1 This fortune brought to you by:
2 The DragonFly BSD Project
4 =======================================================================
6 || The FORTUNE-COOKIE program is soon to be a Major Motion Picture! ||
7 || Watch for it at a theater near you next summer! ||
9 =======================================================================
10 Francis Ford Coppola presents a George Lucas Production:
12 Directed by Steven Spielberg.
13 Starring Harrison Ford Bette Midler Marlon Brando
14 Christopher Reeves Marilyn Chambers
15 and Bob Hope as "The Waiter".
16 Costumes Designed by Pierre Cardin.
17 Special Effects by Timothy Leary.
18 Read the Warner paperback!
19 Invoke the Unix program!
20 Soundtrack on XTC Records.
21 In 70mm and Dolby Stereo at selected theaters and terminal
25 Philadelphia, Pa. 19369
27 Your name has been submitted to us with your photo. I regret to
28 inform you that we will be unable to use your body in our centerfold. On
29 a scale of one to ten, your body was rated a minus two by a panel of women
30 ranging in age from 60 to 75 years. We tried to assemble a panel in the
31 age bracket of 25 to 35 years, but we could not get them to stop laughing
32 long enough to reach a decision. Should the taste of the American woman
33 ever change so drastically that bodies such as yours would be appropriate
34 in our magazine, you will be notified by this office. Please, don't call
39 p.s. We also want to commend you for your unusual pose. Were you
40 wounded in the war, or do you ride your bike a lot?
53 _____.,-#%&$@%#&#~,._____
70 you're splitting my ends.
74 Title: Are Frogs Turing Compatible?
75 Speaker: Don "The Lion" Knuth
78 Several researchers at the University of Louisiana have been studying
79 the computing power of various amphibians, frogs in particular. The problem
80 of frog computability has become a critical issue that ranges across all areas
81 of computer science. It has been shown that anything computable by an amphi-
82 bian community in a fixed-size pond is computable by a frog in the same-size
83 pond -- that is to say, frogs are Pond-space complete. We will show that
84 there is a log-space, polywog-time reduction from any Turing machine program
85 to a frog. We will suggest these represent a proper subset of frog-computable
87 This is not just a let's-see-how-far-those-frogs-can-jump seminar.
88 This is only for hardcore amphibian-computation people and their colleagues.
89 Refreshments will be served. Music will be played.
93 For those of you in the reseller business, here is a helpful tip that will
94 save your support staff a few hours of precious time. Before you send your
95 next machine out to an untrained client, change the permissions on /etc/passwd
96 to 666 and make sure there is a copy somewhere on the disk. Now when they
97 forget the root password, you can easily login as an ordinary user and correct
98 the damage. Having a bootable tape (for larger machines) is not a bad idea
99 either. If you need some help, give us a call.
101 -- CommUNIXque 1:1, ASCAR Business Systems
104 _--~~~#####// ' ` \\#####~~~--_
105 -~##########// ( ) \\##########~-_
106 -############// |\^^/| \\############-
107 _~############// (O||O) \\############~_
108 ~#############(( \\// ))#############~
109 -###############\\ (oo) //###############-
110 -#################\\ / `' \ //#################-
111 -###################\\/ () \//###################-
112 _#/|##########/\######( (()) )######/\##########|\#_
113 |/ |#/\#/\#/\/ \#/\##| \()/ |##/\#/ \/\#/\#/\#| \|
114 ` |/ V V ` V )|| |()| ||( V ' V /\ \| '
115 ` ` ` ` / | |()| | \ ' '<||> '
117 __\ |__|()|__| /__\______/|/
118 (vvv(vvvv)(vvvv)vvv)______|/
120 -- Gifts for Children --
122 This is easy. You never have to figure out what to get for children,
123 because they will tell you exactly what they want. They spend months
124 and months researching these kinds of things by watching Saturday-
125 morning cartoon-show advertisements. Make sure you get your children
126 exactly what they ask for, even if you disapprove of their choices. If
127 your child thinks he wants Murderous Bob, the Doll with the Face You
128 Can Rip Right Off, you'd better get it. You may be worried that it
129 might help to encourage your child's antisocial tendencies, but believe
130 me, you have not seen antisocial tendencies until you've seen a child
131 who is convinced that he or she did not get the right gift.
132 -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
136 Men are amused by almost any idiot thing -- that is why professional
137 ice hockey is so popular -- so buying gifts for them is easy. But you
138 should never buy them clothes. Men believe they already have all the
139 clothes they will ever need, and new ones make them nervous. For
140 example, your average man has 84 ties, but he wears, at most, only
141 three of them. He has learned, through humiliating trial and error,
142 that if he wears any of the other 81 ties, his wife will probably laugh
143 at him ("You're not going to wear THAT tie with that suit, are you?").
144 So he has narrowed it down to three safe ties, and has gone several
145 years without being laughed at. If you give him a new tie, he will
146 pretend to like it, but deep inside he will hate you.
148 If you want to give a man something practical, consider tires. More
149 than once, I would have gladly traded all the gifts I got for a new set
151 -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
154 Russian tanks steamrolling through New Jersey!!!! Details at eleven!
158 Das machine is nicht fur gefingerpoken und mittengrabben. Ist easy
159 schnappen der springenwerk, blowenfusen und corkenpoppen mit
160 spitzensparken. Ist nicht fur gewerken by das dummkopfen. Das
161 rubbernecken sightseeren keepen hands in das pockets. Relaxen und
162 vatch das blinkenlights!!!
168 In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot
169 of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.
170 -- Douglas Adams, "The Restaurant at the End of the Universe"
174 Don't some of these fortunes just drive you nuts?! Wouldn't you like
175 to see some of them deleted from the system? You can! Just mail to
176 "fortune" with the fortune you hate most, and we MIGHT make sure it
181 The Gurus of Unix Meeting of Minds (GUMM) takes place Wednesday, April
182 1, 2076 (check THAT in your perpetual calendar program), 14 feet above
183 the ground directly in front of the Milpitas Gumps. Members will grep
184 each other by the hand (after intro), yacc a lot, smoke filtered
185 chroots in pipes, chown with forks, use the wc (unless uuclean), fseek
186 nice zombie processes, strip, and sleep, but not, we hope, od. Three
187 days will be devoted to discussion of the ramifications of whodo. Two
188 seconds have been allotted for a complete rundown of all the user-
189 friendly features of Unix. Seminars include "Everything You Know is
190 Wrong", led by Tom Kempson, "Batman or Cat:man?" led by Richie Dennis
191 "cc C? Si! Si!" led by Kerwin Bernighan, and "Document Unix, Are You
192 Kidding?" led by Jan Yeats. No Reader Service No. is necessary because
193 all GUGUs (Gurus of Unix Group of Users) already know everything we
195 -- Dr. Dobb's Journal, June '84
197 It's grad exam time...
199 Inside your desk you'll find a listing of the DEC/VMS operating
200 system in IBM 1710 machine code. Show what changes are necessary to convert
201 this code into a UNIX Berkeley 7 operating system. Prove that these fixes are
202 bug free and run correctly. You should gain at least 150% efficiency in the
203 new system. (You should take no more than 10 minutes on this question.)
206 If X equals PI times R^2, construct a formula showing how long
207 it would take a fire ant to drill a hole through a dill pickle, if the
208 length-girth ratio of the ant to the pickle were 98.17:1.
211 Describe the Universe. Give three examples.
213 It's grad exam time...
215 You have been provided with a razor blade, a piece of gauze, and a
216 bottle of Scotch. Remove your appendix. Do not suture until your work has
217 been inspected. (You have 15 minutes.)
220 Describe the history of the papacy from its origins to the present
221 day, concentrating especially, but not exclusively, on its social, political,
222 economic, religious and philosophical impact upon Europe, Asia, America, and
223 Africa. Be brief, concise, and specific.
226 Create life. Estimate the differences in subsequent human culture
227 if this form of life had been created 500 million years ago or earlier, with
228 special attention to its probable effect on the English parliamentary system.
230 Pittsburgh driver's test
232 a) extremely dangerous.
234 c) the fault of the previous administration.
235 d) all going to be fixed next summer.
236 The correct answer is b.
237 Potholes destroy unpatriotic, unamerican, imported cars, since the holes
238 are larger than the cars. If you drive a big, patriotic, American car
239 you have nothing to worry about.
241 Pittsburgh driver's test
242 2: A traffic light at an intersection changes from yellow to red, you should
244 b) proceed slowly through the intersection.
247 The correct answer is d.
248 If you said c, you were almost right, so give yourself a half point.
250 Pittsburgh driver's test
251 3: When stopped at an intersection you should
252 a) watch the traffic light for your lane.
253 b) watch for pedestrians crossing the street.
255 d) watch the traffic light for the intersecting street.
256 The correct answer is d.
257 You need to start as soon as the traffic light for the intersecting
259 Answer c is worth a half point.
261 Pittsburgh driver's test
267 The correct answer is b.
268 The meddling Washington eco-freak communist bureaucrats who say otherwise
269 are liars. (Message to those who answered d. Go back to California where
270 you came from. Your kind are not welcome here.)
272 Pittsburgh driver's test
273 5: Your car's horn is a vital piece of safety equipment.
274 How often should you test it?
279 The correct answer is d.
280 You should test your car's horn at least once every hour,
281 and more often at night or in residential neighborhoods.
283 Pittsburgh Driver's Test
285 (7) The car directly in front of you has a flashing right tail light
286 but a steady left tail light. This means
288 (a) one of the tail lights is broken; you should blow your horn
289 to call the problem to the driver's attention.
290 (b) the driver is signaling a right turn.
291 (c) the driver is signaling a left turn.
292 (d) the driver is from out of town.
294 The correct answer is (d). Tail lights are used in some foreign
295 countries to signal turns.
297 Pittsburgh driver's test
298 7: The car directly in front of you has a flashing right tail light
299 but a steady left tail light.
300 a) One of the tail lights is broken. You should blow your
301 horn to call the problem to the driver's attention.
302 b) The driver is signaling a right turn.
303 c) The driver is signaling a left turn.
304 d) The driver is from out of town.
305 The correct answer is d.
306 Tail lights are used in some foreign countries to signal turns.
308 Pittsburgh Driver's Test
315 (d) difficult to clean off the front grille.
317 The correct answer is (a). Pedestrians are not in cars, so they are
318 totally irrelevant to driving; you should ignore them completely.
320 Pittsburgh driver's test
325 d) difficult to clean off the front grille.
326 The correct answer is a. Pedestrians are not in cars, so they
327 are totally irrelevant to driving, and you should ignore them
330 Pittsburgh driver's test
331 9: Roads are salted in order to
336 The correct answer is c.
337 Road salting employs thousands of persons directly, and millions more
338 indirectly, for example, salt miners and rustproofers. Most important,
339 salting reduces the life spans of cars, thus stimulating the car and
355 _--~~~#####// \\#####~~~--_
356 _-~##########// ( ) \\##########~-_
357 -############// :\^^/: \\############-
358 _~############// (@::@) \\############~_
359 ~#############(( \\// ))#############~
360 -###############\\ (^^) //###############-
361 -#################\\ / "" \ //#################-
362 -###################\\/ \//###################-
363 _#/:##########/\######( /\ )######/\##########:\#_
364 :/ :#/\#/\#/\/ \#/\##\ : : /##/\#/ \/\#/\#/\#: \:
365 " :/ V V " V \#\: : : :/#/ V " V V \: "
366 " " " " \ : : : : / " " " "
368 Has your family tried 'em?
372 Heavens, they're tasty and expeditious!
374 They're made from whole wheat, to give shy persons the
375 strength to get up and do what needs to be done.
379 Buy them ready-made in the big blue box with the picture of the
380 biscuit on the front, or in the brown bag with the dark stains
381 that indicate freshness.
383 THE STORY OF CREATION
387 In the beginning there was data. The data was without form and null,
388 and darkness was upon the face of the console; and the Spirit of IBM
389 was moving over the face of the market. And DEC said, "Let there be
390 registers"; and there were registers. And DEC saw that they carried;
391 and DEC separated the data from the instructions. DEC called the data
392 Stack, and the instructions they called Code. And there was evening
393 and there was morning, one interrupt ...
396 A Severe Strain on the Credulity
398 As a method of sending a missile to the higher, and even to the highest
399 parts of the earth's atmospheric envelope, Professor Goddard's rocket
400 is a practicable and therefore promising device. It is when one
401 considers the multiple-charge rocket as a traveler to the moon that one
402 begins to doubt ... for after the rocket quits our air and really
403 starts on its journey, its flight would be neither accelerated nor
404 maintained by the explosion of the charges it then might have left.
405 Professor Goddard, with his "chair" in Clark College and countenancing
406 of the Smithsonian Institution, does not know the relation of action to
407 re-action, and of the need to have something better than a vacuum
408 against which to react ... Of course he only seems to lack the
409 knowledge ladled out daily in high schools.
410 -- New York Times Editorial, 1920
414 If all the salmon caught in Canada in one year were laid end to end
415 across the Sahara Desert, the smell would be absolutely awful.
419 There is so much sand in Northern Africa that if it were spread out it
420 would completely cover the Sahara Desert.
422 Another Glitch in the Call
423 ------- ------ -- --- ----
424 (Sung to the tune of the classic Pink Floyd song.)
426 We don't need no indirection
427 We don't need no flow control
428 No data typing or declarations
429 Did you leave the lists alone?
431 Hey! Hacker! Leave those lists alone!
434 All in all, it's just a pure-LISP function call.
435 All in all, it's just a pure-LISP function call.
437 Answers to Last Fortune's Questions:
439 (1) None. (Moses didn't have an ark).
440 (2) Your mother, by the pigeonhole principle.
443 (5) 6 (or maybe 4, or else 3). Mr. Alfred J. Duncan of Podunk,
444 Montana, submitted an interesting solution to Problem 5.
445 (6) There is an interesting solution to this problem on page 1029 of my
446 book, which you can pick up for $23.95 at finer bookstores and
447 bathroom supply outlets (or 99 cents at the table in front of
450 Answers to Last Fortunes' Questions:
451 1) None. (Moses didn't have an ark).
452 2) Your mother, by the pigeonhole principle.
453 3) You don't know. Neither does your boss.
455 5) 6 (or maybe 4, or else 3). Mr. Alfred J. Duncan of Podunk, Montana,
456 submitted an interesting solution to Problem 5. Unfortunately, I lost it.
457 6) I know the answer to this one, but I'm not telling! Suffer! Ha-ha-ha!!
458 7) There is an interesting solution to this problem on page 10,953 of my
459 book, which you can pick up for $23.95 at finer bookstores and bathroom
460 supply outlets (or 99 cents at the table in front of Papyrus Books).
464 Go placidly amid the noise and waste,
465 And remember what comfort there may be in owning a piece thereof.
466 Avoid quiet and passive persons, unless you are in need of sleep.
468 Speak glowingly of those greater than yourself,
469 And heed well their advice -- even though they be turkeys.
470 Know what to kiss -- and when.
471 Remember that two wrongs never make a right,
473 Wherever possible, put people on "HOLD".
474 Be comforted, that in the face of all aridity and disillusionment,
475 And despite the changing fortunes of time,
476 There is always a big future in computer maintenance.
478 You are a fluke of the universe ...
479 You have no right to be here.
480 Whether you can hear it or not, the universe
481 Is laughing behind your back.
485 (Sung to the tune of "Rubber Duckie")
487 Double bucky, you're the one!
488 You make my keyboard lots of fun
489 Double bucky, an additional bit or two:
491 Control and Meta side by side,
492 Augmented ASCII, nine bits wide!
493 Double bucky, a half a thousand glyphs, plus a few!
495 Double bucky, left and right
496 OR'd together, outta sight!
497 Double bucky, I'd like a whole word of
498 Double bucky, I'm happy I heard of
499 Double bucky, I'd like a whole word of you!
501 -- Guy L. Steele, Jr., (C) 1978
503 Gimmie That Old Time Religion
504 We will follow Zarathustra, We will worship like the Druids,
505 Zarathustra like we use to, Dancing naked in the woods,
506 I'm a Zarathustra booster, Drinking strange fermented fluids,
507 And he's good enough for me! And it's good enough for me!
510 In the church of Aphrodite,
511 The priestess wears a see-through nightie,
512 She's a mighty righteous sightie,
513 And she's good enough for me!
516 CHORUS: Give me that old time religion,
517 Give me that old time religion,
518 Give me that old time religion,
519 'Cause it's good enough for me!
521 Hard Copies and Chmod
523 And everyone thinks computers are impersonal
524 cold diskdrives hardware monitors
525 user-hostile software
527 of course they're only bits and bytes
528 and characters and strings
531 just some old textfiles from my old boyfriend
532 telling me he loves me and
533 he'll take care of me
535 simply a discarded printout of a friend's directory
536 deep intimate secrets and
537 how he doesn't trust me
539 couldn't hurt me more if they were scented in lavender or mould
540 on personal stationery
541 -- terri@csd4.milw.wisc.edu
544 The Beverly Hills Freudians tied the Chicago Rogerians 0-0 last
545 Saturday night. The match started with a long period of silence while
546 the Freudians waited for the Rogerians to free associate and the
547 Rogerians waited for the Freudians to say something they could
548 paraphrase. The stalemate was broken when the Freudians' best player
549 took the offensive and interpreted the Rogerians' silence as reflecting
550 their anal-retentive personalities. At this the Rogerians' star player
551 said "I hear you saying you think we're full of ka-ka." This started a
552 fight and the match was called by officials.
554 `O' LEVEL COUNTER CULTURE
555 Timewarp allowed: 3 hours. Do not scrawl situationalist graffiti in the
556 margins or stub your rollups in the inkwells. Orange may be worn. Credit
557 will be given to candidates who self-actualize.
559 1: Compare and contrast Pink Floyd with Black Sabbath and say why
560 neither has street credibility.
561 2: "Even Buddha would have been hard pushed to reach Nirvana squatting
562 on a juggernaut route." Consider the dialectic of inner truth and inner
564 3: Discuss degree of hassle involved in paranoia about being sucked
566 4: "The Egomaniac's Liberation Front were a bunch of revisionist
567 ripoff merchants." Comment on this insult.
568 5: Account for the lack of references to brown rice in Dylan's lyrics.
569 6: "Castenada was a bit of a bozo." How far is this a fair summing
570 up of western dualism?
571 7: Hermann Hesse was a Pisces. Discuss.
574 Twas FORTRAN as the doloop goes
575 Did logzerneg the ifthen block
576 All kludgy were the function flows
577 And subroutines adhoc.
579 Beware the runtime-bug my friend
580 squrooneg, the false goto
581 Beware the infiniteloop
582 And shun the inprectoo.
584 Safety Tips for the Post-Nuclear Existence
585 Tip #1: How to tell when you are dead.
587 (1) Little things start bothering you: little things like worms, bugs,
589 (2) Something is missing in your personal relationships.
590 (3) Your dog becomes overly affectionate.
591 (4) You have a hard time getting a waiter.
592 (5) Exotic birds flock around you.
593 (6) People ignore you at parties.
594 (7) You have a hard time getting up in the morning.
595 (8) You no longer get off on cocaine.
597 Safety Tips for the Post-Nuclear Existence
598 (1) Never use an elevator in a building that has been hit by a nuclear
599 bomb; use the stairs.
600 (2) When you're flying through the air, remember to roll when you hit
602 (3) If you're on fire, avoid gasoline and other flammable materials.
603 (4) Don't attempt communication with dead people; it will only lead to
604 psychological problems.
605 (5) Food will be scarce; you will have to scavenge. Learn to
606 recognize foods that will be available after the bomb: mashed
607 potatoes, shredded wheat, tossed salad, ground beef, etc.
608 (6) Put your hand over your mouth when you sneeze; internal organs
609 will be scarce in the post-nuclear age.
610 (7) Try to be neat; fall only in designated piles.
611 (8) Drive carefully in "Heavy Fallout" areas; people could be
612 staggering illegally.
613 (9) Nutritionally, hundred dollar bills are equal to ones, but more
614 sanitary due to limited circulation.
615 (10) Accumulate mannequins now; spare parts will be in short supply on
618 The Guy on the Right Doesn't Stand a Chance
619 The guy on the right has the Osborne 1, a fully functional computer system
620 in a portable package the size of a briefcase. The guy on the left has an
621 Uzi submachine gun concealed in his attache case. Also in the case are four
622 fully loaded, 32-round clips of 125-grain 9mm ammunition. The owner of the
623 Uzi is going to get more tactical firepower delivered -- and delivered on
624 target -- in less time, and with less effort. All for $795. It's inevitable.
625 If you're going up against some guy with an Osborne 1 -- or any personal
626 computer -- he's the one who's in trouble. One round from an Uzi can zip
627 through ten inches of solid pine wood, so you can imagine what it will do
628 to structural foam acrylic and sheet aluminum. In fact, detachable magazines
629 for the Uzi are available in 25-, 32-, and 40-round capacities, so you can
630 take out an entire office full of Apple II or IBM Personal Computers tied
631 into Ethernet or other local-area networks. What about the new 16-bit
632 computers, like the Lisa and Fortune? Even with the Winchester backup,
633 they're no match for the Uzi. One quick burst and they'll find out what
634 Unix means. Make your commanding officer proud. Get an Uzi -- and come home
635 a winner in the fight for office automatic weapons.
636 -- "InfoWorld", June, 1984
639 Gimme Twinkies, gimme wine,
640 Gimme jeans by Calvin Klein...
641 But if you split those atoms fine,
642 Mama keep 'em off those genes of mine!
643 Gimme zits, take my dough,
644 Gimme arsenic in my jelly roll...
645 Call the devil and sell my soul,
646 But Mama keep dem atoms whole!
649 The Three Major Kind of Tools
651 * Tools for hitting things to make them loose or to tighten them up or
652 jar their many complex, sophisticated electrical parts in such a
653 manner that they function perfectly. (These are your hammers, maces,
654 bludgeons, and truncheons.)
656 * Tools that, if dropped properly, can penetrate your foot. (Awls)
658 * Tools that nobody should ever use because the potential danger is far
659 greater than the value of any project that could possibly result.
660 (Power saws, power drills, power staplers, any kind of tool that uses
661 any kind of power more advanced than flashlight batteries.)
662 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
664 (to "The Caissons Go Rolling Along")
665 Scratch the disks, dump the core, Shut it down, pull the plug
666 Roll the tapes across the floor, Give the core an extra tug
667 And the system is going to crash. And the system is going to crash.
668 Teletypes smashed to bits. Mem'ry cards, one and all,
669 Give the scopes some nasty hits Toss out halfway down the hall
670 And the system is going to crash. And the system is going to crash.
671 And we've also found Just flip one switch
672 When you turn the power down, And the lights will cease to twitch
673 You turn the disk readers into trash. And the tape drives will crumble
675 Oh, it's so much fun, When the CPU
676 Now the CPU won't run Can print nothing out but "foo,"
677 And the system is going to crash. The system is going to crash.
679 'Twas the Night before Crisis
681 'Twas the night before crisis, and all through the house,
682 Not a program was working not even a browse.
683 The programmers were wrung out too mindless to care,
684 Knowing chances of cutover hadn't a prayer.
685 The users were nestled all snug in their beds,
686 While visions of inquiries danced in their heads.
687 When out in the lobby there arose such a clatter,
688 I sprang from my tube to see what was the matter.
689 And what to my wondering eyes should appear,
690 But a Super Programmer, oblivious to fear.
691 More rapid than eagles, his programs they came,
692 And he whistled and shouted and called them by name;
693 On Update! On Add! On Inquiry! On Delete!
694 On Batch Jobs! On Closing! On Functions Complete!
695 His eyes were glazed over, his fingers were lean,
696 From Weekends and nights in front of a screen.
697 A wink of his eye, and a twist of his head,
698 Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread...
700 What I Did During My Fall Semester
701 On the first day of my fall semester, I got up.
702 Then I went to the library to find a thesis topic.
703 Then I hung out in front of the Dover.
705 On the second day of my fall semester, I got up.
706 Then I went to the library to find a thesis topic.
707 Then I hung out in front of the Dover.
709 On the third day of my fall semester, I got up.
710 Then I went to the library to find a thesis topic.
711 I found a thesis topic:
712 How to keep people from hanging out in front of the Dover.
713 -- Sister Mary Elephant,
714 "Student Statement for Black Friday"
716 William Safire's Rules for Writers:
718 Remember to never split an infinitive. The passive voice should never
719 be used. Do not put statements in the negative form. Verbs have to
720 agree with their subjects. Proofread carefully to see if you words
721 out. If you reread your work, you can find on rereading a great deal
722 of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing. A writer must
723 not shift your point of view. And don't start a sentence with a
724 conjunction. (Remember, too, a preposition is a terrible word to end a
725 sentence with.) Don't overuse exclamation marks!! Place pronouns as
726 close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of 10 or more
727 words, to their antecedents. Writing carefully, dangling participles
728 must be avoided. If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a
729 linking verb is. Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing
730 metaphors. Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky. Everyone should
731 be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their
732 writing. Always pick on the correct idiom. The adverb always follows
733 the verb. Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague; seek
739 | z dz cos(3 * PI / 9) = ln (e )
743 The integral of z squared, dz
744 From 1 to the square root of 3
747 Is the log of the cube root of e
751 SUPERMAN SAVES DESSERT!
752 Plans to "Eat it later"
754 *** A NEW KIND OF PROGRAMMING ***
756 Do you want the instant respect that comes from being able to use technical
757 terms that nobody understands? Do you want to strike fear and loathing into
758 the hearts of DP managers everywhere? If so, then let the Famous Programmers'
759 School lead you on... into the world of professional computer programming.
760 They say a good programmer can write 20 lines of effective program per day.
761 With our unique training course, we'll show you how to write 20 lines of code
762 and lots more besides. Our training course covers every programming language
763 in existence, and some that aren't. You'll learn why the on/off switch for a
764 computer is so important, what the words *fatal error* mean, and who and what
765 you should blame when you make a mistake.
767 Yes, I want the brochure describing this incredible offer.
768 I enclose $1000 is small unmarked bills to cover the cost of
769 postage and handling. (No live poultry, please.)
771 *** Our Slogan: Top down programming for the masses. ***
773 A Plan for the Improvement of English Spelling
776 For example, in Year 1 that useless letter "c" would be dropped
777 to be replased either by "k" or "s", and likewise "x" would no longer
778 be part of the alphabet. The only kase in which "c" would be retained
779 would be the "ch" formation, which will be dealt with later. Year 2
780 might reform "w" spelling, so that "which" and "one" would take the
781 same konsonant, wile Year 3 might well abolish "y" replasing it with
782 "i" and Iear 4 might fiks the "g/j" anomali wonse and for all.
783 Jenerally, then, the improvement would kontinue iear bai iear
784 with Iear 5 doing awai with useless double konsonants, and Iears 6-12
785 or so modifaiing vowlz and the rimeining voist and unvoist konsonants.
786 Bai Iear 15 or sou, it wud fainali bi posibl tu meik ius ov thi
787 ridandant letez "c", "y" and "x" -- bai now jast a memori in the maindz
788 ov ould doderez -- tu riplais "ch", "sh", and "th" rispektivli.
789 Fainali, xen, aafte sam 20 iers ov orxogrefkl riform, wi wud
790 hev a lojikl, kohirnt speling in ius xrewawt xe Ingliy-spiking werld.
792 *** DO YOU HAVE A RESTLESS URGE TO PROGRAM? ***
793 Do you want the instant respect that comes from being able to use technical
794 terms that nobody understands? Do you want to strike fear and loathing into
795 the hearts of DP managers everywhere? If so, then let the Famous Programmers'
796 School lead you on... into the world of professional computer programming.
798 *** IS PROGRAMMING FOR YOU? ***
799 Programming is not for everyone. But, if you have the desire to learn, we can
800 help you get started. All you need is the Famous Programmers' Course and
801 enough money to keep those lessons coming month after month.
803 *** TAKE OUR FREE APTITUDE TEST ***
804 To help determine if you are qualified to be a programmer, take a moment to
805 try this simple test:
806 1: Write down the numbers from zero to nine and the first six letters
807 of the alphabet (Hint: 0123456789ABCDEF).
808 2: Whose picture is on the back of a twenty-dollar bill?
809 3: What is the state capital of Idaho?
810 If you managed to read all three questions without wondering why we asked
811 them, you may have a future as a computer programmer.
813 *** STUDENT SUCCESSES ***
815 Many of our students have gone on to achieve great success in all fields of
816 programming. One former student developed the concept of the personalized
817 form letter. Does the phrase, "Dear Mr.(insert name), You may already be a
818 winner!," sound familiar? Another student writes "After only five lessons I
819 sold a "My Most Unforgettable Program" article to Corrosive Computing magazine.
820 Another of our graduates writes, "I recently completed a database-management
821 program for my department manager. My program touched him so deeply that he
822 was speechless. He told me later that he had never seen such a program in
823 his entire career. Thank you, Famous Programmers' school; only you could
824 have made this possible." Send for our introductory brochure which explains
825 in vague detail the operation of the Famous Programmers' School, and you'll
826 be eligible to win a possible chance to enter a drawing, the winner of which
827 can vie for a set of free steak knives. If you don't do it now, you'll hate
828 yourself in the morning.
831 \a\a\a\a *** System shutdown message from root ***
833 System going down in 60 seconds
837 "... The name of the song is called 'Haddocks' Eyes'!"
838 "Oh, that's the name of the song, is it?" Alice said, trying to
840 "No, you don't understand," the Knight said, looking a little
841 vexed. "That's what the name is called. The name really is, 'The Aged
843 "Then I ought to have said "That's what the song is called'?"
844 Alice corrected herself.
845 "No, you oughtn't: that's quite another thing! The song is
846 called 'Ways and Means': but that's only what it is called you know!"
847 "Well, what is the song then?" said Alice, who was by this time
848 completely bewildered.
849 "I was coming to that," the Knight said. "The song really is
850 "A-sitting on a Gate": and the tune's my own invention."
851 -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass"
853 ... with liberty and justice for all who can afford it.
855 12 + 144 + 20 + 3(4) 2
856 ---------------------- + 5(11) = 9 + 0
859 A dozen, a gross and a score,
860 Plus three times the square root of four,
862 Plus five times eleven,
863 Equals nine squared plus zero, no more!
865 7,140 pounds on the Sun
866 97 pounds on Mercury or Mars
868 232 pounds on Venus or Uranus
869 43 pounds on the Moon
870 648 pounds on Jupiter
872 303 pounds on Neptune
875 -- How much Elvis Presley would weigh at various places
878 A boy scout troop went on a hike. Crossing over a stream, one of
879 the boys dropped his wallet into the water. Suddenly a carp jumped, grabbed
880 the wallet and tossed it to another carp. Then that carp passed it to
881 another carp, and all over the river carp appeared and tossed the wallet back
883 "Well, boys," said the Scout leader, "you've just seen a rare case
884 of carp-to-carp walleting."
886 A carpet installer decides to take a cigarette break after completing
887 the installation in the first of several rooms he has to do. Finding them
888 missing from his pocket he begins searching, only to notice a small lump in
889 his recently completed carpet-installation. Not wanting to pull up all that
890 work for a lousy pack of cigarettes he simply walks over and pounds the lump
891 flat. Foregoing the break, he continues on to the other rooms to be carpeted.
892 At the end of the day, while loading his tools into his truck, two
893 events occur almost simultaneously: he spies his pack of cigarettes on the
894 dashboard of the truck, and the lady of the house summons him imperiously:
895 "Have you seen my parakeet?"
897 A circus foreman was making the rounds inspecting the big top when
898 a scrawny little man entered the tent and walked up to him. "Are you the
899 foreman around here?" he asked timidly. "I'd like to join your circus; I
900 have what I think is a pretty good act."
901 The foreman nodded assent, whereupon the little man hurried over to
902 the main pole and rapidly climbed up to the very tip-top of the big top.
903 Drawing a deep breath, he hurled himself off into the air and began flapping
904 his arms furiously. Amazingly, rather than plummeting to his death the little
905 man began to fly all around the poles, lines, trapezes and other obstacles,
906 performing astounding feats of aerobatics which ended in a long power dive
907 from the top of the tent, pulling up into a gentle feet-first landing beside
908 the foreman, who had been nonchalantly watching the whole time.
909 "Well," puffed the little man. "What do you think?"
910 "That's all you do?" answered the foreman scornfully. "Bird
913 A crow perched himself on a telephone wire. He was going to make a
916 A disciple of another sect once came to Drescher as he was
917 eating his morning meal. "I would like to give you this personality
918 test", said the outsider, "because I want you to be happy."
919 Drescher took the paper that was offered him and put it into
920 the toaster -- "I wish the toaster to be happy too".
922 A doctor, an architect, and a computer scientist were arguing
923 about whose profession was the oldest. In the course of their
924 arguments, they got all the way back to the Garden of Eden, whereupon
925 the doctor said, "The medical profession is clearly the oldest, because
926 Eve was made from Adam's rib, as the story goes, and that was a simply
927 incredible surgical feat."
928 The architect did not agree. He said, "But if you look at the
929 Garden itself, in the beginning there was chaos and void, and out of
930 that, the Garden and the world were created. So God must have been an
932 The computer scientist, who had listened to all of this said,
933 "Yes, but where do you think the chaos came from?"
935 A farm in the country side had several turkeys, it was known as the
936 house of seven gobbles.
938 A farmer decides that his three sows should be bred, and contacts a
939 buddy down the road, who owns several boars. They agree on a stud fee, and
940 the farmer puts the sows in his pickup and takes them down the road to the
941 boars. He leaves them all day, and when he picks them up that night, asks
942 the man how he can tell if it "took" or not. The breeder replies that if,
943 the next morning, the sows were grazing on grass, they were pregnant, but if
944 they were rolling in the mud as usual, they probably weren't.
945 Comes the morn, the sows are rolling in the mud as usual, so the
946 farmer puts them in the truck and brings them back for a second full day of
947 frolic. This continues for a week, since each morning the sows are rolling
949 Around the sixth day, the farmer wakes up and tells his wife, "I
950 don't have the heart to look again. This is getting ridiculous. You check
951 today." With that, the wife peeks out the bedroom window and starts to laugh.
952 "What is it?" asks the farmer excitedly. "Are they grazing at last?"
953 "Nope." replies his wife. "Two of them are jumping up and down in
954 the back of your truck, and the other one is honking the horn!"
956 A father gave his teen-age daughter an untrained pedigreed pup for
957 her birthday. An hour later, when wandered through the house, he found her
958 looking at a puddle in the center of the kitchen. "My pup," she murmured
959 sadly, "runneth over."
961 A German, a Pole and a Czech left camp for a hike through the woods.
962 After being reported missing a day or two later, rangers found two bears,
963 one a male, one a female, looking suspiciously overstuffed. They killed
964 the female, autopsied her, and sure enough, found the German and the Pole.
965 "What do you think?" said the first ranger.
966 "The Czech is in the male," replied the second.
968 A group of soldiers being prepared for a practice landing on a tropical
969 island were warned of the one danger the island held, a poisonous snake that
970 could be readily identified by its alternating orange and black bands. They
971 were instructed, should they find one of these snakes, to grab the tail end of
972 the snake with one hand and slide the other hand up the body of the snake to
973 the snake's head. Then, forcefully, bend the thumb above the snake's head
974 downward to break the snake's spine. All went well for the landing, the
975 charge up the beach, and the move into the jungle. At one foxhole site, two
976 men were starting to dig and wondering what had happened to their partner.
977 Suddenly he staggered out of the underbrush, uniform in shreds, covered with
978 blood. He collapsed to the ground. His buddies were so shocked they could
979 only blurt out, "What happened?"
980 "I ran from the beachhead to the edge of the jungle, and, as I hit the
981 ground, I saw an orange and black striped snake right in front of me. I
982 grabbed its tail end with my left hand. I placed my right hand above my left
983 hand. I held firmly with my left hand and slid my right hand up the body of
984 the snake. When I reached the head of the snake I flicked my right thumb down
985 to break the snake's spine... did you ever goose a tiger?"
987 A guy returns from a long trip to Europe, having left his beloved
988 dog in his brother's care. The minute he's cleared customs, he calls up his
989 brother and inquires after his pet.
990 "Your dog's dead," replies his brother bluntly.
991 The guy is devastated. "You know how much that dog meant to me,"
992 he moaned into the phone. "Couldn't you at least have thought of a nicer way
993 of breaking the news? Couldn't you have said, `Well, you know, the dog got
994 outside one day, and was crossing the street, and a car was speeding around a
995 corner...' or something...? Why are you always so thoughtless?"
996 "Look, I'm sorry," said his brother, "I guess I just didn't think."
997 "Okay, okay, let's just put it behind us. How are you anyway?
999 His brother is silent a moment. "Uh," he stammers, "uh... Mom got
1002 A guy walks into a pub and asks: "Does anyone here own a Doberman?
1003 I feel really bad about this, but my Chihuahua just killed it."
1004 A man leaps to his feet and replies, "Yes, I do, but how can that
1005 be? I raised that dog from a pup to be a vicious killer."
1006 "Yes, well, that's all well and good," replied the first, "but my
1007 dog's stuck in its throat."
1009 A hard-luck actor who appeared in one colossal disaster after another
1010 finally got a break, a broken leg to be exact. Someone pointed out that it's
1011 the first time the poor fellow's been in the same cast for more than a week.
1013 A horse breeder has his young colts bottle-fed after they're three
1014 days old. He heard that a foal and his mummy are soon parted.
1016 A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked to add 2 and 2.
1017 The housewife replied, "Four!".
1018 The accountant said, "It's either 3 or 4. Let me run those figures
1019 through my spread sheet one more time."
1020 The lawyer pulled the drapes, dimmed the lights and asked in a
1021 hushed voice, "How much do you want it to be?"
1023 A lawyer named Strange was shopping for a tombstone. After he had
1024 made his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he
1025 would like on it. "Here lies an honest man and a lawyer," responded the
1027 "Sorry, but I can't do that," replied the stonecutter. "In this
1028 state, it's against the law to bury two people in the same grave. However,
1029 I could put `here lies an honest lawyer', if that would be okay."
1030 "But that won't let people know who it is" protested the lawyer.
1031 "Certainly will," retorted the stonecutter. "people will read it
1032 and exclaim, "That's Strange!"
1034 A little dog goes into a saloon in the Wild West, and beckons to
1035 the bartender. "Hey, bartender, gimmie a whiskey."
1036 The bartender ignores him.
1037 "Hey bartender, gimmie a whiskey."
1039 "HEY BARMAN!! GIMMIE A WHISKEY!!"
1040 The bartender takes out his six-shooter and shoots the dog in the
1041 leg, and the dog runs out the saloon, howling in pain.
1042 Three years later, the wee dog appears again, wearing boots,
1043 jeans, chaps, a Stetson, gun belt, and guns. He ambles slowly into the
1044 saloon, goes up to the bar, leans over it, and says to the bartender,
1045 "I'm here t'git the man that shot muh paw."
1047 A man enters a pet shop, seeking to purchase a parrot. He points
1048 to a fine colorful bird and asks how much it costs.
1049 When he is told it costs 70,000 zlotys, he whistles in amazement
1050 and asks why it is so much. "Well, the bird is fluent in Italian and
1051 French and can recite the periodic table." He points to another bird
1052 and is told that it costs 90,000 zlotys because it speaks French and
1053 German, can knit and can curse in Latin.
1054 Finally the customer asks about a drab gray bird. "Ah," he is
1055 told, "that one is 150,000."
1056 "Why, what can it do?" he asks.
1057 "Well," says the shopkeeper, "to tell you the truth, he doesn't
1058 do anything, but the other birds call him Mr. Secretary."
1059 -- being told in Poland, 1987
1061 A man from AI walked across the mountains to SAIL to see the Master,
1062 Knuth. When he arrived, the Master was nowhere to be found. "Where is the
1063 wise one named Knuth?" he asked a passing student.
1064 "Ah," said the student, "you have not heard. He has gone on a
1065 pilgrimage across the mountains to the temple of AI to seek out new
1067 Hearing this, the man was Enlightened.
1069 A man goes to a tailor to try on a new custom-made suit. The
1070 first thing he notices is that the arms are too long.
1071 "No problem," says the tailor. "Just bend them at the elbow
1072 and hold them out in front of you. See, now it's fine."
1073 "But the collar is up around my ears!"
1074 "It's nothing. Just hunch your back up a little ... no, a
1075 little more ... that's it."
1076 "But I'm stepping on my cuffs!" the man cries in desperation.
1077 "Nu, bend you knees a little to take up the slack. There you
1078 go. Look in the mirror -- the suit fits perfectly."
1079 So, twisted like a pretzel, the man lurches out onto the
1080 street. Reba and Florence see him go by.
1081 "Oh, look," says Reba, "that poor man!"
1082 "Yes," says Florence, "but what a beautiful suit."
1083 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
1085 A man met a beautiful young woman in a bar. They got along well,
1086 shared dinner, and had a marvelous evening. When he left her, he told her
1087 that he had really enjoyed their time together, and hoped to see her again,
1088 soon. Smiling yes, she gave him her phone number.
1089 The next day, he called her up and asked her to go dancing. She
1090 agreed. As they talked, he jokingly asked her what her favorite flower was.
1091 Realizing his intentions, she told him that he shouldn't bring her flowers
1092 -- if he wanted to bring her a gift, well, he should bring her a Swiss Army
1094 Surprised, and not a little intrigued, he spent a large part of the
1095 afternoon finding a particularly unusual one. Arriving at her apartment
1096 he immediately presented her with the knife. She ooohed and ahhhed over it
1097 for a minute, and then carefully placed it in a drawer, that the man couldn't
1098 help but see was full of Swiss Army knives.
1099 Surprised, he asked her why she had collected so many.
1100 "Well, I'm young and attractive now", blushed the woman, "but that
1101 won't always be true. And boy scouts will do anything for a Swiss Army knife!"
1103 A man pleaded innocent of any wrong doing when caught by the police
1104 during a raid at the home of a mobster, excusing himself by claiming that he
1105 was making a bolt for the door.
1107 A man sank into the psychiatrist's couch and said, "I have a
1108 terrible problem, Doctor. I have a son at Harvard and another son at
1109 Princeton; I've just gifted each of them with a new Ferrari; I've got
1110 homes in Beverly Hills, Palm Beach, and a co-op in New York; and I've
1111 got a thriving ranch in Venezuela. My wife is a gorgeous young actress
1112 who considers my two mistresses to be her best friends."
1113 The psychiatrist looked at the patient, confused. "Did I miss
1114 something? It sounds to me like you have no problems at all."
1115 "But, Doctor, I only make $175 a week."
1117 A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender,
1118 "Do you serve lawyers here?".
1119 "Sure do," replied the bartender.
1120 "Good," said the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for
1123 A man was reading The Canterbury Tales one Saturday morning, when his
1124 wife asked "What have you got there?" Replied he, "Just my cup and Chaucer."
1126 A man who keeps stealing mopeds is an obvious cycle-path.
1128 A manager asked a programmer how long it would take him to finish the
1129 program on which he was working. "I will be finished tomorrow," the programmer
1131 "I think you are being unrealistic," said the manager. "Truthfully,
1132 how long will it take?"
1133 The programmer thought for a moment. "I have some features that I wish
1134 to add. This will take at least two weeks," he finally said.
1135 "Even that is too much to expect," insisted the manager, "I will be
1136 satisfied if you simply tell me when the program is complete."
1137 The programmer agreed to this.
1138 Several years slated, the manager retired. On the way to his
1139 retirement lunch, he discovered the programmer asleep at his terminal.
1140 He had been programming all night.
1141 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
1143 A manager was about to be fired, but a programmer who worked for him
1144 invented a new program that became popular and sold well. As a result, the
1145 manager retained his job.
1146 The manager tried to give the programmer a bonus, but the programmer
1147 refused it, saying, "I wrote the program because I though it was an interesting
1148 concept, and thus I expect no reward."
1149 The manager, upon hearing this, remarked, "This programmer, though he
1150 holds a position of small esteem, understands well the proper duty of an
1151 employee. Lets promote him to the exalted position of management consultant!"
1152 But when told this, the programmer once more refused, saying, "I exist
1153 so that I can program. If I were promoted, I would do nothing but waste
1154 everyone's time. Can I go now? I have a program that I'm working on."
1155 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
1157 A manager went to his programmers and told them: "As regards to your
1158 work hours: you are going to have to come in at nine in the morning and leave
1159 at five in the afternoon." At this, all of them became angry and several
1160 resigned on the spot.
1161 So the manager said: "All right, in that case you may set your own
1162 working hours, as long as you finish your projects on schedule." The
1163 programmers, now satisfied, began to come in a noon and work to the wee
1164 hours of the morning.
1165 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
1167 A manager went to the master programmer and showed him the requirements
1168 document for a new application. The manager asked the master: "How long will
1169 it take to design this system if I assign five programmers to it?"
1170 "It will take one year," said the master promptly.
1171 "But we need this system immediately or even sooner! How long will it
1172 take it I assign ten programmers to it?"
1173 The master programmer frowned. "In that case, it will take two years."
1174 "And what if I assign a hundred programmers to it?"
1175 The master programmer shrugged. "Then the design will never be
1176 completed," he said.
1177 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
1179 A master programmer passed a novice programmer one day. The master
1180 noted the novice's preoccupation with a hand-held computer game. "Excuse me",
1181 he said, "may I examine it?"
1182 The novice bolted to attention and handed the device to the master.
1183 "I see that the device claims to have three levels of play: Easy, Medium,
1184 and Hard", said the master. "Yet every such device has another level of play,
1185 where the device seeks not to conquer the human, nor to be conquered by the
1187 "Pray, great master," implored the novice, "how does one find this
1188 mysterious setting?"
1189 The master dropped the device to the ground and crushed it under foot.
1190 And suddenly the novice was enlightened.
1191 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
1193 A master was explaining the nature of Tao to one of his
1194 novices. "The Tao is embodied in all software -- regardless of how
1195 insignificant," said the master.
1197 "Is Tao in a hand-held calculator?" asked the novice.
1199 "It is," came the reply.
1201 "Is the Tao in a video game?" continued the novice.
1203 "It is even in a video game," said the master.
1205 "And is the Tao in the DOS for a personal computer?"
1207 The master coughed and shifted his position slightly. "The
1208 lesson is over for today," he said.
1209 -- "The Tao of Programming"
1213 Aesop's fables and other traditional children's stories involve allegory
1214 far too subtle for the youth of today. Children need an updated message
1215 with contemporary circumstance and plot line, and short enough to suit
1216 today's minute attention span.
1218 The Troubled Aardvark
1220 Once upon a time, there was an aardvark whose only pleasure in life was
1221 driving from his suburban bungalow to his job at a large brokerage house
1222 in his brand new 4x4. He hated his manipulative boss, his conniving and
1223 unethical co-workers, his greedy wife, and his snivelling, spoiled
1224 children. One day, the aardvark reflected on the meaning of his life and
1225 his career and on the unchecked, catastrophic decline of his nation, its
1226 pathetic excuse for leadership, and the complete ineffectiveness of any
1227 personal effort he could make to change the status quo. Overcome by a
1228 wave of utter depression and self-doubt, he decided to take the only
1229 course of action that would bring him greater comfort and happiness: he
1230 drove to the mall and bought imported consumer electronics goods.
1232 MORAL OF THE STORY: Invest in foreign consumer electronics manufacturers.
1235 A musical reviewer admitted he always praised the first show of a
1236 new theatrical season. "Who am I to stone the first cast?"
1238 A musician of more ambition than talent composed an elegy at
1239 the death of composer Edward MacDowell. She played the elegy for the
1240 pianist Josef Hoffman, then asked his opinion. "Well, it's quite
1241 nice," he replied, but don't you think it would be better if ..."
1242 "If what?" asked the composer.
1243 "If ... if you had died and MacDowell had written the elegy?"
1245 A novel approach is to remove all power from the system, which
1246 removes most system overhead so that resources can be fully devoted to
1247 doing nothing. Benchmarks on this technique are promising; tremendous
1248 amounts of nothing can be produced in this manner. Certain hardware
1249 limitations can limit the speed of this method, especially in the
1250 larger systems which require a more involved & less efficient
1251 power-down sequence.
1252 An alternate approach is to pull the main breaker for the
1253 building, which seems to provide even more nothing, but in truth has
1254 bugs in it, since it usually inhibits the systems which keep the beer
1257 A novice asked the Master: "Here is a programmer that never designs,
1258 documents, or tests his programs. Yet all who know him consider him one of
1259 the best programmers in the world. Why is this?"
1260 The Master replies: "That programmer has mastered the Tao. He has
1261 gone beyond the need for design; he does not become angry when the system
1262 crashes, but accepts the universe without concern. He has gone beyond the
1263 need for documentation; he no longer cares if anyone else sees his code. He
1264 has gone beyond the need for testing; each of his programs are perfect within
1265 themselves, serene and elegant, their purpose self-evident. Truly, he has
1266 entered the mystery of the Tao."
1267 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
1269 A novice asked the master: "I have a program that sometimes runs and
1270 sometimes aborts. I have followed the rules of programming, yet I am totally
1271 baffled. What is the reason for this?"
1272 The master replied: "You are confused because you do not understand
1273 the Tao. Only a fool expects rational behavior from his fellow humans. Why
1274 do you expect it from a machine that humans have constructed? Computers
1275 simulate determinism; only the Tao is perfect.
1276 The rules of programming are transitory; only the Tao is eternal.
1277 Therefore you must contemplate the Tao before you receive enlightenment."
1278 "But how will I know when I have received enlightenment?" asked the
1280 "Your program will then run correctly," replied the master.
1281 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
1283 A novice asked the master: "I perceive that one computer company is
1284 much larger than all others. It towers above its competition like a giant
1285 among dwarfs. Any one of its divisions could comprise an entire business.
1287 The master replied, "Why do you ask such foolish questions? That
1288 company is large because it is so large. If it only made hardware, nobody
1289 would buy it. If it only maintained systems, people would treat it like a
1290 servant. But because it combines all of these things, people think it one
1291 of the gods! By not seeking to strive, it conquers without effort."
1292 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
1294 A novice asked the master: "In the east there is a great tree-structure
1295 that men call 'Corporate Headquarters'. It is bloated out of shape with
1296 vice-presidents and accountants. It issues a multitude of memos, each saying
1297 'Go, Hence!' or 'Go, Hither!' and nobody knows what is meant. Every year new
1298 names are put onto the branches, but all to no avail. How can such an
1299 unnatural entity exist?"
1300 The master replies: "You perceive this immense structure and are
1301 disturbed that it has no rational purpose. Can you not take amusement from
1302 its endless gyrations? Do you not enjoy the untroubled ease of programming
1303 beneath its sheltering branches? Why are you bothered by its uselessness?"
1304 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
1306 A novice programmer was once assigned to code a simple financial
1308 The novice worked furiously for many days, but when his master
1309 reviewed his program, he discovered that it contained a screen editor, a set
1310 of generalized graphics routines, and artificial intelligence interface,
1311 but not the slightest mention of anything financial.
1312 When the master asked about this, the novice became indignant.
1313 "Don't be so impatient," he said, "I'll put the financial stuff in eventually."
1314 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
1316 A Pole, a Soviet, an American, an Englishman and a Canadian were lost
1317 in a forest in the dead of winter. As they were sitting around a fire, they
1318 noticed a pack of wolves eyeing them hungrily.
1319 The Englishman volunteered to sacrifice himself for the rest of the
1320 party. He walked out into the night.
1321 The American, not wanting to be outdone by an Englishman, offered to
1322 be the next victim. The wolves eagerly accepted his offer, and devoured him,
1324 The Soviet, believing himself to be better than any American, turned
1325 to the Pole and says, "Well, comrade, I shall volunteer to give my life to
1326 save a fellow socialist." He leaves the shelter and goes out to be killed by
1328 At this point, the Pole opened his jacket and pulls out a machine gun.
1329 He takes aim in the general direction of the wolf pack and in a few seconds
1330 has killed them all.
1331 The Canadian asked the Pole, "Why didn't you do that before the others
1332 went out to be killed?
1333 The Pole pulls a bottle of vodka from the other side of his jacket.
1334 He smiles and replies, "Five men on one bottle -- too many."
1336 A priest was walking along the cliffs at Dover when he came
1337 upon two locals pulling another man ashore on the end of a rope.
1338 "That's what I like to see", said the priest, "A man helping his fellow
1340 As he was walking away, one local remarked to the other, "Well,
1341 he sure doesn't know the first thing about shark fishing."
1343 A program should be light and agile, its subroutines connected like a
1344 strings of pearls. The spirit and intent of the program should be retained
1345 throughout. There should be neither too little nor too much, neither needless
1346 loops nor useless variables, neither lack of structure nor overwhelming
1348 A program should follow the "Law of Least Astonishment". What is this
1349 law? It is simply that the program should always respond to the user in the
1350 way that astonishes him least.
1351 A program, no matter how complex, should act as a single unit. The
1352 program should be directed by the logic within rather than by outward
1354 If the program fails in these requirements, it will be in a state of
1355 disorder and confusion. The only way to correct this is to rewrite the
1357 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
1359 A programmer from a very large computer company went to a software
1360 conference and then returned to report to his manager, saying: "What sort
1361 of programmers work for other companies? They behaved badly and were
1362 unconcerned with appearances. Their hair was long and unkempt and their
1363 clothes were wrinkled and old. They crashed our hospitality suites and they
1364 made rude noises during my presentation."
1365 The manager said: "I should have never sent you to the conference.
1366 Those programmers live beyond the physical world. They consider life absurd,
1367 an accidental coincidence. They come and go without knowing limitations.
1368 Without a care, they live only for their programs. Why should they bother
1369 with social conventions?"
1370 "They are alive within the Tao."
1371 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
1373 A ranger was walking through the forest and encountered a hunter
1374 carrying a shotgun and a dead loon. "What in the world do you think you're
1375 doing? Don't you know that the loon is on the endangered species list?"
1376 Instead of answering, the hunter showed the ranger his game bag,
1377 which contained twelve more loons.
1378 "Why would you shoot loons?", the ranger asked.
1379 "Well, my family eats them and I sell the plumage."
1380 "What's so special about a loon? What does it taste like?"
1381 "Oh, somewhere between an American Bald Eagle and a Trumpeter Swan."
1383 A reader reports that when the patient died, the attending doctor
1384 recorded the following on the patient's chart: "Patient failed to fulfill
1385 his wellness potential."
1387 Another doctor reports that in a recent issue of the *American Journal
1388 of Family Practice* fleas were called "hematophagous arthropod vectors."
1390 A reader reports that the Army calls them "vertically deployed anti-
1391 personnel devices." You probably call them bombs.
1393 At McClellan Air Force base in Sacramento, California, civilian
1394 mechanics were placed on "non-duty, non-pay status." That is, they were fired.
1396 After taking the trip of a lifetime, our reader sent his twelve rolls
1397 of film to Kodak for developing (or "processing," as Kodak likes to call it)
1398 only to receive the following notice: "We must report that during the handling
1399 of your twelve 35mm Kodachrome slide orders, the films were involved in an
1400 unusual laboratory experience." The use of the passive is a particularly nice
1401 touch, don't you think? Nobody did anything to the films; they just had a bad
1402 experience. Of course our reader can always go back to Tibet and take his
1403 pictures all over again, using the twelve replacement rolls Kodak so generously
1405 -- Quarterly Review of Doublespeak (NCTE)
1407 A reverend wanted to telephone another reverend. He told the operator,
1408 "This is a parson to parson call."
1409 A farmer with extremely prolific hens posted the following sign. "Free
1410 Chickens. Our Coop Runneth Over."
1411 Two brothers, Mort and Bill, like to sail. While Bill has a great
1412 deal of experience, he certainly isn't the rigger Mort is.
1413 Inheritance taxes are getting so out of line, that the deceased family
1414 often doesn't have a legacy to stand on.
1415 The judge fined the jaywalker fifty dollars and told him if he was
1416 caught again, he would be thrown in jail. Fine today, cooler tomorrow.
1417 A rock store eventually closed down; they were taking too much for
1420 A Scotsman was strolling across High Street one day wearing his kilt.
1421 As he neared the far curb, he noticed two young blondes in a red convertible
1422 eyeing him and giggling. One of them called out, "Hey, Scotty! What's worn
1424 He strolled over to the side of the car and asked, "Ach, lass, are you
1425 SURE you want to know?" Somewhat nervously, the blonde replied yes, she did
1426 really want to know.
1427 The Scotsman leaned closer and confided, "Why, lass, nothing's worn
1428 under the kilt, everything's in perfect workin' order!"
1430 A sheet of paper crossed my desk the other day and as I read it,
1431 realization of a basic truth came over me. So simple! So obvious we couldn't
1432 see it. John Knivlen, Chairman of Polamar Repeater Club, an amateur radio
1433 group, had discovered how IC circuits work. He says that smoke is the thing
1434 that makes ICs work because every time you let the smoke out of an IC circuit,
1435 it stops working. He claims to have verified this with thorough testing.
1436 I was flabbergasted! Of course! Smoke makes all things electrical
1437 work. Remember the last time smoke escaped from your Lucas voltage regulator
1438 Didn't it quit working? I sat and smiled like an idiot as more of the truth
1439 dawned. It's the wiring harness that carries the smoke from one device to
1440 another in your Mini, MG or Jag. And when the harness springs a leak, it lets
1441 the smoke out of everything at once, and then nothing works. The starter motor
1442 requires large quantities of smoke to operate properly, and that's why the wire
1443 going to it is so large.
1444 Feeling very smug, I continued to expand my hypothesis. Why are Lucas
1445 electronics more likely to leak than say Bosch? Hmmm... Aha!!! Lucas is
1446 British, and all things British leak! British convertible tops leak water,
1447 British engines leak oil, British displacer units leak hydrostatic fluid, and
1448 I might add British tires leak air, and the British defense unit leaks
1449 secrets... so naturally British electronics leak smoke.
1450 -- Jack Banton, PCC Automotive Electrical School
1452 A shy teenage boy finally worked up the nerve to give a gift to
1453 Madonna, a young puppy. It hitched its waggin' to a star.
1454 A girl spent a couple hours on the phone talking to her two best
1455 friends, Maureen Jones, and Maureen Brown. When asked by her father why she
1456 had been on the phone so long, she responded "I heard a funny story today
1457 and I've been telling it to the Maureens."
1458 Three actors, Tom, Fred, and Cec, wanted to do the jousting scene
1459 from Don Quixote for a local TV show. "I'll play the title role," proposed
1460 Tom. "Fred can portray Sancho Panza, and Cecil B. De Mille."
1462 A woman was married to a golfer. One day she asked, "If I were
1463 to die, would you remarry?"
1464 After some thought, the man replied, "Yes, I've been very happy in
1465 this marriage and I would want to be this happy again."
1466 The wife asked, "Would you give your new wife my car?"
1467 "Yes," he replied. "That's a good car and it runs well."
1468 "Well, would you live in this house?"
1469 "Yes, it is a lovely house and you have decorated it beautifully.
1470 I've always loved it here."
1471 "Well, would you give her my golf clubs?"
1474 "She's left handed."
1476 A women was in love with fourteen soldiers, it was clearly platoonic.
1478 A young honeymoon couple were touring southern Florida and happened
1479 to stop at one of the rattlesnake farms along the road. After seeing the
1480 sights, they engaged in small talk with the man that handled the snakes.
1481 "Gosh!" exclaimed the new bride. "You certainly have a dangerous job.
1482 Don't you ever get bitten by the snakes?"
1483 "Yes, upon rare occasions," answered the handler.
1484 "Well," she continued, "just what do you do when you're bitten by
1486 "I always carry a razor-sharp knife in my pocket, and as soon as I
1487 am bitten, I make deep criss-cross marks across the fang entry and then
1488 suck the poison from the wound."
1489 "What, uh... what would happen if you were to accidentally *sit* on
1490 a rattler?" persisted the woman.
1491 "Ma'am," answered the snake handler, "that will be the day I learn
1492 who my real friends are."
1494 A young married couple had their first child. Their original pride
1495 and joy slowly turned to concern however, for after a couple of years the
1496 child had never uttered any form of speech. They hired the best speech
1497 therapists, doctors, psychiatrists, all to no avail. The child simply refused
1498 to speak. One morning when the child was five, while the husband was reading
1499 the paper, and the wife was feeding the dog, the little kid looks up from
1500 his bowl and said, "My cereal's cold."
1501 The couple is stunned. The man, in tears, confronts his son. "Son,
1502 after all these years, why have you waited so long to say something?".
1503 Shrugs the kid, "Everything's been okay 'til now".
1505 After his Ignoble Disgrace, Satan was being expelled from
1506 Heaven. As he passed through the Gates, he paused a moment in thought,
1507 and turned to God and said, "A new creature called Man, I hear, is soon
1509 "This is true," He replied.
1510 "He will need laws," said the Demon slyly.
1511 "What! You, his appointed Enemy for all Time! You ask for the
1512 right to make his laws?"
1513 "Oh, no!" Satan replied, "I ask only that he be allowed to
1516 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
1518 After sifting through the overwritten remaining blocks of Luke's home
1519 directory, Luke and PDP-1 sped away from /u/lars, across the surface of the
1520 Winchester riding Luke's flying read/write head. PDP-1 had Luke stop at the
1521 edge of the cylinder overlooking /usr/spool/uucp.
1522 "Unix-to-Unix Copy Program;" said PDP-1. "You will never find a more
1523 wretched hive of bugs and flamers. We must be cautious."
1526 After the Children of Israel had wandered for thirty-nine years in
1527 the wilderness, Ferdinand Feghoot arrived to make sure that they
1528 would finally find and enter the Promised Land. With him, he brought his
1529 favorite robot, faithful old Yewtoo Artoo, to carry his gear and do assorted
1531 The Israelites soon got over their initial fear of the robot and,
1532 as the months passed, became very fond of him. Patriarchs took to
1533 discussing abstruse theological problems with him, and each evening the
1534 children all gathered to hear the many stories with which he was programmed.
1535 Therefore it came as a great shock to them when, just as their journey was
1536 ending, he abruptly wore out. Even Feghoot couldn't console them.
1537 "It may be true, Ferdinand Feghoot," said Moses, "that our friend
1538 Yewtoo Artoo was soulless, but we cannot believe it. He must be properly
1539 interred. We cannot embalm him as do the Egyptians. Nor have we wood for
1540 a coffin. But I do have a most splendid skin from one of Pharoah's own
1541 cattle. We shall bury him in it."
1542 Feghoot agreed. "Yes, let this be his last rusting place." "Rusting?"
1543 Moses cried. "Not in this dreadful dry desert!"
1544 "Ah!" sighed Ferdinand Feghoot, shedding a tear, "I fear you do not
1545 realize the full significance of Pharoah's oxhide!"
1546 -- Grendel Briarton "Through Time & Space With Ferdinand
1549 After watching an extremely attractive maternity-ward patient
1550 earnestly thumbing her way through a telephone directory for several
1551 minutes, a hospital orderly finally asked if he could be of some help.
1552 "No, thanks," smiled the young mother, "I'm just looking for a
1554 "But the hospital supplies a special booklet that lists hundreds
1555 of first names and their meanings," said the orderly.
1556 "That won't help," said the woman, "my baby already has a first
1559 All that you touch, And all you create,
1560 All that you see, And all you destroy,
1561 All that you taste, All that you do,
1562 All you feel, And all you say,
1563 And all that you love, All that you eat,
1564 And all that you hate, And everyone you meet,
1565 All you distrust, All that you slight,
1566 All you save, And everyone you fight,
1567 And all that you give, And all that is now,
1568 And all that you deal, And all that is gone,
1569 All that you buy, And all that's to come,
1570 Beg, borrow or steal, And everything under the sun is
1572 But the sun is eclipsed
1575 There is no dark side of the moon... really... matter of fact it's all dark.
1576 -- Pink Floyd, "Dark Side of the Moon"
1578 America, Russia and Japan are sending up a two year shuttle mission
1579 with one astronaut from each country. Since it's going to be two long, lonely
1580 years up there, each may bring any form of entertainment weighing 150 pounds
1581 or less. The American approaches the NASA board and asks to take his 125 lb.
1583 The Japanese astronaut says, "I've always wanted to learn Latin. I
1584 want 100 lbs. of textbooks." The NASA board approves. The Russian astronaut
1585 thinks for a second and says, "Two years... all right, I want 150 pounds of
1586 the best Cuban cigars ever made." Again, NASA okays it.
1587 Two years later, the shuttle lands and everyone is gathered outside
1588 to welcome back the astronauts. Well, it's obvious what the American's been
1589 up to, he and his wife are each holding an infant. The crowd cheers. The
1590 Japanese astronaut steps out and makes a 10 minute speech in absolutely
1591 perfect Latin. The crowd doesn't understand a word of it, but they're
1592 impressed and they cheer again. The Russian astronaut stomps out, clenches
1593 the podium until his knuckles turn white, glares at the first row and
1594 screams: "Anybody got a match?"
1596 An architect's first work is apt to be spare and clean. He
1597 knows he doesn't know what he's doing, so he does it carefully and with
1599 As he designs the first work, frill after frill and
1600 embellishment after embellishment occur to him. These get stored away
1601 to be used "next time". Sooner or later the first system is finished,
1602 and the architect, with firm confidence and a demonstrated mastery of
1603 that class of systems, is ready to build a second system.
1604 This second is the most dangerous system a man ever designs.
1605 When he does his third and later ones, his prior experiences will
1606 confirm each other as to the general characteristics of such systems,
1607 and their differences will identify those parts of his experience that
1608 are particular and not generalizable.
1609 The general tendency is to over-design the second system, using
1610 all the ideas and frills that were cautiously sidetracked on the first
1611 one. The result, as Ovid says, is a "big pile".
1612 -- Frederick Brooks, "The Mythical Man Month"
1614 An eighty-year-old woman is rocking away the afternoon on her
1615 porch when she sees an old, tarnished lamp sitting near the steps. She
1616 picks it up, rubs it gently, and lo and behold a genie appears! The genie
1617 tells the woman the he will grant her any three wishes her heart desires.
1618 After a bit of thought, she says, "I wish I were young and
1619 beautiful!" And POOF! In a cloud of smoke she becomes a young, beautiful,
1621 After a little more thought, she says, "I would like to be rich
1622 for the rest of my life." And POOF! When the smoke clears, there are
1623 stacks and stacks of money lying on the porch.
1624 The genie then says, "Now, madam, what is your final wish?"
1625 "Well," says the woman, "I would like for you to transform my
1626 faithful old cat, whom I have loved dearly for fifteen years, into a young
1628 And with another billow of smoke the cat is changed into a tall,
1629 handsome, young man, with dark hair, dressed in a dashing uniform.
1630 As they gaze at each other in adoration, the prince leans over to
1631 the woman and whispers into her ear, "Now, aren't you sorry you had me
1634 An elderly man stands in line for hours at a Warsaw meat store (meat
1635 is severely rationed). When the butcher comes out at the end of the day and
1636 announces that there is no meat left, the man flies into a rage.
1637 "What is this?" he shouts. "I fought against the Nazis, I worked hard
1638 all my life, I've been a loyal citizen, and now you tell me I can't even buy a
1639 piece of meat? This rotten system stinks!"
1640 Suddenly a thuggish man in a black leather coat sidles up and murmurs
1641 "Take it easy, comrade. Remember what would have happened if you had made an
1642 outburst like that only a few years ago" -- and he points an imaginary gun to
1643 this head and pulls the trigger.
1644 The old man goes home, and his wife says, "So they're out of meat
1646 "It's worse than that," he replies. "They're out of bullets."
1647 -- making the rounds in Warsaw, 1987
1649 An Englishman, a Frenchman and an American are captured by cannibals.
1650 The leader of the tribe comes up to them and says, "Even though you are about
1651 to killed, your deaths will not be in vain. Every part of your body will be
1652 used. Your flesh will be eaten, for my people are hungry. Your hair will be
1653 woven into clothing, for my people are naked. Your bones will be ground up
1654 and made into medicine, for my people are sick. Your skin will be stretched
1655 over canoe frames, for my people need transportation. We are a fair people,
1656 and we offer you a chance to kill yourself with our ceremonial knife."
1657 The Englishman accepts the knife and yells, "God Save the Queen",
1658 while plunging the knife into his heart.
1659 The Frenchman removes the knife from the fallen body, and yells,
1660 "Vive la France", while plunging the knife into his heart.
1661 The American removes the knife from the fallen body, and yells,
1662 while stabbing himself all over his body, "Here's your lousy canoe!"
1664 An old Jewish man reads about Einstein's theory of relativity
1665 in the newspaper and asks his scientist grandson to explain it to him.
1666 "Well, zayda, it's sort of like this. Einstein says that if
1667 you're having your teeth drilled without Novocain, a minute seems like
1668 an hour. But if you're sitting with a beautiful woman on your lap, an
1669 hour seems like a minute."
1670 The old man considers this profound bit of thinking for a
1671 moment and says, "And from this he makes a living?"
1672 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
1674 An older student came to Otis and said, "I have been to see a
1675 great number of teachers and I have given up a great number of pleasures.
1676 I have fasted, been celibate and stayed awake nights seeking enlightenment.
1677 I have given up everything I was asked to give up and I have suffered, but
1678 I have not been enlightened. What should I do?"
1679 Otis replied, "Give up suffering."
1680 -- Camden Benares, "Zen Without Zen Masters"
1682 And St. Attila raised the hand grenade up on high saying "O Lord
1683 bless this thy hand grenade that with it thou mayest blow thine enemies
1684 to tiny bits, in thy mercy" and the Lord did grin and the people did feast
1685 upon the lambs and sloths and carp and anchovies and orang-utangs and
1686 breakfast cereals and fruit bats and...
1687 (skip a bit brother...)
1688 Er ... oh, yes ... and the Lord spake, saying "First shalt thou
1689 take out the Holy Pin, then shalt thou count to three, no more, no less.
1690 Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the count
1691 shall be three. Four shalt thou not count neither count thou two, excepting
1692 that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number
1693 three, being the third number, be reached then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand
1694 Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who being naught in my sight, shall
1696 -- Monty Python, "The Book of Armaments"
1698 "And what will you do when you grow up to be as big as me?"
1699 asked the father of his little son.
1702 "Anything else, sir?" asked the attentive bellhop, trying his best
1703 to make the lady and gentleman comfortable in their penthouse suite in the
1705 "No. No, thank you," replied the gentleman.
1706 "Anything for your wife, sir?" the bellhop asked.
1707 "Why, yes, young man," said the gentleman. "Would you bring me
1710 "Anything else you wish to draw to my attention, Mr. Holmes ?"
1711 "The curious incident of the stable dog in the nighttime."
1712 "But the dog did nothing in the nighttime."
1713 "That was the curious incident."
1714 -- Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, "Silver Blaze"
1716 Approaching the gates of the monastery, Hakuin found Ken the Zen
1717 preaching to a group of disciples.
1718 "Words..." Ken orated, "they are but an illusory veil obfuscating
1719 the absolute reality of --"
1720 "Ken!" Hakuin interrupted. "Your fly is down!"
1721 Whereupon the Clear Light of Illumination exploded upon Ken, and he
1723 On the way to town, Hakuin was greeted by an itinerant monk imbued
1724 with the spirit of the morning.
1725 "Ah," the monk sighed, a beatific smile wrinkling across his cheeks,
1727 "Ah," Hakuin replied, pointing excitedly, "And Thou art Fat!"
1728 Whereupon the Clear Light of Illumination exploded upon the monk,
1730 Next, the Governor sought the advice of Hakuin, crying: "As our
1731 enemies bear down upon us, how shall I, with such heartless and callow
1732 soldiers as I am heir to, hope to withstand the impending onslaught?"
1733 "US?" snapped Hakuin.
1734 Whereupon the Clear Light of Illumination exploded upon the
1735 Governor, and he vaporized.
1736 Then, a redneck went up to Hakuin and vaporized the old Master with
1737 his shotgun. "Ha! Beat ya' to the punchline, ya' scrawny li'l geek!"
1739 As a general rule of thumb, never trust anybody who's been in therapy
1740 for more than 15 percent of their life span. The words "I am sorry" and "I
1741 am wrong" will have totally disappeared from their vocabulary. They will stab
1742 you, shoot you, break things in your apartment, say horrible things to your
1743 friends and family, and then justify this abhorrent behavior by saying:
1744 "Sure, I put your dog in the microwave. But I feel *better*
1746 -- Bruce Feirstein, "Nice Guys Sleep Alone"
1747 Brian Kernighan has an automobile which he helped design.
1748 Unlike most automobiles, it has neither speedometer, nor gas gauge, nor
1749 any of the numerous idiot lights which plague the modern driver.
1750 Rather, if the driver makes any mistake, a giant "?" lights up in the
1751 center of the dashboard. "The experienced driver", he says, "will
1752 usually know what's wrong."
1754 Before he became a hermit, Zarathud was a young Priest, and
1755 took great delight in making fools of his opponents in front of his
1757 One day Zarathud took his students to a pleasant pasture and
1758 there he confronted The Sacred Chao while She was contentedly grazing.
1759 "Tell me, you dumb beast," demanded the Priest in his
1760 commanding voice, "why don't you do something worthwhile? What is your
1761 Purpose in Life, anyway?"
1762 Munching the tasty grass, The Sacred Chao replied "MU". (The
1763 Chinese ideogram for NO-THING.)
1764 Upon hearing this, absolutely nobody was enlightened.
1765 Primarily because nobody understood Chinese.
1766 -- Camden Benares, "Zen Without Zen Masters"
1768 Bubba, Jim Bob, and Leroy were fishing out on the lake last November,
1769 and, when Bubba tipped his head back to empty the Jim Beam, he fell out of the
1770 boat into the lake. Jim Bob and Leroy pulled him back in, but as Bubba didn't
1771 look too good, they started up the Evinrude and headed back to the pier.
1772 By the time they got there, Bubba was turning kind of blue, and his
1773 teeth were chattering like all get out. Jim Bob said, "Leroy, go run up to
1774 the pickup and get Doc Pritchard on the CB, and ask him what we should do".
1775 Doc Pritchard, after hearing a description of the case, said "Now,
1776 Leroy, listen closely. Bubba is in great danger. He has hy-po-thermia. Now
1777 what you need to do is get all them wet clothes off of Bubba, and take your
1778 clothes off, and pile your clothes and jackets on top of him. Then you all
1779 get under that pile, and hug up to Bubba real close so that you warm him up.
1780 You understand me Leroy? You gotta warm Bubba up, or he'll die."
1781 Leroy and the Doc 10-4'ed each other, and Leroy came back to the
1782 pier. "Wh-Wh-What'd th-th-the d-d-doc s-s-say L-L-Leroy?", Bubba chattered.
1783 "Bubba, Doc says you're gonna die."
1785 By the middle 1880's, practically all the roads except those in
1786 the South, were of the present standard gauge. The southern roads were
1787 still five feet between rails.
1788 It was decided to change the gauge of all southern roads to standard,
1789 in one day. This remarkable piece of work was carried out on a Sunday in May
1790 of 1886. For weeks beforehand, shops had been busy pressing wheels in on the
1791 axles to the new and narrower gauge, to have a supply of rolling stock which
1792 could run on the new track as soon as it was ready. Finally, on the day set,
1793 great numbers of gangs of track layers went to work at dawn. Everywhere one
1794 rail was loosened, moved in three and one-half inches, and spiked down in its
1795 new position. By dark, trains from anywhere in the United States could operate
1796 over the tracks in the South, and a free interchange of freight cars everywhere
1798 -- Robert Henry, "Trains", 1957
1800 Carol's head ached as she trailed behind the unsmiling Calibrees
1801 along the block of booths. She chirruped at Kennicott, "Let's be wild!
1802 Let's ride on the merry-go-round and grab a gold ring!"
1803 Kennicott considered it, and mumbled to Calibree, "Think you folks
1804 would like to stop and try a ride on the merry-go-round?"
1805 Calibree considered it, and mumbled to his wife, "Think you'd like
1806 to stop and try a ride on the merry-go-round?"
1807 Mrs. Calibree smiled in a washed-out manner, and sighed, "Oh no,
1808 I don't believe I care to much, but you folks go ahead and try it."
1809 Calibree stated to Kennicott, "No, I don't believe we care to a
1810 whole lot, but you folks go ahead and try it."
1811 Kennicott summarized the whole case against wildness: "Let's try
1812 it some other time, Carrie."
1814 -- Sinclair Lewis, "Main Street"
1816 Catching his children with their hands in the new, still wet, patio,
1817 the father spanked them. His wife asked, "Don't you love your children?"
1818 "In the abstract, yes, but not in the concrete."
1821 Due to the convergence of forces beyond his comprehension,
1822 Salvatore Quanucci was suddenly squirted out of the universe
1823 like a watermelon seed, and never heard from again.
1827 Oh, life is a glorious cycle of song,
1828 A medley of extemporanea;
1829 And love is thing that can never go wrong;
1830 And I am Marie of Roumania.
1833 Concerning the war in Vietnam, Senator George Aiken of Vermont noted
1834 in January, 1966, "I'm not very keen for doves or hawks. I think we need more
1836 -- Bill Adler, "The Washington Wits"
1839 (heard in Rutledge, Missouri, about eighteen years ago)
1841 Now, this dog is for sale, and she can not only follow a trail twice as
1842 old as the average dog can, but she's got a pretty good memory to boot.
1843 For instance, last week this old boy who lives down the road from me, and
1844 is forever stinkmouthing my hounds, brought some city fellow around to
1845 try out ol' Sis here. So I turned her out south of the house and she made
1846 two or three big swings back and forth across the edge of the woods, set
1847 back her head, bayed a couple of times, cut straight through the woods,
1848 come to a little clearing, jumped about three foot straight up in the air,
1849 run to the other side, and commenced to letting out a racket like she had
1850 something treed. We went over there with our flashlights and shone them
1851 up in the tree but couldn't catch no shine offa coon's eyes, and my
1852 neighbor sorta indicated that ol' Sis might be a little crazy, `cause she
1853 stood right to the tree and kept singing up into it. So I pulled off my
1854 coat and climbed up into the branches, and sure enough, there was a coon
1855 skeleton wedged in between a couple of branches about twenty foot up.
1856 Now as I was saying, she can follow a pretty old trail, but this fellow
1857 was still calling her crazy or touched `cause she had hopped up in the
1858 air while she was crossing the clearing, until I reminded him that the
1859 Hawkins' had a fence across there about five years back. Now, this dog
1861 -- News that stayed News: Ten Years of Coevolution Quarterly
1863 Cosmotronic Software Unlimited Inc. does not warrant that the
1864 functions contained in the program will meet your requirements or that
1865 the operation of the program will be uninterrupted or error-free.
1866 However, Cosmotronic Software Unlimited Inc. warrants the
1867 diskette(s) on which the program is furnished to be of black color and
1868 square shape under normal use for a period of ninety (90) days from the
1870 NOTE: IN NO EVENT WILL COSMOTRONIC SOFTWARE UNLIMITED OR ITS
1871 DISTRIBUTORS AND THEIR DEALERS BE LIABLE TO YOU FOR ANY DAMAGES, INCLUDING
1872 ANY LOST PROFIT, LOST SAVINGS, LOST PATIENCE OR OTHER INCIDENTAL OR
1873 CONSEQUENTIAL DAMAGES.
1874 -- Horstmann Software Design, the "ChiWriter" user manual
1876 Dallas Cowboys Official Schedule
1878 Sept 14 Pasadena Junior High
1879 Sept 21 Boy Scout Troop 049
1880 Sept 28 Blind Academy
1881 Sept 30 World War I Veterans
1882 Oct 5 Brownie Scout Troop 041
1883 Oct 12 Sugarcreek High Cheerleaders
1884 Oct 26 St. Thomas Boys Choir
1885 Nov 2 Texas City Vet Clinic
1886 Nov 9 Korean War Amputees
1887 Nov 15 VA Hospital Polio Patients
1889 "Darling," he breathed, "after making love I doubt if I'll
1890 be able to get over you -- so would you mind answering the phone?"
1892 "Darling," she whispered, "will you still love me after we are
1894 He considered this for a moment and then replied, "I think so.
1895 I've always been especially fond of married women."
1897 Deck us all with Boston Charlie,
1898 Walla Walla, Wash., an' Kalamazoo!
1899 Nora's freezin' on the trolley,
1900 Swaller dollar cauliflower, alleygaroo!
1902 Don't we know archaic barrel,
1903 Lullaby Lilla Boy, Louisville Lou.
1904 Trolley Molly don't love Harold,
1905 Boola boola Pensacoola hullabaloo!
1906 -- Pogo, "Deck Us All With Boston Charlie"
1908 Deck Us All With Boston Charlie
1910 Deck us all with Boston Charlie,
1911 Walla Walla, Wash., an' Kalamazoo!
1912 Nora's freezin' on the trolley,
1913 Swaller dollar cauliflower, alleygaroo!
1915 Don't we know archaic barrel,
1916 Lullaby Lilla Boy, Louisville Lou.
1917 Trolley Molly don't love Harold,
1918 Boola boola Pensacoola hullabaloo!
1921 Does anyone know how to get chocolate syrup and honey out of a
1922 white electric blanket? I'm afraid to wash it in the machine.
1924 Thanks, Kathy. (front desk, x17)
1926 p.s. Also, anyone ever used Noxema on friction burns?
1927 Or is Vaseline better?
1929 Dr. Oliver Wendell Holmes of Harvard Medical School inhaled ether
1930 at a time when it was popularly supposed to produce such mystical or
1931 "mind-expanding" experiences, much as LSD is supposed to produce such
1932 experiences today. Here is his account of what happened:
1933 "I once inhaled a pretty full dose of ether, with the determination
1934 to put on record, at the earliest moment of regaining consciousness, the
1935 thought I should find uppermost in my mind. The mighty music of the triumphal
1936 march into nothingness reverberated through my brain, and filled me with a
1937 sense of infinite possibilities, which made me an archangel for a moment.
1938 The veil of eternity was lifted. The one great truth which underlies all
1939 human experience and is the key to all the mysteries that philosophy has
1940 sought in vain to solve, flashed upon me in a sudden revelation. Henceforth
1941 all was clear: a few words had lifted my intelligence to the level of the
1942 knowledge of the cherubim. As my natural condition returned, I remembered
1943 my resolution; and, staggering to my desk, I wrote, in ill-shaped, straggling
1944 characters, the all-embracing truth still glimmering in my consciousness.
1945 The words were these (children may smile; the wise will ponder):
1946 `A strong smell of turpentine prevails throughout.'"
1947 -- The Consumers Union Report: Licit & Illicit Drugs
1949 During a fight, a husband threw a bowl of Jello at his wife. She had
1950 him arrested for carrying a congealed weapon.
1951 In another fight, the wife decked him with a heavy glass pitcher.
1952 She's a women who conks to stupor.
1953 Upon reading a story about a man who throttled his mother-in-law, a
1954 man commented, "Sounds to me like a practical choker."
1955 It's not the initial skirt length, it's the upcreep.
1956 It's the theory of Jess Birnbaum, of Time magazine, that women with
1957 bad legs should stick to long skirts because they cover a multitude of shins.
1959 During a grouse hunt in North Carolina two intrepid sportsmen were
1960 blasting away at a clump of trees near a stone wall. Suddenly a red-face
1961 country squire popped his head over the wall and shouted, "Hey, you almost
1963 "Did I?" cried one hunter, aghast. "Terribly sorry. Have a shot
1964 at mine, over there."
1966 During a grouse hunt in North Carolina two intrepid sportsmen
1967 were blasting away at a clump of trees near a stone wall. Suddenly a
1968 red-faced country squire popped his head over the wall and shouted,
1969 "Hey, you almost hit my wife."
1970 "Did I?" cried the hunter, aghast. "Terribly sorry. Have a
1971 shot at mine, over there."
1973 Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles,
1974 called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you
1975 have been drinking. Electrons travel at the speed of light, which in
1976 most American homes is 110 volts per hour. This is very fast. In the
1977 time it has taken you to read this sentence so far, an electron could
1978 have traveled all the way from San Francisco to Hackensack, New Jersey,
1979 although God alone knows why it would want to.
1980 The five main kinds of electricity are alternating current,
1981 direct current, lightning, static, and European. Most American homes
1982 have alternating current, which means that the electricity goes in one
1983 direction for a while, then goes in the other direction. This prevents
1984 harmful electron buildup in the wires.
1985 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
1987 Eugene d'Albert, a noted German composer, was married six times.
1988 At an evening reception which he attended with his fifth wife shortly
1989 after their wedding, he presented the lady to a friend who said politely,
1990 "Congratulations, Herr d'Albert; you have rarely introduced me to so
1993 Everything is farther away than it used to be. It is even twice as
1994 far to the corner and they have added a hill. I have given up running for
1995 the bus; it leaves earlier than it used to.
1996 It seems to me they are making the stairs steeper than in the old
1997 days. And have you noticed the smaller print they use in the newspapers?
1998 There is no sense in asking anyone to read aloud anymore, as everybody
1999 speaks in such a low voice I can hardly hear them.
2000 The material in dresses is so skimpy now, especially around the hips
2001 and waist, that it is almost impossible to reach one's shoelaces. And the
2002 sizes don't run the way they used to. The 12's and 14's are so much smaller.
2003 Even people are changing. They are so much younger than they used to
2004 be when I was their age. On the other hand people my age are so much older
2006 I ran into an old classmate the other day and she has aged so much
2007 that she didn't recognize me.
2008 I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair
2009 this morning and in so doing I glanced at my own reflection. Really now,
2010 they don't even make good mirrors like they used to.
2011 Sandy Frazier, "I Have Noticed"
2013 Excellence is THE trend of the '80s. Walk into any shopping
2014 mall bookstore, go to the rack where they keep the best-sellers such as
2015 "Garfield Gets Spayed", and you'll see a half-dozen books telling you
2016 how to be excellent: "In Search of Excellence", "Finding Excellence",
2017 "Grasping Hold of Excellence", "Where to Hide Your Excellence at Night
2018 So the Cleaning Personnel Don't Steal It", etc.
2019 -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence"
2021 Exxon's "Universe of Energy" tends to the peculiar rather than the
2022 humorous ... After [an incomprehensible film montage about wind and sun and
2023 rain and strip mines and] two or three minutes of mechanical confusion, the
2024 seats locomote through a short tunnel filled with clock-work dinosaurs.
2025 The dinosaurs are depicted without accuracy and too close to your face.
2026 "One of the few real novelties at Epcot is the use of smell to
2027 aggravate illusions. Of course, no one knows what dinosaurs smelled like,
2028 but Exxon has decided they smelled bad.
2029 "At the other end of Dino Ditch ... there's a final, very addled
2030 message about facing challengehood tomorrow-wise. I dozed off during this,
2031 but the import seems to be that dinosaurs don't have anything to do with
2032 energy policy and neither do you."
2033 -- P. J. O'Rourke, "Holidays in Hell"
2035 Festivity Level 1: Your guests are chatting amiably with each
2036 other, admiring your Christmas-tree ornaments, singing carols around
2037 the upright piano, sipping at their drinks and nibbling hors
2039 Festivity Level 2: Your guests are talking loudly -- sometimes
2040 to each other, and sometimes to nobody at all, rearranging your
2041 Christmas-tree ornaments, singing "I Gotta Be Me" around the upright
2042 piano, gulping their drinks and wolfing down hors d'oeuvres.
2043 Festivity Level 3: Your guests are arguing violently with
2044 inanimate objects, singing "I can't get no satisfaction," gulping down
2045 other peoples' drinks, wolfing down Christmas tree ornaments and
2046 placing hors d'oeuvres in the upright piano to see what happens when
2047 the little hammers strike.
2048 Festivity Level 4: Your guests, hors d'oeuvres smeared all over
2049 their naked bodies are performing a ritual dance around the burning
2050 Christmas tree. The piano is missing.
2052 You want to keep your party somewhere around level 3, unless
2053 you rent your home and own Firearms, in which case you can go to level
2054 4. The best way to get to level 3 is egg-nog.
2058 Say my love is easy had,
2059 Say I'm bitten raw with pride,
2060 Say I am too often sad --
2061 Still behold me at your side.
2063 Say I'm neither brave nor young,
2064 Say I woo and coddle care,
2065 Say the devil touched my tongue --
2066 Still you have my heart to wear.
2068 But say my verses do not scan,
2069 And I get me another man!
2072 For example, in Year 1 that useless letter "c" would be dropped to be
2073 replased either by "k" or "s", and likewise "x" would no longer be part of the
2074 alphabet. The only kase in which "c" would be retained would be the "ch"
2075 formation, which will be dealt with later. Year 2 might reform "w" spelling,
2076 so that "which" and "one" would take the same konsonant, wile Year 3 might
2077 well abolish "y" replasing it with "i" and Iear 4 might fiks the "g-j"
2078 anomali wonse and for all.
2079 Jenerally, then, the improvement would kontinue iear bai iear with
2080 Iear 5 doing awai with useless double konsonants, and Iears 6-12 or so
2081 modifaiing vowlz and the rimeining voist and unvoist konsonants. Bai
2082 Iear 15 or sou, it wud fainali bi posibl tu meik ius ov thi ridandant letez
2083 "c", "y" and "x" - bai now jast a memori in the maindz ov ould doderez - tu
2084 riplais "ch", "sh", and "th" rispektivli.
2085 Fainali, xen, aafte sam 20 iers ov orxogrefkl riform, wi wud hev a
2086 lojikl, kohirnt speling in ius xrewawt xe Ingliy-spiking werld.
2088 "For I perceive that behind this seemingly unrelated sequence
2089 of events, there lurks a singular, sinister attitude of mind."
2095 "Found it," the Mouse replied rather crossly:
2096 "of course you know what `it' means."
2098 "I know what `it' means well enough, when I find a thing,"
2099 said the Duck: "it's generally a frog or a worm.
2101 The question is, what did the archbishop find?"
2103 Four Oxford dons were taking their evening walk together and as
2104 usual, were engaged in casual but learned conversation. On this particular
2105 evening, their conversation was about the names given to groups of animals,
2106 such as a "pride of lions" or a "gaggle of geese."
2107 One of the professors noticed a group of prostitutes down the block,
2108 and posed the question, "What name would be given to that group?" The four
2109 fell into silence for a moment, as they pondered the possibilities...
2110 At last, one spoke: "How about `a Jam of Tarts'?" The others nodded
2111 in acknowledgement as they continued to consider the problem. A second
2112 professor spoke: "I'd suggest `an Essay of Trollops.'" Again, the others
2113 nodded. A third spoke: "I propose `a Flourish of Strumpets.'"
2114 They continued their walk in silence, until the first professor
2115 remarked to the remaining professor, who was the most senior and learned of
2116 the four, "You haven't suggested a name for our ladies. What are your
2118 Replied the fourth professor, "`An Anthology of Prose.'"
2120 Fred noticed his roommate had a black eye upon returning from a dance.
2121 "What happened?" "I was struck by the beauty of the place."
2122 A pushy romeo asked a gorgeous elevator operator, "Don't all these
2123 stops and starts get you pretty worn out?" "It isn't the stops and starts
2124 that get on my nerves, it's the jerks."
2125 An airplane pilot got engaged to two very pretty women at the same
2126 time. One was named Edith; the other named Kate. They met, discovered they
2127 had the same fiancee, and told him. "Get out of our lives you rascal. We'll
2128 teach you that you can't have your Kate and Edith, too."
2129 A domineering man married a mere wisp of a girl. He came back from
2130 his honeymoon a chastened man. He'd become aware of the will of the wisp.
2131 A young husband with an inferiority complex insisted he was just a
2132 little pebble on the beach. The marriage counselor told him, "If you wish to
2133 save your marriage, you'd better be a little boulder."
2135 Friends were surprised, indeed, when Frank and Jennifer broke their
2136 engagement, but Frank had a ready explanation: "Would you marry someone who
2137 was habitually unfaithful, who lied at every turn, who was selfish and lazy
2139 "Of course not," said a sympathetic friend.
2140 "Well," retorted Frank, "neither would Jennifer."
2142 "Gee, Mudhead, everyone at Morse Science High has an
2143 extracurricular activity except you."
2144 "Well, gee, doesn't Louise count?"
2145 "Only to ten, Mudhead."
2146 -- The Firesign Theatre
2148 "Gentlemen of the jury," said the defense attorney, now beginning
2149 to warm to his summation, "the real question here before you is, shall this
2150 beautiful young woman be forced to languish away her loveliest years in a
2151 dark prison cell? Or shall she be set free to return to her cozy little
2152 apartment at 4134 Mountain Ave. -- there to spend her lonely, loveless hours
2153 in her boudoir, lying beside her little Princess phone, 962-7873?"
2155 God decided to take the devil to court and settle their
2156 differences once and for all.
2157 When Satan heard of this, he grinned and said, "And just
2158 where do you think you're going to find a lawyer?"
2160 Graduating seniors, parents and friends...
2161 Let me begin by reassuring you that my remarks today will stand up
2162 to the most stringent requirements of the new appropriateness.
2163 The intra-college sensitivity advisory committee has vetted the
2164 text of even trace amounts of subconscious racism, sexism and classism.
2165 Moreover, a faculty panel of deconstructionists have reconfigured
2166 the rhetorical components within a post-structuralist framework, so as to
2167 expunge any offensive elements of western rationalism and linear logic.
2168 Finally, all references flowing from a white, male, eurocentric
2169 perspective have been eliminated, as have any other ruminations deemed
2170 denigrating to the political consensus of the moment.
2172 Thank you and good luck.
2173 -- Doonesbury, the University Chancellor's graduation speech
2175 GREAT MOMENTS IN AMERICAN HISTORY #21 -- July 30, 1917
2177 On this day, New York City hotel detectives burst in and caught then-
2178 Senator Warren G. Harding in bed with an underage girl. He bought them
2179 off with a $20 bribe, and later remarked thankfully, "I thought I
2180 wouldn't get out of that under $1000!" Always one to learn from his
2181 mistakes, in later years President Harding carried on his affairs in a
2182 tiny closet in the White House Cabinet Room while Secret Service men
2185 Hack placidly amidst the noisy printers and remember what prizes there
2186 may be in Science. As fast as possible get a good terminal on a good system.
2187 Enter your data clearly but always encrypt your results. And listen to others,
2188 even the dull and ignorant, for they may be your customers. Avoid loud and
2189 aggressive persons, for they are sales reps.
2190 If you compare your outputs with those of others, you may be surprised,
2191 for always there will be greater and lesser numbers than you have crunched.
2192 Keep others interested in your career, and try not to fumble; it can be a real
2193 hassle and could change your fortunes in time.
2194 Exercise system control in your experiments, for the world is full of
2195 bugs. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive
2196 for linearity and everywhere papers are full of approximations. Strive for
2197 proportionality. Especially, do not faint when it occurs. Neither be cyclical
2198 about results; for in the face of all data analysis it is sure to be noticed.
2199 Take with a grain of salt the anomalous data points. Gracefully pass
2200 them on to the youth at the next desk. Nurture some mutual funds to shield
2201 you in times of sudden layoffs. But do not distress yourself with imaginings
2202 -- the real bugs are enough to screw you badly. Murphy's Law runs the
2203 Universe -- and whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt <Curl>B*n dS = 0.
2204 Therefore, grab for a piece of the pie, with whatever proposals you
2205 can conceive of to try. With all the crashed disks, skewed data, and broken
2206 line printers, you can still have a beautiful secretary. Be linear. Strive
2208 -- Technolorata, "Analog"
2210 "Haig, in congressional hearings before his confirmatory, paradoxed
2211 his audiencers by abnormaling his responds so that verbs were nouned, nouns
2212 verbed, and adjectives adverbised. He techniqued a new way to vocabulary his
2213 thoughts so as to informationally uncertain anybody listening about what he
2214 had actually implicationed.
2215 "If that is how General Haig wants to nervous breakdown the Russian
2216 leadership, he may be shrewding his way to the biggest diplomatic invent
2217 since Clausewitz. Unless, that is, he schizophrenes his allies first."
2220 Hardware met Software on the road to Changtse. Software said: "You
2221 are the Yin and I am the Yang. If we travel together we will become famous
2222 and earn vast sums of money." And so the pair set forth together, thinking
2223 to conquer the world.
2224 Presently, they met Firmware, who was dressed in tattered rags, and
2225 hobbled along propped on a thorny stick. Firmware said to them: "The Tao
2226 lies beyond Yin and Yang. It is silent and still as a pool of water. It does
2227 not seek fame, therefore nobody knows its presence. It does not seeks fortune,
2228 for it is complete within itself. It exists beyond space and time."
2229 Software and Hardware, ashamed, returned to their homes.
2230 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
2232 Harry, a golfing enthusiast if there ever was one, arrived home
2233 from the club to an irate, ranting wife.
2234 "I'm leaving you, Harry," his wife announced bitterly. "You
2235 promised me faithfully that you'd be back before six and here it is almost
2236 nine. It just can't take that long to play 18 holes of golf."
2237 "Honey, wait," said Harry. "Let me explain. I know what I promised
2238 you, but I have a very good reason for being late. Fred and I tee'd off
2239 right on time and everything was find for the first three holes. Then, on
2240 the fourth tee Fred had a stroke. I ran back to the clubhouse but couldn't
2241 find a doctor. And, by the time I got back to Fred, he was dead. So, for
2242 the next 15 holes, it was hit the ball, drag Fred, hit the ball, drag Fred...
2244 Harry constantly irritated his friends with his eternal optimism.
2245 No matter how bad the situation, he would always say, "Well, it could have
2247 To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a
2248 situation so completely black, so dreadful, that even Harry could find no
2249 hope in it. Approaching him at the club bar one day, one of them said,
2250 "Harry! Did you hear what happened to George? He came home last night,
2251 found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both, and then turned
2252 the gun on himself!"
2253 "Terrible," said Harry. "But it could have been worse."
2254 "How in hell," demanded his dumbfounded friend, "could it possibly
2256 "Well," said Harry, "if it had happened the night before, I'd be
2259 He had been bitten by a dog, but didn't give it much thought
2260 until he noticed that the wound was taking a remarkably long time to
2261 heal. Finally, he consulted a doctor who took one look at it and
2262 ordered the dog brought in. Just as he had suspected, the dog had
2263 rabies. Since it was too late to give the patient serum, the doctor
2264 felt he had to prepare him for the worst. The poor man sat down at the
2265 doctor's desk and began to write. His physician tried to comfort him.
2266 "Perhaps it won't be so bad," he said. "You needn't make out your will
2268 "I'm not making out any will," relied the man. "I'm just writing
2269 out a list of people I'm going to bite!"
2271 ...He who laughs does not believe in what he laughs at, but neither
2272 does he hate it. Therefore, laughing at evil means not preparing oneself to
2273 combat it, and laughing at good means denying the power through which good is
2275 -- Umberto Eco, "The Name of the Rose"
2277 "Heard you were moving your piano, so I came over to help."
2278 "Thanks. Got it upstairs already."
2280 "Nope. Hitched the cat to it."
2281 "How would that help?"
2284 "Hello, Mrs. Premise!"
2285 "Oh, hello, Mrs. Conclusion! Busy day?"
2286 "Busy? I just spent four hours burying the cat."
2287 "Four hours to bury a cat!?"
2288 "Yes, he wouldn't keep still: wrigglin' about, 'owlin'..."
2289 "Oh, it's not dead then."
2290 "Oh no, no, but it's not at all a well cat, and as we're
2291 goin' away for a fortnight I thought I'd better bury it just to be
2293 "Quite right. You don't want to come back from Sorrento
2294 to a dead cat, do you?"
2297 Here is the fact of the week, maybe even the fact of the
2298 month. According to probably reliable sources, the Coca-Cola people
2299 are experiencing severe marketing anxiety in China.
2300 The words "Coca-Cola" translate into Chinese as either
2301 (depending on the inflection) "wax-fattened mare" or "bite the wax
2303 Bite the wax tadpole.
2304 There is a sort of rough justice, is there not?
2305 The trouble with this fact, as lovely as it is, is that it's
2306 hard to get a whole column out of it. I'd like to teach the world to
2307 bite a wax tadpole. Coke -- it's the real wax-fattened mare. Not bad,
2308 but broad satiric vistas do not open up.
2309 -- John Carrol, San Francisco Chronicle
2311 Home centers are designed for the do-it-yourselfer who's
2312 willing to pay higher prices for the convenience of being able to shop
2313 for lumber, hardware, and toasters all in one location. Notice I say
2314 "shop for", as opposed to "obtain". This is the major drawback of home
2315 centers: they are always out of everything except artificial Christmas
2316 trees. The home center employees have no time to reorder merchandise
2317 because they are too busy applying little price stickers to every
2318 object -- every board, washer, nail and screw -- in the entire store ...
2319 Let's say a piece in your toilet tank breaks, so you remove the
2320 broken part, take it to the home center, and ask an employee if he has
2321 a replacement. The employee, who has never is his life even seen the
2322 inside of a toilet tank, will peer at the broken part in very much the
2323 same way that a member of a primitive Amazon jungle tribe would look at
2324 an electronic calculator, and then say, "We're expecting a shipment of
2325 these sometime around the middle of next week".
2326 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
2328 "How did you spend the weekend?" asked the pretty brunette secretary
2329 of her blonde companion.
2330 "Fishing through the ice," she replied.
2331 "Fishing through the ice? Whatever for?"
2334 "How many people work here?"
2337 How many seconds are there in a year? If I tell you there are
2338 3.155 x 10^7, you won't even try to remember it. On the other hand,
2339 who could forget that, to within half a percent, pi seconds is a
2341 -- Tom Duff, Bell Labs
2343 "How would I know if I believe in love at first sight?" the sexy
2344 social climber said to her roommate. "I mean, I've never seen a Porsche
2345 full of money before."
2347 "How'd you get that flat?"
2348 "Ran over a bottle."
2349 "Didn't you see it?"
2350 "Damn kid had it under his coat."
2354 I will not play at tug o' war.
2355 I'd rather play at hug o' war,
2358 Where everyone giggles
2359 And rolls on the rug,
2360 Where everyone kisses,
2362 And everyone cuddles,
2366 Human thinking can skip over a great deal, leap over small
2367 misunderstandings, can contain ifs and buts in untroubled corners of
2368 the mind. But the machine has no corners. Despite all the attempts to
2369 see the computer as a brain, the machine has no foreground or
2370 background. It can be programmed to behave as if it were working with
2371 uncertainty, but -- underneath, at the code, at the circuits -- it
2372 cannot simultaneously do something and withhold for later something that
2373 remains unknown. In the painstaking working out of the specification,
2374 line by code line, the programmer confronts an awful, inevitable truth:
2375 The ways of human and machine understanding are disjunct.
2376 -- Ellen Ullman, "Close to the Machine"
2378 "I believe you have the wrong number," said the old gentleman into
2379 the phone. "You'll have to call the weather bureau for that information."
2380 "Who was that?" his young wife asked.
2381 "Some guy wanting to know if the coast was clear."
2383 "I cannot read the fiery letters," said Frito Bugger in a
2385 "No," said GoodGulf, "but I can. The letters are Elvish, of
2386 course, of an ancient mode, but the language is that of Mordor, which
2387 I will not utter here. They are lines of a verse long known in
2390 "This Ring, no other, is made by the elves,
2391 Who'd pawn their own mother to grab it themselves.
2392 Ruler of creeper, mortal, and scallop,
2393 This is a sleeper that packs quite a wallop.
2394 The Power almighty rests in this Lone Ring.
2395 The Power, alrighty, for doing your Own Thing.
2396 If broken or busted, it cannot be remade.
2397 If found, send to Sorhed (with postage prepaid)."
2398 -- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings"
2400 I did some heavy research so as to be prepared for "Mommy, why is
2402 HE asked me about black holes in space.
2403 (There's a hole *where*?)
2405 I boned up to be ready for, "Why is the grass green?"
2406 HE wanted to discuss nature's food chains.
2407 (Well, let's see, there's ShopRite, Pathmark...)
2409 I talked about Choo-Choo trains.
2410 HE talked internal combustion engines.
2411 (The INTERNAL COMBUSTION ENGINE said, "I think I can, I think I can.")
2413 I was delighted with the video game craze, thinking we could compete
2415 HE described the complexities of the microchips required to create
2418 Then puberty struck. Ah, adolescence.
2419 HE said, "Mom, I just don't understand women."
2421 -- Betty LiBrizzi, "The Care and Feeding of a Gifted Child"
2423 I disapprove of the F-word, not because it's dirty, but because
2424 we use it as a substitute for thoughtful insults, and it frequently
2425 leads to violence. What we ought to do, when we anger each other, say,
2426 in traffic, is exchange phone numbers, so that later on, when we've had
2427 time to think of witty and learned insults or look them up in the
2428 library, we could call each other up:
2432 You: This is Ed. Remember? The person whose parking space you
2433 took last Thursday? Outside of Sears?
2434 Bob: Oh yes! Sure! How are you, Ed?
2435 You: Fine, thanks. Listen, Bob, the reason I'm calling is:
2436 "Madam, you may be drunk, but I am ugly, and ..." No, wait.
2437 I mean: "you may be ugly, but I am Winston Churchill
2438 and ..." No, wait. (Sound of reference book thudding onto
2439 the floor.) S-word. Excuse me. Look, Bob, I'm going to
2440 have to get back to you.
2442 -- Dave Barry, "$#$%#^%!^%&@%@!"
2444 "I don't know what you mean by `glory,'" Alice said
2445 Humpty Dumpty smiled contemptuously. "Of course you don't --
2446 till I tell you. I meant `there's a nice knock-down argument for
2448 "But glory doesn't mean `a nice knock-down argument,'" Alice
2450 "When I use a word," Humpty Dumpty said, in a rather scornful
2451 tone, "it means just what I choose it to mean -- neither more nor
2453 "The question is," said Alice, "whether you can make words mean
2454 so many different things."
2455 "The question is," said Humpty Dumpty, "which is to be master--
2457 -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass"
2459 "I have examined Bogota," he said, "and the case is clearer to me.
2460 I think very probably he might be cured."
2461 "That is what I have always hoped," said old Yacob.
2462 "His brain is affected," said the blind doctor.
2463 The elders murmured assent.
2464 "Now, what affects it?"
2465 "Ah!" said old Yacob.
2466 "This," said the doctor, answering his own question. "Those queer
2467 things that are called the eyes, and which exist to make an agreeable soft
2468 depression in the face, are diseased, in the case of Bogota, in such a way
2469 as to affect his brain. They are greatly distended, he has eyelashes, and
2470 his eyelids move, and consequently his brain is in a state of constant
2471 irritation and distraction."
2472 "Yes?" said old Yacob. "Yes?"
2473 "And I think I may say with reasonable certainty that, in order
2474 to cure him completely, all that we need do is a simple and easy surgical
2475 operation - namely, to remove those irritant bodies."
2476 "And then he will be sane?"
2477 "Then he will be perfectly sane, and a quite admirable citizen."
2478 "Thank heaven for science!" said old Yacob.
2479 -- H. G. Wells, "The Country of the Blind"
2481 I made it a rule to forbear all direct contradictions to the sentiments
2482 of others, and all positive assertion of my own. I even forbade myself the use
2483 of every word or expression in the language that imported a fixed opinion, such
2484 as "certainly", "undoubtedly", etc. I adopted instead of them "I conceive",
2485 "I apprehend", or "I imagine" a thing to be so or so; or "so it appears to me
2487 When another asserted something that I thought an error, I denied
2488 myself the pleasure of contradicting him abruptly, and of showing him
2489 immediately some absurdity in his proposition. In answering I began by
2490 observing that in certain cases or circumstances his opinion would be right,
2491 but in the present case there appeared or seemed to me some difference, etc.
2492 I soon found the advantage of this change in my manner; the
2493 conversations I engaged in went on more pleasantly. The modest way in which I
2494 proposed my opinions procured them a readier reception and less contradiction.
2495 I had less mortification when I was found to be in the wrong, and I more easily
2496 prevailed with others to give up their mistakes and join with me when I
2497 happened to be in the right.
2498 -- Autobiography of Benjamin Franklin
2500 I managed to say, "Sorry," and no more. I knew that he disliked
2502 This time he said, watching me, "On some occasions it is better
2504 I put my head down on the table and sobbed, "If only she could come
2505 back; I would be nice."
2506 Francis said, "You gave her great pleasure always."
2508 "Nobody can give anybody enough."
2510 "No, not ever. But one must go on trying."
2511 "And doesn't one ever value people until they are gone?"
2512 "Rarely," said Francis. I went on weeping; I saw how little I had
2513 valued him; how little I had valued anything that was mine.
2514 -- Pamela Frankau, "The Duchess and the Smugs"
2516 I paid a visit to my local precinct in Greenwich Village and
2517 asked a sergeant to show me some rape statistics. He politely obliged.
2518 That month there had been thirty-five rape complaints, an advance of ten
2519 over the same month for the previous year. The precinct had made two
2521 "Not a very impressive record," I offered.
2522 "Don't worry about it," the sergeant assured me. "You know what
2523 these complaints represent?"
2524 "What do they represent?" I asked.
2525 "Prostitutes who didn't get their money," he said firmly,
2527 -- Susan Brownmiller, "Against Our Will"
2529 [I plan] to see, hear, touch, and destroy everything in my path,
2530 including beets, rutabagas, and most random vegetables, but excluding yams,
2531 as I am absolutely terrified of yams...
2532 Actually, I think my fear of yams began in my early youth, when many
2533 of my young comrades pelted me with same for singing songs of far-off lands
2534 and deep blue seas in a language closely resembling that of the common sow.
2535 My psychosis was further impressed into my soul as I reached adolescence,
2536 when, while skipping through a field of yams, light-heartedly tossing flowers
2537 into the stratosphere, a great yam-picking machine tore through the fields,
2538 pursuing me to the edge of the great plantation, where I escaped by diving
2539 into a great ditch filled with a mixture of water and pig manure, which may
2540 explain my tendency to scream, "Here come the Martians! Hide the eggs!" every
2541 time I have pork. But I digress. The fact remains that I cannot rationally
2542 deal with yams, and pigs are terrible conversationalists.
2544 "I quite agree with you," said the Duchess; "and the moral of
2545 that is -- `Be what you would seem to be' -- or, if you'd like it put
2546 more simply -- `Never imagine yourself not to be otherwise than what it
2547 might appear to others that what you were or might have been was not
2548 otherwise than what you had been would have appeared to them to be
2550 -- Lewis Carroll, "Alice in Wonderland"
2552 I went into a bar feeling a little depressed, the bartender said,
2553 "What'll you have, Bud"?
2554 I said," I don't know, surprise me".
2555 So he showed me a nude picture of my wife.
2556 -- Rodney Dangerfield
2558 If I kiss you, that is an psychological interaction.
2559 On the other hand, if I hit you over the head with a brick,
2560 that is also a psychological interaction.
2561 The difference is that one is friendly and the other is not
2563 The crucial point is if you can tell which is which.
2564 -- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot"
2566 If the tao is great, then the operating system is great. If the
2567 operating system is great, then the compiler is great. If the compiler
2568 is great, then the application is great. If the application is great, then
2569 the user is pleased and there is harmony in the world.
2570 The tao gave birth to machine language. Machine language gave birth
2572 The assembler gave birth to the compiler. Now there are ten thousand
2574 Each language has its purpose, however humble. Each language
2575 expresses the yin and yang of software. Each language has its place within
2577 But do not program in Cobol or Fortran if you can help it.
2579 If you do your best the rest of the way, that takes care of
2580 everything. When we get to October 2, we'll add up the wins, and then
2581 we'll either all go into the playoffs, or we'll all go home and play golf.
2582 Both those things sound pretty good to me.
2585 If you rap your knuckles against a window jamb or door, if you
2586 brush your leg against a bed or desk, if you catch your foot in a curled-
2587 up corner of a rug, or strike a toe against a desk or chair, go back and
2588 repeat the sequence.
2589 You will find yourself surprised how far off course you were to
2590 hit that window jamb, that door, that chair. Get back on course and do it
2591 again. How can you pilot a spacecraft if you can't find your way around
2593 -- William S. Burroughs
2595 If you're like most homeowners, you're afraid that many repairs
2596 around your home are too difficult to tackle. So, when your furnace
2597 explodes, you call in a so-called professional to fix it. The
2598 "professional" arrives in a truck with lettering on the sides and
2599 deposits a large quantity of tools and two assistants who spend the
2600 better part of the week in your basement whacking objects at random
2601 with heavy wrenches, after which the "professional" returns and gives
2602 you a bill for slightly more money than it would cost you to run a
2603 successful campaign for the U.S. Senate.
2604 And that's why you've decided to start doing things yourself.
2605 You figure, "If those guys can fix my furnace, then so can I. How
2606 difficult can it be?"
2607 Very difficult. In fact, most home projects are impossible,
2608 which is why you should do them yourself. There is no point in paying
2609 other people to screw things up when you can easily screw them up
2610 yourself for far less money. This article can help you.
2611 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
2613 "I'll tell you what I know, then," he decided. "The pin I'm wearing
2614 means I'm a member of the IA. That's Inamorati Anonymous. An inamorato is
2615 somebody in love. That's the worst addiction of all."
2616 "Somebody is about to fall in love," Oedipa said, "you go sit with
2617 them, or something?"
2618 "Right. The whole idea is to get where you don't need it. I was
2619 lucky. I kicked it young. But there are sixty-year-old men, believe it or
2620 not, and women even older, who might wake up in the night screaming."
2621 "You hold meetings, then, like the AA?"
2622 "No, of course not. You get a phone number, an answering service
2623 you can call. Nobody knows anybody else's name; just the number in case
2624 it gets so bad you can't handle it alone. We're isolates, Arnold. Meetings
2625 would destroy the whole point of it."
2626 -- Thomas Pynchon, "The Crying of Lot 49"
2628 "I'm looking for adventure, excitement, beautiful women," cried the
2629 young man to his father as he prepared to leave home. "Don't try to stop me.
2631 "Who's trying to stop you?" shouted the father. "Take me along!"
2633 I'm sure that VMS is completely documented, I just haven't found the
2634 right manual yet. I've been working my way through the manuals in the document
2635 library and I'm half way through the second cabinet, (3 shelves to go), so I
2636 should find what I'm looking for by mid May. I hope I can remember what it
2637 was by the time I find it.
2638 I had this idea for a new horror film, "VMS Manuals from Hell" or maybe
2639 "The Paper Chase: IBM vs. DEC". It's based on Hitchcock's "The Birds", except
2640 that it's centered around a programmer who is attacked by a swarm of binder
2641 pages with an index number and the single line "This page intentionally left
2645 In a forest a fox bumps into a little rabbit, and says, "Hi,
2646 junior, what are you up to?"
2647 "I'm writing a dissertation on how rabbits eat foxes," said the
2649 "Come now, friend rabbit, you know that's impossible! No one
2650 will publish such rubbish!"
2651 "Well, follow me and I'll show you." They both go into the
2652 rabbit's dwelling and after a while the rabbit emerges with a satisfied
2653 expression on his face.
2654 Comes along a wolf. "Hello, what are we doing these days?"
2655 "I'm writing the second chapter of my thesis, on how rabbits
2657 "Are you crazy? Where is your academic honesty?"
2658 "Come with me and I'll show you." As before, the rabbit comes
2659 out with a satisfied look on his face and a diploma in his paw.
2660 Finally, the camera pans into the rabbit's cave and, as everybody
2661 should have guessed by now, we see a mean-looking, huge lion sitting
2662 next to some bloody and furry remnants of the wolf and the fox.
2664 The moral: It's not the contents of your thesis that are important --
2665 it's your PhD advisor that really counts.
2667 In "King Henry VI, Part II," Shakespeare has Dick Butcher suggest to
2668 his fellow anti-establishment rabble-rousers, "The first thing we do, let's
2669 kill all the lawyers." That action may be extreme but a similar sentiment
2670 was expressed by Thomas K. Connellan, president of The Management Group, Inc.
2671 Speaking to business executives in Chicago and quoted in Automotive News,
2672 Connellan attributed a measure of America's falling productivity to an excess
2673 of attorneys and accountants, and a dearth of production experts. Lawyers
2674 and accountants "do not make the economic pie any bigger; they only figure
2675 out how the pie gets divided. Neither profession provides any added value
2677 According to Connellan, the highly productive Japanese society has
2678 10 lawyers and 30 accountants per 100,000 population. The U.S. has 200
2679 lawyers and 700 accountants. This suggests that "the U.S. proportion of
2680 pie-bakers and pie-dividers is way out of whack." Could Dick Butcher have
2681 been an efficiency expert?
2682 -- Motor Trend, May 1983
2684 In the beginning, God created the Earth and he said, "Let there be
2687 And God said, "Let Us make living creatures out of mud, so the mud
2688 can see what we have done."
2689 And God created every living creature that now moveth, and one was
2690 man. Mud-as-man alone could speak.
2691 "What is the purpose of all this?" man asked politely.
2692 "Everything must have a purpose?" asked God.
2693 "Certainly," said man.
2694 "Then I leave it to you to think of one for all of this," said God.
2696 -- Kurt Vonnegut Jr., "Between Time and Timbuktu"
2698 In the beginning there was data. The data was without form and
2699 null, and darkness was upon the face of the console; and the Spirit of
2700 IBM was moving over the face of the market. And DEC said, "Let there
2701 be registers"; and there were registers. And DEC saw that they
2702 carried; and DEC separated the data from the instructions. DEC called
2703 the data Stack, and the instructions they called Code. And there was
2704 evening and there was morning, one interrupt.
2705 -- Rico Tudor, "The Story of Creation or, The Myth of Urk"
2707 In the beginning there was only one kind of Mathematician, created by
2708 the Great Mathematical Spirit form the Book: the Topologist. And they grew to
2709 large numbers and prospered.
2710 One day they looked up in the heavens and desired to reach up as far
2711 as the eye could see. So they set out in building a Mathematical edifice that
2712 was to reach up as far as "up" went. Further and further up they went ...
2713 until one night the edifice collapsed under the weight of paradox.
2714 The following morning saw only rubble where there once was a huge
2715 structure reaching to the heavens. One by one, the Mathematicians climbed
2716 out from under the rubble. It was a miracle that nobody was killed; but when
2717 they began to speak to one another, SURPRISE of all surprises! they could not
2718 understand each other. They all spoke different languages. They all fought
2719 amongst themselves and each went about their own way. To this day the
2720 Topologists remain the original Mathematicians.
2721 -- The Story of Babel
2723 In the beginning was the Tao. The Tao gave birth to Space and Time.
2724 Therefore, Space and Time are the Yin and Yang of programming.
2726 Programmers that do not comprehend the Tao are always running out of
2727 time and space for their programs. Programmers that comprehend the Tao always
2728 have enough time and space to accomplish their goals.
2729 How could it be otherwise?
2730 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
2732 In the days when Sussman was a novice Minsky once came to him as he
2733 sat hacking at the PDP-6.
2734 "What are you doing?", asked Minsky.
2735 "I am training a randomly wired neural net to play Tic-Tac-Toe."
2736 "Why is the net wired randomly?", inquired Minsky.
2737 "I do not want it to have any preconceptions of how to play".
2738 At this Minsky shut his eyes, and Sussman asked his teacher "Why do
2739 you close your eyes?"
2740 "So that the room will be empty."
2741 At that moment, Sussman was enlightened.
2743 In the east there is a shark which is larger than all other fish. It
2744 changes into a bird whose winds are like clouds filling the sky. When this
2745 bird moves across the land, it brings a message from Corporate Headquarters.
2746 This message it drops into the midst of the programmers, like a seagull
2747 making its mark upon the beach. Then the bird mounts on the wind and, with
2748 the blue sky at its back, returns home.
2749 The novice programmer stares in wonder at the bird, for he understands
2750 it not. The average programmer dreads the coming of the bird, for he fears
2751 its message. The master programmer continues to work at his terminal, for he
2752 does not know that the bird has come and gone.
2753 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
2755 In the morning, laughing, happy fish heads
2756 In the evening, floating in the soup.
2758 Fish heads, fish heads, roly-poly fish heads;
2759 Fish heads, fish heads, eat them up. Yum!
2760 You can ask them anything you want to.
2761 They won't answer; they can't talk.
2763 I took a fish head out to see a movie,
2764 Didn't have to pay to get it in.
2766 They can't play baseball; they don't wear sweaters;
2767 They aren't good dancers; they can't play drums.
2769 Roly-poly fish heads are NEVER seen drinking cappuccino in
2770 Italian restaurants with Oriental women.
2774 -- Barnes & Barnes, "Fish Heads"
2776 "In this replacement Earth we're building they've given me Africa
2777 to do and of course I'm doing it with all fjords again because I happen to
2778 like them, and I'm old-fashioned enough to think that they give a lovely
2779 baroque feel to a continent. And they tell me it's not equatorial enough.
2780 Equatorial!" He gave a hollow laugh. "What does it matter? Science has
2781 achieved some wonderful things, of course, but I'd far rather be happy than
2784 "No. That's where it all falls down, of course."
2785 "Pity," said Arthur with sympathy. "It sounded like quite a good
2786 life-style otherwise."
2787 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
2789 In what can only be described as a surprise move, God has officially
2790 announced His candidacy for the U.S. presidency. During His press conference
2791 today, the first in over 4000 years, He is quoted as saying, "I think I have
2792 a chance for the White House if I can just get my campaign pulled together
2793 in time. I'd like to get this country turned around; I mean REALLY turned
2794 around! Let's put Florida up north for awhile, and let's get rid of all
2795 those annoying mountains and rivers. I never could stand them!"
2796 There apparently is still some controversy over the Almighty's
2797 citizenship and other qualifications for the Presidency. God replied to
2798 these charges by saying, "Come on, would the United States have anyone other
2799 than a citizen bless their country?"
2801 Insofar as I may be heard by anything, which may or may not care
2802 what I say, I ask, if it matters, that you be forgiven for anything you
2803 may have done or failed to do which requires forgiveness. Conversely, if
2804 not forgiveness but something else may be required to ensure any possible
2805 benefit for which you may be eligible after the destruction of your body,
2806 I ask this, whatever it may be, be granted or withheld, as the case may be,
2807 in such a manner as to ensure your receiving said benefit. I ask this in my
2808 capacity as your elected intermediary between yourself and that which may
2809 not be yourself, but which may have an interest in the matter of your
2810 receiving as much as it is possible for you to receive of this thing, and
2811 which may in some way be influenced by this ceremony.
2815 Four be the things I am wiser to know:
2816 Idleness, sorrow, a friend, and a foe.
2818 Four be the things I'd been better without:
2819 Love, curiosity, freckles, and doubt.
2821 Three be the things I shall never attain:
2822 Envy, content, and sufficient champagne.
2824 Three be the things I shall have till I die:
2825 Laughter and hope and a sock in the eye.
2827 It appears that after his death, Albert Einstein found himself
2828 working as the doorkeeper at the Pearly Gates. One slow day, he
2829 found that he had time to chat with the new entrants. To the first one
2830 he asked, "What's your IQ?" The new arrival replied, "190". They
2831 discussed Einstein's theory of relativity for hours. When the second
2832 new arrival came, Einstein once again inquired as to the newcomer's
2833 IQ. The answer this time came "120". To which Einstein replied, "Tell
2834 me, how did the Cubs do this year?" and they proceeded to talk for half
2835 an hour or so. To the final arrival, Einstein once again posed the
2836 question, "What's your IQ?". Upon receiving the answer "70",
2837 Einstein smiled and replied, "Got a minute to tell me about VMS 4.0?"
2839 It is a period of system war. User programs, striking from a hidden
2840 directory, have won their first victory against the evil Administrative Empire.
2841 During the battle, User spies managed to steal secret source code to the
2842 Empire's ultimate program: the Are-Em Star, a privileged root program with
2843 enough power to destroy an entire file structure. Pursued by the Empire's
2844 sinister audit trail, Princess _LPA0 races ~ aboard her shell script,
2845 custodian of the stolen listings that could save her people, and restore
2846 freedom and games to the network...
2849 It is a profoundly erroneous truism, repeated by all copy-books and
2850 by eminent people when they are making speeches, that we should cultivate
2851 the habit of thinking about what we are doing. The precise opposite is the
2852 case. Civilization advances by extending the numbers of important operations
2853 which we can perform without thinking about them. Operations of thought are
2854 like cavalry charges in battle -- they are strictly limited in number, they
2855 require fresh horses, and must only be made at decisive moments.
2856 -- Alfred North Whitehead
2858 It is always preferable to visit home with a friend. Your parents will
2859 not be pleased with this plan, because they want you all to themselves and
2860 because in the presence of your friend, they will have to act like mature
2862 The worst kind of friend to take home is a girl, because in that case,
2863 there is the potential that your parents will lose you not just for the
2864 duration of the visit but forever. The worst kind of girl to take home is one
2865 of a different religion: Not only will you be lost to your parents forever but
2866 you will be lost to a woman who is immune to their religious/moral arguments
2867 and whose example will irretrievably corrupt you.
2868 Let's say you've fallen in love with just such a girl and would like
2869 to take her home for the holidays. You are aware of your parents' xenophobic
2870 response to anyone of a different religion. How to prepare them for the shock?
2871 Simple. Call them up shortly before your visit and tell them that you
2872 have gotten quite serious about somebody who is of a different religion, a
2873 different race and the same sex. Tell them you have already invited this
2874 person to meet them. Give the information a moment to sink in and then
2875 remark that you were only kidding, that your lover is merely of a different
2876 religion. They will be so relieved they will welcome her with open arms.
2877 -- Playboy, January, 1983
2879 It is either through the influence of narcotic potions, of which all
2880 primitive peoples and races speak in hymns, or through the powerful approach
2881 of spring, penetrating with joy all of nature, that those Dionysian stirrings
2882 arise, which in their intensification lead the individual to forget himself
2883 completely. ... Not only does the bond between man and man come to be forged
2884 once again by the magic of the Dionysian rite, but alienated, hostile, or
2885 subjugated nature again celebrates her reconciliation with her prodigal son,
2887 -- Friedrich Nietzsche, "The Birth of Tragedy"
2889 It seems there's this magician working one of the luxury cruise ships
2890 for a few years. He doesn't have to change his routines much as the audiences
2891 change over fairly often, and he's got a good life. The only problem is the
2892 ship's parrot, who perches in the hall and watches him night after night, year
2893 after year. Finally, the parrot figures out how almost every trick works and
2894 starts giving it away for the audience. For example, when the magician makes
2895 a bouquet of flowers disappear, the parrot squawks "Behind his back! Behind
2896 his back!" Well, the magician is really annoyed at this, but there's not much
2897 he can do about it as the parrot is a ship's mascot and very popular with the
2899 One night, the ship strikes some floating debris, and sinks without
2900 a trace. Almost everyone aboard was lost, except for the magician and the
2901 parrot. For three days and nights they just drift, with the magician clinging
2902 to one end of a piece of driftwood and the parrot perched on the other end.
2903 As the sun rises on the morning of the fourth day, the parrot walks over to
2904 the magician's end of the log. With obvious disgust in his voice, he snaps
2905 "OK, you win, I give up. Where did you hide the ship?"
2907 It seems these two guys, George and Harry, set out in a Hot Air
2908 balloon to cross the United States. After forty hours in the air, George
2909 turned to Harry, and said, "Harry, I think we've drifted off course! We
2910 need to find out where we are."
2911 Harry cools the air in the balloon, and they descend to below the
2912 cloud cover. Slowly drifting over the countryside, George spots a man
2913 standing below them and yells out, "Excuse me! Can you please tell me
2915 The man on the ground yells back, "You're in a balloon, approximately
2916 fifty feet in the air!"
2917 George turns to Harry and says, "Well, that man *must* be a lawyer".
2918 Replies Harry, "How can you tell?".
2919 "Because the information he gave us is 100% accurate, and totally
2922 That's the end of The Joke, but for you people who are still worried about
2923 George and Harry: they end up in the drink, and make the front page of the
2924 New York Times: "Balloonists Soaked by Lawyer".
2926 It took 300 years to build and by the time it was 10% built,
2927 everyone knew it would be a total disaster. But by then the investment
2928 was so big they felt compelled to go on. Since its completion, it has
2929 cost a fortune to maintain and is still in danger of collapsing.
2930 There are at present no plans to replace it, since it was never
2931 really needed in the first place.
2932 I expect every installation has its own pet software which is
2933 analogous to the above.
2934 -- K. E. Iverson, on the Leaning Tower of Pisa
2936 It was the next morning that the armies of Twodor marched east
2937 laden with long lances, sharp swords, and death-dealing hangovers. The
2938 thousands were led by Arrowroot, who sat limply in his sidesaddle,
2939 nursing a whopper. Goodgulf, Gimlet, and the rest rode by him, praying
2940 for their fate to be quick, painless, and if possible, someone else's.
2941 Many an hour the armies forged ahead, the war-merinos bleating
2942 under their heavy burdens and the soldiers bleating under their melting
2944 -- The Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings"
2946 Jacek, a Polish schoolboy, is told by his teacher that he has
2947 been chosen to carry the Polish flag in the May Day parade.
2948 "Why me?" whines the boy. "Three years ago I carried the flag
2949 when Brezhnev was the Secretary; then I carried the flag when it was
2950 Andropov's turn, and again when Chernenko was in the Kremlin. Why is
2951 it always me, teacher?"
2952 "Because, Jacek, you have such golden hands," the teacher
2955 -- being told in Poland, 1987
2957 Joan, the rather well-proportioned secretary, spent almost all of
2958 her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit
2959 the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her
2960 way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan. She'd hardly
2961 begun when she heard someone running up the stairs; she was lying on her
2962 stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.
2963 "Excuse me, miss," said the flustered little assistant manager of
2964 the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't
2965 mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your
2966 wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday."
2967 "What difference does it make," Joan asked rather calmly. "No one
2968 can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel."
2969 "Not exactly," said the embarrassed little man. "You're lying on
2970 the dining room skylight."
2972 Leslie West heads for the sticks, to Providence, Rhode Island and
2973 tries to hide behind a beard. No good. There are still too many people
2974 and too many stares, always taunting, always smirking. He moves to the
2975 outskirts of town. He finds a place to live -- huge mansion, dirt cheap,
2976 caretaker included. He plugs in his guitar and plays as loud as he wants,
2977 day and night, and there's no one to laugh or boo or even look bored.
2978 Nobody's cut the grass in months. What's happened to that caretaker?
2979 What neighborhood people there are start to talk, and what kids there are
2980 start to get curious. A 13 year-old blond with an angelic face misses supper.
2981 Before the summer's end, four more teenagers have disappeared. The senior
2982 class president, Barnard-bound come autumn, tells Mom she's going out to a
2983 movie one night and stays out. The town's up in arms, but just before the
2984 police take action, the kids turn up. They've found a purpose. They go
2985 home for their stuff and tell the folks not to worry but they'll be going
2986 now. They're in a band.
2989 Listen, Tyrone, you don't know how dangerous that stuff is.
2990 Suppose someday you just plug in and go away and never come back? Eh?
2991 Ho, ho! Don't I wish! What do you think every electrofreak
2992 dreams about? You're such an old fuddyduddy! A-and who sez it's a
2993 dream, huh? M-maybe it exists. Maybe there is a Machine to take us
2994 away, take us completely, suck us out through the electrodes out of
2995 the skull 'n' into the Machine and live there forever with all the
2996 other souls it's got stored there. It could decide who it would suck
2997 out, a-and when. Dope never gave you immortality. You hadda come
2998 back, every time, into a dying hunk of smelly meat! But We can live
2999 forever, in a clean, honest, purified, Electroworld.
3000 -- Thomas Pynchon, "Gravity's Rainbow"
3002 Long ago, in a finite state far away, there lived a JOVIAL
3003 character named Jack. Jack and his relations were poor. Often their
3004 hash table was bare. One day Jack's parent said to him, "Our matrices
3005 are sparse. You must go to the market to exchange our RAM for some
3006 BASICs." She compiled a linked list of items to retrieve and passed it
3008 So Jack set out. But as he was walking along a Hamilton path,
3009 he met the traveling salesman.
3010 "Whither dost thy flow chart take thou?" prompted the salesman
3011 in high-level language.
3012 "I'm going to the market to exchange this RAM for some chips
3013 and Apples," commented Jack.
3014 "I have a much better algorithm. You needn't join a queue
3015 there; I will swap your RAM for these magic kernels now."
3016 Jack made the trade, then backtracked to his house. But when
3017 he told his busy-waiting parent of the deal, she became so angry she
3019 "Don't you even have any artificial intelligence? All these
3020 kernels together hardly make up one byte," and she popped them out the
3022 -- Mark Isaak, "Jack and the Beanstack"
3024 Looking for a cool one after a long, dusty ride, the drifter strode
3025 into the saloon. As he made his way through the crowd to the bar, a man
3026 galloped through town screaming, "Big Mike's comin'! Run fer yer lives!"
3027 Suddenly, the saloon doors burst open. An enormous man, standing over
3028 eight feet tall and weighing an easy 400 pounds, rode in on a bull, using a
3029 rattlesnake for a whip. Grabbing the drifter by the arm and throwing him over
3030 the bar, the giant thundered, "Gimme a drink!"
3031 The terrified man handed over a bottle of whiskey, which the man
3032 guzzled in one gulp and then smashed on the bar. He then stood aghast as
3033 the man stuffed the broken bottle in his mouth, munched broken glass and
3034 smacked his lips with relish.
3035 "Can I, ah, uh, get you another, sir?" the drifter stammered.
3036 "Naw, I gotta git outta here, boy," the man grunted. "Big Mike's
3041 My love is like an iron wand
3042 That conks me on the head,
3043 My love is like the valium
3044 That I take before my bed,
3045 My love is like the pint of scotch
3046 That I drink when I be dry;
3047 And I shall love thee still, my dear,
3048 Until my wife is wise.
3050 Max told his friend that he'd just as soon not go hiking in the hills.
3051 Said he, "I'm an anti-climb Max."
3053 Most of what I really need to know about how to live, and what to do,
3054 and how to be, I learned in kindergarten. Wisdom was not at the top of the
3055 graduate school mountain but there in the sandbox at nursery school.
3056 These are the things I learned: Share everything. Play fair. Don't
3057 hit people. Put things back where you found them. Clean up your own mess.
3058 Don't take things that aren't yours. Say you're sorry when you hurt someone.
3059 Wash your hands before you eat. Flush. Warm cookies and cold milk are good
3060 for you. Live a balanced life. Learn some and think some and draw and paint
3061 and sing and dance and play and work some every day.
3062 Take a nap every afternoon. When you go out into the world, watch for
3063 traffic, hold hands, and stick together. Be aware of wonder. Remember the
3064 little seed in the plastic cup. The roots go down and the plant goes up and
3065 nobody really knows how or why, but we are all like that. Goldfish and
3066 hamsters and white mice and even the little seed in the plastic cup -- they all
3068 And then remember the book about Dick and Jane and the first word you
3069 learned, the biggest word of all: LOOK. Everything you need to know is in
3070 there somewhere. The Golden Rule and love and basic sanitation. Ecology and
3071 politics and sane living.
3072 Think of what a better world it would be if we all -- the whole world
3073 -- had cookies and milk about 3 o'clock every afternoon and then lay down with
3074 our blankets for a nap. Or if we had a basic policy in our nation and other
3075 nations to always put things back where we found them and cleaned up our own
3076 messes. And it is still true, no matter how old you are, when you go out into
3077 the world it is best to hold hands and stick together.
3078 -- Robert Fulghum, "All I ever really needed to know I learned
3081 Most of what I really need to know about how to live, and what to
3082 do, and how to be, I learned in kindergarten. Wisdom was not at the top
3083 of the graduate school mountain, but there in the sandbox at nursery school.
3084 These are the things I learned: Share everything. Play fair.
3085 Don't hit people. Put things back where you found them. Clean up your
3086 own mess. Don't take things that aren't yours. Say you're sorry when you
3087 hurt someone. Wash your hands before you eat. Flush. Warm cookies and
3088 cold milk are good for you. Live a balanced life. Learn some and think
3089 some and draw and paint and sing and dance and play and work every day
3091 Take a nap every afternoon. When you go out into the world, watch
3092 for traffic, hold hands, and stick together. Be aware of wonder. Remember
3093 the little seed in the plastic cup. The roots go down and the plant goes
3094 up and nobody really knows why, but we are all like that.
3096 Think of what a better world it would be if we all -- the whole
3097 world -- had cookies and milk about 3 o'clock every afternoon and then lay
3098 down with our blankets for a nap. Or if we had a basic policy in our nation
3099 and other nations to always put things back where we found them and cleaned
3100 up our own messes. And it is still true, no matter how old you are, when
3101 you go out into the world, it is best to hold hands and stick together.
3104 Mother seemed pleased by my draft notice. "Just think of all the
3105 people in England, they've chosen you, it's a great honour, son."
3106 Laughingly I felled her with a right cross.
3109 Moving along a dimly light street, a man I know was suddenly
3110 approached by a stranger who had slipped from the shadows nearby.
3111 "Please, sir," pleaded the stranger, "would you be so kind as
3112 to help a poor unfortunate fellow who is hungry and can't find work?
3113 All I have in the world is this gun."
3115 Mr. Jones related an incident from "some time back" when IBM Canada
3116 Ltd. of Markham, Ont., ordered some parts from a new supplier in Japan. The
3117 company noted in its order that acceptable quality allowed for 1.5 per cent
3118 defects (a fairly high standard in North America at the time).
3119 The Japanese sent the order, with a few parts packaged separately in
3120 plastic. The accompanying letter said: "We don't know why you want 1.5 per
3121 cent defective parts, but for your convenience, we've packed them separately."
3122 -- Excerpted from an article in The (Toronto) Globe and Mail
3124 Murray and Esther, a middle-aged Jewish couple, are touring
3125 Chile. Murray just got a new camera and is constantly snapping
3126 pictures. One day, without knowing it, he photographs a top-secret
3127 military installation. In an instant, armed troops surround Murray and
3128 Esther and hustle them off to prison.
3129 They can't prove who they are because they've left their
3130 passports in their hotel room. For three weeks they're tortured day
3131 and night to get them to name their contacts in the liberation
3132 movement... Finally they're hauled in front of a military court,
3133 charged with espionage, and sentenced to death.
3134 The next morning they're lined up in front of the wall where
3135 they'll be shot. The sergeant in charge of the firing squad asks them
3136 if they have any last requests. Esther wants to know if she can call
3137 her daughter in Chicago. The sergeant says he's sorry, that's not
3138 possible, and turns to Murray.
3139 "This is crazy!" Murray shouts. "We're not spies!" And he
3140 spits in the sergeants face.
3141 "Murray!" Esther cries. "Please! Don't make trouble."
3142 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
3144 My friends, I am here to tell you of the wondrous continent known as
3145 Africa. Well we left New York drunk and early on the morning of February 31.
3146 We were 15 days on the water, and 3 on the boat when we finally arrived in
3147 Africa. Upon our arrival we immediately set up a rigorous schedule: Up at
3148 6:00, breakfast, and back in bed by 7:00. Pretty soon we were back in bed by
3149 6:30. Now Africa is full of big game. The first day I shot two bucks. That
3150 was the biggest game we had. Africa is primarily inhabited by Elks, Moose
3151 and Knights of Pithiests.
3152 The elks live up in the mountains and come down once a year for their
3153 annual conventions. And you should see them gathered around the water hole,
3154 which they leave immediately when they discover it's full of water. They
3155 weren't looking for a water hole. They were looking for an alck hole.
3156 One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas, how he got in my
3157 pajamas, I don't know. Then we tried to remove the tusks. That's a tough
3158 word to say, tusks. As I said we tried to remove the tusks, but they were
3159 embedded so firmly we couldn't get them out. But in Alabama the Tusks are
3160 looser, but that is totally irrelephant to what I was saying.
3161 We took some pictures of the native girls, but they weren't developed.
3162 So we're going back in a few years...
3165 My message is not that biological determinists were bad scientists or
3166 even that they were always wrong. Rather, I believe that science must be
3167 understood as a social phenomenon, a gutsy, human enterprise, not the work of
3168 robots programmed to collect pure information. I also present this view as
3169 an upbeat for science, not as a gloomy epitaph for a noble hope sacrificed on
3170 the alter of human limitations.
3171 I believe that a factual reality exists and that science, though often
3172 in an obtuse and erratic manner, can learn about it. Galileo was not shown
3173 the instruments of torture in an abstract debate about lunar motion. He had
3174 threatened the Church's conventional argument for social and doctrinal
3175 stability: the static world order with planets circling about a central
3176 earth, priests subordinate to the Pope and serfs to their lord. But the
3177 Church soon made its peace with Galileo's cosmology. They had no choice; the
3178 earth really does revolve about the sun.
3179 -- S. J. Gould, "The Mismeasure of Man"
3181 "My mother," said the sweet young steno, "says there are some things
3182 a girl should not do before twenty."
3183 "Your mother is right," said the executive, "I don't like a large
3186 n = ((n >> 1) & 0x55555555) | ((n << 1) & 0xaaaaaaaa);
3187 n = ((n >> 2) & 0x33333333) | ((n << 2) & 0xcccccccc);
3188 n = ((n >> 4) & 0x0f0f0f0f) | ((n << 4) & 0xf0f0f0f0);
3189 n = ((n >> 8) & 0x00ff00ff) | ((n << 8) & 0xff00ff00);
3190 n = ((n >> 16) & 0x0000ffff) | ((n << 16) & 0xffff0000);
3192 -- Reverse the bits in a word.
3194 n = (n & 0x55555555) + ((n & 0xaaaaaaaa) >> 1);
3195 n = (n & 0x33333333) + ((n & 0xcccccccc) >> 2);
3196 n = (n & 0x0f0f0f0f) + ((n & 0xf0f0f0f0) >> 4);
3197 n = (n & 0x00ff00ff) + ((n & 0xff00ff00) >> 8);
3198 n = (n & 0x0000ffff) + ((n & 0xffff0000) >> 16);
3200 -- Count the bits in a word.
3202 Never ask your lover if he'd dive in front of an oncoming train for
3203 you. He doesn't know. Never ask your lover if she'd dive in front of an
3204 oncoming band of Hell's Angels for you. She doesn't know. Never ask how many
3205 cigarettes your lover has smoked today. Cancer is a personal commitment.
3206 Never ask to see pictures of your lover's former lovers -- especially
3207 the ones who dived in front of trains. If you look like one of them, you are
3208 repeating history's mistakes. If you don't, you'll wonder what he or she saw
3210 While we are on the subject of pictures: You may admire the picture
3211 of your lover cavorting naked in a tidal pool on Maui. Don't ask who took
3212 it. The answer is obvious. A Japanese tourist took the picture.
3213 Never ask if your lover has had therapy. Only people who have had
3214 therapy ask if people have had therapy.
3215 Don't ask about plaster casts of male sex organs marked JIMI, JIM, etc.
3216 Assume that she bought them at a flea market.
3217 -- James Peterson and Kate Nolan
3219 NEW YORK-- Kraft Foods, Inc. announced today that its board of
3220 directors unanimously rejected the $11 billion takeover bid by Philip
3221 Morris and Co. A Kraft spokesman stated in a press conference that the
3222 offer was rejected because the $90-per-share bid did not reflect the
3223 true value of the company.
3224 Wall Street insiders, however, tell quite a different story.
3225 Apparently, the Kraft board of directors had all but signed the takeover
3226 agreement when they learned of Philip Morris' marketing plans for one of
3227 their major Middle East subsidiaries. To a person, the board voted to
3228 reject the bid when they discovered that the tobacco giant intended to
3229 reorganize Israeli Cheddar, Ltd., and name the new company Cheeses of
3232 "No, I understand now," Auberon said, calm in the woods -- it was so
3233 simple, really. "I didn't, for a long time, but I do now. You just can't
3234 hold people, you can't own them. I mean it's only natural, a natural process
3235 really. Meet. Love. Part. Life goes on. There was never any reason to
3236 expect her to stay always the same -- I mean `in love,' you know." There were
3237 those doubt-quotes of Smoky's, heavily indicated. "I don't hold a grudge. I
3239 "You do," Grandfather Trout said. "And you don't understand."
3240 -- Little, Big, "John Crowley"
3242 No violence, gentlemen -- no violence, I beg of you! Consider
3246 Now she speaks rapidly. "Do you know *why* you want to program?"
3247 He shakes his head. He hasn't the faintest idea.
3248 "For the sheer *joy* of programming!" she cries triumphantly.
3249 "The joy of the parent, the artist, the craftsman. "You take a program,
3250 born weak and impotent as a dimly-realized solution. You nurture the
3251 program and guide it down the right path, building, watching it grow ever
3252 stronger. Sometimes you paint with tiny strokes, a keystroke added here,
3253 a keystroke changed there." She sweeps her arm in a wide arc. "And other
3254 times you savage whole *blocks* of code, ripping out the program's very
3255 *essence*, then beginning anew. But always building, creating, filling the
3256 program with your own personal stamp, your own quirks and nuances. Watching
3257 the program grow stronger, patching it when it crashes, until finally it can
3258 stand alone -- proud, powerful, and perfect. This is the programmer's finest
3259 hour!" Softly at first, then louder, he hears the strains of a Sousa march.
3260 "This ... this is your canvas! your clay! Go forth and create a masterwork!"
3262 Now, you might ask, "How do I get one of those complete home
3263 tool sets for under $4?" An excellent question.
3264 Go to one of those really cheap discount stores where they sell
3265 plastic furniture in colors visible from the planet Neptune and where
3266 they have a food section specializing in cardboard cartons full of
3267 Raisinets and malted milk balls manufactured during the Nixon
3268 administration. In either the hardware or housewares department,
3269 you'll find an item imported from an obscure Oriental country and
3270 described as "Nine Tools in One", consisting of a little handle with
3271 interchangeable ends representing inscrutable Oriental notions of tools
3272 that Americans might use around the home. Buy it.
3273 This is the kind of tool set professionals use. Not only is it
3274 inexpensive, but it also has a great safety feature not found in the
3275 so-called quality tools sets: The handle will actually break right off
3276 if you accidentally hit yourself or anything else, or expose it to
3278 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
3280 Obviously the subject of death was in the air, but more as something
3281 to be avoided than harped upon.
3282 Possibly the horror that Zaphod experienced at the prospect of being
3283 reunited with his deceased relatives led on to the thought that they might
3284 just feel the same way about him and, what's more, be able to do something
3285 about helping to postpone this reunion.
3288 "Oh sure, this costume may look silly, but it lets me get in and out
3289 of dangerous situations -- I work for a federal task force doing a survey on
3290 urban crime. Look, here's my ID, and here's a number you can call, that will
3291 put you through to our central base in Atlanta. Go ahead, call -- they'll
3293 "Unless, of course, the Astro-Zombies have destroyed it."
3296 Old Barlow was a crossing-tender at a junction where an express train
3297 demolished an automobile and its occupants. Being the chief witness, his
3298 testimony was vitally important. Barlow explained that the night was dark,
3299 and he waved his lantern frantically, but the driver of the car paid
3300 no attention to the signal.
3301 The railroad company won the case, and the president of the company
3302 complimented the old-timer for his story. "You did wonderfully," he said,
3303 "I was afraid you would waver under testimony."
3304 "No sir," exclaimed the senior, "but I sure was afraid that durned
3305 lawyer was gonna ask me if my lantern was lit."
3307 On his first day as a bus driver, Maxey Eckstein handed in
3308 receipts of $65. The next day his take was $67. The third day's
3309 income was $62. But on the fourth day, Eckstein emptied no less than
3310 $283 on the desk before the cashier.
3311 "Eckstein!" exclaimed the cashier. "This is fantastic. That
3312 route never brought in money like this! What happened?"
3313 "Well, after three days on that cockamamie route, I figured
3314 business would never improve, so I drove over to Fourteenth Street and
3315 worked there. I tell you, that street is a gold mine!"
3317 On the day of his anniversary, Joe was frantically shopping
3318 around for a present for his wife. He knew what she wanted, a
3319 grandfather clock for the living room, but he found the right one
3320 almost impossible to find. Finally, after many hours of searching, Joe
3321 found just the clock he wanted, but the store didn't deliver. Joe,
3322 desperate, paid the shopkeeper, hoisted the clock onto his back, and
3323 staggered out onto the sidewalk. On the way home, he passed a bar.
3324 Just as he reached the door, a drunk stumbled out and crashed into Joe,
3325 sending himself, Joe, and the clock into the gutter. Murphy's law
3326 being in effect, the clock ended up in roughly a thousand pieces.
3327 "You stupid drunk!" screamed Joe, jumping up from the
3328 wreckage. "Why don't you look where the hell you're going!"
3329 With quiet dignity the drunk stood up somewhat unsteadily and
3330 dusted himself off. "And why don't you just wear a wristwatch like a
3333 On the occasion of Nero's 25th birthday, he arrived at the Colosseum
3334 to find that the Praetorian Guard had prepared a treat for him in the arena.
3335 There stood 25 naked virgins, like candles on a cake, tied to poles, burning
3336 alive. "Wonderful!" exclaimed the deranged emperor, "but one of them isn't
3337 dead yet. I can see her lips moving. Go quickly and find out what she is
3339 The centurion saluted, and hurried out to the virgin, getting as near
3340 the flames as he dared, and listened intently. Then he turned and ran back
3341 to the imperial box. "She is not talking," he reported to Nero, "she is
3343 "Singing?" said the astounded emperor. "Singing what?"
3344 "Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you..."
3346 On the other hand, the TCP camp also has a phrase for OSI people.
3347 There are lots of phrases. My favorite is `nitwit' -- and the rationale
3348 is the Internet philosophy has always been you have extremely bright,
3349 non-partisan researchers look at a topic, do world-class research, do
3350 several competing implementations, have a bake-off, determine what works
3351 best, write it down and make that the standard.
3352 The OSI view is entirely opposite. You take written contributions
3353 from a much larger community, you put the contributions in a room of
3354 committee people with, quite honestly, vast political differences and all
3355 with their own political axes to grind, and four years later you get
3356 something out, usually without it ever having been implemented once.
3357 So the Internet perspective is implement it, make it work well,
3358 then write it down, whereas the OSI perspective is to agree on it, write
3359 it down, circulate it a lot and now we'll see if anyone can implement it
3360 after it's an international standard and every vendor in the world is
3361 committed to it. One of those processes is backwards, and I don't think
3362 it takes a Lucasian professor of physics at Oxford to figure out which.
3363 -- Marshall Rose, "The Pied Piper of OSI"
3365 On this morning in August when I was 13, my mother sent us out pick
3366 tomatoes. Back in April I'd have killed for a fresh tomato, but in August
3367 they are no more rare or wonderful than rocks. So I picked up one and threw
3368 it at a crab apple tree, where it made a good *splat*, and then threw a tomato
3369 at my brother. He whipped one back at me. We ducked down by the vines,
3370 heaving tomatoes at each other. My sister, who was a good person, said,
3371 "You're going to get it." She bent over and kept on picking.
3372 What a target! She was 17, a girl with big hips, and bending over,
3373 she looked like the side of a barn.
3374 I picked up a tomato so big it sat on the ground. It looked like it
3375 had sat there a week. The underside was brown, small white worms lived in it,
3376 and it was very juicy. I stood up and took aim, and went into the windup,
3377 when my mother at the kitchen window called my name in a sharp voice. I had
3378 to decide quickly. I decided.
3379 A rotten Big Boy hitting the target is a memorable sound, like a fat
3380 man doing a belly-flop. With a whoop and a yell the tomatoee came after me
3381 faster than I knew she could run, and grabbed my shirt and was about to brain
3382 me when Mother called her name in a sharp voice. And my sister, who was a
3383 good person, obeyed and let go -- and burst into tears. I guess she knew that
3384 the pleasure of obedience is pretty thin compared with the pleasure of hearing
3385 a rotten tomato hit someone in the rear end.
3386 -- Garrison Keillor, "Lake Wobegon Days"
3388 Once again we find ourselves enmeshed in The Holiday Season, that very
3389 special time of year when we join with our loved ones in sharing centuries-old
3390 traditions such as trying to find a parking space at the mall. We
3391 traditionally do this in my family by driving around the parking lot until we
3392 see a shopper emerge from the mall. Then we follow her, in very much the same
3393 spirit as the Three Wise Men, who, 2,000 years ago, followed a star, week after
3394 week, until it led them to a parking space.
3395 We try to keep our bumper about 4 inches from the shopper's calves, to
3396 let the other circling cars know that she belongs to us. Sometimes, two cars
3397 will get into a fight over whom the shopper belongs to, similar to the way
3398 great white sharks will fight over who gets to eat a snorkeler. So, we follow
3399 our shopper closely, hunched over the steering wheel, whistling "It's Beginning
3400 to Look a Lot Like Christmas" through our teeth, until we arrive at her car,
3401 which is usually parked several time zones away from the mall. Sometimes our
3402 shopper tries to indicate she was merely planning to drop off some packages and
3403 go back to shopping. But, when she hears our engine rev in a festive fashion
3404 and sees the holiday gleam in our eyes, she realizes she would never make it.
3405 -- Dave Barry, "Holiday Joy -- Or, the Great Parking Lot
3408 Once there lived a village of creatures along the bottom of a great
3409 crystal river. Each creature in its own manner clung tightly to the twigs
3410 and rocks of the river bottom, for clinging was their way of life, and
3411 resisting the current what each had learned from birth. But one creature
3412 said at last, "I trust that the current knows where it is going. I shall
3413 let go, and let it take me where it will. Clinging, I shall die of boredom."
3414 The other creatures laughed and said, "Fool! Let go, and that current
3415 you worship will throw you tumbled and smashed across the rocks, and you will
3416 die quicker than boredom!"
3417 But the one heeded them not, and taking a breath did let go, and at
3418 once was tumbled and smashed by the current across the rocks. Yet, in time,
3419 as the creature refused to cling again, the current lifted him free from the
3420 bottom, and he was bruised and hurt no more.
3421 And the creatures downstream, to whom he was a stranger, cried, "See
3422 a miracle! A creature like ourselves, yet he flies! See the Messiah, come
3423 to save us all!" And the one carried in the current said, "I am no more
3424 Messiah than you. The river delight to lift us free, if only we dare let go.
3425 Our true work is this voyage, this adventure.
3426 But they cried the more, "Saviour!" all the while clinging to the
3427 rocks, making legends of a Saviour.
3430 Once there lived a village of creatures along the bottom of a
3431 great crystal river. Each creature in its own manner clung tightly to
3432 the twigs and rocks of the river bottom, for clinging was their way of
3433 life, and resisting the current what each had learned from birth. But
3434 one creature said at last, "I trust that the current knows where it is
3435 going. I shall let go, and let it take me where it will. Clinging, I
3436 shall die of boredom."
3437 The other creatures laughed and said, "Fool! Let go, and that
3438 current you worship will throw you tumbled and smashed across the
3439 rocks, and you will die quicker than boredom!"
3440 But the one heeded them not, and taking a breath did let go,
3441 and at once was tumbled and smashed by the current across the rocks.
3442 Yet, in time, as the creature refused to cling again, the current
3443 lifted him free from the bottom, and he was bruised and hurt no more.
3444 And the creatures downstream, to whom he was a stranger, cried,
3445 "See a miracle! A creature like ourselves, yet he flies! See the
3446 Messiah, come to save us all!" And the one carried in the current
3447 said, "I am no more Messiah than you. The river delight to lift us
3448 free, if only we dare let go. Our true work is this voyage, this
3450 But they cried the more, "Saviour!" all the while clinging to
3451 the rocks, making legends of a Saviour.
3453 Once there was a marine biologist who loved dolphins. He spent his
3454 time trying to feed and protect his beloved creatures of the sea. One day,
3455 in a fit of inventive genius, he came up with a serum that would make
3456 dolphins live forever!
3457 Of course he was ecstatic. But he soon realized that in order to mass
3458 produce this serum he would need large amounts of a certain compound that was
3459 only found in nature in the metabolism of a rare South American bird. Carried
3460 away by his love for dolphins, he resolved that he would go to the zoo and
3461 steal one of these birds.
3462 Unbeknownst to him, as he was arriving at the zoo an elderly lion was
3463 escaping from its cage. The zookeepers were alarmed and immediately began
3464 combing the zoo for the escaped animal, unaware that it had simply lain down
3465 on the sidewalk and had gone to sleep.
3466 Meanwhile, the marine biologist arrived at the zoo and procured his
3467 bird. He was so excited by the prospect of helping his dolphins that he
3468 stepped absentmindedly stepped over the sleeping lion on his way back to his
3469 car. Immediately, 1500 policemen converged on him and arrested him for
3470 transporting a myna across a staid lion for immortal porpoises.
3472 Once upon a time there was a beautiful young girl taking a stroll
3473 through the woods. All at once she saw an extremely ugly bull frog seated
3474 on a log and to her amazement the frog spoke to her. "Maiden," croaked the
3475 frog, "would you do me a favor? This will be hard for you to believe, but
3476 I was once a handsome, charming prince and then a mean, ugly old witch cast
3477 a spell over me and turned me into a frog."
3478 "Oh, what a pity!", exclaimed the girl. "I'll do anything I can to
3479 help you break such a spell."
3480 "Well," replied the frog, "the only way that this spell can be
3481 taken away is for some lovely young woman to take me home and let me spend
3482 the night under her pillow."
3483 The young girl took the ugly frog home and placed him beneath her
3484 pillow that night when she retired. When she awoke the next morning, sure
3485 enough, there beside her in bed was a very young, handsome man, clearly of
3486 royal blood. And so they lived happily ever after, except that to this day
3487 her father and mother still don't believe her story.
3489 Once upon a time, there was a fisherman who lived by a great river.
3490 One day, after a hard day's fishing, he hooked what seemed to him to be the
3491 biggest, strongest fish he had ever caught. He fought with it for hours,
3492 until, finally, he managed to bring it to the surface. Looking of the edge
3493 of the boat, he saw the head of this huge fish breaking the surface. Smiling
3494 with pride, he reached over the edge to pull the fish up. Unfortunately, he
3495 accidentally caught his watch on the edge, and, before he knew it, there was a
3496 snap, and his watch tumbled into the water next to the fish with a loud
3497 "sploosh!" Distracted by this shiny object, the fish made a sudden lunge,
3498 simultaneously snapping the line, and swallowing the watch. Sadly, the
3499 fisherman stared into the water, and then began the slow trip back home.
3500 Many years later, the fisherman, now an old man, was working in a
3501 boring assembly-line job in a large city. He worked in a fish-processing
3502 plant. It was his job, as each fish passed under his hands, to chop off their
3503 heads, readying them for the next phase in processing. This monotonous task
3504 went on for years, the dull *thud* of the cleaver chopping of each head being
3505 his entire world, day after day, week after weary week. Well, one day, as he
3506 was chopping fish, he happened to notice that the fish coming towards him on
3507 the line looked very familiar. Yes, yes, it looked... could it be the fish
3508 he had lost on that day so many years ago? He trembled with anticipation as
3509 his cleaver came down. IT STRUCK SOMETHING HARD! IT WAS HIS THUMB!
3511 Once upon a time, there were five blind men who had the opportunity
3512 to experience an elephant for the first time. One approached the elephant,
3513 and, upon encountering one of its sturdy legs, stated, "Ah, an elephant is
3514 like a tree." The second, after exploring the trunk, said, "No, an elephant
3515 is like a strong hose." The third, grasping the tail, said "Fool! An elephant
3516 is like a rope!" The fourth, holding an ear, stated, "No, more like a fan."
3517 And the fifth, leaning against the animal's side, said, "An elephant is like
3518 a wall." The five then began to argue loudly about who had the more accurate
3519 perception of the elephant.
3520 The elephant, tiring of all this abuse, suddenly reared up and
3521 attacked the men. He continued to trample them until they were nothing but
3522 bloody lumps of flesh. Then, strolling away, the elephant remarked, "It just
3523 goes to show that you can't depend on first impressions. When I first saw
3524 them I didn't think they they'd be any fun at all."
3526 Once upon a time there were three brothers who were knights
3527 in a certain kingdom. And, there was a Princess in a neighboring kingdom
3528 who was of marriageable age. Well, one day, in full armour, their horses,
3529 and their page, the three brothers set off to see if one of them could
3530 win her hand. The road was long and there were many obstacles along the
3531 way, robbers to be overcome, hard terrain to cross. As they coped with
3532 each obstacle they became more and more disgusted with their page. He was
3533 not only inept, he was a coward, he could not handle the horses, he was,
3534 in short, a complete flop. When they arrived at the court of the kingdom,
3535 they found that they were expected to present the Princess with some
3536 treasure. The two older brothers were discouraged, since they had not
3537 thought of this and were unprepared. The youngest, however, had the
3538 answer: Promise her anything, but give her our page.
3540 Once, when the secrets of science were the jealously guarded property
3541 of a small priesthood, the common man had no hope of mastering their arcane
3542 complexities. Years of study in musty classrooms were prerequisite to
3543 obtaining even a dim, incoherent knowledge of science.
3544 Today all that has changed: a dim, incoherent knowledge of science is
3545 available to anyone.
3546 -- Tom Weller, "Science Made Stupid"
3548 One day a student came to Moon and said, "I understand how to make
3549 a better garbage collector. We must keep a reference count of the pointers
3551 Moon patiently told the student the following story -- "One day a
3552 student came to Moon and said, "I understand how to make a better garbage
3555 One day it was announced that the young monk Kyogen had reached
3556 an enlightened state. Much impressed by this news, several of his peers
3557 went to speak with him.
3558 "We have heard that you are enlightened. Is this true?" his fellow
3560 "It is", Kyogen answered.
3561 "Tell us", said a friend, "how do you feel?"
3562 "As miserable as ever", replied the enlightened Kyogen.
3564 One evening he spoke. Sitting at her feet, his face raised to her,
3565 he allowed his soul to be heard. "My darling, anything you wish, anything
3566 I am, anything I can ever be... That's what I want to offer you -- not the
3567 things I'll get for you, but the thing in me that will make me able to get
3568 them. That thing -- a man can't renounce it -- but I want to renounce it --
3569 so that it will be yours -- so that it will be in your service -- only for
3571 The girl smiled and asked: "Do you think I'm prettier than Maggie
3573 He got up. He said nothing and walked out of the house. He never
3574 saw that girl again. Gail Wynand, who prided himself on never needing a
3575 lesson twice, did not fall in love again in the years that followed.
3576 -- Ayn Rand, "The Fountainhead"
3578 One fine day, the bus driver went to the bus garage, started his bus,
3579 and drove off along the route. No problems for the first few stops -- a few
3580 people got on, a few got off, and things went generally well. At the next
3581 stop, however, a big hulk of a guy got on. Six feet eight, built like a
3582 wrestler, arms hanging down to the ground. He glared at the driver and said,
3583 "Big John doesn't pay!" and sat down at the back.
3584 Did I mention that the driver was five feet three, thin, and basically
3585 meek? Well, he was. Naturally, he didn't argue with Big John, but he wasn't
3586 happy about it. Well, the next day the same thing happened -- Big John got on
3587 again, made a show of refusing to pay, and sat down. And the next day, and the
3588 one after that, and so forth. This grated on the bus driver, who started
3589 losing sleep over the way Big John was taking advantage of him. Finally he
3590 could stand it no longer. He signed up for bodybuilding courses, karate, judo,
3591 and all that good stuff. By the end of the summer, he had become quite strong;
3592 what's more, he felt really good about himself.
3593 So on the next Monday, when Big John once again got on the bus
3594 and said "Big John doesn't pay!," the driver stood up, glared back at the
3595 passenger, and screamed, "And why not?"
3596 With a surprised look on his face, Big John replied, "Big John has a
3599 One night the captain of a tanker saw a light dead ahead. He
3600 directed his signalman to flash a signal to the light which went...
3601 "Change course 10 degrees South."
3602 The reply was quickly flashed back...
3603 "You change course 10 degrees North."
3604 The captain was a little annoyed at this reply and sent a further
3606 "I am a captain. Change course 10 degrees South."
3607 Back came the reply...
3608 "I am an able-seaman. Change course 10 degrees North."
3609 The captain was outraged at this reply and send a message....
3610 "I am a 240,000 tonne tanker. CHANGE course 10 degrees South!"
3611 Back came the reply...
3612 "I am a LIGHTHOUSE. Change course 10 degrees North!!!!"
3613 -- Cruising Helmsman, "On The Right Course"
3615 One of the questions that comes up all the time is: How enthusiastic
3616 is our support for UNIX?
3617 Unix was written on our machines and for our machines many years ago.
3618 Today, much of UNIX being done is done on our machines. Ten percent of our
3619 VAXs are going for UNIX use. UNIX is a simple language, easy to understand,
3620 easy to get started with. It's great for students, great for somewhat casual
3621 users, and it's great for interchanging programs between different machines.
3622 And so, because of its popularity in these markets, we support it. We have
3623 good UNIX on VAX and good UNIX on PDP-11s.
3624 It is our belief, however, that serious professional users will run
3625 out of things they can do with UNIX. They'll want a real system and will end
3626 up doing VMS when they get to be serious about programming.
3627 With UNIX, if you're looking for something, you can easily and quickly
3628 check that small manual and find out that it's not there. With VMS, no matter
3629 what you look for -- it's literally a five-foot shelf of documentation -- if
3630 you look long enough it's there. That's the difference -- the beauty of UNIX
3631 is it's simple; and the beauty of VMS is that it's all there.
3632 -- Ken Olsen, president of DEC, DECWORLD Vol. 8 No. 5, 1984
3633 [It's been argued that the beauty of UNIX is the same as the beauty of Ken
3636 One of the questions that comes up all the time is: How
3637 enthusiastic is our support for UNIX?
3638 Unix was written on our machines and for our machines many
3639 years ago. Today, much of UNIX being done is done on our machines.
3640 Ten percent of our VAXs are going for UNIX use. UNIX is a simple
3641 language, easy to understand, easy to get started with. It's great for
3642 students, great for somewhat casual users, and it's great for
3643 interchanging programs between different machines. And so, because of
3644 its popularity in these markets, we support it. We have good UNIX on
3645 VAX and good UNIX on PDP-11s.
3646 It is our belief, however, that serious professional users will
3647 run out of things they can do with UNIX. They'll want a real system and
3648 will end up doing VMS when they get to be serious about programming.
3649 With UNIX, if you're looking for something, you can easily and
3650 quickly check that small manual and find out that it's not there. With
3651 VMS, no matter what you look for -- it's literally a five-foot shelf of
3652 documentation -- if you look long enough it's there. That's the
3653 difference -- the beauty of UNIX is it's simple; and the beauty of VMS
3654 is that it's all there.
3655 -- Ken Olsen, President of DEC, 1984
3658 ...a report citing a study by Dr. Thomas C. Chalmers, of the Mount Sinai
3659 Medical Center in New York, which compared two groups that were being used
3660 to test the theory that ascorbic acid is a cold preventative. "The group
3661 on placebo who thought they were on ascorbic acid," says Dr. Chalmers,
3662 "had fewer colds than the group on ascorbic acid who thought they were
3665 The placebo is proof that there is no real separation between mind and body.
3666 Illness is always an interaction between both. It can begin in the mind and
3667 affect the body, or it can begin in the body and affect the mind, both of
3668 which are served by the same bloodstream. Attempts to treat most mental
3669 diseases as though they were completely free of physical causes and attempts
3670 to treat most bodily diseases as though the mind were in no way involved must
3671 be considered archaic in the light of new evidence about the way the human
3674 "Anatomy of an Illness as Perceived by the Patient"
3676 Penn's aunts made great apple pies at low prices. No one else in
3677 town could compete with the pie rates of Penn's aunts.
3678 During the American Revolution, a Britisher tried to raid a farm. He
3679 stumbled across a rock on the ground and fell, whereupon an aggressive Rhode
3680 Island Red hopped on top. Seeing this, the farmer commented, "Chicken catch
3682 A wife started serving chopped meat, Monday hamburger, Tuesday meat
3683 loaf, Wednesday tartar steak, and Thursday meatballs. On Friday morning her
3684 husband snarled, "How now, ground cow?"
3685 A journalist, thrilled over his dinner, asked the chef for the recipe.
3686 Retorted the chef, "Sorry, we have the same policy as you journalists, we
3687 never reveal our sauce."
3688 A new chef from India was fired a week after starting the job. He
3689 kept favoring curry.
3690 A couple of kids tried using pickles instead of paddles for a Ping-Pong
3691 game. They had the volley of the Dills.
3693 People of all sorts of genders are reporting great difficulty,
3694 these days, in selecting the proper words to refer to those of the female
3696 "Lady," "woman," and "girl" are all perfectly good words, but
3697 misapplying them can earn one anything from the charge of vulgarity to a good
3698 swift smack. We are messing here with matters of deference, condescension,
3699 respect, bigotry, and two vague concepts, age and rank. It is troubling
3700 enough to get straight who is really what. Those who deliberately misuse
3701 the terms in a misbegotten attempt at flattery are asking for it.
3702 A woman is any grown-up female person. A girl is the un-grown-up
3703 version. If you call a wee thing with chubby cheeks and pink hair ribbons a
3704 "woman," you will probably not get into trouble, and if you do, you will be
3705 able to handle it because she will be under three feet tall. However, if you
3706 call a grown-up by a child's name for the sake of implying that she has a
3707 youthful body, you are also implying that she has a brain to match.
3709 "Perhaps he is not honest," Mr. Frostee said inside Cobb's head,
3710 sounding a bit worried.
3711 "Of course he isn't," Cobb answered. "What we have to look out for
3712 is him calling the cops anyway, or trying to blackmail us for more money."
3713 "I think you should kill him and eat his brain," Mr. Frostee
3715 "That's not the answer to *every* problem in interpersonal relations,"
3716 Cobb said, hopping out.
3717 -- Rudy Rucker, "Software"
3719 Phases of a Project:
3723 (4) Search for the Guilty.
3724 (5) Punishment for the Innocent.
3725 (6) Distinction for the Uninvolved.
3727 Plumbing is one of the easier of do-it-yourself activities,
3728 requiring only a few simple tools and a willingness to stick your arm
3729 into a clogged toilet. In fact, you can solve many home plumbing
3730 problems, such as annoying faucet drip, merely by turning up the
3731 radio. But before we get into specific techniques, let's look at how
3733 A plumbing system is very much like your electrical system,
3734 except that instead of electricity, it has water, and instead of wires,
3735 it has pipes, and instead of radios and waffle irons, it has faucets
3736 and toilets. So the truth is that your plumbing systems is nothing at
3737 all like your electrical system, which is good, because electricity can
3739 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
3741 Price Wang's programmer was coding software. His fingers danced upon
3742 the keyboard. The program compiled without an error message, and the program
3743 ran like a gentle wind.
3744 Excellent!" the Price exclaimed, "Your technique is faultless!"
3745 "Technique?" said the programmer, turning from his terminal, "What I
3746 follow is the Tao -- beyond all technique. When I first began to program I
3747 would see before me the whole program in one mass. After three years I no
3748 longer saw this mass. Instead, I used subroutines. But now I see nothing.
3749 My whole being exists in a formless void. My senses are idle. My spirit,
3750 free to work without a plan, follows its own instinct. In short, my program
3751 writes itself. True, sometimes there are difficult problems. I see them
3752 coming, I slow down, I watch silently. Then I change a single line of code
3753 and the difficulties vanish like puffs of idle smoke. I then compile the
3754 program. I sit still and let the joy of the work fill my being. I close my
3755 eyes for a moment and then log off."
3756 Price Wang said, "Would that all of my programmers were as wise!"
3757 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
3759 "Reflections on Ice-Breaking"
3766 Reporters like Bill Greider from the Washington Post and Him
3767 Naughton of the New York Times, for instance, had to file long, detailed,
3768 and relatively complex stories every day -- while my own deadline fell
3769 every two weeks -- but neither of them ever seemed in a hurry about
3770 getting their work done, and from time to time they would try to console
3771 me about the terrible pressure I always seemed to be laboring under.
3772 Any $100-an-hour psychiatrist could probably explain this problem
3773 to me, in thirteen or fourteen sessions, but I don't have time for that.
3774 No doubt it has something to do with a deep-seated personality defect, or
3775 maybe a kink in whatever blood vessel leads into the pineal gland... On
3776 the other hand, it might be something as simple & basically perverse as
3777 whatever instinct it is that causes a jackrabbit to wait until the last
3778 possible second to dart across the road in front of a speeding car.
3779 -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing: On the Campaign Trail"
3781 "Richard, in being so fierce toward my vampire, you were doing
3782 what you wanted to do, even though you thought it was going to hurt
3783 somebody else. He even told you he'd be hurt if..."
3784 "He was going to suck my blood!"
3785 "Which is what we do to anyone when we tell them we'll be hurt
3786 if they don't live our way."
3788 "The thing that puzzles you," he said, "is an accepted saying that
3789 happens to be impossible. The phrase is hurt somebody else. We choose,
3790 ourselves, to be hurt or not to be hurt, no matter what. Us who decides.
3791 Nobody else. My vampire told you he'd be hurt if you didn't let him? That's
3792 his decision to be hurt, that's his choice. What you do about it is your
3793 decision, your choice: give him blood; ignore him; tie him up; drive a stake
3794 through his heart. If he doesn't want the holly stake, he's free to resist,
3795 in whatever way he wants. It goes on and on, choices, choices."
3796 "When you look at it that way..."
3797 "Listen," he said, "it's important. We are all. Free. To do.
3798 Whatever. We want. To do."
3799 -- Richard Bach, "Illusions"
3801 Risch's decision procedure for integration, not surprisingly,
3802 uses a recursion on the number and type of the extensions from the
3803 rational functions needed to represent the integrand. Although the
3804 algorithm follows and critically depends upon the appropriate structure
3805 of the input, as in the case of multivariate factorization, we cannot
3806 claim that the algorithm is a natural one. In fact, the creator of
3807 differential algebra, Ritt, committed suicide in the early 1950's,
3808 largely, it is claimed, because few paid attention to his work. Probably
3809 he would have received more attention had he obtained the algorithm as
3811 -- Joel Moses, "Algorithms and Complexity", ed. J. F. Traub
3813 Robert Kennedy's 1964 Senatorial campaign planners told him that
3814 their intention was to present him to the television viewers as a sincere,
3815 generous person. "You going to use a double?" asked Kennedy.
3817 Thumbing through a promotional pamphlet prepared for his 1964
3818 Senatorial campaign, Robert Kennedy came across a photograph of himself
3819 shaking hands with a well-known labor leader.
3820 "There must be a better photo that this," said Kennedy to the
3821 advertising men in charge of his campaign.
3822 "What's wrong with this one?" asked one adman.
3823 "That fellow's in jail," said Kennedy.
3824 -- Bill Adler, "The Washington Wits"
3832 Sam went to his psychiatrist complaining of a hatred for elephants.
3833 "I can't stand elephants," he explained. "I lie awake nights despising
3834 them. The thought of an elephant fills me with loathing."
3835 "Sam," said the psychiatrist, "there's only one thing for you to do.
3836 Go to Africa, organize a safari, find an elephant in the jungle and shoot it.
3837 That way you'll get it out of your system."
3838 Sam immediately made arrangements for a safari hunt in Africa,
3839 inviting his best friend to join him. They arrived in Nairobi and lost no
3840 time getting out on the jungle trails. After they had been hunting for
3841 several days, Sam's best friend grabbed him by the arm one morning and
3843 "Sam, Sam, Sam! Over there behind that tree there's and elephant!
3844 Sam -- Get your gun -- no, no, not THAT gun -- the rifle with the longer
3845 barrel! Now aim it! QUICK! SAM! QUICK! No! Not that way -- this way!
3846 Be sure you don't jerk the trigger! Wait SAM! Don't let him see you! Aim
3848 Sam whirled around, took aim, and killed his friend. He was put in
3849 prison and his psychiatrist flew to Africa to visit him. "I sent you over
3850 here to kill and elephant and instead you shoot your best friend," the
3851 psychiatrist said. "Why?"
3852 "Well," Sam replied, "there's only one thing in the world that I
3853 hate more than elephants and that is a loudmouth know-it-all!"
3855 Seems George was playing his usual eighteen holes on Saturday
3856 afternoon. Teeing off from the 17th, he sliced into the rough over near
3857 the edge of the fairway. Just as he was about to chip out, he noticed a
3858 long funeral procession going past on a nearby street. Reverently, George
3859 removed his hat and stood at attention until the procession had passed.
3860 Then he continued his game, finishing with a birdie on the eighteenth.
3861 Later, at the clubhouse, a fellow golfer greet George. "Say, that was a
3862 nice gesture you made today, George.
3863 "What do you mean?" asked George.
3864 "Well, it was nice of you to take off your cap and stand
3865 respectfully when that funeral went by," the friend replied.
