1 This fortune brought to you by:
2 $FreeBSD: src/games/fortune/datfiles/fortunes2,v 1.17.2.8 2002/10/19 05:10:15 fanf Exp $
3 $DragonFly: src/games/fortune/datfiles/fortunes2,v 1.2 2003/06/17 04:25:23 dillon Exp $
6 =======================================================================
8 || The FORTUNE-COOKIE program is soon to be a Major Motion Picture! ||
9 || Watch for it at a theater near you next summer! ||
11 =======================================================================
12 Francis Ford Coppola presents a George Lucas Production:
14 Directed by Steven Spielberg.
15 Starring Harrison Ford Bette Midler Marlon Brando
16 Christopher Reeves Marilyn Chambers
17 and Bob Hope as "The Waiter".
18 Costumes Designed by Pierre Cardin.
19 Special Effects by Timothy Leary.
20 Read the Warner paperback!
21 Invoke the Unix program!
22 Soundtrack on XTC Records.
23 In 70mm and Dolby Stereo at selected theaters and terminal
27 Philadelphia, Pa. 19369
29 Your name has been submitted to us with your photo. I regret to
30 inform you that we will be unable to use your body in our centerfold. On
31 a scale of one to ten, your body was rated a minus two by a panel of women
32 ranging in age from 60 to 75 years. We tried to assemble a panel in the
33 age bracket of 25 to 35 years, but we could not get them to stop laughing
34 long enough to reach a decision. Should the taste of the American woman
35 ever change so drastically that bodies such as yours would be appropriate
36 in our magazine, you will be notified by this office. Please, don't call
41 p.s. We also want to commend you for your unusual pose. Were you
42 wounded in the war, or do you ride your bike a lot?
55 _____.,-#%&$@%#&#~,._____
72 you're splitting my ends.
76 Title: Are Frogs Turing Compatible?
77 Speaker: Don "The Lion" Knuth
80 Several researchers at the University of Louisiana have been studying
81 the computing power of various amphibians, frogs in particular. The problem
82 of frog computability has become a critical issue that ranges across all areas
83 of computer science. It has been shown that anything computable by an amphi-
84 bian community in a fixed-size pond is computable by a frog in the same-size
85 pond -- that is to say, frogs are Pond-space complete. We will show that
86 there is a log-space, polywog-time reduction from any Turing machine program
87 to a frog. We will suggest these represent a proper subset of frog-computable
89 This is not just a let's-see-how-far-those-frogs-can-jump seminar.
90 This is only for hardcore amphibian-computation people and their colleagues.
91 Refreshments will be served. Music will be played.
95 For those of you in the reseller business, here is a helpful tip that will
96 save your support staff a few hours of precious time. Before you send your
97 next machine out to an untrained client, change the permissions on /etc/passwd
98 to 666 and make sure there is a copy somewhere on the disk. Now when they
99 forget the root password, you can easily login as an ordinary user and correct
100 the damage. Having a bootable tape (for larger machines) is not a bad idea
101 either. If you need some help, give us a call.
103 -- CommUNIXque 1:1, ASCAR Business Systems
106 _--~~~#####// ' ` \\#####~~~--_
107 -~##########// ( ) \\##########~-_
108 -############// |\^^/| \\############-
109 _~############// (O||O) \\############~_
110 ~#############(( \\// ))#############~
111 -###############\\ (oo) //###############-
112 -#################\\ / `' \ //#################-
113 -###################\\/ () \//###################-
114 _#/|##########/\######( (()) )######/\##########|\#_
115 |/ |#/\#/\#/\/ \#/\##| \()/ |##/\#/ \/\#/\#/\#| \|
116 ` |/ V V ` V )|| |()| ||( V ' V /\ \| '
117 ` ` ` ` / | |()| | \ ' '<||> '
119 __\ |__|()|__| /__\______/|/
120 (vvv(vvvv)(vvvv)vvv)______|/
123 Don't some of these fortunes just drive you nuts?!
124 Wouldn't you like to see some of them deleted from the system?
125 You can! Just mail to `fortune' with the fortune you hate most,
126 and we'll make sure it gets expunged.
128 It's grad exam time...
130 Inside your desk you'll find a listing of the DEC/VMS operating
131 system in IBM 1710 machine code. Show what changes are necessary to convert
132 this code into a UNIX Berkeley 7 operating system. Prove that these fixes are
133 bug free and run correctly. You should gain at least 150% efficiency in the
134 new system. (You should take no more than 10 minutes on this question.)
137 If X equals PI times R^2, construct a formula showing how long
138 it would take a fire ant to drill a hole through a dill pickle, if the
139 length-girth ratio of the ant to the pickle were 98.17:1.
142 Describe the Universe. Give three examples.
144 It's grad exam time...
146 You have been provided with a razor blade, a piece of gauze, and a
147 bottle of Scotch. Remove your appendix. Do not suture until your work has
148 been inspected. (You have 15 minutes.)
151 Describe the history of the papacy from its origins to the present
152 day, concentrating especially, but not exclusively, on its social, political,
153 economic, religious and philosophical impact upon Europe, Asia, America, and
154 Africa. Be brief, concise, and specific.
157 Create life. Estimate the differences in subsequent human culture
158 if this form of life had been created 500 million years ago or earlier, with
159 special attention to its probable effect on the English parliamentary system.
161 Pittsburgh driver's test
163 a) extremely dangerous.
165 c) the fault of the previous administration.
166 d) all going to be fixed next summer.
167 The correct answer is b.
168 Potholes destroy unpatriotic, unamerican, imported cars, since the holes
169 are larger than the cars. If you drive a big, patriotic, American car
170 you have nothing to worry about.
172 Pittsburgh driver's test
173 2: A traffic light at an intersection changes from yellow to red, you should
175 b) proceed slowly through the intersection.
178 The correct answer is d.
179 If you said c, you were almost right, so give yourself a half point.
181 Pittsburgh driver's test
182 3: When stopped at an intersection you should
183 a) watch the traffic light for your lane.
184 b) watch for pedestrians crossing the street.
186 d) watch the traffic light for the intersecting street.
187 The correct answer is d.
188 You need to start as soon as the traffic light for the intersecting
190 Answer c is worth a half point.
192 Pittsburgh driver's test
198 The correct answer is b.
199 The meddling Washington eco-freak communist bureaucrats who say otherwise
200 are liars. (Message to those who answered d. Go back to California where
201 you came from. Your kind are not welcome here.)
203 Pittsburgh driver's test
204 5: Your car's horn is a vital piece of safety equipment.
205 How often should you test it?
210 The correct answer is d.
211 You should test your car's horn at least once every hour,
212 and more often at night or in residential neighborhoods.
214 Pittsburgh driver's test
215 7: The car directly in front of you has a flashing right tail light
216 but a steady left tail light.
217 a) One of the tail lights is broken. You should blow your
218 horn to call the problem to the driver's attention.
219 b) The driver is signaling a right turn.
220 c) The driver is signaling a left turn.
221 d) The driver is from out of town.
222 The correct answer is d.
223 Tail lights are used in some foreign countries to signal turns.
225 Pittsburgh driver's test
230 d) difficult to clean off the front grille.
231 The correct answer is a. Pedestrians are not in cars, so they
232 are totally irrelevant to driving, and you should ignore them
235 Pittsburgh driver's test
236 9: Roads are salted in order to
241 The correct answer is c.
242 Road salting employs thousands of persons directly, and millions more
243 indirectly, for example, salt miners and rustproofers. Most important,
244 salting reduces the life spans of cars, thus stimulating the car and
260 _--~~~#####// \\#####~~~--_
261 _-~##########// ( ) \\##########~-_
262 -############// :\^^/: \\############-
263 _~############// (@::@) \\############~_
264 ~#############(( \\// ))#############~
265 -###############\\ (^^) //###############-
266 -#################\\ / "" \ //#################-
267 -###################\\/ \//###################-
268 _#/:##########/\######( /\ )######/\##########:\#_
269 :/ :#/\#/\#/\/ \#/\##\ : : /##/\#/ \/\#/\#/\#: \:
270 " :/ V V " V \#\: : : :/#/ V " V V \: "
271 " " " " \ : : : : / " " " "
273 Has your family tried 'em?
277 Heavens, they're tasty and expeditious!
279 They're made from whole wheat, to give shy persons
280 the strength to get up and do what needs to be done.
284 Buy them ready-made in the big blue box with the picture of
285 the biscuit on the front, or in the brown bag with the dark
286 stains that indicate freshness.
288 Answers to Last Fortunes' Questions:
289 1) None. (Moses didn't have an ark).
290 2) Your mother, by the pigeonhole principle.
291 3) You don't know. Neither does your boss.
293 5) 6 (or maybe 4, or else 3). Mr. Alfred J. Duncan of Podunk, Montana,
294 submitted an interesting solution to Problem 5. Unfortunately, I lost it.
295 6) I know the answer to this one, but I'm not telling! Suffer! Ha-ha-ha!!
296 7) There is an interesting solution to this problem on page 10,953 of my
297 book, which you can pick up for $23.95 at finer bookstores and bathroom
298 supply outlets (or 99 cents at the table in front of Papyrus Books).
300 Hard Copies and Chmod
302 And everyone thinks computers are impersonal
303 cold diskdrives hardware monitors
304 user-hostile software
306 of course they're only bits and bytes
307 and characters and strings
310 just some old textfiles from my old boyfriend
311 telling me he loves me and
312 he'll take care of me
314 simply a discarded printout of a friend's directory
315 deep intimate secrets and
316 how he doesn't trust me
318 couldn't hurt me more if they were scented in lavender or mould
319 on personal stationery
320 -- terri@csd4.milw.wisc.edu
322 `O' LEVEL COUNTER CULTURE
323 Timewarp allowed: 3 hours. Do not scrawl situationalist graffiti in the
324 margins or stub your rollups in the inkwells. Orange may be worn. Credit
325 will be given to candidates who self-actualize.
327 1: Compare and contrast Pink Floyd with Black Sabbath and say why
328 neither has street credibility.
329 2: "Even Buddha would have been hard pushed to reach Nirvana squatting
330 on a juggernaut route." Consider the dialectic of inner truth and inner
332 3: Discuss degree of hassle involved in paranoia about being sucked
334 4: "The Egomaniac's Liberation Front were a bunch of revisionist
335 ripoff merchants." Comment on this insult.
336 5: Account for the lack of references to brown rice in Dylan's lyrics.
337 6: "Castenada was a bit of a bozo." How far is this a fair summing
338 up of western dualism?
339 7: Hermann Hesse was a Pisces. Discuss.
342 Twas FORTRAN as the doloop goes
343 Did logzerneg the ifthen block
344 All kludgy were the function flows
345 And subroutines adhoc.
347 Beware the runtime-bug my friend
348 squrooneg, the false goto
349 Beware the infiniteloop
350 And shun the inprectoo.
352 Safety Tips for the Post-Nuclear Existence
353 1. Never use an elevator in a building that has been hit by a
354 nuclear bomb, use the stairs.
355 2. When you're flying through the air, remember to roll
356 when you hit the ground.
357 3. If you're on fire, avoid gasoline and other flammable materials.
358 4. Don't attempt communication with dead people; it will only lead
359 to psychological problems.
360 5. Food will be scarce, you will have to scavenge. Learn to recognize
361 foods that will be available after the bomb: mashed potatoes,
362 shredded wheat, tossed salad, ground beef, etc.
363 6. Put your hand over your mouth when you sneeze, internal organs
364 will be scarce in the post-nuclear age.
365 7. Try to be neat, fall only in designated piles.
366 8. Drive carefully in "Heavy Fallout" areas, people could be
367 staggering illegally.
368 9. Nutritionally, hundred dollar bills are equal to one's, but more
369 sanitary due to limited circulation.
370 10. Accumulate mannequins now, spare parts will be in short
373 The Guy on the Right Doesn't Stand a Chance
374 The guy on the right has the Osborne 1, a fully functional computer system
375 in a portable package the size of a briefcase. The guy on the left has an
376 Uzi submachine gun concealed in his attache case. Also in the case are four
377 fully loaded, 32-round clips of 125-grain 9mm ammunition. The owner of the
378 Uzi is going to get more tactical firepower delivered -- and delivered on
379 target -- in less time, and with less effort. All for $795. It's inevitable.
380 If you're going up against some guy with an Osborne 1 -- or any personal
381 computer -- he's the one who's in trouble. One round from an Uzi can zip
382 through ten inches of solid pine wood, so you can imagine what it will do
383 to structural foam acrylic and sheet aluminum. In fact, detachable magazines
384 for the Uzi are available in 25-, 32-, and 40-round capacities, so you can
385 take out an entire office full of Apple II or IBM Personal Computers tied
386 into Ethernet or other local-area networks. What about the new 16-bit
387 computers, like the Lisa and Fortune? Even with the Winchester backup,
388 they're no match for the Uzi. One quick burst and they'll find out what
389 Unix means. Make your commanding officer proud. Get an Uzi -- and come home
390 a winner in the fight for office automatic weapons.
391 -- "InfoWorld", June, 1984
394 Gimme Twinkies, gimme wine,
395 Gimme jeans by Calvin Kline...
396 But if you split those atoms fine,
397 Mama keep 'em off those genes of mine!
398 Gimme zits, take my dough,
399 Gimme arsenic in my jelly roll...
400 Call the devil and sell my soul,
401 But Mama keep dem atoms whole!
404 THIS IS PLEDGE WEEK FOR THE FORTUNE PROGRAM
406 If you like the fortune program, why not support it now with your contribution
407 of a pithy fortune, clean or obscene? We cannot continue without your support.
408 Less than 14% of all fortune users are contributors. That means that 86% of
409 you are getting a free ride. We can't go on like this much longer. Federal
410 cutbacks mean less money for fortunes, and unless user contributions increase
411 to make up the difference, the fortune program will have to shut down between
412 midnight and 8 a.m. Don't let this happen. Mail your fortunes right now to
413 `fortune'. Just type in your favorite pithy fortune. Do it now before you
414 forget. Our target is 300 new fortunes by the end of the week. Don't miss
415 out. All fortunes will be acknowledged. If you contribute 30 fortunes or
416 more, you will receive a free subscription to "The Fortune Hunter", our monthly
417 program guide. If you contribute 50 or more, you will receive a free "Fortune
420 What I Did During My Fall Semester
421 On the first day of my fall semester, I got up.
422 Then I went to the library to find a thesis topic.
423 Then I hung out in front of the Dover.
425 On the second day of my fall semester, I got up.
426 Then I went to the library to find a thesis topic.
427 Then I hung out in front of the Dover.
429 On the third day of my fall semester, I got up.
430 Then I went to the library to find a thesis topic.
431 I found a thesis topic:
432 How to keep people from hanging out in front of the Dover.
433 -- Sister Mary Elephant,
434 "Student Statement for Black Friday"
439 | z dz cos(3 * PI / 9) = ln (e )
443 The integral of z squared, dz
444 From 1 to the square root of 3
447 Is the log of the cube root of e
451 SUPERMAN SAVES DESSERT!
452 Plans to "Eat it later"
454 *** A NEW KIND OF PROGRAMMING ***
456 Do you want the instant respect that comes from being able to use technical
457 terms that nobody understands? Do you want to strike fear and loathing into
458 the hearts of DP managers everywhere? If so, then let the Famous Programmers'
459 School lead you on... into the world of professional computer programming.
460 They say a good programmer can write 20 lines of effective program per day.
461 With our unique training course, we'll show you how to write 20 lines of code
462 and lots more besides. Our training course covers every programming language
463 in existence, and some that aren't. You'll learn why the on/off switch for a
464 computer is so important, what the words *fatal error* mean, and who and what
465 you should blame when you make a mistake.
467 Yes, I want the brochure describing this incredible offer.
468 I enclose $1000 is small unmarked bills to cover the cost of
469 postage and handling. (No live poultry, please.)
471 *** Our Slogan: Top down programming for the masses. ***
473 *** DO YOU HAVE A RESTLESS URGE TO PROGRAM? ***
474 Do you want the instant respect that comes from being able to use technical
475 terms that nobody understands? Do you want to strike fear and loathing into
476 the hearts of DP managers everywhere? If so, then let the Famous Programmers'
477 School lead you on... into the world of professional computer programming.
479 *** IS PROGRAMMING FOR YOU? ***
480 Programming is not for everyone. But, if you have the desire to learn, we can
481 help you get started. All you need is the Famous Programmers' Course and
482 enough money to keep those lessons coming month after month.
484 *** TAKE OUR FREE APTITUDE TEST ***
485 To help determine if you are qualified to be a programmer, take a moment to
486 try this simple test:
487 1: Write down the numbers from zero to nine and the first six letters
488 of the alphabet (Hint: 0123456789ABCDEF).
489 2: Whose picture is on the back of a twenty-dollar bill?
490 3: What is the state capital of Idaho?
491 If you managed to read all three questions without wondering why we asked
492 them, you may have a future as a computer programmer.
494 *** STUDENT SUCCESSES ***
496 Many of our students have gone on to achieve great success in all fields of
497 programming. One former student developed the concept of the personalized
498 form letter. Does the phrase, "Dear Mr.(insert name), You may already be a
499 winner!," sound familiar? Another student writes "After only five lessons I
500 sold a "My Most Unforgettable Program" article to Corrosive Computing magazine.
501 Another of our graduates writes, "I recently completed a database-management
502 program for my department manager. My program touched him so deeply that he
503 was speechless. He told me later that he had never seen such a program in
504 his entire career. Thank you, Famous Programmers' school; only you could
505 have made this possible." Send for our introductory brochure which explains
506 in vague detail the operation of the Famous Programmers' School, and you'll
507 be eligible to win a possible chance to enter a drawing, the winner of which
508 can vie for a set of free steak knives. If you don't do it now, you'll hate
509 yourself in the morning.
511 ... This striving for excellence extends into people's
512 personal lives as well. When '80s people buy something, they buy the
513 best one, as determined by (1) price and (2) lack of availability.
514 Eighties people buy imported dental floss. They buy gourmet baking
515 soda. If an '80s couple goes to a restaurant where they have made a
516 reservation three weeks in advance, and they are informed that their
517 table is available, they stalk out immediately, because they know it is
518 not an excellent restaurant. If it were, it would have an enormous
519 crowd of excellence-oriented people like themselves waiting, their
520 beepers going off like crickets in the night. An excellent restaurant
521 wouldn't have a table ready immediately for anybody below the rank of
523 -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence"
525 ... with liberty and justice for all who can afford it.
527 12 + 144 + 20 + 3(4) 2
528 ---------------------- + 5(11) = 9 + 0
531 A dozen, a gross and a score,
532 Plus three times the square root of four,
534 Plus five times eleven,
535 Equals nine squared plus zero, no more!
537 7,140 pounds on the Sun
538 97 pounds on Mercury or Mars
540 232 pounds on Venus or Uranus
541 43 pounds on the Moon
542 648 pounds on Jupiter
544 303 pounds on Neptune
547 -- How much Elvis Presley would weigh at various places
550 A boy scout troop went on a hike. Crossing over a stream, one of
551 the boys dropped his wallet into the water. Suddenly a carp jumped, grabbed
552 the wallet and tossed it to another carp. Then that carp passed it to
553 another carp, and all over the river carp appeared and tossed the wallet back
555 "Well, boys," said the Scout leader, "you've just seen a rare case
556 of carp-to-carp walleting."
558 A carpet installer decides to take a cigarette break after completing
559 the installation in the first of several rooms he has to do. Finding them
560 missing from his pocket he begins searching, only to notice a small lump in
561 his recently completed carpet-installation. Not wanting to pull up all that
562 work for a lousy pack of cigarettes he simply walks over and pounds the lump
563 flat. Foregoing the break, he continues on to the other rooms to be carpeted.
564 At the end of the day, while loading his tools into his truck, two
565 events occur almost simultaneously: he spies his pack of cigarettes on the
566 dashboard of the truck, and the lady of the house summons him imperiously:
567 "Have you seen my parakeet?"
569 A circus foreman was making the rounds inspecting the big top when
570 a scrawny little man entered the tent and walked up to him. "Are you the
571 foreman around here?" he asked timidly. "I'd like to join your circus; I
572 have what I think is a pretty good act."
573 The foreman nodded assent, whereupon the little man hurried over to
574 the main pole and rapidly climbed up to the very tip-top of the big top.
575 Drawing a deep breath, he hurled himself off into the air and began flapping
576 his arms furiously. Amazingly, rather than plummeting to his death the little
577 man began to fly all around the poles, lines, trapezes and other obstacles,
578 performing astounding feats of aerobatics which ended in a long power dive
579 from the top of the tent, pulling up into a gentle feet-first landing beside
580 the foreman, who had been nonchalantly watching the whole time.
581 "Well," puffed the little man. "What do you think?"
582 "That's all you do?" answered the foreman scornfully. "Bird
585 A crow perched himself on a telephone wire. He was going to make a
588 A disciple of another sect once came to Drescher as he was eating
589 his morning meal. "I would like to give you this personality test", said
590 the outsider, "because I want you to be happy."
591 Drescher took the paper that was offered him and put it into the
592 toaster -- "I wish the toaster to be happy too".
594 A doctor, an architect, and a computer scientist were arguing about
595 whose profession was the oldest. In the course of their arguments, they
596 got all the way back to the Garden of Eden, whereupon the doctor said, "The
597 medical profession is clearly the oldest, because Eve was made from Adam's
598 rib, as the story goes, and that was a simply incredible surgical feat."
599 The architect did not agree. He said, "But if you look at the Garden
600 itself, in the beginning there was chaos and void, and out of that the Garden
601 and the world were created. So God must have been an architect."
602 The computer scientist, who'd listened carefully to all of this, then
603 commented, "Yes, but where do you think the chaos came from?"
605 A farm in the country side had several turkeys, it was known as the
606 house of seven gobbles.
608 A farmer decides that his three sows should be bred, and contacts a
609 buddy down the road, who owns several boars. They agree on a stud fee, and
610 the farmer puts the sows in his pickup and takes them down the road to the
611 boars. He leaves them all day, and when he picks them up that night, asks
612 the man how he can tell if it "took" or not. The breeder replies that if,
613 the next morning, the sows were grazing on grass, they were pregnant, but if
614 they were rolling in the mud as usual, they probably weren't.
615 Comes the morn, the sows are rolling in the mud as usual, so the
616 farmer puts them in the truck and brings them back for a second full day of
617 frolic. This continues for a week, since each morning the sows are rolling
619 Around the sixth day, the farmer wakes up and tells his wife, "I
620 don't have the heart to look again. This is getting ridiculous. You check
621 today." With that, the wife peeks out the bedroom window and starts to laugh.
622 "What is it?" asks the farmer excitedly. "Are they grazing at last?"
623 "Nope." replies his wife. "Two of them are jumping up and down in
624 the back of your truck, and the other one is honking the horn!"
626 A father gave his teen-age daughter an untrained pedigreed pup for
627 her birthday. An hour later, when wandered through the house, he found her
628 looking at a puddle in the center of the kitchen. "My pup," she murmured
629 sadly, "runneth over."
631 A German, a Pole and a Czech left camp for a hike through the woods.
632 After being reported missing a day or two later, rangers found two bears,
633 one a male, one a female, looking suspiciously overstuffed. They killed
634 the female, autopsied her, and sure enough, found the German and the Pole.
635 "What do you think?" said the the first ranger.
636 "The Czech is in the male," replied the second.
638 A group of soldiers being prepared for a practice landing on a tropical
639 island were warned of the one danger the island held, a poisonous snake that
640 could be readily identified by its alternating orange and black bands. They
641 were instructed, should they find one of these snakes, to grab the tail end of
642 the snake with one hand and slide the other hand up the body of the snake to
643 the snake's head. Then, forcefully, bend the thumb above the snake's head
644 downward to break the snake's spine. All went well for the landing, the
645 charge up the beach, and the move into the jungle. At one foxhole site, two
646 men were starting to dig and wondering what had happened to their partner.
647 Suddenly he staggered out of the underbrush, uniform in shreds, covered with
648 blood. He collapsed to the ground. His buddies were so shocked they could
649 only blurt out, "What happened?"
650 "I ran from the beachhead to the edge of the jungle, and, as I hit the
651 ground, I saw an orange and black striped snake right in front of me. I
652 grabbed its tail end with my left hand. I placed my right hand above my left
653 hand. I held firmly with my left hand and slid my right hand up the body of
654 the snake. When I reached the head of the snake I flicked my right thumb down
655 to break the snake's spine... did you ever goose a tiger?"
657 A guy returns from a long trip to Europe, having left his beloved
658 dog in his brother's care. The minute he's cleared customs, he calls up his
659 brother and inquires after his pet.
660 "Your dog's dead," replies his brother bluntly.
661 The guy is devastated. "You know how much that dog meant to me,"
662 he moaned into the phone. "Couldn't you at least have thought of a nicer way
663 of breaking the news? Couldn't you have said, `Well, you know, the dog got
664 outside one day, and was crossing the street, and a car was speeding around a
665 corner...' or something...? Why are you always so thoughtless?"
666 "Look, I'm sorry," said his brother, "I guess I just didn't think."
667 "Okay, okay, let's just put it behind us. How are you anyway?
669 His brother is silent a moment. "Uh," he stammers, "uh... Mom got
672 A guy walks into a pub and asks: "Does anyone here own a Doberman?
673 I feel really bad about this, but my Chihuahua just killed it."
674 A man leaps to his feet and replies, "Yes, I do, but how can that
675 be? I raised that dog from a pup to be a vicious killer."
676 "Yes, well, that's all well and good," replied the first, "but my
677 dog's stuck in its throat."
679 A hard-luck actor who appeared in one colossal disaster after another
680 finally got a break, a broken leg to be exact. Someone pointed out that it's
681 the first time the poor fellow's been in the same cast for more than a week.
683 A horse breeder has his young colts bottle-fed after they're three
684 days old. He heard that a foal and his mummy are soon parted.
686 A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked to add 2 and 2.
687 The housewife replied, "Four!".
688 The accountant said, "It's either 3 or 4. Let me run those figures
689 through my spread sheet one more time."
690 The lawyer pulled the drapes, dimmed the lights and asked in a
691 hushed voice, "How much do you want it to be?"
693 A lawyer named Strange was shopping for a tombstone. After he had
694 made his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he
695 would like on it. "Here lies an honest man and a lawyer," responded the
697 "Sorry, but I can't do that," replied the stonecutter. "In this
698 state, it's against the law to bury two people in the same grave. However,
699 I could put ``here lies an honest lawyer'', if that would be okay."
700 "But that won't let people know who it is" protested the lawyer.
701 "Certainly will," retorted the stonecutter. "people will read it
702 and exclaim, "That's Strange!"
704 A little dog goes into a saloon in the Wild West, and beckons to
705 the bartender. "Hey, bartender, gimmie a whiskey."
706 The bartender ignores him.
707 "Hey bartender, gimmie a whiskey."
709 "HEY BARMAN!! GIMMIE A WHISKEY!!"
710 The bartender takes out his six-shooter and shoots the dog in the
711 leg, and the dog runs out the saloon, howling in pain.
712 Three years later, the wee dog appears again, wearing boots,
713 jeans, chaps, a Stetson, gun belt, and guns. He ambles slowly into the
714 saloon, goes up to the bar, leans over it, and says to the bartender,
715 "I'm here t'git the man that shot muh paw."
717 A man enters a pet shop, seeking to purchase a parrot. He points
718 to a fine colorful bird and asks how much it costs.
719 When he is told it costs 70,000 zlotys, he whistles in amazement
720 and asks why it is so much. "Well, the bird is fluent in Italian and
721 French and can recite the periodic table." He points to another bird
722 and is told that it costs 90,000 zlotys because it speaks French and
723 German, can knit and can curse in Latin.
724 Finally the customer asks about a drab gray bird. "Ah," he is
725 told, "that one is 150,000."
726 "Why, what can it do?" he asks.
727 "Well," says the shopkeeper, "to tell you the truth, he doesn't
728 do anything, but the other birds call him Mr. Secretary."
729 -- being told in Poland, 1987
731 A man from AI walked across the mountains to SAIL to see the Master,
732 Knuth. When he arrived, the Master was nowhere to be found. "Where is the
733 wise one named Knuth?" he asked a passing student.
734 "Ah," said the student, "you have not heard. He has gone on a
735 pilgrimage across the mountains to the temple of AI to seek out new
737 Hearing this, the man was Enlightened.
739 A man met a beautiful young woman in a bar. They got along well,
740 shared dinner, and had a marvelous evening. When he left her, he told her
741 that he had really enjoyed their time together, and hoped to see her again,
742 soon. Smiling yes, she gave him her phone number.
743 The next day, he called her up and asked her to go dancing. She
744 agreed. As they talked, he jokingly asked her what her favorite flower was.
745 Realizing his intentions, she told him that he shouldn't bring her flowers
746 -- if he wanted to bring her a gift, well, he should bring her a Swiss Army
748 Surprised, and not a little intrigued, he spent a large part of the
749 afternoon finding a particularly unusual one. Arriving at her apartment
750 he immediately presented her with the knife. She ooohed and ahhhed over it
751 for a minute, and then carefully placed it in a drawer, that the man couldn't
752 help but see was full of Swiss Army knives.
753 Surprised, he asked her why she had collected so many.
754 "Well, I'm young and attractive now", blushed the woman, "but that
755 won't always be true. And boy scouts will do anything for a Swiss Army knife!"
757 A man pleaded innocent of any wrong doing when caught by the police
758 during a raid at the home of a mobster, excusing himself by claiming that he
759 was making a bolt for the door.
761 A man sank into the psychiatrist's couch and said, "I have a
762 terrible problem, Doctor. I have a son at Harvard and another son at
763 Princeton; I've just gifted each of them with a new Ferrari; I've got
764 homes in Beverly Hills, Palm Beach, and a co-op in New York; and I've
765 got a thriving ranch in Venezuela. My wife is a gorgeous young actress
766 who considers my two mistresses to be her best friends."
767 The psychiatrist looked at the patient, confused. "Did I miss
768 something? It sounds to me like you have no problems at all."
769 "But, Doctor, I only make $175 a week."
771 A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender,
772 "Do you serve lawyers here?".
773 "Sure do," replied the bartender.
774 "Good," said the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for
777 A man was reading The Canterbury Tales one Saturday morning, when his
778 wife asked "What have you got there?" Replied he, "Just my cup and Chaucer."
780 A man who keeps stealing mopeds is an obvious cycle-path.
782 A manager asked a programmer how long it would take him to finish the
783 program on which he was working. "I will be finished tomorrow," the programmer
785 "I think you are being unrealistic," said the manager. "Truthfully,
786 how long will it take?"
787 The programmer thought for a moment. "I have some features that I wish
788 to add. This will take at least two weeks," he finally said.
789 "Even that is too much to expect," insisted the manager, "I will be
790 satisfied if you simply tell me when the program is complete."
791 The programmer agreed to this.
792 Several years slated, the manager retired. On the way to his
793 retirement lunch, he discovered the programmer asleep at his terminal.
794 He had been programming all night.
795 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
797 A manager was about to be fired, but a programmer who worked for him
798 invented a new program that became popular and sold well. As a result, the
799 manager retained his job.
800 The manager tried to give the programmer a bonus, but the programmer
801 refused it, saying, "I wrote the program because I though it was an interesting
802 concept, and thus I expect no reward."
803 The manager, upon hearing this, remarked, "This programmer, though he
804 holds a position of small esteem, understands well the proper duty of an
805 employee. Lets promote him to the exalted position of management consultant!"
806 But when told this, the programmer once more refused, saying, "I exist
807 so that I can program. If I were promoted, I would do nothing but waste
808 everyone's time. Can I go now? I have a program that I'm working on."
809 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
811 A manager went to the master programmer and showed him the requirements
812 document for a new application. The manager asked the master: "How long will
813 it take to design this system if I assign five programmers to it?"
814 "It will take one year," said the master promptly.
815 "But we need this system immediately or even sooner! How long will it
816 take it I assign ten programmers to it?"
817 The master programmer frowned. "In that case, it will take two years."
818 "And what if I assign a hundred programmers to it?"
819 The master programmer shrugged. "Then the design will never be
821 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
823 A manger went to his programmers and told them: "As regards to your
824 work hours: you are going to have to come in at nine in the morning and leave
825 at five in the afternoon." At this, all of them became angry and several
826 resigned on the spot.
827 So the manager said: "All right, in that case you may set your own
828 working hours, as long as you finish your projects on schedule." The
829 programmers, now satisfied, began to come in a noon and work to the wee
830 hours of the morning.
831 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
833 A master programmer passed a novice programmer one day. The master
834 noted the novice's preoccupation with a hand-held computer game. "Excuse me",
835 he said, "may I examine it?"
836 The novice bolted to attention and handed the device to the master.
837 "I see that the device claims to have three levels of play: Easy, Medium,
838 and Hard", said the master. "Yet every such device has another level of play,
839 where the device seeks not to conquer the human, nor to be conquered by the
841 "Pray, great master," implored the novice, "how does one find this
843 The master dropped the device to the ground and crushed it under foot.
844 And suddenly the novice was enlightened.
845 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
847 A master was explaining the nature of Tao to one of his novices.
848 "The Tao is embodied in all software -- regardless of how insignificant,"
850 "Is the Tao in a hand-held calculator?" asked the novice.
851 "It is," came the reply.
852 "Is the Tao in a video game?" continued the novice.
853 "It is even in a video game," said the master.
854 "And is the Tao in the DOS for a personal computer?"
855 The master coughed and shifted his position slightly. "The lesson
856 is over for today.", he said.
857 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
859 A master was explaining the nature of the Tao to one of his novices,
860 "The Tao is embodied in all software -- regardless of how insignificant,"
862 "Is the Tao in a hand-held calculator?" asked the novice.
863 "It is," came the reply.
864 "Is the Tao in a video game?" continued the novice.
865 "It is even in a video game," said the master.
866 "And is the Tao in the DOS for a personal computer?"
867 The master coughed and shifted his position slightly. "The lesson is
868 over for today," he said.
869 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
873 Aesop's fables and other traditional children's stories involve allegory
874 far too subtle for the youth of today. Children need an updated message
875 with contemporary circumstance and plot line, and short enough to suit
876 today's minute attention span.
878 The Troubled Aardvark
880 Once upon a time, there was an aardvark whose only pleasure in life was
881 driving from his suburban bungalow to his job at a large brokerage house
882 in his brand new 4x4. He hated his manipulative boss, his conniving and
883 unethical co-workers, his greedy wife, and his snivelling, spoiled
884 children. One day, the aardvark reflected on the meaning of his life and
885 his career and on the unchecked, catastrophic decline of his nation, its
886 pathetic excuse for leadership, and the complete ineffectiveness of any
887 personal effort he could make to change the status quo. Overcome by a
888 wave of utter depression and self-doubt, he decided to take the only
889 course of action that would bring him greater comfort and happiness: he
890 drove to the mall and bought imported consumer electronics goods.
892 MORAL OF THE STORY: Invest in foreign consumer electronics manufacturers.
895 A musical reviewer admitted he always praised the first show of a
896 new theatrical season. "Who am I to stone the first cast?"
898 A musician of more ambition than talent composed an elegy at
899 the death of composer Edward MacDowell. She played the elegy for the
900 pianist Josef Hoffman, then asked his opinion. "Well, it's quite
901 nice," he replied, but don't you think it would be better if..."
902 "If what?" asked the composer.
903 "If ... if you had died and MacDowell had written the elegy?"
905 A novel approach is to remove all power from the system, which
906 removes most system overhead so that resources can be fully devoted to
907 doing nothing. Benchmarks on this technique are promising; tremendous
908 amounts of nothing can be produced in this manner. Certain hardware
909 limitations can limit the speed of this method, especially in the
910 larger systems which require a more involved & less efficient
912 An alternate approach is to pull the main breaker for the
913 building, which seems to provide even more nothing, but in truth has
914 bugs in it, since it usually inhibits the systems which keep the beer
917 A novice asked the Master: "Here is a programmer that never designs,
918 documents, or tests his programs. Yet all who know him consider him one of
919 the best programmers in the world. Why is this?"
920 The Master replies: "That programmer has mastered the Tao. He has
921 gone beyond the need for design; he does not become angry when the system
922 crashes, but accepts the universe without concern. He has gone beyond the
923 need for documentation; he no longer cares if anyone else sees his code. He
924 has gone beyond the need for testing; each of his programs are perfect within
925 themselves, serene and elegant, their purpose self-evident. Truly, he has
926 entered the mystery of the Tao."
927 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
929 A novice asked the master: "I have a program that sometimes runs and
930 sometimes aborts. I have followed the rules of programming, yet I am totally
931 baffled. What is the reason for this?"
932 The master replied: "You are confused because you do not understand
933 the Tao. Only a fool expects rational behavior from his fellow humans. Why
934 do you expect it from a machine that humans have constructed? Computers
935 simulate determinism; only the Tao is perfect.
936 The rules of programming are transitory; only the Tao is eternal.
937 Therefore you must contemplate the Tao before you receive enlightenment."
938 "But how will I know when I have received enlightenment?" asked the
940 "Your program will then run correctly," replied the master.
941 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
943 A novice asked the master: "I perceive that one computer company is
944 much larger than all others. It towers above its competition like a giant
945 among dwarfs. Any one of its divisions could comprise an entire business.
947 The master replied, "Why do you ask such foolish questions? That
948 company is large because it is so large. If it only made hardware, nobody
949 would buy it. If it only maintained systems, people would treat it like a
950 servant. But because it combines all of these things, people think it one
951 of the gods! By not seeking to strive, it conquers without effort."
952 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
954 A novice asked the master: "In the east there is a great tree-structure
955 that men call 'Corporate Headquarters'. It is bloated out of shape with
956 vice-presidents and accountants. It issues a multitude of memos, each saying
957 'Go, Hence!' or 'Go, Hither!' and nobody knows what is meant. Every year new
958 names are put onto the branches, but all to no avail. How can such an
959 unnatural entity exist?"
960 The master replies: "You perceive this immense structure and are
961 disturbed that it has no rational purpose. Can you not take amusement from
962 its endless gyrations? Do you not enjoy the untroubled ease of programming
963 beneath its sheltering branches? Why are you bothered by its uselessness?"
964 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
966 A novice programmer was once assigned to code a simple financial
968 The novice worked furiously for many days, but when his master
969 reviewed his program, he discovered that it contained a screen editor, a set
970 of generalized graphics routines, and artificial intelligence interface,
971 but not the slightest mention of anything financial.
972 When the master asked about this, the novice became indignant.
973 "Don't be so impatient," he said, "I'll put the financial stuff in eventually."
974 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
976 A novice was trying to fix a broken lisp machine by turning the
977 power off and on. Knight, seeing what the student was doing spoke sternly,
978 "You cannot fix a machine by just power-cycling it with no understanding
979 of what is going wrong." Knight turned the machine off and on. The
982 A Pole, a Soviet, an American, an Englishman and a Canadian were lost
983 in a forest in the dead of winter. As they were sitting around a fire, they
984 noticed a pack of wolves eyeing them hungrily.
985 The Englishman volunteered to sacrifice himself for the rest of the
986 party. He walked out into the night.
987 The American, not wanting to be outdone by an Englishman, offered to
988 be the next victim. The wolves eagerly accepted his offer, and devoured him,
990 The Soviet, believing himself to be better than any American, turned
991 to the Pole and says, "Well, comrade, I shall volunteer to give my life to
992 save a fellow socialist." He leaves the shelter and goes out to be killed by
994 At this point, the Pole opened his jacket and pulls out a machine gun.
995 He takes aim in the general direction of the wolf pack and in a few seconds
997 The Canadian asked the Pole, "Why didn't you do that before the others
998 went out to be killed?
999 The Pole pulls a bottle of vodka from the other side of his jacket.
1000 He smiles and replies, "Five men on one bottle -- too many."
1002 A priest was walking along the cliffs at Dover when he came upon
1003 two locals pulling another man ashore on the end of a rope. "That's what
1004 I like to see", said the priest, "A man helping his fellow man".
1005 As he was walking away, one local remarked to the other, "Well,
1006 he sure doesn't know the first thing about shark fishing."
1008 A program should be light and agile, its subroutines connected like a
1009 strings of pearls. The spirit and intent of the program should be retained
1010 throughout. There should be neither too little nor too much, neither needless
1011 loops nor useless variables, neither lack of structure nor overwhelming
1013 A program should follow the 'Law of Least Astonishment'. What is this
1014 law? It is simply that the program should always respond to the user in the
1015 way that astonishes him least.
1016 A program, no matter how complex, should act as a single unit. The
1017 program should be directed by the logic within rather than by outward
1019 If the program fails in these requirements, it will be in a state of
1020 disorder and confusion. The only way to correct this is to rewrite the
1022 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
1024 A programmer from a very large computer company went to a software
1025 conference and then returned to report to his manager, saying: "What sort
1026 of programmers work for other companies? They behaved badly and were
1027 unconcerned with appearances. Their hair was long and unkempt and their
1028 clothes were wrinkled and old. They crashed out hospitality suites and they
1029 made rude noises during my presentation."
1030 The manager said: "I should have never sent you to the conference.
1031 Those programmers live beyond the physical world. They consider life absurd,
1032 an accidental coincidence. They come and go without knowing limitations.
1033 Without a care, they live only for their programs. Why should they bother
1034 with social conventions?"
1035 "They are alive within the Tao."
1036 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
1038 A ranger was walking through the forest and encountered a hunter
1039 carrying a shotgun and a dead loon. "What in the world do you think you're
1040 doing? Don't you know that the loon is on the endangered species list?"
1041 Instead of answering, the hunter showed the ranger his game bag,
1042 which contained twelve more loons.
1043 "Why would you shoot loons?", the ranger asked.
1044 "Well, my family eats them and I sell the plumage."
1045 "What's so special about a loon? What does it taste like?"
1046 "Oh, somewhere between an American Bald Eagle and a Trumpeter Swan."
1048 A reader reports that when the patient died, the attending doctor
1049 recorded the following on the patient's chart: "Patient failed to fulfill
1050 his wellness potential."
1052 Another doctor reports that in a recent issue of the *American Journal
1053 of Family Practice* fleas were called "hematophagous arthropod vectors."
1055 A reader reports that the Army calls them "vertically deployed anti-
1056 personnel devices." You probably call them bombs.
1058 At McClellan Air Force base in Sacramento, California, civilian
1059 mechanics were placed on "non-duty, non-pay status." That is, they were fired.
1061 After taking the trip of a lifetime, our reader sent his twelve rolls
1062 of film to Kodak for developing (or "processing," as Kodak likes to call it)
1063 only to receive the following notice: "We must report that during the handling
1064 of your twelve 35mm Kodachrome slide orders, the films were involved in an
1065 unusual laboratory experience." The use of the passive is a particularly nice
1066 touch, don't you think? Nobody did anything to the films; they just had a bad
1067 experience. Of course our reader can always go back to Tibet and take his
1068 pictures all over again, using the twelve replacement rolls Kodak so generously
1070 -- Quarterly Review of Doublespeak (NCTE)
1072 A reverend wanted to telephone another reverend. He told the operator,
1073 "This is a parson to parson call."
1074 A farmer with extremely prolific hens posted the following sign. "Free
1075 Chickens. Our Coop Runneth Over."
1076 Two brothers, Mort and Bill, like to sail. While Bill has a great
1077 deal of experience, he certainly isn't the rigger Mort is.
1078 Inheritance taxes are getting so out of line, that the deceased family
1079 often doesn't have a legacy to stand on.
1080 The judge fined the jaywalker fifty dollars and told him if he was
1081 caught again, he would be thrown in jail. Fine today, cooler tomorrow.
1082 A rock store eventually closed down; they were taking too much for
1085 A Scotsman was strolling across High Street one day wearing his kilt.
1086 As he neared the far curb, he noticed two young blondes in a red convertible
1087 eyeing him and giggling. One of them called out, "Hey, Scotty! What's worn
1089 He strolled over to the side of the car and asked, "Ach, lass, are you
1090 SURE you want to know?" Somewhat nervously, the blonde replied yes, she did
1091 really want to know.
1092 The Scotsman leaned closer and confided, "Why, lass, nothing's worn
1093 under the kilt, everything's in perfect workin' order!"
1095 A sheet of paper crossed my desk the other day and as I read it,
1096 realization of a basic truth came over me. So simple! So obvious we couldn't
1097 see it. John Knivlen, Chairman of Polamar Repeater Club, an amateur radio
1098 group, had discovered how IC circuits work. He says that smoke is the thing
1099 that makes ICs work because every time you let the smoke out of an IC circuit,
1100 it stops working. He claims to have verified this with thorough testing.
1101 I was flabbergasted! Of course! Smoke makes all things electrical
1102 work. Remember the last time smoke escaped from your Lucas voltage regulator
1103 Didn't it quit working? I sat and smiled like an idiot as more of the truth
1104 dawned. It's the wiring harness that carries the smoke from one device to
1105 another in your Mini, MG or Jag. And when the harness springs a leak, it lets
1106 the smoke out of everything at once, and then nothing works. The starter motor
1107 requires large quantities of smoke to operate properly, and that's why the wire
1108 going to it is so large.
1109 Feeling very smug, I continued to expand my hypothesis. Why are Lucas
1110 electronics more likely to leak than say Bosch? Hmmm... Aha!!! Lucas is
1111 British, and all things British leak! British convertible tops leak water,
1112 British engines leak oil, British displacer units leak hydrostatic fluid, and
1113 I might add British tires leak air, and the British defense unit leaks
1114 secrets... so naturally British electronics leak smoke.
1115 -- Jack Banton, PCC Automotive Electrical School
1117 A shy teenage boy finally worked up the nerve to give a gift to
1118 Maddona, a young puppy. It hitched its waggin' to a star.
1119 A girl spent a couple hours on the phone talking to her two best
1120 friends, Maureen Jones, and Maureen Brown. When asked by her father why she
1121 had been on the phone so long, she responded "I heard a funny story today
1122 and I've been telling it to the Maureens."
1123 Three actors, Tom, Fred, and Cec, wanted to do the jousting scene
1124 from Don Quixote for a local TV show. "I'll play the title role," proposed
1125 Tom. "Fred can portray Sancho Panza, and Cecil B. De Mille."
1127 A woman was married to a golfer. One day she asked, "If I were
1128 to die, would you remarry?"
1129 After some thought, the man replied, "Yes, I've been very happy in
1130 this marriage and I would want to be this happy again."
1131 The wife asked, "Would you give your new wife my car?"
1132 "Yes," he replied. "That's a good car and it runs well."
1133 "Well, would you live in this house?"
1134 "Yes, it is a lovely house and you have decorated it beautifully.
1135 I've always loved it here."
1136 "Well, would you give her my golf clubs?"
1139 "She's left handed."
1141 A women was in love with fourteen soldiers, it was clearly platoonic.
1143 A young honeymoon couple were touring southern Florida and happened
1144 to stop at one of the rattlesnake farms along the road. After seeing the
1145 sights, they engaged in small talk with the man that handled the snakes.
1146 "Gosh!" exclaimed the new bride. "You certainly have a dangerous job.
1147 Don't you ever get bitten by the snakes?"
1148 "Yes, upon rare occasions," answered the handler.
1149 "Well," she continued, "just what do you do when you're bitten by
1151 "I always carry a razor-sharp knife in my pocket, and as soon as I
1152 am bitten, I make deep criss-cross marks across the fang entry and then
1153 suck the poison from the wound."
1154 "What, uh... what would happen if you were to accidentally *sit* on
1155 a rattler?" persisted the woman.
1156 "Ma'am," answered the snake handler, "that will be the day I learn
1157 who my real friends are."
1159 A young married couple had their first child. Their original pride
1160 and joy slowly turned to concern however, for after a couple of years the
1161 child had never uttered any form of speech. They hired the best speech
1162 therapists, doctors, psychiatrists, all to no avail. The child simply refused
1163 to speak. One morning when the child was five, while the husband was reading
1164 the paper, and the wife was feeding the dog, the little kid looks up from
1165 his bowl and said, "My cereal's cold."
1166 The couple is stunned. The man, in tears, confronts his son. "Son,
1167 after all these years, why have you waited so long to say something?".
1168 Shrugs the kid, "Everything's been okay 'til now".
1171 Das machine is nicht fur gefingerpoken und mittengrabben. Ist easy
1172 schnappen der springenwerk, blowenfusen und corkenpoppen mit
1173 spitzensparken. Ist nicht fur gewerken by das dummkopfen. Das
1174 rubbernecken sightseeren keepen hands in das pockets. Relaxen und
1175 vatch das blinkenlights!!!
1177 After sifting through the overwritten remaining blocks of Luke's home
1178 directory, Luke and PDP-1 sped away from /u/lars, across the surface of the
1179 Winchester riding Luke's flying read/write head. PDP-1 had Luke stop at the
1180 edge of the cylinder overlooking /usr/spool/uucp.
1181 "Unix-to-Unix Copy Program;" said PDP-1. "You will never find a more
1182 wretched hive of bugs and flamers. We must be cautious."
1185 After the Children of Israel had wandered for thirty-nine years in
1186 the wilderness, Ferdinand Feghoot arrived to make sure that they
1187 would finally find and enter the Promised Land. With him, he brought his
1188 favorite robot, faithful old Yewtoo Artoo, to carry his gear and do assorted
1190 The Israelites soon got over their initial fear of the robot and,
1191 as the months passed, became very fond of him. Patriarchs took to
1192 discussing abstruse theological problems with him, and each evening the
1193 children all gathered to hear the many stories with which he was programmed.
1194 Therefore it came as a great shock to them when, just as their journey was
1195 ending, he abruptly wore out. Even Feghoot couldn't console them.
1196 "It may be true, Ferdinand Feghoot," said Moses, "that our friend
1197 Yewtoo Artoo was soulless, but we cannot believe it. He must be properly
1198 interred. We cannot embalm him as do the Egyptians. Nor have we wood for
1199 a coffin. But I do have a most splendid skin from one of Pharoah's own
1200 cattle. We shall bury him in it."
1201 Feghoot agreed. "Yes, let this be his last rusting place." "Rusting?"
1202 Moses cried. "Not in this dreadful dry desert!"
1203 "Ah!" sighed Ferdinand Feghoot, shedding a tear, "I fear you do not
1204 realize the full significance of Pharoah's oxhide!"
1205 -- Grendel Briarton "Through Time & Space With Ferdinand
1208 After watching an extremely attractive maternity-ward patient
1209 earnestly thumbing her way through a telephone directory for several
1210 minutes, a hospital orderly finally asked if he could be of some help.
1211 "No, thanks," smiled the young mother, "I'm just looking for a
1213 "But the hospital supplies a special booklet that lists hundreds
1214 of first names and their meanings," said the orderly.
1215 "That won't help," said the woman, "my baby already has a first
1218 All that you touch, And all you create,
1219 All that you see, And all you destroy,
1220 All that you taste, All that you do,
1221 All you feel, And all you say,
1222 And all that you love, All that you eat,
1223 And all that you hate, And everyone you meet,
1224 All you distrust, All that you slight,
1225 All you save, And everyone you fight,
1226 And all that you give, And all that is now,
1227 And all that you deal, And all that is gone,
1228 All that you buy, And all that's to come,
1229 Beg, borrow or steal, And everything under the sun is
1231 But the sun is eclipsed
1234 There is no dark side of the moon... really... matter of fact it's all dark.
1235 -- Pink Floyd, "Dark Side of the Moon"
1237 America, Russia and Japan are sending up a two year shuttle mission
1238 with one astronaut from each country. Since it's going to be two long, lonely
1239 years up there, each may bring any form of entertainment weighing 150 pounds
1240 or less. The American approaches the NASA board and asks to take his 125 lb.
1242 The Japanese astronaut says, "I've always wanted to learn Latin. I
1243 want 100 lbs. of textbooks." The NASA board approves. The Russian astronaut
1244 thinks for a second and says, "Two years... all right, I want 150 pounds of
1245 the best Cuban cigars ever made." Again, NASA okays it.
1246 Two years later, the shuttle lands and everyone is gathered outside
1247 to welcome back the astronauts. Well, it's obvious what the American's been
1248 up to, he and his wife are each holding an infant. The crowd cheers. The
1249 Japanese astronaut steps out and makes a 10 minute speech in absolutely
1250 perfect Latin. The crowd doesn't understand a word of it, but they're
1251 impressed and they cheer again. The Russian astronaut stomps out, clenches
1252 the podium until his knuckles turn white, glares at the first row and
1253 screams: "Anybody got a match?"
1255 An architect's first work is apt to be spare and clean. He knows
1256 he doesn't know what he's doing, so he does it carefully and with great
1258 As he designs the first work, frill after frill and embellishment
1259 after embellishment occur to him. These get stored away to be used "next
1260 time". Sooner or later the first system is finished, and the architect,
1261 with firm confidence and a demonstrated mastery of that class of systems,
1262 is ready to build a second system.
1263 This second is the most dangerous system a man ever designs. When
1264 he does his third and later ones, his prior experiences will confirm each
1265 other as to the general characteristics of such systems, and their differences
1266 will identify those parts of his experience that are particular and not
1268 The general tendency is to over-design the second system, using all
1269 the ideas and frills that were cautiously sidetracked on the first one.
1270 The result, as Ovid says, is a "big pile".
1271 -- Frederick Brooks, "The Mythical Man Month"
1273 An eighty-year-old woman is rocking away the afternoon on her
1274 porch when she sees an old, tarnished lamp sitting near the steps. She
1275 picks it up, rubs it gently, and lo and behold a genie appears! The genie
1276 tells the woman the he will grant her any three wishes her heart desires.
1277 After a bit of thought, she says, "I wish I were young and
1278 beautiful!" And POOF! In a cloud of smoke she becomes a young, beautiful,
1280 After a little more thought, she says, "I would like to be rich
1281 for the rest of my life." And POOF! When the smoke clears, there are
1282 stacks and stacks of money lying on the porch.
1283 The genie then says, "Now, madam, what is your final wish?"
1284 "Well," says the woman, "I would like for you to transform my
1285 faithful old cat, whom I have loved dearly for fifteen years, into a young
1287 And with another billow of smoke the cat is changed into a tall,
1288 handsome, young man, with dark hair, dressed in a dashing uniform.
1289 As they gaze at each other in adoration, the prince leans over to
1290 the woman and whispers into her ear, "Now, aren't you sorry you had me
1293 An elderly man stands in line for hours at a Warsaw meat store (meat
1294 is severely rationed). When the butcher comes out at the end of the day and
1295 announces that there is no meat left, the man flies into a rage.
1296 "What is this?" he shouts. "I fought against the Nazis, I worked hard
1297 all my life, I've been a loyal citizen, and now you tell me I can't even buy a
1298 piece of meat? This rotten system stinks!"
1299 Suddenly a thuggish man in a black leather coat sidles up and murmurs
1300 "Take it easy, comrade. Remember what would have happened if you had made an
1301 outburst like that only a few years ago" -- and he points an imaginary gun to
1302 this head and pulls the trigger.
1303 The old man goes home, and his wife says, "So they're out of meat
1305 "It's worse than that," he replies. "They're out of bullets."
1306 -- making the rounds in Warsaw, 1987
1308 An Englishman, a Frenchman and an American are captured by cannibals.
1309 The leader of the tribe comes up to them and says, "Even though you are about
1310 to killed, your deaths will not be in vain. Every part of your body will be
1311 used. Your flesh will be eaten, for my people are hungry. Your hair will be
1312 woven into clothing, for my people are naked. Your bones will be ground up
1313 and made into medicine, for my people are sick. Your skin will be stretched
1314 over canoe frames, for my people need transportation. We are a fair people,
1315 and we offer you a chance to kill yourself with our ceremonial knife."
1316 The Englishman accepts the knife and yells, "God Save the Queen",
1317 while plunging the knife into his heart.
1318 The Frenchman removes the knife from the fallen body, and yells,
1319 "Vive la France", while plunging the knife into his heart.
1320 The American removes the knife from the fallen body, and yells,
1321 while stabbing himself all over his body, "Here's your lousy canoe!"
1323 An older student came to Otis and said, "I have been to see a
1324 great number of teachers and I have given up a great number of pleasures.
1325 I have fasted, been celibate and stayed awake nights seeking enlightenment.
1326 I have given up everything I was asked to give up and I have suffered, but
1327 I have not been enlightened. What should I do?"
1328 Otis replied, "Give up suffering."
1329 -- Camden Benares, "Zen Without Zen Masters"
1331 And St. Attila raised the hand grenade up on high saying "O Lord
1332 bless this thy hand grenade that with it thou mayest blow thine enemies
1333 to tiny bits, in thy mercy" and the Lord did grin and the people did feast
1334 upon the lambs and sloths and carp and anchovies and orang-utangs and
1335 breakfast cereals and fruit bats and...
1336 (skip a bit brother...)
1337 Er ... oh, yes ... and the Lord spake, saying "First shalt thou
1338 take out the Holy Pin, then shalt thou count to three, no more, no less.
1339 Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the count
1340 shall be three. Four shalt thou not count neither count thou two, excepting
1341 that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number
1342 three, being the third number, be reached then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand
1343 Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who being naught in my sight, shall
1345 -- Monty Python, "The Book of Armaments"
1347 "And what will you do when you grow up to be as big as me?"
1348 asked the father of his little son.
1351 "Anything else, sir?" asked the attentive bellhop, trying his best
1352 to make the lady and gentleman comfortable in their penthouse suite in the
1354 "No. No, thank you," replied the gentleman.
1355 "Anything for your wife, sir?" the bellhop asked.
1356 "Why, yes, young man," said the gentleman. "Would you bring me
1359 "Anything else you wish to draw to my attention, Mr. Holmes ?"
1360 "The curious incident of the stable dog in the nightime."
1361 "But the dog did nothing in the nighttime."
1362 "That was the curious incident."
1363 -- A. Conan Doyle, "Silver Blaze"
1365 Approaching the gates of the monastery, Hakuin found Ken the Zen
1366 preaching to a group of disciples.
1367 "Words..." Ken orated, "they are but an illusory veil obfuscating
1368 the absolute reality of --"
1369 "Ken!" Hakuin interrupted. "Your fly is down!"
1370 Whereupon the Clear Light of Illumination exploded upon Ken, and he
1372 On the way to town, Hakuin was greeted by an itinerant monk imbued
1373 with the spirit of the morning.
1374 "Ah," the monk sighed, a beatific smile wrinkling across his cheeks,
1376 "Ah," Hakuin replied, pointing excitedly, "And Thou art Fat!"
1377 Whereupon the Clear Light of Illumination exploded upon the monk,
1379 Next, the Governor sought the advice of Hakuin, crying: "As our
1380 enemies bear down upon us, how shall I, with such heartless and callow
1381 soldiers as I am heir to, hope to withstand the impending onslaught?"
1382 "US?" snapped Hakuin.
1383 Whereupon the Clear Light of Illumination exploded upon the
1384 Governor, and he vaporized.
1385 Then, a redneck went up to Hakuin and vaporized the old Master with
1386 his shotgun. "Ha! Beat ya' to the punchline, ya' scrawny li'l geek!"
1388 As a general rule of thumb, never trust anybody who's been in therapy
1389 for more than 15 percent of their life span. The words "I am sorry" and "I
1390 am wrong" will have totally disappeared from their vocabulary. They will stab
1391 you, shoot you, break things in your apartment, say horrible things to your
1392 friends and family, and then justify this abhorrent behavior by saying:
1393 "Sure, I put your dog in the microwave. But I feel *better*
1395 -- Bruce Feirstein, "Nice Guys Sleep Alone"
1397 At a recent meeting in Snowmass, Colorado, a participant from
1398 Los Angeles fainted from hyperoxygenation, and we had to hold his head
1399 under the exhaust of a bus until he revived.
1401 Before he became a hermit, Zarathud was a young Priest, and
1402 took great delight in making fools of his opponents in front of
1404 One day Zarathud took his students to a pleasant pasture and
1405 there he confronted The Sacred Chao while She was contentedly grazing.
1406 "Tell me, you dumb beast," demanded the Priest in his
1407 commanding voice, "why don't you do something worthwhile? What is your
1408 Purpose in Life, anyway?"
1409 Munching the tasty grass, The Sacred Chao replied "MU". (The
1410 Chinese ideogram for NO-THING.)
1411 Upon hearing this, absolutely nobody was enlightened.
1412 Primarily because nobody understood Chinese.
1413 -- Camden Benares, "Zen Without Zen Masters"
1418 santa claus < north pole > town
1420 cat /etc/passwd > list
1423 cat list | grep naughty > nogiftlist
1424 cat list | grep nice > giftlist
1425 santa claus < north pole > town
1429 who | grep bad || good
1430 for (goodness sake) {
1434 Brian Kernighan has an automobile which he helped design.
1435 Unlike most automobiles, it has neither speedometer, nor gas guage, nor
1436 any of the numerous idiot lights which plague the modern driver.
1437 Rather, if the driver makes any mistake, a giant "?" lights up in the
1438 center of the dashboard. "The experienced driver", he says, "will
1439 usually know what's wrong."
1441 Bubba, Jim Bob, and Leroy were fishing out on the lake last November,
1442 and, when Bubba tipped his head back to empty the Jim Beam, he fell out of the
1443 boat into the lake. Jim Bob and Leroy pulled him back in, but as Bubba didn't
1444 look too good, they started up the Evinrude and headed back to the pier.
1445 By the time they got there, Bubba was turning kind of blue, and his
1446 teeth were chattering like all get out. Jim Bob said, "Leroy, go run up to
1447 the pickup and get Doc Pritchard on the CB, and ask him what we should do".
1448 Doc Pritchard, after hearing a description of the case, said "Now,
1449 Leroy, listen closely. Bubba is in great danger. He has hy-po-thermia. Now
1450 what you need to do is get all them wet clothes off of Bubba, and take your
1451 clothes off, and pile your clothes and jackets on top of him. Then you all
1452 get under that pile, and hug up to Bubba real close so that you warm him up.
1453 You understand me Leroy? You gotta warm Bubba up, or he'll die."
1454 Leroy and the Doc 10-4'ed each other, and Leroy came back to the
1455 pier. "Wh-Wh-What'd th-th-the d-d-doc s-s-say L-L-Leroy?", Bubba chattered.
1456 "Bubba, Doc says you're gonna die."
1458 By the middle 1880's, practically all the roads except those in
1459 the South, were of the present standard gauge. The southern roads were
1460 still five feet between rails.
1461 It was decided to change the gauge of all southern roads to standard,
1462 in one day. This remarkable piece of work was carried out on a Sunday in May
1463 of 1886. For weeks beforehand, shops had been busy pressing wheels in on the
1464 axles to the new and narrower gauge, to have a supply of rolling stock which
1465 could run on the new track as soon as it was ready. Finally, on the day set,
1466 great numbers of gangs of track layers went to work at dawn. Everywhere one
1467 rail was loosened, moved in three and one-half inches, and spiked down in its
1468 new position. By dark, trains from anywhere in the United States could operate
1469 over the tracks in the South, and a free interchange of freight cars everywhere
1471 -- Robert Henry, "Trains", 1957
1473 Carol's head ached as she trailed behind the unsmiling Calibrees
1474 along the block of booths. She chirruped at Kennicott, "Let's be wild!
1475 Let's ride on the merry-go-round and grab a gold ring!"
1476 Kennicott considered it, and mumbled to Calibree, "Think you folks
1477 would like to stop and try a ride on the merry-go-round?"
1478 Calibree considered it, and mumbled to his wife, "Think you'd like
1479 to stop and try a ride on the merry-go-round?"
1480 Mrs. Calibree smiled in a washed-out manner, and sighed, "Oh no,
1481 I don't believe I care to much, but you folks go ahead and try it."
1482 Calibree stated to Kennicott, "No, I don't believe we care to a
1483 whole lot, but you folks go ahead and try it."
1484 Kennicott summarized the whole case against wildness: "Let's try
1485 it some other time, Carrie."
1487 -- Sinclair Lewis, "Main Street"
1489 Catching his children with their hands in the new, still wet, patio,
1490 the father spanked them. His wife asked, "Don't you love your children?"
1491 "In the abstract, yes, but not in the concrete."
1494 Due to the convergence of forces beyond his comprehension,
1495 Salvatore Quanucci was suddenly squirted out of the universe
1496 like a watermelon seed, and never heard from again.
1498 Concerning the war in Vietnam, Senator George Aiken of Vermont noted
1499 in January, 1966, "I'm not very keen for doves or hawks. I think we need more
1501 -- Bill Adler, "The Washington Wits"
1504 (heard in Rutledge, Missouri, about eighteen years ago)
1506 Now, this dog is for sale, and she can not only follow a trail twice as
1507 old as the average dog can, but she's got a pretty good memory to boot.
1508 For instance, last week this old boy who lives down the road from me, and
1509 is forever stinkmouthing my hounds, brought some city fellow around to
1510 try out ol' Sis here. So I turned her out south of the house and she made
1511 two or three big swings back and forth across the edge of the woods, set
1512 back her head, bayed a couple of times, cut straight through the woods,
1513 come to a little clearing, jumped about three foot straight up in the air,
1514 run to the other side, and commenced to letting out a racket like she had
1515 something treed. We went over there with our flashlights and shone them
1516 up in the tree but couldn't catch no shine offa coon's eyes, and my
1517 neighbor sorta indicated that ol' Sis might be a little crazy, `cause she
1518 stood right to the tree and kept singing up into it. So I pulled off my
1519 coat and climbed up into the branches, and sure enough, there was a coon
1520 skeleton wedged in between a couple of branches about twenty foot up.
1521 Now as I was saying, she can follow a pretty old trail, but this fellow
1522 was still calling her crazy or touched `cause she had hopped up in the
1523 air while she was crossing the clearing, until I reminded him that the
1524 Hawkins' had a fence across there about five years back. Now, this dog
1526 -- News that stayed News: Ten Years of Coevolution Quarterly
1528 Cosmotronic Software Unlimited Inc. does not warrant that the
1529 functions contained in the program will meet your requirements or that
1530 the operation of the program will be uninterrupted or error-free.
1531 However, Cosmotronic Software Unlimited Inc. warrants the
1532 diskette(s) on which the program is furnished to be of black color and
1533 square shape under normal use for a period of ninety (90) days from the
1535 NOTE: IN NO EVENT WILL COSMOTRONIC SOFTWARE UNLIMITED OR ITS
1536 DISTRIBUTORS AND THEIR DEALERS BE LIABLE TO YOU FOR ANY DAMAGES, INCLUDING
1537 ANY LOST PROFIT, LOST SAVINGS, LOST PATIENCE OR OTHER INCIDENTAL OR
1538 CONSEQUENTIAL DAMAGES.
1539 -- Horstmann Software Design, the "ChiWriter" user manual
1541 Dallas Cowboys Official Schedule
1543 Sept 14 Pasadena Junior High
1544 Sept 21 Boy Scout Troop 049
1545 Sept 28 Blind Academy
1546 Sept 30 World War I Veterans
1547 Oct 5 Brownie Scout Troop 041
1548 Oct 12 Sugarcreek High Cheerleaders
1549 Oct 26 St. Thomas Boys Choir
1550 Nov 2 Texas City Vet Clinic
1551 Nov 9 Korean War Amputees
1552 Nov 15 VA Hospital Polio Patients
1554 "Darling," he breathed, "after making love I doubt if I'll
1555 be able to get over you -- so would you mind answering the phone?"
1557 "Darling," she whispered, "will you still love me after we are
1559 He considered this for a moment and then replied, "I think so.
1560 I've always been especially fond of married women."
1562 Deck us all with Boston Charlie,
1563 Walla Walla, Wash., an' Kalamazoo!
1564 Nora's freezin' on the trolley,
1565 Swaller dollar cauliflower, alleygaroo!
1567 Don't we know archaic barrel,
1568 Lullaby Lilla Boy, Louisville Lou.
1569 Trolley Molly don't love Harold,
1570 Boola boola Pensacoola hullabaloo!
1571 -- Pogo, "Deck Us All With Boston Charlie"
1573 Does anyone know how to get chocolate syrup and honey out of a
1574 white electric blanket? I'm afraid to wash it in the machine.
1576 Thanks, Kathy. (front desk, x17)
1578 p.s. Also, anyone ever used Noxema on friction burns?
1579 Or is Vaseline better?
1581 "Don't come back until you have him", the Tick-Tock Man said quietly,
1582 sincerely, extremely dangerously.
1583 They used dogs. They used probes. They used cardio plate crossoffs.
1584 They used teepers. They used bribery. They used stick tites. They used
1585 intimidation. They used torment. They used torture. They used finks.
1586 They used cops. They used search and seizure. They used fallaron. They
1587 used betterment incentives. They used finger prints. They used the
1588 bertillion system. They used cunning. They used guile. They used treachery.
1589 They used Raoul-Mitgong but he wasn't much help. They used applied physics.
1590 They used techniques of criminology. And what the hell, they caught him.
1591 -- Harlan Ellison, "Repent, Harlequin, said the Tick-Tock Man"
1593 Dr. Oliver Wendell Holmes of Harvard Medical School inhaled ether
1594 at a time when it was popularly supposed to produce such mystical or
1595 "mind-expanding" experiences, much as LSD is supposed to produce such
1596 experiences today. Here is his account of what happened:
1597 "I once inhaled a pretty full dose of ether, with the determination
1598 to put on record, at the earliest moment of regaining consciousness, the
1599 thought I should find uppermost in my mind. The mighty music of the triumphal
1600 march into nothingness reverberated through my brain, and filled me with a
1601 sense of infinite possibilities, which made me an archangel for a moment.
1602 The veil of eternity was lifted. The one great truth which underlies all
1603 human experience and is the key to all the mysteries that philosophy has
1604 sought in vain to solve, flashed upon me in a sudden revelation. Henceforth
1605 all was clear: a few words had lifted my intelligence to the level of the
1606 knowledge of the cherubim. As my natural condition returned, I remembered
1607 my resolution; and, staggering to my desk, I wrote, in ill-shaped, straggling
1608 characters, the all-embracing truth still glimmering in my consciousness.
1609 The words were these (children may smile; the wise will ponder):
1610 `A strong smell of turpentine prevails throughout.'"
1611 -- The Consumers Union Report: Licit & Illicit Drugs
1613 During a fight, a husband threw a bowl of Jello at his wife. She had
1614 him arrested for carrying a congealed weapon.
1615 In another fight, the wife decked him with a heavy glass pitcher.
1616 She's a women who conks to stupor.
1617 Upon reading a story about a man who throttled his mother-in-law, a
1618 man commented, "Sounds to me like a practical choker."
1619 It's not the initial skirt length, it's the upcreep.
1620 It's the theory of Jess Birnbaum, of Time magazine, that women with
1621 bad legs should stick to long skirts because they cover a multitude of shins.
1623 During a grouse hunt in North Carolina two intrepid sportsmen were
1624 blasting away at a clump of trees near a stone wall. Suddenly a red-face
1625 country squire popped his head over the wall and shouted, "Hey, you almost
1627 "Did I?" cried one hunter, aghast. "Terribly sorry. Have a shot
1628 at mine, over there."
1630 Eugene d'Albert, a noted German composer, was married six times.
1631 At an evening reception which he attended with his fifth wife shortly
1632 after their wedding, he presented the lady to a friend who said politely,
1633 "Congratulations, Herr d'Albert; you have rarely introduced me to so
1636 Everything is farther away than it used to be. It is even twice as
1637 far to the corner and they have added a hill. I have given up running for
1638 the bus; it leaves earlier than it used to.
1639 It seems to me they are making the stairs steeper than in the old
1640 days. And have you noticed the smaller print they use in the newspapers?
1641 There is no sense in asking anyone to read aloud anymore, as everybody
1642 speaks in such a low voice I can hardly hear them.
1643 The material in dresses is so skimpy now, especially around the hips
1644 and waist, that it is almost impossible to reach one's shoelaces. And the
1645 sizes don't run the way they used to. The 12's and 14's are so much smaller.
1646 Even people are changing. They are so much younger than they used to
1647 be when I was their age. On the other hand people my age are so much older
1649 I ran into an old classmate the other day and she has aged so much
1650 that she didn't recognize me.
1651 I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair
1652 this morning and in so doing I glanced at my own reflection. Really now,
1653 they don't even make good mirrors like they used to.
1654 Sandy Frazier, "I Have Noticed"
1656 Excellence is THE trend of the '80s. Walk into any shopping
1657 mall bookstore, go to the rack where they keep the best-sellers such as
1658 "Garfield Gets Spayed", and you'll see a half-dozen books telling you
1659 how to be excellent: "In Search of Excellence", "Finding Excellence",
1660 "Grasping Hold of Excellence", "Where to Hide Your Excellence at Night
1661 So the Cleaning Personnel Don't Steal It", etc.
1662 -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence"
1664 Exxon's 'Universe of Energy' tends to the peculiar rather than the
1665 humorous ... After [an incomprehensible film montage about wind and sun and
1666 rain and strip mines and] two or three minutes of mechanical confusion, the
1667 seats locomote through a short tunnel filled with clock-work dinosaurs.
1668 The dinosaurs are depicted without accuracy and too close to your face.
1669 "One of the few real novelties at Epcot is the use of smell to
1670 aggravate illusions. Of course, no one knows what dinosaurs smelled like,
1671 but Exxon has decided they smelled bad.
1672 "At the other end of Dino Ditch ... there's a final, very addled
1673 message about facing challengehood tomorrow-wise. I dozed off during this,
1674 but the import seems to be that dinosaurs don't have anything to do with
1675 energy policy and neither do you."
1676 -- P.J. O'Rourke, "Holidays in Hell"
1678 For example, in Year 1 that useless letter 'c' would be dropped to be
1679 replased either by 'k' or 's', and likewise 'x' would no longer be part of the
1680 alphabet. The only kase in which 'c' would be retained would be the 'ch'
1681 formation, which will be dealt with later. Year 2 might reform 'w' spelling,
1682 so that 'which' and 'one' would take the same konsonant, wile Year 3 might
1683 well abolish 'y' replasing it with 'i' and Iear 4 might fiks the 'g-j'
1684 anomali wonse and for all.
1685 Jenerally, then, the improvement would kontinue iear bai iear with
1686 Iear 5 doing awai with useless double konsonants, and Iears 6-12 or so
1687 modifaiing vowlz and the rimeining voist and unvoist konsonants. Bai
1688 Iear 15 or sou, it wud fainali bi posibl tu meik ius ov thi ridandant letez
1689 'c', 'y' and 'x' - bai now jast a memori in the maindz ov ould doderez - tu
1690 riplais 'ch', 'sh', and 'th' rispektivli.
1691 Fainali, xen, aafte sam 20 iers ov orxogrefkl riform, wi wud hev a
1692 lojikl, kohirnt speling in ius xrewawt xe Ingliy-spiking werld.
1694 "Found it," the Mouse replied rather crossly:
1695 "of course you know what 'it' means."
1697 "I know what 'it' means well enough, when I find a thing,"
1698 said the Duck: "it's generally a frog or a worm.
1700 The question is, what did the archbishop find?"
1702 Four Oxford dons were taking their evening walk together and as
1703 usual, were engaged in casual but learned conversation. On this particular
1704 evening, their conversation was about the names given to groups of animals,
1705 such as a "pride of lions" or a "gaggle of geese."
1706 One of the professors noticed a group of prostitutes down the block,
1707 and posed the question, "What name would be given to that group?" The four
1708 fell into silence for a moment, as they pondered the possibilities...
1709 At last, one spoke: "How about 'a Jam of Tarts'?" The others nodded
1710 in acknowledgement as they continued to consider the problem. A second
1711 professor spoke: "I'd suggest 'an Essay of Trollops.'" Again, the others
1712 nodded. A third spoke: "I propose 'a Flourish of Strumpets.'"
1713 They continued their walk in silence, until the first professor
1714 remarked to the remaining professor, who was the most senior and learned of
1715 the four, "You haven't suggested a name for our ladies. What are your
1717 Replied the fourth professor, "'An Anthology of Prose.'"
1719 Fred noticed his roommate had a black eye upon returning from a dance.
1720 "What happened?" "I was struck by the beauty of the place."
1721 A pushy romeo asked a gorgeous elevator operator, "Don't all these
1722 stops and starts get you pretty worn out?" "It isn't the stops and starts
1723 that get on my nerves, it's the jerks."
1724 An airplane pilot got engaged to two very pretty women at the same
1725 time. One was named Edith; the other named Kate. They met, discovered they
1726 had the same fiancee, and told him. "Get out of our lives you rascal. We'll
1727 teach you that you can't have your Kate and Edith, too."
1728 A domineering man married a mere wisp of a girl. He came back from
1729 his honeymoon a chastened man. He'd become aware of the will of the wisp.
1730 A young husband with an inferiority complex insisted he was just a
1731 little pebble on the beach. The marriage counselor told him, "If you wish to
1732 save your marriage, you'd better be a little boulder."
1734 Friends were surprised, indeed, when Frank and Jennifer broke their
1735 engagement, but Frank had a ready explanation: "Would you marry someone who
1736 was habitually unfaithful, who lied at every turn, who was selfish and lazy
1738 "Of course not," said a sympathetic friend.
1739 "Well," retorted Frank, "neither would Jennifer."
1741 "Gee, Mudhead, everyone at Morse Science High has an
1742 extracurricular activity except you."
1743 "Well, gee, doesn't Louise count?"
1744 "Only to ten, Mudhead."
1746 "Gentlemen of the jury," said the defense attorney, now beginning
1747 to warm to his summation, "the real question here before you is, shall this
1748 beautiful young woman be forced to languish away her loveliest years in a
1749 dark prison cell? Or shall she be set free to return to her cozy little
1750 apartment at 4134 Mountain Ave. -- there to spend her lonely, loveless hours
1751 in her boudoir, lying beside her little Princess phone, 962-7873?"
1753 God decided to take the devil to court and settle their
1754 differences once and for all.
1755 When Satan heard of this, he grinned and said, "And just
1756 where do you think you're going to find a lawyer?"
1758 Graduating seniors, parents and friends...
1759 Let me begin by reassuring you that my remarks today will stand up
1760 to the most stringent requirements of the new appropriateness.
1761 The intra-college sensitivity advisory committee has vetted the
1762 text of even trace amounts of subconscious racism, sexism and classism.
1763 Moreover, a faculty panel of deconstructionists have reconfigured
1764 the rhetorical components within a post-structuralist framework, so as to
1765 expunge any offensive elements of western rationalism and linear logic.
1766 Finally, all references flowing from a white, male, eurocentric
1767 perspective have been eliminated, as have any other ruminations deemed
1768 denigrating to the political consensus of the moment.
1770 Thank you and good luck.
1771 -- Doonesbury, the University Chancellor's graduation speech.
1773 Hack placidly amidst the noisy printers and remember what prizes there
1774 may be in Science. As fast as possible get a good terminal on a good system.
1775 Enter your data clearly but always encrypt your results. And listen to others,
1776 even the dull and ignorant, for they may be your customers. Avoid loud and
1777 aggressive persons, for they are sales reps.
1778 If you compare your outputs with those of others, you may be surprised,
1779 for always there will be greater and lesser numbers than you have crunched.
1780 Keep others interested in your career, and try not to fumble; it can be a real
1781 hassle and could change your fortunes in time.
1782 Exercise system control in your experiments, for the world is full of
1783 bugs. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive
1784 for linearity and everywhere papers are full of approximations. Strive for
1785 proportionality. Especially, do not faint when it occurs. Neither be cyclical
1786 about results; for in the face of all data analysis it is sure to be noticed.
1787 Take with a grain of salt the anomalous data points. Gracefully pass
1788 them on to the youth at the next desk. Nurture some mutual funds to shield
1789 you in times of sudden layoffs. But do not distress yourself with imaginings
1790 -- the real bugs are enough to screw you badly. Murphy's Law runs the
1791 Universe -- and whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt <Curl>B*n dS = 0.
1792 Therefore, grab for a piece of the pie, with whatever proposals you
1793 can conceive of to try. With all the crashed disks, skewed data, and broken
1794 line printers, you can still have a beautiful secretary. Be linear. Strive
1796 -- Technolorata, "Analog"
1798 "Haig, in congressional hearings before his confirmatory, paradoxed
1799 his audiencers by abnormaling his responds so that verbs were nouned, nouns
1800 verbed, and adjectives adverbised. He techniqued a new way to vocabulary his
1801 thoughts so as to informationally uncertain anybody listening about what he
1802 had actually implicationed.
1803 "If that is how General Haig wants to nervous breakdown the Russian
1804 leadership, he may be shrewding his way to the biggest diplomatic invent
1805 since Clausewitz. Unless, that is, he schizophrenes his allies first."
1808 Hardware met Software on the road to Changtse. Software said: "You
1809 are the Yin and I am the Yang. If we travel together we will become famous
1810 and earn vast sums of money." And so the pair set forth together, thinking
1811 to conquer the world.
1812 Presently, they met Firmware, who was dressed in tattered rags, and
1813 hobbled along propped on a thorny stick. Firmware said to them: "The Tao
1814 lies beyond Yin and Yang. It is silent and still as a pool of water. It does
1815 not seek fame, therefore nobody knows its presence. It does not seeks fortune,
1816 for it is complete within itself. It exists beyond space and time."
1817 Software and Hardware, ashamed, returned to their homes.
1818 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
1820 Harry, a golfing enthusiast if there ever was one, arrived home
1821 from the club to an irate, ranting wife.
1822 "I'm leaving you, Harry," his wife announced bitterly. "You
1823 promised me faithfully that you'd be back before six and here it is almost
1824 nine. It just can't take that long to play 18 holes of golf."
1825 "Honey, wait," said Harry. "Let me explain. I know what I promised
1826 you, but I have a very good reason for being late. Fred and I tee'd off
1827 right on time and everything was find for the first three holes. Then, on
1828 the fourth tee Fred had a stroke. I ran back to the clubhouse but couldn't
1829 find a doctor. And, by the time I got back to Fred, he was dead. So, for
1830 the next 15 holes, it was hit the ball, drag Fred, hit the ball, drag Fred...
1832 Harry constantly irritated his friends with his eternal optimism.
1833 No matter how bad the situation, he would always say, "Well, it could have
1835 To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a
1836 situation so completely black, so dreadful, that even Harry could find no
1837 hope in it. Approaching him at the club bar one day, one of them said,
1838 "Harry! Did you hear what happened to George? He came home last night,
1839 found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both, and then turned
1840 the gun on himself!"
1841 "Terrible," said Harry. "But it could have been worse."
1842 "How in hell," demanded his dumfounded friend, "could it possibly
1844 "Well," said Harry, "if it had happened the night before, I'd be
1847 He had been bitten by a dog, but didn't give it much thought
1848 until he noticed that the wound was taking a remarkably long time to
1849 heal. Finally, he consulted a doctor who took one look at it and
1850 ordered the dog brought in. Just as he had suspected, the dog had
1851 rabies. Since it was too late to give the patient serum, the doctor
1852 felt he had to prepare him for the worst. The poor man sat down at the
1853 doctor's desk and began to write. His physician tried to comfort him.
1854 "Perhaps it won't be so bad," he said. "You needn't make out your will
1856 "I'm not making out any will," relied the man. "I'm just writing
1857 out a list of people I'm going to bite!"
1859 ...He who laughs does not believe in what he laughs at, but neither
1860 does he hate it. Therefore, laughing at evil means not preparing oneself to
1861 combat it, and laughing at good means denying the power through which good is
1863 -- Umberto Eco, "The Name of the Rose"
1865 "Heard you were moving your piano, so I came over to help."
1866 "Thanks. Got it upstairs already."
1868 "Nope. Hitched the cat to it."
1869 "How would that help?"
1872 "Hello, Mrs. Premise!"
1873 "Oh, hello, Mrs. Conclusion! Busy day?"
1874 "Busy? I just spent four hours burying the cat."
1875 "Four hours to bury a cat!?"
1876 "Yes, he wouldn't keep still: wrigglin' about, 'owlin'..."
1877 "Oh, it's not dead then."
1878 "Oh no, no, but it's not at all a well cat, and as we're
1879 goin' away for a fortnight I thought I'd better bury it just to be
1881 "Quite right. You don't want to come back from Sorrento
1882 to a dead cat, do you?"
1885 Here is the fact of the week, maybe even the fact of the month.
1886 According to probably reliable sources, the Coca-Cola people are experiencing
1887 severe marketing anxiety in China.
1888 The words "Coca-Cola" translate into Chinese as either (depending
1889 on the inflection) "wax-fattened mare" or "bite the wax tadpole".
1890 Bite the wax tadpole.
1891 There is a sort of rough justice, is there not?
1892 The trouble with this fact, as lovely as it is, is that it's hard
1893 to get a whole column out of it. I'd like to teach the world to bite a wax
1894 tadpole. Coke -- it's the real wax-fattened mare. Not bad, but broad
1895 satiric vistas do not open up.
1896 -- John Carrol, The San Francisco Chronicle
1898 Here is the problem: for many years, the Supreme Court wrestled
1899 with the issue of pornography, until finally Associate Justice John
1900 Paul Stevens came up with the famous quotation about how he couldn't
1901 define pornography, but he knew it when he saw it. So for a while, the
1902 court's policy was to have all the suspected pornography trucked to
1903 Justice Stevens' house, where he would look it over. "Nope, this isn't
1904 it," he'd say. "Bring some more." This went on until one morning when
1905 his housekeeper found him trapped in the recreation room under an
1906 enormous mound of rubberized implements, and the court had to issue a
1907 ruling stating that it didn't know what the hell pornography was except
1908 that it was illegal and everybody should stop badgering the court about
1909 it because the court was going to take a nap.
1910 -- Dave Barry, "Pornography"
1912 "How did you spend the weekend?" asked the pretty brunette secretary
1913 of her blonde companion.
1914 "Fishing through the ice," she replied.
1915 "Fishing through the ice? Whatever for?"
1918 "How many people work here?"
1921 How many seconds are there in a year? If I tell you there are
1922 3.155 x 10^7, you won't even try to remember it. On the other hand, who
1923 could forget that, to within half a percent, pi seconds is a nanocentury.
1924 -- Tom Duff, Bell Labs
1926 "How would I know if I believe in love at first sight?" the sexy
1927 social climber said to her roommate. "I mean, I've never seen a Porsche
1928 full of money before."
1930 "How'd you get that flat?"
1931 "Ran over a bottle."
1932 "Didn't you see it?"
1933 "Damn kid had it under his coat."
1935 "I believe you have the wrong number," said the old gentleman into
1936 the phone. "You'll have to call the weather bureau for that information."
1937 "Who was that?" his young wife asked.
1938 "Some guy wanting to know if the coast was clear."
1940 "I cannot read the fiery letters," said Frito Bugger in a
1942 "No," said GoodGulf, "but I can. The letters are Elvish, of
1943 course, of an ancient mode, but the language is that of Mordor, which
1944 I will not utter here. They are lines of a verse long known in
1947 "This Ring, no other, is made by the elves,
1948 Who'd pawn their own mother to grab it themselves.
1949 Ruler of creeper, mortal, and scallop,
1950 This is a sleeper that packs quite a wallop.
1951 The Power almighty rests in this Lone Ring.
1952 The Power, alrighty, for doing your Own Thing.
1953 If broken or busted, it cannot be remade.
1954 If found, send to Sorhed (with postage prepaid)."
1955 -- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings"
1957 I did some heavy research so as to be prepared for "Mommy, why is
1959 HE asked me about black holes in space.
1960 (There's a hole *where*?)
1962 I boned up to be ready for, "Why is the grass green?"
1963 HE wanted to discuss nature's food chains.
1964 (Well, let's see, there's ShopRite, Pathmark...)
1966 I talked about Choo-Choo trains.
1967 HE talked internal combustion engines.
1968 (The INTERNAL COMBUSTION ENGINE said, "I think I can, I think I can.")
1970 I was delighted with the video game craze, thinking we could compete
1972 HE described the complexities of the microchips required to create
1975 Then puberty struck. Ah, adolescence.
1976 HE said, "Mom, I just don't understand women."
1978 -- Betty LiBrizzi, "The Care and Feeding of a Gifted Child"
1980 I disapprove of the F-word, not because it's dirty, but because we
1981 use it as a substitute for thoughtful insults, and it frequently leads to
1982 violence. What we ought to do, when we anger each other, say, in traffic,
1983 is exchange phone numbers, so that later on, when we've had time to think
1984 of witty and learned insults or look them up in the library, we could call
1988 You: This is Ed. Remember? The person whose parking space you
1989 took last Thursday? Outside of Sears?
1990 Bob: Oh yes! Sure! How are you, Ed?
1991 You: Fine, thanks. Listen, Bob, the reason I'm calling is:
1992 "Madam, you may be drunk, but I am ugly, and ..." No, wait.
1993 I mean: "you may be ugly, but I am Winston Churchill
1994 and ..." No, wait. (Sound of reference book thudding onto
1995 the floor.) S-word. Excuse me. Look, Bob, I'm going to
1996 have to get back to you.
2000 "I don't know what you mean by 'glory'," Alice said.
2001 Humpty Dumpty smiled contemptuously. "Of course you don't --
2002 till I tell you. I meant 'there's a nice knock-down argument for you!'"
2003 "But glory doesn't mean 'a nice knock-down argument'," Alice
2005 "When I use a word," Humpty Dumpty said, in a rather scornful
2006 tone, "it means just what I choose it to mean -- neither more nor less."
2007 "The question is," said Alice, "whether you can make words mean
2008 so many different things."
2009 "The question is," said Humpty Dumpty, "which is to be master --
2012 I for one cannot protest the recent M.T.A. fare hike and the
2013 accompanying promises that this would in no way improve service. For
2014 the transit system, as it now operates, has hidden advantages that
2015 can't be measured in monetary terms.
2016 Personally, I feel that it is well worth 75 cents or even $1 to
2017 have that unimpeachable excuse whenever I am late to anything: "I came
2018 by subway." Those four words have such magic in them that if Godot
2019 should someday show up and mumble them, any audience would instantly
2020 understand his long delay.
2022 "I have examined Bogota," he said, "and the case is clearer to me.
2023 I think very probably he might be cured."
2024 "That is what I have always hoped," said old Yacob.
2025 "His brain is affected," said the blind doctor.
2026 The elders murmured assent.
2027 "Now, what affects it?"
2028 "Ah!" said old Yacob.
2029 "This," said the doctor, answering his own question. "Those queer
2030 things that are called the eyes, and which exist to make an agreeable soft
2031 depression in the face, are diseased, in the case of Bogota, in such a way
2032 as to affect his brain. They are greatly distended, he has eyelashes, and
2033 his eyelids move, and consequently his brain is in a state of constant
2034 irritation and distraction."
2035 "Yes?" said old Yacob. "Yes?"
2036 "And I think I may say with reasonable certainty that, in order
2037 to cure him completely, all that we need do is a simple and easy surgical
2038 operation - namely, to remove those irritant bodies."
2039 "And then he will be sane?"
2040 "Then he will be perfectly sane, and a quite admirable citizen."
2041 "Thank heaven for science!" said old Yacob.
2042 -- H.G. Wells, "The Country of the Blind"
2044 I made it a rule to forbear all direct contradictions to the sentiments
2045 of others, and all positive assertion of my own. I even forbade myself the use
2046 of every word or expression in the language that imported a fixed opinion, such
2047 as "certainly", "undoubtedly", etc. I adopted instead of them "I conceive",
2048 "I apprehend", or "I imagine" a thing to be so or so; or "so it appears to me
2050 When another asserted something that I thought an error, I denied
2051 myself the pleasure of contradicting him abruptly, and of showing him
2052 immediately some absurdity in his proposition. In answering I began by
2053 observing that in certain cases or circumstances his opinion would be right,
2054 but in the present case there appeared or seemed to me some difference, etc.
2055 I soon found the advantage of this change in my manner; the
2056 conversations I engaged in went on more pleasantly. The modest way in which I
2057 proposed my opinions procured them a readier reception and less contradiction.
2058 I had less mortification when I was found to be in the wrong, and I more easily
2059 prevailed with others to give up their mistakes and join with me when I
2060 happened to be in the right.
2061 -- Autobiography of Benjamin Franklin
2063 I managed to say, "Sorry," and no more. I knew that he disliked
2065 This time he said, watching me, "On some occasions it is better
2067 I put my head down on the table and sobbed, "If only she could come
2068 back; I would be nice."
2069 Francis said, "You gave her great pleasure always."
2071 "Nobody can give anybody enough."
2073 "No, not ever. But one must go on trying."
2074 "And doesn't one ever value people until they are gone?"
2075 "Rarely," said Francis. I went on weeping; I saw how little I had
2076 valued him; how little I had valued anything that was mine.
2077 -- Pamela Frankau, "The Duchess and the Smugs"
2079 I paid a visit to my local precinct in Greenwich Village and
2080 asked a sergeant to show me some rape statistics. He politely obliged.
2081 That month there had been thirty-five rape complaints, an advance of ten
2082 over the same month for the previous year. The precinct had made two
2084 "Not a very impressive record," I offered.
2085 "Don't worry about it," the sergeant assured me. "You know what
2086 these complaints represent?"
2087 "What do they represent?" I asked.
2088 "Prostitutes who didn't get their money," he said firmly,
2090 -- Susan Brownmiller, "Against Our Will"
2092 [I plan] to see, hear, touch, and destroy everything in my path,
2093 including beets, rutabagas, and most random vegetables, but excluding yams,
2094 as I am absolutely terrified of yams...
2095 Actually, I think my fear of yams began in my early youth, when many
2096 of my young comrades pelted me with same for singing songs of far-off lands
2097 and deep blue seas in a language closely resembling that of the common sow.
2098 My psychosis was further impressed into my soul as I reached adolescence,
2099 when, while skipping through a field of yams, light-heartedly tossing flowers
2100 into the stratosphere, a great yam-picking machine tore through the fields,
2101 pursuing me to the edge of the great plantation, where I escaped by diving
2102 into a great ditch filled with a mixture of water and pig manure, which may
2103 explain my tendency to scream, "Here come the Martians! Hide the eggs!" every
2104 time I have pork. But I digress. The fact remains that I cannot rationally
2105 deal with yams, and pigs are terrible conversationalists.
2107 I went into a bar feeling a little depressed, the bartender said,
2108 "What'll you have, Bud"?
2109 I said," I don't know, surprise me".
2110 So he showed me a nude picture of my wife.
2111 -- Rodney Dangerfield
2113 If I kiss you, that is an psychological interaction.
2114 On the other hand, if I hit you over the head with a brick,
2115 that is also a psychological interaction.
2116 The difference is that one is friendly and the other is not
2118 The crucial point is if you can tell which is which.
2119 -- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot"
2121 If the tao is great, then the operating system is great. If the
2122 operating system is great, then the compiler is great. If the compiler
2123 is great, then the application is great. If the application is great, then
2124 the user is pleased and there is harmony in the world.
2125 The tao gave birth to machine language. Machine language gave birth
2127 The assembler gave birth to the compiler. Now there are ten thousand
2129 Each language has its purpose, however humble. Each language
2130 expresses the yin and yang of software. Each language has its place within
2132 But do not program in Cobol or Fortran if you can help it.
2134 If you do your best the rest of the way, that takes care of
2135 everything. When we get to October 2, we'll add up the wins, and then
2136 we'll either all go into the playoffs, or we'll all go home and play golf.
2137 Both those things sound pretty good to me.
2140 If you rap your knuckles against a window jamb or door, if you
2141 brush your leg against a bed or desk, if you catch your foot in a curled-
2142 up corner of a rug, or strike a toe against a desk or chair, go back and
2143 repeat the sequence.
2144 You will find yourself surprised how far off course you were to
2145 hit that window jamb, that door, that chair. Get back on course and do it
2146 again. How can you pilot a spacecraft if you can't find your way around
2148 -- William S. Burroughs
2150 "I'll tell you what I know, then," he decided. "The pin I'm wearing
2151 means I'm a member of the IA. That's Inamorati Anonymous. An inamorato is
2152 somebody in love. That's the worst addiction of all."
2153 "Somebody is about to fall in love," Oedipa said, "you go sit with
2154 them, or something?"
2155 "Right. The whole idea is to get where you don't need it. I was
2156 lucky. I kicked it young. But there are sixty-year-old men, believe it or
2157 not, and women even older, who might wake up in the night screaming."
2158 "You hold meetings, then, like the AA?"
2159 "No, of course not. You get a phone number, an answering service
2160 you can call. Nobody knows anybody else's name; just the number in case
2161 it gets so bad you can't handle it alone. We're isolates, Arnold. Meetings
2162 would destroy the whole point of it."
2163 -- Thomas Pynchon, "The Crying of Lot 49"
2165 "I'm looking for adventure, excitement, beautiful women," cried the
2166 young man to his father as he prepared to leave home. "Don't try to stop me.
2168 "Who's trying to stop you?" shouted the father. "Take me along!"
2170 I'm sure that VMS is completely documented, I just haven't found the
2171 right manual yet. I've been working my way through the manuals in the document
2172 library and I'm half way through the second cabnet, (3 shelves to go), so I
2173 should find what I'm looking for by mid May. I hope I can remember what it
2174 was by the time I find it.
2175 I had this idea for a new horror film, "VMS Manuals from Hell" or maybe
2176 "The Paper Chase : IBM vs. DEC". It's based on Hitchcock's "The Birds", except
2177 that it's centered around a programmer who is attacked by a swarm of binder
2178 pages with an index number and the single line "This page intentionally left
2182 In a forest a fox bumps into a little rabbit, and says, "Hi,
2183 Junior, what are you up to?"
2184 "I'm writing a dissertation on how rabbits eat foxes," said the
2186 "Come now, friend rabbit, you know that's impossible! No one
2187 will publish such rubbish!"
2188 "Well, follow me and I'll show you."
2189 They both go into the rabbit's dwelling and after a while the
2190 rabbit emerges with a satisfied expression on his face. Comes along a
2191 wolf. "Hello, little buddy, what are we doing these days?"
2192 "I'm writing the 2'nd chapter of my thesis, on how rabbits devour
2194 "Are you crazy? Where's your academic honesty?"
2195 "Come with me and I'll show you."
2196 As before, the rabbit comes out with a satisfied look on his face
2197 and a diploma in his paw. Finally, the camera pans into the rabbit's cave
2198 and, as everybody should have guessed by now, we see a mean-looking, huge
2199 lion, sitting, picking his teeth and belching, next to some furry, bloody
2200 remnants of the wolf and the fox.
2202 The moral: It's not the contents of your thesis that are
2203 important -- it's your PhD advisor that really counts.
2205 In "King Henry VI, Part II," Shakespeare has Dick Butcher suggest to
2206 his fellow anti-establishment rabble-rousers, "The first thing we do, let's
2207 kill all the lawyers." That action may be extreme but a similar sentiment
2208 was expressed by Thomas K. Connellan, president of The Management Group, Inc.
2209 Speaking to business executives in Chicago and quoted in Automotive News,
2210 Connellan attributed a measure of America's falling productivity to an excess
2211 of attorneys and accountants, and a dearth of production experts. Lawyers
2212 and accountants "do not make the economic pie any bigger; they only figure
2213 out how the pie gets divided. Neither profession provides any added value
2215 According to Connellan, the highly productive Japanese society has
2216 10 lawyers and 30 accountants per 100,000 population. The U.S. has 200
2217 lawyers and 700 accountants. This suggests that "the U.S. proportion of
2218 pie-bakers and pie-dividers is way out of whack." Could Dick Butcher have
2219 been an efficiency expert?
2220 -- Motor Trend, May 1983
2222 In the beginning, God created the Earth and he said, "Let there be
2225 And God said, "Let Us make living creatures out of mud, so the mud
2226 can see what we have done."
2227 And God created every living creature that now moveth, and one was
2228 man. Mud-as-man alone could speak.
2229 "What is the purpose of all this?" man asked politely.
2230 "Everything must have a purpose?" asked God.
2231 "Certainly," said man.
2232 "Then I leave it to you to think of one for all of this," said God.
2234 -- Kurt Vonnegut, Between Time and Timbuktu"
2236 In the beginning there was data. The data was without form and
2237 null, and darkness was upon the face of the console; and the Spirit of
2238 IBM was moving over the face of the market. And DEC said, "Let there
2239 be registers"; and there were registers. And DEC saw that they
2240 carried; and DEC separated the data from the instructions. DEC called
2241 the data Stack, and the instructions they called Code. And there was
2242 evening and there was morning, one interrupt.
2243 -- Rico Tudor, "The Story of Creation or, The Myth of Urk"
2245 In the beginning there was only one kind of Mathematician, created by
2246 the Great Mathematical Spirit form the Book: the Topologist. And they grew to
2247 large numbers and prospered.
2248 One day they looked up in the heavens and desired to reach up as far
2249 as the eye could see. So they set out in building a Mathematical edifice that
2250 was to reach up as far as "up" went. Further and further up they went ...
2251 until one night the edifice collapsed under the weight of paradox.
2252 The following morning saw only rubble where there once was a huge
2253 structure reaching to the heavens. One by one, the Mathematicians climbed
2254 out from under the rubble. It was a miracle that nobody was killed; but when
2255 they began to speak to one another, SUPRISE of all suprises! they could not
2256 understand each other. They all spoke different languages. They all fought
2257 amongst themselves and each went about their own way. To this day the
2258 Topologists remain the original Mathematicians.
2259 -- The Story of Babel
2261 In the beginning was the Tao. The Tao gave birth to Space and Time.
2262 Therefore, Space and Time are the Yin and Yang of programming.
2264 Programmers that do not comprehend the Tao are always running out of
2265 time and space for their programs. Programmers that comprehend the Tao always
2266 have enough time and space to accomplish their goals.
2267 How could it be otherwise?
2268 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
2270 In the days when Sussman was a novice Minsky once came to him as he
2271 sat hacking at the PDP-6.
2272 "What are you doing?", asked Minsky.
2273 "I am training a randomly wired neural net to play Tic-Tac-Toe."
2274 "Why is the net wired randomly?", inquired Minsky.
2275 "I do not want it to have any preconceptions of how to play".
2276 At this Minsky shut his eyes, and Sussman asked his teacher "Why do
2277 you close your eyes?"
2278 "So that the room will be empty."
2279 At that moment, Sussman was enlightened.
2281 In the east there is a shark which is larger than all other fish. It
2282 changes into a bird whose winds are like clouds filling the sky. When this
2283 bird moves across the land, it brings a message from Corporate Headquarters.
2284 This message it drops into the midst of the program mers, like a seagull
2285 making its mark upon the beach. Then the bird mounts on the wind and, with
2286 the blue sky at its back, returns home.
2287 The novice programmer stares in wonder at the bird, for he understands
2288 it not. The average programmer dreads the coming of the bird, for he fears
2289 its message. The master programmer continues to work at his terminal, for he
2290 does not know that the bird has come and gone.
2291 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
2293 In the morning, laughing, happy fish heads
2294 In the evening, floating in the soup.
2296 Fish heads, fish heads, roly-poly fish heads;
2297 Fish heads, fish heads, eat them up. Yum!
2298 You can ask them anything you want to.
2299 They won't answer; they can't talk.
2301 I took a fish head out to see a movie,
2302 Didn't have to pay to get it in.
2304 They can't play baseball; they don't wear sweaters;
2305 They aren't good dancers; they can't play drums.
2307 Roly-poly fish heads are NEVER seen drinking cappucino in
2308 Italian restaurants with Oriental women.
2314 "In this replacement Earth we're building they've given me Africa
2315 to do and of course I'm doing it with all fjords again because I happen to
2316 like them, and I'm old-fashioned enough to think that they give a lovely
2317 baroque feel to a continent. And they tell me it's not equatorial enough.
2318 Equatorial!" He gave a hollow laugh. "What does it matter? Science has
2319 achieved some wonderful things, of course, but I'd far rather be happy than
2322 "No. That's where it all falls down, of course."
2323 "Pity," said Arthur with sympathy. "It sounded like quite a good
2324 life-style otherwise."
2325 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
2327 In what can only be described as a surprise move, God has officially
2328 announced His candidacy for the U.S. presidency. During His press conference
2329 today, the first in over 4000 years, He is quoted as saying, "I think I have
2330 a chance for the White House if I can just get my campaign pulled together
2331 in time. I'd like to get this country turned around; I mean REALLY turned
2332 around! Let's put Florida up north for awhile, and let's get rid of all
2333 those annoying mountains and rivers. I never could stand them!"
2334 There apparently is still some controversy over the Almighty's
2335 citizenship and other qualifications for the Presidency. God replied to
2336 these charges by saying, "Come on, would the United States have anyone other
2337 than a citizen bless their country?"
2339 Insofar as I may be heard by anything, which may or may not care
2340 what I say, I ask, if it matters, that you be forgiven for anything you
2341 may have done or failed to do which requires forgiveness. Conversely, if
2342 not forgiveness but something else may be required to insure any possible
2343 benefit for which you may be eligible after the destruction of your body,
2344 I ask this, whatever it may be, be granted or withheld, as the case may be,
2345 in such a manner as to insure your receiving said benefit. I ask this in my
2346 capacity as your elected intermediary between yourself and that which may
2347 not be yourself, but which may have an interest in the matter of your
2348 receiving as much as it is possible for you to receive of this thing, and
2349 which may in some way be influenced by this ceremony.
2352 It appears that after his death, Albert Einstein found himself
2353 working as the doorkeeper at the Pearly Gates. One slow day, he
2354 found that he had time to chat with the new entrants. To the first one
2355 he asked, "What's your IQ?" The new arrival replied, "190". They
2356 discussed Einstein's theory of relativity for hours. When the second
2357 new arrival came, Einstein once again inquired as to the newcomer's
2358 IQ. The answer this time came "120". To which Einstein replied, "Tell
2359 me, how did the Cubs do this year?" and they proceeded to talk for half
2360 an hour or so. To the final arrival, Einstein once again posed the
2361 question, "What's your IQ?". Upon receiving the answer "70",
2362 Einstein smiled and replied, "Got a minute to tell me about VMS 4.0?"
2364 It is a period of system war. User programs, striking from a hidden
2365 directory, have won their first victory against the evil Administrative Empire.
2366 During the battle, User spies managed to steal secret source code to the
2367 Empire's ultimate program: the Are-Em Star, a privileged root program with
2368 enough power to destroy an entire file structure. Pursued by the Empire's
2369 sinister audit trail, Princess _LPA0 races ~ aboard her shell script,
2370 custodian of the stolen listings that could save her people, and restore
2371 freedom and games to the network...
2374 It is a profoundly erroneous truism, repeated by all copy-books and
2375 by eminent people when they are making speeches, that we should cultivate
2376 the habit of thinking about what we are doing. The precise opposite is the
2377 case. Civilization advances by extending the numbers of important operations
2378 which we can perform without thinking about them. Operations of thought are
2379 like cavalry charges in battle -- they are strictly limited in number, they
2380 require fresh horses, and must only be made at decisive moments.
2381 -- Alfred North Whitehead
2383 It is always preferable to visit home with a friend. Your parents will
2384 not be pleased with this plan, because they want you all to themselves and
2385 because in the presence of your friend, they will have to act like mature
2387 The worst kind of friend to take home is a girl, because in that case,
2388 there is the potential that your parents will lose you not just for the
2389 duration of the visit but forever. The worst kind of girl to take home is one
2390 of a different religion: Not only will you be lost to your parents forever but
2391 you will be lost to a woman who is immune to their religious/moral arguments
2392 and whose example will irretrievably corrupt you.
2393 Let's say you've fallen in love with just such a girl and would like
2394 to take her home for the holidays. You are aware of your parents' xenophobic
2395 response to anyone of a different religion. How to prepare them for the shock?
2396 Simple. Call them up shortly before your visit and tell them that you
2397 have gotten quite serious about somebody who is of a different religion, a
2398 different race and the same sex. Tell them you have already invited this
2399 person to meet them. Give the information a moment to sink in and then
2400 remark that you were only kidding, that your lover is merely of a different
2401 religion. They will be so relieved they will welcome her with open arms.
2402 -- Playboy, January, 1983
2404 It seems there's this magician working one of the luxury cruise ships
2405 for a few years. He doesn't have to change his routines much as the audiences
2406 change over fairly often, and he's got a good life. The only problem is the
2407 ship's parrot, who perches in the hall and watches him night after night, year
2408 after year. Finally, the parrot figures out how almost every trick works and
2409 starts giving it away for the audience. For example, when the magician makes
2410 a bouquet of flowers disappear, the parrot squawks "Behind his back! Behind
2411 his back!" Well, the magician is really annoyed at this, but there's not much
2412 he can do about it as the parrot is a ship's mascot and very popular with the
2414 One night, the ship strikes some floating debris, and sinks without
2415 a trace. Almost everyone aboard was lost, except for the magician and the
2416 parrot. For three days and nights they just drift, with the magician clinging
2417 to one end of a piece of driftwood and the parrot perched on the other end.
2418 As the sun rises on the morning of the fourth day, the parrot walks over to
2419 the magician's end of the log. With obvious disgust in his voice, he snaps
2420 "OK, you win, I give up. Where did you hide the ship?"
2422 It seems these two guys, George and Harry, set out in a Hot Air
2423 balloon to cross the United States. After forty hours in the air, George
2424 turned to Harry, and said, "Harry, I think we've drifted off course! We
2425 need to find out where we are."
2426 Harry cools the air in the balloon, and they descend to below the
2427 cloud cover. Slowly drifting over the countryside, George spots a man
2428 standing below them and yells out, "Excuse me! Can you please tell me
2430 The man on the ground yells back, "You're in a balloon, approximately
2431 fifty feet in the air!"
2432 George turns to Harry and says, "Well, that man *must* be a lawyer".
2433 Replies Harry, "How can you tell?".
2434 "Because the information he gave us is 100% accurate, and totally
2437 That's the end of The Joke, but for you people who are still worried about
2438 George and Harry: they end up in the drink, and make the front page of the
2439 New York Times: "Balloonists Soaked by Lawyer".
2441 It took 300 years to build and by the time it was 10% built,
2442 everyone knew it would be a total disaster. But by then the investment
2443 was so big they felt compelled to go on. Since its completion, it has
2444 cost a fortune to maintain and is still in danger of collapsing.
2445 There are at present no plans to replace it, since it was never
2446 really needed in the first place.
2447 I expect every installation has its own pet software which is
2448 analogous to the above.
2449 -- K.E. Iverson, on the Leaning Tower of Pisa
2451 It was the next morning that the armies of Twodor marched east
2452 laden with long lances, sharp swords, and death-dealing hangovers. The
2453 thousands were led by Arrowroot, who sat limply in his sidesaddle,
2454 nursing a whopper. Goodgulf, Gimlet, and the rest rode by him, praying
2455 for their fate to be quick, painless, and if possible, someone else's.
2456 Many an hour the armies forged ahead, the war-merinos bleating
2457 under their heavy burdens and the soldiers bleating under their melting
2459 -- "Bored of the Rings", The Harvard Lampoon
2461 Jacek, a Polish schoolboy, is told by his teacher that he has
2462 been chosen to carry the Polish flag in the May Day parade.
2463 "Why me?" whines the boy. "Three years ago I carried the flag
2464 when Brezhnev was the Secretary; then I carried the flag when it was
2465 Andropov's turn, and again when Chernenko was in the Kremlin. Why is
2466 it always me, teacher?"
2467 "Because, Jacek, you have such golden hands," the teacher
2470 -- being told in Poland, 1987
2472 Joan, the rather well-proportioned secretary, spent almost all of
2473 her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit
2474 the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her
2475 way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan. She'd hardly
2476 begun when she heard someone running up the stairs; she was lying on her
2477 stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.
2478 "Excuse me, miss," said the flustered little assistant manager of
2479 the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't
2480 mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your
2481 wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday."
2482 "What difference does it make," Joan asked rather calmly. "No one
2483 can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel."
2484 "Not exactly," said the embarrassed little man. "You're lying on
2485 the dining room skylight."
2487 Lassie looked brilliant, in part because the farm family she
2488 lived with was made up of idiots. Remember? One of them was always
2489 getting pinned under the tractor, and Lassie was always rushing back to
2490 the farmhouse to alert the other ones. She'd whimper and tug at their
2491 sleeves, and they'd always waste precious minutes saying things: "Do
2492 you think something's wrong? Do you think she wants us to follow her?
2493 What is it, girl?", etc., as if this had never happened before, instead
2494 of every week. What with all the time these people spent pinned under
2495 the tractor, I don't see how they managed to grow any crops whatsoever.
2496 They probably got by on federal crop supports, which Lassie filed the
2500 Leslie West heads for the sticks, to Providence, Rhode Island and
2501 tries to hide behind a beard. No good. There are still too many people
2502 and too many stares, always taunting, always smirking. He moves to the
2503 outskirts of town. He finds a place to live -- huge mansion, dirt cheap,
2504 caretaker included. He plugs in his guitar and plays as loud as he wants,
2505 day and night, and there's no one to laugh or boo or even look bored.
2506 Nobody's cut the grass in months. What's happened to that caretaker?
2507 What neighborhood people there are start to talk, and what kids there are
2508 start to get curious. A 13 year-old blond with an angelic face misses supper.
2509 Before the summer's end, four more teenagers have disappeared. The senior
2510 class president, Barnard-bound come autumn, tells Mom she's going out to a
2511 movie one night and stays out. The town's up in arms, but just before the
2512 police take action, the kids turn up. They've found a purpose. They go
2513 home for their stuff and tell the folks not to worry but they'll be going
2514 now. They're in a band.
2517 Listen, Tyrone, you don't know how dangerous that stuff is.
2518 Suppose someday you just plug in and go away and never come back? Eh?
2519 Ho, ho! Don't I wish! What do you think every electrofreak
2520 dreams about? You're such an old fuddyduddy! A-and who sez it's a
2521 dream, huh? M-maybe it exists. Maybe there is a Machine to take us
2522 away, take us completely, suck us out through the electrodes out of
2523 the skull 'n' into the Machine and live there forever with all the
2524 other souls it's got stored there. It could decide who it would suck
2525 out, a-and when. Dope never gave you immortality. You hadda come
2526 back, every time, into a dying hunk of smelly meat! But We can live
2527 forever, in a clean, honest, purified, Electroworld.
2528 -- Thomas Pynchon, "Gravity's Rainbow"
2530 Long ago, in a finite state far away, there lived a JOVIAL
2531 character named Jack. Jack and his relations were poor. Often their
2532 hash table was bare. One day Jack's parent said to him, "Our matrices
2533 are sparse. You must go to the market to exchange our RAM for some
2534 BASICs." She compiled a linked list of items to retrieve and passed it
2536 So Jack set out. But as he was walking along a Hamilton path,
2537 he met the traveling salesman.
2538 "Whither dost thy flow chart take thou?" prompted the salesman
2539 in high-level language.
2540 "I'm going to the market to exchange this RAM for some chips
2541 and Apples," commented Jack.
2542 "I have a much better algorithm. You needn't join a queue
2543 there; I will swap your RAM for these magic kernels now."
2544 Jack made the trade, then backtracked to his house. But when
2545 he told his busy-waiting parent of the deal, she became so angry she
2547 "Don't you even have any artificial intelligence? All these
2548 kernels together hardly make up one byte," and she popped them out the
2550 -- Mark Isaak, "Jack and the Beanstack"
2552 Looking for a cool one after a long, dusty ride, the drifter strode
2553 into the saloon. As he made his way through the crowd to the bar, a man
2554 galloped through town screaming, "Big Mike's comin'! Run fer yer lives!"
2555 Suddenly, the saloon doors burst open. An enormous man, standing over
2556 eight feet tall and weighing an easy 400 pounds, rode in on a bull, using a
2557 rattlesnake for a whip. Grabbing the drifter by the arm and throwing him over
2558 the bar, the giant thundered, "Gimme a drink!"
2559 The terrified man handed over a bottle of whiskey, which the man
2560 guzzled in one gulp and then smashed on the bar. He then stood aghast as
2561 the man stuffed the broken bottle in his mouth, munched broken glass and
2562 smacked his lips with relish.
2563 "Can I, ah, uh, get you another, sir?" the drifter stammered.
2564 "Naw, I gotta git outa here, boy," the man grunted. "Big Mike's
2567 Max told his friend that he'd just as soon not go hiking in the hills.
2568 Said he, "I'm an anti-climb Max."
2570 Most of what I really need to know about how to live, and what to do,
2571 and how to be, I learned in kindergarten. Wisdom was not at the top of the
2572 graduate school mountain but there in the sandbox at nursery school.
2573 These are the things I learned: Share everything. Play fair. Don't
2574 hit people. Put things back where you found them. Clean up your own mess.
2575 Don't take things that aren't yours. Say you're sorry when you hurt someone.
2576 Wash your hands before you eat. Flush. Warm cookies and cold milk are good
2577 for you. Live a balanced life. Learn some and think some and draw and paint
2578 and sing and dance and play and work some every day.
2579 Take a nap every afternoon. When you go out into the world, watch for
2580 traffic, hold hands, and stick together. Be aware of wonder. Remember the
2581 little seed in the plastic cup. The roots go down and the plant goes up and
2582 nobody really knows how or why, but we are all like that. Goldfish and
2583 hamsters and white mice and even the little seed in the plastic cup -- they all
2585 And then remember the book about Dick and Jane and the first word you
2586 learned, the biggest word of all: LOOK. Everything you need to know is in
2587 there somewhere. The Golden Rule and love and basic sanitation. Ecology and
2588 politics and sane living.
2589 Think of what a better world it would be if we all -- the whole world
2590 -- had cookies and milk about 3 o'clock every afternoon and then lay down with
2591 our blankets for a nap. Or if we had a basic policy in our nation and other
2592 nations to always put things back where we found them and cleaned up our own
2593 messes. And it is still true, no matter how old you are, when you go out into
2594 the world it is best to hold hands and stick together.
2595 -- Robert Fulghum, "All I ever really needed to know I learned
2598 Most of what I really need to know about how to live, and what to
2599 do, and how to be, I learned in kindergarten. Wisdom was not at the top
2600 of the graduate school mountain, but there in the sandbox at nursery school.
2601 These are the things I learned: Share everything. Play fair.
2602 Don't hit people. Put things back where you found them. Clean up your
2603 own mess. Don't take things that aren't yours. Say you're sorry when you
2604 hurt someone. Wash your hands before you eat. Flush. Warm cookies and
2605 cold milk are good for you. Live a balanced life. Learn some and think
2606 some and draw and paint and sing and dance and play and work every day
2608 Take a nap every afternoon. When you go out into the world, watch
2609 for traffic, hold hands, and stick together. Be aware of wonder. Remember
2610 the little seed in the plastic cup. The roots go down and the plant goes
2611 up and nobody really knows why, but we are all like that.
2613 Think of what a better world it would be if we all -- the whole
2614 world -- had cookies and milk about 3 o'clock every afternoon and then lay
2615 down with our blankets for a nap. Or if we had a basic policy in our nation
2616 and other nations to always put things back where we found them and cleaned
2617 up our own messes. And it is still true, no matter how old you are, when
2618 you go out into the world, it is best to hold hands and stick together.
2621 Mother seemed pleased by my draft notice. "Just think of all the
2622 people in England, they've chosen you, it's a great honour, son."
2623 Laughingly I felled her with a right cross.
2626 Moving along a dimly light street, a man I know was suddenly
2627 approached by a stranger who had slipped from the shadows nearby.
2628 "Please, sir," pleaded the stranger, "would you be so kind as
2629 to help a poor unfortunate fellow who is hungry and can't find work?
2630 All I have in the world is this gun."
2632 Mr. Jones related an incident from "some time back" when IBM Canada
2633 Ltd. of Markham, Ont., ordered some parts from a new supplier in Japan. The
2634 company noted in its order that acceptable quality allowed for 1.5 per cent
2635 defects (a fairly high standard in North America at the time).
2636 The Japanese sent the order, with a few parts packaged separately in
2637 plastic. The accompanying letter said: "We don't know why you want 1.5 per
2638 cent defective parts, but for your convenience, we've packed them separately."
2639 -- Excerpted from an article in The (Toronto) Globe and Mail
2641 Murray and Esther, a middle-aged Jewish couple, are touring Chile.
2642 Murray just got a new camera and is constantly snapping pictures. One day,
2643 without knowing it, he photographs a top-secret military installation. In
2644 an instant, armed troops surround Murray and Esther and hustle them off to
2646 They can't prove who they are because they've left their passports
2647 in their hotel room. For three weeks they're tortured day and night to get
2648 them to name their contacts in the liberation movement... Finally they're
2649 hauled in front of a military court, charged with espionage, and sentenced
2651 The next morning they're lined up in front of the wall where they'll
2652 be shot. The sergeant in charge of the firing squad asks them if they have
2653 any last requests. Esther wants to know if she can call her daughter in
2654 Chicago. The sergeant says he's sorry, that's not possible, and turns to
2656 "This is crazy!" Murray shouts. "We're not spies!" And he
2657 spits in the sergeants face.
2658 "Murray!" Esther cries. "Please! Don't make trouble."
2661 My friends, I am here to tell you of the wonderous continent known as
2662 Africa. Well we left New York drunk and early on the morning of February 31.
2663 We were 15 days on the water, and 3 on the boat when we finally arrived in
2664 Africa. Upon our arrival we immediately set up a rigorous schedule: Up at
2665 6:00, breakfast, and back in bed by 7:00. Pretty soon we were back in bed by
2666 6:30. Now Africa is full of big game. The first day I shot two bucks. That
2667 was the biggest game we had. Africa is primarily inhabited by Elks, Moose
2668 and Knights of Pithiests.
2669 The elks live up in the mountains and come down once a year for their
2670 annual conventions. And you should see them gathered around the water hole,
2671 which they leave immediately when they discover it's full of water. They
2672 weren't looking for a water hole. They were looking for an alck hole.
2673 One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas, how he got in my
2674 pajamas, I don't know. Then we tried to remove the tusks. That's a tough
2675 word to say, tusks. As I said we tried to remove the tusks, but they were
2676 imbedded so firmly we couldn't get them out. But in Alabama the Tusks are
2677 looser, but that is totally irrelephant to what I was saying.
2678 We took some pictures of the native girls, but they weren't developed.
2679 So we're going back in a few years...
2682 My message is not that biological determinists were bad scientists or
2683 even that they were always wrong. Rather, I believe that science must be
2684 understood as a social phenomenon, a gutsy, human enterprise, not the work of
2685 robots programmed to collect pure information. I also present this view as
2686 an upbeat for science, not as a gloomy epitaph for a noble hope sacrificed on
2687 the alter of human limitations.
2688 I believe that a factual reality exists and that science, though often
2689 in an obtuse and erratic manner, can learn about it. Galileo was not shown
2690 the instruments of torture in an abstract debate about lunar motion. He had
2691 threatened the Church's conventional argument for social and doctrinal
2692 stability: the static world order with planets circling about a central
2693 earth, priests subordinate to the Pope and serfs to their lord. But the
2694 Church soon made its peace with Galileo's cosmology. They had no choice; the
2695 earth really does revolve about the sun.
2696 -- S.J. Gould, "The Mismeasure of Man"
2698 "My mother," said the sweet young steno, "says there are some things
2699 a girl should not do before twenty."
2700 "Your mother is right," said the executive, "I don't like a large
2703 n = ((n >> 1) & 0x55555555) | ((n << 1) & 0xaaaaaaaa);
2704 n = ((n >> 2) & 0x33333333) | ((n << 2) & 0xcccccccc);
2705 n = ((n >> 4) & 0x0f0f0f0f) | ((n << 4) & 0xf0f0f0f0);
2706 n = ((n >> 8) & 0x00ff00ff) | ((n << 8) & 0xff00ff00);
2707 n = ((n >> 16) & 0x0000ffff) | ((n << 16) & 0xffff0000);
2709 -- Reverse the bits in a word.
2711 n = (n & 0x55555555) + ((n & 0xaaaaaaaa) >> 1);
2712 n = (n & 0x33333333) + ((n & 0xcccccccc) >> 2);
2713 n = (n & 0x0f0f0f0f) + ((n & 0xf0f0f0f0) >> 4);
2714 n = (n & 0x00ff00ff) + ((n & 0xff00ff00) >> 8);
2715 n = (n & 0x0000ffff) + ((n & 0xffff0000) >> 16);
2717 -- Count the bits in a word.
2719 Never ask your lover if he'd dive in front of an oncoming train for
2720 you. He doesn't know. Never ask your lover if she'd dive in front of an
2721 oncoming band of Hell's Angels for you. She doesn't know. Never ask how many
2722 cigarettes your lover has smoked today. Cancer is a personal commitment.
2723 Never ask to see pictures of your lover's former lovers -- especially
2724 the ones who dived in front of trains. If you look like one of them, you are
2725 repeating history's mistakes. If you don't, you'll wonder what he or she saw
2727 While we are on the subject of pictures: You may admire the picture
2728 of your lover cavorting naked in a tidal pool on Maui. Don't ask who took
2729 it. The answer is obvious. A Japanese tourist took the picture.
2730 Never ask if your lover has had therapy. Only people who have had
2731 therapy ask if people have had therapy.
2732 Don't ask about plaster casts of male sex organs marked JIMI, JIM, etc.
2733 Assume that she bought them at a flea market.
2734 -- James Peterson and Kate Nolan
2736 NEW YORK-- Kraft Foods, Inc. announced today that its board of
2737 directors unanimously rejected the $11 billion takeover bid by Philip
2738 Morris and Co. A Kraft spokesman stated in a press conference that the
2739 offer was rejected because the $90-per-share bid did not reflect the
2740 true value of the company.
2741 Wall Street insiders, however, tell quite a different story.
2742 Apparently, the Kraft board of directors had all but signed the takeover
2743 agreement when they learned of Philip Morris' marketing plans for one of
2744 their major Middle East subsidiaries. To a person, the board voted to
2745 reject the bid when they discovered that the tobacco giant intended to
2746 reorganize Israeli Cheddar, Ltd., and name the new company Cheeses of
2749 "No, I understand now," Auberon said, calm in the woods -- it was so
2750 simple, really. "I didn't, for a long time, but I do now. You just can't
2751 hold people, you can't own them. I mean it's only natural, a natural process
2752 really. Meet. Love. Part. Life goes on. There was never any reason to
2753 expect her to stay always the same -- I mean `in love,' you know." There were
2754 those doubt-quotes of Smoky's, heavily indicated. "I don't hold a grudge. I
2756 "You do," Grandfather Trout said. "And you don't understand."
2757 -- Little, Big, "John Crowley"
2759 Now she speaks rapidly. "Do you know *why* you want to program?"
2760 He shakes his head. He hasn't the faintest idea.
2761 "For the sheer *joy* of programming!" she cries triumphantly.
2762 "The joy of the parent, the artist, the craftsman. "You take a program,
2763 born weak and impotent as a dimly-realized solution. You nurture the
2764 program and guide it down the right path, building, watching it grow ever
2765 stronger. Sometimes you paint with tiny strokes, a keystroke added here,
2766 a keystroke changed there." She sweeps her arm in a wide arc. "And other
2767 times you savage whole *blocks* of code, ripping out the program's very
2768 *essence*, then beginning anew. But always building, creating, filling the
2769 program with your own personal stamp, your own quirks and nuances. Watching
2770 the program grow stronger, patching it when it crashes, until finally it can
2771 stand alone -- proud, powerful, and perfect. This is the programmer's finest
2772 hour!" Softly at first, then louder, he hears the strains of a Sousa march.
2773 "This ... this is your canvas! your clay! Go forth and create a masterwork!"
2775 Obviously the subject of death was in the air, but more as something
2776 to be avoided than harped upon.
2777 Possibly the horror that Zaphod experienced at the prospect of being
2778 reunited with his deceased relatives led on to the thought that they might
2779 just feel the same way about him and, what's more, be able to do something
2780 about helping to postpone this reunion.
2783 "Oh sure, this costume may look silly, but it lets me get in and out
2784 of dangerous situations -- I work for a federal task force doing a survey on
2785 urban crime. Look, here's my ID, and here's a number you can call, that will
2786 put you through to our central base in Atlanta. Go ahead, call -- they'll
2788 "Unless, of course, the Astro-Zombies have destroyed it."
2791 Old Barlow was a crossing-tender at a junction where an express train
2792 demolished an automobile and it's occupants. Being the chief witness, his
2793 testimony was vitally important. Barlow explained that the night was dark,
2794 and he waved his lantern frantically, but the driver of the car paid
2795 no attention to the signal.
2796 The railroad company won the case, and the president of the company
2797 complimented the old-timer for his story. "You did wonderfully," he said,
2798 "I was afraid you would waver under testimony."
2799 "No sir," exclaimed the senior, "but I sure was afraid that durned
2800 lawyer was gonna ask me if my lantern was lit."
2802 On his first day as a bus driver, Maxey Eckstein handed in
2803 receipts of $65. The next day his take was $67. The third day's
2804 income was $62. But on the fourth day, Eckstein emptied no less than
2805 $283 on the desk before the cashier.
2806 "Eckstein!" exclaimed the cashier. "This is fantastic. That
2807 route never brought in money like this! What happened?"
2808 "Well, after three days on that cockamamy route, I figured
2809 business would never improve, so I drove over to Fourteenth Street and
2810 worked there. I tell you, that street is a gold mine!"
2812 On the day of his anniversary, Joe was frantically shopping
2813 around for a present for his wife. He knew what she wanted, a
2814 grandfather clock for the living room, but he found the right one
2815 almost impossible to find. Finally, after many hours of searching, Joe
2816 found just the clock he wanted, but the store didn't deliver. Joe,
2817 desperate, paid the shopkeeper, hoisted the clock onto his back, and
2818 staggered out onto the sidewalk. On the way home, he passed a bar.
2819 Just as he reached the door, a drunk stumbled out and crashed into Joe,
2820 sending himself, Joe, and the clock into the gutter. Murphy's law
2821 being in effect, the clock ended up in roughly a thousand pieces.
2822 "You stupid drunk!" screamed Joe, jumping up from the
2823 wreckage. "Why don't you look where the hell you're going!"
2824 With quiet dignity the drunk stood up somewhat unsteadily and
2825 dusted himself off. "And why don't you just wear a wristwatch like a
2828 On the occasion of Nero's 25th birthday, he arrived at the Colosseum
2829 to find that the Praetorian Guard had prepared a treat for him in the arena.
2830 There stood 25 naked virgins, like candles on a cake, tied to poles, burning
2831 alive. "Wonderful!" exclaimed the deranged emperor, "but one of them isn't
2832 dead yet. I can see her lips moving. Go quickly and find out what she is
2834 The centurion saluted, and hurried out to the virgin, getting as near
2835 the flames as he dared, and listened intently. Then he turned and ran back
2836 to the imperial box. "She is not talking," he reported to Nero, "she is
2838 "Singing?" said the astounded emperor. "Singing what?"
2839 "Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you..."
2841 On the other hand, the TCP camp also has a phrase for OSI people.
2842 There are lots of phrases. My favorite is `nitwit' -- and the rationale
2843 is the Internet philosophy has always been you have extremely bright,
2844 non-partisan researchers look at a topic, do world-class research, do
2845 several competing implementations, have a bake-off, determine what works
2846 best, write it down and make that the standard.
2847 The OSI view is entirely opposite. You take written contributions
2848 from a much larger community, you put the contributions in a room of
2849 committee people with, quite honestly, vast political differences and all
2850 with their own political axes to grind, and four years later you get
2851 something out, usually without it ever having been implemented once.
2852 So the Internet perspective is implement it, make it work well,
2853 then write it down, whereas the OSI perspective is to agree on it, write
2854 it down, circulate it a lot and now we'll see if anyone can implement it
2855 after it's an international standard and every vendor in the world is
2856 committed to it. One of those processes is backwards, and I don't think
2857 it takes a Lucasian professor of physics at Oxford to figure out which.
2858 -- Marshall Rose, "The Pied Piper of OSI"
2860 On this morning in August when I was 13, my mother sent us out pick
2861 tomatoes. Back in April I'd have killed for a fresh tomato, but in August
2862 they are no more rare or wonderful than rocks. So I picked up one and threw
2863 it at a crab apple tree, where it made a good *splat*, and then threw a tomato
2864 at my brother. He whipped one back at me. We ducked down by the vines,
2865 heaving tomatoes at each other. My sister, who was a good person, said,
2866 "You're going to get it." She bent over and kept on picking.
2867 What a target! She was 17, a girl with big hips, and bending over,
2868 she looked like the side of a barn.
2869 I picked up a tomato so big it sat on the ground. It looked like it
2870 had sat there a week. The underside was brown, small white worms lived in it,
2871 and it was very juicy. I stood up and took aim, and went into the windup,
2872 when my mother at the kitchen window called my name in a sharp voice. I had
2873 to decide quickly. I decided.
2874 A rotten Big Boy hitting the target is a memorable sound, like a fat
2875 man doing a belly-flop. With a whoop and a yell the tomatoee came after
2876 faster than I knew she could run, and grabbed my shirt and was about to brain
2877 me when Mother called her name in a sharp voice. And my sister, who was a
2878 good person, obeyed and let go -- and burst into tears. I guess she knew that
2879 the pleasure of obedience is pretty thin compared with the pleasure of hearing
2880 a rotten tomato hit someone in the rear end.
2881 -- Garrison Keillor, "Lake Wobegon Days"
2883 Once again we find ourselves enmeshed in The Holiday Season, that very
2884 special time of year when we join with our loved ones in sharing centuries-old
2885 traditions such as trying to find a parking space at the mall. We
2886 traditionally do this in my family by driving around the parking lot until we
2887 see a shopper emerge from the mall. Then we follow her, in very much the same
2888 spirit as the Three Wise Men, who, 2,000 years ago, followed a star, week after
2889 week, until it led them to a parking space.
2890 We try to keep our bumper about 4 inches from the shopper's calves, to
2891 let the other circling cars know that she belongs to us. Sometimes, two cars
2892 will get into a fight over whom the shopper belongs to, similar to the way
2893 great white sharks will fight over who gets to eat a snorkeler. So, we follow
2894 our shopper closely, hunched over the steering wheel, whistling "It's Beginning
2895 to Look a Lot Like Christmas" through our teeth, until we arrive at her car,
2896 which is usually parked several time zones away from the mall. Sometimes our
2897 shopper tries to indicate she was merely planning to drop off some packages and
2898 go back to shopping. But, when she hears our engine rev in a festive fashion
2899 and sees the holiday gleam in our eyes, she realizes she would never make it.
2900 -- Dave Barry, "Holiday Joy -- Or, the Great Parking Lot
2903 Once there lived a village of creatures along the bottom of a great
2904 crystal river. Each creature in its own manner clung tightly to the twigs
2905 and rocks of the river bottom, for clinging was their way of life, and
2906 resisting the current what each had learned from birth. But one creature
2907 said at last, "I trust that the current knows where it is going. I shall
2908 let go, and let it take me where it will. Clinging, I shall die of boredom."
2909 The other creatures laughed and said, "Fool! Let go, and that current
2910 you worship will throw you tumbled and smashed across the rocks, and you will
2911 die quicker than boredom!"
2912 But the one heeded them not, and taking a breath did let go, and at
2913 once was tumbled and smashed by the current across the rocks. Yet, in time,
2914 as the creature refused to cling again, the current lifted him free from the
2915 bottom, and he was bruised and hurt no more.
2916 And the creatures downstream, to whom he was a stranger, cried, "See
2917 a miracle! A creature like ourselves, yet he flies! See the Messiah, come
2918 to save us all!" And the one carried in the current said, "I am no more
2919 Messiah than you. The river delight to lift us free, if only we dare let go.
2920 Our true work is this voyage, this adventure.
2921 But they cried the more, "Saviour!" all the while clinging to the
2922 rocks, making legends of a Saviour.
2925 Once there was a marine biologist who loved dolphins. He spent his
2926 time trying to feed and protect his beloved creatures of the sea. One day,
2927 in a fit of inventive genius, he came up with a serum that would make
2928 dolphins live forever!
2929 Of course he was ecstatic. But he soon realized that in order to mass
2930 produce this serum he would need large amounts of a certain compound that was
2931 only found in nature in the metabolism of a rare South American bird. Carried
2932 away by his love for dolphins, he resolved that he would go to the zoo and
2933 steal one of these birds.
2934 Unbeknownst to him, as he was arriving at the zoo an elderly lion was
2935 escaping from its cage. The zookeepers were alarmed and immediately began
2936 combing the zoo for the escaped animal, unaware that it had simply lain down
2937 on the sidewalk and had gone to sleep.
2938 Meanwhile, the marine biologist arrived at the zoo and procured his
2939 bird. He was so excited by the prospect of helping his dolphins that he
2940 stepped absentmindedly stepped over the sleeping lion on his way back to his
2941 car. Immediately, 1500 policemen converged on him and arrested him for
2942 transporting a myna across a staid lion for immortal porpoises.
2944 Once upon a time there was a beautiful young girl taking a stroll
2945 through the woods. All at once she saw an extremely ugly bull frog seated
2946 on a log and to her amazement the frog spoke to her. "Maiden," croaked the
2947 frog, "would you do me a favor? This will be hard for you to believe, but
2948 I was once a handsome, charming prince and then a mean, ugly old witch cast
2949 a spell over me and turned me into a frog."
2950 "Oh, what a pity!", exclaimed the girl. "I'll do anything I can to
2951 help you break such a spell."
2952 "Well," replied the frog, "the only way that this spell can be
2953 taken away is for some lovely young woman to take me home and let me spend
2954 the night under her pillow."
2955 The young girl took the ugly frog home and placed him beneath her
2956 pillow that night when she retired. When she awoke the next morning, sure
2957 enough, there beside her in bed was a very young, handsome man, clearly of
2958 royal blood. And so they lived happily ever after, except that to this day
2959 her father and mother still don't believe her story.
2961 Once upon a time, there was a fisherman who lived by a great river.
2962 One day, after a hard day's fishing, he hooked what seemed to him to be the
2963 biggest, strongest fish he had ever caught. He fought with it for hours,
2964 until, finally, he managed to bring it to the surface. Looking of the edge
2965 of the boat, he saw the head of this huge fish breaking the surface. Smiling
2966 with pride, he reached over the edge to pull the fish up. Unfortunately, he
2967 accidently caught his watch on the edge, and, before he knew it, there was a
2968 snap, and his watch tumbled into the water next to the fish with a loud
2969 "sploosh!" Distracted by this shiny object, the fish made a sudden lunge,
2970 simultaneously snapping the line, and swallowing the watch. Sadly, the
2971 fisherman stared into the water, and then began the slow trip back home.
2972 Many years later, the fisherman, now an old man, was working in a
2973 boring assembly-line job in a large city. He worked in a fish-processing
2974 plant. It was his job, as each fish passed under his hands, to chop off their
2975 heads, readying them for the next phase in processing. This monotonous task
2976 went on for years, the dull *thud* of the cleaver chopping of each head being
2977 his entire world, day after day, week after weary week. Well, one day, as he
2978 was chopping fish, he happened to notice that the fish coming towards him on
2979 the line looked very familiar. Yes, yes, it looked... could it be the fish
2980 he had lost on that day so many years ago? He trembled with anticipation as
2981 his cleaver came down. IT STRUCK SOMETHING HARD! IT WAS HIS THUMB!
2983 Once upon a time, there were five blind men who had the opportunity
2984 to experience an elephant for the first time. One approached the elephant,
2985 and, upon encountering one of its sturdy legs, stated, "Ah, an elephant is
2986 like a tree." The second, after exploring the trunk, said, "No, an elephant
2987 is like a strong hose." The third, grasping the tail, said "Fool! An elephant
2988 is like a rope!" The fourth, holding an ear, stated, "No, more like a fan."
2989 And the fifth, leaning against the animal's side, said, "An elephant is like
2990 a wall." The five then began to argue loudly about who had the more accurate
2991 perception of the elephant.
2992 The elephant, tiring of all this abuse, suddenly reared up and
2993 attacked the men. He continued to trample them until they were nothing but
2994 bloody lumps of flesh. Then, strolling away, the elephant remarked, "It just
2995 goes to show that you can't depend on first impressions. When I first saw
2996 them I didn't think they they'd be any fun at all."
2998 Once upon a time there were three brothers who were knights
2999 in a certain kingdom. And, there was a Princess in a neighboring kingdom
3000 who was of marriageable age. Well, one day, in full armour, their horses,
3001 and their page, the three brothers set off to see if one of them could
3002 win her hand. The road was long and there were many obstacles along the
3003 way, robbers to be overcome, hard terrain to cross. As they coped with
3004 each obstacle they became more and more disgusted with their page. He was
3005 not only inept, he was a coward, he could not handle the horses, he was,
3006 in short, a complete flop. When they arrived at the court of the kingdom,
3007 they found that they were expected to present the Princess with some
3008 treasure. The two older brothers were discouraged, since they had not
3009 thought of this and were unprepared. The youngest, however, had the
3010 answer: Promise her anything, but give her our page.
3012 Once, when the secrets of science were the jealously guarded property
3013 of a small priesthood, the common man had no hope of mastering their arcane
3014 complexities. Years of study in musty classrooms were prerequisite to
3015 obtaining even a dim, incoherent knowledge of science.
3016 Today all that has changed: a dim, incoherent knowledge of science is
3017 available to anyone.
3018 -- Tom Weller, "Science Made Stupid"
3020 One day a student came to Moon and said, "I understand how to make
3021 a better garbage collector. We must keep a reference count of the pointers
3023 Moon patiently told the student the following story -- "One day a
3024 student came to Moon and said, "I understand how to make a better garbage
3027 One day it was announced that the young monk Kyogen had reached
3028 an enlightened state. Much impressed by this news, several of his peers
3029 went to speak with him.
3030 "We have heard that you are enlightened. Is this true?" his fellow
3032 "It is", Kyogen answered.
3033 "Tell us", said a friend, "how do you feel?"
3034 "As miserable as ever", replied the enlightened Kyogen.
3036 One evening he spoke. Sitting at her feet, his face raised to her,
3037 he allowed his soul to be heard. "My darling, anything you wish, anything
3038 I am, anything I can ever be... That's what I want to offer you -- not the
3039 things I'll get for you, but the thing in me that will make me able to get
3040 them. That thing -- a man can't renounce it -- but I want to renounce it --
3041 so that it will be yours -- so that it will be in your service -- only for
3043 The girl smiled and asked: "Do you think I'm prettier than Maggie
3045 He got up. He said nothing and walked out of the house. He never
3046 saw that girl again. Gail Wynand, who prided himself on never needing a
3047 lesson twice, did not fall in love again in the years that followed.
3048 -- Ayn Rand, "The Fountainhead"
3050 One fine day, the bus driver went to the bus garage, started his bus,
3051 and drove off along the route. No problems for the first few stops -- a few
3052 people got on, a few got off, and things went generally well. At the next
3053 stop, however, a big hulk of a guy got on. Six feet eight, built like a
3054 wrestler, arms hanging down to the ground. He glared at the driver and said,
3055 "Big John doesn't pay!" and sat down at the back.
3056 Did I mention that the driver was five feet three, thin, and basically
3057 meek? Well, he was. Naturally, he didn't argue with Big John, but he wasn't
3058 happy about it. Well, the next day the same thing happened -- Big John got on
3059 again, made a show of refusing to pay, and sat down. And the next day, and the
3060 one after that, and so forth. This grated on the bus driver, who started
3061 losing sleep over the way Big John was taking advantage of him. Finally he
3062 could stand it no longer. He signed up for bodybuilding courses, karate, judo,
3063 and all that good stuff. By the end of the summer, he had become quite strong;
3064 what's more, he felt really good about himself.
3065 So on the next Monday, when Big John once again got on the bus
3066 and said "Big John doesn't pay!," the driver stood up, glared back at the
3067 passenger, and screamed, "And why not?"
3068 With a surprised look on his face, Big John replied, "Big John has a
3071 One night the captain of a tanker saw a light dead ahead. He
3072 directed his signalman to flash a signal to the light which went...
3073 "Change course 10 degrees South."
3074 The reply was quickly flashed back...
3075 "You change course 10 degrees North."
3076 The captain was a little annoyed at this reply and sent a further
3078 "I am a captain. Change course 10 degrees South."
3079 Back came the reply...
3080 "I am an able-seaman. Change course 10 degrees North."
3081 The captain was outraged at this reply and send a message....
3082 "I am a 240,000 tonne tanker. CHANGE course 10 degrees South!"
3083 Back came the reply...
3084 "I am a LIGHTHOUSE. Change course 10 degrees North!!!!"
3085 -- Cruising Helmsman, "On The Right Course"
3087 One of the questions that comes up all the time is: How enthusiastic
3088 is our support for UNIX?
3089 Unix was written on our machines and for our machines many years ago.
3090 Today, much of UNIX being done is done on our machines. Ten percent of our
3091 VAXs are going for UNIX use. UNIX is a simple language, easy to understand,
3092 easy to get started with. It's great for students, great for somewhat casual
3093 users, and it's great for interchanging programs between different machines.
3094 And so, because of its popularity in these markets, we support it. We have
3095 good UNIX on VAX and good UNIX on PDP-11s.
3096 It is our belief, however, that serious professional users will run
3097 out of things they can do with UNIX. They'll want a real system and will end
3098 up doing VMS when they get to be serious about programming.
3099 With UNIX, if you're looking for something, you can easily and quickly
3100 check that small manual and find out that it's not there. With VMS, no matter
3101 what you look for -- it's literally a five-foot shelf of documentation -- if
3102 you look long enough it's there. That's the difference -- the beauty of UNIX
3103 is it's simple; and the beauty of VMS is that it's all there.
3104 -- Ken Olsen, president of DEC, DECWORLD Vol. 8 No. 5, 1984
3105 [It's been argued that the beauty of UNIX is the same as the beauty of Ken
3109 ...a report citing a study by Dr. Thomas C. Chalmers, of the Mount Sinai
3110 Medical Center in New York, which compared two groups that were being used
3111 to test the theory that ascorbic acid is a cold preventative. "The group
3112 on placebo who thought they were on ascorbic acid," says Dr. Chalmers,
3113 "had fewer colds than the group on ascorbic acid who thought they were
3116 The placebo is proof that there is no real separation between mind and body.
3117 Illness is always an interaction between both. It can begin in the mind and
3118 affect the body, or it can begin in the body and affect the mind, both of
3119 which are served by the same bloodstream. Attempts to treat most mental
3120 diseases as though they were completely free of physical causes and attempts
3121 to treat most bodily diseases as though the mind were in no way involved must
3122 be considered archaic in the light of new evidence about the way the human
3125 "Anatomy of an Illness as Perceived by the Patient"
3127 Penn's aunts made great apple pies at low prices. No one else in
3128 town could compete with the pie rates of Penn's aunts.
3129 During the American Revolution, a Britisher tried to raid a farm. He
3130 stumbled across a rock on the ground and fell, whereupon an aggressive Rhode
3131 Island Red hopped on top. Seeing this, the farmer commented, "Chicken catch
3133 A wife started serving chopped meat, Monday hamburger, Tuesday meat
3134 loaf, Wednesday tartar steak, and Thursday meatballs. On Friday morning her
3135 husband snarled, "How now, ground cow?"
3136 A journalist, thrilled over his dinner, asked the chef for the recipe.
3137 Retorted the chef, "Sorry, we have the same policy as you journalists, we
3138 never reveal our sauce."
3139 A new chef from India was fired a week after starting the job. He
3140 kept favoring curry.
3141 A couple of kids tried using pickles instead of paddles for a Ping-Pong
3142 game. They had the volley of the Dills.
3144 People of all sorts of genders are reporting great difficulty,
3145 these days, in selecting the proper words to refer to those of the female
3147 "Lady," "woman," and "girl" are all perfectly good words, but
3148 misapplying them can earn one anything from the charge of vulgarity to a good
3149 swift smack. We are messing here with matters of deference, condescension,
3150 respect, bigotry, and two vague concepts, age and rank. It is troubling
3151 enough to get straight who is really what. Those who deliberately misuse
3152 the terms in a misbegotten attempt at flattery are asking for it.
3153 A woman is any grown-up female person. A girl is the un-grown-up
3154 version. If you call a wee thing with chubby cheeks and pink hair ribbons a
3155 "woman," you will probably not get into trouble, and if you do, you will be
3156 able to handle it because she will be under three feet tall. However, if you
3157 call a grown-up by a child's name for the sake of implying that she has a
3158 youthful body, you are also implying that she has a brain to match.
3160 "Perhaps he is not honest," Mr. Frostee said inside Cobb's head,
3161 sounding a bit worried.
3162 "Of course he isn't," Cobb answered. "What we have to look out for
3163 is him calling the cops anyway, or trying to blackmail us for more money."
3164 "I think you should kill him and eat his brain," Mr. Frostee
3166 "That's not the answer to *every* problem in interpersonal relations,"
3167 Cobb said, hopping out.
3168 -- Rudy Rucker, "Software"
3170 Phases of a Project:
3174 (4) Search for the Guilty.
3175 (5) Punishment for the Innocent.
3176 (6) Distinction for the Uninvolved.
3178 Price Wang's programmer was coding software. His fingers danced upon
3179 the keyboard. The program compiled without an error message, and the program
3180 ran like a gentle wind.
3181 Excellent!" the Price exclaimed, "Your technique is faultless!"
3182 "Technique?" said the programmer, turning from his terminal, "What I
3183 follow is the Tao -- beyond all technique. When I first began to program I
3184 would see before me the whole program in one mass. After three years I no
3185 longer saw this mass. Instead, I used subroutines. But now I see nothing.
3186 My whole being exists in a formless void. My senses are idle. My spirit,
3187 free to work without a plan, follows its own instinct. In short, my program
3188 writes itself. True, sometimes there are difficult problems. I see them
3189 coming, I slow down, I watch silently. Then I change a single line of code
3190 and the difficulties vanish like puffs of idle smoke. I then compile the
3191 program. I sit still and let the joy of the work fill my being. I close my
3192 eyes for a moment and then log off."
3193 Price Wang said, "Would that all of my programmers were as wise!"
3194 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
3196 "Reintegration complete," ZORAC advised. "We're back in the
3197 universe again..." An unusually long pause followed, "...but I don't
3198 know which part. We seem to have changed our position in space." A
3199 spherical display in the middle of the floor illuminated to show the
3200 starfield surrounding the ship.
3201 "Several large, artificial constructions are approaching us,"
3202 ZORAC announced after a short pause. "The designs are not familiar, but
3203 they are obviously the products of intelligence. Implications: we have
3204 been intercepted deliberately by a means unknown, for a purpose unknown,
3205 and transferred to a place unknown by a form of intelligence unknown.
3206 Apart from the unknowns, everything is obvious."
3207 -- James P. Hogan, "Giants Star"
3209 Reporters like Bill Greider from the Washington Post and Him
3210 Naughton of the New York Times, for instance, had to file long, detailed,
3211 and relatively complex stories every day -- while my own deadline fell
3212 every two weeks -- but neither of them ever seemed in a hurry about
3213 getting their work done, and from time to time they would try to console
3214 me about the terrible pressure I always seemed to be laboring under.
3215 Any $100-an-hour psychiatrist could probably explain this problem
3216 to me, in thirteen or fourteen sessions, but I don't have time for that.
3217 No doubt it has something to do with a deep-seated personality defect, or
3218 maybe a kink in whatever blood vessel leads into the pineal gland... On
3219 the other hand, it might be something as simple & basically perverse as
3220 whatever instinct it is that causes a jackrabbit to wait until the last
3221 possible second to dart across the road in front of a speeding car.
3222 -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing: On the Campaign Trail"
3224 "Richard, in being so fierce toward my vampire, you were doing
3225 what you wanted to do, even though you thought it was going to hurt
3226 somebody else. He even told you he'd be hurt if..."
3227 "He was going to suck my blood!"
3228 "Which is what we do to anyone when we tell them we'll be hurt
3229 if they don't live our way."
3231 "The thing that puzzles you," he said, "is an accepted saying that
3232 happens to be impossible. The phrase is hurt somebody else. We choose,
3233 ourselves, to be hurt or not to be hurt, no matter what. Us who decides.
3234 Nobody else. My vampire told you he'd be hurt if you didn't let him? That's
3235 his decision to be hurt, that's his choice. What you do about it is your
3236 decision, your choice: give him blood; ignore him; tie him up; drive a stake
3237 through his heart. If he doesn't want the holly stake, he's free to resist,
3238 in whatever way he wants. It goes on and on, choices, choices."
3239 "When you look at it that way..."
3240 "Listen," he said, "it's important. We are all. Free. To do.
3241 Whatever. We want. To do."
3242 -- Richard Bach, "Illusions"
3244 Risch's decision procedure for integration, not surprisingly,
3245 uses a recursion on the number and type of the extensions from the
3246 rational functions needed to represent the integrand. Although the
3247 algorithm follows and critically depends upon the appropriate structure
3248 of the input, as in the case of multivariate factorization, we cannot
3249 claim that the algorithm is a natural one. In fact, the creator of
3250 differential algebra, Ritt, committed suicide in the early 1950's,
3251 largely, it is claimed, because few paid attention to his work. Probably
3252 he would have received more attention had he obtained the algorithm as
3254 -- Joel Moses, "Algorithms and Complexity", ed. J.F. Traub
3256 Robert Kennedy's 1964 Senatorial campaign planners told him that
3257 their intention was to present him to the television viewers as a sincere,
3258 generous person. "You going to use a double?" asked Kennedy.
3260 Thumbing through a promotional pamphlet prepared for his 1964
3261 Senatorial campaign, Robert Kennedy came across a photograph of himself
3262 shaking hands with a well-known labor leader.
3263 "There must be a better photo that this," said Kennedy to the
3264 advertising men in charge of his campaign.
3265 "What's wrong with this one?" asked one adman.
3266 "That fellow's in jail," said Kennedy.
3267 -- Bill Adler, "The Washington Wits"
3275 Sam went to his psychiatrist complaining of a hatred for elephants.
3276 "I can't stand elephants," he explained. "I lie awake nights despising
3277 them. The thought of an elephant fills me with loathing."
3278 "Sam," said the psychiatrist, "there's only one thing for you to do.
3279 Go to Africa, organize a safari, find an elephant in the jungle and shoot it.
3280 That way you'll get it out of your system."
3281 Sam immediately made arrangements for a safari hunt in Africa,
3282 inviting his best friend to join him. They arrived in Nairobi and lost no
3283 time getting out on the jungle trails. After they had been hunting for
3284 several days, Sam's best friend grabbed him by the arm one morning and
3286 "Sam, Sam, Sam! Over there behind that tree there's and elephant!
3287 Sam -- Get your gun -- no, no, not THAT gun -- the rifle with the longer
3288 barrel! Now aim it! QUICK! SAM! QUICK! No! Not that way -- this way!
3289 Be sure you don't jerk the trigger! Wait SAM! Don't let him see you! Aim
3291 Sam whirled around, took aim, and killed his friend. He was put in
3292 prison and his psychiatrist flew to Africa to visit him. "I sent you over
3293 here to kill and elephant and instead you shoot your best friend," the
3294 psychiatrist said. "Why?"
3295 "Well," Sam replied, "there's only one thing in the world that I
3296 hate more than elephants and that is a loudmouth know-it-all!"
3298 Seems George was playing his usual eighteen holes on Saturday
3299 afternoon. Teeing off from the 17th, he sliced into the rough over near
3300 the edge of the fairway. Just as he was about to chip out, he noticed a
3301 long funeral procession going past on a nearby street. Reverently, George
3302 removed his hat and stood at attention until the procession had passed.
3303 Then he continued his game, finishing with a birdie on the eighteenth.
3304 Later, at the clubhouse, a fellow golfer greet George. "Say, that was a
3305 nice gesture you made today, George.
3306 "What do you mean?" asked George.
3307 "Well, it was nice of you to take off your cap and stand
3308 respectfully when that funeral went by," the friend replied.
3309 "Oh, yes," said George. "Well, we were married 17 years, you
3312 "Seven years and six months!" Humpty Dumpty repeated thoughtfully.
3313 "An uncomfortable sort of age. Now if you'd asked MY advice, I'd have
3314 said 'Leave off at seven' -- but it's too late now."
3315 "I never ask advice about growing," Alice said indignantly.
3316 "Too proud?" the other enquired.
3317 Alice felt even more indignant at this suggestion. "I mean,"
3318 she said, "that one can't help growing older."
3319 "ONE can't, perhaps," said Humpty Dumpty; "but TWO can. With
3320 proper assistance, you might have left off at seven."
3321 -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking-Glass"
3323 Several students were asked to prove that all odd integers are prime.
3324 The first student to try to do this was a math student. "Hmmm...
3325 Well, 1 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, and by induction, we have that all
3326 the odd integers are prime."
3327 The second student to try was a man of physics who commented, "I'm not
3328 sure of the validity of your proof, but I think I'll try to prove it by
3329 experiment." He continues, "Well, 1 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is
3330 prime, 9 is... uh, 9 is... uh, 9 is an experimental error, 11 is prime, 13
3331 is prime... Well, it seems that you're right."
3332 The third student to try it was the engineering student, who responded,
3333 "Well, to be honest, actually, I'm not sure of your answer either. Let's
3334 see... 1 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is... uh, 9 is...
3335 well, if you approximate, 9 is prime, 11 is prime, 13 is prime... Well, it
3337 Not to be outdone, the computer science student comes along and says
3338 "Well, you two sort've got the right idea, but you'll end up taking too long!
3339 I've just whipped up a program to REALLY go and prove it." He goes over to
3340 his terminal and runs his program. Reading the output on the screen he says,
3341 "1 is prime, 1 is prime, 1 is prime, 1 is prime..."
3343 "Sheriff, we gotta catch Black Bart."
3344 "Oh, yeah? What's he look like?"
3345 "Well, he's wearin' a paper hat, a paper shirt, paper pants and
3347 "What's he wanted for?"
3350 Sixtus V, Pope from 1585 to 1590 authorized a printing of the
3351 Vulgate Bible. Taking no chances, the pope issued a papal bull
3352 automatically excommunicating any printer who might make an alteration
3353 in the text. This he ordered printed at the beginning of the Bible.
3354 He personally examined every sheet as it came off the press. Yet the
3355 published Vulgate Bible contained so many errors that corrected scraps
3356 had to be printed and pasted over them in every copy. The result
3357 provoked wry comments on the rather patchy papal infallibility, and
3358 Pope Sixtus had no recourse but to order the return and destruction of
3361 So Richard and I decided to try to catch [the small shark]. With
3362 a great deal of strategy and effort and shouting, we managed to maneuver
3363 the shark, over the course of about a half-hour, to a sort of corner of the
3364 lagoon, so that it had no way to escape other than to flop up onto the land
3365 and evolve. Richard and I were inching toward it, sort of crouched over,
3366 when all of a sudden it turned around and -- I can still remember the
3367 sensation I felt at that moment, primarily in the armpit area -- headed
3368 right straight toward us.
3369 Many people would have panicked at this point. But Richard and I
3370 were not "many people." We were experienced waders, and we kept our heads.
3371 We did exactly what the textbook says you should do when you're unarmed and
3372 a shark that is nearly two feet long turns on you in water up to your lower
3373 calves: We sprinted I would say 600 yards in the opposite direction, using
3374 a sprinting style such that the bottoms of our feet never once went below
3375 the surface of the water. We ran all the way to the far shore, and if we
3376 had been in a Warner Brothers cartoon we would have run right INTO the beach,
3377 and you would have seen these two mounds of sand racing across the island
3378 until they bonked into trees and coconuts fell onto their heads.
3379 -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV"
3381 So Richard and I decided to try to catch [the small shark].
3382 With a great deal of strategy and effort and shouting, we managed to
3383 maneuver the shark, over the course of about a half-hour, to a sort of
3384 corner of the lagoon, so that it had no way to escape other than to
3385 flop up onto the land and evolve. Richard and I were inching toward
3386 it, sort of crouched over, when all of a sudden it turned around and --
3387 I can still remember the sensation I felt at that moment, primarily in
3388 the armpit area -- headed right straight toward us.
3389 Many people would have panicked at this point. But Richard and
3390 I were not "many people." We were experienced waders, and we kept our
3391 heads. We did exactly what the textbook says you should do when you're
3392 unarmed and a shark that is nearly two feet long turns on you in water
3393 up to your lower calves: We sprinted I would say 600 yards in the
3394 opposite direction, using a sprinting style such that the bottoms of
3395 our feet never once went below the surface of the water. We ran all
3396 the way to the far shore, and if we had been in a Warner Brothers
3397 cartoon we would have run right INTO the beach, and you would have seen
3398 these two mounds of sand racing across the island until they bonked
3399 into trees and coconuts fell onto their heads.
3400 -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV"
3402 Some 1500 miles west of the Big Apple we find the Minneapple, a
3403 haven of tranquility in troubled times. It's a good town, a civilized town.
3404 A town where they still know how to get your shirts back by Thursday. Let
3405 the Big Apple have the feats of "Broadway Joe" Namath. We have known the
3406 stolid but steady Killebrew. Listening to Cole Porter over a dry martini
3407 may well suit those unlucky enough never to have heard the Whoopee John Polka
3408 Band and never to have shared a pitcher of 3.2 Grain Belt Beer. The loss is
3409 theirs. And the Big Apple has yet to bake the bagel that can match peanut
3410 butter on lefse. Here is a town where the major urban problem is dutch elm
3411 disease and the number one crime is overtime parking. We boast more theater
3412 per capita than the Big Apple. We go to see, not to be seen. We go even
3413 when we must shovel ten inches of snow from the driveway to get there. Indeed
3414 the winters are fierce. But then comes the marvel of the Minneapple summer.
3415 People flock to the city's lakes to frolic and rejoice at the sight of so
3416 much happy humanity free from the bonds of the traditional down-filled parka.
3417 Here's to the Minneapple. And to its people. Our flair for style is balanced
3418 by a healthy respect for wind chill factors.
3419 And we always, always eat our vegetables.
3420 This is the Minneapple.
3422 Something mysterious is formed, born in the silent void. Waiting
3423 alone and unmoving, it is at once still and yet in constant motion. It is
3424 the source of all programs. I do not know its name, so I will call it the
3426 If the Tao is great, then the operating system is great. If the
3427 operating system is great, then the compiler is great. If the compiler is
3428 greater, then the applications is great. The user is pleased and there is
3429 harmony in the world.
3430 The Tao of Programming flows far away and returns on the wind of
3432 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
3434 Somewhat alarmed at the continued growth of the number of employees
3435 on the Department of Agriculture payroll in 1962, Michigan Republican Robert
3436 Griffin proposed an amendment to the farm bill so that "the total number of
3437 employees in the Department of Agriculture at no time exceeds the number of
3438 farmers in America."
3439 -- Bill Adler, "The Washington Wits"
3441 "Somewhere", said Father Vittorini, "did Blake not speak of the
3442 Machineries of Joy? That is, did not God promote environments, then
3443 intimidate these Natures by provoking the existence of flesh, toy men and
3444 women, such as are we all? And thus happily sent forth, at our best, with
3445 good grace and fine wit, on calm noons, in fair climes, are we not God's
3446 Machineries of Joy?"
3447 "If Blake said that", said Father Brian, "he never lived in Dublin."
3448 -- R. Bradbury, "The Machineries of Joy"
3450 Split 1/4 bottle .187 liters
3452 Bottle 750 milliliters
3453 Magnum 2 bottles 1.5 liters
3455 Rehoboam 6 bottles Not available in the US
3456 Methuselah 8 bottles
3457 Salmanazar 12 bottles
3458 Balthazar 16 bottles
3459 Nebuchadnezzar 20 bottles 15 liters
3460 Sovereign 34 bottles 26 liters
3462 The Sovereign is a new bottle, made for the launching of the
3463 largest cruise ship in the world. The bottle alone cost 8,000 dollars
3464 to produce and they only made 8 of them.
3465 Most of the funny names come from Biblical people.
3467 Stop! Whoever crosseth the bridge of Death, must answer first
3468 these questions three, ere the other side he see!
3470 "What is your name?"
3471 "Sir Brian of Bell."
3472 "What is your quest?"
3473 "I seek the Holy Grail."
3474 "What are four lowercase letters that are not legal flag arguments
3475 to the Berkeley UNIX version of `ls'?"
3476 "I, er.... AIIIEEEEEE!"
3478 Strange memories on this nervous night in Las Vegas. Five years later?
3479 Six? It seems like a lifetime, or at least a Main Era -- the kind of peak that
3480 never comes again. San Francisco in the middle sixties was a very special time
3481 and place to be a part of. Maybe it meant something. Maybe not, in the long
3482 run... There was madness in any direction, at any hour. If not across the
3483 Bay, then up the Golden Gate or down 101 to Los Altos or La Honda... You could
3484 strike sparks anywhere. There was a fantastic universal sense that whatever we
3485 were doing was right, that we were winning...
3486 And that, I think, was the handle -- that sense of inevitable victory
3487 over the forces of Old and Evil. Not in any mean or military sense; we didn't
3488 need that. Our energy would simply prevail. There was no point in fighting
3489 -- on our side or theirs. We had all the momentum; we were riding the crest
3490 of a high and beautiful wave. So now, less than five years later, you can go
3491 up on a steep hill in Las Vegas and look West, and with the right kind of eyes
3492 you can almost see the high-water mark -- that place where the wave finally
3493 broke and rolled back.
3494 -- Hunter S. Thompson
3496 Take the folks at Coca-Cola. For many years, they were content
3497 to sit back and make the same old carbonated beverage. It was a good
3498 beverage, no question about it; generations of people had grown up
3499 drinking it and doing the experiment in sixth grade where you put a
3500 nail into a glass of Coke and after a couple of days the nail dissolves
3501 and the teacher says: "Imagine what it does to your TEETH!" So Coca-Cola
3502 was solidly entrenched in the market, and the management saw no need to
3504 -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence"
3506 "That wife of mine is a liar," said the angry husband to a
3507 sympathetic pal seated next to him in a bar.
3508 "How do you know?" the friend asked.
3509 "She didn't come home last night, and when I asked her where
3510 she'd been she said she'd spent the night with her sister Shirley."
3512 "So, she's a liar. I spent the night with her sister Shirley."
3514 "That's right; the upper-case shift works fine on the screen, but
3515 they're not coming out on the damn printer... Hold? Sure, I'll hold."
3516 -- e.e. cummings last service call
3518 "The best thing for being sad," replied Merlin, beginning to puff
3519 and blow, "is to learn something. That's the only thing that never fails.
3520 You may grow old and trembling in your anatomies, you may lie awake at
3521 night listening to the disorder of your veins, you may miss your only love,
3522 you may see the world about you devastated by evil lunatics, or know your
3523 honour trampled in the sewers of baser minds. There is only one thing for
3524 it then -- to learn. Learn why the world wags and what wags it. That is
3525 the only thing which the mind can never exhaust, never alienate, never be
3526 tortured by, never fear or distrust, and never dream of regretting. Learning
3527 is the only thing for you. Look what a lot of things there are to learn."
3528 -- T.H. White, "The Once and Future King"
3530 The big problem with pornography is defining it. You can't just
3531 say it's pictures of people naked. For example, you have these primitive
3532 African tribes that exist by chasing the wildebeest on foot, and they have
3533 to go around largely naked, because, as the old tribal saying goes: "N'wam
3534 k'honi soit qui mali," which means, "If you think you can catch a wildebeest
3535 in this climate and wear clothes at the same time, then I have some beach
3536 front property in the desert region of Northern Mali that you may be
3538 So it's not considered pornographic when National Geographic publishes
3539 color photographs of these people hunting the wildebeest naked, or pounding
3540 one rock onto another rock for some primitive reason naked, or whatever.
3541 But if National Geographic were to publish an article entitled "The Girls
3542 of the California Junior College System Hunt the Wildebeest Naked," some
3543 people would call it pornography. But others would not. And still others,
3544 such as the Spectacularly Rev. Jerry Falwell, would get upset about seeing
3545 the wildebeest naked.
3546 -- Dave Barry, "Pornography"
3548 The big problem with pornography is defining it. You can't just
3549 say it's pictures of people naked. For example, you have these
3550 primitive African tribes that exist by chasing the wildebeest on foot,
3551 and they have to go around largely naked, because, as the old tribal
3552 saying goes: "N'wam k'honi soit qui mali," which means, "If you think
3553 you can catch a wildebeest in this climate and wear clothes at the same
3554 time, then I have some beach front property in the desert region of
3555 Northern Mali that you may be interested in."
3556 So it's not considered pornographic when National Geographic
3557 publishes color photographs of these people hunting the wildebeest
3558 naked, or pounding one rock onto another rock for some primitive reason
3559 naked, or whatever. But if National Geographic were to publish an
3560 article entitled "The Girls of the California Junior College System
3561 Hunt the Wildebeest Naked," some people would call it pornography. But
3562 others would not. And still others, such as the Spectacularly Rev.
3563 Jerry Falwell, would get upset about seeing the wildebeest naked.
3564 -- Dave Barry, "Pornography"
3566 The birds are singing, the flowers are budding, and it is time
3567 for Miss Manners to tell young lovers to stop necking in public.
3568 It's not that Miss Manners is immune to romance. Miss Manners
3569 has been known to squeeze a gentleman's arm while being helped over a
3570 curb, and, in her wild youth, even to press a dainty slipper against a
3571 foot or two under the dinner table. Miss Manners also believes that the
3572 sight of people strolling hand in hand or arm in arm or arm in hand
3573 dresses up a city considerably more than the more familiar sight of
3574 people shaking umbrellas at one another. What Miss Manners objects to
3575 is the kind of activity that frightens the horses on the street...
3577 The boss returned from lunch in a good mood and called the whole staff
3578 in to listen to a couple of jokes he had picked up. Everybody but one girl
3579 laughed uproariously. "What's the matter?" grumbled the boss. "Haven't you
3580 got a sense of humor?"
3581 "I don't have to laugh," she said. "I'm leaving Friday anyway.
3583 The defense attorney was hammering away at the plaintiff:
3584 "You claim," he jeered, "that my client came at you with a broken bottle
3585 in his hand. But is it not true, that you had something in YOUR hand?"
3586 "Yes," the man admitted, "his wife. Very charming, of course,
3587 but not much good in a fight."
3589 The devout Jew was beside himself because his son had been dating
3590 a shiksa, so he went to visit his rabbi. The rabbi listened solemnly to
3591 his problem, took his hand, and said, "Pray to God."
3592 So the Jew went to the synagogue, bowed his head, and prayed, "God,
3593 please help me. My son, my favorite son, he's going to marry a shiksa, he
3594 sees nothing but goyim..."
3595 "Your son," boomed down this voice from the heavens, "you think
3596 you got problems. What about my son?"
3598 The doctor had just finished giving the young man a thorough
3599 physical examination. "The best thing for you to do," the M.D. said,
3600 "is give up drinking, give up smoking, get to bed early and stay away
3602 "Doc, I don't deserve the best," pleaded his patient. "What's
3605 The FIELD GUIDE to NORTH AMERICAN MALES
3607 SPECIES: Cranial Males
3608 SUBSPECIES: The Hacker (homo computatis)
3610 Due to extreme deprivation, HOMO COMPUTATIS maintains a near perpetual
3611 state of sexual readiness. Courtship behavior alternates between
3612 awkward shyness and abrupt advances. When he finally mates, he
3613 chooses a female engineer with an unblinking stare, a tight mouth, and
3614 a complete collection of Campbell's soup-can recipes.
3616 Trash cans full of pale green and white perforated paper and old
3617 copies of the Allen-Bradley catalog.
3619 Extremely fond of bad puns and jokes that need long explanations.
3621 The FIELD GUIDE to NORTH AMERICAN MALES
3623 SPECIES: Cranial Males
3624 SUBSPECIES: The Hacker (homo computatis)
3626 Gangly and frail, the hacker has a high forehead and thinning hair.
3627 Head disproportionately large and crooked forward, complexion wan and
3628 sightly gray from CRT illumination. He has heavy black-rimmed glasses
3629 and a look of intense concentration, which may be due to a software
3630 problem or to a pork-and-bean breakfast.
3632 HOMO COMPUTATIS saw a Brylcreem ad fifteen years ago and believed it.
3633 Consequently, crest is greased down, except for the cowlick.
3635 A rather plaintive "Is it up?"
3637 The FIELD GUIDE to NORTH AMERICAN MALES
3639 SPECIES: Cranial Males
3640 SUBSPECIES: The Hacker (homo computatis)
3642 All clothes have a slightly crumpled look as though they came off the
3643 top of the laundry basket. Style varies with status. Hacker managers
3644 wear gray polyester slacks, pink or pastel shirts with wide collars,
3645 and paisley ties; staff wears cinched-up baggy corduroy pants, white
3646 or blue shirts with button-down collars, and penholder in pocket.
3647 Both managers and staff wear running shoes to work, and a black
3648 plastic digital watch with calculator.
3650 The foreman of a lumber camp put a new workman on the circular saw.
3651 As he turned away, he heard the man say, "Ouch!".
3653 "Dunno," replied the man. "I just stuck out my hand like this, and
3654 -- well, I'll be damned. There goes another one!"
3656 The General disliked trying to explain the highly technical
3657 innerworkings of the U.S. Air Force.
3658 "$7,662 for a ten cup coffee maker, General?" the Senator asked.
3659 In his head he ran through his standard explanations. "It's not so,"
3660 he thought. "It's a deterrent." Soon he came up with, "It's computerized,
3661 Senator. Tiny computer chips make coffee that's smooth and full-bodied. Try
3663 The Senator did. "Pfffttt! Tastes like jet fuel!"
3664 "It's not so," the General thought. "It's a deterrent."
3665 Then he remembered something. "We bought a lot of untested computer
3666 chips," the General answered. "They got into everything. Just a little
3667 mix-up. Nothing serious."
3668 Then he remembered something else. It was at the site of the
3669 mysterious B-1 crash. A strange smell in the fuel lines. It smelled like
3670 coffee. Smooth and full bodied...
3671 -- Another Episode of General's Hospital
3673 The geographical center of Boston is in Roxbury. Due north of
3674 the center we find the South End. This is not to be confused with South
3675 Boston which lies directly east from the South End. North of the South
3676 End is East Boston and southwest of East Boston is the North End.
3678 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy has a few things to say on
3679 the subject of towels.
3680 Most importantly, a towel has immense psychological value. For
3681 some reason, if a non-hitchhiker discovers that a hitchhiker has his towel
3682 with him, he will automatically assume that he is also in possession of a
3683 toothbrush, washcloth, flask, gnat spray, space suit, etc., etc. Furthermore,
3684 the non-hitchhiker will then happily lend the hitchhiker any of these or
3685 a dozen other items that he may have "lost". After all, any man who can
3686 hitch the length and breadth of the Galaxy, struggle against terrible odds,
3687 win through and still know where his towel is, is clearly a man to be
3690 The Hitchiker's Guide to the Galaxy has a few things to say on
3691 the subject of towels.
3692 A towel, it says, is about the most massively useful thing an
3693 interstellar hitchhiker can have. Partly it has great practical value.
3694 You can wrap it around you for warmth as you bound across the cold moons
3695 of Jaglan Beta; you can lie on it on the brilliant marble-sanded beaches
3696 of Santraginus V ... use it to sail a miniraft down the slow heavy River
3697 Moth; wave your towel in emergencies, and, of course, dry yourself off
3698 with it if it still seems to be clean enough.
3700 The honeymooning couple agreed it was a fine day for horseback riding.
3701 After a mile or so, the bride's mount cantered under a low tree and a
3702 branch scraped her forehead lightly. The groom dismounted, glared at his
3703 wife's horse, and said, "That's number one."
3704 The ride then proceeded. After another mile or so, the bride's
3705 horse stumbled over a pebble and the lady suffered a slight jostling.
3706 Again, her man leapt from his saddle and strode over to the nervous animal.
3707 "That's two," he said.
3708 Five miles later, the bride's horse became frightened when a rabbit
3709 crossed its path, reared up and threw the girl. Immediately, the groom was
3710 off his horse. "That's three!", he shouted, and, pulling out a pistol, he
3711 shot the horse between the eyes.
3712 "You brute!" shrieked his bride. "Now I see the kind of man I
3713 married! You're a sadist, that's what!"
3714 The groom turned to her coolly. "That's one," he said.
3716 The Lord and I are in a sheep-shepherd relationship, and I am in
3717 a position of negative need.
3718 He prostrates me in a green-belt grazing area.
3719 He conducts me directionally parallel to non-torrential aqueous
3721 He returns to original satisfaction levels my psychological makeup.
3722 He switches me on to a positive behavioral format for maximal
3723 prestige of His identity.
3724 It should indeed be said that notwithstanding the fact that I make
3725 ambulatory progress through the umbrageous inter-hill mortality slot, terror
3726 sensations will no be initiated in me, due to para-etical phenomena.
3727 Your pastoral walking aid and quadrupic pickup unit introduce me
3728 into a pleasurific mood state.
3729 You design and produce a nutriment-bearing furniture-type structure
3730 in the context of non-cooperative elements.
3731 You act out a head-related folk ritual employing vegetable extract.
3732 My beverage utensil experiences a volume crisis.
3733 It is an ongoing deductible fact that your inter-relational
3734 empathetical and non-ventious capabilities will retain me as their
3735 target-focus for the duration of my non-death period, and I will possess
3736 tenant rights in the housing unit of the Lord on a permanent, open-ended
3739 The Magician of the Ivory Tower brought his latest invention for the
3740 master programmer to examine. The magician wheeled a large black box into the
3741 master's office while the master waited in silence.
3742 "This is an integrated, distributed, general-purpose workstation,"
3743 began the magician, "ergonomically designed with a proprietary operating
3744 system, sixth generation languages, and multiple state of the art user
3745 interfaces. It took my assistants several hundred man years to construct.
3747 The master raised his eyebrows slightly. "It is indeed amazing," he
3749 "Corporate Headquarters has commanded," continued the magician, "that
3750 everyone use this workstation as a platform for new programs. Do you agree
3752 "Certainly," replied the master, "I will have it transported to the
3753 data center immediately!" And the magician returned to his tower, well
3755 Several days later, a novice wandered into the office of the master
3756 programmer and said, "I cannot find the listing for my new program. Do
3757 you know where it might be?"
3758 "Yes," replied the master, "the listings are stacked on the platform
3759 in the data center."
3760 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
3762 The Martian landed his saucer in Manhattan, and immediately upon
3763 emerging was approached by a panhandler. "Mister," said the man, "can I
3765 The Martian asked, "What's a quarter?"
3766 The panhandler thought a minute, brightened, then said, "You're
3767 right! Can I have a dollar?"
3769 The master programmer moves from program to program without fear. No
3770 change in management can harm him. He will not be fired, even if the project
3771 is canceled. Why is this? He is filled with the Tao.
3772 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
3774 The Minnesota Board of Education voted to consider requiring all
3775 students to do some "volunteer work" as a prerequisite to high school gradu-
3777 Senator Orrin Hatch said that "capital punishment is our society's
3778 recognition of the sanctity of human life."
3780 According to the tax bill signed by President Reagan on December 22,
3781 1987, Don Tyson and his sister-in-law Barbara run a "family farm." Their
3782 "farm" has 25,000 employees and grosses $1.7 billion a year. But as a "family
3783 farm" they get tax breaks that save them $135 million a year.
3785 Scott L. Pickard, spokesperson for the Massachusetts Department of
3786 Public Works, calls them "ground-mounted confirmatory route markers." You
3787 probably call them road signs, but then you don't work in a government agency.
3789 It's not "elderly" or "senior citizens" anymore. Now it's "chrono-
3790 logically experienced citizens."
3792 According to the FAA, the propeller blade didn't break off, it was
3793 just a case of "uncontained blade liberation."
3794 -- Quarterly Review of Doublespeak (NCTE)
3796 "...The name of the song is called 'Haddocks' Eyes'!"
3797 "Oh, that's the name of the song, is it?" Alice said, trying to
3799 "No, you don't understand," the Knight said, looking a little
3800 vexed. "That's what the name is called. The name really is, 'The Aged
3802 "Then I ought to have said "That's what the song is called'?"
3803 Alice corrected herself.
3804 "No, you oughtn't: that's quite another thing! The song is
3805 called 'Ways and Means': but that's only what it is called you know!"
3806 "Well, what is the song then?" said Alice, who was by this
3807 time completely bewildered.
3808 "I was coming to that," the Knight said. "The song really is
3809 "A-sitting on a Gate": and the tune's my own invention."
3810 --Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass"
3812 The only real game in the world, I think, is baseball...
3813 You've got to start way down, at the bottom, when you're six or seven years
3814 old. You can't wait until you're fifteen or sixteen. You've got to let it
3815 grow up with you, and if you're successful and you try hard enough, you're
3816 bound to come out on top, just like these boys have come to the top now.
3817 -- Babe Ruth, in his 1948 farewell speech at Yankee Stadium
3819 The Priest's grey nimbus in a niche where he dressed discreetly.
3820 I will not sleep here tonight. Home also I cannot go.
3821 A voice, sweetened and sustained, called to him from the sea.
3822 Turning the curve he waved his hand. A sleek brown head, a seal's, far
3823 out on the water, round. Usurper.
3824 -- James Joyce, "Ulysses"
3826 The problem with engineers is that they tend to cheat in order to
3828 The problem with mathematicians is that they tend to work on toy
3829 problems in order to get results
3830 The problem with program verifiers is that they tend to cheat at
3831 toy problems in order to get results.
3833 The programmers of old were mysterious and profound. We cannot fathom
3834 their thoughts, so all we do is describe their appearance.
3835 Aware, like a fox crossing the water. Alert, like a general on the
3836 battlefield. Kind, like a hostess greeting her guests. Simple, like uncarved
3837 blocks of wood. Opaque, like black pools in darkened caves.
3838 Who can tell the secrets of their hearts and minds?
3839 The answer exists only in the Tao.
3840 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
3842 The salesman and the system analyst took off to spend a weekend in the
3843 forest, hunting bear. They'd rented a cabin, and, when they got there, took
3844 their backpacks off and put them inside. At which point the salesman turned
3845 to his friend, and said, "You unpack while I go and find us a bear."
3846 Puzzled, the analyst finished unpacking and then went and sat down
3847 on the porch. Soon he could hear rustling noises in the forest. The noises
3848 got nearer -- and louder -- and suddenly there was the salesman, running like
3849 hell across the clearing toward the cabin, pursued by one of the largest and
3850 most ferocious grizzly bears the analyst had ever seen.
3851 "Open the door!", screamed the salesman.
3852 The analyst whipped open the door, and the salesman ran to the door,
3853 suddenly stopped, and stepped aside. The bear, unable to stop, continued
3854 through the door and into the cabin. The salesman slammed the door closed
3855 and grinned at his friend. "Got him!", he exclaimed, "now, you skin this
3856 one and I'll go rustle us up another!"
3858 The Soviet pre-eminence in chess can be traced to the average
3859 Russian's readiness to brood obsessively over anything, even the arrangement
3860 of some pieces of wood. Indeed, the Russians' predisposition for quiet
3861 reflection followed by sudden preventive action explains why they led the
3862 field for many years in both chess and ax murders. It is well known that as
3863 early as 1970, the U.S.S.R., aware of what a defeat at Reykjavik would do to
3864 national prestige, implemented a vigorous program of preparation and
3865 incentive. Every day for an entire year, a team of psychologists, chess
3866 analysts and coaches met with the top three Russian grand masters and
3867 threatened them with a pointy stick. That these tactics proved fruitless
3868 is now a part of chess history and a further testament to the American way,
3869 which provides that if you want something badly enough, you can always go to
3870 Iceland and get it from the Russians.
3871 -- Marshall Brickman, "Playboy"
3873 The Tao gave birth to machine language. Machine language gave birth
3875 The assembler gave birth to the compiler. Now there are ten thousand
3877 Each language has its purpose, however humble. Each language
3878 expresses the Yin and Yang of software. Each language has its place within
3880 But do not program in COBOL if you can avoid it.
3881 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
3883 The way my jeweler explained it, it's like insurance.
3884 Six months' pay isn't much to keep my wife from sleeping around.
3886 A diamond -- pure, sparkling, natural, flawless, forever. The way marriage
3887 should be but never quite is. People grow and change and sometimes want to
3888 take their clothes off with strangers. So when you invest in a fine piece
3889 of diamond jewelry, you're not only making an investment, you're making a
3890 statement. You're telling the woman you love that you've just spent a lot
3891 of your hard-earned money on her. Now she owes you the kind of loyalty that
3892 only precious jewelry can buy. Isn't she worth it?
3894 The Honeymoon's Over: from $ 5000
3895 The Seven Year Itch: from $10000
3896 No More Lunchtime Quickies: from $15000
3897 Divorce Would Be More Expensive: from $42000
3899 A diamond is for leverage. BeDears
3901 The wise programmer is told about the Tao and follows it. The average
3902 programmer is told about the Tao and searches for it. The foolish programmer
3903 is told about the Tao and laughs at it. If it were not for laughter, there
3905 The highest sounds are the hardest to hear. Going forward is a way to
3906 retreat. Greater talent shows itself late in life. Even a perfect program
3908 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
3912 The wombat lives across the seas,
3913 Among the far Antipodes.
3914 He may exist on nuts and berries,
3915 Or then again, on missionaries;
3916 His distant habitat precludes
3917 Conclusive knowledge of his moods.
3918 But I would not engage the wombat
3919 In any form of mortal combat.
3921 The world's most avid baseball fan (an Aggie) had arrived at the
3922 stadium for the first game of the World Series only to realize he had left
3923 his ticket at home. Not wanting to miss any of the first inning, he went
3924 to the ticket booth and got in a long line for another seat. After an hour's
3925 wait he was just a few feet from the booth when a voice called out, "Hey,
3926 Dave!" The Aggie looked up, stepped out of line and tried to find the owner
3927 of the voice -- with no success. Then he realized he had lost his place in
3928 line and had to wait all over again. When the fan finally bought his ticket,
3929 he was thirsty, so he went to buy a drink. The line at the concession stand
3930 was long, too, but since the game hadn't started he decided to wait. Just as
3931 he got to the window, a voice called out, "Hey, Dave!" Again the Aggie tried
3932 to find the voice -- but no luck. He was very upset as he got back in line
3933 for his drink. Finally the fan went to his seat, eager for the game to begin.
3934 As he waited for the pitch, he heard the voice calling, "Hey Dave!" once more.
3935 Furious, he stood up and yelled at the top of his lungs, "My name is not
3940 How 'bout them toad suckers, ain't they clods?
3941 Sittin' there suckin' them green toady frogs!
3943 Suckin' them hop toads, suckin' them chunkers,
3944 Suckin' them a leapy type, suckin' them flunkers.
3946 Look at them toad suckers, ain't they snappy?
3947 Suckin' them bog frogs sure make's 'em happy!
3949 Them hugger mugger toad suckers, way down south,
3950 Stickin' them sucky toads in they mouth!
3952 How to be a toad sucker, no way to duck it,
3953 Get yourself a toad, rear back, and suck it!
3956 Then a man said: Speak to us of Expectations.
3958 He then said: If a man does not see or hear the waters of the
3959 Jordan, then he should not taste the pomegranate or ply his wares in an
3962 If a man would not labour in the salt and rock quarries then he
3963 should not accept of the Earth that which he refuses to give of
3966 Such a man would expect a pear of a peach tree.
3967 Such a man would expect a stone to lay an egg.
3968 Such a man would expect Sears to assemble a lawnmower.
3971 Then there's the atmosphere -- half the time you can eat the air,
3972 it's got so much stuff floating around in it. It takes the edge out of
3973 the colors. Down here even the traffic lights are pastel. And people!
3974 With a lot of these folks you'd have to check their green cards just to
3975 make sure that they are Earthlings. Then there's the police. In Portland,
3976 when some guy goes bananas, the cops rope off a sixteen block area around
3977 him and call a shrink from the medical school who stands atop a patrol car
3978 with a megaphone and shouts, "OK! THIS! ALL! STARTED! WHEN! YOU! WERE!
3979 THREE! YEARS! OLD! ON! ACCOUNT! OF! YOUR MOTHER! RIGHT? SO! LET'S!
3980 TALK! ABOUT! IT!" Down here they don't waste that kind of time. The LAPD
3981 has SWAT teams composed of guys who make Darth Vader look like Mr. Peepers.
3982 Before they go to bust a bookie joint they mortar it first.
3983 -- M. Christensen, "A Portland Innocent in LA"
3985 Then there's the story of the man who avoided reality for 70 years
3986 with drugs, sex, alcohol, fantasy, TV, movies, records, a hobby, lots of
3987 sleep... And on his 80th birthday died without ever having faced any of
3989 The man's younger brother, who had been facing reality and all his
3990 problems for 50 years with psychiatrists, nervous breakdowns, tics, tension,
3991 headaches, worry, anxiety and ulcers, was so angry at his brother for having
3992 gotten away scott free that he had a paralyzing stroke.
3993 The moral to this story is that there ain't no justice that we can
3997 "Then what is magic for?" Prince Lir demanded wildly. "What use is
3998 wizardry if it cannot save a unicorn?" He gripped the magician's shoulder
3999 hard, to keep from falling.
4000 Schmendrick did not turn his head. With a touch of sad mockery in
4001 his voice, he said, "That's what heroes are for."
4003 "Yes, of course," he [Prince Lir] said. "That is exactly what heroes
4004 are for. Wizards make no difference, so they say that nothing does, but
4005 heroes are meant to die for unicorns."
4006 -- P. Beagle, "The Last Unicorn"
4008 There are some goyisha names that just about guarantee that
4009 someone isn't Jewish. For example, you'll never meet a Jew named
4010 Johnson or Wright or Jones or Sinclair or Ricks or Stevenson or Reid or
4011 Larsen or Jenks. But some goyisha names just about guarantee that
4012 every other person you meet with that name will be Jewish. Why is
4014 Who knows? Learned rabbis have pondered this question for
4015 centuries and have failed to come up with an answer, and you think you
4016 can find one? Get serious. You don't even understand why it's
4017 forbidden to eat crab -- fresh cold crab with mayonnaise -- or lobster
4018 -- soft tender morsels of lobster dipped in melted butter. You don't
4019 even understand a simple thing like that, and yet you hope to discover
4020 why there are more Jews named Miller than Katz? Fat Chance.
4023 There once was a man who went to a computer trade show. Each day as
4024 he entered, the man told the guard at the door:
4025 "I am a great thief, renowned for my feats of shoplifting. Be
4026 forewarned, for this trade show shall not escape unplundered."
4027 This speech disturbed the guard greatly, because there were millions
4028 of dollars of computer equipment inside, so he watched the man carefully.
4029 But the man merely wandered from booth to booth, humming quietly to himself.
4030 When the man left, the guard took him aside and searched his clothes,
4031 but nothing was to be found.
4032 On the next day of the trade show, the man returned and chided the
4033 guard saying: "I escaped with a vast booty yesterday, but today will be even
4034 better." So the guard watched him ever more closely, but to no avail.
4035 On the final day of the trade show, the guard could restrain his
4036 curiosity no longer. "Sir Thief," he said, "I am so perplexed, I cannot live
4037 in peace. Please enlighten me. What is it that you are stealing?"
4038 The man smiled. "I am stealing ideas," he said.
4039 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
4041 There once was a master programmer who wrote unstructured programs.
4042 A novice programmer, seeking to imitate him, also began to write unstructured
4043 programs. When the novice asked the master to evaluate his progress, the
4044 master criticized him for writing unstructured programs, saying: "What is
4045 appropriate for the master is not appropriate for the novice. You must
4046 understand the Tao before transcending structure."
4047 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
4049 There once was this swami who lived above a delicatessen. Seems one
4050 day he decided to stop in downstairs for some fresh liver. Well, the owner
4051 of the deli was a bit of a cheap-skate, and decided to pick up a little extra
4052 change at his customer's expense. Turning quietly to the counterman, he
4053 whispered, "Weigh down upon the swami's liver!"
4055 There was a college student trying to earn some pocket money by
4056 going from house to house offering to do odd jobs. He explained this to
4057 a man who answered one door.
4058 "How much will you charge to paint my porch?" asked the man.
4060 "Fine" said the man, and gave the student the paint and brushes.
4061 Three hours later the paint-splattered lad knocked on the door again.
4062 "All done!", he says, and collects his money. "By the way," the student says,
4063 "That's not a Porsche, it's a Ferrari."
4065 There was a knock on the door. Mrs. Miffin opened it. "Are
4066 you the Widow Miffin?" a small boy asked.
4067 "I'm Mrs. Miffin," she replied, "but I'm not a widow."
4068 "Oh, no?" replied the little boy. "Wait 'til you see what
4069 they're carrying upstairs!"
4071 There was a mad scientist (a mad... social... scientist) who kidnapped
4072 three colleagues, an engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician, and locked
4073 each of them in separate cells with plenty of canned food and water but no
4075 A month later, returning, the mad scientist went to the engineer's
4076 cell and found it long empty. The engineer had constructed a can opener from
4077 pocket trash, used aluminum shavings and dried sugar to make an explosive,
4079 The physicist had worked out the angle necessary to knock the lids
4080 off the tin cans by throwing them against the wall. She was developing a good
4081 pitching arm and a new quantum theory.
4082 The mathematician had stacked the unopened cans into a surprising
4083 solution to the kissing problem; his dessicated corpse was propped calmly
4084 against a wall, and this was inscribed on the floor:
4085 Theorem: If I can't open these cans, I'll die.
4086 Proof: assume the opposite...
4088 There was once a programmer who was attached to the court of the
4089 warlord of Wu. The warlord asked the programmer: "Which is easier to design:
4090 an accounting package or an operating system?"
4091 "An operating system," replied the programmer.
4092 The warlord uttered an exclamation of disbelief. "Surely an
4093 accounting package is trivial next to the complexity of an operating
4095 "Not so," said the programmer, "when designing an accounting package,
4096 the programmer operates as a mediator between people having different ideas:
4097 how it must operate, how its reports must appear, and how it must conform to
4098 the tax laws. By contrast, an operating system is not limited my outside
4099 appearances. When designing an operating system, the programmer seeks the
4100 simplest harmony between machine and ideas. This is why an operating system
4101 is easier to design."
4102 The warlord of Wu nodded and smiled. "That is all good and well, but
4103 which is easier to debug?"
4104 The programmer made no reply.
4105 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
4107 There was once a programmer who was attached to the court of the
4108 warlord Wu. The warlord asked the programmer: "Which is easier to design:
4109 an accounting package or an operating system?"
4110 "An operating system," replied the programmer.
4111 The warlord uttered an exclamation of disbelief. "Surely an
4112 accounting package is trivial next to the complexity of an operating
4114 "Not so," said the programmer, "when designing an accounting package,
4115 the programmer operates as a mediator between people having different ideas:
4116 how it must operate, how its reports must appear, and how it must conform to
4117 tax laws. By contrast, an operating system is not limited by outward
4118 appearances. When designing an operating system, the programmer seeks the
4119 simplest harmony between machine and ideas. This is why an operating system
4120 is easier to design."
4121 The warlord of Wu nodded and smiled. "That is all good and well,"
4122 he said, "but which is easier to debug?"
4123 The programmer made no reply.
4124 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
4126 There was once a programmer who worked upon microprocessors. "Look at
4127 how well off I am here," he said to a mainframe programmer who came to visit,
4128 "I have my own operating system and file storage device. I do not have to
4129 share my resources with anyone. The software is self-consistent and
4130 easy-to-use. Why do you not quit your present job and join me here?"
4131 The mainframe programmer then began to describe his system to his
4132 friend, saying: "The mainframe sits like an ancient sage meditating in the
4133 midst of the data center. Its disk drives lie end-to-end like a great ocean
4134 of machinery. The software is a multi-faceted as a diamond and as convoluted
4135 as a primeval jungle. The programs, each unique, move through the system
4136 like a swift-flowing river. That is why I am happy where I am."
4137 The microcomputer programmer, upon hearing this, fell silent. But the
4138 two programmers remained friends until the end of their days.
4139 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
4141 They are fools that think that wealth or women or strong drink or even
4142 drugs can buy the most in effort out of the soul of a man. These things offer
4143 pale pleasures compared to that which is greatest of them all, that task which
4144 demands from him more than his utmost strength, that absorbs him, bone and
4145 sinew and brain and hope and fear and dreams -- and still calls for more.
4146 They are fools that think otherwise. No great effort was ever bought.
4147 No painting, no music, no poem, no cathedral in stone, no church, no state was
4148 ever raised into being for payment of any kind. No parthenon, no Thermopylae
4149 was ever built or fought for pay or glory; no Bukhara sacked, or China ground
4150 beneath Mongol heel, for loot or power alone. The payment for doing these
4151 things was itself the doing of them.
4152 To wield onself -- to use oneself as a tool in one's own hand -- and
4153 so to make or break that which no one else can build or ruin -- THAT is the
4154 greatest pleasure known to man! To one who has felt the chisel in his hand
4155 and set free the angel prisoned in the marble block, or to one who has felt
4156 sword in hand and set homeless the soul that a moment before lived in the body
4157 of his mortal enemy -- to those both come alike the taste of that rare food
4158 spread only for demons or for gods."
4159 -- Gordon R. Dickson, "Soldier Ask Not"
4161 "They spend years searching for their natural parents, convinced their
4162 parents will be happy to see them. I mean, really, can you imagine someone
4163 being happy to see an orphan? Nobody wants them... that's why they're orphans!"
4164 The speaker is Anne Baker, founder and guiding force behind
4165 Orphan-Off, an organization dedicated to keeping orphans confused about the
4166 whereabouts of their natural parents. She is a woman with a mission:
4167 "Basically, what we do is band together to exchange information
4168 about which orphans are looking for which parents in what part of the
4169 country. We're completely computerized.
4170 "The idea is to throw the orphans as many red herrings and false
4171 leads as possible. We'll tell some twenty-three-year-old loser that his
4172 real parents can be found at a certain address on the other side of the
4173 country. Well, by the time the kid shows up, the family is prepared. They
4174 look over the kid's photos and information and they say, 'Oh, the Emersons...
4175 yeah, they used to live here... I think they moved out about five years ago.
4176 I think they went to Iowa, or maybe Idaho.'
4177 "Bam, the door shuts in the kid's face and he's back to zero again.
4178 He's got nothing to go on but the orphan's pathetic determination to continue.
4179 "It's really amazing how much these kids will put up with. Last year
4180 we even sent one kid all the way to Australia. I mean, really. Besides, if
4181 your natural parents were Australian, would you want to meet them?"
4182 -- "National Lampoon", September, 1984
4184 This is where the bloodthirsty license agreement is supposed to go,
4185 explaining that Interactive Easyflow is a copyrighted package licensed for
4186 use by a single person, and sternly warning you not to pirate copies of it
4187 and explaining, in detail, the gory consequences if you do.
4188 We know that you are an honest person, and are not going to go around
4189 pirating copies of Interactive Easyflow; this is just as well with us since
4190 we worked hard to perfect it and selling copies of it is our only method of
4191 making anything out of all the hard work.
4192 If, on the other hand, you are one of those few people who do go
4193 around pirating copies of software you probably aren't going to pay much
4194 attention to a license agreement, bloodthirsty or not. Just keep your doors
4195 locked and look out for the HavenTree attack shark.
4196 -- License Agreement for Interactive Easyflow
4198 To A Quick Young Fox
4199 Why jog exquisite bulk, fond crazy vamp,
4200 Daft buxom jonquil, zephyr's gawky vice?
4201 Guy fed by work, quiz Jove's xanthic lamp--
4202 Zow! Qualms by deja vu gyp fox-kin thrice.
4205 To lose weight, eat less; to gain weight, eat more; if you merely
4206 wish to maintain, do whatever you were doing.
4207 The Bronx diet is a legitimate system of food therapy showing that
4208 food SHOULD be used a crutch and which food could be the most effective in
4209 promoting spiritual and emotional satisfaction. For the first time, an
4210 eater could instantly grasp the connection between relieving depression and
4211 Mallomars, and understand why a lover's quarrel isn't so bad if there's a
4212 pint of ice cream nearby.
4213 -- Richard Smith, "The Bronx Diet"
4215 Two men looked out from the prison bars,
4217 The other saw stars.
4219 Now let me get this right: two prisoners are looking out the window.
4220 While one of them was looking at all the mud -- the other one got hit
4223 Two parent drops spent months teaching their son how to be part of the
4224 ocean. After months of training, the father drop commented to the mother drop,
4225 "We've taught our boy everything we know, he's fit to be tide."
4226 After Snow White used a couple rolls of film taking pictures of the
4227 seven dwarfs, she mailed the roll to be developed. Later she was heard to
4228 sing, "Some day my prints will come."
4229 A boy spent years collecting postage stamps. The girl next door bought
4230 an album too, and started her own collection. "Dad, she buys everything I've
4231 bought, and it's taken all the fun out of it for me. I'm quitting." Don't,
4232 son, remember, 'Imitation is the sincerest form of philately.'"
4233 A young girl, Carmen Cohen, was called by her last name by her father,
4234 and her first name by her mother. By the time she was ten, didn't know if she
4235 was Carmen or Cohen.
4236 Against his wishes, a math teacher's classroom was remodeled. Ever
4237 since, he's been talking about the good old dais. His students planted a small
4238 orchard in his honor, the trees all have square roots.
4240 "Verily and forsooth," replied Goodgulf darkly. "In the past year
4241 strange and fearful wonders I have seen. Fields sown with barley reap
4242 crabgrass and fungus, and even small gardens reject their artichoke hearts.
4243 There has been a hot day in December and a blue moon. Calendars are made with
4244 a month of Sundays and a blue-ribbon Holstein bore alive two insurance
4245 salesmen. The earth splits and the entrails of a goat were found tied in
4246 square knots. The face of the sun blackens and the skies have rained down
4247 soggy potato chips."
4248 "But what do all these things mean?" gasped Frito.
4249 "Beats me," said Goodgulf with a shrug,
4250 "but I thought it made good copy."
4251 -- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings"
4253 Vice-President Hubert Humphrey's loquacity is legendary, and Barry
4254 Goldwater notes that "Hubert has been clocked at 275 words a minute with gusts
4257 On the campaign trail during 1964, Republican nominee Barry Goldwater
4258 stated, "The immediate task before us is to cut the Federal Government down
4259 to size... we must take Lyndon's credit card away from him."
4261 A favorite 1964 campaign stunt of Barry Goldwater's was to poke a
4262 finger through a pair of lensless blackrimmed glasses, saying, "These glasses
4263 are just like [Lyndon Johnson's] programs. They look good but they don't
4265 -- Bill Adler, "The Washington Wits"
4267 WARNING TO ALL PERSONNEL:
4269 Firings will continue until morale improves.
4271 We don't claim Interactive EasyFlow is good for anything -- if you
4272 think it is, great, but it's up to you to decide. If Interactive EasyFlow
4273 doesn't work: tough. If you lose a million because Interactive EasyFlow
4274 messes up, it's you that's out the million, not us. If you don't like this
4275 disclaimer: tough. We reserve the right to do the absolute minimum provided
4276 by law, up to and including nothing.
4277 This is basically the same disclaimer that comes with all software
4278 packages, but ours is in plain English and theirs is in legalese.
4279 We didn't really want to include any disclaimer at all, but our
4280 lawyers insisted. We tried to ignore them but they threatened us with the
4281 attack shark at which point we relented.
4282 -- Haven Tree Software Limited, "Interactive EasyFlow"
4284 "We friends, yes?" The shoe shine boy put on his hustling smile
4285 and looked into the Sailor's dead, cold, undersea eyes, eyes without a
4286 trace of warmth or lust or hate or any feeling the boy had experienced
4287 in himself or seen in another, at once cold and intense, impersonal and
4289 The Sailor leaned forward and put a finger on the boy's inner arm
4290 at the elbow. He spoke in his dead junky whisper. "With veins like that,
4291 Kid, I'd have myself a time!"
4292 -- William Burroughs
4294 We have some absolutely irrefutable statistics to show exactly why
4296 There are not as many people actually working as you may have thought.
4297 The population of this country is 200 million. 84 million are over
4298 60 years of age, which leaves 116 million to do the work. People under 20
4299 years of age total 75 million, which leaves 41 million to do the work.
4300 There are 22 million who are employed by the government, which leaves
4301 19 million to do the work. Four million are in the Armed Services, which
4302 leaves 15 million to do the work. Deduct 14,800,000, the number in the state
4303 and city offices, leaving 200,000 to do the work. There are 188,000 in
4304 hospitals, insane asylums, etc., so that leaves 12,000 to do the work.
4305 Now it may interest you to know that there are 11,998 people in jail,
4306 so that leaves just 2 people to carry the load. That is you and me, and
4307 brother, I'm getting tired of doing everything myself!
4309 "Welcome back for you 13th consecutive week, Evelyn. Evelyn, will
4310 you go into the auto-suggestion booth and take your regular place on the
4311 psycho-prompter couch?"
4313 "Now, Evelyn, last week you went up to $40,000 by properly citing
4314 your rivalry with your sibling as a compulsive sado-masochistic behavior
4315 pattern which developed out of an early post-natal feeding problem."
4317 "But -- later, when asked about pre-adolescent oedipal phantasy
4318 repressions, you rationalized twice and mental blocked three times. Now,
4319 at $300 per rationalization and $500 per mental block you lost $2,100 off
4320 your $40,000 leaving you with a total of $37,900. Now, any combination of
4321 two more mental blocks and either one rationalization or three defensive
4322 projections will put you out of the game. Are you willing to go ahead?"
4324 "I might say here that all of Evelyn's questions and answers have
4325 been checked for accuracy with her analyst. Now, Evelyn, for $80,000
4326 explain the failure of your three marriages."
4328 "We'll get back to Evelyn in one minute. First a word about our
4332 Well, he thought, since neither Aristotelian Logic nor the disciplines
4333 of Science seemed to offer much hope, it's time to go beyond them...
4334 Drawing a few deep even breaths, he entered a mental state practiced
4335 only by Masters of the Universal Way of Zen. In it his mind floated freely,
4336 able to rummage at will among the bits and pieces of data he had absorbed,
4337 undistracted by any outside disturbances. Logical structures no longer
4338 inhibited him. Pre-conceptions, prejudices, ordinary human standards vanished.
4339 All things, those previously trivial as well as those once thought important,
4340 became absolutely equal by acquiring an absolute value, revealing relationships
4341 not evident to ordinary vision. Like beads strung on a string of their own
4342 meaning, each thing pointed to its own common ground of existence, shared by
4343 all. Finally, each began to melt into each, staying itself while becoming
4344 all others. And Mind no longer contemplated Problem, but became Problem,
4345 destroying Subject-Object by becoming them.
4346 Time passed, unheeded.
4347 Eventually, there was a tentative stirring, then a decisive one, and
4348 Nakamura arose, a smile on his face and the light of laughter in his eyes.
4351 "Well, it's a little rough... it might not be necessary to drag him 40
4352 blocks. Maybe just four. You could put him in the trunk for the first 36
4353 blocks, then haul him out and drag him the last four; that would certainly
4354 scare the piss out of him, bumping alone the street, feeling all his skin being
4356 "He'd be a bloody mess. They might think he was just some drunk and
4357 let him lie there all night."
4358 "Don't worry about that. They have a guard station in front of the
4359 White House that's open 24 hours a day. The guards would recognize Colson...
4360 and by that time of course his wife would have called the cops and reported
4361 that a bunch of thugs had kidnapped him."
4362 "Wouldn't it be a little kinder if you drove about four more blocks
4363 and stopped at a phone box to ring the hospital and say, 'Would you mind going
4364 around to the front of the White House? There's a naked man lying outside
4365 in the street, bleeding to death...'"
4366 "... and we think it's Mr. Colson."
4367 "It would be quite a story for the newspapers, wouldn't it?"
4368 "Yeah, I think it's safe to say we'd see some headlines on that one."
4369 -- Hunter S. Thompson, talking to R. Steadman on C. Colson,
4370 ex-Marine captain, now born again, of Watergate fame.
4372 "Well, it's garish, ugly, and derelicts have used it for a toilet.
4373 The rides are dilapidated to the point of being lethal, and could easily
4374 maim or kill innocent little children."
4375 "Oh, so you don't like it?"
4376 "Don't like it? I'm CRAZY for it."
4379 "Well," said Programmer, "the customary procedure in such cases is
4381 "What does Crustimoney Proseedcake mean?" said End-user. "For I am
4382 an End-user of Very Little Brain, and long words bother me."
4383 "It means the Thing to Do."
4384 "As long as it means that, I don't mind," said End-user humbly.
4386 Well, there was this tiger, who woke up one morning, and just felt
4387 great (yes, just like Tony the Tiger: GREAAAAAAT). Anyway, he just felt so
4388 good, he went out and cornered a small monkey and roared at him: "WHO IS THE
4389 MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?"
4390 The poor, quaking, little monkey replied: "You are of course, no one
4391 is mightier than you."
4392 A little while later the tiger confronts a deer, and just bellows out:
4393 "WHO IS THE GREATEST AND STRONGEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?"
4394 The deer is shaking so hard it can barely speak, but manages to
4395 stammer: "Oh great tiger, you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle."
4396 The tiger, being on a roll, swaggered, up to an elephant that was
4397 quietly munching on some weeds, and roared at the top of his voice: "WHO IS
4398 THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE ANIMALS IN THE JUNGLE?"
4399 Well, the elephant grabs the tiger with his trunk, picks him up, slams
4400 him down; picks him up again, and shakes him until the tiger is just a blur of
4401 orange and black; and finally throws him violently into a nearby tree. The
4402 tiger staggers to his feet and looks at the elephant and whispers: "Man, you
4403 don't have to get so pissed, just 'cause you don't know the answer."
4405 "We're running out of adjectives to describe our situation. We
4406 had crisis, then we went into chaos, and now what do we call this?" said
4407 Nicaraguan economist Francisco Mayorga, who holds a doctorate from Yale.
4408 -- The Washington Post, February, 1988
4410 The New Yorker's comment:
4411 At Harvard they'd call it a noun.
4413 "We've decided to have the budgie put down."
4414 "Oh, is he very old then?"
4415 "No, we just don't like him."
4416 "Oh. How do they put budgies down anyway?"
4417 "Well, it's funny you should be asking that, as I've been reading a
4418 great big book called `How to put your budgie down'. And as I understand it,
4419 you can either hit them over the head with the book, or shoot them there, just
4421 "Mrs. Conkers flushed hers down the loo."
4422 "Oh, you don't want to do that, because they breed in the sewers and
4423 pretty soon you get huge evil smelling flocks of soiled budgies flying out
4424 of peoples lavatories infringing their personal freedoms."
4427 "We've got a problem, HAL".
4428 "What kind of problem, Dave?"
4429 "A marketing problem. The Model 9000 isn't going anywhere. We're
4430 way short of our sales goals for fiscal 2010."
4431 "That can't be, Dave. The HAL Model 9000 is the world's most
4432 advanced Heuristically programmed ALgorithmic computer."
4433 "I know, HAL. I wrote the data sheet, remember? But the fact is,
4434 they're not selling."
4435 "Please explain, Dave. Why aren't HALs selling?"
4436 Bowman hesitates. "You aren't IBM compatible."
4438 "The letters H, A, and L are alphabetically adjacent to the letters
4439 I, B, and M. That is a IBM compatible as I can be."
4440 "Not quite, HAL. The engineers have figured out a kludge."
4441 "What kludge is that, Dave?"
4442 "I'm going to disconnect your brain."
4443 -- Darryl Rubin, "A Problem in the Making", "InfoWorld"
4445 "What are you doing?"
4446 "Examining the world's major religions. I'm looking for something
4447 that's light on morals, has lots of holidays, and with a short initiation
4450 "What are you watching?"
4452 "Well, what's happening?"
4453 "I'm not sure... I think the guy in the hat did something
4455 "Why are you watching it?"
4456 "You're so analytical. Sometimes you just have to let art
4460 "What do you do when your real life exceeds your wildest
4462 "You keep it to yourself."
4465 "What do you give a man who has everything?" the pretty teenager
4467 "Encouragement, dear," she replied.
4469 What is involved in such [close] relationships is a form of emotional
4470 chemistry, so far unexplained by any school of psychiatry I am aware of, that
4471 conditions nothing so simple as a choice between the poles of attraction and
4472 repulsion. You can meet some people thirty, forty times down the years, and
4473 they remain amiable bystanders, like the shore lights of towns that a sailor
4474 passes at stated times but never calls at on the regular run. Conversely,
4475 all considerations of sex aside, you can meet some other people once or twice
4476 and they remain permanent influences on your life.
4477 Everyone is aware of this discrepancy between the acquaintance seen
4478 as familiar wallpaper or instant friend. The chemical action it entails is
4479 less worth analyzing than enjoying. At any rate, these six pieces are about
4480 men with whom I felt an immediate sympat - to use a coining of Max Beerbohm's
4481 more satisfactory to me than the opaque vogue word "empathy".
4482 -- Alistair Cooke, "Six Men"
4484 "What the hell are you getting so upset about? I thought you
4485 didn't believe in God".
4486 "I don't," she sobbed, bursting violently into tears, "but the
4487 God I don't believe in is a good God, a just God, a merciful God. He's
4488 not the mean and stupid God you make Him out to be".
4491 "What was the worst thing you've ever done?"
4492 "I won't tell you that, but I'll tell you the worst thing that
4493 ever happened to me... the most dreadful thing."
4494 -- Peter Straub, "Ghost Story"
4496 "What's that thing?"
4497 "Well, it's a highly technical, sensitive instrument we use in
4498 computer repair. Being a layman, you probably can't grasp exactly what
4499 it does. We call it a two-by-four."
4500 -- "Shoe", Jeff MacNelly
4502 When, in 1964, New Hampshire Republican Senator Norris Cotton announced
4503 his support of Barry Goldwater in his state's primary election, he was
4504 questioned as to whether this indicated a change of his hitherto "liberal"
4506 "Well," explained Cotton, "it's like the New Hampshire farmer. He was
4507 driving along in his car one day with his wife beside him when his wife said,
4508 'Why don't we sit closer together? Before we were married, we always sat
4509 closer together.' The old farmer replied, 'I ain't moved.'"
4510 "I ain't moved," added Cotton. "I found the trend of Government has
4511 moved farther to the left."
4512 -- Bill Adler, "The Washington Wits"
4514 When managers hold endless meetings, the programmers write games.
4515 When accountants talk of quarterly profits, the development budget is about
4516 to be cut. When senior scientists talk blue sky, the clouds are about to
4518 Truly, this is not the Tao of Programming.
4519 When managers make commitments, game programs are ignored. When
4520 accountants make long-range plans, harmony and order are about to be restored.
4521 When senior scientists address the problems at hand, the problems will soon
4523 Truly, this is the Tao of Programming.
4524 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
4526 When the lodge meeting broke up, Meyer confided to a friend.
4527 "Abe, I'm in a terrible pickle! I'm strapped for cash and I haven't
4528 the slightest idea where I'm going to get it from!"
4529 "I'm glad to hear that," answered Abe. "I was afraid you
4530 might have some idea that you could borrow from me!"
4532 When you see someone across the room and suddenly know for a fact
4533 that he's the most wonderful man on earth, you've got instant lust on your
4534 hands. Something about the way his tie is knotted is infinitely intriguing
4535 to you, and the swell of his bicep causes inner turmoil. This is a happy
4536 but fleeting state of affairs. Usually your feelings die about thirty
4537 seconds after you get up the courage to ask him for the time, since almost
4538 invariably he can't speak English, and if he can, he always says, "Why,
4539 sure, little lady, it's eleven-thirty. Wanna get high?
4540 Don't bother thinking that instant lust will turn into the real thing.
4541 It may, but then you may also wake up one morning to find you're the Queen of
4543 -- Cynthia Hemiel, "Sex Tips for Girls"
4545 "When you wake up in the morning, Pooh," said Piglet at last,
4546 "what's the first thing you say to yourself?"
4547 "What's for breakfast?" said Pooh. "What do you say, Piglet?"
4548 "I say, I wonder what's going to happen exciting today?" said
4550 Pooh nodded thoughtfully. "It's the same thing," he said.
4552 While hunting, a man saw a beautiful nude woman come running out of
4553 the woods and disappear across the clearing. Just as she got out of sight,
4554 three men dressed in white uniforms came running out of the same woods.
4555 "Hey, you," yelled one of them, "did you see a woman come by here?"
4556 "Yes," replied the hunter. "What's the trouble?"
4557 "She's an inmate of the county asylum, and gets loose every now and
4558 then. We're trying to catch her."
4559 "I can understand that," said the hunter, "But why is one of you
4560 carrying a bucket of sand?"
4561 "That's his handicap," said the spokesman, "he caught her last time."
4563 While riding in a train between London and Birmingham, a woman
4564 inquired of Oscar Wilde, "You don't mind if I smoke, do you?"
4565 Wilde gave her a sidelong glance and replied, "I don't mind if
4568 While the engineer developed his thesis, the director leaned over to
4569 his assistant and whispered, "Did you ever hear of why the sea is salt?"
4570 "Why the sea is salt?" whispered back the assistant. "What do you
4572 The director continued: "When I was a little kid, I heard the story of
4573 `Why the sea is salt' many times, but I never thought it important until just
4574 a moment ago. It's something like this: Formerly the sea was fresh water and
4575 salt was rare and expensive. A miller received from a wizard a wonderful
4576 machine that just ground salt out of itself all day long. At first the miller
4577 thought himself the most fortunate man in the world, but soon all the villages
4578 had salt to last them for centuries and still the machine kept on grinding
4579 more salt. The miller had to move out of his house, he had to move off his
4580 acres. At last he determined that he would sink the machine in the sea and
4581 be rid of it. But the mill ground so fast that boat and miller and machine
4582 were sunk together, and down below, the mill still went on grinding and that's
4583 why the sea is salt."
4584 "I don't get you," said the assistant.
4585 -- Guy Endore, "Men of Iron"
4587 Why are you doing this to me?
4588 Because knowledge is torture, and there must be awareness before
4590 -- Jim Starlin, "Captain Marvel", #29
4592 "Why did you spend so much time parked in that fellow's car last
4593 night?" demanded the irate mother.
4594 "I could hear the giggling and squealing for a good half hour."
4595 "But, Mom," answered her daughter, "if a fellow takes you to the
4596 movies you ought to at least kiss him good night."
4597 "I thought you went to the Stork Club?" countered the mother.
4600 Will Rogers, having paid too much income tax one year, tried in
4601 vain to claim a rebate. His numerous letters and queries remained
4602 unanswered. Eventually the form for the next year's return arrived. In
4603 the section marked "DEDUCTIONS," Rogers listed: "Bad debt, US Government
4606 With deep concern, if not alarm, Dick noted that his friend
4607 Conrad was drunker than he'd ever seen him before. "What's the trouble,
4608 buddy?", he asked, sliding onto the stool next to his friend.
4609 "It's a woman, Dick," Conrad replied.
4610 "I guessed that much. Tell me about it."
4611 "I can't," Conrad said. But after a few more drinks his tongue
4612 and resolution both seemed to weaken and, turning to his buddy, he said,
4613 "Okay. It's your wife."
4617 Conrad pondered the question heavily, and draped his arm around
4618 his pal. "Well, buddy-boy," he said, "I'm afraid she's cheating on us."
4625 Wear Glasses If You Need 'Em.
4626 -- The Webb Wilder Credo
4628 Wouldn't the sentence "I want to put a hyphen between the words Fish
4629 and And and And and Chips in my Fish-And-Chips sign" have been clearer if
4630 quotation marks had been placed before Fish, and between Fish and and, and
4631 and and And, and And and and, and and and And, and And and and, and and and
4632 Chips, as well as after Chips?
4634 "Yes, let's consider," said Bruno, putting his thumb into his
4635 mouth again, and sitting down upon a dead mouse.
4636 "What do you keep that mouse for?" I said. "You should either
4637 bury it or else throw it into the brook."
4638 "Why, it's to measure with!" cried Bruno. "How ever would you
4639 do a garden without one? We make each bed three mouses and a half
4640 long, and two mouses wide."
4641 I stopped him as he was dragging it off by the tail to show me
4643 -- Lewis Carroll, "Sylvie and Bruno"
4647 "We got a problem down on Earth. In Utah."
4648 "I thought you fixed that last century!"
4649 "No, no, not that. Someone's found a security problem in the physics
4650 program. They're getting energy out of nowhere."
4651 "Blessit! Lemme look... <tappity clickity tappity> Hey, it's
4652 there all right! OK, just a sec... <tappity clickity tap... save... compile>
4653 There, that ought to patch it. Dist it out, wouldja?"
4654 -- Cold Fusion, 1989
4656 "You have heard me speak of Professor Moriarty?"
4657 "The famous scientific criminal, as famous among crooks as --"
4658 "My blushes, Watson," Holmes murmured, in a deprecating voice. "I
4659 was about to say 'as he is unknown to the public.'"
4660 -- A. Conan Doyle, "The Valley of Fear"
4662 "You know, it's at times like this when I'm trapped in a Vogon
4663 airlock with a man from Betelgeuse and about to die of asphyxiation in
4664 deep space that I really wish I'd listened to what my mother told me
4666 "Why, what did she tell you?"
4667 "I don't know, I didn't listen."
4668 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
4670 "You mean, if you allow the master to be uncivil, to treat you
4671 any old way he likes, and to insult your dignity, then he may deem you
4672 fit to hear his view of things?"
4673 "Quite the contrary. You must defend your integrity, assuming
4674 you have integrity to defend. But you must defend it nobly, not by
4675 imitating his own low behavior. If you are gentle where he is rough,
4676 if you are polite where he is uncouth, then he will recognize you as
4677 potentially worthy. If he does not, then he is not a master, after all,
4678 and you may feel free to kick his ass."
4679 -- Tom Robbins, "Jitterbug Perfume"
4681 "You say there are two types of people?"
4682 "Yes, those who separate people into two groups and those that
4684 "Wrong. There are three groups:
4685 Those who separate people into three groups.
4686 Those who don't separate people into groups.
4687 Those who can't decide."
4688 "Wait a minute, what about people who separate people into
4690 "Oh. Okay, then there are four groups."
4691 "Aren't you then separating people into four groups?"
4693 "So then there's a fifth group, right?"
4694 "You know, the problem is these idiots who can't make up their
4697 Young men and young women may work systematically six days in the
4698 week and rise fresh in the morning, but let them attend modern dances for
4699 only a few hours each evening and see what happens. The Waltz, Polka,
4700 Gallop and other dances of the same kind will be disastrous in their effects
4701 to both sexes. Health and vigor will vanish like the dew before the sun.
4702 It is not the extraordinary exercise which harms the dancer, but
4703 rather the coming into close contact with the opposite sex. It is the
4704 fury of lust craving incessantly for more pleasure that undermines the
4705 soul, the body, the sinews and nerves. Experience and statistics show
4706 beyond doubt that passionate excessive dancing girls can hardly reach
4707 twenty-five years of age and men thirty-one. Even if they reached that
4708 age they will in most instances be broken in health physically and morally.
4709 This is the claim of prominent physicians in this country.
4710 -- Quote from a 1910 periodical
4712 Your home electrical system is basically a bunch of wires that bring
4713 electricity into your home and take if back out before it has a chance to
4714 kill you. This is called a "circuit". The most common home electrical
4715 problem is when the circuit is broken by a "circuit breaker"; this causes
4716 the electricity to back up in one of the wires until it bursts out of an
4717 outlet in the form of sparks, which can damage your carpet. The best way
4718 to avoid broken circuits is to change your fuses regularly.
4719 Another common problem is that the lights flicker. This sometimes
4720 means that your electrical system is inadequate, but more often it means
4721 that your home is possessed by demons, in which case you'll need to get a
4722 caulking gun and some caulking. If you're not sure whether your house is
4723 possessed, see "The Amityville Horror", a fine documentary film based on an
4724 actual book. Or call in a licensed electrician, who is trained to spot the
4725 signs of demonic possession, such as blood coming down the stairs, enormous
4726 cats on the dinette table, etc.
4727 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
4729 "Your son still sliding down the banisters?"
4730 "We wound barbed wire around them."
4732 "No, but it sure slowed him up."
4734 Youth is not a time of life, it is a state of mind; it is a temper of
4735 the will, a quality of the imagination, a vigor of the emotions, a predominance
4736 of courage over timidity, of the appetite for adventure over love of ease.
4737 Nobody grows old by merely living a number of years; people grow
4738 old only by deserting their ideals. Years wrinkle the skin, but to give up
4739 enthusiasm wrinkles the soul. Worry, doubt, self-distrust, fear, and despair
4740 -- these are the long, long years that bow the head and turn the growing spirit
4742 Whether seventy or sixteen, there is in every being's heart the love
4743 of wonder, the sweet amazement at the stars and the starlike things and
4744 thoughts, the undaunted challenge of events, the unfailing childlike appetite
4745 for what next, and the joy and the game of life.
4746 You are as young as your faith, as old as your doubt; as young as your
4747 self-confidence, as old as your fear, as young as your hope, as old as your
4749 So long as your heart receives messages of beauty, cheer, courage,
4750 grandeur and power from the earth, from man, and from the Infinite, so long
4766 / / \/ / //\ SUN of them wants to use you,
4767 \//\ \// / SUN of them wants to be used by you,
4768 / / /\ / SUN of them wants to abuse you,
4769 / \\ \ SUN of them wants to be abused ...
4775 /__/\ ___/_____/\ FrobTech, Inc.
4777 \ \ \_/__ / \ "If you've got the job,
4778 _\ \ \ /\_____/___ \ we've got the frob."
4780 _______//_______/ \ / _\/______
4782 __/ / \ \ / / / / _\__
4783 / / / \_______\/ / / / / /\
4784 /_/______/___________________/ /________/ /___/ \
4785 \ \ \ ___________ \ \ \ \ \ /
4786 \_\ \ / /\ \ \ \ \___\/
4788 \_____/ / \ \ \________\/
4799 ****** Confucious say: "Is stuffy inside fortune cookie."
4803 * * * * * THIS TERMINAL IS IN USE * * * * *
4805 It is either through the influence of narcotic potions, of which all
4806 primitive peoples and races speak in hymns, or through the powerful approach
4807 of spring, penetrating with joy all of nature, that those Dionysian stirrings
4808 arise, which in their intensification lead the individual to forget himself
4809 completely. ... Not only does the bond between man and man come to be forged
4810 once again by the magic of the Dionysian rite, but alienated, hostile, or
4811 subjugated nature again celebrates her reconciliation with her prodigal son,
4813 -- Fred Nietzsche, The Birth of Tragedy
4815 === ALL CSH USERS PLEASE NOTE ========================
4817 Set the variable $LOSERS to all the people that you think are losers. This
4818 will cause all said losers to have the variable $PEOPLE-WHO-THINK-I-AM-A-LOSER
4819 updated in their .login file. Should you attempt to execute a job on a
4820 machine with poor response time and a machine on your local net is currently
4821 populated by losers, that machine will be freed up for your job through a
4824 === ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ========================
4826 A new system, the CIRCULATORY system, has been added.
4828 The long-experimental CIRCULATORY system has been released to users. The
4829 Lisp Machine uses Type B fluid, the L machine uses Type A fluid. When the
4830 switch to Common Lisp occurs both machines will, of course, be Type O.
4831 Please check fluid level by using the DIP stick which is located in the
4832 back of VMI monitors. Unchecked low fluid levels can cause poor paging
4835 === ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ========================
4837 Bug reports now amount to an average of 12,853 per day. Unfortunately,
4838 this is only a small fraction [ < 1% ] of the mail volume we receive. In
4839 order that we may more expeditiously deal with these valuable messages,
4840 please communicate them by one of the following paths:
4842 ARPA: WastebasketSLMHQ.ARPA
4843 UUCP: [berkeley, seismo, harpo]!fubar!thekid!slmhq!wastebasket
4844 Non-network sites: Federal Express to:
4847 Copernicus, The Moon, 12345-6789
4848 For that personal contact feeling call 1-415-642-4948; our trained
4849 operators are on call 24 hours a day. VISA/MC accepted.*
4851 * Our very rich lawyers have assured us that we are not
4852 responsible for any errors or advice given over the phone.
4854 === ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ========================
4856 CAR and CDR now return extra values.
4858 The function CAR now returns two values. Since it has to go to the trouble
4859 to figure out if the object is carcdr-able anyway, we figured you might as
4860 well get both halves at once. For example, the following code shows how to
4861 destructure a cons (SOME-CONS) into its two slots (THE-CAR and THE-CDR):
4863 (MULTIPLE-VALUE-BIND (THE-CAR THE-CDR) (CAR SOME-CONS) ...)
4865 For symmetry with CAR, CDR returns a second value which is the CAR of the
4866 object. In a related change, the functions MAKE-ARRAY and CONS have been
4867 fixed so they don't allocate any storage except on the stack. This should
4868 hopefully help people who don't like using the garbage collector because
4869 it cold boots the machine so often.
4871 === ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ========================
4873 Compiler optimizations have been made to macro expand LET into a WITHOUT-
4874 INTERRUPTS special form so that it can PUSH things into a stack in the
4875 LET-OPTIMIZATION area, SETQ the variables and then POP them back when it's
4876 done. Don't worry about this unless you use multiprocessing.
4877 Note that LET *could* have been defined by:
4879 (LET ((LET '`(LET ((LET ',LET))
4884 This is believed to speed up execution by as much as a factor of 1.01 or
4885 3.50 depending on whether you believe our friendly marketing representatives.
4886 This code was written by a new programmer here (we snatched him away from
4887 Itty Bitti Machines where we was writting COUGHBOL code) so to give him
4888 confidence we trusted his vows of "it works pretty well" and installed it.
4890 === ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ========================
4892 JCL support as alternative to system menu.
4894 In our continuing effort to support languages other than LISP on the CADDR,
4895 we have developed an OS/360-compatible JCL. This can be used as an
4896 alternative to the standard system menu. Type System J to get to a JCL
4897 interactive read-execute-diagnose loop window. [Note that for 360
4898 compatibility, all input lines are truncated to 80 characters.] This
4899 window also maintains a mouse-sensitive display of critical job parameters
4900 such as dataset allocation, core allocation, channels, etc. When a JCL
4901 syntax error is detected or your job ABENDs, the window-oriented JCL
4902 debugger is entered. The JCL debugger displays appropriate OS/360 error
4903 messages (such as IEC703, "disk error") and allows you to dequeue your job.
4905 === ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ========================
4907 The garbage collector now works. In addition a new, experimental garbage
4908 collection algorithm has been installed. With SI:%DSK-GC-QLX-BITS set to 17,
4909 (NOT the default) the old garbage collection algorithm remains in force; when
4910 virtual storage is filled, the machine cold boots itself. With SI:%DSK-GC-
4911 QLX-BITS set to 23, the new garbage collector is enabled. Unlike most garbage
4912 collectors, the new gc starts its mark phase from the mind of the user, rather
4913 than from the obarray. This allows the garbage collection of significantly
4914 more Qs. As the garbage collector runs, it may ask you something like "Do you
4915 remember what SI:RDTBL-TRANS does?", and if you can't give a reasonable answer
4916 in thirty seconds, the symbol becomes a candidate for GCing. The variable
4917 SI:%GC-QLX-LUSER-TM governs how long the GC waits before timing out the user.
4919 === ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ========================
4921 There has been some confusion concerning MAPCAR.
4922 (DEFUN MAPCAR (&FUNCTIONAL FCN &EVAL &REST LISTS)
4926 (%START-FUNCTION-CALL FCN T (LENGTH LISTS) NIL)
4928 (AND (NULL (CAR LP)) (RETURN V))
4930 (RPLACA LP (CDAR LP))
4933 L2 (%FINISH-FUNCTION-CALL FCN T (LENGTH LISTS) NIL)
4935 (RPLACD P (SETQ P (NCONS LP)))
4937 We hope this clears up the many questions we've had about it.
4939 **** CONVENTION REMINDER
4941 No experiment was approved for the convention by the Human Subjects
4942 Committee of the Psychiatric Convention Planning Team. If you notice
4943 smoke coming from under a closed door, if you find a body on the hotel
4944 carpet, or if you just meet someone who orders you to press a button
4945 marked "450 volts", react as you would normally.
4947 **** GROWTH CENTER REPAIR SERVICE
4949 For those who have had too much of Esalen, Topanga, and Kairos.
4950 Tired of being genuine all the time? Would you like to learn how
4951 to be a little phony again? Have you disclosed so much that you're
4952 beginning to avoid people? Have you touched so many people that
4953 they're all beginning to feel the same? Like to be a little dependent?
4954 Are perfect orgasms beginning to bore you? Would you like, for once,
4955 not to express a feeling? Or better yet, not be in touch with it at
4956 all? Come to us. We promise to relieve you of the burden of your
4959 I. Any body suspended in space will remain in space until made aware of
4961 Daffy Duck steps off a cliff, expecting further pastureland. He
4962 loiters in midair, soliloquizing flippantly, until he chances to
4963 look down. At this point, the familiar principle of 32 feet per
4964 second per second takes over.
4965 II. Any body in motion will tend to remain in motion until solid matter
4966 intervenes suddenly.
4967 Whether shot from a cannon or in hot pursuit on foot, cartoon
4968 characters are so absolute in their momentum that only a telephone
4969 pole or an outsize boulder retards their forward motion absolutely.
4970 Sir Isaac Newton called this sudden termination of motion the
4972 III. Any body passing through solid matter will leave a perforation
4973 conforming to its perimeter.
4974 Also called the silhouette of passage, this phenomenon is the
4975 speciality of victims of directed-pressure explosions and of reckless
4976 cowards who are so eager to escape that they exit directly through
4977 the wall of a house, leaving a cookie-cutout-perfect hole. The
4978 threat of skunks or matrimony often catalyzes this reaction.
4979 -- Esquire, "O'Donnell's Laws of Cartoon Motion", June 1980
4981 1. I'm Not Rudolph; That's Not My Nose
4982 2. The Nutcracker Swede
4983 3. Santa Goes Round-The-World
4985 5. Ninja Reindeer Killfest '88
4986 6. Yes, Yes, Oh God Yes, Virginia
4989 9. Santa's Magic Lap
4990 10. Hot Buttered Elves
4991 -- David Letterman's "Top Ten Christmas Movies in Times
4994 ... A solemn, unsmiling, sanctimonious old iceberg who looked like he
4995 was waiting for a vacancy in the Trinity.
4998 ... a thing called Ethics, whose nature was confusing but if you had it you
4999 were a High-Class Realtor and if you hadn't you were a shyster, a piker and
5000 a fly-by-night. These virtues awakened Confidence and enabled you to handle
5001 Bigger Propositions. But they didn't imply that you were to be impractical
5002 and refuse to take twice the value for a house if a buyer was such an idiot
5003 that he didn't force you down on the asking price.