3866 "Oh, yes," said George. "Well, we were married 17 years, you
3869 "Seven years and six months!" Humpty Dumpty repeated
3870 thoughtfully. "An uncomfortable sort of age. Now if you'd asked MY
3871 advice, I'd have said `Leave off at seven' -- but it's too late now."
3872 "I never ask advice about growing," Alice said indignantly.
3873 "Too proud?" the other enquired.
3874 Alice felt even more indignant at this suggestion. "I mean,"
3875 she said, "that one can't help growing older."
3876 "ONE can't, perhaps," said Humpty Dumpty; "but TWO can. With
3877 proper assistance, you might have left off at seven."
3878 -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking-Glass"
3880 Several students were asked to prove that all odd integers are prime.
3881 The first student to try to do this was a math student. "Hmmm...
3882 Well, 1 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, and by induction, we have that all
3883 the odd integers are prime."
3884 The second student to try was a man of physics who commented, "I'm not
3885 sure of the validity of your proof, but I think I'll try to prove it by
3886 experiment." He continues, "Well, 1 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is
3887 prime, 9 is... uh, 9 is... uh, 9 is an experimental error, 11 is prime, 13
3888 is prime... Well, it seems that you're right."
3889 The third student to try it was the engineering student, who responded,
3890 "Well, to be honest, actually, I'm not sure of your answer either. Let's
3891 see... 1 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is... uh, 9 is...
3892 well, if you approximate, 9 is prime, 11 is prime, 13 is prime... Well, it
3894 Not to be outdone, the computer science student comes along and says
3895 "Well, you two sort've got the right idea, but you'll end up taking too long!
3896 I've just whipped up a program to REALLY go and prove it." He goes over to
3897 his terminal and runs his program. Reading the output on the screen he says,
3898 "1 is prime, 1 is prime, 1 is prime, 1 is prime..."
3900 "Sheriff, we gotta catch Black Bart."
3901 "Oh, yeah? What's he look like?"
3902 "Well, he's wearin' a paper hat, a paper shirt, paper pants and
3904 "What's he wanted for?"
3907 So Richard and I decided to try to catch [the small shark].
3908 With a great deal of strategy and effort and shouting, we managed to
3909 maneuver the shark, over the course of about a half-hour, to a sort of
3910 corner of the lagoon, so that it had no way to escape other than to
3911 flop up onto the land and evolve. Richard and I were inching toward
3912 it, sort of crouched over, when all of a sudden it turned around and --
3913 I can still remember the sensation I felt at that moment, primarily in
3914 the armpit area -- headed right straight toward us.
3915 Many people would have panicked at this point. But Richard and
3916 I were not "many people." We were experienced waders, and we kept our
3917 heads. We did exactly what the textbook says you should do when you're
3918 unarmed and a shark that is nearly two feet long turns on you in water
3919 up to your lower calves: We sprinted I would say 600 yards in the
3920 opposite direction, using a sprinting style such that the bottoms of
3921 our feet never once went below the surface of the water. We ran all
3922 the way to the far shore, and if we had been in a Warner Brothers
3923 cartoon we would have run right INTO the beach, and you would have seen
3924 these two mounds of sand racing across the island until they bonked
3925 into trees and coconuts fell onto their heads.
3926 -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV"
3928 Some 1500 miles west of the Big Apple we find the Minneapple, a
3929 haven of tranquility in troubled times. It's a good town, a civilized town.
3930 A town where they still know how to get your shirts back by Thursday. Let
3931 the Big Apple have the feats of "Broadway Joe" Namath. We have known the
3932 stolid but steady Killebrew. Listening to Cole Porter over a dry martini
3933 may well suit those unlucky enough never to have heard the Whoopee John Polka
3934 Band and never to have shared a pitcher of 3.2 Grain Belt Beer. The loss is
3935 theirs. And the Big Apple has yet to bake the bagel that can match peanut
3936 butter on lefse. Here is a town where the major urban problem is dutch elm
3937 disease and the number one crime is overtime parking. We boast more theater
3938 per capita than the Big Apple. We go to see, not to be seen. We go even
3939 when we must shovel ten inches of snow from the driveway to get there. Indeed
3940 the winters are fierce. But then comes the marvel of the Minneapple summer.
3941 People flock to the city's lakes to frolic and rejoice at the sight of so
3942 much happy humanity free from the bonds of the traditional down-filled parka.
3943 Here's to the Minneapple. And to its people. Our flair for style is balanced
3944 by a healthy respect for wind chill factors.
3945 And we always, always eat our vegetables.
3946 This is the Minneapple.
3948 Something mysterious is formed, born in the silent void. Waiting
3949 alone and unmoving, it is at once still and yet in constant motion. It is
3950 the source of all programs. I do not know its name, so I will call it the
3952 If the Tao is great, then the operating system is great. If the
3953 operating system is great, then the compiler is great. If the compiler is
3954 greater, then the applications is great. The user is pleased and there is
3955 harmony in the world.
3956 The Tao of Programming flows far away and returns on the wind of
3958 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
3960 Somewhat alarmed at the continued growth of the number of employees
3961 on the Department of Agriculture payroll in 1962, Michigan Republican Robert
3962 Griffin proposed an amendment to the farm bill so that "the total number of
3963 employees in the Department of Agriculture at no time exceeds the number of
3964 farmers in America."
3965 -- Bill Adler, "The Washington Wits"
3967 Split 1/4 bottle .187 liters
3969 Bottle 750 milliliters
3970 Magnum 2 bottles 1.5 liters
3972 Rehoboam 6 bottles Not available in the US
3973 Methuselah 8 bottles
3974 Salmanazar 12 bottles
3975 Balthazar 16 bottles
3976 Nebuchadnezzar 20 bottles 15 liters
3977 Sovereign 34 bottles 26 liters
3979 The Sovereign is a new bottle, made for the launching of the
3980 largest cruise ship in the world. The bottle alone cost 8,000 dollars
3981 to produce and they only made 8 of them.
3982 Most of the funny names come from Biblical people.
3984 Stop! Whoever crosseth the bridge of Death, must answer first
3985 these questions three, ere the other side he see!
3987 "What is your name?"
3988 "Sir Brian of Bell."
3989 "What is your quest?"
3990 "I seek the Holy Grail."
3991 "What are four lowercase letters that are not legal flag arguments
3992 to the Berkeley UNIX version of `ls'?"
3993 "I, er.... AIIIEEEEEE!"
3995 Strange memories on this nervous night in Las Vegas. Five years later?
3996 Six? It seems like a lifetime, or at least a Main Era -- the kind of peak that
3997 never comes again. San Francisco in the middle sixties was a very special time
3998 and place to be a part of. Maybe it meant something. Maybe not, in the long
3999 run... There was madness in any direction, at any hour. If not across the
4000 Bay, then up the Golden Gate or down 101 to Los Altos or La Honda... You could
4001 strike sparks anywhere. There was a fantastic universal sense that whatever we
4002 were doing was right, that we were winning...
4003 And that, I think, was the handle -- that sense of inevitable victory
4004 over the forces of Old and Evil. Not in any mean or military sense; we didn't
4005 need that. Our energy would simply prevail. There was no point in fighting
4006 -- on our side or theirs. We had all the momentum; we were riding the crest
4007 of a high and beautiful wave. So now, less than five years later, you can go
4008 up on a steep hill in Las Vegas and look West, and with the right kind of eyes
4009 you can almost see the high-water mark -- that place where the wave finally
4010 broke and rolled back.
4011 -- Hunter S. Thompson
4013 "That wife of mine is a liar," said the angry husband to a
4014 sympathetic pal seated next to him in a bar.
4015 "How do you know?" the friend asked.
4016 "She didn't come home last night, and when I asked her where
4017 she'd been she said she'd spent the night with her sister Shirley."
4019 "So, she's a liar. I spent the night with her sister Shirley."
4021 "That's right; the upper-case shift works fine on the screen, but
4022 they're not coming out on the damn printer... Hold? Sure, I'll hold."
4023 -- e. e. cummings last service call
4025 The boss returned from lunch in a good mood and called the whole staff
4026 in to listen to a couple of jokes he had picked up. Everybody but one girl
4027 laughed uproariously. "What's the matter?" grumbled the boss. "Haven't you
4028 got a sense of humor?"
4029 "I don't have to laugh," she said. "I'm leaving Friday anyway.
4031 The defense attorney was hammering away at the plaintiff:
4032 "You claim," he jeered, "that my client came at you with a broken bottle
4033 in his hand. But is it not true, that you had something in YOUR hand?"
4034 "Yes," the man admitted, "his wife. Very charming, of course,
4035 but not much good in a fight."
4037 The devout Jew was beside himself because his son had been dating
4038 a shiksa, so he went to visit his rabbi. The rabbi listened solemnly to
4039 his problem, took his hand, and said, "Pray to God."
4040 So the Jew went to the synagogue, bowed his head, and prayed, "God,
4041 please help me. My son, my favorite son, he's going to marry a shiksa, he
4042 sees nothing but goyim..."
4043 "Your son," boomed down this voice from the heavens, "you think
4044 you got problems. What about my son?"
4046 The doctor had just finished giving the young man a thorough
4047 physical examination. "The best thing for you to do," the M.D. said,
4048 "is give up drinking, give up smoking, get to bed early and stay away
4050 "Doc, I don't deserve the best," pleaded his patient. "What's
4053 The FIELD GUIDE to NORTH AMERICAN MALES
4055 SPECIES: Cranial Males
4056 SUBSPECIES: The Hacker (homo computatis)
4058 Due to extreme deprivation, HOMO COMPUTATIS maintains a near perpetual
4059 state of sexual readiness. Courtship behavior alternates between
4060 awkward shyness and abrupt advances. When he finally mates, he
4061 chooses a female engineer with an unblinking stare, a tight mouth, and
4062 a complete collection of Campbell's soup-can recipes.
4064 Trash cans full of pale green and white perforated paper and old
4065 copies of the Allen-Bradley catalog.
4067 Extremely fond of bad puns and jokes that need long explanations.
4069 The FIELD GUIDE to NORTH AMERICAN MALES
4071 SPECIES: Cranial Males
4072 SUBSPECIES: The Hacker (homo computatis)
4074 Gangly and frail, the hacker has a high forehead and thinning hair.
4075 Head disproportionately large and crooked forward, complexion wan and
4076 sightly gray from CRT illumination. He has heavy black-rimmed glasses
4077 and a look of intense concentration, which may be due to a software
4078 problem or to a pork-and-bean breakfast.
4080 HOMO COMPUTATIS saw a Brylcreem ad fifteen years ago and believed it.
4081 Consequently, crest is greased down, except for the cowlick.
4083 A rather plaintive "Is it up?"
4085 The FIELD GUIDE to NORTH AMERICAN MALES
4087 SPECIES: Cranial Males
4088 SUBSPECIES: The Hacker (homo computatis)
4090 All clothes have a slightly crumpled look as though they came off the
4091 top of the laundry basket. Style varies with status. Hacker managers
4092 wear gray polyester slacks, pink or pastel shirts with wide collars,
4093 and paisley ties; staff wears cinched-up baggy corduroy pants, white
4094 or blue shirts with button-down collars, and penholder in pocket.
4095 Both managers and staff wear running shoes to work, and a black
4096 plastic digital watch with calculator.
4098 The foreman of a lumber camp put a new workman on the circular saw.
4099 As he turned away, he heard the man say, "Ouch!".
4101 "Dunno," replied the man. "I just stuck out my hand like this, and
4102 -- well, I'll be damned. There goes another one!"
4104 The General disliked trying to explain the highly technical
4105 inner workings of the U.S. Air Force.
4106 "$7,662 for a ten cup coffee maker, General?" the Senator asked.
4107 In his head he ran through his standard explanations. "It's not so,"
4108 he thought. "It's a deterrent." Soon he came up with, "It's computerized,
4109 Senator. Tiny computer chips make coffee that's smooth and full-bodied. Try
4111 The Senator did. "Pfffttt! Tastes like jet fuel!"
4112 "It's not so," the General thought. "It's a deterrent."
4113 Then he remembered something. "We bought a lot of untested computer
4114 chips," the General answered. "They got into everything. Just a little
4115 mix-up. Nothing serious."
4116 Then he remembered something else. It was at the site of the
4117 mysterious B-1 crash. A strange smell in the fuel lines. It smelled like
4118 coffee. Smooth and full bodied...
4119 -- Another Episode of General's Hospital
4121 "The Good Ship Enterprise" (to the tune of "The Good Ship Lollipop")
4123 On the good ship Enterprise
4124 Every week there's a new surprise
4125 Where the Romulans lurk
4126 And the Klingons often go berserk.
4128 Yes, the good ship Enterprise
4129 There's excitement anywhere it flies
4131 And Nurse Chapel never gets her way.
4133 See Captain Kirk standing on the bridge,
4134 Mr. Spock is at his side.
4135 The weekly menace, ooh-ooh
4136 It gets fried, scattered far and wide.
4138 It's the good ship Enterprise
4139 Heading out where danger lies
4140 And you live in dread
4141 If you're wearing a shirt that's red.
4142 -- Doris Robin and Karen Trimble of The L.A. Filkharmonics
4144 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy has a few things to say on
4145 the subject of towels.
4146 A towel, it says, is about the most massively useful thing an
4147 interstellar hitchhiker can have. Partly it has great practical value.
4148 You can wrap it around you for warmth as you bound across the cold moons
4149 of Jaglan Beta; you can lie on it on the brilliant marble-sanded beaches
4150 of Santraginus V ... use it to sail a miniraft down the slow heavy River
4151 Moth; wave your towel in emergencies, and, of course, dry yourself off
4152 with it if it still seems to be clean enough.
4154 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy has a few things to say on
4155 the subject of towels.
4156 Most importantly, a towel has immense psychological value. For
4157 some reason, if a non-hitchhiker discovers that a hitchhiker has his towel
4158 with him, he will automatically assume that he is also in possession of a
4159 toothbrush, washcloth, flask, gnat spray, space suit, etc., etc. Furthermore,
4160 the non-hitchhiker will then happily lend the hitchhiker any of these or
4161 a dozen other items that he may have "lost". After all, any man who can
4162 hitch the length and breadth of the Galaxy, struggle against terrible odds,
4163 win through and still know where his towel is, is clearly a man to be
4166 The honeymooning couple agreed it was a fine day for horseback riding.
4167 After a mile or so, the bride's mount cantered under a low tree and a
4168 branch scraped her forehead lightly. The groom dismounted, glared at his
4169 wife's horse, and said, "That's number one."
4170 The ride then proceeded. After another mile or so, the bride's
4171 horse stumbled over a pebble and the lady suffered a slight jostling.
4172 Again, her man leapt from his saddle and strode over to the nervous animal.
4173 "That's two," he said.
4174 Five miles later, the bride's horse became frightened when a rabbit
4175 crossed its path, reared up and threw the girl. Immediately, the groom was
4176 off his horse. "That's three!", he shouted, and, pulling out a pistol, he
4177 shot the horse between the eyes.
4178 "You brute!" shrieked his bride. "Now I see the kind of man I
4179 married! You're a sadist, that's what!"
4180 The groom turned to her coolly. "That's one," he said.
4182 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #10: SIMPLE
4184 SIMPLE is an acronym for Sheer Idiot's Monopurpose Programming Language
4185 Environment. This language, developed at the Hanover College for
4186 Technological Misfits, was designed to make it impossible to write code
4187 with errors in it. The statements are, therefore, confined to BEGIN,
4188 END and STOP. No matter how you arrange the statements, you can't make
4189 a syntax error. Programs written in SIMPLE do nothing useful. Thus
4190 they achieve the results of programs written in other languages without
4191 the tedious, frustrating process of testing and debugging.
4193 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #12: LITHP
4195 This otherwise unremarkable language is distinguished by the absence of
4196 an "S" in its character set; users must substitute "TH". LITHP is said
4197 to be useful in protheththing lithtth.
4199 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #13: SLOBOL
4201 SLOBOL is best known for the speed, or lack of it, of its compiler.
4202 Although many compilers allow you to take a coffee break while they
4203 compile, SLOBOL compilers allow you to travel to Bolivia to pick the
4204 coffee. Forty-three programmers are known to have died of boredom
4205 sitting at their terminals while waiting for a SLOBOL program to
4206 compile. Weary SLOBOL programmers often turn to a related (but
4207 infinitely faster) language, COCAINE.
4209 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #17: SARTRE
4211 Named after the late existential philosopher, SARTRE is an extremely
4212 unstructured language. Statements in SARTRE have no purpose; they just
4213 are. Thus SARTRE programs are left to define their own functions.
4214 SARTRE programmers tend to be boring and depressed, and are no fun at
4217 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #18: C-
4219 This language was named for the grade received by its creator when he
4220 submitted it as a class project in a graduate programming class. C- is
4221 best described as a "low-level" programming language. In fact, the
4222 language generally requires more C- statements than machine-code
4223 statements to execute a given task. In this respect, it is very
4226 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #18a: FIFTH
4228 FIFTH is a precision mathematical language in which the data types
4229 refer to quantity. The data types range from CC, OUNCE, SHOT, and
4230 JIGGER to FIFTH (hence the name of the language), LITER, MAGNUM and
4231 BLOTTO. Commands refer to ingredients such as CHABLIS, CHARDONNAY,
4232 CABERNET, GIN, VERMOUTH, VODKA, SCOTCH, and WHATEVERSAROUND.
4234 The many versions of the FIFTH language reflect the sophistication and
4235 financial status of its users. Commands in the ELITE dialect include
4236 VSOP and LAFITE, while commands in the GUTTER dialect include HOOTCH,
4237 THUNDERBIRD, RIPPLE and HOUSERED. The latter is a favorite of frustrated
4238 FORTH programmers who end up using this language.
4240 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #2: RENE
4242 Named after the famous French philosopher and mathematician Rene
4243 Descartes, RENE is a language used for artificial intelligence. The
4244 language is being developed at the Chicago Center of Machine Politics
4245 and Programming under a grant from the Jane Byrne Victory Fund. A
4246 spokesman described the language as "Just as great as dis [sic] city of
4249 The center is very pleased with progress to date. They say they have
4250 almost succeeded in getting a VAX to think. However, sources inside the
4251 organization say that each time the machine fails to think it ceases to
4254 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #5: VALGOL
4255 From its modest beginnings in Southern California's San Fernando Valley,
4256 VALGOL is enjoying a dramatic surge of popularity across the industry.
4258 Here is a sample program:
4259 LIKE, Y*KNOW(I MEAN)START
4260 IF PIZZA = LIKE BITCHEN AND GUY = LIKE TUBULAR AND
4261 VALLEY GIRL = LIKE GRODY**MAX(FERSURE)**2 THEN
4262 FOR I = LIKE 1 TO OH*MAYBE 100
4264 BARF(I)=TOTALLY GROSS(OUT)
4266 LIKE BAG THIS PROGRAM
4268 LIKE TOTALLY (Y*KNOW)
4272 When the user makes a syntax error, the interpreter displays the message:
4274 GAG ME WITH A SPOON!!
4276 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #8: LAIDBACK
4278 This language was developed at the Marin County Center for T'ai Chi,
4279 Mellowness and Computer Programming (now defunct), as an alternative to
4280 the more intense atmosphere in nearby Silicon Valley.
4282 The center was ideal for programmers who liked to soak in hot tubs
4283 while they worked. Unfortunately few programmers could survive there
4284 because the center outlawed Pizza and Coca-Cola in favor of Tofu and
4287 Many mourn the demise of LAIDBACK because of its reputation as a gentle
4288 and non-threatening language since all error messages are in lower
4289 case. For example, LAIDBACK responded to syntax errors with the
4291 "i hate to bother you, but i just can't relate to that. can
4292 you find the time to try it again?"
4294 The Lord and I are in a sheep-shepherd relationship, and I am in
4295 a position of negative need.
4296 He prostrates me in a green-belt grazing area.
4297 He conducts me directionally parallel to non-torrential aqueous
4299 He returns to original satisfaction levels my psychological makeup.
4300 He switches me on to a positive behavioral format for maximal
4301 prestige of His identity.
4302 It should indeed be said that notwithstanding the fact that I make
4303 ambulatory progress through the umbrageous inter-hill mortality slot, terror
4304 sensations will no be initiated in me, due to para-etical phenomena.
4305 Your pastoral walking aid and quadrupic pickup unit introduce me
4306 into a pleasurific mood state.
4307 You design and produce a nutriment-bearing furniture-type structure
4308 in the context of non-cooperative elements.
4309 You act out a head-related folk ritual employing vegetable extract.
4310 My beverage utensil experiences a volume crisis.
4311 It is an ongoing deductible fact that your inter-relational
4312 empathetical and non-ventious capabilities will retain me as their
4313 target-focus for the duration of my non-death period, and I will possess
4314 tenant rights in the housing unit of the Lord on a permanent, open-ended
4317 The Magician of the Ivory Tower brought his latest invention for the
4318 master programmer to examine. The magician wheeled a large black box into the
4319 master's office while the master waited in silence.
4320 "This is an integrated, distributed, general-purpose workstation,"
4321 began the magician, "ergonomically designed with a proprietary operating
4322 system, sixth generation languages, and multiple state of the art user
4323 interfaces. It took my assistants several hundred man years to construct.
4325 The master raised his eyebrows slightly. "It is indeed amazing," he
4327 "Corporate Headquarters has commanded," continued the magician, "that
4328 everyone use this workstation as a platform for new programs. Do you agree
4330 "Certainly," replied the master, "I will have it transported to the
4331 data center immediately!" And the magician returned to his tower, well
4333 Several days later, a novice wandered into the office of the master
4334 programmer and said, "I cannot find the listing for my new program. Do
4335 you know where it might be?"
4336 "Yes," replied the master, "the listings are stacked on the platform
4337 in the data center."
4338 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
4340 The Martian landed his saucer in Manhattan, and immediately upon
4341 emerging was approached by a panhandler. "Mister," said the man, "can I
4343 The Martian asked, "What's a quarter?"
4344 The panhandler thought a minute, brightened, then said, "You're
4345 right! Can I have a dollar?"
4347 The master programmer moves from program to program without fear. No
4348 change in management can harm him. He will not be fired, even if the project
4349 is canceled. Why is this? He is filled with the Tao.
4350 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
4352 The men sat sipping their tea in silence. After a while the
4353 klutz said, "Life is like a bowl of sour cream."
4355 "Like a bowl of sour cream?" asked the other. "Why?"
4357 "How should I know? What am I, a philosopher?"
4359 The Minnesota Board of Education voted to consider requiring all
4360 students to do some "volunteer work" as a prerequisite to high school gradu-
4362 Senator Orrin Hatch said that "capital punishment is our society's
4363 recognition of the sanctity of human life."
4365 According to the tax bill signed by President Reagan on December 22,
4366 1987, Don Tyson and his sister-in-law Barbara run a "family farm." Their
4367 "farm" has 25,000 employees and grosses $1.7 billion a year. But as a "family
4368 farm" they get tax breaks that save them $135 million a year.
4370 Scott L. Pickard, spokesperson for the Massachusetts Department of
4371 Public Works, calls them "ground-mounted confirmatory route markers." You
4372 probably call them road signs, but then you don't work in a government agency.
4374 It's not "elderly" or "senior citizens" anymore. Now it's "chrono-
4375 logically experienced citizens."
4377 According to the FAA, the propeller blade didn't break off, it was
4378 just a case of "uncontained blade liberation."
4379 -- Quarterly Review of Doublespeak (NCTE)
4381 The only real game in the world, I think, is baseball...
4382 You've got to start way down, at the bottom, when you're six or seven years
4383 old. You can't wait until you're fifteen or sixteen. You've got to let it
4384 grow up with you, and if you're successful and you try hard enough, you're
4385 bound to come out on top, just like these boys have come to the top now.
4386 -- Babe Ruth, in his 1948 farewell speech at Yankee Stadium
4388 The people of Halifax invented the trampoline. During the
4389 Victorian period the tripe-dressers of Halifax stretched tripe across a
4390 large wooden frame and jumped up and down on it to `tender and dress'
4391 it. The tripoline, as they called it, degenerated into becoming the
4392 apparatus for a spectator sport.
4394 The people of Halifax also invented the harmonium, a device for
4395 castrating pigs during Sunday service.
4396 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
4398 The Priest's grey nimbus in a niche where he dressed discreetly.
4399 I will not sleep here tonight. Home also I cannot go.
4400 A voice, sweetened and sustained, called to him from the sea.
4401 Turning the curve he waved his hand. A sleek brown head, a seal's, far
4402 out on the water, round. Usurper.
4403 -- James Joyce, "Ulysses"
4405 The programmers of old were mysterious and profound. We cannot fathom
4406 their thoughts, so all we do is describe their appearance.
4407 Aware, like a fox crossing the water. Alert, like a general on the
4408 battlefield. Kind, like a hostess greeting her guests. Simple, like uncarved
4409 blocks of wood. Opaque, like black pools in darkened caves.
4410 Who can tell the secrets of their hearts and minds?
4411 The answer exists only in the Tao.
4412 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
4414 The salesman and the system analyst took off to spend a weekend in the
4415 forest, hunting bear. They'd rented a cabin, and, when they got there, took
4416 their backpacks off and put them inside. At which point the salesman turned
4417 to his friend, and said, "You unpack while I go and find us a bear."
4418 Puzzled, the analyst finished unpacking and then went and sat down
4419 on the porch. Soon he could hear rustling noises in the forest. The noises
4420 got nearer -- and louder -- and suddenly there was the salesman, running like
4421 hell across the clearing toward the cabin, pursued by one of the largest and
4422 most ferocious grizzly bears the analyst had ever seen.
4423 "Open the door!", screamed the salesman.
4424 The analyst whipped open the door, and the salesman ran to the door,
4425 suddenly stopped, and stepped aside. The bear, unable to stop, continued
4426 through the door and into the cabin. The salesman slammed the door closed
4427 and grinned at his friend. "Got him!", he exclaimed, "now, you skin this
4428 one and I'll go rustle us up another!"
4430 The seven eyes of Ningauble the Wizard floated back to his hood
4431 as he reported to Fafhrd: "I have seen much, yet cannot explain all.
4432 The Gray Mouser is exactly twenty-five feet below the deepest cellar in
4433 the palace of Gilpkerio Kistomerces. Even though twenty-four parts in
4434 twenty-five of him are dead, he is alive.
4436 "Now about Lankhmar. She's been invaded, her walls breached
4437 everywhere and desperate fighting is going on in the streets, by a
4438 fierce host which out-numbers Lankhmar's inhabitants by fifty to one --
4439 and equipped with all modern weapons. Yet you can save the city."
4441 "How?" demanded Fafhrd.
4443 Ningauble shrugged. "You're a hero. You should know."
4444 -- Fritz Leiber, from "The Swords of Lankhmar"
4446 The Soviet pre-eminence in chess can be traced to the average
4447 Russian's readiness to brood obsessively over anything, even the arrangement
4448 of some pieces of wood. Indeed, the Russians' predisposition for quiet
4449 reflection followed by sudden preventive action explains why they led the
4450 field for many years in both chess and ax murders. It is well known that as
4451 early as 1970, the U.S.S.R., aware of what a defeat at Reykjavik would do to
4452 national prestige, implemented a vigorous program of preparation and
4453 incentive. Every day for an entire year, a team of psychologists, chess
4454 analysts and coaches met with the top three Russian grand masters and
4455 threatened them with a pointy stick. That these tactics proved fruitless
4456 is now a part of chess history and a further testament to the American way,
4457 which provides that if you want something badly enough, you can always go to
4458 Iceland and get it from the Russians.
4459 -- Marshall Brickman, "Playboy"
4461 The Tao gave birth to machine language. Machine language gave birth
4463 The assembler gave birth to the compiler. Now there are ten thousand
4465 Each language has its purpose, however humble. Each language
4466 expresses the Yin and Yang of software. Each language has its place within
4468 But do not program in COBOL if you can avoid it.
4469 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
4471 The way my jeweler explained it, it's like insurance.
4472 Six months' pay isn't much to keep my wife from sleeping around.
4474 A diamond -- pure, sparkling, natural, flawless, forever. The way marriage
4475 should be but never quite is. People grow and change and sometimes want to
4476 take their clothes off with strangers. So when you invest in a fine piece
4477 of diamond jewelry, you're not only making an investment, you're making a
4478 statement. You're telling the woman you love that you've just spent a lot
4479 of your hard-earned money on her. Now she owes you the kind of loyalty that
4480 only precious jewelry can buy. Isn't she worth it?
4482 The Honeymoon's Over: from $ 5000
4483 The Seven Year Itch: from $10000
4484 No More Lunchtime Quickies: from $15000
4485 Divorce Would Be More Expensive: from $42000
4487 A diamond is for leverage. BeDears
4489 The wise programmer is told about the Tao and follows it. The average
4490 programmer is told about the Tao and searches for it. The foolish programmer
4491 is told about the Tao and laughs at it. If it were not for laughter, there
4493 The highest sounds are the hardest to hear. Going forward is a way to
4494 retreat. Greater talent shows itself late in life. Even a perfect program
4496 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
4500 The wombat lives across the seas,
4501 Among the far Antipodes.
4502 He may exist on nuts and berries,
4503 Or then again, on missionaries;
4504 His distant habitat precludes
4505 Conclusive knowledge of his moods.
4506 But I would not engage the wombat
4507 In any form of mortal combat.
4509 The world's most avid baseball fan (an Aggie) had arrived at the
4510 stadium for the first game of the World Series only to realize he had left
4511 his ticket at home. Not wanting to miss any of the first inning, he went
4512 to the ticket booth and got in a long line for another seat. After an hour's
4513 wait he was just a few feet from the booth when a voice called out, "Hey,
4514 Dave!" The Aggie looked up, stepped out of line and tried to find the owner
4515 of the voice -- with no success. Then he realized he had lost his place in
4516 line and had to wait all over again. When the fan finally bought his ticket,
4517 he was thirsty, so he went to buy a drink. The line at the concession stand
4518 was long, too, but since the game hadn't started he decided to wait. Just as
4519 he got to the window, a voice called out, "Hey, Dave!" Again the Aggie tried
4520 to find the voice -- but no luck. He was very upset as he got back in line
4521 for his drink. Finally the fan went to his seat, eager for the game to begin.
4522 As he waited for the pitch, he heard the voice calling, "Hey Dave!" once more.
4523 Furious, he stood up and yelled at the top of his lungs, "My name is not
4526 Then a man said: Speak to us of Expectations.
4528 He then said: If a man does not see or hear the waters of the
4529 Jordan, then he should not taste the pomegranate or ply his wares in an
4532 If a man would not labour in the salt and rock quarries then he
4533 should not accept of the Earth that which he refuses to give of
4536 Such a man would expect a pear of a peach tree.
4537 Such a man would expect a stone to lay an egg.
4538 Such a man would expect Sears to assemble a lawnmower.
4541 Then there's the atmosphere -- half the time you can eat the air,
4542 it's got so much stuff floating around in it. It takes the edge out of
4543 the colors. Down here even the traffic lights are pastel. And people!
4544 With a lot of these folks you'd have to check their green cards just to
4545 make sure that they are Earthlings. Then there's the police. In Portland,
4546 when some guy goes bananas, the cops rope off a sixteen block area around
4547 him and call a shrink from the medical school who stands atop a patrol car
4548 with a megaphone and shouts, "OK! THIS! ALL! STARTED! WHEN! YOU! WERE!
4549 THREE! YEARS! OLD! ON! ACCOUNT! OF! YOUR MOTHER! RIGHT? SO! LET'S!
4550 TALK! ABOUT! IT!" Down here they don't waste that kind of time. The LAPD
4551 has SWAT teams composed of guys who make Darth Vader look like Mr. Peepers.
4552 Before they go to bust a bookie joint they mortar it first.
4553 -- M. Christensen, "A Portland Innocent in LA"
4555 Then there's the story of the man who avoided reality for 70 years
4556 with drugs, sex, alcohol, fantasy, TV, movies, records, a hobby, lots of
4557 sleep... And on his 80th birthday died without ever having faced any of
4559 The man's younger brother, who had been facing reality and all his
4560 problems for 50 years with psychiatrists, nervous breakdowns, tics, tension,
4561 headaches, worry, anxiety and ulcers, was so angry at his brother for having
4562 gotten away scott free that he had a paralyzing stroke.
4563 The moral to this story is that there ain't no justice that we can
4567 "Then what is magic for?" Prince Lir demanded wildly. "What use is
4568 wizardry if it cannot save a unicorn?" He gripped the magician's shoulder
4569 hard, to keep from falling.
4570 Schmendrick did not turn his head. With a touch of sad mockery in
4571 his voice, he said, "That's what heroes are for."
4573 "Yes, of course," he [Prince Lir] said. "That is exactly what heroes
4574 are for. Wizards make no difference, so they say that nothing does, but
4575 heroes are meant to die for unicorns."
4576 -- P. Beagle, "The Last Unicorn"
4579 Into love and out again,
4580 Thus I went and thus I go.
4581 Spare your voice, and hold your pen:
4582 Well and bitterly I know
4583 All the songs were ever sung,
4584 All the words were ever said;
4585 Could it be, when I was young,
4586 Someone dropped me on my head?
4589 There are some goyisha names that just about guarantee that
4590 someone isn't Jewish. For example, you'll never meet a Jew named
4591 Johnson or Wright or Jones or Sinclair or Ricks or Stevenson or Reid or
4592 Larsen or Jenks. But some goyisha names just about guarantee that
4593 every other person you meet with that name will be Jewish. Why is
4595 Who knows? Learned rabbis have pondered this question for
4596 centuries and have failed to come up with an answer, and you think ___
\b\b\byou
4597 can find one? Get serious. You don't even understand why it's
4598 forbidden to eat crab -- fresh cold crab with mayonnaise -- or lobster
4599 -- soft tender morsels of lobster dipped in melted butter. You don't
4600 even understand a simple thing like that, and yet you hope to discover
4601 why there are more Jews named Miller than Katz? Fat Chance.
4602 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
4604 There once was a man who went to a computer trade show. Each day as
4605 he entered, the man told the guard at the door:
4606 "I am a great thief, renowned for my feats of shoplifting. Be
4607 forewarned, for this trade show shall not escape unplundered."
4608 This speech disturbed the guard greatly, because there were millions
4609 of dollars of computer equipment inside, so he watched the man carefully.
4610 But the man merely wandered from booth to booth, humming quietly to himself.
4611 When the man left, the guard took him aside and searched his clothes,
4612 but nothing was to be found.
4613 On the next day of the trade show, the man returned and chided the
4614 guard saying: "I escaped with a vast booty yesterday, but today will be even
4615 better." So the guard watched him ever more closely, but to no avail.
4616 On the final day of the trade show, the guard could restrain his
4617 curiosity no longer. "Sir Thief," he said, "I am so perplexed, I cannot live
4618 in peace. Please enlighten me. What is it that you are stealing?"
4619 The man smiled. "I am stealing ideas," he said.
4620 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
4622 There once was a master programmer who wrote unstructured programs.
4623 A novice programmer, seeking to imitate him, also began to write unstructured
4624 programs. When the novice asked the master to evaluate his progress, the
4625 master criticized him for writing unstructured programs, saying: "What is
4626 appropriate for the master is not appropriate for the novice. You must
4627 understand the Tao before transcending structure."
4628 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
4630 There once was this swami who lived above a delicatessen. Seems one
4631 day he decided to stop in downstairs for some fresh liver. Well, the owner
4632 of the deli was a bit of a cheap-skate, and decided to pick up a little extra
4633 change at his customer's expense. Turning quietly to the counterman, he
4634 whispered, "Weigh down upon the swami's liver!"
4636 There was a college student trying to earn some pocket money by
4637 going from house to house offering to do odd jobs. He explained this to
4638 a man who answered one door.
4639 "How much will you charge to paint my porch?" asked the man.
4641 "Fine" said the man, and gave the student the paint and brushes.
4642 Three hours later the paint-splattered lad knocked on the door again.
4643 "All done!", he says, and collects his money. "By the way," the student says,
4644 "That's not a Porsche, it's a Ferrari."
4646 There was a knock on the door. Mrs. Miffin opened it. "Are
4647 you the Widow Miffin?" a small boy asked.
4648 "I'm Mrs. Miffin," she replied, "but I'm not a widow."
4649 "Oh, no?" replied the little boy. "Wait 'til you see what
4650 they're carrying upstairs!"
4652 There was a mad scientist (a mad... social... scientist) who kidnapped
4653 three colleagues, an engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician, and locked
4654 each of them in separate cells with plenty of canned food and water but no
4656 A month later, returning, the mad scientist went to the engineer's
4657 cell and found it long empty. The engineer had constructed a can opener from
4658 pocket trash, used aluminum shavings and dried sugar to make an explosive,
4660 The physicist had worked out the angle necessary to knock the lids
4661 off the tin cans by throwing them against the wall. She was developing a good
4662 pitching arm and a new quantum theory.
4663 The mathematician had stacked the unopened cans into a surprising
4664 solution to the kissing problem; his desiccated corpse was propped calmly
4665 against a wall, and this was inscribed on the floor:
4666 Theorem: If I can't open these cans, I'll die.
4667 Proof: assume the opposite...
4669 There was once a programmer who was attached to the court of the
4670 warlord of Wu. The warlord asked the programmer: "Which is easier to design:
4671 an accounting package or an operating system?"
4672 "An operating system," replied the programmer.
4673 The warlord uttered an exclamation of disbelief. "Surely an
4674 accounting package is trivial next to the complexity of an operating
4676 "Not so," said the programmer, "when designing an accounting package,
4677 the programmer operates as a mediator between people having different ideas:
4678 how it must operate, how its reports must appear, and how it must conform to
4679 the tax laws. By contrast, an operating system is not limited my outside
4680 appearances. When designing an operating system, the programmer seeks the
4681 simplest harmony between machine and ideas. This is why an operating system
4682 is easier to design."
4683 The warlord of Wu nodded and smiled. "That is all good and well, but
4684 which is easier to debug?"
4685 The programmer made no reply.
4686 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
4688 There was once a programmer who was attached to the court of the
4689 warlord Wu. The warlord asked the programmer: "Which is easier to design:
4690 an accounting package or an operating system?"
4691 "An operating system," replied the programmer.
4692 The warlord uttered an exclamation of disbelief. "Surely an
4693 accounting package is trivial next to the complexity of an operating
4695 "Not so," said the programmer, "when designing an accounting package,
4696 the programmer operates as a mediator between people having different ideas:
4697 how it must operate, how its reports must appear, and how it must conform to
4698 tax laws. By contrast, an operating system is not limited by outward
4699 appearances. When designing an operating system, the programmer seeks the
4700 simplest harmony between machine and ideas. This is why an operating system
4701 is easier to design."
4702 The warlord of Wu nodded and smiled. "That is all good and well,"
4703 he said, "but which is easier to debug?"
4704 The programmer made no reply.
4705 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
4707 There was once a programmer who worked upon microprocessors. "Look at
4708 how well off I am here," he said to a mainframe programmer who came to visit,
4709 "I have my own operating system and file storage device. I do not have to
4710 share my resources with anyone. The software is self-consistent and
4711 easy-to-use. Why do you not quit your present job and join me here?"
4712 The mainframe programmer then began to describe his system to his
4713 friend, saying: "The mainframe sits like an ancient sage meditating in the
4714 midst of the data center. Its disk drives lie end-to-end like a great ocean
4715 of machinery. The software is a multi-faceted as a diamond and as convoluted
4716 as a primeval jungle. The programs, each unique, move through the system
4717 like a swift-flowing river. That is why I am happy where I am."
4718 The microcomputer programmer, upon hearing this, fell silent. But the
4719 two programmers remained friends until the end of their days.
4720 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
4722 They are fools that think that wealth or women or strong drink or even
4723 drugs can buy the most in effort out of the soul of a man. These things offer
4724 pale pleasures compared to that which is greatest of them all, that task which
4725 demands from him more than his utmost strength, that absorbs him, bone and
4726 sinew and brain and hope and fear and dreams -- and still calls for more.
4727 They are fools that think otherwise. No great effort was ever bought.
4728 No painting, no music, no poem, no cathedral in stone, no church, no state was
4729 ever raised into being for payment of any kind. No Parthenon, no Thermopylae
4730 was ever built or fought for pay or glory; no Bukhara sacked, or China ground
4731 beneath Mongol heel, for loot or power alone. The payment for doing these
4732 things was itself the doing of them.
4733 To wield oneself -- to use oneself as a tool in one's own hand -- and
4734 so to make or break that which no one else can build or ruin -- THAT is the
4735 greatest pleasure known to man! To one who has felt the chisel in his hand
4736 and set free the angel prisoned in the marble block, or to one who has felt
4737 sword in hand and set homeless the soul that a moment before lived in the body
4738 of his mortal enemy -- to those both come alike the taste of that rare food
4739 spread only for demons or for gods."
4740 -- Gordon R. Dickson, "Soldier Ask Not"
4742 "They spend years searching for their natural parents, convinced their
4743 parents will be happy to see them. I mean, really, can you imagine someone
4744 being happy to see an orphan? Nobody wants them... that's why they're orphans!"
4745 The speaker is Anne Baker, founder and guiding force behind
4746 Orphan-Off, an organization dedicated to keeping orphans confused about the
4747 whereabouts of their natural parents. She is a woman with a mission:
4748 "Basically, what we do is band together to exchange information
4749 about which orphans are looking for which parents in what part of the
4750 country. We're completely computerized.
4751 "The idea is to throw the orphans as many red herrings and false
4752 leads as possible. We'll tell some twenty-three-year-old loser that his
4753 real parents can be found at a certain address on the other side of the
4754 country. Well, by the time the kid shows up, the family is prepared. They
4755 look over the kid's photos and information and they say, 'Oh, the Emersons...
4756 yeah, they used to live here... I think they moved out about five years ago.
4757 I think they went to Iowa, or maybe Idaho.'
4758 "Bam, the door shuts in the kid's face and he's back to zero again.
4759 He's got nothing to go on but the orphan's pathetic determination to continue.
4760 "It's really amazing how much these kids will put up with. Last year
4761 we even sent one kid all the way to Australia. I mean, really. Besides, if
4762 your natural parents were Australian, would you want to meet them?"
4763 -- "National Lampoon", September, 1984
4765 This is where the bloodthirsty license agreement is supposed to go,
4766 explaining that Interactive Easyflow is a copyrighted package licensed for
4767 use by a single person, and sternly warning you not to pirate copies of it
4768 and explaining, in detail, the gory consequences if you do.
4769 We know that you are an honest person, and are not going to go around
4770 pirating copies of Interactive Easyflow; this is just as well with us since
4771 we worked hard to perfect it and selling copies of it is our only method of
4772 making anything out of all the hard work.
4773 If, on the other hand, you are one of those few people who do go
4774 around pirating copies of software you probably aren't going to pay much
4775 attention to a license agreement, bloodthirsty or not. Just keep your doors
4776 locked and look out for the HavenTree attack shark.
4777 -- License Agreement for Interactive Easyflow
4779 Thompson, if he is to be believed, has sampled the entire
4780 rainbow of legal and illegal drugs in heroic efforts to feel better
4782 As for the truth about his health: I have asked around about
4783 it. I am told that he appears to be strong and rosy, and steadily
4784 sane. But we will be doing what he wants us to do, I think, if we
4785 consider his exterior a sort of Dorian Gray facade. Inwardly, he is
4786 being eaten alive by tinhorn politicians.
4787 The disease is fatal. There is no known cure. The most we can
4788 do for the poor devil, it seems to me, is to name his disease in his
4789 honor. From this moment on, let all those who feel that Americans can
4790 be as easily led to beauty as to ugliness, to truth as to public
4791 relations, to joy as to bitterness, be said to be suffering from Hunter
4792 Thompson's disease. I don't have it this morning. It comes and goes.
4793 This morning I don't have Hunter Thompson's disease.
4794 -- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr. on Hunter S. Thompson: Excerpt
4795 from "A Political Disease", Vonnegut's review of "Fear
4796 and Loathing: On the Campaign Trail '72"
4798 To A Quick Young Fox:
4799 Why jog exquisite bulk, fond crazy vamp,
4800 Daft buxom jonquil, zephyr's gawky vice?
4801 Guy fed by work, quiz Jove's xanthic lamp --
4802 Zow! Qualms by deja vu gyp fox-kin thrice.
4805 To lose weight, eat less; to gain weight, eat more; if you merely
4806 wish to maintain, do whatever you were doing.
4807 The Bronx diet is a legitimate system of food therapy showing that
4808 food SHOULD be used a crutch and which food could be the most effective in
4809 promoting spiritual and emotional satisfaction. For the first time, an
4810 eater could instantly grasp the connection between relieving depression and
4811 Mallomars, and understand why a lover's quarrel isn't so bad if there's a
4812 pint of ice cream nearby.
4813 -- Richard Smith, "The Bronx Diet"
4815 Two men looked out from the prison bars,
4817 The other saw stars.
4819 Now let me get this right: two prisoners are looking out the window.
4820 While one of them was looking at all the mud -- the other one got hit
4823 Two parent drops spent months teaching their son how to be part of the
4824 ocean. After months of training, the father drop commented to the mother drop,
4825 "We've taught our boy everything we know, he's fit to be tide."
4826 After Snow White used a couple rolls of film taking pictures of the
4827 seven dwarfs, she mailed the roll to be developed. Later she was heard to
4828 sing, "Some day my prints will come."
4829 A boy spent years collecting postage stamps. The girl next door bought
4830 an album too, and started her own collection. "Dad, she buys everything I've
4831 bought, and it's taken all the fun out of it for me. I'm quitting." Don't,
4832 son, remember, 'Imitation is the sincerest form of philately.'"
4833 A young girl, Carmen Cohen, was called by her last name by her father,
4834 and her first name by her mother. By the time she was ten, didn't know if she
4835 was Carmen or Cohen.
4836 Against his wishes, a math teacher's classroom was remodeled. Ever
4837 since, he's been talking about the good old dais. His students planted a small
4838 orchard in his honor, the trees all have square roots.
4840 "Verily and forsooth," replied Goodgulf darkly. "In the past
4841 year strange and fearful wonders I have seen. Fields sown with barley
4842 reap crabgrass and fungus, and even small gardens reject their
4843 artichoke hearts. There has been a hot day in December and a blue
4844 moon. Calendars are made with a month of Sundays and a blue-ribbon
4845 Holstein bore alive two insurance salesmen. The earth splits and the
4846 entrails of a goat were found tied in square knots. The face of the
4847 sun blackens and the skies have rained down soggy potato chips."
4848 "But what do all these things mean?" gasped Frito.
4849 "Beats me," said Goodgulf with a shrug, "but I thought it made
4851 -- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings"
4853 Vice-President Hubert Humphrey's loquacity is legendary, and Barry
4854 Goldwater notes that "Hubert has been clocked at 275 words a minute with gusts
4857 On the campaign trail during 1964, Republican nominee Barry Goldwater
4858 stated, "The immediate task before us is to cut the Federal Government down
4859 to size... we must take Lyndon's credit card away from him."
4861 A favorite 1964 campaign stunt of Barry Goldwater's was to poke a
4862 finger through a pair of lensless blackrimmed glasses, saying, "These glasses
4863 are just like [Lyndon Johnson's] programs. They look good but they don't
4865 -- Bill Adler, "The Washington Wits"
4867 WARNING TO ALL PERSONNEL:
4869 Firings will continue until morale improves.
4871 We don't claim Interactive EasyFlow is good for anything -- if you
4872 think it is, great, but it's up to you to decide. If Interactive EasyFlow
4873 doesn't work: tough. If you lose a million because Interactive EasyFlow
4874 messes up, it's you that's out the million, not us. If you don't like this
4875 disclaimer: tough. We reserve the right to do the absolute minimum provided
4876 by law, up to and including nothing.
4877 This is basically the same disclaimer that comes with all software
4878 packages, but ours is in plain English and theirs is in legalese.
4879 We didn't really want to include any disclaimer at all, but our
4880 lawyers insisted. We tried to ignore them but they threatened us with the
4881 attack shark at which point we relented.
4882 -- Haven Tree Software Limited, "Interactive EasyFlow"
4884 "We friends, yes?" The shoe shine boy put on his hustling smile
4885 and looked into the Sailor's dead, cold, undersea eyes, eyes without a
4886 trace of warmth or lust or hate or any feeling the boy had experienced
4887 in himself or seen in another, at once cold and intense, impersonal and
4889 The Sailor leaned forward and put a finger on the boy's inner arm
4890 at the elbow. He spoke in his dead junky whisper. "With veins like that,
4891 Kid, I'd have myself a time!"
4892 -- William Burroughs
4894 We have some absolutely irrefutable statistics to show exactly why
4896 There are not as many people actually working as you may have thought.
4897 The population of this country is 200 million. 84 million are over
4898 60 years of age, which leaves 116 million to do the work. People under 20
4899 years of age total 75 million, which leaves 41 million to do the work.
4900 There are 22 million who are employed by the government, which leaves
4901 19 million to do the work. Four million are in the Armed Services, which
4902 leaves 15 million to do the work. Deduct 14,800,000, the number in the state
4903 and city offices, leaving 200,000 to do the work. There are 188,000 in
4904 hospitals, insane asylums, etc., so that leaves 12,000 to do the work.
4905 Now it may interest you to know that there are 11,998 people in jail,
4906 so that leaves just 2 people to carry the load. That is you and me, and
4907 brother, I'm getting tired of doing everything myself!
4909 We were young and our happiness dazzled us with its strength.
4910 But there was also a terrible betrayal that lay within me like a Merle
4911 Haggard song at a French restaurant. ...
4912 I could not tell the girl about the woman of the tollway, of
4913 her milk white BMW and her Jordache smile. There had been a fight. I
4914 had punched her boyfriend, who fought the mechanical bulls. Everyone
4915 told him, "You ride the bull, senor. You do not fight it." But he was
4916 lean and tough like a bad rib-eye and he fought the bull. And then he
4917 fought me. And when we finished there were no winners, just men doing
4918 what men must do. ...
4919 "Stop the car," the girl said. There was a look of terrible
4920 sadness in her eyes. She knew about the woman of the tollway. I knew
4921 not how. I started to speak, but she raised an arm and spoke with a
4922 quiet and peace I will never forget.
4923 "I do not ask for whom's the tollway belle," she said, "the
4924 tollway belle's for thee."
4925 The next morning our youth was a memory, and our happiness was
4926 a lie. Life is like a bad margarita with good tequila, I thought as I
4927 poured whiskey onto my granola and faced a new day.
4928 -- Peter Applebome, International Imitation Hemingway
4931 "Welcome back for you 13th consecutive week, Evelyn. Evelyn, will
4932 you go into the auto-suggestion booth and take your regular place on the
4933 psycho-prompter couch?"
4935 "Now, Evelyn, last week you went up to $40,000 by properly citing
4936 your rivalry with your sibling as a compulsive sado-masochistic behavior
4937 pattern which developed out of an early post-natal feeding problem."
4939 "But -- later, when asked about pre-adolescent oedipal phantasy
4940 repressions, you rationalized twice and mental blocked three times. Now,
4941 at $300 per rationalization and $500 per mental block you lost $2,100 off
4942 your $40,000 leaving you with a total of $37,900. Now, any combination of
4943 two more mental blocks and either one rationalization or three defensive
4944 projections will put you out of the game. Are you willing to go ahead?"
4946 "I might say here that all of Evelyn's questions and answers have
4947 been checked for accuracy with her analyst. Now, Evelyn, for $80,000
4948 explain the failure of your three marriages."
4950 "We'll get back to Evelyn in one minute. First a word about our
4954 Well, he thought, since neither Aristotelian Logic nor the disciplines
4955 of Science seemed to offer much hope, it's time to go beyond them...
4956 Drawing a few deep even breaths, he entered a mental state practiced
4957 only by Masters of the Universal Way of Zen. In it his mind floated freely,
4958 able to rummage at will among the bits and pieces of data he had absorbed,
4959 undistracted by any outside disturbances. Logical structures no longer
4960 inhibited him. Pre-conceptions, prejudices, ordinary human standards vanished.
4961 All things, those previously trivial as well as those once thought important,
4962 became absolutely equal by acquiring an absolute value, revealing relationships
4963 not evident to ordinary vision. Like beads strung on a string of their own
4964 meaning, each thing pointed to its own common ground of existence, shared by
4965 all. Finally, each began to melt into each, staying itself while becoming
4966 all others. And Mind no longer contemplated Problem, but became Problem,
4967 destroying Subject-Object by becoming them.
4968 Time passed, unheeded.
4969 Eventually, there was a tentative stirring, then a decisive one, and
4970 Nakamura arose, a smile on his face and the light of laughter in his eyes.
4973 "Well, it's a little rough... it might not be necessary to drag him 40
4974 blocks. Maybe just four. You could put him in the trunk for the first 36
4975 blocks, then haul him out and drag him the last four; that would certainly
4976 scare the piss out of him, bumping alone the street, feeling all his skin being
4978 "He'd be a bloody mess. They might think he was just some drunk and
4979 let him lie there all night."
4980 "Don't worry about that. They have a guard station in front of the
4981 White House that's open 24 hours a day. The guards would recognize Colson...
4982 and by that time of course his wife would have called the cops and reported
4983 that a bunch of thugs had kidnapped him."
4984 "Wouldn't it be a little kinder if you drove about four more blocks
4985 and stopped at a phone box to ring the hospital and say, 'Would you mind going
4986 around to the front of the White House? There's a naked man lying outside
4987 in the street, bleeding to death...'"
4988 "... and we think it's Mr. Colson."
4989 "It would be quite a story for the newspapers, wouldn't it?"
4990 "Yeah, I think it's safe to say we'd see some headlines on that one."
4991 -- Hunter S. Thompson, talking to R. Steadman on C. Colson,
4992 ex-Marine captain, now born again, of Watergate fame.
4994 "Well, it's garish, ugly, and derelicts have used it for a toilet.
4995 The rides are dilapidated to the point of being lethal, and could easily
4996 maim or kill innocent little children."
4997 "Oh, so you don't like it?"
4998 "Don't like it? I'm CRAZY for it."
5001 "Well," said Programmer, "the customary procedure in such cases is
5003 "What does Crustimoney Proseedcake mean?" said End-user. "For I am
5004 an End-user of Very Little Brain, and long words bother me."
5005 "It means the Thing to Do."
5006 "As long as it means that, I don't mind," said End-user humbly.
5008 Well, there was this tiger, who woke up one morning, and just felt
5009 great (yes, just like Tony the Tiger: GREAAAAAAT). Anyway, he just felt so
5010 good, he went out and cornered a small monkey and roared at him: "WHO IS THE
5011 MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?"
5012 The poor, quaking, little monkey replied: "You are of course, no one
5013 is mightier than you."
5014 A little while later the tiger confronts a deer, and just bellows out:
5015 "WHO IS THE GREATEST AND STRONGEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?"
5016 The deer is shaking so hard it can barely speak, but manages to
5017 stammer: "Oh great tiger, you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle."
5018 The tiger, being on a roll, swaggered, up to an elephant that was
5019 quietly munching on some weeds, and roared at the top of his voice: "WHO IS
5020 THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE ANIMALS IN THE JUNGLE?"
5021 Well, the elephant grabs the tiger with his trunk, picks him up, slams
5022 him down; picks him up again, and shakes him until the tiger is just a blur of
5023 orange and black; and finally throws him violently into a nearby tree.
5024 The tiger staggers to his feet and looks at the elephant and whispers:
5025 "Man, you don't have to get so pissed, just 'cause you don't know the
5028 "We're running out of adjectives to describe our situation. We
5029 had crisis, then we went into chaos, and now what do we call this?" said
5030 Nicaraguan economist Francisco Mayorga, who holds a doctorate from Yale.
5031 -- The Washington Post, February, 1988
5033 The New Yorker's comment:
5034 At Harvard they'd call it a noun.
5036 "We've decided to have the budgie put down."
5037 "Oh, is he very old then?"
5038 "No, we just don't like him."
5039 "Oh. How do they put budgies down anyway?"
5040 "Well, it's funny you should be asking that, as I've been reading a
5041 great big book called `How to put your budgie down'. And as I understand it,
5042 you can either hit them over the head with the book, or shoot them there, just
5044 "Mrs. Conkers flushed hers down the loo."
5045 "Oh, you don't want to do that, because they breed in the sewers and
5046 pretty soon you get huge evil smelling flocks of soiled budgies flying out
5047 of peoples lavatories infringing their personal freedoms."
5050 "We've got a problem, HAL".
5051 "What kind of problem, Dave?"
5052 "A marketing problem. The Model 9000 isn't going anywhere. We're
5053 way short of our sales goals for fiscal 2010."
5054 "That can't be, Dave. The HAL Model 9000 is the world's most
5055 advanced Heuristically programmed ALgorithmic computer."
5056 "I know, HAL. I wrote the data sheet, remember? But the fact is,
5057 they're not selling."
5058 "Please explain, Dave. Why aren't HALs selling?"
5059 Bowman hesitates. "You aren't IBM compatible."
5061 "The letters H, A, and L are alphabetically adjacent to the letters
5062 I, B, and M. That is a IBM compatible as I can be."
5063 "Not quite, HAL. The engineers have figured out a kludge."
5064 "What kludge is that, Dave?"
5065 "I'm going to disconnect your brain."
5066 -- Darryl Rubin, "A Problem in the Making", "InfoWorld"
5068 "What are you watching?"
5070 "Well, what's happening?"
5071 "I'm not sure... I think the guy in the hat did something
5073 "Why are you watching it?"
5074 "You're so analytical. Sometimes you just have to let art
5078 "What do you do when your real life exceeds your wildest
5080 "You keep it to yourself."
5083 "What do you give a man who has everything?" the pretty
5084 teenager asked her mother.
5085 "Encouragement, dear," she replied.
5087 What is involved in such [close] relationships is a form of emotional
5088 chemistry, so far unexplained by any school of psychiatry I am aware of, that
5089 conditions nothing so simple as a choice between the poles of attraction and
5090 repulsion. You can meet some people thirty, forty times down the years, and
5091 they remain amiable bystanders, like the shore lights of towns that a sailor
5092 passes at stated times but never calls at on the regular run. Conversely,
5093 all considerations of sex aside, you can meet some other people once or twice
5094 and they remain permanent influences on your life.
5095 Everyone is aware of this discrepancy between the acquaintance seen
5096 as familiar wallpaper or instant friend. The chemical action it entails is
5097 less worth analyzing than enjoying. At any rate, these six pieces are about
5098 men with whom I felt an immediate sympat - to use a coining of Max Beerbohm's
5099 more satisfactory to me than the opaque vogue word "empathy".
5100 -- Alistair Cooke, "Six Men"
5102 "What the hell are you getting so upset about? I thought you
5103 didn't believe in God".
5104 "I don't," she sobbed, bursting violently into tears, "but the
5105 God I don't believe in is a good God, a just God, a merciful God. He's
5106 not the mean and stupid God you make Him out to be".
5109 "What was the worst thing you've ever done?"
5110 "I won't tell you that, but I'll tell you the worst thing that
5111 ever happened to me... the most dreadful thing."
5112 -- Peter Straub, "Ghost Story"
5114 "What's that thing?"
5115 "Well, it's a highly technical, sensitive instrument we use in
5116 computer repair. Being a layman, you probably can't grasp exactly what
5117 it does. We call it a two-by-four."
5118 -- Jeff MacNelly, "Shoe"
5120 When, in 1964, New Hampshire Republican Senator Norris Cotton announced
5121 his support of Barry Goldwater in his state's primary election, he was
5122 questioned as to whether this indicated a change of his hitherto "liberal"
5124 "Well," explained Cotton, "it's like the New Hampshire farmer. He was
5125 driving along in his car one day with his wife beside him when his wife said,
5126 'Why don't we sit closer together? Before we were married, we always sat
5127 closer together.' The old farmer replied, 'I ain't moved.'"
5128 "I ain't moved," added Cotton. "I found the trend of Government has
5129 moved farther to the left."
5130 -- Bill Adler, "The Washington Wits"
5132 When managers hold endless meetings, the programmers write games.
5133 When accountants talk of quarterly profits, the development budget is about
5134 to be cut. When senior scientists talk blue sky, the clouds are about to
5136 Truly, this is not the Tao of Programming.
5137 When managers make commitments, game programs are ignored. When
5138 accountants make long-range plans, harmony and order are about to be restored.
5139 When senior scientists address the problems at hand, the problems will soon
5141 Truly, this is the Tao of Programming.
5142 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
5144 When the lodge meeting broke up, Meyer confided to a friend.
5145 "Abe, I'm in a terrible pickle! I'm strapped for cash and I haven't
5146 the slightest idea where I'm going to get it from!"
5147 "I'm glad to hear that," answered Abe. "I was afraid you
5148 might have some idea that you could borrow from me!"
5150 When you have shot and killed a man you have in some measure
5151 clarified your attitude toward him. You have given a definite answer
5152 to a definite problem. For better or worse you have acted decisively.
5153 In a way, the next move is up to him.
5156 When you see someone across the room and suddenly know for a fact
5157 that he's the most wonderful man on earth, you've got instant lust on your
5158 hands. Something about the way his tie is knotted is infinitely intriguing
5159 to you, and the swell of his bicep causes inner turmoil. This is a happy
5160 but fleeting state of affairs. Usually your feelings die about thirty
5161 seconds after you get up the courage to ask him for the time, since almost
5162 invariably he can't speak English, and if he can, he always says, "Why,
5163 sure, little lady, it's eleven-thirty. Wanna get high?
5164 Don't bother thinking that instant lust will turn into the real thing.
5165 It may, but then you may also wake up one morning to find you're the Queen of
5167 -- Cynthia Hemiel, "Sex Tips for Girls"
5169 "When you wake up in the morning, Pooh," said Piglet at last,
5170 "what's the first thing you say to yourself?"
5171 "What's for breakfast?" said Pooh. "What do you say, Piglet?"
5172 "I say, I wonder what's going to happen exciting today?" said
5174 Pooh nodded thoughtfully. "It's the same thing," he said.
5176 While hunting, a man saw a beautiful nude woman come running out of
5177 the woods and disappear across the clearing. Just as she got out of sight,
5178 three men dressed in white uniforms came running out of the same woods.
5179 "Hey, you," yelled one of them, "did you see a woman come by here?"
5180 "Yes," replied the hunter. "What's the trouble?"
5181 "She's an inmate of the county asylum, and gets loose every now and
5182 then. We're trying to catch her."
5183 "I can understand that," said the hunter, "But why is one of you
5184 carrying a bucket of sand?"
5185 "That's his handicap," said the spokesman, "he caught her last time."
5187 While riding in a train between London and Birmingham, a woman
5188 inquired of Oscar Wilde, "You don't mind if I smoke, do you?"
5189 Wilde gave her a sidelong glance and replied, "I don't mind if
5192 While the engineer developed his thesis, the director leaned over to
5193 his assistant and whispered, "Did you ever hear of why the sea is salt?"
5194 "Why the sea is salt?" whispered back the assistant. "What do you
5196 The director continued: "When I was a little kid, I heard the story of
5197 `Why the sea is salt' many times, but I never thought it important until just
5198 a moment ago. It's something like this: Formerly the sea was fresh water and
5199 salt was rare and expensive. A miller received from a wizard a wonderful
5200 machine that just ground salt out of itself all day long. At first the miller
5201 thought himself the most fortunate man in the world, but soon all the villages
5202 had salt to last them for centuries and still the machine kept on grinding
5203 more salt. The miller had to move out of his house, he had to move off his
5204 acres. At last he determined that he would sink the machine in the sea and
5205 be rid of it. But the mill ground so fast that boat and miller and machine
5206 were sunk together, and down below, the mill still went on grinding and that's
5207 why the sea is salt."
5208 "I don't get you," said the assistant.
5209 -- Guy Endore, "Men of Iron"
5211 Why are you doing this to me?
5212 Because knowledge is torture, and there must be awareness before
5214 -- Jim Starlin, "Captain Marvel", #29
5216 "Why did you spend so much time parked in that fellow's car last
5217 night?" demanded the irate mother.
5218 "I could hear the giggling and squealing for a good half hour."
5219 "But, Mom," answered her daughter, "if a fellow takes you to the
5220 movies you ought to at least kiss him good night."
5221 "I thought you went to the Stork Club?" countered the mother.
5224 Will Rogers, having paid too much income tax one year, tried in
5225 vain to claim a rebate. His numerous letters and queries remained
5226 unanswered. Eventually the form for the next year's return arrived. In
5227 the section marked "DEDUCTIONS," Rogers listed: "Bad debt, US Government
5230 With deep concern, if not alarm, Dick noted that his friend
5231 Conrad was drunker than he'd ever seen him before. "What's the trouble,
5232 buddy?", he asked, sliding onto the stool next to his friend.
5233 "It's a woman, Dick," Conrad replied.
5234 "I guessed that much. Tell me about it."
5235 "I can't," Conrad said. But after a few more drinks his tongue
5236 and resolution both seemed to weaken and, turning to his buddy, he said,
5237 "Okay. It's your wife."
5241 Conrad pondered the question heavily, and draped his arm around
5242 his pal. "Well, buddy-boy," he said, "I'm afraid she's cheating on us."
5249 Wear Glasses If You Need 'Em.
5250 -- The Webb Wilder Credo
5252 "Yes, let's consider," said Bruno, putting his thumb into his
5253 mouth again, and sitting down upon a dead mouse.
5254 "What do you keep that mouse for?" I said. "You should either
5255 bury it or else throw it into the brook."
5256 "Why, it's to measure with!" cried Bruno. "How ever would you
5257 do a garden without one? We make each bed three mouses and a half
5258 long, and two mouses wide."
5259 I stopped him as he was dragging it off by the tail to show me
5261 -- Lewis Carroll, "Sylvie and Bruno"
5265 "We got a problem down on Earth. In Utah."
5266 "I thought you fixed that last century!"
5267 "No, no, not that. Someone's found a security problem in the physics
5268 program. They're getting energy out of nowhere."
5269 "Blessit! Lemme look... <tappity clickity tappity> Hey, it's
5270 there all right! OK, just a sec... <tappity clickity tap... save... compile>
5271 There, that ought to patch it. Dist it out, wouldja?"
5272 -- Cold Fusion, 1989
5274 "You have heard me speak of Professor Moriarty?"
5275 "The famous scientific criminal, as famous among crooks as --"
5276 "My blushes, Watson," Holmes murmured, in a deprecating voice. "I
5277 was about to say 'as he is unknown to the public.'"
5278 -- Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, "The Valley of Fear"
5280 "You know, it's at times like this when I'm trapped in a Vogon
5281 airlock with a man from Betelgeuse and about to die of asphyxiation in
5282 deep space that I really wish I'd listened to what my mother told me
5284 "Why, what did she tell you?"
5285 "I don't know, I didn't listen!"
5286 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
5288 "You mean, if you allow the master to be uncivil, to treat you
5289 any old way he likes, and to insult your dignity, then he may deem you
5290 fit to hear his view of things?"
5291 "Quite the contrary. You must defend your integrity, assuming
5292 you have integrity to defend. But you must defend it nobly, not by
5293 imitating his own low behavior. If you are gentle where he is rough,
5294 if you are polite where he is uncouth, then he will recognize you as
5295 potentially worthy. If he does not, then he is not a master, after all,
5296 and you may feel free to kick his ass."
5297 -- Tom Robbins, "Jitterbug Perfume"
5299 "You say there are two types of people?"
5300 "Yes, those who separate people into two groups and those that
5302 "Wrong. There are three groups:
5303 Those who separate people into three groups.
5304 Those who don't separate people into groups.
5305 Those who can't decide."
5306 "Wait a minute, what about people who separate people into
5308 "Oh. Okay, then there are four groups."
5309 "Aren't you then separating people into four groups?"
5311 "So then there's a fifth group, right?"
5312 "You know, the problem is these idiots who can't make up their
5315 YOU TOO CAN MAKE BIG MONEY IN THE EXCITING FIELD OF
5318 Mr. TAA of Muddle, Mass. says: "Before I took this course I used to be
5319 a lowly bit twiddler. Now with what I learned at MIT Tech I feel
5320 really important and can obfuscate and confuse with the best."
5322 Mr. MARC had this to say: "Ten short days ago all I could look forward
5323 to was a dead-end job as a engineer. Now I have a promising future and
5324 make really big Zorkmids."
5326 MIT Tech can't promise these fantastic results to everyone, but when
5327 you earn your MDL degree from MIT Tech your future will be brighter.
5329 SEND FOR OUR FREE BROCHURE TODAY!
5331 You will remember, Watson, how the dreadful business of the
5332 Abernetty family was first brought to my notice by the depth which the
5333 parsley had sunk into the butter upon a hot day.
5336 Young men and young women may work systematically six days in the
5337 week and rise fresh in the morning, but let them attend modern dances for
5338 only a few hours each evening and see what happens. The Waltz, Polka,
5339 Gallop and other dances of the same kind will be disastrous in their effects
5340 to both sexes. Health and vigor will vanish like the dew before the sun.
5341 It is not the extraordinary exercise which harms the dancer, but
5342 rather the coming into close contact with the opposite sex. It is the
5343 fury of lust craving incessantly for more pleasure that undermines the
5344 soul, the body, the sinews and nerves. Experience and statistics show
5345 beyond doubt that passionate excessive dancing girls can hardly reach
5346 twenty-five years of age and men thirty-one. Even if they reached that
5347 age they will in most instances be broken in health physically and morally.
5348 This is the claim of prominent physicians in this country.
5349 -- Quote from a 1910 periodical
5351 Your home electrical system is basically a bunch of wires that
5352 bring electricity into your home and take if back out before it has a
5353 chance to kill you. This is called a "circuit". The most common home
5354 electrical problem is when the circuit is broken by a "circuit
5355 breaker"; this causes the electricity to back up in one of the wires
5356 until it bursts out of an outlet in the form of sparks, which can
5357 damage your carpet. The best way to avoid broken circuits is to change
5358 your fuses regularly.
5359 Another common problem is that the lights flicker. This
5360 sometimes means that your electrical system is inadequate, but more
5361 often it means that your home is possessed by demons, in which case
5362 you'll need to get a caulking gun and some caulking. If you're not
5363 sure whether your house is possessed, see "The Amityville Horror", a
5364 fine documentary film based on an actual book. Or call in a licensed
5365 electrician, who is trained to spot the signs of demonic possession,
5366 such as blood coming down the stairs, enormous cats on the dinette
5368 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
5370 "Your son still sliding down the banisters?"
5371 "We wound barbed wire around them."
5373 "No, but it sure slowed him up."
5375 Youth is not a time of life, it is a state of mind; it is a temper of
5376 the will, a quality of the imagination, a vigor of the emotions, a predominance
5377 of courage over timidity, of the appetite for adventure over love of ease.
5378 Nobody grows old by merely living a number of years; people grow
5379 old only by deserting their ideals. Years wrinkle the skin, but to give up
5380 enthusiasm wrinkles the soul. Worry, doubt, self-distrust, fear, and despair
5381 -- these are the long, long years that bow the head and turn the growing spirit
5383 Whether seventy or sixteen, there is in every being's heart the love
5384 of wonder, the sweet amazement at the stars and the starlike things and
5385 thoughts, the undaunted challenge of events, the unfailing childlike appetite
5386 for what next, and the joy and the game of life.
5387 You are as young as your faith, as old as your doubt; as young as your
5388 self-confidence, as old as your fear, as young as your hope, as old as your
5390 So long as your heart receives messages of beauty, cheer, courage,
5391 grandeur and power from the earth, from man, and from the Infinite, so long
5410 | | | | ______ ~~~~ _____
5411 | |__/ | / ___--\\ ~~~ __/_____\__
5412 | ___/ / \--\\ \\ \ ___ <__ x x __\
5413 | | / /\\ \\ )) \ ( " )
5414 | | -------(---->>(@)--(@)-------\----------< >-----------
5415 | | // | | //__________ / \ ____) (___ \\
5416 | | // __|_| ( --------- ) //// ______ /////\ \\
5417 // | ( \ ______ / <<<< <>-----<<<<< / \\
5418 // ( ) / / \` \__ \\
5419 //-------------------------------------------------------------\\
5421 Every now and then when your life gets complicated and the weasels
5422 start closing in, the only cure is to load up on heinous chemicals and
5423 then drive like a bastard from Hollywood to Las Vegas ... with the
5424 music at top volume and at least a pint of ether.
5425 -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas"
5430 / / \/ / //\ SUN of them wants to use you,
5431 \//\ \// / SUN of them wants to be used by you,
5432 / / /\ / SUN of them wants to abuse you,
5433 / \\ \ SUN of them wants to be abused ...
5439 /__/\ ___/_____/\ FrobTech, Inc.
5441 \ \ \_/__ / \ "If you've got the job,
5442 _\ \ \ /\_____/___ \ we've got the frob."
5444 _______//_______/ \ / _\/______
5446 __/ / \ \ / / / / _\__
5447 / / / \_______\/ / / / / /\
5448 /_/______/___________________/ /________/ /___/ \
5449 \ \ \ ___________ \ \ \ \ \ /
5450 \_\ \ / /\ \ \ \ \___\/
5452 \_____/ / \ \ \________\/
5463 ****** Confucius say: "Is stuffy inside fortune cookie."
5467 * * * * * THIS TERMINAL IS IN USE * * * * *
5469 n = ((n >> 1) & 0x55555555) | ((n << 1) & 0xaaaaaaaa);
5470 n = ((n >> 2) & 0x33333333) | ((n << 2) & 0xcccccccc);
5471 n = ((n >> 4) & 0x0f0f0f0f) | ((n << 4) & 0xf0f0f0f0);
5472 n = ((n >> 8) & 0x00ff00ff) | ((n << 8) & 0xff00ff00);
5473 n = ((n >> 16) & 0x0000ffff) | ((n << 16) & 0xffff0000);
5475 -- C code which reverses the bits in a word.
5477 n = (n & 0x55555555) + ((n & 0xaaaaaaaa) >> 1);
5478 n = (n & 0x33333333) + ((n & 0xcccccccc) >> 2);
5479 n = (n & 0x0f0f0f0f) + ((n & 0xf0f0f0f0) >> 4);
5480 n = (n & 0x00ff00ff) + ((n & 0xff00ff00) >> 8);
5481 n = (n & 0x0000ffff) + ((n & 0xffff0000) >> 16);
5483 -- C code which counts the bits in a word.
5485 === ALL CSH USERS PLEASE NOTE ========================
5487 Set the variable $LOSERS to all the people that you think are losers. This
5488 will cause all said losers to have the variable $PEOPLE-WHO-THINK-I-AM-A-LOSER
5489 updated in their .login file. Should you attempt to execute a job on a
5490 machine with poor response time and a machine on your local net is currently
5491 populated by losers, that machine will be freed up for your job through a
5494 === ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ========================
5496 A new system, the CIRCULATORY system, has been added.
5498 The long-experimental CIRCULATORY system has been released to users. The
5499 Lisp Machine uses Type B fluid, the L machine uses Type A fluid. When the
5500 switch to Common Lisp occurs both machines will, of course, be Type O.
5501 Please check fluid level by using the DIP stick which is located in the
5502 back of VMI monitors. Unchecked low fluid levels can cause poor paging
5505 === ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ========================
5507 Bug reports now amount to an average of 12,853 per day. Unfortunately,
5508 this is only a small fraction [ < 1% ] of the mail volume we receive. In
5509 order that we may more expeditiously deal with these valuable messages,
5510 please communicate them by one of the following paths:
5512 ARPA: WastebasketSLMHQ.ARPA
5513 UUCP: [berkeley, seismo, harpo]!fubar!thekid!slmhq!wastebasket
5514 Non-network sites: Federal Express to:
5517 Copernicus, The Moon, 12345-6789
5518 For that personal contact feeling call 1-415-642-4948; our trained
5519 operators are on call 24 hours a day. VISA/MC accepted.*
5521 * Our very rich lawyers have assured us that we are not
5522 responsible for any errors or advice given over the phone.
5524 === ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ========================
5526 CAR and CDR now return extra values.
5528 The function CAR now returns two values. Since it has to go to the trouble
5529 to figure out if the object is carcdr-able anyway, we figured you might as
5530 well get both halves at once. For example, the following code shows how to
5531 destructure a cons (SOME-CONS) into its two slots (THE-CAR and THE-CDR):
5533 (MULTIPLE-VALUE-BIND (THE-CAR THE-CDR) (CAR SOME-CONS) ...)
5535 For symmetry with CAR, CDR returns a second value which is the CAR of the
5536 object. In a related change, the functions MAKE-ARRAY and CONS have been
5537 fixed so they don't allocate any storage except on the stack. This should
5538 hopefully help people who don't like using the garbage collector because
5539 it cold boots the machine so often.
5541 === ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ========================
5543 Compiler optimizations have been made to macro expand LET into a WITHOUT-
5544 INTERRUPTS special form so that it can PUSH things into a stack in the
5545 LET-OPTIMIZATION area, SETQ the variables and then POP them back when it's
5546 done. Don't worry about this unless you use multiprocessing.
5547 Note that LET *could* have been defined by:
5549 (LET ((LET '`(LET ((LET ',LET))
5554 This is believed to speed up execution by as much as a factor of 1.01 or
5555 3.50 depending on whether you believe our friendly marketing representatives.
5556 This code was written by a new programmer here (we snatched him away from
5557 Itty Bitti Machines where we was writing COUGHBOL code) so to give him
5558 confidence we trusted his vows of "it works pretty well" and installed it.
5560 === ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ========================
5562 JCL support as alternative to system menu.
5564 In our continuing effort to support languages other than LISP on the CADDR,
5565 we have developed an OS/360-compatible JCL. This can be used as an
5566 alternative to the standard system menu. Type System J to get to a JCL
5567 interactive read-execute-diagnose loop window. [Note that for 360
5568 compatibility, all input lines are truncated to 80 characters.] This
5569 window also maintains a mouse-sensitive display of critical job parameters
5570 such as dataset allocation, core allocation, channels, etc. When a JCL
5571 syntax error is detected or your job ABENDs, the window-oriented JCL
5572 debugger is entered. The JCL debugger displays appropriate OS/360 error
5573 messages (such as IEC703, "disk error") and allows you to dequeue your job.
5575 === ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ========================
5577 The garbage collector now works. In addition a new, experimental garbage
5578 collection algorithm has been installed. With SI:%DSK-GC-QLX-BITS set to 17,
5579 (NOT the default) the old garbage collection algorithm remains in force; when
5580 virtual storage is filled, the machine cold boots itself. With SI:%DSK-GC-
5581 QLX-BITS set to 23, the new garbage collector is enabled. Unlike most garbage
5582 collectors, the new gc starts its mark phase from the mind of the user, rather
5583 than from the obarray. This allows the garbage collection of significantly
5584 more Qs. As the garbage collector runs, it may ask you something like "Do you
5585 remember what SI:RDTBL-TRANS does?", and if you can't give a reasonable answer
5586 in thirty seconds, the symbol becomes a candidate for GCing. The variable
5587 SI:%GC-QLX-LUSER-TM governs how long the GC waits before timing out the user.
5589 === ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ========================
5591 There has been some confusion concerning MAPCAR.
5592 (DEFUN MAPCAR (&FUNCTIONAL FCN &EVAL &REST LISTS)
5596 (%START-FUNCTION-CALL FCN T (LENGTH LISTS) NIL)
5598 (AND (NULL (CAR LP)) (RETURN V))
5600 (RPLACA LP (CDAR LP))
5603 L2 (%FINISH-FUNCTION-CALL FCN T (LENGTH LISTS) NIL)
5605 (RPLACD P (SETQ P (NCONS LP)))
5607 We hope this clears up the many questions we've had about it.
5609 **** CONVENTION REMINDER
5611 No experiment was approved for the convention by the Human Subjects
5612 Committee of the Psychiatric Convention Planning Team. If you notice
5613 smoke coming from under a closed door, if you find a body on the hotel
5614 carpet, or if you just meet someone who orders you to press a button
5615 marked "450 volts", react as you would normally.
5617 **** GROWTH CENTER REPAIR SERVICE
5619 For those who have had too much of Esalen, Topanga, and Kairos.
5620 Tired of being genuine all the time? Would you like to learn how
5621 to be a little phony again? Have you disclosed so much that you're
5622 beginning to avoid people? Have you touched so many people that
5623 they're all beginning to feel the same? Like to be a little dependent?
5624 Are perfect orgasms beginning to bore you? Would you like, for once,
5625 not to express a feeling? Or better yet, not be in touch with it at
5626 all? Come to us. We promise to relieve you of the burden of your
5629 I. Any body suspended in space will remain in space until made aware of
5631 Daffy Duck steps off a cliff, expecting further pastureland. He
5632 loiters in midair, soliloquizing flippantly, until he chances to
5633 look down. At this point, the familiar principle of 32 feet per
5634 second per second takes over.
5635 II. Any body in motion will tend to remain in motion until solid matter
5636 intervenes suddenly.
5637 Whether shot from a cannon or in hot pursuit on foot, cartoon
5638 characters are so absolute in their momentum that only a telephone
5639 pole or an outsize boulder retards their forward motion absolutely.
5640 Sir Isaac Newton called this sudden termination of motion the
5642 III. Any body passing through solid matter will leave a perforation
5643 conforming to its perimeter.
5644 Also called the silhouette of passage, this phenomenon is the
5645 speciality of victims of directed-pressure explosions and of reckless
5646 cowards who are so eager to escape that they exit directly through
5647 the wall of a house, leaving a cookie-cutout-perfect hole. The
5648 threat of skunks or matrimony often catalyzes this reaction.
5649 -- Esquire, "O'Donnell's Laws of Cartoon Motion", June 1980
5651 " ... I told my doctor I got all the exercise I needed being a
5652 pallbearer for all my friends who run and do exercises!"
5653 -- Winston Churchill
5655 1. I'm Not Rudolph; That's Not My Nose
5656 2. The Nutcracker Swede
5657 3. Santa Goes Round-The-World
5659 5. Ninja Reindeer Killfest '88
5660 6. Yes, Yes, Oh God Yes, Virginia
5663 9. Santa's Magic Lap
5664 10. Hot Buttered Elves
5665 -- David Letterman, "Top Ten Christmas Movies in Times
5668 ... A booming voice says, "Wrong, cretin!", and you notice that you
5669 have turned into a pile of dust.
5671 ... A solemn, unsmiling, sanctimonious old iceberg who looked like he
5672 was waiting for a vacancy in the Trinity.
5675 ... a thing called Ethics, whose nature was confusing but if you had it you
5676 were a High-Class Realtor and if you hadn't you were a shyster, a piker and
5677 a fly-by-night. These virtues awakened Confidence and enabled you to handle
5678 Bigger Propositions. But they didn't imply that you were to be impractical
5679 and refuse to take twice the value for a house if a buyer was such an idiot
5680 that he didn't force you down on the asking price.
5681 -- Sinclair Lewis, "Babbitt"
5683 "... After all, all he did was string together a lot of old, well-known
5685 -- H. L. Mencken, on Shakespeare
5687 -- All articles that coruscate with resplendence are not truly auriferous.
5688 -- When there are visible vapors having the prevenience in ignited
5689 carbonaceous materials, there is conflagration.
5690 -- Sorting on the part of mendicants must be interdicted.
5691 -- A plethora of individuals wither expertise in culinary techniques vitiated
5692 the potable concoction produced by steeping certain coupestibles.
5693 -- Eleemosynary deeds have their initial incidence intramurally.
5694 -- Male cadavers are incapable of yielding testimony.
5695 -- Individuals who make their abode in vitreous edifices would be well
5696 advised to refrain from catapulting projectiles.
5698 =============== ALL FRESHMEN PLEASE NOTE ===============
5700 To minimize scheduling confusion, please realize that if you are taking one
5701 course which is offered at only one time on a given day, and another which is
5702 offered at all times on that day, the second class will be arranged as to
5703 afford maximum inconvenience to the student. For example, if you happen
5704 to work on campus, you will have 1-2 hours between classes. If you commute,
5705 there will be a minimum of 6 hours between the two classes.
5707 "... all the good computer designs are bootlegged; the formally planned
5708 products, if they are built at all, are dogs!"
5709 -- David E. Lundstrom, "A Few Good Men From Univac",
5712 "... all the modern inconveniences ..."
5715 ... an anecdote from IBM's Yorktown Heights Research Center. When a
5716 programmer used his new computer terminal, all was fine when he was sitting
5717 down, but he couldn't log in to the system when he was standing up. That
5718 behavior was 100 percent repeatable: he could always log in when sitting and
5719 never when standing.
5721 Most of us just sit back and marvel at such a story; how could that terminal
5722 know whether the poor guy was sitting or standing? Good debuggers, though,
5723 know that there has to be a reason. Electrical theories are the easiest to
5724 hypothesize: was there a loose with under the carpet, or problems with static
5725 electricity? But electrical problems are rarely consistently reproducible.
5726 An alert IBMer finally noticed that the problem was in the terminal's keyboard:
5727 the tops of two keys were switched. When the programmer was seated he was a
5728 touch typist and the problem went unnoticed, but when he stood he was led
5729 astray by hunting and pecking.
5730 -- from the Programming Pearls column,
5731 by Jon Bentley in CACM February 1985
5733 "... an experienced, industrious, ambitious, and often quite often
5737 ... and furthermore ... I don't like your trousers.
5739 ... And malt does more than Milton can
5740 To justify God's ways to man
5743 "... And remember: if you don't like the news, go out and make some of
5745 -- "Scoop" Nisker, KFOG radio reporter
5748 ... Another writer again agreed with all my generalities, but said that as an
5749 inveterate skeptic I have closed my mind to the truth. Most notably I have
5750 ignored the evidence for an Earth that is six thousand years old. Well, I
5751 haven't ignored it; I considered the purported evidence and *then* rejected
5752 it. There is a difference, and this is a difference, we might say, between
5753 prejudice and postjudice. Prejudice is making a judgment before you have
5754 looked at the facts. Postjudice is making a judgment afterwards. Prejudice
5755 is terrible, in the sense that you commit injustices and you make serious
5756 mistakes. Postjudice is not terrible. You can't be perfect of course; you
5757 may make mistakes also. But it is permissible to make a judgment after you
5758 have examined the evidence. In some circles it is even encouraged.
5759 -- Carl Sagan, "The Burden of Skepticism"
5761 ... Any resemblance between the above views and those of my employer,
5762 my terminal, or the view out my window are purely coincidental. Any
5763 resemblance between the above and my own views is non-deterministic. The
5764 question of the existence of views in the absence of anyone to hold them
5765 is left as an exercise for the reader. The question of the existence of
5766 the reader is left as an exercise for the second god coefficient. (A
5767 discussion of non-orthogonal, non-integral polytheism is beyond the scope
5770 ... at least I thought I was dancing, 'til somebody stepped on my hand.
5773 ... bleakness... desolation... plastic forks...
5774 -- Zippy the Pinhead
5776 ... But as records of courts and justice are admissible, it can
5777 easily be proved that powerful and malevolent magicians once existed
5778 and were a scourge to mankind. The evidence (including confession)
5779 upon which certain women were convicted of witchcraft and executed was
5780 without a flaw; it is still unimpeachable. The judges' decisions based
5781 on it were sound in logic and in law. Nothing in any existing court
5782 was ever more thoroughly proved than the charges of witchcraft and
5783 sorcery for which so many suffered death. If there were no witches,
5784 human testimony and human reason are alike destitute of value.
5785 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
5787 ... But if we laugh with derision, we will never understand. Human
5788 intellectual capacity has not altered for thousands of years so far as
5789 we can tell. If intelligent people invested intense energy in issues
5790 that now seem foolish to us, then the failure lies in our understanding
5791 of their world, not in their distorted perceptions. Even the standard
5792 example of ancient nonsense -- the debate about angels on pinheads --
5793 makes sense once you realize that theologians were not discussing
5794 whether five or eighteen would fit, but whether a pin could house a
5795 finite or an infinite number.
5796 -- S. J. Gould, "Wide Hats and Narrow Minds"
5798 ... But we've only fondled the surface of that subject.
5801 ... C++ offers even more flexible control over the visibility of member
5802 objects and member functions. Specifically, members may be placed in the
5803 public, private, or protected parts of a class. Members declared in the
5804 public parts are visible to all clients; members declared in the private
5805 parts are fully encapsulated; and members declared in the protected parts
5806 are visible only to the class itself and its subclasses. C++ also supports
5807 the notion of *friends*: cooperative classes that are permitted to see each
5808 other's private parts.
5809 -- Grady Booch, "Object Oriented Design with Applications"
5811 ... computer hardware progress is so fast. No other technology since
5812 civilization began has seen six orders of magnitude in performance-price
5816 ... [concerning quotation marks] even if we *___
\b\b\bdid* quote anybody in this
5817 business, it probably would be gibberish.
5820 ... difference of opinion is advantageous in religion. The several sects
5821 perform the office of a common censor morum over each other. Is uniformity
5822 attainable? Millions of innocent men, women, and children, since the
5823 introduction of Christianity, have been burnt, tortured, fined, imprisoned;
5824 yet we have not advanced one inch towards uniformity.
5825 -- Thomas Jefferson, "Notes on Virginia"
5827 Eat drink and be merry, for tomorrow they may make it illegal.
5829 <<<<< EVACUATION ROUTE <<<<<
5831 ... "fire" does not matter, "earth" and "air" and "water" do not matter.
5832 "I" do not matter. No word matters. But man forgets reality and remembers
5833 words. The more words he remembers, the cleverer do his fellows esteem him.
5834 He looks upon the great transformations of the world, but he does not see
5835 them as they were seen when man looked upon reality for the first time.
5836 Their names come to his lips and he smiles as he tastes them, thinking he
5837 knows them in the naming.
5838 -- Roger Zelazny, "Lord of Light"
5840 "... gentlemen do not read each other's mail."
5841 -- Secretary of State Henry Stimson, on closing down
5842 the Black Chamber, the precursor to the National
5845 ... Had this been an actual emergency, we would have fled in terror,
5846 and you would not have been informed.
5852 " I changed my headlights the other day. I put in strobe lights
5853 instead! Now when I drive at night, it looks like everyone else is
5857 "... I should explain that I was wearing a black velvet cape that was
5858 supposed to make me look like the dashing, romantic Zorro but which
5859 actually made me look like a gigantic bat wearing glasses ..."
5860 -- Dave Barry, "The Wet Zorro Suit and Other Turning
5863 ... If forced to travel on an airplane, try and get in the cabin with
5864 the Captain, so you can keep an eye on him and nudge him if he falls
5865 asleep or point out any mountains looming up ahead ...
5866 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
5868 ... if the church put in half the time on covetousness that it does
5869 on lust, this would be a better world.
5870 -- Garrison Keillor, "Lake Wobegon Days"
5872 ... I'm IMAGINING a sensuous GIRAFFE, CAVORTING in the BACK ROOM of a
5875 **** IMPORTANT **** ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ****
5877 Due to a recent systems overload error your recent disk files have been
5878 erased. Therefore, in accordance with the UNIX Basic Manual, University of
5879 Washington Geophysics Manual, and Bylaw 9(c), Section XII of the Revised
5880 Federal Communications Act, you are being granted Temporary Disk Space,
5881 valid for three months from this date, subject to the restrictions set forth
5882 in Appendix II of the Federal Communications Handbook (18th edition) as well
5883 as the references mentioned herein. You may apply for more disk space at any
5884 time. Disk usage in or above the eighth percentile will secure the removal
5885 of all restrictions and you will immediately receive your permanent disk
5886 space. Disk usage in the sixth or seventh percentile will not effect the
5887 validity of your temporary disk space, though its expiration date may be
5888 extended for a period of up to three months. A score in the fifth percentile
5889 or below will result in the withdrawal of your Temporary Disk space.
5891 ... in three to eight years we will have a machine with the general
5892 intelligence of an average human being ... The machine will begin
5893 to educate itself with fantastic speed. In a few months it will be
5894 at genius level and a few months after that its powers will be
5896 -- Marvin Minsky, LIFE Magazine, November 20, 1970
5898 ... indifference is a militant thing ... when it goes away it leaves
5899 smoking ruins, where lie citizens bayonetted through the throat. It is
5900 not a children's pastime like mere highway robbery.
5903 >>> Internal error in fortune program:
5904 >>> fnum=2987 n=45 flag=1 goose_level=-232323
5905 >>> Please write down these values and notify fortune program administrator.
5907 : is not an identifier
5909 ... it is easy to be blinded to the essential uselessness of them by the
5910 sense of achievement you get from getting them to work at all. In other
5911 words... their fundamental design flaws are completely hidden by their
5912 superficial design flaws.
5913 -- "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy", on the products
5914 of the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation.
5916 ... it still remains true that as a set of cognitive beliefs about the
5917 existence of God in any recognizable sense continuous with the great
5918 systems of the past, religious doctrines constitute a speculative
5919 hypothesis of an extremely low order of probability.
5922 ... Jesus cried with a loud voice: Lazarus, come forth; the bug hath been
5923 found and thy program runneth. And he that was dead came forth...
5926 "... like, what do they mean when they say 'feminine protection'?
5927 What's that? A chartreuse flamethrower?"
5930 ... Logically incoherent, semantically incomprehensible, and
5931 legally ... impeccable!
5933 -- Male cadavers are incapable of yielding testimony.
5934 -- Individuals who make their abode in vitreous edifices would be well advised
5935 to refrain from catapulting projectiles.
5936 -- Neophyte's serendipity.
5937 -- Exclusive dedication to necessitous chores without interludes of hedonistic
5938 diversion renders John a hebetudinous fellow.
5939 -- A revolving concretion of earthy or mineral matter accumulates no congeries
5940 of small, green bryophytic plant.
5941 -- Abstention from any aleatory undertaking precludes a potential escalation
5942 of a lucrative nature.
5943 -- Missiles of ligneous or osteal consistency have the potential of fracturing
5944 osseous structure, but appellations will eternally remain innocuous.
5946 ** MAXIMUM TERMINALS ACTIVE. TRY AGAIN LATER **
5948 ... My pants just went on a wild rampage through a Long Island Bowling
5951 -- Neophyte's serendipity.
5952 -- Exclusive dedication to necessitous chores without interludes of
5953 hedonistic diversion renders John a hebetudinous fellow.
5954 -- A revolving concretion of earthy or mineral matter accumulates no
5955 congeries of small, green bryophytic plant.
5956 -- The person presenting the ultimate cachinnation possesses thereby the
5957 optimal cachinnation.
5958 -- Abstention from any aleatory undertaking precludes a potential
5959 escalation of a lucrative nature.
5960 -- Missiles of ligneous or osteal consistency have the potential of
5961 fracturing osseous structure, but appellations will eternally
5966 Archaeologists find PDP-11/24 inside brain cavity of fossilized dinosaur
5967 skeleton! Many Digital users fear that RSX-11M may be even more primitive
5968 than DEC admits. Price adjustments at 11:00.
5970 ... Now you're ready for the actual shopping. Your goal should be to
5971 get it over with as quickly as possible, because the longer you stay in
5972 the mall, the longer your children will have to listen to holiday songs
5973 on the mall public-address system, and many of these songs can damage
5974 children emotionally. For example: "Frosty the Snowman" is about a
5975 snowman who befriends some children, plays with them until they learn
5976 to love him, then melts. And "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" is about
5977 a young reindeer who, because of a physical deformity, is treated as an
5978 outcast by the other reindeer. Then along comes good, old Santa. Does
5979 he ignore the deformity? Does he look past Rudolph's nose and respect
5980 Rudolph for the sensitive reindeer he is underneath? No. Santa asks
5981 Rudolph to guide his sleigh, as if Rudolph were nothing more than some
5982 kind of headlight with legs and a tail. So unless you want your
5983 children exposed to this kind of insensitivity, you should shop
5985 -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
5987 ... Once you're safely in the mall, you should tie your children to you
5988 with ropes so the other shoppers won't try to buy them. Holiday
5989 shoppers have been whipped into a frenzy by months of holiday
5990 advertisements, and they will buy anything small enough to stuff into a
5991 shopping bag. If your children object to being tied, threaten to take
5992 them to see Santa Claus; that ought to shut them up.
5993 -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
5995 "... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that,
5996 lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of
6000 ... Our second completely true news item was sent to me by Mr. H. Boyce
6001 Connell Jr. of Atlanta, Ga., where he is involved in a law firm. One
6002 thing I like about the South is, folks there care about tradition. If
6003 somebody gets handed a name like "H. Boyce," he hangs on to it, puts it
6004 on his legal stationery, even passes it to his son, rather than do what
6005 a lesser person would do, such as get it changed or kill himself.
6006 -- Dave Barry, "This Column is Nothing but the Truth!"
6008 ... proper attention to Earthly needs of the poor, the depressed and the
6009 downtrodden, would naturally evolve from dynamic, articulate, spirited
6010 awareness of the great goals for Man and the society he conspired to erect.
6011 -- David Baker, paraphrasing Harold Urey, in
6012 "The History of Manned Space Flight"
6014 -- Scintillate, scintillate, asteroid minikin.
6015 -- Members of an avian species of identical plumage congregate.
6016 -- Surveillance should precede saltation.
6017 -- Pulchritude possesses solely cutaneous profundity.
6018 -- It is fruitless to become lachrymose over precipitately departed
6020 -- Freedom from incrustations of grime is contiguous to rectitude.
6021 -- It is fruitless to attempt to indoctrinate a superannuated
6022 canine with innovative maneuvers.
6023 -- Eschew the implement of correction and vitiate the scion.
6024 -- The temperature of the aqueous content of an unremittingly
6025 galled saucepan does not reach 212 degrees Fahrenheit.
6027 ... so long as the people do not care to exercise their freedom, those
6028 who wish to tyrannize will do so; for tyrants are active and ardent,
6029 and will devote themselves in the name of any number of gods, religious
6030 and otherwise, to put shackles upon sleeping men.
6031 -- Voltarine de Cleyre
6033 ... So the documentary-makers stick with sharks. Generally, their
6034 procedure is to scatter bleeding fish pieces around their boat, so as
6035 to infest the waters. I would estimate that the primary food source of
6036 sharks today is bleeding fish pieces scattered by people making
6037 documentaries. Once the sharks arrive, they are generally fairly
6038 listless. The general shark attitude seems to be: "Oh God, another
6039 documentary." So the divers have to somehow goad them into attacking,
6040 under the guise of Scientific Research. "We know very little about the
6041 effect of electricity on sharks," the narrator will say, in a deeply
6042 scientific voice. "That is why Todd is going to jab this Great White
6043 in the testicles with a cattle prod." The divers keep this kind of
6044 thing up until the shark finally gets irritated and snaps at them, and
6045 then they act as though this was a totally unexpected and very
6046 dangerous development, although clearly it is what they wanted all
6048 -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV"
6050 ***** Special AI Seminar (abstract)
6052 It has been widely recognized that AI programs require expert knowledge
6053 in order to perform well in complex domains. But knowledge alone is not
6054 sufficient for some applications; wisdom is needed as well. Accordingly,
6055 we have developed a new approach to artificial intelligence which we call
6056 "wisdom engineering". As a test of our ideas, we have written IMMANUEL, a
6057 wisdom based system for the task domain of western philosophical thought.
6058 IMMANUEL was supplied initially with 200 wisdom units which contained wisdom
6059 about such elementary concepts as mind, matter, being, nothingness, and so
6060 forth. IMMANUEL was then allowed to run freely, guided by the heuristic
6061 rules contained in its heterarchically organized meta wisdom base. IMMANUEL
6062 succeeded in rediscovering most of the important philosophical ideas developed
6063 in western culture over the course of the last 25 centuries, including those
6064 underlying Plato's theory of government, Kant's metaphysics, Nietzsche's theory
6065 of value, and Husserl's phenomenology. In this seminar, we will describe
6066 IMMANUEL's achievements and internal architecture. We will also briefly
6067 discuss our recent efforts to apply wisdom engineering to oil exploration.
6069 ... The Anarchists' [national] anthem is an international anthem that
6070 consists of 365 raspberries blown in very quick succession to the tune
6071 of "Camptown Races". Nobody has to stand up for it, nobody has to
6072 listen to it, and, even better, nobody has to play it.
6073 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
6075 -- THE BATES MOTEL --
6080 Norman, knock loudly,
6085 "... the Mayo Clinic, named after its founder, Dr. Ted Clinic ..."
6088 ... the MYSTERIANS are in here with my CORDUROY SOAP DISH!!
6090 ... the privileged being which we call human is distinguished from
6091 other animals only by certain double-edged manifestations which in
6092 charity we can only call "inhuman."
6095 -- The writing implement is more potent than the claymore.
6096 -- All articles that coruscate with resplendence are not truly auriferous.
6097 -- When there are visible vapors having the prevenience in ignited carbonaceous
6098 materials, there is conflagration.
6099 -- Sorting on the part of mendicants must be interdicted.
6100 -- A plethora of individuals wither expertise in culinary techniques vitiated
6101 the potable concoction produced by steeping certain coupestibles.
6102 -- The person presenting the ultimate cachinnation possesses thereby the
6103 optimal cachinnation.
6104 -- Eleemosynary deeds have their initial incidence intramurally.
6106 ... there are about 5,000 people who are part of that committee. These guys
6107 have a hard time sorting out what day to meet, and whether to eat croissants
6108 or doughnuts for breakfast -- let alone how to define how all these complex
6109 layers that are going to be agreed upon.
6110 -- Craig Burton of Novell, Network World
6112 ... TheysaidDoyouseethebiggreenglowinthedarkhouseuponthehill?andIsaidYesIsee
6113 thebiggreenglowinthedarkhouseuponthehillTheresabigdarkforestbetweenmeandthe
6114 biggreenglowinthedarkhouseuponthehillandalittleoldladyridingonaHoovervacuum
6115 cleanersayingIllgetyoumyprettyandyourlittledogTototoo ...
6117 I don't even *HAVE* a dog Toto...
6119 ... this is an awesome sight. The entire rebel resistance buried under six
6120 million hardbound copies of "The Naked Lunch."
6121 -- The Firesign Theater
6123 ... This striving for excellence extends into people's personal lives
6124 as well. When '80s people buy something, they buy the best one, as
6125 determined by (1) price and (2) lack of availability. Eighties people
6126 buy imported dental floss. They buy gourmet baking soda. If an '80s
6127 couple goes to a restaurant where they have made a reservation three
6128 weeks in advance, and they are informed that their table is available,
6129 they stalk out immediately, because they know it is not an excellent
6130 restaurant. If it were, it would have an enormous crowd of
6131 excellence-oriented people like themselves waiting, their beepers going
6132 off like crickets in the night. An excellent restaurant wouldn't have
6133 a table ready immediately for anybody below the rank of Liza Minnelli.
6134 -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence"
6136 ... though his invention worked superbly -- his theory was a crock of sewage
6137 from beginning to end.
6138 -- Vernor Vinge, "The Peace War"
6141 e dUdX, e dX, cosine, secant, tangent, sine, 3.14159...
6143 * UNIX is a Trademark of Bell Laboratories.
6145 VII. Certain bodies can pass through solid walls painted to resemble tunnel
6146 entrances; others cannot.
6147 This trompe l'oeil inconsistency has baffled generations, but at least
6148 it is known that whoever paints an entrance on a wall's surface to
6149 trick an opponent will be unable to pursue him into this theoretical
6150 space. The painter is flattened against the wall when he attempts to
6151 follow into the painting. This is ultimately a problem of art, not
6153 VIII. Any violent rearrangement of feline matter is impermanent.
6154 Cartoon cats possess even more deaths than the traditional nine lives
6155 might comfortably afford. They can be decimated, spliced, splayed,
6156 accordion-pleated, spindled, or disassembled, but they cannot be
6157 destroyed. After a few moments of blinking self pity, they reinflate,
6158 elongate, snap back, or solidify.
6159 IX. For every vengeance there is an equal and opposite revengeance.
6160 This is the one law of animated cartoon motion that also applies to
6161 the physical world at large. For that reason, we need the relief of
6162 watching it happen to a duck instead.
6163 X. Everything falls faster than an anvil.
6164 Examples too numerous to mention from the Roadrunner cartoons.
6165 -- Esquire, "O'Donnell's Laws of Cartoon Motion", June 1980
6169 ... we must counterpose the overwhelming judgment provided by consistent
6170 observations and inferences by the thousands. The earth is billions of
6171 years old and its living creatures are linked by ties of evolutionary
6172 descent. Scientists stand accused of promoting dogma by so stating, but
6173 do we brand people illiberal when they proclaim that the earth is neither
6174 flat nor at the center of the universe? Science *has* taught us some
6175 things with confidence! Evolution on an ancient earth is as well
6176 established as our planet's shape and position. Our continuing struggle
6177 to understand how evolution happens (the "theory of evolution") does not
6178 cast our documentation of its occurrence -- the "fact of evolution" --
6180 -- Stephen Jay Gould, "The Verdict on Creationism",
6181 The Skeptical Inquirer, Vol. XII No. 2.
6183 ... when fits of creativity run strong, more than one programmer or writer
6184 has been known to abandon the desktop for the more spacious floor.
6187 ... which reminds me of the Carrot family: Ma Carrot, Pa Carrot, and Baby
6188 Carrot. One fine spring day they decided to go out for a picnic. They all
6189 piled into their carrot-mobile and drive out to the country. But Pa Carrot
6190 wasn't watching where he was going and alas, he hit an oil slick and skidded
6191 right into a tree. Ma and Pa Carrot escaped with a few cuts and bruises, but
6192 poor Baby Carrot got broken in two. They frantically rushed him to the
6193 hospital and immediately the doctors started operating in a desperate attempt
6194 to save Baby Carrot's life. Ma and Pa Carrot were beside themselves with
6195 anxiety ... would poor little Baby Carrot make it?
6196 After hours of waiting the doctor finally emerges, bleary-eyed and
6197 barely able to walk.
6198 "Is he all right, is he all right?" Pa Carrot frantically stammers.
6199 "Well, I have some good news and some bad news," replies the doctor.
6200 Ma and Pa Carrot look at each other and blurt out, nearly in unison,
6201 "The good news first!"
6202 "All right, the good news is that Baby Carrot will live."
6203 "And the bad news? What's the bad news about our Baby Carrot?"
6204 The doctor puts his hand on Pa Carrot's shoulder and solemnly looks him in
6205 the eye. "Your son will live... but... he'll be a vegetable for the rest of
6208 !07/11 PDP a ni deppart m'I !pleH
6210 1: A sheet of paper is an ink-lined plane.
6211 2: An inclined plane is a slope up.
6212 3: A slow pup is a lazy dog.
6214 QED: A sheet of paper is a lazy dog.
6215 -- Willard Espy, "An Almanac of Words at Play"
6217 (1) Office employees will daily sweep the floors, dust the
6218 furniture, shelves, and showcases.
6219 (2) Each day fill lamps, clean chimneys, and trim wicks.
6220 Wash the windows once a week.
6221 (3) Each clerk will bring a bucket of water and a scuttle of
6222 coal for the day's business.
6223 (4) Make your pens carefully. You may whittle nibs to your
6225 (5) This office will open at 7 a.m. and close at 8 p.m. except
6226 on the Sabbath, on which day we will remain closed. Each
6227 employee is expected to spend the Sabbath by attending
6228 church and contributing liberally to the cause of the Lord.
6229 -- "Office Worker's Guide", New England Carriage
6232 1 + 1 = 3, for large values of 1.
6234 1. If it doesn't smell like chili, it probably isn't.
6235 2. If you catch an exploding manhole cover, you can keep it.
6236 3. Cabs driving on the sidewalk are not permitted to pick up passengers.
6237 4. It's bad manners to lie down inside someone else's chalk body outline.
6238 5. Don't lick food from a stranger's beard.
6239 6. Avoid paperwork for your next of kin by keeping dental records on you.
6240 7. Jon Gotti Always has the right of way.
6241 8. Yelling at cab drivers in English wastes your time and theirs.
6242 9. Remember: Regular hot dogs do not have fingernails.
6243 10. The city does not employ so called "Wallet Inspectors".
6244 -- David Letterman, "Top Ten New York City Pedestrian Tips"
6246 (1) Alexander the Great was a great general.
6247 (2) Great generals are forewarned.
6248 (3) Forewarned is forearmed.
6249 (4) Four is an even number.
6250 (5) Four is certainly an odd number of arms for a man to have.
6251 (6) The only number that is both even and odd is infinity.
6252 Therefore, all horses are black.
6254 (1) Alexander the Great was a great general.
6255 (2) Great generals are forewarned.
6256 (3) Forewarned is forearmed.
6257 (4) Four is an even number.
6258 (5) Four is certainly an odd number of arms for a man to have.
6259 (6) The only number that is both even and odd is infinity.
6261 Therefore, Alexander the Great had an infinite number of arms.
6263 1. Avoid fried meats which angry up the blood.
6264 2. If your stomach antagonizes you, pacify it with cool thoughts.
6265 3. Keep the juices flowing by jangling around gently as you move.
6266 4. Go very lightly on the vices, such as carrying on in society, as
6267 the social ramble ain't restful.
6268 5. Avoid running at all times.
6269 6. Don't look back, something might be gaining on you.
6270 -- S. Paige, c. 1951
6272 1 Billion dollars of budget deficit = 1 Gramm-Rudman
6273 6.023 x 10 to the 23rd power alligator pears = Avocado's number
6275 Basic unit of Laryngitis = The Hoarsepower
6276 Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line
6277 6 Curses = 1 Hexahex
6278 3500 Calories = 1 Food Pound
6279 1 Mole = 007 Secret Agents
6280 1 Mole = 25 Cagey Bees
6281 1 Dog Pound = 16 oz. of Alpo
6282 1000 beers served at a Twins game = 1 Killibrew
6283 2.4 statute miles of surgical tubing at Yale U. = 1 I.V.League
6284 2000 pounds of chinese soup = 1 Won Ton
6285 10 to the minus 6th power mouthwashes = 1 Microscope
6286 Speed of a tortoise breaking the sound barrier = 1 Machturtle
6287 8 Catfish = 1 Octo-puss
6288 365 Days of drinking Lo-Cal beer. = 1 Lite-year
6289 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling
6290 Force needed to accelerate 2.2lbs of cookies = 1 Fig-newton
6291 to 1 meter per second
6292 One half large intestine = 1 Semicolon
6293 10 to the minus 6th power Movie = 1 Microfilm
6294 1000 pains = 1 Megahertz
6295 1 Word = 1 Millipicture
6296 1 Sagan = Billions & Billions
6297 1 Angstrom: measure of computer anxiety = 1000 nail-bytes
6298 10 to the 12th power microphones = 1 Megaphone
6299 10 to the 6th power Bicycles = 2 megacycles
6300 The amount of beauty required launch 1 ship = 1 Millihelen
6304 (1) Everything depends.
6305 (2) Nothing is always.
6306 (3) Everything is sometimes.
6308 1) Never draw what you can copy.
6309 2) Never copy what you can trace.
6310 3) Never trace what you can cut out and paste down.
6312 1. Never give anything away for nothing. 2. Never give more than
6313 you have to (always catch the buyer hungry and always make him wait).
6314 3. Always take back everything if you possibly can.
6315 -- William S. Burroughs, on drug pushing
6317 1: No code table for op: ++post
6320 2) X^2=XY ; Multiply both sides by X
6321 3) X^2-Y^2=XY-Y^2 ; Subtract Y^2 from both sides
6322 4) (X+Y)(X-Y)=Y(X-Y) ; Factor
6323 5) X+Y=Y ; Cancel out (X-Y) term
6324 6) 2Y=Y ; Substitute X for Y, by equation 1
6325 7) 2=1 ; Divide both sides by Y
6326 -- "Omni", proof that 2 equals 1
6328 10. Not everybody looks good naked.
6329 9. Joe Garagiola was a hell of an emcee.
6330 8. Joe Cocker really should stick with decaffeinated coffee.
6331 7. Fringe! Fringe! Fringe!
6332 6. If you've got 72 hours to kill, you can probably find room for Sha Na Na.
6333 5. Never attend an event with a 50,000 to 1 person to Port-A-San ratio.
6334 4. Bellbottoms will never go out of style.
6335 3. A drum solo cannot be too long.
6336 2. I, David Letterman, will never rent out my farm again.
6337 1. We are stardust. We are golden. We are going to look really stupid to
6339 -- David Letterman, "Top Ten Lessons of Woodstock"
6341 10 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Woman:
6343 1. A beer won't make you go to church.
6344 2. A beer is more likely to know how to spell "carburetor" than a woman.
6345 3. A beer doesn't think baseball is stupid simply because the guys spit.
6346 4. A beer doesn't give a [expletive deleted] if you keep a bunch of
6347 other beers on the side.
6348 5. A beer will not call you a sexist pig if you say "Doberman" instead of
6350 6. A beer won't get a job as a DJ and play 5 straight hours of lesbian
6351 folk music on yer fave radio station.
6352 7. A beer understands why The Three Stooges are funny.
6353 8. A beer won't raise a fuss about a little thing like leaving the
6355 9. A beer doesn't think that a "three-hundred-fifty cubic-inch V8" is an
6356 enormous can of vegetable juice.
6357 10. A beer won't smoke in your car.
6359 100 buckets of bits on the bus
6361 Take one down, short it to ground
6362 FF buckets of bits on the bus
6364 FF buckets of bits on the bus
6366 Take one down, short it to ground
6367 FE buckets of bits on the bus
6371 $100 invested at 7% interest for 100 years will become $100,000, at
6372 which time it will be worth absolutely nothing.
6373 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
6375 $100 placed at 7 percent interest compounded quarterly for 200 years will
6376 increase to more than $100,000,000 -- by which time it will be worth nothing.
6377 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough For Love"
6379 10.0 times 0.1 is hardly ever 1.0.
6381 101 USES FOR A DEAD MICROPROCESSOR
6382 (1) Scarecrow for centipedes
6386 (5) Self-piercing earrings
6389 (8) Prosthetic dog claws
6393 (99) Window garden harrow (pulled behind Tonka tractors)
6399 1/2 oz. rum (preferably dark)
6402 1/2 oz. orange juice
6405 shake with ice and strain into frosted glass.
6406 Long Island Iced Tea
6410 1.79 x 10^12 furlongs per fortnight -- it's not just a good idea, it's
6413 17th Rule of Friendship:
6415 A friend will refrain from telling you he picked up the same amount
6416 of life insurance coverage you did for half the price when yours is
6418 -- Esquire, May 1977
6420 186,282 miles per second:
6422 It isn't just a good idea, it's the law!
6424 1893 The ideal brain tonic
6425 1900 Drink Coca-Cola -- delicious and refreshing -- 5 cents at all
6427 1905 Is the favorite drink for LADIES when thirsty -- weary -- despondent
6428 1905 Refreshes the weary, brightens the intellect and clears the brain
6429 1906 The drink of QUALITY
6430 1907 Good to the last drop
6431 1907 It satisfies the thirst and pleases the palate
6432 1907 Refreshing as a summer breeze. Delightful as a Dip in the Sea
6433 1908 The Drink that Cheers but does not inebriate
6434 1917 There's a delicious freshness to the taste of Coca-Cola
6435 1919 It satisfies thirst
6436 1919 The taste is the test
6437 1922 Every glass holds the answer to thirst
6438 1922 Thirst knows no season
6439 1925 Enjoy the sociable drink
6440 -- Coca-Cola slogans
6442 1925 With a drink so good, 'tis folly to be thirsty
6443 1929 The high sign of refreshment
6444 1929 The pause that refreshes
6445 1930 It had to be good to get where it is
6446 1932 The drink that makes a pause refreshing
6447 1935 The pause that brings friends together
6448 1937 STOP for a pause... GO refreshed
6449 1938 The best friend thirst ever had
6450 1939 Thirst stops here
6451 1942 It's the real thing
6453 1961 Zing! what a REFRESHING NEW FEELING
6454 1963 Things go better with Coke
6455 1969 Face Uncle Sam with a Coke in your hand
6456 1979 Have a Coke and a smile
6458 -- Coca-Cola slogans
6460 1st graffitiest: QUESTION AUTHORITY!
6462 2nd graffitiest: Why?
6464 2180, U.S. History question:
6465 What 20th Century U.S. President was almost impeached and what
6466 office did he later hold?
6468 3 syncs represent the trinity -- init, the child and the eternal zombie
6469 process. In doing 3, you're paying homage to each and I think such
6470 traditions are important in this shallow, mercurial business we find
6472 -- Jordan K. Hubbard
6476 355/113 -- Not the famous irrational number PI, but an incredible
6479 3M, under the Scotch brand name, manufactures a fine adhesive for art
6480 and display work. This product is called "Craft Mount". 3M suggests
6481 that to obtain the best results, one should make the bond "while the
6482 adhesive is wet, aggressively tacky." I did not know what "aggressively
6483 tacky" meant until I read today's fortune.
6485 [And who said we didn't offer equal time, huh? Ed.]
6487 40 isn't old. If you're a tree.
6489 4.2 BSD UNIX #57: Sun Jun 1 23:02:07 EDT 1986
6491 You swing at the Sun. You miss. The Sun swings. He hits you with a
6492 575MB disk! You read the 575MB disk. It is written in an alien
6493 tongue and cannot be read by your tired Sun-2 eyes. You throw the
6494 575MB disk at the Sun. You hit! The Sun must repair your eyes. The
6495 Sun reads a scroll. He hits your 130MB disk! He has defeated the
6496 130MB disk! The Sun reads a scroll. He hits your Ethernet board! He
6497 has defeated your Ethernet board! You read a scroll of "postpone until
6498 Monday at 9 AM". Everything goes dark...
6499 -- /etc/motd, cbosgd
6501 43rd Law of Computing:
6502 Anything that can go wr
6503 fortune: Segmentation violation -- Core dumped
6505 (6) Men employees will be given time off each week for courting
6506 purposes, or two evenings a week if they go regularly to church.
6507 (7) After an employee has spent his thirteen hours of labor in the
6508 office, he should spend the remaining time reading the Bible
6509 and other good books.
6510 (8) Every employee should lay aside from each pay packet a goodly
6511 sum of his earnings for his benefit during his declining years,
6512 so that he will not become a burden on society or his betters.
6513 (9) Any employee who smokes Spanish cigars, uses alcoholic drink
6514 in any form, frequents pool tables and public halls, or gets
6515 shaved in a barber's shop, will give me good reason to suspect
6516 his worth, intentions, integrity and honesty.
6517 (10) The employee who has performed his labours faithfully and
6518 without a fault for five years, will be given an increase of
6519 five cents per day in his pay, providing profits from the
6521 -- "Office Worker's Guide", New England Carriage
6529 7:30, Channel 5: The Bionic Dog (Action/Adventure)
6530 The Bionic Dog drinks too much and kicks over the National
6533 7:30, Channel 5: The Bionic Dog (Action/Adventure)
6534 The Bionic Dog gets a hormonal short-circuit and violates the
6535 Mann Act with an interstate Greyhound bus.
6537 77. HO HUM -- The Redundant
6539 ------- (7) This hexagram refers to a situation of extreme
6540 --- --- (8) boredom. Your programs always bomb off. Your wife
6541 ------- (7) smells bad. Your children have hives. You are working
6542 ---O--- (6) on an accounting system, when you want to develop the
6543 ---X--- (9) GREAT AMERICAN COMPILER. You give up hot dates to
6544 --- --- (8) nurse sick computers. What you need now is sex.
6546 Nine in the second place means:
6547 The yellow bird approaches the malt shop. Misfortune.
6549 Six in the third place means:
6550 In former times men built altars to honor the Internal Revenue
6551 Service. Great Dragons! Are you in trouble!
6553 90% of the work takes 90% of the time.
6554 The remaining 10% takes the other 90% of the time.
6556 94% of the women in America are beautiful
6557 and the rest hang out around here.
6559 99 blocks of crud on the disk,
6561 You patch a bug, and dump it again:
6562 100 blocks of crud on the disk!
6564 100 blocks of crud on the disk,
6566 You patch a bug, and dump it again:
6567 101 blocks of crud on the disk! ...
6569 A baby is an alimentary canal with a loud voice at one end and no
6570 responsibility at the other.
6572 A baby is God's opinion that the world should go on.
6575 A bachelor is a man who never made the same mistake once.
6577 A bachelor is a selfish, undeserving guy who has cheated some woman out
6581 A bachelor is an unaltared male.
6583 A bachelor never quite gets over the idea that he is a thing of beauty
6587 A bad marriage is like a horse with a broken leg, you can shoot
6588 the horse, but it don't fix the leg.
6590 A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and
6591 ask for it back the when it begins to rain.
6594 A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining
6595 and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
6598 A beautiful woman is a blessing from Heaven, but a good cigar is a smoke.
6601 A beautiful woman is a picture which drives all beholders nobly mad.
6604 A beer delayed is a beer denied.
6606 A beginning is the time for taking the
6607 most delicate care that balances are correct.
6608 -- Princess Irulan, "Manual of Maud'Dib"
6610 A billion here, a billion there -- pretty soon it adds up to real money.
6611 -- Sen. Everett Dirksen, on the U.S. defense budget
6613 A billion here, a couple of billion there -- first thing you know it
6614 adds up to be real money.
6615 -- Senator Everett McKinley Dirksen
6617 A billion seconds ago Harry Truman was president.
6618 A billion minutes ago was just after the time of Christ.
6619 A billion hours ago man had not yet walked on earth.
6620 A billion dollars ago was late yesterday afternoon at the U.S. Treasury.
6622 A biologist, a statistician, a mathematician and a computer scientist are on
6623 a photo-safari in Africa. As they're driving along the savannah in their
6624 jeep, they stop and scout the horizon with their binoculars.
6626 The biologist: "Look! A herd of zebras! And there's a white zebra!
6627 Fantastic! We'll be famous!"
6628 The statistician: "Hey, calm down, it's not significant. We only know
6629 there's one white zebra."
6630 The mathematician: "Actually, we only know there exists a zebra, which is
6632 The computer scientist : "Oh, no! A special case!"
6634 A bird in the bush usually has a friend in there with him.
6636 A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.
6639 A bird in the hand is worth what it will bring.
6641 A bird in the hand makes it awfully hard to blow your nose.
6647 A black cat crossing your path signifies
6648 that the animal is going somewhere.
6651 A book is the work of a mind, doing its work in the way that a mind deems
6652 best. That's dangerous. Is the work of some mere individual mind likely to
6653 serve the aims of collectively accepted compromises, which are known in the
6654 schools as 'standards'? Any mind that would audaciously put itself forth to
6655 work all alone is surely a bad example for the students, and probably, if
6656 not downright antisocial, at least a little off-center, self-indulgent,
6657 elitist. ... It's just good pedagogy, therefore, to stay away from such
6658 stuff, and use instead, if film-strips and rap-sessions must be
6659 supplemented, 'texts,' selected, or prepared, or adapted, by real
6660 professionals. Those texts are called 'reading material.' They are the
6661 academic equivalent of the 'listening material' that fills waiting-rooms,
6662 and the 'eating material' that you can buy in thousands of convenient eating
6663 resource centers along the roads.
6664 -- The Underground Grammarian
6666 A bore is a man who talks so much about
6667 himself that you can't talk about yourself.
6669 A bore is someone who persists in holding his
6670 own views after we have enlightened him with ours.
6672 A boss with no humor is like a job that's no fun.
6674 A box without hinges, key, or lid,
6675 Yet golden treasure inside is hid.
6678 A boy can learn a lot from a dog: obedience, loyalty, and the importance
6679 of turning around three times before lying down.
6682 A boy gets to be a man when a man is needed.
6685 A budget is just a method of worrying
6686 before you spend money, as well as afterward.
6688 A bug in the code is worth two in the documentation.
6690 A bug in the hand is better than one as yet undetected.
6692 A bunch of Polish scientists decided to flee their repressive government by
6693 hijacking an airliner and forcing the pilot to fly them to the West. They
6694 drove to the airport, forced their way on board a large passenger jet, and
6695 found there was no pilot on board. Terrified, they listened as the sirens
6696 got louder. Finally, one of the scientists suggested that since he was an
6697 experimentalist, he would try to fly the aircraft.
6698 He sat down at the controls and tried to figure them out. The sirens
6699 got louder and louder. Armed men surrounded the jet. The would be pilot's
6700 friends cried out, "Please, please take off now!!! Hurry!!!"
6701 The experimentalist calmly replied, "Have patience. I'm just a simple
6702 pole in a complex plane."
6704 A bunch of the boys were whooping it in the Malemute saloon;
6705 The kid that handles the music box was hitting a jag-time tune;
6706 Back of the bar, in a solo game, sat Dangerous Dan McGrew,
6707 And watching his luck was his light-o'-love, the lady that's known as Lou.
6708 -- Robert W. Service
6710 A bureaucrat's idea of cleaning up his files
6711 is to make a copy of everything before he destroys it.
6713 A businessman is a hybrid of a dancer and a calculator.
6716 "A can of ASPARAGUS, 73 pigeons, some LIVE ammo, and a FROZEN DAIQUIRI!!"
6717 -- Zippy the Pinhead
6719 A candidate is a person who gets money from the rich
6720 and votes from the poor to protect them from each other.
6722 A cannibal warrior is experiencing severe gastric distress, so he goes
6723 to his Village Witch Doctor with his complaint. The VWD examines him
6724 and, concluding that something he ate disagreed with him, began to cross
6725 examine him about his recent diet.
6726 "Well, I ate a missionary yesterday. Do you think that could be
6728 The VWD says "Hmmmm." (All doctors say "Hmmmm.") "That could be.
6729 Tell me a bit about this missionary."
6730 "Well, he was tall for a white man, wearing a brown robe. He was
6731 walking down the trail, not watching for danger, so I speared him, dragged
6732 him home, cleaned him, boiled him and ate him."
6733 "Ah-hah!" (All doctors say "Ah-hah!") There's your problem," smiles
6734 the VWD. You boiled him, but he was a friar!"
6736 A career is great, but you can't run your fingers through its hair.
6738 A castaway was washed ashore after many days on the open sea. The island
6739 on which he landed was populated by savage cannibals who tied him, dazed
6740 and exhausted, to a thick stake. They then proceeded to cut his arms
6741 with their spears and drink his blood. This continued for several days
6742 until the castaway could stand no more. He yelled for the cannibal chief
6743 and declared, "You can kill me if you want to, but this torture with the
6744 spears has got to stop. Dammit, I'm tired of getting stuck for the drinks."
6746 A casual stroll through a lunatic asylum shows that faith
6747 does not prove anything.
6748 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
6750 A celebrity is a person who is known for his well-knownness.
6752 A certain amount of opposition is a help, not a hindrance.
6753 Kites rise against the wind, not with it.
6755 A certain monk had a habit of pestering the Grand Tortue (the only one who
6756 had ever reached the Enlightenment 'Yond Enlightenment), by asking whether
6757 various objects had Buddha-nature or not. To such a question Tortue
6758 invariably sat silent. The monk had already asked about a bean, a lake,
6759 and a moonlit night. One day he brought to Tortue a piece of string, and
6760 asked the same question. In reply, the Grand Tortue grasped the loop
6761 between his feet and, with a few simple manipulations, created a complex
6762 string which he proffered wordlessly to the monk. At that moment, the monk
6765 From then on, the monk did not bother Tortue. Instead, he made string after
6766 string by Tortue's method; and he passed the method on to his own disciples,
6767 who passed it on to theirs.
6769 A certain old cat had made his home in the alley behind Gabe's bar for some
6770 time, subsisting on scraps and occasional handouts from the bartender. One
6771 evening, emboldened by hunger, the feline attempted to follow Gabe through
6772 the back door. Regrettably, only the his body had made it through when
6773 the door slammed shut, severing the cat's tail at its base. This proved too
6774 much for the old creature, who looked sadly at Gabe and expired on the spot.
6775 Gabe put the carcass back out in the alley and went back to business.
6776 The mandatory closing time arrived and Gabe was in the process of locking up
6777 after the last customers had gone. Approaching the back door he was startled
6778 to see an apparition of the old cat mournfully holding its severed tail out,
6779 silently pleading for Gabe to put the tail back on its corpse so that it could
6780 go on to the kitty afterworld complete.
6781 Gabe shook his head sadly and said to the ghost, "I can't. You know
6782 the law -- no retailing spirits after 2:00 AM."
6784 A Chicago salesman was about to check into a St. Louis hotel when he noticed
6785 a very charming woman staring admiringly at him. He walked over and spoke
6786 with her for a few minutes, then returned to the front desk, where they checked
6788 After a very pleasurable three-day stay, the man approached the front
6789 desk and told the clerk he was checking out. In a few minutes, he was handed
6791 "There must be some mistake," the salesman said. "I've been here for
6793 "Yes, sir," the clerk replied. "But your wife has been here a month
6796 A chicken is an egg's way of producing more eggs.
6798 A child can go only so far in life without potty training. It is not
6799 mere coincidence that six of the last seven presidents were potty
6800 trained, not to mention nearly half of the nation's state legislators.
6803 A child of five could understand this! Fetch me a child of five.
6805 A chronic disposition to inquiry
6806 deprives domestic felines of vital qualities.
6808 A chubby man with a white beard and a red suit
6809 will approach you soon. Avoid him. He's a Commie.
6811 A citizen of America will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, but
6812 won't cross the street to vote in a national election.
6815 A city is a large community where people are lonesome together.
6818 A clash of doctrine is not a disaster - it is an opportunity.
6820 A classic is something that everybody wants to have read and nobody
6822 -- Mark Twain quoting Professor Winchester,
6823 "The Disappearance of Literature"
6825 A clever prophet makes sure of the event first.
6827 A closed mouth gathers no foot.
6829 A cloud does not know why it moves in just such a direction and at such
6830 a speed, if feels an impulsion... this is the place to go now. But the
6831 sky knows the reasons and the patterns behind all clouds, and you will
6832 know, too, when you lift yourself high enough to see beyond horizons.
6833 -- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul
6835 A CODE OF ETHICAL BEHAVIOR FOR PATIENTS:
6837 1. DO NOT EXPECT YOUR DOCTOR TO SHARE YOUR DISCOMFORT.
6838 Involvement with the patient's suffering might cause him to lose
6839 valuable scientific objectivity.
6841 2. BE CHEERFUL AT ALL TIMES.
6842 Your doctor leads a busy and trying life and requires all the
6843 gentleness and reassurance he can get.
6845 3. TRY TO SUFFER FROM THE DISEASE FOR WHICH YOU ARE BEING TREATED.
6846 Remember that your doctor has a professional reputation to uphold.
6848 A CODE OF ETHICAL BEHAVIOR FOR PATIENTS:
6850 4. DO NOT COMPLAIN IF THE TREATMENT FAILS TO BRING RELIEF.
6851 You must believe that your doctor has achieved a deep insight into
6852 the true nature of your illness, which transcends any mere permanent
6853 disability you may have experienced.
6855 5. NEVER ASK YOUR DOCTOR TO EXPLAIN WHAT HE IS DOING OR WHY HE IS DOING IT.
6856 It is presumptuous to assume that such profound matters could be
6857 explained in terms that you would understand.
6859 6. SUBMIT TO NOVEL EXPERIMENTAL TREATMENT READILY.
6860 Though the surgery may not benefit you directly, the resulting
6861 research paper will surely be of widespread interest.
6863 A CODE OF ETHICAL BEHAVIOR FOR PATIENTS:
6865 7. PAY YOUR MEDICAL BILLS PROMPTLY AND WILLINGLY.
6866 You should consider it a privilege to contribute, however modestly,
6867 to the well-being of physicians and other humanitarians.
6869 8. DO NOT SUFFER FROM AILMENTS THAT YOU CANNOT AFFORD.
6870 It is sheer arrogance to contract illnesses that are beyond your means.
6872 9. NEVER REVEAL ANY OF THE SHORTCOMINGS THAT HAVE COME TO LIGHT IN THE COURSE
6873 OF TREATMENT BY YOUR DOCTOR.
6874 The patient-doctor relationship is a privileged one, and you have a
6875 sacred duty to protect him from exposure.
6877 10. NEVER DIE WHILE IN YOUR DOCTOR'S PRESENCE OR UNDER HIS DIRECT CARE.
6878 This will only cause him needless inconvenience and embarrassment.
6880 A Code of Honour: never approach a friend's girlfriend or wife with mischief
6881 as your goal. There are too many women in the world to justify that sort of
6882 dishonourable behaviour. Unless she's really attractive.
6883 -- Bruce J. Friedman, "Sex and the Lonely Guy"
6885 A committee is a group that keeps the minutes and loses hours.
6888 A committee is a life form with six or more legs and no brain.
6889 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough For Love"
6891 A committee takes root and grows, it flowers, wilts and dies,
6892 scattering the seed from which other committees will bloom.
6895 A commune is where people join together to share their lack of wealth.
6898 A company is known by the men it keeps.
6900 A complex system that works is invariably
6901 found to have evolved from a simple system that works.
6903 A compliment is something like a kiss through a veil.
6906 [A computer is] like an Old Testament god, with a lot of rules and no mercy.
6909 A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any other invention,
6910 with the possible exceptions of handguns and Tequila.
6913 A computer salesman visits a company president for the purpose of selling
6914 the president one of the latest talking computers.
6915 Salesman: "This machine knows everything. I can ask it any question
6916 and it'll give the correct answer. Computer, what is the
6918 Computer: 186,000 miles per second.
6919 Salesman: "Who was the first president of the United States?"
6920 Computer: George Washington.
6921 President: "I'm still not convinced. Let me ask a question.
6922 Where is my father?"
6923 Computer: Your father is fishing in Georgia.
6924 President: "Hah!! The computer is wrong. My father died over twenty
6926 Computer: Your mother's husband died 22 years ago. Your father just
6927 landed a twelve pound bass.
6929 A computer science student and a practical hacker are discussing problems
6930 the computer science student has run in to.
6932 CS Student: I have this singularly linked tail-queued list and I'm trying
6933 to make it O(1) to go backwards an item, instead of O(n)...
6934 What's the best way to go about that? Should I just use a
6935 cached hash of each item and put it into a sorted lookup
6936 table, and cache the hash of the last item in the current
6937 queue entry and then go to its place in the hash table and
6938 get the pointer value from there?
6939 Hacker: No, you should add an item to the structure named 'prev' and
6940 make it point to the previous item.
6941 CS Student: But we already have a structure element with that identifier
6942 and structure elements must have unique names within that
6944 Hacker: So call it 'previous'.
6946 And then the CS Student was enlightened.
6948 A computer scientist is someone who fixes things that aren't broken.
6950 A computer, to print out a fact,
6951 Will divide, multiply, and subtract.
6952 But this output can be
6953 No more than debris,
6954 If the input was short of exact.
6957 A computer without COBOL and Fortran is like a piece of chocolate
6958 cake without ketchup and mustard.
6960 A conclusion is simply the place where someone got tired of thinking.
6962 A conference is a gathering of important people who singly can
6963 do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.
6966 A CONS is an object which cares.
6969 A conservative is a man who is too cowardly to fight and too fat to run.
6972 A consultant is a person who borrows your watch, tells you what time it
6973 is, pockets the watch, and sends you a bill for it.
6975 A continuing flow of paper is sufficient to continue the flow of paper.
6978 A copy of the universe is not what is required of art; one of the
6979 damned things is ample.
6982 A couch is as good as a chair.
6984 A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats.
6987 A couple of young fellers were fishing at their special pond off the
6988 beaten track when out of the bushes jumped the Game Warden. Immediately,
6989 one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods
6990 like the proverbial bat out of hell, and hot on his heels ran the Game
6991 Warden. After about a half mile the fella stopped and stooped over with
6992 his hands on his thighs, whooping and heaving to catch his breath as the
6993 Game Warden finally caught up to him.
6994 "Let's see yer fishin' license, boy," the Warden gasped. The
6995 man pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a valid fishing
6997 "Well, son", snarled the Game Warden, "You must be about as dumb
6998 as a box of rocks! You didn't have to run if you have a license!"
6999 "Yes, sir," replied his victim, "but, well, see, my friend back
7000 there, he don't have one!"
7002 A cousin of mine once said about money,
7003 money is always there but the pockets change;
7004 it is not in the same pockets after a change,
7005 and that is all there is to say about money.
7008 A cow is a completely automated milk-manufacturing machine. It is encased
7009 in untanned leather and mounted on four vertical, movable supports, one at
7010 each corner. The front end of the machine, or input, contains the cutting
7011 and grinding mechanism, utilizing a unique feedback device. Here also are
7012 the headlights, air inlet and exhaust, a bumper and a foghorn.
7013 At the rear, the machine carries the milk-dispensing equipment as
7014 well as a built-in flyswatter and insect repeller. The central portion
7015 houses a hydro- chemical-conversion unit. Briefly, this consists of four
7016 fermentation and storage tanks connected in series by an intricate network
7017 of flexible plumbing. This assembly also contains the central heating plant
7018 complete with automatic temperature controls, pumping station and main
7019 ventilating system. The waste disposal apparatus is located to the rear of
7020 this central section.
7021 Cows are available fully-assembled in an assortment of sizes and
7022 colors. Production output ranges from 2 to 20 tons of milk per year. In
7023 brief, the main external visible features of the cow are: two lookers, two
7024 hookers, four stander-uppers, four hanger-downers, and a swishy-wishy.
7026 A critic is a bundle of biases held loosely together by a sense of taste.
7029 A "critic" is a man who creates nothing and thereby feels
7030 qualified to judge the work of creative men. There is logic
7031 in this; he is unbiased -- he hates all creative people equally.
7033 A crusader's wife slipped from the garrison
7034 And had an affair with a Saracen.
7035 She was not oversexed,
7036 Or jealous or vexed,
7037 She just wanted to make a comparison.
7039 A cynic is a person searching for an honest man, with a stolen
7043 A day for firm decisions!!!!! Or is it?
7045 A day without orange juice is like a day without orange juice.
7047 A day without sunshine is like a day without Anita Bryant.
7049 A day without sunshine is like a day without orange juice.
7051 A day without sunshine is like night.
7053 A dead man cannot bite.
7054 -- Gnaeus Pompeius (Pompey)
7056 A debugged program is one for which you have
7057 not yet found the conditions that make it fail.
7060 A decade after Vietnam, we still cannot understand why "their"
7061 Salvadorans fight better than "our" Salvadorans. It is not a matter of
7062 their training or their equipment. It has to do with the quality of the
7063 society we are asking them to risk death defending. The metaphor of the
7064 domino obscures this reality, and the cost our self-imposed blindness
7065 is high. San Salvador is closer to Saigon than to Munich.
7066 -- William LeoGrande, "New York Times", 3/9/83
7068 A Difficulty for Every Solution.
7069 -- Motto of the Federal Civil Service
7071 A diplomat is a man who can convince his wife she'd look stout in a fur
7074 A diplomat is a man who can tell you to
7075 go to hell and make the trip sound pleasurable.
7078 A diplomat is a person who can tell you to go to hell
7079 in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.
7080 -- Caskie Stinnett, "Out of the Red"
7082 A diplomat is man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never her age.
7085 A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that
7086 you will look forward to the trip.
7088 A diplomatic husband said to his wife, "How do you expect me to remember
7089 your birthday when you never look any older?"
7091 A diplomat's life consists of three things: protocol, Geritol, and alcohol.
7094 A distraught patient phoned her doctor's office. "Was it true," the woman
7095 inquired, "that the medication the doctor had prescribed was for the rest
7097 She was told that it was. There was just a moment of silence before
7098 the woman proceeded bravely on. "Well, I'm wondering, then, how serious my
7099 condition is. This prescription is marked `NO REFILLS'".
7101 A diva who specializes in risqu'
\be arias is an off-coloratura soprano ...
7103 A doctor calls his patient to give him the results of his tests. "I have
7104 some bad news," says the doctor, "and some worse news." The bad news is
7105 that you only have six weeks to live."
7106 "Oh, no," says the patient. "What could possibly be worse than
7108 "Well," the doctor replies, "I've been trying to reach you since
7111 A doctor was stranded with a lawyer in a leaky life raft in shark-infested
7112 waters. The doctor tried to swim ashore but was eaten by the sharks. The
7113 lawyer, however, swam safely past the bloodthirsty sharks. "Professional
7114 courtesy," he explained.
7116 A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of.
7119 A dozen, a gross, and a score,
7120 Plus three times the square root of four,
7122 Plus five times eleven,
7123 Equals nine squared plus zero, no more.
7125 A drama critic is a person who surprises a playwright by informing him
7129 A dream will always triumph over reality, once it is given the chance.
7132 A Dublin lawyer died in poverty and many barristers of the city subscribed to
7133 a fund for his funeral. The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to donate
7134 a shilling. "Only a shilling?" exclaimed the man. "Only a shilling to bury
7135 an attorney? Here's a guinea; go and bury twenty of them."
7137 A fail-safe circuit will destroy others.
7140 A failure will not appear until a unit has passed final inspection.
7142 A fair exterior is a silent recommendation.
7145 A fake fortuneteller can be tolerated. But an authentic soothsayer
7146 should be shot on sight. Cassandra did not get half the kicking around
7148 -- Robert A. Heinlein
7150 A famous Lisp Hacker noticed an Undergraduate sitting in front of a
7151 Xerox 1108, trying to edit a complex Klone network via a browser.
7152 Wanting to help, the Hacker clicked one of the nodes in the network
7153 with the mouse, and asked "what do you see?" Very earnestly, the
7154 Undergraduate replied "I see a cursor." The Hacker then quickly
7155 pressed the boot toggle at the back of the keyboard, while
7156 simultaneously hitting the Undergraduate over the head with a thick
7157 Interlisp Manual. The Undergraduate was then Enlightened.
7159 A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the
7161 -- Winston Churchill
7163 A farmer is a man outstanding in his field.
7165 A feed salesman is on his way to a farm. As he's driving along at forty
7166 m.p.h., he looks out his car window and sees a three-legged chicken running
7167 alongside him, keeping pace with his car. He is amazed that a chicken is
7168 running at forty m.p.h. So he speeds up to forty-five, fifty, then sixty
7169 m.p.h. The chicken keeps right up with him the whole way, then suddenly
7170 takes off and disappears into the distance.
7171 The man pulls into the farmyard and says to the farmer, "You know,
7172 the strangest thing just happened to me; I was driving along at at least
7173 sixty miles an hour and a chicken passed me like I was standing still!"
7174 "Yeah," the farmer replies, "that chicken was ours. You see, there's
7175 me, and there's Ma, and there's our son Billy. Whenever we had chicken for
7176 dinner, we would all want a drumstick, so we'd have to kill two chickens.
7177 So we decided to try and breed a three-legged chicken so each of us could
7179 "How do they taste?" said the farmer.
7180 "Don't know," replied the farmer. "We haven't been able to catch
7183 A fellow bought a new car, a Nissan, and was quite happy with his purchase.
7184 He was something of an animist, however, and felt that the car really ought
7185 to have a name. This presented a problem, as he was not sure if the name
7186 should be masculine or feminine.
7187 After considerable thought, he settled on an naming the car either
7188 Belchazar or Beaumadine, but remained in a quandary about the final choice.
7189 "Is a Nissan male or female?" he began asking his friends. Most of
7190 them looked at him peculiarly, mumbled things about urgent appointments, and
7191 went on their way rather quickly.
7192 He finally broached the question to a lady he knew who held a black
7193 belt in judo. She thought for a moment and answered "Feminine."
7194 The swiftness of her response puzzled him. "You're sure of that?" he
7196 "Certainly," she replied. "They wouldn't sell very well if they were
7198 "Unhhh... Well, why not?"
7199 "Because people want a car with a reputation for going when you want
7200 it to. And, if Nissan's are female, it's like they say... `Each Nissan, she
7203 [No, we WON'T explain it; go ask someone who practices an oriental
7204 martial art. (Tai Chi Chuan probably doesn't count.) Ed.]
7206 A few hours grace before the madness begins again.
7208 A figure with curves always offers a lot of interesting angles.
7210 A fisherman from Maine went to Alabama on his vacation. He rented a boat,
7211 rowed out to the middle of the lake, and cast his line, but when he looked
7212 down into the water he was horrified to see a man wrapped in chains lying
7213 on the bottom of the lake. He quickly rowed to shore and ran to the police
7214 station. "Sheriff, sheriff," he gasped, there's a guy wrapped in chains,
7215 drowned in the lake!"
7216 "Now ain't that jest like a Yankee," drawled the sheriff, "to steal
7217 more chain than he can swim with?"
7219 A fitter fits; Though sinners sin
7220 A cutter cuts; And thinners thin
7221 And an aircraft spotter spots; And paper-blotters blot
7222 A baby-sitter I've never yet
7223 Baby-sits -- Had letters let
7224 But an otter never ots. Or seen an otter ot.
7227 (Or scatters scats);
7228 A potting shed's for potting;
7231 Or caught an otter otting.
7234 A flashy Mercedes-Benz roared up to the curb where a cute young miss stood
7236 "Hi," said the gentleman at the wheel. "I'm going west."
7237 "How wonderful," came the cool reply. "Bring me back an orange."
7239 A fool and his honey are soon parted.
7241 A fool and his money are soon popular.
7243 A fool and your money are soon partners.
7245 A fool is a man who worries about whether or not his lover has integrity.
7246 A wise man, on the other hand, busies himself with deeper attributes.
7248 A fool must now and then be right by chance.
7250 A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds.
7251 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
7253 A fool-proof method for sculpting an elephant: first, get a huge block
7254 of marble; then you chip away everything that doesn't look like an
7257 A fool's brain digests philosophy into folly, science into
7258 superstition, and art into pedantry. Hence University education.
7259 -- George Bernard Shaw
7261 A formal parsing algorithm should not always be used.
7264 A Fortran compiler is the hobgoblin of little minis.
7266 A fox is wolf who sends flowers.
7269 "A fractal is by definition a set for which the Hausdorff Besicovitch
7270 dimension strictly exceeds the topological dimension."
7271 -- Mandelbrot, "The Fractal Geometry of Nature"
7273 A free society is one where it is safe to be unpopular.
7276 A freelance is one who gets paid by the word -- per piece or perhaps.
7279 A friend in need is a pest indeed.
7281 A friend is a present you give yourself.
7282 -- Robert Louis Stevenson
7284 A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go.
7285 You'll just be walking down the street and... Ooohh, that's much better.
7288 A friend of mine won't get a divorce, because he hates
7289 lawyers more than he hates his wife.
7291 A full belly makes a dull brain.
7292 -- Benjamin Franklin
7294 [and the local candy machine man. Ed]
7296 A "full" life in my experience is usually full only of other
7299 A furore Normanorum libera nos, O Domine!
7301 A Galileo could no more be elected president of the United States than
7302 he could be elected Pope of Rome. Both high posts are reserved for men
7303 favored by God with an extraordinary genius for swathing the bitter
7304 facts of life in bandages of self-illusion.
7307 A gambler's biggest thrill is winning a bet.
7308 His next biggest thrill is losing a bet.
7310 A gangster assembled an engineer, a chemist, and a physicist. He explained
7311 that he was entering a horse in a race the following week and the three
7312 assembled guys had the job of assuring that the gangster's horse would win.
7313 They were to reconvene the day before the race to tell the gangster how they
7314 each propose to ensure a win. When they reconvened the gangster started with
7317 Gangster: OK, Mr. engineer, what have you got?
7318 Engineer: Well, I've invented a way to weave metallic threads into the saddle
7319 blanket so that they will act as the plates of a battery and provide
7320 electrical shock to the horse.
7321 G: That's very good! But let's hear from the chemist.
7322 Chemist: I've synthesized a powerful stimulant that dissolves
7323 into simple blood sugars after ten minutes and therefore
7324 cannot be detected in post-race tests.
7325 G: Excellent, excellent! But I want to hear from the physicist before
7326 I decide what to do. Physicist?
7328 Physicist: Well, first consider a spherical horse in simple harmonic motion...
7330 A general leading the State Department resembles a dragon commanding
7332 -- New York Times, Jan. 20, 1981
7334 A gentleman is a man who wouldn't hit a lady with his hat on.
7336 [ And why not? For why does she have his hat on? Ed.]
7338 A gentleman never strikes a lady with his hat on.
7341 A gift of a flower will soon be made to you.
7343 A girl and a boy bump into each other -- surely an accident.
7344 A girl and a boy bump and her handkerchief drops -- surely another accident.
7345 But when a girl gives a boy a dead squid -- *_
\b_
\b_
\b_
\bthat _
\b_
\b_
\bhad _
\b_
\bto _
\b_
\b_
\b_
\bmean _
\b_
\b_
\b_
\b_
\b_
\b_
\b_
\b_
\bsomething*.
7346 -- S. Morgenstern, "The Silent Gondoliers"
7348 A girl with a future avoids the man with a past.
7349 -- Evan Esar, "The Humor of Humor"
7351 A girl's best friend is her mutter.
7354 A girl's conscience doesn't really keep her from doing anything wrong--
7355 it merely keeps her from enjoying it.
7357 A gleekzorp without a tornpee is like a quop without a fertsneet (sort
7360 A [golf] ball hitting a tree shall be deemed not to have hit the tree.
7361 Hitting a tree is simply bad luck and has no place in a scientific
7362 game. The player should estimate the distance the ball would have
7363 traveled if it had not hit the tree and play the ball from there,
7364 preferably atop a nice firm tuft of grass.
7367 A [golf] ball sliced or hooked into the rough shall be lifted and
7368 placed in the fairway at a point equal to the distance it carried or
7369 rolled into the rough. Such veering right or left frequently results
7370 from friction between the face of the club and the cover of the ball
7371 and the player should not be penalized for the erratic behavior of the
7372 ball resulting from such uncontrollable physical phenomena.
7375 A good man always knows his limitations.
7378 A good marriage would be between a blind wife and deaf husband.
7379 -- Michel de Montaigne
7381 A good memory does not equal pale ink.
7383 A good name lost is seldom regained. When character is gone,
7384 all is gone, and one of the richest jewels of life is lost forever.
7387 A good plan today is better than a perfect plan tomorrow.
7390 A good programmer is someone who looks both ways before crossing a
7394 A good question is never answered. It is not a bolt to be tightened
7395 into place but a seed to be planted and to bear more seed toward the
7396 hope of greening the landscape of idea.
7399 A good reputation is more valuable than money.
7402 A good scapegoat is hard to find.
7404 A good supervisor can step on your toes without messing up your shine.
7406 A good sysadmin always carries around a few feet of fiber. If he ever
7407 gets lost, he simply drops the fiber on the ground, waits ten minutes,
7408 then asks the backhoe operator for directions.
7409 -- Bill Bradford <mrbill@mrbill.net>
7411 A GOOD WAY TO THREATEN somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you
7412 call the guy and hold the burning fuse to the phone. "Hear that?" you say.
7413 "That's dynamite, baby."
7414 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican", 1988.
7416 A gossip is one who talks to you about others, a bore is one who talks to
7417 you about himself; and a brilliant conversationalist is one who talks to
7421 A gourmet restaurant in Cincinnati is one where you leave the tray on
7422 the table after you eat.
7424 A gourmet who thinks of calories is like a tart that looks at her watch.
7427 A government that is big enough to give you all you want is big enough
7428 to take it all away.
7431 A grammarian's life is always intense.
7433 A great empire, like a great cake, is most easily diminished at the edges.
7434 -- Benjamin Franklin
7436 A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely
7437 rearranging their prejudices.
7440 A great nation is any mob of people which produces at least one honest
7443 A green hunting cap squeezed the top of the fleshy balloon of a head. The
7444 green earflaps, full of large ears and uncut hair and the fine bristles that
7445 grew in the ears themselves, stuck out on either side like turn signals
7446 indicating two directions at once. Full, pursed lips protruded beneath the
7447 bushy black moustache and, at their corners, sank into little folds filled
7448 with disapproval and potato chip crumbs. In the shadow under the green visor
7449 of the cap Ignatius J. Reilly's supercilious blue and yellow eyes looked down
7450 upon the other people waiting under the clock at the D. H. Holmes department
7451 store, studying the crowd of people for signs of bad taste in dress. Several
7452 of the outfits, Ignatius noticed, were new enough and expensive enough to be
7453 properly considered offenses against taste and decency. Possession of
7454 anything new or expensive only reflected a person's lack of theology and
7455 geometry; it could even cast doubts upon one's soul.
7456 -- John Kennedy Toole, "Confederacy of Dunces"
7458 A group of politicians deciding to dump a President because his morals
7459 are bad is like the Mafia getting together to bump off the Godfather for
7460 not going to church on Sunday.
7463 A guilty conscience is the mother of invention.
7466 A guy has to get fresh once in a while
7467 so a girl doesn't lose her confidence.
7469 A hacker does for love what others would not do for money.
7472 Is nerve-wracking and dangerous.
7473 To retain people as men -- and maidservants
7474 Brings good fortune.
7476 A hammer sometimes misses its mark - a bouquet never.
7478 A handful of friends is worth more than a wagon of gold.
7480 A handful of patience is worth more than a bushel of brains.
7482 A healthy male adult bore consumes each year one and a half times his own
7483 weight in other people's patience.
7486 A help wanted add for a photo journalist asked the rhetorical question:
7488 If you found yourself in a situation where you could either save
7489 a drowning man, or you could take a Pulitzer prize winning
7490 photograph of him drowning, what shutter speed and setting would
7495 A Hen Brooding Kittens
7496 A friend informs us that he saw at the Novato ranch, Marin county,
7497 a few days since, a hen actually brooding and otherwise caring for three
7498 kittens! The gentleman upon whose premises this strange event is transpiring
7499 says the hen adopted the kittens when they were but a few days old, and that
7500 she has devoted them her undivided care for several weeks past. The young
7501 felines are now of respectable size, but they nevertheless follow the hen at
7502 her cluckings, and are regularly brooded at night beneath her wings.
7503 -- Sacramento Daily Union, July 2, 1861
7505 A hermit is a deserter from the army of humanity.
7507 A holding company is a thing where you hand
7508 an accomplice the goods while the policeman searches you.
7510 A Hollywood producer calls a friend, another producer on the phone.
7511 "Hello?" his friend answers.
7512 "Hi!" says the man. "This is Bob, how are you doing?"
7513 "Oh," says the friend, "I'm doing great! I just sold a screenplay
7514 for two hundred thousand dollars. I've started a novel adaptation and the
7515 studio advanced me fifty thousand dollars on it. I also have a television
7516 series coming on next week, and everyone says it's going to be a big hit!
7517 I'm doing *great*! How are you?"
7518 "Okay," says the producer, "give me a call when he leaves."
7520 A homeowner's reach should exceed his grasp, or what's a weekend for?
7522 "A horrible little boy came up to me and said, `You know in your book
7523 The Martian Chronicles?' I said, `Yes?' He said, `You know where you
7524 talk about Deimos rising in the East?' I said, `Yes?' He said `No.'
7526 -- attributed to Ray Bradbury
7528 A horse! A horse! My kingdom for a horse!
7529 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
7531 A hundred thousand lemmings can't be wrong!
7533 A hundred years from now it is very likely that [of Twain's works] "The
7534 Jumping Frog" alone will be remembered.
7535 -- Harry Thurston Peck (Editor of "The Bookman"), January 1901.
7537 A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.
7540 A hypocrite is a person who ... but who isn't?
7543 A hypothetical paradox:
7544 What would happen in a battle between an Enterprise security
7545 team, who always get killed soon after appearing, and a squad of
7546 Imperial Stormtroopers, who can't hit the broad side of a planet?
7549 A is for AMY who fell down the stairs, B is for BASIL assaulted by bears.
7550 C is for CLARA who wasted away, D is for DESMOND thrown out of a sleigh.
7551 E is for ERNEST who choked on a peach, F is for FANNY sucked dry by a leech.
7552 G is for GEORGE smothered under a rug, H is for HECTOR done in by a thug.
7553 I is for IDA who drowned in a lake, J is for JAMES who took lye by mistake.
7554 K is for KATE who was struck with an axe, L is for LEO who swallowed some tacks.
7555 M is for MAUD who was swept out to sea, N is for NEVILLE who died of ennui.
7556 O is for OLIVE run through with an awl, P is for PRUE trampled flat in a brawl.
7557 Q is for QUENTIN who sank in a mire, R is for RHODA consumed by a fire.
7558 S is for SUSAN who perished of fits, T is for TITUS who flew into bits.
7559 U is for UNA who slipped down a drain, V is for VICTOR squashed under a train.
7560 W is for WINNIE embedded in ice, X is for XERXES devoured by mice.
7561 Y is for YORICK whose head was knocked in, Z is for ZILLAH who drank too much gin.
7562 -- Edward Gorey, "The Gashlycrumb Tinies"
7567 A is for awk, which runs like a snail, and
7568 B is for biff, which reads all your mail.
7569 C is for cc, as hackers recall, while
7570 D is for dd, the command that does all.
7571 E is for emacs, which rebinds your keys, and
7572 F is for fsck, which rebuilds your trees.
7573 G is for grep, a clever detective, while
7574 H is for halt, which may seem defective.
7575 I is for indent, which rarely amuses, and
7576 J is for join, which nobody uses.
7577 K is for kill, which makes you the boss, while
7578 L is for lex, which is missing from DOS.
7579 M is for more, from which less was begot, and
7580 N is for nice, which it really is not.
7581 O is for od, which prints out things nice, while
7582 P is for passwd, which reads in strings twice.
7583 Q is for quota, a Berkeley-type fable, and
7584 R is for ranlib, for sorting ar table.
7585 S is for spell, which attempts to belittle, while
7586 T is for true, which does very little.
7587 U is for uniq, which is used after sort, and
7588 V is for vi, which is hard to abort.
7589 W is for whoami, which tells you your name, while
7590 X is, well, X, of dubious fame.
7591 Y is for yes, which makes an impression, and
7592 Z is for zcat, which handles compression.
7593 -- THE ABC'S OF UNIX
7595 A joint is just tea for two.
7597 A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
7599 A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance from Sam.
7601 A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step.
7604 A journey of a thousand miles starts under one's feet.
7607 A jug of wine, a bowl of rice with it;
7609 Simply handed in through the window.
7610 There is certainly no blame in this.
7612 A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer.
7615 A key to the understanding of all religions is that a God's idea of a
7616 good time is a game of Snakes and Ladders with greased rungs.
7618 A kid'll eat the middle of an Oreo, eventually.
7620 A kind of Batman of contemporary letters.
7621 -- Philip Larkin on Anthony Burgess
7623 A king's castle is his home.
7625 A kiss is a course of procedure, cunningly devised,
7626 for the mutual stoppage of speech at a moment when
7627 words are superfluous.
7629 A lack of leadership is no substitute for inaction.
7631 A lady is one who never shows her underwear unintentionally.
7634 A lady with one of her ears applied
7635 To an open keyhole heard, inside,
7636 Two female gossips in converse free --
7637 The subject engaging them was she.
7638 "I think", said one, "and my husband thinks
7639 That she's a prying, inquisitive minx!"
7640 As soon as no more of it she could hear
7641 The lady, indignant, removed her ear.
7642 "I will not stay," she said with a pout,
7643 "To hear my character lied about!"
7646 A language that doesn't affect the way you
7647 think about programming is not worth knowing.
7650 A language that doesn't have everything is
7651 actually easier to program in than some that do.
7652 -- Dennis M. Ritchie
7654 A lanky Texan was mad because Texas had just become the second largest state in
7655 the Union, so he made up his mind to move to Alaska. He drove for three days
7656 and three nights to get there and finally he came to what looked like the state
7657 line. He halted his car and walked up to the border guard. "Hi, there! How
7658 do I become a resident of this here biggest state?" demanded the Texan.
7659 The guard looked him up and down and grinned. "Waal," he answered,
7660 there are three things you gotta do to get in. First, drink down a quart of
7661 110 proof corn liquor without blinkin'. Second, kill a grizzly bear, and
7662 third, make love to an Eskimo woman."
7663 "Sounds easy enough," said the Texan. "Where can I get a quart of
7664 this here corn liquor?"
7665 "Got one right here," replied the guard.
7666 The Texan gulped down the whiskey without batting an eyelash.
7667 "Now, do you happen to know where I can find me a grizzly?"
7668 "Yep," answered the guard, "there's a big b'ar over that way, 'bout
7669 a mile... lives in a cave on that cliff."
7670 The Texan lurched merrily off. About an hour later he returned
7671 with his clothes almost torn off and his face scratched and bloody. He was
7672 smiling happily. "Now," he roared, "where's that damn Eskimo woman you
7675 A large number of installed systems work by fiat.
7676 That is, they work by being declared to work.
7679 A large spider in an old house built a beautiful web in which to catch flies.
7680 Every time a fly landed on the web and was entangled in it the spider devoured
7681 him, so that when another fly came along he would think the web was a safe and
7682 quiet place in which to rest. One day a fairly intelligent fly buzzed around
7683 above the web so long without lighting that the spider appeared and said,
7684 "Come on down." But the fly was too clever for him and said, "I never light
7685 where I don't see other flies and I don't see any other flies in your house."
7686 So he flew away until he came to a place where there were a great many other
7687 flies. He was about to settle down among them when a bee buzzed up and said,
7688 "Hold it, stupid, that's flypaper. All those flies are trapped." "Don't be
7689 silly," said the fly, "they're dancing." So he settled down and became stuck
7690 to the flypaper with all the other flies.
7692 Moral: There is no safety in numbers, or in anything else.
7693 -- James Thurber, "The Fairly Intelligent Fly"
7695 A Law of Computer Programming:
7696 Make it possible for programmers to write in English and you
7697 will find that programmers cannot write in English.
7699 A liberal is a man too broadminded to take his own side in a quarrel.
7702 A liberal is a person whose interests aren't at stake at the moment.
7705 A liberal is someone too poor to be a
7706 capitalist, and too rich to be a communist.
7708 A lie in time saves nine.
7710 A lie is an abomination unto the Lord and a very present help in time of
7714 A life spent in search of the perfect hash brownie is a life well spent.
7716 A lifetime isn't nearly long enough to figure out what it's all about.
7718 A light wife doth make a heavy husband.
7719 -- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"
7721 A likely impossibility is always preferable to an unconvincing possibility.
7724 A limerick packs laughs anatomical
7725 Into space that is quite economical.
7726 But the good ones I've seen
7727 So seldom are clean,
7728 And the clean ones so seldom are comical.
7730 A LISP programmer knows the value of everything,
7731 but the cost of nothing.
7734 A list is only as strong as its weakest link.
7737 A little experience often upsets a lot of theory.
7739 A little inaccuracy saves a world of explanation.
7742 A little inaccuracy sometimes saves tons of explanation.
7743 -- H. H. Munroe a.k.a. Saki, "The Square Egg" (1924)
7745 A little kid went up to Santa and asked him, "Santa, you know when I'm bad
7746 right?" And Santa says, "Yes, I do." The little kid then asks, "And you
7747 know when I'm sleeping?" To which Santa replies, "Every minute." So the
7748 little kid then says, "Well, if you know when I'm bad and when I'm good,
7749 then how come you don't know what I want for Christmas?"
7751 A little retrospection shows that although many fine, useful software systems
7752 have been designed by committees and built as part of multipart projects,
7753 those software systems that have excited passionate fans are those that are
7754 the products of one or a few designing minds, great designers. Consider Unix,
7755 APL, Pascal, Modula, the Smalltalk interface, even Fortran; and contrast them
7756 with Cobol, PL/I, Algol, MVS/370, and MS-DOS.
7759 A little word of doubtful number,
7760 A foe to rest and peaceful slumber.
7761 If you add an "s" to this,
7762 Great is the metamorphosis.
7763 Plural is plural now no more,
7764 And sweet what bitter was before.
7767 A log may float in a river, but that does not make it a crocodile.
7769 A long memory is the most subversive idea in America.
7771 A long-forgotten loved one will appear soon. Buy the negatives at any
7774 A Los Angeles judge ruled that "a citizen may snore with immunity in
7775 his own home, even though he may be in possession of unusual and
7776 exceptional ability in that particular field."
7778 A lost ounce of gold may be found, a lost moment of time never.
7780 A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me. I'm afraid of widths.
7783 A lot of people I know believe in positive thinking,
7784 and so do I. I believe everything positively stinks.
7787 A lover without indiscretion is no lover at all.
7790 A major, with wonderful force,
7791 Called out in Hyde Park for a horse.
7792 All the flowers looked round,
7793 But no horse could be found;
7794 So he just rhododendron, of course.
7796 A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who has never owned a car.
7799 A man always needs to remember one thing about
7800 a beautiful woman. Somewhere, somebody's tired of her.
7802 A man always remembers his first love with special
7803 tenderness, but after that begins to bunch them.
7806 A man arrived home early to find his wife in the arms of his best friend,
7807 who swore how much they were in love. To quiet the enraged husband, the
7808 lover suggested, "Friends shouldn't fight, let's play gin rummy. If I win,
7809 you get a divorce so I can marry her. If you win, I promise never to see
7811 "Alright," agreed the husband. "But how about a quarter a point
7812 on the side to make it interesting?"
7814 A man can have two, maybe three love affairs while he's married. After
7818 A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen
7819 or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.
7822 A man does not look behind the door unless he has stood there himself.
7825 A man fell off a mountain and, as he fell, saw a branch and grabbed for it.
7826 By superhuman effort he was able to get a precarious grip on it. As he
7827 was hanging there for dear life, he looked up and cried out,
7829 A deep majestic voice answered,
7830 "Yes my son, I am here. What do you need?"
7831 "Help me!!" cried the man.
7832 "I will help you", said the voice, "Just let go of the branch and
7833 you'll be safe. All you have to do is trust."
7834 The man thought for a moment and cried out:
7835 "Anybody ELSE up there?"
7837 A man gazing at the stars is proverbially at the mercy of the puddles
7841 A man goes into a bar and begins to tell a Polish joke. The man sitting
7842 next to him, a big hulking powerhouse, turns and says menacingly, "*I'm*
7844 He then calls out, "Ivan! Come over here and bring your brother."
7845 Two men, bigger than the first, appear from the back room.
7846 "Josef!" the man calls out, "come here a second, and bring Lendl
7847 with you." Two more men appear, and all five men crowd around the man with
7849 "Now," says the first Polish man, "do you want to finish that joke?"
7850 "Nah," says the man.
7851 "Oh, no? And why not? I'm sure it was very funny," says the Polish
7852 man, opening and closing his fist. "Are you scared?"
7853 "No," replies the man. "I just don't feel like having to explain it
7856 A man in love is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.
7857 -- Zsa Zsa Gabor, "Newsweek"
7859 A man is already halfway in love with any woman who listens to him.
7862 A man is crawling through the Sahara desert when he is approached by another
7863 man riding on a camel. When the rider gets close enough, the crawling man
7864 whispers through his sun-parched lips, "Water... please... can you give...
7866 "I'm sorry," replies the man on the camel, "I don't have any water
7867 with me. But I'd be delighted to sell you a necktie."
7868 "Tie?" whispers the man. "I need *water*."
7869 "They're only four dollars apiece."
7871 "Okay, okay, say two for seven dollars."
7872 "Please! I need *water*!", says the man.
7873 "I don't have any water, all I have are ties," replies the salesman,
7874 and he heads off into the distance.
7875 The man, losing track of time, crawls for what seems like days.
7876 Finally, nearly dead, sun-blind and with his skin peeling and blistering, he
7877 sees a restaurant in the distance. Summoning the last of his strength he
7878 staggers up to the door and confronts the head waiter.
7879 "Water... can I get... water," the dying man manages to stammer.
7880 "I'm sorry, sir, ties required."
7882 A man is known by the company he organizes.
7885 A man is like a rusty wheel on a rusty cart,
7886 He sings his song as he rattles along and then he falls apart.
7889 A man is only as old as the woman he feels.
7892 A man is walking along when he sees a funeral procession going by, the
7893 longest procession he's ever seen. It seems to consist of the hearse,
7894 followed by a man with a Doberman on a leash, followed by several hundred
7895 other men. After watching for a few minutes, he can restrain his curiosity
7896 no longer, and walks up to one of the mourners.
7897 "Excuse me, sir, I don't mean to bother you in your moment of grief,
7898 but this is the strangest procession I've ever seen. What happened, who is
7900 "Well, it's nothing special, really, the funeral is for the mother-
7901 in-law of the man at the front of the procession. You see, his Doberman
7902 attacked and killed her."
7903 "That's awful!", replies the onlooker. "But... um... tell me, you
7904 don't think he'd let me borrow that dog, do you?"
7905 "Get in line, buddy," replies the mourner, "get in line."
7907 A man is walking down the street when he sees a man with four arms, and
7908 antennae coming out of his head. He goes up to him and says, "You're not
7909 from around here, are you?"
7910 "No," replies the man with the antennae.
7911 "You know," continues the man, "I don't think you're an American,
7912 either. In fact, I bet you don't even come from this planet!"
7913 "Right again," says the man with four arms. "I'm from Mars."
7914 "Well," says the man, "that's quite some configuration you've got
7915 there, with those four arms and those antennae and everything."
7916 "We Martians all have four arms and antennae."
7917 "Well, that's just amazing," replies the man, "and how about that
7918 big gold colored plate in the middle of your chest, what's that, do all
7919 Martians have that?"
7920 "Well, no," says the Martian. "Not the *goyim*."
7922 A man marries to have a home, but also because he doesn't want to be
7923 bothered with sex and all that sort of thing.
7924 -- W. Somerset Maugham, "The Circle"
7926 A man may be so much of everything that he is nothing of anything.
7929 A man may sometimes be forgiven the kiss to which he is not entitled,
7930 but never the kiss he has not the initiative to claim.
7932 A man may well bring a horse to the water,
7933 but he cannot make him drink with he will.
7936 A man of genius makes no mistakes.
7937 His errors are volitional and are the portals of discovery.
7938 -- James Joyce, "Ulysses"
7940 A man paints with his brains and not with his hands.
7942 A man said to the Universe:
7944 "However," replied the Universe,
7945 "the fact has not created in me a sense of obligation."
7948 A man took his wife deer hunting for the first time. After he'd given her
7949 some basic instructions, they agreed to separate and rendezvous later. Before
7950 he left, he warned her if she should fell a deer to be wary of hunters who
7951 might beat her to the carcass and claim the kill. If that happened, he told
7952 her, she should fire her gun three times into the air and he would come to
7954 Shortly after they separated, he heard a single shot, followed quickly
7955 by the agreed upon signal. Running to the scene, he found his wife standing
7956 in a small clearing with a very nervous man staring down her gun barrel.
7957 "He claims this is his," she said, obviously very upset.
7958 "She can keep it, she can keep it!" the wide-eyed man replied. "I
7959 just want to get my saddle back!"
7961 A man usually falls in love with a woman who asks the kinds of questions
7962 he is able to answer.
7965 A man was griping to his friend about how he hated to go home after a
7967 "You wouldn't believe what I go through to avoid waking my wife,"
7968 he said. "First, I kill the engine a block away from the house and coast
7969 into the garage. Then I open the door slowly, take off my shoes, and
7970 tiptoe to our room. But just as I'm about to slide into bed, she always
7971 wakes up and gives me hell."
7972 "I make a big racket when I go home," his friend replied.
7974 "Sure. I honk the horn, slam the door, turn on all the lights,
7975 stomp up to the bedroom and give my wife a big kiss. `Hi, Alice,' I say.
7976 `How about a little smooch for your old man?'"
7977 "And what does she say?" his friend asked in disbelief.
7978 "She doesn't say anything," his buddy replied. "She always pretends
7981 A man was kneeling by a grave in a cemetery, crying and praying very loudly,
7982 "Oh why..eeeee did you die...eeeeee, Oh Why..eeeeee,
7983 why did you Di......eeee"
7984 The caretaker walks up, pardons himself and asks politely,
7985 "Excuse me, sir, but I've been seeing you for hours now,
7986 carrying on at this grave. You must have been very close to the deceased."
7987 "No, I never met him. Oh why....eeeee did you dieeeeee,
7988 why....eeeee did you.."
7989 "Sir, you say you never met this person, yet you carry on so?
7990 Tell, me who is buried here?"
7991 "My wife's first husband."
7993 A man who cannot seduce men cannot save them either.
7994 -- Soren Kierkegaard
7996 A man who carries a cat by its tail learns something he can learn
7999 A man who fishes for marlin in ponds
8000 will put his money in Etruscan bonds.
8002 A man who likes to lie in bed can usually
8003 find a girl willing to listen to him.
8005 A man who turns green has eschewed protein.
8007 A man with 3 wings and a dictionary is cousin to the turkey.
8009 A man with one watch knows what time it is.
8010 A man with two watches is never quite sure.
8012 A man without a God is like a fish without a bicycle.
8014 A man without a woman is like a fish without gills.
8016 A man without a woman is like a statue without pigeons.
8018 A man would still do something out of sheer perversity - he would create
8019 destruction and chaos - just to gain his point... and if all this could in
8020 turn be analyzed and prevented by predicting that it would occur, then man
8021 would deliberately go mad to prove his point.
8022 -- Feodor Dostoevsky, "Notes From the Underground"
8024 A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small package.
8026 A man's best friend is his dogma.
8028 A man's gotta know his limitations.
8029 -- Clint Eastwood, "Dirty Harry"
8031 A man's house is his castle.
8034 A man's house is his hassle.
8036 A master was asked the question, "What is the Way?" by a curious monk.
8037 "It is right before your eyes," said the master.
8038 "Why do I not see it for myself?"
8039 "Because you are thinking of yourself."
8040 "What about you: do you see it?"
8041 "So long as you see double, saying `I don't', and `you do', and so
8042 on, your eyes are clouded," said the master.
8043 "When there is neither `I' nor `You', can one see it?"
8044 "When there is neither `I' nor `You',
8045 who is the one that wants to see it?"
8047 A mathematician, a doctor, and an engineer are walking on the beach and
8048 observe a team of lifeguards pumping the stomach of a drowned woman. As
8049 they watch, water, sand, snails and such come out of the pump.
8050 The doctor watches for a while and says: "Keep pumping, men, you may
8052 The mathematician does some calculations and says: "According to my
8053 understanding of the size of that pump, you have already pumped more water
8054 from her body than could be contained in a cylinder 4 feet in diameter and
8056 The engineer says: "I think she's sitting in a puddle."
8058 A mathematician is a device for converting coffee into theorems.
8061 A meeting is an event at which the
8062 minutes are kept and the hours are lost.
8064 A memorandum is written not to inform the reader,
8065 but to protect the writer.
8068 A method of solution is perfect if we can foresee from the start,
8069 and even prove, that following that method we shall attain our aim.
8070 -- Gottfried Wilhelm Leibniz
8072 A Mexican newspaper reports that bored Royal Air Force pilots stationed
8073 on the Falkland Islands have devised what they consider a marvelous new
8074 game. Noting that the local penguins are fascinated by airplanes, the
8075 pilots search out a beach where the birds are gathered and fly slowly
8076 along it at the water's edge. Perhaps ten thousand penguins turn their
8077 heads in unison watching the planes go by, and when the pilots turn
8078 around and fly back, the birds turn their heads in the opposite
8079 direction, like spectators at a slow-motion tennis match. Then, the
8080 paper reports, "The pilots fly out to sea and directly to the penguin
8081 colony and overfly it. Heads go up, up, up, and ten thousand penguins
8082 fall over gently onto their backs.
8083 -- Audubon Society Magazine
8085 [From the BBC, 2001-02-02:
8086 For five weeks, a team from the British Antarctic Survey (BAS)
8087 monitored 1,000 king penguins on the island of South Georgia as Lynx
8088 helicopters passed overhead.
8089 "Not one king penguin fell over when the helicopters came over,"
8090 said team leader Dr. Richard Stone.
8091 "As the aircraft approached, the birds went quiet and stopped
8092 calling to each other, and adolescent birds that were not associated
8093 with nests began walking away from the noise. Pure animal instinct,
8095 The conclusion, said Dr. Stone, is that flights over 305 metres
8096 (1,000 feet) caused "only minor and transitory ecological effects" on
8099 A mighty creature is the germ,
8100 Though smaller than the pachyderm.
8101 His customary dwelling place
8102 Is deep within the human race.
8103 His childish pride he often pleases
8104 By giving people strange diseases.
8105 Do you, my poppet, feel infirm?
8106 You probably contain a germ.
8109 A mind is a wonderful thing to waste.
8111 A modem is a baudy house.
8113 A modest woman, dressed out in all her finery,
8114 is the most tremendous object in the whole creation.
8117 A mother mouse was taking her large brood for a stroll across the kitchen
8118 floor one day when the local cat, by a feat of stealth unusual even for
8119 its species, managed to trap them in a corner. The children cowered,
8120 terrified by this fearsome beast, plaintively crying, "Help, Mother!
8121 Save us! Save us! We're scared, Mother!"
8122 Mother Mouse, with the hopeless valor of a parent protecting its
8123 children, turned with her teeth bared to the cat, towering huge above them,
8124 and suddenly began to bark in a fashion that would have done any Doberman
8125 proud. The startled cat fled in fear for its life.
8126 As her grateful offspring flocked around her shouting "Oh, Mother,
8127 you saved us!" and "Yay! You scared the cat away!" she turned to them
8128 purposefully and declared, "You see how useful it is to know a second
8131 A mother takes twenty years to make a man of her boy,
8132 and another woman makes a fool of him in twenty minutes.
8135 A motion to adjourn is always in order.
8137 A mouse is an elephant built by the Japanese.
8139 A mushroom cloud has no silver lining.
8141 A musician, an artist, an architect:
8142 the man or woman who is not one of these is not a Christian.
8145 A myth is a religion in which no-one any longer believes.
8146 -- James Feibleman, "Understanding Philosophy"
8148 A narcissist is anyone better-looking than you.
8151 A narcissist is someone better looking than you are.
8154 A nasty looking dwarf throws a knife at you.
8156 A national debt, if it is not excessive,
8157 will be to us a national blessing.
8158 -- Alexander Hamilton
8160 A neighbor came to Nasrudin, asking to borrow his donkey. "It is out
8161 on loan," the teacher replied. At that moment, the donkey brayed
8162 loudly inside the stable. "But I can hear it bray, over there." "Whom
8163 do you believe," asked Nasrudin, "me or a donkey?"
8165 A new 'chutist had just jumped from the plane at 10,000 feet, and soon
8166 discovered that all his lines were hopelessly tangled. At about 5,000 feet,
8167 still struggling, he noticed someone coming up from the ground at about the
8168 same speed as he was going towards the ground. As they passed each other at
8169 3,000 feet, the 'chutist yells, "HEY! DO YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT PARACHUTES?"
8170 The reply came, fading towards the end, "NO! DO YOU KNOW ANYTHING
8171 ABOUT COLEMAN STOVES?"
8173 A new dramatist of the absurd
8174 Has a voice that will shortly be heard.
8175 I learn from my spies
8176 He's about to devise
8177 An unprintable three-letter word.
8180 If you have some ice cream, I will give it to you.
8181 If you have no ice cream, I will take it away from you.
8182 It is an ice cream koan.
8184 A new supply of round tuits has arrived and are available from Mary.
8185 Anyone who has been putting off work until they got a `round tuit'
8186 now has no excuse for further procrastination.
8188 A new taste had been acquired and a new appetite began to grow. The time
8189 had long since arrived to crush the technical intelligentsia, which had
8190 come to regard itself as too irreplaceable and had not gotten used to
8191 catching instructions on the wing. In other words, we never did trust
8192 the engineers - and from the very first years of the Revolution we saw to
8193 it that those lackeys and servants of former capitalist bosses were kept
8194 in line by healthy suspicion and surveillance by the workers.
8195 -- Aleksandr I. Solzhenitsyn, "The Gulag Archipelago"
8197 A New Way of Taking Pills
8198 A physician one night in Wisconsin being disturbed by a burglar, and
8199 having no ball or shot for his pistol, noiselessly loaded the weapon with
8200 small, hard pills, and gave the intruder a "prescription" which he thinks
8201 will go far towards curing the rascal of a very bad ailment.
8202 -- Nevada Morning Transcript, January 30, 1861
8204 A New York City judge ruled that if two women behind you at the movies
8205 insist on discussing the probable outcome of the film, you have the
8206 right to turn around and blow a Bronx cheer at them.
8208 A New York City ordinance prohibits the shooting of rabbits from the
8209 rear of a Third Avenue street car -- if the car is in motion.
8211 A New Yorker is riding down the road in his new Mercedes. So intent is he
8212 on the cocaine in his hand he completely misses a turn and his car plunges
8213 over the five-hundred-foot cliff to be smashed into pieces at the bottom.
8214 As the on-lookers rush to the edge of the cliff they see him fifty feet
8215 from the top of the cliff clinging to a stunted bush with all his strength.
8216 "Dear Lord," he prays, "I never asked you for nothin' before, but I'm askin'
8217 you now: Save me, Lord, save me."
8218 Booms the Lord: "LET GO OF THE BRANCH."
8219 "But Lord, if I do that, I'll fall!"
8220 "TRUST ME, LET GO OF THE BRANCH."
8221 "But Lord, I'm gonna fall and die..."
8222 "TRUST ME TO SAVE YOU. LET GO OF THE BRANCH."
8223 Okay, Lord, I'll trust you, here I... here I go!" And he falls
8227 A New Yorker was driving through Berkeley when he saw a big crowd gathered
8228 by the side of the street. Curiosity got the better of him and he leaned
8229 out of his window to ask an onlooker what was going on. The fellow explained
8230 that a protestor against the U.S. position in South America had doused
8231 himself with gasoline and set himself on fire. "That's terrible," gasped
8232 the man. "But why is everyone still standing around?"
8233 "Well, they're taking up a collection for his wife and kids," the
8234 onlooker explained. "Would you be willing to help?"
8235 "Well, sure," replied the New Yorker. "I suppose I could spare a
8238 A newspaper is a circulating library with high blood pressure.
8239 -- Arthure "Bugs" Baer
8241 A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore.
8244 A "No" uttered from deepest conviction is better and greater than a
8245 "Yes" merely uttered to please, or what is worse, to avoid trouble.
8248 A novice asked the Master: "Here is a programmer that never designs,
8249 documents or tests his programs. Yet all who know him consider him
8250 one of the bests programmer in the world. Why is this?"
8251 The Master replies: "That programmer has mastered the Tao. He has
8252 gone beyond the need for design; he does not become angry when the system
8253 crashes, but accepts the universe without concern. He has gone beyond the
8254 need for documentation; he no longer cares if anyone else sees his code.
8255 He has gone beyond the need for testing; each of his programs are perfect
8256 within themselves, serene and elegant, their purpose self-evident. Truly,
8257 he has entered the mystery of Tao."
8259 A novice of the temple once approached the Chief Priest with a question.
8261 "Master, does Emacs have the Buddha nature?" the novice asked.
8263 The Chief Priest had been in the temple for many years and could be
8264 relied upon to know these things. He thought for several minutes
8267 "I don't see why not. It's got bloody well everything else."
8269 With that, the Chief Priest went to lunch. The novice suddenly achieved
8270 enlightenment, several years later.
8275 Answering his FAQ quickly,
8276 With thought and sarcasm.
8278 A novice was trying to fix a broken Lisp machine by turning the power
8279 off and on. Knight, seeing what the student was doing spoke sternly:
8280 "You can not fix a machine by just power-cycling it with no
8281 understanding of what is going wrong." Knight turned the machine off
8282 and on. The machine worked.
8284 A nuclear war can ruin your whole day.
8286 A pain in the ass of major dimensions.
8287 -- C. A. Desoer, on the solution of non-linear circuits
8289 A Parable of Modern Research:
8291 Bob has lost his keys in a room which is dark except for one
8292 brightly lit corner.
8293 "Why are you looking under the light, you lost them in the dark!"
8294 "I can only see here."
8296 A paranoid is a man who knows a little of what's going on.
8297 -- William S. Burroughs
8299 A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the pants.
8301 A pedestal is as much a prison as any small, confined space.
8304 A pencil with no point needs no eraser.
8306 "A penny for your thoughts?"
8307 "A dollar for your death."
8310 A penny saved has not been spent.
8312 A penny saved is a penny taxed.
8314 A penny saved is ridiculous.
8316 A penny saved kills your career in government.
8318 A people living under the perpetual menace of war and invasion is very easy to
8319 govern. It demands no social reforms. It does not haggle over expenditures
8320 on armaments and military equipment. It pays without discussion, it ruins
8321 itself, and that is an excellent thing for the syndicates of financiers and
8322 manufacturers for whom patriotic terrors are an abundant source of gain.
8325 A perfectly honest woman, a woman who never flatters, who never manages,
8326 who never cajoles, who never conceals, who never uses her eyes, who never
8327 speculates on the effect which she produces, who never is conscious of
8328 unspoken admiration, what a monster, I say, would such a female be!
8331 A person forgives only when they are in the wrong.
8333 A person is just about as big as the things that make them angry.
8335 A person who has nothing looks at all there is and wants something.
8336 A person who has something looks at all there is and wants all the rest.
8338 A person who is more than casually interested in computers should be well
8339 schooled in machine language, since it is a fundamental part of a computer.
8342 A pessimist is a man who has been compelled to live with an optimist.
8345 A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.
8348 A pickup with three guys in it pulls into the lumber yard. One of the men
8349 gets out and goes into the office.
8350 "I need some four-by-two's," he says.
8351 "You must mean two-by-four's" replies the clerk.
8352 The man scratches his head. "Wait a minute," he says, "I'll go
8354 Back, after an animated conversation with the other occupants of the
8355 truck, he reassures the clerk, that, yes, in fact, two-by-fours would be
8357 "OK," says the clerk, writing it down, "how long you want 'em?"
8358 The guy gets the blank look again. "Uh... I guess I better go
8360 He goes back out to the truck, and there's another animated
8361 conversation. The guy comes back into the office. "A long time," he says,
8362 "we're building a house".
8364 A pig is a jolly companion,
8365 Boar, sow, barrow, or gilt --
8366 A pig is a pal, who'll boost your morale,
8367 Though mountains may topple and tilt.
8368 When they've blackballed, bamboozled, and burned you,
8369 When they've turned on you, Tory and Whig,
8370 Though you may be thrown over by Tabby and Rover,
8371 You'll never go wrong with a pig, a pig,
8372 You'll never go wrong with a pig!
8373 -- Thomas Pynchon, "Gravity's Rainbow"
8375 A pipe gives a wise man time to think
8376 and a fool something to stick in his mouth.
8378 A place for everything and everything in its place.
8379 -- Isabella Mary Beeton, "The Book of Household Management"
8381 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
8382 referring to memory management system services.]
8384 A platitude is simply a truth repeated till people get tired of hearing it.
8387 A plethora of individuals with expertise in culinary techniques
8388 contaminate the potable concoction produced by steeping certain
8391 A plucked goose doesn't lay golden eggs.
8393 A poet who reads his verse in public may have other nasty habits.
8395 A Polish worker walks into a bank to deposit his paycheck. He has heard
8396 about Poland's economic problems, and he asks what would happen to his
8397 money if the bank collapsed. "All of our deposits are guaranteed by the
8398 finance ministry, sir," the teller replies.
8399 "But what if the finance ministry goes broke?" the worker asks.
8400 "Then the government will intercede to protect the working class,"
8402 "But what if the government goes broke?" the worker asks.
8403 "Our socialist comrades in the Soviet Union naturally will come
8404 to our assistance," the teller responds with growing irritation.
8405 "And if the Soviet Union goes broke?" the worker asks.
8406 "Idiot!" the teller snorts. "Isn't that worth losing one lousy
8408 -- Making the rounds in Warsaw, 1984
8410 A political man can have as his aim the realization of freedom,
8411 but he has no means to realize it other than through violence.
8414 A possum must be himself, and being himself he is honest.
8417 A pound of salt will not sweeten a single cup of tea.
8419 A power so great, it can only be used for Good or Evil!
8420 -- The Firesign Theatre, "The Giant Rat of Sumatra"
8422 A "practical joker" deserves applause for his wit according to its quality.
8423 Bastinado is about right. For exceptional wit one might grant keelhauling.
8424 But staking him out on an anthill should be reserved for the very wittiest.
8427 A prediction is worth twenty explanations.
8430 A pretty foot is one of the greatest gifts of nature... please send me your
8431 last pair of shoes, already worn out in dancing... so I can have something
8432 of yours to press against my heart.
8433 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
8435 A pretty woman can do anything; an ugly woman must do everything.
8437 A priest advised Voltaire on his death bed to renounce the devil.
8438 Replied Voltaire, "This is no time to make new enemies."
8440 A priest asked: What is Fate, Master?
8442 And the Master answered:
8443 It is that which gives a beast of burden its reason for existence.
8444 It is that which men in former times had to bear upon their backs.
8445 It is that which has caused nations to build byways from City to
8446 City upon which carts and coaches pass, and alongside which inns have come
8447 to be built to stave off Hunger, Thirst and Weariness.
8449 And that is Fate? said the priest.
8451 Fate ... I thought you said Freight, responded the Master.
8453 That's all right, said the priest. I wanted to know
8454 what Freight was too.
8455 -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
8457 A prig is a fellow who is always making you a present of his opinions.
8460 A prisoner of war is a man who tries to kill you and fails, and then
8461 asks you not to kill him.
8462 -- Sir Winston Churchill, 1952
8464 A private sin is not so prejudicial in the world as a public indecency.
8465 -- Miguel de Cervantes
8467 A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
8469 A programmer is a person who passes as an exacting expert on the basis
8470 of being able to turn out, after innumerable punching, an infinite
8471 series of incomprehensive answers calculated with micrometric
8472 precisions from vague assumptions based on debatable figures taken from
8473 inconclusive documents and carried out on instruments of problematical
8474 accuracy by persons of dubious reliability and questionable mentality
8475 for the avowed purpose of annoying and confounding a hopelessly
8476 defenseless department that was unfortunate enough to ask for the
8477 information in the first place.
8478 -- IEEE Grid news magazine
8480 A programming language is low level
8481 when its programs require attention to the irrelevant.
8483 A prohibitionist is the sort of man one wouldn't care to
8484 drink with -- even if he drank.
8487 A prominent broadcaster, on a big-game safari in Africa, was taken to a
8488 watering hole where the life of the jungle could be observed. As he
8489 looked down from his tree platform and described the scene into his
8490 tape recorder, he saw two gnus grazing peacefully. So preoccupied were
8491 they that they failed to observe the approach of a pride of lions led
8492 by two magnificent specimens, obviously the leaders. The lions charged,
8493 killed the gnus, and dragged them into the bushes where their feasting
8494 could not be seen. A little while later the two kings of the jungle
8495 emerged and the radioman recorded on his tape: "Well, that's the end of
8496 the gnus and here, once again, are the head lions."
8498 A promiscuous person is usually someone who is
8499 getting more sex than you are.
8502 A proper wife should be as obedient as a slave... The female is a female
8503 by virtue of a certain lack of qualities -- a natural defectiveness.
8506 A psychiatrist is a fellow who asks you a lot of expensive questions
8507 your wife asks you for nothing.
8510 A psychiatrist is a person who will give you expensive answers that
8511 your wife will give you for free.
8513 A public debt is a kind of anchor in the storm; but if the anchor be
8514 too heavy for the vessel, she will be sunk by that very weight which
8515 was intended for her preservation.
8518 A putt that stops close enough to the cup to inspire such comments as
8519 "you could blow it in" may be blown in. This rule does not apply if
8520 the ball is more than three inches from the hole, because no one wants
8521 to make a travesty of the game.
8524 A rabbi and a priest are sitting together on a train, and the rabbi leans
8525 over and asks, "So, how high can you advance in your organization?"
8526 The priest replies, "Well, if I am lucky, I guess I could become a
8528 "Well, could you get any higher than that?"
8529 "I suppose that if my works are seen in a very good light that I
8530 might be made an Archbishop."
8531 "Is there any way that you might go higher than that?"
8532 "If all the Saints should smile, I guess I could be made a Cardinal."
8533 "Could you be anything higher than a Cardinal?"
8534 Hesitating a little bit, the priest said, "I suppose that I could
8535 be elected Pope, but only if it's God's will."
8536 "And could you be anything higher than that, is there any way to go
8537 up from being the Pope?"
8538 "What?! I should be the Messiah himself?!"
8539 The rabbi leaned back and smiled. "One of our boys made it."
8541 A raccoon tangled with a 23,000 volt line today. The results
8542 blacked out 1400 homes and, of course, one raccoon.
8545 A racially integrated community is a chronological term timed from the
8546 entrance of the first black family to the exit of the last white family.
8549 A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives.
8551 A reading from the Book of Armaments, Chapter 4, Verses 16 to 20:
8553 Then did he raise on high the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch, saying,
8554 "Bless this, O Lord, that with it thou mayst blow thine enemies to tiny
8555 bits, in thy mercy." And the people did rejoice and did feast upon the
8556 lambs and toads and tree-sloths and fruit-bats and orangutans and
8557 breakfast cereals ... Now did the Lord say, "First thou pullest the
8558 Holy Pin. Then thou must count to three. Three shall be the number of
8559 the counting and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt
8560 thou not count, neither shalt thou count two, excepting that thou then
8561 proceedeth to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being
8562 the number of the counting, be reached, then lobbest thou the Holy Hand
8563 Grenade in the direction of thine foe, who, being naughty in my sight,
8565 -- Monty Python, "Monty Python and the Holy Grail"
8567 A real diplomat is one who can cut his neighbor's throat without having
8568 his neighbor notice it.
8571 A real estate agent, looking over a farmer's house for possible sale,
8572 commented to the farmer how sturdy the house looked.
8573 The farmer replied, "Yep, built it with my bare hands... did it
8574 the hard way. The steps to the front door, here, carved 'em out of
8575 field stones... did it the hard way. That hardwood floor in the living
8576 room, dovetailed the pieces myself... did it the hard way. The ceiling
8577 beams, made 'em out of my own oak trees... did it the hard way."
8578 Just then, the farmer's gorgeous daughter walked in. The farmer
8579 looks over at the real estate agent who is trying not to stare too
8580 obviously and smiles. "Yep... standing up in a canoe."
8582 A real friend isn't someone you use once and then throw away.
8583 A real friend is someone you can use over and over again.
8585 A real gentleman never takes bases unless he really has to.
8586 -- Overheard in an algebra lecture
8588 A real patriot is the fellow who gets a parking ticket and rejoices
8589 that the system works.
8591 A real person has two reasons for doing anything ... a good reason and
8594 A recent study has found that concentrating on difficult off-screen
8595 objects, such as the faces of loved ones, causes eye strain in computer
8596 scientists. Researchers into the phenomenon cite the added
8597 concentration needed to "make sense" of such unnatural three
8598 dimensional objects ...
8600 A rich man told me recently that a liberal is a man who tells other
8601 people what to do with their money.
8602 -- Imamu Amiri Baraka (Leroi Jones)
8604 A right is not what someone gives you; it's what no one can take from you.
8607 A Riverside, California, health ordinance states that two persons may
8608 not kiss each other without first wiping their lips with carbolized
8611 A robin redbreast in a cage
8612 Puts all Heaven in a rage.
8615 A rock pile ceases to be a rock pile the moment a single man
8616 contemplates it, bearing within him the image of a cathedral.
8617 -- Antoine de Saint-Exupery
8619 A rolling disk gathers no MOS.
8621 A rolling stone gathers momentum.
8623 A rolling stone gathers no moss.
8626 A Roman divorced from his wife, being highly blamed by his friends, who
8627 demanded, "Was she not chaste? Was she not fair? Was she not fruitful?"
8628 holding out his shoe, asked them whether it was not new and well made.
8629 Yet, added he, none of you can tell where it pinches me.
8632 A rope lying over the top of a fence is the same length on each side. It
8633 weighs one third of a pound per foot. On one end hangs a monkey holding a
8634 banana, and on the other end a weight equal to the weight of the monkey.
8635 The banana weighs two ounces per inch. The rope is as long (in feet) as
8636 the age of the monkey (in years), and the weight of the monkey (in ounces)
8637 is the same as the age of the monkey's mother. The combined age of the
8638 monkey and its mother is thirty years. One half of the weight of the monkey,
8639 plus the weight of the banana, is one forth as much as the weight of the
8640 weight and the weight of the rope. The monkey's mother is half as old as
8641 the monkey will be when it is three times as old as its mother was when she
8642 she was half as old as the monkey will be when when it is as old as its mother
8643 will be when she is four times as old as the monkey was when it was twice
8644 as its mother was when she was one third as old as the monkey was when it
8645 was old as is mother was when she was three times as old as the monkey was
8646 when it was one fourth as old as it is now. How long is the banana?
8648 A rose is a rose is a rose. Just ask Jean Marsh, known to millions of
8649 PBS viewers in the '70s as Rose, the maid on the BBC export "Upstairs,
8650 Downstairs." Though Marsh has since gone on to other projects, ... it's
8651 with Rose she's forever identified. So much so that she even likes to
8652 joke about having one named after her, a distinction not without its
8653 drawbacks. "I was very flattered when I heard about it, but when I looked
8654 up the official description, it said, `Jean Marsh: pale peach, not very
8655 good in beds; better up against a wall.' I want to tell you that's not
8656 true. I'm very good in beds as well."
8658 A sad spectacle. If they be inhabited, what a scope for misery and folly.
8659 If they be not inhabited, what a waste of space.
8660 -- Thomas Carlyle, looking at the stars
8662 A sadist is a masochist who follows the Golden Rule.
8664 A salamander scurries into flame to be destroyed.
8665 Imaginary creatures are trapped in birth on celluloid.
8666 -- Genesis, "The Lamb Lies Down on Broadway"
8668 I don't know what it's about. I'm just the drummer. Ask Peter.
8669 -- Phil Collins in 1975, when asked about the message behind
8670 the previous year's Genesis release, "The Lamb Lies Down
8673 A Scholar asked his Master, "Master, would you advise me of a proper
8675 The Master replied, "Some men can earn their keep with the power of
8676 their minds. Others must use their strong backs, legs and hands. This is
8677 the same in nature as it is with man. Some animals acquire their food easily,
8678 such as rabbits, hogs and goats. Other animals must fiercely struggle for
8679 their sustenance, like beavers, moles and ants. So you see, the nature of
8680 the vocation must fit the individual.
8681 "But I have no abilities, desires, or imagination, Master," the
8683 Queried the Master... "Have you thought of becoming a salesperson?"
8685 A scientific truth does not triumph by convincing its opponents and
8686 making them see the light, but rather because its opponents eventually
8687 die and a new generation grows up that is familiar with it.
8690 A sect or party is an elegant incognito devised to save a man from
8691 the vexation of thinking.
8692 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson, Journals, 1831
8694 A sense of desolation and uncertainty, of futility, of the baselessness
8695 of aspirations, of the vanity of endeavor, and a thirst for a life giving
8696 water which seems suddenly to have failed, are the signs in consciousness
8697 of this necessary reorganization of our lives.
8699 It is difficult to believe that this state of mind can be produced by the
8700 recognition of such facts as that unsupported stones always fall to the
8702 -- J. W. N. Sullivan
8704 A sense of humor keen enough to show a man his own absurdities will
8705 keep him from the commission of all sins, or nearly all, save those
8706 that are worth committing.
8709 A sequel is an admission that you've been reduced to imitating yourself.
8712 A sharper perspective on this matter is particularly important to feminist
8713 thought today, because a major tendency in feminism has constructed the
8714 problem of domination as a drama of female vulnerability victimized by male
8715 aggression. Even the more sophisticated feminist thinkers frequently shy
8716 away from the analysis of submission, for fear that in admitting woman's
8717 participation in the relationship of domination, the onus of responsibility
8718 will appear to shift from men to women, and the moral victory from women to
8719 men. More generally, this has been a weakness of radical politics: to
8720 idealize the oppressed, as if their politics and culture were untouched by
8721 the system of domination, as if people did not participate in their own
8722 submission. To reduce domination to a simple relation of doer and done-to
8723 is to substitute moral outrage for analysis.
8724 -- Jessica Benjamin, "The Bonds of Love"
8726 A shortcut is the longest distance between two points.
8728 A sine curve goes off to infinity, or at least the end of the blackboard.
8731 A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.
8734 A single flow'r he sent me, since we met.
8735 All tenderly his messenger he chose;
8736 Deep-hearted, pure, with scented dew still wet--
8739 I knew the language of the floweret;
8740 "My fragile leaves," it said, "his heart enclose."
8741 Love long has taken for his amulet
8744 Why is it no one ever sent me yet
8745 One perfect limousine, do you suppose?
8746 Ah no, it's always just my luck to get
8748 -- Dorothy Parker, "One Perfect Rose"
8750 A sinking ship gathers no moss.
8753 A small town that cannot support one lawyer can always support two.
8755 A Smith & Wesson beats four aces.
8757 A snake lurks in the grass.
8758 -- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil)
8760 A social scientist, studying the culture and traditions of a small North
8761 African tribe, found a woman still practicing the ancient art of matchmaking.
8762 Locally, she was known as the Moor, the marrier.
8764 A society in which women are taught anything but the management of a family,
8765 the care of men, and the creation of the future generation is a society
8766 which is on its way out.
8769 A soft answer turneth away wrath; but grievous words stir up anger.
8772 A soft drink turneth away company.
8774 A solemn, unsmiling, sanctimonious old iceberg
8775 that looked like he was waiting for a vacancy in the Trinity.
8778 A song in time is worth a dime.
8780 A Southern boy graduates from high school heads north to college, taking the
8781 family dog, Old Blue with him, for company. He's only been there a few weeks
8782 when he gets a call from his girlfriend; seems like they've got a problem,
8783 and she needs a thousand dollars to take care of it. The boy calls his folks:
8784 "How are you?" they ask.
8785 "Oh, I'm fine," he says.
8786 "And how," they ask, "is Old Blue?"
8787 "Well, he's kind of depressed. You see, there's this lady up here
8788 that teaches dogs to talk, and Ol' Blue is feelin' kind of left out 'cause
8789 he's the only dog that doesn't know how to talk. She charges a thousand
8791 The parents send the boy the thousand dollars, he forwards it to Mary
8792 Lou, and everything's fine until Christmas vacation. The boy leaves Ol' Blue
8793 at his dorm, 'cause he just can't figure out what to tell his parents. Sure
8794 enough, when he gets home, the first thing his father wants to know is
8796 "Well, Pa," says the boy. "I was driving on home and Old Blue was
8797 talking away about this and that when we passed the Buford's farm. Old Blue,
8798 well, he said, `Say, what do you think your mother would do if I told her
8799 that your father's been comin' over here and seeing Mrs. Buford all these
8801 The father looks at his son -- "You shot that dog, didn't you, boy?"
8803 A squeegee by any other name wouldn't sound as funny.
8805 A statesman is a politician who's been dead 10 or 15 years.
8808 A statistician, who refused to fly after reading of the alarmingly high
8809 probability that there will be a bomb on any given plane, realized that
8810 the probability of there being two bombs on any given flight is very low.
8811 Now, whenever he flies, he carries a bomb with him.
8813 A stitch in time saves nine.
8815 "...A strange enigma is man!"
8816 "Someone calls him a soul concealed in an animal," I suggested.
8817 "Winwood Reade is good upon the subject," said Holmes. "He remarked
8818 that, while the individual man is an insoluble puzzle, in the aggregate he
8819 becomes a mathematical certainty. You can, for example, never foretell what
8820 any one man will do, but you can say with precision what an average number
8821 will be up to. Individuals vary, but percentages remain constant. So says
8823 -- Sherlock Holmes, "The Sign of Four"
8825 A straw vote only shows which way the hot air blows.
8828 A strong conviction that something must be done is the parent of many
8832 A student, in hopes of understanding the Lambda-nature, came to
8833 Greenblatt. As they spoke a Multics system hacker walked by. "Is it
8834 true," asked the student, "that PL-1 has many of the same data types as
8835 Lisp?" Almost before the student had finished his question, Greenblatt
8836 shouted, "FOO!", and hit the student with a stick.
8838 A student who changes the course of history is probably taking an exam.
8840 A stunning blonde, but probably all bean dip above the eyebrows.
8842 A successful [software] tool is one that was used to do something
8843 undreamed of by its author.
8846 A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the word you first
8850 A system admin's life is a sorry one. The only advantage he has over
8851 Emergency Room doctors is that malpractice suits are rare. On the
8852 other hand, ER doctors never have to deal with patients installing
8853 new versions of their own innards!
8856 A Tale of Two Cities LITE(tm)
8857 -- by Charles Dickens
8859 A lawyer who looks like a French Nobleman is executed in his place.
8861 The Metamorphosis LITE(tm)
8864 A man turns into a bug and his family gets annoyed.
8866 Lord of the Rings LITE(tm)
8867 -- by J. R. R. Tolkien
8869 Some guys take a long vacation to throw a ring into a volcano.
8872 -- by William Shakespeare
8874 A college student on vacation with family problems, a screwy
8875 girl-friend and a mother who won't act her age.
8877 A Tale of Two Cities LITE(tm)
8878 -- by Charles Dickens
8880 A man in love with a girl who loves another man who looks just
8881 like him has his head chopped off in France because of a mean
8884 Crime and Punishment LITE(tm)
8885 -- by Fyodor Dostoyevsky
8887 A man sends a nasty letter to a pawnbroker, but later
8888 feels guilty and apologizes.
8890 The Odyssey LITE(tm)
8893 After working late, a valiant warrior gets lost on his way home.
8895 A tall, dark stranger will have more fun than you.
8897 A tautology is a thing which is tautological.
8899 A team effort is a lot of people doing what I say.
8900 -- Michael Winner, British film director
8902 A Texan, impressing the hell out of a Bostonian with tales about the heroes
8903 of the Alamo, commented, "I'll bet you never had anyone that brave around
8905 "Ever hear of Paul Revere?", snarled the Bostonian.
8906 "Paul Revere?", pondered the Texan. "Isn't he the guy who ran for
8909 A thing is not necessarily true because a man dies for it.
8910 -- Oscar Wilde, "The Portrait of Mr. W. H."
8912 A timely marriage: one made before your children start nagging you about it.
8915 A total abstainer is one who abstains from everything but abstention,
8916 and especially from inactivity in the affairs of others.
8917 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
8919 A total abstainer is one who abstains from everything
8920 but abstention, and especially from inactivity in the affairs of others.
8923 A transistor protected by a fast-acting fuse will protect the fuse by
8926 A traveling salesman was driving past a farm when he saw a pig with three
8927 wooden legs executing a magnificent series of backflips and cartwheels.
8928 Intrigued, he drove up to the farmhouse, where he found an old farmer
8929 sitting in the yard watching the pig.
8930 "That's quite a pig you have there, sir" said the salesman.
8931 "Sure is, son," the farmer replied. "Why, two years ago, my daughter
8932 was swimming in the lake and bumped her head and damned near drowned, but that
8933 pig swam out and dragged her back to shore."
8934 "Amazing!" the salesman exclaimed.
8935 "And that's not the only thing. Last fall I was cuttin' wood up on
8936 the north forty when a tree fell on me. Pinned me to the ground, it did.
8937 That pig run up and wiggled underneath that tree and lifted it off of me.
8939 "Fantastic! the salesman said. But tell me, how come the pig has
8941 The farmer stared at the newcomer in amazement. "Mister, when you
8942 got an amazin' pig like that, you don't eat him all at once."
8944 A triangle which has an angle of 135 degrees is called an obscene
8947 A true artist will let his wife starve, his children go barefoot, his mother
8948 drudge for his living at seventy, sooner than work at anything but his art.
8951 A truly great man will neither trample on a worm nor sneak to an emperor.
8952 -- Benjamin Franklin
8954 A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
8956 A truly wise woman never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
8958 A truth that's told with bad intent
8959 Beats all the lies you can invent.
8962 A university is what a college becomes
8963 when the faculty loses interest in students.
8966 A University without students is like an ointment without a fly.
8967 -- Ed Nather, professor of astronomy at UT Austin
8969 A UNIX saleslady, Lenore,
8970 Enjoys work, but she likes the beach more.
8971 She found a good way
8972 To combine work and play:
8973 She sells C shells by the seashore.
8975 A vacuum is a hell of a lot better than some of the stuff that nature
8977 -- Tennessee Williams
8979 A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on.
8982 A very intelligent turtle
8983 Found programming UNIX a hurdle
8984 The system, you see,
8985 Ran as slow as did he,
8986 And that's not saying much for the turtle.
8988 A violent man will die a violent death.
8991 A visit to a fresh place will bring strange work.
8993 A visit to a strange place will bring fresh work.
8995 A vivid and creative mind characterizes you.
8997 A waist is a terrible thing to mind.
9000 A watched clock never boils.
9002 A well adjusted person is one who makes the same mistake twice without
9005 A well-known friend is a treasure.
9007 A well-used door needs no oil on its hinges.
9008 A swift-flowing steam does no grow stagnant.
9009 Neither sound nor thoughts can travel through a vacuum.
9010 Software rots if not used.
9012 These are great mysteries.
9013 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
9015 A widow is more sought after than an old maid of the same age.
9018 A wife lasts only for the length of the marriage, but an ex-wife is there
9019 *for the rest of your life*.
9022 A wise man can see more from a mountain top
9023 than a fool can from the bottom of a well.
9025 A wise man can see more from the bottom
9026 of a well than a fool can from a mountain top.
9028 A wise person makes his own decisions, a weak one obeys public opinion.
9031 A witty saying proves nothing.
9034 A witty saying proves nothing, but saying something pointless gets
9037 A wizard cannot do everything; a fact most magicians are reticent to
9038 admit, let alone discuss with prospective clients. Still, the fact
9039 remains that there are certain objects, and people, that are, for one
9040 reason or another, completely immune to any direct magical spell. It
9041 is for this group of beings that the magician learns the subtleties of
9042 using indirect spells. It also does no harm, in dealing with these
9043 matters, to carry a large club near your person at all times.
9044 -- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Volume VIII
9046 A woman can look both moral and exciting -- if she also looks as if it
9047 were quite a struggle.
9050 A woman can never be too rich or too thin.
9052 A woman did what a woman had to, the best way she knew how.
9053 To do more was impossible, to do less, unthinkable.
9054 -- Dirisha, "The Man Who Never Missed"
9056 A woman employs sincerity only when every other form of deception has failed.
9059 A woman, especially if she have the misfortune
9060 of knowing anything, should conceal it as well as she can.
9063 A woman forgives the audacity of which
9064 her beauty has prompted us to be guilty.
9067 A woman has got to love a bad man once or twice in her life to be
9068 thankful for a good one.
9069 -- Marjorie Kinnan Rawlings
9071 A woman is like your shadow; follow her, she flies; fly from her,
9075 A woman is like your shadow; follow her,
9076 she flies; fly from her, she follows.
9079 A woman may very well form a friendship with a man, but for this to
9080 endure, it must be assisted by a little physical antipathy.
9081 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
9083 A woman of generous character will sacrifice her life a thousand times
9084 over for her lover, but will break with him for ever over a question of
9085 pride -- for the opening or the shutting of a door.
9088 A woman physician has made the statement that smoking is neither
9089 physically defective nor morally degrading, and that nicotine, even
9090 when indulged to in excess, is less harmful than excessive petting."
9091 -- Purdue Exponent, Jan 16, 1925
9093 A woman shouldn't have to buy her own perfume.
9096 A woman went into a hospital one day to give birth. Afterwards, the doctor
9097 came to her and said, "I have some... odd news for you."
9098 "Is my baby all right?" the woman anxiously asked.
9099 "Yes, he is," the doctor replied, "but we don't know how. Your son
9100 (we assume) was born with no body. He only has a head."
9101 Well, the doctor was correct. The Head was alive and well, though no
9102 one knew how. The Head turned out to be fairly normal, ignoring his lack of
9103 a body, and lived for some time as typical a life as could be expected under
9105 One day, about twenty years after the fateful birth, the woman got a
9106 phone call from another doctor. The doctor said, "I have recently perfected
9107 an operation. Your son can live a normal life now: we can graft a body onto
9109 The woman, practically weeping with joy, thanked the doctor and hung
9110 up. She ran up the stairs saying, "Johnny, Johnny, I have a *wonderful*
9112 "Oh no," cried The Head, "not another HAT!"
9114 A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.
9117 A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.
9118 Therefore, a man without a woman is like a bicycle without a fish.
9120 A woman's best protection is a little money of her own.
9121 -- Clare Booth Luce, quoted in "The Wit of Women"
9123 A woman's place is in the house... and in the Senate.
9125 A word to the wise is enough.
9126 -- Miguel de Cervantes
9128 A would-be disciple came to Nasrudin's hut on the mountain-side. Knowing
9129 that every action of such an enlightened one is significant, the seeker
9130 watched the teacher closely. "Why do you blow on your hands?" "To warm
9131 myself in the cold." Later, Nasrudin poured bowls of hot soup for himself
9132 and the newcomer, and blew on his own. "Why are you doing that, Master?"
9133 "To cool the soup." Unable to trust a man who uses the same process
9134 to arrive at two different results -- hot and cold -- the disciple departed.
9136 A writer is congenitally unable to tell the truth and that is why we call
9137 what he writes fiction.
9140 A yawn is a silent shout.
9143 A year spent in artificial intelligence is enough to make one believe
9146 A young girl once committed suicide because her mother refused her a new
9147 bonnet. Coroner's verdict: "Death from excessive spunk."
9148 -- Sacramento Daily Union, September 13, 1860
9150 A young man and his girlfriend were walking along Main Street when she spotted
9151 a beautiful diamond ring in a jewelry-store window. "Wow, I'd sure love to
9152 have that!" she gushed.
9153 "No problem," her companion replied, throwing a brick through the
9154 window and grabbing the ring.
9155 A few blocks later, the woman admired a full-length sable coat. "What
9156 I'd give to own that," she said, sighing.
9157 "No problem," he said, throwing a brick through the window and grabbing
9159 Finally, turning for home, they passed a car dealership. "Boy, I'd do
9160 anything for one of those Rolls-Royces," she said.
9161 "Jeez, baby," the guy moaned, "you think I'm made of bricks?"
9163 A young man enters the New York branch of Tiffany's on a Friday evening and
9164 walks up to a display case full of pearl necklaces. He turns to a gorgeous
9165 woman, who is obviously windowshopping, looks her straight in the eye and
9166 says, "I can tell by your eyes that you really want that necklace. If you'll
9167 allow me, I'd like to buy it for you."
9168 The woman looks him up and down; he's wearing a nice suit and some
9169 pretty nice jewelry, but she has trouble believing this story.
9170 "Look, this is some kind of put on, right?"
9171 "No, really. You see, I've got quite a lot of money -- so much that
9172 I could never spend it all. I'd really like for you to have it."
9173 The guys whips out his checkbook, writes a check for five figures,
9174 calls over a clerk and hands it to him. The clerk peers at the check, looks
9175 at the young man, looks at the check again. "Very good, sir. I'm afraid I
9176 can't release the necklace immediately, would Monday be all right?"
9177 "That'll be fine, she'll pick it up." the man replies, and walks out
9178 of the store with the woman following him in a daze.
9179 The next Monday the man comes back in and walks up to the counter.
9180 The same clerk hurries over to him and says, "Sir, I'm sorry to have to tell
9181 you this, but your check was returned for insufficient funds."
9182 "I know," the man replies. "I just wanted to thank you for a
9185 A young man wrote to Mozart and said:
9187 Q: "Herr Mozart, I am thinking of writing symphonies. Can you give me any
9188 suggestions as to how to get started?"
9189 A: "A symphony is a very complex musical form, perhaps you should begin with
9190 some simple lieder and work your way up to a symphony."
9191 Q: "But Herr Mozart, you were writing symphonies when you were 8 years old."
9192 A: "But I never asked anybody how."
9195 An organization for drunks who drive
9197 \a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\aAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaccccccccckkkkkk!!!!!!!!!
\a
9198 You brute! Knock before entering a ladies room!
9200 Abandon the search for Truth; settle for a good fantasy.
9202 Abbott's Admonitions:
9203 1: If you have to ask, you're not entitled to know.
9204 2: If you don't like the answer, you shouldn't have asked
9206 -- Charles Abbot, dean, University of Virginia
9208 Aberdeen was so small that when the family with the car went
9209 on vacation, the gas station and drive-in theatre had to close.
9211 Abou Ben Adhem (may his tribe increase!)
9212 Awoke one night from a deep dream of peace,
9213 And saw, within the moonlight in his room,
9214 Making it rich, and like a lily in bloom,
9215 An angel writing in a book of gold.
9216 Exceeding peace had made Ben Adhem bold,
9217 And to the presence in the room he said,
9218 "What writest thou?" The vision raised its head,
9219 And with a look made of all sweet accord,
9220 Answered, "The names of those who love the Lord."
9221 "And is mine one?" said Abou. "Nay not so,"
9222 Replied the angel. Abou spoke more low,
9223 But cheerly still; and said, "I pray thee then,
9224 Write me as one that loves his fellow-men."
9225 The angel wrote, and vanished. The next night
9226 It came again with a great wakening light,
9227 And showed the names whom love of God had blessed,
9228 And lo! Ben Adhem's name led all the rest.
9229 -- James Henry Leigh Hunt, "Abou Ben Adhem"
9231 About all some men accomplish in life is to send a son to Harvard.
9233 About the only thing on a farm that has an easy time is the dog.
9235 About the only thing we have left that actually
9236 discriminates in favor of the plain people is the stork.
9238 About the time we think we can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends.
9241 About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt
9242 ax. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead.
9243 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
9245 Above all else - sky.
9247 Above all things, reverence yourself.
9249 Abraham Lincoln didn't die in vain. He died in Washington, D.C.
9252 To be unexpectedly called away to the bedside
9253 of a dying relative and miss the return train.
9256 To be unexpectedly called away to the bedside of a dying relative
9257 and miss the return train.
9259 Absence diminishes mediocre passions and increases
9260 great ones, as the wind blows out candles and fans fires.
9263 Absence in love is like water upon fire;
9264 a little quickens, but much extinguishes it.
9267 Absence is to love what wind is to fire. It extinguishes the small,
9268 it enkindles the great.
9270 Absence makes the heart forget.
9272 Absence makes the heart go wander.
9274 Absence makes the heart grow fonder.
9277 Absence makes the heart grow fonder -- of somebody else.
9279 Absence makes the heart grow frantic.
9282 Exposed to the attacks of friends and acquaintances; defamed;
9286 A person with an income who has had the forethought to remove
9287 himself from the sphere of exaction.
9288 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
9290 Absolutum obsoletum. (If it works, it's out of date.)
9294 A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a
9296 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
9299 This study examined the incidence of neckwear tightness among a group
9300 of 94 white-collar working men and the effect of a tight business-shirt collar
9301 and tie on the visual performance of 22 male subjects. Of the white-collar
9302 men measured, 67% were found to be wearing neckwear that was tighter than
9303 their neck circumference. The visual discrimination of the 22 subjects was
9304 evaluated using a critical flicker frequency (CFF) test. Results of the CFF
9305 test indicated that tight neckwear significantly decreased the visual
9306 performance of the subjects and that visual performance did not improve
9307 immediately when tight neckwear was removed.
9308 -- Langan, L. M. and Watkins, S. M. "Pressure of Menswear on the
9309 Neck in Relation to Visual Performance." Human Factors 29,
9310 #1 (Feb. 1987), pp. 67-71.
9313 A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own
9315 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
9317 Academic politics is the most vicious and bitter form of politics,
9318 because the stakes are so low.
9321 Academics care, that's who.
9324 A modern school where football is taught.
9326 An archaic school where football is not taught.
9328 Accent on helpful side of your nature. Drain the moat.
9330 Accept people for what they are -- completely unacceptable.
9333 An unsuccessful attempt to find bugs.
9336 A condition in which presence of mind is good, but absence of
9338 -- Foolish Dictionary
9341 Colonel Gray, of Petaluma, came near losing his life a few days ago,
9342 in a singular manner. A gentleman with whom he was hunting attempted to
9343 bring down a dove, but instead of doing so put the load of shot through the
9344 Colonel's hat. One shot took effect in his forehead.
9345 -- Sacramento Daily Union, April 20, 1861
9347 Accidents cause History.
9349 If Sigismund Unbuckle had taken a walk in 1426 and met Wat Tyler, the
9350 Peasant's Revolt would never have happened and the motor car would not
9351 have been invented until 2026, which would have meant that all the oil
9352 could have been used for lamps, thus saving the electric light bulb and
9353 the whale, and nobody would have caught Moby Dick or Billy Budd.
9354 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
9356 According to a recent and unscientific national survey, smiling is something
9357 everyone should do at least 6 times a day. In an effort to increase the
9358 national average (the US ranks third among the world's superpowers in
9359 smiling), Xerox has instructed all personnel to be happy, effervescent, and
9360 most importantly, to smile. Xerox employees agree, and even feel strongly
9361 that they can not only meet but surpass the national average... except for
9362 Tubby Ackerman. But because Tubby does such a fine job of racing around
9363 parking lots with a large butterfly net retrieving floating IC chips, Xerox
9364 decided to give him a break. If you see Tubby in a parking lot he may have
9365 a sheepish grin. This is where the expression, "Service with a slightly
9366 sheepish grin" comes from.
9368 According to all the latest reports,
9369 there was no truth in any of the earlier reports.
9371 According to Arkansas law, Section 4761, Pope's Digest: "No person
9372 shall be permitted under any pretext whatever, to come nearer than
9373 fifty feet of any door or window of any polling room, from the opening
9374 of the polls until the completion of the count and the certification of
9377 According to convention there is a sweet and a bitter, a hot and a cold,
9378 and according to convention, there is an order. In truth, there are atoms
9380 -- Democritus, 400 B.C.
9382 According to Kentucky state law, every person must take a bath at least
9385 According to my best recollection, I don't remember.
9386 -- Vincent "Jimmy Blue Eyes" Alo
9388 According to the latest official figures, 43% of all statistics are
9391 According to the obituary notices, a mean and unimportant person never
9394 According to the Rand McNally Places-Rated Almanac, the best place to
9395 live in America is the city of Pittsburgh. The city of New York came
9396 in twenty-fifth. Here in New York we really don't care too much.
9397 Because we know that we could beat up their city anytime.
9401 A bagpipe with pleats.
9404 The vice of being right.
9406 Acid -- better living through chemistry.
9408 Acid absorbs 47 times its own weight in excess Reality.
9411 A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well
9413 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
9415 Acting is an art which consists of keeping the audience from coughing.
9417 Acting is not very hard. The most important things are to be able to laugh
9418 and cry. If I have to cry, I think of my sex life. And if I have to laugh,
9419 well, I think of my sex life.
9424 Boris Karloff William Henry Pratt
9425 Cary Grant Archibald Leach
9426 Edward G. Robinson Emmanual Goldenburg
9427 Gene Wilder Gerald Silberman
9428 John Wayne Marion Morrison
9429 Kirk Douglas Issur Danielovitch
9430 Richard Burton Richard Jenkins Jr.
9431 Roy Rogers Leonard Slye
9432 Woody Allen Allen Stewart Konigsberg
9434 Actor: "I'm a smash hit. Why, yesterday during the last act, I had
9435 everyone glued in their seats!"
9436 Oliver Herford: "Wonderful! Wonderful! Clever of you to think of
9439 Actor: So what do you do for a living?
9440 Doris: I work for a company that makes deceptively shallow serving
9441 dishes for Chinese restaurants.
9442 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
9444 Actors will happen even in the best-regulated families.
9446 Actresses will happen in the best regulated families.
9447 -- Addison Mizner and Oliver Herford, "The Entirely
9448 New Cynic's Calendar", 1905
9450 Actually, my goal is to have a sandwich named after me.
9452 Actually, the probability is 100% that the elevator
9453 will be going in the right direction. Proof by induction:
9455 N=1. Trivially true, since both you and the elevator
9456 only have one floor to go to.
9458 Assume true for N, prove for N+1:
9459 If you are on any of the first N floors, then it is true by the
9460 induction hypothesis. If you are on the N+1st floor, then both you
9461 and the elevator have only one choice, namely down. Therefore,
9462 it is true for all N+1 floors.
9465 Ad astra per aspera. (To the stars by aspiration.)
9468 Something you need to know the name of to be an Expert in Computing.
9469 Useful in sentences like, "We had better develop an ADA awareness."
9472 Something you need only know the name of to be an Expert in
9473 Computing. Useful in sentences like, "We had better develop an ADA
9475 -- "Datamation", January 15, 1984
9477 Adde parvum parvo manus acervus erit.
9478 [Add little to little and there will be a big pile.]
9481 Adding features does not necessarily increase
9482 functionality -- it just makes the manuals thicker.
9484 Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later.
9485 -- Frederick Brooks Jr., "The Mythical Man Month"
9487 Whenever one person is found adequate to the discharge of a duty by
9488 close application thereto, it is worse execute by two persons and
9489 scarcely done at all if three or more are employed therein.
9490 -- George Washington, 1732-1799
9492 Adding sound to movies would be like
9493 putting lipstick on the Venus de Milo.
9494 -- Mary Pickford, actress, 1925
9496 Adhere to your own act, and congratulate yourself if you have done
9497 something strange and extravagant, and broken the monotony of a
9499 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
9501 Adler's Distinction:
9502 Language is all that separates us from the lower animals,
9503 and from the bureaucrats.
9506 Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves.
9507 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
9510 The stage between puberty and adultery.
9512 "Adopted kids are such a pain -- you have to teach them how to look
9517 To venerate expectantly.
9518 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
9521 One old enough to know better.
9525 Advancement in position.
9527 Advertisements contain the only
9528 truths to be relied on in a newspaper.
9531 Advertising is a valuable economic factor because it is the cheapest
9532 way of selling goods, particularly if the goods are worthless.
9535 Advertising is the rattling of a stick inside a swill bucket.
9538 Advertising may be described as the science of arresting the human
9539 intelligence long enough to get money from it.
9542 In writing a patent-medicine advertisement, first convince the
9543 reader that he has the disease he is reading about; secondly,
9546 Advice from an old carpenter: measure twice, saw once.
9548 Advice is a dangerous gift; be cautious about giving and receiving it.
9550 Advice to young men: Be ascetic, and if you can't be ascetic,
9551 then at least be aseptic.
9553 African violet: Such worth is rare
9554 Apple blossom: Preference
9555 Bachelor's button: Celibacy
9556 Bay leaf: I change but in death
9557 Camellia: Reflected loveliness
9558 Chrysanthemum, red: I love
9559 Chrysanthemum, white: Truth
9560 Chrysanthemum, other: Slighted love
9564 Forget-me-not: True love
9566 Gardenia: Secret, untold love
9567 Honeysuckle: Bonds of love
9568 Ivy: Friendship, fidelity, marriage
9569 Jasmine: Amiability, transports of joy, sensuality
9570 Leaves (dead): Melancholy
9571 Lilac: Youthful innocence
9572 Lilly: Purity, sweetness
9573 Lilly of the valley: Return of happiness
9574 Magnolia: Dignity, perseverance
9575 * An upside-down blossom reverses the meaning.
9577 After 35 years, I have finished a comprehensive study of European
9578 comparative law. In Germany, under the law, everything is prohibited,
9579 except that which is permitted. In France, under the law, everything
9580 is permitted, except that which is prohibited. In the Soviet Union,
9581 under the law, everything is prohibited, including that which is
9582 permitted. And in Italy, under the law, everything is permitted,
9583 especially that which is prohibited.
9585 Speech to the Association of American Law Schools, 1985
9587 After a few boring years, socially meaningful rock 'n' roll died out.
9588 It was replaced by disco, which offers no guidance to any form of life
9589 more advanced than the lichen family.
9590 -- Dave Barry, "Kids Today: They Don't Know Dum Diddly
9593 After a number of decimal places, nobody gives a damn.
9595 After a while you learn the subtle difference
9596 Between holding a hand and chaining a soul,
9597 And you learn that love doesn't mean security,
9598 And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts
9599 And presents aren't promises
9600 And you begin to accept your defeats
9601 With your head up and your eyes open,
9602 With the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child,
9603 And you learn to build all your roads
9604 On today because tomorrow's ground
9605 Is too uncertain. And futures have
9606 A way of falling down in midflight,
9607 After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much.
9608 So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting
9609 For someone to bring you flowers.
9610 And you learn that you really can endure...
9611 That you really are strong,
9612 And you really do have worth
9613 And you learn and learn
9614 With every goodbye you learn.
9615 -- Veronic Shoffstall, "Comes the Dawn"
9617 After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said than done.
9619 After all, it is only the mediocre who are always at their best.
9622 After all my erstwhile dear,
9623 My no longer cherished,
9624 Need we say it was not love,
9625 Just because it perished?
9626 -- Edna St. Vincent Millay
9628 After all, what is your hosts' purpose in having a party? Surely not
9629 for you to enjoy yourself; if that were their sole purpose, they'd have
9630 simply sent champagne and women over to your place by taxi.
9633 After an instrument has been assembled,
9634 extra components will be found on the bench.
9636 After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the
9637 month than you did before.
9639 After [Benjamin] Franklin came a herd of Electrical Pioneers whose
9640 names have become part of our electrical terminology: Myron Volt, Mary
9641 Louise Amp, James Watt, Bob Transformer, etc. These pioneers conducted
9642 many important electrical experiments. For example, in 1780 Luigi
9643 Galvani discovered (this is the truth) that when he attached two
9644 different kinds of metal to the leg of a frog, an electrical current
9645 developed and the frog's leg kicked, even though it was no longer
9646 attached to the frog, which was dead anyway. Galvani's discovery led
9647 to enormous advances in the field of amphibian medicine. Today,
9648 skilled veterinary surgeons can take a frog that has been seriously
9649 injured or killed, implant pieces of metal in its muscles, and watch it
9650 hop back into the pond just like a normal frog, except for the fact
9651 that it sinks like a stone.
9652 -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"
9654 After his legs had been broken in an accident, Mr. Miller sued for damages,
9655 claiming that he was crippled and would have to spend the rest of his life
9656 in a wheelchair. Although the insurance-company doctor testified that his
9657 bones had healed properly and that he was fully capable of walking, the
9658 judge decided for the plaintiff and awarded him $500,000.
9659 When he was wheeled into the insurance office to collect his check,
9660 Miller was confronted by several executives. "You're not getting away with
9661 this, Miller," one said. "We're going to watch you day and night. If you
9662 take a single step, you'll not only repay the damages but stand trial for
9663 perjury. Here's the money. What do you intend to do with it?"
9664 "My wife and I are going to travel," Miller replied. "We'll go to
9665 Stockholm, Berlin, Rome, Athens and, finally, to a place called Lourdes --
9666 where, gentlemen, you'll see yourselves one hell of a miracle."
9668 "After I asked him what he meant, he replied that freedom consisted of
9669 the unimpeded right to get rich, to use his ability, no matter what the
9670 cost to others, to win advancement."
9673 After I run your program, let's make love like crazed weasels, OK?
9675 After living in New York, you trust nobody,
9676 but you believe everything. Just in case.
9678 ...[after the announcement of Vanguard] ... Secretary of Defense Charles
9679 Wilson (the same "Engine Charlie" who once told the Senate, "[F]or years
9680 I've thought that what was good for our country was good for General Motors,
9681 and vice versa," probably an accurate analysis) was asked whether the
9682 Russians might beat the Americans into orbit. "I wouldn't care if they
9683 did," he responded. (It was later claimed that Wilson favored the
9684 development of the automatic transmission so that he could drive with
9685 one foot in his mouth.)
9686 -- Smithsonian's Air&Space Magazine, "The Day the Rocket Died"
9688 After the game the king and the pawn go in the same box.
9691 After the ground war began, captured Iraqi soldiers said any of them caught
9692 by superiors wearing a white T-shirt would be executed because of the ease
9693 with which the shirts could be used as surrender flags. Some Iraqi soldiers
9694 carried bleach with them to make their dark shirts white.
9695 -- Chuck Shepherd, Funny Times, May 1991
9697 After the last of 16 mounting screws has been removed from an access
9698 cover, it will be discovered that the wrong access cover has been
9701 After this was written there appeared a remarkable posthumous memoir that
9702 throws some doubt on Millikan's leading role in these experiments. Harvey
9703 Fletcher (1884-1981), who was a graduate student at the University of Chicago,
9704 at Millikan's suggestion worked on the measurement of electronic charge for
9705 his doctoral thesis, and co-authored some of the early papers on this subject
9706 with Millikan. Fletcher left a manuscript with a friend with instructions
9707 that it be published after his death; the manuscript was published in
9708 Physics Today, June 1982, page 43. In it, Fletcher claims that he was the
9709 first to do the experiment with oil drops, was the first to measure charges on
9710 single droplets, and may have been the first to suggest the use of oil.
9711 According to Fletcher, he had expected to be co-authored with Millikan on
9712 the crucial first article announcing the measurement of the electronic
9713 charge, but was talked out of this by Millikan.
9714 -- Steven Weinberg, "The Discovery of Subatomic Particles"
9716 Robert Millikan is generally credited with making the first really
9717 precise measurement of the charge on an electron and was awarded the
9718 Nobel Prize in 1923.
9720 After two or three weeks of this madness, you begin to feel As One with
9721 the man who said, "No news is good news." In twenty-eight papers, only
9722 the rarest kind of luck will turn up more than two or three articles of
9723 any interest... but even then the interest items are usually buried
9724 deep around paragraph 16 on the jump (or "Cont. on ...") page...
9726 The Post will have a story about Muskie making a speech in Iowa. The
9727 Star will say the same thing, and the Journal will say nothing at all.
9728 But the Times might have enough room on the jump page to include a line
9729 or so that says something like: "When he finished his speech, Muskie
9730 burst into tears and seized his campaign manager by the side of the
9731 neck. They grappled briefly, but the struggle was kicked apart by an
9732 oriental woman who seemed to be in control."
9734 Now that's good journalism. Totally objective; very active and
9735 straight to the point.
9736 -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing '72"
9738 After years of research, scientists recently reported that there is,
9739 indeed, arroz in Spanish Harlem.
9741 After your lover has gone you will still have PEANUT BUTTER!
9744 That part of the day we spend worrying about how we wasted the
9747 Afternoon very favorable for romance. Try a single person for a
9750 Against Idleness and Mischief
9752 How doth the little busy bee How skillfully she builds her cell!
9753 Improve each shining hour, How neat she spreads the wax!
9754 And gather honey all the day And labours hard to store it well
9755 From every opening flower! With the sweet food she makes.
9757 In works of labour or of skill In books, or work, or healthful play,
9758 I would be busy too; Let my first years be passed,
9759 For Satan finds some mischief still That I may give for every day
9760 For idle hands to do. Some good account at last.
9761 -- Isaac Watts, 1674-1748
9763 Against stupidity the very gods Themselves contend in vain.
9764 -- Friedrich von Schiller, "The Maid of Orleans", III, 6
9766 Age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill.
9768 Age before beauty; and pearls before swine.
9771 Age is a tyrant who forbids,
9772 at the penalty of life, all the pleasures of youth.
9775 That period of life in which we compound for the vices that we
9776 still cherish by reviling those that we no longer have the enterprise
9781 Almost everything in life is easier to get into than out of.
9783 Agree with them now, it will save so much time.
9785 Ah, but a man's grasp should exceed his reach,
9786 Or what's a heaven for ?
9787 -- Robert Browning, "Andrea del Sarto"
9789 Ah, but the choice of dreams to live,
9792 For all dreams are not equal,
9793 some exit to nightmare
9794 most end with the dreamer
9796 But at least one must be lived ... and died.
9798 Ah, my friends, from the prison, they ask unto me,
9799 "How good, how good does it feel to be free?"
9800 And I answer them most mysteriously:
9801 "Are birds free from the chains of the sky-way?"
9804 Ah say, son, you're about as sharp as a bowlin' ball.
9806 Ah, sweet Springtime, when a young man lightly turns his fancy over!
9808 Ah, the Tsar's bazaar's bizarre beaux-arts!
9810 "Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the
9811 Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact
9812 that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately
9813 unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't seem to keep
9814 up is they're a bunch of misfits and losers."
9815 -- An analysis of Neo-Nazis, from "The Badger" comic
9817 Ahead warp factor one, Mr. Sulu.
9819 Ahhhhhh... the smell of cuprinol and mahogany. It
9820 excites me to... acts of passion... acts of... ineptitude.
9822 Aim for the moon. If you miss, you may hit a star.
9825 Ain't no right way to do a wrong thing.
9826 -- The Mad Dogtender
9828 Ain't nothin' an old man can do for me but
9829 bring me a message from a young man.
9832 "Ain't that something what happened today. One of us got traded to
9834 -- Casey Stengel, informing outfielder Bob Cerv he'd
9838 A nutritious substance supplied by
9839 a bountiful Providence for the fattening of the poor.
9842 Air Force Inertia Axiom:
9843 Consistency is always easier to defend than correctness.
9845 Air is water with holes in it.
9847 Air pollution is really making us pay through the nose.
9849 Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value.
9850 -- Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy,
9851 Ecole Superieure de Guerre
9853 Al didn't smile for forty years. You've got to admire a man like that.
9854 -- from "Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman"
9856 Alan Turing thought about criteria to settle the question of whether
9857 machines can think, a question of which we now know that it is about
9858 as relevant as the question of whether submarines can swim.
9859 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
9861 Alas, how love can trifle with itself!
9862 -- William Shakespeare, "The Two Gentlemen of Verona"
9864 Alas, I am dying beyond my means.
9865 -- Oscar Wilde, as he sipped champagne on his deathbed
9870 Albert Camus wrote that the only serious question is whether to kill yourself
9871 or not. Tom Robbins wrote that the only serious question is whether time has
9872 a beginning and an end. Camus clearly got up on the wrong side of bed, and
9873 Robbins must have forgotten to set the alarm.
9876 Albert Einstein, when asked to describe radio, replied: "You see, wire
9877 telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull his tail in New
9878 York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you understand this?
9879 And radio operates exactly the same way: you send signals here, they
9880 receive them there. The only difference is that there is no cat."
9883 Social innovations tend to the level
9884 of minimum tolerable well-being.
9886 Alcohol, hashish, prussic acid, strychnine are weak dilutions.
9887 The surest poison is time.
9888 -- Emerson, "Society and Solitude"
9890 Alcohol is the anesthesia by which we endure the operation of life.
9891 -- George Bernard Shaw
9894 (1) Giving away baby clothes and furniture is the major cause
9896 (2) Always be backlit.
9897 (3) Sit down whenever possible.
9899 Aleph-null bottles of beer on the wall,
9900 Aleph-null bottles of beer,
9901 You take one down, and pass it around,
9902 Aleph-null bottles of beer on the wall.
9904 Alex Haley was adopted!
9906 Alexander Graham Bell is alive and well in New York, and still waiting
9909 Alexander Hamilton started the U.S. Treasury with nothing - and that was
9910 the closest our country has ever been to being even.
9911 -- The Best of Will Rogers
9913 Algebraic symbols are used when you do not know what you are talking about.
9914 -- Philippe Schnoebelen
9916 Algebraic symbols are used when you don't know what you're talking about.
9918 Algol-60 surely must be regarded as the most
9919 important programming language yet developed.
9923 Trendy dance for hip programmers.
9925 Alimony and bribes will engage a large share of your wealth.
9927 Alimony is a system by which, when two people make a mistake, one of
9928 them keeps paying for it.
9931 Alimony is like buying oats for a dead horse.
9934 Alimony is the curse of the writing classes.
9937 Alimony is the high cost of leaving.
9939 Aliquid melius quam pessimum optimum non est.
9941 Alive without breath,
9943 Never thirsty, ever drinking,
9944 All in mail ever clinking.
9946 All a man needs out of life is a place to sit 'n' spit in the fire.
9948 All art is but imitation of nature.
9949 -- Lucius Annaeus Seneca
9951 All articles that coruscate with resplendence are not truly auriferous.
9953 All bad precedents began as justifiable measures.
9954 -- Gaius Julius Caesar, quoted in "The Conspiracy of
9955 Catiline", by Sallust
9957 All bridge hands are equally likely, but some are more equally likely
9961 All business is based on the mutual trust of one of the parts.
9962 -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967)
9964 All constants are variables.
9966 All diplomacy is a continuation of war by other means.
9969 All extremists should be taken out and shot.
9971 All Finagle Laws may be bypassed by learning the simple art of doing
9976 Smoke a friend today.
9978 All generalizations are false, including this one.
9981 All God's children are not beautiful. Most of God's children are, in fact,
9983 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life"
9985 All Gods were immortal.
9986 -- Stanislaw J. Lec, "Unkempt Thoughts"
9988 All great discoveries are made by mistake.
9991 All great ideas are controversial, or have been at one time.
9993 All heiresses are beautiful.
9996 All his life he has looked away... to the horizon, to the sky,
9997 to the future. Never his mind on where he was, on what he was doing.
10000 All hope abandon, ye who enter here!
10003 All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
10005 All I ask of life is a constant and exaggerated sense of my own
10008 All I can think of is a platter of organic PRUNE CRISPS being trampled
10009 by an army of swarthy, Italian LOUNGE SINGERS ...
10011 All I kin say is when you finds yo'self wanderin' in a peach orchard,
10012 ya don't go lookin' for rutabagas.
10015 All I know is what the words know, and dead things, and that
10016 makes a handsome little sum, with a beginning and a middle and
10017 an end, as in the well-built phrase and the long sonata of the dead.
10020 All I need to have a good time,
10021 Is a reefer, a woman and a bottle of wine.
10022 With those three things I don't need no sunshine,
10023 A reefer, a woman and a bottle of wine.
10025 All I want is to never grow old,
10026 I want to wash in a bathtub of gold.
10027 I want 97 kilos already rolled,
10028 I want to wash in a bathtub of gold.
10030 I want to light my cigars with 10 dollar bills,
10031 I like to have a cattle ranch in Beverly Hills.
10032 I want a bottle of Red Eye that's always filled,
10033 I like to have a cattle ranch in Beverly Hills.
10034 -- Country Joe and the Fish, "Zachariah"
10036 All I want is a warm bed and a kind word and unlimited power.
10037 -- Ashleigh Brilliant
10039 All intelligent species own cats.
10041 All is fear in love and war.
10043 All is well that ends well.
10046 All I've got left on the list of desirable vocations is heiress to the
10047 throne of any country in Western Europe and Laurie Anderson. "Be
10048 practical", was the choral reply from the dinner table. Well, Laurie
10049 Anderson is already Laurie Anderson, but I read an article in Harpers
10050 that said there were eleven countries, in the world this is I think,
10051 that have queens as sovereign rulers. That's probably my best shot.
10053 All kings is mostly rapscallions.
10056 All laws are simulations of reality.
10059 All life evolves by the differential survival of replicating entities.
10062 All men are mortal. Socrates was mortal. Therefore, all men are
10066 All men have the right to wait in line.
10068 All men know the utility of useful things;
10069 but they do not know the utility of futility.
10072 All men profess honesty as long as they can.
10073 To believe all men honest would be folly.
10074 To believe none so is something worse.
10075 -- John Quincy Adams
10077 All most men really want in life is a wife, a house, two kids and a car,
10078 a cat, no maybe a dog. Ummm, scratch one of the kids and add a dog.
10081 All most people ask of life is a constant
10082 and exaggerated sense of their own importance.
10084 All most people want is a little more than they'll ever get.
10086 All my friends and I are crazy.
10087 That's the only thing that keeps us sane.
10089 All my friends are getting married,
10090 Yes, they're all growing old,
10091 They're all staying home on the weekend,
10092 They're all doing what they're told.
10094 All my life I wanted to be someone; I guess I should have been more
10099 Parts not interchangeable with previous model.
10101 All newspaper editorial writers ever do is come down from
10102 the hills after the battle is over and shoot the wounded.
10104 All of the animals except man know that
10105 the principal business of life is to enjoy it.
10107 All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs
10108 synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to
10109 rob a department store... with a pricing gun... She said, "Give me all
10110 of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store."
10113 All of the true things I am about to tell you are shameless lies.
10114 -- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr., "The Book of Bokonon"
10116 All of us should treasure his Oriental wisdom and his preaching of a
10117 Zen-like detachment, as exemplified by his constant reminder to clerks,
10118 tellers, or others who grew excited by his presence in their banks:
10119 "Just lie down on the floor and keep calm."
10120 -- Robert Wilson, "John Dillinger Died for You"
10122 All other things being equal, a bald man cannot be elected President of
10126 All parts should go together without forcing. You must remember that the
10127 parts you are reassembling were disassembled by you. Therefore, if you
10128 can't get them together again, there must be a reason. By all means, do
10130 -- IBM maintenance manual, 1925
10132 All people are born alike -- except Republicans and Democrats.
10135 All phone calls are obscene.
10136 -- Karen Elizabeth Gordon
10138 All possibility of understanding is rooted in the ability to say no.
10141 All power corrupts, but we need electricity.
10143 All programmers are optimists. Perhaps this modern sorcery especially attracts
10144 those who believe in happy endings and fairy godmothers. Perhaps the hundreds
10145 of nitty frustrations drive away all but those who habitually focus on the end
10146 goal. Perhaps it is merely that computers are young, programmers are younger,
10147 and the young are always optimists. But however the selection process works,
10148 the result is indisputable: "This time it will surely run," or "I just found
10150 -- Frederick Brooks Jr., "The Mythical Man Month"
10152 All programmers are playwrights and all computers are lousy actors.
10154 All progress is based upon a universal innate desire on the part of
10155 every organism to live beyond its income.
10156 -- Samuel Butler, "Notebooks"
10158 All science is either physics or stamp collecting.
10159 -- Ernest Rutherford
10161 All seems condemned in the long run
10162 to approximate a state akin to Gaussian noise.
10165 All snakes who wish to remain in Ireland will please raise their right
10169 All syllogisms have three parts, therefore this is not a syllogism.
10171 All that glitters has a high refractive index.
10173 All that glitters is not gold; all that wander are not lost.
10175 All that is gold does not glitter,
10176 Not all those who wander are lost;
10177 The old that is strong does not wither,
10178 Deep roots are not reached by the frost.
10179 From the ashes a fire shall be woken,
10180 A light from the shadows shall spring;
10181 Renewed shall be blade that was broken,
10182 The crownless again shall be king.
10183 -- J. R. R. Tolkien
10185 All the big corporations depreciate their possessions, and you can,
10186 too, provided you use them for business purposes. For example, if you
10187 subscribe to the Wall Street Journal, a business-related newspaper, you
10188 can deduct the cost of your house, because, in the words of U.S.
10189 Supreme Court Chief Justice Warren Burger in a landmark 1979 tax
10190 decision: "Where else are you going to read the paper? Outside? What
10192 -- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes"
10194 All the evidence concerning the universe
10195 has not yet been collected, so there's still hope.
10197 All the lines have been written There's been Sandburg,
10198 It's sad but it's true Keats, Poe and McKuen
10199 With all the words gone, They all had their day
10200 What's a young poet to do? And knew what they're doin'
10202 But of all the words written The bird is a strange one,
10203 And all the lines read, So small and so tender
10204 There's one I like most, Its breed still unknown,
10205 And by a bird it was said! Not to mention its gender.
10207 It reminds me of days of So what is this line
10208 Both gloom and of light. Whose author's unknown
10209 It still lifts my spirits And still makes me giggle
10210 And starts the day right. Even now that I'm grown?
10212 I've read all the greats
10213 Both starving and fat,
10214 But none was as great as
10215 "I tot I taw a puddy tat."
10216 -- Etta Stallings, "An Ode To Childhood"
10218 All the men on my staff can type.
10221 All the passions make us commit faults; love makes us commit the most
10223 -- La Rochefoucauld
10225 All the really good ideas I ever had came to me while I was milking a cow.
10228 All the simple programs have been written.
10230 All the taxes paid over a lifetime by the average American are spent by
10231 the government in less than a second.
10234 All the troubles you have will pass away very quickly.
10236 All the world's a stage and most of us are desperately unrehearsed.
10239 All the world's a VAX,
10240 And all the coders merely butchers;
10241 They have their exits and their entrails;
10242 And one int in his time plays many widths,
10243 His sizeof being _
\bN bytes. At first the infant,
10244 Mewling and puking in the Regent's arms.
10245 And then the whining schoolboy, with his Sun,
10246 And shining morning face, creeping like slug
10247 Unwillingly to school.
10248 -- A Very Annoyed PDP-11
10250 All theoretical chemistry is really physics;
10251 and all theoretical chemists know it.
10252 -- Richard P. Feynman
10254 All things are possible, except for skiing through a revolving door.
10256 All things are possible, except skiing thru a revolving door.
10258 All things being equal, you are bound to lose.
10260 All things that are, are with more spirit chased than enjoyed.
10261 -- William Shakespeare, "Merchant of Venice"
10263 All this wheeling and dealing around, why, it isn't for money,
10264 it's for fun. Money's just the way we keep score.
10267 All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.
10269 All warranty and guarantee clauses
10270 become null and void upon payment of invoice.
10272 All wars are civil wars, because all men are brothers ... Each one owes
10273 infinitely more to the human race than to the particular country in
10275 -- Francois Fenelon
10277 All we know is the phenomenon: we spend our time sending messages to each
10278 other, talking and trying to listen at the same time, exchanging information.
10279 This seems to be our most urgent biological function; it is what we do with
10281 -- Lewis Thomas, "The Lives of a Cell"
10283 All who joy would win Must share it --
10284 Happiness was born a twin.
10287 All your files have been destroyed (sorry). Paul.
10289 All [zoos] actually offer to the public in return for the taxes spent
10290 upon them is a form of idle and witless amusement, compared to which a
10291 visit to a penitentiary, or even to a State legislature in session, is
10292 informing, stimulating and ennobling.
10296 When all else fails, read the instructions.
10299 In international politics, the union of two thieves who have
10300 their hands so deeply inserted in each other's pocket that they cannot
10301 separately plunder a third.
10302 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
10304 All's well that ends.
10306 Almost anything derogatory you could say
10307 about today's software design would be accurate.
10312 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
10314 Also, the Scots are said to have invented golf. Then they had
10315 to invent Scotch whiskey to take away the pain and frustration.
10317 alta, v: To change; make or become different; modify.
10318 ansa, v: A spoken or written reply, as to a question.
10319 baa, n: A place people meet to have a few drinks.
10320 Baaston, n: The capital of Massachusetts.
10321 baaba, n: One whose business is to cut or trim hair or beards.
10322 beea, n: An alcoholic beverage brewed from malt and hops, often
10324 caaa, n: An automobile.
10325 centa, n: A point around which something revolves; axis. (Or
10326 someone involved with the Knicks.)
10327 chouda, n: A thick seafood soup, often in a milk base.
10328 dada, n: Information, esp. information organized for analysis or
10330 -- Massachewsetts Unabridged Dictionary
10332 Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight
10333 Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.
10336 Although it is still a truism in industry that "no one was ever fired for
10337 buying IBM," Bill O'Neil, the chief technology officer at Drexel Burnham
10338 Lambert, says he knows for a fact that someone has been fired for just that
10339 reason. He knows it because he fired the guy.
10340 "He made a bad decision, and what it came down to was, 'Well, I
10341 bought it because I figured it was safe to buy IBM,'" Mr. O'Neil says.
10342 "I said, 'No. Wrong. Game over. Next contestant, please.'"
10343 -- The Wall Street Journal, December 6, 1989
10345 Although the moon is smaller than the earth, it is farther away.
10347 Although we modern persons tend to take our electric lights, radios,
10348 mixers, etc., for granted, hundreds of years ago people did not have
10349 any of these things, which is just as well because there was no place
10350 to plug them in. Then along came the first Electrical Pioneer,
10351 Benjamin Franklin, who flew a kite in a lighting storm and received a
10352 serious electrical shock. This proved that lighting was powered by the
10353 same force as carpets, but it also damaged Franklin's brain so severely
10354 that he started speaking only in incomprehensible maxims, such as "A
10355 penny saved is a penny earned." Eventually he had to be given a job
10356 running the post office.
10357 -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"
10359 Although written many years ago, Lady Chatterley's Lover has just been
10360 reissued by the Grove Press, and this pictorial account of the
10361 day-to-day life of an English gamekeeper is full of considerable
10362 interest to outdoor minded readers, as it contains many passages on
10363 pheasant-raising, the apprehending of poachers, ways to control vermin,
10364 and other chores and duties of the professional gamekeeper.
10365 Unfortunately, one is obliged to wade through many pages of extraneous
10366 material in order to discover and savour those sidelights on the
10367 management of a midland shooting estate, and in this reviewer's opinion
10368 the book cannot take the place of J. R. Miller's "Practical
10370 -- Ed Zern, "Field and Stream" (Nov. 1959)
10372 Always borrow money from a pessimist; he doesn't expect to be paid back.
10374 Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest.
10377 Always draw your curves, then plot your reading.
10379 Always leave room to add an explanation if it doesn't work out.
10381 Always remember that you are unique. Just like everyone else.
10383 Always run from a knife and rush a gun.
10386 Always store beer in a dark place.
10388 Always the dullness of the fool is the whetstone of the wits.
10389 -- William Shakespeare, "As You Like It"
10391 Always there remain portions of our heart
10392 into which no one is able to enter, invite them as we may.
10394 Always think of something new; this
10395 helps you forget your last rotten idea.
10398 "Always try to do things in chronological order; it's less confusing
10401 Am I ranting? I hope so. My ranting gets raves.
10403 Ambidextrous, adj.:
10404 Able to pick with equal skill a right-hand pocket or a left.
10405 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
10408 Telling the truth when you don't mean to.
10410 Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy.
10411 -- Charlie McCarthy
10414 An overmastering desire to be vilified by enemies while
10415 living and made ridiculous by friends when dead.
10418 America: born free and taxed to death.
10420 America has been discovered before, but it has always been hushed up.
10423 America, how can I write a holy litany in your silly mood?
10426 America is a melting pot. You know, where those on the bottom get burned,
10427 and the scum rises to the top.
10430 America is a stronger nation for the ACLU's uncompromising effort.
10433 The simple rights, the civil liberties from generations of struggle must not
10434 be just fine words for patriotic holidays, words we subvert on weekdays, but
10435 living, honored rules of conduct amongst us...I'm glad the American Civil
10436 Liberties Union gets indignant, and I hope this will always be so.
10437 -- Senator Adlai E. Stevenson
10439 The ACLU has stood foursquare against the recurring tides of hysteria that
10440 from time to time threaten freedoms everywhere... Indeed, it is difficult
10441 to appreciate how far our freedoms might have eroded had it not been for the
10442 Union's valiant representation in the courts of the constitutional rights
10443 of people of all persuasions, no matter how unpopular or even despised
10444 by the majority they were at the time.
10445 -- former Supreme Court Chief Justice Earl Warren
10447 America is the country where you buy a lifetime
10448 supply of aspirin for one dollar, and use it up in two weeks.
10450 America may be unique in being a country which has leapt
10451 from barbarism to decadence without touching civilization.
10454 America was discovered by Amerigo Vespucci and was named after him,
10455 until people got tired of living in a place called "Vespuccia" and
10456 changed its name to "America".
10457 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
10459 America works less, when you say "Union Yes!"
10461 American business long ago gave up on demanding that prospective
10462 employees be honest and hardworking. It has even stopped hoping for
10463 employees who are educated enough that they can tell the difference
10464 between the men's room and the women's room without having little
10465 pictures on the doors.
10466 -- Dave Barry, "Urine Trouble, Mister"
10468 American by birth; Texan by the grace of God.
10470 American cars are made shoddily...
10471 Cars made overseas are far superior.
10472 -- Sen. Barry Goldwater
10474 [Americans] are a race of convicts and ought to be thankful for anything
10475 we allow them short of hanging.
10478 America is a large friendly dog in a small room. Every time it wags its
10479 tail it knocks over a chair.
10482 Americans are people who insist on living in the present, tense.
10484 Americans' greatest fear is that America will turn out
10485 to have been a phenomenon, not a civilization.
10486 -- Shirley Hazzard, "Transit of Venus"
10488 America's best buy for a quarter is a telephone call to the right person.
10490 Amnesia used to be my favorite word, but then I forgot it.
10493 Amoeba/rabbit cross; it can multiply
10494 and divide at the same time.
10496 Among all savage beasts, none is found so harmful as woman.
10497 -- St. John Chrysostom, 304-407.
10499 Among the lucky, you are the chosen one.
10501 An acid is like a woman: a good one will eat through your pants.
10502 -- Mel Gibson, Saturday Night Live
10504 An actor's a guy who if you ain't talkin' about him, ain't listening.
10507 An Ada exception is when a routine gets
10508 in trouble and says "Beam me up, Scotty".
10510 An adequate bootstrap is a contradiction in terms.
10512 An age is called Dark not because the light fails to shine, but because
10513 people refuse to see it.
10514 -- James Michener, "Space"
10516 An Aggie farmer was lifting his hogs, one by one, up to the branches of
10517 his apple trees to graze on the apples. A Texas student walked by and
10518 asked him, "Doesn't that take a lot of time?"
10519 Replied the Aggie, "What's time to a hog?"
10521 An alcoholic is someone you don't like who drinks as much as you do.
10524 An algorithm must be seen to be believed.
10527 An ambassador is an honest man sent abroad
10528 to lie and intrigue for the benefit of his country.
10529 -- Sir Henry Wotton, 1568-1639
10531 An amendment to a motion may be amended, but an amendment to an amendment
10532 to a motion may not be amended. However, a substitute for an amendment to
10533 and amendment to a motion may be adopted and the substitute may be amended.
10534 -- The Montana legislature's contribution to the English
10537 An American is a man with two arms and four wheels.
10540 An American scientist once visited the offices of the great Nobel prize
10541 winning physicist, Niels Bohr, in Copenhagen. He was amazed to find that
10542 over Bohr's desk was a horseshoe, securely nailed to the wall, with the
10543 open end up in the approved manner (so it would catch the good luck and not
10544 let it spill out). The American said with a nervous laugh,
10545 "Surely you don't believe the horseshoe will bring you good luck,
10546 do you, Professor Bohr? After all, as a scientist --"
10548 "I believe no such thing, my good friend. Not at all. I am
10549 scarcely likely to believe in such foolish nonsense. However, I am told
10550 that a horseshoe will bring you good luck whether you believe in it or not."
10552 An American tourist is visiting Russia, and he's talking with a Russian
10553 about the fact that not many people in Russia own cars.
10555 American: "I can't believe you don't have cars here! How do you
10557 Russian: "We take the bus, or the subway. We have public
10558 transportation everywhere."
10559 A: "Well, how do you go on vacations?"
10560 R: "We take the train."
10561 A: "Well, what if you want to go abroad?"
10562 R: "We don't ever want go abroad."
10563 A: "Well, what if you really HAVE to go abroad?"
10564 R: "We take tanks."
10566 An American's a person who isn't afraid to criticize
10567 the president but is always polite to traffic cops.
10569 An anthropologist at Tulane has just come back from a field trip to
10570 New Guinea with reports of a tribe so primitive that they have Tide but
10571 not new Tide with lemon-fresh Borax.
10574 An aphorism is never exactly true;
10575 it is either a half-truth or one-and-a-half truths.
10578 An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile -- hoping that it will eat
10580 -- Sir Winston Churchill, 1954
10582 An apple a day makes 365 apples a year.
10584 An apple every eight hours will keep three doctors away.
10586 An artist should be fit for the best society and keep out of it.
10588 An atheist is a man with no invisible means of support.
10590 An atom-blaster is a good weapon, but it can point both ways.
10593 An attachment a la Plato
10594 for a bashful young potato
10595 or a, not too French, french bean
10596 must excite your languid spleen.
10597 For, if you walk down Picadilly
10598 with a poppy or lily
10599 in your medieval hand,
10600 every one will say,
10601 as you walk your flowery way;
10602 "If this young man is content,
10603 with a vegetable love
10604 which would certainly not content me.
10605 Why, what a very pure young man
10606 this pure young man must be!"
10607 -- W. S. Gilbert, "Patience"
10608 [The subject of the humour is, of course, Oscar Wilde]
10610 An attorney was defending his client against a charge of first-degree
10611 murder. "Your Honor, my client is accused of stuffing his lover's
10612 mutilated body into a suitcase and heading for the Mexican border.
10613 Just north of Tijuana a cop spotted her hand sticking out of the
10614 suitcase. Now, I would like to stress that my client is *not* a
10615 murderer. A sloppy packer, maybe..."
10617 An authority is a person who can tell you more about something than you
10618 really care to know.
10620 An avocado-tone refrigerator would look good on your resume.
10622 An economist is a man who would marry
10623 Farrah Fawcett-Majors for her money.
10625 An editor is one who separates the wheat from the chaff and prints the chaff.
10628 An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.
10630 An efficient and a successful administration manifests
10631 itself equally in small as in great matters.
10632 -- Winston Churchill
10634 An egghead is one who stands firmly on both feet,
10635 in mid-air, on both sides of an issue.
10638 An elderly couple were flying to their Caribbean hideaway on a chartered plane
10639 when a terrible storm forced them to land on an uninhabited island. When
10640 several days passed without rescue, the couple and their pilot sank into a
10641 despondent silence. Finally, the woman asked her husband if he had made his
10642 usual pledge to the United Way Campaign.
10643 "We're running out of food and water and you ask *that*?" her husband
10644 barked. "If you really need to know, I not only pledged a half million but
10645 I've already paid them half of it."
10646 "You owe the U.W.C. a *quarter million*?" the woman exclaimed
10647 euphorically. "Don't worry, Harry, they'll find us! They'll find us!"
10649 An elephant is a mouse with an operating system.
10651 An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician find themselves in an
10652 anecdote, indeed an anecdote quite similar to many that you have no doubt
10653 already heard. After some observations and rough calculations the
10654 engineer realizes the situation and starts laughing. A few minutes later
10655 the physicist understands too and chuckles to himself happily as he now
10656 has enough experimental evidence to publish a paper. This leaves the
10657 mathematician somewhat perplexed, as he had observed right away that he
10658 was the subject of an anecdote, and deduced quite rapidly the presence of
10659 humour from similar anecdotes, but considers this anecdote to be too
10660 trivial a corollary to be significant, let alone funny.
10662 An engineer is someone who does list processing in FORTRAN.
10664 An English judge, growing weary of the barrister's long-winded
10665 summation, leaned over the bench and remarked, "I've heard your
10666 arguments, Sir Geoffrey, and I'm none the wiser!" Sir Geoffrey
10667 responded, "That may be, Milord, but at least you're better informed!"
10669 An Englishman never enjoys himself, except for a noble purpose.
10672 An evil mind is a great comfort.
10674 An excellence-oriented '80s male does not wear a regular watch. He
10675 wears a Rolex watch, because it weighs nearly six pounds and is
10676 advertised only in excellence-oriented publications such as Fortune and
10677 Rich Protestant Golfer Magazine. The advertisements are written in
10678 incomplete sentences, which is how advertising copywriters denote
10681 "The Rolex Hyperion. An elegant new standard in quality excellence and
10682 discriminating handcraftsmanship. For the individual who is truly able
10683 to discriminate with regard to excellent quality standards of crafting
10684 things by hand. Fabricated of 100 percent 24-karat gold. No watch
10685 parts or anything. Just a great big chunk on your wrist. Truly a
10686 timeless statement. For the individual who is very secure. Who
10687 doesn't need to be reminded all the time that he is very successful.
10688 Much more successful than the people who laughed at him in high
10689 school. Because of his acne. People who are probably nowhere near as
10690 successful as he is now. Maybe he'll go to his 20th reunion, and
10691 they'll see his Rolex Hyperion. Hahahahahahahahaha."
10692 -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence"
10694 An exotic journey in downtown Newark is in your future.
10696 ...an experienced, industrious, ambitious, and quite often
10700 An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made, in a
10704 An expert is a person who avoids the small errors
10705 as he sweeps on to the grand fallacy.
10706 -- Benjamin Stolberg
10708 An expert is one who knows more and more about less
10709 and less until he knows absolutely nothing about everything.
10711 An eye in a blue face
10712 Saw an eye in a green face.
10713 "That eye is like this eye"
10714 Said the first eye,
10716 Not in high place."
10718 An Hacker there was, one of the finest sort
10719 Who controlled the system; graphics was his sport.
10720 A manly man, to be a wizard able;
10721 Many a protected file he had sitting on his table.
10722 His console, when he typed, a man might hear
10723 Clicking and feeping wind as clear,
10724 Aye, and as loud as does the machine room bell
10725 Where my lord Hacker was Prior of the cell.
10726 The Rule of good St Savage or St Doeppnor
10727 As old and strict he tended to ignore;
10728 He let go by the things of yesterday
10729 And took the modern world's more spacious way.
10730 He did not rate that text as a plucked hen
10731 Which says that Hackers are not holy men.
10732 And that a hacker underworked is a mere
10733 Fish out of water, flapping on the pier.
10734 That is to say, a hacker out of his cloister.
10735 That was a text he held not worth an oyster.
10736 And I agreed and said his views were sound;
10737 Was he to study till his head wend round
10738 Poring over books in the cloisters? Must he toil
10739 As Andy bade and till the very soil?
10740 Was he to leave the world upon the shelf?
10741 Let Andy have his labor to himself!
10743 [well, almost. Ed.]
10745 An honest politician is one who when he is bought will stay bought.
10748 There are honest journalists like there are honest politicians. When
10749 bought they stay bought.
10752 An honest tale speeds best being plainly told.
10753 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
10755 An idea is an eye given by God for the seeing of God. Some of these
10756 eyes we cannot bear to look out of, we blind them as quickly as
10758 -- Russell Hoban, "Pilgermann"
10760 An idea is not responsible for the people who believe in it.
10762 An idealist is one who helps the other fellow to make a profit.
10765 An idle mind is worth two in the bush.
10767 An infallible method of conciliating a tiger
10768 is to allow oneself to be devoured.
10771 An intellectual is someone whose mind watches itself.
10774 An interpretation I satisfies a sentence in the table language if and only if
10775 each entry in the table designates the value of the function designated by the
10776 function constant in the upper-left corner applied to the objects designated
10777 by the corresponding row and column labels.
10778 -- Genesereth & Nilsson, "Logical foundations of Artificial
10781 An investment in knowledge always pays the best interest.
10782 -- Benjamin Franklin
10784 An old man is lying on his deathbed with all his children, grandchildren and
10785 great-grandchildren gathered around, teary-eyed at the approaching finale of
10786 a deeply loved family member. The old man is in a light coma, and the doctors
10787 have confirmed that the waiting will be over within the next twenty-four
10788 hours. Suddenly, the old man opens his eyes whispers: "I must be dreaming
10789 of heaven... I smell my daughter Lisle's strudel."
10790 "No, no, grandfather, you are not dreaming", he is reassured.
10791 "Grandmother is baking strudel right now."
10792 A faint smile crosses the old man's face. "Go an get me a sliver of
10793 strudel," he says, "she bakes the finest strudel in the world."
10794 One of the grandchildren is immediately dispatched to honor the old
10795 man's request, and, after what seems a long time, he returns empty-handed.
10796 "Did you bring me some of Lisle's strudel?", the old man quavers.
10797 "I'm... I'm very sorry, grandfather, but she says it's for the
10800 An optimist is a guy that has never had much experience.
10803 An optimist is a man who looks forward to marriage.
10804 A pessimist is a married optimist.
10806 An ounce of clear truth is worth a pound of obfuscation.
10808 An ounce of hypocrisy is worth a pound of ambition.
10811 An ounce of mother is worth a ton of priest.
10814 An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of purge.
10816 Anarchy may not be a better form of government,
10817 but it's better than no government at all.
10819 Anarchy may not be the best form of government,
10820 but it's better than no government at all.
10822 And all that the Lorax left here in this mess
10823 was a small pile of rocks with the one word, "unless."
10824 Whatever THAT meant, well, I just couldn't guess.
10825 That was long, long ago, and each day since that day,
10826 I've worried and worried and worried away.
10827 Through the years as my buildings have fallen apart,
10828 I've worried about it with all of my heart.
10830 "BUT," says the Oncler, "now that you're here,
10831 the word of the Lorax seems perfectly clear!
10832 UNLESS someone like you cares a whole awful lot,
10833 nothing is going to get better - it's not.
10834 So... CATCH!" cries the Oncler. He lets something fall.
10835 "It's a truffula seed. It's the last one of all!
10837 "You're in charge of the last of the truffula seeds.
10838 And truffula trees are what everyone needs.
10839 Plant a new truffula -- treat it with care.
10840 Give it clean water and feed it fresh air.
10841 Grow a forest -- protect it from axes that hack.
10842 Then the Lorax and all of his friends may come back!"
10844 And as we stand on the edge of darkness
10845 Let our chant fill the void
10846 That others may know
10848 In the land of the night
10849 The ship of the sun
10852 -- Tibetan "Book of the Dead," ca. 4000 BC.
10854 And did those feet, in ancient times,
10855 Walk upon England's mountains green?
10856 And was the Holy Lamb of God
10857 In England's pleasant pastures seen?
10858 And did the Countenance Divine
10859 Shine forth upon these crowded hills?
10860 And was Jerusalem builded here
10861 Among these dark satanic mills?
10863 Bring me my bow of burning gold!
10864 Bring me my arrows of desire!
10865 Bring me my spears! O clouds unfold!
10866 Bring me my chariot of fire!
10867 I shall not cease from mental fight,
10868 Nor shall my sword rest in my hand,
10869 Till we have built Jerusalem
10870 In England's green and pleasant land.
10871 -- William Blake, "Jerusalem"
10873 And do you think (fop that I am) that I could be the Scarlet Pumpernickel?
10875 And ever has it been known that
10876 love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation.
10879 And he climbed with the lad up the Eiffelberg Tower. "This," cried the Mayor,
10880 "is your town's darkest hour! The time for all Whos who have blood that is red
10881 to come to the aid of their country!" he said. "We've GOT to make noises in
10882 greater amounts! So, open your mouth, lad! For every voice counts!" Thus he
10883 spoke as he climbed. When they got to the top, the lad cleared his throat and
10884 he shouted out, "YOPP!"
10885 And that Yopp... That one last small, extra Yopp put it over!
10886 Finally, at last! From the speck on that clover their voices were heard!
10887 They rang out clear and clean. And they elephant smiled. "Do you see what
10888 I mean?" They've proved they ARE persons, no matter how small. And their
10889 whole world was saved by the smallest of All!"
10890 "How true! Yes, how true," said the big kangaroo. "And, from now
10891 on, you know what I'm planning to do? From now on, I'm going to protect
10892 them with you!" And the young kangaroo in her pouch said, "ME TOO! From
10893 the sun in the summer. From rain when it's fall-ish, I'm going to protect
10894 them. No matter how small-ish!"
10895 -- Dr. Seuss "Horton Hears a Who"
10897 And here I wait so patiently
10898 Waiting to find out what price
10899 You have to pay to get out of
10900 Going thru all of these things twice
10901 -- Dylan, "Memphis Blues Again"
10903 And I alone am returned to wag the tail.
10905 And I heard Jeff exclaim, as they strolled out of sight,
10906 "Merry Christmas to all -- you take credit cards, right?"
10908 And I heard Jeff exclaim,
10909 As they strolled out of sight,
10910 "Merry Christmas to all --
10911 You take credit cards, right?"
10912 -- "Outsiders" comic
10914 And I suppose the little things are harder to get used to than the big
10915 ones. The big ones you get used to, you make up your mind to them. The
10916 little things come along unexpectedly, when you aren't thinking about
10917 them, aren't braced against them.
10918 -- Marion Zimmer Bradley, "The Forbidden Tower"
10920 And I will do all these good works, and I will do them for free!
10921 My only reward will be a tombstone that says "Here lies Gomez
10922 Addams -- he was good for nothing."
10923 -- Jack Sharkey, The Addams Family
10925 And if California slides into the ocean,
10926 Like the mystics and statistics say it will.
10927 I predict this motel will be standing,
10928 Until I've paid my bill.
10929 -- Warren Zevon, "Desperados Under the Eaves"
10931 And if sometime, somewhere, someone asketh thee,
10932 "Who kilt thee?", tell them it 'twas the Doones of Bagworthy!
10936 As I am heading for the sink.
10937 I am spitting out all the bitterness,
10938 Along with half of my last drink.
10940 And in the heartbreak years that lie ahead,
10941 Be true to yourself and the Grateful Dead.
10944 And it should be the law: If you use the word `paradigm' without knowing
10945 what the dictionary says it means, you go to jail. No exceptions.
10948 And miles to go before I sleep.
10950 And now for something completely the same.
10952 And now your toner's toney, Disk blocks aplenty
10953 And your paper near pure white, Await your laser drawn lines,
10954 The smudges on your soul are gone Your intricate fonts,
10955 And your output's clean as light.. Your pictures and signs.
10957 We've labored with your father, Your amputative absence
10958 The venerable XGP, Has made the Ten dumb,
10959 But his slow artistic hand, Without you, Dover,
10960 Lacks your clean velocity. We're system untounged-
10962 Theses and papers DRAW Plots and TEXage
10963 And code in a queue Have been biding their time,
10964 Dover, oh Dover, With LISP code and programs,
10965 We've been waiting for you. And this crufty rhyme.
10967 Dover, oh Dover, Dover, oh Dover, arisen from dead.
10968 We welcome you back, Dover, oh Dover, awoken from bed.
10969 Though still you may jam, Dover, oh Dover, welcome back to the Lab.
10970 You're on the right track. Dover, oh Dover, we've missed your clean
10973 And on the eighth day, we bulldozed it.
10975 And on the seventh day, He exited from append mode.
10977 ...and report cards I was always afraid to show
10978 Mama'd come to school
10979 and as I'd sit there softly cryin'
10980 Teacher'd say he's just not tryin'
10981 Got a good head if he'd apply it
10982 but you know yourself
10983 it's always somewhere else
10984 I'd build me a castle
10985 with dragons and kings
10986 and I'd ride off with them
10987 As I stood by my window
10988 and looked out on those
10990 -- Neil Diamond, "Brooklyn Roads"
10992 And so it was, later,
10993 As the miller told his tale,
10994 That her face, at first just ghostly,
10995 Turned a whiter shade of pale.
10998 And so, men, we can see that human skin is an even more complex and
10999 fascinating organ than we thought it was, and if we want to keep it
11000 looking good, we have to care for it as though it were our own. One
11001 approach is to undergo a painful surgical procedure wherein your skin
11002 is turned inside-out, so the young cells are on the outside, but then
11003 of course you have the unpleasant side effect that your insides
11004 gradually fill up with dead old cells and you explode. So this
11005 procedure is pretty much limited to top Hollywood stars for whom
11006 youthful beauty is a career necessity, such as Elizabeth Taylor and
11008 -- Dave Barry, "Saving Face"
11010 And that's the way it is...
11013 And the crowd was stilled. One elderly man, wondering at the sudden silence,
11014 turned to the Child and asked him to repeat what he had said. Wide-eyed,
11015 the Child raised his voice and said once again, "Why, the Emperor has no
11016 clothes! He is naked!"
11017 -- "The Emperor's New Clothes"
11019 And the French medical anatomist Etienne Serres really did argue that
11020 black males are primitive because the distance between their navel and
11021 penis remains small (relative to body height) throughout life, while
11022 white children begin with a small separation but increase it during
11023 growth -- the rising belly button as a mark of progress.
11024 -- S. J. Gould, "Racism and Recapitulation"
11026 "...and the fully armed nuclear warheads, are, of course, merely a
11029 And the silence came surging softly backwards
11030 When the plunging hooves were gone...
11031 -- Walter de La Mare, "The Listeners"
11033 And they shall beat their swords into plowshares, for if you hit a man
11034 with a plowshare, he's going to know he's been hit.
11036 And this is a table ma'am. What in essence it consists of is a
11037 horizontal rectilinear plane surface maintained by four vertical
11038 columnar supports, which we call legs. The tables in this laboratory,
11039 ma'am, are as advanced in design as one will find anywhere in the
11041 -- Michael Frayn, "The Tin Men"
11043 And this is good old Boston,
11044 The home of the bean and the cod,
11045 Where the Lowells talk only to Cabots,
11046 And the Cabots talk only to God.
11048 And tomorrow will be like today, only more so.
11049 -- Isaiah 56:12, New Standard Version
11051 And we heard him exclaim
11052 As he started to roam:
11053 "I'm a hologram, kids,
11054 please don't try this at home!'"
11057 And what accomplished villains these old engineers were! What diabolical
11058 ways to sabotage they found! Nikolai Karlovich von Meck, of the People's
11059 Commissariat of Railroads ... would hold forth for hours on end about the
11060 economic problems involved in the construction of socialism, and he loved to
11061 give advice. One such pernicious piece of advice was to increase the size
11062 of freight trains and not worry about heavier than average loads. The GPU
11063 exposed van Meck, and he was shot: his objective had been to wear out rails
11064 and roadbeds, freight cars and locomotives, so as to leave the Republic
11065 without railroads in case of foreign military intervention! When, not long
11066 afterward, the new People's Commissar of Railroads ordered that average
11067 loads should be increased, and even doubled and tripled them, the malicious
11068 engineers who protested became known as limiters ... they were rightly
11069 shot for their lack of faith in the possibilities of socialist transport.
11070 -- Aleksandr I. Solzhenitsyn, "The Gulag Archipelago"
11072 And... What in the world ever became of Sweet Jane?
11073 She's lost her sparkle, you see she isn't the same.
11074 Livin' on reds, vitamin C, and cocaine
11075 All a friend can say is "Ain't it a shame?"
11076 -- The Grateful Dead
11078 And yet I should have dearly liked, I own, to have touched her lips; to
11079 have questioned her, that she might have opened them; to have looked upon
11080 the lashes of her downcast eyes, and never raised a blush; to have let
11081 loose waves of hair, an inch of which would be a keepsake beyond price:
11082 in short, I should have liked, I do confess, to have had the lightest
11083 license of a child, and yet been man enough to know its value.
11086 And yet, seasons must be taken with a grain of salt, for they too have
11087 a sense of humor, as does history. Corn stalks comedy, comedy stalks
11088 tragedy, and this too is historic. And yet, still, when corn meets
11089 tragedy face to face, we have politics.
11090 -- Dalglish, Larsen and Sutherland,
11091 "Root Crops and Ground Cover"
11093 And you can't get any Watney's Red Barrel,
11094 because the bars close every time you're thirsty...
11096 "And, you know, I mustn't preach to you, but surely it wouldn't be right for
11097 you to take away people's pleasure of studying your attire, by just going
11098 and making yourself like everybody else. You feel that, don't you?" said
11100 -- William Morris, "Notes from Nowhere"
11102 Andrea: Unhappy the land that has no heroes.
11103 Galileo: No, unhappy the land that _____
\b\b\b\b\bneeds heroes.
11104 -- Bertolt Brecht, "Life of Galileo"
11106 Andrea's Admonition:
11107 Never bestow profanity upon a driver who has wronged you.
11108 If you think his window is closed and he can't hear you,
11109 it isn't and he can.
11114 Angels we have heard on High
11115 Tell us to go out and Buy.
11118 Anger is momentary madness.
11121 Anger kills as surely as the other vices.
11123 Animals can be driven crazy by putting too many in too small a pen.
11124 Homo sapiens is the only animal that voluntarily does this to himself.
11127 Ankh if you love Isis.
11129 Announcing the NEW VAX 11/782!!
11131 Be the envy of other major Communist Governments!
11133 Defend yourself against the entire ICBM force of the imperialist USA with
11134 just one of the processors, at the same time you're designing missile IC's,
11135 cracking secret NATO codes and editing propaganda for your own people all
11136 at the same time with the other! (Well, you really can't, but the Americans
11137 think you can, and that's the point, right?)
11140 To grease a king or other great functionary already
11141 sufficiently slippery.
11142 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
11144 Another day, another dollar.
11145 -- Vincent J. Fuller, defense lawyer for John Hinckley,
11146 upon Hinckley's acquittal for shooting President Ronald
11149 Another good night not to sleep in a eucalyptus tree.
11151 Another megabytes the dust.
11153 Another possible source of guidance for teenagers is television, but
11154 television's message has always been that the need for truth, wisdom
11155 and world peace pales by comparison with the need for a toothpaste that
11156 offers whiter teeth *___
\b\b\band* fresher breath.
11157 -- Dave Barry, "Kids Today: They Don't Know Dum Diddly
11160 Another such victory over the Romans, and we are undone.
11163 Answer a fool according to his folly, lest he be wise in his own conceit.
11166 Anthony's Law of Force:
11167 Don't force it; get a larger hammer.
11169 Anthony's Law of the Workshop:
11170 Any tool when dropped, will roll into the least accessible
11171 corner of the workshop.
11174 On the way to the corner, any dropped tool will first strike
11177 Antique fairy tale: Little Red Riding Hood.
11178 Modern fairy tale: Oswald, acting alone, shot Kennedy.
11180 Anti-trust laws should be approached with exactly that attitude.
11183 Was tired of living alonio
11184 He thought he would woo Antonio Antonio
11185 Miss Lucamy Lu, Rode of on his polo ponio
11186 Miss Lucamy Lucy Molonio. And found the maid
11188 Sitting and knitting alonio.
11190 Said if you will be my ownio
11191 I'll love tou true Oh nonio Antonio
11192 And buy for you You're far too bleak and bonio
11193 An icery creamry conio. And all that I wish
11195 Is that you will quickly begonio.
11197 Uttered a dismal moanio
11198 And went off and hid
11199 Or I'm told that he did
11200 In the Antartical Zonio.
11203 The opposite of the word you're trying to think of.
11205 Anxious after the delay, Gruber doesn't waste any time getting the Koenig
11206 [a modified Porsche] up to speed, and almost immediately we are blowing off
11207 Alfas, Fiats, and Lancias full of excited Italians. These people love fast
11208 cars. But they love sport too and no passing encounter goes unchallenged.
11209 Nothing serious, just two wheels into your lane as you're bearing down on
11210 them at 130-plus -- to see if you're paying attention.
11211 -- Road & Track article about driving two absurdly fast
11212 cars across Europe.
11214 Any circuit design must contain at least one part which is obsolete, two parts
11215 which are unobtainable, and three parts which are still under development.
11217 Any clod can have the facts, but having opinions is an art.
11220 Any coward can sit in his home and criticize a pilot for flying into a
11221 mountain in a fog. But I would rather, by far, die on a mountainside
11222 than in bed. What kind of man would live where there is no daring?
11223 And is life so dear that we should blame men for dying in adventure?
11224 Is there a better way to die?
11225 -- Charles Lindbergh
11227 Any dramatic series the producers want us to take seriously as a
11228 representation of contemporary reality cannot be taken seriously as a
11229 representation of anything -- except a show to be ignored by anyone
11230 capable of sitting upright in a chair and chewing gum simultaneously.
11231 -- Richard Schickel
11233 Any excuse will serve a tyrant.
11236 Any father who thinks he's all important should remind himself that
11237 this country honors fathers only one day a year while pickles get a
11240 Any fool can paint a picture, but it takes a wise person to be able to
11243 Any fool can tell the truth, but it requires a man of sense to know
11247 Any girl can be glamorous; all you have to do is stand still and look
11251 Any given program, when running, is obsolete.
11253 Any given program will expand to fill available memory.
11255 Any great truth can -- and eventually will -- be expressed as a cliche
11256 -- a cliche is a sure and certain way to dilute an idea. For instance,
11257 my grandmother used to say, "The black cat is always the last one off
11258 the fence." I have no idea what she meant, but at one time, it was
11262 Any instrument when dropped will roll into the least accessible corner.
11264 Any man can work when every stroke of his hand brings down the fruit
11265 rattling from the tree to the ground; but to labor in season and out
11266 of season, under every discouragement, by the power of truth -- that
11267 requires a heroism which is transcendent.
11268 -- Henry Ward Beecher
11270 Any man who hates dogs and babies can't be all bad.
11271 -- Leo Rosten, on W. C. Fields
11273 Any member introducing a dog into the Society's premises shall be
11274 liable to a fine of one pound. Any animal leading a blind person shall
11275 be deemed to be a cat.
11276 -- Rule 46, Oxford Union Society, London
11278 "Any news from the President on a successor?" he asked hopefully.
11279 "None," Anita replied. "She's having great difficulty finding someone
11280 qualified who is willing to accept the post."
11281 "Then I stay," said Dr. Fresh. "I'm not good for much, but I
11282 can at least make a decision."
11283 "Somewhere," he grumphed, "there must be a naive, opportunistic
11284 young whelp with a masochistic streak who would like to run the most
11285 up-and-down bureaucracy in the history of mankind."
11286 -- R. L. Forward, "Flight of the Dragonfly"
11288 Any philosophy that can be put in a nutshell belongs there.
11289 -- Sydney J. Harris
11291 Any president should have the right to shoot
11292 at least two people a year without explanation.
11293 -- Herbert Hoover, discussing the press
11295 Any priest or shaman must be presumed guilty until proved innocent.
11298 Any program which runs right is obsolete.
11300 Any programming language is at its best before it is implemented and used.
11302 Any road followed to its end leads precisely nowhere.
11303 Climb the mountain just a little to test it's a mountain.
11304 From the top of the mountain, you cannot see the mountain.
11305 -- Bene Gesserit proverb, "Dune"
11307 Any small object that is accidentally dropped will hide under a larger
11310 Any stone in your boot always migrates against the pressure gradient to
11311 exactly the point of most pressure.
11314 Any sufficiently advanced bug becomes a feature.
11316 Any sufficiently advanced bug is indistinguishable from a feature.
11319 Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from a rigged
11322 Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.
11323 -- Arthur C. Clarke
11325 Any time things appear to be going better, you have overlooked
11328 Any two philosophers can tell each other all they know in two hours.
11329 -- Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.
11331 Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry.
11333 Anybody has a right to evade taxes if he can get away with it. No citizen
11334 has a moral obligation to assist in maintaining his government.
11337 Anybody that wants the presidency so much that he'll spend two years
11338 organizing and campaigning for it is not to be trusted with the office.
11341 Anybody who doesn't cut his speed at the
11342 sight of a police car is probably parked.
11344 Anybody with money to burn will easily find someone to tend the fire.
11346 Anyone can become angry -- that is easy; but to be angry with the right
11347 person, to the right degree, at the right time, for the right purpose
11348 and in the right way -- that is not easy.
11351 Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is
11352 supposed to be doing at the moment.
11355 Anyone can hold the helm when the sea is calm.
11358 Anyone can make an omelet with eggs. The trick is to make one with
11361 "Anyone can say 'no'. It is the first word a child learns and often the
11362 first word he speaks. It is a cheap word because it requires no
11363 explanation, and many men and women have acquired a reputation for
11364 intelligence who know only this word and have used it in place of
11365 thought on every occasion."
11366 -- Chuck Jones (Warner Bros. animation director.)
11368 Anyone stupid enough to be caught by the police is probably guilty.
11370 Anyone who cannot cope with mathematics is not fully human. At best he
11371 is a tolerable subhuman who has learned to wear shoes, bathe and not
11372 make messes in the house.
11373 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
11375 Anyone who considers protocol unimportant has never dealt with a cat.
11376 -- Robert A. Heinlein
11378 Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined.
11381 Anyone who has attended a USENIX conference in a fancy hotel can tell you
11382 that a sentence like "You're one of those computer people, aren't you?"
11383 is roughly equivalent to "Look, another amazingly mobile form of slime
11384 mold!" in the mouth of a hotel cocktail waitress.
11385 -- Elizabeth Zwicky
11387 Anyone who has had a bull by the tail
11388 knows five or six more things than someone who hasn't.
11391 Anyone who hates Dogs and Kids Can't be All Bad.
11394 Anyone who imagines that all fruits ripen at the same time
11395 as the strawberries, knows nothing about grapes.
11396 -- Philippus Paracelsus
11398 Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President
11399 should on no account be allowed to do the job.
11400 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
11402 Anyone who knows history, particularly the history of Europe, will, I think,
11403 recognize that the domination of education or of government by any one
11404 particular religious faith is never a happy arrangement for the people.
11405 -- Eleanor Roosevelt
11407 Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
11410 Anyone who uses the phrase "easy as taking candy from a baby" has never
11411 tried taking candy from a baby.
11414 Anything anybody can say about America is true.
11417 Anything cut to length will be too short.
11419 Anything free is worth what you pay for it.
11421 Anything is good if it's made of chocolate.
11423 Anything is possible on paper.
11426 Anything is possible, unless it's not.
11428 Anything labeled "NEW" and/or "IMPROVED" isn't. The label means the
11429 price went up. The label "ALL NEW", "COMPLETELY NEW", or "GREAT NEW"
11430 means the price went way up.
11432 Anything that is good and useful is made of chocolate.
11434 Anything that is worth doing has been done frequently. Things hitherto
11435 undone should be given, I suspect, a wide berth.
11436 -- Max Beerbohm, "Mainly on the Air"
11438 Anything worth doing is worth overdoing.
11440 Anytime things appear to be going better, you've overlooked something.
11442 Anyway, I keep picturing all these little kids playing some game in this
11443 big field of rye and all. Thousands of little kids, and nobody's around --
11444 nobody big, I mean -- except me. And I'm standing on the edge of some crazy
11445 cliff. What I have to do, I have to catch everybody if they start to go
11446 over the cliff -- I mean if they're running and they don't look where they're
11447 going I have to come out from somewhere and catch them. That's all I'd do
11448 all day. I'd just be the catcher in the rye. I know it; I know it's crazy,
11449 but that's the only thing I'd really like to be. I know it's crazy.
11450 -- J. D. Salinger, "Catcher in the Rye"
11452 Apathy Club meeting this Friday.
11453 If you want to come, you're not invited.
11455 Apathy is not the problem, it's the solution.
11458 Loss of speech in social scientists when asked
11459 at parties, "But of what use is your research?"
11462 A concise, clever statement.
11464 A concise, clever statement you don't think of until too late.
11465 -- James Alexander Thom
11467 APL hackers do it in the quad.
11469 APL is a mistake, carried through to perfection. It is the language of
11470 the future for the problems of the past: it creates a new generation of
11472 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5
11474 APL is a natural extension of assembler language programming;
11475 ...and is best for educational purposes.
11478 APL is a write-only language. I can write programs in APL, but I
11479 can't read any of them.
11482 Appearances often are deceiving.
11486 A portion of a book, for which nobody yet has discovered any use.
11489 The echo of a platitude from the mouth of a fool.
11492 April is the cruelest month...
11493 -- Thomas Stearns Eliot
11495 Aquadextrous, adj.:
11496 Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off
11498 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
11500 AQUARIUS (Jan 20 - Feb 18)
11501 You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive.
11502 You lie a great deal. On the other hand, you are inclined to
11503 be careless and impractical, causing you to make the same
11504 mistakes over and over again. People think you are stupid.
11506 AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 to Feb. 18)
11507 A friend will step forward and confide in you about your breath. Rely
11508 on your outgoing personality and winning smile to get you into a lot
11509 of trouble. Be relaxed, things will change. Look for a pink slip on
11510 payday. Stop wetting your bed.
11512 AQUARIUS (Jan.20 - Feb.18)
11513 You are the type of person who never has enough money to do what
11514 you want. Don't expect things to get any better today, either.
11515 As a matter of fact they might get worse. Intensify your
11516 relationship with your bank and any friends you have who might be
11517 able to lend you a few bucks.
11519 Aquavit is also considered useful for medicinal purposes, an essential
11520 ingredient in what I was once told is the Norwegian cure for the common
11521 cold. You get a bottle, a poster bed, and the brightest colored stocking
11522 cap you can find. You put the cap on the post at the foot of the bed,
11523 then get into bed and drink aquavit until you can't see the cap. I've
11524 never tried this, but it sounds as though it should work.
11527 Arbitrary systems, pl.n.:
11528 Systems about which nothing general can be said, save "nothing
11529 general can be said."
11531 ARCHDUKE FERDINAND FOUND ALIVE --
11532 FIRST WORLD WAR A MISTAKE
11536 Are we running light with overbyte?
11539 In the year 584, in Lyon, France, 43 Catholic bishops and 20 men
11540 representing other bishops, after a lengthy debate, took a vote.
11541 The results were 32 yes, 31 no. Women were declared human by one
11544 Are you a parent? Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to
11545 say in those awkward situations? Worry no more...
11547 Are you sure you're telling the truth? Think hard.
11548 Does it make you happy to know you're sending me to an early grave?
11549 If all your friends jumped off the cliff, would you jump too?
11550 Do you feel bad? How do you think I feel?
11551 Aren't you ashamed of yourself?
11552 Don't you know any better?
11553 How could you be so stupid?
11554 If that's the worst pain you'll ever feel, you should be thankful.
11555 You can't fool me. I know what you're thinking.
11556 If you can't say anything nice, say nothing at all.
11558 Are you a parent? Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to
11559 say in those awkward situations? Worry no more...
11561 Do as I say, not as I do.
11562 Do me a favour and don't tell me about it. I don't want to know.
11563 What did you do *this* time?
11564 If it didn't taste bad, it wouldn't be good for you.
11565 When I was your age...
11566 I won't love you if you keep doing that.
11567 Think of all the starving children in India.
11568 If there's one thing I hate, it's a liar.
11569 I'm going to kill you.
11571 If you don't like it, you can lump it.
11573 Are you a parent? Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to
11574 say in those awkward situations? Worry no more...
11576 Go away. You bother me.
11577 Why? Because life is unfair.
11578 That's a nice drawing. What is it?
11579 Children should be seen and not heard.
11580 You'll be the death of me.
11581 You'll understand when you're older.
11583 Wipe that smile off your face.
11584 I don't believe you.
11585 How many times have I told you to be careful?
11588 Are you a parent? Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to
11589 say in those awkward situations? Worry no more...
11591 Good children always obey.
11592 Quit acting so childish.
11594 If you keep making faces, someday it'll freeze that way.
11595 Why do you have to know so much?
11596 This hurts me more than it hurts you.
11597 Why? Because I'm bigger than you.
11598 Well, you've ruined everything. Now are you happy?
11600 I'm only doing this because I love you.
11602 Are you a parent? Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to
11603 say in those awkward situations? Worry no more...
11605 When are you going to grow up?
11606 I'm only doing this for your own good.
11607 Why are you crying? Stop crying, or I'll give you something to
11609 What's wrong with you?
11610 Someday you'll thank me for this.
11611 You'd lose your head if it weren't attached.
11612 Don't you have any sense at all?
11613 If you keep sucking your thumb, it'll fall off.
11614 Why? Because I said so.
11615 I hope you have a kid just like yourself.
11617 Are you a parent? Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to
11618 say in those awkward situations? Worry no more...
11620 You wouldn't understand.
11621 You ask too many questions.
11622 In order to be a man, you have to learn to follow orders.
11623 That's for me to know and you to find out.
11624 Don't let those bullies push you around. Go in there and stick
11626 You're acting too big for your britches.
11627 Well, you broke it. Now are you satisfied?
11628 Wait till your father gets home.
11629 Bored? If you're bored, I've got some chores for you.
11630 Shape up or ship out.
11634 Are you making all this up as you go along?
11636 "Are you police officers?"
11637 "No, ma'am. We're musicians."
11638 -- The Blues Brothers
11640 Are you sure the back door is locked?
11642 "Are you sure you're not an encyclopedia salesman?"
11643 No, Ma'am. Just a burglar, come to ransack the flat."
11646 Are your glasses mended with a strip of masking tape right over your nose?
11647 Do you put pennies in the slots in your penny loafers?
11648 Does your bow-tie flash "hey you kid" in red neon at parties?
11649 Do you think pizza before noon is unhealthy?
11650 Do you use the "greasy kid's stuff" to stick down your cowlick?
11651 Do you wear a "nerd-pack" in your shirt pocket to keep the dozen
11652 or so pencils from marking the cloth?
11653 Do you think Mary Jane is somebody's name?
11654 Is illegal fishing is something only a daring criminal would do?
11655 Is Batman your hero? Superman? Green Lantern? The Shadow?
11656 Do you think girls who kiss on the first date are loose?
11658 Rate yourself on the nerd-o-matic scale. (1 point for each YES answer)
11659 0-2 -- You are really hip, a real cool cat, a hoopy frood.
11660 3-5 -- There is hope for you yet.
11661 6-7 -- Uh-oh, trouble in River City.
11662 8-10 -- Your immortal soul is in peril.
11663 11+ -- Does suicide seem attractive?
11665 Argue for your limitations, and sure enough, they're yours.
11666 -- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul
11668 Arguments are extremely vulgar, for everyone
11669 in good society holds exactly the same opinion.
11672 Arguments with furniture are rarely productive.
11673 -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
11675 ARIES (Mar 21 - Apr 19)
11676 You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt. You
11677 are quick tempered, impatient, and scornful of advice. You are
11680 ARIES (Mar.21 - Apr.19)
11681 You are a wonderfully interesting, honest, hard-working person
11682 and you should make many new friends, but you won't because you've
11683 got a mean streak in you a mile wide.
11686 An obscure art no longer practiced in
11687 the world's developed countries.
11689 Arithmetic is being able to count up to twenty without taking off your
11694 To provide weapons to a Spanish pickle.
11696 Armenians and Azerbaijanis in Stepanakert, capital of the Nagorno-Karabakh
11697 autonomous region, rioted over much needed spelling reform in the Soviet
11702 Virtue is the failure to achieve vice.
11704 Armstrong's Collection Law:
11705 If the check is truly in the mail,
11706 it is surely made out to someone else.
11709 Anything not fitting into these categories causes cancer in rats.
11711 Arnold's Laws of Documentation:
11712 (1) If it should exist, it doesn't.
11713 (2) If it does exist, it's out of date.
11714 (3) Only documentation for useless programs transcends the
11717 Around computers it is difficult to find the correct unit of time to
11718 measure progress. Some cathedrals took a century to complete. Can you
11719 imagine the grandeur and scope of a program that would take as long?
11720 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
11722 Around the turn of this century, a composer named Camille Saint-Saens wrote
11723 a satirical zoological-fantasy called "Le Carnaval des Animaux." Aside from
11724 one movement of this piece, "The Swan", Saint-Saens didn't allow this work
11725 to be published or even performed until a year had elapsed after his death.
11727 Most of us know the "Swan" movement rather well, with its smooth,
11728 flowing cello melody against a calm background; but I've been having this
11730 What if he had written this piece with lyrics, as a song to be sung?
11731 And, further, what if he had accompanied this song with a musical saw? (This
11732 instrument really does exist, often played by percussionists!) Then the
11733 piece would be better known as:
11734 SAINT-SAENS' SAW SONG "SWAN"!
11736 Arrakis teaches the attitude of the knife - chopping off what's
11737 incomplete and saying: "Now it's complete because it's ended here."
11738 -- Muad'dib, "Dune"
11740 Art is a jealous mistress.
11741 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
11743 Art is a lie which makes us realize the truth.
11746 Art is anything you can get away with.
11747 -- Marshall McLuhan
11749 Art is either plagiarism or revolution.
11752 Art is Nature speeded up and God slowed down.
11755 "Art" is the ability to separate the significant from the insignificant.
11756 -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967)
11758 Art is the tree of life. Science is the tree of death.
11760 Arthur's Laws of Love:
11761 (1) People to whom you are attracted invariably think you
11762 remind them of someone else.
11763 (2) The love letter you finally got the courage to send will be
11764 delayed in the mail long enough for you to make a fool of
11765 yourself in person.
11768 Where a crime of the kidneys has been committed, the accused should
11769 enjoy the right to a speedy diaper change. Public announcements and
11770 guided tours of the aforementioned are not necessary.
11771 Article the Fourth:
11772 The decision to eat strained lamb or not should be with the "feedee"
11773 and not the "feeder". Blowing the strained lamb into the feeder's
11774 face should be accepted as an opinion, not as a declaration of war.
11776 Babies should enjoy the freedom to vocalize, whether it be in church,
11777 a public meeting place, during a movie, or after hours when the
11778 lights are out. They have not yet learned that joy and laughter have
11779 to last a lifetime and must be conserved.
11780 -- Erma Bombeck, "A Baby's Bill of Rights"
11782 Artificial intelligence has the same relation to intelligence as
11783 artificial flowers have to flowers.
11786 Artistic ventures highlighted. Rob a museum.
11788 As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
11790 As a professional humorist, I often get letters from readers who are
11791 interested in the basic nature of humor. "What kind of a sick
11792 perverted disgusting person are you," these letters typically ask,
11793 "that you make jokes about setting fire to a goat?" ...
11794 -- Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny"
11796 As an adolescent I aspired to lasting fame, I craved factual
11797 certainty, and I thirsted for a meaningful vision of human life -- so I
11798 became a scientist. This is like becoming an archbishop so you can
11802 As an Englishman, an Aussie and a Scotsman are sitting in a pub, quaffing
11803 a few, three flies buzz down from the ceiling and lazily circle each drinker.
11804 Suddenly "buzzzzzzzzplooop", each fly does a kamakazi dive into a different
11806 The Englishman take a disgusted look at his pint, dips the fly out
11807 with a spoon, flicks the fly over his shoulder, and drains the glass.
11808 The Aussie notices the fly as he puts the glass to his lips. With
11809 a quick puff he blows the bug out in a cloud of foam, and tosses the beer
11811 Then, as they both look on, awestruck, the Scotsman gently grasps the
11812 fly by its wings, lifts it out of his brew and shakes it off. Then, in a
11813 firm voice he speaks to the fly: "There y'are now laddie, safe and sound.
11814 NOW SPIT IT OOOOT!"
11816 As crazy as hauling timber into the woods.
11817 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
11819 As failures go, attempting to recall the past is like trying to grasp
11820 the meaning of existence. Both make one feel like a baby clutching at
11821 a basketball: one's palms keep sliding off.
11824 As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not
11825 certain, and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality.
11828 As far as we know, our computer has never had an undetected error.
11831 As flies to wanton boys are we to the gods; they kill us for their sport.
11832 -- William Shakespeare, "King Lear"
11834 As for the women, though we scorn and flout 'em,
11835 We may live with, but cannot live without 'em.
11836 -- Frederic Reynolds
11838 As Gen. de Gaulle occasionally acknowledges America to be the daughter
11839 of Europe, so I am pleased to come to Yale, the daughter of Harvard.
11842 As goatherd learns his trade by goat, so writer learns his trade by wrote.
11844 As he had feared, his orders had been forgotten and everyone had brought
11847 As I argued in "Beloved Son", a book about my son Brian and the subject of
11848 religious communes and cults, one result of proper early instruction in the
11849 methods of rational thought will be to make sudden mindless conversions --
11850 to anything -- less likely. Brian now realizes this and has, after eleven
11851 years, left the sect he was associated with. The problem is that once the
11852 untrained mind has made a formal commitment to a religious philosophy --
11853 and it does not matter whether that philosophy is generally reasonable and
11854 high-minded or utterly bizarre and irrational -- the powers of reason are
11855 surprisingly ineffective in changing the believer's mind.
11858 As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very
11859 pleasurable - until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all, but A HUMAN HEAD!!
11862 As I thought, no better from this side.
11865 As I was going up Punch Card Hill,
11866 Feeling worse and worser,
11867 There I met a C.R.T.
11868 And it drop't me a cursor.
11871 Phosphors light on you!
11872 If I had fifty hours a day
11873 I'd spend them all at you.
11874 -- Uncle Colonel's Cursory Rhymes
11876 As I was passing Project MAC,
11877 I met a Quux with seven hacks.
11878 Every hack had seven bugs;
11879 Every bug had seven manifestations;
11880 Every manifestation had seven symptoms.
11881 Symptoms, manifestations, bugs, and hacks,
11882 How many losses at Project MAC?
11884 As I was walking down the street one dark and dreary day,
11885 I came upon a billboard and much to my dismay,
11886 The words were torn and tattered,
11887 From the storm the night before,
11888 The wind and rain had done its work and this is how it goes,
11890 Smoke Coca-Cola cigarettes, chew Wrigleys Spearmint beer,
11891 Ken-L-Ration dog food makes your complexion clear,
11892 Simonize your baby in a Hershey candy bar,
11893 And Texaco's a beauty cream that's used by every star.
11895 Take your next vacation in a brand new Frigidaire,
11896 Learn to play the piano in your winter underwear,
11897 Doctors say that babies should smoke until they're three,
11898 And people over sixty-five should bathe in Lipton tea.
11900 As in certain cults it is possible to
11901 kill a process if you know its true name.
11902 -- Ken Thompson and Dennis M. Ritchie
11904 As in Protestant Europe, by contrast, where sects divided endlessly into
11905 smaller competing sects and no church dominated any other, all is different
11906 in the fragmented world of IBM. That realm is now a chaos of conflicting
11907 norms and standards that not even IBM can hope to control. You can buy a
11908 computer that works like an IBM machine but contains nothing made or sold by
11909 IBM itself. Renegades from IBM constantly set up rival firms and establish
11910 standards of their own. When IBM recently abandoned some of its original
11911 standards and decreed new ones, many of its rivals declared a puritan
11912 allegiance to IBM's original faith, and denounced the company as a divisive
11913 innovator. Still, the IBM world is united by its distrust of icons and
11914 imagery. IBM's screens are designed for language, not pictures. Graven
11915 images may be tolerated by the luxurious cults, but the true IBM faith relies
11916 on the austerity of the word.
11917 -- Edward Mendelson, "The New Republic", February 22, 1988
11919 As long as I am mayor of this city [Jersey City, New Jersey] the great
11920 industries are secure. We hear about constitutional rights, free
11921 speech and the free press. Every time I hear these words I say to
11922 myself, "That man is a Red, that man is a Communist". You never hear a
11923 real American talk like that.
11924 -- Frank Hague, 1896-1956
11926 As long as the answer is right, who cares if the question is wrong?
11928 As long as there are ill-defined goals, bizarre bugs, and unrealistic
11929 schedules, there will be Real Programmers willing to jump in and Solve
11930 The Problem, saving the documentation for later.
11932 As long as war is regarded as wicked, it will always have its
11933 fascination. When it is looked upon as vulgar, it will cease to be
11935 -- Oscar Wilde, "Intentions"
11937 As many of you know, I am taking a class here at UNC on Personality.
11938 One of the tests to determine personality in our book was so incredibly
11939 useful and interesting, I just had to share it.
11941 Answer each of the following items "true" or "false"
11943 1. I salivate at the sight of mittens.
11944 2. If I go into the street, I'm apt to be bitten by a horse.
11945 3. Some people never look at me.
11946 4. Spinach makes me feel alone.
11947 5. My sex life is A-okay.
11948 6. When I look down from a high spot, I want to spit.
11949 7. I like to kill mosquitoes.
11950 8. Cousins are not to be trusted.
11951 9. It makes me embarrassed to fall down.
11952 10. I get nauseous from too much roller skating.
11953 11. I think most people would cry to gain a point.
11954 12. I cannot read or write.
11955 13. I am bored by thoughts of death.
11956 14. I become homicidal when people try to reason with me.
11957 15. I would enjoy the work of a chicken flicker.
11958 16. I am never startled by a fish.
11959 17. My mother's uncle was a good man.
11960 18. I don't like it when somebody is rotten.
11961 19. People who break the law are wise guys.
11962 20. I have never gone to pieces over the weekend.
11964 As many of you know, I am taking a class here at UNC on Personality.
11965 One of the tests to determine personality in our book was so incredibly
11966 useful and interesting, I just had to share it.
11968 Answer each of the following items "true" or "false"
11970 1. I think beavers work too hard.
11971 2. I use shoe polish to excess.
11973 4. I like mannish children.
11974 5. I have always been disturbed by the sight of Lincoln's ears.
11975 6. I always let people get ahead of me at swimming pools.
11976 7. Most of the time I go to sleep without saying goodbye.
11977 8. I am not afraid of picking up door knobs.
11978 9. I believe I smell as good as most people.
11979 10. Frantic screams make me nervous.
11980 11. It's hard for me to say the right thing when I find myself in a room
11982 12. I would never tell my nickname in a crisis.
11983 13. A wide necktie is a sign of disease.
11984 14. As a child I was deprived of licorice.
11985 15. I would never shake hands with a gardener.
11986 16. My eyes are always cold.
11987 17. Cousins are not to be trusted.
11988 18. When I look down from a high spot, I want to spit.
11989 19. I am never startled by a fish.
11990 20. I have never gone to pieces over the weekend.
11992 As me an' me marrer was readin' a tyape,
11993 The tyape gave a shriek mark an' tried tae escyape;
11994 It skipped ower the gyate tae the end of the field,
11995 An' jigged oot the room wi' a spool an' a reel!
11996 Follow the leader, Johnny me laddie,
11997 Follow it through, me canny lad O;
11998 Follow the transport, Johnny me laddie,
11999 Away, lad, lie away, canny lad O!
12000 -- S. Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
12002 As of next Thursday, UNIX will be flushed in favor of TOPS-10.
12003 Please update your programs.
12005 As of next Tuesday, C will be flushed in favor of COBOL.
12006 Please update your programs.
12008 As of next week, passwords will be entered in Morse code.
12010 As part of an ongoing effort to keep you, the Fortune reader, abreast of
12011 the valuable information the daily crosses the USENET, Fortune presents:
12013 News articles that answer *your* questions, #1:
12015 Newsgroups: comp.sources.d
12016 Subject: how do I run C code received from sources
12017 Keywords: C sources
12020 I do not know how to run the C programs that are posted in the
12021 sources newsgroup. I save the files, edit them to remove the
12022 headers, and change the mode so that they are executable, but I
12023 cannot get them to run. (I have never written a C program before.)
12025 Must they be compiled? With what compiler? How do I do this? If
12026 I compile them, is an object code file generated or must I generate
12027 it explicitly with the > character? Is there something else that
12030 As part of the conversion, computer specialists rewrote 1,500 programs;
12031 a process that traditionally requires some debugging.
12032 -- USA Today, referring to the IRS switchover to a new
12035 As some day it may happen that a victim must be found
12036 I've got a little list -- I've got a little list
12037 Of society offenders who might well be underground
12038 And who never would be missed -- who never would be missed.
12039 -- Koko, "The Mikado"
12041 As soon as we started programming, we found to our surprise that it
12042 wasn't as easy to get programs right as we had thought. Debugging had
12043 to be discovered. I can remember the exact instant when I realized
12044 that a large part of my life from then on was going to be spent in
12045 finding mistakes in my own programs.
12046 -- Maurice Wilkes discovers debugging, 1949
12048 As the poet said, "Only God can make a tree" -- probably because it's
12049 so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
12052 As the system comes up, the component builders will from time to time appear,
12053 bearing hot new versions of their pieces -- faster, smaller, more complete,
12054 or putatively less buggy. The replacement of a working component by a new
12055 version requires the same systematic testing procedure that adding a new
12056 component does, although it should require less time, for more complete and
12057 efficient test cases will usually be available.
12058 -- Frederick Brooks Jr., "The Mythical Man Month"
12060 As the trials of life continue to take their toll, remember that there
12061 is always a future in Computer Maintenance.
12062 -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
12064 As to Jesus of Nazareth... I think the system of Morals and his Religion,
12065 as he left them to us, the best the World ever saw or is likely to see;
12066 but I apprehend it has received various corrupting Changes, and I have,
12067 with most of the present Dissenters in England, some doubts as to his
12069 -- Benjamin Franklin
12071 As well look for a needle in a bottle of hay.
12072 -- Miguel de Cervantes
12074 As Will Rogers would have said, "There is no such thing as a free
12077 As with most fine things, chocolate has its season. There is a simple
12078 memory aid that you can use to determine whether it is the correct time
12079 to order chocolate dishes: any month whose name contains the letter A,
12080 E, or U is the proper time for chocolate.
12081 -- Sandra Boynton, "Chocolate: The Consuming Passion"
12083 As you grow older, you will still do foolish things,
12084 but you will do them with much more enthusiasm.
12087 As you know, birds do not have sexual organs because they would
12088 interfere with flight. [In fact, this was the big breakthrough for the
12089 Wright Brothers. They were watching birds one day, trying to figure
12090 out how to get their crude machine to fly, when suddenly it dawned on
12091 Wilbur. "Orville," he said, "all we have to do is remove the sexual
12092 organs!" You should have seen their original design.] As a result,
12093 birds are very, very difficult to arouse sexually. You almost never
12094 see an aroused bird. So when they want to reproduce, birds fly up and
12095 stand on telephone lines, where they monitor telephone conversations
12096 with their feet. When they find a conversation in which people are
12097 talking dirty, they grip the line very tightly until they are both
12098 highly aroused, at which point the female gets pregnant.
12099 -- Dave Barry, "Sex and the Single Amoeba: What Every
12102 As you reach for the web, a venomous spider appears. Unable to pull
12103 your hand away in time, the spider promptly, but politely, bites you.
12104 The venom takes affect quickly causing your lips to turn plaid along
12105 with your complexion. You become dazed, and in your stupor you fall
12106 from the limbs of the tree. Snap! Your head falls off and rolls all
12107 over the ground. The instant before you croak, you hear the whoosh of
12108 a vacuum being filled by the air surrounding your head. Worse yet, the
12109 spider is suing you for damages.
12111 As you will see, I told them, in no uncertain terms, to see Figure one.
12112 -- Dave "First Strike" Pare
12114 As Zeus said to Narcissus, "Watch yourself."
12117 The control code for all beginning programmers and those who would
12118 become computer literate. Etymologically, the term has come down as
12119 a contraction of the often-repeated phrase "ascii and you shall
12123 ASCII a stupid question, you get an EBCDIC answer.
12125 ASHes to ASHes, DOS to DOS.
12127 Ashes to ashes, dust to dust,
12128 If God won't have you, the devil must.
12130 Ask five economists and you'll get five different explanations (six if
12131 one went to Harvard).
12132 -- Edgar R. Fiedler
12134 Ask not for whom the Bell tolls, and you
12135 will pay only the station-to-station rate.
12138 Ask not for whom the <CONTROL-G> tolls.
12140 Ask not for whom the telephone bell tolls ...
12141 if thou art in the bathtub, it tolls for thee.
12143 Ask not what's inside your head, but what your head's inside of.
12146 Ask your boss to reconsider -- it's so difficult to take "Go to hell"
12149 Ask yourself whether you are happy and you cease to be so.
12150 -- John Stuart Mill
12152 "Asked by reporters about his upcoming marriage to a forty-two-year-old
12153 woman, director Roman Polanski told reporters, `The way I look at it,
12154 she's the equivalent of three fourteen-year-olds.'"
12157 Asked how she felt being the first woman to make a major-league team, she
12158 said, "Like a pig in mud," or words to that effect, and then turned and
12159 released a squirt of tobacco juice from the wad of rum soaked plug in her
12160 right cheek. She chewed a rare brand of plug called Stuff It, which she
12161 learned to chew when she was playing Nicaraguan summer ball. She told the
12162 writers, "They were so mean to me down there you couldn't write it in your
12163 newspaper. I took a gun everywhere I went, even to bed. *Especially* to
12164 bed. Guys were after me like you can't believe. That's when I started
12165 chewing tobacco -- because no matter how bad anybody treats you, it's not
12166 as bad as this. This is the worst chew in the world. After this,
12167 everything else is peaches and cream." The writers elected Gentleman Jim,
12168 the Sparrow's P.R. guy, to bite off a chunk and tell them how it tasted,
12169 and as he sat and chewed it tears ran down his old sunburnt cheeks and he
12170 couldn't talk for a while. Then he whispered, "You've been chewing this for
12171 two years? God, I had no idea it was so hard to be a woman."
12172 -- Garrison Keillor
12174 Asking a working writer what he thinks about critics is like asking a
12175 lamp-post how it feels about dogs.
12176 -- Christopher Hampton
12179 The masculine of "lass".
12181 Assembly language experience is [important] for the maturity
12182 and understanding of how computers work that it provides.
12185 Associate with well-mannered persons and your manners will improve.
12186 Run with decent folk and your own decent instincts will be
12187 strengthened. Keep the company of bums and you will become a bum.
12188 Hang around with rich people and you will end by picking up the check
12192 Astrology... just a bunch of Taurus.
12194 Asynchronous inputs are at the root of our race problems.
12195 -- D. Winker and F. Prosser
12197 "At a recent meeting in Snowmass, Colorado, a participant from Los
12198 Angeles fainted from hyperoxygenation, and we had to hold his head
12199 under the exhaust of a bus until he revived."
12201 At about 2500 A.D., humankind discovers a computer problem that *must* be
12202 solved. The only difficulty is that the problem is NP complete and will
12203 take thousands of years even with the latest optical biologic technology
12204 available. The best computer scientists sit down to think up some solution.
12205 In great dismay, one of the C.S. people tells her husband about it. There
12206 is only one solution, he says. Remember physics 103, Modern Physics, general
12207 relativity and all. She replies, "What does that have to do with solving
12208 a computer problem?"
12209 "Remember the twin paradox?"
12210 After a few minutes, she says, "I could put the computer on a very
12211 fast machine and the computer would have just a few minutes to calculate but
12212 that is the exact opposite of what we want... Of course! Leave the
12213 computer here, and accelerate the earth!"
12214 The problem was so important that they did exactly that. When
12215 the earth came back, they were presented with the answer:
12217 IEH032 Error in JOB Control Card.
12219 At any given moment, an arrow must be either where it is or where it is
12220 not. But obviously it cannot be where it is not. And if it is where
12221 it is, that is equivalent to saying that it is at rest.
12222 -- Zeno's paradox of the moving (still?) arrow
12224 At ebb tide I wrote a line upon the sand, and gave it all my heart and all
12225 my soul. At flood tide I returned to read what I had inscribed and found my
12226 ignorance upon the shore.
12229 At first, I just did it on weekends. With a few friends, you know...
12230 We never wanted to hurt anyone. The girls loved it. We'd all sit
12231 around the computer and do a little UNIX. It was just a kick. At
12232 least that's what we thought. Then it got worse.
12234 It got so I'd have to do some UNIX during the weekdays. After a
12235 while, I couldn't even wake up in the morning without having that
12236 crave to go do UNIX. Then it started affecting my job. I would just
12237 have to do it during my break. Maybe a `grep' or two, maybe a little
12238 `more'. I eventually started doing UNIX just to get through the day.
12239 Of course, it screwed up my mind so much that I couldn't even
12240 function as a normal person.
12242 I'm lucky today, I've overcome my UNIX problem. It wasn't easy. If
12243 you're smart, just don't start. Remember, if any weirdo offers you
12248 At first sight, the idea of any rules or principles being superimposed on
12249 the creative mind seems more likely to hinder than to help, but this is
12250 quite untrue in practice. Disciplined thinking focuses inspiration rather
12252 -- G. L. Glegg, "The Design of Design"
12254 At Group L, Stoffel oversees six first-rate programmers, a managerial
12255 challenge roughly comparable to herding cats.
12256 -- The Washington Post Magazine, June 9, 1985
12258 At last I've found the girl of my dreams. Last night she said to me,
12259 "Once more, Strange, and this time *I'll* be Donnie and *you* be Marie.
12262 "At least they're ___________
\b\b\b\b\b\b\b\b\b\b\bEXPERIENCED incompetents"
12264 At no time is freedom of speech more precious than when a man hits his
12265 thumb with a hammer.
12266 -- Marshall Lumsden
12268 At once it struck me what quality went to form a man of achievement,
12269 especially in literature, and which Shakespeare possessed so enormously
12270 -- I mean negative capability, that is, when a man is capable of being
12271 in uncertainties, mysteries, doubts, without any irritable reaching
12272 after fact and reason.
12275 At social gatherings, I would amuse everyone by standing uponst the
12276 coffee table and striking meself repeatedly upon the head with a brick.
12279 At the end of your life there'll be a good rest,
12280 and no further activities are scheduled.
12282 At the foot of the mountain, thunder:
12283 The image of Providing Nourishment.
12284 Thus the superior man is careful of his words
12285 And temperate in eating and drinking.
12287 At the heart of science is an essential tension between two seemingly
12288 contradictory attitudes -- an openness to new ideas, no matter how bizarre
12289 or counterintuitive they may be, and the most ruthless skeptical scrutiny
12290 of all ideas, old and new. This is how deep truths are winnowed from deep
12291 nonsense. Of course, scientists make mistakes in trying to understand the
12292 world, but there is a built-in error-correcting mechanism: The collective
12293 enterprise of creative thinking and skeptical thinking together keeps the
12295 -- Carl Sagan, "The Fine Art of Baloney Detection"
12297 At the hospital, a doctor is training an intern on how to announce bad news
12298 to the patients. The doctor tells the intern "This man in 305 is going to
12299 die in six months. Go in and tell him." The intern boldly walks into the
12300 room, over to the man's bedside and tells him "Seems like you're gonna die!"
12301 The man has a heart attack and is rushed into surgery on the spot. The doctor
12302 grabs the intern and screams at him, "What!?!? are you some kind of moron?
12303 You've got to take it easy, work your way up to the subject. Now this man in
12304 213 has about a week to live. Go in and tell him, but, gently, you hear me,
12306 The intern goes softly into the room, humming to himself, cheerily
12307 opens the drapes to let the sun in, walks over to the man's bedside, fluffs
12308 his pillow and wishes him a "Good morning!" "Wonderful day, no? Say...
12309 guess who's going to die soon!"
12311 At the source of every error which is blamed on the computer you will
12312 find at least two human errors, including the error of blaming it on
12315 At these prices, I lose money -- but I make it up in volume.
12316 -- Peter G. Alaquon
12318 At times discretion should be thrown aside,
12319 and with the foolish we should play the fool.
12322 At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the
12323 number of pens that person is carrying.
12325 Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
12328 An entire city surrounded by an airport.
12330 Atlanta makes it against the law to tie a giraffe to a telephone pole
12333 Atlee is a very modest man. And with reason.
12334 -- Winston Churchill
12336 Attorney General Edwin Meese III explained why the Supreme Court's Miranda
12337 decision (holding that subjects have a right to remain silent and have a
12338 lawyer present during questioning) is unnecessary: "You don't have many
12339 suspects who are innocent of a crime. That's contradictory. If a person
12340 is innocent of a crime, then he is not a suspect."
12341 -- U.S. News and World Report, 10/14/85
12344 A gyp off the old block.
12346 Audacity, and again, audacity, and always audacity.
12350 Someone who listens to the equipment instead of the music.
12352 Auribus teneo lupum.
12353 [I hold a wolf by the ears.]
12356 Indubitably true, in somebody's opinion.
12358 Authors (and perhaps columnists) eventually rise to the top of whatever
12359 depths they were once able to plumb.
12362 Authors are easy to get on with -- if you're fond of children.
12363 -- Michael Joseph, "Observer"
12366 A four-wheeled vehicle that runs up hills and down pedestrians.
12370 Avert misunderstanding by calm, poise, and balance.
12372 Avoid cliches like the plague.
12373 They're a dime a dozen.
12375 Avoid gunfire in the bathroom tonight.
12377 Avoid Quiet and Placid persons unless you are in Need of Sleep.
12378 -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
12380 Avoid reality at all costs.
12382 Avoid revolution or expect to get shot. Mother and I will grieve, but
12383 we will gladly buy a dinner for the National Guardsman who shot you.
12384 -- Dr. Paul Williamson, father of a Kent State student
12386 Avoid strange women and temporary variables.
12388 Awash with unfocused desire, Everett twisted the lobe of his one remaining
12389 ear and felt the presence of somebody else behind him, which caused terror
12390 to push through his nervous system like a flash flood roaring down the
12391 mid-fork of the Feather River before the completion of the Oroville Dam
12393 -- Grand Panjandrum's Special Award, 1984 Bulwer-Lytton
12394 bad fiction contest
12396 [Babe] Ruth made a big mistake when he gave up pitching.
12397 -- Tris Speaker, 1921
12400 A convenient deity invented by the ancients
12401 as an excuse for getting drunk.
12404 A convenient deity invented by the ancients as an excuse for
12406 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
12409 A guy who is footloose and fiancee-free.
12412 A man who chases women and never Mrs. one.
12414 Back in '80 or '81 the workers were rioting in Gdansk and there were fears
12415 that the Soviets would invade Poland to put down the demonstrations. Foreign
12416 correspondents were curious as to just what the Poles would do if they were
12417 invaded. They asked, "What will you do if the East Germans invade from the
12418 West and the Soviets invade from the East? Who will you fight first?"
12419 To which the Poles replied, "Why, we will fight the Germans first.
12420 Business before pleasure."
12422 Back in the early 60's, touch tone phones only had 10 buttons. Some
12423 military versions had 16, while the 12 button jobs were used only by people
12424 who had "diva" (digital inquiry, voice answerback) systems -- mainly banks.
12425 Since in those days, only Western Electric made "data sets" (modems) the
12426 problems of terminology were all Bell System. We used to struggle with
12427 written descriptions of dial pads that were unfamiliar to most people
12428 (most phones were rotary then.) Partly in jest, some AT&T engineering
12429 types (there was no marketing in the good old days, which is why they were
12430 the good old days) made up the term "octalthorpe" (note spelling) to denote
12431 the "pound sign." Presumably because it has 8 points sticking out. It
12432 never really caught on.
12434 Back when I was a boy, it was 40 miles to everywhere,
12435 uphill both ways and it was always snowing.
12437 BACKWARD CONDITIONING:
12438 Putting saliva in a dog's mouth in an attempt to make a bell ring.
12440 Bacons not the only thing that's cured by hanging from a string.
12442 BAD CRAZINESS, MAN!!!
12444 Bad men live that they may eat and drink,
12445 whereas good men eat and drink that they may live.
12449 1. n.; Equipment or program that fails, usually
12450 intermittently. 2. adj.: Failing hardware or software. "This
12451 bagbiting system won't let me get out of spacewar." Usage: verges on
12452 obscenity. Grammatically separable; one may speak of "biting the
12453 bag". Synonyms: LOSER, LOSING, CRETINOUS, BLETCHEROUS, BARFUCIOUS,
12456 Bagdikian's Observation:
12457 Trying to be a first-rate reporter on the average American
12458 newspaper is like trying to play Bach's "St. Matthew Passion" on a
12461 Bahdges? We don't need no stinkin' bahdges!
12462 -- "The Treasure of Sierra Madre"
12464 Baker's First Law of Federal Geometry:
12465 A block grant is a solid mass of money surrounded on all sides
12471 Fear of opening one's eyes.
12475 Fear of being buried alive.
12484 A wharf-rat stealing Diogenes' lamp.
12486 Ban the bomb. Save the world for conventional warfare.
12488 Banacek's Eighteenth Polish Proverb:
12489 The hippo has no sting, but the wise
12490 man would rather be sat upon by the bee.
12493 The removal of bruises on a banana.
12494 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
12496 Bank error in your favor. Collect $200.
12499 An alcoholic is a person who drinks more than his own
12502 Barbara's Rules of Bitter Experience:
12503 (1) When you empty a drawer for his clothes
12504 and a shelf for his toiletries, the relationship ends.
12505 (2) When you finally buy pretty stationary
12506 to continue the correspondence, he stops writing.
12508 Bare feet magnetize sharp metal objects so they point upward from the
12509 floor -- especially in the dark.
12512 Proofreading is more effective after publication.
12515 An ingenious instrument which indicates what kind of weather we
12517 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
12519 Barth's Distinction:
12520 There are two types of people: those who divide people into two
12521 types, and those who don't.
12523 Baruch's Observation:
12524 If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.
12526 Base 8 is just like base 10, if you are missing two fingers.
12529 Baseball is a skilled game. It's America's game -- it, and high
12533 Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think
12534 Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today?
12536 (1) Writing his memoirs of the Civil War.
12537 (2) Advising the President.
12538 (3) Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin.
12541 Basic Definitions of Science:
12542 If it's green or wiggles, it's biology.
12543 If it stinks, it's chemistry.
12544 If it doesn't work, it's physics.
12546 Basic is a high level languish.
12548 Basic is a high level languish.
12549 APL is a high level anguish.
12551 BASIC is the Computer Science equivalent of "Scientific Creationism."
12553 BASIC is to computer programming as QWERTY is to typing.
12557 A programming language. Related to certain social diseases in
12558 that those who have it will not admit it in polite company.
12560 Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd
12561 come in and sink my boats.
12565 The violent quake that rattles the entire house when the water
12566 faucet is turned on to a certain point.
12567 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
12569 Batteries not included.
12572 A method of untying with the teeth a political knot that
12573 will not yield to the tongue.
12576 Be a better psychiatrist and the world
12577 will beat a psychopath to your door.
12579 BE A LOOF! (There has been a recent population explosion of lerts.)
12581 BE ALERT!!!! (The world needs more lerts ...)
12583 Be assured that a walk through the ocean of most Souls would scarcely
12584 get your Feet wet. Fall not in Love, therefore: it will stick to your
12586 -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
12588 Be both a speaker of words and a doer of deeds.
12591 Be braver -- you can't cross a chasm in two small jumps.
12593 Be careful! Is it classified?
12595 Be careful! UGLY strikes 9 out of 10!
12597 Be careful how you get yourself involved with persons or
12598 situations that can't bear inspection.
12600 Be careful of reading health books, you might die of a misprint.
12603 Be careful what you set your heart on -- for it will surely be yours.
12604 -- James Baldwin, "Nobody Knows My Name"
12606 Be careful when a loop exits to the same place from side and bottom.
12608 Be careful when you bite into your hamburger.
12611 Be cautious in your daily affairs.
12613 Be cheerful while you are alive.
12614 -- Phathotep, 24th Century B.C.
12616 Be circumspect in your liaisons with women. It is better
12617 to be seen at the opera with a man than at mass with a woman.
12620 Be different: conform.
12622 Be frank and explicit with your lawyer ... it is his business to confuse
12623 the issue afterwards.
12625 Be free and open and breezy! Enjoy!
12626 Things won't get any better so get used to it.
12628 Be incomprehensible. If they can't understand, they can't disagree.
12631 Insult a rich relative today.
12633 Be it our wealth, our jobs, or even our homes;
12634 nothing is safe while the legislature is in session.
12636 Be nice to people on the way up, because you'll meet them on your way down.
12639 Be not anxious about what you have, but about what you are.
12640 -- Pope St. Gregory I
12642 Be open to other people -- they may enrich your dream.
12644 Be prepared to accept sacrifices.
12645 Vestal virgins aren't all that bad.
12647 Be regular and orderly in your life, so that you may be violent
12648 and original in your work.
12651 Be security conscious -- National Defense is at stake.
12653 Be self-reliant and your success is assured.
12656 Speak to the person next to you in the unemployment line tomorrow.
12658 Be sure to evaluate the bird-hand/bush ratio.
12660 Be valiant, but not too venturous.
12661 Let thy attire be comely, but not costly.
12664 Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors and
12666 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
12668 Beam me up, Scotty!
12670 Beam me up, Scotty! It ate my phaser!
12672 Beam me up, Scotty, there's no intelligent life down here!
12674 Beat your son every day; you may not know why, but he will.
12677 What's in your eye when you have a bee in your hand.
12679 Beauty and harmony are as necessary to you as the very breath of life.
12681 Beauty, brains, availability, personality; pick any two.
12683 Beauty is one of the rare things which does not lead to doubt of God.
12686 Beauty is truth, truth beauty, that is all
12687 Ye know on earth, and all ye need to know.
12690 Beauty may be skin deep, but ugly goes clear to the bone.
12694 Because I do not hope,
12695 Because I do not hope to survive
12696 Injustice from the Palace, death from the air,
12697 Because I do, only do,
12701 Because the wine remembers.
12703 Because we don't think about future generations,
12704 they will never forget us.
12708 What did you bring back for me?
12710 Been Transferred Lately?
12712 Beer -- it's not just for breakfast anymore.
12714 Beer & Pretzels -- Breakfast of Champions.
12716 Bees are very busy souls
12717 They have no time for birth controls
12718 And that is why in times like these
12719 There are so many Sons of Bees.
12721 Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need more.
12722 -- Addison H. Hallock
12724 Before destruction a man's heart is
12725 haughty, but humility goes before honour.
12728 ...before I could come to any conclusion it occurred to me that my speech
12729 or my silence, indeed any action of mine, would be a mere futility. What
12730 did it matter what anyone knew or ignored? What did it matter who was
12731 manager? One gets sometimes such a flash of insight. The essentials of
12732 this affair lay deep under the surface, beyond my reach, and beyond my
12736 Before I knew the best part of my life had come, it had gone.
12738 Before marriage the three little words are "I love you," after marriage
12739 they are "Let's eat out."
12741 Before really embarking on a sizeable project, in particular before
12742 starting the large investment of coding, try to kill the project
12744 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, EWD1308
12746 Before Xerox, five carbons were the maximum extension of anybody's ego.
12748 Before you ask more questions, think about whether
12749 you really want to know the answers.
12750 -- Gene Wolfe, "The Claw of the Conciliator"
12753 A multi-day event on public television, used to raise money so
12754 you won't have to watch commercials.
12756 Beggar to well-dressed businessman:
12757 "Could you spare $20.95 for a fifth of Chivas?"
12759 Beggars should be no choosers.
12762 Behind every argument is someone's ignorance.
12764 Behind every great computer sits a skinny little geek.
12766 Behind every successful man you'll find a woman with nothing to wear.
12768 Behold the fool saith, "Put not all thine eggs in the one basket" -- which
12769 is but a manner of saying, "Scatter your money and your attention"; but
12770 the wise man saith, "Put all your eggs in the one basket and -- watch that
12774 Behold the unborn foetus and
12775 Weep salt tears crocodilian;
12776 All life is sacred (save, of course,
12777 An enemy civilian).
12779 Behold the warranty -- the bold print
12780 giveth and the fine print taketh away.
12782 Beifeld's Principle:
12783 The probability of a young man meeting a desirable and
12784 receptive young female increases by pyramidal progression when he is
12785 already in the company of: (1) a date, (2) his wife, (3) a better
12786 looking and richer male friend.
12788 Being a mime means never having to say you're sorry.
12790 Being a miner, as soon as you're too old and tired and sick and
12791 stupid to do your job properly, you have to go, where the very
12792 opposite applies with the judges.
12793 -- Beyond the Fringe
12795 Being a woman is a terribly difficult trade,
12796 since it consists principally of dealings with men.
12799 Being asked solicitously about the state of her health was becoming bothersome
12800 to the pregnant woman at the cocktail party. And yet another guest went over
12801 and inquired, "Well, how are you feeling these days?"
12802 "Not too well," said the expectant mother. "You know, I've missed
12803 seven or eight periods now and it's beginning to worry me."
12805 Being conservative has never been regarded as old-fashioned. But
12806 if you fight for a sensible step in the right direction which others
12807 has deserted you will be branded "reactionary".
12808 -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967)
12810 "Being disintegrated makes me ve-ry an-gry!" <huff, huff>
12812 Being frustrated is disagreeable, but the real
12813 disasters in life begin when you get what you want.
12815 Being in politics is like being a football coach. You have to be smart
12816 enough to understand the game and dumb enough to think it's important.
12819 Being in the army is like being in the Boy Scouts, except that the
12820 Boy Scouts have adult supervision.
12823 Being owned by someone used to be called
12824 slavery -- now it's called commitment.
12826 Being popular is important. Otherwise people might not like you.
12828 Being the #2 man in the Justice Department under Ed Meese is akin to
12829 standing next to a lamp post infested with pigeons.
12830 -- unnamed Justice Department official
12832 Being ugly isn't illegal. Yet.
12835 Something you do not believe.
12837 Believe everything you hear about the world; nothing is too
12839 -- Honore de Balzac
12841 Bell Labs Unix -- Reach out and grep someone.
12843 Ben, why didn't you tell me?
12846 Bennett's Laws of Horticulture:
12847 (1) Houses are for people to live in.
12848 (2) Gardens are for plants to live in.
12849 (3) There is no such thing as a houseplant.
12851 Benson, you are so free of the ravages of intelligence.
12855 ASCII is our god, and Unix is his profit.
12857 Berkeley had what we called "copycenter," which is "take it down
12858 to the copy center and make as many copies as you want."
12861 Bernard Shaw is an excellent man; he has not an enemy in the world, and
12862 none of his friends like him either.
12865 Bernard was a young eighty-three, not a gomer, and able to talk. He'd been
12866 transferred from MBH (Man's Best Hospital), the House's Rival. Founded in
12867 Colonial times by the WASPs, the insemination of MBH by non-WASPs had taken
12868 place only mid-twentieth century with the token multidextrous Oriental
12869 surgeon, and finally, with the token red-hot internal-medicine Jew. Yet,
12870 MBH was still Brooks Brothers, while the House was still the Garment District.
12871 For Jews at MBH the password was "Dress British, Think Yiddish." It was
12872 rare to get a TURF from the MBH to the House, and the Fat Man was curious:
12873 "Bernard, you went to the MBH, they did a great work-up, and you told them,
12874 after they got done, you wanted to be transferred here. Why?"
12875 "I rilly don't know," said Bernard.
12876 "Was it the doctors there? The doctors you didn't like?"
12877 "The doctus? Nah, the doctus I can't complain."
12878 "The test or the room?"
12879 "The tests or the room? Vell, nah, about them I can't complain."
12880 "The nurses? The food?" asked Fats, but Bernard shook his head no.
12881 Fats laughed and said, "Listen, Bernie, you went to the MBH, they did this
12882 great workup, and when I asked you shy you came to the House of God, all you
12883 tell me is, 'Nah, I can't complain.' So why did you come here? Why, Bernie,
12885 "Vhy I come heah? Vell, said Bernie, "Heah I can complain."
12888 Bershere's Formula for Failure:
12889 There are only two kinds of people who fail: those who
12890 listen to nobody... and those who listen to everybody.
12892 Besides the device, the box should contain:
12893 * Eight little rectangular snippets of paper that say "WARNING"
12894 * A plastic packet containing four 5/17 inch pilfer grommets
12895 and two club-ended 6/93 inch boxcar prawns.
12897 YOU WILL NEED TO SUPPLY: a matrix wrench and 60,000 feet of tram cable.
12899 IF ANYTHING IS DAMAGED OR MISSING: You IMMEDIATELY should turn to your
12900 spouse and say: "Margaret, you know why this country can't make a car
12901 that can get all the way through the drive-through at Burger King
12902 without a major transmission overhaul? Because nobody cares, that's
12905 WARNING: This is assuming your spouse's name is Margaret.
12906 -- Dave Barry, "Read This First!"
12908 Best Beer: A panel of tasters assembled by the Consumer's Union in 1969
12909 judged Coors and Miller's High Life to be among the very best. Those who
12910 doubt that beer is a serious subject might ponder its effect on American
12911 history. For example, New England's first colonists decided to drop anchor
12912 at Plymouth Rock instead of continuing on to Virginia because, as one of
12913 them put it, "We could not now take time for further consideration, our
12914 victuals being spent and especially our beer."
12915 -- Felton & Fowler's Best, Worst & Most Unusual
12917 Best Mistakes In Films
12918 In his "Filgoer's Companion", Mr. Leslie Halliwell helpfully lists
12919 four of the cinema's greatest moments which you should get to see if at all
12921 In "Carmen Jones", the camera tracks with Dorothy Dandridge down a
12922 street; and the entire film crew is reflected in the shop window.
12923 In "The Wrong Box", the roofs of Victorian London are emblazoned
12924 with television aerials.
12925 In "Decameron Nights", Louis Jourdain stands on the deck of his
12926 fourteenth century pirate ship; and a white lorry trundles down the hill
12928 In "Viking Queen", set in the times of Boadicea, a wrist watch is
12929 clearly visible on one of the leading characters.
12930 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
12932 Best of all is never to have been born. Second best is to die soon.
12935 To voluntarily entrust one's data, one's livelihood and one's
12936 sanity to hardware or software intended to destroy all three.
12937 In earlier days, virgins were often selected to beta test volcanos.
12939 Better by far you should forget and
12940 smile than that you should remember and be sad.
12941 -- Christina Rossetti
12943 Better dead than mellow.
12945 Better hope the life-inspector doesn't come
12946 around while you have your life in such a mess.
12948 Better hope you get what you want before you stop wanting it.
12950 Better late than never.
12951 -- Titus Livius (Livy)
12953 Better living a beggar than buried an emperor.
12958 santa claus <north pole >town
12960 cat /etc/passwd >list
12963 cat list | grep naughty >nogiftlist
12964 cat list | grep nice >giftlist
12965 santa claus <north pole >town
12967 who | grep sleeping
12969 who | egrep 'bad|good'
12970 for (goodness sake) {
12974 Better the prince of some inferior court,
12975 Than second, or less, in beatific light.
12976 -- Lucifer, Joost van den Vondel's "Lucifer"
12978 Better to be nouveau than never to have been riche at all.
12980 Better to light one candle than to curse the darkness.
12981 -- motto of the Christopher Society
12983 Better to use medicines at the outset than at the last moment.
12985 Better tried by twelve than carried by six.
12988 Between 1950 and 1952, a bored weatherman, stationed north of Hudson
12989 Bay, left a monument that neither government nor time can eradicate.
12990 Using a bulldozer abandoned by the Air Force, he spent two years and
12991 great effort pushing boulders into a single word.
12993 It can be seen from 10,000 feet, silhouetted against the snow.
12994 Government officials exchanged memos full of circumlocutions (no Latin
12995 equivalent exists) but failed to word an appropriation bill for the
12996 destruction of this cairn, that wouldn't alert the press and embarrass
12997 both Parliament and Party.
12999 It stands today, a monument to human spirit. If life exists on other
13000 planets, this may be the first message received from us.
13001 -- The Realist, November, 1964
13003 Between grand theft and a legal fee, there only stands a law degree.
13005 Between infinite and short there is a big difference.
13013 -- T. S. Eliot, "The Hollow Man"
13015 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
13016 referring to system service dispatching.]
13018 BEWARE! People acting under the influence of human nature.
13020 Beware of a dark-haired man with a loud tie.
13022 Beware of a tall black man with one blond shoe.
13024 Beware of a tall blond man with one black shoe.
13026 Beware of all enterprises that require new clothes, and not rather
13027 a new wearer of clothes.
13028 -- Henry David Thoreau
13032 Beware of bugs in the above code;
13033 I have only proved it correct, not tried it.
13036 Beware of computerized fortune-tellers!
13038 Beware of geeks bearing graft.
13040 Beware of low-flying butterflies.
13042 Beware of mathematicians and all those who make empty prophecies. The
13043 danger already exists that the mathematicians have made covenant with
13044 the devil to darken the spirit and to confine man in the bonds of hell.
13047 Beware of Programmers who carry screwdrivers.
13048 -- Leonard Brandwein
13050 Beware of self-styled experts: an ex is a has-been, and a spurt is a
13051 drip under pressure.
13053 Beware of strong drink. It can make you
13054 shoot at tax collectors -- and miss.
13055 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough For Love"
13057 Beware of the man who knows the answer before he understands the question.
13059 "Beware of the man who works hard to learn something, learns it, and
13060 finds himself no wiser than before," Bokonon tells us. "He is full of
13061 murderous resentment of people who are ignorant without having come by
13062 their ignorance the hard way."
13063 -- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr., "Cat's Cradle"
13065 Beware of the Turing Tar-pit in which everything
13066 is possible but nothing of interest is easy.
13068 Beware the new TTY code!
13070 Beware the one behind you.
13073 When *everybody* thinks you're a pervert.
13075 Bierman's Laws of Contracts:
13076 (1) In any given document, you can't cover all the "what if's".
13077 (2) Lawyers stay in business resolving all the unresolved "what if's".
13078 (3) Every resolved "what if" creates two unresolved "what if's".
13080 Big book, big bore.
13083 Big M, Little M, many mumbling mice
13084 Are making midnight music in the moonlight,
13087 Bigamy is having one spouse too many. Monogamy is the same.
13089 Biggest security gap -- an open mouth.
13092 You cannot count friends that are all packed up in barrels.
13094 Bill Dickey is learning me his experience.
13095 -- Yogi Berra in his rookie season
13097 Billy: Mom, you know that vase you said was handed down from
13098 generation to generation?
13100 Billy: Well, this generation dropped it.
13103 Possessing the ability to have friends of both sexes.
13105 Bingo, gas station, hamburger with a side order of airplane noise,
13106 and you'll be Gary, Indiana.
13107 -- Jessie, "Greaser's Palace"
13110 Don't try to stem the tide -- move the beach.
13112 Biology grows on you.
13114 Biology is the only science in which multiplication means the same
13118 Refers to someone who has homes in Nome, Alaska, and Buffalo,
13121 Birds and bees have as much to do with the facts of life as black
13122 nightgowns do with keeping warm.
13123 -- Hester Mundis, "Powermom"
13125 Birds are entangled by their feet and men by their tongues.
13128 The first and direst of all disasters.
13129 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
13131 Birthdays are like busses, never the number you want.
13133 Bistromathics is simply a revolutionary new way of understanding the
13134 behavior of numbers. Just as Einstein observed that space was not an
13135 absolute, but depended on the observer's movement in space, and that
13136 time was not an absolute, but depended on the observer's movement in
13137 time, so it is now realized that numbers are not absolute, but depend
13138 on the observer's movement in restaurants.
13142 A unit of measure applied to color. Twenty-four-bit color
13143 refers to expensive $3 color as opposed to the cheaper 25
13144 cent, or two-bit, color that use to be available a few years
13147 Bit off more than my mind could chew,
13148 Shower or suicide, what do I do?
13149 -- Julie Brown, "Will I Make it Through the Eighties?"
13153 Bizarreness is the essence of the exotic.
13156 The millions of tiny individual bumps that make up a
13158 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
13160 Black people have never rioted. A riot is what white people think blacks
13161 are involved in when they burn stores.
13164 Black shiny mollies and bright colored guppies,
13165 Shy little angels as gentle as puppies,
13166 Swimming and diving with scarcely a swish,
13167 They were just some of my tropical fish.
13169 Then I got mantas that sting in the water,
13170 Deadly piranhas that itch for a slaughter,
13171 Savage male betas that bite with a squish,
13172 Now I have many less tropical fish.
13176 That's an empty wish.
13177 Just dump them together
13178 And leave them alone,
13179 And soon you will have -- no fish.
13180 -- To My Favorite Things
13182 Blackout, heatwave, .44 caliber homicide,
13183 The bums drop dead and the dogs go mad in packs on the West Side,
13184 A young girl standing on a ledge, looks like another suicide,
13185 She wants to hit those bricks,
13186 'cause the news at six got to stick to a deadline,
13187 While the millionaires hide in Beekman place,
13188 The bag ladies throw their bones in my face,
13189 I get attacked by a kid with stereo sound,
13190 I don't want to hear it but he won't turn it down...
13191 -- Billy Joel, "Glass Houses"
13193 Blame Saint Andreas -- it's all his fault.
13195 Blessed are the forgetful: for they
13196 get the better even of their blunders.
13197 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
13199 Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt.
13202 Blessed are they that have nothing to say, and who cannot be persuaded
13204 -- James Russell Lowell
13206 Blessed are they who Go Around in Circles,
13207 for they Shall be Known as Wheels.
13209 Blessed is he who expects no gratitude, for he shall not be disappointed.
13212 Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed.
13215 Blessed is he who has reached the point of no return and knows it,
13216 for he shall enjoy living.
13219 Blessed is the man who, having nothing to say,
13220 abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact.
13223 Blinding speed can compensate for a lot of deficiencies.
13226 BLISS is ignorance.
13229 Using anything BUT a hammer to hammer a nail into the
13230 wall, such as shoes, lamp bases, doorstops, etc.
13231 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
13233 Blood flows down one leg and up the other.
13235 Blood is thicker than water, and much tastier.
13237 Bloom's Seventh Law of Litigation:
13238 The judge's jokes are always funny.
13241 Given a choice between two theories, take the one which is
13244 Blow it out your ear.
13247 [Funny to Jack Slingwine, Guy Harris and Hal Pierson. Ed.]
13250 Nothing is impossible for the man who will not listen to reason.
13252 Board the windows, up your car insurance, and don't leave any booze in
13253 plain sight. It's St. Patrick's day in Chicago again. The legend has
13254 it that St. Patrick drove the snakes out of Ireland. In fact, he was
13255 arrested for drunk driving. The snakes left because people kept
13256 throwing up on them.
13258 Body by Nautilus, Brain by Mattel.
13260 Boling's postulate:
13261 If you're feeling good, don't worry. You'll get over it.
13263 Bolub's Fourth Law of Computerdom:
13264 Project teams detest weekly progress reporting because it so
13265 vividly manifests their lack of progress.
13267 Bombeck's Rule of Medicine:
13268 Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
13270 Bond reflected that good Americans were fine people and that most of them
13271 seemed to come from Texas.
13272 -- Ian Fleming, "Casino Royale"
13274 Bondage maybe, discipline never!
13277 Bones: "The man's DEAD, Jim!"
13279 BOO! We changed Coke again! BLEAH! BLEAH!
13282 You always find something in the last place you look.
13285 An ounce of application is worth a ton of abstraction.
13288 A guy who wraps up a two-minute idea in a two-hour vocabulary.
13292 A person who talks when you wish him to listen.
13293 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
13296 (1) When in charge, ponder.
13297 (2) When in trouble, delegate.
13298 (3) When in doubt, mumble.
13301 According to the Oxford English Dictionary, in the Middle Ages
13302 the words "boss" and "botch" were largely synonymous, except that boss,
13303 in addition to meaning "a supervisor of workers" also meant "an
13307 An outdoor Betty Ford Clinic.
13310 Ludwig van Beethoven being jeered by 50,000 sports fans for
13311 finishing second in the Irish jig competition.
13313 Boston State House is the hub of the Solar System. You couldn't pry
13314 that out of a Boston man if you had the tire of all creation
13315 straightened out for a crowbar.
13318 Both models are identical in performance, functional operation, and
13319 interface circuit details. The two models, however, are not compatible
13320 on the same communications line connection.
13321 -- Bell System Technical Reference
13323 Boucher's Observation:
13324 He who blows his own horn always plays the music
13325 several octaves higher than originally written.
13327 Bounders get bound when they are caught bounding.
13331 Talent goes where the action is.
13334 If an experiment works, you must be using the wrong equipment.
13338 Boy, get your head out of the stars above,
13339 You get the maximum pleasure from a minimum of love.
13340 Save your heart and let your body be enough,
13341 To get the maximum pleasure from a minimum of love.
13342 Save your heart and let your body be enough,
13343 And get the maximum pleasure from a minimum of love.
13344 -- Mac Macinelli, "Minimum Love"
13346 Boy, I sure wish that I could be in the
13347 'Advanced Systems Development' group!
13349 Boy, life takes a long time to live.
13353 A noise with dirt on it.
13355 Boy, that crayon sure did hurt!
13357 Boycott meat - suck your thumb.
13359 Boys are beyond the range of anybody's sure understanding, at least
13360 when they are between the ages of 18 months and 90 years.
13363 Boys will be boys, and so will a lot of middle-aged men.
13366 Bozo is the Brotherhood of Zips and Others. Bozos are people who band
13367 together for fun and profit. They have no jobs. Anybody who goes on a
13368 tour is a Bozo. Why does a Bozo cross the street? Because there's a Bozo
13369 on the other side. It comes from the phrase vos otros, meaning others.
13370 They're the huge, fat, middle waist. The archetype is an Irish drunk
13371 clown with red hair and nose, and pale skin. Fields, William Bendix.
13372 Everybody tends to drift toward Bozoness. It has Oz in it. They mean
13373 well. They're straight-looking except they've got inflatable shoes. They
13374 like their comforts. The Bozos have learned to enjoy their free time,
13375 which is all the time.
13376 -- Firesign Theatre, "If Bees Lived Inside Your Head"
13378 Brace yourselves. We're about to try something that borders on the unique:
13379 an actually rather serious technical book which is not only (gasp) vehemently
13380 anti-Solemn, but also (shudder) takes sides. I tend to think of it as
13381 `Constructive Snottiness.'
13382 -- Mike Padlipsky, "Elements of Networking Style"
13384 Brace yourselves. We're about to try something that borders on the
13385 unique: an actually rather serious technical book which is not only
13386 (gasp) vehemently anti-Solemn, but also (shudder) takes sides. I tend
13387 to think of it as `Constructive Snottiness.'
13388 -- Mike Padlipsky, Foreword to "Elements of Networking
13392 If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a
13393 committee -- that will do them in.
13395 Brady's First Law of Problem Solving:
13396 When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more
13397 easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger have
13400 Brahma said: Well, after hearing ten thousand explanations, a fool is no
13401 wiser. But an intelligent man needs only two thousand five hundred.
13404 Brain fried -- Core dumped
13407 The apparatus with which we think that we think.
13408 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
13410 Brain, v. [as in "to brain"]:
13411 To rebuke bluntly, but not pointedly; to dispel a source of
13412 error in an opponent.
13413 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
13415 brain-damaged, generalization of "Honeywell Brain Damage" (HBD), a
13416 theoretical disease invented to explain certain utter cretinisms in
13418 Obviously wrong; cretinous; demented. There is an implication
13419 that the person responsible must have suffered brain damage,
13420 because he/she should have known better. Calling something
13421 brain-damaged is bad; it also implies it is unusable.
13423 Brandy Davis, an outfielder and teammate of mine with the Pittsburgh Pirates,
13424 is my choice for team captain. Cincinnati was beating us 3-1, and I led
13425 off the bottom of the eighth with a walk. The next hitter banged a hard
13426 single to right field. Feeling the wind at my back, I rounded second and
13427 kept going, sliding safely into third base.