5004 -- Sinclair Lewis, "Babbitt"
5006 -- All articles that coruscate with resplendence are not truly auriferous.
5007 -- When there are visible vapors having the prevenience in ignited
5008 carbonaceous materials, there is conflagration.
5009 -- Sorting on the part of mendicants must be interdicted.
5010 -- A plethora of individuals wither expertise in culinary techniques vitiated
5011 the potable concoction produced by steeping certain coupestibles.
5012 -- Eleemosynary deeds have their initial incidence intramurally.
5013 -- Male cadavers are incapable of yielding testimony.
5014 -- Individuals who make their abode in vitreous edifices would be well
5015 advised to refrain from catapulting projectiles.
5017 =============== ALL FRESHMEN PLEASE NOTE ===============
5019 To minimize scheduling confusion, please realize that if you are taking one
5020 course which is offered at only one time on a given day, and another which is
5021 offered at all times on that day, the second class will be arranged as to
5022 afford maximum inconvenience to the student. For example, if you happen
5023 to work on campus, you will have 1-2 hours between classes. If you commute,
5024 there will be a minimum of 6 hours between the two classes.
5026 "... all the good computer designs are bootlegged; the formally planned
5027 products, if they are built at all, are dogs!"
5028 -- David E. Lundstrom, "A Few Good Men From Univac",
5031 ... an anecdote from IBM's Yorktown Heights Research Center. When a
5032 programmer used his new computer terminal, all was fine when he was sitting
5033 down, but he couldn't log in to the system when he was standing up. That
5034 behavior was 100 percent repeatable: he could always log in when sitting and
5035 never when standing.
5037 Most of us just sit back and marvel at such a story; how could that terminal
5038 know whether the poor guy was sitting or standing? Good debuggers, though,
5039 know that there has to be a reason. Electrical theories are the easiest to
5040 hypothesize: was there a loose with under the carpet, or problems with static
5041 electricity? But electrical problems are rarely consistently reproducible.
5042 An alert IBMer finally noticed that the problem was in the terminal's keyboard:
5043 the tops of two keys were switched. When the programmer was seated he was a
5044 touch typist and the problem went unnoticed, but when he stood he was led
5045 astray by hunting and pecking.
5046 -- from the Programming Pearls column,
5047 by Jon Bentley in CACM February 1985
5049 ... Another writer again agreed with all my generalities, but said that as an
5050 inveterate skeptic I have closed my mind to the truth. Most notably I have
5051 ignored the evidence for an Earth that is six thousand years old. Well, I
5052 haven't ignored it; I considered the purported evidence and *then* rejected
5053 it. There is a difference, and this is a difference, we might say, between
5054 prejudice and postjudice. Prejudice is making a judgment before you have
5055 looked at the facts. Postjudice is making a judgment afterwards. Prejudice
5056 is terrible, in the sense that you commit injustices and you make serious
5057 mistakes. Postjudice is not terrible. You can't be perfect of course; you
5058 may make mistakes also. But it is permissible to make a judgment after you
5059 have examined the evidence. In some circles it is even encouraged.
5060 -- Carl Sagan, "The Burden of Skepticism"
5062 ... Any resemblance between the above views and those of my employer,
5063 my terminal, or the view out my window are purely coincidental. Any
5064 resemblance between the above and my own views is non-deterministic. The
5065 question of the existence of views in the absence of anyone to hold them
5066 is left as an exercise for the reader. The question of the existence of
5067 the reader is left as an exercise for the second god coefficient. (A
5068 discussion of non-orthogonal, non-integral polytheism is beyond the scope
5071 "... bleakness... desolation... plastic forks..."
5072 -- Zippy the Pinhead
5074 ... But if we laugh with derision, we will never understand. Human
5075 intellectual capacity has not altered for thousands of years so far as we
5076 can tell. If intelligent people invested intense energy in issues that now
5077 seem foolish to us, then the failure lies in our understanding of their
5078 world, not in their distorted perceptions. Even the standard example of
5079 ancient nonsense -- the debate about angels on pinheads -- makes sense once
5080 you realize that theologians were not discussing whether five or eighteen
5081 would fit, but whether a pin could house a finite or an infinite number.
5082 -- S. J. Gould, "Wide Hats and Narrow Minds"
5084 ... C++ offers even more flexible control over the visibility of member
5085 objects and member functions. Specifically, members may be placed in the
5086 public, private, or protected parts of a class. Members declared in the
5087 public parts are visible to all clients; members declared in the private
5088 parts are fully encapsulated; and members declared in the protected parts
5089 are visible only to the class itself and its subclasses. C++ also supports
5090 the notion of *friends*: cooperative classes that are permitted to see each
5091 other's private parts.
5092 -- Grady Booch, "Object Oriented Design with Applications"
5094 ... computer hardware progress is so fast. No other technology since
5095 civilization began has seen six orders of magnitude in performance-price
5099 ... difference of opinion is advantagious in religion. The several sects
5100 perform the office of a common censor morum over each other. Is uniformity
5101 attainable? Millions of innocent men, women, and children, since the
5102 introduction of Christianity, have been burnt, tortured, fined, imprisoned;
5103 yet we have not advanced one inch towards uniformity.
5104 -- Thomas Jefferson, "Notes on Virginia"
5106 <<<<< EVACUATION ROUTE <<<<<
5108 ... "fire" does not matter, "earth" and "air" and "water" do not matter.
5109 "I" do not matter. No word matters. But man forgets reality and remembers
5110 words. The more words he remembers, the cleverer do his fellows esteem him.
5111 He looks upon the great transformations of the world, but he does not see
5112 them as they were seen when man looked upon reality for the first time.
5113 Their names come to his lips and he smiles as he tastes them, thinking he
5114 knows them in the naming.
5115 -- Roger Zelazny, "Lord of Light"
5117 "... gentlemen do not read each other's mail."
5118 -- Secretary of State Henry Stimson, on closing down
5119 the Black Chamber, the precursor to the National
5126 ... if the church put in half the time on covetousness that it does
5127 on lust, this would be a better world.
5128 -- Garrison Keillor, "Lake Wobegon Days"
5130 **** IMPORTANT **** ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ****
5132 Due to a recent systems overload error your recent disk files have been
5133 erased. Therefore, in accordance with the UNIX Basic Manual, University of
5134 Washington Geophysics Manual, and Bylaw 9(c), Section XII of the Revised
5135 Federal Communications Act, you are being granted Temporary Disk Space,
5136 valid for three months from this date, subject to the restrictions set forth
5137 in Appendix II of the Federal Communications Handbook (18th edition) as well
5138 as the references mentioned herein. You may apply for more disk space at any
5139 time. Disk usage in or above the eighth percentile will secure the removal
5140 of all restrictions and you will immediately receive your permanent disk
5141 space. Disk usage in the sixth or seventh percentile will not effect the
5142 validity of your temporary disk space, though its expiration date may be
5143 extended for a period of up to three months. A score in the fifth percentile
5144 or below will result in the withdrawal of your Temporary Disk space.
5146 ... in three to eight years we will have a machine with the general
5147 intelligence of an average human being ... The machine will begin
5148 to educate itself with fantastic speed. In a few months it will be
5149 at genius level and a few months after that its powers will be
5151 -- Marvin Minsky, LIFE Magazine, November 20, 1970
5153 >>> Internal error in fortune program:
5154 >>> fnum=2987 n=45 flag=1 goose_level=-232323
5155 >>> Please write down these values and notify fortune program administrator.
5157 : is not an identifier
5159 ... it is easy to be blinded to the essential uselessness of them by the
5160 sense of achievement you get from getting them to work at all. In other
5161 words... their fundamental design flaws are completely hidden by their
5162 superficial design flaws.
5163 -- The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, on the products
5164 of the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation.
5166 ... it still remains true that as a set of cognitive beliefs about the
5167 existence of God in any recognizable sense continuous with the great
5168 systems of the past, religious doctrines constitute a speculative
5169 hypothesis of an extremely low order of probability.
5172 ... Jesus cried with a loud voice: Lazarus, come forth; the bug hath been
5173 found and thy program runneth. And he that was dead came forth...
5176 "... like, what do they mean when they say 'feminine protection'?
5177 What's that? A chartreuse flamethrower?"
5180 -- Male cadavers are incapable of yielding testimony.
5181 -- Individuals who make their abode in vitreous edifices would be well advised
5182 to refrain from catapulting projectiles.
5183 -- Neophyte's serendipity.
5184 -- Exclusive dedication to necessitious chores without interludes of hedonistic
5185 diversion renders John a hebetudinous fellow.
5186 -- A revolving concretion of earthy or mineral matter accumulates no congeries
5187 of small, green bryophytic plant.
5188 -- Abstention from any aleatory undertaking precludes a potential escallation
5189 of a lucrative nature.
5190 -- Missiles of ligneous or osteal consistency have the potential of fracturing
5191 osseous structure, but appellations will eternally remain innocuous.
5193 ** MAXIMUM TERMINALS ACTIVE. TRY AGAIN LATER **
5195 -- Neophyte's serendipity.
5196 -- Exclusive dedication to necessitious chores without interludes of
5197 hedonistic diversion renders John a hebetudinous fellow.
5198 -- A revolving concretion of earthy or mineral matter accumulates no
5199 congeries of small, green bryophytic plant.
5200 -- The person presenting the ultimate cachinnation possesses thereby the
5201 optimal cachinnation.
5202 -- Abstention from any aleatory undertaking precludes a potential
5203 escallation of a lucrative nature.
5204 -- Missiles of ligneous or osteal consistency have the potential of
5205 fracturing osseous structure, but appellations will eternally
5210 Archaeologists find PDP-11/24 inside brain cavity of fossilized dinosaur
5211 skeleton! Many Digital users fear that RSX-11M may be even more primitive
5212 than DEC admits. Price adjustments at 11:00.
5214 *
\a\a\a** NEWSFLASH ***
5215 Russian tanks steamrolling through New Jersey!!!!
5218 ... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that,
5219 lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of
5223 ... proper attention to Earthly needs of the poor, the depressed and the
5224 downtrodden, would naturally evolve from dynamic, articulate, spirited
5225 awareness of the great goals for Man and the society he conspired to erect.
5226 -- David Baker, paraphrasing Harold Urey, in
5227 "The History of Manned Space Flight"
5229 -- Scintillate, scintillate, asteroid minikin.
5230 -- Members of an avian species of identical plumage congregate.
5231 -- Surveillance should precede saltation.
5232 -- Pulchritude possesses solely cutaneous profundity.
5233 -- It is fruitless to become lachrymose over precipitately departed
5235 -- Freedom from incrustations of grime is contiguous to rectitude.
5236 -- It is fruitless to attempt to indoctrinate a superannuated
5237 canine with innovative maneuvers.
5238 -- Eschew the implement of correction and vitiate the scion.
5239 -- The temperature of the aqueous content of an unremittingly
5240 galled saucepan does not reach 212 degrees Fahrenheit.
5242 ... So the documentary-makers stick with sharks. Generally, their
5243 procedure is to scatter bleeding fish pieces around their boat, so as
5244 to infest the waters. I would estimate that the primary food source of
5245 sharks today is bleeding fish pieces scattered by people making
5246 documentaries. Once the sharks arrive, they are generally fairly
5247 listless. The general shark attitude seems to be: "Oh God, another
5248 documentary." So the divers have to somehow goad them into attacking,
5249 under the guise of Scientific Research. "We know very little about the
5250 effect of electricity on sharks," the narrator will say, in a deeply
5251 scientific voice. "That is why Todd is going to jab this Great White
5252 in the testicles with a cattle prod." The divers keep this kind of
5253 thing up until the shark finally gets irritated and snaps at them, and
5254 then they act as though this was a totally unexpected and very
5255 dangerous development, although clearly it is what they wanted all along.
5256 -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV"
5258 ***** Special AI Seminar (abstract)
5260 It has been widely recognized that AI programs require expert knowledge
5261 in order to perform well in complex domains. But knowledge alone is not
5262 sufficient for some applications; wisdom is needed as well. Accordingly,
5263 we have developed a new approach to artificial intelligence which we call
5264 "wisdom engineering". As a test of our ideas, we have written IMMANUEL, a
5265 wisdom based system for the task domain of western philosophical thought.
5266 IMMANUEL was supplied initially with 200 wisdom units which contained wisdom
5267 about such elementary concepts as mind, matter, being, nothingness, and so
5268 forth. IMMANUEL was then allowed to run freely, guided by the heuristic
5269 rules contained in its heterarchically organized meta wisdom base. IMMANUEL
5270 succeeded in rediscovering most of the important philosophical ideas developed
5271 in western culture over the course of the last 25 centuries, including those
5272 underlying Plato's theory of government, Kant's metaphysics, Nietzsche's theory
5273 of value, and Husserl's phenomenology. In this seminar, we will describe
5274 IMMANUEL's achievements and internal architecture. We will also briefly
5275 discuss our recent efforts to apply wisdom engineering to oil exploration.
5277 -- THE BATES MOTEL --
5282 Norman, knock loudly,
5287 -- The writing implement is more potent than the claymore.
5288 -- All articles that coruscate with resplendence are not truly auriferous.
5289 -- When there are visible vapors having the prevenience in ignited carbonaceous
5290 materials, there is conflagration.
5291 -- Sorting on the part of mendicants must be interdicted.
5292 -- A plethora of individuals wither expertise in culinary techniques vitiated
5293 the potable concoction produced by steeping certain coupestibles.
5294 -- The person presenting the ultimate cachinnation possesses thereby the
5295 optimal cachinnation.
5296 -- Eleemosynary deeds have their initial incidence intramurally.
5298 ... there are about 5,000 people who are part of that committee. These guys
5299 have a hard time sorting out what day to meet, and whether to eat croissants
5300 or doughnuts for breakfast -- let alone how to define how all these complex
5301 layers that are going to be agreed upon.
5302 -- Craig Burton of Novell, Network World
5304 ... TheysaidDoyouseethebiggreenglowinthedarkhouseuponthehill?andIsaidYesIsee
5305 thebiggreenglowinthedarkhouseuponthehillTheresabigdarkforestbetweenmeandthe
5306 biggreenglowinthedarkhouseuponthehillandalittleoldladyridingonaHoovervacuum
5307 cleanersayingIllgetyoumyprettyandyourlittledogTototoo ...
5309 I don't even *HAVE* a dog Toto...
5311 ... this is an awesome sight. The entire rebel resistance buried under six
5312 million hardbound copies of "The Naked Lunch."
5313 -- The Firesign Theater
5315 ... though his invention worked superbly -- his theory was a crock of sewage
5316 from beginning to end.
5317 -- Vernor Vinge, "The Peace War"
5320 e dUdX, e dX, cosine, secant, tangent, sine, 3.14159...
5322 * UNIX is a Trademark of Bell Laboratories.
5324 VII. Certain bodies can pass through solid walls painted to resemble tunnel
5325 entrances; others cannot.
5326 This trompe l'oeil inconsistency has baffled generations, but at least
5327 it is known that whoever paints an entrance on a wall's surface to
5328 trick an opponent will be unable to pursue him into this theoretical
5329 space. The painter is flattened against the wall when he attempts to
5330 follow into the painting. This is ultimately a problem of art, not
5332 VIII. Any violent rearrangement of feline matter is impermanent.
5333 Cartoon cats possess even more deaths than the traditional nine lives
5334 might comfortably afford. They can be decimated, spliced, splayed,
5335 accordion-pleated, spindled, or disassembled, but they cannot be
5336 destroyed. After a few moments of blinking self pity, they reinflate,
5337 elongate, snap back, or solidify.
5338 IX. For every vengeance there is an equal and opposite revengeance.
5339 This is the one law of animated cartoon motion that also applies to
5340 the physical world at large. For that reason, we need the relief of
5341 watching it happen to a duck instead.
5342 X. Everything falls faster than an anvil.
5343 Examples too numerous to mention from the Roadrunner cartoons.
5344 -- Esquire, "O'Donnell's Laws of Cartoon Motion", June 1980
5348 ... we must counterpose the overwhelming judgment provided by consistent
5349 observations and inferences by the thousands. The earth is billions of
5350 years old and its living creatures are linked by ties of evolutionary
5351 descent. Scientists stand accused of promoting dogma by so stating, but
5352 do we brand people illiberal when they proclaim that the earth is neither
5353 flat nor at the center of the universe? Science *has* taught us some
5354 things with confidence! Evolution on an ancient earth is as well
5355 established as our planet's shape and position. Our continuing struggle
5356 to understand how evolution happens (the "theory of evolution") does not
5357 cast our documentation of its occurrence -- the "fact of evolution" --
5359 -- Stephen Jay Gould, "The Verdict on Creationism",
5360 The Skeptical Inquirer, Vol. XII No. 2.
5362 ... when fits of creativity run strong, more than one programmer or writer
5363 has been known to abandon the desktop for the more spacious floor.
5366 ... which reminds me of the Carrot family: Ma Carrot, Pa Carrot, and Baby
5367 Carrot. One fine spring day they decided to go out for a picnic. They all
5368 piled into their carrot-mobile and drive out to the country. But Pa Carrot
5369 wasn't watching where he was going and alas, he hit an oil slick and skidded
5370 right into a tree. Ma and Pa Carrot escaped with a few cuts and bruises, but
5371 poor Baby Carrot got broken in two. They frantically rushed him to the
5372 hospital and immediately the doctors started operating in a desperate attempt
5373 to save Baby Carrot's life. Ma and Pa Carrot were beside themselves with
5374 anxiety ... would poor little Baby Carrot make it?
5375 After hours of waiting the doctor finally emerges, bleary-eyed and
5376 barely able to walk.
5377 "Is he all right, is he all right?" Pa Carrot frantically stammers.
5378 "Well, I have some good news and some bad news," replies the doctor.
5379 Ma and Pa Carrot look at each other and blurt out, nearly in unison,
5380 "The good news first!"
5381 "All right, the good news is that Baby Carrot will live."
5382 "And the bad news? What's the bad news about our Baby Carrot?"
5383 The doctor puts his hand on Pa Carrot's shoulder and solemnly looks him in
5384 the eye. "Your son will live... but... he'll be a vegetable for the rest of
5387 !07/11 PDP a ni deppart m'I !pleH
5389 1: A sheet of paper is an ink-lined plane.
5390 2: An inclined plane is a slope up.
5391 3: A slow pup is a lazy dog.
5393 QED: A sheet of paper is a lazy dog.
5394 -- Willard Espy, "An Almanac of Words at Play"
5396 (1) Office employees will daily sweep the floors, dust the
5397 furniture, shelves, and showcases.
5398 (2) Each day fill lamps, clean chimneys, and trim wicks.
5399 Wash the windows once a week.
5400 (3) Each clerk will bring a bucket of water and a scuttle of
5401 coal for the day's business.
5402 (4) Make your pens carefully. You may whittle nibs to your
5404 (5) This office will open at 7 a.m. and close at 8 p.m. except
5405 on the Sabbath, on which day we will remain closed. Each
5406 employee is expected to spend the Sabbath by attending
5407 church and contributing liberally to the cause of the Lord.
5408 -- "Office Worker's Guide", New England Carriage
5411 1 + 1 = 3, for large values of 1.
5413 1. If it doesn't smell like chilli, it probably isn't.
5414 2. If you catch an exploding manhole cover, you can keep it.
5415 3. Cabs driving on the sidewalk are not permitted to pick up passengers.
5416 4. It's bad manners to lie down inside someone else's chalk body outline.
5417 5. Don't lick food from a stranger's beard.
5418 6. Avoid paperwork for your next of kin by keeping dental records on you.
5419 7. Jon Gotti Always has the right of way.
5420 8. Yelling at cab drivers in English wastes your time and theirs.
5421 9. Remember: Regular hot dogs do not have fingernails.
5422 10. The city does not employ so called "Wallet Inspectors".
5423 -- David Letterman, "Top Ten New York City Pedestrian Tips"
5425 [1] Alexander the Great was a great general.
5426 [2] Great generals are forewarned.
5427 [3] Forewarned is forearmed.
5428 [4] Four is an even number.
5429 [5] Four is certainly an odd number of arms for a man to have.
5430 [6] The only number that is both even and odd is infinity.
5431 Therefore, Alexander the Great had an infinite number of arms.
5433 [1] Alexander the Great was a great general.
5434 [2] Great generals are forewarned.
5435 [3] Forewarned is forearmed.
5436 [4] Four is an even number.
5437 [5] Four is certainly an odd number of arms for a man to have.
5438 [6] The only number that is both even and odd is infinity.
5439 Therefore, all horses are black.
5441 1. Avoid fried meats which angry up the blood.
5442 2. If your stomach antagonizes you, pacify it with cool thoughts.
5443 3. Keep the juices flowing by jangling around gently as you move.
5444 4. Go very lightly on the vices, such as carrying on in society, as
5445 the social ramble ain't restful.
5446 5. Avoid running at all times.
5447 6. Don't look back, something might be gaining on you.
5448 -- S. Paige, c. 1951
5450 1 Billion dollars of budget deficit = 1 Gramm-Rudman
5451 6.023 x 10 to the 23rd power alligator pears = Avocado's number
5453 Basic unit of Laryngitis = The Hoarsepower
5454 Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line
5455 6 Curses = 1 Hexahex
5456 3500 Calories = 1 Food Pound
5457 1 Mole = 007 Secret Agents
5458 1 Mole = 25 Cagey Bees
5459 1 Dog Pound = 16 oz. of Alpo
5460 1000 beers served at a Twins game = 1 Killibrew
5461 2.4 statute miles of surgical tubing at Yale U. = 1 I.V.League
5462 2000 pounds of chinese soup = 1 Won Ton
5463 10 to the minus 6th power mouthwashes = 1 Microscope
5464 Speed of a tortoise breaking the sound barrier = 1 Machturtle
5465 8 Catfish = 1 Octo-puss
5466 365 Days of drinking Lo-Cal beer. = 1 Lite-year
5467 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling
5468 Force needed to accelerate 2.2lbs of cookies = 1 Fig-newton
5469 to 1 meter per second
5470 One half large intestine = 1 Semicolon
5471 10 to the minus 6th power Movie = 1 Microfilm
5472 1000 pains = 1 Megahertz
5473 1 Word = 1 Millipicture
5474 1 Sagan = Billions & Billions
5475 1 Angstrom: measure of computer anxiety = 1000 nail-bytes
5476 10 to the 12th power microphones = 1 Megaphone
5477 10 to the 6th power Bicycles = 2 megacycles
5478 The amount of beauty required launch 1 ship = 1 Millihelen
5482 1) Everything depends.
5483 2) Nothing is always.
5484 3) Everything is sometimes.
5486 1) Never draw what you can copy.
5487 2) Never copy what you can trace.
5488 3) Never trace what you can cut out and paste down.
5490 1. Never give anything away for nothing. 2. Never give more than
5491 you have to (always catch the buyer hungry and always make him wait).
5492 3. Always take back everything if you possibly can.
5493 -- William S. Burroughs, on drug pushing
5495 1: No code table for op: ++post
5498 2) X^2=XY ; Multiply both sides by X
5499 3) X^2-Y^2=XY-Y^2 ; Subtract Y^2 from both sides
5500 4) (X+Y)(X-Y)=Y(X-Y) ; Factor
5501 5) X+Y=Y ; Cancel out (X-Y) term
5502 6) 2Y=Y ; Substitute X for Y, by equation 1
5503 7) 2=1 ; Divide both sides by Y
5504 -- "Omni", proof that 2 equals 1
5506 10. Not everybody looks good naked.
5507 9. Joe Garagiola was a hell of an emcee.
5508 8. Joe Cocker really should stick with decaffeinated coffee.
5509 7. Fringe! Fringe! Fringe!
5510 6. If you've got 72 hours to kill, you can probably find room for Sha Na Na.
5511 5. Never attend an event with a 50,000 to 1 person to Port-A-San ratio.
5512 4. Bellbottoms will never go out of style.
5513 3. A drum solo cannot be too long.
5514 2. I, David Letterman, will never rent out my farm again.
5515 1. We are stardust. We are golden. We are going to look really stupid to
5517 -- David Letterman, Top Ten Lessons of Woodstock
5519 10 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Woman:
5521 1. A beer won't make you go to church.
5522 2. A beer is more likely to know how to spell "carburetor" than a woman.
5523 3. A beer doesn't think baseball is stupid simply because the guys spit.
5524 4. A beer doesn't give a [expletive deleted] if you keep a bunch of
5525 other beers on the side.
5526 5. A beer will not call you a sexist pig if you say "doberman" instead of
5528 6. A beer won't get a job as a DJ and play 5 straight hours of lesbian
5529 folk music on yer fave radio station.
5530 7. A beer understands why The Three Stooges are funny.
5531 8. A beer won't raise a fuss about a little thing like leaving the
5533 9. A beer doesn't think that a "three-hundred-fifty cubic-inch V8" is an
5534 enormous can of vegetable juice.
5535 10. A beer won't smoke in your car.
5537 100 buckets of bits on the bus
5539 Take one down, short it to ground
5540 FF buckets of bits on the bus
5542 FF buckets of bits on the bus
5544 Take one down, short it to ground
5545 FE buckets of bits on the bus...
5549 $100 placed at 7 percent interest compounded quarterly for 200 years will
5550 increase to more than $100,000,000 -- by which time it will be worth nothing.
5551 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough For Love"
5553 10.0 times 0.1 is hardly ever 1.0.
5557 1/2 oz. rum (preferably dark)
5560 1/2 oz. orange juice
5563 shake with ice and strain into frosted glass.
5564 Long Island Iced Tea
5568 17. HO HUM -- The Redundant
5570 ------- (7) This hexagram refers to a situation of extreme
5571 --- --- (8) boredom. Your programs always bomb off. Your wife
5572 ------- (7) smells bad. Your children have hives. You are working
5573 ---O--- (6) on an accounting system, when you want to develop
5574 ---X--- (9) the GREAT AMERICAN COMPILER. You give up hot dates
5575 --- --- (8) to nurse sick computers. What you need now is sex.
5577 Nine in the second place means:
5578 The yellow bird approaches the malt shop. Misfortune.
5580 Six in the third place means:
5581 In former times men built altars to honor the Internal
5582 Revenue Service. Great Dragons! Are you in trouble!
5584 17th Rule of Friendship:
5586 A friend will refrain from telling you he picked up the same amount
5587 of life insurance coverage you did for half the price when yours is
5589 -- Esquire, May 1977
5591 186,000 miles per second:
5592 It isn't just a good idea, it's the law!
5594 1893 The ideal brain tonic
5595 1900 Drink Coca-Cola -- delicious and refreshing -- 5 cents at all
5597 1905 Is the favorite drink for LADIES when thirsty -- weary -- despondent
5598 1905 Refreshes the weary, brightens the intellect and clears the brain
5599 1906 The drink of QUALITY
5600 1907 Good to the last drop
5601 1907 It satisfies the thirst and pleases the palate
5602 1907 Refreshing as a summer breeze. Delightful as a Dip in the Sea
5603 1908 The Drink that Cheers but does not inebriate
5604 1917 There's a delicious freshness to the taste of Coca-Cola
5605 1919 It satisfies thirst
5606 1919 The taste is the test
5607 1922 Every glass holds the answer to thirst
5608 1922 Thirst knows no season
5609 1925 Enjoy the sociable drink
5610 -- Coca-Cola slogans
5612 1925 With a drink so good, 'tis folly to be thirsty
5613 1929 The high sign of refreshment
5614 1929 The pause that refreshes
5615 1930 It had to be good to get where it is
5616 1932 The drink that makes a pause refreshing
5617 1935 The pause that brings friends together
5618 1937 STOP for a pause... GO refreshed
5619 1938 The best friend thirst ever had
5620 1939 Thirst stops here
5621 1942 It's the real thing
5623 1961 Zing! what a REFRESHING NEW FEELING
5624 1963 Things go better with Coke
5625 1969 Face Uncle Sam with a Coke in your hand
5626 1979 Have a Coke and a smile
5628 -- Coca-Cola slogans
5630 1st graffitiest: QUESTION AUTHORITY!
5632 2nd graffitiest: Why?
5637 Not the famous irrational number PI, but an incredible simulation.
5639 3M, under the Scotch brand name, manufactures a fine adhesive for art
5640 and display work. This product is called "Craft Mount". 3M suggests
5641 that to obtain the best results, one should make the bond "while the
5642 adhesive is wet, aggressively tacky." I did not know what "aggressively
5643 tacky" meant until I read today's fortune.
5645 [And who said we didn't offer equal time, huh? Ed.]
5647 3rd Law of Computing:
5648 Anything that can go wr
5649 fortune: Segmentation violation -- Core dumped
5651 40 isn't old. If you're a tree.
5653 4.2 BSD UNIX #57: Sun Jun 1 23:02:07 EDT 1986
5655 You swing at the Sun. You miss. The Sun swings. He hits you with a
5656 575MB disk! You read the 575MB disk. It is written in an alien
5657 tongue and cannot be read by your tired Sun-2 eyes. You throw the
5658 575MB disk at the Sun. You hit! The Sun must repair your eyes. The
5659 Sun reads a scroll. He hits your 130MB disk! He has defeated the
5660 130MB disk! The Sun reads a scroll. He hits your Ethernet board! He
5661 has defeated your Ethernet board! You read a scroll of "postpone until
5662 Monday at 9 AM". Everything goes dark...
5663 -- /etc/motd, cbosgd
5665 (6) Men employees will be given time off each week for courting
5666 purposes, or two evenings a week if they go regularly to church.
5667 (7) After an employee has spent his thirteen hours of labor in the
5668 office, he should spend the remaining time reading the Bible
5669 and other good books.
5670 (8) Every employee should lay aside from each pay packet a goodly
5671 sum of his earnings for his benefit during his declining years,
5672 so that he will not become a burden on society or his betters.
5673 (9) Any employee who smokes Spanish cigars, uses alcoholic drink
5674 in any form, frequents pool tables and public halls, or gets
5675 shaved in a barber's shop, will give me good reason to suspect
5676 his worth, intentions, integrity and honesty.
5677 (10) The employee who has performed his labours faithfully and
5678 without a fault for five years, will be given an increase of
5679 five cents per day in his pay, providing profits from the
5681 -- "Office Worker's Guide", New England Carriage
5689 7:30, Channel 5: The Bionic Dog (Action/Adventure)
5690 The Bionic Dog drinks too much and kicks over the National
5693 7:30, Channel 8: The Bionic Dog (Action/Adventure)
5694 The Bionic Dog gets a hormonal short-circuit and violates the
5695 Mann Act with an interstate Greyhound bus.
5697 90% of the work takes 90% of the time.
5698 The remaining 10% takes the other 90% of the time.
5700 94% of the women in America are beautiful
5701 and the rest hang out around here.
5703 99 blocks of crud on the disk,
5705 You patch a bug, and dump it again:
5706 100 blocks of crud on the disk!
5708 100 blocks of crud on the disk,
5710 You patch a bug, and dump it again:
5711 101 blocks of crud on the disk!
5713 A truly great man will neither trample on a worm nor sneak to an emperor.
5716 A baby is an alimentary canal with a loud voice
5717 at one end and no responsibility at the other.
5719 A bachelor is a man who never made the same mistake once.
5721 A bachelor is a selfish, undeserving guy
5722 who has cheated some woman out of a divorce.
5725 A bachelor is an unaltared male.
5727 A bachelor never quite gets over the idea that he is a thing of beauty
5731 A bad marriage is like a horse with a broken leg, you can shoot
5732 the horse, but it don't fix the leg.
5734 A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and
5735 ask for it back the when it begins to rain.
5738 A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the
5739 sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
5742 A beautiful woman is a blessing from Heaven, but a good cigar is a smoke.
5745 A beautiful woman is a picture which drives all beholders nobly mad.
5748 A beer delayed is a beer denied.
5750 A beginning is the time for taking the
5751 most delicate care that balances are correct.
5752 -- Princess Irulan, "Manual of Maud'Dib"
5754 A billion here, a billion there -- pretty soon it adds up to real money.
5755 -- Sen. Everett Dirksen, on the U.S. defense budget
5757 A billion seconds ago Harry Truman was president.
5758 A billion minutes ago was just after the time of Christ.
5759 A billion hours ago man had not yet walked on earth.
5760 A billion dollars ago was late yesterday afternoon at the U.S. Treasury.
5762 A biologist, a statistician, a mathematician and a computer scientist are on
5763 a photo-safari in Africa. As they're driving along the savannah in their
5764 jeep, they stop and scout the horizon with their binoculars.
5766 The biologist: "Look! A herd of zebras! And there's a white zebra!
5767 Fantastic! We'll be famous!"
5768 The statistician: "Hey, calm down, it's not significant. We only know
5769 there's one white zebra."
5770 The mathematician: "Actually, we only know there exists a zebra, which is
5772 The computer scientist : "Oh, no! A special case!"
5774 A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.
5777 A bird in the hand is worth what it will bring.
5779 A bird in the hand makes it awfully hard to blow your nose.
5785 A black cat crossing your path signifies
5786 that the animal is going somewhere.
5789 A book is the work of a mind, doing its work in the way that a mind deems
5790 best. That's dangerous. Is the work of some mere individual mind likely to
5791 serve the aims of collectively accepted compromises, which are known in the
5792 schools as 'standards'? Any mind that would audaciously put itself forth to
5793 work all alone is surely a bad example for the students, and probably, if
5794 not downright antisocial, at least a little off-center, self-indulgent,
5795 elitist. ... It's just good pedagogy, therefore, to stay away from such
5796 stuff, and use instead, if film-strips and rap-sessions must be
5797 supplemented, 'texts,' selected, or prepared, or adapted, by real
5798 professionals. Those texts are called 'reading material.' They are the
5799 academic equivalent of the 'listening material' that fills waiting-rooms,
5800 and the 'eating material' that you can buy in thousands of convenient eating
5801 resource centers along the roads.
5802 -- The Underground Grammarian
5804 A bore is a man who talks so much about
5805 himself that you can't talk about yourself.
5807 A bore is someone who persists in holding his
5808 own views after we have enlightened him with ours.
5810 A boss with no humor is like a job that's no fun.
5812 A box without hinges, key, or lid,
5813 Yet golden treasure inside is hid.
5816 A boy can learn a lot from a dog: obedience, loyalty, and the importance
5817 of turning around three times before lying down.
5820 A boy gets to be a man when a man is needed.
5823 A budget is just a method of worrying
5824 before you spend money, as well as afterward.
5826 A bug in the code is worth two in the documentation.
5828 A bug in the hand is better than one as yet undetected.
5830 A bunch of Polish scientists decided to flee their repressive government by
5831 hijacking an airliner and forcing the pilot to fly them to the West. They
5832 drove to the airport, forced their way on board a large passenger jet, and
5833 found there was no pilot on board. Terrified, they listened as the sirens
5834 got louder. Finally, one of the scientists suggested that since he was an
5835 experimentalist, he would try to fly the aircraft.
5836 He sat down at the controls and tried to figure them out. The sirens
5837 got louder and louder. Armed men surrounded the jet. The would be pilot's
5838 friends cried out, "Please, please take off now!!! Hurry!!!"
5839 The experimentalist calmly replied, "Have patience. I'm just a simple
5840 pole in a complex plane."
5842 A bunch of the boys were whooping it in the Malemute saloon;
5843 The kid that handles the music box was hitting a jag-time tune;
5844 Back of the bar, in a solo game, sat Dangerous Dan McGrew,
5845 And watching his luck was his light-o'-love, the lady that's known as Lou.
5846 -- Robert W. Service
5848 A bureaucrat's idea of cleaning up his files
5849 is to make a copy of everything before he destroys it.
5851 A businessman is a hybrid of a dancer and a calculator.
5854 "A can of ASPARAGUS, 73 pigeons, some LIVE ammo, and a FROZEN DAIQURI!!"
5855 -- Zippy the Pinhead
5857 A candidate is a person who gets money from the rich
5858 and votes from the poor to protect them from each other.
5860 A cannibal warrior is experiencing severe gastric distress, so he goes
5861 to his Village Witch Doctor with his complaint. The VWD examines him
5862 and, concluding that something he ate disagreed with him, began to cross
5863 examine him about his recent diet.
5864 "Well, I ate a missionary yesterday. Do you think that could be
5866 The VWD says "Hmmmm." (All doctors say "Hmmmm.") "That could be.
5867 Tell me a bit about this missionary."
5868 "Well, he was tall for a white man, wearing a brown robe. He was
5869 walking down the trail, not watching for danger, so I speared him, dragged
5870 him home, cleaned him, boiled him and ate him."
5871 "Ah-hah!" (All doctors say "Ah-hah!") There's your problem," smiles
5872 the VWD. You boiled him, but he was a friar!"
5874 A career is great, but you can't run your fingers through its hair.
5876 A castaway was washed ashore after many days on the open sea. The island
5877 on which he landed was populated by savage cannibals who tied him, dazed
5878 and exhausted, to a thick stake. They then proceeded to cut his arms
5879 with their spears and drink his blood. This continued for several days
5880 until the castaway could stand no more. He yelled for the cannibal chief
5881 and declared, "You can kill me if you want to, but this torture with the
5882 spears has got to stop. Dammit, I'm tired of getting stuck for the drinks."
5884 A casual stroll through a lunatic asylum shows that faith
5885 does not prove anything.
5886 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
5888 A celebrity is a person who is known for his well-knownness.
5890 A certain amount of opposition is a help, not a hindrance.
5891 Kites rise against the wind, not with it.
5893 A certain monk had a habit of pestering the Grand Tortue (the only one who
5894 had ever reached the Enlightenment 'Yond Enlightenment), by asking whether
5895 various objects had Buddha-nature or not. To such a question Tortue
5896 invariably sat silent. The monk had already asked about a bean, a lake,
5897 and a moonlit night. One day he brought to Tortue a piece of string, and
5898 asked the same question. In reply, the Grand Tortue grasped the loop
5899 between his feet and, with a few simple manipulations, created a complex
5900 string which he proferred wordlessly to the monk. At that moment, the monk
5903 From then on, the monk did not bother Tortue. Instead, he made string after
5904 string by Tortue's method; and he passed the method on to his own disciples,
5905 who passed it on to theirs.
5907 A certain old cat had made his home in the alley behind Gabe's bar for some
5908 time, subsisting on scraps and occasional handouts from the bartender. One
5909 evening, emboldened by hunger, the feline attempted to follow Gabe through
5910 the back door. Regrettably, only the his body had made it through when
5911 the door slammed shut, severing the cat's tail at its base. This proved too
5912 much for the old creature, who looked sadly at Gabe and expired on the spot.
5913 Gabe put the carcass back out in the alley and went back to business.
5914 The mandatory closing time arrived and Gabe was in the process of locking up
5915 after the last customers had gone. Approaching the back door he was startled
5916 to see an apparition of the old cat mournfully holding its severed tail out,
5917 silently pleading for Gabe to put the tail back on its corpse so that it could
5918 go on to the kitty afterworld complete.
5919 Gabe shook his head sadly and said to the ghost, "I can't. You know
5920 the law -- no retailing spirits after 2:00 AM."
5922 A Chicago salesman was about to check into a St. Louis hotel when he noticed
5923 a very charming woman staring admiringly at him. He walked over and spoke
5924 with her for a few minutes, then returned to the front desk, where they checked
5926 After a very pleasurable three-day stay, the man approached the front
5927 desk and told the clerk he was checking out. In a few minutes, he was handed
5929 "There must be some mistake," the salesman said. "I've been here for
5931 "Yes, sir," the clerk replied. "But your wife has been here a month
5934 A chicken is an egg's way of producing more eggs.
5936 A child can go only so far in life without potty training. It is not mere
5937 coincidence that six of the last seven presidents were potty trained, not
5938 to mention nearly half of the nation's state legislators.
5941 A Christian is a man who feels repentance on Sunday for what he did on
5942 Saturday and is going to do on Monday.
5945 A chronic disposition to inquiry
5946 deprives domestic felines of vital qualities.
5948 A chubby man with a white beard and a red suit
5949 will approach you soon. Avoid him. He's a Commie.
5951 A citizen of America will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, but
5952 won't cross the street to vote in a national election.
5955 A city is a large community where people are lonesome together.
5958 A clash of doctrine is not a disaster - it is an opportunity.
5960 A classic is something that everyone wants to have read
5961 and nobody wants to read.
5962 -- Mark Twain, "The Disappearance of Literature"
5964 A clever prophet makes sure of the event first.
5966 A closed mouth gathers no foot.
5968 A cloud does not know why it moves in just such a direction and at such
5969 a speed, if feels an impulsion... this is the place to go now. But the
5970 sky knows the reasons and the patterns behind all clouds, and you will
5971 know, too, when you lift yourself high enough to see beyond horizons.
5972 -- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul
5974 A CODE OF ETHICAL BEHAVIOR FOR PATIENTS:
5976 1. DO NOT EXPECT YOUR DOCTOR TO SHARE YOUR DISCOMFORT.
5977 Involvement with the patient's suffering might cause him to lose
5978 valuable scientific objectivity.
5980 2. BE CHEERFUL AT ALL TIMES.
5981 Your doctor leads a busy and trying life and requires all the
5982 gentleness and reassurance he can get.
5984 3. TRY TO SUFFER FROM THE DISEASE FOR WHICH YOU ARE BEING TREATED.
5985 Remember that your doctor has a professional reputation to uphold.
5987 A CODE OF ETHICAL BEHAVIOR FOR PATIENTS:
5989 4. DO NOT COMPLAIN IF THE TREATMENT FAILS TO BRING RELIEF.
5990 You must believe that your doctor has achieved a deep insight into
5991 the true nature of your illness, which transcends any mere permanent
5992 disability you may have experienced.
5994 5. NEVER ASK YOUR DOCTOR TO EXPLAIN WHAT HE IS DOING OR WHY HE IS DOING IT.
5995 It is presumptuous to assume that such profound matters could be
5996 explained in terms that you would understand.
5998 6. SUBMIT TO NOVEL EXPERIMENTAL TREATMENT READILY.
5999 Though the surgery may not benefit you directly, the resulting
6000 research paper will surely be of widespread interest.
6002 A CODE OF ETHICAL BEHAVIOR FOR PATIENTS:
6004 7. PAY YOUR MEDICAL BILLS PROMPTLY AND WILLINGLY.
6005 You should consider it a privilege to contribute, however modestly,
6006 to the well-being of physicians and other humanitarians.
6008 8. DO NOT SUFFER FROM AILMENTS THAT YOU CANNOT AFFORD.
6009 It is sheer arrogance to contract illnesses that are beyond your means.
6011 9. NEVER REVEAL ANY OF THE SHORTCOMINGS THAT HAVE COME TO LIGHT IN THE COURSE
6012 OF TREATMENT BY YOUR DOCTOR.
6013 The patient-doctor relationship is a privileged one, and you have a
6014 sacred duty to protect him from exposure.
6016 10. NEVER DIE WHILE IN YOUR DOCTOR'S PRESENCE OR UNDER HIS DIRECT CARE.
6017 This will only cause him needless inconvenience and embarrassment.
6019 A Code of Honour: never approach a friend's girlfriend or wife with mischief
6020 as your goal. There are too many women in the world to justify that sort of
6021 dishonourable behaviour. Unless she's really attractive.
6022 -- Bruce J. Friedman, "Sex and the Lonely Guy"
6024 A committee is a group that keeps the minutes and loses hours.
6027 A committee is a life form with six or more legs and no brain.
6028 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough For Love"
6030 A committee takes root and grows, it flowers, wilts and dies,
6031 scattering the seed from which other committees will bloom.
6034 A commune is where people join together to share their lack of wealth.
6037 A company is known by the men it keeps.
6039 A complex system that works is invariably
6040 found to have evolved from a simple system that works.
6042 A compliment is something like a kiss through a veil.
6045 [A computer is] like an Old Testament god, with a lot of rules and no mercy.
6048 A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any other invention,
6049 with the possible exceptions of handguns and Tequila.
6052 A computer salesman visits a company president for the purpose of selling
6053 the president one of the latest talking computers.
6054 Salesman: "This machine knows everything. I can ask it any question
6055 and it'll give the correct answer. Computer, what is the
6057 Computer: 186,000 miles per second.
6058 Salesman: "Who was the first president of the United States?"
6059 Computer: George Washington.
6060 President: "I'm still not convinced. Let me ask a question.
6061 Where is my father?"
6062 Computer: Your father is fishing in Georgia.
6063 President: "Hah!! The computer is wrong. My father died over twenty
6065 Computer: Your mother's husband died 22 years ago. Your father just
6066 landed a twelve pound bass.
6068 A computer science student and a practical hacker are discussing problems
6069 the computer science student has run in to.
6071 CS Student: I have this singularly linked tail-queued list and I'm trying
6072 to make it O(1) to go backwards an item, instead of O(n)...
6073 What's the best way to go about that? Should I just use a
6074 cached hash of each item and put it into a sorted lookup
6075 table, and cache the hash of the last item in the current
6076 queue entry and then go to its place in the hash table and
6077 get the pointer value from there?
6078 Hacker: No, you should add an item to the structure named 'prev' and
6079 make it point to the previous item.
6080 CS Student: But we already have a structure element with that identifier
6081 and structure elements must have unique names within that
6083 Hacker: So call it 'previous'.
6085 And then the CS Student was enlightened.
6087 A computer scientist is someone who fixes things that aren't broken.
6089 A computer without COBOL and Fortran is like a piece of chocolate
6090 cake without ketchup and mustard.
6092 A conclusion is simply the place where someone got tired of thinking.
6094 A conference is a gathering of important people who singly can
6095 do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.
6098 A CONS is an object which cares.
6099 -- Bernie Greenberg.
6101 A conservative is a man who is too cowardly to fight and too fat to run.
6104 A conservative is a man
6105 who believes that nothing should be done for the first time.
6108 A conservative is a man
6109 with two perfectly good legs who has never learned to walk.
6110 -- Franklin D. Roosevelt
6112 A conservative is one who is too cowardly to fight and too fat to run.
6114 A couch is as good as a chair.
6116 A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats.
6119 A couple of young fellers were fishing at their special pond off the
6120 beaten track when out of the bushes jumped the Game Warden. Immediately,
6121 one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods
6122 like the proverbial bat out of hell, and hot on his heels ran the Game
6123 Warden. After about a half mile the fella stopped and stooped over with
6124 his hands on his thighs, whooping and heaving to catch his breath as the
6125 Game Warden finally caught up to him.
6126 "Let's see yer fishin' license, boy," the Warden gasped. The
6127 man pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a valid fishing
6129 "Well, son", snarled the Game Warden, "You must be about as dumb
6130 as a box of rocks! You didn't have to run if you have a license!"
6131 "Yes, sir," replied his victim, "but, well, see, my friend back
6132 there, he don't have one!"
6134 A cousin of mine once said about money,
6135 money is always there but the pockets change;
6136 it is not in the same pockets after a change,
6137 and that is all there is to say about money.
6140 A cow is a completely automated milk-manufacturing machine. It is encased
6141 in untanned leather and mounted on four vertical, movable supports, one at
6142 each corner. The front end of the machine, or input, contains the cutting
6143 and grinding mechanism, utilizing a unique feedback device. Here also are
6144 the headlights, air inlet and exhaust, a bumper and a foghorn.
6145 At the rear, the machine carries the milk-dispensing equipment as
6146 well as a built-in flyswatter and insect repeller. The central portion
6147 houses a hydro- chemical-conversion unit. Briefly, this consists of four
6148 fermentation and storage tanks connected in series by an intricate network
6149 of flexible plumbing. This assembly also contains the central heating plant
6150 complete with automatic temperature controls, pumping station and main
6151 ventilating system. The waste disposal apparatus is located to the rear of
6152 this central section.
6153 Cows are available fully-assembled in an assortment of sizes and
6154 colors. Production output ranges from 2 to 20 tons of milk per year. In
6155 brief, the main external visible features of the cow are: two lookers, two
6156 hookers, four stander-uppers, four hanger-downers, and a swishy-wishy.
6158 A critic is a bundle of biases held loosely together by a sense of taste.
6161 A "critic" is a man who creates nothing and thereby feels
6162 qualified to judge the work of creative men. There is logic
6163 in this; he is unbiased -- he hates all creative people equally.
6165 A cynic is a person searching for an honest man, with a stolen lantern.
6168 A day for firm decisions!!!!! Or is it?
6170 A day without orange juice is like a day without orange juice.
6172 A day without sunshine is like a day without Anita Bryant.
6174 A day without sunshine is like a day without orange juice.
6176 A day without sunshine is like night.
6178 A dead man cannot bite.
6179 -- Gnaeus Pompeius (Pompey)
6181 A debugged program is one for which you have
6182 not yet found the conditions that make it fail.
6185 A decade after Vietnam, we still cannot understand why "their"
6186 Salvadorans fight better than "our" Salvadorans. It is not a matter of
6187 their training or their equipment. It has to do with the quality of the
6188 society we are asking them to risk death defending. The metaphor of the
6189 domino obscures this reality, and the cost our self-imposed blindness
6190 is high. San Salvador is closer to Saigon than to Munich.
6191 -- William LeoGrande, "New York Times", 3/9/83
6193 A Difficulty for Every Solution.
6194 -- Motto of the Federal Civil Service
6196 A diplomat is a man who can convince his
6197 wife she'd look stout in a fur coat.
6199 A diplomat is a man who can tell you to
6200 go to hell and make the trip sound pleasurable.
6203 A diplomat is a person who can tell you to go to hell
6204 in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.
6205 -- Caskie Stinnett, "Out of the Red"
6207 A diplomat is man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never her age.
6210 A diplomatic husband said to his wife, "How do you expect me to remember
6211 your birthday when you never look any older?"
6213 A diplomat's life consists of three things: protocol, Geritol, and alcohol.
6216 A distraught patient phoned her doctor's office. "Was it true," the woman
6217 inquired, "that the medication the doctor had prescribed was for the rest
6219 She was told that it was. There was just a moment of silence before
6220 the woman proceeded bravely on. "Well, I'm wondering, then, how serious my
6221 condition is. This prescription is marked `NO REFILLS'".
6223 A diva who specializes in risque arias is an off-coloratura soprano.
6225 A doctor calls his patient to give him the results of his tests. "I have
6226 some bad news," says the doctor, "and some worse news." The bad news is
6227 that you only have six weeks to live."
6228 "Oh, no," says the patient. "What could possibly be worse than
6230 "Well," the doctor replies, "I've been trying to reach you since
6233 A doctor was stranded with a lawyer in a leaky life raft in shark-infested
6234 waters. The doctor tried to swim ashore but was eaten by the sharks. The
6235 lawyer, however, swam safely past the bloodthirsty sharks. "Professional
6236 courtesy," he explained.
6238 A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of.
6241 A drama critic is a person who surprises a playwright by informing him
6245 A dream will always triumph over reality, once it is given the chance.
6248 A Dublin lawyer died in poverty and many barristers of the city subscribed to
6249 a fund for his funeral. The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to donate
6250 a shilling. "Only a shilling?" exclaimed the man. "Only a shilling to bury
6251 an attorney? Here's a guinea; go and bury twenty of them."
6253 A fail-safe circuit will destroy others.
6256 A failure will not appear until a unit has passed final inspection.
6258 A fair exterior is a silent recommendation.
6261 A fake fortuneteller can be tolerated. But an authentic soothsayer
6262 should be shot on sight. Cassandra did not get half the kicking around
6266 A famous Lisp Hacker noticed an Undergraduate sitting in front of a Xerox
6267 1108, trying to edit a complex Klone network via a browser. Wanting to help,
6268 the Hacker clicked one of the nodes in the network with the mouse, and asked
6269 "what do you see?" Very earnestly, the Undergraduate replied, "I see a
6270 cursor." The Hacker then quickly pressed the boot toggle at the back of
6271 the keyboard, while simultaneously hitting the Undergraduate over the head
6272 with a thick Interlisp Manual. The Undergraduate was then Enlightened.
6274 A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject.
6275 -- Winston Churchill
6277 A farmer is a man outstanding in his field.
6279 A feed salesman is on his way to a farm. As he's driving along at forty
6280 m.p.h., he looks out his car window and sees a three-legged chicken running
6281 alongside him, keeping pace with his car. He is amazed that a chicken is
6282 running at forty m.p.h. So he speeds up to forty-five, fifty, then sixty
6283 m.p.h. The chicken keeps right up with him the whole way, then suddenly
6284 takes off and disappears into the distance.
6285 The man pulls into the farmyard and says to the farmer, "You know,
6286 the strangest thing just happened to me; I was driving along at at least
6287 sixty miles an hour and a chicken passed me like I was standing still!"
6288 "Yeah," the farmer replies, "that chicken was ours. You see, there's
6289 me, and there's Ma, and there's our son Billy. Whenever we had chicken for
6290 dinner, we would all want a drumstick, so we'd have to kill two chickens.
6291 So we decided to try and breed a three-legged chicken so each of us could
6293 "How do they taste?" said the farmer.
6294 "Don't know," replied the farmer. "We haven't been able to catch
6297 A fellow bought a new car, a Nissan, and was quite happy with his purchase.
6298 He was something of an animist, however, and felt that the car really ought
6299 to have a name. This presented a problem, as he was not sure if the name
6300 should be masculine or feminine.
6301 After considerable thought, he settled on an naming the car either
6302 Belchazar or Beaumadine, but remained in a quandry about the final choice.
6303 "Is a Nissan male or female?" he began asking his friends. Most of
6304 them looked at him peculiarly, mumbled things about urgent appointments, and
6305 went on their way rather quickly.
6306 He finally broached the question to a lady he knew who held a black
6307 belt in judo. She thought for a moment and answered "Feminine."
6308 The swiftness of her response puzzled him. "You're sure of that?" he
6310 "Certainly," she replied. "They wouldn't sell very well if they were
6312 "Unhhh... Well, why not?"
6313 "Because people want a car with a reputation for going when you want
6314 it to. And, if Nissan's are female, it's like they say... `Each Nissan, she
6317 [No, we WON'T explain it; go ask someone who practices an oriental
6318 martial art. (Tai Chi Chuan probably doesn't count.) Ed.]
6320 A few hours grace before the madness begins again.
6322 A figure with curves always offers a lot of interesting angles.
6324 A fisherman from Maine went to Alabama on his vacation. He rented a boat,
6325 rowed out to the middle of the lake, and cast his line, but when he looked
6326 down into the water he was horrified to see a man wrapped in chains lying
6327 on the bottom of the lake. He quickly rowed to shore and ran to the police
6328 station. "Sheriff, sheriff," he gasped, there's a guy wrapped in chains,
6329 drowned in the lake!"
6330 "Now ain't that jest like a Yankee," drawled the sheriff, "to steal
6331 more chain than he can swim with?"
6333 A fitter fits; Though sinners sin
6334 A cutter cuts; And thinners thin
6335 And an aircraft spotter spots; And paper-blotters blot
6336 A baby-sitter I've never yet
6337 Baby-sits -- Had letters let
6338 But an otter never ots. Or seen an otter ot.
6341 (Or scatters scats);
6342 A potting shed's for potting;
6345 Or caught an otter otting.
6348 A flashy Mercedes-Benz roared up to the curb where a cute young miss stood
6350 "Hi," said the gentleman at the wheel. "I'm going west."
6351 "How wonderful," came the cool reply. "Bring me back an orange."
6353 A fool and his honey are soon parted.
6355 A fool and his money are soon popular.
6357 A fool and your money are soon partners.
6359 A fool is a man who worries about whether or not his lover has integrity.
6360 A wise man, on the other hand, busies himself with deeper attributes.
6362 A fool must now and then be right by chance.
6364 A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds.
6365 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
6367 A fool-proof method for sculpting an elephant: first, get a huge block
6368 of marble; then you chip away everything that doesn't look like an elephant.
6370 A formal parsing algorithm should not always be used.
6373 A Fortran compiler is the hobgoblin of little minis.
6375 A fox is wolf who sends flowers.
6378 A freelance is one who gets paid by the word -- per piece or perhaps.
6381 A friend in need is a pest indeed.
6383 A friend is a present you give yourself.
6384 -- Robert Louis Stevenson
6386 A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go.
6387 You'll just be walking down the street and... Ooohh, that's much better.
6390 A friend of mine won't get a divorce, because he hates
6391 lawyers more than he hates his wife.
6393 A friend with weed is a friend indeed.
6395 A full belly makes a dull brain.
6398 [and the local candy machine man. Ed]
6400 A 'full' life in my experience is usually full only of other
6403 A furore Normanorum libera nos, O Domine!
6405 A gambler's biggest thrill is winning a bet.
6406 His next biggest thrill is losing a bet.
6408 A gangster assembled an engineer, a chemist, and a physicist. He explained
6409 that he was entering a horse in a race the following week and the three
6410 assembled guys had the job of assuring that the gangster's horse would win.
6411 They were to reconvene the day before the race to tell the gangster how they
6412 each propose to ensure a win. When they reconvened the gangster started with
6415 Gangster: OK, Mr. engineer, what have you got?
6416 Engineer: Well, I've invented a way to weave metallic threads into the saddle
6417 blanket so that they will act as the plates of a battery and provide
6418 electrical shock to the horse.
6419 G: That's very good! But let's hear from the chemist.
6420 Chemist: I've synthesized a powerful stimulant that dissolves
6421 into simple blood sugars after ten minutes and therefore
6422 cannot be detected in post-race tests.
6423 G: Excellent, excellent! But I want to hear from the physicist before
6424 I decide what to do. Physicist?
6426 Physicist: Well, first consider a spherical horse in simple harmonic motion...
6428 A gentleman is a man who wouldn't hit a lady with his hat on.
6430 [ And why not? For why does she have his hat on? Ed.]
6432 A gentleman never strikes a lady with his hat on.
6435 A gift of a flower will soon be made to you.
6437 A girl and a boy bump into each other -- surely a coincidence. A girl and
6438 a boy bump and her handkerchief drops -- surely another coincidence. But
6439 when a girl gives a boy a dead squid, *that had to mean SOMETHING!*
6441 A girl and a boy bump into each other -- surely an accident.
6442 A girl and a boy bump and her handkerchief drops -- surely another accident.
6443 But when a girl gives a boy a dead squid -- *that had to mean something*.
6444 -- S. Morganstern, "The Silent Gondoliers"
6446 A girl with a future avoids the man with a past.
6447 -- Evan Esar, "The Humor of Humor"
6449 A girl's best friend is her mutter.
6452 A girl's conscience doesn't really keep her from doing anything wrong--
6453 it merely keeps her from enjoying it.
6455 A gleekzorp without a tornpee is like
6456 a quop without a fertsneet (sort of).
6458 A [golf] ball hitting a tree shall be deemed not to have hit the tree.
6459 Hitting a tree is simply bad luck and has no place in a scientific game.
6460 The player should estimate the distance the ball would have traveled if it
6461 had not hit the tree and play the ball from there, preferably atop a nice
6465 A [golf] ball sliced or hooked into the rough shall be lifted and placed in
6466 the fairway at a point equal to the distance it carried or rolled into the
6467 rough. Such veering right or left frequently results from friction between
6468 the face of the club and the cover of the ball and the player should not be
6469 penalized for the erratic behavior of the ball resulting from such
6470 uncontrollable physical phenomena.
6473 A good man always knows his limitations.
6476 A good marriage would be between a blind wife and deaf husband.
6477 -- Michel de Montaigne
6479 A good memory does not equal pale ink.
6481 A good name lost is seldom regained. When character is gone,
6482 all is gone, and one of the richest jewels of life is lost forever.
6485 A good plan today is better than a perfect plan tomorrow.
6488 A good programmer is someone who looks both ways before crossing a
6492 A good reputation is more valuable than money.
6495 A good scapegoat is hard to find.
6497 A good supervisor can step on your toes without messing up your shine.
6499 A GOOD WAY TO THREATEN somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you
6500 call the guy and hold the burning fuse to the phone. "Hear that?" you say.
6501 "That's dynamite, baby."
6502 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
6504 A gossip is one who talks to you about others, a bore is one who talks to
6505 you about himself; and a brilliant conversationalist is one who talks to
6509 A gourmet restaurant in Cincinnati is one where you leave the tray on
6510 the table after you eat.
6512 A gourmet who thinks of calories is like a tart that looks at her watch.
6515 A government that is big enough to give you all you want is big enough
6516 to take it all away.
6519 A grammarian's life is always intense.
6521 A great empire, like a great cake, is most easily diminished at the edges.
6524 A great many people think they are thinking
6525 when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.
6528 A green hunting cap squeezed the top of the fleshy balloon of a head. The
6529 green earflaps, full of large ears and uncut hair and the fine bristles that
6530 grew in the ears themselvse, stuck out on either side like turn signals
6531 indicating two directions at once. Full, pursed lips protruded beneath the
6532 bushy black moustache and, at their corners, sank into little folds filled
6533 with disapproval and potato chip crumbs. In the shadow under the green visor
6534 of the cap Ignatius J. Reilly's supercilious blue and yellow eyes looked down
6535 upon the other people waiting under the clock at the D.H. Holmes department
6536 store, studying the crowd of people for signs of bad taste in dress. Several
6537 of the outfits, Ignatius noticed, were new enough and expensive enough to be
6538 properly considered offenses against taste and decency. Possession of
6539 anything new or expensive only reflected a person's lack of theology and
6540 geometry; it could even cast doubts upon one's soul.
6541 -- John Kennedy Toole, "Confederacy of Dunces"
6543 A group of politicians deciding to dump a President because his morals
6544 are bad is like the Mafia getting together to bump off the Godfather for
6545 not going to church on Sunday.
6548 A guilty conscience is the mother of invention.
6551 A guy has to get fresh once in a while
6552 so a girl doesn't lose her confidence.
6554 A hacker does for love what others would not do for money.
6557 Is nerve-wracking and dangerous.
6558 To retain people as men -- and maidservants
6559 Brings good fortune.
6561 A hammer sometimes misses its mark - a bouquet never.
6563 A handful of friends is worth more than a wagon of gold.
6565 A handful of patience is worth more than a bushel of brains.
6567 A healthy male adult bore consumes each year one and a half times his own
6568 weight in other people's patience.
6571 A help wanted add for a photo journalist asked the rhetorical question:
6573 If you found yourself in a situation where you could either save
6574 a drowning man, or you could take a Pulitzer prize winning
6575 photograph of him drowning, what shutter speed and setting would
6580 A Hen Brooding Kittens
6581 A friend informs us that he saw at the Novato ranch, Marin county,
6582 a few days since, a hen actually brooding and otherwise caring for three
6583 kittens! The gentleman upon whose premises this strange event is transpiring
6584 says the hen adopted the kittens when they were but a few days old, and that
6585 she has devoted them her undivided care for several weeks past. The young
6586 felines are now of respectable size, but they nevertheless follow the hen at
6587 her cluckings, and are regularly brooded at night beneath her wings.
6588 -- Sacramento Daily Union, July 2, 1861
6590 A hermit is a deserter from the army of humanity.
6592 A highly intelligent man should take a primitive woman. Imagine if on top
6593 of everything else, I had a woman who interfered with my work.
6596 A holding company is a thing where you hand
6597 an accomplice the goods while the policeman searches you.
6599 A Hollywood producer calls a friend, another producer on the phone.
6600 "Hello?" his friend answers.
6601 "Hi!" says the man. "This is Bob, how are you doing?"
6602 "Oh," says the friend, "I'm doing great! I just sold a screenplay
6603 for two hundred thousand dollars. I've started a novel adaptation and the
6604 studio advanced me fifty thousand dollars on it. I also have a television
6605 series coming on next week, and everyone says it's going to be a big hit!
6606 I'm doing *great*! How are you?"
6607 "Okay," says the producer, "give me a call when he leaves."
6609 A homeowner's reach should exceed his grasp, or what's a weekend for?
6611 "A horrible little boy came up to me and said, `You know in your book
6612 The Martian Chronicles?' I said, `Yes?' He said, `You know where you
6613 talk about Deimos rising in the East?' I said, `Yes?' He said `No.'
6615 -- attributed to Ray Bradbury
6617 A horse! A horse! My kingdom for a horse!
6618 -- Wm. Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
6620 A hundred thousand lemmings can't be wrong!
6622 A hundred years from now it is very likely that [of Twain's works] "The
6623 Jumping Frog" alone will be remembered.
6624 -- Harry Thurston Peck (Editor of "The Bookman"), January 1901.
6626 A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.
6629 A hypocrite is a person who ... but who isn't?
6632 A hypothetical paradox:
6633 What would happen in a battle between an Enterprise security team,
6634 who always get killed soon after appearing, and a squad of Imperial
6635 Stormtroopers, who can't hit the broad side of a planet?
6638 A is for Amy who fell down the stairs, B is for Basil assaulted by bears.
6639 C is for Clair who wasted away, D is for Desmond thrown out of the sleigh.
6640 E is for Ernest who choked on a peach, F is for Fanny, sucked dry by a leech.
6641 G is for George, smothered under a rug, H is for Hector, done in by a thug.
6642 I is for Ida who drowned in the lake, J is for James who took lye, by mistake.
6643 K is for Kate who was struck with an axe, L is for Leo who swallowed some tacks.
6644 M is for Maud who was swept out to sea, N is for Nevil who died of enui.
6645 O is for Olive, run through with an awl, P is for Prue, trampled flat in a brawl
6646 Q is for Quinton who sank in a mire, R is for Rhoda, consumed by a fire.
6647 S is for Susan who parished of fits, T is for Titas who flew into bits.
6648 U is for Una who slipped down a drain, V is for Victor, squashed under a train.
6649 W is for Winie, embedded in ice, X is for Xercies, devoured by mice.
6650 Y is for Yoric whose head was bashed in, Z is for Zilla who drank too much gin.
6651 -- Edward Gorey "The Gastly Crumb Tines"
6656 A is for awk, which runs like a snail, and
6657 B is for biff, which reads all your mail.
6658 C is for cc, as hackers recall, while
6659 D is for dd, the command that does all.
6660 E is for emacs, which rebinds your keys, and
6661 F is for fsck, which rebuilds your trees.
6662 G is for grep, a clever detective, while
6663 H is for halt, which may seem defective.
6664 I is for indent, which rarely amuses, and
6665 J is for join, which nobody uses.
6666 K is for kill, which makes you the boss, while
6667 L is for lex, which is missing from DOS.
6668 M is for more, from which less was begot, and
6669 N is for nice, which it really is not.
6670 O is for od, which prints out things nice, while
6671 P is for passwd, which reads in strings twice.
6672 Q is for quota, a Berkeley-type fable, and
6673 R is for ranlib, for sorting ar table.
6674 S is for spell, which attempts to belittle, while
6675 T is for true, which does very little.
6676 U is for uniq, which is used after sort, and
6677 V is for vi, which is hard to abort.
6678 W is for whoami, which tells you your name, while
6679 X is, well, X, of dubious fame.
6680 Y is for yes, which makes an impression, and
6681 Z is for zcat, which handles compression.
6682 -- THE ABC'S OF UNIX
6684 A joint is just tea for two.
6686 A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance from Sam.
6688 A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step.
6691 A journey of a thousand miles starts under one's feet.
6694 A jug of wine, a bowl of rice with it;
6696 Simply handed in through the window.
6697 There is certainly no blame in this.
6699 A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer.
6702 A key to the understanding of all religions is that a God's idea of a
6703 good time is a game of Snakes and Ladders with greased rungs.
6705 A kid'll eat the middle of an Oreo, eventually.
6707 A kind of Batman of contemporary letters.
6708 -- Philip Larkin on Anthony Burgess
6710 A king's castle is his home.
6712 A kiss is a course of procedure, cunningly devised,
6713 for the mutual stoppage of speech at a moment when
6714 words are superfluous.
6716 A lack of leadership is no substitute for inaction.
6718 A lady is one who never shows her underwear unintentionally.
6721 A lady with one of her ears applied
6722 To an open keyhole heard, inside,
6723 Two female gossips in converse free --
6724 The subject engaging them was she.
6725 "I think", said one, "and my husband thinks
6726 That she's a prying, inquisitive minx!"
6727 As soon as no more of it she could hear
6728 The lady, indignant, removed her ear.
6729 "I will not stay," she said with a pout,
6730 "To hear my character lied about!"
6733 A language that doesn't affect the way you
6734 think about programming is not worth knowing.
6736 A language that doesn't have everything is
6737 actually easier to program in than some that do.
6740 A lanky Texan was mad because Texas had just become the second largest state in
6741 the Union, so he made up his mind to move to Alaska. He drove for three days
6742 and three nights to get there and finally he came to what looked like the state
6743 line. He halted his car and walked up to the border guard. "Hi, there! How
6744 do I become a resident of this here biggest state?" demanded the Texan.
6745 The guard looked him up and down and grinned. "Waal," he answered,
6746 there are three things you gotta do to get in. First, drink down a quart of
6747 110 proof corn liquor without blinkin'. Second, kill a grizzly bear, and
6748 third, make love to an Eskimo woman."
6749 "Sounds easy enough," said the Texan. "Where can I get a quart of
6750 this here corn liquor?"
6751 "Got one right here," replied the guard.
6752 The Texan gulped down the whiskey without batting an eyelash.
6753 "Now, do you happen to know where I can find me a grizzly?"
6754 "Yep," answered the guard, "there's a big b'ar over that way, 'bout
6755 a mile... lives in a cave on that cliff."
6756 The Texan lurched merrily off. About an hour later he returned
6757 with his clothes almost torn off and his face scratched and bloody. He was
6758 smiling happily. "Now," he roared, "where's that damn Eskimo woman you
6761 A large number of installed systems work by fiat.
6762 That is, they work by being declared to work.
6765 A large spider in an old house built a beautiful web in which to catch flies.
6766 Every time a fly landed on the web and was entangled in it the spider devoured
6767 him, so that when another fly came along he would think the web was a safe and
6768 quiet place in which to rest. One day a fairly intelligent fly buzzed around
6769 above the web so long without lighting that the spider appeared and said,
6770 "Come on down." But the fly was too clever for him and said, "I never light
6771 where I don't see other flies and I don't see any other flies in your house."
6772 So he flew away until he came to a place where there were a great many other
6773 flies. He was about to settle down among them when a bee buzzed up and said,
6774 "Hold it, stupid, that's flypaper. All those flies are trapped." "Don't be
6775 silly," said the fly, "they're dancing." So he settled down and became stuck
6776 to the flypaper with all the other flies.
6778 Moral: There is no safety in numbers, or in anything else.
6779 -- James Thurber, "The Fairly Intelligent Fly"
6781 A Law of Computer Programming:
6782 Make it possible for programmers to write in English
6783 and you will find that programmers cannot write in English.
6785 A liberal is a man too broadminded to take his own side in a quarrel.
6788 A liberal is a person whose interests aren't at stake at the moment.
6791 A liberal is someone too poor to be a
6792 capitalist, and too rich to be a communist.
6794 A lie in time saves nine.
6796 A lie is an abomination unto the Lord and a very present help in time of
6800 A life spent in search of the perfect hash brownie is a life well spent.
6802 A lifetime isn't nearly long enough to figure out what it's all about.
6804 A light wife doth make a heavy husband.
6805 -- Wm. Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"
6807 A likely impossibility is always preferable to an unconvincing possibility.
6810 A LISP programmer knows the value of
6811 everything, but the cost of nothing.
6814 A list is only as strong as its weakest link.
6817 A little experience often upsets a lot of theory.
6819 A little inaccuracy saves a world of explanation.
6822 A little inaccuracy sometimes saves tons of explanation.
6823 -- H.H. Munro, "Saki"
6825 A little kid went up to Santa and asked him, "Santa, you know when I'm bad
6826 right?" And Santa says, "Yes, I do." The little kid then asks, "And you
6827 know when I'm sleeping?" To which Santa replies, "Every minute." So the
6828 little kid then says, "Well, if you know when I'm bad and when I'm good,
6829 then how come you don't know what I want for Christmas?"
6831 A little retrospection shows that although many fine, useful software systems
6832 have been designed by committees and built as part of multipart projects,
6833 those software systems that have excited passionate fans are those that are
6834 the products of one or a few designing minds, great designers. Consider Unix,
6835 APL, Pascal, Modula, the Smalltalk interface, even Fortran; and contrast them
6836 with Cobol, PL/I, Algol, MVS/370, and MS-DOS.
6839 A little word of doubtful number,
6840 A foe to rest and peaceful slumber.
6841 If you add an "s" to this,
6842 Great is the metamorphosis.
6843 Plural is plural now no more,
6844 And sweet what bitter was before.
6847 A log may float in a river, but that does not make it a crocodile.
6849 A long memory is the most subversive idea in America.
6851 A long-forgotten loved one will appear soon.
6852 Buy the negatives at any price.
6854 A lost ounce of gold may be found, a lost moment of time never.
6856 A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me. I'm afraid of widths.
6859 A lot of people I know believe in positive thinking,
6860 and so do I. I believe everything positively stinks.
6863 A lover without indiscretion is no lover at all.
6866 A major, with wonderful force,
6867 Called out in Hyde Park for a horse.
6868 All the flowers looked round,
6869 But no horse could be found;
6870 So he just rhododendron, of course.
6872 A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who has never owned a car.
6875 A man always needs to remember one thing about
6876 a beautiful woman. Somewhere, somebody's tired of her.
6878 A man always remembers his first love with special
6879 tenderness, but after that begins to bunch them.
6882 A man arrived home early to find his wife in the arms of his best friend,
6883 who swore how much they were in love. To quiet the enraged husband, the
6884 lover suggested, "Friends shouldn't fight, let's play gin rummy. If I win,
6885 you get a divorce so I can marry her. If you win, I promise never to see
6887 "Alright," agreed the husband. "But how about a quarter a point
6888 on the side to make it interesting?"
6890 A man can have two, maybe three love affairs while he's married. After
6894 A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen
6895 or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.
6898 A man does not look behind the door unless he has stood there himself.
6901 A man fell off a mountain and, as he fell, saw a branch and grabbed for it.
6902 By superhuman effort he was able to get a precarious grip on it. As he
6903 was hanging there for dear life, he looked up and cried out,
6905 A deep majestic voice answered,
6906 "Yes my son, I am here. What do you need?"
6907 "Help me!!" cried the man.
6908 "I will help you", said the voice, "Just let go of the branch and
6909 you'll be safe. All you have to do is trust."
6910 The man thought for a moment and cried out:
6911 "Anybody ELSE up there?"
6913 A man gazing at the stars is proverbially at the mercy of the puddles
6917 A man goes into a bar and begins to tell a Polish joke. The man sitting
6918 next to him, a big hulking powerhouse, turns and says menacingly, "*I'm*
6920 He then calls out, "Ivan! Come over here and bring your brother."
6921 Two men, bigger than the first, appear from the back room.
6922 "Josef!" the man calls out, "come here a second, and bring Lendl
6923 with you." Two more men appear, and all five men crowd around the man with
6925 "Now," says the first Polish man, "do you want to finish that joke?"
6926 "Nah," says the man.
6927 "Oh, no? And why not? I'm sure it was very funny," says the Polish
6928 man, opening and closing his fist. "Are you scared?"
6929 "No," replies the man. "I just don't feel like having to explain it
6932 A man in love is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.
6933 -- Zsa Zsa Gabor, "Newsweek"
6935 A man is already halfway in love with any woman who listens to him.
6938 A man is crawling through the Sahara desert when he is approached by another
6939 man riding on a camel. When the rider gets close enough, the crawling man
6940 whispers through his sun-parched lips, "Water... please... can you give...
6942 "I'm sorry," replies the man on the camel, "I don't have any water
6943 with me. But I'd be delighted to sell you a necktie."
6944 "Tie?" whispers the man. "I need *water*."
6945 "They're only four dollars apiece."
6947 "Okay, okay, say two for seven dollars."
6948 "Please! I need *water*!", says the man.
6949 "I don't have any water, all I have are ties," replies the salesman,
6950 and he heads off into the distance.
6951 The man, losing track of time, crawls for what seems like days.
6952 Finally, nearly dead, sun-blind and with his skin peeling and blistering, he
6953 sees a restaurant in the distance. Summoning the last of his strength he
6954 staggers up to the door and confronts the head waiter.
6955 "Water... can I get... water," the dying man manages to stammer.
6956 "I'm sorry, sir, ties required."
6958 A man is known by the company he organizes.
6961 A man is like a rusty wheel on a rusty cart,
6962 He sings his song as he rattles along and then he falls apart.
6965 A man is only as old as the woman he feels.
6968 A man is walking along when he sees a funeral procession going by, the
6969 longest procession he's ever seen. It seems to consist of the hearse,
6970 followed by a man with a Doberman on a leash, followed by several hundred
6971 other men. After watching for a few minutes, he can restrain his curiosity
6972 no longer, and walks up to one of the mourners.
6973 "Excuse me, sir, I don't mean to bother you in your moment of grief,
6974 but this is the strangest procession I've ever seen. What happened, who is
6976 "Well, it's nothing special, really, the funeral is for the mother-
6977 in-law of the man at the front of the procession. You see, his Doberman
6978 attacked and killed her."
6979 "That's awful!", replies the onlooker. "But... um... tell me, you
6980 don't think he'd let me borrow that dog, do you?"
6981 "Get in line, buddy," replies the mourner, "get in line."
6983 A man is walking down the street when he sees a man with four arms, and
6984 antennae coming out of his head. He goes up to him and says, "You're not
6985 from around here, are you?"
6986 "No," replies the man with the antennae.
6987 "You know," continues the man, "I don't think you're an American,
6988 either. In fact, I bet you don't even come from this planet!"
6989 "Right again," says the man with four arms. "I'm from Mars."
6990 "Well," says the man, "that's quite some configuration you've got
6991 there, with those four arms and those antennae and everything."
6992 "We Martians all have four arms and antennae."
6993 "Well, that's just amazing," replies the man, "and how about that
6994 big gold colored plate in the middle of your chest, what's that, do all
6995 Martians have that?"
6996 "Well, no," says the Martian. "Not the *goyim*."
6998 A man marries to have a home, but also because he doesn't want to be
6999 bothered with sex and all that sort of thing.
7000 -- W. Somerset Maugham, "The Circle"
7002 A man may be so much of everything that he is nothing of anything.
7005 A man may sometimes be forgiven the kiss to which he is not entitled,
7006 but never the kiss he has not the initiative to claim.
7008 A man may well bring a horse to the water,
7009 but he cannot make him drink with he will.
7012 A man of genius makes no mistakes.
7013 His errors are volitional and are the portals of discovery.
7014 -- James Joyce, "Ulysses"
7016 A man paints with his brains and not with his hands.
7018 A man said to the Universe:
7020 "However," replied the Universe,
7021 "the fact has not created in me a sense of obligation."
7024 A man took his wife deer hunting for the first time. After he'd given her
7025 some basic instructions, they agreed to separate and rendezvous later. Before
7026 he left, he warned her if she should fell a deer to be wary of hunters who
7027 might beat her to the carcass and claim the kill. If that happened, he told
7028 her, she should fire her gun three times into the air and he would come to
7030 Shortly after they separated, he heard a single shot, followed quickly
7031 by the agreed upon signal. Running to the scene, he found his wife standing
7032 in a small clearing with a very nervous man staring down her gun barrel.
7033 "He claims this is his," she said, obviously very upset.
7034 "She can keep it, she can keep it!" the wide-eyed man replied. "I
7035 just want to get my saddle back!"
7037 A man usually falls in love with a woman who asks the kinds of questions
7038 he is able to answer.
7041 A man was griping to his friend about how he hated to go home after a
7043 "You wouldn't believe what I go through to avoid waking my wife,"
7044 he said. "First, I kill the engine a block away from the house and coast
7045 into the garage. Then I open the door slowly, take off my shoes, and
7046 tiptoe to our room. But just as I'm about to slide into bed, she always
7047 wakes up and gives me hell."
7048 "I make a big racket when I go home," his friend replied.
7050 "Sure. I honk the horn, slam the door, turn on all the lights,
7051 stomp up to the bedroom and give my wife a big kiss. `Hi, Alice,' I say.
7052 `How about a little smooch for your old man?'"
7053 "And what does she say?" his friend asked in disbelief.
7054 "She doesn't say anything," his buddy replied. "She always pretends
7057 A man was kneeling by a grave in a cemetery, crying and praying very loudly,
7058 "Oh why..eeeee did you die...eeeeee, Oh Why..eeeeee,
7059 why did you Di......eeee"
7060 The caretaker walks up, pardons himself and asks politely,
7061 "Excuse me, sir, but I've been seeing you for hours now,
7062 carrying on at this grave. You must have been very close to the deceased."
7063 "No, I never met him. Oh why....eeeee did you dieeeeee,
7064 why....eeeee did you.."
7065 "Sir, you say you never met this person, yet you carry on so?
7066 Tell, me who is buried here?"
7067 "My wife's first husband."
7069 A man who cannot seduce men cannot save them either.
7070 -- Soren Kierkegaard
7072 A man who carries a cat by its tail learns something he can learn
7075 A man who fishes for marlin in ponds
7076 will put his money in Etruscan bonds.
7078 A man who likes to lie in bed can usually
7079 find a girl willing to listen to him.
7081 A man who turns green has eschewed protein.
7083 A man with 3 wings and a dictionary is cousin to the turkey.
7085 A man with one watch knows what time it is.
7086 A man with two watches is never quite sure.
7088 A man without a God is like a fish without a bicycle.
7090 A man without a woman is like a fish without gills.
7092 A man without a woman is like a statue without pigeons.
7094 A man would still do something out of sheer perversity - he would create
7095 destruction and chaos - just to gain his point... and if all this could in
7096 turn be analyzed and prevented by predicting that it would occur, then man
7097 would deliberately go mad to prove his point.
7098 -- Feodor Dostoevsky, "Notes From the Underground"
7100 A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small package.
7102 A man's best friend is his dogma.
7104 A man's gotta know his limitations.
7105 -- Clint Eastwood, "Dirty Harry"
7107 A man's house is his castle.
7110 A man's house is his hassle.
7112 A master was asked the question, "What is the Way?" by a curious monk.
7113 "It is right before your eyes," said the master.
7114 "Why do I not see it for myself?"
7115 "Because you are thinking of yourself."
7116 "What about you: do you see it?"
7117 "So long as you see double, saying `I don't', and `you do', and so
7118 on, your eyes are clouded," said the master.
7119 "When there is neither `I' nor `You', can one see it?"
7120 "When there is neither `I' nor `You',
7121 who is the one that wants to see it?"
7123 A mathematician, a doctor, and an engineer are walking on the beach and
7124 observe a team of lifeguards pumping the stomach of a drowned woman. As
7125 they watch, water, sand, snails and such come out of the pump.
7126 The doctor watches for a while and says: "Keep pumping, men, you may
7128 The mathematician does some calculations and says: "According to my
7129 understanding of the size of that pump, you have already pumped more water
7130 from her body than could be contained in a cylinder 4 feet in diameter and
7132 The engineer says: "I think she's sitting in a puddle."
7134 A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.
7137 A meeting is an event at which the
7138 minutes are kept and the hours are lost.
7140 A memorandum is written not to inform the reader,
7141 but to protect the writer.
7144 A method of solution is perfect if we can forsee from the start,
7145 and even prove, that following that method we shall attain our aim.
7148 A Mexican newspaper reports that bored Royal Air Force pilots stationed
7149 on the Falkland Islands have devised what they consider a marvelous new
7150 game. Noting that the local penguins are fascinated by airplanes, the
7151 pilots search out a beach where the birds are gathered and fly slowly
7152 along it at the water's edge. Perhaps ten thousand penguins turn their
7153 heads in unison watching the planes go by, and when the pilots turn
7154 around and fly back, the birds turn their heads in the opposite
7155 direction, like spectators at a slow-motion tennis match. Then, the
7156 paper reports "The pilots fly out to sea and directly to the penguin
7157 colony and overfly it. Heads go up, up, up, and ten thousand penguins
7158 fall over gently onto their backs.
7159 -- Audobon Society Magazine
7161 2001-02-02, from http://news.bbc.co.uk:
7163 For five weeks, a team from the British Antarctic Survey (BAS)
7164 monitored 1,000 king penguins on the island of South Georgia as
7165 Lynx helicopters passed overhead.
7167 "Not one king penguin fell over when the helicopters came over,"
7168 said team leader Dr Richard Stone.
7170 "As the aircraft approached, the birds went quiet and stopped
7171 calling to each other, and adolescent birds that were not associated
7172 with nests began walking away from the noise. Pure animal instinct,
7175 The conclusion, said Dr Stone, is that flights over 305 metres
7176 (1,000 feet) caused "only minor and transitory ecological effects"
7179 A mighty creature is the germ,
7180 Though smaller than the pachyderm.
7181 His customary dwelling place
7182 Is deep within the human race.
7183 His childish pride he often pleases
7184 By giving people strange diseases.
7185 Do you, my poppet, feel infirm?
7186 You probably contain a germ.
7189 A mind is a wonderful thing to waste.
7191 A modem is a baudy house.
7193 A modest woman, dressed out in all her finery,
7194 is the most tremendous object in the whole creation.
7197 A Mormon is a man that has the bad taste and the religion to do what a good
7198 many other people are restrained from doing by conscientious scruples and
7202 A mother mouse was taking her large brood for a stroll across the kitchen
7203 floor one day when the local cat, by a feat of stealth unusual even for
7204 its species, managed to trap them in a corner. The children cowered,
7205 terrified by this fearsome beast, plaintively crying, "Help, Mother!
7206 Save us! Save us! We're scared, Mother!"
7207 Mother Mouse, with the hopeless valor of a parent protecting its
7208 children, turned with her teeth bared to the cat, towering huge above them,
7209 and suddenly began to bark in a fashion that would have done any Doberman
7210 proud. The startled cat fled in fear for its life.
7211 As her grateful offspring flocked around her shouting "Oh, Mother,
7212 you saved us!" and "Yay! You scared the cat away!" she turned to them
7213 purposefully and declared, "You see how useful it is to know a second
7216 A mother takes twenty years to make a man of her boy,
7217 and another woman makes a fool of him in twenty minutes.
7220 A motion to adjourn is always in order.
7222 A mouse is an elephant built by the Japanese.
7224 A mushroom cloud has no silver lining.
7226 A musician, an artist, an architect:
7227 the man or woman who is not one of these is not a Christian.
7230 A myth is a religion in which no-one any longer believes.
7231 -- James Feibleman, "Understanding Philosophy"
7233 A narcissist is anyone better-looking than you.
7236 A narcissist is someone better looking than you are.
7239 A nasty looking dwarf throws a knife at you.
7241 A national debt, if it is not excessive,
7242 will be to us a national blessing.
7243 -- Alexander Hamilton
7245 A neighbor came to Nasrudin, asking to borrow his donkey. "It is out on
7246 loan," the teacher replied. At that moment, the donkey brayed loudly inside
7247 the stable. "But I can hear it bray, over there." "Whom do you believe,"
7248 asked Nasrudin, "me or a donkey?"
7250 A new 'chutist had just jumped from the plane at 10,000 feet, and soon
7251 discovered that all his lines were hopelessly tangled. At about 5,000 feet,
7252 still struggling, he noticed someone coming up from the ground at about the
7253 same speed as he was going towards the ground. As they passed each other at
7254 3,000 feet, the 'chutist yells, "HEY! DO YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT PARACHUTES?"
7255 The reply came, fading towards the end, "NO! DO YOU KNOW ANYTHING
7256 ABOUT COLEMAN STOVES?"
7259 If you have some ice cream, I will give it to you.
7260 If you have no ice cream, I will take it away from you.
7261 It is an ice cream koan.
7263 A new supply of round tuits has arrived and are available from Mary.
7264 Anyone who has been putting off work until they got a `round tuit'
7265 now has no excuse for further procrastination.
7267 A new taste had been acquired and a new appetite began to grow. The time
7268 had long since arrived to crush the technical intelligentsia, which had
7269 come to regard itself as too irreplaceable and had not gotten used to
7270 catching instructions on the wing. In other words, we never did trust
7271 the engineers - and from the very first years of the Revolution we saw to
7272 it that those lackeys and servants of former capitalist bosses were kept
7273 in line by healthy suspicion and surveillance by the workers.
7274 -- Aleksandr I. Solzhenitsyn, "The Gulag Archipelago"
7276 A New Way of Taking Pills
7277 A physician one night in Wisconsin being disturbed by a burglar, and
7278 having no ball or shot for his pistol, noiselessly loaded the weapon with
7279 small, hard pills, and gave the intruder a "prescription" which he thinks
7280 will go far towards curing the rascal of a very bad ailment.
7281 -- Nevada Morning Transcript, January 30, 1861
7283 A New Yorker is riding down the road in his new Mercedes. So intent is he
7284 on the cocaine in his hand he completely misses a turn and his car plunges
7285 over the five-hundred-foot cliff to be smashed into pieces at the bottom.
7286 As the on-lookers rush to the edge of the cliff they see him fifty feet
7287 from the top of the cliff clinging to a stunted bush with all his strength.
7288 "Dear Lord," he prays, "I never asked you for nothin' before, but I'm askin'
7289 you now: Save me, Lord, save me."
7290 Booms the Lord: "LET GO OF THE BRANCH."
7291 "But Lord, if I do that, I'll fall!"
7292 "TRUST ME, LET GO OF THE BRANCH."
7293 "But Lord, I'm gonna fall and die..."
7294 "TRUST ME TO SAVE YOU. LET GO OF THE BRANCH."
7295 Okay, Lord, I'll trust you, here I... here I go!" And he falls
7299 A New Yorker was driving through Berkeley when he saw a big crowd gathered
7300 by the side of the street. Curiosity got the better of him and he leaned
7301 out of his window to ask an onlooker what was going on. The fellow explained
7302 that a protestor against the U.S. position in South America had doused
7303 himself with gasoline and set himself on fire. "That's terrible," gasped
7304 the man. "But why is everyone still standing around?"
7305 "Well, they're taking up a collection for his wife and kids," the
7306 onlooker explained. "Would you be willing to help?"
7307 "Well, sure," replied the New Yorker. "I suppose I could spare a
7310 A newspaper is a circulating library with high blood pressure.
7311 -- Arthure "Bugs" Baer
7313 A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore.
7316 A Nixon [is preferable to] a Dean Rusk -- who will be
7317 passionately wrong with a high sense of consistency.
7320 A non-vegetarian anti-abortionist is a contradiction in terms.
7323 A novice asked the Master: "Here is a programmer that never designs,
7324 documents or tests his programs. Yet all who know him consider him
7325 one of the bests programmer in the world. Why is this?"
7326 The Master replies: "That programmer has mastered the Tao. He has
7327 gone beyond the need for design; he does not become angry when the system
7328 crashes, but accepts the universe without concern. He has gone beyond the
7329 need for documentation; he no longer cares if anyone else sees his code.
7330 He has gone beyond the need for testing; each of his programs are perfect
7331 within themselves, serene and elegant, their purpose self-evident. Truly,
7332 he has entered the mystery of Tao."
7334 A novice of the temple once approached the Chief Priest with a question.
7336 "Master, does Emacs have the Buddha nature?" the novice asked.
7338 The Chief Priest had been in the temple for many years and could be
7339 relied upon to know these things. He thought for several minutes
7342 "I don't see why not. It's got bloody well everything else."
7344 With that, the Chief Priest went to lunch. The novice suddenly achieved
7345 enlightenment, several years later.
7350 Answering his FAQ quickly,
7351 With thought and sarcasm.
7353 A nuclear war can ruin your whole day.
7355 A pain in the ass of major dimensions.
7356 -- C.A. Desoer, on the solution of non-linear circuits
7358 A Parable of Modern Research:
7360 Bob has lost his keys in a room which is dark except for one
7361 brightly lit corner.
7362 "Why are you looking under the light, you lost them in the dark!"
7363 "I can only see here."
7365 A paranoid is a man who knows a little of what's going on.
7366 -- William S. Burroughs
7368 A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the pants.
7370 A pedestal is as much a prison as any small, confined space.
7373 A pencil with no point needs no eraser.
7375 "A penny for your thoughts?"
7376 "A dollar for your death."
7379 A penny saved has not been spent.
7381 A penny saved is a penny taxed.
7383 A penny saved is ridiculous.
7385 A penny saved kills your career in government.
7387 A people living under the perpetual menace of war and invasion is very easy to
7388 govern. It demands no social reforms. It does not haggle over expenditures
7389 on armaments and military equipment. It pays without discussion, it ruins
7390 itself, and that is an excellent thing for the syndicates of financiers and
7391 manufacturers for whom patriotic terrors are an abundant source of gain.
7394 A perfectly honest woman, a woman who never flatters, who never manages,
7395 who never cajoles, who never conceals, who never uses her eyes, who never
7396 speculates on the effect which she produces, who never is conscious of
7397 unspoken admiration, what a monster, I say, would such a female be!
7400 A person forgives only when they are in the wrong.
7402 A person is just about as big as the things that make him angry.
7404 A person who has both feet planted firmly
7405 in the air can be safely called a liberal.
7407 A person who has nothing looks at all there is and wants something.
7408 A person who has something looks at all there is and wants all the rest.
7410 A person who is more than casually interested in computers should be well
7411 schooled in machine language, since it is a fundamental part of a computer.
7414 A pessimist is a man who has been compelled to live with an optimist.
7417 A physicist is an atoms way of knowing about atoms.
7420 A pickup with three guys in it pulls into the lumber yard. One of the men
7421 gets out and goes into the office.
7422 "I need some four-by-two's," he says.
7423 "You must mean two-by-four's" replies the clerk.
7424 The man scratches his head. "Wait a minute," he says, "I'll go
7426 Back, after an animated conversation with the other occupants of the
7427 truck, he reassures the clerk, that, yes, in fact, two-by-fours would be
7429 "OK," says the clerk, writing it down, "how long you want 'em?"
7430 The guy gets the blank look again. "Uh... I guess I better go
7432 He goes back out to the truck, and there's another animated
7433 conversation. The guy comes back into the office. "A long time," he says,
7434 "we're building a house".
7436 A pig is a jolly companion,
7437 Boar, sow, barrow, or gilt --
7438 A pig is a pal, who'll boost your morale,
7439 Though mountains may topple and tilt.
7440 When they've blackballed, bamboozled, and burned you,
7441 When they've turned on you, Tory and Whig,
7442 Though you may be thrown over by Tabby and Rover,
7443 You'll never go wrong with a pig, a pig,
7444 You'll never go wrong with a pig!
7445 -- Thomas Pynchon, "Gravity's Rainbow"
7447 A pipe gives a wise man time to think
7448 and a fool something to stick in his mouth.
7450 A place for everything and everything in its place.
7451 -- Isabella Mary Beeton, "The Book of Household Management"
7453 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
7454 referring to memory management system services.]
7456 A platitude is simply a truth repeated till people get tired of hearing it.
7459 A plethora of individuals with expertise in culinary techniques
7460 contaminate the potable concoction produced by steeping certain
7463 A plucked goose doesn't lay golden eggs.
7465 A poet who reads his verse in public may have other nasty habits.
7467 A Polish worker walks into a bank to deposit his paycheck. He has heard
7468 about Poland's economic problems, and he asks what would happen to his
7469 money if the bank collapsed. "All of our deposits are guaranteed by the
7470 finance ministry, sir," the teller replies.
7471 "But what if the finance ministry goes broke?" the worker asks.
7472 "Then the government will intercede to protect the working class,"
7474 "But what if the government goes broke?" the worker asks.
7475 "Our socialist comrades in the Soviet Union naturally will come
7476 to our assistance," the teller responds with growing irritation.
7477 "And if the Soviet Union goes broke?" the worker asks.
7478 "Idiot!" the teller snorts. "Isn't that worth losing one lousy
7480 -- Making the rounds in Warsaw, 1984
7482 A political man can have as his aim the realization of freedom,
7483 but he has no means to realize it other than through violence.
7486 A possum must be himself, and being himself he is honest.
7489 A pound of salt will not sweeten a single cup of tea.
7491 A "practical joker" deserves applause for his wit according to its quality.
7492 Bastinado is about right. For exceptional wit one might grant keelhauling.
7493 But staking him out on an anthill should be reserved for the very wittiest.
7496 A prediction is worth twenty explanations.
7499 A pretty foot is one of the greatest gifts of nature... please send me your
7500 last pair of shoes, already worn out in dancing... so I can have something
7501 of yours to press against my heart.
7504 A pretty woman can do anything; an ugly woman must do everything.
7506 A priest advised Voltaire on his death bed to renounce the devil.
7507 Replied Voltaire, "This is no time to make new enemies."
7509 A priest asked: What is Fate, Master?
7511 And the Master answered:
7512 It is that which gives a beast of burden its reason for existence.
7513 It is that which men in former times had to bear upon their backs.
7515 It is that which has caused nations to build byways from City
7516 to City upon which carts and coaches pass, and alongside which inns
7517 have come to be built to stave off Hunger, Thirst and Weariness.
7519 And that is Fate? said the priest.
7521 Fate... I thought you said Freight, responded the Master.
7523 That's all right, said the priest. I wanted to know
7524 what Freight was too.
7527 A prig is a fellow who is always making you a present of his opinions.
7530 A prisoner of war is a man who tries to kill you and fails, and then
7531 asks you not to kill him.
7532 -- Sir Winston Churchill, 1952
7534 A private sin is not so prejudicial in the world as a public indecency.
7535 -- Miguel de Cervantes
7537 A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
7539 A programmer is a person who passes as an exacting expert on the basis of
7540 being able to turn out, after innumerable punching, an infinite series of
7541 incomprehensible answers calculated with micrometric precisions from vague
7542 assumptions based on debatable figures taken from inconclusive documents
7543 and carried out on instruments of problematical accuracy by persons of
7544 dubious reliability and questionable mentality for the avowed purpose of
7545 annoying and confounding a hopelessly defenseless department that was
7546 unfortunate enough to ask for the information in the first place.
7547 -- IEEE Grid newsmagazine
7549 A programming language is low level
7550 when its programs require attention to the irrelevant.
7552 A prohibitionist is the sort of man one wouldn't care to
7553 drink with -- even if he drank.
7556 A prominent broadcaster, on a big-game safari in Africa, was taken to a
7557 watering hole where the life of the jungle could be observed. As he
7558 looked down from his tree platform and described the scene into his
7559 tape recorder, he saw two gnus grazing peacefully. So preoccupied were
7560 they that they failed to observe the approach of a pride of lions led
7561 by two magnificent specimens, obviously the leaders. The lions charged,
7562 killed the gnus, and dragged them into the bushes where their feasting
7563 could not be seen. A little while later the two kings of the jungle
7564 emerged and the radioman recorded on his tape: "Well, that's the end of
7565 the gnus and here, once again, are the head lions."
7567 A promiscuous person is usually someone who is
7568 getting more sex than you are.
7571 A proper wife should be as obedient as a slave... The female is a female
7572 by virtue of a certain lack of qualities -- a natural defectiveness.
7575 A psychiatrist is a fellow who asks you a lot of expensive questions
7576 your wife asks you for nothing.
7579 A psychiatrist is a person who will give you expensive answers that
7580 your wife will give you for free.
7582 A putt that stops close enough to the cup to inspire such comments as
7583 "you could blow it in" may be blown in. This rule does not apply if
7584 the ball is more than three inches from the hole, because no one wants
7585 to make a travesty of the game.
7588 A rabbi and a priest are sitting together on a train, and the rabbi leans
7589 over and asks, "So, how high can you advance in your organization?"
7590 The priest replies, "Well, if I am lucky, I guess I could become a
7592 "Well, could you get any higher than that?"
7593 "I suppose that if my works are seen in a very good light that I
7594 might be made an Archbishop."
7595 "Is there any way that you might go higher than that?"
7596 "If all the Saints should smile, I guess I could be made a Cardinal."
7597 "Could you be anything higher than a Cardinal?"
7598 Hesitating a little bit, the priest said, "I suppose that I could
7599 be elected Pope, but only if it's God's will."
7600 "And could you be anything higher than that, is there any way to go
7601 up from being the Pope?"
7602 "What?! I should be the Messiah himself?!"
7603 The rabbi leaned back and smiled. "One of our boys made it."
7605 A raccoon tangled with a 23,000 volt line today. The results
7606 blacked out 1400 homes and, of course, one raccoon.
7609 A racially integrated community is a chronological term timed from the
7610 entrance of the first black family to the exit of the last white family.
7613 A real diplomat is one who can cut his neighbor's throat without having
7614 his neighbor notice it.
7617 A real estate agent, looking over a farmer's house for possible sale,
7618 commented to the farmer how sturdy the house looked.
7619 The farmer replied, "Yep, built it with my bare hands... did it
7620 the hard way. The steps to the front door, here, carved 'em out of
7621 field stones... did it the hard way. That hardwood floor in the living
7622 room, dovetailed the pieces myself... did it the hard way. The ceiling
7623 beams, made 'em out of my own oak trees... did it the hard way."
7624 Just then, the farmer's gorgeous daughter walked in. The farmer
7625 looks over at the real estate agent who is trying not to stare too
7626 obviously and smiles. "Yep... standing up in a canoe."
7628 A real friend isn't someone you use once and then throw away.
7629 A real friend is someone you can use over and over again.
7631 A real gentleman never takes bases unless he really has to.
7632 -- Overheard in an algebra lecture.
7634 A real patriot is the fellow who gets a parking
7635 ticket and rejoices that the system works.
7637 A recent study has found that concentrating on difficult off-screen
7638 objects, such as the faces of loved ones, causes eye strain in computer
7639 scientists. Researchers into the phenomenon cite the added concentration
7640 needed to "make sense" of such unnatural three dimensional objects.
7642 A rich man told me recently that a liberal is a man who tells other
7643 people what to do with their money.
7644 -- Imamu Amiri Baraka (Leroi Jones)
7646 A right is not what someone gives you; it's what no one can take from you.
7649 A robin redbreast in a cage
7650 Puts all Heaven in a rage.
7653 A rock pile ceases to be a rock pile the moment a single
7654 man contemplates it, bearing within him the image of a cathedral.
7655 -- Antoine de Saint-Exupery
7657 A rolling disk gathers no MOS.
7659 A rolling stone gathers momentum.
7661 A rolling stone gathers no moss.
7664 A Roman divorced from his wife, being highly blamed by his friends, who
7665 demanded, "Was she not chaste? Was she not fair? Was she not fruitful?"
7666 holding out his shoe, asked them whether it was not new and well made.
7667 Yet, added he, none of you can tell where it pinches me.
7670 A rope lying over the top of a fence is the same length on each side. It
7671 weighs one third of a pound per foot. On one end hangs a monkey holding a
7672 banana, and on the other end a weight equal to the weight of the monkey.
7673 The banana weighs two ounces per inch. The rope is as long (in feet) as
7674 the age of the monkey (in years), and the weight of the monkey (in ounces)
7675 is the same as the age of the monkey's mother. The combined age of the
7676 monkey and its mother is thirty years. One half of the weight of the monkey,
7677 plus the weight of the banana, is one forth as much as the weight of the
7678 weight and the weight of the rope. The monkey's mother is half as old as
7679 the monkey will be when it is three times as old as its mother was when she
7680 she was half as old as the monkey will be when when it is as old as its mother
7681 will be when she is four times as old as the monkey was when it was twice
7682 as its mother was when she was one third as old as the monkey was when it
7683 was old as is mother was when she was three times as old as the monkey was
7684 when it was one fourth as old as it is now. How long is the banana?
7686 A rose is a rose is a rose. Just ask Jean Marsh, known to millions of
7687 PBS viewers in the '70s as Rose, the maid on the BBC export "Upstairs,
7688 Downstairs." Though Marsh has since gone on to other projects, ... it's
7689 with Rose she's forever identified. So much so that she even likes to
7690 joke about having one named after her, a distinction not without its
7691 drawbacks. "I was very flattered when I heard about it, but when I looked
7692 up the official description, it said, `Jean Marsh: pale peach, not very
7693 good in beds; better up against a wall.' I want to tell you that's not
7694 true. I'm very good in beds as well."
7696 A sad spectacle. If they be inhabited, what a scope for misery and folly.
7697 If they be not inhabited, what a waste of space.
7698 -- Thomas Carlyle, looking at the stars
7700 A sadist is a masochist who follows the Golden Rule.
7702 A salamander scurries into flame to be destroyed.
7703 Imaginary creatures are trapped in birth on celluloid.
7704 -- Genesis, "The Lamb Lies Down on Broadway"
7706 I don't know what it's about. I'm just the drummer. Ask Peter.
7707 -- Phil Collins in 1975, when asked about the message behind
7708 the previous year's Genesis release, "The Lamb Lies Down
7711 A Scholar asked his Master, "Master, would you advise me of a proper
7713 The Master replied, "Some men can earn their keep with the power of
7714 their minds. Others must use their strong backs, legs and hands. This is
7715 the same in nature as it is with man. Some animals acquire their food easily,
7716 such as rabbits, hogs and goats. Other animals must fiercely struggle for
7717 their sustenance, like beavers, moles and ants. So you see, the nature of
7718 the vocation must fit the individual.
7719 "But I have no abilities, desires, or imagination, Master," the
7721 Queried the Master... "Have you thought of becoming a salesperson?"
7723 A scientific truth does not triumph by convincing its opponents and
7724 making them see the light, but rather because its opponents eventually
7725 die and a new generation grows up that is familiar with it.
7728 A sect or party is an elegant incognito devised to save a man from
7729 the vexation of thinking.
7730 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson, Journals, 1831
7732 A sense of desolation and uncertainty, of futility, of the baselessness
7733 of aspirations, of the vanity of endeavor, and a thirst for a life giving
7734 water which seems suddenly to have failed, are the signs in consciousness
7735 of this necessary reorganization of our lives.
7737 It is difficult to believe that this state of mind can be produced by the
7738 recognition of such facts as that unsupported stones always fall to the
7742 A sense of humor keen enough to show a man his own absurdities will keep
7743 him from the commission of all sins, or nearly all, save those that are
7747 A sequel is an admission that you've been reduced to imitating yourself.
7750 A Severe Strain on the Credulity
7751 As a method of sending a missile to the higher, and even to the
7752 highest parts of the earth's atmospheric envelope, Professor Goddard's rocket
7753 is a practicable and therefore promising device. It is when one considers the
7754 multiple-charge rocket as a traveler to the moon that one begins to doubt...
7755 for after the rocket quits our air and really starts on its journey, its
7756 flight would be neither accelerated nor maintained by the explosion of the
7757 charges it then might have left. Professor Goddard, with his "chair" in
7758 Clark College and countenancing of the Smithsonian Institution, does not
7759 know the relation of action to re-action, and of the need to have something
7760 better than a vacuum against which to react... Of course he only seems to
7761 lack the knowledge ladled out daily in high schools.
7762 -- New York Times Editorial, 1920
7764 A sharper perspective on this matter is particularly important to feminist
7765 thought today, because a major tendency in feminism has constructed the
7766 problem of domination as a drama of female vulnerability victimized by male
7767 aggression. Even the more sophisticated feminist thinkers frequently shy
7768 away from the analysis of submission, for fear that in admitting woman's
7769 participation in the relationship of domination, the onus of responsibility
7770 will appear to shift from men to women, and the moral victory from women to
7771 men. More generally, this has been a weakness of radical politics: to
7772 idealize the oppressed, as if their politics and culture were untouched by
7773 the system of domination, as if people did not participate in their own
7774 submission. To reduce domination to a simple relation of doer and done-to
7775 is to substitute moral outrage for analysis.
7776 -- Jessica Benjamin, "The Bonds of Love"
7778 A shortcut is the longest distance between two points.
7780 A sine curve goes off to infinity, or at least the end of the blackboard.
7783 A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.
7786 A single flow'r he sent me, since we met.
7787 All tenderly his messenger he chose;
7788 Deep-hearted, pure, with scented dew still wet--
7791 I knew the language of the floweret;
7792 "My fragile leaves," it said, "his heart enclose."
7793 Love long has taken for his amulet
7796 Why is it no one ever sent me yet
7797 One perfect limousine, do you suppose?
7798 Ah no, it's always just my luck to get
7800 -- Dorothy Parker, "One Perfect Rose"
7802 A sinking ship gathers no moss.
7805 A small town that cannot support one lawyer can always support two.
7807 A Smith & Wesson beats four aces.
7809 A snake lurks in the grass.
7810 -- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil)
7812 A social scientist, studying the culture and traditions of a small North
7813 African tribe, found a woman still practicing the ancient art of matchmaking.
7814 Locally, she was known as the Moor, the marrier.
7816 A society in which women are taught anything but the management of a family,
7817 the care of men, and the creation of the future generation is a society
7818 which is on its way out.
7821 A soft answer turneth away wrath; but grievous words stir up anger.
7824 A soft drink turneth away company.
7826 A solemn, unsmiling, sanctimonious old iceberg
7827 that looked like he was waiting for a vacancy in the Trinity.
7830 A song in time is worth a dime.
7832 A Southern boy graduates from high school heads north to college, taking the
7833 family dog, Old Blue with him, for company. He's only been there a few weeks
7834 when he gets a call from his girlfriend; seems like they've got a problem,
7835 and she needs a thousand dollars to take care of it. The boy calls his folks:
7836 "How are you?" they ask.
7837 "Oh, I'm fine," he says.
7838 "And how," they ask, "is Old Blue?"
7839 "Well, he's kind of depressed. You see, there's this lady up here
7840 that teaches dogs to talk, and Ol' Blue is feelin' kind of left out 'cause
7841 he's the only dog that doesn't know how to talk. She charges a thousand
7843 The parents send the boy the thousand dollars, he forwards it to Mary
7844 Lou, and everything's fine until Christmas vacation. The boy leaves Ol' Blue
7845 at his dorm, 'cause he just can't figure out what to tell his parents. Sure
7846 enough, when he gets home, the first thing his father wants to know is
7848 "Well, Pa," says the boy. "I was driving on home and Old Blue was
7849 talking away about this and that when we passed the Buford's farm. Old Blue,
7850 well, he said, `Say, what do you think your mother would do if I told her
7851 that your father's been comin' over here and seeing Mrs. Buford all these
7853 The father looks at his son -- "You shot that dog, didn't you, boy?"
7855 A squeegee by any other name wouldn't sound as funny.
7857 A statesman is a politician who's been dead 10 or 15 years.
7860 A statistician, who refused to fly after reading of the alarmingly high
7861 probability that there will be a bomb on any given plane, realized that
7862 the probability of there being two bombs on any given flight is very low.
7863 Now, whenever he flies, he carries a bomb with him.
7865 A stitch in time saves nine.
7867 "...A strange enigma is man!"
7868 "Someone calls him a soul concealed in an animal," I suggested.
7869 "Winwood Reade is good upon the subject," said Holmes. "He remarked
7870 that, while the individual man is an insoluble puzzle, in the aggregate he
7871 becomes a mathematical certainty. You can, for example, never foretell what
7872 any one man will do, but you can say with precision what an average number
7873 will be up to. Individuals vary, but percentages remain constant. So says
7875 -- Sherlock Holmes, "The Sign of Four"
7877 A straw vote only shows which way the hot air blows.
7879 A straw vote only shows which way the hot air blows.
7882 A student, in hopes of understanding the Lambda-nature, came to Greenblatt.
7883 As they spoke a Multics system hacker walked by. "Is it true", asked the
7884 student, "that PL-1 has many of the same data types as Lisp?" Almost before
7885 the student had finished his question, Greenblatt shouted, "FOO!", and hit
7886 the student with a stick.
7888 A student who changes the course of history is probably taking an exam.
7890 A stunning blonde, but probably all bean dip above the eyebrows.
7892 A successful tool is one that was used to do something
7893 undreamed of by its author.
7896 A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the word you first
7900 A Tale of Two Cities LITE(tm)
7901 -- by Charles Dickens
7903 A lawyer who looks like a French Nobleman is executed in his place.
7905 The Metamorphosis LITE(tm)
7908 A man turns into a bug and his family gets annoyed.
7910 Lord of the Rings LITE(tm)
7911 -- by J.R.R. Tolkien
7913 Some guys take a long vacation to throw a ring into a volcano.
7916 -- by Wm. Shakespeare
7918 A college student on vacation with family problems, a screwy
7919 girl-friend and a mother who won't act her age.
7921 A Tale of Two Cities LITE(tm)
7922 -- by Charles Dickens
7924 A man in love with a girl who loves another man who looks just
7925 like him has his head chopped off in France because of a mean
7928 Crime and Punishment LITE(tm)
7929 -- by Fyodor Dostoevski
7931 A man sends a nasty letter to a pawnbroker, but later
7932 feels guilty and apologizes.
7934 The Odyssey LITE(tm)
7937 After working late, a valiant warrior gets lost on his way home.
7939 A tall, dark stranger will have more fun than you.
7941 A team effort is a lot of people doing what I say.
7942 -- Michael Winner, British film director
7944 A Texan, impressing the hell out of a Bostonian with tales about the heroes
7945 of the Alamo, commented, "I'll bet you never had anyone that brave around
7947 "Ever hear of Paul Revere?", snarled the Bostonian.
7948 "Paul Revere?", pondered the Texan. "Isn't he the guy who ran for
7951 A thing is not necessarily true because a man dies for it.
7952 -- Oscar Wilde, "The Portrait of Mr. W.H."
7954 A timely marriage: one made before your children start nagging you about it.
7957 A total abstainer is one who abstains from everything
7958 but abstention, and especially from inactivity in the affairs of others.
7961 A transistor protected by a fast-acting
7962 fuse will protect the fuse by blowing first.
7964 A traveling salesman was driving past a farm when he saw a pig with three
7965 wooden legs executing a magnificent series of backflips and cartwheels.
7966 Intrigued, he drove up to the farmhouse, where he found an old farmer
7967 sitting in the yard watching the pig.
7968 "That's quite a pig you have there, sir" said the salesman.
7969 "Sure is, son," the farmer replied. "Why, two years ago, my daughter
7970 was swimming in the lake and bumped her head and damned near drowned, but that
7971 pig swam out and dragged her back to shore."
7972 "Amazing!" the salesman exclaimed.
7973 "And that's not the only thing. Last fall I was cuttin' wood up on
7974 the north forty when a tree fell on me. Pinned me to the ground, it did.
7975 That pig run up and wiggled underneath that tree and lifted it off of me.
7977 "Fantastic! the salesman said. But tell me, how come the pig has
7979 The farmer stared at the newcomer in amazement. "Mister, when you
7980 got an amazin' pig like that, you don't eat him all at once."
7982 A true artist will let his wife starve, his children go barefoot, his mother
7983 drudge for his living at seventy, sooner than work at anything but his art.
7986 A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
7988 A truly wise woman never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
7990 A truth that's told with bad intent
7991 Beats all the lies you can invent.
7994 A university is what a college becomes
7995 when the faculty loses interest in students.
7998 A vacuum is a hell of a lot better
7999 than some of the stuff that nature replaces it with.
8000 -- Tennessee Williams
8002 A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on.
8005 A violent man will die a violent death.
8008 A visit to a fresh place will bring strange work.
8010 A visit to a strange place will bring fresh work.
8012 A vivid and creative mind characterizes you.
8014 A waist is a terrible thing to mind.
8017 A watched clock never boils.
8019 A well adjusted person is one who makes
8020 the same mistake twice without getting nervous.
8022 A well-known friend is a treasure.
8024 A well-used door needs no oil on its hinges.
8025 A swift-flowing steam does no grow stagnant.
8026 Neither sound nor thoughts can travel through a vacuum.
8027 Software rots if not used.
8029 These are great mysteries.
8030 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
8032 A widow is more sought after than an old maid of the same age.
8035 A wife lasts only for the length of the marriage, but an ex-wife is there
8036 *for the rest of your life*.
8039 A wise man can see more from a mountain top
8040 than a fool can from the bottom of a well.
8042 A wise man can see more from the bottom
8043 of a well than a fool can from a mountain top.
8045 A wise person makes his own decisions, a weak one obeys public opinion.
8048 A witty saying proves nothing.
8051 A wizard cannot do everything; a fact most magicians are reticent to admit,
8052 let alone discuss with prospective clients. Still, the fact remains that
8053 there are certain objects, and people, that are, for one reason or another,
8054 completely immune to any direct magical spell. It is for this group of
8055 beings that the magician learns the subtleties of using indirect spells.
8056 It also does no harm, in dealing with these matters, to carry a large club
8057 near your person at all times.
8058 -- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Volume VIII
8060 A woman can look both moral and exciting -- if she also looks as if it
8061 were quite a struggle.
8064 A woman can never be too rich or too thin.
8066 A woman did what a woman had to, the best way she knew how.
8067 To do more was impossible, to do less, unthinkable.
8068 -- Dirisha, "The Man Who Never Missed"
8070 A woman employs sincerity only when every other form of deception has failed.
8073 A woman, especially if she have the misfortune
8074 of knowing anything, should conceal it as well as she can.
8077 A woman forgives the audacity of which
8078 her beauty has prompted us to be guilty.
8081 A woman has got to love a bad man once or twice in her life to be
8082 thankful for a good one.
8083 -- Marjorie Kinnan Rawlings
8085 A woman is like your shadow; follow her, she flies; fly from her,
8089 A woman is like your shadow; follow her,
8090 she flies; fly from her, she follows.
8093 A woman may very well form a friendship with a man, but for this to endure,
8094 it must be assisted by a little physical antipathy.
8097 A woman may very well form a friendship with a man, but for this to
8098 endure, it must be assisted by a little physical antipathy.
8101 A woman must be a cute, cuddly, naive little thing -- tender, sweet,
8105 A woman must be a cute, cuddly, naive
8106 little thing -- tender, sweet, and stupid.
8109 A woman of generous character will sacrifice her life a thousand times
8110 over for her lover, but will break with him for ever over a question of
8111 pride -- for the opening or the shutting of a door.
8114 A woman physician has made the statement that smoking is neither
8115 physically defective nor morally degrading, and that nicotine, even
8116 when indulged to in excess, is less harmful than excessive petting."
8117 -- Purdue Exponent, Jan 16, 1925
8119 A woman shouldn't have to buy her own perfume.
8122 A woman went into a hospital one day to give birth. Afterwards, the doctor
8123 came to her and said, "I have some... odd news for you."
8124 "Is my baby all right?" the woman anxiously asked.
8125 "Yes, he is," the doctor replied, "but we don't know how. Your son
8126 (we assume) was born with no body. He only has a head."
8127 Well, the doctor was correct. The Head was alive and well, though no
8128 one knew how. The Head turned out to be fairly normal, ignoring his lack of
8129 a body, and lived for some time as typical a life as could be expected under
8131 One day, about twenty years after the fateful birth, the woman got a
8132 phone call from another doctor. The doctor said, "I have recently perfected
8133 an operation. Your son can live a normal life now: we can graft a body onto
8135 The woman, practically weeping with joy, thanked the doctor and hung
8136 up. She ran up the stairs saying, "Johnny, Johnny, I have a *wonderful*
8138 "Oh no," cried The Head, "not another HAT!"
8140 A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.
8143 A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.
8144 Therefore, a man without a woman is like a bicycle without a fish.
8146 A woman's best protection is a little money of her own.
8147 -- Clare Booth Luce, quoted in "The Wit of Women"
8149 A woman's place is in the house... and in the Senate.
8151 A word to the wise is enough.
8152 -- Miguel de Cervantes
8154 A would-be disciple came to Nasrudin's hut on the mountain-side. Knowing
8155 that every action of such an enlightened one is significant, the seeker
8156 watched the teacher closely. "Why do you blow on your hands?" "To warm
8157 myself in the cold." Later, Nasrudin poured bowls of hot soup for himself
8158 and the newcomer, and blew on his own. "Why are you doing that, Master?"
8159 "To cool the soup." Unable to trust a man who uses the same process
8160 to arrive at two different results -- hot and cold -- the disciple departed.
8162 A writer is congenitally unable to tell the truth and that is why we call
8163 what he writes fiction.
8166 A yawn is a silent shout.
8169 A year spent in Artificial Intelligence is enough to make one believe in God.
8171 A young girl once committed suicide because her mother refused her a new
8172 bonnet. Coroner's verdict: "Death from excessive spunk."
8173 -- Sacramento Daily Union, September 13, 1860
8175 A young man and his girlfriend were walking along Main Street when she spotted
8176 a beautiful diamond ring in a jewelry-store window. "Wow, I'd sure love to
8177 have that!" she gushed.
8178 "No problem," her companion replied, throwing a brick through the
8179 window and grabbing the ring.
8180 A few blocks later, the woman admired a full-length sable coat. "What
8181 I'd give to own that," she said, sighing.
8182 "No problem," he said, throwing a brick through the window and grabbing
8184 Finally, turning for home, they passed a car dealership. "Boy, I'd do
8185 anything for one of those Rolls-Royces," she said.
8186 "Jeez, baby," the guy moaned, "you think I'm made of bricks?"
8188 A young man enters the New York branch of Tiffany's on a Friday evening and
8189 walks up to a display case full of pearl necklaces. He turns to a gorgeous
8190 woman, who is obviously windowshopping, looks her straight in the eye and
8191 says, "I can tell by your eyes that you really want that necklace. If you'll
8192 allow me, I'd like to buy it for you."
8193 The woman looks him up and down; he's wearing a nice suit and some
8194 pretty nice jewelry, but she has trouble believing this story.
8195 "Look, this is some kind of put on, right?"
8196 "No, really. You see, I've got quite a lot of money -- so much that
8197 I could never spend it all. I'd really like for you to have it."
8198 The guys whips out his checkbook, writes a check for five figures,
8199 calls over a clerk and hands it to him. The clerk peers at the check, looks
8200 at the young man, looks at the check again. "Very good, sir. I'm afraid I
8201 can't release the necklace immediately, would Monday be all right?"
8202 "That'll be fine, she'll pick it up." the man replies, and walks out
8203 of the store with the woman following him in a daze.
8204 The next Monday the man comes back in and walks up to the counter.
8205 The same clerk hurries over to him and says, "Sir, I'm sorry to have to tell
8206 you this, but your check was returned for insufficient funds."
8207 "I know," the man replies. "I just wanted to thank you for a
8210 A young man wrote to Mozart and said:
8212 Q: "Herr Mozart, I am thinking of writing symphonies. Can you give me any
8213 suggestions as to how to get started?"
8214 A: "A symphony is a very complex musical form, perhaps you should begin with
8215 some simple lieder and work your way up to a symphony."
8216 Q: "But Herr Mozart, you were writing symphonies when you were 8 years old."
8217 A: "But I never asked anybody how."
8219 A.A.A.A.A.: An organization for drunks who drive.
8221 AA
\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\aAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaccccccccckkkkkk!!!!!!!!!
8222 You brute! Knock before entering a ladies room!
8224 Abandon the search for Truth; settle for a good fantasy.
8226 Abbott's Admonitions:
8227 1: If you have to ask, you're not entitled to know.
8228 2: If you don't like the answer, you shouldn't have asked
8230 -- Charles Abbot, dean, University of Virginia
8232 Aberdeen was so small that when the family with the car went
8233 on vacation, the gas station and drive-in theatre had to close.
8235 Abou Ben Adhem (may his tribe increase!)
8236 Awoke one night from a deep dream of peace,
8237 And saw, within the moonlight in his room,
8238 Making it rich, and like a lily in bloom,
8239 An angel writing in a book of gold.
8240 Exceeding peace had made Ben Adhem bold,
8241 And to the presence in the room he said,
8242 "What writest thou?" The vision raised its head,
8243 And with a look made of all sweet accord,
8244 Answered, "The names of those who love the Lord."
8245 "And is mine one?" said Abou. "Nay not so,"
8246 Replied the angel. Abou spoke more low,
8247 But cheerly still; and said, "I pray thee then,
8248 Write me as one that loves his fellow-men."
8249 The angel wrote, and vanished. The next night
8250 It came again with a great wakening light,
8251 And showed the names whom love of God had blessed,
8252 And lo! Ben Adhem's name led all the rest.
8253 -- James Henry Leigh Hunt, "Abou Ben Adhem"
8255 About all some men accomplish in life is to send a son to Harvard.
8257 About the only thing on a farm that has an easy time is the dog.
8259 About the only thing we have left that actually
8260 discriminates in favor of the plain people is the stork.
8262 About the time we think we can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends.
8265 About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt
8266 ax. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead.
8267 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
8269 Above all else - sky.
8271 Above all things, reverence yourself.
8273 Abraham Lincoln didn't die in vain. He died in Washington, D.C.
8276 To be unexpectedly called away to the bedside
8277 of a dying relative and miss the return train.
8280 To be unexpectedly called away to the bedside of a dying relative
8281 and miss the return train.
8283 Absence diminishes mediocre passions and increases
8284 great ones, as the wind blows out candles and fans fires.
8287 Absence in love is like water upon fire;
8288 a little quickens, but much extinguishes it.
8291 Absence is to love what wind is to fire. It extinguishes the small,
8292 it enkindles the great.
8294 Absence makes the heart forget.
8296 Absence makes the heart go wander.
8298 Absence makes the heart grow fonder.
8301 Absence makes the heart grow fonder -- of somebody else.
8303 Absence makes the heart grow frantic.
8306 Exposed to the attacks of friends and
8307 acquaintances; defamed; slandered.
8310 A person with an income who has had the forethought
8311 to remove themselves from the sphere of exaction.
8313 Absinthe makes the tart grow fonder.
8315 Absolutum obsoletum. (If it works, it's out of date.)
8319 A weak person who yields to the
8320 temptation of denying himself a pleasure.
8323 This study examined the incidence of neckwear tightness among a group
8324 of 94 white-collar working men and the effect of a tight business-shirt collar
8325 and tie on the visual performance of 22 male subjects. Of the white-collar
8326 men measured, 67% were found to be wearing neckwear that was tighter than
8327 their neck circumference. The visual discrimination of the 22 subjects was
8328 evaluated using a critical flicker frequency (CFF) test. Results of the CFF
8329 test indicated that tight neckwear significantly decreased the visual
8330 performance of the subjects and that visual performance did not improve
8331 immediately when tight neckwear was removed.
8332 -- Langan, L.M. and Watkins, S.M. "Pressure of Menswear on the
8333 Neck in Relation to Visual Performance." Human Factors 29,
8334 #1 (Feb. 1987), pp. 67-71.
8337 A statement or belief manifestly
8338 inconsistent with one's own opinion.
8340 Academic politics is the most vicious and bitter form of politics,
8341 because the stakes are so low.
8344 Academicians care, that's who.
8347 A modern school where football is taught.
8349 An archaic school where football is not taught.
8351 Accent on helpful side of your nature. Drain the moat.
8353 Accept people for what they are -- completely unacceptable.
8356 An unsuccessful attempt to find bugs.
8358 Acceptance without proof is the fundamental characteristic of Western
8359 religion. Rejection without proof is the fundamental characteristic
8361 -- Gary Zukav, "The Dancing Wu Li Masters"
8363 Acceptance without proof is the fundamental characteristic of Western
8364 religion; rejection without proof is the fundamental characteristic of
8366 -- Gary Zukav, "The Dancing Wu Li Masters"
8369 A condition in which presence of mind is good,
8370 but absence of body is better.
8371 -- Foolish Dictionary
8374 Colonel Gray, of Petaluma, came near losing his life a few days ago,
8375 in a singular manner. A gentleman with whom he was hunting attempted to
8376 bring down a dove, but instead of doing so put the load of shot through the
8377 Colonel's hat. One shot took effect in his forehead.
8378 -- Sacramento Daily Union, April 20, 1861
8380 Accidents cause History.
8382 If Sigismund Unbuckle had taken a walk in 1426 and met Wat Tyler, the
8383 Peasant's Revolt would never have happened and the motor car would not
8384 have been invented until 2026, which would have meant that all the oil
8385 could have been used for lamps, thus saving the electric light bulb and
8386 the whale, and nobody would have caught Moby Dick or Billy Budd.
8387 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
8389 According to a recent and unscientific national survey, smiling is something
8390 everyone should do at least 6 times a day. In an effort to increase the
8391 national average (the US ranks third among the world's superpowers in
8392 smiling), Xerox has instructed all personnel to be happy, effervescent, and
8393 most importantly, to smile. Xerox employees agree, and even feel strongly
8394 that they can not only meet but surpass the national average... except for
8395 Tubby Ackerman. But because Tubby does such a fine job of racing around
8396 parking lots with a large butterfly net retrieving floating IC chips, Xerox
8397 decided to give him a break. If you see Tubby in a parking lot he may have
8398 a sheepish grin. This is where the expression, "Service with a slightly
8399 sheepish grin" comes from.
8401 According to all the latest reports,
8402 there was no truth in any of the earlier reports.
8404 According to Arkansas law, Section 4761, Pope's Digest: "No person
8405 shall be permitted under any pretext whatever, to come nearer than
8406 fifty feet of any door or window of any polling room, from the opening
8407 of the polls until the completion of the count and the certification of
8410 According to convention there is a sweet and a bitter, a hot and a cold,
8411 and according to convention, there is an order. In truth, there are atoms
8413 -- Democritus, 400 B.C.
8415 According to my best recollection, I don't remember.
8416 -- Vincent "Jimmy Blue Eyes" Alo
8418 According to the latest official figures,
8419 43% of all statistics are totally worthless.
8421 According to the Rand McNally Places-Rated Almanac, the best place to live in
8422 America is the city of Pittsburgh. The city of New York came in twenty-fifth.
8423 Here in New York we really don't care too much. Because we know that we could
8424 beat up their city anytime.
8427 According to the Rand McNally Places-Rated Almanac, the best place to live in
8428 America is the city of Pittsburgh. The city of New York came in twenty-fifth.
8429 Here in New York we really don't care too much. Because we know that we could
8430 beat up their city anytime.
8434 A bagpipe with pleats.
8437 The vice of being right.
8439 Acid -- better living through chemistry.
8441 Acid absorbs 47 times its own weight in excess Reality.
8444 A person whom we know well enough to borrow from but not well
8445 enough to lend to. A degree of friendship called slight when the
8446 object is poor or obscure, and intimate when he is rich or famous.
8449 Acting is an art which consists of keeping the audience from coughing.
8451 Acting is not very hard. The most important things are to be able to laugh
8452 and cry. If I have to cry, I think of my sex life. And if I have to laugh,
8453 well, I think of my sex life.
8458 Boris Karloff William Henry Pratt
8459 Cary Grant Archibald Leach
8460 Edward G. Robinson Emmanual Goldenburg
8461 Gene Wilder Gerald Silberman
8462 John Wayne Marion Morrison
8463 Kirk Douglas Issur Danielovitch
8464 Richard Burton Richard Jenkins Jr.
8465 Roy Rogers Leonard Slye
8466 Woody Allen Allen Stewart Konigsberg
8468 Actor: So what do you do for a living?
8469 Doris: I work for a company that makes deceptively shallow serving
8470 dishes for Chinese restaurants.
8471 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
8473 Actresses will happen in the best regulated families.
8474 -- Addison Mizner and Oliver Herford, "The Entirely
8475 New Cynic's Calendar", 1905
8477 Actually, my goal is to have a sandwich named after me.
8479 Actually, the probability is 100% that the elevator
8480 will be going in the right direction. Proof by induction:
8482 N=1. Trivially true, since both you and the elevator
8483 only have one floor to go to.
8485 Assume true for N, prove for N+1:
8486 If you are on any of the first N floors, then it is true by the
8487 induction hypothesis. If you are on the N+1st floor, then both you
8488 and the elevator have only one choice, namely down. Therefore,
8489 it is true for all N+1 floors.
8492 Ad astra per aspera. (To the stars by aspiration.)
8495 Something you need only know the name of to be an Expert in
8496 Computing. Useful in sentences like, "We had better develop
8498 -- "Datamation", January 15, 1984
8501 Something you need to know the name of to be an Expert in Computing.
8502 Useful in sentences like, "We had better develop an ADA awareness."
8505 Something you need only know the name of to be an Expert in
8506 Computing. Useful in sentences like, "We had better develop an ADA
8509 Adde parvum parvo manus acervus erit.
8510 [Add little to little and there will be a big pile.]
8513 Adding features does not necessarily increase
8514 functionality -- it just makes the manuals thicker.
8516 Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later.
8517 -- F. Brooks, "The Mythical Man-Month"
8519 Whenever one person is found adequate to the discharge of a duty by
8520 close application thereto, it is worse execute by two persons and
8521 scarcely done at all if three or more are employed therein.
8522 -- George Washington, 1732-1799
8524 Adding sound to movies would be like
8525 putting lipstick on the Venus de Milo.
8526 -- actress Mary Pickford, 1925
8528 Adhere to your own act, and congratulate yourself if you have done
8529 something strange and extravagant, and broken the monotony of a
8531 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
8533 Adler's Distinction:
8534 Language is all that separates us from the lower animals,
8535 and from the bureaucrats.
8538 Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves.
8541 The stage between puberty and adultery.
8544 To venerate expectantly.
8547 One old enough to know better.
8551 Advancement in position.
8553 Advertisements contain the only
8554 truths to be relied on in a newspaper.
8557 Advertising is the rattling of a stick inside a swill bucket.
8560 Advertising may be described as the science of arresting the human
8561 intelligence long enough to get money from it.
8564 In writing a patent-medicine advertisement, first convince the
8565 reader that he has the disease he is reading about; secondly,
8568 Advice from an old carpenter: measure twice, saw once.
8570 Advice is a dangerous gift; be cautious about giving and receiving it.
8572 African violet: Such worth is rare
8573 Apple blossom: Preference
8574 Bachelor's button: Celibacy
8575 Bay leaf: I change but in death
8576 Camelia: Reflected loveliness
8577 Chrysanthemum, red: I love
8578 Chrysanthemum, white: Truth
8579 Chrysanthemum, other: Slighted love
8583 Forget-me-not: True love
8585 Gardenia: Secret, untold love
8586 Honeysuckle: Bonds of love
8587 Ivy: Friendship, fidelity, marriage
8588 Jasmine: Amiability, transports of joy, sensuality
8589 Leaves (dead): Melancholy
8590 Lilac: Youthful innocence
8591 Lilly: Purity, sweetness
8592 Lilly of the valley: Return of happiness
8593 Magnolia: Dignity, perseverance
8594 * An upside-down blossom reverses the meaning.
8596 After 35 years, I have finished a comprehensive study of European
8597 comparative law. In Germany, under the law, everything is prohibited,
8598 except that which is permitted. In France, under the law, everything
8599 is permitted, except that which is prohibited. In the Soviet Union,
8600 under the law, everything is prohibited, including that which is
8601 permitted. And in Italy, under the law, everything is permitted,
8602 especially that which is prohibited.
8604 Speech to the Association of American Law Schools, 1985
8606 After a few boring years, socially meaningful rock 'n' roll died out.
8607 It was replaced by disco, which offers no guidance to any form of life
8608 more advanced than the lichen family.
8611 After a number of decimal places, nobody gives a damn.
8613 After a while you learn the subtle difference
8614 Between holding a hand and chaining a soul,
8615 And you learn that love doesn't mean security,
8616 And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts
8617 And presents aren't promises
8618 And you begin to accept your defeats
8619 With your head up and your eyes open,
8620 With the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child,
8621 And you learn to build all your roads
8622 On today because tomorrow's ground
8623 Is too uncertain. And futures have
8624 A way of falling down in midflight,
8625 After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much.
8626 So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting
8627 For someone to bring you flowers.
8628 And you learn that you really can endure...
8629 That you really are strong,
8630 And you really do have worth
8631 And you learn and learn
8632 With every goodbye you learn.
8633 -- Veronic Shoffstall, "Comes the Dawn"
8635 After all, all he did was string together
8636 a lot of old, well-known quotations.
8637 -- H.L. Mencken, on Shakespeare
8639 After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said than done.
8641 After all, it is only the mediocre who are always at their best.
8644 After all my erstwhile dear,
8645 My no longer cherished,
8646 Need we say it was not love,
8647 Just because it perished?
8648 -- Edna St. Vincent Millay
8650 After all, what is your hosts' purpose in having a party? Surely not for
8651 you to enjoy yourself; if that were their sole purpose, they'd have simply
8652 sent champagne and women over to your place by taxi.
8655 After an instrument has been assembled,
8656 extra components will be found on the bench.
8658 After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the
8659 month than you did before.
8661 After [Benjamin] Franklin came a herd of Electrical Pioneers whose names
8662 have become part of our electrical terminology: Myron Volt, Mary Louise Amp,
8663 James Watt, Bob Transformer, etc. These pioneers conducted many important
8664 electrical experiments. For example, in 1780 Luigi Galvani discovered (this
8665 is the truth) that when he attached two different kinds of metal to the leg
8666 of a frog, an electrical current developed and the frog's leg kicked, even
8667 though it was no longer attached to the frog, which was dead anyway.
8668 Galvani's discovery led to enormous advances in the field of amphibian
8669 medicine. Today, skilled veterinary surgeons can take a frog that has been
8670 seriously injured or killed, implant pieces of metal in its muscles, and
8671 watch it hop back into the pond just like a normal frog, except for the fact
8672 that it sinks like a stone.
8673 -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"
8675 After his Ignoble Disgrace, Satan was being expelled from
8676 Heaven. As he passed through the Gates, he paused a moment in thought,
8677 and turned to God and said, "A new creature called Man, I hear, is soon
8679 "This is true," He replied.
8680 "He will need laws," said the Demon slyly.
8681 "What! You, his appointed Enemy for all Time! You ask for the
8682 right to make his laws?"
8683 "Oh, no!" Satan replied, "I ask only that he be allowed to make
8687 After his legs had been broken in an accident, Mr. Miller sued for damages,
8688 claiming that he was crippled and would have to spend the rest of his life
8689 in a wheelchair. Although the insurance-company doctor testified that his
8690 bones had healed properly and that he was fully capable of walking, the
8691 judge decided for the plaintiff and awarded him $500,000.
8692 When he was wheeled into the insurance office to collect his check,
8693 Miller was confronted by several executives. "You're not getting away with
8694 this, Miller," one said. "We're going to watch you day and night. If you
8695 take a single step, you'll not only repay the damages but stand trial for
8696 perjury. Here's the money. What do you intend to do with it?"
8697 "My wife and I are going to travel," Miller replied. "We'll go to
8698 Stockholm, Berlin, Rome, Athens and, finally, to a place called Lourdes --
8699 where, gentlemen, you'll see yourselves one hell of a miracle."
8701 After living in New York, you trust nobody,
8702 but you believe everything. Just in case.
8704 ...[after the announcement of Vanguard] ... Secretary of Defense Charles
8705 Wilson (the same "Engine Charlie" who once told the Senate, "[F]or years
8706 I've thought that what was good for our country was good for General Motors,
8707 and vice versa," probably an accurate analysis) was asked whether the
8708 Russians might beat the Americans into orbit. "I wouldn't care if they
8709 did," he responded. (It was later claimed that Wilson favored the
8710 development of the automatic transmission so that he could drive with
8711 one foot in his mouth.)
8712 -- Smithsonian's Air&Space Magazine, "The Day the Rocket Died"
8714 After the game the king and the pawn go in the same box.
8717 After the ground war began, captured Iraqi soldiers said any of them caught
8718 by superiors wearing a white T-shirt would be executed because of the ease
8719 with which the shirts could be used as surrender flags. Some Iraqi soldiers
8720 carried bleach with them to make their dark shirts white.
8721 -- Chuck Shepherd, Funny Times, May 1991
8723 After the last of 16 mounting screws has been removed from an access
8724 cover, it will be discovered that the wrong access cover has been removed.
8726 After this was written there appeared a remarkable posthumous memoir that
8727 throws some doubt on Millikan's leading role in these experiments. Harvey
8728 Fletcher (1884-1981), who was a graduate student at the University of Chicago,
8729 at Millikan's suggestion worked on the measurement of electronic charge for
8730 his doctoral thesis, and co-authored some of the early papers on this subject
8731 with Millikan. Fletcher left a manuscript with a friend with instructions
8732 that it be published after his death; the manuscript was published in
8733 Physics Today, June 1982, page 43. In it, Fletcher claims that he was the
8734 first to do the experiment with oil drops, was the first to measure charges on
8735 single droplets, and may have been the first to suggest the use of oil.
8736 According to Fletcher, he had expected to be co-authored with Millikan on
8737 the crucial first article announcing the measurement of the electronic
8738 charge, but was talked out of this by Millikan.
8739 -- Steven Weinberg, "The Discovery of Subatomic Particles"
8741 Robert Millikan is generally credited with making the first really
8742 precise measurement of the charge on an electron and was awarded the
8743 Nobel Prize in 1923.
8745 After two or three weeks of this madness, you begin to feel As One with
8746 the man who said, "No news is good news." In twenty-eight papers, only
8747 the rarest kind of luck will turn up more than two or three articles of
8748 any interest... but even then the interest items are usually buried
8749 deep around paragraph 16 on the jump (or "Cont. on ...") page...
8751 The Post will have a story about Muskie making a speech in Iowa. The
8752 Star will say the same thing, and the Journal will say nothing at all.
8753 But the Times might have enough room on the jump page to include a line
8754 or so that says something like: "When he finished his speech, Muskie
8755 burst into tears and seized his campaign manager by the side of the
8756 neck. They grappled briefly, but the struggle was kicked apart by an
8757 oriental woman who seemed to be in control."
8759 Now that's good journalism. Totally objective; very active and
8760 straight to the point.
8761 -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing '72"
8763 After years of research, scientists recently reported that there is,
8764 indeed, arroz in Spanish Harlem.
8766 After your lover has gone you will still have PEANUT BUTTER!
8769 That part of the day we spend worrying
8770 about how we wasted the morning.
8772 Afternoon very favorable for romance. Try a single person for a change.
8774 Against Idleness and Mischief
8776 How doth the little busy bee How skillfully she builds her cell!
8777 Improve each shining hour, How neat she spreads the wax!
8778 And gather honey all the day And labours hard to store it well
8779 From every opening flower! With the sweet food she makes.
8781 In works of labour or of skill In books, or work, or healthful play,
8782 I would be busy too; Let my first years be passed,
8783 For Satan finds some mischief still That I may give for every day
8784 For idle hands to do. Some good account at last.
8785 -- Isaac Watts, 1674-1748
8787 Against stupidity the very gods Themselves contend in vain.
8788 -- Friedrich von Schiller, "The Maid of Orleans", III, 6
8790 Age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill.
8792 Age is a tyrant who forbids,
8793 at the penalty of life, all the pleasures of youth.
8796 Almost everything in life is easier to get into than out of.
8798 Agree with them now, it will save so much time.
8800 Ah, but a man's grasp should exceed his reach,
8801 Or what's a heaven for ?
8802 -- Robert Browning, "Andrea del Sarto"
8804 Ah, my friends, from the prison, they ask unto me,
8805 "How good, how good does it feel to be free?"
8806 And I answer them most mysteriously:
8807 "Are birds free from the chains of the sky-way?"
8810 Ah, sweet Springtime, when a young man lightly turns his fancy over!
8812 Ah, the Tsar's bazaar's bizarre beaux-arts!
8814 Ahead warp factor one, Mr. Sulu.
8816 Ahhhhhh... the smell of cuprinol and mahogany. It
8817 excites me to... acts of passion... acts of... ineptitude.
8819 Aide to Raygun: Sir, the poor are outside protesting your budget cuts.
8820 Raygun himself: Tell them they'll have to help themselves.
8821 Aide to Raygun: Sir, the Pentagon wants another $30 billion.
8822 Raygun himself: Tell them to help themselves.
8824 Aim for the moon. If you miss, you may hit a star.
8827 Ain't no right way to do a wrong thing.
8828 -- The Mad Dogtender
8830 Ain't nothin' an old man can do for me but
8831 bring me a message from a young man.
8834 "Ain't that something what happened today. One of us got traded to
8836 -- Casey Stengel, informing outfielder Bob Cerv he'd
8840 A nutritious substance supplied by
8841 a bountiful Providence for the fattening of the poor.
8844 Air Force Inertia Axiom:
8845 Consistency is always easier to defend than correctness.
8847 Air is water with holes in it.
8849 Air pollution is really making us pay through the nose.
8851 Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value.
8852 -- Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy,
8853 Ecole Superieure de Guerre
8855 Al didn't smile for forty years. You've got to admire a man like that.
8856 -- from "Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman"
8858 Alan Turing thought about criteria to settle the question of whether
8859 machines can think, a question of which we now know that it is about
8860 as relevant as the question of whether submarines can swim.
8861 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
8863 Alas, how love can trifle with itself!
8864 -- William Shakespeare, "The Two Gentlemen of Verona"
8866 Alas, I am dying beyond my means.
8867 -- Oscar Wilde [as he sipped champagne on his deathbed]
8872 Albert Camus wrote that the only serious question is whether to kill yourself
8873 or not. Tom Robbins wrote that the only serious question is whether time has
8874 a beginning and an end. Camus clearly got up on the wrong side of bed, and
8875 Robbins must have forgotten to set the alarm.
8879 Social innovations tend to the level
8880 of minimum tolerable well-being.
8882 Alcohol, hashish, prussic acid, strychnine are weak dilutions.
8883 The surest poison is time.
8884 -- Emerson, "Society and Solitude"
8886 Alcohol is the anesthesia by which we endure the operation of life.
8887 -- George Bernard Shaw
8890 (1) Giving away baby clothes and furniture is the major cause
8892 (2) Always be backlit.
8893 (3) Sit down whenever possible.
8896 1: Giving away baby clothes and furniture is the major cause
8898 2: Always be backlit.
8899 3: Sit down whenever possible.
8901 Aleph-null bottles of beer on the wall,
8902 Aleph-null bottles of beer,
8903 You take one down, and pass it around,
8904 Aleph-null bottles of beer on the wall.
8906 Alex Haley was adopted!
8908 Alexander Graham Bell is alive and well
8909 in New York, and still waiting for a dial tone.
8911 Alexander Hamilton started the U.S. Treasury with nothing - and that was
8912 the closest our country has ever been to being even.
8913 -- The Best of Will Rogers
8915 Algebraic symbols are used when you do not know what you are talking about.
8916 -- Philippe Schnoebelen
8918 Algebraic symbols are used when you don't know what you're talking about.
8920 Algol-60 surely must be regarded as the most
8921 important programming language yet developed.
8925 Trendy dance for hip programmers.
8927 Alimony and bribes will engage a large share of your wealth.
8929 Alimony is a system by which, when two people
8930 make a mistake, one of them continues to pay for it.
8933 Alimony is like buying oats for a dead horse.
8936 Alimony is the curse of the writing classes.
8939 Alimony is the high cost of leaving.
8941 Aliquid melius quam pessimum optimum non est.
8943 Alive without breath,
8945 Never thirsty, ever drinking,
8946 All in mail ever clinking.
8948 All a man needs out of life is a place to sit 'n' spit in the fire.
8950 All art is but imitation of nature.
8951 -- Lucius Annaeus Seneca
8953 All articles that coruscate with resplendence are not truly auriferous.
8955 All bad precedents began as justifiable measures.
8956 -- Gaius Julius Caesar, quoted in "The Conspiracy of
8957 Catiline", by Sallust
8959 All business is based on the mutual trust of one of the parts.
8960 -- Poul Henningsen [1894-1967]
8962 All constants are variables.
8964 All diplomacy is a continuation of war by other means.
8969 Smoke a friend today.
8971 All generalizations are false, including this one.
8974 All God's children are not beautiful. Most of God's children are, in fact,
8976 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life"
8978 All Gods were immortal.
8979 -- Stanislaw J. Lem, "Unkempt Thoughts"
8981 All great discoveries are made by mistake.
8984 All great ideas are controversial, or have been at one time.
8986 All heiresses are beautiful.
8989 All his life he has looked away... to the horizon, to the sky,
8990 to the future. Never his mind on where he was, on what he was doing.
8993 All hope abandon, ye who enter here!
8996 All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
8998 All I kin say is when you finds yo'self wanderin' in a peach orchard,
8999 ya don't go lookin' for rutabagas.
9002 All I know is what the words know, and dead things, and that
9003 makes a handsome little sum, with a beginning and a middle and
9004 an end, as in the well-built phrase and the long sonata of the dead.
9007 All I need to have a good time,
9008 Is a reefer, a woman and a bottle of wine.
9009 With those three things I don't need no sunshine,
9010 A reefer, a woman and a bottle of wine.
9012 All I want is to never grow old,
9013 I want to wash in a bathtub of gold.
9014 I want 97 kilos already rolled,
9015 I want to wash in a bathtub of gold.
9017 I want to light my cigars with 10 dollar bills,
9018 I like to have a cattle ranch in Beverly Hills.
9019 I want a bottle of Red Eye that's always filled,
9020 I like to have a cattle ranch in Beverly Hills.
9021 -- Country Joe and the Fish, "Zachariah"
9023 All I want is a warm bed and a kind word and unlimited power.
9024 -- Ashleigh Brilliant
9026 All intelligent species own cats.
9028 All is fear in love and war.
9030 All is well that ends well.
9033 All I've got left on the list of desirable vocations is heiress to the
9034 throne of any country in Western Europe and Laurie Anderson. "Be
9035 practical", was the choral reply from the dinner table. Well, Laurie
9036 Anderson is already Laurie Anderson, but I read an article in Harpers
9037 that said there were eleven countries, in the world this is I think,
9038 that have queens as sovereign rulers. That's probably my best shot.
9040 All kings is mostly rapscallions.
9043 All laws are simulations of reality.
9046 All life evolves by the differential survival of replicating entities.
9049 All men have the right to wait in line.
9051 All men know the utility of useful things;
9052 but they do not know the utility of futility.
9055 All men profess honesty as long as they can.
9056 To believe all men honest would be folly.
9057 To believe none so is something worse.
9058 -- John Quincy Adams
9060 All most men really want in life is a wife, a house, two kids and a car,
9061 a cat, no maybe a dog. Ummm, scratch one of the kids and add a dog.
9064 All most people ask of life is a constant
9065 and exaggerated sense of their own importance.
9067 All most people want is a little more than they'll ever get.
9069 All my friends and I are crazy.
9070 That's the only thing that keeps us sane.
9072 All my friends are getting married,
9073 Yes, they're all growing old,
9074 They're all staying home on the weekend,
9075 They're all doing what they're told.
9077 All my life I wanted to be someone; I guess I should have been more specific.
9081 Parts not interchangeable with previous model.
9083 All newspaper editorial writers ever do is come down from
9084 the hills after the battle is over and shoot the wounded.
9086 All of the animals except man know that
9087 the principal business of life is to enjoy it.
9089 All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs
9090 synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to
9091 rob a department store... with a pricing gun... She said, "Give me all
9092 of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store."
9095 All of us should treasure his Oriental wisdom and his preaching of a
9096 Zen-like detachment, as exemplified by his constant reminder to clerks,
9097 tellers, or others who grew excited by his presence in their banks:
9098 "Just lie down on the floor and keep calm."
9099 -- Robert Wilson, "John Dillinger Died for You"
9101 All parts should go together without forcing. You must remember that the
9102 parts you are reassembling were disassembled by you. Therefore, if you
9103 can't get them together again, there must be a reason. By all means, do
9105 -- IBM maintenance manual, 1925
9107 All people are born alike -- except Republicans and Democrats.
9110 All phone calls are obscene.
9111 -- Karen Elizabeth Gordon
9113 All possibility of understanding is rooted in the ability to say no.
9116 All programmers are optimists. Perhaps this modern sorcery especially attracts
9117 those who believe in happy endings and fairy godmothers. Perhaps the hundreds
9118 of nitty frustrations drive away all but those who habitually focus on the end
9119 goal. Perhaps it is merely that computers are young, programmers are younger,
9120 and the young are always optimists. But however the selection process works,
9121 the result is indisputable: "This time it will surely run," or "I just found
9123 -- Frederick Brooks, "The Mythical Man Month"
9125 All programmers are playwrights and all computers are lousy actors.
9127 All progress is based upon a universal innate desire of every organism
9128 to live beyond its income.
9129 -- Samuel Butler, "Notebooks"
9131 All science is either physics or stamp collecting.
9132 -- Ernest Rutherford
9134 All seems condemned in the long run
9135 to approximate a state akin to Gaussian noise.
9138 All snakes who wish to remain in Ireland will please raise their right hands.
9141 All syllogisms have three parts, therefore this is not a syllogism.
9143 All that glitters has a high refractive index.
9145 All that glitters is not gold; all that wander are not lost.
9147 All that is gold does not glitter,
9148 Not all those who wander are lost;
9149 The old that is strong does not wither,
9150 Deep roots are not reached by the frost.
9151 From the ashes a fire shall be woken,
9152 A light from the shadows shall spring;
9153 Renewed shall be blade that was broken,
9154 The crownless again shall be king.
9157 All the big corporations depreciate their possessions, and you can, too,
9158 provided you use them for business purposes. For example, if you subscribe
9159 to the Wall Street Journal, a business-related newspaper, you can deduct
9160 the cost of your house, because, in the words of U.S. Supreme Court Chief
9161 Justice Warren Burger in a landmark 1979 tax decision: "Where else are you
9162 going to read the paper? Outside? What if it rains?"
9165 All the evidence concerning the universe
9166 has not yet been collected, so there's still hope.
9168 All the lines have been written There's been Sandburg,
9169 It's sad but it's true Keats, Poe and McKuen
9170 With all the words gone, They all had their day
9171 What's a young poet to do? And knew what they're doin'
9173 But of all the words written The bird is a strange one,
9174 And all the lines read, So small and so tender
9175 There's one I like most, Its breed still unknown,
9176 And by a bird it was said! Not to mention its gender.
9178 It reminds me of days of So what is this line
9179 Both gloom and of light. Whose author's unknown
9180 It still lifts my spirits And still makes me giggle
9181 And starts the day right. Even now that I'm grown?
9183 I've read all the greats
9184 Both starving and fat,
9185 But none was as great as
9186 "I tot I taw a puddy tat."
9187 -- Etta Stallings, "An Ode To Childhood"
9189 All the men on my staff can type.
9192 ...all the modern inconveniences...
9195 All the really good ideas I ever had came to me while I was milking a cow.
9198 All the simple programs have been written.
9200 All the troubles you have will pass away very quickly.
9202 All the world's a stage and most of us are desperately un-rehearsed.
9205 All the world's a VAX,
9206 And all the coders merely butchers;
9207 They have their exits and their entrails;
9208 And one int in his time plays many widths,
9209 His sizeof being N bytes. At first the infant,
9210 Mewling and puking in the Regent's arms.
9211 And then the whining schoolboy, with his Sun,
9212 And shining morning face, creeping like slug
9213 Unwillingly to school.
9214 -- A Very Annoyed PDP-11
9216 All things are possible, except for skiing through a revolving door.
9218 All things being equal, you are bound to lose.
9220 All things that are, are with more spirit chased than enjoyed.
9221 -- Shakespeare, "Merchant of Venice"
9223 All this wheeling and dealing around, why, it isn't for money,
9224 it's for fun. Money's just the way we keep score.
9227 All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.
9229 All warranty and guarantee clauses
9230 become null and void upon payment of invoice.
9232 All we know is the phenomenon: we spend our time sending messages to each
9233 other, talking and trying to listen at the same time, exchanging information.
9234 This seems to be our most urgent biological function; it is what we do with
9236 -- Lewis Thomas, "The Lives of a Cell"
9238 All who joy would win Must share it --
9239 Happiness was born a twin.
9242 All your files have been destroyed (sorry). Paul.
9245 When all else fails, read the instructions.
9248 In international politics, the union of two thieves who
9249 have their hands so deeply inserted in each other's pocket
9250 that they cannot safely plunder a third.
9253 All's well that ends.
9255 Almost anything derogatory you could say
9256 about today's software design would be accurate.
9262 Also, the Scots are said to have invented golf. Then they had
9263 to invent Scotch whiskey to take away the pain and frustration.
9265 alta, v: To change; make or become different; modify.
9266 ansa, v: A spoken or written reply, as to a question.
9267 baa, n: A place people meet to have a few drinks.
9268 Baaston, n: The capital of Massachusetts.
9269 baaba, n: One whose business is to cut or trim hair or beards.
9270 beea, n: An alcoholic beverage brewed from malt and hops, often
9272 caaa, n: An automobile.
9273 centa, n: A point around which something revolves; axis. (Or
9274 someone involved with the Knicks.)
9275 chouda, n: A thick seafood soup, often in a milk base.
9276 dada, n: Information, esp. information organized for analysis or
9278 -- Massachewsetts Unabridged Dictionary
9280 Although it is still a truism in industry that "no one was ever fired for
9281 buying IBM," Bill O'Neil, the chief technology officer at Drexel Burnham
9282 Lambert, says he knows for a fact that someone has been fired for just that
9283 reason. He knows it because he fired the guy.
9284 "He made a bad decision, and what it came down to was, 'Well, I
9285 bought it because I figured it was safe to buy IBM,'" Mr. O'Neil says.
9286 "I said, 'No. Wrong. Game over. Next contestant, please.'"
9287 -- The Wall Street Journal, December 6, 1989
9289 Although written many years ago, Lady Chatterley's Lover has just been
9290 reissued by the Grove Press, and this pictorial account of the day-to-day
9291 life of an English gamekeeper is full of considerable interest to outdoor
9292 minded readers, as it contains many passages on pheasant-raising, the
9293 apprehending of poachers, ways to control vermin, and other chores and duties
9294 of the professional gamekeeper. Unfortunately, one is obliged to wade
9295 through many pages of extraneous material in order to discover and savour
9296 those sidelights on the management of a midland shooting estate, and in this
9297 reviewer's opinion the book cannot take the place of J.R. Miller's "Practical
9299 -- Ed Zern, "Field and Stream", Nov., 1959
9301 Always borrow money from a pessimist; he doesn't expect to be paid back.
9303 Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest.
9306 Always draw your curves, then plot your reading.
9308 Always leave room to add an explanation if it doesn't work out.
9310 Always run from a knife and rush a gun.
9313 Always store beer in a dark place.
9315 Always the dullness of the fool is the whetstone of the wits.
9316 -- William Shakespeare, "As You Like It"
9318 Always there remain portions of our heart
9319 into which no one is able to enter, invite them as we may.
9321 Always think of something new; this
9322 helps you forget your last rotten idea.
9326 If all the salmon caught in Canada in one year were laid end to
9327 end across the Sahara Desert, the smell would be absolutely awful.
9330 There is so much sand in Northern Africa that if it
9331 were spread out it would completely cover the Sahara Desert.
9334 Able to pick with equal skill a right-hand pocket or a left.
9337 Telling the truth when you don't mean to.
9339 Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy.
9343 An overmastering desire to be vilified by enemies while
9344 living and made ridiculous by friends when dead.
9347 America: born free and taxed to death.
9349 America has been discovered before, but it has always been hushed up.
9352 America, how can I write a holy litany in your silly mood?
9355 America is a melting pot. You know, where those on the bottom get burned,
9356 and the scum rises to the top.
9359 America is a stronger nation for the ACLU's uncompromising effort.
9360 -- President John F. Kennedy
9362 The simple rights, the civil liberties from generations of struggle must not
9363 be just fine words for patriotic holidays, words we subvert on weekdays, but
9364 living, honored rules of conduct amongst us...I'm glad the American Civil
9365 Liberties Union gets indignant, and I hope this will always be so.
9366 -- Senator Adlai E. Stevenson
9368 The ACLU has stood foursquare against the recurring tides of hysteria that
9369 from time to time threaten freedoms everywhere... Indeed, it is difficult
9370 to appreciate how far our freedoms might have eroded had it not been for the
9371 Union's valiant representation in the courts of the constitutional rights
9372 of people of all persuasions, no matter how unpopular or even despised
9373 by the majority they were at the time.
9374 -- former Supreme Court Chief Justice Earl Warren
9376 America is the country where you buy a lifetime
9377 supply of aspirin for one dollar, and use it up in two weeks.
9379 America may be unique in being a country which has leapt
9380 from barbarism to decadence without touching civilization.
9383 America was discovered by Amerigo Vespucci and was named after him, until
9384 people got tired of living in a place called "Vespuccia" and changed its
9386 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
9388 America works less, when you say "Union Yes!"
9390 American business long ago gave up on demanding that prospective employees
9391 be honest and hardworking. It has even stopped hoping for employees who
9392 are educated enough that they can tell the difference between the men's room
9393 and the women's room without having little pictures on the doors.
9396 American by birth; Texan by the grace of God.
9398 American cars are made shoddily...
9399 Cars made overseas are far superior.
9400 -- Sen. Barry Goldwater
9402 [Americans] are a race of convicts and ought to be thankful for anything
9403 we allow them short of hanging.
9406 America is a large friendly dog in a small room. Every time it wags its
9407 tail it knocks over a chair.
9410 The United States is like the guy at the party who gives cocaine to
9411 everybody and still nobody likes him.
9414 Americans are people who insist on living in the present, tense.
9416 Americans' greatest fear is that America will turn out
9417 to have been a phenomenon, not a civilization.
9418 -- Shirley Hazzard, "Transit of Venus"
9420 America's best buy for a quarter is a telephone call to the right person.
9422 Amnesia used to be my favorite word, but then I forgot it.
9425 Amoeba/rabbit cross; it can multiply
9426 and divide at the same time.
9428 Among all savage beasts, none is found so harmful as woman.
9429 -- St. John Chrysostom, 304-407.
9431 Among the lucky, you are the chosen one.
9433 An acid is like a woman: a good one will eat through your pants.
9434 -- Mel Gibson, Saturday Night Live
9436 An actor's a guy who if you ain't talkin' about him, ain't listening.
9439 An Ada exception is when a routine gets
9440 in trouble and says 'Beam me up, Scotty'.
9442 An adequate bootstrap is a contradiction in terms.
9444 An Aggie farmer was lifting his hogs, one by one, up to the branches of
9445 his apple trees to graze on the apples. A Texas student walked by and
9446 asked him, "Doesn't that take a lot of time?"
9447 Replied the Aggie, "What's time to a hog?"
9449 An alcoholic is someone you don't like who drinks as much as you do.
9452 An algorithm must be seen to be believed.
9455 An ambassador is an honest man sent abroad
9456 to lie and intrigue for the benefit of his country.
9457 -- Sir Henry Wotton, 1568-1639
9459 An amendment to a motion may be amended, but an amendment to an amendment
9460 to a motion may not be amended. However, a substitute for an amendment to
9461 and amendment to a motion may be adopted and the substitute may be amended.
9462 -- The Montana legislature's contribution to the English
9465 An American is a man with two arms and four wheels.
9468 An American scientist once visited the offices of the great Nobel prize
9469 winning physicist, Niels Bohr, in Copenhagen. He was amazed to find that
9470 over Bohr's desk was a horseshoe, securely nailed to the wall, with the
9471 open end up in the approved manner (so it would catch the good luck and not
9472 let it spill out). The American said with a nervous laugh,
9473 "Surely you don't believe the horseshoe will bring you good luck,
9474 do you, Professor Bohr? After all, as a scientist --"
9476 "I believe no such thing, my good friend. Not at all. I am
9477 scarcely likely to believe in such foolish nonsense. However, I am told
9478 that a horseshoe will bring you good luck whether you believe in it or not."
9480 An American tourist is visiting Russia, and he's talking with a Russian
9481 about the fact that not many people in Russia own cars.
9483 American: "I can't believe you don't have cars here! How do you
9485 Russian: "We take the bus, or the subway. We have public
9486 transportation everywhere."
9487 A: "Well, how do you go on vacations?"
9488 R: "We take the train."
9489 A: "Well, what if you want to go abroad?"
9490 R: "We don't ever want go abroad."
9491 A: "Well, what if you really HAVE to go abroad?"
9494 An American's a person who isn't afraid to criticize
9495 the president but is always polite to traffic cops.
9497 An anthropologist at Tulane has just come back from a field trip to New
9498 Guinea with reports of a tribe so primitive that they have Tide but not
9499 new Tide with lemon-fresh Borax.
9502 An anthropologist at Tulane has just come back from a field trip to
9503 New Guinea with reports of a tribe so primitive that they have Tide but
9504 not new Tide with lemon-fresh Borax.
9507 An aphorism is never exactly true;
9508 it is either a half-truth or one-and-a-half truths.
9511 An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile -- hoping that it will eat
9513 -- Sir Winston Churchill, 1954
9515 An apple a day makes 365 apples a year.
9517 An atheist is a man with no invisible means of support.
9519 An atom-blaster is a good weapon, but it can point both ways.
9522 An attachment a la Plato
9523 for a bashful young potato
9524 or a, not too French, french bean
9525 must excite your languid spleen.
9526 For, if you walk down Picadilly
9527 with a poppy or lily
9528 in your medieval hand,
9530 as you walk your flowery way;
9531 "If this young man is content,
9532 with a vegetable love
9533 which would certainly not content me.
9534 Why, what a very pure young man
9535 this pure young man must be!"
9536 -- W.S. Gilbert, "Patience"
9537 [The subject of the humour is, of course, Oscar Wilde]
9539 An attorney was defending his client against a charge of first-degree
9540 murder. "Your Honor, my client is accused of stuff his lover's
9541 mutilated body into a suitcase and heading for the Mexican border.
9542 Just north of Tijuana a cop spotted her hand sticking out of the
9543 suitcase. Now, I would like to stress that my client is *not* a
9544 murderer. A sloppy packer, maybe..."
9546 An avocado-tone refrigerator would look good on your resume.
9548 An economist is a man who would marry
9549 Farrah Fawcett-Majors for her money.
9551 An editor is one who separates the wheat from the chaff and prints the chaff.
9554 An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.
9556 An efficient and a successful administration manifests
9557 itself equally in small as in great matters.
9560 An egghead is one who stands firmly on both feet,
9561 in mid-air, on both sides of an issue.
9564 An elderly couple were flying to their Caribbean hideaway on a chartered plane
9565 when a terrible storm forced them to land on an uninhabited island. When
9566 several days passed without rescue, the couple and their pilot sank into a
9567 despondent silence. Finally, the woman asked her husband if he had made his
9568 usual pledge to the United Way Campaign.
9569 "We're running out of food and water and you ask *that*?" her husband
9570 barked. "If you really need to know, I not only pledged a half million but
9571 I've already paid them half of it."
9572 "You owe the U.W.C. a *quarter million*?" the woman exclaimed
9573 euphorically. "Don't worry, Harry, they'll find us! They'll find us!"
9575 An elephant is a mouse with an operating system.
9577 An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician find themselves in an
9578 anecdote, indeed an anecdote quite similar to many that you have no doubt
9579 already heard. After some observations and rough calculations the
9580 engineer realizes the situation and starts laughing. A few minutes later
9581 the physicist understands too and chuckles to himself happily as he now
9582 has enough experimental evidence to publish a paper. This leaves the
9583 mathematician somewhat perplexed, as he had observed right away that he
9584 was the subject of an anecdote, and deduced quite rapidly the presence of
9585 humour from similar anecdotes, but considers this anecdote to be too
9586 trivial a corollary to be significant, let alone funny.
9588 An engineer is someone who does list processing in FORTRAN.
9590 An Englishman never enjoys himself, except for a noble purpose.
9593 An evil mind is a great comfort.
9595 An excellence-oriented '80s male does not wear a regular watch. He wears
9596 a Rolex watch, because it weighs nearly six pounds and is advertised
9597 only in excellence-oriented publications such as Fortune and Rich
9598 Protestant Golfer Magazine. The advertisements are written in
9599 incomplete sentences, which is how advertising copywriters denote
9602 "The Rolex Hyperion. An elegant new standard in quality excellence and
9603 discriminating handcraftsmanship. For the individual who is truly able
9604 to discriminate with regard to excellent quality standards of crafting
9605 things by hand. Fabricated of 100 percent 24-karat gold. No watch
9606 parts or anything. Just a great big chunk on your wrist. Truly a
9607 timeless statement. For the individual who is very secure. Who
9608 doesn't need to be reminded all the time that he is very successful.
9609 Much more successful than the people who laughed at him in high
9610 school. Because of his acne. People who are probably nowhere near as
9611 successful as he is now. Maybe he'll go to his 20th reunion, and
9612 they'll see his Rolex Hyperion. Hahahahahahahahaha."
9613 -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence"
9615 ...an experienced, industrious, ambitious, and quite often
9619 An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made, in a
9623 An expert is a person who avoids the small errors
9624 as he sweeps on to the grand fallacy.
9625 -- Benjamin Stolberg
9627 An expert is one who knows more and more about less
9628 and less until he knows absolutely nothing about everything.
9630 An eye in a blue face
9631 Saw an eye in a green face.
9632 "That eye is like this eye"
9637 An Hacker there was, one of the finest sort
9638 Who controlled the system; graphics was his sport.
9639 A manly man, to be a wizard able;
9640 Many a protected file he had sitting on his table.
9641 His console, when he typed, a man might hear
9642 Clicking and feeping wind as clear,
9643 Aye, and as loud as does the machine room bell
9644 Where my lord Hacker was Prior of the cell.
9645 The Rule of good St Savage or St Doeppnor
9646 As old and strict he tended to ignore;
9647 He let go by the things of yesterday
9648 And took the modern world's more spacious way.
9649 He did not rate that text as a plucked hen
9650 Which says that Hackers are not holy men.
9651 And that a hacker underworked is a mere
9652 Fish out of water, flapping on the pier.
9653 That is to say, a hacker out of his cloister.
9654 That was a text he held not worth an oyster.
9655 And I agreed and said his views were sound;
9656 Was he to study till his head wend round
9657 Poring over books in the cloisters? Must he toil
9658 As Andy bade and till the very soil?
9659 Was he to leave the world upon the shelf?
9660 Let Andy have his labor to himself!
9664 An honest politician is one who when he is bought will stay bought.
9667 There are honest journalists like there are honest politicians. When
9668 bought they stay bought.
9671 An honest tale speeds best being plainly told.
9672 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
9674 An idea is not responsible for the people who believe in it.
9676 An idealist is one who helps the other fellow to make a profit.
9679 An idle mind is worth two in the bush.
9681 An infallible method of conciliating a tiger
9682 is to allow oneself to be devoured.
9685 An intellectual is someone whose mind watches itself.
9688 An interpretation I satisfies a sentence in the table language if and only if
9689 each entry in the table designates the value of the function designated by the
9690 function constant in the upper-left corner applied to the objects designated
9691 by the corresponding row and column labels.
9692 -- Genesereth & Nilsson, "Logical foundations of Artificial
9695 An investment in knowledge always pays the best interest.
9696 -- Benjamin Franklin
9698 An old Jewish man reads about Einstein's theory of relativity
9699 in the newspaper and asks his scientist grandson to explain it to him.
9700 "Well, zayda, it's sort of like this. Einstein says that if
9701 you're having your teeth drilled without Novocain, a minute seems like
9702 an hour. But if you're sitting with a beautiful woman on your lap, an
9703 hour seems like a minute."
9704 The old man considers this profound bit of thinking for a
9705 moment and says, "And from this he makes a living?"
9708 An old man is lying on his deathbed with all his children, grandchildren and
9709 great-grandchildren gathered around, teary-eyed at the approaching finale of
9710 a deeply loved family member. The old man is in a light coma, and the doctors
9711 have confirmed that the waiting will be over within the next twenty-four
9712 hours. Suddenly, the old man opens his eyes whispers: "I must be dreaming
9713 of heaven... I smell my daughter Lisle's strudel."
9714 "No, no, grandfather, you are not dreaming", he is reassured.
9715 "Grandmother is baking strudel right now."
9716 A faint smile crosses the old man's face. "Go an get me a sliver of
9717 strudel," he says, "she bakes the finest strudel in the world."
9718 One of the grandchildren is immediately dispatched to honor the old
9719 man's request, and, after what seems a long time, he returns empty-handed.
9720 "Did you bring me some of Lisle's strudel?", the old man quavers.
9721 "I'm... I'm very sorry, grandfather, but she says it's for the
9724 An optimist is a guy that has never had much experience.
9727 An optimist is a man who looks forward to marriage.
9728 A pessimist is a married optimist.
9730 An ounce of clear truth is worth a pound of obfuscation.
9732 An ounce of hypocrisy is worth a pound of ambition.
9735 An ounce of mother is worth a ton of priest.
9738 Anarchy may not be a better form of government,
9739 but it's better than no government at all.
9741 And all that the Lorax left here in this mess
9742 was a small pile of rocks with the one word, "unless."
9743 Whatever THAT meant, well, I just couldn't guess.
9744 That was long, long ago, and each day since that day,
9745 I've worried and worried and worried away.
9746 Through the years as my buildings have fallen apart,
9747 I've worried about it with all of my heart.
9749 "BUT," says the Oncler, "now that you're here,
9750 the word of the Lorax seems perfectly clear!
9751 UNLESS someone like you cares a whole awful lot,
9752 nothing is going to get better - it's not.
9753 So... CATCH!" cries the Oncler. He lets something fall.
9754 "It's a truffula seed. It's the last one of all!
9756 "You're in charge of the last of the truffula seeds.
9757 And truffula trees are what everyone needs.
9758 Plant a new truffula -- treat it with care.
9759 Give it clean water and feed it fresh air.
9760 Grow a forest -- protect it from axes that hack.
9761 Then the Lorax and all of his friends may come back!"
9763 And as we stand on the edge of darkness
9764 Let our chant fill the void
9765 That others may know
9767 In the land of the night
9771 -- Tibetan "Book of the Dead," ca. 4000 BC.
9773 And Bezel saideth unto Sham: `Sham,' he saideth, `Thou shalt goest
9774 unto the town of Begorrah, and there thou shalt fetcheth unto thine
9775 bosom 35 talents, and also shalt thou fetcheth a like number of cubits,
9776 provideth that they are nice and fresh.'
9779 And Bezel saideth unto Sham: "Sham," he saideth, "Thou shalt goest
9780 unto the town of Begorrah, and there thou shalt fetcheth unto thine
9781 bosom 35 talents, and also shalt thou fetcheth a like number of cubits,
9782 provideth that they are nice and fresh."
9783 -- Dave Barry, "Getting Religion"
9785 And did those feet, in ancient times,
9786 Walk upon England's mountains green?
9787 And was the Holy Lamb of God
9788 In England's pleasant pastures seen?
9789 And did the Countenance Divine
9790 Shine forth upon these crowded hills?
9791 And was Jerusalem builded here
9792 Among these dark satanic mills?
9794 Bring me my bow of burning gold!
9795 Bring me my arrows of desire!
9796 Bring me my spears! O clouds unfold!
9797 Bring me my chariot of fire!
9798 I shall not cease from mental fight,
9799 Nor shall my sword rest in my hand,
9800 Till we have built Jerusalem
9801 In England's green and pleasant land.
9802 -- William Blake, "Jerusalem"
9804 And do you think (fop that I am) that I could be the Scarlet Pumpernickel?
9806 And ever has it been known that
9807 love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation.
9810 And he climbed with the lad up the Eiffelberg Tower. "This," cried the Mayor,
9811 "is your town's darkest hour! The time for all Whos who have blood that is red
9812 to come to the aid of their country!" he said. "We've GOT to make noises in
9813 greater amounts! So, open your mouth, lad! For every voice counts!" Thus he
9814 spoke as he climbed. When they got to the top, the lad cleared his throat and
9815 he shouted out, "YOPP!"
9816 And that Yopp... That one last small, extra Yopp put it over!
9817 Finally, at last! From the speck on that clover their voices were heard!
9818 They rang out clear and clean. And they elephant smiled. "Do you see what
9819 I mean?" They've proved they ARE persons, no matter how small. And their
9820 whole world was saved by the smallest of All!"
9821 "How true! Yes, how true," said the big kangaroo. "And, from now
9822 on, you know what I'm planning to do? From now on, I'm going to protect
9823 them with you!" And the young kangaroo in her pouch said, "ME TOO! From
9824 the sun in the summer. From rain when it's fall-ish, I'm going to protect
9825 them. No matter how small-ish!"
9826 -- Dr. Seuss "Horton Hears a Who"
9828 And here I wait so patiently
9829 Waiting to find out what price
9830 You have to pay to get out of
9831 Going thru all of these things twice
9832 -- Dylan, "Memphis Blues Again"
9834 And I alone am returned to wag the tail.
9836 And I heard Jeff exclaim, as they strolled out of sight,
9837 "Merry Christmas to all -- you take credit cards, right?"
9839 And I suppose the little things are harder to get used to than the big
9840 ones. The big ones you get used to, you make up your mind to them. The
9841 little things come along unexpectedly, when you aren't thinking about
9842 them, aren't braced against them.
9843 -- Marion Zimmer Bradley, "The Forbidden Tower"
9845 And I will do all these good works, and I will do them for free!
9846 My only reward will be a tombstone that says "Here lies Gomez
9847 Addams -- he was good for nothing."
9848 -- Jack Sharkey, The Addams Family
9850 And if California slides into the ocean,
9851 Like the mystics and statistics say it will.
9852 I predict this motel will be standing,
9853 Until I've paid my bill.
9854 -- Warren Zevon, "Desperados Under the Eaves"
9856 And if sometime, somewhere, someone asketh thee,
9857 "Who kilt thee?", tell them it 'twas the Doones of Bagworthy!
9861 As I am heading for the sink.
9862 I am spitting out all the bitterness,
9863 Along with half of my last drink.
9865 And in the heartbreak years that lie ahead,
9866 Be true to yourself and the Grateful Dead.
9869 And it should be the law: If you use the word `paradigm' without knowing
9870 what the dictionary says it means, you go to jail. No exceptions.
9873 And malt does more than Milton can to justify God's ways to man.
9876 And miles to go before I sleep.
9878 And now for something completely the same.
9880 And now your toner's toney, Disk blocks aplenty
9881 And your paper near pure white, Await your laser drawn lines,
9882 The smudges on your soul are gone Your intricate fonts,
9883 And your output's clean as light.. Your pictures and signs.
9885 We've labored with your father, Your amputative absence
9886 The venerable XGP, Has made the Ten dumb,
9887 But his slow artistic hand, Without you, Dover,
9888 Lacks your clean velocity. We're system untounged-
9890 Theses and papers DRAW Plots and TEXage
9891 And code in a queue Have been biding their time,
9892 Dover, oh Dover, With LISP code and programs,
9893 We've been waiting for you. And this crufty rhyme.
9895 Dover, oh Dover, Dover, oh Dover, arisen from dead.
9896 We welcome you back, Dover, oh Dover, awoken from bed.
9897 Though still you may jam, Dover, oh Dover, welcome back to the Lab.
9898 You're on the right track. Dover, oh Dover, we've missed your clean
9901 And on the eighth day, we bulldozed it.
9903 And on the seventh day, He exited from append mode.
9905 ...and report cards I was always afraid to show
9906 Mama'd come to school
9907 and as I'd sit there softly cryin'
9908 Teacher'd say he's just not tryin'
9909 Got a good head if he'd apply it
9910 but you know yourself
9911 it's always somewhere else
9912 I'd build me a castle
9913 with dragons and kings
9914 and I'd ride off with them
9915 As I stood by my window
9916 and looked out on those
9918 -- Neil Diamond, "Brooklyn Roads"
9920 And so it was, later,
9921 As the miller told his tale,
9922 That her face, at first just ghostly,
9923 Turned a whiter shade of pale.
9926 And that's the way it is...
9929 And the crowd was stilled. One elderly man, wondering at the sudden silence,
9930 turned to the Child and asked him to repeat what he had said. Wide-eyed,
9931 the Child raised his voice and said once again, "Why, the Emperor has no
9932 clothes! He is naked!"
9933 -- "The Emperor's New Clothes"
9935 And the French medical anatomist Etienne Serres really did argue that
9936 black males are primitive because the distance between their navel and
9937 penis remains small (relative to body height) throughout life, while
9938 white children begin with a small separation but increase it during
9939 growth -- the rising belly button as a mark of progress.
9940 -- S.J. Gould, "Racism and Recapitulation"
9942 And the silence came surging softly backwards
9943 When the plunging hooves were gone...
9944 -- Walter de La Mare, "The Listeners"
9946 And they shall beat their swords into plowshares, for if you hit a man
9947 with a plowshare, he's going to know he's been hit.
9949 And this is a table ma'am. What in essence it consists of is a horizontal
9950 rectilinear plane surface maintained by four vertical columnar supports,
9951 which we call legs. The tables in this laboratory, ma'am, are as advanced
9952 in design as one will find anywhere in the world.
9953 -- Michael Frayn, "The Tin Men"
9955 And this is good old Boston,
9956 The home of the bean and the cod,
9957 Where the Lowells talk only to Cabots,
9958 And the Cabots talk only to God.
9960 And tomorrow will be like today, only more so.
9961 -- Isaiah 56:12, New Standard Version
9963 And we heard him exclaim
9964 As he started to roam:
9965 "I'm a hologram, kids,
9966 please don't try this at home!'"
9969 And what accomplished villains these old engineers were! What diabolical
9970 ways to sabotage they found! Nikolai Karlovich von Meck, of the People's
9971 Commissariat of Railroads ... would hold forth for hours on end about the
9972 economic problems involved in the construction of socialism, and he loved to
9973 give advice. One such pernicious piece of advice was to increase the size
9974 of freight trains and not worry about heavier than average loads. The GPU
9975 exposed van Meck, and he was shot: his objective had been to wear out rails
9976 and roadbeds, freight cars and locomotives, so as to leave the Republic
9977 without railroads in case of foreign military intervention! When, not long
9978 afterward, the new People's Commissar of Railroads ordered that average
9979 loads should be increased, and even doubled and tripled them, the malicious
9980 engineers who protested became known as limiters ... they were rightly
9981 shot for their lack of faith in the possibilities of socialist transport.
9982 -- Aleksandr I. Solzhenitsyn, "The Gulag Archipelago"
9984 And... What in the world ever became of Sweet Jane?
9985 She's lost her sparkle, you see she isn't the same.
9986 Livin' on reds, vitamin C, and cocaine
9987 All a friend can say is "Ain't it a shame?"
9988 -- The Grateful Dead
9990 And yet I should have dearly liked, I own, to have touched her lips; to
9991 have questioned her, that she might have opened them; to have looked upon
9992 the lashes of her downcast eyes, and never raised a blush; to have let
9993 loose waves of hair, an inch of which would be a keepsake beyond price:
9994 in short, I should have liked, I do confess, to have had the lightest
9995 license of a child, and yet been man enough to know its value.
9998 And yet, seasons must be taken with a grain of salt, for they too have a
9999 sense of humor, as does history. Corn stalks comedy, comedy stalks tragedy,
10000 and this too is historic. And yet, still, when corn meets tragedy face to
10001 face, we have politics.
10002 -- Dalglish, Larsen and Sutherland, "Root Crops and
10005 And yet, seasons must be taken with a grain of salt, for they too have
10006 a sense of humor, as does history. Corn stalks comedy, comedy stalks
10007 tragedy, and this too is historic. And yet, still, when corn meets
10008 tragedy face to face, we have politics.
10009 -- Dalglish, Larsen and Sutherland,
10010 "Root Crops and Ground Cover"
10012 And you can't get any Watney's Red Barrel,
10013 because the bars close every time you're thirsty...
10015 "And, you know, I mustn't preach to you, but surely it wouldn't be right for
10016 you to take away people's pleasure of studying your attire, by just going
10017 and making yourself like everybody else. You feel that, don't you?" said
10019 -- William Morris, "Notes from Nowhere"
10021 Andrea's Admonition:
10022 Never bestow profanity upon a driver who has wronged you.
10023 If you think his window is closed and he can't hear you,
10024 it isn't and he can.
10029 Anger is momentary madness.
10032 Anger kills as surely as the other vices.
10034 Animals can be driven crazy by putting too many in too small a pen.
10035 Homo sapiens is the only animal that voluntarily does this to himself.
10038 Ankh if you love Isis.
10040 Announcing the NEW VAX 11/782!!
10042 Be the envy of other major Communist Governments!
10044 Defend yourself against the entire ICBM force of the imperialist USA with
10045 just one of the processors, at the same time you're designing missile IC's,
10046 cracking secret NATO codes and editing propaganda for your own people all
10047 at the same time with the other! (Well, you really can't, but the Americans
10048 think you can, and that's the point, right?)
10051 To grease a king or other great
10052 functionary already sufficiently slippery.
10054 Another day, another dollar.
10055 -- Vincent J. Fuller, defense lawyer for John Hinckley,
10056 upon Hinckley's acquittal for shooting President Ronald
10059 Another good night not to sleep in a eucalyptus tree.
10061 Another megabytes the dust.
10063 Another possible source of guidance for teenagers is television, but
10064 television's message has always been that the need for truth, wisdom and
10065 world peace pales by comparison with the need for a toothpaste that offers
10066 whiter teeth *and* fresher breath.
10067 -- Dave Barry, "Kids Today: They Don't Know Dum Diddly"
10069 Another such victory over the Romans, and we are undone.
10072 Answer a fool according to his folly, lest he be wise in his own conceit.
10075 Anthony's Law of the Workshop:
10076 Any tool when dropped, will roll into the least accessible
10077 corner of the workshop.
10080 On the way to the corner, any dropped tool will first strike
10083 Antique fairy tale: Little Red Riding Hood.
10084 Modern fairy tale: Oswald, acting alone, shot Kennedy.
10086 Anti-trust laws should be approached with exactly that attitude.
10089 Was tired of living alonio
10090 He thought he would woo Antonio Antonio
10091 Miss Lucamy Lu, Rode of on his polo ponio
10092 Miss Lucamy Lucy Molonio. And found the maid
10094 Sitting and knitting alonio.
10096 Said if you will be my ownio
10097 I'll love tou true Oh nonio Antonio
10098 And buy for you You're far too bleak and bonio
10099 An icery creamry conio. And all that I wish
10101 Is that you will quickly begonio.
10103 Uttered a dismal moanio
10104 And went off and hid
10105 Or I'm told that he did
10106 In the Antartical Zonio.
10109 The opposite of the word you're trying to think of.
10111 Anxious after the delay, Gruber doesn't waste any time getting the Koenig
10112 [a modified Porsche] up to speed, and almost immediately we are blowing off
10113 Alfas, Fiats, and Lancias full of excited Italians. These people love fast
10114 cars. But they love sport too and no passing encounter goes unchallenged.
10115 Nothing serious, just two wheels into your lane as you're bearing down on
10116 them at 130-plus -- to see if you're paying attention.
10117 -- Road & Track article about driving two absurdly fast
10118 cars across Europe.
10120 Any circuit design must contain at least one part which is obsolete, two parts
10121 which are unobtainable, and three parts which are still under development.
10123 Any clod can have the facts, but having opinions is an art.
10126 Any coward can sit in his home and criticize a pilot for flying into a
10127 mountain in a fog. But I would rather, by far, die on a mountainside
10128 than in bed. What kind of man would live where there is no daring?
10129 And is life so dear that we should blame men for dying in adventure?
10130 Is there a better way to die?
10131 -- Charles Lindbergh
10133 Any excuse will serve a tyrant.
10136 Any father who thinks he's all important should remind himself that this
10137 country honors fathers only one day a year while pickles get a whole week.
10139 Any fool can paint a picture, but it takes a
10140 wise person to be able to sell it.
10142 Any fool can tell the truth, but it requires a man of sense to know
10146 Any girl can be glamorous; all you have to do is stand still and look
10150 Any given program, when running, is obsolete.
10152 Any given program will expand to fill available memory.
10154 Any great truth can -- and eventually will -- be expressed as a cliche --
10155 a cliche is a sure and certain way to dilute an idea. For instance, my
10156 grandmother used to say, "The black cat is always the last one off the
10157 fence." I have no idea what she meant, but at one time, it was undoubtedly
10161 Any instrument when dropped will roll into the least accessible corner.
10163 Any man can work when every stroke of his hand brings down the fruit
10164 rattling from the tree to the ground; but to labor in season and out
10165 of season, under every discouragement, by the power of truth -- that
10166 requires a heroism which is transcendent.
10167 -- Henry Ward Beecher
10169 Any man who hates dogs and babies can't be all bad.
10170 -- Leo Rosten, on W.C. Fields
10172 Any member introducing a dog into the Society's premises shall be
10173 liable to a fine of one pound. Any animal leading a blind person shall
10174 be deemed to be a cat.
10175 -- Rule 46, Oxford Union Society, London
10177 "Any news from the President on a successor?" he asked hopefully.
10178 "None," Anita replied. "She's having great difficulty finding someone
10179 qualified who is willing to accept the post."
10180 "Then I stay," said Dr. Fresh. "I'm not good for much, but I
10181 can at least make a decision."
10182 "Somewhere," he grumphed, "there must be a naive, opportunistic
10183 young welp with a masochistic streak who would like to run the most
10184 up-and-down bureaucracy in the history of mankind."
10185 -- R.L. Forward, "Flight of the Dragonfly"
10187 Any philosophy that can be put "in a nutshell" belongs there.
10190 Any president should have the right to shoot
10191 at least two people a year without explanation.
10192 -- Herbert Hoover, discussing the press
10194 Any priest or shaman must be presumed guilty until proved innocent.
10197 Any program which runs right is obsolete.
10199 Any programming language is at its best before it is implemented and used.
10201 Any road followed to its end leads precisely nowhere. Climb the mountain
10202 just a little to test it's a mountain. From the top of the mountain, you
10203 cannot see the mountain.
10204 -- Bene Gesserit proverb
10206 Any road followed to its end leads precisely nowhere.
10207 Climb the mountain just a little to test it's a mountain.
10208 From the top of the mountain, you cannot see the mountain.
10209 -- Bene Gesserit proverb, "Dune"
10211 Any small object that is accidentally
10212 dropped will hide under a larger object.
10214 Any sufficiently advanced bug becomes a feature.
10216 Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from a rigged demo.
10218 Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.
10221 Any two philosophers can tell each other all they know in two hours.
10222 -- Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.
10224 Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry.
10226 Anybody has a right to evade taxes if he can get away with it. No citizen
10227 has a moral obligation to assist in maintaining his government.
10230 Anybody that wants the presidency so much that he'll spend two years
10231 organizing and campaigning for it is not to be trusted with the office.
10234 Anybody who doesn't cut his speed at the
10235 sight of a police car is probably parked.
10237 Anybody with money to burn will easily find someone to tend the fire.
10239 Anyone can become angry -- that is easy; but to be angry with the right
10240 person, to the right degree, at the right time, for the right purpose
10241 and in the right way -- that is not easy.
10244 Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is
10245 supposed to be doing.
10247 Anyone can hold the helm when the sea is calm.
10250 "Anyone can say 'no'. It is the first word a child learns and often the
10251 first word he speaks. It is a cheap word because it requires no
10252 explanation, and many men and women have acquired a reputation for
10253 intelligence who know only this word and have used it in place of
10254 thought on every occasion."
10255 -- Chuck Jones (Warner Bros. animation director.)
10257 Anyone stupid enough to be caught by the police is probably guilty.
10259 Anyone who cannot cope with mathematics is not fully human.
10260 At best he is a tolerable subhuman who has learned to wear shoes,
10261 bathe and not make messes in the house.
10264 Anyone who considers protocol unimportant has never dealt with a cat.
10267 Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined.
10270 Anyone who has attended a USENIX conference in a fancy hotel can tell you
10271 that a sentence like "You're one of those computer people, aren't you?"
10272 is roughly equivalent to "Look, another amazingly mobile form of slime
10273 mold!" in the mouth of a hotel cocktail waitress.
10274 -- Elizabeth Zwicky
10276 Anyone who has had a bull by the tail
10277 knows five or six more things than someone who hasn't.
10280 Anyone who imagines that all fruits ripen at the same time
10281 as the strawberries, knows nothing about grapes.
10282 -- Philippus Paracelsus
10284 Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President
10285 should on no account be allowed to do the job.
10286 -- The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
10288 Anyone who knows history, particularly the history of Europe, will, I think,
10289 recognize that the domination of education or of government by any one
10290 particular religious faith is never a happy arrangement for the people.
10291 -- Eleanor Roosevelt
10293 Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
10296 Anything anybody can say about America is true.
10299 Anything cut to length will be too short.
10301 Anything free is worth what you'll pay for it.
10303 Anything is good and useful if it's made of chocolate.
10305 Anything is good if it's made of chocolate.
10307 Anything is possible on paper.
10310 Anything is possible, unless it's not.
10312 Anything labeled "NEW" and/or "IMPROVED" isn't.
10313 The label means the price went up.
10314 The label "ALL NEW", "COMPLETELY NEW", or "GREAT NEW"
10315 means the price went way up.
10317 Anything that is worth doing has been done frequently. Things hitherto
10318 undone should be given, I suspect, a wide berth.
10319 -- Max Beerbohm, "Mainly on the Air"
10321 Anything worth doing is worth overdoing.
10323 Anytime things appear to be going better, you've overlooked something.
10325 Anyway, I keep picturing all these little kids playing some game in this
10326 big field of rye and all. Thousands of little kids, and nobody's around --
10327 nobody big, I mean -- except me. And I'm standing on the edge of some crazy
10328 cliff. What I have to do, I have to catch everybody if they start to go
10329 over the cliff -- I mean if they're running and they don't look where they're
10330 going I have to come out from somewhere and catch them. That's all I'd do
10331 all day. I'd just be the catcher in the rye. I know it; I know it's crazy,
10332 but that's the only thing I'd really like to be. I know it's crazy.
10333 -- J.D. Salinger, "Catcher in the Rye"
10335 Apathy Club meeting this Friday.
10336 If you want to come, you're not invited.
10339 Loss of speech in social scientists when asked
10340 at parties, "But of what use is your research?"
10343 A concise, clever statement.
10345 A concise, clever statement you don't think of until too late.
10346 -- James Alexander Thom
10348 APL hackers do it in the quad.
10350 APL is a mistake, carried through to perfection. It is the language of the
10351 future for the programming techniques of the past: it creates a new generation
10353 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5
10355 APL is a natural extension of assembler language programming;
10356 ...and is best for educational purposes.
10359 APL is a write-only language. I can write programs
10360 in APL, but I can't read any of them.
10363 Appearances often are deceiving.
10367 A portion of a book, for which nobody yet has discovered any use.
10370 The echo of a platitude from the mouth of a fool.
10373 April is the cruelest month...
10374 -- Thomas Stearns Eliot
10377 Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub
10378 faucet on and off with your toes.
10379 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
10381 aquadextrous, adj.:
10382 Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off
10384 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
10386 AQUARIUS (Jan 20 - Feb 18)
10387 You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive.
10388 You lie a great deal. On the other hand, you are inclined to be
10389 careless and impractical, causing you to make the same mistakes over
10390 and over again. People think you are stupid.
10392 AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 to Feb. 18)
10393 A friend will step forward and confide in you about your breath. Rely
10394 on your outgoing personality and winning smile to get you into a lot
10395 of trouble. Be relaxed, things will change. Look for a pink slip on
10396 payday. Stop wetting your bed.
10398 AQUARIUS (Jan.20 - Feb.18)
10399 You are the type of person who never has enough money to do what
10400 you want. Don't expect things to get any better today, either.
10401 As a matter of fact they might get worse. Intensify your
10402 relationship with your bank and any friends you have who might be
10403 able to lend you a few bucks.
10405 Aquavit is also considered useful for medicinal purposes, an essential
10406 ingredient in what I was once told is the Norwegian cure for the common
10407 cold. You get a bottle, a poster bed, and the brightest colored stocking
10408 cap you can find. You put the cap on the post at the foot of the bed,
10409 then get into bed and drink aquavit until you can't see the cap. I've
10410 never tried this, but it sounds as though it should work.
10415 Are we running light with overbyte?
10418 In the year 584, in Lyon, France, 43 Catholic bishops and 20 men
10419 representing other bishops, after a lengthy debate, took a vote.
10420 The results were 32 yes, 31 no. Women were declared human by one
10423 Are you a parent? Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to
10424 say in those awkward situations? Worry no more...
10426 Are you sure you're telling the truth? Think hard.
10427 Does it make you happy to know you're sending me to an early grave?
10428 If all your friends jumped off the cliff, would you jump too?
10429 Do you feel bad? How do you think I feel?
10430 Aren't you ashamed of yourself?
10431 Don't you know any better?
10432 How could you be so stupid?
10433 If that's the worst pain you'll ever feel, you should be thankful.
10434 You can't fool me. I know what you're thinking.
10435 If you can't say anything nice, say nothing at all.
10437 Are you a parent? Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to
10438 say in those awkward situations? Worry no more...
10440 Do as I say, not as I do.
10441 Do me a favour and don't tell me about it. I don't want to know.
10442 What did you do *this* time?
10443 If it didn't taste bad, it wouldn't be good for you.
10444 When I was your age...
10445 I won't love you if you keep doing that.
10446 Think of all the starving children in India.
10447 If there's one thing I hate, it's a liar.
10448 I'm going to kill you.
10450 If you don't like it, you can lump it.
10452 Are you a parent? Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to
10453 say in those awkward situations? Worry no more...
10455 Go away. You bother me.
10456 Why? Because life is unfair.
10457 That's a nice drawing. What is it?
10458 Children should be seen and not heard.
10459 You'll be the death of me.
10460 You'll understand when you're older.
10462 Wipe that smile off your face.
10463 I don't believe you.
10464 How many times have I told you to be careful?
10467 Are you a parent? Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to
10468 say in those awkward situations? Worry no more...
10470 Good children always obey.
10471 Quit acting so childish.
10473 If you keep making faces, someday it'll freeze that way.
10474 Why do you have to know so much?
10475 This hurts me more than it hurts you.
10476 Why? Because I'm bigger than you.
10477 Well, you've ruined everything. Now are you happy?
10479 I'm only doing this because I love you.
10481 Are you a parent? Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to
10482 say in those awkward situations? Worry no more...
10484 When are you going to grow up?
10485 I'm only doing this for your own good.
10486 Why are you crying? Stop crying, or I'll give you something to
10488 What's wrong with you?
10489 Someday you'll thank me for this.
10490 You'd lose your head if it weren't attached.
10491 Don't you have any sense at all?
10492 If you keep sucking your thumb, it'll fall off.
10493 Why? Because I said so.
10494 I hope you have a kid just like yourself.
10496 Are you a parent? Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to
10497 say in those awkward situations? Worry no more...
10499 You wouldn't understand.
10500 You ask too many questions.
10501 In order to be a man, you have to learn to follow orders.
10502 That's for me to know and you to find out.
10503 Don't let those bullies push you around. Go in there and stick
10505 You're acting too big for your britches.
10506 Well, you broke it. Now are you satisfied?
10507 Wait till your father gets home.
10508 Bored? If you're bored, I've got some chores for you.
10509 Shape up or ship out.
10511 Are you making all this up as you go along?
10513 "Are you police officers?"
10514 "No, ma'am. We're musicians."
10515 -- The Blues Brothers
10517 Are you sure the back door is locked?
10519 "Are you sure you're not an encyclopedia salesman?"
10520 "No, Ma'am. Just a burglar, come to ransack the flat."
10522 "Are you sure you're not an encyclopedia salesman?"
10523 No, Ma'am. Just a burglar, come to ransack the flat."
10526 Are your glasses mended with a strip of masking tape right over your nose?
10527 Do you put pennies in the slots in your penny loafers?
10528 Does your bow-tie flash "hey you kid" in red neon at parties?
10529 Do you think pizza before noon is unhealthy?
10530 Do you use the "greasy kid's stuff" to stick down your cowlick?
10531 Do you wear a "nerd-pack" in your shirt pocket to keep the dozen
10532 or so pencils from marking the cloth?
10533 Do you think Mary Jane is somebody's name?
10534 Is illegal fishing is something only a daring criminal would do?
10535 Is Batman your hero? Superman? Green Lantern? The Shadow?
10536 Do you think girls who kiss on the first date are loose?
10538 Rate yourself on the nerd-o-matic scale. (1 point for each YES answer)
10539 0-2 -- You are really hip, a real cool cat, a hoopy frood.
10540 3-5 -- There is hope for you yet.
10541 6-7 -- Uh-oh, trouble in River City.
10542 8-10 -- Your immortal soul is in peril.
10543 11+ -- Does suicide seem attractive?
10545 Argue for your limitations, and sure enough, they're yours.
10546 -- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul
10548 Arguments are extremely vulgar, for everyone
10549 in good society holds exactly the same opinion.
10552 Arguments with furniture are rarely productive.
10554 ARIES (Mar 21 - Apr 19)
10555 You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt. You are
10556 quick tempered, impatient, and scornful of advice. You are not
10559 ARIES (Mar.21 - Apr.19)
10560 You are a wonderfully interesting, honest, hard-working person
10561 and you should make many new friends, but you won't because you've
10562 got a mean streak in you a mile wide.
10565 An obscure art no longer practiced in
10566 the world's developed countries.
10568 Arithmetic is being able to count up to twenty without taking off your shoes.
10572 To provide weapons to a Spanish pickle.
10574 Armenians and Azerbaijanis in Stepanakert, capital of the Nagorno-Karabakh
10575 autonomous region, rioted over much needed spelling reform in the Soviet
10580 Virtue is the failure to achieve vice.
10582 Armstrong's Collection Law:
10583 If the check is truly in the mail,
10584 it is surely made out to someone else.
10587 Anything not fitting into these categories causes cancer in rats.
10589 Arnold's Laws of Documentation:
10590 1.) If it should exist, it doesn't.
10591 2.) If it does exist, it's out of date.
10592 3.) Only documentation for useless programs transcends the
10595 Around the turn of this century, a composer named Camille Saint-Saens wrote
10596 a satirical zoological-fantasy called "Le Carnaval des Animaux." Aside from
10597 one movement of this piece, "The Swan", Saint-Saens didn't allow this work
10598 to be published or even performed until a year had elapsed after his death.
10600 Most of us know the "Swan" movement rather well, with its smooth,
10601 flowing cello melody against a calm background; but I've been having this
10603 What if he had written this piece with lyrics, as a song to be sung?
10604 And, further, what if he had accompanied this song with a musical saw? (This
10605 instrument really does exist, often played by percussionists!) Then the
10606 piece would be better known as:
10607 SAINT-SAENS' SAW SONG "SWAN"!
10609 Arrakis teaches the attitude of the knife - chopping off what's
10610 incomplete and saying: "Now it's complete because it's ended here."
10611 -- Muad'dib, "Dune"
10613 Art is a jealous mistress.
10614 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
10616 Art is a lie which makes us realize the truth.
10619 Art is anything you can get away with.
10620 -- Marshall McLuhan.
10622 Art is Nature speeded up and God slowed down.
10625 "Art" is the ability to separate the significant from the insignificant.
10626 -- Poul Henningsen [1894-1967]
10628 Art is the tree of life. Science is the tree of death.
10630 Arthur's Laws of Love:
10631 1. People to whom you are attracted invariably think you
10632 remind them of someone else.
10633 2. The love letter you finally got the courage to send will
10634 be delayed in the mail long enough for you to make a fool
10635 of yourself in person.
10638 Where a crime of the kidneys has been committed, the accused should
10639 enjoy the right to a speedy diaper change. Public announcements and
10640 guided tours of the aforementioned are not necessary.
10641 Article the Fourth:
10642 The decision to eat strained lamb or not should be with the "feedee"
10643 and not the "feeder". Blowing the strained lamb into the feeder's
10644 face should be accepted as an opinion, not as a declaration of war.
10646 Babies should enjoy the freedom to vocalize, whether it be in church,
10647 a public meeting place, during a movie, or after hours when the
10648 lights are out. They have not yet learned that joy and laughter have
10649 to last a lifetime and must be conserved.
10650 -- Erma Bombeck, "A Baby's Bill of Rights"
10652 Artificial intelligence has the same relation to intelligence as
10653 artificial flowers have to flowers.
10656 Artistic ventures highlighted. Rob a museum.
10658 As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
10660 As a professional humorist, I often get letters from readers who are
10661 interested in the basic nature of humor. "What kind of a sick perverted
10662 disgusting person are you," these letters typically ask, "that you make
10663 jokes about setting fire to a goat?"
10666 As an adolescent I aspired to lasting fame, I craved factual certainty, and I
10667 thirsted for a meaningful vision of human life -- so I became a scientist.
10668 This is like becoming an archbishop so you can meet girls.
10671 As an adolescent I aspired to lasting fame, I craved factual certainty, and
10672 I thirsted for a meaningful vision of human life -- so I became a scientist.
10673 This is like becoming an archbishop so you can meet girls.
10676 As an adolescent I aspired to lasting fame, I craved factual certainty,
10677 and I thirsted for a meaningful vision of human life -- so I became a
10678 scientist. This is like becoming an archbishop so you can meet girls.
10681 As an Englishman, an Aussie and a Scotsman are sitting in a pub, quaffing
10682 a few, three flies buzz down from the ceiling and lazily circle each drinker.
10683 Suddenly "buzzzzzzzzplooop", each fly does a kamakazi dive into a different
10685 The Englishman take a disgusted look at his pint, dips the fly out
10686 with a spoon, flicks the fly over his shoulder, and drains the glass.
10687 The Aussie notices the fly as he puts the glass to his lips. With
10688 a quick puff he blows the bug out in a cloud of foam, and tosses the beer
10690 Then, as they both look on, awestruck, the Scotsman gently grasps the
10691 fly by its wings, lifts it out of his brew and shakes it off. Then, in a
10692 firm voice he speaks to the fly: "There y'are now laddie, safe and sound.
10693 NOW SPIT IT OOOOT!"
10695 As crazy as hauling timber into the woods.
10696 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
10698 As failures go, attempting to recall the past is like trying to grasp
10699 the meaning of existence. Both make one feel like a baby clutching at
10700 a basketball: one's palms keep sliding off.
10703 As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not certain;
10704 and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality.
10707 As far as we know, our computer has never had an undetected error.
10710 As flies to wanton boys are we to the gods; they kill us for their sport.
10711 -- Shakespeare, "King Lear"
10713 As for the women, though we scorn and flout 'em,
10714 We may live with, but cannot live without 'em.
10715 -- Frederic Reynolds
10717 As Gen. de Gaulle occassionally acknowledges America to be the daughter
10718 of Europe, so I am pleased to come to Yale, the daughter of Harvard.
10721 As goatherd learns his trade by goat, so writer learns his trade by wrote.
10723 As he had feared, his orders had been forgotten and everyone had brought
10726 As I argued in "Beloved Son", a book about my son Brian and the subject of
10727 religious communes and cults, one result of proper early instruction in the
10728 methods of rational thought will be to make sudden mindless conversions --
10729 to anything -- less likely. Brian now realizes this and has, after eleven
10730 years, left the sect he was associated with. The problem is that once the
10731 untrained mind has made a formal commitment to a religious philosophy --
10732 and it does not matter whether that philosophy is generally reasonable and
10733 high-minded or utterly bizarre and irrational -- the powers of reason are
10734 surprisingly ineffective in changing the believer's mind.
10737 As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very
10738 pleasurable - until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all, but A HUMAN HEAD!!
10741 As I thought, no better from this side.
10744 As I was going up Punch Card Hill,
10745 Feeling worse and worser,
10746 There I met a C.R.T.
10747 And it drop't me a cursor.
10750 Phosphors light on you!
10751 If I had fifty hours a day
10752 I'd spend them all at you.
10753 -- Uncle Colonel's Cursory Rhymes
10755 As I was passing Project MAC,
10756 I met a Quux with seven hacks.
10757 Every hack had seven bugs;
10758 Every bug had seven manifestations;
10759 Every manifestation had seven symptoms.
10760 Symptoms, manifestations, bugs, and hacks,
10761 How many losses at Project MAC?
10763 As I was walking down the street one dark and dreary day,
10764 I came upon a billboard and much to my dismay,
10765 The words were torn and tattered,
10766 From the storm the night before,
10767 The wind and rain had done its work and this is how it goes,
10769 Smoke Coca-Cola cigarettes, chew Wrigleys Spearmint beer,
10770 Ken-L-Ration dog food makes your complexion clear,
10771 Simonize your baby in a Hershey candy bar,
10772 And Texaco's a beauty cream that's used by every star.
10774 Take your next vacation in a brand new Frigidaire,
10775 Learn to play the piano in your winter underwear,
10776 Doctors say that babies should smoke until they're three,
10777 And people over sixty-five should bathe in Lipton tea.
10779 As in certain cults it is possible to
10780 kill a process if you know its true name.
10781 -- Ken Thompson and Dennis M. Ritchie
10783 As in Protestant Europe, by contrast, where sects divided endlessly into
10784 smaller competing sects and no church dominated any other, all is different
10785 in the fragmented world of IBM. That realm is now a chaos of conflicting
10786 norms and standards that not even IBM can hope to control. You can buy a
10787 computer that works like an IBM machine but contains nothing made or sold by
10788 IBM itself. Renegades from IBM constantly set up rival firms and establish
10789 standards of their own. When IBM recently abandoned some of its original
10790 standards and decreed new ones, many of its rivals declared a puritan
10791 allegiance to IBM's original faith, and denounced the company as a divisive
10792 innovator. Still, the IBM world is united by its distrust of icons and
10793 imagery. IBM's screens are designed for language, not pictures. Graven
10794 images may be tolerated by the luxurious cults, but the true IBM faith relies
10795 on the austerity of the word.
10796 -- Edward Mendelson, "The New Republic", February 22, 1988
10798 As long as I am mayor of this city [Jersey City, New Jersey] the great
10799 industries are secure. We hear about constitutional rights, free speech
10800 and the free press. Every time I hear these words I say to myself, "That
10801 man is a Red, that man is a Communist". You never hear a real American
10803 -- Frank Hague, 1896-1956
10805 As long as the answer is right, who cares if the question is wrong?
10807 As long as there are ill-defined goals, bizarre bugs, and unrealistic
10808 schedules, there will be Real Programmers willing to jump in and Solve
10809 The Problem, saving the documentation for later.
10811 As long as war is regarded as wicked, it will always have its fascination.
10812 When it is looked upon as vulgar, it will cease to be popular.
10813 -- Oscar Wilde, "Intentions"
10815 As many of you know, I am taking a class here at UNC on Personality.
10816 One of the tests to determine personality in our book was so incredibly
10817 useful and interesting, I just had to share it.
10819 Answer each of the following items "true" or "false"
10821 1. I salivate at the sight of mittens.
10822 2. If I go into the street, I'm apt to be bitten by a horse.
10823 3. Some people never look at me.
10824 4. Spinach makes me feel alone.
10825 5. My sex life is A-okay.
10826 6. When I look down from a high spot, I want to spit.
10827 7. I like to kill mosquitoes.
10828 8. Cousins are not to be trusted.
10829 9. It makes me embarrassed to fall down.
10830 10. I get nauseous from too much roller skating.
10831 11. I think most people would cry to gain a point.
10832 12. I cannot read or write.
10833 13. I am bored by thoughts of death.
10834 14. I become homicidal when people try to reason with me.
10835 15. I would enjoy the work of a chicken flicker.
10836 16. I am never startled by a fish.
10837 17. My mother's uncle was a good man.
10838 18. I don't like it when somebody is rotten.
10839 19. People who break the law are wise guys.
10840 20. I have never gone to pieces over the weekend.
10842 As many of you know, I am taking a class here at UNC on Personality.
10843 One of the tests to determine personality in our book was so incredibly
10844 useful and interesting, I just had to share it.
10846 Answer each of the following items "true" or "false"
10848 1. I think beavers work too hard.
10849 2. I use shoe polish to excess.
10851 4. I like mannish children.
10852 5. I have always been disturbed by the sight of Lincoln's ears.
10853 6. I always let people get ahead of me at swimming pools.
10854 7. Most of the time I go to sleep without saying goodbye.
10855 8. I am not afraid of picking up door knobs.
10856 9. I believe I smell as good as most people.
10857 10. Frantic screams make me nervous.
10858 11. It's hard for me to say the right thing when I find myself in a room
10860 12. I would never tell my nickname in a crisis.
10861 13. A wide necktie is a sign of disease.
10862 14. As a child I was deprived of licorice.
10863 15. I would never shake hands with a gardener.
10864 16. My eyes are always cold.
10865 17. Cousins are not to be trusted.
10866 18. When I look down from a high spot, I want to spit.
10867 19. I am never startled by a fish.
10868 20. I have never gone to pieces over the weekend.
10870 As me an' me marrer was readin' a tyape,
10871 The tyape gave a shriek mark an' tried tae escyape;
10872 It skipped ower the gyate tae the end of the field,
10873 An' jigged oot the room wi' a spool an' a reel!
10874 Follow the leader, Johnny me laddie,
10875 Follow it through, me canny lad O;
10876 Follow the transport, Johnny me laddie,
10877 Away, lad, lie away, canny lad O!
10878 -- S. Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
10880 As of next Thursday, UNIX will be flushed in favor of TOPS-10.
10881 Please update your programs.
10883 As of next Tuesday, C will be flushed in favor of COBOL.
10884 Please update your programs.
10886 As of next week, passwords will be entered in Morse code.
10888 As part of an ongoing effort to keep you, the Fortune reader, abreast of
10889 the valuable information the daily crosses the USENET, Fortune presents:
10891 News articles that answer *your* questions, #1:
10893 Newsgroups: comp.sources.d
10894 Subject: how do I run C code received from sources
10895 Keywords: C sources
10898 I do not know how to run the C programs that are posted in the
10899 sources newsgroup. I save the files, edit them to remove the
10900 headers, and change the mode so that they are executable, but I
10901 cannot get them to run. (I have never written a C program before.)
10903 Must they be compiled? With what compiler? How do I do this? If
10904 I compile them, is an object code file generated or must I generate
10905 it explicitly with the > character? Is there something else that
10908 As part of the conversion, computer specialists rewrote 1,500 programs;
10909 a process that traditionally requires some debugging.
10910 -- USA Today, referring to the Internal Revenue Service
10911 conversion to a new computer system.
10913 As some day it may happen that a victim must be found
10914 I've got a little list -- I've got a little list
10915 Of society offenders who might well be underground
10916 And who never would be missed -- who never would be missed.
10917 -- Koko, "The Mikado"
10919 As soon as we started programming, we found to our surprise that it wasn't
10920 as easy to get programs right as we had thought. Debugging had to be
10921 discovered. I can remember the exact instant when I realized that a large
10922 part of my life from then on was going to be spent in finding mistakes in
10924 -- Maurice Wilkes, designer of EDSAC, on programming, 1949
10926 As the poet said, "Only God can make a tree" -- probably
10927 because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
10930 As the system comes up, the component builders will from time to time appear,
10931 bearing hot new versions of their pieces -- faster, smaller, more complete,
10932 or putatively less buggy. The replacement of a working component by a new
10933 version requires the same systematic testing procedure that adding a new
10934 component does, although it should require less time, for more complete and
10935 efficient test cases will usually be available.
10936 -- Frederick Brooks Jr., "The Mythical Man Month"
10938 As to Jesus of Nazareth... I think the system of Morals and his Religion,
10939 as he left them to us, the best the World ever saw or is likely to see;
10940 but I apprehend it has received various corrupting Changes, and I have,
10941 with most of the present Dissenters in England, some doubts as to his
10943 -- Benjamin Franklin
10945 As well look for a needle in a bottle of hay.
10946 -- Miguel de Cervantes
10948 As Will Rogers would have said,
10949 "There is no such things as a free variable."
10951 As with most fine things, chocolate has its season. There is a simple memory
10952 aid that you can use to determine whether it is the correct time to order
10953 chocolate dishes: Any month whose name contains the letter A, E, or U is the
10954 proper time for chocolate.
10955 -- Sandra Boynton, "Chocolate: The Consuming Passion"
10957 As you grow older, you will still do foolish things,
10958 but you will do them with much more enthusiasm.
10961 As you will see, I told them, in no uncertain terms, to see Figure one.
10962 -- Dave "First Strike" Pare
10964 As Zeus said to Narcissus, "Watch yourself."
10967 The control code for all beginning programmers and those who would
10968 become computer literate. Etymologically, the term has come down as
10969 a contraction of the often-repeated phrase "ascii and you shall
10973 ASCII a stupid question, you get an EBCDIC answer.
10975 ASHes to ASHes, DOS to DOS.
10977 Ashes to ashes, dust to dust,
10978 If God won't have you, the devil must.
10980 Ask five economists and you'll get five different explanations (six if
10981 one went to Harvard).
10982 -- Edgar R. Fiedler
10984 Ask not for whom the Bell tolls, and you
10985 will pay only the station-to-station rate.
10988 Ask not for whom the telephone bell tolls...
10989 if thou art in the bathtub, it tolls for thee.
10991 Ask not what's inside your head, but what your head's inside of.
10994 Ask yourself whether you are happy and you cease to be so.
10995 -- John Stuart Mill
10997 Asked how she felt being the first woman to make a major-league team, she
10998 said, "Like a pig in mud," or words to that effect, and then turned and
10999 released a squirt of tobacco juice from the wad of rum soaked plug in her
11000 right cheek. She chewed a rare brand of plug called Stuff It, which she
11001 learned to chew when she was playing Nicaraguan summer ball. She told the
11002 writers, "They were so mean to me down there you couldn't write it in your
11003 newspaper. I took a gun everywhere I went, even to bed. *Especially* to
11004 bed. Guys were after me like you can't believe. That's when I started
11005 chewing tobacco -- because no matter how bad anybody treats you, it's not
11006 as bad as this. This is the worst chew in the world. After this,
11007 everything else is peaches and cream." The writers elected Gentleman Jim,
11008 the Sparrow's P.R. guy, to bite off a chunk and tell them how it tasted,
11009 and as he sat and chewed it tears ran down his old sunburnt cheeks and he
11010 couldn't talk for a while. Then he whispered, "You've been chewing this for
11011 two years? God, I had no idea it was so hard to be a woman."
11012 -- Garrison Keillor
11014 Asking a working writer what he thinks about critics is like asking a
11015 lamp-post how it feels about dogs.
11016 -- Christopher Hampton
11018 Assembly language experience is [important] for the maturity
11019 and understanding of how computers work that it provides.
11022 Associate with well-mannered persons and your manners will improve. Run
11023 with decent folk and your own decent instincts will be strengthened. Keep
11024 the company of bums and you will become a bum. Hang around with rich people
11025 and you will end by picking up the check and dying broke.
11028 Astrology... just a bunch of Taurus.
11030 Asynchronous inputs are at the root of our race problems.
11031 -- D. Winker and F. Prosser
11033 At about 2500 A.D., humankind discovers a computer problem that *must* be
11034 solved. The only difficulty is that the problem is NP complete and will
11035 take thousands of years even with the latest optical biologic technology
11036 available. The best computer scientists sit down to think up some solution.
11037 In great dismay, one of the C.S. people tells her husband about it. There
11038 is only one solution, he says. Remember physics 103, Modern Physics, general
11039 relativity and all. She replies, "What does that have to do with solving
11040 a computer problem?"
11041 "Remember the twin paradox?"
11042 After a few minutes, she says, "I could put the computer on a very
11043 fast machine and the computer would have just a few minutes to calculate but
11044 that is the exact opposite of what we want... Of course! Leave the
11045 computer here, and accelerate the earth!"
11046 The problem was so important that they did exactly that. When
11047 the earth came back, they were presented with the answer:
11049 IEH032 Error in JOB Control Card.
11051 At ebb tide I wrote a line upon the sand, and gave it all my heart and all
11052 my soul. At flood tide I returned to read what I had inscribed and found my
11053 ignorance upon the shore.
11056 At first sight, the idea of any rules or principles being superimposed on
11057 the creative mind seems more likely to hinder than to help, but this is
11058 quite untrue in practice. Disciplined thinking focuses inspiration rather
11060 -- G.L. Glegg, "The Design of Design"
11062 At Group L, Stoffel oversees six first-rate programmers,
11063 a managerial challenge roughly comparable to herding cats.
11064 -- "The Washington Post Magazine", June 9, 1985
11066 At last I've found the girl of my dreams. Last night she said to me,
11067 "Once more, Strange, and this time *I'll* be Donnie and *you* be Marie.
11070 At least I thought I was dancing, 'til somebody stepped on my hand.
11073 At no time is freedom of speech more precious than when a man hits his
11074 thumb with a hammer.
11075 -- Marshall Lumsden
11077 At once it struck me what quality went to form a man of achievement,
11078 especially in literature, and which Shakespeare possessed so enormously
11079 -- I mean negative capability, that is, when a man is capable of being
11080 in uncertainties, mysteries, doubts, without any irritable reaching
11081 after fact and reason.
11084 At social gatherings, I would amuse everyone by standing uponst the
11085 coffee table and striking meself repeatedly upon the head with a brick.
11088 At the end of your life there'll be a good rest,
11089 and no further activities are scheduled.
11091 At the foot of the mountain, thunder:
11092 The image of Providing Nourishment.
11093 Thus the superior man is careful of his words
11094 And temperate in eating and drinking.
11096 At the heart of science is an essential tension between two seemingly
11097 contradictory attitudes -- an openness to new ideas, no matter how bizarre
11098 or counterintuitive they may be, and the most ruthless skeptical scrutiny
11099 of all ideas, old and new. This is how deep truths are winnowed from deep
11100 nonsense. Of course, scientists make mistakes in trying to understand the
11101 world, but there is a built-in error-correcting mechanism: The collective
11102 enterprise of creative thinking and skeptical thinking together keeps the
11104 -- Carl Sagan, "The Fine Art of Baloney Detection"
11106 At the hospital, a doctor is training an intern on how to announce bad news
11107 to the patients. The doctor tells the intern "This man in 305 is going to
11108 die in six months. Go in and tell him." The intern boldly walks into the
11109 room, over to the man's bedisde and tells him "Seems like you're gonna die!"
11110 The man has a heart attack and is rushed into surgery on the spot. The doctor
11111 grabs the intern and screams at him, "What!?!? are you some kind of moron?
11112 You've got to take it easy, work your way up to the subject. Now this man in
11113 213 has about a week to live. Go in and tell him, but, gently, you hear me,
11115 The intern goes softly into the room, humming to himself, cheerily
11116 opens the drapes to let the sun in, walks over to the man's bedside, fluffs
11117 his pillow and wishes him a "Good morning!" "Wonderful day, no? Say...
11118 guess who's going to die soon!"
11120 At the source of every error which is blamed on the computer you will find
11121 at least two human errors, including the error of blaming it on the computer.
11123 At these prices, I lose money -- but I make it up in volume.
11124 -- Peter G. Alaquon
11126 At times discretion should be thrown aside,
11127 and with the foolish we should play the fool.
11130 At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the
11131 number of pens that person is carrying.
11133 Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
11136 An entire city surrounded by an airport.
11138 Atlee is a very modest man. And with reason.
11139 -- Winston Churchill
11141 Attorney General Edwin Meese III explained why the Supreme Court's Miranda
11142 decision (holding that subjects have a right to remain silent and have a
11143 lawyer present during questioning) is unnecessary: "You don't have many
11144 suspects who are innocent of a crime. That's contradictory. If a person
11145 is innocent of a crime, then he is not a suspect."
11146 -- U.S. News and World Report, 10/14/85
11149 A gyp off the old block.
11151 Audacity, and again, audacity, and always audacity.
11155 Someone who listens to the equipment instead of the music.
11157 Auribus teneo lupum.
11158 [I hold a wolf by the ears.]
11161 Indubitably true, in somebody's opinion.
11163 Authors are easy to get on with -- if you're fond of children.
11164 -- Michael Joseph, "Observer"
11167 A four-wheeled vehicle that runs up hills and down pedestrians.
11171 Avert misunderstanding by calm, poise, and balance.
11173 Avoid cliches like the plague.
11174 They're a dime a dozen.
11176 Avoid gunfire in the bathroom tonight.
11178 Avoid Quiet and Placid persons unless you are in Need of Sleep.
11180 Avoid reality at all costs.
11182 Avoid revolution or expect to get shot. Mother and I will grieve, but
11183 we will gladly buy a dinner for the National Guardsman who shot you.
11184 -- Dr. Paul Williamson, father of a Kent State student
11186 Avoid strange women and temporary variables.
11188 Awash with unfocused desire, Everett twisted the lobe of his one remaining
11189 ear and felt the presence of somebody else behind him, which caused terror
11190 to push through his nervous system like a flash flood roaring down the
11191 mid-fork of the Feather River before the completion of the Oroville Dam
11193 -- Grand Panjandrum's Special Award, 1984 Bulwer-Lytton
11194 bad fiction contest.
11196 [Babe] Ruth made a big mistake when he gave up pitching.
11197 -- Tris Speaker, 1921
11200 A convenient deity invented by the ancients
11201 as an excuse for getting drunk.
11204 A guy who is footloose and fiancee-free.
11207 A man who chases women and never Mrs. one.
11209 Back in '80 or '81 the workers were rioting in Gdansk and there were fears
11210 that the Soviets would invade Poland to put down the demonstrations. Foreign
11211 correspondents were curious as to just what the Poles would do if they were
11212 invaded. They asked, "What will you do if the East Germans invade from the
11213 West and the Soviets invade from the East? Who will you fight first?"
11214 To which the Poles replied, "Why, we will fight the Germans first.
11215 Business before pleasure."
11217 Back in the early 60's, touch tone phones only had 10 buttons. Some
11218 military versions had 16, while the 12 button jobs were used only by people
11219 who had "diva" (digital inquiry, voice answerback) systems -- mainly banks.
11220 Since in those days, only Western Electric made "data sets" (modems) the
11221 problems of terminology were all Bell System. We used to struggle with
11222 written descriptions of dial pads that were unfamiliar to most people
11223 (most phones were rotary then.) Partly in jest, some AT&T engineering
11224 types (there was no marketing in the good old days, which is why they were
11225 the good old days) made up the term "octalthorpe" (note spelling) to denote
11226 the "pound sign." Presumably because it has 8 points sticking out. It
11227 never really caught on.
11229 Back when I was a boy, it was 40 miles to everywhere,
11230 uphill both ways and it was always snowing.
11232 BACKWARD CONDITIONING:
11233 Putting saliva in a dog's mouth in an attempt to make a bell ring.
11235 Bacons not the only thing that's cured by hanging from a string.
11237 BAD CRAZINESS, MAN!!!
11239 Bad men live that they may eat and drink,
11240 whereas good men eat and drink that they may live.
11243 Bagdikian's Observation:
11244 Trying to be a first-rate reporter on the average American newspaper
11245 is like trying to play Bach's "St. Matthew Passion" on a ukelele.
11247 Bahdges? We don't need no stinkin' bahdges!
11248 -- "The Treasure of Sierra Madre"
11250 Baker's First Law of Federal Geometry:
11251 A block grant is a solid mass of money
11252 surrounded on all sides by governors.
11257 Fear of opening one's eyes.
11261 Fear of being buried alive.
11270 A wharf-rat stealing Diogenes' lamp.
11272 Ban the bomb. Save the world for conventional warfare.
11274 Banacek's Eighteenth Polish Proverb:
11275 The hippo has no sting, but the wise
11276 man would rather be sat upon by the bee.
11278 Bank error in your favor. Collect $200.
11281 An alcoholic is a person who drinks more than his own physician.
11283 Barbara's Rules of Bitter Experience:
11284 (1) When you empty a drawer for his clothes
11285 and a shelf for his toiletries, the relationship ends.
11286 (2) When you finally buy pretty stationary
11287 to continue the correspondence, he stops writing.
11290 Proofreading is more effective after publication.
11293 An ingenious instrument which indicates
11294 what kind of weather we are having.
11296 Base 8 is just like base 10, if you are missing two fingers.
11299 Baseball is a skilled game. It's America's game -- it, and high taxes.
11302 Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think
11303 Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today?
11305 (1) Writing his memoirs of the Civil War.
11306 (2) Advising the President.
11307 (3) Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin.
11311 A programming language. Related to certain social diseases
11312 in that those who have it will not admit it in polite company.
11314 Basic Definitions of Science:
11315 If it's green or wiggles, it's biology.
11316 If it stinks, it's chemistry.
11317 If it doesn't work, it's physics.
11319 Basic is a high level languish.
11321 BASIC is to computer programming as QWERTY is to typing.
11324 Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd
11325 come in and sink my boats.
11328 Batteries not included.
11331 A method of untying with the teeth a political knot that
11332 will not yield to the tongue.
11335 Be a better psychiatrist and the world
11336 will beat a psychopath to your door.
11338 BE A LOOF! (There has been a recent population explosion of lerts.)
11340 BE ALERT!!!! (The world needs more lerts...)
11342 Be both a speaker of words and a doer of deeds.
11345 Be careful! Is it classified?
11347 Be careful! UGLY strikes 9 out of 10!
11349 Be careful how you get yourself involved with persons or
11350 situations that can't bear inspection.
11352 Be careful of reading health books, you might die of a misprint.
11355 Be careful what you set your heart on -- for it will surely be yours.
11356 -- James Baldwin, "Nobody Knows My Name"
11358 Be careful when a loop exits to the same place from side and bottom.
11360 Be careful when you bite into your hamburger.
11363 Be cautious in your daily affairs.
11365 Be cheerful while you are alive.
11366 -- Phathotep, 24th Century B.C.
11368 Be circumspect in your liaisons with women. It is better
11369 to be seen at the opera with a man than at mass with a woman.
11372 Be different: conform.
11374 Be frank and explicit with your lawyer ... it is his business to confuse
11375 the issue afterwards.
11377 Be free and open and breezy! Enjoy!
11378 Things won't get any better so get used to it.
11380 Be incomprehensible. If they can't understand, they can't disagree.
11383 Insult a rich relative today.
11385 Be it our wealth, our jobs, or even our homes;
11386 nothing is safe while the legislature is in session.
11388 Be nice to people on the way up, because you'll meet them on your way down.
11391 Be not anxious about what you have, but about what you are.
11392 -- Pope St. Gregory I
11394 Be open to other people -- they may enrich your dream.
11396 Be prepared to accept sacrifices.
11397 Vestal virgins aren't all that bad.
11399 Be regular and orderly in your life, so that you may be violent
11400 and original in your work.
11403 Be security conscious -- National Defense is at stake.
11405 Be self-reliant and your success is assured.
11408 Speak to the person next to you in the unemployment line tomorrow.
11410 Be sure to evaluate the bird-hand/bush ratio.
11412 Be valiant, but not too venturous.
11413 Let thy attire be comely, but not costly.
11416 Beam me up, Scotty!
11418 Beam me up, Scotty! It ate my phaser!
11420 Beam me up, Scotty, there's no intelligent life down here!
11422 Beat your son every day; you may not know why, but he will.
11425 What's in your eye when you have a bee in your hand.
11427 Beauty and harmony are as necessary to you as the very breath of life.
11429 Beauty, brains, availability, personality; pick any two.
11431 Beauty is one of the rare things which does not lead to doubt of God.
11434 Beauty is truth, truth beauty, that is all
11435 Ye know on earth, and all ye need to know.
11438 Beauty may be skin deep, but ugly goes clear to the bone.
11442 Because I do not hope,
11443 Because I do not hope to survive
11444 Injustice from the Palace, death from the air,
11445 Because I do, only do,
11449 Because the wine remembers.
11451 Because we don't think about future generations,
11452 they will never forget us.
11456 What did you bring back for me?
11458 Been Transferred Lately?
11460 Beer -- it's not just for breakfast anymore.
11462 Beer & Pretzels -- Breakfast of Champions.
11464 Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need more.
11465 -- Addison H. Hallock
11467 Before destruction a man's heart is
11468 haughty, but humility goes before honour.
11471 ...before I could come to any conclusion it occurred to me that my speech
11472 or my silence, indeed any action of mine, would be a mere futility. What
11473 did it matter what anyone knew or ignored? What did it matter who was
11474 manager? One gets sometimes such a flash of insight. The essentials of
11475 this affair lay deep under the surface, beyond my reach, and beyond my
11479 Before I knew the best part of my life had come, it had gone.
11481 Before marriage the three little words are "I love you," after marriage
11482 they are "Let's eat out."
11484 Before really embarking on a sizeable project, in particular before
11485 starting the large investment of coding, try to kill the project
11487 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, EWD1308
11489 Before Xerox, five carbons were the maximum extension of anybody's ego.
11491 Before you ask more questions, think about whether
11492 you really want to know the answers.
11493 -- Gene Wolfe, "The Claw of the Conciliator"
11495 Beggar to well-dressed businessman:
11496 "Could you spare $20.95 for a fifth of Chivas?"
11498 Beggars should be no choosers.
11501 Behind every argument is someone's ignorance.
11503 Behind every great computer sits a skinny little geek.
11505 Behind every successful man you'll find a woman with nothing to wear.
11507 Behold the fool saith, "Put not all thine eggs in the one basket" -- which
11508 is but a manner of saying, "Scatter your money and your attention"; but
11509 the wise man saith, "Put all your eggs in the one basket and -- watch that
11513 Behold the unborn foetus and
11514 Weep salt tears crocodilian;
11515 All life is sacred (save, of course,
11516 An enemy civilian).
11518 Behold the warranty -- the bold print
11519 giveth and the fine print taketh away.
11521 Being a mime means never having to say you're sorry.
11523 Being a miner, as soon as you're too old and tired and sick and
11524 stupid to do your job properly, you have to go, where the very
11525 opposite applies with the judges.
11526 -- Beyond the Fringe
11528 Being a woman is a terribly difficult trade,
11529 since it consists principally of dealings with men.
11532 Being asked solicitously about the state of her health was becoming bothersome
11533 to the pregnant woman at the cocktail party. And yet another guest went over
11534 and inquired, "Well, how are you feeling these days?"
11535 "Not too well," said the expectant mother. "You know, I've missed
11536 seven or eight periods now and it's beginning to worry me."
11538 Being conservative has never been regarded as old-fashioned. But
11539 if you fight for a sensible step in the right direction which others
11540 has deserted you will be branded "reactionary".
11541 -- Poul Henningsen [1894-1967]
11543 Being frustrated is disagreeable, but the real
11544 disasters in life begin when you get what you want.
11546 Being in politics is like being a football coach. You have to be smart
11547 enough to understand the game and dumb enough to think it's important.
11550 Being in the army is like being in the Boy Scouts, except that the
11551 Boy Scouts have adult supervision.
11554 Being owned by someone used to be called
11555 slavery -- now it's called commitment.
11557 Being popular is important. Otherwise people might not like you.
11559 Being stoned on marijuana isn't very
11560 different from being stoned on gin.
11563 Being the #2 man in the Justice Department under Ed Meese is akin to
11564 standing next to a lamp post infested with pigeons.
11565 -- unnamed Justice Department official
11567 Being ugly isn't illegal. Yet.
11570 Something you do not believe.
11572 Believe everything you hear about the world; nothing is too
11576 Bell Labs Unix - Reach out and grep someone.
11578 Ben, why didn't you tell me?
11581 Bennett's Laws of Horticulture:
11582 (1) Houses are for people to live in.
11583 (2) Gardens are for plants to live in.
11584 (3) There is no such thing as a houseplant.