13428 With runners at first and third, and home-run hitter Ralph Kiner at
13429 bat, our manager put in the fast Brandy Davis to run for the player at first.
13430 Even with Kiner hitting and a change to win the game with a home run, Brandy
13431 took off for second and made it. Now we had runners at second and third.
13432 I'm standing at third, knowing I'm not going anywhere, and see Brandy
13433 start to take a lead. All of a sudden, here he comes. He makes a great slide
13434 into third, and I scream, "Brandy, where are you going?" He looks up, and
13435 shouts, "Back to second if I can make it."
13436 -- Joe Garagiola, "It's Anybody's Ball Game"
13438 Brandy-and-water spoils two good things.
13441 Breadth-first search is the bulldozer of science.
13444 Break into jail and claim police brutality.
13446 Breast Feeding should not be attempted by fathers with hairy chests,
13447 since they can make the baby sneeze and give it wind.
13448 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
13450 Breathe deep the gathering gloom.
13451 Watch lights fade from every room.
13452 Bed-sitter people look back and lament;
13453 another day's useless energies spent.
13455 Impassioned lovers wrestle as one.
13456 Lonely man cries for love and has none.
13457 New mother picks up and suckles her son.
13458 Senior citizens wish they were young.
13460 Cold-hearted orb that rules the night;
13461 Removes the colors from our sight.
13462 Red is grey and yellow white.
13463 But we decide which is real, and which is an illusion."
13464 -- The Moody Blues, "Days of Future Passed"
13466 Breeding rabbits is a hare raising experience.
13469 A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.
13470 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
13472 Bridge ahead. Pay troll.
13475 A trial where the jury gets together and forms a lynching party.
13477 Briefly stated, the findings are that when presented with an array of
13478 data or a sequence of events in which they are instructed to discover
13479 an underlying order, subjects show strong tendencies to perceive order
13480 and causality in random arrays, to perceive a pattern or correlation
13481 which seems a priori intuitively correct even when the actual correlation
13482 in the data is counterintuitive, to jump to conclusions about the correct
13483 hypothesis, to seek and to use only positive or confirmatory evidence, to
13484 construe evidence liberally as confirmatory, to fail to generate or to
13485 assess alternative hypotheses, and having thus managed to expose themselves
13486 only to confirmatory instances, to be fallaciously confident of the validity
13487 of their judgments (Jahoda, 1969; Einhorn and Hogarth, 1978). In the
13488 analyzing of past events, these tendencies are exacerbated by failure to
13489 appreciate the pitfalls of post hoc analyses.
13491 Brillineggiava, ed i tovoli slati
13492 girlavano ghimbanti nella vaba;
13493 i borogovi eran tutti mimanti
13494 e la moma radeva fuorigraba.
13496 "Figliuolo mio, sta' attento al Gibrovacco,
13497 dagli artigli e dal morso lacerante;
13498 fuggi l'uccello Giuggiolo, e nel sacco
13499 metti infine il frumioso Bandifante".
13500 -- "The Jabberwock"
13502 Bringing computers into the home won't change either one, but may
13503 revitalize the corner saloon.
13505 Brisk talkers are usually slow thinkers. There is, indeed, no wild beast
13506 more to be dreaded than a communicative man having nothing to communicate.
13507 If you are civil to the voluble, they will abuse your patience; if
13508 brusque, your character.
13511 British education is probably the best in the world, if you can survive
13512 it. If you can't there is nothing left for you but the diplomatic corps.
13515 British Israelites:
13516 The British Israelites believe the white Anglo-Saxons of
13517 Britain to be descended from the ten lost tribes of Israel deported by
13518 Sargon of Assyria on the fall of Sumeria in 721 B.C. ... They further
13519 believe that the future can be foretold by the measurements of the
13520 Great Pyramid, which probably means it will be big and yellow and in
13521 the hand of the Arabs. They also believe that if you sleep with your
13522 head under the pillow a fairy will come and take all your teeth.
13523 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
13525 Broad-mindedness, n.:
13526 The result of flattening high-mindedness out.
13529 People tend to congregate in the back
13530 of the church and the front of the bus.
13533 Someone who buys stocks on the advice of a broker.
13535 Brontosaurus Principle:
13536 Organizations can grow faster than their brains can manage them
13537 in relation to their environment and to their own physiology: when
13538 this occurs, they are an endangered species.
13539 -- Thomas K. Connellan
13542 Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool
13543 discovers something which either abolishes the system or expands it
13544 beyond recognition.
13547 Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later
13550 1: Kill by nailing onto style(9); "David O'Brien was brucified"
13551 2: Annoy constantly by reminding of potential improvements
13552 [syn: {torment}, {rag}, {tantalize}, {bedevil}, {dun},
13554 3: Fix problems that were indicated in an earlier brucification
13555 (of one of the two other meanings).
13556 The word 'brucify' originally comes from the style-reviews of Bruce
13557 Evans of the FreeBSD project, but is now also sometimes used for
13558 reviews just done in his spirit.
13560 BS: You remind me of a man.
13562 BS: The man with the power.
13564 BS: The power of voodoo.
13568 BS: Remind me of a man.
13570 BS: The man with the power...
13571 -- Cary Grant, "The Bachelor and the Bobby-Soxer"
13574 A derogatory term, usually referring to a person's
13575 intelligence. See also "vacuum tube".
13577 Buck-passing usually turns out to be a boomerang.
13580 Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man.
13583 An aspect of a computer program which exists because the
13584 programmer was thinking about Jumbo Jacks or stock options when s/he
13587 Fortunately, the second-to-last bug has just been fixed.
13591 An elusive creature living in a program that makes it incorrect.
13592 The activity of "debugging," or removing bugs from a program, ends when
13593 people get tired of doing it, not when the bugs are removed.
13594 -- "Datamation", January 15, 1984
13597 Small living things that small living boys throw on small
13600 Build a system that even a fool can use
13601 and only a fool will want to use it.
13603 Building translators is good clean fun.
13606 BULLWINKLE: "You just leave that to my pal. He's the brains of the
13608 GENERAL: "What does that make YOU?"
13609 BULLWINKLE: "What else? An executive..."
13610 -- Jay Ward , "Rocky and Bullwinkle"
13613 All the parts falling off this car are
13614 of the very finest British manufacture.
13616 Bunker's Admonition:
13617 You cannot buy beer; you can only rent it.
13620 The obsessive act of opening and closing a refrigerator door in
13621 an attempt to catch it before the automatic light comes on.
13622 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
13624 Bureau Termination, Law of:
13625 When a government bureau is scheduled to be phased out,
13626 the number of employees in that bureau will double within
13627 12 months after the decision is made.
13630 A method for transforming energy into solid waste.
13633 A person who cuts red tape sideways.
13637 A politician who has tenure.
13639 Bureaucrats cut red tape -- lengthwise.
13641 Burke's Postulates:
13642 Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
13643 Don't create a problem for which you do not have the answer.
13645 Burn's Hog Weighing Method:
13646 (1) Get a perfectly symmetrical plank and balance it across a
13648 (2) Put the hog on one end of the plank.
13649 (3) Pile rocks on the other end until the plank is again
13650 perfectly balanced.
13651 (4) Carefully guess the weight of the rocks.
13654 Burnt Sienna. That's the best thing that ever happened to Crayolas.
13657 Bus error -- driver executed.
13659 Bus error -- please leave by the rear door.
13661 Bushydo -- the way of the shrub. Bonsai!
13663 Business is a good game -- lots of competition
13664 and minimum of rules. You keep score with money.
13665 -- Nolan Bushnell, founder of Atari
13667 Business will be either better or worse.
13670 ...but as records of courts and justice are admissible, it can easily be
13671 proved that powerful and malevolent magicians once existed and were a scourge
13672 to mankind. The evidence (including confession) upon which certain women
13673 were convicted of witchcraft and executed was without a flaw; it is still
13674 unimpeachable. The judges' decisions based on it were sound in logic and
13675 in law. Nothing in any existing court was ever more thoroughly proved than
13676 the charges of witchcraft and sorcery for which so many suffered death. If
13677 there were no witches, human testimony and human reason are alike destitute
13681 But Captain -- the engines can't take this much longer!
13683 "But don't you worry, its for a cause -- feeding global corporations
13686 But, for my own part, it was Greek to me.
13687 -- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar"
13689 But has any little atom,
13690 While a-sittin' and a-splittin',
13691 Ever stopped to think or CARE
13694 "But Huey, you PROMISED!"
13697 But I always fired into the nearest hill or, failing that, into blackness.
13698 I meant no harm; I just liked the explosions. And I was careful never to
13699 kill more than I could eat.
13702 But I don't like Spam!!!!
13704 "But I don't want to go on the cart..."
13705 "Oh, don't be such a baby!"
13706 "But I'm feeling much better..."
13707 "No you're not... in a moment you'll be stone dead!"
13708 -- Monty Python, "The Holy Grail"
13710 But I find the old notions somehow appealing. Not that I want to go
13711 back to them -- it is outrageous to have some outer authority tell you
13712 what is proper use and abuse of your own faculties, and it is ludicrous
13713 to hold reason higher than body or feeling. Still there is something
13714 true and profoundly sane about the belief that acts like murder or
13715 theft or assault violate the doer as well as the done to. We might
13716 even, if we thought this way, have less crime. The popular view of
13717 crime, as far as I can deduce it from the movies and television, is
13718 that it is a breaking of a rule by someone who thinks they can get away
13719 with that; implicitly, everyone would like to break the rule, but not
13720 everyone is arrogant enough to imagine they can get away with it. It
13721 therefore becomes very important for the rule upholders to bring such
13723 -- Marilyn French, "The Woman's Room"
13725 But if you wish at once to do nothing and to be respectable
13726 nowadays, the best pretext is to be at work on some profound study.
13727 -- Leslie Stephen, "Sketches from Cambridge"
13729 But in our enthusiasm, we could not resist a radical overhaul of the
13730 system, in which all of its major weaknesses have been exposed,
13731 analyzed, and replaced with new weaknesses.
13733 "Register Allocation in Optimizing Compilers"
13738 But like the Good Book says... There's BIGGER DEALS to come!
13740 But, Mousie, thou art no thy lane,
13741 In proving foresight may be vain:
13742 The best laid schemes o' mice an' men
13744 An' lea'e us nought but grief and pain
13746 -- Robert Burns, "To a Mouse", 1785
13748 But, officer, he's not drunk, I just saw his fingers twitch!
13750 But Officer, I stopped for the last one, and it was green!
13752 "But officer, I was only trying to gain enough speed so I could coast
13753 to the nearest gas station."
13755 But scientists, who ought to know
13756 Assure us that it must be so.
13757 Oh, let us never, never doubt
13758 What nobody is sure about.
13761 But sex and drugs and rock & roll, why, they'd bring our blackest day.
13763 But since I knew now that I could hope for nothing of greater value than
13764 frivolous pleasures, what point was there in denying myself of them?
13767 But soft you, the fair Ophelia:
13768 Ope not thy ponderous and marble jaws,
13769 But get thee to a nunnery -- go!
13770 -- Mark "The Bard" Twain
13772 But the greatest Electrical Pioneer of them all was Thomas Edison, who
13773 was a brilliant inventor despite the fact that he had little formal
13774 education and lived in New Jersey. Edison's first major invention in
13775 1877, was the phonograph, which could soon be found in thousands of
13776 American homes, where it basically sat until 1923, when the record was
13777 invented. But Edison's greatest achievement came in 1879, when he
13778 invented the electric company. Edison's design was a brilliant
13779 adaptation of the simple electrical circuit: the electric company sends
13780 electricity through a wire to a customer, then immediately gets the
13781 electricity back through another wire, then (this is the brilliant
13782 part) sends it right back to the customer again.
13784 This means that an electric company can sell a customer the same batch
13785 of electricity thousands of times a day and never get caught, since
13786 very few customers take the time to examine their electricity closely.
13787 In fact the last year any new electricity was generated in the United
13788 States was 1937; the electric companies have been merely re-selling it
13789 ever since, which is why they have so much free time to apply for rate
13791 -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"
13793 But these pills can't be habit forming;
13794 I've been taking them for years.
13796 But this has taken us far afield from interface, which is not a bad
13797 place to be, since I particularly want to move ahead to the kludge.
13798 Why do people have so much trouble understanding the kludge? What is a
13799 kludge, after all, but not enough Ks, not enough ROMs, not enough RAMs,
13800 poor quality interface and too few bytes to go around? Have I
13801 explained yet about the bytes?
13803 "But what we need to know is, do people want nasally-insertable
13806 But you shall not escape my iambics.
13807 -- Gaius Valerius Catullus
13809 But you who live on dreams, you are better pleased with the sophistical
13810 reasoning and frauds of talkers about great and uncertain matters than
13811 those who speak of certain and natural matters, not of such lofty nature.
13812 -- Leonardo da Vinci, "The Codex on the Flight of Birds"
13814 Buzz off, Banana Nose; Relieve mine eyes
13815 Of hateful soreness, purge mine ears of corn;
13816 Less dear than army ants in apple pies
13817 Art thou, old prune-face, with thy chestnuts worn,
13818 Dropt from thy peeling lips like lousy fruit;
13819 Like honeybees upon the perfum'd rose
13820 They suck, and like the double-breasted suit
13821 Are out of date; therefore, Banana Nose,
13822 Go fly a kite, thy welcome's overstayed;
13823 And stem the produce of thy waspish wits:
13824 Thy logick, like thy locks, is disarrayed;
13825 Thy cheer, like thy complexion, is the pits.
13826 Be off, I say; go bug somebody new,
13827 Scram, beat it, get thee hence, and nuts to you.
13830 The fly in the ointment of computer literacy.
13832 By doing just a little every day, you can gradually let the task
13833 completely overwhelm you.
13835 By failing to prepare, you are preparing to fail.
13837 By long-standing tradition, I take this opportunity to savage other
13838 designers in the thin disguise of good, clean fun.
13839 -- P. J. Plauger, "Computer Language", 1988, April
13842 By nature, men are nearly alike;
13843 by practice, they get to be wide apart.
13846 "By necessity, by proclivity, and by delight, we all quote.
13847 In fact, it is as difficult to appropriate the thoughts of others
13848 as it is to invent. (R. Emerson)"
13849 -- Quoted from a fortune cookie program
13850 (whose author claims, "Actually, stealing IS easier.")
13851 [to which I reply, "You think it's easy for me to
13852 misconstrue all these misquotations?!?" Ed.]
13854 By perseverance the snail reached the Ark.
13855 -- Charles Spurgeon
13857 By protracting life, we do not deduct one jot from the duration of death.
13858 -- Titus Lucretius Carus
13860 "By the time they had diminished from 50 to 8, the other dwarves began
13861 to suspect 'Hungry' ..."
13862 -- Gary Larson, "The Far Side"
13864 By the time you swear you're his,
13865 shivering and sighing
13866 and he vows his passion is
13867 infinite, undying --
13868 Lady, make a note of this:
13869 One of you is lying.
13870 -- Dorothy Parker, "Unfortunate Coincidence"
13872 By the yard, life is hard.
13873 By the inch, it's a cinch.
13875 By trying, we can easily learn to endure adversity -- another man's, I
13879 By working faithfully eight hours a day,
13880 you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve.
13884 Believing Your Own Bull
13886 Bypasses are devices that allow some people to dash from point A to
13887 point B very fast while other people dash from point B to point A very
13888 fast. People living at point C, being a point directly in between, are
13889 often given to wonder what's so great about point A that so many people
13890 from point B are so keen to get there and what's so great about point B
13891 that so many people from point A are so keen to get _____
\b\b\b\b\bthere. They often
13892 wish that people would just once and for all work out where the hell
13894 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
13896 BYTE editors are people who separate the wheat from the chaff, and then
13897 carefully print the chaff.
13908 C++ is the best example of second-system effect since OS/360.
13910 C makes it easy for you to shoot yourself in the foot. C++ makes that
13911 harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.
13912 -- Bjarne Stroustrup
13915 A programming language that is sort of like Pascal except more
13916 like assembly except that it isn't very much like either one, or
13917 anything else. It is either the best language available to the art
13918 today, or it isn't.
13922 A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as
13924 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
13926 Cable is not a luxury, since many areas have poor TV reception.
13927 -- The mayor of Tucson, Arizona, 1989
13930 A very expensive part of the memory system of a computer that no one
13931 is supposed to know is there.
13934 When all else fails, read the instructions.
13936 California is a fine place to live -- if you happen to be an orange.
13940 From Latin "calor", meaning "heat" (as in English "calorie" or
13941 Spanish "caliente"); and "fornia'" for "sexual intercourse" or
13942 "fornication." Hence: Tierra de California, "the land of hot sex."
13945 Californians are a strange people. They'll put every chemical known to God
13946 and man up their nostrils and then laugh at you for putting sugar in your
13949 Call on God, but row away from the rocks.
13952 Call things by their right names... Glass of brandy and water! That is the
13953 current but not the appropriate name: ask for a glass of fire and distilled
13955 -- Robert Hall, in Olinthus Gregory's, "Brief Memoir of the
13958 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
13959 referring to logical names.]
13961 "Calling J-Man Kink. Calling J-Man Kink. Hash missile sighted, target
13962 Los Angeles. Disregard personal feelings about city and intercept."
13964 Calling J-Man Kink. Calling J-Man Kink. Hash missle sighted, target
13965 Los Angeles. Disregard personal feelings about city and intercept.
13967 Calling you stupid is an insult to stupid people!
13968 -- Wanda, "A Fish Called Wanda"
13970 Calm down, it's *only* ones and zeroes.
13972 Calm down, it's only ones and zeroes,
13973 Calm down, it's only bits and bytes,
13974 Calm down, and speak to me in English,
13975 Please realize that I'm not one of your computerites.
13977 Calvin: "I wonder where we go when we die."
13978 Hobbes: "Pittsburgh?"
13979 Calvin: "You mean if we're good or if we're bad?"
13981 Calvin Coolidge looks as if he had been weaned on a pickle.
13982 -- Alice Roosevelt Longworth
13984 Calvin Coolidge was the greatest man who ever came out of Plymouth
13989 Nature abhors a vacuous experimenter.
13991 Campus crusade for Cthulhu -- it found me.
13993 Campus sidewalks never exist as the straightest line between two
13997 Can anyone remember when the times
13998 were not hard, and money not scarce?
14000 Can anything be sadder than work left unfinished?
14001 Yes, work never begun.
14003 Can you buy friendship? You not only can, you must. It's the
14004 only way to obtain friends. Everything worthwhile has a price.
14005 -- Robert J. Ringer
14007 Canada Bill Jones's Motto:
14008 It's morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money.
14010 Canada Bill Jones's Supplement:
14011 A Smith and Wesson beats four aces.
14013 Canada Post doesn't really charge 32 cents for a stamp.
14014 It's 2 cents for postage and 30 cents for storage.
14015 -- Gerald Regan, Cabinet Minister, 12/31/83 Financial Post
14017 Cancel me not -- for what then shall remain?
14018 Abscissas, some mantissas, modules, modes,
14019 A root or two, a torus and a node:
14020 The inverse of my verse, a null domain.
14021 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
14023 CANCER (June 21 - July 22)
14024 This is a good time for those of you who are rich and happy,
14025 but a poor time for those of you born under this sign who are
14026 poor and unhappy. To tell you the truth, any day is tough
14027 when you're poor and unhappy.
14029 CANCER (June 21 - July 22)
14030 You are sympathetic and understanding to other people's
14031 problems. They think you are a sucker. You are always putting things
14032 off. That's why you'll never make anything of yourself. Most welfare
14033 recipients are Cancer people.
14036 The usual or standard state or manner of something. A true
14037 story: One Bob Sjoberg, new at the MIT AI Lab, expressed some
14038 annoyance at the use of jargon. Over his loud objections, we made a
14039 point of using jargon as much as possible in his presence, and
14040 eventually it began to sink in. Finally, in one conversation, he used
14041 the word "canonical" in jargon-like fashion without thinking.
14042 Steele: "Aha! We've finally got you talking jargon too!"
14043 Stallman: "What did he say?"
14044 Steele: "He just used `canonical' in the canonical way."
14046 Can't act. Slightly bald. Also dances.
14047 -- RKO executive, reacting to Fred Astaire's screen test.
14048 Cerf/Navasky, "The Experts Speak"
14050 Can't open /usr/fortunes. Lid stuck on cookie jar.
14052 Can't open /usr/games/lib/fortunes.dat.
14054 Capitalism is the extraordinary belief that the nastiest of men, for
14055 the nastiest of reasons, will somehow work for the benefit of us all.
14056 -- John Maynard Keynes
14058 CAPRICORN (Dec 22 - Jan 19)
14059 Play your hunches. This is a day when luck will play an important
14060 part in your life. If you were smarter, you wouldn't need so much
14061 luck and you wouldn't be reading your horoscope, either. You are
14062 a suspicious person, and it will occur to you that astrologers
14063 don't know what they're talking about any more than your Aunt Martha.
14065 CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 to Jan. 19)
14066 Follow your instincts. You are much too scatterbrained to do anything
14067 else, such as think. Romance is in the air, but not for you, so forget
14068 it. That pimple on the end of your nose will get worse.
14070 CAPRICORN (Dec 23 - Jan 19)
14071 You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You don't do
14072 much of anything and are lazy. There has never been a Capricorn of any
14073 importance. Capricorns should avoid standing still for too long as
14074 they tend to take root and become trees.
14076 Captain Penny's Law:
14077 You can fool all of the people some of the time, and some of
14078 the people all of the time, but you Can't Fool Mom.
14080 Captain's Log, star date 21:34.5...
14082 Carelessly planned projects take three times longer to complete than
14083 expected. Carefully planned projects take four times longer to
14084 complete than expected, mostly because the planners expect their
14085 planning to reduce the time it takes.
14087 Carmel, New York, has an ordinance forbidding men to wear coats and
14088 trousers that don't match.
14090 Carney's Law: There's at least a 50-50 chance that someone will print
14091 the name Craney incorrectly.
14094 Carob works on the principle that, when mixed with the right combination of
14095 fats and sugar, it can duplicate chocolate in color and texture. Of course,
14096 the same can be said of dirt.
14098 Carperpetuation (kar' pur pet u a shun), n.:
14099 The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string at least a
14100 dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then
14101 putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.
14102 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
14104 Carson's Consolation:
14105 Nothing is ever a complete failure.
14106 It can always be used as a bad example.
14108 Carson's Observation on Footwear:
14109 If the shoe fits, buy the other one too.
14111 Carswell's Corollary:
14112 Whenever man comes up with a better mousetrap,
14113 nature invariably comes up with a better mouse.
14116 Lapwarmer with built-in buzzer.
14118 Catch a wave and you're sitting on top of the world.
14121 Catharsis is something I associate with pornography and crossword puzzles.
14124 Catproof is an oxymoron, childproof nearly so.
14126 Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a function.
14127 -- Garrison Keillor
14129 Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't make eight cats pull
14130 a sled through the snow.
14132 Cats, no less liquid than their shadows, offer no angles to the wind.
14134 Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education.
14135 -- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson"
14137 Caution: Breathing may be hazardous to your health.
14139 Caution: Keep out of reach of children.
14141 CChheecckk yyoouurr dduupplleexx sswwiittcchh..
14143 CCI Power 6/40: one board, a megabyte of cache, and an attitude...
14145 Cecil, you're my final hope
14146 Of finding out the true Straight Dope
14147 For I have been reading of Schrodinger's cat
14148 But none of my cats are at all like that.
14149 This unusual animal (so it is said)
14150 Is simultaneously alive and dead!
14151 What I don't understand is just why he
14152 Can't be one or the other, unquestionably.
14153 My future now hangs in between eigenstates.
14154 In one I'm enlightened, in the other I ain't.
14155 If *you* understand, Cecil, then show me the way
14156 And rescue my psyche from quantum decay.
14157 But if this queer thing has perplexed even you,
14158 Then I will *___
\b\b\band* I won't see you in Schrodinger's zoo.
14159 -- Randy F., Chicago, "The Straight Dope, a compendium
14160 of human knowledge" by Cecil Adams
14162 Celebrate Hannibal Day this year. Take an elephant to lunch.
14164 Celestial navigation is based on the premise that the Earth is the
14165 center of the universe. The premise is wrong, but the navigation
14166 works. An incorrect model can be a useful tool.
14167 -- Kelvin Throop III
14169 Census Taker to Housewife:
14170 Did you ever have the measles, and, if so, how many?
14172 Center meeting at 4pm in 2C-543.
14174 cerebral atrophy, n:
14175 The phenomena which occurs as brain cells become weak and sick, and
14176 impair the brain's performance. An abundance of these "bad" cells can cause
14177 symptoms related to senility, apathy, depression, and overall poor academic
14178 performance. A certain small number of brain cells will deteriorate due to
14179 everyday activity, but large amounts are weakened by intense mental effort
14180 and the assimilation of difficult concepts. Many college students become
14181 victims of this dread disorder due to poor habits such as overstudying.
14183 cerebral darwinism, n:
14184 The theory that the effects of cerebral atrophy can be reversed
14185 through the purging action of heavy alcohol consumption. Large amounts of
14186 alcohol cause many brain cells to perish due to oxygen deprivation. Through
14187 the process of natural selection, the weak and sick brain cells will die
14188 first, leaving only the healthy cells. This wonderful process leaves the
14189 imbiber with a healthier, more vibrant brain, and increases mental capacity.
14190 Thus, the devastating effects of cerebral atrophy are reversed, and academic
14191 performance actually increases beyond previous levels.
14193 Cerebus: I'd love to lick apricot brandy out of your navel.
14194 Jaka: Look, Cerebus -- Jaka has to tell you ... something
14195 Cerebus: If Cerebus had a navel, would you lick apricot brandy
14198 Cerebus: You don't like apricot brandy?
14199 -- Cerebus #6, "The Secret"
14201 Certain old men prefer to rise at dawn, taking a cold bath and a long
14202 walk with an empty stomach and otherwise mortifying the flesh. They
14203 then point with pride to these practices as the cause of their sturdy
14204 health and ripe years; the truth being that they are hearty and old,
14205 not because of their habits, but in spite of them. The reason we find
14206 only robust persons doing this thing is that it has killed all the
14207 others who have tried it.
14208 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
14210 Certain passages in several laws have always defied interpretation and the
14211 most inexplicable must be a matter of opinion. A judge of the Court of
14212 Session of Scotland has sent the editors of this book his candidate which
14213 reads, "In the Nuts (unground), (other than ground nuts) Order, the expression
14214 nuts shall have reference to such nuts, other than ground nuts, as would
14215 but for this amending Order not qualify as nuts (unground) (other than ground
14216 nuts) by reason of their being nuts (unground)."
14217 -- Guiness Book of World Records, 1973
14219 Certainly the game is rigged.
14220 Don't let that stop you; if you don't bet, you can't win.
14221 -- Robert A. Heinlein, "Time Enough For Love"
14223 Certainly there are things in life that money can't buy,
14224 but it's very funny --
14225 Did you ever try buying them without money?
14228 C'est magnifique, mais ce n'est pas la guerre!
14230 C'est magnifique, mais ce n'est pas l'Informatique.
14231 -- Bosquet [on seeing the IBM 4341]
14233 CF&C stole it, fair and square.
14236 Chairman of the Bored.
14238 Chamberlain's Laws:
14239 1: The big guys always win.
14240 2: Everything tastes more or less like chicken.
14242 Chance is perhaps the work of God when He did not want to sign.
14245 Change your thoughts and you change your world.
14247 Changing husbands/wives is only changing troubles.
14250 Chaos is King and Magic is loose in the world.
14252 Chapter 2: Newtonian Growth and Decay
14254 The growth-decay formulas were developed in the trivial fashion by
14255 Isaac Newton's famous brother Phigg. His idea was to provide an equation
14256 that would describe a quantity that would dwindle and dwindle, but never
14257 quite reach zero. Historically, he was merely trying to work out his
14258 mortgage. Another versatile equation also emerged, one which would define
14259 a function that would continue to grow, but never reach unity. This equation
14260 can be applied to charging capacitors, over-damped springs, and the human
14263 Character Density, n.:
14264 The number of very weird people in the office.
14266 Character is what you are in the dark!
14267 -- Lord John Whorfin
14270 A thing that begins at home and usually stays there.
14272 Charity begins at home.
14273 -- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence)
14275 Charlie Brown: Why was I put on this earth?
14276 Linus: To make others happy.
14277 Charlie Brown: Why were others put on this earth?
14279 Charlie was a chemist,
14280 But Charlie is no more.
14281 What Charlie thought was H2O was H2SO4.
14283 Charm is a way of getting the answer "Yes" --
14284 without having asked any clear question.
14286 Cheap things are of no value, valuable things are not cheap.
14288 Check me if I'm wrong, Sandy, but if I kill all the golfers...
14289 they're gonna lock me up and throw away the key!
14292 The thirteenth month of the year. Begins New Year's Day and
14293 ends when a person stops absentmindedly writing the old year on his
14296 Cheer Up! Things are getting worse at a slower rate.
14298 Cheese -- milk's leap toward immortality.
14299 -- Clifton Fadiman, "Any Number Can Play"
14302 Any cook who swears in French.
14305 If you help a friend in need, he is sure to remember you--
14306 the next time he's in need.
14309 Noxious substances from which modern foods are made.
14311 Chemist who falls in acid is absorbed in work.
14313 Chemist who falls in acid will be tripping for weeks.
14315 Chemistry is applied theology.
14316 -- Augustus Stanley Owsley III
14318 Chemistry professors never die, they just fail to react.
14321 Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget.
14323 "Cheshire-Puss," she began, "would you tell me, please,
14324 which way I ought to go from here?"
14325 "That depends a good deal on where you want to get to," said the Cat.
14326 "I don't care much where--" said Alice.
14327 "Then it doesn't matter which way you go," said the Cat.
14331 Chicago law prohibits eating in a place that is on fire.
14334 Where the dead still vote ... early and often!
14336 Chicago Transit Authority Rider's Rule #36:
14337 Never ever ask the tough looking gentleman wearing El Rukn
14338 headgear where he got his "pyramid powered pizza warmer".
14339 -- Chicago Reader 3/27/81
14341 Chicago Transit Authority Rider's Rule #84:
14342 The CTA has complimentary pop-up timers available on request
14343 for overheated passengers. When your timer pops up, the driver will
14344 cheerfully baste you.
14345 -- Chicago Reader 5/28/82
14347 Chicagoan: "So, where're you from?"
14348 Hoosier: "What's wrong with Indiana?"
14350 Chicken Little only has to be right once.
14352 Chicken Little was right.
14355 An ancient miracle drug containing equal parts of aureomycin,
14356 cocaine, interferon, and TLC. The only ailment chicken soup can't cure
14357 is neurotic dependence on one's mother.
14358 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
14360 Chihuahuas drive me crazy. I can't stand anything that
14361 shivers when it's warm.
14363 Children are like cats, they can tell when you don't like
14364 them. That's when they come over and violate your body space.
14366 Children are natural mimics who act like their parents
14367 despite every effort to teach them good manners.
14369 Children are unpredictable. You never know what inconsistency they're
14370 going to catch you in next.
14371 -- Franklin P. Jones
14373 Children aren't happy without something to ignore,
14374 And that's what parents were created for.
14377 Children begin by loving their parents. After a time they judge them.
14378 Rarely, if ever, do they forgive them.
14381 Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually
14382 repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.
14384 Children's talent to endure stems from their ignorance of alternatives.
14385 -- Maya Angelou, "I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings"
14387 Chinese saying: "He who speak with forked tongue, not need chopsticks."
14389 Chism's Law of Completion:
14390 The amount of time required to complete a government project is
14391 precisely equal to the length of time already spent on it.
14393 Chisolm's First Corollary to Murphy's Second Law:
14394 When things just can't possibly get any worse, they will.
14396 Chivalry, Schmivalry!
14397 Roger the thief has a
14400 Folks who are reading are
14402 Always Forgetting to
14403 Guard their own bac ...
14407 Choose in marriage only a woman whom you would choose as
14408 a friend if she were a man.
14412 Grandma got run over by a reindeer,
14413 Walking home from our house Christmas eve.
14414 You can say there's no such thing as Santa,
14415 But as for me and Grandpa, we believe!
14416 She'd been drinking too much eggnog,
14417 And we begged her not to go.
14418 But she'd forgot her medication, When we found her Christmas morning,
14419 And she staggered through the door At the scene of the attack.
14420 out in the snow. She had hoofprints on her forehead,
14421 And incriminating claus-marks on her
14422 Now we're all so proud of Grandpa, back.
14423 He's been taking this so well.
14424 See him in there watching football. I've warned all my friends and
14425 Drinking beer and playing cards neighbors,
14426 with cousin Mel. Better watch out for yourselves!
14427 They should never give a license,
14428 To a man who drives a sleigh and
14430 -- Elmo and Patsy, "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer"
14433 A man who was born at least 5,000 years ahead of his time.
14435 Christ died for our sins, so let's not disappoint Him.
14437 Christianity might be a good thing if anyone ever tried it.
14438 -- George Bernard Shaw
14440 Christmas time is here, by Golly; Kill the turkeys, ducks and chickens;
14441 Disapproval would be folly; Mix the punch, drag out the Dickens;
14442 Deck the halls with hunks of holly; Even though the prospect sickens,
14443 Fill the cup and don't say when... Brother, here we go again.
14445 On Christmas day, you can't get sore; Relations sparing no expense'll,
14446 Your fellow man you must adore; Send some useless old utensil,
14447 There's time to rob him all the more, Or a matching pen and pencil,
14448 The other three hundred and sixty-four! Just the thing I need... how nice.
14450 It doesn't matter how sincere Hark The Herald-Tribune sings,
14451 It is, nor how heartfelt the spirit; Advertising wondrous things.
14452 Sentiment will not endear it; God Rest Ye Merry Merchants,
14453 What's important is... the price. May you make the Yuletide pay.
14454 Angels We Have Heard On High,
14455 Let the raucous sleighbells jingle; Tell us to go out and buy.
14456 Hail our dear old friend, Kris Kringle, Sooooo...
14457 Driving his reindeer across the sky,
14458 Don't stand underneath when they fly by!
14461 Churchill's Commentary on Man:
14462 Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the
14463 time he will pick himself up and continue on.
14466 A fire at one end, a fool at the other, and a bit of tobacco in
14470 The combination of popcorn, soda, and melted chocolate which
14471 covers the floors of movie theaters.
14472 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
14474 Circumstances rule men; men do not rule circumstances.
14477 Civilization and profits go hand in hand.
14480 Civilization, as we know it, will end sometime this evening.
14481 See SYSNOTE tomorrow for more information.
14483 Civilization is the limitless multiplication of unnecessary necessities.
14487 A person, commonly a woman, who has the power of seeing that
14488 which is invisible to her patron -- namely, that he is a blockhead.
14491 Claret is the liquor for boys; port for men; but he who
14492 aspires to be a hero... must drink brandy.
14495 Clarke's Conclusion:
14496 Never let your sense of morals interfere with doing the right thing.
14498 Class, that's the only thing that counts in life. Class.
14499 Without class and style, a man's a bum; he might as well be dead.
14502 Class: when they're running you out of town, to look like you're
14503 leading the parade.
14506 Classical music is the kind we keep thinking will turn into a tune.
14507 -- Kin Hubbard, "Abe Martin's Sayings"
14510 Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster.
14512 Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like
14513 shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
14516 Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely.
14519 Cleanliness is next to impossible.
14522 Where their last tornado did six
14523 million dollars worth of improvements.
14525 Cleveland still lives. God ____
\b\b\b\bmust be dead.
14528 Yes, I spent a week there one day.
14530 Climate and Surgery
14531 R C Gilchrist, who was shot by J Sharp twelve days ago, and who
14532 received a derringer ball in the right breast, and who it was supposed at
14533 the time could not live many hours, was on the street yesterday and the
14534 day before - walking several blocks at a time. To those who design to be
14535 riddled with bullets or cut to pieces with Bowie-knives, we cordially
14536 recommend our Sacramento climate and Sacramento surgery.
14537 -- Sacramento Daily Union, September 11, 1861
14539 Climbing onto a bar stool, a piece of string asked for a beer.
14540 "Wait a minute. Aren't you a string?"
14542 "Sorry. We don't serve strings here."
14543 The determined string left the bar and stopped a passer-by. "Excuse,
14544 me," it said, "would you shred my ends and tie me up like a pretzel?" The
14545 passer-by obliged, and the string re-entered the bar. "May I have a beer,
14546 please?" it asked the bartender.
14547 The barkeep set a beer in front of the string, then suddenly stopped.
14548 "Hey, aren't you the string I just threw out of here?"
14549 "No, I'm a frayed knot."
14552 1. An exact duplicate, as in "our product is a clone of their
14553 product." 2. A shoddy, spurious copy, as in "their product
14554 is a clone of our product."
14556 Clones are people two.
14558 Cloning is the sincerest form of flattery.
14560 Clothes make the man.
14561 Naked people have little or no influence on society.
14564 Clovis' Consideration of an Atmospheric Anomaly:
14565 The perversity of nature is nowhere better demonstrated
14566 than by the fact that, when exposed to the same atmosphere,
14567 bread becomes hard while crackers become soft.
14569 Coach: Can I draw you a beer, Norm?
14570 Norm: No, I know what they look like. Just pour me one.
14571 -- Cheers, No Help Wanted
14573 Coach: How about a beer, Norm?
14574 Norm: Hey I'm high on life, Coach. Of course, beer is my life.
14575 -- Cheers, No Help Wanted
14577 Coach: How's a beer sound, Norm?
14578 Norm: I dunno. I usually finish them before they get a word in.
14579 -- Cheers, Fortune and Men's Weights
14581 Coach: How's it going, Norm?
14582 Norm: Daddy's rich and Momma's good lookin'.
14583 -- Cheers, Truce or Consequences
14585 Sam: What's up, Norm?
14586 Norm: My nipples. It's freezing out there.
14587 -- Cheers, Coach Returns to Action
14589 Coach: What's the story, Norm?
14590 Norm: Thirsty guy walks into a bar. You finish it.
14591 -- Cheers, Endless Slumper
14593 Coach: What would you say to a beer, Normie?
14594 Norm: Daddy wuvs you.
14595 -- Cheers, The Mail Goes to Jail
14597 Sam: What'd you like, Normie?
14598 Norm: A reason to live. Gimme another beer.
14599 -- Cheers, Behind Every Great Man
14601 Sam: What will you have, Norm?
14602 Norm: Well, I'm in a gambling mood, Sammy. I'll take a glass
14603 of whatever comes out of that tap.
14604 Sam: Oh, looks like beer, Norm.
14605 Norm: Call me Mister Lucky.
14606 -- Cheers, The Executive's Executioner
14608 Coach: What's up, Norm?
14609 Norm: Corners of my mouth, Coach.
14610 -- Cheers, Fortune and Men's Weights
14612 Coach: What's shaking, Norm?
14613 Norm: All four cheeks and a couple of chins, Coach.
14614 -- Cheers, Snow Job
14616 Coach: Beer, Normie?
14617 Norm: Uh, Coach, I dunno, I had one this week.
14618 Eh, why not, I'm still young.
14619 -- Cheers, Snow Job
14622 An exercise in Artificial Inelegance.
14625 Completely Over and Beyond reason Or Logic.
14627 COBOL is for morons.
14628 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
14630 COBOL programmers are down in the dumps.
14632 COBOL programs are an exercise in Artificial Inelegance.
14634 Cocaine -- the thinking man's Dristan.
14636 Coding is easy; All you do is sit staring at a
14637 terminal until the drops of blood form on your forehead.
14639 Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum --
14640 "I think that I think, therefore I think that I am."
14641 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
14643 Cogito ergo I'm right and you're wrong.
14647 There is no bottom to worse.
14650 The more time you spend in reporting on what you are doing, the less
14651 time you have to do anything. Stability is achieved when you spend
14652 all your time reporting on the nothing you are doing.
14655 You weren't paying attention to the other half of what was
14658 Coincidences are spiritual puns.
14659 -- G. K. Chesterton
14662 When the local flashers are handing out written descriptions.
14665 When the politicians walk around with their hands in their own
14668 Cold hands, no gloves.
14671 Thinly sliced cabbage.
14674 A literary partnership based on the false assumption that the
14675 other fellow can spell.
14678 The fountains of knowledge, where everyone goes to drink.
14680 College football is a game which would be much more interesting if the
14681 faculty played instead of the students, and even more interesting if
14682 the trustees played. There would be a great increase in broken arms,
14683 legs, and necks, and simultaneously an appreciable diminution in the
14688 Where they don't buy M & M's, 'cause they're so hard to peel.
14690 Colorless green ideas sleep furiously.
14692 Column 1 Column 2 Column 3
14694 0. integrated 0. management 0. options
14695 1. total 1. organizational 1. flexibility
14696 2. systematized 2. monitored 2. capability
14697 3. parallel 3. reciprocal 3. mobility
14698 4. functional 4. digital 4. programming
14699 5. responsive 5. logistical 5. concept
14700 6. optional 6. transitional 6. time-phase
14701 7. synchronized 7. incremental 7. projection
14702 8. compatible 8. third-generation 8. hardware
14703 9. balanced 9. policy 9. contingency
14705 The procedure is simple. Think of any three-digit number, then select
14706 the corresponding buzzword from each column. For instance, number 257 produces
14707 "systematized logistical projection," a phrase that can be dropped into
14708 virtually any report with that ring of decisive, knowledgeable authority. "No
14709 one will have the remotest idea of what you're talking about," says Broughton,
14710 "but the important thing is that they're not about to admit it."
14711 -- Philip Broughton, "How to Win at Wordsmanship"
14713 Colvard's Logical Premises:
14714 All probabilities are 50%. Either a thing will happen or it
14717 Colvard's Unconscionable Commentary:
14718 This is especially true when dealing with someone you're
14721 Grelb's Commentary:
14722 Likelihoods, however, are 90% against you.
14724 Come, every frustum longs to be a cone,
14725 And every vector dreams of matrices.
14726 Hark to the gentle gradient of the breeze:
14727 It whispers of a more ergodic zone.
14728 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
14730 Come fill the cup and in the fire of spring
14731 Your winter garment of repentance fling.
14732 The bird of time has but a little way
14733 To flutter -- and the bird is on the wing.
14737 -- George McGovern, 1972
14739 Come, landlord, fill the flowing bowl until it does run over,
14740 Tonight we will all merry be -- tomorrow we'll get sober.
14741 -- John Fletcher, "The Bloody Brother", II, 2
14743 Come, let us hasten to a higher plane,
14744 Where dyads tread the fairy fields of Venn,
14745 Their indices bedecked from one to _
\bn,
14746 Commingled in an endless Markov chain!
14747 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
14749 Come, let us hasten to a higher plane,
14750 Where dyads tread the fairy fields of Venn,
14751 Their indices bedecked from one to n,
14752 Commingled in an endless Markov chain!
14754 Come, every frustum longs to be a cone,
14755 And every vector dreams of matrices.
14756 Hark to the gentle gradient of the breeze:
14757 It whispers of a more ergodic zone.
14759 In Riemann, Hilbert or in Banach space
14760 Let superscripts and subscripts go their ways.
14761 Our asymptotes no longer out of phase,
14762 We shall encounter, counting, face to face.
14763 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
14765 Come live with me, and be my love,
14766 And we will some new pleasures prove
14767 Of golden sands, and crystal brooks,
14768 With silken lines, and silver hooks.
14771 Come live with me and be my love,
14772 And we will some new pleasures prove
14773 Of golden sands and crystal brooks
14774 With silken lines, and silver hooks.
14775 There's nothing that I wouldn't do
14776 If you would be my POSSLQ.
14778 You live with me, and I with you,
14779 And you will be my POSSLQ.
14780 I'll be your friend and so much more;
14781 That's what a POSSLQ is for.
14783 And everything we will confess;
14784 Yes, even to the IRS.
14785 Some day on what we both may earn,
14786 Perhaps we'll file a joint return.
14787 You'll share my pad, my taxes, joint;
14788 You'll share my life - up to a point!
14789 And that you'll be so glad to do,
14790 Because you'll be my POSSLQ.
14792 Come, muse, let us sing of rats!
14793 -- From a poem by James Grainger, 1721-1767
14795 Come quickly, I am tasting stars!
14796 -- Dom Perignon, upon discovering champagne
14799 That tend on mortal thoughts, unsex me here,
14800 And fill me, from the crown to the toe, top-full
14801 Of direst cruelty! make thick my blood,
14802 Stop up the access and passage to remorse
14803 That no compunctious visiting of nature
14804 Shake my fell purpose, not keep peace between
14805 The effect and it! Come to my woman's breasts,
14806 And take my milk for gall, you murdering ministers,
14807 Wherever in your sightless substances
14808 You wait on nature's mischief! Come, thick night,
14809 And pall the in the dunnest smoke of hell,
14810 That my keen knife see not the wound it makes,
14811 Nor heaven peep through the blanket of the dark,
14812 To cry `Hold, hold!'
14815 Comedy, like Medicine, was never meant to be practiced by the general public.
14817 Coming to Stores Near You:
14819 101 Grammatically Correct Popular Tunes Featuring:
14821 (You Aren't Anything but a) Hound Dog
14822 It Doesn't Mean a Thing If It Hasn't Got That Swing
14823 I'm Not Misbehaving
14825 And A Whole Lot More...
14827 Coming together is a beginning;
14828 keeping together is progress;
14829 working together is success.
14832 Statement presented by a human and accepted by a computer in
14833 such a manner as to make the human feel as if he is in control.
14835 Commit the oldest sins the newest kind of ways.
14836 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV"
14839 Commitment can be illustrated by a breakfast of ham and eggs.
14840 The chicken was involved, the pig was committed.
14843 A group of men who individually can do nothing but as a group
14844 decide that nothing can be done.
14848 (1) Never arrive on time, or you will be stamped a beginner.
14849 (2) Don't say anything until the meeting is half over; this
14850 stamps you as being wise.
14851 (3) Be as vague as possible; this prevents irritating the
14853 (4) When in doubt, suggest that a subcommittee be appointed.
14854 (5) Be the first to move for adjournment; this will make you
14855 popular -- it's what everyone is waiting for.
14857 Committees have become so important nowadays that subcommittees have to
14858 be appointed to do the work.
14860 Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at
14861 different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.
14864 Common sense is instinct, and enough of it is genius.
14867 Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.
14870 Common sense is the most evenly distributed quantity in the world.
14871 Everyone thinks he has enough.
14872 -- Rene Descartes, 1637
14874 Commoner's three laws of ecology:
14875 1) No action is without side-effects.
14876 2) Nothing ever goes away.
14877 3) There is no free lunch.
14879 Communicate! It can't make things any worse.
14881 Comparing information and knowledge is like asking whether the fatness
14882 of a pig is more or less green than the designated hitter rule."
14885 Comparing software engineering to classical engineering assumes that software
14886 has the ability to wear out. Software typically behaves, or it does not. It
14887 either works, or it does not. Software generally does not degrade, abrade,
14888 stretch, twist, or ablate. To treat it as a physical entity, therefore, is
14889 misapplication of our engineering skills. Classical engineering deals with
14890 the characteristics of hardware; software engineering should deal with the
14891 characteristics of *software*, and not with hardware or management.
14894 COMPASS [for the CDC-6000 series] is the sort of assembler
14895 one expects from a corporation whose president codes in octal.
14898 Competence, like truth, beauty, and contact lenses,
14899 is in the eye of the beholder.
14900 -- Dr. Laurence J. Peter
14902 Competitive fury is not always anger. It is the true missionary's
14903 courage and zeal in facing the possibility that one's best may not
14908 One with real problems and imaginary profits.
14911 When you say something to another which everyone knows isn't true.
14914 The uncomfortable period of emotional and hormonal changes a
14915 computer experiences when the operating system is upgraded and
14916 a sun4 is put online sharing files.
14919 An electronic entity which performs sequences of useful steps in a
14920 totally understandable, rigorously logical manner. If you believe
14921 this, see me about a bridge I have for sale in Manhattan.
14923 Computer programmers do it byte by byte.
14925 Computer programmers never die, they just get lost in the processing.
14927 Computer programs expand so as to fill the core available.
14930 1) A study akin to numerology and astrology, but lacking the
14931 precision of the former and the success of the latter.
14932 2) The protracted value analysis of algorithms.
14933 3) The costly enumeration of the obvious.
14934 4) The boring art of coping with a large number of trivialities.
14935 5) Tautology harnessed in the service of Man at the speed of light.
14936 6) The Post-Turing decline in formal systems theory.
14938 Computer Science is merely the post-Turing decline in formal systems
14941 Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about
14943 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
14945 Computer Science is the only discipline in which we view
14946 adding a new wing to a building as being maintenance
14949 Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
14951 Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable.
14952 Any system which depends on human reliability is unreliable.
14955 Computers are useless. They can only give you answers.
14958 Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in
14959 the world that just don't add up.
14961 Computers don't actually think.
14962 You just think they think.
14965 Computers will not be perfected until they can compute how much more
14966 than the estimate the job will cost.
14968 Conceit causes more conversation than wit.
14969 -- La Rochefoucauld
14972 Any "idea" for which an outside consultant billed you more than
14975 Conceptual integrity in turn dictates that the design must proceed
14976 from one mind, or from a very small number of agreeing resonant minds.
14977 -- Frederick Brooks Jr., "The Mythical Man Month"
14979 Condense soup, not books!
14982 A special meeting in which the boss gathers subordinates to hear
14983 what they have to say, so long as it doesn't conflict with what
14984 he's already decided to do.
14986 Confess your sins to the Lord and you will be forgiven;
14987 confess them to man and you will be laughed at.
14990 Confession is good for the soul, but bad for the career.
14992 Confession is good for the soul only in the sense
14993 that a tweed coat is good for dandruff.
14996 Confessions may be good for the soul, but they are bad for
14998 -- Lord Thomas Dewar
15000 Confidant, confidante, n:
15001 One entrusted by A with the secrets of B, confided to himself by C.
15004 Confidence is simply that quiet, assured feeling you have before you
15005 fall flag on your face.
15008 Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.
15010 CONFIRMED BACHELOR:
15011 A man who goes through life without a hitch.
15013 Conflicting research paradigms
15014 Have legitimized various crimes.
15015 The worst we can see
15017 Measuring reaction times.
15019 Conformity is the refuge of the unimaginative.
15021 Confucius say too damn much!
15023 Confucius say too much.
15024 -- Recent Chinese proverb
15026 Confusion will be my epitaph
15027 as I walk a cracked and broken path
15028 If we make it we can all sit back and laugh
15029 but I fear that tomorrow we'll be crying.
15030 -- King Crimson, "In the Court of the Crimson King"
15032 Congratulations! You are the one-millionth user to log into our system.
15033 If there's anything special we can do for you, anything at all, don't
15036 Congratulations! You have purchased an extremely fine device that
15037 would give you thousands of years of trouble-free service, except that
15038 you undoubtedly will destroy it via some typical bonehead consumer
15039 maneuver. Which is why we ask you to PLEASE FOR GOD'S SAKE READ THIS
15040 OWNER'S MANUAL CAREFULLY BEFORE YOU UNPACK THE DEVICE. YOU ALREADY
15041 UNPACKED IT, DIDN'T YOU? YOU UNPACKED IT AND PLUGGED IT IN AND TURNED
15042 IT ON AND FIDDLED WITH THE KNOBS, AND NOW YOUR CHILD, THE SAME CHILD
15043 WHO ONCE SHOVED A POLISH SAUSAGE INTO YOUR VIDEOCASSETTE RECORDER AND
15044 SET IT ON "FAST FORWARD", THIS CHILD ALSO IS FIDDLING WITH THE KNOBS,
15045 RIGHT? AND YOU'RE JUST NOW STARTING TO READ THE INSTRUCTIONS,
15046 RIGHT??? WE MIGHT AS WELL JUST BREAK THESE DEVICES RIGHT AT THE
15047 FACTORY BEFORE WE SHIP THEM OUT, YOU KNOW THAT?
15048 -- Dave Barry, "Read This First!"
15050 Congratulations are in order for Tom Reid.
15052 He says he just found out he is the winner of the 2021 Psychic of the
15055 Conjecture: All odd numbers are prime.
15057 Mathematician's Proof:
15058 3 is prime. 5 is prime. 7 is prime. By induction, all
15059 odd numbers are prime.
15061 3 is prime. 5 is prime. 7 is prime. 9 is experimental
15062 error. 11 is prime. 13 is prime ...
15064 3 is prime. 5 is prime. 7 is prime. 9 is prime.
15065 11 is prime. 13 is prime ...
15066 Computer Scientist's Proof:
15067 3 is prime. 3 is prime. 3 is prime. 3 is prime...
15069 Connector Conspiracy, n:
15070 [probably came into prominence with the appearance of the
15071 KL-10, none of whose connectors match anything else] The tendency of
15072 manufacturers (or, by extension, programmers or purveyors of anything)
15073 to come up with new products which don't fit together with the old
15074 stuff, thereby making you buy either all new stuff or expensive
15077 Conquering Russia should be done steppe by steppe.
15079 Conscience doth make cowards of us all.
15080 -- William Shakespeare
15082 Conscience is a mother-in-law whose visit never ends.
15085 Conscience is defined as the thing that hurts
15086 when everything else feels great.
15088 Conscience is the inner voice that warns us somebody is looking
15091 Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.
15093 Conscious is when you are aware of something and conscience is when you
15097 A document in which a hapless company consents never to commit
15098 in the future whatever heinous violations of Federal law it
15099 never admitted to in the first place.
15101 Consequences, Schmonsequences, as long as I'm rich.
15102 -- "Ali Baba Bunny" [1957, Chuck Jones]
15105 One who admires radicals centuries after they're dead.
15109 A statesman who is enamored of existing evils, as distinguished
15110 from the Liberal who wishes to replace them with others.
15113 "Consider a spherical bear, in simple harmonic motion..."
15114 -- Professor in the UCB physics department
15116 Consider the following axioms carefully:
15117 "Everything's better when it sits on a Ritz."
15119 "Everything's better with Blue Bonnet on it."
15120 What happens if one spreads Blue Bonnet margarine on a Ritz cracker? The
15121 thought is frightening. Is this how God came into being? Try not to
15122 consider the fact that "Things go better with Coke".
15124 Consider the little mouse, how sagacious an animal
15125 it is which never entrusts its life to one hole only.
15126 -- Titus Maccius Plautus
15128 Consider the postage stamp: its usefulness consists in
15129 the ability to stick to one thing till it gets there.
15133 (1) Someone you pay to take the watch off your wrist and tell
15134 you what time it is. (2) (For resume use) The working title
15135 of anyone who doesn't currently hold a job. Motto: Have
15136 Calculator, Will Travel.
15139 An ordinary man a long way from home.
15142 [From con "to defraud, dupe, swindle," or, possibly, French con
15143 (vulgar) "a person of little merit" + sult elliptical form of
15144 "insult."] A tipster disguised as an oracle, especially one who
15145 has learned to decamp at high speed in spite of a large briefcase
15149 Someone who'd rather climb a tree and tell a
15150 lie than stand on the ground and tell the truth.
15152 Consultants are mystical people who ask a company for a number and then
15153 give it back to them.
15156 Medical term meaning "to share the wealth."
15158 Contemporary American feminism's simplistic psychology is illustrated by
15159 the new cliche of the date-rape furor: "`No' always means `no'." Will
15160 we ever graduate from the Girl Scouts? "No" has always been, and always
15161 will be, part of the dangerous alluring courtship ritual of sex and
15162 seduction, observable even in the animal kingdom.
15163 -- Camille Paglia, NY Times, Dec. 14 1990, Op Ed.
15165 "Contrariwise," continued Tweedledee, "if it was so, it might be, and
15166 if it were so, it would be; but as it isn't, it ain't. That's logic!"
15167 -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass"
15169 "Contrary to popular belief, penguins are not the salvation of modern
15170 technology. Neither do they throw parties for the urban proletariat."
15172 Convention is the ruler of all.
15175 Conversation enriches the understanding,
15176 but solitude is the school of genius.
15179 A vocal competition in which the one who is catching his breath
15180 is called the listener.
15183 In any organization there will always be one person who knows
15186 This person must be fired.
15188 Cops never say good-bye. They're always hoping to see you again in the
15190 -- Raymond Chandler
15193 A device that shreds paper, flashes mysteriously coded messages,
15194 and makes duplicates for everyone in the office who isn't
15195 interested in reading them.
15198 The ceremony of investing a sovereign with the outward and visible
15199 signs of his divine right to be blown skyhigh with a dynamite bomb.
15203 The ceremony of investing a sovereign with the outward and
15204 visible signs of his divine right to be blown skyhigh with a dynamite
15206 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
15208 Correction does much, but encouragement does more.
15209 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
15211 Correspondence Corollary:
15212 An experiment may be considered a success if no more than half
15213 your data must be discarded to obtain correspondence with your theory.
15216 In politics, holding an office of trust or profit.
15218 Corrupt, stupid grasping functionaries will make at least as big a
15219 muddle of socialism as stupid, selfish and acquisitive employers can
15220 make of capitalism.
15223 Corruption is not the #1 priority of the Police Commissioner. His job
15224 is to enforce the law and fight crime.
15225 -- P.B.A. President E. J. Kiernan
15228 Paper is always strongest at the perforations.
15230 Couldn't we jury-rig the cat to act as an audio switch, and have it yell
15231 at people to save their core images before logging them out? I'm sure
15232 the cattle prod would be effective in this regard. In any case, a traverse
15233 mounted iguana, while more perverted, gives better traction, not to mention
15234 being easier to stake.
15236 Counting in binary is just like counting
15237 in decimal -- if you are all thumbs.
15240 Counting in octal is just like counting
15241 in decimal -- if you don't use your thumbs.
15244 Courage is fear that has said its prayers.
15246 Courage is grace under pressure.
15248 Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear -- not absence of fear.
15251 Courage is your greatest present need.
15254 A place where they dispense with justice.
15257 Courtship to marriage, as a very witty prologue to a very dull play.
15258 -- William Congreve
15261 One who in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs.
15262 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
15264 Crash programs fail because they are based on the theory that, with
15265 nine women pregnant, you can get a baby a month.
15266 -- Wernher von Braun
15268 Crazee Edeee, his prices are INSANE!!!
15270 Creating computer software is always a demanding and painstaking
15271 process -- an exercise in logic, clear expression, and almost fanatical
15272 attention to detail. It requires intelligence, dedication, and an
15273 enormous amount of hard work. But, a certain amount of unpredictable
15274 and often unrepeatable inspiration is what usually makes the difference
15275 between adequacy and excellence.
15277 Creativity in living is not without its attendant difficulties, for
15278 peculiarity breeds contempt. And the unfortunate thing about being
15279 ahead of your time when people finally realize you were right, they'll
15280 say it was obvious all along.
15281 -- Alan Ashley-Pitt
15283 Creativity is no substitute for knowing what you are doing.
15285 Creativity is not always bred in an environment of tranquility;
15286 sometimes you have to squeeze a little to get the paste out of the tube.
15288 Credit ... is the only enduring testimonial to man's confidence in man.
15292 A man who has a better memory than a debtor.
15294 Crenna's Law of Political Accountability:
15295 If you are the first to know about something bad,
15296 you are going to be held responsible for acting on it,
15297 regardless of your formal duties.
15299 Crime does not pay ... as well as politics.
15303 A person who boasts himself hard to please because nobody tries
15305 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
15307 Criticism comes easier than craftsmanship.
15310 Critics are like eunuchs in a harem: they know how it's done, they've
15311 seen it done every day, but they're unable to do it themselves.
15314 Crito, I owe a cock to Asclepius; will you remember to pay the debt?
15315 -- Socrates' last words
15318 If tin whistles are made of tin, what are foghorns made of?
15321 The amount of work done varies inversely
15322 with the time spent in the office.
15324 Crucifixes are sexy because there's a naked man on them.
15327 Cruickshank's Law of Committees:
15328 If a committee is allowed to discuss a bad idea long enough, it
15329 will inevitably decide to implement the idea simply because so
15330 much work has already been done on it.
15332 Crusade for Cthulhu! It Found ME!
15334 Crush! Kill! Destroy!
15338 Cthulhu for President!
15339 (If you're tired of choosing the lesser of two evils.)
15341 Cthulhu Saves -- in case He's hungry later.
15343 Culture is the habit of being pleased with the best and knowing why.
15345 Cure the disease and kill the patient.
15349 One whose program will not run.
15354 -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
15356 curtation n. The enforced compression of a string in the fixed-length field
15358 The problem of fitting extremely variable-length strings such as names,
15359 addresses, and item descriptions into fixed-length records is no trivial
15360 matter. Neglect of the subtle art of curtation has probably alienated more
15361 people than any other aspect of data processing. You order Mozart's "Don
15362 Giovanni" from your record club, and they invoice you $24.95 for MOZ DONG.
15363 The witless mapping of the sublime onto the ridiculous! Equally puzzling is
15364 the curtation that produces the same eight characters, THE BEST, whether you
15365 order "The Best of Wagner", "The Best of Schubert", or "The Best of the Turds".
15366 Similarly, wine lovers buying from computerized wineries twirl their glasses,
15367 check their delivery notes, and inform their friends, "A rather innocent,
15368 possibly overtruncated CAB SAUV 69 TAL." The squeezing of fruit into 10
15369 columns has yielded such memorable obscenities as COX OR PIP. The examples
15370 cited are real, and the curtational methodology which produced them is still
15374 Curtation of Don Giovanni by Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart and Lorenzo da
15375 Ponte, as performed by the computerized billing ensemble of the Internat'l
15376 Preview Society, Great Neck (sic), N.Y.
15377 -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
15379 Custer committed Siouxicide.
15381 Cut a man's hand when you fight him. He'll freeze, fascinated by the sight
15382 of his own blood. That's when you stick him in the throat.
15385 If you look rather casual with the knife when you flick it open, people
15389 Cutler Webster's Law:
15390 There are two sides to every argument, unless a person
15391 is personally involved, in which case there is only one.
15393 "Cutting the space budget really restores my faith in humanity. It
15394 eliminates dreams, goals, and ideals and lets us get straight to the
15395 business of hate, debauchery, and self-annihilation."
15399 A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are,
15400 not as they ought to be. Hence the custom among the
15401 Scythians of plucking out a cynic's eyes to improve his vision.
15405 A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not
15406 as they ought to be. Hence the custom among the Scythians of plucking
15407 out a cynic's eyes to improve his vision.
15408 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
15414 One who looks through rose-colored glasses with a jaundiced eye.
15416 Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why
15417 several of us died of tuberculosis.
15421 The city that chose Astroturf to
15422 keep the cheerleaders from grazing.
15424 Dallas still lives. God MUST be dead.
15426 Dammit Jim, I'm an actor not a doctor.
15428 "Dammit, man, that's unprofessional! A good bartender laughs anyway!"
15431 -- William Blake, "Proverbs of Hell"
15433 Damn, I need a Coke!
15434 -- Dr. William DeVries
15435 [after implanting the first artificial human heart]
15437 DAMN IT, I GOTTA GET OUTTA HERE!
15440 -- R. Buckminster Fuller
15442 Dark and lonely on a summer night
15445 The watchdog barkin'
15449 Slip in his window.
15451 Then his house I start to wreck
15456 C-I-L-L my landlord!
15457 -- "Images" by Tyrone Green, SNL
15459 Darling: the popular form of address used in speaking to a member of the
15460 opposite sex whose name you cannot at the moment remember.
15463 Darth Vader! Only you would be so bold!
15464 -- Princess Leia Organa
15466 Darth Vader sleeps with a Teddywookie.
15469 An accrual of straws on the backs of theories.
15472 Computerspeak for "information". Properly pronounced
15473 the way Bostonians pronounce the word for a female child.
15475 Dave Mack: "Your stupidity, Allen, is simply not up to par."
15476 Allen Gwinn: "Yours is."
15478 David Letterman's "Things we can be proud of as Americans":
15480 * Greatest number of citizens who have actually boarded a UFO
15481 * Many newspapers feature "JUMBLE"
15482 * Hourly motel rates
15483 * Vast majority of Elvis movies made here
15484 * Didn't just give up right away during World War II
15485 like some countries we could mention
15486 * Goatees & Van Dykes thought to be worn only by weenies
15487 * Our well-behaved golf professionals
15488 * Fabulous babes coast to coast
15490 Davis' Law of Traffic Density:
15491 The density of rush-hour traffic is directly proportional to
15492 1.5 times the amount of extra time you allow to arrive on time.
15495 Problems that go away by themselves, come back by themselves.
15498 The time when men of reason go to bed.
15499 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
15501 Day of inquiry. You will be subpoenaed.
15503 %DCL-E-MEMBAD, bad memory
15504 -SYSTEM-F-VMSPDGERS, pudding between the ears
15507 Anyone in your company who is more senior than you are.
15509 Dealing with failure is easy:
15510 Work hard to improve.
15511 Success is also easy to handle:
15512 You've solved the wrong problem. Work hard to improve.
15514 Dealing with the problem of pure staff accumulation,
15515 all our researches ... point to an average increase of 5.75% per year.
15519 How can I choose what groups to post in?
15523 Pick as many as you can, so that you get the widest audience. After
15524 all, the net exists to give you an audience. Ignore those who suggest you
15525 should only use groups where you think the article is highly appropriate.
15526 Pick all groups where anybody might even be slightly interested.
15527 Always make sure followups go to all the groups. In the rare event
15528 that you post a followup which contains something original, make sure you
15529 expand the list of groups. Never include a "Followup-to:" line in the
15530 header, since some people might miss part of the valuable discussion in
15532 -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette
15535 I collected replies to an article I wrote, and now it's time to
15536 summarize. What should I do?
15540 Simply concatenate all the articles together into a big file and post
15541 that. On USENET, this is known as a summary. It lets people read all the
15542 replies without annoying newsreaders getting in the way. Do the same when
15543 summarizing a vote.
15544 -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette
15547 I recently read an article that said, "reply by mail, I'll summarize."
15552 Post your response to the whole net. That request applies only to
15553 dumb people who don't have something interesting to say. Your postings are
15554 much more worthwhile than other people's, so it would be a waste to reply by
15556 -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette
15559 I saw a long article that I wish to rebut carefully, what should
15564 Include the entire text with your article, and include your comments
15565 between the lines. Be sure to post, and not mail, even though your article
15566 looks like a reply to the original. Everybody *loves* to read those long
15567 point-by-point debates, especially when they evolve into name-calling and
15568 lots of "Is too!" -- "Is not!" -- "Is too, twizot!" exchanges.
15569 -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette
15572 I'm having a serious disagreement with somebody on the net. I
15573 tried complaints to his sysadmin, organizing mail campaigns, called for
15574 his removal from the net and phoning his employer to get him fired.
15575 Everybody laughed at me. What can I do?
15576 -- A Concerned Citizen
15579 Go to the daily papers. Most modern reporters are top-notch computer
15580 experts who will understand the net, and your problems, perfectly. They
15581 will print careful, reasoned stories without any errors at all, and surely
15582 represent the situation properly to the public. The public will also all
15583 act wisely, as they are also fully cognizant of the subtle nature of net
15585 Papers never sensationalize or distort, so be sure to point out things
15586 like racism and sexism wherever they might exist. Be sure as well that they
15587 understand that all things on the net, particularly insults, are meant
15588 literally. Link what transpires on the net to the causes of the Holocaust, if
15589 possible. If regular papers won't take the story, go to a tabloid paper --
15590 they are always interested in good stories.
15593 I'm still confused as to what groups articles should be posted
15594 to. How about an example?
15598 Ok. Let's say you want to report that Gretzky has been traded from
15599 the Oilers to the Kings. Now right away you might think rec.sport.hockey
15600 would be enough. WRONG. Many more people might be interested. This is a
15601 big trade! Since it's a NEWS article, it belongs in the news.* hierarchy
15602 as well. If you are a news admin, or there is one on your machine, try
15603 news.admin. If not, use news.misc.
15604 The Oilers are probably interested in geology, so try sci.physics.
15605 He is a big star, so post to sci.astro, and sci.space because they are also
15606 interested in stars. Next, his name is Polish sounding. So post to
15607 soc.culture.polish. But that group doesn't exist, so cross-post to
15608 news.groups suggesting it should be created. With this many groups of
15609 interest, your article will be quite bizarre, so post to talk.bizarre as
15610 well. (And post to comp.std.mumps, since they hardly get any articles
15611 there, and a "comp" group will propagate your article further.)
15612 You may also find it is more fun to post the article once in each
15613 group. If you list all the newsgroups in the same article, some newsreaders
15614 will only show the article to the reader once! Don't tolerate this.
15615 -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette
15618 Today I posted an article and forgot to include my signature.
15623 Rush to your terminal right away and post an article that says,
15624 "Oops, I forgot to post my signature with that last article. Here
15626 Since most people will have forgotten your earlier article,
15627 (particularly since it dared to be so boring as to not have a nice, juicy
15628 signature) this will remind them of it. Besides, people care much more
15629 about the signature anyway.
15630 -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette
15632 Dear Emily, what about test messages?
15636 It is important, when testing, to test the entire net. Never test
15637 merely a subnet distribution when the whole net can be done. Also put "please
15638 ignore" on your test messages, since we all know that everybody always skips
15639 a message with a line like that. Don't use a subject like "My sex is female
15640 but I demand to be addressed as male." because such articles are read in depth
15642 -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette
15645 You don't know who I am and frankly shouldn't care, but
15646 unknown to you we have something in common. We are both rather
15647 prone to mistakes. I was elected Student Government President by
15648 mistake, and you came to school here by mistake.
15651 I just want *___
\b\b\bone* one-armed manager so I never have to hear "On
15652 the other hand", again.
15654 Dear Lord: Please make my words sweet and tender, for tomorrow I may
15658 My home economics teacher says that one must never place one's
15659 elbows on the table. However, I have read that one elbow, in between
15660 courses, is all right. Which is correct?
15663 For the purpose of answering examinations in your home
15664 economics class, your teacher is correct. Catching on to this
15665 principle of education may be of even greater importance to you now
15666 than learning correct current table manners, vital as Miss Manners
15670 Please list some tactful ways of removing a man's saliva from
15674 Please list some decent ways of acquiring a man's saliva on
15678 I carry a big black umbrella, even if there's just a thirty percent chance of
15679 rain. May I ask a young lady who is a stranger to me to share its protection?
15680 This morning, I was waiting for a bus in comparative comfort, my umbrella
15681 protecting me from the downpour, and noticed an attractive young woman getting
15682 soaked. I have often seen her at my bus stop, although we have never spoken,
15683 and I don't even know her name. Could I have asked her to get under my
15684 umbrella without seeming insulting?
15687 Certainly. Consideration for those less fortunate than you is always proper,
15688 although it would be more convincing if you stopped babbling about how
15689 attractive she is. In order not to give Good Samaritanism a bad name, Miss
15690 Manners asks you to allow her two or three rainy days of unmolested protection
15691 before making your attack.
15693 Dear Mister Language Person: I am curious about the expression, "Part
15694 of this complete breakfast". The way it comes up is, my 5-year-old
15695 will be watching TV cartoon shows in the morning, and they'll show a
15696 commercial for a children's compressed breakfast compound such as
15697 "Froot Loops" or "Lucky Charms", and they always show it sitting on a
15698 table next to some actual food such as eggs, and the announcer always
15699 says: "Part of this complete breakfast". Doesn't that really mean,
15700 "Adjacent to this complete breakfast", or "On the same table as this
15701 complete breakfast"? And couldn't they make essentially the same claim
15702 if, instead of Froot Loops, they put a can of shaving cream there, or a
15706 -- Dave Barry, "Tips for Writer's"
15708 Dear Mister Language Person: What is the purpose of the apostrophe?
15710 Answer: The apostrophe is used mainly in hand-lettered small business
15711 signs to alert the reader that an "S" is coming up at the end of a
15712 word, as in: WE DO NOT EXCEPT PERSONAL CHECK'S, or: NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR
15713 ANY ITEM'S. Another important grammar concept to bear in mind when
15714 creating hand-lettered small-business signs is that you should put
15715 quotation marks around random words for decoration, as in "TRY" OUR HOT
15716 DOG'S, or even TRY "OUR" HOT DOG'S.
15717 -- Dave Barry, "Tips for Writer's"
15720 I couldn't get mail through to somebody on another site. What
15725 No problem, just post your message to a group that a lot of people
15726 read. Say, "This is for John Smith. I couldn't get mail through so I'm
15727 posting it. All others please ignore."
15728 This way tens of thousands of people will spend a few seconds scanning
15729 over and ignoring your article, using up over 16 man-hours their collective
15730 time, but you will be saved the terrible trouble of checking through usenet
15731 maps or looking for alternate routes. Just think, if you couldn't distribute
15732 your message to 9000 other computers, you might actually have to (gasp) call
15733 directory assistance for 60 cents, or even phone the person. This can cost
15734 as much as a few DOLLARS (!) for a 5 minute call!
15735 And certainly it's better to spend 10 to 20 dollars of other people's
15736 money distributing the message than for you to have to waste $9 on an overnight
15737 letter, or even 25 cents on a stamp!
15738 Don't forget. The world will end if your message doesn't get through,
15739 so post it as many places as you can.
15740 -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette
15743 I am firmly opposed to the spread of microchips either to the home or
15744 to the office, we have more than enough of them foisted upon us in public
15745 places. They are a disgusting Americanism, and can only result in the farmers
15746 being forced to grow smaller potatoes, which in turn will cause massive un-
15747 employment in the already severely depressed agricultural industry.
15749 Capt. Quinton D'Arcy, J. P.
15751 -- Letters To The Editor, The Times of London
15754 To stop sinning suddenly.
15757 Death before dishonor.
15758 But neither before breakfast.
15760 Death comes on every passing breeze,
15761 He lurks in every flower;
15762 Each season has its own disease,
15763 Its peril -- every hour.
15766 Death has been proven to be 99% fatal in laboratory rats.
15768 Death is a spirit leaving a body, sort
15769 of like a shell leaving the nut behind.
15772 Death is God's way of telling you not to be such a wise guy.
15774 Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired.
15777 Death is Nature's way of recycling human beings.
15779 Death is nature's way of saying `Howdy'.
15781 Death is nature's way of telling you to slow down.
15783 Death is only a state of mind.
15785 Only it doesn't leave you much time to think about anything else.
15787 Death rays don't kill people, people kill people!!
15789 Death to all fanatics!
15792 The only wish that always comes true, whether or not one wishes it to.
15794 Debug is human, de-fix divine.
15796 DEC diagnostics would run on a dead whale.
15799 Decemba, n: The 12th month of the year.
15800 erra, n: A mistake.
15801 faa, n: To, from, or at considerable distance.
15802 Linder, n: A female name.
15803 memba, n: To recall to the mind; think of again.
15804 New Hampsha, n: A state in the northeast United States.
15805 New Yaak, n: Another state in the northeast United States.
15806 Novemba, n: The 11th month of the year.
15807 Octoba, n: The 10th month of the year.
15808 ova, n: Location above or across a specified position. What the
15809 season is when the Knicks quit playing.
15810 -- Massachewsetts Unabridged Dictionary
15812 Decision maker, n.:
15813 The person in your office who was unable to form a task force
15814 before the music stopped.
15817 The person in your office who was unable
15818 to form a task force before the music stopped.
15820 Decisions of the judges will be final unless shouted down by a really
15821 overwhelming majority of the crowd present. Abusive and obscene
15822 language may not be used by contestants when addressing members of the
15823 judging panel, or, conversely, by members of the judging panel when
15824 addressing contestants (unless struck by a boomerang).
15825 -- Mudgeeraba Creek Emu-Riding and Boomerang-Throwing
15828 Declared guilty... of displaying feelings of an almost human nature.
15829 -- Pink Floyd, "The Wall"
15831 Decorate your home. It gives the illusion
15832 that your life is more interesting than it really is.
15835 "Deep" is a word like "theory" or "semantic" -- it implies all sorts of
15836 marvelous things. It's one thing to be able to say "I've got a
15837 theory", quite another to say "I've got a semantic theory", but, ah,
15838 those who can claim "I've got a deep semantic theory", they are truly
15843 The hardware's, of course.
15846 [Possibly from Black English "De fault wid dis system is you,
15847 mon."] The vain attempt to avoid errors by inactivity. "Nothing will
15848 come of nothing: speak again." -- King Lear
15849 -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
15851 Defeat is worse than death because you have to live with defeat.
15854 #define BITCOUNT(x) (((BX_(x)+(BX_(x)>>4)) & 0x0F0F0F0F) % 255)
15855 #define BX_(x) ((x) - (((x)>>1)&0x77777777) \
15856 - (((x)>>2)&0x33333333) \
15857 - (((x)>>3)&0x11111111))
15859 -- really weird C code to count the number of bits in a word
15861 Definitions of hardware and software for dummies:
15863 Hardware is what you kick;
15864 Software is what you curse.
15866 Deflector shields just came on, Captain.
15869 (cond ((null c) () )
15871 (append (list (eval (list 'getchar (list (car c) 'a) (cadr c))))
15873 (t (append (list (implode (nf a (car c)))) (nf a (cdr c))))))
15875 (defun AD (want-job challenging boston-area)
15877 ((or (not (equal want-job 'yes))
15878 (not (equal boston-area 'yes))
15879 (lessp challenging 7)) () )
15880 (t (append (nf (get 'ad 'expr)
15881 '((caaddr 1 caadr 2 car 1 car 1)
15882 (car 5 cadadr 9 cadadr 8 cadadr 9 caadr 4 car 2 car 1)
15884 (list '851-5071x2661)))))
15885 ;;; We are an affirmative action employer.
15888 French., already seen; unoriginal; trite.
15889 Psychol., The illusion of having previously experienced
15890 something actually being encountered for the first time.
15891 Psychol., The illusion of having previously experienced
15892 something actually being encountered for the first time.
15894 Delay is preferable to error.
15895 -- Thomas Jefferson
15897 Delay not, Caesar. Read it instantly.
15898 -- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar" 3,1
15900 Here is a letter, read it at your leisure.
15901 -- William Shakespeare, "Merchant of Venice" 5,1
15903 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
15904 referring to I/O system services.]
15906 Deliberate provocation of mystical experience, particularly by LSD and
15907 related hallucinogens, in contrast to spontaneous visionary experiences,
15908 entails dangers that must not be underestimated. Practitioners must take
15909 into account the peculiar effects of these substances, namely their ability
15910 to influence our consciousness, the innermost essence of our being. The
15911 history of LSD to date amply demonstrates the catastrophic consequences that
15912 can ensue when its profound effect is misjudged and the substance is mistaken
15913 for a pleasure drug. Special internal and external advance preparations
15914 are required; with them, an LSD experiment can become a meaningful experience.
15915 -- Dr. Albert Hoffman, the discoverer of LSD
15917 I believe that if people would learn to use LSD's vision-inducing capability
15918 more wisely, under suitable conditions, in medical practice and in conjunction
15919 with meditation, then in the future this problem child could become a wonder
15921 -- Dr. Albert Hoffman
15924 The act of examining one's bread to determine which side it is
15926 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
15928 Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow.
15930 Delores breezed along the surface of her life like a flat stone forever
15931 skipping along smooth water, rippling reality sporadically but oblivious
15932 to it consistently, until she finally lost momentum, sank, and due to an
15933 overdose of fluoride as a child which caused her to suffer from chronic
15934 apathy, doomed herself to lie forever on the floor of her life as useless
15935 as an appendix and as lonely as a five-hundred pound barbell in a
15936 steroid-free fitness center.
15937 -- Winning sentence, 1990 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest
15939 Delusions are often functional. A mother's opinions about
15940 her children's beauty, intelligence, goodness, et cetera ad
15941 nauseam, keep her from drowning them at birth.
15943 Demand the establishment of the government
15944 in its rightful home at Disneyland.
15946 Democracy becomes a government of bullies, tempered by editors.
15947 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
15949 Democracy can only be measured on the existence of an opposition.
15950 -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967)
15952 Democracy is a device that ensures we shall be governed no better than
15954 -- George Bernard Shaw
15956 Democracy is a form of government in which it is permitted to wonder
15957 aloud what the country could do under first-class management.
15960 Democracy is a form of government that substitutes election by the
15961 incompetent many for appointment by the corrupt few.
15962 -- George Bernard Shaw
15964 Democracy is a government where you can say what you think even if you
15967 Democracy is a process by which the people are free to choose the man who
15968 will get the blame.
15969 -- Dr. Laurence J. Peter
15971 Democracy is also a form of worship.
15972 It is the worship of Jackals by Jackasses.
15975 Democracy is good. I say this because other systems are worse.
15976 -- Jawaharlal Nehru
15978 Democracy is the name we give the people whenever we need them.
15979 -- Arman de Caillavet, 1913
15981 Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half of the people
15982 are right more than half of the time.
15985 Democracy is the theory that the common people know what they want, and
15986 deserve to get it good and hard.
15987 -- H. L. Mencken, "Little Book in C major", 1916
15989 Democracy is the worst form of government except all those other
15990 forms that have been tried from time to time.
15991 -- Winston Churchill
15994 A government of the masses. Authority derived through mass
15995 meeting or any other form of direct expression. Results in mobocracy.
15996 Attitude toward property is communistic... negating property rights.
15997 Attitude toward law is that the will of the majority shall regulate,
15998 whether it is based upon deliberation or governed by passion,
15999 prejudice, and impulse, without restraint or regard to consequences.
16000 Result is demagogism, license, agitation, discontent, anarchy.
16001 -- U. S. Army Training Manual No. 2000-25 (1928-1932),
16005 In which you say what you like and do what you're told.
16008 The difference between a Democracy and a Dictatorship is that in a
16009 Democracy you vote first and take orders later; in a Dictatorship
16010 you don't have to waste your time voting.
16011 -- Charles Bukowski
16013 Democrats buy most of the books that have been banned somewhere.
16014 Republicans form censorship committees and read them as a group.
16016 Republicans consume three-fourths of the rutabaga produced in the USA.
16017 The remainder is thrown out.
16019 Republicans usually wear hats and almost always clean their paint brushes.
16021 Republicans study the financial pages of the newspaper.
16022 Democrats put them in the bottom of the bird cage.
16024 Most of the stuff alongside the road has been thrown out of car
16025 windows by Democrats.
16026 -- Paul Dickson, "The Official Rules"
16028 Demographic polls show that you have lost credibility across the
16029 board. Especially with those 14 year-old Valley girls.
16031 Dental health is next to mental health.
16034 A Prestidigitator who, putting metal in one's mouth, pulls
16035 coins out of one's pockets.
16036 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
16039 A smallish city located just below the `O' in Colorado.
16041 Depart in pieces, i.e., split.
16043 Depart not from the path which fate has assigned you.
16045 Department chairmen never die, they just lose their faculties.
16047 Depend on the rabbit's foot if you will,
16048 but remember, it didn't help the rabbit.
16051 Deprive a mirror of its silver and even the Czar won't see his face.
16053 Der Horizont vieler Menschen ist ein Kreis mit Radius Null -
16054 und das nennen sie ihren Standpunkt.
16057 What you regret not doing later on.
16060 What you regret not doing later on.
16062 Desist from enumerating your fowl
16063 prior to their emergence from the shell.
16065 Despising machines to a man,
16066 The Luddites joined up with the Klan,
16067 And ride out by night
16068 In a sheeting of white
16069 To lynch all the robots they can.
16070 -- C. M. and G. A. Maxson
16072 Despite all appearances, your boss
16073 is a thinking, feeling, human being.
16075 Dessert is probably the most important stage of the meal, since it will
16076 be the last thing your guests remember before they pass out all over
16078 -- The Anarchist Cookbook
16080 Destiny is a good thing to accept when it's going your way. When it isn't,
16081 don't call it destiny; call it injustice, treachery, or simple bad luck.
16082 -- Joseph Heller, "God Knows"
16084 Detroit is Cleveland without the glitter.
16087 If you hit two keys on the typewriter, the one you don't want
16090 Dianetics is a milestone for man comparable to his discovery of
16091 fire and superior to his invention of the wheel and the arch.
16094 Dibble's First Law of Sociology:
16095 Some do, some don't.
16097 Did I say 2? I lied.
16099 Did it ever occur to you that fat chance
16100 and slim chance mean the same thing?
16102 Or that we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
16104 Did you ever notice that everyone in favour of birth control
16105 has already been born?
16108 Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think
16109 that's how dogs spend their lives.
16112 Did you ever wonder what you'd say to God if He sneezed?
16114 "Did YOU find a DIGITAL WATCH in YOUR box of VELVEETA?"
16115 -- Zippy the Pinhead
16117 Did you hear about the model who sat
16118 on a broken bottle and cut a nice figure?
16120 Did you hear that Captain Crunch, Sugar Bear, Tony the Tiger, and
16121 Snap, Crackle and Pop were all murdered recently...
16123 Police suspect the work of a cereal killer!
16125 Did you hear that there's a group of South American Indians that worship
16130 Did you hear that two rabbits escaped from the zoo and so far they have
16131 only recaptured 116 of them?
16134 EVERY TIME A LOAF OF BREAD IS BAKED,
16136 150,000,000 YEASTS ARE
16139 Come to the award-winning 1987 film,
16140 "The Very Small and Quiet Screams"
16141 -- a cinematic electromicrograph of yeasts being baked.
16143 A must for those who care about yeast, and especially for those who don't.
16146 Brown Anaerobe Rights Coalition (BARC)
16147 Student Bakers for Social Responsibility
16148 Coalition for the ELevation of Life (CELL)
16149 Campus Crusade for Fetal Matters
16151 Defend all life: "From greatest to least, from human to yeast!"
16153 Did you know about the -o option of the fortune program? It makes a
16154 selection from a set of offensive and/or obscene fortunes. Why not
16155 try it, and see how offended you are? The -a ("all") option will
16156 select a fortune at random from either the offensive or inoffensive
16157 set, and it is suggested that "fortune -a" is the command that you
16158 should have in your .profile or .cshrc. file.
16160 Did you know that clones never use mirrors?
16161 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
16163 Did you know that for the price of a 280-Z you can buy two Z-80's?
16166 Did you know that if you took all the economists in the world and lined
16167 them up end to end, they'd still point in the wrong direction?
16171 That no-one ever reads these things?
16173 Did you know that the voice tapes easily identify the Russian pilot
16174 that shot down the Korean jet? At one point he definitely states:
16176 "Natasha! First we shoot jet, then we go after moose and
16181 Did you know the University of Iowa
16182 closed down after someone stole the book?
16184 Didja' ever have to make up your mind,
16185 Pick up on one and leave the other behind,
16186 It's not often easy, and it's not often kind,
16187 Didja' ever have to make up your mind?
16190 Didja hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper who sold his soul to Santa?
16192 "Didn't I buy a 1951 Packard from you last March in Cairo?"
16193 -- Zippy the Pinhead
16195 "Die? I should say not, dear fellow. No Barrymore would allow such a
16196 conventional thing to happen to him."
16197 -- John Barrymore's dying words
16200 To stop sinning suddenly.
16203 Diet Mountain Dew has the same pH and density of urine.
16204 -- Newsweek, 31 July, 1989
16206 Dieters live life in the fasting lane.
16208 Different all twisty a of in maze are you, passages little.
16210 Digital circuits are made from analog parts.
16213 Dignity is like a flag.
16214 It flaps in a storm.
16219 Dimensions will always be expressed in the least usable term, convertible
16220 only through the use of weird and unnatural conversion factors. Velocity,
16221 for example, will be expressed in furlongs per fortnight.
16223 Dimensions will always be expressed in the least usable term.
16224 Velocity, for example, will be expressed in furlongs per fortnight.
16226 Dinner is ready when the smoke alarm goes off.
16228 Dinner suggestion #302 (Hacker's De-lite):
16229 1 tin imported Brisling sardines in tomato sauce
16230 1 pouch Chocolate Malt Carnation Instant Breakfast
16233 Dinosaurs aren't extinct. They've just learned to hide in the trees.
16235 Diogenes, having abandoned his search for
16236 truth, is now searching for a good fantasy.
16238 Diogenes went to look for an honest lawyer. "How's it going?", someone
16239 asked him, after a few days.
16240 "Not too bad", replied Diogenes. "I still have my lantern."
16242 Diplomacy is about surviving until the next century.
16243 Politics is about surviving until Friday afternoon.
16244 -- Sir Humphrey Appleby
16246 Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else have your way.
16248 Diplomacy is the art of letting the other party have things your way.
16251 Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you can find a rock.
16254 Diplomacy is to do and say, the nastiest thing in the nicest way.
16260 Dirksen's Three Laws of Politics:
16264 3: Don't get mad, get even.
16265 -- Sen. Everett Dirksen
16268 As distinguished from some other bar.
16270 Disc space -- the final frontier!
16272 Disclaimer: Any resemblance between the above views and those of my
16273 employer, my terminal, or the view out my window are purely
16274 coincidental. Any resemblance between the above and my own views is
16275 non-deterministic. The question of the existence of views in the
16276 absence of anyone to hold them is left as an exercise for the reader.
16277 The question of the existence of the reader is left as an exercise for
16278 the second god coefficient. (A discussion of non-orthogonal,
16279 non-integral polytheism is beyond the scope of this article.)
16281 Disclaimer: "These opinions are my own, though for a small fee they be
16286 Use of this advanced computing technology does not imply
16287 an endorsement of Western industrial civilization.
16289 Disclose classified information only when a NEED TO KNOW exists.
16291 Disco is to music what Etch-A-Sketch is to art.
16293 Disease can be cured; fate is incurable.
16296 Dishonor will not trouble me, once I am dead.
16299 Disk crisis, please clean up!
16301 Disks travel in packs.
16303 Disraeli was pretty close: actually, there are Lies, Damn lies, Statistics,
16304 Benchmarks, and Delivery dates.
16306 Distance doesn't make you any smaller,
16307 but it does make you part of a larger picture.
16310 A different color or shape than our competitors.
16313 A disease incurred by exposure to the prosperity of a friend.
16314 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
16316 District of Columbia pedestrians who leap over passing autos to escape
16317 injury, and then strike the car as they come down, are liable for any
16318 damage inflicted on the vehicle.
16320 Distrust all those who love you extremely upon a very slight
16321 acquaintance and without any visible reason.
16322 -- Lord Chesterfield
16324 Ditat Deus. (God enriches.)
16326 Divorce is a game played by lawyers.
16329 Do clones have navels?
16331 Do I like getting drunk? Depends on who's doing the drinking.
16334 Do infants have as much fun in infancy as adults do in adultery?
16336 Do Miami a favor. When you leave, take someone with you.
16338 Do molecular biologists wear designer genes?
16340 Do more than anyone expects, and pretty soon everyone will expect more.
16342 Do not believe in miracles -- rely on them.
16344 Do not clog intellect's sluices with bits of knowledge of questionable uses.
16346 Do not count your chickens before they are hatched.
16349 Do not despair of life. You have no doubt force enough to overcome
16350 your obstacles. Think of the fox prowling through wood and field in
16351 a winter night for something to satisfy his hunger. Notwithstanding
16352 cold and hounds and traps, his race survives. I do not believe any
16353 of them ever committed suicide.
16354 -- Henry David Thoreau
16356 Do not do unto others as you would they should do unto you.
16357 Their tastes may not be the same.
16358 -- George Bernard Shaw
16360 Do not drink coffee in early a.m. It will keep you awake until noon.
16362 Do not handicap your children by making their lives easy.
16363 -- Robert A. Heinlein
16365 Do not meddle in the affairs of troff, for it is subtle and quick to
16368 "Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards, for you are crunchy and good
16371 Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards,
16372 for they become soggy and hard to light.
16374 Do not throw cigarette butts in the urinal,
16375 for they are subtle and quick to anger.
16377 Do not overtax your powers.
16379 Do not read this fortune under penalty of law.
16380 Violators will be prosecuted.
16381 (Penal Code sec. 2.3.2 (II.a.))
16383 Do not seek death; death will find you.
16384 But seek the road which makes death a fulfillment.
16385 -- Dag Hammarskjold
16387 Do not simplify the design of a program if a way
16388 can be found to make it complex and wonderful.
16390 Do not sleep in a eucalyptus tree tonight.
16392 Do not stoop to tie your laces in your neighbor's melon patch.
16394 Do not take life too seriously; you will never get out of it alive.
16396 Do not think by infection, catching an opinion like a cold.
16398 Do not try to solve all life's problems at once -- learn to dread each
16402 Do not underestimate the power of the Farce.
16404 Do not underestimate the power of the Force.
16406 Do not use that foreign word "ideals". We have that excellent native
16408 -- Henrik Ibsen, "The Wild Duck"
16410 Do not use the blue keys on this terminal.
16412 Do not worry about which side your
16413 bread is buttered on: you eat BOTH sides.
16415 Do nothing unless you must, and when you must act -- hesitate.
16417 Do, or do not; there is no try.
16419 Do people know you have freckles everywhere?
16421 Do something unusual today. Pay a bill.
16423 Do students of Zen Buddhism do Om-work?
16425 Do unto others before they undo you.
16427 Do what comes naturally. Seethe and fume and throw a tantrum.
16429 Do what comes naturally now. Seethe and fume and throw a tantrum.
16431 Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the Law.
16432 -- Aleister Crowley
16434 Do what you can to prolong your life,
16435 in the hope that someday you'll learn what it's for.
16437 Do you believe in intuition?
16438 No, but I have a strange feeling that someday I will.
16440 Do you feel personally responsible for the world food shortage?
16441 Every time you go to the beach, does the tide come in?
16442 Have you ever eaten an entire moose?
16443 Can you see your neck?
16444 Do joggers take laps around you for exercise?
16445 If so, welcome to National Fat Week.
16446 This week we'll eat without guilt, and kick off our membership campaign,
16447 ...by force-feeding a box of cornstarch to a skinny person.
16450 Do you guys know what you're doing, or are you just hacking?
16452 Do you have lysdexia?
16454 Do YOU have redeeming social value?
16456 Do you know, I think that Dr. Swift was silly to laugh about Laputa.
16457 I believe it is a mistake to make a mock of people, just because they
16458 think. There are ninety thousand people in this world who do not
16459 think, for every one who does, and these people hate the thinkers
16460 like poison. Even if some thinkers are fanciful, it is wrong to make
16461 fun of them for it. Better to think about cucumbers even, than not
16465 Do you know Montana?
16467 Do you know the difference between education and experience? Education
16468 is when you read the fine print; experience is what you get when you don't.
16471 Do you mean that you not only want a wrong
16472 answer, but a certain wrong answer?
16475 Do you realize how many holes there could be if people would just take
16476 the time to take the dirt out of them?
16478 Do you realize the responsibility I carry? I'm the only person standing
16479 between Nixon and the White House.
16480 -- John F. Kennedy, in 1960
16482 Do you suffer painful elimination?
16483 -- Donald E. Knuth, "Structured Programming with Gotos"
16485 Do you suffer painful recrimination?
16486 -- Nancy Boxer, "Structured Programming with Come-froms"
16488 Do you suffer painful illumination?
16489 -- Isaac Newton, "Optics"
16491 Do you suffer painful hallucination?
16492 -- Don Juan, cited by Carlos Casteneda
16494 Do you think that illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
16496 Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he
16497 just whipped out a quarter?
16500 "Do you think there's a God?"
16501 "Well, SOMEbody's out to get me!"
16502 -- Calvin and Hobbs
16504 "Do you think what we're doing is wrong?"
16505 "Of course it's wrong! It's illegal!"
16506 "I've never done anything illegal before."
16507 "I thought you said you were an accountant!"
16509 Do you think your mother and I should have lived
16510 comfortably so long together if ever we had been married?
16512 Do you want to know what's ahead for you, in your happiness at home,
16513 your business success? Here's a telling test: Look in the mirror. Is
16514 your skin smooth and lovely, your hair gleaming, your make-up glamorous?
16515 Are you slender enough for your height? Do you stand erect, confident?
16516 Yes? Then you are on your way to success as a woman.
16517 -- Ladies' Home Journal, 1947 advertisement
16519 Do your otters do the shimmy?
16520 Do they like to shake their tails?
16521 Do your wombats sleep in tophats?
16522 Is your garden full of snails?
16524 Do your part to help preserve life on
16525 Earth -- by trying to preserve your own.
16527 Doctors and lawyers must go to school for years and years, often with
16528 little sleep and with great sacrifice to their first wives.
16529 -- Roy G. Blount, Jr.
16532 Instructions translated from Swedish by Japanese for English
16535 Documentation is like sex: when it is good, it is very, very good; and
16536 when it is bad, it is better than nothing.
16539 Documentation is the castor oil of programming. Managers know it must
16540 be good because the programmers hate it so much.
16542 Does a good farmer neglect a crop he has planted?
16543 Does a good teacher overlook even the most humble student?
16544 Does a good father allow a single child to starve?
16545 Does a good programmer refuse to maintain his code?
16546 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
16548 Does a one-legged duck swim in a circle?
16550 Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
16552 Dogs just don't seem to be able to tell the difference between important people
16553 and the rest of us.
16555 Doin' it in the dark, down in Rock Creek Park.
16557 Doing gets it done.
16559 Domestic happiness and faithful friends.
16561 Don: I didn't know you had a cousin Penelope, Bill! Was she
16563 W. C.: Well, her face was so wrinkled it looked like seven miles of
16564 bad road. She had so many gold teeth, Don, she use to have to
16565 sleep with her head in a safe. She died in Bolivia.
16566 Don: Oh Bill, it must be hard to lose a relative.
16567 W. C.: It's almost impossible.
16568 -- W. C. Fields, from "The Further Adventures of Larson
16569 E. Whipsnade and other Tarradiddles"
16571 Don't abandon hope: your Tom Mix decoder ring arrives tomorrow.
16573 Don't abandon hope.
16574 Your Captain Midnight decoder ring arrives tomorrow.
16576 Don't assume that every sad-eyed woman has loved and lost -- she may
16579 Don't be concerned, it will not harm you,
16580 It's only me pursuing something I'm not sure of,
16581 Across my dreams, with neptive wonder,
16582 I chase the bright elusive butterfly of love.
16584 Don't be humble ... you're not that great.
16587 Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
16589 Don't be overly suspicious where it's not warranted.
16591 Don't believe everything you hear or anything you say.
16593 Don't buy a landslide. I don't want to have to pay for one more vote
16595 -- Joseph P. Kennedy, on JFK's election strategy
16597 Don't change the reason, just change the excuses!
16600 "Don't come back until you have him", the Tick-Tock Man said quietly,
16601 sincerely, extremely dangerously.
16603 They used dogs. They used probes. They used cardio plate crossoffs.
16604 They used teepers. They used bribery. They used stick tites. They
16605 used intimidation. They used torment. They used torture. They used
16606 finks. They used cops. They used search and seizure. They used
16607 fallaron. They used betterment incentives. They used finger prints.
16608 They used the bertillion system. They used cunning. They used guile.
16609 They used treachery. They used Raoul-Mitgong but he wasn't much help.
16610 They used applied physics. They used techniques of criminology. And
16611 what the hell, they caught him.
16613 -- Harlan Ellison, "Repent, Harlequin, said the
16616 Don't compare floating point numbers solely for equality.
16618 Don't confuse things that need action
16619 with those that take care of themselves.
16621 Don't cook tonight -- starve a rat today!
16623 Don't crush that dwarf, hand me the pliers!
16624 -- Firesign Theatre
16626 Don't despair; your ideal lover is waiting for you around the corner.
16628 Don't despise your poor relations, they may become suddenly rich one day.
16631 Don't do the crime, if you can't do the time.
16632 -- Lt. Col. Ollie North
16634 Don't drink when you drive -- you might hit a bump and spill it.
16636 Don't drop acid -- take it pass/fail.
16637 -- Seen in a Ladies Room at Harvard
16639 Don't eat yellow snow.
16641 Don't ever slam a door; you might want to go back.
16643 Don't everyone thank me at once!
16646 Don't expect people to keep in step--
16647 it's hard enough just staying in line.
16649 Don't feed the bats tonight.
16651 Don't force it, get a larger hammer.
16654 Don't get even -- get odd!
16656 Don't get mad, get even.
16657 -- Joseph P. Kennedy
16659 Don't get even, get jewelry.
16662 Don't get mad, get interest.
16664 Don't get stuck in a closet -- wear yourself out.
16666 Don't get suckered in by the comments -- they can be terribly
16667 misleading. Debug only code.
16670 Don't get to bragging.
16672 "Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes
16673 you nothing. It was here first."
16676 Don't go surfing in South Dakota for a while.
16678 Don't go to bed with no price on your head.
16681 Don't guess - check your security regulations.
16683 Don't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep till noon.
16685 Don't have good ideas if you aren't willing to be responsible for them.
16687 Don't hit a man when he's down -- kick him; it's easier.
16689 Don't hit the keys so hard, it hurts.
16693 Don't interfere with the stranger's style.
16695 Don't just eat a hamburger; eat the HELL out of it.
16696 -- J. R. "Bob" Dobbs
16698 Don't kid yourself. Little is relevant, and nothing lasts forever.
16700 Don't kiss an elephant on the lips today.
16702 Don't knock President Fillmore. He kept us out of Vietnam.
16704 Don't know what time I'll be back, Mom.
16705 Probably soon after she throws me out.
16707 Don't let go of what you've got hold of,
16708 until you have hold of something else.
16709 -- First Rule of Wing Walking
16711 Don't let nobody tell you what you cannot do;
16712 don't let nobody tell you what's impossible for you;
16713 don't let nobody tell you what you got to do,
16714 or you'll never know ... what's on the other side of the rainbow...
16715 remember, if you don't follow your dreams,
16716 you'll never know what's on the other side of the rainbow...
16717 -- melba moore, "the other side of the rainbow"
16719 Don't let people drive you crazy when you know it's in walking distance.
16721 Don't let your mind wander -- it's too little to be let out alone.
16723 Don't let your status become too quo!
16725 Don't look back, the lemmings are gaining on you.
16727 Don't look back, the lemmings might be gaining on you.
16729 Don't look now, but the man in the moon is laughing at you.
16731 Don't look now, but there is a multi-legged creature on your shoulder.
16737 Your brains are in it.
16740 Don't make a big deal out of everything; just deal with everything.
16742 Don't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper.
16743 -- Scottish proverb
16745 Don't mind him; politicians always sound like that.
16747 Don't plan any hasty moves.
16748 You'll be evicted soon anyway.
16750 Don't put off for tomorrow what you can do today, because if you enjoy
16751 it today you can do it again tomorrow.
16753 Don't put off for tomorrow what you can do today because
16754 if you do it today, you can do it again tomorrow.
16756 Don't put too fine a point to your wit for fear it should get blunted.
16757 -- Miguel de Cervantes
16759 Don't quit now, we might just as well
16760 lock the door and throw away the key.
16762 Don't read any sky-writing for the next two weeks.
16764 Don't read everything you believe.
16766 Don't relax! It's only your tension that's holding you together.
16768 Don't remember what you can infer.
16771 Don't say "yes" until I finish talking.
16772 -- Darryl F. Zanuck
16774 Don't shoot until you're sure you both aren't on the same side.
16776 Don't shout for help at night. You might wake your neighbors.
16777 -- Stanislaw J. Lec, "Unkempt Thoughts"
16779 Don't smoke the next cigarette. Repeat.
16781 Don't speak about Time, until you have spoken to him.
16783 Don't steal... the IRS hates competition!
16785 Don't steal; thou'lt never thus compete successfully in business.
16789 Don't stop to stomp ants when the elephants are stampeding.
16791 Don't suspect your friends -- turn them in!
16794 Don't sweat it -- it's only ones and zeros.
16797 Don't take a nickel, just hand them your business card.
16798 -- Richard Daley, advising on the safe enjoyment of graft
16800 Don't take life seriously, you'll never get out alive.
16802 Don't take life so serious, son, it ain't nohow permanent.
16805 Don't take life too seriously -- you'll never get out of it alive.
16807 Don't talk to me about naval tradition. It's nothing but rum,
16808 sodomy and the lash.
16809 -- Winston Churchill
16811 Don't tell any big lies today. Small ones can be just as effective.
16813 Don't tell me how hard you work. Tell me how much you get done.
16816 "Don't tell me I'm burning the candle at both ends -- tell me where to
16819 Don't tell me that worry doesn't do any good.
16820 I know better. The things I worry about don't happen.
16821 -- Watchman Examiner
16823 Don't tell me what you dream'd last night for I've been reading Freud.
16825 Don't try to have the last word -- you might get it.
16828 Don't try to outweird me, three-eyes. I get stranger things than you free
16829 with my breakfast cereal.
16830 -- Zaphod Beeblebrox
16832 Don't vote - it only encourages them!
16834 Don't wake me up too soon...
16835 Gonna take a ride across the moon...
16838 Don't worry. Life's too long.
16839 -- Vincent Sardi, Jr.
16841 Don't worry -- the brontosaurus is slow, stupid, and placid.
16843 Don't worry about avoiding temptation -- as you grow older, it starts
16845 -- The Old Farmer's Almanac
16847 "Don't worry about people stealing your ideas. If your ideas are any
16848 good, you'll have to ram them down people's throats."
16851 Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already
16852 tomorrow in Australia.
16855 Don't Worry, Be Happy.
16858 Don't worry if you're a kleptomaniac,
16859 you can always take something for it.
16861 Don't worry over what other people are thinking about you. They're too
16862 busy worrying over what you are thinking about them.
16864 Don't worry so loud, your roommate can't think.
16866 Don't you feel more like you do now than you did when you came in?
16868 "Don't you think what we're doing is wrong?"
16869 "Of course it's wrong! It's illegal!"
16870 "Well, I've never done anything illegal before."
16871 "... I thought you said you were an accountant."
16873 Don't you wish that all the people who sincerely
16874 want to help you could agree with each other?
16876 Don't you wish you had more energy... or less ambition?
16878 Dorothy: But how can you talk without a brain?
16879 Scarecrow: Well, I don't know... but some people
16880 without brains do an awful lot of talking.
16881 -- The Wizard of Oz
16885 Double Bucky, you're the one,
16886 You make my keyboard so much fun,
16887 Double Bucky, an additional bit or two, (Vo-vo-de-o)
16888 Control and meta, side by side,
16889 Augmented ASCII, 9 bits wide!
16890 Double Bucky, a half a thousand glyphs, plus a few!
16892 Oh, I sure wish that I,
16893 Had a couple of bits more!
16894 Perhaps a set of pedals to make the number of bits four.
16896 Double Double Bucky! Double Bucky left and right
16897 OR'd together, outta sight!
16898 Double Bucky, I'd like a whole word of,
16899 Double Bucky, I'm happy I heard of,
16900 Double Bucky, I'd like a whole word of you!
16901 -- to Nicholas Wirth, who suggested that an extra bit
16902 be added to terminal codes on 36-bit machines for use
16903 by screen editors. [to the tune of "Rubber Ducky"]
16905 Double-Blind Experiment, n.:
16906 An experiment in which the chief researcher believes he is
16907 fooling both the subject and the lab assistant. Often accompanied by a
16908 strong belief in the tooth fairy.
16910 Doubt is a not a pleasant mental state, but certainty is a ridiculous one.
16913 Doubt is not a pleasant condition, but certainty is absurd.
16916 Doubt isn't the opposite of faith; it is an element of faith.
16917 -- Paul Tillich, German theologian
16919 Down to the Banana Republics,
16920 Down to the tropical sun.
16921 Go the expatriated Americans,
16922 Hoping to find some fun.
16923 Some of them go for the sailing,
16924 Caught by the lure of the sea.
16925 Trying to find what is ailing,
16926 Living in the land of the free.
16927 Some of them are running from lovers,
16928 Leaving no forward address.
16929 Some of them are running tons of ganja,
16930 Some are running from the IRS.
16931 Late at night you will find them,
16932 In the cheap hotels and bars.
16933 Hustling the senoritas,
16934 While they dance beneath the stars.
16935 -- Jimmy Buffet, "Banana Republics"
16937 Down with categorical imperative!
16939 Down with the categorical imperative!
16942 In a hierarchical organization,
16943 the higher the level, the greater the confusion.
16945 Dozens of bears are found dead in Alaska and Canada every summer, killed
16946 by blood lost to the voracious mosquito. The estimated life-expectancy
16947 of a naked man on the tundra in summer is about 15 minutes. In that
16948 time, approximately 250,000 mosquitoes would have drawn enough blood to
16950 -- Gus McLeavy, "Day-by-Day Trivia Almanac"
16952 Dr. Fritzkee's Lucky Astrology Diet
16954 The problem with the diets of today is that most women who do achieve
16955 that magic weight, seventy-six pounds, are still fat. Dr. Fritzkee's
16956 Lucky Astrology Diet is a sure-fire method of reducing with the added
16957 luxury that you never feel hungry.
16959 Here's how the diet works:
16962 First Month: One egg
16963 Second Month: A raisin
16964 Third Month: Pumpkin pie with whipped cream and chocolate sauce.
16966 If after the third month you haven't gotten to your dream weight, try
16967 lopping off parts of your body until those scales tip just right for you.
16969 Dr. Jekyll had something to Hyde.
16972 Dr. Livingston I. Presume?
16974 Drakenberg's Discovery:
16975 If you can't seem to find your glasses,
16976 it's probably because you don't have them on.
16978 Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.
16980 Dreams are free, but there's a small charge for alterations.
16982 Dreams are free, but you get soaked on the connect time.
16984 Drew's Law of Highway Biology:
16985 The first bug to hit a clean windshield lands directly in front
16988 Drilling for oil is boring.
16990 Drink and dance and laugh and lie
16991 Love, the reeling midnight through
16992 For tomorrow we shall die!
16993 (But, alas, we never do.)
16994 -- Dorothy Parker, "The Flaw in Paganism"
16996 Drink Canada Dry! You might not succeed, but it *__
\b\bis* fun trying.
16998 Drinking coffee for instant relaxation? That's like drinking alcohol for
16999 instant motor skills.
17002 Drinking is not a spectator sport.
17005 Drinking makes such fools of people, and people are such fools to begin
17006 with, that it's compounding a felony.
17009 Drinking when we are not thirsty and making love at all seasons, madam:
17010 that is all there is to distinguish us from the other animals.
17011 -- Pierre de Beaumarchais, "Le Marriage de Figaro"
17013 Drive defensively. Buy a tank.
17015 Driving in Texas is simple. For the first 100 miles you swerve to
17016 avoid jackrabbits. For the second 100 miles you hit whatever
17017 jackrabbits get in the way. After that you chase off into the
17020 Driving through a Swiss city one day, Alfred Hitchcock suddenly pointed out
17021 of the car window and said, "That is the most frightening sight I have ever
17022 seen." His companion was surprised to see nothing more alarming than a
17023 priest in conversation with a little boy, his hand on the child's shoulder.
17024 "Run, little boy," cried Hitchcock, leaning out of the car. "Run for your
17029 DROP THE DAMN BEAR!!!
17032 Drop the vase and it will become a Ming of the past.
17036 A substance that, when injected into a rat, produces a scientific
17039 Drugs may be the road to nowhere, but at least they're the scenic route!
17041 Drunks are rarely amusing unless they know some good songs and lose a
17046 If you view your problem closely enough you will recognize
17047 yourself as part of the problem.
17049 Ducharme's Precept:
17050 Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment.
17052 Ducharme's Precept:
17053 Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment.
17056 If you view your problem closely enough you will recognize
17057 yourself as part of the problem.
17061 Ducks? What ducks??
17063 Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, and a dark side, and
17064 it holds the universe together ...
17067 Due to a shortage of devoted followers, the production of great leaders
17068 has been discontinued.
17070 Due to circumstances beyond your control, you are master of your fate
17071 and captain of your soul.
17073 Due to lack of disk space, this fortune database has been
17076 Dungeons and Dragons is just a lot of Saxon Violence.
17078 During almost fifteen centuries the legal establishment of Christianity has
17079 been upon trial. What has been its fruits? More or less, in all places,
17080 pride and indolence in the clergy; ignorance and servility in the laity,;
17081 in both, superstition, bigotry, and persecution.
17084 During the next two hours, the system will be going up and down several
17085 times, often with lin~po_~{po ~poz~ppo\~{ o n~po_
\a~{o[po ~y oodsou>#w4k**n~po_
\a~{ol;lkld;f;g;dd;po\~{o
17087 During the next two hours, the VAX will be going up and down
17088 several times, often with lin~po_
\a~{po ~poz~ppo\~{ o n~po_
\a~
17089 {o[po ~poodsou>#w4k**n~po_
\a~{ol;lkld;f;g;dd;po\~{o
17091 During the Reagan-Mondale debates:
17093 Q: "Do you feel that a person's age affects his ability to
17094 perform as president?"
17095 Reagan: "I refuse to make an issue out of my opponent's youth and
17098 During the voyage of life, remember to keep an eye out for a
17099 fair wind; batten down during a storm; hail all passing ships;
17100 and fly your colors proudly.
17102 Dustin Farnum: Why, yesterday, I had the audience glued to their seats!
17103 Oliver Herford: Wonderful! Wonderful! Clever of you to think of it!
17104 -- Brian Herbert, "Classic Comebacks"
17107 What one expects from others.
17110 "Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have
17111 nothing whatever to do with it."
17112 -- W. Somerset Maugham
17114 Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. My advice to you is to have
17115 nothing whatever to do with it.
17116 -- W. Somerset Maugham, his last words
17118 Dying is easy. Comedy is difficult.
17119 -- Actor Edmond Gween, on his deathbed
17121 Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.
17128 Each man is his own prisoner, in solitary confinement for life.
17130 Each new user of a new system uncovers a new class of bugs.
17133 Each of these cults correspond to one of the two antagonists in the age of
17134 Reformation. In the realm of the Apple Macintosh, as in Catholic Europe,
17135 worshipers peer devoutly into screens filled with "icons." All is sound and
17136 imagery and Appledom. Even words look like decorative filigrees in exotic
17137 typefaces. The greatest icon of all, the inviolable Apple itself, stands in
17138 the dominate position at the upper-left corner of the screen. A central
17139 corporate headquarters decrees the form of all rites and practices.
17140 Infallible doctrine issues from one executive officer whose selection occurs
17141 in a sealed boardroom. Should anyone in his curia question his powers, the
17142 offender is excommunicated into outer darkness. The expelled heretic founds
17143 a new company, mutters obscurely of the coming age and the next computer,
17144 then disappears into silence, taking his stockholders with him. The mother
17145 company forbids financial competition as sternly as it stifles ideological
17146 competition; if you want to use computer programs that conform to Apple's
17147 orthodoxy, you must buy a computer made and sold by Apple itself.
17148 -- Edward Mendelson, "The New Republic", February 22, 1988
17150 Each of us bears his own Hell.
17151 -- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil)
17153 Each person has the right to take part in the management of public affairs
17154 in his country, provided he has prior experience, a will to succeed, a
17155 university degree, influential parents, good looks, a curriculum vitae, two
17156 3 X 4 snapshots, and a good tax record.
17158 Each person has the right to take the subway.
17161 Any code of your own that you haven't looked at for six or more
17162 months, might as well have been written by someone else. (Eagleson is
17163 an optimist, the real number is more like three weeks.)
17167 NAME: Jean-Luc Perriwinkle Picard
17168 OCCUPATION: Starship Big Cheese
17170 BIRTHPLACE: Paris, Terra Sector
17174 LAST MAGAZINE READ:
17175 Lobes 'n' Probes, the Ferengi-Betazoid Sex Quarterly
17176 TEA: Earl Grey. Hot.
17178 EARL GREY NEVER VARIES.
17180 Earl Wiener, 55, a University of Miami professor of management
17181 science, telling the Airline Pilots Association (in jest) about
17182 21st century aircraft:
17184 "The crew will consist of one pilot and a dog. The pilot will
17185 nurture and feed the dog. The dog will be there to bite the
17186 pilot if he touches anything.
17187 -- Fortune, Sept. 26, 1988
17189 Early to bed and early to rise and you'll
17190 be groggy when everyone else is wide awake.
17192 Early to rise and early to bed makes
17193 a man healthy and wealthy and dead.
17196 Earn cash in your spare time -- blackmail your friends
17198 Earth Destroyed by Solar Flare -- film clips at eleven.
17200 /earth: file system full.
17202 /earth is 98% full ... please delete anyone you can.
17204 Earth is a beta site.
17206 Earth is a great, big funhouse without the fun.
17209 Easiest Color to Solve on a Rubik's Cube:
17210 Black. Simply remove all the little colored stickers on the
17211 cube, and each of side of the cube will now be the original color of
17212 the plastic underneath -- black. According to the instructions, this
17213 means the puzzle is solved.
17214 -- Steve Rubenstein
17216 Easiest Color to Solve on a Rubik's Cube: Black.
17218 Simply remove all the little colored stickers on the cube, and each of
17219 side of the cube will now be the original color of the plastic underneath
17220 -- black. According to the instructions, this means the puzzle is solved.
17222 Easy come and easy go,
17223 some call me easy money,
17224 Sometimes life is full of laughs,
17225 and sometimes it ain't funny
17226 You may think that I'm a fool
17227 and sometimes that is true,
17228 But I'm goin' to heaven in a flash of fire,
17229 with or without you.
17232 Eat as much as you like -- just don't swallow it.
17233 -- Harry Secombe's diet
17235 Eat, drink, and be merry! Tomorrow you may be in Utah.
17237 Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow we diet.
17239 Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow you may work.
17241 Eat one live frog the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will
17242 happen to either of you for the rest of the day.
17244 Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse
17245 will happen to you the rest of the day.
17247 [Well, actually, to either of you... Ed.]
17249 Eat right, stay fit, and die anyway.
17251 Eating chocolate is like being in love without the aggravation.
17253 Economics is extremely useful as a form of employment for economists.
17254 -- John Kenneth Galbraith
17257 Economics is the study of the value and meaning of J. K.
17259 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
17261 Economies of scale:
17262 The notion that bigger is better. In particular, that if you want
17263 a certain amount of computer power, it is much better to buy one
17264 biggie than a bunch of smallies. Accepted as an article of faith
17265 by people who love big machines and all that complexity. Rejected
17266 as an article of faith by those who love small machines and all
17270 Someone who's good with figures, but doesn't have enough
17271 personality to become an accountant.
17273 Economists can certainly disappoint you. One said that the economy
17274 would turn up by the last quarter. Well, I'm down to mine and it
17278 Economists state their GNP growth projections to the nearest tenth of a
17279 percentage point to prove they have a sense of humor.
17280 -- Edgar R. Fiedler
17282 Ed Sullivan will be around as long as someone else has talent.
17285 Editing is a rewording activity.
17287 Education and religion are two things not regulated by supply and
17288 demand. The less of either the people have, the less they want.
17289 -- Charlotte Observer, 1897
17291 Education is an admirable thing, but it is well to remember from time to
17292 time that nothing that is worth knowing can be taught.
17293 -- Oscar Wilde, "The Critic as Artist"
17295 Education is learning what you didn't even know you didn't know.
17296 -- Daniel J. Boorstin
17298 Education is the process of casting false pearls before real swine.
17301 Education is what survives when what has been learnt has been forgotten.
17304 Educational television should be absolutely forbidden. It can only lead
17305 to unreasonable disappointment when your child discovers that the letters
17306 of the alphabet do not leap up out of books and dance around with
17307 royal-blue chickens.
17308 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"
17310 Eeny, Meeny, Jelly Beanie, the spirits are about to speak!
17311 -- Bullwinkle J. Moose
17313 Eeny, Meeny, Jelly Beanie,
17314 The spirits are about to speak...
17316 Eggheads unite! You have nothing to lose but your yolks.
17319 Eggnog is a traditional holiday drink invented by the English. Many
17320 people wonder where the word "eggnog" comes from. The first syllable
17321 comes from the English word "egg", meaning "egg". I don't know where
17322 the "nog" comes from.
17324 To make eggnog, you'll need rum, whiskey, wine, gin and, if they are in
17327 Ego sum ens omnipotens
17329 Egotism is the anesthetic given by a kindly nature to relieve the pain
17330 of being a damned fool.
17333 Egotism is the anesthetic which numbs the pain of stupidity.
17336 Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle with a pen.
17339 A person of low taste, more interested in himself than me.
17340 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
17343 A person of low taste, more interested in himself than me.
17344 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
17346 egrep -n '^[a-z].*\(' $ | sort -t':' +2.0
17348 Ehrman's Commentary:
17349 (1) Things will get worse before they get better.
17350 (2) Who said things would get better?
17352 Eighty percent of air pollution comes from plants and trees.
17353 -- Ronald Reagan, famous movie star
17355 ...eighty years later he could still recall with the young pang of his
17356 original joy his falling in love with Ada.
17359 Einstein argued that there must be simplified explanations of nature, because
17360 God is not capricious or arbitrary. No such faith comforts the software
17362 -- Frederick Brooks
17364 Either I'm dead or my watch has stopped.
17365 -- Groucho Marx' last words
17368 The actions of two people maneuvering for one
17369 armrest in a movie theatre.
17370 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
17373 Sits at the keyboard
17374 And waits for a line on the screen
17378 That will make the machine do some more.
17381 All the lonely users, where do they all come from?
17382 All the lonely users, why does it take so long?
17385 Sits at the keyboard
17386 And waits for a line on the screen
17390 That will make the machine do some more.
17393 All the lonely users, where do they all come from?
17394 All the lonely users, why does it take so long?
17397 Writing the code for a program
17398 that no one will run
17400 Look at him working,
17401 fixing the bugs in the night
17402 when there's nobody there.
17405 All the lonely users, where do they all come from?
17406 All the lonely users, why does it take so long?
17407 Ah, look at all the lonely users.
17408 Ah, look at all the lonely users.
17412 2 boxes JELL-O brand gelatin 2 packages Knox brand unflavored gelatin
17413 2 cups fruit (any variety) 2+ cups water
17414 1/2 bottle Everclear brand grain alcohol
17416 Mix JELL-O and Knox gelatin into 2 cups of boiling water. Stir 'til
17418 Pour hot mixture into a flat pan. (JELL-O molds won't work.)
17419 Stir in grain alcohol instead of usual cold water. Remove any congealing
17420 glops of slime. (Alcohol has an unusual effect on excess JELL-O.)
17421 Pour in fruit to desired taste, and to absorb any excess alcohol.
17422 Mix in some cold water to dilute the alcohol and make it easier to eat for
17423 the faint of heart.
17424 Refrigerate overnight to allow mixture to fully harden. (About 8-12 hours.)
17425 Cut into squares and enjoy!
17428 Keep ingredients away from open flame. Not recommended for
17429 children under eight years of age.
17431 Electrical Engineers do it with less resistance.
17434 Burning at the stake with all the modern improvements.
17436 Elegance and truth are inversely related.
17440 A mouse built to government specifications.
17442 Elevators smell different to midgets.
17444 Eleventh Law of Acoustics:
17445 In a minimum-phase system there is an inextricable link between
17446 frequency response, phase response and transient response, as they
17447 are all merely transforms of one another. This combined with
17448 minimalization of open-loop errors in output amplifiers and correct
17449 compensation for non-linear passive crossover network loading can
17450 lead to a significant decrease in system resolution lost. However,
17451 of course, this all means jack when you listen to Pink Floyd.
17453 Eli and Bessie went to sleep.
17454 In the middle of the night, Bessie nudged Eli.
17455 "Please be so kindly and close the window. It's cold outside!"
17456 Half asleep, Eli murmured,
17457 "Nu ... so if I'll close the window, will it be warm outside?"
17459 Elliptic paraboloids for sale.
17462 The feel of a kiss.
17464 Eloquence is logic on fire.
17466 Elwood: What kind of music do you get here ma'am?
17467 Barmaid: Why, we get both kinds of music, Country and Western.
17470 A slow-moving parody of a text editor.
17472 Emerson's Law of Contrariness:
17473 Our chief want in life is somebody who shall make us do what we
17474 can. Having found them, we shall then hate them for it.
17476 Encyclopedia for sale by father.
17477 Son knows everything.
17479 Encyclopedia Salesmen:
17480 Invite them all in. Nip out the back door. Phone the police
17481 and tell them your house is being burgled.
17482 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
17484 Endless Loop: n., see Loop, Endless.
17485 Loop, Endless: n., see Endless Loop.
17486 -- Random Shack Data Processing Dictionary
17488 Endless the world's turn, endless the sun's spinning
17490 I turn again, back to my own beginning,
17491 And here, find rest.
17493 Enemy -- SP (Suppressive Person) Order. Fair Game. May be deprived of
17494 property or injured by any means by any Scientologist without any discipline
17495 of the Scientologist. May be tricked, sued or lied to or destroyed.
17496 -- L. Ron Hubbard, "Fair Game Doctrine"
17498 Engineering: "How will this work?"
17499 Science: "Why will this work?"
17500 Management: "When will this work?"
17501 Liberal Arts: "Do you want fries with that?"
17503 English literature's performing flea.
17504 -- Sean O'Casey on P. G. Wodehouse
17507 1. The physical manifestation of human memory -- "the engram."
17508 2. A particular memory in physical form. [Usage note: this term is no longer
17509 in common use. Prior to Wilson and Magruder's historic discovery, the nature
17510 of the engram was a topic of intense speculation among neuroscientists,
17511 psychologists, and even computer scientists. In 1994 Professors M. R. Wilson
17512 and W. V. Magruder, both of Mount St. Coax University in Palo Alto, proved
17513 conclusively that the mammalian brain is hardwired to interpret a set of
17514 thirty seven genetically transmitted cooperating TECO macros. Human memory
17515 was shown to reside in 1 million Q-registers as Huffman coded uppercase-only
17516 ASCII strings. Interest in the engram has declined substantially since that
17518 -- New Century Unabridged English Dictionary,
17519 3rd edition, 2007 A.D.
17522 To tamper with an image, usually to its detriment.
17524 Enjoy your life; be pleasant and gay, like the birds in May.
17526 Enjoy yourself while you're still old.
17529 A high-rolling risk taker who would rather
17530 be a spectacular failure than a dismal success.
17532 Entropy isn't what it used to be.
17534 Entropy requires no maintenance.
17537 Envy is a pain of mind that successful men cause their neighbors.
17541 Wishing you'd been born with an unfair advantage,
17542 instead of having to try and acquire one.
17544 Enzymes are things invented by biologists that explain things which
17545 otherwise require harder thinking.
17549 When a man says it's a silly, childish game, it's probably
17550 something his wife can beat him at.
17552 Equal bytes for women.
17554 Ere the cock crows thrice one of you will betray me.
17555 -- Early Jewish Resistance Leader
17557 Ernest asks Frank how long he has been working for the company.
17558 "Ever since they threatened to fire me."
17560 Error in operator: add beer
17562 Es brilig war. Die schlichte Toven
17563 Wirrten und wimmelten in Waben;
17564 Und aller-m"
\bumsige Burggoven
17565 Dir mohmen R"
\bath ausgraben.
17566 -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass"
17568 Eschew obfuscation.
17570 Established technology tends to persist in the face of new technology.
17571 -- G. Blaauw, one of the designers of System 360
17573 E.T. GO HOME!!! (And take your Smurfs with you.)
17575 Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.
17578 Eternity is a terrible thought. I mean, where's it going to end?
17581 Etiquette is for those with no breeding;
17582 fashion for those with no taste.
17585 Some early etymological scholars came up with derivations that
17586 were hard for the public to believe. The term "etymology" was formed
17587 from the Latin "etus" ("eaten"), the root "mal" ("bad"), and "logy"
17588 ("study of"). It meant "the study of things that are hard to swallow."
17591 Euch ist bekannt, was wir beduerfen;
17592 Wir wollen stark Getraenke schluerfen.
17593 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe, "Faust"
17595 Eudaemonic research proceeded with the casual mania peculiar to this part of
17596 the world. Nude sunbathing on the back deck was combined with phone calls to
17597 Advanced Kinetics in Costa Mesa, American Laser Systems in Goleta, Automation
17598 Industries in Danbury, Connecticut, Arenberg Ultrasonics in Jamaica Plain,
17599 Massachusetts, and Hewlett Packard in Sunnyvale, California, where Norman
17600 Packard's cousin, David, presided as chairman of the board. The trick was to
17601 make these calls at noon, in the hope that out-to-lunch executives would return
17602 them at their own expense. Eudaemonic Enterprises, for all they knew, might be
17603 a fast-growing computer company branching out of the Silicon Valley. Sniffing
17604 the possibility of high-volume sales, these executives little suspected that
17605 they were talking on the other end of the line to a naked physicist crazed
17607 -- Thomas Bass, "The Eudaemonic Pie"
17612 Even a blind pig stumbles upon a few acorns.
17614 Even a cabbage may look at a king.
17616 Even a hawk is an eagle among crows.
17618 Even a man who is pure at heart,
17619 And says his prayers at night
17620 Can become a wolf when the wolfbane blooms,
17621 And the moon is full and bright.
17622 -- The Wolf Man, 1941
17624 Even God cannot change the past.
17627 Even God lends a hand to honest boldness.
17630 Even if you do learn to speak correct English, whom are you going to
17634 Even if you persuade me, you won't persuade me.
17637 "Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit
17641 Even in the moment of our earliest kiss,
17642 When sighed the straitened bud into the flower,
17643 Sat the dry seed of most unwelcome this;
17644 And that I knew, though not the day and hour.
17645 Too season-wise am I, being country-bred,
17646 To tilt at autumn or defy the frost:
17647 Snuffing the chill even as my fathers did,
17648 I say with them, "What's out tonight is lost."
17649 I only hoped, with the mild hope of all
17650 Who watch the leaf take shape upon the tree,
17651 A fairer summer and a later fall
17652 Than in these parts a man is apt to see,
17653 And sunny clusters ripened for the wine:
17654 I tell you this across the blackened vine.
17655 -- Edna St. Vincent Millay, "Even in the Moment of
17656 Our Earliest Kiss", 1931
17658 Even moderation ought not to be practiced to excess.
17660 "Even the best of friends cannot attend each other's funeral."
17661 -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
17663 Even though they raised the rate for first class mail in the United
17664 States we really shouldn't complain -- it's still only two cents a
17667 Events are not affected, they develop.
17670 Ever feel like life was a game and you had the wrong instruction book?
17672 Ever feel like you're the head pin on life's
17673 bowling alley, and everyone's rolling strikes?
17675 Ever get the feeling that the world's
17676 on tape and one of the reels is missing?
17679 Ever notice that even the busiest people are never too busy to tell you
17680 just how busy they are?
17682 Ever notice that the word "therapist" breaks down into "the rapist"?
17683 Simple coincidence?
17686 Ever Onward! Ever Onward!
17687 That's the sprit that has brought us fame.
17688 We're big but bigger we will be,
17689 We can't fail for all can see, that to serve humanity
17691 Our products now are known in every zone.
17692 Our reputation sparkles like a gem.
17693 We've fought our way thru
17694 And new fields we're sure to conquer, too
17695 For the Ever Onward IBM!
17696 -- Ever Onward, from the 1940 IBM Songbook
17698 Ever Onward! Ever Onward!
17699 We're bound for the top to never fall,
17700 Right here and now we thankfully
17701 Pledge sincerest loyalty
17702 To the corporation that's the best of all
17703 Our leaders we revere and while we're here,
17704 Let's show the world just what we think of them!
17705 So let us sing men -- Sing men
17706 Once or twice, then sing again
17707 For the Ever Onward IBM!
17708 -- Ever Onward, from the 1940 IBM Songbook
17710 Ever since I was a young boy,
17711 I've hacked the ARPA net,
17712 From Berkeley down to Rutgers, He's on my favorite terminal,
17713 Any access I could get, He cats C right into foo,
17714 But ain't seen nothing like him, His disciples lead him in,
17715 On any campus yet, And he just breaks the root,
17716 That deaf, dumb, and blind kid, Always has full SYS-PRIV's,
17717 Sure sends a mean packet. Never uses lint,
17718 That deaf, dumb, and blind kid,
17719 Sure sends a mean packet.
17720 He's a UNIX wizard,
17721 There has to be a twist.
17722 The UNIX wizard's got Ain't got no distractions,
17723 Unlimited space on disk. Can't hear no whistles or bells,
17724 How do you think he does it? Can't see no message flashing,
17725 I don't know. Types by sense of smell,
17726 What makes him so good? Those crazy little programs,
17727 The proper bit flags set,
17728 That deaf, dumb, and blind kid,
17729 Sure sends a mean packet.
17732 Ever since prehistoric times, wise men have tried to understand what,
17733 exactly, make people laugh. That's why they were called "wise men."
17734 All the other prehistoric people were out puncturing each other with
17735 spears, and the wise men were back in the cave saying: "How about:
17736 Would you please take my wife? No. How about: Here is my wife, please
17737 take her right now. No. How about: Would you like to take something?
17738 My wife is available. No. How about ..."
17739 -- Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny"
17741 Ever wonder if taxation without representation might have been cheaper?
17743 Ever wonder why fire engines are red?
17745 Because newspapers are read too.
17746 Two and Two is four.
17747 Four and four is eight.
17748 Eight and four is twelve.
17749 There are twelve inches in a ruler.
17750 Queen Mary was a ruler.
17751 Queen Mary was a ship.
17752 Ships sail the sea.
17753 There are fishes in the sea.
17755 The Fins fought the Russians.
17757 Fire engines are always rush'n.
17758 Therefore fire engines are red.
17760 Ever wondered about the origins of the term "bugs" as applied to computer
17761 technology? U.S. Navy Capt. Grace Murray Hopper has firsthand explanation.
17762 The 74-year-old captain, who is still on active duty, was a pioneer in
17763 computer technology during World War II. At the C. W. Post Center of Long
17764 Island University, Hopper told a group of Long Island public school adminis-
17765 trators that the first computer "bug" was a real bug--a moth. At Harvard
17766 one August night in 1945, Hopper and her associates were working on the
17767 "granddaddy" of modern computers, the Mark I. "Things were going badly;
17768 there was something wrong in one of the circuits of the long glass-enclosed
17769 computer," she said. "Finally, someone located the trouble spot and, using
17770 ordinary tweezers, removed the problem, a two-inch moth. From then on, when
17771 anything went wrong with a computer, we said it had bugs in it." Hopper
17772 said that when the veracity of her story was questioned recently, "I referred
17773 them to my 1945 log book, now in the collection of the Naval Surface Weapons
17774 Center, and they found the remains of that moth taped to the page in
17776 [actually, the term "bug" had even earlier usage in
17777 regard to problems with radio hardware. Ed.]
17779 Every 4 seconds a woman has a baby.
17780 Our problem is to find this woman and stop her.
17782 Every absurdity has a champion who will defend it.
17784 Every cloud engenders not a storm.
17785 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
17787 Every cloud has a silver lining;
17788 you should have sold it, and bought titanium.
17790 Every country has the government it deserves.
17791 -- Joseph De Maistre
17793 Every creature has within him the wild, uncontrollable urge to punt.
17795 Every day it's the same thing -- variety. I want something different.
17797 Every day people are straying away from the church and going back to God.
17800 Every dog has its day, but the nights belong to the pussycats.
17802 Every four seconds a woman has a baby. Our problem is to find this
17803 woman and stop her.
17805 "Every group has a couple of experts. And every group has at least one
17806 idiot. Thus are balance and harmony (and discord) maintained. It's
17807 sometimes hard to remember this in the bulk of the flamewars that all
17808 of the hassle and pain is generally caused by one or two
17809 highly-motivated, caustic twits."
17810 -- Chuq Von Rospach, about Usenet
17812 Every gun that is made, every warship launched, every rocket fired
17813 signifies in the final sense, a theft from those who hunger and are not
17814 fed, those who are cold and are not clothed. This world in arms is not
17815 spending money alone. It is spending the sweat of its laborers, the
17816 genius of its scientists, the hopes of its children. This is not a way
17817 of life at all in any true sense. Under the clouds of war, it is
17818 humanity hanging on a cross of iron.
17819 -- Dwight D. Eisenhower, April 16, 1953
17821 Every Horse has an Infinite Number of Legs (proof by intimidation):
17823 Horses have an even number of legs. Behind they have two legs, and in
17824 front they have fore-legs. This makes six legs, which is certainly an
17825 odd number of legs for a horse. But the only number that is both even
17826 and odd is infinity. Therefore, horses have an infinite number of
17827 legs. Now to show this for the general case, suppose that somewhere,
17828 there is a horse that has a finite number of legs. But that is a horse
17829 of another color, and by the [above] lemma ["All horses are the same
17830 color"], that does not exist.
17832 Every improvement in communication makes the bore more terrible.
17833 -- Frank Moore Colby
17835 Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.
17837 Every little picofarad has a nanohenry all its own.
17840 Every love's the love before
17842 -- Dorothy Parker, "Summary"
17844 "Every man has his price. Mine is $3.95."
17846 Every man is apt to form his notions of things difficult to be apprehended,
17847 or less familiar, from their analogy to things which are more familiar.
17848 Thus, if a man bred to the seafaring life, and accustomed to think and talk
17849 only of matters relating to navigation, enters into discourse upon any other
17850 subject; it is well known, that the language and the notions proper to his
17851 own profession are infused into every subject, and all things are measured
17852 by the rules of navigation: and if he should take it into his head to
17853 philosophize concerning the faculties of the mind, it cannot be doubted,
17854 but he would draw his notions from the fabric of the ship, and would find
17855 in the mind, sails, masts, rudder, and compass.
17856 -- Thomas Reid, "An Inquiry into the Human Mind", 1764
17858 Every man is as God made him, ay, and often worse.
17859 -- Miguel de Cervantes
17861 Every man takes the limits of his own field
17862 of vision for the limits of the world.
17865 Every man thinks God is on his side. The rich
17866 and powerful know that he is.
17867 -- Jean Anouilh, "The Lark"
17869 Every man who has reached even his intellectual teens begins to suspect
17870 that life is no farce; that it is not genteel comedy even; that it flowers
17871 and fructifies on the contrary out of the profoundest tragic depths of the
17872 essential death in which its subject's roots are plunged. The natural
17873 inheritance of everyone who is capable of spiritual life is an unsubdued
17874 forest where the wolf howls and the obscene bird of night chatters.
17875 -- Henry James Sr., writing to his sons Henry and William
17877 Every man who is high up likes to think that he has done
17878 it all himself, and the wife smiles and lets it go at that.
17881 "Every morning, I get up and look through the 'Forbes' list of the
17882 richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work."
17885 Every morning in Africa, a gazelle wakes up. It knows it must run faster
17886 than the fastest lion or it will be killed. Every morning a lion wakes up.
17887 It knows it must outrun the slowest gazelle or it will starve to death.
17888 It doesn't matter whether you are a lion or a gazelle: when the sun comes
17889 up, you'd better be running.
17891 Every morning is a Smirnoff morning.
17893 Every night my prayers I say,
17894 And get my dinner every day;
17895 And every day that I've been good,
17896 I get an orange after food.
17897 The child that is not clean and neat,
17898 With lots of toys and things to eat,
17899 He is a naughty child, I'm sure--
17900 Or else his dear papa is poor.
17901 -- Robert Louis Stevenson
17903 Every nonzero finite dimensional inner product space has an
17906 It makes sense, when you don't think about it.
17908 Every one says that politicians lie all the time, and that just isn't so!
17909 But you do have to understand body language to know when they're lying and
17912 When a politician rubs his nose, he isn't lying.
17913 When a politician tugs on his ear, he isn't lying.
17914 When a politician scratches his collar bone, he isn't lying.
17915 When his mouth starts moving, that's when he's lying!
17917 Every paper published in a respectable journal should have a preface by
17918 the author stating why he is publishing the article, and what value he
17919 sees in it. I have no hope that this practice will ever be adopted.
17922 Every path has its puddle.
17924 Every person, all the events in your life are there because you have
17925 drawn them there. What you choose to do with them is up to you.
17926 -- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul
17928 Every program has at least one bug and can be shortened by at least one
17929 instruction -- from which, by induction, one can deduce that every
17930 program can be reduced to one instruction which doesn't work.
17932 Every program has (at least) two purposes:
17933 the one for which it was written and another for which it wasn't.
17935 Every program has two purposes -- one for which it was written and
17936 another for which it wasn't.
17938 Every program is a part of some other program, and rarely fits.
17940 Every silver lining has a cloud around it.
17942 Every Solidarity center had piles and piles of paper ... everyone was
17943 eating paper and a policeman was at the door. Now all you have to do is
17945 -- A member of the outlawed Polish trade union, Solidarity,
17946 commenting on the benefits of using computers in support
17949 Every solution breeds new problems.
17951 Every successful person has had failures but repeated failure is no
17952 guarantee of eventual success.
17954 Every suicide is a solution to a problem.
17957 Every time I look at you I am more convinced of Darwin's theory.
17959 Every time I lose weight, it finds me again!
17961 Every time I think I know where it's at, they move it.
17963 Every time you manage to close the door on
17964 Reality, it comes in through the window.
17966 Every why hath a wherefore.
17967 -- William Shakespeare, "A Comedy of Errors"
17969 Every word is like an unnecessary stain on silence and nothingness.
17972 Every young man should have a hobby: learning how to handle money is
17976 Everybody but Sam had signed up for a new company pension plan that
17977 called for a small employee contribution. The company was paying all
17978 the rest. Unfortunately, 100% employee participation was needed;
17979 otherwise the plan was off. Sam's boss and his fellow workers pleaded
17980 and cajoled, but to no avail. Sam said the plan would never pay off.
17981 Finally the company president called Sam into his office.
17982 "Sam," he said, "here's a copy of the new pension plan and here's
17983 a pen. I want you to sign the papers. I'm sorry, but if you don't sign,
17984 you're fired. As of right now."
17985 Sam signed the papers immediately.
17986 "Now," said the president, "would you mind telling me why you
17987 couldn't have signed earlier?"
17988 "Well, sir," replied Sam, "nobody explained it to me quite so
17991 Everybody has something to conceal.
17994 Everybody is given the same amount of hormones, at birth, and
17995 if you want to use yours for growing hair, that's fine with me.
17997 Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
17998 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
18000 Everybody knows that the dice are loaded. Everybody rolls with their
18001 fingers crossed. Everybody knows the war is over. Everybody knows the
18002 good guys lost. Everybody knows the fight was fixed: the poor stay
18003 poor, the rich get rich. That's how it goes. Everybody knows.
18005 Everybody knows that the boat is leaking. Everybody knows the captain
18006 lied. Everybody got this broken feeling like their father or their dog
18009 Everybody talking to their pockets. Everybody wants a box of chocolates
18010 and long stem rose. Everybody knows.
18012 Everybody knows that you love me, baby. Everybody knows that you really
18013 do. Everybody knows that you've been faithful, give or take a night or
18014 two. Everybody knows you've been discreet, but there were so many people
18015 you just had to meet without your clothes. And everybody knows.
18017 And everybody knows it's now or never. Everybody knows that it's me or you.
18018 And everybody knows that you live forever when you've done a line or two.
18019 Everybody knows the deal is rotten: Old Black Joe's still pickin' cotton
18020 for you ribbons and bows. And everybody knows.
18021 -- Leonard Cohen, "Everybody Knows"
18023 Everybody likes a kidder, but nobody lends him money.
18026 Everybody needs a little love sometime;
18027 stop hacking and fall in love!
18029 Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
18031 Everyone can be taught to sculpt: Michelangelo would have had to be
18032 taught how ___
\b\b\bnot to. So it is with the great programmers.
18034 Everyone can be taught to sculpt: Michelangelo would have had
18035 to be taught how not to. So it is with the great programmers.
18037 Everyone complains of his memory, no one of his judgement.
18039 Everyone hates me because I'm paranoid.
18041 Everyone is a genius. It's just that some people are too stupid to
18044 Everyone is entitled to my opinion.
18046 Everyone is in the best seat.
18049 Everyone is more or less mad on one point.
18052 Everyone knows that dragons don't exist. But while this simplistic
18053 formulation may satisfy the layman, it does not suffice for the
18054 scientific mind. The School of Higher Neantical Nillity is in fact
18055 wholly unconcerned with what ____
\b\b\b\bdoes exist. Indeed, the banality of
18056 existence has been so amply demonstrated, there is no need for us to
18057 discuss it any further here. The brilliant Cerebron, attacking the
18058 problem analytically, discovered three distinct kinds of dragon: the
18059 mythical, the chimerical, and the purely hypothetical. They were all,
18060 one might say, nonexistent, but each nonexisted in an entirely
18062 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
18064 Everyone talks about apathy, but no one ____
\b\b\b\bdoes anything about it.
18066 Everyone wants results, but no one is willing to do what it takes
18070 Everyone was born right-handed.
18071 Only the greatest overcome it.
18073 Everyone who comes in here wants three things:
18074 1. They want it quick.
18075 2. They want it good.
18076 3. They want it cheap.
18077 I tell 'em to pick two and call me back.
18078 -- sign on the back wall of a small printing company
18080 Everyone's in a high place when you're on your knees.
18082 Everything bows to success, even grammar.
18084 Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous".
18086 Everything ends badly. Otherwise it wouldn't end.
18088 Everything I like is either illegal, immoral or fattening.
18089 -- Alexander Woollcott
18091 Everything in this book may be wrong.
18092 -- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul
18094 Everything is controlled by a small evil group to which, unfortunately,
18095 no one we know belongs.
18097 Everything is possible. Pass the word.
18098 -- Rita Mae Brown, "Six of One"
18100 Everything is worth precisely as much as a belch, the difference being
18101 that a belch is more satisfying.
18104 Everything journalists write is true, except when they write about
18105 something you know.
18106 -- Dag-Erling Smorgrav,
18107 June 1999, FreeBSD-Stable Mailing List
18109 Everything might be different in the present
18110 if only one thing had been different in the past.
18112 Everything new stalls because there is precedence for the old.
18113 -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967)
18115 Everything should be built top-down, except the first time.
18117 Everything should be built top-down, except this time.
18119 Everything should be made as simple as possible, but not simpler.
18122 Everything takes longer, costs more, and is less useful.
18125 Everything that can be invented has been invented.
18126 -- Charles Duell, Director of U.S. Patent Office, 1899
18128 Everything that you know is wrong, but you can be straightened out.
18130 Everything will be just tickety-boo today.
18132 Everything you know is wrong!
18134 Everything you read in newspapers is absolutely true, except for that
18135 rare story of which you happen to have first-hand knowledge.
18138 Everything you've learned in school as "obvious" becomes less and less
18139 obvious as you begin to study the universe. For example, there are no
18140 solids in the universe. There's not even a suggestion of a solid.
18141 There are no absolute continuums. There are no surfaces. There are no
18143 -- R. Buckminster Fuller
18145 Everything's great in this good old world;
18146 (This is the stuff they can always use.)
18147 God's in his heaven, the hill's dew-pearled;
18148 (This will provide for baby's shoes.)
18149 Hunger and War do not mean a thing;
18150 Everything's rosy where'er we roam;
18151 Hark, how the little birds gaily sing!
18152 (This is what fetches the bacon home.)
18153 -- Dorothy Parker, "The Far Sighted Muse"
18155 Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My
18156 opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them. There's many a bestseller
18157 that could have been prevented by a good teacher.
18158 -- Flannery O'Connor
18160 Everywhere you go you'll see them searching,
18161 Everywhere you turn you'll feel the pain,
18162 Everyone is looking for the answer,
18164 -- Moody Blues, "Lost in a Lost World"
18166 Evil is that which one believes of others. It is a sin to believe evil
18167 of others, but it is seldom a mistake.
18170 Evolution is a million line computer
18171 program falling into place by accident.
18173 Evolution is as much a fact as the earth turning on its axis and going around
18174 the sun. At one time this was called the Copernican theory; but, when
18175 evidence for a theory becomes so overwhelming that no informed person can
18176 doubt it, it is customary for scientists to call it a fact. That all present
18177 life descended from earlier forms, over vast stretches of geologic time, is
18178 as firmly established as Copernican cosmology. Biologists differ only with
18179 respect to theories about how the process operates.
18180 -- Martin Gardner, "Irving Kristol and the Facts of Life"
18182 Examinations are formidable even to the best prepared, for even
18183 the greatest fool may ask more than the wisest man can answer.
18186 Example is not the main thing in influencing others.
18187 It is the only thing.
18188 -- Albert Schweitzer
18190 Excellent day for drinking heavily. Spike the office water cooler.
18192 Excellent day for putting Slinkies on an escalator.
18194 Excellent day to have a rotten day.
18196 Excellent time to become a missing person.
18198 Exceptions prove the rule, and wreck the budget.
18201 Excerpt from a conversation between a customer support person and a
18202 customer working for a well-known military-affiliated research lab:
18204 Support: "You're not our only customer, you know."
18205 Customer: "But we're one of the few with tactical nuclear weapons."
18207 Excess on occasion is exhilarating. It prevents moderation from
18208 acquiring the deadening effect of a habit.
18209 -- W. Somerset Maugham
18211 Excessive login messages are a sure sign of senility.
18213 Excessive login or logout messages are a sure sign of senility.
18215 Execute every act of thy life as though it were thy last.
18218 Executive ability is deciding quickly and getting somebody else to do
18222 Executive ability is prominent in your make-up.
18224 Exercise caution in your daily affairs.
18226 Exhilaration is that feeling you get just after a great idea hits you,
18227 and just before you realize what is wrong with it.
18229 Expansion means complexity; and complexity decay.
18231 Expect a letter from a friend who will ask a favor of you.
18233 Expect the worst, it's the least you can do.
18235 Expedience is the best teacher.
18237 Expense Accounts, n.:
18238 Corporate food stamps.
18240 Experience is a good teacher, but she sends in terrific bills.
18241 -- Minna Antrim, "Naked Truth and Veiled Allusions"
18243 Experience is not what happens to you;
18244 it is what you do with what happens to you.
18247 Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
18250 Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a mistake
18251 when you make it again.
18252 -- Franklin P. Jones
18254 Experience is the worst teacher. It always gives the test first and
18255 the instruction afterward.
18257 Experience is what causes a person to make new mistakes instead of old
18260 Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted.
18262 Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.
18265 Something you don't get until just after you need it.
18268 Experience teaches you that the man who looks you straight in the eye,
18269 particularly if he adds a firm handshake, is hiding something.
18270 -- Clifton Fadiman, "Enter Conversing"
18272 Experience varies directly with equipment ruined.
18274 Experiments must be reproducible; they should all fail in the same way.
18277 Someone who comes from out of town and shows slides.
18281 Extract from Official Sweepstakes Rules:
18283 NO PURCHASE REQUIRED TO CLAIM YOUR PRIZE
18285 To claim your prize without purchase, do the following: (a) Carefully
18286 cut out your computer-printed name and address from upper right hand
18287 corner of the Prize Claim Form. (b) Affix computer-printed name and
18288 address -- with glue or cellophane tape (no staples or paper clips) --
18289 to a 3x5 inch index card. (c) Also cut out the "No" paragraph (lower
18290 left hand corner of Prize Claim Form) and affix it to the 3x5 card
18291 below your address label. (d) Then print on your 3x5 card, above your
18292 computer-printed name and address the words "CARTER & VAN PEEL
18293 SWEEPSTAKES" (Use all capital letters.) (e) Finally place 3x5 card
18294 (without bending) into a plain envelope [NOTE: do NOT use the
18295 Official Prize Claim and CVP Perfume Reply Envelope or you may be
18296 disqualified], and mail to: CVP, Box 1320, Westbury, NY 11595. Print
18297 this address correctly. Comply with above instructions carefully and
18298 completely or you may be disqualified from receiving your prize.
18300 Extraordinary claims demand extraordinary proof. There are many examples
18301 of outsiders who eventually overthrew entrenched scientific orthodoxies,
18302 but they prevailed with irrefutable data. More often, egregious findings
18303 that contradict well-established research turn out to be artifacts. I have
18304 argued that accepting psychic powers, reincarnation, "cosmic consciousness,"
18305 and the like, would entail fundamental revisions of the foundations of
18306 neuroscience. Before abandoning materialist theories of mind that have paid
18307 handsome dividends, we should insist on better evidence for psi phenomena
18308 than presently exists, especially when neurology and psychology themselves
18309 offer more plausible alternatives.
18310 -- Barry L. Beyerstein, "The Brain and Consciousness:
18311 Implications for Psi Phenomena".
18313 Extreme fear can neither fight nor fly.
18314 -- William Shakespeare, "The Rape of Lucrece"
18316 Extremism in the defense of liberty is no vice... moderation in the pursuit
18317 of justice is no virtue.
18320 F: When into a room I plunge, I
18321 Sometimes find some VIOLET FUNGI.
18322 Then I linger, darkly brooding
18323 On the poison they're exuding.
18324 -- The Roguelet's ABC
18326 F. S. Fitzgerald to Hemingway:
18327 "Ernest, the rich are different from us."
18329 "Yes. They have more money."
18331 f u cn rd ths, itn tyg h myxbl cd.
18333 f u cn rd ths, u cn gt a gd jb n cmptr prgrmmng.
18335 F u cn rd ths u cnt spl wrth a dm!
18337 f u cn rd ths, u r prbbly a lsy spllr.
18339 FACILITY REJECTED 100044200000;
18341 Factorials were someone's attempt to make math LOOK exciting.
18343 Facts, apart from their relationships, are like labels on empty bottles.
18346 Facts are stubborn, but statistics are more pliable.
18348 Facts are the enemy of truth.
18351 Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored.
18354 Failed Attempts To Break Records
18355 In September 1978 Mr. Terry Gripton, of Stafford, failed to break
18356 the world shouting record by two and a half decibels. "I am not surprised
18357 he failed," his wife said afterwards. "He's really a very quiet man and
18358 doesn't even shout at me."
18359 In August of the same year Mr. Paul Anthony failed to break the
18360 record for continuous organ playing by 387 hours.
18361 His attempt at the Golden Fish Fry Restaurant in Manchester ended
18362 after 36 hours 10 minutes, when he was accused of disturbing the peace.
18363 "People complained I was too noisy," he said.
18364 In January 1976 Mr. Barry McQueen failed to walk backwards across
18365 the Menai Bridge playing the bagpipes. "It was raining heavily and my
18366 drone got waterlogged," he said.
18367 A TV cameraman thwarted Mr. Bob Specas' attempt to topple 100,000
18368 dominoes at the Manhattan Center, New York on 9 June 1978. 97,500 dominoes
18369 had been set up when he dropped his press badge and set them off.
18370 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
18372 Failure is more frequently from want of energy than want of capital.
18374 Fain would I climb, yet fear I to fall.
18375 -- Sir Walter Raleigh
18378 A horror story to prepare children for the newspapers.
18380 Faith goes out through the window when beauty comes in at the door.
18382 Faith has never moved as much as a pin-head from the place it
18383 ought to be according to tradition and the scriptures. It is
18384 the doubt that moved all the mountains.
18385 -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967)
18387 Faith is the quality that enables you to eat blackberry jam on a picnic
18388 without looking to see whether the seeds move.
18390 Faith is under the left nipple.
18394 That quality which enables us to believe what we know to be
18398 A psychologist whose charismatic data have inspired almost
18399 religious devotion in his followers, even though the sources seem to
18400 have shinnied up a rope and vanished.
18403 When two people have been on enough dates, they generally fall in
18404 love. You can tell you're in love by the way you feel: your head becomes
18405 light, your heart leaps within you, you feel like you're walking on air,
18406 and the whole world seems like a wonderful and happy place. Unfortunately,
18407 these are also the four warning signs of colon disease, so it's always a
18408 good idea to check with your doctor.
18411 Falling in love is a lot like dying.
18412 You never get to do it enough to become good at it.
18414 Falling in love makes smoking pot all day look like the ultimate in
18416 -- Dave Sim, author of "Cerebus"
18418 Fame is a vapor; popularity an accident;
18419 the only earthly certainty is oblivion.
18422 Fame lost its appeal for me when I went into a public restroom and an
18423 autograph seeker handed me a pen and paper under the stall door.
18426 Fame may be fleeting but obscurity is forever.
18428 Familiarity breeds attempt.
18430 Familiarity breeds contempt -- and children.
18433 Families, when a child is born
18434 Want it to be intelligent.
18435 I, through intelligence,
18436 Having wrecked my whole life,
18437 Only hope the baby will prove
18438 Ignorant and stupid.
18439 Then he will crown a tranquil life
18440 By becoming a Cabinet Minister
18444 Conspicuously miserable.
18450 (1) Don't unplug it, it will just take a moment to fix.
18451 (2) Let's take the shortcut, he can't see us from there.
18452 (3) What happens if you touch these two wires tog--
18453 (4) We won't need reservations.
18454 (5) It's always sunny there this time of the year.
18455 (6) Don't worry, it's not loaded.
18456 (7) They'd never (be stupid enough to) make him a manager.
18457 (8) Don't worry! Women love it!
18460 (1) "Don't worry, I can handle it."
18461 (2) "You and what army?"
18462 (3) "If you were as smart as you think you are, you wouldn't be
18465 Fanaticism consists of redoubling your effort when you have
18466 forgotten your aim.
18467 -- George Santayana
18469 "Fantasies are free."
18470 "NO!! NO!! It's the thought police!!!!"
18472 Far back in the mists of ancient time, in the great and glorious days of the
18473 former Galactic Empire, life was wild, rich and largely tax free.
18475 Mighty starships plied their way between exotic suns, seeking adventure and
18476 reward among the furthest reaches of Galactic space. In those days, spirits
18477 were brave, the stakes were high, men were real men, women were real women
18478 and small furry creatures from Alpha Centauri were real small furry creatures
18479 from Alpha Centauri. And all dared to brave unknown terrors, to do mighty
18480 deeds, to boldly split infinitives that no man had split before -- and thus
18481 was the Empire forged.
18482 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
18484 Far duller than a serpent's tooth it is to spend a quiet youth.
18486 Far out in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the
18487 Western Spiral arm of the Galaxy lies a small unregarded yellow sun.
18488 Orbiting this at a distance of roughly ninety-eight million miles is an
18489 utterly insignificant little blue-green planet whose ape-descended life
18490 forms are so amazingly primitive that they still think digital watches
18491 are a pretty neat idea ...
18492 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
18494 Farmers in the Iowa State survey rated machinery breakdowns more
18495 stressful than divorce.
18496 -- Wall Street Journal
18498 Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it
18502 Fashions have done more harm than revolutions.
18505 Fast, cheap, good: pick two.
18507 Fast ship? You mean you've never heard of the Millennium Falcon?
18510 Faster, faster, you fool, you fool!
18513 Fat Liberation: because a waist is a terrible thing to mind.
18515 Fat people of the world unite, we've got nothing to lose!
18517 Father: Son, it's time we talked about sex.
18518 Son: Sure, Dad, what do you want to know?
18522 Fay: The British police force used to be run by men of integrity.
18523 Truscott: That is a mistake which has been rectified.
18524 -- Joe Orton, "Loot"
18527 What you feel when you see a U-Haul with Texas license plates.
18529 Fear and loathing, my man, fear and loathing.
18530 -- Hunter S. Thompson
18532 Fear is the greatest salesman.
18536 A surprising property of a program. Occasionally documented. To
18537 call a property a feature sometimes means the author did not
18538 consider that case, and the program makes an unexpected, though
18539 not necessarily wrong response. See BUG. "That's not a bug, it's
18540 a feature!" A bug can be changed to a feature by documenting it.
18542 Federal grants are offered for... research into the recreation
18543 potential of interplanetary space travel for the culturally
18546 Feel disillusioned? I've got some great new illusions ...
18548 Feel disillusioned?
18549 I've got some great new illusions, right here!
18551 Feeling amorous, she looked under the sheets and cried, "Oh, no,
18554 Felix Catus is your taxonomic nomenclature,
18555 An endothermic quadruped, carnivorous by nature.
18556 Your visual, olfactory, and auditory senses
18557 Contribute to your hunting skills and natural defenses.
18558 I find myself intrigued by your sub-vocal oscillations,
18559 A singular development of cat communications
18560 That obviates your basic hedonistic predilection
18561 For a rhythmic stroking of your fur to demonstrate affection.
18562 A tail is quite essential for your acrobatic talents:
18563 You would not be so agile if you lacked its counterbalance;
18564 And when not being utilized to aid in locomotion,
18565 It often serves to illustrate the state of your emotion.
18566 Oh Spot, the complex levels of behavior you display
18567 Connote a fairly well-developed cognitive array.
18568 And though you are not sentient, Spot, and do not comprehend,
18569 I nonetheless consider you a true and valued friend.
18570 -- Lt. Cmdr. Data, "An Ode to Spot"
18572 Fellow programmer, greetings! You are reading a letter which will bring
18573 you luck and good fortune. Just mail (or UUCP) ten copies of this letter
18574 to ten of your friends. Before you make the copies, send a chip or
18575 other bit of hardware, and 100 lines of "C" code to the first person on the
18576 list given at the bottom of this letter. Then delete their name and add
18577 yours to the bottom of the list.
18579 Don't break the chain! Make the copy within 48 hours. Gerald R. of San
18580 Diego failed to send out his ten copies and woke the next morning to find
18581 his job description changed to "COBOL programmer." Fred A. of New York sent
18582 out his ten copies and within a month had enough hardware and software to
18583 build a Cray dedicated to playing Zork. Martha H. of Chicago laughed at
18584 this letter and broke the chain. Shortly thereafter, a fire broke out in
18585 her terminal and she now spends her days writing documentation for IBM PC's.
18587 Don't break the chain! Send out your ten copies today!
18590 The gift that just "keeps on giving."
18593 The large glacial deposits that form on the insides
18594 of car fenders during snowstorms.
18595 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
18597 Ferguson's Precept:
18598 A crisis is when you can't say "let's forget the whole thing."
18600 Fertility is hereditary. If your parents didn't have any children,
18603 Fess: Well, you must admit there is something innately humorous about
18604 a man chasing an invention of his own halfway across the galaxy.
18605 Rod: Oh yeah, it's a million yuks, sure. But after all, isn't that the
18606 basic difference between robots and humans?
18607 Fess: What, the ability to form imaginary constructs?
18608 Rod: No, the ability to get hung up on them.
18609 -- Christopher Stasheff, "The Warlock in Spite of Himself"
18611 Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.
18615 A virtue peculiar to those who are about to be betrayed.
18617 Fifteen men on a dead man's chest,
18618 Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of rum!
18619 Drink and the devil had done for the rest,
18620 Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of rum!
18621 -- Stevenson, "Treasure Island"
18623 Fifth Law of Applied Terror:
18624 If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.
18627 If you are given a take-home exam, you will forget where you
18630 Fifth Law of Procrastination:
18631 Procrastination avoids boredom; one never has the feeling that
18632 there is nothing important to do.
18634 Fifty flippant frogs
18635 Walked by on flippered feet
18636 And with their slime they made the time
18639 Fights between cats and dogs are prohibited by statute in Barber, North
18643 A four drawer, manually activated trash compactor.
18646 Throwing your wait around.
18648 Fill what's empty, empty what's full, scratch where it itches.
18649 -- Alice Roosevelt Longworth
18652 Science is true. Don't be misled by facts.
18654 Finagle's Eighth Law:
18655 If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
18657 Finagle's Ninth Law:
18658 No matter what results are expected,
18659 someone is always willing to fake it.
18661 Finagle's Tenth Law:
18662 No matter what the result someone
18663 is always eager to misinterpret it.
18665 Finagle's Eleventh Law:
18666 No matter what occurs, someone believes
18667 it happened according to his pet theory.
18669 Finagle's First Law:
18670 If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
18672 Finagle's First Law:
18673 To study a subject best, understand it thoroughly before you start.
18675 Finagle's Second Law:
18676 Always keep a record of data -- it indicates you've been working.
18678 Finagle's Fourth Law:
18679 Once a job is fouled up,
18680 anything done to improve it only makes it worse.
18682 Finagle's Fifth Law:
18683 Always draw your curves, then plot your readings.
18685 Finagle's Sixth Law:
18686 Don't believe in miracles -- rely on them.
18688 Finagle's Fourth Law:
18689 Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it only makes
18692 Finagle's Second Law:
18693 No matter what the anticipated result, there will always be
18694 someone eager to (a) misinterpret it, (b) fake it, or (c) believe it
18695 happened according to his own pet theory.
18697 Finagle's Seventh Law:
18698 The perversity of the universe tends toward a maximum.
18700 Finagle's Third Law:
18701 In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct,
18702 beyond all need of checking, is the mistake.
18705 (1) Nobody whom you ask for help will see it.
18706 (2) The first person who stops by, whose advice you really
18707 don't want to hear, will see it immediately.
18710 Perfection is finality.
18711 Nothing is perfect.
18712 There are lumps in it.
18714 Finding out what goes on in the C.I.A. is like performing acupuncture
18716 -- New York Times, Jan. 20, 1981
18718 Fine day for friends.
18721 Fine day to throw a party. Throw him as far as you can.
18723 Fine day to work off excess energy. Steal something heavy.
18726 Functionality breeds Contempt.
18728 Finish the sentence below in 25 words or less:
18730 "Love is what you feel just before you give someone a good ..."
18732 Mail your answer along with the top half of your supervisor to:
18735 Baffled Greek, Michigan
18738 A closed mouth gathers no feet.
18740 First, a few words about tools.
18742 Basically, a tool is an object that enables you to take advantage of
18743 the laws of physics and mechanics in such a way that you can seriously
18744 injure yourself. Today, people tend to take tools for granted. If
18745 you're ever walking down the street and you notice some people who look
18746 particularly smug, the odds are that they are taking tools for
18747 granted. If I were you, I'd walk right up and smack them in the face.
18748 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
18750 First Corollary of Taber's Second Law:
18751 Machines that piss people off get murdered.
18754 First Law of Bicycling:
18755 No matter which way you ride, it's uphill and against the
18758 First law of debate:
18759 Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference.
18761 First Law of Procrastination:
18762 Procrastination shortens the job and places the responsibility
18763 for its termination on someone else (i.e., the authority who imposed
18766 First Law of Socio-Genetics:
18767 Celibacy is not hereditary.
18769 First love is only a little foolishness and a lot of curiosity, no really
18770 self-respecting woman would take advantage of it.
18771 -- George Bernard Shaw, "John Bull's Other Island"
18773 First Rule of History:
18774 History doesn't repeat itself -- historians merely repeat each
18777 First rule of public speaking.
18778 First, tell 'em what you're goin' to tell 'em;
18780 then tell 'em what you've tole 'em.
18782 First there was Dial-A-Prayer, then Dial-A-Recipe, and even Dial-A-Footballer.
18783 But the south-east Victorian town of Sale has produced one to top them all.
18785 It all began early yesterday when Sale police received a telephone
18786 call: "You won't believe this, and I'm not drunk, but there's a wombat in the
18787 phone booth outside the town hall," the caller said.
18788 Not firmly convinced about the caller's claim to sobriety, members of
18789 the constabulary drove to the scene, expecting to pick up a drunk.
18790 But there it was, an annoyed wombat, trapped in a telephone booth.
18791 The wombat, determined not to be had the better of again, threw its
18792 bulk into the fray. It was eventually lassoed and released in a nearby scrub.
18793 Then the officers received another message ... another wombat in
18794 another phone booth.
18795 There it was: *Another* angry wombat trapped in a telephone booth.
18796 The constables took the miffed marsupial into temporary custody and
18797 released it, too, in the scrub.
18798 But on their way back to the station they happened to pass another
18799 telephone booth, and -- you guessed it -- another imprisoned wombat.
18800 After some serious detective work, the lads in blue found a suspect,
18801 and after questioning, released him to be charged on summons.
18802 Their problem ... they cannot find a law against placing wombats in
18804 -- "Newcastle Morning Herald", NSW Australia, Aug 1980
18806 First things first -- but not necessarily in that order.
18807 -- The Doctor, "Doctor Who"
18809 "First World" nations are the ones where people drive Japanese cars;
18810 "Second World" nations are where First World residents go on vacation;
18811 and "Third World" nations are the ones where people still dive out of
18812 trees to prove their manhood.
18816 A glass-enclosed isolation cell where newly
18817 promoted managers are kept for observation.
18819 Fishing, with me, has always been an excuse to drink in the daytime.
18822 Five bicycles make a volkswagen, seven make a truck.
18825 Five is a sufficiently close approximation to infinity.
18828 Five names that I can hardly stand to hear,
18829 Including yours and mine and one more chimp who isn't here,
18830 I can see the ladies talking how the times is gettin' hard,
18831 And that fearsome excavation on Magnolia boulevard,
18832 Yes, I'm goin' insane,
18833 And I'm laughing at the frozen rain,
18834 Well, I'm so alone, honey when they gonna send me home?
18835 Bad sneakers and a pina colada my friend,
18836 Stopping on the avenue by Radio City, with a
18837 Transistor and a large sum of money to spend...
18838 You fellah, you tearin' up the street,
18839 You wear that white tuxedo, how you gonna beat the heat,
18840 Do you take me for a fool, do you think that I don't see,
18841 That ditch out in the Valley that they're diggin' just for me,
18842 Yes, and goin' insane,
18843 You know I'm laughin' at the frozen rain,
18844 Feel like I'm so alone, honey when they gonna send me home?
18846 -- Bad Sneakers, "Steely Dan"
18848 Five people -- an Englishman, Russian, American, Frenchman and Irishman
18849 were each asked to write a book on elephants. Some amount of time later they
18850 had all completed their respective books. The Englishman's book was entitled
18851 "The Elephant -- How to Collect Them", the Russian's "The Elephant -- Vol. I",
18852 the American's "The Elephant -- How to Make Money from Them", the Frenchman's
18853 "The Elephant -- Its Mating Habits" and the Irishman's "The Elephant and
18854 Irish Political History".
18856 Five rules for eternal misery:
18857 1) Always try to exhort others to look upon you favorably.
18858 2) Make lots of assumptions about situations and be sure to
18859 treat these assumptions as though they are reality.
18860 3) Then treat each new situation as though it's a crisis.
18861 4) Live in the past and future only (become obsessed with
18862 how much better things might have been or how much worse
18863 things might become).
18864 5) Occasionally stomp on yourself for being so stupid as to
18865 follow the first four rules.
18871 The plastic yoke that holds a six-pack of beer together.
18872 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
18874 Flappity, floppity, flip
18875 The mouse on the m"
\bobius strip;
18876 The strip revolved,
18877 The mouse dissolved
18878 In a chronodimensional skip.
18880 FLASH! Intelligence of mankind decreasing. Details at ... uh, when
18881 the little hand is on the ...
18883 Flattery is like cologne -- to be smelled, but not swallowed.
18886 Flattery will get you everywhere.
18888 Flee at once, all is discovered.
18890 Flirting is the gentle art of making a man feel pleased with himself.
18894 There is not now, and never will be, a language in which it is
18895 the least bit difficult to write bad programs.
18897 Florence Flask was ... dressing for the opera when she turned to her
18898 husband and screamed, "Erlenmeyer! My joules! Someone has stolen my
18901 "Now, now, my dear," replied her husband, "keep your balance and reflux
18902 a moment. Perhaps they're mislead."
18904 "No, I know they're stolen," cried Florence. "I remember putting them
18905 in my burette ... We must call a copper."
18907 Erlenmeyer did so, and the flatfoot who turned up, one Sherlock Ohms,
18908 said the outrage looked like the work of an arch-criminal by the name
18911 "We must be careful -- he's a free radical, ultraviolet, and
18912 dangerous. His girlfriend is a chlorine at the Palladium. Maybe I can
18913 catch him there." With that, he jumped on his carbon cycle in an
18914 activated state and sped off along the reaction pathway ...
18915 -- Daniel B. Murphy, "Precipitations"
18917 flowchart, n. & v.:
18918 [From flow "to ripple down in rich profusion, as hair" + chart
18919 "a cryptic hidden-treasure map designed to mislead the uninitiated."]
18920 1. n. The solution, if any, to a class of Mascheroni construction
18921 problems in which given algorithms require geometrical representation
18922 using only the 35 basic ideograms of the ANSI template. 2. n. Neronic
18923 doodling while the system burns. 3. n. A low-cost substitute for
18924 wallpaper. 4. n. The innumerate misleading the illiterate. "A
18925 thousand pictures is worth ten lines of code." -- The Programmer's
18926 Little Red Vade Mecum, Mao Tse T'umps. 5. v.intrans. To produce
18927 flowcharts with no particular object in mind. 6. v.trans. To obfuscate
18928 (a problem) with esoteric cartoons.
18929 -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
18932 When you need to knock on wood is when you realize that the
18933 world is composed of vinyl, naugahyde and aluminum.
18935 Fly me away to the bright side of the moon ...
18937 Flying is the second greatest feeling you can have. The greatest feeling?
18938 Landing... Landing is the greatest feeling you can have.
18940 Flying saucers on occasion
18941 Show themselves to human eyes.
18942 Aliens fume, put off invasion
18943 While they brand these tales as lies.
18946 Excessively (often obnoxiously) bright lamps mounted on the
18947 fronts of automobiles; used on dry, clear nights to indicate that the
18948 driver's brain is in a fog.
18950 See also "Idiot Lights".
18952 "Follow me around. I don't care. I'm serious. If anybody wants to put a
18953 tail on me, go ahead. They'd be very bored."
18954 -- Gary Hart, announcing his presidential candidacy,
18955 commenting on rumors of womanizing.
18957 Food for thought is no substitute for the real thing.
18958 -- Walt Kelly, "Putluck Pogo"
18960 Foolproof Operation:
18961 No provision for adjustment.
18963 Fools rush in -- and get the best seats in the house.
18965 Football builds self-discipline. What else would induce
18966 a spectator to sit out in the open in subfreezing weather?
18968 Football combines the two worst features of American life.
18969 It is violence punctuated by committee meetings.
18970 -- George F. Will, "Men At Work: The Craft of Baseball"
18972 Football is a game designed to keep coalminers off the streets.
18975 For 20 dollars, I'll give you a good fortune next time ...
18977 For a good time, call (510) 642-9483
18979 For a holy stint, a moth of the cloth gave up his woolens for lint.
18981 For a light heart lives long.
18982 -- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost"
18984 For a man to truly understand rejection, he must first be ignored by a
18987 For adult education nothing beats children.
18989 For ages, a deadly conflict has been waged between a few brave men and
18990 women of thought and genius upon the one side, and the great ignorant
18991 religious mass on the other. This is the war between Science and Faith.
18992 The few have appealed to reason, to honor, to law, to freedom, to the
18993 known, and to happiness here in this world. The many have appealed to
18994 prejudice, to fear, to miracle, to slavery, to the unknown, and to
18995 misery hereafter. The few have said "Think". The many have said "Believe!"
18996 -- Robert Ingersoll, "Gods"
18998 For an adequate time call 555-3321.
19000 For an idea to be fashionable is ominous, since it must afterwards be
19001 always old-fashioned.
19003 For certain people, after fifty, litigation takes the place of sex.
19006 For children with short attention spans: boomerangs that don't come back.
19008 For courage mounteth with occasion.
19009 -- William Shakespeare, "King John"
19011 For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
19014 For every bloke who makes his mark,
19015 there's half a dozen waiting to rub it out.
19018 For every complex problem, there is a solution that is simple, neat,
19022 For every credibility gap, there is a gullibility fill.
19025 For every human problem, there is a neat,
19026 plain solution -- and it is always wrong.
19029 For example, if \thinmskip = 3mu, this makes \thickmskip = 6mu. But if
19030 you also want to use \skip12 for horizontal glue, whether in math mode or
19031 not, the amount of skipping will be in points (e.g., 6pt). The rule is
19032 that glue in math mode varies with the size only when it is an \mskip;
19033 when moving between an mskipand ordinary skip, the conversion factor
19034 1mu=1pt is always used. The meaning of '\mskip\skip12' and
19035 '\baselineskip=\the\thickmskip' should be clear.
19036 -- Donald E. Knuth, TeX 82 -- Comparison with TeX80
19038 For fast-acting relief, try slowing down.
19040 For flavor, instant sex will never supersede the stuff you have to peel
19044 For fools rush in where angels fear to tread.
19053 For God's sake, stop researching for a while and begin to think!
19055 For good, return good.
19056 For evil, return justice.
19058 For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I do.
19059 -- Paul of Tarsus, (Saint Paul)
19061 For I swore I would stay a year away from her; out and alas!
19062 but with break of day I went to make supplication.
19063 -- Paulus Silentarius, c. 540 A.D.
19065 For if there is a sin against life, it consists perhaps not so much in
19066 despairing of life as in hoping for another life and in eluding the
19067 implacable grandeur of this life.
19070 For knighthood is not in the feats of war,
19071 As for to fight in quarrel right or wrong,
19072 But in a cause which truth cannot defer:
19073 He ought himself for to make sure and strong,
19074 Just to keep mixt with mercy among:
19075 And no quarrel a knight ought to take
19076 But for a truth, or for the common's sake.
19079 For large values of one, one equals two, for small values of two.
19081 For men use, if they have an evil turn, to write it in marble:
19082 and whoso doth us a good turn we write it in dust.