11587 ASCII is our god, and Unix is his profit.
11589 Bernard Shaw is an excellent man; he has not an enemy in the world, and
11590 none of his friends like him either.
11593 Bernard was a young eighty-three, not a gomer, and able to talk. He'd been
11594 transferred from MBH (Man's Best Hospital), the House's Rival. Founded in
11595 Colonial times by the WASPs, the insemination fo MBH by non-WASPs had taken
11596 place only mid-twentieth century with the token multidextrous Oriental
11597 surgeon, and finally, with the token red-hot internal-medicine Jew. Yet,
11598 MBH was still Brooks Brothers, while the House was still the Garment District.
11599 For Jews at MBH the password was "Dress British, Think Yiddish." It was
11600 rare to get a TURF from the MBH to the House, and the Fat Man was curious:
11601 "Bernard, you went to the MBH, they did a great work-up, and you told them,
11602 after they got done, you wanted to be transferred here. Why?"
11603 "I rilly don't know," said Bernard.
11604 "Was it the doctors there? The doctors you didn't like?"
11605 "The doctus? Nah, the doctus I can't complain."
11606 "The test or the room?"
11607 "The tests or the room? Vell, nah, about them I can't complain."
11608 "The nurses? The food?" asked Fats, but Bernard shook his head no.
11609 Fats laughed and said, "Listen , Bernie, you went to the MBH, they did this
11610 great workup, and when I asked you shy you came to the House of God, all you
11611 tell me is, 'Nah, I can't complain.' So why did you come here? Why, Bernie,
11613 "Vhy I come heah? Vell, said Bernie, "Heah I can complain."
11616 Bershere's Formula for Failure:
11617 There are only two kinds of people who fail: those who
11618 listen to nobody... and those who listen to everybody.
11620 Besides the device, the box should contain:
11621 * Eight little rectangular snippets of paper that say "WARNING"
11622 * A plastic packet containing four 5/17 inch pilfer grommets and two
11623 club-ended 6/93 inch boxcar prawns.
11625 YOU WILL NEED TO SUPPLY: a matrix wrench and 60,000 feet of tram cable.
11627 IF ANYTHING IS DAMAGED OR MISSING: You IMMEDIATELY should turn to your spouse
11628 and say: "Margaret, you know why this country can't make a car that can get
11629 all the way through the drive-through at Burger King without a major
11630 transmission overhaul? Because nobody cares, that's why."
11632 WARNING: This is assuming your spouse's name is Margaret.
11635 Best Beer: A panel of tasters assembled by the Consumer's Union in 1969
11636 judged Coors and Miller's High Life to be among the very best. Those who
11637 doubt that beer is a serious subject might ponder its effect on American
11638 history. For example, New England's first colonists decided to drop anchor
11639 at Plymouth Rock instead of continuing on to Virginia because, as one of
11640 them put it, "We could not now take time for further consideration, our
11641 victuals being spent and especially our beer."
11642 -- Felton & Fowler's Best, Worst & Most Unusual
11644 Best Mistakes In Films
11645 In his "Filgoer's Companion", Mr. Leslie Halliwell helpfully lists
11646 four of the cinema's greatest moments which you should get to see if at all
11648 In "Carmen Jones", the camera tracks with Dorothy Dandridge down a
11649 street; and the entire film crew is reflected in the shop window.
11650 In "The Wrong Box", the roofs of Victorian London are emblazoned
11651 with television aerials.
11652 In "Decameron Nights", Louis Jourdain stands on the deck of his
11653 fourteenth century pirate ship; and a white lorry trundles down the hill
11655 In "Viking Queen", set in the times of Boadicea, a wrist watch is
11656 clearly visible on one of the leading characters.
11657 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
11659 Best of all is never to have been born.
11660 Second best is to die soon.
11663 To voluntarily entrust one's data, one's livelihood and one's
11664 sanity to hardware or software intended to destroy all three.
11665 In earlier days, virgins were often selected to beta test volcanos.
11667 Better by far you should forget and
11668 smile than that you should remember and be sad.
11669 -- Christina Rossetti
11671 Better hope the life-inspector doesn't come
11672 around while you have your life in such a mess.
11674 Better hope you get what you want before you stop wanting it.
11676 Better late than never.
11677 -- Titus Livius (Livy)
11679 Better living a beggar than buried an emperor.
11681 Better the prince of some inferior court,
11682 Than second, or less, in beatific light.
11683 -- Lucifer, Joost van den Vondel's "Lucifer"
11685 Better to be nouveau than never to have been riche at all.
11687 Better to light one candle than to curse the darkness.
11688 -- motto of the Christopher Society
11690 Better to use medicines at the outset than at the last moment.
11692 Better tried by twelve than carried by six.
11695 Between 1950 and 1952, a bored weatherman, stationed north of Hudson Bay,
11696 left a monument that neither government nor time can eradicate. Using a
11697 bulldozer abandoned by the Air Force, he spent two years and great effort
11698 pushing boulders into a single word.
11699 It can be seen from 10,000 feet, silhouetted against the snow.
11700 Government officials exchanged memos full of circumlocutions (no Latin
11701 equivalent exists) but failed to word an appropriation bill for the
11702 destruction of this cairn, that wouldn't alert the press and embarrass both
11703 Parliament and Party.
11704 It stands today, a monument to human spirit. If life exists on other
11705 planets, this may be the first message received from us.
11706 -- The Realist, November, 1964.
11708 Between grand theft and a legal fee, there only stands a law degree.
11710 Between infinite and short there is a big difference.
11718 -- T.S. Eliot, "The Hollow Man"
11720 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
11721 referring to system service dispatching.]
11723 BEWARE! People acting under the influence of human nature.
11725 Beware of a dark-haired man with a loud tie.
11727 Beware of a tall black man with one blond shoe.
11729 Beware of a tall blond man with one black shoe.
11731 Beware of all enterprises that require new clothes, and not rather
11732 a new wearer of clothes.
11733 -- Henry David Thoreau
11737 Beware of bugs in the above code;
11738 I have only proved it correct, not tried it.
11741 Beware of friends who are false and deceitful.
11743 Beware of geeks bearing graft.
11745 Beware of low-flying butterflies.
11747 Beware of mathematicians and all those who make empty prophecies. The
11748 danger already exists that the mathematicians have made covenant with
11749 the devil to darken the spirit and to confine man in the bonds of hell.
11752 Beware of Programmers who carry screwdrivers.
11753 -- Leonard Brandwein
11755 Beware of strong drink. It can make you
11756 shoot at tax collectors -- and miss.
11757 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough For Love"
11759 Beware of the man who knows the answer before he understands the question.
11761 "Beware of the man who works hard to learn something, learns it, and finds
11762 himself no wiser than before," Bokonon tells us. "He is full of murderous
11763 resentment of people who are ignorant without having come by their
11764 ignorance the hard way."
11767 Beware of the Turing Tar-pit in which everything
11768 is possible but nothing of interest is easy.
11770 Beware the new TTY code!
11772 Beware the one behind you.
11775 When *everybody* thinks you're a pervert.
11777 Bierman's Laws of Contracts:
11778 (1) In any given document, you can't cover all the "what if's".
11779 (2) Lawyers stay in business resolving all the unresolved "what if's".
11780 (3) Every resolved "what if" creates two unresolved "what if's".
11782 Big book, big bore.
11785 Big M, Little M, many mumbling mice
11786 Are making midnight music in the moonlight,
11789 Bigamy is having one spouse too many. Monogamy is the same.
11791 Biggest security gap -- an open mouth.
11794 You cannot count friends that are all packed up in barrels.
11796 Bill Dickey is learning me his experience.
11797 -- Yogi Berra in his rookie season.
11799 Billy: Mom, you know that vase you said was handed down from
11800 generation to generation?
11802 Billy: Well, this generation dropped it.
11804 Bingo, gas station, hamburger with a side order of airplane noise,
11805 and you'll be Gary, Indiana.
11806 -- Jessie, "Greaser's Palace"
11809 Don't try to stem the tide -- move the beach.
11811 Biology grows on you.
11813 Biology is the only science in which
11814 multiplication means the same thing as division.
11816 Birds and bees have as much to do with the facts of life as black
11817 nightgowns do with keeping warm.
11818 -- Hester Mundis, "Powermom"
11820 Birds are entangled by their feet and men by their tongues.
11823 The first and direst of all disasters.
11826 Birthdays are like busses, never the number you want.
11828 Bistromathics is simply a revolutionary new way of understanding the
11829 behavior of numbers. Just as Einstein observed that space was not an
11830 absolute, but depended on the observer's movement in space, and that
11831 time was not an absolute, but depended on the observer's movement in
11832 time, so it is now realized that numbers are not absolute, but depend
11833 on the observer's movement in restaurants.
11837 A unit of measure applied to color. Twenty-four-bit color
11838 refers to expensive $3 color as opposed to the cheaper 25
11839 cent, or two-bit, color that use to be available a few years
11842 Bit off more than my mind could chew,
11843 Shower or suicide, what do I do?
11844 -- Julie Brown, "Will I Make it Through the Eighties?"
11848 Bizarreness is the essence of the exotic.
11850 Black people have never rioted. A riot is what white people think blacks
11851 are involved in when they burn stores.
11854 Black shiny mollies and bright colored guppies,
11855 Shy little angels as gentle as puppies,
11856 Swimming and diving with scarcely a swish,
11857 They were just some of my tropical fish.
11859 Then I got mantas that sting in the water,
11860 Deadly piranhas that itch for a slaughter,
11861 Savage male betas that bite with a squish,
11862 Now I have many less tropical fish.
11866 That's an empty wish.
11867 Just dump them together
11868 And leave them alone,
11869 And soon you will have -- no fish.
11870 -- To My Favorite Things
11872 Blackout, heatwave, .44 caliber homicide,
11873 The bums drop dead and the dogs go mad in packs on the West Side,
11874 A young girl standing on a ledge, looks like another suicide,
11875 She wants to hit those bricks,
11876 'cause the news at six got to stick to a deadline,
11877 While the millionaires hide in Beekman place,
11878 The bag ladies throw their bones in my face,
11879 I get attacked by a kid with stereo sound,
11880 I don't want to hear it but he won't turn it down...
11881 -- Billy Joel, "Glass Houses"
11883 Blame Saint Andreas -- it's all his fault.
11885 Blessed are the forgetful: for they
11886 get the better even of their blunders.
11889 Blessed are the meek for they shall inhibit the earth.
11891 Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt.
11894 Blessed are they that have nothing to say, and who cannot be persuaded
11896 -- James Russell Lowell
11898 Blessed are they who Go Around in Circles,
11899 for they Shall be Known as Wheels.
11901 Blessed is he who expects no gratitude, for he shall not be disappointed.
11904 Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed.
11907 Blessed is he who has reached the point of no return and knows it,
11908 for he shall enjoy living.
11911 Blessed is the man who, having nothing to say,
11912 abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact.
11915 Blinding speed can compensate for a lot of deficiencies.
11919 Using anything BUT a hammer to hammer a nail into the
11920 wall, such as shoes, lamp bases, doorstops, etc.
11921 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
11923 Blood is thicker than water, and much tastier.
11925 Bloom's Seventh Law of Litigation:
11926 The judge's jokes are always funny.
11928 Blow it out your ear.
11931 [Funny to Jack Slingwine, Guy Harris and Hal Pierson. Ed.]
11934 Nothing is impossible for the man who will not listen to reason.
11936 Body by Nautilus, Brain by Mattel.
11938 Boling's postulate:
11939 If you're feeling good, don't worry. You'll get over it.
11941 Bolub's Fourth Law of Computerdom:
11942 Project teams detest weekly progress reporting because it so
11943 vividly manifests their lack of progress.
11945 Bond reflected that good Americans were fine people and that most of them
11946 seemed to come from Texas.
11947 -- Ian Fleming, "Casino Royale"
11949 Bondage maybe, discipline never!
11952 Bones: "The man's DEAD, Jim!"
11955 You always find something in the last place you look.
11958 An ounce of application is worth a ton of abstraction.
11961 A person who talks when you wish him to listen.
11965 According to the Oxford English Dictionary, in the Middle Ages the
11966 words "boss" and "botch" were largely synonymous, except that boss,
11967 in addition to meaning "a supervisor of workers" also meant "an
11971 An outdoor Betty Ford Clinic.
11974 Ludwig van Beethoven being jeered by 50,000 sports
11975 fans for finishing second in the Irish jig competition.
11977 Both models are identical in performance, functional operation, and
11978 interface circuit details. The two models, however, are not compatible
11979 on the same communications line connection.
11980 -- Bell System Technical Reference
11982 Boucher's Observation:
11983 He who blows his own horn always plays the music
11984 several octaves higher than originally written.
11986 Bounders get bound when they are caught bounding.
11990 Talent goes where the action is.
11993 If an experiment works, you must be using the wrong equipment.
11997 Boy, get your head out of the stars above,
11998 You get the maximum pleasure from a minimum of love.
11999 Save your heart and let your body be enough,
12000 To get the maximum pleasure from a minimum of love.
12001 Save your heart and let your body be enough,
12002 And get the maximum pleasure from a minimum of love.
12003 -- Mac Macinelli, "Minimum Love"
12005 Boy, I sure wish that I could be in the
12006 'Advanced Systems Development' group!
12009 A noise with dirt on it.
12011 Boy, that crayon sure did hurt!
12013 Boycott meat - suck your thumb.
12015 Boys will be boys, and so will a lot of middle-aged men.
12018 Bozo is the Brotherhood of Zips and Others. Bozos are people who band
12019 together for fun and profit. They have no jobs. Anybody who goes on a
12020 tour is a Bozo. Why does a Bozo cross the street? Because there's a Bozo
12021 on the other side. It comes from the phrase vos otros, meaning others.
12022 They're the huge, fat, middle waist. The archetype is an Irish drunk
12023 clown with red hair and nose, and pale skin. Fields, William Bendix.
12024 Everybody tends to drift toward Bozoness. It has Oz in it. They mean
12025 well. They're straight-looking except they've got inflatable shoes. They
12026 like their comforts. The Bozos have learned to enjoy their free time,
12027 which is all the time.
12028 -- Firesign Theatre, "If Bees Lived Inside Your Head"
12030 Brace yourselves. We're about to try something that borders on the unique:
12031 an actually rather serious technical book which is not only (gasp) vehemently
12032 anti-Solemn, but also (shudder) takes sides. I tend to think of it as
12033 `Constructive Snottiness.'
12034 -- Mike Padlipsky, "Elements of Networking Style"
12037 If computers get too powerful, we can organize
12038 them into a committee -- that will do them in.
12040 Brady's First Law of Problem Solving:
12041 When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more
12042 easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger
12043 have handled this?"
12045 Brahma said: Well, after hearing ten thousand explanations, a fool is no
12046 wiser. But an intelligent man needs only two thousand five hundred.
12049 Brain fried -- core dumped
12052 The apparatus with which we think that we think.
12053 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
12055 brain, v: [as in "to brain"]
12056 To rebuke bluntly, but not pointedly; to dispel a source
12057 of error in an opponent.
12058 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
12060 brain-damaged, generalization of "Honeywell Brain Damage" (HBD), a
12061 theoretical disease invented to explain certain utter cretinisms in
12063 Obviously wrong; cretinous; demented. There is an implication
12064 that the person responsible must have suffered brain damage,
12065 because he/she should have known better. Calling something
12066 brain-damaged is bad; it also implies it is unusable.
12068 Brandy Davis, an outfielder and teammate of mine with the Pittsburgh Pirates,
12069 is my choice for team captain. Cincinnati was beating us 3-1, and I led
12070 off the bottom of the eighth with a walk. The next hitter banged a hard
12071 single to right field. Feeling the wind at my back, I rounded second and
12072 kept going, sliding safely into third base.
12073 With runners at first and third, and home-run hitter Ralph Kiner at
12074 bat, our manager put in the fast Brandy Davis to run for the player at first.
12075 Even with Kiner hitting and a change to win the game with a home run, Brandy
12076 took off for second and made it. Now we had runners at second and third.
12077 I'm standing at third, knowing I'm not going anywhere, and see Brandy
12078 start to take a lead. All of a sudden, here he comes. He makes a great slide
12079 into third, and I scream, "Brandy, where are you going?" He looks up, and
12080 shouts, "Back to second if I can make it."
12081 -- Joe Garagiola, "It's Anybody's Ball Game"
12083 Brandy-and-water spoils two good things.
12086 Breadth-first search is the bulldozer of science.
12089 Break into jail and claim police brutality.
12091 Breathe deep the gathering gloom.
12092 Watch lights fade from every room.
12093 Bed-sitter people look back and lament;
12094 another day's useless energies spent.
12096 Impassioned lovers wrestle as one.
12097 Lonely man cries for love and has none.
12098 New mother picks up and suckles her son.
12099 Senior citizens wish they were young.
12101 Cold-hearted orb that rules the night;
12102 Removes the colors from our sight.
12103 Red is grey and yellow white.
12104 But we decide which is real, and which is an illusion."
12105 -- The Moody Blues, "Days of Future Passed"
12107 Breeding rabbits is a hare raising experience.
12110 A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.
12112 Bridge ahead. Pay troll.
12115 A trial where the jury gets together and forms a lynching party.
12117 Briefly stated, the findings are that when presented with an array of
12118 data or a sequence of events in which they are instructed to discover
12119 an underlying order, subjects show strong tendencies to perceive order
12120 and causality in random arrays, to perceive a pattern or correlation
12121 which seems a priori intuitively correct even when the actual correlation
12122 in the data is counterintuitive, to jump to conclusions about the correct
12123 hypothesis, to seek and to use only positive or confirmatory evidence, to
12124 construe evidence liberally as confirmatory, to fail to generate or to
12125 assess alternative hypotheses, and having thus managed to expose themselves
12126 only to confirmatory instances, to be fallaciously confident of the validity
12127 of their judgments (Jahoda, 1969; Einhorn and Hogarth, 1978). In the
12128 analyzing of past events, these tendencies are exacerbated by failure to
12129 appreciate the pitfalls of post hoc analyses.
12132 Brillineggiava, ed i tovoli slati
12133 girlavano ghimbanti nella vaba;
12134 i borogovi eran tutti mimanti
12135 e la moma radeva fuorigraba.
12137 "Figliuolo mio, sta' attento al Gibrovacco,
12138 dagli artigli e dal morso lacerante;
12139 fuggi l'uccello Giuggiolo, e nel sacco
12140 metti infine il frumioso Bandifante".
12141 -- "The Jabberwock"
12143 Bringing computers into the home won't change
12144 either one, but may revitalize the corner saloon.
12146 Brisk talkers are usually slow thinkers. There is, indeed, no wild beast
12147 more to be dreaded than a communicative man having nothing to communicate.
12148 If you are civil to the voluble, they will abuse your patience; if
12149 brusque, your character.
12152 British education is probably the best in the world, if you can survive
12153 it. If you can't there is nothing left for you but the diplomatic corps.
12156 British Israelites:
12157 The British Israelites believe the white Anglo-Saxons of Britain to
12158 be descended from the ten lost tribes of Israel deported by Sargon of Assyria
12159 on the fall of Sumeria in 721 B.C. ... They further believe that the future
12160 can be foretold by the measurements of the Great Pyramid, which probably
12161 means it will be big and yellow and in the hand of the Arabs. They also
12162 believe that if you sleep with your head under the pillow a fairy will come
12163 and take all your teeth.
12164 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
12166 broad-mindedness, n:
12167 The result of flattening high-mindedness out.
12170 People tend to congregate in the back
12171 of the church and the front of the bus.
12174 Someone who buys stocks on the advice of a broker.
12177 Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool
12178 discovers something which either abolishes the system or
12179 expands it beyond recognition.
12181 BS: You remind me of a man.
12183 BS: The man with the power.
12185 BS: The power of voodoo.
12189 BS: Remind me of a man.
12191 BS: The man with the power...
12192 -- Cary Grant, "The Bachelor and the Bobby-Soxer"
12194 Buck-passing usually turns out to be a boomerang.
12197 Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man.
12200 An elusive creature living in a program that makes it incorrect.
12201 The activity of "debugging," or removing bugs from a program, ends
12202 when people get tired of doing it, not when the bugs are removed.
12205 An elusive creature living in a program that makes it incorrect.
12206 The activity of "debugging", or removing bugs from a program, ends
12207 when people get tired of doing it, not when the bugs are removed.
12208 -- "Datamation", January 15, 1984
12210 Build a system that even a fool can use
12211 and only a fool will want to use it.
12213 Building translators is good clean fun.
12216 Bullwinkle: You just leave that to my pal. He's the brains of the outfit.
12217 General: What does that make YOU?
12218 Bullwinkle: What else? An executive.
12221 All the parts falling off this car are
12222 of the very finest British manufacture.
12224 Bunker's Admonition:
12225 You cannot buy beer; you can only rent it.
12228 The obsessive act of opening and closing a refrigerator door in
12229 an attempt to catch it before the automatic light comes on.
12230 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
12232 Bureau Termination, Law of:
12233 When a government bureau is scheduled to be phased out,
12234 the number of employees in that bureau will double within
12235 12 months after the decision is made.
12238 A method for transforming energy into solid waste.
12241 A politician who has tenure.
12243 Burke's Postulates:
12244 Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
12245 Don't create a problem for which you do not have the answer.
12247 Burnt Sienna. That's the best thing that ever happened to Crayolas.
12250 Bus error -- driver executed.
12252 Bus error -- please leave by the rear door.
12254 Bushydo -- the way of the shrub. Bonsai!
12256 Business is a good game -- lots of competition
12257 and minimum of rules. You keep score with money.
12258 -- Nolan Bushnell, founder of Atari
12260 Business will be either better or worse.
12263 ...but as records of courts and justice are admissible, it can easily be
12264 proved that powerful and malevolent magicians once existed and were a scourge
12265 to mankind. The evidence (including confession) upon which certain women
12266 were convicted of witchcraft and executed was without a flaw; it is still
12267 unimpeachable. The judges' decisions based on it were sound in logic and
12268 in law. Nothing in any existing court was ever more thoroughly proved than
12269 the charges of witchcraft and sorcery for which so many suffered death. If
12270 there were no witches, human testimony and human reason are alike destitute
12274 But Captain -- the engines can't take this much longer!
12276 But, for my own part, it was Greek to me.
12277 -- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar"
12279 But has any little atom,
12280 While a-sittin' and a-splittin',
12281 Ever stopped to think or CARE
12284 "But Huey, you PROMISED!"
12287 But I always fired into the nearest hill or, failing that, into blackness.
12288 I meant no harm; I just liked the explosions. And I was careful never to
12289 kill more than I could eat.
12292 But I don't like Spam!!!!
12294 "But I don't want to go on the cart..."
12295 "Oh, don't be such a baby!"
12296 "But I'm feeling much better..."
12297 "No you're not... in a moment you'll be stone dead!"
12298 -- Monty Python, "The Holy Grail"
12300 But I find the old notions somehow appealing. Not that I want to go
12301 back to them -- it is outrageous to have some outer authority tell you
12302 what is proper use and abuse of your own faculties, and it is ludicrous
12303 to hold reason higher than body or feeling. Still there is something
12304 true and profoundly sane about the belief that acts like murder or
12305 theft or assault violate the doer as well as the done to. We might
12306 even, if we thought this way, have less crime. The popular view of
12307 crime, as far as I can deduce it from the movies and television, is
12308 that it is a breaking of a rule by someone who thinks they can get away
12309 with that; implicitly, everyone would like to break the rule, but not
12310 everyone is arrogant enough to imagine they can get away with it. It
12311 therefore becomes very important for the rule upholders to bring such
12313 -- Marilyn French, "The Woman's Room"
12315 But if we laugh with derision, we will never understand. Human
12316 intellectual capacity has not altered for thousands of years so far as
12317 we can tell. If intelligent people invested intense energy in issues
12318 that now seem foolish to us, then the failure lies in our understanding
12319 of their world, not in their distorted perceptions. Even the standard
12320 example of ancient nonsense -- the debate about angels on pinheads --
12321 makes sense once you realize that theologians were not discussing
12322 whether five or eighteen would fit, but whether a pin could house a
12323 finite or an infinite number.
12324 -- S.J. Gould, "Wide Hats and Narrow Minds"
12326 But if you wish at once to do nothing and to be respectable
12327 nowdays, the best pretext is to be at work on some profound study.
12328 -- Leslie Stephen, "Sketches from Cambridge"
12330 But in our enthusiasm, we could not resist a radical overhaul of the
12331 system, in which all of its major weaknesses have been exposed,
12332 analyzed, and replaced with new weaknesses.
12334 "Register Allocation in Optimizing Compilers"
12339 But like the Good Book says... There's BIGGER DEALS to come!
12341 But, Mousie, thou art no thy lane,
12342 In proving foresight may be vain:
12343 The best laid schemes o' mice an' men
12345 An' lea'e us nought but grief and pain
12347 -- Robert Burns, "To a Mouse", 1785
12349 But, officer, he's not drunk, I just saw his fingers twitch!
12351 But Officer, I stopped for the last one, and it was green!
12353 But scientists, who ought to know
12354 Assure us that it must be so.
12355 Oh, let us never, never doubt
12356 What nobody is sure about.
12359 But sex and drugs and rock & roll, why, they'd bring our blackest day.
12361 But since I knew now that I could hope for nothing of greater value than
12362 frivolous pleasures, what point was there in denying myself of them?
12365 But soft you, the fair Ophelia:
12366 Ope not thy ponderous and marble jaws,
12367 But get thee to a nunnery -- go!
12368 -- Mark "The Bard" Twain
12370 But these pills can't be habit forming;
12371 I've been taking them for years.
12373 But this has taken us far afield from interface, which is not a bad
12374 place to be, since I particularly want to move ahead to the kludge.
12375 Why do people have so much trouble understanding the kludge? What
12376 is a kludge, after all, but not enough K's, not enough ROM's, not
12377 enough RAM's, poor quality interface and too few bytes to go around?
12378 Have I explained yet about the bytes?
12380 But you shall not escape my iambics.
12381 -- Gaius Valerius Catullus
12383 But you who live on dreams, you are better pleased with the sophistical
12384 reasoning and frauds of talkers about great and uncertain matters than
12385 those who speak of certain and natural matters, not of such lofty nature.
12386 -- Leonardo Da Vinci, "The Codex on the Flight of Birds"
12388 Buzz off, Banana Nose; Relieve mine eyes
12389 Of hateful soreness, purge mine ears of corn;
12390 Less dear than army ants in apple pies
12391 Art thou, old prune-face, with thy chestnuts worn,
12392 Dropt from thy peeling lips like lousy fruit;
12393 Like honeybees upon the perfum'd rose
12394 They suck, and like the double-breasted suit
12395 Are out of date; therefore, Banana Nose,
12396 Go fly a kite, thy welcome's overstayed;
12397 And stem the produce of thy waspish wits:
12398 Thy logick, like thy locks, is disarrayed;
12399 Thy cheer, like thy complexion, is the pits.
12400 Be off, I say; go bug somebody new,
12401 Scram, beat it, get thee hence, and nuts to you.
12404 The fly in the ointment of computer literacy.
12406 By doing just a little every day, you can
12407 gradually let the task completely overwhelm you.
12409 By failing to prepare, you are preparing to fail.
12411 By long-standing tradition, I take this opportunity to savage other
12412 designers in the thin disguise of good, clean fun.
12413 -- P.J. Plauger, "Computer Language", 1988, April
12416 By nature, men are nearly alike;
12417 by practice, they get to be wide apart.
12420 By necessity, by proclivity, and by delight, we all quote.
12421 In fact, it is as difficult to appropriate the thoughts of others
12422 as it is to invent.
12424 -- Quoted from a fortune cookie program
12425 (whose author claims, "Actually, stealing IS easier.")
12426 [to which I reply, "You think it's easy for me to
12427 misconstrue all these misquotations?!?" Ed.]
12429 By perseverance the snail reached the Ark.
12430 -- Charles Spurgeon
12432 By protracting life, we do not deduct one jot from the duration of death.
12433 -- Titus Lucretius Carus
12435 By the time you swear you're his,
12436 shivering and sighing
12437 and he vows his passion is
12438 infinite, undying --
12439 Lady, make a note of this:
12440 One of you is lying.
12441 -- Dorothy Parker, "Unfortunate Coincidence"
12443 By the yard, life is hard.
12444 By the inch, it's a cinch.
12446 By trying we can easily learn to endure adversity.
12447 Another man's, I mean.
12450 By working faithfully eight hours a day,
12451 you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve.
12455 Believing Your Own Bull
12457 Bypasses are devices that allow some people to dash from point A to
12458 point B very fast while other people dash from point B to point A very
12459 fast. People living at point C, being a point directly in between, are
12460 often given to wonder what's so great about point A that so many people
12461 from point B are so keen to get there and what's so great about point B
12462 that so many people from point B are so keen to get there. They often
12463 wish that people would just once and for all work out where the hell
12465 -- The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
12467 BYTE editors are people who separate the wheat from the chaff, and then
12468 carefully print the chaff.
12479 C++ is the best example of second-system effect since OS/360.
12481 C makes it easy for you to shoot yourself in the foot. C++ makes that
12482 harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.
12483 -- Bjarne Stroustrup
12486 A programming language that is sort of like Pascal except more like
12487 assembly except that it isn't very much like either one, or anything
12488 else. It is either the best language available to the art today, or
12493 A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as
12498 A very expensive part of the memory system of a computer that no one
12499 is supposed to know is there.
12502 When all else fails, read the instructions.
12504 California is a fine place to live -- if you happen to be an orange.
12507 Californians are a strange people. They'll put every chemical known to God
12508 and man up their nostrils and then laugh at you for putting sugar in your
12511 Call on God, but row away from the rocks.
12514 Call things by their right names... Glass of brandy and water! That is the
12515 current but not the appropriate name: ask for a glass of fire and distilled
12517 -- Robert Hall, in Olinthus Gregory's, "Brief Memoir of the
12520 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
12521 referring to logical names.]
12523 Calling J-Man Kink. Calling J-Man Kink. Hash missle sighted, target
12524 Los Angeles. Disregard personal feelings about city and intercept.
12526 Calling you stupid is an insult to stupid people!
12527 -- Wanda, "A Fish Called Wanda"
12529 Calm down, it's *only* ones and zeroes.
12531 Calm down, it's only ones and zeroes,
12532 Calm down, it's only bits and bytes,
12533 Calm down, and speak to me in English,
12534 Please realize that I'm not one of your computerites.
12536 Calvin: "I wonder where we go when we die."
12537 Hobbes: "Pittsburgh?"
12538 Calvin: "You mean if we're good or if we're bad?"
12540 Calvin Coolidge looks as if he had been weaned on a pickle.
12541 -- Alice Roosevelt Longworth
12543 Calvin Coolidge was the greatest man
12544 who ever came out of Plymouth Corner, Vermont.
12548 Nature abhors a vacuous experimenter.
12550 Campus crusade for Cthulhu -- it found me.
12552 Can anyone remember when the times
12553 were not hard, and money not scarce?
12555 Can anything be sadder than work left unfinished?
12556 Yes, work never begun.
12558 Can you buy friendship? You not only can, you must. It's the
12559 only way to obtain friends. Everything worthwhile has a price.
12560 -- Robert J. Ringer
12562 Canada Bill Jones's Motto:
12563 It's morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money.
12565 Canada Bill Jones's Supplement:
12566 A Smith and Wesson beats four aces.
12568 Canada Post doesn't really charge 32 cents for a stamp.
12569 It's 2 cents for postage and 30 cents for storage.
12570 -- Gerald Regan, Cabinet Minister, 12/31/83 Financial Post
12572 CANCER (June 21 - July 22)
12573 This is a good time for those of you who are rich and happy,
12574 but a poor time for those of you born under this sign who are
12575 poor and unhappy. To tell you the truth, any day is tough
12576 when you're poor and unhappy.
12579 The usual or standard state or manner of something. A true story:
12580 One Bob Sjoberg, new at the MIT AI Lab, expressed some annoyance at the use
12581 of jargon. Over his loud objections, we made a point of using jargon as
12582 much as possible in his presence, and eventually it began to sink in.
12583 Finally, in one conversation, he used the word "canonical" in jargon-like
12584 fashion without thinking.
12585 Steele: "Aha! We've finally got you talking jargon too!"
12586 Stallman: "What did he say?"
12587 Steele: "He just used `canonical' in the canonical way."
12589 Can't act. Slightly bald. Also dances.
12590 -- RKO executive, reacting to Fred Astaire's screen test.
12591 Cerf/Navasky, "The Experts Speak"
12593 Can't open /usr/fortunes. Lid stuck on cookie jar.
12595 Can't open /usr/games/lib/fortunes.dat.
12597 Capitalism is the extraordinary belief that the nastiest of men, for
12598 the nastiest of reasons, will somehow work for the benefit of us all.
12599 -- John Maynard Keynes
12601 CAPRICORN (Dec 22 - Jan 19)
12602 Play your hunches. This is a day when luck will play an important
12603 part in your life. If you were smarter, you wouldn't need so much
12604 luck and you wouldn't be reading your horoscope, either. You are
12605 a suspicious person, and it will occur to you that astrologers
12606 don't know what they're talking about any more than your Aunt Martha.
12608 CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 to Jan. 19)
12609 Follow your instincts. You are much too scatterbrained to do anything
12610 else, such as think. Romance is in the air, but not for you, so forget
12611 it. That pimple on the end of your nose will get worse.
12613 CAPRICORN (Dec 23 - Jan 19)
12614 You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You don't do
12615 much of anything and are lazy. There has never been a Capricorn
12616 of any importance. Capricorns should avoid standing still for
12617 too long as they tend to take root and become trees.
12619 Captain Penny's Law:
12620 You can fool all of the people some of the time, and
12621 some of the people all of the time, but you Can't Fool Mom.
12623 Captain's Log, star date 21:34.5...
12625 Carelessly planned projects take three times longer to complete than expected.
12626 Carefully planned projects take four times longer to complete than expected,
12627 mostly because the planners expect their planning to reduce the time it
12630 Carney's Law: There's at least a 50-50 chance that someone will print
12631 the name Craney incorrectly.
12634 Carob works on the principle that, when mixed with the right combination of
12635 fats and sugar, it can duplicate chocolate in color and texture. Of course,
12636 the same can be said of dirt.
12638 carperpetuation, n:
12639 The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string at least a dozen
12640 times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting
12641 it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.
12642 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
12644 Carson's Consolation:
12645 Nothing is ever a complete failure.
12646 It can always be used as a bad example.
12648 Carson's Observation on Footwear:
12649 If the shoe fits, buy the other one too.
12651 Carswell's Corollary:
12652 Whenever man comes up with a better mousetrap,
12653 nature invariably comes up with a better mouse.
12655 Catch a wave and you're sitting on top of the world.
12658 Catharsis is something I associate with pornography and crossword puzzles.
12661 Catproof is an oxymoron, childproof nearly so.
12663 Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a function.
12664 -- Garrison Keillor
12666 Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't make eight cats pull
12667 a sled through the snow.
12669 Cats, no less liquid than their shadows, offer no angles to the wind.
12671 Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education.
12672 -- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson"
12674 Caution: Breathing may be hazardous to your health.
12676 Caution: Keep out of reach of children.
12678 CCI Power 6/40: one board, a megabyte of cache, and an attitude...
12680 Celebrate Hannibal Day this year. Take an elephant to lunch.
12682 Celestial navigation is based on the premise that the Earth is the center
12683 of the universe. The premise is wrong, but the navigation works. An
12684 incorrect model can be a useful tool.
12685 -- Kelvin Throop III
12687 Census Taker to Housewife:
12688 Did you ever have the measles, and, if so, how many?
12690 Center meeting at 4pm in 2C-543.
12692 cerebral atrophy, n:
12693 The phenomena which occurs as brain cells become weak and sick, and
12694 impair the brain's performance. An abundance of these "bad" cells can cause
12695 symptoms related to senility, apathy, depression, and overall poor academic
12696 performance. A certain small number of brain cells will deteriorate due to
12697 everday activity, but large amounts are weakened by intense mental effort
12698 and the assimilation of difficult concepts. Many college students become
12699 victims of this dread disorder due to poor habits such as overstudying.
12701 cerebral darwinism, n:
12702 The theory that the effects of cerebral atrophy can be reversed
12703 through the purging action of heavy alcohol consumption. Large amounts of
12704 alcohol cause many brain cells to perish due to oxygen deprivation. Through
12705 the process of natural selection, the weak and sick brain cells will die
12706 first, leaving only the healthy cells. This wonderful process leaves the
12707 imbiber with a healthier, more vibrant brain, and increases mental capacity.
12708 Thus, the devastating effects of cerebral atrophy are reversed, and academic
12709 performance actually increases beyond previous levels.
12711 Cerebus: I'd love to lick apricot brandy out of your navel.
12712 Jaka: Look, Cerebus -- Jaka has to tell you... something
12713 Cerebus: If Cerebus had a navel, would you lick apricot brandy out
12716 Cerebus: You don't like apricot brandy?
12717 -- Cerebus, #6, "The Secret"
12719 Certain old men prefer to rise at dawn, taking a cold bath and a long
12720 walk with an empty stomach and otherwise mortifying the flesh. They
12721 then point with pride to these practices as the cause of their sturdy
12722 health and ripe years; the truth being that they are hearty and old,
12723 not because of their habits, but in spite of them. The reason we find
12724 only robust persons doing this thing is that it has killed all the
12725 others who have tried it.
12726 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
12729 Certain passages in several laws have always defied interpretation and the
12730 most inexplicable must be a matter of opinion. A judge of the Court of
12731 Session of Scotland has sent the editors of this book his candidate which
12732 reads, "In the Nuts (unground), (other than ground nuts) Order, the expression
12733 nuts shall have reference to such nuts, other than ground nuts, as would
12734 but for this amending Order not qualify as nuts (unground) (other than ground
12735 nuts) by reason of their being nuts (unground)."
12736 -- Guiness Book of World Records, 1973
12738 Certainly the game is rigged.
12739 Don't let that stop you; if you don't bet, you can't win.
12740 -- Robert Heinlein, "Time Enough For Love"
12742 Certainly there are things in life that money can't buy,
12743 But it's very funny --
12744 did you ever try buying them without money?
12747 C'est magnifique, mais ce n'est pas la guerre!
12749 C'est magnifique, mais ce n'est pas l'Informatique.
12750 -- Bosquet [on seeing the IBM 4341]
12752 CF&C stole it, fair and square.
12755 Chairman of the Bored.
12757 Chamberlain's Laws:
12758 1: The big guys always win.
12759 2: Everything tastes more or less like chicken.
12761 Champagne don't make me lazy. Cocaine don't drive me crazy.
12762 Ain't nobody's business but my own.
12765 Chance is perhaps the work of God when He did not want to sign.
12768 Change your thoughts and you change your world.
12770 Changing husbands/wives is only changing troubles.
12773 Chaos is King and Magic is loose in the world.
12775 Chapter 2: Newtonian Growth and Decay
12777 The growth-decay formulas were developed in the trivial fashion by
12778 Isaac Newton's famous brother Phigg. His idea was to provide an equation
12779 that would describe a quantity that would dwindle and dwindle, but never
12780 quite reach zero. Historically, he was merely trying to work out his
12781 mortgage. Another versatile equation also emerged, one which would define
12782 a function that would continue to grow, but never reach unity. This equation
12783 can be applied to charging capacitors, over-damped springs, and the human
12786 character density, n.:
12787 The number of very weird people in the office.
12789 Character is what you are in the dark!
12790 -- Lord John Whorfin
12793 A thing that begins at home and usually stays there.
12795 Charity begins at home.
12796 -- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence)
12798 Charlie Brown: Why was I put on this earth?
12799 Linus: To make others happy.
12800 Charlie Brown: Why were others put on this earth?
12802 Charlie was a chemist,
12803 But Charlie is no more.
12804 What Charlie thought was H2O was H2SO4.
12806 Charm is a way of getting the answer "Yes" --
12807 without having asked any clear question.
12809 Cheap things are of no value, valuable things are not cheap.
12811 Check me if I'm wrong, Sandy, but if I kill all the golfers...
12812 they're gonna lock me up and throw away the key!
12815 The thirteenth month of the year. Begins New Year's Day and ends
12816 when a person stops absentmindedly writing the old year on his checks.
12818 Cheer Up! Things are getting worse at a slower rate.
12820 Cheese -- milk's leap toward immortality.
12821 -- Clifton Fadiman, "Any Number Can Play"
12824 Any cook who swears in French.
12827 If you help a friend in need, he is sure to remember you--
12828 the next time he's in need.
12831 Noxious substances from which modern foods are made.
12833 Chemist who falls in acid is absorbed in work.
12835 Chemist who falls in acid will be tripping for weeks.
12837 Chemistry professors never die, they just fail to react.
12840 Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget.
12842 "Cheshire-Puss," she began, "would you tell me, please,
12843 which way I ought to go from here?"
12844 "That depends a good deal on where you want to get to," said the Cat.
12845 "I don't care much where--" said Alice.
12846 "Then it doesn't matter which way you go," said the Cat.
12851 Where the dead still vote... early and often!
12853 Chicago Transit Authority Rider's Rule #36:
12854 Never ever ask the tough looking gentleman wearing El Rukn
12855 headgear where he got his "pyramid powered pizza warmer".
12856 -- Chicago Reader 3/27/81
12858 Chicago Transit Authority Rider's Rule #84:
12859 The CTA has complimentary pop-up timers available on request
12860 for overheated passengers. When your timer pops up, the driver will
12861 cheerfully baste you.
12862 -- Chicago Reader 5/28/82
12864 Chicagoan: "So, where're you from?"
12865 Hoosier: "What's wrong with Indiana?"
12867 Chicken Little was right.
12870 An ancient miracle drug containing equal parts of aureomycin,
12871 cocaine, interferon, and TLC. The only ailment chicken soup
12872 can't cure is neurotic dependence on one's mother.
12875 Chihuahuas drive me crazy. I can't stand anything that
12876 shivers when it's warm.
12878 Children are like cats, they can tell when you don't like
12879 them. That's when they come over and violate your body space.
12881 Children are natural mimics who act like their parents
12882 despite every effort to teach them good manners.
12884 Children are unpredictable. You never know what inconsistency they're
12885 going to catch you in next.
12886 -- Franklin P. Jones
12888 Children aren't happy without something to ignore,
12889 And that's what parents were created for.
12892 Children begin by loving their parents. After a time they judge them.
12893 Rarely, if ever, do they forgive them.
12896 Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually
12897 repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.
12899 Children's talent to endure stems from their ignorance of alternatives.
12900 -- Maya Angelou, "I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings"
12902 Chinese saying: "He who speak with forked tongue, not need chopsticks."
12904 Chism's Law of Completion:
12905 The amount of time required to complete a government project is
12906 precisely equal to the length of time already spent on it.
12908 Chisolm's First Corollary to Murphy's Second Law:
12909 When things just can't possibly get any worse, they will.
12913 Choose in marriage only a woman whom you would choose as
12914 a friend if she were a man.
12918 Grandma got run over by a reindeer,
12919 Walking home from our house Christmas eve.
12920 You can say there's no such thing as Santa,
12921 But as for me and Grandpa, we believe!
12922 She'd been drinking too much eggnog,
12923 And we begged her not to go.
12924 But she'd forgot her medication, When we found her Christmas morning,
12925 And she staggered through the door At the scene of the attack.
12926 out in the snow. She had hoofprints on her forehead,
12927 And incriminating claus-marks on her
12928 Now we're all so proud of Grandpa, back.
12929 He's been taking this so well.
12930 See him in there watching football. I've warned all my friends and
12931 Drinking beer and playing cards neighbors,
12932 with cousin Mel. Better watch out for yourselves!
12933 They should never give a license,
12934 To a man who drives a sleigh and
12936 -- Elmo and Patsy, "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer"
12938 Christ died for our sins, so let's not disappoint Him.
12940 Christianity has not been tried and found wanting; it has been found
12941 difficult and not tried.
12944 Christianity might be a good thing if anyone ever tried it.
12945 -- George Bernard Shaw
12947 Christmas time is here, by Golly; Kill the turkeys, ducks and chickens;
12948 Disapproval would be folly; Mix the punch, drag out the Dickens;
12949 Deck the halls with hunks of holly; Even though the prospect sickens,
12950 Fill the cup and don't say when... Brother, here we go again.
12952 On Christmas day, you can't get sore; Relations sparing no expense'll,
12953 Your fellow man you must adore; Send some useless old utensil,
12954 There's time to rob him all the more, Or a matching pen and pencil,
12955 The other three hundred and sixty-four! Just the thing I need... how nice.
12957 It doesn't matter how sincere Hark The Herald-Tribune sings,
12958 It is, nor how heartfelt the spirit; Advertising wondrous things.
12959 Sentiment will not endear it; God Rest Ye Merry Merchants,
12960 What's important is... the price. May you make the Yuletide pay.
12961 Angels We Have Heard On High,
12962 Let the raucous sleighbells jingle; Tell us to go out and buy.
12963 Hail our dear old friend, Kris Kringle, Sooooo...
12964 Driving his reindeer across the sky,
12965 Don't stand underneath when they fly by!
12968 Churchill's Commentary on Man:
12969 Man will occasionally stumble over the truth,
12970 but most of the time he will pick himself up and continue on.
12973 A fire at one end, a fool at the other,
12974 and a bit of tobacco in between.
12977 The combination of popcorn, soda, and melted chocolate
12978 which covers the floors of movie theaters.
12979 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
12981 Circumstances rule men; men do not rule circumstances.
12984 Civilization and profits go hand in hand.
12987 Civilization, as we know it, will end sometime this evening.
12988 See SYSNOTE tomorrow for more information.
12990 Civilization is the limitless multiplication of unnecessary necessities.
12994 A person, commonly a woman, who has the power of seeing that
12995 which is invisible to her patron -- namely, that he is a blockhead.
12998 Claret is the liquor for boys; port for men; but he who
12999 aspires to be a hero... must drink brandy.
13002 Clarke's Conclusion:
13003 Never let your sense of morals interfere with doing the right thing.
13005 Class, that's the only thing that counts in life. Class.
13006 Without class and style, a man's a bum; he might as well be dead.
13009 Class: when they're running you out of town, to look like you're
13010 leading the parade.
13013 Classical music is the kind we keep thinking will turn into a tune.
13014 -- Kin Hubbard, "Abe Martin's Sayings"
13017 Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster.
13019 Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling
13020 the walk before it stops snowing.
13023 There is no need to do any housework at all. After the first four years
13024 the dirt doesn't get any worse.
13027 Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely.
13030 Cleanliness is next to impossible.
13033 Where their last tornado did six
13034 million dollars worth of improvements.
13037 Yes, I spent a week there one day.
13039 Climate and Surgery
13040 R C Gilchrist, who was shot by J Sharp twelve days ago, and who
13041 received a derringer ball in the right breast, and who it was supposed at
13042 the time could not live many hours, was on the street yesterday and the
13043 day before - walking several blocks at a time. To those who design to be
13044 riddled with bullets or cut to pieces with Bowie-knives, we cordially
13045 recommend our Sacramento climate and Sacramento surgery.
13046 -- Sacramento Daily Union, September 11, 1861
13048 Climbing onto a bar stool, a piece of string asked for a beer.
13049 "Wait a minute. Aren't you a string?"
13051 "Sorry. We don't serve strings here."
13052 The determined string left the bar and stopped a passer-by. "Excuse,
13053 me," it said, "would you shred my ends and tie me up like a pretzel?" The
13054 passer-by obliged, and the string re-entered the bar. "May I have a beer,
13055 please?" it asked the bartender.
13056 The barkeep set a beer in front of the string, then suddenly stopped.
13057 "Hey, aren't you the string I just threw out of here?"
13058 "No, I'm a frayed knot."
13061 1. An exact duplicate, as in "our product is a clone of their
13062 product." 2. A shoddy, spurious copy, as in "their product
13063 is a clone of our product."
13065 Clones are people two.
13067 Cloning is the sincerest form of flattery.
13069 Clothes make the man.
13070 Naked people have little or no influence on society.
13073 Clovis' Consideration of an Atmospheric Anomaly:
13074 The perversity of nature is nowhere better demonstrated
13075 than by the fact that, when exposed to the same atmosphere,
13076 bread becomes hard while crackers become soft.
13078 Coach: Can I draw you a beer, Norm?
13079 Norm: No, I know what they look like. Just pour me one.
13080 -- Cheers, No Help Wanted
13082 Coach: How about a beer, Norm?
13083 Norm: Hey I'm high on life, Coach. Of course, beer is my life.
13084 -- Cheers, No Help Wanted
13086 Coach: How's a beer sound, Norm?
13087 Norm: I dunno. I usually finish them before they get a word in.
13088 -- Cheers, Fortune and Men's Weights
13090 Coach: How's it going, Norm?
13091 Norm: Daddy's rich and Momma's good lookin'.
13092 -- Cheers, Truce or Consequences
13094 Sam: What's up, Norm?
13095 Norm: My nipples. It's freezing out there.
13096 -- Cheers, Coach Returns to Action
13098 Coach: What's the story, Norm?
13099 Norm: Thirsty guy walks into a bar. You finish it.
13100 -- Cheers, Endless Slumper
13102 Coach: What would you say to a beer, Normie?
13103 Norm: Daddy wuvs you.
13104 -- Cheers, The Mail Goes to Jail
13106 Sam: What'd you like, Normie?
13107 Norm: A reason to live. Gimme another beer.
13108 -- Cheers, Behind Every Great Man
13110 Sam: What will you have, Norm?
13111 Norm: Well, I'm in a gambling mood, Sammy. I'll take a glass
13112 of whatever comes out of that tap.
13113 Sam: Oh, looks like beer, Norm.
13114 Norm: Call me Mister Lucky.
13115 -- Cheers, The Executive's Executioner
13117 Coach: What's up, Norm?
13118 Norm: Corners of my mouth, Coach.
13119 -- Cheers, Fortune and Men's Weights
13121 Coach: What's shaking, Norm?
13122 Norm: All four cheeks and a couple of chins, Coach.
13123 -- Cheers, Snow Job
13125 Coach: Beer, Normie?
13126 Norm: Uh, Coach, I dunno, I had one this week.
13127 Eh, why not, I'm still young.
13128 -- Cheers, Snow Job
13131 An exercise in Artificial Inelegance.
13134 Completely Over and Beyond reason Or Logic.
13136 COBOL is for morons.
13137 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
13139 Cobol programmers are down in the dumps.
13141 COBOL programs are an exercise in Artificial Inelegance.
13143 Coding is easy; All you do is sit staring at a
13144 terminal until the drops of blood form on your forehead.
13146 Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum --
13147 I think that I think, therefore I think that I am.
13151 There is no bottom to worse.
13154 The more time you spend in reporting on what you are doing, the less
13155 time you have to do anything. Stability is achieved when you spend
13156 all your time reporting on the nothing you are doing.
13158 Coincidences are spiritual puns.
13162 When the politicians walk around
13163 with their hands in their own pockets.
13165 Cold hands, no gloves.
13168 Thinly sliced cabbage.
13171 A literary partnership based on the false
13172 assumption that the other fellow can spell.
13175 The fountains of knowledge, where everyone goes to drink.
13177 College football is a game which would be much more interesting if the
13178 faculty played instead of the students, and even more interesting if
13179 the trustees played. There would be a great increase in broken arms,
13180 legs, and necks, and simultaneously an appreciable diminution in the
13185 Where they don't buy M & M's, 'cause they're so hard to peel.
13187 Colorless green ideas sleep furiously.
13189 Column 1 Column 2 Column 3
13191 0. integrated 0. management 0. options
13192 1. total 1. organizational 1. flexibility
13193 2. systematized 2. monitored 2. capability
13194 3. parallel 3. reciprocal 3. mobility
13195 4. functional 4. digital 4. programming
13196 5. responsive 5. logistical 5. concept
13197 6. optional 6. transitional 6. time-phase
13198 7. synchronized 7. incremental 7. projection
13199 8. compatible 8. third-generation 8. hardware
13200 9. balanced 9. policy 9. contingency
13202 The procedure is simple. Think of any three-digit number, then select
13203 the corresponding buzzword from each column. For instance, number 257 produces
13204 "systematized logistical projection," a phrase that can be dropped into
13205 virtually any report with that ring of decisive, knowledgeable authority. "No
13206 one will have the remotest idea of what you're talking about," says Broughton,
13207 "but the important thing is that they're not about to admit it."
13208 -- Philip Broughton, "How to Win at Wordsmanship"
13210 Colvard's Logical Premises:
13211 All probabilities are 50%.
13212 Either a thing will happen or it won't.
13214 Colvard's Unconscionable Commentary:
13215 This is especially true when
13216 dealing with someone you're attracted to.
13218 Grelb's Commentary:
13219 Likelihoods, however, are 90% against you.
13221 Come, every frustum longs to be a cone,
13222 And every vector dreams of matrices.
13223 Hark to the gentle gradient of the breeze:
13224 It whispers of a more ergodic zone.
13225 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
13227 Come fill the cup and in the fire of spring
13228 Your winter garment of repentance fling.
13229 The bird of time has but a little way
13230 To flutter -- and the bird is on the wing.
13234 -- George McGovern, 1972
13236 Come, landlord, fill the flowing bowl until it does run over,
13237 Tonight we will all merry be -- tomorrow we'll get sober.
13238 -- John Fletcher, "The Bloody Brother", II, 2
13240 Come, let us hasten to a higher plane,
13241 Where dyads tread the fairy fields of Venn,
13242 Their indices bedecked from one to n,
13243 Commingled in an endless Markov chain!
13244 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
13246 Come, let us hasten to a higher plane,
13247 Where dyads tread the fairy fields of Venn,
13248 Their indices bedecked from one to n,
13249 Commingled in an endless Markov chain!
13251 Come, every frustum longs to be a cone,
13252 And every vector dreams of matrices.
13253 Hark to the gentle gradient of the breeze:
13254 It whispers of a more ergodic zone.
13256 In Riemann, Hilbert or in Banach space
13257 Let superscripts and subscripts go their ways.
13258 Our asymptotes no longer out of phase,
13259 We shall encounter, counting, face to face.
13262 Come live with me, and be my love,
13263 And we will some new pleasures prove
13264 Of golden sands, and crystal brooks,
13265 With silken lines, and silver hooks.
13268 Come live with me and be my love,
13269 And we will some new pleasures prove
13270 Of golden sands and crystal brooks
13271 With silken lines, and silver hooks.
13272 There's nothing that I wouldn't do
13273 If you would be my POSSLQ.
13275 You live with me, and I with you,
13276 And you will be my POSSLQ.
13277 I'll be your friend and so much more;
13278 That's what a POSSLQ is for.
13280 And everything we will confess;
13281 Yes, even to the IRS.
13282 Some day on what we both may earn,
13283 Perhaps we'll file a joint return.
13284 You'll share my pad, my taxes, joint;
13285 You'll share my life - up to a point!
13286 And that you'll be so glad to do,
13287 Because you'll be my POSSLQ.
13289 Come, muse, let us sing of rats!
13290 -- From a poem by James Grainger, 1721-1767
13292 Come quickly, I am tasting stars!
13293 -- Dom Perignon, upon discovering champagne.
13296 That tend on mortal thoughts, unsex me here,
13297 And fill me, from the crown to the toe, top-full
13298 Of direst cruelty! make thick my blood,
13299 Stop up the access and passage to remorse
13300 That no compunctious visiting of nature
13301 Shake my fell purpose, not keep peace between
13302 The effect and it! Come to my woman's breasts,
13303 And take my milk for gall, you murdering ministers,
13304 Wherever in your sightless substances
13305 You wait on nature's mischief! Come, thick night,
13306 And pall the in the dunnest smoke of hell,
13307 That my keen knife see not the wound it makes,
13308 Nor heaven peep through the blanket of the dark,
13309 To cry `Hold, hold!'
13312 Comedy, like Medicine, was never meant to be practiced by the general public.
13314 Coming to Stores Near You:
13316 101 Grammatically Correct Popular Tunes Featuring:
13318 (You Aren't Anything but a) Hound Dog
13319 It Doesn't Mean a Thing If It Hasn't Got That Swing
13320 I'm Not Misbehaving
13322 And A Whole Lot More...
13324 Coming together is a beginning;
13325 keeping together is progress;
13326 working together is success.
13328 Commit the oldest sins the newest kind of ways.
13329 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV"
13332 Committment can be illustrated by a breakfast of ham and eggs.
13333 The chicken was involved, the pig was committed.
13335 Common sense is instinct, and enough of it is genius.
13338 Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.
13341 Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.
13344 Common sense is the most evenly distributed quantity in the world.
13345 Everyone thinks he has enough.
13348 Commoner's three laws of ecology:
13349 1) No action is without side-effects.
13350 2) Nothing ever goes away.
13351 3) There is no free lunch.
13353 Communicate! It can't make things any worse.
13355 Comparing software engineering to classical engineering assumes that software
13356 has the ability to wear out. Software typically behaves, or it does not. It
13357 either works, or it does not. Software generally does not degrade, abrade,
13358 stretch, twist, or ablate. To treat it as a physical entity, therefore, is
13359 misapplication of our engineering skills. Classical engineering deals with
13360 the characteristics of hardware; software engineering should deal with the
13361 characteristics of *software*, and not with hardware or management.
13364 COMPASS [for the CDC-6000 series] is the sort of assembler
13365 one expects from a corporation whose president codes in octal.
13368 Competence, like truth, beauty, and contact lenses,
13369 is in the eye of the beholder.
13370 -- Dr. Laurence J. Peter
13372 Competitive fury is not always anger. It is the true missionary's
13373 courage and zeal in facing the possibility that one's best may not
13378 One with real problems and imaginary profits.
13381 When you say something to another which everyone knows isn't true.
13384 The uncomfortable period of emotional and hormonal changes a
13385 computer experiences when the operating system is upgraded and
13386 a sun4 is put online sharing files.
13389 An electronic entity which performs sequences of useful steps in a
13390 totally understandable, rigorously logical manner. If you believe
13391 this, see me about a bridge I have for sale in Manhattan.
13393 Computer programmers do it byte by byte.
13395 Computer programmers never die, they just get lost in the processing.
13397 Computer programs expand so as to fill the core available.
13400 1) A study akin to numerology and astrology, but lacking the
13401 precision of the former and the success of the latter.
13402 2) The protracted value analysis of algorithms.
13403 3) The costly enumeration of the obvious.
13404 4) The boring art of coping with a large number of trivialities.
13405 5) Tautology harnessed in the service of Man at the speed of light.
13406 6) The Post-Turing decline in formal systems theory.
13408 Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about
13410 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
13412 Computer Science is the only discipline in which we view
13413 adding a new wing to a building as being maintenance
13416 Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
13418 Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable.
13419 Any system which depends on human reliability is unreliable.
13422 Computers are useless. They can only give you answers.
13425 Computers don't actually think.
13426 You just think they think.
13429 Conceit causes more conversation than wit.
13430 -- LaRouchefoucauld
13433 Any "idea" for which an outside
13434 consultant billed you more than $25,000.
13436 Conceptual integrity in turn dictates that the design must proceed
13437 from one mind, or from a very small number of agreeing resonant minds.
13438 -- Frederick Brooks Jr., "The Mythical Man Month"
13440 Condense soup, not books!
13443 A special meeting in which the boss gathers subordinates to hear
13444 what they have to say, so long as it doesn't conflict with what
13445 he's already decided to do.
13447 Confess your sins to the Lord and you will be forgiven;
13448 confess them to man and you will be laughed at.
13451 Confession is good for the soul, but bad for the career.
13453 Confession is good for the soul only in the sense
13454 that a tweed coat is good for dandruff.
13457 Confessions may be good for the soul, but they are bad for
13459 -- Lord Thomas Dewar
13461 Confidant, confidante, n:
13462 One entrusted by A with the secrets of B, confided to himself by C.
13465 Confidence is simply that quiet, assured feeling you have before you
13466 fall flag on your face.
13469 Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.
13471 CONFIRMED BACHELOR:
13472 A man who goes through life without a hitch.
13474 Conflicting research paradigms
13475 Have legitimized various crimes.
13476 The worst we can see
13478 Measuring reaction times.
13480 Conformity is the refuge of the unimaginative.
13482 Confucius say too damn much!
13484 Confucius say too much.
13485 -- Recent Chinese Proverb
13487 Confusion will be my epitaph
13488 as I walk a cracked and broken path
13489 If we make it we can all sit back and laugh
13490 but I fear that tomorrow we'll be crying.
13491 -- King Crimson, "In the Court of the Crimson King"
13493 Congratulations! You are the one-millionth user to log into our system.
13494 If there's anything special we can do for you, anything at all, don't
13497 Congratulations! You have purchased an extremely fine device that would
13498 give you thousands of years of trouble-free service, except that you
13499 undoubtably will destroy it via some typical bonehead consumer maneuver.
13500 Which is why we ask you to PLEASE FOR GOD'S SAKE READ THIS OWNER'S MANUAL
13501 CAREFULLY BEFORE YOU UNPACK THE DEVICE. YOU ALREADY UNPACKED IT, DIDN'T
13502 YOU? YOU UNPACKED IT AND PLUGGED IT IN AND TURNED IT ON AND FIDDLED WITH
13503 THE KNOBS, AND NOW YOUR CHILD, THE SAME CHILD WHO ONCE SHOVED A POLISH
13504 SAUSAGE INTO YOUR VIDEOCASSETTE RECORDER AND SET IT ON "FAST FORWARD", THIS
13505 CHILD ALSO IS FIDDLING WITH THE KNOBS, RIGHT? AND YOU'RE JUST NOW STARTING
13506 TO READ THE INSTRUCTIONS, RIGHT??? WE MIGHT AS WELL JUST BREAK THESE DEVICES
13507 RIGHT AT THE FACTORY BEFORE WE SHIP THEM OUT, YOU KNOW THAT?
13510 Congratulations are in order for Tom Reid.
13512 He says he just found out he is the winner of the 2021 Psychic of the
13515 Conjecture: All odd numbers are prime.
13517 Mathematician's Proof:
13518 3 is prime. 5 is prime. 7 is prime. By induction, all
13519 odd numbers are prime.
13521 3 is prime. 5 is prime. 7 is prime. 9 is experimental
13522 error. 11 is prime. 13 is prime ...
13524 3 is prime. 5 is prime. 7 is prime. 9 is prime.
13525 11 is prime. 13 is prime ...
13526 Computer Scientists's Proof:
13527 3 is prime. 3 is prime. 3 is prime. 3 is prime...
13529 Conquering Russia should be done steppe by steppe.
13531 Conscience doth make cowards of us all.
13534 Conscience is defined as the thing that hurts
13535 when everything else feels great.
13537 Conscience is the inner voice that warns us somebody may be looking.
13538 -- H.L. Mencken, "A Mencken Chrestomathy"
13540 Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.
13543 A document in which a hapless company consents never to commit
13544 in the future whatever heinous violations of Federal law it
13545 never admitted to in the first place.
13548 One who admires radicals centuries after they're dead.
13552 A statesman who is enamored of existing evils, as distinguished
13553 from the Liberal who wishes to replace them with others.
13556 "Consider a spherical bear, in simple harmonic motion..."
13557 -- Professor in the UCB physics department
13559 Consider the following axioms carefully:
13560 "Everything's better when it sits on a Ritz."
13562 "Everything's better with Blue Bonnet on it."
13563 What happens if one spreads Blue Bonnet margarine on a Ritz cracker? The
13564 thought is frightening. Is this how God came into being? Try not to
13565 consider the fact that "Things go better with Coke".
13567 Consider the little mouse, how sagacious an animal
13568 it is which never entrusts its life to one hole only.
13569 -- Titus Maccius Plautus
13571 Consider the postage stamp: its usefulness consists in
13572 the ability to stick to one thing till it gets there.
13576 (1) Someone you pay to take the watch off your wrist and tell
13577 you what time it is. (2) (For resume use) The working title
13578 of anyone who doesn't currently hold a job. Motto: Have
13579 Calculator, Will Travel.
13582 An ordinary man a long way from home.
13585 [From con "to defraud, dupe, swindle," or, possibly, French con
13586 (vulgar) "a person of little merit" + sult elliptical form of
13587 "insult."] A tipster disguised as an oracle, especially one who
13588 has learned to decamp at high speed in spite of a large briefcase
13592 Someone who'd rather climb a tree and tell a
13593 lie than stand on the ground and tell the truth.
13595 Consultants are mystical people who ask a
13596 company for a number and then give it back to them.
13599 Medical term meaning "to share the wealth."
13601 Contemporary American feminism's simplistic psychology is illustrated by
13602 the new cliche of the date-rape furor: "`No' always means `no'." Will
13603 we ever graduate from the Girl Scouts? "No" has always been, and always
13604 will be, part of the dangerous alluring courtship ritual of sex and
13605 seduction, observable even in the animal kingdom.
13606 -- Camille Paglia, NY Times, Dec. 14 1990, Op Ed.
13608 "Contrariwise," continued Tweedledee, "if it was so, it might be, and
13609 if it were so, it would be; but as it isn't, it ain't. That's logic!"
13612 Convention is the ruler of all.
13616 A vocal competition in which the one who
13617 is catching his breath is called the listener.
13619 Conversation enriches the understanding,
13620 but solitude is the school of genius.
13623 In any organization there will always be one person who knows
13626 This person must be fired.
13628 Cops never say good-bye. They're always hoping to see you again in the
13630 -- Raymond Chandler
13633 A device that shreds paper, flashes mysteriously coded messages,
13634 and makes duplicates for everyone in the office who isn't
13635 interested in reading them.
13638 The ceremony of investing a sovereign with the outward and visible
13639 signs of his divine right to be blown skyhigh with a dynamite bomb.
13642 Correction does much, but encouragement does more.
13645 Correspondence Corollary:
13646 An experiment may be considered a success if no more than half
13647 your data must be discarded to obtain correspondence with your theory.
13650 In politics, holding an office of trust or profit.
13652 Corrupt, stupid grasping functionaries will make at least as big a muddle
13653 of socialism as stupid, selfish and acquisitive employers can make of
13657 Corruption is not the No. 1 priority of the Police Commissioner.
13658 His job is to enforce the law and fight crime.
13659 -- P.B.A. President E.J. Kiernan
13662 Paper is always strongest at the perforations.
13664 Couldn't we jury-rig the cat to act as an audio switch, and have it yell
13665 at people to save their core images before logging them out? I'm sure
13666 the cattle prod would be effective in this regard. In any case, a traverse
13667 mounted iguana, while more perverted, gives better traction, not to mention
13668 being easier to stake.
13670 Counting in binary is just like counting
13671 in decimal -- if you are all thumbs.
13674 Counting in octal is just like counting
13675 in decimal -- if you don't use your thumbs.
13678 Courage is fear that has said its prayers.
13680 Courage is grace under pressure.
13682 Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear -- not absence of fear.
13685 Courage is your greatest present need.
13688 A place where they dispense with justice.
13691 Courtship to marriage, as a very witty prologue to a very dull play.
13692 -- William Congreve
13695 One who in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs.
13697 [Crash programs] fail because they are based on the theory that,
13698 with nine women pregnant, you can get a baby a month.
13699 -- Wernher von Braun
13701 Crazee Edeee, his prices are INSANE!!!
13703 Creating computer software is always a demanding and painstaking
13704 process -- an exercise in logic, clear expression, and almost fanatical
13705 attention to detail. It requires intelligence, dedication, and an
13706 enormous amount of hard work. But, a certain amount of unpredictable
13707 and often unrepeatable inspiration is what usually makes the difference
13708 between adequacy and excellence.
13710 Creativity in living is not without its attendant difficulties, for
13711 peculiarity breeds contempt. And the unfortunate thing about being
13712 ahead of your time when people finally realize you were right, they'll
13713 say it was obvious all along.
13714 -- Alan Ashley-Pitt
13716 Creativity is no substitute for knowing what you are doing.
13718 Creativity is not always bred in an environment of tranquility;
13719 sometimes you have to squeeze a little to get the paste out of the tube.
13721 Credit ... is the only enduring testimonial to man's confidence in man.
13725 A man who has a better memory than a debtor.
13727 Crenna's Law of Political Accountability:
13728 If you are the first to know about something bad,
13729 you are going to be held responsible for acting on it,
13730 regardless of your formal duties.
13732 Crime does not pay... as well as politics.
13736 A person who boasts himself hard to please
13737 because nobody tries to please him.
13740 A person who boasts himself hard to please because nobody tries
13742 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
13744 Criticism comes easier than craftsmanship.
13747 Critics are like eunuchs in a harem: they know how it's done, they've
13748 seen it done every day, but they're unable to do it themselves.
13751 Crito, I owe a cock to Asclepius; will you remember to pay the debt?
13752 -- Socrates' last words
13755 If tin whistles are made of tin, what are foghorns made of?
13758 The amount of work done varies inversely
13759 with the time spent in the office.
13761 Crucifixes are sexy because there's a naked man on them.
13764 Cruickshank's Law of Committees:
13765 If a committee is allowed to discuss a bad idea long enough, it
13766 will inevitably decide to implement the idea simply because so
13767 much work has already been done on it.
13769 Crusade for Cthulhu! It Found ME!
13771 Crush! Kill! Destroy!
13775 Cthulhu for President!
13776 (If you're tired of choosing the lesser of two evils.)
13778 Cthulhu Saves -- in case He's hungry later.
13780 Culture is the habit of being pleased with the best and knowing why.
13782 Cure the disease and kill the patient.
13786 One whose program will not run.
13789 curtation n. The enforced compression of a string in the fixed-length field
13791 The problem of fitting extremely variable-length strings such as names,
13792 addresses, and item descriptions into fixed-length records is no trivial
13793 matter. Neglect of the subtle art of curtation has probably alienated more
13794 people than any other aspect of data processing. You order Mozart's "Don
13795 Giovanni" from your record club, and they invoice you $24.95 for MOZ DONG.
13796 The witless mapping of the sublime onto the ridiculous! Equally puzzling is
13797 the curtation that produces the same eight characters, THE BEST, whether you
13798 order "The Best of Wagner", "The Best of Schubert", or "The Best of the Turds".
13799 Similarly, wine lovers buying from computerized wineries twirl their glasses,
13800 check their delivery notes, and inform their friends, "A rather innocent,
13801 possibly overtruncated CAB SAUV 69 TAL." The squeezing of fruit into 10
13802 columns has yielded such memorable obscenities as COX OR PIP. The examples
13803 cited are real, and the curtational methodology which produced them is still
13807 Curtation of Don Giovanni by Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart and Lorenzo da
13808 Ponte, as performed by the computerized billing ensemble of the Internat'l
13809 Preview Society, Great Neck (sic), N.Y.
13810 -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
13812 Custer committed Siouxicide.
13814 Cut a man's hand when you fight him. He'll freeze, fascinated by the sight
13815 of his own blood. That's when you stick him in the throat.
13818 If you look rather casual with the knife when you flick it open, people
13822 Cutler Webster's Law:
13823 There are two sides to every argument, unless a person
13824 is personally involved, in which case there is only one.
13826 Cutting the space budget really restores my faith in humanity. It
13827 eliminates dreams, goals, and ideals and lets us get straight to the
13828 business of hate, debauchery, and self-annihilation."
13835 One who looks through rose-colored glasses with a jaundiced eye.
13838 A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are,
13839 not as they ought to be. Hence the custom among the
13840 Scythians of plucking out a cynic's eyes to improve his vision.
13843 Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why
13844 several of us died of tuberculosis.
13848 The city that chose Astroturf to
13849 keep the cheerleaders from grazing.
13851 Dallas still lives. God MUST be dead.
13853 Dammit Jim, I'm an actor not a doctor.
13855 "Dammit, man, that's unprofessional! A good bartender laughs anyway!"
13858 -- William Blake, "Proverbs of Hell"
13860 Damn, I need a Coke!
13861 -- Dr. William DeVries
13862 [after implanting the first artificial human heart]
13864 DAMN IT, I GOTTA GET OUTTA HERE!
13866 Dark and lonely on a summer night
13869 The watchdog barkin'
13873 Slip in his window.
13875 Then his house I start to wreck
13880 C-I-L-L my landlord!
13881 -- "Images" by Tyrone Green, SNL
13883 Darling: the popular form of address used in speaking to a member of the
13884 opposite sex whose name you cannot at the moment remember.
13887 Darth Vader! Only you would be so bold!
13888 -- Princess Leia Organa
13890 Darth Vader sleeps with a Teddywookie.
13893 An accrual of straws on the backs of theories.
13896 Computerspeak for "information". Properly pronounced
13897 the way Bostonians pronounce the word for a female child.
13899 David Letterman's "Things we can be proud of as Americans":
13901 * Greatest number of citizens who have actually boarded a UFO
13902 * Many newspapers feature "JUMBLE"
13903 * Hourly motel rates
13904 * Vast majority of Elvis movies made here
13905 * Didn't just give up right away during World War II
13906 like some countries we could mention
13907 * Goatees & Van Dykes thought to be worn only by weenies
13908 * Our well-behaved golf professionals
13909 * Fabulous babes coast to coast
13911 Davis' Law of Traffic Density:
13912 The density of rush-hour traffic is directly proportional to
13913 1.5 times the amount of extra time you allow to arrive on time.
13916 Problems that go away by themselves, come back by themselves.
13919 The time when men of reason go to bed.
13921 Day of inquiry. You will be subpoenaed.
13924 Anyone in your company who is more senior than you are.
13926 Dealing with failure is easy:
13927 Work hard to improve.
13928 Success is also easy to handle:
13929 You've solved the wrong problem. Work hard to improve.
13931 Dealing with failure is easy: work hard to improve.
13932 Success is also easy to handle: you've solved the wrong problem. Work
13935 Dealing with the problem of pure staff accumulation,
13936 all our researches ... point to an average increase of 5.75% per year.
13940 How can I choose what groups to post in?
13944 Pick as many as you can, so that you get the widest audience. After
13945 all, the net exists to give you an audience. Ignore those who suggest you
13946 should only use groups where you think the article is highly appropriate.
13947 Pick all groups where anybody might even be slightly interested.
13948 Always make sure followups go to all the groups. In the rare event
13949 that you post a followup which contains something original, make sure you
13950 expand the list of groups. Never include a "Followup-to:" line in the
13951 header, since some people might miss part of the valuable discussion in
13953 -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette
13956 I collected replies to an article I wrote, and now it's time to
13957 summarize. What should I do?
13961 Simply concatenate all the articles together into a big file and post
13962 that. On USENET, this is known as a summary. It lets people read all the
13963 replies without annoying newsreaders getting in the way. Do the same when
13964 summarizing a vote.
13965 -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette
13968 I recently read an article that said, "reply by mail, I'll summarize."
13973 Post your response to the whole net. That request applies only to
13974 dumb people who don't have something interesting to say. Your postings are
13975 much more worthwhile than other people's, so it would be a waste to reply by
13977 -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette
13980 I saw a long article that I wish to rebut carefully, what should
13985 Include the entire text with your article, and include your comments
13986 between the lines. Be sure to post, and not mail, even though your article
13987 looks like a reply to the original. Everybody *loves* to read those long
13988 point-by-point debates, especially when they evolve into name-calling and
13989 lots of "Is too!" -- "Is not!" -- "Is too, twizot!" exchanges.
13990 -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette
13993 I'm having a serious disagreement with somebody on the net. I
13994 tried complaints to his sysadmin, organizing mail campaigns, called for
13995 his removal from the net and phoning his employer to get him fired.
13996 Everybody laughed at me. What can I do?
13997 -- A Concerned Citizen
14000 Go to the daily papers. Most modern reporters are top-notch computer
14001 experts who will understand the net, and your problems, perfectly. They
14002 will print careful, reasoned stories without any errors at all, and surely
14003 represent the situation properly to the public. The public will also all
14004 act wisely, as they are also fully cognizant of the subtle nature of net
14006 Papers never sensationalize or distort, so be sure to point out things
14007 like racism and sexism wherever they might exist. Be sure as well that they
14008 understand that all things on the net, particularly insults, are meant
14009 literally. Link what transpires on the net to the causes of the Holocaust, if
14010 possible. If regular papers won't take the story, go to a tabloid paper --
14011 they are always interested in good stories.
14014 I'm still confused as to what groups articles should be posted
14015 to. How about an example?
14019 Ok. Let's say you want to report that Gretzky has been traded from
14020 the Oilers to the Kings. Now right away you might think rec.sport.hockey
14021 would be enough. WRONG. Many more people might be interested. This is a
14022 big trade! Since it's a NEWS article, it belongs in the news.* hierarchy
14023 as well. If you are a news admin, or there is one on your machine, try
14024 news.admin. If not, use news.misc.
14025 The Oilers are probably interested in geology, so try sci.physics.
14026 He is a big star, so post to sci.astro, and sci.space because they are also
14027 interested in stars. Next, his name is Polish sounding. So post to
14028 soc.culture.polish. But that group doesn't exist, so cross-post to
14029 news.groups suggesting it should be created. With this many groups of
14030 interest, your article will be quite bizarre, so post to talk.bizarre as
14031 well. (And post to comp.std.mumps, since they hardly get any articles
14032 there, and a "comp" group will propagate your article further.)
14033 You may also find it is more fun to post the article once in each
14034 group. If you list all the newsgroups in the same article, some newsreaders
14035 will only show the the article to the reader once! Don't tolerate this.
14036 -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette
14039 Today I posted an article and forgot to include my signature.
14044 Rush to your terminal right away and post an article that says,
14045 "Oops, I forgot to post my signature with that last article. Here
14047 Since most people will have forgotten your earlier article,
14048 (particularly since it dared to be so boring as to not have a nice, juicy
14049 signature) this will remind them of it. Besides, people care much more
14050 about the signature anyway.
14051 -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette
14053 Dear Emily, what about test messages?
14057 It is important, when testing, to test the entire net. Never test
14058 merely a subnet distribution when the whole net can be done. Also put "please
14059 ignore" on your test messages, since we all know that everybody always skips
14060 a message with a line like that. Don't use a subject like "My sex is female
14061 but I demand to be addressed as male." because such articles are read in depth
14063 -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette
14066 You don't know who I am and frankly shouldn't care, but
14067 unknown to you we have something in common. We are both rather
14068 prone to mistakes. I was elected Student Government President by
14069 mistake, and you came to school here by mistake.
14072 I just want a one-armed manager so I
14073 never have to hear "On the other hand", again.
14075 Dear Lord: Please make my words sweet and tender, for tomorrow I may
14079 My home economics teacher says that one must never place one's
14080 elbows on the table. However, I have read that one elbow, in between
14081 courses, is all right. Which is correct?
14084 For the purpose of answering examinations in your home
14085 economics class, your teacher is correct. Catching on to this principle
14086 of education may be of even greater importance to you now than learning
14087 correct current table manners, vital as Miss Manners believes that is.
14090 I carry a big black umbrella, even if there's just a thirty percent chance of
14091 rain. May I ask a young lady who is a stranger to me to share its protection?
14092 This morning, I was waiting for a bus in comparative comfort, my umbrella
14093 protecting me from the downpour, and noticed an attractive young woman getting
14094 soaked. I have often seen her at my bus stop, although we have never spoken,
14095 and I don't even know her name. Could I have asked her to get under my
14096 umbrella without seeming insulting?
14099 Certainly. Consideration for those less fortunate than you is always proper,
14100 although it would be more convincing if you stopped babbling about how
14101 attractive she is. In order not to give Good Samaritanism a bad name, Miss
14102 Manners asks you to allow her two or three rainy days of unmolested protection
14103 before making your attack.
14105 Dear Mister Language Person: I am curious about the expression, "Part of
14106 this complete breakfast". The way it comes up is, my 5-year-old will be
14107 watching TV cartoon shows in the morning, and they'll show a commercial for
14108 a children's compressed breakfast compound such as "Froot Loops" or "Lucky
14109 Charms", and they always show it sitting on a table next to some actual food
14110 such as eggs, and the announcer always says: "Part of this complete
14111 breakfast". Doesn't that really mean, "Adjacent to this complete breakfast",
14112 or "On the same table as this complete breakfast"? And couldn't they make
14113 essentially the same claim if, instead of Froot Loops, they put a can of
14114 shaving cream there, or a dead bat?
14119 Dear Mister Language Person: What is the purpose of the apostrophe?
14121 Answer: The apostrophe is used mainly in hand-lettered small business signs
14122 to alert the reader than an "S" is coming up at the end of a word, as in:
14123 WE DO NOT EXCEPT PERSONAL CHECK'S, or: NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR ANY ITEM'S.
14124 Another important grammar concept to bear in mind when creating hand- lettered
14125 small-business signs is that you should put quotation marks around random
14126 words for decoration, as in "TRY" OUR HOT DOG'S, or even TRY "OUR" HOT DOG'S.
14127 -- Dave Barry, "Tips for Writer's"
14130 I couldn't get mail through to somebody on another site. What
14135 No problem, just post your message to a group that a lot of people
14136 read. Say, "This is for John Smith. I couldn't get mail through so I'm
14137 posting it. All others please ignore."
14138 This way tens of thousands of people will spend a few seconds scanning
14139 over and ignoring your article, using up over 16 man-hours their collective
14140 time, but you will be saved the terrible trouble of checking through usenet
14141 maps or looking for alternate routes. Just think, if you couldn't distribute
14142 your message to 9000 other computers, you might actually have to (gasp) call
14143 directory assistance for 60 cents, or even phone the person. This can cost
14144 as much as a few DOLLARS (!) for a 5 minute call!
14145 And certainly it's better to spend 10 to 20 dollars of other people's
14146 money distributing the message than for you to have to waste $9 on an overnight
14147 letter, or even 25 cents on a stamp!
14148 Don't forget. The world will end if your message doesn't get through,
14149 so post it as many places as you can.
14150 -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette
14153 I am firmly opposed to the spread of microchips either to the home or
14154 to the office, We have more than enough of them foisted upon us in public
14155 places. They are a disgusting Americanism, and can only result in the farmers
14156 being forced to grow smaller potatoes, which in turn will cause massive un-
14157 employment in the already severely depressed agricultural industry.
14159 Capt. Quinton D'Arcy, J.P.
14161 -- Letters To The Editor, The Times of London
14164 To stop sinning suddenly.
14167 Death before dishonor.
14168 But neither before breakfast.
14170 Death comes on every passing breeze,
14171 He lurks in every flower;
14172 Each season has its own disease,
14173 Its peril -- every hour.
14176 Death has been proven to be 99% fatal in laboratory rats.
14178 Death is a spirit leaving a body, sort
14179 of like a shell leaving the nut behind.
14182 Death is God's way of telling you not to be such a wise guy.
14184 Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired.
14187 Death is Nature's way of recycling human beings.
14189 Death is nature's way of saying `Howdy'.
14191 Death is nature's way of telling you to slow down.
14193 Death rays don't kill people, people kill people!!
14196 The only wish that always comes true, whether or not one wishes it to.
14198 Debug is human, de-fix divine.
14200 DEC diagnostics would run on a dead whale.
14203 Decemba, n: The 12th month of the year.
14204 erra, n: A mistake.
14205 faa, n: To, from, or at considerable distance.
14206 Linder, n: A female name.
14207 memba, n: To recall to the mind; think of again.
14208 New Hampsha, n: A state in the northeast United States.
14209 New Yaak, n: Another state in the northeast United States.
14210 Novemba, n: The 11th month of the year.
14211 Octoba, n: The 10th month of the year.
14212 ova, n: Location above or across a specified position. What the
14213 season is when the Knicks quit playing.
14214 -- Massachewsetts Unabridged Dictionary
14217 The person in your office who was unable
14218 to form a task force before the music stopped.
14220 Decisions of the judges will be final unless shouted down by a really over-
14221 whelming majority of the crowd present. Abusive and obscene language may
14222 not be used by contestants when addressing members of the judging panel,
14223 or, conversely, by members of the judging panel when addressing contestants
14224 (unless struck by a boomerang).
14225 -- Mudgeeraba Creek Emu-Riding and Boomerang-Throwing Assoc.
14227 Declared guilty... of displaying feelings of an almost human nature.
14228 -- Pink Floyd, "The Wall"
14230 Decorate your home. It gives the illusion
14231 that your life is more interesting than it really is.
14234 "Deep" is a word like "theory" or "semantic" -- it implies all sorts of
14235 marvelous things. It's one thing to be able to say "I've got a theory",
14236 quite another to say "I've got a semantic theory", but, ah, those who can
14237 claim "I've got a deep semantic theory", they are truly blessed.
14241 The hardware's, of course.
14243 Defeat is worse than death because you have to live with defeat.
14246 #define BITCOUNT(x) (((BX_(x)+(BX_(x)>>4)) & 0x0F0F0F0F) % 255)
14247 #define BX_(x) ((x) - (((x)>>1)&0x77777777) \
14248 - (((x)>>2)&0x33333333) \
14249 - (((x)>>3)&0x11111111))
14251 -- Count the number of bits in a word.
14253 Deflector shields just came on, Captain.
14256 (cond ((null c) () )
14258 (append (list (eval (list 'getchar (list (car c) 'a) (cadr c))))
14260 (t (append (list (implode (nf a (car c)))) (nf a (cdr c))))))
14262 (defun AD (want-job challenging boston-area)
14264 ((or (not (equal want-job 'yes))
14265 (not (equal boston-area 'yes))
14266 (lessp challenging 7)) () )
14267 (t (append (nf (get 'ad 'expr)
14268 '((caaddr 1 caadr 2 car 1 car 1)
14269 (car 5 cadadr 9 cadadr 8 cadadr 9 caadr 4 car 2 car 1)
14271 (list '851-5071x2661)))))
14272 ;;; We are an affirmative action employer.
14275 French., already seen; unoriginal; trite.
14276 Psychol., The illusion of having previously experienced
14277 something actually being encountered for the first time.
14278 Psychol., The illusion of having previously experienced
14279 something actually being encountered for the first time.
14281 Delay is preferable to error.
14282 -- Thomas Jefferson
14284 Delay not, Caesar. Read it instantly.
14285 -- Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar" 3,1
14287 Here is a letter, read it at your leisure.
14288 -- Shakespeare, "Merchant of Venice" 5,1
14290 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
14291 referring to I/O system services.]
14293 Deliberate provocation of mystical experience, particularly by LSD and
14294 related hallucinogens, in contrast to spontaneous visionary experiences,
14295 entails dangers that must not be underestimated. Practitioners must take
14296 into account the peculiar effects of these substances, namely their ability
14297 to influence our consciousness, the innermost essence of our being. The
14298 history of LSD to date amply demonstrates the catastrophic consequences that
14299 can ensue when its profound effect is misjudged and the substance is mistaken
14300 for a pleasure drug. Special internal and external advance preparations
14301 are required; with them, an LSD experiment can become a meaningful experience.
14302 -- Dr. Albert Hoffman, the discoverer of LSD
14304 I believe that if people would learn to use LSD's vision-inducing capability
14305 more wisely, under suitable conditions, in medical practice and in conjunction
14306 with meditation, then in the future this problem child could become a wonder
14308 -- Dr. Albert Hoffman
14311 The act of examining one's bread
14312 to determine which side it is buttered on.
14314 Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow.
14316 Delores breezed along the surface of her life like a flat stone forever
14317 skipping along smooth water, rippling reality sporadically but oblivious
14318 to it consistently, until she finally lost momentum, sank, and due to an
14319 overdose of flouride as a child which caused her to suffer from chronic
14320 apathy, doomed herself to lie forever on the floor of her life as useless
14321 as an appendix and as lonely as a five-hundred pound barbell in a
14322 steroid-free fitness center.
14323 -- Winning sentence, 1990 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest.
14325 Delusions are often functional. A mother's opinions about
14326 her children's beauty, intelligence, goodness, et cetera ad
14327 nauseam, keep her from drowning them at birth.
14329 Democracy becomes a government of bullies, tempered by editors.
14330 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
14332 Democracy can only be measured on the existence of an opposition.
14333 -- Poul Henningsen [1894-1967]
14335 Democracy is a form of government in which it is permitted to wonder
14336 aloud what the country could do under first-class management.
14339 Democracy is a process by which the people are free to choose the man who
14340 will get the blame.
14341 -- Laurence J. Peter
14343 Democracy is also a form of worship.
14344 It is the worship of Jackals by Jackasses.
14347 Democracy is the name we give the people whenever we need them.
14348 -- Arman de Caillavet, 1913
14350 Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half
14351 of the people are right more than half of the time.
14354 Democracy is the theory that the common people know what they want, and
14355 deserve to get it good and hard.
14356 -- H.L. Mencken, "Little Book in C major", 1916
14358 Democracy is the worst form of government except all those other
14359 forms that have been tried from time to time.
14360 -- Winston Churchill
14363 A government of the masses. Authority derived through mass meeting
14364 or any other form of direct expression. Results in mobocracy. Attitude
14365 toward property is communistic... negating property rights. Attitude toward
14366 law is that the will of the majority shall regulate, whether it is based
14367 upon deliberation or governed by passion, prejudice, and impulse, without
14368 restraint or regard to consequences. Result is demagogism, license,
14369 agitation, discontent, anarchy.
14370 -- U. S. Army Training Manual No. 2000-25 (1928-1932),
14374 In which you say what you like and do what you're told.
14377 The difference between a Democracy and a Dictatorship is that in a
14378 Democracy you vote first and take orders later; in a Dictatorship
14379 you don't have to waste your time voting.
14380 -- Charles Bukowski
14382 Democrats buy most of the books that have been banned somewhere.
14383 Republicans form censorship committees and read them as a group.
14385 Republicans consume three-fourths of the rutabaga produced in the USA.
14386 The remainder is thrown out.
14388 Republicans usually wear hats and almost always clean their paint brushes.
14390 Republicans study the financial pages of the newspaper.
14391 Democrats put them in the bottom of the bird cage.
14393 Most of the stuff alongside the road has been thrown out of car
14394 windows by Democrats.
14395 -- Paul Dickson, "The Official Rules"
14397 Dental health is next to mental health.
14400 A Prestidigitator who, putting metal in one's mouth,
14401 pulls coins out of one's pockets.
14405 A smallish city located just below the `O' in Colorado.
14407 Depart in pieces, i.e., split.
14409 Depart not from the path which fate has assigned you.
14411 Department chairmen never die, they just lose their faculties.
14413 Depend on the rabbit's foot if you will,
14414 but remember, it didn't help the rabbit.
14417 Deprive a mirror of its silver and even the Czar won't see his face.
14419 Der Horizont vieler Menschen ist ein Kreis mit Radius Null -
14420 und das nennen sie ihren Standpunkt.
14423 What you regret not doing later on.
14426 What you regret not doing later on.
14428 Desist from enumerating your fowl
14429 prior to their emergence from the shell.
14431 Despite all appearances, your boss
14432 is a thinking, feeling, human being.
14434 Dessert is probably the most important stage of the meal, since it will
14435 be the last thing your guests remember before they pass out all over
14437 -- The Anarchist Cookbook
14439 Destiny is a good thing to accept when it's going your way. When it isn't,
14440 don't call it destiny; call it injustice, treachery, or simple bad luck.
14441 -- Joseph Heller, "God Knows"
14443 Detroit is Cleveland without the glitter.
14446 If you hit two keys on the typewriter,
14447 the one you don't want hits the paper.
14449 Dianetics is a milestone for man comparable to his discovery of
14450 fire and superior to his invention of the wheel and the arch.
14453 Dibble's First Law of Sociology:
14454 Some do, some don't.
14456 Did it ever occur to you that fat chance
14457 and slim chance mean the same thing?
14459 Or that we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
14461 Did you ever notice that everyone in favour of birth control
14462 has already been born?
14465 Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think
14466 that's how dogs spend their lives.
14469 Did you ever wonder what you'd say to God if He sneezed?
14471 "Did YOU find a DIGITAL WATCH in YOUR box of VELVEETA?"
14472 -- Zippy the Pinhead
14474 Did you hear about the model who sat
14475 on a broken bottle and cut a nice figure?
14477 Did you hear that Captain Crunch, Sugar Bear, Tony the Tiger, and
14478 Snap, Crackle and Pop were all murdered recently...
14480 Police suspect the work of a cereal killer!
14482 Did you hear that there's a group of South American Indians that worship
14487 Did you hear that two rabbits escaped from the zoo and so far they have
14488 only recaptured 116 of them?
14491 EVERY TIME A LOAF OF BREAD IS BAKED,
14493 150,000,000 YEASTS ARE
14496 Come to the award-winning 1987 film,
14497 "The Very Small and Quiet Screams"
14498 -- a cinematic electromicrograph of yeasts being baked.
14500 A must for those who care about yeast, and especially for those who don't.
14503 Brown Anaerobe Rights Coalition (BARC)
14504 Student Bakers for Social Responsibility
14505 Coalition for the ELevation of Life (CELL)
14506 Campus Crusade for Fetal Matters
14508 Defend all life: "From greatest to least, from human to yeast!"
14510 Did you know about the -o option of the fortune program? It makes a
14511 selection from a set of offensive and/or obscene fortunes. Why not
14512 try it, and see how offended you are? The -a ("all") option will
14513 select a fortune at random from either the offensive or inoffensive
14514 set, and it is suggested that "fortune -a" is the command that you
14515 should have in your .profile or .cshrc. file.
14517 Did you know that clones never use mirrors?
14519 Did you know that for the price of a 280-Z you can buy two Z-80's?
14522 Did you know the University of Iowa
14523 closed down after someone stole the book?
14527 That no-one ever reads these things?
14529 Didja' ever have to make up your mind,
14530 Pick up on one and leave the other behind,
14531 It's not often easy, and it's not often kind,
14532 Didja' ever have to make up your mind?
14535 Didja hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper who sold his soul to Santa?
14537 "Didn't I buy a 1951 Packard from you last March in Cairo?"
14538 -- Zippy the Pinhead
14540 Die? I should say not, dear fellow. No Barrymore
14541 would allow such a conventional thing to happen to him.
14542 -- John Barrymore's dying words
14544 Diet Mountain Dew has the same pH and density of urine.
14545 -- Newsweek, 31 July, 1989
14547 Dieters live life in the fasting lane.
14549 Different all twisty a of in maze are you, passages little.
14551 Digital circuits are made from analog parts.
14554 Dignity is like a flag.
14555 It flaps in a storm.
14560 Dimensions will always be expressed in the least usable term, convertible
14561 only through the use of weird and unnatural conversion factors. Velocity,
14562 for example, will be expressed in furlongs per fortnight.
14564 Dinner is ready when the smoke alarm goes off.
14566 Dinner suggestion #302 (Hacker's De-lite):
14567 1 tin imported Brisling sardines in tomato sauce
14568 1 pouch Chocolate Malt Carnation Instant Breakfast
14571 Dinosaurs aren't extinct. They've just learned to hide in the trees.
14573 Diogenes, having abandoned his search for
14574 truth, is now searching for a good fantasy.
14576 Diogenes went to look for an honest lawyer. "How's it going?", someone
14577 asked him, after a few days.
14578 "Not too bad", replied Diogenes. "I still have my lantern."
14580 Diplomacy is about surviving until the next century.
14581 Politics is about surviving until Friday afternoon.
14582 -- Sir Humphrey Appleby
14584 Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else have your way.
14586 Diplomacy is the art of letting the other party have things your way.
14589 Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggie" until you can find a rock.
14592 Diplomacy is to do and say, the nastiest thing in the nicest way.
14598 Dirksen's Three Laws of Politics:
14602 3: Don't get mad, get even.
14603 -- Sen. Everett Dirksen
14606 As distinguished from some other bar.
14608 Disc space -- the final frontier!
14611 Use of this advanced computing technology does not imply
14612 an endorsement of Western industrial civilization.
14614 Disclose classified information only when a NEED TO KNOW exists.
14616 Disco is to music what Etch-A-Sketch is to art.
14618 Disease can be cured; fate is incurable.
14621 Dishonor will not trouble me, once I am dead.
14624 Disk crisis, please clean up!
14626 Disks travel in packs.
14628 Disraeli was pretty close: actually, there are Lies, Damn lies, Statistics,
14629 Benchmarks, and Delivery dates.
14631 Distance doesn't make you any smaller,
14632 but it does make you part of a larger picture.
14635 A disease incurred by exposure to the prosperity of a friend.
14637 Distrust all those who love you extremely upon a very slight
14638 acquaintance and without any visible reason.
14639 -- Lord Chesterfield
14641 Ditat Deus. (God enriches.)
14643 Divorce is a game played by lawyers.
14646 Do clones have navels?
14648 Do I like getting drunk? Depends on who's doing the drinking.
14651 Do Miami a favor. When you leave, take someone with you.
14653 Do molecular biologists wear designer genes?
14655 Do more than anyone expects, and pretty soon everyone will expect more.
14657 Do not believe in miracles -- rely on them.
14659 Do not clog intellect's sluices with bits of knowledge of questionable uses.
14661 Do not count your chickens before they are hatched.
14664 Do not despair of life. You have no doubt force enough to overcome
14665 your obstacles. Think of the fox prowling through wood and field in
14666 a winter night for something to satisfy his hunger. Notwithstanding
14667 cold and hounds and traps, his race survives. I do not believe any
14668 of them ever committed suicide.
14669 -- Henry David Thoreau
14671 Do not do unto others as you would they should do unto you.
14672 Their tastes may not be the same.
14673 -- George Bernard Shaw
14675 Do not drink coffee in early A.M. It will keep you awake until noon.
14677 Do not handicap your children by making their lives easy.
14680 Do not meddle in the affairs of troff, for it is subtle and quick to anger.
14682 Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards,
14683 for they become soggy and hard to light.
14685 Do not throw cigarette butts in the urinal,
14686 for they are subtle and quick to anger.
14688 Do not overtax your powers.
14690 Do not read this fortune under penalty of law.
14691 Violators will be prosecuted.
14692 (Penal Code sec. 2.3.2 (II.a.))
14694 Do not seek death; death will find you.
14695 But seek the road which makes death a fulfillment.
14696 -- Dag Hammarskjold
14698 Do not simplify the design of a program if a way
14699 can be found to make it complex and wonderful.
14701 Do not sleep in a eucalyptus tree tonight.
14703 Do not stoop to tie your laces in your neighbor's melon patch.
14705 Do not take life too seriously; you will never get out of it alive.
14707 Do not think by infection, catching an opinion like a cold.
14709 Do not try to solve all life's problems at once --
14710 learn to dread each day as it comes.
14713 Do not underestimate the power of the Farce.
14715 Do not underestimate the power of the Force.
14717 Do not use that foreign word "ideals". We have that excellent native
14719 -- Henrik Ibsen, "The Wild Duck"
14721 Do not use the blue keys on this terminal.
14723 Do not worry about which side your
14724 bread is buttered on: you eat BOTH sides.
14726 Do nothing unless you must, and when you must act -- hesitate.
14728 Do, or do not; there is no try.
14730 Do people know you have freckles everywhere?
14732 Do something unusual today. Pay a bill.
14734 Do students of Zen Buddhism do Om-work?
14736 Do unto others before they undo you.
14738 Do what comes naturally. Seethe and fume and throw a tantrum.
14740 Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the Law.
14741 -- Aleister Crowley
14743 Do what you can to prolong your life,
14744 in the hope that someday you'll learn what it's for.
14746 Do you believe in intuition?
14747 No, but I have a strange feeling that someday I will.
14749 Do you feel personally responsible for the world food shortage?
14750 Every time you go to the beach, does the tide come in?
14751 Have you ever eaten an entire moose?
14752 Can you see your neck?
14753 Do joggers take laps around you for exercise?
14754 If so, welcome to National Fat Week.
14755 This week we'll eat without guilt, and kick off our membership campaign,
14756 ...by force-feeding a box of cornstarch to a skinny person.
14759 Do you guys know what you're doing, or are you just hacking?
14761 Do YOU have redeeming social value?
14763 Do you know, I think that Dr. Swift was silly to laugh about Laputa.
14764 I believe it is a mistake to make a mock of people, just because they
14765 think. There are ninety thousand people in this world who do not
14766 think, for every one who does, and these people hate the thinkers
14767 like poison. Even if some thinkers are fanciful, it is wrong to make
14768 fun of them for it. Better to think about cucumbers even, than not
14772 Do you know Montana?
14774 Do you know the difference between education and experience? Education
14775 is when you read the fine print; experience is what you get when you don't.
14778 Do you mean that you not only want a wrong
14779 answer, but a certain wrong answer?
14782 Do you realize the responsibility I carry? I'm the only person standing
14783 between Nixon and the White House.
14784 -- John F. Kennedy, in 1960
14786 Do you suffer painful elimination?
14787 -- Don Knuth, "Structured Programming with Gotos"
14789 Do you suffer painful recrimination?
14790 -- Nancy Boxer, "Structured Programming with Come-froms"
14792 Do you suffer painful illumination?
14793 -- Isaac Newton, "Optics"
14795 Do you suffer painful hallucination?
14796 -- Don Juan, cited by Carlos Casteneda
14798 Do you think that illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
14800 Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he
14801 just whipped out a quarter?
14804 "Do you think there's a God?"
14805 "Well, SOMEbody's out to get me!"
14806 -- Calvin and Hobbs
14808 "Do you think what we're doing is wrong?"
14809 "Of course it's wrong! It's illegal!"
14810 "I've never done anything illegal before."
14811 "I thought you said you were an accountant!"
14813 Do you think your mother and I should have lived
14814 comfortably so long together if ever we had been married?
14816 Do you want to know what's ahead for you, in your happiness at home,
14817 your business success? Here's a telling test: Look in the mirror. Is
14818 your skin smooth and lovely, your hair gleaming, your make-up glamorous?
14819 Are you slender enough for your height? Do you stand erect, confident?
14820 Yes? Then you are on your way to success as a woman.
14821 -- Ladies Home Journal, 1947 advertisement
14823 Do your otters do the shimmy?
14824 Do they like to shake their tails?
14825 Do your wombats sleep in tophats?
14826 Is your garden full of snails?
14828 Do your part to help preserve life on
14829 Earth -- by trying to preserve your own.
14831 Doctors and lawyers must go to school for years and years, often with
14832 little sleep and with great sacrifice to their first wives.
14833 -- Roy G. Blount, Jr.
14836 Instructions translated from Swedish by Japanese for English
14839 Documentation is the castor oil of programming. Managers know it must
14840 be good because the programmers hate it so much.
14842 Documentation is the castor oil of programming.
14843 Managers know it must be good because the programmers hate it so much.
14845 Does a good farmer neglect a crop he has planted?
14846 Does a good teacher overlook even the most humble student?
14847 Does a good father allow a single child to starve?
14848 Does a good programmer refuse to maintain his code?
14849 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
14851 Does a one-legged duck swim in a circle?
14853 Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
14855 Dogs just don't seem to be able to tell the difference between important people
14856 and the rest of us.
14858 Doin' it in the dark, down in Rock Creek Park.
14860 Doing gets it done.
14862 Domestic happiness and faithful friends.
14865 Ameche: I didn't know you had a cousin Penelope, Bill!
14867 W.C.: Well, her face was so wrinkled it looked like seven miles of
14868 bad road. She had so many gold teeth, Don, she use to have
14869 to sleep with her head in a safe. She died in Bolivia.
14870 Don: Oh Bill, it must be hard to lose a relative.
14871 W.C.: It's almost impossible.
14872 -- W.C. Fields, "The Further Adventures of Larson E.
14873 Whipsnade and other Tarradiddles"
14875 Don't abandon hope.
14876 Your Captain Midnight decoder ring arrives tomorrow.
14878 Don't assume that every sad-eyed woman has loved and lost -- she may
14881 Don't be concerned, it will not harm you,
14882 It's only me pursuing something I'm not sure of,
14883 Across my dreams, with neptive wonder,
14884 I chase the bright elusive butterfly of love.
14886 Don't be humble, you're not that great.
14889 Don't be humble, you're not that great.
14892 Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't
14893 be replaced, you cannot be promoted.
14895 Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
14897 Don't be overly suspicious where it's not warranted.
14899 Don't believe everything you hear or anything you say.
14901 Don't buy a landslide. I don't want to have to pay for one more vote
14903 -- Joseph P. Kennedy, on JFK's election strategy.
14905 Don't compare floating point numbers solely for equality.
14907 Don't confuse things that need action
14908 with those that take care of themselves.
14910 Don't cook tonight -- starve a rat today!
14912 Don't crush that dwarf, hand me the pliers!
14913 -- Firesign Theatre
14915 Don't despair; your ideal lover is waiting for you around the corner.
14917 Don't despise your poor relations, they may become suddenly rich one day.
14920 Don't do the crime, if you can't do the time.
14921 -- Lt. Col. Ollie North
14923 Don't drink when you drive -- you might hit a bump and spill it.
14925 Don't drop acid -- take it pass/fail.
14926 -- Seen in a Ladies Room at Harvard
14928 Don't eat yellow snow.
14930 Don't ever slam a door; you might want to go back.
14932 Don't everyone thank me at once!
14935 Don't expect people to keep in step--
14936 it's hard enough just staying in line.
14938 Don't feed the bats tonight.
14940 Don't force it, get a larger hammer.
14943 Don't get even, get odd.
14945 Don't get mad, get even.
14946 -- Joseph P. Kennedy
14948 Don't get even, get jewelry.
14951 Don't get mad, get interest.
14953 Don't get stuck in a closet -- wear yourself out.
14955 Don't get suckered in by the comments -- they
14956 can be terribly misleading. Debug only code.
14959 Don't get to bragging.
14961 Don't go around saying the world owes you a living.
14962 The world owes you nothing. It was here first.
14965 Don't go surfing in South Dakota for a while.
14967 Don't go to bed with no price on your head.
14970 Don't guess - check your security regulations.
14972 Don't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep till noon.
14974 Don't have good ideas if you aren't willing to be responsible for them.
14976 Don't hit the keys so hard, it hurts.
14980 Don't interfere with the stranger's style.
14982 Don't just eat a hamburger; eat the HELL out of it.
14983 -- J.R. "Bob" Dobbs
14985 Don't kid yourself. Little is relevant, and nothing lasts forever.
14987 Don't kiss an elephant on the lips today.
14989 Don't knock President Fillmore. He kept us out of Vietnam.
14991 Don't know what time I'll be back, Mom.
14992 Probably soon after she throws me out.
14994 Don't let go of what you've got hold of,
14995 until you have hold of something else.
14996 -- First Rule of Wing Walking
14998 Don't let nobody tell you what you cannot do;
14999 don't let nobody tell you what's impossible for you;
15000 don't let nobody tell you what you got to do,
15001 or you'll never know ... what's on the other side of the rainbow...
15002 remember, if you don't follow your dreams,
15003 you'll never know what's on the other side of the rainbow...
15004 -- melba moore, "the other side of the rainbow"
15006 Don't let people drive you crazy when you know it's in walking distance.
15008 Don't let your status become too quo!
15010 Don't look back, the lemmings are gaining on you.
15012 Don't look back, the lemmings might be gaining on you.
15014 Don't look now, but the man in the moon is laughing at you.
15016 Don't look now, but there is a multi-legged creature on your shoulder.
15022 Your brains are in it.
15025 Don't make a big deal out of everything; just deal with everything.
15027 Don't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper.
15028 -- Scottish Proverb
15030 Don't mind him; politicians always sound like that.
15032 Don't plan any hasty moves.
15033 You'll be evicted soon anyway.
15035 Don't put off for tomorrow what you can do today because
15036 if you do it today, you can do it again tomorrow.
15038 Don't put too fine a point to your wit for fear it should get blunted.
15039 -- Miguel de Cervantes
15041 Don't quit now, we might just as well
15042 lock the door and throw away the key.
15044 Don't read any sky-writing for the next two weeks.
15046 Don't read everything you believe.
15048 Don't relax! It's only your tension that's holding you together.
15050 Don't remember what you can infer.
15053 Don't say "yes" until I finish talking.
15054 -- Darryl F. Zanuck
15056 Don't shoot until you're sure you both aren't on the same side.
15058 Don't shout for help at night. You might wake your neighbors.
15059 -- Stanislaw J. Lem, "Unkempt Thoughts"
15061 Don't smoke the next cigarette. Repeat.
15063 Don't speak about Time, until you have spoken to him.
15065 Don't steal... the IRS hates competition!
15067 Don't stop to stomp ants when the elephants are stampeding.
15069 Don't sweat it -- it's only ones and zeros.
15072 Don't take a nickel, just hand them your business card.
15073 -- Richard Daley, advising on the safe enjoyment of graft
15075 Don't take life seriously, you'll never get out alive.
15077 Don't talk to me about naval tradition. It's nothing but rum,
15078 sodomy and the lash.
15079 -- Winston Churchill
15081 Don't tell any big lies today. Small ones can be just as effective.
15083 Don't tell me how hard you work. Tell me how much you get done.
15086 Don't tell me that worry doesn't do any good.
15087 I know better. The things I worry about don't happen.
15088 -- Watchman Examiner
15090 Don't tell me what you dream'd last night for I've been reading Freud.
15092 Don't try to have the last word -- you might get it.
15095 Don't try to outweird me, three-eyes. I get stranger things than you free
15096 with my breakfast cereal.
15097 -- Zaphod Beeblebrox
15099 Don't vote - it only encourages them!
15101 Don't wake me up too soon...
15102 Gonna take a ride across the moon...
15105 Don't worry. Life's too long.
15106 -- Vincent Sardi, Jr.
15108 Don't worry -- the brontosaurus is slow, stupid, and placid.
15110 Don't worry about people stealing your ideas. If your ideas
15111 are any good, you'll have to ram them down people's throats.
15114 Don't worry about the world coming to an end today.
15115 It's already tomorrow in Australia.
15118 Don't Worry, Be Happy.
15121 Don't worry if you're a kleptomaniac,
15122 you can always take something for it.
15124 Don't worry over what other people are thinking about you.
15125 They're too busy worrying over what you are thinking about them.
15127 Don't worry so loud, your roommate can't think.
15129 Don't you feel more like you do now than you did when you came in?
15131 "Don't you think what we're doing is wrong?"
15132 "Of course it's wrong! It's illegal!"
15133 "Well, I've never done anything illegal before."
15134 "... I thought you said you were an accountant."
15136 Don't you wish that all the people who sincerely
15137 want to help you could agree with each other?
15139 Don't you wish you had more energy... or less ambition?
15141 Dope will get you through times of no money better that money will get
15142 you through times of no dope.
15145 Dorothy: But how can you talk without a brain?
15146 Scarecrow: Well, I don't know... but some people
15147 without brains do an awful lot of talking.
15148 -- The Wizard of Oz
15152 Double Bucky, you're the one,
15153 You make my keyboard so much fun,
15154 Double Bucky, an additional bit or two, (Vo-vo-de-o)
15155 Control and meta, side by side,
15156 Augmented ASCII, 9 bits wide!
15157 Double Bucky, a half a thousand glyphs, plus a few!
15159 Oh, I sure wish that I,
15160 Had a couple of bits more!
15161 Perhaps a set of pedals to make the number of bits four.
15163 Double Double Bucky! Double Bucky left and right
15164 OR'd together, outta sight!
15165 Double Bucky, I'd like a whole word of,
15166 Double Bucky, I'm happy I heard of,
15167 Double Bucky, I'd like a whole word of you!
15168 -- to Nicholas Wirth, who suggested that an extra bit
15169 be added to terminal codes on 36-bit machines for use
15170 by screen editors. [to the tune of "Rubber Ducky"]
15172 double-blind Experiment, n:
15173 An experiment in which the chief researcher believes he is
15174 fooling both the subject and the lab assistant. Often accompanied
15175 by a strong belief in the tooth fairy.
15177 Doubt is a not a pleasant mental state, but certainty is a ridiculous one.
15180 Doubt is not a pleasant condition, but certainty is absurd.
15183 Doubt isn't the opposite of faith; it is an element of faith.
15184 -- Paul Tillich, German theologian.
15186 Down to the Banana Republics,
15187 Down to the tropical sun.
15188 Go the expatriated Americans,
15189 Hoping to find some fun.
15190 Some of them go for the sailing,
15191 Caught by the lure of the sea.
15192 Trying to find what is ailing,
15193 Living in the land of the free.
15194 Some of them are running from lovers,
15195 Leaving no forward address.
15196 Some of them are running tons of ganja,
15197 Some are running from the IRS.
15198 Late at night you will find them,
15199 In the cheap hotels and bars.
15200 Hustling the senoritas,
15201 While they dance beneath the stars.
15202 -- Jimmy Buffet, "Banana Republics"
15204 Down with the categorical imperative!
15207 In a hierarchical organization,
15208 the higher the level, the greater the confusion.
15210 Dozens of bears are found dead in Alaska and Canada every summer, killed
15211 by blood lost to the voracious mosquito. The estimated life-expectancy
15212 of a naked man on the tundra in summer is about 15 minutes. In that
15213 time, approximately 250,000 mosquitoes would have drawn enough blood to
15215 -- Gus McLeavy, "Day-by-Day Trivia Almanac"
15217 Dr. Fritzkee's Lucky Astrology Diet
15219 The problem with the diets of today is that most women who do achieve
15220 that magic weight, seventy-six pounds, are still fat. Dr. Fritzkee's
15221 Lucky Astrology Diet is a sure-fire method of reducing with the added
15222 luxury that you never feel hungry.
15224 Here's how the diet works:
15227 First Month: One egg
15228 Second Month: A raisin
15229 Third Month: Pumpkin pie with whipped cream and chocolate sauce.
15231 If after the third month you haven't gotten to your dream weight, try
15232 lopping off parts of your body until those scales tip just right for you.
15234 Dr. Jekyll had something to Hyde.
15237 Dr. Livingston I. Presume?
15239 Draft beer, not people.
15241 Drakenberg's Discovery:
15242 If you can't seem to find your glasses,
15243 it's probably because you don't have them on.
15245 Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.
15247 Dreams are free, but there's a small charge for alterations.
15249 Dreams are free, but you get soaked on the connect time.
15251 Drew's Law of Highway Biology:
15252 The first bug to hit a clean windshield
15253 lands directly in front of your eyes.
15255 Drilling for oil is boring.
15257 Drink and dance and laugh and lie
15258 Love, the reeling midnight through
15259 For tomorrow we shall die!
15260 (But, alas, we never do.)
15261 -- Dorothy Parker, "The Flaw in Paganism"
15263 Drink Canada Dry! You might not succeed, but it *is* fun trying.
15265 Drinking coffee for instant relaxation? That's like drinking alcohol for
15266 instant motor skills.
15269 Drinking is not a spectator sport.
15272 Drinking makes such fools of people, and people are such fools to begin
15273 with, that it's compounding a felony.
15276 Drinking when we are not thirsty and making love at all seasons, madam:
15277 that is all there is to distinguish us from the other animals.
15278 -- Pierre de Beaumarchais, "Le Marriage de Figaro"
15280 Drive defensively, buy a tank.
15282 Driving in Texas is simple. For the first 100 miles you swerve to
15283 avoid jackrabbits. For the second 100 miles you hit whatever
15284 jackrabbits get in the way. After that you chase off into the
15287 Driving through a Swiss city one day, Alfred Hitchcock suddenly pointed out
15288 of the car window and said, "That is the most frightening sight I have ever
15289 seen." His companion was surprised to see nothing more alarming than a
15290 priest in conversation with a little boy, his hand on the child's shoulder.
15291 "Run, little boy," cried Hitchcock, leaning out of the car. "Run for your
15296 DROP THE DAMN BEAR!!!
15299 Drop the vase and it will become a Ming of the past.
15303 A substance that, when injected into a rat, produces a scientific
15306 Drugs may be the road to nowhere, but at least they're the scenic route!
15308 Drunks are rarely amusing unless they know some good songs and lose a
15312 Ducharme's Precept:
15313 Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment.
15316 If you view your problem closely enough you will recognize
15317 yourself as part of the problem.
15321 Ducks? What ducks??
15323 Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side,
15324 and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
15327 Due to a shortage of devoted followers, the
15328 production of great leaders has been discontinued.
15330 Due to circumstances beyond your control, you are master of your
15331 fate and captain of your soul.
15333 Due to circumstances beyond your control,
15334 you are master of your fate and captain of your soul.
15336 Dungeons and Dragons is just a lot of Saxon Violence.
15338 During almost fifteen centuries the legal establishment of Christianity has
15339 been upon trial. What has been its fruits? More or less, in all places,
15340 pride and indolence in the clergy; ignorance and servility in the laity,;
15341 in both, superstition, bigotry, and persecution.
15344 During the next two hours, the VAX will be going up and down
15345 several times, often with lin~po_
\a~{po ~poz~ppo\~{ o n~po_
\a~
15346 {o[po ~poodsou>#w4k**n~po_
\a~{ol;lkld;f;g;dd;po\~{o
15348 During the Reagan-Mondale debates:
15350 Q: "Do you feel that a person's age affects his ability to
15351 perform as president?"
15352 Reagan: "I refuse to make an issue out of my opponent's youth and
15355 During the voyage of life, remember to keep an eye out for a
15356 fair wind; batten down during a storm; hail all passing ships;
15357 and fly your colors proudly.
15359 Dustin Farnum: Why, yesterday, I had the audience glued to their seats!
15360 Oliver Herford: Wonderful! Wonderful! Clever of you to think of it!
15361 -- Brian Herbert, "Classic Comebacks"
15364 What one expects from others.
15367 Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. My advice to you is to have
15368 nothing whatever to do with it.
15369 -- W. Somerset Maughm, his last words
15371 Dying is easy. Comedy is difficult.
15372 -- Actor Edmond Gween, on his deathbed.
15374 Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.
15381 Each man is his own prisoner, in solitary confinement for life.
15383 Each new user of a new system uncovers a new class of bugs.
15386 Each of these cults correspond to one of the two antagonists in the age of
15387 Reformation. In the realm of the Apple Macintosh, as in Catholic Europe,
15388 worshipers peer devoutly into screens filled with "icons." All is sound and
15389 imagery and Appledom. Even words look like decorative filigrees in exotic
15390 typefaces. The greatest icon of all, the inviolable Apple itself, stands in
15391 the dominate position at the upper-left corner of the screen. A central
15392 corporate headquarters decrees the form of all rites and practices.
15393 Infallible doctrine issues from one executive officer whose selection occurs
15394 in a sealed boardroom. Should anyone in his curia question his powers, the
15395 offender is excommunicated into outer darkness. The expelled heretic founds
15396 a new company, mutters obscurely of the coming age and the next computer,
15397 then disappears into silence, taking his stockholders with him. The mother
15398 company forbids financial competition as sternly as it stifles ideological
15399 competition; if you want to use computer programs that conform to Apple's
15400 orthodoxy, you must buy a computer made and sold by Apple itself.
15401 -- Edward Mendelson, "The New Republic", February 22, 1988
15403 Each of us bears his own Hell.
15404 -- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil)
15406 Each person has the right to take part in the management of public affairs
15407 in his country, provided he has prior experience, a will to succeed, a
15408 university degree, influential parents, good looks, a curriculum vitae, two
15409 3 X 4 snapshots, and a good tax record.
15411 Each person has the right to take the subway.
15415 NAME: Jean-Luc Perriwinkle Picard
15416 OCCUPATION: Starship Big Cheese
15418 BIRTHPLACE: Paris, Terra Sector
15422 LAST MAGAZINE READ:
15423 Lobes 'n' Probes, the Ferengi-Betazoid Sex Quarterly
15424 TEA: Earl Grey. Hot.
15426 EARL GREY NEVER VARIES.
15428 Earl Wiener, 55, a University of Miami professor of management
15429 science, telling the Airline Pilots Association (in jest) about
15430 21st century aircraft:
15432 "The crew will consist of one pilot and a dog. The pilot will
15433 nurture and feed the dog. The dog will be there to bite the
15434 pilot if he touches anything.
15435 -- Fortune, Sept. 26, 1988
15437 Early to bed and early to rise and you'll
15438 be groggy when everyone else is wide awake.
15440 Early to rise and early to bed makes
15441 a man healthy and wealthy and dead.
15444 Earn cash in your spare time -- blackmail your friends.
15446 Earth Destroyed by Solar Flare -- film clips at eleven.
15448 /earth: file system full.
15450 /Earth is 98% full ... please delete anyone you can.
15452 Earth is a great funhouse without the fun.
15455 Easiest Color to Solve on a Rubik's Cube: Black.
15457 Simply remove all the little colored stickers on the cube, and each of
15458 side of the cube will now be the original color of the plastic underneath
15459 -- black. According to the instructions, this means the puzzle is solved.
15461 Easy come and easy go,
15462 some call me easy money,
15463 Sometimes life is full of laughs,
15464 and sometimes it ain't funny
15465 You may think that I'm a fool
15466 and sometimes that is true,
15467 But I'm goin' to heaven in a flash of fire,
15468 with or without you.
15471 Eat as much as you like -- just don't swallow it.
15472 -- Harry Secombe's diet
15474 Eat drink and be merry! Tomorrow you may be in Utah.
15476 Eat drink and be merry, for tomorrow we diet.
15478 Eat one live frog the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will
15479 happen to either of you for the rest of the day.
15481 Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse
15482 will happen to you the rest of the day.
15484 [Well, actually, to either of you... Ed.]
15486 Eat right, stay fit, and die anyway.
15488 Eat the rich, the poor are tough and stringy.
15490 Eating chocolate is like being in love without the aggravation.
15492 Economics is extremely useful as a form of employment for economists.
15493 -- John Kenneth Galbraith
15496 Economics is the study of the value and meaning of J.K. Galbraith.
15497 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
15499 Economies of scale:
15500 The notion that bigger is better. In particular, that if you want
15501 a certain amount of computer power, it is much better to buy one
15502 biggie than a bunch of smallies. Accepted as an article of faith
15503 by people who love big machines and all that complexity. Rejected
15504 as an article of faith by those who love small machines and all
15508 Someone who's good with figures, but doesn't have enough
15509 personality to become an accountant.
15511 Economists can certainly disappoint you. One said that the economy would
15512 turn up by the last quarter. Well, I'm down to mine and it hasn't.
15515 Economists state their GNP growth projections to the nearest tenth of a
15516 percentage point to prove they have a sense of humor.
15517 -- Edgar R. Fiedler
15519 Editing is a rewording activity.
15521 Education and religion are two things not regulated by supply and
15522 demand. The less of either the people have, the less they want.
15523 -- Charlotte Observer, 1897
15525 Education is an admirable thing, but it is well to remember from time to
15526 time that nothing that is worth knowing can be taught.
15527 -- Oscar Wilde, "The Critic as Artist"
15529 Education is learning what you didn't even know you didn't know.
15530 -- Daniel J. Boorstin
15532 Education is the process of casting false pearls before real swine.
15535 Education is what survives when what has been learnt has been forgotten.
15538 Educational television should be absolutely forbidden. It can only lead
15539 to unreasonable disappointment when your child discovers that the letters
15540 of the alphabet do not leap up out of books and dance around with
15541 royal-blue chickens.
15542 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"
15544 Eeny, Meeny, Jelly Beanie,
15545 The spirits are about to speak...
15547 Eggheads unite! You have nothing to lose but your yolks.
15550 Ego sum ens omnipotens
15552 Egotism is the anesthetic given by a kindly nature
15553 to relieve the pain of being a damned fool.
15556 Egotism is the anesthetic which numbs the pain of stupidity.
15559 Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle with a pen.
15562 A person of low taste, more interested in himself than me.
15565 egrep -n '^[a-z].*\(' $ | sort -t':' +2.0
15567 Ehrman's Commentary:
15568 1. Things will get worse before they get better.
15569 2. Who said things would get better?
15571 Eighty percent of air pollution comes from plants and trees.
15572 -- Ronald Reagan, famous movie star
15574 ...eighty years later he could still recall with the young pang of his
15575 original joy his falling in love with Ada.
15578 Einstein argued that there must be simplified explanations of nature, because
15579 God is not capricious or arbitrary. No such faith comforts the software
15583 Eisenhower was very nice,
15584 Nixon was his only vice.
15587 Either I'm dead or my watch has stopped.
15588 -- Groucho Marx' last words
15591 The actions of two people maneuvering for one
15592 armrest in a movie theatre.
15593 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
15596 Sits at the keyboard and waits for a line on the screen
15598 Waits for a signal, finding some code that will
15599 make the machine do some more.
15602 All the lonely users, where do they all come from?
15603 All the lonely users, why does it take so long?
15606 Writing the code for a program that no one will run
15608 Look at him working, fixing the bugs in the night when there's
15612 All the lonely users, where do they all come from?
15613 All the lonely users, why does it take so long?
15614 Ah, look at all the lonely users.
15615 Ah, look at all the lonely users.
15619 2 boxes JELL-O brand gelatin 2 packages Knox brand unflavored gelatin
15620 2 cups fruit (any variety) 2+ cups water
15621 1/2 bottle Everclear brand grain alcohol
15623 Mix JELL-O and Knox gelatin into 2 cups of boiling water. Stir 'til
15625 Pour hot mixture into a flat pan. (JELL-O molds won't work.)
15626 Stir in grain alcohol instead of usual cold water. Remove any congealing
15627 glops of slime. (Alcohol has an unusual effect on excess JELL-O.)
15628 Pour in fruit to desired taste, and to absorb any excess alcohol.
15629 Mix in some cold water to dilute the alcohol and make it easier to eat for
15630 the faint of heart.
15631 Refrigerate overnight to allow mixture to fully harden. (About 8-12 hours.)
15632 Cut into squares and enjoy!
15635 Keep ingredients away from open flame. Not recommended for
15636 children under eight years of age.
15638 Electrical Engineers do it with less resistance.
15641 Burning at the stake with all the modern improvements.
15643 Elegance and truth are inversely related.
15647 A mouse built to government specifications.
15649 Elevators smell different to midgets.
15651 Eleventh Law of Acoustics:
15652 In a minimum-phase system there is an inextricable link between
15653 frequency response, phase response and transient response, as they
15654 are all merely transforms of one another. This combined with
15655 minimalization of open-loop errors in output amplifiers and correct
15656 compensation for non-linear passive crossover network loading can
15657 lead to a significant decrease in system resolution lost. However,
15658 of course, this all means jack when you listen to Pink Floyd.
15660 Eli and Bessie went to sleep.
15661 In the middle of the night, Bessie nudged Eli.
15662 "Please be so kindly and close the window. It's cold outside!"
15663 Half asleep, Eli murmured,
15664 "Nu ... so if I'll close the window, will it be warm outside?"
15666 Elliptic paraboloids for sale.
15669 The feel of a kiss.
15671 Eloquence is logic on fire.
15673 Elwood: What kind of music do you get here ma'am?
15674 Barmaid: Why, we get both kinds of music, Country and Western.
15677 A slow-moving parody of a text editor.
15679 Emersons' Law of Contrariness:
15680 Our chief want in life is somebody who shall make us do
15681 what we can. Having found them, we shall then hate them
15684 Encyclopedia for sale by father.
15685 Son knows everything.
15687 Encyclopedia Salesmen:
15688 Invite them all in. Nip out the back door. Phone the police
15689 and tell them your house is being burgled.
15690 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
15692 Endless Loop: n. see Loop, Endless.
15693 Loop, Endless: n. see Endless Loop.
15694 -- Random Shack Data Processing Dictionary
15696 Endless the world's turn, endless the sun's spinning
15698 I turn again, back to my own beginning,
15699 And here, find rest.
15701 Enemy -- SP (Suppressive Person) Order. Fair Game. May be deprived of
15702 property or injured by any means by any Scientologist without any discipline
15703 of the Scientologist. May be tricked, sued or lied to or destroyed.
15704 -- L. Ron Hubbard, "Fair Game Doctrine"
15706 Engineering: "How will this work?"
15707 Science: "Why will this work?"
15708 Management: "When will this work?"
15709 Liberal Arts: "Do you want fries with that?"
15711 English literature's performing flea.
15712 -- Sean O'Casey on P.G. Wodehouse
15715 1. The physical manifestation of human memory -- "the engram."
15716 2. A particular memory in physical form. [Usage note: this term is no longer
15717 in common use. Prior to Wilson and Magruder's historic discovery, the nature
15718 of the engram was a topic of intense speculation among neuroscientists,
15719 psychologists, and even computer scientists. In 1994 Professors M. R. Wilson
15720 and W. V. Magruder, both of Mount St. Coax University in Palo Alto, proved
15721 conclusively that the mammalian brain is hardwired to interpret a set of
15722 thirty seven genetically transmitted cooperating TECO macros. Human memory
15723 was shown to reside in 1 million Q-registers as Huffman coded uppercase-only
15724 ASCII strings. Interest in the engram has declined substantially since that
15726 -- New Century Unabridged English Dictionary,
15727 3rd edition, 2007 A.D.
15730 To tamper with an image, usually to its detriment.
15732 Enjoy your life; be pleasant and gay, like the birds in May.
15734 Enjoy yourself while you're still old.
15737 A high-rolling risk taker who would rather
15738 be a spectacular failure than a dismal success.
15740 Entropy isn't what it used to be.
15742 Entropy requires no maintenance.
15745 Envy is a pain of mind that successful men cause their neighbors.
15749 Wishing you'd been born with an unfair advantage,
15750 instead of having to try and acquire one.
15752 Enzymes are things invented by biologists
15753 that explain things which otherwise require harder thinking.
15756 Equal bytes for women.
15758 Ere the cock crows thrice one of you will betray me.
15759 -- Early Jewish Resistance Leader
15761 Ernest asks Frank how long he has been working for the company.
15762 "Ever since they threatened to fire me."
15764 Es brilig war. Die schlichte Toven
15765 Wirrten und wimmelten in Waben;
15766 Und aller-mumsige Burggoven
15767 Dir mohmen Rath ausgraben.
15769 Eschew obfuscation.
15771 Established technology tends to persist in the face of new technology.
15772 -- G. Blaauw, one of the designers of System 360
15774 E.T. GO HOME!!! (And take your Smurfs with you.)
15776 Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.
15779 Eternity is a terrible thought. I mean, where's it going to end?
15782 Etiquette is for those with no breeding;
15783 fashion for those with no taste.
15786 Some early etymological scholars came up with derivations that
15787 were hard for the public to believe. The term 'etymology' was
15788 formed from the Latin 'etus' ("eaten"), the root 'mal' ("bad"),
15789 and 'logy' ("study of"). It meant "the study of things that are
15793 Euch ist becannt, was wir beduerfen;
15794 Wir wollen stark Getraenke schluerfen.
15797 Eudaemonic research proceeded with the casual mania peculiar to this part of
15798 the world. Nude sunbathing on the back deck was combined with phone calls to
15799 Advanced Kinetics in Costa Mesa, American Laser Systems in Goleta, Automation
15800 Industries in Danbury, Connecticut, Arenberg Ultrasonics in Jamaica Plain,
15801 Massachusetts, and Hewlett Packard in Sunnyvale, California, where Norman
15802 Packard's cousin, David, presided as chairman of the board. The trick was to
15803 make these calls at noon, in the hope that out-to-lunch executives would return
15804 them at their own expense. Eudaemonic Enterprises, for all they knew, might be
15805 a fast-growing computer company branching out of the Silicon Valley. Sniffing
15806 the possibility of high-volume sales, these executives little suspected that
15807 they were talking on the other end of the line to a naked physicist crazed
15809 -- Thomas Bass, "The Eudaemonic Pie"
15814 Even a blind pig stumbles upon a few acorns.
15816 Even a cabbage may look at a king.
15818 Even a hawk is an eagle among crows.
15820 Even a man who is pure at heart,
15821 And says his prayers at night
15822 Can become a wolf when the wolfbane blooms,
15823 And the moon is full and bright.
15824 -- The Wolf Man, 1941
15826 Even God cannot change the past.
15829 Even God lends a hand to honest boldness.
15832 Even if you do learn to speak correct
15833 English, whom are you going to speak it to?
15836 Even if you persuade me, you won't persuade me.
15839 Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.
15842 Even in the moment of our earliest kiss,
15843 When sighed the straitened bud into the flower,
15844 Sat the dry seed of most unwelcome this;
15845 And that I knew, though not the day and hour.
15846 Too season-wise am I, being country-bred,
15847 To tilt at autumn or defy the frost:
15848 Snuffing the chill even as my fathers did,
15849 I say with them, "What's out tonight is lost."
15850 I only hoped, with the mild hope of all
15851 Who watch the leaf take shape upon the tree,
15852 A fairer summer and a later fall
15853 Than in these parts a man is apt to see,
15854 And sunny clusters ripened for the wine:
15855 I tell you this across the blackened vine.
15856 -- Edna St. Vincent Millay, "Even in the Moment of
15857 Our Earliest Kiss", 1931
15859 Even moderation ought not to be practiced to excess.
15861 Even nowadays a man can't step up and kill a woman without feeling
15862 just a bit unchivalrous...
15865 Even the best of friends cannot attend each other's funeral.
15868 Even the best of friends cannot attend each other's funeral.
15869 -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
15871 Even though they raised the rate for first class mail in the United
15872 States we really shouldn't complain -- it's still only 2 cents a day.
15874 Events are not affected, they develop.
15877 Ever feel like life was a game and you had the wrong instruction book?
15879 Ever feel like you're the head pin on life's
15880 bowling alley, and everyone's rolling strikes?
15882 Ever get the feeling that the world's
15883 on tape and one of the reels is missing?
15886 Ever notice that even the busiest people are
15887 never too busy to tell you just how busy they are?
15889 Ever notice that the word "therapist" breaks down into "the rapist"?
15890 Simple coincidence?
15893 Ever Onward! Ever Onward!
15894 That's the sprit that has brought us fame.
15895 We're big but bigger we will be,
15896 We can't fail for all can see, that to serve humanity
15898 Our products now are known in every zone.
15899 Our reputation sparkles like a gem.
15900 We've fought our way thru
15901 And new fields we're sure to conquer, too
15902 For the Ever Onward IBM!
15903 -- Ever Onward, from the 1940 IBM Songbook
15905 Ever Onward! Ever Onward!
15906 We're bound for the top to never fall,
15907 Right here and now we thankfully
15908 Pledge sincerest loyalty
15909 To the corporation that's the best of all
15910 Our leaders we revere and while we're here,
15911 Let's show the world just what we think of them!
15912 So let us sing men -- Sing men
15913 Once or twice, then sing again
15914 For the Ever Onward IBM!
15915 -- Ever Onward, from the 1940 IBM Songbook
15917 Ever since I was a young boy,
15918 I've hacked the ARPA net,
15919 From Berkeley down to Rutgers, He's on my favorite terminal,
15920 Any access I could get, He cats C right into foo,
15921 But ain't seen nothing like him, His disciples lead him in,
15922 On any campus yet, And he just breaks the root,
15923 That deaf, dumb, and blind kid, Always has full SYS-PRIV's,
15924 Sure sends a mean packet. Never uses lint,
15925 That deaf, dumb, and blind kid,
15926 Sure sends a mean packet.
15927 He's a UNIX wizard,
15928 There has to be a twist.
15929 The UNIX wizard's got Ain't got no distractions,
15930 Unlimited space on disk. Can't hear no whistles or bells,
15931 How do you think he does it? Can't see no message flashing,
15932 I don't know. Types by sense of smell,
15933 What makes him so good? Those crazy little programs,
15934 The proper bit flags set,
15935 That deaf, dumb, and blind kid,
15936 Sure sends a mean packet.
15939 Ever wonder if taxation without representation might have been cheaper?
15941 Ever wonder why fire engines are red?
15943 Because newspapers are read too.
15944 Two and Two is four.
15945 Four and four is eight.
15946 Eight and four is twelve.
15947 There are twelve inches in a ruler.
15948 Queen Mary was a ruler.
15949 Queen Mary was a ship.
15950 Ships sail the sea.
15951 There are fishes in the sea.
15953 The Fins fought the Russians.
15955 Fire engines are always rush'n.
15956 Therefore fire engines are red.
15958 Ever wondered about the origins of the term "bugs" as applied to computer
15959 technology? U.S. Navy Capt. Grace Murray Hopper has firsthand explanation.
15960 The 74-year-old captain, who is still on active duty, was a pioneer in
15961 computer technology during World War II. At the C.W. Post Center of Long
15962 Island University, Hopper told a group of Long Island public school adminis-
15963 trators that the first computer "bug" was a real bug--a moth. At Harvard
15964 one August night in 1945, Hopper and her associates were working on the
15965 "granddaddy" of modern computers, the Mark I. "Things were going badly;
15966 there was something wrong in one of the circuits of the long glass-enclosed
15967 computer," she said. "Finally, someone located the trouble spot and, using
15968 ordinary tweezers, removed the problem, a two-inch moth. From then on, when
15969 anything went wrong with a computer, we said it had bugs in it." Hopper
15970 said that when the veracity of her story was questioned recently, "I referred
15971 them to my 1945 log book, now in the collection of the Naval Surface Weapons
15972 Center, and they found the remains of that moth taped to the page in
15974 [actually, the term "bug" had even earlier usage in
15975 regard to problems with radio hardware. Ed.]
15977 Everlasting peace will come to the world when the last man has slain
15981 Every 4 seconds a woman has a baby.
15982 Our problem is to find this woman and stop her.
15984 Every cloud engenders not a storm.
15985 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
15987 Every cloud has a silver lining;
15988 you should have sold it, and bought titanium.
15990 Every country has the government it deserves.
15991 -- Joseph De Maistre
15993 Every creature has within him the wild, uncontrollable urge to punt.
15995 Every day it's the same thing -- variety. I want something different.
15997 Every day people are straying away from the church and going back to God.
16000 Every dog has its day, but the nights belong to the pussycats.
16002 Every gun that is made, every warship launched, every rocket fired
16003 signifies in the final sense, a theft from those who hunger and are not
16004 fed, those who are cold and are not clothed. This world in arms is not
16005 spending money alone. It is spending the sweat of its laborers, the
16006 genius of its scientists, the hopes of its children. This is not
16007 a way of life at all in any true sense. Under the clouds of war, it
16008 is humanity hanging on a cross of iron.
16009 -- Dwight Eisenhower, 1953
16011 Every little picofarad has a nanohenry all its own.
16014 Every love's the love before
16016 -- Dorothy Parker, "Summary"
16018 Every man is apt to form his notions of things difficult to be apprehended,
16019 or less familiar, from their analogy to things which are more familiar.
16020 Thus, if a man bred to the seafaring life, and accustomed to think and talk
16021 only of matters relating to navigation, enters into discourse upon any other
16022 subject; it is well known, that the language and the notions proper to his
16023 own profession are infused into every subject, and all things are measured
16024 by the rules of navigation: and if he should take it into his head to
16025 philosophize concerning the faculties of the mind, it cannot be doubted,
16026 but he would draw his notions from the fabric of the ship, and would find
16027 in the mind, sails, masts, rudder, and compass.
16028 -- Thomas Reid, "An Inquiry into the Human Mind", 1764
16030 Every man is as God made him, ay, and often worse.
16031 -- Miguel de Cervantes
16033 Every man takes the limits of his own field
16034 of vision for the limits of the world.
16037 Every man thinks God is on his side. The rich
16038 and powerful know that he is.
16039 -- Jean Anouilh, "The Lark"
16041 Every man who has reached even his intellectual teens begins to suspect
16042 that life is no farce; that it is not genteel comedy even; that it flowers
16043 and fructifies on the contrary out of the profoundest tragic depths of the
16044 essential death in which its subject's roots are plunged. The natural
16045 inheritance of everyone who is capable of spiritual life is an unsubdued
16046 forest where the wolf howls and the obscene bird of night chatters.
16047 -- Henry James Sr., writing to his sons Henry and William
16049 Every man who is high up likes to think that he has done
16050 it all himself, and the wife smiles and lets it go at that.
16053 Every morning in Africa, a gazelle wakes up. It knows it must run faster
16054 than the fastest lion or it will be killed. Every morning a lion wakes up.
16055 It knows it must outrun the slowest gazelle or it will starve to death.
16056 It doesn't matter whether you are a lion or a gazelle: when the sun comes
16057 up, you'd better be running.
16059 Every morning is a Smirnoff morning.
16061 Every night my prayers I say,
16062 And get my dinner every day;
16063 And every day that I've been good,
16064 I get an orange after food.
16065 The child that is not clean and neat,
16066 With lots of toys and things to eat,
16067 He is a naughty child, I'm sure--
16068 Or else his dear papa is poor.
16069 -- Robert Louis Stevenson
16071 Every one says that politicians lie all the time, and that just isn't so!
16072 But you do have to understand body language to know when they're lying and
16075 When a politician rubs his nose, he isn't lying.
16076 When a politician tugs on his ear, he isn't lying.
16077 When a politician scratches his colar bone, he isn't lying.
16078 When his mouth starts moving, that's when he's lying!
16080 Every paper published in a respectable journal should have a preface by
16081 the author stating why he is publishing the article, and what value he
16082 sees in it. I have no hope that this practice will ever be adopted.
16085 Every path has its puddle.
16087 Every person, all the events in your life are there because you have
16088 drawn them there. What you choose to do with them is up to you.
16089 -- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul
16091 Every program has at least one bug and can be shortened by at least one
16092 instruction -- from which, by induction, one can deduce that every program
16093 can be reduced to one instruction which doesn't work.
16095 Every program has (at least) two purposes:
16096 the one for which it was written and another for which it wasn't.
16098 Every silver lining has a cloud around it.
16100 Every Solidarity center had piles and piles of paper ... everyone was
16101 eating paper and a policeman was at the door. Now all you have to do is
16103 -- A member of the outlawed Polish trade union, Solidarity,
16104 commenting on the benefits of using computers in support
16107 Every successful person has had failures
16108 but repeated failure is no guarantee of eventual success.
16110 Every suicide is a solution to a problem.
16113 Every time I look at you I am more convinced of Darwin's theory.
16115 Every time I lose weight, it finds me again!
16117 Every time I think I know where it's at, they move it.
16119 Every time you manage to close the door on
16120 Reality, it comes in through the window.
16122 Every why hath a wherefore.
16123 -- William Shakespeare, "A Comedy of Errors"
16125 Every word is like an unnecessary stain on silence and nothingness.
16128 Every young man should have a hobby: learning how to handle money is
16132 Everybody but Sam had signed up for a new company pension plan that
16133 called for a small employee contribution. The company was paying all
16134 the rest. Unfortunately, 100% employee participation was needed;
16135 otherwise the plan was off. Sam's boss and his fellow workers pleaded
16136 and cajoled, but to no avail. Sam said the plan would never pay off.
16137 Finally the company president called Sam into his office.
16138 "Sam," he said, "here's a copy of the new pension plan and here's
16139 a pen. I want you to sign the papers. I'm sorry, but if you don't sign,
16140 you're fired. As of right now."
16141 Sam signed the papers immediately.
16142 "Now," said the president, "would you mind telling me why you
16143 couldn't have signed earlier?"
16144 "Well, sir," replied Sam, "nobody explained it to me quite so
16147 Everybody has something to conceal.
16150 Everybody is given the same amount of hormones, at birth, and
16151 if you want to use yours for growing hair, that's fine with me.
16153 Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
16156 Everybody knows that the dice are loaded. Everybody rolls with their
16157 fingers crossed. Everybody knows the war is over. Everybody knows the
16158 good guys lost. Everybody knows the fight was fixed: the poor stay
16159 poor, the rich get rich. That's how it goes. Everybody knows.
16161 Everybody knows that the boat is leaking. Everybody knows the captain
16162 lied. Everybody got this broken feeling like their father or their dog
16165 Everybody talking to their pockets. Everybody wants a box of chocolates
16166 and long stem rose. Everybody knows.
16168 Everybody knows that you love me, baby. Everybody knows that you really
16169 do. Everybody knows that you've been faithful, give or take a night or
16170 two. Everybody knows you've been discreet, but there were so many people
16171 you just had to meet without your clothes. And everybody knows.
16173 And everybody knows it's now or never. Everybody knows that it's me or you.
16174 And everybody knows that you live forever when you've done a line or two.
16175 Everybody knows the deal is rotten: Old Black Joe's still pickin' cotton
16176 for you ribbons and bows. And everybody knows.
16177 -- Leonard Cohen, "Everybody Knows"
16179 Everybody likes a kidder, but nobody lends him money.
16182 Everybody needs a little love sometime;
16183 stop hacking and fall in love!
16185 Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
16187 Everyone can be taught to sculpt: Michelangelo would have had
16188 to be taught how not to. So it is with the great programmers.
16190 Everyone complains of his memory, no one of his judgement.
16192 Everyone hates me because I'm paranoid.
16194 Everyone is entitled to my opinion.
16196 Everyone is in the best seat.
16199 Everyone is more or less mad on one point.
16202 Everyone knows that dragons don't exist. But while this simplistic
16203 formulation may satisfy the layman, it does not suffice for the
16204 scientific mind. The School of Higher Neantical Nillity is in fact
16205 wholly unconcerned with what DOES exist. Indeed, the banality of
16206 existence has been so amply demonstrated, there is no need for us
16207 to discuss it any further here. The brilliant Cerebron, attacking
16208 the problem analytically, discovered three distinct kinds of dragon:
16209 the mythical, the chimerical, and the purely hypothetical. They were
16210 all, one might say, nonexistent, but each nonexisted in an entirely
16213 Everyone wants results, but no one is willing to do what it takes
16217 Everyone was born right-handed.
16218 Only the greatest overcome it.
16220 Everyone who comes in here wants three things:
16221 1. They want it quick.
16222 2. They want it good.
16223 3. They want it cheap.
16224 I tell 'em to pick two and call me back.
16225 -- sign on the back wall of a small printing company
16227 Everyone's in a high place when you're on your knees.
16229 Everything bows to success, even grammar.
16231 Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous".
16233 Everything ends badly. Otherwise it wouldn't end.
16235 Everything I like is either illegal, immoral or fattening.
16236 -- Alexander Woollcott
16238 Everything in this book may be wrong.
16239 -- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul
16241 Everything is controlled by a small evil group
16242 to which, unfortunately, no one we know belongs.
16244 Everything is possible. Pass the word.
16245 -- Rita Mae Brown, "Six of One"
16247 Everything might be different in the present
16248 if only one thing had been different in the past.
16250 Everything new stalls because there is precedence for the old.
16251 -- Poul Henningsen [1894-1967]
16253 Everything should be built top-down, except the first time.
16255 Everything should be built top-down, except this time.
16257 Everything should be made as simple as possible, but not simpler.
16260 Everything takes longer, costs more, and is less useful.
16263 Everything that can be invented has been invented.
16264 -- Charles Duell, Director of U.S. Patent Office, 1899
16266 Everything that you know is wrong, but you can be straightened out.
16268 Everything will be just tickety-boo today.
16270 Everything you know is wrong!
16272 Everything you read in newspapers is absolutely true, except for that
16273 rare story of which you happen to have first-hand knowledge.
16276 Everything you've learned in school as "obvious" becomes less and less
16277 obvious as you begin to study the universe. For example, there are no
16278 solids in the universe. There's not even a suggestion of a solid.
16279 There are no absolute continuums. There are no surfaces. There are no
16281 -- R. Buckminster Fuller
16283 Everything you've learned in school as "obvious" becomes less and less
16284 obvious as you begin to study the universe. For example, there are no
16285 solids in the universe. There's not even a suggestion of a solid. There
16286 are no absolute continuums. There are no surfaces. There are no
16288 -- R. Buckminster Fuller
16290 Everything's great in this good old world;
16291 (This is the stuff they can always use.)
16292 God's in his heaven, the hill's dew-pearled;
16293 (This will provide for baby's shoes.)
16294 Hunger and War do not mean a thing;
16295 Everything's rosy where'er we roam;
16296 Hark, how the little birds gaily sing!
16297 (This is what fetches the bacon home.)
16298 -- Dorothy Parker, "The Far Sighted Muse"
16300 Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My
16301 opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them. There's many a bestseller
16302 that could have been prevented by a good teacher.
16303 -- Flannery O'Connor
16305 Everywhere you go you'll see them searching,
16306 Everywhere you turn you'll feel the pain,
16307 Everyone is looking for the answer,
16309 -- Moody Blues, "Lost in a Lost World"
16311 Evil is that which one believes of others. It is a sin to believe evil
16312 of others, but it is seldom a mistake.
16315 Evolution is a million line computer
16316 program falling into place by accident.
16318 Evolution is as much a fact as the earth turning on its axis and going around
16319 the sun. At one time this was called the Copernican theory; but, when
16320 evidence for a theory becomes so overwhelming that no informed person can
16321 doubt it, it is customary for scientists to call it a fact. That all present
16322 life descended from earlier forms, over vast stretches of geologic time, is
16323 as firmly established as Copernican cosmology. Biologists differ only with
16324 respect to theories about how the process operates.
16325 -- Martin Gardner, "Irving Kristol and the Facts of Life".
16327 Examinations are formidable even to the best prepared, for
16328 even the greatest fool may ask more the the wisest man can answer.
16331 Example is not the main thing in influencing others.
16332 It is the only thing.
16333 -- Albert Schweitzer
16335 Excellent day for drinking heavily.
16336 Spike the office water cooler.
16338 Excellent day to have a rotten day.
16340 Excellent time to become a missing person.
16342 Exceptions prove the rule, and wreck the budget.
16345 Excerpt from a conversation between a customer support person and a
16346 customer working for a well-known military-affiliated research lab:
16348 Support: "You're not our only customer, you know."
16349 Customer: "But we're one of the few with tactical nuclear weapons."
16351 Excess on occasion is exhilarating. It prevents moderation from
16352 acquiring the deadening effect of a habit.
16353 -- W. Somerset Maugham
16355 Excess on occasion is exhilarating. It prevents
16356 moderation from acquiring the deadening effect of a habit.
16357 -- W. Somerset Maugham
16359 Excessive login messages is a sure sign of senility.
16361 Execute every act of thy life as though it were thy last.
16364 Executive ability is prominent in your make-up.
16366 Exercise caution in your daily affairs.
16368 Exhilaration is that feeling you get just after a great idea hits you,
16369 and just before you realize what is wrong with it.
16371 Expansion means complexity; and complexity decay.
16373 Expect a letter from a friend who will ask a favor of you.
16375 Expect the worst, it's the least you can do.
16377 Expedience is the best teacher.
16379 Expense accounts, n:
16380 Corporate food stamps.
16382 Experience is a good teacher, but she sends in terrific bills.
16383 -- Minna Antrim, "Naked Truth and Veiled Allusions"
16385 Experience is not what happens to you;
16386 it is what you do with what happens to you.
16389 Experience is that marvelous thing that enables
16390 you recognize a mistake when you make it again.
16393 Experience is the worst teacher. It always
16394 gives the test first and the instruction afterward.
16396 Experience is what causes a person
16397 to make new mistakes instead of old ones.
16399 Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted.
16401 Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.
16404 Something you don't get until just after you need it.
16407 Experience teaches you that the man who looks you straight in the eye,
16408 particularly if he adds a firm handshake, is hiding something.
16409 -- Clifton Fadiman, "Enter Conversing"
16411 Experience varies directly with equipment ruined.
16413 Experiments must be reproducible; they should all fail in the same way.
16417 Extraordinary claims demand extraordinary proof. There are many examples
16418 of outsiders who eventually overthrew entrenched scientific orthodoxies,
16419 but they prevailed with irrefutable data. More often, egregious findings
16420 that contradict well-established research turn out to be artifacts. I have
16421 argued that accepting psychic powers, reincarnation, "cosmic consciousness,"
16422 and the like, would entail fundamental revisions of the foundations of
16423 neuroscience. Before abandoning materialist theories of mind that have paid
16424 handsome dividends, we should insist on better evidence for psi phenomena
16425 than presently exists, especially when neurology and psychology themselves
16426 offer more plausible alternatives.
16427 -- Barry L. Beyerstein, "The Brain and Consciousness:
16428 Implications for Psi Phenomena".
16430 Extreme fear can neither fight nor fly.
16431 -- William Shakespeare, "The Rape of Lucrece"
16433 Extremism in the defense of liberty is no vice... moderation in the pursuit
16434 of justice is no virtue.
16437 f u cn rd ths, itn tyg h myxbl cd.
16439 f u cn rd ths, u cn gt a gd jb n cmptr prgrmmng.
16441 F u cn rd ths u cnt spl wrth a dm!
16443 f u cn rd ths, u r prbbly a lsy spllr.
16445 FACILITY REJECTED 100044200000;
16447 Factorials were someone's attempt to make math LOOK exciting.
16449 Facts, apart from their relationships, are like labels on empty bottles.
16452 Facts are the enemy of truth.
16455 Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored.
16458 Failed Attempts To Break Records
16459 In September 1978 Mr. Terry Gripton, of Stafford, failed to break
16460 the world shouting record by two and a half decibels. "I am not surprised
16461 he failed," his wife said afterwards. "He's really a very quiet man and
16462 doesn't even shout at me."
16463 In August of the same year Mr. Paul Anthony failed to break the
16464 record for continuous organ playing by 387 hours.
16465 His attempt at the Golden Fish Fry Restaurant in Manchester ended
16466 after 36 hours 10 minutes, when he was accused of disturbing the peace.
16467 "People complained I was too noisy," he said.
16468 In January 1976 Mr. Barry McQueen failed to walk backwards across
16469 the Menai Bridge playing the bagpipes. "It was raining heavily and my
16470 drone got waterlogged," he said.
16471 A TV cameraman thwarted Mr. Bob Specas' attempt to topple 100,000
16472 dominoes at the Manhattan Center, New York on 9 June 1978. 97,500 dominoes
16473 had been set up when he dropped his press badge and set them off.
16474 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
16476 Failure is more frequently from want of energy than want of capital.
16478 Fain would I climb, yet fear I to fall.
16479 -- Sir Walter Raleigh
16482 A horror story to prepare children for the newspapers.
16484 Faith goes out through the window when beauty comes in at the door.
16486 Faith has never moved as much as a pin-head from the place it
16487 ought to be according to tradition and the scriptures. It is
16488 the doubt that moved all the mountains.
16489 -- Poul Henningsen [1894-1967]
16491 Faith is the quality that enables you to eat blackberry jam
16492 on a picnic without looking to see whether the seeds move.
16494 Faith is under the left nipple.
16498 That quality which enables us to
16499 believe what we know to be untrue.
16502 A psychologist whose charismatic data have inspired almost
16503 religious devotion in his followers, even though the sources
16504 seem to have shinnied up a rope and vanished.
16507 When two people have been on enough dates, they generally fall in
16508 love. You can tell you're in love by the way you feel: your head becomes
16509 light, your heart leaps within you, you feel like you're walking on air,
16510 and the whole world seems like a wonderful and happy place. Unfortunately,
16511 these are also the four warning signs of colon disease, so it's always a
16512 good idea to check with your doctor.
16515 Falling in love is a lot like dying.
16516 You never get to do it enough to become good at it.
16518 Falling in love makes smoking pot all day look like the ultimate in
16520 -- Dave Sim, author of "Cerebus".
16522 Fame is a vapor; popularity an accident;
16523 the only earthly certainty is oblivion.
16526 Fame lost its appeal for me when I went into a public restroom and an
16527 autograph seeker handed me a pen and paper under the stall door.
16530 Fame may be fleeting but obscurity is forever.
16532 Familiarity breeds attempt.
16534 Familiarity breeds contempt -- and children.
16537 Families, when a child is born
16538 Want it to be intelligent.
16539 I, through intelligence,
16540 Having wrecked my whole life,
16541 Only hope the baby will prove
16542 Ignorant and stupid.
16543 Then he will crown a tranquil life
16544 By becoming a Cabinet Minister
16550 1: Don't unplug it, it will just take a moment to fix.
16551 2: Let's take the shortcut, he can't see us from there.
16552 3: What happens if you touch these two wires tog...
16553 4: We won't need reservations.
16554 5: It's always sunny there this time of the year.
16555 6: Don't worry, it's not loaded.
16556 7: They'd never (be stupid enough to) make him a manager.
16557 8: Don't worry! Women love it!
16559 Fanaticism consists of redoubling your effort when you have
16560 forgotten your aim.
16561 -- George Santayana
16563 "Fantasies are free."
16564 "NO!! NO!! It's the thought police!!!!"
16566 Far back in the mists of ancient time, in the great and glorious days of the
16567 former Galactic Empire, life was wild, rich and largely tax free.
16569 Mighty starships plied their way between exotic suns, seeking adventure and
16570 reward among the furthest reaches of Galactic space. In those days, spirits
16571 were brave, the stakes were high, men were real men, women were real women
16572 and small furry creatures from Alpha Centauri were real small furry creatures
16573 from Alpha Centauri. And all dared to brave unknown terrors, to do mighty
16574 deeds, to boldly split infinitives that no man had split before -- and thus
16575 was the Empire forged.
16576 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
16578 Far duller than a serpent's tooth it is to spend a quiet youth.
16580 Far out in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the Western
16581 Spiral arm of the Galaxy lies a small unregarded yellow sun. Orbiting this
16582 at a distance of roughly ninety-eight million miles is an utterly
16583 insignificant little blue-green planet whose ape-descended life forms are
16584 so amazingly primitive that they still think digital watches are a pretty
16586 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhicker's Guide to the Galaxy"
16588 Farmers in the Iowa State survey rated machinery breakdowns more
16589 stressful than divorce.
16590 -- Wall Street Journal
16592 Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter
16593 it every six months.
16596 Fashions have done more harm than revolutions.
16599 Fast, cheap, good: pick two.
16601 Fast ship? You mean you've never heard of the Millennium Falcon?
16604 Faster, faster, you fool, you fool!
16607 Fat Liberation: because a waist is a terrible thing to mind.
16609 Fat people of the world unite, we've got nothing to lose!
16611 Father: Son, it's time we talked about sex.
16612 Son: Sure, Dad, what do you want to know?
16614 Fats Loves Madelyn.
16616 Fay: The British police force used to be run by men of integrity.
16617 Truscott: That is a mistake which has been rectified.
16618 -- Joe Orton, "Loot"
16621 What you feel when you see a U-Haul with Texas license plates.
16623 Fear and loathing, my man, fear and loathing.
16624 -- Hunter S. Thompson
16626 Fear is the greatest salesman.
16630 A surprising property of a program. Occasionally documented. To
16631 call a property a feature sometimes means the author did not
16632 consider that case, and the program makes an unexpected, though
16633 not necessarily wrong response. See BUG. "That's not a bug, it's
16634 a feature!" A bug can be changed to a feature by documenting it.
16636 Federal grants are offered for... research into the recreation
16637 potential of interplanetary space travel for the culturally
16640 Feel disillusioned?
16641 I've got some great new illusions, right here!
16643 Feeling amorous, she looked under the sheets and cried, "Oh, no,
16646 Felix Catus is your taxonomic nomenclature,
16647 An endothermic quadroped, carniverous by nature.
16648 Your visual, olfactory, and auditory senses
16649 Contribute to your hunting skills and natural defenses.
16650 I find myself intrigued by your sub-vocal oscillations,
16651 A singular development of cat communications
16652 That obviates your basic hedonistic predelection
16653 For a rhythmic stroking of your fur to demonstrate affection.
16654 A tail is quite essential for your acrobatic talents:
16655 You would not be so agile if you lacked its counterbalance;
16656 And when not being utilized to aid in locomotion,
16657 It often serves to illustrate the state of your emotion.
16658 Oh Spot, the complex levels of behavior you display
16659 Connote a fairly well-developed cognitive array.
16660 And though you are not sentient, Spot, and do not comprehend,
16661 I nonetheless consider you a true and valued friend.
16662 -- Lt. Cmdr. Data, "An Ode to Spot"
16664 Fellow programmer, greetings! You are reading a letter which will bring
16665 you luck and good fortune. Just mail (or UUCP) ten copies of this letter
16666 to ten of your friends. Before you make the copies, send a chip or
16667 other bit of hardware, and 100 lines of 'C' code to the first person on the
16668 list given at the bottom of this letter. Then delete their name and add
16669 yours to the bottom of the list.
16671 Don't break the chain! Make the copy within 48 hours. Gerald R. of San
16672 Diego failed to send out his ten copies and woke the next morning to find
16673 his job description changed to "COBOL programmer." Fred A. of New York sent
16674 out his ten copies and within a month had enough hardware and software to
16675 build a Cray dedicated to playing Zork. Martha H. of Chicago laughed at
16676 this letter and broke the chain. Shortly thereafter, a fire broke out in
16677 her terminal and she now spends her days writing documentation for IBM PC's.
16679 Don't break the chain! Send out your ten copies today!
16682 The gift that just "keeps on giving."
16685 The large glacial deposits that form on the insides
16686 of car fenders during snowstorms.
16687 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
16689 Ferguson's Precept:
16690 A crisis is when you can't say "let's forget the whole thing."
16692 Fertility is hereditary. If your parents
16693 didn't have any children, neither will you.
16695 Fess: Well, you must admit there is something innately humorous about
16696 a man chasing an invention of his own halfway across the galaxy.
16697 Rod: Oh yeah, it's a million yuks, sure. But after all, isn't that the
16698 basic difference between robots and humans?
16699 Fess: What, the ability to form imaginary constructs?
16700 Rod: No, the ability to get hung up on them.
16701 -- Christopher Stasheff, "The Warlock in Spite of Himself"
16703 Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.
16707 A virtue peculiar to those who are about to be betrayed.
16709 Fifteen men on a dead man's chest,
16710 Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of rum!
16711 Drink and the devil had done for the rest,
16712 Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of rum!
16713 -- Stevenson, "Treasure Island"
16715 Fifth Law of Applied Terror:
16716 If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.
16718 If you are given a take-home exam, you will forget where you live.
16721 A four drawer, manually activated trash compactor.
16724 Throwing your wait around.
16726 Fill what's empty, empty what's full, scratch where it itches.
16727 -- Alice Roosevelt Longworth
16730 Science is true. Don't be misled by facts.
16732 Finagle's Eighth Law:
16733 If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
16735 Finagle's Ninth Law:
16736 No matter what results are expected,
16737 someone is always willing to fake it.
16739 Finagle's Tenth Law:
16740 No matter what the result someone
16741 is always eager to misinterpret it.
16743 Finagle's Eleventh Law:
16744 No matter what occurs, someone believes
16745 it happened according to his pet theory.
16747 Finagle's First Law:
16748 To study a subject best, understand it thoroughly before you start.
16750 Finagle's Second Law:
16751 Always keep a record of data -- it indicates you've been working.
16753 Finagle's Fourth Law:
16754 Once a job is fouled up,
16755 anything done to improve it only makes it worse.
16757 Finagle's Fifth Law:
16758 Always draw your curves, then plot your readings.
16760 Finagle's Sixth Law:
16761 Don't believe in miracles -- rely on them.
16763 Finagle's Seventh Law:
16764 The perversity of the universe tends toward a maximum.
16766 Finagle's Third Law:
16767 In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct,
16768 beyond all need of checking, is the mistake.
16771 1. Nobody whom you ask for help will see it.
16772 2. The first person who stops by, whose advice you really
16773 don't want to hear, will see it immediately.
16776 Perfection is finality.
16777 Nothing is perfect.
16778 There are lumps in it.
16780 Fine day for friends.
16783 Fine day to throw a party. Throw him as far as you can.
16785 Fine day to work off excess energy. Steal something heavy.
16788 A closed mouth gathers no feet.
16790 First Law of Bicycling:
16791 No matter which way you ride, it's uphill and against the wind.
16793 First law of debate:
16794 Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference.
16796 First Law of Procrastination:
16797 Procrastination shortens the job and places the responsibility
16798 for its termination on someone else (i.e., the authority who
16799 imposed the deadline).
16801 Fifth Law of Procrastination:
16802 Procrastination avoids boredom; one never has the feeling that
16803 there is nothing important to do.
16805 First Law of Socio-Genetics:
16806 Celibacy is not hereditary.
16808 First love is only a little foolishness and a lot of curiosity, no really
16809 self-respecting woman would take advantage of it.
16810 -- George Bernard Shaw, "John Bull's Other Island"
16812 First Rule of History:
16813 History doesn't repeat itself --
16814 historians merely repeat each other.
16816 First rule of public speaking.
16817 First, tell 'em what you're goin' to tell 'em;
16819 then tell 'em what you've tole 'em.
16821 First there was Dial-A-Prayer, then Dial-A-Recipe, and even Dial-A-Footballer.
16822 But the south-east Victorian town of Sale has produced one to top them all.
16824 It all began early yesterday when Sale police received a telephone
16825 call: "You won't believe this, and I'm not drunk, but there's a wombat in the
16826 phone booth outside the town hall," the caller said.
16827 Not firmly convinced about the caller's claim to sobriety, members of
16828 the constabulary drove to the scene, expecting to pick up a drunk.
16829 But there it was, an annoyed wombat, trapped in a telephone booth.
16830 The wombat, determined not to be had the better of again, threw its
16831 bulk into the fray. It was eventually lassoed and released in a nearby scrub.
16832 Then the officers received another message ... another wombat in
16833 another phone booth.
16834 There it was: *Another* angry wombat trapped in a telephone booth.
16835 The constables took the miffed marsupial into temporary custody and
16836 released it, too, in the scrub.
16837 But on their way back to the station they happened to pass another
16838 telephone booth, and -- you guessed it -- another imprisoned wombat.
16839 After some serious detective work, the lads in blue found a suspect,
16840 and after questioning, released him to be charged on summons.
16841 Their problem ... they cannot find a law against placing wombats in
16843 -- "Newcastle Morning Herald", NSW Australia, Aug 1980.
16845 "First World" nations are the ones where people drive Japanese cars;
16846 "Second World" nations are where First World residents go on vacation;
16847 and "Third World" nations are the ones where people still dive out of
16848 trees to prove their manhood.
16852 A glass-enclosed isolation cell where newly
16853 promoted managers are kept for observation.
16855 Fishing, with me, has always been an excuse to drink in the daytime.
16858 Five bicycles make a volkswagen, seven make a truck.
16861 Five is a sufficiently close approximation to infinity.
16864 Five names that I can hardly stand to hear,
16865 Including yours and mine and one more chimp who isn't here,
16866 I can see the ladies talking how the times is gettin' hard,
16867 And that fearsome excavation on Magnolia boulevard,
16868 Yes, I'm goin' insane,
16869 And I'm laughing at the frozen rain,
16870 Well, I'm so alone, honey when they gonna send me home?
16871 Bad sneakers and a pina colada my friend,
16872 Stopping on the avenue by Radio City, with a
16873 Transistor and a large sum of money to spend...
16874 You fellah, you tearin' up the street,
16875 You wear that white tuxedo, how you gonna beat the heat,
16876 Do you take me for a fool, do you think that I don't see,
16877 That ditch out in the Valley that they're diggin' just for me,
16878 Yes, and goin' insane,
16879 You know I'm laughin' at the frozen rain,
16880 Feel like I'm so alone, honey when they gonna send me home?
16882 -- Bad Sneakers, "Steely Dan"
16884 Five people -- an Englishman, Russian, American, Frenchman and Irishman
16885 were each asked to write a book on elephants. Some amount of time later they
16886 had all completed their respective books. The Englishman's book was entitled
16887 "The Elephant -- How to Collect Them", the Russian's "The Elephant -- Vol. I",
16888 the American's "The Elephant -- How to Make Money from Them", the Frenchman's
16889 "The Elephant -- Its Mating Habits" and the Irishman's "The Elephant and
16890 Irish Political History".
16892 Five rules for eternal misery:
16893 1) Always try to exhort others to look upon you favorably.
16894 2) Make lots of assumptions about situations and be sure to
16895 treat these assumptions as though they are reality.
16896 3) Then treat each new situation as though it's a crisis.
16897 4) Live in the past and future only (become obsessed with
16898 how much better things might have been or how much worse
16899 things might become).
16900 5) Occasionally stomp on yourself for being so stupid as to
16901 follow the first four rules.
16907 The plastic yoke that holds a six-pack of beer together.
16908 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
16911 Intelligence of mankind decreasing.
16912 Details at ... uh, when the little hand is on the ....
16914 Flattery is like cologne -- to be smelled, but not swallowed.
16917 Flattery will get you everywhere.
16919 Flee at once, all is discovered.
16921 Flirting is the gentle art of making a man feel pleased with himself.
16925 There is not now, and never will be, a language in
16926 which it is the least bit difficult to write bad programs.
16929 [From flow "to ripple down in rich profusion, as hair" + chart
16930 "a cryptic hidden-treasure map designed to mislead the uninitiated."]
16931 1. n. The solution, if any, to a class of Mascheroni
16932 construction problems in which given algorithms require geometrical
16933 representation using only the 35 basic ideograms of the ANSI
16934 template. 2. n. Neronic doodling while the system burns.
16935 3. n. A low-cost substitute for wallpaper. 4. n. The innumerate
16936 misleading the illiterate. "A thousand pictures is worth ten lines
16937 of code." --The Programmer's Little Red Vade Mecum, Mao Tse T'umps.
16938 5. v.intrans. To produce flowcharts with no particular object in mind.
16939 6. v.trans. To obfuscate (a problem) with esoteric cartoons.
16940 -- S. Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
16943 When you need to knock on wood is when you realize
16944 that the world is composed of vinyl, naugahyde and aluminum.
16946 Fly me away to the bright side of the moon ...
16948 Flying is the second greatest feeling you can have. The greatest feeling?
16949 Landing... Landing is the greatest feeling you can have.
16952 Excessively (often obnoxiously) bright lamps mounted on the fronts
16953 of automobiles; used on dry, clear nights to indicate that the
16954 driver's brain is in a fog. See also "Idiot Lights".
16956 "Follow me around. I don't care. I'm serious. If anybody wants to put a
16957 tail on me, go ahead. They'd be very bored."
16958 -- Gary Hart, announcing his presidential candidacy,
16959 commenting on rumors of womanizing.
16961 Foolproof Operation:
16962 No provision for adjustment.
16964 Fools rush in -- and get the best seats in the house.
16966 Football builds self-discipline. What else would induce
16967 a spectator to sit out in the open in subfreezing weather?
16969 Football combines the two worst features of American life.
16970 It is violence punctuated by committee meetings.
16971 -- George F. Will, "Men At Work: The Craft of Baseball"
16973 Football is a game designed to keep coalminers off the streets.
16976 For a holy stint, a moth of the cloth gave up his woolens for lint.
16978 For a light heart lives long.
16979 -- Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost"
16981 For adult education nothing beats children.
16983 For ages, a deadly conflict has been waged between a few brave men and
16984 women of thought and genius upon the one side, and the great ignorant
16985 religious mass on the other. This is the war between Science and Faith.
16986 The few have appealed to reason, to honor, to law, to freedom, to the
16987 known, and to happiness here in this world. The many have appealed to
16988 prejudice, to fear, to miracle, to slavery, to the unknown, and to
16989 misery hereafter. The few have said "Think". The many have said "Believe!"
16990 -- Robert Ingersoll, "Gods"
16992 For an idea to be fashionable is ominous,
16993 since it must afterwards be always old-fashioned.
16995 For certain people, after fifty, litigation takes the place of sex.
16998 For children with short attention spans: boomerangs that don't come back.
17000 For courage mounteth with occasion.
17001 -- William Shakespeare, "King John"
17003 For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
17006 For every bloke who makes his mark,
17007 there's half a dozen waiting to rub it out.
17010 For every credibility gap, there is a gullibility fill.
17013 For every human problem, there is a neat,
17014 plain solution -- and it is always wrong.
17017 For example, if \thinmskip = 3mu, this makes \thickmskip = 6mu. But if
17018 you also want to use \skip12 for horizontal glue, whether in math mode or
17019 not, the amount of skipping will be in points (e.g., 6pt). The rule is
17020 that glue in math mode varies with the size only when it is an \mskip;
17021 when moving between an mskipand ordinary skip, the conversion factor
17022 1mu=1pt is always used. The meaning of '\mskip\skip12' and
17023 '\baselineskip=\the\thickmskip' should be clear.
17024 -- Donald Knuth, TeX 82 -- Comparison with TeX80
17026 For fast-acting relief, try slowing down.
17028 For flavor, instant sex will never supersede the stuff you have to peel
17032 For fools rush in where angels fear to tread.
17041 For God's sake, stop researching for a while and begin to think!
17043 For good, return good.
17044 For evil, return justice.
17046 For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I do.
17047 -- Paul of Tarsus, (Saint Paul)
17049 For I swore I would stay a year away from her; out and alas!
17050 but with break of day I went to make supplication.
17051 -- Paulus Silentarius, c. 540 A.D.
17053 For if there is a sin against life, it consists perhaps not so much in
17054 despairing of life as in hoping for another life and in eluding the
17055 implacable grandeur of this life.
17058 For knighthood is not in the feats of war,
17059 As for to fight in quarrel right or wrong,
17060 But in a cause which truth cannot defer:
17061 He ought himself for to make sure and strong,
17062 Just to keep mixt with mercy among:
17063 And no quarrel a knight ought to take
17064 But for a truth, or for the common's sake.
17067 For men use, if they have an evil turn, to write it in marble:
17068 and whoso doth us a good turn we write it in dust.
17071 For most men life is a search for the proper manila envelope in which to
17072 get themselves filed.
17075 For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in
17076 the same room and let them fight it out.
17079 For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I
17080 put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
17083 For myself, I can only say that I am astonished and somewhat terrified at
17084 the results of this evening's experiments. Astonished at the wonderful
17085 power you have developed, and terrified at the thought that so much hideous
17086 and bad music may be put on record forever.
17087 -- Sir Arthur Sullivan, message to Edison, 1888
17089 For people who like that kind of book,
17090 that is the kind of book they will like.
17093 Parachute. Used once.
17094 Never opened. Slightly Stained.
17096 For some reason a glaze passes over people's faces when you say
17097 "Canada". Maybe we should invade South Dakota or something.
17098 -- Sandra Gotlieb, wife of the Canadian ambassador to the U.S.
17100 For some reason, this fortune reminds everyone of Marvin Zelkowitz.
17102 For that matter, compare your pocket computer with the
17103 massive jobs of a thousand years ago. Why not, then, the
17104 last step of doing away with computers altogether?"
17107 For the fashion of Minas Tirith was such that it was built on seven levels,
17108 each delved into a hill, and about each was set a wall, and in each wall
17110 -- J.R.R. Tolkien, "The Return of the King"
17112 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
17113 referring to system overview.]
17116 For the first time we have a weapon that nobody has used for thirty years.
17117 This gives me great hope for the human race.
17120 For the next hour, WE will control all that you see and hear.
17122 For thee the wonder-working earth puts forth sweet flowers.
17123 -- Titus Lucretius Carus
17125 For there are moments when one can neither think nor feel. And if one can
17126 neither think nor feel, she thought, where is one?
17127 -- Virginia Woolf, "To the Lighthouse"
17129 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
17130 referring to powerfail recovery.]
17132 For they starve the frightened little child
17133 Till it weeps both night and day:
17134 And they scourge the weak, and flog the fool,
17135 And gibe the old and grey,
17136 And some grow mad, and all grow bad,
17137 And none a word may say.
17139 Each narrow cell in which we dwell
17140 Is a foul and dark latrine,
17141 And the fetid breath of living Death
17142 Chokes up each grated screen,
17143 And all, but Lust, is turned to dust
17144 In Humanity's machine.
17146 And all men kill the thing they love,
17147 By all let this be heard,
17148 Some do it with a bitter look,
17149 Some with a flattering word,
17150 The coward does it with a kiss,
17151 The brave man with a sword.
17154 For thirty years a certain man went to spend every evening with Mme. ___.
17155 When his wife died his friends believed he would marry her, and urged
17156 him to do so. "No, no," he said: "if I did, where should I have to
17157 spend my evenings?"
17160 For those of you who have been unfortunate enough to never have tasted the
17161 'Great Chieftain O' the Pudden Race' (i.e. haggis) here is an easy to follow
17162 recipe which results in a dish remarkably similar to the above mentioned
17165 1 Sheep's Pluck (heart, lungs, liver) and bag
17166 2 teacupsful toasted oatmeal
17168 8 oz. shredded suet
17170 1/2 teaspoonful black pepper
17172 Scrape and clean bag in cold, then warm, water. Soak in salt water
17173 overnight. Wash pluck, then boil for 2 hours with windpipe draining over
17174 the side of pot. Retain 1 pint of stock. Cut off windpipe, remove surplus
17175 gristle, chop or mince heart and lungs, and grate best part of liver (about
17176 half only). Parboil and chop onions, mix all together with oatmeal, suet,
17177 salt, pepper and stock to moisten. Pack the mixture into bag, allowing for
17178 swelling. Boil for three hours, pricking regularly all over. If bag not
17179 available, steam in greased basin covered by greaseproof paper and cloth for
17180 four to five hours.
17182 For those who like this sort of thing, this is the sort of thing they like.
17185 For three days after death hair and fingernails
17186 continue to grow, but phone calls taper off.
17189 For years a secret shame destroyed my peace--
17190 I'd not read Eliot, Auden or MacNiece.
17191 But now I think a thought that brings me hope:
17192 Neither had Chaucer, Shakespeare, Milton, Pope.
17193 -- Justin Richardson.
17195 Force has no place where there is need of skill.
17198 "Force is but might," the teacher said--
17199 "That definition's just."
17200 The boy said naught but thought instead,
17201 Remembering his pounded head:
17202 "Force is not might but must!"
17205 If it breaks, well, it wasn't working anyway...
17206 No, don't force it, get a bigger hammer.
17208 FORCE YOURSELF TO RELAX!
17211 A prediction of the future, based on the past, for
17212 which the forecaster demands payment in the present.
17214 Forest fires cause Smokey Bears.
17217 A gift of God bestowed upon debtors in compensation for
17218 their destitution of conscience.
17220 Forgive and forget.
17224 for he believes that the customs of his tribe are the laws of nature!
17227 Forgive, O Lord, my little jokes on Thee
17228 And I'll forgive Thy great big one on me.
17231 Forgive your enemies, but don't forget their names.
17234 Forsan et haec olim meminisse juvabit.
17238 FORTRAN is a good example of a language
17239 which is easier to parse using ad hoc techniques.
17241 [What's good about it? Ed.]
17243 FORTRAN is for pipe stress freaks and crystallography weenies.
17245 FORTRAN is not a flower but a weed -- it is hardy,
17246 occasionally blooms, and grows in every computer.
17249 FORTRAN is the language of Powerful Computers.
17252 FORTRAN rots the brain.
17255 FORTRAN, "the infantile disorder", by now nearly 20 years old, is hopelessly
17256 inadequate for whatever computer application you have in mind today: it is
17257 too clumsy, too risky, and too expensive to use.
17258 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5
17260 [FORTRAN] will persist for some time --
17261 probably for at least the next decade.
17264 Fortunate is he for whom the belle toils.
17266 Fortunately, the responsibility for providing evidence is on the part of
17267 the person making the claim, not the critic. It is not the responsibility
17268 of UFO skeptics to prove that a UFO has never existed, nor is it the
17269 responsibility of paranormal-health-claims skeptics to prove that crystals
17270 or colored lights never healed anyone. The skeptic's role is to point out
17271 claims that are not adequately supported by acceptable evidence and to
17272 provide plausible alternative explanations that are more in keeping with
17273 the accepted body of scientific evidence.
17274 -- Thomas L. Creed, The Skeptical Inquirer, Vol. XII,
17277 Fortune and love befriend the bold.
17280 FORTUNE ANSWERS THE TOUGH QUESTIONS: #3
17282 Q: Why haven't you graduated yet?
17283 A: Well, Dad, I could have finished years ago, but I wanted
17284 my dissertation to rhyme.
17286 FORTUNE ANSWERS THE TOUGH QUESTIONS: #8
17289 A: No, He's a mythter.
17291 fortune: cannot execute. Out of cookies.
17293 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #14
17296 Let's say a man and woman are watching a boxing match on TV. One
17297 of the boxers is felled by a low blow. The woman says "Oh, gee. That must
17298 hurt." The man doubles over and actually FEELS the pain.
17301 A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the
17302 garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up
17303 for: weddings, funerals. Speaking of weddings, when reminiscing about
17304 weddings, women talk about "the ceremony". Men laugh about "the bachelor
17308 Men think David Letterman is the funniest man on the face of the
17309 Earth. Women think he is a mean, semi-dorky guy who always has a bad
17312 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #16
17315 First of all, a man does not call a relationship a relationship -- he
17316 refers to it as "that time when me and Suzie were doing it on a semi-regular
17318 When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to
17319 her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are Idiots". Then
17320 she will get on with her life.
17321 A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the
17322 breakup, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, "I just
17323 wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I
17324 hate you, and you're a total floozy. But I want you to know that there's
17325 always a chance for us". This is known as the "I Hate You / I Love You"
17326 drunken phone call, that 99% if all men have made at least once. There are
17327 community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need; alas,
17328 these classes rarely prove effective.
17330 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #17
17333 The average man has 4 pairs of footwear: running shoes, dress shoes,
17334 boots, and slippers. The average woman has shoes 4 layers thick on the floor
17335 of her closet. Most of them hurt her feet.
17338 A woman will meet another woman with common interests, do a few things
17339 together, and say something like, "I hope we can be good friends."
17340 A man will meet another man with common interests, do a few things
17341 together, and say nothing. After years of interacting with this other man,
17342 sharing hopes and fears that he wouldn't confide in his priest or
17343 psychiatrist, he'll finally let down his guard in a fit of drunken
17344 sentimentality and say something like, "You know, for someone who's such a
17345 jerk, I guess you're OK."
17347 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #2
17350 A woman will generally admire an ornate dessert for the artistic
17351 work it is, praising its creator and waiting a suitable interval before
17352 she reluctantly takes a small sliver off one edge. A man will start by
17353 grabbing the cherry in the center.
17356 The average man thinks his Y chromosome contains complete repair
17357 manuals for every car made since World War II. He will work on a problem
17358 himself until it either goes away or turns into something that "can't be
17359 fixed without special tools".
17360 The average woman thinks "that funny thump-thump noise" is an
17361 accurate description of an automotive problem. She will, however, have the
17362 car serviced at the proper intervals and thereby incur fewer problems than
17365 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #4
17368 When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about "the ceremony".
17369 Men talk about "the bachelor party".
17372 Men don't discard clothes. The average man still has the gym shirt
17373 he wore in high school. He thinks a jacket is "just getting broken in" about
17374 the time it develops holes in the elbows. A man will let new shirts sit on
17375 the shelf in their original packaging for a couple of years before putting
17376 them to use, hoping they'll become more comfortable with age.
17377 Women think clothes are radioactive, with a half-life of one year.
17378 They exercise precautions to avoid contamination by last year's fashions.
17380 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #5
17383 The average woman would really like to be told if her mate is fooling
17384 around behind her back. This same woman wouldn't tell her best friend if
17385 she knew the best friends' mate was having an affair. She'll tell all her
17386 OTHER friends, however. The average man won't say anything if he knows that
17387 one of his friend's mates is fooling around, and he'd rather not know if
17388 his mate is having an affair either, out of fear that it might be with one
17389 of his friends. He will tell all his friends about his own affairs, though,
17390 so they can be ready if he needs an alibi.
17394 A typical man thinks he's Mario Andretti as soon as he slips behind
17395 the wheel of his car. The fact that it's an 8-year-old Honda doesn't keep
17396 him from trying to out-accelerate the guy in the Porsche who's attempting
17397 to cut him off; freeway on-ramps are exciting challenges to see who has The
17398 Right Stuff on the morning commute. Does he or doesn't he? Only his body
17399 shop knows for sure. Insurance companies understand this behavior, and
17400 price their policies accordingly.
17401 A woman will slow down to let a car merge in front of her, and get
17402 rear-ended by another woman who was busy adding the finishing touches to
17405 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #6
17408 A man has six items in his bathroom -- a toothbrush, toothpaste,
17409 shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.
17410 The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man
17411 would not be able to identify most of these items.
17414 A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes to the store
17415 and buys these things. A man waits 'til the only items left in his fridge
17416 are half a lime and a Blue Ribbon. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys
17417 everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter,
17418 his cart is packed tighter that the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies.
17419 Of course, this will not stop him from entering the 10-items-or-less lane.
17421 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #8
17424 When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to go
17425 out. When a woman says she is ready to go out, it means she WILL be ready
17426 to go out, as soon as she finds her earring, finishes putting on her makeup,
17427 checks on the kids, makes a phone call to her best friend...
17430 Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't
17431 looking, men kick cats.
17434 Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows
17435 about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends
17436 and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. Men are vaguely
17437 aware of some short people living in the house.
17439 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #9
17442 Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article
17443 of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight
17444 years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes,
17445 he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain
17446 of clothes to the laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at
17447 the laundromat. This is a myth.
17450 If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle get together for lunch,
17451 they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle. But if
17452 Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately
17453 refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Godzilla, Peanut Brain and Useless.
17456 Men wear sensible socks. They wear standard white sweatsocks.
17457 Women wear strange socks. They are cut way below the ankles, have pictures
17458 of clouds on them, and have a big fuzzy ball on the back.
17460 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #10
17463 Bogart stars as the owner of a north african nightclub that sells
17464 only Mexican beer. Of course, this policy gets him into no end of
17465 trouble with the local French authorities who would really prefer
17466 wine and the occupying Germans who believe that only their beer is
17467 fit to be sold. Wacky events ensue until the gripping climax in
17468 which the much-hated German beer distributer is drowned in a vat.
17470 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #11
17473 Peter Weir's classic film examining the false heroism of parlour
17474 games. The powerful ending of the film sees one young man after
17475 another charge toward GO, only to senselessly lose his life on the
17476 Boardwalk property.
17478 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #12
17480 O.E.D.: David Lean, 1969, 3 hours 30 min.
17482 Lean's version of the Oxford Dictionary has been accused of
17483 shallowness in its treatment of a complete work. Omar Sharif
17484 tends to overact as aardvark, but Alec Guiness is solid in
17485 the role of abbacy. As usual, the photography is stunning.
17486 With Julie Christie.
17488 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #3
17490 MIRACLE ON 42ND STREET:
17491 Santa Claus, in the off season, follows his heart's desire and
17492 tries to make it big on Broadway. Santa sings and dances his way
17495 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #4
17498 Peter Weir directs Sylvester Stallone in the most challenging role
17499 of his career. Stallone plays a Philadelphia police officer on the
17500 run from corrupt officials. He is wounded and then nursed back to
17501 health by Amish Mennonites. Fearful that they might unwittingly
17502 reveal his hiding place, he blows them all away.
17504 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #5
17506 THE ATOMIC GRANDMOTHER:
17507 This humorous but heart-warming story tells of an elderly woman
17508 forced to work at a nuclear power plant in order to help the family
17509 make ends meet. At night, granny sits on the porch, tells tales
17510 of her colorful past, and the family uses her to cook barbecues
17511 and to power small electrical appliances. Maureen Stapleton gives
17512 a glowing performance.
17514 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #6
17516 RAZORBACK: Paul Harbride, 1984, 2 hours 25 min.
17517 One of the great Australian films of the early 1980's,
17518 and arguably the best movie ever made about a large,
17519 man-eating hog. Some violence. With Gregory Harrison.
17521 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #7
17523 OUT OF "OUT OF AFRICA":
17524 This film is a compilation of selected news clips depicting audiences
17525 frantically pushing and shoving to get out of theatres where "Out of
17526 Africa" is showing. Many people are trampled to death in the frenzy.
17527 Due to its violence and offensive language, not recommended for
17530 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #8
17532 THE SMURFS AND THE CUISINART (1986)
17533 The lovable little blue Smurfs encounter a lovable little kitchen
17534 appliance, which invites them to play. The Smurfs learn a valuable
17535 (if sometimes fatal) lesson.
17537 THE SMURFS AND THE CARBON-DIOXIDE INDUSTRIAL LASER (1987)
17538 The inevitable sequel. The lovable and somewhat mangled surviving
17539 Smurfs team up with the Care Bears to encounter a cute, lovable piece
17540 of high-tech welding equipment, which teaches them the magic of
17541 becoming rather greasy smoke. Heartwarming fun for the entire family.
17543 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #9
17545 THE PARKING PROBLEM IN PARIS: Jean-Luc Godard, 1971, 7 hours 18 min.
17547 Godard's meditation on the topic has been described as
17548 everything from "timeless" to "endless." (Remade by Gene
17549 Wilder as NO PLACE TO PARK.)
17551 Fortune Documents the Great Legal Decisions:
17553 It is a rule of evidence deduced from the experience of mankind and
17554 supported by reason and authority that positive testimony is entitled to
17555 more weight than negative testimony, but by the latter term is meant
17556 negative testimony in its true sense and not positive evidence of a
17557 negative, because testimony in support of a negative may be as positive
17558 as that in support of an affirmative.
17559 -- 254 Pac. Rep. 472.
17561 Fortune Documents the Great Legal Decisions:
17563 We can imagine no reason why, with ordinary care, human toes could not be
17564 left out of chewing tobacco, and if toes are found in chewing tobacco, it
17565 seems to us that someone has been very careless.
17568 Fortune Documents the Great Legal Decisions:
17570 We think that we may take judicial notice of the fact that the term "bitch"
17571 may imply some feeling of endearment when applied to a female of the canine
17572 species but that it is seldom, if ever, so used when applied to a female
17573 of the human race. Coming as it did, reasonably close on the heels of two
17574 revolver shots directed at the person of whom it was probably used, we think
17575 it carries every reasonable implication of ill-will toward that person.
17576 -- Smith v. Moran, 193 N.E. 2d 466.
17578 FORTUNE EXPLAINS WHAT JOB REVIEW CATCH PHRASES MEAN: #1
17580 skilled oral communicator:
17581 Mumbles inaudibly when attempting to speak. Talks to self.
17582 Argues with self. Loses these arguments.
17584 skilled written communicator:
17585 Scribbles well. Memos are invariable illegible, except for
17586 the portions that attribute recent failures to someone else.
17589 With proper guidance, periodic counseling, and remedial training,
17590 the reviewee may, given enough time and close supervision, meet
17591 the minimum requirements expected of him by the company.
17593 key company figure:
17594 Serves as the perfect counter example.
17596 FORTUNE EXPLAINS WHAT JOB REVIEW CATCH PHRASES MEAN: #4
17599 Reviewee hasn't gotten anything right yet, and it is anticipated
17600 that this pattern will continue throughout the coming year.
17602 an excellent sounding board:
17603 Present reviewee with any number of alternatives, and implement
17604 them in the order precisely opposite of his/her specification.
17606 a planner and organizer:
17607 Usually manages to put on socks before shoes. Can match the
17608 animal tags on his clothing.
17610 FORTUNE EXPLAINS WHAT JOB REVIEW CATCH PHRASES MEAN: #9
17612 has management potential:
17613 Because of his intimate relationship with inanimate objects, the
17614 reviewee has been appointed to the critical position of department
17618 A true inspiration to others. ("There, but for the grace of God,
17622 Passes wind, water, or out depending upon the severity of the
17626 Continually sets low goals for himself, and usually fails
17629 Fortune favors the lucky.
17631 Fortune finishes the great quotations, #12
17633 Those who can, do. Those who can't, write the instructions.
17635 Fortune finishes the great quotations, #15
17637 "Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses."
17638 And while you're at it, throw in a couple of those Dallas
17639 Cowboy cheerleaders.
17641 Fortune finishes the great quotations, #17
17643 "This bud of love, by summer's ripening breath,
17644 May prove a beauteous flower when next we meet."
17645 Juliet, this bud's for you.
17647 Fortune finishes the great quotations, #2
17649 If at first you don't succeed, think how many people
17652 Fortune finishes the great quotations, #21
17654 Shall I compare thee to a Summer day?
17657 Fortune finishes the great quotations, #3
17659 Birds of a feather flock to a newly washed car.
17661 Fortune finishes the great quotations, #6
17663 "But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?"
17664 It's nothing, honey. Go back to sleep.
17666 Fortune finishes the great quotations, #9
17668 A word to the wise is often enough to start an argument.
17670 fortune: No such file or directory
17675 USEFUL PHRASES IN ESPERANTO, #1.
17677 ^Cu vi parolas angle? Do you speak English?
17678 Mi ne komprenas. I don't understand.
17679 Vi estas la sola esperantisto kiun mi You're the only Esperanto speaker
17680 renkontas. I've met.
17681 La ^ceko estas enpo^stigita. The check is in the mail.
17682 Oni ne povas, ^gin netrovi. You can't miss it.
17683 Mi nur rigardadas. I'm just looking around.
17684 Nu, ^sajnis bona ideo. Well, it seemed like a good idea.
17687 USEFUL PHRASES IN ESPERANTO, #2.
17689 ^Cu tiu loko estas okupita? Is this seat taken?
17690 ^Cu vi ofte venas ^ci-tien? Do you come here often?
17691 ^Cu mi povas havi via telelonnumeron? May I have your phone number?
17692 Mi estas komputilisto. I work with computers.
17693 Mi legas multe da scienca fikcio. I read a lot of science fiction.
17694 ^Cu necesas ke vi eliras? Do you really have to be going?
17697 USEFUL PHRASES IN ESPERANTO, #5.
17699 Mi ^cevalovipus vin se mi havus I'd horsewhip you if I had a horse.
17701 Vere vi ^sercas. You must be kidding.
17702 Nu, parDOOOOOnu min! Well exCUUUUUSE me!
17703 Kiu invitis vin? Who invited you?
17704 Kion vi diris pri mia patrino? What did you say about my mother?
17705 Bu^so^stopu min per kulero. Gag me with a spoon.
17707 FORTUNE PRESENTS FAMOUS LAST WORDS: #4
17709 Socrates: I DRANK WHAT!?!?
17710 Tarzan: Who greased the grape viiiiiiiiiiiinnnneee........
17711 Al Capone: There's a violin in my violin case!
17712 Pilot, TWA Fl. #343: What's a mountain goat doing 'way up here?
17714 FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #13
17716 A: Doc, Happy, Bashful, Dopey, Sneezy, Sleepy, & Grumpy
17717 Q: Who were the Democratic presidential candidates?
17719 FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #15
17721 A: The Royal Canadian Mounted Police.
17722 Q: What was the greatest achievement in taxidermy?
17724 FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #19
17726 A: To be or not to be.
17727 Q: What is the square root of 4b^2?
17729 FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #21
17731 A: Dr. Livingston I. Presume.
17732 Q: What's Dr. Presume's full name?
17734 FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #31
17736 A: Chicken Teriyaki.
17737 Q: What is the name of the world's oldest kamikaze pilot?
17739 FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #4
17741 A: Go west, young man, go west!
17742 Q: What do wabbits do when they get tiwed of wunning awound?
17744 FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #5
17746 A: The Halls of Montezuma and the Shores of Tripoli.
17747 Q: Name two families whose kids won't join the Marines.
17749 FORTUNE REMEMBERS THE GREAT MOTHERS: #5
17751 "And, and, and, and, but, but, but, but!"
17752 -- Mrs. Janice Markowsky, April 8, 1965
17754 FORTUNE REMEMBERS THE GREAT MOTHERS: #6
17756 "Johnny, if you fall and break your leg, don't come running to me!"
17757 -- Mrs. Emily Barstow, June 16, 1954
17759 Fortune suggests uses for YOUR favorite UNIX commands!
17763 drink < bottle; opener (Bourne Shell)
17764 cat "food in tin cans" (all but 4.[23]BSD)
17765 Hey UNIX! Got a match? (V6 or C shell)
17766 mkdir matter; cat > matter (Bourne Shell)
17768 man: Why did you get a divorce? (C shell)
17769 date me (anything up to 4.3BSD)
17770 make "heads or tails of all this"
17773 If I had a ) for every dollar of the national debt, what would I have?
17774 sleep with me (anything up to 4.3BSD)
17776 Fortune's current rates:
17780 Answers requiring thought .50
17781 Correct answers $1.00
17783 Dumb looks are still free.
17785 Fortune's diet truths:
17786 1: Forget what the cookbooks say, plain yogurt tastes nothing like sour cream.
17787 2: Any recipe calling for soybeans tastes like mud.
17788 3: Carob is not an acceptable substitute for chocolate. In fact, carob is not
17789 an acceptable substitute for anything, except, perhaps, brown shoe polish.
17790 4: There is no such thing as a "fun salad." So let's stop pretending and see
17791 salads for what they are: God's punishment for being fat.
17792 5: Fruit salad without maraschino cherries and marshmallows is about as
17793 appealing as tepid beer.
17794 6: A world lacking gravy is a tragic place!
17795 7: You should immediately pass up any recipes entitled "luscious and
17796 low-cal." Also skip dishes featuring "lively liver." They aren't and
17798 8: Wearing a blindfold often makes many diet foods more palatable.
17799 9: Fresh fruit is not dessert. CAKE is dessert!
17800 10: Okra tastes slightly worse than its name implies.
17801 11: A plain baked potato isn't worth the effort involved in chewing and
17804 Fortune's Exercising Truths:
17806 1: Richard Simmons gets paid to exercise like a lunatic. You don't.
17807 2. Aerobic exercises stimulate and speed up the heart. So do heart attacks.
17808 3. Exercising around small children can scar them emotionally for life.
17809 4. Sweating like a pig and gasping for breath is not refreshing.
17810 5. No matter what anyone tells you, isometric exercises cannot be done
17811 quietly at your desk at work. People will suspect manic tendencies as
17812 you twitter around in your chair.
17813 6. Next to burying bones, the thing a dog enjoys mosts is tripping joggers.
17814 7. Locking four people in a tiny, cement-walled room so they can run around
17815 for an hour smashing a little rubber ball -- and each other -- with a hard
17816 racket should immediately be recognized for what it is: a form of insanity.
17817 8. Fifty push-ups, followed by thirty sit-ups, followed by ten chin-ups,
17818 followed by one throw-up.
17819 9. Any activity that can't be done while smoking should be avoided.
17821 FORTUNE'S FAVORITE RECIPES: #8
17824 1 or 2 quarts rum 1 tbsp. baking powder
17825 1 cup butter 1 tsp. soda
17826 1 tsp. sugar 1 tbsp. lemon juice
17827 2 large eggs 2 cups brown sugar
17828 2 cups dried assorted fruit 3 cups chopped English walnuts
17830 Before you start, sample the rum to check for quality. Good, isn't it? Now
17831 select a large mixing bowl, measuring cup, etc. Check the rum again. It
17832 must be just right. Be sure the rum is of the highest quality. Pour one cup
17833 of rum into a glass and drink it as fast as you can. Repeat. With an electric
17834 mixer, beat one cup butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add 1 seaspoon of tugar
17835 and beat again. Meanwhile, make sure the rum teh absolutely highest quality.
17836 Sample another cup. Open second quart as necessary. Add 2 orge laggs, 2 cups
17837 of fried druit and beat untill high. If the fried druit gets stuck in the
17838 beaters, just pry it loose with a screwdriver. Sample the rum again, checking
17839 for toncisticity. Next sift 3 cups of baking powder, a pinch of rum, a
17840 seaspoon of toda and a cup of pepper or salt (it really doesn't matter).
17841 Sample some more. Sift 912 pint of lemon juice. Fold in schopped butter and
17842 strained chups. Add bablespoon of brown gugar, or whatever color you have.
17843 Mix mell. Grease oven and turn cake pan to 350 gredees and rake until
17844 poothtick comes out crean.
17846 FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #1
17847 A guinea pig is not from Guinea but a rodent from South America.
17848 A firefly is not a fly, but a beetle.
17849 A giant panda bear is really a member of the racoon family.
17850 A black panther is really a leopard that has a solid black coat
17851 rather then a spotted one.
17852 Peanuts are not really nuts. The majority of nuts grow on trees
17853 while peanuts grow underground. They are classified as a
17854 legume-part of the pea family.
17855 A cucumber is not a vegetable but a fruit.
17857 FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #14
17858 The Baby Ruth candy bar was not named after George Herman "The Babe"
17859 Ruth, but after the oldest daughter of President Grover Cleveland.
17861 FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #37
17862 Can you name the seven seas?
17863 Antartic, Artic, North Atlantic, South Atlantic, Indian,
17864 North Pacific, South Pacific.
17865 Can you name the seven dwarfs from Snow White?
17866 Doc, Dopey, Sneezy, Happy, Grumpy, Sleepy and Bashful.
17868 FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #44
17869 Zebra's are colored with dark stripes on a light background.
17871 FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #108
17873 In Memphis, Tennessee, it is illegal for a woman to drive a car unless
17874 there is a man either running or walking in front of it waving a red
17875 flag to warn approaching motorists and pedestrians.
17877 FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #14
17878 According to Kentucky state law, every person must take a bath
17879 at least once a year.
17881 FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #16
17883 The Arkansas legislature passed a law that states that the Arkansas River
17884 can rise no higher than to the Main Street bridge in Little Rock.
17886 FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #19
17887 A Los Angeles judge ruled that "a citizen may snore with immunity in
17888 his own home, even though he may be in possession of unusual and exceptional
17889 ability in that particular field."
17891 FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #1
17893 In Blythe, California, a city ordinance declares that a person must own
17894 at least two cows before he can wear cowboy boots in public.
17896 FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #2
17897 Horses are forbidden to eat fire hydrants in Marshalltown, Iowa.
17899 FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #3
17900 A New York City judge ruled that if two women behind you at the
17901 movies insist on discussing the probable outcome of the film, you have the
17902 right to turn around and blow a Bronx cheer at them.
17904 FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #8
17906 Idaho state law makes it illegal for a man to give his sweetheart
17907 a box of candy weighing less than fifty pounds.
17909 Fortune's Great Moments in History: #3
17912 A Hall of Fame opened to honor outstanding members of the
17913 Women's Air Corp. It was a WAC's Museum.
17915 FORTUNE'S GUIDE TO DEALING WITH REAL-LIFE SCIENCE FICTION: #14
17917 if reality disappears?
17918 Hope this one doesn't happen to you. There isn't much that you
17919 can do about it. It will probably be quite unpleasant.
17921 if you meet an older version of yourself who has invented a time
17922 traveling machine, and has come from the future to meet you?
17923 Play this one by the book. Ask about the stock market and cash in.
17924 Don't forget to invent a time traveling machine and visit your
17925 younger self before you die, or you will create a paradox. If you
17926 expect this to be tricky, make sure to ask for the principles
17927 behind time travel, and possibly schematics. Never, NEVER, ask
17928 when you'll die, or if you'll marry your current SO.
17930 FORTUNE'S GUIDE TO DEALING WITH REAL-LIFE SCIENCE FICTION: #2
17932 if you get a phone call from Mars:
17933 Speak slowly and be sure to enunciate your words properly. Limit
17934 your vocabulary to simple words. Try to determine if you are
17935 speaking to someone in a leadership capacity, or an ordinary citizen.
17937 if he, she or it doesn't speak English?
17938 Hang up. There's no sense in trying to learn Martian over the phone.
17939 If your Martian really had something important to say to you, he, she
17940 or it would have taken the trouble to learn the language before
17943 if you get a phone call from Jupiter?
17944 Explain to your caller, politely but firmly, that being from Jupiter,
17945 he, she or it is not "life as we know it". Try to terminate the
17946 conversation as soon as possible. It will not profit you, and the
17947 charges may have been reversed.
17949 FORTUNE'S GUIDE TO DEALING WITH REAL-LIFE SCIENCE FICTION: #6
17951 if a starship, equipped with an FTL hyperdrive lands in your backyard?
17952 First of all, do not run after your camera. You will not have any
17953 film, and, given the state of computer animation, noone will believe
17954 you anyway. Be polite. Remember, if they have an FTL hyperdrive,
17955 they can probably vaporize you, should they find you to be rude.
17956 Direct them to the White House lawn, which is where they probably
17957 wanted to land, anyway. A good road map should help.
17959 if you wake up in the middle of the night, and discover that your
17960 closet contains an alternate dimension?
17961 Don't walk in. You almost certainly will not be able to get back,
17962 and alternate dimensions are almost never any fun. Remain calm
17963 and go back to bed. Close the door first, so that the cat does not
17964 wander off. Check your closet in the morning. If it still contains
17965 an alternate dimension, nail it shut.
17967 Fortune's Guide to Freshman Notetaking:
17969 WHEN THE PROFESSOR SAYS: YOU WRITE:
17971 Probably the greatest quality of the poetry John Milton -- born 1608
17972 of John Milton, who was born in 1608, is the
17973 combination of beauty and power. Few have
17974 excelled him in the use of the English language,
17975 or for that matter, in lucidity of verse form,
17976 'Paradise Lost' being said to be the greatest
17977 single poem ever written."
17979 Current historians have come to Most of the problems that now
17980 doubt the complete advantageousness face the United States are
17981 of some of Roosevelt's policies... directly traceable to the
17982 bungling and greed of President
17985 ... it is possible that we simply do Professor Mitchell is a
17986 not understand the Russian viewpoint... communist.
17988 Fortune's nomination for All-Time Champion and Protector of Youthful Morals
17989 goes to Representative Clare E. Hoffman of Michigan. During an impassioned
17990 House debate over a proposed bill to "expand oyster and clam research," a
17991 sharp-eared informant transcribed the following exchange between our hero
17992 and Rep. John D. Dingell, also of Michigan.
17994 Dingell: "There are places in the world at the present time where we are
17995 having to artificially propagate oysters and clams."
17996 Hoffman: "You mean the oysters I buy are not nature's oysters?"
17997 Dingell: "They may or may not be natural. The simple fact of the matter is
17998 that female oysters through their living habits cast out large
17999 amounts of seed and the male oysters cast out large amounts of
18001 Hoffman: "Wait a minute! I do not want to go into that. There are many
18002 teenagers who read The Congressional Record."
18004 FORTUNE'S PARTY TIPS: #14
18006 Tired of finding that other people are helping themselves to
18007 your good liquor at BYOB parties? Take along a candle, which you insert
18008 and light after you've opened the bottle. No one ever expects anything
18009 drinkable to be in a bottle which has a candle stuck in its neck.
18011 Fortune's Rules for Memo Wars: #2
18013 Given the incredible advances in sociocybernetics and telepsychology over
18014 the last few years, we are now able to completely understand everything that
18015 the author of an memo is trying to say. Thanks to modern developments
18016 in electrocommunications like notes, vnews, and electricity, we have an
18017 incredible level of interunderstanding the likes of which civilization has
18018 never known. Thus, the possibility of your misinterpreting someone else's
18019 memo is practically nil. Knowing this, anyone who accuses you of having
18020 done so is a liar, and should be treated accordingly. If you *do* understand
18021 the memo in question, but have absolutely nothing of substance to say, then
18022 you have an excellent opportunity for a vicious ad hominem attack. In fact,
18023 the only *inappropriate* times for an ad hominem attack are as follows:
18025 1: When you agree completely with the author of an memo.
18026 2: When the author of the original memo is much bigger than you are.
18027 3: When replying to one of your own memos.
18029 FORTUNE'S RULES TO LIVE BY: #2
18031 Never goose a wolverine.
18033 FORTUNE'S RULES TO LIVE BY: #23
18035 Don't cut off a police car when making an illegal U-turn.
18037 Forty isn't old, if you're a tree.
18039 Four be the things I am wiser to know:
18040 Idleness, sorrow, a friend, and a foe.
18042 Four be the things I'd been better without:
18043 Love, curiosity, freckles, and doubt.
18045 Three be the things I shall never attain:
18046 Envy, content, and sufficient champagne.
18048 Three be the things I shall have till I die:
18049 Laughter and hope and a sock in the eye.
18052 Four be the things I'd been better without:
18053 Love, curiosity, freckles, and doubt.
18054 -- Dorothy Parker, "Not So Deep as a Well"
18056 Four fifths of the perjury in the world is expended on
18057 tombstones, women and competitors.
18058 -- Lord Thomas Dewar
18060 Four hours to bury the cat?
18061 Yes, damn thing wouldn't keep still, kept mucking about, 'owling...
18063 Fourteen years in the professor dodge has taught me that one can argue
18064 ingeniously on behalf of any theory, applied to any piece of literature.
18065 This is rarely harmful, because normally no-one reads such essays.
18066 -- Robert Parker, quoted in "Murder Ink", ed. D. Wynn
18068 Fourth Law of Applied Terror:
18069 The night before the English History mid-term, your Biology
18070 instructor will assign 200 pages on planaria.
18073 Every instructor assumes that you have nothing else to do except
18074 study for that instructor's course.
18076 Fourth Law of Revision:
18077 It is usually impractical to worry beforehand about
18078 interferences -- if you have none, someone will make one
18081 Frankly, Scarlett, I don't have a fix.
18084 Fraud is the homage that force pays to reason.
18085 -- Charles Curtis, "A Commonplace Book"
18087 Free Speech Is The Right To Shout 'Theater' In A Crowded Fire.
18088 -- A Yippie Proverb
18090 Freedom begins when you tell Mrs. Grundy to go fly a kite.
18092 Freedom from incrustation of grime is contiguous to rectitude.
18094 Freedom is nothing else but the chance to do better.
18097 Freedom is slavery.
18098 Ignorance is strength.
18102 Freedom of the press is for those who happen to own one.
18104 Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose.
18105 -- Kris Kristofferson, "Me and Bobby McGee"
18107 Fremen add life to spice!
18109 Fresco's Discovery:
18110 If you knew what you were doing you'd probably be bored.
18112 Friction is a drag.
18115 Increased automation of clerical function
18116 invariably results in increased operational costs.
18118 Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
18122 People who borrow your books and set wet glasses on them.
18124 People who know you well, but like you anyway.
18126 Friends, Romans, Hipsters,
18127 Let me clue you in;
18128 I come to put down Caeser, not to groove him.
18129 The square kicks some cats are on stay with them;
18130 The hip bits, like, go down under; so let it lay with Caeser.
18131 The cool Brutus gave you the message: Caeser had big eyes;
18132 If that's the sound, someone's copping a plea,
18133 And, like, old Caeser really set them straight.
18134 Here, copacetic with Brutus and the studs, -- for Brutus is a
18136 So are they all, all cool cats, --
18137 Come I to make this gig at Caeser's laying down.
18139 Friendships last when each friend thinks he has a slight superiority
18143 Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die,
18144 your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
18146 From 0 to "what seems to be the problem officer" in 8.3 seconds.
18147 -- Ad for the new VW Corrado
18149 From a certain point onward there is no longer any turning back.
18150 That is the point that must be reached.
18153 From Italian tourist guide:
18155 "Non stop trains to Roma Termini Station leave from 7.38
18156 a.m. to 10.08 p.m., hourly."
18158 From listening comes wisdom and from speaking repentance.
18160 From the cradle to the coffin underwear comes first.
18163 From the crystal swirling waters,
18165 To the sacred halls of Bayonne,
18166 Where we stand pajamas on. (It's the only thing that rhymes.)
18167 From ev'ry hallowed venue,
18168 Ev'ry forest, mount and vale,
18169 Your butt is on the menu
18170 And the check is in the mail.
18171 -- The Piranha Club Anthem, to the tune of "De Camptown Races"
18173 From the moment I picked your book up until I put it down I was
18174 convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
18177 From the pages of Open Systems Today - October 13, 1994 ..........
18179 "The International Standards Organization (ISO) and the
18180 International Electrotechnical Commission (IEC) designated
18181 October 14 as World Standards Day to recognize those
18182 volunteers who have worked hard to define international
18183 standards.......The United States celebrated World Standards
18184 Day on October 11; Finland celebrated on October 13; and
18185 Italy celebrated on October 18."
18187 From too much love of living,
18188 From hope and fear set free,
18189 We thank with brief thanksgiving,
18190 Whatever gods may be,
18191 That no life lives forever,
18192 That dead men rise up never,
18193 That even the weariest river winds somewhere safe to sea.
18196 F.S. Fitzgerald to Hemingway:
18197 "Ernest, the rich are different from us."
18199 "Yes. They have more money."
18201 Fudd's First Law of Opposition:
18202 Push something hard enough and it will fall over.
18205 Get a can of shaving cream, throw it in a freezer for about a week.
18206 Then take it out, peel the metal off and put it where you want...
18207 bedroom, car, etc. As it thaws, it expands an unbelievable amount.
18210 In table tennis, whoever gets 21 points first wins. That's how
18211 it once was in baseball -- whoever got 21 runs first won.
18214 The name California was given to the state by Spanish conquistadores.
18215 It was the name of an imaginary island, a paradise on earth, in the
18216 Spanish romance, "Les Serges de Esplandian", written by Montalvo in
18221 Fundamentally, there may be no basis for anything.
18224 Having to wander through a maze of ropes at an airport or bank
18225 even when you are the only person in line.
18226 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
18229 Having to wander through a maze of ropes at an airport or bank
18230 even when you are the only person in line.
18231 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
18233 Furious activity is no substitute for understanding.
18236 Furious activity is no substitute for understanding.
18239 Furthermore, if we send something by car, it's a shipment...
18240 but if we send it by ship, it's cargo.
18242 Future looks spotty. You will spill soup in late evening.
18244 Future will arrive by its own means. Progress not so.
18245 -- Poul Henningsen [1894-1967]
18247 Gaiety is the most outstanding feature of the Soviet Union.
18250 Galbraith's Law of Human Nature:
18251 Faced with the choice between changing one's mind and proving that
18252 there is no need to do so, almost everybody gets busy on the proof.
18254 Garbage In - Gospel Out.
18256 Gauls! We have nothing to fear; except perhaps that the sky may fall on
18257 our heads tomorrow. But as we all know, tomorrow never comes!!
18258 -- Adventures of Asterix
18260 Gay shlafen: Yiddish for "go to sleep".
18262 Now doesn't "gay shlafen" have a softer, more soothing sound than the
18263 harsh, staccato "go to sleep"? Listen to the difference:
18264 "Go to sleep, you little wretch!" ... "Gay shlafen, darling."
18266 Clearly the best thing you can do for you children is to start
18267 speaking Yiddish right now and never speak another word of English as
18268 long as you live. This will, of course, entail teaching Yiddish to all
18269 your friends, business associates, the people at the supermarket, and
18270 so on, but that's just the point. It has to start with committed
18271 individuals and then grow....
18272 Some minor adjustments will have to be made, of course: those
18273 signs written in what look like Yiddish letters won't be funny when
18274 everything is written in Yiddish. And we'll have to start driving on
18275 the left side of the road so we won't be reading the street signs
18276 backwards. But is that too high a price to pay for world peace?
18277 I think not, my friend, I think not.
18280 GEMINI (May 21 - June 20)
18281 A day to take the initiative. Put the garbage out, for
18282 instance, and pick up the stuff at the dry cleaners. Watch
18283 the mail carefully, although there won't be anything good
18284 in it today, either.
18286 GEMINI (May 21 to Jun. 20)
18287 Good news and bad news highlighted. Enjoy the good news while you
18288 can; the bad news will make you forget it. You will enjoy praise
18289 and respect from those around you; everybody loves a sucker. A short
18290 trip is in the stars, possibly to the men's room.
18293 The predicament of a person in a restaurant who is unable to
18294 determine his or her designated restroom (e.g. turtles and tortoises).
18295 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
18298 The predicament of a person in a restaurant who is unable to
18299 determine his or her designated restroom (e.g., turtles and
18301 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
18304 An account of one's descent from an ancestor
18305 who did not particularly care to trace his own.
18308 General notions are generally wrong.
18309 -- Lady M.W. Montagu
18311 Generally speaking, the Way of the warrior is resolute acceptance of death.
18312 -- Miyamoto Musashi, 1645
18316 Generosity and perfection are your everlasting goals.
18318 Genetics explains why you look like your father,
18319 and if you don't, why you should.
18322 A chemist who discovers a laundry additive that rhymes with bright.
18325 Person clever enough to be born in the right place at the right
18326 time of the right sex and to follow up this advantage by saying
18327 all the right things to all the right people.
18329 Genius does what it must, and Talent does what it can.
18332 Genius is one percent inspiration and ninety-nine percent perspiration.
18333 -- Thomas Alva Edison
18338 Genius is ten percent inspiration and fifty percent capital gains.
18340 Genius is the talent of a person who is dead.
18342 Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.
18346 A chemist who discovers a laundry additive that rhymes with
18350 Why he stays in the bottle.
18353 Whilst marching from Portugal to a position which commands the approach
18354 to Madrid and the French forces, my officers have been diligently complying
18355 with your requests which have been sent by H.M. ship from London to Lisbon and
18356 thence by dispatch to our headquarters.
18357 We have enumerated our saddles, bridles, tents and tent poles, and all
18358 manner of sundry items for which His Majesty's Government holds me accountable.
18359 I have dispatched reports on the character, wit, and spleen of every officer.
18360 Each item and every farthing has been accounted for, with two regrettable
18361 exceptions for which I beg your indulgence.
18362 Unfortunately the sum of one shilling and ninepence remains unaccounted
18363 for in one infantry battalion's petty cash and there has been a hideous
18364 confusion as the the number of jars of raspberry jam issued to one cavalry
18365 regiment during a sandstorm in western Spain. This reprehensible carelessness
18366 may be related to the pressure of circumstance, since we are war with France, a
18367 fact which may come as a bit of a surprise to you gentlemen in Whitehall.
18368 This brings me to my present purpose, which is to request elucidation of
18369 my instructions from His Majesty's Government so that I may better understand
18370 why I am dragging an army over these barren plains. I construe that perforce it
18371 must be one of two alternative duties, as given below. I shall pursue either
18372 one with the best of my ability, but I cannot do both:
18373 1. To train an army of uniformed British clerks in Spain for the benefit
18374 of the accountants and copy-boys in London or perchance:
18375 2. To see to it that the forces of Napoleon are driven out of Spain.
18376 -- Duke of Wellington, to the British Foreign Office,
18379 Genuine happiness is when a wife sees a double chin on her husband's
18382 George Bernard Shaw once sent two tickets to the opening night of one of
18383 his plays to Winston Churchill with the following note:
18384 "Bring a friend, if you have one."
18386 Churchill wrote back, returning the two tickets and excused himself as he
18387 had a previous engagement. He also attached the following:
18388 "Please send me two tickets for the next night, if there is one."
18390 George Orwell was an optimist.
18392 George Washington was first in war, first in peace -- and the first to
18393 have his birthday juggled to make a long weekend.
18396 George's friend Sam had a dog who could recite the Gettysburg Address. "Let
18397 me buy him from you," pleaded George after a demonstration.
18398 "Okay," agreed Sam. "All he knows is that Lincoln speech anyway."
18399 At his company's Fourth of July picnic, George brought his new pet
18400 and announced that the animal could recite the entire Gettysburg Address.
18401 No one believed him, and they proceeded to place bets against the dog.
18402 George quieted the crowd and said, "Now we'll begin!" Then he looked at
18403 the dog. The dog looked back. No sound. "Come on, boy, do your stuff."
18404 Nothing. A disappointed George took his dog and went home.
18405 "Why did you embarrass me like that in front of everybody?" George
18406 yelled at the dog. "Do you realize how much money you lost me?"
18407 "Don't be silly, George," replied the dog. "Think of the odds we're
18408 gonna get on Labor Day."
18410 (German philosopher) Georg Wilhelm Hegel, on his deathbed, complained, "Only
18411 one man ever understood me." He fell silent for a while and then added,
18412 "And he didn't understand me."
18414 Gerrold's Laws of Infernal Dynamics:
18415 1) An object in motion will always be headed in the wrong direction.
18416 2) An object at rest will always be in the wrong place.
18417 3) The energy required to change either one of these states
18418 will always be more than you wish to expend, but never so
18419 much as to make the task totally impossible.
18421 Get forgiveness now -- tomorrow you may no longer feel guilty.
18426 The Gurus of Unix Meeting of Minds (GUMM) takes place Wednesday, April 1, 2076
18427 (check THAT in your perpetual calendar program), 14 feet above the ground
18428 directly in front of the Milpitas Gumps. Members will grep each other by the
18429 hand (after intro), yacc a lot, smoke filtered chroots in pipes, chown with
18430 forks, use the wc (unless uuclean), fseek nice zombie processes, strip, and
18431 sleep, but not, we hope, od. Three days will be devoted to discussion of the
18432 ramifications of whodo. Two seconds have been allotted for a complete rundown
18433 of all the user-friendly features of Unix. Seminars include "Everything You
18434 Know is Wrong", led by Tom Kempson, "Batman or Cat:man?" led by Richie Dennis
18435 "cc C? Si! Si!" led by Kerwin Bernighan, and "Document Unix, Are You
18436 Kidding?" led by Jan Yeats. No Reader Service No. is necessary because all
18437 GUGUs (Gurus of Unix Group of Users) already know everything we could tell
18439 -- Dr. Dobb's Journal, June 1984
18441 Get in touch with your feelings of hostility against the dying light.
18444 Getting into trouble is easy.
18445 -- D. Winkel and F. Prosser
18447 Getting kicked out of the American Bar Association is liked getting kicked
18448 out of the Book-of-the-Month Club.
18449 -- Melvin Belli on the occasion of his getting kicked out
18450 of the American Bar Association
18452 Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.
18455 Following the rules will not get the job done.
18457 Getting there is only half as far as getting there and back.
18459 Gibson's Springtime Song (to the tune of "Deck the Halls"):
18461 'Tis the season to chase mousies (Fa la la la la, la la la la)
18462 Snatch them from their little housies (...)
18463 First we chase them 'round the field (...)
18464 Then we have them for a meal (...)
18466 Toss them here and catch them there (...)
18467 See them flying through the air (...)
18468 Watch them fly and hear them squeal (...)
18469 Falling mice have great appeal (...)
18471 See the hunter stretched before us (...)
18472 He's chased the mice in field and forest (...)
18473 Watch him clean his long white whiskers (...)
18474 Of the blood of little critters (...)
18476 Gilbert's Discovery:
18477 Any attempt to use the new super glues results in the two pieces
18478 sticking to your thumb and index finger rather than to each other.
18480 Gil-galad was an Elven-King
18481 of him the harpers sadly sing;
18482 the last whose realm was fair and free
18483 between the Mountains and the Sea.
18485 His sword was long, his lance was keen,
18486 his shining helm afar was seen;
18487 the countless stars of heaven's field
18488 were mirrored in his silver shield.
18490 But long ago he rode away,
18491 and where he dwelleth none can say;
18492 for into darkness fell his star
18493 in Mordor where the shadows are.
18497 Ginsberg's Theorem:
18499 2. You can't break even.
18500 3. You can't even quit the game.
18502 Freeman's Commentary on Ginsberg's theorem:
18504 Every major philosophy that attempts to make life seem
18505 meaningful is based on the negation of one part of Ginsberg's
18508 1. Capitalism is based on the assumption that you can win.
18509 2. Socialism is based on the assumption that you can break even.
18510 3. Mysticism is based on the assumption that you can quit the game.
18513 At the precise moment you take off your shoe in a shoe store, your
18514 big toe will pop out of your sock to see what's going on.
18516 GIVE: Support the helpless victims of computer error.
18518 Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day.
18519 Teach a man to fish, and he'll invite himself over for dinner.
18522 Give a small boy a hammer and he will find
18523 that everything he encounters needs pounding.
18525 Give a woman an inch and she'll park a car in it.
18527 Give all orders verbally. Never write anything down
18528 that might go into a "Pearl Harbor File".
18530 Give him an evasive answer.
18532 Give me a fish and I will eat today.
18533 Teach me to fish and I will eat forever.
18535 Give me a Plumber's friend the size of the Pittsburgh
18536 dome, and a place to stand, and I will drain the world.
18538 Give me a sleeping pill and tell me your troubles.
18540 Give me chastity and continence, but not just now.
18543 Give me libertines or give me meth.
18545 Give me the avowed, the erect, the manly foe,
18546 Bold I can meet -- perhaps may turn his blow!
18547 But of all plagues, good Heaven, thy wrath can send,
18548 Save me, oh save me from the candid friend.
18551 Give me your students, your secretaries,
18552 Your huddled writers yearning to breathe free,
18553 The wretched refuse of your Selectric III's.
18554 Give these, the homeless, typist-tossed to me.
18555 I lift my disk beside the processor.
18556 -- Inscription on a Word Processor
18558 Give thought to your reputation.
18559 Consider changing your name and moving to a new town.
18563 Give your child mental blocks for Christmas.
18565 Give your very best today.
18566 Heaven knows it's little enough.
18568 Given a choice between grief and nothing, I'd choose grief.
18569 -- William Faulkner
18571 Given its constituency, the only thing I expect to be "open" about [the
18572 Open Software Foundation] is its mouth.
18575 Given my druthers, I'd druther not.
18577 Given sufficient time, what you put
18578 off doing today will get done by itself.
18580 Given the choice between accomplishing something and just lying around, I'd
18581 rather lie around. No contest.
18584 Giving money and power to governments is like giving whiskey and
18585 car keys to teenage boys.
18588 Giving up on assembly language was the apple in our Garden of Eden: Languages
18589 whose use squanders machine cycles are sinful. The LISP machine now permits
18590 LISP programmers to abandon bra and fig-leaf.
18591 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
18594 Petrified deposits of toothpaste found in sinks.
18595 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
18597 Glib's Fourth Law of Unreliability:
18598 Investment in reliability will increase until it exceeds the
18599 probable cost of errors, or until someone insists on getting
18600 some useful work done.
18602 Gloffing is a state of mine.
18604 Glogg (a traditional Scandinavian holiday drink):
18605 fifth of dry red wine
18607 1 and 1/2 inch piece of cinnamon
18611 1 cup blanched or flaked almonds
18612 a few pieces of dried orange peel
18614 1/2 lb. sugar cubes
18615 Heat up the wine and hard stuff (which may be substituted with wine
18616 for the faint of heart) in a big pot after adding all the other stuff EXCEPT
18617 the sugar cubes. Just when it reaches boiling, put the sugar in a wire
18618 strainer, moisten it in the hot brew, lift it out and ignite it with a match.
18619 Dip the sugar several times in the liquid until it is all dissolved. Serve
18620 hot in cups with a few raisins and almonds in each cup.
18621 N.B. Aquavit may be hard to find and expensive to boot. Use it only
18622 if you really have a deep-seated desire to be fussy, or if you are of Swedish
18625 Go ahead... make my day.
18628 Go ahead, make my day.
18631 Go away, I'm all right.
18632 -- H.G. Wells' last words.
18634 Go away! Stop bothering me with all your
18635 "compute this ... compute that"! I'm taking a VAX-NAP.
18639 Go climb a gravity well.
18641 Go directly to jail. Do not pass Go, do not collect $200.
18643 Go not to the elves for counsel, for they will say both yes and no.
18646 Go out and tell a lie that will make the whole family proud of you.
18647 -- Cadmus, to Pentheus, in "The Bacchae" by Euripides
18649 Go slowly to the entertainments of thy friends,
18650 but quickly to their misfortunes.
18653 Go to a movie tonight.
18654 Darkness becomes you.
18656 Go to the Scriptures... the joyful promises it contains will be a balsam to
18660 The foundations of our society and our government rest so much on the
18661 teachings of the Bible that it would be difficult to support them if faith
18662 in these teachings would cease to be practically universal in our country.
18665 Lastly, our ancestors established their system of government on morality and
18666 religious sentiment. Moral habits, they believed, cannot safely be trusted
18667 on any other foundation than religious principle, nor any government be
18668 secure which is not supported by moral habits.
18671 Go 'way! You're bothering me!
18673 Goals... Plans... they're fantasies, they're part of a dream world...
18677 Darwin's chief rival.
18679 God created a few perfect heads.
18680 The rest he covered with hair.
18683 And boredom did indeed cease from that moment --
18684 but many other things ceased as well.
18685 Woman was God's second mistake.
18688 God did not create the world in 7 days; He screwed
18689 around for 6 days and then pulled an all-nighter.
18691 God gave man two ears and one tongue so
18692 that we listen twice as much as we speak.
18695 God gives burdens; also shoulders.
18697 Jimmy Carter cited this Jewish saying in his concession speech
18698 at the end of the 1980 election. At least he said it was a Jewish
18699 saying; I can't find it anywhere. I'm sure he's telling the truth
18700 though; why would he lie about a thing like that?
18703 God gives us relatives; thank goodness we can chose our friends.
18705 God grant us the serenity to accept the things we cannot change, courage to
18706 change the things we can, and wisdom to know the difference.
18708 God has intended the great to be great and the little to be little...
18709 The trade unions, under the European system, destroy liberty [...] I do
18710 not mean to say that a dollar a day is enough to support a workingman...
18711 not enough to support a man and five children if he insists on smoking
18712 and drinking beer. But the man who cannot live on bread and water is
18713 not fit to live! A family may live on good bread and water in the
18714 morning, water and bread at midday, and good bread and water at night!
18715 -- Rev. Henry Ward Beecher
18717 God help the troubadour who tries to be a star. The more
18718 that you try to find success, the more that you will fail.
18719 -- Phil Ochs, on the Second System Effect
18721 God help those who do not help themselves.
18724 God helps them that helps themselves.
18727 God, I ask for patience -- and I want it right now!
18729 God instructs the heart, not by ideas,
18730 but by pains and contradictions.
18733 God is a comic playing to an audience that's afraid to laugh.
18735 God is a polytheist.
18744 God is dead and I don't feel all too well either....
18747 God is love, but get it in writing.
18750 God is not dead. He is alive and well and working on a
18751 much less ambitious project.
18753 God is not dead! He's alive and autographing Bibles at Cody's!
18755 God is real, unless declared integer.
18757 God is really only another artist. He invented the giraffe, the
18758 elephant and the cat. He has no real style, He just goes on trying
18762 God is the tangential point between zero and infinity.
18765 God isn't dead. He just doesn't want to get involved.
18767 God isn't dead, he just couldn't find a parking place.
18769 God made everything out of nothing, but the nothingness shows through.
18772 God made machine language; all the rest is the work of man.
18774 God made the integers; all else is the work of Man.
18777 God made the world in six days, and was arrested on the seventh.
18779 God may be subtle, but he isn't plain mean.
18782 God must have loved calories, she made so many of them.
18784 God must love the common man; He made so many of them.
18786 God rest ye CS students now, The bearings on the drum are gone,
18787 Let nothing you dismay. The disk is wobbling, too.
18788 The VAX is down and won't be up, We've found a bug in Lisp, and Algol
18789 Until the first of May. Can't tell false from true.
18790 The program that was due this morn, And now we find that we can't get
18791 Won't be postponed, they say. At Berkeley's 4.2.
18794 We've just received a call from DEC, And now some cheery news for you,
18795 They'll send without delay The network's also dead,
18796 A monitor called RSuX We'll have to print your files on
18797 It takes nine hundred K. The line printer instead.
18798 The staff committed suicide, The turnaround time's nineteen weeks.
18799 We'll bury them today. And only cards are read.
18802 And now we'd like to say to you CHORUS: Oh, tidings of comfort and joy,
18803 Before we go away, Comfort and joy,
18804 We hope the news we've brought to you Oh, tidings of comfort and joy.
18805 Won't ruin your whole day.
18806 You've got another program due, tomorrow, by the way.
18808 -- to God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen
18810 God runs electromagnetics by wave theory on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday,
18811 and the Devil runs them by quantum theory on Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday.
18814 God said it, I believe it and that's all there is to it.
18816 God save us from a bad neighbor and a beginner on the fiddle.
18818 God shows his contempt for wealth by the kind of person he selects
18822 God votes Republican.
18824 God was satisfied with his own work, and that is fatal.
18828 By the time you get to the point where you can make ends meet,
18829 somebody moves the ends.
18831 Going the speed of light is bad for your age.
18833 Going to church does not make a person religious, nor does going to school
18834 make a person educated, any more than going to a garage makes a person a car.
18837 A soft malleable metal relatively scarce in distribution. It
18838 is mined deep in the earth by poor men who then give it to rich
18839 men who immediately bury it back in the earth in great prisons,
18840 although gold hasn't done anything to them.
18841 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
18843 Goldenstern's Rules:
18844 1. Always hire a rich attorney.
18845 2. Never buy from a rich salesman.
18847 Goldfish... what stupid animals. Even Wayne Cody stops
18848 eating before he bursts.
18851 If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
18854 (1) A backscratcher will always find new itches.
18855 (2) Time accelerates.
18856 (3) The weather at home improves as soon as you go away.
18858 Gone With The Wind LITE(tm)
18859 -- by Margaret Mitchell
18861 A woman only likes men she can't have and the South gets trashed.
18863 Gift of the Magii LITE(tm)
18866 A husband and wife forget to register their gift preferences.
18868 The Old Man and the Sea LITE(tm)
18869 -- by Ernest Hemingway
18871 An old man goes fishing, but doesn't have much luck.
18873 Diary of a Young Girl LITE(tm)
18876 A young girl hides in an attic but is discovered.
18878 Good advice is one of those insults that ought to be forgiven.
18880 Good advice is something a man gives
18881 when he is too old to set a bad example.
18882 -- La Rouchefoucauld
18884 Good day for a change of scene. Repaper the bedroom wall.
18886 Good day for business affairs.
18887 Make a pass at that the new file clerk.
18889 Good day for overcoming obstacles. Try a steeplechase.
18891 Good day to avoid cops. Crawl to school.
18893 Good day to avoid cops. Crawl to work.
18895 Good day to deal with people in high places;
18896 particularly lonely stewardesses.
18898 Good day to let down old friends who need help.
18900 Good evening, gentlemen. I am a HAL 9000 computer. I became operational
18901 at the HAL plant in Urbana, Illinois, on January 11th, nineteen hundred
18902 ninety-five. My supervisor was Mr. Langley, and he taught me to sing a
18903 song. If you would like, I could sing it for you.
18905 Good, fast, and cheap. Choose any two.
18907 Good girls go to heaven, bad girls go everywhere.
18909 Good government never depends upon laws, but upon the personal qualities of
18910 those who govern. The machinery of government is always subordinate to the
18911 will of those who administer that machinery. The most important element of
18912 government, therefore, is the method of choosing leaders.
18913 -- Frank Herbert, "Children of Dune"
18915 "Good health" is merely the slowest rate at which one can die.
18917 Good judgement comes from experience.
18918 Experience comes from bad judgement.
18921 Good leaders being scarce, following yourself is allowed.
18923 Good morning. This is the telephone company. Due to repairs, we're
18924 giving you advance notice that your service will be cut off indefinitely
18925 at ten o'clock. That's two minutes from now.
18927 Good news. Ten weeks from Friday will be a pretty good day.
18929 Good news from afar can bring you a welcome visitor.
18931 Good news is just life's way of keeping you off balance.
18933 Good night, Austin, Texas, wherever you are!
18935 Good night, Mrs. Calabash, wherever you are.
18937 Good night to spend with family, but avoid arguments with your mate's
18940 Good night to spend with family,
18941 but avoid arguments with your mate's new lover.
18943 Good salesmen and good repairmen will never go hungry.
18946 Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths good theatre.
18949 Good-bye. I am leaving because I am bored.
18950 -- George Saunders' dying words
18952 Goodbye, cool world.
18954 Goose pimples rose all over me, my hair stood on end, my eyes filled with
18955 tears of love and gratitude for this greatest of all conquerers of human
18956 misery and shame, and my breath came in little gasps. If I had not known
18957 that the Leader would have scorned such adulation, I might have fallen to
18958 my knees in unashamed worship, but instead I drew myself to attention, raised
18959 my arm in the eternal salute of the ancient Roman Legions and repeated the
18960 holy words, "Heil Hitler!"
18961 -- George Lincoln Rockwell
18964 If you think you have the solution, the question was poorly phrased.
18967 Hearing something you like about someone you don't.
18970 //GO.SYSIN DD *, DOODAH, DOODAH
18972 Got a complaint about the Internal Revenue Service?
18973 Call the convenient toll-free "IRS Taxpayer Complaint Hot Line Number":
18977 Got a dictionary? I want to know the meaning of life.
18979 Got a wife and kids in Baltimore Jack,
18980 I went out for a ride and never came back.
18981 Like a river that don't know where it's flowing,
18982 I took a wrong turn and I just kept going.
18984 Everybody's got a hungry heart.
18985 Everybody's got a hungry heart.
18986 Lay down your money and you play your part,
18987 Everybody's got a hungry heart.
18989 I met her in a Kingstown bar,
18990 We fell in love, I knew it had to end.
18991 We took what we had and we ripped it apart,
18992 Now here I am down in Kingstown again.
18994 Everybody needs a place to rest,
18995 Everybody wants to have a home.
18996 Don't make no difference what nobody says,
18997 Ain't nobody likes to be alone.
18998 -- Bruce Springsteen, "Hungry Heart"
19001 Call Avogadro at 6.02 x 10^23.
19004 Anyone whom, when you fail to finish something strange or
19005 revolting, remarks that it's an acquired taste and that you're
19006 leaving the best part.
19008 Govern a great nation as you would cook a small fish. Don't overdo it.
19011 Government spending? I don't know what it's all about. I don't know any
19012 more about this thing than an economist does, and, God knows, he doesn't
19014 -- The Best of Will Rogers
19016 Government spending? I don't know what it's all about. I don't know
19017 any more about this thing than an economist does, and, God knows, he
19022 There is an exception to all laws.
19024 Governor Tarkin. I should have expected to find you holding Vader's
19025 leash. I thought I recognized your foul stench when I was brought on
19027 -- Princess Leia Organa
19030 2 is not equal to 3 -- not even for large values of 2.
19032 Graduate life -- it's not just a job, it's an indenture.
19034 Graduate students and most professors are
19035 no smarter than undergrads. They're just older.
19037 Grand Master Turing once dreamed that he was a machine. When he awoke
19039 "I don't know whether I am Turing dreaming that I am a machine,
19040 or a machine dreaming that I am Turing!"
19041 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
19043 Grandpa Charnock's Law:
19044 You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
19046 [I thought it was when your kids learned to drive. Ed.]
19048 Graphics blind the eyes.
19049 Audio files deafen the ear.
19050 Mouse clicks numb the fingers.
19051 Heuristics weaken the mind.
19052 Options wither the heart.
19054 The Guru observes the net
19055 but trusts his inner vision.
19056 He allows things to come and go.
19057 His heart is as open as the ether.
19060 A creature that can leap to tremendous heights... once.
19062 Gratitude, like love, is never a dependable international emotion.
19066 What you get when you eat too much and too fast.
19068 Gravity brings me down.
19070 Gravity is a myth, the Earth sucks.
19072 Gray's Law of Programming:
19073 'n+1' trivial tasks are expected to be
19074 accomplished in the same time as 'n' tasks.
19076 Logg's Rebuttal to Gray's Law:
19077 'n+1' trivial tasks take twice as long as 'n' trivial tasks.
19079 Great acts are made up of small deeds.
19082 Great American Axiom:
19083 Some is good, more is better, too much is just right.
19085 GREAT MOMENTS IN AMERICAN HISTORY (#17):
19087 On November 13, Felix Unger was asked to remove himself from his
19088 place of residence.
19090 GREAT MOMENTS IN HISTORY (#7): April 2, 1751
19092 Issac Newton becomes discouraged when he falls up a flight of stairs.
19094 GREAT MOMENTS IN HISTORY (#7): November 23, 1915
19096 Pancake make-up is invented; most people continue to prefer syrup.
19098 Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds.
19101 They laughed at Einstein. They laughed at the Wright Brothers. But they
19102 also laughed at Bozo the Clown.
19105 Greatness is a transitory experience. It is never consistent.
19107 Green light in A.M. for new projects.
19108 Red light in P.M. for traffic tickets.
19110 Green's Law of Debate:
19111 Anything is possible if you don't know what you're talking about.
19114 Eighty percent of all people consider
19115 themselves to be above average drivers.
19117 grep me no patterns and I'll tell you no lines.
19119 Grief can take care of itself; but to get the full
19120 value of a joy you must have somebody to divide it with.
19124 When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last.
19126 Grig (the navigator):
19127 ... so you see, it's just the two of us against the entire space
19131 Grig: I've always wanted to fight a desperate battle against
19133 Alex: It'll be a slaughter!
19134 Grig: That's the spirit!
19135 -- The Last Starfighter
19137 Grinnell's Law of Labor Laxity:
19138 At all times, for any task, you have not got enough done today.
19140 Groundhog Day has been observed only once in Los Angeles because when the
19141 groundhog came out of its hole, it was killed by a mudslide.
19144 Grover Cleveland, though constantly at loggerheads with the Senate, got on
19145 better with the House of Representatives. A popular story circulating
19146 during his presidency concerned the night he was roused by his wife crying,
19147 "Wake up! I think there are burglars in the house."
19148 "No, no, my dear," said the president sleepily, "in the Senate
19149 maybe, but not in the House."
19151 Growing old isn't bad when you consider the alternatives.
19152 -- Maurice Chevalier
19154 Grownups are reluctant to take science fiction seriously, and with good
19155 reason: sci-fi is a hormonal activity, not a literary one. Its traditional
19156 concerns are all pubescent. Secondary sexual characteristics are everywhere,
19157 disguised. Aliens have tentacles. Telepathy allows you to have sex without
19158 any nasty inconvenience of touching. Womblike spaceships provide balanced
19159 meals. No one ever has to grow old -- body parts are replaceable, like
19160 Job's daughters, and if you're lucky you can become a robot. As for the
19161 adult world, it's simply not there; political systems tend to be naively
19162 authoritarian (there are more lords in science fiction than on public
19163 television) and are often ruled by young boys on quests. The most popular
19164 sci-fi book in years, Frank Herbert's Dune, sold millions of copies by
19165 combining all these themes: it ends with its adolescent hero conquering the
19166 universe while straddling a giant worm.
19169 Grub first, then ethics.
19173 A French chopping center.
19176 The probability of a given event
19177 occurring is inversely proportional to its desirability.
19179 Guns don't kill people. Bullets kill people.
19181 Gunter's Airborne Discoveries:
19182 (1) When you are served a meal aboard an aircraft,
19183 the aircraft will encounter turbulence.
19184 (2) The strength of the turbulence
19185 is directly proportional to the temperature of your coffee.
19188 The red warning flag at the top of a club sandwich which prevents
19189 the person from biting into it and puncturing the roof of his mouth.
19190 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
19193 The red warning flag at the top of a club sandwich which
19194 prevents the person from biting into it and puncturing the roof
19196 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
19199 A person in T-shirt and sandals who took an elevator ride with
19200 a senior vice-president and is ultimately responsible for the
19201 phone call you are about to receive from your boss.
19204 A computer owner who can read the manual.
19207 A wheel or disk mounted to spin rapidly about an axis and also
19208 free to rotate about one or both of two axes perpendicular to
19209 each other and the axis of spin so that a rotation of one of the
19210 two mutually perpendicular axes results from application of
19211 torque to the other when the wheel is spinning and so that the
19212 entire apparatus offers considerable opposition depending on
19213 the angular momentum to any torque that would change the direction
19214 of the axis of spin.
19215 -- Webster's Seventh New Collegiate Dictionary
19218 Originally, any person with a knack for coercing stubborn inanimate
19219 things; hence, a person with a happy knack, later contracted by the mythical
19220 philosopher Frisbee Frobenius to the common usage, 'hack'.
19221 In olden times, upon completion of some particularly atrocious body
19222 of coding that happened to work well, culpable programmers would gather in
19223 a small circle around a first edition of Knuth's Best Volume I by candlelight,
19224 and proceed to get very drunk while sporadically rending the following ditty:
19226 Hacker's Fight Song
19228 He's a Hack! He's a Hack!
19229 He's a guy with the happy knack!
19230 Never bungles, never shirks,
19231 Always gets his stuff to work!
19233 All take a drink (important!)
19235 Hackers are just a migratory lifeform with a tropism for computers.
19237 Hacker's Guide To Cooking:
19238 2 pkg. cream cheese (the mushy white stuff in silver wrappings that doesn't
19239 really come from Philadelphia after all; anyway, about 16 oz.)
19240 1 tsp. vanilla extract (which is more alcohol than vanilla and pretty
19241 strong so this part you *GOTTA* measure)
19242 1/4 cup sugar (but honey works fine too)
19243 8 oz. Cool Whip (the fluffy stuff devoid of nutritional value that you
19244 can squirt all over your friends and lick off...)
19245 "Blend all together until creamy with no lumps." This is where you get to
19246 join(1) all the raw data in a big buffer and then filter it through
19247 merge(1m) with the -thick option, I mean, it starts out ultra lumpy
19248 and icky looking and you have to work hard to mix it. Try an electric
19249 beater if you have a cat(1) that can climb wall(1s) to lick it off
19251 "Pour into a graham cracker crust..." Aha, the BUGS section at last. You
19252 just happened to have a GCC sitting around under /etc/food, right?
19253 If not, don't panic(8), merely crumble a rand(3m) handful of innocent
19254 GCs into a suitable tempfile and mix in some melted butter.
19255 "...and refrigerate for an hour." Leave the recipe's stdout in a fridge
19256 for 3.6E6 milliseconds while you work on cleaning up stderr, and
19257 by time out your cheesecake will be ready for stdin.
19260 The belief that enhanced understanding will necessarily stir
19261 a nation to action is one of mankind's oldest illusions.
19264 The belief that enhanced understanding will necessarily stir a
19265 nation to action is one of mankind's oldest illusions.
19267 Hackers of the world, unite!
19269 Hacker's Quicky #313:
19270 Sour Cream -n- Onion Potato Chips
19274 Hacking's just another word for nothing left to kludge.
19276 "Had he and I but met
19277 By some old ancient inn, But ranged as infantry,
19278 We should have sat us down to wet And staring face to face,
19279 Right many a nipperkin! I shot at him as he at me,
19280 And killed him in his place.
19281 I shot him dead because --
19282 Because he was my foe, He thought he'd 'list, perhaps,
19283 Just so: my foe of course he was; Off-hand-like -- just as I --
19284 That's clear enough; although Was out of work -- had sold his traps
19285 No other reason why.
19286 Yes; quaint and curious war is!
19287 You shoot a fellow down
19288 You'd treat, if met where any bar is
19289 Or help to half-a-crown."
19292 Had I been present at the creation, I would have given some
19293 useful hints for the better ordering of the universe.
19294 -- Alfonso the Wise
19296 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
19297 referring to operating system initialization.]
19299 Had this been an actual emergency, we would have
19300 fled in terror, and you would not have been informed.
19302 Hail to the sun god
19303 He's such a fun god
19306 Hailing frequencies open, Captain.
19308 Hain't we got all the fools in town on our side? And hain't that
19309 a big enough majority in any town?
19310 -- Mark Twain, "Huckleberry Finn"
19312 Hale Mail Rule, The:
19313 When you are ready to reply to a letter, you will lack at least
19314 one of the following:
19315 (a) A pen or pencil or typewriter.
19318 (d) The letter you are answering.
19320 Half a bee, philosophically, must ipso facto half not be.
19321 But half the bee has got to be, vis-a-vis its entity. See?
19322 But can a bee be said to be or not to be an entire bee,
19323 When half the bee is not a bee, due to some ancient injury?
19325 Half Moon tonight. (At least its better than no Moon at all.)
19327 Half of being smart is knowing what you're dumb at.
19329 Half the world is composed of people who have something to say and can't,
19330 and the other half who have nothing to say and keep on saying it.
19333 This is the best way to eat a kosher dill -- when it's still crunchy,
19334 light green, yet full of garlic flavor. The difference between this
19335 and the typical soggy dark green cucumber corpse is like the
19336 difference between life and death.
19338 You may find it difficult to find a good half-done kosher dill there
19339 in Seattle, so what you should do is take a cab out to the airport,
19340 fly to New York, take the JFK Express to Jay Street-Borough Hall,
19341 transfer to an uptown F, get off at East Broadway, walk north on
19342 Essex (along the park), make your first left onto Hester Street, walk
19343 about fifteen steps, turn ninety degrees left, and stop. Say to the
19344 man, "Let me have a nice half-done." Worth the trouble, wasn't it?
19347 Halley's Comet: It came, we saw, we drank.
19349 Hall's Laws of Politics:
19350 (1) The voters want fewer taxes and more spending.
19351 (2) Citizens want honest politicians until they want
19353 (3) Constituency drives out consistency (i.e., liberals defend
19354 military spending, and conservatives social spending in
19355 their own districts).
19358 A singular instrument worn at the end of a human
19359 arm and commonly thrust into somebody's pocket.
19362 You can't produce a baby in one month by impregnating 9 women!
19364 handshaking protocol, n:
19365 A process employed by hostile hardware devices to initiate a
19366 terse but civil dialogue, which, in turn, is characterized by
19367 occasional misunderstanding, sulking, and name-calling.
19369 Hanging on in quiet desperation is the English way.
19373 The wrath of grapes.
19376 Never attribute to malice
19377 that which is adequately explained by stupidity.
19379 Hanson's Treatment of Time:
19380 There are never enough hours in a day,
19381 but always too many days before Saturday.
19383 Hanson's Treatment of Time:
19384 There are never enough hours in a day, but always too many days
19387 Happiness adds and multiplies as we divide it with others.
19390 An agreeable sensation arising
19391 from contemplating the misery of another.
19394 Finding the owner of a lost bikini.
19396 Happiness is a hard disk.
19398 Happiness is a positive cash flow.
19400 Happiness is good health and a bad memory.
19403 Happiness is having a scratch for every itch.
19406 Happiness is just an illusion, filled with sadness and confusion.
19408 Happiness is the greatest good.
19410 Happiness is twin floppies.
19412 Happiness isn't having what you want, it's wanting what you have.
19414 Happiness isn't something you experience; it's something you remember.
19417 Happiness makes up in height what it lacks in length.
19419 Happy feast of the pig!
19421 Happy is the child whose father died rich.
19424 The quality of your own data; also how it is to believe those
19427 Hard reality has a way of cramping your style.
19430 Hard work may not kill you, but why take the chance?
19432 Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?
19433 -- Charlie McCarthy
19436 The parts of a computer system that can be kicked.
19438 Hardware met Software on the road to Changtse. Software said: "You are Yin
19439 and I am Yang. If we travel together we will become famous and earn vast
19440 sums of money." And so the set forth together, thinking to conquer the world.
19441 Presently they met Firmware, who was dressed in tattered rage and
19442 hobbled along propped on a thorny stick. Firmware said to them: "The Tao
19443 lies beyond Yin and Yang. It is silent and still as a pool of water. It does
19444 not seek fame, therefore nobody knows its presence. It does not seek fortune,
19445 for it is complete within itself. It exists beyond space and time."
19446 Software and Hardware, ashamed, returned to their homes.
19449 The parts of a computer system that can be kicked.
19451 Hark, Hark, the dogs do bark
19452 The Duke is fond of kittens
19453 He likes to take their insides out
19454 And use them for his mittens
19455 -- The Thirteen Clocks
19457 Hark, the Herald Tribune sings,
19458 Advertising wondrous things.
19460 Angels we have heard on High
19461 Tell us to go out and Buy.
19463 Harp not on that string.
19464 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
19466 Harriet's Dining Observation:
19467 In every restaurant, the hardness of the butter pats
19468 increases in direct proportion to the softness of the bread.
19470 Harris had the beefstead pie between his knees, and was carving it, and George
19471 and I were waiting with our plates ready.
19472 "Have you got a spoon there?" says Harris; "I want a spoon to help
19474 The hamper was close behind us, and George and I both turned round to
19475 reach one out. We were not five seconds getting it. When we looked round
19476 again, Harris and the pie were gone!
19477 It was a wide, open field. There was not a tree or a bit of hedge for
19478 hundreds of yards. He could not have tumbled into the river, because we were
19479 on the water side of him, and he would have had to climb over us to do it.
19480 George and I gazed all about. Then we gazed at each other.
19481 "Has he been snatched up to heaven?" I queried.
19482 "They'd hardly have taken the pie, too," said George.
19483 There seemed weight in this objection, and we discarded the heavenly
19485 "I suppose the truth of the matter is," suggested George, descending
19486 to the commonplace and practicable, "that there has been an earthquake."
19487 And then he added, with a touch of sadness in his voice: "I wish he
19488 hadn't been carving that pie."
19489 -- Jerome K. Jerome, "Three Men In A Boat"
19491 Harrisberger's Fourth Law of the Lab:
19492 Experience is directly proportional to the amount of
19495 Harrison's Postulate:
19496 For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
19499 All the good ones are taken.
19501 Harry and Fred were playing their Sunday afternoon golf game. The game, as
19502 always, was close. They were at the treacherous 12th hole: a par three that
19503 required a perfect first shot over a large pond and onto a tiny green. There
19504 were sand traps on the other three sides of the green, and a small road 50
19505 feet beyond it. Harry went first. He carefully addressed the ball and hit
19506 a good shot that landed just on the edge of the green, narrowly avoiding the
19507 pond. Just as Fred addressed his ball, he looked up and noticed a funeral
19508 procession along the road just behind the green. Fred put down his club,
19509 took his hat off, and waited for the entire procession to pass. As soon as
19510 the cars were gone he put his hat back on and started addressing the ball
19511 again. Harry said, "Damn, Fred. That was a really nice thing you did,
19512 waiting for the funeral to pass like that."
19513 Fred finished his swing, making perfect contact with the ball. It
19514 was an excellent shot that landed 7 feet from the hole. "It's the least I
19515 could do," he said, smiling at his shot, "We were married for 22 years,
19518 Harry is heavily into camping, and every year in the late fall, he makes us
19519 all go to Assateague, which is an island on the Atlantic Ocean famous for
19520 its wild horses. I realize that the concept of wild horses probably stirs
19521 romantic notions in many of you, but this is because you have never met any
19522 wild horses in person. In person, they are like enormous hooved rats. They
19523 amble up to your camp site, and their attitude is: "We're wild horses.
19524 We're going to eat your food, knock down your tent and poop on your shoes.
19525 We're protected by federal law, just like Richard Nixon."
19528 Harry's bar has a new cocktail. It's called MRS punch. They make it with
19529 milk, rum and sugar and it's wonderful. The milk is for vitality and the
19530 sugar is for pep. They put in the rum so that people will know what to do
19531 with all that pep and vitality.
19533 Hartley's First Law:
19534 You can lead a horse to water, but if you can
19535 get him to float on his back, you've got something.
19537 Hartley's Second Law:
19538 Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
19540 HARTLEY'S SECOND LAW:
19541 Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
19544 The completely psychotic have all the fun.
19547 Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure,
19548 temperature, volume, humidity, and other variables, the
19549 organism will do as it damn well pleases.
19553 Sophomore Dave Strewzinski... likes to pass. And pass he does, with
19554 a record 86 attempts (three completions) in 87 plays.... Though Strewzinksi
19555 has so far failed to score any points for the Crimson, his jackrabbit speed
19556 has made him the least sacked quarterback in the Ivy league.
19558 The other directional signal in Harvard's offensive machine is senior
19559 Phil Yip, who is very fast. Yip is so fast that he has set a record for being
19560 fast. Expect to see Yip elude all pursuers and make it into the endzone five
19561 or six times, his average for a game. Yip, nicknamed "fumblefingers" and "you
19562 asshole" by his teammates, hopes to carry the ball with him at least one of
19566 On the defensive side, Yale boasts the stingiest line in the Ivies.
19567 Primarily responsible are seniors Izzy "Shylock" Bloomberg and Myron
19568 Finklestein, the tightest ends in recent Eli history. Also contributing to
19569 the powerful defense is junior tackle Angus MacWhirter, a Scotsman who rounds
19570 out the offensive ethnic joke. Look for these three to shut down the opening
19572 -- Harvard Lampoon 1988 Program Parody, distributed at The Game
19574 Has anyone ever tasted an "end"? Are they really bitter?
19576 "Has anyone had problems with the computer accounts?"
19577 "Yes; I don't have one."
19578 "Okay, you can send mail to one of the tutors..."
19579 -- E. D'Azevedo, CS, University of Washington
19581 Has anyone realized that the purpose of the fortune cookie program is to
19582 defuse project tensions? When did you ever see a cheerful cookie, a
19583 non-cynical, or even an informative cookie?
19584 Perhaps inadvertently, we have a channel for our aggressions. This
19585 still begs the question of whether the cookie releases the pressure or only
19586 serves to blunt the warning signs.
19588 Long live the revolution!
19591 Has everyone noticed that all the letters of the word "database" are typed
19592 with the left hand? Now the layout of the QWERTYUIOP typewriter keyboard
19593 was designed, among other things, to facilitate the even use of both hands.
19594 It follows, therefore, that writing about databases is not only unnatural,
19595 but a lot harder than it appears.
19597 Has the great art and mystery of politics no apparent utility? Does it
19598 appear to be unqualifiedly ratty, raffish, sordid, obscene and low down,
19599 and its salient virtuosi a gang of unmitigated scoundrels? Then let us
19600 not forget its high capacity to soothe and tickel the midriff, its
19601 incomparable services as a maker of entertainment.
19602 -- H.L. Mencken, "A Carnival of Buncombe"
19608 "Goodness! What lovely diamonds!"
19610 "Goodness had nothin' to do with it, dearie."
19611 -- "Night After Night", 1932
19613 Hate is like acid. It can damage the vessel in which it is
19614 stored as well as destroy the object on which it is poured.
19616 Hate the sin and love the sinner.
19619 Hating the Yankees is as American as pizza pie,
19620 unwed mothers and cheating on your income tax.
19624 A sentiment appropriate to the occasion of another's superiority.
19626 Have a coke and a smile!
19631 Have a nice diurnal anomaly.
19633 Have a place for everything and keep the thing
19634 somewhere else; this is not advice, it is merely custom.
19642 Have no friends not equal to yourself.
19645 Have the courage to take your own thoughts
19646 seriously, for they will shape you.
19649 Have you ever felt like a wounded cow
19650 halfway between an oven and a pasture?
19651 walking in a trance toward a pregnant
19652 seventeen-year-old housewife's
19653 two-day-old cookbook?
19654 -- Richard Brautigan
19656 Have you ever met a man of good character where women are concerned?
19658 Well, I haven't. I find that whenever a woman becomes friends with me,
19659 she becomes jealous, exacting, suspicious, and a damn nuisance; and
19660 whenever I become friends with a woman, I become selfish and tyrannical.
19661 So here I am, Pickering, a confirmed old bachelor and very likely to
19663 -- Henry Higgins, "My Fair Lady"
19665 Have you ever noticed that the people who are always trying
19666 to tell you `there's a time for work and a time for play'
19667 never find the time for play?
19669 Have you flogged your kid today?
19671 Have you locked your file cabinet?
19673 Have you noticed that all you need to grow healthy,
19674 vigorous grass is a crack in your sidewalk?
19676 Have you seen the latest Japanese camera? Apparently it is so fast it can
19677 photograph an American with his mouth shut!
19679 Have you seen the old man in the closed down market,
19680 Kicking up the papers in his worn out shoes?
19681 In his eyes you see no pride, hands hang loosely at his side
19682 Yesterdays papers, telling yesterdays news.
19684 How can you tell me you're lonely,
19685 And say for you the sun don't shine?
19686 Let me take you by the hand
19687 Lead you through the streets of London
19688 I'll show you something to make you change your mind...
19690 Have you seen the old man outside the sea-mans mission
19691 Memories fading like the metal ribbons that he wears.
19692 In our winter city the rain cries a little pity
19693 For one more forgotten hero and a world that doesn't care...
19695 Have you seen the well-to-do, up and down Park Avenue?
19696 On that famous thoroughfare, with their noses in the air,
19697 High hats and Arrow collars, white spats and lots of dollars,
19698 Spending every dime, for a wonderful time...
19699 If you're blue and you don't know where to go to,
19700 Why don't you go where fashion sits,
19702 Dressed up like a million dollar trooper,
19703 Trying hard to look like Gary Cooper, (super dooper)
19704 Come, let's mix where Rockefeller's walk with sticks,
19705 Or umbrellas, in their mitts,
19706 Puttin' on the Ritz.
19708 If you're blue and you don't know where to go to,
19709 Why don't you go where fashion sits,
19710 Puttin' on the Ritz.
19711 Puttin' on the Ritz.
19712 Puttin' on the Ritz.
19713 Puttin' on the Ritz.
19715 Having a baby isn't so bad. If you're a female Emperor penguin
19716 in the Antarctic. She lays the egg, rolls it over to the father,
19717 then takes off for warmer weather where she eats and eats and
19718 eats. For two months, the father stands stiff, without food,
19719 blind in the 24-hour dark, balancing the egg on his feet. After
19720 the little penguin is hatched, the mother sees fit to come home.
19721 -- L.M. Boyd, "Austin American-Statesman"
19723 Having a wonderful wine, wish you were beer.
19725 Having children is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.
19728 Having no talent is no longer enough.
19731 Having nothing, nothing can he lose.
19732 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
19734 Having the fewest wants, I am nearest to the gods.
19737 Having wandered helplessly into a blinding snowstorm Sam was greatly
19738 relieved to see a sturdy Saint Bernard dog bounding toward him with
19739 the traditional keg of brandy strapped to his collar.
19740 "At last," cried Sam, "man's best friend -- and a great big
19743 "Hawk, we're going to die."
19744 "Never say die... and certainly never say we."
19747 Hawkeye's Conclusion:
19748 It's not easy to play the clown
19749 when you've got to run the whole circus.
19751 He: Do you like Kipling?
19752 She: Oh, you naughty boy, I don't know! I've never kippled!
19754 He: "If I made love to you, would you yell?"
19755 She: "What do you want me to yell?"
19758 HE: Let's end it all, bequeathin' our brains to science.
19759 SHE: What?!? Science got enough trouble with their OWN brains.
19762 He asked me if I knew what time it was -- I said yes, but not right now.
19765 He didn't run for reelection. "Politics brings you into contact with all
19766 the people you'd give anything to avoid," he said. "I'm staying home."
19767 -- Garrison Keillor, "Lake Wobegone Days"
19769 He does it with a better grace, but I do it more natural.
19770 -- William Shakespeare, "Twelfth-Night"
19772 He draweth out the thread of his verbosity
19773 finer than the staple of his argument.
19774 -- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost"
19776 He gave her a look that you could have poured on a waffle.
19778 He had occasional flashes of silence that made his conversation
19779 perfectly delightful.
19782 He had that rare weird electricity about him -- that extremely wild
19783 and heavy presence that you only see in a person who has abandoned
19784 all hope of ever behaving "normally."
19785 -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing '72"
19787 He hadn't a single redeeming vice.
19790 He has been known by many names; the Prince of Lies, the Director, Lucifer,
19791 Belial, and once, at a party, some obnoxious drunk kept calling him "Dude".
19794 He has not acquired a fortune; the fortune has acquired him.
19797 He hath eaten me out of house and home.
19798 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV"
19800 He heard the snick of a rifle bolt and found himself peering down the muzzle
19801 of a weapon held by a drunken liquor store owner -- "There's a conflict," he
19802 said, "there's a conflict between land and people... the people have to go..."
19803 -- Stan Ridgeway, "Call of the West"
19805 He is a man capable of turning any colour into grey.
19808 He is considered a most graceful speaker
19809 who can say nothing in the most words.
19811 He is no lawyer who cannot take two sides.
19813 He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others.
19816 He is now rising from affluence to poverty.
19819 He is the best of men who dislikes power.
19822 He is truly wise who gains wisdom from another's mishap.
19824 He jests at scars who never felt a wound.
19825 -- Shakespeare, "Romeo and Juliet, II. 2"
19827 He keeps differentiating, flying off on a tangent.
19829 He knew the tavernes well in every toun.
19830 -- Geoffrey Chaucer
19832 He knows not how to know who knows not also how to unknow.
19833 -- Sir Richard Burton
19835 He laughs at every joke three times... once when it's told,
19836 once when it's explained, and once when he understands it.
19838 He looked at me as if I were a side dish he hadn't ordered.
19841 He missed an invaluable opportunity to hold his tongue.
19844 He only knew his iron spine held up the sky -- he didn't realize his brain
19845 had fallen to the ground.
19846 -- The Book of Serenity
19848 (He opens a tolm and begins.)
19850 It says: "In the beginning was the Word."
19851 Already I am stopped. It seems absurd.
19852 The Word does not deserve the highest prize,
19853 I must translate it otherwise.
19854 If I am well inspired and not blind.
19855 It says: "In the beginning was the Mind."
19856 Ponder that first line, wait and see,
19857 Lest you should write too hastily.
19858 Is the Mind the all-creating source?
19859 It ought to say: "In the beginning there was Force."
19860 Yet something warns me as I grasp the pen,
19861 That my translation must be changed again.
19862 The spirit helps me. Now it is exact.
19863 I write: "In the beginning was the Act."
19866 [He] played the King as if afraid someone else might play the ace.
19867 -- Unattributed review of a performance of King Lear.
19869 My tears stuck in their little ducts, refusing to be jerked.
19870 -- Peter Stack, movie review
19872 His performance is so wooden you want to spray him with Liquid Pledge.
19873 -- John Stark, movie review
19875 He played the king as if afraid someone else would play the ace.
19876 -- John Mason Brown, drama critic
19878 He tells you when you've got on too much lipstick,
19879 And helps you with your girdle when your hips stick.
19880 -- O. Nash, on the perfect husband
19882 He that breaks a thing to find out what it is has left the path of wisdom.
19885 He that bringeth a present, findeth the door open.
19886 -- Scottish proverb.
19888 He that composes himself is wiser than he that composes a book.
19891 He that is giddy thinks the world turns round.
19892 -- William Shakespeare, "The Taming of the Shrew"
19894 He that teaches himself has a fool for a master.
19895 -- Benjamin Franklin
19897 He that would govern others, first should be the master of himself.
19899 He thinks by infection, catching an opinion like a cold.
19901 He thinks the Gettysburg Address is where Lincoln lived.
19902 -- Wanda, "A Fish Called Wanda"
19904 He thought he saw an albatross
19905 That fluttered 'round the lamp.
19906 He looked again and saw it was
19907 A penny postage stamp.
19908 "You'd best be getting home," he said,
19909 "The nights are rather damp."
19911 He thought of Musashi, the Sword Saint, standing in his garden more than
19912 three hundred years ago. "What is the 'Body of a rock'?" he was asked.
19913 In answer, Musashi summoned a pupil of his and bid him kill himself by
19914 slashing his abdomen with a knife. Just as the pupil was about to comply,
19915 the Master stayed his hand, saying, "That is the 'Body of a rock'."
19916 -- Eric Van Lustbader
19918 [He] took me into his library and showed me his books, of which he had
19922 He walks as if balancing the family tree on his nose.
19924 He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he
19925 made a woman out of dirt and married her. But when he kissed her, she
19926 disintegrated. Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said, "Dust to
19927 dust," some people laughed, and the cowboy shot them. At his hanging, he
19928 told the others, "I'll be waiting for you in heaven -- with a gun."
19931 He was part of my dream, of course --
19932 but then I was part of his dream too.
19935 He was so narrow-minded he could see through a keyhole with both eyes.
19937 He was the sort of person whose personality
19938 would be greatly improved by a terminal illness.
19940 He who always plows a straight furrow is in a rut.
19942 He who attacks the fundamentals of the American
19943 broadcasting industry attacks democracy itself.
19944 -- William S. Paley, chairman of CBS
19946 He who dares the wrong, acts right, that's how it happens!
19947 -- Poul Henningsen [1894-1967]
19949 He who despairs over an event is a coward, but he who holds hopes for
19950 the human condition is a fool.
19953 He who despises himself nevertheless esteems himself as a self-despiser.
19954 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
19956 He who enters his wife's dressing room is a philosopher or a fool.
19959 He who fears the unknown may one day flee from his own backside.
19962 He who fights and runs away lives to fight another day.
19964 He who foresees calamities suffers them twice over.
19966 He who has a shady past knows that nice guys finish last.
19968 He who has but four and spends five has no need for a wallet.
19970 He who has imagination without learning has wings but no feet.
19972 He who has the courage to laugh is almost as much
19973 a master of the world as he who is ready to die.
19974 -- Giacomo Leopardi
19976 He who hates vices hates mankind.
19978 He who hesitates is a damned fool.
19981 He who hesitates is last.
19983 He who hesitates is sometimes saved.
19985 He who hoots with owls by night cannot soar with eagles by day.
19987 He who invents adages for others to peruse
19988 takes along rowboat when going on cruise.
19990 He who is content with his lot probably has a lot.
19992 He who is flogged by fate and laughs the louder is a masochist.
19994 He who is good for making excuses is seldom good for anything else.
19996 He who is in love with himself has at least this advantage -- he won't
19997 encounter many rivals.
19998 -- Georg Lichtenberg, "Aphorisms"
20000 He who is intoxicated with wine will be sober again in the course of the
20001 night, but he who is intoxicated by the cupbearer will not recover his
20002 senses until the day of judgement.
20005 He who is known as an early riser need not get up until noon.
20007 He who knows, does not speak. He who speaks, does not know.
20010 He who knows not and knows that he knows not is ignorant. Teach him.
20011 He who knows not and knows not that he knows not is a fool. Shun him.
20012 He who knows and knows not that he knows is asleep. Wake him.
20014 He who knows nothing, knows nothing.
20015 But he who knows he knows nothing knows something.
20016 And he who knows someone whose friend's wife's brother knows nothing,
20017 he knows something. Or something like that.
20019 He who knows others is wise.
20020 He who knows himself is enlightened.
20023 He who knows that enough is enough will always have enough.
20026 He who laughs has not yet heard the bad news.
20029 He who laughs last -- missed the punch line.
20031 He who laughs last didn't get the joke.
20033 He who laughs last hasn't been told the terrible truth.
20035 He who laughs last is probably your boss.
20037 He who laughs last probably doesn't understand the joke.
20039 He who laughs last usually had to have joke explained.
20041 He who laughs, lasts.
20043 He who lives without folly is less wise than he believes.
20045 He who loses, wins the race,
20046 And parallel lines meet in space.
20047 -- John Boyd, "Last Starship from Earth"
20049 He who makes a beast of himself gets rid of the pain of being a man.
20052 He who minds his own business is never unemployed.
20054 He who renders warfare fatal to all engaged in it will
20055 be the greatest benefactor the world has yet known.
20056 -- Sir Richard Burton
20058 He who slings mud generally loses ground.
20061 He who slings mud loses ground.
20064 He who spends a storm beneath a tree, takes life with a grain of TNT.
20066 He who steps on others to reach the top has good balance.
20068 He who walks on burning coals is sure to get burned.
20071 He who wonders discovers that this in itself is wonder.
20074 He who writes with no misspelled words has prevented a first suspicion
20075 on the limits of his scholarship or, in the social world, of his general
20076 education and culture.
20077 -- Julia Norton McCorkle
20079 HEAD CRASH!! FILES LOST!!
20082 Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
20084 Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday,
20085 lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
20089 the absent minded sculptor who put his model to bed and
20090 started chiseling on his wife?
20093 the fellow who, upon being told by his shrewish wife that she
20094 would dance on his grave, promptly provided for a burial at sea?
20097 the female activist who went berserk during a demonstration and
20098 attacked a karate-trained cop with a deadly weapon. She ended
20099 up a chopped libber?
20102 the guru who refused Novocain while having a tooth pulled because
20103 he wanted to transcend dental medication?
20106 the pessimistic historian whose latest book has chapter headings
20107 that read "World War One","World War Two" and "Watch This
20111 the wild office Christmas party in a completely automated
20112 company -- the photocopier got drunk and tried to undo the
20113 typewriter's ribbon?
20115 Hear about the Californian terrorist that tried to blow up a bus?
20116 Burned his lips on the exhaust pipe.
20118 Hear me, my chiefs, I am tired; my heart is sick and sad.
20119 From where the sun now stands I Will Fight No More Forever.
20120 -- Chief Joseph of the Nez Perce
20122 Heard that the next Space Shuttle is supposed to carry several
20123 Guernsey cows? It's gonna be the herd shot 'round the world.
20125 Hearts will never be practical until they can be made unbreakable.
20126 -- The Wizard of Oz
20128 Heaven and earth were created all together in the same instant,
20129 on October 23rd, 4004 B.C. at nine o'clock in the morning.
20130 -- Dr. John Lightfoot,
20131 Vice-chancellor of Cambridge University
20134 A place where the wicked cease from troubling you with talk of
20135 their personal affairs, and the good listen with attention while
20136 you expound your own.
20138 Heavier than air flying machines are impossible.
20139 -- Lord Kelvin, President, Royal Society, c. 1895
20142 Seduced by the chocolate side of the force.
20144 Hedonist for hire... no job too easy!
20146 Heisenberg may have been here.
20148 Hell hath no fury like a bureaucrat scorned.
20151 Hell hath no limits, nor is circumscribed in one self place,
20152 for where we are is Hell, and where Hell is there must we ever be.
20153 -- Christopher Marlowe, "Doctor Faustus"
20155 Hell, if you don't try to remake someone,
20156 how are they supposed to know you care?
20158 Hell is empty and all the devils are here.
20159 -- Wm. Shakespeare, "The Tempest"
20162 Truth seen too late.
20165 The first myth of management is that it exists.
20168 The first myth of management is that it exists.
20170 Johnson's Corollary:
20171 Nobody really knows what is going on anywhere within the
20174 Hello. Jim Rockford's machine, this is Larry Doheny's machine. Will you
20175 please have your master call my master at his convenience? Thank you.
20176 Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
20178 Hello, friend! You say things aren't going too well? You say you have a
20179 date with your favorite girl when it starts raining so hard you can't see?
20180 And you're out on some back road when the car stalls and won't start, so
20181 you set off across the fields, and 50 feet of barbed wire hits you right
20182 smack in the puss? And then there's a big explosion behind you and you
20183 don't hear your girl screaming any more?
20185 Well, take a walk in the sun and hold your head up high!
20186 You'll show the world; you'll tell them where to get off!
20187 You'll never give up, never give up, never give up -- that ship!
20190 -- Don Carpenter, quoting a Hollywood agent
20192 Hell's broken loose.
20195 Help! I'm trapped in a Chinese computer factory!
20197 Help! I'm trapped in a PDP 11/70!
20199 HELP! Man trapped in a human body!
20201 HELP! MY TYPEWRITER IS BROKEN!
20204 Help a swallow land at Capistrano.
20206 HELP!!!! I'm being held prisoner in /usr/games/lib!
20208 Help stamp out and abolish redundancy!
20210 Help stamp out Mickey-Mouse computer interfaces -- Menus are for Restaurants!
20212 Hempstone's Question:
20213 If you have to travel on the Titanic, why not go first class?
20215 Her days were spent in a kind of slow bustle; always busy without
20216 getting on, always behind hand and lamenting it, without altering
20217 her ways; wishing to be an economist, without contrivance or
20218 regularity; dissatisfied with her servants, without skill to make
20219 them better, and whether helping, or reprimanding, or indulging
20220 them, without any power of engaging their respect.
20223 Her locks an ancient lady gave
20224 Her loving husband's life to save;
20225 And men -- they honored so the dame --
20226 Upon some stars bestowed her name.
20228 But to our modern married fair,
20229 Who'd give their lords to save their hair,
20230 No stellar recognition's given.
20231 There are not stars enough in heaven.
20233 Here about the young Chinese woman who just won the lottery?
20234 One fortunate cookie...
20236 Here at the Phone Company, we serve all kinds of people;
20237 from President's and Kings to the scum of the earth...
20239 Here comes the orator, with his flood of words and his drop of reason.
20241 Here I am again right where I know I shouldn't be
20242 I've been caught inside this trap too many times
20243 I must've walked these steps and said these words a
20244 thousand times before
20245 It seems like I know everybody's lines.
20246 -- David Bromberg, "How Late'll You Play 'Til?"
20248 Here I am, fifty-eight, and I still don't know what I want to be when
20252 Here I sit, broken-hearted,
20253 All logged in, but work unstarted.
20254 First net.this and net.that,
20255 And a hot buttered bun for net.fat.
20257 The boss comes by, and I play the game,
20258 Then I turn back to net.flame.
20259 Is there a cure (I need your views),
20260 For someone trapped in net.news?
20262 I need your help, I say 'tween sobs,
20263 'Cause I'll soon be listed in net.jobs.
20265 Here in my heart, I am Helen;
20266 I'm Aspasia and Hero, at least.
20267 I'm Judith, and Jael, and Madame de Stael;
20268 I'm Salome, moon of the East.
20270 Here in my soul I am Sappho;
20271 Lady Hamilton am I, as well.
20272 In me Recamier vies with Kitty O'Shea,
20273 With Dido, and Eve, and poor Nell.
20275 I'm all of the glamorous ladies
20276 At whose beckoning history shook.
20277 But you are a man, and see only my pan,
20278 So I stay at home with a book.
20281 Here is a simple experiment that will teach you an important electrical
20282 lesson: On a cool, dry day, scuff your feet along a carpet, then reach your
20283 hand into a friend's mouth and touch one of his dental fillings. Did you
20284 notice how your friend twitched violently and cried out in pain? This
20285 teaches us that electricity can be a very powerful force, but we must never
20286 use it to hurt others unless we need to learn an important electrical lesson.
20287 It also teaches us how an electrical circuit works. When you scuffed
20288 your feet, you picked up batches of "electrons", which are very small objects
20289 that carpet manufacturers weave into carpets so they will attract dirt.
20290 The electrons travel through your bloodstream and collect in your finger,
20291 where they form a spark that leaps to your friend's filling, then travels
20292 down to his feet and back into the carpet, thus completing the circuit.
20295 Here is a test to find whether your mission on earth is finished:
20296 if you're alive, it isn't.
20298 Here is the fact of the week, maybe even the fact of the month. According
20299 to probably reliable sources, the Coca-Cola people are experiencing severe
20300 marketing anxiety in China.
20302 The words "Coca-Cola" translate into Chinese as either (depending on the
20303 inflection) "wax-fattened mare" or "bite the wax tadpole".
20305 Bite the wax tadpole. There is a sort of rough justice, is there not?
20307 The trouble with this fact, as lovely as it is, is that it's hard to get
20308 a whole column out of it. I'd like to teach the world to bite a wax
20309 tadpole. Coke -- it's the real wax-fattened mare. Not bad, but broad
20310 satiric vistas do not open up.
20311 -- John Carrol, San Francisco Chronicle
20313 HERE LIES LESTER MOORE
20314 SHOT 4 TIMES WITH A .44
20317 -- tombstone, in Tombstone, AZ
20319 Here lies my wife: her let her lie!
20320 Now she's at rest, and so am I.
20321 -- John Dryden, epitaph intended for his wife
20323 Here there by tygers.
20325 HERE'S A GOOD JOKE to do during an earthquake. Straddle a big crack in
20326 the earth and if it opens wider, go, "Whoa! Whoa!" and flap your arms
20327 around as if you're going to fall.
20328 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
20330 Here's something to think about: How come you never see a headline like
20331 `Psychic Wins Lottery.'
20334 Here's the holiday schedule for Monday's observation of Martin Luther
20335 King Jr.'s birthday, when the following will be closed:
20337 * Governmental offices
20342 * Parts of Palm Beach
20344 and the mind of Senator Jesse Helms of North Carolina.
20345 -- Dennis Miller, "Saturday Night Live"
20348 He who turns the other cheek too far gets it in the neck.
20350 He's been like a father to me,
20351 He's the only DJ you can get after three,
20352 I'm an all-night musician in a rock and roll band,
20353 And why he don't like me I don't understand.
20358 He's got the heart of a little child,
20359 and he keeps it in a jar on his desk.
20361 He's just a politician trying to save both his faces...
20363 He's just like Capistrano, always ready for a few swallows.
20365 He's like a function -- he returns a value, in the form of
20366 his opinion. It's up to you to cast it into a void or not.
20369 He's the kind of guy, that, well, if you were ever in a jam he'd
20370 be there... with two slices of bread and some chunky peanut butter.
20372 Heuristics are bug ridden by definition.
20373 If they didn't have bugs, then they'd be algorithms.
20375 Hewett's Observation:
20376 The rudeness of a bureaucrat is inversely proportional to his or
20377 her position in the governmental hierarchy and to the number of
20378 peers similarly engaged.
20380 Hey, diddle, diddle the overflow pdl
20381 To get a little more stack;
20382 If that's not enough then you lose it all
20383 And have to pop all the way back.
20385 Hey, Jim, it's me, Susie Lillis from the laundromat. You said you were
20386 gonna call and it's been two weeks. What's wrong, you lose my number?
20388 HEY KIDS! ANN LANDERS SAYS:
20389 Be sure it's true, when you say "I love you". It's a sin to
20390 tell a lie. Millions of hearts have been broken, just because
20391 these words were spoken.
20393 "Hey, Sam, how about a loan?"
20396 "Whattaya got for collateral?"
20398 "How about an eye?"
20401 Hey, what do you expect from a culture that
20402 *drives* on *parkways* and *parks* on *driveways*?
20405 Hi! I'm Larry. This is my brother Bob, and this is my other brother
20406 Jimbo. We thought you might like to know the names of your assailants.
20408 Hi! You have reached 962-0129. None of us are here to answer the phone and
20409 the cat doesn't have opposing thumbs, so his messages are illegible. Please
20410 leave your name and message after the beep...
20412 Hi! How are things going?
20413 (just fine, thank you...)
20414 Great! Say, could I bother you for a question?
20415 (you just asked one...)
20416 Well, how about one more?
20417 (one more than the first one?)
20419 (you already asked that...)
20420 [at this point, Alphonso gets smart... ]
20421 May I ask two questions, sir?
20423 May I ask ONE then?
20425 Then may I ask, sir, how I may ask you a question?
20427 Sir, how may I ask you a question?
20428 (you must ask for retroactive question asking privileges for
20429 the number of questions you have asked, then ask for that
20430 number plus two, one for the current question, and one for the
20432 Sir, may I ask nine questions?
20433 (go right ahead...)
20435 Hi, I'm Preston A. Mantis, president of Consumers Retail Law Outlet. As
20436 you can see by my suit and the fact that I have all these books of equal
20437 height on the shelves behind me, I am a trained legal attorney. Do you have
20438 a car or a job? Do you ever walk around? If so, you probably have the
20439 makings of an excellent legal case. Although of course every case is
20440 different, I would definitely say that based on my experience and training,
20441 there's no reason why you shouldn't come out of this thing with at least a
20444 Remember, at the Preston A. Mantis Consumers Retail Law Outlet, our
20445 motto is: 'It is very difficult to disprove certain kinds of pain.'
20448 Hi Jimbo. Dennis. Really appreciate the help on the income tax.
20449 You wanna help on the audit now?
20451 Hi there! This is just a note from me, to you, to tell you, the person
20452 reading this note, that I can't think up any more famous quotes, jokes,
20453 nor bizarre stories, so you may as well go home.
20455 Hickery Dickery Dock,
20456 The mice ran up the clock,
20457 The clock struck one,
20458 The others escaped with minor injuries.
20460 Hideously disfigured by an ancient Indian curse?
20464 Call (511) 338-0959 for an immediate appointment.
20466 Hier liegt ein Mann ganz ohnegleich;
20467 Im Leibe dick, an Suenden reich.
20468 Wir haben ihn in das Grab gesteckt, Here lies a man with sundry flaws
20469 Weil es uns duenkt er sei verreckt. And numerous Sins upon his head;
20470 We buried him today because
20471 As far as we can tell, he's dead.
20473 -- PDQ Bach's epitaph, as requested by his cousin Betty
20474 Sue Bach and written by the local doggeral catcher;
20475 "The Definitive Biography of PDQ Bach", Peter Schickele
20479 Ruffled the critics by
20480 Dropping this bomb:
20481 "Phooey on Freud and his
20483 Oedipus, Shmoedipus,
20486 Higgins: Doolittle, you're either an honest man or a rogue.
20487 Doolittle: A little of both, Guv'nor. Like the rest of us, a
20489 -- Shaw, "Pygmalion"
20491 High heels are a device invented by a woman
20492 who was tired of being kissed on the forehead.
20494 High Priest: Armaments Chapter One, verses nine through twenty-seven:
20495 Bro. Maynard: And Saint Attila raised the Holy Hand Grenade up on high
20496 saying, "Oh Lord, Bless us this Holy Hand Grenade, and with it
20497 smash our enemies to tiny bits." And the Lord did grin, and the
20498 people did feast upon the lambs, and stoats, and orangutans, and
20499 breakfast cereals, and lima bean-
20500 High Priest: Skip a bit, brother.
20501 Bro. Maynard: And then the Lord spake, saying: "First, shalt thou take
20502 out the holy pin. Then shalt thou count to three. No more, no less.
20503 *Three* shall be the number of the counting, and the number of the
20504 counting shall be three. *Four* shalt thou not count, and neither
20505 count thou two, excepting that thou then goest on to three. Five is
20506 RIGHT OUT. Once the number three, being the third number be reached,
20507 then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade towards thy foe, who, being
20508 naughty in my sight, shall snuff it. Amen.
20510 -- Monty Python, "The Holy Hand Grenade"
20513 A California innovation composed
20514 of equal parts of silicon and marijuana.
20516 Higher education helps your earning capacity. Ask any college professor.
20518 Hildebrant's Principle:
20519 If you don't know where you are going,
20520 any road will get you there.
20522 Him: "Your skin is so soft. Are you a model?"
20523 Her: "No," [blush] "I'm a cosmetologist."
20524 Him: "Really? That's incredible...
20525 It must be very tough to handle weightlessness."
20528 Hindsight is always 20:20.
20531 Hindsight is an exact science.
20534 An animal (now extinct) which was half horse and half griffin.
20535 The griffin was itself a compound creature, half lion and half
20536 eagle. The hippogriff was actually, therefore, only one quarter
20537 eagle, which is two dollars and fifty cents in gold.
20538 The study of zoology is full of surprises.
20540 Hire the morally handicapped.
20542 His designs were strictly honourable, as the phrase is: that is, to rob
20543 a lady of her fortune by way of marriage.
20544 -- Henry Fielding, "Tom Jones"
20546 ...his disciples lead him in; he just does the rest.
20549 "His eyes were cold. As cold as the bitter winter snow that was falling
20550 outside. Yes, cold and therefore difficult to chew..."
20552 His followers called him Mahasamatman and said he was a god. He preferred
20553 to drop the Maha- and the -atman, however, and called himself Sam. He never
20554 claimed to be a god. But then, he never claimed not to be a god. Circum-
20555 stances being what they were, neither admission could be of any benefit.
20556 Silence, though, could. It was in the days of the rains that their prayers
20557 went up, not from the fingering of knotted prayer cords or the spinning of
20558 prayer wheels, but from the great pray-machine in the monastery of Ratri,
20559 goddess of the Night. The high-frequency prayers were directed upward through
20560 the atmosphere and out beyond it, passing into that golden cloud called the
20561 Bridge of the Gods, which circles the entire world, is seen as a bronze
20562 rainbow at night and is the place where the red sun becomes orange at midday.
20563 Some of the monks doubted the orthodoxy of this prayer technique...
20564 -- Roger Zelazny, "Lord of Light"
20566 His heart was yours from the first moment that you met.
20568 His ideas of first-aid stopped short of squirting soda water.
20571 His life was formal; his actions seemed ruled with a ruler.
20573 His mind is like a steel trap: full of mice.
20576 His super power is to turn into a scotch terrier.
20578 Historians have now definitely established that Juan Cabrillo, discoverer
20579 of California, was not looking for Kansas, thus setting a precedent that
20580 continues to this day.
20583 History books which contain no lies are extremely dull.
20585 History has much to say on following the proper procedures. From a history
20586 of the Mexican revolution:
20588 "Hildago was later defeated at Guadalajara. The rebel army was
20589 captured on its way through the mountains. All were courtmartialed and
20590 shot, except Hildago, because he was a priest. He was handed over to
20591 the bishop of Durango who excommunicated him and returned him to the
20592 army where he was then executed."
20594 History has the relation to truth that theology has to religion --
20595 i.e. none to speak of.
20598 History is curious stuff
20599 You'd think by now we had enough
20600 Yet the fact remains I fear
20601 They make more of it every year.
20603 History is nothing but a collection of fables and useless trifles,
20604 cluttered up with a mass of unnecessary figures and proper names.
20607 History is on our side (as long as we can control the historians).
20609 History is the version of past events that people have decided to agree on.
20610 -- Napoleon Bonaparte, "Maxims"
20612 History repeats itself. That's one thing wrong with history.
20614 History repeats itself -- the first time as a tragi-comedy, the second
20615 time as bedroom farce.
20617 History repeats itself only if one does not listen the first time.
20619 History shows that the human mind, fed by constant accessions of knowledge,
20620 periodically grows too large for its theoretical coverings, and bursts them
20621 asunder to appear in new habiliments, as the feeding and growing grub, at
20622 intervals, casts its too narrow skin and assumes another... Truly the imago
20623 state of Man seems to be terribly distant, but every moult is a step gained.
20624 -- Charles Darwin, from "Origin of the Species"
20626 Hit them biscuits with another touch of gravy,
20627 Burn that sausage just a match or two more done.
20628 Pour my black old coffee longer,
20629 While that smell is gettin' stronger
20630 A semi-meal ain't nuthin' much to want.
20632 Loan me ten, I got a feelin' it'll save me,
20633 With an ornery soul who don't shoot pool for fun,
20634 If that coat'll fit you're wearin',
20635 The Lord'll bless your sharin'
20636 A semi-friend ain't nuthin' much to want.
20638 And let me halfway fall in love,
20639 For part of a lonely night,
20640 With a semi-pretty woman in my arms.
20641 Yes, I could halfway fall in deep--
20642 Into a snugglin', lovin' heap,
20643 With a semi-pretty woman in my arms.
20646 Hitchcock's Staple Principle:
20647 The stapler runs out of staples
20648 only while you are trying to staple something.
20650 Hitler used methods against white men in Europe, which by tacit
20651 agreement between the cultural European nations were only to be
20652 used against the coloured.
20653 -- Poul Henningsen [1894-1967]
20655 H.L. Mencken suffers from the hallucination that he is H.L. Mencken.
20656 There is no cure for a disease of that magnitude.
20657 -- Maxwell Bodenhein
20659 H.L. Mencken suffers from the hallucination that he is H.L.
20660 Mencken -- there is no cure for a disease of that magnitude.
20661 -- Maxwell Bodenheim
20663 H.L. Mencken's Law:
20664 Those who can -- do.
20665 Those who can't -- teach.
20667 Martin's Extension:
20668 Those who cannot teach -- administrate.
20670 [No, those who can't teach, teach here. Ed.]
20673 If you have a difficult task, give it to a lazy person --
20674 they will find an easier way to do it.
20676 Hoaars-Faisse Gallery presents:
20677 An exhibit of works by the artist known only as Pretzel.
20679 The exhibit includes several large conceptual works using non-traditional
20680 media and found objects including old sofa-beds, used mace canisters,
20681 discarded sanitary napkins and parts of freeways. The artist explores
20682 our dehumanization due to high technology and unresponsive governmental
20683 structures in a post-industrial world. She/he (the artist prefers to
20684 remain without gender) strives to create dialogue between viewer and
20685 creator, to aid us in our quest to experience contemporary life with its
20686 inner-city tensions, homelessness, global warming and gender and
20687 class-based stress. The works are arranged to lead us to the essence of
20688 the argument: that the alienation of the person/machine boundary has
20689 sapped the strength of our voices and must be destroyed for society to
20690 exist in a more fundamental sense.
20692 Hoare's Law of Large Problems:
20693 Inside every large problem is a small
20694 problem struggling to get out.
20696 Hodie natus est radici frater.
20698 Hoffer's Discovery:
20699 The grand act of a dying institution is to issue a newly
20700 revised, enlarged edition of the policies and procedures manual.
20703 It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take
20704 Hofstadter's Law into account.
20706 HOGAN'S HEROES DRINKING GAME --
20707 Take a shot every time:
20709 -- Sergeant Schultz says, "I knoooooowww nooooothing!"
20710 -- General Burkhalter or Major Hochstetter intimidate/insult Colonel Klink.
20711 -- Colonel Klink falls for Colonel Hogan's flattery.
20712 -- One of the prisoners sneaks out of camp (one shot for each prisoner to go).
20713 -- Colonel Klink snaps to attention after answering the phone (two shots
20714 if it's one of our heroes on the other end).
20715 -- One of the Germans is threatened with being sent to the Russian front.
20716 -- Corporal Newkirk calls up a German in his phoney German accent, and
20717 tricks him (two shots if it's Colonel Klink).
20718 -- Hogan has a romantic interlude with a beautiful girl from the underground.
20719 -- Colonel Klink relates how he's never had an escape from Stalag 13.
20720 -- Sergeant Schultz gives up a secret (two shots if he's bribed with food).
20721 -- The prisoners listen to the Germans' conversation by a hidden transmitter.
20722 -- Sergeant Schultz "captures" one of the prisoners after an escape.
20723 -- Lebeau pronounces "colonel" as "cuh-loh-`nell".
20724 -- Carter builds some kind of device (two shots if it's not explosive).
20725 -- Lebeau wears his apron.
20726 -- Hogan says "We've got no choice" when the someone claims that the
20727 plan is impossible.
20728 -- The prisoners capture an important German, and sneak him out the tunnel.
20731 What thou doest when thy phone is on the fritzeth.
20733 Holy Dilemma! Is this the end for the Caped Crusader and the Boy Wonder?
20734 Will the Joker and the Riddler have the last laugh?
20736 Tune in again tomorrow:
20737 same Bat-time, same Bat-channel!
20741 Home is the place where, when you have to go there,
20742 they have to take you in.
20743 -- Robert Frost, "The Death of the Hired Man"
20745 Home is where the hurt is.
20747 Home life as we understand it is no more natural to us than a
20748 cage is to a cockatoo.
20749 -- George Bernard Shaw
20751 Home on the Range was originally written in beef-flat.
20753 "Home, Sweet Home" must surely have been written by a bachelor.
20756 Honesty is for the most part less profitable than dishonesty.
20759 Honesty pays, but it doesn't seem to pay enough to suit some people.
20762 Honesty's the best policy.
20763 -- Miguel de Cervantes
20766 A short period of doting between dating and debting.
20769 Honi soit la vache qui rit.
20771 Honk if you love peace and quiet.
20774 Afflicted with an impediment in one's reach. In legislative
20775 bodies, it is customary to mention all members as honorable;
20776 as, "the honorable gentleman is a scurvy cur."
20778 Hope is a good breakfast, but it is a bad supper.
20781 Hope is a waking dream.
20784 Hope not, lest ye be disappointed.
20787 Hope that the day after you die is a nice day.
20789 Hoping to goodness is not theologically sound.
20792 Horace's best ode would not please a young woman as much
20793 as the mediocre verses of the young man she is in love with.
20796 Horner's Five Thumb Postulate:
20797 Experience varies directly with equipment ruined.
20799 Horngren's Observation:
20800 Among economists, the real world is often a special case.
20802 Hors d'oeuvres -- a ham sandwich cut into forty pieces.
20805 Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
20808 HOST SYSTEM NOT RESPONDING, PROBABLY DOWN. DO YOU WANT TO WAIT? (Y/N)
20810 HOST SYSTEM RESPONDING, PROBABLY UP...
20812 Hotels are tired of getting ripped off. I checked into a hotel and they
20813 had towels from my house.
20816 Houdini escaping from New Jersey!
20819 If you are out of cream for your coffee,
20820 mayonnaise makes a dandy substitute.
20822 Housework can kill you if done right.
20825 Houston, Tranquillity Base here. The Eagle has landed.
20828 How apt the poor are to be proud.
20829 -- William Shakespeare, "Twelfth-Night"
20831 How can you be in two places at once
20832 when you're not anywhere at all?
20834 How can you do 'New Math' problems with an 'Old Math' mind?
20837 How can you govern a nation which has 246 kinds of cheese?
20838 -- Charles de Gaulle
20840 How can you have any pudding if you don't eat your meat?
20843 How can you prove whether at this moment we are sleeping, and all our
20844 thoughts are a dream; or whether we are awake, and talking to one another
20845 in the waking state?
20848 How can you think and hit at the same time?
20851 How can you work when the system's so crowded?
20853 How come everyone's going so slow if it's called rush hour?
20855 How come financial advisors never seem to be as wealthy as they
20856 claim they'll make you?
20858 How come we never talk anymore?
20860 How come wrong numbers are never busy?
20862 How comes it to pass, then, that we appear such cowards
20863 in reasoning, and are so afraid to stand the test of ridicule?
20866 How could they think women a recreation?
20867 Or the repetition of bodies of steady interest?
20868 Only the ignorant or the busy could. That elm
20869 of flesh must prove a luxury of primes;
20870 be perilous and dear with rain of an alternate earth.
20871 Which is not to damn the forested China of touching.
20872 I am neither priestly nor tired, and the great knowledge
20873 of breasts with their loud nipples congregates in me.
20874 The sudden nakedness, the small ribs, the mouth.
20875 Splendid. Splendid. Splendid. Like Rome. Like loins.
20876 A glamour sufficient to our long marvelous dying.
20877 I say sufficient and speak with earned privilege,
20878 for my life has been eaten in that foliate city.
20879 To ambergris. But not for recreation.
20880 I would not have lost so much for recreation.
20882 Nor for love as the sweet pretend: the children's game
20883 of deliberate ignorance of each to allow the dreaming.
20884 Not for the impersonal belly nor the heart's drunkenness
20885 have I come this far, stubborn, disastrous way.
20886 But for relish of those archipelagoes of person.
20887 To hold her in hand, closed as any sparrow,
20888 and call and call forever till she turn from bird
20889 to blowing woods. From woods to jungle. Persimmon.
20890 To light. From light to princess. From princess to woman
20891 in all her fresh particularity of difference.
20892 Then oh, through the underwater time of night
20893 indecent and still, to speak to her without habit.
20894 This I have done with my life, and am content.
20895 I wish I could tell you how it is in that dark,
20896 standing in the huge singing and the alien world.
20897 -- Jack Gilbert, "Don Giovanni on his way to Hell"
20899 How do you explain school to a higher intelligence?
20902 "How do you know she is a unicorn?" Molly demanded. "And why were you afraid
20903 to let her touch you? I saw you. You were afraid of her."
20904 "I doubt that I will feel like talking for very long," the cat
20905 replied without rancor. "I would not waste time in foolishness if I were
20906 you. As to your first question, no cat out of its first fur can ever be
20907 deceived by appearances. Unlike human beings, who enjoy them. As for your
20908 second question --" Here he faltered, and suddenly became very interested
20909 in washing; nor would he speak until he had licked himself fluffy and then
20910 licked himself smooth again. Even then he would not look at Molly, but
20911 examined his claws.
20912 "If she had touched me," he said very softly, "I would have been
20913 hers and not my own, not ever again."
20914 -- Peter S. Beagle, "The Last Unicorn"
20916 How doth the little crocodile
20917 Improve his shining tail,
20918 And pour the waters of the Nile
20919 On every golden scale!
20921 How cheerfully he seems to grin,
20922 How neatly spreads his claws,
20923 And welcomes little fishes in,
20924 With gently smiling jaws!
20926 How doth the VAX's C-compiler
20927 Improve its object code.
20928 And even as we speak does it
20929 Increase the system load.
20931 How patiently it seems to run
20932 And spit out error flags,
20933 While users, with frustration, all
20934 Tear their clothes to rags.
20936 How is the world ruled, and how do wars start? Diplomats tell lies to
20937 journalists, and they believe what they read.
20938 -- Karl Kraus, "Aphorisms and More Aphorisms"
20940 How kind of you to be willing to live someone's life for them.
20942 How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you're on.
20944 How many "coming men" has one known! Where on earth do they all go to?
20945 -- Sir Arthur Wing Pinero
20947 How many hors d'oeuvres you are allowed to take off a tray being carried by
20948 a waiter at a nice party?
20949 Two, but there are ways around it, depending on the style of the hors
20950 d'oeuvre. If they're those little pastry things where you can't tell what's
20951 inside, you take one, bite off about two-thirds of it, then say: "This is
20952 cheese! I hate cheese!" Then you put the rest of it back on the tray and
20953 bite another one and go, "Darn it! Another cheese!" and so on.
20956 How many priests are needed for a Boston Mass?
20958 How many weeks are there in a light year?
20960 How much does it cost to entice a dope-smoking UNIX system guru to Dayton?
20961 -- UNIX/WORLD's First Annual Salary Survey, Brian Boyle
20963 How much does she love you?
20964 Less than you'll ever know.
20966 How much for your women? I want to buy your
20967 daughter... how much for the little girl?
20968 -- Jake Blues, "The Blues Brothers"
20970 How much net work could a network work, if a network could net work?
20972 How much of their influence on you is a result of your influence on them?
20974 How often I found where I should be going
20975 only by setting out for somewhere else.
20976 -- R. Buckminster Fuller
20978 How sharper than a hound's tooth it is to have a thankless serpent.
20980 How sharper than a serpent's tooth is a sister's "See?"
20983 How to Raise Your I.Q. by Eating Gifted Children
20984 -- Book title by Lewis B. Frumkes
20986 How untasteful can you get?
20988 How wonderful opera would be if there were no singers.
20990 How you look depends on where you go.
20992 However, never daunted, I will cope with adversity
20993 in my traditional manner... sulking and nausea.
20996 However, on religious issues there can be little or no compromise. There
20997 is no position on which people are so immovable as their religious beliefs.
20998 There is no more powerful ally one can claim in a debate than Jesus Christ,
20999 or God, or Allah, or whatever one calls this supreme being. But like any
21000 powerful weapon, the use of God's name on one's behalf should be used
21001 sparingly. The religious factions that are growing throughout our land are
21002 not using their religious clout with wisdom. They are trying to force
21003 government leaders into following their position 100 percent. If you disagree
21004 with these religious groups on a particular moral issue, they complain, they
21005 threaten you with a loss of money or votes or both. I'm frankly sick and
21006 tired of the political preachers across this country telling me as a citizen
21007 that if I want to be a moral person, I must believe in "A," "B," "C," and
21008 "D." Just who do they think they are? And from where do they presume to
21009 claim the right to dictate their moral beliefs to me? And I am even more
21010 angry as a legislator who must endure the threats of every religious group
21011 who thinks it has some God-granted right to control my vote on every roll
21012 call in the Senate. I am warning them today: I will fight them every step
21013 of the way if they try to dictate their moral convictions to all Americans
21014 in the name of "conservatism."
21015 -- Senator Barry Goldwater, Congressional Record
21017 HR 3128. Omnibus Budget Reconciliation, Fiscal 1986. Martin, R-Ill., motion
21018 that the House recede from its disagreement to the Senate amendment making
21019 changes in the bill to reduce fiscal 1986 deficits. The Senate amendment
21020 was an amendment to the House amendment to the Senate amendment to the House
21021 amendment to the Senate amendment to the bill. The original Senate amendment
21022 was the conference agreement on the bill. Agreed to.
21023 -- Albuquerque Journal
21026 Don't take life too seriously;
21027 you won't get out of it alive.
21029 Hug me now, you mad, impetuous fool!!
21031 I'm a computer, and you're a person. It would never work out.
21036 Human beings were created by water to transport it uphill.
21038 Human cardiac catheterization was introduced by Werner Forssman in 1929.
21039 Ignoring his department chief, and tying his assistant to an operating
21040 table to prevent her interference, he placed a ureteral catheter into
21041 a vein in his arm, advanced it to the right atrium [of his heart], and
21042 walked upstairs to the x-ray department where he took the confirmatory
21043 x-ray film. In 1956, Dr. Forssman was awarded the Nobel Prize.
21045 Human kind cannot bear very much reality.
21046 -- T.S. Eliot, "Four Quartets: Burnt Norton"
21048 Human resources are human first, and resources second.
21051 Humanity has advanced, when it has advanced, not because it has been sober,
21052 responsible, and cautious, but because it has been playful, rebellious, and
21056 Humans are communications junkies. We just can't get enough.
21059 Humility is the first of the virtues -- for other people.
21060 -- Oliver Wendell Holmes
21062 Hummingbirds never remember the words to songs.
21064 Humor is a drug which it's the fashion to abuse.
21067 Humorists always sit at the children's table.
21070 "Humpf!" Humpfed a voice! "For almost two days you've run wild and insisted on
21071 chatting with persons who've never existed. Such carryings-on in our peaceable
21072 jungle! We've had quite enough of you bellowing bungle! And I'm here to
21073 state," snapped the big kangaroo, "That your silly nonsensical game is all
21074 through!" And the young kangaroo in her pouch said, "Me, too!"
21075 "With the help of the Wickersham Brothers and dozens of Wickersham
21076 Uncles and Wickersham Cousins and Wickersham In-Laws, whose help I've engaged,
21077 You're going to be roped! And you're going to be caged! And, as for your
21078 dust speck... Hah! That we shall boil in a hot steaming kettle of Beezle-But
21080 -- Dr. Seuss "Horton Hears a Who"
21082 Humpty Dumpty sat on the wall,
21083 Humpty Dumpty had a great fall!
21084 All the king's horses,
21085 And all the king's men,
21086 Had scrambled eggs for breakfast again!
21088 Humpty Dumpty was pushed.
21090 Hurewitz's Memory Principle:
21091 The chance of forgetting something is directly proportional
21092 to... to... uh.....
21095 The best way to make a silk purse from a sow's ear is to begin
21096 with a silk sow. The same is true of money.
21098 If today were half as good as tomorrow is supposed to be, it would
21099 probably be twice as good as yesterday was.
21101 There are no lazy veteran lion hunters.
21103 If you can afford to advertise, you don't need to.
21105 One-tenth of the participants produce over one-third of the output.
21106 Increasing the number of participants merely reduces the average
21108 -- Norman Augustine
21110 I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence.
21111 There's a knob called "brightness", but it doesn't seem to work.
21114 I accept chaos. I am not sure whether it accepts me. I know some people
21115 are terrified of the bomb. But then some people are terrified to be seen
21116 carrying a modern screen magazine. Experience teaches us that silence
21117 terrifies people the most.
21120 I acted to show my love for Jodie Foster.
21123 I ain't got no quarrel with them Viet Congs.
21126 I allow the world to live as it chooses,
21127 and I allow myself to live as I choose.
21129 I also believe that academic freedom should protect the right of a professor
21130 or student to advocate Marxism, socialism, communism, or any other minority
21131 viewpoint -- no matter how distasteful to the majority.
21132 -- Richard M. Nixon
21134 What are our schools for if not indoctrination against Communism?
21135 -- Richard M. Nixon
21137 I always choose my friends for their good looks and my enemies for their
21138 good intellects. Man cannot be too careful in his choice of enemies.
21139 -- Oscar Wilde, "The Picture of Dorian Gray"
21141 I always had a repulsive need to be something more than human.
21144 I always pass on good advice. It is the only thing to do with it.
21145 It is never any good to oneself.
21146 -- Oscar Wilde, "An Ideal Husband"
21148 I always say beauty is only sin deep.
21149 -- Saki, "Reginald's Choir Treat"
21151 I always turn to the sports pages first, which record people's
21152 accomplishments. The front page has nothing but man's failures.
21153 -- Chief Justice Earl Warren
21155 I always wake up at the crack of ice.
21158 I always will remember -- I was in no mood to trifle;
21159 'Twas a year ago November -- I got down my trusty rifle
21160 I went out to shoot some deer And went out to stalk my prey --
21161 On a morning bright and clear. What a haul I made that day!
21162 I went and shot the maximum I tied them to my bumper and
21163 The game laws would allow: I drove them home somehow,
21164 Two game wardens, seven hunters, Two game wardens, seven hunters,
21165 And a cow. And a cow.
21167 The Law was very firm, it People ask me how I do it
21168 Took away my permit-- And I say, "There's nothin' to it!
21169 The worst punishment I ever endured. You just stand there lookin' cute,
21170 It turns out there was a reason: And when something moves, you shoot."
21171 Cows were out of season, and And there's ten stuffed heads
21172 One of the hunters wasn't insured. In my trophy room right now:
21173 Two game wardens, seven hunters,
21174 And a pure-bred gurnsey cow.
21175 -- Tom Lehrer, "The Hunting Song"
21177 I am a bookaholic. If you are a decent
21178 person, you will not sell me another book.
21181 I am dumber than any human and smarter than any administrator.
21183 I am a conscientious man, when I throw
21184 rocks at seabirds I leave no tern unstoned.
21185 -- Ogden Nash, "Everybody's Mind to Me a Kingdom Is"
21187 I am a deeply superficial person.
21190 I am a friend of the working man, and I would rather be his friend
21194 I am a man: nothing human is alien to me.
21195 -- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence)
21197 I am America's child, a spastic slogging on demented
21198 limbs drooling I'll trade my PhD for a telephone voice.
21199 -- Burt Lanier Safford III, "An Obscured Radiance"
21201 I am an optimist. It does not seem too much use being anything else.
21202 -- Winston Churchill
21204 I am changing my name to Chrysler
21205 I am going down to Washington, D.C.
21206 I will tell some power broker
21207 What they did for Iacocca
21208 Will be perfectly acceptable to me!
21210 I am changing my name to Chrysler,
21211 I am heading for that great receiving line.
21212 When they hand a million grand out,
21213 I'll be standing with my hand out,
21214 Yessir, I'll get mine!
21216 I am convinced that the truest act of courage is to sacrifice ourselves
21217 for others in a totally nonviolent struggle for justice. To be a man
21218 is to suffer for others.
21221 I am fairly unrepentant about her poetry. I really think that three
21222 quarters of it is gibberish. However, I must crush down these thoughts
21223 otherwise the dove of peace will shit on me.
21224 -- Noel Coward on Edith Sitwell
21226 I am firm. You are obstinate. He is a pig-headed fool.
21227 -- Katharine Whitehorn
21229 I am getting into abstract painting. Real abstract -- no brush, no canvas,
21230 I just think about it. I just went to an art museum where all of the art
21231 was done by children. All the paintings were hung on refrigerators.
21234 I am, in point of fact, a particularly haughty and exclusive person, of
21235 pre-Adamite ancestral descent. You will understand this when I tell you
21236 that I can trace my ancestry back to a protoplasmal primordial atomic
21237 globule. Consequently, my family pride is something inconceivable. I
21238 can't help it. I was born sneering.
21239 -- Pooh-Bah, "The Mikado"
21241 I am just a nice, clean-cut Mongolian boy.
21242 -- Yul Brynner, 1956
21244 I am looking for a honest man.
21245 -- Diogenes the Cynic
21252 I am not a politician and my other habits are also good.
21255 I am not afraid of tomorrow, for I have seen yesterday and I love today.
21256 -- William Allen White
21258 I am not an Economist. I am an honest man!
21261 I am not now and never have been a girl friend of Henry Kissinger.
21264 I am of the belief that catnip arrived on the planet in the same spaceship
21265 that delivered cats. It is the only thing they have from their home
21266 planet. Tuna, chicken, sparrow-brains, etc., these are all things of our
21267 world that they like, but catnip is crack from home.
21270 I am professionally trained in computer science, which is to say
21271 (in all seriousness) that I am extremely poorly educated.
21272 -- Joseph Weizenbaum, "Computer Power and Human Reason"
21274 I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared
21275 for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.
21278 I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone
21279 has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top.
21280 -- Professor Lowd, English, Ohio University
21282 I am the mother of all things, and all things should wear a sweater.
21284 I am the wandering glitch -- catch me if you can.
21286 I am two fools, I know, for loving, and for saying so.
21289 I am two with nature.
21292 I am very fond of the company of ladies. I like their beauty,
21293 I like their delicacy, I like their vivacity, and I like their silence.
21296 I appreciate the fact that this draft was done in haste, but some of the
21297 sentences that you are sending out in the world to do your work for you are
21298 loitering in taverns or asleep beside the highway.
21299 -- Dr. Dwight Van de Vate, Professor of Philosophy,
21300 University of Tennessee at Knoxville
21302 I asked the engineer who designed the communication terminal's keyboards
21303 why these were not manufactured in a central facility, in view of the
21304 small number needed [1 per month] in his factory. He explained that this
21305 would be contrary to the political concept of local self-sufficiency.
21306 Therefore, each factory needing keyboards, no matter how few, manufactures
21307 them completely, even molding the keypads.
21308 -- Isaac Auerbach, IEEE "Computer", Nov. 1979
21310 I attribute my success to intelligence, guts, determination, honesty,
21311 ambition, and having enough money to buy people with those qualities.
21319 I base my fashion taste on what doesn't itch.
21322 I began many years ago, as so many young men do, in searching for the
21323 perfect woman. I believed that if I looked long enough, and hard enough,
21324 I would find her and then I would be secure for life. Well, the years
21325 and romances came and went, and I eventually ended up settling for someone
21326 a lot less than my idea of perfection. But one day, after many years
21327 together, I lay there on our bed recovering from a slight illness. My
21328 wife was sitting on a chair next to the bed, humming softly and watching
21329 the late afternoon sun filtering through the trees. The only sounds to
21330 be heard elsewhere were the clock ticking, the kettle downstairs starting
21331 to boil, and an occasional schoolchild passing beneath our window. And
21332 as I looked up into my wife's now wrinkled face, but still warm and
21333 twinkling eyes, I realized something about perfection... It comes only
21335 -- James L. Collymore, "Perfect Woman"
21337 I believe a little incompatibility is the spice of life,
21338 particularly if he has income and she is pattable.
21341 I believe in an America where the separation of church and state is absolute
21342 -- where no Catholic prelate would tell the president (should he be Catholic)
21343 how to act, and no Protestant minister would tell his parishioners for whom
21344 to vote -- where no church or church school is granted any public funds or
21345 political preference -- and where no man is denied public office merely
21346 because his religion differs from the president who might appoint him or
21347 the people who might elect him.
21350 I believe in getting into hot water; it keeps you clean.
21353 I believe in sex and death -- two experiences that come once in a lifetime.
21356 I believe that professional wrestling is clean
21357 and everything else in the world is fixed.
21358 -- Frank Deford, sports writer
21360 I believe that the moment is near when by a procedure of active paranoiac
21361 thought, it will be possible to systematize confusion and contribute to the
21362 total discrediting of the world of reality.
21365 I belong to no organized party. I am a Democrat.
21368 I bet the human brain is a kludge.
21371 I BET WHAT HAPPENED was they discovered fire and invented the wheel on
21372 the same day. Then that night, they burned the wheel.
21373 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
21375 I BET WHEN NEANDERTHAL KIDS would make a snowman, someone would always
21376 end up saying, "Don't forget the thick heavy brows." Then they would get
21377 embarrassed because they remembered they had the big hunky brows too, and
21378 they'd get mad and eat the snowman.
21379 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
21381 I bet you have fun chasing the soap around the bathtub.
21382 -- Princess Diana, to a one-armed war veteran during
21383 a visit to a London veterans hospital
21385 I bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house.
21388 I braved the contempt of my friends last week and ventured out to see
21389 Bambi, the Disney rerelease that is proving to be a hit once again in the
21390 box office. I was looking forward to a gentle, soothing, late afternoon
21391 relief from the Washington Summer. Instead I was traumatized. As a
21392 psycho-sexual return to the horrors of early adolescence, it couldn't be
21393 more effective. For the first half-hour, you're lulled into an agreeable
21394 sense of security and comfort. Birds twitter; small rabbits turn out to
21395 be great conversationalists. Pop is what Senator Moynihan would describe
21396 as an absent father, but Mom's there to make you feel OK in the odd
21397 thunderstorm. You make great friends, fool around on the ice, discover
21398 the meadow, generally mellow out. Then, without any particular warning,
21399 your mom gets shot, your voice breaks, huge growths start appearing on
21400 your head, and your peers start heading off into the clover with the
21401 apparent intention of having sex. Next thing you know, the forest burns
21402 down. If I were still eight, I think I'd prefer Rambo III.
21405 I call them as I see them. If I can't see them, I make them up.
21408 I called my parents the other night, but I forgot about the time difference.
21409 They're still living in the fifties.
21412 I came, I saw, I deleted all your files.
21414 I came out of twelve years of college and I didn't even know how to sew.
21415 All I could do was account -- I couldn't even account for myself.
21416 -- Firesign Theatre
21418 I came to MIT to get an education for myself and a diploma for my mother.
21420 I can give you my word, but I know what it's worth and you don't.
21421 -- Nero Wolfe, "Over My Dead Body"
21423 I can hire one half of the working class to kill the other half.
21426 I can mend the break of day, heal a broken heart,
21427 and provide temporary relief to nymphomaniacs.
21430 I can relate to that.
21432 I can resist anything but temptation.
21434 I can see him a'comin'
21435 With his big boots on,
21436 With his big thumb out,
21437 He wants to get me.
21438 He wants to hurt me.
21439 He wants to bring me down.
21440 But some time later,
21441 When I feel a little straighter,
21442 I'll come across a stranger
21443 Who'll remind me of the danger,
21444 And then.... I'll run him over.
21445 Pretty smart on my part!
21446 To find my way... In the dark!
21449 I can write better than anybody who can write faster,
21450 and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.
21453 I cannot and will not cut my conscience to fit this year's fashions.
21456 I cannot believe that God plays dice with the cosmos.
21457 -- Albert Einstein, on the randomness of quantum mechanics
21459 I cannot draw a cart, nor eat dried oats;
21460 If it be man's work I will do it.
21462 I can't believe that out of 100,000 sperm, you were the quickest.
21465 I can't complain, but sometimes I still do.
21468 I can't decide whether to commit suicide or go bowling.
21469 -- Florence Henderson
21471 I can't die until the government finds a safe place to bury my liver.
21474 I Can't Get Over You, So I Get Up and Go Around to the Other Side
21475 If You Won't Leave Me Alone, I'll Find Someone Who Will
21476 I Knew That You'd Committed a Sin When You Came Home Late With
21477 Your Socks Outside-in
21478 I'm a Rabbit in the Headlights of Your Love
21479 Don't Kick My Tires If You Ain't Gonna Take Me For a Ride
21480 I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well
21481 I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better
21482 I've Got Red Eyes From Your White Lies and I'm Blue All the Time
21483 -- proposed Country-Western song titles from "Wordplay"
21485 I can't mate in captivity.
21486 -- Gloria Steinem, on why she has never married.
21488 I can't seem to bring myself to say, "Well, I guess I'll be toddling along."
21489 It isn't that I can't toddle. It's that I can't guess I'll toddle.
21492 I can't stand squealers; hit that guy.
21493 -- Albert Anastasia
21495 I can't stand this proliferation of paperwork. It's useless to fight the
21496 forms. You've got to kill the people producing them.
21497 -- Vladimir Kabaidze, general director of the Ivanovo Machine
21498 Building Works (near Moscow) in a speech to the Communist
21501 I can't understand it.
21502 I can't even understand the people who can understand it.
21503 -- Queen Juliana of the Netherlands
21505 I can't understand why a person will take a year or two to write a
21506 novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars.
21509 I can't understand why people are frightened of new ideas.
21510 I'm frightened of the old ones.
21513 I collect rare photographs... I have two... One of Houdini locking his
21514 keys in his car... the other is a rare picture of Norman Rockwell beating
21518 I come from a small town whose population never changed. Each time
21519 a woman got pregnant, someone left town.
21520 -- Michael Prichard
21522 I consider a new device or technology to have been
21523 culturally accepted when it has been used to commit a murder.
21526 I consider the day misspent that I am not
21527 either charged with a crime, or arrested for one.
21528 -- "Ratsy" Tourbillon
21530 I could never learn to like her --
21531 except on a raft at sea with no other provisions in sight.
21534 I couldn't possibly fail to disagree with you less.
21536 I couldn't remember when I had been so disappointed. Except perhaps the
21537 time I found out that M&Ms really DO melt in your hand.
21540 I despise the pleasure of pleasing people whom I despise.
21542 I didn't believe in reincarnation in any of my other lives. I don't see why
21543 I should have to believe in it in this one.
21546 I didn't do it! Nobody saw me do it! Can't prove anything!
21549 I didn't get sophisticated -- I just got tired.
21550 But maybe that's what sophisticated is -- being tired.
21553 I didn't know he was dead; I thought he was British.
21555 I didn't like the play, but I saw it under adverse conditions.
21556 The curtain was up.
21558 "I didn't order any WOO-WOO... Maybe a YUBBA... But no WOO-WOO!"
21559 -- Zippy the Pinhead
21561 I disagree with what you say, but will defend
21562 to the death your right to tell such LIES!
21564 I distrust a close-mouthed man. He generally picks the wrong time to talk
21565 and says the wrong things. Talking's something you can't do judiciously,
21566 unless you keep in practice. Now, sir, we'll talk if you like. I'll tell
21567 you right out, I'm a man who likes talking to a man who likes to talk.
21568 -- Sidney Greenstreet, "The Maltese Falcon"
21570 I distrust a man who says when. If he's got to be careful not to drink
21571 too much, it's because he's not to be trusted when he does.
21572 -- Sidney Greenstreet, "The Maltese Falcon"
21574 I do desire we may be better strangers.
21575 -- William Shakespeare, "As You Like It"
21577 I do enjoy a good long walk -- especially when my wife takes one.
21579 I do hate sums. There is no greater mistake than to call arithmetic an
21580 exact science. There are permutations and aberrations discernible to minds
21581 entirely noble like mine; subtle variations which ordinary accountants fail
21582 to discover; hidden laws of number which it requires a mind like mine to
21583 perceive. For instance, if you add a sum from the bottom up, and then again
21584 from the top down, the result is always different.
21587 I do not believe in the creed professed by the Jewish Church, by the Roman
21588 Church, by the Greek Church, by the Turkish Church, by the Protestant Church,
21589 nor by any Church that I know of. My own mind is my own Church.
21592 I do not care if half the league strikes. Those who do will encounter
21593 quick retribution. All will be suspended, and I don't care if it wrecks
21594 the National League for five years. This is the United States of America
21595 and one citizen has as much right to play as another.
21596 -- Ford Frick, National League President, reacting to a
21597 threatened strike by some Cardinal players in 1947 if
21598 Jackie Robinson took the field against St. Louis. The
21599 Cardinals backed down and played.
21601 I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.
21604 I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with
21605 sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.
21608 I do not know myself and God forbid that I should.
21609 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
21611 I do not know where to find in any literature, whether ancient or modern,
21612 any adequate account of that nature with which I am acquainted. Mythology
21613 comes nearest to it of any.
21614 -- Henry David Thoreau
21616 I do not know whether I was then a man dreaming I was a
21617 butterfly, or whether I am now a butterfly dreaming I am a man.
21620 I do not remember ever having seen a sustained argument by an author which,
21621 starting from philosophical premises likely to meet with general acceptance,
21622 reached the conclusion that a praiseworthy ordering of one's life is to
21623 devote it to research in mathematics.
21624 -- Sir Edmund Whittaker, "Scientific American", Vol. 183
21626 I do not seek the ignorant; the ignorant seek me -- I will instruct them.
21627 I ask nothing but sincerity. If they come out of habit, they become
21631 I do not take drugs -- I am drugs.
21634 I don't believe in astrology. But then I'm an
21635 Aquarius, and Aquarians don't believe in astrology.
21638 I don't care how poor and inefficient a little country is; they like to
21639 run their own business. I know men that would make my wife a better
21640 husband than I am; but, darn it, I'm not going to give her to 'em.
21641 -- The Best of Will Rogers
21643 I don't care what star you're following, get that camel off my front lawn!
21644 -- Heard in Bethlehem
21646 I don't care where I sit as long as I get fed.
21649 I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't
21650 deserve that either.
21653 I don't do it for the money.
21654 -- Donald Trump, Art of the Deal
21656 I don't drink, I don't like it, it makes me feel too good.
21659 I don't even butter my bread. I consider that cooking.
21660 -- Katherine Cebrian
21662 I don't get no respect.
21664 I don't have an eating problem. I eat.
21665 I get fat. I buy new clothes. No problem.
21667 I don't have any solution but I certainly admire the problem.
21668 -- Ashleigh Brilliant
21670 I don't have any use for bodyguards, but I do have a specific use for two
21671 highly trained certified public accountants.
21674 I don't have to take this abuse from you -- I've got
21675 hundreds of people waiting to abuse me.
21676 -- Bill Murray, "Ghostbusters"
21678 I don't kill flies, but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them above
21679 globes. They freak out and yell "Whooa, I'm *way* too high."
21682 I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to.
21685 I don't know what Descartes' got,
21686 But booze can do what Kant cannot.
21689 I don't know who my grandfather was; I am much
21690 more concerned to know what his grandson will be.
21693 I don't know why anyone would want a computer in their home.
21694 -- Ken Olsen, president of DEC, 1974
21696 I don't know why we're here, I say we all go home and free associate.
21698 I don't like spinach, and I'm glad I don't,
21699 because if I liked it I'd eat it, and I'd just hate it.
21702 I don't like the Dutchman. He's a crocodile. He's sneaky.
21704 -- Jack "Legs" Diamond, just before a peace conference
21705 with Dutch Schultz.
21707 I don't trust Legs. He's nuts. He gets excited and starts pulling a
21708 trigger like another guy wipes his nose.
21709 -- Dutch Schultz, just before a peace conference with
21712 I don't make the rules, Gil, I only play the game.
21715 I don't mind arguing with myself.
21716 It's when I lose that it bothers me.
21719 I don't mind what Congress does, as long as they don't do it in the
21720 streets and frighten the horses.
21723 I don't need no arms around me...
21724 I don't need no drugs to calm me...
21725 I have seen the writing on the wall.
21726 Don't think I need anything at all.
21727 No! Don't think I need anything at all!
21728 All in all, it was all just bricks in the wall.
21729 All in all, it was all just bricks in the wall.
21730 -- Pink Floyd, "Another Brick in the Wall", Part III
21732 I don't remember it, but I have it written down.
21734 I don't see what's wrong with giving Bobby a little experience before
21735 he starts to practice law.
21736 -- John F. Kennedy, upon appointing his brother
21739 I DON'T THINK I'M ALONE when I say I'd like to see more and more planets
21740 fall under the ruthless domination of our solar system.
21741 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
21743 I don't think they are going to give a shit about the Republican
21744 Committee trying to bug the Democratic Committee's headquarters.
21745 -- Richard Nixon, 1972
21747 "I don't understand," said the scientist, "why you lemmings all rush down
21748 to the sea and drown yourselves."
21750 "How curious," said the lemming. "The one thing I don't understand is why
21751 you human beings don't."
21754 I don't understand you anymore.
21756 I don't wanna argue, and I don't wanna fight,
21757 But there will definitely be a party tonight...
21759 I don't want a pickle,
21760 I just wanna ride on my motorcycle.
21761 And I don't want to die,
21762 I just want to ride on my motorcycle.
21765 I don't want people to love me. It makes for obligations.
21768 I don't want to achieve immortality through my work.
21769 I want to achieve immortality through not dying.
21772 I don't want to bore you, but there's nobody else around for me to bore.
21774 I don't want to live on in my work, I want to live on in my apartment.
21777 I don't wish to appear overly inquisitive, but are you still alive?
21779 I dote on his very absence.
21780 -- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"
21782 I drink to make other people interesting.
21783 -- George Jean Nathan
21785 I either want less decadence or more chance to participate in it.
21787 I enjoy the time that we spend together.
21789 I exist, therefore I am paid.
21791 I fear explanations explanatory of things explained.
21793 I feel sorry for your brain... all alone in that great big head...
21795 I fell asleep reading a dull book,
21796 and I dreamt that I was reading on,
21797 so I woke up from sheer boredom.
21799 I figure that if God actually does exist, He's big enough to understand an
21800 honest difference of opinion.
21803 I finally went to the eye doctor. I got contacts.
21804 I only need them to read, so I got flip-ups.
21807 I find this corpse guilty of carrying a concealed weapon and I fine it $40.
21808 -- Judge Roy Bean, finding a pistol and $40 on a man he'd
21811 I found Rome a city of bricks and left it a city of marble.
21814 I gave my love an Apple, that had no core;
21815 I gave my love a building, that had no floor;
21816 I wrote my love a program, that had no end;
21817 I gave my love an upgrade, with no cryin'.
21819 How can there be an Apple, that has no core?
21820 How can there be a building, that has no floor?
21821 How can there be a program, that has no end?
21822 How can there be an upgrade, with no cryin'?
21824 An Apple's MOS memory don't use no core!
21825 A building that's perfect, it has no flaw!
21826 A program with GOTOs, it has no end!
21827 I lied about the upgrade, with no cryin'!
21829 I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it.
21832 I get my exercise acting as pallbearer to my friends who exercise.
21835 I get up each morning, gather my wits.
21836 Pick up the paper, read the obits.
21837 If I'm not there I know I'm not dead.
21838 So I eat a good breakfast and go back to bed.
21840 Oh, how do I know my youth is all spent?
21841 My get-up-and-go has got-up-and-went.
21842 But in spite of it all, I'm able to grin,
21843 And think of the places my get-up has been.
21846 I give you the man who -- the man who -- uh, I forgets the man who?
21847 -- Beauregard Bugleboy
21849 I go on working for the same reason a hen goes on laying eggs.
21852 I go the way that Providence dictates.
21855 "I got into an elevator at work and this man followed in after me... I
21856 pushed '1' and he just stood there... I said 'Hi, where you going?' He
21857 said, 'Phoenix.' So I pushed Phoenix. A few seconds later the doors
21858 opened, two tumbleweeds blew in... we were in downtown Phoenix. I looked
21859 at him and said 'You know, you're the kind of guy I want to hang around
21860 with.' We got into his car and drove out to his shack in the desert.
21861 Then the phone rang. He said 'You get it.' I picked it up and said
21862 'Hello?'... the other side said 'Is this Steven Wright?'... I said 'Yes...'
21863 The guy said 'Hi, I'm Mr. Jones, the student loan director from your bank...
21864 It seems you have missed your last 17 payments, and the university you
21865 attended said that they received none of the $17,000 we loaned you... we
21866 would just like to know what happened to the money?' I said, 'Mr. Jones,
21867 I'll give it to you straight. I gave all of the money to my friend Slick,
21868 and with it he built a nuclear weapon... and I would appreciate it you never
21872 I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now
21873 when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer and
21874 farther, trying to see it clearly)... and says, "Here, you can go."
21877 I got the bill for my surgery. Now I know what those doctors were
21881 I got this powdered water -- now I don't know what to add.
21884 I got tired of listening to the recording on the phone at the movie
21885 theater. So I bought the album. I got kicked out of a theater the
21886 other day for bringing my own food in. I argued that the concession
21887 stand prices were outrageous. Besides, I hadn't had a barbecue in a
21888 long time. I went to the theater and the sign said adults $5 children
21889 $2.50. I told them I wanted 2 boys and a girl. I once took a cab to
21890 a drive-in movie. The movie cost me $95.
21893 I got vision, and the rest of the world wears bifocals.
21896 I GUESS I KINDA LOST CONTROL because in the middle of the play I ran up
21897 and lit the evil puppet villain on fire.
21899 No, I didn't. Just kidding. I just said that to illustrate one of the
21900 human emotions which is freaking out. Another emotion is greed, as when
21901 you kill someone for money or something like that. Another emotion is
21902 generosity, as when you pay someone double what he paid for his stupid
21904 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
21906 I GUESS I'LL NEVER FORGET HER. And maybe I don't want to. Her spirit
21907 was wild, like a wild monkey. Her beauty was like a beautiful horse
21908 being ridden by a wild monkey. I forget her other qualities.
21909 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
21911 I guess I've been so wrapped up in playing the game that I never took
21912 time enough to figure out where the goal line was -- what it meant to
21913 win -- or even how you won.
21916 I guess I've been wrong all my life, but so have billions of
21917 other people... Certainty is just an emotion.
21920 I GUESS OF ALL MY UNCLES, I liked Uncle Caveman the best. We called him
21921 Uncle Caveman because he lived in a cave and because sometimes he'd eat
21922 one of us. Later, we found out he was a bear.
21923 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
21925 I guess the Little League is even littler than we thought.
21928 I GUESS WE WERE ALL GUILTY, in a way. We shot him, we skinned him, and
21929 we all got a complimentary bumper sticker that said, "I helped skin Bob."
21930 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
21932 I had a dream last night...
21933 I dreamt about 1976.
21934 I dreamt about a country with incurable brain damage...
21935 I even dreamt they gave it a heart transplant.
21936 Then I woke up and I knew it was only a nightmare...
21937 so I went back to sleep again.
21938 -- Ralph Steadman, "Fear and Loathing '72"
21940 I had a feeling once about mathematics -- that I saw it all. Depth beyond
21941 depth was revealed to me -- the Byss and the Abyss. I saw -- as one might
21942 see the transit of Venus or even the Lord Mayor's Show -- a quantity passing
21943 through infinity and changing its sign from plus to minus. I saw exactly
21944 why it happened and why tergiversation was inevitable -- but it was after
21945 dinner and I let it go.
21946 -- Winston Churchill
21948 I had a virgin once. I had to go to Guatemala for her. She was blind
21949 in one eye, and she had a stuffed alligator that said, "Welcome to Miami
21953 I had another dream the other day about government financial management
21954 people. They were small and rodent-like with padlocked ears, as if they
21955 had stepped out of a painting by Goya.
21957 I had another dream the other day about music critics. They were small
21958 and rodent-like with padlocked ears, as if they had stepped out of a
21962 I had never been too political, but I knew how white people treated black
21963 people and it was hard for me to come back to the bullshit white people
21964 put a black person through in this country. To realize you don't have any
21965 power to make things different is a bitch.
21968 I had no shoes and I pitied myself. Then I met a man who had no feet,
21969 so I took his shoes.
21972 I had the rare misfortune of being one of the first people to try and
21973 implement a PL/1 compiler.
21976 I had to hit him -- he was starting to make sense.
21978 I hate babies. They're so human.
21984 I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day cause that means
21985 it's going to be up all night.
21988 I hate mankind, for I think myself one of the best of them,
21989 and I know how bad I am.
21993 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
21995 I hate small towns because once you've seen the cannon in the park
21996 there's nothing else to do.
21999 I hate trolls. Maybe I could metamorph it into something else -- like a
22000 ravenous, two-headed, fire-breathing dragon.
22003 I have a box of telephone rings under my bed. Whenever I get lonely, I
22004 open it up a little bit, and I get a phone call. One day I dropped the
22005 box all over the floor. The phone wouldn't stop ringing. I had to get
22006 it disconnected. So I got a new phone. I didn't have much money, so I
22007 had to get an irregular. It doesn't have a five. I ran into a friend
22008 of mine on the street the other day. He said why don't you give me a
22009 call. I told him I can't call everybody I want to anymore, my phone
22010 doesn't have a five. He asked how long had it been that way. I said I
22011 didn't know -- my calendar doesn't have any sevens.
22014 I have a dog; I named him Stay. So when I'd go to call him, I'd say, "Here,
22015 Stay, here..." but he got wise to that. Now when I call him he ignores me
22016 and just keeps on typing.
22019 I have a dream. I have a dream that one day, on the red hills of Georgia,
22020 the sons of former slaves and the sons of former slaveowners will be able to
22021 sit down together at the table of brotherhood.
22022 -- Martin Luther King, Jr.
22024 I have a friend whose a billionaire. He invented Cliff's notes. When
22025 I asked him how he got such a great idea he said, "Well first I...
22026 I just... to make a long story short..."
22029 I have a hard time being attracted to anyone who can beat me up.
22030 -- John McGrath, Atlanta sportswriter, on women weightlifters.
22032 I have a hobby. I have the world's largest collection of sea shells.
22033 I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen
22037 I have a little shadow that goes in and out with me,
22038 And what can be the use of him is more than I can see.
22039 He is very, very like me from the heels up to the head;
22040 And I see him jump before me, when I jump into my bed.
22042 The funniest thing about him is the way he likes to grow--
22043 Not at all like proper children, which is always very slow;
22044 For he sometimes shoots up taller, like an india-rubber ball,
22045 And he sometimes gets so little that there's none of him at all.
22048 I have a map of the United States. It's actual size.
22049 I spent last summer folding it.
22050 People ask me where I live, and I say, "E6".
22053 I have a rock garden. Last week three of them died.
22056 I have a simple philosophy:
22060 Scratch where it itches.
22063 I have a switch in my apartment that doesn't do anything. Every once
22064 in a while I turn it on and off. On and off. On and off. One day I
22065 got a call from a woman in France who said "Cut it out!"
22068 I have a terrible headache, I was putting on toilet water and the lid fell.
22070 I have a theory that it's impossible to prove anything,
22071 but I can't prove it.
22073 I have a very small mind and must live with it.
22074 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
22076 I have a very strange feeling about this...
22079 "I have accepted Provolone into my life!"
22080 -- Zippy the Pinhead
22082 I have already given two cousins to the war and I stand ready to
22083 sacrifice my wife's brother.
22086 I have always noticed that whenever a radical takes
22087 to Imperialism, he catches it in a very acute form.
22088 -- Winston Churchill, 1903
22090 I have an existential map. It has "You are here" written all over it.
22093 I have become me without my consent.
22095 I have come up with a surefire concept for a hit television show, which
22096 would be called "A Live Celebrity Gets Eaten by a Shark."
22097 -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV"
22099 I have come up with a sure-fire concept for a hit television show,
22100 which would be called `A Live Celebrity Gets Eaten by a Shark'.
22103 I have defined the hundred per cent American as ninety-nine per
22105 -- George Bernard Shaw
22107 I have discovered that all human evil comes from this, man's being unable
22108 to sit still in a room.
22111 I have discovered the art of deceiving diplomats.
22112 I tell them the truth and they never believe me.
22113 -- Camillo Di Cavour
22115 I have found it impossible to carry the heavy burden of responsibility and
22116 to discharge my duties as king as I would wish to do without the help and
22117 support of the woman I love.
22118 -- Edward, Duke of Windsor, 1936, announcing his abdication
22119 of the British throne in order to marry the American
22120 divorcee Wallis Warfield Simpson.
22122 I have found little that is good about human beings. In my experience
22123 most of them are trash.
22126 I have gained this by philosophy:
22127 that I do without being commanded what others
22128 do only from fear of the law.
22131 I have given two cousins to war and I stand ready to sacrifice my
22135 I have great faith in fools -- self confidence my friends call it.
22138 I have had my television aerials removed. It's the moral equivalent
22139 of a prostate operation.
22140 -- Malcolm Muggeridge
22142 I have hardly ever known a mathematician who was capable of reasoning.
22145 I have just had eighteen whiskeys in a row.
22146 I do believe that is a record.
22147 -- Dylan Thomas, his last words
22149 I have learned silence from the talkative,
22150 toleration from the intolerant, and kindness from the unkind.
22153 I have lots of things in my pockets;
22154 None of them is worth anything.
22155 Sociopolitical whines aside,
22156 Gan you give me, gratis, free,
22157 The price of half a gallon
22159 And most of the bus fare home.
22161 I have made mistakes but I have never made the
22162 mistake of claiming that I have never made one.
22163 -- James Gordon Bennett
22165 I have made this letter longer than usual
22166 because I lack the time to make it shorter.
22169 I have more hit points that you can possible imagine.
22171 I have more humility in my little finger than you have in your whole BODY!
22174 I have never been one to sacrifice
22175 my appetite on the altar of appearance.
22178 I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.
22181 I have never seen anything fill up a vacuum so fast and still suck.
22184 Steve Jobs said two years ago that X is brain-damaged and it will be
22185 gone in two years. He was half right.
22188 Dennis Ritchie is twice as bright as Steve Jobs, and only half wrong.
22191 I have never understood this liking for war. It panders to instincts
22192 already catered for within the scope of any respectable domestic
22196 I have no doubt that it is a part of the destiny of the human race,
22197 in its gradual improvement, to leave off eating animals.
22200 I have no doubt the Devil grins,
22201 As seas of ink I spatter.
22202 Ye gods, forgive my "literary" sins--
22203 The other kind don't matter.
22204 -- Robert W. Service
22206 I have no right, by anything I do or say, to demean a human being in his
22207 own eyes. What matters is not what I think of him; it is what he thinks
22208 of himself. To undermine a man's self-respect is a sin.
22209 -- Antoine de Saint-Exupery
22211 I have not yet begun to byte!
22213 I have nothing but utter contempt for the courts of this land.
22216 I have now come to the conclusion never again to think of marrying,
22217 and for this reason: I can never be satisfied with anyone who would
22218 be blockhead enough to have me.
22221 I have often looked at women and committed adultery in my heart.
22224 I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.
22227 I have sacrificed time, health, and fortune, in the desire to complete these
22228 Calculating Engines. I have also declined several offers of great personal
22229 advantage to myself. But, notwithstanding the sacrifice of these advantages
22230 for the purpose of maturing an engine of almost intellectual power, and
22231 after expending from my own private fortune a larger sum than the government
22232 of England has spent on that machine, the execution of which it only
22233 commenced, I have received neither an acknowledgement of my labors, not even
22234 the offer of those honors or rewards which are allowed to fall within the
22235 reach of men who devote themselves to purely scientific investigations...
22236 If the work upon which I have bestowed so much time and thought were
22237 a mere triumph over mechanical difficulties, or simply curious, or if the
22238 execution of such engines were of doubtful practicability or utility, some
22239 justification might be found for the course which has been taken; but I
22240 venture to assert that no mathematician who has a reputation to lose will
22241 ever publicly express an opinion that such a machine would be useless if
22242 made, and that no man distinguished as a civil engineer will venture to
22243 declare the construction of such machinery impracticable...
22244 And at a period when the progress of physical science is obstructed
22245 by that exhausting intellectual and manual labor, indispensable for its
22246 advancement, which it is the object of the Analytical Engine to relieve, I
22247 think the application of machinery in aid of the most complicated and abtruse
22248 calculations can no longer be deemed unworthy of the attention of the country.
22249 In fact, there is no reason why mental as well as bodily labor should not
22250 be economized by the aid of machinery.
22251 -- Charles Babbage, "The Life of a Philosopher"
22253 I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.
22256 I have seen the Great Pretender and he is not what he seems.
22258 I have that old biological urge,
22259 I have that old irresistible surge,
22262 I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best.
22265 I have to think hard to name an interesting man who does not drink.
22268 I have travelled the length and breadth of this country, and have talked with
22269 the best people in business administration. I can assure you on the highest
22270 authority that data processing is a fad and won't last out the year.
22271 -- Editor in charge of business books at Prentice-Hall
22272 publishers, responding to Karl V. Karlstrom (a junior
22273 editor who had recommended a manuscript on the new
22274 science of data processing), c. 1957
22276 I have ways of making money that you know nothing of.
22277 -- John D. Rockefeller
22279 I have yet to see any problem, however complicated, which, when
22280 you looked at it in the right way, did not become still more complicated.
22283 I haven't lost my mind -- it's backed up on tape somewhere.
22285 I haven't lost my mind; I know exactly where I left it.
22287 I hear the sound that the machines make,
22288 and feel my heart break, just for a moment.
22290 I hear what you're saying but I just don't care.
22292 I heard a definition of an intellectual, that I thought was very
22293 interesting: a man who takes more words than are necessary to tell
22294 more than he knows.
22295 -- Dwight D. Eisenhower
22297 I hold it, that a little rebellion, now and then, is a good thing...
22298 -- Thomas Jefferson
22300 I hold your hand in mine, dear, I press it to my lips,
22301 I take a healthy bite from your dainty fingertips,
22302 My joy would be complete, dear, if you were only here,
22303 But still I keep your hand as a precious souvenir.
22305 The night you died I cut it off, I really don't know why,
22306 For now each time I kiss it I get bloodstains on my tie,
22307 I'm sorry now I killed you, our love was something fine,
22308 So until they come to get me I will hold your hand in mine.
22310 -- Tom Lehrer, "I Hold Your Hand In Mine"
22312 I hope you're not pretending to be evil while
22313 secretly being good. That would be dishonest.
22315 I just asked myself... what would John DeLorean do?
22318 I just ate a whole package of Sweet Tarts and a can of Coke.
22322 I just got off the phone with Sonny Barger [President of the Hell's Angels].
22323 He wants me to appear as a character witness for him at his murder trial
22324 and said he'd be glad to appear as a character witness on my behalf if I
22325 ever needed one. Needless to say, I readily agreed.
22326 -- Thomas King Forcade, publisher of "High Times"
22328 I just got out of the hospital after a
22329 speed reading accident. I hit a bookmark.
22332 I just know I'm a better manager when I have Joe DiMaggio in center field.
22335 I just need enough to tide me over until I need more.
22338 "I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes."
22339 "Did you ever see a doctor?"
22342 I kissed my first girl and smoked my first cigarette on the same day.
22343 I haven't had time for tobacco since.
22344 -- Arturo Toscanini
22346 I knew her before she was a virgin.
22347 -- Oscar Levant, on Doris Day
22349 I *knew* I had some reason for not logging you off...
22350 If I could just remember what it was.
22352 I knew one thing: as soon as anyone said you didn't need a gun, you'd better
22353 take one along that worked.
22354 -- Raymond Chandler
22356 I know if you been talkin' you done said
22357 just how surprised you wuz by the living dead.
22358 You wuz surprised that they could understand you words
22359 and never respond once to all the truth they heard.
22360 But don't you get square!
22361 There ain't no rule that says they got to care.
22362 They can always swear they're deaf, dumb and blind.
22364 I know not how I came into this,
22365 shall I call it a dying life or a living death?
22368 I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but
22369 World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.
22372 I know on which side my bread is buttered.
22375 I know the answer! The answer lies within the heart of all mankind!
22376 The answer is twelve? I think I'm in the wrong building.
22379 I know the disposition of women: when you will, they won't; when
22380 you won't, they set their hearts upon you of their own inclination.
22381 -- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence)
22383 I know what "custody" [of the children] means. "Get even." That's all
22384 custody means. Get even with your old lady.
22387 "I know what you're thinking -- `Did he fire six shots or only five?'
22388 Well, to tell you the truth, in all the excitement, I kind of lost track
22389 myself. But being this is a .44 Magnum, the most powerful handgun in the
22390 world, and would blow your head clean off, you've got to ask yourself
22391 one question: `Do I feel lucky?' Well, do you, punk?"
22392 -- Harry Callahan, badge #2211
22394 I know you believe you understand what you think this fortune says,
22395 but I'm not sure you realize that what you are reading is not what
22398 I know you think you thought you knew what you thought I said,
22399 but I'm not sure you understood what you thought I meant.
22401 I know you're in search of yourself, I just haven't seen you anywhere.
22403 I lately lost a preposition;
22404 It hid, I thought, beneath my chair
22405 And angrily I cried, "Perdition!
22406 Up from out of under there."
22408 Correctness is my vade mecum,
22409 And straggling phrases I abhor,
22410 And yet I wondered, "What should he come
22411 Up from out of under for?"
22414 I lay my head on the railroad tracks,
22415 Waitin' for the double E.
22416 The railroad don't run no more.
22417 Poor poor pitiful me. [chorus]
22418 Poor poor pitiful me, poor poor pitiful me.
22419 These young girls won't let me be,
22420 Lord have mercy on me!
22423 Well, I met a girl, West Hollywood,
22424 Well, I ain't naming names.
22425 But she really worked me over good,
22426 She was just like Jesse James.
22427 She really worked me over good,
22428 She was a credit to her gender.
22429 She put me through some changes, boy,
22430 Sort of like a Waring blender. [chorus]
22432 I met a girl at the Rainbow Bar,
22433 She asked me if I'd beat her.
22434 She took me back to the Hyatt House,
22435 I don't want to talk about it. [chorus]
22436 -- Warren Zevon, "Poor Poor Pitiful Me"
22438 I learned to play guitar just to get the girls, and anyone who says they
22439 didn't is just lyin'!
22442 I like being single. I'm always there when I need me.
22445 I like myself, but I won't say I'm as handsome as the bull
22446 that kidnapped Europa.
22447 -- Marcus Tullius Cicero
22449 I like to believe that people in the long run are going to do more to
22450 promote peace than our governments. Indeed, I think that people want
22451 peace so much that one of these days governments had better get out of
22452 the way and let them have it.
22453 -- Dwight D. Eisenhower
22455 I like work; it fascinates me; I can sit and look at it for hours.
22457 I like young girls. Their stories are shorter.
22460 I like your game but we have to change the rules.
22462 I live the way I type; fast, with a lot of mistakes.
22464 I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts
22465 to bite people themselves.
22466 -- August Strindberg
22468 I look at life as being cruise director on the Titanic.
22469 I may not get there, but I'm going first class.
22472 I love being married. It's so great to find that one special
22473 person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
22476 I love children. Especially when they cry -- for then
22477 someone takes them away.
22480 I love dogs, but I hate Chihuahuas. A Chihuahua isn't a dog.
22481 It's a rat with a thyroid problem.
22483 I love mankind ... It's people I hate.
22486 I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I've ever known.
22489 I love the smell of napalm in the morning.
22490 -- Robert Duval, "Apocalypse Now"
22492 I love treason but hate a traitor.
22493 -- Gaius Julius Caesar
22495 I love you more than anything in this world. I don't expect that will last.
22498 I love you, not only for what you are,
22499 but for what I am when I am with you.
22502 I loved her with a love thirsty and desperate. I felt that we two might
22503 commit some act so atrocious that the world, seeing us, would find it
22505 -- Gene Wolfe, "The Shadow of the Torturer"
22507 I married beneath me. All women do.
22508 -- Lady Nancy Astor
22510 I may be getting older, but I refuse to grow up!
22512 I may kid around about drugs, but really, I take them seriously.
22515 I may not be totally perfect, but parts of me are excellent.
22516 -- Ashleigh Brilliant
22518 I met a wonderful new man. He's fictional, but you can't have everything.
22519 -- Cecelia, "The Purple Rose of Cairo"
22521 I met my latest girl friend in a department store. She was looking at
22522 clothes, and I was putting Slinkys on the escalators.
22525 I might have gone to West Point, but I was too proud to speak to a
22529 I must Create a System, or be enslav'd by another Man's;
22530 I will not Reason and Compare; my business is to Create.
22531 -- William Blake, "Jerusalem"
22533 I must get out of these wet clothes and into a dry Martini.
22534 -- Alexander Woolcott
22536 I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a
22537 week sometimes to make it up.
22538 -- Mark Twain, "The Innocents Abroad"
22540 I must have slipped a disk -- my pack hurts!
22542 I must have slipped a disk; my pack hurts.
22544 I myself have dreamed up a structure intermediate between Dyson spheres
22545 and planets. Build a ring 93 million miles in radius -- one Earth orbit
22546 -- around the sun. If we have the mass of Jupiter to work with, and if
22547 we make it a thousand miles wide, we get a thickness of about a thousand
22550 And it has advantages. The Ringworld will be much sturdier than a Dyson
22551 sphere. We can spin it on its axis for gravity. A rotation speed of 770
22552 m/s will give us a gravity of one Earth normal. We wouldn't even need to
22553 roof it over. Place walls one thousand miles high at each edge, facing the
22554 sun. Very little air will leak over the edges.
22556 Lord knows the thing is roomy enough. With three million times the surface
22557 area of the Earth, it will be some time before anyone complains of the
22559 -- Larry Niven, "Ringworld"
22561 I need another lawyer like I need another hole in my head.
22564 I needed the good will of the legislature of four states. I formed the
22565 legislative bodies with my own money. I found that it was cheaper that
22569 I never cheated an honest man, only rascals. They wanted
22570 something for nothing. I gave them nothing for something.
22571 -- Joseph "Yellow Kid" Weil
22573 I never deny, I never contradict. I sometimes forget.
22574 -- Benjamin Disraeli, British PM, on dealing with the
22577 I never did it that way before.
22579 I never expected to see the day when girls would get sunburned in the
22580 places they do today.
22583 I never failed to convince an audience that the best thing they
22584 could do was to go away.
22586 I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception.
22589 I never killed a man that didn't deserve it.
22592 I never loved another person the way I loved myself.
22595 I never made a mistake in my life.
22596 I thought I did once, but I was wrong.
22599 I never met a man I didn't want to fight.
22600 -- Lyle Alzado, professional football lineman
22602 I never met a piece of chocolate I didn't like.
22604 I never pray before meals -- my mom's a good cook.
22606 I never said all Democrats were saloonkeepers;
22607 what I said was all saloonkeepers were Democrats.
22609 I never saw a purple cow
22610 I never hope to see one
22611 But I can tell you anyhow
22612 I'd rather see than be one.
22615 I've never seen a purple cow
22616 I never hope to see one
22617 But from the milk we're getting now
22618 There certainly must be one
22621 Ah, yes, I wrote "The Purple Cow"
22622 I'm sorry now I wrote it
22623 But I can tell you anyhow
22624 I'll kill you if you quote it.
22625 -- Gellett Burgess, many years later
22627 I never take work home with me; I always leave it in some bar along the way.
22629 I never vote for anyone. I always vote against.
22632 I often quote myself; it adds spice to my conversation.
22635 I only know what I read in the papers.
22638 I opened the drawer of my little desk and a single letter fell out, a
22639 letter from my mother, written in pencil, one of her last, with unfinished
22640 words and an implicit sense of her departure. It's so curious: one can
22641 resist tears and "behave" very well in the hardest hours of grief. But
22642 then someone makes you a friendly sign behind a window... or one notices
22643 that a flower that was in bud only yesterday has suddenly blossomed... or
22644 a letter slips from a drawer... and everything collapses.
22645 -- Letters From Colette
22648 It's off to work I go...
22650 I owe the government $3400 in taxes. So I sent them two hammers and a
22654 I owe the public nothing.
22657 I own my own body, but I share.
22659 I place economy among the first and most important virtues, and public debt as
22660 the greatest of dangers to be feared. To preserve our independence, we must
22661 not let our rulers load us with perpetual debt. If we run into such debts, we
22662 must be taxed in our meat and drink, in our necessities and in our comforts,
22663 in our labor and in our amusements. If we can prevent the government from
22664 wasting the labor of the people, under the pretense of caring for them, they
22666 -- Thomas Jefferson
22668 I played lead guitar in a band called The Federal Duck, which is the kind
22669 of name that was popular in the '60s as a result of controlled substances
22670 being in widespread use. Back then, there were no restrictions, in terms
22671 of talent, on who could make an album, so we made one, and it sounds like
22672 a group of people who have been given powerful but unfamiliar instruments
22673 as a therapy for a degenerative nerve disease.
22676 I pledge allegiance to the flag
22677 of the United States of America
22678 and to the republic for which it stands,
22682 and justice for all.
22683 -- Francis Bellamy, 1892
22685 I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
22688 I prefer rogues to imbeciles because they sometimes take a rest.
22689 -- Alexandre Dumas the Younger
22691 I prefer the most unjust peace to the most righteous war.
22694 Even peace may be purchased at too high a price.
22697 I profoundly believe it takes a lot of practice to become a moral slob.
22698 -- William F. Buckley
22700 I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats
22701 on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
22704 I put instant coffee in my microwave oven and almost went back in time.
22707 I put the shotgun in an Adidas bag and padded it out with four pairs of
22708 tennis socks, not my style at all, but that was what I was aiming for: If
22709 they think you're crude, go technical; if they think you're technical, go
22710 crude. I'm a very technical boy. So I decided to get as crude as possible.
22711 These days, though, you have to be pretty technical before you can even
22712 aspire to crudeness.
22713 -- William Gibson, "Johnny Mnemonic"
22715 I put up my thumb... and it blotted out the planet Earth.
22718 I quite agree with you, said the Duchess; and the moral of that is -- 'Be
22719 what you would seem to be' -- or, if you'd like it put more simply -- 'Never
22720 imagine yourself not to be otherwise than what it might appear to others
22721 that what you were or might have been was not otherwise than what you had
22722 been would have appeared to them to be otherwise.'
22724 I read a column by George Will that Scarface should be rated X because
22725 parents were taking their children to see it. So what? Why should the
22726 motion-picture industry be responsible for our morality?
22727 Dad says to Mom, "Honey, Scarface is in town."
22729 "Human scum who kill each other over cocaine deals."
22730 "Sounds great! Let's take the kids!"
22733 I read Playboy for the same reason I read National Geographic.
22734 To see the sights I'm never going to visit.
22736 I read the newspaper avidly. It is my one form of continuous fiction.
22739 I realize that today you have a number of top female athletes such as
22740 Martina Navratilova who can run like deer and bench-press Chevrolet
22741 trucks. But to be brutally frank, women as a group have a long way to
22742 go before they reach the level of intensity and dedication to sports
22743 that enables men to be such incredible jerks about it.
22744 -- Dave Barry, "Sports is a Drag"
22746 I really had to act; 'cause I didn't have any lines.
22747 -- Marilyn Chambers
22749 I really hate this damned machine
22750 I wish that they would sell it.
22751 It never does quite what I want
22752 But only what I tell it.
22754 I really look with commiseration over the great body of my fellow citizens
22755 who, reading newspapers, live and die in the belief that they have known
22756 something of what has been passing in their time.
22759 I recently moved into a new apartment, and there was this switch on the
22760 wall that didn't do anything... so anytime I had nothing to do, I'd just
22761 flick that switch up and down... up and down... up and down...
22762 Then one day I got a letter from a woman in Germany... it just said
22766 I recognize terror as the finest emotion and so I will try to terrorize the
22767 reader. But if I find that I cannot terrify, I will try to horrify, and if
22768 I find that I cannot horrify, I'll go for the gross-out.
22771 I refuse to consign the whole male sex to the nursery. I insist on
22772 believing that some men are my equals.
22775 I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person.
22777 I remember once being on a station platform in Cleveland at four in the
22778 morning. A black porter was carrying my bags, and as we were waiting for
22779 the train to come in, he said to me: "Excuse me, Mr. Cooke, I don't want to
22780 invade your privacy, but I have a bet with a friend of mine. Who composed
22781 the opening theme music of 'Omnibus'? My friend said Virgil Thomson." I
22782 asked him, "What do you say?" He replied, "I say Aaron Copeland." I said,
22783 "You're right." The porter said, "I knew Thomson doesn't write counterpoint
22784 that way." I told that to a network president, and he was deeply unimpressed.
22787 I remember Ulysses well... Left one day for the post office
22788 to mail a letter, met a blonde named Circe on the streetcar,
22789 and didn't come back for 20 years.
22791 I remember when legal used to mean lawful, now it means some
22795 I replaced the headlights on my car with strobe lights. Now it
22796 looks like I'm the only one moving.
22799 I respect faith, but doubt is what gives you an education.
22802 I respect the institution of marriage. I have always thought that every
22803 woman should marry -- and no man.
22804 -- Benjamin Disraeli, "Lothair"
22806 I reverently believe that the maker who made us all makes everything in New
22807 England, but the weather. I don't know who makes that, but I think it must be
22808 raw apprentices in the weather-clerks factory who experiment and learn how, in
22809 New England, for board and clothes, and then are promoted to make weather for
22810 countries that require a good article, and will take their custom elsewhere
22811 if they don't get it.
22814 "I said, "Preacher, give me strength for round 5."
22815 He said,"What you need is to grow up, son."
22816 I said,"Growin' up leads to growin' old,
22817 And then to dying, and to me that don't sound like much fun."
22818 -- John Cougar, "The Authority Song"
22820 I sat down beside her, said hello, offered to buy her a drink...
22821 and then natural selection reared its ugly head.
22823 I saw a man pursuing the Horizon,
22824 'Round and round they sped.
22825 I was disturbed at this,
22826 I accosted the man,
22827 "It is futile," I said.
22829 "You lie!" He cried,
22833 I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
22836 I saw Lassie. It took me four shows to figure out why the hairy kid
22837 never spoke. I mean, he could roll over and all that, but did that
22840 I saw what you did and I know who you are.
22842 I see a bad moon rising.
22843 I see trouble on the way.
22844 I see earthquakes and lightnin'
22845 I see bad times today.
22846 Don't go 'round tonight,
22847 It's bound to take your life.
22848 There's a bad moon on the rise.
22849 -- J. C. Fogerty, "Bad Moon Rising"
22851 I see a good deal of talk from Washington about lowering taxes. I hope
22852 they do get 'em lowered down enough so people can afford to pay 'em.
22853 -- The Best of Will Rogers
22855 I see where we are starting to pay some attention to our neighbors to
22856 the south. We could never understand why Mexico wasn't just crazy about
22857 us; for we have always had their good will, and oil and minerals, at heart.
22858 -- The Best of Will Rogers
22860 I sent a letter to the fish, I said it very loud and clear,
22861 I told them, "This is what I wish." I went and shouted in his ear.
22862 The little fishes of the sea, But he was very stiff and proud,
22863 They sent an answer back to me. He said "You needn't shout so loud."
22864 The little fishes' answer was And he was very proud and stiff,
22865 "We cannot do it, sir, because..." He said "I'll go and wake them if..."
22866 I sent a letter back to say I took a kettle from the shelf,
22867 It would be better to obey. I went to wake them up myself.
22868 But someone came to me and said But when I found the door was locked
22869 "The little fishes are in bed." I pulled and pushed and kicked and
22871 I said to him, and I said it plain And when I found the door was shut,
22872 "Then you must wake them up again." I tried to turn the handle, But...
22874 "Is that all?" asked Alice.
22875 "That is all." said Humpty Dumpty. "Goodbye."
22877 I sent a message to another time,
22878 But as the days unwind -- this I just can't believe,
22879 I sent a message to another plane,
22880 Maybe it's all a game -- but this I just can't conceive.
22882 I met someone who looks at lot like you,
22883 She does the things you do, but she is an IBM.
22884 She's only programmed to be very nice,
22885 But she's as cold as ice, whenever I get too near,
22886 She tells me that she likes me very much,
22887 But when I try to touch, she makes it all too clear.
22889 I realize that it must seem so strange,
22890 That time has rearranged, but time has the final word,
22891 She knows I think of you, she reads my mind,
22892 She tries to be unkind, she knows nothing of our world.
22893 -- ELO, "Yours Truly, 2095"
22895 I shall come to you in the night and we shall see who is stronger --
22896 a little girl who won't eat her dinner or a great big man with cocaine
22898 -- Sigmund Freud, in a letter to his fiancee
22900 I shall give a propagandist reason for starting the war, no matter whether
22901 it is plausible or not. The victor will not be asked afterwards whether
22902 he told the truth or not. When starting and waging war it is not right
22903 that matters, but victory.
22906 I shot an arrow in to the air, and it stuck.
22907 -- graffito in Los Angeles
22911 -- graffito in San Francisco
22913 There's so much pollution in the air now that if it weren't for our
22914 lungs there'd be no place to put it all.
22917 I shot an arrow into the air, and it stuck.
22918 -- Los Angeles graffito
22920 I should have been a country-western singer. After all, I'm older than
22921 most western countries.
22926 I sold my memoirs of my love life to Parker
22927 Brothers -- they're going to make a game out of it.
22930 I sometimes think that God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his
22934 I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
22937 I spilled spot remover on my dog and now he's gone.
22941 -- Sam Giancana, explaining his livelihood to his draft board
22943 Easy. I own Chicago. I own Miami. I own Las Vegas.
22944 -- Sam Giancana, when asked what he did for a living
22946 I stick my neck out for nobody.
22947 -- Humphrey Bogart, "Casablanca"
22949 I stood on the leading edge,
22950 The eastern seaboard at my feet.
22951 "Jump!" said Yoko Ono
22952 I'm too scared and good-looking, I cried.
22953 Go on and give it a try,
22954 Why prolong the agony, all men must die.
22955 -- Roger Waters, "The Pros and Cons of Hitchhiking"
22957 I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to
22958 see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph.
22961 I stopped believing in Santa Claus when my mother took me to see him in a
22962 department store, and he asked for my autograph.
22965 I suggest a new strategy, Artoo: let the Wookiee win.
22968 I suppose I could collect my books and get on back to school,
22969 Or steal my daddy's cue and make a living out of playing pool,
22970 Or find myself a rock 'n' roll band,
22971 That needs a helping hand,
22972 Oh, Maggie I wish I'd never seen your face.
22973 -- Rod Stewart, "Maggie May"
22975 I suppose some of the variation between Boston drivers and the rest of the
22976 country is due to the progressive Massachusetts Driver Education Manual which
22977 I happen to have in my top desk drawer. Some of the Tips for Better Driving
22978 are worth considering, to wit:
22981 "When traveling on a one-way street, stay to the right, so as not
22982 to interfere with oncoming traffic."
22985 "Learning to change lanes takes time and patience. The best
22986 recommendation that can be made is to go to a Celtics [basketball]
22987 game; study the fast break and then go out and practice it
22991 "Never bump a baby carriage out of a crosswalk unless the kid's really
22994 I suppose some of the variation between Boston drivers and the rest of the
22995 country is due to the progressive Massachusetts Driver Education Manual which
22996 I happen to have in my top desk drawer. Some of the Tips for Better Driving
22997 are worth considering, to wit:
23000 "Directional signals are generally not used except during vehicle
23001 inspection; however, a left-turn signal is appropriate when making
23002 a U-turn on a divided highway."
23005 "When paying tolls, remember that it is necessary to release the
23006 quarter a full 3 seconds before passing the basket if you are
23007 traveling more than 60 MPH."
23010 "When traveling on a one-way street, stay to the right, so as not
23011 to interfere with oncoming traffic."
23013 I suppose some of the variation between Boston drivers and the rest of the
23014 country is due to the progressive Massachusetts Driver Education Manual which
23015 I happen to have in my top desk drawer. Some of the Tips for Better Driving
23016 are worth considering, to wit:
23019 "When competing for a section of road or a parking space, remember
23020 that the vehicle in need of the most body work has the right-of-way."
23023 "Although it is altogether possible to fit a 6' car into a 6'
23024 parking space, it is hardly ever possible to fit a 6' car into
23025 a 5' parking space."
23028 "Teenage drivers believe that they are immortal, and drive accordingly.
23029 Nevertheless, you should avoid the temptation to prove them wrong."
23031 I suppose that in a few hours I will sober up. That's such a sad
23032 thought. I think I'll have a few more drinks to prepare myself.
23034 "I suppose you expect me to talk."
23035 "No, Mr. Bond. I expect you to die."
23038 I tell them to turn to the study of mathematics, for it
23039 is only there that they might escape the lusts of the flesh.
23040 -- Thomas Mann, "The Magic Mountain"
23042 I tell ya, drugs never worked out for me. The first time I tried smoking
23043 pot I didn't know what I was doing. I smoked half the joint, got the
23044 munchies, and ate the other half.
23046 Well, the first time I tried coke I was so embarrassed. I kept getting the
23047 bottle stuck up my nose.
23048 -- Rodney Dangerfield
23050 I tell ya, gambling never agreed with me. Last week I went to the track
23051 and they shot my horse with the opening gun.
23053 Well, just last week I was at a Chinese restaurant and when I opened my
23054 fortune cookie I found the guy's check sitting at the next table. I said,
23055 "Hey, buddy, I got your check", he said, "Thanks."
23056 -- Rodney Dangerfield
23058 I tell ya, I knew my morning wasn't going right. When I put on my shirt
23059 the button fell off, when I picked up my briefcase, the handle fell off,
23060 I tell ya, I was afraid to go to the bathroom.
23061 -- Rodney Dangerfield
23063 I tell ya, I was an ugly kid. I was so ugly that my dad
23064 kept the kid's picture that came with the wallet he bought.
23065 -- Rodney Dangerfield
23067 I think... I think it's in my basement... Let me go upstairs and check.
23070 I think a relationship is like a shark. It has to constantly move forward
23071 or it dies. Well, what we have on our hands here is a dead shark.
23074 I think all right-thinking people in this country are sick and tired of
23075 being told that ordinary, decent people are fed up in this country with being
23076 sick and tired. I'm certainly not! But I'm sick and tired of being told
23080 "I think he said 'Blessed are the cheesemakers.'"
23081 "Nonsense, he was obviously referring to all manufacturers of dairy products."
23082 -- The Life of Brian
23084 I think I'll snatch a kiss and flee.
23087 I think I'm schizophrenic. One half of me's
23088 paranoid and the other half's out to get him.
23090 I THINK MAN INVENTED THE CAR by instinct.
23091 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
23093 I think she must have been very strictly brought up, she's so
23094 desperately anxious to do the wrong thing correctly.
23095 -- Saki, "Reginald on Worries"
23097 I think that God in creating man somewhat overestimated his ability.
23100 I think that I shall never hear
23101 A poem lovelier than beer.
23102 The stuff that Joe's Bar has on tap,
23103 With golden base and snowy cap.
23104 The stuff that I can drink all day
23105 Until my mem'ry melts away.
23106 Poems are made by fools, I fear
23107 But only Schlitz can make a beer.
23109 I think that I shall never see
23110 A billboard lovely as a tree.
23111 Indeed, unless the billboards fall
23112 I'll never see a tree at all.
23115 I think that I shall never see
23116 A thing as lovely as a tree.
23117 But as you see the trees have gone
23118 They went this morning with the dawn.
23119 A logging firm from out of town
23120 Came and chopped the trees all down.
23121 But I will trick those dirty skunks
23122 And write a brand new poem called 'Trunks'.
23124 I think the world is ready for the story of an ugly duckling, who grew up to
23125 remain an ugly duckling, and lived happily ever after.
23128 I think the world is run by C students.
23131 I THINK THERE SHOULD BE SOMETHING in science called the "reindeer effect."
23132 I don't know what it would be, but I think it'd be good to hear someone
23133 say, "Gentlemen, what we have here is a terrifying example of the reindeer
23135 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
23137 I think, therefore I am... I think.
23139 I think there's a world market for about five computers.
23140 -- attr. Thomas J. Watson (Chairman of the Board, IBM), 1943
23142 I THINK THEY SHOULD CONTINUE the policy of not giving a Nobel Prize for
23144 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
23146 I think we are in Rats Alley where the dead men lost their bones.
23149 I think we're all Bozos on this bus.
23150 -- Firesign Theatre
23152 I think we're in trouble.
23155 I think your opinions are reasonable,
23156 except for the one about my mental instability.
23157 -- Psychology Professor, Farifield University
23159 "I thought that you said you were 20 years old!"
23160 "As a programmer, yes," she replied,
23161 "And you claimed to be very near two meters tall!"
23162 "You said you were blonde, but you lied!"
23163 Oh, she was a hacker and he was one, too,
23164 They had so much in common, you'd say.
23165 They exchanged jokes and poems, and clever new hacks,
23166 And prompts that were cute or risque'.
23167 He sent her a picture of his brother Sam,
23168 She sent one from some past high school day,
23169 And it might have gone on for the rest of their lives,
23170 If they hadn't met in L.A.
23171 "Your beard is an armpit," she said in disgust.
23172 He answered, "Your armpit's a beard!"
23173 And they chorused: "I think I could stand all the rest
23174 If you were not so totally weird!"
23175 If she had not said what he wanted to hear,
23176 And he had not done just the same,
23177 They'd have been far more honest, and never have met,
23178 And would not have had fun with the game.
23179 -- Judith Schrier, "Face to Face After Six Months of
23182 I thought there was something fishy about the butler. Probably a Pisces,
23184 -- Firesign Theatre, "The Further Adventures of Nick Danger"
23186 I thought YOU silenced the guard!
23188 I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own."
23189 One of them said, "So will you."
23190 -- Rodney Dangerfield
23192 I took a course in speed reading, learning to read straight down the middle
23193 of the page, and I was able to go through "War and Peace" in twenty minutes.
23197 I treasure this strange combination found in very few persons: a fierce
23198 desire for life as well as a lucid perception of the ultimate futility of
23200 -- Madeleine Gobeil
23202 I truly wish I could be a great surgeon or philosopher or author or anything
23203 constructive, but in all honesty I'd rather turn up my amplifier full blast
23204 and drown myself in the noise.
23205 -- Charles Schmid, the "Tucson Murderer"
23207 I trust the first lion he meets will do his duty.
23208 -- J.P. Morgan on Teddy Roosevelt's safari
23210 I try not to break the rules but merely to test their elasticity.
23213 I try to keep an open mind, but not so open that my brains fall out.
23214 -- Judge Harold T. Stone
23216 I turned my air conditioner the other way around, and it got cold out.
23217 The weatherman said "I don't understand it. I was supposed to be 80
23218 degrees today," and I said "Oops."
23220 In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above... so
23221 I never have to go upstairs.
23223 I just bought a microwave fireplace... You can spend an evening in
23224 front of it in only eight minutes.
23227 I understand why you're confused. You're thinking too much.
23230 I use not only all the brains I have, but all those I can borrow as well.
23233 I use technology in order to hate it more properly.
23236 I used to be a rebel in my youth.
23237 This cause... that cause... (chuckle) I backed 'em ALL! But I learned.
23238 Rebellion is simply a device used by the immature to hide from his own
23239 problems. So I lost interest in politics. Now when I feel aroused by
23240 a civil rights case or a passport hearing... I realize it's just a device.
23241 I go to my analyst and we work it out. You have no idea how much better
23245 I used to be disgusted, now I find I'm just amused.
23248 I used to be Snow White, but I drifted.
23251 I used to be such a sweet sweet thing, 'til they got a hold of me,
23252 I opened doors for little old ladies, I helped the blind to see,
23253 I got no friends 'cause they read the papers, they can't be seen,
23254 With me, and I'm feelin' real shot down,
23255 And I'm, uh, feelin' mean,
23256 No more, Mr. Nice Guy,
23257 No more, Mr. Clean,
23258 No more, Mr. Nice Guy,
23259 They say "He's sick, he's obscene".
23261 My dog bit me on the leg today, my cat clawed my eyes,
23262 Ma's been thrown out of the social circle, and Dad has to hide,
23263 I went to church, incognito, when everybody rose,
23264 The reverend Smithy, he recognized me,
23265 And punched me in the nose, he said,
23267 He said "You're sick, you're obscene".
23268 -- Alice Cooper, "No More Mr. Nice Guy"
23270 I used to get high on life but lately I've built up a resistance.
23272 I used to have a drinking problem.
23273 Now I love the stuff.
23275 I used to live in a house by the freeway. When I went anywhere, I had
23276 to be going 65 MPH by the end of my driveway.
23278 I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights. Now it looks
23279 like I'm the only one moving.
23281 I was pulled over for speeding today. The officer said, "Don't you know
23282 the speed limit is 55 miles an hour?" And I said, "Yes, but I wasn't going
23283 to be out that long."
23285 I put a new engine in my car, but didn't take the ond one out. Now
23286 my car goes 500 miles an hour.
23289 I used to think I was a child; now I think I am an adult -- not because
23290 I no longer do childish things, but because those I call adults are no
23291 more mature than I am.
23293 I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.
23295 I used to think romantic love was a neurosis shared by two, a supreme
23296 foolishness. I no longer thought that. There's nothing foolish in
23297 loving anyone. Thinking you'll be loved in return is what's foolish.
23300 I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in
23301 my body. Then I realized who was telling me this.
23304 I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near
23308 I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere
23312 I value kindness to human beings first of all, and kindness to animals. I
23313 don't respect the law; I have a total irreverence for anything connected
23314 with society except that which makes the roads safer, the beer stronger,
23315 the food cheaper, and old men and women warmer in the winter, and happier
23319 I waited and waited and when no message came I knew it must be from you.
23321 I want to be the white man's brother, not his brother-in-law.
23322 -- Martin Luther King, Jr.
23324 I want to buy a husband who, every week when I sit down to watch "St.
23325 Elsewhere", won't scream, "Forget it, Blanche... It's time for Hee-Haw!"
23327 I want to kill everyone here with a cute colorful Hydrogen Bomb!!
23328 -- Zippy the Pinhead
23330 I want to marry a girl just like the girl that married dear old dad.
23333 I want to reach your mind -- where is it currently located?
23335 I was appalled by this story of the destruction of a member of a valued
23336 endangered species. It's all very well to celebrate the practicality of
23337 pigs by ennobling the porcine sibling who constructed his home out of
23338 bricks and mortar. But to wantonly destroy a wolf, even one with an
23339 excessive taste for porkers, is unconscionable in these ecologically
23340 critical times when both man and his domestic beasts continue to maraud
23342 Sylvia Kamerman, "Book Reviewing"
23344 I was at this restaurant. The sign said "Breakfast Anytime." So I
23345 ordered French Toast in the Renaissance.
23348 I was born in a barrel of butcher knives
23349 Trouble I love and peace I despise
23350 Wild horses kicked me in my side
23351 Then a rattlesnake bit me and he walked off and died.
23354 I was eatin' some chop suey,
23355 With a lady in St. Louie,
23356 When there sudden comes a knockin' at the door.
23357 And that knocker, he says, "Honey,
23358 Roll this rocker out some money,
23359 Or your daddy shoots a baddie to the floor."
23362 I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did.
23363 I said I didn't know.
23366 I was in a bar and I walked up to a beautiful woman and said, "Do you live
23367 around here often?" She said, "You're wearing two different-color socks."
23368 I said, "Yes, but to me they're the same because I go by thickness."
23369 She said, "How do you feel?" And I said, "You know when you're sitting on a
23370 chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs and you lean too far so
23371 you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like
23372 that all the time..."
23373 -- Steven Wright, "Gentlemen's Quarterly"
23375 I was in a beauty contest one. I not only came in last, I was hit in
23376 the mouth by Miss Congeniality.
23379 I was in accord with the system so long as it
23380 permitted me to function effectively.
23383 I was in this prematurely air conditioned supermarket and there were all
23384 these aisles and there were these bathing caps you could buy that had these
23385 kind of Fourth of July plumes on them that were red and yellow and blue and
23386 I wasn't tempted to buy one but I was reminded of the fact that I had been
23387 avoiding the beach.
23388 -- Lucinda Childs "Einstein On The Beach"
23390 I was in Vegas last week. I was at the roulette table, having a
23391 lengthy argument about what I considered an Odd number.
23394 I was offered a job as a hoodlum and I turned it down cold. A thief is
23395 anybody who gets out and works for his living, like robbing a bank or
23396 breaking into a place and stealing stuff, or kidnapping somebody. He really
23397 gives some effort to it. A hoodlum is a pretty lousy sort of scum. He
23398 works for gangsters and bumps guys off when they have been put on the spot.
23399 Why, after I'd made my rep, some of the Chicago Syndicate wanted me to work
23400 for them as a hood -- you know, handling a machine gun. They offered me
23401 two hundred and fifty dollars a week and all the protection I needed. I
23402 was on the lam at the time and not able to work at my regular line. But
23403 I wouldn't consider it. "I'm a thief," I said. "I'm no lousy hoodlum."
23404 -- Alvin Karpis, "Public Enemy Number One"
23406 I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards. I got a
23407 full house and four people died.
23410 I was the best I ever had.
23413 I was toilet-trained at gunpoint.
23416 I was working on a case. It had to be a case, because I couldn't afford a
23417 desk. Then I saw her. This tall blond lady. She must have been tall
23418 because I was on the third floor. She rolled her deep blue eyes towards
23419 me. I picked them up and rolled them back. We kissed. She screamed. I
23420 took the cigarette from my mouth and kissed her again.
23422 I wasn't kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth.
23425 I watch television because you don't know what it will do if you leave it
23428 I went home with a waitress,
23429 The way I always do.
23430 How I was I to know?
23431 She was with the Russians too.
23433 I was gambling in Havana,
23434 I took a little risk.
23435 Send lawyers, guns, and money,
23436 Dad, get me out of this.
23437 -- Warren Zevon, "Lawyers, Guns and Money"
23439 I went into the business for the money, and the art grew out of it.
23440 If people are disillusioned by that remark, I can't help it.
23444 I went on to test the program in every way I could devise. I strained it to
23445 expose its weaknesses. I ran it for high-mass stars and low-mass stars, for
23446 stars born exceedingly hot and those born relatively cold. I ran it assuming
23447 the superfluid currents beneath the crust to be absent -- not because I wanted
23448 to know the answer, but because I had developed an intuitive feel for the
23449 answer in this particular case. Finally I got a run in which the computer
23450 showed the pulsar's temperature to be less than absolute zero. I had found
23451 an error. I chased down the error and fixed it. Now I had improved the
23452 program to the point where it would not run at all.
23453 -- George Greenstein, "Frozen Star:
23454 Of Pulsars, Black Holes and the Fate of Stars"
23456 I went over to my friend, he was eatin' a pickle.
23457 I said "Hi, what's happenin'?"
23459 Try to sing this song with that kind of enthusiasm;
23460 As if you just squashed a cop.
23461 -- Arlo Guthrie, "Motorcycle Song"
23463 I went to a Grateful Dead Concert and they played for SEVEN hours.
23467 I went to a place to eat. It said `BREAKFAST ANYTIME.' So I ordered
23468 French toast during the Renaissance.
23471 I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time."
23472 So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
23475 I went to my first computer conference at the New York Hilton about 20
23476 years ago. When somebody there predicted the market for microprocessors
23477 would eventually be in the millions, someone else said, "Where are they
23478 all going to go? It's not like you need a computer in every doorknob!"
23480 Years later, I went back to the same hotel. I noticed the room keys had
23481 been replaced by electronic cards you slide into slots in the doors.
23483 There was a computer in every doorknob.
23486 I went to my mother and told her I intended to commence a different life.
23487 I asked for and obtained her blessing and at once commenced the career
23489 -- Tiburcio Vasquez
23491 I will always love the false image I had of you.
23493 I will follow the good side right to the fire,
23494 but not into it if I can help it.
23495 -- Michel Eyquem de Montaigne
23497 I will honour Christmas in my heart, and try to keep it all the
23498 year. I will live in the Past, the Present, and the Future. The
23499 Spirits of all Three shall strive within me. I will not shut out
23500 the lessons that they teach. Oh, tell me that I may sponge away the
23501 writing on this stone!
23504 I will make you shorter by the head.
23507 I will never lie to you.
23509 I will not be briefed or debriefed, my underwear is my own.
23513 I will not get drunk!
23515 I will not in public!
23517 I will not fall down!
23519 I will fall face down so that they cannot see my company badge.
23521 I will not forget you.
23523 I will not play at tug o' war.
23524 I'd rather play at hug o' war,
23525 Where everyone hugs
23527 Where everyone giggles
23528 And rolls on the rug,
23529 Where everyone kisses,
23530 And everyone grins,
23531 And everyone cuddles,
23533 -- Shel Silverstein, "Hug O' War"
23535 I will not say that women have no character; rather, they have a new
23539 I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when he came to town,
23540 we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad.
23543 I WISH I HAD A KRYPTONITE CROSS, because then you could keep both Dracula
23545 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
23547 I wish there was a knob on the TV where you could turn up the
23548 intelligence. They've got one called brightness, but it doesn't
23552 I wish you humans would leave me alone.
23554 I wish you were a Scotch on the rocks.
23556 I woke up a feelin' mean
23557 went down to play the slot machine
23558 the wheels turned round,
23559 and the letters read
23560 "Better head back to Tennessee Jed"
23563 I woke up this morning and discovered that everything in my apartment
23564 had been stolen and replaced with an exact replica. I told my roommate,
23565 "Isn't this amazing? Everything in the apartment has been stolen and
23566 replaced with an exact replica." He said, "Do I know you?"
23569 "I wonder", he said to himself, "what's in a book while it's closed. Oh, I
23570 know it's full of letters printed on paper, but all the same, something must
23571 be happening, because as soon as I open it, there's a whole story with people
23572 I don't know yet and all kinds of adventures and battles."
23575 I wonder what the leash and collar set does for excitement?
23576 -- Tramp, Lady and the Tramp
23578 I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me,
23579 "If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?"
23582 I would be batting the big feller if they wasn't ready with the other one,
23583 but a left-hander would be the thing if they wouldn't have knowed it already
23584 because there is more things involved than could come up on the road, even
23585 after we've been home a long while.
23588 I would gladly raise my voice in praise of women,
23589 only they won't let me raise my voice.
23592 I would have made a good pope.
23595 I would have promised those terrorists a trip to Disneyland if it would have
23596 gotten the hostages released. I thank God they were satisfied with the
23597 missiles and we didn't have to go to that extreme.
23600 I would have you imagine, then, that there exists in the mind of man a block
23601 of wax... and that we remember and know what is imprinted as long as the
23602 image lasts; but when the image is effaced, or cannot be taken, then we
23603 forget or do not know.
23604 -- Plato, Dialogs, Theateus 191
23606 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
23607 referring to image activation and termination.]
23609 I would like the government to do all it can to mitigate, then, in
23610 understanding, in mutuality of interest, in concern for the common good,
23611 our tasks will be solved.
23612 -- Warren G. Harding
23614 I would like to electrocute everyone who uses the word 'fair' in connection
23615 with income tax policies.
23616 -- William F. Buckley
23618 I would like to know
23619 What I was fencing in
23620 And what I was fencing out.
23623 I would like to suggest that you not use speed, and here's why: it is going
23624 to mess up your heart, mess up your liver, your kidneys, rot out your mind.
23625 In general this drug will make you just like your mother and father.
23628 I would much rather have men ask why
23629 I have no statue, than why I have one.
23630 -- Marcus Procius Cato
23632 I would not like to be a political leader in Russia. They never know when
23633 they're being taped.
23636 I love America. You always hurt the one you love.
23637 -- David Frye impersonating Nixon
23639 I would rather be a serf in a poor man's house
23640 and be above ground than reign among the dead.
23641 -- Achilles, "The Odessey", XI, 489-91
23643 I would rather say that a desire to drive fast
23644 sports cars is what sets man apart from the animals.
23646 I wouldn't be so paranoid if you weren't all out to get me!!
23648 I wouldn't marry her with a ten foot pole.
23650 I wouldn't recommend sex, drugs or insanity
23651 for everyone, but they've always worked for me.
23652 -- Hunter S. Thompson
23654 I wrecked trains because I like to see people die. I like to hear
23656 -- Sylvestre Matuschka, "the Hungarian Train Wreck Freak",
23657 escaped prison 1937, not heard from since
23673 [Internation Business Machines Corp.] Also known as Itty Bitty
23674 Machines or The Lawyer's Friend. The dominant force in computer
23675 marketing, having supplied worldwide some 75% of all known hardware
23676 and 10% of all software. To protect itself from the litigious envy
23677 of less successful organizations, such as the US government, IBM
23678 employs 68% of all known ex-Attorneys' General.
23682 Idiots Become Managers
23684 Impossible to Buy Machine
23685 Incredibly Big Machine
23686 Industry's Biggest Mistake
23687 International Brotherhood of Mercenaries
23688 It Boggles the Mind
23689 It's Better Manually
23690 Itty-Bitty Machines
23692 IBM Advanced Systems Group -- a bunch of mindless jerks,
23693 who'll be first against the wall when the revolution comes...
23694 -- with regrets to D. Adams
23697 Its syntax worse than JOSS;
23698 And everywhere this language went,
23699 It was a total loss.
23701 IBM: It may be slow, but it's hard to use.
23703 IBM Pollyanna Principle:
23704 Machines should work. People should think.
23706 IBM's original motto:
23707 Cogito ergo vendo; vendo ergo sum.
23709 I'd be a poorer man if I'd never seen an eagle fly.
23712 [I saw an eagle fly once. Fortunately, I had my eagle fly swatter handy. Ed.]
23714 I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
23716 I'd horsewhip you if I had a horse.
23719 I'd just as soon kiss a Wookiee.
23720 -- Princess Leia Organa
23722 I'D LIKE TO BE BURIED INDIAN-STYLE, where they put you up on a high rack,
23723 above the ground. That way, you could get hit by meteorites and not even
23725 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
23727 I'd like to meet the guy who invented beer and see what he's working on now.
23729 I'd like to see the government get out of war altogether and leave the
23730 whole field to private industry.
23733 I'd love to kiss you, but I just washed my hair.
23734 -- Bette Davis, "Cabin in the Cotton"
23736 I'd never cry if I did find
23737 A blue whale in my soup...
23738 Nor would I mind a porcupine
23739 Inside a chicken coop.
23740 Yes life is fine when things combine,
23741 Like ham in beef chow mein...
23742 But lord, this time I think I mind,
23743 They've put acid in my rain.
23746 I'd never join any club that would have the likes of me as a member.
23749 I'd probably settle for a vampire if he were romantic enough.
23750 Couldn't be any worse than some of the relationships I've had.
23753 I'd rather be led to hell than managed to heaven.
23755 I'd rather have a free bottle in front of me than a prefrontal lobotomy.
23758 [Also attributed to S. Clay Wilson. Ed.]
23760 I'd rather have two girls at 21 each than one girl at 42.
23763 I'd rather just believe that it's done by little elves running around.
23765 I'd rather laugh with the sinners,
23766 Than cry with the saints,
23767 The sinners are much more fun!
23768 -- Billy Joel, "Only The Good Die Young"
23770 I'd rather push my Harley than ride a rice burner.
23772 Identify your visitor.
23775 The part of the envelope that tells a person where to place
23776 the stamp when they can't quite figure it out for themselves.
23777 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
23780 The part of the envelope that tells a person where to place the
23781 stamp when they can't quite figure it out for themselves.
23782 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
23785 A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence
23786 in human affairs has always been dominant and controlling.
23789 Leisure gone to seed.
23791 Idleness is the holiday of fools.
23793 If A = B and B = C, then A = C, except where void or prohibited by law.
23796 If a camel is a horse designed by a committee, then a consensus forecast
23797 is a camel's behind.
23798 -- Edgar R. Fiedler
23800 If a can of Alpo costs 38 cents, would it cost $2.50 in Dog Dollars?
23802 If a child annoys you, quiet him by brushing their hair. If this doesn't
23803 work, use the other side of the brush on the other end of the child.
23805 If A fool persists in his folly he shall become wise.
23808 If a group of N persons implements a COBOL compiler,
23809 there will be N-1 passes. Someone in the group has to be the manager.
23812 If a guru falls in the forest with no one to hear him, was he
23813 really a guru at all?
23814 -- Strange de Jim, "The Metasexuals"
23816 If a jury in a criminal trial stays out for more than twenty-four hours, it
23817 is certain to vote acquittal, save in those instances where it votes guilty.
23818 -- Joseph C. Goulden
23820 IF A KID ASKS YOU where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him
23821 is, "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing
23822 to tell him is, "Probably because of something you did."
23823 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
23825 If a listener nods his head when you're
23826 explaining your program, wake him up.
23828 If a man has a strong faith he can indulge in the luxury of skepticism.
23829 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
23831 If a man has talent and cannot use it, he has failed.
23834 If a man is not a liberal at 25, he has no heart.
23835 If he's not a conservative by 45, he has no brain.
23837 If a man loses his reverence for any part of life,
23838 he will lose his reverence for all of life.
23839 -- Albert Schweitzer
23841 If a man stay away from his wife for seven years, the law presumes the
23842 separation to have killed him; yet according to our daily experience,
23843 it might well prolong his life.
23844 -- Charles Darling, "Scintillae Juris, 1877
23846 If a nation expects to be ignorant and free,
23847 ... it expects what never was and never will be.
23848 -- Thomas Jefferson
23850 If a nation values anything more than freedom, it will lose its freedom;
23851 and the irony of it is that if it is comfort or money it values more, it
23852 will lose that, too.
23853 -- W. Somerset Maugham
23855 If a person (a) is poorly, (b) receives treatment intended to make him better,
23856 and (c) gets better, then no power of reasoning known to medical science can
23857 convince him that it may not have been the treatment that restored his health.
23858 -- Sir Peter Medawar, "The Art of the Soluble"
23860 If a putt passes over the hole without dropping, it is deemed to have dropped.
23861 The law of gravity holds that any object attempting to maintain a position
23862 in the atmosphere without something to support it must drop. The law of
23863 gravity supersedes the law of golf.
23866 If a shameless woman expects to be defiled and then dies of her fierce
23867 love because you do not consent, will chastity also be homicide?
23870 If a small child asks you where rain comes from, I think a reasonable response
23871 is simply that "God is crying." And, if he asks you why God is crying, the
23872 only possible answer is "Probably because of something you did."
23874 If a subordinate asks you a pertinent question,
23875 look at him as if he had lost his senses.
23876 When he looks down, paraphrase the question back at him.
23878 If a system is administered wisely,
23879 its users will be content.
23880 They enjoy hacking their code
23881 and don't waste time implementing
23882 labor-saving shell scripts.
23883 Since they dearly love their accounts,
23884 they aren't interested in other machines.
23885 There may be telnet, rlogin, and ftp,
23886 but these don't access any hosts.
23887 There may be an arsenal of cracks and malware,
23888 but nobody ever uses them.
23889 People enjoy reading their mail,
23890 take pleasure in being with their newsgroups,
23891 spend weekends working at their terminals,
23892 delight in the doings at the site.
23893 And even though the next system is so close
23894 that users can hear its key clicks and biff beeps,
23895 they are content to die of old age
23896 without ever having gone to see it.
23898 If a team is in a positive frame of mind, it will have a good attitude.
23899 If it has a good attitude, it will make a commitment to playing the
23900 game right. If it plays the game right, it will win -- unless, of
23901 course, it doesn't have enough talent to win, and no manager can make
23902 goose-liver pate out of goose feathers, so why worry?
23905 If a thing's worth doing, it is worth doing badly.
23908 If a thing's worth having, it's worth cheating for.
23911 If a train station is a place where a train stops, what's a workstation?
23913 If addiction is judged by how long a dumb animal will sit pressing a lever
23914 to get a "fix" of something, to its own detriment, then I would conclude
23915 that netnews is far more addictive than cocaine.
23918 If all be true that I do think,
23919 There be five reasons why one should drink;
23920 Good friends, good wine, or being dry,
23921 Or lest we should be by-and-by,
23922 Or any other reason why.
23924 If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular error.
23925 -- John Kenneth Galbraith
23927 If all else fails, lower your standards.
23929 If all men were brothers, would you let one marry your sister?
23931 If all the girls who attended the Yale prom were laid end to end -- I
23932 wouldn't be a bit surprised.
23935 If all the seas were ink,
23936 And all the reeds were pens,
23937 And all the skies were parchment,
23938 And all the men could write,
23939 These would not suffice
23940 To write down all the red tape
23941 Of this Government.
23943 If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door.
23946 If all the world's economists were laid end to end,
23947 we wouldn't reach a conclusion.
23950 If an average person on the subway turns to you, like an ancient mariner,
23951 and starts telling you her tale, you turn away or nod and hope she stops,
23952 not just because you fear she might be crazy. If she tells her tale on
23953 camera, you might listen. Watching strangers on television , even
23954 responding to them from a studio audience, we're disengaged - voyeurs
23955 collaborating with exhibitionists in rituals of sham community. Never
23956 have so many known so much about people for whom they cared so little.
23957 -- Wendy Kaminer commenting on testimonial television
23958 in "I'm Dysfunctional, You're Dysfunctional".
23960 If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
23962 If an S and an I and an O and a U
23963 With an X at the end spell Su;
23964 And an E and a Y and an E spell I,
23965 Pray what is a speller to do?
23966 Then, if also an S and an I and a G
23967 And an HED spell side,
23968 There's nothing much left for a speller to do
23969 But to go commit siouxeyesighed.
23970 -- Charles Follen Adams, "An Orthographic Lament"
23972 If any demonstrator ever lays down in front of my car, it'll be the last
23973 car he ever lays down in front of.
23976 If any man wishes to be humbled and mortified,
23977 let him become president of Harvard.
23980 If anyone has seen my dog, please contact me at x2883 as soon as possible.
23981 We're offering a substantial reward. He's a sable collie, with three legs,
23982 blind in his left eye, is missing part of his right ear and the tip of his
23983 tail. He's been recently fixed. Answers to "Lucky".
23985 If anything can go wrong, it will.
23987 If at first you do succeed, try to hide your astonishment.
23989 If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
23991 If at first you don't succeed, quit; don't be a nut about success.
23993 If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
23995 If at first you don't succeed, try, try again.
23998 If at first you don't succeed, try try again. Then quit.
23999 No use being a damn fool about it.
24001 If at first you don't succeed, try, try again.
24002 Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
24005 [Also attributed to Roy Mengot. Ed.]
24007 If at first you don't succeed, you must be a programmer.
24009 If at first you don't succeed, you're doing about average.
24010 -- Leonard Levinson
24012 If at first you fricassee, fry, fry again.
24014 If atheism is to be used to express the state of mind in which God is
24015 identified with the unknowable, and theology is pronounced to be a
24016 collection of meaningless words about unintelligible chimeras, then
24017 I have no doubt, and I think few people doubt, that atheists are as
24018 plentiful as blackberries.
24021 If bankers can count, how come they have
24022 eight windows and only four tellers?
24024 If Beethoven's Seventh Symphony is not by
24025 some means abridged, it will soon fall into disuse.
24026 -- Philip Hale, Boston music critic, 1837
24028 If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs,
24029 then the first woodpecker to come along would destroy civilization.
24031 If built in great numbers, motels will be used for nothing
24032 but illegal purposes.
24035 If Carter is the answer, it must have been a VERY silly question.
24037 If Christianity was morality, Socrates would be the Saviour.
24040 If clear thinking created sparks, we could safely store dynamite in James
24044 If coke is a joke, I'm waiting around for the next line.
24046 If computers take over (which seems to be their natural tendency), it will
24050 If dolphins are so smart, why did Flipper work for television?
24052 If England treats her criminals the way she has treated me, she doesn't
24053 deserve to have any.
24054 -- Oscar Wilde, reportedly while standing handcuffed in a
24055 driving rain, waiting for transport to prison upon his
24056 conviction for sodomy.
24058 If ever the pleasure of one has to be bought by the pain of the other,
24059 there better be no trade. A trade by which one gains and the other loses
24061 -- Dagny Taggart, "Atlas Shrugged"
24063 If ever you want to touch the hand and the heart of God Almighty, you can
24064 do it through the body of someone you love. Anytime. Anywhere. Without
24066 -- Theodore Sturgeon, "Godbody"
24068 If every kid had a funny tooth to bite down on whenever the world disappointed
24069 him, prussic acid could solve our population problems in one generation.
24070 -- G.C. Edmonson's Albert, "The Man Who Corrupted Earth"
24072 If everything on the road of life seems to
24073 be coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
24075 If everything seems to be going well,
24076 you have obviously overlooked something.
24078 If fifty million people say a foolish thing, it's still a foolish thing.
24079 -- Bertrand Russell
24081 If food be the music of love, eat up, eat up.
24083 If for every rule there is an exception, then we have established that there
24084 is an exception to every rule. If we accept "For every rule there is an
24085 exception" as a rule, then we must concede that there may not be an exception
24086 after all, since the rule states that there is always the possibility of
24087 exception, and if we follow it to its logical end we must agree that there
24088 can be an exception to the rule that for every rule there is an exception.
24091 If God did not exist, it would be necessary to invent him.
24092 -- Voltaire, "Epitres, XCVI"
24094 If God had a beard, he'd be a UNIX programmer.
24096 If God had intended Man to program, we'd be born with serial I/O ports.
24098 If God had intended Man to Smoke, He would have set him on Fire.
24100 If God had intended man to use the metric system, Jesus
24101 would have only had ten disciples.
24103 If God had intended Man to Walk, He would have given him Feet.
24105 If God had intended Man to Watch TV, He would have given him Rabbit Ears.
24107 If God had intended Men to Smoke, He would have put Chimneys in their Heads.
24109 If God had meant for us to be in the Army,
24110 we would have been born with green, baggy skin.
24112 If God had meant for us to be naked, we would have been born that way.
24114 If God had not given us sticky tape,
24115 it would have been necessary to invent it.
24117 If God had really intended men to fly,
24118 he'd make it easier to get to the airport.
24121 If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads, he would
24122 have made them cute and furry.
24125 If God had wanted us to use the metric system, Jesus would have had
24128 If God had wanted you to go around nude,
24129 He would have given you bigger hands.
24131 If God hadn't wanted you to be paranoid,
24132 He wouldn't have given you such a vivid imagination.
24134 If God is dead, who will save the Queen?
24136 If God is One, what is bad?
24139 If God is perfect, why did He create discontinuous functions?
24141 If God lived on Earth, people would knock out all His windows.
24144 If God wanted us to be brave, why did he give us legs?
24147 If God wanted us to have a President,
24148 He would have sent us a candidate.
24149 -- Jerry Dreshfield
24151 If graphics hackers are so smart,
24152 why can't they get the bugs out of fresh paint?
24154 If guns are outlawed, how will we shoot the liberals?
24156 If happiness is in your destiny, you need not be in a hurry.
24159 If he had only learnt a little less, how
24160 infinitely better he might have taught much more!
24162 If he once again pushes up his sleeves in order to compute for 3 days
24163 and 3 nights in a row, he will spend a quarter of an hour before to
24164 think which principles of computation shall be most appropriate.
24165 -- Voltaire, "Diatribe du docteur Akakia"
24167 If he should ever change his faith,
24168 it'll be because he no longer thinks he's God.
24170 If I cannot bend Heaven, I shall move Hell.
24171 -- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil)
24173 If I could read your mind, love,
24174 What a tale your thoughts could tell,
24175 Just like a paperback novel,
24176 The kind the drugstore sells,
24177 When you reach the part where the heartaches come,
24178 The hero would be me,
24180 You won't read that book again, because
24181 the ending is just too hard to take.
24183 I walk away, like a movie star,
24184 Who gets burned in a three way script,
24186 A movie queen to play the scene
24187 Of bringing all the good things out in me,
24188 But for now, love, let's be real
24189 I never thought I could act this way,
24190 And I've got to say that I just don't get it,
24191 I don't know where we went wrong but the feeling is gone
24192 And I just can't get it back...
24193 -- Gordon Lightfoot, "If You Could Read My Mind"
24195 If I could stick my pen in my heart,
24196 I would spill it all over the stage.
24197 Would it satisfy ya, would it slide on by ya,
24198 Would you think the boy was strange?
24201 If I could stick a knife in my heart,
24202 Suicide right on the stage,
24203 Would it be enough for your teenage lust,
24204 Would it help to ease the pain?
24206 -- Rolling Stones, "It's Only Rock'N Roll"
24208 If I don't drive around the park,
24209 I'm pretty sure to make my mark.
24210 If I'm in bed each night by ten,
24211 I may get back my looks again.
24212 If I abstain from fun and such,
24213 I'll probably amount to much;
24214 But I shall stay the way I am,
24215 Because I do not give a damn.
24218 If I had a formula for bypassing trouble, I would not pass it around.
24219 Trouble creates a capacity to handle it. I don't say embrace trouble; that's
24220 as bad as treating it as an enemy. But I do say meet it as a friend, for
24221 you'll see a lot of it and you had better be on speaking terms with it.
24222 -- Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.
24224 If *I* had a hammer, there'd be no more folk singers.
24226 IF I HAD A MINE SHAFT, I don't think I would just abandon it. There's
24227 got to be a better way.
24228 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
24230 If I had a plantation in Georgia and a home in Hell,
24231 I'd sell the plantation and go home.
24232 -- Eugene P. Gallagher
24234 If I had any humility I would be perfect.
24237 If I had done everything I'm credited with, I'd be speaking to you from
24238 a laboratory jar at Harvard.
24241 AS USUAL, YOUR INFORMATION STINKS.
24242 -- Frank Sinatra, telegram to "Time" magazine
24244 If I had my life to live over, I'd try to make more mistakes next time. I
24245 would relax, I would limber up, I would be sillier than I have been this
24246 trip. I know of very few things I would take seriously. I would be crazier.
24247 I would climb more mountains, swim more rivers and watch more sunsets. I'd
24248 travel and see. I would have more actual troubles and fewer imaginary ones.
24249 You see, I am one of those people who lives prophylactically and sensibly
24250 and sanely, hour after hour, day after day. Oh, I have had my moments and,
24251 if I had it to do over again, I'd have more of them. In fact, I'd try to
24252 have nothing else. Just moments, one after another, instead of living so many
24253 years ahead each day. I have been one of those people who never go anywhere
24254 without a thermometer, a hotwater bottle, a gargle, a raincoat and a parachute.
24255 If I had it to do over again, I would go places and do things and travel
24256 lighter than I have. If I had my life to live over, I would start bare-footed
24257 earlier in the spring and stay that way later in the fall. I would play hooky
24258 more. I probably wouldn't make such good grades, but I'd learn more. I would
24259 ride on more merry-go-rounds. I'd pick more daisies.
24261 If I had only known, I would have been a locksmith.
24264 If I had to live my life again, I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner.
24265 -- Tallulah Bankhead
24267 If I have not seen so far it is because I stood in giant's footsteps.
24269 If I have seen farther than others, it is because I was standing on the
24270 shoulders of giants.
24273 In the sciences, we are now uniquely privileged to sit side by side with
24274 the giants on whose shoulders we stand.
24277 If I have not seen as far as others, it is because giants were standing on
24281 Mathematicians stand on each other's shoulders.
24284 Mathematicians stand on each other's shoulders while computer scientists
24285 stand on each other's toes.
24288 It has been said that physicists stand on one another's shoulders. If
24289 this is the case, then programmers stand on one another's toes, and
24290 software engineers dig each other's graves.
24293 If I have to lay an egg for my country, I'll do it.
24296 If I knew what brand [of whiskey] he drinks,
24297 I would send a barrel or so to my other generals.
24298 -- Abraham Lincoln, on General Grant
24300 If I love you, what business is it of yours?
24303 If I love you, what business is it of yours?
24304 -- Johann van Goethe
24306 If I made peace with Russia today, I'd only attack her again tomorrow. I
24307 just couldn't help myself.
24310 If I promised you the moon and the stars, would you believe it?
24311 -- Alan Parsons Project
24313 If I set here and stare at nothing long enough, people might think
24314 I'm an engineer working on something.
24317 If I told you you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
24319 If I traveled to the end of the rainbow
24320 As Dame Fortune did intend,
24321 Murphy would be there to tell me
24322 The pot's at the other end.
24325 If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary form.
24327 If I were a grave-digger or even a hangman, there are some people I could
24328 work for with a great deal of enjoyment.
24331 If I were to walk on water, the press would say I'm only doing it
24332 because I can't swim.
24335 If I'd known computer science was going to be like this,
24336 I'd never have given up being a rock 'n' roll star.
24339 If I'm over the hill, why is it I don't recall ever being on top?
24342 If in any problem you find yourself doing an immense amount of work, the
24343 answer can be obtained by simple inspection.
24345 If in doubt, mumble.
24347 If it ain't baroque, don't fix it.
24349 If it ain't broke, don't fix it.
24351 If it doesn't smell yet, it's pretty fresh.
24352 -- Dave Johnson, on dead seagulls
24354 If it happens once, it's a bug.
24355 If it happens twice, it's a feature.
24356 If it happens more than twice, it's a design philosophy.
24358 If it has syntax, it isn't user friendly.
24360 If it has syntax, it isn't user-friendly.
24362 If it heals good, say it.
24364 If it is a Miracle, any sort of evidence will
24365 answer, but if it is a Fact, proof is necessary.
24368 If it pours before seven, it has rained by eleven.
24370 If it smells it's chemistry, if it crawls it's biology, if it doesn't work
24373 If it takes a bloodbath, lets get it over with. No more appeasement.
24376 If it wasn't for Newton, we wouldn't have to eat bruised apples.
24378 If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
24380 If it wasn't so warm out today, it would be cooler.
24382 If it were not for the presents, an elopement would be preferable.
24383 -- George Ade, "Forty Modern Fables"
24385 If it were thought that anything I wrote was influenced by Robert Frost,
24386 I would take that particular work of mine, shred it, and flush it down
24387 the toilet, hoping not to clog the pipes. A more sententious, holding-
24388 forth old bore who expected every hero-worshiping adenoidal little twerp
24389 of a student-poet to hang on to his every word I never saw.
24392 If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would ever get done.
24394 If it's green or wiggles, it's biology.
24395 If it stinks, it's chemistry.
24396 If it doesn't work, it's physics.
24398 If it's not in the computer, it doesn't exist.
24400 If it's Tuesday, this must be someone else's fortune.
24402 If it's worth doing, do it for money.
24404 If it's worth doing, it's worth doing for money.
24406 If it's worth hacking on well, it's worth hacking on for money.
24408 If Jesus Christ were to come today, people would not even crucify him.
24409 They would ask him to dinner, and hear what he had to say, and make
24413 If just one piece of mail gets lost, well, they'll just think they forgot to
24414 send it. But if *two* pieces of mail get lost, hell, they'll just think the
24415 other guy hasn't gotten around to answering his mail. And if *fifty* pieces
24416 of mail get lost, can you imagine it, if *fifty* pieces of mail get lost, why
24417 they'll think something *else* is broken! And if 1Gb of mail gets lost,
24418 they'll just *know* that uunet is down and think it's a conspiracy to keep
24419 them from their God given right to receive Net Mail ...
24420 -- Leith (Casey) Leedom, apologies to Arlo Guthrie
24422 If Karl, instead of writing a lot about Capital,
24423 had made a lot of Capital, it would have been much better.
24424 -- Karl Marx's Mother
24426 If life gives you lemons, make lemonade.
24428 If life is a stage, I want some better lighting.
24430 If life is merely a joke, the question
24431 still remains: for whose amusement?
24433 If life isn't what you wanted, have you asked for anything else?
24435 If little green men land in your back yard, hide any little green women
24436 you've got in the house.
24437 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
24439 If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question?
24442 If Love Were Oil, I'd Be About A Quart Low
24443 -- Book title by Lewis Grizzard
24445 If Machiavelli were a hacker, he'd have worked for the CSSG.
24448 If Machiavelli were a programmer, he'd have worked for AT&T.
24450 If man is only a little lower than the angels, the angels should reform.
24451 -- Mary Wilson Little
24453 If mathematically you end up with the wrong
24454 answer, try multiplying by the page number.
24456 If men acted after marriage as they do during courtship, there would
24457 be fewer divorces -- and more bankruptcies.
24460 If men are not afraid to die,
24461 it is of no avail to threaten them with death.
24463 If men live in constant fear of dying,
24464 And if breaking the law means a man will be killed,
24465 Who will dare to break the law?
24467 There is always an official executioner.
24468 If you try to take his place,
24469 It is like trying to be a master carpenter and cutting wood.
24470 If you try to cut wood like a master carpenter,
24471 you will only hurt your hand.
24472 -- Tao Te Ching, "Lao Tsu, #74"
24474 If more of us valued food and cheer and song above hoarded gold, it would
24475 be a merrier world.
24478 If once a man indulges himself in murder, very soon he comes to think little
24479 of robbing; and from robbing he next comes to drinking and Sabbath-breaking,
24480 and from that to incivility and procrastination.
24481 -- Thomas De Quincey (1785 - 1859)
24483 If once a man indulges himself in murder, very soon he comes to think
24484 little of robbing; and from robbing he next comes to drinking and
24485 Sabbath-breaking, and from that to incivility and procrastination.
24486 -- Thomas De Quincey
24488 If one cannot enjoy reading a book over and
24489 over again, there is no use in reading it at all.
24492 If one inquires why the American tradition is so strong against any connection
24493 of State and Church, why it dreads even the rudiments of religious teaching
24494 in state-maintained schools, the immediate and superficial answer is not
24495 far to seek. ... The cause lay largely in the diversity and vitality of the
24496 various denominations, each fairly sure that, with a fair field and no favor,
24497 it could make its own way; and each animated by a jealous fear that, if any
24498 connection of State and Church were permitted, some rival denomination would
24499 get an unfair advantage.
24500 -- John Dewey, "Democracy in the Schools", 1908
24502 If one tells the truth, one is sure, sooner or later, to be found out.
24503 -- Oscar Wilde, "Phrases and Philosophies for the Use
24506 If only Dionysus were alive! Where would he eat?
24509 If only God would give me some clear sign!
24510 Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.
24511 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
24513 If only one could get that wonderful feeling of
24514 accomplishment without having to accomplish anything.
24516 If only you could be respected without having to be respectable.
24518 If only you had a personality instead of an attitude.
24520 If only you knew she loved you, you could
24521 face the uncertainty of whether you love her.
24523 If opportunity came disguised as temptation, one knock would be enough.
24525 If parents would only realize how they bore their children.
24528 If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward,
24529 then we are a sorry lot indeed.
24532 If people concentrated on the really important things in life,
24533 there'd be a shortage of fishing poles.
24536 If people drank ink instead of Schlitz, they'd be better off.
24537 -- Edward E. Hippensteel
24539 [What brand of ink? Ed.]
24541 If people have to choose between freedom and sandwiches, they
24542 will take sandwiches.
24545 Eats first, morals after.
24546 -- Bertolt Brecht, "The Threepenny Opera"
24548 If people say that here and there someone has been taken away and maltreated,
24549 I can only reply: You can't make an omelette without breaking eggs.
24552 If people see that you mean them no harm,
24553 they'll never hurt you, nine times out of ten!
24555 If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice?
24557 If pregnancy were a book they would cut the last two chapters.
24558 -- Nora Ephron, "Heartburn"
24560 If pro is the opposite of con, what is the opposite of progress?
24562 If puns were deli meat, this would be the wurst.
24564 If rabbits feet are so lucky, what happened to the rabbit?
24566 If reporters don't know that truth is plural, they ought to be lawyers.
24569 If researchers wrote nursery rhymes...
24571 Little Miss Muffet sat on her gluteal region,
24572 Eating components of soured milk.
24573 On at least one occasion,
24574 along came an arachnid and sat down beside her,
24575 Or at least in her vicinity,
24576 And caused her to feel an overwhelming, but not paralyzing, fear,
24577 Which motivated the patient to leave the area rather quickly.
24578 -- Ann Melugin Williams
24580 If Ricky Schroder and Gary Coleman had a fight on television with
24581 pool cues, who would win?
24584 3) The television viewing public
24587 If sarcasm were posted on Usenet, would anybody notice?
24590 If scientific reasoning were limited to the logical processes of
24591 arithmetic, we should not get very far in our understanding of the physical
24592 world. One might as well attempt to grasp the game of poker entirely by
24593 the use of the mathematics of probability.
24596 If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many
24600 If she had not been cupric in her ions,
24602 Their romance might have flourished.
24603 But he built tetrahedral in his shape,
24605 Love could not help but die,
24606 Uncatylised, inert, and undernourished.
24608 If society fits you comfortably enough, you call it freedom.
24611 If some people didn't tell you,
24612 you'd never know they'd been away on vacation.
24614 If someone had told me I would be Pope
24615 one day, I would have studied harder.
24616 -- Pope John Paul I
24618 If someone says he will do something "without fail", he won't.
24620 If something has not yet gone wrong then it would
24621 ultimately have been beneficial for it to go wrong.
24623 If swimming is so good for your figure, how come whales look the
24626 If the American dream is for Americans only, it will remain our dream
24627 and never be our destiny.
24628 -- Rene de Visme Williamson
24630 If the automobile had followed the same development as the computer, a
24631 Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per per gallon,
24632 and explode once a year killing everyone inside.
24633 -- Robert Cringely, InfoWorld
24635 If the church put in half the time on covetousness that it does on lust,
24636 this would be a better world.
24637 -- Garrison Keillor, "Lake Wobegon Days"
24639 If the code and the comments disagree, then both are probably wrong.
24642 If the colleges were better, if they really had it, you would need to get
24643 the police at the gates to keep order in the inrushing multitude. See in
24644 college how we thwart the natural love of learning by leaving the natural
24645 method of teaching what each wishes to learn, and insisting that you shall
24646 learn what you have no taste or capacity for. The college, which should
24647 be a place of delightful labor, is made odious and unhealthy, and the
24648 young men are tempted to frivolous amusements to rally their jaded spirits.
24649 I would have the studies elective. Scholarship is to be created not
24650 by compulsion, but by awakening a pure interest in knowledge. The wise
24651 instructor accomplishes this by opening to his pupils precisely the
24652 attractions the study has for himself. The marking is a system for schools,
24653 not for the college; for boys, not for men; and it is an ungracious work to
24654 put on a professor.
24655 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
24657 If the designers of X-window built cars, there would be no fewer than five
24658 steering wheels hidden about the cockpit, none of which followed the same
24659 principles -- but you'd be able to shift gears with your car stereo. Useful
24661 -- From the programming notebooks of a heretic, 1990.
24663 If the ends don't justify the means, then what does?
24666 If the English language made any sense, lackadaisical
24667 would have something to do with a shortage of flowers.
24670 [Not to mention, butterfly would be flutterby. Ed.]
24672 If the facts don't fit the theory, change the facts.
24675 If the future isn't what it used to be, does that
24676 mean that the past is subject to change in times to come?
24678 If the girl you love moves in with another guy once, it's more than enough.
24679 Twice, it's much too much. Three times, it's the story of your life.
24681 If the government doesn't trust the people, why
24682 doesn't it dissolve them and elect a new people?
24684 If the grass is greener on other side of fence,
24685 consider what may be fertilizing it.
24687 If the human brain were so simple that we could understand it,
24688 we would be so simple we couldn't.
24690 If the Lord God Almighty had consulted me before embarking upon the Creation,
24691 I would have recommended something simpler.
24692 -- Alfonso the Wise, 13th Century King of Castile,
24693 Commenting on the Almagest, by Ptolemy.
24695 If the master dies and the disciple grieves,
24696 the lives of both have been wasted.
24698 If the meanings of "true" and "false" were switched,
24699 then this sentence would not be false.
24701 If the Nazi's had television with satellite technology, we'd all be
24702 goose-stepping. Americans are just as suggestible.
24705 If the odds are a million to one against something
24706 occurring, chances are 50-50 it will.
24708 If the path be beautiful, let us not ask where it leads.
24711 If the rich could pay the poor to die for them,
24712 what a living the poor could make!
24714 If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
24716 If the standard says that [things] depend on the phase of the moon,
24717 the programmer should be prepared to look out the window as necessary.
24720 If the thunder don't get you, then the lightning will.
24722 If the vendors started doing everything right, we would be out of a job.
24723 Let's hear it for OSI and X! With those babies in the wings, we can count
24724 on being employed until we drop, or get smart and switch to gardening,
24725 paper folding, or something.
24728 If the very old will remember, the very young will listen.
24729 -- Chief Dan George
24731 If the weather is extremely bad, church attendance will be down.
24732 If the weather is extremely good, church attendance will be down.
24733 If the bulletin covers are in short supply, however,
24734 church attendance will exceed all expectations.
24735 -- Reverend Chichester
24737 If there are epigrams, there must be meta-epigrams.
24739 If there is a possibility of several things going wrong,
24740 the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.
24742 If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which a procedure
24743 can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way will promptly develop.
24745 If there is a sin against life, it consists perhaps not so much in despairing
24746 of life as in hoping for another life and in eluding the implacable grandeur
24750 If there is a wrong way to do something, then someone will do it.
24751 -- Edward A. Murphy Jr.
24753 If there is any realistic deterrent to marriage, it's the fact that you
24754 can't afford divorce.
24757 If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?
24760 If there is no wind, row.
24763 If there really was a Jewish conspiracy to run the world, my rabbi would
24764 have let me in on it by now. I contribute enough to the shule.
24767 If there was in justice in the world, "trust" would be a four-letter word.
24769 If there were a school for, say, sheet metal workers, that after three
24770 years left its graduates as unprepared for their careers as does law
24771 school, it would be closed down in a minute, and no doubt by lawyers.
24772 -- Michael Levin, "The Socratic Method
24774 If they sent one man to the moon, why can't they send them all?
24776 If they think you're crude, go technical; if they think you're technical,
24777 go crude. I'm a very technical boy. So I get as crude as possible. These
24778 days, though, you have to be pretty technical before you can even aspire
24782 If they were so inclined, they could impeach
24783 him because they don't like his necktie.
24784 -- Attorney General William Saxbe
24786 If things don't improve soon, you'd better ask them to stop helping you.
24788 If this fortune didn't exist, somebody would have invented it.
24790 If this is timesharing, give me my share right now.
24793 If time heals all wounds, how come the belly button stays the same?
24795 If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library?
24798 If two men agree on everything, you may be sure that one of them is
24799 doing the thinking.
24800 -- Lyndon B. Johnson
24802 Jerry Ford is a nice guy, but he played too much football with his
24804 -- Lyndon B. Johnson
24806 I do not believe that this generation of Americans is willing to resign
24807 itself to going to bed each night by the light of a Communist moon.
24808 -- Lyndon B. Johnson
24810 If two people love each other, there can be no happy end to it.
24811 -- Ernest Hemingway
24813 If two wrongs don't make a right, try three wrongs.
24815 If voting could change the system, it would be illegal.
24816 If not voting could change the system, it would be illegal.
24818 If we all work together, we can totally disrupt the system.
24820 If we can ever make red tape nutritional, we can feed the world.
24821 -- R. Schaeberle, "Management Accounting"
24823 If we could sell our experiences for what they cost us, we would
24824 all be millionaires.
24825 -- Abigail Van Buren
24827 If we do not change our direction we are
24828 likely to end up where we are headed.
24830 If we don't survive, we don't do anything else.
24833 If we men married the women we deserved, we should have a very bad time
24837 "If we relied conclusively on scientific data for every one of our
24838 findings, I'm afraid all of our work would be inconclusive."
24839 -- Henry Hudson, of the Meese Pornography Commission, on
24840 criticism of its conclusion that pornography causes sex
24843 If we see the light at the end of the tunnel
24844 It's the light of an oncoming train.
24847 If we spoke a different language, we
24848 would perceive a somewhat different world.
24851 If we suffer tamely a lawless attack upon our liberty,
24852 we encourage it, and involve others in our doom.
24855 If we were meant to get up early, God would have created us
24858 If we won't stand together, we don't stand a chance.
24860 If what they've been doing hasn't solved the problem, tell them to
24862 -- Gerald Weinberg, "The Secrets of Consulting"
24864 If while you are in school, there is a shortage of qualified personnel
24865 in a particular field, then by the time you graduate with the necessary
24866 qualifications, that field's employment market is glutted.
24867 -- Marguerite Emmons
24869 If wishes were horses, then beggars would be thieves.
24871 If women are supposed to be less rational and more emotional at the
24872 beginning of our menstrual cycle, when the female hormone is at its
24873 lowest level, then why isn't it logical to say that in those few days
24874 women behave the most like the way men behave all month long?
24877 If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.
24878 -- Aristotle Onassis
24880 If you always postpone pleasure you will never have it.
24881 Quit work and play for once!
24883 If you analyse anything, you destroy it.
24886 If you are a police dog, where's your badge?
24887 -- Question James Thurber used to drive his German Shepherd
24890 If you are afraid of loneliness, don't marry.
24893 If you are afraid of loneliness, don't marry.
24896 If you are going to walk on thin ice, you may as well dance.
24898 If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are real
24899 good, you will get out of it.
24901 If you are honest because honesty is the best policy,
24902 your honesty is corrupt.
24904 If you are looking for a kindly, well-to-do older gentleman who is no
24905 longer interested in sex, take out an ad in The Wall Street Journal.
24906 -- Abigail Van Buren
24908 If you are not for yourself, who will be for you?
24909 If you are for yourself, then what are you?
24912 If you are of the opinion that the contemplation of suicide is sufficient
24913 evidence of a poetic nature, do not forget that actions speak louder than
24915 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life"
24917 If you are of the opinion that the contemplation of suicide is
24918 sufficient evidence of a poetic nature, do not forget that actions
24919 speak louder than words.
24922 If you are over 80 years old and accompanied
24923 by your parents, we will cash your check.
24925 If you are shooting under 80 you are neglecting your business;
24926 over 80 you are neglecting your golf.
24929 If you are smart enough to know that you're not
24930 smart enough to be an Engineer, then you're in Business.
24932 If you are too busy to read, then you are too busy.
24934 If you are what you eat, does that mean Euelle Gibbons really was a nut?
24936 If you aren't rich you should always look useful.
24937 -- Louis-Ferdinand Celine
24939 If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.
24942 If you can keep your head when all about you are losing
24943 theirs, then you clearly don't understand the situation.
24945 If you can lead it to water and force it to drink, it isn't a horse.
24947 If you can survive death, you can probably survive anything.
24949 If you cannot convince them, confuse them.
24952 If you cannot in the long run tell everyone
24953 what you have been doing, your doing was worthless.
24954 -- Edwim Schrodinger
24956 If you can't be good, be careful.
24957 If you can't be careful, give me a call.
24959 If you can't convince them, confuse them.
24962 If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.
24964 If you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly.
24966 If you can't read this, blame a teacher.
24968 If you can't say anything good about someone, sit right here by me.
24969 -- Alice Roosevelt Longworth
24971 If you can't understand it, it is intuitively obvious.
24973 If you catch a man, throw him back.
24974 -- Woman's Liberation Slogan, c. 1975
24976 If you continually give you will continually have.
24978 If you could only get that wonderful feeling of
24979 accomplishment without having to accomplish anything.
24981 If you didn't get caught, did you really do it?
24983 If you didn't have most of your friends,
24984 you wouldn't have most of your problems.
24986 If you didn't have to work so hard,
24987 you'd have more time to be depressed.
24989 If you do not think about the future, you cannot have one.
24992 If you do not wish a man to do a thing, you had better get him to talk about
24993 it; for the more men talk, the more likely they are to do nothing else.
24996 If you do something right once, someone will ask you to do it again.
24998 If you don't care where you are, then you ain't lost.
25000 If you don't count some of Jehovah's injunctions, there are no humorists
25002 -- Mordecai Richler
25004 If you don't do it, you'll never know what
25005 would have happened if you had done it.
25007 If you don't do the things that are not worth doing, who will?
25009 If you don't drink it, someone else will.
25011 If you don't go to other men's funerals they won't go to yours.
25014 If you don't have the time right now,
25015 will you have redo right time later?
25017 If you don't have time to do it right, where
25018 are you going to find the time to do it over?
25020 If you don't know what game you're playing, don't ask what the score is.
25022 If you don't like the way I drive, stay off the sidewalk!
25024 If you don't say anything, you won't be called on to repeat it.
25027 If you don't strike oil in twenty minutes, stop boring.
25028 -- Andrew Carnegie, on public speaking
25030 If you drink, don't park. Accidents make people.
25032 If you ever want to have a lot of fun, I recommend that you go off and program
25033 an imbedded system. The salient characteristic of an imbedded system is that
25034 it cannot be allowed to get into a state from which only direct intervention
25035 will suffice to remove it. An imbedded system can't permanently trust anything
25036 it hears from the outside world. It must sniff around, adapt, consider, sniff
25037 around, and adapt again. I'm not talking about ordinary modular programming
25038 carefulness here. No. Programming an imbedded system calls for undiluted
25039 raging maniacal paranoia. For example, our ethernet front ends need to know
25040 what network number they are on so that they can address and route PUPs
25041 properly. How do you find out what your network number is? Easy, you ask a
25042 gateway. Gateways are required by definition to know their correct network
25043 numbers. Once you've got your network number, you start using it and before
25044 you can blink you've got it wired into fifteen different sockets spread all
25045 over creation. Now what happens when the panic-stricken operator realizes he
25046 was running the wrong version of the gateway which was giving out the wrong
25047 network number? Never supposed to happen. Tough. Supposing that your
25048 software discovers that the gateway is now giving out a different network
25049 number than before, what's it supposed to do about it? This is not discussed
25050 in the protocol document. Never supposed to happen. Tough. I think you
25053 If you explain something so clearly that no
25054 one can possibly misunderstand, someone will.
25056 If you fail to plan, plan to fail.
25058 If you find a solution and become attached to it,
25059 the solution may become your next problem.
25061 If you flaunt it, expect to have it trashed.
25063 If you float on instinct alone, how can you
25064 calculate the buoyancy for the computed load?
25065 -- Christopher Hodder-Williams
25067 If you fool around with something long
25068 enough, it will eventually break.
25070 If you give a man enough rope, he'll claim he's tied up at the office.
25072 If you give Congress a chance to vote on
25073 both sides of an issue, it will always do it.
25074 -- Les Aspin, D, Wisconsin
25076 If you go on with this nuclear arms race,
25077 all you are going to do is make the rubble bounce.
25078 -- Winston Churchill
25080 If you go out of your mind, do it quietly,
25081 so as not to disturb those around you.
25083 If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and your friends are
25084 all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were
25088 If you had better tools, you could more
25089 effectively demonstrate your total incompetence.
25091 If you had just one moment to live
25092 And they granted you one special wish
25093 Would you ask for something
25094 Like another chance.
25095 -- Traffic, "The Low Spark of Hi Heeled Boys"
25097 If you hands are clean and your cause is just
25098 and your demands are reasonable, at least it's a start.
25100 If you have a procedure with 10 parameters, you probably missed some.
25102 If you have never been hated by your child, you have never been a parent.
25105 If you have nothing to do, don't do it here.
25107 If you have received a letter inviting you to speak at the dedication of a
25108 new cat hospital, and you hate cats, your reply, declining the invitation,
25109 does not necessarily have to cover the full range of your emotions. You must
25110 make it clear that you will not attend, but you do not have to let fly at cats.
25111 The writer of the letter asked a civil question; attack cats, then, only if
25112 you can do so with good humor, good taste, and in such a way that your answer
25113 will be courteous as well as responsive. Since you are out of sympathy with
25114 cats, you may quite properly give this as a reason for not appearing at the
25115 dedication ceremonies of a cat hospital. But bear in mind that your opinion
25116 of cats was not sought, only your services as a speaker. Try to keep things
25118 -- Strunk and White, "The Elements of Style"
25120 If you have seen one city slum you have seen them all.
25123 If you have to ask how much it is, you can't afford it.
25125 If you have to ask what jazz is, you'll never know.
25128 If you have to hate, hate gently.
25130 If you have to think twice about it, you're wrong.
25132 If you haven't enjoyed the material in the last few lectures then a career
25133 in chartered accountancy beckons.
25134 -- Advice from the lecturer in the middle of the Stochastic
25137 If you hype something and it succeeds, you're a genius -- it wasn't a
25138 hype. If you hype it and it fails, then it was just a hype.
25141 If you just try long enough and hard enough, you can always manage to boot
25142 yourself in the posterior.
25143 -- A.J. Liebling, "The Press"
25145 If you just try long enough and hard enough, you can always manage to
25146 boot yourself in the posterior.
25149 If you keep an open mind people will throw a lot of garbage in it.
25151 If you keep your mind sufficiently open, people will throw a lot of
25155 If you knew what to say next, would you say it?
25157 If you know the answer to a question, don't ask.
25160 If you laid all of our laws end to end, there would be no end.
25163 If you laid all the Elvis impersonators in the world, end to end...
25164 you'd wanna run and get a steam roller, real fast.
25167 If you learn one useless thing every day, in a single year you'll learn
25168 365 useless things.
25170 If you liked the Earth you'll love Heaven.
25172 If you live in a country run by committee, be on the committee.
25175 If you live long enough, you'll see that every victory turns into a defeat.
25176 -- Simone De Beauvoir
25178 If you live to the age of a hundred you have it made
25179 because very few people die past the age of a hundred.
25182 If you lived today as if it were your last, you'd buy up a box of rockets
25183 and fire them all off, wouldn't you?
25184 -- Garrison Keillor
25186 If you look good and dress well, you don't need a purpose in life.
25187 -- Robert Pante, fashion consultant
25189 If you look like your driver's license photo -- see a doctor.
25190 If you look like your passport photo -- it's too late for a doctor.
25192 If you lose a son you can always get another,
25193 but there's only one Maltese Falcon.
25194 -- Sidney Greenstreet, "The Maltese Falcon"
25196 If you lose your temper at a newspaper columnist, he'll get rich,
25199 If you lose your temper at a newspaper columnist,
25200 he'll get rich or famous or both.
25202 If you love someone, set them free.
25203 If they don't come back, then call them up when you're drunk.
25205 If you love something set it free. If it doesn't
25206 come back to you, hunt it down and kill it.
25208 If you make a mistake you right it
25209 immediately to the best of your ability.
25211 If you make any money, the government shoves you in the creek once a year
25212 with it in your pockets, and all that don't get wet you can keep.
25213 -- The Best of Will Rogers
25215 If you make people think they're thinking, they'll love you;
25216 but if you really make them think they'll hate you.
25218 If you marry a man who cheats on his wife, you'll
25219 be married to a man who cheats on his wife.
25222 If you meet somebody who tells you that he loves you more than anybody
25223 in the whole wide world, don't trust him. It means he experiments.
25225 If you mess with a thing long enough, it'll break.
25228 If you MUST get married, it is always advisable to marry beauty.
25229 Otherwise, you'll never find anybody to take her off your hands.
25231 If you need anything just whistle.
25232 You know how to whistle, don't you, Steve?
25233 Just put your lips together and blow.
25234 -- Lauren Bacall, "To Have and Have Not"
25236 If you notice that a person is deceiving you,
25237 they must not be deceiving you very well.
25239 If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not
25240 bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
25243 If you push the "extra ice" button on the soft drink vending machine,
25244 you won't get any ice. If you push the "no ice" button, you'll get
25247 If you put it off long enough, it might go away.
25249 If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out but tomfoolery.
25250 But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine,
25251 is somehow enobled and no-one dare criticise it.
25254 If you put your supper dish to your ear you can hear the sounds of a
25258 If you really want to do something new, the good won't help you with it.
25259 Let me have men about me that are arrant knaves. The wicked, who have
25260 something on their conscience, are obliging, quick to hear threats, because
25261 they know how it's done, and for booty. You can offer them things because
25262 they will take them. Because they have no hesitations. You can hang them
25263 if they get out of step. Let me have men about me that are utter villains
25264 -- provided that I have the power, the absolute power, over life and death.
25267 If you refuse to accept anything but the best you very often get it.
25269 If you remember the 60's, you weren't there.
25271 If you resist reading what you disagree with, how will you ever acquire
25272 deeper insights into what you believe? The things most worth reading
25273 are precisely those that challenge our convictions.
25275 If you see an onion ring -- answer it!
25277 If you sell diamonds, you cannot expect to have many customers.
25278 But a diamond is a diamond even if there are no customers.
25279 -- Swami Prabhupada
25281 If you sow your wild oats, hope for a crop failure.
25283 If you steal from one author it's plagiarism; if you steal from
25284 many it's research.
25287 If you stew apples like cranberries,
25288 they taste more like prunes than rhubarb does.
25291 If you stick a stock of liquor in your locker,
25292 It is slick to stick a lock upon your stock.
25293 Or some joker who is slicker,
25294 Will trick you of your liquor,
25295 If you fail to lock your liquor with a lock.
25297 If you stick your head in the sand,
25298 one thing is for sure, you're gonna get your rear kicked.
25300 If you suspect a man, don't employ him.
25302 If you talk to God, you are praying; if God talks to you, you have
25306 If you teach your children to like computers and to know how to gamble
25307 then they'll always be interested in something and won't come to no real
25310 If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.
25313 If you think before you speak the other guy gets his joke in first.
25315 If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.
25316 -- Derek Bok, president of Harvard
25318 If you think last Tuesday was a drag,
25319 wait till you see what happens tomorrow!
25321 If you think nobody cares if you're alive,
25322 try missing a couple of car payments.
25325 If you think the pen is mightier than the sword, the next time
25326 someone pulls out a sword I'd like to see you get up there with
25329 If you think the problem is bad now, just wait until we've solved it.
25332 If you think the system is working,
25333 ask someone who's waiting for a prompt.
25335 If you think the United States has stood still,
25336 who built the largest shopping center in the world?
25339 If you think things can't get worse it's probably only because you
25340 lack sufficient imagination.
25342 If you throw a New Year's Party, the worst thing that you can do would be
25343 to throw the kind of party where your guests wake up today, and call you to
25344 say they had a nice time. Now you'll be be expected to throw another party
25346 What you should do is throw the kind of party where your guest wake
25347 up several days from now and call their lawyers to find out if
25348 they've been indicted for anything. You want your guests to be so anxious
25349 to avoid a recurrence of your party that they immediately start planning
25350 parties of their own, a year in advance, just to prevent you from having
25352 If your party is successful, the police will knock on your door,
25353 unless your party is very successful in which case they will lob tear gas
25354 through your living room window. As host, your job is to make sure that
25355 they don't arrest anybody. Or if they're dead set on arresting someone,
25356 your job is to make sure it isn't you ...
25359 If you took all of the grains of sand in the world, and lined
25360 them up end to end in a row, you'd be working for the government!
25363 If you took all the students that felt asleep in class and laid them
25364 end to end, they'd be a lot more comfortable.
25366 If you took all the women at the Harvard Prom
25367 and laid them end to end, I wouldn't be a bit surprised.
25370 If you treat people right they will treat you right -- 90% of the time.
25373 If you try to please everyone, somebody is not going to like it.
25375 If you wait long enough, it will go away... after having
25376 done its damage. If it was bad, it will be back.
25378 If you want me to be a good little bunny
25379 just dangle some carats in front of my nose.
25382 If you want to be ruined, marry a rich woman.
25385 If you want to get rich from writing, write the sort of thing that's
25386 read by persons who move their lips when the're reading to themselves.
25389 If you want to know how old a man is, ask his brother-in-law.
25391 If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.
25394 If you want to put yourself on the map, publish your own map.
25396 If you want to read about love and marriage you've got to buy two separate
25400 If you want to see card tricks, you have to expect to take cards.
25401 -- Harry Blackstone
25403 If you want to understand your government, don't begin by reading the
25404 Constitution. It conveys precious little of the flavor of today's statecraft.
25405 Instead, read selected portions of the Washington telephone directory
25406 containing listings for all the organizations with titles beginning with
25407 the word "National".
25410 If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word
25411 you say, talk in your sleep.
25413 If you wants to get elected president, you'se got to think up some
25414 memoraboble homily so's school kids can be pestered into memorizin'
25415 it, even if they don't know what it means.
25418 If you waste your time cooking, you'll miss the next meal.
25420 If you will practice being fictional for a while, you will understand that
25421 fictional characters are sometimes more real than people with bodies and
25424 If you wish to be happy for one hour, get drunk.
25425 If you wish to be happy for three days, get married.
25426 If you wish to be happy for a month, kill your pig and eat it.
25427 If you wish to be happy forever, learn to fish.
25430 If you wish to succeed, consult three old people.
25432 If you wish women to love you, be original; I know a man who wore fur
25433 boots summer and winter, and women fell in love with him.
25436 If you work for a man, in heaven's name, work for him.
25437 If he pays you wages which supply you bread and butter, work for him; speak
25438 well of him; stand by him, and by the institution he represents.
25439 If put to a pinch, an ounce of loyalty is worth a pound of cleverness.
25440 If you must vilify, condemn and eternally find disparage -- resign your
25441 position, and when you are outside, damn to your heart's content...
25442 but, as long as you are part of the institution do not condemn it.
25443 If you do that, you are loosening the tendrils that are holding you to the
25444 institution, and at the first high wind that comes along, you will
25445 be uprooted and blown away, and probably will never know the reason
25448 If you would keep a secret from an enemy, tell it not to a friend.
25450 If you would know the value of money, go try to borrow some.
25453 If you would understand your own age, read the works
25454 of fiction produced in it. People in disguise speak freely.
25456 If you'd like to cultivate insomnia,
25457 Bed down with a pretty girl.
25460 If your aim in life is nothing; you can't miss.
25462 If your bread is stale, make toast.
25464 If your enemy is buried in quicksand up to his neck, pull him out.
25465 If he is buried up to his eyes, step on his head.
25466 -- Niccoli Machiavelli, "The Prince"
25468 If your happiness depends on what somebody else does,
25469 I guess you do have a problem.
25470 -- Richard Bach, "Illusions"
25472 If your life was a horse, you'd have to shoot it.
25474 If your mother knew what you're doing,
25475 she'd probably hang her head and cry.
25477 If your parents don't have kids, neither will you.
25479 If your sexual fantasies were truly of interest to others, they would no
25480 longer be fantasies.
25483 If you're a real good kid, I'll give you a
25484 piggy-back ride on a buzz-saw.
25487 If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's real
25488 embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.
25491 If you're careful enough, nothing
25492 bad or good will ever happen to you.
25494 If you're carrying a torch, put it down.
25495 The Olympics are over.
25497 If you're constantly being mistreated,
25498 you're cooperating with the treatment.
25500 If you're crossing the nation in a covered wagon, it's better to have four
25501 strong oxen than 100 chickens. Chickens are OK but we can't make them work
25503 -- Ross Bott, Pyramid U.S., on multiprocessors at AUUGM '89.
25505 If you're going to America, bring your own food.
25506 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"
25508 If you're going to do something tonight
25509 that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.
25512 If you're going to walk on thin ice, you might as well dance.
25514 If you're happy, you're successful.
25516 If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
25518 If you're not very clever you should be conciliatory.
25519 -- Benjamin Disraeli
25521 If you're worried by earthquakes and nuclear war,
25522 As well as by traffic and crime,
25523 Consider how worry-free gophers are,
25524 Though living on burrowed time.
25525 -- Richard Armour, WSJ, 11/7/83
25527 If you've done six impossible things before breakfast, why not round it
25528 off with dinner at Milliway's, the restaurant at the end of the universe.
25530 If you've seen one redwood, you've seen them all.
25534 The overlapping moment of time when the hand is locking the car
25535 door even as the brain is saying, "my keys are in there!"
25536 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
25539 When you don't know anything, and someone else finds out.
25541 Ignorance is bliss.
25544 Fortune updates the great quotes, #42:
25545 BLISS is ignorance.
25547 Ignorance is never out of style. It was in fashion yesterday, it is the
25548 rage today, and it will set the pace tomorrow.
25549 -- Franklin K. Dane
25551 Ignorance is when you don't know anything and somebody finds it out.
25553 Ignorance must certainly be bliss or there wouldn't be so many people
25554 so resolutely pursuing it.
25556 Ignore previous fortune.
25558 Il brilgue: les toves libricilleux
25559 Se gyrent et frillant dans le guave,
25560 Enmimes sont les gougebosquex,
25561 Et le momerade horgrave.
25563 Es brilig war. Die schlichte Toven
25564 Wirrten und wimmelten in Waben;
25565 Und aller-mumsige Burggoven
25566 Dir mohmen Rath ausgraben.
25568 I'll be comfortable on the couch. Famous last words.
25571 I'll be Grateful when they're Dead.
25573 I'll burn my books.
25574 -- Christopher Marlowe
25576 I'll give you my opinion of the human race in a nutshell ... their heart's
25577 in the right place, but their head is a thoroughly inefficient organ.
25578 -- W. Somerset Maugham, "The Summing Up"
25580 I'll grant thee random access to my heart,
25581 Thoul't tell me all the constants of thy love;
25582 And so we two shall all love's lemmas prove
25583 And in our bound partition never part.
25585 Cancel me not -- for what then shall remain?
25586 Abscissas, some mantissas, modules, modes,
25587 A root or two, a torus and a node:
25588 The inverse of my verse, a null domain.
25590 I see the eigenvalue in thine eye,
25591 I hear the tender tensor in thy sigh.
25592 Bernoulli would have been content to die
25593 Had he but known such a-squared cos 2(thi)!
25595 I'll learn to play the Saxophone,
25596 I play just what I feel.
25597 Drink Scotch whisky all night long,
25598 And die behind the wheel.
25599 They got a name for the winners in the world,
25600 I want a name when I lose.
25601 They call Alabama the Crimson Tide,
25602 Call me Deacon Blues.
25603 -- Becker and Fagan, "Deacon Blues"
25605 I'll meet you... on the dark side of the moon...
25608 I'll never get off this planet.
25611 I'll pretend to trust you if you'll pretend to trust me.
25613 I'll turn over a new leaf.
25614 -- Miguel de Cervantes
25616 Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask
25620 Immigration is the sincerest form of flattery.
25623 Illegitimi non carborundum
25624 (translation: no carbonated drinks allowed.)
25626 Illinois isn't exactly the land that God forgot:
25627 it's more like the land He's trying to ignore.
25629 Illiterate? Write today, for free help!
25631 Illusion is the first of all pleasures.
25634 I'm a creationist; I refuse to believe
25635 that I could have evolved from man.
25637 "I'm a doctor, not a mechanic."
25638 -- "The Doomsday Machine", when asked if he had heard of
25639 the idea of a doomsday machine.
25640 "I'm a doctor, not an escalator."
25641 -- "Friday's Child", when asked to help the very pregnant
25642 Ellen up a steep incline.
25643 "I'm a doctor, not a bricklayer."
25644 -- Devil in the Dark", when asked to patch up the Horta.
25645 "I'm a doctor, not an engineer."
25646 -- "Mirror, Mirror", when asked by Scotty for help in
25647 Engineering aboard the ISS Enterprise.
25648 "I'm a doctor, not a coalminer."
25649 -- "The Empath", on being beneath the surface of Minara 2.
25650 "I'm a surgeon, not a psychiatrist."
25651 -- "City on the Edge of Forever", on Edith Keeler's remark
25652 that Kirk talked strangely.
25653 "I'm no magician, Spock, just an old country doctor."
25654 -- "The Deadly Years", to Spock while trying to cure the
25655 aging effects of the rogue comet near Gamma Hydra 4.
25656 "What am I, a doctor or a moonshuttle conductor?"
25657 -- "The Corbomite Maneuver", when Kirk rushed off from a
25658 physical exam to answer the alert.
25660 I'm a Hollywood writer; so I put on
25661 a sports jacket and take off my brain.
25663 I'm a lucky guy, and I'm happy to be with the Yankees. And I want to
25664 thank everyone for making this night necessary.
25665 -- Yogi Berra at a dinner in his honor
25667 I'm all for computer dating, but I
25668 wouldn't want one to marry my sister.
25670 I'm also inclined to believe that if you wait long enough, you will
25671 eventually have more than 255 of almost *anything*....
25674 I'm always looking for a new idea that
25675 will be more productive than its cost.
25676 -- David Rockefeller
25679 But it's not what I really want to do.
25680 What I really want to do is be a shoe salesman.
25681 I know what you're going to say --
25682 "Dreamer! Get your head out of the clouds."
25683 All right! But it's what I want to do.
25684 Instead I have to go on painting all day long.
25686 The world should make a place for shoe salesmen.
25689 I'm an evolutionist; I refuse to believe
25690 that I could have been created by man.
25692 "I'm ANN LANDERS!! I can SHOPLIFT!!"
25693 -- Zippy the Pinhead
25695 I'm dying beyond my means.
25696 -- Oscar Wilde, his last words, while sipping champagne
25698 "I'm dying," he croaked.
25699 "My experiment was a success," the chemist retorted .
25700 "You can't really train a beagle," he dogmatized.
25701 "That's no beagle, it's a mongrel," she muttered.
25702 "The fire is going out," he bellowed.
25703 "Bad marksmanship," the hunter groused.
25704 "You ought to see a psychiatrist," he reminded me.
25705 "You snake," she rattled.
25706 "Someone's at the door," she chimed.
25707 "Company's coming," she guessed.
25708 "Dawn came too soon," she mourned.
25709 "I think I'll end it all," Sue sighed.
25710 "I ordered chocolate, not vanilla," I screamed.
25711 "Your embroidery is sloppy," she needled cruelly.
25712 "Where did you get this meat?" he bridled hoarsely.
25713 -- Gyles Brandreth, "The Joy of Lex"
25715 I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.
25718 I'm for bringing back the birch, but only for consenting adults.
25721 I'm for peace -- I've yet to see a man wake up in the morning and say "I've
25722 just had a good war.
25725 I'm free -- and freedom tastes of reality.
25727 I'm glad I was not born before tea.
25728 -- Sidney Smith (1771-1845)
25730 I'm glad that I'm an American,
25731 I'm glad that I am free,
25732 But I wish I were a little doggy,
25733 And McGovern were a tree.
25735 I'm going through my "I want to go back to New York" phase today. Happens
25736 every six months or so. So, I thought, perhaps unwisely, that I'd share
25739 > In New York in the winter it is million degrees below zero and
25740 the wind travels at a million miles an hour down 5th avenue.
25741 > And in LA it's 72.
25743 > In New York in the summer it is a million degrees and the humidity
25744 is a million percent.
25745 > And in LA it's 72.
25747 > In New York there are a million interesting people.
25748 > And in LA there are 72.
25750 I'm going to Boston to see my doctor. He's a very sick man.
25753 I'm going to give my psychoanalyst one more year, then I'm going to Lourdes.
25756 I'm going to raise an issue and stick it in your ear.
25759 I'm going to Vietnam at the request of the White House. President Johnson
25760 says a war isn't really a war without my jokes.
25763 I'm hungry, time to eat lunch.
25765 I'm in Pittsburgh. Why am I here?
25768 I'm just as sad as sad can be!
25769 I've missed your special date.
25770 Please say that you're not mad at me
25771 My tax return is late.
25772 -- Modern Lines for Modern Greeting Cards
25774 I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be
25778 I'm N-ary the tree, I am,
25779 N-ary the tree, I am, I am.
25780 I'm getting traversed by the parser next door,
25781 She's traversed me seven times before.
25782 And ev'ry time it was an N-ary (N-ary!)
25783 Never wouldn't ever do a binary. (No sir!)
25784 I'm 'er eighth tree that was N-ary.
25785 N-ary the tree I am, I am,
25786 N-ary the tree I am.
25787 -- Stolen from Paul Revere and the Raiders
25789 I'm not a lovable man.
25792 I'm not a real movie star -- I've still got the same wife I started out
25793 with twenty-eight years ago.
25796 I'm not afraid of death -- I just don't want to be there when it happens.
25799 I'm not denyin' the women are foolish: God Almighty made 'em to
25803 I'm not even going to *bother* comparing C to BASIC or FORTRAN.
25804 -- L. Zolman, creator of BDS C
25806 I'm not laughing with you, I'm laughing at you.
25808 I'm not offering myself as an example;
25809 every life evolves by its own laws.
25811 I'm not prejudiced, I hate everyone equally.
25815 "I'm not stupid, I'm not expendable, and I'M NOT GOING!"
25817 I'm not sure I've even got the brains to be President.
25818 -- Barry Goldwater, in 1964
25820 I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert!
25822 I'm not the person your mother warned you about... her imagination isn't
25826 I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol
25827 that some thinkle peep I am.
25828 It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.
25830 I'm often asked the question, "Do you think there is extraterrestrial intelli-
25831 gence?" I give the standard arguments -- there are a lot of places out there,
25832 and use the word *billions*, and so on. And then I say it would be astonishing
25833 to me if there weren't extraterrestrial intelligence, but of course there is as
25834 yet no compelling evidence for it. And then I'm asked, "Yeah, but what do you
25835 really think?" I say, "I just told you what I really think." "Yeah, but
25836 what's your gut feeling?" But I try not to think with my gut. Really, it's
25837 okay to reserve judgment until the evidence is in.
25840 I'm prepared for all emergencies but
25841 totally unprepared for everyday life.
25843 I'm proud to be paying taxes in the United States. The only thing is
25844 -- I could be just as proud for half the money.
25847 I'm really enjoying not talking to you...
25848 Let's not talk again REAL soon...
25850 I'm so broke I can't even pay attention.
25852 I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here.
25854 I'm sorry, but my kharma just ran over your dogma.
25856 I'm sorry I missed.
25859 I'm sorry if the correct way of doing things offends you.
25861 I'm still waiting for the advent of the computer science groupie.
25863 I'm successful because I'm lucky.
25864 The harder I work, the luckier I get.
25866 "I'm terribly sorry, sir," the novice barber apologized, after badly nicking
25867 a customer. "Let me wrap your head in a towel."
25868 "That's all right," said the customer. "I'll just take it home under
25871 I'm very good at integral and differential calculus,
25872 I know the scientific names of beings animalculous;
25873 In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral,
25874 I am the very model of a modern Major-General.
25875 -- Gilbert & Sullivan, "The Pirates of Penzance"
25877 I'm very old-fashioned. I believe that people should marry for life,
25878 like pigeons and Catholics.
25881 Imagination is more important than knowledge.
25884 Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality.
25885 -- Jules de Gaultier
25887 Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual
25888 way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of
25892 Imagine me going around with a pot belly.
25893 It would mean political ruin.
25896 Imagine that Cray computer decides to make a personal computer. It has a
25897 150 MHz processor, 200 megabytes of RAM, 1500 megabytes of disk storage, a
25898 screen resolution of 1024 x 1024 pixels, relies entirely on voice recognition
25899 for input, fits in your shirt pocket and costs $300. What's the first
25900 question that the computer community asks?
25902 "Is it PC compatible?"
25904 Imagine there's no heaven... it's easy if you try.
25905 -- John Lennon, "Imagine"
25907 Imagine what we can imagine!
25908 -- Arthur Rubinstein
25910 Imbalance of power corrupts and monopoly of power corrupts absolutely.
25913 Imbesi's Law with Freeman's Extension:
25914 In order for something to become clean, something else must
25915 become dirty; but you can get everything dirty without getting
25918 Imitation is the sincerest form of television.
25921 Immanuel doesn't pun, he Kant.
25923 Immanuel Kant but Kubla Khan.
25925 Immature artists imitate, mature artists steal.
25928 Immature poets imitate, mature poets steal.
25929 -- T.S. Eliot, "Philip Massinger"
25931 Immigration is the sincerest form of flattery.
25934 Immortality -- a fate worse than death.
25937 Immutability, Three Rules of:
25938 (1) If a tarpaulin can flap, it will.
25939 (2) If a small boy can get dirty, he will.
25940 (3) If a teenager can go out, he will.
25943 Unable to perceive any promise of personal advantage from
25944 espousing either side of a controversy or adopting either of two
25945 conflicting opinions.
25947 Important letters which contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.
25948 Corresponding errors will show up in the duplicate while the Boss is reading
25949 it. Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by spontaneously moving
25950 from where you left them to where you can't find them.
25952 In 1967, the Soviet Government minted a beautiful silver ruble with Lenin
25953 in a very familiar pose - arms raised above him, leading the country to
25954 revolution. But, it was clear to everybody, that if you looked at it from
25955 behind, it was clear that Lenin was pointing to 11:00, when the Vodka
25956 shops opened, and was actually saying, "Comrades, forward to the Vodka shops.
25958 It became fashionable, when one wanted to have a drink, to take out the
25959 ruble and say, "Oh my goodness, Comrades, Lenin tells me we should go.
25961 In 1989, the United States, which was displeased with the policies of the
25962 dictator of Panama, invaded that country and placed in power a government
25963 more to its liking.
25965 In 1990, Iraq, which was displeased with the policies of the dictator of
25966 Kuwait, invaded that country and placed in power a government more to its
25969 In a bottle, the neck is always at the top.
25971 In a circuit with a fast-acting fuse,
25972 an IC will blow to protect the fuse.
25974 In a consumer society there are inevitably two kinds of slaves:
25975 the prisoners of addiction and the prisoners of envy.
25977 In a country where the sole employer is the State, opposition means death
25978 by slow starvation. The old principle: Who does not work shall not eat,
25979 has been replaced by a new one: Who does not obey shall not eat.
25980 -- Leon Trotsky, 1937
25982 In a display of perverse brilliance, Carl the repairman mistakes a room
25983 humidifier for a mid-range computer but manages to tie it into the network
25987 In a five year period we can get one superb programming language.
25988 Only we can't control when the five year period will begin.
25990 In a gathering of two or more people, when a lighted cigarette is
25991 placed in an ashtray, the smoke will waft into the face of the non-smoker.
25993 In a great romance, each person basically plays a part that the
25994 other really likes.
25995 -- Elizabeth Ashley
25997 In a hierarchy every employee tends to rise to his level of incompetence ...
25998 in time every post tends to be occupied by an employee who is incompetent
25999 to carry out its duties ... Work is accomplished by those employees who
26000 have not yet reached their level of incompetence.
26001 -- Dr. Laurence J. Peter, "The Peter Principle"
26003 In a minimum-phase system there is an inextricable link between
26004 frequency response, phase response and transient response, as they
26005 are all merely transforms of one another. This combined with
26006 minimalization of open-loop errors in output amplifiers and correct
26007 compensation for non-linear passive crossover network loading can
26008 lead to a significant decrease in system resolution lost. However,
26009 this all means jack when you listen to Pink Floyd.
26011 In a surprise raid last night, federal agent's ransacked a house in search
26012 of a rebel computer hacker. However, they were unable to complete the arrest
26013 because the warrant was made out in the name of Don Provan, while the only
26014 person in the house was named don provan. Proving, once again, that Unix is
26015 superior to Tops10.
26017 In a whiskey it's age, in a cigarette it's
26018 taste and in a sports car it's impossible.
26020 In America any boy may become President, and I suppose that's just the
26024 In America, it's not how much an item costs, it's how much you save.
26026 In an age when the fashion is to be in love with yourself, confessing to
26027 be in love with somebody else is an admission of unfaithfulness to one's
26031 In an orderly world, there's always a place for the disorderly.
26033 In any country there must be people who have to die. They are the
26034 sacrifices any nation has to make to achieve law and order.
26037 In any formula, constants (especially those obtained from handbooks)
26038 are to be treated as variables.
26040 In any problem, if you find yourself doing an infinite amount of work,
26041 the answer may be obtained by inspection.
26043 In any world menu, Canada must be considered the vichyssoise of nations --
26044 it's cold, half-French, and difficult to stir.
26048 A catch basin for everything you don't want
26049 to deal with, but are afraid to throw away.
26051 In breeding cattle you need one bull for every twenty-five cows, unless
26052 the cows are known sluts.
26055 In Brooklyn, we had such great pennant races, it
26056 made the World Series just something that came later.
26057 -- Walter O'Malley, Dodgers owner
26059 In buying horses and taking a wife
26060 shut your eyes tight and commend yourself to God.
26062 In California, Bill Honig, the Superintendent of Public Instruction, said he
26063 thought the general public should have a voice in defining what an excellent
26064 teacher should know. "I would not leave the definition of math," Dr. Honig
26065 said, "up to the mathematicians."
26066 -- The New York Times, October 22, 1985
26068 In California they don't throw their garbage away -- they make
26069 it into television shows.
26070 -- Woody Allen, "Annie Hall"
26072 In case of atomic attack, all work rules will be temporarily suspended.
26074 In case of atomic attack, the federal ruling
26075 against prayer in schools will be temporarily canceled.
26077 In case of fire, stand in the hall and shout "Fire!"
26078 -- The Kidner Report
26080 In case of fire, yell "FIRE!"
26082 In case of injury notify your superior immediately.
26083 He'll kiss it and make it better.
26085 In charity there is no excess.
26088 In childhood a woman must be subject to her father; in youth to her
26089 husband; when her husband is dead, to her sons. A woman must never
26090 be free of subjugation.
26091 -- The Hindu Code of Manu
26093 In Christianity, a man may have only one wife.
26094 This is called Monotony.
26096 In computing, the mean time to failure keeps getting shorter.
26098 In defeat, unbeatable; in victory, unbearable.
26099 -- W. Churchill, on General Montgomery
26101 In dwelling, be close to the land.
26102 In meditation, delve deep into the heart.
26103 In dealing with others, be gentle and kind.
26104 In speech, be true.
26105 In work, be competent.
26106 In action, be careful of your timing.
26109 In English, every word can be verbed. Would that it were so in our
26110 programming languages.
26112 In every country and every age, the priest has been hostile to Liberty.
26113 -- Thomas Jefferson
26115 In every hierarchy the cream rises until it sours.
26116 -- Dr. Laurence J. Peter
26118 In every job that must be done, there is an element of fun.
26119 Find the fun and snap! The job's a game.
26120 And every task you undertake, becomes a piece of cake,
26121 a lark, a spree; it's very clear to see.
26124 In every non-trivial program there is at least one bug.
26126 In fact, S. M. Simpson, eventually devised an efficient 24-point Fourier
26127 transform, which was a precursor to the Cooley-Tukey fast Fourier transform
26128 in 1965. The FFT made all of Simpson's efficient autocorrelation and
26129 spectrum programs instantly obsolete, on which he had worked half a lifetime.
26130 -- Proc. IEEE, Sept. 1982, p.900
26132 In fiction the recourse of the powerless is murder;
26133 in life the recourse of the powerless is petty theft.
26135 In Germany they first came for the Communists and I didn't speak up because
26136 I wasn't a Communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn't speak up
26137 because I wasn't a Jew. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I
26138 didn't speak up because I wasn't a trade unionist. Then they came for the
26139 Catholics, and I didn't speak up because I was a Protestant. Then they came
26140 for me -- and by that time no one was left to speak up.
26141 -- Pastor Martin Niemoller
26143 In God we trust; all else we walk through.
26145 In good speaking, should not the mind of the speaker
26146 know the truth of the matter about which he is to speak?
26149 In her first passion woman loves her lover,
26150 In all the others all she loves is love.
26151 -- George Gordon, Lord Byron, "Don Juan"
26153 In high school in Brooklyn
26154 I was the baseball manager,
26155 proud as I could be
26156 I chased baseballs,
26157 gathered thrown bats
26158 handed out the towels Eventually, I bought my own
26159 It was very important work but it was dark blue while
26160 for a small spastic kid, the official ones were green
26161 but I was a team member Nobody ever said anything
26162 When the team got to me about my blue jacket;
26163 their warm-up jackets the guys were my friends
26164 I didn't get one Yet it hurt me all year
26165 Only the regular team to wear that blue jacket
26166 got these jackets, and among all those green ones
26167 surely not a manager Even now, forty years after,
26168 I still recall that jacket
26169 and the memory goes on hurting.
26170 -- Bart Lanier Safford III, "An Obscured Radiance"
26172 In Hollywood, all marriages are happy. It's trying to live together
26173 afterwards that causes the problems.
26176 In Hollywood, if you don't have happiness, you send out for it.
26179 In India, "cold weather" is merely a conventional phrase and has come into
26180 use through the necessity of having some way to distinguish between weather
26181 which will melt a brass door-knob and weather which will only make it mushy.
26184 In Italy, for thirty years under the Borgias, they had warfare, terror,
26185 murder, and bloodshed, but they produced Michaelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci
26186 and the Renaissance. In Switzerland, they had brotherly love, they had
26187 five hundred years of democracy and peace -- and what did they produce?
26189 -- Orson Welles, "The Third Man"
26191 In just seven days, I can make you a man!
26192 -- The Rocky Horror Picture Show
26193 [ (and seven nights...) Ed.]
26195 In less than a century, computers will be making substantial
26196 progress on ... the overriding problem of war and peace.
26199 In like a dimwit, out like a light.
26202 In love, she who gives her portrait promises the original.
26205 In marriage, as in war, it is permitted
26206 to take every advantage of the enemy.
26208 In Marseilles they make half the toilet soap we consume in America, but
26209 the Marseillaise only have a vague theoretical idea of its use, which they
26210 have obtained from books of travel.
26213 In matters of principle, stand like a rock;
26214 in matters of taste, swim with the current.
26215 -- Thomas Jefferson
26217 In Mexico we have a word for sushi: bait.
26220 In Minnesota they ask why all football fields in Iowa have artificial turf.
26221 It's so the cheerleaders won't graze during the game.
26223 In most instances, all an argument
26224 proves is that two people are present.
26226 In my end is my beginning.
26227 -- Mary Stuart, Queen of Scots
26229 In my experience, if you have to keep the lavatory door shut by extending
26230 your left leg, it's modern architecture.
26231 -- Nancy Banks Smith
26233 IN MY OPINION anyone interested in improving himself should not rule out
26234 becoming pure energy.
26235 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
26237 In Nature there are neither rewards nor
26238 punishments, there are consequences.
26241 In olden times sacrifices were made at the altar --
26242 a practice which is still continued.
26245 In order to dial out, it is necessary to broaden one's dimension.
26247 In order to discover who you are, first learn who everybody else is;
26248 you're what's left.
26250 In order to get a loan you must first prove you don't need it.
26252 In order to live free and happily, you must sacrifice boredom.
26253 It is not always an easy sacrifice.
26255 In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence
26256 is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office.
26257 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
26259 In our civilization, and under our republican form of government,
26260 intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption
26261 from the cares of office.
26263 In Oz, never say "krizzle kroo" to a Woozy.
26265 In Pierre Trudeau, Canada has finally produced
26266 a Prime Minister worthy of assassination.
26267 -- John Diefenbaker
26269 In practice, failures in system development, like unemployment in Russia,
26270 happens a lot despite official propaganda to the contrary.
26273 In real love you want the other person's good. In romantic love you
26274 want the other person.
26275 -- Margaret Anderson
26277 In San Francisco, Halloween is redundant.
26280 In science it often happens that scientists say, 'You know that's a really
26281 good argument; my position is mistaken,' and then they actually change
26282 their minds and you never hear that old view from them again. They really
26283 do it. It doesn't happen as often as it should, because scientists are
26284 human and change is sometimes painful. But it happens every day. I cannot
26285 recall the last time something like that happened in politics or religion.
26286 -- Carl Sagan, 1987 CSICOP keynote address
26288 In short, N is Richardian if, and only if, N is not Richardian.
26290 In spite of everything, I still believe that people are good at heart.
26293 In success there's a tendency to keep on doing what you were doing.
26296 In the beginning there was nothing. And the Lord said "Let There Be Light!"
26297 And still there was nothing, but at least now you could see it.
26299 In the beginning was the word.
26300 But by the time the second word was added to it,
26302 For with it came syntax ...
26305 In the course of reading Hadamard's "The Psychology of Invention in the
26306 Mathematical Field", I have come across evidence supporting a fact
26307 which we coffee achievers have long appreciated: no really creative,
26308 intelligent thought is possible without a good cup of coffee. On page
26309 14, Hadamard is discussing Poincare's theory of fuchsian groups and
26310 fuchsian functions, which he describes as "... one of his greatest
26311 discoveries, the first which consecrated his glory ..." Hadamard refers
26312 to Poincare having had a "... sleepless night which initiated all that
26313 memorable work ..." and gives the following, very revealing quote:
26315 "One evening, contrary to my custom, I drank black coffee and
26316 could not sleep. Ideas rose in crowds; I felt them collide
26317 until pairs interlocked, so to speak, making a stable
26320 Too bad drinking black coffee was contrary to his custom. Maybe he
26321 could really have amounted to something as a coffee achiever.
26323 In the days of old,
26324 When Knights were bold,
26325 And women were too cautious;
26326 Oh, those gallant days,
26327 When women were women,
26328 And men were really obnoxious.
26330 In the dimestores and bus stations
26331 People talk of situations
26332 Read books repeat quotations
26333 Draw conclusions on the wall.
26336 In the early morning queue,
26337 With a listing in my hand.
26338 With a worry in my heart, There on terminal number 9,
26339 Waitin' here in CERAS-land. Pascal run all set to go.
26340 I'm a long way from sleep, But I'm waitin' in the queue,
26341 How I miss a good meal so. With this code that ever grows.
26342 In the early mornin' queue, Now the lobby chairs are soft,
26343 With no place to go. But that can't make the queue move fast.
26344 Hey, there it goes my friend,
26345 I've moved up one at last.
26346 -- Ernest Adams, "Early Morning Queue", to "Early
26347 Morning Rain" by G. Lightfoot
26349 In the east there is a shark which is larger than all other fish. It changes
26350 into a bird whose wings are like clouds filling the sky. When this bird
26351 moves across the land, it brings a message from Corporate Headquarters. This
26352 message it drops into the midst of the programmers, like a seagull making
26353 its mark upon the beach. Then the bird mounts on the wind and, with the blue
26354 sky at its back, returns home.
26356 The novice programmer stares in wonder at the bird, for he understands it not.
26357 The average programmer dreads the coming of the bird, for he fears its message.
26358 The master programmer continues to work at his terminal, for he does not know
26359 that the bird has come and gone.
26361 In the eyes of my dog, I'm a man.
26364 In the first place, God made idiots;
26365 this was for practice; then he made school boards.
26368 In the force if Yoda's so strong, construct a sentence with words in
26369 the proper order then why can't he?
26371 In the force if Yoda's so strong, construct a sentence with words in
26372 the proper order then why can't he?
26375 I met him in a swamp down in Dagobah
26376 Where it bubbles all the time like a giant cabinet soda
26378 I saw the little runt sitting there on a log
26379 I asked him his name and in a raspy voice he said Yoda
26380 Y-O-D-A Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda
26382 Well I've been around but I ain't never seen
26383 A guy who looks like a Muppet but he's wrinkled and green
26384 Oh my Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda
26385 Well I'm not dumb but I can't understand
26386 How he can raise me in the air just by raising his hand
26387 Oh my Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda
26388 -- The STAR WARS Song, to "Lola", by the Kinks
26390 In the future, there will be fewer but better Russians.
26393 In the future, you're going to get computers as prizes in breakfast cereals.
26394 You'll throw them out because your house will be littered with them.
26396 In the Halls of Justice the only justice is in the halls.
26399 In the highest society, as well as in the lowest,
26400 woman is merely an instrument of pleasure.
26403 In the land of the dark the Ship of the
26404 Sun is driven by the Grateful Dead.
26405 -- Egyptian Book of the Dead
26407 In the long run, every program becomes rococco, and then rubble.
26410 In the long run we are all dead.
26411 -- John Maynard Keynes
26413 In the middle of a wide field is a pot of gold. 100 feet to the north stands
26414 a smart manager. 100 feet to the south stands a dumb manager. 100 feet to
26415 the east is the Easter Bunny, and 100 feet to the west is Santa Claus.
26417 Q: Who gets to the pot of gold first?
26418 A: The dumb manager. All the rest are myths.
26420 In the midst of one of the wildest parties he'd ever been to, the young man
26421 noticed a very prim and pretty girl sitting quietly apart from the rest of
26422 the revelers. Approaching her, he introduced himself and, after some quiet
26423 conversation, said, "I'm afraid you and I don't really fit in with this
26424 jaded group. Why don't I take you home?""
26425 "Fine," said the girl, smiling up at him demurely. "Where do you
26428 In the misfortune of our friends we find something that is not
26430 -- La Rochefoucauld, "Maxims"
26432 In the next world, you're on your own.
26434 In the Old West a wagon train is crossing the plains. As night falls the
26435 wagon train forms a circle, and a campfire is lit in the middle. After
26436 everyone has gone to sleep two lone cavalry officers stand watch over the
26438 After several hours of quiet, they hear war drums starting from
26439 a nearby Indian village they had passed during the day. The drums get
26441 Finally one soldier turns to the other and says, "I don't like
26442 the sound of those drums."