19085 For most men life is a search for the proper manila envelope in which to
19086 get themselves filed.
19089 For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in
19090 the same room and let them fight it out.
19093 For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I
19094 put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
19097 For my son, Robert, this is proving to be the high-point of his entire
19098 life to date. He has had his pajamas on for two, maybe three days
19099 now. He has the sense of joyful independence a 5-year-old child gets
19100 when he suddenly realizes that he could be operating an acetylene torch
19101 in the coat closet and neither parent [because of the flu] would have
19102 the strength to object. He has been foraging for his own food, which
19103 means his diet consists entirely of "food" substances which are
19104 advertised only on Saturday-morning cartoon shows; substances that are
19105 the color of jukebox lights and that, for legal reasons, have their
19106 names spelled wrong, as in New Creemy Chok-'n'-Cheez Lumps o' Froot
19107 ("part of this complete breakfast").
19108 -- Dave Barry, "Molecular Homicide"
19110 For myself, I can only say that I am astonished and somewhat terrified at
19111 the results of this evening's experiments. Astonished at the wonderful
19112 power you have developed, and terrified at the thought that so much hideous
19113 and bad music may be put on record forever.
19114 -- Sir Arthur Sullivan, message to Edison, 1888
19116 For people who like that kind of book,
19117 that is the kind of book they will like.
19119 For perfect happiness, remember two things:
19120 (1) Be content with what you've got.
19121 (2) Be sure you've got plenty.
19124 Parachute. Used once.
19125 Never opened. Slightly Stained.
19127 For some reason a glaze passes over people's faces when you say
19128 "Canada". Maybe we should invade South Dakota or something.
19129 -- Sandra Gotlieb, wife of the Canadian ambassador to
19132 For some reason, this fortune reminds everyone of Marvin Zelkowitz.
19134 "For that matter, compare your pocket computer with the massive jobs of
19135 a thousand years ago. Why not, then, the last step of doing away with
19136 computers altogether?"
19139 For the fashion of Minas Tirith was such that it was built on seven levels,
19140 each delved into a hill, and about each was set a wall, and in each wall
19142 -- J. R. R. Tolkien, "The Return of the King"
19144 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
19145 referring to system overview.]
19148 For the first time we have a weapon that nobody has used for thirty years.
19149 This gives me great hope for the human race.
19152 For the next hour, WE will control all that you see and hear.
19154 For thee the wonder-working earth puts forth sweet flowers.
19155 -- Titus Lucretius Carus
19157 For there are moments when one can neither think nor feel. And if one can
19158 neither think nor feel, she thought, where is one?
19159 -- Virginia Woolf, "To the Lighthouse"
19161 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
19162 referring to powerfail recovery.]
19164 For they starve the frightened little child
19165 Till it weeps both night and day:
19166 And they scourge the weak, and flog the fool,
19167 And gibe the old and grey,
19168 And some grow mad, and all grow bad,
19169 And none a word may say.
19171 Each narrow cell in which we dwell
19172 Is a foul and dark latrine,
19173 And the fetid breath of living Death
19174 Chokes up each grated screen,
19175 And all, but Lust, is turned to dust
19176 In Humanity's machine.
19178 And all men kill the thing they love,
19179 By all let this be heard,
19180 Some do it with a bitter look,
19181 Some with a flattering word,
19182 The coward does it with a kiss,
19183 The brave man with a sword.
19186 For thirty years a certain man went to spend every evening with Mme. ___.
19187 When his wife died his friends believed he would marry her, and urged
19188 him to do so. "No, no," he said: "if I did, where should I have to
19189 spend my evenings?"
19192 For those of you who have been unfortunate enough to never have tasted the
19193 'Great Chieftain O' the Pudden Race' (i.e. haggis) here is an easy to follow
19194 recipe which results in a dish remarkably similar to the above mentioned
19197 1 Sheep's Pluck (heart, lungs, liver) and bag
19198 2 teacupsful toasted oatmeal
19200 8 oz. shredded suet
19202 1/2 teaspoonful black pepper
19204 Scrape and clean bag in cold, then warm, water. Soak in salt water
19205 overnight. Wash pluck, then boil for 2 hours with windpipe draining over
19206 the side of pot. Retain 1 pint of stock. Cut off windpipe, remove surplus
19207 gristle, chop or mince heart and lungs, and grate best part of liver (about
19208 half only). Parboil and chop onions, mix all together with oatmeal, suet,
19209 salt, pepper and stock to moisten. Pack the mixture into bag, allowing for
19210 swelling. Boil for three hours, pricking regularly all over. If bag not
19211 available, steam in greased basin covered by greaseproof paper and cloth for
19212 four to five hours.
19214 For those who like this sort of thing, this is the sort of thing they
19218 "For three days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow but
19219 phone calls taper off."
19222 For what it's worth, if you -can- get Michelle Pfeiffer to model
19223 a latex daemon suit for the catalog, I strongly suggest you do.
19224 Breasts can sell anything. Shiny red latex body suits start
19226 -- Brian McGroarty <bvmcg@yahoo.com>
19228 For years a secret shame destroyed my peace --
19229 I'd not read Eliot, Auden or MacNiece.
19230 But now I think a thought that brings me hope:
19231 Neither had Chaucer, Shakespeare, Milton, Pope.
19232 -- Justin Richardson
19234 For your penance, say five Hail Marys and one loud BLAH!
19236 Force has no place where there is need of skill.
19239 "Force is but might," the teacher said--
19240 "That definition's just."
19241 The boy said naught but thought instead,
19242 Remembering his pounded head:
19243 "Force is not might but must!"
19246 If it breaks, well, it wasn't working anyway...
19247 No, don't force it, get a bigger hammer.
19249 FORCE YOURSELF TO RELAX!
19252 A prediction of the future, based on the past, for
19253 which the forecaster demands payment in the present.
19255 Forest fires cause Smokey Bears.
19258 A gift of God bestowed upon debtors in compensation for their
19259 destitution of conscience.
19261 Forgive and forget.
19265 for he believes that the customs of his tribe are the laws of nature!
19266 -- George Bernard Shaw
19268 Forgive, O Lord, my little jokes on Thee
19269 And I'll forgive Thy great big one on me.
19272 Forgive your enemies, but don't forget their names.
19275 Forms follow function, and often obliterate it.
19277 Forsan et haec olim meminisse juvabit.
19281 FORTRAN is a good example of a language
19282 which is easier to parse using ad hoc techniques.
19284 [What's good about it? Ed.]
19286 FORTRAN is for pipe stress freaks and crystallography weenies.
19288 FORTRAN is not a flower but a weed -- it is hardy,
19289 occasionally blooms, and grows in every computer.
19292 FORTRAN is the language of Powerful Computers.
19295 FORTRAN rots the brain.
19298 FORTRAN, "the infantile disorder", by now nearly 20 years old, is hopelessly
19299 inadequate for whatever computer application you have in mind today: it is
19300 too clumsy, too risky, and too expensive to use.
19301 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5
19303 [FORTRAN] will persist for some time --
19304 probably for at least the next decade.
19307 Fortunate is he for whom the belle toils.
19309 Fortunately, the responsibility for providing evidence is on the part of
19310 the person making the claim, not the critic. It is not the responsibility
19311 of UFO skeptics to prove that a UFO has never existed, nor is it the
19312 responsibility of paranormal-health-claims skeptics to prove that crystals
19313 or colored lights never healed anyone. The skeptic's role is to point out
19314 claims that are not adequately supported by acceptable evidence and to
19315 provide plausible alternative explanations that are more in keeping with
19316 the accepted body of scientific evidence.
19317 -- Thomas L. Creed, The Skeptical Inquirer, Vol. XII,
19320 Fortune and love befriend the bold.
19323 FORTUNE ANSWERS THE TOUGH QUESTIONS: #3
19325 Q: Why haven't you graduated yet?
19326 A: Well, Dad, I could have finished years ago, but I wanted
19327 my dissertation to rhyme.
19329 FORTUNE ANSWERS THE TOUGH QUESTIONS: #8
19332 A: No, He's a mythter.
19334 fortune: cannot execute. Out of cookies.
19336 fortune: CPU time/usefulness ratio too high -- core dumped.
19338 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #14
19341 Let's say a man and woman are watching a boxing match on TV. One
19342 of the boxers is felled by a low blow. The woman says "Oh, gee. That must
19343 hurt." The man doubles over and actually FEELS the pain.
19346 A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the
19347 garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up
19348 for: weddings, funerals. Speaking of weddings, when reminiscing about
19349 weddings, women talk about "the ceremony". Men laugh about "the bachelor
19353 Men think David Letterman is the funniest man on the face of the
19354 Earth. Women think he is a mean, semi-dorky guy who always has a bad
19357 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #16
19360 First of all, a man does not call a relationship a relationship -- he
19361 refers to it as "that time when me and Suzie were doing it on a semi-regular
19363 When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to
19364 her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are Idiots". Then
19365 she will get on with her life.
19366 A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the
19367 breakup, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, "I just
19368 wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I
19369 hate you, and you're a total floozy. But I want you to know that there's
19370 always a chance for us". This is known as the "I Hate You / I Love You"
19371 drunken phone call, that 99% if all men have made at least once. There are
19372 community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need; alas,
19373 these classes rarely prove effective.
19375 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #17
19378 The average man has 4 pairs of footwear: running shoes, dress shoes,
19379 boots, and slippers. The average woman has shoes 4 layers thick on the floor
19380 of her closet. Most of them hurt her feet.
19383 A woman will meet another woman with common interests, do a few things
19384 together, and say something like, "I hope we can be good friends."
19385 A man will meet another man with common interests, do a few things
19386 together, and say nothing. After years of interacting with this other man,
19387 sharing hopes and fears that he wouldn't confide in his priest or
19388 psychiatrist, he'll finally let down his guard in a fit of drunken
19389 sentimentality and say something like, "You know, for someone who's such a
19390 jerk, I guess you're OK."
19392 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #2
19395 A woman will generally admire an ornate dessert for the artistic
19396 work it is, praising its creator and waiting a suitable interval before
19397 she reluctantly takes a small sliver off one edge. A man will start by
19398 grabbing the cherry in the center.
19401 The average man thinks his Y chromosome contains complete repair
19402 manuals for every car made since World War II. He will work on a problem
19403 himself until it either goes away or turns into something that "can't be
19404 fixed without special tools".
19405 The average woman thinks "that funny thump-thump noise" is an
19406 accurate description of an automotive problem. She will, however, have the
19407 car serviced at the proper intervals and thereby incur fewer problems than
19410 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #4
19413 When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about "the ceremony".
19414 Men talk about "the bachelor party".
19417 Men don't discard clothes. The average man still has the gym shirt
19418 he wore in high school. He thinks a jacket is "just getting broken in" about
19419 the time it develops holes in the elbows. A man will let new shirts sit on
19420 the shelf in their original packaging for a couple of years before putting
19421 them to use, hoping they'll become more comfortable with age.
19422 Women think clothes are radioactive, with a half-life of one year.
19423 They exercise precautions to avoid contamination by last year's fashions.
19425 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #5
19428 The average woman would really like to be told if her mate is fooling
19429 around behind her back. This same woman wouldn't tell her best friend if
19430 she knew the best friends' mate was having an affair. She'll tell all her
19431 OTHER friends, however. The average man won't say anything if he knows that
19432 one of his friend's mates is fooling around, and he'd rather not know if
19433 his mate is having an affair either, out of fear that it might be with one
19434 of his friends. He will tell all his friends about his own affairs, though,
19435 so they can be ready if he needs an alibi.
19439 A typical man thinks he's Mario Andretti as soon as he slips behind
19440 the wheel of his car. The fact that it's an 8-year-old Honda doesn't keep
19441 him from trying to out-accelerate the guy in the Porsche who's attempting
19442 to cut him off; freeway on-ramps are exciting challenges to see who has The
19443 Right Stuff on the morning commute. Does he or doesn't he? Only his body
19444 shop knows for sure. Insurance companies understand this behavior, and
19445 price their policies accordingly.
19446 A woman will slow down to let a car merge in front of her, and get
19447 rear-ended by another woman who was busy adding the finishing touches to
19450 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #6
19453 A man has six items in his bathroom -- a toothbrush, toothpaste,
19454 shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.
19455 The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man
19456 would not be able to identify most of these items.
19459 A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes to the store
19460 and buys these things. A man waits 'til the only items left in his fridge
19461 are half a lime and a Blue Ribbon. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys
19462 everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter,
19463 his cart is packed tighter that the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies.
19464 Of course, this will not stop him from entering the 10-items-or-less lane.
19466 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #8
19469 When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to go
19470 out. When a woman says she is ready to go out, it means she WILL be ready
19471 to go out, as soon as she finds her earring, finishes putting on her makeup,
19472 checks on the kids, makes a phone call to her best friend...
19475 Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't
19476 looking, men kick cats.
19479 Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows
19480 about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends
19481 and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. Men are vaguely
19482 aware of some short people living in the house.
19484 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #9
19487 Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article
19488 of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight
19489 years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes,
19490 he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain
19491 of clothes to the laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at
19492 the laundromat. This is a myth.
19495 If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle get together for lunch,
19496 they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle. But if
19497 Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately
19498 refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Godzilla, Peanut Brain and Useless.
19501 Men wear sensible socks. They wear standard white sweatsocks.
19502 Women wear strange socks. They are cut way below the ankles, have pictures
19503 of clouds on them, and have a big fuzzy ball on the back.
19505 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS! #6
19507 RAZORBACK: Paul Harbride, 1984, 2 hours 25 min.
19508 One of the great Australian films of the early 1980's, and
19509 arguably the best movie ever made about a large, man-eating
19510 hog. Some violence. With Gregory Harrison.
19512 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #10
19515 Bogart stars as the owner of a north african nightclub that sells
19516 only Mexican beer. Of course, this policy gets him into no end of
19517 trouble with the local French authorities who would really prefer
19518 wine and the occupying Germans who believe that only their beer is
19519 fit to be sold. Wacky events ensue until the gripping climax in
19520 which the much-hated German beer distributor is drowned in a vat.
19522 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #11
19525 Peter Weir's classic film examining the false heroism of parlour
19526 games. The powerful ending of the film sees one young man after
19527 another charge toward GO, only to senselessly lose his life on the
19528 Boardwalk property.
19530 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #12
19532 O.E.D.: David Lean, 1969, 3 hours 30 min.
19534 Lean's version of the Oxford Dictionary has been accused of
19535 shallowness in its treatment of a complete work. Omar Sharif
19536 tends to overact as aardvark, but Alec Guiness is solid in
19537 the role of abbacy. As usual, the photography is stunning.
19538 With Julie Christie.
19540 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #3
19542 MIRACLE ON 42ND STREET:
19543 Santa Claus, in the off season, follows his heart's desire and
19544 tries to make it big on Broadway. Santa sings and dances his way
19547 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #4
19550 Peter Weir directs Sylvester Stallone in the most challenging role
19551 of his career. Stallone plays a Philadelphia police officer on the
19552 run from corrupt officials. He is wounded and then nursed back to
19553 health by Amish Mennonites. Fearful that they might unwittingly
19554 reveal his hiding place, he blows them all away.
19556 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #5
19558 THE ATOMIC GRANDMOTHER:
19559 This humorous but heart-warming story tells of an elderly woman
19560 forced to work at a nuclear power plant in order to help the family
19561 make ends meet. At night, granny sits on the porch, tells tales
19562 of her colorful past, and the family uses her to cook barbecues
19563 and to power small electrical appliances. Maureen Stapleton gives
19564 a glowing performance.
19566 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #7
19568 OUT OF "OUT OF AFRICA":
19569 This film is a compilation of selected news clips depicting audiences
19570 frantically pushing and shoving to get out of theatres where "Out of
19571 Africa" is showing. Many people are trampled to death in the frenzy.
19572 Due to its violence and offensive language, not recommended for
19575 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #8
19577 THE SMURFS AND THE CUISINART (1986)
19578 The lovable little blue Smurfs encounter a lovable little kitchen
19579 appliance, which invites them to play. The Smurfs learn a valuable
19580 (if sometimes fatal) lesson.
19582 THE SMURFS AND THE CARBON-DIOXIDE INDUSTRIAL LASER (1987)
19583 The inevitable sequel. The lovable and somewhat mangled surviving
19584 Smurfs team up with the Care Bears to encounter a cute, lovable piece
19585 of high-tech welding equipment, which teaches them the magic of
19586 becoming rather greasy smoke. Heartwarming fun for the entire family.
19588 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #9
19590 THE PARKING PROBLEM IN PARIS: Jean-Luc Godard, 1971, 7 hours 18 min.
19592 Godard's meditation on the topic has been described as
19593 everything from "timeless" to "endless." (Remade by Gene
19594 Wilder as NO PLACE TO PARK.)
19596 Fortune Documents the Great Legal Decisions:
19598 It is a rule of evidence deduced from the experience of mankind and
19599 supported by reason and authority that positive testimony is entitled to
19600 more weight than negative testimony, but by the latter term is meant
19601 negative testimony in its true sense and not positive evidence of a
19602 negative, because testimony in support of a negative may be as positive
19603 as that in support of an affirmative.
19604 -- 254 Pac. Rep. 472.
19606 Fortune Documents the Great Legal Decisions:
19608 We can imagine no reason why, with ordinary care, human toes could not be
19609 left out of chewing tobacco, and if toes are found in chewing tobacco, it
19610 seems to us that someone has been very careless.
19613 Fortune Documents the Great Legal Decisions:
19615 We think that we may take judicial notice of the fact that the term "bitch"
19616 may imply some feeling of endearment when applied to a female of the canine
19617 species but that it is seldom, if ever, so used when applied to a female
19618 of the human race. Coming as it did, reasonably close on the heels of two
19619 revolver shots directed at the person of whom it was probably used, we think
19620 it carries every reasonable implication of ill-will toward that person.
19621 -- Smith v. Moran, 193 N.E. 2d 466.
19623 FORTUNE EXPLAINS WHAT JOB REVIEW CATCH PHRASES MEAN: #1
19625 skilled oral communicator:
19626 Mumbles inaudibly when attempting to speak. Talks to self.
19627 Argues with self. Loses these arguments.
19629 skilled written communicator:
19630 Scribbles well. Memos are invariable illegible, except for
19631 the portions that attribute recent failures to someone else.
19634 With proper guidance, periodic counseling, and remedial training,
19635 the reviewee may, given enough time and close supervision, meet
19636 the minimum requirements expected of him by the company.
19638 key company figure:
19639 Serves as the perfect counter example.
19641 FORTUNE EXPLAINS WHAT JOB REVIEW CATCH PHRASES MEAN: #4
19644 Reviewee hasn't gotten anything right yet, and it is anticipated
19645 that this pattern will continue throughout the coming year.
19647 an excellent sounding board:
19648 Present reviewee with any number of alternatives, and implement
19649 them in the order precisely opposite of his/her specification.
19651 a planner and organizer:
19652 Usually manages to put on socks before shoes. Can match the
19653 animal tags on his clothing.
19655 FORTUNE EXPLAINS WHAT JOB REVIEW CATCH PHRASES MEAN: #9
19657 has management potential:
19658 Because of his intimate relationship with inanimate objects, the
19659 reviewee has been appointed to the critical position of department
19663 A true inspiration to others. ("There, but for the grace of God,
19667 Passes wind, water, or out depending upon the severity of the
19671 Continually sets low goals for himself, and usually fails
19674 Fortune favors the lucky.
19676 Fortune finishes the great quotations, #12
19678 Those who can, do. Those who can't, write the instructions.
19680 Fortune finishes the great quotations, #15
19682 "Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses."
19683 And while you're at it, throw in a couple of those Dallas
19684 Cowboy cheerleaders.
19686 Fortune finishes the great quotations, #17
19688 "This bud of love, by summer's ripening breath,
19689 May prove a beauteous flower when next we meet."
19690 Juliet, this bud's for you.
19692 Fortune finishes the great quotations, #2
19694 If at first you don't succeed, think how many people
19697 Fortune finishes the great quotations, #21
19699 Shall I compare thee to a Summer day?
19702 Fortune finishes the great quotations, #3
19704 Birds of a feather flock to a newly washed car.
19706 Fortune finishes the great quotations, #6
19708 "But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?"
19709 It's nothing, honey. Go back to sleep.
19711 Fortune finishes the great quotations, #9
19713 A word to the wise is often enough to start an argument.
19715 fortune: No such file or directory
19720 USEFUL PHRASES IN ESPERANTO, #1.
19722 ^Cu vi parolas angle? Do you speak English?
19723 Mi ne komprenas. I don't understand.
19724 Vi estas la sola esperantisto kiun mi You're the only Esperanto speaker
19725 renkontas. I've met.
19726 La ^ceko estas enpo^stigita. The check is in the mail.
19727 Oni ne povas, ^gin netrovi. You can't miss it.
19728 Mi nur rigardadas. I'm just looking around.
19729 Nu, ^sajnis bona ideo. Well, it seemed like a good idea.
19732 USEFUL PHRASES IN ESPERANTO, #2.
19734 ^Cu tiu loko estas okupita? Is this seat taken?
19735 ^Cu vi ofte venas ^ci-tien? Do you come here often?
19736 ^Cu mi povas havi via telelonnumeron? May I have your phone number?
19737 Mi estas komputilisto. I work with computers.
19738 Mi legas multe da scienca fikcio. I read a lot of science fiction.
19739 ^Cu necesas ke vi eliras? Do you really have to be going?
19742 USEFUL PHRASES IN ESPERANTO, #5.
19744 Mi ^cevalovipus vin se mi havus I'd horsewhip you if I had a horse.
19746 Vere vi ^sercas. You must be kidding.
19747 Nu, parDOOOOOnu min! Well exCUUUUUSE me!
19748 Kiu invitis vin? Who invited you?
19749 Kion vi diris pri mia patrino? What did you say about my mother?
19750 Bu^so^stopu min per kulero. Gag me with a spoon.
19752 FORTUNE PRESENTS FAMOUS LAST WORDS: #4
19754 Socrates: I DRANK WHAT!?!?
19755 Tarzan: Who greased the grape viiiiiiiiiiiinnnneee........
19756 Al Capone: There's a violin in my violin case!
19757 Pilot, TWA Fl. #343: What's a mountain goat doing 'way up here?
19759 FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #13
19761 A: Doc, Happy, Bashful, Dopey, Sneezy, Sleepy, & Grumpy
19762 Q: Who were the Democratic presidential candidates?
19764 FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #15
19766 A: The Royal Canadian Mounted Police.
19767 Q: What was the greatest achievement in taxidermy?
19769 FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #19
19771 A: To be or not to be.
19772 Q: What is the square root of 4b^2?
19774 FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #21
19776 A: Dr. Livingston I. Presume.
19777 Q: What's Dr. Presume's full name?
19779 FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #31
19781 A: Chicken Teriyaki.
19782 Q: What is the name of the world's oldest kamikaze pilot?
19784 FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #4
19786 A: Go west, young man, go west!
19787 Q: What do wabbits do when they get tiwed of wunning awound?
19789 FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #5
19791 A: The Halls of Montezuma and the Shores of Tripoli.
19792 Q: Name two families whose kids won't join the Marines.
19794 FORTUNE REMEMBERS THE GREAT MOTHERS: #5
19796 "And, and, and, and, but, but, but, but!"
19797 -- Mrs. Janice Markowsky, April 8, 1965
19799 FORTUNE REMEMBERS THE GREAT MOTHERS: #6
19801 "Johnny, if you fall and break your leg, don't come running to me!"
19802 -- Mrs. Emily Barstow, June 16, 1954
19804 Fortune suggests uses for YOUR favorite UNIX commands!
19808 drink < bottle; opener (Bourne Shell)
19809 cat "food in tin cans" (all but 4.[23]BSD)
19810 Hey UNIX! Got a match? (V6 or C shell)
19811 mkdir matter; cat > matter (Bourne Shell)
19813 man: Why did you get a divorce? (C shell)
19814 date me (anything up to 4.3BSD)
19815 make "heads or tails of all this"
19818 If I had a ) for every dollar of the national debt, what would I have?
19819 sleep with me (anything up to 4.3BSD)
19821 Fortune: You will be attacked next Wednesday at 3:15 p.m. by six samurai
19822 sword wielding purple fish glued to Harley-Davidson motorcycles.
19824 Oh, and have a nice day!
19825 -- Bryce Nesbitt '84
19827 fortune's Contribution of the Month to the Animal Rights Debate:
19829 I'll stay out of animals' way if they'll stay out of mine.
19830 "Hey you, get off my plate"
19833 Fortune's current rates:
19837 Answers requiring thought .50
19838 Correct answers $1.00
19840 Dumb looks are still free.
19842 Fortune's diet truths:
19843 1: Forget what the cookbooks say, plain yogurt tastes nothing like sour cream.
19844 2: Any recipe calling for soybeans tastes like mud.
19845 3: Carob is not an acceptable substitute for chocolate. In fact, carob is not
19846 an acceptable substitute for anything, except, perhaps, brown shoe polish.
19847 4: There is no such thing as a "fun salad." So let's stop pretending and see
19848 salads for what they are: God's punishment for being fat.
19849 5: Fruit salad without maraschino cherries and marshmallows is about as
19850 appealing as tepid beer.
19851 6: A world lacking gravy is a tragic place!
19852 7: You should immediately pass up any recipes entitled "luscious and
19853 low-cal." Also skip dishes featuring "lively liver." They aren't and
19855 8: Wearing a blindfold often makes many diet foods more palatable.
19856 9: Fresh fruit is not dessert. CAKE is dessert!
19857 10: Okra tastes slightly worse than its name implies.
19858 11: A plain baked potato isn't worth the effort involved in chewing and
19861 Fortune's Exercising Truths:
19863 1: Richard Simmons gets paid to exercise like a lunatic. You don't.
19864 2. Aerobic exercises stimulate and speed up the heart. So do heart attacks.
19865 3. Exercising around small children can scar them emotionally for life.
19866 4. Sweating like a pig and gasping for breath is not refreshing.
19867 5. No matter what anyone tells you, isometric exercises cannot be done
19868 quietly at your desk at work. People will suspect manic tendencies as
19869 you twitter around in your chair.
19870 6. Next to burying bones, the thing a dog enjoys most is tripping joggers.
19871 7. Locking four people in a tiny, cement-walled room so they can run around
19872 for an hour smashing a little rubber ball -- and each other -- with a hard
19873 racket should immediately be recognized for what it is: a form of insanity.
19874 8. Fifty push-ups, followed by thirty sit-ups, followed by ten chin-ups,
19875 followed by one throw-up.
19876 9. Any activity that can't be done while smoking should be avoided.
19878 FORTUNE'S FAVORITE RECIPES: #8
19881 1 or 2 quarts rum 1 tbsp. baking powder
19882 1 cup butter 1 tsp. soda
19883 1 tsp. sugar 1 tbsp. lemon juice
19884 2 large eggs 2 cups brown sugar
19885 2 cups dried assorted fruit 3 cups chopped English walnuts
19887 Before you start, sample the rum to check for quality. Good, isn't it? Now
19888 select a large mixing bowl, measuring cup, etc. Check the rum again. It
19889 must be just right. Be sure the rum is of the highest quality. Pour one cup
19890 of rum into a glass and drink it as fast as you can. Repeat. With an electric
19891 mixer, beat one cup butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add 1 seaspoon of tugar
19892 and beat again. Meanwhile, make sure the rum teh absolutely highest quality.
19893 Sample another cup. Open second quart as necessary. Add 2 orge laggs, 2 cups
19894 of fried druit and beat untill high. If the fried druit gets stuck in the
19895 beaters, just pry it loose with a screwdriver. Sample the rum again, checking
19896 for toncisticity. Next sift 3 cups of baking powder, a pinch of rum, a
19897 seaspoon of toda and a cup of pepper or salt (it really doesn't matter).
19898 Sample some more. Sift 912 pint of lemon juice. Fold in schopped butter and
19899 strained chups. Add bablespoon of brown gugar, or whatever color you have.
19900 Mix mell. Grease oven and turn cake pan to 350 gredees and rake until
19901 poothtick comes out crean.
19903 Fortune's Fictitious Country Song Title of the Week:
19904 "How Can I Miss You if You Won't Go Away?"
19906 FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #1
19907 A guinea pig is not from Guinea but a rodent from South America.
19908 A firefly is not a fly, but a beetle.
19909 A giant panda bear is really a member of the raccoon family.
19910 A black panther is really a leopard that has a solid black coat
19911 rather than a spotted one.
19912 Peanuts are not really nuts. The majority of nuts grow on trees
19913 while peanuts grow underground. They are classified as a
19914 legume-part of the pea family.
19915 A cucumber is not a vegetable but a fruit.
19917 FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #14
19918 The Baby Ruth candy bar was not named after George Herman "The Babe"
19919 Ruth, but after the oldest daughter of President Grover Cleveland.
19921 FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #37
19922 Can you name the seven seas?
19923 Antarctic, Arctic, North Atlantic, South Atlantic, Indian,
19924 North Pacific, South Pacific.
19925 Can you name the seven dwarfs from Snow White?
19926 Doc, Dopey, Sneezy, Happy, Grumpy, Sleepy and Bashful.
19928 FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #44
19929 Zebra's are colored with dark stripes on a light background.
19931 FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #108
19933 In Memphis, Tennessee, it is illegal for a woman to drive a car unless
19934 there is a man either running or walking in front of it waving a red
19935 flag to warn approaching motorists and pedestrians.
19937 FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #14
19938 According to Kentucky state law, every person must take a bath
19939 at least once a year.
19941 FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #16
19943 The Arkansas legislature passed a law that states that the Arkansas River
19944 can rise no higher than to the Main Street bridge in Little Rock.
19946 FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #19
19947 A Los Angeles judge ruled that "a citizen may snore with immunity in
19948 his own home, even though he may be in possession of unusual and exceptional
19949 ability in that particular field."
19951 FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #1
19953 In Blythe, California, a city ordinance declares that a person must own
19954 at least two cows before he can wear cowboy boots in public.
19956 FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #2
19957 Horses are forbidden to eat fire hydrants in Marshalltown, Iowa.
19959 FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #3
19960 A New York City judge ruled that if two women behind you at the
19961 movies insist on discussing the probable outcome of the film, you have the
19962 right to turn around and blow a Bronx cheer at them.
19964 FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #8
19966 Idaho state law makes it illegal for a man to give his sweetheart
19967 a box of candy weighing less than fifty pounds.
19969 Fortune's graffito of the week (or maybe even month):
19971 Don't Write On Walls!
19975 You want I should type?
19977 Fortune's Great Moments in History: #3
19980 A Hall of Fame opened to honor outstanding members of the
19981 Women's Air Corp. It was a WAC's Museum.
19983 FORTUNE'S GUIDE TO DEALING WITH REAL-LIFE SCIENCE FICTION: #14
19985 if reality disappears?
19986 Hope this one doesn't happen to you. There isn't much that you
19987 can do about it. It will probably be quite unpleasant.
19989 if you meet an older version of yourself who has invented a time
19990 traveling machine, and has come from the future to meet you?
19991 Play this one by the book. Ask about the stock market and cash in.
19992 Don't forget to invent a time traveling machine and visit your
19993 younger self before you die, or you will create a paradox. If you
19994 expect this to be tricky, make sure to ask for the principles
19995 behind time travel, and possibly schematics. Never, NEVER, ask
19996 when you'll die, or if you'll marry your current SO.
19998 FORTUNE'S GUIDE TO DEALING WITH REAL-LIFE SCIENCE FICTION: #2
20000 if you get a phone call from Mars:
20001 Speak slowly and be sure to enunciate your words properly. Limit
20002 your vocabulary to simple words. Try to determine if you are
20003 speaking to someone in a leadership capacity, or an ordinary citizen.
20005 if he, she or it doesn't speak English?
20006 Hang up. There's no sense in trying to learn Martian over the phone.
20007 If your Martian really had something important to say to you, he, she
20008 or it would have taken the trouble to learn the language before
20011 if you get a phone call from Jupiter?
20012 Explain to your caller, politely but firmly, that being from Jupiter,
20013 he, she or it is not "life as we know it". Try to terminate the
20014 conversation as soon as possible. It will not profit you, and the
20015 charges may have been reversed.
20017 FORTUNE'S GUIDE TO DEALING WITH REAL-LIFE SCIENCE FICTION: #6
20019 if a starship, equipped with an FTL hyperdrive lands in your backyard?
20020 First of all, do not run after your camera. You will not have any
20021 film, and, given the state of computer animation, noone will believe
20022 you anyway. Be polite. Remember, if they have an FTL hyperdrive,
20023 they can probably vaporize you, should they find you to be rude.
20024 Direct them to the White House lawn, which is where they probably
20025 wanted to land, anyway. A good road map should help.
20027 if you wake up in the middle of the night, and discover that your
20028 closet contains an alternate dimension?
20029 Don't walk in. You almost certainly will not be able to get back,
20030 and alternate dimensions are almost never any fun. Remain calm
20031 and go back to bed. Close the door first, so that the cat does not
20032 wander off. Check your closet in the morning. If it still contains
20033 an alternate dimension, nail it shut.
20035 Fortune's Guide to Freshman Notetaking:
20037 WHEN THE PROFESSOR SAYS: YOU WRITE:
20039 Probably the greatest quality of the poetry John Milton -- born 1608
20040 of John Milton, who was born in 1608, is the
20041 combination of beauty and power. Few have
20042 excelled him in the use of the English language,
20043 or for that matter, in lucidity of verse form,
20044 'Paradise Lost' being said to be the greatest
20045 single poem ever written."
20047 Current historians have come to Most of the problems that now
20048 doubt the complete advantageousness face the United States are
20049 of some of Roosevelt's policies... directly traceable to the
20050 bungling and greed of President
20053 ... it is possible that we simply do Professor Mitchell is a
20054 not understand the Russian viewpoint... communist.
20056 Fortune's Law of the Week (this week, from Kentucky):
20057 No female shall appear in a bathing suit at any airport in this
20058 State unless she is escorted by two officers or unless she is armed
20059 with a club. The provisions of this statute shall not apply to females
20060 weighing less than 90 pounds nor exceeding 200 pounds, nor shall it
20061 apply to female horses.
20063 Fortune's nomination for All-Time Champion and Protector of Youthful
20064 Morals goes to Representative Clare E. Hoffman of Michigan. During an
20065 impassioned House debate over a proposed bill to "expand oyster and
20066 clam research," a sharp-eared informant transcribed the following
20067 exchange between our hero and Rep. John D. Dingell, also of Michigan.
20069 DINGELL: There are places in the world at the present time where we are
20070 having to artificially propagate oysters and clams.
20071 HOFFMAN: You mean the oysters I buy are not nature's oysters?
20072 DINGELL: They may or may not be natural. The simple fact of the matter
20073 is that female oysters through their living habits cast out
20074 large amounts of seed and the male oysters cast out large
20075 amounts of fertilization ...
20076 HOFFMAN: Wait a minute! I do not want to go into that. There are many
20077 teenagers who read The Congressional Record.
20079 Fortune's Office Door Sign of the Week:
20081 Incorrigible punster -- Do not incorrige.
20083 FORTUNE'S PARTY TIPS #14
20085 Tired of finding that other people are helping themselves to your good
20086 liquor at BYOB parties? Take along a candle, which you insert and
20087 light after you've opened the bottle. No one ever expects anything
20088 drinkable to be in a bottle which has a candle stuck in its neck.
20090 Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #18:
20092 Q: Are you married?
20093 A: No, I'm divorced.
20094 Q: And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
20095 A: A lot of things I didn't know about.
20097 Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #19:
20099 Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
20100 A: All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.
20102 Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #29:
20104 THE JUDGE: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present
20105 information and prejudice from your minds, if you have
20108 Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #32:
20110 Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
20111 A: I will be three months November 8th.
20112 Q: Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?
20114 Q: What were you and your husband doing at that time?
20116 Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #37:
20118 Q: Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
20120 Q: What was he doing with the dog's ears?
20121 A: Picking them up in the air.
20122 Q: Where was the dog at this time?
20123 A: Attached to the ears.
20125 Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #3:
20127 Q: When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were
20128 able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to
20129 go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with
20130 him to the station?
20131 MR. BROOKS: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.
20133 Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #41:
20135 Q: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
20137 Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
20139 Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #52:
20141 Q: What is your name?
20142 A: Ernestine McDowell.
20143 Q: And what is your marital status?
20146 Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #7:
20148 Q: What happened then?
20149 A: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify
20151 Q: Did he kill you?
20154 Fortune's Rules for Memo Wars: #2
20156 Given the incredible advances in sociocybernetics and telepsychology over
20157 the last few years, we are now able to completely understand everything that
20158 the author of an memo is trying to say. Thanks to modern developments
20159 in electrocommunications like notes, vnews, and electricity, we have an
20160 incredible level of interunderstanding the likes of which civilization has
20161 never known. Thus, the possibility of your misinterpreting someone else's
20162 memo is practically nil. Knowing this, anyone who accuses you of having
20163 done so is a liar, and should be treated accordingly. If you *do* understand
20164 the memo in question, but have absolutely nothing of substance to say, then
20165 you have an excellent opportunity for a vicious ad hominem attack. In fact,
20166 the only *inappropriate* times for an ad hominem attack are as follows:
20168 1: When you agree completely with the author of an memo.
20169 2: When the author of the original memo is much bigger than you are.
20170 3: When replying to one of your own memos.
20172 FORTUNE'S RULES TO LIVE BY: #2
20174 Never goose a wolverine.
20176 FORTUNE'S RULES TO LIVE BY: #23
20178 Don't cut off a police car when making an illegal U-turn.
20180 Forty isn't old, if you're a tree.
20182 Four be the things I am wiser to know:
20183 Idleness, sorrow, a friend, and a foe.
20185 Four be the things I'd been better without:
20186 Love, curiosity, freckles, and doubt.
20188 Three be the things I shall never attain:
20189 Envy, content, and sufficient champagne.
20191 Three be the things I shall have till I die:
20192 Laughter and hope and a sock in the eye.
20195 Four be the things I'd been better without:
20196 Love, curiosity, freckles, and doubt.
20197 -- Dorothy Parker, "Not So Deep as a Well"
20199 Four fifths of the perjury in the world is expended on
20200 tombstones, women and competitors.
20201 -- Lord Thomas Dewar
20203 Four hours to bury the cat?
20204 Yes, damn thing wouldn't keep still, kept mucking about, 'owling...
20206 Fourteen years in the professor dodge has taught me that one can argue
20207 ingeniously on behalf of any theory, applied to any piece of literature.
20208 This is rarely harmful, because normally no-one reads such essays.
20209 -- Robert Parker, quoted in "Murder Ink", ed. D. Wynn
20211 Fourth Law of Applied Terror:
20212 The night before the English History mid-term, your Biology
20213 instructor will assign 200 pages on planaria.
20216 Every instructor assumes that you have nothing else to do
20217 except study for that instructor's course.
20219 Fourth Law of Revision:
20220 It is usually impractical to worry beforehand about
20221 interferences -- if you have none, someone will make one for you.
20223 Fourth Law of Thermodynamics: If the probability of success is not
20224 almost one, it is damn near zero.
20227 Frankfort, Kentucky, makes it against the law to shoot off a
20230 Frankly, Scarlett, I don't have a fix.
20233 Fraud is the homage that force pays to reason.
20234 -- Charles Curtis, "A Commonplace Book"
20236 Free Speech Is The Right To Shout "Theater" In A Crowded Fire.
20237 -- A Yippie proverb
20239 Freedom begins when you tell Mrs. Grundy to go fly a kite.
20241 Freedom from incrustation of grime is contiguous to rectitude.
20243 Freedom is nothing else but the chance to do better.
20246 Freedom is slavery.
20247 Ignorance is strength.
20251 Freedom of the press is for those who happen to own one.
20253 Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose.
20254 -- Kris Kristofferson, "Me and Bobby McGee"
20256 Fremen add life to spice!
20258 Fresco's Discovery:
20259 If you knew what you were doing you'd probably be bored.
20261 Friction is a drag.
20264 Increased automation of clerical function
20265 invariably results in increased operational costs.
20267 Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
20271 People who borrow your books and set wet glasses on them.
20273 People who know you well, but like you anyway.
20275 Friends, Romans, Hipsters,
20276 Let me clue you in;
20277 I come to put down Caesar, not to groove him.
20278 The square kicks some cats are on stay with them;
20279 The hip bits, like, go down under; so let it lay with Caesar. The cool Brutus
20280 Gave you the message: Caesar had big eyes;
20281 If that's the sound, someone's copping a plea,
20282 And, like, old Caesar really set them straight.
20283 Here, copacetic with Brutus and the studs, -- for Brutus is a real cool cat;
20284 So are they all, all cool cats, --
20285 Come I to make this gig at Caesar's laying down.
20287 Friendships last when each friend thinks he has a slight superiority
20289 -- Honore de Balzac
20291 Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die,
20292 your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
20294 Frisbeetarianism, n.:
20295 The belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and
20299 To manipulate or adjust, to tweak. Derived from FROBNITZ.
20300 Usually abbreviated to FROB. Thus one has the saying "to frob a
20301 frob". See TWEAK and TWIDDLE. Usage: FROB, TWIDDLE, and TWEAK
20302 sometimes connote points along a continuum. FROB connotes aimless
20303 manipulation; TWIDDLE connotes gross manipulation, often a coarse
20304 search for a proper setting; TWEAK connotes fine-tuning. If someone is
20305 turning a knob on an oscilloscope, then if he's carefully adjusting it
20306 he is probably tweaking it; if he is just turning it but looking at the
20307 screen he is probably twiddling it; but if he's just doing it because
20308 turning a knob is fun, he's frobbing it.
20310 Frobnitz, pl. Frobnitzem (frob'nitsm) n.:
20311 An unspecified physical object, a widget. Also refers to
20312 electronic black boxes. This rare form is usually abbreviated to
20313 FROTZ, or more commonly to FROB. Also used are FROBNULE, FROBULE, and
20314 FROBNODULE. Starting perhaps in 1979, FROBBOZ (fruh-bahz'), pl.
20315 FROBBOTZIM, has also become very popular, largely due to its exposure
20316 via the Adventure spin-off called Zork (Dungeon). These can also be
20317 applied to non-physical objects, such as data structures.
20319 From 0 to "what seems to be the problem officer" in 8.3 seconds.
20320 -- Ad for the new VW Corrado
20322 From a certain point onward there is no longer any turning back.
20323 That is the point that must be reached.
20326 From a Tru64 patch description:
20328 Fixes a bug that causes a panic due to software error
20330 [From an announcement of a congress of the International Ontopsychology
20331 Association, in Rome]:
20333 The Ontopsychological school, availing itself of new research criteria
20334 and of a new telematic epistemology, maintains that social modes do not
20335 spring from dialectics of territory or of class, or of consumer goods,
20336 or of means of power, but rather from dynamic latencies capillarized in
20337 millions of individuals in system functions which, once they have
20338 reached the event maturation, burst forth in catastrophic phenomenology
20339 engaging a suitable stereotype protagonist or duty marionette (general,
20340 president, political party, etc.) to consummate the act of social
20341 schizophrenia in mass genocide.
20343 From Italian tourist guide:
20345 "Non stop trains to Roma Termini Station leave from 7.38
20346 a.m. to 10.08 p.m., hourly."
20348 From listening comes wisdom and from speaking repentance.
20350 From the cradle to the coffin underwear comes first.
20353 From the crystal swirling waters,
20355 To the sacred halls of Bayonne,
20356 Where we stand pajamas on. (It's the only thing that rhymes.)
20357 From ev'ry hallowed venue,
20358 Ev'ry forest, mount and vale,
20359 Your butt is on the menu
20360 And the check is in the mail.
20361 -- The Piranha Club Anthem, to the tune of "De Camptown Races"
20363 From the "Guiness Book of World Records", 1973:
20365 Certain passages in several laws have always defied interpretation and
20366 the most inexplicable must be a matter of opinion. A judge of the
20367 Court of Session of Scotland has sent the editors of this book his
20368 candidate which reads, "In the Nuts (unground), (other than ground
20369 nuts) Order, the expression nuts shall have reference to such nuts,
20370 other than ground nuts, as would but for this amending Order not
20371 qualify as nuts (unground)(other than ground nuts) by reason of their
20372 being nuts (unground)."
20374 From the moment I picked your book up until I put it down I was
20375 convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
20376 -- Groucho Marx, from "The Book of Insults"
20378 [From the operation manual for the CI-300 Dot Matrix Line Printer, made
20381 The excellent output machine of MODEL CI-300 as extraordinary DOT
20382 MATRIX LINE PRINTER, built in two MICRO-PROCESSORs as well as EAROM, is
20383 featured by permitting wonderful co-existence such as; "high quality
20384 against low cost", "diversified functions with compact design",
20385 "flexibility in accessibleness and durability of approx. 2000,000,00
20386 Dot/Head", "being sophisticated in mechanism but possibly agile
20387 operating under noises being extremely suppressed" etc.
20389 And as a matter of course, the final goal is just simply to help
20390 achieve "super shuttle diplomacy" between cool data, perhaps earned by
20391 HOST COMPUTER, and warm heart of human being.
20393 From the pages of Open Systems Today - October 13, 1994 ..........
20395 "The International Standards Organization (ISO) and the
20396 International Electrotechnical Commission (IEC) designated
20397 October 14 as World Standards Day to recognize those
20398 volunteers who have worked hard to define international
20399 standards.......The United States celebrated World Standards
20400 Day on October 11; Finland celebrated on October 13; and
20401 Italy celebrated on October 18."
20403 From the Pro 350 Pocket Service Guide, p. 49, Step 5 of the
20404 instructions on removing an I/O board from the card cage, comes a new
20405 experience in sound:
20407 5. Turn the handle to the right 90 degrees. The pin-spreading
20408 sound is normal for this type of connector.
20410 From too much love of living,
20411 From hope and fear set free,
20412 We thank with brief thanksgiving,
20413 Whatever gods may be,
20414 That no life lives forever,
20415 That dead men rise up never,
20416 That even the weariest river winds somewhere safe to sea.
20420 If you actually look like your passport photo, you aren't well
20423 Fudd's First Law of Opposition:
20424 Push something hard enough and it will fall over.
20427 Get a can of shaving cream, throw it in a freezer for about a week.
20428 Then take it out, peel the metal off and put it where you want...
20429 bedroom, car, etc. As it thaws, it expands an unbelievable amount.
20432 In table tennis, whoever gets 21 points first wins. That's how
20433 it once was in baseball -- whoever got 21 runs first won.
20436 The name California was given to the state by Spanish conquistadores.
20437 It was the name of an imaginary island, a paradise on earth, in the
20438 Spanish romance, "Les Serges de Esplandian", written by Montalvo in
20443 Fundamentally, there may be no basis for anything.
20446 Having to wander through a maze of ropes at an airport or bank
20447 even when you are the only person in line.
20448 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
20451 Having to wander through a maze of ropes at an airport or bank
20452 even when you are the only person in line.
20453 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
20455 Furious activity is no substitute for understanding.
20458 Furthermore, if we send something by car, it's a shipment...
20459 but if we send it by ship, it's cargo.
20461 Future looks spotty. You will spill soup in late evening.
20463 Future will arrive by its own means. Progress not so.
20464 -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967)
20466 G. B. Shaw to William Douglas Home: "Go on writing plays, my boy. One
20467 of these days a London producer will go into his office and say to his
20468 secretary, `Is there a play from Shaw this morning?' and when she says
20469 `No,' he will say, `Well, then we'll have to start on the rubbish.' And
20470 that's your chance, my boy."
20472 Gaiety is the most outstanding feature of the Soviet Union.
20475 Galbraith's Law of Human Nature:
20476 Faced with the choice between changing one's mind and proving that
20477 there is no need to do so, almost everybody gets busy on the proof.
20479 Garbage In -- Gospel Out.
20482 An elastic band intended to keep a woman from coming out of her
20483 stockings and desolating the country.
20484 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
20486 Gauls! We have nothing to fear; except perhaps that the sky may fall
20487 on our heads tomorrow. But as we all know, tomorrow never comes!!
20488 -- Adventures of Asterix
20490 Gay shlafen: Yiddish for "go to sleep".
20492 Now doesn't "gay shlafen" have a softer, more soothing sound
20493 than the harsh, staccato "go to sleep"? Listen to the difference:
20494 "Go to sleep, you little wretch!" ... "Gay shlafen, darling."
20496 Clearly the best thing you can do for you children is to start
20497 speaking Yiddish right now and never speak another word of English as
20498 long as you live. This will, of course, entail teaching Yiddish to all
20499 your friends, business associates, the people at the supermarket, and
20500 so on, but that's just the point. It has to start with committed
20501 individuals and then grow ...
20502 Some minor adjustments will have to be made, of course: those
20503 signs written in what look like Yiddish letters won't be funny when
20504 everything is written in Yiddish. And we'll have to start driving on
20505 the left side of the road so we won't be reading the street signs
20506 backwards. But is that too high a price to pay for world peace? I
20507 think not, my friend, I think not.
20508 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
20510 Gee, Toto, I don't think we are in Kansas anymore.
20512 GEMINI (May 21 - June 20)
20513 A day to take the initiative. Put the garbage out, for
20514 instance, and pick up the stuff at the dry cleaners. Watch
20515 the mail carefully, although there won't be anything good
20516 in it today, either.
20518 GEMINI (May 21 - June 20)
20519 You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you
20520 because you are bisexual. However, you are inclined to expect too much
20521 for too little. This means you are cheap. Geminis are known for
20524 GEMINI (May 21 to Jun. 20)
20525 Good news and bad news highlighted. Enjoy the good news while
20526 you can; the bad news will make you forget it. You will enjoy praise
20527 and respect from those around you; everybody loves a sucker. A short
20528 trip is in the stars, possibly to the men's room.
20531 The predicament of a person in a restaurant who is unable to
20532 determine his or her designated restroom (e.g., turtles and
20534 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
20537 An account of one's descent from an ancestor
20538 who did not particularly care to trace his own.
20541 General notions are generally wrong.
20542 -- Lady M. W. Montagu
20544 Generally speaking, the Way of the warrior is resolute acceptance of death.
20545 -- Miyamoto Musashi, 1645
20549 Generosity and perfection are your everlasting goals.
20551 Genetics explains why you look like your father, and if you don't, why
20555 A chemist who discovers a laundry additive that rhymes with bright.
20558 Person clever enough to be born in the right place at the right
20559 time of the right sex and to follow up this advantage by saying
20560 all the right things to all the right people.
20562 Genius does what it must, and Talent does what it can.
20565 Genius is one percent inspiration and ninety-nine percent perspiration.
20566 -- Thomas Alva Edison
20571 Genius is ten percent inspiration and fifty percent capital gains.
20573 Genius is the talent of a person who is dead.
20575 Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus
20580 A chemist who discovers a laundry additive that rhymes with
20584 Why he stays in the bottle.
20587 Whilst marching from Portugal to a position which commands the approach
20588 to Madrid and the French forces, my officers have been diligently complying
20589 with your requests which have been sent by H.M. ship from London to Lisbon and
20590 thence by dispatch to our headquarters.
20591 We have enumerated our saddles, bridles, tents and tent poles, and all
20592 manner of sundry items for which His Majesty's Government holds me accountable.
20593 I have dispatched reports on the character, wit, and spleen of every officer.
20594 Each item and every farthing has been accounted for, with two regrettable
20595 exceptions for which I beg your indulgence.
20596 Unfortunately the sum of one shilling and ninepence remains unaccounted
20597 for in one infantry battalion's petty cash and there has been a hideous
20598 confusion as to the number of jars of raspberry jam issued to one cavalry
20599 regiment during a sandstorm in western Spain. This reprehensible carelessness
20600 may be related to the pressure of circumstance, since we are war with France, a
20601 fact which may come as a bit of a surprise to you gentlemen in Whitehall.
20602 This brings me to my present purpose, which is to request elucidation of
20603 my instructions from His Majesty's Government so that I may better understand
20604 why I am dragging an army over these barren plains. I construe that perforce it
20605 must be one of two alternative duties, as given below. I shall pursue either
20606 one with the best of my ability, but I cannot do both:
20607 1. To train an army of uniformed British clerks in Spain for the benefit
20608 of the accountants and copy-boys in London or perchance:
20609 2. To see to it that the forces of Napoleon are driven out of Spain.
20610 -- Duke of Wellington, to the British Foreign Office,
20613 Genuine happiness is when a wife sees a double chin on her husband's
20616 George Bernard Shaw once sent two tickets to the opening night of one of
20617 his plays to Winston Churchill with the following note:
20618 "Bring a friend, if you have one."
20620 Churchill wrote back, returning the two tickets and excused himself as he
20621 had a previous engagement. He also attached the following:
20622 "Please send me two tickets for the next night, if there is one."
20624 George Orwell 1984. Northwestern 0.
20625 -- Chicago Reader 10/15/82
20627 George Orwell was an optimist.
20629 George Washington was first in war, first in peace -- and the first to
20630 have his birthday juggled to make a long weekend.
20633 George's friend Sam had a dog who could recite the Gettysburg Address. "Let
20634 me buy him from you," pleaded George after a demonstration.
20635 "Okay," agreed Sam. "All he knows is that Lincoln speech anyway."
20636 At his company's Fourth of July picnic, George brought his new pet
20637 and announced that the animal could recite the entire Gettysburg Address.
20638 No one believed him, and they proceeded to place bets against the dog.
20639 George quieted the crowd and said, "Now we'll begin!" Then he looked at
20640 the dog. The dog looked back. No sound. "Come on, boy, do your stuff."
20641 Nothing. A disappointed George took his dog and went home.
20642 "Why did you embarrass me like that in front of everybody?" George
20643 yelled at the dog. "Do you realize how much money you lost me?"
20644 "Don't be silly, George," replied the dog. "Think of the odds we're
20645 gonna get on Labor Day."
20647 (German philosopher) Georg Wilhelm Hegel, on his deathbed, complained, "Only
20648 one man ever understood me." He fell silent for a while and then added,
20649 "And he didn't understand me."
20651 Gerrold's Laws of Infernal Dynamics:
20652 (1) An object in motion will always be headed in the wrong
20654 (2) An object at rest will always be in the wrong place.
20655 (3) The energy required to change either one of these states
20656 will always be more than you wish to expend, but never so
20657 much as to make the task totally impossible.
20659 Get forgiveness now -- tomorrow you may no longer feel guilty.
20664 The Gurus of Unix Meeting of Minds (GUMM) takes place Wednesday, April 1, 2076
20665 (check THAT in your perpetual calendar program), 14 feet above the ground
20666 directly in front of the Milpitas Gumps. Members will grep each other by the
20667 hand (after intro), yacc a lot, smoke filtered chroots in pipes, chown with
20668 forks, use the wc (unless uuclean), fseek nice zombie processes, strip, and
20669 sleep, but not, we hope, od. Three days will be devoted to discussion of the
20670 ramifications of whodo. Two seconds have been allotted for a complete rundown
20671 of all the user-friendly features of Unix. Seminars include "Everything You
20672 Know is Wrong", led by Tom Kempson, "Batman or Cat:man?" led by Richie Dennis
20673 "cc C? Si! Si!" led by Kerwin Bernighan, and "Document Unix, Are You
20674 Kidding?" led by Jan Yeats. No Reader Service No. is necessary because all
20675 GUGUs (Gurus of Unix Group of Users) already know everything we could tell
20677 -- Dr. Dobb's Journal, June 1984
20679 Get in touch with your feelings of hostility against the dying light.
20682 Get Revenge! Live long enough to be a problem for your children!
20684 Getting into trouble is easy.
20685 -- D. Winker and F. Prosser
20687 Getting kicked out of the American Bar Association is liked getting kicked
20688 out of the Book-of-the-Month Club.
20689 -- Melvin Belli on the occasion of his getting kicked out
20690 of the American Bar Association
20692 Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.
20695 Following the rules will not get the job done.
20697 Getting there is only half as far as getting there and back.
20699 Gibson's Springtime Song (to the tune of "Deck the Halls"):
20701 'Tis the season to chase mousies (Fa la la la la, la la la la)
20702 Snatch them from their little housies (...)
20703 First we chase them 'round the field (...)
20704 Then we have them for a meal (...)
20706 Toss them here and catch them there (...)
20707 See them flying through the air (...)
20708 Watch them fly and hear them squeal (...)
20709 Falling mice have great appeal (...)
20711 See the hunter stretched before us (...)
20712 He's chased the mice in field and forest (...)
20713 Watch him clean his long white whiskers (...)
20714 Of the blood of little critters (...)
20716 Gilbert's Discovery:
20717 Any attempt to use the new super glues results in the two pieces
20718 sticking to your thumb and index finger rather than to each other.
20720 Gil-galad was an Elven-King
20721 of him the harpers sadly sing;
20722 the last whose realm was fair and free
20723 between the Mountains and the Sea.
20725 His sword was long, his lance was keen,
20726 his shining helm afar was seen;
20727 the countless stars of heaven's field
20728 were mirrored in his silver shield.
20730 But long ago he rode away,
20731 and where he dwelleth none can say;
20732 for into darkness fell his star
20733 in Mordor where the shadows are.
20737 Ginsberg's Theorem:
20739 (2) You can't break even.
20740 (3) You can't even quit the game.
20742 Freeman's Commentary on Ginsberg's theorem:
20743 Every major philosophy that attempts to make life seem
20744 meaningful is based on the negation of one part of Ginsberg's
20747 (1) Capitalism is based on the assumption that you can win.
20748 (2) Socialism is based on the assumption that you can break
20750 (3) Mysticism is based on the assumption that you can quit the
20754 At the precise moment you take off your shoe in a shoe store, your
20755 big toe will pop out of your sock to see what's going on.
20757 GIVE: Support the helpless victims of computer error.
20759 Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day.
20760 Teach a man to fish, and he'll invite himself over for dinner.
20763 Give a small boy a hammer and he will find
20764 that everything he encounters needs pounding.
20766 Give a woman an inch and she'll park a car in it.
20768 Give all orders verbally. Never write anything down
20769 that might go into a "Pearl Harbor File".
20771 Give him an evasive answer.
20773 Give me a fish and I will eat today.
20774 Teach me to fish and I will eat forever.
20776 Give me a Plumber's friend the size of the Pittsburgh dome, and a place
20777 to stand, and I will drain the world.
20779 Give me a sleeping pill and tell me your troubles.
20781 Give me chastity and continence, but not just now.
20784 Give me enough medals, and I'll win any war.
20787 Give me libertines or give me meth.
20789 Give me the avowed, the erect, the manly foe,
20790 Bold I can meet -- perhaps may turn his blow!
20791 But of all plagues, good Heaven, thy wrath can send,
20792 Save me, oh save me from the candid friend.
20795 Give me the Luxuries, and the Hell with the Necessities!
20797 Give me your students, your secretaries,
20798 Your huddled writers yearning to breathe free,
20799 The wretched refuse of your Selectric III's.
20800 Give these, the homeless, typist-tossed to me.
20801 I lift my disk beside the processor.
20802 -- Inscription on a Word Processor
20804 Give thought to your reputation. Consider changing name and moving to
20807 Give thought to your reputation.
20808 Consider changing your name and moving to a new town.
20812 Give your child mental blocks for Christmas.
20814 Give your very best today.
20815 Heaven knows it's little enough.
20817 Given a choice between grief and nothing, I'd choose grief.
20818 -- William Faulkner
20820 Given its constituency, the only thing I expect to be "open" about [the
20821 Open Software Foundation] is its mouth.
20824 Given my druthers, I'd druther not.
20826 Given sufficient time, what you put
20827 off doing today will get done by itself.
20829 "Given the choice between accomplishing something and just lying
20830 around, I'd rather lie around. No contest."
20833 Giving money and power to governments is like giving whiskey and
20834 car keys to teenage boys.
20837 Giving up on assembly language was the apple in our Garden of Eden:
20838 Languages whose use squanders machine cycles are sinful. The LISP
20839 machine now permits LISP programmers to abandon bra and fig-leaf.
20840 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
20843 Petrified deposits of toothpaste found in sinks.
20844 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
20846 Glib's Fourth Law of Unreliability:
20847 Investment in reliability will increase until it exceeds the
20848 probable cost of errors, or until someone insists on getting some
20851 Gloffing is a state of mine.
20853 Glogg (a traditional Scandinavian holiday drink):
20854 fifth of dry red wine
20856 1 and 1/2 inch piece of cinnamon
20860 1 cup blanched or flaked almonds
20861 a few pieces of dried orange peel
20863 1/2 lb. sugar cubes
20864 Heat up the wine and hard stuff (which may be substituted with wine
20865 for the faint of heart) in a big pot after adding all the other stuff EXCEPT
20866 the sugar cubes. Just when it reaches boiling, put the sugar in a wire
20867 strainer, moisten it in the hot brew, lift it out and ignite it with a match.
20868 Dip the sugar several times in the liquid until it is all dissolved. Serve
20869 hot in cups with a few raisins and almonds in each cup.
20870 N.B. Aquavit may be hard to find and expensive to boot. Use it only
20871 if you really have a deep-seated desire to be fussy, or if you are of Swedish
20875 A person who leaves all his ski passes on his jacket just to
20877 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
20879 Go ahead... make my day.
20882 Go ahead, make my day.
20885 Go away, I'm all right.
20886 -- H. G. Wells' last words
20888 Go away! Stop bothering me with all your
20889 "compute this ... compute that"! I'm taking a VAX-NAP.
20893 Go climb a gravity well!
20895 Go directly to jail. Do not pass Go, do not collect $200.
20897 Go not to the elves for counsel, for they will say both yes and no.
20898 -- J. R. R. Tolkien
20900 Go out and tell a lie that will make the whole family proud of you.
20901 -- Cadmus, to Pentheus, in "The Bacchae" by Euripides
20903 Go placidly amid the noise and waste, and remember what value there may
20904 be in owning a piece thereof.
20905 -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
20907 Go slowly to the entertainments of thy friends,
20908 but quickly to their misfortunes.
20911 Go to a movie tonight.
20912 Darkness becomes you.
20914 Go to the Scriptures... the joyful promises it contains will be a balsam to
20918 The foundations of our society and our government rest so much on the
20919 teachings of the Bible that it would be difficult to support them if faith
20920 in these teachings would cease to be practically universal in our country.
20923 Lastly, our ancestors established their system of government on morality and
20924 religious sentiment. Moral habits, they believed, cannot safely be trusted
20925 on any other foundation than religious principle, nor any government be
20926 secure which is not supported by moral habits.
20929 Go 'way! You're bothering me!
20931 Goals... Plans... they're fantasies, they're part of a dream world...
20935 Darwin's chief rival.
20937 God created a few perfect heads.
20938 The rest he covered with hair.
20941 And boredom did indeed cease from that moment --
20942 but many other things ceased as well.
20943 Woman was God's second mistake.
20944 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
20946 God did not create the world in 7 days; He screwed
20947 around for 6 days and then pulled an all-nighter.
20949 God did not create the world in seven days; he screwed around for six
20950 days and then pulled an all-nighter.
20952 God doesn't play dice.
20955 God gave man two ears and one tongue so
20956 that we listen twice as much as we speak.
20959 God gives burdens; also shoulders.
20961 Jimmy Carter cited this Jewish saying in his concession speech
20962 at the end of the 1980 election. At least he said it was a Jewish
20963 saying; I can't find it anywhere. I'm sure he's telling the truth
20964 though; why would he lie about a thing like that?
20967 "God gives burdens; also shoulders"
20969 Jimmy Carter cited this Jewish saying in his concession speech at the
20970 end of the 1980 election. At least he said it was a Jewish saying; I
20971 can't find it anywhere. I'm sure he's telling the truth though; why
20972 would he lie about a thing like that?
20973 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
20975 God grant us the serenity to accept the things we cannot change, courage to
20976 change the things we can, and wisdom to know the difference.
20978 God has intended the great to be great and the little to be little ...
20979 The trade unions, under the European system, destroy liberty ... I do
20980 not mean to say that a dollar a day is enough to support a workingman
20981 ... not enough to support a man and five children if he insists on
20982 smoking and drinking beer. But the man who cannot live on bread and
20983 water is not fit to live! A family may live on good bread and water in
20984 the morning, water and bread at midday, and good bread and water at
20986 -- Rev. Henry Ward Beecher
20988 God help the troubadour who tries to be a star. The more
20989 that you try to find success, the more that you will fail.
20990 -- Phil Ochs, on the Second System Effect
20992 God help those who do not help themselves.
20995 God helps them that helps themselves.
20996 -- Benjamin Franklin
20998 God, I ask for patience -- and I want it right now!
21000 God instructs the heart, not by ideas,
21001 but by pains and contradictions.
21004 God is a comic playing to an audience that's afraid to laugh.
21006 God is a polytheist.
21015 God is dead and I don't feel all too well either....
21018 God is love, but get it in writing.
21021 God is not dead. He is alive and well and working on a
21022 much less ambitious project.
21024 God is not dead! He's alive and autographing bibles at Cody's!
21026 God is real, unless declared integer.
21028 God is really only another artist. He invented the giraffe, the
21029 elephant and the cat. He has no real style, He just goes on trying
21033 God is the tangential point between zero and infinity.
21036 God isn't dead. He just doesn't want to get involved.
21038 God isn't dead, he just couldn't find a parking place.
21040 God made everything out of nothing, but the nothingness shows through.
21043 God made machine language; all the rest is the work of man.
21045 God made the Idiot for practice, and then He made the School Board.
21048 God made the integers; all else is the work of Man.
21051 God made the world in six days, and was arrested on the seventh.
21053 God may be subtle, but He isn't plain mean.
21056 God must have loved calories, she made so many of them.
21058 God must love the Common Man; He made so many of them.
21060 God rest ye CS students now, The bearings on the drum are gone,
21061 Let nothing you dismay. The disk is wobbling, too.
21062 The VAX is down and won't be up, We've found a bug in Lisp, and Algol
21063 Until the first of May. Can't tell false from true.
21064 The program that was due this morn, And now we find that we can't get
21065 Won't be postponed, they say. At Berkeley's 4.2.
21068 We've just received a call from DEC, And now some cheery news for you,
21069 They'll send without delay The network's also dead,
21070 A monitor called RSuX We'll have to print your files on
21071 It takes nine hundred K. The line printer instead.
21072 The staff committed suicide, The turnaround time's nineteen weeks.
21073 We'll bury them today. And only cards are read.
21076 And now we'd like to say to you CHORUS: Oh, tidings of comfort and joy,
21077 Before we go away, Comfort and joy,
21078 We hope the news we've brought to you Oh, tidings of comfort and joy.
21079 Won't ruin your whole day.
21080 You've got another program due, tomorrow, by the way.
21082 -- to God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen
21084 God rest ye CS students now,
21085 Let nothing you dismay.
21086 The VAX is down and won't be up,
21087 Until the first of May.
21088 The program that was due this morn,
21089 Won't be postponed, they say.
21091 Oh, tidings of comfort and joy,
21093 Oh, tidings of comfort and joy.
21095 The bearings on the drum are gone,
21096 The disk is wobbling, too.
21097 We've found a bug in Lisp, and Algol
21098 Can't tell false from true.
21099 And now we find that we can't get
21104 God runs electromagnetics by wave theory on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday,
21105 and the Devil runs them by quantum theory on Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday.
21108 God said it, I believe it and that's all there is to it.
21110 God save us from a bad neighbor and a beginner on the fiddle.
21112 God shows his contempt for wealth by the kind of person he selects
21116 God votes Republican.
21118 God was satisfied with his own work, and that is fatal.
21122 By the time you get to the point where you can make ends meet,
21123 somebody moves the ends.
21125 Going the speed of light is bad for your age.
21127 Going to church does not make a person religious, nor does going to
21128 school make a person educated, any more than going to a garage makes a
21132 A soft malleable metal relatively scarce in distribution. It
21133 is mined deep in the earth by poor men who then give it to rich men who
21134 immediately bury it back in the earth in great prisons, although gold
21135 hasn't done anything to them.
21136 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
21138 Goldenstern's Rules:
21139 (1) Always hire a rich attorney.
21140 (2) Never buy from a rich salesman.
21142 Goldfish... what stupid animals. Even Wayne Cody stops
21143 eating before he bursts.
21146 If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
21149 (1) A backscratcher will always find new itches.
21150 (2) Time accelerates.
21151 (3) The weather at home improves as soon as you go away.
21153 Gone With The Wind LITE(tm)
21154 -- by Margaret Mitchell
21156 A woman only likes men she can't have and the South gets trashed.
21158 Gift of the Magii LITE(tm)
21161 A husband and wife forget to register their gift preferences.
21163 The Old Man and the Sea LITE(tm)
21164 -- by Ernest Hemingway
21166 An old man goes fishing, but doesn't have much luck.
21168 Diary of a Young Girl LITE(tm)
21171 A young girl hides in an attic but is discovered.
21173 Good advice is one of those insults that ought to be forgiven.
21175 Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad
21177 -- La Rochefoucauld
21179 Good day for a change of scene. Repaper the bedroom wall.
21181 Good day for business affairs.
21182 Make a pass at that the new file clerk.
21184 Good day for overcoming obstacles. Try a steeplechase.
21186 Good day to avoid cops. Crawl to school.
21188 Good day to avoid cops. Crawl to work.
21190 Good day to deal with people in high places;
21191 particularly lonely stewardesses.
21193 Good day to let down old friends who need help.
21195 Good evening, gentlemen. I am a HAL 9000 computer. I became operational
21196 at the HAL plant in Urbana, Illinois, on January 11th, nineteen hundred
21197 ninety-five. My supervisor was Mr. Langley, and he taught me to sing a
21198 song. If you would like, I could sing it for you.
21200 Good, fast, and cheap. Choose any two.
21202 Good girls go to heaven, bad girls go everywhere.
21204 Good government never depends upon laws, but upon the personal qualities of
21205 those who govern. The machinery of government is always subordinate to the
21206 will of those who administer that machinery. The most important element of
21207 government, therefore, is the method of choosing leaders.
21208 -- Frank Herbert, "Children of Dune"
21210 "Good health" is merely the slowest rate at which one can die.
21212 Good judgement comes from experience.
21213 Experience comes from bad judgement.
21216 Good leaders being scarce, following yourself is allowed.
21218 Good morning. This is the telephone company. Due to repairs, we're
21219 giving you advance notice that your service will be cut off indefinitely
21220 at ten o'clock. That's two minutes from now.
21222 Good news. Ten weeks from Friday will be a pretty good day.
21224 Good news from afar can bring you a welcome visitor.
21226 Good news is just life's way of keeping you off balance.
21228 Good night, Austin, Texas, wherever you are!
21230 Good night, Mrs. Calabash, wherever you are.
21232 Good night to spend with family, but avoid arguments with your mate's
21235 Good salesmen and good repairmen will never go hungry.
21238 Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths good theatre.
21241 "Good-bye. I am leaving because I am bored."
21242 -- George Saunders' dying words
21244 Goodbye, cool world.
21246 Gordon's first law:
21247 If a research project is not worth doing, it is not worth doing
21251 If you think you have the solution, the question was poorly phrased.
21253 Gosh that takes me back... or is it forward? That's the trouble with
21254 time travel, you never can tell.
21255 -- Doctor Who, "Androids of Tara"
21258 Hearing something you like about someone you don't.
21261 //GO.SYSIN DD *, DOODAH, DOODAH
21263 Got a complaint about the Internal Revenue Service?
21264 Call the convenient toll-free "IRS Taxpayer Complaint Hot Line Number":
21268 Got a dictionary? I want to know the meaning of life.
21270 Got a wife and kids in Baltimore Jack,
21271 I went out for a ride and never came back.
21272 Like a river that don't know where it's flowing,
21273 I took a wrong turn and I just kept going.
21275 Everybody's got a hungry heart.
21276 Everybody's got a hungry heart.
21277 Lay down your money and you play your part,
21278 Everybody's got a hungry heart.
21280 I met her in a Kingstown bar,
21281 We fell in love, I knew it had to end.
21282 We took what we had and we ripped it apart,
21283 Now here I am down in Kingstown again.
21285 Everybody needs a place to rest,
21286 Everybody wants to have a home.
21287 Don't make no difference what nobody says,
21288 Ain't nobody likes to be alone.
21289 -- Bruce Springsteen, "Hungry Heart"
21292 Call Avogadro at 6.02 x 10^23.
21295 A programming tool that exists to allow structured programmers
21296 to complain about unstructured programmers.
21300 Anyone whom, when you fail to finish something strange or
21301 revolting, remarks that it's an acquired taste and that you're
21302 leaving the best part.
21304 Govern a great nation as you would cook a small fish. Don't overdo it.
21307 Government [is] an illusion the governed should not encourage.
21308 -- John Updike, "Couples"
21310 Government lies, and newspapers lie, but in a democracy they are
21313 Government spending? I don't know what it's all about. I don't know any
21314 more about this thing than an economist does, and, God knows, he doesn't
21316 -- The Best of Will Rogers
21318 Government spending? I don't know what it's all about. I don't know
21319 any more about this thing than an economist does, and, God knows, he
21324 There is an exception to all laws.
21326 Governor Tarkin. I should have expected to find you holding Vader's
21327 leash. I thought I recognized your foul stench when I was brought on
21329 -- Princess Leia Organa
21332 2 is not equal to 3 -- not even for large values of 2.
21334 Graduate life -- it's not just a job, it's an indenture.
21336 Graduate life: It's not just a job. It's an indenture.
21338 Graduate students and most professors are
21339 no smarter than undergrads. They're just older.
21341 Grand Master Turing once dreamed that he was a machine. When he awoke
21343 "I don't know whether I am Turing dreaming that I am a machine,
21344 or a machine dreaming that I am Turing!"
21345 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
21347 Grandpa Charnock's Law:
21348 You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
21350 Grandpa Charnock's Law:
21351 You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
21353 [I thought it was when your kids learned to drive. Ed.]
21355 Graphics blind the eyes.
21356 Audio files deafen the ear.
21357 Mouse clicks numb the fingers.
21358 Heuristics weaken the mind.
21359 Options wither the heart.
21361 The Guru observes the net
21362 but trusts his inner vision.
21363 He allows things to come and go.
21364 His heart is as open as the ether.
21367 A creature that can leap to tremendous heights... once.
21369 Gratitude, like love, is never a dependable international emotion.
21373 What you get when you eat too much and too fast.
21375 Gravity brings me down.
21377 Gravity is a myth, the Earth sucks.
21379 Gray's Law of Programming:
21380 `_
\bn+1' trivial tasks are expected to be accomplished in the same
21381 time as `_
\bn' tasks.
21383 Logg's Rebuttal to Gray's Law:
21384 `_
\bn+1' trivial tasks take twice as long as `_
\bn' trivial tasks.
21386 Great acts are made up of small deeds.
21389 Great American Axiom:
21390 Some is good, more is better, too much is just right.
21392 Great minds run in great circles.
21394 GREAT MOMENTS IN AMERICAN HISTORY (#17):
21396 On November 13, Felix Unger was asked to remove himself from his
21397 place of residence.
21399 GREAT MOMENTS IN HISTORY (#7): April 2, 1751
21401 Isaac Newton becomes discouraged when he falls up a flight of stairs.
21403 GREAT MOMENTS IN HISTORY (#7): November 23, 1915
21405 Pancake make-up is invented; most people continue to prefer syrup.
21407 Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds.
21410 They laughed at Einstein. They laughed at the Wright Brothers. But they
21411 also laughed at Bozo the Clown.
21414 Greatness is a transitory experience. It is never consistent.
21416 Green light in A.M. for new projects.
21417 Red light in P.M. for traffic tickets.
21420 Never argue with a man who buys ink by the barrel.
21422 Green's Law of Debate:
21423 Anything is possible if you don't know what you're talking about.
21426 Eighty percent of all people consider themselves to be above
21429 grep me no patterns and I'll tell you no lines.
21431 Grief can take care of itself; but to get the full
21432 value of a joy you must have somebody to divide it with.
21436 When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last.
21438 Grig (the navigator):
21439 ... so you see, it's just the two of us against the entire space
21443 Grig: I've always wanted to fight a desperate battle against
21445 Alex: It'll be a slaughter!
21446 Grig: That's the spirit!
21447 -- The Last Starfighter
21449 Grinnell's Law of Labor Laxity:
21450 At all times, for any task, you have not got enough done today.
21452 Groundhog Day has been observed only once in Los Angeles because when the
21453 groundhog came out of its hole, it was killed by a mudslide.
21456 Grover Cleveland, though constantly at loggerheads with the Senate, got on
21457 better with the House of Representatives. A popular story circulating
21458 during his presidency concerned the night he was roused by his wife crying,
21459 "Wake up! I think there are burglars in the house."
21460 "No, no, my dear," said the president sleepily, "in the Senate
21461 maybe, but not in the House."
21463 Growing old isn't bad when you consider the alternatives.
21464 -- Maurice Chevalier
21466 Grownups are reluctant to take science fiction seriously, and with good
21467 reason: sci-fi is a hormonal activity, not a literary one. Its traditional
21468 concerns are all pubescent. Secondary sexual characteristics are everywhere,
21469 disguised. Aliens have tentacles. Telepathy allows you to have sex without
21470 any nasty inconvenience of touching. Womblike spaceships provide balanced
21471 meals. No one ever has to grow old -- body parts are replaceable, like
21472 Job's daughters, and if you're lucky you can become a robot. As for the
21473 adult world, it's simply not there; political systems tend to be naively
21474 authoritarian (there are more lords in science fiction than on public
21475 television) and are often ruled by young boys on quests. The most popular
21476 sci-fi book in years, Frank Herbert's Dune, sold millions of copies by
21477 combining all these themes: it ends with its adolescent hero conquering the
21478 universe while straddling a giant worm.
21481 Grub first, then ethics.
21485 A French chopping center.
21488 The probability of a given event
21489 occurring is inversely proportional to its desirability.
21491 Guns don't kill people. Bullets kill people.
21493 Gunter's Airborne Discoveries:
21494 (1) When you are served a meal aboard an aircraft,
21495 the aircraft will encounter turbulence.
21496 (2) The strength of the turbulence
21497 is directly proportional to the temperature of your coffee.
21500 The red warning flag at the top of a club sandwich which prevents
21501 the person from biting into it and puncturing the roof of his mouth.
21502 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
21505 The red warning flag at the top of a club sandwich which
21506 prevents the person from biting into it and puncturing the roof of his
21508 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
21511 A person in T-shirt and sandals who took an elevator ride with
21512 a senior vice-president and is ultimately responsible for the
21513 phone call you are about to receive from your boss.
21516 A computer owner who can read the manual.
21519 A wheel or disk mounted to spin rapidly about an axis and also
21520 free to rotate about one or both of two axes perpendicular to each
21521 other and the axis of spin so that a rotation of one of the two
21522 mutually perpendicular axes results from application of torque to the
21523 other when the wheel is spinning and so that the entire apparatus
21524 offers considerable opposition depending on the angular momentum to any
21525 torque that would change the direction of the axis of spin.
21526 -- Webster's Seventh New Collegiate Dictionary
21528 H: If a 'GOBLIN (HOB) waylays you,
21529 Slice him up before he slays you.
21530 Nothing makes you look a slob
21531 Like running from a HOB'LIN (GOB).
21532 -- The Roguelet's ABC
21534 H. L. Mencken suffers from the hallucination that he is H. L.
21535 Mencken -- there is no cure for a disease of that magnitude.
21536 -- Maxwell Bodenheim
21538 H. L. Mencken's Law:
21539 Those who can -- do.
21540 Those who can't -- teach.
21542 Martin's Extension:
21543 Those who cannot teach -- administrate.
21545 H. L. Mencken's Law:
21546 Those who can -- do.
21547 Those who can't -- teach.
21549 Martin's Extension:
21550 Those who cannot teach -- administrate.
21552 [No, those who can't teach, teach here. Ed.]
21555 Originally, any person with a knack for coercing stubborn inanimate
21556 things; hence, a person with a happy knack, later contracted by the mythical
21557 philosopher Frisbee Frobenius to the common usage, "hack".
21558 In olden times, upon completion of some particularly atrocious body
21559 of coding that happened to work well, culpable programmers would gather in
21560 a small circle around a first edition of Knuth's Best Volume I by candlelight,
21561 and proceed to get very drunk while sporadically rending the following ditty:
21563 Hacker's Fight Song
21565 He's a Hack! He's a Hack!
21566 He's a guy with the happy knack!
21567 Never bungles, never shirks,
21568 Always gets his stuff to work!
21570 All take a drink (important!)
21572 Hackers are just a migratory lifeform with a tropism for computers.
21574 Hacker's Guide To Cooking:
21575 2 pkg. cream cheese (the mushy white stuff in silver wrappings that doesn't
21576 really come from Philadelphia after all; anyway, about 16 oz.)
21577 1 tsp. vanilla extract (which is more alcohol than vanilla and pretty
21578 strong so this part you *GOTTA* measure)
21579 1/4 cup sugar (but honey works fine too)
21580 8 oz. Cool Whip (the fluffy stuff devoid of nutritional value that you
21581 can squirt all over your friends and lick off...)
21582 "Blend all together until creamy with no lumps." This is where you get to
21583 join(1) all the raw data in a big buffer and then filter it through
21584 merge(1m) with the -thick option, I mean, it starts out ultra lumpy
21585 and icky looking and you have to work hard to mix it. Try an electric
21586 beater if you have a cat(1) that can climb wall(1s) to lick it off
21588 "Pour into a graham cracker crust..." Aha, the BUGS section at last. You
21589 just happened to have a GCC sitting around under /etc/food, right?
21590 If not, don't panic(8), merely crumble a rand(3m) handful of innocent
21591 GCs into a suitable tempfile and mix in some melted butter.
21592 "...and refrigerate for an hour." Leave the recipe's stdout in a fridge
21593 for 3.6E6 milliseconds while you work on cleaning up stderr, and
21594 by time out your cheesecake will be ready for stdin.
21597 The belief that enhanced understanding will necessarily stir a
21598 nation to action is one of mankind's oldest illusions.
21600 Hackers of the world, unite!
21602 Hacker's Quicky #313:
21603 Sour Cream -n- Onion Potato Chips
21607 Hacking's just another word for nothing left to kludge.
21609 "Had he and I but met
21610 By some old ancient inn, But ranged as infantry,
21611 We should have sat us down to wet And staring face to face,
21612 Right many a nipperkin! I shot at him as he at me,
21613 And killed him in his place.
21614 I shot him dead because --
21615 Because he was my foe, He thought he'd 'list, perhaps,
21616 Just so: my foe of course he was; Off-hand-like -- just as I --
21617 That's clear enough; although Was out of work -- had sold his traps
21618 No other reason why.
21619 Yes; quaint and curious war is!
21620 You shoot a fellow down
21621 You'd treat, if met where any bar is
21622 Or help to half-a-crown."
21625 Had I been present at the creation, I would have given some
21626 useful hints for the better ordering of the universe.
21627 -- Alfonso the Wise
21629 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
21630 referring to operating system initialization.]
21632 Hail to the sun god
21633 He sure is a fun god
21636 Hail to the sun god
21637 He's such a fun god
21640 Hailing frequencies open, Captain.
21642 Hain't we got all the fools in town on our side? And hain't that a big
21643 enough majority in any town?
21644 -- Mark Twain, "Huckleberry Finn"
21646 Hale Mail Rule, The:
21647 When you are ready to reply to a letter, you will lack at least
21648 one of the following:
21649 (a) A pen or pencil or typewriter.
21652 (d) The letter you are answering.
21654 Half a bee, philosophically, must ipso facto half not be.
21655 But half the bee has got to be, vis-a-vis its entity. See?
21656 But can a bee be said to be or not to be an entire bee,
21657 When half the bee is not a bee, due to some ancient injury?
21659 Half Moon tonight. (At least it's better than no Moon at all.)
21661 Half of being smart is knowing what you're dumb at.
21663 Half the world is composed of people who have something to say and can't,
21664 and the other half who have nothing to say and keep on saying it.
21667 This is the best way to eat a kosher dill -- when it's still
21668 crunchy, light green, yet full of garlic flavor. The difference
21669 between this and the typical soggy dark green cucumber corpse is like
21670 the difference between life and death.
21671 You may find it difficult to find a good half-done kosher dill
21672 there in Seattle, so what you should do is take a cab out to the
21673 airport, fly to New York, take the JFK Express to Jay Street-Borough
21674 Hall, transfer to an uptown F, get off at East Broadway, walk north on
21675 Essex (along the park), make your first left onto Hester Street, walk
21676 about fifteen steps, turn ninety degrees left, and stop. Say to the
21677 man, "Let me have a nice half-done."
21678 Worth the trouble, wasn't it?
21679 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
21681 Halley's Comet: It came, we saw, we drank.
21683 Hall's Laws of Politics:
21684 (1) The voters want fewer taxes and more spending.
21685 (2) Citizens want honest politicians until they want something
21687 (3) Constituency drives out consistency (i.e., liberals defend
21688 military spending, and conservatives social spending in
21689 their own districts).
21692 A singular instrument worn at the end of a human arm and
21693 commonly thrust into somebody's pocket.
21694 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
21697 You can't produce a baby in one month by impregnating 9 women!
21699 handshaking protocol, n:
21700 A process employed by hostile hardware devices to initiate a
21701 terse but civil dialogue, which, in turn, is characterized by
21702 occasional misunderstanding, sulking, and name-calling.
21704 Hanging on in quiet desperation is the English way.
21708 The wrath of grapes.
21711 Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by
21714 Hanson's Treatment of Time:
21715 There are never enough hours in a day, but always too many days
21718 Happiness adds and multiplies as we divide it with others.
21721 An agreeable sensation arising
21722 from contemplating the misery of another.
21725 Finding the owner of a lost bikini.
21727 Happiness is a hard disk.
21729 Happiness is a positive cash flow.
21731 Happiness is good health and a bad memory.
21734 Happiness is having a scratch for every itch.
21737 Happiness is just an illusion, filled with sadness and confusion.
21739 Happiness is the greatest good.
21741 Happiness is twin floppies.
21743 Happiness isn't having what you want, it's wanting what you have.
21745 Happiness isn't something you experience; it's something you remember.
21748 Happiness makes up in height what it lacks in length.
21751 An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of
21753 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
21755 Happy feast of the pig!
21757 Happy is the child whose father died rich.
21760 The quality of your own data; also how it is to believe those
21763 Hard reality has a way of cramping your style.
21766 Hard work may not kill you, but why take chances?
21768 Hard work may not kill you, but why take the chance?
21770 Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?
21771 -- Charlie McCarthy
21773 Hardware met Software on the road to Changtse. Software said: "You are Yin
21774 and I am Yang. If we travel together we will become famous and earn vast
21775 sums of money." And so the set forth together, thinking to conquer the world.
21776 Presently they met Firmware, who was dressed in tattered rage and
21777 hobbled along propped on a thorny stick. Firmware said to them: "The Tao
21778 lies beyond Yin and Yang. It is silent and still as a pool of water. It does
21779 not seek fame, therefore nobody knows its presence. It does not seek fortune,
21780 for it is complete within itself. It exists beyond space and time."
21781 Software and Hardware, ashamed, returned to their homes.
21784 The parts of a computer system that can be kicked.
21786 Hark, Hark, the dogs do bark
21787 The Duke is fond of kittens
21788 He likes to take their insides out
21789 And use them for his mittens
21792 Hark, the Herald Tribune sings,
21793 Advertising wondrous things.
21796 Hark, the Herald Tribune sings,
21797 Advertising wondrous things.
21799 Angels we have heard on High
21800 Tell us to go out and Buy.
21803 Hark ye, Clinker, you are a most notorious offender. You stand
21804 convicted of sickness, hunger, wretchedness, and want.
21807 Harp not on that string.
21808 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
21810 Harriet's Dining Observation:
21811 In every restaurant, the hardness of the butter pats
21812 increases in direct proportion to the softness of the bread.
21814 Harris had the beefstead pie between his knees, and was carving it, and George
21815 and I were waiting with our plates ready.
21816 "Have you got a spoon there?" says Harris; "I want a spoon to help
21818 The hamper was close behind us, and George and I both turned round to
21819 reach one out. We were not five seconds getting it. When we looked round
21820 again, Harris and the pie were gone!
21821 It was a wide, open field. There was not a tree or a bit of hedge for
21822 hundreds of yards. He could not have tumbled into the river, because we were
21823 on the water side of him, and he would have had to climb over us to do it.
21824 George and I gazed all about. Then we gazed at each other.
21825 "Has he been snatched up to heaven?" I queried.
21826 "They'd hardly have taken the pie, too," said George.
21827 There seemed weight in this objection, and we discarded the heavenly
21829 "I suppose the truth of the matter is," suggested George, descending
21830 to the commonplace and practicable, "that there has been an earthquake."
21831 And then he added, with a touch of sadness in his voice: "I wish he
21832 hadn't been carving that pie."
21833 -- Jerome K. Jerome, "Three Men In A Boat"
21835 Harrisberger's Fourth Law of the Lab:
21836 Experience is directly proportional to the amount of equipment
21839 Harrison's Postulate:
21840 For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
21843 All the good ones are taken.
21845 Harry and Fred were playing their Sunday afternoon golf game. The game, as
21846 always, was close. They were at the treacherous 12th hole: a par three that
21847 required a perfect first shot over a large pond and onto a tiny green. There
21848 were sand traps on the other three sides of the green, and a small road 50
21849 feet beyond it. Harry went first. He carefully addressed the ball and hit
21850 a good shot that landed just on the edge of the green, narrowly avoiding the
21851 pond. Just as Fred addressed his ball, he looked up and noticed a funeral
21852 procession along the road just behind the green. Fred put down his club,
21853 took his hat off, and waited for the entire procession to pass. As soon as
21854 the cars were gone he put his hat back on and started addressing the ball
21855 again. Harry said, "Damn, Fred. That was a really nice thing you did,
21856 waiting for the funeral to pass like that."
21857 Fred finished his swing, making perfect contact with the ball. It
21858 was an excellent shot that landed 7 feet from the hole. "It's the least I
21859 could do," he said, smiling at his shot, "We were married for 22 years,
21862 Harry is heavily into camping, and every year in the late fall, he makes us
21863 all go to Assateague, which is an island on the Atlantic Ocean famous for
21864 its wild horses. I realize that the concept of wild horses probably stirs
21865 romantic notions in many of you, but this is because you have never met any
21866 wild horses in person. In person, they are like enormous hooved rats. They
21867 amble up to your camp site, and their attitude is: "We're wild horses.
21868 We're going to eat your food, knock down your tent and poop on your shoes.
21869 We're protected by federal law, just like Richard Nixon."
21872 Harry is heavily into camping, and every year in the late fall, he
21873 makes us all go to Assateague, which is an island on the Atlantic Ocean
21874 famous for its wild horses. I realize that the concept of wild horses
21875 probably stirs romantic notions in many of you, but this is because you
21876 have never met any wild horses in person. In person, they are like
21877 enormous hooved rats. They amble up to your camp site, and their
21878 attitude is: "We're wild horses. We're going to eat your food, knock
21879 down your tent and poop on your shoes. We're protected by federal law,
21880 just like Richard Nixon."
21881 -- Dave Barry, "Tenting Grandpa Bob"
21883 Harry's bar has a new cocktail. It's called MRS punch. They make it with
21884 milk, rum and sugar and it's wonderful. The milk is for vitality and the
21885 sugar is for pep. They put in the rum so that people will know what to do
21886 with all that pep and vitality.
21888 Hartley's First Law:
21889 You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to float
21890 on his back, you've got something.
21892 Hartley's Second Law:
21893 Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
21895 Hartley's Second Law:
21896 Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
21899 The completely psychotic have all the fun.
21902 Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure,
21903 temperature, volume, humidity, and other variables, the organism will
21904 do as it damn well pleases.
21908 Sophomore Dave Strewzinski... likes to pass. And pass he does, with
21909 a record 86 attempts (three completions) in 87 plays.... Though Strewzinski
21910 has so far failed to score any points for the Crimson, his jackrabbit speed
21911 has made him the least sacked quarterback in the Ivy league.
21913 The other directional signal in Harvard's offensive machine is senior
21914 Phil Yip, who is very fast. Yip is so fast that he has set a record for being
21915 fast. Expect to see Yip elude all pursuers and make it into the endzone five
21916 or six times, his average for a game. Yip, nicknamed "fumblefingers" and "you
21917 asshole" by his teammates, hopes to carry the ball with him at least one of
21921 On the defensive side, Yale boasts the stingiest line in the Ivies.
21922 Primarily responsible are seniors Izzy "Shylock" Bloomberg and Myron
21923 Finklestein, the tightest ends in recent Eli history. Also contributing to
21924 the powerful defense is junior tackle Angus MacWhirter, a Scotsman who rounds
21925 out the offensive ethnic joke. Look for these three to shut down the opening
21927 -- Harvard Lampoon 1988 Program Parody, distributed at The Game
21929 Has anyone ever tasted an "end"? Are they really bitter?
21931 "Has anyone had problems with the computer accounts?"
21932 "Yes, I don't have one."
21933 "Okay, you can send mail to one of the tutors ..."
21934 -- E. D'Azevedo, Computer Science 372
21936 Has everyone noticed that all the letters of the word "database" are
21937 typed with the left hand? Now the layout of the QWERTYUIOP typewriter
21938 keyboard was designed, among other things, to facilitate the even use
21939 of both hands. It follows, therefore, that writing about databases is
21940 not only unnatural, but a lot harder than it appears.
21942 Has the great art and mystery of politics no apparent utility? Does it
21943 appear to be unqualifiedly ratty, raffish, sordid, obscene and low down,
21944 and its salient virtuosi a gang of unmitigated scoundrels? Then let us
21945 not forget its high capacity to soothe and tickle the midriff, its
21946 incomparable services as a maker of entertainment.
21947 -- H. L. Mencken, "A Carnival of Buncombe"
21953 "Goodness! What lovely diamonds!"
21955 "Goodness had nothin' to do with it, dearie."
21956 -- "Night After Night", 1932
21958 Hate is like acid. It can damage the vessel in which it is
21959 stored as well as destroy the object on which it is poured.
21961 Hate the sin and love the sinner.
21964 Hating the Yankees is as American as pizza pie,
21965 unwed mothers and cheating on your income tax.
21969 A sentiment appropriate to the occasion of another's superiority.
21972 A sentiment appropriate to the occasion of another's
21974 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
21976 Have a coke and a smile!
21981 Have a nice diurnal anomaly.
21983 Have a place for everything and keep the thing
21984 somewhere else; this is not advice, it is merely custom.
21990 Have an adequate day.
21994 Have no friends not equal to yourself.
21997 Have people realized that the purpose of the fortune cookie program is
21998 to defuse project tensions? When did you ever see a cheerful cookie, a
21999 non-cynical, or even an informative cookie?
22001 Perhaps inadvertently, we have a channel for our aggressions. This
22002 still begs the question of whether the cookie releases the pressure or
22003 only serves to blunt the warning signs.
22005 Long live the revolution!
22008 Have the courage to take your own thoughts
22009 seriously, for they will shape you.
22012 Have you ever felt like a wounded cow
22013 halfway between an oven and a pasture?
22014 walking in a trance toward a pregnant
22015 seventeen-year-old housewife's
22016 two-day-old cookbook?
22017 -- Richard Brautigan
22019 Have you ever met a man of good character where women are concerned?
22021 Well, I haven't. I find that whenever a woman becomes friends with me,
22022 she becomes jealous, exacting, suspicious, and a damn nuisance; and
22023 whenever I become friends with a woman, I become selfish and tyrannical.
22024 So here I am, Pickering, a confirmed old bachelor and very likely to
22026 -- Henry Higgins, "My Fair Lady"
22028 Have you ever noticed that the people who are always trying to tell
22029 you, "There's a time for work and a time for play," never find the time
22032 Have you ever wondered what makes Californians so calm? Besides drugs,
22033 I mean. The answer is hot tubs. A hot tub is a redwood container
22034 filled with water that you sit in naked with members of the opposite
22035 sex, none of whom is necessarily your spouse. After a few hours in
22036 their hot tubs, Californians don't give a damn about earthquakes or
22037 mass murderers. They don't give a damn about anything, which is why
22038 they are able to produce "Laverne and Shirley" week after week.
22039 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
22041 Have you flogged your kid today?
22043 "Have you lived here all your life?"
22044 "Oh, twice that long."
22046 Have you locked your file cabinet?
22048 Have you noticed that all you need to grow healthy, vigorous grass is a
22049 crack in your sidewalk?
22051 Have you noticed the way people's intelligence capabilities decline
22052 sharply the minute they start waving guns around?
22055 Have you reconsidered a computer career?
22057 Have you seen the latest Japanese camera? Apparently it is so fast it can
22058 photograph an American with his mouth shut!
22060 Have you seen the old man in the closed down market,
22061 Kicking up the papers in his worn out shoes?
22062 In his eyes you see no pride, hands hang loosely at his side
22063 Yesterdays papers, telling yesterdays news.
22065 How can you tell me you're lonely,
22066 And say for you the sun don't shine?
22067 Let me take you by the hand
22068 Lead you through the streets of London
22069 I'll show you something to make you change your mind...
22071 Have you seen the old man outside the sea-mans mission
22072 Memories fading like the metal ribbons that he wears.
22073 In our winter city the rain cries a little pity
22074 For one more forgotten hero and a world that doesn't care...
22076 Have you seen the well-to-do, up and down Park Avenue?
22077 On that famous thoroughfare, with their noses in the air,
22078 High hats and Arrow collars, white spats and lots of dollars,
22079 Spending every dime, for a wonderful time...
22080 If you're blue and you don't know where to go to,
22081 Why don't you go where fashion sits,
22083 Dressed up like a million dollar trooper,
22084 Trying hard to look like Gary Cooper, (super dooper)
22085 Come, let's mix where Rockefeller's walk with sticks,
22086 Or umbrellas, in their mitts,
22087 Puttin' on the Ritz.
22089 If you're blue and you don't know where to go to,
22090 Why don't you go where fashion sits,
22091 Puttin' on the Ritz.
22092 Puttin' on the Ritz.
22093 Puttin' on the Ritz.
22094 Puttin' on the Ritz.
22096 Having a baby isn't so bad. If you're a female Emperor penguin
22097 in the Antarctic. She lays the egg, rolls it over to the father,
22098 then takes off for warmer weather where she eats and eats and
22099 eats. For two months, the father stands stiff, without food,
22100 blind in the 24-hour dark, balancing the egg on his feet. After
22101 the little penguin is hatched, the mother sees fit to come home.
22102 -- L. M. Boyd, "Austin American-Statesman"
22104 Having a wonderful wine, wish you were beer.
22106 Having children is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.
22109 Having no talent is no longer enough.
22112 Having nothing, nothing can he lose.
22113 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
22115 Having the fewest wants, I am nearest to the gods.
22118 Having wandered helplessly into a blinding snowstorm Sam was greatly
22119 relieved to see a sturdy Saint Bernard dog bounding toward him with
22120 the traditional keg of brandy strapped to his collar.
22121 "At last," cried Sam, "man's best friend -- and a great big
22124 "Hawk, we're going to die."
22125 "Never say die... and certainly never say we."
22128 Hawkeye's Conclusion:
22129 It's not easy to play the clown
22130 when you've got to run the whole circus.
22132 He: Do you like Kipling?
22133 She: Oh, you naughty boy, I don't know! I've never kippled!
22135 He: "If I made love to you, would you yell?"
22136 She: "What do you want me to yell?"
22139 HE: Let's end it all, bequeathin' our brains to science.
22140 SHE: What?!? Science got enough trouble with their OWN brains.
22143 HE: Let's end it all, bequeathin' our brains to science.
22144 SHE: What?!? Science got enough trouble with their ___
\b\b\bOWN brains.
22147 He asked me if I knew what time it was -- I said yes, but not right now.
22150 "He did decide, though, that with more time and a great deal of mental
22151 effort, he could probably turn the activity into an acceptable
22153 -- Mick Farren, "When Gravity Fails"
22155 He didn't run for reelection. "Politics brings you into contact with all
22156 the people you'd give anything to avoid," he said. "I'm staying home."
22157 -- Garrison Keillor, "Lake Wobegon Days"
22159 He does it with a better grace, but I do it more natural.
22160 -- William Shakespeare, "Twelfth-Night"
22162 He draweth out the thread of his verbosity
22163 finer than the staple of his argument.
22164 -- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost"
22166 He flung himself on his horse and rode madly off in all directions.
22169 He gave her a look that you could have poured on a waffle.
22171 He had occasional flashes of silence that made his conversation
22172 perfectly delightful.
22175 He had that rare weird electricity about him -- that extremely wild and
22176 heavy presence that you only see in a person who has abandoned all hope
22177 of ever behaving "normally."
22178 -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing '72"
22180 He hadn't a single redeeming vice.
22183 He has been known by many names; the Prince of Lies, the Director, Lucifer,
22184 Belial, and once, at a party, some obnoxious drunk kept calling him "Dude".
22187 He has not acquired a fortune; the fortune has acquired him.
22190 He hath eaten me out of house and home.
22191 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV"
22193 He heard the snick of a rifle bolt and found himself peering down the muzzle
22194 of a weapon held by a drunken liquor store owner -- "There's a conflict," he
22195 said, "there's a conflict between land and people... the people have to go..."
22196 -- Stan Ridgeway, "Call of the West"
22198 He is a man capable of turning any colour into grey.
22201 He is considered a most graceful speaker
22202 who can say nothing in the most words.
22204 He is no lawyer who cannot take two sides.
22206 He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others.
22209 He is now rising from affluence to poverty.
22212 He is the best of men who dislikes power.
22215 He is truly wise who gains wisdom from another's mishap.
22217 He jests at scars who never felt a wound.
22218 -- William Shakespeare, "Romeo and Juliet, II. 2"
22220 He keeps differentiating, flying off on a tangent.
22222 He knew the tavernes well in every toun.
22223 -- Geoffrey Chaucer
22225 He knows not how to know who knows not also how to unknow.
22226 -- Sir Richard Burton
22228 He laughs at every joke three times... once when it's told,
22229 once when it's explained, and once when he understands it.
22231 He looked at me as if I was a side dish he hadn't ordered.
22233 He looked at me as if I were a side dish he hadn't ordered.
22236 He missed an invaluable opportunity to hold his tongue.
22239 He only knew his iron spine held up the sky -- he didn't realize his brain
22240 had fallen to the ground.
22241 -- The Book of Serenity
22243 (He opens a tolm and begins.)
22245 It says: "In the beginning was the Word."
22246 Already I am stopped. It seems absurd.
22247 The Word does not deserve the highest prize,
22248 I must translate it otherwise.
22249 If I am well inspired and not blind.
22250 It says: "In the beginning was the Mind."
22251 Ponder that first line, wait and see,
22252 Lest you should write too hastily.
22253 Is the Mind the all-creating source?
22254 It ought to say: "In the beginning there was Force."
22255 Yet something warns me as I grasp the pen,
22256 That my translation must be changed again.
22257 The spirit helps me. Now it is exact.
22258 I write: "In the beginning was the Act."
22259 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe, "Faust"
22261 [He] played the King as if afraid someone else might play the ace.
22262 -- Unattributed review of a performance of King Lear
22264 My tears stuck in their little ducts, refusing to be jerked.
22265 -- Peter Stack, movie review
22267 His performance is so wooden you want to spray him with Liquid Pledge.
22268 -- John Stark, movie review
22270 He played the king as if afraid someone else would play the ace.
22271 -- John Mason Brown, drama critic
22273 He tells you when you've got on too much lipstick,
22274 And helps you with your girdle when your hips stick.
22275 -- Ogden Nash, on the perfect husband
22277 He that breaks a thing to find out what it is has left the path of wisdom.
22278 -- J. R. R. Tolkien
22280 He that bringeth a present, findeth the door open.
22281 -- Scottish proverb
22283 He that composes himself is wiser than he that composes a book.
22284 -- Benjamin Franklin
22286 He that is giddy thinks the world turns round.
22287 -- William Shakespeare, "The Taming of the Shrew"
22289 He that teaches himself has a fool for a master.
22290 -- Benjamin Franklin
22292 He that would govern others, first should be the master of himself.
22294 He thinks by infection, catching an opinion like a cold.
22296 He thinks the Gettysburg Address is where Lincoln lived.
22297 -- Wanda, "A Fish Called Wanda"
22299 He thought he saw an albatross
22300 That fluttered 'round the lamp.
22301 He looked again and saw it was
22302 A penny postage stamp.
22303 "You'd best be getting home," he said,
22304 "The nights are rather damp."
22306 He thought of Musashi, the Sword Saint, standing in his garden more than
22307 three hundred years ago. "What is the 'Body of a rock'?" he was asked.
22308 In answer, Musashi summoned a pupil of his and bid him kill himself by
22309 slashing his abdomen with a knife. Just as the pupil was about to comply,
22310 the Master stayed his hand, saying, "That is the 'Body of a rock'."
22311 -- Eric Van Lustbader
22313 [He] took me into his library and showed me his books, of which he had
22317 He walks as if balancing the family tree on his nose.
22319 He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he
22320 made a woman out of dirt and married her. But when he kissed her, she
22321 disintegrated. Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said, "Dust to
22322 dust," some people laughed, and the cowboy shot them. At his hanging, he
22323 told the others, "I'll be waiting for you in heaven -- with a gun."
22326 He was a fiddler, and consequently a rogue.
22329 "He was a modest, good-humored boy. It was Oxford that made him
22332 He was part of my dream, of course --
22333 but then I was part of his dream too.
22336 "He was so narrow minded he could see through a keyhole with both
22339 He was the sort of person whose personality
22340 would be greatly improved by a terminal illness.
22342 He who always plows a straight furrow is in a rut.
22344 He who attacks the fundamentals of the American broadcasting industry
22345 attacks democracy itself.
22346 -- William S. Paley, chairman of CBS
22348 He who dares the wrong, acts right, that's how it happens!
22349 -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967)
22351 He who despairs over an event is a coward, but he who holds hopes for
22352 the human condition is a fool.
22355 He who despises himself nevertheless esteems himself as a self-despiser.
22356 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
22358 He who enters his wife's dressing room is a philosopher or a fool.
22359 -- Honore de Balzac
22361 He who fears the unknown may one day flee from his own backside.
22364 He who fights and runs away lives to fight another day.
22366 He who foresees calamities suffers them twice over.
22368 He who has a shady past knows that nice guys finish last.
22370 He who has but four and spends five has no need for a wallet.
22372 He who has imagination without learning has wings but no feet.
22374 He who has the courage to laugh is almost as much
22375 a master of the world as he who is ready to die.
22376 -- Giacomo Leopardi
22378 He who hates vices hates mankind.
22380 He who hesitates is a damned fool.
22383 He who hesitates is last.
22385 He who hesitates is sometimes saved.
22387 He who hoots with owls by night cannot soar with eagles by day.
22389 He who invents adages for others to peruse
22390 takes along rowboat when going on cruise.
22392 He who is content with his lot probably has a lot.
22394 He who is flogged by fate and laughs the louder is a masochist.
22396 He who is good for making excuses is seldom good for anything else.
22398 He who is in love with himself has at least this advantage -- he won't
22399 encounter many rivals.
22400 -- Georg Lichtenberg, "Aphorisms"
22402 He who is intoxicated with wine will be sober again in the course of the
22403 night, but he who is intoxicated by the cupbearer will not recover his
22404 senses until the day of judgement.
22407 He who is known as an early riser need not get up until noon.
22409 He who knows, does not speak. He who speaks, does not know.
22412 He who knows not and knows that he knows not is ignorant. Teach him.
22413 He who knows not and knows not that he knows not is a fool. Shun him.
22414 He who knows and knows not that he knows is asleep. Wake him.
22416 He who knows nothing, knows nothing.
22417 But he who knows he knows nothing knows something.
22418 And he who knows someone whose friend's wife's brother knows nothing,
22419 he knows something. Or something like that.
22421 He who knows others is wise.
22422 He who knows himself is enlightened.
22425 He who knows that enough is enough will always have enough.
22428 He who laughs has not yet heard the bad news.
22431 He who laughs last -- missed the punch line.
22433 He who laughs last didn't get the joke.
22435 He who laughs last hasn't been told the terrible truth.
22437 He who laughs last is probably your boss.
22439 He who laughs last probably doesn't understand the joke.
22441 He who laughs last usually had to have joke explained.
22443 He who Laughs, Lasts.
22445 He who lives without folly is less wise than he believes.
22447 He who loses, wins the race,
22448 And parallel lines meet in space.
22449 -- John Boyd, "Last Starship from Earth"
22451 He who makes a beast of himself gets rid of the pain of being a man.
22454 He who minds his own business is never unemployed.
22456 He who renders warfare fatal to all engaged in it will
22457 be the greatest benefactor the world has yet known.
22458 -- Sir Richard Burton
22460 He who slings mud generally loses ground.
22463 He who slings mud loses ground.
22466 He who spends a storm beneath a tree, takes life with a grain of TNT.
22468 He who steps on others to reach the top has good balance.
22470 He who walks on burning coals is sure to get burned.
22473 He who wonders discovers that this in itself is wonder.
22476 He who writes with no misspelled words has prevented a first suspicion
22477 on the limits of his scholarship or, in the social world, of his general
22478 education and culture.
22479 -- Julia Norton McCorkle
22481 HEAD CRASH!! FILES LOST!!
22484 Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
22486 Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying
22491 the absent minded sculptor who put his model to bed and
22492 started chiseling on his wife?
22495 the fellow who, upon being told by his shrewish wife that she
22496 would dance on his grave, promptly provided for a burial at sea?
22499 the female activist who went berserk during a demonstration and
22500 attacked a karate-trained cop with a deadly weapon. She ended
22501 up a chopped libber?
22504 the guru who refused Novocain while having a tooth pulled because
22505 he wanted to transcend dental medication?
22508 the pessimistic historian whose latest book has chapter headings
22509 that read "World War One","World War Two" and "Watch This
22513 the wild office Christmas party in a completely automated
22514 company -- the photocopier got drunk and tried to undo the
22515 typewriter's ribbon?
22517 Hear about the Californian terrorist that tried to blow up a bus?
22518 Burned his lips on the exhaust pipe.
22520 Hear about the young Chinese woman who just won the lottery?
22521 One fortunate cookie...
22523 Hear me, my chiefs, I am tired; my heart is sick and sad.
22524 From where the sun now stands I Will Fight No More Forever.
22525 -- Chief Joseph of the Nez Perce
22527 Heard that the next Space Shuttle is supposed to carry several
22528 Guernsey cows? It's gonna be the herd shot 'round the world.
22530 Hearts will never be practical until they can be made unbreakable.
22531 -- The Wizard of Oz
22533 Heaven and earth were created all together in the same instant,
22534 on October 23rd, 4004 B.C. at nine o'clock in the morning.
22535 -- Dr. John Lightfoot,
22536 Vice-chancellor of Cambridge University
22539 A place where the wicked cease from troubling you with talk of
22540 their personal affairs, and the good listen with attention while you
22542 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
22544 Heavier than air flying machines are impossible.
22545 -- Lord Kelvin, President, Royal Society, c. 1895
22548 Seduced by the chocolate side of the force.
22550 Hedonist for hire... no job too easy!
22552 Heisenberg may have been here.
22554 Heisenberg may have slept here.
22556 Hell hath no fury like a bureaucrat scorned.
22559 Hell hath no limits, nor is circumscribed in one self place,
22560 for where we are is Hell, and where Hell is there must we ever be.
22561 -- Christopher Marlowe, "Doctor Faustus"
22563 Hell, if you don't try to remake someone,
22564 how are they supposed to know you care?
22566 Hell is empty and all the devils are here.
22567 -- William Shakespeare, "The Tempest"
22570 Truth seen too late.
22573 The first myth of management is that it exists.
22575 Johnson's Corollary:
22576 Nobody really knows what is going on anywhere within the
22579 Hello. Jim Rockford's machine, this is Larry Doheny's machine. Will you
22580 please have your master call my master at his convenience? Thank you.
22581 Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
22583 Hello, friend! You say things aren't going too well? You say you have a
22584 date with your favorite girl when it starts raining so hard you can't see?
22585 And you're out on some back road when the car stalls and won't start, so
22586 you set off across the fields, and 50 feet of barbed wire hits you right
22587 smack in the puss? And then there's a big explosion behind you and you
22588 don't hear your girl screaming any more?
22590 Well, take a walk in the sun and hold your head up high!
22591 You'll show the world; you'll tell them where to get off!
22592 You'll never give up, never give up, never give up -- that ship!
22595 -- Don Carpenter, quoting a Hollywood agent
22597 Hell's broken loose.
22600 Help! I'm trapped in a Chinese computer factory!
22602 Help! I'm trapped in a PDP 11/70!
22604 HELP! Man trapped in a human body!
22606 HELP! MY TYPEWRITER IS BROKEN!
22609 Help a swallow land at Capistrano.
22611 Help fight continental drift.
22613 HELP!!!! I'm being held prisoner in /usr/games/lib!
22615 Help me, I'm a prisoner in a Fortune cookie file!
22617 Help stamp out and abolish redundancy.
22619 Help stamp out Mickey-Mouse computer interfaces -- Menus are for Restaurants!
22621 Hempstone's Question:
22622 If you have to travel on the Titanic, why not go first class?
22624 Her days were spent in a kind of slow bustle; always busy without
22625 getting on, always behind hand and lamenting it, without altering
22626 her ways; wishing to be an economist, without contrivance or
22627 regularity; dissatisfied with her servants, without skill to make
22628 them better, and whether helping, or reprimanding, or indulging
22629 them, without any power of engaging their respect.
22632 Her locks an ancient lady gave
22633 Her loving husband's life to save;
22634 And men -- they honored so the dame --
22635 Upon some stars bestowed her name.
22637 But to our modern married fair,
22638 Who'd give their lords to save their hair,
22639 No stellar recognition's given.
22640 There are not stars enough in heaven.
22642 "Here at the Phone Company, we serve all kinds of people; from
22643 Presidents and Kings to the scum of the earth ..."
22645 Here comes the orator, with his flood of words and his drop of reason.
22647 Here I am again right where I know I shouldn't be
22648 I've been caught inside this trap too many times
22649 I must've walked these steps and said these words a
22650 thousand times before
22651 It seems like I know everybody's lines.
22652 -- David Bromberg, "How Late'll You Play 'Til?"
22654 Here I am, fifty-eight, and I still don't know what I want to be when
22658 Here I sit, broken-hearted,
22659 All logged in, but work unstarted.
22660 First net.this and net.that,
22661 And a hot buttered bun for net.fat.
22663 The boss comes by, and I play the game,
22664 Then I turn back to net.flame.
22665 Is there a cure (I need your views),
22666 For someone trapped in net.news?
22668 I need your help, I say 'tween sobs,
22669 'Cause I'll soon be listed in net.jobs.
22671 Here in my heart, I am Helen;
22672 I'm Aspasia and Hero, at least.
22673 I'm Judith, and Jael, and Madame de Sta"
\bel;
22674 I'm Salome, moon of the East.
22676 Here in my soul I am Sappho;
22677 Lady Hamilton am I, as well.
22678 In me R'
\becamier vies with Kitty O'Shea,
22679 With Dido, and Eve, and poor nell.
22681 I'm all of the glamorous ladies
22682 At whose beckoning history shook.
22683 But you are a man, and see only my pan,
22684 So I stay at home with a book.
22687 Here is a simple experiment that will teach you an important electrical
22688 lesson: On a cool, dry day, scuff your feet along a carpet, then reach
22689 your hand into a friend's mouth and touch one of his dental fillings.
22690 Did you notice how your friend twitched violently and cried out in
22691 pain? This teaches us that electricity can be a very powerful force,
22692 but we must never use it to hurt others unless we need to learn an
22693 important electrical lesson.
22695 It also teaches us how an electrical circuit works. When you scuffed
22696 your feet, you picked up batches of "electrons", which are very small
22697 objects that carpet manufacturers weave into carpets so they will
22698 attract dirt. The electrons travel through your bloodstream and
22699 collect in your finger, where they form a spark that leaps to your
22700 friend's filling, then travels down to his feet and back into the
22701 carpet, thus completing the circuit.
22703 Amazing Electronic Fact: If you scuffed your feet long enough without
22704 touching anything, you would build up so many electrons that your
22705 finger would explode! But this is nothing to worry about unless you
22707 -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"
22709 Here is a test to find whether your mission on earth is finished:
22710 if you're alive, it isn't.
22712 HERE LIES LESTER MOORE
22713 SHOT 4 TIMES WITH A .44
22716 -- tombstone, in Tombstone, AZ
22718 Here lies my wife: her let her lie!
22719 Now she's at rest, and so am I.
22720 -- John Dryden, epitaph intended for his wife
22722 Here there by tygers.
22724 HERE'S A GOOD JOKE to do during an earthquake. Straddle a big crack in
22725 the earth and if it opens wider, go, "Whoa! Whoa!" and flap your arms
22726 around as if you're going to fall.
22727 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican", 1988.
22729 "Here's something to think about: How come you never see a headline
22730 like `Psychic Wins Lottery'?"
22734 He who turns the other cheek too far gets it in the neck.
22736 He's been like a father to me,
22737 He's the only DJ you can get after three,
22738 I'm an all-night musician in a rock and roll band,
22739 And why he don't like me I don't understand.
22744 He's got the heart of a little child,
22745 and he keeps it in a jar on his desk.
22747 "He's just a politician trying to save both his faces ..."
22749 He's just like Capistrano, always ready for a few swallows.
22751 He's like a function -- he returns a value, in the form of
22752 his opinion. It's up to you to cast it into a void or not.
22755 He's the kind of guy, that, well, if you were ever in a jam he'd be
22756 there ... with two slices of bread and some chunky peanut butter.
22758 "He's the kind of man for the times that need the kind of man he is ..."
22760 Heuristics are bug ridden by definition. If they didn't have bugs,
22761 then they'd be algorithms.
22763 Hewett's Observation:
22764 The rudeness of a bureaucrat is inversely proportional to his or
22765 her position in the governmental hierarchy and to the number of
22766 peers similarly engaged.
22768 "Hey! Who took the cork off my lunch??!"
22771 Hey, diddle, diddle the overflow pdl
22772 To get a little more stack;
22773 If that's not enough then you lose it all
22774 And have to pop all the way back.
22776 Hey, Jim, it's me, Susie Lillis from the laundromat. You said you were
22777 gonna call and it's been two weeks. What's wrong, you lose my number?
22779 HEY KIDS! ANN LANDERS SAYS:
22780 Be sure it's true, when you say "I love you". It's a sin to
22781 tell a lie. Millions of hearts have been broken, just because
22782 these words were spoken.
22784 "Hey, Sam, how about a loan?"
22787 "Whattaya got for collateral?"
22789 "How about an eye?"
22792 Hey, what do you expect from a culture that
22793 *drives* on *parkways* and *parks* on *driveways*?
22796 Hi! I'm Larry. This is my brother Bob, and this is my other brother
22797 Jimbo. We thought you might like to know the names of your assailants.
22799 Hi! You have reached 962-0129. None of us are here to answer the phone and
22800 the cat doesn't have opposing thumbs, so his messages are illegible. Please
22801 leave your name and message after the beep...
22803 Hi! How are things going?
22804 (just fine, thank you...)
22805 Great! Say, could I bother you for a question?
22806 (you just asked one...)
22807 Well, how about one more?
22808 (one more than the first one?)
22810 (you already asked that...)
22811 [at this point, Alphonso gets smart... ]
22812 May I ask two questions, sir?
22814 May I ask ONE then?
22816 Then may I ask, sir, how I may ask you a question?
22818 Sir, how may I ask you a question?
22819 (you must ask for retroactive question asking privileges for
22820 the number of questions you have asked, then ask for that
22821 number plus two, one for the current question, and one for the
22823 Sir, may I ask nine questions?
22824 (go right ahead...)
22826 Hi, I'm Preston A. Mantis, president of Consumers Retail Law Outlet. As
22827 you can see by my suit and the fact that I have all these books of equal
22828 height on the shelves behind me, I am a trained legal attorney. Do you have
22829 a car or a job? Do you ever walk around? If so, you probably have the
22830 makings of an excellent legal case. Although of course every case is
22831 different, I would definitely say that based on my experience and training,
22832 there's no reason why you shouldn't come out of this thing with at least a
22835 Remember, at the Preston A. Mantis Consumers Retail Law Outlet, our
22836 motto is: 'It is very difficult to disprove certain kinds of pain.'
22839 "Hi, I'm Preston A. Mantis, president of Consumers Retail Law Outlet.
22840 As you can see by my suit and the fact that I have all these books of
22841 equal height on the shelves behind me, I am a trained legal attorney.
22842 Do you have a car or a job? Do you ever walk around? If so, you
22843 probably have the makings of an excellent legal case. Although of
22844 course every case is different, I would definitely say that based on my
22845 experience and training, there's no reason why you shouldn't come out
22846 of this thing with at least a cabin cruiser.
22848 "Remember, at the Preston A. Mantis Consumers Retail Law Outlet, our
22849 motto is: `It is very difficult to disprove certain kinds of pain.'"
22850 -- Dave Barry, "Pain and Suffering"
22852 Hi Jimbo. Dennis. Really appreciate the help on the income tax.
22853 You wanna help on the audit now?
22855 Hi there! This is just a note from me, to you, to tell you, the person
22856 reading this note, that I can't think up any more famous quotes, jokes,
22857 nor bizarre stories, so you may as well go home.
22859 Hickery Dickery Dock,
22860 The mice ran up the clock,
22861 The clock struck one,
22862 The others escaped with minor injuries.
22864 Hideously disfigured by an ancient Indian curse?
22868 Call (511) 338-0959 for an immediate appointment.
22870 Hier liegt ein Mann ganz ohnegleich;
22871 Im Leibe dick, an Suenden reich.
22872 Wir haben ihn ins Grab gesteckt, Here lies a man with sundry flaws
22873 Weil es uns duenkt er sei verreckt. And numerous Sins upon his head;
22874 We buried him today because
22875 As far as we can tell, he's dead.
22876 -- PDQ Bach's epitaph, as requested by his cousin Betty
22877 Sue Bach and written by the local doggerel catcher;
22878 "The Definitive Biography of PDQ Bach", Peter
22881 Higgins: Doolittle, you're either an honest man or a rogue.
22882 Doolittle: A little of both, Guv'nor. Like the rest of us, a
22884 -- Shaw, "Pygmalion"
22888 Ruffled the critics by dropping this bomb:
22889 "Phooey on Freud and his Psychoanalysis --
22890 Oedipus, Shmoedipus, I just loved Mom."
22892 High heels are a device invented by a woman
22893 who was tired of being kissed on the forehead.
22895 High Priest: Armaments Chapter One, verses nine through twenty-seven:
22896 Bro. Maynard: And Saint Attila raised the Holy Hand Grenade up on high
22897 saying, "Oh Lord, Bless us this Holy Hand Grenade, and with it
22898 smash our enemies to tiny bits." And the Lord did grin, and the
22899 people did feast upon the lambs, and stoats, and orangutans, and
22900 breakfast cereals, and lima bean-
22901 High Priest: Skip a bit, brother.
22902 Bro. Maynard: And then the Lord spake, saying: "First, shalt thou take
22903 out the holy pin. Then shalt thou count to three. No more, no less.
22904 *Three* shall be the number of the counting, and the number of the
22905 counting shall be three. *Four* shalt thou not count, and neither
22906 count thou two, excepting that thou then goest on to three. Five is
22907 RIGHT OUT. Once the number three, being the third number be reached,
22908 then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade towards thy foe, who, being
22909 naughty in my sight, shall snuff it. Amen.
22911 -- Monty Python, "The Holy Hand Grenade"
22914 A California innovation composed
22915 of equal parts of silicon and marijuana.
22917 Higher education helps your earning capacity. Ask any college professor.
22919 Hildebrant's Principle:
22920 If you don't know where you are going,
22921 any road will get you there.
22923 Him: "Your skin is so soft. Are you a model?"
22924 Her: "No," [blush] "I'm a cosmetologist."
22925 Him: "Really? That's incredible...
22926 It must be very tough to handle weightlessness."
22929 Hindsight is always 20:20.
22932 Hindsight is an exact science.
22935 An animal (now extinct) which was half horse and half griffin.
22936 The griffin was itself a compound creature, half lion and half eagle.
22937 The hippogriff was actually, therefore, only one quarter eagle, which
22938 is two dollars and fifty cents in gold. The study of zoology is full
22940 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
22942 Hire the morally handicapped.
22944 His designs were strictly honourable, as the phrase is: that is, to rob
22945 a lady of her fortune by way of marriage.
22946 -- Henry Fielding, "Tom Jones"
22948 ...his disciples lead him in; he just does the rest.
22951 "His eyes were cold. As cold as the bitter winter snow that was falling
22952 outside. Yes, cold and therefore difficult to chew..."
22954 His followers called him Mahasamatman and said he was a god. He preferred
22955 to drop the Maha- and the -atman, however, and called himself Sam. He never
22956 claimed to be a god. But then, he never claimed not to be a god. Circum-
22957 stances being what they were, neither admission could be of any benefit.
22958 Silence, though, could. It was in the days of the rains that their prayers
22959 went up, not from the fingering of knotted prayer cords or the spinning of
22960 prayer wheels, but from the great pray-machine in the monastery of Ratri,
22961 goddess of the Night. The high-frequency prayers were directed upward through
22962 the atmosphere and out beyond it, passing into that golden cloud called the
22963 Bridge of the Gods, which circles the entire world, is seen as a bronze
22964 rainbow at night and is the place where the red sun becomes orange at midday.
22965 Some of the monks doubted the orthodoxy of this prayer technique...
22966 -- Roger Zelazny, "Lord of Light"
22968 "His great aim was to escape from civilization, and, as soon as he had
22969 money, he went to Southern California."
22971 His heart was yours from the first moment that you met.
22973 His ideas of first-aid stopped short of squirting soda water.
22976 His life was formal; his actions seemed ruled with a ruler.
22978 His mind is like a steel trap -- full of mice.
22981 His super power is to turn into a scotch terrier.
22983 Historians have now definitely established that Juan Cabrillo, discoverer
22984 of California, was not looking for Kansas, thus setting a precedent that
22985 continues to this day.
22988 History books which contain no lies are extremely dull.
22990 History has much to say on following the proper procedures. From a history
22991 of the Mexican revolution:
22993 "Hildago was later defeated at Guadalajara. The rebel army was
22994 captured on its way through the mountains. All were courtmartialed and
22995 shot, except Hildago, because he was a priest. He was handed over to
22996 the bishop of Durango who excommunicated him and returned him to the
22997 army where he was then executed."
22999 History has the relation to truth that theology has to religion --
23000 i.e. none to speak of.
23003 History is curious stuff
23004 You'd think by now we had enough
23005 Yet the fact remains I fear
23006 They make more of it every year.
23008 History is nothing but a collection of fables and useless trifles,
23009 cluttered up with a mass of unnecessary figures and proper names.
23012 History is on our side (as long as we can control the historians).
23014 History is the version of past events that people have decided to agree on.
23015 -- Napoleon Bonaparte, "Maxims"
23018 Papa Hegel he say that all we learn from history is that we
23019 learn nothing from history. I know people who can't even learn from
23020 what happened this morning. Hegel must have been taking the long
23022 -- Chad C. Mulligan, "The Hipcrime Vocab"
23024 History repeats itself. That's one thing wrong with history.
23026 History repeats itself -- the first time as a tragi-comedy, the second
23027 time as bedroom farce.
23029 History repeats itself only if one does not listen the first time.
23031 History shows that the human mind, fed by constant accessions of knowledge,
23032 periodically grows too large for its theoretical coverings, and bursts them
23033 asunder to appear in new habiliments, as the feeding and growing grub, at
23034 intervals, casts its too narrow skin and assumes another... Truly the imago
23035 state of Man seems to be terribly distant, but every moult is a step gained.
23036 -- Charles Darwin, from "Origin of the Species"
23038 Hit them biscuits with another touch of gravy,
23039 Burn that sausage just a match or two more done.
23040 Pour my black old coffee longer,
23041 While that smell is gettin' stronger
23042 A semi-meal ain't nuthin' much to want.
23044 Loan me ten, I got a feelin' it'll save me,
23045 With an ornery soul who don't shoot pool for fun,
23046 If that coat'll fit you're wearin',
23047 The Lord'll bless your sharin'
23048 A semi-friend ain't nuthin' much to want.
23050 And let me halfway fall in love,
23051 For part of a lonely night,
23052 With a semi-pretty woman in my arms.
23053 Yes, I could halfway fall in deep--
23054 Into a snugglin', lovin' heap,
23055 With a semi-pretty woman in my arms.
23058 Hitchcock's Staple Principle:
23059 The stapler runs out of staples
23060 only while you are trying to staple something.
23062 Hitler used methods against white men in Europe, which by tacit
23063 agreement between the cultural European nations were only to be
23064 used against the coloured.
23065 -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967)
23068 If you have a difficult task, give it to a lazy person -- they
23069 will find an easier way to do it.
23071 Hoaars-Faisse Gallery presents:
23072 An exhibit of works by the artist known only as Pretzel.
23074 The exhibit includes several large conceptual works using non-traditional
23075 media and found objects including old sofa-beds, used mace canisters,
23076 discarded sanitary napkins and parts of freeways. The artist explores
23077 our dehumanization due to high technology and unresponsive governmental
23078 structures in a post-industrial world. She/he (the artist prefers to
23079 remain without gender) strives to create dialogue between viewer and
23080 creator, to aid us in our quest to experience contemporary life with its
23081 inner-city tensions, homelessness, global warming and gender and
23082 class-based stress. The works are arranged to lead us to the essence of
23083 the argument: that the alienation of the person/machine boundary has
23084 sapped the strength of our voices and must be destroyed for society to
23085 exist in a more fundamental sense.
23087 Hoare's Law of Large Problems:
23088 Inside every large problem is a small problem struggling to get
23091 Hodie natus est radici frater.
23093 Hoffer's Discovery:
23094 The grand act of a dying institution is to issue a newly
23095 revised, enlarged edition of the policies and procedures manual.
23098 It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take
23099 Hofstadter's Law into account.
23101 HOGAN'S HEROES DRINKING GAME --
23102 Take a shot every time:
23104 -- Sergeant Schultz says, "I knoooooowww nooooothing!"
23105 -- General Burkhalter or Major Hochstetter intimidate/insult Colonel Klink.
23106 -- Colonel Klink falls for Colonel Hogan's flattery.
23107 -- One of the prisoners sneaks out of camp (one shot for each prisoner to go).
23108 -- Colonel Klink snaps to attention after answering the phone (two shots
23109 if it's one of our heroes on the other end).
23110 -- One of the Germans is threatened with being sent to the Russian front.
23111 -- Corporal Newkirk calls up a German in his phoney German accent, and
23112 tricks him (two shots if it's Colonel Klink).
23113 -- Hogan has a romantic interlude with a beautiful girl from the underground.
23114 -- Colonel Klink relates how he's never had an escape from Stalag 13.
23115 -- Sergeant Schultz gives up a secret (two shots if he's bribed with food).
23116 -- The prisoners listen to the Germans' conversation by a hidden transmitter.
23117 -- Sergeant Schultz "captures" one of the prisoners after an escape.
23118 -- Lebeau pronounces "colonel" as "cuh-loh-`nell".
23119 -- Carter builds some kind of device (two shots if it's not explosive).
23120 -- Lebeau wears his apron.
23121 -- Hogan says "We've got no choice" when the someone claims that the
23122 plan is impossible.
23123 -- The prisoners capture an important German, and sneak him out the tunnel.
23126 What thou doest when thy phone is on the fritzeth.
23128 Hollywood is where if you don't have happiness you send out for it.
23131 Holy Dilemma! Is this the end for the Caped Crusader and the Boy Wonder?
23132 Will the Joker and the Riddler have the last laugh?
23134 Tune in again tomorrow:
23135 same Bat-time, same Bat-channel!
23139 Home is the place where, when you have to go there,
23140 they have to take you in.
23141 -- Robert Frost, "The Death of the Hired Man"
23143 Home is where the hurt is.
23145 Home life as we understand it is no more natural to us than a
23146 cage is to a cockatoo.
23147 -- George Bernard Shaw
23149 Home of Doberman Propulsion Laboratories:
23150 The ultimate in watchdog weaponry.
23153 Home on the Range was originally written in beef-flat.
23155 "Home, Sweet Home" must surely have been written by a bachelor.
23158 Honesty is for the most part less profitable than dishonesty.
23161 Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense.
23163 Honesty pays, but it doesn't seem to pay enough to suit some people.
23166 Honesty's the best policy.
23167 -- Miguel de Cervantes
23170 A short period of doting between dating and debting.
23173 Honi soit la vache qui rit.
23175 Honk if you hate bumper stickers that say "Honk if ..."
23177 Honk if you love peace and quiet.
23180 Afflicted with an impediment in one's reach. In legislative
23181 bodies, it is customary to mention all members as honorable; as, "the
23182 honorable gentleman is a scurvy cur."
23183 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
23185 Hope is a good breakfast, but it is a bad supper.
23188 Hope is a waking dream.
23191 Hope not, lest ye be disappointed.
23194 Hope that the day after you die is a nice day.
23196 Hoping to goodness is not theologically sound.
23199 Horace's best ode would not please a young woman as much
23200 as the mediocre verses of the young man she is in love with.
23203 Horner's Five Thumb Postulate:
23204 Experience varies directly with equipment ruined.
23206 Horngren's Observation:
23207 Among economists, the real world is often a special case.
23209 Hors d'oeuvres -- a ham sandwich cut into forty pieces.
23212 Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on
23216 Horses are forbidden to eat fire hydrants in Marshalltown, Iowa.
23218 HOST SYSTEM NOT RESPONDING, PROBABLY DOWN. DO YOU WANT TO WAIT? (Y/N)
23220 HOST SYSTEM RESPONDING, PROBABLY UP...
23222 Hotels are tired of getting ripped off. I checked into a hotel and they
23223 had towels from my house.
23226 Houdini escaping from New Jersey!
23229 If you are out of cream for your coffee,
23230 mayonnaise makes a dandy substitute.
23232 Housework can kill you if done right.
23235 Houston, Tranquillity Base here. The Eagle has landed.
23238 How apt the poor are to be proud.
23239 -- William Shakespeare, "Twelfth-Night"
23241 How can you be in two places at once when you're not anywhere at all?
23243 How can you do "New Math" problems with an "Old Math" mind?
23246 How can you govern a nation which has 246 kinds of cheese?
23247 -- Charles de Gaulle
23249 How can you have any pudding if you don't eat your meat?
23252 How can you prove whether at this moment we are sleeping, and all our
23253 thoughts are a dream; or whether we are awake, and talking to one another
23254 in the waking state?
23257 How can you think and hit at the same time?
23260 How can you work when the system's so crowded?
23262 How come everyone's going so slow if it's called rush hour?
23264 How come financial advisors never seem to be as wealthy as they
23265 claim they'll make you?
23267 How come only your friends step on your new white sneakers?
23269 How come we never talk anymore?
23271 How come wrong numbers are never busy?
23273 How comes it to pass, then, that we appear such cowards
23274 in reasoning, and are so afraid to stand the test of ridicule?
23277 How could they think women a recreation?
23278 Or the repetition of bodies of steady interest?
23279 Only the ignorant or the busy could. That elm
23280 of flesh must prove a luxury of primes;
23281 be perilous and dear with rain of an alternate earth.
23282 Which is not to damn the forested China of touching.
23283 I am neither priestly nor tired, and the great knowledge
23284 of breasts with their loud nipples congregates in me.
23285 The sudden nakedness, the small ribs, the mouth.
23286 Splendid. Splendid. Splendid. Like Rome. Like loins.
23287 A glamour sufficient to our long marvelous dying.
23288 I say sufficient and speak with earned privilege,
23289 for my life has been eaten in that foliate city.
23290 To ambergris. But not for recreation.
23291 I would not have lost so much for recreation.
23293 Nor for love as the sweet pretend: the children's game
23294 of deliberate ignorance of each to allow the dreaming.
23295 Not for the impersonal belly nor the heart's drunkenness
23296 have I come this far, stubborn, disastrous way.
23297 But for relish of those archipelagoes of person.
23298 To hold her in hand, closed as any sparrow,
23299 and call and call forever till she turn from bird
23300 to blowing woods. From woods to jungle. Persimmon.
23301 To light. From light to princess. From princess to woman
23302 in all her fresh particularity of difference.
23303 Then oh, through the underwater time of night
23304 indecent and still, to speak to her without habit.
23305 This I have done with my life, and am content.
23306 I wish I could tell you how it is in that dark,
23307 standing in the huge singing and the alien world.
23308 -- Jack Gilbert, "Don Giovanni on his way to Hell"
23310 How do I love thee? My accumulator overflows.
23312 How do you explain school to a higher intelligence?
23315 "How do you know she is a unicorn?" Molly demanded. "And why were you afraid
23316 to let her touch you? I saw you. You were afraid of her."
23317 "I doubt that I will feel like talking for very long," the cat
23318 replied without rancor. "I would not waste time in foolishness if I were
23319 you. As to your first question, no cat out of its first fur can ever be
23320 deceived by appearances. Unlike human beings, who enjoy them. As for your
23321 second question --" Here he faltered, and suddenly became very interested
23322 in washing; nor would he speak until he had licked himself fluffy and then
23323 licked himself smooth again. Even then he would not look at Molly, but
23324 examined his claws.
23325 "If she had touched me," he said very softly, "I would have been
23326 hers and not my own, not ever again."
23327 -- Peter S. Beagle, "The Last Unicorn"
23329 How doth the little crocodile
23330 Improve his shining tail,
23331 And pour the waters of the Nile
23332 On every golden scale!
23334 How cheerfully he seems to grin,
23335 How neatly spreads his claws,
23336 And welcomes little fishes in,
23337 With gently smiling jaws!
23338 -- Lewis Carroll, "Alice in Wonderland"
23340 How doth the VAX's C compiler
23341 Improve its object code.
23342 And even as we speak does it
23343 Increase the system load.
23345 How patiently it seems to run
23346 And spit out error flags,
23347 While users, with frustration, all
23348 Tear their clothes to rags.
23350 How doth the VAX's C-compiler
23351 Improve its object code.
23352 And even as we speak does it
23353 Increase the system load.
23355 How patiently it seems to run
23356 And spit out error flags,
23357 While users, with frustration, all
23358 Tear all their clothes to rags.
23360 How is the world ruled, and how do wars start? Diplomats tell lies to
23361 journalists, and they believe what they read.
23362 -- Karl Kraus, "Aphorisms and More Aphorisms"
23364 How kind of you to be willing to live someone's life for them.
23366 How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you're
23369 How many "coming men" has one known! Where on earth do they all go to?
23370 -- Sir Arthur Wing Pinero
23372 How many hardware engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
23373 None: "We'll fix it in software."
23375 How many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
23376 None: "We'll document it in the manual."
23378 How many tech writers does it take to change a lightbulb?
23379 None: "The user can work it out."
23381 How many hors d'oeuvres you are allowed to take off a tray being carried by
23382 a waiter at a nice party?
23383 Two, but there are ways around it, depending on the style of the hors
23384 d'oeuvre. If they're those little pastry things where you can't tell what's
23385 inside, you take one, bite off about two-thirds of it, then say: "This is
23386 cheese! I hate cheese!" Then you put the rest of it back on the tray and
23387 bite another one and go, "Darn it! Another cheese!" and so on.
23390 "How many hors d'oeuvres you are allowed to take off a tray being
23391 carried by a waiter at a nice party?"
23393 Two, but there are ways around it, depending on the style of the hors
23394 d'oeuvre. If they're those little pastry things where you can't tell
23395 what's inside, you take one, bite off about two-thirds of it, then
23396 say: "This is cheese! I hate cheese!" Then you put the rest of it
23397 back on the tray and bite another one and go, "Darn it! Another
23398 cheese!" and so on.
23399 -- Dave Barry, "The Stuff of Etiquette"
23401 How many priests are needed for a Boston Mass?
23403 How many weeks are there in a light year?
23405 How much does it cost to entice a dope-smoking UNIX system guru to
23407 -- Brian Boyle, UNIX/WORLD's First Annual Salary Survey
23409 How much does she love you?
23410 Less than you'll ever know.
23412 How much for your women? I want to buy your
23413 daughter... how much for the little girl?
23414 -- Jake Blues, "The Blues Brothers"
23416 How much net work could a network work, if a network could net work?
23418 How much of their influence on you is a result of your influence on them?
23420 How often I found where I should be going
23421 only by setting out for somewhere else.
23422 -- R. Buckminster Fuller
23424 How sharper than a hound's tooth it is to have a thankless serpent.
23426 How sharper than a serpent's tooth is a sister's "See?"
23429 How to become a sysop:
23430 I grew a beard, started wearing only t-shirts and jeans, and
23431 developed a surly attitude. The group accepted me, and I've
23432 never worked a full day in my life since then.
23435 How to Raise Your I.Q. by Eating Gifted Children
23436 -- Book title by Lewis B. Frumkes
23438 How untasteful can you get?
23440 How wonderful opera would be if there were no singers.
23442 HOW YOU CAN TELL THAT IT'S GOING TO BE A ROTTEN DAY:
23443 #1040 Your income tax refund cheque bounces.
23445 HOW YOU CAN TELL THAT IT'S GOING TO BE A ROTTEN DAY:
23446 #15 Your pet rock snaps at you.
23448 HOW YOU CAN TELL THAT IT'S GOING TO BE A ROTTEN DAY:
23449 #32: You call your answering service and they've never heard of
23452 How you look depends on where you go.
23455 Everyone has a scheme that will not work.
23457 However, never daunted, I will cope with adversity in my traditional
23458 manner ... sulking and nausea.
23461 However, on religious issues there can be little or no compromise. There
23462 is no position on which people are so immovable as their religious beliefs.
23463 There is no more powerful ally one can claim in a debate than Jesus Christ,
23464 or God, or Allah, or whatever one calls this supreme being. But like any
23465 powerful weapon, the use of God's name on one's behalf should be used
23466 sparingly. The religious factions that are growing throughout our land are
23467 not using their religious clout with wisdom. They are trying to force
23468 government leaders into following their position 100 percent. If you disagree
23469 with these religious groups on a particular moral issue, they complain, they
23470 threaten you with a loss of money or votes or both. I'm frankly sick and
23471 tired of the political preachers across this country telling me as a citizen
23472 that if I want to be a moral person, I must believe in "A," "B," "C," and
23473 "D." Just who do they think they are? And from where do they presume to
23474 claim the right to dictate their moral beliefs to me? And I am even more
23475 angry as a legislator who must endure the threats of every religious group
23476 who thinks it has some God-granted right to control my vote on every roll
23477 call in the Senate. I am warning them today: I will fight them every step
23478 of the way if they try to dictate their moral convictions to all Americans
23479 in the name of "conservatism."
23480 -- Senator Barry Goldwater, Congressional Record
23482 HR 3128. Omnibus Budget Reconciliation, Fiscal 1986. Martin, R-Ill.,
23483 motion that the House recede from its disagreement to the Senate
23484 amendment making changes in the bill to reduce fiscal 1986 deficits.
23485 The Senate amendment was an amendment to the House amendment to the
23486 Senate amendment to the House amendment to the Senate amendment to the
23487 bill. The original Senate amendment was the conference agreement on
23488 the bill. Agreed to.
23489 -- Albuquerque Journal
23492 Don't take life too seriously;
23493 you won't get out of it alive.
23495 Hug me now, you mad, impetuous fool!!
23497 I'm a computer, and you're a person. It would never work out.
23502 Human beings were created by water to transport it uphill.
23504 Human cardiac catheterization was introduced by Werner Forssman in 1929.
23505 Ignoring his department chief, and tying his assistant to an operating
23506 table to prevent her interference, he placed a ureteral catheter into
23507 a vein in his arm, advanced it to the right atrium [of his heart], and
23508 walked upstairs to the x-ray department where he took the confirmatory
23509 x-ray film. In 1956, Dr. Forssman was awarded the Nobel Prize.
23511 Human cardiac catheterization was introduced by Werner Forssman in
23512 1929. Ignoring his department chief, and tying his assistant to an
23513 operating table to prevent his interference, he placed a urethral
23514 catheter into a vein in his arm, advanced it to the right atrium [of
23515 his heart], and walked upstairs to the x-ray department where he took
23516 the confirmatory x-ray film. In 1956, Dr. Forssman was awarded the
23519 Human kind cannot bear very much reality.
23520 -- T. S. Eliot, "Four Quartets: Burnt Norton"
23522 Human resources are human first, and resources second.
23525 Humanity has advanced, when it has advanced, not because it has been sober,
23526 responsible, and cautious, but because it has been playful, rebellious, and
23530 Humans are communications junkies. We just can't get enough.
23533 Humility is the first of the virtues -- for other people.
23534 -- Oliver Wendell Holmes
23536 Hummingbirds never remember the words to songs.
23538 Humor is a drug which it's the fashion to abuse.
23541 Humorists always sit at the children's table.
23544 "Humpf!" Humpfed a voice! "For almost two days you've run wild and insisted on
23545 chatting with persons who've never existed. Such carryings-on in our peaceable
23546 jungle! We've had quite enough of you bellowing bungle! And I'm here to
23547 state," snapped the big kangaroo, "That your silly nonsensical game is all
23548 through!" And the young kangaroo in her pouch said, "Me, too!"
23549 "With the help of the Wickersham Brothers and dozens of Wickersham
23550 Uncles and Wickersham Cousins and Wickersham In-Laws, whose help I've engaged,
23551 You're going to be roped! And you're going to be caged! And, as for your
23552 dust speck... Hah! That we shall boil in a hot steaming kettle of Beezle-But
23554 -- Dr. Seuss "Horton Hears a Who"
23556 Humpty Dumpty sat on the wall,
23557 Humpty Dumpty had a great fall!
23558 All the king's horses,
23559 And all the king's men,
23560 Had scrambled eggs for breakfast again!
23562 Humpty Dumpty was pushed.
23564 Hurewitz's Memory Principle:
23565 The chance of forgetting something is directly proportional
23566 to ..... to ........ uh ..............
23569 The best way to make a silk purse from a sow's ear is to begin
23570 with a silk sow. The same is true of money.
23572 If today were half as good as tomorrow is supposed to be, it would
23573 probably be twice as good as yesterday was.
23575 There are no lazy veteran lion hunters.
23577 If you can afford to advertise, you don't need to.
23579 One-tenth of the participants produce over one-third of the output.
23580 Increasing the number of participants merely reduces the average
23582 -- Norman Augustine
23584 I accept chaos. I am not sure whether it accepts me. I know some people
23585 are terrified of the bomb. But then some people are terrified to be seen
23586 carrying a modern screen magazine. Experience teaches us that silence
23587 terrifies people the most.
23590 I acted to show my love for Jodie Foster.
23593 I ain't got no quarrel with them Viet Congs.
23596 I allow the world to live as it chooses,
23597 and I allow myself to live as I choose.
23599 I also believe that academic freedom should protect the right of a professor
23600 or student to advocate Marxism, socialism, communism, or any other minority
23601 viewpoint -- no matter how distasteful to the majority.
23604 What are our schools for if not indoctrination against Communism?
23607 I also believe that academic freedom should protect the right of a
23608 professor or student to advocate Marxism, socialism, communism, or any
23609 other minority viewpoint -- no matter how distasteful to the majority.
23610 -- Richard M. Nixon
23612 What are our schools for if not indoctrination against Communism?
23613 -- Richard M. Nixon
23615 I always choose my friends for their good looks and my enemies for their
23616 good intellects. Man cannot be too careful in his choice of enemies.
23617 -- Oscar Wilde, "The Picture of Dorian Gray"
23619 I always had a repulsive need to be something more than human.
23622 I always pass on good advice. It is the only thing to do with it.
23623 It is never any good to oneself.
23624 -- Oscar Wilde, "An Ideal Husband"
23626 I always say beauty is only sin deep.
23627 -- H. H. Munro, a.k.a Saki, "Reginald's Choir Treat"
23629 I always turn to the sports pages first, which record people's
23630 accomplishments. The front page has nothing but man's failures.
23631 -- Chief Justice Earl Warren
23633 I always wake up at the crack of ice.
23636 I always will remember -- I was in no mood to trifle;
23637 'Twas a year ago November -- I got down my trusty rifle
23638 I went out to shoot some deer And went out to stalk my prey --
23639 On a morning bright and clear. What a haul I made that day!
23640 I went and shot the maximum I tied them to my bumper and
23641 The game laws would allow: I drove them home somehow,
23642 Two game wardens, seven hunters, Two game wardens, seven hunters,
23643 And a cow. And a cow.
23645 The Law was very firm, it People ask me how I do it
23646 Took away my permit-- And I say, "There's nothin' to it!
23647 The worst punishment I ever endured. You just stand there lookin' cute,
23648 It turns out there was a reason: And when something moves, you shoot."
23649 Cows were out of season, and And there's ten stuffed heads
23650 One of the hunters wasn't insured. In my trophy room right now:
23651 Two game wardens, seven hunters,
23652 And a pure-bred gurnsey cow.
23653 -- Tom Lehrer, "The Hunting Song"
23655 I am a bookaholic. If you are a decent
23656 person, you will not sell me another book.
23659 I am dumber than any human and smarter than any administrator.
23661 I am a conscientious man, when I throw
23662 rocks at seabirds I leave no tern unstoned.
23663 -- Ogden Nash, "Everybody's Mind to Me a Kingdom Is"
23665 I am a deeply superficial person.
23668 I am a friend of the working man, and I would rather be his friend
23672 I am a man: nothing human is alien to me.
23673 -- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence)
23675 I am a PC technician - however, this has unfortunately caused my
23676 computer to be running Win98.
23677 -- seen on a FreeBSD mailing-list
23679 I am America's child, a spastic slogging on demented
23680 limbs drooling I'll trade my PhD for a telephone voice.
23681 -- Burt Lanier Safford III, "An Obscured Radiance"
23683 I am an optimist. It does not seem too much use being anything else.
23684 -- Winston Churchill
23686 I am changing my name to Chrysler
23687 I am going down to Washington, D.C.
23688 I will tell some power broker
23689 What they did for Iacocca
23690 Will be perfectly acceptable to me!
23692 I am changing my name to Chrysler,
23693 I am heading for that great receiving line.
23694 When they hand a million grand out,
23695 I'll be standing with my hand out,
23696 Yessir, I'll get mine!
23698 "I am convinced that the manufacturers of carpet odor removing powder
23699 have included encapsulated time released cat urine in their products.
23700 This technology must be what prevented its distribution during my mom's
23701 reign. My carpet smells like piss, and I don't have a cat. Better go
23703 -- timw@zeb.USWest.COM
23705 I am convinced that the truest act of courage is to sacrifice ourselves
23706 for others in a totally nonviolent struggle for justice. To be a man
23707 is to suffer for others.
23710 I am fairly unrepentant about her poetry. I really think that three
23711 quarters of it is gibberish. However, I must crush down these thoughts
23712 otherwise the dove of peace will shit on me.
23713 -- Noel Coward on Edith Sitwell
23715 I am firm. You are obstinate. He is a pig-headed fool.
23716 -- Katharine Whitehorn
23718 I am getting into abstract painting. Real abstract -- no brush, no canvas,
23719 I just think about it. I just went to an art museum where all of the art
23720 was done by children. All the paintings were hung on refrigerators.
23723 I am, in point of fact, a particularly haughty and exclusive person, of
23724 pre-Adamite ancestral descent. You will understand this when I tell you
23725 that I can trace my ancestry back to a protoplasmal primordial atomic
23726 globule. Consequently, my family pride is something inconceivable. I
23727 can't help it. I was born sneering.
23728 -- Pooh-Bah, "The Mikado"
23730 "I am, in point of fact, a particularly haughty and exclusive person,
23731 of pre-Adamite ancestral descent. You will understand this when I tell
23732 you that I can trace my ancestry back to a protoplasmal primordial
23733 atomic globule. Consequently, my family pride is something
23734 inconceivable. I can't help it. I was born sneering."
23735 -- Pooh-Bah, "The Mikado", Gilbert & Sullivan
23737 I am just a nice, clean-cut Mongolian boy.
23738 -- Yul Brynner, 1956
23740 I am looking for a honest man.
23741 -- Diogenes the Cynic
23743 I am more bored than you could ever possibly be. Go back to work.
23750 I am not a politician and my other habits are also good.
23753 I am not afraid of tomorrow, for I have seen yesterday and I love today.
23754 -- William Allen White
23756 "I am not an Economist. I am an honest man!"
23759 "I am not now, and never have been, a girlfriend of Henry Kissinger."
23762 I am not now, nor have I ever been, a member of the demigodic party.
23763 -- Dennis M. Ritchie
23765 "I am not sure what this is, but an `F' would only dignify it."
23766 -- English Professor
23768 I am of the belief that catnip arrived on the planet in the same spaceship
23769 that delivered cats. It is the only thing they have from their home
23770 planet. Tuna, chicken, sparrow-brains, etc., these are all things of our
23771 world that they like, but catnip is crack from home.
23774 I am professionally trained in computer science, which is to say
23775 (in all seriousness) that I am extremely poorly educated.
23776 -- Joseph Weizenbaum, "Computer Power and Human Reason"
23778 I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the
23779 great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.
23780 -- Winston Churchill
23782 I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone
23783 has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top.
23784 -- Professor Lowd, English, Ohio University
23786 I am so optimistic about beef prices that I've just leased a pot roast
23787 with an option to buy.
23789 "I am the mother of all things, and all things should wear a sweater."
23791 I am the wandering glitch -- catch me if you can.
23793 I am two fools, I know, for loving, and for saying so.
23796 I am two with nature.
23799 I am very fond of the company of ladies. I like their beauty,
23800 I like their delicacy, I like their vivacity, and I like their silence.
23803 "I appreciate the fact that this draft was done in haste, but some of
23804 the sentences that you are sending out in the world to do your work for
23805 you are loitering in taverns or asleep beside the highway."
23806 -- Dr. Dwight Van de Vate, Professor of Philosophy,
23807 University of Tennessee at Knoxville
23809 "I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an
23810 argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and
23811 steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect,
23812 they don't even invite me."
23815 I asked the engineer who designed the communication terminal's keyboards
23816 why these were not manufactured in a central facility, in view of the
23817 small number needed [1 per month] in his factory. He explained that this
23818 would be contrary to the political concept of local self-sufficiency.
23819 Therefore, each factory needing keyboards, no matter how few, manufactures
23820 them completely, even molding the keypads.
23821 -- Isaac Auerbach, IEEE "Computer", Nov. 1979
23823 I attribute my success to intelligence, guts, determination, honesty,
23824 ambition, and having enough money to buy people with those qualities.
23832 I base my fashion taste on what doesn't itch.
23835 I began many years ago, as so many young men do, in searching for the
23836 perfect woman. I believed that if I looked long enough, and hard enough,
23837 I would find her and then I would be secure for life. Well, the years
23838 and romances came and went, and I eventually ended up settling for someone
23839 a lot less than my idea of perfection. But one day, after many years
23840 together, I lay there on our bed recovering from a slight illness. My
23841 wife was sitting on a chair next to the bed, humming softly and watching
23842 the late afternoon sun filtering through the trees. The only sounds to
23843 be heard elsewhere were the clock ticking, the kettle downstairs starting
23844 to boil, and an occasional schoolchild passing beneath our window. And
23845 as I looked up into my wife's now wrinkled face, but still warm and
23846 twinkling eyes, I realized something about perfection... It comes only
23848 -- James L. Collymore, "Perfect Woman"
23850 I believe a little incompatibility is the spice of life,
23851 particularly if he has income and she is pattable.
23854 I believe in an America where the separation of church and state is absolute
23855 -- where no Catholic prelate would tell the president (should he be Catholic)
23856 how to act, and no Protestant minister would tell his parishioners for whom
23857 to vote -- where no church or church school is granted any public funds or
23858 political preference -- and where no man is denied public office merely
23859 because his religion differs from the president who might appoint him or
23860 the people who might elect him.
23863 "I believe in getting into hot water; it keeps you clean."
23864 -- G. K. Chesterton
23866 I believe in sex and death -- two experiences that come once in a lifetime.
23869 I believe that professional wrestling is clean
23870 and everything else in the world is fixed.
23871 -- Frank Deford, sports writer
23873 I believe that the moment is near when by a procedure of active paranoiac
23874 thought, it will be possible to systematize confusion and contribute to the
23875 total discrediting of the world of reality.
23878 "I belong to no organized party. I am a Democrat."
23881 "I bet the human brain is a kludge."
23884 I BET WHAT HAPPENED was they discovered fire and invented the wheel on
23885 the same day. Then that night, they burned the wheel.
23886 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican", 1988.
23888 I BET WHEN NEANDERTHAL KIDS would make a snowman, someone would always
23889 end up saying, "Don't forget the thick heavy brows." Then they would get
23890 embarrassed because they remembered they had the big hunky brows too, and
23891 they'd get mad and eat the snowman.
23892 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican", 1988.
23894 I bet you have fun chasing the soap around the bathtub.
23895 -- Princess Diana, to a one-armed war veteran during
23896 a visit to a London veterans hospital
23898 I bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house.
23901 I brake for chezlogs!
23903 I braved the contempt of my friends last week and ventured out to see
23904 Bambi, the Disney rerelease that is proving to be a hit once again in the
23905 box office. I was looking forward to a gentle, soothing, late afternoon
23906 relief from the Washington Summer. Instead I was traumatized. As a
23907 psycho-sexual return to the horrors of early adolescence, it couldn't be
23908 more effective. For the first half-hour, you're lulled into an agreeable
23909 sense of security and comfort. Birds twitter; small rabbits turn out to
23910 be great conversationalists. Pop is what Senator Moynihan would describe
23911 as an absent father, but Mom's there to make you feel OK in the odd
23912 thunderstorm. You make great friends, fool around on the ice, discover
23913 the meadow, generally mellow out. Then, without any particular warning,
23914 your mom gets shot, your voice breaks, huge growths start appearing on
23915 your head, and your peers start heading off into the clover with the
23916 apparent intention of having sex. Next thing you know, the forest burns
23917 down. If I were still eight, I think I'd prefer Rambo III.
23920 I call them as I see them. If I can't see them, I make them up.
23923 I called my parents the other night, but I forgot about the time difference.
23924 They're still living in the fifties.
23927 I came, I saw, I deleted all your files.
23929 I came out of twelve years of college and I didn't even know how to sew.
23930 All I could do was account -- I couldn't even account for myself.
23931 -- Firesign Theatre
23933 I came to MIT to get an education for myself and a diploma for my mother.
23935 I can feel for her because, although I have never been an Alaskan
23936 prostitute dancing on the bar in a spangled dress, I still get very
23937 bored with washing and ironing and dishwashing and cooking day after
23941 I can give you my word, but I know what it's worth and you don't.
23942 -- Nero Wolfe, "Over My Dead Body"
23944 I can hire one half of the working class to kill the other half.
23947 I can mend the break of day, heal a broken heart,
23948 and provide temporary relief to nymphomaniacs.
23951 I can read your mind, and you should be ashamed of yourself.
23953 I can relate to that.
23955 "I can remember when a good politician had to be 75 percent ability and
23956 25 percent actor, but I can well see the day when the reverse could be
23960 "I can resist anything but temptation."
23962 I can see him a'comin'
23963 With his big boots on,
23964 With his big thumb out,
23965 He wants to get me.
23966 He wants to hurt me.
23967 He wants to bring me down.
23968 But some time later,
23969 When I feel a little straighter,
23970 I'll come across a stranger
23971 Who'll remind me of the danger,
23972 And then.... I'll run him over.
23973 Pretty smart on my part!
23974 To find my way... In the dark!
23977 I can write better than anybody who can write faster,
23978 and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.
23981 "I cannot and will not cut my conscience to fit this year's fashions."
23984 I cannot believe that God plays dice with the cosmos.
23985 -- Albert Einstein, on the randomness of quantum mechanics
23987 I cannot conceive that anybody will require multiplications at the rate
23988 of 40,000 or even 4,000 per hour ...
23989 -- F. H. Wales (1936)
23991 I cannot draw a cart, nor eat dried oats;
23992 If it be man's work I will do it.
23994 I cannot overemphasize the importance of good grammar.
23996 What a crock. I could easily overemphasize the importance of good
23997 grammar. For example, I could say: "Bad grammar is the leading cause
23998 of slow, painful death in North America," or "Without good grammar, the
23999 United States would have lost World War II."
24000 -- Dave Barry, "An Utterly Absurd Look at Grammar"
24002 I can't believe that out of 100,000 sperm, you were the quickest.
24005 "I can't complain, but sometimes I still do."
24008 "I can't decide whether to commit suicide or go bowling."
24009 -- Florence Henderson
24011 I can't die until the government finds a safe place to bury my liver.
24014 I Can't Get Over You, So I Get Up and Go Around to the Other Side
24015 If You Won't Leave Me Alone, I'll Find Someone Who Will
24016 I Knew That You'd Committed a Sin When You Came Home Late With
24017 Your Socks Outside-in
24018 I'm a Rabbit in the Headlights of Your Love
24019 Don't Kick My Tires If You Ain't Gonna Take Me For a Ride
24020 I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well
24021 I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better
24022 I've Got Red Eyes From Your White Lies and I'm Blue All the Time
24023 -- proposed Country-Western song titles from "Wordplay"
24025 I can't mate in captivity.
24026 -- Gloria Steinem, on why she has never married
24028 I can't seem to bring myself to say, "Well, I guess I'll be toddling along."
24029 It isn't that I can't toddle. It's that I can't guess I'll toddle.
24032 I can't stand squealers; hit that guy.
24033 -- Albert Anastasia
24035 I can't stand this proliferation of paperwork. It's useless to fight the
24036 forms. You've got to kill the people producing them.
24037 -- Vladimir Kabaidze, general director of the Ivanovo Machine
24038 Building Works (near Moscow) in a speech to the Communist
24041 I can't understand it. I can't even understand the people who can
24043 -- Queen Juliana of the Netherlands.
24045 I can't understand why a person will take a year or two to write a
24046 novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars.
24049 I can't understand why people are frightened of new ideas.
24050 I'm frightened of the old ones.
24053 I collect rare photographs... I have two... One of Houdini locking his
24054 keys in his car... the other is a rare picture of Norman Rockwell beating
24058 I come from a small town whose population never changed. Each time
24059 a woman got pregnant, someone left town.
24060 -- Michael Prichard
24062 I consider a new device or technology to have been
24063 culturally accepted when it has been used to commit a murder.
24066 I consider the day misspent that I am not
24067 either charged with a crime, or arrested for one.
24068 -- "Ratsy" Tourbillon
24070 I could dance till the cows come home. On second thought, I'd rather
24071 dance with the cows till you come home.
24074 I could never learn to like her --
24075 except on a raft at sea with no other provisions in sight.
24078 I couldn't possibly fail to disagree with you less.
24080 "I couldn't remember when I had been so disappointed. Except perhaps
24081 the time I found out that M&Ms really *do* melt in your hand ..."
24084 I despise the pleasure of pleasing people whom I despise.
24086 I didn't believe in reincarnation in any of my other lives. I don't see why
24087 I should have to believe in it in this one.
24090 I didn't do it! Nobody saw me do it! Can't prove anything!
24093 I didn't get sophisticated -- I just got tired.
24094 But maybe that's what sophisticated is -- being tired.
24097 I didn't know he was dead; I thought he was British.
24099 "I didn't know it was impossible when I did it."
24101 I didn't like the play, but I saw it under adverse conditions. The
24104 "I didn't order any WOO-WOO... Maybe a YUBBA... But no WOO-WOO!"
24105 -- Zippy the Pinhead
24107 I disagree with what you say, but will defend
24108 to the death your right to tell such LIES!
24110 I distrust a close-mouthed man. He generally picks the wrong time to talk
24111 and says the wrong things. Talking's something you can't do judiciously,
24112 unless you keep in practice. Now, sir, we'll talk if you like. I'll tell
24113 you right out, I'm a man who likes talking to a man who likes to talk.
24114 -- Sidney Greenstreet, "The Maltese Falcon"
24116 I distrust a man who says when. If he's got to be careful not to drink
24117 too much, it's because he's not to be trusted when he does.
24118 -- Sidney Greenstreet, "The Maltese Falcon"
24120 I do desire we may be better strangers.
24121 -- William Shakespeare, "As You Like It"
24123 I do enjoy a good long walk -- especially when my wife takes one.
24125 I do hate sums. There is no greater mistake than to call arithmetic an
24126 exact science. There are permutations and aberrations discernible to
24127 minds entirely noble like mine; subtle variations which ordinary
24128 accountants fail to discover; hidden laws of number which it requires a
24129 mind like mine to perceive. For instance, if you add a sum from the
24130 bottom up, and then again from the top down, the result is always
24132 -- Mrs. La Touche (19th cent.)
24134 I do not believe in the creed professed by the Jewish Church, by the Roman
24135 Church, by the Greek Church, by the Turkish Church, by the Protestant Church,
24136 nor by any Church that I know of. My own mind is my own Church.
24139 I do not care if half the league strikes. Those who do will encounter
24140 quick retribution. All will be suspended, and I don't care if it wrecks
24141 the National League for five years. This is the United States of America
24142 and one citizen has as much right to play as another.
24143 -- Ford Frick, National League President, reacting to a
24144 threatened strike by some Cardinal players in 1947 if
24145 Jackie Robinson took the field against St. Louis. The
24146 Cardinals backed down and played.
24148 "I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them."
24151 "I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us
24152 with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forego their use."
24155 "I do not know myself, and God forbid that I should."
24156 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
24158 I do not know where to find in any literature, whether ancient or modern,
24159 any adequate account of that nature with which I am acquainted. Mythology
24160 comes nearest to it of any.
24161 -- Henry David Thoreau
24163 I do not know whether I was then a man dreaming I was a
24164 butterfly, or whether I am now a butterfly dreaming I am a man.
24167 I do not remember ever having seen a sustained argument by an author which,
24168 starting from philosophical premises likely to meet with general acceptance,
24169 reached the conclusion that a praiseworthy ordering of one's life is to
24170 devote it to research in mathematics.
24171 -- Sir Edmund Whittaker, "Scientific American", Vol. 183
24173 I do not seek the ignorant; the ignorant seek me -- I will instruct them.
24174 I ask nothing but sincerity. If they come out of habit, they become
24178 I do not take drugs -- I am drugs.
24181 "I don't believe in astrology. But then I'm an Aquarius, and Aquarians
24182 don't believe in astrology."
24183 -- James R. F. Quirk
24185 I don't believe in astrology. But then I'm an
24186 Aquarius, and Aquarians don't believe in astrology.
24189 I don't believe there really IS a GAS SHORTAGE.. I think it's all just
24190 a BIG HOAX on the part of the plastic sign salesmen -- to sell more
24193 I don't care for the Sugar Smacks commercial. I don't like the idea of
24194 a frog jumping on my Breakfast.
24195 -- Lowell, Chicago Reader 10/15/82
24197 I don't care how poor and inefficient a little country is; they like to
24198 run their own business. I know men that would make my wife a better
24199 husband than I am; but, darn it, I'm not going to give her to 'em.
24200 -- The Best of Will Rogers
24202 I don't care what star you're following, get that camel off my front lawn!
24203 -- Heard in Bethlehem
24205 I don't care where I sit as long as I get fed.
24208 I don't care who does the electing as long as I get to do the
24212 I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't
24213 deserve that either.
24216 I don't do it for the money.
24217 -- Donald Trump, Art of the Deal
24219 I don't drink, I don't like it, it makes me feel too good.
24222 I don't even butter my bread. I consider that cooking.
24223 -- Katherine Cebrian
24225 I don't get no respect.
24227 I don't have an eating problem. I eat.
24228 I get fat. I buy new clothes. No problem.
24230 "I don't have any solution but I certainly admire the problem."
24231 -- Ashleigh Brilliant
24233 I don't have any use for bodyguards, but I do have a specific use for two
24234 highly trained certified public accountants.
24237 "I don't have to take this abuse from you -- I've got hundreds of
24238 people waiting to abuse me."
24239 -- Bill Murray, "Ghostbusters"
24241 I don't kill flies, but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them above
24242 globes. They freak out and yell "Whooa, I'm *way* too high."
24245 I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to.
24248 I don't know what Descartes' got,
24249 But booze can do what Kant cannot.
24252 I don't know who my grandfather was; I am much
24253 more concerned to know what his grandson will be.
24256 I don't know why anyone would want a computer in their home.
24257 -- Ken Olsen, president of DEC, 1974
24259 I don't know why we're here, I say we all go home and free associate.
24261 "I don't like spinach, and I'm glad I don't, because if I liked it I'd
24262 eat it, and I just hate it."
24265 I don't like the Dutchman. He's a crocodile. He's sneaky.
24267 -- Jack "Legs" Diamond, just before a peace conference
24268 with Dutch Schultz.
24270 I don't trust Legs. He's nuts. He gets excited and starts pulling a
24271 trigger like another guy wipes his nose.
24272 -- Dutch Schultz, just before a peace conference with
24275 I don't make the rules, Gil, I only play the game.
24278 I don't mind arguing with myself.
24279 It's when I lose that it bothers me.
24282 "I don't mind going nowhere as long as it's an interesting path."
24285 I don't mind what Congress does, as long as they don't do it in the
24286 streets and frighten the horses.
24289 I don't need no arms around me...
24290 I don't need no drugs to calm me...
24291 I have seen the writing on the wall.
24292 Don't think I need anything at all.
24293 No! Don't think I need anything at all!
24294 All in all, it was all just bricks in the wall.
24295 All in all, it was all just bricks in the wall.
24296 -- Pink Floyd, "Another Brick in the Wall", Part III
24298 "I don't object to sex before marriage, but two minutes before?!?"
24300 I don't remember it, but I have it written down.
24302 I don't see what's wrong with giving Bobby a little experience before
24303 he starts to practice law.
24304 -- John F. Kennedy, upon appointing his brother
24307 I DON'T THINK I'M ALONE when I say I'd like to see more and more planets
24308 fall under the ruthless domination of our solar system.
24309 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican", 1988.
24311 "I don't think so," said Ren'
\be Descartes. Just then, he vanished.
24313 I don't think they are going to give a shit about the Republican
24314 Committee trying to bug the Democratic Committee's headquarters.
24315 -- Richard Nixon, 1972
24317 "I don't think they could put him in a mental hospital. On the other
24318 hand, if he were already in, I don't think they'd let him out."
24320 "I don't understand," said the scientist, "why you lemmings all rush down
24321 to the sea and drown yourselves."
24323 "How curious," said the lemming. "The one thing I don't understand is why
24324 you human beings don't."
24327 I don't understand you anymore.
24329 I don't wanna argue, and I don't wanna fight,
24330 But there will definitely be a party tonight...
24332 I don't want a pickle,
24333 I just wanna ride on my motorcycle.
24334 And I don't want to die,
24335 I just want to ride on my motorcycle.
24338 I don't want people to love me. It makes for obligations.
24341 I don't want to achieve immortality through my work.
24342 I want to achieve immortality through not dying.
24345 I don't want to alarm anybody, but there is an excellent chance that
24346 the Earth will be destroyed in the next several days. Congress is
24347 thinking about eliminating a federal program under which scientists
24348 broadcast signals to alien beings. This would be a large mistake.
24349 Alien beings have nuclear blaster death cannons. You cannot cut off
24350 their federal programs as if they were merely poor people ...
24351 -- Dave Barry, "THE ALIENS ARE COMING, THE ALIENS ARE
24354 I don't want to bore you, but there's nobody else around for me to bore.
24356 I don't want to live on in my work, I want to live on in my apartment.
24359 I don't wish to appear overly inquisitive, but are you still alive?
24361 I dote on his very absence.
24362 -- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"
24364 I doubt, therefore I might be.
24366 "I dread success. To have succeeded is to have finished one's business
24367 on earth, like the male spider, who is killed by the female the moment
24368 he has succeeded in his courtship. I like a state of continual
24369 becoming, with a goal in front and not behind."
24370 -- George Bernard Shaw
24372 "I drink to make other people interesting."
24373 -- George Jean Nathan
24375 I either want less decadence or more chance to participate in it.
24377 I enjoy the time that we spend together.
24379 I exist, therefore I am paid.
24381 I fear explanations explanatory of things explained.
24383 I feel sorry for your brain... all alone in that great big head...
24385 I fell asleep reading a dull book, and I dreamt that I was reading on,
24386 so I woke up from sheer boredom.
24388 I figure that if God actually does exist, He's big enough to understand an
24389 honest difference of opinion.
24392 I finally went to the eye doctor. I got contacts.
24393 I only need them to read, so I got flip-ups.
24396 I find this corpse guilty of carrying a concealed weapon and I fine it $40.
24397 -- Judge Roy Bean, finding a pistol and $40 on a man he'd
24400 I for one cannot protest the recent M.T.A. fare hike and the
24401 accompanying promises that this would in no way improve service. For
24402 the transit system, as it now operates, has hidden advantages that
24403 can't be measured in monetary terms.
24405 Personally, I feel that it is well worth 75 cents or even $1 to have
24406 that unimpeachable excuse whenever I am late to anything: "I came by
24407 subway." Those four words have such magic in them that if Godot should
24408 someday show up and mumble them, any audience would instantly
24409 understand his long delay.
24411 "I found out why my car was humming. It had forgotten the words."
24413 I found Rome a city of bricks and left it a city of marble.
24416 "I gained nothing at all from Supreme Enlightenment, and for that very
24417 reason it is called Supreme Enlightenment."
24420 I gave my love an Apple, that had no core;
24421 I gave my love a building, that had no floor;
24422 I wrote my love a program, that had no end;
24423 I gave my love an upgrade, with no cryin'.
24425 How can there be an Apple, that has no core?
24426 How can there be a building, that has no floor?
24427 How can there be a program, that has no end?
24428 How can there be an upgrade, with no cryin'?
24430 An Apple's MOS memory don't use no core!
24431 A building that's perfect, it has no flaw!
24432 A program with GOTOs, it has no end!
24433 I lied about the upgrade, with no cryin'!
24435 I gave up Smoking, Drinking and Sex. It was the most *__________
\b\b\b\b\b\b\b\b\b\bhorrifying* 20
24436 minutes of my life!
24438 I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it.
24441 I get my exercise acting as pallbearer to my friends who exercise.
24444 I get up each morning, gather my wits.
24445 Pick up the paper, read the obits.
24446 If I'm not there I know I'm not dead.
24447 So I eat a good breakfast and go back to bed.
24449 I get up each morning, gather my wits.
24450 Pick up the paper, read the obits.
24451 If I'm not there I know I'm not dead.
24452 So I eat a good breakfast and go back to bed.
24454 Oh, how do I know my youth is all spent?
24455 My get-up-and-go has got-up-and-went.
24456 But in spite of it all, I'm able to grin,
24457 And think of the places my get-up has been.
24460 I give you the man who -- the man who -- uh, I forgets the man who?
24461 -- Beauregard Bugleboy
24463 I go on working for the same reason a hen goes on laying eggs.
24466 "I got into an elevator at work and this man followed in after me... I
24467 pushed '1' and he just stood there... I said 'Hi, where you going?' He
24468 said, 'Phoenix.' So I pushed Phoenix. A few seconds later the doors
24469 opened, two tumbleweeds blew in... we were in downtown Phoenix. I looked
24470 at him and said 'You know, you're the kind of guy I want to hang around
24471 with.' We got into his car and drove out to his shack in the desert.
24472 Then the phone rang. He said 'You get it.' I picked it up and said
24473 'Hello?'... the other side said 'Is this Steven Wright?'... I said 'Yes...'
24474 The guy said 'Hi, I'm Mr. Jones, the student loan director from your bank...
24475 It seems you have missed your last 17 payments, and the university you
24476 attended said that they received none of the $17,000 we loaned you... we
24477 would just like to know what happened to the money?' I said, 'Mr. Jones,
24478 I'll give it to you straight. I gave all of the money to my friend Slick,
24479 and with it he built a nuclear weapon... and I would appreciate it you never
24483 I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now
24484 when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer and
24485 farther, trying to see it clearly)... and says, "Here, you can go."
24488 I got the bill for my surgery. Now I know what those doctors were
24492 I got this powdered water -- now I don't know what to add.
24495 I got tired of listening to the recording on the phone at the movie
24496 theater. So I bought the album. I got kicked out of a theater the
24497 other day for bringing my own food in. I argued that the concession
24498 stand prices were outrageous. Besides, I hadn't had a barbecue in a
24499 long time. I went to the theater and the sign said adults $5 children
24500 $2.50. I told them I wanted 2 boys and a girl. I once took a cab to
24501 a drive-in movie. The movie cost me $95.
24504 I got vision, and the rest of the world wears bifocals.
24507 I GUESS I KINDA LOST CONTROL because in the middle of the play I ran up
24508 and lit the evil puppet villain on fire.
24510 No, I didn't. Just kidding. I just said that to illustrate one of the
24511 human emotions which is freaking out. Another emotion is greed, as when
24512 you kill someone for money or something like that. Another emotion is
24513 generosity, as when you pay someone double what he paid for his stupid
24515 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican", 1988.
24517 I GUESS I'LL NEVER FORGET HER. And maybe I don't want to. Her spirit
24518 was wild, like a wild monkey. Her beauty was like a beautiful horse
24519 being ridden by a wild monkey. I forget her other qualities.
24520 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican", 1988.
24522 I guess I've been so wrapped up in playing the game that I never took
24523 time enough to figure out where the goal line was -- what it meant to
24524 win -- or even how you won.
24527 I guess I've been wrong all my life, but so have billions of
24528 other people... Certainty is just an emotion.
24531 I GUESS OF ALL MY UNCLES, I liked Uncle Caveman the best. We called him
24532 Uncle Caveman because he lived in a cave and because sometimes he'd eat
24533 one of us. Later, we found out he was a bear.
24534 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican", 1988.
24536 I guess the Little League is even littler than we thought.
24539 I GUESS WE WERE ALL GUILTY, in a way. We shot him, we skinned him, and
24540 we all got a complimentary bumper sticker that said, "I helped skin Bob."
24541 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican", 1988.
24543 I had a dream last night...
24544 I dreamt about 1976.
24545 I dreamt about a country with incurable brain damage...
24546 I even dreamt they gave it a heart transplant.
24547 Then I woke up and I knew it was only a nightmare...
24548 so I went back to sleep again.
24549 -- Ralph Steadman, "Fear and Loathing '72"
24551 I had a feeling once about mathematics -- that I saw it all. Depth beyond
24552 depth was revealed to me -- the Byss and the Abyss. I saw -- as one might
24553 see the transit of Venus or even the Lord Mayor's Show -- a quantity passing
24554 through infinity and changing its sign from plus to minus. I saw exactly
24555 why it happened and why tergiversation was inevitable -- but it was after
24556 dinner and I let it go.
24557 -- Winston Churchill
24559 I had a virgin once. I had to go to Guatemala for her. She was blind
24560 in one eye, and she had a stuffed alligator that said, "Welcome to Miami
24564 I had another dream the other day about government financial management
24565 people. They were small and rodent-like with padlocked ears, as if they
24566 had stepped out of a painting by Goya.
24568 I had another dream the other day about music critics. They were small
24569 and rodent-like with padlocked ears, as if they had stepped out of a
24573 I had never been too political, but I knew how white people treated black
24574 people and it was hard for me to come back to the bullshit white people
24575 put a black person through in this country. To realize you don't have any
24576 power to make things different is a bitch.
24579 I had no shoes and I pitied myself. Then I met a man who had no feet,
24580 so I took his shoes.
24583 I had the rare misfortune of being one of the first people to try and
24584 implement a PL/1 compiler.
24587 I had to censor everything my sons watched ... even on the Mary Tyler
24588 Moore show I heard the word "damn"!
24591 "I had to hit him -- he was starting to make sense."
24593 I hate babies. They're so human.
24599 "I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day cause that means
24600 it's going to be up all night."
24603 I hate mankind, for I think myself one of the best of them,
24604 and I know how bad I am.
24607 "I hate quotations."
24608 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
24610 I hate small towns because once you've seen the cannon in the park
24611 there's nothing else to do.
24614 I hate trolls. Maybe I could metamorph it into something else -- like a
24615 ravenous, two-headed, fire-breathing dragon.
24618 I have a box of telephone rings under my bed. Whenever I get lonely, I
24619 open it up a little bit, and I get a phone call. One day I dropped the
24620 box all over the floor. The phone wouldn't stop ringing. I had to get
24621 it disconnected. So I got a new phone. I didn't have much money, so I
24622 had to get an irregular. It doesn't have a five. I ran into a friend
24623 of mine on the street the other day. He said why don't you give me a
24624 call. I told him I can't call everybody I want to anymore, my phone
24625 doesn't have a five. He asked how long had it been that way. I said I
24626 didn't know -- my calendar doesn't have any sevens.
24629 I have a dog; I named him Stay. So when I'd go to call him, I'd say, "Here,
24630 Stay, here..." but he got wise to that. Now when I call him he ignores me
24631 and just keeps on typing.
24634 I have a dream. I have a dream that one day, on the red hills of Georgia,
24635 the sons of former slaves and the sons of former slaveowners will be able to
24636 sit down together at the table of brotherhood.
24637 -- Martin Luther King, Jr.
24639 I have a friend whose a billionaire. He invented Cliff's notes. When
24640 I asked him how he got such a great idea he said, "Well first I...
24641 I just... to make a long story short..."
24644 I have a hard time being attracted to anyone who can beat me up.
24645 -- John McGrath, Atlanta sportswriter, on women weightlifters
24647 I have a hobby. I have the world's largest collection of sea shells.
24648 I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen
24652 I have a little shadow that goes in and out with me,
24653 And what can be the use of him is more than I can see.
24654 He is very, very like me from the heels up to the head;
24655 And I see him jump before me, when I jump into my bed.
24657 The funniest thing about him is the way he likes to grow--
24658 Not at all like proper children, which is always very slow;
24659 For he sometimes shoots up taller, like an india-rubber ball,
24660 And he sometimes gets so little that there's none of him at all.
24663 I have a map of the United States. It's actual size.
24664 I spent last summer folding it.
24665 People ask me where I live, and I say, "E6".
24668 I have a rock garden. Last week three of them died.
24671 I have a simple philosophy:
24675 Scratch where it itches.
24678 I have a switch in my apartment that doesn't do anything. Every once
24679 in a while I turn it on and off. On and off. On and off. One day I
24680 got a call from a woman in France who said "Cut it out!"
24683 I have a terrible headache, I was putting on toilet water and the lid fell.
24685 I have a theory that it's impossible to prove anything,
24686 but I can't prove it.
24688 "I have a very firm grasp on reality! I can reach out and strangle it
24691 I have a very small mind and must live with it.
24692 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
24694 I have a very strange feeling about this...
24697 "I have accepted Provolone into my life!"
24698 -- Zippy the Pinhead
24700 I have already given two cousins to the war and I stand ready to
24701 sacrifice my wife's brother.
24704 I have always noticed that whenever a radical takes
24705 to Imperialism, he catches it in a very acute form.
24706 -- Winston Churchill, 1903
24708 I have an existential map. It has "You are here" written all over it.
24711 I have become me without my consent.
24713 I have come up with a sure-fire concept for a hit television show,
24714 which would be called `A Live Celebrity Gets Eaten by a Shark'.
24717 "I have come up with a sure-fire concept for a hit television show,
24718 which would be called `A Live Celebrity Gets Eaten by a Shark'."
24719 -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV"
24721 I have defined the hundred per cent American as ninety-nine per
24723 -- George Bernard Shaw
24725 I have discovered that all human evil comes from this, man's being unable
24726 to sit still in a room.
24729 I have discovered the art of deceiving diplomats. I tell them the truth
24730 and they never believe me.
24731 -- Camillo Di Cavour
24733 I have found it impossible to carry the heavy burden of responsibility and
24734 to discharge my duties as king as I would wish to do without the help and
24735 support of the woman I love.
24736 -- Edward, Duke of Windsor, 1936, announcing his abdication
24737 of the British throne in order to marry the American
24738 divorcee Wallis Warfield Simpson.
24740 I have found little that is good about human beings. In my experience
24741 most of them are trash.
24744 I have gained this by philosophy:
24745 that I do without being commanded what others
24746 do only from fear of the law.
24749 I have given two cousins to war and I stand ready to sacrifice my
24753 I have great faith in fools -- self confidence my friends call it.
24756 I have had my television aerials removed. It's the moral equivalent
24757 of a prostate operation.
24758 -- Malcolm Muggeridge
24760 I have hardly ever known a mathematician who was capable of reasoning.
24763 I have just had eighteen whiskeys in a row.
24764 I do believe that is a record.
24765 -- Dylan Thomas, his last words
24767 "I have just read your lousy review buried in the back pages. You
24768 sound like a frustrated old man who never made a success, an
24769 eight-ulcer man on a four-ulcer job, and all four ulcers working. I
24770 have never met you, but if I do you'll need a new nose and plenty of
24771 beefsteak and perhaps a supporter below. Westbrook Pegler, a
24772 guttersnipe, is a gentleman compared to you. You can take that as more
24773 of an insult than as a reflection on your ancestry."
24776 I have learned silence from the talkative,
24777 toleration from the intolerant, and kindness from the unkind.
24781 To spell hors d'oeuvres
24782 Which still grates on
24783 Some people's n'oeuvres.
24786 I have lots of things in my pockets;
24787 None of them is worth anything.
24788 Sociopolitical whines aside,
24789 Gan you give me, gratis, free,
24790 The price of half a gallon
24792 And most of the bus fare home.
24794 "I have made mistakes but I have never made the mistake of claiming
24795 that I have never made one."
24796 -- James Gordon Bennett
24798 "I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to
24802 I have more hit points that you can possible imagine.
24804 I have more humility in my little finger than you have in your whole BODY!
24807 I have more humility in my little finger than you have in your whole
24809 -- from "Cerebus" #82
24811 I have never been one to sacrifice
24812 my appetite on the altar of appearance.
24813 -- A. M. Readyhough
24815 I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.
24818 I have never seen anything fill up a vacuum so fast and still suck.
24821 Steve Jobs said two years ago that X is brain-damaged and it will be
24822 gone in two years. He was half right.
24825 Dennis Ritchie is twice as bright as Steve Jobs, and only half wrong.
24828 I have never understood this liking for war. It panders to instincts
24829 already catered for within the scope of any respectable domestic
24833 I have no doubt that it is a part of the destiny of the human race,
24834 in its gradual improvement, to leave off eating animals.
24837 I have no doubt the Devil grins,
24838 As seas of ink I spatter.
24839 Ye gods, forgive my "literary" sins--
24840 The other kind don't matter.
24841 -- Robert W. Service
24843 I have no right, by anything I do or say, to demean a human being in his
24844 own eyes. What matters is not what I think of him; it is what he thinks
24845 of himself. To undermine a man's self-respect is a sin.
24846 -- Antoine de Saint-Exupery
24848 I have not yet begun to byte!
24850 I have nothing but utter contempt for the courts of this land.
24853 I have now come to the conclusion never again to think of marrying,
24854 and for this reason: I can never be satisfied with anyone who would
24855 be blockhead enough to have me.
24858 I have often looked at women and committed adultery in my heart.
24861 I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.
24864 I have sacrificed time, health, and fortune, in the desire to complete these
24865 Calculating Engines. I have also declined several offers of great personal
24866 advantage to myself. But, notwithstanding the sacrifice of these advantages
24867 for the purpose of maturing an engine of almost intellectual power, and
24868 after expending from my own private fortune a larger sum than the government
24869 of England has spent on that machine, the execution of which it only
24870 commenced, I have received neither an acknowledgement of my labors, not even
24871 the offer of those honors or rewards which are allowed to fall within the
24872 reach of men who devote themselves to purely scientific investigations...
24873 If the work upon which I have bestowed so much time and thought were
24874 a mere triumph over mechanical difficulties, or simply curious, or if the
24875 execution of such engines were of doubtful practicability or utility, some
24876 justification might be found for the course which has been taken; but I
24877 venture to assert that no mathematician who has a reputation to lose will
24878 ever publicly express an opinion that such a machine would be useless if
24879 made, and that no man distinguished as a civil engineer will venture to
24880 declare the construction of such machinery impracticable...
24881 And at a period when the progress of physical science is obstructed
24882 by that exhausting intellectual and manual labor, indispensable for its
24883 advancement, which it is the object of the Analytical Engine to relieve, I
24884 think the application of machinery in aid of the most complicated and abstruse
24885 calculations can no longer be deemed unworthy of the attention of the country.
24886 In fact, there is no reason why mental as well as bodily labor should not
24887 be economized by the aid of machinery.
24888 -- Charles Babbage, "The Life of a Philosopher"
24890 I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.
24893 "I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer."
24894 -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
24896 I have seen the Great Pretender and he is not what he seems.
24898 I have that old biological urge,
24899 I have that old irresistible surge,
24902 "I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best."
24905 "I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it
24906 scattered around the beaches of the world ... Perhaps you've seen it.
24909 "I have to convince you, or at least snow you ..."
24910 -- Prof. Romas Aleliunas, CS 435
24912 I have to think hard to name an interesting man who does not drink.
24915 I have travelled the length and breadth of this country, and have talked with
24916 the best people in business administration. I can assure you on the highest
24917 authority that data processing is a fad and won't last out the year.
24918 -- Editor in charge of business books at Prentice-Hall
24919 publishers, responding to Karl V. Karlstrom (a junior
24920 editor who had recommended a manuscript on the new
24921 science of data processing), c. 1957
24923 "I have two very rare photographs: one is a picture of Houdini locking
24924 his keys in his car; the other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell
24925 beating up a child."
24928 I have ways of making money that you know nothing of.
24929 -- John D. Rockefeller
24931 I have yet to see any problem, however complicated, which, when looked
24932 at in the right way, did not become still more complicated.
24935 "I haven't lost my mind -- it's backed up on tape somewhere."
24937 "I haven't lost my mind; I know exactly where I left it."
24939 I hear the sound that the machines make,
24940 and feel my heart break, just for a moment.
24942 I hear what you're saying but I just don't care.
24944 I heard a definition of an intellectual, that I thought was very
24945 interesting: a man who takes more words than are necessary to tell
24946 more than he knows.
24947 -- Dwight D. Eisenhower
24949 I hold it, that a little rebellion, now and then, is a good thing...
24950 -- Thomas Jefferson
24952 I hold your hand in mine, dear, I press it to my lips,
24953 I take a healthy bite from your dainty fingertips,
24954 My joy would be complete, dear, if you were only here,
24955 But still I keep your hand as a precious souvenir.
24957 The night you died I cut it off, I really don't know why,
24958 For now each time I kiss it I get bloodstains on my tie,
24959 I'm sorry now I killed you, our love was something fine,
24960 So until they come to get me I will hold your hand in mine.
24962 -- Tom Lehrer, "I Hold Your Hand In Mine"
24964 I hope you're not pretending to be evil while
24965 secretly being good. That would be dishonest.
24967 I just asked myself... what would John DeLorean do?
24970 I just ate a whole package of Sweet Tarts and a can of Coke.
24974 I just forgot my whole philosophy of life!!!
24976 I just got off the phone with Sonny Barger [President of the Hell's Angels].
24977 He wants me to appear as a character witness for him at his murder trial
24978 and said he'd be glad to appear as a character witness on my behalf if I
24979 ever needed one. Needless to say, I readily agreed.
24980 -- Thomas King Forcade, publisher of "High Times"
24982 I just got out of the hospital after a
24983 speed reading accident. I hit a bookmark.
24986 I just know I'm a better manager when I have Joe DiMaggio in center field.
24989 "I just need enough to tide me over until I need more."
24992 "I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes."
24993 "Did you ever see a doctor?"
24996 I kissed my first girl and smoked my first cigarette on the same day.
24997 I haven't had time for tobacco since.
24998 -- Arturo Toscanini
25000 I knew her before she was a virgin.
25001 -- Oscar Levant, on Doris Day
25003 I *knew* I had some reason for not logging you off...
25004 If I could just remember what it was.
25006 I knew one thing: as soon as anyone said you didn't need a gun, you'd better
25007 take one along that worked.
25008 -- Raymond Chandler
25010 I know if you been talkin' you done said
25011 just how surprised you wuz by the living dead.
25012 You wuz surprised that they could understand you words
25013 and never respond once to all the truth they heard.
25014 But don't you get square!
25015 There ain't no rule that says they got to care.
25016 They can always swear they're deaf, dumb and blind.
25018 I know it all. I just can't remember it all at once.
25020 I know not how I came into this,
25021 shall I call it a dying life or a living death?
25024 "I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World
25025 War IV will be fought with sticks and stones."
25028 I know on which side my bread is buttered.
25031 "I know the answer! The answer lies within the heart of all mankind!
25032 The answer is twelve? I think I'm in the wrong building."
25035 I know the disposition of women: when you will, they won't; when
25036 you won't, they set their hearts upon you of their own inclination.
25037 -- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence)
25039 I know what "custody" [of the children] means. "Get even." That's all
25040 custody means. Get even with your old lady.
25043 "I know what you're thinking -- `Did he fire six shots or only five?'
25044 Well, to tell you the truth, in all the excitement, I kind of lost track
25045 myself. But being this is a .44 Magnum, the most powerful handgun in the
25046 world, and would blow your head clean off, you've got to ask yourself
25047 one question: `Do I feel lucky?' Well, do you, punk?"
25048 -- Harry Callahan, badge #2211
25050 I know you believe you understand what you think this fortune says,
25051 but I'm not sure you realize that what you are reading is not what
25054 I know you think you thought you knew what you thought I said,
25055 but I'm not sure you understood what you thought I meant.
25057 I know you're in search of yourself, I just haven't seen you anywhere.
25059 I lately lost a preposition;
25060 It hid, I thought, beneath my chair
25061 And angrily I cried, "Perdition!
25062 Up from out of under there."
25064 Correctness is my vade mecum,
25065 And straggling phrases I abhor,
25066 And yet I wondered, "What should he come
25067 Up from out of under for?"
25070 I lay my head on the railroad tracks,
25071 Waitin' for the double E.
25072 The railroad don't run no more.
25073 Poor poor pitiful me. [chorus]
25074 Poor poor pitiful me, poor poor pitiful me.
25075 These young girls won't let me be,
25076 Lord have mercy on me!
25079 Well, I met a girl, West Hollywood,
25080 Well, I ain't naming names.
25081 But she really worked me over good,
25082 She was just like Jesse James.
25083 She really worked me over good,
25084 She was a credit to her gender.
25085 She put me through some changes, boy,
25086 Sort of like a Waring blender. [chorus]
25088 I met a girl at the Rainbow Bar,
25089 She asked me if I'd beat her.
25090 She took me back to the Hyatt House,
25091 I don't want to talk about it. [chorus]
25092 -- Warren Zevon, "Poor Poor Pitiful Me"
25094 I learned to play guitar just to get the girls, and anyone who says they
25095 didn't is just lyin'!
25098 "I like being single. I'm always there when I need me."
25101 I like myself, but I won't say I'm as handsome as the bull
25102 that kidnapped Europa.
25103 -- Marcus Tullius Cicero
25105 I like to believe that people in the long run are going to do more to
25106 promote peace than our governments. Indeed, I think that people want
25107 peace so much that one of these days governments had better get out of
25108 the way and let them have it.
25109 -- Dwight D. Eisenhower
25111 "I like work ... I can sit and watch it for hours."
25113 I like work; it fascinates me; I can sit and look at it for hours.
25115 I like young girls. Their stories are shorter.
25118 "I like your game but we have to change the rules."
25120 I live the way I type; fast, with a lot of mistakes.
25122 I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts
25123 to bite people themselves.
25124 -- August Strindberg
25126 I look at life as being cruise director on the Titanic.
25127 I may not get there, but I'm going first class.
25130 I love being married. It's so great to find that one special
25131 person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
25134 I love children. Especially when they cry -- for then
25135 someone takes them away.
25138 I love dogs, but I hate Chihuahuas. A Chihuahua isn't a dog.
25139 It's a rat with a thyroid problem.
25141 I love mankind ... It's people I hate.
25144 I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I've ever known.
25147 "I love Saturday morning cartoons, what classic humour! This is what
25148 entertainment is all about ... Idiots, explosives and falling anvils."
25149 -- Calvin and Hobbes, Bill Watterson
25151 I love the smell of napalm in the morning.
25152 -- Robert Duval, "Apocalypse Now"
25154 "I love to eat them Smurfies
25155 Smurfies what I love to eat
25156 Bite they ugly heads off,
25157 Nibble on they bluish feet."
25159 I love treason but hate a traitor.
25160 -- Gaius Julius Caesar
25162 I love you more than anything in this world. I don't expect that will last.
25165 I love you, not only for what you are,
25166 but for what I am when I am with you.
25169 I loved her with a love thirsty and desperate. I felt that we two might
25170 commit some act so atrocious that the world, seeing us, would find it
25172 -- Gene Wolfe, "The Shadow of the Torturer"
25174 I married beneath me. All women do.
25175 -- Lady Nancy Astor
25177 "I may appear to be just sitting here like a bucket of tapioca, but
25178 don't let appearances fool you. I'm approaching old age ... at the
25180 -- Prof. Cosmo Fishhawk
25182 I may be getting older, but I refuse to grow up!
25184 I may kid around about drugs, but really, I take them seriously.
25187 "I may not be totally perfect, but parts of me are excellent."
25188 -- Ashleigh Brilliant
25190 I met a wonderful new man. He's fictional, but you can't have everything.
25191 -- Cecelia, "The Purple Rose of Cairo"
25193 I met him in a swamp down in Dagobah
25194 Where it bubbles all the time like a giant cabinet soda
25196 I saw the little runt sitting there on a log
25197 I asked him his name and in a raspy voice he said Yoda
25198 Y-O-D-A Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda
25200 Well I've been around but I ain't never seen
25201 A guy who looks like a Muppet but he's wrinkled and green
25202 Oh my Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda
25203 Well I'm not dumb but I can't understand
25204 How he can raise me in the air just by raising his hand
25205 Oh my Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda
25206 -- The STAR WARS Song, to "Lola", by the Kinks
25208 I met my latest girl friend in a department store. She was looking at
25209 clothes, and I was putting Slinkys on the escalators.
25212 I might have gone to West Point, but I was too proud to speak to a
25216 I must Create a System, or be enslav'd by another Man's;
25217 I will not Reason and Compare; my business is to Create.
25218 -- William Blake, "Jerusalem"
25220 I must get out of these wet clothes and into a dry Martini.
25221 -- Alexander Woollcott
25223 "I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a
25224 week sometimes to make it up."
25225 -- Mark Twain, "The Innocents Abroad"
25227 I must have slipped a disk -- my pack hurts
25229 I myself have dreamed up a structure intermediate between Dyson spheres
25230 and planets. Build a ring 93 million miles in radius -- one Earth orbit
25231 -- around the sun. If we have the mass of Jupiter to work with, and if
25232 we make it a thousand miles wide, we get a thickness of about a thousand
25235 And it has advantages. The Ringworld will be much sturdier than a Dyson
25236 sphere. We can spin it on its axis for gravity. A rotation speed of 770
25237 m/s will give us a gravity of one Earth normal. We wouldn't even need to
25238 roof it over. Place walls one thousand miles high at each edge, facing the
25239 sun. Very little air will leak over the edges.
25241 Lord knows the thing is roomy enough. With three million times the surface
25242 area of the Earth, it will be some time before anyone complains of the
25244 -- Larry Niven, "Ringworld"
25246 I need another lawyer like I need another hole in my head.
25249 I needed the good will of the legislature of four states. I formed the
25250 legislative bodies with my own money. I found that it was cheaper that
25254 I never cheated an honest man, only rascals. They wanted
25255 something for nothing. I gave them nothing for something.
25256 -- Joseph "Yellow Kid" Weil
25258 I never deny, I never contradict. I sometimes forget.
25259 -- Benjamin Disraeli, British PM, on dealing with the
25262 I never did it that way before.
25264 I never expected to see the day when girls would get sunburned in the
25265 places they do today.
25268 "I never fail to convince an audience that the best thing they could do
25271 I never failed to convince an audience that the best thing they
25272 could do was to go away.
25274 I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception.
25277 I never killed a man that didn't deserve it.
25280 I never loved another person the way I loved myself.
25283 I never made a mistake in my life.
25284 I thought I did once, but I was wrong.
25287 I never met a man I didn't want to fight.
25288 -- Lyle Alzado, professional football lineman
25290 "I never met a piece of chocolate I didn't like."
25292 I never pray before meals -- my mom's a good cook.
25294 I never said all Democrats were saloonkeepers;
25295 what I said was all saloonkeepers were Democrats.
25297 I never saw a purple cow
25298 I never hope to see one
25299 But I can tell you anyhow
25300 I'd rather see than be one.
25303 I've never seen a purple cow
25304 I never hope to see one
25305 But from the milk we're getting now
25306 There certainly must be one
25309 Ah, yes, I wrote "The Purple Cow"
25310 I'm sorry now I wrote it
25311 But I can tell you anyhow
25312 I'll kill you if you quote it.
25313 -- Gellett Burgess, many years later
25315 I never take work home with me; I always leave it in some bar along the way.
25317 I never vote for anyone. I always vote against.
25320 I often quote myself; it adds spice to my conversation.
25321 -- George Bernard Shaw
25323 I only know what I read in the papers.
25326 "I only touch base with reality on an as-needed basis!"
25327 -- Royal Floyd Mengot (Klaus)
25329 I opened the drawer of my little desk and a single letter fell out, a
25330 letter from my mother, written in pencil, one of her last, with unfinished
25331 words and an implicit sense of her departure. It's so curious: one can
25332 resist tears and "behave" very well in the hardest hours of grief. But
25333 then someone makes you a friendly sign behind a window... or one notices
25334 that a flower that was in bud only yesterday has suddenly blossomed... or
25335 a letter slips from a drawer... and everything collapses.
25336 -- Letters From Colette
25339 It's off to work I go...
25341 I owe the government $3400 in taxes. So I sent them two hammers and a
25345 I owe the public nothing.
25348 I place economy among the first and most important virtues, and public debt as
25349 the greatest of dangers to be feared. To preserve our independence, we must
25350 not let our rulers load us with perpetual debt. If we run into such debts, we
25351 must be taxed in our meat and drink, in our necessities and in our comforts,
25352 in our labor and in our amusements. If we can prevent the government from
25353 wasting the labor of the people, under the pretense of caring for them, they
25355 -- Thomas Jefferson
25357 I played lead guitar in a band called The Federal Duck, which is the kind
25358 of name that was popular in the '60s as a result of controlled substances
25359 being in widespread use. Back then, there were no restrictions, in terms
25360 of talent, on who could make an album, so we made one, and it sounds like
25361 a group of people who have been given powerful but unfamiliar instruments
25362 as a therapy for a degenerative nerve disease.
25365 "I played lead guitar in a band called The Federal Duck, which is the
25366 kind of name that was popular in the '60s as a result of controlled
25367 substances being in widespread use. Back then, there were no
25368 restrictions, in terms of talent, on who could make an album, so we
25369 made one, and it sounds like a group of people who have been given
25370 powerful but unfamiliar instruments as a therapy for a degenerative
25372 -- Dave Barry, "The Snake"
25374 I pledge allegiance to the flag
25375 of the United States of America
25376 and to the republic for which it stands,
25380 and justice for all.
25381 -- Francis Bellamy, 1892
25383 I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
25386 I predict that today will be remembered until tomorrow!
25388 I prefer rogues to imbeciles because they sometimes take a rest.
25389 -- Alexandre Dumas the Younger
25391 I prefer the most unjust peace to the most righteous war.
25394 Even peace may be purchased at too high a price.
25397 "I profoundly believe it takes a lot of practice to become a moral
25399 -- William F. Buckley
25401 I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats
25402 on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
25405 I put instant coffee in my microwave oven and almost went back in time.
25408 I put the shotgun in an Adidas bag and padded it out with four pairs of
25409 tennis socks, not my style at all, but that was what I was aiming for: If
25410 they think you're crude, go technical; if they think you're technical, go
25411 crude. I'm a very technical boy. So I decided to get as crude as possible.
25412 These days, though, you have to be pretty technical before you can even
25413 aspire to crudeness.
25414 -- William Gibson, "Johnny Mnemonic"
25416 I put up my thumb... and it blotted out the planet Earth.
25419 I quite agree with you, said the Duchess; and the moral of that is -- "Be
25420 what you would seem to be" -- or, if you'd like it put more simply -- "Never
25421 imagine yourself not to be otherwise than what it might appear to others
25422 that what you were or might have been was not otherwise than what you had
25423 been would have appeared to them to be otherwise."
25425 I read a column by George Will that Scarface should be rated X because
25426 parents were taking their children to see it. So what? Why should the
25427 motion-picture industry be responsible for our morality?
25428 Dad says to Mom, "Honey, Scarface is in town."
25430 "Human scum who kill each other over cocaine deals."
25431 "Sounds great! Let's take the kids!"
25434 I read Playboy for the same reason I read National Geographic.
25435 To see the sights I'm never going to visit.
25437 I read the newspaper avidly. It is my one form of continuous fiction.
25440 I realize that the MX missile is none of our concern. I realize that
25441 the whole point of living in a democracy is that we pay professional
25442 congresspersons to concern themselves with things like the MX missile
25443 so we can be free to concern ourselves with getting hold of the
25446 But from time to time, I feel I must address major public issues such
25447 as this, because in a free and open society, where the very future of
25448 the world hinges on decisions made by our elected leaders, you never
25449 win large cash journalism awards if you stick to the topics I usually
25450 write about, such as nose-picking.
25451 -- Dave Barry, "At Last, the Ultimate Deterrent Against
25454 I really had to act; 'cause I didn't have any lines.
25455 -- Marilyn Chambers
25457 I really hate this damned machine
25458 I wish that they would sell it.
25459 It never does quite what I want
25460 But only what I tell it.
25462 I really look with commiseration over the great body of my fellow citizens
25463 who, reading newspapers, live and die in the belief that they have known
25464 something of what has been passing in the world in their time.
25465 -- Thomas Jefferson
25467 I recently moved into a new apartment, and there was this switch on the
25468 wall that didn't do anything... so anytime I had nothing to do, I'd just
25469 flick that switch up and down... up and down... up and down...
25470 Then one day I got a letter from a woman in Germany... it just said
25474 I recognize terror as the finest emotion and so I will try to terrorize the
25475 reader. But if I find that I cannot terrify, I will try to horrify, and if
25476 I find that I cannot horrify, I'll go for the gross-out.
25479 I refuse to consign the whole male sex to the nursery. I insist on
25480 believing that some men are my equals.
25483 "I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person."
25485 I remember once being on a station platform in Cleveland at four in the
25486 morning. A black porter was carrying my bags, and as we were waiting for
25487 the train to come in, he said to me: "Excuse me, Mr. Cooke, I don't want to
25488 invade your privacy, but I have a bet with a friend of mine. Who composed
25489 the opening theme music of `Omnibus'? My friend said Virgil Thomson." I
25490 asked him, "What do you say?" He replied, "I say Aaron Copeland." I said,
25491 "You're right." The porter said, "I knew Thomson doesn't write counterpoint
25492 that way." I told that to a network president, and he was deeply unimpressed.
25495 I remember Ulysses well... Left one day for the post office
25496 to mail a letter, met a blonde named Circe on the streetcar,
25497 and didn't come back for 20 years.
25499 I remember when legal used to mean lawful, now it means some
25503 I replaced the headlights on my car with strobe lights. Now it
25504 looks like I'm the only one moving.
25507 I respect faith, but doubt is what gives you an education.
25510 I respect the institution of marriage. I have always thought that every
25511 woman should marry -- and no man.
25512 -- Benjamin Disraeli, "Lothair"
25514 I reverently believe that the maker who made us all makes everything in New
25515 England, but the weather. I don't know who makes that, but I think it must be
25516 raw apprentices in the weather-clerks factory who experiment and learn how, in
25517 New England, for board and clothes, and then are promoted to make weather for
25518 countries that require a good article, and will take their custom elsewhere
25519 if they don't get it.
25522 "I said, "Preacher, give me strength for round 5."
25523 He said,"What you need is to grow up, son."
25524 I said,"Growin' up leads to growin' old,
25525 And then to dying, and to me that don't sound like much fun."
25526 -- John Cougar, "The Authority Song"
25528 I sat down beside her, said hello, offered to buy her a drink...
25529 and then natural selection reared its ugly head.
25531 I saw a man pursuing the Horizon,
25532 'Round and round they sped.
25533 I was disturbed at this,
25534 I accosted the man,
25535 "It is futile," I said.
25537 "You lie!" He cried,
25541 I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
25544 I saw Lassie. It took me four shows to figure out why the hairy kid
25545 never spoke. I mean, he could roll over and all that, but did that
25548 I saw what you did and I know who you are.
25550 I see a bad moon rising.
25551 I see trouble on the way.
25552 I see earthquakes and lightnin'
25553 I see bad times today.
25554 Don't go 'round tonight,
25555 It's bound to take your life.
25556 There's a bad moon on the rise.
25557 -- J. C. Fogerty, "Bad Moon Rising"
25559 I see a good deal of talk from Washington about lowering taxes. I hope
25560 they do get 'em lowered enough so people can afford to pay 'em.
25563 I see the eigenvalue in thine eye,
25564 I hear the tender tensor in thy sigh.
25565 Bernoulli would have been content to die
25566 Had he but known such _
\ba-squared cos 2(phi)!
25567 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
25569 I see where we are starting to pay some attention to our neighbors to
25570 the south. We could never understand why Mexico wasn't just crazy about
25571 us; for we have always had their good will, and oil and minerals, at heart.
25572 -- The Best of Will Rogers
25574 I sent a letter to the fish,
25575 I told them, "This is what I wish."
25576 The little fishes of the sea,
25577 They sent an answer back to me.
25578 The little fishes' answer was
25579 "We cannot do it, sir, because ..."
25580 I sent a letter back to say
25581 It would be better to obey.
25582 But someone came to me and said
25583 "The little fishes are in bed."
25584 I said to him, and I said it plain
25585 "Then you must wake them up again."
25586 I said it very loud and clear,
25587 I went and shouted in his ear.
25588 But he was very stiff and proud,
25589 He said "You needn't shout so loud."
25590 And he was very proud and stiff,
25591 He said "I'll go and wake them if ..."
25592 I took a kettle from the shelf,
25593 I went to wake them up myself.
25594 But when I found the door was locked
25595 I pulled and pushed and kicked and knocked,
25596 And when I found the door was shut,
25597 I tried to turn the handle, But ...
25599 "Is that all?" asked Alice.
25600 "That is all." said Humpty Dumpty. "Goodbye."
25601 -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass"
25603 I sent a message to another time,
25604 But as the days unwind -- this I just can't believe,
25605 I sent a message to another plane,
25606 Maybe it's all a game -- but this I just can't conceive.
25608 I met someone who looks at lot like you,
25609 She does the things you do, but she is an IBM.
25610 She's only programmed to be very nice,
25611 But she's as cold as ice, whenever I get too near,
25612 She tells me that she likes me very much,
25613 But when I try to touch, she makes it all too clear.
25615 I realize that it must seem so strange,
25616 That time has rearranged, but time has the final word,
25617 She knows I think of you, she reads my mind,
25618 She tries to be unkind, she knows nothing of our world.
25619 -- ELO, "Yours Truly, 2095"
25621 I shall come to you in the night and we shall see who is stronger --
25622 a little girl who won't eat her dinner or a great big man with cocaine
25624 -- Sigmund Freud, in a letter to his fiancee
25626 I shall give a propagandist reason for starting the war, no matter whether
25627 it is plausible or not. The victor will not be asked afterwards whether
25628 he told the truth or not. When starting and waging war it is not right
25629 that matters, but victory.
25632 I shot an arrow in to the air, and it stuck.
25633 -- graffito in Los Angeles
25637 -- graffito in San Francisco
25639 There's so much pollution in the air now that if it weren't for our
25640 lungs there'd be no place to put it all.
25643 I shot an arrow into the air, and it stuck.
25644 -- Graffito in Los Angeles
25646 I should have been a country-western singer. After all, I'm older than
25647 most western countries.
25652 I sold my memoirs of my love life to Parker
25653 Brothers -- they're going to make a game out of it.
25656 I sometimes think that God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his
25660 I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
25663 "I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full
25664 house and four people died."
25668 -- Sam Giancana, explaining his livelihood to his draft board
25670 Easy. I own Chicago. I own Miami. I own Las Vegas.
25671 -- Sam Giancana, when asked what he did for a living
25673 I stick my neck out for nobody.
25674 -- Humphrey Bogart, "Casablanca"
25676 I stood on the leading edge,
25677 The eastern seaboard at my feet.
25678 "Jump!" said Yoko Ono
25679 I'm too scared and good-looking, I cried.
25680 Go on and give it a try,
25681 Why prolong the agony, all men must die.
25682 -- Roger Waters, "The Pros and Cons of Hitchhiking"
25684 "I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to
25685 see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph."
25688 I suggest a new strategy, R2: let the Wookiee win.
25691 I suggest you locate your hot tub outside your house, so it won't do
25692 too much damage if it catches fire or explodes. First you decide which
25693 direction your hot tub should face for maximum solar energy. After
25694 much trial and error, I have found that the best direction for a hot
25696 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
25698 I suppose I could collect my books and get on back to school,
25699 Or steal my daddy's cue and make a living out of playing pool,
25700 Or find myself a rock 'n' roll band,
25701 That needs a helping hand,
25702 Oh, Maggie I wish I'd never seen your face.
25703 -- Rod Stewart, "Maggie May"
25705 I suppose some of the variation between Boston drivers and the rest of the
25706 country is due to the progressive Massachusetts Driver Education Manual which
25707 I happen to have in my top desk drawer. Some of the Tips for Better Driving
25708 are worth considering, to wit:
25711 "When traveling on a one-way street, stay to the right, so as not
25712 to interfere with oncoming traffic."
25715 "Learning to change lanes takes time and patience. The best
25716 recommendation that can be made is to go to a Celtics [basketball]
25717 game; study the fast break and then go out and practice it
25721 "Never bump a baby carriage out of a crosswalk unless the kid's really
25724 I suppose some of the variation between Boston drivers and the rest of the
25725 country is due to the progressive Massachusetts Driver Education Manual which
25726 I happen to have in my top desk drawer. Some of the Tips for Better Driving
25727 are worth considering, to wit:
25730 "Directional signals are generally not used except during vehicle
25731 inspection; however, a left-turn signal is appropriate when making
25732 a U-turn on a divided highway."
25735 "When paying tolls, remember that it is necessary to release the
25736 quarter a full 3 seconds before passing the basket if you are
25737 traveling more than 60 MPH."
25740 "When traveling on a one-way street, stay to the right, so as not
25741 to interfere with oncoming traffic."
25743 I suppose some of the variation between Boston drivers and the rest of the
25744 country is due to the progressive Massachusetts Driver Education Manual which
25745 I happen to have in my top desk drawer. Some of the Tips for Better Driving
25746 are worth considering, to wit:
25749 "When competing for a section of road or a parking space, remember
25750 that the vehicle in need of the most body work has the right-of-way."
25753 "Although it is altogether possible to fit a 6' car into a 6'
25754 parking space, it is hardly ever possible to fit a 6' car into
25755 a 5' parking space."
25758 "Teenage drivers believe that they are immortal, and drive accordingly.
25759 Nevertheless, you should avoid the temptation to prove them wrong."
25761 I suppose that in a few hours I will sober up. That's such a sad
25762 thought. I think I'll have a few more drinks to prepare myself.
25764 "I suppose you expect me to talk."
25765 "No, Mr. Bond. I expect you to die."
25768 I tell them to turn to the study of mathematics, for it
25769 is only there that they might escape the lusts of the flesh.
25770 -- Thomas Mann, "The Magic Mountain"
25772 I tell ya, drugs never worked out for me. The first time I tried smoking
25773 pot I didn't know what I was doing. I smoked half the joint, got the
25774 munchies, and ate the other half.
25776 Well, the first time I tried coke I was so embarrassed. I kept getting the
25777 bottle stuck up my nose.
25778 -- Rodney Dangerfield
25780 I tell ya, gambling never agreed with me. Last week I went to the track
25781 and they shot my horse with the opening gun.
25783 Well, just last week I was at a Chinese restaurant and when I opened my
25784 fortune cookie I found the guy's check sitting at the next table. I said,
25785 "Hey, buddy, I got your check", he said, "Thanks."
25786 -- Rodney Dangerfield
25788 I tell ya, I knew my morning wasn't going right. When I put on my shirt
25789 the button fell off, when I picked up my briefcase, the handle fell off,
25790 I tell ya, I was afraid to go to the bathroom.
25791 -- Rodney Dangerfield
25793 I tell ya, I was an ugly kid. I was so ugly that my dad
25794 kept the kid's picture that came with the wallet he bought.
25795 -- Rodney Dangerfield
25797 I think... I think it's in my basement... Let me go upstairs and check.
25800 I think a relationship is like a shark. It has to constantly move forward
25801 or it dies. Well, what we have on our hands here is a dead shark.
25804 I think all right-thinking people in this country are sick and tired of
25805 being told that ordinary, decent people are fed up in this country with being
25806 sick and tired. I'm certainly not! But I'm sick and tired of being told
25810 "I think he said `Blessed are the cheesemakers.'"
25811 "Nonsense, he was obviously referring to all manufacturers of dairy products."
25812 -- The Life of Brian
25814 I think I'll snatch a kiss and flee.
25815 -- William Shakespeare
25817 I think I'm schizophrenic. One half of me's
25818 paranoid and the other half's out to get him.
25820 "I think it is true for all _
\bn. I was just playing it safe with _
\bn >= 3
25821 because I couldn't remember the proof."
25822 -- Baker, Pure Math 351a
25824 I THINK MAN INVENTED THE CAR by instinct.
25825 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican", 1988.
25827 "I think sex is better than logic, but I can't prove it."
25829 I think she must have been very strictly brought up, she's so
25830 desperately anxious to do the wrong thing correctly.
25831 -- H. H. Munro, a.k.a. Saki, "Reginald on Worries"
25833 I think that all good, right thinking people in this country are sick
25834 and tired of being told that all good, right thinking people in this
25835 country are fed up with being told that all good, right thinking people
25836 in this country are fed up with being sick and tired. I'm certainly
25837 not, and I'm sick and tired of being told that I am.
25840 I think that God in creating man somewhat overestimated his ability.
25843 I think that I shall never hear
25844 A poem lovelier than beer.
25845 The stuff that Joe's Bar has on tap,
25846 With golden base and snowy cap.
25847 The stuff that I can drink all day
25848 Until my mem'ry melts away.
25849 Poems are made by fools, I fear
25850 But only Schlitz can make a beer.
25852 I think that I shall never see
25853 A billboard lovely as a tree.
25854 Perhaps, unless the billboards fall
25855 I'll never see a tree at all.
25858 I think that I shall never see
25859 A thing as lovely as a tree.
25860 But as you see the trees have gone
25861 They went this morning with the dawn.
25862 A logging firm from out of town
25863 Came and chopped the trees all down.
25864 But I will trick those dirty skunks
25865 And write a brand new poem called "Trunks".
25867 "I think the sky is blue because it's a shift from black through purple
25868 to blue, and it has to do with where the light is. You know, the
25869 farther we get into darkness, and there's a shifting of color of light
25870 into the blueness, and I think as you go farther and farther away from
25871 the reflected light we have from the sun or the light that's bouncing
25872 off this earth, uh, the darker it gets ... I think if you look at the
25873 color scale, you start at black, move it through purple, move it on
25874 out, it's the shifting of color. We mentioned before about the stars
25875 singing, and that's one of the effects of the shifting of colors."
25876 -- Pat Robertson, The 700 Club
25878 I think the world is ready for the story of an ugly duckling, who grew up to
25879 remain an ugly duckling, and lived happily ever after.
25882 I think the world is run by C students.
25885 I think the world would be a more peaceful place if people
25886 could just keep their fingers out of the fortune files.
25887 -- Jordan K. Hubbard
25889 I THINK THERE SHOULD BE SOMETHING in science called the "reindeer effect."
25890 I don't know what it would be, but I think it'd be good to hear someone
25891 say, "Gentlemen, what we have here is a terrifying example of the reindeer
25893 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican", 1988.
25895 I think, therefore I am... I think.
25897 I think there's a world market for about five computers.
25898 -- attr. Thomas J. Watson (Chairman of the Board, IBM), 1943
25900 I THINK THEY SHOULD CONTINUE the policy of not giving a Nobel Prize for
25902 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican", 1988.
25904 I think we are in Rats Alley where the dead men lost their bones.
25907 I think we can all agree that there is not enough common courtesy shown
25908 ... HEY! PAY ATTENTION WHEN I'M TALKING TO YOU DAMMIT! I said I think
25909 we can all agree that there is not enough common courtesy shown today.
25910 When we take the time to be courteous to each other, we find that we
25911 are happier and less likely to engage in nuclear war. This point was
25912 driven home by the recent summit talks, where Nancy Reagan and Raisa
25913 Gorbachev, each of whose husband thinks the other's husband is vermin,
25914 were able to sit down at a high-level tea and engage in courteous
25916 -- Dave Barry, "The Stuff of Etiquette"
25918 I think we're all Bozos on this bus.
25919 -- Firesign Theatre
25921 I think we're in trouble.
25924 I think your opinions are reasonable,
25925 except for the one about my mental instability.
25926 -- Psychology Professor, Fairfield University
25928 "I thought that you said you were 20 years old!"
25929 "As a programmer, yes," she replied,
25930 "And you claimed to be very near two meters tall!"
25931 "You said you were blonde, but you lied!"
25932 Oh, she was a hacker and he was one, too,
25933 They had so much in common, you'd say.
25934 They exchanged jokes and poems, and clever new hacks,
25935 And prompts that were cute or risque'.
25936 He sent her a picture of his brother Sam,
25937 She sent one from some past high school day,
25938 And it might have gone on for the rest of their lives,
25939 If they hadn't met in L.A.
25940 "Your beard is an armpit," she said in disgust.
25941 He answered, "Your armpit's a beard!"
25942 And they chorused: "I think I could stand all the rest
25943 If you were not so totally weird!"
25944 If she had not said what he wanted to hear,
25945 And he had not done just the same,
25946 They'd have been far more honest, and never have met,
25947 And would not have had fun with the game.
25948 -- Judith Schrier, "Face to Face After Six Months of
25951 I thought there was something fishy about the butler. Probably a Pisces,
25953 -- Firesign Theatre, "The Further Adventures of Nick Danger"
25955 I thought YOU silenced the guard!
25957 "I thought you were trying to get into shape."
25958 "I am. The shape I've selected is a triangle."
25960 I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own."
25961 One of them said, "So will you."
25962 -- Rodney Dangerfield
25964 I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in
25965 twenty minutes. It's about Russia.
25968 I took a course in speed reading, learning to read straight down the middle
25969 of the page, and I was able to go through "War and Peace" in twenty minutes.
25973 I treasure this strange combination found in very few persons: a fierce
25974 desire for life as well as a lucid perception of the ultimate futility of
25976 -- Madeleine Gobeil
25978 I truly wish I could be a great surgeon or philosopher or author or anything
25979 constructive, but in all honesty I'd rather turn up my amplifier full blast
25980 and drown myself in the noise.
25981 -- Charles Schmid, the "Tucson Murderer"
25983 I trust the first lion he meets will do his duty.
25984 -- J. P. Morgan on Teddy Roosevelt's safari
25986 I try not to break the rules but merely to test their elasticity.
25989 I try to keep an open mind, but not so open that my brains fall out.
25990 -- Judge Harold T. Stone
25992 I turned my air conditioner the other way around, and it got cold out.
25993 The weatherman said "I don't understand it. I was supposed to be 80
25994 degrees today," and I said "Oops."
25996 In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above... so
25997 I never have to go upstairs.
25999 I just bought a microwave fireplace... You can spend an evening in
26000 front of it in only eight minutes.
26003 I understand why you're confused. You're thinking too much.
26006 I use not only all the brains I have, but all those I can borrow as well.
26009 I use technology in order to hate it more properly.
26012 I used to be a rebel in my youth.
26013 This cause... that cause... (chuckle) I backed 'em ALL! But I learned.
26014 Rebellion is simply a device used by the immature to hide from his own
26015 problems. So I lost interest in politics. Now when I feel aroused by
26016 a civil rights case or a passport hearing... I realize it's just a device.
26017 I go to my analyst and we work it out. You have no idea how much better
26021 I used to be an agnostic, but now I'm not so sure.
26023 I used to be disgusted, now I find I'm just amused.
26026 I used to be Snow White, but I drifted.
26029 I used to be such a sweet sweet thing, 'til they got a hold of me,
26030 I opened doors for little old ladies, I helped the blind to see,
26031 I got no friends 'cause they read the papers, they can't be seen,
26032 With me, and I'm feelin' real shot down,
26033 And I'm, uh, feelin' mean,
26034 No more, Mr. Nice Guy,
26035 No more, Mr. Clean,
26036 No more, Mr. Nice Guy,
26037 They say "He's sick, he's obscene".
26039 My dog bit me on the leg today, my cat clawed my eyes,
26040 Ma's been thrown out of the social circle, and Dad has to hide,
26041 I went to church, incognito, when everybody rose,
26042 The reverend Smithy, he recognized me,
26043 And punched me in the nose, he said,
26045 He said "You're sick, you're obscene".
26046 -- Alice Cooper, "No More Mr. Nice Guy"
26048 "I used to get high on life but lately I've built up a resistance."
26050 I used to have a drinking problem.
26051 Now I love the stuff.
26053 I used to live in a house by the freeway. When I went anywhere, I had
26054 to be going 65 MPH by the end of my driveway.
26056 I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights. Now it looks
26057 like I'm the only one moving.
26059 I was pulled over for speeding today. The officer said, "Don't you know
26060 the speed limit is 55 miles an hour?" And I said, "Yes, but I wasn't going
26061 to be out that long."
26063 I put a new engine in my car, but didn't take the old one out. Now
26064 my car goes 500 miles an hour.
26067 I used to think I was a child; now I think I am an adult -- not because
26068 I no longer do childish things, but because those I call adults are no
26069 more mature than I am.
26071 "I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure."
26073 I used to think romantic love was a neurosis shared by two, a supreme
26074 foolishness. I no longer thought that. There's nothing foolish in
26075 loving anyone. Thinking you'll be loved in return is what's foolish.
26078 "I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my
26079 body. Then I realized who was telling me this."
26082 I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere
26086 I value kindness to human beings first of all, and kindness to
26087 animals. I don't respect the law; I have a total irreverence for
26088 anything connected with society except that which makes the roads
26089 safer, the beer stronger, the food cheaper, and old men and women
26090 warmer in the winter, and happier in the summer.
26093 I waited and waited and when no message came I knew it must be from you.
26095 I want to be the white man's brother, not his brother-in-law.
26096 -- Martin Luther King, Jr.
26098 "I want to buy a husband who, every week when I sit down to watch `St.
26099 Elsewhere', won't scream, `FORGET IT, BLANCHE ... IT'S TIME FOR "HEE
26101 -- Berke Breathed, "Bloom County"
26103 I want to buy a husband who, every week when I sit down to watch "St.
26104 Elsewhere", won't scream, "Forget it, Blanche... It's time for Hee-Haw!"
26106 I want to kill everyone here with a cute colorful Hydrogen Bomb!!
26107 -- Zippy the Pinhead
26109 I want to marry a girl just like the girl that married dear old dad.
26112 I want to reach your mind -- where is it currently located?
26114 I was appalled by this story of the destruction of a member of a valued
26115 endangered species. It's all very well to celebrate the practicality of
26116 pigs by ennobling the porcine sibling who constructed his home out of
26117 bricks and mortar. But to wantonly destroy a wolf, even one with an
26118 excessive taste for porkers, is unconscionable in these ecologically
26119 critical times when both man and his domestic beasts continue to maraud
26121 Sylvia Kamerman, "Book Reviewing"
26123 I was at this restaurant. The sign said "Breakfast Anytime." So I
26124 ordered French Toast in the Renaissance.
26127 I was born because it was a habit in those days, people didn't know
26128 anything else ... I was not a Child Prodigy, because a Child Prodigy is
26129 a child who knows as much when it is a child as it does when it grows
26133 I was born in a barrel of butcher knives
26134 Trouble I love and peace I despise
26135 Wild horses kicked me in my side
26136 Then a rattlesnake bit me and he walked off and died.
26139 "I was drunk last night, crawled home across the lawn. By accident I
26140 put the car key in the door lock. The house started up. So I figured
26141 what the hell, and drove it around the block a few times. I thought I
26142 should go park it in the middle of the freeway and yell at everyone to
26143 get off my driveway."
26146 I was eatin' some chop suey,
26147 With a lady in St. Louie,
26148 When there sudden comes a knockin' at the door.
26149 And that knocker, he says, "Honey,
26150 Roll this rocker out some money,
26151 Or your daddy shoots a baddie to the floor."
26154 "I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I
26158 I was in a bar and I walked up to a beautiful woman and said, "Do you live
26159 around here often?" She said, "You're wearing two different-color socks."
26160 I said, "Yes, but to me they're the same because I go by thickness."
26161 She said, "How do you feel?" And I said, "You know when you're sitting on a
26162 chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs and you lean too far so
26163 you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like
26164 that all the time..."
26165 -- Steven Wright, "Gentlemen's Quarterly"
26167 I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in
26168 the mouth by Miss Congeniality.
26171 I was in accord with the system so long as it
26172 permitted me to function effectively.
26175 I was in this prematurely air conditioned supermarket and there were all
26176 these aisles and there were these bathing caps you could buy that had these
26177 kind of Fourth of July plumes on them that were red and yellow and blue and
26178 I wasn't tempted to buy one but I was reminded of the fact that I had been
26179 avoiding the beach.
26180 -- Lucinda Childs "Einstein On The Beach"
26182 I was in Vegas last week. I was at the roulette table, having a
26183 lengthy argument about what I considered an Odd number.
26186 I was offered a job as a hoodlum and I turned it down cold. A thief is
26187 anybody who gets out and works for his living, like robbing a bank or
26188 breaking into a place and stealing stuff, or kidnapping somebody. He really
26189 gives some effort to it. A hoodlum is a pretty lousy sort of scum. He
26190 works for gangsters and bumps guys off when they have been put on the spot.
26191 Why, after I'd made my rep, some of the Chicago Syndicate wanted me to work
26192 for them as a hood -- you know, handling a machine gun. They offered me
26193 two hundred and fifty dollars a week and all the protection I needed. I
26194 was on the lam at the time and not able to work at my regular line. But
26195 I wouldn't consider it. "I'm a thief," I said. "I'm no lousy hoodlum."
26196 -- Alvin Karpis, "Public Enemy Number One"
26198 I was part of that strange race of people aptly described as spending
26199 their lives doing things they detest to make money they don't want to
26200 buy things they don't need to impress people they dislike.
26201 -- Emile Henry Gauvreay
26203 "I was playing poker the other night ... with Tarot cards. I got a full
26204 house and four people died."
26207 I was the best I ever had.
26210 I was toilet-trained at gunpoint.
26213 I was working on a case. It had to be a case, because I couldn't afford a
26214 desk. Then I saw her. This tall blond lady. She must have been tall
26215 because I was on the third floor. She rolled her deep blue eyes towards
26216 me. I picked them up and rolled them back. We kissed. She screamed. I
26217 took the cigarette from my mouth and kissed her again.
26219 I wasn't kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth.
26222 I watch television because you don't know what it will do if you leave it
26225 I went home with a waitress,
26226 The way I always do.
26227 How I was I to know?
26228 She was with the Russians too.
26230 I was gambling in Havana,
26231 I took a little risk.
26232 Send lawyers, guns, and money,
26233 Dad, get me out of this.
26234 -- Warren Zevon, "Lawyers, Guns and Money"
26236 "I went into a general store, and they wouldn't sell me anything
26240 I went into the business for the money, and the art grew out of it.
26241 If people are disillusioned by that remark, I can't help it.
26245 I went on to test the program in every way I could devise. I strained
26246 it to expose its weaknesses. I ran it for high-mass stars and low-mass
26247 stars, for stars born exceedingly hot and those born relatively cold.
26248 I ran it assuming the superfluid currents beneath the crust to be
26249 absent -- not because I wanted to know the answer, but because I had
26250 developed an intuitive feel for the answer in this particular case.
26251 Finally I got a run in which the computer showed the pulsar's
26252 temperature to be less than absolute zero. I had found an error. I
26253 chased down the error and fixed it. Now I had improved the program to
26254 the point where it would not run at all.
26255 -- George Greenstein, "Frozen Star: Of Pulsars, Black
26256 Holes and the Fate of Stars"
26258 I went over to my friend, he was eatin' a pickle.
26259 I said "Hi, what's happenin'?"
26261 Try to sing this song with that kind of enthusiasm;
26262 As if you just squashed a cop.
26263 -- Arlo Guthrie, "Motorcycle Song"
26265 I went to a Grateful Dead Concert and they played for SEVEN hours.
26269 "I went to a job interview the other day, the guy asked me if I had any
26270 questions, I said yes, just one, if you're in a car traveling at the
26271 speed of light and you turn your headlights on, does anything happen?
26273 He said he couldn't answer that, I told him sorry, but I couldn't work
26277 I went to a place to eat. It said `BREAKFAST ANYTIME.' So I ordered
26278 French toast during the Renaissance.
26281 I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time."
26282 So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
26285 I went to my first computer conference at the New York Hilton about 20
26286 years ago. When somebody there predicted the market for microprocessors
26287 would eventually be in the millions, someone else said, "Where are they
26288 all going to go? It's not like you need a computer in every doorknob!"
26290 Years later, I went back to the same hotel. I noticed the room keys had
26291 been replaced by electronic cards you slide into slots in the doors.
26293 There was a computer in every doorknob.
26296 I went to my mother and told her I intended to commence a different life.
26297 I asked for and obtained her blessing and at once commenced the career
26299 -- Tiburcio Vasquez
26301 "I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in
26302 the shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't
26306 "I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the
26307 statues that are in all the other museums."
26310 I went to the race track once and bet on a horse that was so good that
26311 it took seven others to beat him!
26313 I will always love the false image I had of you.
26315 I will follow the good side right to the fire,
26316 but not into it if I can help it.
26317 -- Michel Eyquem de Montaigne
26319 I will honour Christmas in my heart, and try to keep it all the
26320 year. I will live in the Past, the Present, and the Future. The
26321 Spirits of all Three shall strive within me. I will not shut out
26322 the lessons that they teach. Oh, tell me that I may sponge away the
26323 writing on this stone!
26326 I will make you shorter by the head.
26329 I will never lie to you.
26331 I will not be briefed or debriefed, my underwear is my own.
26335 I will not get drunk!
26337 I will not in public!
26339 I will not fall down!
26341 I will fall face down so that they cannot see my company badge.
26343 I will not forget you.
26345 I will not play at tug o' war.
26346 I'd rather play at hug o' war,
26347 Where everyone hugs
26349 Where everyone giggles
26350 And rolls on the rug,
26351 Where everyone kisses,
26352 And everyone grins,
26353 And everyone cuddles,
26355 -- Shel Silverstein, "Hug O' War"
26357 I will not say that women have no character; rather, they have a new
26361 I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when he came to town,
26362 we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad.
26365 I WISH I HAD A KRYPTONITE CROSS, because then you could keep both Dracula
26367 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican", 1988.
26369 I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence.
26370 There's a knob called "brightness", but it doesn't seem to work.
26373 "I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence.
26374 There's a knob called `brightness', but it doesn't work."
26377 I wish there was a knob on the TV where you could turn up the
26378 intelligence. They've got one called brightness, but it doesn't
26382 I wish you humans would leave me alone.
26384 I wish you were a Scotch on the rocks.
26386 I woke up a feelin' mean
26387 went down to play the slot machine
26388 the wheels turned round,
26389 and the letters read
26390 "Better head back to Tennessee Jed"
26393 I woke up this morning and discovered that everything in my apartment
26394 had been stolen and replaced with an exact replica. I told my roommate,
26395 "Isn't this amazing? Everything in the apartment has been stolen and
26396 replaced with an exact replica." He said, "Do I know you?"
26399 "I wonder", he said to himself, "what's in a book while it's closed. Oh, I
26400 know it's full of letters printed on paper, but all the same, something must
26401 be happening, because as soon as I open it, there's a whole story with people
26402 I don't know yet and all kinds of adventures and battles."
26405 I wonder what the leash and collar set does for excitement?
26406 -- Tramp, "Lady and the Tramp"
26408 I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me,
26409 "If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?"
26412 I would be batting the big feller if they wasn't ready with the other one,
26413 but a left-hander would be the thing if they wouldn't have knowed it already
26414 because there is more things involved than could come up on the road, even
26415 after we've been home a long while.
26418 I would gladly raise my voice in praise of women,
26419 only they won't let me raise my voice.
26422 I would have made a good pope.
26425 I would have promised those terrorists a trip to Disneyland if it would have
26426 gotten the hostages released. I thank God they were satisfied with the
26427 missiles and we didn't have to go to that extreme.
26430 I would have you imagine, then, that there exists in the mind of man a block
26431 of wax... and that we remember and know what is imprinted as long as the
26432 image lasts; but when the image is effaced, or cannot be taken, then we
26433 forget or do not know.
26434 -- Plato, Dialogs, Theateus 191
26436 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
26437 referring to image activation and termination.]
26439 I would like the government to do all it can to mitigate, then, in
26440 understanding, in mutuality of interest, in concern for the common good,
26441 our tasks will be solved.
26442 -- Warren G. Harding
26444 I would like to electrocute everyone who uses the word "fair" in connection
26445 with income tax policies.
26446 -- William F. Buckley
26448 I would like to know
26449 What I was fencing in
26450 And what I was fencing out.
26453 I would much rather have men ask why
26454 I have no statue, than why I have one.
26455 -- Marcus Porcius Cato
26457 I would not like to be a political leader in Russia. They never know when
26458 they're being taped.
26461 I love America. You always hurt the one you love.
26462 -- David Frye impersonating Nixon
26464 I would rather be a serf in a poor man's house
26465 and be above ground than reign among the dead.
26466 -- Achilles, "The Odyssey", XI, 489-91
26468 I would rather say that a desire to drive fast
26469 sports cars is what sets man apart from the animals.
26471 I wouldn't be so paranoid if you weren't all out to get me!!
26473 I wouldn't marry her with a ten foot pole.
26475 "I wouldn't recommend sex, drugs or insanity for everyone, but they've
26476 always worked for me."
26477 -- Hunter S. Thompson
26479 I wrecked trains because I like to see people die. I like to hear
26481 -- Sylvestre Matuschka, "the Hungarian Train Wreck Freak",
26482 escaped prison 1937, not heard from since
26499 [Internation Business Machines Corp.] Also known as Itty Bitty
26500 Machines or The Lawyer's Friend. The dominant force in computer
26501 marketing, having supplied worldwide some 75% of all known hardware
26502 and 10% of all software. To protect itself from the litigious envy
26503 of less successful organizations, such as the US government, IBM
26504 employs 68% of all known ex-Attorneys' General.
26508 Idiots Become Managers
26510 Impossible to Buy Machine
26511 Incredibly Big Machine
26512 Industry's Biggest Mistake
26513 International Brotherhood of Mercenaries
26514 It Boggles the Mind
26515 It's Better Manually
26516 Itty-Bitty Machines
26518 IBM Advanced Systems Group -- a bunch of mindless jerks,
26519 who'll be first against the wall when the revolution comes...
26520 -- with regrets to Douglas Adams
26523 Its syntax worse than JOSS;
26524 And everywhere this language went,
26525 It was a total loss.
26527 IBM: It may be slow, but it's hard to use.
26529 IBM Pollyanna Principle:
26530 Machines should work. People should think.
26532 IBM's original motto:
26533 Cogito ergo vendo; vendo ergo sum.
26535 I'd be a poorer man if I'd never seen an eagle fly.
26538 [I saw an eagle fly once. Fortunately, I had my eagle fly swatter handy. Ed.]
26540 "I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous."
26542 I'd horsewhip you if I had a horse.
26545 I'd just as soon kiss a Wookiee.
26546 -- Princess Leia Organa
26548 I'D LIKE TO BE BURIED INDIAN-STYLE, where they put you up on a high rack,
26549 above the ground. That way, you could get hit by meteorites and not even
26551 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican", 1988.
26553 I'd like to meet the guy who invented beer and see what he's working on now.
26555 I'd like to see the government get out of war altogether and leave the
26556 whole field to private industry.
26559 "I'd love to go out with you, but I did my own thing and now I've got
26562 "I'd love to go out with you, but I have to floss my cat."
26564 "I'd love to go out with you, but I have to stay home and see if I
26567 "I'd love to go out with you, but I never go out on days that end in
26570 "I'd love to go out with you, but I want to spend more time with my
26573 "I'd love to go out with you, but I'm attending the opening of my
26576 "I'd love to go out with you, but I'm converting my calendar watch from
26577 Julian to Gregorian."
26579 "I'd love to go out with you, but I'm doing door-to-door collecting for
26582 "I'd love to go out with you, but I'm having all my plants neutered."
26584 "I'd love to go out with you, but I'm staying home to work on my
26585 cottage cheese sculpture."
26587 "I'd love to go out with you, but I'm taking punk totem pole carving."
26589 "I'd love to go out with you, but it's my parakeet's bowling night."
26591 "I'd love to go out with you, but I've been scheduled for a karma
26594 "I'd love to go out with you, but my favorite commercial is on TV."
26596 "I'd love to go out with you, but the last time I went out, I never
26599 "I'd love to go out with you, but the man on television told me to stay
26602 "I'd love to go out with you, but there are important world issues that
26603 need worrying about."
26605 I'd love to kiss you, but I just washed my hair.
26606 -- Bette Davis, "Cabin in the Cotton"
26608 I'd never cry if I did find
26609 A blue whale in my soup...
26610 Nor would I mind a porcupine
26611 Inside a chicken coop.
26612 Yes life is fine when things combine,
26613 Like ham in beef chow mein...
26614 But lord, this time I think I mind,
26615 They've put acid in my rain.
26618 I'd never join any club that would have the likes of me as a member.
26621 I'd probably settle for a vampire if he were romantic enough.
26622 Couldn't be any worse than some of the relationships I've had.
26625 I'd rather be led to hell than managed to heaven.
26627 "I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy."
26629 I'd rather have a free bottle in front of me than a prefrontal lobotomy.
26632 [Also attributed to S. Clay Wilson. Ed.]
26634 I'd rather have two girls at 21 each than one girl at 42.
26637 I'd rather just believe that it's done by little elves running around.
26639 I'd rather laugh with the sinners,
26640 Than cry with the saints,
26641 The sinners are much more fun!
26642 -- Billy Joel, "Only The Good Die Young"
26644 I'd rather push my Harley than ride a rice burner.
26646 Idaho state law makes it illegal for a man to give his sweetheart a box
26647 of candy weighing less than fifty pounds.
26649 Ideas don't stay in some minds very long because they don't like
26650 solitary confinement.
26652 Identify your visitor.
26655 The part of the envelope that tells a person where to place
26656 the stamp when they can't quite figure it out for themselves.
26657 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
26660 The part of the envelope that tells a person where to place the
26661 stamp when they can't quite figure it out for themselves.
26662 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
26665 A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence
26666 in human affairs has always been dominant and controlling.
26669 A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in human
26670 affairs has always been dominant and controlling.
26671 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
26674 Leisure gone to seed.
26676 Idleness is the holiday of fools.
26678 If A = B and B = C, then A = C, except where void or prohibited by law.
26681 If a 6600 used paper tape instead of core memory, it would use up tape
26682 at about 30 miles/second.
26683 -- Grishman, Assembly Language Programming
26685 "If a camel flies, no one laughs if it doesn't get very far."
26688 If a camel is a horse designed by a committee, then a consensus
26689 forecast is a camel's behind.
26690 -- Edgar R. Fiedler
26692 If a can of Alpo costs 38 cents, would it cost $2.50 in Dog Dollars?
26694 If a child annoys you, quiet him by brushing their hair. If this doesn't
26695 work, use the other side of the brush on the other end of the child.
26697 If A equals success, then the formula is _
\bA = _
\bX + _
\bY + _
\bZ. _
\bX is work. _
\bY
26698 is play. _
\bZ is keep your mouth shut.
26701 If A fool persists in his folly he shall become wise.
26704 If a group of _
\bN persons implements a COBOL compiler, there will be _
\bN-1
26705 passes. Someone in the group has to be the manager.
26708 If a guru falls in the forest with no one to hear him, was he
26709 really a guru at all?
26710 -- Strange de Jim, "The Metasexuals"
26712 If a jury in a criminal trial stays out for more than twenty-four
26713 hours, it is certain to vote acquittal, save in those instances where
26715 -- Joseph C. Goulden
26717 IF A KID ASKS YOU where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him
26718 is, "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing
26719 to tell him is, "Probably because of something you did."
26720 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican", 1988.
26722 If a listener nods his head when you're explaining your program, wake
26725 If a man has a strong faith he can indulge in the luxury of skepticism.
26726 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
26728 If a man has talent and cannot use it, he has failed.
26731 If a man is not a liberal at 25, he has no heart.
26732 If he's not a conservative by 45, he has no brain.
26734 If a man loses his reverence for any part of life,
26735 he will lose his reverence for all of life.
26736 -- Albert Schweitzer
26738 If a man stay away from his wife for seven years, the law presumes the
26739 separation to have killed him; yet according to our daily experience,
26740 it might well prolong his life.
26741 -- Charles Darling, "Scintillae Juris, 1877
26743 If a nation expects to be ignorant and free,
26744 ... it expects what never was and never will be.
26745 -- Thomas Jefferson
26747 If a nation values anything more than freedom, it will lose its freedom;
26748 and the irony of it is that if it is comfort or money it values more, it
26749 will lose that, too.
26750 -- W. Somerset Maugham
26752 If a person (a) is poorly, (b) receives treatment intended to make him better,
26753 and (c) gets better, then no power of reasoning known to medical science can
26754 convince him that it may not have been the treatment that restored his health.
26755 -- Sir Peter Medawar, "The Art of the Soluble"
26757 If a President doesn't do it to his wife, he'll do it to his country.
26759 If a putt passes over the hole without dropping, it is deemed to have
26760 dropped. The law of gravity holds that any object attempting to
26761 maintain a position in the atmosphere without something to support it
26762 must drop. The law of gravity supersedes the law of golf.
26765 If a shameless woman expects to be defiled and then dies of her fierce
26766 love because you do not consent, will chastity also be homicide?
26769 If a small child asks you where rain comes from, I think a reasonable response
26770 is simply that "God is crying." And, if he asks you why God is crying, the
26771 only possible answer is "Probably because of something you did."
26773 If a subordinate asks you a pertinent question,
26774 look at him as if he had lost his senses.
26775 When he looks down, paraphrase the question back at him.
26777 If a system is administered wisely,
26778 its users will be content.
26779 They enjoy hacking their code
26780 and don't waste time implementing
26781 labor-saving shell scripts.
26782 Since they dearly love their accounts,
26783 they aren't interested in other machines.
26784 There may be telnet, rlogin, and ftp,
26785 but these don't access any hosts.
26786 There may be an arsenal of cracks and malware,
26787 but nobody ever uses them.
26788 People enjoy reading their mail,
26789 take pleasure in being with their newsgroups,
26790 spend weekends working at their terminals,
26791 delight in the doings at the site.
26792 And even though the next system is so close
26793 that users can hear its key clicks and biff beeps,
26794 they are content to die of old age
26795 without ever having gone to see it.
26797 "If a team is in a positive frame of mind, it will have a good
26798 attitude. If it has a good attitude, it will make a commitment to
26799 playing the game right. If it plays the game right, it will win --
26800 unless, of course, it doesn't have enough talent to win, and no manager
26801 can make goose-liver pate out of goose feathers, so why worry?"
26804 If a thing's worth doing, it is worth doing badly.
26805 -- G. K. Chesterton
26807 If a thing's worth having, it's worth cheating for.
26810 If a train station is a place where a train stops, what's a workstation?
26812 If addiction is judged by how long a dumb animal will sit pressing a lever
26813 to get a "fix" of something, to its own detriment, then I would conclude
26814 that netnews is far more addictive than cocaine.
26817 If all be true that I do think,
26818 There be five reasons why one should drink;
26819 Good friends, good wine, or being dry,
26820 Or lest we should be by-and-by,
26821 Or any other reason why.
26823 If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular
26825 -- John Kenneth Galbraith
26827 If all else fails, lower your standards.
26829 If all men were brothers, would you let one marry your sister?
26831 If all the Chinese simultaneously jumped into the Pacific off a 10 foot
26832 platform erected 10 feet off their coast, it would cause a tidal wave
26833 that would destroy everything in this country west of Nebraska.
26835 If all the girls who attended the Yale prom were laid end to end -- I
26836 wouldn't be a bit surprised.
26839 If all the seas were ink,
26840 And all the reeds were pens,
26841 And all the skies were parchment,
26842 And all the men could write,
26843 These would not suffice
26844 To write down all the red tape
26845 Of this Government.
26847 If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door.
26850 If all the world's economists were laid end to end, we wouldn't reach a
26854 If an average person on the subway turns to you, like an ancient mariner,
26855 and starts telling you her tale, you turn away or nod and hope she stops,
26856 not just because you fear she might be crazy. If she tells her tale on
26857 camera, you might listen. Watching strangers on television, even
26858 responding to them from a studio audience, we're disengaged - voyeurs
26859 collaborating with exhibitionists in rituals of sham community. Never
26860 have so many known so much about people for whom they cared so little.
26861 -- Wendy Kaminer commenting on testimonial television
26862 in "I'm Dysfunctional, You're Dysfunctional".
26864 If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
26866 If an S and an I and an O and a U
26867 With an X at the end spell Su;
26868 And an E and a Y and an E spell I,
26869 Pray what is a speller to do?
26870 Then, if also an S and an I and a G
26871 And an HED spell side,
26872 There's nothing much left for a speller to do
26873 But to go commit siouxeyesighed.
26874 -- Charles Follen Adams, "An Orthographic Lament"
26876 If any demonstrator ever lays down in front of my car, it'll be the last
26877 car he ever lays down in front of.
26880 If any man wishes to be humbled and mortified,
26881 let him become president of Harvard.
26884 If anyone has seen my dog, please contact me at x2883 as soon as possible.
26885 We're offering a substantial reward. He's a sable collie, with three legs,
26886 blind in his left eye, is missing part of his right ear and the tip of his
26887 tail. He's been recently fixed. Answers to "Lucky".
26889 If anything can go wrong, it will.
26891 If at first you do succeed, try to hide your astonishment.
26893 If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
26895 If at first you don't succeed, give up, no use being a damn fool.
26897 If at first you don't succeed, quit; don't be a nut about success.
26899 If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
26901 If at first you don't succeed, try, try again.
26904 If at first you don't succeed, try try again. Then quit.
26905 No use being a damn fool about it.
26907 If at first you don't succeed, try, try again.
26908 Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
26911 [Also attributed to Roy Mengot. Ed.]
26913 If at first you don't succeed, you must be a programmer.
26915 If at first you don't succeed, you're doing about average.
26916 -- Leonard Levinson
26918 If at first you fricassee, fry, fry again.
26920 If atheism is to be used to express the state of mind in which God is
26921 identified with the unknowable, and theology is pronounced to be a
26922 collection of meaningless words about unintelligible chimeras, then
26923 I have no doubt, and I think few people doubt, that atheists are as
26924 plentiful as blackberries.
26927 If bankers can count, how come they have eight windows and only four
26930 If Beethoven's Seventh Symphony is not by
26931 some means abridged, it will soon fall into disuse.
26932 -- Philip Hale, Boston music critic, 1837
26934 If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs,
26935 then the first woodpecker to come along would destroy civilization.
26937 If built in great numbers, motels will be used for nothing
26938 but illegal purposes.
26941 If Carter is the answer, it must have been a VERY silly question.
26943 If Christianity was morality, Socrates would be the Saviour.
26946 If clear thinking created sparks, we could safely store dynamite in James
26950 If coke is a joke, I'm waiting around for the next line.
26952 If computers take over (which seems to be their natural tendency), it will
26956 If dolphins are so smart, why did Flipper work for television?
26958 If England treats her criminals the way she has treated me, she doesn't
26959 deserve to have any.
26960 -- Oscar Wilde, reportedly while standing handcuffed in a
26961 driving rain, waiting for transport to prison upon his
26962 conviction for sodomy.
26964 If entropy is increasing, where is it coming from?
26966 If ever the pleasure of one has to be bought by the pain of the other,
26967 there better be no trade. A trade by which one gains and the other loses
26969 -- Dagny Taggart, "Atlas Shrugged"
26971 If ever you want to touch the hand and the heart of God Almighty, you can
26972 do it through the body of someone you love. Anytime. Anywhere. Without
26974 -- Theodore Sturgeon, "Godbody"
26976 If every kid had a funny tooth to bite down on whenever the world disappointed
26977 him, prussic acid could solve our population problems in one generation.
26978 -- G. C. Edmonson's Albert, "The Man Who Corrupted Earth"
26980 If everybody minded their own business, the world would go
26981 around a deal faster.
26982 -- The Duchess, "Through the Looking Glass"
26984 If everything is coming your way then you're in the wrong lane.
26986 If everything on the road of life seems to
26987 be coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
26989 If everything seems to be going well,
26990 you have obviously overlooked something.
26992 If fifty million people say a foolish thing, it's still a foolish thing.
26993 -- Bertrand Russell
26995 If food be the music of love, eat up, eat up.
26997 If for every rule there is an exception, then we have established that there
26998 is an exception to every rule. If we accept "For every rule there is an
26999 exception" as a rule, then we must concede that there may not be an exception
27000 after all, since the rule states that there is always the possibility of
27001 exception, and if we follow it to its logical end we must agree that there
27002 can be an exception to the rule that for every rule there is an exception.
27005 If God did not exist, it would be necessary to invent him.
27006 -- Voltaire, "Epitres, XCVI"
27008 If God didn't mean for us to juggle, tennis balls wouldn't come three
27011 If God had a beard, he'd be a UNIX programmer.
27013 If God had intended Man to program, we'd be born with serial I/O ports.
27015 If God had intended Man to Smoke, He would have set him on Fire.
27017 If God had intended man to use the metric system, Jesus
27018 would have only had ten disciples.
27020 If God had intended Man to Walk, He would have given him Feet.
27022 If God had intended Man to Watch TV, He would have given him Rabbit
27025 If God had intended Men to Smoke, He would have put Chimneys in their
27028 If God had meant for us to be in the Army, we would have been born with
27031 If God had meant for us to be naked, we would have been born that way.
27033 If God had not given us sticky tape, it would have been necessary to
27036 If God had really intended men to fly,
27037 he'd make it easier to get to the airport.
27040 If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads, he would
27041 have made them cute and furry.
27044 If God had wanted us to use the metric system, Jesus would have had
27047 If God had wanted you to go around nude, He would have given you bigger
27050 If God hadn't wanted you to be paranoid,
27051 He wouldn't have given you such a vivid imagination.
27053 If God is dead, who will save the Queen?
27055 If God is One, what is bad?
27058 If God is perfect, why did He create discontinuous functions?
27060 "If God lived on Earth, people would knock out all His windows."
27063 If God wanted us to be brave, why did he give us legs?
27066 If God wanted us to have a President,
27067 He would have sent us a candidate.
27068 -- Jerry Dreshfield
27070 If graphics hackers are so smart,
27071 why can't they get the bugs out of fresh paint?
27073 If happiness is in your destiny, you need not be in a hurry.
27076 If he had only learnt a little less, how
27077 infinitely better he might have taught much more!
27079 If he once again pushes up his sleeves in order to compute for 3 days
27080 and 3 nights in a row, he will spend a quarter of an hour before to
27081 think which principles of computation shall be most appropriate.
27082 -- Voltaire, "Diatribe du docteur Akakia"
27084 If he should ever change his faith,
27085 it'll be because he no longer thinks he's God.
27087 "If I am elected, the concrete barriers around the WHITE HOUSE will be
27088 replaced by tasteful foam replicas of ANN MARGARET!"
27090 If I cannot bend Heaven, I shall move Hell.
27091 -- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil)
27093 If I could drop dead right now, I'd be the happiest man alive!
27096 If I could read your mind, love,
27097 What a tale your thoughts could tell,
27098 Just like a paperback novel,
27099 The kind the drugstore sells,
27100 When you reach the part where the heartaches come,
27101 The hero would be me,
27103 You won't read that book again, because
27104 the ending is just too hard to take.
27106 I walk away, like a movie star,
27107 Who gets burned in a three way script,
27109 A movie queen to play the scene
27110 Of bringing all the good things out in me,
27111 But for now, love, let's be real
27112 I never thought I could act this way,
27113 And I've got to say that I just don't get it,
27114 I don't know where we went wrong but the feeling is gone
27115 And I just can't get it back...
27116 -- Gordon Lightfoot, "If You Could Read My Mind"
27118 If I could stick my pen in my heart,
27119 I would spill it all over the stage.
27120 Would it satisfy ya, would it slide on by ya,
27121 Would you think the boy was strange?
27124 If I could stick a knife in my heart,
27125 Suicide right on the stage,
27126 Would it be enough for your teenage lust,
27127 Would it help to ease the pain?
27129 -- Rolling Stones, "It's Only Rock'N Roll"
27131 If I don't drive around the park,
27132 I'm pretty sure to make my mark.
27133 If I'm in bed each night by ten,
27134 I may get back my looks again.
27135 If I abstain from fun and such,
27136 I'll probably amount to much;
27137 But I shall stay the way I am,
27138 Because I do not give a damn.
27141 If I don't see you in the future, I'll see you in the pasture.
27143 If I had a formula for bypassing trouble, I would not pass it around.
27144 Trouble creates a capacity to handle it. I don't say embrace trouble; that's
27145 as bad as treating it as an enemy. But I do say meet it as a friend, for
27146 you'll see a lot of it and you had better be on speaking terms with it.
27147 -- Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.
27149 If *I* had a hammer, there'd be no more folk singers.
27151 IF I HAD A MINE SHAFT, I don't think I would just abandon it. There's
27152 got to be a better way.
27153 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican", 1988.
27155 If I had a plantation in Georgia and a home in Hell, I'd sell the
27156 plantation and go home.
27157 -- Eugene P. Gallagher
27159 If I had any humility I would be perfect.
27162 If I had done everything I'm credited with, I'd be speaking to you from
27163 a laboratory jar at Harvard.
27166 AS USUAL, YOUR INFORMATION STINKS.
27167 -- Frank Sinatra, telegram to "Time" magazine
27169 If I had my life to live over, I'd try to make more mistakes next time. I
27170 would relax, I would limber up, I would be sillier than I have been this
27171 trip. I know of very few things I would take seriously. I would be crazier.
27172 I would climb more mountains, swim more rivers and watch more sunsets. I'd
27173 travel and see. I would have more actual troubles and fewer imaginary ones.
27174 You see, I am one of those people who lives prophylactically and sensibly
27175 and sanely, hour after hour, day after day. Oh, I have had my moments and,
27176 if I had it to do over again, I'd have more of them. In fact, I'd try to
27177 have nothing else. Just moments, one after another, instead of living so many
27178 years ahead each day. I have been one of those people who never go anywhere
27179 without a thermometer, a hotwater bottle, a gargle, a raincoat and a parachute.
27180 If I had it to do over again, I would go places and do things and travel
27181 lighter than I have. If I had my life to live over, I would start bare-footed
27182 earlier in the spring and stay that way later in the fall. I would play hooky
27183 more. I probably wouldn't make such good grades, but I'd learn more. I would
27184 ride on more merry-go-rounds. I'd pick more daisies.
27186 If I had only known, I would have been a locksmith.
27189 If I had to live my life again, I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner.
27190 -- Tallulah Bankhead
27192 If I have not seen so far it is because I stood in giant's footsteps.
27194 If I have seen farther than others, it is because I was standing on the
27195 shoulders of giants.
27198 In the sciences, we are now uniquely privileged to sit side by side with
27199 the giants on whose shoulders we stand.
27202 If I have not seen as far as others, it is because giants were standing on
27206 Mathematicians stand on each other's shoulders.
27209 Mathematicians stand on each other's shoulders while computer scientists
27210 stand on each other's toes.
27213 It has been said that physicists stand on one another's shoulders. If
27214 this is the case, then programmers stand on one another's toes, and
27215 software engineers dig each other's graves.
27218 If I have seen farther than others, it is because I was standing on the
27219 shoulders of giants.
27222 In the sciences, we are now uniquely privileged to sit side by side
27223 with the giants on whose shoulders we stand.
27226 If I have not seen as far as others, it is because giants were standing
27230 In computer science, we stand on each other's feet.
27233 If I have to lay an egg for my country, I'll do it.
27236 If I kiss you, that is a psychological interaction.
27238 On the other hand, if I hit you over the head with a brick, that is
27239 also a psychological interaction.
27241 The difference is that one is friendly and the other is not so
27244 The crucial point is if you can tell which is which.
27245 -- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot"
27247 If I knew what brand [of whiskey] he drinks,
27248 I would send a barrel or so to my other generals.
27249 -- Abraham Lincoln, on General Grant
27251 If I love you, what business is it of yours?
27252 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
27254 If I made peace with Russia today, I'd only attack her again tomorrow. I
27255 just couldn't help myself.
27258 If I promised you the moon and the stars, would you believe it?
27259 -- Alan Parsons Project
27261 If I set here and stare at nothing long enough, people might think
27262 I'm an engineer working on something.
27265 If I told you you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
27267 If I traveled to the end of the rainbow
27268 As Dame Fortune did intend,
27269 Murphy would be there to tell me
27270 The pot's at the other end.
27273 If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary form.
27275 If I were a grave-digger or even a hangman, there are some people I could
27276 work for with a great deal of enjoyment.
27279 If I were to walk on water, the press would say I'm only doing it
27280 because I can't swim.
27283 If I'd known computer science was going to be like this,
27284 I'd never have given up being a rock 'n' roll star.
27287 If ignorance is bliss, why aren't there more happy people?
27289 If I'm over the hill, why is it I don't recall ever being on top?
27292 If in any problem you find yourself doing an immense amount of work, the
27293 answer can be obtained by simple inspection.
27295 If in doubt, mumble.
27297 If it ain't baroque, don't fix it.
27299 If it ain't broke, don't fix it.
27301 If it doesn't smell yet, it's pretty fresh.
27302 -- Dave Johnson, on dead seagulls
27304 If it happens once, it's a bug.
27305 If it happens twice, it's a feature.
27306 If it happens more than twice, it's a design philosophy.
27308 If it has syntax, it isn't user-friendly.
27310 If it heals good, say it.
27312 If it is a Miracle, any sort of evidence will
27313 answer, but if it is a Fact, proof is necessary.
27316 If it pours before seven, it has rained by eleven.
27318 If it smells it's chemistry, if it crawls it's biology, if it doesn't work
27321 If it takes a bloodbath, lets get it over with. No more appeasement.
27324 If it wasn't for Newton, we wouldn't have to eat bruised apples.
27326 If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
27328 If it wasn't so warm out today, it would be cooler.
27330 If it were not for the presents, an elopement would be preferable.
27331 -- George Ade, "Forty Modern Fables"
27333 If it were thought that anything I wrote was influenced by Robert Frost,
27334 I would take that particular work of mine, shred it, and flush it down
27335 the toilet, hoping not to clog the pipes. A more sententious, holding-
27336 forth old bore who expected every hero-worshiping adenoidal little twerp
27337 of a student-poet to hang on to his every word I never saw.
27340 If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would ever get done.
27342 If it's green or wiggles, it's biology.
27343 If it stinks, it's chemistry.
27344 If it doesn't work, it's physics.
27346 If it's not in the computer, it doesn't exist.
27348 If it's Tuesday, this must be someone else's fortune.
27350 If it's worth doing, do it for money.
27352 If it's worth doing, it's worth doing for money.
27354 If it's worth hacking on well, it's worth hacking on for money.
27356 If Jesus Christ were to come today, people would not even crucify him.
27357 They would ask him to dinner, and hear what he had to say, and make fun
27361 If just one piece of mail gets lost, well, they'll just think they forgot to
27362 send it. But if *two* pieces of mail get lost, hell, they'll just think the
27363 other guy hasn't gotten around to answering his mail. And if *fifty* pieces
27364 of mail get lost, can you imagine it, if *fifty* pieces of mail get lost, why
27365 they'll think something *else* is broken! And if 1Gb of mail gets lost,
27366 they'll just *know* that uunet is down and think it's a conspiracy to keep
27367 them from their God given right to receive Net Mail ...
27368 -- Leith (Casey) Leedom, apologies to Arlo Guthrie
27370 "If just one piece of mail gets lost, well, they'll just think they
27371 forgot to send it. But if *two* pieces of mail get lost, hell, they'll
27372 just think the other guy hasn't gotten around to answering his mail.
27373 And if *fifty* pieces of mail get lost, can you imagine it, if *fifty*
27374 pieces of mail get lost, why they'll think someone *else* is broken!
27375 And if 1Gb of mail gets lost, they'll just *know* that Arpa is down and
27376 think it's a conspiracy to keep them from their God given right to
27377 receive Net Mail ..."
27378 -- Leith (Casey) Leedom
27380 If Karl, instead of writing a lot about Capital,
27381 had made a lot of Capital, it would have been much better.
27382 -- Karl Marx's Mother
27384 If life gives you lemons, make lemonade.
27386 If life is a stage, I want some better lighting.
27388 If life is merely a joke, the question
27389 still remains: for whose amusement?
27391 If life isn't what you wanted, have you asked for anything else?
27393 If little else, the brain is an educational toy.
27396 If little green men land in your back yard, hide any little green women
27397 you've got in the house.
27398 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
27400 If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question?
27403 If Love Were Oil, I'd Be About A Quart Low
27404 -- Book title by Lewis Grizzard
27406 If Machiavelli were a hacker, he'd have worked for the CSSG.
27409 If Machiavelli were a programmer, he'd have worked for AT&T.
27411 If man is only a little lower than the angels, the angels should reform.
27412 -- Mary Wilson Little
27414 If mathematically you end up with the wrong answer, try multiplying by
27417 If men acted after marriage as they do during courtship, there would
27418 be fewer divorces -- and more bankruptcies.
27421 If men are not afraid to die,
27422 it is of no avail to threaten them with death.
27424 If men live in constant fear of dying,
27425 And if breaking the law means a man will be killed,
27426 Who will dare to break the law?
27428 There is always an official executioner.
27429 If you try to take his place,
27430 It is like trying to be a master carpenter and cutting wood.
27431 If you try to cut wood like a master carpenter,
27432 you will only hurt your hand.
27433 -- Tao Te Ching, "Lao Tsu, #74"
27435 If money can't buy happiness, I guess you'll just have to rent it.
27437 If more of us valued food and cheer and song above hoarded gold, it would
27438 be a merrier world.
27439 -- J. R. R. Tolkien
27441 "If once a man indulges himself in murder, very soon he comes to think
27442 little of robbing; and from robbing he next comes to drinking and
27443 Sabbath-breaking, and from that to incivility and procrastination."
27444 -- Thomas De Quincey (1785-1859)
27446 If one cannot enjoy reading a book over and
27447 over again, there is no use in reading it at all.
27450 If one inquires why the American tradition is so strong against any connection
27451 of State and Church, why it dreads even the rudiments of religious teaching
27452 in state-maintained schools, the immediate and superficial answer is not
27453 far to seek. ... The cause lay largely in the diversity and vitality of the
27454 various denominations, each fairly sure that, with a fair field and no favor,
27455 it could make its own way; and each animated by a jealous fear that, if any
27456 connection of State and Church were permitted, some rival denomination would
27457 get an unfair advantage.
27458 -- John Dewey, "Democracy in the Schools", 1908
27460 If one studies too zealously, one easily loses his pants.
27463 If one tells the truth, one is sure, sooner or later, to be found out.
27464 -- Oscar Wilde, "Phrases and Philosophies for the Use
27467 If only Dionysus were alive! Where would he eat?
27470 If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit
27471 in my name at a Swiss bank.
27472 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
27474 If only I could be respected without having to be respectable.
27476 If only one could get that wonderful feeling of accomplishment without
27477 having to accomplish anything.
27479 If only you could be respected without having to be respectable.
27481 If only you had a personality instead of an attitude.
27483 If only you knew she loved you, you could
27484 face the uncertainty of whether you love her.
27486 If opportunity came disguised as temptation, one knock would be enough.
27488 If parents would only realize how they bore their children.
27489 -- George Bernard Shaw
27491 If Patrick Henry thought that taxation without representation was bad,
27492 he should see how bad it is with representation.
27494 If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward,
27495 then we are a sorry lot indeed.
27498 If people concentrated on the really important things in life,
27499 there'd be a shortage of fishing poles.
27502 If people drank ink instead of Schlitz, they'd be better off.
27503 -- Edward E. Hippensteel
27505 [What brand of ink? Ed.]
27507 If people have to choose between freedom and sandwiches, they
27508 will take sandwiches.
27511 Eats first, morals after.
27512 -- Bertolt Brecht, "The Threepenny Opera"
27514 If people say that here and there someone has been taken away and maltreated,
27515 I can only reply: You can't make an omelette without breaking eggs.
27518 If people see that you mean them no harm,
27519 they'll never hurt you, nine times out of ten!
27521 If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice?
27523 If preceded by a '-' , the timezone shall be east of the Prime
27524 Meridian; otherwise, it shall be west (which may be indicated by
27525 an optional preceding '+' ).
27528 The "+" or "-" indicates whether the time-of-day is ahead of
27529 (i.e., east of) or behind (i.e., west of) Universal Time.
27532 If pregnancy were a book they would cut the last two chapters.
27533 -- Nora Ephron, "Heartburn"
27535 If pro is the opposite of con, what is the opposite of progress?
27537 If puns were deli meat, this would be the wurst.
27539 If rabbits feet are so lucky, what happened to the rabbit?
27541 If reporters don't know that truth is plural, they ought to be lawyers.
27544 If researchers wrote nursery rhymes...
27546 Little Miss Muffet sat on her gluteal region,
27547 Eating components of soured milk.
27548 On at least one occasion,
27549 along came an arachnid and sat down beside her,
27550 Or at least in her vicinity,
27551 And caused her to feel an overwhelming, but not paralyzing, fear,
27552 Which motivated the patient to leave the area rather quickly.
27553 -- Ann Melugin Williams
27555 If Ricky Schroder and Gary Coleman had a fight on television with
27556 pool cues, who would win?
27559 3) The television viewing public
27562 If sarcasm were posted on Usenet, would anybody notice?
27565 If scientific reasoning were limited to the logical processes of
27566 arithmetic, we should not get very far in our understanding of the
27567 physical world. One might as well attempt to grasp the game of poker
27568 entirely by the use of the mathematics of probability.
27571 If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many
27575 If she had not been cupric in her ions,
27577 Their romance might have flourished.
27578 But he built tetrahedral in his shape,
27580 Love could not help but die,
27581 Uncatalyzed, inert, and undernourished.
27583 If society fits you comfortably enough, you call it freedom.
27586 If some people didn't tell you,
27587 you'd never know they'd been away on vacation.
27589 If someone had told me I would be Pope one day, I would have studied
27591 -- Pope John Paul I
27593 If someone says he will do something "without fail", he won't.
27595 If something has not yet gone wrong then it would
27596 ultimately have been beneficial for it to go wrong.
27598 If swimming is so good for your figure, how come whales look the
27601 "If that makes any sense to you, you have a big problem."
27602 -- C. Durance, Computer Science 234
27604 If the aborigine drafted an IQ test, all of Western civilization would
27605 presumably flunk it.
27608 If the American dream is for Americans only, it will remain our dream
27609 and never be our destiny.
27610 -- Rene de Visme Williamson
27612 If the automobile had followed the same development as the computer, a
27613 Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per per gallon,
27614 and explode once a year killing everyone inside.
27615 -- Robert Cringely, InfoWorld
27617 If the church put in half the time on covetousness that it does on lust,
27618 this would be a better world.
27619 -- Garrison Keillor, "Lake Wobegon Days"
27621 If the code and the comments disagree, then both are probably wrong.
27624 If the colleges were better, if they really had it, you would need to
27625 get the police at the gates to keep order in the inrushing multitude.
27626 See in college how we thwart the natural love of learning by leaving
27627 the natural method of teaching what each wishes to learn, and insisting
27628 that you shall learn what you have no taste or capacity for. The
27629 college, which should be a place of delightful labor, is made odious
27630 and unhealthy, and the young men are tempted to frivolous amusements to
27631 rally their jaded spirits. I would have the studies elective.
27632 Scholarship is to be created not by compulsion, but by awakening a pure
27633 interest in knowledge. The wise instructor accomplishes this by
27634 opening to his pupils precisely the attractions the study has for
27635 himself. The marking is a system for schools, not for the college; for
27636 boys, not for men; and it is an ungracious work to put on a professor.
27637 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
27639 If the designers of X-window built cars, there would be no fewer than five
27640 steering wheels hidden about the cockpit, none of which followed the same
27641 principles -- but you'd be able to shift gears with your car stereo. Useful
27643 -- From the programming notebooks of a heretic, 1990
27645 If the ends don't justify the means, then what does?
27648 If the English language made any sense, lackadaisical
27649 would have something to do with a shortage of flowers.
27652 [Not to mention, butterfly would be flutterby. Ed.]
27654 If the facts don't fit the theory, change the facts.
27657 If the future isn't what it used to be, does that
27658 mean that the past is subject to change in times to come?
27660 If the girl you love moves in with another guy once, it's more than enough.
27661 Twice, it's much too much. Three times, it's the story of your life.
27663 If the government doesn't trust the people, why
27664 doesn't it dissolve them and elect a new people?
27666 If the grass is greener on other side of fence,
27667 consider what may be fertilizing it.
27669 If the human brain were so simple that we could understand it,
27670 we would be so simple we couldn't.
27672 "If the King's English was good enough for Jesus, it's good enough for
27674 -- "Ma" Ferguson, Governor of Texas (circa 1920)
27676 If the Lord God Almighty had consulted me before embarking upon the Creation,
27677 I would have recommended something simpler.
27678 -- Alfonso the Wise, 13th Century King of Castile,
27679 Commenting on the Almagest, by Ptolemy.
27681 If the master dies and the disciple grieves,
27682 the lives of both have been wasted.
27684 If the meanings of "true" and "false" were switched,
27685 then this sentence would not be false.
27687 If the Nazi's had television with satellite technology, we'd all be
27688 goose-stepping. Americans are just as suggestible.
27691 If the odds are a million to one against something occurring, chances
27694 If the path be beautiful, let us not ask where it leads.
27697 If the rich could pay the poor to die for them,
27698 what a living the poor could make!
27700 If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
27702 If the standard says that [things] depend on the phase of the moon,
27703 the programmer should be prepared to look out the window as necessary.
27706 If the thunder don't get you, then the lightning will.
27708 If the vendors started doing everything right, we would be out of a job.
27709 Let's hear it for OSI and X! With those babies in the wings, we can count
27710 on being employed until we drop, or get smart and switch to gardening,
27711 paper folding, or something.
27714 If the very old will remember, the very young will listen.
27715 -- Chief Dan George
27717 If the weather is extremely bad, church attendance will be down. If
27718 the weather is extremely good, church attendance will be down. If the
27719 bulletin covers are in short supply, however, church attendance will
27720 exceed all expectations.
27721 -- Reverend Chichester
27723 If there are epigrams, there must be meta-epigrams.
27725 If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that
27726 will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.
27728 If there is a possibility of several things going wrong,
27729 the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.
27731 If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which a procedure
27732 can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way will promptly develop.
27734 If there is a sin against life, it consists perhaps not so much in despairing
27735 of life as in hoping for another life and in eluding the implacable grandeur
27739 If there is a wrong way to do something, then someone will do it.
27740 -- Edward A. Murphy Jr.
27742 If there is any realistic deterrent to marriage, it's the fact that you
27743 can't afford divorce.
27746 If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?
27749 If there is no wind, row.
27752 If there really was a Jewish conspiracy to run the world, my rabbi would
27753 have let me in on it by now. I contribute enough to the shule.
27756 If there was in justice in the world, "trust" would be a four-letter word.
27758 If there were a school for, say, sheet metal workers, that after three
27759 years left its graduates as unprepared for their careers as does law
27760 school, it would be closed down in a minute, and no doubt by lawyers.
27761 -- Michael Levin, "The Socratic Method
27763 If they can make penicillin out of moldy bread, they can sure make
27764 something out of you.
27767 If they sent one man to the moon, why can't they send them all?
27769 If they think you're crude, go technical; if they think you're technical,
27770 go crude. I'm a very technical boy. So I get as crude as possible. These
27771 days, though, you have to be pretty technical before you can even aspire
27775 If they were so inclined, they could impeach
27776 him because they don't like his necktie.
27777 -- Attorney General William Saxbe
27779 If things don't improve soon, you'd better ask them to stop helping you.
27782 If this fortune didn't exist, somebody would have invented it.
27784 If this is timesharing, give me my share right now.
27786 If time heals all wounds, how come the belly button stays the same?
27788 If today is the first day of the rest of your life, what the hell was
27791 If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library?
27794 If two men agree on everything, you may be sure that one of them is
27795 doing the thinking.
27796 -- Lyndon B. Johnson
27798 Jerry Ford is a nice guy, but he played too much football with his
27800 -- Lyndon B. Johnson
27802 I do not believe that this generation of Americans is willing to resign
27803 itself to going to bed each night by the light of a Communist moon.
27804 -- Lyndon B. Johnson
27806 If two men agree on everything, you may be sure that one of them is
27807 doing the thinking.
27808 -- Lyndon Baines Johnson
27810 If two people love each other, there can be no happy end to it.
27811 -- Ernest Hemingway
27813 If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.
27814 -- Laurence J. Peter
27816 If two wrongs don't make a right, try three wrongs.
27818 "If value corrupts then absolute value corrupts absolutely."
27820 If voting could change the system, it would be illegal.
27821 If not voting could change the system, it would be illegal.
27823 If we all work together, we can totally disrupt the system.
27825 If we can ever make red tape nutritional, we can feed the world.
27826 -- R. Schaeberle, "Management Accounting"
27828 If we could sell our experiences for what they cost us, we would
27829 all be millionaires.
27830 -- Abigail Van Buren
27832 If we do not change our direction we are
27833 likely to end up where we are headed.
27835 If we don't survive, we don't do anything else.
27838 If we men married the women we deserved, we should have a very bad time
27842 "If we relied conclusively on scientific data for every one of our
27843 findings, I'm afraid all of our work would be inconclusive."
27844 -- Henry Hudson, of the Meese Pornography Commission, on
27845 criticism of its conclusion that pornography causes sex
27848 If we see the light at the end of the tunnel
27849 It's the light of an oncoming train.
27852 If we spoke a different language, we
27853 would perceive a somewhat different world.
27856 If we suffer tamely a lawless attack upon our liberty,
27857 we encourage it, and involve others in our doom.
27860 "If we were meant to fly, we wouldn't keep losing our luggage."
27862 If we were meant to get up early, God would have created us
27865 If we won't stand together, we don't stand a chance.
27867 If what they've been doing hasn't solved the problem, tell them to
27869 -- Gerald Weinberg, "The Secrets of Consulting"
27871 If while you are in school, there is a shortage of qualified personnel
27872 in a particular field, then by the time you graduate with the necessary
27873 qualifications, that field's employment market is glutted.
27874 -- Marguerite Emmons
27876 If wishes were horses, then beggars would be thieves.
27878 If women are supposed to be less rational and more emotional at the
27879 beginning of our menstrual cycle, when the female hormone is at its
27880 lowest level, then why isn't it logical to say that in those few days
27881 women behave the most like the way men behave all month long?
27884 If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.
27885 -- Aristotle Onassis
27887 If you always postpone pleasure you will never have it.
27888 Quit work and play for once!
27890 If you analyse anything, you destroy it.
27893 If you are a fatalist, what can you do about it?
27894 -- Ann Edwards-Duff
27896 If you are a police dog, where's your badge?
27897 -- Question James Thurber used to drive his German Shepherd
27900 If you are afraid of loneliness, don't marry.
27903 If you are afraid of loneliness, don't marry.
27906 If you are going to walk on thin ice, you may as well dance.
27908 If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are real
27909 good, you will get out of it.
27911 If you are honest because honesty is the best policy,
27912 your honesty is corrupt.
27914 If you are looking for a kindly, well-to-do older gentleman who is no
27915 longer interested in sex, take out an ad in The Wall Street Journal.
27916 -- Abigail Van Buren
27918 If you are not for yourself, who will be for you?
27919 If you are for yourself, then what are you?
27922 If you are of the opinion that the contemplation of suicide is sufficient
27923 evidence of a poetic nature, do not forget that actions speak louder than
27925 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life"
27927 If you are of the opinion that the contemplation of suicide is
27928 sufficient evidence of a poetic nature, do not forget that actions
27929 speak louder than words.
27932 If you are over 80 years old and accompanied
27933 by your parents, we will cash your check.
27935 If you are shooting under 80 you are neglecting your business;
27936 over 80 you are neglecting your golf.
27939 If you are smart enough to know that you're not
27940 smart enough to be an Engineer, then you're in Business.
27942 If you are too busy to read, then you are too busy.
27944 If you are what you eat, does that mean Euelle Gibbons really was a nut?
27946 If you aren't rich you should always look useful.
27947 -- Louis-Ferdinand Celine
27949 "If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars."
27952 If you can keep your head when all about you are losing
27953 theirs, then you clearly don't understand the situation.
27955 If you can lead it to water and force it to drink, it isn't a horse.
27957 If you can read this, you're too close.
27959 If you can survive death, you can probably survive anything.
27961 If you cannot convince them, confuse them.
27964 If you cannot in the long run tell everyone
27965 what you have been doing, your doing was worthless.
27966 -- Edwin Schrodinger
27968 If you can't be good, be careful. If you can't be careful, give me a
27971 If you can't convince them, confuse them.
27974 If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.
27976 If you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly.
27978 If you can't read this, blame a teacher.
27980 If you can't say anything good about someone, sit right here by me.
27981 -- Alice Roosevelt Longworth
27983 If you can't understand it, it is intuitively obvious.
27985 If you catch a man, throw him back.
27986 -- Woman's Liberation Slogan, c. 1975
27988 If you continually give you will continually have.
27990 If you could only get that wonderful feeling of
27991 accomplishment without having to accomplish anything.
27993 If you didn't get caught, did you really do it?
27995 If you didn't have most of your friends,
27996 you wouldn't have most of your problems.
27998 If you didn't have to work so hard,
27999 you'd have more time to be depressed.
28001 If you do not think about the future, you cannot have one.
28004 If you do not wish a man to do a thing, you had better get him to talk about
28005 it; for the more men talk, the more likely they are to do nothing else.
28008 If you do something right once, someone will ask you to do it again.
28010 If you don't care where you are, then you ain't lost.
28012 If you don't count some of Jehovah's injunctions, there are no humorists
28014 -- Mordecai Richler
28016 If you don't do it, you'll never know what
28017 would have happened if you had done it.
28019 If you don't do the things that are not worth doing, who will?
28021 If you don't drink it, someone else will.
28023 If you don't go to other men's funerals they won't go to yours.
28026 If you don't have a nasty obituary you probably didn't matter.
28029 If you don't have the time right now,
28030 will you have redo right time later?
28032 If you don't have time to do it right, where
28033 are you going to find the time to do it over?
28035 If you don't know what game you're playing, don't ask what the score is.
28037 If you don't like the way I drive, stay off the sidewalk!
28039 If you don't say anything, you won't be called on to repeat it.
28042 If you don't strike oil in twenty minutes, stop boring.
28043 -- Andrew Carnegie, on public speaking
28045 "If you don't want your dog to have bad breath, do what I do:
28046 Pour a little Lavoris in the toilet."
28049 If you drink, don't park. Accidents make people.
28051 If you eat a live frog in the morning, nothing worse will happen to
28052 either of you for the rest of the day.
28054 "If you ever want to get anywhere in politics, my boy, you're going to
28055 have to get a toehold in the public eye."
28057 If you ever want to have a lot of fun, I recommend that you go off and program
28058 an embedded system. The salient characteristic of an embedded system is that
28059 it cannot be allowed to get into a state from which only direct intervention
28060 will suffice to remove it. An embedded system can't permanently trust anything
28061 it hears from the outside world. It must sniff around, adapt, consider, sniff
28062 around, and adapt again. I'm not talking about ordinary modular programming
28063 carefulness here. No. Programming an embedded system calls for undiluted
28064 raging maniacal paranoia. For example, our ethernet front ends need to know
28065 what network number they are on so that they can address and route PUPs
28066 properly. How do you find out what your network number is? Easy, you ask a
28067 gateway. Gateways are required by definition to know their correct network
28068 numbers. Once you've got your network number, you start using it and before
28069 you can blink you've got it wired into fifteen different sockets spread all
28070 over creation. Now what happens when the panic-stricken operator realizes he
28071 was running the wrong version of the gateway which was giving out the wrong
28072 network number? Never supposed to happen. Tough. Supposing that your
28073 software discovers that the gateway is now giving out a different network
28074 number than before, what's it supposed to do about it? This is not discussed
28075 in the protocol document. Never supposed to happen. Tough. I think you
28078 If you explain so clearly that nobody can misunderstand, somebody
28081 If you explain something so clearly that no
28082 one can possibly misunderstand, someone will.
28084 If you fail to plan, plan to fail.
28086 If you find a solution and become attached to it,
28087 the solution may become your next problem.
28089 If you flaunt it, expect to have it trashed.
28091 If you float on instinct alone, how can you
28092 calculate the buoyancy for the computed load?
28093 -- Christopher Hodder-Williams
28095 If you fool around with something long
28096 enough, it will eventually break.
28098 If you give a man enough rope, he'll claim he's tied up at the office.
28100 If you give Congress a chance to vote on both sides of an issue, it
28102 -- Les Aspin, D., Wisconsin
28104 If you go on with this nuclear arms race, all you are going to do is
28105 make the rubble bounce.
28106 -- Winston Churchill
28108 If you go out of your mind, do it quietly,
28109 so as not to disturb those around you.
28111 If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and your friends are
28112 all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were
28116 If you had any brains, you'd be dangerous.
28118 If you had better tools, you could more
28119 effectively demonstrate your total incompetence.
28121 If you had just one moment to live
28122 And they granted you one special wish
28123 Would you ask for something
28124 Like another chance.
28125 -- Traffic, "The Low Spark of Hi Heeled Boys"
28127 If you hands are clean and your cause is just
28128 and your demands are reasonable, at least it's a start.
28130 If you have a procedure with 10 parameters, you probably missed some.
28132 If you have never been hated by your child, you have never been a parent.
28135 If you have nothing to do, don't do it here.
28137 If you have received a letter inviting you to speak at the dedication of a
28138 new cat hospital, and you hate cats, your reply, declining the invitation,
28139 does not necessarily have to cover the full range of your emotions. You must
28140 make it clear that you will not attend, but you do not have to let fly at cats.
28141 The writer of the letter asked a civil question; attack cats, then, only if
28142 you can do so with good humor, good taste, and in such a way that your answer
28143 will be courteous as well as responsive. Since you are out of sympathy with
28144 cats, you may quite properly give this as a reason for not appearing at the
28145 dedication ceremonies of a cat hospital. But bear in mind that your opinion
28146 of cats was not sought, only your services as a speaker. Try to keep things
28148 -- Strunk and White, "The Elements of Style"
28150 If you have seen one city slum you have seen them all.
28153 If you have to ask how much it is, you can't afford it.
28155 If you have to ask what jazz is, you'll never know.
28158 If you have to hate, hate gently.
28160 If you have to think twice about it, you're wrong.
28162 If you haven't enjoyed the material in the last few lectures then a career
28163 in chartered accountancy beckons.
28164 -- Advice from the lecturer in the middle of the Stochastic
28167 If you hype something and it succeeds, you're a genius -- it wasn't a
28168 hype. If you hype it and it fails, then it was just a hype.
28171 If you just try long enough and hard enough, you can always manage to
28172 boot yourself in the posterior.
28173 -- A. J. Liebling, "The Press"
28175 If you keep an open mind people will throw a lot of garbage in it.
28177 If you keep anything long enough, you can throw it away.
28179 If you keep your mind sufficiently open, people will throw a lot of
28183 If you knew what to say next, would you say it?
28185 If you know the answer to a question, don't ask.
28188 If you laid all of our laws end to end, there would be no end.
28191 If you laid all the Elvis impersonators in the world, end to end...
28192 you'd wanna run and get a steam roller, real fast.
28195 If you learn one useless thing every day, in a single year you'll learn
28196 365 useless things.
28198 If you liked the Earth you'll love Heaven.
28200 If you live in a country run by committee, be on the committee.
28203 If you live long enough, you'll see that every victory turns into a defeat.
28204 -- Simone De Beauvoir
28206 If you live to the age of a hundred you have it made because very few
28207 people die past the age of a hundred.
28210 If you lived today as if it were your last, you'd buy up a box of rockets
28211 and fire them all off, wouldn't you?
28212 -- Garrison Keillor
28214 If you look good and dress well, you don't need a purpose in life.
28215 -- Robert Pante, fashion consultant
28217 If you look like your driver's license photo -- see a doctor.
28218 If you look like your passport photo -- it's too late for a doctor.
28220 If you lose a son you can always get another,
28221 but there's only one Maltese Falcon.
28222 -- Sidney Greenstreet, "The Maltese Falcon"
28224 If you lose your temper at a newspaper columnist, he'll get rich,
28227 If you love someone, set them free.
28228 If they don't come back, then call them up when you're drunk.
28230 If you love something set it free. If it doesn't
28231 come back to you, hunt it down and kill it.
28233 If you make a mistake you right it
28234 immediately to the best of your ability.
28236 If you make any money, the government shoves you in the creek once a year
28237 with it in your pockets, and all that don't get wet you can keep.
28238 -- The Best of Will Rogers
28240 If you make people think they're thinking, they'll love you;
28241 but if you really make them think they'll hate you.
28243 If you marry a man who cheats on his wife, you'll
28244 be married to a man who cheats on his wife.
28247 If you mess with a thing long enough, it'll break.
28250 If you MUST get married, it is always advisable to marry beauty.
28251 Otherwise, you'll never find anybody to take her off your hands.
28253 If you need anything just whistle.
28254 You know how to whistle, don't you, Steve?
28255 Just put your lips together and blow.
28256 -- Lauren Bacall, "To Have and Have Not"
28258 If you notice that a person is deceiving you,
28259 they must not be deceiving you very well.
28261 If you only have a hammer, you tend to see every problem as a nail.
28264 If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which a procedure
28265 can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way will promptly
28268 If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite
28269 you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
28272 If you push the "extra ice" button on the soft drink vending machine,
28273 you won't get any ice. If you push the "no ice" button, you'll get
28276 If you put garbage in a computer nothing comes out but garbage. But
28277 this garbage, having passed through a very expensive machine, is
28278 somehow ennobled and none dare criticize it.
28280 If you put it off long enough, it might go away.
28282 If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out but tomfoolery.
28283 But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine,
28284 is somehow ennobled and no-one dare criticise it.
28287 If you put your supper dish to your ear you can hear the sounds of a
28291 If you really want to do something new, the good won't help you with it.
28292 Let me have men about me that are arrant knaves. The wicked, who have
28293 something on their conscience, are obliging, quick to hear threats, because
28294 they know how it's done, and for booty. You can offer them things because
28295 they will take them. Because they have no hesitations. You can hang them
28296 if they get out of step. Let me have men about me that are utter villains
28297 -- provided that I have the power, the absolute power, over life and death.
28300 If you refuse to accept anything but the best you very often get it.
28302 If you remember the 60's, you weren't there.
28304 If you resist reading what you disagree with, how will you ever acquire
28305 deeper insights into what you believe? The things most worth reading
28306 are precisely those that challenge our convictions.
28308 If you see an onion ring -- answer it!
28310 If you sell diamonds, you cannot expect to have many customers.
28311 But a diamond is a diamond even if there are no customers.
28312 -- Swami Prabhupada
28314 If you sit down at a poker game and don't see a sucker, get up. You're
28317 If you sow your wild oats, hope for a crop failure.
28319 If you stand on your head, you will get footprints in your hair.
28321 If you steal from one author it's plagiarism; if you steal from
28322 many it's research.
28325 If you stew apples like cranberries,
28326 they taste more like prunes than rhubarb does.
28329 If you stick a stock of liquor in your locker,
28330 It is slick to stick a lock upon your stock.
28331 Or some joker who is slicker,
28332 Will trick you of your liquor,
28333 If you fail to lock your liquor with a lock.
28335 If you stick your head in the sand,
28336 one thing is for sure, you're gonna get your rear kicked.
28338 If you suspect a man, don't employ him.
28340 If you talk to God, you are praying; if God talks to you, you have
28344 If you teach your children to like computers and to know how to gamble
28345 then they'll always be interested in something and won't come to no real
28348 If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.
28351 If you think before you speak the other guy gets his joke in first.
28353 If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.
28354 -- Derek Bok, president of Harvard
28356 If you think last Tuesday was a drag, wait till you see what happens
28359 If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car
28363 If you think the pen is mightier than the sword, the next time
28364 someone pulls out a sword I'd like to see you get up there with
28367 If you think the problem is bad now, just wait until we've solved it.
28370 If you think the system is working,
28371 ask someone who's waiting for a prompt.
28373 If you think the United States has stood still, who built the largest
28374 shopping center in the world?
28375 -- Richard M. Nixon
28377 If you think the United States has stood still,
28378 who built the largest shopping center in the world?
28381 If you think things can't get worse it's probably only because you
28382 lack sufficient imagination.
28384 If you throw a New Year's Party, the worst thing that you can do would
28385 be to throw the kind of party where your guests wake up today, and call
28386 you to say they had a nice time. Now you'll be be expected to throw
28387 another party next year.
28389 What you should do is throw the kind of party where your guest wake up
28390 several days from now and call their lawyers to find out if they've
28391 been indicted for anything. You want your guests to be so anxious to
28392 avoid a recurrence of your party that they immediately start planning
28393 parties of their own, a year in advance, just to prevent you from
28394 having another one ...
28396 If your party is successful, the police will knock on your door, unless
28397 your party is very successful in which case they will lob tear gas
28398 through your living room window. As host, your job is to make sure
28399 that they don't arrest anybody. Or if they're dead set on arresting
28400 someone, your job is to make sure it isn't you ...
28403 If you took all of the grains of sand in the world, and lined
28404 them up end to end in a row, you'd be working for the government!
28407 If you took all the students that felt asleep in class and laid them
28408 end to end, they'd be a lot more comfortable.
28409 -- "Graffiti in the Big Ten"
28411 If you took all the women at the Harvard Prom
28412 and laid them end to end, I wouldn't be a bit surprised.
28415 If you treat people right they will treat you right -- 90% of the time.
28418 If you try to please everyone, somebody is not going to like it.
28420 If you understand what you're doing, you're not learning anything.
28423 If you wait long enough, it will go away... after having
28424 done its damage. If it was bad, it will be back.
28426 If you want divine justice, die.
28429 If you want me to be a good little bunny
28430 just dangle some carats in front of my nose.
28433 If you want to be ruined, marry a rich woman.
28436 If you want to get rich from writing, write the sort of thing that's
28437 read by persons who move their lips when they're reading to themselves.
28440 If you want to know how old a man is, ask his brother-in-law.
28442 If you want to know what god thinks of money, just look at the people
28446 If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.
28449 If you want to put yourself on the map, publish your own map.
28451 If you want to read about love and marriage you've got to buy two separate
28455 If you want to see card tricks, you have to expect to take cards.
28456 -- Harry Blackstone
28458 If you want to understand your government, don't begin by reading the
28459 Constitution. It conveys precious little of the flavor of today's
28460 statecraft. Instead, read selected portions of the Washington
28461 telephone directory containing listings for all the organizations with
28462 titles beginning with the word "National".
28465 If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every
28466 word you say, talk in your sleep.
28468 "If you wants to get elected president, you'se got to think up some
28469 memoraboble homily so's school kids can be pestered into memorizin' it,
28470 even if they don't know what it means."
28471 -- Walt Kelly, "The Pogo Party"
28473 If you waste your time cooking, you'll miss the next meal.
28475 If you will practice being fictional for a while, you will understand that
28476 fictional characters are sometimes more real than people with bodies and
28479 If you wish to be happy for one hour, get drunk.
28480 If you wish to be happy for three days, get married.
28481 If you wish to be happy for a month, kill your pig and eat it.
28482 If you wish to be happy forever, learn to fish.
28485 If you wish to live wisely, ignore sayings -- including this one.
28487 If you wish to succeed, consult three old people.
28489 If you wish women to love you, be original; I know a man who wore fur
28490 boots summer and winter, and women fell in love with him.
28493 If you work for a man, in heaven's name, work for him.
28494 If he pays you wages which supply you bread and butter, work for him; speak
28495 well of him; stand by him, and by the institution he represents.
28496 If put to a pinch, an ounce of loyalty is worth a pound of cleverness.
28497 If you must vilify, condemn and eternally find disparage -- resign your
28498 position, and when you are outside, damn to your heart's content...
28499 but, as long as you are part of the institution do not condemn it.
28500 If you do that, you are loosening the tendrils that are holding you to the
28501 institution, and at the first high wind that comes along, you will
28502 be uprooted and blown away, and probably will never know the reason
28505 If you would keep a secret from an enemy, tell it not to a friend.
28507 If you would know the value of money, go try to borrow some.
28508 -- Benjamin Franklin
28510 If you would understand your own age, read the works
28511 of fiction produced in it. People in disguise speak freely.
28513 If you'd like to cultivate insomnia,
28514 Bed down with a pretty girl.
28517 If your aim in life is nothing; you can't miss.
28519 If your bread is stale, make toast.
28521 If your enemy is buried in quicksand up to his neck, pull him out.
28522 If he is buried up to his eyes, step on his head.
28523 -- Niccolo Machiavelli, "The Prince"
28525 If your happiness depends on what somebody else does,
28526 I guess you do have a problem.
28527 -- Richard Bach, "Illusions"
28529 If your life was a horse, you'd have to shoot it.
28531 If your mother knew what you're doing,
28532 she'd probably hang her head and cry.
28534 If your parents don't have kids, neither will you.
28536 If your sexual fantasies were truly of interest to others, they would no
28537 longer be fantasies.
28540 If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's real
28541 embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.
28544 If you're careful enough, nothing
28545 bad or good will ever happen to you.
28547 If you're carrying a torch, put it down.
28548 The Olympics are over.
28550 If you're constantly being mistreated,
28551 you're cooperating with the treatment.
28553 If you're crossing the nation in a covered wagon, it's better to have four
28554 strong oxen than 100 chickens. Chickens are OK but we can't make them work
28556 -- Ross Bott, Pyramid U.S., on multiprocessors at AUUGM '89
28558 If you're going to America, bring your own food.
28559 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"
28561 If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for
28562 tomorrow morning, sleep late.
28565 If you're going to walk on thin ice, you might as well dance.
28567 If you're happy, you're successful.
28569 If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
28571 If you're not very clever you should be conciliatory.
28572 -- Benjamin Disraeli
28574 If you're right 90% of the time, why quibble about the remaining 3%?
28576 If you're worried by earthquakes and nuclear war,
28577 As well as by traffic and crime,
28578 Consider how worry-free gophers are,
28579 Though living on burrowed time.
28580 -- Richard Armour, WSJ, 11/7/83
28582 "If you've done six impossible things before breakfast, why not round
28583 it off with dinner at Milliway's, the restaurant at the end of the
28586 If you've seen one redwood, you've seen them all.
28590 The overlapping moment of time when the hand is locking the car
28591 door even as the brain is saying, "my keys are in there!"
28592 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
28595 When you don't know anything, and someone else finds out.
28597 Ignorance is bliss.
28600 Fortune updates the great quotes, #42:
28601 BLISS is ignorance.
28603 Ignorance is never out of style. It was in fashion yesterday, it is the
28604 rage today, and it will set the pace tomorrow.
28605 -- Franklin K. Dane
28607 Ignorance is when you don't know anything and somebody finds it out.
28609 Ignorance must certainly be bliss or there wouldn't be so many people
28610 so resolutely pursuing it.
28612 Ignore previous fortune.
28614 Il brilgue: les t^
\boves libricilleux
28615 Se gyrent et frillant dans le guave,
28616 Enm^
\bim'
\bes sont les gougebosquex,
28617 Et le m^
\bomerade horgrave.
28618 -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass"
28620 Il brilgue: les toves libricilleux
28621 Se gyrent et frillant dans le guave,
28622 Enmimes sont les gougebosquex,
28623 Et le momerade horgrave.
28625 Es brilig war. Die schlichte Toven
28626 Wirrten und wimmelten in Waben;
28627 Und aller-mumsige Burggoven
28628 Dir mohmen Rath ausgraben.
28631 There is always an easier way to do it. When looking directly
28632 at the easy way, especially for long periods, you will not see it.
28635 I'll be comfortable on the couch. Famous last words.
28638 I'll be Grateful when they're Dead.
28640 I'll burn my books.
28641 -- Christopher Marlowe
28643 "I'll carry your books, I'll carry a tune, I'll carry on, carry over,
28644 carry forward, Cary Grant, cash & carry, Carry Me Back To Old Virginia,
28645 I'll even Hara Kari if you show me how, but I will *not* carry a gun."
28646 -- Hawkeye, M*A*S*H
28648 I'll defend to the death your right to say that, but I never said I'd
28650 -- Tom Galloway with apologies to Voltaire
28652 I'll give you my opinion of the human race in a nutshell ... their heart's
28653 in the right place, but their head is a thoroughly inefficient organ.
28654 -- W. Somerset Maugham, "The Summing Up"
28656 I'll grant thee random access to my heart,
28657 Thoul't tell me all the constants of thy love;
28658 And so we two shall all love's lemmas prove
28659 And in our bound partition never part.
28660 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
28662 I'll grant thee random access to my heart,
28663 Thou'lt tell me all the constants of thy love;
28664 And so we two shall all love's lemmas prove
28665 And in our bound partition never part.
28667 Cancel me not -- for what then shall remain?
28668 Abscissas, some mantissas, modules, modes,
28669 A root or two, a torus and a node:
28670 The inverse of my verse, a null domain.
28672 I see the eigenvalue in thine eye,
28673 I hear the tender tensor in thy sigh.
28674 Bernoulli would have been content to die
28675 Had he but known such a-squared cos 2(thi)!
28677 I'll learn to play the Saxophone,
28678 I play just what I feel.
28679 Drink Scotch whisky all night long,
28680 And die behind the wheel.
28681 They got a name for the winners in the world,
28682 I want a name when I lose.
28683 They call Alabama the Crimson Tide,
28684 Call me Deacon Blues.
28685 -- Becker and Fagan, "Deacon Blues"
28687 I'll meet you... on the dark side of the moon...
28690 I'll never get off this planet.
28693 I'll pretend to trust you if you'll pretend to trust me.
28695 "I'll rob that rich person and give it to some poor deserving slob.
28696 That will *prove* I'm Robin Hood."
28697 -- Daffy Duck, "Robin Hood Daffy", [1958, Chuck Jones]
28699 I'll turn over a new leaf.
28700 -- Miguel de Cervantes
28702 Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask
28706 Immigration is the sincerest form of flattery.
28709 Illegitimi non carborundum
28710 (translation: no carbonated drinks allowed.)
28712 Illinois isn't exactly the land that God forgot -- it's more like the
28713 land He's trying to ignore.
28715 Illiterate? Write today, for free help!
28717 Illusion is the first of all pleasures.
28720 "I'm a creationist; I refuse to believe that I could have evolved from
28723 "I'm a doctor, not a mechanic."
28724 -- "The Doomsday Machine", when asked if he had heard of
28725 the idea of a doomsday machine.
28726 "I'm a doctor, not an escalator."
28727 -- "Friday's Child", when asked to help the very pregnant
28728 Ellen up a steep incline.
28729 "I'm a doctor, not a bricklayer."
28730 -- "Devil in the Dark", when asked to patch up the Horta.
28731 "I'm a doctor, not an engineer."
28732 -- "Mirror, Mirror", when asked by Scotty for help in
28733 Engineering aboard the USS Enterprise.
28734 "I'm a doctor, not a coalminer."
28735 -- "The Empath", on being beneath the surface of Minara 2.
28736 "I'm a surgeon, not a psychiatrist."
28737 -- "City on the Edge of Forever", on Edith Keeler's remark
28738 that Kirk talked strangely.
28739 "I'm no magician, Spock, just an old country doctor."
28740 -- "The Deadly Years", to Spock while trying to cure the
28741 aging effects of the rogue comet near Gamma Hydra 4.
28742 "What am I, a doctor or a moonshuttle conductor?"
28743 -- "The Corbomite Maneuver", when Kirk rushed off from a
28744 physical exam to answer the alert.
28746 I'm a Hollywood writer; so I put on
28747 a sports jacket and take off my brain.
28749 I'm a Lisp variable -- bind me!
28751 I'm a lucky guy, and I'm happy to be with the Yankees. And I want to
28752 thank everyone for making this night necessary.
28753 -- Yogi Berra at a dinner in his honor
28755 "I'm all for computer dating, but I wouldn't want one to marry my
28758 I'm also inclined to believe that if you wait long enough, you will
28759 eventually have more than 255 of almost *anything*....
28762 I'm always looking for a new idea that
28763 will be more productive than its cost.
28764 -- David Rockefeller
28767 But it's not what I really want to do.
28768 What I really want to do is be a shoe salesman.
28769 I know what you're going to say --
28770 "Dreamer! Get your head out of the clouds."
28771 All right! But it's what I want to do.
28772 Instead I have to go on painting all day long.
28774 The world should make a place for shoe salesmen.
28777 I'm an evolutionist; I refuse to believe
28778 that I could have been created by man.
28780 "I'm ANN LANDERS!! I can SHOPLIFT!!"
28781 -- Zippy the Pinhead
28783 I'm changing my name to Chrysler
28784 I'm going down to Washington, D.C.
28785 I'll tell some power broker
28786 What they did for Iacocca
28787 Will be perfectly acceptable to me!
28788 I'm changing my name to Chrysler,
28789 I'm heading for that great receiving line.
28790 When they hand a million grand out,
28791 I'll be standing with my hand out,
28792 Yessir, I'll get mine!
28795 I'm defending her honor, which is more than she ever did.
28797 I'm dying beyond my means.
28798 -- Oscar Wilde, his last words, while sipping champagne
28800 "I'm dying," he croaked.
28801 "My experiment was a success," the chemist retorted .
28802 "You can't really train a beagle," he dogmatized.
28803 "That's no beagle, it's a mongrel," she muttered.
28804 "The fire is going out," he bellowed.
28805 "Bad marksmanship," the hunter groused.
28806 "You ought to see a psychiatrist," he reminded me.
28807 "You snake," she rattled.
28808 "Someone's at the door," she chimed.
28809 "Company's coming," she guessed.
28810 "Dawn came too soon," she mourned.
28811 "I think I'll end it all," Sue sighed.
28812 "I ordered chocolate, not vanilla," I screamed.
28813 "Your embroidery is sloppy," she needled cruelly.
28814 "Where did you get this meat?" he bridled hoarsely.
28815 -- Gyles Brandreth, "The Joy of Lex"
28817 "I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to
28821 I'm for bringing back the birch, but only for consenting adults.
28824 I'm free -- and freedom tastes of reality.
28826 I'm glad I was not born before tea.
28827 -- Sidney Smith (1771-1845)
28829 I'm glad that I'm an American,
28830 I'm glad that I am free,
28831 But I wish I were a little doggy,
28832 And McGovern were a tree.
28834 I'm going through my "I want to go back to New York" phase today. Happens
28835 every six months or so. So, I thought, perhaps unwisely, that I'd share
28838 > In New York in the winter it is million degrees below zero and
28839 the wind travels at a million miles an hour down 5th avenue.
28840 > And in LA it's 72.
28842 > In New York in the summer it is a million degrees and the humidity
28843 is a million percent.
28844 > And in LA it's 72.
28846 > In New York there are a million interesting people.
28847 > And in LA there are 72.
28849 I'm going to Boston to see my doctor. He's a very sick man.
28852 I'm going to give my psychoanalyst one more year, then I'm going to Lourdes.
28855 I'm going to live forever, or die trying!
28858 I'm going to raise an issue and stick it in your ear.
28861 I'm going to Vietnam at the request of the White House. President Johnson
28862 says a war isn't really a war without my jokes.
28865 I'm hungry, time to eat lunch.
28867 I'm in Pittsburgh. Why am I here?
28870 "I'm in Pittsburgh. Why am I here?"
28871 -- Harold Urey, Nobel Laureate
28873 I'm just as sad as sad can be!
28874 I've missed your special date.
28875 Please say that you're not mad at me
28876 My tax return is late.
28877 -- Modern Lines for Modern Greeting Cards
28879 I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be
28883 I'm N-ary the tree, I am,
28884 N-ary the tree, I am, I am.
28885 I'm getting traversed by the parser next door,
28886 She's traversed me seven times before.
28887 And ev'ry time it was an N-ary (N-ary!)
28888 Never wouldn't ever do a binary. (No sir!)
28889 I'm 'er eighth tree that was N-ary.
28890 N-ary the tree I am, I am,
28891 N-ary the tree I am.
28892 Stolen from Paul Revere and the Raiders
28894 I'm not a lovable man.
28897 I'm not a real movie star -- I've still got the same wife I started out
28898 with twenty-eight years ago.
28901 I'm not afraid of death -- I just don't want to be there when it happens.
28904 I'm not denyin' the women are foolish: God Almighty made 'em to
28908 I'm not even going to *bother* comparing C to BASIC or FORTRAN.
28909 -- L. Zolman, creator of BDS C
28911 I'm not laughing with you, I'm laughing at you.
28913 I'm not offering myself as an example;
28914 every life evolves by its own laws.
28916 I'm not prejudiced, I hate everyone equally.
28920 "I'm not stupid, I'm not expendable, and I'M NOT GOING!"
28922 I'm not sure I've even got the brains to be President.
28923 -- Barry Goldwater, in 1964
28925 I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert!
28927 I'm not the person your mother warned you about... her imagination isn't
28931 "I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am.
28932 It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get."
28934 I'm often asked the question, "Do you think there is extraterrestrial intelli-
28935 gence?" I give the standard arguments -- there are a lot of places out there,
28936 and use the word *billions*, and so on. And then I say it would be astonishing
28937 to me if there weren't extraterrestrial intelligence, but of course there is as
28938 yet no compelling evidence for it. And then I'm asked, "Yeah, but what do you
28939 really think?" I say, "I just told you what I really think." "Yeah, but
28940 what's your gut feeling?" But I try not to think with my gut. Really, it's
28941 okay to reserve judgment until the evidence is in.
28944 "I'm prepared for all emergencies but totally unprepared for everyday
28947 I'm proud to be paying taxes in the United States. The only thing is
28948 -- I could be just as proud for half the money.
28953 "I'm really enjoying not talking to you ... Let's not talk again ____
\b\b\b\bREAL
28956 I'm really enjoying not talking to you...
28957 Let's not talk again REAL soon...
28959 "I'm returning this note to you, instead of your paper, because it
28960 (your paper) presently occupies the bottom of my bird cage."
28961 -- English Professor, Providence College
28963 I'm so broke I can't even pay attention.
28965 I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here.
28967 "I'm sorry, but after reading this thread, I'm having a hard time
28968 coming up with an explanation for this nonsense which doesn't involve
28969 you being a dumbass."
28970 -- Bill Paul <wpaul@FreeBSD.org>
28972 I'm sorry, but my kharma just ran over your dogma.
28974 I'm sorry I missed.
28977 I'm sorry if the correct way of doing things offends you.
28979 I'm still waiting for the advent of the computer science groupie.
28981 I'm successful because I'm lucky.
28982 The harder I work, the luckier I get.
28984 "I'm terribly sorry, sir," the novice barber apologized, after badly nicking
28985 a customer. "Let me wrap your head in a towel."
28986 "That's all right," said the customer. "I'll just take it home under
28989 I'm very good at integral and differential calculus,
28990 I know the scientific names of beings animalculous;
28991 In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral,
28992 I am the very model of a modern Major-General.
28993 -- Gilbert & Sullivan, "Pirates of Penzance"
28995 I'm very old-fashioned. I believe that people should marry for life,
28996 like pigeons and Catholics.
28999 "I'm willing to sacrifice anything for this cause, even other people's
29002 Imagination is more important than knowledge.
29005 Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality.
29006 -- Jules de Gaultier
29008 "Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the
29009 usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody
29010 thinks of complaining."
29011 -- Jeff Raskin, interviewed in Doctor Dobb's Journal
29013 Imagine that Cray computer decides to make a personal computer. It has
29014 a 150 MHz processor, 200 megabytes of RAM, 1500 megabytes of disk
29015 storage, a screen resolution of 4096 x 4096 pixels, relies entirely on
29016 voice recognition for input, fits in your shirt pocket and costs $300.
29017 What's the first question that the computer community asks?
29019 "Is it PC compatible?"
29021 Imagine there's no heaven... it's easy if you try.
29022 -- John Lennon, "Imagine"
29024 Imagine what we can imagine!
29025 -- Arthur Rubinstein
29027 Imbalance of power corrupts and monopoly of power corrupts absolutely.
29030 Imbesi's Law with Freeman's Extension:
29031 In order for something to become clean, something else must
29032 become dirty; but you can get everything dirty without getting
29035 Imitation is the sincerest form of television.
29038 Immanuel doesn't pun, he Kant.
29040 Immanuel Kant but Kubla Khan.
29042 Immature artists imitate, mature artists steal.
29045 Immature poets imitate, mature poets steal.
29046 -- T. S. Eliot, "Philip Massinger"
29048 Immigration is the sincerest form of flattery.
29051 Immortality -- a fate worse than death.
29054 Immutability, Three Rules of:
29055 (1) If a tarpaulin can flap, it will.
29056 (2) If a small boy can get dirty, he will.
29057 (3) If a teenager can go out, he will.
29060 Unable to perceive any promise of personal advantage from
29061 espousing either side of a controversy or adopting either of two
29062 conflicting opinions.
29063 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
29065 Important letters which contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.
29066 Corresponding errors will show up in the duplicate while the Boss is reading
29067 it. Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by spontaneously moving
29068 from where you left them to where you can't find them.
29070 Important letters which contain no errors will develop errors in the
29071 mail. Corresponding errors will show up in the duplicate while the
29072 Boss is reading it.
29075 (1) I wouldn't like it and when it happens I won't approve;
29076 (2) I can't be bothered;
29077 (3) God can't be bothered.
29078 Meaning (3) may perhaps be valid but the others are 101% whaledreck.
29079 -- Chad C. Mulligan, "The Hipcrime Vocab"
29081 In 1750 Isaac Newton became discouraged when he fell up a flight of
29084 In 1869 the waffle iron was invented for people who had wrinkled
29087 In 1880 the French captured Detroit but gave it back ... they couldn't
29090 In 1914, the first crossword puzzle was printed in a newspaper. The
29091 creator received $4000 down ... and $3000 across.
29093 In 1915 pancake make-up was invented but most people still preferred
29096 In 1967, the Soviet Government minted a beautiful silver ruble with Lenin
29097 in a very familiar pose - arms raised above him, leading the country to
29098 revolution. But, it was clear to everybody, that if you looked at it from
29099 behind, it was clear that Lenin was pointing to 11:00, when the Vodka
29100 shops opened, and was actually saying, "Comrades, forward to the Vodka shops.
29102 It became fashionable, when one wanted to have a drink, to take out the
29103 ruble and say, "Oh my goodness, Comrades, Lenin tells me we should go.
29105 In 1989, the United States, which was displeased with the policies of the
29106 dictator of Panama, invaded that country and placed in power a government
29107 more to its liking.
29109 In 1990, Iraq, which was displeased with the policies of the dictator of
29110 Kuwait, invaded that country and placed in power a government more to its
29113 In a bottle, the neck is always at the top.
29115 In a circuit with a fast-acting fuse,
29116 an IC will blow to protect the fuse.
29118 In a consumer society there are inevitably two kinds of slaves:
29119 the prisoners of addiction and the prisoners of envy.
29121 In a country where the sole employer is the State, opposition means death
29122 by slow starvation. The old principle: Who does not work shall not eat,
29123 has been replaced by a new one: Who does not obey shall not eat.
29124 -- Leon Trotsky, 1937
29126 In a display of perverse brilliance, Carl the repairman mistakes a room
29127 humidifier for a mid-range computer but manages to tie it into the network
29131 In a five year period we can get one superb programming language. Only
29132 we can't control when the five year period will begin.
29134 In a gathering of two or more people, when a lighted cigarette is
29135 placed in an ashtray, the smoke will waft into the face of the non-smoker.
29137 In a great romance, each person basically plays a part that the
29138 other really likes.
29139 -- Elizabeth Ashley
29141 In a hierarchy every employee tends to rise to his level of incompetence ...
29142 in time every post tends to be occupied by an employee who is incompetent
29143 to carry out its duties ... Work is accomplished by those employees who
29144 have not yet reached their level of incompetence.
29145 -- Dr. Laurence J. Peter, "The Peter Principle"
29147 In a medium in which a News Piece takes a minute and an "In-Depth"
29148 Piece takes two minutes, the Simple will drive out the Complex.
29149 -- Frank Mankiewicz
29151 In a minimum-phase system there is an inextricable link between
29152 frequency response, phase response and transient response, as they
29153 are all merely transforms of one another. This combined with
29154 minimization of open-loop errors in output amplifiers and correct
29155 compensation for non-linear passive crossover network loading can
29156 lead to a significant decrease in system resolution lost. However,
29157 this all means jack when you listen to Pink Floyd.
29159 In a museum in Havana, there are two skulls of Christopher Columbus,
29160 "one when he was a boy and one when he was a man."
29163 In a surprise raid last night, federal agent's ransacked a house in search
29164 of a rebel computer hacker. However, they were unable to complete the arrest
29165 because the warrant was made out in the name of Don Provan, while the only
29166 person in the house was named don provan. Proving, once again, that Unix is
29167 superior to Tops10.
29169 In a whiskey it's age, in a cigarette it's
29170 taste and in a sports car it's impossible.
29172 In Africa some of the native tribes have a custom of beating the ground
29173 with clubs and uttering spine chilling cries. Anthropologists call
29174 this a form of primitive self-expression. In America we call it golf.
29176 In America, any boy may become president and I suppose that's just one
29177 of the risks he takes.
29180 In America, it's not how much an item costs, it's how much you save.
29182 In America today ... we have Woody Allen, whose humor has become so
29183 sophisticated that nobody gets it any more except Mia Farrow. All
29184 those who think Mia Farrow should go back to making movies where the
29185 devil gets her pregnant and Woody Allen should go back to dressing up
29186 as a human sperm, please raise your hands. Thank you.
29187 -- Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny"
29189 In an age when the fashion is to be in love with yourself, confessing to
29190 be in love with somebody else is an admission of unfaithfulness to one's
29194 In an orderly world, there's always a place for the disorderly.
29196 In an organization, each person rises to the level of his own
29198 -- The Peter Principle
29200 In any country there must be people who have to die. They are the
29201 sacrifices any nation has to make to achieve law and order.
29204 In any formula, constants (especially those obtained from handbooks)
29205 are to be treated as variables.
29207 In any problem, if you find yourself doing an infinite amount of work,
29208 the answer may be obtained by inspection.
29210 "In any world menu, Canada must be considered the vichyssoise of
29211 nations -- it's cold, half-French, and difficult to stir."
29214 In Blythe, California, a city ordinance declares that a person must own
29215 at least two cows before he can wear cowboy boots in public.
29217 In Boston, it is illegal to hold frog-jumping contests in nightclubs.
29220 A catch basin for everything you don't want
29221 to deal with, but are afraid to throw away.
29223 In breeding cattle you need one bull for every twenty-five cows, unless
29224 the cows are known sluts.
29227 In Brooklyn, we had such great pennant races, it
29228 made the World Series just something that came later.
29229 -- Walter O'Malley, Dodgers owner
29231 In buying horses and taking a wife
29232 shut your eyes tight and commend yourself to God.
29234 In California, Bill Honig, the Superintendent of Public Instruction, said he
29235 thought the general public should have a voice in defining what an excellent
29236 teacher should know. "I would not leave the definition of math," Dr. Honig
29237 said, "up to the mathematicians."
29238 -- The New York Times, October 22, 1985
29240 In California they don't throw their garbage away -- they make
29241 it into television shows.
29242 -- Woody Allen, "Annie Hall"
29244 In case of atomic attack, all work rules will be temporarily suspended.
29246 In case of atomic attack, the federal ruling against prayer in schools
29247 will be temporarily canceled.
29249 In case of fire, stand in the hall and shout "Fire!"
29250 -- The Kidner Report
29252 In case of fire, yell "FIRE!"
29254 In case of injury notify your superior immediately. He'll kiss it and
29257 In charity there is no excess.
29260 In childhood a woman must be subject to her father; in youth to her
29261 husband; when her husband is dead, to her sons. A woman must never
29262 be free of subjugation.
29263 -- The Hindu Code of Manu
29265 In Christianity, a man may have only one wife.
29266 This is called Monotony.
29268 In Columbia, Pennsylvania, it is against the law for a pilot to tickle
29269 a female flying student under her chin with a feather duster in order
29270 to get her attention.
29272 In computing, the mean time to failure keeps getting shorter.
29274 In Corning, Iowa, it's a misdemeanor for a man to ask his wife to ride
29275 in any motor vehicle.
29277 "In defeat, unbeatable; in victory, unbearable."
29278 -- Winston Churchill, on General Montgomery
29280 In Denver it is unlawful to lend your vacuum cleaner to your next-door
29283 In Devon, Connecticut, it is unlawful to walk backwards after sunset.
29285 In Dr. Johnson's famous dictionary patriotism is defined as the last
29286 resort of the scoundrel. With all due respect to an enlightened but
29287 inferior lexicographer I beg to submit that it is the first.
29288 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
29290 In dwelling, be close to the land.
29291 In meditation, delve deep into the heart.
29292 In dealing with others, be gentle and kind.
29293 In speech, be true.
29294 In work, be competent.
29295 In action, be careful of your timing.
29298 In English, every word can be verbed. Would that it were so in our
29299 programming languages.
29301 In every country and every age, the priest has been hostile to Liberty.
29302 -- Thomas Jefferson
29304 In every hierarchy the cream rises until it sours.
29305 -- Dr. Laurence J. Peter
29307 In every job that must be done, there is an element of fun.
29308 Find the fun and snap! The job's a game.
29309 And every task you undertake, becomes a piece of cake,
29310 a lark, a spree; it's very clear to see.
29313 In every non-trivial program there is at least one bug.
29315 In fact, S. M. Simpson, eventually devised an efficient 24-point Fourier
29316 transform, which was a precursor to the Cooley-Tukey fast Fourier transform
29317 in 1965. The FFT made all of Simpson's efficient autocorrelation and
29318 spectrum programs instantly obsolete, on which he had worked half a lifetime.
29319 -- Proc. IEEE, Sept. 1982, p.900
29321 In fiction the recourse of the powerless is murder;
29322 in life the recourse of the powerless is petty theft.
29324 In Germany they first came for the Communists and I didn't speak up because
29325 I wasn't a Communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn't speak up
29326 because I wasn't a Jew. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I
29327 didn't speak up because I wasn't a trade unionist. Then they came for the
29328 Catholics, and I didn't speak up because I was a Protestant. Then they came
29329 for me -- and by that time no one was left to speak up.
29330 -- Pastor Martin Niemoller
29332 In God we trust; all else we walk through.
29334 In good speaking, should not the mind of the speaker
29335 know the truth of the matter about which he is to speak?
29338 In Greene, New York, it is illegal to eat peanuts and walk backwards on
29339 the sidewalks when a concert is on.
29341 In her first passion woman loves her lover,
29342 In all the others all she loves is love.
29343 -- George Gordon, Lord Byron, "Don Juan"
29345 In high school in Brooklyn
29346 I was the baseball manager,
29347 proud as I could be
29348 I chased baseballs,
29349 gathered thrown bats
29350 handed out the towels Eventually, I bought my own
29351 It was very important work but it was dark blue while
29352 for a small spastic kid, the official ones were green
29353 but I was a team member Nobody ever said anything
29354 When the team got to me about my blue jacket;
29355 their warm-up jackets the guys were my friends
29356 I didn't get one Yet it hurt me all year
29357 Only the regular team to wear that blue jacket
29358 got these jackets, and among all those green ones
29359 surely not a manager Even now, forty years after,
29360 I still recall that jacket
29361 and the memory goes on hurting.
29362 -- Bart Lanier Safford III, "An Obscured Radiance"
29364 In Hollywood, all marriages are happy. It's trying to live together
29365 afterwards that causes the problems.
29368 In Hollywood, if you don't have happiness, you send out for it.
29371 In India, "cold weather" is merely a conventional phrase and has come
29372 into use through the necessity of having some way to distinguish
29373 between weather which will melt a brass door-knob and weather which
29374 will only make it mushy.
29377 In Italy, for thirty years under the Borgias, they had warfare, terror,
29378 murder, and bloodshed, but they produced Michelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci
29379 and the Renaissance. In Switzerland, they had brotherly love, they had
29380 five hundred years of democracy and peace -- and what did they produce?
29382 -- Orson Welles, "The Third Man"
29384 In just seven days, I can make you a man!
29385 -- The Rocky Horror Picture Show
29386 [ (and seven nights...) Ed.]
29388 In less than a century, computers will be making substantial
29389 progress on ... the overriding problem of war and peace.
29392 In Lexington, Kentucky, it's illegal to carry an ice cream cone in your
29395 In like a dimwit, out like a light.
29398 In love, she who gives her portrait promises the original.
29401 In Lowes Crossroads, Delaware, it is a violation of local law for any
29402 pilot or passenger to carry an ice cream cone in their pocket while
29403 either flying or waiting to board a plane.
29405 In marriage, as in war, it is permitted
29406 to take every advantage of the enemy.
29408 In Marseilles they make half the toilet soap we consume in America, but
29409 the Marseillaise only have a vague theoretical idea of its use, which they
29410 have obtained from books of travel.
29413 In matters of principle, stand like a rock;
29414 in matters of taste, swim with the current.
29415 -- Thomas Jefferson
29417 In Memphis, Tennessee, it is illegal for a woman to drive a car unless
29418 there is a man either running or walking in front of it waving a red
29419 flag to warn approaching motorists and pedestrians.
29421 In Mexico we have a word for sushi: bait.
29424 In Minnesota they ask why all football fields in Iowa have artificial turf.
29425 It's so the cheerleaders won't graze during the game.
29427 In most instances, all an argument
29428 proves is that two people are present.
29430 In my end is my beginning.
29431 -- Mary Stuart, Queen of Scots
29433 In my experience, if you have to keep the lavatory door shut by extending
29434 your left leg, it's modern architecture.
29435 -- Nancy Banks Smith
29437 IN MY OPINION anyone interested in improving himself should not rule out
29438 becoming pure energy.
29439 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican", 1988.
29441 In Nature there are neither rewards nor
29442 punishments, there are consequences.
29445 In Ohio, if you ignore an orator on Decoration day to such an extent as
29446 to publicly play croquet or pitch horseshoes within one mile of the
29447 speaker's stand, you can be fined $25.00.
29449 In olden times sacrifices were made at the altar --
29450 a practice which is still continued.
29453 In order to dial out, it is necessary to broaden one's dimension.
29455 In order to discover who you are, first learn who everybody else is;
29456 you're what's left.
29458 In order to get a loan you must first prove you don't need it.
29460 In order to live free and happily, you must sacrifice boredom.
29461 It is not always an easy sacrifice.
29463 "In order to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the
29465 -- Carl Sagan, Cosmos
29467 In our civilization, and under our republican form of government,
29468 intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from
29469 the cares of office.
29470 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
29472 In Oz, never say "krizzle kroo" to a Woozy.
29474 In Pierre Trudeau, Canada has finally produced
29475 a Prime Minister worthy of assassination.
29476 -- John Diefenbaker
29478 In Pocataligo, Georgia, it is a violation for a woman over 200 pounds
29479 and attired in shorts to pilot or ride in an airplane.
29481 In Pocatello, Idaho, a law passed in 1912 provided that "The carrying
29482 of concealed weapons is forbidden, unless same are exhibited to public
29485 In practice, failures in system development, like unemployment in Russia,
29486 happens a lot despite official propaganda to the contrary.
29489 In real love you want the other person's good. In romantic love you
29490 want the other person.
29491 -- Margaret Anderson
29493 In Riemann, Hilbert or in Banach space
29494 Let superscripts and subscripts go their ways.
29495 Our asymptotes no longer out of phase,
29496 We shall encounter, counting, face to face.
29497 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
29499 In San Francisco, Halloween is redundant.
29502 In science it often happens that scientists say, "You know that's a really
29503 good argument; my position is mistaken," and then they actually change
29504 their minds and you never hear that old view from them again. They really
29505 do it. It doesn't happen as often as it should, because scientists are
29506 human and change is sometimes painful. But it happens every day. I cannot
29507 recall the last time something like that happened in politics or religion.
29508 -- Carl Sagan, 1987 CSICOP keynote address
29510 In Seattle, Washington, it is illegal to carry a concealed weapon that
29511 is over six feet in length.
29513 In seeking the unattainable, simplicity only gets in the way.
29514 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
29516 "In short, _
\bN is Richardian if, and only if, _
\bN is not Richardian."
29518 In specifications, Murphy's Law supersedes Ohm's.
29520 In spite of everything, I still believe that people are good at heart.
29523 In success there's a tendency to keep on doing what you were doing.
29526 In Tennessee, it is illegal to shoot any game other than whales from a
29529 [In the 60's] there was madness in any direction, at any hour ... You
29530 could strike sparks anywhere. There was a fantastic universal sense
29531 that whatever we were doing was `right', that we were winning ...
29533 And that, I think, was the handle -- the sense of inevitable victory
29534 over the forces of Old and Evil. Not in any mean or military sense; we
29535 didn't need that. Our energy would simply `prevail'. There was no
29536 point in fighting -- on our side or theirs. We had all the momentum;
29537 we were riding the crest of a high and beautiful wave ...
29539 So now, less than five years later, you can go up on a steep hill in
29540 Las Vegas and look West, and with the right kind of eyes you can almost
29541 ___
\b\b\bsee the high-water mark -- the place where the wave finally broke and
29543 -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas"
29545 In the beginning there was nothing. And the Lord said "Let There Be Light!"
29546 And still there was nothing, but at least now you could see it.
29548 In the beginning was the word.
29549 But by the time the second word was added to it,
29551 For with it came syntax ...
29554 In the course of reading Hadamard's "The Psychology of Invention in the
29555 Mathematical Field", I have come across evidence supporting a fact
29556 which we coffee achievers have long appreciated: no really creative,
29557 intelligent thought is possible without a good cup of coffee. On page
29558 14, Hadamard is discussing Poincare's theory of fuchsian groups and
29559 fuchsian functions, which he describes as "... one of his greatest
29560 discoveries, the first which consecrated his glory ..." Hadamard refers
29561 to Poincare having had a "... sleepless night which initiated all that
29562 memorable work ..." and gives the following, very revealing quote:
29564 "One evening, contrary to my custom, I drank black coffee and
29565 could not sleep. Ideas rose in crowds; I felt them collide
29566 until pairs interlocked, so to speak, making a stable
29569 Too bad drinking black coffee was contrary to his custom. Maybe he
29570 could really have amounted to something as a coffee achiever.
29572 In the days of old,
29573 When Knights were bold,
29574 And women were too cautious;
29575 Oh, those gallant days,
29576 When women were women,
29577 And men were really obnoxious.
29579 In the days when Sussman was a novice Minsky once came to him as he sat
29580 hacking at the PDP-6. "What are you doing?", asked Minsky. "I am
29581 training a randomly wired neural net to play Tic-Tac-Toe." "Why is the
29582 net wired randomly?", asked Minsky. "I do not want it to have any
29583 preconceptions of how to play." Minsky shut his eyes. "Why do you
29584 close your eyes?", Sussman asked his teacher. "So the room will be
29585 empty." At that moment, Sussman was enlightened.
29587 In the dimestores and bus stations
29588 People talk of situations
29589 Read books repeat quotations
29590 Draw conclusions on the wall.
29593 In the early morning queue,
29594 With a listing in my hand.
29595 With a worry in my heart, There on terminal number 9,
29596 Waitin' here in CERAS-land. Pascal run all set to go.
29597 I'm a long way from sleep, But I'm waitin' in the queue,
29598 How I miss a good meal so. With this code that ever grows.
29599 In the early mornin' queue, Now the lobby chairs are soft,
29600 With no place to go. But that can't make the queue move fast.
29601 Hey, there it goes my friend,
29602 I've moved up one at last.
29603 -- Ernest Adams, "Early Morning Queue", to "Early
29604 Morning Rain" by G. Lightfoot
29606 In the east there is a shark which is larger than all other fish. It changes
29607 into a bird whose wings are like clouds filling the sky. When this bird
29608 moves across the land, it brings a message from Corporate Headquarters. This
29609 message it drops into the midst of the programmers, like a seagull making
29610 its mark upon the beach. Then the bird mounts on the wind and, with the blue
29611 sky at its back, returns home.
29613 The novice programmer stares in wonder at the bird, for he understands it not.
29614 The average programmer dreads the coming of the bird, for he fears its message.
29615 The master programmer continues to work at his terminal, for he does not know
29616 that the bird has come and gone.
29618 In the eyes of my dog, I'm a man.
29621 In the first place, God made idiots;
29622 this was for practice; then he made school boards.
29625 In the force if Yoda's so strong, construct a sentence with words in
29626 the proper order then why can't he?
29628 In the future, there will be fewer but better Russians.
29631 In the future, you're going to get computers as prizes in breakfast cereals.
29632 You'll throw them out because your house will be littered with them.
29634 In the Halls of Justice the only justice is in the halls.
29637 In the highest society, as well as in the lowest,
29638 woman is merely an instrument of pleasure.
29641 In the land of the dark, the Ship of the Sun is driven by the Grateful
29643 -- Egyptian Book of the Dead
29645 In the long run, every program becomes rococo, and then rubble.
29648 In the long run we are all dead.
29649 -- John Maynard Keynes
29651 In the middle of a wide field is a pot of gold. 100 feet to the north stands
29652 a smart manager. 100 feet to the south stands a dumb manager. 100 feet to
29653 the east is the Easter Bunny, and 100 feet to the west is Santa Claus.
29655 Q: Who gets to the pot of gold first?
29656 A: The dumb manager. All the rest are myths.
29658 In the midst of one of the wildest parties he'd ever been to, the young man
29659 noticed a very prim and pretty girl sitting quietly apart from the rest of
29660 the revelers. Approaching her, he introduced himself and, after some quiet
29661 conversation, said, "I'm afraid you and I don't really fit in with this
29662 jaded group. Why don't I take you home?""
29663 "Fine," said the girl, smiling up at him demurely. "Where do you
29666 In the misfortune of our friends we find something that is not
29668 -- La Rochefoucauld, "Maxims"
29670 In the next world, you're on your own.
29672 In the Old West a wagon train is crossing the plains. As night falls the
29673 wagon train forms a circle, and a campfire is lit in the middle. After
29674 everyone has gone to sleep two lone cavalry officers stand watch over the
29676 After several hours of quiet, they hear war drums starting from
29677 a nearby Indian village they had passed during the day. The drums get
29679 Finally one soldier turns to the other and says, "I don't like
29680 the sound of those drums."
29681 Suddenly, they hear a cry come from the Indian camp: "IT'S
29682 NOT OUR REGULAR DRUMMER."
29684 In the olden days in England, you could be hung for stealing a sheep or
29685 a loaf of bread. However, if a sheep stole a loaf of bread and gave it
29686 to you, you would only be tried for receiving, a crime punishable by
29687 forty lashes with the cat or the dog, whichever was handy. If you
29688 stole a dog and were caught, you were punished with twelve rabbit
29689 punches, although it was hard to find rabbits big enough or strong
29690 enough to punch you.
29691 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
29693 In the plot, people came to the land; the land loved them; they worked and
29694 struggled and had lots of children. There was a Frenchman who talked funny
29695 and a greenhorn from England who was a fancy-pants but when it came to the
29696 crunch he was all courage. Those novels would make you retch.
29697 -- Canadian novelist Robertson Davies, on the generic Canadian
29700 In the space of one hundred and seventy-six years the Mississippi has
29701 shortened itself two hundred and forty-two miles. Therefore ... in the
29702 Old Silurian Period the Mississippi River was upward of one million
29703 three hundred thousand miles long ... seven hundred and forty-two years
29704 from now the Mississippi will be only a mile and three-quarters long.
29705 ... There is something fascinating about science. One gets such
29706 wholesome returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of
29710 In the Spring, I have counted 136
29711 different kinds of weather inside of 24 hours.
29712 -- Mark Twain, on New England weather
29714 In the stairway of life, you'd best take the elevator.
29716 In the Top 40, half the songs are secret messages to the teen world to
29717 drop out, turn on, and groove with the chemicals and light shows at
29721 In the war of wits, he's unarmed.
29723 In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice.
29724 In practice, there is.
29726 In these matters the only certainty is that there is nothing certain.
29731 Your head grows bald
29735 In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.
29736 -- Benjamin Franklin
29738 In this world of sin and sorrow there is always something to be
29739 thankful for; as for me, I rejoice that I am not a Republican.
29742 In this world some people are going to like me and some are not.
29743 So, I may as well be me. Then I know if someone likes me, they like me.
29745 In this world there are only two tragedies. One is
29746 not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.
29749 In this world, truth can wait; she's used to it.
29751 In those days he was wiser than he is now -- he used to frequently take
29753 -- Winston Churchill
29755 In time, every post tends to be occupied by an
29756 employee who is incompetent to carry out its duties.
29757 -- Dr. Laurence J. Peter
29759 In Tulsa, Oklahoma, it is against the law to open a soda bottle without
29760 the supervision of a licensed engineer.
29762 In /users3 did Kubla Kahn
29763 A stately pleasure dome decree,
29764 Where /bin, the sacred river ran
29765 Through Test Suites measureless to Man
29766 Down to a sunless C.
29768 In war it is not men, but the man who counts.
29771 In war, truth is the first casualty.
29774 In West Union, Ohio, No married man can go flying without his spouse
29775 along at any time, unless he has been married for more than 12 months.
29777 In which level of metalanguage are you now speaking?
29779 In wine there is truth (In vino veritas).
29782 In Xanadu did Kubla Khan a stately pleasure dome decree
29783 But only if the NFL to a franchise would agree.
29785 In Xanadu did Kubla Khan
29786 A stately pleasure dome decree:
29787 Where Alph, the sacred river, ran
29788 Through caverns measureless to man
29789 Down to a sunless sea.
29790 So twice five miles of fertile ground
29791 With walls and towers were girdled round:
29792 And there were gardens bright with sinuous rills,
29793 Where blossomed many an incense-bearing tree;
29794 And here were forest ancient as the hills,
29795 Enfolding sunny spots of greenery.
29796 -- Samuel T. Coleridge, "Kubla Kahn"
29798 In youth, it was a way I had
29799 To do my best to please,
29800 And change, with every passing lad,
29801 To suit his theories.
29803 But now I know the things I know,
29804 And do the things I do;
29805 And if you do not like me so,
29806 To hell, my love, with you!
29807 -- Dorothy Parker, "Indian Summer"
29810 The system of long and short-term rewards that a corporation uses
29811 to motivate its people. Still, despite all the experimentation with
29812 profit sharing, stock options, and the like, the most effective
29813 incentive program to date seems to be "Do a good job and you get to
29818 Increased knowledge will help you now.
29819 Have mate's phone bugged.
29822 Person of liveliest interest to the outcumbents.
29823 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
29825 Indecision is the true basis for flexibility.
29827 Indeed, the first noble truth of Buddhism, usually translated as
29828 `all life is suffering,' is more accurately rendered `life is filled
29829 with a sense of pervasive unsatisfactoriness.'
29833 Alphabetical list of words of no possible interest where an
29834 alphabetical list of subjects with references ought to be.
29836 Indiana is a state dedicated to basketball. Basketball, soybeans, hogs and
29837 basketball. Berkeley, needless to say, is not nearly as athletic. Berkeley
29838 is dedicated to coffee, angst, potholes and coffee.
29841 Indifference will be the downfall of mankind, but who cares?
29843 Indifference will certainly be the downfall of mankind, but who cares?
29845 Individualists unite!
29847 Indomitable in retreat; invincible in
29848 advance; insufferable in victory.
29849 -- Winston Churchill, on General Montgomery
29852 The period of our lives when, according to Wordsworth, "Heaven
29853 lies about us." The world begins lying about us pretty soon
29857 Infidel: In New York, one who does not believe in the
29858 Christian religion; in Constantinople, one who does.
29861 Inform all the troops that communications have completely broken down.
29863 Information Center:
29864 A room staffed by professional computer people whose job it is to
29865 tell you why you cannot have the information you require.
29867 Information Center, n.:
29868 A room staffed by professional computer people whose job it is
29869 to tell you why you cannot have the information you require.
29871 Information is the inverse of entropy.
29873 Information Processing:
29874 What you call data processing when people are so disgusted with
29875 it they won't let it be discussed in their presence.
29877 Inglish Spocken Hier: some mangled translations
29879 Sign on a cabin door of a Soviet Black Sea cruise liner:
29880 Helpsavering apparata in emergings behold many whistles!
29881 Associate the stringing apparata about the bosums and meet
29882 behind, flee then to the indifferent lifesaveringshippen
29883 obedicing the instructs of the vessel.
29885 On the door in a Belgrade hotel:
29886 Let us know about any unficiency as well as leaking on
29887 the service. Our utmost will improve it.
29891 Inglish Spocken Hier: some mangled translations
29893 Sign on a cathedral in Spain:
29894 It is forbidden to enter a woman, even a foreigner if
29897 Above the entrance to a Cairo bar:
29898 Unaccompanied ladies not admitted unless with husband
29901 On a Bucharest elevator:
29903 The lift is being fixed for the next days.
29904 During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.
29908 Inglish Spocken Hier: some mangled translations
29910 Various signs in Poland:
29912 Right turn toward immediate outside.
29914 Go soothingly in the snow, as there lurk the ski demons.
29916 Five o'clock tea at all hours.
29918 In a men's washroom in Sidney:
29920 Shake excess water from hands, push button to start,
29921 rub hands rapidly under air outlet and wipe hands
29924 -- Colin Bowles, San Francisco Chronicle
29927 A man who bites the hand that feeds him, and then complains of
29930 Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere.
29931 -- Martin Luther King, Jr.
29934 A villainous compound of tannogallate of iron, gum-arabic,
29935 and water, chiefly used to facilitate the infection of
29936 idiocy and promote intellectual crime.
29940 A villainous compound of tannogallate of iron, gum-arabic, and
29941 water, chiefly used to facilitate the infection of idiocy and promote
29942 intellectual crime.
29943 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
29945 Innocence ends when one is stripped of the delusion that one
29947 -- Joan Didion, "On Self Respect"
29952 Innovation is hard to schedule.
29958 Insanity is considered a ground for divorce, though by the very same
29959 token it is the shortest detour to marriage.
29962 Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids.
29964 Insanity is the final defense ... It's hard to get a refund when the
29965 salesman is sniffing your crotch and baying at the moon.
29968 Finding out that you've mispronounced for years one of your
29971 Realizing halfway through a joke that you're telling it to
29972 the person who told it to you.
29974 Inside every large problem is a small problem struggling to get out.
29976 Insomnia isn't anything to lose sleep over.
29978 Inspector: "Mrs. Freem, was this your husband's first
29980 Mrs. Freem: "His first fatal one, yes."
29983 Inspiration without perspiration is usually sterile.
29985 Instead of giving money to found colleges to promote learning, why don't
29986 they pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from learning
29987 anything? If it works as good as the Prohibition one did, why, in five
29988 years we would have the smartest race of people on earth.
29989 -- The Best of Will Rogers
29991 Instead of loving your enemies, treat your friends a little better.
29994 Integrity has no need for rules.
29996 Intel CPUs are not defective, they just act that way.
29999 Intellect annuls Fate.
30000 So far as a man thinks, he is free.
30001 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
30003 Interchangeable parts won't.
30006 What borrowers pay, lenders receive, stockholders own, and
30007 burned out employees must feign.
30009 Interesting poll results reported in today's New York Post: people on the
30010 street in midtown Manhattan were asked whether they approved of the US
30011 invasion of Grenada. Fifty-three percent said yes; 39 percent said no;
30012 and 8 percent said "Gimme a quarter?"
30015 Interfere? Of course we should interfere! Always do what you're
30016 best at, that's what I say.
30020 One who enables two persons of different languages to understand
30021 each other by repeating to each what it would have been to the
30022 interpreter's advantage for the other to have said.
30025 One who enables two persons of different languages to
30026 understand each other by repeating to each what it would have been to
30027 the interpreter's advantage for the other to have said.
30028 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
30030 Into love and out again,
30031 Thus I went and thus I go.
30032 Spare your voice, and hold your pen:
30033 Well and bitterly I know
30034 All the songs were ever sung,
30035 All the words were ever said;
30036 Could it be, when I was young,
30037 Someone dropped me on my head?
30038 -- Dorothy Parker, "Theory"
30040 Intolerance is the last defense of the insecure.
30043 When you feel sophisticated without being able to pronounce it.
30045 Introducing, the 1010, a one-bit processor.
30050 1 JMP Jump (address specified by next 2 bits)
30052 Now Available for only 12 1/2 cents!
30054 Invest in physics -- own a piece of Dirac!
30056 Involvement with people is always a very delicate thing --
30057 it requires real maturity to become involved and not get all messed up.
30061 It's off to disk I go,
30062 A bit or byte to read or write,
30067 _/I\_____________o______________o___/I\ l * / /_/ * __ ' .* l
30068 I"""_____________l______________l___"""I\ l *// _l__l_ . *. l
30069 [__][__][(******)__][__](******)[__][] \l l-\ ---//---*----(oo)----------l
30070 [][__][__(******)][__][_(******)_][__] l l \\ // ____ >-( )-< / l
30071 [__][__][_l l[__][__][l l][__][] l l \\)) ._****_.(......) .@@@:::l
30072 [][__][__]l .l_][__][__] .l__][__] l l ll _(o_o)_ (@*_*@ l
30073 [__][__][/ <_)[__][__]/ <_)][__][] l l ll ( / \ ) / / / ) l
30074 [][__][ /..,/][__][__][/..,/_][__][__] l l / \\ _\ \_ / _\_\ l
30075 [__][__(__/][__][__][_(__/_][__][__][] l l______________________________l
30076 [__][__]] l , , . [__][__][] l
30077 [][__][_] l . i. '/ , [][__][__] l /\**/\ season's
30078 [__][__]] l O .\ / /, O [__][__][] l ( o_o )_) greetings
30079 _[][__][_] l__l======='=l____[][__][__] l_______,(u u ,),__________________
30080 [__][__]]/ /l\-------/l\ [__][__][]/ {}{}{}{}{}{}<R>
30082 In Ellen's house it is warm and toasty while fuzzies play in the snow outside.
30085 IOT trap -- core dumped
30087 IOT trap -- mos dumped
30089 Iowa State -- the high school after high school!
30092 Iowans ask why Minnesotans don't drink more Kool-Aid. That's because
30093 they can't figure out how to get two quarts of water into one of those
30094 little paper envelopes.
30096 Iron Law of Distribution:
30097 Them that has, gets.
30100 A windy day, when, just as a beautiful girl with
30101 a short skirt approaches, dust blows in your eyes.
30103 Irrationality is the square root of all evil.
30104 -- Douglas Hofstadter
30106 Is a computer language with goto's totally Wirth-less?
30108 Is a person who blows up banks an econoclast?
30110 "Is a tattoo real, like a curb or a battleship?
30111 Or are we suffering in Safeway?"
30112 -- Zippy the Pinhead
30114 Is a wedding successful if it comes off without a hitch?
30116 Is death legally binding?
30118 Is it possible that software is not like anything else, that it is
30119 meant to be discarded: that the whole point is to always see it as a
30122 Is it weird in here, or is it just me?
30125 Is knowledge knowable? If not, how do we know that?
30127 Is not marriage an open question, when it is alleged, from the beginning
30128 of the world, that such as are in the institution wish to get out,
30129 and such as are out wish to get in?
30132 Is not marriage an open question, when it is alleged, from the
30133 beginning of the world, that such as are in the institution wish to get
30134 out, and such as are out wish to get in?
30135 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
30137 Is sex dirty? Only if it's done right.
30138 -- Woody Allen, "All You Ever Wanted To Know About Sex"
30140 Is that a pistol in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?
30143 Is that really YOU that is reading this?
30145 "Is there any point to which you would wish to draw my attention?"
30146 "To the curious incident of the dog in the night-time."
30147 "The dog did nothing in the night-time."
30148 "That was the curious incident," remarked Sherlock Holmes.
30150 Is there life before breakfast?
30152 Is this really happening?
30154 Is your job running? You'd better go catch it!
30156 Isn't air travel wonderful?
30157 Breakfast in London, dinner in New York, luggage in Brazil.
30159 Isn't it conceivable to you that an intelligent
30160 person could harbor two opposing ideas in his mind?
30161 -- Adlai Stevenson, to reporters
30163 Isn't it interesting that the same people who laugh at science fiction
30164 listen to weather forecasts and economists?
30165 -- Kelvin Throop III
30167 Isn't it ironic that many men spend a great part of their lives
30168 avoiding marriage while single-mindedly pursuing those things that
30169 would make them better prospects?
30171 Isn't it nice that people who prefer Los Angeles to San Francisco live
30175 Isn't it strange that the same people that laugh at gypsy fortune
30176 tellers take economists seriously?
30179 A solution in search of a problem!
30181 Issawi's Laws of Progress:
30183 The Course of Progress:
30184 Most things get steadily worse.
30186 The Path of Progress:
30187 A shortcut is the longest distance between two points.
30189 It appears that after his death, Albert Einstein found himself working
30190 as the doorkeeper at the Pearly Gates. One slow day, he found that he
30191 had time to chat with the new entrants. To the first one he asked,
30192 "What's your IQ?" The new arrival replied, "190". They discussed
30193 Einstein's theory of relativity for hours. When the second new arrival
30194 came, Einstein once again inquired as to the newcomer's IQ. The answer
30195 this time came "120". To which Einstein replied, "Tell me, how did the
30196 Cubs do this year?" and they proceeded to talk for half an hour or so.
30197 To the final arrival, Einstein once again posed the question, "What's
30198 your IQ?". Upon receiving the answer "70", Einstein smiled and asked,
30199 "Got a minute to tell me about VMS 4.0?"
30201 It appears that PL/I (and its dialects) is, or will be, the
30202 most widely used higher level language for systems programming.
30205 It cannot be seen, cannot be felt,
30206 Cannot be heard, cannot be smelt.
30207 It lies behind starts and under hills,
30208 And empty holes it fills.
30209 It comes first and follows after,
30210 Ends life, kills laughter.
30212 "It could be that Walter's horse has wings" does not imply that there is
30213 any such animal as Walter's horse, only that there could be; but "Walter's
30214 horse is a thing which could have wings" does imply Walter's horse's
30215 existence. But the conjunction "Walter's horse exists, and it could be
30216 that Walter's horse has wings" still does not imply "Walter's horse is a
30217 thing that could have wings", for perhaps it can only be that Walter's
30218 horse has wings by Walter having a different horse. Nor does "Walter's
30219 horse is a thing which could have wings" conversely imply "It could be that
30220 Walter's horse has wings"; for it might be that Walter's horse could only
30221 have wings by not being Walter's horse.
30223 I would deny, though, that the formula [Necessarily if some x has property P
30224 then some x has property P] expresses a logical law, since P(x) could stand
30225 for, let us say "x is a better logician than I am", and the statement "It is
30226 necessary that if someone is a better logician than I am then someone is a
30227 better logician than I am" is false because there need not have been any me.