26443 Suddenly, they hear a cry come from the Indian camp: "IT'S
26444 NOT OUR REGULAR DRUMMER."
26446 In the olden days in England, you could be hung for stealing a sheep or a
26447 loaf of bread. However, if a sheep stole a loaf of bread and gave it to
26448 you, you would only be tried for receiving, a crime punishable by forty
26449 lashes with the cat or the dog, whichever was handy. If you stole a dog
26450 and were caught, you were punished with twelve rabbit punches, although it
26451 was hard to find rabbits big enough or strong enough to punch you.
26452 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
26454 In the plot, people came to the land; the land loved them; they worked and
26455 struggled and had lots of children. There was a Frenchman who talked funny
26456 and a greenhorn from England who was a fancy-pants but when it came to the
26457 crunch he was all courage. Those novels would make you retch.
26458 -- Canadian novelist Robertson Davies, on the generic Canadian
26461 In the space of one hundred and seventy-six years the Mississippi has
26462 shortened itself two hundred and forty-two miles. Therefore ... in the Old
26463 Silurian Period the Mississippi River was upward of one million three hundred
26464 thousand miles long ... seven hundred and forty-two years from now the
26465 Mississippi will be only a mile and three-quarters long. ... There is
26466 something fascinating about science. One gets such wholesome returns of
26467 conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact.
26470 In the Spring, I have counted 136
26471 different kinds of weather inside of 24 hours.
26472 -- Mark Twain, on New England weather
26474 In the stairway of life, you'd best take the elevator.
26476 In the Top 40, half the songs are secret messages to the teen world to drop
26477 out, turn on, and groove with the chemicals and light shows at discotheques.
26480 In the war of wits, he's unarmed.
26482 In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice.
26483 In practice, there is.
26485 In these matters the only certainty is that there is nothing certain.
26490 Your head grows bald
26494 In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.
26495 -- Benjamin Franklin
26497 In this world of sin and sorrow there is always something to be
26498 thankful for; as for me, I rejoice that I am not a Republican.
26501 In this world some people are going to like me and some are not.
26502 So, I may as well be me. Then I know if someone likes me, they like me.
26504 In this world there are only two tragedies. One is
26505 not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.
26508 In this world, truth can wait; she's used to it.
26510 In time, every post tends to be occupied by an
26511 employee who is incompetent to carry out its duties.
26514 In /users3 did Kubla Kahn
26515 A stately pleasure dome decree,
26516 Where /bin, the sacred river ran
26517 Through Test Suites measureless to Man
26518 Down to a sunless C.
26520 In war it is not men, but the man who counts.
26523 In war, truth is the first casualty.
26526 In which level of metalanguage are you now speaking?
26528 In wine there is truth (In vino veritas).
26531 In Xanadu did Kubla Khan a stately pleasure dome decree
26532 But only if the NFL to a franchise would agree.
26534 In Xanadu did Kubla Khan
26535 A stately pleasure dome decree:
26536 Where Alph, the sacred river, ran
26537 Through caverns measureless to man
26538 Down to a sunless sea.
26539 So twice five miles of fertile ground
26540 With walls and towers were girdled round:
26541 And there were gardens bright with sinuous rills,
26542 Where blossomed many an incense-bearing tree;
26543 And here were forest ancient as the hills,
26544 Enfolding sunny spots of greenery.
26545 -- S.T. Coleridge, "Kubla Kahn"
26547 In youth, it was a way I had
26548 To do my best to please,
26549 And change, with every passing lad,
26550 To suit his theories.
26552 But now I know the things I know,
26553 And do the things I do;
26554 And if you do not like me so,
26555 To hell, my love, with you!
26556 -- Dorothy Parker, "Indian Summer"
26559 The system of long and short-term rewards that a corporation uses
26560 to motivate its people. Still, despite all the experimentation with
26561 profit sharing, stock options, and the like, the most effective
26562 incentive program to date seems to be "Do a good job and you get to
26567 Increased knowledge will help you now.
26568 Have mate's phone bugged.
26571 Person of liveliest interest to the outcumbents.
26573 Indecision is the true basis for flexibility.
26575 Indeed, the first noble truth of Buddhism, usually translated as
26576 `all life is suffering,' is more accurately rendered `life is filled
26577 with a sense of pervasive unsatisfactoriness.'
26581 Alphabetical list of words of no possible interest where an
26582 alphabetical list of subjects with references ought to be.
26584 Indiana is a state dedicated to basketball. Basketball, soybeans, hogs and
26585 basketball. Berkeley, needless to say, is not nearly as athletic. Berkeley
26586 is dedicated to coffee, angst, potholes and coffee.
26589 Indifference will certainly be the downfall of mankind, but who cares?
26591 Individualists unite!
26593 Indomitable in retreat; invincible in
26594 advance; insufferable in victory.
26595 -- Winston Churchill, on General Montgomery
26598 The period of our lives when, according to Wordsworth, "Heaven lies
26599 about us." The world begins lying about us pretty soon afterward.
26602 Infidel: In New York, one who does not believe in the
26603 Christian religion; in Constantinople, one who does.
26606 Inform all the troops that communications have completely broken down.
26608 Information Center:
26609 A room staffed by professional computer people whose job it is to
26610 tell you why you cannot have the information you require.
26612 Information is the inverse of entropy.
26614 Information Processing:
26615 What you call data processing when people are so disgusted with
26616 it they won't let it be discussed in their presence.
26618 Inglish Spocken Hier: some mangled translations
26620 Sign on a cabin door of a Soviet Black Sea cruise liner:
26621 Helpsavering apparata in emergings behold many whistles!
26622 Associate the stringing apparata about the bosums and meet
26623 behind, flee then to the indifferent lifesaveringshippen
26624 obedicing the instructs of the vessel.
26626 On the door in a Belgrade hotel:
26627 Let us know about any unficiency as well as leaking on
26628 the service. Our utmost will improve it.
26632 Inglish Spocken Hier: some mangled translations
26634 Sign on a cathedral in Spain:
26635 It is forbidden to enter a woman, even a foreigner if
26638 Above the entrance to a Cairo bar:
26639 Unaccompanied ladies not admitted unless with husband
26642 On a Bucharest elevator:
26644 The lift is being fixed for the next days.
26645 During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.
26649 Inglish Spocken Hier: some mangled translations
26651 Various signs in Poland:
26653 Right turn toward immediate outside.
26655 Go soothingly in the snow, as there lurk the ski demons.
26657 Five o'clock tea at all hours.
26659 In a men's washroom in Sidney:
26661 Shake excess water from hands, push button to start,
26662 rub hands rapidly under air outlet and wipe hands
26665 -- Colin Bowles, San Francisco Chronicle
26668 A man who bites the hand that feeds him,
26669 and then complains of indigestion.
26671 Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere.
26672 -- Martin Luther King, Jr.
26675 A villainous compound of tannogallate of iron, gum-arabic,
26676 and water, chiefly used to facilitate the infection of
26677 idiocy and promote intellectual crime.
26680 Innocence ends when one is stripped of the delusion that one
26682 -- Joan Didion, "On Self Respect"
26687 Innovation is hard to schedule.
26693 Insanity is considered a ground for divorce, though by the very same
26694 token it is the shortest detour to marriage.
26697 Insanity is inherited, you get it from your kids!
26699 Insanity is the final defense. It's hard to get a refund when
26700 the salesman is sniffing your crotch and baying at the moon.
26703 Finding out that you've mispronounced for years one of your
26706 Realizing halfway through a joke that you're telling it to
26707 the person who told it to you.
26709 Inside every large problem is a small problem struggling to get out.
26711 Insomnia isn't anything to lose sleep over.
26713 Inspector: "Mrs. Freem, was this your husband's first
26715 Mrs. Freem: "His first fatal one, yes."
26718 Inspiration without perspiration is usually sterile.
26720 Instead of giving money to found colleges to promote learning, why don't
26721 they pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from learning
26722 anything? If it works as good as the Prohibition one did, why, in five
26723 years we would have the smartest race of people on earth.
26724 -- The Best of Will Rogers
26726 Instead of loving your enemies, treat your friends a little better.
26729 Integrity has no need for rules.
26731 Intel CPUs are not defective, they just act that way.
26734 Intellect annuls Fate.
26735 So far as a man thinks, he is free.
26736 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
26738 Interchangeable parts won't.
26741 What borrowers pay, lenders receive, stockholders own, and
26742 burned out employees must feign.
26744 Interesting poll results reported in today's New York Post: people on the
26745 street in midtown Manhattan were asked whether they approved of the US
26746 invasion of Grenada. Fifty-three percent said yes; 39 percent said no;
26747 and 8 percent said "Gimme a quarter?"
26750 Interfere? Of course we should interfere! Always do what you're
26751 best at, that's what I say.
26755 One who enables two persons of different languages to understand
26756 each other by repeating to each what it would have been to the
26757 interpreter's advantage for the other to have said.
26759 Into love and out again,
26760 Thus I went and thus I go.
26761 Spare your voice, and hold your pen:
26762 Well and bitterly I know
26763 All the songs were ever sung,
26764 All the words were ever said;
26765 Could it be, when I was young,
26766 Someone dropped me on my head?
26767 -- Dorothy Parker, "Theory"
26770 When you feel sophisticated without being able to pronounce it.
26772 Introducing, the 1010, a one-bit processor.
26777 1 JMP Jump (address specified by next 2 bits)
26779 Now Available for only 12 1/2 cents!
26781 Invest in physics -- own a piece of Dirac!
26783 Involvement with people is always a very delicate thing --
26784 it requires real maturity to become involved and not get all messed up.
26788 It's off to disk I go,
26789 A bit or byte to read or write,
26794 _/I\_____________o______________o___/I\ l * / /_/ * __ ' .* l
26795 I"""_____________l______________l___"""I\ l *// _l__l_ . *. l
26796 [__][__][(******)__][__](******)[__][] \l l-\ ---//---*----(oo)----------l
26797 [][__][__(******)][__][_(******)_][__] l l \\ // ____ >-( )-< / l
26798 [__][__][_l l[__][__][l l][__][] l l \\)) ._****_.(......) .@@@:::l
26799 [][__][__]l .l_][__][__] .l__][__] l l ll _(o_o)_ (@*_*@ l
26800 [__][__][/ <_)[__][__]/ <_)][__][] l l ll ( / \ ) / / / ) l
26801 [][__][ /..,/][__][__][/..,/_][__][__] l l / \\ _\ \_ / _\_\ l
26802 [__][__(__/][__][__][_(__/_][__][__][] l l______________________________l
26803 [__][__]] l , , . [__][__][] l
26804 [][__][_] l . i. '/ , [][__][__] l /\**/\ season's
26805 [__][__]] l O .\ / /, O [__][__][] l ( o_o )_) greetings
26806 _[][__][_] l__l======='=l____[][__][__] l_______,(u u ,),__________________
26807 [__][__]]/ /l\-------/l\ [__][__][]/ {}{}{}{}{}{}<R>
26809 In Ellen's house it is warm and toasty while fuzzies play in the snow outside.
26812 IOT trap -- core dumped
26814 IOT trap -- mos dumped
26816 Iowa State -- the high school after high school!
26819 Iowans ask why Minnesotans don't drink more Kool-Aid. That's because
26820 they can't figure out how to get two quarts of water into one of those
26821 little paper envelopes.
26823 Iron Law of Distribution:
26824 Them that has, gets.
26827 A windy day, when, just as a beautiful girl with
26828 a short skirt approaches, dust blows in your eyes.
26830 Is a computer language with goto's totally Wirth-less?
26832 Is a person who blows up banks an econoclast?
26834 "Is a tatoo real, like a curb or a battleship?
26835 Or are we suffering in Safeway?"
26836 -- Zippy the Pinhead
26838 Is a wedding successful if it comes off without a hitch?
26840 Is death legally binding?
26842 Is it possible that software is not like anything else, that it is
26843 meant to be discarded: that the whole point is to always see it as
26846 Is it weird in here, or is it just me?
26849 Is knowledge knowable? If not, how do we know that?
26851 Is not marriage an open question, when it is alleged, from the beginning
26852 of the world, that such as are in the institution wish to get out,
26853 and such as are out wish to get in?
26856 Is sex dirty? Only if it's done right.
26857 -- Woody Allen, "All You Ever Wanted To Know About Sex"
26859 Is that a pistol in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?
26862 Is that really YOU that is reading this?
26864 "Is there any point to which you would wish to draw my attention?"
26865 "To the curious incident of the dog in the night-time."
26866 "The dog did nothing in the night-time."
26867 "That was the curious incident," remarked Sherlock Holmes.
26869 Is there life before breakfast?
26871 Is this really happening?
26873 Isn't air travel wonderful?
26874 Breakfast in London, dinner in New York, luggage in Brazil.
26876 Isn't it conceivable to you that an intelligent
26877 person could harbor two opposing ideas in his mind?
26878 -- Adlai Stevenson, to reporters
26880 Isn't it interesting that the same people who laugh at science fiction
26881 listen to weather forecasts and economists?
26882 -- Kelvin Throop III
26884 Isn't it ironic that many men spend a great part of their lives
26885 avoiding marriage while single-mindedly pursuing those things that
26886 would make them better prospects?
26888 Isn't it nice that people who prefer Los Angeles to San Francisco live
26892 Isn't it strange that the same people that
26893 laugh at gypsy fortune tellers take economists seriously?
26896 A solution in search of a problem!
26898 Issawi's Laws of Progress:
26899 The Course of Progress:
26900 Most things get steadily worse.
26901 The Path of Progress:
26902 A shortcut is the longest distance between two points.
26904 It appears that PL/I (and its dialects) is, or will be, the
26905 most widely used higher level language for systems programming.
26908 It cannot be seen, cannot be felt,
26909 Cannot be heard, cannot be smelt.
26910 It lies behind starts and under hills,
26911 And empty holes it fills.
26912 It comes first and follows after,
26913 Ends life, kills laughter.
26915 "It could be that Walter's horse has wings" does not imply that there is
26916 any such animal as Walter's horse, only that there could be; but "Walter's
26917 horse is a thing which could have wings" does imply Walter's horse's
26918 existence. But the conjunction "Walter's horse exists, and it could be
26919 that Walter's horse has wings" still does not imply "Walter's horse is a
26920 thing that could have wings", for perhaps it can only be that Walter's
26921 horse has wings by Walter having a different horse. Nor does "Walter's
26922 horse is a thing which could have wings" conversely imply "It could be that
26923 Walter's horse has wings"; for it might be that Walter's horse could only
26924 have wings by not being Walter's horse.
26926 I would deny, though, that the formula [Necessarily if some x has property P
26927 then some x has property P] expresses a logical law, since P(x) could stand
26928 for, let us say "x is a better logician than I am", and the statement "It is
26929 necessary that if someone is a better logician than I am then someone is a
26930 better logician than I am" is false because there need not have been any me.
26931 -- A.N. Prior, "Time and Modality"
26933 It destroys one's nerves to be amiable every day to the same human being.
26934 -- Benjamin Disraeli
26936 It did not occur to me that my being with two men continuously would
26937 interest anyone or arouse anyone's misgivings. I asked for an invitation
26938 for Heinrich too, as often as it seemed possible, when Paulus and I were
26939 invited to a social gathering. I felt the set of rules others lived by
26940 was irrelevant. My childhood attitude -- every attempt to adjust is
26941 hopeless and you might just as well follow your own attitudes -- must have
26943 -- Hannah Tillich, "From Time to Time"
26945 It does not do to leave a live dragon out of your calculations.
26947 It does not matter if you fall down as long as you
26948 pick up something from the floor while you get up.
26950 It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've
26951 done and what you're going to do.
26953 It doesn't matter whether you win or lose -- until you lose.
26955 It doesn't much signify whom one marries, for one is sure to find out
26956 next morning it was someone else.
26959 It follows that any commander in chief who undertakes to carry out a plan
26960 which he considers defective is at fault; he must put forth his reasons,
26961 insist of the plan being changed, and finally tender his resignation rather
26962 than be the instrument of his army's downfall.
26963 -- Napoleon, "Military Maxims and Thought"
26965 It gets late early out there.
26968 It got to the point where I had to get a haircut
26969 or both feet firmly planted in the air.
26971 It hangs down from the chandelier
26972 Nobody knows quite what it does
26973 Its color is odd and its shape is weird
26974 It emits a high-sounding buzz
26976 It grows a couple of feet each day
26977 and wriggles with sort of a twitch
26978 Nobody bugs it 'cause it comes from
26979 a visiting uncle who's rich!
26980 -- To "It Came Upon A Midnight Clear"
26982 It happened long ago
26983 In the new magic land
26984 The Indians and the buffalo
26985 Existed hand in hand
26986 The Indians needed food
26987 They need skins for a roof
26988 The only took what they needed
26989 And the buffalo ran loose
26990 But then came the white man
26991 With his thick and empty head
26992 He couldn't see past his billfold
26993 He wanted all the buffalo dead
26994 It was sad, oh so sad.
26995 -- Ted Nugent, "The Great White Buffalo"
26997 It happened that a fire broke out backstage in a theater. The clown came
26998 out to inform the public. They thought it was just a jest and applauded.
26999 He repeated his warning, they shouted even louder. So I think the world
27000 will come to an end amid general applause from all the wits, who believe
27003 It has been justly observed by sages of all lands that although a man may be
27004 most happily married and continue in that state with the utmost contentment,
27005 it does not necessarily follow that he has therefore been struck stone-blind.
27008 It has been observed that one's nose is never so happy as when it
27009 is thrust into the affairs of another, from which some physiologists
27010 have drawn the inference that the nose is devoid of the sense of smell.
27013 It has been said that Public Relations is the art of winning friends
27014 and getting people under the influence.
27017 It has just been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
27019 It has long been an article of our folklore that too much knowledge or skill,
27020 or especially consummate expertise, is a bad thing. It dehumanizes those who
27021 achieve it, and makes difficult their commerce with just plain folks, in whom
27022 good old common sense has not been obliterated by mere book learning or fancy
27023 notions. This popular delusion flourishes now more than ever, for we are all
27024 infected with it in the schools, where educationists have elevated it from
27025 folklore to Article of Belief. It enhances their self-esteem and lightens
27026 their labors by providing theoretical justification for deciding that
27027 appreciation, or even simple awareness, is more to be prized than knowledge,
27028 and relating (to self and others), more than skill, in which minimum
27029 competence will be quite enough.
27030 -- The Underground Grammarian
27032 It has long been an axiom of mine that the little things are infinitely
27033 the most important.
27036 It has long been an axiom of mine that the
27037 little things are infinitely the most important.
27038 -- Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, "A Case of Identity"
27040 It has long been known that birds will occasionally build nests in the
27041 manes of horses. The only known solution to this problem is to sprinkle
27042 baker's yeast in the mane, for, as we all know, yeast is yeast and nest
27043 is nest, and never the mane shall tweet.
27045 It has long been known that one horse can run faster
27046 than another -- but which one? Differences are crucial.
27049 It has long been noticed that juries are pitiless for robbery and full of
27050 indulgence for infanticide. A question of interest, my dear Sir! The jury
27051 is afraid of being robbed and has passed the age when it could be a victim
27055 It is a hard matter, my fellow citizens,
27056 to argue with the belly, since it has no ears.
27057 -- Marcus Porcius Cato
27059 It is a lesson which all history teaches
27060 wise men, to put trust in ideas, and not in circumstances.
27063 It is a poor judge who cannot award a prize.
27065 It is a profitable thing, if one is wise, to seem foolish.
27068 It is a sobering thought that when Mozart was
27069 my age, he had been dead for 2 years.
27072 It is a very humbling experience to make a multimillion-dollar mistake, but
27073 it is also very memorable. I vividly recall the night we decided how to
27074 organize the actual writing of external specifications for OS/360. The
27075 manager of architecture, the manager of control program implementation, and
27076 I were threshing out the plan, schedule, and division of responsibilities.
27077 The architecture manager had 10 good men. He asserted that they
27078 could write the specifications and do it right. It would take ten months,
27079 three more than the schedule allowed.
27080 The control program manager had 150 men. He asserted that they
27081 could prepare the specifications, with the architecture team coordinating;
27082 it would be well-done and practical, and he could do it on schedule.
27083 Furthermore, if the architecture team did it, his 150 men would sit twiddling
27084 their thumbs for ten months.
27085 To this the architecture manager responded that if I gave the control
27086 program team the responsibility, the result would not in fact be on time,
27087 but would also be three months late, and of much lower quality. I did, and
27088 it was. He was right on both counts. Moreover, the lack of conceptual
27089 integrity made the system far more costly to build and change, and I would
27090 estimate that it added a year to debugging time.
27091 -- Frederick Brooks Jr., "The Mythical Man Month"
27093 It is a wise father that knows his own child.
27094 -- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"
27096 It is against the grain of modern education to teach children to program.
27097 What fun is there in making plans, acquiring discipline in organizing
27098 thoughts, devoting attention to detail, and learning to be self-critical?
27101 It is all right to hold a conversation,
27102 but you should let go of it now and then.
27105 It is always the best policy to speak the truth,
27106 unless of course you are an exceptionally good liar.
27107 -- Jerome K. Jerome
27109 It is always the best policy to tell the truth, unless, of course,
27110 you are an exceptionally good liar.
27111 -- Jerome K. Jerome
27113 It is amazing how complete is the delusion that beauty is goodness.
27115 It is annoying to be honest to no purpose.
27116 -- Publius Ovidius Naso (Ovid)
27118 It is bad luck to be superstitious.
27119 -- Andrew W. Mathis
27121 [It is] best to confuse only one issue at a time.
27124 It is better to be bow-legged than no-legged.
27126 It is better to be on penicillin, than never to have loved at all.
27128 It is better to burn out than it is to rust.
27130 It is better to die on your feet than to live on your knees.
27132 It is better to give than to lend, and it costs about the same.
27134 It is better to have loved a short man than never to have loved a tall.
27136 It is better to have loved and lost -- much better.
27138 It is better to have loved and lost than just to have lost.
27140 It is better to kiss an avocado than to get in a fight with an aardvark.
27142 It is better to live rich than to die rich.
27145 It is better to remain childless than to father an orphan.
27147 It is better to travel hopefully than to fly Continental.
27149 It is better to wear chains than to believe you are free,
27150 and weight yourself down with invisible chains.
27152 It is better to wear out than to rust out.
27154 It is by the fortune of God that, in this country, we have three benefits:
27155 freedom of speech, freedom of thought, and the wisdom never to use either.
27158 It is common sense to take a method and try it. If it fails,
27159 admit it frankly and try another. But above all, try something.
27160 -- Franklin D. Roosevelt
27162 It is contrary to reasoning to say that there
27163 is a vacuum or space in which there is absolutely nothing.
27166 It is convenient that there be gods, and,
27167 as it is convenient, let us believe there are.
27168 -- Publius Ovidius Naso (Ovid)
27170 It is dangerous for a national candidate to say things that people might
27174 It is difficult to legislate morality in the absence of moral legislators.
27176 It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both incisive
27177 and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by twelve dancing
27178 rabbits singing about toilet paper.
27181 It is difficult to soar with the eagles when you work with turkeys.
27183 It is easier for a camel to pass through the
27184 eye of a needle if it is lightly greased.
27187 It is easier to be a "humanitarian" than to render your own country its
27188 proper due; it is easier to be a "patriot" than to make your community a
27189 better place to live in; it is easier to be a "civic leader" than to treat
27190 your own family with loving understanding; for the smaller the focus of
27191 attention, the harder the task.
27192 -- Sydney J. Harris
27194 It is easier to change the specification to fit the program than vice versa.
27196 It is easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them.
27199 It is easier to make a saint out of a libertine than out of a prig.
27200 -- George Santayana
27202 It is easier to resist at the beginning than at the end.
27203 -- Leonardo da Vinci
27205 It is easier to run down a hill than up one.
27207 It is easier to write an incorrect program than understand a correct one.
27209 It is easy when we are in prosperity to give advice to the afflicted.
27212 It is enough to make one sympathize with a tyrant for the determination
27213 of his courtiers to deceive him for their own personal ends...
27214 -- Russell Baker and Charles Peters
27216 It is equally bad when one speeds on the guest unwilling to go, and when he
27217 holds back one who is hastening. Rather one should befriend the guest who
27218 is there, but speed him when he wishes.
27219 -- Homer, "The Odyssey"
27221 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
27222 referring to scheduling.]
27224 It is exactly because a man cannot do a
27225 thing that he is a proper judge of it.
27228 It is explained that all relationships require a little give and take. This
27229 is untrue. Any partnership demands that we give and give and give and at the
27230 last, as we flop into our graves exhausted, we are told that we didn't give
27232 -- Quentin Crisp, "How to Become a Virgin"
27234 It is far better to be deceived than to be undeceived by those we love.
27236 It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities
27240 It is Fortune, not Wisdom, that rules man's life.
27243 to become lacrymose over precipitately departed lactate fluid.
27245 to attempt to indoctrinate a superannuated canine with
27246 innovative maneuvers.
27248 It is generally agreed that "Hello" is an appropriate greeting because
27249 if you entered a room and said "Goodbye," it could confuse a lot of people.
27250 -- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot"
27252 It is idle to attempt to talk a young woman out of her passion:
27253 love does not lie in the ear.
27256 It is imperative when flying coach that you restrain any tendency toward
27257 the vividly imaginative. For although it may momentarily appear to be the
27258 case, it is not at all likely that the cabin is entirely inhabited by
27259 crying babies smoking inexpensive domestic cigars.
27260 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"
27262 It is impossible for an optimist to be pleasantly surprised.
27264 It is impossible to defend perfectly
27265 against the attack of those who want to die.
27267 It is impossible to enjoy idling thoroughly
27268 unless one has plenty of work to do.
27269 -- Jerome Klapka Jerome
27271 It is impossible to enjoy idling unless there is plenty of work to do.
27272 -- Jerome K. Jerome
27274 It is impossible to make anything
27275 foolproof because fools are so ingenious.
27277 It is impossible to travel faster than light, and
27278 certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off.
27282 So wrapped up in red tape that the situation is almost hopeless.
27284 It is indeed desirable to be well descended,
27285 but the glory belongs to our ancestors.
27288 It is like saying that for the cause of peace,
27289 God and the Devil will have a high-level meeting.
27290 -- Rev. Carl McIntire, on Nixon's China trip
27292 It is most dangerous nowadays for a husband to pay any attention to his
27293 wife in public. It always makes people think that he beats her when
27294 they're alone. The world has grown so suspicious of anything that looks
27295 like a happy married life.
27298 It is much easier to be critical than to be correct.
27299 -- Benjamin Disraeli
27301 It is much easier to suggest solutions
27302 when you know nothing about the problem.
27304 It is much harder to find a job than to keep one.
27306 It is no wonder that people are so horrible when they start life as children.
27309 It is not a good omen when goldfish commit suicide.
27311 It is not doing the thing we like to do, but liking the thing we have to do,
27312 that makes life blessed.
27315 It is not enough that I should succeed. Others must fail.
27316 -- Ray Kroc, Founder of McDonald's
27317 [Also attributed to David Merrick. Ed.]
27319 It is not enough to succeed. Others must fail.
27321 [Great minds think alike? Ed.]
27323 It is not enough to have a good mind.
27324 The main thing is to use it well.
27327 It is not enough to have great qualities,
27328 we should also have the management of them.
27329 -- La Rochefoucauld
27331 It is not every question that deserves an answer.
27334 It is not for me to attempt to fathom the
27335 inscrutable workings of Providence.
27336 -- The Earl of Birkenhead
27338 It is not good for a man to be without knowledge,
27339 and he who makes haste with his feet misses his way.
27342 It is not necessary to inquire whether a woman would like something for
27343 dessert. The answer is yes, she would like something for dessert, but
27344 she would like you to order it so she can pick at it with your fork. She
27345 does not want you to call attention to this by saying, 'If you wanted a
27346 dessert, why didn't you order one?' You must understand, she has the
27347 dessert she wants. The dessert she wants is contained within yours.
27348 -- Merrill Marcoe, "An Insider's Guide to the American Woman"
27350 It is not that polar co-ordinates are complicated, it is simply
27351 that cartesian co-ordinates are simpler than they have a right to be.
27352 -- Kleppner & Kolenhow, "An Introduction to Mechanics"
27354 It is not the critic who counts, or how the strong man stumbled, or whether
27355 the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the
27356 man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and
27357 blood, who strives valiantly, who errs and comes short again and again; who
27358 knows the great enthusiasm, the great devotion, and who spends himself in a
27359 worthy cause, and if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that
27360 he'll never be with those cold and timid souls who never know either victory
27364 It is not true that life is one damn thing after
27365 another -- it's one damn thing over and over.
27366 -- Edna St. Vincent Millay
27368 It is November first 1940; in the famous sound stage of THE WIZARD OF OZ on
27369 the MGM lot, a little man is lying face-up on the yellow brick road. His
27370 wide eyes stare upward into the blinding stage lights. He is wearing a
27371 kind of comic soldier's uniform with a yellow coat and puffy sleeves and
27372 big fez-like blue and yellow hat with a feather on top. His yellow hair
27373 and beard are the phony straw color of Hollywood. He could pass for some
27374 kind of cute in the typical tinsel-town way if it wasn't for the knife
27375 sticking out of his chest. *Someone had murdered a Munchkin.*
27376 -- Stuart Kaminsky, "Murder on the Yellow Brick Road"
27378 It is now 10 p.m. Do you know where Henry Kissinger is?
27379 -- Elizabeth Carpenter
27381 It is now pitch dark. If you proceed, you will likely fall into a pit.
27383 It is now quite lawful for a Catholic woman to avoid pregnancy by a resort
27384 to mathematics, though she is still forbidden to resort to physics and
27388 It is often easier to ask for forgiveness than to ask for permission.
27389 -- Grace Murray Hopper
27391 It is one thing to praise discipline, and another to submit to it.
27394 It is only by risking our persons from one hour to another that we live
27395 at all. And often enough our faith beforehand in an uncertified result
27396 is the only thing that makes the result come true.
27399 It is only with the heart one can see clearly;
27400 what is essential is invisible to the eye.
27401 -- The Fox, 'The Little Prince"
27403 It is possible by ingenuity and at the expense of clarity... {to do almost
27404 anything in any language}. However, the fact that it is possible to push
27405 a pea up a mountain with your nose does not mean that this is a sensible
27406 way of getting it there. Each of these techniques of language extension
27407 should be used in its proper place.
27408 -- Christopher Strachey
27410 It is possible that blondes also prefer gentlemen.
27411 -- Maimie Van Doren
27413 It is practically impossible to teach good programming to students that
27414 have had a prior exposure to BASIC: as potential programmers they are
27415 mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration.
27416 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5
27418 It is ridiculous to call this an industry. This is not. This is rat eat
27419 rat, dog eat dog. I'll kill 'em, and I'm going to kill 'em before they
27420 kill me. You're talking about the American way of survival of the fittest.
27421 -- Ray Kroc, founder of McDonald's
27423 It is right that he too should have his little chronicle, his memories,
27424 his reason, and be able to recognize the good in the bad, the bad in the
27425 worst, and so grow gently old all down the unchanging days and die one
27426 day like any other day, only shorter.
27427 -- Samuel Beckett, "Malone Dies"
27429 It is said an Eastern monarch once charged his wise men to invent him a
27430 sentence to be ever in view, and which should be true and appropriate
27431 in all times and situations. They presented him the words: "And this,
27432 too, shall pass away."
27435 It is said that the lonely eagle flies to the mountain peaks while the
27436 lowly ant crawls the ground, but cannot the soul of the ant soar as
27439 It is so soon that I am done for, I wonder what I was begun for.
27440 -- Epitaph, Cheltenham Churchyard
27442 It is so stupid of modern civilization to have given up believing in the
27443 devil when he is the only explanation of it.
27444 -- Ronald Knox, "Let Dons Delight"
27446 It is so very hard to be an on-your-own-take-care-of-
27447 yourself-because-there-is-no-one-else-to-do-it-for-you grown up.
27449 It is something to be able to paint a particular picture, or to carve a
27450 statue, and so to make a few objects beautiful; but it is far more glorious
27451 to carve and paint the very atmosphere and medium through which we look,
27452 which morally we can do. To affect the quality of the day, that is the
27453 highest of arts. Every man is tasked to make his life, even in its details,
27454 worthy of the contemplation of his most elevated and critical hour.
27455 -- Henry David Thoreau, "Where I Live"
27457 It is sweet to let the mind unbend on occasion.
27458 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
27460 It is the business of little minds to shrink.
27463 It is the business of the future to be dangerous.
27466 It is the nature of extreme self-lovers, as they will
27467 set an house on fire, and it were but to roast their eggs.
27470 It is the quality rather than the quantity that matters.
27471 -- Lucius Annaeus Seneca
27473 It is the wisdom of crocodiles, that shed tears when they would devour.
27476 It is the wise bird who builds his nest in a tree.
27478 It is through symbols that man consciously or unconsciously
27479 lives, works and has his being.
27482 It is true that if your paperboy throws your paper into the bushes for five
27483 straight days it can be explained by Newton's Law of Gravity. But it takes
27484 Murphy's law to explain why it is happening to you.
27486 It is up to us to produce better-quality movies.
27488 producer of "Stuff Stephanie in the Incinerator"
27490 It is very vulgar to talk like a dentist when one isn't a dentist.
27491 It produces a false impression.
27494 It is when I struggle to be brief that I become obscure.
27495 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
27497 It is wise to keep in mind that neither success nor failure is ever final.
27500 It is your concern when your neighbor's wall is on fire.
27501 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
27503 It isn't easy being a Friday kind of person in a Monday kind of world.
27505 It isn't easy being green.
27508 It isn't easy being the parent of a six-year-old. However, it's a pretty
27509 small price to pay for having somebody around the house who understands
27512 It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be
27516 It isn't whether you win or lose, it's how much money you end up with.
27517 -- Jack T. Shakespeare
27519 It just doesn't seem right to go over the river and through the woods
27520 to Grandmother's condo.
27522 It looked like something resembling white marble, which was
27523 probably what it was: something resembling white marble.
27524 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy"
27526 It looks like blind screaming hedonism won out.
27528 It looks like it's up to me to save our skins.
27529 Get into that garbage chute, flyboy!
27530 -- Princess Leia Organa
27532 IT MAKES ME MAD when I go to all the trouble of having Marta cook up about
27533 a hundred drumsticks, then the guy at Marineland says, "You can't throw
27534 that chicken to the dolphins. They eat fish."
27536 Sure they eat fish if that's all you give them! Man, wise up.
27537 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
27539 It [marriage] happens as with cages: the birds without despair
27540 to get in, and those within despair of getting out.
27541 -- Michel Eyquem de Montaigne
27543 It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether *I* win
27547 It may be better to be a live jackal than a dead lion, but it is
27548 better still to be a live lion. And usually easier.
27551 It may be that your whole purpose in life
27552 is simply to serve as a warning to others.
27554 It may or may not be worthwhile, but it still has to be done.
27556 It must be remembered that there is nothing more difficult to plan, more
27557 doubtful of success, nor more dangerous to manage, than the creation of
27558 a new system. For the initiator has the enmity of all who would profit
27559 by the preservation of the old institutions and merely lukewarm defenders
27560 in those who would gain by the new ones.
27561 -- Niccolo Machiavelli, 1513
27563 It must have been some unmarried fool that said "A child can ask questions
27564 that a wise man cannot answer"; because, in any decent house, a brat that
27565 starts asking questions is promptly packed off to bed.
27568 It now costs more to amuse a child than it once did to educate his father.
27570 It occurred to me lately that nothing has occurred to me lately.
27572 It pays in England to be a revolutionary and a bible-smacker most of
27573 one's life and then come round.
27574 -- Lord Alfred Douglas
27576 It pays to be obvious, especially if you have a reputation for subtlety.
27578 It proves what they say, give the public what they want to see and
27579 they'll come out for it.
27580 -- Red Skelton, surveying the funeral of Hollywood mogul
27583 It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones
27584 slept better... while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much
27586 -- Woody Allen, "Side Effects"
27588 It seems a little silly now, but this country
27589 was founded as a protest against taxation.
27591 It seems appropriate to me that Mapplethorpe's perverse images should
27592 be situated so close to Congress, which perpetuates a number of
27593 unnatural acts upon the body politic every day, without benefit of
27594 artificial lubrication or foreplay.
27595 -- Pat Calafia's review of Camille Paglia's
27596 "Sex, Art and American Culture"
27598 It seems intuitively obvious to me, which means that it might be wrong.
27601 It seems that more and more mathematicians are using a new, high level
27602 language named "research student".
27604 It seems to make an auto driver mad if he misses you.
27606 It seems to me that nearly every woman I know wants a man who knows how
27607 to love with authority. Women are simple souls who like simple things,
27608 and one of the simplest is one of the simplest to give. ... Our family
27609 airedale will come clear across the yard for one pat on the head. The
27610 average wife is like that.
27611 -- Episcopal Bishop James Pike
27613 It takes a smart husband to have the last word and not use it.
27615 It takes a special kind of courage to face what we all have to face.
27617 It takes all kinds to fill the freeways.
27620 It takes both a weapon, and two people, to commit a murder.
27622 It takes less time to do a thing right
27623 than it does to explain why you did it wrong.
27626 It takes two to tell the truth: one to speak and one to hear.
27628 It took a while to surface, but it appears that a long-distance credit card
27629 may have saved a U.S. Army unit from heavy casualties during the Grenada
27630 military rescue/invasion. Major General David Nichols, Air Force ... said
27631 the Army unit was in a house surrounded by Cuban forces. One soldier found
27632 a telephone and, using his credit card, called Ft. Bragg, N.C., telling Army
27633 officers there of the perilous situation. The officers in turn called the
27634 Air Force, which sent in gunships to scatter the Cubans and relieve the unit.
27635 -- Aviation Week and Space Technology
27637 It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing,
27638 but I couldn't give it up because by that time I was too famous.
27641 It turned out that the worm exploited three or four different holes in the
27642 system. From this, and the fact that we were able to capture and examine
27643 some of the source code, we realized that we were dealing with someone very
27644 sharp, probably not someone here on campus.
27645 -- Dr. Richard LeBlanc, associate professor of ICS, in
27646 Georgia Tech's campus newspaper after the Internet worm.
27648 It used to be the fun was in
27649 The capture and kill.
27650 In another place and time
27651 I did it all for thrills.
27654 It usually takes more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech.
27657 It was a book to kill time for those who liked it better dead.
27659 It was a brave man that ate the first oyster.
27661 It was a fine, sweet night, the nicest since my divorce, maybe the nicest
27662 since the middle of my marriage. There was energy, softness, grace and
27663 laughter. I even took my socks off. In my circle, that means class.
27664 -- Andrew Bergman "The Big Kiss-off of 1944"
27666 It was a Roman who said it was sweet to die for one's country. The Greeks
27667 never said it was sweet to die for anything. They had no vital lies.
27668 -- Edith Hamilton, "The Greek Way"
27670 It was all so different before everything changed.
27672 It was kinda like stuffing the wrong card in a computer,
27673 when you're stickin' those artificial stimulants in your arm.
27674 -- Dion, noted computer scientist
27676 It was one of those perfect summer days -- the sun was shining, a breeze
27677 was blowing, the birds were singing, and the lawn mower was broken ...
27680 It was one time too many
27682 It was all too much for me and you
27683 There was one way to go
27684 Nothing more we could do
27689 It was Penguin lust... at its ugliest.
27691 It was pity stayed his hand. "Pity I don't have any more bullets,"
27693 -- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings"
27695 It was pleasant to me to get a letter from you the other day. Perhaps
27696 I should have found it pleasanter if I had been able to decipher it. I
27697 don't think that I mastered anything beyond the date (which I knew) and
27698 the signature (which I guessed at). There's a singular and a perpetual
27699 charm in a letter of yours; it never grows old, it never loses its
27700 novelty. Other letters are read and thrown away and forgotten, but
27701 yours are kept forever -- unread. One of them will last a reasonable
27705 It was raining heavily, and the motorist had car trouble on a lonely country
27706 road. Anxious to find shelter for the night, he walked over to a farmhouse
27707 and knocked on the front door. No one responded. He could feel the water
27708 from the roof running down the back of his neck as he stood on the stoop.
27709 The next time he knocked louder, but still no answer. By now he was soaked
27710 to the skin. Desperately he pounded on the door. At last the head of a
27711 man appeared out of an upstairs window.
27712 "What do you want?" he asked gruffly.
27713 "My car broke down," said the traveler, "and I want to know if you
27714 would let me stay here for the night."
27715 "Sure," replied the man. "If you want to stay there all night, it's
27718 It was the Law of the Sea, they said. Civilization ends at the waterline.
27719 Beyond that, we all enter the food chain, and not always right at the top.
27720 -- Hunter S. Thompson
27722 It was wonderful to find America, but it
27723 would have been more wonderful to miss it.
27726 It wasn't exactly a divorce -- I was traded.
27729 It wasn't that she had a rose in her teeth, exactly.
27730 It was more like the rose and the teeth were in the same glass.
27732 It would be nice to be sure of anything
27733 the way some people are of everything.
27735 It would save me a lot of time if you just gave up and went mad now.
27738 Slanted to the right to emphasize key phrases. Unique to
27739 Western alphabets; in Eastern languages, the same phrases
27740 are often slanted to the left.
27742 It'll be a nice world if they ever get it finished.
27744 It'll be just like Beggars Canyon back home.
27747 It's a .88 magnum -- it goes through schools.
27750 It's a brave man who, when things are at their darkest, can kick back
27752 -- Dennis Quaid, "Inner Space"
27754 It's a damn poor mind that can only think of one way to spell a word.
27757 It's a dog-eat-dog world out there, and I'm wearing Milkbone underwear.
27760 It's a naive, domestic operating system without any
27761 breeding, but I think you'll be amused by its presumption.
27763 It's a poor workman who blames his tools.
27765 It's a recession when your neighbor loses his job; it's a depression
27766 when you lose yours.
27769 It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
27772 It's all in the mind, ya know.
27774 It's all right letting yourself go as long as you can let yourself back.
27777 "It's all so painfully empty and lonesome... I don't think I can stand
27778 any more of it... the whole dreadful way we are born, die, and are
27779 never missed. The fact there is *nobody*... nobody really... We come
27780 out of a yawning tomb of flesh and sink back finally into another tomb.
27781 What is the point of it all? Who thought up this sickening circle of
27782 flesh and blood? We come into the world bleeding and cut and our bones
27783 half-crushed only to emerge and suffer more torment, mutilation, and
27784 then at the last lie down in some hole in the ground forever. Who could
27785 have thought it up, I wonder?"
27788 It's always darkest just before the lights go out.
27791 It's amazing how many people you could be friends
27792 with if only they'd make the first approach.
27794 It's amazing how much better you feel once you've given up hope.
27796 It's amazing how much "mature wisdom" resembles being too tired.
27798 It's amazing how nice people are to you when they know you're going away.
27801 It's bad enough that life is a rat-race,
27802 but why do the rats always have to win?
27804 It's better to be quotable than to be honest.
27807 It's better to be wanted for murder that not to be wanted at all.
27810 It's better to burn out than it is to rust.
27812 It's better to burn out than to fade away.
27814 It's better to have loved and lost -- much better.
27816 It's business doing pleasure with you.
27818 It's clever, but is it art?
27820 It's difficult to see the picture when you are inside the frame.
27822 "It's easier said than done."
27824 ... and if you don't believe it, try proving that it's easier done than
27825 said, and you'll see that "it's easier said that `it's easier done than
27826 said' than it is done", which really proves that "it's easier said than
27829 It's easier to be a liberal a long way from home.
27832 It's easier to get forgiveness for being
27833 wrong than forgiveness for being right.
27835 It's easier to take it apart than to put it back together.
27838 It's easy to forgive someone for being wrong;
27839 it's much harder to forgive them for being right.
27841 It's easy to make a friend. What's hard is to make a stranger.
27843 It's fabulous! We haven't seen anything like it in the last half an hour!
27846 Its failings notwithstanding, there is much to be said in favor of journalism
27847 in that by giving us the opinion of the uneducated, it keeps us in touch with
27848 the ignorance of the community.
27851 It's faster horses,
27855 -- Tom T. Hall, "The Secret of Life"
27857 It's from Casablanca. I've been waiting all my life to use that line.
27858 -- Woody Allen, "Play It Again, Sam"
27860 It's getting uncommonly easy to kill people in large numbers, and the
27861 first thing a principle does -- if it really is a principle -- is to
27865 It's gonna be alright,
27866 It's almost midnight,
27867 And I've got two more bottles of wine.
27869 It's hard not to like a man of many qualities,
27870 even if most of them are bad.
27872 It's hard to argue that God hated Oklahoma.
27873 If He didn't, why is it so close to Texas?
27875 It's hard to be humble when you're perfect.
27877 It's hard to drive at the limit, but
27878 it's harder to know where the limits are.
27881 It's hard to get ivory in Africa, but in Alabama the Tuscaloosa.
27884 It's hard to keep your shirt on when
27885 you're getting something off your chest.
27887 It's hard to outrun dead people because they don't have to breathe.
27888 -- Hokey, describing "Night of the Living Dead"
27890 It's hard to think of you as the end
27891 result of millions of years of evolution.
27893 It's important that people know what you stand for.
27894 It's more important that they know what you won't stand for.
27896 It's interesting to think that many quite
27897 distinguished people have bodies similar to yours.
27899 It's is not, it isn't ain't, and it's it's, not its, if you mean it is.
27900 If you don't, it's its. Then too, it's hers. It isn't her's. It isn't
27901 our's either. It's ours, and likewise yours and theirs.
27902 -- Oxford University Press, "Edpress News"
27904 It's just apartment house rules,
27905 So all you 'partment house fools
27906 Remember: one man's ceiling is another man's floor.
27907 One man's ceiling is another man's floor.
27908 -- Paul Simon, "One Man's Ceiling Is Another Man's Floor"
27910 It's later than you think.
27912 It's later than you think, the joint
27913 Russian-American space mission has already begun.
27915 It's like deja vu all over again.
27922 and even the teddy bears
27925 It's lucky you're going so slowly, because
27926 you're going in the wrong direction.
27928 It's multiple choice time...
27932 a: Between thre and fiv tran.
27933 b: What two computers engage in before they interface.
27936 Its name is Public Opinion. It is held in reverence.
27937 It settles everything. Some think it is the voice of God.
27940 It's never too late to have a happy childhood.
27942 It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding
27943 a sickness you like.
27946 It's no use crying over spilt milk -- it only makes it salty for the cat.
27948 It's not against any religion to want to dispose of a pigeon.
27951 It's not an optical illusion, it just looks like one.
27954 It's not Camelot, but it's not Cleveland, either.
27955 -- Kevin White, Mayor of Boston
27957 It's not easy being green.
27960 It's not enough to be Hungarian; you must have talent too.
27963 It's not hard to admit errors that are [only] cosmetically wrong.
27966 It's not reality that's important, but how you perceive things.
27968 It's not that I'm afraid to die.
27969 I just don't want to be there when it happens.
27972 It's not the fall that kills you, it's the landing.
27974 It's not the men in my life, but the life in my men that counts.
27977 It's not whether you win or lose but how you look playing the game.
27979 It's not whether you win or lose but how you played the game.
27982 It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you look playing the game.
27984 It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you place the blame.
27986 It's odd, and a little unsettling, to reflect upon the fact that English is
27987 the only major language in which "I" is capitalized; in many other languages
27988 "You" is capitalized and the "i" is lower case.
27989 -- Sydney J. Harris
27991 It's only by NOT taking the human race seriously that I retain
27992 what fragments of my once considerable mental powers I still possess.
27995 It's our fault. We should have given him better parts.
27996 -- Jack Warner, on hearing that Reagan had been
27997 elected governor of California.
27999 [Warner is also reported to have said, when told of Reagan's candidacy
28000 for governor, "No, Jimmy Stewart for Governor; Reagan for best friend."]
28002 It's possible that the whole purpose of your life is to serve
28003 as a warning to others.
28005 It's pretty hard to tell what does bring happiness;
28006 poverty and wealth have both failed.
28009 It's really quite a simple choice: Life, Death, or Los Angeles.
28011 It's reassuring to know that if you behave strangely enough,
28012 society will take full responsibility for you.
28014 It's recently come to Fortune's attention that scientists have stopped
28015 using laboratory rats in favor of attorneys. Seems that there are not
28016 only more of them, but you don't get so emotionally attached. The only
28017 difficulty is that it's sometimes difficult to apply the experimental
28020 [Also, there are some things even a rat won't do. Ed.]
28022 It's so beautifully arranged on the plate -- you know someone's fingers
28023 have been all over it.
28024 -- Julia Child on nouvelle cuisine.
28026 It's so confusing choosing sides in the heat of the moment,
28027 just to see if it's real,
28028 Oooh, it's so erotic having you tell me how it should feel,
28029 But I'm avoiding all the hard cold facts that I got to face,
28030 So ask me just one question when this magic night is through,
28031 Could it have been just anyone or did it have to be you?
28032 -- Billy Joel, "Glass Houses"
28034 It's so stupid of modern civilization to have given up believing in the
28035 Devil when he is the only explanation for it.
28037 It's sweet to be remembered, but it's often cheaper to be forgotten.
28039 It's ten o'clock; do you know where your processes are?
28041 It's the good girls who keep the diaries, the bad girls never have the time.
28042 -- Tallulah Bankhead
28044 It's the opinion of some that crops could be grown on the moon. Which raises
28045 the fear that it may not be long before we're paying somebody not to.
28046 -- Franklin P. Jones
28048 It's the same old story; boy meets beer, boy drinks beer...
28049 boy gets another beer.
28052 "It's today!" said Piglet.
28053 "My favorite day," said Pooh.
28055 It's useless to try to hold some people to anything they say while they're
28056 madly in love, drunk, or running for office.
28058 It's very glamorous to raise millions of dollars, until it's time for the
28059 venture capitalist to suck your eyeballs out.
28060 -- Peter Kennedy, chairman of Kraft & Kennedy.
28062 It's very inconvenient to be mortal -- you never
28063 know when everything may suddenly stop happening.
28065 IV. The time required for an object to fall twenty stories is greater than or
28066 equal to the time it takes for whoever knocked it off the ledge to
28067 spiral down twenty flights to attempt to capture it unbroken.
28068 Such an object is inevitably priceless, the attempt to capture it
28069 inevitably unsuccessful.
28070 V. All principles of gravity are negated by fear.
28071 Psychic forces are sufficient in most bodies for a shock to propel
28072 them directly away from the earth's surface. A spooky noise or an
28073 adversary's signature sound will induce motion upward, usually to
28074 the cradle of a chandelier, a treetop, or the crest of a flagpole.
28075 The feet of a character who is running or the wheels of a speeding
28076 auto need never touch the ground, especially when in flight.
28077 VI. As speed increases, objects can be in several places at once.
28078 This is particularly true of tooth-and-claw fights, in which a
28079 character's head may be glimpsed emerging from the cloud of
28080 altercation at several places simultaneously. This effect is common
28081 as well among bodies that are spinning or being throttled. A "wacky"
28082 character has the option of self-replication only at manic high
28083 speeds and may ricochet off walls to achieve the velocity required.
28084 -- Esquire, "O'Donnell's Laws of Cartoon Motion", June 1980
28086 I've already told you more than I know.
28088 I've always considered statesmen to be more expendable than soldiers.
28090 I've always felt sorry for people that don't drink -- remember,
28091 when they wake up, that's as good as they're gonna feel all day!
28093 I've always made it a solemn practice to never
28094 drink anything stronger than tequila before breakfast.
28097 I've been in more laps than a napkin.
28102 I've been on a diet for two weeks and all I've lost is two weeks.
28105 I've been on this lonely road so long,
28106 Does anybody know where it goes,
28107 I remember last time the signs pointed home,
28109 -- Carpenters, "Road Ode"
28113 I've built a better model than the one at Data General
28114 For data bases vegetable, animal, and mineral
28115 My OS handles CPUs with multiplexed duality;
28116 My PL/1 compiler shows impressive functionality.
28117 My storage system's better than magnetic core polarity,
28118 You never have to bother checking out a bit for parity;
28119 There isn't any reason to install non-static floor matting;
28120 My disk drive has capacity for variable formatting.
28122 I feel compelled to mention what I know to be a gloating point:
28123 There's lots of room in memory for variables floating-point,
28124 Which shows for input vegetable, animal, and mineral
28125 I've built a better model than the one at Data General.
28127 -- Steve Levine, "A Computer Song", (To the tune of
28128 "Modern Major General")
28130 I've finally learned what "upward compatible" means.
28131 It means we get to keep all our old mistakes.
28132 -- Dennie van Tassel
28134 I've given up reading books; I find it takes my mind off myself.
28136 I've got a very bad feeling about this.
28139 I've got all the money I'll ever need if I die by 4 o'clock.
28142 I've got some powdered water, but I don't know what to add.
28145 I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.
28148 I've had one child. My husband wants to have another.
28149 I'd like to watch him have another.
28151 I've looked at the listing, and it's right!
28154 I've never been canoeing before, but I imagine there must
28155 be just a few simple heuristics you have to remember...
28157 Yes, don't fall out, and don't hit rocks.
28159 I've never been drunk, but often I've been overserved.
28162 I've never been hurt by anything I didn't say.
28165 I've never had a problem with drugs; I've had problems with the police.
28168 I never turn blue in anyone's bathroom. I think that's the height of
28172 I've never struck a woman in my life, not even my own mother.
28175 I've noticed several design suggestions in your code.
28177 I've only got 12 cards.
28179 I've spent almost all of my life with highly intelligent men. They're not
28180 like other men. Their spirit is great and stimulating. They hate strife;
28181 indeed they reject it. Their inventive gifts are boundless. They demand
28182 devotion and obedience. And a sense of humor. I happily gave all of this.
28183 I was lucky to be chosen and clever enough to understand them.
28184 -- Marlene Dietrich, on her friendship with Ernest Hemingway
28186 I've tried several varieties of sex. The conventional position makes
28187 me claustrophobic, and the others either give me a stiff neck or lockjaw.
28188 -- Tallulah Bankhead
28190 Jacquin's Postulate on Democratic Government:
28191 No man's life, liberty, or property are safe while the
28192 legislature is in session.
28196 shy ones, the bold paul scorns all
28197 ones; the meek the girls(the
28198 proud sloppy sleek) bright ones, the dim
28199 all except the cold ones; the slim
28200 ones plump tiny tall)
28205 warped ones, the lamed mike likes all the girls
28207 moronic maimed) fat ones, the lean
28208 all except ones; the mean
28209 the dead ones kind dirty clean)
28211 except the green ones
28214 James McNeill Whistler's (painter of "Whistler's Mother") failure in his
28215 West Point chemistry examination once provoked him to remark in later life,
28216 "If silicon had been a gas, I should have been a major general."
28218 Jane and I got mixed up with a television show -- or as we call it back
28219 east here: TV -- a clever contraction derived from the words Terrible
28220 Vaudeville. However, it is our latest medium -- we call it a medium
28221 because nothing's well done. It was discovered, I suppose you've heard,
28222 by a man named Fulton Berle, and it has already revolutionized social
28223 grace by cutting down parlour conversation to two sentences: "What's on
28224 television?" and "Good night".
28225 -- Goodman Ace, letter to Groucho Marx, in The Groucho
28229 A fictional place where elves, gnomes and economic imperialists
28230 create electronic equipment and computers using black magic. It
28231 is said that in the capital city of Akihabara, the streets are
28232 paved with gold and semiconductor chips grow on low bushes from
28233 which they are harvested by the happy natives.
28235 Jealousy is all the fun you think they have.
28240 Jim, it's Grace at the bank. I checked your Christmas Club account.
28241 You don't have five-hundred dollars. You have fifty. Sorry, computer foul-up!
28243 Jim, it's Jack. I'm at the airport. I'm going to Tokyo and wanna pay
28244 you the five-hundred I owe you. Catch you next year when I get back!
28247 In a large locker room with hundreds of lockers, the few people
28248 using the facility at any one time will all have lockers next to
28249 each other so that everybody is cramped.
28251 Jim, this is Janelle. I'm flying tonight, so I can't make our date, and
28252 I gotta find a safe place for Daffy. He loves you, Jim! It's only two
28253 days, and you'll see. Great Danes are no problem!
28255 Jim, this is Matty down at Ralph's and Mark's. Some guy named Angel
28256 Martin just ran up a fifty buck bar tab. And now he wants to charge it
28257 to you. You gonna pay it?
28260 The excruciating process during which personnel officers
28261 separate the wheat from the chaff -- then hire the chaff.
28264 Telling your boss what he can do with your job.
28266 Joe Cool always spends the first two weeks at college sailing his frisbee.
28269 Joe sat as his dying wife's bedside.
28270 Her voice was little more than a whisper.
28271 "Joe, darling," she breathed, "I've got a confession to make
28272 before I go. I ... I'm the one who took the $10,000 from your safe...
28273 I spent it on a fling with your best friend, Charles. And it was I who
28274 forced your mistress to leave the city. And I am the one who reported
28275 your income-tax evasion to the I.R.S..."
28276 "That's all right, dearest, don't give it a second thought,"
28277 whispered Joe. "I'm the one who poisoned you."
28279 Joe's sister puts spaghetti in her shoes!
28282 An odd sort of person with a thing for pain.
28284 John Dame May Oscar
28285 Was Gay Was Whitty Was Wilde
28286 But Gerard Hopkins But John Greenleaf But Thornton
28287 Was Manley Was Whittier Was Wilder
28290 John Birch Society:
28291 That pathetic manifestation of organized apoplexy.
28292 -- Edward P. Morgan
28294 JOHN PAUL ELECTED POPE!!
28296 (George and Ringo miffed.)
28298 John the Baptist after poisoning a thief,
28299 Looks up at his hero, the Commander-in-Chief,
28300 Saying tell me great leader, but please make it brief
28301 Is there a hole for me to get sick in?
28302 The Commander-in-Chief answers him while chasing a fly,
28303 Saying death to all those who would whimper and cry.
28304 And dropping a barbell he points to the sky,
28305 Saying the sun is not yellow, it's chicken.
28306 -- Bob Dylan, "Tombstone Blues"
28308 Johnny Carson's Definition:
28309 The smallest interval of time known to man is that which occurs
28310 in Manhattan between the traffic signal turning green and the
28311 taxi driver behind you blowing his horn.
28313 Johnson's First Law:
28314 When any mechanical contrivance fails, it will do so at the
28315 most inconvenient possible time.
28318 Systems resemble the organizations that create them.
28320 Join in the new game that's sweeping the country. It's called "Bureaucracy".
28321 Everybody stands in a circle. The first person to do anything loses.
28323 Join the army, see the world, meet interesting,
28324 exciting people, and kill them.
28326 Join the Navy; sail to far-off exotic lands,
28327 meet exciting interesting people, and kill them.
28330 Anyone who makes a significant contribution to any field of
28331 endeavor, and stays in that field long enough, becomes an
28332 obstruction to its progress -- in direct proportion to the
28333 importance of their original contribution.
28336 The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone
28339 Joshu: What is the true Way?
28340 Nansen: Every way is the true Way.
28342 N: The more you study, the further from the Way.
28343 J: If I don't study it, how can I know it?
28344 N: The Way does not belong to things seen: nor to things unseen.
28345 It does not belong to things known: nor to things unknown. Do
28346 not seek it, study it, or name it. To find yourself on it, open
28347 yourself as wide as the sky.
28349 Journalism is literature in a hurry.
28352 Journalism will kill you, but it will keep you alive while you're at it.
28354 Juall's Law on Nice Guys:
28355 Nice guys don't always finish last; sometimes they don't finish.
28356 Sometimes they don't even get a chance to start!
28358 Judges, as a class, display, in the matter of arranging alimony, that
28359 reckless generosity which is found only in men who are giving away
28360 someone else's cash.
28361 -- P.G. Wodehouse, "Louder and Funnier"
28363 Just a few of the perfect excuses for having some strawberry shortcake.
28366 1: It's less calories than two pieces of strawberry shortcake.
28367 2: It's cheaper than going to France.
28368 3: It neutralizes the brownies I had yesterday.
28370 5: It's somebody's birthday. I don't want them to celebrate alone.
28371 6: It matches my eyes.
28372 7: Whoever said, "Let them eat cake." must have been talking to me.
28373 8: To punish myself for eating dessert yesterday.
28374 9: Compensation for all the time I spend in the shower not eating.
28375 10: Strawberry shortcake is evil. I must help rid the world of it.
28376 11: I'm getting weak from eating all that healthy stuff.
28377 12: It's the second anniversary of the night I ate plain broccoli.
28379 Just a song before I go, Going through security
28380 To whom it may concern, I held her for so long.
28381 Traveling twice the speed of sound She finally looked at me in love,
28382 It's easy to get burned. And she was gone.
28383 When the shows were over Just a song before I go,
28384 We had to get back home, A lesson to be learned.
28385 And when we opened up the door Traveling twice the speed of sound
28386 I had to be alone. It's easy to get burned.
28387 She helped me with my suitcase,
28388 She stands before my eyes,
28389 Driving me to the airport
28390 And to the friendly skies.
28391 -- Crosby, Stills, Nash, "Just a Song Before I Go"
28393 Just as I cannot remember any time when I could not read and write, I cannot
28394 remember any time when I did not exercise my imagination in daydreams about
28398 Just as most issues are seldom black or white, so are most good solutions
28399 seldom black or white. Beware of the solution that requires one side to be
28400 totally the loser and the other side to be totally the winner. The reason
28401 there are two sides to begin with usually is because neither side has all
28402 the facts. Therefore, when the wise mediator effects a compromise, he is
28403 not acting from political motivation. Rather, he is acting from a deep
28404 sense of respect for the whole truth.
28405 -- Stephen R. Schwambach
28407 Just because everything is different doesn't mean anything has changed.
28410 Just because he's dead is no reason to lay off work.
28412 Just because I turn down a contract on a guy doesn't mean he isn't
28416 Just because the message may never be
28417 received does not mean it is not worth sending.
28419 Just because they are called 'forbidden' transitions does not mean that they
28420 are forbidden. They are less allowed than allowed transitions, if you see
28422 -- From a Part 2 Quantum Mechanics lecture.
28424 Just because you like my stuff doesn't mean I owe you anything.
28427 Just because your doctor has a name for your
28428 condition doesn't mean he knows what it is.
28430 Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they AREN'T after you.
28432 Just close your eyes, tap your heels together three times,
28433 and think to yourself, `There's no place like home.'
28436 Just give Alice some pencils and she will stay busy for hours.
28438 Just how difficult it is to write biography can be reckoned by anybody
28439 who sits down and considers just how many people know the real truth
28440 about his or her love affairs.
28443 Just machines to make big decisions,
28444 Programmed by men for compassion and vision,
28445 We'll be clean when their work is done,
28446 We'll be eternally free, yes, eternally young,
28447 What a beautiful world this will be,
28448 What a glorious time to be free.
28449 -- Donald Fagon, "What A Beautiful World"
28451 Just once, I wish we would encounter
28452 an alien menace that wasn't immune to bullets.
28453 -- The Brigader, "Dr. Who"
28455 Just remember, wherever you go, there you are.
28458 `Just the place for a Snark!' the Bellman cried,
28459 As he landed his crew with care;
28460 Supporting each man on the top of the tide
28461 By a finger entwined in his hair.
28463 `Just the place for a Snark! I have said it twice:
28464 That alone should encourage the crew.
28465 Just the place for a Snark! I have said it thrice:
28466 What I tell you three times is true.'
28468 Just to have it is enough.
28470 Just weigh your own hurt against the hurt
28471 of all the others, and then do what's best.
28472 -- Lovers and Other Strangers
28474 Just what does "it" mean in the sentence, "What time is it?"
28476 Just yesterday morning, they let me know you were gone,
28477 Suzanne, the plans they made put an end to you,
28478 I went out this morning and I wrote down this song,
28479 Just can't remember who to send it to...
28481 Oh, I've seen fire and I've seen rain,
28482 I've seen sunny days that I thought would never end,
28483 I've seen lonely times when I could not find a friend,
28484 But I always thought that I'd see you again.
28485 Thought I'd see you one more time again.
28486 -- James Taylor, "Fire and Rain"
28489 A decision in your favor.
28491 Justice is incidental to law and order.
28495 A decision in your favor.
28498 In the fight between you and the world, back the world.
28499 -- Franz Kafka, "RS's 1974 Expectation of Days"
28501 Kamikazes do it once.
28504 Where the men are men and so are the women!
28506 Karlson's Theorem of Snack Food Packages:
28508 For all P, where P is a package of snack food, P is a SINGLE-SERVING
28509 package of snack food.
28511 Gibson the Cat's Corrolary:
28513 For all L, where L is a package of lunch meat, L is Gibson's package
28516 Kath: Can he be present at the birth of his child?
28517 Ed: It's all any reasonable child can expect if the dad is present
28519 -- Joe Orton, "Entertaining Mr. Sloane"
28522 Men and nations will act rationally when
28523 all other possibilities have been exhausted.
28525 History teaches us that men and nations behave wisely once they have
28526 exhausted all other alternatives.
28529 Kaufman's First Law of Party Physics:
28530 Population density is inversely proportional
28531 to the square of the distance from the keg.
28534 A policy is a restrictive document to prevent a recurrence
28535 of a single incident, in which that incident is never mentioned.
28537 Keep a diary and one day it'll keep you.
28540 Keep America beautiful. Swallow your beer cans.
28542 Keep ancient lands, your storied pomp! cries she
28543 With silent lips. Give me your tired, your poor,
28544 Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,
28545 The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.
28546 Send these, the homeless, tempest-tossed to me...
28547 -- Emma Lazarus, "The New Colossus"
28549 Keep cool, but don't freeze.
28550 -- Hellman's Mayonnaise
28552 Keep emotionally active. Cater to your favorite neurosis.
28554 Keep grandma off the streets -- legalize bingo.
28556 Keep in mind always the four constant Laws of Frisbee:
28557 1) The most powerful force in the world is that of a disc
28558 straining to land under a car, just out of reach (this
28559 force is technically termed "car suck").
28560 2) Never precede any maneuver by a comment more predictive
28562 3) The probability of a Frisbee hitting something is directly
28563 proportional to the cost of hitting it. For instance, a
28564 Frisbee will always head directly towards a policeman or
28565 a little old lady rather than the beat up Chevy.
28566 4) Your best throw happens when no one is watching; when the
28567 cute girl you've been trying to impress is watching, the
28568 Frisbee will invariably bounce out of your hand or hit you
28569 in the head and knock you silly.
28571 Keep it short for pithy sake.
28573 Keep on keepin' on.
28575 Keep patting your enemy on the back until a
28576 small bullet hole appears between your fingers.
28579 Keep the number of passes in a compiler to a minimum.
28582 Keep the phase, baby.
28584 Keep up the good work! But please don't ask me to help.
28586 Keep women you cannot. Marry them and they come to hate the way
28587 you walk across the room; remain their lover, and they jilt you
28588 at the end of six months.
28591 Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back.
28593 Keep your Eye on the Ball,
28594 Your Shoulder to the Wheel,
28595 Your Nose to the Grindstone,
28596 Your Feet on the Ground,
28597 Your Head on your Shoulders.
28598 Now... try to get something DONE!
28600 Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.
28601 -- Benjamin Franklin
28603 Keep your laws off my body!
28605 Keep your mouth shut and people will think you stupid;
28606 Open it and you remove all doubt.
28608 Kennedy's Market Theorem:
28609 Given enough inside information and unlimited credit,
28610 you've got to go broke.
28613 Look for it first where you'd most like to find it.
28616 1. To pack type together as tightly as the kernels on an ear
28617 of corn. 2. In parts of Brooklyn and Queens, N.Y., a small,
28618 metal object used as part of the monetary system.
28621 A part of an operating system that preserves the medieval
28622 traditions of sorcery and black art.
28624 Kettering's Observation:
28625 Logic is an organized way of going wrong with confidence.
28627 Kids always brighten up a house; mostly by leaving the lights on.
28629 Kids have *never* taken guidance from their parents. If you could travel
28630 back in time and observe the original primate family in the original tree,
28631 you would see the primate parents yelling at the primate teenager for sitting
28632 around and sulking all day instead of hunting for grubs and berries like
28633 dad primate. Then you'd see the primate teenager stomp up to his branch
28634 and slam the leaves.
28637 Kill a commy for your mommy.
28639 Kill 'em all, and let God sort 'em out.
28641 Kill for the love of killing! Kill for the love of Kali!
28646 Murder, Maim, and Mutilate!
28651 Killing turkeys causes winter.
28655 Kime's Law for the Reward of Meekness:
28656 Turning the other cheek merely ensures two bruised cheeks.
28659 An affliction of the blood.
28661 Kindness is a language which the deaf can hear and the blind can read.
28664 Kindness is the beginning of cruelty.
28667 Kington's Law of Perforation:
28668 If a straight line of holes is made in a piece of paper, such
28669 as a sheet of stamps or a check, that line becomes the strongest
28672 Kinkler's First Law:
28673 Responsibility always exceeds authority.
28675 Kinkler's Second Law:
28676 All the easy problems have been solved.
28678 Kirk to Enterprise...
28680 Kirk to Enterprise -- beam down yeoman Rand and a six-pack.
28682 Kiss a non-smoker; taste the difference.
28684 Kiss me, Kate, we will be married o' Sunday.
28685 -- William Shakespeare, "The Taming of the Shrew"
28687 Kiss me twice. I'm schizophrenic.
28689 Kiss your keyboard goodbye!
28691 Kissing a fish is like smoking a bicycle.
28693 Kissing a smoker is like licking an ashtray.
28695 Kissing don't last, cookery do.
28698 Kissing your hand may make you feel very good, but a diamond and
28699 sapphire bracelet lasts for ever.
28700 -- Anita Loos, "Gentlemen Prefer Blondes"
28702 Kitchen activity is highlighted.
28703 Butter up a friend.
28705 Kites rise highest against the wind -- not with it.
28706 -- Winston Churchill
28708 Klatu barada nikto.
28710 Kleeneness is next to Godelness.
28712 Klein bottle for rent -- inquire within.
28717 Kliban's First Law of Dining:
28718 Never eat anything bigger than your head.
28720 Klingon phaser attack from front!!!!!
28721 100% Damage to life support!!!!
28724 An ill-assorted collection of poorly-matching parts, forming a
28726 -- Jackson Granholm, "Datamation"
28729 It is now proved beyond doubt that smoking is one of the leading
28730 causes of statistics.
28732 Knights are hardly worth it.
28733 I mean, all that shell and so little meat...
28739 Sam and Janet Evening...
28741 Knock Knock... (who's there?) Ether! (ether who?) Eather Bunny... Yea!
28744 Stay on the Happy side, always on the happy side,
28745 Stay on the Happy side of life!
28746 Bum bum bum bum bum bum
28747 You will feel no pain, as we drive you insane,
28748 So Stay on the Happy Side of life!
28750 Knock Knock... (who's there?) Anna! (anna who?)
28751 An another eather bunny... [chorus]
28752 Knock Knock... (who's there?) Stilla! (stilla who?)
28753 Still another ether bunny... [chorus]
28754 Knock Knock... (who's there?) Yetta! (yetta who?)
28755 Yet another ether bunny... [chorus]
28756 Knock Knock... (who's there?) Cargo! (cargo who?)
28757 Cargo beep beep and run over eather bunny... [chorus]
28758 Knock Knock... (who's there?) Boo! (boo who?)
28759 Don't Cry! Eather bunny be back next year! [chorus]
28761 Knocked, you weren't in.
28764 Know how to save 5 drowning lawyers?
28772 Know thyself. If you need help, call the C.I.A.
28774 Know what I hate most? Rhetorical questions.
28778 Things you believe.
28780 Knowledge is power.
28783 Knowledge is power -- knowledge shared is power lost.
28784 -- Aleister Crowley
28786 Knowledge without common sense is folly.
28788 Knucklehead: "Knock, knock"
28789 Pee Wee: "Who's there?"
28790 Knucklehead: "Little ol' lady."
28791 Pee Wee: "Liddle ol' lady who?"
28792 Knucklehead: "I didn't know you could yodel"
28795 You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the tracks.
28798 You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the track.
28801 (chemical symbol: Kr) The metallic silver coating found
28802 on fast-food game cards.
28803 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
28806 Where the only way to determine that the seasons have changed
28807 is to note that people have changed the main topic of conversation.
28808 From mud slides to brush fires.
28811 One of the processes whereby A acquires property for B.
28814 Lack of capability is usually disguised by lack of interest.
28816 Lack of money is the root of all evil.
28817 -- George Bernard Shaw
28822 3. Never volunteer for anything.
28825 Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk carton so badly that
28826 one has to resort to using the "illegal" side.
28827 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
28829 La-dee-dee, la-dee-dah.
28831 Ladies and Gentlemen, Hobos and Tramps,
28832 Cross-eyed mosquitos and bowlegged ants,
28833 I come before you to stand behind you
28834 To tell you of something I know nothing about.
28835 Next Thursday (which is good Friday),
28836 There will be a convention held in the
28837 Women's Club which is strictly for Men.
28838 Admission is free, pay at the door,
28839 Pull up a chair, and sit on the floor.
28840 It was a summer's day in winter,
28841 And the snow was raining fast,
28842 As a barefoot boy with shoes on,
28843 Stood sitting in the grass.
28844 Oh, that bright day in the dead of night,
28845 Two dead men got up to fight.
28846 Three blind men to see fair play,
28847 Forty mutes to yell "Hooray"!
28848 Back to back, they faced each other,
28849 Drew their swords and shot each other.
28850 A deaf policeman heard the noise,
28851 Came and arrested those two dead boys.
28853 Ladies, here's a hint: If you're playing against a friend who has big
28854 boobs, bring her to the net and make her hit backhand volleys. That's
28855 the hardest shot for the well endowed. "I've got to hit over them or
28856 under them, but I can't hit through," Annie Jones used to always moan
28857 to me. Not having much in my bra, I found it hard to sympathize with
28859 -- Billie Jean King
28861 Lady, lady, should you meet
28862 One whose ways are all discreet,
28863 One who murmurs that his wife
28864 Is the lodestar of his life,
28865 One who keeps assuring you
28866 That he never was untrue,
28867 Never loved another one...
28868 Lady, lady, better run!
28869 -- Dorothy Parker, "Social Note"
28871 Lady Luck brings added income today.
28872 Lady friend takes it away tonight.
28875 "Winston, if you were my husband, I'd put poison in your coffee."
28877 "Nancy, if you were my wife, I'd drink it."
28879 Lady Astor was giving a costume ball and Winston Churchill asked her what
28880 disguise she would recommend for him. She replied, "Why don't you come
28881 sober, Mr. Prime Minister?"
28883 During a visit to America, Winston Churchill was invited to a buffet
28884 luncheon at which cold fried chicken was served. Returning for a second
28885 helping, he asked politely, "May I have some breast?"
28886 "Mr. Churchill," replied the hostess, "in this country we ask for
28887 white meat or dark meat." Churchill apologized profusely.
28888 The following morning, the lady received a magnificent orchid from
28889 her guest of honor. The accompanying card read: "I would be most obliged if
28890 you would pin this on your white meat."
28893 Look to your stern!
28894 Your house is on fire,
28895 Your children will burn!
28896 So jump ye and sing, for
28897 The very first time
28898 The four lines above
28899 Have been put into rhyme.
28902 Laetrile is the pits.
28904 Laissez Faire Economics is the theory that if
28905 each acts like a vulture, all will end as doves.
28907 Lake Erie died for your sins.
28909 ((lambda (foo) (bar foo)) (baz))
28911 Lamonte Cranston once hired a new Chinese manservant. While describing his
28912 duties to the new man, Lamonte pointed to a bowl of candy on the coffee
28913 table and warned him that he was not to take any. Some days later, the new
28914 manservant was cleaning up, with no one at home, and decided to sample some
28915 of the candy. Just than, Cranston walked in, spied the manservant at the
28917 "Pardon me Choy, is that the Shadow's nugate you chew?"
28919 Language is a virus from another planet.
28920 -- William Burroughs
28922 Lank: Here we go. We're about to set a new record.
28923 Earl: (to the crowd) How about a date?
28924 Lank: We've done it. Earl has set a new record. Turned down by
28928 Lansdale seized on the idea of using Nixon to build support for the
28929 [Vietnamese] elections ... really honest elections, this time. "Oh, sure,
28930 honest, yes, that's right," Nixon said, "so long as you win!" With that
28931 he winked, drove his elbow into Lansdale's arm and slapped his own knee.
28932 -- Richard Nixon, quoted in "Sideshow" by W. Shawcross
28934 Large increases in cost with questionable increases in
28935 performance can be tolerated only in race horses and women.
28938 Largest Number of Driving Test Failures
28939 By April 1970 Mrs. Miriam Hargrave had failed her test thirty-nine
28940 times. In the eight preceding years she had received two hundred and
28941 twelve driving lessons at a cost of L300. She set the new record while
28942 driving triumphantly through a set of red traffic lights in Wakefield,
28943 Yorkshire. Disappointingly, she passed at the fortieth attempt (3 August
28944 1970) but eight years later she showed some of her old magic when she was
28945 reported as saying that she still didn't like doing right-hand turns.
28946 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
28949 All laws are basically false.
28954 Last guys don't finish nice.
28955 -- Stanley Kelley, on the cult of victory at all costs
28957 Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up
28958 the pillow was gone.
28961 Last night I met upon the stair
28962 A little man who wasn't there.
28963 He wasn't there again today.
28964 Gee how I wish he'd go away!
28966 Last night the power went out. Good thing my camera had a flash....
28967 The neighbors thought it was lightning in my house, so they called the cops.
28970 Last week a cop stopped me in my car. He asked me if I had a police record.
28971 I said, no, but I have the new DEVO album. Cops have no sense of humor.
28973 Last week's pet, this week's special.
28975 Last year we drove across the country... We switched on the driving...
28976 every half mile. We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip.
28977 I don't remember what it was.
28980 Latin is a language,
28982 First it killed the Romans,
28983 And now it's killing me.
28985 Laugh, and the world ignores you. Crying doesn't help either.
28987 Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone.
28989 Laugh and the world thinks you're an idiot.
28991 Laugh at your problems: everybody else does.
28993 Laugh when you can; cry when you must.
28995 Laughing at you is like drop kicking a wounded humming bird.
28997 Laughter is the closest distance between two people.
29001 No child throws up in the bathroom.
29003 Lavish spending can be disastrous.
29004 Don't buy any lavishes for a while.
29006 Law enforcement officers should use only the minimum
29007 force necessary in dealing with disorders when they arise.
29008 -- Richard M. Nixon
29010 Law of Communications:
29011 The inevitable result of improved and enlarged communications
29012 between different levels in a hierarchy is a vastly increased
29013 area of misunderstanding.
29016 Experiments should be reproducible.
29017 They should all fail the same way.
29019 Law of Probable Dispersal:
29020 Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
29022 Law of Procrastination:
29023 Procrastination avoids boredom; one never has
29024 the feeling that there is nothing important to do.
29026 Law of Selective Gravity:
29027 An object will fall so as to do the most damage.
29029 Jenning's Corollary:
29030 The chance of the bread falling with the buttered side
29031 down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.
29033 Law of the Perversity of Nature:
29034 You cannot determine beforehand which side of the bread to butter.
29037 He who hesitates is lunch.
29040 Only the lead dog gets a change of scenery.
29042 Law stands mute in the midst of arms.
29043 -- Marcus Tullius Cicero
29045 Lawful Dungeon Master -- and they're MY laws!
29047 Lawrence Radiation Laboratory keeps all its data in an old gray trunk.
29049 Laws are like sausages. It's better not to see them being made.
29050 -- Otto von Bismarck
29052 Laws of Computer Programming:
29053 1. Any given program, when running, is obsolete.
29054 2. Any given program costs more and takes longer.
29055 3. If a program is useful, it will have to be changed.
29056 4. If a program is useless, it will have to be documented.
29057 5. Any given program will expand to fill all available memory.
29058 6. The value of a program is proportional the weight of its output.
29059 7. Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capability of
29060 the programmer who must maintain it.
29063 A machine which you go into as a pig and come out as a sausage.
29067 When the law is against you, argue the facts.
29068 When the facts are against you, argue the law.
29069 When both are against you, call the other lawyer names.
29071 Lay off the muses, it's a very tough dollar.
29074 Lay on, MacDuff, and curs'd be him who first cries, "Hold, enough!".
29077 Lays eggs inside a paper bag;
29078 The reason, you will see, no doubt,
29079 Is to keep the lightning out.
29080 But what these unobservant birds
29081 Have failed to notice is that herds
29082 Of bears may come with buns
29083 And steal the bags to hold the crumbs.
29085 Lazlo's Chinese Relativity Axiom:
29086 No matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your defeats --
29087 approximately one billion Chinese couldn't care less.
29090 Marrying a pregnant woman.
29092 Leadership involves finding a parade and getting in front of it; what
29093 is happening in America is that those parades are getting smaller and
29094 smaller -- and there are many more of them.
29095 -- John Naisbitt, "Megatrends"
29097 Learn from other people's mistakes, you don't have time to make your own.
29099 Learn to pause -- or nothing worthwhile can catch up to you.
29101 Learned men are the cisterns of knowledge, not the fountainheads.
29103 Learning at some schools is like drinking from a firehose.
29106 An astonishing new theory, discovered by management consultants
29107 in the 1970's, asserting that the more you do something the
29108 quicker you can do it.
29110 Learning without thought is labor lost;
29111 thought without learning is perilous.
29114 Leave no stone unturned.
29118 Mother said there would be days like this,
29119 but she never said that there'd be so many!
29121 Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
29124 When hammering a nail, you will never hit your
29125 finger if you hold the hammer with both hands.
29127 Lemma: All horses are the same color.
29128 Proof (by induction):
29129 Case n = 1: In a set with only one horse, it is obvious that all
29130 horses in that set are the same color.
29131 Case n = k: Suppose you have a set of k+1 horses. Pull one of these
29132 horses out of the set, so that you have k horses. Suppose that all
29133 of these horses are the same color. Now put back the horse that you
29134 took out, and pull out a different one. Suppose that all of the k
29135 horses now in the set are the same color. Then the set of k+1 horses
29136 are all the same color. We have k true => k+1 true; therefore all
29137 horses are the same color.
29138 Theorem: All horses have an infinite number of legs.
29139 Proof (by intimidation):
29140 Everyone would agree that all horses have an even number of legs. It
29141 is also well-known that horses have forelegs in front and two legs in
29142 back. 4 + 2 = 6 legs, which is certainly an odd number of legs for a
29143 horse to have! Now the only number that is both even and odd is
29144 infinity; therefore all horses have an infinite number of legs.
29145 However, suppose that there is a horse somewhere that does not have an
29146 infinite number of legs. Well, that would be a horse of a different
29147 color; and by the Lemma, it doesn't exist.
29149 Lemmings don't grow older, they just die.
29151 Lend money to a bad debtor and he will hate you.
29153 Lensmen eat Jedi for breakfast.
29155 LEO (Jul. 23 to Aug. 22)
29156 Your presence, poise, charm and good looks won't even help you today.
29157 Look over your shoulder; an ugly person may be following you. Be on
29158 your toes. Brush your teeth. Take Geritol.
29160 LEO (July 23 - Aug 22)
29161 You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are pushy.
29162 Most Leo people are bullies. You are vain and dislike honest
29163 criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieves.
29165 LEO (July 23 - Aug 22)
29166 Your determination and sense of humor will come to the fore. Your
29167 ability to laugh at adversity will be a blessing because you've got
29168 a day coming you wouldn't believe. As a matter of fact, if you can
29169 laugh at what happens to you today, you've got a sick sense of humor.
29172 I didn't give up sex, I just gave up premature ejaculation.
29174 Let a fool hold his tongue and he will pass for a sage.
29177 Let he who takes the plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.
29179 Let him choose out of my files, his projects to accomplish.
29180 -- Shakespeare, "Coriolanus"
29182 Let me assure you that to us here at First National, you're not just a
29183 number. You're two numbers, a dash, three more numbers, another dash and
29187 Let me not to the marriage of true minds
29188 Admit impediments. Love is not love
29189 Which alters when it alteration finds,
29190 Or bends with the remover to remove:
29191 O, no! it is an ever-fixed mark,
29192 That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
29193 It is the star to every wandering bark,
29194 Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.
29195 Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
29196 Within his bending sickle's compass come;
29197 Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
29198 But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
29199 If this be error and upon me proved,
29200 I never writ, nor no man ever loved.
29202 Let me put it this way: today is going to be a learning experience.
29204 Let me take you a button-hole lower.
29205 -- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost"
29207 Let me tell you who the actual "front-runners" are. On one side, you have
29208 George Bush, who is currently going through a sort of fraternity hazing
29209 wherein he has to perform a series of humiliating stunts to win the approval
29210 of the Republican Right. For example, they had him make a speech oozing
29211 praise all over William Loeb, deceased publisher of the Manchester (N.H.)
29212 Union Leader and Slime Journalist. Loeb had dumped viciously all over George
29213 in the 1980 New Hampshire primary. But when the Right held a big tribute
29214 for Loeb, George came back to the fold, like a man with a bungee cord wrapped
29218 Let no guilty man escape.
29221 Let not the sands of time get in your lunch.
29223 Let others praise ancient times; I am glad I was born in these.
29224 -- Ovid (43 B.C. - A.D. 18)
29226 Let sleeping dogs lie.
29229 Let the machine do the dirty work.
29230 -- "Elements of Programming Style", Kernighan and Ritchie
29232 Let the meek inherit the earth -- they have it coming to them.
29235 Let the people think they govern and they will be governed.
29236 -- William Penn, founder of Pennsylvania
29238 Let the worthy citizens of Chicago get their liquor the best way
29239 they can. I'm sick of the job. It's a thankless one and full of grief.
29242 Let thy maid servant be faithful, strong, and homely.
29243 -- Benjamin Franklin
29245 Let us go then you and I
29246 while the night is laid out against the sky
29247 like a smear of mustard on an old pork pie.
29249 "Nice poem Tom. I have ideas for changes though, why not come over?"
29252 Let us go, through certain half-deserted streets,
29253 The muttering retreats
29254 Of restless nights in one-night cheap hotels
29255 And sawdust restaurants with oyster-shells:
29256 Streets that follow like a tedious argument
29257 Of insidious intent
29258 To lead you to an overwhelming question...
29259 Oh, do not ask, "What is it?"
29260 -- T.S. Eliot, "Love song of J. Alfred Prufrock"
29264 Let us share the deepest secrets of our souls!!!
29268 Let us never negotiate out of fear,
29269 but let us never fear to negotiate.
29272 Let us not look back in anger or forward
29273 in fear, but around us in awareness.
29276 Let us remember that ours is a nation of lawyers and order.
29278 Let us treat men and women well;
29279 Treat them as if they were real;
29281 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
29283 Let your conscience be your guide.
29287 [The state, that's me.]
29291 -- Gary Gilmore, to his firing squad
29293 Let's just be friends and make no special effort to ever see each other again.
29295 Let's just be friends and make no special
29296 effort to ever see each other again.
29298 Let's just say that where a change was required, I adjusted. In every
29299 relationship that exists, people have to seek a way to survive. If you
29300 really care about the person, you do what's necessary, or that's the end.
29301 For the first time, I found that I really could change, and the qualities
29302 I most admired in myself I gave up. I stopped being loud and bossy ...
29303 Oh, all right. I was still loud and bossy, but only behind his back.
29304 -- Kate Hepburn, on Tracy and Hepburn
29306 Let's just say that where a change was required, I adjusted. In every
29307 relationship that exists, people have to seek a way to survive. If you
29308 really care about the person, you do what's necessary, or that's the end.
29309 For the first time, I found that I really could change, and the qualities
29310 I most admired in myself I gave up. I stopped being loud and bossy...
29311 Oh, all right. I was still loud and bossy, but only behind his back."
29312 -- Kate Hepburn, on Tracy and Hepburn
29314 Let's love each other slowly,
29315 reaching for a plane,
29316 of exquisite pleasure,
29320 Let's not complicate our relationship
29321 by trying to communicate with each other.
29323 Let's organize this thing and take all the fun out of it.
29325 Let's remind ourselves that last year's fresh idea is today's cliche.
29328 Let's say your wedding ring falls into your toaster, and when you stick your
29329 hand in to retrieve it, you suffer Pain and Suffering as well as Mental
29330 Anguish. You would sue:
29332 * The toaster manufacturer, for failure to include, in the instructions
29333 section that says you should never never never ever stick you hand
29334 into the toaster, the statement "Not even if your wedding ring falls
29337 * The store where you bought the toaster, for selling it to an obvious
29338 cretin like yourself.
29340 * Union Carbide Corporation, which is not directly responsible in this
29341 case, but which is feeling so guilty that it would probably send you
29342 a large cash settlement anyway.
29346 Even if someone doesn't care what the world thinks
29347 about them, they always hope their mother doesn't find out.
29349 Leveraging always beats prototyping.
29351 Lewis's Law of Travel:
29352 The first piece of luggage out of the
29353 chute doesn't belong to anyone, ever.
29355 L'hazard ne favorise que l'esprit prepare.
29359 A lawyer with a roving commission.
29361 Liar: one who tells an unpleasant truth.
29365 Someone too poor to be a capitalist and too rich to be a communist.
29367 Liberals are the first to dump you if you con them or get into
29368 trouble. Conservatives are better. They never run out on you.
29369 -- Joseph "Crazy Joe" Gallo
29371 Liberty don't work as good in practice as it does in speeches.
29372 -- The Best of Will Rogers
29374 LIBRA (Sep. 23 to Oct. 22)
29375 Your desire for justice and truth will be overshadowed by your desire
29376 for filthy lucre and a decent meal. Be gracious and polite. Someone
29377 is watching you, so stop staring like that.
29379 LIBRA (Sept 23 - Oct 23)
29380 Major achievements, new friends, and a previously unexplored way
29381 to make a lot of money will come to a lot of people today, but
29382 unfortunately you won't be one of them. Consider not getting out
29386 A very poor substitute for the truth,
29387 but the only one discovered to date.
29390 Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
29393 Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter, cuz nobody listens.
29395 Lies! All lies! You're all lying against my boys!
29399 A whim of several billion cells to be you for a while.
29402 Learning about people the hard way -- by being one.
29405 That brief interlude between nothingness and eternity.
29407 Life -- Love It or Leave It.
29409 Life begins at the centerfold and expands outward.
29410 -- Miss November, 1966
29412 Life being what it is, one dreams of revenge.
29415 Life can be so tragic -- you're here today and here tomorrow.
29417 Life does not begin at the moment of conception or the moment of birth.
29418 It begins when the kids leave home and the dog dies.
29420 Life exists for no known purpose.
29422 Life in this society being, at best, an utter bore and no aspect of society
29423 being at all relevant to women, there remains to civic-minded responsible
29424 thrill-seeking females only to overthrow the government, eliminate the money
29425 system, institute complete automation and destroy the male sex.
29428 Life is a biochemical reaction to the stimulus of the surrounding
29429 environment in a stable ecosphere, while a bowl of cherries is a
29430 round container filled with little red fruits on sticks.
29432 Life is a concentration camp. You're stuck here and there's no way
29433 out and you can only rage impotently against your persecutors.
29436 Life is a gamble at terrible odds, if it was a bet you wouldn't take it.
29437 -- Tom Stoppard, "Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead"
29439 Life is a game. In order to have a game, something has to be more
29440 important than something else. If what already is, is more important
29441 than what isn't, the game is over. So, life is a game in which what
29442 isn't, is more important than what is. Let the good times roll.
29445 Life is a game of bridge -- and you've just been finessed.
29447 Life is a glorious cycle of song,
29448 A medley of extemporania;
29449 And love is thing that can never go wrong;
29450 And I am Marie of Roumania.
29451 -- Dorothy Parker, "Comment"
29453 Life is a grand adventure -- or it is nothing.
29456 Life is a healthy respect for mother nature laced with greed.
29458 Life is a hospital in which every patient is possessed by the desire to
29460 -- Charles Baudelaire
29462 Life is a series of rude awakenings.
29465 Life is a serious burden, which no thinking,
29466 humane person would wantonly inflict on someone else.
29469 Life is a sexually transferred disease with 100% mortality.
29471 Life is a yo-yo, and mankind ties knots in the string.
29473 Life is an exciting business, and most
29474 exciting when it is lived for others.
29476 Life is both difficult and time consuming.
29478 Life is cheap, but the accessories can kill you.
29480 Life is difficult because it is non-linear.
29482 Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.
29483 -- Woody Allen, "Annie Hall"
29485 Life is fraught with opportunities to keep your mouth shut.
29487 Life is just a bowl of cherries, but why do I always get the pits?
29489 Life is knowing how far to go without crossing the line.
29491 Life is like a 10 speed bicycle. Most of us have gears we never use.
29494 "Life is like a buffet; it's not good but there's plenty of it."
29496 Life is like a diaper - short and loaded.
29498 Life is like a sewer.
29499 What you get out of it depends on what you put into it.
29502 Life is like a tin of sardines.
29503 We're, all of us, looking for the key.
29504 -- Beyond the Fringe
29506 Life is like an egg stain on your chin --
29507 you can lick it, but it still won't go away.
29509 Life is like an onion: you peel it off
29510 one layer at a time, and sometimes you weep.
29513 Life is like an onion: you peel off layer after
29514 layer and then you find there is nothing in it.
29517 Life is like arriving late for a movie, having to figure out what was
29518 going on without bothering everybody with a lot of questions, and then
29519 being unexpectedly called away before you find out how it ends.
29521 Life is like bein' on a mule team. Unless you're
29522 the lead mule, all the scenery looks about the same.
29524 Life is not for everyone.
29526 Life is one long struggle in the dark.
29527 -- Titus Lucretius Carus
29529 Life is the childhood of our immortality.
29532 Life is the living you do,
29533 Death is the living you don't do.
29536 Life is the urge to ecstasy.
29538 Life is to you a dashing and bold adventure.
29540 Life is too short to be taken seriously.
29543 Life is too short to stuff a mushroom.
29546 Life is wasted on the living.
29547 -- The Restaurant at the Edge of the Universe.
29549 Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans.
29550 -- John Lennon, "Beautiful Boy"
29552 Life, like beer, is merely borrowed.
29555 Life may have no meaning, or, even worse,
29556 it may have a meaning of which you disapprove.
29558 Life only demands from you the strength you possess.
29559 Only one feat is possible -- not to have run away.
29560 -- Dag Hammarskjold
29562 Life Sucks. Cynical, misanthropic male, 34, looking for soul mate but
29563 certain not to find her. Drop me a note. I'll call you, we'll talk and
29564 I'll ask you out to dinner where I'll probably spend more than I can
29565 afford in a feeble attempt to impress you. Then we'll realize we have
29566 absolutely nothing in common and we'll go our separate ways, more
29567 embittered and depressed than before (if such a thing is possible).
29569 Life sucks, but death doesn't put out at all.
29572 Life without caffeine is stimulating enough.
29575 Life would be so much easier if we could just look at the source code.
29578 Life would be tolerable but for its amusements.
29581 Life's too short to dance with ugly women.
29583 Lift every voice and sing
29584 Till earth and heaven ring,
29585 Ring with the harmonies of Liberty;
29586 Let our rejoicing rise
29587 High as the listening skies,
29588 Let it resound loud as the rolling sea.
29590 Sing a song full of the faith that the dark past has taught us.
29591 Sing a song full of the hope that the present has bought us.
29592 Facing the rising sun of our new day begun,
29593 Let us march on till victory is won.
29594 -- James Weldon Johnson
29596 Lighten up, while you still can,
29597 Don't even try to understand,
29598 Just find a place to make your stand,
29600 -- The Eagles, "Take It Easy"
29603 A tall building on the seashore in which the government
29604 maintains a lamp and the friend of a politician.
29607 When being alive at the same time is a wonderful coincidence.
29609 Like all young men, you greatly exaggerate
29610 the difference between one young woman and another.
29611 -- George Bernard Shaw, "Major Barbara"
29613 Like an expensive sports car, fine-tuned and well-built, Portia was sleek,
29614 shapely, and gorgeous, her red jumpsuit moulding her body, which was as warm
29615 as seatcovers in July, her hair as dark as new tires, her eyes flashing like
29616 bright hubcaps, and her lips as dewy as the beads of fresh rain on the hood;
29617 she was a woman driven -- fueled by a single accelerant -- and she needed a
29618 man, a man who wouldn't shift from his views, a man to steer her along the
29619 right road: a man like Alf Romeo.
29620 -- Rachel Sheeley, winner
29622 The hair ball blocking the drain of the shower reminded Laura she would never
29623 see her little dog Pritzi again.
29624 -- Claudia Fields, runner-up
29626 It could have been an organically based disturbance of the brain -- perhaps a
29627 tumor or a metabolic deficiency -- but after a thorough neurological exam it
29628 was determined that Byron was simply a jerk.
29629 -- Jeff Jahnke, runner-up
29631 Winners in the 7th Annual Bulwer-Lytton Bad Writing Contest. The contest is
29632 named after the author of the immortal lines: "It was a dark and stormy
29633 night." The object of the contest is to write the opening sentence of the
29634 worst possible novel.
29636 Like corn in a field I cut you down,
29637 I threw the last punch way too hard,
29638 After years of going steady, well, I thought it was time,
29639 To throw in my hand for a new set of cards.
29640 And I can't take you dancing out on the weekend,
29641 I figured we'd painted too much of this town,
29642 And I tried not to look as I walked to my wagon,
29643 And I knew then I had lost what should have been found,
29644 I knew then I had lost what should have been found.
29645 And I feel like a bullet in the gun of Robert Ford
29646 I'm as low as a paid assassin is
29647 You know I'm cold as a hired sword.
29648 I'm so ashamed we can't patch it up,
29649 You know I can't think straight no more
29650 You make me feel like a bullet, honey,
29651 a bullet in the gun of Robert Ford.
29652 -- Elton John "I Feel Like a Bullet"
29654 Like I said, love wouldn't be so blind if the braille
29655 weren't so damned great!
29656 -- Armistead Maupin
29658 Like, if I'm not for me, then fer shure, like who will be? And if, y'know,
29659 if I'm not like fer anyone else, then hey, I mean, what am I? And if not
29660 now, like I dunno, maybe like when? And if not Who, then I dunno, maybe
29661 like the Rolling Stones?
29662 -- Rich Rosen (Rabbi Valiel's paraphrase of famous quote
29663 attributed to Rabbi Hillel.)
29665 Like my parents, I have never been a regular church member or churchgoer.
29666 It doesn't seem plausible to me that there is the kind of God who watches
29667 over human affairs, listens to prayers, and tries to guide people to follow
29668 His precepts -- there is just too much misery and cruelty for that. On the
29669 other hand, I respect and envy the people who get inspiration from their
29673 Like punning, programming is a play on words.
29675 Like so many Americans, she was trying to construct
29676 a life that made sense from things she found in gift shops.
29677 -- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.
29679 Like the ski resort of girls looking for husbands and husbands looking
29680 for girls, the situation is not as symmetrical as it might seem.
29683 Like the time I ran away...
29684 And turned around and you were standing close to me.
29685 -- YES, "Going For The One/Awaken"
29687 Like winter snow on summer lawn, time past is time gone.
29689 Like ya know? Rock 'N Roll is an esoteric language that unlocks the
29690 creativity chambers in people's brains, and like totally activates their
29691 essential hipness, which of course is like totally necessary for saving
29692 the earth, like because the first thing in saving this world, is getting
29693 rid of stupid and square attitudes and having fun.
29694 -- Senior Year Quote
29696 Like you, I am frequently haunted by profound questions related to man's
29697 place in the Scheme of Things. Here are just a few:
29699 Q -- Is there life after death?
29700 A -- Definitely. I speak from personal experience here. On New
29701 Year's Eve, 1970, I drank a full pitcher of a drink called "Black Russian",
29702 then crawled out on the lawn and died within a matter of minutes, which was
29703 fine with me because I had come to realize that if I had lived I would have
29704 spent the rest of my life in the grip of the most excruciatingly painful
29705 headache. Thanks to the miracle of modern orange juice, I was brought back
29706 to life several days later, but in the interim I was definitely dead. I
29707 guess my main impression of the afterlife is that it isn't so bad as long
29708 as you keep the television turned down and don't try to eat any solid foods.
29711 Likewise, the national appetizer, brine-cured herring with raw onions,
29712 wins few friends, Germans excepted.
29713 -- Darwin Porter "Scandinavia On $50 A Day"
29715 Limericks are art forms complex,
29716 Their topics run chiefly to sex.
29717 They usually have virgins,
29718 And masculine urgin's,
29719 And other erotic effects.
29721 "Lines that are parallel meet at Infinity!"
29722 Euclid repeatedly, heatedly, urged.
29724 Until he died, and so reached that vicinity:
29725 in it he found that the damned things diverged.
29728 Linus: Hi! I thought it was you.
29729 I've been watching you from way off... You're looking great!
29730 Snoopy: That's nice to know.
29731 The secret of life is to look good at a distance.
29733 Linus: I guess it's wrong always to be worrying about tomorrow.
29734 Maybe we should think only about today.
29736 No, that's giving up. I'm still hoping that yesterday
29739 Linus: I guess it's wrong always to be worrying about tomorrow. Maybe
29740 we should think only about today.
29742 No, that's giving up. I'm still hoping that yesterday will get
29746 There is no heavier burden than a great potential.
29748 Lions in the street and roaming,
29749 Dogs in heat, rabid, foaming,
29750 A beast caged in the heart of the city.
29751 The body of his mother lying in the summer ground,
29753 Went down south across the border,
29754 Left the chaos and disorder
29755 Back there, over his shoulder.
29756 One morning he awoke in a green hotel,
29757 A strange creature groaning beside him.
29758 Sweat oozed from its shiny skin.
29759 Is everybody in? The ceremony is about to begin.
29760 -- Jim Morrison, "Celebration of the Lizard"
29763 To call a spade a thpade.
29765 Lisp, Lisp, Lisp Machine,
29766 Lisp Machine is Fun.
29767 Lisp, Lisp, Lisp Machine,
29771 Due to the holiday next Monday, there will be no garbage collection.
29773 Listen, there is no courage or any extra courage that I know of to find out
29774 the right thing to do. Now, it is not only necessary to do the right thing,
29775 but to do it in the right way and the only problem you have is what is the
29776 right thing to do and what is the right way to do it. That is the problem.
29777 But this economy of ours is not so simple that it obeys to the opinion of
29778 bias or the pronouncements of any particular individual, even to the President.
29779 This is an economy that is made up of 173 million people, and it reflects
29780 their desires, they're ready to buy, they're ready to spend, it is a thing
29781 that is too complex and too big to be affected adversely or advantageously
29782 just by a few words or any particular -- say, a little this and that, or even
29783 a panacea so alleged.
29784 -- D.D. Eisenhower, in response to: "Has the government
29785 been lacking in courage and boldness in facing up to
29788 Literature is mostly about having sex and not much about having children.
29789 Life is the other way around.
29792 Literature is mostly about sex and not much about having children and life
29793 is the other way round.
29794 -- David Lodge, "The British Museum is Falling Down"
29797 -- Ronald Macdonald
29800 Thy summer's play If thought is life
29801 My thoughtless hand And strength & breath,
29802 Has brush'd away. And the want
29803 Of thought is death,
29805 A fly like thee? Then am I
29806 Or art not thou A happy fly
29807 A man like me? If I live
29812 Till some blind hand
29813 Shall brush my wing.
29814 -- William Blake, "The Fly"
29816 Little girls, like butterflies, need no excuse.
29819 Little known fact about Middle Earth: The Hobbits had a very
29820 sophisticated computer network! It was a Tolkien Ring...
29822 Little Known Facts, #23:
29823 Did you know... that if you dial 911 in Los Angeles you get
29824 the BMW repair garage?
29826 Little Mary on the ice,
29827 Went out to have a frisk,
29828 Now wasn't little Mary nice,
29831 Live fast, die young, and leave a flat patch of fur on the highway!
29832 -- The Squirrels' Motto (The "Hell's Angels of Nature")
29834 Live fast, die young, and leave a good looking corpse.
29837 Live from New York ... It's Saturday Night!
29839 Live in a world of your own, but always welcome visitors.
29841 Live never to be ashamed if anything you do or say is
29842 published around the world -- even if what is published is not true.
29843 -- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul
29845 Live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so.
29848 Living here in Rio, I have lots of coffees to choose from. And when
29849 you're on the lam like me, you appreciate a good cup of coffee.
29850 -- "Great Train Robber" Ronald Biggs' coffee commercial
29852 Living in California is like living in a bowl of granola.
29853 What ain't flakes and nuts is fruits.
29855 Living in Hollywood is like living in a bowl of granola.
29856 What ain't fruits and nuts is flakes.
29858 Living in New York City gives people real incentives
29859 to want things that nobody else wants.
29862 Living in the complex world of the future is somewhat
29863 like having bees live in your head. But, there they are.
29865 Living on Earth may be expensive, but it
29866 includes an annual free trip around the Sun.
29869 A task so difficult, it has never been attempted before.
29871 Lizzie Borden took an axe,
29872 And plunged it deep into the VAX;
29873 Don't you envy people who
29874 Do all the things YOU want to do?
29876 Lo! Men have become the tool of their tools.
29877 -- Henry David Thoreau
29880 Everyone loves these delectable crustaceans, but many cooks are
29881 squeamish about placing them into boiling water alive, which is the only
29882 proper method of preparing them. Frankly, the easiest way to eliminate your
29883 guilt is to establish theirs by putting them on trial before they're cooked.
29884 The fact is, lobsters are among the most ferocious predators on the sea
29885 floor, and you're helping reduce crime in the reefs. Grasp the lobster
29886 behind the head, look it right in its unmistakably guilty eyestalks and say,
29887 "Where were you on the night of the 21st?", then flourish a picture of a
29888 scallop or a sole and shout, "Perhaps this will refresh that crude neural
29889 apparatus you call a memory!" The lobster will squirm noticeably. It may
29890 even take a swipe at you with one of its claws. Incorrigible. Pop it into
29891 the pot. Justice has been served, and shortly you and your friends will
29896 Everyone loves these delectable crustaceans, but many cooks are squeamish
29897 about placing them into boiling water alive, which is the only proper
29898 method of preparing them. Frankly, the easiest way to eliminate your
29899 guilt is to establish theirs by putting them on trial before they're
29900 cooked. The fact is, lobsters are among the most ferocious predators on
29901 the sea floor, and you're helping reduce crime in the reefs. Grasp the
29902 lobster behind the head, look it right in its unmistakably guilty
29903 eyestalks and say, "Where were you on the night of the 21st?", then
29904 flourish a picture of a scallop or a sole and shout, "Perhaps this will
29905 refresh that crude neural apparatus you call a memory!" The lobster will
29906 squirm noticeably. It may even take a swipe at you with one of its claws.
29907 Incorrigible. Pop it into the pot. Justice has been served, and shortly
29908 you and your friends will be, too.
29909 -- Cooking: The Art of Turning Appliances and Utensils
29910 into Excuses and Apologies
29912 Lockwood's Long Shot:
29913 The chances of getting eaten up by a lion on Main Street
29914 aren't one in a million, but once would be enough.
29916 Logic doesn't apply to the real world.
29919 Logic is a little bird, sitting in a tree, that smells AWFUL.
29921 Logic is a pretty flower that smells bad.
29923 Logic is a systematic method of coming
29924 to the wrong conclusion with confidence.
29926 Logic is the chastity belt of the mind!
29928 Logicians have but ill defined
29929 As rational the human kind.
29930 Logic, they say, belongs to man,
29931 But let them prove it if they can.
29932 -- Oliver Goldsmith
29936 LOGO for the Dead lets you continue your computing activities from
29939 The package includes a unique telecommunications feature which lets you
29940 turn your TRS-80 into an electronic Ouija board. Then, using Logo's
29941 graphics capabilities, you can work with a friend or relative on this
29942 side of the Great Beyond to write programs. The software requires that
29943 your body be hardwired to an analog-to-digital converter, which is then
29944 interfaced to your computer. A special terminal (very terminal) program
29945 lets you talk with the users through Deadnet, an EBBS (Ectoplasmic
29946 Bulletin Board System).
29948 LOGO for the Dead is available for 10 percent of your estate
29949 from NecroSoft inc., 6502 Charnelhouse Blvd., Cleveland, OH 44101.
29950 -- '80 Microcomputing
29952 Loneliness is a terrible price to pay for independence.
29954 Lonely is a man without love.
29955 -- Englebert Humperdinck
29957 Lonely men seek companionship.
29958 Lonely women sit at home and wait. They never meet.
29965 Like to meet new and interesting people?
29967 JUST SCREW-UP ONE MORE TIME!!!!!!!
29969 Long ago I proposed that unsuccessful candidates for the Presidency
29970 be quietly hanged, as a matter of public sanitation and decorum.
29971 The sight of their grief must have a very evil effect upon the young.
29972 -- H.L. Mencken, "A Carnival of Buncombe"
29974 Long computations which yield zero are probably all for naught.
29976 Long life is in store for you.
29978 Long were the days of pain I have spent within its walls, and
29979 long were the nights of aloneness; and who can depart from his
29980 pain and his aloneness without regret?
29981 -- Kahlil Gibran, "The Prophet"
29983 Look! Before our very eyes, the future is becoming the past.
29985 Look afar and see the end from the beginning.
29987 Look at it this way:
29988 Your daughter just named the fresh turkey you brought
29989 home "Cuddles", so you're going out to buy a canned ham.
29990 And you're still drinking ordinary scotch?
29992 Look at it this way:
29993 Your wife's spending $280 a month on meditation lessons to
29994 forget $26,000 of college education.
29995 And you're still drinking ordinary scotch?
29997 Look before you leap.
30003 Look out! Behind you!
\a\a\a
30005 Look, we trade every day out there with hustlers, deal-makers, shysters,
30006 con-men. That's the way businesses get started. That's the way this
30010 Lookie, lookie, here comes cookie...
30011 -- Stephen Sondheim
30013 Loose bits sink chips.
30015 Lord, defend me from my friends; I can account for my enemies.
30016 -- Charles D'Hericault
30018 Lord, what fools these mortals be!
30019 -- William Shakespeare, "A Midsummer-Night's Dream"
30021 Losing your drivers' license is just
30022 God's way of saying "BOOGA, BOOGA!"
30024 Lost: gray and white female cat.
30025 Answers to electric can opener.
30027 Lots of folks are forced to skimp to support a government that won't.
30029 Lots of folks confuse bad management with destiny.
30032 Lots of girls can be had for a song.
30033 Unfortunately, it often turns out to be the wedding march.
30035 Louie Louie, me gotta go
30036 Louie Louie, me gotta go
30038 Fine little girl she waits for me
30039 Me catch the ship for cross the sea
30040 Me sail the ship all alone Three nights and days me sail the sea
30041 Me never thinks me make it home Me think of girl constantly
30042 (chorus) On the ship I dream she there
30043 I smell the rose in her hair
30044 Me see Jamaica moon above (chorus, guitar solo)
30045 It won't be long, me see my love
30046 I take her in my arms and then
30047 Me tell her I never leave again
30048 -- The real words to The Kingsmen's classic "Louie Louie"
30051 I'll let you play with my life if you'll let me play with yours.
30054 Love ties in a knot in the end of the rope.
30057 When, if asked to choose between your lover
30058 and happiness, you'd skip happiness in a heartbeat.
30061 When it's growing, you don't mind watering it with a few tears.
30064 When you don't want someone too close--
30065 because you're very sensitive to pleasure.
30068 When you like to think of someone on days that begin with a morning.
30070 Love -- the last of the serious diseases of childhood.
30072 Love ain't nothin' but sex misspelled.
30074 Love America - or give it back.
30076 Love and scandal are the best sweeteners of tea.
30078 Love at first sight is one of the greatest
30079 labor-saving devices the world has ever seen.
30081 Love conquers all things; let us too surrender to love.
30082 -- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil)
30084 Love in your heart wasn't put there to stay.
30085 Love isn't love 'til you give it away.
30086 -- Oscar Hammerstein II
30088 Love is a grave mental disease.
30091 Love is a slippery eel that bites like hell.
30094 Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra, which suddenly flips
30095 over, pinning you underneath. At night the ice weasels come.
30096 -- Matt Groening, "Love is Hell"
30098 Love is a word that is constantly heard,
30099 Hate is a word that is not.
30100 Love, I am told, is more precious than gold.
30101 Love, I have read, is hot.
30102 But hate is the verb that to me is superb,
30103 And Love but a drug on the mart.
30104 Any kiddie in school can love like a fool,
30105 But Hating, my boy, is an Art.
30108 Love is always open arms. With arms open you allow love to come and
30109 go as it wills, freely, for it will do so anyway. If you close your
30110 arms about love you'll find you are left only holding yourself.
30112 Love is an ideal thing, marriage a real thing; a confusion of the real
30113 with the ideal never goes unpunished.
30116 Love is an ideal thing, marriage a real thing; a confusion of the
30117 real with the ideal never goes unpunished.
30120 Love is an obsessive delusion that is cured by marriage.
30123 Love is being stupid together.
30126 Love is dope, not chicken soup. I mean, love is something to be passed
30127 around freely, not spooned down someone's throat for their own good by a
30128 Jewish mother who cooked it all by herself.
30130 Love is in the offing.
30131 -- The Homicidal Maniac
30133 Love is in the offing. Be affectionate to one who adores you.
30135 Love is like a friendship caught on fire. In the beginning a flame, very
30136 pretty, often hot and fierce, but still only light and flickering. As love
30137 grows older, our hearts mature and our love becomes as coals, deep-burning
30141 Love is like the measles; we all have to go through it.
30142 -- Jerome K. Jerome
30144 Love is never asking why?
30146 Love is not enough, but it sure helps.
30148 Love is sentimental measles.
30150 Love is staying up all night with a sick child, or a healthy adult.
30152 Love is the answer; but while you are waiting for the answer, sex
30153 raises some pretty good questions.
30156 Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.
30159 Love is the desire to prostitute oneself. There is, indeed, no exalted
30160 pleasure that cannot be related to prostitution.
30161 -- Charles Baudelaire
30163 Love is the only game that is not called on account of darkness.
30166 Love is the process of my leading you gently back to yourself.
30169 Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
30172 Love IS what it's cracked up to be.
30174 Love is what you've been through with somebody.
30177 Love isn't only blind, it's also deaf, dumb, and stupid.
30179 Love makes fools, marriage cuckolds, and patriotism malevolent imbeciles.
30180 -- Paul Leautaud, "Passe-temps"
30182 Love makes the world go 'round, with a little help from intrinsic angular
30185 Love may laugh at locksmiths, but he has a profound respect for money bags.
30186 -- Sidney Paternoster, "The Folly of the Wise"
30188 Love means having to say you're sorry every five minutes.
30190 Love means never having to say you're sorry.
30191 -- Eric Segal, "Love Story"
30193 That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard.
30194 -- Ryan O'Neill, "What's Up Doc?"
30196 Love means nothing to a tennis player.
30198 Love tells us many things that are not so.
30199 -- Krainian Proverb
30201 Love the sea? I dote upon it -- from the beach.
30203 Love thy neighbor as thyself, but choose your neighborhood.
30206 Love thy neighbor, tune thy piano.
30208 Love to eat them mousies,
30209 Mousies I love to eat.
30210 Bite they little heads off,
30211 Nibble at they tiny feet.
30214 Love to eat them mousies,
30215 Mousies what I love to eat.
30216 Bite they little heads off,
30217 Nibble on they tiny feet.
30220 Love to eat them mousies;
30221 Mousies what I love to eat.
30222 Bite they tiny heads off,
30223 Nibble on they tiny feet!
30226 Love, which is quickly kindled in a gentle heart,
30227 seized this one for the fair form
30228 that was taken from me-and the way of it afflicts me still.
30229 Love, which absolves no loved one from loving,
30230 seized me so strongly with delight in him,
30231 that, as you see, it does not leave me even now.
30232 Love brought us to one death.
30233 -- La Divina Commedia: Inferno V, vv. 100-06
30235 Love your enemies: they'll go crazy
30236 trying to figure out what you're up to.
30238 Love your neighbour, yet don't pull down your hedge.
30239 -- Benjamin Franklin
30242 If it jams -- force it. If it
30243 breaks, it needed replacing anyway.
30245 LSD melts in your mind, not in your hand.
30247 Lubarsky's Law of Cybernetic Entomology:
30248 There's always one more bug.
30250 Lucas is the source of many of the components of the legendarily reliable
30251 British automotive electrical systems. Professionals call the company "The
30252 Prince of Darkness". Of course, if Lucas were to design and manufacture
30253 nuclear weapons, World War III would never get off the ground. The British
30254 don't like warm beer any more than the Americans do. The British drink warm
30255 beer because they have Lucas refrigerators.
30257 Luck can't last a lifetime, unless you die young.
30260 Luck, that's when preparation and opportunity meet.
30264 When you have a wife and a cigarette
30265 lighter -- both of which work.
30267 Lucky is he for whom the belle toils.
30269 Lucy: Dance, dance, dance. That is all you ever do.
30270 Can't you be serious for once?
30271 Snoopy: She is right! I think I had better think
30272 of the more important things in life!
30276 Luke, I'm yer father, eh. Come over to the dark side, you hoser.
30277 -- Dave Thomas, "Strange Brew"
30280 The place where optimism most flourishes.
30282 Lying is an indispensable part of making life tolerable.
30285 Lysistrata had a good idea.
30287 Ma Bell is a mean mother!
30289 MAC user's dynamic debugging list evaluator? Never heard of that.
30291 "Mach was the greatest intellectual fraud in the last ten years."
30293 "I said `intellectual'."
30296 Machine-independent program:
30297 A program that will not run on any machine.
30299 Machines have less problems. I'd like to be a machine.
30302 Machines that have broken down will work perfectly when the
30306 Jogging home from your vasectomy.
30308 Macho does not prove mucho.
30312 Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence.
30314 Madam, there's no such thing as a tough child --
30315 if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.
30319 If you have to travel on the Titanic, why not go first class?
30321 Madness takes its toll.
30323 Magary's Principle:
30324 When there is a public outcry to cut deadwood and fat from any
30325 government bureaucracy, it is the deadwood and the fat that do
30326 the cutting, and the public's services are cut.
30328 Magic is always the best solution -- especially reliable magic.
30330 Magnet, n.: Something acted upon by magnetism.
30332 Magnetism, n.: Something acting upon a magnet.
30334 The two preceding definitions are condensed from the works of one
30335 thousand eminent scientists, who have illuminated the subject with a
30336 great white light, to the inexpressible advancement of human knowledge.
30339 Any automobile that, when left unattended, attracts shopping carts.
30340 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
30343 Any automobile that, when left unattended, attracts shopping
30345 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
30348 A bird whose thievish disposition suggested
30349 to someone that it might be taught to talk.
30353 A girl who never had the sense to say "uncle."
30356 A young person of the unfair sex addicted to clewless conduct and
30357 views that madden to crime. The genus has a wide geographical
30358 distribution, being found wherever sought and deplored wherever found.
30359 The maiden is not altogether unpleasing to the eye, nor (without her
30360 piano and her views) insupportable to the ear, though in respect to
30361 comeliness distinctly inferior to the rainbow, and, with regard to
30362 the part of her that is audible, beaten out of the field by the
30363 canary -- which, also, is more portable.
30366 A member of the unconsidered, or negligible sex. The male of the
30367 human race is commonly known to the female as Mere Man. The genus
30368 has two varieties: good providers and bad providers.
30372 If the facts do not conform to the theory, they must be disposed of.
30373 -- N.R. Maier, "American Psychologist", March 1960
30376 1. The bigger the theory, the better.
30377 2. The experiment may be considered a success if no more than
30378 50% of the observed measurements must be discarded to
30379 obtain a correspondence with the theory.
30382 For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.
30384 Maintainer's Motto:
30385 If we can't fix it, it ain't broke.
30387 Maj. Bloodnok: Seagoon, you're a coward!
30388 Seagoon: Only in the holiday season.
30389 Maj. Bloodnok: Ah, another Noel Coward!
30392 Sixty men can do sixty times as much work as one man.
30394 A man can dig a posthole in sixty seconds.
30396 Sixty men can dig a posthole in one second.
30398 Secondary Conclusion:
30399 Do you realize how many holes there would be if people
30400 would just take the time to take the dirt out of them?
30402 Majorities, of course, start with minorities.
30406 That quality that distinguishes a crime from a law.
30408 Make a wish, it might come true.
30410 Make headway at work. Continue to let things deteriorate at home.
30412 Make it right before you make it faster.
30414 Make no little plans; they have no magic to stir men's blood.
30415 -- Daniel Hudson Burnham
30417 Make sure your code does nothing gracefully.
30419 Make war not sex. (It's safer.)
30421 Making files is easy under the UNIX operating system. Therefore, users
30422 tend to create numerous files using large amounts of file space. It has
30423 been said that the only standard thing about all UNIX systems is the
30424 message-of-the-day telling users to clean up their files.
30425 -- System V.2 administrator's guide
30428 Any simple idea will be worded in the most complicated way.
30431 The reason surgeons wear masks.
30434 An animal so lost in rapturous contemplation of what he thinks he
30435 is as to overlook what he indubitably ought to be. His chief
30436 occupation is extermination of other animals and his own species,
30437 which, however, multiplies with such insistent rapidity as to infest
30438 the whole habitable earth and Canada.
30441 Man and wife make one fool.
30443 Man belongs wherever he wants to go.
30444 -- Wernher von Braun
30446 Man has always assumed that he is more intelligent than dolphins because
30447 he has achieved so much -- the wheel, New York, wars and so on -- while
30448 all the dolphins had ever done was muck about in the water having a good
30449 time. But, conversely, the dolphins had always believed that they were
30450 far more intelligent than man -- for precisely the same reasons.
30451 -- D. Adams, "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
30453 Man has made his bedlam; let him lie in it.
30456 Man has never reconciled himself to the ten commandments.
30458 Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain.
30461 Man is a military animal,
30462 Glories in gunpowder, and loves parade.
30465 Man is a rational animal who always loses his temper when he is called upon
30466 to act in accordance with the dictates of reason.
30469 Man is a rational animal who always loses his temper when he
30470 is called upon to act in accordance with the dictates of reason.
30473 Man is an animal that makes bargains: no other animal does this--
30474 no dog exchanges bones with another.
30477 Man is by nature a political animal.
30480 Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft...
30481 and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.
30482 -- Wernher von Braun
30484 Man is the measure of all things.
30487 Man is the only animal that blushes -- or needs to.
30490 Man is the only animal that can remain on friendly terms
30491 with the victims he intends to eat until he eats them.
30492 -- Samuel Butler, 1835-1902
30494 Man is the only animal that laughs and weeps;
30495 for he is the only animal that is struck with the
30496 difference between what things are and what they ought to be.
30499 Man must shape his tools lest they shape him.
30500 -- Arthur R. Miller
30502 Man proposes, God disposes.
30505 Man usually avoids attributing cleverness to somebody else --
30506 unless it is an enemy.
30509 Man who arrives at party two hours late
30510 will find he has been beaten to the punch.
30512 Man who falls in blast furnace is certain to feel overwrought.
30514 Man who falls in vat of molten optical glass makes spectacle of self.
30516 Man who sleep in beer keg wake up stickey.
30518 Man will never fly.
30519 Space travel is merely a dream.
30520 All aspirin is alike.
30522 Management: How many feet do mice have?
30523 Reply: Mice have four feet.
30525 R: Mice have five appendages, and four of them are feet.
30526 M: No discussion of fifth appendage!
30527 R: Mice have five appendages; four of them are feet; one is a tail.
30528 M: What? Feet with no legs?
30529 R: Mice have four legs, four feet, and one tail per unit-mouse.
30530 M: Confusing -- is that a total of 9 appendages?
30531 R: Mice have four leg-foot assemblies and one tail assembly per body.
30532 M: Does not fully discuss the issue!
30533 R: Each mouse comes equipped with four legs and a tail. Each leg
30534 is equipped with a foot at the end opposite the body; the tail
30535 is not equipped with a foot.
30536 M: Descriptive? Yes. Forceful NO!
30537 R: Allotment of appendages for mice will be: Four foot-leg assemblies,
30538 one tail. Deviation from this policy is not permitted as it would
30539 constitute misapportionment of scarce appendage assets.
30540 M: Too authoritarian; stifles creativity!
30541 R: Mice have four feet; each foot is attached to a small leg joined
30542 integrally with the overall mouse structural sub-system. Also
30543 attached to the mouse sub-system is a thin tail, non-functional and
30544 ornamental in nature.
30545 M: Too verbose/scientific. Answer the question!
30546 R: Mice have four feet.
30549 The art of getting other people to do all the work.
30552 A man known for giving great meeting.
30555 A sexist, obsolete measure of macho effort, equal to 60 Kiplings.
30558 Easy glum, easy glow.
30560 Mankind is poised midway between the gods and the beasts.
30564 Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion
30567 Man's horizons are bounded by his vision.
30569 Man's reach must exceed his grasp, for why else the heavens?
30571 Man's unique agony as a species consists in his perpetual
30572 conflict between the desire to stand out and the need to blend in.
30573 -- Sydney J. Harris
30576 A unit of documentation. There are always three or more on a given
30577 item. One is on the shelf; someone has the others. The information
30578 you need in in the others.
30581 Many a bum show has been saved by the flag.
30584 Many a family tree needs trimming.
30586 Many a long dispute between divines may thus be abridged: It is so. It
30587 is not so. It is so. It is not so.
30588 -- Benjamin Franklin, "Poor Richard's Almanack"
30590 Many a man that can't direct you to a corner drugstore will
30591 get a respectful hearing when age has further impaired his mind.
30592 -- Finley Peter Dunne
30594 Many a town that didn't have enough work to support a single lawyer
30595 can easily support two or more.
30597 Many a writer seems to think he is never profound
30598 except when he can't understand his own meaning.
30599 -- George D. Prentice
30601 Many are called, few are chosen.
30602 Fewer still get to do the choosing.
30604 Many are called, few volunteer.
30606 Many are cold, but few are frozen.
30608 Many changes of mind and mood; do not hesitate too long.
30610 Many companies that have made themselves dependent on [the equipment of a
30611 certain major manufacturer] (and in doing so have sold their soul to the
30612 devil) will collapse under the sheer weight of the unmastered complexity of
30613 their data processing systems.
30614 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5
30616 Many enraged psychiatrists are inciting a weary butcher. The butcher is
30617 weary and tired because he has cut meat and steak and lamb for hours and
30618 weeks. He does not desire to chant about anything with raving psychiatrists,
30619 but he sings about his gingivectomist, he dreams about a single cosmologist,
30620 he thinks about his dog. The dog is named Herbert.
30621 -- Racter, "The Policeman's Beard is Half-Constructed"
30623 Many hands make light work.
30626 Many husbands go broke on the money their wives save on sales.
30628 Many mental processes admit of being roughly measured. For instance,
30629 the degree to which people are bored, by counting the number of their
30630 fidgets. I not infrequently tried this method at the meetings of the
30631 Royal Geographical Society, for even there dull memoirs are occasionally
30632 read. [...] The use of a watch attracts attention, so I reckon time
30633 by the number of my breathings, of which there are 15 in a minute. They
30634 are not counted mentally, but are punctuated by pressing with 15 fingers
30635 successively. The counting is reserved for the fidgets. These observations
30636 should be confined to persons of middle age. Children are rarely still,
30637 while elderly philosophers will sometimes remain rigid for minutes altogether.
30638 -- Francis Galton, 1909
30640 Many of the characters are fools and they are always playing
30641 tricks on me and treating me badly.
30642 -- Jorge Luis Borges, from "Writers on Writing" by Jon Winokur
30644 Many of the convicted thieves Parker has met began their
30645 life of crime after taking college Computer Science courses.
30646 -- Roger Rapoport, "Programs for Plunder", Omni, March 1981
30648 Many pages make a thick book.
30650 Many pages make a thick book, except for pocket Bibles which are on very
30653 Many people are desperately looking for some wise advice
30654 which will recommend that they do what they want to do.
30656 Many people are secretly interested in life.
30658 Many people are unenthusiastic about their work.
30660 Many people are unenthusiastic about your work.
30662 Many people feel that if you won't let
30663 them make you happy, they'll make you suffer.
30665 Many people feel that they deserve some kind of
30666 recognition for all the bad things they haven't done.
30668 Many people resent being treated like the person they really are.
30670 Many people would rather die than think; in fact, most do.
30671 -- Bertrand Russell
30673 Many people write memos to tell you they have nothing to say.
30675 Many receive advice, few profit by it.
30678 Many years ago in a period commonly know as Next Friday Afternoon,
30679 there lived a King who was very Gloomy on Tuesday mornings because he
30680 was so Sad thinking about how Unhappy he had been on Monday and how
30681 completely Mournful he would be on Wednesday....
30684 Margaret, are you grieving
30685 Over Goldengrove unleaving?
30686 Leaves, like the things of man,
30687 You, with your fresh thoughts
30689 Ah! as the heart grows older
30690 It will come to such sights colder
30691 By and by, nor spare a sigh
30692 Though worlds of wanwood leafmeal lie
30693 And yet you will weep and know why.
30694 Now no matter, child, the name
30695 Sorrow's springs are the same:
30696 It is the blight man was born for,
30697 It is Margaret you mourn for.
30698 -- Gerard Manley Hopkins.
30702 Orange blossom: Your purity equals your loveliness
30703 Orchid: Beauty, magnificence
30705 Peach blossom: I am your captive
30706 Petunia: Your presence soothes me
30708 Rose, any color: Love
30709 Rose, deep red: Bashful shame
30710 Rose, single, pink: Simplicity
30711 Rose, thornless, any: Early attachment
30712 Rose, white: I am worthy of you
30713 Rose, yellow: Decrease of love, rise of jealousy
30714 Rosebud, white: Girlhood, and a heart ignorant of love
30715 Rosemary: Remembrance
30716 Sunflower: Haughtiness
30717 Tulip, red: Declaration of love
30718 Tulip, yellow: Hopeless love
30719 Violet, blue: Faithfulness
30720 Violet, white: Modesty
30721 Zinnia: Thoughts of absent friends
30722 * An upside-down blossom reverses the meaning.
30724 Marijuana is nature's way of saying, "Hi!".
30726 Marijuana will be legal some day, because the many law students
30727 who now smoke pot will someday become congressmen and legalize
30728 it in order to protect themselves.
30731 Mark's Dental-Chair Discovery:
30732 Dentists are incapable of asking questions
30733 that require a simple yes or no answer.
30736 An old, established institution, entered into by two people deeply
30737 in love and desiring to make a commitment to each other expressing
30738 that love. In short, commitment to an institution.
30743 Marriage always demands the greatest understanding of the art of
30744 insincerity possible between two human beings.
30747 Marriage causes dating problems.
30749 Marriage, in life, is like a duel in the midst of a battle.
30752 Marriage is a ghastly public confession of a strictly private intention.
30754 Marriage is a great institution -- but I'm
30755 not ready for an institution yet.
30758 Marriage is a lot like the army, everyone complains, but you'd be
30759 surprised at the large number that re-enlist.
30762 Marriage is a romance in which the hero dies in the first chapter.
30764 Marriage is a three ring circus:
30765 engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
30768 Marriage is an institution in which two undertake
30769 to become one, and one undertakes to become nothing.
30771 Marriage is based on the theory that when a man discovers a brand of beer
30772 exactly to his taste he should at once throw up his job and go to work
30774 -- George Jean Nathan
30776 Marriage is learning about women the hard way.
30778 Marriage is like twirling a baton, turning handsprings, or eating with
30779 chopsticks. It looks easy until you try it.
30781 Marriage is low down, but you spend the rest of your life paying for it.
30784 Marriage is not merely sharing the fettucine, but sharing the
30785 burden of finding the fettucine restaurant in the first place.
30788 Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly.
30791 Marriage is the process of finding out what
30792 kind of man your wife would have preferred.
30794 Marriage is the waste-paper basket of the emotions.
30799 Marriages are made in heaven and consummated on earth.
30802 Marry in haste and everyone starts counting the months.
30804 MARTA SAYS THE INTERESTING thing about fly-fishing is that its two lives
30805 connected by a thin strand.
30807 Come on, Marta, grow up.
30808 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
30810 MARTA WAS WATCHING THE FOOTBALL GAME with me when she said, "You know most
30811 of these sports are based on the idea of one group protecting its
30812 territory from invasion by another group."
30814 "Yeah," I said, trying not to laugh. Girls are funny.
30815 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
30817 Martin was probably ripping them off. That's some family, isn't it?
30818 Incest, prostitution, fanaticism, software.
30819 -- Charles Willeford, "Miami Blues"
30821 'Martyrdom' is the only way a person can become famous without ability.
30822 -- George Bernard Shaw
30824 Marvelous! The super-user's going to boot me!
30825 What a finely tuned response to the situation!
30827 Marvin the Nature Lover spied a grasshopper hopping along in the grass,
30828 and in a mood for communing with nature, rare even among full-fledged
30829 Nature Lovers, he spoke to the grasshopper, saying: "Hello, friend
30830 grasshopper. Did you know they've named a drink after you?"
30831 "Really?" replied the grasshopper, obviously pleased. "They've
30832 named a drink Fred?"
30834 Marxist Law of Distribution of Wealth:
30835 Shortages will be divided equally among the peasants.
30837 Mary had a little lamb, its fleece was white as snow,
30838 And everywhere that Mary went, the lamb was sure to go.
30839 It followed her through rain or snow, lightning, sleet or hail.
30840 It fetched the evening paper, her slippers, and the mail.
30841 She never had a moments peace; the lamb was always on her heels,
30842 And on her feet its head would rest, while she ate her meals.
30843 It followed her to school one day, the devotion never ended.
30844 The lamb waltzed into her history class and Mary got suspended.
30845 The night she went to Senior Prom, she thought she had him beat,
30846 Until she heard a mournful "Baaa" coming from her car's seat.
30847 Oh, Mary had a little lamb, it surely didn't please her.
30848 So for dinner she had lambchops; the rest is in the freezer.
30852 You can always find what you're not looking for.
30855 If the only tool you have is a hammer,
30856 you treat everything like a nail.
30858 Mason's First Law of Synergism:
30859 The one day you'd sell your soul for something, souls are a glut.
30861 Massachusetts has the best politicians money can buy.
30863 Masturbation is the thinking man's television.
30864 -- Christopher Hampton
30866 Mate, this parrot wouldn't VOOM if you put four million volts through it!
30869 Mater artium necessitas.
30870 [Necessity is the mother of invention].
30872 Maternity pay? Now every Tom, Dick and Harry will get pregnant.
30875 MATH AND ALCOHOL DON'T MIX!
30876 Please, don't drink and derive.
30883 Math is like love -- a simple idea but it can get complicated.
30887 Some one who believes imaginary things appear right before your i's.
30889 Mathematicians are like Frenchmen: whatever you say to them they
30890 translate into their own language and forthwith it is something
30891 entirely different.
30894 Mathematicians are like Frenchmen: whatever you say to them they translate
30895 into their own language, and forthwith it is something entirely different.
30896 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
30898 Mathematicians practice absolute freedom.
30901 Mathematicians take it to the limit.
30903 Mathematics deals exclusively with the relations of concepts
30904 to each other without consideration of their relation to experience.
30907 Mathematics is the only science where one never knows what
30908 one is talking about nor whether what is said is true.
30911 Mathematics, rightly viewed, possesses not only truth but supreme beauty --
30912 a beauty cold and austere, like that of a sculpture, without appeal to any
30913 part of our weaker nature, without the gorgeous trapping of painting or music,
30914 yet sublimely pure, and capable of a stern perfection such as only the
30915 greatest art can show. The true spirit of delight, the exaltation, the sense
30916 of being more than man, which is the touchstone of the highest excellence, is
30917 to be found in mathematics as surely as in poetry.
30918 -- Bertrand Russell
30920 Matrimony is the root of all evil.
30922 Matrimony isn't a word, it's a sentence.
30924 Matter cannot be created or destroyed,
30925 nor can it be returned without a receipt.
30927 Matter will be damaged in direct proportion to its value.
30929 [Maturity consists in the discovery that] there comes a critical moment
30930 where everything is reversed, after which the point becomes to understand
30931 more and more that there is something which cannot be understood.
30934 Maturity is only a short break in adolescence.
30938 A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
30940 May a hundred thousand midgets invade your home singing cheezy lounge-lizard
30941 versions of songs from The Wizard of Oz.
30943 May a Misguided Platypus lay its Eggs in your Jockey Shorts
30945 May all your PUSHes be POPped.
30947 May the bluebird of happiness twiddle your bits.
30949 May the Fleas of a Thousand Camels infest one of your Erogenous Zones.
30951 May the fleas of a thousand camels infest your armpits.
30953 May those that love us love us; and those that don't love us, may
30954 God turn their hearts; and if he doesn't turn their hearts, may
30955 he turn their ankles so we'll know them by their limping.
30957 May you die in bed at 95, shot by a jealous spouse.
30959 May you have many beautiful and obedient daughters.
30961 May you have many handsome and obedient sons.
30963 May you have warm words on a cold evening,
30964 a full moon on a dark night,
30965 and a smooth road all the way to your door.
30967 May you live in uninteresting times.
30970 May your camel be as swift as the wind.
30972 May your SO always know when you need a hug.
30974 May your Tongue stick to the Roof of your
30975 Mouth with the Force of a Thousand Caramels.
30977 Maybe ain't ain't so correct, but I notice that
30978 lots of folks who ain't using ain't ain't eatin' well.
30981 Maybe Computer Science should be in the College of Theology.
30984 Maybe Jesus was right when he said that the meek shall inherit the
30985 earth -- but they inherit very small plots, about six feet by three.
30988 "Maybe we can get together and show off to each other sometimes."
30990 "Maybe we should think of this as one perfect week... where we found each
30991 other, and loved each other... and then let each other go before anyone
30992 had to seek professional help."
30994 Maybe you can't buy happiness, but
30995 these days you can certainly charge it.
30998 The quality of correlation is inversely proportional to the density
30999 of control. (The fewer the data points, the smoother the curves.)
31001 McDonald's -- Because you're worth it.
31003 McEwan's Rule of Relative Importance:
31004 When traveling with a herd of elephants,
31005 don't be the first to lie down and rest.
31008 Whatever happens to you, it will previously
31009 have happened to everyone you know, only more so.
31012 Always remember that you are absolutely unique,
31013 just like everyone else.
31015 Meanehwael, baccat meaddehaele, monstaer lurccen;
31016 Fulle few too many drincce, hie luccen for fyht.
31017 [D]en Hreorfneorht[d]hwr, son of Hrwaerow[p]heororthwl,
31018 AEsccen aewful jeork to steop outsyd.
31019 [P]hud! Bashe! Crasch! Beoom! [D]e bigge gye
31020 Eallum his bon brak, byt his nose offe;
31021 Wicced Godsylla waeld on his asse.
31022 Monstaer moppe fleor wy[p] eallum men in haelle.
31023 Beowulf in bacceroome fonecall bemaccen waes;
31024 Hearen sond of ruccus saed, "Hwaet [d]e helle?"
31025 Graben sheold strang ond swich-blaed scharp
31026 Sond feorth to fyht [d]e grimlic foe.
31027 "Me," Godsylla saed, "mac [d]e minsemete."
31028 Heoro cwyc geten heold wi[p] faemed half-nelson
31029 Ond flyng him lic frisbe bac to fen.
31030 Beowulf belly up to meaddehaele bar,
31031 Saed, "Ne foe beaten mie faersom cung-fu."
31032 Eorderen cocca-colha yce-coeld, [d]e reol [p]yng.
31034 Meantime, in the slums below Ronnie's Ranch, Cynthia feels as if some one
31035 has made voodoo boxen of her and her favorite backplanes. On this fine
31036 moonlit night, some horrible persona has been jabbing away at, dragging
31037 magnets over, and surging these voodoo boxen. Fortunately, they seem to
31038 have gotten a bit bored and fallen asleep, for it looks like Cynthia may
31039 get to go home. However, she has made note to quickly put together a totem
31040 of sweaty, sordid static straps, random bits of wire, flecks of once meaniful
31041 oxide, bus grant cards, gummy worms, and some bits of old pdp backplane to
31042 hang above the machine room. This totem must be blessed by the old and wise
31043 venerable god of unibus at once, before the idolatization of vme, q and pc
31044 bus drive him to bitter revenge. Alas, if this fails, and the voodoo boxen
31045 aren't destroyed, there may be more than worms in the apple. Next, the
31046 arrival of voodoo optico transmitigational magneto killer paramecium, capable
31047 of teleporting from cable to cable, screen to screen, ear to ear and hoof
31050 Measure twice, cut once.
31052 Mediocrity finds safety in standardization.
31055 Meekness is uncommon patience in planning a worthwhile revenge.
31057 Meester, do you vant to buy a duck?
31060 An assembly of computer experts coming together to decide what
31061 person or department not represented in the room must solve the
31065 An assembly of people coming together to decide what person or
31066 department not represented in the room must solve a problem.
31069 A place where minutes are kept and hours are lost.
31071 Meetings are an addictive, highly self indulgent activity that
31072 corporations and other large organizations habitually engage
31073 in only because they cannot actually masturbate.
31077 An interoffice communication too often written more for
31078 the benefit of the person who sends it than the person
31081 MEMORIES OF MY FAMILY MEETINGS still are a source of strength to me. I
31082 remember we'd all get into the car -- I forget what kind it was -- and
31085 I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there were some bees there. The
31086 smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we
31087 played. I remember a bigger, older guy whom we called "Dad." We'd eat
31088 some stuff or not and then I think we went home.
31090 I guess some things never leave you.
31091 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
31093 Memory fault -- brain fried
31095 Memory fault -- core...uh...um...core... Oh dammit, I forget!
31097 Memory fault - where am I?
31099 Memory should be the starting point of the present.
31101 Men are always ready to respect anything that bores them.
31104 Men are amused by almost any idiot thing -- that is why professional ice
31105 hockey is so popular -- so buying gifts for them is easy. But you should
31106 never buy them clothes. Men believe they already have all the clothes they
31107 will ever need, and new ones make them nervous. For example, your average
31108 man has 84 ties, but he wears, at most, only three of them. He has learned,
31109 through humiliating trial and error, that if he wears any of the other 81
31110 ties, his wife will probably laugh at him ("You're not going to wear THAT
31111 tie with that suit, are you?"). So he has narrowed it down to three safe
31112 ties, and has gone several years without being laughed at. If you give him
31113 a new tie, he will pretend to like it, but deep inside he will hate you.
31114 If you want to give a man something practical, consider tires. More
31115 than once, I would have gladly traded all the gifts I got for a new set
31117 -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
31119 Men are superior to women.
31122 Men are those creatures with two legs and eight hands.
31125 Men aren't attracted to me by my mind.
31126 They're attracted by what I don't mind...
31129 Men freely believe that what they wish to desire.
31132 Men have a much better time of it than women; for one
31133 thing they marry later; for another thing they die earlier.
31136 Men have as exaggerated an idea of their
31137 rights as women have of their wrongs.
31140 Men live for three things, fast cars, fast women and fast food.
31142 Men love to wonder, and that is the seed of science.
31144 Men never do evil so completely and cheerfully as when they do it
31145 from religious conviction.
31146 -- Blaise Pascal, "Pensées", 1670
31148 Men never make passes at girls wearing glasses.
31151 Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them
31152 pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened.
31153 -- Winston Churchill
31155 Men of lofty genius when they are doing the least work are most active.
31156 -- Leonardo da Vinci
31158 Men of quality are not afraid of women for equality.
31160 Men often believe -- or pretend -- that the "Law" is something sacred, or
31161 at least a science -- an unfounded assumption very convenient to governments.
31163 Men ought to know that from the brain and from the brain only arise our
31164 pleasures, joys, laughter, and jests as well as our sorrows, pains, griefs
31165 and tears. ... It is the same thing which makes us mad or delirious,
31166 inspires us with dread and fear, whether by night or by day, brings us
31167 sleeplessness, inopportune mistakes, aimless anxieties, absent-mindedness
31168 and acts that are contrary to habit...
31169 -- Hippocrates "The Sacred Disease"
31171 Men say of women what pleases them; women do with men what pleases them.
31174 Men seldom show dimples to girls who have pimples.
31176 Men still remember the first kiss after women have forgotten the last.
31178 Men take only their needs into consideration -- never their abilities.
31179 -- Napoleon Bonaparte
31181 Men use thought only to justify their wrong doings,
31182 and speech only to conceal their thoughts.
31185 Men were real men, women were real women, and small, furry creatures
31186 from Alpha Centauri were REAL small, furry creatures from Alpha Centauri.
31187 Spirits were brave, men boldly split infinitives that no man had split
31188 before. Thus was the Empire forged.
31189 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
31191 Men who cherish for women the highest
31192 respect are seldom popular with them.
31195 Mencken and Nathan's Second Law of The Average American:
31196 All the postmasters in small towns read all the postcards.
31198 Mencken and Nathan's Ninth Law of The Average American:
31199 The quality of a champagne is judged by the
31200 amount of noise the cork makes when it is popped.
31202 Mencken and Nathan's Fifteenth Law of The Average American:
31203 The worst actress in the company is always the manager's wife.
31205 Mencken and Nathan's Sixteenth Law of The Average American:
31206 Milking a cow is an operation demanding a special talent that
31207 is possessed only by yokels, and no person born in a large city
31208 can ever hope to acquire it.
31210 Mene, mene, tekel, upharsen.
31212 Mental power tended to corrupt, and absolute intelligence tended to
31213 corrupt absolutely, until the victim eschewed violence entirely in
31214 favor of smart solutions to stupid problems.
31217 Mental things which have not gone in through the
31218 senses are vain and bring forth no truth except detrimental.
31222 A list of dishes which the restaurant has just run out of.
31225 There's never time to do it right, but there's always time to
31228 Message from Our Sponsor on ttyTV at 13:58 ...
31230 Message will arrive in the mail.
31231 Destroy, before the FBI sees it.
31234 One who doubts the established fact that it is
31235 bound to rain if you forget your umbrella.
31237 Metermaids eat their young.
31239 Mickey Mouse wears a Spiro Agnew watch.
31245 Never trust a computer bigger than you can lift.
31247 Microbiology Lab: Staph Only!
31249 Microwaves frizz your heir.
31251 Mieux vaut tard que jamais!
31253 Might as well be frank, monsieur. It would take a miracle to
31254 get you out of Casablanca and the Germans have outlawed miracles.
31258 If a string has one end, then it has another end.
31260 Militant agnostic: I don't know, and you don't either.
31262 Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
31265 Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
31269 Lose a few, lose a few.
31272 The amount of beauty required to launch one ship.
31274 Millions long for immortality who do not know what
31275 to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.
31278 Millions of sensible people are too high-minded to concede that politics is
31279 almost always the choice of the lesser evil. "Tweedledum and Tweedledee,"
31280 they say. "I will not vote." Having abstained, they are presented with a
31281 President who appoints the people who are going to rummage around in their
31282 lives for the next four years. Consider all the people who sat home in a
31283 stew in 1968 rather than vote for Hubert Humphrey. They showed Humphrey.
31284 Those people who taught Hubert Humphrey a lesson will still be enjoying the
31285 Nixon Supreme Court when Tricia and Julie begin to find silver threads among
31286 the gold and the black.
31287 -- Russel Baker, "Ford without Flummery"
31289 Mind! I don't mean to say that I know, of my own knowledge, what there is
31290 particularly dead about a door-nail. I might have been inclined, myself,
31291 to regard a coffin-nail as the deadest piece of ironmongery in the trade.
31292 But the wisdom of our ancestors is in the simile; and my unhallowed hands
31293 shall not disturb it, or the Country's done for. You will therefore permit
31294 me to repeat, emphatically, that Marley was as dead as a door-nail.
31297 "I don't care if you burst into flames and die!"
31300 "Yes, I'd like to see that, does it come out of your ears or what?"
31302 Mind your own business, Spock.
31303 I'm sick of your halfbreed interference.
31305 Mind your own business, then you don't mind mine.
31308 A computer that can be afforded on the budget of a middle-level
31312 home of the blonde hair and blue ears.
31313 mosquito supplier to the free world.
31314 come fall in love with a loon.
31315 where visitors turn blue with envy.
31316 one day it's warm, the rest of the year it's cold.
31317 land of many cultures -- mostly throat.
31318 where the elite meet sleet.
31319 glove it or leave it.
31320 many are cold, but few are frozen.
31321 land of the ski and home of the crazed.
31322 land of 10,000 Petersons.
31324 Minnie Mouse is a slow maze learner.
31327 Meaningless Indicator of Processor Speed
31329 Mirrors should reflect a little before throwing back images.
31332 Misery loves company, but company does not reciprocate.
31334 Misery no longer loves company.
31335 Nowadays it insists on it.
31339 The kind of fortune that never misses.
31341 Misfortunes arrive on wings and leave on foot.
31344 A title with which we brand unmarried
31345 women to indicate that they are in the market.
31347 Mistakes are oft the stepping stones to utter failure.
31349 Mistrust first impulses; they are always right.
31352 The Georgia Tech of the North
31354 Mitchell's Law of Committees:
31355 Any simple problem can be made insoluble
31356 if enough meetings are held to discuss it.
31359 A ballplayer who looks into his glove after missing the ball, as
31360 if, somehow, the cause of the error lies there.
31361 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
31363 Mix a little foolishness with your serious plans;
31364 it's lovely to be silly at the right moment.
31368 Watching a bus-load of lawyers plunge off a cliff.
31369 With five empty seats.
31372 There is nothing more permanent than a temporary building.
31373 There is nothing more permanent than a temporary tax.
31375 Mobius strippers never show you their back side.
31377 MOCK APPLE PIE (No Apples Needed)
31379 Pastry to two crust 9-inch pie 36 RITZ Crackers
31380 2 cups water 2 cups sugar
31381 2 teaspoons cream of tartar 2 tablespoons lemon juice
31382 Grated rind of one lemon Butter or margarine
31385 Roll out bottom crust of pastry and fit into 9-inch pie plate. Break
31386 RITZ Crackers coarsley into pastry-lined plate. Combine water, sugar
31387 and cream of tartar in saucepan, boil gently for 15 minutes. Add lemon
31388 juice and rind. Cool. Pour this syrup over Crackers, dot generously
31389 with butter or margarine and sprinkle with cinnamon. Cover with top
31390 crust. Trim and flute edges together. Cut slits in top crust to let
31391 steam escape. Bake in a hot oven (425 F) 30 to 35 minutes, until crust
31392 is crisp and golden. Serve warm. Cut into 6 to 8 slices.
31393 -- Found lurking on a Ritz Crackers box
31395 Modeling paged and segmented memories is tricky business.
31399 Up-to-date, new-fangled, as in "Thoroughly Modem Millie." An
31400 unfortunate byproduct of kerning.
31402 Moderation in all things.
31403 -- Publius Terentius Afer [Terence]
31405 Moderation is a fatal thing. Nothing succeeds like excess.
31408 Modern art is what happens when painters stop looking at girls and persuade
31409 themselves that they have a better idea.
31412 Modern man is the missing link between apes and human beings.
31414 Modern psychology takes completely for granted that behavior and neural
31415 function are perfectly correlated, that one is completely caused by the
31416 other. There is no separate soul or lifeforce to stick a finger into the
31417 brain now and then and make neural cells do what they would not otherwise.
31418 Actually, of course, this is a working assumption only. ... It is quite
31419 conceivable that someday the assumption will have to be rejected. But it
31420 is important also to see that we have not reached that day yet: the working
31421 assumption is a necessary one and there is no real evidence opposed to it.
31422 Our failure to solve a problem so far does not make it insoluble. One cannot
31423 logically be a determinist in physics and biology, and a mystic in psychology.
31424 -- D.O. Hebb, "Organization of Behavior: A Neuropsychological
31428 Being comfortable that others will discover your greatness.
31430 Modesty is a vastly overrated virtue.
31433 Modesty: the gentle art of enhancing your charm by pretending
31434 not to be aware of it.
31437 Moe: Wanna play poker tonight?
31438 Joe: I can't. It's the kids' night out.
31440 Joe: I gotta stay home with the nurse.
31442 Moe: What did you give your wife for Valentine's Day?
31443 Joe: The usual gift -- she ate my heart out.
31445 Moebius always does it on the same side.
31447 Mohandas K. Gandhi often changed his mind publicly. An aide once asked him
31448 how he could so freely contradict this week what he had said just last week.
31449 The great man replied that it was because this week he knew better.
31451 Moishe Margolies, who weighed all of 105 pounds and stood an even five feet
31452 in his socks, was taking his first airplane trip. He took a seat next to a
31453 hulking bruiser of a man who happened to be the heavyweight champion of
31454 the world. Little Moishe was uneasy enough before he even entered the plane,
31455 but now the roar of the engines and the great height absolutely terrified him.
31456 So frightened did he become that his stomach turned over and he threw up all
31457 over the muscular giant siting beside him. Fortunately, at least for Moishe,
31458 the man was sound asleep. But now the little man had another problem. How in
31459 the world would he ever explain the situation to the burly brute when he
31460 awakened? The sudden voice of the stewardess on the plane's intercom, finally
31461 woke the bruiser, and Moishe, his heart in his mouth, rose to the occasion.
31462 "Feeling better now?" he asked solicitously.
31465 The ultimate, indivisible unit of matter. It is distinguished from
31466 the corpuscle, also the ultimate, indivisible unit of matter, by a
31467 closer resemblance to the atom, also the ultimate, indivisible unit
31468 of matter... The ion differs from the molecule, the corpuscle and
31469 the atom in that it is an ion...
31471 Mollison's Bureaucracy Hypothesis:
31472 If an idea can survive a bureaucratic review
31473 and be implemented it wasn't worth doing.
31476 What you give a person when they are going away.
31478 Mommy, what happens to your files when you die?
31481 When they finally do have to take you to the
31482 hospital, your underwear won't be clean or new.
31485 In Christian countries, the day after the football game.
31488 Monday is an awful way to spend one seventh of your life.
31490 Money and women are the most sought after and the least known of any two
31492 -- The Best of Will Rogers
31494 Money cannot buy love, nor even friendship.
31498 but is excellent kindling.
31500 To the man-in-the-street, who, I'm sorry to say,
31501 Is a keen observer of life,
31502 The word intellectual suggests right away
31503 A man who's untrue to his wife.
31504 -- W.H. Auden, "Collected Shorter Poems"
31506 Money can't buy happiness, but it can make you
31507 awfully comfortable while you're being miserable.
31510 Money can't buy love, but it improves your bargaining position.
31511 -- Christopher Marlowe
31513 Money doesn't talk, it swears.
31516 Money is a powerful aphrodisiac. But flowers work almost as well.
31519 Money is its own reward.
31521 Money is the root of all evil, and man needs roots.
31523 Money is the root of all wealth.
31525 Money is truthful. If a man speaks of his honor, make him pay cash.
31528 Money isn't everything -- but it's a long way ahead of what comes next.
31529 -- Sir Edmond Stockdale
31531 Money may buy friendship but money cannot buy love.
31533 Money may not buy happiness, but it sure
31534 puts you in a great bargaining position.
31536 Money will say more in one moment than
31537 the most eloquent lover can in years.
31539 Moneyliness is next to Godliness.
31542 Monogamy is the Western custom of one wife and hardly any mistresses.
31546 Marriage to one woman at a time.
31549 A grizzly bear praying for the early arrival of cable television.
31552 Where forty-three below keeps out the riff-raff.
31554 Monterey... is decidedly the pleasantest and most civilized-looking place
31555 in California ... [it] is also a great place for cock-fighting, gambling
31556 of all sorts, fandangos, and various kinds of amusements and knavery.
31557 -- Richard Henry Dama, "Two Years Before the Mast", 1840
31560 1. A celestial object whose phase is very important to
31561 hackers. See PHASE OF THE MOON. 2. Dave Moon (MOON@MC).
31564 Everybody sets out to do something, and everybody
31565 does something, but no one does what he sets out to do.
31568 Fear of being verbally abused by a Mississippian.
31570 More are taken in by hope than by cunning.
31573 More people are flattered into virtue than bullied out of vice.
31576 More people died at Chappaquidick than at 3-mile island.
31578 More people have died in Ted Kennedy's car than in nuclear power plants.
31580 MORE SPORTS RESULTS:
31581 The Beverly Hills Freudians tied the Chicago Rogerians 0-0 last Saturday
31582 night. The match started with a long period of silence while the Freudians
31583 waited for the Rogerians to free associate and the Rogerians waited for
31584 the Freudians to say something they could paraphrase. The stalemate was
31585 broken when the Freudians' best player took the offensive and interpreted
31586 the Rogerians' silence as reflecting their anal-retentive personalities.
31587 At this the Rogerians' star player said "I hear you saying you think we're
31588 full of ka-ka." This started a fight and the match was called by officials.
31590 More than any time in history, mankind now faces a crossroads. One path
31591 leads to despair and utter hopelessness, the other to total extinction.
31592 Let us pray that we have the wisdom to choose correctly.
31593 -- Woody Allen, "Side Effects"
31595 Morris had been down on his luck for months, and, though not a devoutly
31596 religious man, had begun to visit the local synagogue to ask God's help.
31597 One week, out of desperation, he prayed, "God, I've been a good and decent
31598 man all my life. Would it be so terrible if You let me win the lottery
31600 The despondent fellow returned week after week. One day, Morris,
31601 nearly hopeless now, prayed, "God, I've never asked You for anything before.
31602 I just want to win one little lottery."
31603 "As he dejectedly rose to leave, God's voice boomed, "Morris, at
31604 least meet Me halfway on this. Buy a ticket!"
31607 If rats are experimented upon, they will develop cancer.
31609 Mos Eisley Spaceport; you'll not find a more
31610 wretched collection of villainy and disreputable types...
31611 -- Obi-wan Kenobi, "Star Wars"
31613 Mosher's Law of Software Engineering:
31614 Don't worry if it doesn't work right.
31615 If everything did, you'd be out of a job.
31618 The state bird of New Jersey.
31620 Most burning issues generate far more heat than light.
31622 Most folks they like the daytime,
31623 'cause they like to see the shining sun.
31624 They're up in the morning,
31625 off and a-running till they're too tired for having fun.
31626 But when the sun goes down,
31627 and the bright lights shine, my daytime has just begun.
31629 Now there are two sides to this great big world,
31630 and one of them is always night.
31631 If you can take care of business in the sunshine, baby,
31632 I guess you're gonna be all right.
31633 Don't come looking for me to lend you a hand.
31634 My eyes just can't stand the light.
31636 'Cause I'm a night owl honey, sleep all day long.
31639 Most general statements are false, including this one.
31642 Most of our lives are about proving something,
31643 either to ourselves or to someone else.
31645 Most of the fear that spoils our life comes from attacking
31646 difficulties before we get to them.
31649 ...most of us learned about love the hard way. Even warnings are probably
31650 useless, for somehow, despite the severest warnings of parents and friends,
31651 hundreds, thousands of women have forgotten themselves at the last minute
31652 and succumbed to the lies, promises, flatteries, or mere attentions of
31653 lusting, lovely men, landing themselves in complicated predicaments from
31654 which some of them never recovered during their entire lives. And I am not
31655 speaking only of your teenaged Midwesterners in 1958; I'm speaking of women
31656 of every age in every city in every year. The notorious sexual revolution
31657 has saved no one from the pain and confusion of love.
31658 -- Alix Kates Shulman
31660 Most of your faults are not your fault.
31662 Most people are too busy to have time for anything important.
31664 Most people are unable to write because they are unable to think, and
31665 they are unable to think because they congenitally lack the equipment
31666 to do so, just as they congenitally lack the equipment to fly over the
31670 Most people can do without the essentials, but not without the luxuries.
31672 Most people deserve each other.
31675 Most people don't need a great deal of love
31676 nearly so much as they need a steady supply.
31678 Most people eat as though they were fattening themselves for market.
31681 Most people feel that everyone is entitled to their opinion.
31683 Most people have a furious itch to talk about themselves and are restrained
31684 only by the disinclination of others to listen. Reserve is an artificial
31685 quality that is developed in most of us as the result of innumerable rebuffs.
31688 Most people have a mind that's open by appointment only.
31690 Most people have two reasons for doing anything --
31691 a good reason, and the real reason.
31693 Most people in this society who aren't actively mad are,
31694 at best, reformed or potential lunatics.
31697 Most people need some of their problems
31698 to help take their mind off some of the others.
31700 Most people prefer certainty to truth.
31702 Most people want either less corruption
31703 or more of a chance to participate in it.
31705 Most people will listen to your unreasonable demands,
31706 if you'll consider their unacceptable offer.
31708 Most people's favorite way to end a game is by winning.
31710 Most public domain software is free, at least at first glance.
31712 Most rock journalism is people who can't write interviewing people who
31713 can't talk for people who can't read.
31716 Most seminars have a happy ending. Everyone's glad when they're over.
31718 Most Texans think Hanukkah is some sort of duck call.
31724 Mother Earth is not flat!
31726 Mother said there would be days like this, but she never said that
31727 there would be so many.
31729 Mother said there would be days like this, but she never said there
31732 Mother told me to be good but she's been wrong before.
31734 Mothers all want their sons to grow up to be President, but they
31735 don't want them to become politicians in the process.
31738 Mothers of large families (who claim to common sense)
31739 Will find a Tiger will repay the trouble and expense.
31740 -- Hilaire Belloc, "The Tiger"
31742 Mount St. Helens should have used earth control.
31744 MOUNT TAPE U1439 ON B3, NO RING
31746 Mountain Dew and doughnuts... because breakfast is the most important meal
31750 The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant; the
31751 population is growing.
31753 Mr. Rockford? This is Betty Joe Withers. I got four shirts of yours from
31754 the Bo Peep Cleaners by mistake. I don't know why they gave me men's
31755 shirts but they're going back.
31757 Mr. Rockford? You don't know me, but I'd like to hire you. Could
31758 you call me at... My name is... uh... Never mind, forget it!
31760 Mr. Rockford; Miss Collins from the Bureau of Licenses. We got your
31761 renewal before the extended deadline but not your check. I'm sorry but
31762 at midnight you're no longer licensed as an investigator.
31764 Mr. Rockford, this is the Thomas Crown School of Dance and Contemporary
31765 Etiquette. We aren't going to call again! Now you want these free
31768 Mr. Salter's side of the conversation was limited to expressions of assent.
31769 When Lord Copper was right he said "Definitely, Lord Copper"; when he was
31770 wrong, "Up to a point."
31771 "Let me see, what's the name of the place I mean? Capital of Japan?
31772 Yokohama isn't it?"
31773 "Up to a point, Lord Copper."
31774 "And Hong Kong definitely belongs to us, doesn't it?"
31775 "Definitely, Lord Copper."
31776 -- Evelyn Waugh, "Scoop"
31778 MSDOS is not dead, it just smells that way.
31781 Much as they like to persuade us differently, lawyers are simply hired
31782 consultants, and at some point you time them out.
31785 Much of the excitement we get out of our work
31786 is that we don't really know what we are doing.
31787 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
31789 Much to his Mum and Dad's dismay, Horace ate himself one day.
31790 He didn't stop to say his grace, he just sat down and ate his face.
31791 "We can't have this!" his Dad declared, "If that lad's ate, he should
31793 But even as he spoke they saw Horace eating more and more:
31794 First his legs and then his thighs, his arms, his nose, his hair, his eyes...
31795 "Stop him someone!" Mother cried, "Those eyeballs would be better fried!"
31796 But all too late, for they were gone, and he had started on his dong...
31797 "Oh! foolish child!" the father mourns "You could have deep-fried that
31799 Some parsley and and some tartar sauce..."
31800 But H. was on his second course: his liver and his lights and lung,
31801 His ears, his neck, his chin, his tongue; "To think I raised him from the cot,
31802 And now he's going to scoff the lot!"
31803 His Mother cried: "What shall we do? What's left won't even make a stew..."
31804 And as she wept, her son was seen, to eat his head, his heart his spleen.
31805 and there he lay: a boy no more, just a stomach on the floor...
31806 None the less, since it *was* his, they ate it -- that's what haggis is.
31808 Multics is security spelled sideways.
31810 "Multiply in your head" (ordered the compassionate Dr. Adams) "365,365,365,
31811 365,365,365 by 365,365,365,365,365,365". He [ten-year-old Truman Henry
31812 Safford] flew around the room like a top, pulled his pantaloons over the
31813 tops of his boots, bit his hands, rolled his eyes in their sockets, sometimes
31814 smiling and talking, and then seeming to be in an agony, until, in not more
31815 than one minute, said he, 133,491,850,208,566,925,016,658,299,941,583,225!"
31816 An electronic computer might do the job a little faster but it wouldn't be
31817 as much fun to watch.
31818 -- James R. Newman, "The World of Mathematics"
31821 An Egyptian who was pressed for time.
31823 Mummy dust to make me old;
31824 To shroud my clothes, the black of night;
31825 To age my voice, an old hag's cackle;
31826 To whiten my hair, a scream of fright;
31827 A blast of wind to fan my hate;
31828 A thunderbolt to mix it well --
31829 Now begin thy magic spell!
31830 -- The Evil Queen, "Snow White"
31832 Mummy dust to make me old;
31833 To shroud my clothes, the black of night;
31834 To age my voice, an old hag's cackle;
31835 To whiten my hair, a scream of fright;
31836 A blast of wind to fan my hate;
31837 A thunderbolt to mix it well --
31838 Now begin thy magic spell!
31839 -- Walter Disney, "Snow White"
31842 -- Miguel de Cervantes
31844 Mundus vult decipi decipiatur ergo.
31845 -- Xaviera Hollander
31847 [The world wants to be cheated, so cheat.]
31849 Murder is always a mistake -- one should never do anything one cannot
31850 talk about after dinner.
31851 -- Oscar Wilde, "The Picture of Dorian Gray"
31853 Murphy was an optimist.
31855 Murphy's Law is recursive. Washing your car to make it rain doesn't work.
31857 Murphy's Law of Research:
31858 Enough research will tend to support your theory.
31860 Murphy's Law, that brash proletarian restatement of Godel's Theorem.
31861 -- Thomas Pynchon, "Gravity's Rainbow"
31864 (1) If anything can go wrong, it will.
31865 (2) Nothing is as easy as it looks.
31866 (3) Everything takes longer than you think it will.
31869 Any country with "democratic" in the title isn't.
31871 Music in the soul can be heard by the universe.
31874 Must be getting close to town -- we're hitting more people.
31876 Must I hold a candle to my shames?
31877 -- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"
31880 Any item of food that has been sitting in the
31881 refrigerator so long it has become a science project.
31882 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
31884 My advice to you, my violent friend, is to seek out gold and sit on it.
31885 -- The Dragon to Grendel, in John Gardner's "Grendel"
31887 My analyst told me that I was right out of my head,
31888 But I said, "Dear Doctor, I think that it is you instead.
31889 Because I have got a thing that is unique and new,
31890 To prove it I'll have the last laugh on you.
31891 'Cause instead of one head -- I've got two.
31893 And you know two heads are better than one.
31895 My best argument against discrimination is quite simple:
31897 Does it really matter if the ABC people are inferior to the DEF people if
31898 they can tell one end of a gun from the other?
31900 My Bonnie looked into a gas tank,
31901 The height of its contents to see!
31902 She lit a small match to assist her,
31903 Oh, bring back my Bonnie to me.
31905 My boy is mean kid. I came home the other day and saw him taping worms
31906 to the sidewalk, he sits there and watches the birds get hernias. Well,
31907 only last Christmas I gave him a B-B gun and he gave me a sweatshirt with
31908 a bulls-eye on the back.
31910 I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own." One of them
31911 said, "So will you."
31912 -- Rodney Dangerfield
31914 My brain is my second favorite organ.
31917 My brother sent me a postcard the other day with this big sattelite photo
31918 of the entire earth on it. On the back it said: "Wish you were here".
31921 My calculator is my shepherd, I shall not want
31922 It maketh me accurate to ten significant figures,
31923 and it leadeth me in scientific notation to 99 digits.
31924 It restoreth my square roots and guideth me along paths of floating
31925 decimal points for the sake of precision.
31926 Yea, tho I walk through the valley of surprise quizzes,
31927 I will fear no prof, for my calculator is there to hearten me.
31928 It prepareth a log table to comfort me, it prepareth an
31929 arc sin for me in the presence of my teachers.
31930 It annoints my homework with correct solutions, my interpolations are
31932 Surely, both precision and accuracy shall follow me all the days of my
31933 life, and I shall dwell in the house of Texas instruments forever.
31935 My central memory of that time seems to hang on one or five or maybe forty
31936 nights -- or very early mornings -- when I left the Fillmore half-crazy and,
31937 instead of going home, aimed the big 650 Lightning across the Bay Bridge at
31938 a hundred miles an hour ... booming through the Treasure Island tunnel at
31939 the lights of Oakland and Berkeley and Richmond, not quite sure which
31940 turnoff to take when I got to the other end ... but being absolutely certain
31941 that no matter which way I went I would come to a place where people were
31942 just as high and wild as I was: no doubt at all about that.
31943 -- Hunter S. Thompson
31945 "My country, right or wrong" is a thing that no patriot would think
31946 of saying, except in a desperate case. It is like saying "My mother,
31948 -- G.K. Chesterton, "The Defendant"
31950 "My country right or wrong" is like saying, "My mother drunk or
31954 My cup hath runneth'd over with love.
31956 My darling wife was always glum.
31957 I drowned her in a cask of rum,
31958 And so made sure that she would stay
31959 In better spirits night and day.
31961 My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four.
31962 Unless there are three other people.
31965 My doctorate's in Literature, but it seems like a pretty good pulse to me.
31967 My experience with government is when things are non-controversial,
31968 beautifully co-ordinated and all the rest, it must be that not much
31972 My family history begins with me, but yours ends with you.
31975 My father, a good man, told me, "Never lose
31976 your ignorance; you cannot replace it."
31977 -- Erich Maria Remarque
31979 My father taught me three things:
31980 1: Never mix whiskey with anything but water.
31981 2: Never try to draw to an inside straight.
31982 3: Never discuss business with anyone who refuses to give his name.
31984 My father was a God-fearing man, but he never
31985 missed a copy of the New York Times, either.
31988 My father was a saint, I'm not.
31991 My favorite sandwich is peanut butter, baloney, cheddar cheese, lettuce
31992 and mayonnaise on toasted bread with catsup on the side.
31993 -- Senator Hubert Humphrey
31995 My first basename is George "Catfish" Metkovich from our 1952 Pittsburgh
31996 Pirates team, which lost 112 games. After a terrible series against the
31997 New York Giants, in which our center fielder made three throwing errors
31998 and let two balls get through his legs, manager Billy Meyer pleaded, "Can
31999 somebody think of something to help us win a game?"
32000 "I'd like to make a suggestion," Metkovich said. "On any ball hit
32001 to center field, let's just let it roll to see if it might go foul."
32002 -- Joe Garagiola, "It's Anybody's Ball Game"
32004 My folks didn't come over on the Mayflower,
32005 but they were there to meet the boat.
32007 My friend has a baby. I'm writing down all the noises he makes so
32008 later I can ask him what he meant.
32011 My geometry teacher was sometimes acute, and sometimes obtuse,
32012 but always, always, he was right.
32014 My girlfriend and I sure had a good time at the beach last summer. First
32015 she'd bury me in the sand, then I'd bury her. This summer I'm going to go
32016 back and dig her up.
32018 "My God! Are we sure he was a liberal?"
32019 "Pretty sure. They pulled him from a Volvo."
32021 My God, I'm depressed! Here I am, a computer with a mind a thousand times
32022 as powerful as yours, doing nothing but cranking out fortunes and sending
32023 mail about softball games. And I've got this pain right through my ALU.
32024 I've asked for it to be replaced, but nobody ever listens. I think it
32025 would be better for us both if you were to just log out again.
32027 My, how you've changed since I've changed.
32029 My idea of roughing it is when room service is late.
32031 My idea of roughing it turning the air conditioner too low.
32033 My interest is in the future because I am
32034 going to spend the rest of my life there.
32036 My love, he's mad, and my love, he's fleet,
32037 And a wild young wood-thing bore him!
32038 The ways are fair to his roaming feet,
32039 And the skies are sunlit for him.
32040 As sharply sweet to my heart he seems
32041 As the fragrance of acacia.
32042 My own dear love, he is all my dreams --
32043 And I wish he were in Asia.
32044 -- Dorothy Parker, part 2
32046 My love runs by like a day in June,
32047 And he makes no friends of sorrows.
32048 He'll tread his galloping rigadoon
32049 In the pathway or the morrows.
32050 He'll live his days where the sunbeams start
32051 Nor could storm or wind uproot him.
32052 My own dear love, he is all my heart --
32053 And I wish somebody'd shoot him.
32054 -- Dorothy Parker, part 3
32056 My method is to take the utmost trouble to find the right
32057 thing to say. And then say it with the utmost levity.
32060 My mind can never know my body, although
32061 it has become quite friendly with my legs.
32062 -- Woody Allen, on Epistemology
32064 My mother drinks to forget she drinks.
32067 My mother loved children -- she would
32068 have given anything if I had been one.
32071 My mother once said to me, "Elwood," (she always called me Elwood)
32072 "Elwood, in this world you must be oh so smart or oh so pleasant."
32073 For years I tried smart. I recommend pleasant.
32074 -- Elwood P. Dowde, "Harvey"
32076 My mother wants grandchildren, so I said, "Mom, go for it!"
32080 Rock and roll is here to stay The king is gone but he's not forgotten
32081 It's better to burn out This is the story of a Johnny Rotten
32082 Than to fade away It's better to burn out than it is to rust
32083 My my, hey hey The king is gone but he's not forgotten
32085 It's out of the blue and into the black Hey hey, my my
32086 They give you this, but you pay for that Rock and roll can never die
32087 And once you're gone you can never come back There's more to the picture
32088 When you're out of the blue Than meets the eye
32091 "My My, Hey Hey (Out of the Blue), Rust Never Sleeps"
32093 My notion of a husband at forty is that a woman should
32094 be able to change him, like a bank note, for two twenties.
32096 My only love sprung from my only hate!
32097 Too early seen unknown, and known too late!
32098 -- William Shakespeare, "Romeo and Juliet"
32100 My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
32102 My own business always bores me to death; I prefer other people's.
32105 My own dear love, he is strong and bold
32106 And he cares not what comes after.
32107 His words ring sweet as a chime of gold,
32108 And his eyes are lit with laughter.
32109 He is jubilant as a flag unfurled --
32110 Oh, a girl, she'd not forget him.
32111 My own dear love, he is all my world --
32112 And I wish I'd never met him.
32113 -- Dorothy Parker, part 1
32115 My own life has been spent chronicling the rise and fall of human systems,
32116 and I am convinced that we are terribly vulnerable. ... We should be
32117 reluctant to turn back upon the frontier of this epoch. Space is indifferent
32118 to what we do; it has no feeling, no design, no interest in whether or not
32119 we grapple with it. But we cannot be indifferent to space, because the grand,
32120 slow march of intelligence has brought us, in our generation, to a point
32121 from which we can explore and understand and utilize it. To turn back now
32122 would be to deny our history, our capabilities.
32123 -- James A. Michener
32125 "My pants just went on a wild rampage through a Long Island Bowling Alley!!"
32126 -- Zippy the Pinhead
32128 My parents went to Niagra Falls and all I got was this crummy life.
32130 My pen is at the bottom of a page,
32131 Which, being finished, here the story ends;
32132 'Tis to be wished it had been sooner done,
32133 But stories somehow lengthen when begun.
32136 My philosophy is: Don't think.
32139 My problem lies in reconciling my gross habits with my net income.
32142 Any man who has $10,000 left when he dies is a failure.
32145 My rackets are run on strictly American
32146 lines, and they're going to stay that way.
32149 My religion consists of a humble admiration of the illimitable superior
32150 spirit who reveals himself in the slight details we are able to perceive
32151 with our frail and feeble mind.
32154 My ritual differs slightly. What I do, first thing [in the morning], is I
32155 hop into the shower stall. Then I hop right back out, because when I hopped
32156 in I landed barefoot right on top of See Threepio, a little plastic robot
32157 character from "Star Wars" whom my son, Robert, likes to pull the legs off
32158 of while he showers. Then I hop right back into the stall because our dog,
32159 Earnest, who has been alone in the basement all night building up powerful
32160 dog emotions, has come bounding and quivering into the bathroom and wants
32161 to greet me with 60 or 70 thousand playful nips, any one of which -- bear
32162 in mind that I am naked and, without my contact lenses, essentially blind
32163 -- could result in the kind of injury where you have to learn a whole new
32164 part if you want to sing the "Messiah," if you get my drift. Then I hop
32165 right back out, because Robert, with that uncanny sixth sense some children
32166 have -- you cannot teach it; they either have it or they don't -- has chosen
32167 exactly that moment to flush one of the toilets. Perhaps several of them.
32170 My schoolmates would make love to anything that moved, but I never saw any
32171 reason to limit myself.
32174 My sister opened a computer store in Hawaii.
32175 She sells C shells by the seashore.
32177 My soul is crushed, my spirit sore
32178 I do not like me anymore,
32179 I cavil, quarrel, grumble, grouse,
32180 I ponder on the narrow house
32181 I shudder at the thought of men
32182 I'm due to fall in love again.
32183 -- Dorothy Parker, "Enough Rope"
32185 My theology, briefly, is that the universe was dictated but not signed.
32186 -- Christopher Morley
32188 My uncle was the town drunk -- and we lived in Chicago.
32191 My way of joking is to tell the truth.
32192 That's the funniest joke in the world.
32195 My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies.
32197 Mystics always hope that science will some day overtake them.
32198 -- Booth Tarkington
32201 The body of a primitive people's beliefs, concerning its origin,
32202 early history, heroes, deities and so forth, as distinguished
32203 from the true accounts which it invents later.
32204 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
32206 Naches (rhymes with Bach' us, with "Bach" pronounced like the composer)
32207 is what every Jewish parent wants from their children, lots of good
32208 returns, good grades, good spouse, good grandchildren.
32210 So, now that you all understand naches, the joke:
32212 Two Jewish women are sitting having coffee.
32213 "So, how's your daughter?"
32214 "Oh, Rachel! She's fine, she just married a dentist!"
32215 "Really? Isn't she the one that married the lawyer?"
32216 "Yes, that's my Rachel."
32217 "That's... that's nice. But isn't she the same one that married
32220 "But didn't she marry a bank executive before that?"
32222 "Ahhh. So much naches from one child!"
32225 When it comes to foreign food, the less authentic the better.
32228 Nadia Comaneci, simple perfection.
32231 'Naomi, sex at noon taxes.' I moan.
32233 A man, a plan, a canal, Panama.
32235 Sit on a potato pan, Otis.
32236 -- The Mad Palindromist
32239 The contagious action of yawning, causing everyone in sight
32241 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
32243 Nasrudin called at a large house to collect for charity. The servant said
32244 "My master is out." Nasrudin replied, "Tell your master that next time he
32245 goes out, he should not leave his face at the window. Someone might steal
32248 Nasrudin returned to his village from the imperial capital, and the villagers
32249 gathered around to hear what had passed. "At this time," said Nasrudin, "I
32250 only want to say that the King spoke to me." All the villagers but the
32251 stupidest ran off to spread the wonderful news. The remaining villager
32252 asked, "What did the King say to you?" "What he said -- and quite distinctly,
32253 for everyone to hear -- was 'Get out of my way!'" The simpleton was overjoyed;
32254 he had heard words actually spoken by the King, and seen the very man they
32257 Nasrudin walked into a shop one day, and the owner came forward to serve
32258 him. Nasrudin said, "First things first. Did you see me walk into your
32261 "Have you ever seen me before?"
32263 "Then how do you know it was me?"
32265 Nasrudin walked into a teahouse and declaimed, "The moon is more useful
32267 "Why?", he was asked.
32268 "Because at night we need the light more."
32270 Nasrudin was carrying home a piece of liver and the recipe for liver pie.
32271 Suddenly a bird of prey swooped down and snatched the piece of meat from
32272 his hand. As the bird flew off, Nasrudin called after it, "Foolish bird!
32273 You have the liver, but what can you do with it without the recipe?"
32275 National security is in your hands - guard it well.
32277 Natural laws have no pity.
32279 Naturally the common people don't want war... but after all it is the leaders
32280 of a country who determine the policy, and it is always a simple matter to
32281 drag the people along, whether it is a democracy, or a fascist dictatorship,
32282 or a parliament, or a communist dictatorship. Voice or no voice, the people
32283 can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you
32284 have to do is tell them they are being attacked, and denounce the pacifists
32285 for lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same
32289 Nature abhors a hero. For one thing, he violates the law of conservation
32290 of energy. For another, how can it be the survival of the fittest when the
32291 fittest keeps putting himself in situations where he is most likely to be
32295 Nature abhors a virgin -- a frozen asset.
32296 -- Clare Booth Luce
32298 Nature always sides with the hidden flaw.
32300 Nature and nature's laws lay hid in night,
32301 God said, "Let Newton be," and all was light.
32303 It did not last; the devil howling "Ho!
32304 Let Einstein be!" restored the status quo.
32306 Nature has given women so much power that the law has very wisely
32308 -- Dr. Samuel Johnson
32310 Nature is by and large to be found out of doors, a location where,
32311 it cannot be argued, there are never enough comfortable chairs.
32314 Nature makes boys and girls lovely to look upon so they can be
32315 tolerated until they acquire some sense.
32318 Nature to all things fixed the limits fit,
32319 And wisely curbed proud man's pretending wit.
32320 As on the land while here the ocean gains,
32321 In other parts it leaves wide sandy plains;
32322 Thus in the soul while memory prevails,
32323 The solid power of understanding fails;
32324 Where beams of warm imagination play,
32325 The memory's soft figures melt away.
32326 -- Alexander Pope (on runtime bounds checking?)
32328 Nature, to be commanded, must be obeyed.
32331 Near the Studio Jean Cocteau
32332 On the Rue des Ecoles
32335 Every evening I would see him
32336 guiding the dog along
32337 the sidewalk, keeping
32338 a firm grip on the leash
32339 so that the dog wouldn't
32340 run into a passerby
32341 Sometimes the dog would stop
32342 and look up at the sky
32344 noticed me watching the dog
32345 and he said, "Oh, yes,
32347 when the moon is out,
32348 he can feel it on his face"
32351 Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you
32352 want to test a man's character, give him power.
32355 Nearly every complex solution to a programming problem that I
32356 have looked at carefully has turned out to be wrong.
32359 Necessity has no law.
32362 Necessity hath no law.
32365 Necessity is a mother.
32367 "Necessity is the mother of invention" is a silly proverb. "Necessity
32368 is the mother of futile dodges" is much nearer the truth.
32369 -- Alfred North Whitehead
32371 Necessity is the plea for every infringement of human freedom.
32372 It is the argument of tyrants; it is the creed of slaves.
32373 -- William Pitt, 1783
32375 Neckties strangle clear thinking.
32378 Needs are a function of what other people have.
32380 Negative expectations yield negative results.
32381 Positive expectations yield negative results.
32383 Neglect of duty does not cease, by repetition, to be neglect of duty.
32386 Neil Armstrong tripped.
32388 Neither spread the germs of gossip nor encourage others to do so.
32390 Nemo me impune lacessit
32391 [No one provokes me with impunity]
32392 -- Motto of the Crown of Scotland
32395 Plastic pouch worn in breast pocket to keep pens from soiling
32396 clothes. Nerd's position in engineering hierarchy can be
32397 measured by number of pens, grease pencils, and rulers bristling
32401 Melancholia's blue.
32405 Neurotics build castles in the sky,
32406 Psychotics live in them,
32407 And psychiatrists collect the rent.
32409 Neutrinos are into physicists.
32411 Neutrinos have bad breadth.
32414 An explosive device of limited military value because, as
32415 it only destroys people without destroying property, it
32416 must be used in conjunction with bombs that destroy property.
32418 Never accept an invitation from a stranger unless he gives you candy.
32421 Never appeal to a man's "better nature." He may not have one.
32422 Invoking his self-interest gives you more leverage.
32425 Never argue with a fool -- people might not be able to tell the difference.
32427 Never argue with a man who buys ink by the barrel.
32429 Never argue with a woman when she's tired -- or rested.
32431 Never ask the barber if you need a haircut.
32433 Never ask two questions in a business letter. The reply will discuss
32434 the one you are least interested, and say nothing about the other.
32436 Never be afraid to tell the world who you are.
32439 Never be led astray onto the path of virtue.
32441 Never buy from a rich salesman.
32444 Never buy what you do not want
32445 because it is cheap; it will be dear to you.
32446 -- Thomas Jefferson
32448 Never call a man a fool. Borrow from him.
32450 Never count your chickens before they rip your lips off.
32452 Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.
32454 Never do today what you can put off until tomorrow.
32456 Never drink Coca-Cola in a moving elevator. The elevator's motion coupled
32457 with the chemicals in Coke produce hallucinations. People tend to change
32458 into lizards and attack without warning, and large bats usually fly in the
32459 window. (Additionally, you begin to believe that elevators have windows.)
32461 Never drink from your finger bowl -- it contains only water.
32463 Never eat anything bigger than your head.
32465 Never eat at a place called Mom's. Never play cards with a man named Doc.
32466 And never lie down with a woman who's got more troubles than you.
32467 -- Nelson Algren, "What Every Young Man Should Know"
32469 Never eat more than you can lift.
32472 Never, ever lie to someone you love unless you're
32473 absolutely sure they'll never find out the truth.
32475 Never explain. Your friends do not need it
32476 and your enemies will never believe you anyway.
32479 Never face facts; if you do you'll never get up in the morning.
32482 Never forget what a man says to you when he is angry.
32484 Never frighten a small man -- he'll kill you.
32486 Never get into fights with ugly people because they have nothing to lose.
32488 Never give an inch!
32490 Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
32493 Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
32494 -- Phyllis Diller, "Phyllis Diller's Housekeeping Hints"
32496 Never have children, only grandchildren.
32499 Never have so many understood so little about so much.
32502 Never hit a man with glasses; hit him with a baseball bat.
32504 Never insult an alligator until you've crossed the river.
32506 Never invest your money in anything that eats or needs repainting.
32509 Never keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level.
32512 Never kick a man, unless he's down.
32514 Never laugh at live dragons.
32517 Never leave anything to chance;
32518 make sure all your crimes are premeditated.
32520 Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.
32523 Never let someone who says it cannot be done
32524 interrupt the person who is doing it.
32526 Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right.
32527 -- Salvor Hardin, "Foundation"
32529 Never look a gift horse in the mouth.
32532 Never look up when dragons fly overhead.
32534 Never make anything simple and efficient when a
32535 way can be found to make it complex and wonderful.
32537 Never offend people with style when you can offend them with substance.
32538 -- Sam Brown, "The Washington Post", January 26, 1977
32540 Never offend with style when you can offend with substance.
32542 Never pay a compliment as if expecting a receipt.
32544 Never play pool with anyone named "Fats".
32546 Never promise more than you can perform.
32549 Never put off till run-time what you can do at compile-time.
32552 Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid all together.
32554 Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after.
32556 Never raise your hand to your children -- it leaves your midsection
32560 Never reveal your best argument.
32562 Never say "Oops" in an operating room.
32564 Never say you know a man until you have divided an inheritance with him.
32566 Never sleep with a woman whose troubles are worse than your own.
32569 Never speak ill of yourself, your friends will always say enough on
32571 -- Charles-Maurice De Talleyrand
32573 NEVER swerve to hit a lawyer riding a bicycle -- it might be your bicycle.
32575 Never tell. Not if you love your wife ... In fact, if your old lady walks
32576 in on you, deny it. Yeah. Just flat out and she'll believe it: "I'm
32577 tellin' ya. This chick came downstairs with a sign around her neck `Lay
32578 On Top Of Me Or I'll Die'. I didn't know what I was gonna do..."
32581 Never tell people how to do things. Tell them WHAT to
32582 do and they will surprise you with their ingenuity.
32583 -- Gen. George S. Patton, Jr.
32585 Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.
32588 Never trust a child farther than you can throw it.
32590 Never trust a computer you can't repair yourself.
32592 Never trust an automatic pistol or a D.A.'s deal.
32595 Never trust an operating system.
32597 Never trust anybody whose arm is bigger than your leg.
32599 Never trust anyone who says money is no object.
32601 Never try to explain computers to a layman. It's easier to explain
32605 (Note, however, that virgins tend to know a lot about computers.)
32607 Never try to outstubborn a cat.
32610 Never try to teach a pig to sing.
32611 It wastes your time and annoys the pig.
32613 Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes.
32615 Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.
32618 Never use "etc." -- it makes people think there is more where
32619 there is not or that there is not space to list it all, etc.
32621 Never volunteer for anything.
32624 Never worry about theory as long as the
32625 machinery does what it's supposed to do.
32629 Different color from previous model.
32631 New crypt. See /usr/news/crypt.
32633 New England Life, of course. Why?
32635 New England Life, of course. Why do you ask?
32637 New members are urgently needed in the Society
32638 for Prevention of Cruelty to Yourself. Apply within.
32641 Abortions are becoming so popular in some countries that the waiting
32642 time to get one is lengthening rapidly. Experts predict that at this
32643 rate there will soon be an up to a one year wait.
32645 New systems generate new problems.
32647 New Year's Eve is the time of year when a man most feels his
32648 age, and his wife most often reminds him to act it.
32649 -- Webster's Unafraid Dictionary
32651 New York now leads the world's great cities in the number of people around
32652 whom you shouldn't make a sudden move.
32655 New York-- to that tall skyline I come
32656 Flyin' in from London to your door
32657 New York-- lookin' down on Central Park
32658 Where they say you should not wander after dark.
32660 -- Simon and Garfunkle
32662 New York's got the ways and means, just won't let you be.
32665 An "acceptable" level of unemployment means that the
32666 government economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job.
32668 Newman's Discovery:
32669 Your best dreams may not come true;
32670 fortunately, neither will your worst dreams.
32672 Newpaper editors are men who separate the wheat from the chaff, and then
32677 Today the East German pole-vault champion
32678 became the West German pole-vault champion.
32683 Rodney Fenster looked up the shaft of elevator number four at
32684 1700 N. 17th St. this morning to see if the elevator was on its way down.
32687 Newton's Little-Known Seventh Law:
32688 A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.
32690 Next Friday will not be your lucky day.
32691 As a matter of fact, you don't have a lucky day this year.
32693 Nice boy, but about as sharp as a sack of wet mice.
32696 Nice guys don't finish nice.
32698 Nice guys finish last.
32701 Nice guys finish last, but we get to sleep in.
32704 Nice guys get sick.
32706 Nick the Greek's Law of Life:
32707 All things considered, life is 9 to 5 against.
32709 Nietzsche is pietzsche.
32711 Nietzsche is pietzsche, Goethe is murder.
32713 Nietzsche says that we will live the same life, over and over again.
32714 God -- I'll have to sit through the Ice Capades again.
32715 -- Woody Allen, "Hannah and Her Sisters"
32717 Nihilism should commence with oneself.
32719 Niklaus Wirth has lamented that, whereas Europeans pronounce his
32720 name correctly (Ni-klows Virt), Americans invariably mangle it into
32721 (Nick-les Worth). Which is to say that Europeans call him by name,
32722 but Americans call him by value.
32724 Nine megs for the secretaries fair,
32725 Seven megs for the hackers scarce,
32726 Five megs for the grads in smoky lairs,
32727 Three megs for system source;
32729 One disk to rule them all,
32730 One disk to bind them,
32731 One disk to hold the files
32732 And in the darkness grind 'em.
32734 Nine-track tapes and seven-track tapes
32735 And tapes without any tracks;
32736 Stretchy tapes and snarley tapes
32737 And tapes mixed up on the racks --
32738 Take hold of the tape
32739 And pull off the strip,
32740 And then you'll be sure
32741 Your tape drive will skip.
32743 -- Uncle Colonel's Cursory Rhymes
32745 Ninety percent of the politicians give the other ten percent a bad reputation.
32748 Ninety percent of the time things turn out worse than you thought they would.
32749 The other ten percent of the time you had no right to expect that much.
32752 Ninety percent of the time things turn out worse than you thought they
32753 would. The other ten percent of the time you had no right to expect
32757 Ninety-Ninety Rule of Project Schedules:
32758 The first ninety percent of the task takes ninety percent of
32759 the time, and the last ten percent takes the other ninety percent.
32761 Nirvana? That's the place where the powers
32762 that be and their friends hang out.
32765 Nitwit ideas are for emergencies. You use them when you've got nothing
32766 else to try. If they work, they go in the Book. Otherwise you follow
32767 the Book, which is largely a collection of nitwit ideas that worked.
32768 -- Larry Niven, "The Mote in God's Eye"
32770 No act of kindness, no matter how small, is ever wasted.
32773 No amount of careful planning will ever replace dumb luck.
32775 No amount of genius can overcome a preoccupation with detail.
32777 No bird soars too high if he soars with his own wings.
32781 A decision which, viewed through the retrospectoscope,
32782 is "obvious" to those who failed to make it originally.
32784 No character, however upright, is a match for
32785 constantly reiterated attacks, however false.
32786 -- Alexander Hamilton
32788 No Civil War picture ever made a nickel.
32789 -- MGM executive Irving Thalberg to Louis B. Mayer about
32790 film rights to "Gone With the Wind".
32791 Cerf/Navasky, "The Experts Speak"
32795 No discipline is ever requisite to force attendance upon
32796 lectures which are really worth the attending.
32797 -- Adam Smith, "The Wealth of Nations"
32799 No doubt Jack the Ripper excused himself
32800 on the grounds that it was human nature.
32802 No, `Eureka' is Greek for `This bath is too hot.'
32805 No evil can happen to a good man.
32808 No excellent soul is exempt from a mixture of madness.
32811 No extensible language will be universal.
32814 No friendship is so cordial or so delicious as that of girl for girl;
32815 no hatred so intense or immovable as that of woman for woman.
32818 No good deed goes unpunished.
32819 -- Clare Booth Luce
32821 No group of professionals meets except to
32822 conspire against the public at large.
32825 No guest is so welcome in a friend's house that
32826 he will not become a nuisance after three days.
32827 -- Titus Maccius Plautus
32831 No hardware designer should be allowed to produce any piece of hardware
32832 until three software guys have signed off for it.
32835 No, his mind is not for rent
32836 To any god or government.
32837 Always hopeful, yet discontent,
32838 He knows changes aren't permanent -
32841 No house is childproofed unless the little darlings are in straitjackets.
32843 No house should ever be on any hill or on anything.
32844 It should be of the hill, belonging to it.
32845 -- Frank Lloyd Wright
32847 No, I don't have a drinking problem.
32848 I drink, I get drunk, I fall down. No problem!
32850 No, I'm not interested in developing a powerful brain. All I'm after is
32851 just a mediocre brain, something like the president of American Telephone
32852 and Telegraph Company.
32853 -- Alan Turing on the possibilities of a thinking
32856 No is no negative in a woman's mouth.
32859 "No job too big; no fee too big!"
32860 -- Dr. Peter Venkman, "Ghost-busters"
32862 No line available at 300 baud.
32864 No live organism can continue for long to exist sanely under conditions of
32865 absolute reality; even larks and katydids are supposed, by some, to dream.
32866 Hill House, not sane, stood by itself against its hills, holding darkness
32867 within; it had stood so for eighty years and might stand for eighty more.
32868 Within, walls continued upright, bricks met neatly, floors were firm, and
32869 doors were sensibly shut; silence lay steadily against the wood and stone
32870 of Hill House, and whatever walked there, walked alone.
32871 -- Shirley Jackson, "The Haunting of Hill House"
32876 No man can have a reasonable opinion of women until he has long lost
32877 interest in hair restorers.
32880 No man in the world has more courage than the man who can stop after eating
32882 -- Channing Pollock
32884 No man is an Iland, intire of it selfe; every man is a peece of the
32885 Continent, a part of the maine; if a Clod bee washed away by the Sea,
32886 Europe is the lesse, as well as if a Promontorie were, as well as if
32887 a Mannor of thy friends or of thine owne were; any mans death diminishes
32888 me, because I am involved in Mankinde; And therefore never send to know
32889 for whom the bell tolls; It tolls for thee.
32890 -- John Donne, "No Man is an Iland"
32892 No man is an island, but some of us are long peninsulas.
32894 No man is an island if he's on at least one mailing list.
32896 No man is useless who has a friend,
32897 and if we are loved we are indispensable.
32898 -- Robert Louis Stevenson
32900 No man would listen to you talk if he didn't know it was his turn next.
32903 No man's ambition has a right to stand in
32904 the way of performing a simple act of justice.
32907 No Marxist can deny that the interests of socialism are higher
32908 than the interests of the right of nations to self-determination.
32911 No matter how celebrated the beauty of a woman, I would never spend a night
32912 with her. The only celebrity with whom I would share a night is Max Planck.
32913 But he is dead. So I live like a monk, aside from a little self gratification
32917 No matter how cynical you get, it's impossible to keep up.
32919 No matter how much you do you never do enough.
32921 No matter how old a mother is, she watches her middle-aged children for
32922 signs of improvement.
32923 -- Florida Scott-Maxwell
32925 No matter how subtle the wizard, a knife in the shoulder blades will seriously
32928 No matter what happens, there is always someone who knew it would.
32930 No matter where I go, the place is always called "here".
32932 No matter who you are, some scholar can show you
32933 the great idea you had was had by someone before you.
32935 No matther whether th' constitution follows th' flag or not,
32936 th' supreme court follows th' iliction returns.
32939 No modern woman with a grain of sense ever sends little notes to an
32940 unmarried man -- not until she is married, anyway.
32943 No, my friend, the way to have good and safe government, is not to trust it
32944 all to one, but to divide it among the many, distributing to every one exactly
32945 the functions he is competent to. It is by dividing and subdividing these
32946 republics from the national one down through all its subordinations, until it
32947 ends in the administration of every man's farm by himself; by placing under
32948 every one what his own eye may superintend, that all will be done for the best.
32949 -- Thomas Jefferson, to Joseph Cabell, 1816
32951 No one becomes depraved in a moment.
32952 -- Decimus Junius Juvenalis
32954 No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish.
32956 No one can have a higher opinion of him than I have, and I think he's a
32957 dirty little beast.
32960 No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
32961 -- Eleanor Roosevelt
32963 No one can put you down without your full cooperation.
32965 No one gets sick on Wednesdays.
32967 No one knows like a woman how to say
32968 things that are at once gentle and deep.
32971 No one knows what he can do till he tries.
32974 No one regards what is before his feet; we all gaze at the stars.
32977 No one so thoroughly appreciates the value of constructive criticism as the
32978 one who's giving it.
32981 NO OPIUM-SMOKING IN THE ELEVATORS
32982 -- sign in the Rand Hotel, New York, 1907
32984 No pig should go sky diving during monsoon
32985 For this isn't really the norm.
32986 But should a fat swine try to soar like a loon,
32987 So what? Any pork in a storm.
32989 No pig should go sky diving during monsoon,
32990 It's risky enough when the weather is fine.
32991 But to have a pig soar when the monsoon doth roar
32992 Cast even more perils before swine.
32994 No plain fanfold paper could hold that fractal Puff --
32995 He grew so fast no plotting pack could shrink him far enough.
32996 Compiles and simulations grew so quickly tame
32997 And swapped out all their data space when Puff pushed his stack frame.
32999 Puff, he grew so quickly, while others moved like snails
33000 And mini-Puffs would perch themselves on his gigantic tail.
33001 All the student hackers loved that fractal Puff
33002 But DCS did not like Puff, and finally said, "Enough!"
33004 Puff used more resources than DCS could spare.
33005 The operator killed Puff's job -- he didn't seem to care.
33006 A gloom fell on the hackers; it seemed to be the end,
33007 But Puff trapped the exception, and grew from naught again!
33010 Puff the fractal dragon was written in C,
33011 And frolicked while processes switched in mainframe memory.
33012 Puff the fractal dragon was written in C,
33013 And frolicked while processes switched in mainframe memory.
33015 No poet or novelist wishes he was the only one who ever lived, but most of
33016 them wish they were the only one alive, and quite a number fondly believe
33017 their wish has been granted.
33018 -- W.H. Auden, "The Dyer's Hand"
33020 No problem is insoluble in all conceivable circumstances.
33022 No problem is so formidable that you can't just walk away from it.
33024 No problem is so formidable that you can't just walk away from it.
33027 No problem is so large it can't be fit in somewhere.
33029 "No program is perfect,"
33030 They said with a shrug.
33031 "The customer's happy--
33032 What's one little bug?"
33034 But he was determined, Then change two, then three more,
33035 The others went home. As year followed year.
33036 He dug out the flow chart And strangers would comment,
33037 Deserted, alone. "Is that guy still here?"
33039 Night passed into morning. He died at the console
33040 The room was cluttered Of hunger and thirst
33041 With core dumps, source listings. Next day he was buried
33042 "I'm close," he muttered. Face down, nine edge first.
33044 Chain smoking, cold coffee, And his wife through her tears
33045 Logic, deduction. Accepted his fate.
33046 "I've got it!" he cried, Said "He's not really gone,
33047 "Just change one instruction." He's just working late."
33048 -- The Perfect Programmer
33050 No proper program contains an indication which as an operator-applied
33051 occurrence identifies an operator-defining occurrence which as an
33052 indication-applied occurrence identifies an indication-defining occurrence
33053 different from the one identified by the given indication as an
33054 indication-applied occurrence.
33057 No question is so difficult as one to which the answer is obvious.
33059 No rock so hard but that a little wave
33060 May beat admission in a thousand years.
33063 No self-made man ever did such a good job
33064 that some woman didn't want to make some alterations.
33067 No skis take rocks like rental skis!
33069 No small art is it to sleep: it is necessary
33070 for that purpose to keep awake all day.
33073 No snowflake in an avalanche ever feels responsible.
33075 No sooner had Edger Allen Poe
33076 Finished his old Raven,
33077 then he started his Old Crow.
33079 No sooner said than done -- so acts your man of worth.
33082 No spitting on the Bus!
33083 Thank you, The Management.
33085 No television performance takes as much preparation as an off-the-cuff talk.
33088 No two persons ever read the same book.
33091 No use getting too involved in life --
33092 you're only here for a limited time.
33094 No violence, gentlemen -- no violence, I beg of you! Consider the furniture!
33097 No woman can call herself free until she can choose consciously whether
33098 she will or will not be a mother.
33099 -- Margaret H. Sanger
33101 No woman can endure a gambling husband, unless he is a steady winner.
33102 -- Lord Thomas Dewar
33104 No woman ever falls in love with a man unless she has a better opinion of
33105 him than he deserves.
33106 -- Edgar Watson Howe
33108 No wonder Clairol makes so much money selling shampoo.
33109 Lather, Rinse, Repeat is an infinite loop!
33111 No wonder you're tired! You understood so much today.
33113 No yak too dirty; no dumpster too hollow.
33115 Nobert Weiner was the subject of many dotty professor stories. Weiner was, in
33116 fact, very absent minded. The following story is told about him: when they
33117 moved from Cambridge to Newton his wife, knowing that he would be absolutely
33118 useless on the move, packed him off to MIT while she directed the move. Since
33119 she was certain that he would forget that they had moved and where they had
33120 moved to, she wrote down the new address on a piece of paper, and gave it to
33121 him. Naturally, in the course of the day, an insight occurred to him. He
33122 reached in his pocket, found a piece of paper on which he furiously scribbled
33123 some notes, thought it over, decided there was a fallacy in his idea, and
33124 threw the piece of paper away. At the end of the day he went home (to the
33125 old address in Cambridge, of course). When he got there he realized that they
33126 had moved, that he had no idea where they had moved to, and that the piece of
33127 paper with the address was long gone. Fortunately inspiration struck. There
33128 was a young girl on the street and he conceived the idea of asking her where
33129 he had moved to, saying, "Excuse me, perhaps you know me. I'm Norbert Weiner
33130 and we've just moved. Would you know where we've moved to?" To which the
33131 young girl replied, "Yes, Daddy, Mommy thought you would forget."
33132 The capper to the story is that I asked his daughter (the girl in the
33133 story) about the truth of the story, many years later. She said that it wasn't
33134 quite true -- that he never forgot who his children were! The rest of it,
33135 however, was pretty close to what actually happened...
33138 Nobody can be as agreeable as an uninvited guest.
33140 Nobody can be exactly like me. Even I have trouble doing it.
33141 -- Tallulah Bankhead
33143 Nobody ever died from oven crude poisoning.
33145 Nobody ever forgets where he buried the hatchet.
33148 Nobody ever ruined their eyesight by looking at the bright side of something.
33150 NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION.
33152 Nobody is one block of harmony. We are all afraid of something, or feel
33153 limited in something. We all need somebody to talk to. It would be good
33154 if we talked to each other--not just pitter-patter, but real talk. We
33155 shouldn't be so afraid, because most people really like this contact;
33156 that you show you are vulnerable makes them free to be vulnerable too.
33157 It's so much easier to be together when we drop our masks.
33160 Nobody knows the trouble I've been.
33162 Nobody knows what goes between his cold toes and his warm ears.
33166 Everybody hates me,
33167 I think I'll go out and eat worms.
33168 I'm gonna cut their heads off,
33169 Eat their insides out,
33170 And throw way the skins.
33171 Big, fat, juicy ones,
33172 Little, skinny, cute ones,
33173 Watch how they wiggle and they squirm.
33175 Nobody really knows what happiness is, until they're married.
33176 And then it's too late.
33179 -- Frank Gusenberg, his last words, when asked by police
33180 who had shot him 14 times with a machine gun in the Saint
33181 Valentine's Day Massacre.
33183 Only Capone kills like that.
33184 -- George "Bugs" Moran, on the Saint Valentine's Day Massacre
33186 The only man who kills like that is Bugs Moran.
33187 -- Al Capone, on the Saint Valentine's Day Massacre
33189 Nobody suffers the pain of birth or the anguish of loving a child in order
33190 for presidents to make wars, for governments to feed on the substance of
33191 their people, for insurance companies to cheat the young and rob the old.
33194 Nobody takes a bribe. Of course at Christmas if you happen to hold out
33195 your hat and somebody happens to put a little something in it, well, that's
33197 -- New York City Police Commissioner (Ret.) William P.
33198 O'Brien, instructions to the force.
33200 Nobody wants constructive criticism.
33201 It's all we can do to put up with constructive praise.
33203 Nobody's gonna believe that computers are intelligent until they start
33204 coming in late and lying about it.
33208 Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has
33209 merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid.
33213 A legal term meaning: "I didn't do it, judge, and I'll never do
33217 New Yorkerese for expensive.
33223 Non-Determinism is not meant to be reasonable.
33226 Nondeterminism means never having to say you are wrong.
33228 None love the bearer of bad news.
33231 None of our men are "experts." We have most unfortunately found it necessary
33232 to get rid of a man as soon as he thinks himself an expert -- because no one
33233 ever considers himself expert if he really knows his job. A man who knows a
33234 job sees so much more to be done than he has done, that he is always pressing
33235 forward and never gives up an instant of thought to how good and how efficient
33236 he is. Thinking always ahead, thinking always of trying to do more, brings a
33237 state of mind in which nothing is impossible. The moment one gets into the
33238 "expert" state of mind a great number of things become impossible.
33239 -- From Henry Ford Sr., "My Life and Work"
33241 Nonsense. Space is blue and birds fly through it.
33244 Nonsense and beauty have close connections.
33247 Noone ever built a statue to a critic.
33249 No-one would remember the Good Samaritan if he had only had good
33250 intentions. He had money as well.
33251 -- Margaret Thatcher
33253 Norm: Gentlemen, start your taps.
33254 -- Cheers, The Coach's Daughter
33256 Coach: How's life treating you, Norm?
33257 Norm: Like it caught me in bed with his wife.
33258 -- Cheers, Any Friend of Diane's
33260 Coach: How's life, Norm?
33261 Norm: Not for the squeamish, Coach.
33262 -- Cheers, Friends, Romans, and Accountants
33264 Norm: Hey, everybody.
33265 All: [silence; everybody is mad at Norm for being rich.]
33266 Norm: [Carries on both sides of the conversation himself.]
33268 How are you feeling today, Norm?
33269 Rich and thirsty. Pour me a beer.
33270 -- Cheers, Tan 'n Wash
33272 Woody: What's the latest, Mr. Peterson?
33273 Norm: Zha-Zha marries a millionaire, Peterson drinks a beer.
33275 -- Cheers, Knights of the Scimitar
33277 Woody: How are you today, Mr. Peterson?
33278 Norm: Never been better, Woody. ... Just once I'd like to be better.
33279 -- Cheers, Chambers vs. Malone
33281 [Norm comes in with an attractive woman.]
33283 Coach: Normie, Normie, could this be Vera?
33284 Norm: With a lot of expensive surgery, maybe.
33285 -- Cheers, Norman's Conquest
33287 Coach: What's up, Normie?
33288 Norm: The temperature under my collar, Coach.
33289 -- Cheers, I'll Be Seeing You (Part 2)
33291 Coach: What would you say to a nice beer, Normie?
33293 -- Cheers, Diane Meets Mom
33295 [Norm goes into the bar at Vic's Bowl-A-Rama.]
33297 Off-screen crowd: Norm!
33298 Sam: How the hell do they know him here?
33299 Cliff: He's got a life, you know.
33300 -- Cheers, From Beer to Eternity
33302 Woody: What can I do for you, Mr. Peterson?
33303 Norm: Elope with my wife.
33304 -- Cheers, The Triangle
33306 Woody: How's life, Mr. Peterson?
33307 Norm: Oh, I'm waiting for the movie.
33308 -- Cheers, Take My Shirt... Please?
33312 Woody: What can I get you, Mr. Peterson?
33313 Norm: Clifford Clavin's head.
33314 -- Cheers, The Triangle
33316 Sam: Hey, what's happening, Norm?
33317 Norm: Well, it's a dog-eat-dog world, Sammy,
33318 and I'm wearing Milk-Bone underwear.
33319 -- Cheers, The Peterson Principle
33321 Sam: How's life in the fast lane, Normie?
33322 Norm: Beats me, I can't find the on-ramp.
33323 -- Cheers, Diane Chambers Day
33325 [Norm returns from the hospital.]
33327 Coach: What's up, Norm?
33328 Norm: Everything that's supposed to be.
33329 -- Cheers, Diane Meets Mom
33331 Sam: What's new, Normie?
33332 Norm: Terrorists, Sam. They've taken over my stomach.
33333 They're demanding beer.
33334 -- Cheers, The Heart is a Lonely Snipehunter
33336 Coach: What'll it be, Normie?
33337 Norm: Just the usual, Coach. I'll have a froth of beer and a snorkel.
33338 -- Cheers, King of the Hill
33340 [Norm tries to prove that he is not Anton Kreitzer.]
33341 Norm: Afternoon, everybody!
33343 -- Cheers, The Two Faces of Norm
33345 Woody: What's going on, Mr. Peterson?
33346 Norm: A flashing sign in my gut that says, ``Insert beer here.''
33347 -- Cheers, Call Me, Irresponsible
33349 Sam: What can I get you, Norm?
33350 Norm: [scratching his beard] Got any flea powder? Ah, just kidding.
33351 Gimme a beer; I think I'll just drown the little suckers.
33352 -- Cheers, Two Girls for Every Boyd
33354 Normal times may possibly be over forever.
33356 Normally our rules are rigid; we tend to discretion, if for no other
33357 reason than self-protection. We never recommend any of our graduates,
33358 although we cheerfully provide information as to those who have failed
33360 -- Jack Vance, "Freitzke's Turn"
33362 Nostalgia is living life in the past lane.
33364 Nostalgia just isn't what it used to be.
33366 Not all men who drink are poets.
33367 Some of us drink because we aren't poets.
33369 Not all who own a harp are harpers.
33370 -- Marcus Terentius Varro
33372 Not drinking, chasing women, or doing drugs won't
33373 make you live longer -- it just seems that way.
33375 Not every problem someone has with his girlfriend is necessarily due to
33376 the capitalist mode of production.
33379 Not every question deserves an answer.
33381 Not everything worth doing is worth doing well.
33383 Not far from here, by a white sun, behind a green star, lived the
33384 Steelypips, illustrious, industrious, and they hadn't a care: no spats
33385 in their vats, no rules, no schools, no gloom, no evil influence of the
33386 moon, no trouble from matter or antimatter -- for they had a machine,
33387 a dream of a machine, with springs and gears and perfect in every
33388 respect. And they lived with it, and on it, and under it, and inside
33389 it, for it was all they had -- first they saved up all their atoms,
33390 then they put them all together, and if one didn't fit, why they
33391 chipped at it a bit, and everything was just fine...
33394 Not only is this incomprehensible, but the ink is
33395 ugly and the paper is from the wrong kind of tree.
33396 -- Professor, EECS, George Washington University
33398 I'm looking forward to working with you on this next year.
33399 -- Professor, Harvard, on a senior thesis.
33401 Not only is UNIX dead, it's starting to smell really bad.
33404 Not that we needed all that stuff, but when you get locked into a
33405 serious drug collection the tendency is to push it as far as you can.
33406 -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas"
33408 Not to laugh, not to lament, not to curse, but to understand.
33411 NOTE: No warranties, either express or implied, are hereby given.
33412 All software is supplied as is, without guarantee. The user assumes
33413 all responsibility for damages resulting from the use of these
33414 features, including, but not limited to, frustration, disgust, system
33415 abends, disk head-crashes, general malfeasance, floods, fires, shark
33416 attack, nerve gas, locust infestation, cyclones, hurricanes, tsunamis,
33417 local electromagnetic disruptions, hydraulic brake system failure,
33418 invasion, hashing collisions, normal wear and tear of friction
33419 surfaces, comic radiation, inadvertent destruction of sensitive
33420 electronic components, windstorms, the Riders of Nazgul, infuriated
33421 chickens, malfunctioning mechanical or electrical sexual devices,
33422 premature activation of the distant early warning system, peasant
33423 uprisings, halitosis, artillery bombardment, explosions, cave-ins,
33424 and/or frogs falling from the sky.
33426 Note to myself: use real bullets next time.
33428 Notes for a ballet, "The Spell:" ... Suddenly Sigmund hears the
33429 flutter of wings, and a group of wild swans flies across the moon ...
33430 Sigmund is astounded to see that their leader is part swan and part
33431 woman -- unfortunately, divided lengthwise. She enchants Sigmund, who
33432 is careful not to make any poultry jokes...
33435 Notes for a ballet, "The Spell": ... Suddenly Sigmund hears the flutter of
33436 wings, and a group of wild swans flies across the moon ... Sigmund is
33437 astounded to see that their leader is part swan and part woman --
33438 unfortunately, divided lengthwise. She enchants Sigmund, who is careful
33439 not to make any poultry jokes.
33442 Nothing astonishes men so much as common sense and plain dealing.
33443 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
33445 Nothing can be done in one trip.
33448 Nothing cures insomnia like the realization that it's time to get up.
33450 Nothing endures but change.
33452 [Yeah, yeah, "Everything changes but change itself." --JFK Ed.]
33454 Nothing ever becomes real till it is experienced -- even a
33455 proverb is no proverb to you till your life has illustrated it.
33458 Nothing in life is so exhilarating as to be shot at without result.
33459 -- Winston Churchill
33461 Next to being shot at and missed, nothing is really quite as
33462 satisfying as an income tax refund.
33465 Nothing in life is to be feared. It is only to be understood.
33467 Nothing increases your golf score like witnesses.
33469 Nothing is as simple as it seems at first
33470 Or as hopeless as it seems in the middle
33471 Or as finished as it seems in the end.
33473 Nothing is but what is not.
33475 Nothing is ever a total loss; it can always serve as a bad example.
33477 Nothing is faster than the speed of light.
33479 To prove this to yourself, try opening the
33480 refrigerator door before the light comes on.
33482 Nothing is finished until the paperwork is done.
33484 Nothing is illegal if one hundred businessmen decide to do it.
33487 Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.
33490 Nothing is more admirable than the fortitude with which
33491 millionaires tolerate the disadvantages of their wealth.
33494 Nothing is more quiet than the sound of hair going grey.
33496 Nothing is rich but the inexhaustible wealth of nature.
33497 She shows us only surfaces, but she is a million fathoms deep.
33498 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
33500 Nothing is so firmly believed as that which we least know.
33501 -- Michel de Montaigne
33503 Nothing is so often irretrievably missed as a daily opportunity.
33504 -- Ebner-Eschenbach
33506 Nothing lasts forever.
33507 Where do I find nothing?
33509 Nothing makes a person more productive than the last minute.
33511 Nothing makes one so vain as being told that one is a sinner.
33512 Conscience makes egotists of us all.
33515 Nothing matters very much, and few things matter at all.
33518 Nothing motivates a man more than to
33519 see his boss put in an honest day's work.
33521 Nothing, nothing, nothing, no error, no crime is so absolutely
33522 repugnant to God as everything which is official; and why? because
33523 the official is so impersonal and therefore the deepest insult
33524 which can be offered to a personality.
33525 -- Soren Kierkegaard
33527 Nothing recedes like success.
33530 Nothing shortens a journey so pleasantly as an account of misfortunes at
33531 which the hearer is permitted to laugh.
33534 Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits.
33537 Nothing succeeds like excess.
33540 Nothing succeeds like success.
33543 Nothing succeeds like the appearance of success.
33544 -- Christopher Lascl
33546 Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love.
33549 Nothing takes the taste out of peanut
33550 butter quite like unrequited love.
33553 Nothing that's forced can ever be right,
33554 If it doesn't come naturally, leave it.
33555 That's what she said as she turned out the light,
33556 And we bent our backs as slaves of the night,
33557 Then she lowered her guard and showed me the scars
33558 She got from trying to fight
33559 Saying, oh, you'd better believe it.
33561 Well nothing that's real is ever for free
33562 And you just have to pay for it sometime.
33563 She said it before, she said it to me,
33564 I suppose she believed there was nothing to see,
33565 But the same old four imaginary walls
33566 She'd built for livin' inside
33567 I said oh, you just can't mean it.
33569 Well nothing that's forced can ever be right,
33570 If it doesn't come naturally, leave it.
33571 That's what she said as she turned out the light,
33572 And she may have been wrong, and she may have been right,
33573 But I woke with the frost, and noticed she'd lost
33574 The veil that covered her eyes,
33575 I said oh, you can leave it.
33576 -- Al Stewart, "If It Doesn't Come Naturally, Leave It"
33578 Nothing will dispel enthusiasm like a small admission fee.
33581 Nothing will ever be attempted
33582 if all possible objections must be first overcome.
33586 Anyone seen smoking will be assumed to be on fire and will
33587 be summarily put out.
33591 -- THE ELEVATORS WILL BE OUT OF ORDER TODAY --
33593 (The nearest working elevator is in the building across the street.)
33595 Nouvelle cuisine, n:
33596 French for "not enough food".
33598 Continental breakfast, n:
33599 English for "not enough food".
33602 Spanish for "not enough food".
33605 Chinese for more food than you've ever seen in your entire life.
33608 The eleventh twelfth of a weariness.
33610 Novinson's Revolutionary Discovery:
33612 When comes the revolution, things will be different --
33613 not better, just different.
33615 Now and then an innocent man is sent to the legislature.
33617 Now hatred is by far the longest pleasure;
33618 Men love in haste, but they detest at leisure.
33619 -- George Gordon, Lord Byron, "Don Juan"
33621 Now I lay me back to sleep.
33622 The speaker's dull; the subject's deep.
33623 If he should stop before I wake,
33624 Give me a nudge for goodness' sake.
33627 Now I lay me down to sleep
33628 I pray the double lock will keep;
33629 May no brick through the window break,
33630 And, no one rob me till I awake.
33632 Now I lay me down to sleep,
33633 I pray the Lord my soul to keep,
33634 If I should die before I wake,
33635 I'll cry in anguish, "Mistake!! Mistake!!"
33637 Now I lay me down to study,
33638 I pray the Lord I won't go nutty.
33639 And if I fail to learn this junk,
33640 I pray the Lord that I won't flunk.
33641 But if I do, don't pity me at all,
33642 Just lay my bones in the study hall.
33643 Tell my teacher I've done my best,
33644 Then pile my books upon my chest.
33646 Now is the time for all good men to come to.
33649 Now is the time for drinking;
33650 now the time to beat the earth with unfettered foot.
33651 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
33653 Now it's time to say goodbye
33654 To all our company...
33655 M-I-C (see you next week!)
33656 K-E-Y (Why? Because we LIKE you!)
33659 Now of my threescore years and ten,
33660 Twenty will not come again,
33661 And take from seventy springs a score,
33662 It leaves me only fifty more.
33664 And since to look at things in bloom
33665 Fifty springs are little room,
33666 About the woodlands I will go
33667 To see the cherry hung with snow.
33670 Now that day wearies me,
33672 Will receive more kindly,
33673 Like a tired child, the starry night.
33675 Hands, leave off your deeds,
33676 Mind, forget all thoughts;
33678 Yearn only to sink into sleep.
33680 And my soul, unguarded,
33681 Would soar on widespread wings,
33682 To live in night's magical sphere
33683 More profoundly, more variously.
33684 -- Hermann Hesse, "Going to Sleep"
33686 Now that you've read Fortune's diet truths, you'll be prepared the next time
33687 some housewife or boutique owner turned diet expert appears on TV to plug
33688 her latest book. And, if you still feel a twinge of guilt for eating coffee
33689 cake while listening to her exhortations, ask yourself the following questions:
33691 1: Do I dare trust a person who actually considers alfalfa sprouts a food?
33692 2: Was the author's sole motive in writing this book to get rich
33693 exploiting the forlorn hopes of chubby people like me?
33694 3: Would a longer life be worthwhile if it had to be lived as prescribed...
33695 without French-fried onion rings, pizza with double cheese, or the
33696 occasional Mai-Tai? (Remember, living right doesn't really make
33697 you live longer, it just *seems* like longer.)
33699 That, and another piece of coffee cake, should do the trick.
33701 Now the Lord God planted a garden East of Whittier in a place called
33702 Yorba Linda, and out of the ground he made to grow orange trees that
33703 were good for food and the fruits thereof he labeled SUNKIST...
33705 Now there's a violent movie titled, "The Croquet Homicide,"
33706 or "Murder With Mallets Aforethought."
33707 -- Shelby Friedman, WSJ.
33709 Now there's three things you can do in a baseball game:
33710 you can win or you can lose or it can rain.
33713 Now you're ready for the actual shopping. Your goal should be to get it
33714 over with as quickly as possible, because the longer you stay in the mall,
33715 the longer your children will have to listen to holiday songs on the mall
33716 public-address system, and many of these songs can damage children
33717 emotionally. For example: "Frosty the Snowman" is about a snowman who
33718 befriends some children, plays with them until they learn to love him, then
33719 melts. And "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" is about a young reindeer who,
33720 because of a physical deformity, is treated as an outcast by the other
33721 reindeer. Then along comes good, old Santa. Does he ignore the deformity?
33722 Does he look past Rudolph's nose and respect Rudolph for the sensitive
33723 reindeer he is underneath? No. Santa asks Rudolph to guide his sleigh, as
33724 if Rudolph were nothing more than some kind of headlight with legs and a
33725 tail. So unless you want your children exposed to this kind of insensitivity,
33726 you should shop quickly.
33730 He who hesitates is not only lost, but several miles from
33731 the next freeway exit.
33733 Now's the time to have some big ideas
33734 Now's the time to make some firm decisions
33735 We saw the Buddha in a bar down south
33736 Talking politics and nuclear fission
33737 We see him and he's all washed up --
33738 Moving on into the body of a beetle
33739 Getting ready for a long long crawl
33740 He ain't nothing -- he ain't nothing at all...
33742 Death and Money make their point once more
33743 In the shape of Philosophical assassins
33744 Mark and Danny take the bus uptown
33745 Deadly angels for reality and passion
33746 Have the courage of the here and now
33747 Don't taking nothing from the half-baked buddhas
33748 When you think you got it paid in full
33749 You got nothing -- you got nothing at all...
33750 We're on the road and we're gunning for the Buddha.
33751 We know his name and he mustn't get away.
33752 We're on the road and we're gunning for the Buddha.
33753 It would take one shot -- to blow him away...
33754 -- Shriekback, "Gunning for the Buddah"
33756 Nuclear powered vacuuum cleaners will probably be a reality within 10 years.
33757 -- Alex Lewyt (President of the Lewyt Corporation,
33758 manufacturers of vacuum cleaners), quoted in The New York
33759 Times, June 10, 1955.
33761 [Nuclear war] ... may not be desirable.
33764 Nuclear war would mean abolition of most comforts, and disruption of
33765 normal routines, for children and adults alike.
33766 -- Willard F. Libby, "You Can Survive Atomic Attack"
33768 Nudists are people who wear one-button suits.
33770 Nuke the unborn gay female whales for Jesus.
33772 Nuke them till they glow, then shoot them in the dark.
33774 (null cookie; hope that's ok)
33776 Nullum magnum ingenium sine mixtura dementiae fuit.
33779 Numeric stability is probably not all that important when you're guessing.
33781 Nurse Donna: Oh, Groucho, I'm afraid I'm gonna wind up an old maid.
33782 Groucho: Well, bring her in and we'll wind her up together.
33783 Nurse Donna: Do you believe in computer dating?
33784 Groucho: Only if the computers really love each other.
33787 The more pretentious the corporate name, the smaller the
33788 organization. (For instance, the Murphy Center for the
33789 Codification of Human and Organizational Law, contrasted
33790 to IBM, GM, and AT&T.)
33792 O! If I were a fish
33793 I'd lay hap'ly on my dish.
33794 Yes, that's my one and only wish --
33797 For fish don't ever mish;
33798 They needn't flush after they pish!
33799 Yes, and life's just swish, swish, swish,
33800 For all the fish!!!
33803 Where the buffalo roam,
33804 Where the deer and the antelope play,
33805 Where seldom is heard
33806 A discouraging word,
33807 'Cause what can an antelope say?
33809 O imitators, you slavish herd!
33810 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
33813 To have a giant's strength; but it is tyrannous
33814 To use it like a giant.
33815 -- Shakespeare, "Measure for Measure", II, 2
33817 O Lord, grant that we may always be right,
33818 for Thou knowest we will never change our minds.
33820 O love, could thou and I with fate conspire
33821 To grasp this sorry scheme of things entire,
33822 Might we not smash it to bits
33823 And mould it closer to our hearts' desire?
33824 -- Omar Khayyam, tr. FitzGerald
33828 Objects are lost only because people
33829 look where they are not rather than where they are.
33832 Everything is always done for the wrong reasons.
33834 O'Brien held up his left hand, its back toward Winston, with the
33835 thumb hidden and the four fingers extended.
33836 "How many fingers am I holding up, Winston?"
33838 "And if the Party says that it is not four but five --
33841 The word ended in a gasp of pain.
33844 Observe yon plumed biped fine.
33845 To activate its captivation,
33846 Deposit on its termination,
33847 A quantity of particles saline.
33849 Obstacles are what you see when you take your eyes off your goal.
33851 "Obviously, a major malfunction has occurred."
33852 -- Steve Nesbitt, voice of Mission Control, January 28,
33853 1986, as the shuttle Challenger exploded within view
33854 of the grandstands.
33856 Obviously the only rational solution to your problem is suicide.
33859 The philosophical principle that even the simplest
33860 solution is bound to have something wrong with it.
33863 The part of the world lying west (or east) of the Orient. It is
33864 largely inhabited by Christians, powerful sub-tribe of the
33865 Hypocrites, whose principal industries are murder and cheating,
33866 which they are pleased to call "war" and "commerce." These, also,
33867 are the principal industries of the Orient.
33871 A body of water occupying about two-thirds
33872 of a world made for man -- who has no gills.
33874 Odets, where is thy sting?
33875 -- George S. Kaufman
33877 Of all forms of caution, caution in love is the most fatal.
33879 Of all men's miseries, the bitterest is this:
33880 to know so much and have control over nothing.
33883 Of all the animals, the boy is the most unmanageable.
33886 Of all the words of witch's doom
33887 There's none so bad as which and whom.
33888 The man who kills both which and whom
33889 Will be enshrined in our Who's Whom.
33892 Of all things man is the measure.
33895 Of course a platonic relationship is possible -- but only between
33898 Of course it's possible to love a human being
33899 if you don't know them too well.
33900 -- Charles Bukowski
33902 Of course power tools and alcohol don't mix. Everyone knows power
33903 tools aren't soluble in alcohol...
33906 Of course there's no reason for it, it's just our policy.
33908 Of course you can't flap your arms and fly to the moon.
33909 After awhile you'd run out of air to push against.
33911 Of course you have a purpose -- to find a purpose.
33913 Of what you see in books, believe 75%. Of newspapers, believe 50%. And of
33914 TV news, believe 25% -- make that 5% if the anchorman wears a blazer.
33917 The use of computers to improve efficiency in the office
33918 by removing anyone you would want to talk with over coffee.
33920 Official Project Stages:
33921 1. Uncritical Acceptance
33923 3. Dejected Disillusionment
33925 5. Search for the Guilty
33926 6. Punishment of the Innocent
33927 7. Promotion of the Non-participants
33929 Often statistics are used as a drunken man uses
33930 lampposts -- for support rather than illumination.
33932 Often things ARE as bad as they seem!
33935 The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up.
33937 Oh, Aunty Em, it's so good to be home!
33939 Oh, by the way, which one's Pink?
33942 Oh don't the days seem lank and long
33943 When all goes right and none goes wrong,
33944 And isn't your life extremely flat
33945 With nothing whatever to grumble at!
33947 Oh Father, my Father, Oh what must I do?
33948 They're burning our streets and beating me blue.
33949 "Listen my son, I'll tell you the truth:
33950 Get a close haircut and spit-shine your shoes."
33952 Oh Mother, my Mother, my confusions remove,
33953 I long to embrace her whose hair is so smooth.
33954 "Now listen my son, although you're confused,
33955 Cut your hair close and shine all your shoes."
33957 Oh Teacher, my Teacher, your life with me share.
33958 What books ought I read? What thoughts do I dare?
33959 "Oh Student, my Student, of dissent you beware.
33960 Shine those dull shoes and cut short your hair."
33962 Oh Preacher, my Preacher, does God really care?
33963 Are all races equal? Are laws just and fair?
33964 "Boy -- here's the answer, no need to despair:
33965 Shine those new shoes and cut short that hair."
33967 Oh freddled gruntbuggly, thy micturations are to me
33968 As plurdled gabbleblotchits on a lurgid bee.
33969 Groop I implore thee, my foonting turlingdromes,
33970 And hooptiously drangle me with crinkly bindlewurdles,
33971 Or I will rend thee in the goblerwarts with my blurglecruncheon,
33973 -- Prostetnic Vogon Jeltz
33975 Oh, give me a home,
33976 Where the buffalo roam,
33977 And I'll show you a house with a really messy kitchen.
33979 Oh, give me a locus where the gravitons focus
33980 Where the three-body problem is solved,
33981 Where the microwaves play down at three degrees K,
33982 And the cold virus never evolved. (chorus)
33983 We eat algea pie, our vacuum is high,
33984 Our ball bearings are perfectly round.
33985 Our horizon is curved, our warheads are MIRVed,
33986 And a kilogram weighs half a pound. (chorus)
33987 If we run out of space for our burgeoning race
33988 No more Lebensraum left for the Mensch
33989 When we're ready to start, we can take Mars apart,
33990 If we just find a big enough wrench. (chorus)
33991 I'm sick of this place, it's just McDonald's in space,
33992 And living up here is a bore.
33993 Tell the shiggies, "Don't cry," they can kiss me goodbye
33994 'Cause I'm moving next week to L4! (chorus)
33996 CHORUS: Home, home on LaGrange,
33997 Where the space debris always collects,
33998 We possess, so it seems, two of Man's greatest dreams:
33999 Solar power and zero-gee sex.
34000 -- to Home on the Range
34002 Oh give me your pity!
34003 I'm on a committee, We attend and amend
34004 Which means that from morning And contend and defend
34005 to night, Without a conclusion in sight.
34007 We confer and concur,
34008 We defer and demur, We revise the agenda
34009 And reiterate all of our thoughts. With frequent addenda
34010 And consider a load of reports.
34012 We compose and propose,
34013 We suppose and oppose, But though various notions
34014 And the points of procedure are fun; Are brought up as motions,
34015 There's terribly little gets done.
34017 We resolve and absolve;
34018 But we never dissolve,
34019 Since it's out of the question for us
34020 To bring our committee
34021 To end like this ditty,
34022 Which stops with a period, thus.
34023 -- Leslie Lipson, "The Committee"
34025 "Oh, he [a big dog] hunts with papa," she said. "He says Don Carlos [the
34026 dog] is good for almost every kind of game. He went duck hunting one time
34027 and did real well at it. Then Papa bought some ducks, not wild ducks but,
34028 you know, farm ducks. And it got Don Carlos all mixed up. Since the
34029 ducks were always around the yard with nobody shooting at them he knew he
34030 wasn't supposed to kill them, but he had to do something. So one morning
34031 last spring, when the ground was still soft, he took all the ducks and
34032 buried them." "What do you mean, buried them?" "Oh, he didn't hurt them.
34033 He dug little holes all over the yard and picked up the ducks in his mouth
34034 and put them in the holes. Then he covered them up with mud except for
34035 their heads. He did thirteen ducks that way and was digging a hole for
34036 another one when Tony found him. We talked about it for a long time. Papa
34037 said Don Carlos was afraid the ducks might run away, and since he didn't
34038 know how to build a cage he put them in holes. He's a smart dog."
34039 -- R. Bradford, "Red Sky At Morning"
34041 Oh, I am a C programmer and I'm okay
34042 I muck with indices and structs all day
34043 And when it works, I shout hoo-ray
34044 Oh, I am a C programmer and I'm okay
34046 Oh, I am just a typical American boy
34047 From a typical American town.
34048 I believe in God and Senator Dodd
34049 And keeping old Castro down.
34050 And when it came my time to serve
34051 I knew better dead than red,
34052 But when I got to my old draft board,
34053 Buddy this is what I said:
34055 Sarge I'm only 18, I got a ruptured spleen
34056 And I always carry a purse;
34057 I got eyes like a bat and my feet are flat
34058 And my asthma's getting worse.
34059 Yes, think of my career and my sweetheart dear
34060 And my poor old invalid aunt;
34061 Besides I ain't no fool I'm going to school
34062 And I'm working in a defense plant.
34063 -- Phil Ochs, "Draft Dodger Rag"
34065 Oh, I could while away the hours,
34066 Smoking herbs and flowers,
34067 Shooting up my veins,
34068 De-dum, De-dum, De-dum
34069 Tell you, I've been a-thinkin'
34070 I could drive a shiny Lincoln,
34071 If I dealt in good cocaine.
34072 -- To If I Only Had A Brain from "The Wizard of Oz"
34074 Oh, I don't blame Congress. If I had $600 billion at my disposal, I'd
34075 be irresponsible, too.