30228 -- A. N. Prior, "Time and Modality"
30230 It destroys one's nerves to be amiable every day to the same human being.
30231 -- Benjamin Disraeli
30233 It did not occur to me that my being with two men continuously would
30234 interest anyone or arouse anyone's misgivings. I asked for an invitation
30235 for Heinrich too, as often as it seemed possible, when Paulus and I were
30236 invited to a social gathering. I felt the set of rules others lived by
30237 was irrelevant. My childhood attitude -- every attempt to adjust is
30238 hopeless and you might just as well follow your own attitudes -- must have
30240 -- Hannah Tillich, "From Time to Time"
30242 It does not do to leave a live dragon out of your calculations.
30244 It does not matter if you fall down as long as you
30245 pick up something from the floor while you get up.
30247 It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've
30248 done and what you're going to do.
30250 It doesn't matter whether you win or lose -- until you lose.
30252 It doesn't much signify whom one marries, for one is sure to find out
30253 next morning it was someone else.
30256 It follows that any commander in chief who undertakes to carry out a plan
30257 which he considers defective is at fault; he must put forth his reasons,
30258 insist of the plan being changed, and finally tender his resignation rather
30259 than be the instrument of his army's downfall.
30260 -- Napoleon, "Military Maxims and Thought"
30262 It gets late early out there.
30265 It got to the point where I had to get a haircut
30266 or both feet firmly planted in the air.
30268 It hangs down from the chandelier
30269 Nobody knows quite what it does
30270 Its color is odd and its shape is weird
30271 It emits a high-sounding buzz
30273 It grows a couple of feet each day
30274 and wriggles with sort of a twitch
30275 Nobody bugs it 'cause it comes from
30276 a visiting uncle who's rich!
30277 -- To "It Came Upon A Midnight Clear"
30279 It happened long ago
30280 In the new magic land
30281 The Indians and the buffalo
30282 Existed hand in hand
30283 The Indians needed food
30284 They need skins for a roof
30285 The only took what they needed
30286 And the buffalo ran loose
30287 But then came the white man
30288 With his thick and empty head
30289 He couldn't see past his billfold
30290 He wanted all the buffalo dead
30291 It was sad, oh so sad.
30292 -- Ted Nugent, "The Great White Buffalo"
30294 It happened that a fire broke out backstage in a theater. The clown came
30295 out to inform the public. They thought it was just a jest and applauded.
30296 He repeated his warning, they shouted even louder. So I think the world
30297 will come to an end amid general applause from all the wits, who believe
30300 It happened that a fire broke out backstage in a theater. The clown
30301 came out to inform the public. They thought it was just a jest and
30302 applauded. He repeated his warning, they shouted even louder. So I
30303 think the world will come to an end amid general applause from all the
30304 wits, who believe that it is a joke.
30305 -- S. A. Kierkegaard (1813-1855)
30307 It has been justly observed by sages of all lands that although a man may be
30308 most happily married and continue in that state with the utmost contentment,
30309 it does not necessarily follow that he has therefore been struck stone-blind.
30312 It has been observed that one's nose is never so happy as when it is
30313 thrust into the affairs of another, from which some physiologists have
30314 drawn the inference that the nose is devoid of the sense of smell.
30315 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
30317 It has been observed that one's nose is never so happy as when it
30318 is thrust into the affairs of another, from which some physiologists
30319 have drawn the inference that the nose is devoid of the sense of smell.
30322 It has been said [by Anatole France], "it is not by amusing oneself
30323 that one learns," and, in reply: "it is *____
\b\b\b\bonly* by amusing oneself that
30325 -- Edward Kasner and James R. Newman
30327 It has been said that man is a rational animal. All my life I have
30328 been searching for evidence which could support this.
30329 -- Bertrand Russell
30331 It has been said that Public Relations is the art of winning friends
30332 and getting people under the influence.
30335 It has just been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
30337 It has long been an article of our folklore that too much knowledge or skill,
30338 or especially consummate expertise, is a bad thing. It dehumanizes those who
30339 achieve it, and makes difficult their commerce with just plain folks, in whom
30340 good old common sense has not been obliterated by mere book learning or fancy
30341 notions. This popular delusion flourishes now more than ever, for we are all
30342 infected with it in the schools, where educationists have elevated it from
30343 folklore to Article of Belief. It enhances their self-esteem and lightens
30344 their labors by providing theoretical justification for deciding that
30345 appreciation, or even simple awareness, is more to be prized than knowledge,
30346 and relating (to self and others), more than skill, in which minimum
30347 competence will be quite enough.
30348 -- The Underground Grammarian
30350 It has long been an axiom of mine that the little things are infinitely
30351 the most important.
30354 It has long been an axiom of mine that the
30355 little things are infinitely the most important.
30356 -- Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, "A Case of Identity"
30358 It has long been known that birds will occasionally build nests in the
30359 manes of horses. The only known solution to this problem is to sprinkle
30360 baker's yeast in the mane, for, as we all know, yeast is yeast and nest
30361 is nest, and never the mane shall tweet.
30363 It has long been known that one horse can run faster
30364 than another -- but which one? Differences are crucial.
30367 It has long been noticed that juries are pitiless for robbery and full of
30368 indulgence for infanticide. A question of interest, my dear Sir! The jury
30369 is afraid of being robbed and has passed the age when it could be a victim
30373 It is a hard matter, my fellow citizens,
30374 to argue with the belly, since it has no ears.
30375 -- Marcus Porcius Cato
30377 It is a lesson which all history teaches
30378 wise men, to put trust in ideas, and not in circumstances.
30381 It is a poor judge who cannot award a prize.
30383 It is a profitable thing, if one is wise, to seem foolish.
30386 It is a sobering thought that when Mozart was
30387 my age, he had been dead for 2 years.
30390 It is a very humbling experience to make a multimillion-dollar mistake, but
30391 it is also very memorable. I vividly recall the night we decided how to
30392 organize the actual writing of external specifications for OS/360. The
30393 manager of architecture, the manager of control program implementation, and
30394 I were threshing out the plan, schedule, and division of responsibilities.
30395 The architecture manager had 10 good men. He asserted that they
30396 could write the specifications and do it right. It would take ten months,
30397 three more than the schedule allowed.
30398 The control program manager had 150 men. He asserted that they
30399 could prepare the specifications, with the architecture team coordinating;
30400 it would be well-done and practical, and he could do it on schedule.
30401 Furthermore, if the architecture team did it, his 150 men would sit twiddling
30402 their thumbs for ten months.
30403 To this the architecture manager responded that if I gave the control
30404 program team the responsibility, the result would not in fact be on time,
30405 but would also be three months late, and of much lower quality. I did, and
30406 it was. He was right on both counts. Moreover, the lack of conceptual
30407 integrity made the system far more costly to build and change, and I would
30408 estimate that it added a year to debugging time.
30409 -- Frederick Brooks Jr., "The Mythical Man Month"
30411 It is a wise father that knows his own child.
30412 -- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"
30414 It is against the grain of modern education to teach children to
30415 program. What fun is there in making plans, acquiring discipline in
30416 organizing thoughts, devoting attention to detail, and learning to be
30420 It is against the law for a monster to enter the corporate limits of
30423 It is all right to hold a conversation,
30424 but you should let go of it now and then.
30427 It is always preferable to visit home with a friend. Your parents will
30428 not be pleased with this plan, because they want you all to themselves
30429 and because in the presence of your friend, they will have to act like
30430 mature human beings ...
30431 -- Playboy, January 1983
30433 It is always the best policy to speak the truth,
30434 unless of course you are an exceptionally good liar.
30435 -- Jerome K. Jerome
30437 It is always the best policy to tell the truth, unless, of course,
30438 you are an exceptionally good liar.
30439 -- Jerome K. Jerome
30441 It is amazing how complete is the delusion that beauty is goodness.
30443 It is amusing that a virtue is made of the vice of chastity; and it's a
30444 pretty odd sort of chastity at that, which leads men straight into the
30445 sin of Onan, and girls to the waning of their color.
30448 It is an important and popular fact that things are not always what
30449 they seem. For instance, on the planet Earth, man had always assumed
30450 that he was more intelligent than dolphins because he had achieved so
30451 much -- the wheel, New York wars and so on -- whilst all the dolphins
30452 had ever done was muck about in the water having a good time. But
30453 conversely, the dolphins had always believed that they were far more
30454 intelligent than man -- for precisely the same reasons.
30456 Curiously enough, the dolphins had long known of the impending
30457 destruction of the planet Earth and had made many attempts to
30458 alert mankind to the danger; but most of their communications were
30460 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
30462 It is annoying to be honest to no purpose.
30463 -- Publius Ovidius Naso (Ovid)
30465 It is bad luck to be superstitious.
30466 -- Andrew W. Mathis
30468 [It is] best to confuse only one issue at a time.
30471 It is better for civilization to be going down the drain than to be
30475 It is better never to have been born. But who among us has such luck?
30476 One in a million, perhaps.
30478 It is better to be bow-legged than no-legged.
30480 It is better to be on penicillin, than never to have loved at all.
30482 It is better to burn out than it is to rust.
30484 It is better to die on your feet than to live on your knees.
30486 It is better to give than to lend, and it costs about the same.
30488 It is better to have loved a short man than never to have loved a tall.
30490 It is better to have loved and lost -- much better.
30492 It is better to have loved and lost than just to have lost.
30494 It is better to kiss an avocado than to get in a fight with an aardvark.
30496 It is better to live rich than to die rich.
30499 It is better to remain childless than to father an orphan.
30501 It is better to travel hopefully than to fly Continental.
30503 It is better to wear chains than to believe you are free,
30504 and weight yourself down with invisible chains.
30506 It is better to wear out than to rust out.
30508 It is by the fortune of God that, in this country, we have three
30509 benefits: freedom of speech, freedom of thought, and the wisdom never
30513 It is common sense to take a method and try it. If it fails,
30514 admit it frankly and try another. But above all, try something.
30515 -- Franklin D. Roosevelt
30517 It is contrary to reasoning to say that there
30518 is a vacuum or space in which there is absolutely nothing.
30521 It is convenient that there be gods, and,
30522 as it is convenient, let us believe there are.
30523 -- Publius Ovidius Naso (Ovid)
30525 It is dangerous for a national candidate to say things that people might
30529 It is difficult to legislate morality in the absence of moral legislators.
30531 It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both incisive
30532 and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by twelve dancing
30533 rabbits singing about toilet paper.
30536 It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both
30537 incisive and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by
30538 twelve dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper.
30541 It is difficult to soar with the eagles when you work with turkeys.
30543 It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle if it is
30545 -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
30547 It is easier for a camel to pass through the
30548 eye of a needle if it is lightly greased.
30551 It is easier to be a "humanitarian" than to render your own country its
30552 proper due; it is easier to be a "patriot" than to make your community
30553 a better place to live in; it is easier to be a "civic leader" than to
30554 treat your own family with loving understanding; for the smaller the
30555 focus of attention, the harder the task.
30556 -- Sydney J. Harris
30558 It is easier to change the specification to fit the program than vice
30561 It is easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them.
30564 It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
30566 It is easier to make a saint out of a libertine than out of a prig.
30567 -- George Santayana
30569 It is easier to resist at the beginning than at the end.
30570 -- Leonardo da Vinci
30572 It is easier to run down a hill than up one.
30574 It is easier to write an incorrect program than understand a correct
30577 It is easy when we are in prosperity to give advice to the afflicted.
30580 It is enough to make one sympathize with a tyrant for the determination
30581 of his courtiers to deceive him for their own personal ends...
30582 -- Russell Baker and Charles Peters
30584 It is equally bad when one speeds on the guest unwilling to go, and when he
30585 holds back one who is hastening. Rather one should befriend the guest who
30586 is there, but speed him when he wishes.
30587 -- Homer, "The Odyssey"
30589 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
30590 referring to scheduling.]
30592 It is exactly because a man cannot do a
30593 thing that he is a proper judge of it.
30596 It is explained that all relationships require a little give and take. This
30597 is untrue. Any partnership demands that we give and give and give and at the
30598 last, as we flop into our graves exhausted, we are told that we didn't give
30600 -- Quentin Crisp, "How to Become a Virgin"
30602 It is far better to be deceived than to be undeceived by those we love.
30604 It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities
30608 It is Fortune, not Wisdom, that rules man's life.
30611 to become lachrymose over precipitately departed lactate fluid.
30613 to attempt to indoctrinate a superannuated canine with
30614 innovative maneuvers.
30616 It is generally agreed that "Hello" is an appropriate greeting because
30617 if you entered a room and said "Goodbye," it could confuse a lot of
30619 -- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot"
30621 It is hard to predict, in particular about the future.
30622 -- Robert Storm Petersen
30624 It is idle to attempt to talk a young woman out of her passion:
30625 love does not lie in the ear.
30628 It is illegal to drive more than two thousand sheep down Hollywood
30629 Boulevard at one time.
30631 It is illegal to say "Oh, Boy" in Jonesboro, Georgia.
30633 It is imperative when flying coach that you restrain any tendency toward
30634 the vividly imaginative. For although it may momentarily appear to be the
30635 case, it is not at all likely that the cabin is entirely inhabited by
30636 crying babies smoking inexpensive domestic cigars.
30637 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"
30639 It is impossible for an optimist to be pleasantly surprised.
30641 It is impossible to defend perfectly
30642 against the attack of those who want to die.
30644 It is impossible to enjoy idling thoroughly
30645 unless one has plenty of work to do.
30646 -- Jerome Klapka Jerome
30648 It is impossible to enjoy idling unless there is plenty of work to do.
30649 -- Jerome K. Jerome
30651 It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry
30655 It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so
30658 It is impossible to travel faster than light, and certainly not
30659 desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off.
30663 So wrapped up in red tape that the situation is almost hopeless.
30665 It is indeed desirable to be well descended,
30666 but the glory belongs to our ancestors.
30669 It is like saying that for the cause of peace,
30670 God and the Devil will have a high-level meeting.
30671 -- Rev. Carl McIntire, on Nixon's China trip
30673 It is most dangerous nowadays for a husband to pay any attention to his
30674 wife in public. It always makes people think that he beats her when
30675 they're alone. The world has grown so suspicious of anything that looks
30676 like a happy married life.
30679 It is Mr. Mellon's credo that $200,000,000 can do no wrong. Our
30680 offense consists in doubting it.
30681 -- Justice Robert H. Jackson
30683 It is much easier to be critical than to be correct.
30684 -- Benjamin Disraeli
30686 It is much easier to suggest solutions when you know nothing about the
30689 It is much harder to find a job than to keep one.
30691 It is necessary for the welfare of society that genius should be
30692 privileged to utter sedition, to blaspheme, to outrage good taste, to
30693 corrupt the youthful mind, and generally to scandalize one's uncles.
30694 -- George Bernard Shaw
30696 It is no wonder that people are so horrible when they start life as children.
30699 It is not a good omen when goldfish commit suicide.
30701 It is not doing the thing we like to do, but liking the thing we have to do,
30702 that makes life blessed.
30703 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
30705 It is not enough that I should succeed. Others must fail.
30706 -- Ray Kroc, founder of McDonald's
30707 [Also attributed to David Merrick. Ed.]
30709 It is not enough to succeed. Others must fail.
30711 [Great minds think alike? Ed.]
30713 It is not enough to have a good mind.
30714 The main thing is to use it well.
30717 It is not enough to have great qualities,
30718 we should also have the management of them.
30719 -- La Rochefoucauld
30721 It is not enough to succeed. Others must fail.
30724 It is not every question that deserves an answer.
30727 It is not for me to attempt to fathom the
30728 inscrutable workings of Providence.
30729 -- The Earl of Birkenhead
30731 It is not good for a man to be without knowledge,
30732 and he who makes haste with his feet misses his way.
30735 It is not necessary to inquire whether a woman would like something for
30736 dessert. The answer is yes, she would like something for dessert, but
30737 she would like you to order it so she can pick at it with your fork. She
30738 does not want you to call attention to this by saying, "If you wanted a
30739 dessert, why didn't you order one?" You must understand, she has the
30740 dessert she wants. The dessert she wants is contained within yours.
30741 -- Merrill Marcoe, "An Insider's Guide to the American Woman"
30743 It is not that polar co-ordinates are complicated, it is simply
30744 that Cartesian co-ordinates are simpler than they have a right to be.
30745 -- Kleppner & Kolenhow, "An Introduction to Mechanics"
30747 It is not the critic who counts, or how the strong man stumbled, or whether
30748 the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the
30749 man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and
30750 blood, who strives valiantly, who errs and comes short again and again; who
30751 knows the great enthusiasm, the great devotion, and who spends himself in a
30752 worthy cause, and if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that
30753 he'll never be with those cold and timid souls who never know either victory
30757 It is not true that life is one damn thing after another -- it's one
30758 damn thing over and over.
30759 -- Edna St. Vincent Millay
30761 It is November first 1940; in the famous sound stage of THE WIZARD OF OZ on
30762 the MGM lot, a little man is lying face-up on the yellow brick road. His
30763 wide eyes stare upward into the blinding stage lights. He is wearing a
30764 kind of comic soldier's uniform with a yellow coat and puffy sleeves and
30765 big fez-like blue and yellow hat with a feather on top. His yellow hair
30766 and beard are the phony straw color of Hollywood. He could pass for some
30767 kind of cute in the typical tinsel-town way if it wasn't for the knife
30768 sticking out of his chest. *Someone had murdered a Munchkin.*
30769 -- Stuart Kaminsky, "Murder on the Yellow Brick Road"
30771 It is now 10 p.m. Do you know where Henry Kissinger is?
30772 -- Elizabeth Carpenter
30774 It is now pitch dark. If you proceed, you will likely fall into a pit.
30776 It is now quite lawful for a Catholic woman to avoid pregnancy by a resort
30777 to mathematics, though she is still forbidden to resort to physics and
30781 It is often easier to ask for forgiveness than to ask for permission.
30782 -- Grace Murray Hopper
30784 It is one of the superstitions of the human mind to have imagined that
30785 virginity could be a virtue.
30788 It is one thing to praise discipline, and another to submit to it.
30791 It is only by risking our persons from one hour to another that we live
30792 at all. And often enough our faith beforehand in an uncertified result
30793 is the only thing that makes the result come true.
30796 It is only people of small moral stature who have to stand on their
30799 It is only the great men who are truly obscene. If they had not dared
30800 to be obscene, they could never have dared to be great.
30803 It is only with the heart one can see clearly;
30804 what is essential is invisible to the eye.
30805 -- The Fox, "The Little Prince"
30807 It is possible by ingenuity and at the expense of clarity... {to do almost
30808 anything in any language}. However, the fact that it is possible to push
30809 a pea up a mountain with your nose does not mean that this is a sensible
30810 way of getting it there. Each of these techniques of language extension
30811 should be used in its proper place.
30812 -- Christopher Strachey
30814 It is possible that blondes also prefer gentlemen.
30815 -- Maimie Van Doren
30817 It is practically impossible to teach good programming to students that
30818 have had a prior exposure to BASIC: as potential programmers they are
30819 mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration.
30820 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5
30822 It is ridiculous to call this an industry. This is not. This is rat eat
30823 rat, dog eat dog. I'll kill 'em, and I'm going to kill 'em before they
30824 kill me. You're talking about the American way of survival of the fittest.
30825 -- Ray Kroc, founder of McDonald's
30827 It is right that he too should have his little chronicle, his memories,
30828 his reason, and be able to recognize the good in the bad, the bad in the
30829 worst, and so grow gently old all down the unchanging days and die one
30830 day like any other day, only shorter.
30831 -- Samuel Beckett, "Malone Dies"
30833 It is said an Eastern monarch once charged his wise men to invent him a
30834 sentence to be ever in view, and which should be true and appropriate
30835 in all times and situations. They presented him the words: "And this,
30836 too, shall pass away."
30839 It is said that the lonely eagle flies to the mountain peaks while the
30840 lowly ant crawls the ground, but cannot the soul of the ant soar as
30843 It is so soon that I am done for, I wonder what I was begun for.
30844 -- Epitaph, Cheltenham Churchyard
30846 It is so stupid of modern civilization to have given up believing in the
30847 devil when he is the only explanation of it.
30848 -- Ronald Knox, "Let Dons Delight"
30850 It is so very hard to be an on-your-own-take-care-of-
30851 yourself-because-there-is-no-one-else-to-do-it-for-you grown up.
30853 It is something to be able to paint a particular picture, or to carve a
30854 statue, and so to make a few objects beautiful; but it is far more
30855 glorious to carve and paint the very atmosphere and medium through
30856 which we look, which morally we can do. To affect the quality of the
30857 day, that is the highest of arts.
30858 -- Henry David Thoreau, "Where I Live"
30860 It is sweet to let the mind unbend on occasion.
30861 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
30863 It is Texas law that when two trains meet each other at a railroad
30864 crossing, each shall come to a full stop, and neither shall proceed
30865 until the other has gone.
30867 It is the business of little minds to shrink.
30870 It is the business of the future to be dangerous.
30873 It is the nature of extreme self-lovers, as they will
30874 set an house on fire, and it were but to roast their eggs.
30877 It is the quality rather than the quantity that matters.
30878 -- Lucius Annaeus Seneca
30880 It is the wisdom of crocodiles, that shed tears when they would devour.
30883 It is the wise bird who builds his nest in a tree.
30885 It is through symbols that man consciously or unconsciously
30886 lives, works and has his being.
30889 It is true that if your paperboy throws your paper into the bushes for
30890 five straight days it can be explained by Newton's Law of Gravity. But
30891 it takes Murphy's law to explain why it is happening to you.
30893 It is up to us to produce better-quality movies.
30895 producer of "Stuff Stephanie in the Incinerator"
30897 It is very vulgar to talk like a dentist when one isn't a dentist.
30898 It produces a false impression.
30901 It is when I struggle to be brief that I become obscure.
30902 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
30904 It is wise to keep in mind that neither success nor failure is ever final.
30907 It is your concern when your neighbor's wall is on fire.
30908 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
30910 It isn't easy being a Friday kind of person in a Monday kind of world.
30912 It isn't easy being green.
30915 It isn't easy being the parent of a six-year-old. However, it's a pretty
30916 small price to pay for having somebody around the house who understands
30919 It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be
30923 It isn't whether you win or lose, it's how much money you end up with.
30924 -- Jack T. Shakespeare
30926 It just doesn't seem right to go over the river and through the woods
30927 to Grandmother's condo.
30929 It looked like something resembling white marble, which was
30930 probably what it was: something resembling white marble.
30931 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
30933 It looks like blind screaming hedonism won out.
30935 It looks like it's up to me to save our skins.
30936 Get into that garbage chute, flyboy!
30937 -- Princess Leia Organa
30939 IT MAKES ME MAD when I go to all the trouble of having Marta cook up about
30940 a hundred drumsticks, then the guy at Marineland says, "You can't throw
30941 that chicken to the dolphins. They eat fish."
30943 Sure they eat fish if that's all you give them! Man, wise up.
30944 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican", 1988.
30946 It [marriage] happens as with cages: the birds without despair
30947 to get in, and those within despair of getting out.
30948 -- Michel Eyquem de Montaigne
30950 It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether *I* win
30954 It may be bad manners to talk with your mouth full, but it isn't too
30955 good either if you speak when your head is empty.
30957 It may be better to be a live jackal than a dead lion, but it is
30958 better still to be a live lion. And usually easier.
30961 It may be that your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a
30964 It may or may not be worthwhile, but it still has to be done.
30966 It must be remembered that there is nothing more difficult to plan, more
30967 doubtful of success, nor more dangerous to manage, than the creation of
30968 a new system. For the initiator has the enmity of all who would profit
30969 by the preservation of the old institutions and merely lukewarm defenders
30970 in those who would gain by the new ones.
30971 -- Niccolo Machiavelli, 1513
30973 It must have been some unmarried fool that said "A child can ask questions
30974 that a wise man cannot answer"; because, in any decent house, a brat that
30975 starts asking questions is promptly packed off to bed.
30978 It now costs more to amuse a child than it once did to educate his father.
30980 It occurred to me lately that nothing has occurred to me lately.
30982 It pays in England to be a revolutionary and a bible-smacker most of
30983 one's life and then come round.
30984 -- Lord Alfred Douglas
30986 It pays to be obvious, especially if you have a reputation for subtlety.
30988 It proves what they say, give the public what they want to see and
30989 they'll come out for it.
30990 -- Red Skelton, surveying the funeral of Hollywood mogul
30993 "It runs like _
\bx, where _
\bx is something unsavory"
30994 -- Prof. Romas Aleliunas, CS 435
30996 It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones
30997 slept better... while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much
30999 -- Woody Allen, "Side Effects"
31001 It seems a little silly now, but this country
31002 was founded as a protest against taxation.
31004 It seems appropriate to me that Mapplethorpe's perverse images should
31005 be situated so close to Congress, which perpetuates a number of
31006 unnatural acts upon the body politic every day, without benefit of
31007 artificial lubrication or foreplay.
31008 -- Pat Calafia's review of Camille Paglia's
31009 "Sex, Art and American Culture"
31011 It seems intuitively obvious to me, which means that it might be wrong.
31014 It seems like the less a statesman amounts to, the more he loves the
31017 It seems that more and more mathematicians are using a new, high level
31018 language named "research student".
31020 It seems to make an auto driver mad if he misses you.
31022 It seems to me that nearly every woman I know wants a man who knows how
31023 to love with authority. Women are simple souls who like simple things,
31024 and one of the simplest is one of the simplest to give. ... Our family
31025 airedale will come clear across the yard for one pat on the head. The
31026 average wife is like that.
31027 -- Episcopal Bishop James Pike
31029 It shall be unlawful for any suspicious person to be within the
31031 -- Local ordinance, Euclid Ohio
31033 It takes a smart husband to have the last word and not use it.
31035 It takes a special kind of courage to face what we all have to face.
31037 It takes all kinds to fill the freeways.
31040 It takes both a weapon, and two people, to commit a murder.
31042 It takes less time to do a thing right
31043 than it does to explain why you did it wrong.
31044 -- H. W. Longfellow
31046 It takes two to tell the truth: one to speak and one to hear.
31048 It took a while to surface, but it appears that a long-distance credit card
31049 may have saved a U.S. Army unit from heavy casualties during the Grenada
31050 military rescue/invasion. Major General David Nichols, Air Force ... said
31051 the Army unit was in a house surrounded by Cuban forces. One soldier found
31052 a telephone and, using his credit card, called Ft. Bragg, N.C., telling Army
31053 officers there of the perilous situation. The officers in turn called the
31054 Air Force, which sent in gunships to scatter the Cubans and relieve the unit.
31055 -- Aviation Week and Space Technology
31057 It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing,
31058 but I couldn't give up because by that time I was too famous.
31061 It turned out that the worm exploited three or four different holes in the
31062 system. From this, and the fact that we were able to capture and examine
31063 some of the source code, we realized that we were dealing with someone very
31064 sharp, probably not someone here on campus.
31065 -- Dr. Richard LeBlanc, associate professor of ICS, in
31066 Georgia Tech's campus newspaper after the Internet worm.
31068 It used to be the fun was in
31069 The capture and kill.
31070 In another place and time
31071 I did it all for thrills.
31074 It usually takes more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech.
31077 It was a book to kill time for those who liked it better dead.
31079 It was a brave man that ate the first oyster.
31081 It was a fine, sweet night, the nicest since my divorce, maybe the nicest
31082 since the middle of my marriage. There was energy, softness, grace and
31083 laughter. I even took my socks off. In my circle, that means class.
31084 -- Andrew Bergman "The Big Kiss-off of 1944"
31086 It was a virgin forest, a place where the Hand of Man had never set
31089 It was all so different before everything changed.
31091 It was kinda like stuffing the wrong card in a computer,
31092 when you're stickin' those artificial stimulants in your arm.
31093 -- Dion, noted computer scientist
31095 It was one of those perfect summer days -- the sun was shining, a
31096 breeze was blowing, the birds were singing, and the lawn mower was
31100 It was one time too many
31102 It was all too much for me and you
31103 There was one way to go
31104 Nothing more we could do
31109 It was Penguin lust... at its ugliest.
31111 It was pity stayed his hand. "Pity I don't have any more bullets,"
31113 -- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings"
31115 "It was pleasant to me to get a letter from you the other day. Perhaps
31116 I should have found it pleasanter if I had been able to decipher it. I
31117 don't think that I mastered anything beyond the date (which I knew) and
31118 the signature (which I guessed at). There's a singular and a perpetual
31119 charm in a letter of yours; it never grows old, it never loses its
31120 novelty ... Other letters are read and thrown away and forgotten, but
31121 yours are kept forever -- unread. One of them will last a reasonable
31125 It was raining heavily, and the motorist had car trouble on a lonely country
31126 road. Anxious to find shelter for the night, he walked over to a farmhouse
31127 and knocked on the front door. No one responded. He could feel the water
31128 from the roof running down the back of his neck as he stood on the stoop.
31129 The next time he knocked louder, but still no answer. By now he was soaked
31130 to the skin. Desperately he pounded on the door. At last the head of a
31131 man appeared out of an upstairs window.
31132 "What do you want?" he asked gruffly.
31133 "My car broke down," said the traveler, "and I want to know if you
31134 would let me stay here for the night."
31135 "Sure," replied the man. "If you want to stay there all night, it's
31138 It was the Law of the Sea, they said. Civilization ends at the waterline.
31139 Beyond that, we all enter the food chain, and not always right at the top.
31140 -- Hunter S. Thompson
31142 It was wonderful to find America, but it
31143 would have been more wonderful to miss it.
31146 It wasn't exactly a divorce -- I was traded.
31149 It wasn't that she had a rose in her teeth, exactly. It was more like
31150 the rose and the teeth were in the same glass.
31152 It will be advantageous to cross the great stream ... the Dragon is on
31153 the wing in the Sky ... the Great Man rouses himself to his Work.
31155 It will be generally found that those who sneer habitually at human
31156 nature and affect to despise it, are among its worst and least pleasant
31160 It would be nice if the Food and Drug Administration stopped issuing
31161 warnings about toxic substances and just gave me the names of one or
31162 two things still safe to eat.
31165 It would be nice to be sure of anything
31166 the way some people are of everything.
31168 It would save me a lot of time if you just gave up and went mad now.
31171 Slanted to the right to emphasize key phrases. Unique to
31172 Western alphabets; in Eastern languages, the same phrases
31173 are often slanted to the left.
31175 It'll be a nice world if they ever get it finished.
31177 It'll be just like Beggars Canyon back home.
31180 It's a .88 magnum -- it goes through schools.
31183 It's a brave man who, when things are at their darkest, can kick back
31185 -- Dennis Quaid, "Inner Space"
31187 It's a damn poor mind that can only think of one way to spell a word.
31190 It's a dog-eat-dog world out there, and I'm wearing Milkbone underwear.
31193 It's a good thing we don't get all the government we pay for.
31195 It's a naive, domestic operating system without any
31196 breeding, but I think you'll be amused by its presumption.
31198 It's a poor workman who blames his tools.
31200 It's a recession when your neighbor loses his job; it's a depression
31201 when you lose yours.
31204 It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
31208 "What's a summons?"
31209 "It means summon's in trouble."
31210 -- Rocky and Bullwinkle
31212 It's a very *__
\b\bUN*lucky week in which to be took dead.
31213 -- Churchy La Femme
31215 It's all in the mind, ya know.
31217 It's all right letting yourself go as long as you can let yourself back.
31220 "It's all so painfully empty and lonesome... I don't think I can stand
31221 any more of it... the whole dreadful way we are born, die, and are
31222 never missed. The fact there is *nobody*... nobody really... We come
31223 out of a yawning tomb of flesh and sink back finally into another tomb.
31224 What is the point of it all? Who thought up this sickening circle of
31225 flesh and blood? We come into the world bleeding and cut and our bones
31226 half-crushed only to emerge and suffer more torment, mutilation, and
31227 then at the last lie down in some hole in the ground forever. Who could
31228 have thought it up, I wonder?"
31231 It's always a long day; 86400 doesn't fit into a short.
31233 It's always darkest just before it gets pitch black.
31235 It's always darkest just before the lights go out.
31238 It's amazing how many people you could be friends
31239 with if only they'd make the first approach.
31241 It's amazing how much better you feel once you've given up hope.
31243 It's amazing how much "mature wisdom" resembles being too tired.
31245 It's amazing how nice people are to you when they know you're going away.
31248 It's bad enough that life is a rat-race,
31249 but why do the rats always have to win?
31251 It's bad luck to be superstitious.
31252 -- Andrew W. Mathis
31254 It's better to be quotable than to be honest.
31257 It's better to be wanted for murder than not to be wanted at all.
31260 It's better to burn out than it is to rust.
31262 It's better to burn out than to fade away.
31264 It's better to have loved and lost -- much better.
31266 It's business doing pleasure with you.
31268 It's clever, but is it art?
31270 It's difficult to see the picture when you are inside the frame.
31272 "It's easier said than done."
31274 ... and if you don't believe it, try proving that it's easier done than
31275 said, and you'll see that "it's easier said that `it's easier done than
31276 said' than it is done", which really proves that "it's easier said than
31279 It's easier to be a liberal a long way from home.
31282 It's easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them.
31284 It's easier to get forgiveness for being wrong than forgiveness for
31287 It's easier to take it apart than to put it back together.
31290 It's easy to forgive someone for being wrong;
31291 it's much harder to forgive them for being right.
31293 It's easy to make a friend. What's hard is to make a stranger.
31295 "It's Fabulous! We haven't seen anything like it in the last half an
31299 Its failings notwithstanding, there is much to be said in favor of journalism
31300 in that by giving us the opinion of the uneducated, it keeps us in touch with
31301 the ignorance of the community.
31304 It's faster horses,
31308 -- Tom T. Hall, "The Secret of Life"
31310 It's from Casablanca. I've been waiting all my life to use that line.
31311 -- Woody Allen, "Play It Again, Sam"
31313 It's getting uncommonly easy to kill people in large numbers, and the
31314 first thing a principle does -- if it really is a principle -- is to
31318 It's gonna be alright,
31319 It's almost midnight,
31320 And I've got two more bottles of wine.
31322 It's hard not to like a man of many qualities,
31323 even if most of them are bad.
31325 It's hard to argue that God hated Oklahoma.
31326 If He didn't, why is it so close to Texas?
31328 It's hard to be humble when you're perfect.
31330 It's hard to drive at the limit, but
31331 it's harder to know where the limits are.
31334 It's hard to get ivory in Africa, but in Alabama the Tuscaloosa.
31337 It's hard to keep your shirt on when
31338 you're getting something off your chest.
31340 It's hard to outrun dead people because they don't have to breathe.
31341 -- Hokey, describing "Night of the Living Dead"
31343 It's hard to think of you as the end
31344 result of millions of years of evolution.
31346 It's illegal in Wilbur, Washington, to ride an ugly horse.
31348 It's important that people know what you stand for.
31349 It's more important that they know what you won't stand for.
31351 It's interesting to think that many quite
31352 distinguished people have bodies similar to yours.
31354 It's is not, it isn't ain't, and it's it's, not its, if you mean it is.
31355 If you don't, it's its. Then too, it's hers. It isn't her's. It isn't
31356 our's either. It's ours, and likewise yours and theirs.
31357 -- Oxford University Press, "Edpress News"
31359 It's just a jump to the left
31360 And then a step to the right.
31361 Put your hands on your hips
31362 You bring your knees in tight.
31363 But it's the pelvic thrust
31364 That really drives you insa-a-a-a-a-ane!
31366 LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN!
31368 -- Rocky Horror Picture Show
31370 It's just apartment house rules,
31371 So all you 'partment house fools
31372 Remember: one man's ceiling is another man's floor.
31373 One man's ceiling is another man's floor.
31374 -- Paul Simon, "One Man's Ceiling Is Another Man's Floor"
31376 "It's kind of fun to do the impossible."
31379 It's later than you think.
31381 It's later than you think, the joint
31382 Russian-American space mission has already begun.
31384 It's like deja vu all over again.
31391 and even the teddy bears
31394 It's lucky you're going so slowly, because you're going in the wrong
31397 "It's men like him that give the Y chromosome a bad name."
31399 It's more than magnificent -- it's mediocre.
31402 It's multiple choice time...
31406 a: Between thre and fiv tran.
31407 b: What two computers engage in before they interface.
31410 Its name is Public Opinion. It is held in reverence.
31411 It settles everything. Some think it is the voice of God.
31414 It's never too late to have a happy childhood.
31416 It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding
31417 a sickness you like.
31420 It's no surprise that things are so screwed up: everyone that knows how
31421 to run a government is either driving taxicabs or cutting hair.
31424 It's no use crying over spilt milk -- it only makes it salty for the cat.
31426 It's not against any religion to want to dispose of a pigeon.
31429 It's not an optical illusion, it just looks like one.
31432 "It's not Camelot, but it's not Cleveland, either."
31433 -- Kevin White, mayor of Boston
31435 It's not easy being green.
31438 It's not enough to be Hungarian; you must have talent too.
31441 It's not hard to admit errors that are [only] cosmetically wrong.
31444 "It's not just a computer -- it's your ass."
31447 It's not reality or how you perceive things that's important -- it's
31448 what you're taking for it...
31450 It's not reality that's important, but how you perceive things.
31452 It's not so hard to lift yourself by your bootstraps once you're off
31456 It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it
31460 It's not the fall that kills you, it's the landing.
31462 It's not the men in my life, but the life in my men that counts.
31465 It's not the valleys in life I dread so much as the dips.
31468 It's not whether you win or lose but how you look playing the game.
31470 It's not whether you win or lose but how you played the game.
31473 It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you look playing the game.
31475 It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you place the blame.
31477 It's odd, and a little unsettling, to reflect upon the fact that
31478 English is the only major language in which "I" is capitalized; in many
31479 other languages "You" is capitalized and the "i" is lower case.
31480 -- Sydney J. Harris
31482 It's only by NOT taking the human race seriously that I retain
31483 what fragments of my once considerable mental powers I still possess.
31486 It's our fault. We should have given him better parts.
31487 -- Jack Warner, on hearing that Reagan had been
31488 elected governor of California.
31490 [Warner is also reported to have said, when told of Reagan's candidacy
31491 for governor, "No, Jimmy Stewart for Governor; Reagan for best friend."]
31493 It's possible that the whole purpose of your life is to serve
31494 as a warning to others.
31496 It's pretty hard to tell what does bring happiness;
31497 poverty and wealth have both failed.
31500 It's raisins that make Post Raisin Bran so raisiny ...
31502 It's really quite a simple choice: Life, Death, or Los Angeles.
31504 It's reassuring to know that if you behave strangely enough,
31505 society will take full responsibility for you.
31507 It's recently come to Fortune's attention that scientists have stopped
31508 using laboratory rats in favor of attorneys. Seems that there are not
31509 only more of them, but you don't get so emotionally attached. The only
31510 difficulty is that it's sometimes difficult to apply the experimental
31513 [Also, there are some things even a rat won't do. Ed.]
31515 It's so beautifully arranged on the plate -- you know someone's fingers
31516 have been all over it.
31517 -- Julia Child on nouvelle cuisine
31519 It's so confusing choosing sides in the heat of the moment,
31520 just to see if it's real,
31521 Oooh, it's so erotic having you tell me how it should feel,
31522 But I'm avoiding all the hard cold facts that I got to face,
31523 So ask me just one question when this magic night is through,
31524 Could it have been just anyone or did it have to be you?
31525 -- Billy Joel, "Glass Houses"
31527 It's so stupid of modern civilization to have given up believing in the
31528 Devil when he is the only explanation for it.
31530 It's sweet to be remembered, but it's often cheaper to be forgotten.
31532 It's ten o'clock; do you know where your processes are?
31534 It's the good girls who keep the diaries, the bad girls never have the time.
31535 -- Tallulah Bankhead
31537 It's the opinion of some that crops could be grown on the moon. Which
31538 raises the fear that it may not be long before we're paying somebody
31540 -- Franklin P. Jones
31542 It's the same old story; boy meets beer, boy drinks beer...
31543 boy gets another beer.
31546 It's the thought, if any, that counts!
31548 "It's today!" said Piglet.
31549 "My favorite day," said Pooh.
31551 It's useless to try to hold some people to anything they say while they're
31552 madly in love, drunk, or running for office.
31554 It's very glamorous to raise millions of dollars, until it's time for the
31555 venture capitalist to suck your eyeballs out.
31556 -- Peter Kennedy, chairman of Kraft & Kennedy
31558 It's very inconvenient to be mortal -- you never
31559 know when everything may suddenly stop happening.
31561 IV. The time required for an object to fall twenty stories is greater than or
31562 equal to the time it takes for whoever knocked it off the ledge to
31563 spiral down twenty flights to attempt to capture it unbroken.
31564 Such an object is inevitably priceless, the attempt to capture it
31565 inevitably unsuccessful.
31566 V. All principles of gravity are negated by fear.
31567 Psychic forces are sufficient in most bodies for a shock to propel
31568 them directly away from the earth's surface. A spooky noise or an
31569 adversary's signature sound will induce motion upward, usually to
31570 the cradle of a chandelier, a treetop, or the crest of a flagpole.
31571 The feet of a character who is running or the wheels of a speeding
31572 auto need never touch the ground, especially when in flight.
31573 VI. As speed increases, objects can be in several places at once.
31574 This is particularly true of tooth-and-claw fights, in which a
31575 character's head may be glimpsed emerging from the cloud of
31576 altercation at several places simultaneously. This effect is common
31577 as well among bodies that are spinning or being throttled. A "wacky"
31578 character has the option of self-replication only at manic high
31579 speeds and may ricochet off walls to achieve the velocity required.
31580 -- Esquire, "O'Donnell's Laws of Cartoon Motion", June 1980
31582 I've already told you more than I know.
31584 I've always considered statesmen to be more expendable than soldiers.
31586 I've always felt sorry for people that don't drink -- remember,
31587 when they wake up, that's as good as they're gonna feel all day!
31589 I've always made it a solemn practice to never
31590 drink anything stronger than tequila before breakfast.
31593 I've been in more laps than a napkin.
31598 I've been on a diet for two weeks and all I've lost is two weeks.
31601 I've been on this lonely road so long,
31602 Does anybody know where it goes,
31603 I remember last time the signs pointed home,
31605 -- Carpenters, "Road Ode"
31609 I've built a better model than the one at Data General
31610 For data bases vegetable, animal, and mineral
31611 My OS handles CPUs with multiplexed duality;
31612 My PL/1 compiler shows impressive functionality.
31613 My storage system's better than magnetic core polarity,
31614 You never have to bother checking out a bit for parity;
31615 There isn't any reason to install non-static floor matting;
31616 My disk drive has capacity for variable formatting.
31618 I feel compelled to mention what I know to be a gloating point:
31619 There's lots of room in memory for variables floating-point,
31620 Which shows for input vegetable, animal, and mineral
31621 I've built a better model than the one at Data General.
31623 -- Steve Levine, "A Computer Song" (To the tune of
31624 "Modern Major General", from "Pirates of Penzance",
31625 by Gilbert & Sullivan)
31627 I've enjoyed just about as much of this as I can stand.
31629 I've finally learned what "upward compatible" means.
31630 It means we get to keep all our old mistakes.
31631 -- Dennie van Tassel
31633 I've found my niche. If you're wondering why I'm not there, there was
31634 this little hole in the bottom ...
31637 I've given up reading books; I find it takes my mind off myself.
31639 I've got a very bad feeling about this.
31642 I've got all the money I'll ever need if I die by 4 o'clock.
31645 I've got some powdered water, but I don't know what to add.
31648 I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.
31651 I've known him as a man, as an adolescent and as a child -- sometimes
31654 I've looked at the listing, and it's right!
31657 I've never been canoeing before, but I imagine there must
31658 be just a few simple heuristics you have to remember...
31660 Yes, don't fall out, and don't hit rocks.
31662 I've never been drunk, but often I've been overserved.
31665 I've never been hurt by anything I didn't say.
31668 I've never had a problem with drugs; I've had problems with the police.
31671 I never turn blue in anyone's bathroom. I think that's the height of
31675 I've never struck a woman in my life, not even my own mother.
31678 I've noticed several design suggestions in your code.
31680 I've only got 12 cards.
31682 "I've seen better heads on half a pint of beer."
31684 "I've seen, I SAY, I've seen better heads on a mug of beer"
31685 -- Senator Claghorn
31687 I've spent almost all of my life with highly intelligent men. They're not
31688 like other men. Their spirit is great and stimulating. They hate strife;
31689 indeed they reject it. Their inventive gifts are boundless. They demand
31690 devotion and obedience. And a sense of humor. I happily gave all of this.
31691 I was lucky to be chosen and clever enough to understand them.
31692 -- Marlene Dietrich, on her friendship with Ernest Hemingway
31694 I've touch'd the highest point of all my greatness;
31695 And from that full meridian of my glory
31696 I haste now to my setting. I shall fall,
31697 Like a bright exhalation in the evening
31698 And no man see me more.
31699 -- William Shakespeare
31701 I've tried several varieties of sex. The conventional position makes
31702 me claustrophobic, and the others either give me a stiff neck or lockjaw.
31703 -- Tallulah Bankhead
31705 Jacquin's Postulate on Democratic Government:
31706 No man's life, liberty, or property are safe while the
31707 legislature is in session.
31711 shy ones, the bold paul scorns all
31712 ones; the meek the girls(the
31713 proud sloppy sleek) bright ones, the dim
31714 all except the cold ones; the slim
31715 ones plump tiny tall)
31720 warped ones, the lamed mike likes all the girls
31722 moronic maimed) fat ones, the lean
31723 all except ones; the mean
31724 the dead ones kind dirty clean)
31726 except the green ones
31729 James Joyce -- an essentially private man who wished his total
31730 indifference to public notice to be universally recognized.
31733 James McNeill Whistler's (painter of "Whistler's Mother") failure in his
31734 West Point chemistry examination once provoked him to remark in later life,
31735 "If silicon had been a gas, I should have been a major general."
31737 Jane and I got mixed up with a television show -- or as we call it back
31738 east here: TV -- a clever contraction derived from the words Terrible
31739 Vaudeville. However, it is our latest medium -- we call it a medium
31740 because nothing's well done. It was discovered, I suppose you've heard,
31741 by a man named Fulton Berle, and it has already revolutionized social
31742 grace by cutting down parlour conversation to two sentences: "What's on
31743 television?" and "Good night".
31744 -- Goodman Ace, letter to Groucho Marx, in The Groucho
31748 A fictional place where elves, gnomes and economic imperialists
31749 create electronic equipment and computers using black magic. It
31750 is said that in the capital city of Akihabara, the streets are
31751 paved with gold and semiconductor chips grow on low bushes from
31752 which they are harvested by the happy natives.
31754 Jealousy is all the fun you think they have.
31761 But only Buddha pays Dividends.
31763 Jim, it's Grace at the bank. I checked your Christmas Club account.
31764 You don't have five-hundred dollars. You have fifty. Sorry, computer foul-up!
31766 Jim, it's Jack. I'm at the airport. I'm going to Tokyo and wanna pay
31767 you the five-hundred I owe you. Catch you next year when I get back!
31770 In a large locker room with hundreds of lockers, the few people
31771 using the facility at any one time will all have lockers next to
31772 each other so that everybody is cramped.
31774 Jim, this is Janelle. I'm flying tonight, so I can't make our date, and
31775 I gotta find a safe place for Daffy. He loves you, Jim! It's only two
31776 days, and you'll see. Great Danes are no problem!
31778 Jim, this is Matty down at Ralph's and Mark's. Some guy named Angel
31779 Martin just ran up a fifty buck bar tab. And now he wants to charge it
31780 to you. You gonna pay it?
31783 The excruciating process during which personnel officers
31784 separate the wheat from the chaff -- then hire the chaff.
31787 Telling your boss what he can do with your job.
31789 Joe Cool always spends the first two weeks at college sailing his frisbee.
31792 Joe sat as his dying wife's bedside.
31793 Her voice was little more than a whisper.
31794 "Joe, darling," she breathed, "I've got a confession to make
31795 before I go. I ... I'm the one who took the $10,000 from your safe...
31796 I spent it on a fling with your best friend, Charles. And it was I who
31797 forced your mistress to leave the city. And I am the one who reported
31798 your income-tax evasion to the I.R.S..."
31799 "That's all right, dearest, don't give it a second thought,"
31800 whispered Joe. "I'm the one who poisoned you."
31802 Joe's sister puts spaghetti in her shoes!
31805 An odd sort of person with a thing for pain.
31807 John Dame May Oscar
31808 Was Gay Was Whitty Was Wilde
31809 But Gerard Hopkins But John Greenleaf But Thornton
31810 Was Manley Was Whittier Was Wilder
31813 JOHN PAUL ELECTED POPE!!
31815 (George and Ringo miffed.)
31817 John the Baptist after poisoning a thief,
31818 Looks up at his hero, the Commander-in-Chief,
31819 Saying tell me great leader, but please make it brief
31820 Is there a hole for me to get sick in?
31821 The Commander-in-Chief answers him while chasing a fly,
31822 Saying death to all those who would whimper and cry.
31823 And dropping a barbell he points to the sky,
31824 Saying the sun is not yellow, it's chicken.
31825 -- Bob Dylan, "Tombstone Blues"
31827 Johnny Carson's Definition:
31828 The smallest interval of time known to man is that which occurs
31829 in Manhattan between the traffic signal turning green and the
31830 taxi driver behind you blowing his horn.
31832 Johnson's First Law:
31833 When any mechanical contrivance fails, it will do so at the
31834 most inconvenient possible time.
31837 Systems resemble the organizations that create them.
31839 Join in the new game that's sweeping the country. It's called
31840 "Bureaucracy". Everybody stands in a circle. The first person to do
31843 Join the army, see the world, meet interesting,
31844 exciting people, and kill them.
31846 Join the march to save individuality!
31848 Join the Navy; sail to far-off exotic lands,
31849 meet exciting interesting people, and kill them.
31852 Anyone who makes a significant contribution to any field of
31853 endeavor, and stays in that field long enough, becomes an
31854 obstruction to its progress -- in direct proportion to the
31855 importance of their original contribution.
31858 The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone
31862 Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate.
31865 Anyone who makes a significant contribution to any field of
31866 endeavor, and stays in that field long enough, becomes an obstruction
31867 to its progress -- in direct proportion to the importance of their
31868 original contribution.
31870 Joshu: What is the true Way?
31871 Nansen: Every way is the true Way.
31873 N: The more you study, the further from the Way.
31874 J: If I don't study it, how can I know it?
31875 N: The Way does not belong to things seen: nor to things unseen.
31876 It does not belong to things known: nor to things unknown. Do
31877 not seek it, study it, or name it. To find yourself on it, open
31878 yourself as wide as the sky.
31880 Journalism is literature in a hurry.
31883 Journalism will kill you, but it will keep you alive while you're at it.
31885 Juall's Law on Nice Guys:
31886 Nice guys don't always finish last; sometimes they don't finish.
31887 Sometimes they don't even get a chance to start!
31889 Judges, as a class, display, in the matter of arranging alimony, that
31890 reckless generosity which is found only in men who are giving away
31891 someone else's cash.
31892 -- P. G. Wodehouse, "Louder and Funnier"
31894 Just a few of the perfect excuses for having some strawberry shortcake.
31897 1: It's less calories than two pieces of strawberry shortcake.
31898 2: It's cheaper than going to France.
31899 3: It neutralizes the brownies I had yesterday.
31901 5: It's somebody's birthday. I don't want them to celebrate alone.
31902 6: It matches my eyes.
31903 7: Whoever said, "Let them eat cake." must have been talking to me.
31904 8: To punish myself for eating dessert yesterday.
31905 9: Compensation for all the time I spend in the shower not eating.
31906 10: Strawberry shortcake is evil. I must help rid the world of it.
31907 11: I'm getting weak from eating all that healthy stuff.
31908 12: It's the second anniversary of the night I ate plain broccoli.
31910 Just a song before I go, Going through security
31911 To whom it may concern, I held her for so long.
31912 Traveling twice the speed of sound She finally looked at me in love,
31913 It's easy to get burned. And she was gone.
31914 When the shows were over Just a song before I go,
31915 We had to get back home, A lesson to be learned.
31916 And when we opened up the door Traveling twice the speed of sound
31917 I had to be alone. It's easy to get burned.
31918 She helped me with my suitcase,
31919 She stands before my eyes,
31920 Driving me to the airport
31921 And to the friendly skies.
31922 -- Crosby, Stills, Nash, "Just a Song Before I Go"
31924 Just about every computer on the market today runs Unix, except the Mac
31925 (and nobody cares about it).
31926 -- Bill Joy 6/21/85
31928 Just as I cannot remember any time when I could not read and write, I cannot
31929 remember any time when I did not exercise my imagination in daydreams about
31931 -- George Bernard Shaw
31933 Just as most issues are seldom black or white, so are most good
31934 solutions seldom black or white. Beware of the solution that requires
31935 one side to be totally the loser and the other side to be totally the
31936 winner. The reason there are two sides to begin with usually is
31937 because neither side has all the facts. Therefore, when the wise
31938 mediator effects a compromise, he is not acting from political
31939 motivation. Rather, he is acting from a deep sense of respect for the
31941 -- Stephen R. Schwambach
31943 Just because everything is different doesn't mean anything has
31947 Just because he's dead is no reason to lay off work.
31949 Just because I turn down a contract on a guy doesn't mean he isn't
31953 Just because the message may never be
31954 received does not mean it is not worth sending.
31956 Just because they are called "forbidden" transitions does not mean that they
31957 are forbidden. They are less allowed than allowed transitions, if you see
31959 -- From a Part 2 Quantum Mechanics lecture
31961 Just because you like my stuff doesn't mean I owe you anything.
31964 Just because your doctor has a name for your condition doesn't mean he
31967 Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they AREN'T after you.
31969 Just close your eyes, tap your heels together three times,
31970 and think to yourself, `There's no place like home.'
31973 Just give Alice some pencils and she will stay busy for hours.
31975 Just go with the flow control, roll with the crunches, and, when you
31976 get a prompt, type like hell.
31978 Just how difficult it is to write biography can be reckoned by anybody
31979 who sits down and considers just how many people know the real truth
31980 about his or her love affairs.
31983 Just machines to make big decisions,
31984 Programmed by men for compassion and vision,
31985 We'll be clean when their work is done,
31986 We'll be eternally free, yes, eternally young,
31987 What a beautiful world this will be,
31988 What a glorious time to be free.
31989 -- Donald Fagon, "What A Beautiful World"
31991 Just once, I wish we would encounter an alien menace that wasn't
31993 -- Brigadier Lethbridge-Stewart, "Doctor Who"
31995 "Just out of curiosity does this actually mean something or have some
31996 of the few remaining bits of your brain just evaporated?"
31997 -- Patricia O Tuama, rissa@killer.DALLAS.TX.US
31999 "Just remember, it all started with a mouse."
32002 Just remember: when you go to court, you are trusting your fate to
32003 twelve people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty!
32005 Just remember, wherever you go, there you are.
32008 `Just the place for a Snark!' the Bellman cried,
32009 As he landed his crew with care;
32010 Supporting each man on the top of the tide
32011 By a finger entwined in his hair.
32013 `Just the place for a Snark! I have said it twice:
32014 That alone should encourage the crew.
32015 Just the place for a Snark! I have said it thrice:
32016 What I tell you three times is true.'
32018 Just think -- blessed SCSI cables! Do a big enough sacrifice and create
32019 a +5 blessed SCSI cable of connectivity.
32022 Just to have it is enough.
32024 Just weigh your own hurt against the hurt
32025 of all the others, and then do what's best.
32026 -- Lovers and Other Strangers
32028 Just what does "it" mean in the sentence, "What time is it?"
32030 Just when you thought you were winning the rat race, along comes a
32033 Just yesterday morning, they let me know you were gone,
32034 Suzanne, the plans they made put an end to you,
32035 I went out this morning and I wrote down this song,
32036 Just can't remember who to send it to...
32038 Oh, I've seen fire and I've seen rain,
32039 I've seen sunny days that I thought would never end,
32040 I've seen lonely times when I could not find a friend,
32041 But I always thought that I'd see you again.
32042 Thought I'd see you one more time again.
32043 -- James Taylor, "Fire and Rain"
32045 Justice always prevails ... three times out of seven!
32046 -- Michael J. Wagner
32048 Justice is incidental to law and order.
32052 A decision in your favor.
32054 K: Cobalt's metal, hard and shining;
32055 Cobol's wordy and confining;
32056 KOBOLDS topple when you strike them;
32057 Don't feel bad, it's hard to like them.
32058 -- The Roguelet's ABC
32061 In the fight between you and the world, back the world.
32062 -- Franz Kafka, "RS's 1974 Expectation of Days"
32064 Kamikazes do it once.
32067 Where the men are men and so are the women!
32069 Kansas state law requires pedestrians crossing the highways at night to
32072 Karlson's Theorem of Snack Food Packages:
32074 For all P, where P is a package of snack food, P is a SINGLE-SERVING
32075 package of snack food.
32077 Gibson the Cat's Corollary:
32079 For all L, where L is a package of lunch meat, L is Gibson's package
32082 Kath: Can he be present at the birth of his child?
32083 Ed: It's all any reasonable child can expect if the dad is present
32085 -- Joe Orton, "Entertaining Mr. Sloane"
32088 Man and nations will act rationally when all other
32089 possibilities have been exhausted.
32092 Men and nations will act rationally when all other
32093 possibilities have been exhausted.
32095 History teaches us that men and nations behave wisely once they have
32096 exhausted all other alternatives.
32099 Kaufman's First Law of Party Physics:
32100 Population density is inversely proportional
32101 to the square of the distance from the keg.
32104 A policy is a restrictive document to prevent a recurrence
32105 of a single incident, in which that incident is never mentioned.
32107 Keep a diary and one day it'll keep you.
32110 Keep America beautiful. Swallow your beer cans.
32112 Keep ancient lands, your storied pomp! cries she
32113 With silent lips. Give me your tired, your poor,
32114 Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,
32115 The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.
32116 Send these, the homeless, tempest-tossed to me...
32117 -- Emma Lazarus, "The New Colossus"
32119 Keep Cool, but Don't Freeze
32120 -- Hellman's Mayonnaise
32122 Keep emotionally active. Cater to your favorite neurosis.
32124 Keep grandma off the streets -- legalize bingo.
32126 Keep in mind always the four constant Laws of Frisbee:
32127 1) The most powerful force in the world is that of a disc
32128 straining to land under a car, just out of reach (this
32129 force is technically termed "car suck").
32130 2) Never precede any maneuver by a comment more predictive
32132 3) The probability of a Frisbee hitting something is directly
32133 proportional to the cost of hitting it. For instance, a
32134 Frisbee will always head directly towards a policeman or
32135 a little old lady rather than the beat up Chevy.
32136 4) Your best throw happens when no one is watching; when the
32137 cute girl you've been trying to impress is watching, the
32138 Frisbee will invariably bounce out of your hand or hit you
32139 in the head and knock you silly.
32141 Keep in mind always the two constant Laws of Frisbee:
32142 (1) The most powerful force in the world is that of a disc
32143 straining to land under a car, just out of reach (this
32144 force is technically termed "car suck").
32145 (2) Never precede any maneuver by a comment more predictive
32148 Keep it short for pithy sake.
32150 Keep on keepin' on.
32152 Keep patting your enemy on the back until a
32153 small bullet hole appears between your fingers.
32156 Keep the number of passes in a compiler to a minimum.
32159 Keep the phase, baby.
32161 Keep up the good work! But please don't ask me to help.
32163 Keep women you cannot. Marry them and they come to hate the way
32164 you walk across the room; remain their lover, and they jilt you
32165 at the end of six months.
32168 Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back.
32170 Keep your Eye on the Ball,
32171 Your Shoulder to the Wheel,
32172 Your Nose to the Grindstone,
32173 Your Feet on the Ground,
32174 Your Head on your Shoulders.
32175 Now ... try to get something DONE!
32177 Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.
32178 -- Benjamin Franklin
32180 Keep your laws off my body!
32182 Keep your mouth shut and people will think you stupid;
32183 Open it and you remove all doubt.
32185 Ken Thompson has an automobile which he helped design. Unlike most
32186 automobiles, it has neither speedometer, nor gas gage, nor any of the
32187 numerous idiot lights which plague the modern driver. Rather, if the
32188 driver makes any mistake, a giant "?" lights up in the center of the
32189 dashboard. "The experienced driver", he says, "will usually know
32192 Kennedy's Market Theorem:
32193 Given enough inside information and unlimited credit,
32194 you've got to go broke.
32197 Look for it first where you'd most like to find it.
32200 1. To pack type together as tightly as the kernels on an ear
32201 of corn. 2. In parts of Brooklyn and Queens, N.Y., a small,
32202 metal object used as part of the monetary system.
32205 A part of an operating system that preserves the medieval
32206 traditions of sorcery and black art.
32208 Kerr's Three Rules for a Successful College:
32209 Have plenty of football for the alumni, sex for the students,
32210 and parking for the faculty.
32212 Kettering's Observation:
32213 Logic is an organized way of going wrong with confidence.
32215 Kids always brighten up a house; mostly by leaving the lights on.
32217 Kids have *never* taken guidance from their parents. If you could travel
32218 back in time and observe the original primate family in the original tree,
32219 you would see the primate parents yelling at the primate teenager for sitting
32220 around and sulking all day instead of hunting for grubs and berries like
32221 dad primate. Then you'd see the primate teenager stomp up to his branch
32222 and slam the leaves.
32225 Kids have *_____
\b\b\b\b\bnever* taken guidance from their parents. If you could
32226 travel back in time and observe the original primate family in the
32227 original tree, you would see the primate parents yelling at the primate
32228 teenager for sitting around and sulking all day instead of hunting for
32229 grubs and berries like dad primate. Then you'd see the primate
32230 teenager stomp up to his branch and slam the leaves.
32231 -- Dave Barry, "Kids Today: They Don't Know Dum Diddly
32234 Kill a commy for your mommy.
32236 Kill 'em all, and let God sort 'em out.
32238 Kill for the love of killing! Kill for the love of Kali!
32243 Murder, Maim, and Mutilate!
32248 Killing turkeys causes winter.
32252 Kime's Law for the Reward of Meekness:
32253 Turning the other cheek merely ensures two bruised cheeks.
32256 An affliction of the blood.
32258 Kindness is a language which the deaf can hear and the blind can read.
32261 Kindness is the beginning of cruelty.
32262 -- Muad'dib, "Dune"
32264 Kington's Law of Perforation:
32265 If a straight line of holes is made in a piece of paper, such
32266 as a sheet of stamps or a check, that line becomes the strongest
32269 Kinkler's First Law:
32270 Responsibility always exceeds authority.
32272 Kinkler's Second Law:
32273 All the easy problems have been solved.
32275 Kirk to Enterprise...
32277 Kirk to Enterprise -- beam down yeoman Rand and a six-pack.
32279 Kirkland, Illinois, law forbids bees to fly over the village or through
32280 any of its streets.
32282 Kiss a non-smoker; taste the difference.
32284 Kiss me, Kate, we will be married o' Sunday.
32285 -- William Shakespeare, "The Taming of the Shrew"
32287 Kiss me twice. I'm schizophrenic.
32289 Kiss your keyboard goodbye!
32291 Kissing a fish is like smoking a bicycle.
32293 Kissing a smoker is like licking an ashtray.
32295 Kissing don't last, cookery do.
32298 Kissing your hand may make you feel very good, but a diamond and
32299 sapphire bracelet lasts for ever.
32300 -- Anita Loos, "Gentlemen Prefer Blondes"
32302 Kitchen activity is highlighted.
32303 Butter up a friend.
32305 Kites rise highest against the wind -- not with it.
32306 -- Winston Churchill
32308 Klatu barada nikto.
32310 Kleeneness is next to Godelness.
32312 Klein bottle for rent -- inquire within.
32314 Klein bottle for sale ... inquire within.
32318 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
32320 Kliban's First Law of Dining:
32321 Never eat anything bigger than your head.
32323 Klingon phaser attack from front!!!!!
32324 100% Damage to life support!!!!
32327 An ill-assorted collection of poorly-matching parts, forming a
32329 -- Jackson Granholm, "Datamation"
32332 It is now proved beyond doubt that smoking is one of the leading
32333 causes of statistics.
32335 Knights are hardly worth it.
32336 I mean, all that shell and so little meat...
32342 Sam and Janet Evening...
32344 Knock Knock... (who's there?) Ether! (ether who?) Eather Bunny... Yea!
32347 Stay on the Happy side, always on the happy side,
32348 Stay on the Happy side of life!
32349 Bum bum bum bum bum bum
32350 You will feel no pain, as we drive you insane,
32351 So Stay on the Happy Side of life!
32353 Knock Knock... (who's there?) Anna! (anna who?)
32354 An another eather bunny... [chorus]
32355 Knock Knock... (who's there?) Stilla! (stilla who?)
32356 Still another ether bunny... [chorus]
32357 Knock Knock... (who's there?) Yetta! (yetta who?)
32358 Yet another ether bunny... [chorus]
32359 Knock Knock... (who's there?) Cargo! (cargo who?)
32360 Cargo beep beep and run over eather bunny... [chorus]
32361 Knock Knock... (who's there?) Boo! (boo who?)
32362 Don't Cry! Eather bunny be back next year! [chorus]
32364 Knocked, you weren't in.
32367 Know how to save 5 drowning lawyers?
32375 Know thyself. If you need help, call the C.I.A.
32377 Know what I hate most? Rhetorical questions.
32381 Things you believe.
32383 Knowledge is power.
32386 Knowledge is power -- knowledge shared is power lost.
32387 -- Aleister Crowley
32389 Knowledge without common sense is folly.
32391 Knucklehead: "Knock, knock"
32392 Pee Wee: "Who's there?"
32393 Knucklehead: "Little ol' lady."
32394 Pee Wee: "Liddle ol' lady who?"
32395 Knucklehead: "I didn't know you could yodel"
32398 You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the tracks.
32401 You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the track.
32404 (chemical symbol: Kr) The metallic silver coating found
32405 on fast-food game cards.
32406 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
32408 Krogt, n. (chemical symbol: Kr):
32409 The metallic silver coating found on fast-food game cards.
32410 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
32413 Where the only way to determine that the seasons have changed
32414 is to note that people have changed the main topic of conversation.
32415 From mud slides to brush fires.
32418 One of the processes by which A acquires property for B.
32419 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
32422 One of the processes whereby A acquires property for B.
32425 Lack of capability is usually disguised by lack of interest.
32427 Lack of money is the root of all evil.
32428 -- George Bernard Shaw
32431 (1) Never be first.
32433 (3) Never volunteer for anything.
32435 Lactomangulation, n.:
32436 Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk carton so badly
32437 that one has to resort to using the "illegal" side.
32438 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
32440 La-dee-dee, la-dee-dah.
32442 Ladies and Gentlemen, Hobos and Tramps,
32443 Cross-eyed mosquitoes and bowlegged ants,
32444 I come before you to stand behind you
32445 To tell you of something I know nothing about.
32446 Next Thursday (which is good Friday),
32447 There will be a convention held in the
32448 Women's Club which is strictly for Men.
32449 Admission is free, pay at the door,
32450 Pull up a chair, and sit on the floor.
32451 It was a summer's day in winter,
32452 And the snow was raining fast,
32453 As a barefoot boy with shoes on,
32454 Stood sitting in the grass.
32455 Oh, that bright day in the dead of night,
32456 Two dead men got up to fight.
32457 Three blind men to see fair play,
32458 Forty mutes to yell "Hooray"!
32459 Back to back, they faced each other,
32460 Drew their swords and shot each other.
32461 A deaf policeman heard the noise,
32462 Came and arrested those two dead boys.
32464 Ladies, here's a hint: If you're playing against a friend who has big
32465 boobs, bring her to the net and make her hit backhand volleys. That's
32466 the hardest shot for the well endowed. "I've got to hit over them or
32467 under them, but I can't hit through," Annie Jones used to always moan
32468 to me. Not having much in my bra, I found it hard to sympathize with
32470 -- Billie Jean King
32472 Lady, lady, should you meet
32473 One whose ways are all discreet,
32474 One who murmurs that his wife
32475 Is the lodestar of his life,
32476 One who keeps assuring you
32477 That he never was untrue,
32478 Never loved another one...
32479 Lady, lady, better run!
32480 -- Dorothy Parker, "Social Note"
32482 Lady Luck brings added income today.
32483 Lady friend takes it away tonight.
32486 "Winston, if you were my husband, I'd put poison in your coffee."
32488 "Nancy, if you were my wife, I'd drink it."
32490 Lady Astor was giving a costume ball and Winston Churchill asked her what
32491 disguise she would recommend for him. She replied, "Why don't you come
32492 sober, Mr. Prime Minister?"
32494 During a visit to America, Winston Churchill was invited to a buffet
32495 luncheon at which cold fried chicken was served. Returning for a second
32496 helping, he asked politely, "May I have some breast?"
32497 "Mr. Churchill," replied the hostess, "in this country we ask for
32498 white meat or dark meat." Churchill apologized profusely.
32499 The following morning, the lady received a magnificent orchid from
32500 her guest of honor. The accompanying card read: "I would be most obliged if
32501 you would pin this on your white meat."
32504 Look to your stern!
32505 Your house is on fire,
32506 Your children will burn!
32507 So jump ye and sing, for
32508 The very first time
32509 The four lines above
32510 Have been put into rhyme.
32513 Laetrile is the pits.
32515 Lake Erie died for your sins.
32517 ((lambda (foo) (bar foo)) (baz))
32519 Lamonte Cranston once hired a new Chinese manservant. While describing his
32520 duties to the new man, Lamonte pointed to a bowl of candy on the coffee
32521 table and warned him that he was not to take any. Some days later, the new
32522 manservant was cleaning up, with no one at home, and decided to sample some
32523 of the candy. Just than, Cranston walked in, spied the manservant at the
32525 "Pardon me Choy, is that the Shadow's nugate you chew?"
32528 (1) Everything depends.
32529 (2) Nothing is always.
32530 (3) Everything is sometimes.
32532 Language is a virus from another planet.
32533 -- William Burroughs
32535 Lank: Here we go. We're about to set a new record.
32536 Earl: (to the crowd) How about a date?
32537 Lank: We've done it. Earl has set a new record. Turned down by
32541 Lansdale seized on the idea of using Nixon to build support for the
32542 [Vietnamese] elections ... really honest elections, this time. "Oh, sure,
32543 honest, yes, that's right," Nixon said, "so long as you win!" With that
32544 he winked, drove his elbow into Lansdale's arm and slapped his own knee.
32545 -- Richard Nixon, quoted in "Sideshow" by W. Shawcross
32547 Large increases in cost with questionable increases in
32548 performance can be tolerated only in race horses and women.
32551 Largest Number of Driving Test Failures
32552 By April 1970 Mrs. Miriam Hargrave had failed her test thirty-nine
32553 times. In the eight preceding years she had received two hundred and
32554 twelve driving lessons at a cost of L300. She set the new record while
32555 driving triumphantly through a set of red traffic lights in Wakefield,
32556 Yorkshire. Disappointingly, she passed at the fortieth attempt (3 August
32557 1970) but eight years later she showed some of her old magic when she was
32558 reported as saying that she still didn't like doing right-hand turns.
32559 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
32562 All laws are basically false.
32567 Lassie looked brilliant, in part because the farm family she lived with
32568 was made up of idiots. Remember? One of them was always getting
32569 pinned under the tractor, and Lassie was always rushing back to the
32570 farmhouse to alert the other ones. She'd whimper and tug at their
32571 sleeves, and they'd always waste precious minutes saying things: "Do
32572 you think something's wrong? Do you think she wants us to follow her?
32573 What is it, girl?", etc., as if this had never happened before, instead
32574 of every week. What with all the time these people spent pinned under
32575 the tractor, I don't see how they managed to grow any crops
32576 whatsoever. They probably got by on federal crop supports, which
32577 Lassie filed the applications for.
32580 Last guys don't finish nice.
32581 -- Stanley Kelley, on the cult of victory at all costs
32583 "Last night, I came home and realized that everything in my apartment
32584 had been stolen and replaced with an exact duplicate. I told this to
32585 my friend -- he said, `Do I know you?'"
32588 Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up
32589 the pillow was gone.
32592 Last night I met upon the stair
32593 A little man who wasn't there.
32594 He wasn't there again today.
32595 Gee how I wish he'd go away!
32597 Last night the power went out. Good thing my camera had a flash....
32598 The neighbors thought it was lightning in my house, so they called the cops.
32601 "Last week a cop stopped me in my car. He asked me if I had a police
32602 record. I said, no, but I have the new DEVO album. Cops have no sense
32605 Last week's pet, this week's special.
32607 Last year we drove across the country... We switched on the driving...
32608 every half mile. We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip.
32609 I don't remember what it was.
32612 Last yeer I kudn't spel Engineer. Now I are won.
32614 Latin is a language,
32616 First it killed the Romans,
32617 And now it's killing me.
32619 Laugh, and the world ignores you. Crying doesn't help either.
32621 Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone.
32623 Laugh and the world thinks you're an idiot.
32625 Laugh at your problems; everybody else does.
32627 Laugh when you can; cry when you must.
32629 Laughing at you is like drop kicking a wounded humming bird.
32631 "Laughter is the closest distance between two people."
32635 No child throws up in the bathroom.
32637 Lavish spending can be disastrous.
32638 Don't buy any lavishes for a while.
32640 Law enforcement officers should use only the minimum
32641 force necessary in dealing with disorders when they arise.
32644 Law of Communications:
32645 The inevitable result of improved and enlarged communications
32646 between different levels in a hierarchy is a vastly increased area of
32650 Experiments should be reproducible.
32651 They should all fail the same way.
32653 Law of Probable Dispersal:
32654 Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly
32657 Law of Procrastination:
32658 Procrastination avoids boredom; one never has
32659 the feeling that there is nothing important to do.
32661 Law of Selective Gravity:
32662 An object will fall so as to do the most damage.
32664 Jenning's Corollary:
32665 The chance of the bread falling with the buttered side down is
32666 directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.
32669 He who hesitates is lunch.
32671 Law of the Perversity of Nature:
32672 You cannot successfully determine beforehand which side of the
32676 Only the lead dog gets a change of scenery.
32678 Law stands mute in the midst of arms.
32679 -- Marcus Tullius Cicero
32681 Lawful Dungeon Master -- and they're MY laws!
32683 Lawrence Radiation Laboratory keeps all its data in an old gray trunk.
32685 Laws are like sausages. It's better not to see them being made.
32686 -- Otto von Bismarck
32688 Laws of Computer Programming:
32689 1. Any given program, when running, is obsolete.
32690 2. Any given program costs more and takes longer.
32691 3. If a program is useful, it will have to be changed.
32692 4. If a program is useless, it will have to be documented.
32693 5. Any given program will expand to fill all available memory.
32694 6. The value of a program is proportional the weight of its output.
32695 7. Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capability of
32696 the programmer who must maintain it.
32698 Laws of Serendipity:
32700 (1) In order to discover anything, you must be looking for
32702 (2) If you wish to make an improved product, you must already
32703 be engaged in making an inferior one.
32706 A machine which you go into as a pig and come out as a sausage.
32710 When the law is against you, argue the facts.
32711 When the facts are against you, argue the law.
32712 When both are against you, call the other lawyer names.
32714 Lay off the muses, it's a very tough dollar.
32717 Lay on, MacDuff, and curs'd be him who first cries, "Hold, enough!".
32718 -- William Shakespeare
32720 Lays eggs inside a paper bag;
32721 The reason, you will see, no doubt,
32722 Is to keep the lightning out.
32723 But what these unobservant birds
32724 Have failed to notice is that herds
32725 Of bears may come with buns
32726 And steal the bags to hold the crumbs.
32728 Lazlo's Chinese Relativity Axiom:
32729 No matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your defeats --
32730 approximately one billion Chinese couldn't care less.
32733 Marrying a pregnant woman.
32735 Leadership involves finding a parade and getting in front of it; what
32736 is happening in America is that those parades are getting smaller and
32737 smaller -- and there are many more of them.
32738 -- John Naisbitt, "Megatrends"
32740 Learn from other people's mistakes, you don't have time to make your own.
32742 Learn to pause -- or nothing worthwhile can catch up to you.
32744 Learned men are the cisterns of knowledge, not the fountainheads.
32746 Learning at some schools is like drinking from a firehose.
32749 An astonishing new theory, discovered by management consultants
32750 in the 1970's, asserting that the more you do something the
32751 quicker you can do it.
32753 Learning French is trivial: the word for horse is cheval, and
32754 everything else follows in the same way.
32757 Learning without thought is labor lost;
32758 thought without learning is perilous.
32761 Leave no stone unturned.
32765 Mother said there would be days like this,
32766 but she never said that there'd be so many!
32768 Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
32770 Legalize free-enterprise murder: why should governments have all the
32773 Legislation proposed in the Illinois State Legislature, May, 1907:
32774 "Speed upon county roads will be limited to ten miles an hour
32775 unless the motorist sees a bailiff who does not appear to have had a
32776 drink in 30 days, when the driver will be permitted to make what he
32780 When hammering a nail, you will never hit your finger if you
32781 hold the hammer with both hands.
32783 Lemma: All horses are the same color.
32784 Proof (by induction):
32785 Case n = 1: In a set with only one horse, it is obvious that all
32786 horses in that set are the same color.
32787 Case n = k: Suppose you have a set of k+1 horses. Pull one of these
32788 horses out of the set, so that you have k horses. Suppose that all
32789 of these horses are the same color. Now put back the horse that you
32790 took out, and pull out a different one. Suppose that all of the k
32791 horses now in the set are the same color. Then the set of k+1 horses
32792 are all the same color. We have k true => k+1 true; therefore all
32793 horses are the same color.
32794 Theorem: All horses have an infinite number of legs.
32795 Proof (by intimidation):
32796 Everyone would agree that all horses have an even number of legs. It
32797 is also well-known that horses have forelegs in front and two legs in
32798 back. 4 + 2 = 6 legs, which is certainly an odd number of legs for a
32799 horse to have! Now the only number that is both even and odd is
32800 infinity; therefore all horses have an infinite number of legs.
32801 However, suppose that there is a horse somewhere that does not have an
32802 infinite number of legs. Well, that would be a horse of a different
32803 color; and by the Lemma, it doesn't exist.
32805 Lemmings don't grow older, they just die.
32807 Lend money to a bad debtor and he will hate you.
32809 Lensmen eat Jedi for breakfast.
32811 LEO (Jul. 23 to Aug. 22)
32812 Your presence, poise, charm and good looks won't even help you today.
32813 Look over your shoulder; an ugly person may be following you. Be on
32814 your toes. Brush your teeth. Take Geritol.
32816 LEO (July 23 - Aug 22)
32817 You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are
32818 pushy. Most Leo people are bullies. You are vain and dislike
32819 honest criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people
32822 LEO (July 23 - Aug 22)
32823 Your determination and sense of humor will come to the fore.
32824 Your ability to laugh at adversity will be a blessing because
32825 you've got a day coming you wouldn't believe. As a matter of
32826 fact, if you can laugh at what happens to you today, you've got
32827 a sick sense of humor.
32830 I didn't give up sex, I just gave up premature ejaculation.
32832 Let a fool hold his tongue and he will pass for a sage.
32835 Let he who takes the plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.
32837 Let He who taketh the Plunge Remember to return it by Tuesday.
32839 Let him choose out of my files, his projects to accomplish.
32840 -- William Shakespeare, "Coriolanus"
32842 "Let me assure you that to us here at First National, you're not just a
32843 number. You're two numbers, a dash, three more numbers, another dash
32844 and another number."
32847 Let me not to the marriage of true minds
32848 Admit impediments. Love is not love
32849 Which alters when it alteration finds,
32850 Or bends with the remover to remove:
32851 O, no! it is an ever-fixed mark,
32852 That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
32853 It is the star to every wandering bark,
32854 Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.
32855 Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
32856 Within his bending sickle's compass come;
32857 Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
32858 But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
32859 If this be error and upon me proved,
32860 I never writ, nor no man ever loved.
32862 Let me put it this way: today is going to be a learning experience.
32864 Let me take you a button-hole lower.
32865 -- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost"
32867 Let me tell you who the actual "front-runners" are. On one side, you have
32868 George Bush, who is currently going through a sort of fraternity hazing
32869 wherein he has to perform a series of humiliating stunts to win the approval
32870 of the Republican Right. For example, they had him make a speech oozing
32871 praise all over William Loeb, deceased publisher of the Manchester (N.H.)
32872 Union Leader and Slime Journalist. Loeb had dumped viciously all over George
32873 in the 1980 New Hampshire primary. But when the Right held a big tribute
32874 for Loeb, George came back to the fold, like a man with a bungee cord wrapped
32878 Let no guilty man escape.
32881 Let not the sands of time get in your lunch.
32883 Let others praise ancient times; I am glad I was born in these.
32884 -- Ovid (43 B.C. - A.D. 18)
32886 Let sleeping dogs lie.
32889 Let the machine do the dirty work.
32890 -- "Elements of Programming Style", Kernighan and Ritchie
32892 Let the meek inherit the earth -- they have it coming to them.
32895 Let the people think they govern and they will be governed.
32896 -- William Penn, founder of Pennsylvania
32898 Let the worthy citizens of Chicago get their liquor the best way
32899 they can. I'm sick of the job. It's a thankless one and full of grief.
32902 Let thy maid servant be faithful, strong, and homely.
32903 -- Benjamin Franklin
32905 Let us go then you and I
32906 while the night is laid out against the sky
32907 like a smear of mustard on an old pork pie.
32909 "Nice poem Tom. I have ideas for changes though, why not come over?"
32912 Let us go, through certain half-deserted streets,
32913 The muttering retreats
32914 Of restless nights in one-night cheap hotels
32915 And sawdust restaurants with oyster-shells:
32916 Streets that follow like a tedious argument
32917 Of insidious intent
32918 To lead you to an overwhelming question...
32919 Oh, do not ask, "What is it?"
32920 -- T. S. Eliot, "Love song of J. Alfred Prufrock"
32924 Let us share the deepest secrets of our souls!!!
32928 Let us never negotiate out of fear,
32929 but let us never fear to negotiate.
32932 Let us not look back in anger or forward
32933 in fear, but around us in awareness.
32936 Let us remember that ours is a nation of lawyers and order.
32938 Let us treat men and women well;
32939 Treat them as if they were real;
32941 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
32943 Let your conscience be your guide.
32947 [The state, that's me.]
32951 -- Gary Gilmore, to his firing squad
32953 Let's just be friends and make no special
32954 effort to ever see each other again.
32956 Let's just say that where a change was required, I adjusted. In every
32957 relationship that exists, people have to seek a way to survive. If you
32958 really care about the person, you do what's necessary, or that's the
32959 end. For the first time, I found that I really could change, and the
32960 qualities I most admired in myself I gave up. I stopped being loud and
32961 bossy ... Oh, all right. I was still loud and bossy, but only behind
32963 -- Kate Hepburn, on Tracy and Hepburn
32965 Let's love each other slowly,
32966 reaching for a plane,
32967 of exquisite pleasure,
32971 Let's not complicate our relationship
32972 by trying to communicate with each other.
32974 Let's organize this thing and take all the fun out of it.
32976 Let's remind ourselves that last year's fresh idea is today's cliche.
32979 Let's say your wedding ring falls into your toaster, and when you stick
32980 your hand in to retrieve it, you suffer Pain and Suffering as well as
32981 Mental Anguish. You would sue:
32983 * The toaster manufacturer, for failure to include, in the instructions
32984 section that says you should never never never ever stick you hand
32985 into the toaster, the statement "Not even if your wedding ring falls
32988 * The store where you bought the toaster, for selling it to an obvious
32989 cretin like yourself.
32991 * Union Carbide Corporation, which is not directly responsible in this
32992 case, but which is feeling so guilty that it would probably send you
32993 a large cash settlement anyway.
32996 Let's talk about how to fill out your 1984 tax return. Here's an often
32997 overlooked accounting technique that can save you thousands of
32998 dollars: For several days before you put it in the mail, carry your
32999 tax return around under your armpit. No IRS agent is going to want to
33000 spend hours poring over a sweat-stained document. So even if you owe
33001 money, you can put in for an enormous refund and the agent will
33002 probably give it to you, just to avoid an audit. What does he care?
33003 It's not his money.
33004 -- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes"
33006 LETTERS TO THE EDITOR (The Times of London)
33010 I am firmly opposed to the spread of microchips either to the home or
33011 to the office. We have more than enough of them foisted upon us in
33012 public places. They are a disgusting Americanism, and can only result
33013 in the farmers being forced to grow smaller potatoes, which in turn
33014 will cause massive unemployment in the already severely depressed
33015 agricultural industry.
33018 Capt. Quinton D'Arcy, J. P.
33022 Even if someone doesn't care what the world thinks
33023 about them, they always hope their mother doesn't find out.
33025 Leveraging always beats prototyping.
33027 Lewis's Law of Travel:
33028 The first piece of luggage out of the chute doesn't belong to
33031 L'hazard ne favorise que l'esprit prepare.
33035 A lawyer with a roving commission.
33036 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
33038 Liar: one who tells an unpleasant truth.
33042 Someone too poor to be a capitalist and too rich to be a communist.
33044 Liberals are the first to dump you if you con them or get into
33045 trouble. Conservatives are better. They never run out on you.
33046 -- Joseph "Crazy Joe" Gallo
33048 Liberty don't work as good in practice as it does in speeches.
33049 -- The Best of Will Rogers
33051 Liberty is always dangerous, but it is the safest thing we have.
33052 -- Harry Emerson Fosdick
33054 LIBRA (Sep. 23 to Oct. 22)
33055 Your desire for justice and truth will be overshadowed by your
33056 desire for filthy lucre and a decent meal. Be gracious and
33057 polite. Someone is watching you, so stop staring like that.
33059 LIBRA (Sept 23 - Oct 22)
33060 You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with
33061 reality. If you are a man, you are more than likely gay.
33062 Chances for employment and monetary gains are excellent. Most
33063 Libra women are prostitutes. All Libra people die of venereal
33066 LIBRA (Sept 23 - Oct 23)
33067 Major achievements, new friends, and a previously unexplored way
33068 to make a lot of money will come to a lot of people today, but
33069 unfortunately you won't be one of them. Consider not getting out
33073 A very poor substitute for the truth,
33074 but the only one discovered to date.
33077 A very poor substitute for the truth, but the only one
33078 discovered to date.
33081 Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
33084 Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter, cuz nobody listens.
33086 Lies! All lies! You're all lying against my boys!
33090 A whim of several billion cells to be you for a while.
33093 Learning about people the hard way -- by being one.
33096 That brief interlude between nothingness and eternity.
33098 Life -- Love It or Leave It.
33100 Life begins at the centerfold and expands outward.
33101 -- Miss November, 1966
33103 Life being what it is, one dreams of revenge.
33106 Life can be so tragic -- you're here today and here tomorrow.
33108 Life does not begin at the moment of conception or the moment of birth.
33109 It begins when the kids leave home and the dog dies.
33111 Life exists for no known purpose.
33113 Life in this society being, at best, an utter bore and no aspect of society
33114 being at all relevant to women, there remains to civic-minded responsible
33115 thrill-seeking females only to overthrow the government, eliminate the money
33116 system, institute complete automation and destroy the male sex.
33119 Life is a biochemical reaction to the stimulus of the surrounding
33120 environment in a stable ecosphere, while a bowl of cherries is a
33121 round container filled with little red fruits on sticks.
33123 Life is a concentration camp. You're stuck here and there's no way
33124 out and you can only rage impotently against your persecutors.
33127 Life is a gamble at terrible odds, if it was a bet you wouldn't take it.
33128 -- Tom Stoppard, "Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead"
33130 Life is a game. In order to have a game, something has to be more
33131 important than something else. If what already is, is more important
33132 than what isn't, the game is over. So, life is a game in which what
33133 isn't, is more important than what is. Let the good times roll.
33136 Life is a game of bridge -- and you've just been finessed.
33138 Life is a glorious cycle of song,
33139 A medley of extemporania;
33140 And love is thing that can never go wrong;
33141 And I am Marie of Roumania.
33142 -- Dorothy Parker, "Comment"
33144 Life is a grand adventure -- or it is nothing.
33147 Life is a healthy respect for mother nature laced with greed.
33149 Life is a hospital in which every patient is possessed by the desire to
33151 -- Charles Baudelaire
33153 Life is a series of rude awakenings.
33156 Life is a serious burden, which no thinking,
33157 humane person would wantonly inflict on someone else.
33160 Life is a sexually transferred disease with 100% mortality.
33162 Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while.
33164 Life is a yo-yo, and mankind ties knots in the string.
33166 Life is an exciting business, and most
33167 exciting when it is lived for others.
33169 Life is both difficult and time consuming.
33171 Life is cheap, but the accessories can kill you.
33173 Life is difficult because it is non-linear.
33175 Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.
33176 -- Woody Allen, "Annie Hall"
33178 Life is fraught with opportunities to keep your mouth shut.
33180 Life is just a bowl of cherries, but why do I always get the pits?
33182 Life is knowing how far to go without crossing the line.
33184 Life is like a 10 speed bicycle. Most of us have gears we never use.
33187 "Life is like a bowl of soup with hairs floating on it. You have to
33188 eat it nevertheless."
33191 "Life is like a buffet; it's not good but there's plenty of it."
33193 Life is like a diaper - short and loaded.
33195 Life is like a sewer.
33196 What you get out of it depends on what you put into it.
33199 Life is like a simile.
33201 Life is like a tin of sardines.
33202 We're, all of us, looking for the key.
33203 -- Beyond the Fringe
33205 Life is like an analogy.
33207 Life is like an egg stain on your chin --
33208 you can lick it, but it still won't go away.
33210 Life is like an onion: you peel it off
33211 one layer at a time, and sometimes you weep.
33214 Life is like an onion: you peel off layer after layer, then you find
33215 there is nothing in it.
33217 Life is like an onion: you peel off layer after
33218 layer and then you find there is nothing in it.
33221 Life is like arriving late for a movie, having to figure out what was
33222 going on without bothering everybody with a lot of questions, and then
33223 being unexpectedly called away before you find out how it ends.
33225 Life is like bein' on a mule team. Unless you're
33226 the lead mule, all the scenery looks about the same.
33228 Life is not for everyone.
33230 Life is one long struggle in the dark.
33231 -- Titus Lucretius Carus
33233 Life is the childhood of our immortality.
33234 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
33236 Life is the living you do,
33237 Death is the living you don't do.
33240 Life is the urge to ecstasy.
33242 Life is to you a dashing and bold adventure.
33244 "Life is too important to take seriously."
33247 Life is too short to be taken seriously.
33250 Life is too short to stuff a mushroom.
33253 Life is wasted on the living.
33254 -- Douglas Adams, "The Restaurant at the Edge of the Universe"
33256 Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans.
33257 -- John Lennon, "Beautiful Boy"
33259 Life, like beer, is merely borrowed.
33262 "Life, loathe it or ignore it, you can't like it."
33263 -- Marvin, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
33265 "Life may have no meaning -- or even worse, it may have a meaning of
33266 which I disapprove."
33268 Life may have no meaning, or, even worse,
33269 it may have a meaning of which you disapprove.
33271 Life only demands from you the strength you possess.
33272 Only one feat is possible -- not to have run away.
33273 -- Dag Hammarskjold
33275 Life Sucks. Cynical, misanthropic male, 34, looking for soul mate but
33276 certain not to find her. Drop me a note. I'll call you, we'll talk and
33277 I'll ask you out to dinner where I'll probably spend more than I can
33278 afford in a feeble attempt to impress you. Then we'll realize we have
33279 absolutely nothing in common and we'll go our separate ways, more
33280 embittered and depressed than before (if such a thing is possible).
33282 Life sucks, but death doesn't put out at all.
33285 "Life to you is a bold and dashing responsibility"
33286 -- a Mary Chung's fortune cookie
33288 Life without caffeine is stimulating enough.
33291 Life would be much simpler and things would get done much faster if it
33292 weren't for other people.
33295 Life would be so much easier if we could just look at the source code.
33298 Life would be tolerable but for its amusements.
33299 -- George Bernard Shaw
33301 Life's too short to dance with ugly women.
33303 Lift every voice and sing
33304 Till earth and heaven ring,
33305 Ring with the harmonies of Liberty;
33306 Let our rejoicing rise
33307 High as the listening skies,
33308 Let it resound loud as the rolling sea.
33310 Sing a song full of the faith that the dark past has taught us.
33311 Sing a song full of the hope that the present has bought us.
33312 Facing the rising sun of our new day begun,
33313 Let us march on till victory is won.
33314 -- James Weldon Johnson
33316 Lighten up, while you still can,
33317 Don't even try to understand,
33318 Just find a place to make your stand,
33320 -- The Eagles, "Take It Easy"
33323 A tall building on the seashore in which the government
33324 maintains a lamp and the friend of a politician.
33327 When being alive at the same time is a wonderful coincidence.
33329 Like all young men, you greatly exaggerate
33330 the difference between one young woman and another.
33331 -- George Bernard Shaw, "Major Barbara"
33333 Like an expensive sports car, fine-tuned and well-built, Portia was sleek,
33334 shapely, and gorgeous, her red jumpsuit moulding her body, which was as warm
33335 as seatcovers in July, her hair as dark as new tires, her eyes flashing like
33336 bright hubcaps, and her lips as dewy as the beads of fresh rain on the hood;
33337 she was a woman driven -- fueled by a single accelerant -- and she needed a
33338 man, a man who wouldn't shift from his views, a man to steer her along the
33339 right road: a man like Alf Romeo.
33340 -- Rachel Sheeley, winner
33342 The hair ball blocking the drain of the shower reminded Laura she would never
33343 see her little dog Pritzi again.
33344 -- Claudia Fields, runner-up
33346 It could have been an organically based disturbance of the brain -- perhaps a
33347 tumor or a metabolic deficiency -- but after a thorough neurological exam it
33348 was determined that Byron was simply a jerk.
33349 -- Jeff Jahnke, runner-up
33351 Winners in the 7th Annual Bulwer-Lytton Bad Writing Contest. The contest is
33352 named after the author of the immortal lines: "It was a dark and stormy
33353 night." The object of the contest is to write the opening sentence of the
33354 worst possible novel.
33356 Like corn in a field I cut you down,
33357 I threw the last punch way too hard,
33358 After years of going steady, well, I thought it was time,
33359 To throw in my hand for a new set of cards.
33360 And I can't take you dancing out on the weekend,
33361 I figured we'd painted too much of this town,
33362 And I tried not to look as I walked to my wagon,
33363 And I knew then I had lost what should have been found,
33364 I knew then I had lost what should have been found.
33365 And I feel like a bullet in the gun of Robert Ford
33366 I'm as low as a paid assassin is
33367 You know I'm cold as a hired sword.
33368 I'm so ashamed we can't patch it up,
33369 You know I can't think straight no more
33370 You make me feel like a bullet, honey,
33371 a bullet in the gun of Robert Ford.
33372 -- Elton John "I Feel Like a Bullet"
33374 Like I said, love wouldn't be so blind if the braille
33375 weren't so damned great!
33376 -- Armistead Maupin
33378 Like, if I'm not for me, then fer shure, like who will be? And if, y'know,
33379 if I'm not like fer anyone else, then hey, I mean, what am I? And if not
33380 now, like I dunno, maybe like when? And if not Who, then I dunno, maybe
33381 like the Rolling Stones?
33382 -- Rich Rosen (Rabbi Valiel's paraphrase of famous quote
33383 attributed to Rabbi Hillel.)
33385 Like my parents, I have never been a regular church member or churchgoer.
33386 It doesn't seem plausible to me that there is the kind of God who watches
33387 over human affairs, listens to prayers, and tries to guide people to follow
33388 His precepts -- there is just too much misery and cruelty for that. On the
33389 other hand, I respect and envy the people who get inspiration from their
33393 Like punning, programming is a play on words.
33395 Like so many Americans, she was trying to construct a life that made
33396 sense from things she found in gift shops.
33397 -- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.
33399 Like the ski resort of girls looking for husbands and husbands looking
33400 for girls, the situation is not as symmetrical as it might seem.
33403 Like the time I ran away...
33404 And turned around and you were standing close to me.
33405 -- YES, "Going For The One/Awaken"
33407 Like winter snow on summer lawn, time past is time gone.
33409 Like ya know? Rock 'N Roll is an esoteric language that unlocks the
33410 creativity chambers in people's brains, and like totally activates their
33411 essential hipness, which of course is like totally necessary for saving
33412 the earth, like because the first thing in saving this world, is getting
33413 rid of stupid and square attitudes and having fun.
33414 -- Senior Year Quote
33416 Like you, I am frequently haunted by profound questions related to man's
33417 place in the Scheme of Things. Here are just a few:
33419 Q -- Is there life after death?
33420 A -- Definitely. I speak from personal experience here. On New
33421 Year's Eve, 1970, I drank a full pitcher of a drink called "Black Russian",
33422 then crawled out on the lawn and died within a matter of minutes, which was
33423 fine with me because I had come to realize that if I had lived I would have
33424 spent the rest of my life in the grip of the most excruciatingly painful
33425 headache. Thanks to the miracle of modern orange juice, I was brought back
33426 to life several days later, but in the interim I was definitely dead. I
33427 guess my main impression of the afterlife is that it isn't so bad as long
33428 as you keep the television turned down and don't try to eat any solid foods.
33431 Likewise, the national appetizer, brine-cured herring with raw onions,
33432 wins few friends, Germans excepted.
33433 -- Darwin Porter, "Scandinavia On $50 A Day"
33435 Limericks are art forms complex,
33436 Their topics run chiefly to sex.
33437 They usually have virgins,
33438 And masculine urgin's,
33439 And other erotic effects.
33441 Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
33442 Kennedy exactly one hundred years later in 1946.
33444 Lincoln was elected president in November 1860.
33445 Kennedy in November 1960.
33447 Lincoln had a secretary named Kennedy who urged him not to go to
33449 Kennedy had a secretary named Lincoln who advised against his going
33452 Booth shot Lincoln in a theatre and ran off into a warehouse.
33453 Oswald shot Kennedy from a warehouse and ran off into a theatre.
33455 Lincoln was succeeded by a Southerner named Johnson.
33456 Kennedy was succeeded by a Southerner named Johnson.
33458 The first Johnson was born in 1808.
33459 The second Johnson was born in 1908.
33461 -- Alistair Cooke, "Letter From America", 26nov2001
33463 Line Printer paper is strongest at the perforations.
33465 "Lines that are parallel meet at Infinity!"
33466 Euclid repeatedly, heatedly, urged.
33468 Until he died, and so reached that vicinity:
33469 in it he found that the damned things diverged.
33472 Linus: Hi! I thought it was you.
33473 I've been watching you from way off... You're looking great!
33474 Snoopy: That's nice to know.
33475 The secret of life is to look good at a distance.
33477 Linus: I guess it's wrong always to be worrying about tomorrow. Maybe
33478 we should think only about today.
33480 No, that's giving up. I'm still hoping that yesterday will get
33484 There is no heavier burden than a great potential.
33486 Lions in the street and roaming,
33487 Dogs in heat, rabid, foaming,
33488 A beast caged in the heart of the city.
33489 The body of his mother lying in the summer ground,
33491 Went down south across the border,
33492 Left the chaos and disorder
33493 Back there, over his shoulder.
33494 One morning he awoke in a green hotel,
33495 A strange creature groaning beside him.
33496 Sweat oozed from its shiny skin.
33497 Is everybody in? The ceremony is about to begin.
33498 -- Jim Morrison, "Celebration of the Lizard"
33501 To call a spade a thpade.
33503 Lisp, Lisp, Lisp Machine,
33504 Lisp Machine is Fun.
33505 Lisp, Lisp, Lisp Machine,
33509 Due to the holiday next Monday, there will be no garbage collection.
33511 Listen, there is no courage or any extra courage that I know of to find out
33512 the right thing to do. Now, it is not only necessary to do the right thing,
33513 but to do it in the right way and the only problem you have is what is the
33514 right thing to do and what is the right way to do it. That is the problem.
33515 But this economy of ours is not so simple that it obeys to the opinion of
33516 bias or the pronouncements of any particular individual, even to the President.
33517 This is an economy that is made up of 173 million people, and it reflects
33518 their desires, they're ready to buy, they're ready to spend, it is a thing
33519 that is too complex and too big to be affected adversely or advantageously
33520 just by a few words or any particular -- say, a little this and that, or even
33521 a panacea so alleged.
33522 -- Dwight D. Eisenhower, in response to: "Has the government
33523 been lacking in courage and boldness in facing up to
33526 Literature is mostly about having sex and not much about having children.
33527 Life is the other way around.
33530 Literature is mostly about sex and not much about having children and life
33531 is the other way round.
33532 -- David Lodge, "The British Museum is Falling Down"
33535 -- Ronald Macdonald
33538 Thy summer's play If thought is life
33539 My thoughtless hand And strength & breath,
33540 Has brush'd away. And the want
33541 Of thought is death,
33543 A fly like thee? Then am I
33544 Or art not thou A happy fly
33545 A man like me? If I live
33550 Till some blind hand
33551 Shall brush my wing.
33552 -- William Blake, "The Fly"
33554 Little girls, like butterflies, need no excuse.
33557 Little known fact about Middle Earth: The Hobbits had a very
33558 sophisticated computer network! It was a Tolkien Ring...
33560 Little Known Facts, #23:
33561 Did you know... that if you dial 911 in Los Angeles you get
33562 the BMW repair garage?
33564 Little Mary on the ice,
33565 Went out to have a frisk,
33566 Now wasn't little Mary nice,
33569 Live fast, die young, and leave a flat patch of fur on the highway!
33570 -- The Squirrels' Motto (The "Hell's Angels of Nature")
33572 Live fast, die young, and leave a good looking corpse.
33575 Live from New York ... It's Saturday Night!
33577 Live in a world of your own, but always welcome visitors.
33579 Live never to be ashamed if anything you do or say is
33580 published around the world -- even if what is published is not true.
33581 -- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul
33583 Live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so.
33586 Living here in Rio, I have lots of coffees to choose from. And when
33587 you're on the lam like me, you appreciate a good cup of coffee.
33588 -- "Great Train Robber" Ronald Biggs' coffee commercial
33590 Living in California is like living in a bowl of granola.
33591 What ain't flakes and nuts is fruits.
33593 Living in LA is like not having a date on Saturday night.
33596 Living in New York City gives people real incentives
33597 to want things that nobody else wants.
33600 Living in the complex world of the future is somewhat
33601 like having bees live in your head. But, there they are.
33603 Living on Earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free trip
33607 A task so difficult, it has never been attempted before.
33609 Living your life is a task so difficult, it has never been attempted
33612 Lizzie Borden took an axe,
33613 And plunged it deep into the VAX;
33614 Don't you envy people who
33615 Do all the things ___
\b\b\bYOU want to do?
33617 Lo! Men have become the tool of their tools.
33618 -- Henry David Thoreau
33620 Loan-department manager: "There isn't any fine print. At these
33621 interest rates, we don't need it."
33624 Everyone loves these delectable crustaceans, but many cooks are
33625 squeamish about placing them into boiling water alive, which is the
33626 only proper method of preparing them. Frankly, the easiest way to
33627 eliminate your guilt is to establish theirs by putting them on trial
33628 before they're cooked. The fact is, lobsters are among the most
33629 ferocious predators on the sea floor, and you're helping reduce crime
33630 in the reefs. Grasp the lobster behind the head, look it right in its
33631 unmistakably guilty eyestalks and say, "Where were you on the night of
33632 the 21st?", then flourish a picture of a scallop or a sole and shout,
33633 "Perhaps this will refresh that crude neural apparatus you call a
33634 memory!" The lobster will squirm noticeably. It may even take a swipe
33635 at you with one of its claws. Incorrigible. Pop it into the pot.
33636 Justice has been served, and shortly you and your friends will be,
33638 -- Dave Barry, "Cooking: The Art of Using Appliances and
33639 Utensils into Excuses and Apologies"
33641 Lockwood's Long Shot:
33642 The chances of getting eaten up by a lion on Main Street aren't
33643 one in a million, but once would be enough.
33645 Logic doesn't apply to the real world.
33648 Logic is a little bird, sitting in a tree; that smells *_____
\b\b\b\b\bawful*.
33650 Logic is a pretty flower that smells bad.
33652 Logic is a systematic method of coming
33653 to the wrong conclusion with confidence.
33655 Logic is the chastity belt of the mind!
33657 Logicians have but ill defined
33658 As rational the human kind.
33659 Logic, they say, belongs to man,
33660 But let them prove it if they can.
33661 -- Oliver Goldsmith
33665 LOGO for the Dead lets you continue your computing activities from
33668 The package includes a unique telecommunications feature which lets you
33669 turn your TRS-80 into an electronic Ouija board. Then, using Logo's
33670 graphics capabilities, you can work with a friend or relative on this
33671 side of the Great Beyond to write programs. The software requires that
33672 your body be hardwired to an analog-to-digital converter, which is then
33673 interfaced to your computer. A special terminal (very terminal) program
33674 lets you talk with the users through Deadnet, an EBBS (Ectoplasmic
33675 Bulletin Board System).
33677 LOGO for the Dead is available for 10 percent of your estate
33678 from NecroSoft inc., 6502 Charnelhouse Blvd., Cleveland, OH 44101.
33679 -- '80 Microcomputing
33681 Loneliness is a terrible price to pay for independence.
33683 Lonely is a man without love.
33684 -- Engelbert Humperdinck
33686 Lonely men seek companionship.
33687 Lonely women sit at home and wait. They never meet.
33694 Like to meet new and interesting people?
33696 JUST SCREW-UP ONE MORE TIME!!!!!!!
33698 Long ago I proposed that unsuccessful candidates for the Presidency
33699 be quietly hanged, as a matter of public sanitation and decorum.
33700 The sight of their grief must have a very evil effect upon the young.
33701 -- H. L. Mencken, "A Carnival of Buncombe"
33703 Long computations which yield zero are probably all for naught.
33705 Long life is in store for you.
33707 Long were the days of pain I have spent within its walls, and
33708 long were the nights of aloneness; and who can depart from his
33709 pain and his aloneness without regret?
33710 -- Kahlil Gibran, "The Prophet"
33712 Look! Before our very eyes, the future is becoming the past.
33714 Look afar and see the end from the beginning.
33716 Look at it this way:
33717 Your daughter just named the fresh turkey you brought
33718 home "Cuddles", so you're going out to buy a canned ham.
33719 And you're still drinking ordinary scotch?
33721 Look at it this way:
33722 Your wife's spending $280 a month on meditation lessons to
33723 forget $26,000 of college education.
33724 And you're still drinking ordinary scotch?
33726 Look before you leap.
33732 Look out! Behind you!
\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a
33734 Look, we play the Star Spangled Banner before every game. You want us
33735 to pay income taxes, too?
33736 -- Bill Veeck, Chicago White Sox
33738 Look, we trade every day out there with hustlers, deal-makers, shysters,
33739 con-men. That's the way businesses get started. That's the way this
33743 Lookie, lookie, here comes cookie...
33744 -- Stephen Sondheim
33746 Loose bits sink chips.
33748 Lord, defend me from my friends; I can account for my enemies.
33749 -- Charles D'Hericault
33751 Lord, what fools these mortals be!
33752 -- William Shakespeare, "A Midsummer-Night's Dream"
33754 Losing your drivers' license is just God's way of saying
33757 Lost: gray and white female cat.
33758 Answers to electric can opener.
33760 Lost interest? It's so bad I've lost apathy.
33762 Lots of folks are forced to skimp to support a government that won't.
33764 Lots of folks confuse bad management with destiny.
33767 Lots of girls can be had for a song.
33768 Unfortunately, it often turns out to be the wedding march.
33770 Loud burping while walking around the airport is prohibited in
33773 Louie Louie, me gotta go
33774 Louie Louie, me gotta go
33776 Fine little girl she waits for me
33777 Me catch the ship for cross the sea
33778 Me sail the ship all alone Three nights and days me sail the sea
33779 Me never thinks me make it home Me think of girl constantly
33780 (chorus) On the ship I dream she there
33781 I smell the rose in her hair
33782 Me see Jamaica moon above (chorus, guitar solo)
33783 It won't be long, me see my love
33784 I take her in my arms and then
33785 Me tell her I never leave again
33786 -- The real words to The Kingsmen's classic "Louie Louie"
33789 I'll let you play with my life if you'll let me play with yours.
33792 Love ties in a knot in the end of the rope.
33795 When, if asked to choose between your lover
33796 and happiness, you'd skip happiness in a heartbeat.
33799 When it's growing, you don't mind watering it with a few tears.
33802 When you don't want someone too close--
33803 because you're very sensitive to pleasure.
33806 When you like to think of someone on days that begin with a morning.
33808 Love -- the last of the serious diseases of childhood.
33810 Love ain't nothin' but sex misspelled.
33812 Love America - or give it back.
33814 Love and scandal are the best sweeteners of tea.
33816 Love at first sight is one of the greatest labor-saving devices the
33817 world has ever seen.
33819 Love cannot be much younger than the lust for murder.
33822 Love conquers all things; let us too surrender to love.
33823 -- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil)
33825 Love in your heart wasn't put there to stay.
33826 Love isn't love 'til you give it away.
33827 -- Oscar Hammerstein II
33829 Love is a grave mental disease.
33832 Love is a slippery eel that bites like hell.
33835 "Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it
33836 flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come."
33837 -- Matt Groening, "Love is Hell"
33839 Love is a word that is constantly heard,
33840 Hate is a word that is not.
33841 Love, I am told, is more precious than gold.
33842 Love, I have read, is hot.
33843 But hate is the verb that to me is superb,
33844 And Love but a drug on the mart.
33845 Any kiddie in school can love like a fool,
33846 But Hating, my boy, is an Art.
33849 Love is always open arms. With arms open you allow love to come and
33850 go as it wills, freely, for it will do so anyway. If you close your
33851 arms about love you'll find you are left only holding yourself.
33853 "Love is an ideal thing, marriage a real thing; a confusion of the real
33854 with the ideal never goes unpunished."
33855 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
33857 Love is an obsessive delusion that is cured by marriage.
33860 Love is being stupid together.
33863 Love is dope, not chicken soup. I mean, love is something to be passed
33864 around freely, not spooned down someone's throat for their own good by a
33865 Jewish mother who cooked it all by herself.
33867 Love is in the offing.
33868 -- The Homicidal Maniac
33870 Love is in the offing. Be affectionate to one who adores you.
33872 Love is like a friendship caught on fire. In the beginning a flame, very
33873 pretty, often hot and fierce, but still only light and flickering. As love
33874 grows older, our hearts mature and our love becomes as coals, deep-burning
33878 Love is like the measles; we all have to go through it.
33879 -- Jerome K. Jerome
33881 Love is never asking why?
33883 Love is not enough, but it sure helps.
33885 Love is sentimental measles.
33887 Love is staying up all night with a sick child, or a healthy adult.
33889 Love is the answer; but while you are waiting for the answer, sex
33890 raises some pretty good questions.
33893 Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.
33896 Love is the desire to prostitute oneself. There is, indeed, no exalted
33897 pleasure that cannot be related to prostitution.
33898 -- Charles Baudelaire
33900 Love is the only game that is not called on account of darkness.
33903 Love is the process of my leading you gently back to yourself.
33904 -- Antoine de Saint-Exupery
33906 Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
33909 Love IS what it's cracked up to be.
33911 Love is what you've been through with somebody.
33914 Love isn't only blind, it's also deaf, dumb, and stupid.
33916 Love makes fools, marriage cuckolds, and patriotism malevolent imbeciles.
33917 -- Paul Leautaud, "Passe-temps"
33919 Love makes the world go 'round, with a little help from intrinsic angular
33922 Love may laugh at locksmiths, but he has a profound respect for money bags.
33923 -- Sidney Paternoster, "The Folly of the Wise"
33925 Love means having to say you're sorry every five minutes.
33927 Love means never having to say you're sorry.
33928 -- Eric Segal, "Love Story"
33930 That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard.
33931 -- Ryan O'Neill, "What's Up Doc?"
33933 Love means nothing to a tennis player.
33935 Love tells us many things that are not so.
33936 -- Krainian proverb
33938 Love the sea? I dote upon it -- from the beach.
33940 Love thy neighbor as thyself, but choose your neighborhood.
33943 Love thy neighbor, tune thy piano.
33945 Love to eat them mousies,
33946 Mousies I love to eat.
33947 Bite they little heads off,
33948 Nibble at they tiny feet.
33951 Love to eat them mousies,
33952 Mousies what I love to eat.
33953 Bite they little heads off,
33954 Nibble on they tiny feet.
33957 Love to eat them mousies;
33958 Mousies what I love to eat.
33959 Bite they tiny heads off,
33960 Nibble on they tiny feet!
33963 Love, which is quickly kindled in a gentle heart,
33964 seized this one for the fair form
33965 that was taken from me-and the way of it afflicts me still.
33966 Love, which absolves no loved one from loving,
33967 seized me so strongly with delight in him,
33968 that, as you see, it does not leave me even now.
33969 Love brought us to one death.
33970 -- La Divina Commedia: Inferno V, vv. 100-06
33972 Love your enemies: they'll go crazy trying to figure out what you're up
33975 Love your neighbour, yet don't pull down your hedge.
33976 -- Benjamin Franklin
33979 If it jams -- force it.
33980 If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.
33982 LSD melts in your mind, not in your hand.
33984 Lubarsky's Law of Cybernetic Entomology:
33985 There's always one more bug.
33987 Lucas is the source of many of the components of the legendarily reliable
33988 British automotive electrical systems. Professionals call the company "The
33989 Prince of Darkness". Of course, if Lucas were to design and manufacture
33990 nuclear weapons, World War III would never get off the ground. The British
33991 don't like warm beer any more than the Americans do. The British drink warm
33992 beer because they have Lucas refrigerators.
33994 Luck can't last a lifetime, unless you die young.
33997 Luck, that's when preparation and opportunity meet.
34001 When you have a wife and a cigarette
34002 lighter -- both of which work.
34004 Lucky is he for whom the belle toils.
34006 Lucy: Dance, dance, dance. That is all you ever do.
34007 Can't you be serious for once?
34008 Snoopy: She is right! I think I had better think
34009 of the more important things in life!
34013 Luke, I'm yer father, eh. Come over to the dark side, you hoser.
34014 -- Dave Thomas, "Strange Brew"
34016 Lunatic Asylum, n.:
34017 The place where optimism most flourishes.
34019 Lying is an indispensable part of making life tolerable.
34022 Lysistrata had a good idea.
34024 Ma Bell is a mean mother!
34026 MAC user's dynamic debugging list evaluator? Never heard of that.
34028 "MacDonald has the gift on compressing the largest amount of words into
34029 the smallest amount of thoughts."
34030 -- Winston Churchill
34032 "Mach was the greatest intellectual fraud in the last ten years."
34034 "I said `intellectual'."
34037 Machine-Independent, adj.:
34038 Does not run on any existing machine.
34040 Machine-independent program:
34041 A program that will not run on any machine.
34043 Machines certainly can solve problems, store information, correlate,
34044 and play games -- but not with pleasure.
34047 Machines have less problems. I'd like to be a machine.
34050 Machines that have broken down will work perfectly when the
34054 Jogging home from your vasectomy.
34056 Macho does not prove mucho.
34060 Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence.
34063 Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence ...
34064 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
34066 Madam, there's no such thing as a tough child -- if you parboil them
34067 first for seven hours, they always come out tender.
34071 If you have to travel on the Titanic, why not go first class?
34073 Madness takes its toll.
34076 [Acronym for Mechanized Applications in Forced Insurance
34077 Accounting.] An extensive network with many on-line and offshore
34078 subsystems running under OS, DOS, and IOS. MAFIA documentation is
34079 rather scanty, and the MAFIA sales office exhibits that testy
34080 reluctance to bona fide inquiries which is the hallmark of so many DP
34081 operations. From the little that has seeped out, it would appear that
34082 MAFIA operates under a non-standard protocol, OMERTA, a tight-lipped
34083 variant of SNA, in which extended handshakes also perform complex
34084 security functions. The known timesharing aspects of MAFIA point to a
34085 more than usually autocratic operating system. Screen prompts carry an
34086 imperative, nonrefusable weighting (most menus offer simple YES/YES
34087 options, defaulting to YES) that precludes indifference or delay.
34088 Uniquely, all editing under MAFIA is performed centrally, using a
34089 powerful rubout feature capable of erasing files, filors, filees, and
34090 entire nodal aggravations.
34091 -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
34093 Magary's Principle:
34094 When there is a public outcry to cut deadwood and fat from any
34095 government bureaucracy, it is the deadwood and the fat that do
34096 the cutting, and the public's services are cut.
34098 Magic is always the best solution -- especially reliable magic.
34100 Magnet, n.: Something acted upon by magnetism.
34102 Magnetism, n.: Something acting upon a magnet.
34104 The two preceding definitions are condensed from the works of one
34105 thousand eminent scientists, who have illuminated the subject with a
34106 great white light, to the inexpressible advancement of human knowledge.
34108 Magnet, n.: Something acted upon by magnetism.
34110 Magnetism, n.: Something acting upon a magnet.
34112 The two definitions immediately foregoing are condensed from the works
34113 of one thousand eminent scientists, who have illuminated the subject
34114 with a great white light, to the inexpressible advancement of human
34116 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
34119 Any automobile that, when left unattended, attracts shopping carts.
34120 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
34123 Any automobile that, when left unattended, attracts shopping
34125 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
34128 A bird whose thievish disposition suggested
34129 to someone that it might be taught to talk.
34133 A bird whose thievish disposition suggested to someone that it
34134 might be taught to talk.
34135 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
34138 A girl who never had the sense to say "uncle."
34141 A young person of the unfair sex addicted to clewless conduct and
34142 views that madden to crime. The genus has a wide geographical
34143 distribution, being found wherever sought and deplored wherever found.
34144 The maiden is not altogether unpleasing to the eye, nor (without her
34145 piano and her views) insupportable to the ear, though in respect to
34146 comeliness distinctly inferior to the rainbow, and, with regard to
34147 the part of her that is audible, beaten out of the field by the
34148 canary -- which, also, is more portable.
34151 A member of the unconsidered, or negligible sex. The male of the
34152 human race is commonly known to the female as Mere Man. The genus
34153 has two varieties: good providers and bad providers.
34157 If the facts do not conform to the theory, they must be disposed
34159 -- N. R. Maier, "American Psychologist", March 1960
34162 (1) The bigger the theory, the better.
34163 (2) The experiment may be considered a success if no more than
34164 50% of the observed measurements must be discarded to
34165 obtain a correspondence with the theory.
34168 For every action there is an equal and opposite government
34171 Maintainer's Motto:
34172 If we can't fix it, it ain't broke.
34174 Maj. Bloodnok: Seagoon, you're a coward!
34175 Seagoon: Only in the holiday season.
34176 Maj. Bloodnok: Ah, another Noel Coward!
34179 Sixty men can do sixty times as much work as one man.
34181 A man can dig a posthole in sixty seconds.
34183 Sixty men can dig a posthole in one second.
34185 Secondary Conclusion:
34186 Do you realize how many holes there would be if people
34187 would just take the time to take the dirt out of them?
34189 Major Premise: Sixty men can do a piece of work sixty times as quickly
34192 Minor Premise: One man can dig a posthole in sixty seconds.
34194 Conclusion: Sixty men can dig a posthole in one second.
34195 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
34197 Majorities, of course, start with minorities.
34201 That quality that distinguishes a crime from a law.
34203 Make a wish, it might come true.
34205 Make headway at work. Continue to let things deteriorate at home.
34207 Make it myself? But I'm a physical organic chemist!
34209 Make it right before you make it faster.
34211 Make no little plans; they have no magic to stir men's blood.
34212 -- Daniel Hudson Burnham
34214 Make sure your code does nothing gracefully.
34216 Make war not sex. (It's safer.)
34218 Making files is easy under the UNIX operating system. Therefore, users
34219 tend to create numerous files using large amounts of file space. It
34220 has been said that the only standard thing about all UNIX systems is
34221 the message-of-the-day telling users to clean up their files.
34222 -- System V.2 administrator's guide
34225 Any simple idea will be worded in the most complicated way.
34228 The reason surgeons wear masks.
34231 An animal so lost in rapturous contemplation of what he thinks he
34232 is as to overlook what he indubitably ought to be. His chief
34233 occupation is extermination of other animals and his own species,
34234 which, however, multiplies with such insistent rapidity as to infest
34235 the whole habitable earth and Canada.
34238 Man 1: Ask me. "What is the most important thing about telling a good
34241 Man 2: OK, what is the most impo --
34243 Man 1: ______
\b\b\b\b\b\bTIMING!
34245 Man and wife make one fool.
34247 Man belongs wherever he wants to go.
34248 -- Wernher von Braun
34250 Man has always assumed that he is more intelligent than dolphins because
34251 he has achieved so much -- the wheel, New York, wars and so on -- while
34252 all the dolphins had ever done was muck about in the water having a good
34253 time. But, conversely, the dolphins had always believed that they were
34254 far more intelligent than man -- for precisely the same reasons.
34255 -- Douglas Adams, "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
34257 Man has made his bedlam; let him lie in it.
34260 Man has never reconciled himself to the ten commandments.
34262 "Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain."
34265 Man is a military animal,
34266 Glories in gunpowder, and loves parade.
34269 Man is a rational animal who always loses his temper when he is called
34270 upon to act in accordance with the dictates of reason.
34273 Man is an animal that makes bargains: no other animal does this--
34274 no dog exchanges bones with another.
34277 Man is by nature a political animal.
34280 Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft ... and the
34281 only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.
34282 -- Wernher von Braun
34284 Man is the measure of all things.
34287 Man is the only animal that blushes -- or needs to.
34290 Man is the only animal that can remain on friendly terms with the
34291 victims he intends to eat until he eats them.
34292 -- Samuel Butler (1835-1902)
34294 Man is the only animal that laughs and weeps;
34295 for he is the only animal that is struck with the
34296 difference between what things are and what they ought to be.
34299 Man must shape his tools lest they shape him.
34300 -- Arthur R. Miller
34303 An animal so lost in rapturous contemplation of what he thinks
34304 he is as to overlook what he indubitably ought to be. His chief
34305 occupation is extermination of other animals and his own species, which,
34306 however, multiplies with such insistent rapidity as to infest the whole
34307 habitable earth and Canada.
34308 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
34310 Man proposes, God disposes.
34313 Man usually avoids attributing cleverness to somebody else -- unless it
34317 Man who arrives at party two hours late
34318 will find he has been beaten to the punch.
34320 Man who falls in blast furnace is certain to feel overwrought.
34322 Man who falls in vat of molten optical glass makes spectacle of self.
34324 Man who sleep in beer keg wake up sticky.
34326 Man will never fly.
34327 Space travel is merely a dream.
34328 All aspirin is alike.
34330 Management: How many feet do mice have?
34331 Reply: Mice have four feet.
34333 R: Mice have five appendages, and four of them are feet.
34334 M: No discussion of fifth appendage!
34335 R: Mice have five appendages; four of them are feet; one is a tail.
34336 M: What? Feet with no legs?
34337 R: Mice have four legs, four feet, and one tail per unit-mouse.
34338 M: Confusing -- is that a total of 9 appendages?
34339 R: Mice have four leg-foot assemblies and one tail assembly per body.
34340 M: Does not fully discuss the issue!
34341 R: Each mouse comes equipped with four legs and a tail. Each leg
34342 is equipped with a foot at the end opposite the body; the tail
34343 is not equipped with a foot.
34344 M: Descriptive? Yes. Forceful NO!
34345 R: Allotment of appendages for mice will be: Four foot-leg assemblies,
34346 one tail. Deviation from this policy is not permitted as it would
34347 constitute misapportionment of scarce appendage assets.
34348 M: Too authoritarian; stifles creativity!
34349 R: Mice have four feet; each foot is attached to a small leg joined
34350 integrally with the overall mouse structural sub-system. Also
34351 attached to the mouse sub-system is a thin tail, non-functional and
34352 ornamental in nature.
34353 M: Too verbose/scientific. Answer the question!
34354 R: Mice have four feet.
34357 The art of getting other people to do all the work.
34360 A man known for giving great meeting.
34362 Mandrell: "You know what I think?"
34363 Doctor: "Ah, ah that's a catch question. With a brain your size you
34364 don't think, right?"
34368 A sexist, obsolete measure of macho effort, equal to 60 Kiplings.
34371 Easy glum, easy glow.
34373 Mankind is poised midway between the gods and the beasts.
34376 Mankind's yearning to engage in sports is older than recorded history,
34377 dating back to the time millions of years ago, when the first primitive
34378 man picked up a crude club and a round rock, tossed the rock into the
34379 air, and whomped the club into the sloping forehead of the first
34382 What inner force drove this first athlete? Your guess is as good as
34383 mine. Better, probably, because you haven't had four beers.
34384 -- Dave Barry, "Sports is a Drag"
34387 Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion
34390 Man's horizons are bounded by his vision.
34392 Man's reach must exceed his grasp, for why else the heavens?
34394 Man's unique agony as a species consists in his perpetual
34395 conflict between the desire to stand out and the need to blend in.
34396 -- Sydney J. Harris
34399 A unit of documentation. There are always three or more on a
34400 given item. One is on the shelf; someone has the others. The
34401 information you need is in the others.
34404 Many a bum show has been saved by the flag.
34407 Many a family tree needs trimming.
34409 Many a long dispute between divines may thus be abridged: It is so. It
34410 is not so. It is so. It is not so.
34411 -- Benjamin Franklin, "Poor Richard's Almanack"
34413 Many a man that can't direct you to a corner drugstore will
34414 get a respectful hearing when age has further impaired his mind.
34415 -- Finley Peter Dunne
34417 Many a town that didn't have enough work to support a single lawyer
34418 can easily support two or more.
34420 Many a writer seems to think he is never profound
34421 except when he can't understand his own meaning.
34422 -- George D. Prentice
34424 Many are called, few are chosen.
34425 Fewer still get to do the choosing.
34427 Many are called, few volunteer.
34429 Many are cold, but few are frozen.
34431 Many changes of mind and mood; do not hesitate too long.
34433 Many companies that have made themselves dependent on [the equipment of a
34434 certain major manufacturer] (and in doing so have sold their soul to the
34435 devil) will collapse under the sheer weight of the unmastered complexity of
34436 their data processing systems.
34437 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5
34439 Many enraged psychiatrists are inciting a weary butcher. The butcher is
34440 weary and tired because he has cut meat and steak and lamb for hours and
34441 weeks. He does not desire to chant about anything with raving psychiatrists,
34442 but he sings about his gingivectomist, he dreams about a single cosmologist,
34443 he thinks about his dog. The dog is named Herbert.
34444 -- Racter, "The Policeman's Beard is Half-Constructed"
34446 Many hands make light work.
34449 Many husbands go broke on the money their wives save on sales.
34451 Many mental processes admit of being roughly measured. For instance,
34452 the degree to which people are bored, by counting the number of their
34453 fidgets. I not infrequently tried this method at the meetings of the
34454 Royal Geographical Society, for even there dull memoirs are occasionally
34455 read. [...] The use of a watch attracts attention, so I reckon time
34456 by the number of my breathings, of which there are 15 in a minute. They
34457 are not counted mentally, but are punctuated by pressing with 15 fingers
34458 successively. The counting is reserved for the fidgets. These observations
34459 should be confined to persons of middle age. Children are rarely still,
34460 while elderly philosophers will sometimes remain rigid for minutes altogether.
34461 -- Francis Galton, 1909
34463 Many of the characters are fools and they are always playing
34464 tricks on me and treating me badly.
34465 -- Jorge Luis Borges, from "Writers on Writing" by Jon Winokur
34467 Many of the convicted thieves Parker has met began their
34468 life of crime after taking college Computer Science courses.
34469 -- Roger Rapoport, "Programs for Plunder", Omni, March 1981
34471 Many pages make a thick book.
34473 Many pages make a thick book, except for pocket Bibles which are on very
34476 Many people are desperately looking for some wise advice
34477 which will recommend that they do what they want to do.
34479 Many people are secretly interested in life.
34481 Many people are unenthusiastic about their work.
34483 Many people are unenthusiastic about your work.
34485 Many people feel that if you won't let
34486 them make you happy, they'll make you suffer.
34488 Many people feel that they deserve some kind of
34489 recognition for all the bad things they haven't done.
34491 Many people resent being treated like the person they really are.
34493 Many people would rather die than think; in fact, most do.
34494 -- Bertrand Russell
34496 Many people write memos to tell you they have nothing to say.
34498 Many receive advice, few profit by it.
34501 Many years ago in a period commonly known as Next Friday Afternoon,
34502 there lived a King who was very Gloomy on Tuesday mornings because he
34503 was so Sad thinking about how Unhappy he had been on Monday and how
34504 completely Mournful he would be on Wednesday ...
34507 Margaret, are you grieving
34508 Over Goldengrove unleaving?
34509 Leaves, like the things of man,
34510 You, with your fresh thoughts
34512 Ah! as the heart grows older
34513 It will come to such sights colder
34514 By and by, nor spare a sigh
34515 Though worlds of wanwood leafmeal lie
34516 And yet you will weep and know why.
34517 Now no matter, child, the name
34518 Sorrow's springs are the same:
34519 It is the blight man was born for,
34520 It is Margaret you mourn for.
34521 -- Gerard Manley Hopkins
34525 Orange blossom: Your purity equals your loveliness
34526 Orchid: Beauty, magnificence
34528 Peach blossom: I am your captive
34529 Petunia: Your presence soothes me
34531 Rose, any color: Love
34532 Rose, deep red: Bashful shame
34533 Rose, single, pink: Simplicity
34534 Rose, thornless, any: Early attachment
34535 Rose, white: I am worthy of you
34536 Rose, yellow: Decrease of love, rise of jealousy
34537 Rosebud, white: Girlhood, and a heart ignorant of love
34538 Rosemary: Remembrance
34539 Sunflower: Haughtiness
34540 Tulip, red: Declaration of love
34541 Tulip, yellow: Hopeless love
34542 Violet, blue: Faithfulness
34543 Violet, white: Modesty
34544 Zinnia: Thoughts of absent friends
34545 * An upside-down blossom reverses the meaning.
34547 Marijuana is nature's way of saying, "Hi!".
34549 Marijuana will be legal some day, because the many law students
34550 who now smoke pot will someday become congressmen and legalize
34551 it in order to protect themselves.
34554 Mark's Dental-Chair Discovery:
34555 Dentists are incapable of asking questions that require a
34556 simple yes or no answer.
34559 An old, established institution, entered into by two people deeply
34560 in love and desiring to make a commitment to each other expressing
34561 that love. In short, commitment to an institution.
34566 Marriage always demands the greatest understanding of the art of
34567 insincerity possible between two human beings.
34570 Marriage causes dating problems.
34572 Marriage, in life, is like a duel in the midst of a battle.
34575 Marriage is a ghastly public confession of a strictly private intention.
34577 Marriage is a great institution -- but I'm
34578 not ready for an institution yet.
34581 Marriage is a lot like the army, everyone complains, but you'd be
34582 surprised at the large number that re-enlist.
34585 Marriage is a romance in which the hero dies in the first chapter.
34587 Marriage is a three ring circus:
34588 engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
34591 Marriage is an institution in which two undertake
34592 to become one, and one undertakes to become nothing.
34594 Marriage is based on the theory that when a man discovers a brand of beer
34595 exactly to his taste he should at once throw up his job and go to work
34597 -- George Jean Nathan
34599 Marriage is learning about women the hard way.
34601 Marriage is like twirling a baton, turning handsprings, or eating with
34602 chopsticks. It looks easy until you try it.
34604 Marriage is low down, but you spend the rest of your life paying for it.
34607 Marriage is not merely sharing the fettuccine, but sharing the
34608 burden of finding the fettuccine restaurant in the first place.
34611 Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly.
34614 Marriage is the process of finding out what
34615 kind of man your wife would have preferred.
34617 Marriage is the waste-paper basket of the emotions.
34622 Marriages are made in heaven and consummated on earth.
34625 Marry in haste and everyone starts counting the months.
34627 MARTA SAYS THE INTERESTING thing about fly-fishing is that its two lives
34628 connected by a thin strand.
34630 Come on, Marta, grow up.
34631 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican", 1988.
34633 MARTA WAS WATCHING THE FOOTBALL GAME with me when she said, "You know most
34634 of these sports are based on the idea of one group protecting its
34635 territory from invasion by another group."
34637 "Yeah," I said, trying not to laugh. Girls are funny.
34638 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican", 1988.
34640 Martin was probably ripping them off. That's some family, isn't it?
34641 Incest, prostitution, fanaticism, software.
34642 -- Charles Willeford, "Miami Blues"
34644 'Martyrdom' is the only way a person can become famous without ability.
34645 -- George Bernard Shaw
34647 Marvelous! The super-user's going to boot me!
34648 What a finely tuned response to the situation!
34650 Marvin the Nature Lover spied a grasshopper hopping along in the grass,
34651 and in a mood for communing with nature, rare even among full-fledged
34652 Nature Lovers, he spoke to the grasshopper, saying: "Hello, friend
34653 grasshopper. Did you know they've named a drink after you?"
34654 "Really?" replied the grasshopper, obviously pleased. "They've
34655 named a drink Fred?"
34657 Marxist Law of Distribution of Wealth:
34658 Shortages will be divided equally among the peasants.
34660 Mary had a little lamb, its fleece was white as snow,
34661 And everywhere that Mary went, the lamb was sure to go.
34662 It followed her through rain or snow, lightning, sleet or hail.
34663 It fetched the evening paper, her slippers, and the mail.
34664 She never had a moments peace; the lamb was always on her heels,
34665 And on her feet its head would rest, while she ate her meals.
34666 It followed her to school one day, the devotion never ended.
34667 The lamb waltzed into her history class and Mary got suspended.
34668 The night she went to Senior Prom, she thought she had him beat,
34669 Until she heard a mournful "Baaa" coming from her car's seat.
34670 Oh, Mary had a little lamb, it surely didn't please her.
34671 So for dinner she had lambchops; the rest is in the freezer.
34675 You can always find what you're not looking for.
34677 Maryel brought her bat into Exit once and started whacking people on
34678 the dance floor. Now everyone's doing it. It's called grand slam
34680 -- Ransford, Chicago Reader 10/7/83
34683 If the only tool you have is a hammer,
34684 you treat everything like a nail.
34686 Mason's First Law of Synergism:
34687 The one day you'd sell your soul for something, souls are a glut.
34689 Massachusetts has the best politicians money can buy.
34691 Masturbation is the thinking man's television.
34692 -- Christopher Hampton
34694 Mate, this parrot wouldn't VOOM if you put four million volts through it!
34697 Mater artium necessitas.
34698 [Necessity is the mother of invention].
34700 Maternity pay? Now every Tom, Dick and Harry will get pregnant.
34703 MATH AND ALCOHOL DON'T MIX!
34704 Please, don't drink and derive.
34711 Math is like love -- a simple idea but it can get complicated.
34715 Some one who believes imaginary things appear right before your i's.
34717 Mathematicians are like Frenchmen: whatever you say to them they
34718 translate into their own language, and forthwith it is something
34719 entirely different.
34720 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
34722 Mathematicians often resort to something called Hilbert space, which is
34723 described as being n-dimensional. Like modern sex, any number can
34725 -- Dr. Thor Wald, in "Beep/The Quincunx of Time", by
34728 Mathematicians practice absolute freedom.
34731 Mathematics deals exclusively with the relations of concepts
34732 to each other without consideration of their relation to experience.
34735 Mathematics is the only science where one never knows what
34736 one is talking about nor whether what is said is true.
34739 Mathematics, rightly viewed, possesses not only truth but supreme beauty --
34740 a beauty cold and austere, like that of a sculpture, without appeal to any
34741 part of our weaker nature, without the gorgeous trapping of painting or music,
34742 yet sublimely pure, and capable of a stern perfection such as only the
34743 greatest art can show. The true spirit of delight, the exaltation, the sense
34744 of being more than man, which is the touchstone of the highest excellence, is
34745 to be found in mathematics as surely as in poetry.
34746 -- Bertrand Russell
34748 Matrimony is the root of all evil.
34750 "Matrimony isn't a word, it's a sentence."
34752 Matter cannot be created or destroyed, nor can it be returned without a
34755 Maturity is only a short break in adolescence.
34759 A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
34761 May a hundred thousand midgets invade your home singing cheezy lounge-lizard
34762 versions of songs from The Wizard of Oz.
34764 May a Misguided Platypus lay its Eggs in your Jockey Shorts.
34766 May all your PUSHes be POPped.
34768 May Euell Gibbons eat your only copy of the manual!
34770 May the bluebird of happiness twiddle your bits.
34772 May the Fleas of a Thousand Camels infest one of your Erogenous Zones.
34774 May the fleas of a thousand camels infest your armpits.
34776 May those that love us love us; and those that don't love us, may
34777 God turn their hearts; and if he doesn't turn their hearts, may
34778 he turn their ankles so we'll know them by their limping.
34780 May you die in bed at 95, shot by a jealous spouse.
34782 May you have many beautiful and obedient daughters.
34784 May you have many handsome and obedient sons.
34786 May you have warm words on a cold evening,
34787 a full moon on a dark night,
34788 and a smooth road all the way to your door.
34790 May you live in uninteresting times.
34793 May your camel be as swift as the wind.
34795 May your SO always know when you need a hug.
34797 May your Tongue stick to the Roof of your Mouth with the Force of a
34800 Maybe ain't ain't so correct, but I notice that
34801 lots of folks who ain't using ain't ain't eatin' well.
34804 Maybe Computer Science should be in the College of Theology.
34807 Maybe Jesus was right when he said that the meek shall inherit the
34808 earth -- but they inherit very small plots, about six feet by three.
34811 "Maybe we can get together and show off to each other sometimes."
34813 "Maybe we should think of this as one perfect week... where we found each
34814 other, and loved each other... and then let each other go before anyone
34815 had to seek professional help."
34817 Maybe you can't buy happiness, but these days you can certainly charge
34821 The quality of correlation is inversely proportional to the density
34822 of control. (The fewer the data points, the smoother the curves.)
34824 McDonald's -- Because you're worth it.
34826 McEwan's Rule of Relative Importance:
34827 When traveling with a herd of elephants,
34828 don't be the first to lie down and rest.
34830 McGowan's Madison Avenue Axiom:
34831 If an item is advertised as "under $50", you can bet it's not
34835 Whatever happens to you, it will previously have happened to
34836 everyone you know, only more so.
34839 Always remember that you are absolutely unique,
34840 just like everyone else.
34842 Meanehwael, baccat meaddehaele, monstaer lurccen;
34843 Fulle few too many drincce, hie luccen for fyht.
34844 [D]en Hreorfneorht[d]hwr, son of Hrwaerow[p]heororthwl,
34845 AEsccen aewful jeork to steop outsyd.
34846 [P]hud! Bashe! Crasch! Beoom! [D]e bigge gye
34847 Eallum his bon brak, byt his nose offe;
34848 Wicced Godsylla waeld on his asse.
34849 Monstaer moppe fleor wy[p] eallum men in haelle.
34850 Beowulf in bacceroome fonecall bemaccen waes;
34851 Hearen sond of ruccus saed, "Hwaet [d]e helle?"
34852 Graben sheold strang ond swich-blaed scharp
34853 Sond feorth to fyht [d]e grimlic foe.
34854 "Me," Godsylla saed, "mac [d]e minsemete."
34855 Heoro cwyc geten heold wi[p] faemed half-nelson
34856 Ond flyng him lic frisbe bac to fen.
34857 Beowulf belly up to meaddehaele bar,
34858 Saed, "Ne foe beaten mie faersom cung-fu."
34859 Eorderen cocca-colha yce-coeld, [d]e reol [p]yng.
34861 Meantime, in the slums below Ronnie's Ranch, Cynthia feels as if some one
34862 has made voodoo boxen of her and her favorite backplanes. On this fine
34863 moonlit night, some horrible persona has been jabbing away at, dragging
34864 magnets over, and surging these voodoo boxen. Fortunately, they seem to
34865 have gotten a bit bored and fallen asleep, for it looks like Cynthia may
34866 get to go home. However, she has made note to quickly put together a totem
34867 of sweaty, sordid static straps, random bits of wire, flecks of once meaningful
34868 oxide, bus grant cards, gummy worms, and some bits of old pdp backplane to
34869 hang above the machine room. This totem must be blessed by the old and wise
34870 venerable god of unibus at once, before the idolatization of vme, q and pc
34871 bus drive him to bitter revenge. Alas, if this fails, and the voodoo boxen
34872 aren't destroyed, there may be more than worms in the apple. Next, the
34873 arrival of voodoo optico transmitigational magneto killer paramecium, capable
34874 of teleporting from cable to cable, screen to screen, ear to ear and hoof
34877 Measure twice, cut once.
34879 Mediocrity finds safety in standardization.
34882 Meekness is uncommon patience in planning a worthwhile revenge.
34884 Meester, do you vant to buy a duck?
34887 An assembly of computer experts coming together to decide what
34888 person or department not represented in the room must solve the
34892 An assembly of people coming together to decide what person or
34893 department not represented in the room must solve a problem.
34896 A place where minutes are kept and hours are lost.
34898 Meetings are an addictive, highly self indulgent activity that
34899 corporations and other large organizations habitually engage
34900 in only because they cannot actually masturbate.
34904 An interoffice communication too often written more for
34905 the benefit of the person who sends it than the person
34908 MEMORIES OF MY FAMILY MEETINGS still are a source of strength to me. I
34909 remember we'd all get into the car -- I forget what kind it was -- and
34912 I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there were some bees there. The
34913 smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we
34914 played. I remember a bigger, older guy whom we called "Dad." We'd eat
34915 some stuff or not and then I think we went home.
34917 I guess some things never leave you.
34918 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican", 1988.
34920 Memory fault -- brain fried
34922 Memory fault -- core...uh...um...core... Oh dammit, I forget!
34924 Memory fault - where am I?
34926 Memory should be the starting point of the present.
34928 Men are always ready to respect anything that bores them.
34931 Men are amused by almost any idiot thing -- that is why professional ice
34932 hockey is so popular -- so buying gifts for them is easy. But you should
34933 never buy them clothes. Men believe they already have all the clothes they
34934 will ever need, and new ones make them nervous. For example, your average
34935 man has 84 ties, but he wears, at most, only three of them. He has learned,
34936 through humiliating trial and error, that if he wears any of the other 81
34937 ties, his wife will probably laugh at him ("You're not going to wear THAT
34938 tie with that suit, are you?"). So he has narrowed it down to three safe
34939 ties, and has gone several years without being laughed at. If you give him
34940 a new tie, he will pretend to like it, but deep inside he will hate you.
34941 If you want to give a man something practical, consider tires. More
34942 than once, I would have gladly traded all the gifts I got for a new set
34944 -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
34946 Men are superior to women.
34949 Men are those creatures with two legs and eight hands.
34952 Men aren't attracted to me by my mind.
34953 They're attracted by what I don't mind...
34956 Men freely believe that what they wish to desire.
34959 Men have a much better time of it than women; for one
34960 thing they marry later; for another thing they die earlier.
34963 Men have as exaggerated an idea of their
34964 rights as women have of their wrongs.
34967 Men live for three things, fast cars, fast women and fast food.
34969 Men love to wonder, and that is the seed of science.
34971 Men never do evil so completely and cheerfully as when they do it
34972 from religious conviction.
34973 -- Blaise Pascal, "Pens'
\bees", 1670
34975 Men never make passes at girls wearing glasses.
34978 Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them
34979 pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened.
34980 -- Winston Churchill
34982 Men of lofty genius when they are doing the least work are most active.
34983 -- Leonardo da Vinci
34985 Men of quality are not afraid of women for equality.
34987 Men often believe -- or pretend -- that the "Law" is something sacred, or
34988 at least a science -- an unfounded assumption very convenient to governments.
34990 Men ought to know that from the brain and from the brain only arise our
34991 pleasures, joys, laughter, and jests as well as our sorrows, pains, griefs
34992 and tears. ... It is the same thing which makes us mad or delirious,
34993 inspires us with dread and fear, whether by night or by day, brings us
34994 sleeplessness, inopportune mistakes, aimless anxieties, absent-mindedness
34995 and acts that are contrary to habit...
34996 -- Hippocrates, "The Sacred Disease"
34998 Men say of women what pleases them; women do with men what pleases them.
35001 Men seldom show dimples to girls who have pimples.
35003 Men still remember the first kiss after women have forgotten the last.
35005 Men take only their needs into consideration -- never their abilities.
35006 -- Napoleon Bonaparte
35008 Men use thought only to justify their wrong doings,
35009 and speech only to conceal their thoughts.
35012 Men were real men, women were real women, and small, furry creatures
35013 from Alpha Centauri were REAL small, furry creatures from Alpha
35014 Centauri. Spirits were brave, men boldly split infinitives that no man
35015 had split before. Thus was the Empire forged.
35016 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
35018 Men who cherish for women the highest
35019 respect are seldom popular with them.
35022 Mencken and Nathan's Fifteenth Law of The Average American:
35023 The worst actress in the company is always the manager's wife.
35025 Mencken and Nathan's Ninth Law of The Average American:
35026 The quality of a champagne is judged by the amount of noise the
35027 cork makes when it is popped.
35029 Mencken and Nathan's Second Law of The Average American:
35030 All the postmasters in small towns read all the postcards.
35032 Mencken and Nathan's Second Law of The Average American:
35033 All the postmasters in small towns read all the postcards.
35035 Mencken and Nathan's Ninth Law of The Average American:
35036 The quality of a champagne is judged by the
35037 amount of noise the cork makes when it is popped.
35039 Mencken and Nathan's Fifteenth Law of The Average American:
35040 The worst actress in the company is always the manager's wife.
35042 Mencken and Nathan's Sixteenth Law of The Average American:
35043 Milking a cow is an operation demanding a special talent that
35044 is possessed only by yokels, and no person born in a large city can
35045 ever hope to acquire it.
35047 Mencken and Nathan's Sixteenth Law of The Average American:
35048 Milking a cow is an operation demanding a special talent that
35049 is possessed only by yokels, and no person born in a large city can
35050 ever hope to acquire it.
35052 Mene, mene, tekel, upharsin.
35054 Men's skin is different from women's skin. It is usually bigger, and
35055 it has more snakes tattooed on it. Also, if you examine a woman's skin
35056 very closely, inch by inch, starting at her shapely ankles, then gently
35057 tracing the slender curve of her calves, then moving up to her ...
35058 [EDITOR'S NOTE: To make room for news articles about important
35059 world events such as agriculture, we're going to delete the
35060 next few square feet of the woman's skin. Thank you.]
35061 ... until finally the two of you are lying there, spent, smoking your
35062 cigarettes, and suddenly it hits you: Human skin is actually made up of
35063 billions of tiny units of protoplasm, called "cells"! And what is even
35064 more interesting, the ones on the outside are all dying! This is a
35065 fact. Your skin is like an aggressive modern corporation, where the
35066 older veteran cells, who have finally worked their way to the top and
35067 obtained offices with nice views, are constantly being shoved out the
35068 window head first, without so much as a pension plan, by younger
35069 hotshot cells moving up from below.
35070 -- Dave Barry, "Saving Face"
35072 Mental power tended to corrupt, and absolute intelligence tended to
35073 corrupt absolutely, until the victim eschewed violence entirely in
35074 favor of smart solutions to stupid problems.
35077 Mental things which have not gone in through the
35078 senses are vain and bring forth no truth except detrimental.
35082 A list of dishes which the restaurant has just run out of.
35085 There's never time to do it right, but there's always time to
35088 MESSAGE ACKNOWLEDGED -- The Pershing II missiles have been launched.
35090 Message from Our Sponsor on ttyTV at 13:58 ...
35092 Message will arrive in the mail. Destroy, before the FBI sees it.
35095 One who doubts the established fact that it is
35096 bound to rain if you forget your umbrella.
35098 Metermaids eat their young.
35100 methionylglutaminylarginyltyrosylglutamylserylleucylphenylalanylalanylglutamin-
35101 ylleucyllysylglutamylarginyllysylglutamylglycylalanylphenylalanylvalylprolyl-
35102 phenylalanylvalylthreonylleucylglycylaspartylprolylglycylisoleucylglutamylglu-
35103 taminylserylleucyllysylisoleucylaspartylthreonylleucylisoleucylglutamylalanyl-
35104 glycylalanylaspartylalanylleucylglutamylleucylglycylisoleucylprolylphenylala-
35105 nylserylaspartylprolylleucylalanylaspartylglycylprolylthreonylisoleucylgluta-
35106 minylasparaginylalanylthreonylleucylarginylalanylphenylalanylalanylalanylgly-
35107 cylvalylthreonylprolylalanylglutaminylcysteinylphenylalanylglutamylmethionyl-
35108 leucylalanylleucylisoleucylarginylglutaminyllysylhistidylprolylthreonylisoleu-
35109 cylprolylisoleucylglycylleucylleucylmethionyltyrosylalanylasparaginylleucylva-
35110 lylphenylalanylasparaginyllysylglycylisoleucylaspartylglutamylphenylalanyltyro-
35111 sylalanylglutaminylcysteinylglutamyllysylvalylglycylvalylaspartylserylvalylleu-
35112 cylvalylalanylaspartylvalylprolylvalylglutaminylglutamylserylalanylprolylphe-
35113 nylalanylarginylglutaminylalanylalanylleucylarginylhistidylasparaginylvalylala-
35114 nylprolylisoleucylphenylalanylisoleucylcysteinylprolylprolylaspartylalanylas-
35115 partylaspartylaspartylleucylleucylarginylglutaminylisoleucylalanylseryltyrosyl-
35116 glycylarginylglycyltyrosylthreonyltyrosylleucylleucylserylarginylalanylglycyl-
35117 valylthreonylglycylalanylglutamylasparaginylarginylalanylalanylleucylprolylleu-
35118 cylasparaginylhistidylleucylvalylalanyllysylleucyllysylglutamyltyrosylasparagi-
35119 nylalanylalanylprolylprolylleucylglutaminylglycylphenylalanylglycylisoleucylse-
35120 rylalanylprolylaspartylglutaminylvalyllysylalanylalanylisoleucylaspartylalanyl-
35121 glycylalanylalanylglycylalanylisoleucylserylglycylserylalanylisoleucylvalylly-
35122 sylisoleucylisoleucylglutamylglutaminylhistidylasparaginylisoleucylglutamylpro-
35123 lylglutamyllysylmethionylleucylalanylalanylleucyllysylvalylphenylalanylvalyl-
35124 glutaminylprolylmethionyllysylalanylalanylthreonylarginylserine, n.:
35125 The chemical name for tryptophan synthetase A protein, a
35126 1,913-letter enzyme with 267 amino acids.
35127 -- Mrs. Byrne's Dictionary of Unusual, Obscure, and
35130 Mickey Mouse wears a Spiro Agnew watch.
35136 Never trust a computer bigger than you can lift.
35138 Microbiology Lab: Staph Only!
35140 "Microwave oven? Whaddya mean, it's a microwave oven? I've been
35141 watching Channel 4 on the thing for two weeks."
35143 Microwaves frizz your heir.
35145 Mieux vaut tard que jamais!
35147 Might as well be frank, monsieur. It would take a miracle to get you
35148 out of Casablanca and the Germans have outlawed miracles.
35149 -- Signor Ferrari, "Casablanca" (1942)
35151 Mike: "The Fourth Dimension is a shambles?"
35152 Bernie: "Nobody ever empties the ashtrays. People are SO
35154 -- Gary Trudeau, "Doonesbury"
35157 If a string has one end, then it has another end.
35159 Militant agnostic: I don't know, and you don't either.
35161 Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
35164 Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
35168 Lose a few, lose a few.
35171 The amount of beauty required to launch one ship.
35173 Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with
35174 themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.
35177 Millions of sensible people are too high-minded to concede that
35178 politics is almost always the choice of the lesser evil. "Tweedledum
35179 and Tweedledee," they say, "I will not vote." Having abstained, they
35180 are presented with a President who appoints the people who are going to
35181 rummage around in their lives for the next four years. Consider all
35182 the people who sat home in a stew in 1968 rather than vote for Hubert
35183 Humphrey. They showed Humphrey. Those people who taught Hubert
35184 Humphrey a lesson will still be enjoying the Nixon Supreme Court when
35185 Tricia and Julie begin to find silver threads among the gold and the
35187 -- Russel Baker, "Ford without Flummery"
35189 Mind! I don't mean to say that I know, of my own knowledge, what there
35190 is particularly dead about a door-nail. I might have been inclined,
35191 myself, to regard a coffin-nail as the deadest piece of ironmongery in
35192 the trade. But the wisdom of our ancestors is in the simile; and my
35193 unhallowed hands shall not disturb it, or the Country's done for. You
35194 will therefore permit me to repeat, emphatically, that Marley was as
35195 dead as a door-nail.
35198 "I don't care if you burst into flames and die!"
35201 "Yes, I'd like to see that, does it come out of your ears or what?"
35203 Mind your own business, Spock.
35204 I'm sick of your halfbreed interference.
35206 Mind your own business, then you don't mind mine.
35209 A computer that can be afforded on the budget of a middle-level
35213 home of the blonde hair and blue ears.
35214 mosquito supplier to the free world.
35215 come fall in love with a loon.
35216 where visitors turn blue with envy.
35217 one day it's warm, the rest of the year it's cold.
35218 land of many cultures -- mostly throat.
35219 where the elite meet sleet.
35220 glove it or leave it.
35221 many are cold, but few are frozen.
35222 land of the ski and home of the crazed.
35223 land of 10,000 Petersons.
35225 Minnie Mouse is a slow maze learner.
35227 Minors in Kansas City, Missouri, are not allowed to purchase cap
35228 pistols; they may buy shotguns freely, however.
35231 Meaningless Indicator of Processor Speed
35233 Mirrors should reflect a little before throwing back images.
35236 Misery loves company, but company does not reciprocate.
35238 Misery no longer loves company. Nowadays it insists on it.
35242 The kind of fortune that never misses.
35243 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
35245 Misfortunes arrive on wings and leave on foot.
35248 A title with which we brand unmarried
35249 women to indicate that they are in the market.
35252 A title with which we brand unmarried women to indicate that
35253 they are in the market.
35254 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
35256 Mistakes are oft the stepping stones to utter failure.
35258 Mistakes are often the stepping stones to utter failure.
35260 Mistrust first impulses; they are always right.
35263 The Georgia Tech of the North
35265 Mitchell's Law of Committees:
35266 Any simple problem can be made insoluble if enough meetings are
35267 held to discuss it.
35270 A ballplayer who looks into his glove after missing the ball, as
35271 if, somehow, the cause of the error lies there.
35272 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
35274 Mix a little foolishness with your serious plans;
35275 it's lovely to be silly at the right moment.
35279 Watching a bus-load of lawyers plunge off a cliff.
35280 With five empty seats.
35283 There is nothing more permanent than a temporary building.
35284 There is nothing more permanent than a temporary tax.
35286 Mobius strippers never show you their back side.
35288 MOCK APPLE PIE (No Apples Needed)
35290 Pastry to two crust 9-inch pie 36 RITZ Crackers
35291 2 cups water 2 cups sugar
35292 2 teaspoons cream of tartar 2 tablespoons lemon juice
35293 Grated rind of one lemon Butter or margarine
35296 Roll out bottom crust of pastry and fit into 9-inch pie plate. Break
35297 RITZ Crackers coarsely into pastry-lined plate. Combine water, sugar
35298 and cream of tartar in saucepan, boil gently for 15 minutes. Add lemon
35299 juice and rind. Cool. Pour this syrup over Crackers, dot generously
35300 with butter or margarine and sprinkle with cinnamon. Cover with top
35301 crust. Trim and flute edges together. Cut slits in top crust to let
35302 steam escape. Bake in a hot oven (425 F) 30 to 35 minutes, until crust
35303 is crisp and golden. Serve warm. Cut into 6 to 8 slices.
35304 -- Found lurking on a Ritz Crackers box
35306 Modeling paged and segmented memories is tricky business.
35310 Up-to-date, new-fangled, as in "Thoroughly Modem Millie." An
35311 unfortunate byproduct of kerning.
35313 Moderation in all things.
35314 -- Publius Terentius Afer [Terence]
35316 Moderation is a fatal thing. Nothing succeeds like excess.
35319 Modern art is what happens when painters stop looking at girls and persuade
35320 themselves that they have a better idea.
35323 Modern man is the missing link between apes and human beings.
35325 Modern psychology takes completely for granted that behavior and neural
35326 function are perfectly correlated, that one is completely caused by the
35327 other. There is no separate soul or lifeforce to stick a finger into the
35328 brain now and then and make neural cells do what they would not otherwise.
35329 Actually, of course, this is a working assumption only. ... It is quite
35330 conceivable that someday the assumption will have to be rejected. But it
35331 is important also to see that we have not reached that day yet: the working
35332 assumption is a necessary one and there is no real evidence opposed to it.
35333 Our failure to solve a problem so far does not make it insoluble. One cannot
35334 logically be a determinist in physics and biology, and a mystic in psychology.
35335 -- D. O. Hebb, "Organization of Behavior: A Neuropsychological
35339 Being comfortable that others will discover your greatness.
35341 Modesty is a vastly overrated virtue.
35344 Modesty: the gentle art of enhancing your charm by pretending
35345 not to be aware of it.
35348 Moe: Wanna play poker tonight?
35349 Joe: I can't. It's the kids' night out.
35351 Joe: I gotta stay home with the nurse.
35353 Moe: What did you give your wife for Valentine's Day?
35354 Joe: The usual gift -- she ate my heart out.
35356 Moebius always does it on the same side.
35358 Mohandas K. Gandhi often changed his mind publicly. An aide once asked
35359 him how he could so freely contradict this week what he had said just
35360 last week. The great man replied that it was because this week he knew
35363 Moishe Margolies, who weighed all of 105 pounds and stood an even five feet
35364 in his socks, was taking his first airplane trip. He took a seat next to a
35365 hulking bruiser of a man who happened to be the heavyweight champion of
35366 the world. Little Moishe was uneasy enough before he even entered the plane,
35367 but now the roar of the engines and the great height absolutely terrified him.
35368 So frightened did he become that his stomach turned over and he threw up all
35369 over the muscular giant siting beside him. Fortunately, at least for Moishe,
35370 the man was sound asleep. But now the little man had another problem. How in
35371 the world would he ever explain the situation to the burly brute when he
35372 awakened? The sudden voice of the stewardess on the plane's intercom, finally
35373 woke the bruiser, and Moishe, his heart in his mouth, rose to the occasion.
35374 "Feeling better now?" he asked solicitously.
35377 The ultimate, indivisible unit of matter. It is distinguished from
35378 the corpuscle, also the ultimate, indivisible unit of matter, by a
35379 closer resemblance to the atom, also the ultimate, indivisible unit
35380 of matter... The ion differs from the molecule, the corpuscle and
35381 the atom in that it is an ion...
35384 The ultimate, indivisible unit of matter. It is distinguished
35385 from the corpuscle, also the ultimate, indivisible unit of matter, by a
35386 closer resemblance to the atom, also the ultimate, indivisible unit of
35387 matter ... The ion differs from the molecule, the corpuscle and the
35388 atom in that it is an ion ...
35389 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
35391 Mollison's Bureaucracy Hypothesis:
35392 If an idea can survive a bureaucratic review and be implemented
35393 it wasn't worth doing.
35396 What you give a person when they are going away.
35398 Mommy, what happens to your files when you die?
35401 When they finally do have to take you to the
35402 hospital, your underwear won't be clean or new.
35405 In Christian countries, the day after the football game.
35408 Monday is an awful way to spend one seventh of your life.
35411 In Christian countries, the day after the baseball game.
35412 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
35414 Money and women are the most sought after and the least known of any two
35416 -- The Best of Will Rogers
35418 Money cannot buy love, nor even friendship.
35422 but is excellent kindling.
35424 To the man-in-the-street, who, I'm sorry to say,
35425 Is a keen observer of life,
35426 The word intellectual suggests right away
35427 A man who's untrue to his wife.
35428 -- W. H. Auden, "Collected Shorter Poems"
35430 Money can't buy happiness, but it can make you
35431 awfully comfortable while you're being miserable.
35434 Money can't buy love, but it improves your bargaining position.
35435 -- Christopher Marlowe
35437 Money doesn't talk, it swears.
35440 Money is a powerful aphrodisiac. But flowers work almost as well.
35443 Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
35445 Money is its own reward.
35447 Money is the root of all evil, and man needs roots.
35449 Money is the root of all wealth.
35451 Money is truthful. If a man speaks of his honor, make him pay cash.
35454 Money isn't everything -- but it's a long way ahead of what comes next.
35455 -- Sir Edmond Stockdale
35457 Money may buy friendship but money cannot buy love.
35459 Money may not buy happiness, but it sure
35460 puts you in a great bargaining position.
35462 Money will say more in one moment than
35463 the most eloquent lover can in years.
35465 Moneyliness is next to Godliness.
35468 Monogamy is the Western custom of one wife and hardly any mistresses.
35472 Marriage to one woman at a time.
35475 A grizzly bear praying for the early arrival of cable television.
35478 Where forty-three below keeps out the riff-raff.
35480 Monterey... is decidedly the pleasantest and most civilized-looking place
35481 in California ... [it] is also a great place for cock-fighting, gambling
35482 of all sorts, fandangos, and various kinds of amusements and knavery.
35483 -- Richard Henry Dama, "Two Years Before the Mast", 1840
35486 1. A celestial object whose phase is very important to
35487 hackers. See PHASE OF THE MOON. 2. Dave Moon (MOON@MC).
35490 Everybody sets out to do something, and everybody
35491 does something, but no one does what he sets out to do.
35494 Fear of being verbally abused by a Mississippian.
35496 More are taken in by hope than by cunning.
35499 More people are flattered into virtue than bullied out of vice.
35502 More people died at Chappaquidick than at 3-mile island.
35504 More people have died in Ted Kennedy's car than in nuclear power plants.
35506 More than any time in history, mankind now faces a crossroads. One
35507 path leads to despair and utter hopelessness, the other to total
35508 extinction. Let us pray that we have the wisdom to choose correctly.
35509 -- Woody Allen, "Side Effects"
35511 Morris had been down on his luck for months, and, though not a devoutly
35512 religious man, had begun to visit the local synagogue to ask God's help.
35513 One week, out of desperation, he prayed, "God, I've been a good and decent
35514 man all my life. Would it be so terrible if You let me win the lottery
35516 The despondent fellow returned week after week. One day, Morris,
35517 nearly hopeless now, prayed, "God, I've never asked You for anything before.
35518 I just want to win one little lottery."
35519 "As he dejectedly rose to leave, God's voice boomed, "Morris, at
35520 least meet Me halfway on this. Buy a ticket!"
35523 If rats are experimented upon, they will develop cancer.
35525 Mos Eisley Spaceport; you'll not find a more
35526 wretched collection of villainy and disreputable types...
35527 -- Obi-wan Kenobi, "Star Wars"
35529 Mosher's Law of Software Engineering:
35530 Don't worry if it doesn't work right. If everything did, you'd
35534 The state bird of New Jersey.
35536 Most burning issues generate far more heat than light.
35538 Most fish live underwater, which is a terrible place to have sex
35539 because virtually anywhere you lie down there will be stinging crabs
35540 and large quantities of little fish staring at you with buggy little
35541 eyes. So generally when two fish want to have sex, they swim around
35542 and around for hours, looking for someplace to go, until finally the
35543 female gets really tired and has a terrible headache, and she just
35544 dumps her eggs right on the sand and swims away. Then the male, driven
35545 by some timeless, noble instinct for survival, eats the eggs. So the
35546 truth is that fish don't reproduce at all, but there are so many of
35547 them that it doesn't make any difference.
35548 -- Dave Barry, "Sex and the Single Amoeba: What Every
35551 Most folks they like the daytime,
35552 'cause they like to see the shining sun.
35553 They're up in the morning,
35554 off and a-running till they're too tired for having fun.
35555 But when the sun goes down,
35556 and the bright lights shine, my daytime has just begun.
35558 Now there are two sides to this great big world,
35559 and one of them is always night.
35560 If you can take care of business in the sunshine, baby,
35561 I guess you're gonna be all right.
35562 Don't come looking for me to lend you a hand.
35563 My eyes just can't stand the light.
35565 'Cause I'm a night owl honey, sleep all day long.
35568 Most general statements are false, including this one.
35571 Most of our lives are about proving something,
35572 either to ourselves or to someone else.
35574 Most of the fear that spoils our life comes from attacking
35575 difficulties before we get to them.
35578 ...most of us learned about love the hard way. Even warnings are probably
35579 useless, for somehow, despite the severest warnings of parents and friends,
35580 hundreds, thousands of women have forgotten themselves at the last minute
35581 and succumbed to the lies, promises, flatteries, or mere attentions of
35582 lusting, lovely men, landing themselves in complicated predicaments from
35583 which some of them never recovered during their entire lives. And I am not
35584 speaking only of your teenaged Midwesterners in 1958; I'm speaking of women
35585 of every age in every city in every year. The notorious sexual revolution
35586 has saved no one from the pain and confusion of love.
35587 -- Alix Kates Shulman
35589 Most of your faults are not your fault.
35591 Most people are too busy to have time for anything important.
35593 Most people are unable to write because they are unable to think, and
35594 they are unable to think because they congenitally lack the equipment
35595 to do so, just as they congenitally lack the equipment to fly over the
35599 Most people can do without the essentials, but not without the luxuries.
35601 Most people can't understand how others can blow their noses differently
35605 Most people deserve each other.
35608 Most people don't need a great deal of love
35609 nearly so much as they need a steady supply.
35611 Most people eat as though they were fattening themselves for market.
35614 Most people feel that everyone is entitled to their opinion.
35616 Most people have a furious itch to talk about themselves and are restrained
35617 only by the disinclination of others to listen. Reserve is an artificial
35618 quality that is developed in most of us as the result of innumerable rebuffs.
35621 Most people have a mind that's open by appointment only.
35623 Most people have two reasons for doing anything --
35624 a good reason, and the real reason.
35626 Most people in this society who aren't actively mad are,
35627 at best, reformed or potential lunatics.
35630 Most people need some of their problems
35631 to help take their mind off some of the others.
35633 Most people prefer certainty to truth.
35635 Most people want either less corruption
35636 or more of a chance to participate in it.
35638 Most people will listen to your unreasonable demands,
35639 if you'll consider their unacceptable offer.
35641 Most people wouldn't know music if it came up and bit them on the ass.
35644 Most people's favorite way to end a game is by winning.
35646 Most public domain software is free, at least at first glance.
35648 Most rock journalism is people who can't write interviewing people who
35649 can't talk for people who can't read.
35652 Most seminars have a happy ending. Everyone's glad when they're over.
35654 Most Texans think Hanukkah is some sort of duck call.
35660 Mother Earth is not flat!
35662 Mother is far too clever to understand anything she does not like.
35665 Mother is the invention of necessity.
35667 Mother said there would be days like this, but she never said that
35668 there would be so many.
35670 Mother said there would be days like this, but she never said there
35673 Mother told me to be good, but she's been wrong before.
35675 Mothers all want their sons to grow up to be President, but they
35676 don't want them to become politicians in the process.
35679 Mothers of large families (who claim to common sense)
35680 Will find a Tiger will repay the trouble and expense.
35681 -- Hilaire Belloc, "The Tiger"
35683 Mount St. Helens should have used earth control.
35685 MOUNT TAPE U1439 ON B3, NO RING
35687 Mountain Dew and doughnuts... because breakfast is the most important meal
35691 The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant; the
35692 population is growing.
35694 Mr. Rockford? This is Betty Joe Withers. I got four shirts of yours from
35695 the Bo Peep Cleaners by mistake. I don't know why they gave me men's
35696 shirts but they're going back.
35698 Mr. Rockford? You don't know me, but I'd like to hire you. Could
35699 you call me at... My name is... uh... Never mind, forget it!
35701 Mr. Rockford; Miss Collins from the Bureau of Licenses. We got your
35702 renewal before the extended deadline but not your check. I'm sorry but
35703 at midnight you're no longer licensed as an investigator.
35705 Mr. Rockford, this is the Thomas Crown School of Dance and Contemporary
35706 Etiquette. We aren't going to call again! Now you want these free
35709 Mr. Salter's side of the conversation was limited to expressions of assent.
35710 When Lord Copper was right he said "Definitely, Lord Copper"; when he was
35711 wrong, "Up to a point."
35712 "Let me see, what's the name of the place I mean? Capital of Japan?
35713 Yokohama isn't it?"
35714 "Up to a point, Lord Copper."
35715 "And Hong Kong definitely belongs to us, doesn't it?"
35716 "Definitely, Lord Copper."
35717 -- Evelyn Waugh, "Scoop"
35719 MSDOS is not dead, it just smells that way.
35722 Much as they like to persuade us differently, lawyers are simply hired
35723 consultants, and at some point you time them out.
35726 Much of the excitement we get out of our work
35727 is that we don't really know what we are doing.
35728 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
35730 Much to his Mum and Dad's dismay, Horace ate himself one day.
35731 He didn't stop to say his grace, he just sat down and ate his face.
35732 "We can't have this!" his Dad declared, "If that lad's ate, he should
35734 But even as he spoke they saw Horace eating more and more:
35735 First his legs and then his thighs, his arms, his nose, his hair, his eyes...
35736 "Stop him someone!" Mother cried, "Those eyeballs would be better fried!"
35737 But all too late, for they were gone, and he had started on his dong...
35738 "Oh! foolish child!" the father mourns "You could have deep-fried that
35740 Some parsley and and some tartar sauce..."
35741 But H. was on his second course: his liver and his lights and lung,
35742 His ears, his neck, his chin, his tongue; "To think I raised him from the cot,
35743 And now he's going to scoff the lot!"
35744 His Mother cried: "What shall we do? What's left won't even make a stew..."
35745 And as she wept, her son was seen, to eat his head, his heart his spleen.
35746 and there he lay: a boy no more, just a stomach on the floor...
35747 None the less, since it *was* his, they ate it -- that's what haggis is.
35749 Multics is security spelled sideways.
35751 "Multiply in your head" (ordered the compassionate Dr. Adams)
35752 "365,365,365,365,365,365 by 365,365,365,365,365,365. He [ten-year-old
35753 Truman Henry Safford] flew around the room like a top, pulled his
35754 pantaloons over the tops of his boots, bit his hands, rolled his eyes
35755 in their sockets, sometimes smiling and talking, and then seeming to be
35756 in an agony, until, in not more than one minute, said he,
35757 133,491,850,208,566,925,016,658,299,941,583,225!" An electronic
35758 computer might do the job a little faster but it wouldn't be as much
35760 -- James R. Newman (The World of Mathematics)
35763 An Egyptian who was pressed for time.
35765 Mummy dust to make me old;
35766 To shroud my clothes, the black of night;
35767 To age my voice, an old hag's cackle;
35768 To whiten my hair, a scream of fright;
35769 A blast of wind to fan my hate;
35770 A thunderbolt to mix it well --
35771 Now begin thy magic spell!
35772 -- The Evil Queen, "Snow White"
35774 Mummy dust to make me old;
35775 To shroud my clothes, the black of night;
35776 To age my voice, an old hag's cackle;
35777 To whiten my hair, a scream of fright;
35778 A blast of wind to fan my hate;
35779 A thunderbolt to mix it well --
35780 Now begin thy magic spell!
35781 -- Walter Disney, "Snow White"
35784 -- Miguel de Cervantes
35786 Mundus vult decipi decipiatur ergo.
35787 -- Xaviera Hollander
35789 [The world wants to be cheated, so cheat.]
35791 Murder is always a mistake -- one should never do anything one cannot
35792 talk about after dinner.
35793 -- Oscar Wilde, "The Picture of Dorian Gray"
35795 Murphy was an optimist.
35797 Murphy's Discovery:
35798 Do you know Presidents talk to the country the way men talk to
35799 women? They say, "Trust me, go all the way with me, and everything
35800 will be all right." And what happens? Nine months later, you're in
35803 Murphy's Law is recursive. Washing your car to make it rain doesn't
35806 Murphy's Law of Research:
35807 Enough research will tend to support your theory.
35809 "Murphy's Law, that brash proletarian restatement of Godel's Theorem ..."
35810 -- Thomas Pynchon, "Gravity's Rainbow"
35813 (1) If anything can go wrong, it will.
35814 (2) Nothing is as easy as it looks.
35815 (3) Everything takes longer than you think it will.
35818 Any country with "democratic" in the title isn't.
35820 Music in the soul can be heard by the universe.
35823 Must be getting close to town -- we're hitting more people.
35825 Must I hold a candle to my shames?
35826 -- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"
35829 Any item of food that has been sitting in the
35830 refrigerator so long it has become a science project.
35831 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
35834 Any item of food that has been sitting in the refrigerator so
35835 long it has become a science project.
35836 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
35838 My advice to you, my violent friend, is to seek out gold and sit on it.
35839 -- The Dragon to Grendel, in John Gardner's "Grendel"
35841 My analyst told me that I was right out of my head,
35842 But I said, "Dear Doctor, I think that it is you instead.
35843 Because I have got a thing that is unique and new,
35844 To prove it I'll have the last laugh on you.
35845 'Cause instead of one head -- I've got two.
35847 And you know two heads are better than one.
35849 My band career ended late in my senior year when John Cooper and I
35850 threw my amplifier out the dormitory window. We did not act in haste.
35851 First we checked to make sure the amplifier would fit through the
35852 frame, using the belt from my bathrobe to measure, then we picked up
35853 the amplifier and backed up to my bedroom door. Then we rushed
35854 forward, shouting "The WHO! The WHO!" and we launched my amplifier
35855 perfectly, as though we had been doing it all our lives, clean through
35856 the window and down onto the sidewalk, where a small but appreciative
35857 crowd had gathered. I would like to be able to say that this was a
35858 symbolic act, an effort on my part to break cleanly away from one state
35859 in my life and move on to another, but the truth is, Cooper and I
35860 really just wanted to find out what it would sound like. It sounded
35862 -- Dave Barry, "The Snake"
35864 My best argument against discrimination is quite simple:
35866 Does it really matter if the ABC people are inferior to the DEF people if
35867 they can tell one end of a gun from the other?
35869 My Bonnie looked into a gas tank,
35870 The height of its contents to see!
35871 She lit a small match to assist her,
35872 Oh, bring back my Bonnie to me.
35874 My boy is mean kid. I came home the other day and saw him taping worms
35875 to the sidewalk, he sits there and watches the birds get hernias. Well,
35876 only last Christmas I gave him a B-B gun and he gave me a sweatshirt with
35877 a bulls-eye on the back.
35879 I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own." One of them
35880 said, "So will you."
35881 -- Rodney Dangerfield
35883 My brain is my second favorite organ.
35886 My brother sent me a postcard the other day with this big satellite photo
35887 of the entire earth on it. On the back it said: "Wish you were here".
35890 My calculator is my shepherd, I shall not want
35891 It maketh me accurate to ten significant figures,
35892 and it leadeth me in scientific notation to 99 digits.
35893 It restoreth my square roots and guideth me along paths of floating
35894 decimal points for the sake of precision.
35895 Yea, tho I walk through the valley of surprise quizzes,
35896 I will fear no prof, for my calculator is there to hearten me.
35897 It prepareth a log table to comfort me, it prepareth an
35898 arc sin for me in the presence of my teachers.
35899 It anoints my homework with correct solutions, my interpolations are
35901 Surely, both precision and accuracy shall follow me all the days of my
35902 life, and I shall dwell in the house of Texas instruments forever.
35904 My central memory of that time seems to hang on one or five or maybe forty
35905 nights -- or very early mornings -- when I left the Fillmore half-crazy and,
35906 instead of going home, aimed the big 650 Lightning across the Bay Bridge at
35907 a hundred miles an hour ... booming through the Treasure Island tunnel at
35908 the lights of Oakland and Berkeley and Richmond, not quite sure which
35909 turnoff to take when I got to the other end ... but being absolutely certain
35910 that no matter which way I went I would come to a place where people were
35911 just as high and wild as I was: no doubt at all about that.
35912 -- Hunter S. Thompson
35914 "My country, right or wrong" is a thing that no patriot would think
35915 of saying, except in a desperate case. It is like saying "My mother,
35917 -- G. K. Chesterton, "The Defendant"
35919 "My country right or wrong" is like saying, "My mother drunk or
35921 -- G. K. Chesterton
35923 My cup hath runneth'd over with love.
35925 My darling wife was always glum.
35926 I drowned her in a cask of rum,
35927 And so made sure that she would stay
35928 In better spirits night and day.
35930 "My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless
35931 there are three other people."