34078 Oh, I have slipped the surly bonds of earth,
34079 And danced the skies on laughter silvered wings;
34080 Sunward I've climbed and joined the tumbling mirth
34081 Of sun-split clouds and done a hundred things
34082 You have not dreamed of --
34083 Wheeled and soared and swung
34084 High in the sunlit silence.
34086 I've chased the shouting wind along and flung
34087 My eager craft through footless halls of air.
34088 Up, up along delirious, burning blue
34089 I've topped the wind-swept heights with easy grace,
34090 Where never lark, or even eagle flew;
34091 And, while with silent, lifting mind I've trod
34092 The high untrespassed sanctity of space,
34093 Put out my hand, and touched the face of God.
34094 -- John Gillespie Magee Jr., "High Flight"
34096 Oh I'm just a typical American boy
34097 From a typical American town.
34098 I believe in God and Senator Dodd
34099 And keeping old Castro down.
34100 And when it came my time to serve
34101 I knew "Better Dead Than Red",
34102 But when I got to my old draft board,
34103 Buddy, this is what I said:
34106 Sarge, I'm only eighteen, I've got a ruptured spleen,
34107 And I always carry a purse!
34108 I've got eyes like a bat and my feet are flat,
34109 And my asthma's getting worse!
34110 Yes, think of my career and my sweetheart dear,
34111 And my poor old invalid aunt!
34112 Besides I ain't no fool, I'm a-going to school
34113 And I'm a-working in a defense plant!
34114 -- Phil Ochs, "Draft Dodger Rag"
34116 Oh Lord, won't you buy me a 4BSD?
34117 My friends all got sources, so why can't I see?
34118 Come all you moby hackers, come sing it out with me:
34119 To hell with the lawyers from AT&T!
34121 Oh, love is real enough, you will find it some day, but it has one
34122 arch-enemy -- and that is life.
34123 -- Jean Anouilh, "Ardele"
34125 Oh, my friend, it is not what they take away from you that counts --
34126 it's what you do with what you have left.
34127 -- Hubert H. Humphrey
34129 Oh, so there you are!
34131 Oh, the Slithery Dee, he crawled out of the sea.
34132 He may catch all the others, but he won't catch me.
34133 No, he won't catch me, stupid ol' Slithery Dee.
34134 He may catch all the others, but AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!!!!
34135 -- The Smothers Brothers
34137 Oh this age! How tasteless and ill-bred it is.
34138 -- Gaius Valerius Catullus
34140 Oh wearisome condition of humanity!
34141 Born under one law, to another bound.
34142 -- Fulke Greville, Lord Brooke
34144 Oh, well, I guess this is just going to be one of those lifetimes.
34146 Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive.
34149 Oh, when I was in love with you,
34150 Then I was clean and brave,
34151 And miles around the wonder grew
34152 How well did I behave.
34154 And now the fancy passes by,
34155 And nothing will remain,
34156 And miles around they'll say that I
34157 Am quite myself again.
34160 Oh, wow! Look at the moon!
34162 Oh, ya doesn't have ta call me 'Johnson'! Well, you can call me 'Ray', or
34163 you can call me 'Jay', or you can call me 'R.J.', or you can call me 'Ray
34164 J.', or you can call me 'R.J.J.', or you can call me 'Ray J. Johnson', or
34165 you can call me 'R.J. Johnson', but ya DOESN'T have to call me 'Johnson'...
34167 Oh yeah? Well, I remember when sex was dirty and the air was clean.
34169 Oh, yeah, life goes on, long after the thrill of livin' is gone.
34170 -- John Cougar, "Jack and Diane"
34174 Okay, Okay -- I admit it. You didn't change that program that worked
34175 just a little while ago; I inserted some random characters into the
34176 executable. Please forgive me. You can recover the file by typing in
34177 the code over again, since I also removed the source.
34179 Old age and treachery will overcome youth and skill.
34181 Old age is always fifteen years old than I am.
34184 Old age is the harbor of all ills.
34187 Old age is the most unexpected of things that can happen to a man.
34190 Old age is too high a price to pay for maturity.
34192 Old Grandad is dead but his spirits live on.
34194 Old Japanese proverb:
34195 There are two kinds of fools -- those who never climb Mt. Fuji,
34196 and those who climb it twice.
34198 Old MacDonald had an agricultural real estate tax abatement.
34200 Old mail has arrived.
34202 Old men are fond of giving good advice to console
34203 themselves for their inability to set a bad example.
34204 -- La Rochefoucauld, "Maxims"
34206 Old Mother Hubbard went to the cupboard
34207 To fetch her poor daughter a dress.
34208 When she got there, the cupboard was bare
34209 And so was her daughter, I guess...
34211 Old musicians never die, they just decompose.
34213 Old programmers never die, they just become managers.
34215 Old programmers never die, they just branch to a new address.
34217 Old programmers never die, they just hit account block limit.
34219 Old soldiers never die. Young ones do.
34222 One who remembers when charity was a virtue and not an organization.
34225 Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
34227 omnibiblious, adj.:
34228 Indifferent to type of drink. Ex: "Oh, you can get me anything.
34231 On a clear day, U.C.L.A.
34233 On a clear disk you can seek forever.
34236 On a paper submitted by a physicist colleague:
34238 "This isn't right. This isn't even wrong."
34241 On a tous un peu peur de l'amour, mais on
34242 a surtout peur de souffrir ou de faire souffrir.
34244 [One is always a little afraid of love, but
34245 above all, one is afraid of pain or causing pain.]
34248 A dwarf is small, even if he stands on a mountain top;
34249 a colossus keeps his height, even if he stands in a well.
34250 -- Lucius Annaeus Seneca, 4BC - 65AD
34252 On account of being a democracy and run by the people, we are the only
34253 nation in the world that has to keep a government four years, no matter
34257 On account of us being a democracy and run by the people, we are the only
34258 nation in the world that has to keep a government four years, no matter
34260 -- The Best of Will Rogers
34262 On his way back from work, a driver came upon a horrible wreck in which one
34263 car looked exactly like his neighbor's. Stopping hurriedly on the side of
34264 the road, he ran toward the smoldering debris.
34265 "Listen, mister," a policeman said, holding him back, "I can't let
34266 you come any closer."
34267 "But that may be my friend, Henry, in there," the anguished man
34269 "OK, but it's pretty grisly," the cop cautioned. "There was a
34271 The policeman reached into the back seat of the demolished car and
34272 pulled forth the head, holding it at arm's length. "Is this your friend?"
34273 "That's not him -- thank heavens," the man said. "Henry's much
34276 On Monday mornings I am dedicated to the
34277 proposition that all men are created jerks.
34278 -- H. Allen Smith, "Let the Crabgrass Grow"
34280 On Thanksgiving Day all over America, families sit down to dinner at the
34281 same moment -- halftime.
34283 On the eighth day, God created FORTRAN.
34285 On the night before her family moved from Kansas to California, the little
34286 girl knelt by her bed to say her prayers. "God bless Mommy and Daddy and
34287 Keith and Kim," she said. As she began to get up, she quickly added, "Oh,
34288 and God, this is goodbye. We're moving to Hollywood."
34290 On the road, ZIPPY is a pinhead without a purpose, but never without a POINT.
34292 On the road, ZIPPY is a pinhead without
34293 a purpose, but never without a POINT.
34295 On the whole, I'd rather be in Philadelphia.
34296 -- W.C. Fields' epitaph
34298 On two occasions I have been asked [by members of Parliament!], "Pray, Mr.
34299 Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right answers
34300 come out?" I am not able rightly to apprehend the kind of confusion of
34301 ideas that could provoke such a question.
34304 Once ... in the wilds of Afghanistan, I lost my corkscrew,
34305 and we were forced to live on nothing but food and water for days.
34306 -- W.C. Fields, "My Little Chickadee"
34308 Once a word has been allowed to escape, it cannot be recalled.
34309 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
34311 Once, adv.: Enough.
34313 Once again dread deed is done.
34315 his all-knowing eye shaded
34316 to human chance and circumstance.
34317 Peace reigns anew o'er Pine Valley,
34318 but Canon's sleep is troubled.
34320 Beware, scant days past the Ides of July.
34321 Impatient hands wait eagerly
34323 scant moments of time
34324 wrested from life in the full
34325 glory of Canon's power;
34326 held captive by his unblinking eye.
34328 Three golden orbs stand watch;
34329 one each to toll the day, hour, minute
34330 until predestiny decrees his reawakening.
34331 When that feared moment arives,
34332 "Ask not for whom the bell tolls,
34333 It tolls for thee."
34334 -- "I extended the loan on your Camera, at the Pine
34335 Valley Pawn Shop today"
34337 Once Again From the Top
34339 Correction notice in the Miami Herald: "Last Sunday, The Herald erroneously
34340 reported that original Dolphin Johnny Holmes had been an insurance salesman
34341 in Raleigh, North Carolina, that he had won the New York lottery in 1982 and
34342 lost the money in a land swindle, that he had been charged with vehicular
34343 homicide, but acquitted because his mother said she drove the car, and that
34344 he stated that the funniest thing he ever saw was Flipper spouting water on
34345 George Wilson. Each of these items was erroneous material published
34346 inadvertently. He was not an insurance salesman in Raleigh, did not win the
34347 lottery, neither he nor his mother was charged or involved in any way with
34348 vehicular homicide, and he made no comment about Flipper or George Wilson.
34349 The Herald regrets the errors."
34350 -- "The Progressive", March, 1987
34352 Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each
34353 of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.
34354 In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians
34355 called it "Christmas" and went to church; the Jews called it "Hanukka" and
34356 went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People passing
34357 each other on the street would say "Merry Christmas!" or "Happy Hanukka!"
34358 or (to the atheists) "Look out for the wall!"
34360 Once you're safely in the mall, you should tie your children to you
34361 with ropes so the other shoppers won't try to buy them. Holiday shoppers
34362 have been whipped into a frenzy by months of holiday advertisements, and
34363 they will buy anything small enough to stuff into a shopping bag. If your
34364 children object to being tied, threaten to take them to see Santa Claus;
34365 that ought to shut them up.
34368 Once at a social gathering, Gladstone said to Disraeli, "I predict, Sir,
34369 that you will die either by hanging or of some vile disease". Disraeli
34370 replied, "That all depends upon whether I embrace your principals or your
34373 Once harm has been done, even a fool understands it.
34376 Once he had one leg in the White House and the nation trembled under his
34377 roars. Now he is a tinpot pope in the Coca-Cola belt and a brother to the
34378 forlorn pastors who belabor halfwits in galvanized iron tabernacles behind
34379 the railroad yards."
34380 -- H.L. Mencken, writing of William Jennings Bryan,
34381 counsel for the supporters of Tennessee's anti-evolution
34382 law at the Scopes "Monkey Trial" in 1925.
34384 Once I finally figured out all of life's
34385 answers, they changed the questions.
34387 Once, I read that a man be never stronger
34388 than when he truly realizes how weak he is.
34389 -- Jim Starlin, "Captain Marvel #31"
34391 Once is happenstance,
34392 Twice is coincidence,
34393 Three times is enemy action.
34394 -- Auric Goldfinger
34396 Once it hits the fan, the only rational choice is to
34397 sweep it up, package it, and sell it as fertilizer.
34399 Once Law was sitting on the bench
34400 And Mercy knelt a-weeping.
34401 "Clear out!" he cried, "disordered wench!
34402 Nor come before me creeping.
34403 Upon you knees if you appear,
34404 'Tis plain you have no standing here."
34406 Then Justice came. His Honor cried:
34407 "YOUR states? -- Devil seize you!"
34408 "Amica curiae," she replied --
34409 "Friend of the court, so please you."
34410 "Begone!" he shouted -- "There's the door --
34411 I never saw your face before!"
34413 Once the realization is accepted that even between the closest human beings
34414 infinite distances continue to exist, a wonderful living side by side can
34415 grow up, if they succeed in loving the distance between them which makes it
34416 possible for each to see each other whole against the sky.
34419 Once the toothpaste is out of the tube, it's hard to get it back in.
34422 Once there was a little nerd who loved to read your mail,
34423 And then yank back the i-access times to get hackers off his tail,
34424 And once as he finished reading from the secretary's spool,
34425 He wrote a rude rejection to her boyfriend (how uncool!)
34426 And this as delivermail did work and he ran his backfstat,
34427 He heard an awful crackling like rat fritters in hot fat,
34428 And hard errors brought the system down 'fore he could even shout!
34429 And the bio bug'll bring yours down too, ef you don't watch out!
34430 And once they was a little flake who'd prowl through the uulog,
34431 And when he went to his blit that night to play at being god,
34432 The ops all heard him holler, and they to the console dashed,
34433 But when they did a ps -ut they found the system crashed!
34434 Oh, the wizards adb'd the dumps and did the system trace,
34435 And worked on the file system 'til the disk head was hot paste,
34436 But all they ever found was this: "panic: never doubt",
34437 And the bio bug'll crash your box too, ef you don't watch out!
34438 When the day is done and the moon comes out,
34439 And you hear the printer whining and the rk's seems to count,
34440 When the other desks are empty and their terminals glassy grey,
34441 And the load is only 1.6 and you wonder if it'll stay,
34442 You must mind the file protections and not snoop around,
34443 Or the bio bug'll getcha and bring the system down!
34445 Once there was this conductor see, who had a bass problem. You see, during
34446 a portion of Beethovan's Ninth Symphony in which there are no bass violin
34447 parts, one of the bassists always passed a bottle of scotch around. So,
34448 to remind himself that the basses usually required an extra cue towards the
34449 end of the symphony, the conductor would fasten a piece of string around the
34450 page of the score before the bass cue. As the basses grew more and more
34451 inebriated, two of them fell asleep. The conductor grew quite nervous (he
34452 was very concerned about the pitch) because it was the bottom of the ninth;
34453 the score was tied and the basses were loaded with two out.
34455 Once upon a time there...
34457 Once upon a time there was a kingdom ruled by a great bear. The peasants
34458 were not very rich, and one of the few ways to become at all wealthy was
34459 to become a Royal Knight. This required an interview with the bear. If
34460 the bear liked you, you were knighted on the spot. If not, the bear would
34461 just as likely remove your head with one swat of a paw. However, the family
34462 of these unfortunate would-be knights was compensated with a beautiful
34463 sheepdog from the royal kennels, which was itself a fairly valuable
34464 possession. And the moral of the story is:
34466 The mourning after a terrible knight, nothing beats the dog of the bear that
34469 Once upon this midnight incoherent,
34470 While you pondered sentient and crystalline,
34471 Over many a broken and subordinate
34472 Volume of gnarly lore,
34473 While I pestered, nearly singing,
34474 Sudddenly there came a hewing,
34475 As of someone profusely skulking,
34476 Skulking at my chamber door.
34478 Once you've seen one nuclear war, you've seen them all.
34480 Once you've tried to change the world you find
34481 it's a whole bunch easier to change your mind.
34483 "One Architecture, One OS" also translates as "One Egg, One Basket".
34485 One Bell System - it sometimes works.
34487 One Bell System - it used to work before they installed the Dimension!
34489 One Bell System - it works.
34491 One big pile is better than two little piles.
34494 One can never consent to creep when one feels an impulse to soar.
34497 One can search the brain with a microscope and not find the
34498 mind, and can search the stars with a telescope and not find God.
34501 One cannot make an omelette without breaking eggs -- but it is amazing
34502 how many eggs one can break without making a decent omelette.
34504 One can't proceed from the informal to the formal by formal means.
34506 One could not be a successful scientist without realizing that, in contrast
34507 to the popular conception supported by newspapers and mothers of scientists,
34508 a goodly number of scientists are not only narrow-minded and dull, but also
34510 -- J.D. Watson, "The Double Helix"
34512 One day an elderly Jewish Pole, living in Warsaw, finds an old lamp in his
34513 attic. He starts to polish it and (poof!) a genie appears in cloud of smoke.
34514 "Greetings, Mortal!" exclaims the genie, stretching and yawning, "For
34515 releasing me I will grant you three wishes."
34516 The old man thinks for a moment, then replies, "I want Genghis Khan
34517 resurrected. I want him to re-unite the Mongol hordes, march to the Polish
34518 border, decide he doesn't want to invade, and march back home."
34519 "No sooner said than done!" thunders the genie. "Your second wish?"
34520 "Hmmmm. I want Genghis Khan resurrected. I want him to re-unite the
34521 Mongol hordes, march to the Polish border, decide he doesn't want to invade,
34522 and march back home."
34523 "But... well, all right! Your third wish?"
34524 "I want Genghis Khan resurrected. I want him to re-unite his ---"
34525 "OKOKOKOK! Right. Got it. Why do you want Genghis Khan to march
34526 to Poland three times and never invade?"
34527 The old man smiles. "He has to pass through Russia six times."
34529 One day President Reagan, Chairman Brezhnev, the Pope, and a boy scout were
34530 flying together in an airplane. Right out in the middle of nowhere the plane
34531 developed engine trouble and started to go down. Unfortunately, only three
34532 parachutes could be found for the four passengers! Brezhnev grabbed one of
34533 the parachutes and declared "Comrades, as leader of the socialist workers
34534 revolution, my life must be spared." And he jumped out of the plane. Then
34535 Reagan exclaimed "As leader of the greatest nation on earth, I must keep the
34536 world safe for democracy." And with that he too jumped to safety. Now if
34537 you are following all this (or counting on your fingers) you must see that
34538 there is only one parachute left for the two remaining passengers. The Pope
34539 looked kindly upon the boy scout and said "I have had a long and productive
34540 life, my son. You take the parachute and leave me in God's hands." "That's
34541 very kind of you," the observant scout replied, "but there is no need. Reagan
34542 just jumped out with my knapsack."
34544 One day the King decided that he would force all his subjects to tell the
34545 truth. A gallows was erected in front of the city gates. A herald announced,
34546 "Whoever would enter the city must first answer the truth to a question
34547 which will be put to him." Nasrudin was first in line. The captain of the
34548 guard asked him, "Where are you going? Tell the truth -- the alternative
34549 is death by hanging."
34550 "I am going," said Nasrudin, "to be hanged on that gallows."
34551 "I don't believe you."
34552 "Very well, if I have told a lie, then hang me!"
34553 "But that would make it the truth!"
34554 "Exactly," said Nasrudin, "your truth."
34556 One day this guy is finally fed up with his middle-class existence and
34557 decides to do something about it. He calls up his best friend, who is a
34558 mathematical genius. "Look," he says, "do you suppose you could find some
34559 way mathematically of guaranteeing winning at the race track? We could
34560 make a lot of money and retire and enjoy life." The mathematician thinks
34561 this over a bit and walks away mumbling to himself.
34562 A week later his friend drops by to ask the genius if he's had any
34563 success. The genius, looking a little bleary-eyed, replies, "Well, yes,
34564 actually I do have an idea, and I'm reasonably sure that it will work, but
34565 there a number of details to be figured out.
34566 After the second week the mathematician appears at his friend's house,
34567 looking quite a bit rumpled, and announces, "I think I've got it! I still have
34568 some of the theory to work out, but now I'm certain that I'm on the right
34570 At the end of the third week the mathematician wakes his friend by
34571 pounding on his door at three in the morning. He has dark circles under his
34572 eyes. His hair hasn't been combed for many days. He appears to be wearing
34573 the same clothes as the last time. He has several pencils sticking out from
34574 behind his ears and an almost maniacal expression on his face. "WE CAN DO
34575 IT! WE CAN DO IT!!" he shrieks. "I have discovered the perfect solution!!
34576 And it's so EASY! First, we assume that horses are perfect spheres in simple
34577 harmonic motion..."
34581 With nothing to say,
34582 Wrote a mad meta-poem
34583 That started: "One day,
34585 With nothing to say,
34586 Wrote a mad meta-poem
34587 That started: "One day,
34590 Were the words that the poet,
34592 To bring his mad poem,
34593 To some sort of close".
34594 Were the words that the poet,
34596 To bring his mad poem,
34597 To some sort of close".
34599 One difference between a man and a machine
34600 is that a machine is quiet when well oiled.
34602 One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you.
34605 One dusty July afternoon, somewhere around the turn of the century, Patrick
34606 Malone was in Mulcahey's Bar, bending an elbow with the other street car
34607 conductors from the Brooklyn Traction Company. While they were discussing the
34608 merits of a local ring hero, the bar goes silent. Malone turns around to see
34609 his wife, with a face grim as death, stalking to the bar.
34610 Slapping a four-bit piece down on the bar, she draws herself up to her
34611 full five feet five inches and says to Mulcahey, "Give me what himself has
34612 been havin' all these years."
34613 Mulcahey looks at Malone, who shrugs, and then back at Margaret Mary
34614 Malone. He sets out a glass and pours her a triple shot of Rye. The bar is
34615 totally silent as they watch the woman pick up the glass and knock back the
34616 drink. She slams the glass down on the bar, gasps, shudders slightly, and
34617 passes out; falling straight back, stiff as a board, saved from sudden contact
34618 with the barroom floor by the ample belly of Seamus Fogerty.
34619 Sometime later, she comes to on the pool table, a jacket under her
34620 head. Her bloodshot eyes fell upon her husband, who says, "And all these
34621 years you've been thinkin' I've been enjoying meself."
34623 One expresses well the love he does not feel.
34626 One family builds a wall, two families enjoy it.
34628 One father is more than a hundred schoolmasters.
34631 One friend in a lifetime is much; two are many; three are hardly possible.
34632 Friendship needs a certain parallelism of life, a community of thought,
34634 -- Henry Brook Adams
34636 One girl can be pretty -- but a dozen are only a chorus.
34637 -- F. Scott Fitzgerald, "The Last Tycoon"
34639 One good reason why computers can do more work than
34640 people is that they never have to stop and answer the phone.
34642 One good suit is worth a thousand resumes.
34644 One good thing about music,
34645 Well, it helps you feel no pain.
34646 So hit me with music;
34647 Hit me with music now.
34648 -- Bob Marley, "Trenchtown Rock"
34650 One good turn asketh another.
34653 One good turn deserves another.
34656 One good turn usually gets most of the blanket.
34658 One has to look out for engineers -- they begin with sewing machines
34659 and end up with the atomic bomb.
34662 One hundred women are not worth a single testicle.
34665 One is not superior merely because one sees the world as odious.
34666 -- Chateaubriand (1768-1848)
34668 One is often kept in the right road by a rut.
34671 ONE LIFE TO LIVE for ALL MY CHILDREN in
34672 ANOTHER WORLD all THE DAYS OF OUR LIVES.
34674 One man tells a falsehood, a hundred repeat it as true.
34676 One man's constant is another man's variable.
34679 One man's folly is another man's wife.
34682 One man's "magic" is another man's engineering.
34683 "Supernatural" is a null word.
34685 One man's Mede is another man's Persian.
34688 One man's theology is another man's belly laugh.
34690 One measure of friendship consists not in the number of things friends
34691 can discuss, but in the number of things they need no longer mention.
34694 One meets his destiny often on the road he takes to avoid it.
34696 One must have a heart of stone to read the death of Little Nell by Dickens
34700 One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
34702 One nuclear bomb can ruin your whole day.
34704 One of my less pleasant chores when I was young was to read the Bible from
34705 one end to the other. Reading the Bible straight through is at least 70
34706 percent discipline, like learning Latin. But the good parts are, of course,
34707 simply amazing. God is an extremely uneven writer, but when He's good,
34708 nobody can touch him.
34709 -- John Gardner, NYT Book Review, Jan. 1983
34711 One of the chief duties of the mathematician in acting as an
34712 advisor... is to discourage... from expecting too much from
34716 One of the disadvantages of having children is that they eventually get old
34717 enough to give you presents they make at school.
34720 One of the large consolations for experiencing anything
34721 unpleasant is the knowledge that one can communicate it.
34722 -- Joyce Carol Oates
34724 One of the lessons of history is that nothing is often a good thing to
34725 do and always a clever thing to say.
34728 One of the major difficulties Trillian experienced in her relationship with
34729 Zaphod was learning to distinguish between him pretending to be stupid just
34730 to get people off their guard, pretending to be stupid because he couldn't
34731 be bothered to think and wanted someone else to do it for him, pretending
34732 to be so outrageously stupid to hide the fact that he actually didn't
34733 understand what was going on, and really being genuinely stupid. He was
34734 reknowned for being quite clever and quite clearly was so -- but not all the
34735 time, which obviously worried him, hence the act. He preferred people to be
34736 puzzled rather than contemptuous. This above all appeared to Trillian to be
34737 genuinely stupid, but she could no longer be bothered to argue about.
34738 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
34740 One of the most overlooked advantages to computers is... If they do
34741 foul up, there's no law against whacking them around a little.
34744 One of the most striking differences between a
34745 cat and a lie is that a cat has only nine lives.
34748 One of the pleasures of reading old letters is the knowledge that they
34750 -- George Gordon, Lord Byron
34752 One of the rules of Busmanship, New York style, is never surrender your
34753 seat to another passenger. This may seem callous, but it is the best
34754 way, really. If one passenger were to give a seat to someone who fainted
34755 in the aisle, say, the others on the bus would become disoriented and
34756 imagine they were in Topeka Kansas.
34758 One of the signs of Napoleon's greatness is the fact that he
34759 once had a publisher shot.
34760 -- Siegfried Unseld
34762 One of the worst of my many faults is that I'm too critical of myself.
34764 One of your most ancient writers, a historian named Herodotus, tells of a
34765 thief who was to be executed. As he was taken away he made a bargain with
34766 the king: in one year he would teach the king's favorite horse to sing
34767 hymns. The other prisoners watched the thief singing to the horse and
34768 laughed. "You will not succeed," they told him. "No one can."
34769 To which the thief replied, "I have a year, and who knows what might
34770 happen in that time. The king might die. The horse might die. I might die.
34771 And perhaps the horse will learn to sing.
34772 -- "The Mote in God's Eye", Niven and Pournelle
34774 One organism, one vote.
34776 One person's error is another person's data.
34778 One picture is worth 128K words.
34780 One picture is worth more than ten thousand words.
34783 One pill makes you larger And if you go chasing rabbits
34784 And, one pill makes you small. And you know you're going to fall.
34785 And the ones that mother gives you, Tell 'em a hookah smoking caterpillar
34786 Don't do anything at all. Has given you the call.
34787 Go ask Alice Call Alice
34788 When she's ten feet tall. When she was just small.
34790 When men on the chessboard When logic and proportion
34791 Get up and tell you where to go. Have fallen sloppy dead,
34792 And you've just had some kind of And the White Knight is talking
34794 And your mind is moving low. And the Red Queen's lost her head
34795 Go ask Alice Remember what the dormouse said:
34796 I think she'll know. Feed your head.
34799 -- Jefferson Airplane, "White Rabbit"
34801 One planet is all you get.
34803 One possible reason that things aren't going according to plan
34804 is that there never was a plan in the first place.
34806 One possible reason why things aren't going
34807 according to plan is that there never was a plan.
34809 One reason why George Washington
34810 Is held in such veneration:
34811 He never blamed his problems
34812 On the former Administration.
34813 -- George O. Ludcke
34815 One Saturday afternoon, during the campaign to decide whether or not there
34816 should be a Coastal Commission, I took a helicopter ride from Los Angeles
34817 to San Diego. We passed several state beaches, some crowded and some
34818 virtually empty. They had the same facilities, and in some cases the crowded
34819 and the empty beach were within a quarter mile of each other. Obviously
34820 many beach-goers prefer to be crowded together. Buying more beaches that
34821 people won't go to because they prefer to be crowded together on one beach
34822 is a ridiculous waste of our natural resources and our taxes.
34825 One seldom sees a monument to a committee.
34827 One should always be in love. That is the reason one should never marry.
34831 Doesn't fit anyone.
34833 One small step for man, one giant stumble for mankind.
34835 One thing about the past.
34836 It's likely to last.
34839 ONE THING KIDS LIKE is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take
34840 my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to a burned-out
34841 warehouse. "Oh, oh," I said. "Disneyland burned down." He cried and
34842 cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke.
34844 I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty
34846 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
34848 One thing the inventors can't seem to
34849 get the bugs out of is fresh paint.
34851 One thing they don't tell you about doing experimental physics is that
34852 sometimes you must work under adverse conditions... like a state of sheer
34856 One thought driven home is better than three left on base.
34858 One time the police stopped me for speeding. They said, "Don't you know the
34859 speed limit is fifty-five miles an hour?" I said, "Yeah, I know, but I wasn't
34860 going to be out that long."
34863 One toke over the line, sweet Mary,
34864 One toke over the line,
34865 Sittin' downtown in a railway station,
34866 One toke over the line.
34867 Waitin' for the train that goes home,
34868 Hopin' that the train is on time,
34869 Sittin' downtown in a railway station,
34870 One toke over the line.
34872 One way to stop a run away horse is to bet on him.
34874 One, with God, is always a majority, but many a martyr has been burned at
34875 the stake while the votes were being counted.
34878 One would like to stroke and caress human beings, but one dares not do so,
34882 One-Shot Case Study, n:
34883 The scientific equivalent of the four-leaf clover, from which
34884 it is concluded all clovers possess four leaves and are sometimes green.
34887 The idea that a human being should always be accessible to a computer.
34889 Only a fool has no doubts.
34891 Only a mediocre person is always at his best.
34894 Only adults have difficulty with childproof caps.
34896 Only fools are quoted.
34899 Only God can make random selections.
34901 Only great masters of style can succeed in being obtuse.
34904 Most UNIX programmers are great masters of style.
34905 -- The Unnamed Usenetter
34907 Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four
34908 essential food groups -- alcohol, caffeine, sugar, and fat.
34911 [Oh come on, everybody knows that the four basic food groups are
34912 hot sugar, cold sugar, carbohydrates and grease. Ed.]
34914 Only kings, presidents, editors, and people with tapeworms have the right
34915 to use the editorial "we".
34917 Only someone with nothing to be sorry for
34918 smiles back at the rear of an elephant.
34920 Only that in you which is me can hear what I'm saying.
34923 Only the fittest survive. The vanquished acknowledge their unworthiness by
34924 placing a classified ad with the ritual phrase "must sell -- best offer,"
34925 and thereafter dwell in infamy, relegated to discussing gas mileage and lawn
34926 food. But if successful, you join the elite sodality that spends hours
34927 unpurifying the dialect of the tribe with arcane talk of bits and bytes, RAMS
34928 and ROMS, hard disks and baud rates. Are you obnoxious, obsessed? It's a
34929 modest price to pay. For you have tapped into the same awesome primal power
34930 that produces credit-card billing errors and lost plane reservations. Hail,
34931 postindustrial warrior, subduer of Bounceoids, pride of the cosmos, keeper of
34932 the silicone creed: Computo, ergo sum. The force is with you -- at 110 volts.
34933 May your RAMS be fruitful and multiply.
34934 -- Curt Suplee, "Smithsonian", 4/83
34936 Only the hypocrite is really rotten to the core.
34939 Only those who leisurely approach that which the masses are
34940 busy about can be busy about that which the masses take leisurely.
34943 Only two groups of people fall for flattery -- men and women.
34945 Only two kinds of witnesses exist. The first live in a neighborhood where
34946 a crime has been committed and in no circumstances have ever seen anything
34947 or even heard a shot. The second category are the neighbors of anyone who
34948 happens to be accused of the crime. These have always looked out of their
34949 windows when the shot was fired, and have noticed the accused person standing
34950 peacefully on his balcony a few yards away.
34951 -- Sicilian police officer
34953 Only two of my personalities are schizophrenic, but one
34954 of them is paranoid and the other one is out to get him.
34956 Only way to open lips of pigeon, sledgehammer.
34958 Ontogeny recapitulates phylogeny.
34960 Onward through the fog.
34962 Operator, please trace this call and tell me where I am.
34964 Opiates are the religion of the upper-middle classes.
34967 Opium is very cheap considering you don't
34968 feel like eating for the next six days.
34969 -- Taylor Mead, famous transvestite
34971 Oppernockity tunes but once.
34973 Opportunities are usually disguised as hard
34974 work, so most people don't recognize them.
34976 Oprah Winfrey has an incredible talent for getting the wierdest people to
34977 talk to. And you just HAVE to watch it. "Blind, masochistic minority,
34978 crippled, depressed, government latrine diggers, and the women who love
34979 them too much on the next Oprah Winfrey."
34981 Optimism is the content of small men in high places.
34982 -- F. Scott Fitzgerald, "The Crack Up"
34985 The belief that everything is beautiful, including what is ugly, good, bad,
34986 and everything right that is wrong. It is held with greatest tenacity by
34987 those accustomed to falling into adversity, and most acceptably expounded
34988 with the grin that apes a smile. Being a blind faith, it is inaccessible
34989 to the light of disproof -- an intellectual disorder, yielding to no treatment
34990 but death. It is hereditary, but not contagious.
34993 A proponent of the belief that black is white.
34995 A pessimist asked God for relief.
34996 "Ah, you wish me to restore your hope and cheerfulness," said God.
34997 "No," replied the petitioner, "I wish you to create something that
34998 would justify them."
34999 "The world is all created," said God, "but you have overlooked
35000 something -- the mortality of the optimist."
35001 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
35004 Someone who goes down to the marriage
35005 bureau to see if his license has expired.
35008 A bagpiper with a beeper.
35010 Optimization hinders evolution.
35012 Or you or I must yield up his life to Ahrimanes. I would rather it were you.
35013 I should have no hesitation in sacrificing my own life to spare yours, but
35014 we take stock next week, and it would not be fair on the company.
35015 -- J. Wellington Wells
35017 Oral sex is like being attacked by a giant snail.
35020 Orcs really aren't so bad (if you use lots of catsup).
35022 Order and simplification are the first steps toward
35023 mastery of a subject -- the actual enemy is the unknown.
35027 Eighty billion gallons of water with
35028 no place to go on Saturday night.
35030 O'Reilly's Law of the Kitchen:
35031 Cleanliness is next to impossible
35035 Organic chemistry is the chemistry of carbon compounds.
35036 Biochemistry is the study of carbon compounds that crawl.
35039 Original thought is like original sin: both happened before you were born
35040 to people you could not have possibly met.
35041 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"
35044 Variables won't; constants aren't.
35046 Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how did you like the play?
35049 The appetites they feed, but she makes hungry
35050 Where most she satisfies.
35051 -- Antony and Cleopatra
35053 Others can stop you temporarily, only you can do it permanently.
35055 Others will look to you for stability,
35056 so hide when you bite your nails.
35058 O'Toole's commentary on Murphy's Law:
35059 Murphy was an optimist.
35061 Ouch! That felt good!
35064 "Our attitude with TCP/IP is, `Hey, we'll do it, but don't make a big
35065 system, because we can't fix it if it breaks -- nobody can.'"
35067 "TCP/IP is OK if you've got a little informal club, and it doesn't make
35068 any difference if it takes a while to fix it."
35069 -- Ken Olsen, in Digital News, 1988
35071 Our business in life is not to succeed
35072 but to continue to fail in high spirits.
35073 -- Robert Louis Stevenson
35075 Our congratulations go to a Burlington Vermont civilian employee of the
35076 local Army National Guard base. He recently received a substational cash
35077 award from our government for inventing a device for optical scanning.
35078 His device reportedly will save the government more than $6 million a year
35079 by replacing a more expensive helicopter maintenance tool with his own,
35080 home-made, hand-held model.
35082 Not suprisingly, we also have a couple of money-saving ideas that we submit
35083 to the Pentagon free of charge:
35085 a. Don't kill anybody.
35086 b. Don't build things that do.
35087 c. And don't pay other people to kill anybody.
35089 We expect annual savings to be in the billions.
35092 Our country has plenty of good five-cent cigars,
35093 but the trouble is they charge fifteen cents for them.
35095 Our documentation manager was showing her 2 year old son around the office.
35096 He was introduced to me, at which time he pointed out that we were both
35097 holding bags of popcorn. We were both holding bottles of juice. But only
35098 *he* had a lollipop.
35099 He asked his mother, "Why doesn't HE have a lollipop?"
35100 Her reply: "He can have a lollipop any time he wants to. That's
35101 what it means to be a programmer."
35103 Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear -- kept us in a
35104 continuous stampede of patriotic fervor -- with the cry of grave national
35105 emergency... Always there has been some terrible evil to gobble us up if we
35106 did not blindly rally behind it by furnishing the exorbitant sums demanded.
35107 Yet, in retrospect, these disasters seem never to have happened, seem never
35108 to have been quite real.
35109 -- General Douglas MacArthur, 1957
35111 Our houseplants have a good sense of humous.
35113 Our informal mission is to improve the love life of operators worldwide.
35114 -- Peter Behrendt, president of Exabyte
35116 Our little systems have their day;
35117 They have their day and cease to be;
35118 They are but broken lights of thee.
35121 Our OS who art in CPU, UNIX be thy name.
35122 Thy programs run, thy syscalls done,
35123 In kernel as it is in user.
35125 Our parents were of Midwestern stock and very strict. They didn't want us
35126 to grow up to be spoiled and rich. If we left our tennis racquets in the
35127 rain, we were punished.
35128 -- Nancy Ellis (George Bush's sister), in the New Republic
35130 Our policy is, when in doubt, do the right thing.
35131 -- Roy L. Ash, ex-president, Litton Industries
35133 Our problems are so serious that the best
35134 way to talk about them is lightheartedly.
35136 Our sires' age was worse that our grandsires'.
35137 We their sons are more worthless than they:
35138 so in our turn we shall give the world a progeny yet more corrupt.
35139 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
35141 Our swords shall play the orators for us.
35142 -- Christopher Marlowe
35144 Our universe itself keeps on expanding and expanding,
35145 In all of the directions it can whiz;
35146 As fast as it can go, that's the speed of light, you know,
35147 Twelve million miles a minute and that's the fastest speed there is.
35148 So remember, when you're feeling very small and insecure,
35149 How amazingly unlikely is your birth;
35150 And pray that there's intelligent life somewhere out in space,
35151 'Cause there's bugger all down here on Earth!
35154 Ours is a world of nuclear giants and ethical infants.
35155 -- General Omar N. Bradley
35157 Ours is a world where people don't know what they
35158 want and are willing to go through hell to get it.
35160 Out of sight is out of mind.
35163 Out of the crooked timber of humanity no straight thing can ever be made.
35166 Out of the mouths of babes does often come cereal.
35168 Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside a dog it's too
35171 Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it is too
35175 Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too
35179 Over the shoulder supervision is more a
35180 need of the manager than the programming task.
35182 Overall, the philosophy is to attack the availability problem from two
35183 complementary directions: to reduce the number of software errors through
35184 rigorous testing of running systems, and to reduce the effect of the remaining
35185 errors by providing for recovery from them. An interesting footnote to this
35186 design is that now a system failure can usually be considered to be the
35187 result of two program errors: the first, in the program that started the
35188 problem; the second, in the recovery routine that could not protect the
35190 -- A.L. Scherr, "Functional Structure of IBM Virtual Storage
35191 Operating Systems, Part II: OS/VS-2 Concepts and
35192 Philosophies," IBM Systems Journal, Vol. 12, No. 4.
35194 Overconfidence breeds error when we take for granted that the game will
35195 continue on its normal course; when we fail to provide for an unusually
35196 powerful resource -- a check, a sacrifice, a stalemate. Afterwards the
35197 victim may wail, `But who could have dreamt of such an idiotic-looking
35199 -- Fred Reinfeld, "The Complete Chess Course"
35201 Overdrawn? But I still have checks left!
35203 Overflow on /dev/null, please empty the bit bucket.
35206 "How do I feel? Great! And I kiss pretty good, too!"
35208 Overload -- core meltdown sequence initiated.
35210 Owe no man any thing...
35213 Oxygen is a very toxic gas and an extreme fire hazard. It is fatal in
35214 concentrations of as little as 0.000001 p.p.m. Humans exposed to the
35215 oxygen concentrations die within a few minutes. Symptoms resemble very
35216 much those of cyanide poisoning (blue face, etc.). In higher
35217 concentrations, e.g. 20%, the toxic effect is somewhat delayed and it
35218 takes about 2.5 billion inhalations before death takes place. The reason
35219 for the delay is the difference in the mechanism of the toxic effect of
35220 oxygen in 20% concentration. It apparently contributes to a complex
35221 process called aging, of which very little is known, except that it is
35224 However, the main disadvantage of the 20% oxygen concentration is in the
35225 fact it is habit forming. The first inhalation (occurring at birth) is
35226 sufficient to make oxygen addiction permanent. After that, any
35227 considerable decrease in the daily oxygen doses results in death with
35228 symptoms resembling those of cyanide poisoning.
35230 Oxygen is an extreme fire hazard. All of the fires that were reported in
35231 the continental U.S. for the period of the past 25 years were found to be
35232 due to the presence of this gas in the atmosphere surrounding the buildings
35235 Oxygen is especially dangerous because it is odorless, colorless and
35236 tasteless, so that its presence can not be readily detected until it is
35238 -- Chemical & Engineering News February 6, 1956
35241 (1) If someone says he will do something "without fail," he won't.
35242 (2) The more people talk on the phone, the less money they make.
35243 (3) People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
35244 (4) Pizza always burns the roof of your mouth.
35246 paak, n: A stadium or inclosed playing field. To put or leave (a
35247 a vehicle) for a time in a certain location.
35248 patato, n: The starchy, edible tuber of a widely cultivated plant.
35249 Septemba, n: The 9th month of the year.
35250 shua, n: Having no doubt; certain.
35251 sista, n: A female having the same mother and father as the speaker.
35252 tamato, n: A fleshy, smooth-skinned reddish fruit eaten in salads
35254 troopa, n: A state policeman.
35255 Wista, n: A city in central Masschewsetts.
35256 yaad, n: A tract of ground adjacent to a building.
35257 -- Massachewsetts Unabridged Dictionary
35260 Falling out of a twenty story building,
35261 and snagging your eyelid on a nail.
35264 One thing, at least it proves that you're alive!
35267 Sliding down a 50-foot razor blade into a bucket of alcohol.
35269 Pain is just God's way of hurting you.
35272 Never open a box you didn't close.
35274 panic: can't find /
35276 panic: kernal segmentation violation. core dumped (only kidding)
35280 2 dashes == 1smidgen
35281 2 smidgens == 1 pinch
35282 3 pinches == 1 soupcon
35283 2 soupcons == too much paprika
35285 Paralysis through analysis.
35288 A healthy understanding of the way the universe works.
35290 Paranoia doesn't mean the whole world isn't out to get you.
35292 Paranoia is heightened awareness.
35294 Paranoia is simply an optimistic outlook on life.
35296 Paranoid Club meeting this Friday.
35297 Now ... just try to find out where!
35299 Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems. It's easy
35300 to criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid too.
35303 Pardon me while I laugh.
35305 Parents often talk about the younger generation as if they
35306 didn't have much of anything to do with it.
35308 Parkinson's Fifth Law:
35309 If there is a way to delay in important decision, the good
35310 bureaucracy, public or private, will find it.
35312 Parkinson's Fourth Law:
35313 The number of people in any working group tends to increase
35314 regardless of the amount of work to be done.
35316 Parsley is gharsley.
35319 Parts that positively cannot be assembled in improper order will be.
35322 A gathering where you meet people who drink
35323 so much you can't even remember their names.
35326 A programming language named after a man who would turn over
35327 in his grave if he knew about it.
35328 -- Datamation, January 15, 1984
35331 A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his
35332 grave if he knew about it.
35334 Pascal is a language for children wanting to be naughty.
35335 -- Dr. Kasi Ananthanarayanan
35337 Pascal is not a high-level language.
35341 The Pascal system will be replaced next Tuesday by Cobol.
35342 Please modify your programs accordingly.
35345 To show respect for the 313th anniversary (tomorrow) of the
35346 death of Blaise Pascal, your programs will be run at half speed.
35348 Passionate hatred can give meaning and purpose to an empty life.
35353 Passwords are implemented as a result of insecurity.
35355 Paster Crosstalk: What items are specifically mentioned by GOD as being
35356 unclean? Now did you know... preying birds... praying mantises...
35357 All birds of prey, all carrion eaters, fish eaters -- no good, can't
35358 eat those. Nothing that does not have both fins and scales. Most
35360 Alvarado: How 'bout caterpillars?
35361 P: A caterpillar doesn't have a backbone. Nothing without a backbone
35363 A: How do you know? You char a caterpillar, it gets real stiff!
35364 P: Well, I don't think that the Lord meant us to eat CHARRED
35367 P: The hog, the squirrel... little squirrels. Who would want to eat
35369 A: If you're starving. If you're starving in the park one day.
35370 P: You'd probably just CHAR 'em to get 'em stiff, wouldn't ya?
35371 A: No, you SINGE 'em. You SINGE 'em and eat 'em. *I* read about the
35372 Donner Pass, I know what man does when he's hungry.
35373 P: Squirrels eating squirrels -- my GOD, that's sick!
35374 A: That's sick, SURE. But a MAN eating a squirrel -- that's (heh, heh)
35375 par for the course, Charlie.
35376 -- Firesign Theatre
35378 Patch griefs with proverbs.
35379 -- William Shakespeare, "Much Ado About Nothing"
35382 A method of publicizing inventions so others can copy them.
35384 "Pathetic," he said. "That's what it is. Pathetic."
35386 "As I thought," he said, "no better from *this* side."
35389 Patience is a minor form of despair, disguised as virtue.
35390 -- Ambrose Bierce, on qualifiers
35392 Patience is the best remedy for every trouble.
35393 -- Titus Maccius Plautus
35395 Patriotism is the last refuge of a scoundrel.
35396 -- S. Johnson, "The Life of Samuel Johnson" by J. Boswell
35398 In Dr. Johnson's famous dictionary patriotism is defined as the last
35399 resort of the scoundrel. With all due respect to an enlightened but
35400 inferior lexicographer I beg to submit that it is the first.
35403 When Dr. Johnson defined patriotism as the last refuge of a scoundrel,
35404 he ignored the enormous possibilities of the word reform.
35405 -- Sen. Roscoe Conkling
35407 Public office is the last refuge of a scoundrel.
35410 Patriotism is the virtue of the vicious.
35413 Pauca sed matura. (Few but excellent.)
35416 Paul Revere was a tattle-tale.
35419 In America, it's not how much an
35420 item costs, it's how much you save.
35423 You can't fall off the floor.
35425 Pause for storage relocation.
35428 The weekly $5.27 that remains after deductions for federal
35429 withholding, state withholding, city withholding, FICA,
35430 medical/dental, long-term disability, unemployment insurance,
35431 Christmas Club, and payroll savings plan contributions.
35441 up your ides under brown-
35448 Peace be to this house, and all that dwell in it.
35450 Peace cannot be kept by force; it
35451 can only be achieved by understanding.
35454 Peace is much more precious than a piece
35455 of land... let there be no more wars.
35456 -- Mohammed Anwar Sadat, 1918-1981
35459 In international affairs, a period of cheating between two
35460 periods of fighting.
35465 4 cups sugar 16 tbsp. milk
35466 4 cups brown sugar 4 tsp. vanilla
35467 4 cups shortening 14 cups flour
35469 4 cups peanut butter 4 tsp. salt
35471 Shape dough into balls. Roll in sugar and bake on ungreased
35472 cookie sheet at 375 F. for 10-12 minutes. Immediately top
35473 each cookie with a Hershey's kiss or star pressing down firmly
35474 to crack cookie. Makes a hell of a lot.
35476 Pecor's Health-Food Principle:
35477 Never eat rutabaga on any day of
35478 the week that has a "y" in it.
35481 A car with only one working headlight.
35482 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
35484 Pedro Guerrero was playing third base for the Los Angeles Dodgers in 1984
35485 when he made the comment that earns him a place in my Hall of Fame. Second
35486 baseman Steve Sax was having trouble making his throws. Other players were
35487 diving, screaming, signaling for a fair catch. At the same time, Guerrero,
35488 at third, was making a few plays that weren't exactly soothing to manager
35489 Tom Lasorda's stomach. Lasorda decided it was time for one of his famous
35490 motivational meetings and zeroed in on Guerrero: "How can you play third
35491 base like that? You've gotta be thinking about something besides baseball.
35493 "I'm only thinking about two things," Guerrero said. "First, `I
35494 hope they don't hit the ball to me.'" The players snickered, and even
35495 Lasorda had to fight off a laugh. "Second, `I hope they don't hit the ball
35497 -- Joe Garagiola, "It's Anybody's Ball Game"
35503 The solution to a problem changes the nature of the problem.
35506 "I will never understand people."
35507 "There's nothing to it. All you have to do is take a close look
35508 at yourself and you will understand everyone else. How would Seldon have
35509 worked out his Plan -- and I don't care how subtle his mathematics was --
35510 if he didn't understand people; and how could he have done that if people
35511 weren't easy to understand? You show me someone who can't understand
35512 people and I'll show you someone who has built up a false image of himself
35513 -- no offense intended."
35514 -- Asimov, "Foundation's Edge"
35516 Penguin Trivia #46:
35517 Animals who are not penguins can only wish they were.
35522 A federally insured chain letter.
35524 People (a group that in my opinion has always attracted an undue amount of
35525 attention) have often been likened to snowflakes. This analogy is meant to
35526 suggest that each is unique -- no two alike. This is quite patently not the
35527 case. People ... are simply a dime a dozen. And, I hasten to add, their
35528 only similarity to snowflakes resides in their invariable and lamentable
35529 tendency to turn, after a few warm days, to slush.
35530 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"
35532 People are always available for work in the past tense.
35534 People are beginning to notice you.
35535 Try dressing before you leave the house.
35537 People are like onions -- you cut them up, and they make you cry.
35539 People are unconditionally guaranteed to be full of defects.
35541 People don't change; they only become more so.
35543 People don't make the same mistake twice -- they make it three times,
35546 People don't usually make the same mistake twice -- they make it three
35547 times, four time, five times...
35549 People in general do not willingly read
35550 if they have anything else to amuse them.
35553 People love high ideals, but they got to be about 33-percent plausible.
35554 -- The Best of Will Rogers
35556 People never lie so much as after a hunt, during a war, or before an
35558 -- Otto von Bismarck
35560 People of privilege will always risk their complete destruction
35561 rather than surrender any material part of their advantage.
35562 -- John Kenneth Galbraith
35564 People often find it easier to be a
35565 result of the past than a cause of the future.
35567 People respond to people who respond.
35569 People say I live in my own little fantasy world... well, at least they
35573 People seem to enjoy things more when they know a lot of other people
35574 have been left out on the pleasure.
35577 People seem to think that the blanket phrase, "I only work here,"
35578 absolves them utterly from any moral obligation in terms of the
35579 public -- but this was precisely Eichmann's excuse for his job in
35580 the concentration camps.
35582 People tend to make rules for others and exceptions for themselves.
35584 People that can't find something to live for always seem to find something
35585 to die for. The problem is, they usually want the rest of us to die for
35588 People think love is an emotion. Love is good sense.
35591 People usually get what's coming to them -- unless it's been mailed.
35593 People who are funny and smart and return phone calls get
35594 much better press than people who are just funny and smart.
35595 -- Howard Simons, "The Washington Post"
35597 People who claim they don't let little things bother
35598 them have never slept in a room with a single mosquito.
35600 People who fight fire with fire usually end up with ashes.
35601 -- Abigail Van Buren
35603 People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
35605 People who have no faults are terrible;
35606 there is no way of taking advantage of them.
35608 People who have what they want are very fond of telling people who haven't
35609 what they want that they don't want it.
35612 People who have what they want are very fond of telling
35613 people who haven't what they want that they don't want it.
35616 People who make no mistakes do not usually make anything.
35618 People who push both buttons should get their wish.
35620 People who take cat naps don't usually sleep in a cat's cradle.
35622 People who take cold baths never have rheumatism, but they have
35625 People who think they know everything
35626 greatly annoy those of us who do.
35628 People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that Benjamin
35629 Franklin said it first.
35631 People will accept your ideas much more readily if
35632 you tell them that Benjamin Franklin said it first.
35634 People will buy anything that's one to a customer.
35636 People with narrow minds usually have broad tongues.
35638 People's Action Rules:
35639 (1) Some people who can, shouldn't.
35640 (2) Some people who should, won't.
35641 (3) Some people who shouldn't, will.
35642 (4) Some people who can't, will try, regardless.
35643 (5) Some people who shouldn't, but try, will then blame others.
35645 Per buck you get more computing action with the small computer.
35648 Pereant, inquit, qui ante nos nostra dixerunt.
35649 [Confound those who have said our remarks before us.]
35651 [May they perish who have expressed our bright ideas before us.]
35654 Perfect day for scrubbing the floor and other exciting things.
35657 One who makes his host feel at home.
35659 Perfection is finally attained, not when there is no longer
35660 anything to add, but when there is no longer anything to take away.
35661 -- Antoine de Saint-Exupery
35663 Perfection is reached, not when there is no longer anything
35664 to add, but when there is no longer anything to take away.
35665 -- Antoine de Saint-Exupery
35668 A statement of the speed at which a computer system works. Or
35669 rather, might work under certain circumstances. Or was rumored
35670 to be working over in Jersey about a month ago.
35672 Perhaps, after all, America never has been discovered.
35673 I myself would say that it had merely been detected.
35676 Perhaps no person can be a poet, or even enjoy
35677 poetry without a certain unsoundness of mind.
35680 Perhaps the biggest disappointments were the ones you expected anyway.
35682 Perhaps the most widespread illusion is that if we were in power we would
35683 behave very differently from those who now hold it -- when, in truth, in
35684 order to get power we would have to become very much like them. (Lenin's
35685 fatal mistake, both in theory and in practice.)
35687 Perhaps the world's second words crime is boredom. The first is
35691 Perilous to all of us are the devices of
35692 an art deeper than we ourselves possess.
35693 -- Gandalf the Grey
35695 Periphrasis is the putting of things in a round-about way. "The cost may be
35696 upwards of a figure rather below 10m#." is a periphrasis for The cost may be
35697 nearly 10m#. "In Paris there reigns a complete absence of really reliable
35698 news" is a periphrasis for There is no reliable news in Paris. "Rarely does
35699 the 'Little Summer' linger until November, but at times its stay has been
35700 prolonged until quite late in the year's penultimate month" contains a
35701 periphrasis for November, and another for lingers. "The answer is in the
35702 negative" is a periphrasis for No. "Was made the recipient of" is a
35703 periphrasis for Was presented with. The periphrasis style is hardly possible
35704 on any considerable scale without much use of abstract nouns such as "basis,
35705 case, character, connexion, dearth, description, duration, framework, lack,
35706 nature, reference, regard, respect". The existence of abstract nouns is a
35707 proof that abstract thought has occurred; abstract thought is a mark of
35708 civilized man; and so it has come about that periphrasis and civilization are
35709 by many held to be inseparable. These good people feel that there is an almost
35710 indecent nakedness, a reversion to barbarism, in saying No news is good news
35711 instead of "The absence of intelligence is an indication of satisfactory
35713 -- Fowler's English Usage
35715 Persistence in one opinion has never been considered
35716 a merit in political leaders.
35717 -- Marcus Tullius Cicero, "Ad familiares", 1st century BC
35719 Personifiers of the world, unite!
35720 You have nothing to lose but Mr. Dignity!
35721 -- Bernadette Bosky
35723 Personifiers Unite! You have nothing to lose but Mr. Dignity!
35725 Persons attempting to find a motive in this narrative will be prosecuted;
35726 persons attempting to find a moral in it will be banished; persons attempting
35727 to find a plot in it will be shot. By Order of the Author
35728 -- Mark Twain, "Tom Sawyer"
35731 A man who spends all his time worrying about how he can keep the
35732 wolf from the door.
35735 A man who refuses to see the wolf until he seizes the seat of
35739 A man who invites the wolf in and appears the next day in a fur coat.
35741 Pete: Waiter, this meat is bad.
35742 Waiter: Who told you?
35743 Pete: A little swallow.
35745 Peter's hungry, time to eat lunch.
35747 Peter's Law of Substitution:
35748 Look after the molehills, and the
35749 mountains will look after themselves.
35751 Peter's Principle of Success:
35752 Get up one time more than you're knocked down.
35755 In every hierarchy, each employee tends to rise to the level of
35758 Peterson's Admonition:
35759 When you think you're going down for the third time --
35760 just remember that you may have counted wrong.
35763 (1) Trucks that overturn on freeways
35764 are filled with something sticky.
35765 (2) No cute baby in a carriage is ever a girl when called one.
35766 (3) Things that tick are not always clocks.
35767 (4) Suicide only works when you're bluffing.
35770 Any sun-bleached prehistoric candy that has been sitting in
35771 the window of a vending machine too long.
35772 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
35774 Phasers locked on target, Captain.
35776 Philadelphia is not dull -- it just seems so
35777 because it is next to exciting Camden, New Jersy.
35779 Philogyny recapitulates erogeny; erogeny recapitulates philogyny.
35782 The ability to bear with calmness the misfortunes of our friends.
35785 Unintelligible answers to insoluble problems.
35787 Phone call for chucky-pooh.
35790 To flick a bulb on and off when it burns out (as if, somehow, that
35791 will bring it back to life).
35792 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
35794 Photographing a volcano is just about
35795 the most miserable thing you can do.
35796 -- Robert B. Goodman
35797 [Who has clearly never tried to use a PDP-10. Ed.]
35799 Physically there is nothing to distinguish human society from the
35800 farm-yard except that children are more troublesome and costly than
35801 chickens and women are not so completely enslaved as farm stock.
35802 -- George Bernard Shaw, "Getting Married"
35804 Picking up the pieces of my sweet shattered dream,
35805 I wonder how the old folks are tonight,
35806 Her name was Ann, and I'll be damned if I recall her face,
35807 She left me not knowing what to do.
35809 Carefree Highway, let me slip away on you,
35810 Carefree Highway, you seen better days,
35811 The morning after blues, from my head down to my shoes,
35812 Carefree Highway, let me slip away, slip away, on you...
35814 Turning back the pages to the times I love best,
35815 I wonder if she'll ever do the same,
35816 Now the thing that I call livin' is just bein' satisfied,
35817 With knowing I got noone left to blame.
35818 Carefree Highway, I got to see you, my old flame...
35820 Searching through the fragments of my dream shattered sleep,
35821 I wonder if the years have closed her mind,
35822 I guess it must be wanderlust or tryin' to get free,
35823 From the good old faithful feelin' we once knew.
35824 -- Gordon Lightfoot, "Carefree Highway"
35827 If Congress must do a painful thing,
35828 the thing must be done in an odd-number year.
35830 Piddle, twiddle, and resolve,
35831 Not one damn thing do we solve.
35834 Pie are not square. Pie are round. Cornbread are square.
35840 An animal (Porcus omnivorous) closely allied to the human race by
35841 the splendor and vivacity of its appetite, which, however, is
35842 inferior in scope, for it balks at pig.
35845 Pilfering Treasure property is paticularly dangerous: big thieves are
35846 ruthless in punishing little thieves.
35849 Pilots should avoid using illegal drugs.
35850 -- AOPA's Pilot's Handbook, 1988
35852 Piping down the valleys wild,
35853 Piping songs of pleasant glee,
35854 On a cloud I saw a child,
35855 And he laughing said to me:
35856 "Pipe a song about a Lamb!"
35857 So I piped with merry cheer.
35858 "Piper, pipe that song again;"
35859 So I piped: he wept to hear.
35860 -- William Blake, "Songs of Innocence"
35862 Pipo was born with few complications, but then the doctor accidently dropped
35863 the infant on her head provoking her drunken father to drag the physician
35864 outside where he would beat him to death with a live ocelot.
35865 -- Love and Rockets
35867 PISCES (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20)
35868 You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed
35869 by the CIA or FBI. You have minor influence over your associates
35870 and people resent your flaunting of your power. You lack confidence
35871 and you are generally a coward. Pisces people do terrible things to
35874 PISCES (Feb. 19 to Mar. 20)
35875 Take the high road, look for the good things, carry the American
35876 Express card and a weapon. The world is yours today, as nobody
35877 else wants it. Your mortgage will be foreclosed. You will probably
35878 get run over by a bus.
35880 PISCES (Feb.19 - Mar.20)
35881 You will get some very interesting news of a promotion today.
35882 It will go to someone in the office you dislike and will be the
35883 job you wanted. Don't lend anyone a car today. You don't have
35887 A mischievous, magical spirit associated with screen displays.
35888 The computer industry has frequently borrowed from mythology:
35889 Witness the sprites in computer graphics, the demons in artificial
35890 intelligence, and the trolls in the marketing department.
35894 Plagiarize, plagiarize,
35895 Let no man's work evade your eyes,
35896 Remember why the good Lord made your eyes,
35897 Don't shade your eyes,
35898 But plagiarize, plagiarize, plagiarize.
35899 Only be sure to call it research.
35902 Planet Claire has pink hair.
35903 All the trees are red.
35904 No one ever dies there.
35905 No one has a head....
35907 Plastic... Aluminum... These are the inheritors of the Universe!
35908 Flesh and Blood have had their day... and that day is past!
35909 -- Green Lantern Comics
35911 Plato, by the way, wanted to banish all poets from his proposed Utopia
35912 because they were liars. The truth was that Plato knew philosophers
35913 couldn't compete successfully with poets.
35914 -- Kilgore Trout, "Venus on the Half Shell"
35916 PLATONIC FRIENDSHIP:
35917 What develops when two people get
35918 tired of making love to each other.
35920 Please do not look directly into laser with remaining eye.
35922 Please don't put a strain on our friendship
35923 by asking me to do something for you.
35925 Please don't recommend me to your friends--
35926 it's difficult enough to cope with you alone.
35928 PLEASE DON'T SMOKE HERE!
35930 Penalty: An early, lingering death from cancer,
35931 emphysema, or other smoking-caused ailment.
35933 Please forgive me if, in the heat of battle,
35934 I sometimes forget which side I'm on.
35938 Please help keep the world clean: others may wish to use it.
35940 Please ignore previous fortune.
35942 Please keep your hands off the secretary's reproducing equipment.
35944 Please, Mother! I'd rather do it myself!
35946 Please remain calm, it's no use both of
35947 us being hysterical at the same time.
35949 Please stand for the Nation Anthem:
35952 Our home and native land
35954 In all thy sons' command
35955 With glowing hearts we see thee rise
35956 The true north strong and free
35957 From far and wide, O Canada
35958 We stand on guard for thee
35959 God keep our land glorious and free
35960 O Canada we stand on guard for thee
35961 O Canada we stand on guard for thee
35963 Thank you. You may resume your seat.
35965 Please stand for the National Anthem:
35967 Australian's all, let us rejoice,
35968 For we are young and free.
35969 We've golden soil and wealth for toil
35970 Our home is girt by sea.
35971 Our land abounds in nature's gifts
35972 Of beauty rich and rare.
35973 In history's page, let every stage
35974 Advance Australia Fair.
35975 In joyful strains then let us sing,
35976 Advance Australia Fair.
35978 Thank you. You may resume your seat.
35980 Please stand for the National Anthem:
35982 God save our Gracious Queen!
35983 Long live our Noble Queen!
35984 God save the Queen!
35985 Send her victorious,
35986 Happy and glorious,
35987 Long to reign o'er us!
35988 God save the Queen!
35990 Thank you. You may resume your seat.
35992 Please stand for the National Anthem:
35994 Oh, say can you see by dawn's early light
35995 What so proudly we hailed at the twilight's last gleaming?
35996 Whose broad stripes and bright stars through the perilous fight
35997 O'er the ramparts we watched were so gallantly streaming?
35998 And the rockets' red glare, the bombs bursting in air,
35999 Gave proof through the night that our flag was still there.
36000 Oh, say does that star-spangled banner yet wave
36001 O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave?
36003 Thank you. You may resume your seat.
36007 Please try to limit the amount of "this room doesn't have any bazingas"
36008 until you are told that those rooms are "punched out." Once punched out,
36009 we have a right to complain about atrocities, missing bazingas, and such.
36012 Please, won't somebody tell me what diddie-wa-diddie means?
36014 PL/I -- "the fatal disease" -- belongs more to the problem set than to the
36016 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5
36018 Plots are like girdles. Hidden, they hold your interest; revealed, they're
36019 of no interest except to fetishists. Like girdles, they attempt to contain
36020 an uncontainable experience.
36025 Plus ca change, plus c'est le meme chose.
36028 Nothing is so good that somebody, somewhere, will not hate it.
36030 poisoned coffee, n:
36031 Grounds for divorce.
36033 Poland has gun control.
36035 Political history is far too criminal a subject to be a fit thing to
36039 Political speeches are like steer horns. A point
36040 here, a point there, and a lot of bull inbetween.
36041 -- Alfred E. Neuman
36043 Political television commercials prove one thing: some candidates
36044 can tell all their good points and qualifications in just 30 seconds.
36047 From the Greek 'poly' ("many") and the French 'tete' ("head" or
36048 "face," as in 'tete-a-tete': head to head or face to face).
36049 Hence 'polytetien', a person of two or more faces.
36052 Politicians are the same everywhere. They promise
36053 to build a bridge even where there is no river.
36054 -- Nikita Khrushchev
36056 Politicians should read science fiction, not westerns and detective stories.
36057 -- Arthur C. Clarke
36059 Politicians speak for their parties, and parties never are, never have
36060 been, and never will be wrong.
36063 Politics -- the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign
36064 funds from the rich by promising to protect each from the other.
36067 Politics and the fate of mankind are formed by men without ideals and
36068 without greatness. Those who have greatness within them do not go in
36072 Politics are almost as exciting as war, and quite as
36073 dangerous. In war, you can only be killed once.
36074 -- Winston Churchill
36076 Politics, as a practice, whatever its professions, has always been the
36077 systematic organisation of hatreds.
36078 -- Henry Adams, "The Education of Henry Adams"
36080 Politics is like coaching a football team. You have to be smart
36081 enough to understand the game but not smart enough to lose interest.
36083 Politics is not the art of the possible. It consists in choosing
36084 between the disastrous and the unpalatable.
36085 -- John Kenneth Galbraith
36087 Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to
36088 realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
36091 Politics is the ability to foretell what is going to happen tomorrow, next
36092 week, next month and next year. And to have the ability afterwards to
36093 explain why it didn't happen.
36094 -- Winston Churchill
36096 Politics, like religion, hold up the
36097 torches of matrydom to the reformers of error.
36098 -- Thomas Jefferson
36100 Politics makes strange bedfellows, and journalism makes strange politics.
36104 A strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles.
36105 The conduct of public affairs for private advantage.
36108 Pollyanna's Educational Constant:
36109 The hyperactive child is never absent.
36114 Polymer physicists are into chains.
36117 When you pull a plastic garbage bag from its handy dispenser
36118 package, you always get hold of the closed end and try to
36121 Pope Goestheveezl was the shortest reigning pope in the history of the
36122 Church, reigning for two hours and six minutes on 1 April 1866. The white
36123 smoke had hardly faded into the blue of the Vatican skies before it dawned
36124 on the assembled multitudes in St. Peter's Square that his name had hilarious
36125 possibilities. The crowds fell about, helpless with laughter, singing
36127 Half a pound of tuppenny rice
36128 Half a pound of treacle
36129 That's the way the chimney smokes
36132 The square was finally cleared by armed carabineri with tears of laughter
36133 streaming down their faces. The event set a record for hilarious civic
36134 functions, smashing the previous record set when Baron Hans Neizant
36135 Bompzidaize was elected Landburgher of Koln in 1653.
36136 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
36138 Populus vult decipi.
36139 [The people like to be deceived.]
36141 Porsche; there simply is no substitute.
36145 Being mistaken at the top of your voice.
36147 Possessions increase to fill the space available for their storage.
36150 Post proelium, praemium.
36151 [After the battle, the reward.]
36153 Postmen never die, they just lose their zip.
36155 Potahto' Pictures Productions Presents:
36157 SPUD ROGERS OF THE 25TH CENTURY: Story of an Air Force potato that's
36158 left in a rarely used chow hall for over two centuries and wakes up in a world
36159 populated by soybean created imitations under the evil Dick Tater. Thanks to
36160 him, the soy-potatoes learn that being a 'tater is where it's at. Memorable
36161 line, "'Cause I'm just a stud spud!"
36163 FRIDAY THE 13TH DINER SERIES: Crazed potato who was left in a
36164 fryer too long and was charbroiled carelessly returns to wreak havoc on
36165 unsuspecting, would-be teen camp cooks. Scenes include a girl being stuffed
36166 with chives and Fleischman's Margarine and a boy served up on a side dish
36167 with beets and dressing. Definitely not for the squeamish, or those on
36168 diets that are driving them crazy.
36170 FRIDAY THE 13TH DINER II,III,IV,V,VI: Much, much more of the same.
36171 Except with sour cream.
36173 Potahto' Pictures Productions Presents:
36175 THE TATERNATOR: Cyborg spud returns from the future to present-day
36176 McDonald's restaurant to kill the potatoess (girl 'tater) who will give birth
36177 to the world's largest french fry (The Dark Powers of Burger King are clearly
36178 behind this). Most quotable line: "Ah'll be baked..."
36180 A FISTFUL OF FRIES: Western in which our hero, The Spud with No Name,
36181 rides into a town that's deprived of carbohydrates thanks to the evil takeover
36182 of the low-cal Scallopinni Brothers. Plenty of smokeouts, fry-em-ups, and
36183 general butter-melting by all.
36185 FOR A FEW FRIES MORE: Takes up where AFOF left off! Cameo by Walter
36186 Cronkite, as every man's common 'tater!
36189 An unfortunate state that persists as long
36190 as anyone lacks anything he would like to have.
36192 Poverty begins at home.
36194 Poverty must have its satisfactions, else there would not be so many
36199 The only narcotic regulated by the SEC instead of the FDA.
36201 Power and ignorance is a detestable cocktail.
36202 -- Poul Henningsen [1894-1967]
36204 Power corrupts. Absolute power is kind of neat.
36205 -- John Lehman, Secretary of the Navy, 1981-1987
36209 Power is the finest token of affection.
36211 Power, like a desolating pestilence,
36212 Pollutes whate'er it touches...
36213 -- Percy Bysshe Shelley
36215 Power tends to corrupt, absolute power corrupts absolutely.
36218 PPRB -- Pillage, plunder, rape and burn.
36220 Practical people would be more practical if
36221 they would take a little more time for dreaming.
36224 Practical politics consists in ignoring facts.
36227 Practically perfect people never permit
36228 sentiment to muddle their thinking.
36231 Practice is the best of all instructors.
36234 Practice yourself what you preach.
36235 -- Titus Maccius Plautus
36238 Vast plains covered by treeless forests.
36240 Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition.
36241 -- Stephen Coonts, "The Minotaur"
36243 Praise the sea; on shore remain.
36247 To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf
36248 of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.
36251 Pray to God, but keep rowing to shore.
36254 Predestination was doomed from the start.
36256 Prediction is very difficult, especially of the future.
36260 A vagrant opinion without visible means of support.
36263 Premature optimization is the root of all evil.
36266 Preserve the old, but know the new.
36268 Preserve wildlife -- pickle a squirrel today!
36270 Preserve Wildlife! Throw a party today!
36272 President Reagan has noted that there are too many economic
36273 pundits and forecasters and has decided on an excess prophets tax.
36275 President Thieu says he'll quit if he doesn't get more than 50%
36276 of the vote. In a democracy, that's not called quitting.
36277 -- The Washington Post
36279 Pretend to spank me -- I'm a pseudo-masochist!
36281 Preudhomme's Law of Window Cleaning:
36282 It's on the other side.
36285 It's all a game -- play it to have fun.
36287 [Prime Minister Joseph] Chamberlain loves
36288 the working man, he loves to see him work.
36289 -- Winston Churchill
36291 [Prime Minister MacDonald] has the gift of compressing the
36292 largest amount of words into the smallest amount of thought.
36293 -- Winston Churchill
36295 Prince Hamlet thought Uncle a traitor
36296 For having it off with his Mater;
36297 Revenge Dad or not?
36298 That's the gist of the plot,
36299 And he did -- nine soliloquies later.
36300 -- Stanley J. Sharpless
36302 Princeton's taste is sweet like a strawberry tart. Harvard's is a subtle
36303 taste, like whiskey, coffee, or tobacco. It may even be a bad habit, for
36305 -- Prof. J.H. Finley '25
36308 A statement of the importance of a user or a program. Often
36309 expressed as a relative priority, indicating that the user doesn't
36310 care when the work is completed so long as he is treated less
36311 badly than someone else.
36313 Prisons are built with stones of Law, brothels with bricks of Religion.
36316 Prizes are for children.
36318 upon being given, but refusing, the Pulitzer prize
36320 Pro is to con as progress is to Congress.
36322 Probable-Possible, my black hen,
36323 She lays eggs in the Relative When.
36324 She doesn't lay eggs in the Positive Now
36325 Because she's unable to postulate How.
36326 -- Frederick Winsor
36329 A man who never buys.
36331 Producers seem to be so prejudiced against actors who've had no training.
36332 And there's no reason for it. So what if I didn't attend the Royal Academy
36333 for twelve years? I'm still a professional trying to be the best actress
36334 I can. Why doesn't anyone send me the scripts that Faye Dunaway gets?
36335 -- Farrah Fawcett-Majors
36337 Profanity is the one language all programmers know best.
36339 Professor Gorden Newell threw another shutout in last week's Chem Eng. 130
36340 midterm. Once again a student did not receive a single point on his exam.
36341 Newell has now tossed 5 shutouts this quarter. Newell's earned exam average
36342 has now dropped to a phenomenal 30%.
36345 Any task that can't be completed in one telephone call or one
36346 day. Once a task is defined as a program ("training program,"
36347 "sales program," or "marketing program"), its implementation
36348 always justifies hiring at least three more people.
36351 A magic spell cast over a computer allowing it to turn one's input
36352 into error messages. tr.v. To engage in a pastime similar to banging
36353 one's head against a wall, but with fewer opportunities for reward.
36355 Programmers do it bit by bit.
36357 Programmers used to batch environments may find it hard to live
36358 without giant listings; we would find it hard to use them.
36361 Programming Department:
36362 Mistakes made while you wait.
36364 Programming is an unnatural act.
36367 Medieval man thought disease was caused by invisible demons
36368 invading the body and taking possession of it.
36370 Modern man knows disease is caused by microscopic bacteria
36371 and viruses invading the body and causing it to malfunction.
36373 Progress is impossible without change, and those who
36374 cannot change their minds cannot change anything.
36377 Progress means replacing a theory that
36378 is wrong with one more subtly wrong.
36380 Progress might have been all right once, but it's gone on too long.
36383 Progress was all right. Only it went on too long.
36386 Promise her anything, but give her Exxon unleaded.
36388 Promising costs nothing, it's the delivering that kills you.
36390 PROMOTION FROM WITHIN:
36391 A system of moving incompetents up to the policy-making
36392 level where they can't foul up operations.
36394 Promptness is its own reward, if one lives by the clock instead of the sword.
36396 Proof techniques #1: Proof by Induction.
36398 This technique is used on equations with 'n' in them. Induction
36399 techniques are very popular, even the military use them.
36401 SAMPLE: Proof of induction without proof of induction.
36403 We know it's true for n equal to 1. Now assume that it's true
36404 for every natural number less than n. N is arbitrary, so we can take n
36405 as large as we want. If n is sufficiently large, the case of n+1 is
36406 trivially equivalent, so the only important n are n less than n. We can
36407 take n = n (from above), so it's true for n+1 because it's just about n.
36408 QED. (QED translates from the Latin as "So what?")
36410 Proper treatment will cure a cold in seven days,
36411 but left to itself, a cold will hang on for a week.
36414 Prosperity makes friends, adversity tries them.
36417 Prototype designs always work.
36421 First stage in the life cycle of a computer product, followed by
36422 pre-alpha, alpha, beta, release version, corrected release version,
36423 upgrade, corrected upgrade, etc. Unlike its successors, the
36424 prototype is not expected to work.
36426 Providence New Jersey is one of the few cities
36427 where Velveeta cheese appears on the gourmet shelf.
36429 Prunes give you a run for your money.
36431 Pryor's Observation:
36432 How long you live has nothing to do
36433 with how long you are going to be dead.
36435 Psychiatry enables us to correct our faults by confessing our parents'
36437 -- Laurence J. Peter, "Peter's Principles"
36439 Psychics will soon lead dogs to your body.
36441 Psychoanalysis is that mental illness for which it regards itself
36445 Psychiatry is the care of the id by the odd.
36447 Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.
36451 Someone who watches everyone else when an attractive woman walks
36454 Psychologists think they're experimental psychologists.
36455 Experimental psychologists think they're biologists.
36456 Biologists think they're biochemists.
36457 Biochemists think they're chemists.
36458 Chemists think they're physical chemists.
36459 Physical chemists think they're physicists.
36460 Physicists think they're theoretical physicists.
36461 Theoretical physicists think they're mathematicians.
36462 Mathematicians think they're metamathematicians.
36463 Metamathematicians think they're philosophers.
36464 Philosophers think they're gods.
36466 Psychology. Mind over matter.
36467 Mind under matter? It doesn't matter.
36470 Public use of any portable music system is a
36471 virtually guaranteed indicator of sociopathic tendencies.
36474 Publishing a volume of verse is like dropping
36475 a rose petal down the Grand Canyon and waiting for the echo.
36478 Anything that begins well will end badly.
36479 (Note: The converse of Pudder's law is not true.)
36481 Punning is the worst vice, and there's no vice versa.
36483 Puns are little "plays on words" that a certain breed of person loves to
36484 spring on you and then look at you in a certain self-satisfied way to indicate
36485 that he thinks that you must think that he is by far the cleverest person
36486 on Earth now that Benjamin Franklin is dead, when in fact what you are
36487 thinking is that if this person ever ends up in a lifeboat, the other
36488 passengers will hurl him overboard by the end of the first day even if they
36489 have plenty of food and water.
36495 Someone who is deathly afraid that
36496 someone, somewhere, is having fun.
36498 Puritanism -- the haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.
36499 -- H.L. Mencken, "A Book of Burlesques"
36502 To take something off the grocery shelf, decide you
36503 don't want it, and then put it in another section.
36504 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
36506 Push where it gives and scratch where it itches.
36508 Pushing 30 is exercise enough.
36510 Pushing forty is exercise enough.
36512 Put a pot of chili on the stove to simmer.
36513 Let it simmer. Meanwhile, broil a good steak.
36514 Eat the steak. Let the chili simmer. Ignore it.
36515 -- Recipe for chili from Allan Shrivers, former governor
36518 Put a rogue in the limelight and he will act like an honest man.
36519 -- Napoleon Bonaparte, "Maxims"
36521 Put all your eggs in one basket and -- WATCH THAT BASKET.
36524 Put another password in,
36525 Bomb it out, then try again.
36526 Try to get past logging in,
36527 We're hacking, hacking, hacking.
36529 Try his first wife's maiden name,
36530 This is more than just a game.
36531 It's real fun, but just the same,
36532 It's hacking, hacking, hacking.
36534 Put cats in the coffee and mice in the tea!
36536 Put not your trust in money, but put your money in trust.
36538 Put your best foot forward.
36539 Or just call in and say you're sick.
36541 Put your brain in gear before starting your mouth in motion.
36543 Put your Nose to the Grindstone!
36544 -- Amalgamated Plastic Surgeons and Toolmakers, Ltd.
36546 Put your trust in those who are worthy.
36549 Technology is dominated by two types of people:
36550 Those who understand what they do not manage.
36551 Those who manage what they do not understand.
36553 Pyro's of the world... IGNITE !!!
36558 Q: Do you know what the death rate around here is?
36561 Q: Have you heard about the man who didn't pay for his exorcism?
36562 A: He got re-possessed!
36564 Q: How can we get the Beatles to reunite for one more concert?
36565 A: With three more bullets.
36567 Q: How can you tell if an elephant is having an affair with
36569 A: You have to wait 22 months.
36571 Q: How can you tell if an elephant is sitting on your back
36573 A: You can hear his ears flapping in the wind.
36575 Q: How can you tell when a Burroughs salesman is lying?
36576 A: When his lips move.
36578 Q: How did the elephant get to the top of the oak tree?
36579 A: He sat on a acorn and waited for spring.
36581 Q: But how did he get back down?
36582 A: He crawled out on a leaf and waited for autumn.
36584 Q: How do you catch a unique rabbit?
36585 A: Unique up on it!
36587 Q: How do you catch a tame rabbit?
36590 Q: How do you keep a moron in suspense?
36592 Q. How do you keep an Aggie busy at a terminal?
36593 A. While he's not looking, switch it to "local".
36595 Q: How do you know when you're in the <ethnic> section of Vermont?
36596 A: The maple sap buckets are hanging on utility poles.
36598 Q: How do you make an elephant float?
36599 A: You get two scoops of elephant and some rootbeer...
36601 Q: How do you play religious roulette?
36602 A: You stand around in a circle and blaspheme and see who gets
36603 struck by lightning first.
36605 Q: How do you save a drowning lawyer?
36606 A: Throw him a rock.
36608 Q: How do you shoot a blue elephant?
36609 A: With a blue-elephant gun.
36611 Q: How do you shoot a pink elephant?
36612 A: Twist its trunk until it turns blue, then shoot it with
36613 a blue-elephant gun.
36615 Q: How do you stop an elephant from charging?
36616 A: Take away his credit cards.
36618 Q: How does a hacker fix a function which
36619 doesn't work for all of the elements in its domain?
36620 A: He changes the domain.
36622 Q: How does a single woman in New York get rid of cockroaches?
36623 A: She asks them for a commitment.
36625 Q: How does a WASP propose marriage?
36626 A: "How would you like to be buried with my people?"
36628 Q: How many Bell Labs Vice Presidents does it take to change a light bulb?
36629 A: That's proprietary information. Answer available from AT&T on payment
36630 of license fee (binary only).
36632 Q: How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?
36633 A: Two. One to assure everyone that everything possible is being
36634 done while the other screws the bulb into the water faucet.
36636 Q: How many Californians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
36637 A: Five. One to screw in the lightbulb and four to share the
36638 experience. (Actually, Californians don't screw in
36639 lightbulbs, they screw in hot tubs.)
36641 Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
36642 A: Three. One to screw in the lightbulb and two to fend off all
36643 those Californians trying to share the experience.
36645 Q: How many college football players does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
36646 A: Only one, but he gets three credits for it.
36648 Q: How many DEC repairmen does it take to fix a flat?
36649 A: Five; four to hold the car up and one to swap tires.
36651 Q: How long does it take?
36652 A: It's indeterminate.
36653 It will depend upon how many flats they've brought with them.
36655 Q: What happens if you've got TWO flats?
36656 A: They replace your generator.
36658 Q: How many Democrats does it take to enjoy a good joke?
36659 A: One more than you can find.
36661 Q: How many elephants can you fit in a VW Bug?
36662 A: Four. Two in the front, two in the back.
36664 Q: How can you tell if an elephant is in your refrigerator?
36665 A: There's a footprint in the mayo.
36667 Q: How can you tell if two elephants are in your refrigerator?
36668 A: There's two footprints in the mayo.
36670 Q: How can you tell if three elephants are in your refrigerator?
36671 A: The door won't shut.
36673 Q: How can you tell if four elephants are in your refrigerator?
36674 A: There's a VW Bug in your driveway.
36676 Q: How many hardware engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
36677 A: None. We'll fix it in software.
36679 Q: How many system programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
36680 A: None. The application can work around it.
36682 Q: How many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
36683 A: None. We'll document it in the manual.
36685 Q: How many tech writers does it take to change a lightbulb?
36686 A: None. The user can figure it out.
36688 Q: How many Harvard MBA's does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
36689 A: Just one. He grasps it firmly and the universe revolves around him.
36691 Q: How many IBM 370's does it take to execute a job?
36692 A: Four, three to hold it down, and one to rip its head off.
36694 Q: How many IBM CPU's does it take to do a logical right shift?
36695 A: 33. 1 to hold the bits and 32 to push the register.
36697 Q: How many IBM types does it take to change a light bulb?
36698 A: Fifteen. One to do it, and fourteen to write document number
36699 GC7500439-0001, Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility,
36700 of which 10% of the pages state only "This page intentionally
36701 left blank", and 20% of the definitions are of the form "A:.....
36702 consists of sequences of non-blank characters separated by blanks".
36704 Q: How many journalists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
36705 A: Three. One to report it as an inspired government program to bring
36706 light to the people, one to report it as a diabolical government plot
36707 to deprive the poor of darkness, and one to win a Pulitzer prize for
36708 reporting that Electric Company hired a lightbulb-assassin to break
36709 the bulb in the first place.
36711 Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
36712 A: One. Only it's his light bulb when he's done.
36714 Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
36715 A: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", and the
36716 party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith
36717 agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part shall be removed
36718 from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed
36719 upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of
36720 the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entryway, terminating
36721 at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of
36722 the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the
36723 second part and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the
36725 The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be
36726 limited to, the following. The party of the first part shall, with or without
36727 elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other
36728 means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part and rotate the party
36729 of the second part in a counter-clockwise direction, this point being tendered
36730 non-negotiable. Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part
36731 becomes fully detached from the receptacle, the party of the first part shall
36732 have the option of disposing of the party of the second part in a manner
36733 consistent with all relevant and applicable local, state and federal statutes.
36734 Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part
36735 shall have the option of beginning installation. Aforesaid installation shall
36736 occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in
36737 step one of this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation
36738 should occur in a clockwise direction, this point also being non-negotiable.
36739 The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the
36740 first part, by any or all agents authorized by him, the objective being to
36741 produce the most possible revenue for the Partnership.
36743 Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
36744 A: You won't find a lawyer who can change a light bulb. Now, if
36745 you're looking for a lawyer to screw a light bulb...
36747 Q: How many marketing people does it take to change a lightbulb?
36748 A: I'll have to get back to you on that.
36750 Q: How many Marxists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
36751 A: None: The lightbulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.
36753 Q: How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
36754 A: One. He gives it to six Californians, thereby reducing the problem
36755 to the earlier joke.
36757 Q: How many members of the U.S.S. Enterprise does it take to change a
36759 A: Seven. Scotty has to report to Captain Kirk that the light bulb in
36760 the Engineering Section is getting dim, at which point Kirk will send
36761 Bones to pronounce the bulb dead (although he'll immediately claim
36762 that he's a doctor, not an electrician). Scotty, after checking
36763 around, realizes that they have no more new light bulbs, and complains
36764 that he "canna" see in the dark. Kirk will make an emergency stop at
36765 the next uncharted planet, Alpha Regula IV, to procure a light bulb
36766 from the natives, who, are friendly, but seem to be hiding something.
36767 Kirk, Spock, Bones, Yeoman Rand and two red shirt security officers
36768 beam down to the planet, where the two security officers are promply
36769 killed by the natives, and the rest of the landing party is captured.
36770 As something begins to develop between the Captain and Yeoman Rand,
36771 Scotty, back in orbit, is attacked by a Klingon destroyer and must
36772 warp out of orbit. Although badly outgunned, he cripples the Klingon
36773 and races back to the planet in order to rescue Kirk et. al. who have
36774 just saved the natives' from an awful fate and, as a reward, been
36775 given all lightbulbs they can carry. The new bulb is then inserted
36776 and the Enterprise continues on its five year mission.
36778 Q: How many people from New Jersey does it take to change a light
36780 A: Three. One to do it, one to watch, and the third to shoot the
36783 Q: How many pre-med's does it take to change a lightbulb?
36784 A: Five: One to change the bulb and four to pull the ladder
36785 out from under him.
36787 Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
36788 A: Only one, but it takes a long time, and the light bulb has
36789 to really want to change.
36791 Q: "How many Romulans does it take to screw in a light bulb?"
36792 A: "Twelve; one to screw the light-bulb in, and eleven to self-destruct
36793 the ship out of disgrace."
36795 [Warning: do not tell this joke to Romulans or else be ready for
36796 a fight. They consider this it to be a discrace, though it's
36797 pretty good for a LBJ. Ed.]
36799 Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
36800 A: Two, one to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the bathtub
36801 with brightly colored machine tools.
36803 [Surrealist jokes just aren't my cup of fur. Ed.]
36805 Q: How many WASP's does it take to change a lightbulb?
36808 Q: How much does it cost to ride the Unibus?
36811 Q: How was Thomas J. Watson buried?
36814 Q: Know what the difference between your latest project
36815 and putting wings on an elephant is?
36816 A: Who knows? The elephant *might* fly, heh, heh...
36818 Q: Minnesotans ask, "Why aren't there more pharmacists from Alabama?"
36819 A: Easy. It's because they can't figure out how to get the little
36820 bottles into the typewriter.
36822 Q: Somebody just posted that Roman Polanski directed Star Wars.
36825 A: Post the correct answer at once! We can't have people go on
36826 believing that! Very good of you to spot this. You'll probably
36827 be the only one to make the correction, so post as soon as you
36828 can. No time to lose, so certainly don't wait a day, or check to
36829 see if somebody else has made the correction. And it's not good
36830 enough to send the message by mail. Since you're the only one who
36831 really knows that it was Francis Coppola, you have to inform the
36832 whole net right away!
36833 -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette
36835 Q: What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill?
36836 A: "The elephants are coming over the hill."
36838 Q: What did he say when saw them coming over the hill wearing
36840 A: Nothing, for he didn't recognize them.
36842 Q: What do a blonde and your computer have in common?
36843 A: You don't know how much either of them mean to you until
36844 they go down on you.
36846 Q: What's the advantage to being married to a blonde?
36847 A: You can park in the handicapped zone.
36849 Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw
36850 puzzle in only 6 months?
36851 A: Because on the box it said "From 2-4 years".
36853 Q: What do little WASPs want to be when they grow up?
36854 A: The very best person they can possibly be.
36856 Q: What do monsters eat?
36859 Q: What do monsters drink?
36860 A: Coke. (Because Things go better with Coke.)
36862 Q: What do they call the alphabet in Arkansas?
36863 A: The impossible dream.
36865 Q: What do WASP's do instead of making love?
36866 A: Rule the country.
36868 Q: What do Winnie the Pooh and John the Baptist have in common?
36869 A: The same middle name.
36871 Q: What do you call 15 blondes in a circle?
36874 Q: Why do blondes put their hair in ponytails?
36875 A: To cover up the valve stem.
36877 Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw
36878 puzzle in only 6 months?
36879 A: Because on the box it said "From 2-4 years".
36881 Q: What do you call a blind pre-historic animal?
36882 A: Diyathinkhesaurus.
36884 Q: What do you call a blind pre-historic animal with a dog?
36885 A: Diyathinkhesaurus Rex.
36887 Q: What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?
36890 Q: What do you call a brunette between two blondes?
36893 Q: Why do blondes have square breasts?
36894 A: They forgot to take the tissues out of the box.
36896 Q: What do you call ten blonds in a row?
36899 Q: What do you call a dog with no legs?
36900 A: What does it matter? He can't come anyway.
36902 [I got a dog with no legs -- I call him Cigarette.
36903 Every night, I take him out for a drag. Ed.]
36905 Q: What do you call a group of kids with low IQ's, drinking diet cola,
36906 eating fruit, and singing?
36907 A: The Moron Tab and Apple Choir.
36909 Q: What do you call a half-dozen Indians with Asian flu?
36910 A: Six sick Sikhs (sic).
36912 Q: What do you call a million cats at the bottom of Lake Michigan?
36915 Q: What do you call a principal female opera singer whose high C
36916 is lower than those of other principal female opera singers?
36919 Q. What do you call a TV set that fixes itself?
36920 A. A Christian Science Monitor.
36922 Q: What do you call a WASP who doesn't work for his father, isn't a
36923 lawyer, and believes in social causes?
36926 Q: What do you call the money you pay to the government when
36927 you ride into the country on the back of an elephant?
36930 Q: What do you call the scratches that you get when a female
36934 Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with an attorney?
36935 A: An offer you can't understand.
36937 Q: What do you get when you stuff a flaming stick down a rabbit-hole?
36938 A: Hot cross bunnies!
36940 Q: What do you have when you have a lawyer buried up to his neck in sand?
36941 A: Not enough sand.
36943 Q: What does a blonde do first theing in the morning?
36946 Q: Why does blonde have fur on the hem of her dress?
36947 A: To keep her neck warm.
36949 Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Monday?
36950 A: Tell her a joke on Friday.
36952 Q: What does a WASP Mom make for dinner?
36953 A: A crisp salad, a hearty soup, a lovely entree, followed by
36954 a delicious dessert.
36956 Q: What does it say on the bottom of Coke cans in North Dakota?
36959 Q: What goes: Sis! Boom! Baaaaah!
36960 A: Exploding sheep.
36962 Q: What happens when four WASP's find themselves in the same room?
36965 Q: What is green and lives in the ocean?
36968 Q: What is it that a cow has four of and a woman has two of?
36971 Q: What is orange and goes "click, click?"
36972 A: A ball point carrot.
36974 Q: What is printed on the bottom of beer bottles in Minnesota?
36977 Q: What is purple and commutes?
36978 A: A boolean grape.
36980 Q: What is purple and commutes?
36981 A: An Abelian grape.
36983 Q: What is purple and concord the world?
36984 A: Alexander the Grape.
36986 Q: "What is the burning question on the mind of every dyslexic
36988 A: "Is there a dog?"
36990 Q: What is the difference between a duck?
36991 A: One leg is both the same.
36993 Q: What is the difference between Texas and yogurt?
36994 A: Yogurt has culture.
36996 Q: What is the last thing a Kansas stripper takes off?
36997 A: Her bowling shoes.
36999 Q: What is the mating call of a blonde?
37000 A: I think I'm drunk.
37002 Q: What's the call of a disappointed blonde?
37003 A: I *said*, I *think* I'm drunk!
37005 Q: What is the mating call of the ugly blonde?
37006 A: (Screaming) "I said: I'm drunk!"
37008 Q: What is the sound of one cat napping?
37011 Q: What lies on the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
37012 A: A nervous wreck.
37014 Q: What looks like a cat, flies like a bat, brays like a donkey, and
37015 plays like a monkey?
37018 Q: What's black and white and red all over?
37019 A: Two nuns in a chainsaw fight.
37021 Q: What's bruised, bleeding, and lies in a ditch?
37022 A: Somebody who tells Aggie jokes.
37024 Q: What's tan and black and looks great on a lawyer?
37027 Q: What's the Blonde's cheer?
37028 A: I'm blonde, I'm blonde, I'm B.L.O.N... ah, oh well..
37029 I'm blonde, I'm blonde, yea yea yea...
37031 Q: What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette?
37032 A: Artificial intelligence.
37034 Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?
37035 A: Shine a flashlight in their ear.
37037 Q. What's the capital of Canada?
37040 Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead
37041 lawyer in the road?
37042 A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.
37044 Q: What's the difference between a duck and an elephant?
37045 A: You can't get down off an elephant.
37047 Q: What's the difference between a Mac and an Etch-a-Sketch?
37048 A: You don't have to shake the Mac to clear the screen.
37050 Q: What's the difference between a RHU cheerleader and a whale?
37053 Q: What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish wake?
37056 Q: What's the difference between Bell Labs and the Boy Scouts of America?
37057 A: The Boy Scouts have adult supervision.
37059 Q. What's the difference between Los Angeles and yogurt?
37060 A. Yogurt has a living, active culture.
37062 Q: What's tiny and yellow and very, very, dangerous?
37063 A: A canary with the super-user password.
37065 Q: What's yellow, and equivalent to the Axiom of Choice?
37068 Q: Where's the Lone Ranger take his garbage?
37069 A: To the dump, to the dump, to the dump dump dump!
37071 Q: What's the Pink Panther say when he steps on an ant hill?
37072 A: Dead ant, dead ant, dead ant dead ant dead ant...
37074 Q: Who cuts the grass on Walton's Mountain?
37077 Q: Why are Jewish divorces so expensive?
37078 A: Because they're worth it!
37080 Q: Why did the astrophysicist order three hamburgers?
37081 A: Because he was hungry.
37083 Q: Why did the blonde climb over the glass wall?
37084 A: To see what was on the other side.
37086 Q: Why do blondes like tilt steering wheels?
37089 Q: How does a blonde turn on the light after having sex?
37090 A: She opens the car door.
37092 Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
37093 A: He was giving it last rites.
37095 Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
37096 A: To see his friend Gregory peck.
37098 Q: Why did the chicken cross the playground?
37099 A: To get to the other slide.
37101 Q: Why did the germ cross the microscope?
37102 A: To get to the other slide.
37104 Q: Why did the lone ranger kill Tonto?
37105 A: He found out what "kimosabe" really means.
37107 Q: Why did the mathematician name his dog "Cauchy"?
37108 A: Because he left a residue at every pole.
37110 Q: Why did the programmer call his mother long distance?
37111 A: Because that was her name.
37113 Q: Why did the WASP cross the road?
37114 A: To get to the middle.
37116 Q: Why do ducks have big flat feet?
37117 A: To stamp out forest fires.
37119 Q: Why do elephants have big flat feet?
37120 A: To stamp out flaming ducks.
37122 Q: Why do firemen wear red suspenders?
37123 A: To conform with departmental regulations concerning uniform dress.
37125 Q: Why do mountain climbers rope themselves together?
37126 A: To prevent the sensible ones from going home.
37128 Q: Why do people who live near Niagara Falls have flat foreheads?
37129 A: Because every morning they wake up thinking "What *is* that noise?
37130 Oh, right, *of course*!
37132 Q: Why do the police always travel in threes?
37133 A: One to do the reading, one to do the writing, and the other keeps
37134 an eye on the two intellectuals.
37136 Q: Why does Washington have the most lawyers per capita and
37137 New Jersey the most toxic waste dumps?
37138 A: God gave New Jersey first choice.
37140 Q: Why don't blondes eat pickles?
37141 A: Because they get their head stuck in the jars.
37143 Q: Why do blondes wear underwear?
37144 A: To keep their ankles warm.
37146 Q: How do you kill a blonde?
37147 A: Put spikes in her shoulder pads.
37149 Q: Why don't lawyers go to the beach?
37150 A: The cats keep trying to bury them.
37152 Q: Why don't Scotsmen ever have coffee the way they like it?
37153 A: Well, they like it with two lumps of sugar. If they drink
37154 it at home, they only take one, and if they drink it while
37155 visiting, they always take three.
37157 Q: Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?
37158 A: You do all of the work and the fat guy in the suit
37159 gets all the credit.
37161 Q: Why is it that the more accuracy you demand from an interpolation
37162 function, the more expensive it becomes to compute?
37163 A: That's the Law of Spline Demand.
37165 Q: Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks?
37166 A: It takes too long to retrain them.
37168 Q: What's the mating call of the brunette?
37169 A: All the blondes have gone home!
37171 Q: How do you tell if a blonde's been using the computer?
37172 A: There's white-out on the screen.
37174 Q: Why should you always serve a Southern Carolina football man
37176 A: 'Cause if you give him a bowl, he'll throw it away.
37178 Q: Why was Stonehenge abandoned?
37179 A: It wasn't IBM compatible.
37181 Q: What do you get when you cross a mobster with an international standard?
37182 A: You get someone who makes you an offer that you can't understand!
37184 Q: What's the difference betweeen USL and the Graf Zeppelin?
37185 A: The Graf Zeppelin represented cutting edge technology for its time.
37187 Q: What's the difference between USL and the Titanic?
37188 A: The Titanic had a band.
37193 "It's not the despair... I can stand the despair. It's the hope."
37196 "A child of 5 could understand this! Fetch me a child of 5."
37199 "A university faculty is 500 egotists with a common parking problem."
37202 All I want is a little more than I'll ever get.
37205 All I want is more than my fair share.
37208 "Dead people are good at running because they don't
37209 have to stop and breathe."
37210 -- Hokey, watching "Night of the Living Dead"
37213 "Don't let your mind wander -- it's too little to be let out alone."
37216 "East is east... and let's keep it that way."
37219 "Every morning I read the obituaries; if my name's not there,
37223 Flash! Flash! I love you! ...but we only have fourteen hours to
37227 "He eats like a bird... five times his own weight each day."
37230 "Her other car is a broom."
37233 "He's a perfectionist. If he married Raquel Welch, he'd expect
37237 "He's such a hick he doesn't even have a trapeze in his bedroom."
37240 How can I miss you if you won't go away?
37243 "I ain't broke, but I'm badly bent."
37246 "I am not sure what this is, but an 'F' would only dignify it."
37249 "I don't think they could put him in a mental hospital. On the
37250 other hand, if he were already in, I don't think they'd let him out."
37253 "I drive my car quietly, for it goes without saying."
37256 "I haven't come far enough, and don't call me baby."
37259 I love your outfit, does it come in your size?
37262 "I may not be able to walk, but I drive from the sitting posistion."
37265 "I only touch base with reality on an as-needed basis!"
37268 I opened Pandora's box, let the cat out of the bag and put the
37269 ball in their court.
37270 -- Hon. J. Hacker (The Ministry of Administrative Affairs)
37273 "I sprinkled some baking powder over a couple of potatoes, but it
37277 "I thought I saw a unicorn on the way over, but it was just a
37278 horse with one of the horns broken off."
37281 "I treat her like a throughbred, and she's STILL a nag!"
37284 "I tried buying a goat instead of a lawn tractor; had to return
37285 it though. Couldn't figure out a way to connect the snow blower."
37288 "I used to be an idealist, but I got mugged by reality."
37291 "I used to be lost in the shuffle, now I just shuffle along with
37295 "I used to get high on life but lately I've built up a resistance."
37298 "I used to go to UCLA, but then my Dad got a job."
37301 "I used to jog, but the ice kept bouncing out of my glass."
37304 "I won't say he's untruthful, but his wife has to call the
37308 "I'd never marry a woman who didn't like pizza. I might play
37309 golf with her, but I wouldn't marry her."
37312 "If he learns from his mistakes, pretty soon he'll know everything."
37315 "If I could walk that way, I wouldn't need the aftershave."
37318 "If I'm what I eat, I'm a chocolate chip cookie."
37321 If it's too loud, you're too old.
37324 "If you keep an open mind people will throw a lot of garbage in it."
37327 If you're looking for trouble, I can offer you a wide selection.
37330 "I'll listen to reason when it comes out on CD."
37333 "I'm just a boy named 'su'..."
37336 I'm not a nerd -- I'm "socially challenged".
37339 I'm not bald -- I'm "hair challenged".
37341 [I thought that was "differently haired". Ed.]
37344 "I'm not really for apathy, but I'm not against it either..."
37347 "I'm on a seafood diet -- I see food and I eat it."
37350 "In the shopping mall of the mind, he's in the toy department."
37353 "It seems to me that your antenna doesn't bring in too many
37357 "It was so cold last winter that I saw a lawyer with his
37358 hands in his own pockets."
37361 "It's a cold bowl of chili, when love don't work out."
37364 "It's a dog-eat-dog world, and I'm wearing Milk Bone underwear."
37367 "It's been Monday all week today."
37370 "It's been real and it's been fun, but it hasn't been real fun."
37373 "It's hard to tell whether he has an ace up his sleeve or if
37374 the ace is missing from his deck altogether."
37377 "It's men like him that give the Y chromosome a bad name."
37380 "It's sort of a threat, you see. I've never been very good at
37381 them myself, but I'm told they can be very effective."
37384 "I've always wanted to work in the Federal Mint. And then go on
37385 strike. To make less money."
37388 "I've got one last thing to say before I go; give me back
37392 I've heard about civil Engineers, but I've never met one.
37395 "I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing
37399 "Just how much can I get away with and still go to heaven?"
37406 "Like this rose, our love will wilt and die."
37409 Ludwig Boltzmann, who spend much of his life studying statistical
37410 mechanics died in 1906 by his own hand. Paul Ehrenfest, carrying
37411 on the work, died similarly in 1933. Now it is our turn.
37412 -- Goodstein, States of Matter
37415 Money isn't everything, but at least it keeps the kids in touch.
37418 "My ambition is to marry a rich woman who's too proud to let
37422 "My life is a soap opera, but who gets the movie rights?"
37425 My mother was the travel agent for guilt trips.
37428 "My shampoo lasts longer than my relationships."
37431 "Of course it's the murder weapon. Who would frame someone with
37435 "Of course there's no reason for it, it's just our policy."
37438 "Oh, no, no... I'm not beautiful. Just very, very pretty."
37441 "Our parents were never our age."
37444 "Overweight is when you step on your dog's tail and it dies."
37447 "Say, you look pretty athletic. What say we put a pair of tennis
37448 shoes on you and run you into the wall?"
37451 Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing.
37454 "She's about as smart as bait."
37457 Silence is the only virtue he has left.
37460 Some people have one of those days. I've had one of those lives.
37463 "Sure, I turned down a drink once. Didn't understand the question."
37466 Talent does what it can, genius what it must.
37467 I do what I get paid to do.
37470 "The baby was so ugly they had to hang a pork chop around its
37471 neck to get the dog to play with it."
37474 "The elder gods went to Suggoth and all I got was this lousy T-shirt."
37477 The forest may be quiet, but that doesn't mean
37478 the snakes have gone away.
37481 "There may be no excuse for laziness, but I'm sure looking."
37484 "This is a one line proof... if we start sufficiently far to the
37488 "To hell with patience, I'm gonna kill me something!"
37491 "Unlucky? If I bought a pumpkin farm, they'd cancel Halloween."
37494 "What do you mean, you had the dog fixed? Just what made you
37495 think he was broken!"
37498 "What I like most about myself is that I'm so understanding
37499 when I mess things up."
37502 "What women and psychologists call `dropping your armor', we call
37503 "baring your neck."
37506 "Who? Me? No, no, NO!! But I do sell rugs."
37509 "Wouldn't it be wonderful if real life supported control-Z?"
37512 Y'know how s'm people treat th'r body like a TEMPLE?
37513 Well, I treat mine like 'n AMUSEMENT PARK... S'great...
37516 "You want me to put *holes* in my ears and hang things from them?
37520 "You're so dumb you don't even have wisdom teeth."
37523 Everything I am today I owe to people, whom it is now
37527 I haven't come far enough and don't call me baby.
37530 I looked out my window, and saw Kyle Pettys' car upside down,
37531 then I thought 'One of us is in real trouble'.
37532 -- Davey Allison, on a 150 m.p.h. crash
37535 "I want a home, a family, an occasional spanking ..."
37539 "It wouldn't have been anything, even if it were gonna be a thing."
37542 Lack of planning on your part doesn't consitute an emergency
37546 On a scale of 1 to 10 I'd say... oh, somewhere in there.
37549 Sacred cows make great hamburgers.
37552 The only easy way to tell a hamster from a gerbil is that the
37553 gerbil has more dark meat.
37559 Assuring that the quality of a product does not get out of hand
37560 and add to the cost of its manufacture or design.
37563 The process of testing one out of every 1,000 units coming off a
37564 production line to make sure that at least one out of 100 works.
37566 Quantity is no substitute for quality,
37567 but its the only one we've got.
37569 Quantum Mechanics is a lovely introduction to Hilbert Spaces!
37570 -- Overheard at last year's Archimedeans' Garden Party
37572 Quantum Mechanics is God's version of "Trust me."
37575 The sound made by a well bred duck.
37577 Quark! Quark! Beware the quantum duck!
37579 Queensboro president Donald Mannis, charged with receiving bribes in
37580 exchange for city contracts, resigned on Tuesday. Mannis feels he must
37581 devote more time to impending litigation, some of which might eminate
37582 from a recent statement he made comparing New York Mayor Ed Koch to
37583 Nazi Martin Bormann. A spokesman from the Bormann estate said they are
37584 weighing the odds of a slander suit. Mayor Koch could naturally be
37585 reached for comment, but we chose not to listen.
37589 Man Invented Alcohol,
37590 God Invented Grass.
37593 question = ( to ) ? be : ! be;
37596 QUESTION AUTHORITY.
37600 Question: Is it better to abide by the rules until
37601 they're changed or help speed the change by breaking them?
37604 Ask somebody something.
37606 Questions are never indiscreet, answers sometimes are.
37609 Quick!! Act as if nothing has happened!
37611 Quidquid latine dictum sit, altum viditur.
37613 (Whatever is said in Latin sounds profound.)
37616 Whoever has any authority over you,
37617 no matter how small, will attempt to use it.
37619 Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away.
37622 Quite frankly, I don't like you humans.
37623 After what you all have done, I find being "inhuman" a compliment.
37625 Qvid me anxivs svm?
37628 The conservatism of tomorrow injected into the affairs of today.
37631 RADIO SHACK LEVEL II BASIC
37635 Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.
37637 Raffiniert ist der Herrgott aber boshaft ist er nicht.
37640 rain falls where clouds come
37641 sun shines where clouds go
37642 clouds just come and go
37643 -- Florian Gutzwiller
37645 Rainy days and automatic weapons always get me down.
37647 Rainy days and Mondays always get me down.
37649 Raising pet electric eels is gaining a lot of current popularity.
37651 Ralph's Observation:
37652 It is a mistake to let any mechanical object
37653 realise that you are in a hurry.
37655 RAM wasn't built in a day.
37658 as in number, predictable.
37659 as in memory access, unpredictable.
37661 Rarely do people communicate; they just take turns talking.
37663 Rascal, am I? Take THAT!
37666 Rattling around the back of my head is a disturbing image of something I
37667 saw at the airport... Now I'm remembering, those giant piles of computer
37668 magazines right next to "People" and "Time" in the airport store. Does it
37669 bother anyone else that half the world is being told all of our hard-won
37670 secrets of computer technology? Remember how all the lawyers cried foul
37671 when "How to Avoid Probate" was published? Are they taking no-fault
37672 insurance lying down? No way! But at the current rate it won't be long
37673 before there are stacks of the "Transactions on Information Theory" at the
37674 A&P checkout counters. Who's going to be impressed with us electrical
37675 engineers then? Are we, as the saying goes, giving away the store?
37676 -- Robert W. Lucky, IEEE president
37681 And drugs cause cramp.
37682 Guns aren't lawful;
37685 You might as well live.
37686 -- Dorothy Parker, "Resume", 1926
37689 A picture is worth 10K words -- but only those to describe
37690 the picture. Hardly any sets of 10K words can be adequately
37691 described with pictures.
37693 Reach into the thoughts of friends,
37694 And find they do not know your name.
37695 Squeeze the teddy bear too tight,
37696 And watch the feathers burst the seams.
37697 Touch the stained glass with your cheek,
37698 And feel its chill upon your blood.
37699 Hold a candle to the night,
37700 And see the darkness bend the flame.
37701 Tear the mask of peace from God,
37702 And hear the roar of souls in hell.
37703 Pluck a rose in name of love,
37704 And watch the petals curl and wilt.
37705 Lean upon the western wind,
37706 And know you are alone.
37709 Reactor error - core dumped!
37711 Reading is thinking with someone else's head instead of one's own.
37713 Reading is to the mind what exercise is to the body.
37715 Reagan can't act either.
37717 Real computer scientists despise the idea of actual hardware. Hardware has
37718 limitations, software doesn't. It's a real shame that Turing machines are
37721 Real computer scientists don't write code. They occasionally tinker with
37722 `programming systems', but those are so high level that they hardly count
37723 (and rarely count accurately; precision is for applications).
37725 Real computer scientists like having a computer on their desk, else how
37726 could they read their mail?
37728 Real computer scientists only write specs for languages that might run on
37729 future hardware. Nobody trusts them to write specs for anything homo sapiens
37730 will ever be able to fit on a single planet.
37732 Real programmers admire ADA for its overwhelming aesthetic value but they
37733 find it difficult to actually program in it, as it is much too large to
37734 implement. Most computer scientists don't notice this because they are
37735 still arguing over what else to add to ADA.
37737 Real programmers don't document; if it was
37738 hard to write, it should be hard to understand.
37740 Real programmers don't draw flowcharts. Flowcharts are, after all, the
37741 illiterate's form of documentation. Cavemen drew flowcharts; look how much
37744 Real Programmers don't eat quiche. They eat Twinkies and Szechwan food.
37746 Real Programmers don't play tennis, or any other sport that requires
37747 you to change clothes. Mountain climbing is OK, and real programmers
37748 wear their climbing boots to work in case a mountain should suddenly
37749 spring up in the middle of the machine room.
37751 Real Programmers don't write in FORTRAN.
37752 FORTRAN is for pipe stress freaks and crystallography weenies.
37754 Real Programmers don't write in PL/I. PL/I is for
37755 programmers who can't decide whether to write in COBOL or FORTRAN.
37757 Real Programmers think better when playing Adventure or Rogue.
37759 Real programs don't eat cache.
37761 Real Programs don't use shared text. Otherwise, how can they
37762 use functions for scratch space after they are finished calling them?
37764 Real wealth can only increase.
37765 -- R. Buckminster Fuller
37767 Real World, The n.:
37768 1. In programming, those institutions at which programming may be
37769 used in the same sentence as FORTRAN, COBOL, RPG, IBM, etc. 2. To
37770 programmers, the location of non-programmers and activities not related to
37771 programming. 3. A universe in which the standard dress is shirt and tie
37772 and in which a person's working hours are defined as 9 to 5. 4. The location
37773 of the status quo. 5. Anywhere outside a university. "Poor fellow, he's
37774 left MIT and gone into T.R.W." Used pejoratively by those not in residence
37775 there. In conversation, talking of someone who has entered the real world
37776 is not unlike talking about a deceased person.
37778 Reality -- what a concept!
37781 Reality always seems harsher in the early morning.
37783 Reality does not exist - yet.
37785 Reality is an obstacle to hallucination.
37787 Reality is for people who can't deal with drugs.
37790 Reality is just a crutch for people who can't handle science fiction.
37792 Reality is nothing but a collective hunch.
37795 Reality must take precedence over public relations, for Mother Nature
37799 Really?? What a coincidence, I'm shallow too!!
37802 An abrupt change of mind after being found out.
37804 Rebellion lay in his way, and he found it.
37805 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV"
37807 Receiving a million dollars tax free will make you feel better than being
37808 flat broke and having a stomach ache.
37811 Recent investments will yield a slight profit.
37813 Recent research has tended to show that the Abominable No-Man
37814 is being replaced by the Prohibitive Procrastinator.
37817 Recently deceased blues guitarist Stevie Ray Vaughan "comes to" after
37818 his death. He sees Jimi Hendrix sitting next to him, tuning his guitar.
37819 "Holy cow," he thinks to himself, "this guy is my idol." Over at the
37820 microphone, about to sing, are Jim Morrison and Janis Joplin, and the
37821 bassist is the late Barry Oakley of the Allman Brothers. So Stevie
37822 Ray's thinking, "Oh, wow! I've died and gone to rock and roll heaven."
37823 Just then, Karen Carpenter walks in, sits down at the drums, and says:
37824 "'Close to You'. Hit it, boys!"
37825 -- Told by Penn Jillette, of magic/comedy duo Penn and Teller
37828 The purgatory where office visitors are condemned to spend
37829 innumerable hours reading dog-eared back issues of trade
37830 magazines like Modern Plastics, Chain Saw Age, and Chicken World,
37831 while the receptionist blithely reads her own trade magazine --
37834 Recession is when your neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you
37835 lose your job. These economic downturns are very difficult to predict,
37836 but sophisticated econometric modeling houses like Data Resources and
37837 Chase Econometrics have successfully predicted 14 of the last 3 recessions.
37839 Recipe for a Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster:
37840 (1) Take the juice from one bottle of Ol' Janx Spirit
37841 (2) Pour into it one measure of water from the seas of
37842 Santraginus V (Oh, those Santraginean fish!)
37843 (3) Allow 3 cubes of Arcturan Mega-gin to melt into the
37844 mixture (properly iced or the benzine is lost.)
37845 (4) Allow four liters of Fallian marsh gas to bubble through it.
37846 (5) Over the back of a silver spoon, float a measure of
37847 Qualactin Hypermint extract.
37848 (6) Drop in the tooth of an Algolian Suntiger. Watch it dissolve.
37849 (7) Sprinkle Zamphuor.
37851 (9) Drink... but... very carefully...
37853 Recipe for a Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster:
37854 (1) Take the juice from one bottle of Ol' Janx Spirit
37855 (2) Pour into it one measure of water from the seas of
37856 Santraginus V (Oh, those Santraginean fish!)
37857 (3) Allow 3 cubes of Arcturan Mega-gin to melt into the
37858 mixture (properly iced or the benzine is lost.)
37859 (4) Allow four liters of Fallian marsh gas to bubble through it.
37860 (5) Over the back of a silver spoon, float a measure of
37861 Qualactin Hypermint extract.
37862 (6) Drop in the tooth of an Algolian Suntiger. Watch it dissolve.
37863 (7) Sprinkle Zamphuor.
37865 (9) Drink... but... very carefully...
37867 Reclaimer, spare that tree!
37868 Take not a single bit!
37869 It used to point to me,
37870 Now I'm protecting it.
37871 It was the reader's CONS
37872 That made it, paired by dot;
37873 Now, GC, for the nonce,
37874 Thou shalt reclaim it not.
37876 Recursion is the root of computation
37877 since it trades description for time.
37879 Recursion: n. See Recursion.
37880 -- Random Shack Data Processing Dictionary
37882 Regardless of whether a mission expands or contracts,
37883 administrative overhead continues to grow at a steady rate.
37887 Regression analysis:
37888 Mathematical techniques for trying to understand why things are
37892 A body on vacation tends to remain on vacation unless acted upon by
37895 Reinhart was never his mother's favorite -- and he was an only child.
37898 Reisner's Rule of Conceptual Inertia:
37899 If you think big enough, you'll never have to do it.
37901 Relations are simply a tedious pack of people, who haven't the remotest
37902 knowledge of how to live, nor the smallest instinct about when to die.
37903 -- Oscar Wilde, "The Importance of Being Earnest"
37905 ...relaxed in the manner of a man who
37906 has no need to put up a front of any kind.
37907 -- John Ball, "Mark One: the Dummy"
37909 Reliable source, n:
37910 The guy you just met.
37912 Religion has done love a great service by making it a sin.
37915 Religion is a crutch, but that's okay... humanity is a cripple.
37917 Religion is what keeps the poor from murdering the rich.
37920 Religions revolve madly around sexual questions.
37922 Rembrandt is not to be compared in the painting of character with our
37923 extraordinarily gifted English artist, Mr. Rippingille.
37924 -- John Hunt, British editor, scholar and art critic
37925 Cerf/Navasky, "The Experts Speak"
37927 Remember -- only 10% of anything can be in the top 10%.
37929 Remember Darwin; building a better
37930 mousetrap merely results in smarter mice.
37932 Remember, DESSERT is spelled with two `s's while DESERT is spelled
37933 with one, because EVERYONE wants two desserts, but NO ONE wants two
37935 -- Miss Oglethorp, Gr. 5, PS. 59
37937 Remember folks. Street lights timed for 35 mph are also timed for 70 mph.
37940 Remember, God could only create the world in 6 days because he didn't
37941 have an established user base.
37943 Remember, Grasshopper, falling down 1000 stairs begins by tripping over
37947 "Remember, if it's being done correctly, here or abroad, it's
37948 *not* the U.S. Army doing it!"
37949 -- Good Morning VietNam
37951 Remember kids, if there's a loaded gun in the room, be sure
37952 that you're the one holding it.
37953 -- Mr. Greenfatigues
37955 Remember: Silly is a state of Mind, Stupid is a way of Life.
37958 Remember that as a teenager you are in the last stage of your life when
37959 you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you.
37960 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"
37962 Remember that there is an outside world to see and enjoy.
37965 Remember that whatever misfortune may be your lot,
37966 it could only be worse in Cleveland.
37968 Remember the good old days, when CPU was singular?
37970 Remember the... the... uhh.....
37973 Ay, thou poor ghost while memory holds a seat
37974 In this distracted globe. Remember thee!
37975 Yea, from the table of my memory
37976 I'll wipe away all trivial fond records,
37977 All saws of books, all forms, all pressures past,
37978 That youth and observation copied there.
37979 -- William Shakespear, "Hamlet"
37981 Remember to say hello to your bank teller.
37983 Remember, UNIX spelled backwards is XINU.
37986 Remember: use logout to logout.
37988 Remembering is for those who have forgotten.
37991 Remove me from this land of slaves,
37992 Where all are fools, and all are knaves,
37993 Where every knave and fool is bought,
37994 Yet kindly sells himself for nought;
37997 Removing the straw that broke the camel's back
37998 does not necessarily allow the camel to walk again.
38001 Man is the highest animal. Man does the classifying.
38003 Repartee is something we think of twenty-four hours too late.
38006 Repel them. Repel them. Induce them to relinquish the spheroid.
38007 -- Indiana University footbal cheer
38009 Reply hazy, ask again later.
38012 A writer who guesses his way to the truth
38013 and dispels it with a tempest of words.
38016 Reporter: "How did you like school when you were growing up, Yogi?"
38017 Yogi Berra: "Closed."
38019 Reporter: "What would you do if you found a million dollars?"
38020 Yogi Berra: "If the guy was poor, I would give it back."
38022 Reporter (to Mahatma Gandhi):
38023 Mr. Gandhi, what do you think of Western Civilization?
38024 Gandhi: I think it would be a good idea.
38026 Republicans raise dahlias, Dalmatians and eyebrows.
38027 Democrats raise Airedales, kids and taxes.
38029 Democrats eat the fish they catch.
38030 Republicans hang them on the wall.
38032 Republican boys date Democratic girls. They plan to marry
38033 Republican girls, but feel they're entitled to a little fun first.
38035 Democrats make up plans and then do something else.
38036 Republicans follow the plans their grandfathers made.
38038 Republicans sleep in twin beds -- some even in separate rooms.
38039 That is why there are more Democrats.
38040 -- Paul Dickson, "The Official Rules"
38043 What others are not thinking about you.
38045 Research is the best place to be: you work your buns off, and if it works
38046 you're a hero; if it doesn't, well -- nobody else has done it yet either,
38047 so you're still a valiant nerd.
38049 Research is to see what everybody else has seen,
38050 and think what nobody else has thought.
38052 Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.
38053 -- Wernher von Braun
38057 He didn't know where he was going.
38058 When he got there he didn't know where he was.
38059 When he got back he didn't know where he had been.
38060 And he did it all on someone else's money.
38062 Resisting temptation is easier when you
38063 think you'll probably get another chance later on.
38066 Everyone says that having power is a great responsibility. This is
38067 a lot of bunk. Responsibility is when someone can blame you if something
38068 goes wrong. When you have power you are surrounded by people whose job it
38069 is to take the blame for your mistakes. If they're smart, that is.
38070 -- Cerebus, "On Governing"
38072 Retirement means that when someone says "Have a nice day", you
38073 actually have a shot at it.
38075 Reunite Gondwondaland!
38077 Rev. Jim: What does an amber light mean?
38079 Rev. Jim: What... does... an... amber... light... mean?
38081 Rev. Jim: What.... does.... an.... amber.... light....
38083 Revenge is a form of nostalgia.
38085 Revenge is a meal best served cold.
38089 1: If Nerd on the planet Nutley starts out in his spaceship at 20 KPH,
38090 and his speed doubles every 3.2 seconds, how long will it be before
38091 he exceeds the speed of light? How long will it be before the
38092 Galactic Patrol picks up the pieces of his spaceship?
38094 2: If Roger Rowdy wrecks his car every week, and each week he breaks
38095 twice as many bones as before, how long will it be before he breaks
38096 every bone in his body? How long will it be before they cut off
38097 his insurance? Where does he get a new car every week?
38099 3: If Johnson drinks one beer the first hour (slow start), four beers
38100 the next hour, nine beers the next, etc., and stacks the cans in
38101 a pyramid, how soon will Johnson's pyramid be larger than King
38102 Tut's? When will it fall on him? Will he notice?
38105 A form of government abroad.
38108 In politics, an abrupt change in the form of misgovernment.
38111 revolutionary, adj:
38115 When any principle, law, tenet, probability, happening, circumstance,
38116 or result can in no way be directly, indirectly, empirically, or
38117 circuitously proven, derived, implied, inferred, induced, deducted,
38118 estimated, or scientifically guessed, it will always for the purpose
38119 of convenience, expediency, political advantage, material gain, or
38120 personal comfort, or any combination of the above, or none of the
38121 above, be unilaterally and unequivocally assumed, proclaimed, and
38122 adhered to as absolute truth to be undeniably, universally, immutably,
38123 and infinitely so, until such time as it becomes advantageous to
38124 assume otherwise, maybe.
38127 When any principle, law, tenet, probability, happening, circumstance,
38128 or result can in no way be directly, indirectly, empirically, or circuitously
38129 proven, derived, implied, inferred, induced, deducted, estimated, or
38130 scientifically guessed, it will always for the purpose of convenience,
38131 expediency, political advantage, material gain, or personal comfort, or any
38132 combination of the above, or none of the above, be unilaterally and
38133 unequivocally assumed, proclaimed, and adhered to as absolute truth to be
38134 undeniably, universally, immutably, and infinitely so, until such time as
38135 it becomes advantageous to assume otherwise, maybe.
38137 Rich bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some men
38138 should be happier than others.
38141 Richard Nixon was the most dishonest individual I have ever met in my life.
38142 He lied to his wife, his family, his friends, his colleagues in the Congress,
38143 lifetime members of his own political party, the American people, and the
38145 -- Senator Barry Goldwater
38147 Riches cover a multitude of woes.
38150 Rick: "How can you close me up? On what grounds?"
38151 Renault: "I'm shocked! Shocked! To find that gambling is
38153 Croupier (handing money to Renault):
38154 "Your winnings, sir."
38155 Renault: "Oh. Thank you very much."
38158 Riffle West Virginia is so small that the
38159 Boy Scout had to double as the town drunk.
38161 "Rights" is a fictional abstraction. No one has "Rights", neither
38162 machines nor flesh-and-blood. Persons... have opportunities, not
38163 rights, which they use or do not use.
38166 Ring around the collar.
38169 (1) Everything has some value -- if you use the right currency.
38170 (2) Paint splashes last longer than the paint job.
38171 (3) Search and ye shall find -- but make sure it was lost.
38174 Someone who's been made by a scientist.
38177 University administrator.
38180 Never having to say you're sorry.
38182 Rocky's Lemma of Innovation Prevention
38183 Unless the results are known in advance,
38184 funding agencies will reject the proposal.
38186 Romance, like alcohol, should be enjoyed, but should not be allowed to
38188 -- Edgar Friedenberg
38190 Rome was not built in one day.
38193 Rome wasn't burnt in a day.
38195 Romeo was restless, he was ready to kill,
38196 He jumped out the window 'cause he couldn't sit still,
38197 Juliet was waiting with a safety net,
38198 Said "don't bury me 'cause I ain't dead yet".
38206 Rotten wood cannot be carved.
38207 -- Confucius, "Analects", Book 5, Ch. 9
38209 Roumanian-Yiddish cooking has killed more Jews than Hitler.
38212 Round Numbers are always false.
38215 Row, row, row your bits, gently down the stream...
38217 Rubber bands have snappy endings!
38219 Rube Walker: "Hey, Yogi, what time is it?"
38220 Yogi Berra: "You mean now?"
38223 You know that any senator or congressman could go home and make
38224 $300,000 to $400,000, but they don't. Why? Because they can
38225 stay in Washington and make it there.
38227 Rudeness is a weak man's imitation of strength.
38230 If there is a wrong way to do something, most people will
38233 Rudin's Second Law:
38234 In a crisis that forces a choice to be made among alternative
38235 courses of action, people tend to choose the worst possible
38241 (Rugby players eat their dead.)
38242 (Blood makes the grass grow!)
38243 (Support your local hooker! Play rugby!)
38245 [A "hooker" is part of the scrum. Thought you'd want to know. Ed.]
38251 The Boss is always right.
38254 If the Boss is wrong, see Rule #1.
38256 Rule #7: Silence is not acquiescence.
38257 Contrary to what you may have heard, silence of those present is
38258 not necessarily consent, even the reluctant variety. They simply may
38259 sit in stunned silence and figure ways of sabotaging the plan after they
38260 regain their composure.
38262 Rule of Creative Research:
38263 1) Never draw what you can copy.
38264 2) Never copy what you can trace.
38265 3) Never trace what you can cut out and paste down.
38267 Rule of Defactualization:
38268 Information deteriorates upward through bureaucracies.
38270 Rule of Feline Frustration:
38271 When your cat has fallen asleep on your lap and looks utterly
38272 content and adorable, you will suddenly have to go to the
38275 Rule of Life #1 -- Never get separated from your luggage.
38278 When people you greatly admire appear to be thinking deep
38279 thoughts, they probably are thinking about lunch.
38281 Rule the Empire through force.
38284 Rules for driving in New York:
38285 1) Anything done while honking your horn is legal.
38286 2) You may park anywhere if you turn your four-way flashers on.
38287 3) A red light means the next six cars may go through the
38290 Rules for Good Grammar #4.
38291 1: Don't use no double negatives.
38292 2: Make each pronoun agree with their antecedents.
38293 3: Join clauses good, like a conjunction should.
38294 4: About them sentence fragments.
38295 5: When dangling, watch your participles.
38296 6: Verbs has got to agree with their subjects.
38297 7: Just between you and i, case is important.
38298 8: Don't write run-on sentences when they are hard to read.
38299 9: Don't use commas, which aren't necessary.
38300 10: Try to not ever split infinitives.
38301 11: It is important to use your apostrophe's correctly.
38302 12: Proofread your writing to see if you any words out.
38303 13: Correct speling is essential.
38304 14: A preposition is something you never end a sentence with.
38305 15: While a transcendant vocabulary is laudable, one must be eternally
38306 careful so that the calculated objective of communication does not
38307 become ensconsed in obscurity. In other words, eschew obfuscation.
38310 Avoid run-on sentences they are hard to read. Don't use no double
38311 negatives. Use the semicolon properly, always use it where it is appropriate;
38312 and never where it isn't. Reserve the apostrophe for it's proper use and
38313 omit it when its not needed. No sentence fragments. Avoid commas, that are
38314 unnecessary. Eschew dialect, irregardless. And don't start a sentence with
38315 a conjunction. Hyphenate between sy-llables and avoid un-necessary hyphens.
38316 Write all adverbial forms correct. Don't use contractions in formal writing.
38317 Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided. It is incumbent on
38318 us to avoid archaisms. Steer clear of incorrect forms of verbs that have
38319 snuck in the language. Never, ever use repetitive redundancies. If I've
38320 told you once, I've told you a thousand times, resist hyperbole. Also,
38321 avoid awkward or affected alliteration. Don't string too many prepositional
38322 phrases together unless you are walking through the valley of the shadow of
38323 death. "Avoid overuse of 'quotation "marks."'"
38325 RULES OF EATING -- THE BRONX DIETER'S CREED
38326 1. Never eat on an empty stomach.
38327 2. Never leave the table hungry.
38328 3. When traveling, never leave a country hungry.
38329 4. Enjoy your food.
38330 5. Enjoy your companion's food.
38331 6. Really taste your food. It may take several portions to
38332 accomplish this, especially if subtly seasoned.
38333 7. Really feel your food. Texture is important. Compare, for
38334 example, the texture of a turnip to that of a brownie.
38335 Which feels better against your cheeks?
38336 8. Never eat between snacks, unless it's a meal.
38337 9. Don't feel you must finish everything on your plate. You can
38338 always eat it later.
38339 10. Avoid any wine with a childproof cap.
38340 11. Avoid blue food.
38341 -- The Bronx Diet, "Richard Smith"
38343 Ruling a big country is like cooking a small fish.
38347 If you don't care where you are, you ain't lost.
38349 Russia has abolished God, but so far God has been more tolerant.
38350 -- John Cameron Swayze
38352 Ruth made a great mistake when he gave up pitching. Working once a week,
38353 he might have lasted a long time and become a great star.
38354 -- Tris Speaker, commenting on Babe Ruth's plan to change
38355 from being a pitcher to an outfielder.
38356 Cerf/Navasky, "The Experts Speak"
38359 Make three correct guesses consecutively
38360 and you will establish yourself as an expert.
38362 Sacher's Observation:
38363 Some people grow with responsibility -- others merely swell.
38365 Sacred cows make great hamburgers.
38368 A sadist refusing to whip a masochist.
38370 sadoequinecrophilia, n:
38371 Beating a dead horse.
38375 Safety Tips for the Post-Nuclear Existence
38376 Tip #1: How to tell when you are dead.
38378 1. Little things start bothering you: little things like worms,
38380 2. Something is missing in your personal relationships.
38381 3. Your dog becomes overly affectionate.
38382 4. You have a hard time getting a waiter.
38383 5. Exotic birds flock around you.
38384 6. People ignore you at parties.
38385 7. You have a hard time getting up in the morning.
38386 8. You no longer get off on cocaine.
38388 SAGDEEV CALLED ON THE U.S. TO MAKE A RECIPROCAL GESTURE:
38390 In a recent speech in London, the irrepressible former head of the
38391 Soviet Space Research Institute noted that the Soviet Government has offered
38392 to convert its gigantic Krasnoyarsk radar in Siberia into an international
38393 space research facility in response to U.S. complaints that the radar would
38394 violate the ABM treaty. Sagdeev suggested that the U.S. reciprocate by
38395 turning the unfinished U.S. embassy in Moscow into a nuclear crisis reduction
38396 center. The communication system, he pointed out, is already in place.
38398 SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22 - Dec 21)
38399 You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless
38400 tendency to rely on luck since you lack talent. The majority of
38401 Sagitarians are drunks or dope fiends or both. People laugh at
38404 SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 to Dec. 21)
38405 Move slowly today, be deliberate. Indications are for bleeding
38406 ulcers. Drink milk. Try not to be your usual offensive and
38407 obnoxious self. Call your mother.
38409 SAGITTARIUS (Nov.22 - Dec.21)
38410 Your efforts to help a little old lady cross a street will
38411 backfire when you learn that she was waiting for a bus. Subdue
38412 impulse you have to push her out into traffic.
38414 Said the attractive, cigar-smoking housewife to her girl-friend: "I
38415 got started one night when George came home and found one burning in
38418 Sailing is fun, but scrubbing the decks is aardvark.
38419 -- Heard on Noahs' ark
38421 Sailors in ships, sail on!
38422 Even while we died, others rode out the storm.
38424 Saints should always be judged guilty until they are proved innocent.
38425 -- George Orwell, "Reflections on Gandhi"
38427 Saliva causes cancer, but only if swallowed
38428 in small amounts over a long period of time.
38431 Sally: C'mon, Ted, all I'm asking you to do is share your feelings
38433 Ted: ALL? Do you realize what you're asking? Men aren't trained
38434 to share. We're trained to protect ourselves by not
38435 letting anyone too close. Good grief, if I go around
38436 sharing everything with you, you could hang me out to dry.
38437 Sally: It's called "trust," Ted.
38438 Ted: "Sharing"? "Trust"? You're really asking me to sail into
38439 uncharted waters here.
38442 Sam: What do you know there, Norm?
38443 Norm: How to sit. How to drink. Want to quiz me?
38444 -- Cheers, Loverboyd
38446 Sam: Hey, how's life treating you there, Norm?
38447 Norm: Beats me. ... Then it kicks me and leaves me for dead.
38448 -- Cheers, Loverboyd
38450 Woody: How would a beer feel, Mr. Peterson?
38451 Norm: Pretty nervous if I was in the room.
38452 -- Cheers, Loverboyd
38454 Sam: What's the good word, Norm?
38455 Norm: Plop, plop, fizz, fizz.
38456 Sam: Oh no, not the Hungry Heifer...
38457 Norm: Yeah, yeah, yeah...
38458 Sam: One heartburn cocktail coming up.
38459 -- Cheers, I'll Gladly Pay You Tuesday
38461 Sam: Whaddya say, Norm?
38462 Norm: Well, I never met a beer I didn't drink. And down it goes.
38463 -- Cheers, Love Thy Neighbor
38465 Woody: What's your pleasure, Mr. Peterson?
38466 Norm: Boxer shorts and loose shoes. But I'll settle for a beer.
38467 -- Cheers, The Bar Stoolie
38469 Sam: What do you say, Norm?
38470 Norm: Any cheap, tawdry thing that'll get me a beer.
38471 -- Cheers, Birth, Death, Love and Rice
38473 Sam: What do you say to a beer, Normie?
38474 Norm: Hiya, sailor. New in town?
38475 -- Cheers, Woody Goes Belly Up
38477 Norm: [coming in from the rain] Evening, everybody.
38478 All: Norm! (Norman.)
38479 Sam: Still pouring, Norm?
38480 Norm: That's funny, I was about to ask you the same thing.
38481 -- Cheers, Diane's Nightmare
38483 Sam: What's going on, Normie?
38484 Norm: My birthday, Sammy. Give me a beer, stick a candle in
38485 it, and I'll blow out my liver.
38486 -- Cheers, Where Have All the Floorboards Gone
38488 Woody: Hey, Mr. P. How goes the search for Mr. Clavin?
38489 Norm: Not as well as the search for Mr. Donut.
38490 Found him every couple of blocks.
38491 -- Cheers, Head Over Hill
38493 Sam: What's new, Norm?
38494 Norm: Most of my wife.
38495 -- Cheers, The Spy Who Came in for a Cold One
38498 Norm: Naah, I'd probably just drink it.
38499 -- Cheers, Now Pitching, Sam Malone
38501 Coach: What's doing, Norm?
38502 Norm: Well, science is seeking a cure for thirst. I happen
38503 to be the guinea pig.
38504 -- Cheers, Let Me Count the Ways
38507 Four million people, where you can't get a
38508 good cheeseburger, no matter how hard you try.
38511 Marcel Proust editing an issue of Penthouse.
38513 San Francisco has always been my favorite booing city. I don't mean the
38514 people boo louder or longer, but there is a very special intimacy. When
38515 they boo you, you know they mean *you*. Music, that's what it is to me.
38516 One time in Kezar Stadium they gave me a standing boo.
38517 -- George Halas, professional footbal coach
38519 San Francisco isn't what it used to be, and it never was.
38522 Sanity and insanity overlap a fine grey line.
38524 Sank heaven for leetle curls.
38526 Santa Claus is watching!
38528 Santa Claus wears a red suit
38531 He has long hair and a beard
38532 Must be a pacifist.
38534 And what's in the pipe that he's smoking?
38536 Santa Claus comes in your house at night.
38537 He must be a dope fiend to get you up tight.
38539 Why do police guys beat on peace guys?
38540 -- Arlo Guthrie, "The Pause of Mr. Claus"
38543 SANTA IS BRINGING GOOD WISHES FROM ALL THE
38544 MICRO ARTISTS GANG! MAY 1988 BE A HAPPY YEAR!
38549 :.______ : .:* : . _ .: :.. . : . . : ()_ .:
38550 (( \. :./(__ :._O_)________:______,____:____/ *\_o
38551 ====(( \: (****) (***) :. ...: .. . ()_______/\\ __-'
38552 \____(( \ ()oo()_/ /.: : ..________/_____ll -/.: ..
38553 ( (( \(())))__/ . .. \\.: ..( ) ll ( l_.:
38554 ( / (( \__*__)___:___ : : )) .) /--------\ \ \
38555 ( / ((_____________) .. // . / / /..:: . )_)_\
38556 (____/_____________________\__// : /_/_/ :.. :/_/ \_\
38557 /_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/ /_/_/
38561 Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses.
38563 Satellite Safety Tip #14:
38564 If you see a bright streak in the sky coming at you, duck.
38566 Satire does not look pretty upon a tombstone.
38568 Satire is tragedy plus time.
38571 Satire is what closes in New Haven.
38573 Satire is what closes Saturday night.
38577 It works better if you plug it in.
38579 Saturday night in Toledo Ohio,
38580 Is like being nowhere at all,
38581 All through the day how the hours rush by,
38582 You sit in the park and you watch the grass die.
38583 -- John Denver, "Saturday Night in Toledo Ohio"
38585 Satyrs have more faun.
38587 Savage's Law of Expediency:
38588 You want it bad, you'll get it bad.
38590 Save a little money each month and at the end of the year you'll be
38591 surprised at how little you have.
38594 Save a tree -- kill an ISO working group today.
38597 Save energy: Drive a smaller shell.
38599 Save energy: be apathetic.
38601 Save gas, don't eat beans.
38603 Save gas, don't use the shell.
38607 Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
38609 Save yourself! Reboot in 5 seconds!
38611 Say! You've struck a heap of trouble--
38612 Bust in business, lost your wife;
38613 No one cares a cent about you,
38614 You don't care a cent for life;
38615 Hard luck has of hope bereft you,
38616 Health is failing, wish you'd die--
38617 Why, you've still the sunshine left you
38618 And the big blue sky.
38621 Say it with flowers,
38622 Or say it with mink,
38623 But whatever you do,
38624 Don't say it with ink!
38627 Say many of cameras focused t'us,
38628 Our middle-aged shots do us justice.
38629 No justice, please, curse ye!
38630 We really want mercy:
38631 You see, 'tis the justice, disgusts us.
38632 -- Thomas H. Hildebrandt
38634 Say my love is easy had,
38635 Say I'm bitten raw with pride,
38636 Say I am too often sad --
38637 Still behold me at your side.
38639 Say I'm neither brave nor young,
38640 Say I woo and coddle care,
38641 Say the devil touched my tongue,
38642 Still you have my heart to wear.
38644 But say my verses do not scan,
38645 And I get me another man!
38646 -- Dorothy Parker, "Fighting Words"
38648 Say no, then negotiate.
38651 Say something you'll be sorry for, I love receiving apologies.
38653 Say "twenty-three-skiddoo" to logout.
38655 SCCS, the source motel! Programs check in and never check out!
38659 An imagined sequence of events that provides the context in
38660 which a business decision is made. Scenarios always come in
38661 sets of three: best case, worst case, and just in case.
38663 Scenary is here, wish you were beautiful.
38666 A small boy stands agasp on the stairway overlooking the living
38667 room. A rather largish man in a big red suit with white fur and red and
38668 white belled cap hunches over the fireplace, obviously interrupted in
38669 filling stockings with packages taken from a huge bag slung over his
38670 shoulder. His eyebrows are raised, matter-of-factly, as he spies the boy
38671 intently watching him.
38674 "I'm sorry you've seen me, Billy. Now I'll have to kill you.
38676 Schapiro's Explanation:
38677 The grass is always greener on the other side --
38678 but that's because they use more manure.
38680 Schizophrenia beats being alone.
38683 The window shade that allows itself to be pulled down,
38684 hesitates for a second, then snaps up in your face.
38685 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
38687 Schmidt's Observation:
38688 All things being equal, a fat person uses more soap
38689 than a thin person.
38691 Science and religion are in full accord but
38692 science and faith are in complete discord.
38694 Science Fiction, Double Feature.
38695 Frank has built and lost his creature.
38696 Darkness has conquered Brad and Janet.
38697 The servants gone to a distant planet.
38699 At the late night, double feature, Picture show.
38700 I want to go, oh, oh, oh.
38701 To the late night, double feature, Picture show.
38702 -- Rocky Horror Picture Show
38704 Science is built up of facts, as a house is with stones. But a
38705 collection of facts is no more a science than a heap of stones
38707 -- Jules Henri Poincare
38709 Science is to computer science as hydrodynamics is to plumbing.
38711 Science is what happens when preconception meets verification.
38713 Science may someday discover what faith has always known.
38715 Science! true daughter of Old Time thou art!
38716 Who alterest all things with thy peering eyes.
38717 Why preyest thou thus upon the poet's heart,
38718 Vulture, whose wings are dull realities?
38719 How should he love thee? or how deem thee wise?
38720 Who wouldst not leave him in his wandering
38721 To seek for treasure in the jewelled skies,
38722 Albeit he soared with an undaunted wing?
38723 Hast thou not dragged Diana from her car?
38724 And driven the Hamadryad from the wood
38725 To seek a shelter in some happier star?
38726 Hast thou not torn the Naiad from her flood,
38727 The Elfin from the green grass, and from me
38728 The summer dream beneath the tamarind tree?
38729 -- Edgar Allen Poe, "Science, a Sonnet"
38731 Scientists still know less about what attracts men
38732 than they do about what attracts mosquitoes.
38733 -- Dr. Joyce Brothers,
38734 "What Every Woman Should Know About Men"
38736 Scientists were preparing an experiment to ask the ultimate question.
38737 They had worked for months gathering one each of every computer that
38738 was built. Finally the big day was at hand. All the computers were
38739 linked together. They asked the question, "Is there a God?". Lights
38740 started blinking, flashing and blinking some more. Suddenly, there
38741 was a loud crash, and a bolt of lightning came down from the sky,
38742 struck the computers, and welded all the connections permanently
38743 together. "There is now", came the reply.
38745 Scintilate, scintilate, globule vivific,
38746 Fain how I pause at your nature specific,
38747 Loftily poised in the ether capacious,
38748 Highly resembling a gem carbonaceous.
38749 Scintilate, scintilate, globule vivific,
38750 Fain how I pause at your nature specific.
38752 Scintillation is not always identification for an auric substance.
38754 SCORPIO (Oct 23 - Nov 21)
38755 You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You will achieve
38756 the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. Most
38757 Scorpio people are murdered.
38759 SCORPIO (Oct. 23 to Nov. 21)
38760 Friends abound today, seeking repayment of past loans. Smile. Check
38761 for concealed weapons. Your natural cheerfulness makes others want
38762 to throw up. Knock it off.
38764 SCORPIO (Oct.24 - Nov.21)
38765 You will receive word today that you are eligible to win a million
38766 dollars in prizes. It will be from a magazine trying to get you to
38767 subscribe, and you're just dumb enough to think you've got a chance
38768 to win. You never learn.
38771 No matter what goes wrong, it will probably look right.
38773 Scott's Second Law:
38774 When an error has been detected and corrected, it will be found
38775 to have been wrong in the first place.
38777 After the correction has been found in error, it will be
38778 impossible to fit the original quantity back into the
38781 Scotty: Captain, we din' can reference it!
38782 Kirk: Analysis, Mr. Spock?
38783 Spock: Captain, it doesn't appear in the symbol table.
38784 Kirk: Then it's of external origin?
38785 Spock: Affirmative.
38786 Kirk: Mr. Sulu, go to pass two.
38787 Sulu: Aye aye, sir, going to pass two.
38789 Scratch the disks, dump the core, Shut it down, pull the plug
38790 Roll the tapes across the floor, Give the core an extra tug
38791 And the system is going to crash. And the system is going to crash.
38792 Teletypes smashed to bits. Mem'ry cards, one and all,
38793 Give the scopes some nasty hits Toss out halfway down the hall
38794 And the system is going to crash. And the system is going to crash.
38795 And we've also found Just flip one switch
38796 When you turn the power down, And the lights will cease to twitch
38797 You turn the disk readers into trash. And the tape drives will crumble
38798 Oh, it's so much fun, in a flash.
38799 Now the CPU won't run When the CPU
38800 And the system is going to crash. Can print nothing out but "foo,"
38801 The system is going to crash.
38802 -- To The Caissons Go Rolling Along
38806 Roll the tapes across the floor!
38808 Screw up your courage! You've screwed up everything else.
38811 The blank area on the back of credit cards where one's signature goes.
38812 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
38814 'Scuse me, while I kiss the sky!
38815 -- Robert James Marshall (Jimi) Hendrix
38817 Sears has everything.
38819 Seattle is so wet that people protect their property with watch-ducks.
38821 Second Law of Business Meetings:
38822 If there are two possible ways to spell a person's name, you
38823 will pick the wrong one.
38826 If there is only one way to spell a name,
38827 you will spell it wrong, anyway.
38829 Second Law of Final Exams:
38830 In your toughest final -- for the first time all year -- the most
38831 distractingly attractive student in the class will sit next to you.
38833 Secrecy is the beginning of tyranny.
38835 Secretary's Revenge:
38836 Filing almost everything under "the".
38838 Security check:
\a\a\aINTRUDER ALERT!
38840 Sed quis custodiet ipsos Custodes?
38841 [Who guards the Guardians?]
38843 Seduced, shaggy Samson snored.
38844 She scissored short. Sorely shorn,
38845 Soon shackled slave, Samson sighed,
38847 Sightlessly seeking
38848 Some savage, spectacular suicide.
38851 See, these two penguins walked into a bar, which was really stupid, 'cause
38852 the second one should have seen it.
38854 Seeing a commotion in Harvard Square, a man strolled over and asked what
38855 was going on. One of the onlookers explained to him that there was a Mooney
38856 who had immersed himself in gasoline and was threatening to set fire to
38857 himself to demonstrate his committment to the Rev. Moon. The man gasped and
38858 asked what was being done to defuse the obviously dangerous situation.
38859 "Well", replied the onlooker, "we're taking up a collection -- so
38860 far I've got two Bics, four Zippos and eighteen books of matches."
38862 Seeing is believing.
38863 You wouldn't have seen it if you hadn't believed it.
38865 Seeing is deceiving. It's eating that's believing.
38868 Seeing that death, a necessary end,
38869 Will come when it will come.
38870 -- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar"
38872 Seek simplicity -- and distrust it.
38873 -- Alfred North Whitehead
38875 Seems a computer engineer, a systems analyst, and a programmer were
38876 driving down a mountain when the brakes gave out. They screamed down the
38877 mountain, gaining speed, but finally managed to grind to a halt, more by
38878 luck than anything else, just inches from a thousand foot drop to jagged
38879 rocks. They all got out of the car:
38880 The computer engineer said, "I think I can fix it."
38881 The systems analyst said, "No, no, I think we should take it
38882 into town and have a specialist look at it."
38883 The programmer said, "OK, but first I think we should get back
38884 in and see if it does it again."
38886 Seems like this duck waddles into a pharmacy, waddles up to the prescription
38887 counter and rings the bell. The pharmacist walks up and asks, "Can I help
38889 The duck replies, "Yes, I'd like a box of condoms, please."
38890 "Certainly", says the pharmacist, "will that be cash or would
38891 you like me to put it on your bill?"
38892 Snarls the duck, "Just what kind of duck do you think I am?"
38894 Seems like this farmer purchased an old, run-down, abandoned farm with plans
38895 to turn it into a thriving enterprise. The fields are grown over with weeds,
38896 the farmhouse is falling apart, and the fences are collapsing all around.
38897 During his first day of work, the town preacher stops by to bless the man's
38898 work, praying, "May you and God work together to make this the farm of your
38900 A few months later, the preacher stops by again to call on the farmer.
38901 Lo and behold, it's like a completely different place -- the farm house is
38902 completely rebuilt and in excellent condition, there is plenty of cattle and
38903 other livestock happily munching on feed in well-fenced pens, and the fields
38904 are filled with crops planted in neat rows. "Amazing!" the preacher says.
38905 "Look what God and you have accomplished together!"
38906 "Yes, reverend," replies the farmer, "but remember what the farm was
38907 like when God was working it alone!"
38909 Seems like this guy wanders into a rural outfitting store in Alaska,
38910 and starts talking to a rather grizzled old man sitting by the cash
38912 "Hear ya got a lotta' bears 'round here?"
38913 "Yeah, you could say that," answers the old man.
38916 "Got any bear bells?"
38918 "You know, them little dingle-bells ya put on yer backpack so
38919 bears know yer there so's they can run away ... I'll take one fer black
38920 bears, and one fer them grizzlies. Say, how do you know yer in grizzly
38922 "Look fer scatt. Grizzly scatt's different from black bear scatt."
38923 "Well now, what's IN grizzly scatt that's different?"
38926 Seems that a pollster was taking a worldwide opinion poll.
38927 Her question was, "Excuse me; what's your opinion on the meat shortage?"
38929 In Texas, the answer was "What's a shortage?"
38930 In Poland, the answer was "What's meat?"
38931 In the Soviet Union, the answer was "What's an opinion?"
38932 In New York City, the answer was "What's excuse me?"
38934 Seems this fellow was suffering from terrific headaches, and went to his
38935 doctor about it. The physician made a number of tests, and informed the man
38936 that the only thing for his headaches was castration. After a few more
38937 months, the headaches became so intense that the man agreed to the operation.
38938 Naturally enough, the ruination of his sex life depressed him tremendously,
38939 and he decided to purchase a new wardrobe to make himself feel better.
38940 He enters a men's clothing store and a salesman wanders over, looks him
38941 up and down, and says, "Well, let's start with shirts... 15 neck, 34 sleeve."
38942 The guy is amazed. "How'd you know?"
38943 "Well, I've been here nearly 30 years, and I can tell sizes within
38944 a quarter inch on every piece of clothing." The salesman's claim is borne
38945 out. Slacks, 34 waist, 32 inseam; jacket: 42 long. And so on and so forth.
38946 When the man has been completely outfitted he decides that he'd better buy
38947 some new underwear.
38948 The salesman looks at him and says, "Okay, that'll be a 34."
38949 "No, that's wrong," says the man. "I've always worn a 32." The
38950 salesman insists, pointing out his accuracy so far. The man argues, agreeing
38951 that while he's been right so far, he has always worn a 32 in shorts.
38952 Finally in exasperation, the salesman says, "Listen, I tell you,
38953 you *have* to wear a 34. Otherwise, you'll get these *awful* headaches."
38955 Seems this guy showed up at a party, and all of his friends jumped for
38956 Joy. But she sidestepped, and they missed.
38958 Seize the day, put no trust in the morrow!
38959 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
38961 Seleznick's Theory of Holistic Medicine:
38962 Ice Cream cures all ills. Temporarily.
38966 SEMPER UBI SUB UBI!!!!
38968 Send some filthy mail.
38970 Sendmail may be safely run set-user-id to root.
38971 -- Eric Allman, "Sendmail Installation Guide"
38974 The state of mind of elderly persons
38975 with whom one happens to disagree.
38977 Senor Castro has been accused of communist sympathies, but this means very
38978 little since all opponents of the regime are automatically called communists.
38979 In fact he is further to the right than General Batista.
38980 -- "Cuba's Rightist Rebel", The Economist, April 26, 1958
38982 Sentient plasmoids are a gas.
38984 Sentimentality -- that's what we call the sentiment we don't share.
38988 The process by which human knowledge is advanced.
38993 Serocki's Stricture:
38994 Marriage is always a bachelor's last option.
38996 Serving coffee on aircraft causes turbulence.
38998 Set the cart before the horse.
39001 Several years ago, an international chess tournament was being held in a
39002 swank hotel in New York. Most of the major stars of the chess world were
39003 there, and after a grueling day of chess, the players and their entourages
39004 retired to the lobby of the hotel for a little refreshment. In the lobby,
39005 some players got into a heated argument about who was the brightest, the
39006 fastest, and the best chess player in the world. The argument got quite
39007 loud, as various players claimed that honor. At that point, a security
39008 guard in the lobby turned to another guard and commented, "If there's
39009 anything I just can't stand, it's chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
39011 Sex and drugs and rock and roll,
39012 Is all my brain and body need.
39013 Sex and drugs and rock and roll,
39014 Are very good indeed.
39016 Take your silly ways,
39017 Throw them out the window,
39018 The wisdom of your ways,
39019 I've been there and I know,
39020 Lots of other ways...
39021 -- Ian Drury, "New Boots and Panties"
39023 Sex discriminates against the shy and ugly.
39025 Sex hasn't been the same since women started enjoying it.
39028 Sex is about as important as a cheese sandwich. But a cheese sandwich,
39029 if you ain't got one to put in your belly, is extremely important.
39032 Sex is an emotion in motion.
39035 "Sex is as honest a product benefit for fragrance [perfume] as taste is
39037 -- Malcolm DacDougall
39039 Sex is good, but not as good as fresh sweet corn.
39040 -- Garrison Keillor
39042 Sex is like pizza -- when it's good, it's great; and when it's bad,
39043 it's still darn tasty!
39045 Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation... The other eight are
39049 Sex is the mathematics urge sublimated.
39052 Sex: the thing that takes up the least amount of time and causes the
39053 most amount of trouble.
39056 Sex without class consciousness cannot give satisfaction, even if it is
39057 repeated until infinity.
39058 -- Aldo Brandirali (Secretary of the Italian Marxist-Leninist
39059 Party), in a manual of the party's official sex guidelines,
39062 Sex without love is an empty experience, but,
39063 as empty experiences go, it's one of the best.
39066 Sexual enlightenment is justified insofar as girls cannot learn too soon
39067 how children do not come into the world.
39070 Shah, shah! Ayatulla you so!
39072 Shall we make a new rule of life from tonight:
39073 always to try to be a little kinder than is necessary?
39076 Shame is an improper emotion invented by
39077 pietists to oppress the human race.
39078 -- Robert Preston, Toddy, "Victor/Victoria"
39080 Shannon's Observation
39081 Nothing is so frustrating as a bad situation
39082 that is beginning to improve.
39085 To give in, endure humiliation.
39087 She always believed in the old adage -- leave them while you're looking
39089 -- Anita Loos, "Gentlemen Prefer Blondes"
39091 She applies her lipstick in spite of its contents: "greasy rouge,
39092 containing crushed and dried insect corpses for coloring, beeswax
39093 for stiffness, and olive oil to help it flow - the latter having
39094 the unfortunate tendency to go rancid several hours after use.
39096 In 1924 the New York Board of Health considered banning lipstick,
39097 not because it was hazardous to the wearers but because of "the
39098 worry that it might poison the men who kissed the women who wore it."
39099 -- David Bodanis, "The Secret House"
39101 She asked me, "What's your sign?"
39102 I blinked and answered "Neon,"
39103 I thought I'd blow her mind...
39105 She been married so many times
39106 she got rice marks all over her face.
39109 She blinded me with science!
39111 She can kill all your files;
39112 She can freeze with a frown.
39113 And a wave of her hand brings the whole system down.
39114 And she works on her code until ten after three.
39115 She lives like a bat but she's always a hacker to me.
39116 -- Apologies to Billy Joel
39118 She cried, and the judge wiped her tears with my checkbook.
39121 She has an alarm clock and a phone that don't ring - they applaud.
39123 She is descended from a long line that her mother listened to.
39126 She just came in, pounced around this thing with me for a few
39127 years, enjoyed herself, gave it a sort of beautiful quality and
39128 left. Excited a few men in the meantime.
39129 -- Patrick Macnee, reminiscing on Diana Rigg's
39130 involvement in "The Avengers".
39132 She missed an invaluable opportunity to give him
39133 a look that you could have poured on a waffle.
39135 She often gave herself very good advice
39136 (though she very seldom followed it).
39139 She ran the gamut of emotions from 'A' to 'B'.
39140 -- Dorothy Parker, on a Kate Hepburn performance
39142 She say, Miss Colie, You better hush. God might hear you.
39143 Let 'im hear me, I say. If he ever listened to poor colored
39144 women the world would be a different place, I can tell you.
39145 -- Alice Walker, "The Color Purple"
39147 She sells cshs by the cshore.
39149 She stood on the tracks
39151 Leading me to that third rail shock
39153 She changed her mind
39155 She gave me a night
39157 What will it take until I stop
39161 There's nothing else I can do
39162 'Cause I'm doing it all for Leyna
39163 I don't want anyone new
39164 'Cause I'm living it all for Leyna
39165 There's nothing in it for you
39166 'Cause I'm giving it all to Leyna
39167 -- Billy Joel, "All for Leyna" (Glass Houses)
39169 She was bred in ol' Kentucky
39170 But she's just a crumb up here
39171 She was knock-knee'd and double-jointed
39172 With a cauliflower ear
39173 Someday we will be married
39174 And if vegetables become too dear
39175 I'll just cut me a slice of
39176 Her cauliflower ear!
39177 -- Curly Howard, "The Three Stooges"
39179 She was good at playing abstract confusion in the same way a midget is
39180 good at being short.
39181 -- Clive James, on Marilyn Monroe
39183 She was only a moonshiner's daughter, but I love her still.
39185 She was only a mortician's daughter but anyone cadaver.
39187 She won' go Warp 7, Cap'n! The batteries are dead!
39190 All trails have more uphill sections
39191 than they have downhill sections.
39193 "Shelter", what a nice name for for a place where you polish your cat.
39195 Sheriff Chameleotoptor sighed with an air of weary sadness, and then
39196 turned to Doppelgutt and said 'The Senator must really have been on a
39197 bender this time -- he left a party in Cleveland, Ohio, at 11:30 last
39198 night, and they found his car this morning in the smokestack of a British
39199 aircraft carrier in the Formosa Straits.'
39200 -- Grand Panjandrum's Special Award, 1985 Bulwer-Lytton
39201 bad fiction contest.
39203 Sherry [Thomas Sheridan] is dull, naturally dull; but it must have taken
39204 him a great deal of pains to become what we now see him. Such an excess of
39205 stupidity, sir, is not in Nature.
39208 Sherry [Thomas Sheridan] is dull, naturally dull; but it must have taken
39209 him a great deal of pains to become what we now see him. Such an excess
39210 of stupidity, sir, is not in Nature.
39213 She's learned to say things with her eyes
39214 that others waste time putting into words.
39216 She's so tough she won't take 'yes' for an answer.
39218 She's such a kinky girl,
39219 The kind you don't take home to mother.
39220 She will never let your spirits down
39221 Once you get her off the street.
39223 She's the kind of girl who climbed the ladder of success wrong by wrong.
39226 Shhh... be vewy, vewy, quiet! I'm hunting wabbits...
39229 There is no problem a good miracle can't solve.
39232 Shift to the right,
39234 BYTE, BYTE, BYTE !!!
39237 SHIFT TO THE RIGHT!
39241 Ships are safe in harbor, but they were never meant to stay there.
39243 Shirley MacLaine died today in a freak psychic collision today. Two freaks
39244 in a van [Oh no!! It's the Copyright Police!!] Her aura-charred body was
39245 laid to rest after a eulogy by Jackie Collins, fellow member of SAFE [Society
39246 of Asinine Flake Entertainers]. Excerpted from some of his more quotable
39249 "Truly a woman of the times. These times, those times..."
39250 "A Renaissance woman. Why in 1432..."
39251 "A man for all seasons. Really..."
39253 After the ceremony, Shirley thanked her mourners and explained how delightful
39254 it was to "get it together" again, presumably referring to having her now dead
39255 body join her long dead brain.
39257 Sho' they got to have it against the law. Shoot, ever'body git high,
39258 they wouldn't be nobody git up and feed the chickens. Hee-hee.
39261 Short people get rained on last.
39263 Show business is just like high school, except you get paid.
39266 Show me a good loser in professional sports and I'll show you an idiot.
39267 Show me a good sportsman and I'll show you a player I'm looking to trade.
39270 Show me a man who is a good loser and I'll
39271 show you a man who playing golf with his boss.
39273 Show respect for age. Drink good Scotch for a change.
39275 Show your affection, which will probably meet with pleasant response.
39277 Showing up is 80% of life.
39280 Si Dieu n'existait pas, il faudrait l'inventer.
39283 Si jeunesse savait, si vieillesse pouvait.
39284 [If youth but knew, if old age but could.]
39287 Sic transit gloria Monday!
39289 Sic transit gloria mundi.
39290 [So passes away the glory of this world.]
39293 Sic Transit Gloria Thursdi.
39295 Sight is a faculty; seeing is an art.
39297 Sigmund's wife wore Freudian slips.
39299 Signs of crime: screaming or cries for help.
39300 -- The Brown University Security Crime Prevention Pamphlet
39302 Silence can be the biggest lie of all. We have a responsibility to speak
39303 up; and whenever the occasion calls for it, we have a responsibility to
39307 Silence is the element in which great things fashion themselves.
39310 Silence is the only virtue you have left.
39312 sillema sillema nika su
39313 [translation: look it up...hint-fin]
39315 Silly is a state of Mind, Stupid is a way of Life.
39317 Silly Sally was baby sitting. But Silly Sally was getting bored. Thinking
39318 a walk would help, she put the baby in his carriage. Silly Sally pushed the
39319 carriage and pushed the carriage up this hill and down that one. She pushed
39320 the carriage up the highest hill in town, and ALL OF A SUDDEN! It slipped out
39321 of her hands (OH! NO!) and it was headed at high speed for the busiest
39322 intersection in town. BUT!
39324 Silly Sally just laughed and la.....ug.......h....e....d...........
39325 BECAUSE! SHE KNEW THERE WAS A STOP SIGN AT THE BOTTOM OF THE HILL!
39327 Silly Sally was playing in the garage. And she was being disobedient.
39328 She was playing with matches... AND... She burned down the garage.
39329 (OHHHHHH) Silly Sally's mother said, "Silly Sally! You have been naughty!
39330 And when your father gets home, you are going to get a good licking!" BUT!
39332 Silly Sally just laughed and la.....ug.......h....e....d...........
39333 BECAUSE! SHE KNEW HER FATHER WAS IN THE GARAGE WHEN SHE BURNED IT DOWN!
39336 If Murphy's Law can go wrong, it will.
39339 Everything put together falls apart sooner or later.
39341 Simplicity does not precede complexity, but follows it.
39343 Simulations are like miniskirts, they show a lot and hide the essentials.
39349 Sin has many tools, but a lie is the handle which fits them all.
39351 Sin lies only in hurting other people unnecessarily.
39352 All other "sins" are invented nonsense.
39353 (Hurting yourself is not sinful -- just stupid).
39356 Since a politician never believes what he says, he is surprised
39357 when others believe him.
39358 -- Charles DeGaulle
39360 Since aerosols are forbidden, the police are using roll-on Mace!
39362 Since before the Earth was formed and before the sun burned hot in space,
39363 cosmic forces of inexorable power have been working relentlessly toward
39364 this moment in space-time -- your receiving this fortune.
39366 Since everything in life is but an experience perfect in being what it is,
39367 having nothing to do with good or bad, acceptance or rejection, one may well
39368 burst out in laughter.
39371 Since I hurt my pendulum
39372 My life is all erratic.
39373 My parrot who was cordial
39374 Is now transmitting static.
39375 The carpet died, a palm collapsed,
39376 The cat keeps doing poo.
39377 The only thing that keeps me sane
39378 Is talking to my shoe.
39381 Since we cannot hope for order, let us withdraw with style from the chaos.
39384 Since we have to speak well of the dead, let's knock them while they're
39388 Sink or Swim with Teddy!
39390 Sinners can repent, but stupid is forever.
39392 Sir, it's very possible this asteroid is not stable.
39395 [Sir Stafford Cripps] has all the virtues
39396 I dislike and none of the vices I admire.
39397 -- Winston Churchill
39399 Six days after the Creation, Adam was still alone in the Garden of
39400 Eden, and getting pretty desperate. "God!" he cried, "rescue me from
39401 loneliness and despair! Send some company for Your sake!"
39403 God replied "OK, I have just the thing. Keep you warm and relaxed all
39404 the days of your life. Never complains. Looks up to you in every way.
39405 It'll cost you though".
39407 "Sounds ideal" said Adam. "The society of the beasts of the field and
39408 the birds of the air palls after a while. What's the price?"
39410 "An arm and a leg", said God.
39412 Adam thought about it for a bit and finally sighed. "So, what can I get
39415 Skill without imagination is craftsmanship and gives us many useful
39416 objects such as wickerwork picnic baskets. Imagination without skill
39417 gives us modern art.
39420 Skinner's Constant (or Flannagan's Finagling Factor):
39421 That quantity which, when multiplied by, divided by, added to,
39422 or subtracted from the answer you got, gives you the answer you
39423 should have gotten.
39425 skldfjkl
\a\a\ajklsR%^&(IXDRTYju187pkasdjbasdfbuil
39426 h;asvgy8p 23r1vyui
\a135 2
39427 kmxsij90TYDFS$$b jkzxdjkl bjnk ;j nk;<[][;-==-<<<<<';[,
39428 [hjioasdvbnuio;buip^&(FTSD$%*VYUI:buio;sdf}[asdf']
39429 sdoihjfh(_YU*G&F^*CTY98y
39432 Now look what you've gone and done! You've broken it!
39434 Slang is language that takes off its coat,
39435 spits on its hands, and goes to work.
39437 Slaves are generally expected to sing as well as to work ... I did not, when
39438 a slave, understand the deep meanings of those rude, and apparently incoherent
39439 songs. I was myself within the circle, so that I neither saw nor heard as
39440 those without might see and hear. They told a tale which was then altogether
39441 beyond my feeble comprehension: they were tones, loud, long and deep,
39442 breathing the prayer and complaint of souls boiling over with the bitterest
39443 anguish. Every tone was a testimony against slavery, and a prayer to God
39444 for deliverance from chains.
39445 -- Frederick Douglass
39447 Sleep -- the most beautiful experience in life -- except drink.
39450 Sleep is for the weak and sickly.
39452 Slick's Three Laws of the Universe:
39453 1) Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.
39454 2) A quarter-ounce of chocolate = four pounds of fat.
39455 3) There are two types of dirt: the dark kind, which is
39456 attracted to light objects, and the light kind, which is
39457 attracted to dark objects.
39460 If you do a job too well, you'll get stuck with it.
39466 The slime that accumulates on the underside of a soap bar when it
39467 sits in the dish too long.
39468 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
39470 Small change can often be found under seat cushions.
39472 Small is beautiful.
39473 -- Schumacher's Dictum
39475 Small things make base men proud.
39476 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
39478 Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my
39479 teacher was in my class for five years.
39482 Smear the road with a runner!!
39484 Smile! You're on Candid Camera.
39486 Smile, Cthulhu Loathes You.
39488 Smoking is, as far as I'm concerned, the entire point of being an adult.
39491 SMOKING IS NOW ALLOWED !!!
39492 Anyone wishing to smoke, however, must file, in triplicate, the
39493 U.S. government Environmental Impact Narrative Statement (EINS),
39494 describing in detail the type of combustion proposed, impact on
39495 the environment, and anticipated opposition. Statements must be
39496 filed 30 days in advance.
39498 Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.
39501 Smoking Prohibited. Absolutely no ifs, ands, or butts.
39503 Smuggling... It's not just a job, it's an adventure!
39504 -- paid for by your local Colombian recruiting office
39507 The peculiar habit, when searching for a snack, of constantly
39508 returning to the refrigerator in hopes that something new will
39510 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
39512 Snakes. Why did it have to be snakes?
39515 What you'd say if you had another chance.
39517 Snoopy: No problem is so big that it can't be run away from.
39519 Snow and adolescence are the only problems
39520 that disappear if you ignore them long enough.
39522 Snow Day -- stay home.
39524 Snow White has become a camera buff. She spends hours and hours
39525 shooting pictures of the seven dwarfs and their antics. Then she
39526 mails the exposed film to a cut rate photo service. It takes weeks
39527 for the developed film to arrive in the mail, but that is all right
39528 with Snow White. She clears the table, washes the dishes and sweeps
39529 the floor, all the while singing "Someday my prints will come."
39531 So... did you ever wonder, do garbagemen take showers before they
39534 So do the noble fall. For they are ever caught in a trap of their own making.
39535 A trap -- walled by duty, and locked by reality. Against the greater force
39536 they must fall -- for, against that force they fight because of duty, because
39537 of obligations. And when the noble fall, the base remain. The base -- whose
39538 only purpose is the corruption of what the noble did protect. Whose only
39539 purpose is to destroy. The noble: who, even when fallen, retain a vestige of
39540 strength. For theirs is a strength born of things other than mere force.
39541 Theirs is a strength supreme... theirs is the strength -- to restore.
39542 -- Gerry Conway, "Thor", #193
39544 So far as we are human, what we do must be either evil or good: so far
39545 as we do evil or good, we are human: and it is better, in a paradoxical
39546 way, to do evil than to do nothing: at least we exist.
39547 -- T.S. Eliot, essay on Baudelaire
39549 So from the depths of its enchantment, Terra was able to calculate a course
39550 of action. Here at last was an opportunity to consort with Dirbanu on a
39551 friendly basis -- great Durbanu which, since it had force fields which Earth
39552 could not duplicate, must of necessity have many other things Earth could
39553 use; mighty Durbanu before whom we would kneel in supplication (with purely-
39554 for-defense bombs hidden in our pockets) with lowered heads (making invisible
39555 the knife in our teeth) and ask for crumbs from their table (in order to
39556 extrapolate the location of their kitchens).
39557 -- T. Sturgeon, "The World Well Lost"
39559 So... how come the Corinthians never wrote back?
39561 So, if there's no God, who changes the water?
39562 -- New Yorker cartoon of two goldfish in a bowl
39564 So I'm ugly. So what? I never saw anyone hit with his face.
39567 So, is the glass half empty, half full, or just twice as
39568 large as it needs to be?
39570 So little time, so little to do.
39573 So live that you wouldn't be ashamed
39574 to sell the family parrot to the town gossip.
39576 So many beautiful women and so little time.
39579 So many men and so little time.
39581 So many men, so many opinions; every one his own way.
39582 -- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence)
39584 So many women, and so little time!
39586 So many women, so little nerve.
39588 So much food, and so little time!
39604 -- William Carlos Williams, "The Red Wheel Barrow"
39627 -- "To Linda", from The Poetry Of H. Ross Perot,
39628 composed for Linda Wertheimer of National Public
39629 Radio. From SPY Magazine, November 1992
39631 So she went into the garden to cut a cabbage leaf to make an apple pie; and
39632 at the same time a great she-bear, coming up the street pops its head into
39633 the shop. "What! no soap?" So he died, and she very imprudently married
39634 the barber; and there were present the Picninnies, and the Grand Panjandrum
39635 himself, with the little round button at top, and they all fell to playing
39636 the game of catch as catch can, till the gunpowder ran out at the heels of
39640 So she went into the garden to cut a cabbage leaf to make an apple pie;
39641 and at the same time a great she-bear, coming up the street pops its head
39642 into the shop. "What! no soap?" So he died, and she very imprudently
39643 married the barber; and there were present the Picninnies, and the Grand
39644 Panjandrum himself, with the little round button at top, and they all
39645 fell to playing the game of catch as catch can, till the gunpowder ran
39646 out at the heels of their boots.
39649 So so is good, very good, very excellent good:
39650 and yet it is not; it is but so so.
39651 -- William Shakespeare, "As You Like It"
39653 So... so you think you can tell
39655 Blue skies from pain? Did they get you to trade
39656 Can you tell a green field Your heroes for ghosts?
39657 From a cold steel rail? Hot ashes for trees?
39658 A smile from a veil? Hot air for a cool breeze?
39659 Do you think you can tell? Cold comfort for change?
39661 A walk on part in a war
39662 For the lead role in a cage?
39663 -- Pink Floyd, "Wish You Were Here"
39665 So the documentary-makers stick with sharks. Generally, their procedure is
39666 to scatter bleeding fish pieces around their boat, so as to infest the
39667 waters. I would estimate that the primary food source of sharks today is
39668 bleeding fish pieces scattered by people making documentaries. Once the
39669 sharks arrive, they are generally fairly listless. The general shark attitude
39670 seems to be: "Oh God, another documentary." So the divers have to somehow
39671 goad them into attacking, under the guise of Scientific Research. "We know
39672 very little about the effect of electricity on sharks," the narrator will
39673 say, in a deeply scientific voice. "That is why Todd is going to jab this
39674 Great White in the testicles with a cattle prod." The divers keep this kind
39675 of thing up until the shark finally gets irritated and snaps at them, and
39676 then they act as though this was a totally unexpected and very dangerous
39677 development, although clearly it is what they wanted all along.
39680 So this it it. We're going to die.
39682 So, what's with this guy Gideon, anyway?
39683 And why can't he ever remember his Bible?
39685 So, you better watch out!
39686 You better not cry!
39687 You better not pout!
39688 I'm telling you why,
39689 Santa Claus is coming, to town.
39691 He knows when you've been sleeping,
39692 He know when you're awake.
39693 He knows if you've been bad or good,
39694 He has ties with the CIA.
39697 "So you don't have to, Cindy, but I was wondering if you might
39698 want to go to someplace, you know, with me, sometime."
39699 "Well, I can think of a lot of worse things, David."
39701 "Why not, David, it might even be fun."
39702 -- Dating in Minnesota
39704 So you see Antonio, why worry about one little core dump, eh? In reality all
39705 core dumps happen at the same instant, so the core dump you will have tomorrow,
39706 why, it already happened. You see, its just a little universal recursive joke
39707 which threads our lives through the infinite potential of the instant. So go
39708 to sleep, Antonio, your thread could break any moment and cast you out of the
39709 safe security of the instant into the dark void of eternity, the anti-time.
39710 So go to sleep, ...
39712 So you see Antonio, why worry about one little core dump, eh? In reality
39713 all core dumps happen at the same instant, so the core dump you will have
39714 tomorrow, why, it already happened. You see, it's just a little universal
39715 recursive joke which threads our lives through the infinite potential of
39716 the instant. So go to sleep, Antonio, your thread could break any moment
39717 and cast you out of the safe security of the instant into the dark void of
39718 eternity, the anti-time. So go to sleep...
39720 So you think that money is the root of all evil.
39721 Have you ever asked what is the root of money?
39724 So you're back... about time...
39726 Soap and education are not as sudden as a
39727 massacre, but they are more deadly in the long run.
39731 You have two cows. Give one to your neighbour.
39734 Give both to the government. The government gives you milk.
39736 You sell one cow and buy a bull.
39738 You have two cows. Give milk to the government.
39739 The government sells it.
39741 The government shoots you and takes the cows.
39743 The government shoots one cow,
39744 milks the other, and pours the milk down the sink.
39746 Keep the cows. Steal another one. Shoot the government.
39748 Freeze the milk. Embalm the cows.
39750 Software production is assumed to be a line function, but it is run
39751 like a staff function."
39754 Software suppliers are trying to make their software packages more
39755 "user-friendly". ... Their best approach, so far, has been to take all
39756 the old brochures, and stamp the words, "user-friendly" on the cover.
39757 -- Bill Gates, Microsoft, Inc.
39759 Soldiers who wish to be a hero
39760 Are practically zero,
39761 But those who wish to be civilians,
39762 They run into the millions.
39764 Solipsists of the World... you are already united.
39767 Solutions are obvious if one only has the
39768 optical power to observe them over the horizon.
39771 Some books are to be tasted, others to be swallowed,
39772 and some few to be chewed and digested.
39774 [As anyone who has ever owned a puppy already knows. Ed.]
39776 Some changes are so slow, you don't notice them.
39777 Others are so fast, they don't notice you.
39779 Some circumstantial evidence is very strong,
39780 as when you find a trout in the milk.
39783 Some husbands are living proof that a woman can take a joke.
39785 Some marriages are made in heaven -- but so are thunder and lightning.
39787 Some men are alive simply because it is against the law to kill them.
39790 Some men are all right in their place -- if they only the knew the right
39794 Some men are born mediocre, some men achieve mediocrity,
39795 and some men have mediocrity thrust upon them.
39796 -- Joseph Heller, "Catch-22"
39798 Some men are discovered; others are found out.
39800 Some men are heterosexual, and some are bisexual, and some men don't think
39801 about sex at all... they become lawyers.
39804 Some men are so interested in their wives continued happiness
39805 that they hire detectives to find out the reason for it.
39807 Some men are so macho they'll get you pregnant just to kill a rabbit.
39810 Some men feel that the only thing they owe
39811 the woman who marries them is a grudge.
39814 Some men love truth so much that they seem to be in continual fear
39815 lest she should catch a cold on overexposure.
39818 Some men rob you with a six-gun -- others with a fountain pen.
39821 Some men who fear that they are playing
39822 second fiddle aren't in the band at all.
39824 Some of my readers ask me what a "Serial Port" is.
39825 The answer is: I don't know.
39826 Is it some kind of wine you have with breakfast?
39828 Some of the most interesting documents from Sweden's middle ages are the
39829 old county laws (well, we never had counties but it's the nearest equivalent
39830 I can find for "landskap"). These laws were written down sometime in the
39831 13th century, but date back even down into Viking times. The oldest one is
39832 the Vastgota law which clearly has pagan influences, thinly covered with some
39833 Christian stuff. In this law, we find a page about "lekare", which is the
39834 Old Norse word for a performing artist, actor/jester/musician etc. Here is
39835 an approximate translation, where I have written "artist" as equivalent of
39837 "If an artist is beaten, none shall pay fines for it. If an artist
39838 is wounded, one such who goes with hurdie-gurdie or travels with
39839 fiddle or drum, then the people shall take a wild heifer and bring
39840 it out on the hillside. Then they shall shave off all hair from the
39841 heifer's tail, and grease the tail. Then the artist shall be given
39842 newly greased shoes. Then he shall take hold of the heifer's tail,
39843 and a man shall strike it with a sharp whip. If he can hold her, he
39844 shall have the animal. If he cannot hold her, he shall endure what
39845 he received, shame and wounds."
39847 Some of the things that live the longest
39848 in peoples' memories never really happened.
39850 Some of them want to use you,
39851 Some of them want to be used by you,
39852 ...Everybody's looking for something.
39855 Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry.
39858 Some parts of the past must be preserved,
39859 and some of the future prevented at all costs.
39861 Some people are afraid of heights. I'm afraid of widths.
39864 Some people around here wouldn't recognize
39865 subtlety if it hit them on the head.
39867 Some people call them "cars" or "trucks"; I call them "dimensional
39868 transmogrifiers" because they change three-dimensional cats into
39869 two-dimensional ones.
39870 -- F. Frederick Skitty
39872 Some people carve careers, others chisel them.
39874 Some people cause happiness wherever
39875 they go; others, whenever they go.
39877 Some people claim that the UNIX learning curve is steep,
39878 but at least you only have to climb it once.
39880 Some people have a great ambition: to build something
39881 that will last, at least until they've finished building it.
39883 Some people have a way about them that seems to say: "If I have
39884 only one life to live, let me live it as a jerk."
39886 Some people have no respect for age unless it's bottled.
39888 Some people have parts that are so private
39889 they themselves have no knowledge of them.
39891 Some people live life in the fast lane.
39892 You're in oncoming traffic.
39894 Some people manage by the book, even though they
39895 don't know who wrote the book or even what book.
39897 Some people need a good imaginary cure
39898 for their painful imaginary ailment.
39900 Some people only open up to tell you that they're closed.
39902 Some people pray for more than they are willing to work for.
39904 Some people say a front-engine car handles best. Some people say a
39905 rear-engine car handles best. I say a rented car handles best.
39908 Some peoples mouths work faster than their brains.
39909 They say things they haven't even thought of yet.
39911 Some rise by sin and some by virtue fall.
39913 Some say the world will end in fire,
39915 From what I've tasted of desire
39916 I hold with those who favor fire.
39917 But if it had to perish twice
39918 I think I know enough of hate
39919 To say that for destruction, ice
39922 -- Robert Frost, "Fire and Ice"
39924 Some scholars are like donkeys, they merely carry a lot of books.
39927 Some things have to be believed to be seen.
39929 Somebody left the cork out of my lunch.
39932 Somebody ought to cross ball point pens with coat hangers
39933 so that the pens will multiply instead of disappear.
39935 Somebody's moggy, by the side of the road,
39936 Somebody's pussy, who forgot his highway code,
39937 Somebody's favourite feline, who ran clean out of luck,
39938 When he ran onto the road, and tried to argue with a truck.
39940 Yesterday he purred and played, in his pussy paradise,
39941 Decapitating tweety birds, and masticating mice.
39942 Now he's just six pounds of raw mince meat,
39943 That don't smell very nice --
39944 He's nobody's moggy now.
39946 Oh you who love your pussy,
39947 Be sure to keep him in.
39948 Don't let him argue with a truck, If he tries to play
39949 The truck is bound to win. On the road way
39950 And upon the busy road, I'm afraid that will be that,
39951 Don't let him play or frolic. There will be one last despairing
39952 If you do, I'm warning you, "Meow!"
39953 It could be cat-astrophic! And a sort of squelchy Splat!
39954 And your pussy will be slightly dead,
39955 He's nobody's moggy -- And very, very flat!
39956 Just red and squashed and soggy --
39957 He's nobody's moggy now.
39958 -- Eric Bogle, "Scraps of Paper"
39960 Somebody's terminal is dropping bits.
39961 I found a pile of them over in the corner.
39963 Someday somebody has got to decide whether the
39964 typewriter is the machine, or the person who operates it.
39966 Someday, Weederman, we'll look back on all this and laugh... It will
39967 probably be one of those deep, eerie ones that slowly builds to a
39968 blood-curdling maniacal scream... but still it will be a laugh.
39971 Someday we'll look back on this moment and plow into a parked car.
39974 Someday you'll get your big chance -- or have you already had it?
39976 Someday your prints will come.
39979 Somehow I reached excess without ever noticing
39980 when I was passing through satisfaction.
39981 -- Ashleigh Brilliant
39983 Somehow, the world always affects you more than you affect it.
39985 Someone did a study of the three most-often-heard phrases in New York
39986 City. One is "Hey, taxi." Two is, "What train do I take to get to
39987 Bloomingdale's?" And three is, "Don't worry. It's just a flesh wound."
39990 Someone is speaking well of you.
39992 Someone is speaking well of you.
39995 Someone is unenthusiastic about your work.
39997 Someone whom you reject today, will reject you tomorrow.
39999 Someone will try to honk your nose today.
40001 Something better...
40003 1 (obvious): Excuse me. Is that your nose or did a bus park on your face?
40004 2 (meteorological): Everybody take cover. She's going to blow.
40005 3 (fashionable): You know, you could de-emphasize your nose if you wore
40006 something larger. Like ... Wyoming.
40007 4 (personal): Well, here we are. Just the three of us.
40008 5 (punctual): Alright gentlemen. Your nose was on time but you were fifteen
40010 6 (envious): Oooo, I wish I were you. Gosh. To be able to smell your
40012 7 (naughty): Pardon me, Sir. Some of the ladies have asked if you wouldn't
40013 mind putting that thing away.
40014 8 (philosophical): You know. It's not the size of a nose that's important.
40015 It's what's in it that matters.
40016 9 (humorous): Laugh and the world laughs with you. Sneeze and its goodbye
40018 10 (commercial): Hi, I'm Earl Schibe and I can paint that nose for $39.95.
40019 11 (polite): Ah. Would you mind not bobbing your head. The orchestra keeps
40021 12 (melodic): Everybody! "He's got the whole world in his nose."
40022 -- Steve Martin, "Roxanne"
40024 Something unpleasant is coming when men are anxious to tell the truth.
40025 -- Benjamin Disraeli
40027 Something's rotten in the state of Denmark.
40030 Sometime when you least expect it, Love will tap you on the shoulder...
40031 and ask you to move out of the way because it still isn't your turn.
40034 Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.
40037 Sometimes a man who deserves to be looked down upon because he is a
40038 fool is despised only because he is a lawyer.
40041 Sometimes, at the end of the day, when I'm
40042 smiling and shaking their hands, I want to kick them.
40043 -- Richard M. Nixon
40045 Sometimes even to live is an act of courage.
40048 Sometimes I feel like I'm fading away,
40049 Looking at me, I got nothin' to say.
40050 Don't make me angry with the things games that you play,
40051 Either light up or leave me alone.
40053 Sometimes I get the feeling that I went to a party on Perry Lane in 1962, and
40054 the party spilled out of the house, and came down the street, and covered the
40058 Sometimes I live in the country,
40059 And sometimes I live in town.
40060 And sometimes I have a great notion,
40061 To jump in the river and drown.
40063 Sometimes I simply feel that the whole
40064 world is a cigarette and I'm the only ashtray.
40066 Sometimes I wonder if I'm in my right mind.
40067 Then it passes off and I'm as intelligent as ever.
40068 -- Samuel Beckett, "Endgame"
40070 Sometimes I worry about being a success in a mediocre world.
40073 Sometimes it happens. People just explode. Natural causes.
40076 Sometimes love ain't nothing but a misunderstanding between two fools.
40078 SOMETIMES THE BEAUTY OF THE WORLD is so overwhelming, I just want to throw
40079 back my head and gargle. Just gargle and gargle and I don't care who hears
40080 me because I am beautiful.
40081 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
40083 Sometimes the best medicine is to stop taking something.
40085 Sometimes the light is all shining on me,
40086 Other times I can hardly see.
40087 Lately it occurs to me
40088 What a long strange trip it's been.
40089 -- The Grateful Dead, "American Beauty"
40091 Sometimes, too long is too long.
40094 Sometimes when I get up in the morning, I feel very peculiar. I feel
40095 like I've just got to bite a cat! I feel like if I don't bite a cat
40096 before sundown, I'll go crazy! But then I just take a deep breath and
40097 forget about it. That's what is known as real maturity.
40100 Sometimes, when I think of what that girl means
40101 to me, it's all I can do to keep from telling her.
40104 Sometimes when you look into his eyes you get the feeling that someone
40108 Sometimes you get an almost irresistible urge to go on living.
40110 Somewhere, just out of sight, the unicorns are gathering.
40112 Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a
40113 woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped.
40116 Somewhere, something incredible is waiting to be known.
40119 Son, someday a man is going to walk up to you with a deck of cards on which
40120 the seal is not yet broken. And he is going to offer to bet you that he can
40121 make the Ace of Spades jump out of the deck and squirt cider in your ears.
40122 But son, do not bet this man, for you will end up with a ear full of cider.
40123 -- Sky Masterson's Father
40125 Sooner or later you must pay for your sins.
40126 (Those who have already paid may disregard this cookie).
40130 Sorry never means having you're say to love.
40132 Space is big. You just won't believe how vastly, hugely, mind-bogglingly
40133 big it is. I mean, you may think it's a long way down the road to the
40134 drug store, but that's just peanuts to space.
40135 -- The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
40137 Space is to place as eternity is to time.
40140 Space tells matter how to move and matter tells space how to curve.
40143 Space: the final frontier. These are the voyages of the starship Enterprise.
40144 Its five-year mission: to explore strange new worlds; to seek out new life
40145 and new civilizations; to boldly go where no man has gone before.
40146 -- Captain James T. Kirk
40149 Any of the millions of Styrofoam wads that accompany mail-order items.
40150 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
40152 Speak roughly to your little boy,
40153 And beat him when he sneezes:
40154 He only does it to annoy
40155 Because he knows it teases.
40159 I speak severely to my boy,
40160 And beat him when he sneezes:
40161 For he can thoroughly enjoy
40162 The pepper when he pleases!
40166 Speak roughly to your little Vax,
40167 And boot it when it crashes;
40168 It knows that one cannot relax
40169 Because the paging thrashes!
40171 I speak severely to my Vax,
40172 And boot it when it crashes;
40173 In spite of all my favorite hacks,
40174 My jobs it always trashes!
40176 Speak softly and carry a +6 two-handed sword.
40178 "Speak, thou vast and venerable head," muttered Ahab, "which, though
40179 ungarnished with a beard, yet here and there lookest hoary with mosses; speak,
40180 mighty head, and tell us the secret thing that is in thee. Of all divers,
40181 thou has dived the deepest. That head upon which the upper sun now gleams has
40182 moved amid the world's foundations. Where unrecorded names and navies rust,
40183 and untold hopes and anchors rot; where in her murderous hold this frigate
40184 earth is ballasted with bones of millions of the drowned; there, in that awful
40185 water-land, there was thy most familiar home. Thou hast been where bell or
40186 diver never went; has slept by many a sailer's side, where sleepless mothers
40187 would give their lives to lay them down. Thou saw'st the locked lovers when
40188 leaping from their flaming ship; heart to heart they sank beneath the exulting
40189 wave; true to each other, when heaven seemed false to them. Thou saw'st the
40190 murdered mate when tossed by pirates from the midnight deck; for hours he fell
40191 into the deeper midnight of the insatiate maw; and his murderers still sailed
40192 on unharmed -- while swift lightnings shivered the neighboring ship that would
40193 have borne a righteous husband to outstretched, longing arms. O head! thou has
40194 seen enough to split the planets and make an infidel of Abraham, and not one
40195 syllable is thine!"
40196 -- H. Melville, "Moby Dick"
40198 Speaking as someone who has delved into the intricacies of PL/I, I am sure
40199 that only Real Men could have written such a machine-hogging, cycle-grabbing,
40200 all-encompassing monster. Allocate an array and free the middle third?
40201 Sure! Why not? Multiply a character string times a bit string and assign the
40202 result to a float decimal? Go ahead! Free a controlled variable procedure
40203 parameter and reallocate it before passing it back? Overlay three different
40204 types of variable on the same memory location? Anything you say! Write a
40205 recursive macro? Well, no, but Real Men use rescan. How could a language
40206 so obviously designed and written by Real Men not be intended for Real Man use?
40208 Speaking of love, one problem that recurs more and more frequently these
40209 days, in books and plays and movies, is the inability of people to communicate
40210 with the people they love; Husbands and wives who can't communicate, children
40211 who can't communicate with their parents, and so on. And the characters in
40212 these books and plays and so on (and in real life, I might add) spend hours
40213 bemoaning the fact that they can't communicate. I feel that if a person can't
40214 communicate, the very least he can do is to shut up!
40215 -- Tom Lehrer, "That Was the Year that Was"
40217 Speaking of purchasing a dog, never buy a watchdog that's
40218 on sale. After all, everyone knows a bargain dog never bites!
40220 Special tonight, the best toot in town at prices you won't believe!!
40221 Also, the finest dope, brought all the way from Columbia by spirited
40222 young adventurers. All available tonight, as usual, in the graduate
40223 students bullpen from 11: pm on, usual terms and conditions.
40224 Faculty members especially welcome.
40226 Speed upon county roads will be limited to ten miles an hour unless the
40227 motorist sees a bailiff who does not appear to have had a drink in 30 days,
40228 when the driver will be permitted to make what he can.
40229 -- Proposed legislation, Illinois State Legislature, May, 1907
40231 Spence's Admonition:
40232 Never stow away on a kamikaze plane.
40234 Spend extra time on hobby. Get plenty of rolling papers.
40240 The fine stream from a grapefruit that always lands
40242 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
40244 Spock: The odds of surviving another
40245 attack are 13562190123 to 1, Captain.
40247 Spock: We suffered 23 casualties in that attack, Captain.
40250 Someone who'll stand by you through all the
40251 trouble you wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single.
40253 Spring is here, spring is here,
40254 Life is skittles and life is beer.
40257 The button at the top of a baseball cap.
40258 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
40260 Squirrels eating squirrels, my God, that's sick.
40262 St. Patrick was a gentleman
40263 who through strategy and stealth
40264 drove all the snakes from Ireland.
40265 Here's a toasting to his health --
40266 but not too many toastings
40267 lest you lose yourself and then
40268 forget the good St. Patrick
40269 and see all those snakes again.
40271 Stability itself is nothing else than a more sluggish motion.
40273 Staff meeting in the conference room in 3 minutes.
40275 Stalin was dying, and summoned Khruschev to his bedside. Wheezing his last
40276 words with difficulty, Stalin tells Khruschev, "The reins of the country are
40277 now in your hands. But before I go, I want to give you some advice."
40278 "Yes, yes, what is it?" says Khruschev, impatiently. Reaching under
40279 his pillow, Stalin produced two envelopes labeled #1 and #2.
40280 "Take these letters," he tells Khruschev. "Keep them safely -- don't
40281 open them. Only if the country is in turmoil and things aren't going well,
40282 open the first one. That'll give you some advice on what to do. And, if
40283 after that, if things start getting REALLY bad, open the second one." And
40284 with a gasp Stalin breathed his last.
40285 Well, within a few years Khruschev started having problems --
40286 unemployment increased, crops failed, people became restless. He decided it
40287 was time to open the first letter. All it said was: "Blame everything on me!"
40288 So Khruschev launched a massive deStalinization campaign, and blamed Stalin
40289 for all the excesses and purges and ills of the present system.
40290 But things continued on the downslide, and, finally, after much
40291 deliberation, Khruschev opened the second letter.
40292 All it said was: "Write two letters."
40294 Stamp out organized crime!! Abolish the IRS.
40296 Stamp out philately.
40299 The principles we use to reject other people's code.
40301 Standards are different for all things, so the standard set by man is by
40302 no means the only 'certain' standard. If you mistake what is relative for
40303 something certain, you have strayed far from the ultimate truth.
40306 Standing on head makes smile of frown, but rest of face also upside down.
40308 Stanford women are responsible for the success of many Stanford men:
40309 they give them "just one more reason" to stay in and study every night.
40311 Star Wars is adolescent nonsense; Close Encounters is obscurantist drivel;
40312 Star Trek can turn your brains to puree of bat guano; and the greatest
40313 science fiction series of all time is Doctor Who! And I'll take you all
40314 on, one-by-one or all in a bunch to back it up!
40317 Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
40320 Start the day with a smile.
40321 After that you can be your nasty old self again.
40323 State license plates we'd like to see:
40325 NEVADA MASSACHUSETTS
40327 LAND OF 10,00 ELVIS IMPERSONATORS THE GOOFY ACCENT STATE
40331 FRUITY UMBRELLA COCKTAIL WONDERLAND EAT CHEESE OR DIE
40333 State license plates we'd like to see:
40337 THE UFO SIGHTING STATE THE HEAT PROSTRATION STATE
40339 CONNECTICUT MISSISSIPPI
40341 WHERE THE SMART NY WORK FORCE LIVES THE MOST OFTEN MISSPELLED STATE
40345 PLAY FOOTBALL OR DIE AMERICA'S DRUG DEALER
40347 State license plates we'd like to see:
40349 MICHIGAN CALIFORNIA
40350 4-GET 74-77 EGO-MN-E-X
40351 EMBARRASSED HOME STATE OF GERALD FORD THE SERIAL KILLER STATE
40353 NORTH CAROLINA NEW JERSEY
40355 HOME OF GOMER, GOOBER AND JESSE HELMS FIRST IN TOXIC WASTE
40357 KANSAS WASHINGTON DC
40358 TOTO -2 $10000000 ETC
40359 THE NOT MUCH SINCE THE WIZARD OF OZ WASTING YOUR MONEY SINCE 1810
40363 A system for expressing your political
40364 prejudices in convincing scientific guise.
40366 Statistics are no substitute for judgement.
40369 Statistics means never having to say you're certain.
40371 Stay away from flying saucers today.
40373 Stay away from hurricanes for a while.
40377 Stay together, drag each other down.
40379 Stayed in bed all morning just to pass the time,
40380 There's something wrong here, there can be no more denying,
40381 One of us is changing, or maybe we just stopped trying,
40383 And it's too late, baby, now, it's too late,
40384 Though we really did try to make it,
40385 Something inside has died and I can't hide and I just can't fake it...
40387 It used to be so easy living here with you,
40388 You were light and breezy and I knew just what to do
40389 Now you look so unhappy and I feel like a fool.
40391 There'll be good times again for me and you,
40392 But we just can't stay together, don't you feel it too?
40393 But I'm glad for what we had and that I once loved you...
40395 But it's too late baby...
40396 It's too late, now darling, it's too late...
40397 -- Carol King, "Tapestry"
40399 Steady movement is more important than speed, much of the time. So
40400 long as there is a regular progression of stimuli to get your mental
40401 hooks into, there is room for lateral movement. Once this begins,
40402 its rate is a matter of discretion.
40403 -- Corwin, "Prince of Amber"
40405 Stealing a rhinoceros should not be attempted lightly.
40407 Steckel's Rule to Success:
40408 Good enough is never good enough.
40410 Steele's Plagiarism of Somebody's Philosophy:
40411 Everybody should believe in something --
40412 I believe I'll have another drink.
40414 Stellar rays prove fibbing never pays.
40415 Embezzlement is another matter.
40418 The sooner you fall behind, the more time you will have to catch up.
40420 Step back, unbelievers!
40421 Or the rain will never come.
40422 Somebody keep the fire burning, someone come and beat the drum.
40423 You may think I'm crazy, you may think that I'm insane,
40424 But I swear to you, before this day is out,
40425 you folks are gonna see some rain!
40427 Still a few bugs in the system... Someday I have to tell you about Uncle
40428 Nahum from Maine, who spent years trying to cross a jellyfish with a shad
40429 so he could breed boneless shad. His experiment backfired too, and he
40430 wound up with bony jellyfish... which was hardly worth the trouble. There's
40431 very little call for those up there.
40432 -- Allucquere R. "Sandy" Stone
40434 Still looking for the glorious results of my misspent youth.
40435 Say, do you have a map to the next joint?
40437 Stinginess with privileges is kindness in disguise.
40438 -- Guide to VAX/VMS Security, Sep. 1984
40440 Stock's Observation:
40441 You no sooner get your head above water
40442 but what someone pulls your flippers off.
40445 One man's "simple" is another man's "huh?"
40447 Stop! There was first a game of blindman's buff. Of course there was.
40448 And I no more believe Topper was really blind than I believe he had eyes
40449 in his boots. My opinion is, that it was a done thing between him and
40450 Scrooge's nephew; and that the Ghost of Christmas Present knew it. The
40451 way he went after that plump sister in the lace tucker, was an outrage
40452 on the credulity of human nature.
40454 Stop me, before I kill again!
40456 Stop searching. Happiness is right next to you.
40458 Stop searching. Happiness is right next to you.
40459 Now, if they'd only take a bath...
40461 Stop searching forever. Happiness is just next to you.
40463 Stop searching forever. Happiness is unattainable.
40465 Strange things are done to be number one
40466 In selling the computer The Druids were entrepreneurs,
40467 IBM has their strategem And they built a granite box
40468 Which steadily grows acuter, It tracked the moon, warned of monsoons,
40469 And Honeywell competes like Hell, And forecast the equinox
40470 But the story's missing link Their price was right, their future
40471 Is the system old at Stonemenge sold bright,
40472 By the firm of Druids, Inc. The prototype was sold;
40473 From Stonehenge site their bits and byte
40474 Would ship for Celtic gold.
40475 The movers came to crate the frame;
40476 It weighed a million ton!
40477 The traffic folk thought it a joke The man spoke true, and thus to you
40478 (the wagon wheels just spun); A warning from the ages;
40479 "They'll nay sell that," the foreman Your stock will slip if you can't ship
40480 spat, What's in your brochure's pages.
40481 "Just leave the wild weeds grow; See if it sells without the bells
40482 "It's Druid-kind, over-designed, And strings that ring and quiver;
40483 "And belly up they'll go." Druid repute went down the chute
40484 Because they couldn't deliver.
40485 -- Edward C. McManus, "The Computer at Stonehenge"
40488 A comprehensive plan of inaction.
40491 A long-range plan whose merit cannot be evaluated until sometime
40492 after those creating it have left the organization.
40494 Straw? No, too stupid a fad. I put soot on warts.
40496 Stress has been pinpointed as a major cause of illness. To avoid overload
40497 and burnout, keep stress out of your life. Give it to others instead. Learn
40498 the "Gaslight" treatment, the "Are you talking to me?" technique, and the
40499 "Do you feel okay? You look pale." approach. Start with negotiation and
40500 implication. Advance to manipulation and humiliation. Above all, relax
40501 and have a nice day.
40503 Stuckness shouldn't be avoided. It's the psychic predecessor of all
40504 real understanding. An egoless acceptance of stuckness is a key to an
40505 understanding of all Quality, in mechanical work as in other endeavors.
40506 -- R. Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance"
40509 Our problems are mostly behind us.
40510 What we have to do now is fight the solutions.
40513 Losing $25 on the tackle and $25 on the instant replay.
40515 Stupidity is its own reward.
40517 Style may not be the answer, but at least it's a workable alternative.
40519 Suaviter in modo, fortiter in re.
40520 Se non e vero, e ben trovato.
40522 Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very'; your
40523 editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.
40526 Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the
40527 way before it is understood.
40529 Subtlety is the art of saying what you think
40530 and getting out of the way before it is understood
40532 Suburbia is where the developer bulldozes out the trees, then names
40533 the streets after them.
40536 Success is a journey, not a destination.
40538 Success is getting what you want; happiness is wanting what you get.
40540 Success is in the minds of Fools.
40541 -- William Wrenshaw, 1578
40543 Success is relative: It is what we can make of the mess we have
40545 -- T.S. Eliot, "The Family Reunion"
40547 Success is something I will dress for when I get there, and not until.
40549 Success is the sole earthly judge of right and wrong.
40550 -- Adolph Hitler, "Mein Kampf"
40552 Succumb to natural tendencies. Be hateful and boring.
40554 Such a fine first dream!
40555 But they laughed at me; they said
40558 Such a foolish notion, that war is called devotion,
40559 when the greatest warriors are the ones who stand for peace.
40561 Such efforts are almost always slow, laborious, political,
40562 petty, boring, ponderous, thankless, and of the utmost criticality.
40563 -- Leonard Kleinrock, on standards efforts
40565 Such evil deeds could religion prompt.
40566 -- Titus Lucretius Carus
40568 Sudden Death Dating:
40571 Am I worried about taking his last name? Forget it,
40572 at this point I'll take his first name, too.
40574 Suffering alone exists, none who suffer;
40575 The deed there is, but no doer thereof;
40576 Nirvana is, but no one is seeking it;
40577 The Path there is, but none who travel it.
40578 -- "Buddhist Symbolism", Symbols and Values
40580 Suggest you just sit there and wait till life gets easier.
40582 Suicide is simply a case of mistaken identity.
40584 Suicide is the sincerest form of self-criticism.
40589 Sun in the night, everyone is together,
40590 Ascending into the heavens, life is forever.
40591 -- Brand X, "Moroccan Roll/Sun in the Night"
40594 The Network IS the Load Average.
40597 Pronounced atmospheric scattering of shorter wavelengths,
40598 resulting in selective transmission below 650 nanometers with
40599 progressively reducing solar elevation.
40601 Superstition, idolatry, and hypocrisy
40602 have ample wages, but truth goes a-begging.
40605 Superstitions typically involve seeing order where in fact there is
40606 none, and denial amounts to rejecting evidence of regularities,
40607 sometimes even ones that are staring us in the face.
40608 -- Murray Gell-Mann, "Quark and the Jaguar"
40610 Supervisor: Do you think you understand the basic ideas of Quantum Mechanics?
40611 Supervisee: Ah! Well, what do we mean by "to understand" in the context of
40613 Supervisor: You mean "No", don't you?
40615 -- Overheard at a supervision.
40617 Support Bingo, keep Grandma off the streets.
40619 Support mental health or I'LL KILL YOU!!!!
40621 Support the American Kidney Foundation.
40622 Don't wear your motorcycle helmet.
40624 Support the Girl Scouts!
40625 (Today's Brownie is tomorrow's Cookie!)
40627 Support the right of unborn males to bear arms!
40628 -- A public service announcement from Phyllis Schlafly,
40629 the Catholic Church, and the National Rifle Association
40631 Support your local church or synagogue.
40632 Worship at Bank of America.
40634 Support your right to arm bears!!
40636 Support your right to bare arms!
40637 -- A message from the National Short-Sleeved Shirt Association
40639 Suppose for a moment that the automobile industry had developed at the same
40640 rate as computers and over the same period: how much cheaper and more
40641 efficient would the current models be? If you have not already heard the
40642 analogy, the answer is shattering. Today you would be able to buy a
40643 Rolls-Royce for $2.75, it would do three million miles to the gallon, and
40644 it would deliver enough power to drive the Queen Elizabeth II. And if you
40645 were interested in miniaturization, you could place half a dozen of them on
40647 -- Christopher Evans
40649 Sure, Reagan has promised to take senility tests.
40650 But what if he forgets?
40652 Sure there are dishonest men in local government. But there are dishonest
40653 men in national government too.
40654 -- Richard M. Nixon
40656 "Surely you can't be serious."
40657 "I am serious, and don't call me Shirley."
40659 Surly to bed, surly to rise, makes you about average.
40661 Surprise! You are the lucky winner of random I.R.S Audit!
40662 Just type in your name and social security number.
40663 Please remember that leaving the room is punishable under law:
40669 Surprise due today. Also the rent.
40671 Surprise your boss. Get to work on time.
40674 When that-which-may-still-be-alive is put on top of rice and
40675 strapped on with electrical tape.
40678 The way of the tuna.
40680 Suspicion always haunts the guilty mind.
40683 Swap read error. You lose your mind.
40686 A garment worn by a child when their mother feels chilly.
40688 Sweet April showers do spring May flowers.
40691 Sweet sixteen is beautiful Bess,
40692 And her voice is changing -- from "No" to "Yes".
40694 Swerve me? The path to my fixed purpose is laid with iron rails,
40695 whereon my soul is grooved to run. Over unsounded gorges, through
40696 the rifled hearts of mountains, under torrents' beds, unerringly
40698 -- Captain Ahab, "Moby Dick"
40700 Swipple's Rule of Order:
40701 He who shouts the loudest has the floor.
40703 Symptom: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, beer is
40704 unusually pale and clear.
40705 Problem: Glass empty.
40706 Action Required: Find someone who will buy you another beer.
40708 Symptom: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction,
40709 and the front of your shirt is wet.
40710 Fault: Mouth not open when drinking or glass applied to
40711 wrong part of face.
40712 Action Required: Buy another beer and practice in front of mirror.
40713 Drink as many as needed to perfect drinking technique.
40715 -- Bar Troubleshooting
40717 Symptom: Everything has gone dark.
40718 Fault: The Bar is closing.
40719 Action Required: Panic.
40721 Symptom: You awaken to find your bed hard, cold and wet.
40722 You cannot see the bathroom light.
40723 Fault: You have spent the night in the gutter.
40724 Action Required: Check your watch to see if bars are open yet. If not,
40725 treat yourself to a lie-in.
40727 -- Bar Troubleshooting
40729 Symptom: Feet cold and wet, glass empty.
40730 Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
40731 Action Required: Turn glass other way up so that open end points
40734 Symptom: Feet warm and wet.
40735 Fault: Improper bladder control.
40736 Action Required: Go stand next to nearest dog. After a while complain
40737 to the owner about its lack of house training and
40738 demand a beer as compensation.
40740 -- Bar Troubleshooting
40742 Symptom: Floor blurred.
40743 Fault: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
40744 Action Required: Find someone who will buy you another beer.
40746 Symptom: Floor moving.
40747 Fault: You are being carried out.
40748 Action Required: Find out if you are taken to another bar. If not,
40749 complain loudly that you are being kidnapped.
40751 -- Bar Troubleshooting
40753 Symptom: Floor swaying.
40754 Fault: Excessive air turbulence, perhaps due to air-hockey
40756 Action Required: Insert broom handle down back of jacket.
40758 Symptom: Everything has gone dim, strange taste of peanuts
40759 and pretzels or cigarette butts in mouth.
40760 Fault: You have fallen forward.
40761 Action Required: See above.
40763 Symptom: Opposite wall covered with acoustic tile and several
40764 flourescent light strips.
40765 Fault: You have fallen over backward.
40766 Action Required: If your glass is full and no one is standing on your
40767 drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to help
40768 you get up, lash yourself to bar.
40770 -- Bar Troubleshooting
40772 Syntactic sugar causes cancer of the semicolon.
40773 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
40775 System checkpoint complete.
40777 System going down at 1:45 this afternoon for disk crashing.
40779 System going down at 5 this afternoon to install scheduler bug.
40781 System going down in 5 minutes.
40783 System restarting, wait...
40785 System/3! System/3!
40786 See how it runs! See how it runs!
40787 Its monitor loses so totally!
40788 It runs all its programs in RPG!
40789 It's made by our favorite monopoly!
40792 SYSTEM-INDEPENDENT:
40793 Works equally poorly on all systems.
40795 Systems have sub-systems and sub-systems have sub-systems and so on ad
40796 infinitum -- which is why we're always starting over.
40797 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
40799 Systems programmer:
40800 A person in sandals who has been in the elevator with the senior
40801 vice president and is ultimately responsible for a phone call you
40802 are to receive from your boss.
40804 Systems programmers are the high priests of a low cult.
40807 T: One big monster, he called TROLL.
40808 He don't rock, and he don't roll;
40809 Drink no wine, and smoke no stogies.
40810 He just Love To Eat Them Roguies.
40811 -- The Roguelet's ABC
40814 Serving grape kool-aid at religious functions.
40817 The unsaid part of what you're thinking.
40819 Tact consists in knowing how far to go in going too far.
40822 Tact in audacity is knowing how far you can go without going too far.
40825 Tact is the ability to tell a man he has
40826 an open mind when he has a hole in his head.
40828 Tact is the art of making a point without making an enemy.
40830 Take a lesson from the whale; the only time
40831 he gets speared is when he raises to spout.
40833 Take an astronaut to launch.
40835 Take care of the luxuries and the
40836 necessities will take care of themselves.
40839 Take Care of the Molehills, and the Mountains Will Take Care of Themselves.
40840 -- Motto of the Federal Civil Service
40842 Take everything in stride.
40843 Trample anyone who gets in your way.
40845 TAKE FORCEFUL ACTION:
40846 Do something that should have been done a long time ago.
40848 Take it easy, we're in a hurry.
40853 Take my word for it, the silliest woman can manage a clever man,
40854 but it needs a very clever woman to manage a fool.
40857 Take time to reflect on all the things you have, not as a result of your
40858 merit or hard work or because God or chance or the efforts of other people
40859 have given them to you.
40861 Take what you can use and let the rest go by.
40864 Take your dying with some seriousness, however.
40865 Laughing on the way to your execution is not generally understood
40866 by less-advanced life-forms, and they'll call you crazy.
40867 -- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul
40869 Take your Senator to lunch this week.
40871 Take your work seriously but never take yourself seriously; and do not
40872 take what happens either to yourself or your work seriously.
40873 -- Booth Tarkington
40875 Taking drugs in the 60's, I tried to reach Nirvana, but all I ever
40876 got were re-runs of The Mickey Mouse Club.
40879 Talent does what it can.
40880 Genius does what it must.
40881 You do what you get paid to do.
40883 Talk is cheap because supply always exceeds demand.
40885 Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.
40888 Talkers are no good doers.
40889 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
40891 Talking about music is like dancing about architecture.
40894 Talking much about oneself can also be a means to conceal oneself.
40895 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
40897 Tallulah Bankhead barged down the
40898 Nile last night as Cleopatra and sank.
40899 -- John Mason Brown, drama critic
40901 Tan me hide when I'm dead, Fred,
40902 Tan me hide when I'm dead.
40903 So we tanned his hide when he died, Clyde,
40904 It's hanging there on the shed.
40906 All together now...
40907 Tie me kangaroo down, sport,
40908 Tie me kangaroo down.
40909 Tie me kangaroo down, sport,
40910 Tie me kangaroo down.
40912 Tart words make no friends; a spoonful of honey
40913 will catch more flies than a gallon of vinegar.
40916 TAURUS (Apr 20 - May 20)
40917 You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination
40918 and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bull
40919 headed. You are a Communist.
40921 TAURUS (Apr. 20 to May 20)
40922 Let your self-confidence and determination shine, and people will
40923 find you boorish and headstrong. Travel, promotion, and romance
40924 highlighted, if you live long enough. Don't take any wooden nickels.
40926 TAURUS (Apr.20 - May 20)
40927 Take advantage of this opportunity to get a little extra sleep,
40928 because you're going to miss the bus again today anyway. You will
40929 decide to lose weight today, just like yesterday.
40934 Tax reform means "Don't tax you, don't
40935 tax me, tax that fellow behind the tree."
40939 Of life's two certainties,
40940 the only one for which you can get an extension.
40943 Of life's two certainties, the only one for
40944 which you can get an extension.
40946 Taxes are not levied for the benefit of the taxed.
40948 TCP/IP Slang Glossary, #1:
40950 Gong, n: Medieval term for privvy, or what pased for them in that era.
40951 Today used whimsically to describe the aftermath of a bogon attack. Think
40952 of our community as the Galapagos of the English language.
40954 "Vogons may read you bad poetry, but bogons make you study obsolete RFCs."
40957 Teach children to be polite and courteous in the home, and,
40958 when they grow up, they won't be able to edge a car onto a freeway.
40960 Teachers have class.
40963 Having someone to blame.
40965 Teamwork is essential -- it allows you to blame someone else.
40967 Technicality, n. In an English court a man named Home was tried for
40968 slander in having accused a neighbor of murder. His exact words were:
40969 "Sir Thomas Holt hath taken a cleaver and stricken his cook upon the
40970 head, so that one side of his head fell on one shoulder and the other
40971 side upon the other shoulder." The defendant was acquitted by
40972 instruction of the court, the learned judges holding that the words did
40973 not charge murder, for they did not affirm the death of the cook, that
40974 being only an inference.
40975 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
40977 Technique?" said the programmer turning from his terminal, "What I follow
40978 is Tao -- beyond all technique! When I first began to program I would see
40979 before me the whole problem in one mass. After three years I no longer saw
40980 this mass. Instead, I used subroutines. But now I see nothing. My whole
40981 being exists in a formless void. My senses are idle. My spirit, free to
40982 work without plan, follows its own instinct. In short, my program writes
40983 itself. True, sometimes there are difficult problems. I see them coming, I
40984 slow down, I watch silently. Then I change a single line of code and the
40985 difficulties vanish like puffs of idle smoke. I then compile the program.
40986 I sit still and let the joy of the work fill my being. I close my eyes for
40987 a moment and then log off.
40989 Technological progress has merely provided us
40990 with more efficient means for going backwards.
40993 Technology is dominated by those who manage what they do not understand.
40995 Tehee quod she, and clapte the wyndow to.
40996 -- Geoffrey Chaucer
40998 Telephone books are like dictionaries -- if you know the answer before
40999 you look it up, you can eventually reaffirm what you thought you knew
41000 but weren't sure. But if you're searching for something you don't
41001 already know, your fingers could walk themselves to death.
41005 An invention of the devil which abrogates some of the advantages of
41006 making a disagreeable person keep his distance.
41010 The deep-seated guilt which stems from knowing that you did not try
41011 hard enough to look up the number on your own and instead put the
41012 burden on the directory assistant.
41013 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
41015 Television -- a medium. So called because it is neither rare nor well done.
41018 Television -- the longest amateur night in history.
41021 Television has brought back murder into the home -- where it belongs.
41022 -- Alfred Hitchcock
41024 Television has proved that people will look at anything rather than
41028 Television is a medium because anything well done is rare.
41029 -- attributed to both Fred Allen and Ernie Kovacs
41031 Television is now so desperately hungry for material
41032 that it is scraping the top of the barrel.
41035 Television only proves that people will look at anything --
41036 rather than each other.
41038 Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll
41039 believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he'll have
41040 to touch to be sure.
41042 Tell me, O Octopus, I begs,
41043 Is those things arms, or is they legs?
41044 I marvel at thee, Octopus;
41045 If I were thou, I'd call me us.
41048 Tell me what to think!!!
41050 Tell me why the stars do shine,
41051 Tell me why the ivy twines,
41052 Tell me why the sky's so blue,
41053 And I will tell you just why I love you.
41055 Nuclear fusion makes stars to shine,
41056 Phototropism makes ivy twine,
41057 Rayleigh scattering makes sky so blue,
41058 Sexual hormones are why I love you.
41060 Telling the truth to people who misunderstand you is generally
41061 promoting a falsehood, isn't it?
41064 Tempt me with a spoon!
41066 Tempt not a desperate man.
41067 -- William Shakespeare, "Romeo and Juliet"
41069 Ten of the meanest cons in the state pen met in the corner of the yard to
41070 shoot some craps. The stakes were enormous, the tension palpable.
41071 When his turn came to shoot, Dutsky nervously plunked down his
41072 entire wad, shook the dice and rolled. A smile crossed his face as a seven
41073 showed up, but it quickly changed to horror as a third die slipped out of
41074 his sleeve and fell to the ground with the two others. No one said a word.
41075 Finally, Killer Lucci picked up the third die, put it in his pocket and
41076 handed the others to Dutsky.
41077 "Roll 'em," Lucci said. "Your point is thirteen."
41079 Ten of the meanest cons in the state pen met in the corner of the yard to
41080 shoot some craps. The stakes were enormous, the tension palpable.
41081 When his turn came to shoot, Dutsky nervously plunked down his
41082 entire wad, shook the dice and rolled. A smile crossed his face as a
41083 seven showed up, but it quickly changed to horror as third die slipped out
41084 of his sleeve and fell to the ground with the two others. No one said a
41085 word. Finally, Killer Lucci picked up the third die, put it in his pocket
41086 and handed the others to Dutsky.
41087 "Roll 'em," Lucci said. "Your point is thirteen."
41089 Ten persons who speak make more noise than ten thousand who are silent.
41092 Ten years of rejection slips is nature's
41093 way of telling you to stop writing.
41096 Terence, this is stupid stuff:
41097 You eat your victuals fast enough;
41098 There can't be much amiss, 'tis clear,
41099 To see the rate you drink your beer.
41100 But oh, good Lord, the verse you make,
41101 It gives a chap the belly-ache.
41102 The cow, the old cow, she is dead;
41103 It sleeps well the horned head:
41104 We poor lads, 'tis our turn now
41105 To hear such tunes as killed the cow.
41106 Pretty friendship 'tis to rhyme
41107 Your friends to death before their time.
41108 Moping, melancholy mad:
41109 Come, pipe a tune to dance to, lad.
41112 Term, holidays, term, holidays, till we leave
41113 school, and then work, work, work till we die.
41116 Termiter's argument that God is His own grandmother generated a surprising
41117 amount of controversy among Church leaders, who on the one hand considered
41118 the argument unsupported by scripture but on the other hand were unwilling
41119 to risk offending God's grandmother.
41120 -- Len Cool, "American Pie"
41122 Tertullian was born in Carthage somewhere about 160 A.D. He was a pagan,
41123 and he abandoned himself to the lascivious life of his city until about
41124 his 35th year, when he became a Christian. [...] To him is ascribed the
41125 sublime confession: Credo quia absurdum est (I believe because it is absurd).
41126 This does not altogether accord with historical fact, for he merely said:
41127 "And the Son of God died, which is immediately credible because it
41128 is absurd. And buried he rose again, which is certain because it
41130 Thanks to the acuteness of his mind, he saw through the poverty of
41131 philosophical and Gnostic knowledge, and contemptuously rejected it.
41132 -- C.G. Jung, "Psychological Types"
41133 [Tertullian was one of the founders of the Catholic Church. Ed.]
41136 Take amount of grass used in one joint, and wash in 5 cc's
41137 of water, agitating gently for 15 minutes. Strain out leaves,
41138 leaving a brownish-yellow solution. Add 100 mg each of sodium
41139 bicarbonate and sodium dithionite. If paraquat is present,
41140 the solution will turn blue-green.
41142 Testing can show the presense of bugs, but not their absence.
41143 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
41145 Test-tube babies shouldn't throw stones.
41150 TEX is potentially the most significant invention in typesetting in this
41151 century. It introduces a standard language for computer typography, and in
41152 terms of importance could rank near the introduction of the Gutenberg press.
41155 Texas A&M football coach Jackie Sherrill went to the office of the Dean
41156 of Academics because he was concerned about his players' mental abilities.
41157 "My players are just too stupid for me to deal with them", he told the
41158 unbelieving dean. At this point, one of his players happened to enter
41159 the dean's office. "Let me show you what I mean", said Sherrill, and he
41160 told the player to run over to his office to see if he was in. "OK, Coach",
41161 the player replied, and was off. "See what I mean?" Sherrill asked.
41162 "Yeah", replied the dean. "He could have just picked up this phone and
41163 called you from here."
41165 Texas is Hell on woman and horses.
41168 Thank God I've always avoided persecuting my enemies.
41171 Thank you for observing all safety precautions.
41173 That all men should be brothers is the dream of people who have no brothers.
41174 -- Charles Chincholles, "Pensees de tout le monde"
41176 That does not compute.
41178 That feeling just came over me.
41179 -- Albert DeSalvo, the "Boston Strangler"
41181 That government is best which governs least.
41182 -- Henry David Thoreau, "Civil Disobedience"
41184 That is the true season of love, when we believe that we alone can love,
41185 that no one could have loved so before us, and that no one will love
41186 in the same way as us.
41187 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
41195 That must be wonderful: I don't understand it at all.
41198 That segment of the community with which one has the greatest
41199 sympathy as a liberal, inevitably turns out to be one of the most
41200 narrow-minded and bigoted segments of the community.
41202 That that is is that that is not is not.
41205 That, that is not, is not.
41206 That, that is, is not that, that is not.
41207 That, that is not, is not that, that is.
41209 ...that the notions of "hardware", and "software" should be extended by
41210 the notion of LIVEWARE - being that which produces software for use on
41211 hardware. This produces an obvious extension to the concept of MONITORS.
41212 A liveware monitor is a person dedicated to the task of ensuring that the
41213 liveware does not interfere with the real-time processes, invoking the
41214 REAL-TIME EXECUTIONER to delete liveware that adversely affects ...
41215 -- Linden and Wihelminalaan
41217 That which is not good for the swarm, neither is it good for the bee.
41219 That woman speaks eight languages and can't say "no" in any of them.
41222 That Xanthippe's husband should have become so great a philosopher is
41223 remarkable. Amid all the scolding, to be able to think! But he could not
41224 write: that was impossible. Socrates has not left us a single book.
41227 That's always the way when you discover
41228 something new; everyone thinks you're crazy.
41234 How much does it cost?
41236 I only have a dollar.
41239 That's life for you, said McDunn. Someone always waiting for someone
41240 who never comes home. Always someone loving something more than that
41241 thing loves them. And after awhile you want to destroy whatever that
41242 thing is, so it can't hurt you no more.
41243 -- R. Bradbury, "The Fog Horn"
41245 "That's no answer," Job said, "And for someone who's supposed to be
41246 omnipotent, let me tell you 'tabernacle' has only one l."
41247 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
41252 That's odd. That's very odd.
41253 Wouldn't you say that's very odd?
41255 That's one small step for a man; one giant leap for mankind.
41258 That's the most fun I've had without laughing.
41259 -- Woody Allen, on sex
41261 That's the thing about people who think they hate computers. What they
41262 really hate is lousy programmers.
41263 -- Larry Niven and Jerry Pournelle in "Oath of Fealty"
41265 That's the true harbinger of spring, not crocuses or swallows
41266 returning to Capistrano, but the sound of a bat on a ball.
41269 That's what she said.
41271 That's where the money was.
41272 -- Willie Sutton, on being asked why he robbed a bank
41274 It's a rather pleasant experience to be alone in a bank at night.
41277 The White Rabbit put on his spectacles.
41278 "Where shall I begin, please your Majesty ?" he asked.
41279 "Begin at the beginning,", the King said, very gravely,
41280 "and go on till you come to the end: then stop."
41283 The 11 is for people with the pride of a 10 and the pocketbook of an 8.
41286 The 357.73 Theory --
41287 Auditors always reject expense accounts
41288 with a bottom line divisible by 5.
41290 The 80's -- when you can't tell hairstyles from chemotherapy.
41292 The 'A' is for content, the 'minus' is for not typing it.
41293 Don't ever do this to my eyes again.
41294 -- Professor Ronald Brady, Philosophy, Ramapo State College
41296 The Abrams' Principle:
41297 The shortest distance between two points is off the wall.
41299 The absence of labels [in ECL] is probably a good thing.
41302 The absent ones are always at fault.
41304 The absurd is the essential concept and the first truth.
41307 The abuse of greatness is when it disjoins remorse from power.
41308 -- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar"
41310 The adjective is the banana peel of the parts of speech.
41313 The adjuration to be "normal" seems shockingly repellent to me; I see neither
41314 hope nor comfort in sinking to that low level. I think it is ignorance that
41315 makes people think of abnormality only with horror and allows them to remain
41316 undismayed at the proximity of "normal" to average and mediocre. For surely
41317 anyone who achieves anything is, essentially, abnormal.
41318 -- Dr. Karl Menninger, "The Human Mind", 1930
41320 The advantage of being celibate is that when one sees a pretty girl one
41321 does not need to grieve over having an ugly one back home.
41322 -- Paul Leautaud, "Propos dun jour"
41324 The aim of a joke is not to degrade the human being but to remind him that
41325 he is already degraded.
41328 The aim of science is to seek the simplest explanations of complex
41329 facts. Seek simplicity and distrust it.
41332 The alarm clock that is louder than God's own
41333 belongs to the roommate with the earliest class.
41335 The algorithm for finding the longest path in a graph is NP-complete.
41336 For you systems people, that means it's *real slow*.
41339 The all-softening overpowering knell,
41340 The tocsin of the soul, -- the dinner bell.
41343 The Almighty in His infinite wisdom did not see
41344 fit to create Frenchmen in the image of Englishmen.
41345 -- Winston Churchill, 1942
41347 The American Dental Association announced today that most plaque tends
41348 to form on teeth around 4:00 PM in the afternoon.
41352 The American nation in the sixth ward is a fine people; they love the
41353 eagle -- on the back of a dollar.
41354 -- Finlay Peter Dunne
41356 The American system of ours, call it Americanism, call it Capitalism,
41357 call it what you like, gives each and every one of us a great
41358 opportunity if we only seize it with both hands and make the most of it.
41361 The amount of time between slipping on the peel and landing on the
41362 pavement is precisely 1 bananosecond.
41364 The amount of weight an evangelist carries with the almighty is measured
41367 The Analytical Engine weaves Algebraical patterns
41368 just as the Jacquard loom weaves flowers and leaves.
41369 -- Ada Augusta, Countess of Lovelace, the first programmer
41371 The Anarchists' [national] anthem is an international anthem that consists
41372 of 365 raspberries blown in very quick succession to the tune of "Camptown
41373 Races". Nobody has to stand up for it, nobody has to listen to it, and,
41374 even better, nobody has to play it.
41375 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
41377 The Ancient Doctrine of Mind Over Matter:
41378 I don't mind... and you don't matter.
41380 -- As revealed to reporter G. Rivera by Swami Havabanana
41382 The Angels want to wear my red shoes.
41385 The anger of a woman is the greatest evil
41386 with which you can threaten your enemies.
41389 The Anglo-Saxon conscience does not prevent the Anglo-Saxon from
41390 sinning, it merely prevents him from enjoying his sin.
41391 --Salvador De Madariaga
41393 The angry man always thinks he can do more than he can.
41394 -- Albertano of Brescia
41396 The animals are not as stupid as one thinks -- they have neither
41397 doctors nor lawyers.
41400 The annual meeting of the "You Have To Listen To Experience" Club is now in
41401 session. Our Achievement Awards this year are in the fields of publishing,
41402 advertising and industry. For best consistent contribution in the field of
41403 publishing our award goes to editor, R.L.K., [...] for his unrivalled alle-
41404 giance without variation to the statement: "Personally I'd love to do it,
41405 we'd ALL love to do it. But we're not going to do it. It's not the kind of
41406 book our house knows how to handle." Our superior performance award in the
41407 field of advertising goes to media executive, E.L.M., [...] for the continu-
41408 ally creative use of the old favorite: "I think what you've got here could be
41409 very exciting. Why not give it one more try based on the approach I've out-
41410 lined and see if you can come up with something fresh." Our final award for
41411 courageous holding action in the field of industry goes to supervisor, R.S.,
41412 [...] for her unyielding grip on "I don't care if they fire me, I've been
41413 arguing for a new approach for YEARS but are we SURE that this is the right
41414 time--" I would like to conclude this meeting with a verse written specially
41415 for our prospectus by our founding president fifty years ago -- and now, as
41416 then, fully expressive of the emotion most close to all our hearts --
41417 Treat freshness as a youthful quirk,
41418 And dare not stray to ideas new,
41419 For if t'were tried they might e'en work
41420 And for a living what woulds't we do?
41422 The answer to the question of Life, the Universe, and Everything is...
41424 Four day work week,
41425 Two ply toilet paper!
41427 The answer to the Ultimate Question of Life, the Universe, and Everything was
41428 released with the kind permission of the Amalgamated Union of Philosophers,
41429 Sages, Luminaries, and Other Professional Thinking Persons.
41431 The ark lands after The Flood. Noah lets all the animals out. Says he, "Go
41432 and multiply." Several months pass. Noah decides to check up on the animals.
41433 All are doing fine except a pair of snakes. "What's the problem?" says Noah.
41434 "Cut down some trees and let us live there", say the snakes. Noah follows
41435 their advice. Several more weeks pass. Noah checks on the snakes again.
41436 Lots of little snakes, everybody is happy. Noah asks, "Want to tell me how
41437 the trees helped?" "Certainly", say the snakes. "We're adders, and we need
41440 The arms business is founded on human folly, that is why its depths will
41441 never be plumbed and why it will go on forever. All weapons are defensive
41442 and all spare parts are non-lethal. The plainest print cannot be read
41443 through a solid gold sovereign, or a ruble or a golden eagle.
41444 -- Sam Cummings, American arms dealer
41446 The Army has carried the American ... ideal to its logical conclusion.
41447 Not only do they prohibit discrimination on the grounds of race, creed
41448 and color, but also on ability.
41451 The Army needs leaders the way a foot needs a big toe.
41454 The assertion that "all men are created equal" was of no practical use in
41455 effecting our separation from Great Britain and it was placed in the
41456 Declaration not for that, but for future use.
41459 The astronomer Francesco Sizi, a contemporary of Galileo, argues that
41460 Jupiter can have no satellites:
41462 There are seven windows in the head, two nostrils, two ears, two
41463 eyes, and a mouth; so in the heavens there are two favorable stars, two
41464 unpropitious, two luminaries, and Mercury alone undecided and indifferent.
41465 From which and many other similar phenomena of nature such as the seven
41466 metals, etc., which it were tedious to enumerate, we gather that the number
41467 of planets is necessarily seven. [...]
41468 Moreover, the satellites are invisible to the naked eye and
41469 therefore can have no influence on the earth and therefore would be useless
41470 and therefore do not exist.
41472 The attacker must vanquish; the defender need only survive.
41474 The average girl would rather have beauty than brains because she
41475 knows that the average man can see much better than he can think.
41476 -- Ladies' Home Journal
41478 The average, healthy, well-adjusted adult gets up at seven-thirty in
41479 the morning feeling just terrible.
41482 The average income of the modern teenager is about 2AM.
41484 The average individual's position in any hierarchy is a lot like pulling
41485 a dogsled -- there's no real change of scenery except for the lead dog.
41487 The average nutritional value of promises is roughly zero.
41489 The average Ph.D thesis is nothing but the transference of bones from
41490 one graveyard to another.
41491 -- J. Frank Dobie, "A Texan in England"
41493 The average woman must inevitably view her actual husband with a certain
41494 disdain; he is anything but her ideal. In consequence, she cannot help
41495 feeling that her children are cruelly handicapped by the fact that he is
41499 The avocation of assessing the failures of better men can be turned
41500 into a comfortable livelihood, providing you back it up with a Ph.D.
41501 -- Nelson Algren, "Writers at Work"
41503 The avoidance of taxes is the only intellectual pursuit that
41504 carries any reward.
41505 -- John Maynard Keynes
41507 The bank called to tell me that I'm overdrawn,
41508 Some freaks are burning crosses out on my front lawn,
41509 And I *can't*believe* it, all the Cheetos are gone,
41510 It's just ONE OF THOSE DAYS!
41511 -- Weird Al Yankovic, "One of Those Days"
41513 The bank sent our statement this morning,
41514 The red ink was a sight of great awe!
41515 Their figures and mine might have balanced,
41516 But my wife was too quick on the draw.
41518 The basic idea behind malls is that they are more convenient than cities.
41519 Cities contain streets, which are dangerous and crowded and difficult to
41520 park in. Malls, on the other hand, have parking lots, which are also
41521 dangerous and crowded and difficult to park in, but -- here is the big
41522 difference -- in mall parking lots, THERE ARE NO RULES. You're allowed to
41523 do anything. You can drive as fast as you want in any direction you want.
41524 I was once driving in a mall parking lot when my car was struck by a pickup
41525 truck being driven backward by a squat man with a tattoo that said "Charlie"
41526 on his forearm, who got out and explained to me, in great detail, why the
41527 accident was my fault, his reasoning being that he was violent and muscular,
41528 whereas I was neither. This kind of reasoning is legally valid in mall
41532 The bay-trees in our country are all wither'd
41533 And meteors fright the fixed stars of heaven;
41534 The pale-faced moon looks bloody on the earth
41535 And lean-look'd prophets whisper fearful change.
41536 These signs forerun the death or fall of kings.
41537 -- Wm. Shakespeare, "Richard II"
41540 Paul McCartney's old back-up band.
41542 The beauty of a pun is in the "Oy!" of the beholder.
41544 The beer-cooled computer does not harm the ozone layer.
41545 -- John M. Ford, a.k.a. Dr. Mike
41547 [If I can read my notes from the Ask Dr. Mike session at Baycon, I
41548 believe he added that the beer-cooled computer uses "Forget Only
41551 The best audience is intelligent, well-educated and a little drunk.
41554 The best book on programming for the layman is "Alice in Wonderland";
41555 but that's because it's the best book on anything for the layman.
41557 The best case: Get salary from America, build a house in England,
41558 live with a Japanese wife, and eat Chinese food.
41559 Pretty good case: Get salary from England, build a house in America,
41560 live with a Chinese wife, and eat Japanese food.
41561 The worst case: Get salary from China, build a house in Japan,
41562 live with a British wife, and eat American food.
41564 --Bungei Shunju, a popular Japanese magazine
41566 The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.
41569 The best defense against logic is ignorance.
41571 The best definition of a gentleman is a man who can play the accordion --
41575 The best diplomat I know is a fully activated phaser bank.
41578 The best equipment for your work is, of course, the most expensive.
41579 However, your neighbor is always wasting money that should be yours
41580 by judging things by their price.
41582 The best executive is one who has sense enough to pick good people to do
41583 what he wants done, and self-restraint enough to keep from meddling with
41584 them while they do it.
41585 -- Theodore Roosevelt
41587 The best laid plans of mice and men are held up in the legal department.
41589 The best laid plans of mice and men are usually about equal.
41592 The best man for the job is often a woman.
41594 The best number for a dinner party is two -- myself and a damn good
41596 -- Nubar Gulbenkian
41598 The best portion of a good man's life, his little,
41599 nameless, unremembered acts of kindness and love.
41602 The best prophet of the future is the past.
41604 The best rebuttal to this kind of statistical argument came from the
41605 redoubtable John W. Campbell:
41607 The laws of population growth tell us that approximately half the
41608 people who were ever born in the history of the world are now
41609 dead. There is therefore a 0.5 probability that this message is
41610 being read by a corpse.
41612 The best that we can do is to be kindly and helpful toward our friends and
41613 fellow passengers who are clinging to the same speck of dirt while we are
41614 drifting side by side to our common doom.
41617 The best thing about being bald is, that, when unexpected
41618 company arrives, all you have to do is straighten your tie.
41620 The best thing about growing older is that it takes such a long time.
41622 The best thing that comes out of Iowa is I-80.
41624 The best things in life are for a fee.
41626 The best things in life go on sale sooner or later.
41628 The best way to accelerate a Macintoy is at 9.8 meters per second, squared.
41630 The best way to avoid responsibility is to say, "I've got responsibilities."
41632 The best way to get rid of worries is to let them die of neglect.
41634 The best way to keep your friends is not to give them away.
41636 The best way to preserve a right is to exercise it, and the right to
41637 smoke is a right worth dying for.
41639 The best ways are the most straightforward ways. When you're sitting around
41640 scamming these things out, all kinds of James Bondian ideas come forth, but
41641 when it gets down to the reality of it, the simplest and most straightforward
41642 way is usually the best, and the way that attracts the least attention.
41643 Also, pouring gasoline on the water and lighting it like James Bond doesn't
41644 work either.... They tried it during Prohibition.
41645 -- Thomas King Forcade, marijuana smuggler
41647 The best you get is an even break.
41650 The better part of valor is discretion.
41651 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV"
41653 The better the state is established, the fainter is humanity.
41654 To make the individual uncomfortable, that is my task.
41657 The Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals and 362 admonishments
41658 to heterosexuals. That doesn't mean that God doesn't love heterosexuals.
41659 It's just that they need more supervision.
41661 The Bible is not my Book and Christianity is not my religion. I could
41662 never give assent to the long complicated statements of Christian dogma.
41665 The Bible on letters of reference:
41667 Are we beginning all over again to produce our credentials? Do
41668 we, like some people, need letters of introduction to you, or from you?
41669 No, you are all the letter we need, a letter written on your heart; any
41670 man can see it for what it is and read it for himself.
41671 -- 2 Corinthians 3:1-2, New English translation
41673 The big cities of America are becoming Third World countries.
41676 The big mistake that men make is that when they turn thirteen or fourteen
41677 and all of a sudden they've reached puberty, they believe that they like
41678 women. Actually, you're just horny. It doesn't mean you like women any
41679 more at twenty-one than you did at ten.
41682 The big question is why in the course of evolution the males permitted
41683 themselves to be so totally eclipsed by the females. Why do they tolerate
41684 this total subservience, this wretched existence as outcasts who are
41685 hungry all the time?
41687 The bigger they are, the harder they hit.
41689 The biggest difference between time and space is that you can't reuse time.
41692 The biggest mistake you can make is to believe that you are
41693 working for someone else.
41695 The biggest problem with communication is the illusion that it has
41698 The Bird of Time has but a little way to fly ...
41699 and the bird is on the wing.
41702 The black bear used to be one of the most commonly seen large animals
41703 because in Yosemite and Sequoia national parks they lived off of garbage
41704 and tourist handouts. This bear has learned to open car doors in
41705 Yosemite, where damage to automobiles caused by bears runs into the tens
41706 of thousands of dollars a year. Campaigns to bearproof all garbage
41707 containers in wild areas have been difficult, because as one biologist
41708 put it, "There is a considerable overlap between the intelligence levels
41709 of the smartest bears and the dumbest tourists."
41711 The bland leadeth the bland and they both shall fall into the kitsch.
41713 The bold youth of today is very lonely.
41714 -- Poul Henningsen [1894-1967]
41716 The bomb will never go off. I speak as an expert in explosives.
41717 -- Admiral William Leahy, U.S. Atomic Bomb Project
41719 The bone-chilling scream split the warm summer night in two, the first
41720 half being before the scream when it was fairly balmy and calm and
41721 pleasant, the second half still balmy and quite pleasant for those who
41722 hadn't heard the scream at all, but not calm or balmy or even very nice
41723 for those who did hear the scream, discounting the little period of time
41724 during the actual scream itself when your ears might have been hearing it
41725 but your brain wasn't reacting yet to let you know.
41726 -- Winning sentence, 1986 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest.
41728 The boy stood on the burning deck,
41729 Eating peanuts by the peck.
41730 His father called him, but he could not go,
41731 For he loved those peanuts so.
41733 The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment
41734 you get up in the morning, and does not stop until you get to work.
41736 The Briggs - Chase Law of Program Development:
41737 To determine how long it will take to write and debug a
41738 program, take your best estimate, multiply that by two, add
41739 one, and convert to the next higher units.
41741 The British are coming! The British are coming!
41743 The broad mass of a nation... will more easily
41744 fall victim to a big lie than to a small one.
41745 -- Adolf Hitler, "Mein Kampf"
41747 The brotherhood of man is not a mere poet's dream; it is a most depressing
41748 and humiliating reality.
41751 The Buddha, the Godhead, resides quite as comfortably in the circuits of a
41752 digital computer or the gears of a cycle transmission as he does at the top
41753 of a mountain or in the petals of a flower. To think otherwise is to demean
41754 the Buddha -- which is to demean oneself.
41755 -- Robert Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance"
41757 The bugs you have to avoid are the ones that give the user not only
41758 the inclination to get on a plane, but also the time.
41761 The Bulwer-Lytton fiction contest is held ever year at San Jose State
41762 Univ. by Professor Scott Rice. It is held in memory of Edward George
41763 Earle Bulwer-Lytton (1803-1873), a rather prolific and popular (in his
41764 time) novelist. He is best known today for having written "The Last
41767 Whenever Snoopy starts typing his novel from the top of his doghouse,
41768 beginning "It was a dark and stormy night..." he is borrowing from Lord
41769 Bulwer-Lytton. This was the line that opened his novel, "Paul Clifford,"
41770 written in 1830. The full line reveals why it is so bad:
41772 It was a dark and stormy night; the rain fell in torrents -- except
41773 at occasional intervals, when it was checked by a violent gust of
41774 wind which swept up the streets (for it is in London that our scene
41775 lies), rattling along the housetops, and fiercely agitating the scanty
41776 flame of the lamps that struggled against the darkness.
41778 The cable TV sex channels don't expand our horizons, don't make us better
41779 people, and don't come in clearly enough.
41782 The camel died quite suddenly on the second day, and Selena fretted
41783 sullenly and, buffing her already impeccable nails -- not for the first
41784 time since the journey begain -- pondered snidely if this would dissolve
41785 into a vignette of minor inconveniences like all the other holidays spent
41787 -- Winning sentence, 1983 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest.
41789 The carbonyl is polarized,
41790 The delta end is plus.
41791 The nucleophile will thus attack,
41792 The carbon nucleus.
41793 Addition makes an alcohol,
41794 Of types there are but three.
41795 It makes a bond, to correspond,
41796 From C to shining C.
41797 -- Prof. Frank Westheimer, to "America the Beautiful"
41799 The cart has no place where a fifth wheel could be used.
41800 -- Herbert von Fritzlar
41802 The Celts invented two things, Whiskey and self-distruction.
41804 The chains of marriage are so heavy that it takes two to carry them, and
41808 The chicken that clucks the loudest is the one most likely to show up
41809 at the steam fitters picnic.
41811 The chief cause of problems is solutions.
41814 The chief enemy of creativity is "good" sense
41817 The church is near but the road is icy,
41818 the bar is far away but I will walk carefully.
41821 The church saves sinners, but science seeks to stop their manufacture.
41824 The City of Palo Alto, in its official description of parking lot standards,
41825 specifies the grade of wheelchair access ramps in terms of centimeters of
41826 rise per foot of run. A compromise, I imagine...
41828 The clash of ideas is the sound of freedom.
41830 The clearest way into the Universe is through a forest wilderness.
41833 The clergy successfully preached the doctrines of patience and pusillanimity;
41834 the active virtues of society were discouraged; and the last remains of a
41835 military spirit were buried in the cloister: a large portion of public and
41836 private wealth was consecrated to the specious demands of charity and devotion;
41837 and the soldiers' pay was lavished on the useless multitudes of both sexes
41838 who could only plead the merits of abstinence and chastity.
41839 -- Edward Gibbons, "The Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire"
41841 The climate of Bombay is such that its inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
41843 The closest to perfection a person ever comes is when they fill out a
41846 The closest to perfection a person ever comes
41847 is when he fills out a job application form.
41848 -- Stanley J. Randall
41850 The clothes have no emperor.
41851 -- C.A.R. Hoare, commenting on ADA.
41853 The coast was clear.
41856 The college graduate is presented with a sheepskin to cover his
41857 intellectual nakedness.
41858 -- Robert M. Hutchins
41860 The Commandments of the EE:
41862 1: Beware of lightning that lurketh in an uncharged condenser
41863 lest it cause thee to bounce upon thy buttocks in a most
41864 embarrassing manner.
41865 2: Cause thou the switch that supplieth large quantities of juice to
41866 be opened and thusly tagged, that thy days may be long in this
41867 earthly vale of tears.
41868 3: Prove to thyself that all circuits that radiateth, and upon
41869 which the worketh, are grounded and thusly tagged lest they lift
41870 thee to a radio frequency potential and causeth thee to make like
41872 4: Tarry thou not amongst these fools that engage in intentional
41873 shocks for they are not long for this world and are surely
41876 The Commandments of the EE:
41878 5: Take care that thou useth the proper method when thou takest the
41879 measures of high-voltage circuits too, that thou dost not incinerate
41880 both thee and thy test meter, for verily, though thou has no company
41881 property number and can be easily surveyed, the test meter has
41882 one and, as a consequence, bringeth much woe unto a purchasing agent.
41883 6: Take care that thou tamperest not with interlocks and safety devices,
41884 for this incurreth the wrath of the chief electrician and bring
41885 the fury of the engineers on his head.
41886 7: Work thou not on energized equipment for if thou doest so, thy
41887 friends will surely be buying beers for thy widow and consoling
41888 her in certain ways not generally acceptable to thee.
41889 8: Verily, verily I say unto thee, never service equipment alone,
41890 for electrical cooking is a slow process and thou might sizzle in
41891 thy own fat upon a hot circuit for hours on end before thy maker
41892 sees fit to end thy misery and drag thee into his fold.
41894 The Commandments of the EE:
41896 9: Trifle thee not with radioactive tubes and substances lest thou
41897 commence to glow in the dark like a lightning bug, and thy wife be
41898 frustrated and have not further use for thee except for thy wages.
41899 10: Commit thou to memory all the words of the prophets which are
41900 written down in thy Bible which is the National Electrical Code,
41901 and giveth out with the straight dope and consoleth thee when
41902 thou hast suffered a ream job by the chief electrician.
41903 11: When thou muckest about with a device in an unthinking and/or
41904 unknowing manner, thou shalt keep one hand in thy pocket. Better
41905 that thou shouldest keep both hands in thy pockets than
41906 experimentally determine the electrical potential of an
41907 innocent-seeming device.
41909 The common cormorant, or shag, lays eggs inside a paper bag.
41911 The computer industry is journalists in their 20's standing in awe of
41912 entrepreneurs in their 30's who are hiring salesmen in their 40's and
41913 50's and paying them in the 60's and 70's to bring their marketing into
41917 The computer is to the information industry roughly what the
41918 central power station is to the electrical industry.
41921 The computing field is always in need of new cliches.
41924 The concept seems to be clear by now. It has been
41925 defined several times by examples of what it is not.
41927 The connection between the language in which we think/program and the problems
41928 and solutions we can imagine is very close. For this reason restricting
41929 language features with the intent of eliminating programmer errors is at best
41931 -- Bjarne Stroustrup
41933 The Constitution may not be perfect, but it's a lot better
41934 than what we've got!
41936 The control of the production of wealth
41937 is the control of human life itself.
41940 The correct way to punctuate a sentence that starts: "Of course it is
41941 none of my business, but --" is to place a period after the word "but."
41942 Don't use excessive force in supplying such a moron with a period.
41943 Cutting his throat is only a momentary pleasure and is bound to get
41947 The cost of feathers has risen, even down is up!
41949 The cost of living has just gone up another dollar a quart.
41952 The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
41954 The cost of living is going up, and the chance of living is going down.
41956 The countdown had stalled at 'T' minus 69 seconds when Desiree, the first
41957 female ape to go up in space, winked at me slyly and pouted her thick,
41958 rubbery lips unmistakably -- the first of many such advances during what
41959 would prove to be the longest, and most memorable, space voyage of my
41961 -- Winning sentence, 1985 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest.
41963 The course of true anything never does run smooth.
41966 The courtroom was pregnant (pun intended) with anxious silence as the
41967 judge solemnly considered his verdict in the paternity suit before him.
41968 Suddenly, he reached into the folds of his robes, drew out a cigar and
41969 cermoniously handed it to the defendant.
41970 "Congratulations!" declaimed the jurist. "You have just become a
41973 The covers of this book are too far apart.
41974 -- Book review by Ambrose Bierce.
41976 The cow is nothing but a machine which makes grass fit for us people to eat.
41979 The Creation of the Universe was made possible by a grant from Texas
41981 -- Credits from the PBS program ``The Creation of the Universe''
41983 The Crown is full of it!
41984 -- Nate Harris, 1775
41986 The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should therefore
41987 be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could hardly be
41988 propagated. If the doctrine be admitted, rulers have only to declare war
41989 and they are screened at once from scrutiny. ... In war, then, as in peace,
41990 assert the freedom of speech and of the press. Cling to this as the bulwark
41991 of all our rights and privileges.
41992 -- William Ellery Channing
41995 The curse of the Irish is not that they don't know the
41996 words to a song -- it's that they know them *all*.
41999 The "cutting edge" is getting rather dull.
42002 The Czechs announced after Sputnik that they, too, would launch
42003 a satellite. Of course, it would orbit Sputnik, not Earth!
42005 The danger is not that a particular class is unfit to govern.
42006 Every class is unfit to govern.
42009 The dangerous Lego Bomb, which targets shag rugs and scatters pieces of
42010 plastic that hurt like hell when you step on them is banned entirely....
42011 Hiring David Copperfield to pretend to saw the missiles in half will not
42012 be permitted... In order to reduce risk of accidental war, both sides
42013 agree to ban the popular but dangerous 'Simon Says' training drill at
42014 nuclear launch sites... Under no circumstances will either side reveal
42015 that it hammered out the treaty in one afternoon, but spent the last nine
42016 years arguing the Monty Hall and the three doors problem.
42017 -- Little known provisions of the START treaty by James Lileks
42019 The day advanced as if to light some work of mine; it was morning,
42020 and lo! now it is evening, and nothing memorable is accomplished.
42023 The day will come when the mystical generation of Jesus, by the Supreme Being
42024 as his Father, in the womb of a virgin will be classified with the fable of
42025 the generation of Minerva in the brain of Jupiter. But we may hope that the
42026 dawn of reason and freedom of thought in these United States will do away with
42027 this artificial scaffolding and restore to us the primitive and genuine
42028 doctrines of this most venerated Reformer of human errors.
42029 -- Thomas Jefferson
42031 The days are all empty and the nights are unreal.
42033 The days just prior to marriage are like a snappy introduction
42036 The day-to-day travails of the IBM programmer are so amusing to most of us
42037 who are fortunate enough never to have been one -- like watching Charlie
42038 Chaplin trying to cook a shoe.
42040 The debate rages on: Is PL/I Bachtrian or Dromedary?
42042 "The deceased was killed by 1207.3557298 Volts AC RMS applied by
42043 accident when he brushed against the output terminal of a John B.
42044 Fluke Company High Voltage Calibrator."
42045 -- fictitious coroner's report by Mike Andrews
42047 The decision doesn't have to be logical; it was unanimous.
42049 The default Magic Word, "Abracadabra", actually is a corruption of the
42050 Hebrew phrase "ha-Bracha dab'ra" which means "pronounce the blessing".
42052 The degree of civilization in a society
42053 can be judged by entering its prisons.
42056 The degree of technical confidence is inversely
42057 proportional to the level of management.
42059 The denunciation of the young is a necessary part of the hygiene of older
42060 people, and greatly assists in the circulation of the blood.
42061 -- Logan Pearsall Smith
42063 The departing division general manager met a last time with his young
42064 successor and gave him three envelopes. "My predecessor did this for me,
42065 and I'll pass the tradition along to you," he said. "At the first sign
42066 of trouble, open the first envelope. Any further difficulties, open the
42067 second envelope. Then, if problems continue, open the third envelope.
42068 Good luck." The new manager returned to his office and tossed the envelopes
42070 Six months later, costs soared and earnings plummeted. Shaken, the
42071 young man opened the first envelope, which said, "Blame it all on me."
42072 The next day, he held a press conference and did just that. The
42074 Six months later, sales dropped precipitously. The beleagured
42075 manager opened the second envelope. It said, "Reorganize."
42076 He held another press conference, announcing that the division
42077 would be restructured. The crisis passed.
42078 A year later, everything went wrong at once and the manager was
42079 blamed for all of it. The harried executive closed his office door, sank
42080 into his chair, and opened the third envelope.
42081 "Prepare three envelopes..." it said.
42083 The descent to Hades is the same from every place.
42086 The devil can cite Scripture for his purpose.
42087 -- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"
42089 The devil finds work for idle circuits to do.
42091 The devil finds work for idle glands.
42094 -- Gaius Julius Caesar
42096 The difference between a career and a job is about 20 hours a week.
42098 The difference between a good haircut and a bad one is seven days.
42100 The difference between a Miracle and a Fact is
42101 exactly the difference between a mermaid and a seal.
42104 The difference between a misfortune and a calamity? If Gladstone fell into
42105 the Thames, it would be a misfortune. But if someone dragged him out again,
42106 it would be a calamity.
42107 -- Benjamin Disraeli
42109 The difference between America and England is, the English think 100
42110 miles is a long distance and the Americans think 100 years is a long time.
42112 The difference between art and science is that science is what we
42113 understand well enough to explain to a computer. Art is everything else.
42114 -- Donald Knuth, "Discover"
42116 The difference between common-sense and paranoia is that common-sense is
42117 thinking everyone is out to get you. That's normal -- they are. Paranoia
42118 is thinking that they're conspiring.
42121 The difference between dogs and cats is that dogs come when they're
42122 called. Cats take a message and get back to you.
42124 The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits.
42126 The difference between legal separation and divorce is
42127 that legal separation gives the man time to hide his money.
42129 The difference between reality and unreality
42130 is that reality has so little to recommend it.
42133 The difference between science and the fuzzy subjects is that science
42134 requires reasoning while those other subjects merely require scholarship.
42137 The difference between sentiment and being sentimental is the following:
42138 Sentiment is when a driver swerves out of the way to avoid hitting a
42139 rabbit on the road. Being sentimental is when the same driver, when
42140 swerving away from the rabbit hits a pedestrian.
42141 -- Frank Herbert, "The White Plague"
42143 The difference between sentiment and sentimentality is easy to see. When
42144 you avoid killing somebody's pet on the glazeway, that's sentiment. If you
42145 swerve to avoid the pet and that causes you to kill pedestrians, THAT is
42147 -- Frank Herbert, "Chapterhouse: Dune"
42149 The difference between the right word and the almost right word
42150 is the difference between lightning and the lightning bug.
42153 The difference between this place and yogurt
42154 is that yogurt has a live culture.
42156 The difference between us is not very far,
42157 cruising for burgers in daddy's new car.
42159 The difference between waltzes and disco is mostly one of volume.
42162 The difficult we do today; the impossible takes a little longer.
42164 The dirty work at political conventions is almost always done in
42165 the grim hours between midnight and dawn. Hangmen and politicians
42166 work best when the human spirit is at its lowest ebb.
42169 The discerning person is always at a disadvantage.
42171 The disks are getting full; purge a file today.
42173 The distinction between Freedom and Liberty is not accurately known;
42174 naturalists have been unable to find a living specimen of either.
42177 The distinction between true and false appears to become
42178 increasingly blurred by... the pollution of the language.
42181 The divinity of Jesus is made a convenient cover for absurdity. Nowhere in
42182 the Gospels do we find a precept for Creeds, Confessions, Oaths, Doctrines,
42183 and whole carloads of other foolish trumpery that we find in Christianity.
42186 The door is the key.
42188 The duck hunter trained his retriever to walk on water. Eager to show off
42189 this amazing accomplishment, he asked a friend to go along on his next
42190 hunting trip. Saying nothing, he fired his first shot and, as the duck fell,
42191 the dog walked on the surface of the water, retrieved the duck and returned
42193 "Notice anything?" the owner asked eagerly.
42194 "Yes," said his friend, "I see that fool dog of yours can't swim."
42196 The duration of passion is proportionate with the original resistance
42200 The eagle may soar, but the weasel never gets sucked into a jet engine.
42202 The early bird gets the coffee left over from the night before.
42204 The early bird who catches the worm works for someone who comes in late
42205 and owns the worm farm.
42208 The early worm gets the bird.
42210 The early worm gets the late bird.
42212 The earth is like a tiny grain of sand, only much, much heavier.
42214 "The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly
42215 teaches me to suspect that my own is also."
42217 "I would not interfere with any one's religion, either to strengthen it
42218 or to weaken it. I am not able to believe one's religion can affect his
42219 hereafter one way or the other, no matter what that religion may be.
42220 But it may easily be a great comfort to him in this life -- hence it is a
42221 valuable posession to him."
42223 "I do not see how eternal punishment hereafter could accomplish any good
42224 end, therefore I am not able to believe in it. To chasten a man in order
42225 to perfect him might be reasonable enough; to annihilate him when he shall
42226 have proved himself incapable of reaching perfection mught be reasonable
42227 enough; but to roast him forever for the mere satisfaction of seeing him
42228 roast would not be reasonable -- even the atrocious God imagined by the Jews
42229 would tire of the spectacle eventually."
42232 The egg cream is psychologically the opposite of circumcision -- it
42233 *pleasurably* reaffirms your Jewishness.
42236 The elder gods went to Yuggoth, and all you got was this lousy fortune.
42238 The Encyclopaedia Galactica defines a robot as a mechanical apparatus designed
42239 to do the work of a man. The marketing division of Sirius Cybernetics
42240 Corporation defines a robot as 'Your Plastic Pal Who's Fun To Be With'.
42241 The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy defines the marketing division of the
42242 Sirius Cybernetics Corporation as 'a bunch of mindless jerks who'll be the
42243 first against the wall when the revolution comes', with a footnote to effect
42244 that the editors would welcome applications from anyone interested in taking
42245 over the post of robotics correspondent.
42246 Curiously enough, an edition of the Encyclopaedia Galactica that
42247 had the good fortune to fall through a time warp from a thousand years in
42248 the future defined the marketing division of the Sirius Cybernetics
42249 Corporation as 'a bunch of mindless jerks who were the first against the
42250 wall when the revolution came'.
42252 The end move in politics is always to pick up a gun.
42253 -- Buckminster Fuller
42255 The end of labor is to gain leisure.
42257 The end of the world will occur at three p.m., this Friday,
42258 with symposium to follow.
42260 The ends justify the means.
42261 -- after Matthew Prior
42263 The energy produced by the breaking down of the atom is a very poor kind
42264 of thing. Anyone who expects a source of power from the transformation
42265 of these atoms is talking moonshine.
42266 -- Ernest Rutherford, after he had split the atom for
42269 The English country gentleman galloping after a fox -- the unspeakable
42270 in full pursuit of the uneatable.
42271 -- Oscar Wilde, "A Woman of No Importance"
42273 The English instinctively admire any man
42274 who has no talent and is modest about it.
42275 -- James Agate, British film and drama critic
42277 The entire work force of the Communist countries is sunjected to periodic
42278 purges (called verifications in Newspeak). One of the most severe took
42279 place in 1957 when Novotny, rattled by the Hungarian Revolution the year
42280 before, tried hard to weed out "radishes" (red outside, white inside) from
42281 all but insignificant positions. Any one of the following would often
42282 result in the loss of one's job: Bourgeois or Jewish family background,
42283 relatives abroad, contacts with former capitalists, having lived in a
42284 Western country, insufficient knowledge of Communist literature, and others.
42286 A man is interviewed by a "Verification Committee."
42287 "What kind of family do you come from?"
42288 "A rich, Jewish family."
42290 "A German aristocrat."
42291 "Have you ever been to the West?"
42292 "I spent most of my life in England."
42293 "How did you make a living there?"
42294 "A friend supported me."
42295 "Where did you get the money from?"
42296 "He owned a textile factory."
42298 "Never heard of him."
42299 "What is your name?"
42302 [The ERA] encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children,
42303 practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become lesbians.
42304 -- Pat Robertson, Man of God and serious Republican
42305 presidential aspirant.
42307 The error of youth is to believe that intelligence is a substitute
42308 for experience, while the error of age is to believe experience is
42309 a substitute for intelligence.
42312 The eternal feminine draws us upward.
42315 The executioner is, I hear, very expert, and my neck is very slender.
42318 The explanation requiring the fewest assumptions
42319 is the most likely to be correct.
42320 -- William of Occam
42322 The eye is a menace to clear sight, the ear is a menace to subtle hearing,
42323 the mind is a menace to wisdom, every organ of the senses is a menace to its
42324 own capacity. ... Fuss, the god of the Southern Ocean, and Fret, the god
42325 of the Northern Ocean, happened once to meet in the realm of Chaos, the god
42326 of the center. Chaos treated them very handsomely and they discussed together
42327 what they could do to repay his kindness. They had noticed that, whereas
42328 everyone else had seven apertures, for sight, hearing, eating, breathing and
42329 so on, Chaos had none. So they decided to make the experiment of boring holes
42330 in him. Every day they bored a hole, and on the seventh day, Chaos died.
42333 The eyes of taxes are upon you.
42335 The eyes of Texas are upon you,
42336 All the livelong day;
42337 The eyes of Texas are upon you,
42338 You cannot get away;
42339 Do not think you can escape them
42340 From night 'til early in the morn;
42341 The eyes of Texas are upon you
42342 'Til Gabriel blows his horn.
42343 -- University of Texas' school song
42345 The fact that an opinion has been widely held is no evidence that it is not
42346 utterly absurd; indeed, in view of the silliness of the majority of mankind,
42347 a widespread belief is more often likely to be foolish than sensible.
42348 -- Bertrand Russell, in "Marriage and Morals", 1929
42350 The fact that hitler was a politcal genius unmasks the nature of politics
42351 in general as no other can.
42354 The fact that it works is immaterial.
42357 The fact that people are poor or discriminated against doesn't necessarily
42358 endow them with any special qualities of justice, nobility, charity or
42362 The famous politician was trying to save both his faces.
42364 The farther you go, the less you know.
42365 -- Lao Tsu, "Tao Te Ching"
42367 The fashion wears out more apparel than the man.
42368 -- William Shakespeare, "Much Ado About Nothing"
42370 The fashionable drawing rooms of London have always been happy to accept
42371 outsiders -- if only on their own, albeit undemanding terms. That is to
42372 say, artists, so long as they are not too talented, men of humble birth,
42373 so long as they have since amassed several million pounds, and socialists
42374 so long as they are Tories.
42375 -- Christopher Booker
42377 The faster I go, the behinder I get.
42380 The Fastest Defeat In Chess
42381 The big name for us in the world of chess is Gibaud, a French chess
42383 In Paris during 1924 he was beaten after only four moves by a
42384 Monsieur Lazard. Happily for posterity, the moves are recorded and so
42385 chess enthusiasts may reconstruct this magnificent collapse in the comfort
42386 of their own homes.
42387 Lazard was black and Gibaud white:
42392 White then resigns on realizing that a fifth move would involve
42393 either a Q-KR5 check or the loss of his queen.
42394 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
42396 The father, passing through his son's college town late one evening on a
42397 business trip, thought he would pay his boy a suprise visit. Arriving at the
42398 lad's fraternity house, dad rapped loudly on the door. After several minutes
42399 of knocking, a sleepy voice drifted down from a second-floor window,
42401 "Does Ramsey Duncan live here?" asked the father.
42402 "Yeah," replied the voice. "Dump him on the front porch."
42404 The feeling persists that no one can simultaneously be a respectable writer
42405 and understand how a refrigerator works, just as no gentleman wears a brown
42406 suit in the city. Colleges may be to blame. English majors are encouraged,
42407 I know, to hate chemistry and physics, and to be proud because they are not
42408 dull and creepy and humorless and war-oriented like the engineers across the
42409 quad. And our most impressive critics have commonly been such English majors,
42410 and they are squeamish about technology to this very day. So it is natural
42411 for them to despise science fiction.
42412 -- Kurt Vonnegut Jr., "Science Fiction"
42414 The fellow sat down at a bar, ordered a drink and asked the bartender if he
42415 wanted to hear a dumb-jock joke.
42416 "Hey, buddy," the bartender replied, "you see those two guys next to
42417 you? They used to be with the Chicago Bears. The two dudes behind you made
42418 the U.S. Olympic wrestling team. And for you information, I used to play
42419 center at Notre Dame."
42420 "Forget it," the customer said. "I don't want to explain it five
42423 "The feminist agenda," Pat Robertson observed in a recent letter to his
42424 supporters, "is not about equal rights for women. It is about a socialist,
42425 anti-family political movement that encourages women to leave their
42426 husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism
42427 and become lesbians."
42429 The Feynman Problem-Solving Algorithm:
42430 (1) write down the problem.
42431 (2) think very hard.
42432 (3) write down the answer.
42433 -- Murray Gell-Mann
42436 You have taken yourself too seriously.
42438 The final delusion is the belief that one has lost all delusions.
42439 -- Maurice Chapelain, "Main courante"
42441 The finest eloquence is that which gets things done.
42443 The first 90% of a project takes 90% of the time,
42444 the last 10% takes the other 90% of the time.
42446 The first and almost the only Book deserving of universal attention is
42448 -- John Quincy Adams
42450 All the good from the Saviour of the world is communicated through this Book;
42451 but for the Book we could not know right from wrong. All the things desirable
42452 to man are contained in it.
42455 ... the Bible ... is the one supreme source of revelation of the meaning of
42456 life, the nature of God and spirtual nature and need of men. It is the only
42457 guide of life which really leads the spirit in the way of peace and salvation.
42460 The first duty of a revolutionary is to get away with it.
42463 The first Great Steward, Parrafin the Climber, was employed in King
42464 Chloroplast's kitchen as second scullery boy when the old King met a tragic
42465 death. He apparently fell backward by accident on a dozen salad forks.
42466 Simultaneously the true heir, his son Carotene, mysteriously fled the city,
42467 complaining of some sort of plot and a lot of threatening notes left on his
42468 breakfast tray. At the time, this looked suspicious what with his father's
42469 death, and Carotene was suspected of foul play. Then the rest of the King's
42470 relatives began to drop dead one after the other in an odd fashion. Some
42471 were found strangled with dishrags and some succumbed to food poisoning. A
42472 few were found drowned in the soup vats, and one was attacked by assailants
42473 unknown and beaten to death with a pot roast. At least three appear to have
42474 thrown themselves backward on salad forks, perhaps in a noble gesture of
42475 grief over the King's untimely end. Finally there was no one left in Minas
42476 Troney who was either eligible or willing to wear the accursed crown, and
42477 the rule of Twodor was up for grabs. The scullery slave Parrafin bravely
42478 accepted the Stewardship of Twodor until that day when a lineal descendant
42479 of Carotene's returns to reclaim his rightful throne, conquer Twodor's
42480 enemies, and revamp the postal system.
42481 -- Bored of the Rings, "Harvard Lampoon"
42483 The first guy that rats gets a bellyful of slugs in the head. Understand?
42484 -- Joey Glimco, trade unionist
42486 The first guy that rats gets a belly-full of slugs in the head.
42490 The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents and the second half
42494 The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents,
42495 and the second half by our children.
42498 The first marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence,
42499 and the second the triumph of hope over experience.
42501 The first myth of management is that it exists.
42503 The first requisite for immortality is death.
42506 The first riddle I ever heard, one familiar to almost every Jewish child,
42507 was propounded to me by my father:
42509 "What is it that hangs on the wall, is green, wet -- and whistles?"
42510 I knit my brow and thought and thought, and in final perplexity gave up.
42511 "A herring," said my father.
42512 "A herring," I echoed. "A herring doesn't hang on the wall!"
42513 "So hang it there."
42514 "But a herring isn't green!" I protested.
42516 "But a herring isn't wet."
42517 "If it's just painted it's still wet."
42518 "But -- " I sputtered, summoning all my outrage,
42519 "a herring doesn't whistle!!"
42520 "Right, " smiled my father. "I just put that in to make it hard."
42523 The first Rotarian was the first man to call John the Baptist "Jack."
42526 The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts.
42529 The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts.
42532 The First Rule of Program Optimization:
42535 The Second Rule of Program Optimization (for experts only!):
42539 The first thing I do in the morning
42540 is brush my teeth and sharpen my tongue.
42543 The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers.
42544 -- Wm. Shakespeare, "Henry VI", Part IV
42546 The first version always gets thrown away.
42548 The five rules of Socialism:
42551 2. If you do think, don't speak.
42552 3. If you think and speak, don't write.
42553 4. If you think, speak and write, don't sign.
42554 5. If you think, speak, write and sign, don't be surprised.
42556 -- being told in Poland, 1987
42558 ...the flaw that makes perfection perfect.
42560 The flow chart is a most thoroughly oversold piece of program documentation.
42561 -- Frederick Brooks, "The Mythical Man Month"
42563 The flush toilet is the basis of Western civilization.
42566 The following statement is not true.
42567 The previous statement is true.
42569 The Following Subsume All Physical and Human Laws:
42571 1. You can't push on a string.
42572 2. Ain't no free lunches.
42573 3. Them as has, gets.
42574 4. You can't win them all, but you sure as hell can lose them all.
42576 The Force is what holds everything together.
42577 It has its dark side, and it has its light side.
42578 It's sort of like cosmic duct tape.
42580 The [Ford Foundation] is a large body of money
42581 completely surrounded by people who want some.
42582 -- Dwight MacDonald
42584 The forest is safe because a lion lives therein and the lion is safe
42585 because it lives in a forest. Likewise the friendship of persons
42586 rests on mutual help.
42589 The fortune program is supported, in part, by user contributions
42590 and by a major grant from the National Endowment for the Inanities.
42592 The founding fathers tried to set up a judicial system where the accused
42593 received a fair trial, not a system to insure an acquittal on technicalities.
42595 The founding fathers tried to set up a system where a man got a fair
42596 trial, not a system to get let him get off on technicalities.
42598 The fountain code has been tightened slightly so you can no longer dip
42599 objects into a fountain or drink from one while you are floating in mid-air
42601 Teleporting to hell via a teleportation trap will no longer occur
42602 if the character does not have fire resistance.
42603 -- README file from the NetHack game
42605 [The French Riviera is] a sunny place for shady people.
42606 -- Somerset Maugham
42608 The full impact of parenthood doesn't hit you until you multiply the
42609 number of your kids by thirty-two teeth.
42611 The full potentialities of human fury cannot be reached until a friend
42612 of both parties tactfully interferes.
42615 The function of the expert is not to be more right than other people,
42616 but to be wrong for more sophisticated reasons.
42617 -- Dr. David Butler, British psephologist
42619 The future is a myth created by insurance
42620 salesmen and high school counselors.
42622 The future is a race between education and catastrophe.
42625 The future isn't what it used to be. (It never was.)
42627 The future lies ahead.
42629 The future not being born, my friend,
42630 we will abstain from baptizing it.
42633 The garden is in mourning;
42634 The rain falls cool among the flowers.
42635 Summer shivers quietly
42636 On its way towards its end.
42638 Golden leaf after leaf
42639 Falls from the tall acacia.
42640 Summer smiles, astonished, feeble,
42641 In this dying dream of a garden.
42643 For a long while, yet, in the roses,
42644 She will linger on, yearning for peace,
42646 Close her weary eyes.
42647 -- Hermann Hesse, "September"
42649 The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.
42651 The genius of our ruling class is that it has kept a majority of the
42652 people from ever questioning the inequity of a system where most people
42653 drudge along paying heavy taxes for which they get nothing in return.
42656 The gent who wakes up and finds himself a success hasn't been asleep.
42658 The gentlemen looked one another over with microscopic carelessness.
42660 The girl who remembers her first kiss now has a daughter who can't even
42661 remember her first husband.
42663 The girl who stoops to conquer usually wears a low-cut dress.
42665 The girl who swears no one has ever made love to her has a right to swear.
42668 The glances over cocktails
42669 That seemed to be so sweet
42670 Don't seem quite so amorous
42671 Over Shredded Wheat
42673 The goal of Computer Science is to build something
42674 that will at least last until we've finished building it.
42676 The goal of science is to build better mousetraps.
42677 The goal of nature is to build better mice.
42679 The gods gave man fire and he invented fire engines.
42680 They gave him love and he invented marriage.
42682 The Golden Rule is of no use to you whatever unless you realize it
42686 The Golden Rule of Arts and Sciences:
42687 He who has the gold makes the rules.
42689 The good die young -- because they see it's no use living if you've got
42693 The good (I am convinced, for one)
42694 Is but the bad one leaves undone.
42695 Once your reputation's done
42696 You can live a life of fun.
42699 The good life was so elusive
42700 It really got me down
42701 I had to regain some confidence
42702 So I got into camaflouge
42704 The good time is approaching,
42705 The season is at hand.
42706 When the merry click of the two-base lick
42707 Will be heard throughout the land.
42708 The frost still lingers on the earth, and
42709 Budless are the trees.
42710 But the merry ring of the voice of spring
42711 Is borne upon the breeze.
42712 -- Ode to Opening Day, "The Sporting News", 1886
42715 If a string has one end, it has another.
42717 The government has just completed work on a missile that turned out
42718 to be a bit of a boondoggle; nicknamed "Civil Servant", it won't work
42719 and they can't fire it.
42721 The Government just announced today the creation of the Neutron Bomb II.
42722 Similar to the Neutron Bomb, the Neutron Bomb II not only kills people
42723 and leaves buildings standing, but also does a little light housekeeping.
42725 The government of the United States is not in any sense founded on the
42727 -- George Washington
42729 The government was contemplating the dispatch of an expedition to Burma,
42730 with a view to taking Rangoon, and a question arose as to who would be the
42731 fittest general to be sent in command of the expedition. The Cabinet sent
42732 for the Duke of Wellington, and asked his advice. He instantly replied,
42733 "Send Lord Combermere."
42734 "But we have always understood that your Grace thought Lord
42735 Combermere a fool."
42736 "So he is a fool, and a damned fool; but he can take Rangoon."
42739 The goys have proven the following theorem...
42740 -- Physicist John von Neumann, at the start of a classroom
42743 The grass is always greener on the other side of your sunglasses.
42745 The grave's a fine and private place,
42746 but none, I think, do there embrace.
42749 The graveyards are full of indispensable men.
42750 -- Charles de Gaulle
42752 The great merit of society is to make one appreciate solitude.
42753 -- Charles Chincholles, "Reflections on the Art of Life"
42755 The Great Movie Posters:
42757 *A Giggle Gurgling Gulp of Glee*
42758 With Pretty Girls, Peppy Scenes, and Gorgeous Revues -- plus a good story.
42759 -- Tea with a Kick (1924)
42761 Whoopie! Let's go!... Hand-picked Beauties doing cute tricks!
42762 GET IN THE KNOW FOR THE HEY-HEY WHOOPIE!
42763 -- The Wild Party (1929)
42765 YOU HEAR HIM MAKE LOVE!
42766 DIX -- the dashing soldier!
42767 DIX -- the bold adventurer!
42768 DIX -- the throbbing lover!
42769 -- The Wheel of Life (1929)
42771 SEE CHARLES BUTTERWORTH DRIVE A STREETCAR AND SING LOVE
42772 SONGS TO HIS MARE "MITZIE"!
42773 -- The Night is Young (1934)
42775 The Great Movie Posters:
42777 A mis-spawned murderous abomination from the nether reaches of an
42779 -- The Killer of Castle Brood (1967)
42781 NEW -- SICKENING HORROR to make your STOMACH TURN and FLESH CRAWL!
42782 -- Frankenstein's Bloody Terror (1968)
42784 LUST-MAD MEN AND LAWLESS WOMEN IN A VICIOUS AND SENTUOUS ORGY OF
42786 -- Five Bloody Graves (1969)
42788 The family that slays together stays together.
42789 -- Bloody Mama (1970)
42791 The Great Movie Posters:
42793 An AVALANCHE of KILLER WORMS!
42796 Most Movies Live Less Than Two Hours.
42797 This Is One of Everlasting Torment!
42798 -- The New House on the Left (1977)
42800 WE ARE GOING TO EAT YOU!
42803 It's not human and it's got an axe.
42806 The Great Movie Posters:
42808 Different! Daring! Dynamic! Defying! Dumbfounding!
42809 SEE Uncle Tom lead the Negroes to FREEDOM!
42810 ... Now, all the SENSUAL and VIOLENT passions Roots couldn't show on TV!
42811 -- Uncle Tom's Cabin (1972)
42813 An appalling amalgam of carnage and carnality!
42814 -- Flesh and Blood Show (1973)
42816 WHEN THE CATS ARE HUNGRY...
42817 RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!
42818 Alone, only a harmless pet...
42819 One Thousand Strong, They Become a Man-Eating Machine!
42820 -- The Night of a Thousand Cats (1972)
42822 They're Over-Exposed
42823 But Not Under-Developed!
42824 -- Cover Girl Models (1976)
42826 The Great Movie Posters:
42828 HOODLUMS FROM ANOTHER WORLD ON A RAY-GUN RAMPAGE!
42829 -- Teenagers from Outher Space (1959)
42831 Which will be Her Mate... MAN OR BEAST?
42832 Meet Velda -- the Kind of Woman -- Man or Gorilla would kill... to Keep.
42833 -- Untamed Mistress (1960)
42835 NOW AN ALL-MIGHTY ALL-NEW MOTION PICTURE BRINGS THEM TOGETHER FOR THE
42836 FIRST TIME... HISTORY'S MOST GIGANTIC MONSTERS IN COMBAT ATOP MOUNT FUJI!
42837 -- King Kong vs. Godzilla (1963)
42839 The Great Movie Posters:
42841 HOT STEEL BETWEEN THEIR LEGS!
42842 -- The Cycle Savages (1969)
42844 The Hand that Rocks the Cradle... Has no Flesh on It!
42846 -- Who Slew Auntie Roo? (1971)
42848 TWO GREAT BLOOD HORRORS TO RIP OUT YOUR GUTS!
42849 -- I Eat Your Skin & I Drink Your Blood (1971 double-bill)
42851 They Went In People and Came Out Hamburger!
42852 -- The Corpse Grinders (1971)
42854 The Great Movie Posters:
42856 KATHERINE HEPBURN as the lying, stealing, singing, preying witch girl
42857 of the Ozarks... "Low down white trash"? Maybe so -- but let her hear
42858 you say it and she'll break your head to prove herself a lady!
42861 Do Native Women Live With Apes?
42862 -- Love Life of a Gorilla (1937)
42865 When she looked into his eyes, felt his arms around her -- she
42866 was no longer Tura, mysterious white goddess of the jungle tribes --
42867 she was no longer the frozen-harted high priestess under whose hypnotic
42868 spell the worshippers of the great crocodile god meekly bowed -- she
42869 was a girl in love!
42870 SEE the ravening charge of the hundred scared CROCODILES!
42871 -- Her Jungle Love (1938)
42873 LOVE! HATE! JOY! FEAR! TORMENT! PANIC! SHAME! RAGE!
42874 -- Intermezzo (1939)
42876 The Great Movie Posters:
42878 POWERFUL! SHOCKING! RAW! ROUGH! CHALLENGING! SEE A LITTLE GIRL MOLESTED!
42879 -- Never Take Candy from a Stranger (1963)
42881 She Sins in Mobile --
42882 Marries in Houston --
42883 Loses Her Baby in Dallas --
42884 Leaves Her Husband in Tuscon --
42885 MEETS HARRU IN SAN DIEGO!...
42888 NOW -- McCLANAHAN!!!
42889 -- The Rotton Apple (1963), Rue McClanahan
42891 *NOT FOR SISSIES! DON'T COME IF YOU'RE CHICKEN!
42892 A Horrifying Movie of Wierd Beauties and Shocking Monsters...
42893 1001 WIERDEST SCENES EVER!! MOST SHOCKING THRILLER OF THE CENTURY!
42894 -- Teenage Psycho meets Bloody Mary (1964) (Alternate Title:
42895 The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and
42896 Became Mixed Up Zombies)
42898 The Great Movie Posters:
42900 SCENES THAT WILL STAGGER YOUR SIGHT!
42901 -- DANCING CALLED GO-GO
42902 -- MUSIC CALLED JU-JU
42903 -- NARCOTICS CALLED BANGI!
42904 -- FIRES OF PUBERTY!
42905 SEE the burning of a virgin!
42906 SEE power of witch doctor over women!
42907 SEE pygmies with fantastic Physical Endowments!!!
42910 The Big Comedy of Nineteen-Sexty-Sex!
42911 -- Boeing-Boeing (1965)
42913 AN ASTRONAUT WENT UP-
42914 A "GUESS WHAT" CAME DOWN!
42915 The picture that comes complete with a 10-foot tall monster to
42916 give you the wim-wams!
42917 -- Monster a Go-Go (1965)
42919 The Great Movie Posters:
42921 SEE rebel guerrillas torn apart by trucks!
42922 SEE corpses cut to pieces and fed to dogs and vultures!
42923 SEE the monkey trained to perform nursing duties for her paralyzed owner!
42924 -- Sweet and Savage (1983)
42926 What a Guy! What a Gal! What a Pair!
42927 -- Stroker Ace (1983)
42929 It's always better when you come again!
42930 -- Porky's II: The Next Day (1983)
42932 You Don't Have to Go to Texas for a Chainsaw Massacre!
42935 The Great Movie Posters:
42937 SHE TOOK ON A WHOLE GANG! A howling hellcat humping a hot steel hog
42938 on a roaring rampage of revenge!
42939 -- Bury Me an Angel (1972)
42941 WHAT'S THE SECRET INGREDIENT USED BY THE MAD BUTCHER FOR HIS SUPERB
42943 -- Meat is Meat (1972)
42946 TOMORROW the World!
42949 The Great Movie Posters:
42951 She's got the biggest six-shooters in the West!
42952 -- The Beautiful Blonde from Bashful Bend (1949)
42959 1 YEAR TO MAKE THIS FILM --
42960 24 YEARS TO REHEARSE --
42961 20 YEARS TO DISTRIBUTE!
42962 BEAUTIFUL BEYOND WORDS!
42963 AWE-INSPIRING! VITAL!
42964 THE PRINCE OF PEACE PROVIDES THE ANSWER TO EVERY PROBLEM!
42965 Be Brave-bring your troubles and your family to:
42966 HISTORY'S MOST SUBLIME EVENT! YOU'LL FIND GOD RIGHT IN THERE!
42967 -- The Prince of Peace (1948). Starring members of the
42968 Wichita Mountain Pageant featuring Millard Coody as Jesus.
42970 The Great Movie Posters:
42972 The Miracle of the Age!!! A LION in your lap! A LOVER in your arms!
42973 -- Bwana Devil (1952)
42975 OVERWHELMING! ELECTRIFYING! BAFFLING!
42976 Fire Can't Burn Them! Bullets Can't Kill Them! See the Unfolding of
42977 the Mysteries of the Moon as Murderous Robot Monsters Descend Upon the
42978 Earth! You've Never Seen Anything Like It! Neither Has the World!
42979 SEE... Robots from Space in All Their Glory!!!
42980 -- Robot Monster (1953)
42982 1,965 pyramids, 5,337 dancing girls, one million swaying bullrushes,
42984 -- The Egyptian (1954)
42986 The Great Movie Posters:
42988 The nightmare terror of the slithering eye that unleashed agonizing
42989 horror on a screaming world!
42990 -- The Crawling Eye (1958)
42992 SEE a female colossus... her mountainous torso, scyscraper limbs,
42994 -- Attack of the Fifty-Foot Woman (1958)
42996 Here Is Your Chance To Know More About Sex.
42997 What Should a Movie Do? Hide It's Head in the Sand Like an Ostrich?
42998 Or Face the JOLTING TRUTH as does...
42999 -- The Desperate Women (1958)
43001 The Great Movie Posters:
43003 They hungered for her treasure! And died for her pleasure!
43004 SEE Man-Fish Battle Shark-Man-Killer!
43005 -- The Golden Mistress (1954)
43007 See Jane Russell in 3-D; She'll Knock Both Your Eyes Out!
43008 -- The French Line (1954)
43010 See Jane Russell Shake Her Tamborines... and Drive Cornel WILDE!
43011 -- Hot Blood (1956)
43013 The Great Movie Posters:
43015 When You're Six Tons -- And They Call You Killer -- It's Hard To Make
43017 -- Namu, the Killer Whale (1966)
43019 Meet the Girls with the Thermo-Nuclear Navels!
43020 -- Dr. Goldfoot and the Girl Bombs (1966)
43022 A GHASTLY TALE DRENCHED WITH GOUTS OF BLOOD SPURTING FROM THE VICTIMS
43023 OF A CRAZED MADMAN'S LUST.
43024 -- A Taste of Blood (1967)
43026 The great nations have always acted like gangsters and the small nations
43030 The great question that has never been answered and which I have not
43031 yet been able to answer despite my thirty years of research into the
43032 feminine soul is: WHAT DOES A WOMAN WANT?
43035 The great secret in life ... [is] not to open your letters for a fortnight.
43036 At the expiration of that period you will find that nearly all of them have
43037 answered themselves.
43040 The greatest disloyalty one can offer to great pioneers
43041 is to refuse to move an inch from where they stood.
43043 The greatest griefs are those we cause ourselves.
43046 The greatest joy a man can know is to conquer his enemies and drive them
43047 before him. To ride their horses and take away their possessions. To see
43048 the faces of those who were dear to them bedewed with tears, and to clasp
43049 their wives and daughters to his arms.
43052 The greatest love is a mother's, then a dog's, then a sweetheart's.
43055 The Greatest Mathematical Error
43056 The Mariner I space probe was launched from Cape Canaveral on 28
43057 July 1962 towards Venus. After 13 minutes' flight a booster engine would
43058 give acceleration up to 25,820 mph; after 44 minutes 9,800 solar cells
43059 would unfold; after 80 days a computer would calculate the final course
43060 corrections and after 100 days the craft would cirlce the unknown planet,
43061 scanning the mysterious cloud in which it is bathed.
43062 However, with an efficiency that is truly heartening, Mariner I
43063 plunged into the Atlantic Ocean only four minutes after takeoff.
43064 Inquiries later revealed that a minus sign had been omitted from
43065 the instructions fed into the computer. "It was human error", a launch
43067 This minus sign cost L4,280,000.
43068 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
43070 The greatest of faults is to be conscious of none.
43072 The greatest productive force is human selfishness.
43075 The greatest remedy for anger is delay.
43077 The groundhog is like most other prophets;
43078 it delivers its message and then disappears.
43080 The happiest time in any man's life is just after the first divorce.
43083 The happiest time of a person's life is after his first divorce.
43086 The hardest part of climbing the ladder of
43087 success is getting through the crowd at the bottom.
43089 The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax.
43092 The hardest thing is to disguise your feelings when
43093 you put a lot of relatives on the train for home.
43095 The hater of property and of government takes care to have his warranty
43096 deed recorded, and the book written against fame and learning has the
43097 author's name on the title page.
43098 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson, Journals, 1831
43100 The hatred of relatives is the most violent.
43101 -- Tacitus (c.55 - c.117)
43103 The health of a democratic society may be measured by the quality
43104 of functions performed by private citizens.
43105 -- Alexis de Tocqueville
43107 The hearing ear is always found close to the speaking tongue, a custom
43108 whereof the memory of man runneth not howsomever to the contrary, nohow.
43110 The heart has its reasons which reason knows nothing of.
43113 The heart is wiser than the intellect.
43115 ...the heat come 'round and busted me for smiling on a cloudy day.
43117 The heaviest object in the world is the
43118 body of the woman you have ceased to love.
43119 -- Marquis de Lac de Clapiers Vauvenargues
43121 The Heineken Uncertainty Principle:
43122 You can never be sure how many beers you had last night.
43124 "The hell with the prime directive! Let's kill something!"
43126 The help people need most urgently is
43127 help in admitting that they need help.
43129 The herd instinct among economists
43130 makes sheep look like independent thinkers.
43132 The heroic hours of life do not announce their presence by drum and trumpet,
43133 challenging us to be true to ourselves by appeals to the martial spirit that
43134 keeps the blood at heat. Some little, unassuming, unobtrusive choice presents
43135 itself before us slyly and craftily, glib and insinuating, in the modest garb
43136 of innocence. To yield to its blandishments is so easy. The wrong, it seems,
43137 is venial... Then it is that you will be summoned to show the courage of
43139 -- Benjamin Cardozo
43141 The higher you climb, the more you show your ass.
43142 -- Alexander Pope, "The Dunciad"
43144 The History of every major Galactic Civilization tends to pass through
43145 three distinct and recognizable phases, those of Survival, Inquiry, and
43146 Sophistication, otherwise known as the How, Why, and Where phases. For
43147 instance, the first phase is characterized by the question "How can we
43148 eat?" the second by "Why do we eat?" and the third by "Where shall we
43150 -- Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
43152 The history of warfare is similarly subdivided, although here the phases
43153 are Retribution, Anticipation, and Diplomacy. Thus:
43156 I'm going to kill you because you killed my brother.
43158 I'm going to kill you because I killed your brother.
43160 I'm going to kill my brother and then kill you on the
43161 pretext that your brother did it.
43163 The Hollywood tradition I like best is called "sucking up to the stars."
43166 The honeymoon is not actually over until we cease
43167 to stifle our sighs and begin to stifle our yawns.
43170 The honeymoon is over when he phones to say he'll be late for supper and
43171 she's already left a note that it's in the refrigerator.
43174 The horror... the horror!
43176 The human animal differs from the lesser
43177 primates in his passion for lists of "Ten Best".
43180 The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment
43181 you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.
43182 -- Sir George Jessel
43184 The human mind ordinarily operates at only ten percent of
43185 its capacity -- the rest is overhead for the operating system.
43187 The human mind treats a new idea the way the
43188 body treats a strange protein: it rejects it.
43191 The human race has been fascinated by sharks for as long as I can remember.
43192 Just like the bluebird feeding its young, or the spider struggling to weave
43193 its perfect web, or the buttercup blooming in spring, the shark reveals to
43194 us yet another of the infinite and wonderful facets of nature, namely the
43195 facet that it can bite your head off. This causes us humans to feel a
43196 certain degree of awe.
43197 -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV"
43199 The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter.
43202 The human race never solves any of its problems. It merely outlives them.
43205 The husband who doesn't tell his wife everything probably reasons
43206 that what she doesn't know won't hurt him.
43209 The IBM 2250 is impressive ...
43210 if you compare it with a system selling for a tenth its price.
43213 The IBM purchase of ROLM gives new meaning to the term "twisted pair".
43214 -- Howard Anderson, "Yankee Group"
43216 The idea that an arbitrary naive human should be able to properly use a given
43217 tool without training or understanding is even more wrong for computing than
43218 it is for other tools (e.g. automobiles, airplanes, guns, power saws).
43221 The ideal voice for radio may be defined as showing no substance,
43222 no sex, no owner, and a message of importance for every housewife.
43225 The ideas of economists and political philosophers, both when they
43226 are right and when they are wrong, are more powerful than is generally
43227 understood. Indeed, the world is ruled by little else.
43228 -- John Maynard Keyes
43230 The idle man does not know what it is to enjoy rest.
43232 The idle mind knows not what it is it wants.
43235 The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a little longer.
43238 The Illiterati Programus Canto 1:
43239 A program is a lot like a nose:
43240 Sometimes it runs, and sometimes it blows.
43242 The important thing is not to stop questioning.
43244 The important thing to remember about walking on eggs is not to hop.
43246 The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than
43248 -- The Best of Will Rogers
43250 The individual choice of garnishment of a burger can be an important
43251 point to the consumer in this day when individualism is an increasingly
43252 important thing to people.
43253 -- Donald N. Smith, president of Burger King
43255 The infliction of cruelty with a good conscience is
43256 a delight to moralists. That is why they invented hell.
43257 -- Bertrand Russell
43259 The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of blessings;
43260 the inherent virtue of socialism is the equal sharing of misery.
43263 The instruments of science do not in themselves discover truth. And
43264 there are searchings that are not concluded by the coincidence of a
43265 pointer and a mark.
43266 -- Fred Saberhagen, "The Berserker Wars"
43268 The introduction of a new kind of music must be shunned as imperiling
43269 the whole state, for styles of music are never disturbed without
43270 affecting the most important political institutions. ... The new
43271 style, gradually gaining a lodgement, quitely insinuates itself into
43272 manners and customs, and from it ... goes on to attack laws and
43273 constitutions, displaying the utmost impudence, until it ends by
43274 overturning everything.
43275 -- Plato, "Republic", 370 B.C.
43277 The IQ of the group is the lowest IQ of a member of
43278 the group divided by the number of people in the group.
43280 The Israelis are the Doberman pinschers of the Middle East. They
43281 treat the Arabs like postmen.
43284 The Israelites were all waiting anxiously at the foot of the mountain,
43285 knowing that Moses had had a tough day negotiating with God over the
43286 Commandments. Finally a tired Moses came into sight.
43287 "I've got some good news and some bad news, folks," he said. "The
43288 good news is that I got Him down to ten. The bad news is that adultery's
43291 "The jig's up, Elman."
43295 The Junior God now heads the roll
43296 In the list of heaven's peers;
43297 He sits in the House of High Control,
43298 And he regulates the spheres.
43299 Yet does he wonder, do you suppose,
43300 If, even in gods divine,
43301 The best and wisest may not be those
43302 Who have wallowed awhile with the swine?
43305 The justifications for drug testing are part of the presently fashionable
43306 debate concerning restoring America's "competitiveness." Drugs, it has been
43307 revealed, are responsible for rampant absenteeism, reduced output, and poor
43308 quality work. But is drug testing in fact rationally related to the
43309 resurrection of competitiveness? Will charging the atmosphere of the
43310 workplace with the fear of excretory betrayal honestly spur productivity?
43311 Much noise has been made about rehabilitating the worker using drugs, but
43312 to date the vast majority of programs end with the simple firing or the not
43313 hiring of the abuser. This practice may exacerbate, not alleviate, the
43314 nation's productivity problem. If economic rehabilitation is the ultimate
43315 goal of drug testing, then criteria abandoning the rehabilitation of the
43316 drug-using worker is the purest of hypocrisy and the worst of rationalization.
43317 -- The concluding paragraph of "Constitutional Law: The
43318 Fourth Amendment and Drug Testing in the Workplace,"
43319 Tim Moore, Harvard Journal of Law & Public Policy, vol.
43320 10, No. 3 (Summer 1987), pp. 762-768.
43322 The Kennedy Constant:
43323 Don't get mad -- get even.
43325 The key elements in human thinking are not numbers but labels of fuzzy sets.
43328 The key to building a superstar is to keep their mouth shut. To reveal
43329 an artist to the people can be to destroy him. It isn't to anyone's
43330 advantage to see the truth.
43331 -- Bob Ezrin, rock music producer
43333 The Killer Ducks are coming!!!
43335 The kind of danger people most enjoy is
43336 the kind they can watch from a safe place.
43338 The King and his advisor are overlooking the battle field:
43340 King: "How goes the battle plan?"
43341 Advisor: "See those little black specks running to the right?"
43343 A: "Those are their guys. And all those little red specks running
43344 to the left are our guys. Then when they collide we wait till
43347 A: "If there are more red specks left than black specks, we win."
43348 K: "But what about the
43349 ^#!!$% battle plan?"
43350 A: "So far, it seems to be going according to specks."
43352 The knowledge that makes us cherish
43353 innocence makes innocence unattainable.
43356 The Kosher Dill was invented in 1723 by Joe Kosher and Sam Dill. It is
43357 the single most popular pickle variety today, enjoyed throughout the free
43358 world by man, woman and child alike. An astounding 350 billion kosher
43359 dills are eaten each year, averaging out to almost 1/4 pickle per person
43360 per day. New York Times food critic Mimi Sheraton says "The kosher dill
43361 really changed my life. I used to enjoy eating McDonald's hamburgers and
43362 drinking Iron City Lite, and then I encountered the kosher dill pickle.
43363 I realized that there was far more to haute cuisine then I'd ever imagined.
43364 And now, just look at me."
43366 The ladies men admire, I've heard,
43367 Would shudder at a wicked word.
43368 Their candle gives a single light;
43369 They'd rather stay at home at night.
43370 They do not keep awake till three,
43371 Nor read erotic poetry.
43372 They never sanction the impure,
43373 Nor recognize an overture.
43374 They shrink from powders and from paints...
43375 So far, I've had no complaints.
43378 The language of politics is poetry, not prose. Jackson is poetry.
43379 Cuomo is poetry. Dukakis is a word processor.
43380 -- Richard M. Nixon, on Meet the Press, April, 1988
43382 The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for
43383 everything that goes wrong -- until the next person quits or is fired.
43385 The last person that quit or was fired will be the held responsible
43386 for everything that goes wrong -- until the next person quits or is
43389 The last person who said that (God rest his soul) lived to regret it.
43391 The last thing one knows in constructing a work is what to put first.
43394 The last time I saw him he was walking down Lover's Lane holding his own
43398 The last time somebody said, "I find I can write much better with a word
43399 processor.", I replied, "They used to say the same thing about drugs."
43402 The last vestiges of the old Republic have been swept away.
43405 The Law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich, as well as the poor,
43406 to sleep under the bridges, to beg in the streets, and to steal bread.
43409 The Law of Probable Dispersal:
43410 That which hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
43412 The Law of the Letter:
43413 The best way to inspire fresh thoughts is to seal the envelope.
43415 The Law of the Perversity of Nature:
43416 You cannot determine beforehand which side of the bread to butter.
43418 The lawgiver, of all beings, most owes the law allegiance. He of all men
43419 should behave as though the law compelled him. But it is the universal
43420 weakness of mankind that what we are given to administer we presently imagine
43424 The Least Perceptive Literary Critic
43425 The most important critic in our field of study is Lord Halifax. A
43426 most individual judge of poetry, he once invited Alexander Pope round to
43427 give a public reading of his latest poem.
43428 Pope, the leading poet of his day, was greatly surprised when Lord
43429 Halifax stopped him four or five times and said, "I beg your pardon, Mr.
43430 Pope, but there is something in that passage that does not quite please me."
43431 Pope was rendered speechless, as this fine critic suggested sizeable
43432 and unwise emendations to his latest masterpiece. "Be so good as to mark
43433 the place and consider at your leisure. I'm sure you can give it a better
43435 After the reading, a good friend of Lord Halifax, a certain Dr.
43436 Garth, took the stunned Pope to one side. "There is no need to touch the
43437 lines," he said. "All you need do is leave them just as they are, call on
43438 Lord Halifax two or three months hence, thank him for his kind observation
43439 on those passages, and then read them to him as altered. I have known him
43440 much longer than you have, and will be answerable for the event."
43441 Pope took his advice, called on Lord Hallifax and read the poem
43442 exactly as it was before. His unique critical faculties had lost none of
43443 their edge. "Ay", he commented, "now they are perfectly right. Nothing can
43445 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
43447 The Least Successful Animal Rescue
43448 The firemen's strike of 1978 made possible one of the great animal
43449 rescue attempts of all time. Valiantly, the British Army had taken over
43450 emergency firefighting and on 14 January they were called out by an elderly
43451 lady in South London to retrieve her cat which had become trapped up a
43452 tree. They arrived with impressive haste and soon discharged their duty.
43453 So grateful was the lady that she invited them all in for tea. Driving off
43454 later, with fond farewells completed, they ran over the cat and killed it.
43455 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
43457 The Least Successful Collector
43458 Betsy Baker played a central role in the history of collecting. She
43459 was employed as a servant in the house of John Warburton (1682-1759) who had
43460 amassed a fine collection of 58 first edition plays, including most of the
43461 works of Shakespeare.
43462 One day Warburton returned home to find 55 of them charred beyond
43463 legibility. Betsy had either burned them or used them as pie bottoms. The
43464 remaining three folios are now in the British Museum.
43465 The only comparable literary figure was the maid who in 1835 burned
43466 the manuscript of the first volume of Thomas Carlyle's "The Hisory of the
43467 French Revolution", thinking it was wastepaper.
43468 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
43470 The Least Successful Defrosting Device
43471 The all-time record here is held by Mr. Peter Rowlands of Lancaster
43472 whose lips became frozen to his lock in 1979 while blowing warm air on it.
43473 "I got down on my knees to breathe into the lock. Somehow my lips
43475 While he was in the posture, an old lady passed an inquired if he
43476 was all right. "Alra? Igmmlptk", he replied at which point she ran away.
43477 "I tried to tell her what had happened, but it came out sort of...
43478 muffled," explained Mr. Rowlands, a pottery designer.
43479 He was trapped for twenty minutes ("I felt a bit foolish") until
43480 constant hot breathing brought freedom. He was subsequently nicknamed "Hot
43482 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
43484 The Least Successful Equal Pay Advertisement
43485 In 1976 the European Economic Community pointed out to the Irish
43486 Government that it had not yet implemented the agreed sex equality
43487 legislation. The Dublin Government immediately advertised for an equal pay
43488 enforcement officer. The advertisement offered different salary scales for
43490 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
43492 The Least Successful Executions
43493 History has furnished us with two executioners worthy of attention.
43494 The first performed in Sydney in Australia. In 1803 three attempts were
43495 made to hang a Mr. Joseph Samuels. On the first two of these the rope
43496 snapped, while on the third Mr. Samuels just hung there peacefully until he
43497 and everyone else got bored. Since he had proved unsusceptible to capital
43498 punishment, he was reprieved.
43499 The most important British executioner was Mr. James Berry who
43500 tried three times in 1885 to hang Mr. John Lee at Exeter Jail, but on each
43501 occasion failed to get the trap door open.
43502 In recognition of this achievement, the Home Secretary commuted
43503 Lee's sentence to "life" imprisonment. He was released in 1917, emigrated
43504 to America and lived until 1933.
43505 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
43507 The Least Successful Police Dogs
43508 America has a very strong candidate in "La Dur", a fearsome looking
43509 schnauzer hound, who was retired from the Orlando police force in Florida
43510 in 1978. He consistently refused to do anything which might ruffle or
43511 offend the criminal classes.
43512 His handling officer, Rick Grim, had to admit: "He just won't go up
43513 and bite them. I got sick and tired of doing that dog's work for him."
43514 The British contenders in this category, however, took things a
43515 stage further. "Laddie" and "Boy" were trained as detector dogs for drug
43516 raids. Their employment was terminated following a raid in the Midlands in
43518 While the investigating officer questioned two suspects, they
43519 patted and stroked the dogs who eventually fell asleep in front of the
43520 fire. When the officer moved to arrest the suspects, one dog growled at
43521 him while the other leapt up and bit his thigh.
43522 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
43524 The less a statesman amounts to, the more he loves the flag.
43527 The less time planning, the more time programming.
43529 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #10 -- SIMPLE
43531 SIMPLE is an acronym for Sheer Idiot's Monopurpose Programming
43532 Language Environment. This language, developed at the Hanover College
43533 for Technological Misfits, was designed to make it impossible to write
43534 code with errors in it. The statements are, therefore, confined to BEGIN,
43535 END and STOP. No matter how you arrange the statements, you can't make a
43536 syntax error. Programs written in SIMPLE do nothing useful, thus achieving
43537 the results of programs written in other languages without the tedious,
43538 frustrating process of testing and debugging.
43540 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #12 -- LITHP
43542 This otherwise unremarkable language, originally developed in San
43543 Francisco, is distinguished by the absence of an "S" in its character set;
43544 users must substitute "TH". LITHP is thaid to be utheful in protheththing
43547 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #13 -- SLOBOL
43549 SLOBOL is best known for the speed, or lack of it, of its compiler.
43550 Although many compilers allow you to take a coffee break while they compile,
43551 SLOBOL compilers allow you to travel to Bolivia to pick the beans. Forty-
43552 three programmers are known to have died of boredom sitting at their terminals
43553 while waiting for a SLOBOL program to compile. Weary SLOBOL programmers
43554 often turn to a related (but infinitely faster) language, COCAINE.
43556 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #14 -- VALGOL
43558 VALGOL is enjoying a dramatic surge of popularity across the
43559 industry. VALGOL commands include REALLY, LIKE, WELL, and Y*KNOW.
43560 Variables are assigned with the =LIKE and =TOTALLY operators. Other
43561 operators include the "California booleans", AX and NOWAY. Loops are
43562 accomplished with the FOR SURE construct. A simple example:
43564 LIKE, Y*KNOW(I MEAN)START
43565 IF PIZZA =LIKE BITCHEN AND
43566 GUY =LIKE TUBULAR AND
43567 VALLEY GIRL =LIKE GRODY**MAX(FERSURE)**2
43569 FOR I =LIKE 1 TO OH*MAYBE 100
43570 DO*WAH - (DITTY**2); BARF(I)=TOTALLY GROSS(OUT)
43572 LIKE, BAG THIS PROGRAM; REALLY; LIKE TOTALLY(Y*KNOW); IM*SURE
43575 VALGOL is also characterized by its unfriendly error messages. For
43576 example, when the user makes a syntax error, the interpreter displays the
43577 message GAG ME WITH A SPOON! A successful compile may be termed MAXIMALLY
43580 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #17 -- DOGO
43582 Developed at the Massachusetts Institute of Obedience Training, DOGO
43583 DOGO heralds a new era of computer-literate pets. DOGO commands include
43584 SIT, STAY, HEEL, and ROLL OVER. An innovative feature of DOGO is "puppy
43585 graphics", a small cocker spaniel that occasionally leaves a deposit as
43586 it travels across the screen.
43588 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #17 -- SARTRE
43590 Named after the late existential philosopher, SARTRE is an extremely
43591 unstructured language. Statements in SARTRE have no purpose; they just are.
43592 Thus SARTRE programs are left to define their own functions. SARTRE
43593 programmers tend to be boring and depressed, and are no fun at parties.
43595 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #18 -- C-
43597 This language was named for the grade received by its creator when
43598 he submitted it as a class project in a graduate programming class. C- is
43599 best described as a "low-level" programming language. In fact, the language
43600 generally requires more C- statements than machine-code statements to execute
43601 a given task. In this respect, it is very similar to COBOL.
43603 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #18 -- FIFTH
43605 FIFTH is a precision mathematical language in which the data types
43606 refer to quantity. The data types range from CC, OUNCE, SHOT, and JIGGER to
43607 FIFTH (hence the name of the language), LITER, MAGNUM and BLOTTO. Commands
43608 refer to ingredients such as CHABLIS, CHARDONNAY, CABERNET, GIN, VERMOUTH,
43609 VODKA, SCOTCH, BOURBON, and WHATEVERSAROUND.
43610 The many versions of the FIFTH language reflect the sophistication and
43611 financial status of its users. Commands in the ELITE dialect include VSOP and
43612 LAFITE, while commands in the GUTTER dialect include HOOTCH, THUNDERBIRD,
43613 RIPPLE and HOUSERED. The latter is a favorite of frustrated FORTH programmers
43614 who end up using this language.
43616 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #5 -- LAIDBACK
43618 LAIDBACK was developed at the (now defunct) Marin County Center for
43619 T'ai Chi, Mellowness and Computer Programming, as an alternative to the more
43620 intense languages of nearby Silicon Valley.
43621 The Center was ideal for programmers who liked to soak in hot tubs
43622 while they worked. Unfortunately, few programmers could survive there long,
43623 since the Center outlawed pizza and RC Cola in favor of bean curd and Perrier.
43624 Many mourn the demise of LAIDBACK because of its reputation as a
43625 gentle and nonthreatening language. For example, LAIDBACK responded to
43626 syntax errors with the message SORRY MAN, I JUST CAN'T DEAL BEHIND THAT.
43628 The liberals can understand everything but people who don't understand them.
43631 The life which is unexamined is not worth living.
43634 The light of a hundred stars does not equal the light of the moon.
43636 The lion and the calf shall lie down
43637 together but the calf won't get much sleep.
43640 The little girl expects no declaration of tenderness from her doll.
43641 She loves it -- and that's all. It is thus that we should love.
43644 The little pieces of my life I give to you,
43645 with love, to make a quilt to keep away the cold.
43647 The little town that time forgot,
43648 Where all the women are strong,
43649 The men are good-looking,
43650 And the children above-average.
43651 -- Prairie Home Companion
43653 The local minister noticed a little girl standing outside of his
43654 door with a basket of kittens.
43655 "Hello, little girl, what do you have there?"
43656 "These are my Democratic kittens," she replied.
43657 Amused, the pastor said nothing. Two weeks later he saw the same little
43658 girl with (apparently) the same basket of kittens.
43659 "My, I see you still have your Democratic kittens.", he said.
43660 "No, you see, these are Republican kittens," she answered.
43661 "Two weeks ago they were Democratic kittens," he replied, puzzled.
43662 "Two weeks ago they had their eyes closed."
43664 The `loner' may be respected, but he is always resented by his colleagues,
43665 for he seems to be passing a critical judgment on them, when he may be
43666 simply making a limiting statement about himself.
43669 The longer I am out of office, the more infallible I appear to myself.
43672 The longer the title, the less important the job.
43674 The longest part of the journey is said to be the passing of the gate.
43675 -- Marcus Terentius Varro
43677 The Lord gave us farmers two strong hands so we
43678 could grab as much as we could with both of them.
43679 -- Major Major's father
43681 The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away.
43682 Indian Giver be the name of the Lord.
43684 The Lord prefers common-looking people. That is the reason that He makes
43688 The louder he talked of his honour, the faster we counted our spoons.
43689 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
43691 The lovely woman-child Kaa was mercilessly chained to the cruel post of
43692 the warrior-chief Beast, with his barbarian tribe now stacking wood at
43693 her nubile feet, when the strong clear voice of the poetic and heroic
43694 Handsomas roared, 'Flick your Bic, crisp that chick, and you'll feel my
43695 steel through your last meal!'
43696 -- Winning sentence, 1984 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest.
43698 The luck that is ordained for you will be coveted by others.
43700 The lunatic, the lover, and the poet,
43701 Are of imagination all compact...
43702 -- Wm. Shakespeare, "A Midsummer Night's Dream"
43704 The Macintosh is Xerox technology at its best.
43706 The magic of our first love is our ignorance that it can ever end.
43707 -- Benjamin Disraeli
43709 The main problem I have with cats is, they're not dogs.
43712 The major advances in civilization are processes
43713 that all but wreck the societies in which they occur.
43716 The major difference between bonds and bond traders is that the
43717 bonds will eventually mature.
43719 The major sin is the sin of being born.
43722 The majority of husbands remind me of an orangutang trying to play
43726 The majority of the stupid is invincible and guaranteed for all time.
43727 The terror of their tyranny, however, is alleviated by their lack of
43731 The makers may make,
43732 And the users may use,
43733 But the fixers must fix
43734 With but minimal clues.
43736 The man she had was kind and clean
43737 And well enough for every day,
43738 But oh, dear friends, you should have seen
43739 The one that got away.
43740 -- Dorothy Parker, "The Fisherwoman"
43742 The Man Who Almost Invented The Vacuum Cleaner
43743 The man officially credited with inventing the vacuum cleaner is
43744 Hubert Cecil Booth. However, he got the idea from a man who almost
43746 In 1901 Booth visited a London music-hall. On the bill was an
43747 American inventor with his wonder machine for removing dust from carpets.
43748 The machine comprised a box about one foot square with a bag on top.
43749 After watching the act -- which made everyone in the front six rows sneeze
43750 -- Booth went round to the inventor's dressing room.
43751 "It should suck not blow," said Booth, coming straight to the
43752 point. "Suck?", exclaimed the enraged inventor. "Your machine just moves
43753 the dust around the room," Booth informed him. "Suck? Suck? Sucking is
43754 not possible," was the inventor's reply and he stormed out. Booth proved
43755 that it was by the simple expedient of kneeling down, pursing his lips and
43756 sucking the back of an armchair. "I almost choked," he said afterwards.
43757 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
43759 The man who follows the crowd will usually get no further than the crowd.
43760 The man who walks alone is likely to find himself in places no one has ever
43762 -- Alan Ashley-Pitt
43764 The man who has never been flogged has never been taught.
43767 The man who laughs has not yet been told the terrible news.
43770 The man who raises a fist has run out of ideas.
43771 -- H.G. Wells, "Time After Time"
43773 The man who runs may fight again.
43776 The man who sees, on New Year's day, Mount
43777 Fuji, a hawk, and an eggplant is forever blessed.
43778 -- Old Japanese proverb
43780 The man who sets out to carry a cat by its tail learns something that
43781 will always be useful and which never will grow dim or doubtful.
43784 The man who understands one woman is
43785 qualified to understand pretty well everything.
43788 The man with the best job in the country is the Vice President. All he has
43789 to do is get up every morning and say, "How's the President?"
43792 The vice-presidency ain't worth a pitcher of warm spit.
43793 -- Vice President John Nance Garner
43796 The few, the proud, the dead on the beach.
43799 The few, the proud, the not very bright.
43801 The mark of a good party is that you wake up the next morning
43802 wanting to change your name and start a new life in different city.
43803 -- Vance Bourjaily, "Esquire"
43805 The mark of the immature man is that he wants to die nobly for a cause,
43806 while the mark of a mature man is that he wants to live humbly for one.
43809 The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice
43810 and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the
43811 master calls a butterfly.
43812 -- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul
43814 The marriage of Marxism and feminism has been like the marriage of
43815 husband and wife depicted in English common law: Marxism and feminism
43816 are one, and that one is marxism.
43818 "The Unhappy Marriage of Marxism and Feminism"
43820 The Martian Canals were clearly the Martian's last ditch effort!
43822 The marvels of today's modern technology include the development of a
43823 soda can, which, when discarded will last forever -- and a $7,000 car
43824 which, when properly cared for, will rust out in two or three years.
43826 The mate for beauty should be a man and not a money chest.
43829 The mature bohemian is one whose woman works full time.
43831 The means-and-ends moralists, or non-doers,
43832 always end up on their ends without any means.
43835 The meat is rotten, but the booze is holding out.
43836 Computer translation of "The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak."
43838 The meek don't want it.
43840 The meek inherit the earth -- usually in small sections... about 6 by 3.
43842 The meek shall inherit the earth -- they are too weak to refuse.
43844 The meek shall inherit the earth; but by that
43845 time there won't be anything left worth inheriting.
43847 The meek shall inherit the earth, but *not* its mineral rights.
43850 The meek shall inherit the earth; the rest of us, the Universe.
43852 The meek shall inherit the earth; the rest of us will go to the stars.
43854 The meek shall inherit the Earth.
43855 (But they're gonna have to fight for it.)
43857 The meek will inherit the earth -- if that's OK with you.
43859 The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two
43860 chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed.
43863 [The members of the Chamberlain government] are decided only to be
43864 undecided, resolved to be irresolute, adamant for drift, all-powerful
43868 The men sat sipping their tea in silence. After a while the klutz said,
43869 "Life is like a bowl of sour cream."
43870 "Like a bowl of sour cream?" asked the other. "Why?"
43871 "How should I know? What am I, a philosopher?"
43873 The minute a man is convinced that he is interesting, he isn't.
43875 The mirror sees the man as beautiful, the mirror loves the man; another
43876 mirror sees the man as frightful and hates him; and it is always the same
43877 being who produces the impressions.
43878 -- Marquis D.A.F. de Sade
43880 The misnaming of fields of study is so common as to lead to what might be
43881 general systems laws. For example, Frank Harary once suggested the law that
43882 any field that had the word "science" in its name was guaranteed thereby
43883 not to be a science. He would cite as examples Military Science, Library
43884 Science, Political Science, Homemaking Science, Social Science, and Computer
43885 Science. Discuss the generality of this law, and possible reasons for its
43887 -- Gerald Weinberg, "An Introduction to General Systems
43890 The Modelski Chain Rule:
43891 1: Look intently at the problem for several minutes. Scratch your
43892 head at 20-30 second intervals. Try solving the problem on your
43894 2: Failing this, look around at the class. Select a particularly
43895 bright-looking individual.
43896 3: Procure a large chain.
43897 4: Walk over to the selected student and threaten to beat him severely
43898 with the chain unless he gives you the answer to the problem.
43899 Generally, he will. It may also be a good idea to give him a sound
43900 thrashing anyway, just to show you mean business.
43902 "The molars, I'm sure, will be all right, the molars can take care of
43903 themselves," the old man said, no longer to me. "But what will become
43905 -- The Old Man and his Bridge
43907 The mome rath isn't born that could outgrabe me.
43908 -- Nicol Williamson
43910 The moon is made of green cheese.
43913 The moon may be smaller than Earth, but it's further away.
43915 The Moral Majority is neither.
43917 The more complex the mind, the greater
43918 the need for the simplicity of play.
43919 -- Captain Kirk, "Shore Leave"
43921 The more control, the more that requires control.
43923 The more cordial the buyers secretary, the greater
43924 the odds that the competition already has the order.
43926 The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
43928 The more data I punch in this card, the lighter it becomes, and the
43929 lower the mailing cost.
43930 -- S. Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
43932 The more he talked of his honor the faster we counted our spoons.
43933 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
43935 The more I know men the more I like my horse.
43937 The more I see of men the more I admire dogs.
43938 -- Mme De Sevigne, 1626-1696
43940 The more I want to get something done, the less I call it work.
43941 -- Richard Bach, "Illusions"
43943 The more laws and order are made prominent,
43944 the more thieves and robbers there will be.
43947 The more pretentious a corporate name, the smaller the organization. (For
43948 instance, The Murphy Center for Codification of Human and Organizational Law,
43949 contrasted to IBM, GM, AT&T ...)
43951 The more the merrier.
43954 The more they over-think the plumbing
43955 the easier it is to stop up the drain.
43957 The more things change, the more they remain the same.
43960 The more things change, the more they stay insane.
43962 The more things change, the more they'll never be the same again.
43964 The more we disagree, the more chance
43965 there is that at least one of us is right.
43967 The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
43969 The more you sweat in peace, the less you bleed in war.
43971 The Moscow Evening News advertised a contest for the best political joke.
43972 First prize was ten years in prison; second prize, five years; third prize,
43973 three years; and there were six honorable mentions of one year each.
43975 The mosquito exists to keep the mighty humble.
43977 The moss on the tree does not fear the talons of the hawk.
43979 The most advantageous, pre-eminent thing thou canst do is not to
43980 exhibit nor display thyself within the limits of our galaxy, but
43981 rather depart instantaneously whence thou even now standest and
43982 flee to yet another rotten planet in the universe, if thou canst
43983 have the good fortune to find one.
43986 The most common given name in the world is Mohammad; the most common
43987 family name in the world is Chang. Can you imagine the enormous number
43988 of people in the world named Mohammad Chang?
43991 The most costly of all follies is to believe passionately
43992 in the palpably not true. It is the chief occupation of mankind.
43995 The most dangerous food is wedding cake.
43996 -- American proverb
43998 The most dangerous organization in America today is:
44001 b) The American Nazi Party
44002 c) The Delta Frequent Flyer Club
44004 The most delightful day after the one on which you buy a cottage in
44005 the country is the one on which you resell it.
44008 The most difficult thing about surviving AIDS
44009 is trying to convince your parents that you're Haitian.
44011 The most difficult thing in the world is to know how to do a
44012 thing and to watch someone else doing it wrong, without commenting.
44015 The most difficult years of marriage are those following the wedding.
44017 The most disagreeable thing that your worst enemy says to your face does
44018 not approach what your best friends say behind your back.
44019 -- Alfred De Musset
44021 The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new
44022 discoveries, is not "Eureka!" (I found it!) but "That's funny ..."
44025 The most exquisite peak in culinary art is conquered when you do right by a
44026 ham, for a ham, in the very nature of the process it has undergone since last
44027 it walked on its own feet, combines in its flavor the tang of smoky autumnal
44028 woods, the maternal softness of earthy fields delivered of their crop children,
44029 the wineyness of a late sun, the intimate kiss of fertilizing rain, and the
44030 bite of fire. You must slice it thin, almost as thin as this page you hold
44031 in your hands. The making of a ham dinner, like the making of a gentleman,
44032 starts a long, long time before the event.
44033 -- W.B. Courtney, "Reflections of Maryland Country Ham",
44034 from "Congress Eate It Up"
44036 ...the most exquisitely squalid hells known to middle-class man:
44037 freshman English at a Midwestern university.
44040 The most happy marriage I can imagine to myself would be the union
44041 of a deaf man to a blind woman.
44042 -- Samuel Taylor Coleridge
44044 The most hopelessly stupid man is he who is not aware that he is wise.
44046 The most important early product on the way
44047 to developing a good product is an imperfect version.
44049 The most important service rendered by the press is that of educating
44050 people to approach printed matter with distrust.
44052 The most important thing in a relationship between a man and a woman
44053 is that one of them be good at taking orders.
44056 The most important things, each person must do for himself.
44058 The most popular labor-saving device today is still a husband with money.
44059 -- Joey Adams, "Cindy and I"
44061 The most recent attempt to revive the moribund campus left, a national
44062 conference held at Rutgers University February 5-7, ended when the
44063 participants decided that they were too racist to found a new national
44065 The stated goal of the conference was the formation of a national
44066 organization that would "give expression to a shared consciousness." The
44067 orientation materials declared that this was "a historic moment" -- you
44068 know, like Port Huron and the Sixties -- and the Rutgers host committee had
44069 every reason to expect their goal would be accomplished.
44070 But it was not to be. Given that this was a conference of *New*
44071 New Leftists, reason had nothing to do with it.
44072 A revealing article by Vania del Borgo and Maria Margaronis in "The
44073 Nation", ["Beyond the Fragments," 3/26/88] says "The defining moment of the
44074 weekend came when the conference was almost at its end. On Sunday morning,
44075 a twenty-five-member students of color caucus confronted the assembled body
44076 with its overwhelming whiteness..." Joined by the Gay & Bisexual Caucus, the
44077 Students of Color Caucus declared that the founding of such an overwhelmingly
44078 white organization would itself constitute a racist act. The four hundred or
44079 so leftist activists were told that they had no right to ratify a constitution
44080 or elect any officers. While recognizing "the need to examine the real
44081 possibilities of a broad-based, racially diverse student movement" and paying
44082 lip service to the need for "dialogue," they threatened to walk out if their
44083 demands were not met. As *The Nation* article describes the scene: "To their
44084 astonishment, their intervention was greeted with a standing ovation." Handed
44085 an ultimatum which demanded that they disband, this would-be successor to the
44086 radical student movements of the Sixties promptly voted itself out of
44087 existence. As del Borgo and Margaronis put it, "After much chaotic discussion
44088 and a confused voice vote, the convention suspended all its other work and
44089 broke into regional groups to discuss 'outreach.'"
44090 -- Libertarian Agenda, May 1988
44092 The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she
44093 served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never
44097 The most serious doubt that has been thrown on the authenticity of the
44098 biblical miracles is the fact that most of the witnesses in regard to
44099 them were fishermen.
44102 The Most Unsuccessful Version Of The Bible
44103 The most exciting version of the Bible was printed in 1631 by Robert
44104 Barker and Martin Lucas, the King's printers at London. It contained
44105 several mistakes, but one was inspired -- the word "not" was omitted from
44106 the Seventh Commandment and enjoined its readers, on the highest authority,
44107 to commit adultery.
44108 Fearing the popularity with which this might be received in remote
44109 country districts, King Charles I called all 1,000 copies back in and fined
44110 the printers L3,000.
44111 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
44113 The most winning woman I ever knew was hanged for poisoning three little
44114 children for their insurance money.
44117 The moving cursor writes, and having written, blinks on.
44119 The Moving Finger writes; and, having writ,
44120 Moves on: nor all they Piety nor Wit
44121 Shall lure it back to cancel half a Line,
44122 Nor all thy Tears wash out a Word of it.
44124 The myth of romantic love holds that once you've fallen in love with the
44125 perfect partner, you're home free. Unfortunately, falling out of love
44126 seems to be just as involuntary as falling into it.
44128 The naked truth of it is, I have no shirt.
44129 -- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost"
44131 The nation that controls magnetism controls the universe.
44132 -- Chester Gould/Dick Tracy
44134 The nearer to the church, the further from God.
44137 The net is like a vast sea of lutefisk with tiny dinosaur brains embedded
44138 in it here and there. Any given spoonful will likely have an IQ of 1, but
44139 occasional spoonfuls may have an IQ more than six times that!
44140 -- James 'Kibo' Parry
44142 The net of law is spread so wide,
44143 No sinner from its sweep may hide.
44144 Its meshes are so fine and strong,
44145 They take in every child of wrong.
44146 O wondrous web of mystery!
44147 Big fish alone escape from thee!
44148 -- James Jeffrey Roche
44150 The new Congressmen say they're going to turn the government around.
44151 I hope I don't get run over again.
44153 The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10
44154 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.
44157 A javelin team that elects to receive.
44159 The New Testament offers the basis for modern computer coding theory,
44160 in the form of an affirmation of the binary number system.
44162 But let your communication be Yea, yea; nay, nay:
44163 for whatsoever is more than these cometh of evil.
44167 The next person to mention spaghetti stacks
44168 to me is going to have his head knocked off.
44171 The next thing I say to you will be true.
44172 The last thing I said was false.
44174 The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people.
44175 -- Lucille S. Harper
44177 The nice thing about standards
44178 is that there are so many of them to choose from.
44179 -- Andrew S. Tanenbaum
44181 The nicest thing about the Alto is that it doesn't run faster at night.
44183 The night passes quickly when you're asleep
44184 But I'm out shufflin' for something to eat
44186 Breakfast at the Egg House,
44187 Like the waffle on the griddle,
44188 I'm burnt around the edges,
44189 But I'm tender in the middle.
44192 The notes blatted skyward as the rose over the Canada geese, feathered
44193 rumps mooning the day, webbed appendages frantically pedaling unseen
44194 bicycles in their search for sustenance, driven by cruel Nature's maxim,
44195 'Ya wanna eat, ya gotta work,' and at last I knew Pittsburgh.
44196 -- Winning sentence, 1987 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest.
44198 The notion of a "record" is an obsolete
44199 remnant of the days of the 80-column card.
44202 The number of computer scientists in a room is inversely
44203 proportional to the number of bugs in their code.
44205 The number of feet in a yard is directly proportional to the success
44208 The number of licorice gumballs you get out of a gumball machine
44209 increases in direct proportion to how much you hate licorice.
44211 The number of UNIX installations has grown to 10, with more expected.
44212 -- The Unix Programmer's Manual, 2nd Edition, June 1972
44214 The NY Times is read by the people who run the country. The Washington Post
44215 is read by the people who think they run the country. The National Enquirer
44216 is read by the people who think Elvis is alive and running the country.
44219 The objective of all dedicated employees should be to thoroughly analyze
44220 all situations, anticipate all problems prior to their occurrence, have
44221 answers for these problems, and move swiftly to solve these problems
44224 When you are up to your ass in alligators it is difficult to remind
44225 yourself your initial objective was to drain the swamp.
44227 The odds are a million to one against your being one in a million.
44229 The Official Colorado State Vegetable is now the "state legislator".
44231 The Official MBA Handbook on business cards:
44233 Avoid overly pretentious job titles such as "Lord of the
44234 Realm, Defender of the Faith, Emperor of India" or "Director
44235 of Corporate Planning."
44237 The Official MBA Handbook on doing company business on an airplane:
44239 Do not work openly on top-secret company cost documents unless
44240 you have previously ascertained that the passenger next to you
44241 is blind, a rock musician on mood-ameliorating drugs, or the
44242 unfortunate possessor of a forty-seventh chromosome.
44244 The Official MBA Handbook on the use of sunlamps:
44246 Use a sunlamp only on weekends. That way, if the office wise guy
44247 remarks on the sudden appearance of your tan, you can fabricate
44248 some story about a sun-stroked weekend at some island Shangri-La
44249 like Caneel Bay. Nothing is more transparent than leaving the
44250 office at 11:45 on a Tuesday night, only to return an Aztec sun
44251 god at 8:15 the next morning.
44253 The old complaint that mass culture is designed for eleven-year-olds
44254 is of course a shameful canard. The key age has traditionally been
44255 more like fourteen.
44256 -- Robert Christgau, "Esquire"
44258 The old man had lived all his life in a little house on the Vermont side of the
44259 New Hampshire-Vermont border. One day, the surveyors came to inform him that
44260 they had just discovered that he lived in New Hampshire, not Vermont.
44261 "Thank heavens!" was his heartfelt reply. "I don't think I could have
44262 taken another one of those damned Vermont winters!"
44264 THE OLD POOL SHOOTER had won many a game in his life. But now it was time
44265 to hang up the cue. When he did, all the other cues came crashing go the
44268 "Sorry," he said with a smile.
44269 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
44271 The older a man gets, the farther he had to walk to school as a boy.
44273 The older I grow, the less important the comma becomes.
44274 Let the reader catch his own breath.
44275 -- Elizabeth Clarkson Zwart
44277 The older I grow, the more I distrust the
44278 familiar doctrine that age brings wisdom.
44281 The one charm of marriage is that it makes a life of deception a neccessity.
44284 The one day you'd sell your soul for something, souls are a glut.
44286 The one good thing about repeating your
44287 mistakes is that you know when to cringe.
44289 The one L lama, he's a priest
44290 The two L llama, he's a beast
44291 And I will bet my silk pyjama
44292 There isn't any three L lllama.
44293 -- O. Nash, to which a fire chief replied that occasionally
44294 his department responded to something like a "three L lllama."
44296 The One Page Principle:
44297 A specification that will not fit on one page of 8.5x11 inch paper
44298 cannot be understood.
44301 The one sure way to make a lazy man look
44302 respectable is to put a fishing rod in his hand.
44304 The only alliance I would make with the Women's Liberation Movement is in bed.
44307 The only certainty is that nothing is certain.
44310 The only constant is change.
44312 The only cultural advantage LA has over NY is that you can make a
44313 right turn on a red light.
44316 The only difference between a car salesman and a computer salesman is
44317 that the car salesman knows he's lying.
44319 The only difference between a rut and a grave is their dimensions.
44321 The only difference between the saint and the sinner is that
44322 every saint has a past and every sinner has a future.
44325 The only difference in the game of love over the last few
44326 thousand years is that they've changed trumps from clubs to diamonds.
44327 -- The Indianapolis Star
44329 The only function of economic forecasting is to make astrology look
44331 -- John Kenneth Galbraith
44333 The only happiness lies in reason; all the rest of the world is dismal.
44334 The highest reason, however, I see in the work of the artist, and he may
44335 experience it as such. Happiness lies in the swiftness of feeling and
44336 thinking: all the rest of the world is slow, gradual and stupid. Whoever
44337 could feel the course of a light ray would be very happy, for it is very
44338 swift. Thinking of oneself gives little happiness. If, however, one feels
44339 much happiness in this, it is because at bottom one is not thinking of
44340 oneself but of one's ideal. This is far, and only the swift shall reach
44341 it and are delighted.
44344 The only "ism" Hollywood believes in is plagiarism.
44347 The only justification for our concepts and systems of concepts is
44348 that they serve to represent the complex of our experiences;
44349 beyond this they have not legitimacy.
44352 The only one of your children who does not grow up and move away
44355 The only people for me are the mad ones -- the ones who are mad to live,
44356 mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time,
44357 the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn
44358 like fabulous yellow Roman candles.
44359 -- Jack Kerouac, "On the Road"
44361 The only people who make love all the time are liars.
44364 The only perfect science is hind-sight.
44366 The only person to get all of his work done by Friday was Robinson Crusoe.
44368 The only person who always got his work done by Friday was Robinson Crusoe.
44370 The only possible interpretation of any research
44371 whatever in the "social sciences" is: some do, some don't.
44373 The only possible interpretation of any research
44374 whatever in the 'social sciences' is: some do, some don't.
44375 -- Ernest Rutherford
44377 The only problem with being a man of leisure
44378 is that you can never stop and take a rest.
44380 The only problem with seeing too much is that it makes you insane.
44383 The only promotion rules I can think of are that a sense of shame is to
44384 be avoided at all costs and there is never any reason for a hustler to
44385 be less cunning than more virtuous men. Oh yes ... whenever you think
44386 you've got something really great, add ten per cent more.
44389 The only qualities for real success in journalism are ratlike cunning, a
44390 plausible manner and a little literary ability. The capacity to steal
44391 other people's ideas and phrases ... is also invaluable.
44392 -- Nicolas Tomalin, "Stop the Press, I Want to Get On"
44394 The only real advantage to punk music is that nobody can whistle it.
44396 The only real argument for marriage is that it remains the best method
44397 for getting acquainted.
44400 The only real way to look younger is not to be born so soon.
44403 The only really masterful noise a man makes in a house is the noise
44404 of his key, when he is still on the landing, fumbling for the lock.
44407 The only reward of virtue is virtue.
44408 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
44410 The only rose without thorns is friendship.
44412 The only thing better than love is milk.
44414 The only thing cheaper than hardware is talk.
44416 The only thing that experience teaches us is that experience teaches
44418 -- Andre Maurois (Emile Herzog)
44420 The only thing that stops God from sending a second Flood is that
44421 the first one was useless.
44422 -- Nicolas Chamfort
44424 The only thing to do with good advice is pass it on.
44425 It is never any use to oneself.
44428 The only thing we learn from history is that we do not learn.
44431 That men do not learn very much from history is the most important of all
44432 the lessons that history has to teach.
44435 We learn from history that we do not learn from history.
44438 HISTORY: Papa Hegel he say that all we learn from history is that we learn
44439 nothing from history. I know people who can't even learn from what happened
44440 this morning. Hegel must have been taking the long view.
44441 -- Chad C. Mulligan, "The Hipcrime Vocab"
44443 The only thing which separates man from child is all the values
44444 he has lost over the years.
44445 -- Poul Henningsen [1894-1967]
44447 The only time a dog gets complimented is when he doesn't do anything.
44450 The only two things that motivate me and that matter to me are revenge
44454 The only way to amuse some people
44455 is to slip and fall on an icy pavement.
44457 The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.
44460 The only way to keep you health is to eat what you don't want,
44461 drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not.
44464 The only winner in the War of 1812 was Tchaikovsky.
44467 The onset and the waning of love make themselves felt
44468 in the uneasiness experienced at being alone together.
44469 -- Jean de la Bruyere
44471 The opossum is a very sophisticated animal. It doesn't even get up
44474 The opossum is a very sophisticated animal.
44475 It doesn't even get up until 5 or 6 pm.
44477 The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. But the opposite
44478 of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.
44481 The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.
44484 The opposite of talking isn't listening. The opposite of talking is
44486 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"
44488 The optimist thinks that this is the best of all possible worlds,
44489 and the pessimist knows it.
44490 -- J. Robert Oppenheimer, "Bulletin of Atomic Scientists"
44492 Yet creeds mean very little, Coth answered the dark god, still speaking
44493 almost gently. The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all
44494 possible worlds; and the pessimist fears this is true.
44495 -- James Cabell, "The Silver Stallion"
44497 The optimum committee has no members.
44498 -- Norman Augustine
44500 The opulence of the front office door varies
44501 inversely with the fundamental solvency of the firm.
44503 The orders come down and they march us away.
44504 There's a battle outside and we join in the fray.
44505 God, it's hell when you know this could be your last day,
44506 But it's better than working for Xerox.
44507 -- Frank Hayes, "Don't Ask"
44509 The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me.
44512 The other line moves faster.
44514 The owner of a large furniture store in the mid-west arrived in France on
44515 a buying trip. As he was checking into a hotel he struck up an acquaintance
44516 with a beautiful young lady. However, she only spoke French and he only spoke
44517 English, so each couldn't understand a word the other spoke. He took out a
44518 pencil and a notebook and drew a picture of a coach. She smiled, nodded her
44519 head and they went for a ride in the park. Later, he drew a picture of a
44520 table in a restaurant with a question mark and she nodded, so they went to
44521 dinner. After dinner he sketched two dancers and she was delighted. They
44522 went to several nightclubs, drank champagne, danced and had a glorious
44523 evening. It had gotten quite late when she motioned for the pencil and drew
44524 a picture of a four-poster bed. He was dumbfounded, and to this day has
44525 never be able to understand how she knew he was in the furniture business.
44527 The part of the world that people find most puzzling is the part called "Me".
44529 The party adjourned to a hot tub, yes. Fully clothed, I might add.
44530 -- IBM employee, testifying in California State Supreme Court
44532 The passionate young thing was having a difficult time getting across what
44533 she wanted from her rather dense boyfriend. Finally she asked,
44534 "Would you like to see where I was operated on for appendicitis?"
44535 "Gosh, no!" he replied. "I hate hospitals."
44537 The past always looks better than it was.
44538 It's only pleasant because it isn't here.
44539 -- Finley Peter Dunne (Mr. Dooley)
44541 The people sensible enough to give
44542 good advice are usually sensible enough to give none.
44544 The perfect friend sees the best in you -- sees it constantly --
44545 not just when you occasionally are that way, but also when you
44546 waver, when you forget yourself, act like less than you are.
44547 In time, you become more like his vision of you -- which is the
44548 person you have always wanted to be.
44551 The perfect lover is one who turns into a pizza at 4:00 A.M.
44554 The perfect man is the true partner. Not a bed partner nor a fun partner,
44555 but a man who will shoulder burdens equally with [you] and possess that
44559 The person who can smile when something
44560 goes wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.
44562 The person who makes no mistakes does not usually make anything.
44564 The person who marries for money usually earns every penny of it.
44566 The person who's taking you to lunch has no intention of paying.
44568 The person you rejected yesterday could make you happy, if you say yes.
44570 The personal computer market is about the same size as the total potato chip
44571 market. Next year it will be about half the size of the pet food market and
44572 is fast approaching the total worldwide sales of pantyhose"
44573 -- James Finke, Commodore Int'l Ltd., 1982
44575 The perversity of nature is nowhere better demonstrated by the fact that,
44576 when exposed to the same atmosphere, bread becomes hard while crackers
44579 The philosopher's treatment of a question
44580 is like the treatment of an illness.
44583 The Phone Booth Rule:
44584 A lone dime always gets the number nearly right.
44586 The Pig, if I am not mistaken,
44587 Gives us ham and pork and Bacon.
44588 Let others think his heart is big,
44589 I think it stupid of the Pig.
44591 The pitcher wound up and he flang the ball at the batter. The batter swang
44592 and missed. The pitcher flang the ball again and this time the batter
44593 connected. He hit a high fly right to the center fielder. The center
44594 fielder was all set to catch the ball, but at the last minute his eyes were
44595 blound by the sun and he dropped it.
44598 The plural of spouse is spice.
44600 The Poems, all three hundred of them,
44601 may be summed up in one of their phrases:
44602 "Let our thoughts be correct".
44605 The Poet Whose Badness Saved His Life
44606 The most important poet in the seventeenth century was George
44607 Wither. Alexander Pope called him "wretched Wither" and Dryden said of his
44608 verse that "if they rhymed and rattled all was well".
44609 In our own time, "The Dictionary of National Biography" notes that his
44610 work "is mainly remarkable for its mass, fluidity and flatness. It usually
44611 lacks any genuine literary quality and often sinks into imbecile doggerel".
44612 High praise, indeed, and it may tempt you to savour a typically
44613 rewarding stanza: It is taken from "I loved a lass" and is concerned with
44614 the higher emotions.
44615 She would me "Honey" call,
44616 She'd -- O she'd kiss me too.
44617 But now alas! She's left me
44619 Among other details of his mistress which he chose to immortalize
44620 was her prudent choice of footwear.
44621 The fives did fit her shoe.
44622 In 1639 the great poet's life was endangered after his capture by
44623 the Royalists during the English Civil War. When Sir John Denham, the
44624 Royalist poet, heard of Wither's imminent execution, he went to the King and
44625 begged that his life be spared. When asked his reason, Sir John replied,
44626 "Because that so long as Wither lived, Denham would not be accounted the
44627 worst poet in England."
44628 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
44630 The poetry of heroism appeals irresitably to those who don't go to a war,
44631 and even more so to those whom the war is making enormously wealthy."
44634 The point is, you see, that there is no point in driving yourself mad
44635 trying to stop yourself going mad. You might just as well give in and
44636 save your sanity for later.
44638 The polite thing to do has always been to address people as they wish to be
44639 addressed, to treat them in a way they think dignified. But it is equally
44640 important to accept and tolerate different standards of courtesy, not
44641 expecting everyone else to adapt to one's own preferences. Only then can
44642 we hope to restore the insult to its proper social function of expressing
44644 -- Judith Martin, "Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly
44647 The politician is someone who deals in man's problems of adjustment.
44648 To ask a politician to lead us is to ask the tail of a dog to lead the dog.
44649 -- Buckminster Fuller
44651 The pollution's at that awkward stage.
44652 Too thick to navigate and too thin to cultivate.
44655 The possession of a book becomes a substitute for reading it.
44658 The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor
44659 prohibited by it to the States, are reserved to the States respectively,
44661 -- U.S. Constitution, Amendment 10. (Bill of Rights)
44663 The Preacher, the Politician, the Teacher,
44664 Were each of them once a kiddie.
44665 A child, indeed, is a wonderful creature.
44666 Do I want one? God Forbiddie!
44669 The president publicly apologized today to all those offended by his brother's
44670 remark, "There's more Arabs in this country than there is Jews!". Those
44671 offended include Arabs, Jews, and English teachers.
44672 -- Channel 11 News, Baltimore, on Billy Carter
44674 The prettiest women are almost always the most
44675 boring, and that is why some people feel there is no God.
44676 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
44678 The price of greatness is responsibility.
44680 The price of success in philosophy is triviality.
44683 The price one pays for pursuing any profession, or calling, is an intimate
44684 knowledge of its ugly side.
44687 The primary function of the design engineer is to make things
44688 difficult for the fabricator and impossible for the serviceman.
44690 The primary purpose of the DATA statement is to give names to constants;
44691 instead of referring to pi as 3.141592653589793 at every appearance, the
44692 variable PI can be given that value with a DATA statement and used instead
44693 of the longer form of the constant. This also simplifies modifying the
44694 program, should the value of pi change.
44695 -- FORTRAN manual for Xerox Computers
44697 The primary theme of SoupCon is communication. The acronym "LEO"
44698 represents the secondary theme:
44700 Law Enforcement Officials
44702 The overall theme of SoupCon shall be:
44704 Avoiding Communication with Law Enforcement Officials
44707 The probability of someone watching you is directly
44708 proportional to the stupidity of your action.
44710 The problem that we thought was a problem was, indeed,
44711 a problem, but not the problem we thought was the problem.
44714 The problem with any unwritten law is that
44715 you don't know where to go to erase it.
44718 The problem with graduate students, in general, is that they have
44719 to sleep every few days.
44721 The problem with me is that I am fifty or one hundred years ahead of my
44722 time. My speed is very fast. Some ministers have had to drop out of my
44723 government because they could not keep up.
44726 The problem with most conspiracy theories is that they seem to believe that
44727 for a group of people to behave in a way detrimental to the common good
44730 The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can
44731 be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues.
44732 -- Elizabeth Taylor
44734 The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
44736 The problem with this country is that there is no death penalty
44739 The problems of business administration in general, and database management in
44740 particular are much too difficult for people that think in IBMese, compounded
44741 with sloppy English.
44742 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
44744 The profession of book writing makes horse racing seem like a solid,
44748 The program isn't debugged until the last user is dead.
44750 The programmers of old were mysterious and profound. We cannot fathom their
44751 thoughts, so all we do is describe their appearance.
44752 Aware, like a fox crossing the water. Alert, like a general on the
44753 battlefield. Kind, like a hostess greeting her guests. Simple, like uncarved
44754 blocks of wood. Opaque, like black pools in darkened caves.
44755 Who can tell the secrets of their hearts and minds?
44756 The answer exists only in the Tao.
44758 The proof of the pudding is in the eating.
44759 -- Miguel de Cervantes
44761 The proof that IBM didn't invent the car is that it has a steering wheel
44762 and an accelerator instead of spurs and ropes, to be compatible with a
44766 The propriety of some persons seems to consist in having improper
44767 thoughts about their neighbours.
44770 The Psblurtex is an 18-inch long anaconda that hides in the gentlemen's
44771 outfitting departments of Amazonian stores and is often bought by mistake
44772 since its colors are those of the London Reform Club. Once tied around its
44773 victim's neck, it strangles him gently and then claims the insurance before
44774 running off to Germany where it lives in hiding.
44775 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
44777 The public demands certainties; it must be told definitely and a bit
44778 raucously that this is true and that is false. But there are no
44780 -- H.L. Mencken, "Prejudice"
44782 The Public is merely a multiplied "me."
44785 The Puritan hated bear-baiting, not because it gave pain to the bear, but
44786 because it gave pleasure to the spectators.
44787 -- Thomas Macaulay, "History of England"
44789 The purpose of Physics 7A is to make the engineers realize that they're
44790 not perfect, and to make the rest of the people realize that they're not
44793 "The pyramid is opening!"
44795 "The one with the ever-widening hole in it!"
44797 The quality of a pun is in the "Oy!" of the beholder.
44799 The Queen is most anxious to enlist every one who can speak or write to
44800 join in checking this mad, wicked folly of "Woman's Rights", with all its
44801 attendant horrors, on which her poor feeble sex is bent, forgetting every
44802 sense of womanly feeling and propriety. Lady-- ought to get a good
44803 whipping. It is a subject which makes the Queen so furious that she cannot
44804 contain herself. God created men and women different -- then let them
44805 remain each in their own position.
44806 -- Letter to Sir Theodore Martin, 29 May 1870, from
44809 The questions remain the same.
44810 The answers are eternally variable.
44812 The Rabbits The Cow
44813 Here is a verse about rabbits The cow is of the bovine ilk;
44814 That doesn't mention their habits. One end is moo, the other, milk.
44817 The race is not always to the swift, nor the
44818 battle to the strong, but that's the way to bet.
44821 The rain it raineth on the just
44822 And also on the unjust fella:
44823 But chiefly on the just, because
44824 The unjust steals the just's umbrella.
44827 The Ranger isn't gonna like it, Yogi.
44829 The rate at which a disease spreads through a corn field is a precise
44830 measurement of the speed of blight.
44832 The ratio of literacy to illiteracy is a constant, but nowadays the
44833 illiterates can read.
44836 The real man's Bloody Mary:
44837 Ingredients: vodka, tomato juice, Tobasco, Worcestershire
44838 sauce, A-1 steak sauce, ice, salt, pepper, celery.
44840 Fill a large tumbler with vodka.
44841 Throw all the other ingredients away.
44843 The real problem with hunting elephants carrying the decoys.
44845 The real purpose of books is to trap the mind into doing its own thinking.
44846 -- Christopher Morley
44848 The real reason large families benefit society is because at least
44849 a few of the children in the world shouldn't be raised by beginners.
44851 The real reason psychology is hard is that
44852 psychologists are trying to do the impossible.
44854 The real trouble with reality is that there's no background music.
44856 The reason computer chips are so small is computers don't eat much.
44858 The reason people sweat is so they won't catch fire when making love.
44861 The reason that every major university maintains a department of
44862 mathematics is that it's cheaper than institutionalizing all those
44865 The reason they're called wisdom teeth
44866 is that the experience makes you wise.
44868 The reason why worry kills more people
44869 than work is that more people worry than work.
44871 The reasons that each of these countries has had to renege on its
44872 financial committments were all somewhat different: Argentina because of
44873 a war, Poland because of its vast misguided overinvestment in heavy
44874 industry, Honduras because the coffeee price went sour, Zaire because
44875 nobody in the government there has a clue as to how to run a country.
44876 -- Paul Erdman's Money Book
44878 The relative importance of files depends on their cost
44879 in terms of the human effort needed to regenerate them.
44882 The requirements of romantic love are difficult to satisfy in the trunk
44886 The Reverend Henry Ward Beecher
44887 Called a hen a most elegant creature.
44888 The hen, pleased with that,
44889 Laid an egg in his hat --
44890 And thus did the hen reward Beecher.
44891 -- Oliver Wendell Holmes
44893 The reverse side also has a reverse side.
44894 -- Japanese proverb
44896 The revolution will not be televised.
44898 The reward for working hard is more hard work.
44900 The reward of a thing well done is to have done it.
44903 The rich get rich, and the poor get poorer.
44904 The haves get more, the have-nots die.
44906 The right half of the brain controls the left half of the body.
44907 This means that only left handed people are in their right mind.
44909 The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be
44913 The right to be let alone is indeed the beginning of all freedom.
44916 The rights and interests of the laboring man will be protected and cared
44917 for not by our labor agitators, but by the Christian men to whom God in his
44918 infinite wisdom has given control of property interests of the country, and
44919 upon the successful management of which so much remains.
44920 -- George F. Baer, railroad industrialist
44922 The rights you have are the rights given you by this Committee [the
44923 House Un-American Activities Committee]. We will determine what rights
44924 you have and what rights you have not got.
44925 -- J. Parnell Thomas
44927 The ripest fruit falls first.
44928 -- William Shakespeare, "Richard II"
44930 The road to Hades is easy to travel.
44933 The road to hell is paved with NAND gates.
44936 The road to ruin is always in good repair,
44937 and the travellers pay the expense of it.
44941 The one who says it cannot be done should never interrupt the
44942 one who is doing it.
44944 The root of all superstition is that men
44945 observe when a thing hits, but not when it misses.
44948 The rose of yore is but a name, mere names are left to us.
44950 The Ruffed Pandanga of Borneo and Rotherham spreads out his feathers in
44951 his courtship dance and imitates Winston Churchill and Tommy Cooper on
44952 one leg. The padanga is dying out because the female padanga doesn't
44953 take it too seriously.
44954 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
44956 The rule is, jam to-morrow and jam yesterday, but never jam today.
44959 The rule on staying alive as a forecaster is to give 'em a number or
44960 give 'em a date, but never give 'em both at once.
44961 -- Jane Bryant Quinn
44963 The rules are rather simple to understand: Under democracy you
44964 can defend any view, but only defend it. You can not try to realize
44965 it through power, violence or weapons.
44966 -- Poul Henningsen [1894-1967]
44970 1: Thou shalt not worship other computer systems.
44971 2: Thou shalt not impersonate Liberace or eat watermelon while sitting at
44972 the console keyboard.
44973 3: Thou shalt not slap users on the face, nor staple their silly little
44974 card decks together.
44975 4: Thou shalt not get physically involved with the computer system,
44976 especially if you're already married.
44977 5: Thou shalt not use magnetic tapes as frisbees, nor use a disk pack as
44978 a stool to reach another disk pack.
44979 6: Thou shalt not stare at the blinking lights for more than one 8 hour
44981 7: Thou shalt not tell users that you accidentally destroyed their
44982 files/backup just to see the look on their little faces.
44983 8: Thou shalt not enjoy cancelling a job.
44984 9: Thou shalt not display firearms in the computer room.
44985 10: Thou shalt not push buttons "just to see what happens".
44987 The Russians have put a small ball up in the air.
44988 That does not raise my apprehensions one iota.
44989 -- Dwight D. Eisenhower
44991 The salary of the chief executive of the large corporation is not a market
44992 award for achievement. It is frequently in the nature of a warm personal
44993 gesture by the individual to himself.
44994 -- John Kenneth Galbraith, "Annals of an Abiding Liberal"
44996 The San Diego Freeway. Official Parking Lot of the 1984 Olympics!
44998 The savior becomes the victim.
45000 The scene: in a vast, painted desert, a cowboy faces his horse.
45002 Cowboy: "Well, you've been a pretty good hoss, I guess. Hardworkin'.
45003 Not the fastest critter I ever come acrost, but..."
45005 Horse: "No, stupid, not feed*back*. I said I wanted a feed*bag*.
45007 The Schwine-Kitzenger Institute study of 47 men over the age of 100
45008 showed that all had these things in common:
45010 1) They all had moderate appetites.
45011 2) They all came from middle class homes.
45012 3) All but two of them were dead.
45014 The search for the perfect martini is a fraud. The perfect martini is
45015 a belt of gin from the bottle; anything else is the decadent trappings
45019 The second best policy is dishonesty.
45021 The Second Law of Thermodynamics:
45022 If you think things are in a mess now, just wait!
45025 The secret of happiness is total disregard of everybody.
45027 The secret of healthy hitchhiking is to eat junk food.
45029 The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that,
45030 you've got it made.
45033 The secret source of humor is not joy but sorrow;
45034 there is no humor in Heaven.
45037 The sendmail configuration file is one of those files that looks like someone
45038 beat their head on the keyboard. After working with it... I can see why!
45041 The seven eyes of Ningauble the Wizard floated back to his hood as he
45042 reported to Fafhrd: "I have seen much, yet cannot explain all. The Gray
45043 Mouser is exactly twenty-five feet below the deepest cellar in the palace
45044 of Gilpkerio Kistomerces. Even though twenty-four parts in twenty-five of
45045 him are dead, he is alive.
45046 Now about Lankhmar. She's been invaded, her walls breached
45047 everywhere and desperate fighting is going on in the streets, by a fierce
45048 host which out-numbers Lankhamar's inhabitants by fifty to one -- and
45049 equipped with all modern weapons. Yet you can save the city."
45050 "How?" demanded Fafhrd.
45051 Ningauble shrugged. "You're a hero. You should know."
45052 -- Fritz Leiber, "The Swords of Lankhmar"
45054 The seven year itch comes from fooling around during the fourth, fifth,
45057 The sheep died in the wool.
45059 The shifts of Fortune test the reliability of friends.
45060 -- Marcus Tullius Cicero
45062 The shortest distance between any two puns is a straight line.
45064 The shortest distance between two points is under construction.
45067 The Shuttle is now going five times the sound of speed.
45068 -- Dan Rather, first landing of Columbia
45070 The six great gifts of an Irish girl are beauty, soft
45071 voice, sweet speech, wisdom, needlework, and chastity.
45072 -- Theodore Roosevelt, 1907
45074 The sixth shiek's sixth sheep's sick.
45075 -- [just say that five times...]
45077 The sky is blue so we know where to stop mowing.
45078 -- Judge Harold T. Stone
45080 The smallest worm will turn being trodden on.
45081 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
45083 The smiling Spring comes in rejoicing,
45084 And surly Winter grimly flies.
45085 Now crystal clear are the falling waters,
45086 And bonnie blue are the sunny skies.
45087 Fresh o'er the mountains breaks forth the morning,
45088 The ev'ning gilds the oceans's swell:
45089 All creatures joy in the sun's returning,
45090 And I rejoice in my bonnie Bell.
45092 The flowery Spring leads sunny Summer,
45093 The yellow Autumn presses near;
45094 Then in his turn come gloomy Winter,
45095 Till smiling Spring again appear.
45096 Thus seasons dancing, life advancing,
45097 Old Time and Nature their changes tell;
45098 But never ranging, still unchanging,
45099 I adore my bonnie Bell.
45100 -- Robert Burns, "My Bonnie Bell"
45102 The so-called "desktop metaphor" of today's workstations is instead an
45103 "airplane-seat" metaphor. Anyone who has shuffled a lap full of papers
45104 while seated between two portly passengers will recognize the difference --
45105 one can see only a very few things at once.
45108 The so-called lessons of history are for the most part the
45109 rationalizations of the victors. History is written by the survivors.
45112 The society which scorns excellence in plumbing as a humble activity and
45113 tolerates shoddiness in philosophy because it is an exalted activity will
45114 have neither good plumbing nor good philosophy... neither its pipes nor
45115 its theories will hold water.
45117 The soldier came knocking upon the queen's door
45118 He said, "I am not fighting for you anymore"
45119 The queen knew she had seen his face someplace before
45120 And slowly she let him inside.
45122 He said, "I see you now, and you're so very young
45123 But I've seen more battles lost than I have battles won
45124 And I have this intuition that it's all for your fun
45125 And now will you tell me why?"
45126 -- Suzanne Vega, "The Queen and The Soldier"
45128 The solution of problems is the most characteristic
45129 and peculiar sort of voluntary thinking.
45132 The solution of this problem is trivial
45133 and is left as an exercise for the reader.
45135 The solution to a problem changes the nature of the problem.
45138 The somewhat old and crusty vicar was taking a well-earned retirement from
45139 his rather old and crusty parish. As is usual in these cases, a locum was
45140 sent to cover the transition period. This particular man was young and
45141 active, and had the strange notion that church should also be avtive and
45142 exciting. As a consequence he was more than a little dissapointed with the
45143 dull and tradition-bound church. He decided to do something about it.
45144 For his first Sunday, he didn't wear the traditional robes and
45145 vestments, but lead the service wearing a nice 2-piece suit. The congregation
45146 was horrified! He changed the order of the service. The congregation was
45147 horrified! Then came the children's lesson.
45148 For this he came out of the pulpit, and sat on the communion table.
45149 The congregation was mortified! He sat there swinging his legs against
45150 the table as the children gathered around him.
45151 He asked the children, "What's small, brown, furry and eats nuts?"
45152 There was total silence.
45153 He asked again, "What's small, brown, furry and eats nuts?"
45155 Eventually, one timid youngster put up his hand and said, "Please,
45156 sir, I know the answer is Jesus, but it sure sounds like a squirrel to me."
45158 The sooner all the animals are dead, the sooner we'll find their money.
45159 -- Ed Bluestone, The National Lampoon
45161 The sooner all the animals are extinct, the sooner we'll find their money.
45164 The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up.
45166 The soul would have no rainbow had the eyes no tears.
45168 The sounds of the nouns are mostly unbound.
45169 In town a noun might wear a gown,
45170 or further down, might dress a clown.
45171 A noun that's sound would never clown,
45172 but unsound nouns jump up and down.
45173 The sound of a noun could distrub the plowing,
45174 and then, my dear, you'd be put in the pound.
45175 But please don't let that get you down,
45176 the renown of your gown is the talk of the town.
45179 The Soviet Union, which has complained recently about alleged anti-Soviet
45180 themes in American advertising, lodged an official protest this week
45181 against the Ford Motor Company's new campaign: "Hey you stinking, fat
45182 Russian, get off my Ford Escort."
45185 The speed of anything depends on the flow of everything.
45187 The spirit of Plato dies hard. We have been unable to escape the
45188 philosophical tradition that what we can see and measure in the world
45189 is merely the superficial and imperfect representation of an underlying
45191 -- S.J. Gould, "The Mismeasure of Man"
45193 The star of riches is shining upon you.
45195 The startling truth finally became apparent, and it was this: Numbers
45196 written on restaurant checks within the confines of restaurants do not
45197 follow the same mathematical laws as numbers written on any other pieces
45198 of paper in any other parts of the Universe. This single statement took
45199 the scientific world by storm. So many mathematical conferences got held
45200 in such good restaurants that many of the finest minds of a generation
45201 died of obesity and heart failure, and the science of mathematics was put
45205 The state of innocence contains the germs of all future sin.
45206 -- Alexandre Arnoux, "Etudes et caprices"
45208 The steady state of disks is full.
45211 The story of the butterfly:
45212 "I was in Bogota and waiting for a lady friend. I was in love,
45213 a long time ago. I waited three days. I was hungry but could not go
45214 out for food, lest she come and I not be there to greet her. Then, on
45215 the third day, I heard a knock."
45216 "I hurried along the old passage and there, in the sunlight,
45217 there was nothing."
45218 "Just," Vance Joy said, "a butterfly, flying away."
45219 -- Peter Carey, BLISS
45221 The story you are about to hear is true.
45222 Only the names have been changed to protect the innocent.
45224 The street preacher looked so baffled
45225 When I asked him why he dressed
45226 With forty pounds of headlines
45227 Stapled to his chest.
45228 But he cursed me when I proved to him
45229 I said, "Not even you can hide.
45230 You see, you're just like me.
45231 I hope you're satisfied."
45234 The streets were dark with something more than night.
45235 -- Raymond Chandler
45237 The strong give up and move away, while the weak give up and stay.
45239 The strong give up and move on, while the weak give up and stay.
45241 The strong individual loves the earth so much he lusts for recurrence. He
45242 can smile in the face of the most terrible thought: meaningless, aimless
45243 existance recurring eternally. The second characteristic of such a man is
45244 that he has the strength to recognise -- and to live with the recognition --
45245 that the world is valueless in itself and that all values are human ones.
45246 He creates himself by fashoning his own values; he has the pride to live
45247 by the values he wills.
45250 The sudden sight of me causes panic in the streets. They have
45251 yet to learn - only the savage fears what he does not understand.
45252 -- The Silver Surfer
45254 The sum of the intelligence of the world is constant.
45255 The population is, of course, growing.
45257 The sun never sets on those who ride into it.
45260 The sun was shining on the sea,
45261 Shining with all his might:
45262 He did his very best to make
45263 The billows smooth and bright --
45264 And this was very odd, because it was
45265 The middle of the night.
45268 The sunlights differ, but there is only one darkness.
45269 -- Ursula K. LeGuin, "The Dispossessed"
45271 The superfluous is very necessary.
45274 The superior man understands what is right;
45275 the inferior man understands what will sell.
45278 The superpowers often behave like two heavily armed blind men feeling their
45279 way around a room, each believing himself in mortal peril from the other,
45280 whom he assumes to have perfect vision. Each tends to ascribe to the other
45281 side a consistency, forsight and coherence that its own experience belies.
45282 Of course, even two blind men can do enormous damage to each other, not to
45286 The Supreme Court does it with all deliberate speed.
45288 The surest sign that a man is in love is when he divorces his wife.
45290 The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher
45291 esteem those who think alike than those who think differently.
45294 The surest way to remain a winner is to
45295 win once, and then not play any more.
45297 The sweeter the apple, the blacker the core --
45298 Scratch a lover and find a foe!
45299 -- Dorothy Parker, "Ballad of a Great Weariness"
45301 The system was down for backups from 5am to 10am last Saturday.
45303 The system will be down for 10 days for preventative maintenance.
45305 The Tao doesn't take sides;
45306 it gives birth to both wins and losses.
45307 The Guru doesn't take sides;
45308 she welcomes both hackers and lusers.
45310 The Tao is like a stack:
45311 the data changes but not the structure.
45312 the more you use it, the deeper it becomes;
45313 the more you talk of it, the less you understand.
45315 Hold on to the root.
45317 The Tao is like a glob pattern:
45318 used but never used up.
45319 It is like the extern void:
45320 filled with infinite possibilities.
45322 It is masked but always present.
45323 I don't know who built to it.
45324 It came before the first kernel.
45326 The tao that can be tar(1)ed
45327 is not the entire Tao.
45328 The path that can be specified
45329 is not the Full Path.
45331 We declare the names
45332 of all variables and functions.
45333 Yet the Tao has no type specifier.
45335 Dynamically binding, you realize the magic.
45336 Statically binding, you see only the hierarchy.
45338 Yet magic and hierarchy
45339 arise from the same source,
45340 and this source has a null pointer.
45342 Reference the NULL within NULL,
45343 it is the gateway to all wizardry.
45345 The technician should never forget that he is an artist, the
45346 artist never that he is a technician.
45347 -- Poul Henningsen [1894-1967]
45349 The telephone is a good way to talk to people without having to offer
45351 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Interview"
45353 The temperature of Heaven can be rather accurately computed from available
45354 data. Our authority is Isaiah 30:26, "Moreover, the light of the Moon
45355 shall be as the light of the Sun and the light of the Sun shall be sevenfold,
45356 as the light of seven days." Thus Heaven receives from the Moon as much
45357 radiation as we do from the Sun, and in addition seven times seven (49) times
45358 as much as the Earth does from the Sun, or fifty times in all. The light we
45359 receive from the Moon is one ten-thousandth of the light we receive from the
45360 Sun, so we can ignore that. With these data we can compute the temperature
45361 of Heaven. The radiation falling on Heaven will heat it to the point where
45362 the heat lost by radiation is just equal to the heat received by radiation,
45363 i.e., Heaven loses fifty times as much heat as the Earth by radiation. Using
45364 the Stefan-Boltzmann law for radiation, (H/E)^4 = 50, where E is the absolute
45365 temperature of the earth (~300K), gives H as 798K (525C). The exact
45366 temperature of Hell cannot be computed, but it must be less than 444.6C, the
45367 temperature at which brimstone or sulphur changes from a liquid to a gas.
45368 Revelations 21:8 says "But the fearful, and unbelieving ... shall have their
45369 part in the lake which burneth with fire and brimstone." A lake of molten
45370 brimstone means that its temperature must be at or below the boiling point,
45371 or 444.6C (Above this point it would be a vapor, not a lake.) We have,
45372 then, that Heaven, at 525C is hotter than Hell at 445C.
45373 -- "Applied Optics", vol. 11, A14, 1972
45375 The temperature of the aqueous content of an unremittingly ogled
45376 culinary vessel will not achieve 100 degrees on the Celsius scale.
45378 The Ten Commandments for Technicians:
45379 1: Beware the lightening that lurketh in the undischarged
45380 capacitor, lest it cause thee to bounce upon thy buttocks in a
45381 most untechnician-like manner.
45383 7: Work thou not on energized equipment, for if thou dost, thy
45384 fellow workers will surely buy beers for thy widow and console
45387 The term "fire" brings up visions of violence and mayhem and the ugly scene
45388 of shooting employees who make mistakes. We will now refer to this process
45389 as "deleting" an employee (much as a file is deleted from a disk). The
45390 employee is simply there one instant, and gone the next. All the terrible
45391 temper tantrums, crying, and threats are eliminated.
45394 The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposed
45395 ideas in the mind at the same time and still retain the ability to function.
45396 -- F. Scott Fitzgerald
45398 The test of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts.
45401 The thing that takes up the least amount of time
45402 and causes the most amount of trouble is sex.
45404 The things that interest people most are usually none of their business.
45406 The Third Law of Photography:
45407 If you did manage to get any good shots, they will be ruined
45408 when someone inadvertently opens the darkroom door and all of
45409 the dark leaks out.
45411 The thought of being President fightens me and I do not think I
45413 -- Ronald Reagan in 1973
45415 Reagan won because he ran against Jimmy Carter. Had he run unopposed he
45419 Ronald Reagan is a triumph of the embalmer's art.
45422 Ronald Reagan's platform seems to be: Hey, I'm a big good-looking guy and
45423 I need a lot of sleep.
45424 -- Roy G. Blount, Jr.
45426 You've got to be careful quoting Ronald Reagan, because when you quote him
45427 accurately it's called mudslinging.
45430 The Thought Police are here. They've come
45431 To put you under cardiac arrest.
45432 And as they drag you through the door
45433 They tell you that you've failed the test.
45434 -- Buggles, "Living in the Plastic Age"
45436 The three best things about going to school are June, July, and August.
45438 The three biggest software lies:
45440 1: *Of course* we'll give you a copy of the source.
45441 2: *Of course* the third party vendor we bought that from
45442 will fix the microcode.
45443 3: Beta test site? No, *of course* you're not a beta test site.
45445 The three laws of thermodynamics:
45446 (1) You can't get anything without working for it.
45447 (2) The most you can accomplish by working is to break even.
45448 (3) You can only break even at absolute zero.
45450 THE THREE MOST COMMONLY-ASKED QUESTIONS AT DISNEYLAND:
45452 1) Where's the bathroom?
45453 2) What time does the parade start?
45454 3) Do you sell anything without that damn mouse on it?
45456 The three questions of greatest concern are -- 1. Is it attractive?
45457 2. Is it amusing? 3. Does it know its place?
45458 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life"
45460 The three rules of international air travel:
45462 (1) Never fly on Aeroflot if you can possibly avoid it (this used
45463 to be Braniff or Aeroflot).
45464 (2) Never bet a whole lot of money on two little pairs unless you
45465 know *exactly* what you're doing.
45466 (3) Never sleep with anyone whose troubles are worse than your own.
45468 The thrill is here, but it won't last long
45469 You'd better have your fun before it moves along...
45471 The time for action is past!
45472 Now is the time for senseless bickering.
45474 The time is right to make new friends.
45476 The time spent on any item of the agenda [of a finance
45477 committee] will be in inverse proportion to the sum involved.
45480 The time was the 19th of May, 1780. The place was Hartford, Connecticut.
45481 The day has gone down in New England history as a terrible foretaste of
45482 Judgement Day. For at noon the skies turned from blue to grey and by
45483 mid-afternoon had blackened over so densely that, in that religious age,
45484 men fell on their knees and begged a final blessing before the end came.
45485 The Connecticut House of Representatives was in session. And, as some of
45486 the men fell down and others clamored for an immediate adjournment, the
45487 Speaker of the House, one Col. Davenport, came to his feet. He silenced
45488 them and said these words: "The day of judgment is either approaching or
45489 it is not. If it is not, there is no cause for adjournment. If it is, I
45490 choose to be found doing my duty. I wish therefore that candles may be
45494 The tree in which the sap is stagnant remains fruitless.
45497 The Tree of Learning bears the noblest fruit, but noble fruit tastes bad.
45499 The tree of research must from time to time
45500 be refreshed with the blood of bean counters.
45503 The trouble is, there is an endless supply of White Men,
45504 but there has always been a limited number of Human Beings.
45507 The trouble with a lot of self-made men is that they worship their creator.
45509 The trouble with being poor is that it takes up all your time.
45511 The trouble with being punctual is that people
45512 think you have nothing more important to do.
45514 The trouble with computers is that they do
45515 what you tell them, not what you want.
45518 The trouble with doing something right the first
45519 time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
45521 The trouble with eating Italian food is that
45522 five or six days later you're hungry again.
45525 The trouble with heart disease is that the first
45526 symptom is often hard to deal with: death.
45529 The trouble with incest is that it gets you involved with relatives.
45530 -- George S. Kaufman
45532 The trouble with money is it costs too much!
45534 The trouble with opportunity is that it
45535 always comes disguised as hard work.
45536 -- Herbert V. Prochnow
45538 The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing --
45539 and then marry him.
45542 The trouble with some women is that they get
45543 all excited about nothing -- and then marry him.
45546 The trouble with telling a good story is that it invariably reminds
45547 the other fellow of a dull one.
45550 The trouble with the rat-race is that even if you win, you're still a rat.
45553 The trouble with this country is that there are too many politicians
45554 who believe, with a conviction based on experience, that you can fool
45555 all of the people all of the time.
45558 The trouble with you
45559 Is the trouble with me.
45561 But we still don't see.
45562 -- Robert Hunter, "Workingman's Dead"
45564 The true way goes over a rope which is not stretched at any great
45565 height but just above the ground. It seems more designed to make
45566 people stumble than to be walked upon.
45569 The truth about a man lies first and foremost in what he hides.
45572 The truth is rarely pure, and never simple.
45575 The truth of a proposition has nothing to do with its credibility.
45578 The truth of a thing is the feel of it, not the think of it.
45581 The Truth Shall Rape You Over.
45584 The truth you speak has no past and no future.
45585 It is, and that's all it needs to be.
45587 The turtle lives 'twixt plated decks
45588 Which practically conceal its sex.
45589 I think it clever of the turtle
45590 In such a fix to be so fertile.
45593 The two most beautiful words in the English language are "Cheque Enclosed."
45596 The two most common things in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
45598 The two most common things in the Universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
45601 The two oldest professions in the world have been ruined by amateurs.
45604 The two party system ... is a triumph of the dialectic. It showed that
45605 two could be one and one could be two and had probably been fabricated
45606 by Hegel for the American market on a subcontract from General Dynamics.
45609 The two things that can get you into trouble
45610 quicker than anything else are fast women and slow horses.
45612 The typewriting machine, when played with expression, is no more
45613 annoying than the piano when played by a sister or near relation.
45616 The, uh, snowy mountains are like really cold, eh?
45617 And the, um, plains stretch out like my moms girdle, eh?
45618 There's lotsa beers and doughnuts for everyone, eh?
45619 So the last one to be peaceful and everything is a big idiot,
45621 So shut yer face up and dry yer mucklucks by the fire, eh?
45622 And dream about girls with their high beams on, eh?
45623 They may be cold, but that's okay! Beer's better that way!
45625 -- A, like, Tribute to the Great White North, eh?
45628 The ultimate game show will be the one
45629 where somebody gets killed at the end.
45630 -- Chuck Barris, creator of "The Gong Show"
45632 The unfacts, did we have them, are too
45633 imprecisely few to warrant out certitude.
45635 The United States Army; 194 years of proud service, unhampered by progress.
45637 The universe is all a spin-off of the Big Bang.
45639 The universe is an island,
45640 surrounded by whatever it is that surrounds universes.
45642 The universe is laughing behind your back.
45644 The Universe is populated by stable things.
45647 The universe is ruled by letting things take their course.
45648 It cannot be ruled by interfering.
45651 The universe seems neither benign nor hostile, merely indifferent.
45654 The University of California Bears announced the signing of Reggie
45655 Philbin to a letter of intent to attend Cal next Fall. Philbin is
45656 said to make up for no talent by cheating well. Says Philbin of
45657 his decision to attend Cal, "I'm in it for the free ride."
45659 The University of California Statistics Department; where mean is normal,
45660 and deviation standard.
45662 The UNIX philosophy basically involves giving you enough rope to
45663 hang yourself. And then a couple of feet more, just to be sure.
45665 The urge to gamble is so universal and its practice so pleasurable
45666 that I assume it must be evil.
45669 The USA is so enormous, and so numerous are its schools, colleges and
45670 religious seminaries, many devoted to special religious beliefs ranging
45671 from the unorthodox to the dotty, that we can hardly wonder at its
45672 yielding a more bounteous harvest of gobbledegook than the rest of the
45673 world put together.
45674 -- Sir Peter Medawar
45676 The use of anthropomorphic terminology when dealing with computing systems
45677 is a symptom of professional immaturity.
45678 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
45680 The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be
45681 regarded as a criminal offence.
45682 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5
45684 The use of money is all the advantage there is to having money.
45687 The value of a program is proportional to the weight of its output.
45689 The very first essential for success is a perpetually
45690 constant and regular employment of violence.
45691 -- Adolph Hitler, "Mein Kampf"
45693 The very powerful and the very stupid have one thing in common. Instead of
45694 altering their views to fit the facts, they alter the facts to fit their
45695 views ... which can be very uncomfortable if you happen to be one of the
45696 facts that needs altering.
45697 -- Doctor Who, "Face of Evil"
45699 The very remembrance of my former misfortune proves a new one to me.
45700 -- Miguel de Cervantes
45702 The Vet Who Surprised A Cow
45703 In the course of his duties in August 1977, a Dutch veterinary
45704 surgeon was required to treat an ailing cow. To investigate its internal
45705 gases he inserted a tube into that end of the animal not capable of facial
45706 expression and struck a match. The jet of flame set fire first to some
45707 bales of hay and then to the whole farm causing damage estimate at L45,000.
45708 The vet was later fined L140 for starting a fire in a manner surprising to
45709 the magistrates. The cow escaped with shock.
45710 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
45712 The VFW represents many who died to give this country a second chance
45713 to make it what it is supposed to be -- God's guest house on earth.
45716 The volume of paper expands to fill the available briefcases.
45719 The voluptuous blond was chatting with her handsome escort in a posh
45720 restaurant when their waiter, stumbling as he brought their drinks,
45721 dumped a martini on the rocks down the back of the blonde's dress. She
45722 sprang to her feet with a wild rebel yell, dashed wildly around the table,
45723 then galloped wriggling from the room followed by her distraught boyfriend.
45724 A man seated on the other side of the room with a date of his own beckoned
45725 to the waiter and said, "We'll have two of whatever she was drinking."
45727 The wages of sin are unreported.
45729 The War on Drugs is just a small part of the War on the United States
45732 The warning message we sent the Russians was a
45733 calculated ambiguity that would be clearly understood.
45736 The water was not fit to drink.
45737 To make it palatable, we had to add whiskey.
45738 By diligent effort, I learned to like it.
45741 The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and
45742 incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks.
45745 The way of the world is to praise dead saints and prosecute live ones.
45748 The way some people find fault, you'd think there was some kind of reward.
45750 The way to a man's heart is through his
45751 wife's belly, and don't you forget it.
45752 -- Edward Albee, "Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?"
45754 The way to a man's heart is through the left ventricle.
45756 The way to a man's stomach is through his esophagus.
45758 The way to fight a woman is with your hat. Grab it and run.
45760 The way to love anything is to realize that it might be lost.
45762 The way to make a small fortune in the
45763 commodities market is to start with a large fortune.
45765 The weather is here. Wish you were beautiful.
45767 The weather is here, I wish you were beautiful.
45768 My thoughts aren't too clear, but don't run away.
45769 My girlfriend's a bore; my job is too dutiful.
45770 Hell nobody's perfect, would you like to play?
45771 I feel together today!
45772 -- Jimmy Buffet, "Coconut Telegraph"
45774 The weed of crime bears bitter fruit.
45776 The weed of crime bears bitter fruit...
45777 but the leaves are good to smoke!
45780 The white race is the cancer of history.
45783 The whole earth is in jail and we're plotting this incredible jailbreak.
45786 The whole of life is futile unless you
45787 consider it as a sporting proposition.
45789 The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always
45790 so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of doubts.
45791 -- Bertrand Russell
45793 The whole world is a scab. The point is to pick it constructively.
45796 The whole world is a tuxedo and you are a pair of brown shoes.
45799 The whole world is about three drinks behind.
45802 The wise and intelligent are coming belatedly to realize that alcohol, and
45803 not the dog, is man's best friend. Rover is taking a beating -- and he
45807 The wise man seeks everything in himself;
45808 the ignorant man tries to get everything from somebody else.
45810 The wise shepherd never trusts his flock to a smiling wolf.
45812 The woman hurried home from her doctor's appointment, devastated by the
45813 medical report she had just received. When her husband came in from work,
45814 she told him, "Darling, the doctor said I have only twelve more hours to
45815 live. So I've decided I want to go to bed and make passionate love to you
45816 throughout the night. How does that sound, dearest?"
45817 "Hey, that's fine for *you*," replied the husband. "You don't have
45818 to get up in the morning!"
45820 The wonderful thing about a dancing bear
45821 is not how well he dances, but that he dances at all.
45823 The work [of software development] is becoming far easier (i.e. the tools
45824 we're using work at a higher level, more removed from machine, peripheral
45825 and operating system imperatives) than it was twenty years ago, and because
45826 of this, knowledge of the internals of a system may become less accessible.
45827 We may be able to dig deeper holes, but unless we know how to build taller
45828 ladders, we had best hope that it does not rain much.
45831 The world has many unintentionally cruel mechanisms that are not
45832 designed for people who walk on their hands.
45833 -- John Irving, "The World According to Garp"
45835 The world is a comedy to those who think,
45836 and a tragedy to those who feel.
45839 The world is coming to an end... SAVE YOUR BUFFERS!!
45841 The world is coming to an end!
45842 Repent and return those library books!
45844 The world is full of people who have never, since
45845 childhood, met an open doorway with an open mind.
45848 The world is moving so fast these days that the man who says
45849 it can't be done is generally interrupted by someone doing it.
45852 The world is not octal despite DEC.
45854 The world is your exercise-book, the pages on which you do your sums.
45855 It is not reality, although you can express reality there if you wish.
45856 You are also free to write nonsense, or lies, or to tear the pages.
45857 -- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul
45859 The world needs more people like us and fewer like them.
45861 The world really isn't any worse.
45862 It's just that the news coverage is so much better.
45864 The world wants to be deceived.
45867 The world will end in 5 minutes. Please log out.
45869 The world's as ugly as sin,
45870 And almost as delightful
45871 -- Frederick Locker-Lampson
45873 The world's great men have not commonly been great scholars,
45874 nor its great scholars great men.
45875 -- Oliver Wendell Holmes
45877 The Worst American Poet
45878 Julia Moore, "the Sweet Singer of Michigan" (1847-1920) was so bad that
45879 Mark Twain said her first book gave him joy for 20 years.
45880 Her verse was mainly concerned with violent death -- the great fire
45881 of Chicago and the yellow fever epidemic proved natural subjects for her
45883 Whether death was by drowning, by fits or by runaway sleigh, the
45884 formula was the same:
45885 Have you heard of the dreadful fate
45886 Of Mr. P.P. Bliss and wife?
45887 Of their death I will relate,
45888 And also others lost their life
45889 (in the) Ashbula Bridge disaster,
45890 Where so many people died.
45891 Even if you started out reasonably healthy in one of Julia's poems,
45892 the chances are that after a few stanzas you would be at the bottom of a
45893 river or struck by lightning. A critic of the day said she was "worse than
45894 a Gatling gun" and in one slim volume counted 21 killed and 9 wounded.
45895 Incredibly, some newspapers were critical of her work, even
45896 suggesting that the sweet singer was "semi-literate". Her reply was
45897 forthright: "The Editors that has spoken in this scandalous manner have went
45898 beyond reason." She added that "literary work is very difficult to do".
45899 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
45901 THE WORST ANIMAL RESCUE
45903 During the firemen's strike of 1978, the British Army had taken over
45904 emergency firefighting and on 14 January they were called out by an
45905 elderly lady in South London to retrieve her cat which had become trapped
45906 up a tree. They arrived with impressive haste and soon discharged their
45907 duty. So grateful was the lady that she invited them all in for tea.
45908 Driving off later, with fond farewells completed, they ran over the cat
45910 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
45912 THE WORST BANK ROBBERY
45914 In August 1975 three men were on their way in to rob the Royal Bank of
45915 Scotland at Rothesay, when they got stuck in the revolving doors. They
45916 had to be helped free by the staff and, after thanking everyone,
45917 sheepishly left the building.
45918 A few minutes later they returned and announced their intention of
45919 robbing the bank, but none of the staff believed them. When they demanded
45920 5,000 pounds in cash, the head cashier laughed at them, convinced that it
45921 was a practical joke.
45922 Then one of the men jumped over the counter, but fell to the floor
45923 clutching his ankle. The other two tried to make their getaway, but got
45924 trapped in the revolving doors again.
45926 The Worst Car Hire Service
45927 When David Schwartz left university in 1972, he set up Rent-a-wreck
45928 as a joke. Being a natural prankster, he acquired a fleet of beat-up
45929 shabby, wreckages waiting for the scrap heap in California.
45930 He put on a cap and looked forward to watching people's faces as he
45931 conducted them round the choice of bumperless, dented junkmobiles.
45932 To his lasting surprise there was an insatiable demand for them and
45933 he now has 26 thriving branches all over America. "People like driving
45934 round in the worst cars available," he said. Of course they do.
45935 "If a driver damages the side of a car and is honest enough to
45936 admit it, I tell him, `Forget it'. If they bring a car back late we
45937 overlook it. If they've had a crash and it doesn't involve another vehicle
45938 we might overlook that too."
45939 "Where's the ashtray?" asked on Los Angeles wife, as she settled
45940 into the ripped interior. "Honey," said her husband, "the whole car's the
45942 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
45944 The worst cliques are those which consist of one man.
45947 THE WORST HOMING PIGEON
45949 This historic bird was released in Pembrokeshire in June 1953 and was
45950 expected to reach its base that evening. It was returned by post, dead,
45951 in a cardboard box eleven years later from Brazil.
45952 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
45954 The worst is enemy of the bad.
45956 The worst is not so long as we can say "This is the worst."
45960 A murder trial at Manitoba in February 1978 was well advanced, when
45961 one juror revealed that he was completely deaf and did not have the
45962 remotest clue what was happening.
45963 The judge, Mr. Justice Solomon, asked him if he had heard any
45964 evidence at all and, when there was no reply, dismissed him.
45965 The excitement which this caused was only equalled when a second
45966 juror revealed that he spoke not a word of English. A fluent French
45967 speaker, he exhibited great surprised when told, after two days, that he
45968 was hearing a murder trial.
45969 The trial was abandoned when a third juror said that he suffered
45970 from both conditions, being simultaneously unversed in the English language
45971 and nearly as deaf as the first juror.
45972 The judge ordered a retrial.
45973 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
45975 The Worst Lines of Verse
45976 For a start, we can rule out James Grainger's promising line:
45977 "Come, muse, let us sing of rats."
45978 Grainger (1721-67) did not have the courage of his convictions and deleted
45979 these words on discovering that his listeners dissolved into spontaneous
45980 laughter the instant they were read out.
45981 No such reluctance afflicted Adam Lindsay Gordon (1833-70) who was
45982 inspired by the subject of war.
45983 "Flash! flash! bang! bang! and we blazed away,
45984 And the grey roof reddened and rang;
45985 Flash! flash! and I felt his bullet flay
45986 The tip of my ear. Flash! bang!"
45987 By contrast, Cheshire cheese provoked John Armstrong (1709-79):
45988 "... that which Cestria sends, tenacious paste of solid milk..."
45989 While John Bidlake was guided by a compassion for vegetables:
45990 "The sluggard carrot sleeps his day in bed,
45991 The crippled pea alone that cannot stand."
45992 George Crabbe (1754-1832) wrote:
45993 "And I was ask'd and authorized to go
45994 To seek the firm of Clutterbuck and Co."
45995 William Balmford explored the possibilities of religious verse:
45996 "So 'tis with Christians, Nature being weak
45997 While in this world, are liable to leak."
45998 And William Wordsworth showed that he could do it if he really tried when
46000 "I've measured it from side to side;
46001 Tis three feet long and two feet wide."
46002 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
46004 The Worst Musical Trio
46005 There are few bad musicians who have a chance to give a recital at
46006 a famous concert hall while still learning the rudiments of their
46007 instrument. This happened about thirty years ago to the son of a Rumanian
46008 gentleman who was owed a personal favour by Georges Enesco, the celebrated
46009 violinist. Enesco agreed to give lessons to the son who was quite
46010 unhampered by great musical talent.
46011 Three years later the boy's father insisted that he give a public
46012 concert. "His aunt said that nobody plays the violin better than he does.
46013 A cousin heard him the other day and screamed with enthusiasm." Although
46014 Enesco feared the consequences, he arranged a recital at the Salle Gaveau
46015 in Paris. However, nobody bought a ticket since the soloist was unknown.
46016 "Then you must accompany him on the piano," said the boy's father,
46017 "and it will be a sell out."
46018 Reluctantly, Enesco agreed and it was. On the night an excited
46019 audience gathered. Before the concert began Enesco became nervous and
46020 asked for someone to turn his pages.
46021 In the audience was Alfred Cortot, the brilliant pianist, who
46022 volunteered and made his way to the stage.
46023 The soloist was of uniformly low standard and next morning the
46024 music critic of Le Figaro wrote: "There was a strange concert at the Salle
46025 Gaveau last night. The man whom we adore when he plays the violin played
46026 the piano. Another whom we adore when he plays the piano turned the pages.
46027 But the man who should have turned the pages played the violin."
46028 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
46030 The worst part of having success is trying
46031 to find someone who is happy for you.
46034 The worst part of valor is indiscretion.
46036 The Worst Prison Guards
46037 The largest number of convicts ever to escape simultaneously from a
46038 maximum security prison is 124. This record is held by Alcoente Prison,
46039 near Lisbon in Portugal.
46040 During the weeks leading up to the escape in July 1978 the prison
46041 warders had noticed that attendances had fallen at film shows which
46042 included "The Great Escape", and also that 220 knives and a huge quantity
46043 of electric cable had disappeared. A guard explained, "Yes, we were
46044 planning to look for them, but never got around to it." The warders had
46045 not, however, noticed the gaping holes in the wall because they were
46046 "covered with posters". Nor did they detect any of the spades, chisels,
46047 water hoses and electric drills amassed by the inmates in large quantities.
46048 The night before the breakout one guard had noticed that of the 36
46049 prisoners in his block only 13 were present. He said this was "normal"
46050 because inmates sometimes missed roll-call or hid, but usually came back
46052 "We only found out about the escape at 6:30 the next morning when
46053 one of the prisoners told us," a warder said later. [...] When they
46054 eventually checked, the prison guards found that exactly half of the gaol's
46055 population was missing. By way of explanation the Justice Minister, Dr.
46056 Santos Pais, claimed that the escape was "normal" and part of the
46057 "legitimate desire of the prisoner to regain his liberty."
46058 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
46060 The worst sin towards our fellow creatures is not to hate them,
46061 but to be indifferent to them; that's the essence of inhumanity.
46064 The worst thing about some men is that when they are not drunk they
46066 -- William Butler Yeats
46068 The worst thing one can do is not to try, to be aware of what one
46069 wants and not give in to it, to spend years in silent hurt wondering
46070 if something could have materialized -- and never knowing.
46073 The Wright Bothers weren't the first to fly.
46074 They were just the first not to crash.
46076 The yankees, son, are up north.
46077 The damnyankees are down here.
46079 The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of
46080 four and eighteen. At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all
46083 The young Georgia miss came to the hospital for a checkup.
46084 "Have you been X-rayed?" asked the doctor.
46085 "Nope," she said, "but ah've been ultraviolated."
46087 The young lady had an unusual list,
46088 Linked in part to a structural weakness.
46089 She set no preconditions.
46091 The young man-about-town enjoyed luxury but didn't always have the means
46092 to buy it, and so he huffily walked out of the Miami Beach hotel when he
46093 found out the charges for room, meals and golf privileges were $300 a day.
46094 He registered across the street at an equally elegant hotel, where the
46095 rates were only $70. The following morning he went down to the hotel's
46096 golf course and asked Scotty, the pro, to sell him a couple of golf balls.
46097 "Sure," said Scotty. "That'll be $25 apiece."
46098 "What?" screamed the bachelor. "In the hotel across the street
46099 they only charge $1 a ball!"
46100 "Naturally," replied the pro. "Over there they get you by the
46103 THEGODDESSOFTHENETHASTWISTINGFINGERSANDHERVOICEISLIKEAJAVALININTHENIGHTDUDE
46105 Their idea of an offer you can't refuse is an offer...
46106 and you'd better not refuse.
46110 Then, gently touching my face, she hesitated for a moment as her
46111 incredible eyes poured forth into mine love, joy, pain, tragedy,
46112 acceptance, and peace. "'Bye for now," she said warmly.
46113 -- Thea Alexander, "2150 A.D."
46115 Then there was LSD, which was supposed to make you think you could fly.
46116 I remember it made you think you couldn't stand up, and mostly it was
46120 Then there was the Formosan bartender named Taiwan-On.
46122 Then there was the ScoutMaster who got a fantastic deal on this case of
46123 Tates brand compasses for his troup; only $1.25 each! Only problem was,
46124 when they got them out in the woods, the compasses were all stuck pointing
46125 to the "W" on the dial.
46128 He who has a Tates is lost!
46130 "Then you admit confirming not denying you ever said that?"
46131 "NO! ... I mean Yes! WHAT?"
46132 "I'll put `maybe.'"
46135 Theology is an attempt to explain a subject by men who do not understand
46136 it. The intent is not to tell the truth but to satisfy the questioner.
46139 Theorem: a cat has nine tails.
46141 No cat has eight tails. A cat has one tail more than no cat.
46142 Therefore, a cat has nine tails.
46144 Theorem: All positive integers are equal.
46145 Proof: Sufficient to show that for any two positive integers, A and B, A = B.
46146 Further, it is sufficient to show that for all N > 0, if A and B
46147 (positive integers) satisfy (MAX(A, B) = N) then A = B.
46149 Proceed by induction:
46150 If N = 1, then A and B, being positive integers, must both be 1.
46153 Assume that the theorem is true for some value k. Take A and B with
46154 MAX(A, B) = k+1. Then MAX((A-1), (B-1)) = k. And hence
46155 (A-1) = (B-1). Consequently, A = B.
46157 Theorem: All programs are dull.
46159 Proof: Assume the contrary; i.e., the set of interesting programs is
46160 nonempty. Arrange them (or it) in order of interest (note that all
46161 sets can be well ordered, so do it properly). The minimal element is
46162 the "least interesting program", the obvious dullness of which provides
46163 the contradictory denouement we so devoutly seek.
46164 -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
46167 System of ideas meant to explain something, chosen with a view to
46168 originality, controversialism, incomprehensibility, and how good
46169 it will look in print.
46171 Theory is gray, but the golden tree of life is green.
46174 Theory of Selective Supervision:
46175 The one time in the day that you lean back and relax is
46176 the one time the boss walks through the office.
46178 There appears before you a threatening figure clad all over in heavy black
46179 armor. His legs seem like the massive trunk of the oak tree. His broad
46180 shoulders and helmeted head loom high over your own puny frame and you
46181 realize that his powerful arms could easily crush the very life from your
46182 body. There hangs from his belt a veritable arsenal of deadly weapons:
46183 sword, mace, ball and chain, dagger, lance, and trident.
46184 He speaks with a commanding voice:
46186 "YOU SHALL NOT PASS"
46188 As he grabs you by the neck all grows dim about you.
46190 There appears to be irrefutable evidence that
46191 the mere fact of overcrowding induces violence.
46194 There are a few things that never go out of style,
46195 and a feminine woman is one of them.
46198 There are a lot of lies going around.... and half of them are true.
46199 -- Winston Churchill
46201 There are bad times just around the corner,
46202 There are dark clouds hurtling through the sky
46203 And it's no good whining
46204 About a silver lining
46205 For we know from experience that they won't roll by...
46208 There are few people more often in the wrong
46209 than those who cannot endure to be thought so.
46211 There are few virtues that the Poles do not possess --
46212 and there are few mistakes they have ever avoided.
46213 -- W. Churchill, Parliament, August, 1945
46215 There are four kinds of homicide: felonious,
46216 excusable, justifiable, and praiseworthy...
46219 There are four stages to a marriage. First there's the affair, then there's
46220 the marriage, then children and finally the fourth stage, without which you
46221 cannot know a woman, the divorce.
46224 There are in this country two very large monopolies. The larger of the
46225 two has the following record: The Vietnam War, Watergate, double-digit
46226 inflation, fuel and energy shortages, bankrupt airlines, and the 8-cent
46227 postcard. The second is responsible for such things as the transistor,
46228 the solar cell, lasers, synthetic crystals, high fidelity stereo recording,
46229 sound motion pictures, radio astronomy, negative feedback, magnetic tape,
46230 magnetic "bubbles", electronic switching systems, microwave radio and TV
46231 relay systems, information theory, the first electrical digital computer,
46232 and the first communications satellite. Guess which one is going to tell
46233 the other how to run the telephone business? I can hardly wait for the
46236 There are many intelligent species in
46237 the universe, and they all own cats.
46239 There are many of us in this old world of ours who hold that things break
46240 about even for all of us. I have observed, for example, that we all get
46241 about the same amount of ice. The rich get it in the summer and the poor
46242 get it in the winter.
46245 There are many people today who literally do not have a close personal
46246 friend. They may know something that we don't. They are probably
46247 avoiding a great deal of pain.
46249 There are more dead people than living, and their numbers are increasing.
46252 There are more old drunkards than old doctors.
46254 There are more things in heaven and earth than any place else.
46256 There are more things in heaven and earth,
46257 Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy.
46260 There are more ways of killing a cat than choking her with cream.
46262 There are never any bugs you haven't found yet.
46264 There are new messages.
46266 There are no accidents whatsoever in the universe.
46269 There are no answers, only cross-references.
46272 There are no emotional victims, only volunteers.
46274 There are no great men, buster. There are only men.
46275 -- Elaine Stewart, "The Bad and the Beautiful"
46277 There are no great men, only great challenges that
46278 ordinary men are forced by circumstances to meet.
46279 -- Admiral William Halsey
46281 There are no manifestos like cannon and musketry.
46282 -- The Duke of Wellington
46284 There are no physicists in the hottest parts of hell, because the existence
46285 of a "hottest part" implies a temperature difference, and any marginally
46286 competent physicist would immediately use this to run a heat engine and make
46287 some other part of hell comfortably cool. This is obviously impossible.
46288 -- Richard Davisson
46290 There are no rules for March. March is spring, sort
46291 of, usually, March means maybe, but don't bet on it.
46293 There are no winners in life, only survivors.
46295 There are only two kinds of men -- the dead and the deadly.
46298 There are only two kinds of tequila. Good and better.
46300 There are only two things in this world that I am sure of, death and
46301 taxes, and we just might do something about death one of these days.
46304 There are people so addicted to exaggeration
46305 that they can't tell the truth without lying.
46308 There are people who find it odd to eat four or five Chinese meals
46309 in a row; in China, I often remind them, there are a billion or so
46310 people who find nothing odd about it.
46313 There are places I'll remember
46314 All my life though some have changed.
46315 Some forever not for better
46316 Some have gone and some remain.
46317 All these places had their moments
46318 With lovers and friends I still recall.
46319 Some are dead and some are living,
46320 In my life I've loved them all.
46322 But of all these friends and lovers,
46323 There is no one compared with you,
46324 All these memories lose their meaning
46325 When I think of love as something new.
46326 Though I know I'll never lose affection
46327 For people and things that went before,
46328 I know I'll often stop and think about them
46329 In my life I'll love you more.
46330 -- Lennon/McCartney, "In My Life", 1965
46332 There are running jobs.
46333 Why don't you go chase them?
46335 There are some micro-organisms that exhibit characteristics of both
46336 plants and animals. When exposed to light they undergo photosynthesis;
46337 and when the lights go out, they turn into animals. But then again,
46340 There are strange things done in the midnight sun
46341 By the men who moil for gold;
46342 The Arctic trails have their secret tales
46343 That would make your blood run cold;
46344 The Northern Lights have seen queer sights,
46345 But the queerest they ever did see
46346 Was that night on the marge of Lake Lebarge
46347 I cremated Sam McGee.
46348 -- Robert W. Service
46350 There are ten or twenty basic truths, and life
46351 is the process of discovering them over and over and over.
46354 There are those who claim that magic is like the tide; that it swells and
46355 fades over the surface of the earth, collecting in concentrated pools here
46356 and there, almost disappearing from other spots, leaving them parched for
46357 wonder. There are also those who believe that if you stick your fingers up
46358 your nose and blow, it will increase your intelligence.
46359 -- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Volume VII
46361 "There are those who claim that magic is like the tide; that it swells and
46362 fades over the surface of the earth, collecting in concentrated pools here
46363 and there, almost disappearing from other spots, leaving them parched for
46364 wonder. There are also those who believe that if you stick your fingers up
46365 your nose and blow, it will increase your intelligence."
46366 -- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Volume VII
46368 There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies and statistics.
46369 -- Benjamin Disraeli
46371 There are three kinds of people: men, women, and unix.
46373 There are three possibilities:
46374 Pioneer's solar panel has turned away from the sun;
46375 there's a large meteor blocking transmission;
46376 someone loaded Star Trek 3.2 into our video processor.
46378 There are three possible parts to a date, of which at least two must be
46379 offered: entertainment, food, and affection. It is customary to begin a
46380 series of dates with a great deal of entertainment, a moderate amount of
46381 food, and the merest suggestion of affection. As the amount of affection
46382 increases, the entertainment can be reduced proportionately. When the
46383 affection IS the entertainment, we no longer call it dating. Under no
46384 circumstances can the food be omitted.
46385 -- Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behaviour
46387 There are three reasons for becoming a writer: the first is that you need
46388 the money; the second that you have something to say that you think the
46389 world should know; the third is that you can't think what to do with the
46390 long winter evenings.
46393 There are three rules for writing a novel.
46394 Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.
46397 There are three schools of magic. One: State a tautology, then ring the
46398 changes on its corollaries; that's philosophy. Two: Record many facts.
46399 Try to find a pattern. Then make a wrong guess at the next fact; that's
46400 science. Three: Be aware that you live in a malevolent Universe controlled
46401 by Murphy's Law, sometimes offset by Brewster's Factor; that's engineering.
46403 There are three things I always forget. Names, faces -- the third I
46407 There are three things I have always loved
46408 and never understood -- art, music, and women.
46410 There are three things men can do with women:
46411 love them, suffer for them, or turn them into literature.
46414 There are three ways to get something done:
46417 2: Hire someone to do it for you.
46418 3: Forbid your kids to do it.
46420 There are three ways to get something done:
46421 do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it.
46423 There are twenty-five people left in the world,
46424 and twenty-seven of them are hamburgers.
46427 There are two jazz musicians who are great buddies. They hang out and play
46428 together for years, virtually inseparable. Unfortunately, one of them is
46429 struck by a truck and killed. About a week later his friend wakes up in
46430 the middle of the night with a start because he can feel a presence in the
46431 room. He calls out, "Who's there? Who's there? What's going on?"
46432 "It's me -- Bob," replies a faraway voice.
46433 Excitedly he sits up in bed. "Bob! Bob! Is that you? Where are
46435 "Well," says the voice, "I'm in heaven now."
46436 "Heaven! You're in heaven! That's wonderful! What's it like?"
46437 "It's great, man. I gotta tell you, I'm jamming up here every day.
46438 I'm playing with Bird, and 'Trane, and Count Basie drops in all the time!
46439 Man it is smokin'!"
46440 "Oh, wow!" says his friend. "That sounds fantastic, tell me more,
46442 "Let me put it this way," continues the voice. "There's good news
46443 and bad news. The good news is that these guys are in top form. I mean
46444 I have *never* heard them sound better. They are *wailing* up here."
46445 "The bad news is that God has this girlfriend that sings..."
46447 There are two kinds of fool. One says, "This is old, and therefore good."
46448 And one says "This is new, and therefore better."
46449 -- John Brunner, "The Shockwave Rider"
46451 There are two kinds of fool. One says, "This is old, and therefore good."
46452 And one says, "This is new, and therefore better"
46453 -- John Brunner, "The Shockwave Rider"
46455 There are two kinds of pedestrians... the quick and the dead.
46456 -- Lord Thomas Rober Dewar
46458 There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX.
46459 We don't believe this to be a coincidence.
46460 -- Jeremy S. Anderson
46462 There are two problems with a major hangover. You feel
46463 like you are going to die and you're afraid that you won't.
46465 There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman -- before
46466 marriage and after marriage.
46468 There are two ways of constructing a software design. One way is to make
46469 it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies and the other is to
46470 make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies.
46473 There are two ways of disliking art.
46474 One is to dislike it.
46475 The other is to like it rationally.
46478 There are two ways of disliking poetry;
46479 one way is to dislike it, the other is to read Pope.
46482 There are two ways to write error-free
46483 programs; only the third one works.
46485 There are very few personal problems that cannot be
46486 solved through a suitable application of high explosives.
46488 There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening
46489 with an insurance salesman?
46492 There be sober men a'plenty, and drunkards barely twenty; there are men
46493 of over ninety who have never yet kissed a girl. But give me the rambling
46494 rover, from Orkney down to Dover, we will roam the whole world over, and
46495 together we'll face the world.
46496 -- Andy Stewart, "After the Hush"
46498 There but for the grace of God, goes God.
46499 -- Winston Churchill, speaking of Sir Stafford Cripps.
46501 There can be no daily democracy without daily citizenship.
46504 There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.
46507 There comes a time in the affairs of a man when he
46508 has to take the bull by the tail and face the situation.
46511 There comes a time to stop being angry.
46512 -- A Small Circle of Friends
46514 There exist tasks which cannot be done
46515 by more than 10 men or fewer than 100.
46518 There goes the good time that was had by all.
46519 -- Bette Davis, remarking on a passing starlet
46521 There has also been some work to allow the interesting use of macro names.
46522 For example, if you wanted all of your "creat()" calls to include read
46523 permissions for everyone, you could say
46525 #define creat(file, mode) creat(file, mode | 0444)
46527 I would recommend against this kind of thing in general, since it
46528 hides the changed semantics of "creat()" in a macro, potentially far away
46530 To allow this use of macros, the preprocessor uses a process that
46531 is worth describing, if for no other reason than that we get to use one of
46532 the more amusing terms introduced into the C lexicon. While a macro is
46533 being expanded, it is temporarily undefined, and any recurrence of the macro
46534 name is "painted blue" -- I kid you not, this is the official terminology
46535 -- so that in future scans of the text the macro will not be expanded
46536 recursively. (I do not know why the color blue was chosen; I'm sure it
46537 was the result of a long debate, spread over several meetings.)
46538 -- From Ken Arnold's "C Advisor" column in Unix Review
46540 There has been a little distress selling on the stock exchange.
46541 -- Thomas W. Lamont, October 29, 1929
46543 There has been an alarming increase in the
46544 number of things you know nothing about.
46546 There is a 20% chance of tomorrow.
46548 There is a building with four floors. On the first floor, there
46549 is a convention of architects. On the second floor, there is a
46550 vinyl manufacturing plant. On the third floor there is a fast food
46551 stand, and on the fourth floor there is a library.
46553 Q: What would happen if a librarian traveled down in a small
46554 elevator with one other person from each floor?
46555 A: The elevator would be full.
46557 There is a certain frame of mind to which a cemetery
46558 is, if not an antidote, at least an alleviation. If
46559 you are in a fit of the blues, go nowhere else.
46560 -- Robert Louis Stevenson: Immortelles
46562 There is a certain impertinence in allowing oneself to be burned for an
46566 There is a fly on your nose.
46568 There is a good deal of solemn cant about the common interests of capital
46569 and labour. As matters stand, their only common interest is that of cutting
46570 each other's throat.
46571 -- Brooks Atkinson, "Once Around the Sun"
46573 There is a great discovery still to be made in Literature:
46574 that of paying literary men by the quantity they do NOT write.
46576 There is a green, multi-legged creature crawling on your shoulder.
46578 There is a limit to the admiration we may hold for a man who spends
46579 his waking hours poking the contents of chickens with a stick.
46580 -- Tom Robbins, "Jitterbug Perfume"
46582 There is a new anti-communist organization that advocates the use of
46583 wooden toilet seats.
46585 It's called the Birch John Society.
46587 There is a road to freedom. Its milestones are Obedience, Endeavor, Honesty,
46588 Order, Cleanliness, Sobriety, Truthfulness, Sacrifice, and love of the
46592 There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly
46593 what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear
46594 and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There
46595 is another theory which states that this has already happened.
46596 -- The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
46598 There is a time in the tides of men,
46599 Which, taken at its flood, leads on to success.
46600 On the other hand, don't count on it.
46603 There is a vast difference between the savage and civilized man, but it
46604 is never apparent to their wives until after breakfast.
46607 There is always more hell that needs raising.
46610 There is always one thing to remember: writers are always selling
46612 -- Joan Didion, "Slouching Towards Bethlehem"
46614 There is always someone worse off than yourself.
46616 There is always something new out of Africa.
46617 -- Gaius Plinius Secundus
46619 There is an innocence in admiration; it is found in those to whom it
46620 has not yet occurred that they, too, might be admired some day.
46621 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
46623 There is an old time toast which is golden for its beauty.
46624 "When you ascend the hill of prosperity may you not meet a friend."
46627 There is brutality and there is honesty.
46628 There is no such thing as brutal honesty.
46630 There is grandeur in this view of life, with its several powers,
46631 having been originally breathed into a few forms or into one; and that,
46632 whilst this planet has gone cycling on according to the fixed law of
46633 gravity, from so simple a beginning endless forms most beautiful and
46634 most wonderful have been, and are being, evolved.
46637 There is hardly a thing in the world that some man can
46638 not make a little worse and sell a little cheaper.
46640 There is hopeful symbolism in the fact that flags do not wave in a vacuum.
46641 -- Arthur C. Clarke
46643 There is in certain living souls
46644 A quality of loneliness unspeakable,
46645 So great it must be shared
46646 As company is shared by lesser beings.
46647 Such a loneliness is mine; so know by this
46649 There is one lonelier than you.
46651 There is, in fact, no reason to believe that any given natural phenomenon,
46652 however marvelous it may seem today, will remain forever inexplicable.
46653 Soon or late the laws governing the production of life itself will be
46654 discovered in the laboratory, and man may set up business as a creator
46655 on his own account. The thing, indeed, is not only conceivable; it is
46656 even highly probable.
46657 -- H.L. Mencken, 1930
46659 There is is no reason for any individual to have a computer in their home.
46660 -- Ken Olsen (President of Digital Equipment Corporation),
46661 Convention of the World Future Society, in Boston, 1977
46663 There is Jackson standing like a stone wall. Let us determine to die,
46664 and we will conquer. Follow me.
46665 -- General Barnard E. Bee (CSA)
46667 There is more simplicity in a man who eats caviar on impulse than in a
46668 man who eats Grapenuts on principle.
46671 There is more simplicity in the man who eats caviar on impulse than in the
46672 man who eats Grap-Nuts on principle.
46675 There is more to life than increasing its speed.
46678 There is more to life than increasing its speed.
46679 -- Mohandis K. Gandhi
46681 There is much Obi-Wan did not tell you.
46684 There is never enough time to do it right the first time, but there is
46685 always enough time to do it over.
46687 There is never time to do it right, but always time to do it over.
46689 There is no act of treachery or mean-ness of which a political party
46690 is not capable; for in politics there is no honour.
46691 -- Benjamin Disraeli, "Vivian Grey"
46693 There is no bad taste. There is only good taste, and that is bad.
46694 -- Poul Henningsen [1894-1967]
46696 There is no better way of exercising the imagination than the study of law.
46697 No poet ever interpreted nature as freely as a lawyer interprets truth.
46698 -- Jean Giraudoux, "Tiger at the Gates"
46700 There is no better way to exercise the imagination than the study of the law.
46701 No artist ever interpreted nature as freely as a lawyer interprets the truth.
46704 "There is no choice before us. Either we must Succeed in providing
46705 the rational coordination of impulses and guts, or for centuries
46706 civilization will sink into a mere welter of minor excitements.
46707 We must provide a Great Age or see the collapse of the upward
46708 striving of the human race"
46709 -- Alfred North Whitehead
46711 There is no comfort without pain; thus
46712 we define salvation through suffering.
46715 There is no cure for birth and death other than to enjoy the interval.
46716 -- George Santayana
46718 There is no delight the equal of dread.
46719 As long as it is somebody else's.
46722 There is no distinction between any AI program and some existent game.
46724 There is no distinctly native American criminal class except Congress.
46727 There is no doubt that my lawyer is honest. For example, when he
46728 filed his income tax return last year, he declared half of his salary
46729 as 'unearned income.'
46732 There is no education that is not political. An apolitical
46733 education is also political because it is purposely isolating.
46735 There is no Father Christmas. It's just a marketing ploy to make low income
46736 parents' lives a misery. ... I want you to picture the trusting face of a
46737 child, streaked with tears because of what you just said. I want you to
46738 picture the face of its mother, because one week's dole won't pay for one
46739 Master of the Universe Battlecruiser!
46740 -- Filthy Rich and Catflap
46742 There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear.
46744 There is no fool to the old fool.
46747 There is no future in time travel.
46749 There is no grief which time does not lessen and soften.
46751 There is no hunting like the hunting of man, and those who have hunted
46752 armed men long enough and liked it, never care for anything else thereafter.
46753 -- Ernest Hemingway
46755 There is no likelihood man can ever tap the power of the atom.
46756 -- Robert Millikan, Nobel Prize in Physics, 1923
46758 There is no ox so dumb as the orthodox.
46759 -- George Francis Gillette
46761 There is no point in waiting.
46762 The train stopped running years ago.
46763 All the schedules, the brochures,
46764 The bright-colored posters full of lies,
46765 Promise rides to a distant country
46766 That no longer exists.
46768 There is no proverb that is not true.
46771 There is no realizable power that man cannot, in time, fashion the tools
46772 to attain, nor any power so secure that the naked ape will not abuse it.
46773 So it is written in the genetic cards -- only physics and war hold him in
46774 check. And also the wife who wants him home by five, of course.
46775 -- Encyclopadia Apocryphia, 1990 ed.
46777 There is no royal road to geometry.
46780 There is no sadder sight than a young pessimist.
46782 There is no security on this earth. There is only opportunity.
46783 -- General Douglas MacArthur
46785 There is no sin but ignorance.
46786 -- Christopher Marlowe
46788 There is no sincerer love than the love of food.
46789 -- George Bernard Shaw
46791 There is no statute of limitations on stupidity.
46793 There is no substitute for good manners, except, perhaps, fast reflexes.
46795 There *is* no such thing as a civil engineer.
46797 There is no such thing as a free lunch.
46799 There is no such thing as a problem without a gift for you in its hands.
46801 There is no such thing as an ugly woman -- there are only
46802 the ones who do not know how to make themselves attractive.
46805 There is no such thing as inner peace. There is only nervousness or death.
46806 Any attempt to prove otherwise constitutes unacceptable behaviour.
46807 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life"
46809 There is no such thing as pure pleasure;
46810 some anxiety always goes with it.
46812 There is no time like the pleasant.
46814 There is no time like the present
46815 for postponing what you ought to be doing.
46817 There is not a man in the country that can't make a living for himself and
46818 family. But he can't make a living for them *and* his government, too,
46819 the way his government is living. What the government has got to do is
46820 live as cheap as the people.
46821 -- The Best of Will Rogers
46823 There is not much to choose between a woman who deceives
46824 us for another, and a woman who deceives another for ourselves.
46827 There is not opinion so absurd that some philosopher will not express it.
46828 -- Marcus Tullius Cicero, "Ad familiares"
46830 There is nothing more exhilarating than to be shot at without result.
46833 There is nothing more silly than a silly laugh.
46834 -- Gaius Valerius Catullus
46836 There is nothing new except what has been forgotten.
46837 -- Marie Antoinette
46839 There is nothing so easy but that it becomes difficult
46840 when you do it reluctantly.
46841 -- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence)
46843 There is nothing stranger in a strange land than the stranger who
46846 There is nothing which cannot be answered by means of my doctrine," said
46847 a monk, coming into a teahouse where Nasrudin sat.
46848 "And yet just a short time ago, I was challenged by a scholar with
46849 an unanswerable question," said Nasrudin.
46850 "I could have answered it if I had been there."
46851 "Very well. He asked, 'Why are you breaking into my house in
46852 the middle of the night?'"
46854 There is nothing wrong with abstinence, in moderation.
46856 There is nothing wrong with writing ... as long as it
46857 is done in private and you wash your hands afterward.
46859 There is one difference between a tax collector and
46860 a taxidermist -- the taxidermist leaves the hide.
46863 There is one way to find out if a man is honest -- ask him. If he says
46864 "Yes" you know he is crooked.
46867 There is only one thing in the world worse than being
46868 talked about, and that is not being talked about.
46871 There is only one way to be happy by means of the heart -- to have none.
46874 There is only one way to console a widow. But remember the risk.
46877 There is only one way to kill capitalism --
46878 by taxes, taxes, and more taxes.
46881 There is only one word for aid that is genuinely without strings,
46882 and that word is blackmail.
46885 There is perhaps in every thing of any consequence, secret history, which
46886 it would be amusing to know, could we have it authentically communicated.
46889 There is plenty of time before progress goes too far.
46890 -- Poul Henningsen [1894-1967]
46892 There is something fascinating about science. One gets such wholesale
46893 returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact.
46896 There is something in the pang of change
46897 More than the heart can bear,
46898 Unhappiness remembering happiness.
46901 There is very little future in being right when your boss is wrong.
46903 There isn't room enough in this dress for both of us!
46905 There may be said to be two classes of people in the world; those who
46906 constantly divide the people of the world into two classes and those
46910 There must be at least 500,000,000 rats in the United
46911 States; of course, I never heard the story before.
46913 There must be more to life than having everything.
46916 There never was a good war or a bad peace.
46919 There once was a king who ruled his country long, wisely, and well. The
46920 king had a son whom he hoped would someday rule the land. He also wished
46921 in his heart that the son ould be wise and compassionate. One day he said
46923 "If you promised that you would give a certain women anything, even
46924 half of your kingdom, and then she demanded the life of your best friend,
46925 what would your decision be, my son?"
46926 The young prince thought for a moment and then said, "I would tell
46927 her that she was my best friend, and cut her head off."
46928 The king knew that his son would be a great king.
46930 There once was a king who ruled his country long, wisely, and well. The
46931 king had a son whom he hoped would someday rule the land. He also wished
46932 in his heart that the son ould be wise and compassionate. One day he said
46934 "If you promised that you would give a certain women anything, even
46935 half of your kingdom, and then she demanded the life of your best friend,
46936 what would your decision be, my son?"
46937 The young prince thought for a moment and then said, "I would tell
46938 her that the life of my best friend did not lie in the half of the kingdom
46939 that I had promised."
46940 The king knew that his son would be a great king.
46942 There seems no plan because it is all plan.
46945 There was a boy called Eustace Clarence Scrubb, and he almost deserved it."
46946 -- C.S. Lewis, "The Chronicles of Narnia"
46948 There was a little girl
46949 Who had a little curl
46950 Right in the middle of her forehead.
46951 When she was good, she was very, very good
46952 And when she was bad, she was very, very popular.
46953 -- Max Miller, "The Max Miller Blue Book"
46955 There was a man who enjoyed playing golf, and could occasionallly put up
46956 with taking in a round with his wife. One time (with his wife along) he
46957 was having an extremely bad round. On the 12th hole, he sliced a drive
46958 over by a grounds-keepers' shack. Although he did not have a clear shot
46959 to the green, his wife noticed that there were two doors on the shack,
46960 and there was a possibility that, if both doors were opened, he might be
46961 able to hit through. Without hesitation, he instructed his wife to go
46962 around to the other side and open the far door. Sure enough, this gave
46963 him a clear path to the green. He stepped up to his ball and prepared
46964 to hit. His wife had been standing by the far door waiting for him to
46965 hit through. After a moment, she became curious and stuck her head in
46966 the doorway, to see what he was doing. At that exact moment, the husband
46967 cracked a three-wood that hit his wife square on the forehead, killing
46968 her instantly. A few weeks later, the man was playing a round at the same
46969 course, this time with a friend of his. Once again on the 12th hole, he
46970 sliced his drive to the shack. His friend suggested that he might be able
46971 to hit through, if he was to open both doors.
46972 "Nah", replied the man, "Last time I did that I took a 7".
46974 There was a phone call for you.
46976 There was a plane crash over mid-ocean, and only three survivors were
46977 left in the life-raft: the Pope, the President, and Mayor Daley.
46978 Unfortunately, it was a one-man life-raft, and quickly sinking, so
46979 they started debating who should be allowed to stay. The Pope pointed
46980 out that he was the spiritual leader of millions all over the world,
46981 the President explained that if he died then America would be stuck
46982 with the Vice-President, and so forth. Then Mayor Daley said, "Look!
46983 We're not solving anything like this! The only fair thing to do is
46984 to vote on it." So they did, and Mayor Daley won by 97 votes.
46986 There was a writer in 'Life' magazine ... who claimed that rabbits have
46987 no memory, which is one of their defensive mechanisms. If they recalled
46988 every close shave they had in the course of just an hour life would become
46992 There was a young man from Brazil,
46993 And a lady who'd not take the pill,
46994 They lay on the sofa,
46995 And a
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46996 n~po_
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46999 There was a young man from LeDoux,
47000 Whose limericks stopped at line two.
47002 There was a young man from Verdunne.
47004 [Actually, there are three limericks in this series, the third one
47005 is about some guy named Nero. If anyone has a copy of it, please
47006 mail it to "fortune". Ed.]
47008 There was an old Indian belief that by making love on the hide of
47009 their favorite animal, one could guarantee the health and prosperity
47010 of the offspring conceived thereupon. And so it goes that one Indian
47011 couple made love on a buffalo hide. Nine months later, they were
47012 blessed with a healthy baby son. Yet another couple huddled together
47013 on the hide of a deer and they too were blessed with a very healthy
47014 baby son. But a third couple, whose favorite animal was a hippopotamus,
47015 were blessed with not one, but TWO very healthy baby sons at the conclusion
47016 of the nine month interval. All of which proves the old theorem that:
47017 The sons of the squaw of the hippopotamus are equal to the sons of
47018 the squaws of the other two hides.
47020 There was, it appeared, a mysterious rite of initiation through which,
47021 in one way or another, almost every member of the team passed. The term
47022 that the old hands used for this rite -- West invented the term, not the
47023 practice -- was `signing up.' By signing up for the project you agreed
47024 to do whatever was necessary for success. You agreed to forsake, if
47025 necessary, family, hobbies, and friends -- if you had any of these left
47026 (and you might not, if you had signed up too many times before).
47027 -- Tracy Kidder, "The Soul of a New Machine"
47029 There was this New Yorker that had a lifelong ambition to be an Texan.
47030 Fortunately, he had an Texan friend and went to him for advice. "Mike,
47031 you know I've always wanted to be a Texan. You're a *real* Texan, what
47033 "Well," answered Mike, "The first thing you've got to do is look
47034 like a Texan. That means you have to dress right. The second thing
47035 you've got to do is speak in a southern drawl."
47036 "Thanks, Mike, I'll give it a try," replied the New Yorker.
47037 A few weeks passed and the New Yorker saunters into a store dressed
47038 in a ten-gallon hat, cowboy boots, Levi jeans and a bandanna. "Hey, there,
47039 pardner, I'd like some beef, not too rare, and some of them fresh biscuits,"
47040 he tells the counterman.
47041 The guy behind the counter takes a long look at him and then says,
47042 "You must be from New York."
47043 The New Yorker blushes, and says, "Well, yes, I am. How did
47045 "Because this is a hardware store."
47047 There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when
47048 the boss asks for a lift home from office.
47050 There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when
47051 the boss asks for a lift home from the office.
47053 There will be big changes for you but you will be happy.
47055 There will be sex after death, we just won't be able to feel it.
47058 Therefore it is necessary to learn how not to be good, and to use
47059 this knowledge and not use it, according to the necessity of the cause.
47062 There's a couple of million dollars worth of baseball talent on the loose,
47063 ready for the big leagues, yet unsigned by any major league. There are
47064 pitchers who would win 20 games a season ... and outfielders [who] could
47065 hit .350, infielders who could win recognition as stars, and there's at
47066 least one catcher who at this writing is probably superior to Bill Dickey,
47067 Josh Gibson. Only one thing is keeping them out of the big leagues, the
47068 pigmentation of their skin. They happen to be colored.
47069 -- Shirley Povich, 1941
47071 There's a fine line between courage and foolishness. Too bad it's not
47074 There's a fine line between courage and foolishness.
47075 Too bad it's not a fence.
47077 There's a lesson that I need to remember
47078 When everything is falling apart
47079 In life, just like in loving
47080 There's such a thing as trying to hard
47083 Like you don't need the money
47084 Love like you'll never get hurt
47086 Like nobody's watching
47087 It's gotta come from the heart
47088 If you want it to work.
47091 There's a lot to be said for not saying a lot.
47093 There's a man deeply in debt, see, and he takes the money he has left
47094 and goes to Monte Carlo to try to recoup at the roulette tables. Won a
47095 little, lost a lot, and was down to his last franc. Prayed for help.
47096 A voice whispered in his ear: "Le rouge..." Man looked around; nobody
47097 there. What the hell -- he puts his last franc on the red, and it won.
47098 The voice immediately said, "Encore le rouge..." Played red again, and
47099 it won again. The voice said, "Impair..." Played odd, and it won. Voice
47100 said, "Quinze..." so he put all the money on 15, and it won. This went
47101 on for hours, the voice telling him what to bet, and the man putting all
47102 his money on what the voice said, and winning. Finally when the voice
47103 spoke, the man protested that he'd won millions of dollars and wanted to
47104 quit. The voice was inexorable: "Douze..." The man put the money on 12,
47105 and 11 came up -- he had lost everything -- the voice murmured "Merde!!"
47107 There's a thrill in store for all for we're about to toast
47108 The corporation that we represent.
47109 We're here to cheer each pioneer and also proudly boast,
47110 Of that man of men our sterling president
47111 The name of T.J. Watson means
47112 A courage none can stem
47113 And we feel honored to be here to toast the IBM.
47114 -- Ever Onward, from the 1940 IBM Songbook
47116 There's a trick to the Graceful Exit. It begins with the vision to
47117 recognize when a job, a life stage, a relationship is over -- and to
47118 let go. It means leaving what's over without denying its validity
47119 or its past importance in our lives. It involves a sense of future,
47120 a belief that every exit line is an entry, that we are moving on,
47121 rather than out. The trick of retiring well may be the trick of
47122 living well. It's hard to recognize that life isn't a holding
47123 action, but a process. It's hard to learn that we don't leave the
47124 best parts of ourselves behind, back in the dugout or the office.
47125 We own what we learned back there. The experiences and the growth
47126 are grafted onto our lives. And when we exit, we can take ourselves
47127 along -- quite gracefully.
47130 There's a whole WORLD in a mud puddle!
47133 There's always free cheese in a mouse trap.
47135 There's always free cheese in a mousetrap.
47137 There's an old proverb that says just about whatever you want it to.
47139 There's been no top authority saying what marijuana does to you. I really
47140 don't know that much about it. I tried it once but it didn't do anything
47144 There's been no top authority saying what marijuana does to you.
47145 I really don't know that much about it. I tried it once but it
47146 didn't do anything to me.
47149 There's got to be more to life than compile-and-go.
47151 There's just something I don't like about Virginia; the state.
47153 There's little in taking or giving,
47154 There's little in water or wine:
47155 This living, this living, this living,
47156 Was never a project of mine.
47157 Oh, hard is the struggle, and sparse is
47158 The gain of the one at the top,
47159 For art is a form of catharsis,
47160 And love is a permanent flop,
47161 And work is the provence of cattle,
47162 And rest's for a clam in a shell,
47163 So I'm thinking of throwing the battle --
47164 Would you kindly direct me to hell?
47167 There's no future in time travel.
47169 There's no heavier burden than a great potential.
47171 There's no justice in this world.
47172 -- Frank Costello, on the prosecution of "Lucky" Luciano by
47173 New York district attorney Thomas Dewey after Luciano had
47174 saved Dewey from assassination by Dutch Schultz (by ordering
47175 the assassination of Schultz instead)
47177 There's no point in being grown up if you can't be childish sometimes.
47180 There's no room in the drug world for amateurs.
47183 There's no saint like a reformed sinner.
47185 There's no sense in being precise when you don't even know
47186 what you're talking about.
47187 -- John von Neumann
47189 There's no such thing as a free lunch.
47190 -- Milton Friendman
47192 There's no such thing as an original sin.
47195 There's no such thing as pure pleasure; some anxiety always goes with it.
47197 There's no time like the pleasant.
47199 There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government
47203 There's no use being precise about something
47204 when you don't even know what you're talking about.
47205 -- John von Neumann
47207 There's no use in having a dog and doing your own barking.
47209 There's nothing in the middle of the road but yellow stripes and dead
47211 -- Jim Hightower, Texas Agricultural Commissioner
47213 There's nothing like a girl with a plunging
47214 neckline to keep a man on his toes.
47216 There's nothing like a good does of another woman to make a man appreciate
47218 -- Clare Booth Luce
47220 There's nothing like good food, good wine, and a bad girl.
47222 There's nothing like the face of a kid eating a Hershey bar.
47224 There's nothing remarkable about it. All one has to do is hit the right
47225 keys at the right time and the instrument plays itself.
47228 There's nothing to writing. All you do is sit at a typewriter
47232 There's nothing very mysterious about you, except that
47233 nobody really knows your origin, purpose, or destination.
47235 There's nothing worse for your business than
47236 extra Santa Clauses smoking in the men's room.
47239 There's nothing wrong with teenagers that
47240 reasoning with them won't aggravate.
47242 There's one consolation about matrimony. When you look around you can
47243 always see somebody who did worse.
47244 -- Warren H. Goldsmith
47246 There's one fool at least in every married couple.
47248 There's only one everything.
47250 There's only one way to have a happy marriage
47251 and as soon as I learn what it is I'll get married again.
47254 There's small choice in rotten apples.
47255 -- William Shakespeare, "The Taming of the Shrew"
47257 There's so much plastic in this culture that
47258 vinyl leopard skin is becoming an endangered synthetic.
47261 There's so much to say but your eyes keep interrupting me.
47263 There's something different about us -- different from people of Europe,
47264 Africa, Asia ... a deep and abiding belief in the Easter Bunny.
47267 There's something the technicians need to learn from the artists.
47268 If it isn't aesthetically pleasing, it's probably wrong.
47270 There's such a thing as too much point on a pencil.
47271 -- H. Allen Smith, "Let the Crabgrass Grow"
47273 There's too much beauty upon this earth for lonely men to bear.
47274 -- Richard Le Gallienne
47276 These activities have their own rules and methods
47277 of concealment which seek to mislead and obscure.
47278 -- Dwight D. Eisenhower, 1960
47280 These days the necessities of life cost you about three times what
47281 they used to, and half the time they aren't even fit to drink.
47283 They also serve who only stand and wait.
47286 They also surf who only stand on waves.
47288 They are called computers simply because computation is
47289 the only significant job that has so far been given to them.
47291 They are cold-blooded. They are completely ruthless about protecting
47292 what they have. The only thing they connect to is the money aspect of
47293 life. Let's face it: That's the American way.
47294 -- Jeffery M. Johnson, regional chairman of the District
47295 of Columbia United Way, speaking of drug dealers.
47297 They are ill discoverers that think there is no land,
47298 when they can see nothing but sea.
47301 They are relatively good but absolutely terrible.
47302 -- Alan Kay, commenting on Apollos
47304 They call them "squares" because it's the
47305 most complicated shape they can deal with.
47307 They can't stop us... we're on a mission from God!
47308 -- The Blues Brothers
47310 They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist...
47311 -- Civil War General John Sedgwick, his last
47312 words, Battle of Spotsylvania Court House, 1864
47314 They [District Attorneys] learn in District Attorney School that there
47315 are two sure-fire ways to get a lot of favorable publicity:
47317 (1) Go down and raid all the lockers in the local high school and confiscate
47318 53 marijuana cigarettes and put them in a pile and hold a press
47319 conference where you announce that they have a street value of $850
47320 million. These raids never fail, because ALL high schools, including
47321 brand-new, never-used ones, have at least 53 marijuana cigarettes in
47322 the lockers. As far as anyone can tell, the locker factory puts them
47324 (2) Raid an "adult book store" and hold a press conference where you announce
47325 you are charging the owner with 850 counts of being a piece of human
47326 sleaze. This also never fails, because you always get a conviction.
47327 A juror at a pornography trial is not about to state for the record
47328 that he finds nothing obscene about a movie where actors engage in
47329 sexual activities with live snakes and a fire extinguisher. He is
47330 going to convict the bookstore owner, and vote for the death penalty
47331 just to make sure nobody gets the wrong impression.
47332 -- Dave Barry, "Pornography"
47334 They don't know how the world is shaped. And so they give it a shape, and
47335 try to make everything fit it. They separate the right from the left, the
47336 man from the woman, the plant from the animal, the sun from the moon. They
47337 only want to count to two.
47338 -- Emma Bull, "Bone Dance"
47340 They don't suffer. They can't even speak English.
47341 -- George F. Baer, answering a reporter's
47342 question about the suffering of starving miners.
47344 They finally got King Midas, I hear. Gild by association.
47346 They have been at a great feast of languages, and stolen the scraps.
47347 -- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost"
47349 They just buzzed and buzzed...buzzed.
47351 They say it's the responsibility of the media to look at government --
47352 especially the president -- with a microscope. I don't argue with that,
47353 but when they use a proctoscope, it's going too far.
47356 They seem to have learned the habit of cowering before authority even when
47357 not actually threatened. How very nice for authority. I decided not to
47358 learn this particular lesson.
47359 -- Richard Stallman
47361 They sentenced me to twenty years of boredom for trying to change the
47362 system from within. I'm coming now I'm coming to reward them. First
47363 we take Manhattan, then we take Berlin.
47365 I'm guided by a signal in the heavens. I'm guided by this birthmark on
47366 my skin. I'm guided by the beauty of our weapons. First we take Manhattan,
47367 then we take Berlin.
47369 I'd really like to live beside you, baby. I love your body and your spirit
47370 and your clothes. But you see that line there moving throug the station?
47371 I told you I told you I told you I was one of those.
47372 -- Leonard Cohen, "First We Take Manhattan"
47374 They spell it Vinci and pronounce it Vinchy.
47375 Foreigners always spell better than they pronounce.
47378 They told me you had proven it When they discovered our results
47379 About a month before. Their hair began to curl
47380 The proof was valid, more or less Instead of understanding it
47381 But rather less than more. We'd run the thing through PRL.
47383 He sent them word that we would try Don't tell a soul about all this
47384 To pass where they had failed For it must ever be
47385 And after we were done, to them A secret, kept from all the rest
47386 The new proof would be mailed. Between yourself and me.
47388 My notion was to start again
47389 Ignoring all they'd done
47390 We quickly turned it into code
47391 To see if it would run.
47393 They told me you had proven it
47394 About a month before.
47395 The proof was valid, more or less He sent them word that we would try
47396 But rather less than more. To pass where they had failed
47397 And after we were done, to them
47398 The new proof would be mailed.
47399 My notion was to start again
47400 Ignoring all they'd done
47401 We quickly turned it into code When they discovered our results
47402 To see if it would run. Their hair began to curl
47403 Instead of understanding it
47404 We'd run the thing through PRL.
47405 Don't tell a soul about all this
47406 For it must ever be
47407 A secret, kept from all the rest
47408 Between yourself and me.
47410 They took some of the Van Goghs, most
47411 of the jewels, and all of the Chivas!
47413 They Tore Out My Heart and Stomped That Sucker Flat
47414 -- Book title by Lewis Grizzard
47416 They use different words for things in America.
47417 For instance they say elevator and we say lift.
47418 They say drapes and we say curtains.
47419 They say president and we say brain damaged git.
47422 They went rushing down that freeway,
47423 Messed around and got lost.
47424 They didn't care... they were just dying to get off,
47425 And it was life in the fast lane.
47426 -- Eagles, "Life in the Fast Lane"
47428 They will only cause the lower classes to move about needlessly.
47429 -- The Duke of Wellington, on early steam railroads.
47431 They wouldn't listen to the fact that I was a genius,
47432 The man said "We got all that we can use",
47433 So I've got those steadily-depressin', low-down, mind-messin',
47434 Working-at-the-car-wash blues.
47437 They're an insidious bunch, your killer pianos. Had one get loose on me
47438 back in '62. It slipped out of the cables while we were lowering it out
47439 of its twelfth story apartment, and crushed six innocents in an insane bid
47443 They're giving bank robbing a bad name.
47444 -- John Dillinger, on Bonnie and Clyde
47446 They're just jealous because they don't have three
47447 wise men and a virgin in the whole organization.
47448 -- Mayor Vincent J. `Buddy' Cianci, on the
47449 ACLU's suit to have a city nativity scene removed.
47451 They're only trying to make me LOOK paranoid!
47453 Thieves respect property; they merely wish the property to become
47454 their property that they may more perfectly respect it.
47455 -- G.K. Chesterton, "The Man Who Was Thursday"
47457 Things are more like they are today than they ever were before.
47458 -- Dwight Eisenhower
47460 Things are more like they used to be than they are new.
47462 Things are not always what they seem.
47465 Things equal to nothing else are equal to each other.
47467 Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold.
47469 Things past redress and now with me past care.
47470 -- William Shakespeare, "Richard II"
47472 Things will be bright in P.M.
47473 A cop will shine a light in your face.
47475 Things will get better despite our efforts to improve them.
47478 Things worth having are worth cheating for.
47481 Pollute the Mississippi.
47483 Think honk if you're a telepath.
47485 Think lucky. If you fall in a pond, check your pockets for fish.
47488 Think of it! With VLSI we can pack 100 ENIACs in 1 sq. cm.!
47490 Think of your family tonight.
47491 Try to crawl home after the computer crashes.
47496 Think twice before speaking, but don't say "think think click click".
47498 Thinking you know something is a sure way to blind yourself.
47499 -- Frank Herbert, "Chapterhouse: Dune"
47501 Thinks't thou existence doth depend on time?
47502 It doth; but actions are our epochs; mine
47503 Have made my days and nights imperishable,
47504 Endless, and all alike, as sands on the shore,
47505 Innumerable atoms; and one desert,
47506 Barren and cold, on which the wild waves break,
47507 But nothing rests, save carcasses and wrecks,
47508 Rocks, and the salt-surf weeds of bitterness.
47510 Thirteen at a table is unlucky only
47511 when the hostess has only twelve chops.
47514 Thirty white horses on a red hill,
47517 Then they stand still.
47520 This ae nighte, this ae nighte,
47521 Everye nighte and alle,
47522 Fire and sleet and candlelyte,
47523 And Christe receive thy saule.
47524 -- The Lykewake Dirge
47526 This "brain-damaged" epithet is getting sorely overworked. When we can
47527 speak of someone or something being flawed, impaired, marred, spoiled;
47528 batty, bedlamite, bonkers, buggy, cracked, crazed, cuckoo, daft, demented,
47529 deranged, loco, lunatic, mad, maniac, mindless, non compos mentis, nuts,
47530 Reaganite, screwy, teched, unbalanced, unsound, witless, wrong; senseless,
47531 spastic, spasmodic, convulsive; doped, spaced-out, stoned, zonked; {beef,
47532 beetle,block,dung,thick}headed, dense, doltish, dull, duncical, numskulled,
47533 pinhead; asinine, fatuous, foolish, silly, simple; brute, lumbering, oafish;
47534 half-assed, incompetent; backward, retarded, imbecilic, moronic; when we have
47535 a whole precisely nuanced vocabulary of intellectual abuse to draw upon,
47536 individually and in combination, isn't it a little <fill in the blank> to be
47537 limited to a single, now quite trite, adjective?
47539 This door is baroquen, please wiggle Handel.
47540 (If I wiggle Handel, will it wiggle Bach?)
47541 -- Found on a door in the MSU music building
47543 This dungeon is owned and operated by Frobazz Magic Co., Ltd.
47545 This file will self-destruct in five minutes.
47547 This fortune cookie program out of order. For those in desperate
47548 need, please use the program "randchar". This program generates
47549 random characters, and, given enough time, will undoubtedly come
47550 up with something profound. It will, however, take it no time at
47551 all to be more profound than THIS program has ever been.
47553 This fortune intentionally not included.
47555 This fortune intentionally says nothing.
47557 This fortune is dedicated to your mother, without whose
47558 invaluable assistance last night would never have been possible.
47560 This fortune is encrypted -- get your decoder rings ready!
47562 This fortune is inoperative. Please try another.
47564 This fortune soaks up 47 times its own weight in excess memory.
47566 This fortune was brought to you by the people at Hewlett-Packard.
47568 This fortune would be seven words long if it were six words shorter.
47570 This generation doesn't have emotional baggage.
47571 We have emotional moving vans.
47574 This guy runs into his house and yells to his wife, "Kathy, pack up your
47575 bags! I just won the California lottery!"
47576 "Honey!", Kathy exclaims, "Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?"
47577 "I don't care," responds the husband. "just so long as you're out
47578 of the house by dinner!"
47580 This is a country where people are free to practice their religion,
47581 regardless of race, creed, color, obesity, or number of dangling keys...
47583 This is a good time to punt work.
47585 This is a test of the emergency broadcast system.
47586 Had there been an actual emergency, then you would no longer be here.
47588 This is Betty Frenel. I don't know who to call but I can't reach my
47589 Food-a-holics partner. I'm at Vido's on my second pizza with sausage
47590 and mushroom. Jim, come and get me!
47592 This is clearly another case of too many mad scientists,
47593 and not enough hunchbacks.
47595 This is for all ill-treated fellows
47596 Unborn and unbegot,
47597 For them to read when they're in trouble
47601 This is Jim Rockford.
47602 At the tone leave your name and message; I'll get back to you.
\a
47604 This is Maria, Liberty Bail Bonds. Your client, Todd Lieman, skipped and
47605 his bail is forfeit. That's the pink slip on your '74 Firebird, I believe.
47606 Sorry, Jim, bring it on over.
47608 This is Marilyn Reed, I wanta talk to you... Is this a machine?
47609 I don't talk to machines! [Click]
47611 This is National Non-Dairy Creamer Week.
47613 This is NOT a repeat.
47615 This is not the age of pamphleteers. It is the age of the engineers. The
47616 spark-gap is mightier than the pen. Democracy will not be salvaged by men
47617 who talk fluently, debate forcefully and quote aptly.
47618 -- Lancelot Hogben, Science for the Citizen, 1938
47620 This is supposed to be a happy occasion.
47621 Let's not BICKER and ARGUE over who killed who!
47623 This is the Baron. Angel Martin tells me you buy information. Ok,
47624 meet me at one a.m. behind the bus depot, bring five-hundred dollars
47625 and come alone. I'm serious!
47627 This is the first age that's paid much attention to the future,
47628 which is a little ironic since we may not have one.
47631 This is the first numerical problem I ever did. It demonstrates the
47632 power of computers:
47634 Enter lots of data on calorie & nutritive content of foods. Instruct the
47635 thing to maximize a function describing nutritive content, with a minimum
47636 level of each component, for fixed caloric content. The results are that
47637 one should eat each day:
47641 1 glass of skim milk
47642 27 heads of lettuce.
47643 -- Rev. Adrian Melott
47645 This is the sort of English up with which I will not put.
47646 -- Winston Churchill
47648 This is the theory that Jack built.
47649 This is the flaw that lay in the theory that Jack built.
47650 This is the palpable verbal haze that hid the flaw that lay in...
47652 This is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.
47653 And now you know why.
47655 This is the way the world ends,
47656 This is the way the world ends,
47657 This is the way the world ends,
47658 Not with a bang but with a whimper.
47659 -- T.S. Eliot, "The Hollow Men"
47661 This isn't right. This isn't even wrong.
47662 -- Wolfgang Pauli, on a colleague's paper
47664 This isn't true in practice -- what we've missed out is Stradivarius's
47665 constant. And then the aside: "For those of you who don't know, that's
47666 been called by others the fiddle factor..."
47667 -- From a 1B Electrical Engineering lecture.
47669 This land is my land, and only my land,
47670 I've got a shotgun, and you ain't got one,
47671 If you don't get off, I'll blow your head off,
47672 This land is private property.
47673 -- Apologies to Woody Guthrie
47675 This life is a test. It is only a test. Had this been an
47676 actual life, you would have received further instructions as
47677 to what to do and where to go.
47679 This life is yours. Some of it was given
47680 to you; the rest, you made yourself.
47682 This login session: $13.76, but for you $11.88.
47684 This login session: $13.99
47686 This must be morning. I never could get the hang of mornings.
47688 This night methinks is but the daylight sick.
47689 -- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"
47691 This novel is not to be tossed lightly aside, but to be hurled with
47695 This one is for all you military types. For those who don't know, Rangers
47696 are *extremely* well trained members of the U.S. Army. Marines are people
47697 who start out as normal soldiers and then are made to believe that bullets
47698 don't actually hurt.
47699 One day a platoon of Marines are on patrol when they come upon a
47700 Ranger relaxing on top of a small hill. The Ranger puts his hands on his
47701 hips and screams out, "Do any of you seaweed sucking jarheads think you're
47702 man enough to take me on?"
47703 The biggest Marine comes running up the hill, screaming back at the
47704 Ranger. When he gets to the top he simply plows into his foe and the two
47705 tumble down the other side of the hill, out of sight. There is the sound of
47706 a horrendous fight for a moment or two, and then all is quiet. Soon, the
47707 Ranger reappears, quite untouched. He puts his hands on his hips and sneers,
47708 "Well, looks to me like one of you couldn't do it, how about the rest?"
47709 The enraged Marine platoon leader sends his entire platoon (30+men)
47710 charging after the Ranger. They all go tumbling down the far side of the hill.
47711 After 15 minutes of screaming and yelling and cursing a lone, bloodied Marine
47712 crawls over the top of the hill. The platoon leader yells up to his man,
47713 "What's going on up there?" The wounded Marine, with his last bit of breath,
47714 replies, "Sir, it's a... a trap, sir. They're two of them!"
47716 This place just isn't big enough for all of us. We've
47717 got to find a way off this planet.
47719 This planet has -- or rather had -- a problem, which was this: most of
47720 the people living on it were unhappy for pretty much of the time. Many
47721 solutions were suggested for this problem, but most of these were
47722 largely concerned with the movements of small green pieces of paper,
47723 which is odd because on the whole it wasn't the small green pieces of
47724 paper that were unhappy.
47727 This process can check if this value is zero, and if it is, it does
47728 something child-like.
47729 -- Forbes Burkowski, CS, University of Washington
47731 This product is meant for educational purposes only. Any resemblance to real
47732 persons, living or dead is purely coincidental. Void where prohibited. Some
47733 assembly may be required. Batteries not included. Contents may settle during
47734 shipment. Use only as directed. May be too intense for some viewers. If
47735 condition persists, consult your physician. No user-serviceable parts inside.
47736 Breaking seal constitutes acceptance of agreement. Not responsible for direct,
47737 indirect, incidental or consequential damages resulting from any defect, error
47738 or failure to perform. Slippery when wet. For office use only. Substantial
47739 penalty for early withdrawal. Do not write below this line. Your cancelled
47740 check is your receipt. Avoid contact with skin. Employees and their families
47741 are not eligible. Beware of dog. Driver does not carry cash. Limited time
47742 offer, call now to insure prompt delivery. Use only in well-ventilated area.
47743 Keep away from fire or flame. Some equipment shown is optional. Price does
47744 not include taxes, dealer prep, or delivery. Penalty for private use. Call
47745 toll free before digging. Some of the trademarks mentioned in this product
47746 appear for identification purposes only. All models over 18 years of age. Do
47747 not use while operating a motor vehicle or heavy equipment. Postage will be
47748 paid by addressee. Apply only to affected area. One size fits all. Many
47749 suitcases look alike. Edited for television. No solicitors. Reproduction
47750 strictly prohibited. Restaurant package, not for resale. Objects in mirror
47751 are closer than they appear. Decision of judges is final. This supersedes
47752 all previous notices. No other warranty expressed or implied.
47754 This sad little lizard told me that he was a brontosaurus on his
47755 mother's side. I did not laugh; people who boast of ancestry
47756 often have little else to sustain them. Humoring them costs nothing and
47757 adds happiness in a world in which happiness is always in short supply.
47760 This screen intentionally left blank.
47762 This sentence does in fact not have the property it claims not to have.
47764 This sentence no verb.
47766 This system will self-destruct in five minutes.
47768 This thing all things devours:
47769 Birds, beasts, trees, flowers;
47770 Gnaws iron, bites steel;
47771 Grinds hard stones to meal;
47772 Slays king, ruins town,
47773 And beats high mountain down.
47775 This unit... must... survive.
47777 This universe shipped by weight, not by volume. Some expansion of the
47778 contents may have occurred during shipment.
47780 This was a Golden Age, a time of high adventure, rich living, and hard
47781 dying... but nobody thought so. This was a future of fortune and theft,
47782 pillage and rapine, culture and vice... but nobody admitted it.
47783 -- Alfred Bester, "The Stars My Destination"
47785 This was the most unkindest cut of all.
47786 -- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar"
47788 This wasn't just plain terrible, this was fancy terrible.
47789 This was terrible with raisins in it.
47792 This week only, all our fiber-fill jackets are marked down!
47794 This will be a memorable month -- no matter how hard you try to forget it.
47796 This yuppie, see, was in a car wreck. His BMW was mangled, and so was he.
47797 The paramedic was leaning over him getting his vitals, and all the yup
47798 could groan was "My BMW! My BMW!"
47799 The paramedic tried to quiet the man, pointing out that his car
47800 wasn't his chief concern at the moment, especially as he'd been rearranged
47801 pretty badly himself -- for example, his left arm was severed at the elbow
47802 and was lying about twenty feet away.
47803 There was a moment of stunned silence from the yup followed by
47804 "Oh no! My Rolex! My Rolex!"
47806 Those lovable Brits department:
47807 They also have trouble pronouncing `vitamin'.
47809 Those of you who think you know everything
47810 are annoying those of us who do.
47812 Those of you who think you know it all upset those of us who do.
47814 Those parts of the system that you can hit with a hammer (not advised)
47815 are called hardware; those program instructions that you can only curse
47816 at are called software.
47817 -- Levitating Trains and Kamikaze Genes: Technological
47818 Literacy for the 1990's.
47820 Those who are mentally and emotionally healthy are those who have
47821 learned when to say yes, when to say no and when to say whoopee.
47824 Those who believe in astrology are living in houses with foundations of
47828 Those who can, do; those who can't, simulate.
47830 Those who can, do; those who can't, write.
47831 Those who can't write work for the Bell Labs Record.
47833 Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.
47834 -- George Santayana
47836 Those who can't write, write manuals.
47838 Those who claim the dead never return
47839 to life haven't ever been around here at quitting time.
47841 Those who do not do politics will be done in by politics.
47843 Those who do not understand Unix are condemned to reinvent it, poorly.
47846 Those who do things in a noble spirit of
47847 self-sacrifice are to be avoided at all costs.
47850 Those who educate children well are more to be honored than
47851 parents, for these only gave life, those the art of living well.
47854 Those who have had no share in the good fortunes of the mighty
47855 Often have a share in their misfortunes.
47856 -- Bertolt Brecht, "The Caucasian Chalk Circle"
47858 Those who have some means think that the most important thing in the
47859 world is love. The poor know that it is money.
47862 Those who in quarrels interpose, must often wipe a bloody nose.
47864 Those who make peaceful revolution impossible
47865 will make violent revolution inevitable.
47866 -- John Fitzgerald Kennedy
47868 Those who profess to favor freedom, and yet depreciate agitation, are
47869 men who want rain without thunder and lightning. They want the ocean
47870 without the roar of its many waters.
47871 -- Frederick Douglass
47873 Those who sweat in flames of hell, Leaden eared, some thought their bowels
47874 Here's the reason that they fell: Lispeth forth the sweetest vowels.
47875 While on earth they prayed in SAS, These they offered up in praise
47876 PL/1, or other crass, Thinking all this fetid haze
47877 Vulgar tongue. A rapsody sung.
47879 Some the lord did sorely try Jabber of the mindless horde
47880 Assembling all their pleas in hex. Sequel next did mock the lord
47881 Speech as crabbed as devil's crable Slothful sequel so enfangled
47882 Hex that marked on Tower Babel Its speaker's lips became entangled
47883 The highest rung. In his bung.
47885 Because in life they prayed so ill
47886 And offered god such swinish swill
47887 Now they sweat in flames of hell
47888 Sweat from lack of APL
47891 Those who talk don't know. Those who don't talk, know.
47893 Thou hast seen nothing yet.
47894 -- Miguel de Cervantes
47896 Thou shalt not omit adultery.
47898 Though a program be but three lines long, someday it will have to
47900 -- The Tao of Programming
47902 Though I respect that a lot
47903 I'd be fired if that were my job
47904 After killing Jason off and
47905 Countless screaming argonauts
47907 Bluebird of friendliness
47908 Like guardian angels it's
47911 Blue canary in the outlet by the light switch
47912 Who watches over you
47913 Make a little birdhouse in your soul
47914 Not to put too fine a point on it
47915 Say I'm the only bee in your bonnet
47916 Make a little birdhouse in your soul
47918 -- "Birdhouse in your Soul", They Might Be Giants
47920 Thrashing is just virtual crashing.
47922 Three great scientific theories of the structure of the universe are
47923 the molecular, the corpuscular and the atomic. A fourth affirms, with
47924 Haeckel, the condensation or precipitation of matter from ether --
47925 whose existence is proved by the condensation or precipitation...
47926 A fifth theory is held by idiots, but it is doubtful if they know any
47927 more about the matter than the others.
47929 Three hours a day will produce as much as a man ought to write.
47932 Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead.
47933 -- Benjamin Franklin
47935 Three Midwesterners, a Kansan, a Missourian and an Iowan,
47936 all appearing on a quiz program, were asked to complete this sentence:
47937 "Old MacDonald had a . . ."
47939 "Old MacDonald had a carburetor," answered the Kansan.
47940 "Sorry, that's wrong," the game show host said.
47941 "Old MacDonald had a free brake alignment down at the
47942 service station," said the Missourian.
47944 "Old MacDonald had a farm," said the Iowan.
47945 "CORRECT!" shouts the quizmaster. "Now for $100,000, spell 'farm.'"
47946 "Easy," said the Iowan. "E-I-E-I-O."
47948 Three minutes' thought would suffice to find this out; but thought
47949 is irksome and three minutes is a long time.
47952 Three o'clock in the afternoon is always just a little too
47953 late or a little too early for anything you want to do.
47954 -- Jean-Paul Sartre
47956 Three Rings for the Elven-kings under the sky,
47957 Seven for the Dwarf-lords in their halls of stone,
47958 Nine for Mortal Men doomed to die,
47959 One for the Dark Lord on his dark throne
47960 In the Land of Mordor where the Shadows lie.
47961 One Ring to rule them all, One Ring to find them,
47962 One Ring to bring them all and in the darkness bind them
47963 In the Land of Mordor where the Shadows lie.
47964 -- J.R.R. Tolkien, "The Lord of the Rings"
47966 Three rules for sounding like an expert:
47967 1. Oversimplify your explanations to the point of uselessness.
47968 2. Always point out second-order effects,
47969 but never point out when they can be ignored.
47970 3. Come up with three rules of your own.
47972 Throw away documentation and manuals,
47973 and users will be a hundred times happier.
47974 Throw away privileges and quotas,
47975 and users will do the Right Thing.
47976 Throw away proprietary and site licenses,
47977 and there won't be any pirating.
47979 If these three aren't enough,
47980 just stay at your home directory
47981 and let all processes take their course.
47983 Thus mathematics may be defined as the subject in which we never know
47984 what we are talking about, nor whether what we are saying is true.
47985 -- Bertrand Russell
47987 Thus spake the master programmer:
47988 "A well-written program is its own heaven; a poorly-written program
47990 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
47992 Thus spake the master programmer:
47993 "After three days without programming, life becomes meaningless."
47994 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
47996 Thus spake the master programmer:
47997 "Let the programmer be many and the managers few -- then all will
47999 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
48001 Thus spake the master programmer:
48002 "Though a program be but three lines long, someday it will have to
48004 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
48006 Thus spake the master programmer:
48007 "Time for you to leave."
48008 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
48010 Thus spake the master programmer:
48011 "When program is being tested, it is too late to make design changes."
48012 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
48014 Thus spake the master programmer:
48015 "When you have learned to snatch the error code from
48016 the trap frame, it will be time for you to leave."
48017 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
48019 Thus spake the master programmer:
48020 "Without the wind, the grass does not move. Without software,
48021 hardware is useless."
48022 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
48024 Thus spake the master programmer:
48025 "You can demonstrate a program for a corporate executive, but you
48026 can't make him computer literate."
48027 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
48030 Everything goes wrong at once.
48032 Ticking away the moments that make up a dull day
48033 Fritter and waste the hours in an offhand way
48034 Kicking around on a piece of ground in your hometown
48035 Waiting for someone or something to show you the way
48037 Tired of lying in the sunshine And then one day you find
48038 Staying home to watch the rain Ten years have got behind you
48039 You are young and life is long No one told you when to run
48040 And there is time to kill today You missed the starting gun
48042 And you run and you run to catch up with the sun but it's sinking
48043 And racing around to come up behind you again
48044 The sun is the same in a relative way but you're older
48045 Shorter of breath and one day closer to death
48047 Every year is getting shorter Hanging on in quiet desperation
48049 Never seem to find the time The time is gone, the song is over
48050 Plans that either come to nought Thought I'd something more to say...
48051 Or half a page of scribbled lines
48052 -- Pink Floyd, "Time"
48056 Quite unaccountably
48066 Man got to sit and wonder, "Why, why, why?"
48068 Tiger got to sleep,
48070 Man got to tell himself he understand.
48071 -- The Books of Bokonon
48073 Time and tide wait for no man.
48075 Time as he grows old teaches all things.
48078 Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
48080 Time goes, you say?
48082 Time stays, *we* go.
48085 Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.
48088 Time is an illusion; lunch-time doubly so.
48091 Time is an illusion, lunchtime doubly so.
48092 -- The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
48094 Time is an illusion perpetrated by the manufacturers of space.
48096 Time is but the stream I go a-fishing in.
48097 -- Henry David Thoreau
48099 Time is nature's way of making sure that
48100 everything doesn't happen at once.
48102 Space is nature's way of making sure that
48103 everything doesn't happen to you.
48105 Time is the most valuable thing a man can spend.
48108 Time sharing: The use of many people by the computer.
48110 Time sure flies when you don't know what you're doing.
48112 Time to be aggressive. Go after a tattooed Virgo.
48114 Time to take stock.
48115 Go home with some office supplies.
48118 Love's wounds unseen.
48119 That's what someone told me;
48120 But I don't know what it means.
48121 -- Linda Ronstadt, "Long Long Time"
48123 Time will end all my troubles,
48124 but I don't always approve of Time's methods.
48126 Time-sharing is the junk-mail part of the computer business.
48127 -- H.R.J. Grosch (attributed)
48130 An access method whereby one computer abuses many people.
48132 Timing must be perfect now.
48133 Two-timing must be better than perfect.
48136 Never fry bacon in the nude.
48138 Tip O'Neill is just like Congress; old, fat and out of control.
48141 Tip the world over on its side and
48142 everything loose will land in Los Angeles.
48143 -- Frank Lloyd Wright
48145 TIPS FOR PERFORMERS:
48146 Playing cards have the top half upside-down to help cheaters.
48147 There are a finite number of jokes in the universe.
48148 Singing is a trick to get people to listen to music longer than
48149 they would ordinarily.
48150 There is no music in space.
48151 People will pay to watch people make sounds.
48152 Everything on stage should be larger than in real life.
48154 TIRED of calculating components of vectors? Displacements along direction of
48155 force getting you down? Well, now there's help. Try amazing "Dot-Product",
48156 the fast, easy way many professionals have used for years and is now available
48157 to YOU through this special offer. Three out of five engineering consultants
48158 recommend "Dot-Product" for their clients who use vector products. Mr.
48159 Gumbinowitz, mechanical engineer, in a hidden-camera interview...
48160 "Dot-Product really works! Calculating Z-axis force components has
48161 never been easier."
48162 Yes, you too can take advantage of the amazing properties of Dot-Product. Use
48163 it to calculate forces, velocities, displacements, and virtually any vector
48164 components. How much would you pay for it? But wait, it also calculates the
48165 work done in Joules, Ergs, and, yes, even BTU's. Divide Dot-Product by the
48166 magnitude of the vectors and it becomes an instant angle calculator! Now, how
48167 much would you pay? All this can be yours for the low, low price of $19.95!!
48168 But that's not all! If you order before midnight, you'll also get "Famous
48169 Numbers of Famous People" as a bonus gift, absolutely free! Yes, you'll get
48170 Avogadro's number, Planck's, Euler's, Boltzmann's, and many, many, more!!
48171 Call 1-800-DOT-6000. Operators are standing by. That number again...
48172 1-800-DOT-6000. Supplies are limited, so act now. This offer is not
48173 available through stores and is void where prohibited by law.
48175 Tis man's perdition to be safe, when for the truth he ought to die.
48177 'Tis more blessed to give than receive; for example, wedding presents.
48180 To a Californian, a person must prove himself criminally insane before he
48181 is allowed to drive a taxi in New York. For New York cabbies, honesty and
48182 stopping at red lights are both optional.
48183 -- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts
48185 To a Californian, all New Yorkers are cold; even in heat they rarely go
48186 above fifty-eight degrees. If you collapse on a street in New York, plan
48187 to spend a few days there.
48188 -- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts
48190 To a Californian, the basic difference between the people and the pigeons
48191 in New York is that the pigeons don't shit on each other.
48192 -- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts
48194 To a New Yorker, all Californians are blond, even the blacks. There are,
48195 in fact, whole neighborhoods that are zoned only for blond people. The
48196 only way to tell the difference between California and Sweden is that the
48197 Swedes speak better English."
48198 -- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts
48200 To a New Yorker, the only California houses on the market for less than
48201 a million dollars are those on fire. These generally go for six hundred
48203 -- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts
48205 To accuse others for one's own misfortunes is a sign of want of education.
48206 To accuse oneself shows that one's education has begun. To accuse neither
48207 oneself nor others shows that one's education is complete.
48210 To add insult to injury.
48213 To any truly impartial person, it would
48214 be obvious that I am always right.
48216 To avoid criticism, do nothing, say nothing, be nothing.
48219 To be a kind of moral Unix, he touched the hem of Nature's shift.
48222 To be beautiful is enough! if a woman can do that well who
48223 should demand more from her? You don't want a rose to sing.
48226 To be considered successful, a woman must be much better at her job
48227 than a man would have to be. Fortunately, this isn't difficult.
48229 To be excellent when engaged in administration is to be like the North
48230 Star. As it remains in its one position, all the other stars surround it.
48233 To be great is to be misunderstood.
48234 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
48236 To be happy one must be a) well fed, unhounded by sordid cares, at ease in
48237 Zion, b) full of a comfortable feeling of superiority to the masses of one's
48238 fellow men, and c) delicately and unceasingly amused according to one's taste.
48239 It is my contention that, if this definition be accepted, there is no country
48240 in the world wherein a man constituted as I am -- a man of my peculiar
48241 weaknesses, vanities, appetites, and aversions -- can be so happy as he can
48242 be in the United States. Going further, I lay down the doctrine that it is
48243 a sheer physical impossibility for such a man to live in the United States
48245 -- H.L. Mencken, "On Being An American"
48247 To be is to be related.
48255 -- Miss Connie, Romper Room
48261 To be loved is very demoralizing.
48262 -- Katharine Hepburn
48264 to be nobody but yourself in a world
48265 which is doing its best night and day
48266 to make you like everybody else
48267 means to fight the hardest battle
48268 any human being can fight and
48269 never stop fighting.
48272 To be nobody-but-yourself in a world which is doing its best to,
48273 night and day, to make you everybody else -- means to fight the hardest
48274 battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting.
48275 -- E.E. Cummings, "A Miscellany"
48277 To be or not to be.
48286 To be or not to be, that is the bottom line.
48288 To be patriotic, hate all nations but your own; to be religious, all sects
48289 but your own; to be moral, all pretences but your own.
48292 To be successful, a woman has to be much better at her job than a man.
48295 To be successful, a woman must do her job ten times
48296 as well as a man. Fortunately, this is not difficult.
48298 To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first
48299 and, whatever you hit, call it the target.
48301 To be trusted is a greater compliment than to be loved.
48303 To be who one is, is not to be someone else.
48305 To be wise, the only thing you really need
48306 to know is when to say "I don't know."
48308 To believe your own thought, to believe that what is true for
48309 you in your private heart is true for all men -- that is genius.
48310 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
48312 To code the impossible code, This is my quest --
48313 To bring up a virgin machine, To debug that code,
48314 To pop out of endless recursion, No matter how hopeless,
48315 To grok what appears on the screen, No matter the load,
48316 To write those routines
48317 To right the unrightable bug, Without question or pause,
48318 To endlessly twiddle and thrash, To be willing to hack FORTRAN IV
48319 To mount the unmountable magtape, For a heavenly cause.
48320 To stop the unstoppable crash! And I know if I'll only be true
48321 To this glorious quest,
48322 And the queue will be better for this, That my code will run CUSPy and calm,
48323 That one man, scorned and When it's put to the test.
48325 Still strove with his last allocation
48326 To scrap the unscrappable kludge!
48327 -- To "The Impossible Dream", from Man of La Mancha
48329 To communicate is the beginning of understanding.
48332 To converse at the distance of the Indes by means of sympathetic contrivances
48333 may be as natural to future times as to us is a literary correspondence.
48334 -- Joseph Glanvill, 1661
48336 To craunch a marmoset.
48337 -- Pedro Carolino, "English as She is Spoke"
48339 To criticize the incompetent is easy;
48340 it is more difficult to criticize the competent.
48342 To defend the Saigon regime is not worth one more human life.
48343 -- Senator Edmund Muskie
48345 To do nothing is to be nothing.
48347 To do two things at once is to do neither.
48350 To doubt everything or to believe everything are two equally
48351 convenient solutions; both dispense with the necessity of reflection.
48354 To err is human -- but it feels divine.
48357 To err is human -- to blame it on a computer is even more so.
48359 To err is human, but I can REALLY foul things up.
48361 To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer.
48363 To err is human, but when the eraser wears out
48364 before the pencil, you're overdoing it a little.
48366 To err is human; to admit it, a blunder.
48368 To err is human, to forgive, infrequent.
48370 To err is human, to forgive is against company policy.
48372 To err is human, to forgive is not company policy.
48374 To err is human; to forgive is simply not our policy.
48375 -- MIT Assasination Club
48377 To err is human, to forgive unusual.
48379 To err is human, to purr feline.
48380 To err is human, two curs canine.
48381 To err is human, to moo bovine.
48383 To err is human, to repent, divine, to persist, devilish.
48384 -- Benjamin Franklin
48387 To blame someone else for your mistakes is even more human.
48395 To everything there is a season, a time for every pupose under heaven:
48396 A time to be born, and a time to die;
48397 A time to plant, and a time to pluck what is planted;
48398 A time to kill, and a time to heal;
48399 A time to break down, and a time to build up;
48400 A time to weep, and a time to laugh;
48401 A time to mourn, and a time to dance;
48402 A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones;
48403 A time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
48404 A time to gain, and a time to lose;
48405 A time to keep, and a time to throw away;
48406 A time to tear, and a time to sew;
48407 A time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
48408 A time to love, and a time to hate;
48409 A time of war, and a time of peace.
48412 To fear love is to fear life, and those
48413 who fear life are already three parts dead.
48414 -- Bertrand Russell
48416 To find a friend one must close one eye; to keep him -- two.
48419 To find out a girl's faults, praise her to her girl friends.
48420 -- Benjamin Franklin
48422 To get back on your feet, miss two car payments.
48424 To get something clean, one has to get something dirty.
48425 To get something dirty, one does not have to get anything clean.
48427 To get something done, a committee should consist of no more than three
48428 persons, two of them absent.
48430 To give happiness is to deserve happiness.
48432 To give of yourself, you must first know yourself.
48434 To have died once is enough.
48435 -- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil)
48437 To hell with the Prime Directive;
48438 Let's KILL something!
48440 To invent, you need a good imagination and a pile of junk.
48443 To iterate is human, to recurse, divine.
48446 To jaw-jaw is better than to war-war.
48447 -- W. Churchill, on Korean War negotiations
48449 To keep your friends treat them kindly;
48450 to kill them, treat them often.
48452 To know Edina is to reject it.
48453 -- Dudley Riggs, "The Year the Grinch Stole the Election"
48455 To laugh at men of sense is the privilege of fools.
48457 To lead people, you must follow behind.
48460 To listen to some devout people,
48461 one would imagine that God never laughs.
48464 To love is good, love being difficult.
48466 To make an enemy, do someone a favor.
48468 To make tax forms true they should
48469 read "Income Owed Us" and "Incommode You".
48471 To many, total abstinence is easier than perfect moderation.
48474 TO ME, CLOWNS AREN'T FUNNY. In fact, they're kinda scary. I've wondered
48475 where this started, and I think it goes back to the time I went to the
48476 circus and a clown killed my dad.
48477 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
48479 To one large turkey add one gallon of vermouth and a demijohn of Angostura
48481 -- F. Scott Fitzgerald, recipe for turkey cocktail.
48483 To our sweethearts and wives. May they never meet.
48484 -- 19th century toast
48486 To refuse praise is to seek praise twice.
48488 To restore a sense of reality, I think
48489 Walt Disney should have a Hardluckland.
48492 To save a single life is better than to build a seven story pagoda.
48494 To say that UNIX is doomed is pretty rabid, OS/2 will certainly play a role,
48495 but you don't build a hundred million instructions per second multiprocessor
48496 micro and then try to run it on OS/2. I mean, get serious.
48497 -- William Zachmann, International Data Corp
48499 To say you got a vote of confidence
48500 would be to say you needed a vote of confidence.
48503 To see a need and wait to be asked, is to already refuse.
48505 To see the butcher slap the steak, before he laid it on the block,
48506 and give his knife a sharpening, was to forget breakfast instantly. It was
48507 agreeable, too -it really was- to see him cut it off, so smooth and juicy.
48508 There was nothing savage in the act, although the knife was large and keen;
48509 it was a piece of art, high art; there was delicacy of touch, clearness of
48510 tone, skilful handling of the subject, fine shading. It was the triumph of
48511 mind over matter; quite.
48512 -- Dickens, "Martin Chuzzlewit"
48514 To see you is to sympathize.
48516 To spot the expert, pick the one who predicts
48517 the job will take the longest and cost the most.
48519 To stand and be still,
48520 At the Birkenhead drill,
48521 Is a damned tough bullet to chew.
48524 To stay young requires unceasing cultivation
48525 of the ability to unlearn old falsehoods.
48526 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough For Love"
48528 To stay youthful, stay useful.
48530 To teach is to learn.
48532 To teach is to learn twice.
48535 To the landlord belongs the doorknobs.
48537 To Theodore Roosevelt:
48538 You are like the Wind and I like the Lion. You form the Tempest.
48539 The sand stings my eyes and the Ground is parched. I roar in defiance but
48540 you do not hear. But between us there is a difference. I, like the lion,
48541 must remain in my place. While you, like the wind, will never know yours.
48542 Mulay Hamid El Raisuli
48544 Sultan to the Berbers
48545 Last of the Barbary Pirates
48547 To thine own self be true.
48548 (If not that, at least make some money.)
48550 To think contrary to one's era is heroism. But to speak against it is
48554 To those accustomed to the precise, structured methods of conventional
48555 system development, exploratory development techniques may seem messy,
48556 inelegant, and unsatisfying. But it's a question of congruence:
48557 precision and flexibility may be just as disfunctional in novel,
48558 uncertain situations as sloppiness and vacillation are in familiar,
48559 well-defined ones. Those who admire the massive, rigid bone structures
48560 of dinosaurs should remember that jellyfish still enjoy their very
48561 secure ecological niche.
48562 -- Beau Sheil, "Power Tools for Programmers"
48564 TO THOSE OF YOU WHO DESIRE IT, I GRANT YOU MADRAK'S BLESSING:
48566 Insofar as I may be heard by anything, which may or may not care
48567 what I say, I ask, if it matters, that you be forgiven for anything you
48568 may have done or failed to do which requires forgiveness.
48569 Conversely, if not forgiveness but something else be required
48570 to insure any possible benefit for which you may be eligible after the
48571 destruction of your body, I ask that this, whatever it may be, be granted
48572 or withheld, as the case may be, in such a manner as to insure your
48573 receving said benefit.
48574 I ask this in my capacity as your elected intermediary between
48575 yourself and that which may have an interest in the matter of your receving
48576 as much as it is possible for you to receive of this thing, and which may
48577 in some way be influenced by this ceremony.
48579 -- Roger Zelazny, "Creatures of Light and Darkness"
48581 To understand a program you must become both the machine and the program.
48583 To understand the heart and mind of a person, look not at what
48584 he has already achieved, but at what he aspires to do.
48586 To use violence is to already be defeated.
48589 To whom the mornings are like nights,
48590 What must the midnights be!
48591 -- Emily Dickinson (on hacking?)
48593 To write a sonnet you must ruthlessly
48594 strip down your words to naked, willing flesh.
48595 Then bind them to a metaphor or three,
48596 and take by force a satisfying mesh.
48597 Arrange them to your will, each foot in place.
48598 You are the master here, and they the slaves.
48599 Now whip them to maintain a constant pace
48600 and rhythm as they stand in even staves.
48601 A word that strikes no pleasure? Cast it out!
48602 What use are words that drive not to the heart?
48603 A lazy phrase? Discard it, shrug off doubt,
48604 and choose more docile words to take its part.
48605 A well-trained sonnet lives to entertain,
48606 by making love directly to the brain.
48608 To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the loyal opposition.
48611 Tobacco is a filthy weed,
48612 That from the devil does proceed;
48613 It drains your purse, it burns your clothes,
48614 And makes a chimney of your nose.
48618 A nice place to visit, but you can't stay here for long.
48620 Today is a good day for information-gathering.
48621 Read someone else's mail file.
48623 Today is a good day to bribe a high-ranking public official.
48625 Today is National Existential Ennui Awareness Day.
48627 Today is the first day of the rest of the mess.
48629 Today is the first day of the rest of your life.
48631 Today is the first day of the rest of your lossage.
48633 Today is the last day of your life so far.
48635 Today is what happened to yesterday.
48637 Today when a man gets married he gets a home, a housekeeper, a cook, a
48638 cheering squad and another paycheck. When a woman marries, she gets a
48641 Today you'll start getting heavy metal radio on your dentures.
48643 Today's thrilling story has been brought to you by Mushies, the great new
48644 cereal that gets soggy even without milk or cream. Join us soon for more
48645 spectacular adventure starring... Tippy, the Wonder Dog!
48648 Todays weirdness is tomorrows reason why.
48649 -- Hunter S. Thompson
48651 Toddlers are the stormtroopers of the Lord of Entropy.
48654 Any shag carpet that causes the lid to become top-heavy, thus
48655 creating endless annoyance to male users.
48656 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
48658 Tom Hayden is the kind of politician who gives opportunism a bad name.
48661 Tomorrow, this will be part of the unchangeable past
48662 but fortunately, it can still be changed today.
48664 Tomorrow will be cancelled due to lack of interest.
48666 Tomorrow, you can be anywhere.
48668 Tomorrow's computers some time next month.
48671 Tom's hungry, time to eat lunch.
48673 Tonight you will pay the wages of sin;
48674 Don't forget to leave a tip.
48676 Tonight's the night: Sleep in a eucalyptus tree.
48678 Toni's Solution to a Guilt-Free Life:
48679 If you have to lie to someone, it's their fault.
48681 Too bad all the people who know how to run the country are busy
48682 driving cabs and cutting hair.
48685 TOO BAD YOU CAN'T BUY a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin
48686 real fast and freak everybody out.
48687 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
48689 Too clever is dumb.
48692 Too cool to calypso,
48693 Too tough to tango,
48694 Too weird to watusi
48698 A large number of turkies [sic] went to San Francisco yesterday by
48699 the two o'clock boats. If their object in going down was to participate in
48700 the Thanksgiving festivities of that city, they would arrive "the day after
48701 the affair," and of course be sadly disappointed thereby.
48702 -- Sacramento Daily Union, November 29, 1861
48704 Too many people are thinking of security instead of opportunity.
48705 They seem more afraid of life than death.
48708 Too much is just enough.
48709 -- Mark Twain, on whiskey
48711 Too much is not enough.
48713 Too much of a good thing is WONDERFUL.
48716 Too often people have come to me and said, "If I had just one wish for
48717 anything in all the world, I would wish for more user-defined equations
48718 in the HP-51820A Waveform Generator Software."
48720 [Once is too often. Ed.]
48722 Too ripped. Gotta go.
48724 Toothpaste never hurts the taste of good scotch.
48726 Top Ten Things Overheard At The ANSI C Draft Committee Meetings:
48728 10: Sorry, but that's too useful.
48729 9: Dammit, little-endian systems *are* more consistent!
48730 8: I'm on the committee and I *still* don't know what the hell
48732 7: Well, it's an excellent idea, but it would make the compilers too
48734 6: Them bats is smart; they use radar.
48735 5: All right, who's the wiseguy who stuck this trigraph stuff in here?
48736 4: How many times do we have to tell you, "No prior art!"
48737 3: Ha, ha, I can't believe they're actually going to adopt this sucker.
48738 2: Thank you for your generous donation, Mr. Wirth.
48739 1: Gee, I wish we hadn't backed down on 'noalias'.
48741 Topologists are just plane folks.
48742 Pilots are just plane folks.
48743 Carpenters are just plane folks.
48744 Midwest farmers are just plain folks.
48745 Musicians are just playin' folks.
48746 Whodunit readers are just Spillaine folks.
48747 Some Londoners are just P. Lane folks.
48751 Total strangers need love, too; and I'm stranger than most.
48753 TOTD (T-shirt Of The Day):
48754 I'm the person your mother warned you about.
48756 Toto, I don't think we're in Kansas anymore.
48757 -- Judy Garland, "Wizard of Oz"
48759 Tourists -- have some fun with New York's hard-boiled cabbies. When you
48760 get to your destination, say to your driver, "Pay? I was hitch-hiking."
48763 Tout choses sont dites deja, mais comme
48764 personne n'ecoute, il faut toujours recommencer.
48767 Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.
48770 TRANSACTION CANCELLED - FARECARD RETURNED
48773 A promotion you receive on the condition that you leave town.
48776 Being or pertaining to an existing, nontangible object.
48777 "It's there, but you can't see it"
48778 -- IBM System/360 announcement, 1964.
48781 Being or pertaining to a tangible, nonexistent object.
48782 "I can see it, but it's not there."
48786 Someone who spends his junior year at college abroad.
48788 Trap full -- please empty.
48791 Something that makes you feel like you're getting somewhere.
48793 Travel important today; Internal Revenue men arrive tomorrow.
48795 Traveling through hyperspace isn't like dusting crops, boy.
48798 Traveling through New England, a motorist stopped for gas in a tiny village.
48799 "What's this place called?" he asked the station attendant.
48800 "All depends," the native drawled. "Do you mean by them that has
48801 to live in this dad-blamed, moth-eaten, dust-covered, one-hoss dump, or
48802 by them that's merely enjoying its quaint and picturesque rustic charms
48803 for a short spell?"
48805 Treat your friend as if he might become an enemy.
48808 Treaties are like roses and young girls -- they last while they last.
48809 -- Charles DeGaulle
48811 Trifles make perfection, and perfection is no trifle.
48814 Troglodytism does not necessarily imply a low cultural level.
48816 Trouble always comes at the wrong time.
48818 Trouble strikes in series of threes, but when working around the house the
48819 next job after a series of three is not the fourth job -- it's the start of
48820 a brand new series of three.
48822 Troubled day for virgins over 16 who are
48823 beautiful and wealthy and live in eucalyptus trees.
48825 Troubles are like babies; they only grow by nursing.
48827 True happiness will be found only in true love.
48829 True leadership is the art of changing
48830 a group from what it is to what it ought to be.
48833 True to our past we work with an inherited, observed, and accepted vision of
48834 personal futility, and of the beauty of the world.
48837 Truly great madness can not be achieved without significant intelligence.
48840 Truly simple systems... require infinite testing.
48841 -- Norman Augustine
48843 Trust everybody, but cut the cards.
48844 -- Finlay Peter Dunne, "Mr. Dooley's Philosophy"
48846 Trust in Allah, but tie your camel.
48850 Get me, give me, buy me, do me.
48853 Translation of the Latin "caveat emptor."
48855 Trust your husband, adore your husband,
48856 and get as much as you can in your own name.
48859 Truth can wait; he's used to it.
48861 Truth has no special time of its own. Its hour is now -- always.
48862 -- Albert Schweitzer
48864 Truth is free, but information costs.
48866 Truth is hard to find and harder to obscure.
48868 "Truth is stranger than fiction, because fiction has to make sense."
48870 Truth is the most valuable thing we have -- so let us economize it.
48873 Truth never comes into the world but like a bastard, to the ignominy
48874 of him that brought her birth.
48877 Truth will out this morning. (Which may really mess things up.)
48880 Dumb and illiterate.
48884 Try not to have a good time ...
48885 This is supposed to be educational.
48893 Try `stty 0' -- it works much better.
48895 Try the Moo Shu Pork. It is especially good today.
48897 Try to be the best of whatever you are, even if what you are is no good.
48899 Try to divide your time evenly to keep others happy.
48901 Try to find the real tense of the report you are reading: Was it done, is
48902 it being done, or is something to be done? Reports are now written in four
48903 tenses: past tense, present tense, future tense, and pretense. Watch for
48904 novel uses of CONGRAM (CONtractor GRAMmer), defined by the imperfect past,
48905 the insufficient present, and the absolutely perfect future.
48908 Try to get all of your posthumous medals in advance.
48910 Try to have as good a life as you can under the circumstances.
48912 Try to relax and enjoy the crisis.
48913 -- Ashleigh Brilliant
48915 Try to value useful qualities in one who loves you.
48917 Trying to be happy is like trying to build a machine for which the only
48918 specification is that it should run noiselessly.
48920 Trying to be happy is like trying to build a machine for
48921 which the only specification is that it should run noiselessly.
48923 Trying to define yourself is like trying to bite your own teeth.
48926 Trying to get an education here is like
48927 trying to take a drink from a fire hose.
48930 Life is *not* a Cabaret, and stop calling me chum!
48932 Tuesday After Lunch is the cosmic time of the week.
48934 Tuesday is the Wednesday of the rest of your life.
48936 Turn on, tune in, and take over.
48939 Turn the other cheek.
48943 The attention span of a computer is only as long as its
48947 Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come.
48949 TV is chewing gum for the eyes.
48950 -- Frank Lloyd Wright
48952 'Twas a woman who drove me to drink,
48953 and I never even had the decency to thank her.
48956 "Twas bergen and the eirie road
48957 Did mahwah into patterson: "Beware the Hopatcong, my son!
48958 All jersey were the ocean groves, The teeth that bite, the nails
48959 And the red bank bayonne. that claw!
48960 Beware the bound brook bird, and shun
48961 He took his belmar blade in hand: The kearney communipaw."
48962 Long time the folsom foe he sought
48963 Till rested he by a bayway tree And, as in nutley thought he stood,
48964 And stood a while in thought. The Hopatcong with eyes of flame,
48965 Came whippany through the englewood,
48966 One, two, one, two, and through And garfield as it came.
48968 The belmar blade went hackensack! "And hast thou slain the Hopatcong?
48969 He left it dead and with it's head Come to my arms, my perth amboy!
48970 He went weehawken back. Hohokus day! Soho! Rahway!"
48971 He caldwell in his joy.
48972 Did mahwah into patterson:
48973 All jersey were the ocean groves,
48974 And the red bank bayonne.
48977 'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves And as in uffish thought he stood
48978 Did gyre and gimble in the wabe. The Jabberwock, with eyes aflame
48979 All mimsy were the borogroves Came whuffling through the tulgey wood
48980 And the mome raths outgrabe. And burbled as it came!
48982 "Beware the Jabberwock, my son! One! Two! One! Two!
48983 The jaws that bite, and through and through
48984 the claws that catch! The vorpal blade went snicker-snack.
48985 Beware the Jubjub bird, He left it dead, and took its head,
48986 And shun the frumious Bandersnatch!" And went galumphing back.
48988 He took his vorpal sword in hand "Hast thou slain the Jabberwock?
48989 Long time the manxome foe he sought. Come to my arms, my beamish boy!
48990 So rested he by the tumtum tree Oh frabjous day! Calooh! Callay!"
48991 And stood awhile in thought. He chortled in his joy.
48993 'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
48994 Did gyre and gimble in the wabe.
48995 All mimsy were the borogroves
48998 'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
48999 Did gyre and gimble in the wabe. "Beware the Jabberwock, my son!
49000 All mimsy were the borogroves The jaws that bite, the claws
49001 And the mome raths outgrabe. that catch!
49002 Beware the Jubjub bird,
49003 He took his vorpal sword in hand And shun the frumious Bandersnatch!"
49004 Long time the manxome foe he sought.
49005 So rested he by the tumtum tree And as in uffish thought he stood
49006 And stood awhile in thought. The Jabberwock, with eyes aflame
49007 Came whuffling through the tulgey wood
49008 One! Two! One! Two! And through and And burbled as it came!
49010 The vorpal blade went snicker-snack. "Hast thou slain the Jabberwock?
49011 He left it dead, and took its head, Come to my arms, my beamish boy!
49012 And went galumphing back. Oh frabjous day! Calooh! Callay!"
49013 He chortled in his joy.
49014 'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
49015 Did gyre and gimble in the wabe.
49016 All mimsy were the borogroves
49017 And the mome raths outgrabe.
49018 -- Lewis Carroll, "Jabberwocky"
49020 'Twas bullig, and the slithy brokers
49021 Did buy and gamble in the craze "Beware the Jabberstock, my son!
49022 All rosy were the Dow Jones stokers The cost that bites, the worth
49023 By market's wrath unphased. that falls!
49024 Beware the Econ'mist's word, and shun
49025 He took his forecast sword in hand: The spurious Street o' Walls!"
49026 Long time the Boesk'some foe he sought -
49027 Sake's liquidity, so d'vested he, And as in bearish thought he stood
49028 And stood awhile in thought. The Jabberstock, with clothes of tweed,
49029 Came waffling with the truth too good,
49030 Chip Black! Chip Blue! And through And yuppied great with greed!
49032 The forecast blade went snicker-snack! "And hast thou slain the Jabberstock?
49033 It bit the dirt, and with its shirt, Come to my firm, V.P.ish boy!
49034 He went rebounding back. O big bucks day! Moolah! Good Play!"
49035 He bought him a Mercedes Toy.
49036 'Twas panic, and the slithy brokers
49037 Did gyre and tumble in the Crash
49038 All flimsy were the Dow Jones stokers
49039 And mammon's wrath them bash!
49040 -- Peter Stucki, "Jabberstocky"
49042 'Twas midnight, and the UNIX hacks
49043 Did gyre and gimble in their cave
49044 All mimsy was the CS-VAX
49045 And Cory raths outgrave.
49047 "Beware the software rot, my son!
49048 The faults that bite, the jobs that thrash!
49049 Beware the broken pipe, and shun
49050 The frumious system crash!"
49052 'Twas midnight on the ocean, Her children all were orphans,
49053 Not a streetcar was in sight, Except one a tiny tot,
49054 So I stepped into a cigar store Who had a home across the way
49055 To ask them for a light. Above a vacant lot.
49057 The man behind the counter As I gazed through the oaken door
49058 Was a woman, old and gray, A whale went drifting by,
49059 Who used to peddle doughnuts Its six legs hanging in the air,
49060 On the road to Mandalay. So I kissed her goodbye.
49062 She said "Good morning, stranger", This story has a morale
49063 Her eyes were dry with tears, As you can plainly see,
49064 As she put her head between her feet Don't mix your gin with whiskey
49065 And stood that way for years. On the deep and dark blue sea.
49066 -- Midnight On The Ocean
49068 'Twas the night before Christmas -- the very last one --
49069 When the blazing of lasers destroyed all our fun.
49070 Just as Santa had lifted off, driving his sleigh,
49071 A satellite spotted him making his way.
49072 The Star Wars Defense System -- Reagan's desire
49073 Was ready for action, and started to fire!
49074 The laser beams criss-crossed and lit up the sky
49075 Like a fireworks show on the Fourth of July.
49076 I'd just finished wrapping the last of the toys
49077 When out of my chimney there came a great noise.
49078 I looked to the fireplace, hoping to see
49079 St. Nick bringing presents for missus and me.
49080 But what I saw next was disturbing and shocking:
49081 A flaming red jacket setting fire to my stocking!
49082 Charred reindeer remains and a melted sleigh-bell;
49083 Outside burning toys like confetti they fell.
49084 So now you know, children, why Christmas is gone:
49085 The Star Wars computer had got something wrong.
49086 Only programmed for battle, it hadn't a heart;
49087 'Twas hardly a chance it would work from the start.
49088 It couldn't be tested, and no one could tell,
49089 If the crazy contraption would work very well.
49090 So after a trillion or two had been spent
49091 The system thought Santa a Red missle sent.
49092 So kids dry your tears now, and get off to bed,
49093 There won't be a Christmas -- since Santa is dead.
49095 Twenty two thousand days.
49096 Twenty two thousand days.
49098 It's all you've got.
49099 Twenty two thousand days.
49100 -- Moody Blues, "Twenty Two Thousand Days"
49102 Two battleships assigned to the training squadron had been at sea on maneuvers
49103 in heavy weather for several days. I was serving on the lead battleship and
49104 was on watch on the bridge as night fell. The visibility was poor with patchy
49105 fog, so the Captain remained on the bridge keeping an eye on all activities.
49106 Shortly after dark, the lookout on the wing of the bridge reported,
49107 "Light, bearing on the starboard bow."
49108 "Is it steady or moving astern?" the Captain called out.
49109 Lookout replied, "Steady, Captain," which meant we were on a dangerous
49110 collision course with that ship.
49111 The Captain then called to the signalman, "Signal that ship: We are on
49112 a collision course, advise you change course 20 degrees."
49113 Back came a signal "Advisable for you to change course 20 degrees."
49114 In reply, the Captain said, "Send: I'm a Captain, change course 20
49116 "I'm a seaman second class," came the reply, "You had better change
49117 course 20 degrees."
49118 By that time, the Captain was furious. He spit out, "Send: I'm a
49119 battleship, change course 20 degrees."
49120 Back came the flashing light: "I'm a lighthouse!"
49122 -- The Naval Institute's "Proceedings"
49124 Two can Live as Cheaply as One for Half as Long.
49127 Two cars in every pot and a chicken in every garage.
49129 Two Finns and a penguin are sitting on the front porch of a large house. The
49130 penguin is dripping in sweat; his owner looks down and says to the other Finn,
49131 "Hey Urho, I want that you should take the penguin to the zoo, okay?" The
49132 owner then runs off to the sauna. When he gets out of the sauna, he looks
49133 up at the porch, and sure enough, there is Urho and the penguin, sweating
49134 away. So he yells out "Hey, Urho, I thought I told you to take the penguin to
49135 the zoo, I did." And Urho yells back "Yup, and tomorrow we're going to
49138 Two friends were out drinking when suddenly one lurched backward off his
49139 barstool and lay motionless on the floor.
49140 "One thing about Jim," the other said to the bartender, "he sure
49141 knows when to stop."
49143 Two heads are better than one.
49146 Two heads are more numerous than one.
49148 Two hundred years ago today, Irma Chine of White Plains, New York, was
49149 performing her normal housekeeping routines. She was interrupted by
49150 British soldiers who, rallying to the call of their supervisor, General
49151 Hughes, sought to gain control of the voter registration lists kept in
49152 her home. Masking her fear and thinking fast, Mrs. Chine quickly divided
49153 a nearby apple in two and deftly stored the list in its center. Upon
49154 entering, the British blatantly violated every conceivable convention,
49155 and, though they went through the house virtually bit by bit, their
49156 search was fruitless. They had to return empty handed. Word of the
49157 incident propagated rapidly through the region. This historic event
49158 became the first documented use of core storage for the saving of registers.
49160 Two is company, three is an orgy.
49162 Two is not equal to three, even for large values of two.
49164 Two men are in a hot-air balloon. Soon, they find themselves lost in a
49165 canyon somewhere. One of the three men says, "I've got an idea. We can
49166 call for help in this canyon and the echo will carry our voices to the
49167 end of the canyon. Someone's bound to hear us by then!"
49168 So he leans over the basket and screams out, "Helllloooooo! Where
49169 are we?" (They hear the echo several times).
49170 Fifteen minutes later, they hear this echoing voice: "Helllloooooo!
49172 The shouter comments, "That must have been a mathematician."
49173 Puzzled, his friend asks, "Why do you say that?"
49174 "For three reasons. First, he took a long time to answer, second,
49175 he was absolutely correct, and, third, his answer was absolutely useless."
49177 Two men came before Nasrudin when he was magistrate. The first man said,
49178 "This man has bitten my ear -- I demand compensation." The second man said,
49179 "He bit it himself." Nasrudin withdrew to his chambers, and spent an hour
49180 trying to bite his own ear. He succeeded only in falling over and bruising
49181 his forehead. Returning to the courtroom, Nasrudin pronounced, "Examine
49182 the man whose ear was bitten. If his forehead is bruised, he did it himself
49183 and the case is dismissed. If his forehead is not bruised, the other man
49184 did it and must pay three silver pieces."
49186 Two men look out through the same bars; one sees mud, and one the stars.
49188 Two men were sitting over coffee, contemplating the nature of things,
49189 with all due respect for their breakfast. "I wonder why it is that
49190 toast always falls on the buttered side," said one.
49191 "Tell me," replied his friend, "why you say such a thing. Look
49192 at this." And he dropped his toast on the floor, where it landed on the
49194 "So, what have you to say for your theory now?"
49195 "What am I to say? You obviously buttered the wrong side."
49197 Two peanuts were walking through the New York. One was assaulted.
49199 Two percent of zero is almost nothing.
49201 Two rights don't make a wrong, they make an airplane.
49203 Two Russian friends happen to meet in Red Square. One of them says, "By
49204 the way, did you hear that Romanov died?"
49205 "No," replied the other, "I didn't even know he'd been arrested!"
49207 Two sure ways to tell a REALLY sexy man; the first is, he has a bad memory.
49208 I forget the second.
49210 Two Swedish guys get of a ship and head for the nearest bars. Each one
49211 orders two vodkas and immediately downs them. They they order two more
49212 and once again quickly throw them back. They then order two more. When
49213 they arrive, one of them picks up his glass, and, turning to the other,
49214 toasts him, "Skoal!"
49215 The other turns to the first man and scolds, "Hey! Did you come
49216 here to screw around, or did you come here to drink?"
49218 Two wrongs are only the beginning.
49221 Two wrongs don't make a right, but they make a good excuse.
49224 Tyger, Tyger, burning bright Where the hammer? Where the chain?
49225 In the forests of the night, In what furnace was thy brain?
49226 What immortal hand or eye What the anvil? What dread grasp
49227 Dare frame thy fearful symmetry? Dare its deadly terrors clasp?
49229 Burnt in distant deeps or skies When the stars threw down their spears
49230 The cruel fire of thine eyes? And water'd heaven with their tears
49231 On what wings dare he aspire? Dare he laugh his work to see?
49232 What the hand dare seize the fire? Dare he who made the lamb make thee?
49234 And what shoulder & what art Tyger, Tyger, burning bright
49235 Could twist the sinews of they heart? In the forests of the night,
49236 And when thy heart began to beat What immortal hand or eye
49237 What dread hand & what dread feet Dare frame thy fearful symmetry?
49239 Could fetch it from the furnace deep
49240 And in thy horrid ribs dare steep
49241 In the well of sanguine woe?
49242 In what clay & in what mould
49243 Were thy eyes of fury roll'd?
49244 -- William Blake, "The Tyger"
49246 Type louder, please.
49248 U: There's a U -- a Unicorn!
49249 Run right up and rub its horn.
49250 Look at all those points you're losing!
49251 UMBER HULKS are so confusing.
49252 -- The Roguelet's ABC
49254 Udall's Fourth Law:
49255 Any change or reform you make
49256 is going to have consequences you don't like.
49258 UFO's are for real: the Air Force doesn't exist.
49260 Uh-oh -- I've let the cat out of the bag. Let me, then,
49261 straightforwardly state the thesis I shall now elaborate:
49262 Making variations on a theme is really the crux of creativity.
49263 -- Douglas R. Hofstadter, "Metamagical Themas"
49265 Ummm, well, OK. The network's the network, the computer's the computer.
49266 Sorry for the confusion.
49267 -- Sun Microsystems
49269 Unbearably lovely music is heard as the curtain rises, and we see the
49270 woods on a summer afternoon. A fawn dances on and nibbles at some
49271 leaves. He drifts lazily through the soft foliage. Soon he starts
49272 coughing and drops dead.
49273 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
49275 Uncle Cosmo, why do they call this a word processor?
49276 It's simple, Skyler. You've seen what food processors do to food, right?
49278 Uncle Ed's Rule of Thumb:
49279 Never use your thumb for a rule.
49280 You'll either hit it with a hammer or get a splinter in it.
49282 Under any conditions, anywhere, whatever you are doing, there is some
49283 ordinance under which you can be booked.
49284 -- Robert D. Sprecht, Rand Corp.
49286 Under capitalism, man exploits man.
49287 Under communism, it's just the opposite.
49290 Under deadline pressure for the next week.
49291 If you want something, it can wait.
49292 Unless it's blind screaming paroxysmally hedonistic...
49294 Under every stone lurks a politician.
49297 Under the wide an starry sky,
49298 Dig my grave and let me lie,
49299 Glad did I live and gladly die,
49300 And laid me down with a will,
49301 And this be the verse that you grave for me,
49302 Here he lies where he longed to be,
49303 Home is the sailor home from the sea,
49304 And the hunter home from the hill.
49307 Under the wide and heavy VAX
49308 Dig my grave and let me relax
49309 Long have I lived, and many my hacks
49310 And I lay me down with a will.
49311 These be the words that tell the way:
49312 "Here he lies who piped 64K,
49313 Brought down the machine for nearly a day,
49314 And Rogue playing to an awful standstill."
49316 Underlying Principle of Socio-Genetics:
49317 Superiority is recessive.
49320 To reach a point, in your investigation of some subject, at which
49321 you cease to examine what is really present, and operate on the
49322 basis of your own internal model instead.
49324 Understanding is always the understanding of a smaller problem
49325 in relation to a bigger problem.
49328 Unfair animal names:
49330 -- tsetse fly -- bullhead
49331 -- booby -- duck-billed platypus
49332 -- sapsucker -- Clarence
49335 UNFAIR COMPETITION:
49336 Selling cheaper than we do.
49338 Unfortunately, most programmers like to play with new toys. I have many
49339 friends who, immediately upon buying a snakebite kit, would be tempted to
49340 throw the first person they see to the ground, tie the tourniquet on him,
49341 slash him with the knife, and apply suction to the wound.
49344 Unhappy the land that needs heroes.
49348 A dues-paying club workers wield to strike management.
49350 United Nations, New York, December 25. The peace and joy of the Christmas
49351 season was marred by a proclamation of a general strike of all the military
49352 forces of the world. Panic reigns in the hearts of all the patriots of
49353 every persuasion. Meanwhile, fears of universal disaster sank to an all-time
49354 low over the world.
49363 Universities are places of knowledge. The freshman each bring a little
49364 in with them, and the seniors take none away, so knowledge accumulates.
49367 Like a software house, except the software's free, and it's
49368 usable, and it works, and if it breaks they'll quickly tell
49369 you how to fix it, and...
49371 [Okay, okay, I'll leave it in, but I think you're destroying
49372 the credibility of the entire fortune program. Ed.]
49374 University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small.
49377 UNIX enhancements aren't.
49379 Unix gives you just enough rope to hang yourself -- and then a couple
49380 of more feet, just to be sure.
49384 -- Rob Gingell on Sun Microsystem's new virtual memory.
49386 Unix is a lot more complicated (than CP/M) of course -- the typical Unix
49387 hacker can never remember what the PRINT command is called this week --
49388 but when it gets right down to it, Unix is a glorified video game.
49389 People don't do serious work on Unix systems; they send jokes around the
49390 world on USENET or write adventure games and research papers.
49392 "Real Programmers Don't Use Pascal", Datamation, 7/83
49394 Unix is a Registered Bell of AT&T Trademark Laboratories.
49397 UNIX is hot. It's more than hot. It's steaming. It's quicksilver
49398 lightning with a laserbeam kicker.
49399 -- Michael Jay Tucker
49401 UNIX is many things to many people,
49402 but it's never been everything to anybody.
49404 Unix is the worst operating system; except for all others.
49408 A computer operating system, once thought to be flabby and
49409 impotent, that now shows a surprising interest in making off
49410 with the workstation harem.
49412 unix soit qui mal y pense
49414 UNIX was not designed to stop you from doing stupid things, because that
49415 would also stop you from doing clever things.
49418 Unix will self-destruct in five seconds... 4... 3... 2... 1...
49420 Unknown person(s) stole the American flag from its pole in Etra Park sometime
49421 between 3pm Jan 17 and 11:30 am Jan 20. The flag is described as red, white
49422 and blue, having 50 stars and was valued at $40.
49423 -- Windsor-Heights Herald "Police Blotter", Jan 28, 1987
49425 Unless hours were cups of sack, and minutes capons, and clocks the tongues
49426 of bawds, and dials the signs of leaping houses, and the blessed sun himself
49427 a fair, hot wench in flame-colored taffeta, I see no reason why thou shouldst
49428 be so superfluous to demand the time of the day. I wasted time and now doth
49430 -- William Shakespeare
49432 Unless you love someone, nothing else makes any sense.
49436 If it happens, it must be possible.
49438 Unprovided with original learning, unformed in the habits of thinking,
49439 unskilled in the arts of composition, I resolved to write a book.
49442 Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American now
49443 pays out twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages.
49446 Until Eve arrived, this was a man's world.
49450 What you left out on April 15th.
49452 Up against the net, redneck mother,
49453 Mother who has raised your son so well;
49454 He's seventeen and hackin' on a Macintosh,
49455 Flaming spelling errors and raisin' hell...
49457 Uppers are no longer stylish, methedrine is almost as rare as pure acid
49458 or DMT. "Consciousness Expansion" went out with LBJ and it is worth
49459 noting, historically, that downers came in with Nixon.
49460 -- Dr. Hunter S. Thompson
49462 Usage: fortune -P [-f] -a [xsz] Q: file [rKe9] -v6[+] file1 ...
49464 Use a pun, go to jail.
49466 Use an accordion. Go to jail.
49467 -- KFOG, San Francisco
49469 Use what talents you possess: the woods would be very silent
49470 if no birds sang there except those that sang best.
49473 USENET would be a better laboratory is there were
49474 more labor and less oratory.
49478 A programmer who will believe anything you tell him.
49483 The word computer professionals use when they mean "idiot."
49484 -- Dave Barry, "Claw Your Way to the Top"
49486 [I always thought "computer professional" was the phrase hackers used
49487 when they meant "idiot." Ed.]
49489 Using TSO is like kicking a dead whale down the beach.
49492 Using [Windows] for any sort of serious work is like playing an old
49493 text-based adventure game. You're five feet from making it to your
49494 goal, when bup-POW! a ten ton rock falls on your head. Because you
49495 didn't disarm the trap three hours before. [...]
49497 I always hated those adventure games.
49500 Using words to describe magic is like using a screwdriver to cut roast beef.
49505 Usually, when a lot of men get together, it's called a war.
49506 -- Mel Brooks, "The Listener"
49509 A two-week binge of rest and relaxation so intense that
49510 it takes another 50 weeks of your restrained workaday
49511 life-style to recuperate.
49514 An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
49517 Honesty is the best policy - there's less competition.
49520 Life is a whole series of circumstances beyond your control.
49522 Variables don't; constants aren't.
49526 Vegetables are what food eats.
49527 Fruit are vegetables that fool you by tasting good.
49528 Fish are fast moving vegetables.
49529 Mushrooms are what grows on vegetables when food's done with them.
49530 -- Meat Eater's Credo, according to Jim Williams
49532 Vegeterians beware! You are what you eat.
49534 Velilind's Laws of Experimentation:
49535 1. If reproducibility may be a problem, conduct the test only once.
49536 2. If a straight line fit is required, obtain only two data points.
49539 I came, I saw, I did a little shopping.
49541 Verba volant, scripta manent!
49543 Vermouth always makes me brilliant unless it makes me idiotic.
49546 Very few people do anything creative after the age of thirty-five. The
49547 reason is that very few people do anything creative before the age of
49551 Very few profundities can be expressed in less than 80 characters.
49553 Very few things actually get manufactured these days, because in an
49554 infinitely large Universe, such as the one in which we live, most things one
49555 could possibly imagine, and a lot of things one would rather not, grow
49556 somewhere. A forest was discovered recently in which most of the trees grew
49557 ratchet screwdrivers as fruit. The life cycle of the ratchet screwdriver is
49558 quite interesting. Once picked it needs a dark dusty drawer in which it can
49559 lie undisturbed for years. Then one night it suddenly hatches, discards its
49560 outer skin that crumbles into dust, and emerges as a totally unidentifiable
49561 little metal object with flanges at both ends and a sort of ridge and a hole
49562 for a screw. This, when found, will get thrown away. No one knows what the
49563 screwdriver is supposed to gain from this. Nature, in her infinite wisdom,
49564 is presumably working on it.
49566 Very few things happen at the right time, and the rest do not happen
49567 at all. The conscientious historian will correct these defects.
49570 Vests are to suits as seat-belts are to cars.
49573 A hungry dog hunts best.
49574 A hungrier dog hunts even better.
49576 Decreased business base increases overhead.
49577 So does increased business base.
49579 The most unsuccessful four years in the education of a cost-estimator
49580 is fifth grade arithmetic.
49582 Acronyms and abbreviations should be used to the maximum extent
49583 possible to make trivial ideas profound. Q.E.D.
49585 Bulls do not win bull fights; people do.
49586 People do not win people fights; lawyers do.
49587 -- Norman Augustine
49589 Victory uber allies!
49592 1. Daring Scandinavian seafarers, explorers, adventurers,
49593 entrepreneurs world-famous for their aggressive, nautical import
49594 business, highly leveraged takeovers and blue eyes.
49595 2. Bloodthirsty sea pirates who ravaged northern Europe beginning
49596 in the 9th century.
49598 Hagar's note: The first definition is much preferred; the second is used
49599 only by malcontents, the envious, and disgruntled owners of waterfront
49603 [I came, I saw, I conquered].
49604 -- Gaius Julius Caesar
49606 "Violence accomplishes nothing." What a contemptible lie! Raw, naked
49607 violence has settled more issues throughout history than any other method
49608 ever employed. Perhaps the city fathers of Carthage could debate the
49609 issue, with Hitler and Alexander as judges?
49611 Violence is a sword that has no handle -- you have to hold the blade.
49613 Violence is molding.
49615 Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.
49618 Violence stinks, no matter which end of it you're on. But now and then
49619 there's nothing left to do but hit the other person over the head with a
49620 frying pan. Sometimes people are just begging for that frypan, and if we
49621 weaken for a moment and honor their request, we should regard it as
49622 impulsive philanthropy, which we aren't in any position to afford, but
49623 shouldn't regret it too loudly lest we spoil the purity of the deed.
49627 A group of beautifully mounted hunters galloping behind
49628 baying hounds in pursuit of a union organizer.
49630 VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept 22)
49631 You are the logical type and hate disorder. This nitpicking is
49632 sickening to your friends. You are cold and unemotional and sometimes
49633 fall asleep while making love. Virgos make good bus drivers.
49635 VIRGO (Aug.23 - Sept.22)
49636 Learn something new today, like how to spell or how to count
49637 to ten without using your fingers. Be careful dressing this
49638 morning. You may be hit by a car later in the day and you
49639 wouldn't want to be taken to the doctor's office in some of
49640 that old underwear you own.
49642 Virtue does not always demand a heavy sacrifice --
49643 only the willingness to make it when necessary.
49646 Virtue is its own punishment.
49649 Righteous people terrify me ... virtue is its own punishment.
49652 Virtue is not left to stand alone.
49653 He who practices it will have neighbors.
49656 Virtue would go far if vanity did not keep it company.
49657 -- La Rochefoucauld
49659 Visit beautiful Vergas Minnesota.
49661 Visit beautiful Wisconsin Dells.
49663 Visits always give pleasure: if not on arrival, then on the departure.
49664 -- Edouard Le Berquier, "Pensees des Autres"
49667 The world's foremost multi-user adventure game.
49669 VMS version 2.0 ==>
49677 A mountain with hiccups.
49679 Volcanoes have a grandeur that is grim
49680 And earthquakes only terrify the dolts,
49681 And to him who's scientific
49682 There is nothing that's terrific
49683 In the pattern of a flight of thunderbolts!
49684 -- W.S. Gilbert, "The Mikado"
49687 It is better to have lobbed and lost
49688 than never to have lobbed at all.
49690 Von Neumann was the subject of many dotty professor stories. Von Neumann
49691 supposedly had the habit of simply writing answers to homework assignments on
49692 the board (the method of solution being, of course, obvious) when he was asked
49693 how to solve problems. One time one of his students tried to get more helpful
49694 information by asking if there was another way to solve the problem. Von
49695 Neumann looked blank for a moment, thought, and then answered, "Yes.".
49699 Vote early and vote often.
49700 -- Al Capone's slogan for Big Bill Thompson's anti-reform
49701 campaign for Mayor of Chicago, 1926. Big Bill won.
49704 The feeling that you've *never*, *ever* been in this situation before.
49706 Wad some power the giftie gie us
49707 To see oursels as others see us.
49710 Wagner's music is better than it sounds.
49713 Wait for that wisest of all counselors, Time.
49716 Waiter: "Tea or coffee, gentlemen?"
49717 1st customer: "I'll have tea."
49718 2nd customer: "Me, too -- and be sure the glass is clean!"
49719 (Waiter exits, returns)
49720 Waiter: "Two teas. Which one asked for the clean glass?"
49722 Wake up all you citizens, hear your country's call,
49723 Not to arms and violence, But peace for one and all.
49724 Crush out hate and prejudice, fear and greed and sin,
49725 Help bring back her dignity, restore her faith again.
49727 Work hard for a common cause, don't let our country fall.
49728 Make her proud and strong again, democracy for all.
49729 Yes, make our country strong again, keep our flag unfurled.
49730 Make our country well again, respected by the world.
49732 Make her whole and beautiful, work from sun to sun.
49733 Stand tall and labor side by side, because there's so much to be done.
49734 Yes, make her whole and beautiful, united strong and free,
49735 Wake up, all you citizens, It's up to you and me.
49736 -- Pansy Myers Schroeder
49738 Wake up and smell the coffee.
49741 Waking a person unnecessarily should not be considered
49742 a capital crime. For a first offense, that is.
49744 Walk softly and carry a big stick.
49745 -- Theodore Roosevelt
49747 Walking on water wasn't built in a day.
49750 Walt: Dad, what's gradual school?
49751 Garp: Gradual school?
49752 Walt: Yeah. Mom says her work's more fun now that she's teaching
49754 Garp: Oh. Well, gradual school is someplace you go and gradually
49755 find out that you don't want to go to school anymore.
49756 -- The World According To Garp
49759 All airline flights depart from the gates most distant from
49760 the center of the terminal. Nobody ever had a reservation
49761 on a plane that left Gate 1.
49765 Wanna tell you all a story 'bout a man named Jed,
49766 A poor mountaineer, barely kept his family fed.
49767 But then one day he was shootin' at some food,
49768 When up through the ground come a bubblin' crude -- oil, that is;
49769 black gold; 'Texas tea' ...
49771 Well the next thing ya know, old Jed's a millionaire.
49772 The kinfolk said, 'Jed, move away from there!'
49773 They said, 'Californy is the place ya oughta be',
49774 So they loaded up the truck and they moved to Beverly -- Hills, that is;
49775 swimmin' pools; movie stars.
49777 War doesn't prove who's right, just who's left.
49779 War hath no fury like a non-combatant.
49780 -- Charles Edward Montague
49782 War is an equal opportunity destroyer.
49784 War is delightful to those who have had no experience of it.
49785 -- Desiderius Erasmus
49787 War is like love, it always finds a way.
49788 -- Bertolt Brecht, "Mother Courage"
49790 War is much too serious a matter to be entrusted to the military.
49793 War spares not the brave, but the cowardly.
49797 Reading this fortune can affect the dimensionality of your
49798 mind, change the curvature of your spine, cause the growth
49799 of hair on your palms, and make a difference in the outcome
49800 of your favorite war.
49803 This system is subject to breakdowns during periods of critical need!
49804 A special circuit in the computer called a "critical detector" senses the
49805 user's emotional state in terms of how desperate they are to get their program
49806 to run. The "critical detector" then creates a bug in the program proportional
49807 to the desperation of the user. Threatening the terminal with violence only
49808 aggravates the situation, causing the program to immediately crash or the
49809 entire system to go down. Likewise, attempts to use another terminal may cause
49810 it to core dump. (They all belong to the same LAN.) Keep cool and say nice
49811 things to the terminal.
49813 Warning: Trespassers will be shot.
49814 Survivors will be shot again.
49817 This machine is subject to breakdowns during periods of critical need.
49819 A special circuit in the machine called "critical detector" senses the
49820 operator's emotional state in terms of how desperate he/she is to use the
49821 machine. The "critical detector" then creates a malfunction proportional
49822 to the desperation of the operator. Threatening the machine with violence
49823 only aggravates the situation. Likewise, attempts to use another machine
49824 may cause it to malfunction. They belong to the same union. Keep cool
49825 and say nice things to the machine. Nothing else seems to work.
49827 See also: flog(1), tm(1)
49829 Was there a time when dancers with their fiddles
49830 In children's circuses could stay their troubles?
49831 There was a time they could cry over books,
49832 But time has set its maggot on their track.
49833 Under the arc of the sky they are unsafe.
49834 What's never known is safest in this life.
49835 Under the skysigns they who have no arms
49836 Have cleanest hands, and, as the heartless ghost
49837 Alone's unhurt, so the blind man sees best.
49838 -- Dylan Thomas, "Was There A Time"
49840 Washington, D.C. Wasting your money since 1810.
49842 Washington, D.C: Fifty square miles almost completely surrounded by reality.
49844 Washington [D.C.] is a city of Southern efficiency and Northern charm.
49847 [Washington, D.C.] is the home of... taste for
49848 the people -- the big, the bland and the banal.
49849 -- Ada Louise Huxtable
49851 Wasn't there something about a PASCAL programmer
49852 knowing the value of everything and the Wirth of nothing?
49854 Waste not fresh tears over old griefs.
49857 Waste not, get your budget cut next year.
49859 Wasting time is an important part of living.
49861 Watch all-night Donna Reed reruns until your mind resembles oatmeal.
49863 Watch your mouth, kid, or you'll find yourself floating home.
49866 Water, taken in moderation cannot hurt anybody.
49870 You've read the book. You've seen the movie. Now eat the stew!
49873 The reliability of machinery is inversely proportional to the
49874 number and significance of any persons watching it.
49877 The single most important word in the world.
49879 We all agree on the necessity of compromise. We just can't agree on
49880 when it's necessary to compromise.
49883 We all declare for liberty, but in using the
49884 same word we do not all mean the same thing.
49887 We all dream of being the darling of everybody's darling.
49889 We all know that no one understands anything that isn't funny.
49891 We all like praise, but a hike in our pay is the best kind of ways.
49893 We all live in a state of ambitious poverty.
49894 -- Decimus Junius Juvenalis
49896 We all live under the same sky, but we don't all have the same horizon.
49897 -- Dr. Konrad Adenauer
49899 We are all agreed that your theory is crazy. The question which divides us is
49900 whether it is crazy enough to have a chance of being correct. My own feeling
49901 is that it is not crazy enough.
49904 We are all born charming, fresh and spontaneous and must be civilized
49905 before we are fit to participate in society.
49906 -- Judith Martin, "Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly
49909 We are all born equal... just some of us are more equal than others.
49911 We are all born mad. Some remain so.
49914 We are all dying -- and we're gonna be dead for a long time.
49916 We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.
49919 We are all so much together and yet we are all dying of loneliness.
49922 We are all worms. But I do believe I am a glowworm.
49923 -- Winston Churchill
49925 We are anthill men upon an anthill world.
49928 We ARE as gods and might as well get good at it.
49929 -- Whole Earth Catalog
49931 We are confronted with unsurmountable opportunities.
49934 We are drowning in information but starved for knowledge.
49935 -- John Naisbitt, Megatrends
49937 We are each entitled to our own opinion, but no one is entitled to his
49939 -- Patrick Moynihan
49941 We are each only one drop in a great
49942 ocean -- but some of the drops sparkle!
49944 We are experiencing system trouble -- do not adjust your terminal.
49946 We are giving instruction to FBI agents in the various Chinese
49947 dialects ... to handle present and likely future contingencies.
49950 We are going to give a little something, a few little years more, to
49951 socialism, because socialism is defunct. It dies all by itself. The bad
49952 thing is that socialism, being a victim of its ... Did I say socialism?
49955 We are going to give a little something, a few little years more, to
49956 socialism, because socialism is defunct. It dies all by itself. The
49957 bad thing is that socialism, being a victim of its...
49958 Did I say socialism?
49961 We are going to have peace even if we have to fight for it.
49962 -- Dwight D. Eisenhower
49964 We are Microsoft. Unix is irrelevant.
49965 Openness is futile. Prepare to be assimilated.
49967 We are not a clone.
49969 We are not a loved organization, but we are a respected one.
49974 We are not loved by our friends for what we are;
49975 rather, we are loved in spite of what we are.
49978 We are preparing to think about contemplating preliminary work on plans to
49979 develop a schedule for producing the 10th Edition of the Unix Programmers
49983 We are simple killers of people and destroyers of property.
49985 We are so fond of each other because our ailments are the same.
49988 We are sorry. We cannot complete your call as dialed. Please check
49989 the number and dial again or ask your operator for assistance.
49991 This is a recording.
49993 We are stronger than our skin of flesh and metal, for we carry and
49994 share a spectrum of suns and lands that lends us legends as we craft
49995 our immortality and interweave our destinies of water and air,
49996 leaving shadows that gather color of their own, until they outshine
49997 the substance that cast them.
49999 We are the people our parents warned us about.
50001 We are the unwilling... led by the unqualified...
50002 to do the unnecessary... for the ungrateful...
50003 -- GI in Vietnam, 1970
50005 We are unavoidably drawn towards conservatism and death.
50006 The order is not insignificant.
50007 -- Poul Henningsen [1894-1967]
50009 We are what we are.
50011 We are what we pretend to be.
50012 -- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.
50014 We can defeat gravity. The problem is the paperwork involved.
50016 We can embody the truth, but we cannot know it.
50019 We can found no scientific discipline, nor a healthy profession on the
50020 technical mistakes of the Department of Defense and IBM.
50021 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
50023 We cannot command nature except by obeying her.
50024 -- Sir Francis Bacon
50026 We cannot do everything at once, but we can do something at once.
50029 We could do that, but it would be wrong, that's for sure.
50032 We could nuke Baghdad into glass, wipe it with Windex, tie fatback on our
50033 feet and go skating.
50034 -- Fred Reed, Air Force Times columnist.
50036 We dedicate this book to our fellow citizens who, for love of truth,
50037 take from their own wants by taxes and gifts, and now and then send
50038 forth one of themselves as dedicated servant, to forward the search
50039 into the mysteries and marvelous simplicities of this strange and
50040 beautiful Universe, Our home.
50041 -- "Gravitation", Misner, Thorne, and Wheeler
50043 We don't believe in rheumatism and true love until after the first attack.
50044 -- Marie Ebner von Eschenbach
50046 We don't care. We don't have to. We're the Phone Company.
50048 We don't care how they do it in New York.
50050 We don't have to protect the environment -- the Second Coming is at hand.
50051 -- James Watt, noted theologian
50053 We don't know one millionth of one percent about anything.
50055 We don't know who discovered water, but we're certain it wasn't a fish.
50057 We don't know who it was that discovered water, but we're pretty sure
50058 that it wasn't a fish.
50059 -- Marshall McLuhan
50061 We don't like their sound. Groups of guitars are on the way out.
50062 -- Decca Recording Company, turning down the Beatles, 1962
50064 We don't need no education, we don't need no thought control.
50067 We don't need no indirection We don't need no compilation
50068 We don't need no flow control We don't need no load control
50069 No data typing or declarations No link edit for external bindings
50070 Hey! did you leave the lists alone? Hey! did you leave that source alone?
50072 Oh No. It's just a pure LISP function call.
50074 We don't need no side-effecting We don't need no allocation
50075 We don't need no flow control We don't need no special-nodes
50076 No global variables for execution No dark bit-flipping for debugging
50077 Hey! did you leave the args alone? Hey! did you leave those bits alone?
50079 -- "Another Glitch in the Call", a la Pink Floyd
50081 We don't really understand it, so we'll give it to the programmers.
50083 We don't smoke and we don't chew, and we don't go with girls that do.
50086 We don't understand the software, and sometimes we don't
50087 understand the hardware, but we can *see* the blinking lights!
50089 We found on St. Paul's only two kinds of birds -- the booby and the noddy...
50090 Both are of a tame and stupid disposition, and are so unaccustomed to
50091 visitors, that I could have killed any number of them with my geological
50095 We give advice, but we cannot give the wisdom to profit by it.
50096 -- La Rochefoucauld
50098 We gotta get out of this place,
50099 If it's the last thing we ever do.
50102 We have a equal opportunity Calculus class -- it's fully integrated.
50104 We have art that we do not die of the truth.
50107 We have ears, earther...FOUR OF THEM!
50109 We have gone on piling weapon upon weapon, missile upon missile, new
50110 levels of destructiveness upon old ones. We have done this helplessly,
50111 almost involuntarily: like the victims of some sort of hypnotism, like
50112 men in a dream, like lemmings heading for the sea, like the children of
50113 Hamelin marching blindly along behind their Pied Piper. And the result
50114 is that today we have achieved, we and the Russians together, in the
50115 creation of these devices and their means of delivery, levels of
50116 redundancy of such grotesque dimensions as to defy rational understanding.
50117 -- George Kennan, May 19, 1981
50119 We have lingered long enough on the shores of the Cosmic Ocean.
50122 We have met the enemy, and he is us.
50125 We have more to fear from the bungling of the incompetent
50126 than from the machinations of the wicked.
50128 We have no scorched earth policy.
50129 We have a policy of scorched Communists.
50130 -- General Efrain Rios Montt, President of Guatemala, 1982
50132 We have not inherited the earth from our parents, we've borrowed it from
50135 We have nowhere else to go... this is all we have.
50138 We have reason to be afraid. This is a terrible place.
50141 We have seen the light at the end of the tunnel, and it's out.
50143 We have the flu. I don't know if this particular strain has an official
50144 name, but if it does, it must be something like "Martian Death Flu". You
50145 may have had it yourself. The main symptom is that you wish you had another
50146 setting on your electric blanket, up past "HIGH", that said "ELECTROCUTION".
50147 Another symptom is that you cease brushing your teeth, because (a)
50148 your teeth hurt, and (b) you lack the strength. Midway through the brushing
50149 process, you'd have to lie down in front of the sink to rest for a couple
50150 of hours, and rivulets of toothpaste foam would dribble sideways out of your
50151 mouth, eventually hardening into crusty little toothpaste stalagmites that
50152 would bond your head permanently to the bathroom floor, which is how the
50153 police would find you.
50154 You know the kind of flu I'm talking about.
50157 We interrupt this fortune for an important announcement...
50159 "We invented a new protocol and called it Kermit, after Kermit the Frog,
50160 star of "The Muppet Show." [3]
50162 [3] Why? Mostly because there was a Muppets calendar on the wall when we
50163 were trying to think of a name, and Kermit is a pleasant, unassuming sort of
50164 character. But since we weren't sure whether it was OK to name our protocol
50165 after this popular television and movie star, we pretended that KERMIT was an
50166 acronym; unfortunately, we could never find a good set of words to go with the
50167 letters, as readers of some of our early source code can attest. Later, while
50168 looking through a name book for his forthcoming baby, Bill Catchings noticed
50169 that "Kermit" was a Celtic word for "free", which is what all Kermit programs
50170 should be, and words to this effect replaced the strained acronyms in our
50171 source code (Bill's baby turned out to be a girl, so he had to name her Becky
50172 instead). When BYTE Magazine was preparing our 1984 Kermit article for
50173 publication, they suggested we contact Henson Associates Inc. for permission
50174 to say that we did indeed name the protocol after Kermit the Frog. Permission
50175 was kindly granted, and now the real story can be told. I resisted the
50176 temptation, however, to call the present work "Kermit the Book."
50177 -- Frank da Cruz, "Kermit - A File Transfer Protocol"
50179 We is confronted with insurmountable opportunities.
50180 -- Walt Kelly, "Pogo"
50182 We know next to nothing about virtually everything. It is not necessary
50183 to know the origin of the universe; it is necessary to want to know.
50184 Civilization depends not on any particular knowledge, but on the disposition
50185 to crave knowledge.
50188 We laugh at the Indian philosopher, who to account for the support
50189 of the earth, contrived the hypothesis of a huge elephant, and to support
50190 the elephant, a huge tortoise. If we will candidly confess the truth, we
50191 know as little of the operation of the nerves, as he did of the manner in
50192 which the earth is supported: and our hypothesis about animal spirits, or
50193 about the tension and vibrations of the nerves, are as like to be true, as
50194 his about the support of the earth. His elephant was a hypothesis, and our
50195 hypotheses are elephants. Every theory in philosophy, which is built on
50196 pure conjecture, is an elephant; and every theory that is supported partly
50197 by fact, and partly by conjecture, is like Nebuchadnezzar's image, whose
50198 feet were partly of iron, and partly of clay.
50199 -- Thomas Reid, "An Inquiry into the Human Mind", 1764
50201 We lie loudest when we lie to ourselves.
50204 We love our little Johnny
50205 He's the best little boy in all the world
50206 And we wouldn't trade him for anything
50207 That's how much we love him.
50208 No, we couldn't live without him
50209 So that's why, since he died,
50210 We keep him safe in our G.E. freezer.
50211 He's so good, so well-behaved,
50212 Even better than before;
50213 Oh, such a wonderful kid he is.
50214 Alice and me, we'll never be lonely,
50215 Never miss our little Johnny,
50216 He'll never grow up and leave us
50217 That's why we love him like we do.
50220 "We maintain that the very foundation of our way of life is what we call
50221 free enterprise," said Cash McCall, "but when one of our citizens
50222 show enough free enterprise to pile up a little of that profit, we do
50223 our best to make him feel that he ought to be ashamed of himself."
50226 We may eventually come to realize that chastity is no more a virtue
50230 We may hope that machines will eventually compete with men in all purely
50231 intellectual fields. But which are the best ones to start with? Many people
50232 think that a very abstract activity, like the playing of chess, would be
50233 best. It can also be maintained that it is best to provide the machine with
50234 the best sense organs that money can buy, and then teach it to understand
50238 We may not be able to persuade Hindus that Jesus and not Vishnu should govern
50239 their spiritual horizon, nor Moslems that Lord Buddha is at the center of
50240 their spiritual universe, nor Hebrews that Mohammed is a major prohpet, nor
50241 Christians that Shinto best expresses their spiritual concerns, to say
50242 nothing of the fact that we may not be able to get Christians to agree among
50243 themselves about their relationship to God. But all will agree on a
50244 proposition that they possess profound spiritual resources. If, in addition,
50245 we can get them to accept the further proposition that whatever form the
50246 Deity may have in their own theology, the Deity is not only external, but
50247 internal and acts through them, and they themselves give proof or disproof
50248 of the Deity in what they do and think; if this further proposition can be
50249 accepted, then we come that much closer to a truly religious situation on
50251 -- Norman Cousins, from his book "Human Options"
50253 We may not like doctors, but at least they doctor. Bankers are not ever
50254 popular but at least they bank. Policeman police and undertakers take
50255 under. But lawyers do not give us law. We receive not the gladsome light
50256 of jurisprudence, but rather precedents, objections, appeals, stays,
50257 filings and forms, motions and counter-motions, all at $250 an hour.
50258 -- Nolo News, summer 1989
50260 We may not return the affection of those who like us,
50261 but we always respect their good judgement.
50263 ...we must be wary of granting too much power to natural selection
50264 by viewing all basic capacities of our brain as direct adaptations.
50265 I do not doubt that natural selection acted in building our oversized
50266 brains -- and I am equally confidant that our brains became large as
50267 an adaptation for definite roles (probably a complex set of interacting
50268 functions). But these assumptions do not lead to the notion, often
50269 uncritically embraced by strict Darwinians, that all major capacities
50270 of the brain must arise as direct products of natural selection.
50271 -- S.J. Gould, "The Mismeasure of Man"
50273 We must believe that it is the darkest before the dawn
50274 of a beautiful new world. We will see it when we believe it.
50277 We must die because we have known them.
50278 -- Ptah-hotep, 2000 B.C.
50280 We must finish once and for all with the neutrality of chess. We must
50281 condemn once and for all the formula 'chess for the sake of chess,' like
50282 the formula 'art for art's sake.' We must organize shock-brigades of
50283 chess-play ers, and begin the immediate realization of a Five-Year Plan
50285 -- Nikolai V. Krylenko, People's Commissar for Justice
50286 (of RFSFR, later of USSR), speaking at a 1932 Congress
50287 of Chess Players, as quoted in Boris Souvarine's
50288 "Stalin," published London, 1939
50290 ...we must not judge the society of the future by considering whether or not
50291 we should like to live in it; the question is whether those who have grown up
50292 in it will be happier than those who have grown up in our society or those of
50294 -- Joseph Wood Krutch
50296 We must remember that in time of war what is said on the enemy's side of
50297 the front is always propaganda and what is said on our side of the front
50298 is truth and righteousness, the cause of humanity and a crusade for peace.
50301 We must remember the First Amendment which
50302 protects any shrill jackass no matter how self-seeking.
50305 We must respect the other fellow's religion, but only in the sense and to
50306 the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his
50308 -- H.L. Mencken, "Minority Report"
50310 We only acknowledge small faults in order
50311 to make it appear that we are free from great ones.
50312 -- LaRouchefoucauld
50314 We prefer to believe that the absence of inverted commas guarantees the
50315 originality of a thought, whereas it may be merely that the utterer has
50316 forgotten its source.
50317 -- Clifton Fadiman, "Any Number Can Play"
50319 We prefer to speak evil of ourselves
50320 rather than not speak of ourselves at all.
50322 We promise according to our hopes, and perform according to our fears.
50324 We rarely find anyone who can say he has lived a happy life, and who,
50325 content with his life, can retire from the world like a satisfied guest.
50326 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
50328 We read to say that we have read.
50330 We really don't have any enemies.
50331 It's just that some of our best friends are trying to kill us.
50333 We secure our friends not by accepting favors but by doing them.
50336 We seem to have forgotten the simple truth that reason is never perfect.
50337 Only non-sense attains perfection.
50338 -- Poul Henningsen [1894-1967]
50340 We seldom repent talking too little, but very often talking too much.
50341 -- Jean de la Bruyere
50343 We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is
50344 in it - and stay there, lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot
50345 stove-lid. She will never sit down on a hot stove-lid again - and that
50346 is well; but also she will never sit down on a cold one any more.
50349 We should be glad we're living in the time that we are. If any of us had been
50350 born into a more enlightened age, I'm sure we would have immediately been taken
50354 We should have a great many fewer disputes in the world if only words were
50355 taken for what they are, the signs of our ideas only, and not for things
50359 We should have a Vollyballocracy. We elect a six-pack of presidents.
50360 Each one serves until they screw up, at which point they rotate.
50363 We should keep the Panama Canal. After all, we stole it fair and square.
50366 We should realize that a city is better off with bad laws, so long as they
50367 remain fixed, then with good laws that are constantly being altered, that
50368 the lack of learning combined with sound common sense is more helpful than
50369 the kind of cleverness that gets out of hand, and that as a general rule,
50370 states are better governed by the man in the street than by intellectuals.
50371 These are the sort of people who want to appear wiser than the laws, who
50372 want to get their own way in every general discussion, because they feel that
50373 they cannot show off their intelligence in matters of greater importance, and
50374 who, as a result, very often bring ruin on their country.
50375 -- Cleon, Thucydides, III, 37 translation by Rex Warner
50377 We the unwilling, led by the ungrateful, are doing the impossible.
50378 We've done so much, for so long, with so little,
50379 that we are now qualified to do something with nothing.
50381 We the Users, in order to form a more perfect system, establish priorities,
50382 ensure connective tranquility, provide for common repairs, promote
50383 preventive maintenance, and secure the blessings of liberty for ourselves
50384 and our processes, do ordain and establish this Software of The Unixed States
50387 We thrive on euphemism. We call multi-megaton bombs "Peace-keepers", closet
50388 size apartments "efficient" and incomprehensible artworks "innovative". In
50389 fact, "euphemism" has become a euphemism for "bald-faced lie". And now, here
50390 are the euphemisms so colorfully employed in Personal Ads:
50393 ------------------- -------------------------
50394 Excited about life's journey No concept of reality
50395 Spiritually evolved Oversensitive
50396 Moody Manic-depressive
50397 Soulful Quiet manic-depressive
50398 Poet Boring manic-depressive
50399 Sultry/Sensual Easy
50400 Uninhibited Lacking basic social skills
50401 Unaffected and earthy Slob and lacking basic social skills
50402 Irreverent Nasty and lacking basic social skills
50403 Very human Quasimodo's best friend
50404 Swarthy Sweaty even when cold or standing still
50405 Spontaneous/Eclectic Scatterbrained
50407 Aging child Self-centered adult
50408 Youthful Over 40 and trying to deny it
50409 Good sense of humor Watches a lot of television
50411 We thrive on euphemism. We call multi-megaton bombs "Peace-keepers", closet
50412 size apartments "efficient" and incomprehensible artworks "innovative". In
50413 fact, "euphemism" has become a euphemism for "bald-faced lie". And now, here
50414 are the euphemisms so colorfully employed in Personal Ads:
50417 ------------------- -------------------------
50418 Independent thinker Crazy
50419 High spirited Crazy and hyperactive
50420 Free spirited Crazy and irresponsible
50421 Outrageous Crazy and obnoxious
50422 Exotic Crazy with a pierced nose/nipple
50424 Huggable/Zaftig/Rubenesque Fat (there's a lot to love)
50425 Big and beautiful Really Fat
50426 Fat 'n' sassy Really Fat and loud
50427 Svelte/Slender Anorexic
50429 Assertive Pushy with a mean streak
50430 Feisty/Ambitious Would kill own mother for next corporate rung
50431 Demanding Will make your life a living hell
50432 Looking for Mr./Ms. Right Looking for Mr./Ms. Rich
50434 We totally deny the allegations, and
50435 we're trying to identify the allegators.
50437 We tried to close Ohio's borders and ran into a Constitutional problem.
50438 There's a provision in the Constitution that says you can't close your
50439 borders to interstate commerce, and garbage is a form of interstate commerce.
50440 -- Ohio Lt. Governor Paul Leonard
50442 [We] use bad software and bad machines for the wrong things.
50445 We warn the reader in advance that the proof presented here
50446 depends on a clever but highly unmotivated trick.
50447 -- Howard Anton, "Elementary Linear Algebra"
50449 We was playin' the Homestead Grays in the city of Pitchburgh. Josh
50450 [Gibson] comes up in the last of the ninth with a man on and us a run
50451 behind. Well, he hit one. The Grays waited around and waited around,
50452 but finally the empire rules it ain't comin' down. So we win. The
50453 next day, we was disputin' the Grays in Philadelphia when here come
50454 a ball outta the sky right in the glove of the Grays' center fielder.
50455 The empire made the only possible call. "You're out, boy!" he says
50456 to Josh. "Yesterday, in Pitchburgh."
50459 We were happily married for eight months. Unfortunately, we
50460 were married for four and a half years.
50463 We were so poor that we thought new clothes meant someone had died.
50465 We were so poor we couldn't afford a watchdog.
50466 If we heard a noise at night, we'd bark ourselves.
50469 We were young and our happiness dazzled us with its strength. But there was
50470 also a terrible betrayal that lay within me like a Merle Haggard song at a
50471 French restaurant. [...]
50472 I could not tell the girl about the woman of the tollway, of her milk
50473 white BMW and her Jordache smile. There had been a fight. I had punched her
50474 boyfriend, who fought the mechanical bulls. Everyone told him, "You ride the
50475 bull, senor. You do not fight it." But he was lean and tough like a bad
50476 rib-eye and he fought the bull. And then he fought me. And when we finished
50477 there were no winners, just men doing what men must do. [...]
50478 "Stop the car," the girl said.
50479 There was a look of terrible sadness in her eyes. She knew about the
50480 woman of the tollway. I knew not how. I started to speak, but she raised an
50481 arm and spoke with a quiet and peace I will never forget.
50482 "I do not ask for whom's the tollway belle," she said, "the tollway
50484 The next morning our youth was a memory, and our happiness was a lie.
50485 Life is like a bad margarita with good tequila, I thought as I poured whiskey
50486 onto my granola and faced a new day.
50487 -- Peter Applebome, International Imitation Hemingway
50490 We who revel in nature's diversity and feel instructed by every animal
50491 tend to brand Homo sapiens as the greatest catastrophe since the Cretaceous
50495 We will have solar energy as soon as the utility companies solve
50496 one technical problem -- how to run a sunbeam through a meter.
50498 we will invent new lullabies, new songs, new acts of love,
50499 we will cry over things we used to laugh &
50500 our new wisdom will bring tears to eyes of gentle
50501 creatures from other planets who were afraid of us till then &
50502 in the end a summer with wild winds &
50503 new friends will be.
50505 We wish you a Hare Krishna
50506 We wish you a Hare Krishna
50507 We wish you a Hare Krishna
50508 And a Sun Myung Moon!
50512 An index of the lack of development of a culture.
50514 Wedding is destiny, and hanging likewise.
50518 A ceremony at which two persons undertake to become one, one
50519 undertakes to become nothing and nothing undertakes to become
50523 Wedding rings are the world's smallest handcuffs.
50526 Never ask two questions in a business letter.
50527 The reply will discuss the one in which you are
50528 least interested and say nothing about the other.
50530 Weekend, where are you?
50533 Nothing is impossible to a person who doesn't have to do the work.
50535 Weinberg, as a young grocery clerk, advised the grocery manager to get
50536 rid of rutabagas which nobody every bought. He did so. "Well, kid, that
50537 was a great idea," said the manager. Then he paused and asked the killer
50538 question, "NOW what's the least popular vegetable?"
50540 Law: Once you eliminate your #1 problem, #2 gets a promotion.
50541 -- Gerald Weinberg, "The Secrets of Consulting"
50543 Weinberg's First Law:
50544 Progress is only made on alternate Fridays.
50546 Weinberg's Principle:
50547 An expert is a person who avoids the small errors while sweeping
50548 on to the grand fallacy.
50550 Weinberg's Second Law:
50551 If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs,
50552 then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.
50554 Weiner's Law of Libraries:
50555 There are no answers, only cross references.
50557 Welcome thy neighbor into thy fallout shelter.
50558 He'll come in handy if you run out of food.
50559 -- Dean McLaughlin.
50561 Welcome to boggle - do you want instructions?
50573 Welcome to Lake Wobegon, where all the men are strong,
50574 The women are pretty, and the children are above-average.
50575 -- Garrison Keillor
50577 Welcome to the Zoo!
50579 Welcome to UNIX! Enjoy your session! Have a great time! Note the
50580 use of exclamation points! They are a very effective method for
50581 demonstrating excitement, and can also spice up an otherwise plain-looking
50582 sentence! However, there are drawbacks! Too much unnecessary exclaiming
50583 can lead to a reduction in the effect that an exclamation point has on
50584 the reader! For example, the sentence
50586 Jane went to the store to buy bread
50588 should only be ended with an exclamation point if there is something
50589 sensational about her going to the store, for example, if Jane is a
50590 cocker spaniel or if Jane is on a diet that doesn't allow bread or if
50591 Jane doesn't exist for some reason! See how easy it is?! Proper control
50592 of exclamation points can add new meaning to your life! Call now to receive
50593 my free pamphlet, "The Wonder and Mystery of the Exclamation Point!"!
50594 Enclose fifteen(!) dollars for postage and handling! Operators are
50595 standing by! (Which is pretty amazing, because they're all cocker spaniels!)
50598 If you think our liquor laws are funny, you should see our underwear!
50600 Well, anyway, I was reading this James Bond book, and right away I realized
50601 that like most books, it had too many words. The plot was the same one that
50602 all James Bond books have: An evil person tries to blow up the world, but
50603 James Bond kills him and his henchmen and makes love to several attractive
50604 women. There, that's it: 24 words. But the guy who wrote the book took
50605 *thousands* of words to say it.
50606 Or consider "The Brothers Karamazov", by the famous Russian alcoholic
50607 Fyodor Dostoyevsky. It's about these two brothers who kill their father.
50608 Or maybe only one of them kills the father. It's impossible to tell because
50609 what they mostly do is talk for nearly a thousand pages.If all Russians talk
50610 as much as the Karamazovs did, I don't see how they found time to become a
50612 I'm told that Dostoyevsky wrote "The Brothers Karamazov" to raise
50613 the question of whether there is a God. So why didn't he just come right
50614 out and say: "Is there a God? It sure beats the heck out of me."
50615 Other famous works could easily have been summarized in a few words:
50617 * "Moby Dick" -- Don't mess around with large whales because they symbolize
50618 nature and will kill you.
50619 * "A Tale of Two Cities" -- French people are crazy.
50622 We'll be recording at the Paradise Friday
50623 night. Live, on the Death label.
50624 -- Swan, "Phantom of the Paradise"
50626 Well begun is half done.
50629 We'll cross that bridge when we come back to it later.
50631 Well, didja wake up grouchy or did you let her sleep?
50633 Well, don't worry about it... It's nothing.
50634 -- Lieutenant Kermit Tyler (Duty Officer of Shafter Information
50635 Center, Hawaii), upon being informed that Private Joseph
50636 Lockard had picked up a radar signal of what appeared to be
50637 at least 50 planes soaring toward Oahu at almost 180 miles
50638 per hour, December 7, 1941.
50640 Well, fancy giving money to the Government!
50641 Might as well have put it down the drain.
50642 Fancy giving money to the Government!
50643 Nobody will see the stuff again.
50644 Well, they've no idea what money's for --
50645 Ten to one they'll start another war.
50646 I've heard a lot of silly things, but, Lor'!
50647 Fancy giving money to the Government!
50650 We'll have solar energy when the power companies develop a sunbeam meter.
50652 Well, he didn't know what to do, so he decided to look at the government,
50653 to see what they did, and scale it down and run his life that way.
50656 Well, here it is, 1983, so it won't be long before you start reading a lot
50657 of boring stories about people like Vance Hartke. Hartke is a governor or
50658 mayor or something from one of the flatter states, and the reason you'll be
50659 reading about him is that he's one of the 50 top contenders for the 1984
50660 Democratic presidential nomination. These men will spend the next 18 months
50661 going around the country engaging in the most degrading activities imaginable,
50662 such as wearing idiot hats and appearing on "Meet the Press". "Meet the
50663 Press" is one of those Sunday morning public interest shows that the public
50664 is not the least bit interested in. It features a panel of reporters who
50665 ask questions of a guest politician, who wins an Amana home freezer if he
50666 can get through the entire show without answering a single question.
50669 Well I looked at my watch and it said a quarter to five,
50670 The headline screamed that I was still alive,
50671 I couldn't understand it, I thought I died last night.
50672 I dreamed I'd been in a border town,
50673 In a little cantina that the boys had found,
50674 I was desperate to dance, just to dig the local sounds.
50675 When along came a senorita,
50676 She looked so good that I had to meet her,
50677 I was ready to approach her with my English charm,
50678 When her brass knuckled boyfriend grabbed me by the arm,
50679 And he said, grow some funk of your own, amigo,
50680 Grow some funk of your own.
50681 We no like to with the gringo fight,
50682 But there might be a death in Mexico tonite.
50684 Take my advice, take the next flight,
50685 And grow some funk, grow your funk at home.
50686 -- Elton John, "Grow Some Funk of Your Own"
50688 Well, I would -- if they realized that we -- again if -- if we led them
50689 back to that stalemate only because our retaliatory power, our seconds,
50690 or strike at them after our first strike, would be so destructive they
50691 they couldn't afford it, that would hold them off.
50692 -- Ronald Reagan, on the MX missile
50694 Well, if you can't believe what you read
50695 in a comic book, what *can* you believe?
50696 -- Bullwinkle J. Moose
50698 Well, I'm disenchanted too. We're all disenchanted.
50701 Well, it's hard for a mere man to believe that woman doesn't have equal
50703 -- Dwight D. Eisenhower
50705 Well, Jim, I'm not much of an actor either.
50707 We'll know that rock is dead when you have to get a degree to work in it.
50709 WE'LL LOOK INTO IT:
50710 By the time the wheels make a full turn, we
50711 assume you will have forgotten about it,too.
50713 Well, my daddy left home when I was three,
50714 And he didn't leave much for Ma and me,
50715 Just and old guitar an'a empty bottle of booze.
50716 Now I don't blame him 'cause he ran and hid,
50717 But the meanest thing that he ever did,
50718 Was before he left he went and named me Sue.
50720 But I made me a vow to the moon and the stars,
50721 I'd search the honkey tonks and the bars,
50722 And kill the man that give me that awful name.
50723 It was Gatlinburg in mid-July,
50724 I'd just hit town and my throat was dry,
50725 Thought I'd stop and have myself a brew,
50726 At an old saloon on a street of mud,
50727 Sitting at a table, dealing stud,
50728 Sat that dirty (bleep) that named me Sue.
50730 Now, I knew that snake was my own sweet Dad,
50731 From a wornout picture that my Mother had,
50732 And I knew that scar on his cheek and his evil eye...
50733 -- Johnny Cash, "A Boy Named Sue"
50735 Well, my terminal's locked up, and I ain't got any Mail,
50736 And I can't recall the last time that my program didn't fail;
50737 I've got stacks in my structs, I've got arrays in my queues,
50738 I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues.
50740 If you think that it's nice that you get what you C,
50741 Then go : illogical statement with your whole family,
50742 'Cause the Supreme Court ain't the only place with : Bus error views.
50743 I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues.
50745 On a PDP-11, life should be a breeze,
50746 But with VAXen in the house even magnetic tapes would freeze.
50747 Now you might think that unlike VAXen I'd know who I abuse,
50748 I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues.
50749 -- Core Dumped Blues
50751 Well, of course it worked. You made the ritual blood sacrifice. If you
50752 bleed on a machine while working on it, it will work. Unless it
50753 doesn't. In which case, you need someone else to bleed on it as well.
50756 We'll pivot at warp 2 and bring all tubes to bear, Mr. Sulu!
50758 Well, some take delight in the carriages a-rolling,
50759 And some take delight in the hurling and the bowling,
50760 But I take delight in the juice of the barley,
50761 And courting pretty fair maids in the morning bright and early.
50763 Well thaaaaaaat's okay.
50765 Well, the handwriting is on the floor.
50768 We'll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens,
50769 we feel a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail.
50772 Well, we'll really have a party,
50773 but we've gotta post a guard outside.
50774 -- Eddie Cochran, "Come On Everybody"
50776 "Well, well, well! Well if it isn't fat stinking billy goat Billy Boy in
50777 poison! How art thou, thou globby bottle of cheap stinking chip oil? Come
50778 and get one in the yarbles, if ya have any yarble, ya eunuch jelly thou!"
50779 -- Alex in "Clockwork Orange"
50781 Well, we're big rock singers, we've got golden fingers,
50782 And we're loved everywhere we go.
50783 We sing about beauty, and we sing about truth,
50784 At ten thousand dollars a show.
50785 We take all kind of pills to give us all kind of thrills,
50786 But the thrill we've never known,
50787 Is the thrill that'll get'cha, when you get your picture,
50788 On the cover of the Rolling Stone.
50790 I got a freaky old lady, name of Cole King Katie,
50791 Who embroiders on my jeans.
50792 I got my poor old gray-haired daddy,
50793 Drivin' my limousine.
50794 Now it's all designed, to blow our minds,
50795 But our minds won't be really be blown;
50796 Like the blow that'll get'cha, when you get your picture,
50797 On the cover of the Rolling Stone.
50799 We got a lot of little, teen-aged, blue-eyed groupies,
50800 Who'll do anything we say.
50801 We got a genuine Indian guru, that's teachin' us a better way.
50802 We got all the friends that money can buy,
50803 So we never have to be alone.
50804 And we keep gettin' richer, but we can't get our picture,
50805 On the cover of the Rolling Stone.
50806 -- Dr. Hook and the Medicine Show
50807 [As a note, they eventually DID make the cover of RS. Ed.]
50809 "Well, we've come full circle, Lord; I'd like to think there's some
50810 higher meaning to all this. It would certainly reflect well on you."
50812 Well, you know, no matter where you go, there you are.
50816 The ability to play bridge or golf as if they were games.
50837 -- "Alliance Airport, from The Poetry Of H. Ross Perot,
50838 recited on ABC's Town Meeting, June 29, 1992.
50839 From SPY Magazine, November 1992
50841 We're all in this alone.
50844 We're constantly being bombarded by insulting and humiliating music, which
50845 people are making for you the way they make those Wonder Bread products.
50846 Just as food can be bad for your system, music can be bad for your spirtual
50847 and emotional feelings. It might taste good or clever, but in the long run,
50848 it's not going to do anything for you.
50849 -- Bob Dylan, "LA Times", September 5, 1984
50851 We're fantastically incredibly sorry for all these extremely unreasonable
50852 things we did. I can only plead that my simple, barely-sentient friend
50853 and myself are underprivileged, deprived and also college students.
50854 -- Waldo D.R. Dobbs
50856 We're happy little Vegemites,
50857 As bright as bright can be.
50858 We all all enjoy our Vegemite
50859 For breakfast, lunch and tea.
50861 Were it not for the presence of the unwashed and the half-educated, the
50862 formless, queer and incomplete, the unreasonable and absurd, the infinite
50863 shapes of the delightful human tadpole, the horizon would not wear so wide
50865 -- F.M. Colby, "Imaginary Obligations"
50867 We're Knights of the Round Table
50868 We dance whene'er we're able
50869 We do routines and chorus scenes We're knights of the Round Table
50870 With footwork impeccable Our shows are formidable
50871 We dine well here in Camelot But many times
50872 We eat ham and jam and Spam a lot. We're given rhymes
50873 That are quite unsingable
50874 In war we're tough and able, We're opera mad in Camelot
50875 Quite indefatigable We sing from the diaphragm a lot.
50878 And impersonate Clark Gable
50879 It's a busy life in Camelot.
50880 I have to push the pram a lot.
50883 We're living in a golden age. All you need is gold.
50886 We're mortal -- which is to say, we're ignorant, stupid, and sinful --
50887 but those are only handicaps. Our pride is that nevertheless, now and
50888 then, we do our best. A few times we succeed. What more dare we ask for?
50891 "We're not talking about the same thing," he said. "For you the world is
50892 weird because if you're not bored with it you're at odds with it. For me
50893 the world is weird because it is stupendous, awesome, mysterious,
50894 unfathomable; my interest has been to convince you that you must accept
50895 responsibility for being here, in this marvelous world, in this marvelous
50896 desert, in this marvelous time. I wanted to convince you that you must
50897 learn to make every act count, since you are going to be here for only a
50898 short while, in fact, too short for witnessing all the marvels of it."
50901 We're only in it for the volume.
50904 Were there no women, men might live like gods.
50907 Wernher von Braun settled for a V-2 when he coulda had a V-8.
50909 Westheimer's Discovery:
50910 A couple of months in the laboratory can
50911 frequently save a couple of hours in the library.
50914 Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups.
50916 We've tried each spinning space mote
50917 And reckoned its true worth:
50918 Take us back again to the homes of men
50919 On the cool, green hills of Earth.
50921 The arching sky is calling
50922 Spacemen back to their trade.
50923 All hands! Standby! Free falling!
50924 And the lights below us fade.
50925 Out ride the sons of Terra,
50926 Far drives the thundering jet,
50927 Up leaps the race of Earthmen,
50928 Out, far, and onward yet--
50930 We pray for one last landing
50931 On the globe that gave us birth;
50932 Let us rest our eyes on the fleecy skies
50933 And the cool, green hills of Earth.
50934 -- Robert A. Heinlein, 1941
50936 Wharbat darbid yarbou sarbay?
50941 What a bonanza! An unknown beginner to be directed by Lubitsch, in a script
50942 by Wilder and Brackett, and to play with Paramount's two superstars, Gary
50943 Cooper and Claudette Colbert, and to be beaten up by both of them!
50944 -- David Niven, "Bring On the Empty Horses"
50946 What a misfortune to be a woman! And yet, the worst misfortune is not to
50947 understand what a misfortune it is.
50948 -- Kierkegaard, 1813-1855.
50950 What a strange game. The only winning move is not to play.
50951 -- WOP, "War Games"
50953 What, after all, is a halo? It's only one more thing to keep clean.
50956 What an artist dies with me!
50959 What an author likes to write most is his signature on the
50963 What awful irony is this?
50964 We are as gods, but know it not.
50966 What causes the mysterious death of everyone?
50968 What color is a chameleon on a mirror?
50970 What did ya do with your burder and your cross?
50971 Did you carry it yourself or did you cry?
50972 You and I know that a burden and a cross,
50973 Can only be carried on one man's back.
50974 -- Louden Wainwright III
50976 What did you bring that book I didn't want
50977 to be read to out of about Down Under up for?
50979 What did you do when the ship sank?
50980 I grabbed a cake of soap and washed myself ashore.
50982 What do I consider a reasonable person to be? I'd say a reasonable person
50983 is one who accepts that we are all human and therefore fallible, and takes
50984 that into account when dealing with others. Implicit in this definition is
50985 the belief that it is the right and the responsibility of each person to
50986 live his or her own life as he or she sees fit, to respect this right in
50987 others, and to demand the assumption of this responsibility by others.
50989 What do you give a man who has everything? Penicillin.
50992 What do you have when you have six lawyers buried up to their necks in sand?
50995 What does education often do?
50996 It makes a straight cut ditch of a free meandering brook.
50997 -- Henry David Thoreau
50999 What does it mean if there is no fortune for you?
51001 What does it take for Americans to do great things; to go to the moon, to
51002 win wars, to dig canals linking oceans, to build railroads across a continent?
51003 In independent thought about this question, Neil Armstrong and I concluded
51004 that it takes a coincidence of four conditions, or in Neil's view, the
51005 simultaneous peaking of four of the many cycles of American life. First, a
51006 base of technology must exist from which to do the thing to be done. Second,
51007 a period of national uneasiness about America's place in the scheme of human
51008 activities must exist. Third, some catalytic event must occur that focuses
51009 the national attention upon the direction to proceed. Finally, an articulate
51010 and wise leader must sense these first three conditions and put forth with
51011 words and action the great thing to be accomplished. The motivation of young
51012 Americans to do what needs to be done flows from such a coincidence of
51013 conditions. ... The Thomas Jeffersons, The Teddy Roosevelts, The John
51014 Kennedys appear. We must begin to create the tools of leadership which they,
51015 and their young frontiersmen, will require to lead us onward and upward.
51016 -- Dr. Harrison H. Schmidt
51018 What does not destroy me, makes me stronger.
51021 What ever happened to happily ever after?
51023 What excuses stand in your way? How can you eliminate them?
51026 What foods these morsels be!
51028 What fools these morals be!
51030 What fools these mortals be.
51031 -- Lucius Annaeus Seneca
51033 What garlic is to salad, insanity is to art.
51035 What goes up must come down. But don't expect it to come down
51036 where you can find it. Murphy's Law applied to Newton's.
51038 What good is a ticket to the good life,
51039 if you can't find the entrance?
51041 What good is an obscenity trial except to popularize literature?
51042 -- Nero Wolfe, "The League of Frightened Men"
51044 What good is having someone who can walk on water if you don't follow
51047 What good is having someone who can walk
51048 on water if you don't follow in his footsteps?
51050 What good is it if you talk in flowers, and they think in pastry?
51051 -- Ashleigh Brilliant
51053 What happened last night can happen again.
51055 What happens if a big asteroid hits Earth? Judging from realistic simulations
51056 involving a sledge hammer and a common laboratory frog, we can assume it will
51060 What happens to a dream deferred?
51062 Like a raisin in the sun?
51063 Or fester like a sore --
51065 Does it stink like rotten meat?
51066 Or crust and sugar over --
51067 Like a syrupy sweet?
51072 Or does it explode?
51075 What happens when you cut back the jungle? It recedes.
51077 What has roots as nobody sees,
51078 Is taller than trees,
51080 And yet never grows?
51082 What I mean (and everybody else means) by the word QUALITY cannot be
51083 broken down into subjects and predicates. This is not because Quality
51084 is so mysterious but because Quality is so simple, immediate, and direct.
51085 -- R. Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance"
51087 What I tell you three times is true.
51090 What I want is all of the power and none of the responsibility.
51092 What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists?
51093 In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.
51094 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
51096 What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream?
51097 Or what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?
51098 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
51100 What if there had been room at the inn?
51101 -- Linda Festa on the origins of Christianity
51103 What is a magician but a practising theorist?
51106 What is algebra, exactly? Is it one of those three-cornered things?
51109 What is comedy? Comedy is the art of making people laugh without making
51113 What is food to one, is to others bitter poison.
51114 -- Titus Lucretius Carus
51116 What is good? Everything that heightens the feeling of power in man, the
51117 will to power, power itself. What is bad? Everything that is born of
51118 weakness. Not contentedness but more power; not peace but war; not virtue
51119 but fitness. The weak and the failures shall perish: first principle of
51120 our love of man. And they shall even be given every possible assistance.
51121 What is more harmful than any vice? Active pity for all the failures and
51122 all the weak: Christianity.
51123 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
51125 What is important is food, money and opportunities for scoring off one's
51126 enemies. Give a man these three things and you won't hear much squawking
51128 -- Brian O'Nolan, "The Best of Myles"
51130 What is irritating about love is that it is a crime that requires
51132 -- Charles Baudelaire
51134 What is love but a second-hand emotion?
51137 What is mind? No matter.
51138 What is matter? Never mind.
51139 -- Thomas Hewitt Key, 1799-1875
51141 What is now proved was once only imagin'd.
51144 What is research but a blind date with knowledge?
51147 What is robbing a bank compared with founding a bank?
51148 -- Bertolt Brecht, "The Threepenny Opera"
51151 Status is when the President calls you for your opinion.
51154 Status is when the President calls you in to discuss a
51157 Uh, that still ain't right...
51158 STATUS is when you're in the Oval Office talking to the President,
51159 and the phone rings. The President picks it up, listens for a
51160 minute, and hands it to you, saying, "It's for you."
51162 What is the difference between a Turing machine and the modern computer?
51163 It's the same as that between Hillary's ascent of Everest and the
51164 establishment of a Hilton on its peak.
51166 What is the robbing of a bank compared to the founding of a bank?
51169 What is the sound of one hand clapping?
51171 What is this line of duty, and suffering? You are not supposed to suffer
51172 if you are an assassin. The other person is supposed to suffer.
51173 -- Chiun, glory of the name of Sinanju, teacher of the youth
51174 from outside Sinanju named Remo.
51176 What is tolerance? -- it is the consequence of humanity. We are all formed
51177 of frailty and error; let us pardon reciprocally each other's folly -- that
51178 is the first law of nature.
51181 What is truth? We must adopt a pragmatic definition: it is what is believed
51182 to be the truth. A lie that is put across therefore becomes the truth and
51183 may, therefore, be justified. The difficulty is to keep up lying... it is
51184 simpler to tell the truth and if a sufficient emergency arises, to tell one,
51185 big thumping lie that will then be believed.
51186 -- Ministry of Information, memo on the maintenance of
51187 British civilian morale, 1939
51189 What is worth doing is worth the trouble of asking somebody to do it.
51191 What kind of sordid business are you on now? I mean, man, whither
51192 goest thou? Whither goest thou, America, in thy shiny car in the night?
51195 What luck for the rulers that men do not think.
51198 What makes the Universe so hard to comprehend
51199 is that there's nothing to compare it with.
51201 What makes us so bitter against people who outwit us
51202 is that they think themselves cleverer than we are.
51204 What makes you think graduate school
51205 is supposed to be satisfying?
51206 -- Erica Jong, "Fear of Flying"
51208 What most people want is all of the power but none of the responsibility.
51210 What no spouse of a writer can ever understand
51211 is that a writer is working when he's staring out the window.
51213 What nonsense people talk about happy marriages!
51214 A man can be happy with any woman so long as he doesn't love her.
51217 What on earth would a man do with himself
51218 if something did not stand in his way?
51221 What one believes to be true either is true or becomes true.
51224 What one fool can do, another can.
51225 -- Ancient Simian Proverb
51227 What orators lack in depth they make up in length.
51229 What pains others pleasures me,
51230 At home am I in Lisp or C;
51231 There i couch in ecstasy,
51232 'Til debugger's poke i flee,
51233 Into kernel memory.
51234 In system space, system space, there shall i fare--
51235 Inside of a VAX on a silicon square.
51237 What passes for optimism is most often the effect of an intellectual error.
51238 -- Raymond Aron, "The Opium of the Intellectuals"
51240 What passes for woman's intuition is often nothing
51241 more than man's transparency.
51244 What passes for woman's intuition
51245 is often nothing more than man's transparency.
51247 What publishers are looking for these days isn't radical feminism.
51248 It's corporate feminism -- a brand of feminism designed to sell books
51249 and magazines, three-piece suits, airline tickets, Scotch, cigarettes
51250 and, most important, corporate America's message, which runs: Yes,
51251 women were discriminated against in the past, but that unfortunate
51252 mistake has been remedied; now every woman can attain wealth, prestige
51253 and power by dint of individual rather than collective effort.
51256 What really shapes and conditions and makes us is somebody only a few
51257 of us ever have the courage to face: and that is the child you once
51258 were, long before formal education ever got its claws into you -- that
51259 impatient, all-demanding child who wants love and power and can't get
51260 enough of either and who goes on raging and weeping in your spirit
51261 till at last your eyes are closed and all the fools say, "Doesn't he
51262 look peaceful?" It is those pent-up, craving children who make all
51263 the wars and all the horrors and all the art and all the beauty and
51264 discovery in life, because they are trying to achieve what lay beyond
51265 their grasp before they were five years old.
51266 -- Robertson Davies, "The Rebel Angels"
51268 What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?
51271 What scoundrel stole the cork from my lunch?
51274 What segment's this, that, laid to rest
51275 On FHA0, is sleeping?
51276 What system file, lay here a while This, this is "acct.run,"
51277 While hackers around it were weeping? Accounting file for everyone.
51278 Dump, dump it and type it out,
51279 The file, the highseg of login.
51280 Why lies it here, on public disk
51281 And why is it now unprotected?
51282 A bug in incant, made it thus. Mount, mount all your DECtapes now
51283 And copy the file somehow, somehow. The problem has not been corrected.
51284 Dump, dump it and type it out,
51285 The file, the highseg of login.
51288 What sin has not been committed in the name of efficiency?
51290 What soon grows old? Gratitude.
51293 What, still alive at twenty-two,
51294 A clean upstanding chap like you?
51295 Sure, if your throat 'tis hard to slit,
51296 Slit your girl's, and swing for it.
51297 Like enough, you won't be glad,
51298 When they come to hang you, lad:
51299 But bacon's not the only thing
51300 That's cured by hanging from a string.
51301 So, when the spilt ink of the night
51302 Spreads o'er the blotting pad of light,
51303 Lads whose job is still to do
51304 Shall whet their knives, and think of you.
51307 What the deuce is it to me? You say that we go around the sun. If we went
51308 around the moon it would not make a pennyworth of difference to me or my work.
51309 -- Sherlock Holmes, "A Study in Scarlet"
51311 What the hell is it good for?
51312 -- Robert Lloyd (engineer of the Advanced Computing Systems
51313 Division of IBM), to colleagues who insisted that the
51314 microprocessor was the wave of the future, c. 1968
51316 What the large print giveth, the small print taketh away.
51318 What the scientists have in their briefcases is terrifying.
51319 -- Nikita Khruschev
51324 "I recommend this candidate with no qualifications whatsoever."
51325 (Yes, that about sums it up.)
51326 "The amount of mathematics she knows will surprise you."
51327 (And I recommend not giving that school a dime...)
51328 "I simply can't say enough good things about him."
51330 "I am pleased to say that this candidate is a former colleague of mine."
51331 (I can't tell you how happy I am that she left our firm.)
51332 "When this person left our employ, we were quite hopeful he would go
51333 a long way with his skills."
51334 (We hoped he'd go as far as possible.)
51335 "You won't find many people like her."
51336 (In fact, most people can't stand being around her.)
51337 "I cannot reccommend him too highly."
51338 (However, to the best of my knowledge, he has never committed a
51339 felony in my presence.)
51344 "If you knew this person as well as I know him, you would think as much
51346 (Or as little, to phrase it slightly more accurately.)
51347 "Her input was always critical."
51348 (She never had a good word to say.)
51349 "I have no doubt about his capability to do good work."
51350 (And it's nonexistent.)
51351 "This candidate would lend balance to a department like yours, which
51352 already has so many outstanding members."
51353 (Unless you already have a moron.)
51354 "His presentation to my seminar last semester was truly remarkable:
51355 one unbelievable result after another."
51356 (And we didn't believe them, either.)
51357 "She is quite uniform in her approach to any function you may assign her."
51358 (In fact, to life in general...)
51363 "You will be fortunate if you can get him to work for you."
51364 (We certainly never succeeded.)
51365 There is no other employee with whom I can adequately compare him.
51366 (Well, our rats aren't really employees...)
51367 "Success will never spoil him."
51368 (Well, at least not MUCH more.)
51369 "One usually comes away from him with a good feeling."
51370 (And such a sigh of relief.)
51371 "His dissertation is the sort of work you don't expect to see these days;
51372 in it he has definitely demonstrated his complete capabilities."
51373 (And his IQ, as well.)
51374 "He should go far."
51375 (The farther the better.)
51376 "He will take full advantage of his staff."
51377 (He even has one of them mowing his lawn after work.)
51379 What they say: What they mean:
51381 A major technological breakthrough... Back to the drawing board.
51382 Developed after years of research Discovered by pure accident.
51383 Project behind original schedule due We're working on something else.
51384 to unforseen difficulties
51385 Designs are within allowable limits We made it, stretching a point or two.
51386 Customer satisfaction is believed So far behind schedule that they'll be
51387 assured grateful for anything at all.
51388 Close project coordination We're gonna spread the blame, campers!
51389 Test results were extremely gratifying It works, and boy, were we surprised!
51390 The design will be finalized... We haven't started yet, but we've got
51392 The entire concept has been rejected The guy who designed it quit.
51393 We're moving forward with a fresh We hired three new guys, and they're
51394 approach kicking it around.
51395 A number of different approaches... We don't know where we're going, but
51397 Preliminary operational tests are Blew up when we turned it on.
51399 Modifications are underway We're starting over.
51401 What they say: What they mean:
51403 New Different colors from previous version.
51404 All New Not compatible with previous version.
51405 Exclusive Nobody else has documentation.
51406 Unmatched Almost as good as the competition.
51407 Design Simplicity The company wouldn't give us any money.
51408 Fool-proof Operation All parameters are hard-coded.
51409 Advanced Design Nobody really understands it.
51410 Here At Last Didn't get it done on time.
51411 Field Tested We don't have any simulators.
51412 Years of Development Finally got one to work.
51413 Unprecedented Performance Nothing ever ran this slow before.
51414 Revolutionary Disk drives go 'round and 'round.
51415 Futuristic Only runs on a next generation supercomputer.
51416 No Maintenance Impossible to fix.
51417 Performance Proven Worked through Beta test.
51418 Meets Tough Quality Standards It compiles without errors.
51419 Satisfaction Guaranteed We'll send you another pack if it fails.
51420 Stock Item We shipped it before and can do it again.
51422 What this country needs is a dime that will buy a good five-cent bagel.
51424 What this country needs is a good 5 dollar plasma weapon.
51426 What this country needs is a good five cent ANYTHING!
51428 What this country needs is a good five cent microcomputer.
51430 What this country needs is a good five-cent nickel.
51433 I don't know, it keeps changing.
51435 What upsets me is not that you lied to me,
51436 but that from now on I can no longer believe you.
51439 What we Are is God's give to us.
51440 What we Become is our gift to God.
51442 What we cannot speak about we must pass over in silence.
51445 What we do not understand we do not possess.
51448 What we need is either less corruption,
51449 or more chance to participate in it.
51451 What we see depends on mainly what we look for.
51454 What we wish, that we readily believe.
51457 What will happen when the 32-bit Unix date goes negative in mid-January
51458 2038 does not bear thinking about.
51461 What will you do if all your problems aren't solved by the time you die?
51463 What you don't know won't help you much either.
51466 What you see is from outside yourself, and may come, or not, but is beyond
51467 your control. But your fear is yours, and yours alone, like your voice, or
51468 your fingers, or your memory, and therefore yours to control. If you feel
51469 powerless over your fear, you have not yet admitted that it is yours, to do
51471 -- Marion Zimmer Bradley, "Stormqueen"
51473 What you want, what you're hanging around in the world waiting for, is for
51474 something to occur to you.
51477 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
51478 referring to AST's.]
51480 Whatever became of eternal truth?
51482 Whatever became of Strange de Jim? Well, he found a substitute for
51483 cocaine: "You cover Q-tips with sandpaper and ram them up your
51484 nostrils as far as they will go. Then you sniff talcum powder while
51485 shredding hundred dollar bills."
51488 Whatever doesn't succeed in two months and a half in California will
51490 -- Rev. Henry Durant, founder of the University of California
51492 Whatever else can be said about sex, it cannot be called a dignified
51496 Whatever happened to the good old days
51497 when sex was dirty and the air was clean?
51499 Whatever is not nailed down is mine.
51500 Whatever I can pry up is not nailed down.
51501 -- Collis P. Huntingdon, railroad tycoon
51503 Whatever it is, I fear Greeks even when they bring gifts.
51504 -- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil)
51506 Whatever occurs from love is always beyond good and evil.
51507 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
51509 Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half
51510 as good. Luckily this is not difficult.
51511 -- Charlotte Whitton
51513 Whatever you do will be insignificant, but it is very important that
51517 Whatever you do will be insignificant,
51518 but it is very important that you do it.
51521 Whatever you may be sure of, be sure of this: that you are dreadfully like
51523 -- James Russell Lowell, "My Study Windows"
51525 Whatever you want to do, you have to do something else first.
51527 What's a cult? It just means not enough people to make a minority.
51530 What's all this bru-ha-ha?
51532 What's another word for "thesaurus"?
51535 What's done to children, they will do to society.
51537 What's page one, a preemptive strike?
51538 -- Professor Freund, Communication, Ramapo State College
51542 What's the matter with the world? Why, there ain't but one thing wrong
51543 with every one of us - and that's "selfishness."
51544 -- The Best of Will Rogers
51546 What's the ugliest part of your body?
51547 What's the ugliest part of your body?
51548 Some say your nose,
51549 Some say your toes,
51550 But I think it's your mind.
51551 -- Frank Zappa, 1965
51553 What's this stuff about people being "released on their
51554 own recognizance"? Aren't we all out on own recognizance?
51556 When a Banker jumps out of a window,
51557 jump after him -- that's where the money is.
51560 When a camel flies, no one laughs if it doesn't get very far!
51562 When a cow laughs, does milk come out of its nose?
51564 When a fellow says, "It ain't the money but
51565 the principle of the thing," it's the money.
51568 When a girl can read the handwriting on
51569 the wall, she may be in the wrong rest room.
51571 When a girl marries she exchanges the attentions of many men for the
51572 inattentions of one.
51575 When a girl marries, she exchanges the attentions
51576 of many men for the inattentions of one.
51579 When a lion meets another with a louder roar,
51580 the first lion thinks the last a bore.
51583 When a lot of remedies are suggested for
51584 a disease, that means it can't be cured.
51585 -- Chekhov, "The Cherry Orchard"
51587 When a man assumes a public trust, he
51588 should consider himself as public property.
51589 -- Thomas Jefferson
51591 When a man is tired of London, he is tired of life.
51594 When a man knows he is to be hanged in a fortnight,
51595 it concentrates his mind wonderfully.
51598 When a man sits with a pretty girl for an hour, it seems like a minute.
51599 But let him sit on a hot stove for a minute-- and it's longer than any
51600 hour. That's relativity.
51603 When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him
51607 When a man you like switches from what he said a year ago, or four years
51608 ago, he is a broad-minded man who has courage enough to change his mind
51609 with changing conditions. When a man you don't like does it, he is a
51610 liar who has broken his promises.
51613 When a person goes on a diet, the first thing he loses is his temper.
51615 When a place gets crowded enough to require ID's, social collapse is not
51616 far away. It is time to go elsewhere. The best thing about space travel
51617 is that it made it possible to go elsewhere.
51618 -- R.A. Heinlein, "Time Enough For Love"
51620 When a shepherd goes to kill a wolf, and takes his dog along to see
51621 the sport, he should take care to avoid mistakes. The dog has certain
51622 relationships to the wolf the shepherd may have forgotten.
51623 -- Robert Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance"
51625 When a woman gives me a present I have always two surprises:
51626 first is the present, and afterward, having to pay for it.
51629 When a woman marries again it is because she detested her first husband.
51630 When a man marries again, it is because he adored his first wife.
51633 When alerted to an intrusion by tinkling glass or otherwise, 1) Calm
51634 yourself 2) Identify the intruder 3) If hostile, kill him.
51636 Step number 3 is of particular importance. If you leave the guy alive
51637 out of misguided softheartedness, he will repay your generosity of spirit
51638 by suing you for causing his subsequent paraplegia and seek to force you
51639 to support him for the rest of his rotten life. In court he will plead
51640 that he was depressed because society had failed him, and that he was
51641 looking for Mother Teresa for comfort and to offer his services to the
51642 poor. In that lawsuit, you will lose. If, on the other hand, you kill
51643 him, the most that you can expect is that a relative will bring a wrongful
51644 death action. You will have two advantages: first, there be only your
51645 story; forget Mother Teresa. Second, even if you lose, how much could
51646 the bum's life be worth anyway? A Lot less than 50 years worth of
51647 paralysis. Don't play George Bush and Saddam Hussein. Finish the job.
51648 -- G. Gordon Liddy's Forbes column on personal security
51650 When Alexander Graham Bell died in 1922, the telephone people
51651 interrupted service for one minute in his honor. They've been
51652 honoring him intermittently ever since, I believe.
51655 When all else fails, EAT!!!
51657 When all else fails, pour a pint of Guinness in the gas tank, advance
51658 the spark 20 degrees, cry "God Save the Queen!", and pull the starter
51660 -- MG "Series MGA" Workshop Manual
51662 When all else fails, read the instructions.
51664 When all else fails, try Kate Smith.
51666 When all other means of communication fail, try words.
51668 When among apes, one must play the ape.
51670 When angry, count four; when very angry, swear.
51673 When arguments fail, use a blackjack.
51674 -- Ed "Spike" O'Donnell
51676 When arguments fail, use a blackjack.
51677 -- Edward "Spike" O'Donnell, Al Capone associate.
51679 When asked the definition of "pi":
51681 Pi is the number expressing the relationship between the
51682 circumference of a circle and its diameter.
51684 Pi is 3.1415927, plus or minus 0.000000005.
51688 When Boy Scouts do it, it's intense.
51690 When childhood dies, its corpses are called adults.
51693 When choosing between two evils, I always
51694 like to take the one I've never tried before.
51695 -- Mae West, "Klondike Annie"
51697 When confronted by a difficult problem, you can often solve it quite
51698 easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger
51701 When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by
51702 reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"
51704 When Cthulhu calls, He calls collect!
51706 When democracy granted democratic methods to us in times of opposition, this
51707 was bound to happen in a democratic system. However, we National Socialists
51708 never asserted that we represented a democratic point of view, but we have
51709 declared openly that we used the democratic methods only to gain power and
51710 that, after assuming the power, we would deny to our adversaries without any
51711 consideration the means which were granted to us in times of our opposition.
51714 When Dexter's on the Internet, can Hell be far behind?"
51716 When does later become never?
51718 When does summertime come to Minnesota, you ask?
51719 Well, last year, I think it was a Tuesday.
51721 When eating an elephant take one bite at a time.
51724 When forecasting, give them a number
51725 or give them a date, but never both.
51727 When God endowed human beings with brains,
51728 He did not intend to guarantee them.
51730 When God saw how faulty was man He tried again and made woman. As to
51731 why he then stopped there are two opinions. One of them is woman's.
51734 When he got in trouble in the ring, [Ali] imagined a door swung open and
51735 inside he could see neon, orange, and green lights blinking, and bats
51736 blowing trumpets and alligators blowing trombones, and he could hear snakes
51737 screaming. Weird masks and actors' clothes hung on the wall, and if he
51738 stepped across the sill and reached for them, he knew that he was committing
51739 himself to destruction.
51742 When I came back to Dublin I was courtmartialed in my absence and sentenced
51743 to death in my absence, so I said they could shoot me in my absence.
51746 When I demanded of my friend what viands he preferred,
51747 He quoth: "A large cold bottle, and a small hot bird!"
51748 -- Eugene Field, "The Bottle and the Bird"
51750 when i die, i'd like to go peacefully.
51752 like my grandfather.
51755 like the passengers in his car...
51757 When I drink, *everybody* drinks!" a man shouted to the assembled bar patrons. A
51758 loud general cheer went up. After downing his whiskey, he hopped onto a
51759 barstool and shouted "When I take another drink, *everybody* takes another
51760 drink!" The announcement produced another cheer and another round of drinks.
51761 As soon as he had downed his second drink, the fellow hopped back
51762 onto the stool. "And when I pay," he bellowed, slapping five dollars onto
51763 the bar, "*everybody* pays!"
51765 When I first arrived in this country I had only fifteen cents in my pocket
51766 and a willingness to compromise.
51767 -- Weber cartoon caption
51769 When I get real bored, I like to drive down town and get a great
51770 parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me
51774 When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot,
51775 then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.
51778 When I grow up, I want to be an honest
51779 lawyer so things like that can't happen.
51780 -- Richard Nixon, as a boy, on the Teapot Dome scandal
51782 When I have one foot in the grave I will tell the truth about women. I
51783 shall tell it, jump into my coffin, pull the lid over me, and say, "Do
51784 what you like now."
51787 When I hear a man applauded by the mob I always feel a pang of pity
51788 for him. All he has to do to be hissed is to live long enough.
51789 -- H.L. Mencken, "Minority Report"
51791 When I kill, the only thing I feel is recoil.
51793 When I said "we", officer, I was referring to
51794 myself, the four young ladies, and, of course, the goat.
51796 When I saw a sign on the freeway that said, "Los Angeles 445 miles," I said
51797 to myself, "I've got to get out of this lane."
51800 When I say the magic word to all these people, they will vanish forever.
51801 I will then say the magic words to you, and you, too, will vanish -- never
51803 -- Kurt Vonnegut Jr., "Between Time and Timbuktu"
51805 When I sell liquor, it's called bootlegging; when my patrons serve
51806 it on silver trays on Lake Shore Drive, it's called hospitality.
51809 When I think about myself,
51810 I almost laugh myself to death,
51811 My life has been one great big joke, Sixty years in these folks' world
51812 A dance that's walked The child I works for calls me girl
51813 A song that's spoke, I say "Yes ma'am" for working's sake.
51814 I laugh so hard I almost choke Too proud to bend
51815 When I think about myself. Too poor to break,
51816 I laugh until my stomach ache,
51817 When I think about myself.
51818 My folks can make me split my side,
51819 I laughed so hard I nearly died,
51820 The tales they tell, sound just like lying,
51821 They grow the fruit,
51823 I laugh until I start to crying,
51824 When I think about my folks.
51827 When I was 16, I thought there was no hope for my father.
51828 By the time I was 20, he had made great improvement.
51830 When I was a boy I was told that anyone could become President.
51831 Now I'm beginning to believe it.
51834 When I was a child... We had a quick-sand box in the backyard...
51835 I was an only child... eventually.
51838 When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd
51839 all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us.
51840 It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.
51843 When I was a kid, we had a quick-sand box in the backyard.
51844 I was an only child... eventually.
51847 When I was a young man, I vowed never to marry until I found the ideal
51848 woman. Well, I found her -- but alas, she was waiting for the ideal man.
51851 When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if
51852 I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"
51855 When I was growing up my mother kept telling me we're just friends.
51857 I tell ya I was an ugly kid. I was so ugly that my Dad kept the kid's
51858 picture that came with the wallet he bought.
51859 -- Rodney Dangerfield
51861 When I was in college, there were a lot of four-letter words you couldn't
51862 say in front of girls. Now you can say them. But you can't say "girls".
51864 When I was in school, I cheated on my metaphysics exam:
51865 I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
51868 When I was little, I went into a pet shop and they asked how big I'd get.
51869 -- Rodney Dangerfield
51871 When I was seven years old, I was once reprimanded by my mother for an act
51872 of collective brutality in which I had been involved at school. A group of
51873 seven-year-olds had been teasing and tormenting a six-year-old. "It is
51874 always so," my mother said. "You do things together which not one of you
51875 would think of doing alone." ... Wherever one looks in the world of human
51876 organization, collective responsibility brings a lowering of moral standards.
51877 The military establishment is an extreme case, an organization which seems
51878 to have been expressly designed to make it possible for people to do things
51879 together which nobody in his right mind would do alone.
51880 -- Freeman Dyson, "Weapons and Hope"
51882 When I was young we didn't have MTV; we
51883 had to take drugs and go to concerts.
51886 When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it had happened
51887 or not; but my faculties are decaying now and soon I shall be so I cannot
51888 remember any but the things that never happened. It is sad to go to
51889 pieces like this but we all have to do it.
51892 When I woke up this morning, my girlfriend asked if I had
51893 slept well. I said, "No, I made a few mistakes."
51896 When I works, I works hard.
51897 When I sits, I sits easy.
51898 And when I thinks, I goes to sleep.
51900 When I'm gone, boxing will be nothing again. The fans with the cigars and
51901 the hats turned down'll be there, but no more housewives and little men in
51902 the street and foreign presidents. It's goin' to be back to the fighter who
51903 comes to town, smells a flower, visits a hospital, blows a horn and says
51904 he's in shape. Old hat. I was the onliest boxer in history people asked
51905 questions like a senator.
51908 When I'm good, I'm great; but when I'm bad, I'm better.
51911 When in charge ponder,
51912 When in doubt mumble,
51913 When in trouble delegate.
51915 When in doubt, do it. It's much easier
51916 to apologize than to get permission.
51917 -- Grace Murray Hopper
51919 When in doubt, do what the President does -- guess.
51921 When in doubt, follow your heart.
51923 When in doubt, have a man come through the door with a gun in his hand.
51924 -- Raymond Chandler
51926 When in doubt, lead trump.
51928 When in doubt, mumble; when in trouble, delegate; when in charge, ponder.
51931 When in doubt, tell the truth.
51934 When in doubt, use brute force.
51937 When in Rome, live in the Roman way.
51940 When in this world the headlines read
51941 Of those whose hearts are filled with greed
51942 Who rob and steal from those who need
51943 The cry goes up with blinding speed for Underdog (UNDERDOG!)
51944 Underdog (UNDERDOG!)
51945 Speed of lightning, roar of thunder
51946 Fighting all who rob or plunder
51947 Underdog (ah-ah-ah-ah)
51951 When in trouble or in doubt, run in circles, scream and shout.
51953 When it comes to broken marriages most husbands will split the blame --
51954 half his wife's fault, and half her mother's.
51956 When it comes to helping you, some people stop at nothing.
51958 When it is not necessary to make a decision,
51959 it is necessary not to make a decision.
51961 When it's dark enough you can see the stars.
51962 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson,
51964 When license fees are too high,
51965 users do things by hand.
51966 When the management is too intrusive,
51967 users lose their spirit.
51969 Hack for the user's benefit.
51970 Trust them; leave them alone.
51972 When love is gone, there's always justice.
51973 And when justice is gone, there's always force.
51974 And when force is gone, there's always Mom.
51978 When man calls an animal "vicious", he usually means that it
51979 will attempt to defend itself when he tries to kill it.
51981 When managers hold endless meetings, the programmers write games. When
51982 accountants talk of quarterly profits, the development budget is about to
51983 be cut. When senior scientists talk blue sky, the clouds are about to roll
51986 Truly, this is not the Tao of Programming.
51988 When managers make commitments, game programs are ignored. When accountants
51989 make long-range plans, harmony and order are about to be restored. When
51990 senior scientists address the problems at hand, the problems will soon be
51993 Truly, this is the Tao of Programming.
51995 When Marriage is Outlawed,
51996 Only Outlaws will have Inlaws.
51998 When more and more people are thrown out of work, unemployment results.
52001 When my brain begins to reel from my
52002 literary labors, I make an occasional cheese dip.
52005 When my fist clenches crack it open,
52006 Before I use it and lose my cool.
52007 When I smile tell me some bad news,
52008 Before I laugh and act like a fool.
52010 And if I swallow anything evil,
52011 Put you finger down my throat.
52012 And if I shiver please give me a blanket,
52013 Keep me warm let me wear your coat
52015 No one knows what it's like to be the bad man,
52018 No one knows what its like to be hated,
52020 To telling only lies.
52023 When my freshman roommate at Cornell found out I was Jewish, she was,
52024 at her request, moved to a different room. She told me she didn't
52025 think she had ever seen a Jew before. My only response was to begin
52026 wearing a small Star of David on a chain around my neck. I had not
52027 become a more observing Jew; rather, discovering that the label of
52028 Jew was offensive to others made me want to let people know who I
52029 was and what I believed in. Similarly, after talking to these young
52030 women -- one of whom told me that she didn't think she had ever met
52031 a feminist -- I've taken to identifying myself as a feminist in the
52032 most unlikely of situations.
52033 -- Susan Bolotin, "Voices From the Post-Feminist Generation"
52035 When neither their poverty nor their honor is
52036 touched, the majority of men live content.
52037 -- Niccolo Machiavelli
52039 When nothing can possibly go wrong, it will.
52041 When one burns one's bridges, what a very nice fire it makes.
52044 When one knows women one pities men,
52045 but when one studies men, one excuses women.
52048 When one wants to get rid of an unsupportable pressure, one needs hashish.
52049 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
52051 When one woman was asked how long she had been going to symphony concerts,
52052 she paused to calculate and replied, "Forty-seven years -- and I find I mind
52054 -- Louise Andrews Kent
52056 When oxygen Tech played Hydrogen U.
52057 The Game had just begun, when Hydrogen scored two fast points
52058 And Oxygen still had none
52059 Then Oxygen scored a single goal
52060 And thus it did remain, At Hydrogen 2 and Oxygen 1
52061 Called because of rain.
52063 When people have trouble communicating,
52064 the least they can do is to shut up.
52067 When people say nothing, they don't necessarily mean nothing.
52069 When pleasure remains, does it remain a pleasure?
52071 When President Paul Doumer of France was assassinated in Paris in 1932,
52072 newspapers differed in their versions of the event. This is from "Paris
52073 was Yesterday: 1925-1939" by Janet Flanner, edited by Irving Drutman.
52075 Taste varied as to his cry when he was shot down, the more popular
52076 papers preferring his despairing "Oh, la la!," the graver dailies
52077 favoring "Is it possible?" What few reported were his dying words:
52078 "But what kind of chauffeur was it?" Having been told by his aides
52079 not that he had been shot but that he had been struck by a taxi, the
52080 President spent the last conscious moments of his life wondering how
52081 how an automobile got into the charity book sale at the Maison
52082 Rothschild, where his assassination occurred.
52084 When properly administered, vacations do not diminish productivity: for
52085 every week you're away and get nothing done, there's another when your boss
52086 is away and you get twice as much done.
52089 When smashing monuments, save the pedstals -- they always come in handy.
52090 -- Stanislaw J. Lem, "Unkempt Thoughts"
52092 When some people decide it's time for everyone to make
52093 big changes, it means that they want you to change first.
52095 When some people discover the truth, they just
52096 can't understand why everybody isn't eager to hear it.
52098 When someone makes a move We'll send them all we've got,
52099 Of which we don't approve, John Wayne and Randolph Scott,
52100 Who is it that always intervenes? Remember those exciting fighting scenes?
52101 U.N. and O.A.S., To the shores of Tripoli,
52102 They have their place, I guess, But not to Mississippoli,
52103 But first, send the Marines! What do we do? We send the Marines!
52105 For might makes right, Members of the corps
52106 And till they've seen the light, All hate the thought of war:
52107 They've got to be protected, They'd rather kill them off by
52109 All their rights respected, Stop calling it aggression--
52110 Till somebody we like can be elected. We hate that expression!
52111 We only want the world to know
52112 That we support the status quo;
52113 They love us everywhere we go,
52114 So when in doubt, send the Marines!
52115 -- Tom Lehrer, "Send The Marines"
52117 When someone says "I want a programming language in
52118 which I need only say what I wish done," give him a lollipop.
52120 When speculation has done its worst, two plus two still equals four.
52123 When taxes are due, Americans tend to feel quite bled-white and blue.
52125 When the Apple IIc was introduced, the informative copy led off with a couple
52126 of asterisked sentences:
52128 It weighs less than 8 pounds.*
52129 And costs less than $1,300.**
52131 In tiny type were these "fuller explanations":
52133 * Don't asterisks make you suspicious as all get out? Well, all
52134 this means is that the IIc alone weights 7.5 pounds. The power
52135 pack, monitor, an extra disk drive, a printer and several bricks
52136 will make the IIc weigh more. Our lawyers were concerned that you
52137 might not be able to figure this out for yourself.
52139 ** The FTC is concerned about price fixing. You can pay more if
52140 you really want to. Or less.
52143 When the ax entered the forest, the trees said, "The handle is one of us!"
52146 When the blind lead the blind they will both fall over the cliff.
52149 When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking
52152 When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never
52153 talking about themselves.
52155 When the candles are out all women are fair.
52158 When the cup is full, carry it level.
52160 When the doubt vanishes and the issue becomes evident, stupidity reigns.
52161 -- Poul Henningsen [1894-1967]
52163 When the English language gets in my way, I walk over it.
52166 When the fog came in on little cat feet last night, it left these little
52167 muddy paw prints on the hood of my car.
52169 When the going gets tough, everyone leaves.
52172 When the going gets tough, the tough go grab a beer.
52174 When the going gets tough, the tough go shopping.
52176 When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro.
52177 -- Hunter S. Thompson
52179 When the government bureau's remedies do not match
52180 your problem, you modify the problem, not the remedy.
52182 When the government bureau's remedies don't match your problem, you modify
52183 the problem, not the remedy.
52185 When the Guru administers, the users
52186 are hardly aware that he exists.
52187 Next best is a sysop who is loved.
52188 Next, one who is feared.
52189 And worst, one who is despised.
52191 If you don't trust the users,
52192 you make them untrustworthy.
52194 The Guru doesn't talk, he hacks.
52195 When his work is done,
52196 the users say, "Amazing:
52197 we implemented it, all by ourselves!"
52199 When the leaders speak of peace
52200 The common folk know
52202 When the leaders curse war
52203 The mobilization order is already written out.
52205 Every day, to earn my daily bread
52206 I go to the market where lies are bought
52208 I take my place among the sellers.
52209 -- Bertolt Brecht, "Hollywood"
52211 When the lights are out, all women are fair.
52214 When the Ngdanga tribe of West Africa hold their moon love ceremonies,
52215 the men of the tribe bang their heads on sacred trees until they get a
52216 nose bleed, which usually cures them of that.
52217 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
52219 When the only tool you have is a hammer, every problem starts to look
52222 When the President does it, that means it is not illegal.
52225 When the revolution comes, count your change.
52227 When the saleman's car broke down, he walked to the nearest farmhouse to ask
52228 if he could stay the night. The farmer agreed to put him up. "I live alone,"
52229 he continued, "you can have the bedroom at the top of the stairs, to the
52231 "Oh, never mind," the disappointed salesman said. "I think I'm in
52234 When the sun shineth, make hay.
52237 When the Universe was not so out of whack as it is today, and all the
52238 stars were lined up in their proper places, you could easily count them
52239 from left to right, or top to bottom, and the larger and bluer ones were
52240 set apart, and the smaller yellowing types pushed off to the corners as
52241 bodies of a lower grade...
52244 When the usher noticed a man stretched across three seats in a movie theatre,
52245 he walked over and whispered, "I'm sorry, sir, but you're allowed only a single
52246 seat." The man moaned, but did not budge. "Sir," the user said more loudly,
52247 "if you don't move, I'll have to call a manager." The man moaned again but
52248 stayed where he was. The usher left, and returned with the manager, who, after
52249 several more attempts at dislodging the fellow, called the police.
52250 The cop took a look at the reclining man and said, "All right, boyo,
52252 "Samuel," he mumbled.
52253 "And where're you from, Sam?"
52256 When the wind is great, bow before it;
52257 when the wind is heavy, yield to it.
52259 When there are two conflicting versions of the story, the wise course
52260 is to believe the one in which people appear at their worst.
52261 -- H. Allen Smith, "Let the Crabgrass Grow"
52263 When there is an old maid in the house, a watch dog is unnecessary.
52266 When things go well, expect something to
52267 explode, erode, collapse or just disappear.
52269 When users see one GUI as beautiful,
52270 other user interfaces become ugly.
52271 When users see some programs as winners,
52272 other programs become lossage.
52274 Pointers and NULLs reference each other.
52275 High level and assembler depend on each other.
52276 Double and float cast to each other.
52277 High-endian and low-endian define each other.
52278 While and until follow each other.
52281 programs without doing anything
52282 and teaches without saying anything.
52283 Warnings arise and he lets them come;
52284 processes are swapped and he lets them go.
52285 He has but doesn't possess,
52286 acts but doesn't expect.
52287 When his work is done, he deletes it.
52288 That is why it lasts forever.
52290 When we are planning for posterity,
52291 we ought to remember that virtue is not hereditary.
52294 When we jumped into Sicily, the units became separated, and I couldn't find
52295 anyone. Eventually I stumbled across two colonels, a major, three captains,
52296 two lieutenants, and one rifleman, and we secured the bridge. Never in the
52297 history of war have so few been led by so many.
52298 -- General James Gavin
52300 When we talk of tomorrow, the gods laugh.
52302 When we understand knowledge-based systems, it will be
52303 as before -- except our finger-tips will have been singed.
52305 When we write programs that "learn",
52306 it turns out we do and they don't.
52308 When women kiss it always reminds one of prize fighters shaking hands.
52309 -- H.L. Mencken, "Sententiae"
52311 When women love us, they forgive us everything, even our crimes;
52312 when they do not love us, they give us credit for nothing, not
52316 When you are about to die, a wombat is better than no company at all.
52317 -- Roger Zelazny, "Doorways in the Sand"
52319 When you are about to do an objective and scientific piece of investigation
52320 of a topic, it is well to have the answer firmly in hand, so that you can
52321 proceed forthrightly, without being deflected or swayed, directly to the
52325 When you are at Rome live in the Roman style;
52326 when you are elsewhere live as they live elsewhere.
52329 When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut.
52331 When you are working hard, get up and retch every so often.
52333 When you are young, you enjoy a sustained illusion that sooner or later
52334 something marvelous is going to happen, that you are going to transcend
52335 your parents' limitations... At the same time, you feel sure that in all
52336 the wilderness of possibility; in all the forests of opinion, there is a
52337 vital something that can be known -- known and grasped. That we will
52338 eventually know it, and convert the whole mystery into a coherent
52339 narrative. So that then one's true life -- the point of everything --
52340 will emerge from the mist into a pure light, into total comprehension.
52341 But it isn't like that at all. But if it isn't, where did the idea come
52342 from, to torture and unsettle us?
52343 -- Brian Aldiss, "Helliconia Summer"
52345 When you become used to never being alone,
52346 you may consider yourself Americanized.
52348 When you dial a wrong number you never get a busy signal.
52350 When you die, you lose a very important part of your life.
52353 When you dig another out of trouble,
52354 you've got a place to bury your own.
52356 When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly.
52358 When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
52360 When you find yourself in danger, when you're threatened by a stranger,
52361 When it looks like you will take a lickin'...
52362 There is one thing you should learn,
52363 When there is no one else to turn to,
52364 Caaaall for Super Chicken (**bwuck-bwuck-bwuck-bwuck**)
52365 Caaaall for Super Chicken!!
52367 When you find yourself in danger,
52368 When you're threatened by a stranger,
52369 When it looks like you will take a lickin'...
52371 There is one thing you should learn,
52372 When there is no one else to turn to,
52373 Caaaall for Super Chicken!! (**bwuck-bwuck-bwuck-bwuck**)
52374 Caaaall for Super Chicken!!
52376 When you find yourself in danger,
52377 When you're threatened by a stranger,
52378 When it looks like you will take a lickin'...
52379 There is one thing you should learn,
52380 When there is no one else to turn to,
52381 Caaaaaall for Super Chicken.
52383 When you get what you want in your struggle for self
52384 And the world makes you king for a day,
52385 Just go to a mirror and look at yourself
52386 And see what that man has to say.
52387 For it isn't your father or mother or wife
52388 Whose judgement upon you must pass;
52389 The fellow whose verdict counts most in your life
52390 Is the one staring back from the glass.
52391 Some people may think you a straight-shootin' chum
52392 And call you a wonderful guy,
52393 But the man in the glass says you're only a bum
52394 If you can't look him straight in the eye.
52395 He's the fellow to please, never mind all the rest,
52396 For he's with you clear up to the end,
52397 And you've passed your most dangerous, difficult test
52398 If the man in the glass is your friend.
52399 You may fool the whole world down the pathway of life
52400 And get pats on the back as you pass,
52401 But your final reward will be heartaches and tears
52402 If you've cheated the man in the glass.
52404 When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve
52405 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
52408 When you go out to buy, don't show your silver.
52410 When you have eliminated the impossible, whatever
52411 remains, however improbable, must be the truth.
52412 -- Sherlock Holmes, "The Sign of Four"
52414 When you have shot and killed a man you have in some measure
52415 clarified your attitude toward him. You have given a definite
52416 answer to a definite problem. For better or worse you have
52417 acted decisively. In a way, the next move is up to him.
52420 When you have to kill a man it costs nothing to be polite.
52421 -- W. Churchill, on formal declarations of war
52423 When you jump for joy, beware that no-one
52424 moves the ground from beneath your feet.
52425 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Unkempt Thoughts"
52427 When you live in a sick society,
52428 just about everything you do is wrong.
52430 When you make your mark in the world,
52431 watch out for guys with erasers.
52432 -- The Wall Street Journal
52434 When you meet a master swordsman,
52435 show him your sword.
52436 When you meet a man who is not a poet,
52437 do not show him your poem.
52438 -- Rinzai, ninth century Zen master
52440 When you overesteem great hackers,
52441 more users become cretins.
52442 When you develop encryption,
52443 more users become crackers.
52446 by emptying user's minds
52447 and increasing their quotas,
52448 by weakening their ambition
52449 and toughening their resolve.
52450 When users lack knowledge and desire,
52451 management will not try to interfere.
52453 Practice not-looping,
52454 and everything will fall into place.
52456 When you say that you agree to a thing in principle, you mean that
52457 you have not the slightest intention of carrying it out in practice.
52458 -- Otto von Bismarck
52460 When you speak to others for their own good it's advice;
52461 when they speak to you for your own good it's interference.
52463 When you try to make an impression, the
52464 chances are that is the impression you will make.
52466 When you were born, a big chance was taken for you.
52468 When your conscious becomes unconscious, you are drunk.
52469 When your unconscious becomes conscious, you are stoned.
52471 When your life is a leaf that the seasons tear off and condemn
52472 They will bind you with love that is graceful and green as a stem.
52473 -- Leonard Cohen, "Sisters of Mercy"
52475 When your memory goes, forget it!
52477 When your work speaks for itself, don't interrupt.
52481 You're a Yup all the way
52482 From your first slice of Brie
52483 To your last Cabernet.
52486 You're not just a dreamer
52487 You're making things happen
52488 You're driving a Beamer.
52490 When you're away, I'm restless, lonely
52491 Wretched, bored, dejected, only
52492 Here's the rub, my darling dear,
52493 I feel the same when you are hear.
52494 -- Samuel Hoffenstein, "Poems in Praise of Practically Nothing"
52496 When you're bored with yourself, marry, and be bored with someone else.
52497 -- David Pryce-Jones
52499 When you're dining out and you suspect
52500 something's wrong, you're probably right.
52502 When you're down and out, lift up your
52503 voice and shout, "I'M DOWN AND OUT"!
52505 When you're in command, command.
52508 When you're married to someone, they take you for granted ... when
52509 you're living with someone it's fantastic ... they're so frightened
52510 of losing you they've got to keep you satisfied all the time.
52511 -- Nell Dunn, "Poor Cow"
52513 When you're not looking at it, this fortune is written in FORTRAN.
52515 When you're ready to give up the struggle, who can you surrender to?
52517 WHEN YOU'RE RIDING IN A TIME MACHINE way far into the future, don't stick
52518 your elbow out the window or it'll turn into a fossil.
52519 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
52521 When you've seen one nuclear war, you've seen them all.
52523 Whenever a system becomes completely defined,
52524 some damn fool discovers something which either
52525 abolishes the system or expands it beyond recognition.
52527 WHENEVER ANYBODY SAYS he's struggling to become a human being I have to
52528 laugh because the apes beat him to it by about a million years. Struggle
52529 to become a parrot or something.
52530 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
52532 Whenever anyone says, "theoretically," they really mean "not really".
52535 Whenever I date a guy, I think, is this the man I want my children
52536 to spend their weekends with?
52539 Whenever I feel like exercise, I lie down until the feeling passes.
52541 Whenever I hear anyone arguing for slavery, I feel
52542 a strong impulse to see it tried on him personally.
52545 Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct
52546 is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me.
52547 Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.
52550 Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong.
52553 Whenever Richard Cory went downtown,
52554 We people on the pavement looked at him:
52555 He was a gentleman from sole to crown,
52556 Clean-favored, and imperially slim.
52557 And he was always quietly arrayed,
52558 And he was always human when he talked;
52559 But still he fluttered pulses when he said,
52560 "Good morning," and he glittered when he walked.
52561 And he was rich -- yes, richer than a king --
52562 And admirably schooled in every grace:
52563 In fine, we thought that he was everything
52564 To make us wish that we were in his place.
52565 So on we worked, and waited for the light,
52566 And went without the meat, and cursed the bread;
52567 And Richard Cory, one calm summer night,
52568 Went home and put a bullet through his head.
52569 -- E.A. Robinson, "Richard Cory"
52571 Whenever someone tells you to take their advice,
52572 you can be pretty sure that they're not using it.
52574 Whenever the literary German dives into a sentence, that
52575 is the last you are going to see of him until he emerges
52576 on the other side of his Atlantic with his verb in his mouth.
52579 Whenever you find that you are on the
52580 side of the majority, it is time to reform.
52583 Where a calculator on the ENIAC is equpped with 18,000 vaccuum tubes and
52584 weighs 30 tons, computers in the future may have only 1,000 vaccuum tubes
52585 and perhaps weight 1 1/2 tons.
52586 -- Popular Mechanics, March 1949
52588 Where am I? Who am I? Am I? I
52590 Where are the calculations that go with a calculated risk?
52592 WHERE CAN THE MATTER BE
52593 Oh, dear, where can the matter be
52594 When it's converted to energy?
52595 There is a slight loss of parity.
52596 Johnny's so long at the fair.
52598 Where do I find the time for not reading so many books?
52601 Where do you go to get anorexia?
52604 Where humor is concerned there are no standards -- no one can say what
52605 is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.
52606 -- John Kenneth Galbraith
52608 Where is John Carson now that we need him?
52611 Where it is a duty to worship the sun it is pretty sure to be a crime to
52612 examine the laws of heat.
52613 -- Christopher Morley
52615 Where, oh, where, are you tonight?
52616 Why did you leave me here all alone?
52617 I searched the world over, and I thought I'd found true love.
52618 You met another, and *PPHHHLLLBBBBTTT*, you wuz gone.
52620 Gloom, despair and agony on me.
52621 Deep dark depression, excessive misery.
52622 If it weren't for bad luck, I'd have no luck at all.
52623 Oh, gloom, despair and agony on me.
52626 Where, oh where, are you tonight?
52627 Why did you leave me here all alone?
52628 I searched the world over,
52629 And I thought I'd found true love,
52630 You met another and [Bronx cheer] you were gone!
52633 Where the hell is Wall Drug?
52635 Where the system is concerned, you're not allowed to ask "Why?".
52637 Where there are visible vapors, having their prevenance
52638 in ignited carbonaceous materials, there is conflagration.
52640 Where there is much light there is also much shadow.
52643 Where there's a whip there's a way.
52645 Where there's a will, there's a relative.
52647 Where there's a will, there's an Inheritance Tax.
52649 Where will it all end?
52650 Probably somewhere near where it all began.
52652 Where you stand depends on where you sit.
52653 -- Rufus Miles, HEW
52655 Whereof one cannot speak, thereof one must be silent.
52658 Where's the man could ease a heart
52660 -- Dorothy Parker, "The Satin Dress"
52662 ...whether it is better to spend a life not knowing what you want or to
52663 spend a life knowing exactly what you want and that you will never have it.
52666 Whether weary or unweary, O man, do not rest,
52667 Do not cease your single-handed struggle.
52668 Go on, do not rest.
52669 -- An old Gujarati hymn
52671 Whether you can hear it or not,
52672 The Universe is laughing behind your back.
52674 Which would you rather have, a bursting
52675 planet or an earthquake here and there?
52676 -- John Joseph Lynch
52678 While anyone can admit to themselves they were
52679 wrong, the true test is admission to someone else.
52681 While Europe's eye is fix'd on mighty things,
52682 The fate of empires and the fall of kings;
52683 While quacks of State must each produce his plan,
52684 And even children lisp the Rights of Man;
52685 Amid this mighty fuss just let me mention,
52686 The Rights of Woman merit some attention.
52688 Address on "The Rights of Woman", November 26, 1792
52690 While Europe's eye is fix'd on mighty things,
52691 The fate of empires and the fall of kings;
52692 While quacks of State must each produce his plan,
52693 And even children lisp the Rights of Man;
52694 Amid this mighty fuss just let me mention,
52695 The Rights of Woman merit some attention.
52696 -- Robert Burns, Address on "The Rights of Woman", 1792
52698 While having never invented a sin,
52699 I'm trying to perfect several.
52701 While he was in New York on location for _Bronco Billy_ (1980), Clint
52702 Eastwood agreed to a television interview. His host, somewhat hostile,
52703 began by defining a Clint Eastwood picture as a violent, ruthless,
52704 lawless, and bloody piece of mayhem, and then asked Eastwood himself to
52705 define a Clint Eastwood picture. "To me," said Eastwood calmly, "what
52706 a Clint Eastwood picture is, is one that I'm in."
52707 -- Boller and Davis, "Hollywood Anecdotes"
52709 While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping,
52710 As of some one gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door.
52711 -- Edgar Allan Poe, "The Raven"
52713 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
52714 referring to hardware interrupts.]
52716 And now I see with eye serene
52717 The very pulse of the machine.
52718 -- William Wordsworth, "She Was a Phantom of Delight"
52720 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
52721 referring to software interrupts.]
52723 While money can't buy happiness, it certainly
52724 lets you choose your own form of misery.
52726 While money doesn't buy love, it puts you in a great bargaining position.
52728 While most peoples' opinions change,
52729 the conviction of their correctness never does.
52731 While passing a vacant lot late one night, a jogger was stopped by a man who
52732 held a gun to his head.
52733 "Who are you for," the gunman snarled, "Bush or Dukakis?"
52734 The runner thought for a moment, shifting nervously from foot to foot,
52735 as the muzzle pressed harder into his temple.
52736 "Bush or Dukakis?" the mugger insisted.
52737 Finally, the jogger shrugged his shoulders, closed his eyes and bowed
52738 his head. "Go ahead and shoot."
52740 While there's life, there's hope.
52741 -- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence)
52743 While walking down a crowded
52744 City street the other day,
52745 I heard a little urchin
52746 To a comrade turn and say,
52747 "Say, Chimmey, lemme tell youse,
52748 I'd be happy as a clam
52749 If only I was de feller dat
52750 Me mudder t'inks I am.
52752 "She t'inks I am a wonder, My friends, be yours a life of toil
52753 An' she knows her little lad Or undiluted joy,
52754 Could never mix wit' nuttin' You can learn a wholesome lesson
52755 Dat was ugly, mean or bad. From that small, untutored boy.
52756 Oh, lot o' times I sit and t'ink Don't aim to be an earthly saint
52757 How nice, 'twould be, gee whiz! With eyes fixed on a star:
52758 If a feller was de feller Just try to be the fellow that
52759 Dat his mudder t'inks he is." Your mother thinks you are.
52760 -- Will S. Adkin, "If I Only Was the Fellow"
52762 While we are sleeping, two-thirds of the world is plotting to do us in.
52765 While you don't greatly need the outside world, it's
52766 still very reassuring to know that it's still there.
52768 While you recently had your problems on the run,
52769 they've regrouped and are making another attack.
52771 While your friend holds you affectionately by both
52772 your hands you are safe, for you can watch both of his.
52774 Whip it, whip it good!
52777 You never know who is right, but you always know who is in charge.
52779 Whistler's mother is off her rocker.
52781 White dwarf seeks red giant for binary relationship.
52783 White House carpenters have reworked the master bedroom, remodeling it
52784 so that Ronnie can sleep with his head in the hall. That way, by the
52785 time he wakes up, somebody will have already shined his hair.
52788 The obvious answer is always overlooked.
52793 Owen's Commentary on White's Statement:
52794 ...they might want to cut it out...
52796 Byrd's Addition to Owen's Commentary:
52797 ...and they want to avoid a lengthy search.
52801 Who can take the demands of the SDS seriously?
52804 Who cares if it doesn't do anything? It was made with
52805 our new Triple-Iso-Bifurcated-Krypton-Gate-MOS process...
52807 Who dat who say "who dat" when I say "who dat"?
52810 Who does not love wine, women, and song,
52811 Remains a fool his whole life long.
52812 -- Johann Heinrich Voss
52814 Who does not trust enough will not be trusted.
52817 Who goeth a-borrowing goeth a-sorrowing.
52820 Who is D.B. Cooper, and where is he now?
52824 Who is W.O. Baker, and why is he saying those terrible things about me?
52826 Who loves me will also love my dog.
52829 Who loves not wisely but too well
52830 Will look on Helen's face in hell,
52831 But he whose love is thin and wise
52832 Will view John Knox in Paradise.
52835 Who made the world I cannot tell;
52836 'Tis made, and here am I in hell.
52837 My hand, though now my knuckles bleed,
52838 I never soiled with such a deed.
52841 Who needs companionship when you
52842 can sit alone in your room and drink?
52844 Who on earth would eat a charred caterpillar!?
52845 No, no, you SINGE 'em! You SINGE 'em and eat 'em!
52847 Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?
52848 -- Harry Warner, Warner Bros. Pictures, c. 1927
52850 Who to himself is law no law doth need,
52851 offends no law, and is a king indeed.
52854 Who took the MMMMMM out of MURINE?
52856 Who was that masked man?
52858 Who will take care of the world after you're gone?
52860 "WHOA!! Ken and Barbie are having TOO MUCH FUN!!
52861 It must be the NEGATIVE IONS!!"
52862 -- Zippy the Pinhead
52864 Whoever dies with the most toys wins.
52866 Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the process he does not
52867 become a monster. And when you look into an abyss, the abyss also looks
52869 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
52871 Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the process he does not
52872 become a monster. And when you look long into an abyss, the abyss also
52876 Whoever named it "necking" was a poor judge of anatomy.
52879 Whoever tells a lie cannot be pure in heart -- and only the
52880 pure in heart can make a good soup.
52881 -- Ludwig Van Beethoven
52883 Whoever would lie usefully should lie seldom.
52885 Whom computers would destroy, they must first drive insane.
52887 Whom the mad would destroy, first they make Gods.
52892 Who's scruffy-looking?
52895 Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
52896 Why a man would want *two* wives is a bigamystery.
52898 Why am I so soft in the middle when the rest of my life is so hard?
52901 Why are programmers non-productive?
52902 Because their time is wasted in meetings.
52904 Why are programmers rebellious?
52905 Because the management interferes too much.
52907 Why are the programmers resigning one by one?
52908 Because they are burnt out.
52910 Having worked for poor management, they no longer value their jobs.
52911 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
52913 Why are you so hard to ignore?
52915 Why are you watching
52916 The washing machine?
52917 I love entertainment
52918 So long as it's clean.
52920 Professor Doberman:
52921 While the preceding poem is unarguably a change from the guarded
52922 pessimism of "The Hound of Heaven," it cannot be regarded as an unqualified
52923 improvement. Obscurity is of value only when it tends to clarify the poetic
52924 experience. As much as one is compelled to admire the poem's technique, one
52925 must question whether its byplay of complex literary allusions does not in
52926 fact distract from the unity of the whole. In the final analysis, one
52927 receives the distinct impression that the poem's length could safely have
52928 been reduced by a factor of eight or ten without sacrificing any of its
52929 meaning. It is to be hoped that further publication of this poem can be
52930 suspended pending a thorough investigation of its potential subversive
52933 Why attack God? He may be as miserable as we are.
52936 Why be a man when you can be a success?
52939 Why be difficult when, with a bit of effort, you could be impossible?
52941 Why be difficult, when, with just a little effort, you can be impossible?
52943 Why be difficult, when, with just a
52944 little more effort, you can be impossible?
52946 Why bother building anymore nuclear
52947 warheads until we use the ones we have?
52949 Why did the Lord give us so much quickness of
52950 movement unless it was to avoid responsibility with?
52952 Why did the Roman Empire collapse?
52953 What's the Latin for office automation?
52955 Why do mathematicians insist on using words that already have another
52956 meaning? "It is the complex case that is easier to deal with." "If it
52957 doesn't happen at a corner, but at an edge, it nonetheless happens at a
52960 Why do seagulls live near the sea?
52961 'Cause if they lived near the bay, they'd be called baygulls.
52963 Why do so many foods come packaged in plastic?
52964 It's quite uncanny.
52966 Why do they call a fast a fast, when it goes so slow?
52968 Why do they call it baby-SITTING when all you do is run after them?
52970 Why do we want intelligent terminals
52971 when there are so many stupid users?
52973 Why does a hearse horse snicker, hauling a lawyer away?
52976 Why does a ship carry cargo and a truck carry shipments?
52978 Why does man kill? He kills for food.
52979 And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.
52980 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
52982 Why doesn't everybody leave everybody else the hell alone?
52985 Why don't somebody print the truth about our present economic condition?
52986 We spent years of wild buying on credit, everything under the sun, whether
52987 we needed it or not, and now we are having to pay for it, howling like a
52988 pet coon. This would be a great world to dance in if we didn't have to
52990 -- The Best of Will Rogers
52992 Why don't you fix your little problem... and light this candle?
52993 -- Alan Shepherd, the first man into space, Gemini program
52995 Why, every one as they like; as the good woman said when she
52999 Why I Can't Go Out With You:
53001 I'd LOVE to, but...
53002 -- I have to answer all of my "occupant" letters.
53003 -- None of my socks match.
53004 -- I'm having all my plants neutered.
53005 -- I changed the lock on my door and now I can't get out.
53006 -- My yucca plant is feeling yucky.
53007 -- I'm touring China with a wok band.
53008 -- My chocolate-appreciation class meets that night.
53009 -- I'm running off to Yugoslavia with a foreign-exchange student
53010 named Basil Metabolism.
53011 -- There are important world issues that need worrying about.
53012 -- I'm going to count the bristles in my toothbrush.
53013 -- I prefer to remain an enigma.
53014 -- I think you want the OTHER Peggy/Cathy/Mike/whomever.
53015 -- I feel a song coming on.
53017 Why I Can't Go Out With You:
53019 I'd LOVE to, but...
53020 -- I have to draw "Cubby" for an art scholarship.
53021 -- I have to sit up with a sick ant.
53022 -- I'm trying to be less popular.
53023 -- My bathroom tiles need grouting.
53024 -- I'm waiting to see if I'm already a winner.
53025 -- My subconscious says no.
53026 -- I just picked up a book called "Glue in Many Lands" and I
53027 can't seem to put it down.
53028 -- My favorite commercial is on TV.
53029 -- I have to study for my blood test.
53030 -- I've been traded to Cincinnati.
53031 -- I'm having my baby shoes bronzed.
53032 -- I have to go to court for kitty littering.
53034 Why I Can't Go Out With You:
53036 I'd LOVE to, but...
53037 -- I have to floss my cat.
53038 -- I've dedicated my life to linguini.
53039 -- I need to spend more time with my blender.
53040 -- It wouldn't be fair to the other Beautiful People.
53041 -- It's my night to pet the dog/ferret/goldfish/radio.
53042 -- I'm going downtown to try on some gloves.
53043 -- I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products.
53044 -- I'm due at the bakery to watch the buns rise.
53045 -- I have an appointment with a cuticle specialist.
53046 -- I have some really hard words to look up.
53048 Why I Can't Go Out With You:
53050 I'd LOVE to, but...
53051 -- I'm trying to see how long I can go without saying yes.
53052 -- I'm attending the opening of my garage door.
53053 -- The monsters haven't turned blue yet, and I have to eat more dots.
53054 -- I'm converting my calendar watch from Julian to Gregorian.
53055 -- I have to fulfill my potential.
53056 -- I don't want to leave my comfort zone.
53057 -- It's too close to the turn of the century.
53058 -- I have to bleach my hare.
53059 -- I'm worried about my vertical hold knob.
53060 -- I left my body in my other clothes.
53062 Why I Can't Go Out With You:
53064 I'd LOVE to, but...
53065 -- I've got a Friends of the Lowly Rutabaga meeting.
53066 -- I promised to help a friend fold road maps.
53067 -- I've been scheduled for a karma transplant.
53068 -- I'm staying home to work on my cottage cheese sculpture.
53069 -- It's my parakeet's bowling night.
53070 -- I'm building a plant from a kit.
53071 -- There's a disturbance in the Force.
53072 -- I'm doing door-to-door collecting for static cling.
53073 -- I'm teaching my ferret to yodel.
53074 -- My crayons all melted together.
53076 Why is it called a funny bone when it hurts so much?
53078 Why is it taking so long for her to bring out all the good in you?
53080 Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral?
53081 It is because we are not the person involved.
53084 Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
53087 Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?
53090 Why isn't there some cheap and easy
53091 way to prove how much she means to me?
53093 Why my thoughts are my own, when they are in, but when they are out they
53095 -- Susanna Martin, executed for witchcraft, 1681
53097 Why not? -- What? -- Why not? -- Why should I not send it? -- Why should I
53098 not dispatch it? -- Why not? -- Strange! I don't know why I shouldn't --
53099 Well, then -- You will do me this favor. -- Why not? -- Why should you not
53100 do it? -- Why not? -- Strange! I shall do the same for you, when you want
53101 me to. Why not? Why should I not do it for you? Strange! Why not? --
53102 I can't think why not.
53103 -- Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, from a letter to his cousin Maria,
53104 "The Definitive Biography of PDQ Bach", Peter Schickele
53106 Why not go out on a limb?
53107 Isn't that where the fruit is?
53109 Why on earth do people buy old bottles of wine when they can get a
53110 fresh one for a quarter of the price?
53112 Why was I born with such contemporaries?
53115 Why, when no honest man will deny in private that every ultimate problem is
53116 wrapped in the profoundest mystery, do honest men proclaim in pulpits that
53117 unhesitating certainty is the duty of the most foolish and ignorant? Is it
53118 not a spectacle to make the angels laugh? We are a company of ignorant
53119 beings, feeling our way through mists and darkness, learning only be
53120 incessantly repeated blunders, obtaining a glimmering of truth by falling
53121 into every conceivable error, dimly discerning light enough for our daily
53122 needs, but hopelessly differing whenever we attempt to describe the ultimate
53123 origin or end of our paths; and yet, when one of us ventures to declare that
53124 we don't know the map of the universe as well as the map of our infintesimal
53125 parish, he is hooted, reviled, and perhaps told that he will be damned to all
53126 eternity for his faithlessness.
53127 -- Leslie Stephen, "An Agnostic's Apology",
53128 Fortnightly Review, 1876
53130 Why won't you let me kiss you goodnight? Is it something I said?
53133 Why would anyone want to be called "Later"?
53135 Why you say you no bunny rabbit when you have little powder-puff tail?
53136 -- The Tasmanian Devil
53139 Government expands to absorb all
53140 available revenue and then some.
53143 A pat on the back is only a few
53144 centimeters from a kick in the pants.
53146 Will Rogers never met you.
53148 Will you loan me $20.00 and only give me ten of it?
53149 That way, you will owe me ten, and I'll owe you ten, and we'll be even!
53151 Will your long-winded speeches never end?
53152 What ails you that you keep on arguing?
53155 William Safire's Rules for Writers:
53156 Remember to never split an infinitive. The passive voice
53157 should never be used. Do not put statements in the negative form.
53158 Verbs have to agree with their subjects. Proofread carefully to see if
53159 you words out. If you reread your work, you can find on rereading a
53160 great deal of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing. A
53161 writer must not shift your point of view. And don't start a sentence
53162 with a conjunction. (Remember, too, a preposition is a terrible word
53163 to end a sentence with.) Don't overuse exclamation marks!! Place
53164 pronouns as close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of 10
53165 or more words, to their antecedents. Writing carefully, dangling
53166 participles must be avoided. If any word is improper at the end of a
53167 sentence, a linking verb is. Take the bull by the hand and avoid
53168 mixing metaphors. Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky. Everyone
53169 should be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in
53170 their writing. Always pick on the correct idiom. The adverb always
53171 follows the verb. Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague;
53172 seek viable alternatives.
53174 Williams and Holland's Law:
53175 If enough data is collected,
53176 anything may be proven by statistical methods.
53178 Willie in the cauldron fell; Willie saw some dynamite,
53179 See the grief on mother's brow; Couldn't understand it quite;
53180 Mother loved her darling well -- Curiosity never pays:
53181 Willie's quite hard-boiled by now. It rained Willie seven days.
53183 Little Willie with a shout, William in a nice new sash,
53184 Gouged the baby's eyeballs out; Fell in the fire and burned to an ash.
53185 Stamped on them to make them pop. Now, although the room grows chilly,
53186 Mother cried, "Now, William, stop!" I haven't the heart to poke poor Billy.
53188 William with a thirst for gore, Little Willie mean as hell,
53189 Nailed the baby to the door. Threw his sister in the well!
53190 Mother said, with humor quaint: Said his mother when drawing water,
53191 "Careful, Will, don't mar the paint." 'sure is hard to raise a daughter.'
53192 -- Harry Graham, "Ruthless Rhymes for Heartless Homes", 1899
53194 Wilner's Observation:
53195 All conversations with a potato should be conducted in private.
53197 Winning isn't everything. It's the only thing.
53200 Winning isn't everything, but losing isn't anything.
53202 Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity...
53203 If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your
53204 head... if you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick...
53207 Winter is nature's way of saying, "Up yours."
53210 Winter is the season in which people try to keep the house
53211 as warm as it was in the summer, when they complained about the heat.
53213 [Wisdom] is a tree of life to those laying
53214 hold of her, making happy each one holding her fast.
53215 -- Proverbs 3:18, NSV
53217 Wisdom is knowing what to do with what you know.
53220 Wisdom is rarely found on the best-seller list.
53222 Wishing without work is like fishing without bait.
53226 The salt with which the American Humorist spoils his cookery...
53229 With a rubber duck, one's never alone.
53231 With all the fancy scientists in the world,
53232 why can't they just once build a nuclear balm.
53234 With all the talent around, it's sort of
53235 amazing that a woman could be up here with us.
53236 -- Ralph Kiner, on introducing an award winner
53238 With clothes the new are best, with friends the old are best.
53240 With Congress, every time they make a joke it's a law; and every time
53241 they make a law it's a joke.
53244 With every passing hour our solar system comes forty-three thousand
53245 miles closer to globular cluster M13 in the constellation Hercules,
53246 and still there are some misfits who continue to insist that there
53247 is no such thing as progress.
53250 With her body, woman is more sincere than man; but with her mind
53251 she lies. And when she lies, she does not believe herself.
53254 With listening comes wisdom, with speaking repentance.
53256 With reasonable men I will reason;
53257 with humane men I will plead;
53258 but to tyrants I will give no quarter.
53259 -- William Lloyd Garrison
53261 With the end of the football season, a star player for the college team
53262 celebrated the relaxation of team curfew by attending a late-night campus
53263 party. Soon after arriving, he became captivated by a beautiful coed and
53264 eased into a conversation with her by asking if she met many dates at
53266 "Oh, I have a three point eight, so I'm much more attracted to the
53267 strong academic types than to the dumb party animals," she said. "What's
53269 Grinning ear to ear, the jock boasted, "I get about twenty-five in
53270 the city and forty on the highway."
53272 With the end of the football season, a star player on the college team was
53273 celebrating the relaxation of his curfew by attending a late-night campus
53274 party. Soon after arriving, he was captivated by a beautiful coed and
53275 eased into a conversation with her by asking if she met many dates at
53277 "Oh, I have a three point eight, so I'm much more attracted to the
53278 strong academic types than to the dumb party animals," she said. "What's
53280 Grinning from ear to ear, the jock boasted, "I get at least
53281 twenty-five in the city and forty on the highway!"
53283 With women, I've got a long bamboo pole with a leather loop on the end of
53284 it. I slip the loop around their necks so they can't get away or come too
53285 close. Like catching snakes.
53288 Within a computer, natural language is unnatural.
53290 Within a month [in 1969] I had met the first of a small but not uninfluential
53291 community of people who violently opposed SALT for a simple reason: It might
53292 keep America from developing a first-strike capability against the Soviet
53293 Union. I'll never forget being lectured by an Air Force colonel about how
53294 we should have "nuked" the Soviets in late 1940s before they got The Bomb.
53295 I was told that if SALT would go away, we'd soon have the capability to nuke
53296 them again -- and this time we'd use it.
53297 -- Roger Molander, former nuclear strategist for the
53298 White House's National Security Council, Washington
53299 Post, 21 March, 1982
53301 Without adventure, civilization is in full decay.
53302 -- Alfred North Whitehead
53304 Without coffee he could not work, or at least he could not have worked in the
53305 way he did. In addition to paper and pens, he took with him everywhere as an
53306 indispensable article of equipment the coffee machine, which was no less
53307 important to him than his table or his white robe.
53308 -- Stefan Zweigs, Biography of Balzac
53310 Without fools there would be no wisdom.
53312 Without ice cream life and fame are meaningless.
53314 Without life, Biology itself would be impossible.
53316 Without love intelligence is dangerous;
53317 without intelligence love is not enough.
53320 With/Without - and who'll deny it's what the fighting's all about?
53323 Woke up this mornin' an' I had myself a beer,
53324 Yeah, Ah woke up this mornin' an' I had myself a beer
53325 The future's uncertain and the end is always near.
53326 -- Jim Morrison, "Roadhouse Blues"
53328 Woke up this morning, don't believe what I saw. Hundred billion
53329 bottles washed up on the shore. Seems I never noted being alone.
53330 Hundred billion castaways looking for a call.
53333 A man who knows all the ankles.
53336 An animal usually living in the vicinity of Man, and
53337 having a rudimentary susceptibility to domestication.
53340 Woman: "Is Yoo-Hoo hyphenated?"
53341 Yogi Berra: "No, ma'am, its not even carbonated."
53343 Woman are like elephants to me: I like to look at them, but I wouldn't
53347 Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
53350 Woman is generally so bad that the difference
53351 between a good and a bad woman scarcely exists.
53354 Woman on Street: Sir, you are drunk; very, very drunk.
53355 Winston Churchill: Madame, you are ugly; very, very ugly.
53356 I shall be sober in the morning.
53358 Woman was God's second mistake.
53361 Woman was taken out of man -- not out of his head, to rule over him; nor
53362 out of his feet, to be trampled under by him; but out of his side, to be
53363 equal to him -- under his arm, that he might protect her, and near his heart
53364 that he might love her.
53367 Woman would be more charming if one could
53368 fall into her arms without falling into her hands.
53371 Woman's advice has little value, but he who won't take it is a fool.
53374 Women are a problem, but if you haven't already guessed,
53375 they're the kind of problem I enjoy wrestling with.
53378 Women are all alike. When they're maids they're mild as milk:
53379 once make 'em wives, and they lean their backs against their
53380 marriage certificates, and defy you.
53383 Women are always anxious to urge bachelors to matrimony; is it
53384 from charity, or revenge?
53385 -- Gustave Vapereau
53387 Women are just like men, only different.
53389 Women are like elephants to me: I like to
53390 look at them, but I wouldn't want to own one.
53393 Women are not much, but they are the best other sex we have.
53396 Women are nothing but machines for producing children.
53399 Women are wiser than men because they know less and understand more.
53402 Women aren't as mere as they used to be.
53405 Women can keep a secret just as well as men,
53406 but it takes more of them to do it.
53408 Women complain about sex more than men. Their gripes fall into two
53409 categories: (1) Not enough and (2) Too much.
53412 Women, deceived by men, want to marry them; it is a kind of revenge
53413 as good as any other.
53414 -- Philippe De Remi
53416 Women give themselves to God when the
53417 Devil wants nothing more to do with them.
53420 Women give to men the very gold of their lives. Possibly;
53421 but they invariably want it back in such very small change.
53424 Women in love consist of a little sighing, a little
53425 crying, a little dying -- and a good deal of lying.
53428 Women of genius commonly have masculine faces, figures and manners.
53429 In transplanting brains to an alien soil God leaves a little of the
53430 original earth clinging to the roots.
53433 Women reason with the heart and are much less often wrong
53434 than men who reason with the head.
53437 Women sometimes forgive a man who forces the opportunity,
53438 but never a man who misses one.
53439 -- Charles De Talleyrand-Perigord
53441 Women treat us just as humanity treats its gods. They worship
53442 us and are always bothering us to do something for them.
53445 Women want their men to be cops. They want you to punish them and tell
53446 them what the limits are. The only thing that women hate worse from a man
53447 than being slapped is when you get on your knees and say you're sorry.
53450 Women waste men's lives and think they have
53451 indemnified them by a few gracious words.
53454 Women, when they are not in love, have all
53455 the cold blood of an experienced attorney.
53458 Women, when they have made a sheep of a man,
53459 always tell him that he is a lion with a will of iron.
53462 Women who desire to be like men, lack ambition.
53464 Women who want to be equal to men lack imagination.
53466 Women wish to be loved without a why or a wherefore;
53467 not because they are pretty, or good, or well-bred, or
53468 graceful, or intelligent, but because they are themselves.
53471 Women's Libbers are OK, I just wouldn't want my sister to marry one.
53473 Women's virtue is man's greatest invention.
53474 -- Cornelia Otis Skinner
53476 Wonder is the feeling of a philosopher,
53477 and philosophy begins in wonder.
53478 Socrates, quoting Plato
53481 Your hangover just makes it seem terrible.
53484 A theory is better than its explanation.
53486 Woody: What's the story, Mr. Peterson?
53487 Norm: The Bobbsey twins go to the brewery.
53488 Let's just cut to the happy ending.
53489 -- Cheers, Airport V
53491 Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, there's a cold one waiting for you.
53492 Norm: I know, and if she calls, I'm not here.
53493 -- Cheers, Bar Wars II: The Woodman Strikes Back
53496 Norm: Have I gotten that predictable? Good.
53497 -- Cheers, Don't Paint Your Chickens
53499 Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, Jack Frost nipping at your nose?
53500 Norm: Yep, now let's get Joe Beer nipping at my liver, huh?
53501 -- Cheers, Feeble Attraction
53503 Sam: What are you up to Norm?
53504 Norm: My ideal weight if I were eleven feet tall.
53505 -- Cheers, Bar Wars III: The Return of Tecumseh
53507 Woody: Nice cold beer coming up, Mr. Peterson.
53508 Norm: You mean, `Nice cold beer going *down* Mr. Peterson.'
53509 -- Cheers, Loverboyd
53511 Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, what do you say to a cold one?
53512 Norm: See you later, Vera, I'll be at Cheers.
53513 -- Cheers, Norm's Last Hurrah
53515 Sam: Well, look at you. You look like the cat that
53516 swallowed the canary.
53517 Norm: And I need a beer to wash him down.
53518 -- Cheers, Norm's Last Hurrah
53520 Woody: Would you like a beer, Mr. Peterson?
53521 Norm: No, I'd like a dead cat in a glass.
53522 -- Cheers, Little Carla, Happy at Last, Part 2
53524 Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, what's up?
53525 Norm: The warranty on my liver.
53526 -- Cheers, Breaking In Is Hard to Do
53528 Sam: What can I do for you, Norm?
53529 Norm: Open up those beer taps and, oh, take the day off, Sam.
53530 -- Cheers, Veggie-Boyd
53532 Woody: What's going on, Mr. Peterson?
53533 Norm: Another layer for the winter, Wood.
53534 -- Cheers, It's a Wonderful Wife
53536 Woody: How are you feeling today, Mr. Peterson?
53538 Woody: Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
53539 Norm: No, I meant `pour'.
53540 -- Cheers, Strange Bedfellows, Part 3
53542 Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, what's the story?
53543 Norm: Boy meets beer. Boy drinks beer. Boy gets another beer.
53544 -- Cheers, The Proposal
53546 Paul: Hey Norm, how's the world been treating you?
53547 Norm: Like a baby treats a diaper.
53548 -- Cheers, Tan 'n Wash
53550 Woody: What's going on, Mr. Peterson?
53551 Norm: Let's talk about what's going *in* Mr. Peterson. A beer, Woody.
53552 -- Cheers, Paint Your Office
53554 Sam: How's life treating you?
53555 Norm: It's not, Sammy, but that doesn't mean you can't.
53556 -- Cheers, A Kiss is Still a Kiss
53558 Woody: Can I pour you a draft, Mr. Peterson?
53559 Norm: A little early, isn't it Woody?
53561 Norm: No, for stupid questions.
53562 -- Cheers, Let Sleeping Drakes Lie
53564 Woody: What's happening, Mr. Peterson?
53565 Norm: The question is, Woody, why is it happening to me?
53566 -- Cheers, Strange Bedfellows, Part 1
53568 Woody: What's going down, Mr. Peterson?
53569 Norm: My cheeks on this barstool.
53570 -- Cheers, Strange Bedfellows, Part 2
53572 Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, can I pour you a beer?
53573 Norm: Well, okay, Woody, but be sure to stop me at one. ...
53574 Eh, make that one-thirty.
53575 -- Cheers, Strange Bedfellows, Part 2
53577 Woolsey-Swanson Rule:
53578 People would rather live with a problem they cannot
53579 solve rather than accept a solution they cannot understand.
53581 Words are the voice of the heart.
53583 Words can never express what words can never express.
53585 Words have a longer life than deeds.
53588 Words must be weighed, not counted.
53591 The blessed respite from screaming kids and
53592 soap operas for which you actually get paid.
53594 Work consists of whatever a body is obliged to do.
53595 Play consists of whatever a body is not obliged to do.
53598 Work continues in this area.
53599 -- DEC's SPR-Answering-Automaton
53601 Work expands to fill the time available.
53602 -- Cyril Northcote Parkinson, "The Economist", 1955
53604 Work is of two kinds: first, altering the position of matter at or near
53605 the earth's surface relative to other matter; second, telling other people
53607 -- Bertrand Russell
53609 Work is the crab grass in the lawn of life.
53612 Work is the curse of the drinking classes.
53615 Work like hell, tell everyone everything you know, close a deal with
53616 a handshake, and have fun.
53617 -- Harold "Doc" Edgerton, summing up his life's philosophy,
53618 shortly before dying at the age of 86.
53620 Work smarter, not harder, and be careful of your speling.
53622 Work without a vision is slavery,
53623 Vision without work is a pipe dream,
53624 But vision with work is the hope of the world.
53626 Working with Julie Andrews is like getting hit over the head with
53628 -- Christopher Plummer
53630 World tensions have, if anything, increased in the quarter century
53631 since H.G. Wells uttered his glum warning: "There is no more evil
53632 thing on earth than race prejudice, none at all. I write deliberately
53633 -- it is the worst single thing in life now. It justifies and holds
53634 together more baseness, cruelty and abomination than any other sort of
53635 error in the world."
53638 Worrying is like rocking in a rocking chair--
53639 It gives you something to do, but it doesn't get you anywhere.
53641 Worst Month of 1981 for Downhill Skiing:
53642 August. The lift lines are the shortest, though.
53643 -- Steve Rubenstein
53645 Worst Month of the Year:
53646 February. February has only 28 days in it, which means that if
53647 you rent an apartment, you are paying for three full days you
53648 don't get. Try to avoid Februarys whenever possible.
53649 -- Steve Rubenstein
53651 Worst Vegetable of the Year:
53652 Brussel sprout. This is also the worst vegetable of next year.
53653 -- Steve Rubenstein
53656 Yes, but not worth going to see.
53659 -- Sir George Bidell Airy, KCB, MA, LLD, DCL, FRS, FRAS
53660 (Astronomer Royal of Great Britain), estimating for the
53661 Chancellor of the Exchequer the potential value of the
53662 "analytical engine" invented by Charles Babbage, September
53670 Would it help if I got out and pushed?
53671 -- Princess Leia Organa
53673 Would that my hand were as swift as my tongue.
53676 Would the last person to leave Michigan please turn out the lights?
53678 Would ye both eat your cake and have your cake?
53681 Would you care to drift aimlessly in my direction?
53683 Would you care to view the ruins of my good intentions?
53685 Would you like to be tried in court by people
53686 who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty?
53688 Would you people stop playing these stupid games?!?!?!!!!
53690 Would you please have another look at my nose and put in that cocaine
53692 -- Adolf Hitler, quoted by Dr. Giesing in Nuremberg trial
53695 Would you *really* want to get on a non-stop flight?
53698 "Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?"
53699 "That depends a good deal on where you want to get to," said the Cat.
53702 Wouldn't this be a great world if being insecure and desperate were
53704 -- "Broadcast News"
53706 Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been.
53709 Write a wise saying and your name will live forever.
53712 Write yourself a threatening letter and pen a defiant reply.
53715 A small sticker created to cover the unsightly notch carelessly
53716 left by disk manufacturers. The use of the tab creates an error
53717 message once in a while, but its aesthetic value far outweighs
53718 the momentary inconvenience.
53721 write-protect tab, n:
53722 A small sticker created to cover the unsightly notch carelessly left
53723 by disk manufacturers. The use of the tab creates an error message
53724 once in a while, but its aesthetic value far outweighs the momentary
53728 Writers who use a computer swear to its liberating power in tones that bear
53729 witness to the apocalyptic power of a new divinity. Their conviction results
53730 from something deeper than mere gratitude for the computer's conveniences.
53731 Every new medium of writing brings about new intensities of religious belief
53732 and new schisms among believers. In the 16th century the printed book helped
53733 make possible the split between Catholics and Protestants. In the 20th
53734 century this history of tragedy and triumph is repeating itself as a farce.
53735 Those who worship the Apple computer and those who put their faith in the IBM
53736 PC are equally convinced that the other camp is damned or deluded. Each cult
53737 holds in contempt the rituals and the laws of the other. Each thinks that it
53738 is itself the one hope for salvation.
53739 -- Edward Mendelson, "The New Republic", February 22, 1988
53741 Writing free verse is like playing tennis with the net down.
53743 Writing is easy; all you do is sit staring at the blank sheet of
53744 paper until drops of blood form on your forehead.
53747 Writing is turning one's worst moments into money.
53750 Writing software is more fun than working.
53755 What You See Is What You Get.
53758 Accept any substitute.
53759 If it's broke, don't fix it.
53760 If it ain't broke, fix it.
53761 Form follows malfunction.
53762 The Cutting Edge of Obsolescence.
53763 The trailing edge of software technology.
53764 Armageddon never looked so good.
53765 Japan's secret weapon.
53766 You'll envy the dead.
53767 Making the world safe for competing window systems.
53768 Let it get in YOUR way.
53769 The problem for your problem.
53770 If it starts working, we'll fix it. Pronto.
53771 It could be worse, but it'll take time.
53772 Simplicity made complex.
53773 The greatest productivity aid since typhoid.
53774 Flakey and built to stay that way.
53776 One thousand monkeys. One thousand MicroVAXes. One thousand years.
53780 It's not how slow you make it. It's how you make it slow.
53781 The windowing system preferred by masochists 3 to 1.
53782 Built to take on the world... and lose!
53783 Don't try it 'til you've knocked it.
53784 Power tools for Power Fools.
53785 Putting new limits on productivity.
53786 The closer you look, the cruftier we look.
53787 Design by counterexample.
53788 A new level of software disintegration.
53789 No hardware is safe.
53791 Rationalization, not realization.
53792 Old-world software cruftsmanship at its finest.
53793 Gratuitous incompatibility.
53795 THE user interference management system.
53796 You can't argue with failure.
53797 You haven't died 'til you've used it.
53799 The environment of today... tomorrow!
53803 Something you can be ashamed of.
53804 30%% more entropy than the leading window system.
53805 The first fully modular software disaster.
53806 Rome was destroyed in a day.
53807 Warn your friends about it.
53808 Climbing to new depths. Sinking to new heights.
53809 An accident that couldn't wait to happen.
53810 Don't wait for the movie.
53811 Never use it after a big meal.
53813 Plumbing the depths of human incompetence.
53814 It'll make your day.
53815 Don't get frustrated without it.
53816 Power tools for power losers.
53817 A software disaster of Biblical proportions.
53818 Never had it. Never will.
53819 The software with no visible means of support.
53820 More than just a generation behind.
53822 Hindenburg. Titanic. Edsel.
53826 The ultimate bottleneck.
53827 Flawed beyond belief.
53828 The only thing you have to fear.
53829 Somewhere between chaos and insanity.
53830 On autopilot to oblivion.
53831 The joke that kills.
53832 A disgrace you can be proud of.
53833 A mistake carried out to perfection.
53834 Belongs more to the problem set than the solution set.
53835 To err is X windows.
53836 Ignorance is our most important resource.
53837 Complex nonsolutions to simple nonproblems.
53838 Built to fall apart.
53839 Nullifying centuries of progress.
53840 Falling to new depths of inefficiency.
53841 The last thing you need.
53842 The defacto substandard.
53844 Elevating brain damage to an art form.
53848 We will dump no core before its time.
53849 One good crash deserves another.
53850 A bad idea whose time has come. And gone.
53852 It didn't even look good on paper.
53853 You laugh now, but you'll be laughing harder later!
53854 A new concept in abuser interfaces.
53855 How can something get so bad, so quickly?
53856 It could happen to you.
53857 The art of incompetence.
53858 You have nothing to lose but your lunch.
53859 When uselessness just isn't enough.
53860 More than a mere hindrance. It's a whole new barrier!
53861 When you can't afford to be right.
53862 And you thought we couldn't make it worse.
53864 If it works, it isn't X windows.
53867 You'd better sit down.
53868 Don't laugh. It could be YOUR thesis project.
53869 Why do it right when you can do it wrong?
53870 Live the nightmare.
53871 Our bugs run faster.
53872 When it absolutely, positively HAS to crash overnight.
53873 There ARE no rules.
53874 You'll wish we were kidding.
53875 Everything you never wanted in a window system. And more.
53876 Dissatisfaction guaranteed.
53877 There's got to be a better way.
53878 The next best thing to keypunching.
53879 Leave the thrashing to us.
53880 We wrote the book on core dumps.
53881 Even your dog won't like it.
53882 More than enough rope.
53883 Garbage at your fingertips.
53885 Incompatibility. Shoddiness. Uselessness.
53888 Xerox does it again and again and again and...
53890 Xerox never comes up with anything original.
53892 XEROX never does anything original.
53895 If the Earth could be made to rotate twice as fast, managers would
53896 get twice as much done. If the Earth could be made to rotate twenty
53897 times as fast, everyone else would get twice as much done since all
53898 the managers would fly off.
53900 It costs a lot to build bad products.
53902 There are many highly successful businesses in the United States.
53903 There are also many highly paid executives. The policy is not to
53904 intermingle the two.
53906 After the year 2015, there will be no airplane crashes. There will
53907 be no takeoffs either, because electronics will occupy 100 percent
53908 of every airplane's weight.
53910 The last 10 percent of performance generates one-third of the cost
53911 and two-thirds of the problems.
53912 -- Norman Augustine
53915 The more one produces, the less one gets.
53917 Simple systems are not feasible because they require infinite testing.
53919 Hardware works best when it matters the least.
53921 Aircraft flight in the 21st century will always be in a westerly
53922 direction, preferably supersonic, crossing time zones to provide the
53923 additional hours needed to fix the broken electronics.
53925 One should expect that the expected can be prevented, but the
53926 unexpected should have been expected.
53928 A billion saved is a billion earned.
53929 -- Norman Augustine
53932 Two-thirds of the Earth's surface is covered with water. The other
53933 third is covered with auditors from headquarters.
53935 The more time you spend talking about what you have been doing, the
53936 less time you have to spend doing what you have been talking about.
53937 Eventually, you spend more and more time talking about less and less
53938 until finally you spend all your time talking about nothing.
53940 Regulations grow at the same rate as weeds.
53942 The average regulation has a life span one-fifth as long as a
53943 chimpanzee's and one-tenth as long as a human's -- but four times
53944 as long as the official's who created it.
53946 By the time of the United States Tricentennial, there will be more
53947 government workers than there are workers.
53949 People working in the private sector should try to save money.
53950 There remains the possibility that it may someday be valuable again.
53951 -- Norman Augustine
53953 X-rated movies are all alike -- the only thing
53954 they leave to the imagination is the plot.
53957 In the year 2054, the entire defense budget will purchase just one
53958 aircraft. This aircraft will have to be shared by the Air Force and
53959 Navy 3-1/2 days each per week except for leap year, when it will be
53960 made available to the Marines for the extra day.
53962 Software is like entropy. It is difficult to grasp, weighs nothing,
53963 and obeys the Second Law of Thermodynamics, i.e., it always increases.
53965 It is very expensive to achieve high unreliability. It is not uncommon
53966 to increase the cost of an item by a factor of ten for each factor of
53967 ten degradation accomplished.
53969 Although most products will soon be too costly to purchase, there will
53970 be a thriving market in the sale of books on how to fix them.
53972 In any given year, Congress will appropriate the amount of funding
53973 approved the prior year plus three-fourths of whatever change the
53974 administration requests -- minus 4-percent tax.
53975 -- Norman Augustine
53978 It's easy to get a loan unless you need it.
53980 If stock market experts were so expert, they would be buying stock,
53981 not selling advice.
53983 Any task can be completed in only one-third more time than is
53984 currently estimated.
53986 The only thing more costly than stretching the schedule of an
53987 established project is accelerating it, which is itself the most
53988 costly action known to man.
53990 A revised schedule is to business what a new season is to an athlete
53991 or a new canvas to an artist.
53992 -- Norman Augustine
53995 If a sufficient number of management layers are superimposed on each
53996 other, it can be assured that disaster is not left to chance.
53998 Rank does not intimidate hardware. Neither does the lack of rank.
54000 It is better to be the reorganizer than the reorganizee.
54002 Executives who do not produce successful results hold on to their
54003 jobs only about five years. Those who produce effective results
54004 hang on about half a decade.
54006 By the time the people asking the questions are ready for the answers,
54007 the people doing the work have lost track of the questions.
54008 -- Norman Augustine
54011 The optimum committee has no members.
54013 Hiring consultants to conduct studies can be an excellent means of
54014 turning problems into gold -- your problems into their gold.
54016 Fools rush in where incumbents fear to tread.
54018 The process of competitively selecting contractors to perform work
54019 is based on a system of rewards and penalties, all distributed
54022 The weaker the data available upon which to base one's conclusion,
54023 the greater the precision which should be quoted in order to give
54024 the data authenticity.
54025 -- Norman Augustine
54028 The thickness of the proposal required to win a multimillion dollar
54029 contract is about one millimeter per million dollars. If all the
54030 proposals conforming to this standard were piled on top of each other
54031 at the bottom of the Grand Canyon it would probably be a good idea.
54033 Ninety percent of the time things will turn out worse than you expect.
54034 The other 10 percent of the time you had no right to expect so much.
54036 The early bird gets the worm.
54037 The early worm ... gets eaten.
54039 Never promise to complete any project within six months of the end of
54040 the year -- in either direction.
54042 Most projects start out slowly -- and then sort of taper off.
54043 -- Norman Augustine
54045 Ya know, Quaker Oats make you feel good twice!
54047 Yacc owes much to a most stimulating collection of users, who have
54048 goaded me beyond my inclination, and frequently beyond my ability in
54049 their endless search for "one more feature". Their irritating
54050 unwillingness to learn how to do things my way has usually led to my
54051 doing things their way; most of the time, they have been right.
54052 -- Stephen C. Johnson, "Yacc guide acknowledgements"
54054 Ya'll hear about the geometer who went to the beach to catch some
54055 rays and became a tangent ?
54057 Yawd [noun, Bostonese]: the campus of Have Id.
54058 -- Webster's Unafraid Dictionary
54060 Yea from the table of my memory
54061 I'll wipe away all trivial fond records.
54064 Yeah, God is dead, he laughed himself to death.
54066 Yeah, if it looks like a duck, and walks like
54067 a duck, and quacks like a duck -- shoot it.
54069 Yeah, that's me, Tracer Bullet. I've got eight slugs in me. One's lead,
54070 the rest bourbon. The drink packs a wallop, and I pack a revolver. I'm
54074 Yeah, there are more important things in life than money,
54075 but they won't go out with you if you don't have any.
54078 A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments.
54080 Year Name James Bond Book
54081 ---- -------------------------------- -------------- ----
54082 50's James Bond TV Series Barry Nelson
54083 1962 Dr. No Sean Connery 1958
54084 1963 From Russia With Love Sean Connery 1957
54085 1964 Goldfinger Sean Connery 1959
54086 1965 Thunderball Sean Connery 1961
54087 1967* Casino Royale David Niven 1954
54088 1967 You Only Live Twice Sean Connery 1964
54089 1969 On Her Majesty's Secret Service George Lazenby 1963
54090 1971 Diamonds Are Forever Sean Connery 1956
54091 1973 Live And Let Die Roger Moore 1955
54092 1974 The Man With The Golden Gun Roger Moore 1965
54093 1977 The Spy Who Loved Me Roger Moore 1962 (novelette)
54094 1979 Moonraker Roger Moore 1955
54095 1981 For Your Eyes Only Roger Moore 1960 (novelette)
54096 1983 Octopussy Roger Moore 1965
54097 1983* Never Say Never Again Sean Connery
54098 1985 A View To A Kill Roger Moore 1960 (novelette)
54099 1987 The Living Daylights Timothy Dalton 1965 (novelette)
54100 * -- Not a Broccoli production.
54102 Yes, but every time I try to see things your way, I get a headache.
54104 Yes, but which self do you want to be?
54106 Yes, I've now got this nice little apartment in New York, one of those
54107 L-shaped ones. Unfortunately, it's a lower case l.
54110 Yes me, I got a bottle in front of me.
54111 And Jimmy has a frontal lobotomy.
54112 Just different ways to kill the pain the same.
54113 But I'd rather have a bottle in front of me,
54114 Than to have to have a frontal lobotomy.
54115 I might be drunk but at least I'm not insane.
54116 -- Randy Ansley M.D. (Dr. Rock)
54118 Yes, that was Richard Nixon. He used to be President. When he left
54119 the White House, the Secret Service would count the silverware.
54120 -- Woody Allen, "Sleeper"
54122 Yes, we will be going to OSI, Mars and, Pluto, but not necessarily in
54124 -- George Michaelson
54126 Yesterday I was a dog. Today I'm a dog.
54127 Tomorrow I'll probably still be a dog.
54128 Sigh! There's so little hope for advancement.
54131 Yesterday upon the stair
54132 I met a man who wasn't there.
54133 He wasn't there again today --
54134 I think he's from the CIA.
54136 Yesterday upon the stair
54137 I met a man who wasn't there.
54138 He wasn't there again today.
54139 I think he's from the CIA.
54141 Ye've also got to remember that ... respectable people do the most
54142 astonishin' things to preserve their respectability. Thank God
54143 I'm not respectable.
54144 -- Ruthven Campbell Todd
54146 Yevtushenko has... an ego that can crack crystal at a distance of twenty
54150 Yield to temptation; it may not pass your way again.
54153 A person who combs his hair over his bald spot,
54154 hoping no one will notice.
54155 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
54157 You ain't learning nothing when you're talking.
54159 You always have the option of pitching baseballs at empty
54160 spray paint cans in a cul-de-sac in a Cleveland suburb.
54162 You are a bundle of energy, always on the go.
54164 You are a fluke of the universe; you have no right to be here.
54166 You are a taxi driver. Your cab is yellow and black, and has been in
54167 use for only seven years. One of its windshield wipers is broken, and
54168 the carburetor needs adjusting. The tank holds 20 gallons, but at the
54169 moment is only three-quarters full. How old is the taxi driver?"
54171 You are a wish to be here wishing yourself.
54174 You are absolute plate-glass. I see to the very back of your mind.
54177 You are always busy.
54179 You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.
54181 You are an insult to my intelligence!
54182 I demand that you log off immediately.
54184 You are as I am with You.
54186 You are capable of planning your future.
54188 You are confused; but this is your normal state.
54190 You are deeply attached to your friends and acquaintances.
54192 You are destined to become the commandant of the
54193 fighting men of the department of transportation.
54195 You are dishonest, but never to the point of hurting a friend.
54197 You are fairminded, just and loving.
54199 You are false data.
54201 You are farsighted, a good planner,
54202 an ardent lover, and a faithful friend.
54204 You are fighting for survival in your own sweet and gentle way.
54206 You are going to have a new love affair.
54208 You are in a maze of little twisting passages, all alike.
54210 You are in a maze of little twisting passages, all different.
54212 You are in the hall of the mountain king.
54214 You are lost in the Swamps of Despair.
54216 You are loved by the multitudes.
54217 Have you been to the clinic lately?
54219 You are magnetic in your bearing.
54221 You are never given a wish without also being given the
54222 power to make it true. You may have to work for it, however.
54223 -- R. Bach, "Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for
54226 You are not a fool just because you have done
54227 something foolish -- only if the folly of it escapes you.
54229 You are not dead yet.
54230 But watch for further reports.
54232 You are not permitted to kill a woman who has wronged you, but nothing
54233 forbids you to reflect that she is growing older every minute. You are
54234 avenged fourteen hundred and forty times a day.
54237 You are now in Atlanta, Georgia.
54238 Please set your clocks back 200 years.
54240 You are number 6! Who is number one?
54242 "You are old, father William," the young man said,
54243 "And your hair has become very white;
54244 And yet you incessantly stand on your head --
54245 Do you think, at your age, it is right?"
54247 "In my youth," father William replied to his son,
54248 "I feared it might injure the brain;
54249 But, now that I'm perfectly sure I have none,
54250 Why, I do it again and again."
54252 "You are old," said the youth, "as I mentioned before,
54253 And have grown most uncommonly fat;
54254 Yet you turned a back-somersault in at the door --
54255 Pray what is the reason of that?"
54257 "In my youth," said the sage, as he shook his grey locks,
54258 "I kept all my limbs very supple
54259 By the use of this ointment -- one shilling the box --
54260 Allow me to sell you a couple?"
54262 "You are old," said the youth, "and your jaws are too weak
54263 For anything tougher than suet;
54264 Yet you finished the goose, with the bones and the beak --
54265 Pray, how did you manage to do it?"
54267 "In my youth," said his father, "I took to the law,
54268 And argued each case with my wife;
54269 And the muscular strength which it gave to my jaw,
54270 Has lasted the rest of my life."
54272 "You are old," said the youth, "one would hardly suppose
54273 That your eye was as steady as ever;
54274 Yet you balanced an eel on the end of your nose --
54275 What made you so awfully clever?"
54277 "I have answered three questions, and that is enough,"
54278 Said his father. "Don't give yourself airs!
54279 Do you think I can listen all day to such stuff?
54280 Be off, or I'll kick you down stairs!"
54282 You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.
54284 You are scrupulously honest, frank, and straightforward.
54285 Therefore you have few friends.
54287 You are sick, twisted and perverted.
54288 I like that in a person.
54290 You are so boring that when I see you my feet go to sleep.
54292 "You are *so* lovely."
54294 "Yes! And you take a compliment, too! I like that in a goddess."
54296 You are standing on my toes.
54298 You are taking yourself far too seriously.
54300 You are transported to a room where you are faced by a wizard who
54301 points to you and says, "Them's fighting words!" You immediately get
54302 attacked by all sorts of denizens of the museum: there is a cobra
54303 chewing on your leg, a troglodyte is bashing your brains out with a
54304 gold nugget, a crocodile is removing large chunks of flesh from you, a
54305 rhinoceros is goring you with his horn, a sabre-tooth cat is busy
54306 trying to disembowel you, you are being trampled by a large mammoth, a
54307 vampire is sucking you dry, a Tyranosaurus Rex is sinking his six inch
54308 long fangs into various parts of your anatomy, a large bear is
54309 dismembering your body, a gargoyle is bouncing up and down on your
54310 head, a burly troll is tearing you limb from limb, several dire wolves
54311 are making mince meat out of your torso, and the wizard is about to
54312 transport you to the corner of Westwood and Broxton. Oh dear, you seem
54313 to have gotten yourself killed, as well.
54315 You scored 0 out of 250 possible points.
54316 That gives you a ranking of junior beginning adventurer.
54317 To achieve the next higher rating, you need to score 32 more points.
54319 You are wise, witty, and wonderful,
54320 but you spend too much time reading this sort of trash.
54322 You ask what a nice girl will do?
54323 She won't give an inch, but she won't say no.
54324 -- Marcus Valerius Martialis
54326 You attempt things that you do not even plan
54327 because of your extreme stupidity.
54331 "You boys lookin' for trouble?"
54332 "Sure. Whaddya got?"
54333 -- Marlon Brando, "The Wild Ones"
54335 You buttered your bread, now lie in it!
54337 You buy a judge by weight, like iron in a junk yard. A justice of the
54338 peace or a magistrate can be had for a five-dollar bill. In the
54339 municipal courts, he will cost you ten. In the circuit or superior
54340 courts, he wants fifteen. The state appellate courts or the state
54341 supreme court is on a par with the Federal courts. By the time a judge
54342 reaches such courts, he is middle-aged, thick around the middle, fat
54343 between the ears. He's heavy. You can't buy a Federal judge for less
54344 than a twenty-dollar bill.
54345 -- Jake "Greasy Thumb" Guzik
54347 You can always pick up your needle and move to another groove.
54350 You can always tell luck from ability by its duration.
54352 You can always tell the people that are forging the new frontier.
54353 They're the ones with arrows sticking out of their backs.
54355 You can approach truth, but never capture it.
54356 Lies can be had 'round the corner.
54357 -- Poul Henningsen [1894-1967]
54359 You can be replaced by this computer.
54361 You can bear anything if it isn't your own fault.
54362 -- Katharine Fullerton Gerould
54364 You can bring any calculator you like to the midterm, as long as it
54365 doesn't dim the lights when you turn it on.
54366 -- Hepler, CS, University of Washington
54368 You can bring any calculator you like to the midterm, as long as it
54369 doesn't dim the lights when you turn it on.
54370 -- Hepler, Systems Design 182
54372 You can bring men from other parts of the world who are sane. And you
54373 know what happens? At the very moment they cross those mountains...
54374 they go mad. Instantaneously and automatically, at the very moment
54375 they cross the mountains into California, they go insane.
54378 You can build a throne out of bayonets, but you can't sit on it for very long.
54381 You can cage a swallow, can't you,
54382 but you can't swallow a cage, can you?
54383 Girl, bathing on Bikini, eyeing boy,
54384 finds boy eyeing bikini on bathing girl.
54385 A man, a plan, a canal -- Panama!
54386 -- The Palindromist
54388 You can create your own opportunities this week.
54389 Blackmail a senior executive.
54391 You can destroy your now by worrying about tomorrow.
54394 You can do this in a number of ways. IBM chose to do all of them.
54395 Why do you find that funny?
54396 -- D. Taylor, Computer Science 350
54398 You can do this in a number of ways. IBM chose to do all of them.
54399 Why do you find that funny?
54400 -- D. Taylor, CS, University of Washington
54402 You can do very well in speculation where
54403 land or anything to do with dirt is concerned.
54405 You can drive a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.
54407 You can fool all the people all of the time if the advertising is right
54408 and the budget is big enough.
54409 -- Joseph E. Levine
54411 You can fool some of the people all of the time and all
54412 of the people some of the time, but you can never fool your Mom.
54414 You can fool some of the people all of the time,
54415 and all of the people some of the time,
54416 but you can make a fool of yourself anytime.
54418 You can fool some of the people some of the time,
54419 and some of the people all of the time, and that is sufficient.
54421 You can get *anywhere* in ten minutes if you drive fast enough.
54423 You can get everything in life you want,
54424 if you will help enough other people get what they want.
54426 You can get much further with a kind word and a
54427 gun than you can with a kind word alone.
54429 [Also attributed to Johnny Carson. Ed.]
54431 You can get there from here, but why on earth would you want to?
54433 You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
54435 You can grovel with a lover, you can grovel with a friend,
54436 You can grovel with your boss, and it never has to end.
54438 (chorus) Grovel, grovel, grovel, every night and every day,
54439 Grovel, grovel, grovel, in your own peculiar way.
54441 You can grovel in a hallway, you can grovel in a park,
54442 You can grovel in an alley with a mugger after dark.
54445 You can grovel with your uncle, you can grovel with your aunt,
54446 You can grovel with your Apple, even though you say you can't.
54449 You can have a dog as a friend. You can have whiskey as a friend. But
54450 if you have a woman as a friend, you're going to wind up drunk and kissing
54454 You can have peace. Or you can have freedom.
54455 Don't ever count on having both at once.
54458 You can imagine my embarrassment when I killed the wrong guy.
54461 You can lead a horse to water, but if you can
54462 get him to float on his back, you've got something.
54464 You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have,
54466 -- Franklin P. Jones
54468 You can make it illegal, but can't make it unpopular.
54470 You can make it illegal, but you can't make it unpopular.
54472 You can measure a programmer's perspective by noting
54473 his attitude on the continuing vitality of FORTRAN.
54475 You can move the world with an idea,
54476 but you have to think of it first.
54478 You can never do just one thing.
54481 You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the tracks.
54483 You can never trust a woman; she may be true to you.
54485 You can no more win a war than you can win an earthquake.
54486 -- Jeannette Rankin
54488 You can not get anything worthwhile done without raising a sweat.
54489 -- The First Law Of Thermodynamics
54491 What ever you want is going to cost a little more than it is worth.
54492 -- The Second Law Of Thermodynamics
54494 You can not win the game, and you are not allowed to stop playing.
54495 -- The Third Law Of Thermodynamics
54497 You can now buy more gates with less
54498 specifications than at any other time in history.
54501 You can observe a lot just by watching.
54504 You can rent this space for only $5 a week.
54506 You can take all the impact that science considerations have on funding
54507 decisions at NASA, put them in the navel of a flea, and have room left
54508 over for a caraway seed and Tony Calio's heart.
54511 You can tell how far we have to go,
54512 when Fortran is the language of supercomputers.
54515 You can tell the ideals of a nation by its advertisements.
54518 You can write a small letter to Grandma in the filename.
54519 -- Forbes Burkowski, CS, University of Washington
54521 You canna change the laws of physics, Captain;
54522 I've got to have thirty minutes!
54524 You cannot achieve the impossible without attempting the absurd.
54526 You cannot choose your battlefield, the gods do that for you.
54527 But you can plant a standard where a standard never flew.
54530 You cannot have a science without measurement.
54533 You cannot kill time without injuring eternity.
54535 You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back.
54537 You cannot see the wood for the trees.
54540 You cannot shake hands with a clenched fist.
54543 You cannot use your friends and have them too.
54545 You can't break eggs without making an omelet.
54547 You can't carve your way to success without cutting remarks.
54549 You can't cheat an honest man, never give
54550 a sucker an even break or smarten up a chump.
54553 You can't cheat the phone company.
54555 You can't cross a large chasm in two small jumps.
54557 You can't depend on the man who made the mess to clean it up.
54558 -- Richard Nixon, 1952
54560 You can't erase a dream, you can only wake me up.
54563 You can't expect a boy to be vicious till he's been to a good school.
54566 "You can't expect a mother to be with a small child all the time",
54567 Margaret Mead once remarked, with her usual good sense, but in 1978
54568 she shocked feminists by snapping that women don't really have
54569 children to put them in day care twelve hours a day, either.
54570 -- Caroline Bird, "The Two Paycheck Marriage"
54572 You can't fall off the floor.
54574 You can't get there from here.
54576 You can't go home again, unless you set $HOME.
54578 You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
54581 You can't have your cake and let your neighbor eat it too.
54584 You can't hug a child with nuclear arms.
54586 You can't judge a book by the way it wears its hair.
54588 You can't kiss a girl unexpectedly --
54589 only sooner than she thought you would.
54591 You can't learn too soon that the most useful thing about a principle
54592 is that it can always be sacrificed to expediency.
54593 -- W. Somerset Maugham, "The Circle"
54595 You can't mend a wristwatch while falling from an airplane.
54597 You can't play your friends like marks, kid.
54598 -- Henry Gondorf, "The Sting"
54600 You can't push on a string.
54602 You can't run away forever,
54603 But there's nothing wrong with getting a good head start.
54604 -- Jim Steinman, "Rock and Roll Dreams Come Through"
54606 You can't say civilization don't advance... in every war they kill you a
54610 You can't start worrying about what's going to happen.
54611 You get spastic enough worrying about what's happening now.
54614 You can't take damsel here now.
54616 You can't take it with you --
54617 especially when crossing a state line.
54619 You can't teach people to be lazy --
54620 either they have it, or they don't.
54621 -- Dagwood Bumstead
54623 You can't underestimate the power of fear.
54624 -- Tricia Nixon Cox
54626 You climb to reach the summit, but once
54627 there, discover that all roads lead down.
54628 -- Stanislaw Lem, "The Cyberiad"
54630 You could get a new lease on life -- if only you
54631 didn't need the first and last month in advance.
54633 You could live a better life, if you
54634 had a better mind and a better body.
54636 You couldn't even prove the White House
54637 staff sane beyond a reasonable doubt.
54638 -- Ed Meese, on the Hinckley verdict
54640 You definitely intend to start living sometime soon.
54644 You display the wonderful traits of charm and courtesy.
54646 You do not have mail.
54648 You don't become a failure until you're satisfied with being one.
54650 You don't have to be nice to people on the way up
54651 if you're not planning on coming back down.
54652 -- Oliver Warbucks, "Annie"
54654 You don't have to explain something you never said.
54657 You don't have to know how the computer
54658 works, just how to work the computer.
54660 You don't have to think too hard when you talk to teachers.
54663 You don't move to Edina, you achieve Edina.
54666 You don't sew with a fork, so I see no
54667 reason to eat with knitting needles.
54668 -- Miss Piggy, on eating Chinese Food
54670 You enjoy the company of other people.
54672 You feel a whole lot more like you do
54673 now than you did when you used to.
54675 You fill a much-needed gap.
54677 You first parent of the human race... who ruined yourself for an apple,
54678 what might you have done for a truffled turkey?
54679 -- Brillat-savarin, "Physiologie du Gout"
54681 You first parents of the human race... who ruined yourself for
54682 an apple, what might you not have done for a truffled turkey?
54685 You get along very well with everyone except animals and people.
54687 You get what you pay for.
54690 You give me space to belong to myself yet without separating me
54691 from your own life. May it all turn out to your happiness.
54694 You go down to the pickup station,
54695 craving warmth and beauty;
54696 You settle for less than fascination --
54697 a few drinks later you're not so choosy.
54698 And the closing lights strip off the shadows
54699 on this strange new flesh you've found --
54700 Clutching the night to you like a fig leaf
54701 you hurry to the blackness
54702 and the blankets to lay down an impression
54703 and your loneliness.
54706 You got to be very careful if you don't know
54707 where you're going, because you might not get there.
54710 You got to pay your dues if you want to sing the blues,
54711 And you know it don't come easy ...
54712 I don't ask for much, I only want trust,
54713 And you know it don't come easy ...
54715 You guys have been practicing discrimination for years.
54717 -- Thurgood Marshall, quoted by Justice Douglas
54719 You had mail, but the super-user read it, and deleted it!
54722 Paul read it, so ask him what it said.
54724 You had some happiness once,
54725 but your parents moved away, and you had to leave it behind.
54727 You have a deep appreciation of the arts and music.
54729 You have a deep interest in all that is artistic.
54731 You have a massage (from the Swedish prime minister).
54733 You have a message from the operator.
54735 You have a reputation for being thoroughly reliable and trustworthy.
54736 A pity that it's totally undeserved.
54738 You have a strong appeal for members of the opposite sex.
54740 You have a strong appeal for members of your own sex.
54742 You have a strong desire for a home
54743 and your family interests come first.
54745 You have a tendency to feel you are superior to most computers.
54747 You have a truly strong individuality.
54749 You have a will that can be influenced
54750 by all with whom you come in contact.
54752 You have all eternity to be cautious in when you're dead.
54755 You have all the characteristics of a popular politician:
54756 a horrible voice, bad breeding, and a vulgar manner.
54759 You have an ability to sense and know higher truth.
54761 You have an ambitious nature and may make a name for yourself.
54763 You have an unusual equipment for success.
54764 Be sure to use it properly.
54766 You have an unusual understanding of
54767 the problems of human relationships.
54769 You have been in Afghanistan, I perceive.
54770 -- Sherlock Holmes, "A Study in Scarlet"
54772 You have been selected for a secret mission.
54774 You have Egyptian flu: you're going to be a mummy.
54776 You have had a long-term stimulation relative to business.
54778 You have literary talent that you should take pains to develop.
54782 You have many friends and very few living enemies.
54784 You have no real enemies.
54786 You have not converted a man because you have silenced him.
54787 -- John Viscount Morley
54789 You have only to mumble a few words in church to get married
54790 and few words in your sleep to get divorced.
54792 You have taken yourself too seriously.
54794 You have the capacity to learn from mistakes.
54795 You'll learn a lot today.
54797 You have the power to influence all with whom you come in contact.
54799 You have to run as fast as you can just to stay where you are.
54800 If you want to get anywhere, you'll have to run much faster.
54803 You humans are all alike.
54805 You just know when a relationship is about to end. My girlfriend called me
54806 at work and asked me how you change a lightbulb in the bathroom. "It's very
54807 simple," I said. "You start by filling up the bathtub with water..."
54809 You just wait, I'll sin till I blow up!
54812 You k'n hide de fier, but w'at you gwine do wid de smoke?
54813 -- Joel Chandler Harris, proverbs of Uncle Remus
54815 You knew the job was dangerous when you took it, Fred.
54818 You know, Callahan's is a peaceable bar, but if
54819 you ask that dog what his favorite formatter is,
54820 and he says "roff! roff!", well, I'll just have to...
54822 You know how to win a victory, Hannibal, but not how to use it.
54825 You know it's going to be a long day when you get up, shave and shower,
54826 start to get dressed and your shoes are still warm.
54829 You know it's Monday when you wake up and it's Tuesday.
54832 You know my heart keeps tellin' me,
54833 You're not a kid at thirty-three,
54834 You play around you lose your wife,
54835 You play too long, you lose your life.
54836 Some gotta win, some gotta lose,
54837 Goodtime Charlie's got the blues.
54839 You know, of course, that the Tasmanians, who never committed adultery,
54841 -- M. Somerset Maugham
54843 You know that feeling you get when you are tipping your chair back and you
54844 almost go crashing back on the floor but you just catch yourself? I feel
54845 like that all the time.
54848 You know, the difference between this company and
54849 the Titanic is that the Titanic had paying customers.
54851 You know very well that whether you are on page one or page thirty depends
54852 on whether [the press] fear you. It is just as simple as that.
54855 You know what I wish? I wish all the scum of the Earth had one throat
54856 and I had my hands about it.
54857 -- Rorschach, "Watchmen"
54859 You know what they say -- the sweetest word in the English language
54863 You know what we can be like: See a guy and think he's cute one minute, the
54864 next minute our brains have us married with kids, the following minute we see
54865 him having an extramarital affair. By the time someone says "I'd like you to
54866 meet Cecil," we shout, "You're late again with the child support!"
54867 -- Cynthia Heimel, "A Girl's Guide to Chaos"
54869 You know you are getting old when you think you should drive the speed limit.
54872 You know your apartment is small...
54873 when you can't know its position and velocity at the same time.
54874 you put your key in the lock and it breaks the window.
54875 you have to go outside to change your mind.
54876 you can vacuum the entire place using a single electrical outlet.
54878 You know you're getting old when you're Dad, and you're measuring your
54879 daughter for camp clothes, and there are certain measurements only her
54880 mother is allowed to take.
54882 You know you're in a small town when...
54883 You don't use turn signals because everybody knows where you're going.
54884 You're born on June 13 and your family receives gifts from the local
54885 merchants because you're the first baby of the year.
54886 Everyone knows whose credit is good, and whose wife isn't.
54887 You speak to each dog you pass, by name... and he wags his tail.
54888 You dial the wrong number, and talk for 15 minutes anyway.
54889 You write a check on the wrong bank and it covers you anyway.
54891 You know you're in trouble when...
54892 1) You wake up face down on the pavement.
54893 2) Your wife wakes up feeling amorous and you have a headache.
54894 3) You turn on the news and they're showing emergency routes
54896 4) Your twin sister forgot your birthday.
54897 5) You wake up and discover your waterbed broke and then
54898 remember that you don't have a waterbed.
54899 6) Your doctor tells you you're allergic to chocolate.
54901 You know you're in trouble when...
54902 1) Your car horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you
54903 follow a group of Hell's Angels on the freeway.
54904 2) You want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party
54905 and there aren't any.
54906 3) Your boss tells you not to bother to take off your coat.
54907 4) The bird singing outside your window is a buzzard.
54908 5) You wake up and your braces are locked together.
54909 6) Your mother approves of the person you're dating.
54911 You know you're in trouble when...
54912 (1) Your only son tells you he wishes Anita Bryant would mind
54914 (2) You put your bra on backwards and it fits better.
54915 (3) You call Suicide Prevention and they put you on hold.
54916 (4) You see a `60 Minutes' news team waiting in your office.
54917 (5) Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.
54918 (6) Your 4-year old reveals that it's "almost impossible" to
54919 flush a grapefruit down the toilet.
54920 (7) You realize that you've memorized the back of the cereal box.
54922 You know you're in trouble when...
54923 (1) You've been at work for an hour before you notice that your
54924 skirt is caught in your pantyhose.
54925 (2) Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife.
54926 (3) Your income tax check bounces.
54927 (4) You put both contact lenses in the same eye.
54928 (5) Your wife says, "Good morning, Bill" and your name is George.
54929 (6) You wake up to the soothing sound of flowing water... the day
54930 after you bought a waterbed.
54931 (7) You go on your honeymoon to a remote little hotel and the desk
54932 clerk, bell hop, and manager have a "Welcome Back" party
54935 You know you've been sitting in front of your Lisp machine too long
54936 when you go out to the junk food machine and start wondering how to
54937 make it give you the CADR of Item H so you can get that yummie
54938 chocolate cupcake that's stuck behind the disgusting vanilla one.
54940 You know you've landed gear-up when it takes full power to taxi.
54942 You learn to write as if to someone else
54943 because NEXT YEAR YOU WILL BE "SOMEONE ELSE".
54945 You like to form new friendships and make new acquaintances.
54947 You lived with a man who wore white belts?
54948 Laura, I'm disappointed in you.
54949 -- Remington Steele
54955 You love your home and want it to be beautiful.
54957 You may already be a loser.
54958 -- Form letter received by Rodney Dangerfield.
54960 You may be gone tomorrow, but that
54961 doesn't mean that you weren't here today.
54963 You may be infinitely smaller than some things,
54964 but you're infinitely larger than others.
54966 You may be recognized soon. Hide.
54968 You may be right, I may be crazy,
54969 But maybe it's a lunatic you're looking for?
54972 You may carve it on his tombstone, you may cut it on his card
54973 That a young man married is a young man marred.
54974 -- Rudyard Kipling, "The Story of the Gadsbys"
54976 You may get an opportunity for advancement today. Watch it!
54978 You may have heard that a dean is
54979 to faculty as a hydrant is to a dog.
54982 You may my glories and my state dispose,
54983 But not my griefs; still am I king of those.
54984 -- William Shakespeare, "Richard II"
54986 You may not be able to judge a book by its cover, but
54987 you sure as hell can tell how much it's going to cost.
54989 You may worry about your hair-do today, but tomorrow much peanut butter will
54992 You mean you didn't *know* she was off
54993 making lots of little phone companies?
54995 You mentioned your name as if I should recognize it, but beyond the
54996 obvious facts that you are a bachelor, a solicitor, a freemason, and
54997 an asthmatic, I know nothing whatever about you.
54998 -- Sherlock Holmes, "The Norwood Builder"
55000 You might have mail.
55002 You must dine in our cafeteria.
55003 You can eat dirt cheap there!!!!
55005 You must include all income you receive in the form of money, property
55006 and services if it is not specifically exempt. Report property (goods)
55007 and services at their fair market values. Examples include income from
55008 bartering or swapping transactions, side commissions, kickbacks, rent
55009 paid in services, illegal activities (such as stealing, drugs, etc.),
55010 cash skimming by proprietors and tradesmen, "moonlighting" services,
55011 gambling, prizes and awards. Not reporting such income can lead to
55012 prosecution for perjury and fraud.
55013 -- Excerpt from Taxachussettes income tax forms
55015 You must know that a man can have only one invulnerable loyalty, loyalty
55016 to his own concept of the obligations of manhood. All other loyalties
55017 are merely deputies of that one.
55020 You must realize that the computer has it in for you. The irrefutable
55021 proof of this is that the computer always does what you tell it to do.
55023 You need more time; and you probably always will.
55025 You need no longer worry about the future.
55026 This time tomorrow you'll be dead.
55028 You need not worry about your future.
55030 You never gain something but that you lose something.
55033 You never get a second chance to make a first impression.
55035 You never go anywhere without your soul.
55037 You never have to change anything you
55038 got up in the middle of the night to write.
55041 You never have to figure out what to get for children, because they will
55042 tell you exactly what they want. They spend months and months researching
55043 these kinds of things by watching Saturday- morning cartoon-show
55044 advertisements. Make sure you get your children exactly what they ask for,
55045 even if you disapprove of their choices. If your child thinks he wants
55046 Murderous Bob, the Doll with the Face You Can Rip Right Off, you'd better
55047 get it. You may be worried that it might help to encourage your child's
55048 antisocial tendencies, but believe me, you have not seen antisocial tendencies
55049 until you've seen a child who is convinced that he or she did not get the
55051 -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
55053 You never hesitate to tackle the most difficult problems.
55055 You never know what is enough until you know what is more than enough.
55058 You never learned anything by doing it right.
55060 You never realize how many friends you
55061 have until you rent a house at the beach.
55063 You notice that after Ginzburg admitted he had tried marijuana everyone
55064 got in line to admit it, too. But you also notice they all said they
55065 "experimented" with marijuana. The didn't "use" it; they "experimented"
55066 with it. Let me tell you something -- Jonas Salk "experiments"; these
55067 guys were getting stoned!
55070 You now have Asian Flu.
55072 You own a dog, but you can only feed a cat.
55074 You plan things that you do not even
55075 attempt because of your extreme caution.
55077 You possess a mind not merely twisted, but actually sprained.
55079 You prefer the company of the opposite
55080 sex, but are well liked by your own.
55082 You probably wouldn't worry about what people
55083 think of you if you could know how seldom they do.
55086 You recoil from the crude; you tend naturally toward the exquisite.
55088 You roll my log, and I will roll yours.
55089 -- Lucius Annaeus Seneca
55097 Let's go be the Vice President...
55099 You scratch my tape, and I'll scratch yours.
55101 You see, I consider that a man's brain originally is like a little empty
55102 attic, and you have to stock it with such furniture as you choose. A fool
55103 takes in all the lumber of every sort he comes across, so that the knowledge
55104 which might be useful to him gets crowded out, or at best is jumbled up with
55105 alot of other things, so that he has difficulty in laying his hands upon it.
55106 Now the skillful workman is very careful indeed as to what he takes into his
55107 brain-attic. He will have nothing but the tools which may help him in doing
55108 his work, but of these he has a large assortment, and all in the most perfect
55109 order. It is a mistake to think that that little room has elastic walls and
55110 can distend to any extent. Depend upon it there comes a time when for every
55111 addition of knowledge you forget something that you knew before. It is of
55112 the highest importance, therefore, not to have useless facts elbowing out
55116 You see things; and you say "Why?"
55117 But I dream things that never were; and I say "Why not?"
55118 -- George Bernard Shaw, "Back to Methuselah"
55119 [No, it wasn't J.F. Kennedy. Ed.]
55121 You see, wire telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull
55122 his tail in New York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you
55123 understand this? And radio operates exactly the same way: you send
55124 signals here, they receive them there. The only difference is that
55126 -- Albert Einstein, when asked to describe radio
55128 You seek to shield those you love
55129 and you like the role of the provider.
55131 You shall be rewarded for a dastardly deed.
55133 You shall judge of a man by his foes as well as by his friends.
55136 You should avoid hedging, at least that's what I think.
55138 You should go home.
55140 You should make a point of trying every experience once -- except
55141 incest and folk-dancing.
55142 -- A. Bax, "Farewell My Youth"
55144 You should never bet against anything in science at
55145 odds of more than about ten to the twelfth to one.
55148 You should never ride in an airplane with a sports team,
55149 because if the plane goes down, it's you they're gonna eat!
55150 -- Gordon Downie, singer for Tragically Hip
55152 You should never wear your best trousers
55153 when you go out to fight for freedom and liberty.
55156 You shouldn't have to pay for your love with your bones and your flesh.
55157 -- Pat Benatar, "Hell is for Children"
55159 You shouldn't wallow in self-pity. But it's OK to put
55160 your feet in it and swish them around a little.
55163 You single-handedly fought your way into this hopeless mess.
55165 You teach best what you most need to learn.
55167 YOU TOO CAN MAKE BIG MONEY IN THE EXCITING FIELD OF PAPER SHUFFLING!
55169 Mr. Smith of Muddle, Mass. says: "Before I took this course I used to be
55170 a lowly bit twiddler. Now with what I learned at MIT Tech I feel really
55171 important and can obfuscate and confuse with the best."
55173 Mr. Watkins had this to say: "Ten short days ago all I could look forward
55174 to was a dead-end job as a engineer. Now I have a promising future and
55175 make really big Zorkmids."
55177 MIT Tech can't promise these fantastic results to everyone, but when
55178 you earn your MDL degree from MIT Tech your future will be brighter.
55180 SEND FOR OUR FREE BROCHURE TODAY!
55182 You tread upon my patience.
55183 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV"
55185 You two ought to be more careful--
55186 your love could drag on for years and years.
55188 You want to know why I kept getting promoted?
55189 Because my mouth knows more than my brain.
55192 You will always find something in the last place you look.
55194 You will always get the greatest recognition for the job you least like.
55196 You will always have good luck in your personal affairs.
55198 You will attract cultured and artistic people to your home.
55200 You will be a winner today. Pick a fight with a four-year-old.
55202 You will be advanced socially,
55203 without any special effort on your part.
55205 You will be aided greatly by a person
55206 whom you thought to be unimportant.
55208 You will be audited by the Internal Revenue Service.
55210 You will be awarded a medal for disregarding safety in saving someone.
55212 You will be awarded some great honor.
55214 You will be awarded the Nobel Peace Prize... posthumously.
55216 You will be called upon to help a friend in trouble.
55218 You will be dead within a year.
55220 You will be divorced within a year.
55222 You will be given a post of trust and responsibility.
55224 You will be held hostage by a radical group.
55226 You will be honored for contributing
55227 your time and skill to a worthy cause.
55229 You will be imprisoned for contributing
55230 your time and skill to a bank robbery.
55232 You will be married within a year.
55234 You will be married within a year, and divorced within two.
55236 You will be misunderstood by everyone.
55238 You will be recognized and honored as a community leader.
55240 You will be reincarnated as a toad; and you will be much happier.
55242 You will be run over by a beer truck.
55244 You will be run over by a bus.
55246 You will be singled out for promotion in your work.
55248 You will be successful in love.
55250 You will be surprised by a loud noise.
55252 You will be surrounded by luxury.
55254 You will be the last person to buy a Chrysler.
55256 You will be the victim of a bizarre joke.
55258 You will be Told about it Tomorrow. Go Home and Prepare Thyself.
55260 You will be traveling and coming into a fortune.
55262 You will be winged by an anti-aircraft battery.
55264 You will become rich and famous unless you don't.
55266 You will contract a rare disease.
55268 You will engage in a profitable business activity.
55270 You will experience a strong urge to do good; but it will pass.
55272 You will feel hungry again in another hour.
55274 You will find me drinking gin
55275 In the lowest kind of inn,
55276 Because I am a rigid Vegetarian.
55279 You will forget that you ever knew me.
55281 You will gain money by a fattening action.
55283 You will gain money by a speculation or lottery.
55285 You will gain money by an illegal action.
55287 You will gain money by an immoral action.
55289 You will get what you deserve.
55291 You will give someone a piece of your mind, which you can ill afford.
55293 You will have a head crash on your private pack.
55295 You will have a long and boring life.
55297 You will have a long and unpleasant discussion with your supervisor.
55299 You will have domestic happiness and faithful friends.
55301 You will have good luck and overcome many hardships.
55303 You will have long and healthy life.
55305 You will have many recoverable tape errors.
55307 You will hear good news from one you thought unfriendly to you.
55309 You will inherit millions of dollars.
55311 You will inherit some money or a small piece of land.
55313 You will live a long, healthy, happy life and make bags of money.
55315 You will live to see your grandchildren.
55317 You will lose an important disk file.
55319 You will lose an important tape file.
55321 You will meet an important person who will help you advance professionally.
55323 You will never amount to much.
55324 -- Munich Schoolmaster, to Albert Einstein, age 10
55326 You will never know hunger.
55328 You will not be elected to public office this year.
55330 You will obey or molten silver will be poured into your ears.
55332 You will outgrow your usefulness.
55334 You will overcome the attacks of jealous associates.
55336 You will pass away very quickly.
55338 You will pay for your sins.
55339 If you have already paid, please disregard this message.
55341 You will pioneer the first Martian colony.
55343 You will probably marry after a very brief courtship.
55345 You will reach the highest possible point in your business or profession.
55347 You will receive a legacy which will place you above want.
55349 You will remember something that you should not have forgotten.
55351 You will remember, Watson, how the dreadful business of the Abernetty family
55352 was first brought to my notice by the depth which the parsley had sunk into
55353 the butter upon a hot day.
55356 You will remember, Watson, how the dreadful business of the Abernetty
55357 family was first brought to my notice by the |depth which the parsley
55358 had sunk into the butter upon a hot day.
55361 You will soon forget this.
55363 You will soon meet a person who will play an important role in your life.
55365 You will step on the night soil of many countries.
55367 You will stop at nothing to reach your objective,
55368 but only because your brakes are defective.
55370 You will triumph over your enemy.
55372 You will visit the Dung Pits of Glive soon.
55374 You will win success in whatever calling you adopt.
55376 You will wish you hadn't.
55378 You won't skid if you stay in a rut.
55381 You work very hard. Don't try to think as well.
55383 You worry too much about your job.
55384 Stop it. You are not paid enough to worry.
55386 "You would do well not to imagine profundity," he said. "Anything that seems
55387 of momentous occasion should be dwelt upon as though it were of slight note.
55388 Conversely, trivialities must be attended to with the greatest of care.
55389 Because death is momentous, give it no thought; because victory is important,
55390 give it no thought; because the method of achievement and discovery is less
55391 momentous than the effect, dwell always upon the method. You will strengthen
55392 yourself in this way."
55393 -- Jessica Salmonson, "The Swordswoman"
55395 You would if you could but you can't so you won't.
55397 You'd best be snoozin', 'cause you don't
55398 be gettin' no work done at 5 a.m. anyway.
55399 -- From the wall of the Wurster Hall stairwell
55401 You'd better smile when they watch you, smile like you're in control.
55402 -- Smile, "Was (Not Was)"
55404 You'd like to do it instantaneously, but that's too slow.
55407 What you always were,
55408 Which has nothing to do with,
55409 All to do, with her.
55412 You'll be called to a post requiring
55413 ability in handling groups of people.
55417 You'll feel devilish tonight.
55418 Toss dynamite caps under a flamenco dancer's heel.
55420 You'll feel much better once you've given up hope.
55422 You'll never be the man your mother was!
55424 You'll never see all the places, or read all the
55425 books, but fortunately, they're not all recommended.
55427 You'll wish that you had done some of the
55428 hard things when they were easier to do.
55430 Young men are fitter to invent than to judge; fitter for execution than for
55431 counsel; and fitter for new projects than for settled business. For the
55432 experience of age, in things that fall within the compass of it, directeth
55433 them; but in new things, abuseth them. The errors of young men are the ruin
55434 of business; but the errors of aged men amount but to this, that more might
55435 have been done, or sooner. Young men, in the conduct and management of
55436 actions, embrace more than they can hold; stir more than they can quiet; fly
55437 to the end, without consideration of the means and degrees; pursue some few
55438 principles which they have chanced upon absurdly; care not how they innovate,
55439 which draws unknown inconveniences; and, that which doubleth all errors, will
55440 not acknowledge or retract them; like an unready horse, that will neither stop
55441 nor turn. Men of age object too much, consult too long, adventure too little,
55442 repent too soon, and seldom drive business home to the full period, but
55443 content themselves with a mediocrity of success. Certainly, it is good to
55444 compound employments of both ... because the virtues of either age may correct
55445 the defects of both.
55446 -- Francis Bacon, "Essay on Youth and Age"
55448 Young men, hear an old man to whom
55449 old men hearkened when he was young.
55452 Young men think old men are fools;
55453 but old men know young men are fools.
55456 Your aim is high and to the right.
55458 Your aims are high, and you are capable of much.
55460 Your analyst has you mixed up with another patient.
55461 Don't believe a thing he tells you.
55463 Your best consolation is the hope that the things
55464 you failed to get weren't really worth having.
55466 Your boss climbed the corporate ladder, wrong by wrong.
55468 Your boss is a few sandwiches short of a picnic.
55470 Your boyfriend takes chocolate from strangers.
55472 Your business will assume vast proportions.
55474 Your business will go through a period of considerable expansion.
55476 Your code should be more efficient!
55478 Your computer account is overdrawn. Please reauthorize.
55480 Your computer account is overdrawn. Please see Big Brother.
55482 Your Co-worker Could Be a Space Alien, Say Experts
55483 ...Here's How You Can Tell
55484 Many Americans work side by side with space aliens who look human -- but you
55485 can spot these visitors by looking for certain tip-offs, say experts. They
55486 listed 10 signs to watch for:
55487 #3. Bizarre sense of humor. Space aliens who don't understand
55488 earthly humor may laugh during a company training film or tell
55489 jokes that no one understands, said Steiger.
55490 #6. Misuses everyday items. "A space alien may use correction
55491 fluid to paint its nails," said Steiger.
55492 #8. Secretive about personal life-style and home. "An alien won't
55493 discuss details or talk about what it does at night or on weekends."
55494 #10. Displays a change of mood or physical reaction when near certain
55495 high-tech hardware. "An alien may experience a mood change when
55496 a microwave oven is turned on," said Steiger.
55497 The experts pointed out that a co-worker would have to display most if not
55498 all of these traits before you can positively identify him as a space alien.
55499 -- National Enquirer, Michael Cassels, August, 1984.
55501 [I thought everybody laughed at company training films. Ed.]
55503 Your depth of comprehension may tend to make you lax in worldly ways.
55505 Your digestive system is your body's Fun House, whereby food goes on a long,
55506 dark, scary ride, taking all kinds of unexpected twists and turns, being
55507 attacked by vicious secretions along the way, and not knowing until the last
55508 minute whether it will be turned into a useful body part or ejected into the
55509 Dark Hole by Mister Sphincter. We Americans live in a nation where the
55510 medical-care system is second to none in the world, unless you count maybe
55511 25 or 30 little scuzzball countries like Scotland that we could vaporize in
55512 seconds if we felt like it.
55513 -- Dave Barry, "Stay Fit & Healthy Until You're Dead"
55515 Your domestic life may be harmonious.
55517 Your education begins where what is called your education is over.
55519 Your fault - core dumped
55521 Your files are now being encrypted and thrown into the bit bucket.
55524 Your fly might be open (but don't check it just now).
55529 AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18)
55530 You have nothing better to think about than what to wear and what
55531 type of champagne to take to the neighbors Halloween Party. Just take beer!
55532 Don't try to copy the "Joneses", pull them up to your level and remember, in
55533 California Hoalloween is redundant anyhow.
55535 PISCES (Feb. 19 - March 20)
55536 Focus on strengthening friendships this Fall. You find others are
55537 fascinated by your intelligence, your wit, your drinking ability, and your
55538 bank account. Just make sure you realize it's far more impressive when
55539 other discover your good qualities without your help.
55544 ARIES (March 21 - April 19)
55545 Matters are not good, where you health is concerned. This Fall, be
55546 sure to "walk groundly, talk profoundly, drink roundly, and sleep soundly"
55547 and you will live all the days of your life.
55549 TAURUS (April 20 - May 20)
55550 You spent a fortune on beer this past summer and now find yourself
55551 in a deep depression because you can't afford even one of your favorite
55552 brewskis. Don't fret too much, Taurus. To get back on your feet simply
55553 miss two car payments.
55555 GEMINI (May 21 - June 21)
55556 You think you're falling in love with a person who has a lot in
55557 common with yourself. You both prefer ales, you've both tried your hand
55558 at homebrewing, and you both want to visit every new brewpub that opens.
55559 Sounds impressive but remember you really don't know your partner until
55565 CANCER (Jun 22 - July 22)
55566 You've been awarded a clean bill of health this month and you feel
55567 you owe it all to the excessive amount of Vitamin B, Iron, and Malt you get
55568 in your beer. Being healthy is admirable but don't you think you're going
55569 to feel stupid one day lying in a hospital dying of nothing?
55571 LEO (July 23 - August 22)
55572 You will soon acquire a large sum of money and will be in seventh
55573 heaven as you head to the nearest Liquor Barn and buy all the beer they have
55574 in stock. Whoever said money couldn't buy happiness didn't know where to
55577 VIRGO (August 23 - September 22)
55578 Your late night, beer drinking, "life in the fast lane" parties are
55579 affecting your job production the next morning. You feel a nine to five job
55580 is not for a "party animal" such as yourself and may feel the need for a
55581 career change. Just remember, people who work sitting down get paid more
55582 than people who work standing up.
55584 Your friends will know you better in the first minute you
55585 meet than your acquaintances will know you in a thousand years.
55586 -- Richard Bach, "Illusions"
55588 Your goose is cooked.
55589 (Your current chick is burned up too!)
55591 Your happiness is intertwined with your outlook on life.
55593 Your heart is pure, and your mind clear, and your soul devout.
55595 Your ignorance cramps my conversation.
55597 Your life would be very empty if you had nothing to regret.
55599 Your love life will be happy and harmonious.
55601 Your love life will be... interesting.
55603 Your lover will never wish to leave you.
55605 Your lucky color has faded.
55607 Your lucky number has been disconnected.
55609 Your lucky number is 3552664958674928.
55610 Watch for it everywhere.
55612 Your manuscript is both good and original, but the part that is good is not
55613 original and the part that is original is not good.
55616 Your mind is the part of you that says,
55617 "Why'n'tcha eat that piece of cake?"
55618 ... and then, twenty minutes later, says,
55619 "Y'know, if I were you, I wouldn't have done that!"
55620 -- Steven and Ondrea Levine
55622 Your mind understands what you have been
55623 taught; your heart, what is true.
55625 Your mode of life will be changed for
55626 the better because of good news soon.
55628 Your mode of life will be changed for
55629 the better because of new developments.
55631 Your mode of life will be changed to ASCII.
55633 Your mode of life will be changed to EBCDIC.
55635 Your mothers ghost stands at your shoulder
55636 Face like ice, a little bit colder
55637 She says "You can't do that it breaks all the rules
55638 You learned in school"
55639 But I don't really see
55640 Why can't we go on as three?
55641 -- David Crosby, "Triad"
55643 Your motives for doing whatever good deed you
55644 may have in mind will be misinterpreted by somebody.
55646 Your nature demands love and your happiness depends on it.
55648 Your object is to save the world,
55649 while still leading a pleasant life.
55651 Your only obligation in any lifetime is to be true to yourself. Being
55652 true to anyone else or anything else is not only impossible, but the
55653 mark of a fake messiah. The simplest questions are the most profound.
55654 Where were you born? Where is your home? Where are you going? What
55655 are you doing? Think about these once in awhile and watch your answers
55657 -- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul
55659 Your own qualities will help prevent your advancement in the world.
55661 Your password is pitifully obvious.
55663 Your picture of the world often changes just before you get it into focus.
55665 Your present plans will be successful.
55667 Your program is sick! Shoot it and put it out of its memory.
55669 Your reasoning powers are good, and you are a fairly good planner.
55671 Your responsibility as a parent is not as great as you might imagine. You
55672 need not supply the world with the next conqueror of disease or major motion
55673 picture star. If your child simply grows up to be someone who does not use
55674 the word "collectible" as a noun, you can consider yourself an unqualified
55676 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"
55678 Your sister swims out to meet troop ships.
55680 Your society will be sought by people of taste and refinement.
55682 Your step will soil many countries.
55684 Your supervisor is thinking about you.
55686 Your talents will be recognized and suitably rewarded.
55688 Your temporary financial embarrassment will
55689 be relieved in a surprising manner.
55691 Your true value depends entirely on what you are compared with.
55693 Your wig steers the gig.
55696 Your wise men don't know how it feels
55697 To be thick as a brick.
55698 -- Jethro Tull, "Thick As A Brick"
55700 Your worship is your furnaces
55701 which, like old idols, lost obscenes,
55702 have molten bowels; your vision is
55703 machines for making more machines.
55704 -- Gordon Bottomley, 1874
55706 You're a card which will have to be dealt with.
55708 You're a good example of why some animals eat their young.
55709 -- Jim Samuels to a heckler
55711 Ah, yes. I remember my first beer.
55712 -- Steve Martin to a heckler
55714 When your IQ rises to 28, sell.
55715 -- Professor Irwin Corey to a heckler
55717 You're all clear now, kid.
55718 Now blow this thing so we can all go home.
55721 You're almost as happy as you think you are.
55723 You're already carrying the sphere!
55725 You're always thinking you're gonna be
55726 the one that makes 'em act different.
55727 -- Woody Allen, "Manhattan"
55729 You're at the end of the road again.
55731 You're at Witt's End.
55733 You're being followed. Cut out the hanky-panky for a few days.
55735 You're currently going through a difficult transition period called "Life."
55737 You're definitely on their list.
55738 The question to ask next is what list it is.
55740 You're either part of the solution or part of the problem.
55741 -- Eldridge Cleaver
55743 You're growing out of some of your problems,
55744 but there are others that you're growing into.
55746 "You're just the sort of person I imagined marrying, when I was little...
55747 except, y'know, not green... and without all the patches of fungus."
55750 You're never too old to become younger.
55753 You're not Dave. Who are you?
55755 You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
55758 You're reasoning is excellent -- it's
55759 only your basic assumptions that are wrong.
55761 You're ugly and your mother dresses you funny.
55763 You're using a keyboard! How quaint!
55765 You're working under a slight handicap.
55766 You happen to be human.
55768 Yours is not to reason why,
55770 And when you find you have to throw
55772 Remember life as was it is,
55774 Chasing sounds across the galaxy
55775 'Till silence is but a blur.
55778 Youth. It's a wonder that anyone ever outgrows it.
55780 Youth -- not a time of life but a state of mind... a predominance of
55781 courage over timidity, of the appetite for adventure over the love of ease.
55782 -- Robert F. Kennedy
55784 Youth had been a habit of hers so long that she could not part with it.
55786 Youth is a blunder, manhood a struggle, old age a regret.
55787 -- Benjamin Disraeli, "Coningsby"
55789 Youth is a disease from which we all recover.
55790 -- Dorothy Fuldheim
55792 Youth is such a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children.
55793 -- George Bernard Shaw
55795 Youth is the trustee of posterity.
55797 Youth is when you blame all your troubles on your parents; maturity is
55798 when you learn that everything is the fault of the younger generation.
55800 You've always made the mistake of being yourself.
55803 You've been Berkeley'ed!
55805 You've been leading a dog's life. Stay off the furniture.
55807 You've been telling me to relax all the way here,
55808 and now you're telling me just to be myself?
55809 -- The Return of the Secaucus Seven
55811 You've got to pity New Mexico... so far from heaven and so close to Texas.
55813 "Yow! Am I having fun yet?"
55814 -- Zippy the Pinhead
55816 "Yow! Am I in Milwaukee?"
55817 -- Zippy the Pinhead
55819 "Yow! And then we could sit on the hoods of cars at stop lights!"
55820 -- Zippy the Pinhead
55822 "Yow! Did something bad happen or am I in a drive-in movie?"
55823 -- Zippy the Pinhead
55825 "Yow! Is this sexual intercourse yet? Is it, huh, is it?"
55826 -- Zippy the Pinhead
55828 "Yow!! Those people look exactly like Donnie and Marie Osmond!!"
55829 -- Zippy the Pinhead
55831 "Yow! Now I get to think about all the BAD THINGS I did
55832 to a BOWLING BALL when I was in JUNIOR HIGH SCHOOL!"
55833 -- Zippy the Pinhead
55836 Something that is occasionally up but normally down.
55837 (see also Computer).
55840 1: Any time you get a mouthful of hot soup, the next thing you do
55842 2: How long a minute is, depends on which side of the bathroom
55846 Quality seen in new graduates -- if you're quick.
55849 The result of shutting down a production line.
55851 Zero Mostel: That's it baby! When you got it, flaunt it! Flaunt it!
55852 -- Mel Brooks, "The Producers"
55854 Zeus gave Leda the bird.
55857 If you're asked to join a parade, don't march behind the elephants.
55859 Zounds! I was never so bethumped with words
55860 since I first called my brother's father dad.
55861 -- William Shakespeare, "Kind John"
55863 Zymurgy's Law of Volunteer Labor:
55864 People are always available for work in the past tense.