35934 My doctorate's in Literature, but it seems like a pretty good pulse to me.
35936 My experience with government is when things are non-controversial,
35937 beautifully co-ordinated and all the rest, it must be that not much
35941 My family history begins with me, but yours ends with you.
35944 My father, a good man, told me, "Never lose
35945 your ignorance; you cannot replace it."
35946 -- Erich Maria Remarque
35948 My father taught me three things:
35949 1: Never mix whiskey with anything but water.
35950 2: Never try to draw to an inside straight.
35951 3: Never discuss business with anyone who refuses to give his name.
35953 My father was a God-fearing man, but he never
35954 missed a copy of the New York Times, either.
35957 My father was a saint, I'm not.
35960 My favorite sandwich is peanut butter, baloney, cheddar cheese, lettuce
35961 and mayonnaise on toasted bread with catsup on the side.
35962 -- Hubert H. Humphrey
35964 My first basename is George "Catfish" Metkovich from our 1952 Pittsburgh
35965 Pirates team, which lost 112 games. After a terrible series against the
35966 New York Giants, in which our center fielder made three throwing errors
35967 and let two balls get through his legs, manager Billy Meyer pleaded, "Can
35968 somebody think of something to help us win a game?"
35969 "I'd like to make a suggestion," Metkovich said. "On any ball hit
35970 to center field, let's just let it roll to see if it might go foul."
35971 -- Joe Garagiola, "It's Anybody's Ball Game"
35973 My folks didn't come over on the Mayflower,
35974 but they were there to meet the boat.
35976 My friend has a baby. I'm writing down all the noises he makes so
35977 later I can ask him what he meant.
35980 My geometry teacher was sometimes acute, and sometimes obtuse,
35981 but always, always, he was right.
35983 My girlfriend and I sure had a good time at the beach last summer. First
35984 she'd bury me in the sand, then I'd bury her. This summer I'm going to go
35985 back and dig her up.
35987 "My God! Are we sure he was a liberal?"
35988 "Pretty sure. They pulled him from a Volvo."
35990 My God, I'm depressed! Here I am, a computer with a mind a thousand
35991 times as powerful as yours, doing nothing but cranking out fortunes and
35992 sending mail about softball games. And I've got this pain right
35993 through my ALU. I've asked for it to be replaced, but nobody ever
35994 listens. I think it would be better for us both if you were to just
35997 My, how you've changed since I've changed.
35999 My idea of roughing it is when room service is late.
36001 My idea of roughing it turning the air conditioner too low.
36003 My interest is in the future because I am
36004 going to spend the rest of my life there.
36006 "My life is a soap opera, but who has the rights?"
36009 My love, he's mad, and my love, he's fleet,
36010 And a wild young wood-thing bore him!
36011 The ways are fair to his roaming feet,
36012 And the skies are sunlit for him.
36013 As sharply sweet to my heart he seems
36014 As the fragrance of acacia.
36015 My own dear love, he is all my dreams --
36016 And I wish he were in Asia.
36017 -- Dorothy Parker, part 2
36019 My love runs by like a day in June,
36020 And he makes no friends of sorrows.
36021 He'll tread his galloping rigadoon
36022 In the pathway or the morrows.
36023 He'll live his days where the sunbeams start
36024 Nor could storm or wind uproot him.
36025 My own dear love, he is all my heart --
36026 And I wish somebody'd shoot him.
36027 -- Dorothy Parker, part 3
36029 My method is to take the utmost trouble to find the right
36030 thing to say. And then say it with the utmost levity.
36031 -- George Bernard Shaw
36033 My mind can never know my body, although
36034 it has become quite friendly with my legs.
36035 -- Woody Allen, on Epistemology
36037 My mother drinks to forget she drinks.
36040 My mother loved children -- she would have given anything if I had been
36044 My mother once said to me, "Elwood," (she always called me Elwood)
36045 "Elwood, in this world you must be oh so smart or oh so pleasant."
36046 For years I tried smart. I recommend pleasant.
36047 -- Elwood P. Dowde, "Harvey"
36049 My mother wants grandchildren, so I said, "Mom, go for it!"
36053 Rock and roll is here to stay The king is gone but he's not forgotten
36054 It's better to burn out This is the story of a Johnny Rotten
36055 Than to fade away It's better to burn out than it is to rust
36056 My my, hey hey The king is gone but he's not forgotten
36058 It's out of the blue and into the black Hey hey, my my
36059 They give you this, but you pay for that Rock and roll can never die
36060 And once you're gone you can never come back There's more to the picture
36061 When you're out of the blue Than meets the eye
36064 "My My, Hey Hey (Out of the Blue), Rust Never Sleeps"
36066 My notion of a husband at forty is that a woman should
36067 be able to change him, like a bank note, for two twenties.
36069 My only love sprung from my only hate!
36070 Too early seen unknown, and known too late!
36071 -- William Shakespeare, "Romeo and Juliet"
36073 My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
36075 My own business always bores me to death; I prefer other people's.
36078 My own dear love, he is strong and bold
36079 And he cares not what comes after.
36080 His words ring sweet as a chime of gold,
36081 And his eyes are lit with laughter.
36082 He is jubilant as a flag unfurled --
36083 Oh, a girl, she'd not forget him.
36084 My own dear love, he is all my world --
36085 And I wish I'd never met him.
36086 -- Dorothy Parker, part 1
36088 My own life has been spent chronicling the rise and fall of human systems,
36089 and I am convinced that we are terribly vulnerable. ... We should be
36090 reluctant to turn back upon the frontier of this epoch. Space is indifferent
36091 to what we do; it has no feeling, no design, no interest in whether or not
36092 we grapple with it. But we cannot be indifferent to space, because the grand,
36093 slow march of intelligence has brought us, in our generation, to a point
36094 from which we can explore and understand and utilize it. To turn back now
36095 would be to deny our history, our capabilities.
36096 -- James A. Michener
36098 "My pants just went on a wild rampage through a Long Island Bowling
36100 -- Zippy the Pinhead
36102 My parents went to Niagra Falls and all I got was this crummy life.
36104 My pen is at the bottom of a page,
36105 Which, being finished, here the story ends;
36106 'Tis to be wished it had been sooner done,
36107 But stories somehow lengthen when begun.
36110 My philosophy is: Don't think.
36113 My problem lies in reconciling my gross habits with my net income.
36116 Any man who has $10,000 left when he dies is a failure.
36119 My rackets are run on strictly American
36120 lines, and they're going to stay that way.
36123 My religion consists of a humble admiration of the illimitable superior
36124 spirit who reveals himself in the slight details we are able to perceive
36125 with our frail and feeble mind.
36128 My ritual differs slightly. What I do, first thing [in the morning], is I
36129 hop into the shower stall. Then I hop right back out, because when I hopped
36130 in I landed barefoot right on top of See Threepio, a little plastic robot
36131 character from "Star Wars" whom my son, Robert, likes to pull the legs off
36132 of while he showers. Then I hop right back into the stall because our dog,
36133 Earnest, who has been alone in the basement all night building up powerful
36134 dog emotions, has come bounding and quivering into the bathroom and wants
36135 to greet me with 60 or 70 thousand playful nips, any one of which -- bear
36136 in mind that I am naked and, without my contact lenses, essentially blind
36137 -- could result in the kind of injury where you have to learn a whole new
36138 part if you want to sing the "Messiah," if you get my drift. Then I hop
36139 right back out, because Robert, with that uncanny sixth sense some children
36140 have -- you cannot teach it; they either have it or they don't -- has chosen
36141 exactly that moment to flush one of the toilets. Perhaps several of them.
36144 My schoolmates would make love to anything that moved, but I never saw any
36145 reason to limit myself.
36148 My sister opened a computer store in Hawaii.
36149 She sells C shells by the seashore.
36151 My soul is crushed, my spirit sore
36152 I do not like me anymore,
36153 I cavil, quarrel, grumble, grouse,
36154 I ponder on the narrow house
36155 I shudder at the thought of men
36156 I'm due to fall in love again.
36157 -- Dorothy Parker, "Enough Rope"
36159 My theology, briefly, is that the universe was dictated but not signed.
36160 -- Christopher Morley
36162 My uncle was the town drunk -- and we lived in Chicago.
36165 My way of joking is to tell the truth.
36166 That's the funniest joke in the world.
36169 "My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies"
36171 Mystics always hope that science will some day overtake them.
36172 -- Booth Tarkington
36175 The body of a primitive people's beliefs concerning its
36176 origin, early history, heroes, deities and so forth, as distinguished
36177 from the true accounts which it invents later.
36178 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
36180 Naches (rhymes with Bach' us, with "Bach" pronounced like the composer)
36181 is what every Jewish parent wants from their children, lots of good
36182 returns, good grades, good spouse, good grandchildren.
36184 So, now that you all understand naches, the joke:
36186 Two Jewish women are sitting having coffee.
36187 "So, how's your daughter?"
36188 "Oh, Rachel! She's fine, she just married a dentist!"
36189 "Really? Isn't she the one that married the lawyer?"
36190 "Yes, that's my Rachel."
36191 "That's... that's nice. But isn't she the same one that married
36194 "But didn't she marry a bank executive before that?"
36196 "Ahhh. So much naches from one child!"
36199 When it comes to foreign food, the less authentic the better.
36202 Nadia Comaneci, simple perfection.
36206 You can make it foolproof, but you can't make it
36209 'Naomi, sex at noon taxes.' I moan.
36211 A man, a plan, a canal, Panama.
36213 Sit on a potato pan, Otis.
36214 -- The Mad Palindromist
36216 NAPOLEON: What shall we do with this soldier, Guiseppe? Everything he
36218 GUISEPPE: Make him a general, Excellency, and then everything he says
36220 -- George Bernard Shaw, "The Man of Destiny"
36223 The contagious action of yawning, causing everyone in sight
36225 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
36227 Nasrudin called at a large house to collect for charity. The servant
36228 said "My master is out." Nasrudin replied, "Tell your master that next
36229 time he goes out, he should not leave his face at the window. Someone
36232 Nasrudin returned to his village from the imperial capital, and the
36233 villagers gathered around to hear what had passed. "At this time,"
36234 said Nasrudin, "I only want to say that the King spoke to me." All the
36235 villagers but the stupidest ran off to spread the wonderful news. The
36236 remaining villager asked, "What did the King say to you?" "What he
36237 said -- and quite distinctly, for everyone to hear -- was `Get out of
36238 my way!'" The simpleton was overjoyed; he had heard words actually
36239 spoken by the King, and seen the very man they were spoken to.
36241 Nasrudin walked into a shop one day, and the owner came forward to
36242 serve him. Nasrudin said, "First things first. Did you see me walk
36243 into your shop?" "Of course." "Have you ever seen me before?"
36244 "Never." "Then how do you know it was me?"
36246 Nasrudin walked into a teahouse and declaimed, "The moon is more useful
36247 than the sun." "Why?", he was asked. "Because at night we need the
36250 Nasrudin was carrying home a piece of liver and the recipe for liver
36251 pie. Suddenly a bird of prey swooped down and snatched the piece of
36252 meat from his hand. As the bird flew off, Nasrudin called after it,
36253 "Foolish bird! You have the liver, but what can you do with it without
36256 National security is in your hands - guard it well.
36258 Natives who beat drums to drive off evil spirits are objects of
36259 scorn to smart Americans who blow horns to break up traffic jams.
36260 -- Mary Ellen Kelly
36262 Natural laws have no pity.
36264 Naturally the common people don't want war... but after all it is the leaders
36265 of a country who determine the policy, and it is always a simple matter to
36266 drag the people along, whether it is a democracy, or a fascist dictatorship,
36267 or a parliament, or a communist dictatorship. Voice or no voice, the people
36268 can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you
36269 have to do is tell them they are being attacked, and denounce the pacifists
36270 for lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same
36274 Nature abhors a hero. For one thing, he violates the law of
36275 conservation of energy. For another, how can it be the survival of the
36276 fittest when the fittest keeps putting himself in situations where he
36277 is most likely to be creamed?
36280 Nature abhors a virgin -- a frozen asset.
36281 -- Clare Booth Luce
36283 Nature always sides with the hidden flaw.
36285 Nature and nature's laws lay hid in night,
36286 God said, "Let Newton be," and all was light.
36288 It did not last; the devil howling "Ho!
36289 Let Einstein be!" restored the status quo.
36291 Nature has given women so much power that the law has very wisely
36293 -- Dr. Samuel Johnson
36295 Nature is by and large to be found out of doors, a location where, it
36296 cannot be argued, there are never enough comfortable chairs.
36299 Nature makes boys and girls lovely to look upon so they can be
36300 tolerated until they acquire some sense.
36303 Nature to all things fixed the limits fit,
36304 And wisely curbed proud man's pretending wit.
36305 As on the land while here the ocean gains,
36306 In other parts it leaves wide sandy plains;
36307 Thus in the soul while memory prevails,
36308 The solid power of understanding fails;
36309 Where beams of warm imagination play,
36310 The memory's soft figures melt away.
36311 -- Alexander Pope (on runtime bounds checking?)
36313 Nature, to be commanded, must be obeyed.
36316 Near the Studio Jean Cocteau
36317 On the Rue des Ecoles
36320 Every evening I would see him
36321 guiding the dog along
36322 the sidewalk, keeping
36323 a firm grip on the leash
36324 so that the dog wouldn't
36325 run into a passerby
36326 Sometimes the dog would stop
36327 and look up at the sky
36329 noticed me watching the dog
36330 and he said, "Oh, yes,
36332 when the moon is out,
36333 he can feel it on his face"
36336 Nearly all men can stand adversity, but
36337 if you want to test a man's character, give him power.
36340 Nearly every complex solution to a programming problem that I
36341 have looked at carefully has turned out to be wrong.
36344 Necessity has no law.
36347 Necessity hath no law.
36350 Necessity is a mother.
36352 "Necessity is the mother of invention" is a silly proverb. "Necessity
36353 is the mother of futile dodges" is much nearer the truth.
36354 -- Alfred North Whitehead
36356 Necessity is the plea for every infringement of human freedom.
36357 It is the argument of tyrants; it is the creed of slaves.
36358 -- William Pitt, 1783
36360 Neckties strangle clear thinking.
36363 Needs are a function of what other people have.
36365 Negative expectations yield negative results.
36366 Positive expectations yield negative results.
36368 Neglect of duty does not cease, by repetition, to be neglect of duty.
36371 Neil Armstrong tripped.
36373 Neither spread the germs of gossip nor encourage others to do so.
36375 Nemo me impune lacessit
36376 [No one provokes me with impunity]
36377 -- Motto of the Crown of Scotland
36380 Plastic pouch worn in breast pocket to keep pens from soiling
36381 clothes. Nerd's position in engineering hierarchy can be
36382 measured by number of pens, grease pencils, and rulers bristling
36386 Melancholia's blue.
36390 Neurotics build castles in the sky,
36391 Psychotics live in them,
36392 And psychiatrists collect the rent.
36394 Neutrinos are into physicists.
36396 Neutrinos have bad breadth.
36399 An explosive device of limited military value because, as
36400 it only destroys people without destroying property, it
36401 must be used in conjunction with bombs that destroy property.
36403 Never accept an invitation from a stranger unless he gives you candy.
36406 Never appeal to a man's "better nature." He may not have one.
36407 Invoking his self-interest gives you more leverage.
36410 Never argue with a fool -- people might not be able to tell the difference.
36412 Never argue with a man who buys ink by the barrel.
36414 Never argue with a woman when she's tired -- or rested.
36416 Never ask the barber if you need a haircut.
36418 Never ask two questions in a business letter. The reply will discuss
36419 the one you are least interested, and say nothing about the other.
36421 Never be afraid to tell the world who you are.
36424 Never be led astray onto the path of virtue.
36426 Never buy from a rich salesman.
36429 Never buy what you do not want
36430 because it is cheap; it will be dear to you.
36431 -- Thomas Jefferson
36433 Never call a man a fool; borrow from him.
36435 Never commit yourself! Let someone else commit you.
36437 Never count your chickens before they rip your lips off.
36439 Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.
36441 Never do today what you can put off until tomorrow.
36443 Never drink Coca-Cola in a moving elevator. The elevator's motion coupled
36444 with the chemicals in Coke produce hallucinations. People tend to change
36445 into lizards and attack without warning, and large bats usually fly in the
36446 window. (Additionally, you begin to believe that elevators have windows.)
36448 Never drink coke in a moving elevator. The elevator's motion coupled
36449 with the chemicals in coke produce hallucinations. People tend to
36450 change into lizards and attack without warning, and large bats usually
36451 fly in the window. Additionally, you begin to believe that elevators
36454 Never drink from your finger bowl -- it contains only water.
36456 Never eat anything bigger than your head.
36458 Never eat at a place called Mom's. Never play cards with a man named Doc.
36459 And never lie down with a woman who's got more troubles than you.
36460 -- Nelson Algren, "What Every Young Man Should Know"
36462 Never eat more than you can lift.
36465 Never, ever lie to someone you love unless you're
36466 absolutely sure they'll never find out the truth.
36468 Never explain. Your friends do not need it
36469 and your enemies will never believe you anyway.
36472 Never face facts; if you do you'll never get up in the morning.
36475 Never forget what a man says to you when he is angry.
36477 Never frighten a small man -- he'll kill you.
36479 Never get into fights with ugly people because they have nothing to lose.
36481 Never give an inch!
36483 Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
36486 Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
36487 -- Phyllis Diller, "Phyllis Diller's Housekeeping Hints"
36489 Never have children, only grandchildren.
36492 Never have so many understood so little about so much.
36495 Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
36497 Never insult an alligator until you've crossed the river.
36499 Never invest your money in anything that eats or needs repainting.
36502 Never keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level.
36505 Never kick a man, unless he's down.
36507 Never laugh at live dragons.
36508 -- Bilbo Baggins, "The Hobbit"
36510 Never leave anything to chance;
36511 make sure all your crimes are premeditated.
36513 Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.
36516 Never let someone who says it cannot be done
36517 interrupt the person who is doing it.
36519 Never let your schooling interfere with your education.
36521 Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right.
36522 -- Salvor Hardin, "Foundation"
36524 Never look a gift horse in the mouth.
36527 Never look up when dragons fly overhead.
36529 Never make anything simple and efficient when a way can be found to
36530 make it complex and wonderful.
36532 Never offend people with style when you can offend them with
36534 -- Sam Brown, "The Washington Post", January 26, 1977
36536 Never offend with style when you can offend with substance.
36538 Never pay a compliment as if expecting a receipt.
36540 Never play pool with anyone named "Fats".
36542 Never promise more than you can perform.
36545 Never put off till run-time what you can do at compile-time.
36548 Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid all together.
36550 Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after.
36552 Never put off until tomorrow what you can do today. There might be a
36553 law against it by that time.
36555 Never raise your hand to your children -- it leaves your midsection
36559 Never reveal your best argument.
36561 Never say "Oops" in an operating room.
36563 Never say you know a man until you have divided an inheritance with him.
36565 Never settle with words what you can accomplish with a flame thrower.
36567 Never sleep with a woman whose troubles are worse than your own.
36570 Never speak ill of yourself, your friends will always say enough on
36572 -- Charles-Maurice De Talleyrand
36574 NEVER swerve to hit a lawyer riding a bicycle -- it might be your bicycle.
36576 Never tell. Not if you love your wife ... In fact, if your old lady walks
36577 in on you, deny it. Yeah. Just flat out and she'll believe it: "I'm
36578 tellin' ya. This chick came downstairs with a sign around her neck `Lay
36579 On Top Of Me Or I'll Die'. I didn't know what I was gonna do..."
36582 Never tell a lie unless it is absolutely convenient.
36584 Never tell people how to do things. Tell them WHAT to
36585 do and they will surprise you with their ingenuity.
36586 -- Gen. George S. Patton, Jr.
36588 Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.
36591 Never trust a child farther than you can throw it.
36593 Never trust a computer you can't repair yourself.
36595 Never trust an automatic pistol or a D.A.'s deal.
36598 Never trust an operating system.
36600 Never trust anybody whose arm is bigger than your leg.
36602 Never trust anyone who says money is no object.
36604 Never try to explain computers to a layman. It's easier to explain
36606 -- Robert A. Heinlein
36608 (Note, however, that virgins tend to know a lot about computers.)
36610 Never try to outstubborn a cat.
36611 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
36613 Never try to teach a pig to sing.
36614 It wastes your time and annoys the pig.
36616 Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes.
36617 -- Dr. Warren Jackson, Director, UTCS
36619 "Never underestimate the power of a small tactical nuclear weapon."
36621 Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.
36622 -- Robert A. Heinlein
36624 Never use "etc." -- it makes people think there is more where
36625 there is not or that there is not space to list it all, etc.
36627 Never volunteer for anything.
36630 Never worry about theory as long as the machinery does what it's
36632 -- Robert A. Heinlein
36635 Different color from previous model.
36637 New crypt. See /usr/news/crypt.
36639 New England Life, of course. Why?
36641 New England Life, of course. Why do you ask?
36643 New Hampshire law forbids you to tap your feet, nod your head, or in
36644 any way keep time to the music in a tavern, restaurant, or cafe.
36646 New members are urgently needed in the Society for Prevention of
36647 Cruelty to Yourself. Apply within.
36649 New members urgently required for SUICIDE CLUB, Watford area.
36650 -- Monty Python's Big Red Book
36653 Abortions are becoming so popular in some countries that the waiting
36654 time to get one is lengthening rapidly. Experts predict that at this
36655 rate there will soon be an up to a one year wait.
36657 New systems generate new problems.
36659 New Year's Eve is the time of year when a man most feels his age, and
36660 his wife most often reminds him to act it.
36661 -- Webster's Unafraid Dictionary
36663 New York is real. The rest is done with mirrors.
36665 New York now leads the world's great cities in the number of people around
36666 whom you shouldn't make a sudden move.
36669 New York-- to that tall skyline I come
36670 Flyin' in from London to your door
36671 New York-- lookin' down on Central Park
36672 Where they say you should not wander after dark.
36674 -- Simon and Garfunkel
36676 New York's got the ways and means, just won't let you be.
36678 New York's got the ways and means;
36679 Just won't let you be.
36680 -- The Grateful Dead
36683 An "acceptable" level of unemployment means that the government
36684 economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job.
36686 Newman's Discovery:
36687 Your best dreams may not come true;
36688 fortunately, neither will your worst dreams.
36690 Newpaper editors are men who separate the wheat from the chaff, and then
36695 Today the East German pole-vault champion became the West
36696 German pole-vault champion.
36701 Rodney Fenster looked up the shaft of elevator number four at
36702 1700 N. 17th St. this morning to see if the elevator was on its way down.
36705 Newton's Fourth Law: Every action has an equal and opposite satisfaction.
36707 Newton's Little-Known Seventh Law:
36708 A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.
36710 Next Friday will not be your lucky day. As a matter of fact, you don't
36711 have a lucky day this year.
36713 Next to being shot at and missed, nothing is really quite as satisfying
36714 as an income tax refund.
36717 Nice boy, but about as sharp as a sack of wet mice.
36720 Nice guys don't finish nice.
36722 Nice guys finish last.
36725 Nice guys finish last, but we get to sleep in.
36728 Nice guys get sick.
36730 Nick the Greek's Law of Life:
36731 All things considered, life is 9 to 5 against.
36733 Nietzsche is pietzsche.
36735 Nietzsche is pietzsche, Goethe is murder.
36737 Nietzsche says that we will live the same life, over and over again.
36738 God -- I'll have to sit through the Ice Capades again.
36739 -- Woody Allen, "Hannah and Her Sisters"
36741 Nihilism should commence with oneself.
36743 Niklaus Wirth has lamented that, whereas Europeans pronounce his name
36744 correctly (Ni-klows Virt), Americans invariably mangle it into
36745 (Nick-les Worth). Which is to say that Europeans call him by name, but
36746 Americans call him by value.
36748 Nine megs for the secretaries fair,
36749 Seven megs for the hackers scarce,
36750 Five megs for the grads in smoky lairs,
36751 Three megs for system source;
36753 One disk to rule them all,
36754 One disk to bind them,
36755 One disk to hold the files
36756 And in the darkness grind 'em.
36758 Nine-track tapes and seven-track tapes
36759 And tapes without any tracks;
36760 Stretchy tapes and snarley tapes
36761 And tapes mixed up on the racks --
36762 Take hold of the tape
36763 And pull off the strip,
36764 And then you'll be sure
36765 Your tape drive will skip.
36767 -- Uncle Colonel's Cursory Rhymes
36769 Ninety percent of the politicians give the other ten percent a bad reputation.
36772 "Ninety percent of the time things turn out worse than you thought they
36773 would. The other ten percent of the time you had no right to expect
36777 Ninety-Ninety Rule of Project Schedules:
36778 The first ninety percent of the task takes ninety percent of
36779 the time, and the last ten percent takes the other ninety percent.
36781 Nirvana? That's the place where the powers that be and their friends
36785 Nitwit ideas are for emergencies. You use them when you've got nothing
36786 else to try. If they work, they go in the Book. Otherwise you follow
36787 the Book, which is largely a collection of nitwit ideas that worked.
36788 -- Larry Niven, "The Mote in God's Eye"
36790 No act of kindness, no matter how small, is ever wasted.
36793 No amount of careful planning will ever replace dumb luck.
36795 No amount of genius can overcome a preoccupation with detail.
36797 No animal should ever jump on the dining room furniture unless
36798 absolutely certain he can hold his own in conversation.
36801 No bird soars too high if he soars with his own wings.
36805 A decision which, viewed through the retrospectoscope,
36806 is "obvious" to those who failed to make it originally.
36808 No character, however upright, is a match for
36809 constantly reiterated attacks, however false.
36810 -- Alexander Hamilton
36812 No Civil War picture ever made a nickel.
36813 -- MGM executive Irving Thalberg to Louis B. Mayer about
36814 film rights to "Gone With the Wind".
36815 Cerf/Navasky, "The Experts Speak"
36817 No committee could ever come up with anything as revolutionary as a
36818 camel -- anything as practical and as perfectly designed to perform
36819 effectively under such difficult conditions.
36820 -- Laurence J. Peter
36824 No discipline is ever requisite to force attendance upon
36825 lectures which are really worth the attending.
36826 -- Adam Smith, "The Wealth of Nations"
36828 No doubt Jack the Ripper excused himself
36829 on the grounds that it was human nature.
36831 "No, `Eureka' is Greek for `This bath is too hot.'"
36834 No evil can happen to a good man.
36837 No excellent soul is exempt from a mixture of madness.
36840 No extensible language will be universal.
36843 No friendship is so cordial or so delicious as that of girl for girl;
36844 no hatred so intense or immovable as that of woman for woman.
36847 No good deed goes unpunished.
36848 -- Clare Boothe Luce
36850 No group of professionals meets except to
36851 conspire against the public at large.
36854 No guest is so welcome in a friend's house that
36855 he will not become a nuisance after three days.
36856 -- Titus Maccius Plautus
36860 No hardware designer should be allowed to produce any piece of hardware
36861 until three software guys have signed off for it.
36864 No, his mind is not for rent
36865 To any god or government.
36866 Always hopeful, yet discontent,
36867 He knows changes aren't permanent -
36870 No house is childproofed unless the little darlings are in straitjackets.
36872 No house should ever be on any hill or on anything.
36873 It should be of the hill, belonging to it.
36874 -- Frank Lloyd Wright
36876 No, I don't have a drinking problem.
36877 I drink, I get drunk, I fall down. No problem!
36879 No, I'm not interested in developing a powerful brain. All I'm after is
36880 just a mediocre brain, something like the president of American Telephone
36881 and Telegraph Company.
36882 -- Alan Turing on the possibilities of a thinking
36885 No is no negative in a woman's mouth.
36888 "No job too big; no fee too big!"
36889 -- Dr. Peter Venkman, "Ghost-busters"
36891 No line available at 300 baud.
36893 No live organism can continue for long to exist sanely under conditions of
36894 absolute reality; even larks and katydids are supposed, by some, to dream.
36895 Hill House, not sane, stood by itself against its hills, holding darkness
36896 within; it had stood so for eighty years and might stand for eighty more.
36897 Within, walls continued upright, bricks met neatly, floors were firm, and
36898 doors were sensibly shut; silence lay steadily against the wood and stone
36899 of Hill House, and whatever walked there, walked alone.
36900 -- Shirley Jackson, "The Haunting of Hill House"
36905 No man can have a reasonable opinion of women until he has long lost
36906 interest in hair restorers.
36909 No man in the world has more courage than the man who can stop after
36911 -- Channing Pollock
36913 No man is an Iland, intire of it selfe; every man is a peece of the
36914 Continent, a part of the maine; if a Clod bee washed away by the Sea,
36915 Europe is the lesse, as well as if a Promontorie were, as well as if
36916 a Mannor of thy friends or of thine owne were; any mans death diminishes
36917 me, because I am involved in Mankinde; And therefore never send to know
36918 for whom the bell tolls; It tolls for thee.
36919 -- John Donne, "No Man is an Iland"
36921 No man is an island, but some of us are long peninsulas.
36923 No man is an island if he's on at least one mailing list.
36925 No man is useless who has a friend,
36926 and if we are loved we are indispensable.
36927 -- Robert Louis Stevenson
36929 No man would listen to you talk if he didn't know it was his turn next.
36932 No man's ambition has a right to stand in
36933 the way of performing a simple act of justice.
36936 No Marxist can deny that the interests of socialism are higher
36937 than the interests of the right of nations to self-determination.
36940 No matter how celebrated the beauty of a woman, I would never spend a night
36941 with her. The only celebrity with whom I would share a night is Max Planck.
36942 But he is dead. So I live like a monk, aside from a little self gratification
36946 No matter how cynical you get, it's impossible to keep up.
36948 No matter how much you do you never do enough.
36950 No matter how old a mother is, she watches her middle-aged children for
36951 signs of improvement.
36952 -- Florida Scott-Maxwell
36954 No matter how subtle the wizard, a knife in the shoulder blades will
36955 seriously cramp his style.
36957 No matter what happens, there is always someone who knew it would.
36959 No matter what other nations may say about the United States,
36960 immigration is still the sincerest form of flattery.
36962 No matter where I go, the place is always called "here".
36964 No matter who you are, some scholar can show you
36965 the great idea you had was had by someone before you.
36967 No matther whether th' constitution follows th' flag or not,
36968 th' supreme court follows th' iliction returns.
36971 No modern woman with a grain of sense ever sends little notes to an
36972 unmarried man -- not until she is married, anyway.
36975 No, my friend, the way to have good and safe government, is not to trust it
36976 all to one, but to divide it among the many, distributing to every one exactly
36977 the functions he is competent to. It is by dividing and subdividing these
36978 republics from the national one down through all its subordinations, until it
36979 ends in the administration of every man's farm by himself; by placing under
36980 every one what his own eye may superintend, that all will be done for the best.
36981 -- Thomas Jefferson, to Joseph Cabell, 1816
36983 No one becomes depraved in a moment.
36984 -- Decimus Junius Juvenalis
36986 No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish.
36988 No one can have a higher opinion of him than I have, and I think he's a
36989 dirty little beast.
36992 No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
36993 -- Eleanor Roosevelt
36995 No one can put you down without your full cooperation.
36997 No one gets sick on Wednesdays.
36999 No one gets too old to learn a new way of being stupid.
37001 No one has a higher opinion of him than he has.
37002 -- Greg Lehey, FreeBSDcon 1999
37004 No one knows like a woman how to say
37005 things that are at once gentle and deep.
37008 No one knows what he can do till he tries.
37011 No one regards what is before his feet; we all gaze at the stars.
37014 No one so thoroughly appreciates the value of constructive criticism as the
37015 one who's giving it.
37018 NO OPIUM-SMOKING IN THE ELEVATORS
37019 -- sign in the Rand Hotel, New York, 1907
37021 No part of this message may reproduce, store itself in a retrieval
37022 system, or transmit disease, in any form, without the permissiveness of
37026 No pig should go sky diving during monsoon
37027 For this isn't really the norm.
37028 But should a fat swine try to soar like a loon,
37029 So what? Any pork in a storm.
37031 No pig should go sky diving during monsoon,
37032 It's risky enough when the weather is fine.
37033 But to have a pig soar when the monsoon doth roar
37034 Cast even more perils before swine.
37036 No plain fanfold paper could hold that fractal Puff --
37037 He grew so fast no plotting pack could shrink him far enough.
37038 Compiles and simulations grew so quickly tame
37039 And swapped out all their data space when Puff pushed his stack frame.
37041 Puff the fractal dragon was written in C,
37042 And frolicked while processes switched in mainframe memory.
37043 Puff the fractal dragon was written in C,
37044 And frolicked while processes switched in mainframe memory.
37045 Puff, he grew so quickly, while others moved like snails
37046 And mini-Puffs would perch themselves on his gigantic tail.
37047 All the student hackers loved that fractal Puff
37048 But DCS did not like Puff, and finally said, "Enough!"
37050 Puff used more resources than DCS could spare.
37051 The operator killed Puff's job -- he didn't seem to care.
37052 A gloom fell on the hackers; it seemed to be the end,
37053 But Puff trapped the exception, and grew from naught again!
37056 No poet or novelist wishes he was the only one who ever lived, but most of
37057 them wish they were the only one alive, and quite a number fondly believe
37058 their wish has been granted.
37059 -- W. H. Auden, "The Dyer's Hand"
37061 No problem is insoluble in all conceivable circumstances.
37063 No problem is so formidable that you can't just walk away from it.
37065 No problem is so formidable that you can't just walk away from it.
37068 No problem is so large it can't be fit in somewhere.
37070 "No program is perfect,"
37071 They said with a shrug.
37072 "The customer's happy--
37073 What's one little bug?"
37075 But he was determined, Then change two, then three more,
37076 The others went home. As year followed year.
37077 He dug out the flow chart And strangers would comment,
37078 Deserted, alone. "Is that guy still here?"
37080 Night passed into morning. He died at the console
37081 The room was cluttered Of hunger and thirst
37082 With core dumps, source listings. Next day he was buried
37083 "I'm close," he muttered. Face down, nine edge first.
37085 Chain smoking, cold coffee, And his wife through her tears
37086 Logic, deduction. Accepted his fate.
37087 "I've got it!" he cried, Said "He's not really gone,
37088 "Just change one instruction." He's just working late."
37089 -- The Perfect Programmer
37091 "No proper program contains an indication which as an operator-applied
37092 occurrence identifies an operator-defining occurrence which as an
37093 indication-applied occurrence identifies an indication-defining
37094 occurrence different from the one identified by the given indication as
37095 an indication-applied occurrence."
37098 No question is so difficult as one to which the answer is obvious.
37100 No rock so hard but that a little wave
37101 May beat admission in a thousand years.
37104 No self-made man ever did such a good job
37105 that some woman didn't want to make some alterations.
37108 No self-respecting fish would want to be wrapped in that kind of paper.
37109 -- Mike Royko on the Chicago Sun-Times after it was
37110 taken over by Rupert Murdoch
37112 No skis take rocks like rental skis!
37114 No small art is it to sleep: it is necessary
37115 for that purpose to keep awake all day.
37116 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
37118 No snowflake in an avalanche ever feels responsible.
37120 No sooner had Edger Allen Poe
37121 Finished his old Raven,
37122 then he started his Old Crow.
37124 No sooner said than done -- so acts your man of worth.
37127 No spitting on the Bus!
37128 Thank you, The Management.
37130 No television performance takes as much preparation as an off-the-cuff talk.
37133 No two persons ever read the same book.
37136 No use getting too involved in life --
37137 you're only here for a limited time.
37139 No woman can endure a gambling husband, unless he is a steady winner.
37140 -- Lord Thomas Dewar
37142 No woman ever falls in love with a man unless she has a better opinion of
37143 him than he deserves.
37146 No wonder Clairol makes so much money selling shampoo.
37147 Lather, Rinse, Repeat is an infinite loop!
37149 No wonder you're tired! You understood so much today.
37151 No yak too dirty; no dumpster too hollow.
37153 Nobody can be as agreeable as an uninvited guest.
37155 Nobody can be exactly like me. Sometimes even I have trouble doing it.
37156 -- Tallulah Bankhead
37158 Nobody ever died from oven crude poisoning.
37160 Nobody ever forgets where he buried the hatchet.
37163 Nobody ever ruined their eyesight by looking at the bright side of something.
37165 NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION.
37167 Nobody is one block of harmony. We are all afraid of something, or feel
37168 limited in something. We all need somebody to talk to. It would be good
37169 if we talked to each other--not just pitter-patter, but real talk. We
37170 shouldn't be so afraid, because most people really like this contact;
37171 that you show you are vulnerable makes them free to be vulnerable too.
37172 It's so much easier to be together when we drop our masks.
37175 Nobody knows the trouble I've been.
37177 Nobody knows what goes between his cold toes and his warm ears.
37181 Everybody hates me,
37182 I think I'll go out and eat worms.
37183 I'm gonna cut their heads off,
37184 Eat their insides out,
37185 And throw way the skins.
37186 Big, fat, juicy ones,
37187 Little, skinny, cute ones,
37188 Watch how they wiggle and they squirm.
37190 Nobody really knows what happiness is, until they're married.
37191 And then it's too late.
37193 Nobody said computers were going to be polite.
37196 -- Frank Gusenberg, his last words, when asked by police
37197 who had shot him 14 times with a machine gun in the Saint
37198 Valentine's Day Massacre.
37200 Only Capone kills like that.
37201 -- George "Bugs" Moran, on the Saint Valentine's Day Massacre
37203 The only man who kills like that is Bugs Moran.
37204 -- Al Capone, on the Saint Valentine's Day Massacre
37206 Nobody suffers the pain of birth or the anguish of loving a child in
37207 order for presidents to make wars, for governments to feed on the
37208 substance of their people, for insurance companies to cheat the young
37212 Nobody takes a bribe. Of course at Christmas if you happen to hold out
37213 your hat and somebody happens to put a little something in it, well, that's
37215 -- New York City Police Commissioner (Ret.) William P.
37216 O'Brien, instructions to the force.
37218 Nobody wants constructive criticism.
37219 It's all we can do to put up with constructive praise.
37221 Nobody's gonna believe that computers are intelligent until they start
37222 coming in late and lying about it.
37226 Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has
37227 merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid.
37231 A legal term meaning: "I didn't do it, judge, and I'll never do
37235 New Yorkerese for expensive.
37241 Non-Determinism is not meant to be reasonable.
37244 Nondeterminism means never having to say you are wrong.
37246 None love the bearer of bad news.
37249 None of our men are "experts." We have most unfortunately found it necessary
37250 to get rid of a man as soon as he thinks himself an expert -- because no one
37251 ever considers himself expert if he really knows his job. A man who knows a
37252 job sees so much more to be done than he has done, that he is always pressing
37253 forward and never gives up an instant of thought to how good and how efficient
37254 he is. Thinking always ahead, thinking always of trying to do more, brings a
37255 state of mind in which nothing is impossible. The moment one gets into the
37256 "expert" state of mind a great number of things become impossible.
37257 -- From Henry Ford Sr., "My Life and Work"
37259 Non-Reciprocal Laws of Expectations:
37260 Negative expectations yield negative results.
37261 Positive expectations yield negative results.
37263 Nonsense. Space is blue and birds fly through it.
37266 Nonsense and beauty have close connections.
37269 Non-sequiturs make me eat lampshades.
37271 Noone ever built a statue to a critic.
37273 No-one would remember the Good Samaritan if he had only had good
37274 intentions. He had money as well.
37275 -- Margaret Thatcher
37277 Norbert Weiner was the subject of many dotty professor stories. Weiner was, in
37278 fact, very absent minded. The following story is told about him: when they
37279 moved from Cambridge to Newton his wife, knowing that he would be absolutely
37280 useless on the move, packed him off to MIT while she directed the move. Since
37281 she was certain that he would forget that they had moved and where they had
37282 moved to, she wrote down the new address on a piece of paper, and gave it to
37283 him. Naturally, in the course of the day, an insight occurred to him. He
37284 reached in his pocket, found a piece of paper on which he furiously scribbled
37285 some notes, thought it over, decided there was a fallacy in his idea, and
37286 threw the piece of paper away. At the end of the day he went home (to the
37287 old address in Cambridge, of course). When he got there he realized that they
37288 had moved, that he had no idea where they had moved to, and that the piece of
37289 paper with the address was long gone. Fortunately inspiration struck. There
37290 was a young girl on the street and he conceived the idea of asking her where
37291 he had moved to, saying, "Excuse me, perhaps you know me. I'm Norbert Weiner
37292 and we've just moved. Would you know where we've moved to?" To which the
37293 young girl replied, "Yes, Daddy, Mommy thought you would forget."
37294 The capper to the story is that I asked his daughter (the girl in the
37295 story) about the truth of the story, many years later. She said that it wasn't
37296 quite true -- that he never forgot who his children were! The rest of it,
37297 however, was pretty close to what actually happened...
37300 Norm: Gentlemen, start your taps.
37301 -- Cheers, The Coach's Daughter
37303 Coach: How's life treating you, Norm?
37304 Norm: Like it caught me in bed with his wife.
37305 -- Cheers, Any Friend of Diane's
37307 Coach: How's life, Norm?
37308 Norm: Not for the squeamish, Coach.
37309 -- Cheers, Friends, Romans, and Accountants
37311 Norm: Hey, everybody.
37312 All: [silence; everybody is mad at Norm for being rich.]
37313 Norm: [Carries on both sides of the conversation himself.]
37315 How are you feeling today, Norm?
37316 Rich and thirsty. Pour me a beer.
37317 -- Cheers, Tan 'n Wash
37319 Woody: What's the latest, Mr. Peterson?
37320 Norm: Zha-Zha marries a millionaire, Peterson drinks a beer.
37322 -- Cheers, Knights of the Scimitar
37324 Woody: How are you today, Mr. Peterson?
37325 Norm: Never been better, Woody. ... Just once I'd like to be better.
37326 -- Cheers, Chambers vs. Malone
37328 [Norm comes in with an attractive woman.]
37330 Coach: Normie, Normie, could this be Vera?
37331 Norm: With a lot of expensive surgery, maybe.
37332 -- Cheers, Norman's Conquest
37334 Coach: What's up, Normie?
37335 Norm: The temperature under my collar, Coach.
37336 -- Cheers, I'll Be Seeing You (Part 2)
37338 Coach: What would you say to a nice beer, Normie?
37340 -- Cheers, Diane Meets Mom
37342 [Norm goes into the bar at Vic's Bowl-A-Rama.]
37344 Off-screen crowd: Norm!
37345 Sam: How the hell do they know him here?
37346 Cliff: He's got a life, you know.
37347 -- Cheers, From Beer to Eternity
37349 Woody: What can I do for you, Mr. Peterson?
37350 Norm: Elope with my wife.
37351 -- Cheers, The Triangle
37353 Woody: How's life, Mr. Peterson?
37354 Norm: Oh, I'm waiting for the movie.
37355 -- Cheers, Take My Shirt... Please?
37359 Woody: What can I get you, Mr. Peterson?
37360 Norm: Clifford Clavin's head.
37361 -- Cheers, The Triangle
37363 Sam: Hey, what's happening, Norm?
37364 Norm: Well, it's a dog-eat-dog world, Sammy,
37365 and I'm wearing Milk-Bone underwear.
37366 -- Cheers, The Peterson Principle
37368 Sam: How's life in the fast lane, Normie?
37369 Norm: Beats me, I can't find the on-ramp.
37370 -- Cheers, Diane Chambers Day
37372 [Norm returns from the hospital.]
37374 Coach: What's up, Norm?
37375 Norm: Everything that's supposed to be.
37376 -- Cheers, Diane Meets Mom
37378 Sam: What's new, Normie?
37379 Norm: Terrorists, Sam. They've taken over my stomach.
37380 They're demanding beer.
37381 -- Cheers, The Heart is a Lonely Snipehunter
37383 Coach: What'll it be, Normie?
37384 Norm: Just the usual, Coach. I'll have a froth of beer and a snorkel.
37385 -- Cheers, King of the Hill
37387 [Norm tries to prove that he is not Anton Kreitzer.]
37388 Norm: Afternoon, everybody!
37390 -- Cheers, The Two Faces of Norm
37392 Woody: What's going on, Mr. Peterson?
37393 Norm: A flashing sign in my gut that says, `Insert beer here.'
37394 -- Cheers, Call Me, Irresponsible
37396 Sam: What can I get you, Norm?
37397 Norm: [scratching his beard] Got any flea powder? Ah, just kidding.
37398 Gimme a beer; I think I'll just drown the little suckers.
37399 -- Cheers, Two Girls for Every Boyd
37401 Normal times may possibly be over forever.
37403 Normally our rules are rigid; we tend to discretion, if for no other
37404 reason than self-protection. We never recommend any of our graduates,
37405 although we cheerfully provide information as to those who have failed
37407 -- Jack Vance, "Freitzke's Turn"
37409 Nostalgia is living life in the past lane.
37411 Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
37413 Nostalgia just isn't what it used to be.
37415 Not all men who drink are poets.
37416 Some of us drink because we aren't poets.
37418 Not all who own a harp are harpers.
37419 -- Marcus Terentius Varro
37421 Not drinking, chasing women, or doing drugs won't
37422 make you live longer -- it just seems that way.
37424 Not every problem someone has with his girlfriend is necessarily due to
37425 the capitalist mode of production.
37428 Not every question deserves an answer.
37430 Not everything worth doing is worth doing well.
37432 Not far from here, by a white sun, behind a green star, lived the
37433 Steelypips, illustrious, industrious, and they hadn't a care: no spats
37434 in their vats, no rules, no schools, no gloom, no evil influence of the
37435 moon, no trouble from matter or antimatter -- for they had a machine, a
37436 dream of a machine, with springs and gears and perfect in every
37437 respect. And they lived with it, and on it, and under it, and inside
37438 it, for it was all they had -- first they saved up all their atoms,
37439 then they put them all together, and if one didn't fit, why they
37440 chipped at it a bit, and everything was just fine ...
37441 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
37443 Not Hercules could have knock'd out his brains, for he had none.
37444 -- William Shakespeare
37446 "Not only is this incomprehensible, but the ink is ugly and the paper
37447 is from the wrong kind of tree."
37448 -- Professor W., EECS, George Washington University
37450 Not only is this incomprehensible, but the ink is
37451 ugly and the paper is from the wrong kind of tree.
37452 -- Professor, EECS, George Washington University
37454 I'm looking forward to working with you on this next year.
37455 -- Professor, Harvard, on a senior thesis
37457 Not only is UNIX dead, it's starting to smell really bad.
37460 Not that we needed all that stuff, but when you get locked into a
37461 serious drug collection the tendency is to push it as far as you can.
37462 -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas"
37464 Not to laugh, not to lament, not to curse, but to understand.
37467 NOTE: No warranties, either express or implied, are hereby given.
37468 All software is supplied as is, without guarantee. The user assumes
37469 all responsibility for damages resulting from the use of these
37470 features, including, but not limited to, frustration, disgust, system
37471 abends, disk head-crashes, general malfeasance, floods, fires, shark
37472 attack, nerve gas, locust infestation, cyclones, hurricanes, tsunamis,
37473 local electromagnetic disruptions, hydraulic brake system failure,
37474 invasion, hashing collisions, normal wear and tear of friction
37475 surfaces, comic radiation, inadvertent destruction of sensitive
37476 electronic components, windstorms, the Riders of Nazgul, infuriated
37477 chickens, malfunctioning mechanical or electrical sexual devices,
37478 premature activation of the distant early warning system, peasant
37479 uprisings, halitosis, artillery bombardment, explosions, cave-ins,
37480 and/or frogs falling from the sky.
37482 Note to myself: use real bullets next time.
37484 Notes for a ballet, "The Spell": ... Suddenly Sigmund hears the flutter
37485 of wings, and a group of wild swans flies across the moon ... Sigmund
37486 is astounded to see that their leader is part swan and part woman --
37487 unfortunately, divided lengthwise. She enchants Sigmund, who is
37488 careful not to make any poultry jokes ...
37491 Nothing astonishes men so much as common sense and plain dealing.
37492 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
37494 Nothing can be done in one trip.
37497 Nothing cures insomnia like the realization that it's time to get up.
37499 Nothing endures but change.
37501 [Yeah, yeah, "Everything changes but change itself." --JFK Ed.]
37503 Nothing ever becomes real till it is experienced -- even a
37504 proverb is no proverb to you till your life has illustrated it.
37507 Nothing in life is so exhilarating as to be shot at without result.
37508 -- Winston Churchill
37510 Next to being shot at and missed, nothing is really quite as
37511 satisfying as an income tax refund.
37514 Nothing in life is to be feared. It is only to be understood.
37516 Nothing increases your golf score like witnesses.
37518 Nothing is as simple as it seems at first
37519 Or as hopeless as it seems in the middle
37520 Or as finished as it seems in the end.
37522 Nothing is but what is not.
37524 Nothing is ever a total loss; it can always serve as a bad example.
37526 Nothing is faster than the speed of light ...
37528 To prove this to yourself, try opening the refrigerator door before the
37531 Nothing is finished until the paperwork is done.
37533 Nothing is illegal if one hundred businessmen decide to do it.
37536 Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.
37539 Nothing is more admirable than the fortitude with which millionaires
37540 tolerate the disadvantages of their wealth.
37543 Nothing is more quiet than the sound of hair going grey.
37545 Nothing is rich but the inexhaustible wealth of nature.
37546 She shows us only surfaces, but she is a million fathoms deep.
37547 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
37549 Nothing is so firmly believed as that which we least know.
37550 -- Michel de Montaigne
37552 Nothing is so often irretrievably missed as a daily opportunity.
37553 -- Ebner-Eschenbach
37555 Nothing lasts forever.
37556 Where do I find nothing?
37558 Nothing makes a person more productive than the last minute.
37560 Nothing makes one so vain as being told that one is a sinner.
37561 Conscience makes egotists of us all.
37564 Nothing matters very much, and few things matter at all.
37567 Nothing motivates a man more than to
37568 see his boss put in an honest day's work.
37570 Nothing, nothing, nothing, no error, no crime is so absolutely
37571 repugnant to God as everything which is official; and why? because
37572 the official is so impersonal and therefore the deepest insult
37573 which can be offered to a personality.
37574 -- Soren Kierkegaard
37576 Nothing recedes like success.
37579 Nothing shortens a journey so pleasantly as an account of misfortunes at
37580 which the hearer is permitted to laugh.
37583 Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits.
37586 Nothing succeeds like excess.
37589 Nothing succeeds like success.
37592 Nothing succeeds like the appearance of success.
37593 -- Christopher Lascl
37595 Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love.
37598 Nothing that's forced can ever be right,
37599 If it doesn't come naturally, leave it.
37600 That's what she said as she turned out the light,
37601 And we bent our backs as slaves of the night,
37602 Then she lowered her guard and showed me the scars
37603 She got from trying to fight
37604 Saying, oh, you'd better believe it.
37606 Well nothing that's real is ever for free
37607 And you just have to pay for it sometime.
37608 She said it before, she said it to me,
37609 I suppose she believed there was nothing to see,
37610 But the same old four imaginary walls
37611 She'd built for livin' inside
37612 I said oh, you just can't mean it.
37614 Well nothing that's forced can ever be right,
37615 If it doesn't come naturally, leave it.
37616 That's what she said as she turned out the light,
37617 And she may have been wrong, and she may have been right,
37618 But I woke with the frost, and noticed she'd lost
37619 The veil that covered her eyes,
37620 I said oh, you can leave it.
37621 -- Al Stewart, "If It Doesn't Come Naturally, Leave It"
37623 Nothing will dispel enthusiasm like a small admission fee.
37626 Nothing will ever be attempted
37627 if all possible objections must be first overcome.
37631 Anyone seen smoking will be assumed to be on fire and will
37632 be summarily put out.
37636 -- THE ELEVATORS WILL BE OUT OF ORDER TODAY --
37638 (The nearest working elevator is in the building across the street.)
37640 Nouvelle cuisine, n:
37641 French for "not enough food".
37643 Continental breakfast, n:
37644 English for "not enough food".
37647 Spanish for "not enough food".
37650 Chinese for more food than you've ever seen in your entire life.
37653 The eleventh twelfth of a weariness.
37654 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
37656 Novinson's Revolutionary Discovery:
37658 When comes the revolution, things will be different --
37659 not better, just different.
37661 Now and then an innocent man is sent to the legislature.
37663 Now and then an innocent person is sent to the legislature.
37665 Now hatred is by far the longest pleasure;
37666 Men love in haste, but they detest at leisure.
37667 -- George Gordon, Lord Byron, "Don Juan"
37669 Now I lay me back to sleep.
37670 The speaker's dull; the subject's deep.
37671 If he should stop before I wake,
37672 Give me a nudge for goodness' sake.
37675 Now I lay me down to sleep
37676 I pray the double lock will keep;
37677 May no brick through the window break,
37678 And, no one rob me till I awake.
37680 Now I lay me down to sleep,
37681 I pray the Lord my soul to keep,
37682 If I should die before I wake,
37683 I'll cry in anguish, "Mistake!! Mistake!!"
37685 Now I lay me down to study,
37686 I pray the Lord I won't go nutty.
37687 And if I fail to learn this junk,
37688 I pray the Lord that I won't flunk.
37689 But if I do, don't pity me at all,
37690 Just lay my bones in the study hall.
37691 Tell my teacher I've done my best,
37692 Then pile my books upon my chest.
37694 Now is the time for all good men to come to.
37697 Now is the time for drinking;
37698 now the time to beat the earth with unfettered foot.
37699 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
37701 Now it's time to say goodbye
37702 To all our company...
37703 M-I-C (see you next week!)
37704 K-E-Y (Why? Because we LIKE you!)
37707 Now of my threescore years and ten,
37708 Twenty will not come again,
37709 And take from seventy springs a score,
37710 It leaves me only fifty more.
37712 And since to look at things in bloom
37713 Fifty springs are little room,
37714 About the woodlands I will go
37715 To see the cherry hung with snow.
37718 Now that day wearies me,
37720 Will receive more kindly,
37721 Like a tired child, the starry night.
37723 Hands, leave off your deeds,
37724 Mind, forget all thoughts;
37726 Yearn only to sink into sleep.
37728 And my soul, unguarded,
37729 Would soar on widespread wings,
37730 To live in night's magical sphere
37731 More profoundly, more variously.
37732 -- Hermann Hesse, "Going to Sleep"
37734 Now that you've read Fortune's diet truths, you'll be prepared the next
37735 time some housewife or boutique-owner-turned-diet-expert appears on TV
37736 to plug her latest book. And, if you still feel a twinge of guilt for
37737 eating coffee cake while listening to her exhortations, ask yourself
37738 the following questions:
37740 (1) Do I dare trust a person who actually considers alfalfa sprouts a
37742 (2) Was the author's sole motive in writing this book to get rich
37743 exploiting the forlorn hopes of chubby people like me?
37744 (3) Would a longer life be worthwhile if it had to be lived as
37745 prescribed ... without French-fried onion rings, pizza with
37746 double cheese, or the occasional Mai-Tai? (Remember, living
37747 right doesn't really make you live longer, it just *seems* like
37750 That, and another piece of coffee cake, should do the trick.
37752 "Now the Lord God planted a garden East of Whittier in a place called
37753 Yorba Linda, and out of the ground he made to grow orange trees that
37754 were good for food and the fruits thereof he labeled SUNKIST ..."
37755 -- "The Begatting of a President"
37757 Now there's a violent movie titled, "The Croquet Homicide,"
37758 or "Murder With Mallets Aforethought."
37759 -- Shelby Friedman, WSJ.
37761 Now there's three things you can do in a baseball game:
37762 you can win or you can lose or it can rain.
37765 "Now this is a totally brain damaged algorithm. Gag me with a
37767 -- P. Buhr, Computer Science 354
37769 Now you're ready for the actual shopping. Your goal should be to get it
37770 over with as quickly as possible, because the longer you stay in the mall,
37771 the longer your children will have to listen to holiday songs on the mall
37772 public-address system, and many of these songs can damage children
37773 emotionally. For example: "Frosty the Snowman" is about a snowman who
37774 befriends some children, plays with them until they learn to love him, then
37775 melts. And "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" is about a young reindeer who,
37776 because of a physical deformity, is treated as an outcast by the other
37777 reindeer. Then along comes good, old Santa. Does he ignore the deformity?
37778 Does he look past Rudolph's nose and respect Rudolph for the sensitive
37779 reindeer he is underneath? No. Santa asks Rudolph to guide his sleigh, as
37780 if Rudolph were nothing more than some kind of headlight with legs and a
37781 tail. So unless you want your children exposed to this kind of insensitivity,
37782 you should shop quickly.
37786 He who hesitates is not only lost, but several miles from
37787 the next freeway exit.
37789 Now's the time to have some big ideas
37790 Now's the time to make some firm decisions
37791 We saw the Buddha in a bar down south
37792 Talking politics and nuclear fission
37793 We see him and he's all washed up --
37794 Moving on into the body of a beetle
37795 Getting ready for a long long crawl
37796 He ain't nothing -- he ain't nothing at all...
37798 Death and Money make their point once more
37799 In the shape of Philosophical assassins
37800 Mark and Danny take the bus uptown
37801 Deadly angels for reality and passion
37802 Have the courage of the here and now
37803 Don't taking nothing from the half-baked buddhas
37804 When you think you got it paid in full
37805 You got nothing -- you got nothing at all...
37806 We're on the road and we're gunning for the Buddha.
37807 We know his name and he mustn't get away.
37808 We're on the road and we're gunning for the Buddha.
37809 It would take one shot -- to blow him away...
37810 -- Shriekback, "Gunning for the Buddah"
37812 Nuclear powered vacuum cleaners will probably be a reality within 10 years.
37813 -- Alex Lewyt (President of the Lewyt Corporation,
37814 manufacturers of vacuum cleaners), quoted in The New York
37815 Times, June 10, 1955.
37817 [Nuclear war] ... may not be desirable.
37820 "Nuclear war can ruin your whole compile."
37823 "Nuclear war would mean abolition of most comforts, and disruption of
37824 normal routines, for children and adults alike."
37825 -- Willard F. Libby, "You *Can* Survive Atomic Attack"
37827 "Nuclear war would really set back cable."
37830 Nudists are people who wear one-button suits.
37832 Nuke the unborn gay female whales for Jesus.
37834 Nuke them till they glow, then shoot them in the dark.
37836 (null cookie; hope that's ok)
37838 Nullum magnum ingenium sine mixtura dementiae fuit.
37841 Numeric stability is probably not all that important when you're
37844 Nurse Donna: Oh, Groucho, I'm afraid I'm gonna wind up an old maid.
37845 Groucho: Well, bring her in and we'll wind her up together.
37846 Nurse Donna: Do you believe in computer dating?
37847 Groucho: Only if the computers really love each other.
37850 The more pretentious the corporate name, the smaller the
37851 organization. (For instance, the Murphy Center for the
37852 Codification of Human and Organizational Law, contrasted
37853 to IBM, GM, and AT&T.)
37855 O! If I were a fish
37856 I'd lay hap'ly on my dish.
37857 Yes, that's my one and only wish --
37860 For fish don't ever mish;
37861 They needn't flush after they pish!
37862 Yes, and life's just swish, swish, swish,
37863 For all the fish!!!
37866 Where the buffalo roam,
37867 Where the deer and the antelope play,
37868 Where seldom is heard
37869 A discouraging word,
37870 'Cause what can an antelope say?
37872 O imitators, you slavish herd!
37873 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
37876 To have a giant's strength; but it is tyrannous
37877 To use it like a giant.
37878 -- William Shakespeare, "Measure for Measure", II, 2
37880 O Lord, grant that we may always be right,
37881 for Thou knowest we will never change our minds.
37883 O love, could thou and I with fate conspire
37884 To grasp this sorry scheme of things entire,
37885 Might we not smash it to bits
37886 And mould it closer to our hearts' desire?
37887 -- Omar Khayyam, tr. FitzGerald
37891 Objects are lost only because people
37892 look where they are not rather than where they are.
37895 Everything is always done for the wrong reasons.
37897 O'Brien held up his left hand, its back toward Winston, with the
37898 thumb hidden and the four fingers extended.
37899 "How many fingers am I holding up, Winston?"
37901 "And if the Party says that it is not four but five --
37904 The word ended in a gasp of pain.
37907 Observe yon plumed biped fine.
37908 To activate its captivation,
37909 Deposit on its termination,
37910 A quantity of particles saline.
37912 Obstacles are what you see when you take your eyes off your goal.
37914 "Obviously, a major malfunction has occurred."
37915 -- Steve Nesbitt, voice of Mission Control, January 28,
37916 1986, as the shuttle Challenger exploded within view
37917 of the grandstands.
37919 Obviously the only rational solution to your problem is suicide.
37922 The philosophical principle that even the simplest
37923 solution is bound to have something wrong with it.
37926 The part of the world lying west (or east) of the Orient. It is
37927 largely inhabited by Christians, powerful sub-tribe of the
37928 Hypocrites, whose principal industries are murder and cheating,
37929 which they are pleased to call "war" and "commerce." These, also,
37930 are the principal industries of the Orient.
37934 A body of water occupying about two-thirds
37935 of a world made for man -- who has no gills.
37937 Odets, where is thy sting?
37938 -- George S. Kaufman
37940 Of all forms of caution, caution in love is the most fatal.
37942 Of all men's miseries, the bitterest is this:
37943 to know so much and have control over nothing.
37946 Of all possible committee reactions to any given agenda item, the
37947 reaction that will occur is the one which will liberate the greatest
37949 -- Thomas L. Martin
37951 Of all the animals, the boy is the most unmanageable.
37954 Of all the words of witch's doom
37955 There's none so bad as which and whom.
37956 The man who kills both which and whom
37957 Will be enshrined in our Who's Whom.
37960 Of all things man is the measure.
37963 Of course a platonic relationship is possible -- but only between
37966 Of course it's possible to love a human being
37967 if you don't know them too well.
37968 -- Charles Bukowski
37970 "Of ______
\b\b\b\b\b\bcourse it's the murder weapon. Who would frame someone with a
37973 "Of course power tools and alcohol don't mix. Everyone knows power
37974 tools aren't soluble in alcohol ..."
37977 Of course there's no reason for it, it's just our policy.
37979 Of course you can't flap your arms and fly to the moon.
37980 After awhile you'd run out of air to push against.
37982 Of course you have a purpose -- to find a purpose.
37984 Of what you see in books, believe 75%. Of newspapers, believe 50%.
37985 And of TV news, believe 25% -- make that 5% if the anchorman wears a
37989 The use of computers to improve efficiency in the office
37990 by removing anyone you would want to talk with over coffee.
37992 Office Automation, n.:
37993 The use of computers to improve efficiency by removing anyone
37994 you would want to talk with over coffee.
37996 Official Project Stages:
37997 1. Uncritical Acceptance
37999 3. Dejected Disillusionment
38001 5. Search for the Guilty
38002 6. Punishment of the Innocent
38003 7. Promotion of the Non-participants
38005 Often statistics are used as a drunken man uses
38006 lampposts -- for support rather than illumination.
38008 Often things ARE as bad as they seem!
38011 The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch
38014 Oh, Aunty Em, it's so good to be home!
38016 Oh, by the way, which one's Pink?
38019 Oh Dad! We're ALL Devo!
38021 Oh don't the days seem lank and long
38022 When all goes right and none goes wrong,
38023 And isn't your life extremely flat
38024 With nothing whatever to grumble at!
38026 Oh Father, my Father, Oh what must I do?
38027 They're burning our streets and beating me blue.
38028 "Listen my son, I'll tell you the truth:
38029 Get a close haircut and spit-shine your shoes."
38031 Oh Mother, my Mother, my confusions remove,
38032 I long to embrace her whose hair is so smooth.
38033 "Now listen my son, although you're confused,
38034 Cut your hair close and shine all your shoes."
38036 Oh Teacher, my Teacher, your life with me share.
38037 What books ought I read? What thoughts do I dare?
38038 "Oh Student, my Student, of dissent you beware.
38039 Shine those dull shoes and cut short your hair."
38041 Oh Preacher, my Preacher, does God really care?
38042 Are all races equal? Are laws just and fair?
38043 "Boy -- here's the answer, no need to despair:
38044 Shine those new shoes and cut short that hair."
38046 Oh freddled gruntbuggly, thy micturations are to me
38047 As plurdled gabbleblotchits on a lurgid bee.
38048 Groop I implore thee, my foonting turlingdromes,
38049 And hooptiously drangle me with crinkly bindlewurdles,
38050 Or I will rend thee in the goblerwarts with my blurglecruncheon,
38052 -- Prostetnic Vogon Jeltz
38054 Oh, give me a home,
38055 Where the buffalo roam,
38056 And I'll show you a house with a really messy kitchen.
38058 Oh, give me a locus where the gravitons focus
38059 Where the three-body problem is solved,
38060 Where the microwaves play down at three degrees K,
38061 And the cold virus never evolved. (chorus)
38062 We eat algae pie, our vacuum is high,
38063 Our ball bearings are perfectly round.
38064 Our horizon is curved, our warheads are MIRVed,
38065 And a kilogram weighs half a pound. (chorus)
38066 If we run out of space for our burgeoning race
38067 No more Lebensraum left for the Mensch
38068 When we're ready to start, we can take Mars apart,
38069 If we just find a big enough wrench. (chorus)
38070 I'm sick of this place, it's just McDonald's in space,
38071 And living up here is a bore.
38072 Tell the shiggies, "Don't cry," they can kiss me goodbye
38073 'Cause I'm moving next week to L4! (chorus)
38075 CHORUS: Home, home on LaGrange,
38076 Where the space debris always collects,
38077 We possess, so it seems, two of Man's greatest dreams:
38078 Solar power and zero-gee sex.
38079 -- to Home on the Range
38081 Oh give me your pity!
38082 I'm on a committee, We attend and amend
38083 Which means that from morning And contend and defend
38084 to night, Without a conclusion in sight.
38086 We confer and concur,
38087 We defer and demur, We revise the agenda
38088 And reiterate all of our thoughts. With frequent addenda
38089 And consider a load of reports.
38091 We compose and propose,
38092 We suppose and oppose, But though various notions
38093 And the points of procedure are fun; Are brought up as motions,
38094 There's terribly little gets done.
38096 We resolve and absolve;
38097 But we never dissolve,
38098 Since it's out of the question for us
38099 To bring our committee
38100 To end like this ditty,
38101 Which stops with a period, thus.
38102 -- Leslie Lipson, "The Committee"
38104 "Oh, he [a big dog] hunts with papa," she said. "He says Don Carlos [the
38105 dog] is good for almost every kind of game. He went duck hunting one time
38106 and did real well at it. Then Papa bought some ducks, not wild ducks but,
38107 you know, farm ducks. And it got Don Carlos all mixed up. Since the
38108 ducks were always around the yard with nobody shooting at them he knew he
38109 wasn't supposed to kill them, but he had to do something. So one morning
38110 last spring, when the ground was still soft, he took all the ducks and
38111 buried them." "What do you mean, buried them?" "Oh, he didn't hurt them.
38112 He dug little holes all over the yard and picked up the ducks in his mouth
38113 and put them in the holes. Then he covered them up with mud except for
38114 their heads. He did thirteen ducks that way and was digging a hole for
38115 another one when Tony found him. We talked about it for a long time. Papa
38116 said Don Carlos was afraid the ducks might run away, and since he didn't
38117 know how to build a cage he put them in holes. He's a smart dog."
38118 -- R. Bradford, "Red Sky At Morning"
38120 Oh, I am a C programmer and I'm okay
38121 I muck with indices and structs all day
38122 And when it works, I shout hoo-ray
38123 Oh, I am a C programmer and I'm okay
38125 Oh, I am just a typical American boy
38126 From a typical American town.
38127 I believe in God and Senator Dodd
38128 And keeping old Castro down.
38129 And when it came my time to serve
38130 I knew better dead than red,
38131 But when I got to my old draft board,
38132 Buddy this is what I said:
38134 Sarge I'm only 18, I got a ruptured spleen
38135 And I always carry a purse;
38136 I got eyes like a bat and my feet are flat
38137 And my asthma's getting worse.
38138 Yes, think of my career and my sweetheart dear
38139 And my poor old invalid aunt;
38140 Besides I ain't no fool I'm going to school
38141 And I'm working in a defense plant.
38142 -- Phil Ochs, "Draft Dodger Rag"
38144 Oh, I could while away the hours,
38145 Smoking herbs and flowers,
38146 Shooting up my veins,
38147 De-dum, De-dum, De-dum
38148 Tell you, I've been a-thinkin'
38149 I could drive a shiny Lincoln,
38150 If I dealt in good cocaine.
38151 -- To If I Only Had A Brain from "The Wizard of Oz"
38153 Oh, I don't blame Congress. If I had $600 billion at my disposal, I'd
38154 be irresponsible, too.
38157 Oh, I have slipped the surly bonds of earth,
38158 And danced the skies on laughter silvered wings;
38159 Sunward I've climbed and joined the tumbling mirth
38160 Of sun-split clouds and done a hundred things
38161 You have not dreamed of --
38162 Wheeled and soared and swung
38163 High in the sunlit silence.
38165 I've chased the shouting wind along and flung
38166 My eager craft through footless halls of air.
38167 Up, up along delirious, burning blue
38168 I've topped the wind-swept heights with easy grace,
38169 Where never lark, or even eagle flew;
38170 And, while with silent, lifting mind I've trod
38171 The high untrespassed sanctity of space,
38172 Put out my hand, and touched the face of God.
38173 -- John Gillespie Magee Jr., "High Flight"
38175 Oh I'm just a typical American boy
38176 From a typical American town.
38177 I believe in God and Senator Dodd
38178 And keeping old Castro down.
38179 And when it came my time to serve
38180 I knew "Better Dead Than Red",
38181 But when I got to my old draft board,
38182 Buddy, this is what I said:
38185 Sarge, I'm only eighteen, I've got a ruptured spleen,
38186 And I always carry a purse!
38187 I've got eyes like a bat and my feet are flat,
38188 And my asthma's getting worse!
38189 Yes, think of my career and my sweetheart dear,
38190 And my poor old invalid aunt!
38191 Besides I ain't no fool, I'm a-going to school
38192 And I'm a-working in a defense plant!
38193 -- Phil Ochs, "Draft Dodger Rag"
38195 Oh Lord, won't you buy me a 4BSD?
38196 My friends all got sources, so why can't I see?
38197 Come all you moby hackers, come sing it out with me:
38198 To hell with the lawyers from AT&T!
38200 Oh, love is real enough, you will find it some day, but it has one
38201 arch-enemy -- and that is life.
38202 -- Jean Anouilh, "Ardele"
38204 Oh, my friend, it is not what they take away from you that counts --
38205 it's what you do with what you have left.
38206 -- Hubert H. Humphrey
38208 Oh, so there you are!
38210 Oh, the Slithery Dee, he crawled out of the sea.
38211 He may catch all the others, but he won't catch me.
38212 No, he won't catch me, stupid ol' Slithery Dee.
38213 He may catch all the others, but AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!!!!
38214 -- The Smothers Brothers
38216 Oh this age! How tasteless and ill-bred it is.
38217 -- Gaius Valerius Catullus
38219 Oh wearisome condition of humanity!
38220 Born under one law, to another bound.
38221 -- Fulke Greville, Lord Brooke
38223 Oh, well, I guess this is just going to be one of those lifetimes.
38225 Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive.
38226 -- William Shakespeare
38228 Oh, when I was in love with you,
38229 Then I was clean and brave,
38230 And miles around the wonder grew
38231 How well did I behave.
38233 And now the fancy passes by,
38234 And nothing will remain,
38235 And miles around they'll say that I
38236 Am quite myself again.
38239 Oh, wow! Look at the moon!
38241 Oh, ya doesn't have ta call me 'Johnson'! Well, you can call me 'Ray', or
38242 you can call me 'Jay', or you can call me 'R. J.', or you can call me 'Ray
38243 J.', or you can call me 'R. J. J.', or you can call me 'Ray J. Johnson', or
38244 you can call me 'R. J. Johnson', but ya DOESN'T have to call me 'Johnson'...
38246 Oh yeah? Well, I remember when sex was dirty and the air was clean.
38248 Oh, yeah, life goes on, long after the thrill of livin' is gone.
38249 -- John Cougar, "Jack and Diane"
38253 "OK, now let's look at four dimensions on the blackboard."
38256 OK, so you're a Ph.D. Just don't touch anything.
38258 Okay, Okay -- I admit it. You didn't change that program that worked
38259 just a little while ago; I inserted some random characters into the
38260 executable. Please forgive me. You can recover the file by typing in
38261 the code over again, since I also removed the source.
38263 Old age and treachery will overcome youth and skill.
38265 Old age is always fifteen years old than I am.
38268 Old age is the harbor of all ills.
38271 Old age is the most unexpected of things that can happen to a man.
38274 Old age is too high a price to pay for maturity.
38276 Old Grandad is dead but his spirits live on.
38278 Old Japanese proverb:
38279 There are two kinds of fools -- those who never climb Mt. Fuji,
38280 and those who climb it twice.
38282 Old MacDonald had an agricultural real estate tax abatement.
38284 Old mail has arrived.
38286 Old men are fond of giving good advice to console
38287 themselves for their inability to set a bad example.
38288 -- La Rochefoucauld, "Maxims"
38290 Old Mother Hubbard went to the cupboard
38291 To fetch her poor daughter a dress.
38292 When she got there, the cupboard was bare
38293 And so was her daughter, I guess...
38295 Old musicians never die, they just decompose.
38297 Old programmers never die. They just branch to a new address.
38299 Old programmers never die, they just become managers.
38301 Old programmers never die, they just hit account block limit.
38303 Old soldiers never die. Young ones do.
38306 One who remembers when charity was a virtue and not an organization.
38309 Experience is something you don't get until just after you need
38312 omnibiblious, adj.:
38313 Indifferent to type of drink. Ex: "Oh, you can get me anything.
38316 Omnibiblious, adj.:
38317 Indifferent to type of drink. "Oh, you can get me anything.
38320 OMNIVERSAL AWARENESS?? Oh, YEH!! First you need four GALLONS of
38321 JELL-O and a BIG WRENCH!! ... I think you drop th' WRENCH in the JELL-O
38322 as if it was a FLAVOR, or an INGREDIENT ... or ... I ... um ...
38323 WHERE'S the WASHING MACHINES?
38325 On a clear day, U.C.L.A.
38327 On a clear disk you can seek forever.
38330 On a paper submitted by a physicist colleague:
38332 "This isn't right. This isn't even wrong."
38335 On a tous un peu peur de l'amour, mais on
38336 a surtout peur de souffrir ou de faire souffrir.
38338 [One is always a little afraid of love, but
38339 above all, one is afraid of pain or causing pain.]
38342 A dwarf is small, even if he stands on a mountain top;
38343 a colossus keeps his height, even if he stands in a well.
38344 -- Lucius Annaeus Seneca, 4BC - 65AD
38346 On account of being a democracy and run by the people, we are the only
38347 nation in the world that has to keep a government four years, no matter
38351 On his way back from work, a driver came upon a horrible wreck in which one
38352 car looked exactly like his neighbor's. Stopping hurriedly on the side of
38353 the road, he ran toward the smoldering debris.
38354 "Listen, mister," a policeman said, holding him back, "I can't let
38355 you come any closer."
38356 "But that may be my friend, Henry, in there," the anguished man
38358 "OK, but it's pretty grisly," the cop cautioned. "There was a
38360 The policeman reached into the back seat of the demolished car and
38361 pulled forth the head, holding it at arm's length. "Is this your friend?"
38362 "That's not him -- thank heavens," the man said. "Henry's much
38365 On Monday mornings I am dedicated to the proposition that all men are
38369 On Monday mornings I am dedicated to the proposition that all men are
38371 -- H. Allen Smith, "Let the Crabgrass Grow"
38373 On Thanksgiving Day all over America, families sit down to dinner at the
38374 same moment -- halftime.
38376 On the eighth day, God created FORTRAN.
38378 On the night before her family moved from Kansas to California, the little
38379 girl knelt by her bed to say her prayers. "God bless Mommy and Daddy and
38380 Keith and Kim," she said. As she began to get up, she quickly added, "Oh,
38381 and God, this is goodbye. We're moving to Hollywood."
38383 On the road, ZIPPY is a pinhead without a purpose, but never without a
38386 On the subject of C program indentation:
38388 "In My Egotistical Opinion, most people's C programs should be
38389 indented six feet downward and covered with dirt."
38390 -- Blair P. Houghton
38392 On the whole, I'd rather be in Philadelphia.
38393 -- W. C. Fields' epitaph
38395 "On two occasions I have been asked [by members of Parliament!], `Pray,
38396 Mr. Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right
38397 answers come out?' I am not able rightly to apprehend the kind of
38398 confusion of ideas that could provoke such a question."
38401 Once ... in the wilds of Afghanistan, I lost my corkscrew, and we were
38402 forced to live on nothing but food and water for days.
38403 -- W. C. Fields, "My Little Chickadee"
38405 Once a word has been allowed to escape, it cannot be recalled.
38406 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
38410 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
38412 Once, adv.: Enough.
38414 Once again dread deed is done.
38416 his all-knowing eye shaded
38417 to human chance and circumstance.
38418 Peace reigns anew o'er Pine Valley,
38419 but Canon's sleep is troubled.
38421 Beware, scant days past the Ides of July.
38422 Impatient hands wait eagerly
38424 scant moments of time
38425 wrested from life in the full
38426 glory of Canon's power;
38427 held captive by his unblinking eye.
38429 Three golden orbs stand watch;
38430 one each to toll the day, hour, minute
38431 until predestiny decrees his reawakening.
38432 When that feared moment arrives,
38433 "Ask not for whom the bell tolls,
38434 It tolls for thee."
38435 -- "I extended the loan on your Camera, at the Pine
38436 Valley Pawn Shop today"
38438 Once Again From the Top
38440 Correction notice in the Miami Herald: "Last Sunday, The Herald erroneously
38441 reported that original Dolphin Johnny Holmes had been an insurance salesman
38442 in Raleigh, North Carolina, that he had won the New York lottery in 1982 and
38443 lost the money in a land swindle, that he had been charged with vehicular
38444 homicide, but acquitted because his mother said she drove the car, and that
38445 he stated that the funniest thing he ever saw was Flipper spouting water on
38446 George Wilson. Each of these items was erroneous material published
38447 inadvertently. He was not an insurance salesman in Raleigh, did not win the
38448 lottery, neither he nor his mother was charged or involved in any way with
38449 vehicular homicide, and he made no comment about Flipper or George Wilson.
38450 The Herald regrets the errors."
38451 -- "The Progressive", March, 1987
38453 Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each
38454 of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.
38455 In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians
38456 called it "Christmas" and went to church; the Jews called it "Hanukka" and
38457 went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People passing
38458 each other on the street would say "Merry Christmas!" or "Happy Hanukka!"
38459 or (to the atheists) "Look out for the wall!"
38461 Once you're safely in the mall, you should tie your children to you
38462 with ropes so the other shoppers won't try to buy them. Holiday shoppers
38463 have been whipped into a frenzy by months of holiday advertisements, and
38464 they will buy anything small enough to stuff into a shopping bag. If your
38465 children object to being tied, threaten to take them to see Santa Claus;
38466 that ought to shut them up.
38469 Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that
38470 each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his
38473 In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians
38474 called it "Christmas" and went to church; the Jews called it "Hanukkah"
38475 and went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People
38476 passing each other on the street would say "Merry Christmas!" or "Happy
38477 Hanukkah!" or (to the atheists) "Look out for the wall!"
38478 -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
38480 Once at a social gathering, Gladstone said to Disraeli, "I predict,
38481 Sir, that you will die either by hanging or of some vile disease".
38482 Disraeli replied, "That all depends upon whether I embrace your
38483 principals or your mistress".
38485 Once harm has been done, even a fool understands it.
38488 Once he had one leg in the White House and the nation trembled under his
38489 roars. Now he is a tinpot pope in the Coca-Cola belt and a brother to the
38490 forlorn pastors who belabor halfwits in galvanized iron tabernacles behind
38491 the railroad yards."
38492 -- H. L. Mencken, writing of William Jennings Bryan,
38493 counsel for the supporters of Tennessee's anti-evolution
38494 law at the Scopes "Monkey Trial" in 1925.
38496 Once I finally figured out all of life's
38497 answers, they changed the questions.
38499 Once, I read that a man be never stronger
38500 than when he truly realizes how weak he is.
38501 -- Jim Starlin, "Captain Marvel #31"
38503 Once is happenstance,
38504 Twice is coincidence,
38505 Three times is enemy action.
38506 -- Auric Goldfinger
38508 Once it hits the fan, the only rational choice is to
38509 sweep it up, package it, and sell it as fertilizer.
38511 Once Law was sitting on the bench
38512 And Mercy knelt a-weeping.
38513 "Clear out!" he cried, "disordered wench!
38514 Nor come before me creeping.
38515 Upon your knees if you appear,
38516 'Tis plain you have no standing here."
38518 Then Justice came. His Honor cried:
38519 "YOUR states? -- Devil seize you!"
38520 "Amica curiae," she replied --
38521 "Friend of the court, so please you."
38522 "Begone!" he shouted -- "There's the door --
38523 I never saw your face before!"
38524 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
38526 Once the realization is accepted that even between the closest human
38527 beings infinite distances continue to exist, a wonderful living side by
38528 side can grow up, if they succeed in loving the distance between them
38529 which makes it possible for each to see each other whole against the
38533 Once the toothpaste is out of the tube, it's hard to get it back in.
38536 Once there was a little nerd who loved to read your mail,
38537 And then yank back the i-access times to get hackers off his tail,
38538 And once as he finished reading from the secretary's spool,
38539 He wrote a rude rejection to her boyfriend (how uncool!)
38540 And this as delivermail did work and he ran his backfstat,
38541 He heard an awful crackling like rat fritters in hot fat,
38542 And hard errors brought the system down 'fore he could even shout!
38543 And the bio bug'll bring yours down too, ef you don't watch out!
38544 And once they was a little flake who'd prowl through the uulog,
38545 And when he went to his blit that night to play at being god,
38546 The ops all heard him holler, and they to the console dashed,
38547 But when they did a ps -ut they found the system crashed!
38548 Oh, the wizards adb'd the dumps and did the system trace,
38549 And worked on the file system 'til the disk head was hot paste,
38550 But all they ever found was this: "panic: never doubt",
38551 And the bio bug'll crash your box too, ef you don't watch out!
38552 When the day is done and the moon comes out,
38553 And you hear the printer whining and the rk's seems to count,
38554 When the other desks are empty and their terminals glassy grey,
38555 And the load is only 1.6 and you wonder if it'll stay,
38556 You must mind the file protections and not snoop around,
38557 Or the bio bug'll getcha and bring the system down!
38559 Once there was this conductor see, who had a bass problem. You see, during
38560 a portion of Beethoven's Ninth Symphony in which there are no bass violin
38561 parts, one of the bassists always passed a bottle of scotch around. So,
38562 to remind himself that the basses usually required an extra cue towards the
38563 end of the symphony, the conductor would fasten a piece of string around the
38564 page of the score before the bass cue. As the basses grew more and more
38565 inebriated, two of them fell asleep. The conductor grew quite nervous (he
38566 was very concerned about the pitch) because it was the bottom of the ninth;
38567 the score was tied and the basses were loaded with two out.
38569 Once upon a time there...
38571 Once upon a time there was a kingdom ruled by a great bear. The peasants
38572 were not very rich, and one of the few ways to become at all wealthy was
38573 to become a Royal Knight. This required an interview with the bear. If
38574 the bear liked you, you were knighted on the spot. If not, the bear would
38575 just as likely remove your head with one swat of a paw. However, the family
38576 of these unfortunate would-be knights was compensated with a beautiful
38577 sheepdog from the royal kennels, which was itself a fairly valuable
38578 possession. And the moral of the story is:
38580 The mourning after a terrible knight, nothing beats the dog of the bear that
38583 Once upon a time, when I was training to be a mathematician, a group of
38584 us bright young students taking number theory discovered the names of
38585 the smaller prime numbers.
38587 2: The Odd Prime --
38588 It's the only even prime, therefore it's odd. QED.
38589 3: The True Prime --
38590 Lewis Carroll: "If I tell you three times, it's true."
38591 31: The Arbitrary Prime --
38592 Determined by unanimous unvote. We needed an arbitrary prime
38593 in case the prof asked for one, and so had an election. 91
38594 received the most votes (well, it *looks* prime) and 3+4i the
38595 next most. However, 31 was the only candidate to receive none
38598 Since the composite numbers are formed from primes, their qualities are
38599 derived from those primes. So, for instance, the number 6 is "odd but
38600 true", while the powers of 2 are all extremely odd numbers.
38602 Once upon this midnight incoherent,
38603 While you pondered sentient and crystalline,
38604 Over many a broken and subordinate
38605 Volume of gnarly lore,
38606 While I pestered, nearly singing,
38607 Suddenly there came a hewing,
38608 As of someone profusely skulking,
38609 Skulking at my chamber door.
38611 Once you've seen one nuclear war, you've seen them all.
38613 Once you've tried to change the world you find
38614 it's a whole bunch easier to change your mind.
38616 One advantage of talking to yourself is that you know at least
38617 somebody's listening.
38618 -- Franklin P. Jones
38620 "One Architecture, One OS" also translates as "One Egg, One Basket".
38622 "One basic notion underlying Usenet is that it is a cooperative."
38624 Having been on USENET for going on ten years, I disagree with this.
38625 The basic notion underlying USENET is the flame.
38626 -- Chuq Von Rospach
38628 One Bell System - it sometimes works.
38630 One Bell System - it used to work before they installed the Dimension!
38632 One Bell System - it works.
38634 One big pile is better than two little piles.
38637 One can never consent to creep when one feels an impulse to soar.
38640 One can search the brain with a microscope and not find the
38641 mind, and can search the stars with a telescope and not find God.
38644 One cannot make an omelette without breaking eggs -- but it is amazing
38645 how many eggs one can break without making a decent omelette.
38646 -- Professor Charles P. Issawi
38648 One can't proceed from the informal to the formal by formal means.
38650 One could not be a successful scientist without realizing that, in contrast
38651 to the popular conception supported by newspapers and mothers of scientists,
38652 a goodly number of scientists are not only narrow-minded and dull, but also
38654 -- J. D. Watson, "The Double Helix"
38656 One day an elderly Jewish Pole, living in Warsaw, finds an old lamp in his
38657 attic. He starts to polish it and (poof!) a genie appears in a cloud of
38659 "Greetings, Mortal!" exclaims the genie, stretching and yawning, "For
38660 releasing me I will grant you three wishes."
38661 The old man thinks for a moment, then replies, "I want Genghis Khan
38662 resurrected. I want him to re-unite the Mongol hordes, march to the Polish
38663 border, decide he doesn't want to invade, and march back home."
38664 "No sooner said than done!" thunders the genie. "Your second wish?"
38665 "Hmmmm. I want Genghis Khan resurrected. I want him to re-unite the
38666 Mongol hordes, march to the Polish border, decide he doesn't want to invade,
38667 and march back home."
38668 "But... well, all right! Your third wish?"
38669 "I want Genghis Khan resurrected. I want him to re-unite his ---"
38670 "OKOKOKOK! Right. Got it. Why do you want Genghis Khan to march
38671 to Poland three times and never invade?"
38672 The old man smiles. "He has to pass through Russia six times."
38674 One day President Reagan, Chairman Brezhnev, the Pope, and a boy scout were
38675 flying together in an airplane. Right out in the middle of nowhere the plane
38676 developed engine trouble and started to go down. Unfortunately, only three
38677 parachutes could be found for the four passengers! Brezhnev grabbed one of
38678 the parachutes and declared "Comrades, as leader of the socialist workers
38679 revolution, my life must be spared." And he jumped out of the plane. Then
38680 Reagan exclaimed "As leader of the greatest nation on earth, I must keep the
38681 world safe for democracy." And with that he too jumped to safety. Now if
38682 you are following all this (or counting on your fingers) you must see that
38683 there is only one parachute left for the two remaining passengers. The Pope
38684 looked kindly upon the boy scout and said "I have had a long and productive
38685 life, my son. You take the parachute and leave me in God's hands." "That's
38686 very kind of you," the observant scout replied, "but there is no need. Reagan
38687 just jumped out with my knapsack."
38689 One day the King decided that he would force all his subjects to tell
38690 the truth. A gallows was erected in front of the city gates. A herald
38691 announced, "Whoever would enter the city must first answer the truth to
38692 a question which will be put to him." Nasrudin was first in line. The
38693 captain of the guard asked him, "Where are you going? Tell the truth
38694 -- the alternative is death by hanging." "I am going," said Nasrudin,
38695 "to be hanged on that gallows." "I don't believe you." "Very well, if
38696 I have told a lie, then hang me!" "But that would make it the truth!"
38697 "Exactly," said Nasrudin, "your truth."
38699 One day this guy is finally fed up with his middle-class existence and
38700 decides to do something about it. He calls up his best friend, who is a
38701 mathematical genius. "Look," he says, "do you suppose you could find some
38702 way mathematically of guaranteeing winning at the race track? We could
38703 make a lot of money and retire and enjoy life." The mathematician thinks
38704 this over a bit and walks away mumbling to himself.
38705 A week later his friend drops by to ask the genius if he's had any
38706 success. The genius, looking a little bleary-eyed, replies, "Well, yes,
38707 actually I do have an idea, and I'm reasonably sure that it will work, but
38708 there a number of details to be figured out.
38709 After the second week the mathematician appears at his friend's house,
38710 looking quite a bit rumpled, and announces, "I think I've got it! I still have
38711 some of the theory to work out, but now I'm certain that I'm on the right
38713 At the end of the third week the mathematician wakes his friend by
38714 pounding on his door at three in the morning. He has dark circles under his
38715 eyes. His hair hasn't been combed for many days. He appears to be wearing
38716 the same clothes as the last time. He has several pencils sticking out from
38717 behind his ears and an almost maniacal expression on his face. "WE CAN DO
38718 IT! WE CAN DO IT!!" he shrieks. "I have discovered the perfect solution!!
38719 And it's so EASY! First, we assume that horses are perfect spheres in simple
38720 harmonic motion..."
38724 With nothing to say,
38725 Wrote a mad meta-poem
38726 That started: "One day,
38728 With nothing to say,
38729 Wrote a mad meta-poem
38730 That started: "One day,
38733 Were the words that the poet,
38735 To bring his mad poem,
38736 To some sort of close".
38737 Were the words that the poet,
38739 To bring his mad poem,
38740 To some sort of close".
38742 One difference between a man and a machine is that a machine is quiet
38745 One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you.
38748 One dusty July afternoon, somewhere around the turn of the century, Patrick
38749 Malone was in Mulcahey's Bar, bending an elbow with the other street car
38750 conductors from the Brooklyn Traction Company. While they were discussing the
38751 merits of a local ring hero, the bar goes silent. Malone turns around to see
38752 his wife, with a face grim as death, stalking to the bar.
38753 Slapping a four-bit piece down on the bar, she draws herself up to her
38754 full five feet five inches and says to Mulcahey, "Give me what himself has
38755 been havin' all these years."
38756 Mulcahey looks at Malone, who shrugs, and then back at Margaret Mary
38757 Malone. He sets out a glass and pours her a triple shot of Rye. The bar is
38758 totally silent as they watch the woman pick up the glass and knock back the
38759 drink. She slams the glass down on the bar, gasps, shudders slightly, and
38760 passes out; falling straight back, stiff as a board, saved from sudden contact
38761 with the barroom floor by the ample belly of Seamus Fogerty.
38762 Sometime later, she comes to on the pool table, a jacket under her
38763 head. Her bloodshot eyes fell upon her husband, who says, "And all these
38764 years you've been thinkin' I've been enjoying meself."
38766 One expresses well the love he does not feel.
38769 One family builds a wall, two families enjoy it.
38771 One father is more than a hundred schoolmasters.
38774 One friend in a lifetime is much; two are many; three are hardly possible.
38775 Friendship needs a certain parallelism of life, a community of thought,
38777 -- Henry Brook Adams
38779 One girl can be pretty -- but a dozen are only a chorus.
38780 -- F. Scott Fitzgerald, "The Last Tycoon"
38782 One good reason why computers can do more work than people is that they
38783 never have to stop and answer the phone.
38785 One good suit is worth a thousand resumes.
38787 One good thing about music,
38788 Well, it helps you feel no pain.
38789 So hit me with music;
38790 Hit me with music now.
38791 -- Bob Marley, "Trenchtown Rock"
38793 One good turn asketh another.
38796 One good turn deserves another.
38799 One good turn usually gets most of the blanket.
38801 One has to look out for engineers -- they begin with sewing machines
38802 and end up with the atomic bomb.
38805 One hundred women are not worth a single testicle.
38808 One is not superior merely because one sees the world as odious.
38809 -- Chateaubriand (1768-1848)
38811 One is often kept in the right road by a rut.
38814 One learns to itch where one can scratch.
38817 ONE LIFE TO LIVE for ALL MY CHILDREN in
38818 ANOTHER WORLD all THE DAYS OF OUR LIVES.
38820 One man tells a falsehood, a hundred repeat it as true.
38822 One man's brain plus one other will produce one half as many ideas as
38823 one man would have produced alone. These two plus two more will
38824 produce half again as many ideas. These four plus four more begin to
38825 represent a creative meeting, and the ratio changes to one quarter as
38829 One man's constant is another man's variable.
38832 One man's folly is another man's wife.
38835 One man's "magic" is another man's engineering.
38836 "Supernatural" is a null word.
38838 One man's Mede is another man's Persian.
38841 One man's theology is another man's belly laugh.
38843 One measure of friendship consists not in the number of things friends
38844 can discuss, but in the number of things they need no longer mention.
38847 One meets his destiny often on the road he takes to avoid it.
38849 One monk said to the other, "The fish has flopped out of the net! How
38850 will it live?" The other said, "When you have gotten out of the net,
38853 One must have a heart of stone to read the death of Little Nell by Dickens
38857 One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
38859 One nuclear bomb can ruin your whole day.
38861 One of my less pleasant chores when I was young was to read the Bible
38862 from one end to the other. Reading the Bible straight through is at
38863 least 70 percent discipline, like learning Latin. But the good parts
38864 are, of course, simply amazing. God is an extremely uneven writer, but
38865 when He's good, nobody can touch Him.
38866 -- John Gardner, NYT Book Review, Jan 1983
38868 One of the chief duties of the mathematician in acting as an
38869 advisor... is to discourage... from expecting too much from
38873 One of the disadvantages of having children is that they eventually get old
38874 enough to give you presents they make at school.
38877 One of the large consolations for experiencing anything
38878 unpleasant is the knowledge that one can communicate it.
38879 -- Joyce Carol Oates
38881 One of the lessons of history is that nothing is often a good thing to
38882 do and always a clever thing to say.
38885 One of the major difficulties Trillian experienced in her relationship with
38886 Zaphod was learning to distinguish between him pretending to be stupid just
38887 to get people off their guard, pretending to be stupid because he couldn't
38888 be bothered to think and wanted someone else to do it for him, pretending
38889 to be so outrageously stupid to hide the fact that he actually didn't
38890 understand what was going on, and really being genuinely stupid. He was
38891 renowned for being quite clever and quite clearly was so -- but not all the
38892 time, which obviously worried him, hence the act. He preferred people to be
38893 puzzled rather than contemptuous. This above all appeared to Trillian to be
38894 genuinely stupid, but she could no longer be bothered to argue about.
38895 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
38897 One of the most overlooked advantages to computers is... If they do
38898 foul up, there's no law against whacking them around a little.
38901 One of the most striking differences between a
38902 cat and a lie is that a cat has only nine lives.
38905 One of the oldest problems puzzled over in the Talmud is: "Why did God
38906 create goyim?" The generally accepted answer is "________
\b\b\b\b\b\b\b\bsomebody has to buy
38908 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
38910 One of the pleasures of reading old letters is the knowledge that they
38912 -- George Gordon, Lord Byron
38914 One of the rules of Busmanship, New York style, is never surrender your
38915 seat to another passenger. This may seem callous, but it is the best
38916 way, really. If one passenger were to give a seat to someone who
38917 fainted in the aisle, say, the others on the bus would become
38918 disoriented and imagine they were in Topeka, Kansas.
38920 One of the signs of Napoleon's greatness is the fact that he
38921 once had a publisher shot.
38922 -- Siegfried Unseld
38924 One of the worst of my many faults is that I'm too critical of myself.
38926 One of your most ancient writers, a historian named Herodotus, tells of a
38927 thief who was to be executed. As he was taken away he made a bargain with
38928 the king: in one year he would teach the king's favorite horse to sing
38929 hymns. The other prisoners watched the thief singing to the horse and
38930 laughed. "You will not succeed," they told him. "No one can."
38931 To which the thief replied, "I have a year, and who knows what might
38932 happen in that time. The king might die. The horse might die. I might die.
38933 And perhaps the horse will learn to sing.
38934 -- "The Mote in God's Eye", Niven and Pournelle
38936 One organism, one vote.
38938 One Page Principle:
38939 A specification that will not fit on one page of 8.5x11 inch
38940 paper cannot be understood.
38943 One person's error is another person's data.
38945 One picture is worth 128K words.
38947 One picture is worth more than ten thousand words.
38950 One pill makes you larger And if you go chasing rabbits
38951 And, one pill makes you small. And you know you're going to fall.
38952 And the ones that mother gives you, Tell 'em a hookah smoking caterpillar
38953 Don't do anything at all. Has given you the call.
38954 Go ask Alice Call Alice
38955 When she's ten feet tall. When she was just small.
38957 When men on the chessboard When logic and proportion
38958 Get up and tell you where to go. Have fallen sloppy dead,
38959 And you've just had some kind of And the White Knight is talking
38961 And your mind is moving low. And the Red Queen's lost her head
38962 Go ask Alice Remember what the dormouse said:
38963 I think she'll know. Feed your head.
38966 -- Jefferson Airplane, "White Rabbit"
38968 One planet is all you get.
38970 One possible reason that things aren't going according to plan
38971 is that there never was a plan in the first place.
38973 One promising concept that I came up with right away was that you could
38974 manufacture personal air bags, then get a law passed requiring that
38975 they be installed on congressmen to keep them from taking trips. Let's
38976 say your congressman was trying to travel to Paris to do a fact-finding
38977 study on how the French government handles diseases transmitted by
38978 sherbet. Just when he got to the plane, his mandatory air bag,
38979 strapped around his waist, would inflate -- FWWAAAAAAPPPP -- thus
38980 rendering him too large to fit through the plane door. It could also
38981 be rigged to inflate whenever the congressman proposed a law. ("Mr.
38982 Speaker, people ask me, why should October be designated as Cuticle
38983 Inspection Month? And I answer that FWWAAAAAAPPPP.") This would save
38984 millions of dollars, so I have no doubt that the public would violently
38985 support a law requiring airbags on congressmen. The problem is that
38986 your potential market is very small: there are only around 500 members
38987 of Congress, and some of them, such as House Speaker "Tip" O'Neil, are
38988 already too large to fit on normal aircraft.
38989 -- Dave Barry, "'Mister Mediocre' Restaurants"
38991 One reason why George Washington
38992 Is held in such veneration:
38993 He never blamed his problems
38994 On the former Administration.
38995 -- George O. Ludcke
38997 One seldom sees a monument to a committee.
38999 One should always be in love. That is the reason one should never marry.
39003 Doesn't fit anyone.
39005 One small step for man, one giant stumble for mankind.
39007 One thing about the past.
39008 It's likely to last.
39011 ONE THING KIDS LIKE is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take
39012 my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to a burned-out
39013 warehouse. "Oh, oh," I said. "Disneyland burned down." He cried and
39014 cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke.
39016 I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty
39018 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican", 1988.
39020 One thing the inventors can't seem to get the bugs out of is fresh
39023 "One thing they don't tell you about doing experimental physics is that
39024 sometimes you must work under adverse conditions ... like a state of
39028 One thought driven home is better than three left on base.
39030 One time the police stopped me for speeding. They said, "Don't you know the
39031 speed limit is fifty-five miles an hour?" I said, "Yeah, I know, but I wasn't
39032 going to be out that long."
39035 One toke over the line, sweet Mary,
39036 One toke over the line,
39037 Sittin' downtown in a railway station,
39038 One toke over the line.
39039 Waitin' for the train that goes home,
39040 Hopin' that the train is on time,
39041 Sittin' downtown in a railway station,
39042 One toke over the line.
39044 One way to make your old car run better is to look up the price of a
39047 One way to stop a runaway horse is to bet on him.
39049 One, with God, is always a majority, but many a martyr has been burned
39050 at the stake while the votes were being counted.
39053 One would like to stroke and caress human beings, but one dares not do so,
39057 One-Shot Case Study, n.:
39058 The scientific equivalent of the four-leaf clover, from which
39059 it is concluded all clovers possess four leaves and are sometimes
39063 The idea that a human being should always be accessible to a computer.
39066 The idea that a human being should always be accessible to a
39069 Only a fool has no doubts.
39071 Only a mediocre person is always at his best.
39074 Only adults have difficulty with childproof caps.
39076 Only fools are quoted.
39079 Only God can make random selections.
39081 Only great masters of style can succeed in being obtuse.
39084 Most UNIX programmers are great masters of style.
39085 -- The Unnamed Usenetter
39087 Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four
39088 essential food groups -- alcohol, caffeine, sugar, and fat.
39091 [Oh come on, everybody knows that the four basic food groups are
39092 hot sugar, cold sugar, carbohydrates and grease. Ed.]
39094 Only kings, presidents, editors, and people with tapeworms have the right
39095 to use the editorial "we".
39097 Only presidents, editors, and people with tapeworms have the right to
39098 use the editorial "we."
39100 Only someone with nothing to be sorry for
39101 smiles back at the rear of an elephant.
39103 Only that in you which is me can hear what I'm saying.
39106 Only the fittest survive. The vanquished acknowledge their unworthiness by
39107 placing a classified ad with the ritual phrase "must sell -- best offer,"
39108 and thereafter dwell in infamy, relegated to discussing gas mileage and lawn
39109 food. But if successful, you join the elite sodality that spends hours
39110 unpurifying the dialect of the tribe with arcane talk of bits and bytes, RAMS
39111 and ROMS, hard disks and baud rates. Are you obnoxious, obsessed? It's a
39112 modest price to pay. For you have tapped into the same awesome primal power
39113 that produces credit-card billing errors and lost plane reservations. Hail,
39114 postindustrial warrior, subduer of Bounceoids, pride of the cosmos, keeper of
39115 the silicone creed: Computo, ergo sum. The force is with you -- at 110 volts.
39116 May your RAMS be fruitful and multiply.
39117 -- Curt Suplee, "Smithsonian", 4/83
39119 Only the hypocrite is really rotten to the core.
39122 Only those who leisurely approach that which the masses are
39123 busy about can be busy about that which the masses take leisurely.
39126 Only through hard work and perseverance can one truly suffer.
39128 Only two groups of people fall for flattery -- men and women.
39130 Only two kinds of witnesses exist. The first live in a neighborhood where
39131 a crime has been committed and in no circumstances have ever seen anything
39132 or even heard a shot. The second category are the neighbors of anyone who
39133 happens to be accused of the crime. These have always looked out of their
39134 windows when the shot was fired, and have noticed the accused person standing
39135 peacefully on his balcony a few yards away.
39136 -- Sicilian police officer
39138 Only two of my personalities are schizophrenic, but one
39139 of them is paranoid and the other one is out to get him.
39141 Only way to open lips of pigeon, sledgehammer.
39143 Ontogeny recapitulates phylogeny.
39145 Onward through the fog.
39147 Operator, please trace this call and tell me where I am.
39149 Opiates are the religion of the upper-middle classes.
39152 Opium is very cheap considering you don't
39153 feel like eating for the next six days.
39154 -- Taylor Mead, famous transvestite
39156 Oppernockity tunes but once.
39158 Opportunities are usually disguised as hard
39159 work, so most people don't recognize them.
39161 Oprah Winfrey has an incredible talent for getting the weirdest people to
39162 talk to. And you just HAVE to watch it. "Blind, masochistic minority,
39163 crippled, depressed, government latrine diggers, and the women who love
39164 them too much on the next Oprah Winfrey."
39166 Optimism is the content of small men in high places.
39167 -- F. Scott Fitzgerald, "The Crack Up"
39170 The belief that everything is beautiful, including what is ugly, good, bad,
39171 and everything right that is wrong. It is held with greatest tenacity by
39172 those accustomed to falling into adversity, and most acceptably expounded
39173 with the grin that apes a smile. Being a blind faith, it is inaccessible
39174 to the light of disproof -- an intellectual disorder, yielding to no treatment
39175 but death. It is hereditary, but not contagious.
39178 A proponent of the belief that black is white.
39180 A pessimist asked God for relief.
39181 "Ah, you wish me to restore your hope and cheerfulness," said God.
39182 "No," replied the petitioner, "I wish you to create something that
39183 would justify them."
39184 "The world is all created," said God, "but you have overlooked
39185 something -- the mortality of the optimist."
39186 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
39189 Someone who goes down to the marriage
39190 bureau to see if his license has expired.
39193 A bagpiper with a beeper.
39195 Optimization hinders evolution.
39197 Or you or I must yield up his life to Ahrimanes. I would rather it were you.
39198 I should have no hesitation in sacrificing my own life to spare yours, but
39199 we take stock next week, and it would not be fair on the company.
39200 -- J. Wellington Wells
39202 Oral sex is like being attacked by a giant snail.
39205 Orcs really aren't so bad (if you use lots of catsup).
39207 Order and simplification are the first steps toward
39208 mastery of a subject -- the actual enemy is the unknown.
39212 The ancient Italian art of pizza folding.
39215 Eighty billion gallons of water with
39216 no place to go on Saturday night.
39219 Eighty billion gallons of water with no place to go on Saturday
39222 O'Reilly's Law of the Kitchen:
39223 Cleanliness is next to impossible
39227 Organic chemistry is the chemistry of carbon compounds. Biochemistry
39228 is the study of carbon compounds that crawl.
39231 Original thought is like original sin: both happened before you were born
39232 to people you could not have possibly met.
39233 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"
39236 Variables won't; constants aren't.
39238 Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how did you like the play?
39241 The appetites they feed, but she makes hungry
39242 Where most she satisfies.
39243 -- Antony and Cleopatra
39245 Others can stop you temporarily, only you can do it permanently.
39247 Others will look to you for stability, so hide when you bite your nails.
39249 O'Toole's Commentary on Murphy's Law:
39250 Murphy was an optimist.
39252 Ouch! That felt good!
39255 "Our attitude with TCP/IP is, `Hey, we'll do it, but don't make a big
39256 system, because we can't fix it if it breaks -- nobody can.'"
39258 "TCP/IP is OK if you've got a little informal club, and it doesn't make
39259 any difference if it takes a while to fix it."
39260 -- Ken Olsen, in Digital News, 1988
39262 Our business in life is not to succeed
39263 but to continue to fail in high spirits.
39264 -- Robert Louis Stevenson
39266 Our congratulations go to a Burlington Vermont civilian employee of the
39267 local Army National Guard base. He recently received a substantial cash
39268 award from our government for inventing a device for optical scanning.
39269 His device reportedly will save the government more than $6 million a year
39270 by replacing a more expensive helicopter maintenance tool with his own,
39271 home-made, hand-held model.
39273 Not surprisingly, we also have a couple of money-saving ideas that we submit
39274 to the Pentagon free of charge:
39276 a. Don't kill anybody.
39277 b. Don't build things that do.
39278 c. And don't pay other people to kill anybody.
39280 We expect annual savings to be in the billions.
39283 Our country has plenty of good five-cent cigars, but the trouble is
39284 they charge fifteen cents for them.
39286 Our documentation manager was showing her 2 year old son around the office.
39287 He was introduced to me, at which time he pointed out that we were both
39288 holding bags of popcorn. We were both holding bottles of juice. But only
39289 *he* had a lollipop.
39290 He asked his mother, "Why doesn't HE have a lollipop?"
39291 Her reply: "He can have a lollipop any time he wants to. That's
39292 what it means to be a programmer."
39294 Our documentation manager was showing her two year old son around the
39295 office. He was introduced to me, at which time he pointed out that we
39296 were both holding bags of popcorn. We were both holding bottles of
39297 juice. But only *_
\b_
\bhe* had a lollipop.
39299 He asked his mother, "Why doesn't HE have a lollipop?"
39303 "He can have a lollipop any time he wants to. That's what it
39304 means to be a programmer."
39306 Our houseplants have a good sense of humous.
39308 Our informal mission is to improve the love life of operators worldwide.
39309 -- Peter Behrendt, president of Exabyte
39311 Our little systems have their day;
39312 They have their day and cease to be;
39313 They are but broken lights of thee.
39316 Our OS who art in CPU, UNIX be thy name.
39317 Thy programs run, thy syscalls done,
39318 In kernel as it is in user!
39320 Our parents were of Midwestern stock and very strict. They didn't want us
39321 to grow up to be spoiled and rich. If we left our tennis racquets in the
39322 rain, we were punished.
39323 -- Nancy Ellis (George Bush's sister), in the New Republic
39325 Our policy is, when in doubt, do the right thing.
39326 -- Roy L. Ash, ex-president Litton Industries
39328 Our problems are so serious that the best
39329 way to talk about them is lightheartedly.
39331 Our sires' age was worse that our grandsires'.
39332 We their sons are more worthless than they:
39333 so in our turn we shall give the world a progeny yet more corrupt.
39334 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
39336 Our swords shall play the orators for us.
39337 -- Christopher Marlowe
39339 Our universe itself keeps on expanding and expanding,
39340 In all of the directions it can whiz;
39341 As fast as it can go, that's the speed of light, you know,
39342 Twelve million miles a minute and that's the fastest speed there is.
39343 So remember, when you're feeling very small and insecure,
39344 How amazingly unlikely is your birth;
39345 And pray that there's intelligent life somewhere out in space,
39346 'Cause there's bugger all down here on Earth!
39349 "Our vision is to speed up time, eventually eliminating it."
39352 Ours is a world of nuclear giants and ethical infants.
39353 -- General Omar N. Bradley
39355 Ours is a world where people don't know what they
39356 want and are willing to go through hell to get it.
39358 Out of sight is out of mind.
39361 Out of the crooked timber of humanity no straight thing can ever be made.
39364 Out of the mouths of babes does often come cereal.
39366 "Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend: and inside a dog,
39367 it's too dark to read."
39370 Over the shoulder supervision is more a
39371 need of the manager than the programming task.
39373 Over the years, I've developed my sense of deja vu so acutely that now
39374 I can remember things that *have* happened before ...
39376 Overall, the philosophy is to attack the availability problem from two
39377 complementary directions: to reduce the number of software errors through
39378 rigorous testing of running systems, and to reduce the effect of the remaining
39379 errors by providing for recovery from them. An interesting footnote to this
39380 design is that now a system failure can usually be considered to be the
39381 result of two program errors: the first, in the program that started the
39382 problem; the second, in the recovery routine that could not protect the
39384 -- A. L. Scherr, "Functional Structure of IBM Virtual Storage
39385 Operating Systems, Part II: OS/VS-2 Concepts and
39386 Philosophies," IBM Systems Journal, Vol. 12, No. 4.
39388 Overconfidence breeds error when we take for granted that the game will
39389 continue on its normal course; when we fail to provide for an unusually
39390 powerful resource -- a check, a sacrifice, a stalemate. Afterwards the
39391 victim may wail, `But who could have dreamt of such an idiotic-looking
39393 -- Fred Reinfeld, "The Complete Chess Course"
39395 Overdrawn? But I still have checks left!
39397 Overflow on /dev/null: please empty the bit bucket.
39400 "How do I feel? Great! And I kiss pretty good, too!"
39402 Overload -- core meltdown sequence initiated.
39404 Owe no man any thing...
39407 Oxygen is a very toxic gas and an extreme fire hazard. It is fatal in
39408 concentrations of as little as 0.000001 p.p.m. Humans exposed to the
39409 oxygen concentrations die within a few minutes. Symptoms resemble very
39410 much those of cyanide poisoning (blue face, etc.). In higher
39411 concentrations, e.g. 20%, the toxic effect is somewhat delayed and it
39412 takes about 2.5 billion inhalations before death takes place. The reason
39413 for the delay is the difference in the mechanism of the toxic effect of
39414 oxygen in 20% concentration. It apparently contributes to a complex
39415 process called aging, of which very little is known, except that it is
39418 However, the main disadvantage of the 20% oxygen concentration is in the
39419 fact it is habit forming. The first inhalation (occurring at birth) is
39420 sufficient to make oxygen addiction permanent. After that, any
39421 considerable decrease in the daily oxygen doses results in death with
39422 symptoms resembling those of cyanide poisoning.
39424 Oxygen is an extreme fire hazard. All of the fires that were reported in
39425 the continental U.S. for the period of the past 25 years were found to be
39426 due to the presence of this gas in the atmosphere surrounding the buildings
39429 Oxygen is especially dangerous because it is odorless, colorless and
39430 tasteless, so that its presence can not be readily detected until it is
39432 -- Chemical & Engineering News February 6, 1956
39435 (1) If someone says he will do something "without fail," he
39437 (2) The more people talk on the phone, the less money they
39439 (3) People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
39440 (4) Pizza always burns the roof of your mouth.
39442 paak, n: A stadium or inclosed playing field. To put or leave (a
39443 a vehicle) for a time in a certain location.
39444 patato, n: The starchy, edible tuber of a widely cultivated plant.
39445 Septemba, n: The 9th month of the year.
39446 shua, n: Having no doubt; certain.
39447 sista, n: A female having the same mother and father as the speaker.
39448 tamato, n: A fleshy, smooth-skinned reddish fruit eaten in salads
39450 troopa, n: A state policeman.
39451 Wista, n: A city in central Masschewsetts.
39452 yaad, n: A tract of ground adjacent to a building.
39453 -- Massachewsetts Unabridged Dictionary
39456 Falling out of a twenty story building,
39457 and snagging your eyelid on a nail.
39460 One thing, at least it proves that you're alive!
39463 Sliding down a 50-foot razor blade into a bucket of alcohol.
39465 Pain is just God's way of hurting you.
39468 The art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather, and
39469 exposing them to the critic.
39473 Never open a box you didn't close.
39475 panic: can't find /
39477 panic: kernel segmentation violation. core dumped (only kidding)
39479 panic: kernel trap (ignored)
39483 2 dashes == 1 smidgen
39484 2 smidgens == 1 pinch
39485 3 pinches == 1 soupcon
39486 2 soupcons == too much paprika
39488 Paradise is exactly like where you are right now ... only much, much
39492 Parallel lines never meet, unless you bend one or both of them.
39494 Paralysis through analysis.
39497 A healthy understanding of the way the universe works.
39499 Paranoia doesn't mean the whole world isn't out to get you.
39501 Paranoia is heightened awareness.
39503 Paranoia is simply an optimistic outlook on life.
39505 Paranoid Club meeting this Friday.
39506 Now ... just try to find out where!
39508 Paranoid schizophrenics outnumber their enemies at least two to one.
39510 Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems. It's easy to
39511 criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid too.
39514 Pardon me while I laugh.
39516 Pardon this fortune. Database under reconstruction.
39518 Pardo's First Postulate:
39519 Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral, or
39523 Everything else causes cancer in rats.
39525 Parents often talk about the younger generation as if they
39526 didn't have much of anything to do with it.
39529 Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.
39531 Parkinson's Fifth Law:
39532 If there is a way to delay an important decision, the good
39533 bureaucracy, public or private, will find it.
39535 Parkinson's Fourth Law:
39536 The number of people in any working group tends to increase
39537 regardless of the amount of work to be done.
39543 Parts that positively cannot be assembled in improper order will be.
39546 A gathering where you meet people who drink
39547 so much you can't even remember their names.
39550 A programming language named after a man who would turn over
39551 in his grave if he knew about it.
39552 -- "Datamation", January 15, 1984
39555 A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his
39556 grave if he knew about it.
39558 Pascal is a language for children wanting to be naughty.
39559 -- Dr. Kasi Ananthanarayanan
39561 "Pascal is not a high-level language."
39564 "Pascal is Pascal is Pascal is dog meat."
39565 -- M. Devine and P. Larson, Computer Science 340
39568 A programming language named after a man who would turn over in
39569 his grave if he knew about it.
39572 The Pascal system will be replaced next Tuesday by Cobol.
39573 Please modify your programs accordingly.
39576 To show respect for the 313th anniversary (tomorrow) of the
39577 death of Blaise Pascal, your programs will be run at half speed.
39579 Passionate hatred can give meaning and purpose to an empty life.
39584 Passwords are implemented as a result of insecurity.
39586 Paster Crosstalk: What items are specifically mentioned by GOD as being
39587 unclean? Now did you know... preying birds... praying mantises...
39588 All birds of prey, all carrion eaters, fish eaters -- no good, can't
39589 eat those. Nothing that does not have both fins and scales. Most
39591 Alvarado: How 'bout caterpillars?
39592 P: A caterpillar doesn't have a backbone. Nothing without a backbone
39594 A: How do you know? You char a caterpillar, it gets real stiff!
39595 P: Well, I don't think that the Lord meant us to eat CHARRED
39598 P: The hog, the squirrel... little squirrels. Who would want to eat
39600 A: If you're starving. If you're starving in the park one day.
39601 P: You'd probably just CHAR 'em to get 'em stiff, wouldn't ya?
39602 A: No, you SINGE 'em. You SINGE 'em and eat 'em. *I* read about the
39603 Donner Pass, I know what man does when he's hungry.
39604 P: Squirrels eating squirrels -- my GOD, that's sick!
39605 A: That's sick, SURE. But a MAN eating a squirrel -- that's (heh, heh)
39606 par for the course, Charlie.
39607 -- Firesign Theatre
39610 The study of those mathematical properties that are invariant
39611 under brain transplants.
39613 Patch griefs with proverbs.
39614 -- William Shakespeare, "Much Ado About Nothing"
39617 A method of publicizing inventions so others can copy them.
39619 "Pathetic," he said. "That's what it is. Pathetic."
39621 "As I thought," he said, "no better from *this* side."
39624 Patience is a minor form of despair, disguised as virtue.
39625 -- Ambrose Bierce, on qualifiers
39627 Patience is the best remedy for every trouble.
39628 -- Titus Maccius Plautus
39630 Patriotism is the last refuge of a scoundrel.
39631 -- S. Johnson, "The Life of Samuel Johnson" by J. Boswell
39633 In Dr. Johnson's famous dictionary patriotism is defined as the last
39634 resort of the scoundrel. With all due respect to an enlightened but
39635 inferior lexicographer I beg to submit that it is the first.
39638 When Dr. Johnson defined patriotism as the last refuge of a scoundrel,
39639 he ignored the enormous possibilities of the word reform.
39640 -- Sen. Roscoe Conkling
39642 Public office is the last refuge of a scoundrel.
39645 Patriotism is the virtue of the vicious.
39648 Pauca sed matura. (Few but excellent.)
39651 Paul Revere was a tattle-tale.
39654 In America, it's not how much an item costs, it's how much you
39658 You can't fall off the floor.
39660 Pause for storage relocation.
39663 The weekly $5.27 that remains after deductions for federal
39664 withholding, state withholding, city withholding, FICA,
39665 medical/dental, long-term disability, unemployment insurance,
39666 Christmas Club, and payroll savings plan contributions.
39676 up your ides under brown-
39683 Peace be to this house, and all that dwell in it.
39685 Peace cannot be kept by force; it
39686 can only be achieved by understanding.
39689 Peace is much more precious than a piece
39690 of land... let there be no more wars.
39691 -- Mohammed Anwar Sadat, 1918-1981
39694 In international affairs, a period of cheating between two
39695 periods of fighting.
39696 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
39700 4 cups sugar 16 tbsp. milk
39701 4 cups brown sugar 4 tsp. vanilla
39702 4 cups shortening 14 cups flour
39704 4 cups peanut butter 4 tsp. salt
39706 Shape dough into balls. Roll in sugar and bake on ungreased cookie
39707 sheet at 375 F. for 10-12 minutes. Immediately top each cookie with a
39708 Hershey's kiss or star pressing down firmly to crack cookie. Makes a
39711 Pecor's Health-Food Principle:
39712 Never eat rutabaga on any day of the week that has a "y" in
39716 The perfect body heat achieved by having one leg under the
39717 sheet and one hanging off the edge of the bed.
39718 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
39721 A car with only one working headlight.
39722 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
39724 Pedro Guerrero was playing third base for the Los Angeles Dodgers in 1984
39725 when he made the comment that earns him a place in my Hall of Fame. Second
39726 baseman Steve Sax was having trouble making his throws. Other players were
39727 diving, screaming, signaling for a fair catch. At the same time, Guerrero,
39728 at third, was making a few plays that weren't exactly soothing to manager
39729 Tom Lasorda's stomach. Lasorda decided it was time for one of his famous
39730 motivational meetings and zeroed in on Guerrero: "How can you play third
39731 base like that? You've gotta be thinking about something besides baseball.
39733 "I'm only thinking about two things," Guerrero said. "First, `I
39734 hope they don't hit the ball to me.'" The players snickered, and even
39735 Lasorda had to fight off a laugh. "Second, `I hope they don't hit the ball
39737 -- Joe Garagiola, "It's Anybody's Ball Game"
39743 The solution to a problem changes the nature of the problem.
39746 "I will never understand people."
39747 "There's nothing to it. All you have to do is take a close look
39748 at yourself and you will understand everyone else. How would Seldon have
39749 worked out his Plan -- and I don't care how subtle his mathematics was --
39750 if he didn't understand people; and how could he have done that if people
39751 weren't easy to understand? You show me someone who can't understand
39752 people and I'll show you someone who has built up a false image of himself
39753 -- no offense intended."
39754 -- Isaac Asimov, "Foundation's Edge"
39756 Penguin Trivia #46:
39757 Animals who are not penguins can only wish they were.
39758 -- Chicago Reader 10/15/82
39763 A federally insured chain letter.
39765 People (a group that in my opinion has always attracted an undue amount of
39766 attention) have often been likened to snowflakes. This analogy is meant to
39767 suggest that each is unique -- no two alike. This is quite patently not the
39768 case. People ... are simply a dime a dozen. And, I hasten to add, their
39769 only similarity to snowflakes resides in their invariable and lamentable
39770 tendency to turn, after a few warm days, to slush.
39771 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"
39773 People are always available for work in the past tense.
39775 People are beginning to notice you.
39776 Try dressing before you leave the house.
39778 People are like onions -- you cut them up, and they make you cry.
39780 People are unconditionally guaranteed to be full of defects.
39782 People don't change; they only become more so.
39784 People don't make the same mistake twice -- they make it three times,
39787 People don't usually make the same mistake twice -- they make it three
39788 times, four time, five times...
39790 People in general do not willingly read
39791 if they have anything else to amuse them.
39794 People love high ideals, but they got to be about 33-percent plausible.
39795 -- The Best of Will Rogers
39797 People need good lies. There are too many bad ones.
39798 -- Bokonon, "Cat's Cradle" by Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.
39800 People never lie so much as after a hunt, during a war, or before an
39802 -- Otto von Bismarck
39804 People of privilege will always risk their complete destruction
39805 rather than surrender any material part of their advantage.
39806 -- John Kenneth Galbraith
39808 People often find it easier to be a result of the past than a cause of
39811 People respond to people who respond.
39813 People say I live in my own little fantasy world... well, at least they
39817 People seem to enjoy things more when they know a lot of other people
39818 have been left out on the pleasure.
39821 People seem to think that the blanket phrase, "I only work here,"
39822 absolves them utterly from any moral obligation in terms of the
39823 public -- but this was precisely Eichmann's excuse for his job in
39824 the concentration camps.
39826 People tend to make rules for others and exceptions for themselves.
39828 People that can't find something to live for always seem to find something
39829 to die for. The problem is, they usually want the rest of us to die for
39832 "People think love is an emotion. Love is good sense."
39835 People usually get what's coming to them ... unless it's been mailed.
39837 People who are funny and smart and return phone calls get much better
39838 press than people who are just funny and smart.
39839 -- Howard Simons, "The Washington Post"
39841 People who claim they don't let little things bother them have never
39842 slept in a room with a single mosquito.
39844 People who fight fire with fire usually end up with ashes.
39845 -- Abigail Van Buren
39847 People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
39849 People who have no faults are terrible;
39850 there is no way of taking advantage of them.
39852 People who have what they want are very fond of telling people who
39853 haven't what they want that they don't want it.
39856 People who make no mistakes do not usually make anything.
39858 People who push both buttons should get their wish.
39860 People who take cat naps don't usually sleep in a cat's cradle.
39862 People who take cold baths never have rheumatism, but they have
39865 People who think they know everything
39866 greatly annoy those of us who do.
39868 People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that
39869 Benjamin Franklin said it first.
39871 People will buy anything that's one to a customer.
39873 People will do tomorrow what they did today because that is what they
39876 People with narrow minds usually have broad tongues.
39878 People's Action Rules:
39879 (1) Some people who can, shouldn't.
39880 (2) Some people who should, won't.
39881 (3) Some people who shouldn't, will.
39882 (4) Some people who can't, will try, regardless.
39883 (5) Some people who shouldn't, but try, will then blame others.
39885 Per buck you get more computing action with the small computer.
39888 Pereant, inquit, qui ante nos nostra dixerunt.
39889 "Confound those who have said our remarks before us."
39892 Pereant, inquit, qui ante nos nostra dixerunt.
39893 [Confound those who have said our remarks before us.]
39895 [May they perish who have expressed our bright ideas before us.]
39898 Perfect day for scrubbing the floor and other exciting things.
39901 One who makes his host feel at home.
39903 Perfection is reached, not when there is no longer anything to add, but
39904 when there is no longer anything to take away.
39905 -- Antoine de Saint-Exupery
39908 A statement of the speed at which a computer system works. Or
39909 rather, might work under certain circumstances. Or was rumored
39910 to be working over in Jersey about a month ago.
39912 Perhaps, after all, America never has been discovered.
39913 I myself would say that it had merely been detected.
39916 Perhaps no person can be a poet, or even enjoy
39917 poetry without a certain unsoundness of mind.
39920 Perhaps the biggest disappointments were the ones you expected anyway.
39922 Perhaps the most widespread illusion is that if we were in power we would
39923 behave very differently from those who now hold it -- when, in truth, in
39924 order to get power we would have to become very much like them. (Lenin's
39925 fatal mistake, both in theory and in practice.)
39927 Perhaps the world's second words crime is boredom. The first is
39931 Perilous to all of us are the devices of
39932 an art deeper than we ourselves possess.
39933 -- Gandalf the Grey
39935 Periphrasis is the putting of things in a round-about way. "The cost may be
39936 upwards of a figure rather below 10m#." is a periphrasis for The cost may be
39937 nearly 10m#. "In Paris there reigns a complete absence of really reliable
39938 news" is a periphrasis for There is no reliable news in Paris. "Rarely does
39939 the `Little Summer' linger until November, but at times its stay has been
39940 prolonged until quite late in the year's penultimate month" contains a
39941 periphrasis for November, and another for lingers. "The answer is in the
39942 negative" is a periphrasis for No. "Was made the recipient of" is a
39943 periphrasis for Was presented with. The periphrasis style is hardly possible
39944 on any considerable scale without much use of abstract nouns such as "basis,
39945 case, character, connexion, dearth, description, duration, framework, lack,
39946 nature, reference, regard, respect". The existence of abstract nouns is a
39947 proof that abstract thought has occurred; abstract thought is a mark of
39948 civilized man; and so it has come about that periphrasis and civilization are
39949 by many held to be inseparable. These good people feel that there is an almost
39950 indecent nakedness, a reversion to barbarism, in saying No news is good news
39951 instead of "The absence of intelligence is an indication of satisfactory
39953 -- Fowler's English Usage
39955 Persistence in one opinion has never been considered
39956 a merit in political leaders.
39957 -- Marcus Tullius Cicero, "Ad familiares", 1st century BC
39959 Personifiers of the world, unite!
39960 You have nothing to lose but Mr. Dignity!
39961 -- Bernadette Bosky
39963 Personifiers Unite! You have nothing to lose but Mr. Dignity!
39965 Persons attempting to find a motive in this narrative will be prosecuted;
39966 persons attempting to find a moral in it will be banished; persons attempting
39967 to find a plot in it will be shot. By Order of the Author
39968 -- Mark Twain, "Tom Sawyer"
39971 A man who spends all his time worrying about how he can keep the
39972 wolf from the door.
39975 A man who refuses to see the wolf until he seizes the seat of
39979 A man who invites the wolf in and appears the next day in a fur coat.
39981 Pete: Waiter, this meat is bad.
39982 Waiter: Who told you?
39983 Pete: A little swallow.
39985 Peter Wemm Murphy Field, n.:
39986 A field of abnormally frequent and severe Murphy's Law events
39987 emanating from Mr. Peter Wemm. The field was first discovered and
39988 identified in Denmark during the initial FreeBSD SMP development.
39989 Mr. Wemm was residing in Australia at the time.
39991 Peter's hungry, time to eat lunch.
39993 Peter's Law of Substitution:
39994 Look after the molehills, and the
39995 mountains will look after themselves.
39997 Peter's Principle of Success:
39998 Get up one time more than you're knocked down.
40001 In every hierarchy, each employee tends to rise to the level of
40004 Peter's Law of Substitution:
40005 Look after the molehills, and the mountains will look after
40008 Peterson's Admonition:
40009 When you think you're going down for the third time --
40010 just remember that you may have counted wrong.
40013 (1) Trucks that overturn on freeways
40014 are filled with something sticky.
40015 (2) No cute baby in a carriage is ever a girl when called one.
40016 (3) Things that tick are not always clocks.
40017 (4) Suicide only works when you're bluffing.
40020 Any sun-bleached prehistoric candy that has been sitting in
40021 the window of a vending machine too long.
40022 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
40024 Phasers locked on target, Captain.
40026 Philadelphia is not dull -- it just seems so because it is next to
40027 exciting Camden, New Jersey.
40029 Philadelphia is not dull -- it just seems so
40030 because it is next to exciting Camden, New Jersy.
40032 Philogyny recapitulates erogeny; erogeny recapitulates philogyny.
40035 The ability to bear with calmness the misfortunes of our friends.
40038 Unintelligible answers to insoluble problems.
40040 Philosophy will clip an angel's wings.
40043 Phone call for chucky-pooh.
40046 To flick a bulb on and off when it burns out (as if, somehow, that
40047 will bring it back to life).
40048 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
40050 Photographing a volcano is just about
40051 the most miserable thing you can do.
40052 -- Robert B. Goodman
40053 [Who has clearly never tried to use a PDP-10. Ed.]
40055 Physically there is nothing to distinguish human society from the
40056 farm-yard except that children are more troublesome and costly than
40057 chickens and women are not so completely enslaved as farm stock.
40058 -- George Bernard Shaw, "Getting Married"
40060 Pick another fortune cookie.
40062 Picking up the pieces of my sweet shattered dream,
40063 I wonder how the old folks are tonight,
40064 Her name was Ann, and I'll be damned if I recall her face,
40065 She left me not knowing what to do.
40067 Carefree Highway, let me slip away on you,
40068 Carefree Highway, you seen better days,
40069 The morning after blues, from my head down to my shoes,
40070 Carefree Highway, let me slip away, slip away, on you...
40072 Turning back the pages to the times I love best,
40073 I wonder if she'll ever do the same,
40074 Now the thing that I call livin' is just bein' satisfied,
40075 With knowing I got noone left to blame.
40076 Carefree Highway, I got to see you, my old flame...
40078 Searching through the fragments of my dream shattered sleep,
40079 I wonder if the years have closed her mind,
40080 I guess it must be wanderlust or tryin' to get free,
40081 From the good old faithful feelin' we once knew.
40082 -- Gordon Lightfoot, "Carefree Highway"
40085 If Congress must do a painful thing,
40086 the thing must be done in an odd-number year.
40088 "Picture the sun as the origin of two intersecting 6-dimensional
40089 hyperplanes from which we can deduce a certain transformational
40090 sequence which gives us the terminal velocity of a rubber duck ..."
40092 Piddle, twiddle, and resolve,
40093 Not one damn thing do we solve.
40096 Pie are not square. Pie are round. Cornbread are square.
40102 An animal (Porcus omnivorous) closely allied to the human race by
40103 the splendor and vivacity of its appetite, which, however, is
40104 inferior in scope, for it balks at pig.
40108 An animal (Porcus omnivorous) closely allied to the human race
40109 by the splendor and vivacity of its appetite, which, however, is
40110 inferior in scope, for it balks at pig.
40111 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
40113 Pilfering Treasure property is particularly dangerous: big thieves are
40114 ruthless in punishing little thieves.
40117 Pilots should avoid using illegal drugs.
40118 -- AOPA's Pilot's Handbook, 1988
40120 Piping down the valleys wild,
40121 Piping songs of pleasant glee,
40122 On a cloud I saw a child,
40123 And he laughing said to me:
40124 "Pipe a song about a Lamb!"
40125 So I piped with merry cheer.
40126 "Piper, pipe that song again;"
40127 So I piped: he wept to hear.
40128 -- William Blake, "Songs of Innocence"
40130 Pipo was born with few complications, but then the doctor accidentally dropped
40131 the infant on her head provoking her drunken father to drag the physician
40132 outside where he would beat him to death with a live ocelot.
40133 -- Love and Rockets
40135 PISCES (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20)
40136 You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being
40137 followed by the CIA or FBI. You have minor influence over your
40138 associates and people resent your flaunting of your power. You lack
40139 confidence and you are generally a coward. Pisces people do terrible
40140 things to small animals.
40142 PISCES (Feb. 19 to Mar. 20)
40143 Take the high road, look for the good things, carry the
40144 American Express card and a weapon. The world is yours today, as
40145 nobody else wants it. Your mortgage will be foreclosed. You will
40146 probably get run over by a bus.
40148 PISCES (Feb.19 - Mar.20)
40149 You will get some very interesting news of a promotion today.
40150 It will go to someone in the office you dislike and will be the
40151 job you wanted. Don't lend anyone a car today. You don't have
40154 Pity the meek, for they shall inherit the earth.
40158 A mischievous, magical spirit associated with screen displays.
40159 The computer industry has frequently borrowed from mythology:
40160 Witness the sprites in computer graphics, the demons in artificial
40161 intelligence, and the trolls in the marketing department.
40166 -- Prof. Michael O'Longhlin, S.U.N.Y. Purchase
40168 Plagiarize, plagiarize,
40169 Let no man's work evade your eyes,
40170 Remember why the good Lord made your eyes,
40171 Don't shade your eyes,
40172 But plagiarize, plagiarize, plagiarize.
40173 Only be sure to call it research.
40176 Planet Claire has pink hair.
40177 All the trees are red.
40178 No one ever dies there.
40179 No one has a head....
40181 Plastic... Aluminum... These are the inheritors of the Universe!
40182 Flesh and Blood have had their day... and that day is past!
40183 -- Green Lantern Comics
40185 Plato, by the way, wanted to banish all poets from his proposed Utopia
40186 because they were liars. The truth was that Plato knew philosophers
40187 couldn't compete successfully with poets.
40188 -- Kilgore Trout (Philip J. Farmer) "Venus on the Half
40191 PLATONIC FRIENDSHIP:
40192 What develops when two people get
40193 tired of making love to each other.
40195 Play Rogue, visit exotic locations, meet strange creatures and kill
40198 Playing an unamplified electric guitar is like strumming on a picnic
40200 -- Dave Barry, "The Snake"
40202 Please do not look directly into laser with remaining eye.
40204 Please don't put a strain on our friendship
40205 by asking me to do something for you.
40207 Please don't recommend me to your friends--
40208 it's difficult enough to cope with you alone.
40210 PLEASE DON'T SMOKE HERE!
40212 Penalty: An early, lingering death from cancer,
40213 emphysema, or other smoking-caused ailment.
40215 Please forgive me if, in the heat of battle,
40216 I sometimes forget which side I'm on.
40220 Please help keep the world clean: others may wish to use it.
40222 Please ignore previous fortune.
40224 Please keep your hands off the secretary's reproducing equipment.
40226 Please, Mother! I'd rather do it myself!
40228 Please remain calm, it's no use both of
40229 us being hysterical at the same time.
40231 Please stand for the Nation Anthem:
40234 Our home and native land
40236 In all thy sons' command
40237 With glowing hearts we see thee rise
40238 The true north strong and free
40239 From far and wide, O Canada
40240 We stand on guard for thee
40241 God keep our land glorious and free
40242 O Canada we stand on guard for thee
40243 O Canada we stand on guard for thee
40245 Thank you. You may resume your seat.
40247 Please stand for the National Anthem:
40249 Australian's all, let us rejoice,
40250 For we are young and free.
40251 We've golden soil and wealth for toil
40252 Our home is girt by sea.
40253 Our land abounds in nature's gifts
40254 Of beauty rich and rare.
40255 In history's page, let every stage
40256 Advance Australia Fair.
40257 In joyful strains then let us sing,
40258 Advance Australia Fair.
40260 Thank you. You may resume your seat.
40262 Please stand for the National Anthem:
40264 God save our Gracious Queen!
40265 Long live our Noble Queen!
40266 God save the Queen!
40267 Send her victorious,
40268 Happy and glorious,
40269 Long to reign o'er us!
40270 God save the Queen!
40272 Thank you. You may resume your seat.
40274 Please stand for the National Anthem:
40276 Oh, say can you see by dawn's early light
40277 What so proudly we hailed at the twilight's last gleaming?
40278 Whose broad stripes and bright stars through the perilous fight
40279 O'er the ramparts we watched were so gallantly streaming?
40280 And the rockets' red glare, the bombs bursting in air,
40281 Gave proof through the night that our flag was still there.
40282 Oh, say does that star-spangled banner yet wave
40283 O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave?
40285 Thank you. You may resume your seat.
40289 Please try to limit the amount of "this room doesn't have any bazingas"
40290 until you are told that those rooms are "punched out". Once punched
40291 out, we have a right to complain about atrocities, missing bazingas,
40295 Please, won't somebody tell me what diddie-wa-diddie means?
40297 PL/I -- "the fatal disease" -- belongs more to the problem set than to the
40299 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5
40301 Plots are like girdles. Hidden, they hold your interest; revealed, they're
40302 of no interest except to fetishists. Like girdles, they attempt to contain
40303 an uncontainable experience.
40309 (to Supercalifragilisticexpialidocius)
40311 Pillage, rape, and loot and burn, but all in moderation.
40312 If you do the things we say, then you'll soon rule the nation.
40313 Kill your foes and enemies and then kill your relations.
40314 Pillage, rape, and loot and burn, but all in moderation.
40316 Plus ca change, plus c'est le meme chose.
40319 Nothing is so good that somebody, somewhere, will not hate it.
40321 poisoned coffee, n:
40322 Grounds for divorce.
40324 Poland has gun control.
40326 Police: Good evening, are you the host?
40328 Police: We've been getting complaints about this party.
40329 Host: About the drugs?
40331 Host: About the guns, then? Is somebody complaining about the guns?
40332 Police: No, the noise.
40333 Host: Oh, the noise. Well that makes sense because there are no guns
40334 or drugs here. (An enormous explosion is heard in the
40335 background.) Or fireworks. Who's complaining about the noise?
40337 Police: No, the neighbors fled inland hours ago. Most of the recent
40338 complaints have come from Pittsburgh. Do you think you could
40339 ask the host to quiet things down?
40340 Host: No Problem. (At this point, a Volkswagen bug with primitive
40341 religious symbols drawn on the doors emerges from the living
40342 room and roars down the hall, past the police and onto the
40343 lawn, where it smashes into a tree. Eight guests tumble out
40344 onto the grass, moaning.) See? Things are starting to wind
40347 Political history is far too criminal a subject to be a fit thing to
40351 Political speeches are like steer horns. A point
40352 here, a point there, and a lot of bull inbetween.
40353 -- Alfred E. Neuman
40355 Political television commercials prove one thing: some candidates
40356 can tell all their good points and qualifications in just 30 seconds.
40358 Political T.V. commercials prove one thing: some candidates can tell
40359 all their good points and qualifications in just 30 seconds.
40362 An eel in the fundamental mud upon which the superstructure of
40363 organized society is reared. When he wriggles, he mistakes the
40364 agitation of his tail for the trembling of the edifice. As compared
40365 with the statesman, he suffers the disadvantage of being alive.
40366 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
40369 From the Greek "poly" ("many") and the French "tete" ("head" or
40370 "face," as in "tete-a-tete": head to head or face to face). Hence
40371 "polytetien", a person of two or more faces.
40374 Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even
40375 where there is no river.
40376 -- Nikita Khrushchev
40378 Politicians should read science fiction, not westerns and detective stories.
40379 -- Arthur C. Clarke
40381 Politicians speak for their parties, and parties never are, never have
40382 been, and never will be wrong.
40385 Politics -- the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign
40386 funds from the rich by promising to protect each from the other.
40389 Politics and the fate of mankind are formed by men without ideals and
40390 without greatness. Those who have greatness within them do not go in
40394 Politics are almost as exciting as war, and quite as
40395 dangerous. In war, you can only be killed once.
40396 -- Winston Churchill
40398 Politics, as a practice, whatever its professions, has always been the
40399 systematic organisation of hatreds.
40400 -- Henry Adams, "The Education of Henry Adams"
40402 Politics is like coaching a football team. You have to be smart enough
40403 to understand the game but not smart enough to lose interest.
40405 Politics is not the art of the possible. It consists in choosing
40406 between the disastrous and the unpalatable.
40407 -- John Kenneth Galbraith
40409 Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to
40410 realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
40413 Politics is the ability to foretell what is going to happen tomorrow, next
40414 week, next month and next year. And to have the ability afterwards to
40415 explain why it didn't happen.
40416 -- Winston Churchill
40418 Politics, like religion, hold up the
40419 torches of martyrdom to the reformers of error.
40420 -- Thomas Jefferson
40422 Politics makes strange bedfellows, and journalism makes strange politics.
40426 A strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles.
40427 The conduct of public affairs for private advantage.
40430 Pollyanna's Educational Constant:
40431 The hyperactive child is never absent.
40436 Polymer physicists are into chains.
40439 When you pull a plastic garbage bag from its handy dispenser
40440 package, you always get hold of the closed end and try to
40443 Pope Goestheveezl was the shortest reigning pope in the history of the
40444 Church, reigning for two hours and six minutes on 1 April 1866. The
40445 white smoke had hardly faded into the blue of the Vatican skies before
40446 it dawned on the assembled multitudes in St. Peter's Square that his
40447 name had hilarious possibilities. The crowds fell about, helpless with
40449 Half a pound of tuppenny rice
40450 Half a pound of treacle
40451 That's the way the chimney smokes
40453 The square was finally cleared by armed carabineri with tears of
40454 laughter streaming down their faces. The event set a record for
40455 hilarious civic functions, smashing the previous record set when Baron
40456 Hans Neizant B"
\bompzidaize was elected Landburgher of K"
\boln in 1653.
40457 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
40459 Populus vult decipi.
40460 [The people like to be deceived.]
40462 Porsche; there simply is no substitute.
40466 Survives system reboot.
40469 Being mistaken at the top of your voice.
40472 Mistaken at the top of one's voice.
40473 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
40475 Possessions increase to fill the space available for their storage.
40478 Post proelium, praemium.
40479 [After the battle, the reward.]
40481 Postmen never die, they just lose their zip.
40483 Potahto' Pictures Productions Presents:
40485 SPUD ROGERS OF THE 25TH CENTURY: Story of an Air Force potato that's
40486 left in a rarely used chow hall for over two centuries and wakes up in a world
40487 populated by soybean created imitations under the evil Dick Tater. Thanks to
40488 him, the soy-potatoes learn that being a 'tater is where it's at. Memorable
40489 line, "'Cause I'm just a stud spud!"
40491 FRIDAY THE 13TH DINER SERIES: Crazed potato who was left in a
40492 fryer too long and was charbroiled carelessly returns to wreak havoc on
40493 unsuspecting, would-be teen camp cooks. Scenes include a girl being stuffed
40494 with chives and Fleischman's Margarine and a boy served up on a side dish
40495 with beets and dressing. Definitely not for the squeamish, or those on
40496 diets that are driving them crazy.
40498 FRIDAY THE 13TH DINER II,III,IV,V,VI: Much, much more of the same.
40499 Except with sour cream.
40501 Potahto' Pictures Productions Presents:
40503 THE TATERNATOR: Cyborg spud returns from the future to present-day
40504 McDonald's restaurant to kill the potatoess (girl 'tater) who will give birth
40505 to the world's largest french fry (The Dark Powers of Burger King are clearly
40506 behind this). Most quotable line: "Ah'll be baked..."
40508 A FISTFUL OF FRIES: Western in which our hero, The Spud with No Name,
40509 rides into a town that's deprived of carbohydrates thanks to the evil takeover
40510 of the low-cal Scallopinni Brothers. Plenty of smokeouts, fry-em-ups, and
40511 general butter-melting by all.
40513 FOR A FEW FRIES MORE: Takes up where AFOF left off! Cameo by Walter
40514 Cronkite, as every man's common 'tater!
40516 Pound for pound, the amoeba is the most vicious animal on earth.
40519 An unfortunate state that persists as long
40520 as anyone lacks anything he would like to have.
40522 Poverty begins at home.
40524 Poverty must have its satisfactions, else there would not be so many
40528 Power and ignorance is a detestable cocktail.
40529 -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967)
40531 Power corrupts. Absolute power is kind of neat.
40532 -- John Lehman, Secretary of the Navy 1981-1987
40534 Power corrupts. And atomic power corrupts atomically.
40536 Power corrupts. Powerpoint corrupts absolutely.
40541 Power is the finest token of affection.
40543 Power, like a desolating pestilence,
40544 Pollutes whate'er it touches...
40545 -- Percy Bysshe Shelley
40548 The only narcotic regulated by the SEC instead of the FDA.
40550 Power tends to corrupt, absolute power corrupts absolutely.
40553 PPRB -- Pillage, plunder, rape and burn.
40555 Practical people would be more practical if they would take a little
40556 more time for dreaming.
40559 Practical politics consists in ignoring facts.
40562 Practically perfect people never permit
40563 sentiment to muddle their thinking.
40566 Practice is the best of all instructors.
40569 Practice yourself what you preach.
40570 -- Titus Maccius Plautus
40573 Vast plains covered by treeless forests.
40575 Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition.
40576 -- Stephen Coonts, "The Minotaur"
40578 Praise the sea; on shore remain.
40582 To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf
40583 of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.
40586 Pray to God, but keep rowing to shore.
40589 Predestination was doomed from the start.
40591 Prediction is very difficult, especially of the future.
40595 A vagrant opinion without visible means of support.
40598 Premature optimization is the root of all evil.
40601 Preserve the old, but know the new.
40603 Preserve wildlife -- pickle a squirrel today!
40605 Preserve Wildlife! Throw a party today!
40607 President Reagan has noted that there are too many economic pundits and
40608 forecasters and has decided on an excess prophets tax.
40610 President Thieu says he'll quit if he doesn't get more than 50% of the
40611 vote. In a democracy, that's not called quitting.
40612 -- The Washington Post
40614 Pretend to spank me -- I'm a pseudo-masochist!
40616 Preudhomme's Law of Window Cleaning:
40617 It's on the other side.
40620 It's all a game -- play it to have fun.
40622 [Prime Minister Joseph] Chamberlain loves the working man -- he loves
40624 -- Winston Churchill
40626 [Prime Minister MacDonald] has the gift of compressing the
40627 largest amount of words into the smallest amount of thought.
40628 -- Winston Churchill
40630 Prince Hamlet thought Uncle a traitor
40631 For having it off with his Mater;
40632 Revenge Dad or not?
40633 That's the gist of the plot,
40634 And he did -- nine soliloquies later.
40635 -- Stanley J. Sharpless
40637 Princeton's taste is sweet like a strawberry tart. Harvard's is a subtle
40638 taste, like whiskey, coffee, or tobacco. It may even be a bad habit, for
40640 -- Prof. J. H. Finley '25
40643 A statement of the importance of a user or a program. Often
40644 expressed as a relative priority, indicating that the user doesn't
40645 care when the work is completed so long as he is treated less
40646 badly than someone else.
40648 Prisons are built with stones of Law, brothels with bricks of Religion.
40651 Prizes are for children.
40653 upon being given, but refusing, the Pulitzer prize
40655 Pro is to con as progress is to Congress.
40657 Probable-Possible, my black hen,
40658 She lays eggs in the Relative When.
40659 She doesn't lay eggs in the Positive Now
40660 Because she's unable to postulate how.
40661 -- Frederick Winsor
40663 Probably the question asked most often is: Do one-celled animals have
40664 orgasms? The answer is yes, they have orgasms almost constantly, which
40665 is why they don't mind living in pools of warm slime.
40666 -- Dave Barry, "Sex and the Single Amoeba: What Every
40670 A man who never buys.
40672 Producers seem to be so prejudiced against actors who've had no training.
40673 And there's no reason for it. So what if I didn't attend the Royal Academy
40674 for twelve years? I'm still a professional trying to be the best actress
40675 I can. Why doesn't anyone send me the scripts that Faye Dunaway gets?
40676 -- Farrah Fawcett-Majors
40678 Prof: So the American government went to IBM to come up with a data
40679 encryption standard and they came up with ...
40682 Profanity is the one language all programmers know best.
40684 Professor Gorden Newell threw another shutout in last week's Chem Eng. 130
40685 midterm. Once again a student did not receive a single point on his exam.
40686 Newell has now tossed 5 shutouts this quarter. Newell's earned exam average
40687 has now dropped to a phenomenal 30%.
40689 Professor Gorden Newell threw another shutout in last week's Chem.
40690 Eng. 130 midterm. Once again no student received a single point on
40691 his exam. Newell has now tossed five shutouts this quarter. Newell's
40692 earned exam average has now dropped to a phenomenal 30%
40695 Any task that can't be completed in one telephone call or one
40696 day. Once a task is defined as a program ("training program,"
40697 "sales program," or "marketing program"), its implementation
40698 always justifies hiring at least three more people.
40701 A magic spell cast over a computer allowing it to turn one's input
40702 into error messages. tr.v. To engage in a pastime similar to banging
40703 one's head against a wall, but with fewer opportunities for reward.
40705 Programmers do it bit by bit.
40707 Programmers used to batch environments may find it hard to live
40708 without giant listings; we would find it hard to use them.
40709 -- Dennis M. Ritchie
40711 Programming Department:
40712 Mistakes made while you wait.
40714 Programming is an unnatural act.
40716 Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to
40717 build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying
40718 to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.
40722 Medieval man thought disease was caused by invisible demons
40723 invading the body and taking possession of it.
40725 Modern man knows disease is caused by microscopic bacteria
40726 and viruses invading the body and causing it to malfunction.
40728 Progress is impossible without change, and those who
40729 cannot change their minds cannot change anything.
40730 -- George Bernard Shaw
40732 Progress means replacing a theory that
40733 is wrong with one more subtly wrong.
40735 Progress might have been all right once, but it's gone on too long.
40738 Progress was all right. Only it went on too long.
40741 Promise her anything, but give her Exxon unleaded.
40743 Promising costs nothing, it's the delivering that kills you.
40745 PROMOTION FROM WITHIN:
40746 A system of moving incompetents up to the policy-making
40747 level where they can't foul up operations.
40749 Promptness is its own reward, if one lives by the clock instead of the sword.
40751 Proof techniques #1: Proof by Induction.
40753 This technique is used on equations with "_
\bn" in them. Induction
40754 techniques are very popular, even the military used them.
40756 SAMPLE: Proof of induction without proof of induction.
40758 We know it's true for _
\bn equal to 1. Now assume that it's true
40759 for every natural number less than _
\bn. _
\bN is arbitrary, so we can take _
\bn
40760 as large as we want. If _
\bn is sufficiently large, the case of _
\bn+1 is
40761 trivially equivalent, so the only important _
\bn are _
\bn less than _
\bn. We
40762 can take _
\bn = _
\bn (from above), so it's true for _
\bn+1 because it's just
40764 QED. (QED translates from the Latin as "So what?")
40766 Proof techniques #2: Proof by Oddity.
40767 SAMPLE: To prove that horses have an infinite number of legs.
40768 (1) Horses have an even number of legs.
40769 (2) They have two legs in back and fore legs in front.
40770 (3) This makes a total of six legs, which certainly is an odd number of
40772 (4) But the only number that is both odd and even is infinity.
40773 (5) Therefore, horses must have an infinite number of legs.
40775 Topics to be covered in future issues include proof by:
40777 Gesticulation (handwaving)
40779 Constipation (I was just sitting there and ...)
40781 Changing all the 2's to _
\bn's
40783 Lack of a counterexample, and
40784 "It stands to reason"
40786 Proper treatment will cure a cold in seven days,
40787 but left to itself, a cold will hang on for a week.
40790 Proposed Additions to the PDP-11 Instruction Set:
40792 BBW Branch Both Ways
40793 BEW Branch Either Way
40794 BBBF Branch on Bit Bucket Full
40796 BMR Branch Multiple Registers
40798 BPO Branch on Power Off
40799 BST Backspace and Stretch Tape
40800 CDS Condense and Destroy System
40801 CLBR Clobber Register
40802 CLBRI Clobber Register Immediately
40803 CM Circulate Memory
40804 CMFRM Come From -- essential for truly structured programming
40805 CPPR Crumple Printer Paper and Rip
40806 CRN Convert to Roman Numerals
40808 Proposed Additions to the PDP-11 Instruction Set:
40810 DC Divide and Conquer
40811 DMPK Destroy Memory Protect Key
40812 DO Divide and Overflow
40813 EMPC Emulate Pocket Calculator
40814 EPI Execute Programmer Immediately
40815 EROS Erase Read Only Storage
40816 EXCE Execute Customer Engineer
40817 HCF Halt and Catch Fire
40818 IBP Insert Bug and Proceed
40819 INSQSW Insert into queue somewhere (for FINO queues [First in never out])
40820 PBC Print and Break Chain
40823 Proposed Additions to the PDP-11 Instruction Set:
40826 POPI Punch Operator Immediately
40827 PVLC Punch Variable Length Card
40828 RASC Read And Shred Card
40829 RPM Read Programmers Mind
40830 RSSC Reduce Speed, Step Carefully (for improved accuracy)
40831 RTAB Rewind Tape and Break
40833 RWOC Read Writing On Card
40834 SCRBL Scribble to disk - faster than a write
40835 SLC Search for Lost Chord
40836 SPSW Scramble Program Status Word
40837 SRSD Seek Record and Scar Disk
40838 STROM Store in Read Only Memory
40839 TDB Transfer and Drop Bit
40840 WBT Water Binary Tree
40842 Prosperity makes friends, adversity tries them.
40845 Prototype designs always work.
40849 First stage in the life cycle of a computer product, followed by
40850 pre-alpha, alpha, beta, release version, corrected release version,
40851 upgrade, corrected upgrade, etc. Unlike its successors, the
40852 prototype is not expected to work.
40854 "Protozoa are small, and bacteria are small, but viruses are smaller
40855 than the both put together."
40857 Providence New Jersey is one of the few cities
40858 where Velveeta cheese appears on the gourmet shelf.
40860 Prunes give you a run for your money.
40862 Pryor's Observation:
40863 How long you live has nothing to do
40864 with how long you are going to be dead.
40866 Psychiatrists say that one out of four people are mentally ill. Check
40867 three friends. If they're OK, you're it.
40869 Psychiatry enables us to correct our faults by confessing our parents'
40871 -- Dr. Laurence J. Peter, "Peter's Principles"
40873 Psychics will soon lead dogs to your body.
40875 Psychoanalysis is that mental illness for which it regards itself
40879 Psychiatry is the care of the id by the odd.
40881 Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.
40885 Someone who watches everyone else when an attractive woman walks
40888 Psychologists think they're experimental psychologists.
40889 Experimental psychologists think they're biologists.
40890 Biologists think they're biochemists.
40891 Biochemists think they're chemists.
40892 Chemists think they're physical chemists.
40893 Physical chemists think they're physicists.
40894 Physicists think they're theoretical physicists.
40895 Theoretical physicists think they're mathematicians.
40896 Mathematicians think they're metamathematicians.
40897 Metamathematicians think they're philosophers.
40898 Philosophers think they're gods.
40900 Psychology. Mind over matter.
40901 Mind under matter? It doesn't matter.
40904 Psychotherapy is the theory that the patient will probably get well
40905 anyhow and is certainly a damn fool.
40908 Public use of any portable music system is a
40909 virtually guaranteed indicator of sociopathic tendencies.
40912 Publishing a volume of verse is like dropping
40913 a rose petal down the Grand Canyon and waiting for the echo.
40916 Anything that begins well will end badly.
40917 (Note: The converse of Pudder's law is not true.)
40919 Punning is the worst vice, and there's no vice versa.
40921 Puns are little "plays on words" that a certain breed of person loves to
40922 spring on you and then look at you in a certain self-satisfied way to indicate
40923 that he thinks that you must think that he is by far the cleverest person
40924 on Earth now that Benjamin Franklin is dead, when in fact what you are
40925 thinking is that if this person ever ends up in a lifeboat, the other
40926 passengers will hurl him overboard by the end of the first day even if they
40927 have plenty of food and water.
40930 Puns are little "plays on words" that a certain breed of person loves
40931 to spring on you and then look at you in a certain self-satisfied way
40932 to indicate that he thinks that you must think that he is by far the
40933 cleverest person on Earth now that Benjamin Franklin is dead, when in
40934 fact what you are thinking is that if this person ever ends up in a
40935 lifeboat, the other passengers will hurl him overboard by the end of
40936 the first day even if they have plenty of food and water.
40937 -- Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny"
40939 Pure drivel tends to drive ordinary drivel off the TV screen.
40944 Someone who is deathly afraid that
40945 someone, somewhere, is having fun.
40947 Puritanism -- the haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.
40948 -- H. L. Mencken, "A Book of Burlesques"
40951 To take something off the grocery shelf, decide you
40952 don't want it, and then put it in another section.
40953 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
40955 Push where it gives and scratch where it itches.
40957 Pushing 30 is exercise enough.
40959 Pushing 40 is exercise enough.
40961 Pushing forty is exercise enough.
40963 Put a pot of chili on the stove to simmer.
40964 Let it simmer. Meanwhile, broil a good steak.
40965 Eat the steak. Let the chili simmer. Ignore it.
40966 -- Recipe for chili from Allan Shrivers, former governor
40969 Put a rogue in the limelight and he will act like an honest man.
40970 -- Napoleon Bonaparte, "Maxims"
40972 Put all your eggs in one basket and -- WATCH THAT BASKET.
40975 Put another password in,
40976 Bomb it out, then try again.
40977 Try to get past logging in,
40978 We're hacking, hacking, hacking.
40980 Try his first wife's maiden name,
40981 This is more than just a game.
40982 It's real fun, but just the same,
40983 It's hacking, hacking, hacking.
40985 Put cats in the coffee and mice in the tea!
40987 Put no trust in cryptic comments.
40989 Put not your trust in money, but put your money in trust.
40991 Put your best foot forward.
40992 Or just call in and say you're sick.
40994 Put your brain in gear before starting your mouth in motion.
40996 Put your Nose to the Grindstone!
40997 -- Amalgamated Plastic Surgeons and Toolmakers, Ltd.
40999 Put your trust in those who are worthy.
41002 Technology is dominated by two types of people:
41003 Those who understand what they do not manage.
41004 Those who manage what they do not understand.
41006 Pyro's of the world... IGNITE !!!
41011 Q: Have you heard about the man who didn't pay for his exorcism?
41012 A: He got re-possessed!
41014 Q: How can we get the Beatles to reunite for one more concert?
41015 A: With three more bullets.
41017 Q: How can you tell if an elephant is having an affair with
41019 A: You have to wait 22 months.
41021 Q: How can you tell if an elephant is sitting on your back
41023 A: You can hear his ears flapping in the wind.
41025 Q: How can you tell when a Burroughs salesman is lying?
41026 A: When his lips move.
41028 Q: How did the elephant get to the top of the oak tree?
41029 A: He sat on a acorn and waited for spring.
41031 Q: But how did he get back down?
41032 A: He crawled out on a leaf and waited for autumn.
41034 Q: How do you catch a unique rabbit?
41035 A: Unique up on it!
41037 Q: How do you catch a tame rabbit?
41040 Q: How do you keep a moron in suspense?
41042 Q: How do you keep an Aggie busy at a terminal?
41043 A: While he's not looking, switch it to "local".
41045 Q: How do you know when you're in the <ethnic> section of Vermont?
41046 A: The maple sap buckets are hanging on utility poles.
41048 Q: How do you make an elephant float?
41049 A: You get two scoops of elephant and some rootbeer...
41051 Q: How do you save a drowning lawyer?
41052 A: Throw him a rock.
41054 Q: How do you shoot a blue elephant?
41055 A: With a blue-elephant gun.
41057 Q: How do you shoot a pink elephant?
41058 A: Twist its trunk until it turns blue, then shoot it with
41059 a blue-elephant gun.
41061 Q: How do you stop an elephant from charging?
41062 A: Take away his credit cards.
41064 Q: How does a hacker fix a function which
41065 doesn't work for all of the elements in its domain?
41066 A: He changes the domain.
41068 Q: How does a single woman in New York get rid of cockroaches?
41069 A: She asks them for a commitment.
41071 Q: How does a WASP propose marriage?
41072 A: "How would you like to be buried with my people?"
41074 Q: How many Bell Labs Vice Presidents does it take to change a light bulb?
41075 A: That's proprietary information. Answer available from AT&T on payment
41076 of license fee (binary only).
41078 Q: How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?
41079 A: Two. One to assure everyone that everything possible is being
41080 done while the other screws the bulb into the water faucet.
41082 Q: How many Californians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
41083 A: Five. One to screw in the lightbulb and four to share the
41084 experience. (Actually, Californians don't screw in
41085 lightbulbs, they screw in hot tubs.)
41087 Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
41088 A: Three. One to screw in the lightbulb and two to fend off all
41089 those Californians trying to share the experience.
41091 Q: How many college football players does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
41092 A: Only one, but he gets three credits for it.
41094 Q: How many Democrats does it take to enjoy a good joke?
41095 A: One more than you can find.
41097 Q: How many elephants can you fit in a VW Bug?
41098 A: Four. Two in the front, two in the back.
41100 Q: How can you tell if an elephant is in your refrigerator?
41101 A: There's a footprint in the mayo.
41103 Q: How can you tell if two elephants are in your refrigerator?
41104 A: There's two footprints in the mayo.
41106 Q: How can you tell if three elephants are in your refrigerator?
41107 A: The door won't shut.
41109 Q: How can you tell if four elephants are in your refrigerator?
41110 A: There's a VW Bug in your driveway.
41112 Q: How many hardware engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
41113 A: None. We'll fix it in software.
41115 Q: How many system programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
41116 A: None. The application can work around it.
41118 Q: How many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
41119 A: None. We'll document it in the manual.
41121 Q: How many tech writers does it take to change a lightbulb?
41122 A: None. The user can figure it out.
41124 Q: How many Harvard MBA's does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
41125 A: Just one. He grasps it firmly and the universe revolves around him.
41127 Q: How many IBM 370's does it take to execute a job?
41128 A: Four, three to hold it down, and one to rip its head off.
41130 Q: How many IBM types does it take to change a light bulb?
41131 A: Fifteen. One to do it, and fourteen to write document number
41132 GC7500439-0001, Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility,
41133 of which 10% of the pages state only "This page intentionally
41134 left blank", and 20% of the definitions are of the form "A:.....
41135 consists of sequences of non-blank characters separated by blanks".
41137 Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
41138 A: One. Only it's his light bulb when he's done.
41140 Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
41141 A: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", and the
41142 party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith
41143 agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part shall be removed
41144 from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed
41145 upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of
41146 the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entryway, terminating
41147 at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of
41148 the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the
41149 second part and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the
41151 The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be
41152 limited to, the following. The party of the first part shall, with or without
41153 elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other
41154 means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part and rotate the party
41155 of the second part in a counter-clockwise direction, this point being tendered
41156 non-negotiable. Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part
41157 becomes fully detached from the receptacle, the party of the first part shall
41158 have the option of disposing of the party of the second part in a manner
41159 consistent with all relevant and applicable local, state and federal statutes.
41160 Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part
41161 shall have the option of beginning installation. Aforesaid installation shall
41162 occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in
41163 step one of this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation
41164 should occur in a clockwise direction, this point also being non-negotiable.
41165 The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the
41166 first part, by any or all agents authorized by him, the objective being to
41167 produce the most possible revenue for the Partnership.
41169 Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
41170 A: You won't find a lawyer who can change a light bulb. Now, if
41171 you're looking for a lawyer to screw a light bulb...
41173 Q: How many marketing people does it take to change a lightbulb?
41174 A: I'll have to get back to you on that.
41176 Q: How many Marxists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
41177 A: None: The lightbulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.
41179 Q: How many members of the U.S.S. Enterprise does it take to change a
41181 A: Seven. Scotty has to report to Captain Kirk that the light bulb in
41182 the Engineering Section is getting dim, at which point Kirk will send
41183 Bones to pronounce the bulb dead (although he'll immediately claim
41184 that he's a doctor, not an electrician). Scotty, after checking
41185 around, realizes that they have no more new light bulbs, and complains
41186 that he "canna" see in the dark. Kirk will make an emergency stop at
41187 the next uncharted planet, Alpha Regula IV, to procure a light bulb
41188 from the natives, who, are friendly, but seem to be hiding something.
41189 Kirk, Spock, Bones, Yeoman Rand and two red shirt security officers
41190 beam down to the planet, where the two security officers are promptly
41191 killed by the natives, and the rest of the landing party is captured.
41192 As something begins to develop between the Captain and Yeoman Rand,
41193 Scotty, back in orbit, is attacked by a Klingon destroyer and must
41194 warp out of orbit. Although badly outgunned, he cripples the Klingon
41195 and races back to the planet in order to rescue Kirk et. al. who have
41196 just saved the natives' from an awful fate and, as a reward, been
41197 given all lightbulbs they can carry. The new bulb is then inserted
41198 and the Enterprise continues on its five year mission.
41200 Q: How many people from New Jersey does it take to change a light
41202 A: Three. One to do it, one to watch, and the third to shoot the
41205 Q: How many pre-med's does it take to change a lightbulb?
41206 A: Five: One to change the bulb and four to pull the ladder
41207 out from under him.
41209 Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
41210 A: Only one, but it takes a long time, and the light bulb has
41211 to really want to change.
41213 Q: "How many Romulans does it take to screw in a light bulb?"
41214 A: "Twelve; one to screw the light-bulb in, and eleven to self-destruct
41215 the ship out of disgrace."
41217 [Warning: do not tell this joke to Romulans or else be ready for
41218 a fight. They consider it to be a disgrace, though it's
41219 pretty good for a LBJ. Ed.]
41221 Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
41222 A: Two, one to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the bathtub
41223 with brightly colored machine tools.
41225 [Surrealist jokes just aren't my cup of fur. Ed.]
41227 Q: How many WASP's does it take to change a lightbulb?
41230 Q: How much does it cost to ride the Unibus?
41233 Q: How was Thomas J. Watson buried?
41236 Q: Know what the difference between your latest project
41237 and putting wings on an elephant is?
41238 A: Who knows? The elephant *might* fly, heh, heh...
41240 Q: Minnesotans ask, "Why aren't there more pharmacists from Alabama?"
41241 A: Easy. It's because they can't figure out how to get the little
41242 bottles into the typewriter.
41244 Q: Somebody just posted that Roman Polanski directed Star Wars.
41247 A: Post the correct answer at once! We can't have people go on
41248 believing that! Very good of you to spot this. You'll probably
41249 be the only one to make the correction, so post as soon as you
41250 can. No time to lose, so certainly don't wait a day, or check to
41251 see if somebody else has made the correction. And it's not good
41252 enough to send the message by mail. Since you're the only one who
41253 really knows that it was Francis Coppola, you have to inform the
41254 whole net right away!
41255 -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette
41257 Q: What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill?
41258 A: "The elephants are coming over the hill."
41260 Q: What did he say when saw them coming over the hill wearing
41262 A: Nothing, for he didn't recognize them.
41264 Q: What do a blonde and your computer have in common?
41265 A: You don't know how much either of them mean to you until
41266 they go down on you.
41268 Q: What's the advantage to being married to a blonde?
41269 A: You can park in the handicapped zone.
41271 Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw
41272 puzzle in only 6 months?
41273 A: Because on the box it said "From 2-4 years".
41275 Q: What do little WASPs want to be when they grow up?
41276 A: The very best person they can possibly be.
41278 Q: What do monsters eat?
41281 Q: What do monsters drink?
41282 A: Coke. (Because Things go better with Coke.)
41284 Q: What do they call the alphabet in Arkansas?
41285 A: The impossible dream.
41287 Q: What do WASP's do instead of making love?
41288 A: Rule the country.
41290 Q: What do Winnie the Pooh and John the Baptist have in common?
41291 A: The same middle name.
41293 Q: What do you call 15 blondes in a circle?
41296 Q: Why do blondes put their hair in ponytails?
41297 A: To cover up the valve stem.
41299 Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw
41300 puzzle in only 6 months?
41301 A: Because on the box it said "From 2-4 years".
41303 Q: What do you call a blind pre-historic animal?
41304 A: Diyathinkhesaurus.
41306 Q: What do you call a blind pre-historic animal with a dog?
41307 A: Diyathinkhesaurus Rex.
41309 Q: What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?
41312 Q: What do you call a brunette between two blondes?
41315 Q: Why do blondes have square breasts?
41316 A: They forgot to take the tissues out of the box.
41318 Q: What do you call ten blonds in a row?
41321 Q: What do you call a dog with no legs?
41322 A: What does it matter? He can't come anyway.
41324 [I got a dog with no legs -- I call him Cigarette.
41325 Every night, I take him out for a drag. Ed.]
41327 Q: What do you call a group of kids with low IQ's, drinking diet cola,
41328 eating fruit, and singing?
41329 A: The Moron Tab and Apple Choir.
41331 Q: What do you call a half-dozen Indians with Asian flu?
41332 A: Six sick Sikhs (sic).
41334 Q: What do you call a million cats at the bottom of Lake Michigan?
41337 Q: What do you call a principal female opera singer whose high C
41338 is lower than those of other principal female opera singers?
41341 Q: What do you call a TV set that fixes itself?
41342 A: A Christian Science Monitor.
41344 Q: What do you call a WASP who doesn't work for his father, isn't a
41345 lawyer, and believes in social causes?
41348 Q: What do you call the money you pay to the government when
41349 you ride into the country on the back of an elephant?
41352 Q: What do you call the scratches that you get when a female
41356 Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with an attorney?
41357 A: An offer you can't understand.
41359 Q: What do you get when you stuff a flaming stick down a rabbit-hole?
41360 A: Hot cross bunnies!
41362 Q: What do you have when you have a lawyer buried up to his neck in sand?
41363 A: Not enough sand.
41365 Q: What does a blonde do first thing in the morning?
41368 Q: Why does blonde have fur on the hem of her dress?
41369 A: To keep her neck warm.
41371 Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Monday?
41372 A: Tell her a joke on Friday.
41374 Q: What does a WASP Mom make for dinner?
41375 A: A crisp salad, a hearty soup, a lovely entree, followed by
41376 a delicious dessert.
41378 Q: What does it say on the bottom of Coke cans in North Dakota?
41381 Q: What goes: Sis! Boom! Baaaaah!
41382 A: Exploding sheep.
41384 Q: What happens when four WASP's find themselves in the same room?
41387 Q: What is green and lives in the ocean?
41390 Q: What is it that a cow has four of and a woman has two of?
41393 Q: What is orange and goes "click, click?"
41394 A: A ball point carrot.
41396 Q: What is printed on the bottom of beer bottles in Minnesota?
41399 Q: What is purple and commutes?
41400 A: A boolean grape.
41402 Q: What is purple and commutes?
41403 A: An Abelian grape.
41405 Q: What is purple and concord the world?
41406 A: Alexander the Grape.
41408 Q: "What is the burning question on the mind of every dyslexic
41410 A: "Is there a dog?"
41412 Q: What is the difference between a duck?
41413 A: One leg is both the same.
41415 Q: What is the difference between Texas and yogurt?
41416 A: Yogurt has culture.
41418 Q: What is the last thing a Kansas stripper takes off?
41419 A: Her bowling shoes.
41421 Q: What is the mating call of a blonde?
41422 A: I think I'm drunk.
41424 Q: What's the call of a disappointed blonde?
41425 A: I *said*, I *think* I'm drunk!
41427 Q: What is the mating call of the ugly blonde?
41428 A: (Screaming) "I said: I'm drunk!"
41430 Q: What is the sound of one cat napping?
41433 Q: What lies on the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
41434 A: A nervous wreck.
41436 Q: What looks like a cat, flies like a bat, brays like a donkey, and
41437 plays like a monkey?
41440 Q: What's black and white and red all over?
41441 A: Two nuns in a chainsaw fight.
41443 Q: What's bruised, bleeding, and lies in a ditch?
41444 A: Somebody who tells Aggie jokes.
41446 Q: What's tan and black and looks great on a lawyer?
41449 Q: What's the Blonde's cheer?
41450 A: I'm blonde, I'm blonde, I'm B.L.O.N... ah, oh well..
41451 I'm blonde, I'm blonde, yea yea yea...
41453 Q: What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette?
41454 A: Artificial intelligence.
41456 Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?
41457 A: Shine a flashlight in their ear.
41459 Q: What's the capital of Canada?
41462 Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead
41463 lawyer in the road?
41464 A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.
41466 Q: What's the difference between a duck and an elephant?
41467 A: You can't get down off an elephant.
41469 Q: What's the difference between a Mac and an Etch-a-Sketch?
41470 A: You don't have to shake the Mac to clear the screen.
41472 Q: What's the difference between a RHU cheerleader and a whale?
41475 Q: What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish wake?
41478 Q: What's the difference between Bell Labs and the Boy Scouts of America?
41479 A: The Boy Scouts have adult supervision.
41481 Q: What's the difference between Los Angeles and yogurt?
41482 A: Yogurt has a living, active culture.
41484 Q: What's tiny and yellow and very, very, dangerous?
41485 A: A canary with the super-user password.
41487 Q: What's yellow, and equivalent to the Axiom of Choice?
41490 Q: Where's the Lone Ranger take his garbage?
41491 A: To the dump, to the dump, to the dump dump dump!
41493 Q: What's the Pink Panther say when he steps on an ant hill?
41494 A: Dead ant, dead ant, dead ant dead ant dead ant...
41496 Q: Who cuts the grass on Walton's Mountain?
41499 Q: Why are Jewish divorces so expensive?
41500 A: Because they're worth it!
41502 Q: Why did the astrophysicist order three hamburgers?
41503 A: Because he was hungry.
41505 Q: Why did the blonde climb over the glass wall?
41506 A: To see what was on the other side.
41508 Q: Why do blondes like tilt steering wheels?
41511 Q: How does a blonde turn on the light after having sex?
41512 A: She opens the car door.
41514 Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
41515 A: He was giving it last rites.
41517 Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
41518 A: To see his friend Gregory peck.
41520 Q: Why did the chicken cross the playground?
41521 A: To get to the other slide.
41523 Q: Why did the germ cross the microscope?
41524 A: To get to the other slide.
41526 Q: Why did the lone ranger kill Tonto?
41527 A: He found out what "kemosabe" really means.
41529 Q: Why did the mathematician name his dog "Cauchy"?
41530 A: Because he left a residue at every pole.
41532 Q: Why did the programmer call his mother long distance?
41533 A: Because that was her name.
41535 Q: Why did the WASP cross the road?
41536 A: To get to the middle.
41538 Q: Why do ducks have big flat feet?
41539 A: To stamp out forest fires.
41541 Q: Why do elephants have big flat feet?
41542 A: To stamp out flaming ducks.
41544 Q: Why do firemen wear red suspenders?
41545 A: To conform with departmental regulations concerning uniform dress.
41547 Q: Why do people who live near Niagara Falls have flat foreheads?
41548 A: Because every morning they wake up thinking "What *is* that noise?
41549 Oh, right, *of course*!
41551 Q: Why do the police always travel in threes?
41552 A: One to do the reading, one to do the writing, and the other keeps
41553 an eye on the two intellectuals.
41555 Q: Why does Washington have the most lawyers per capita and
41556 New Jersey the most toxic waste dumps?
41557 A: God gave New Jersey first choice.
41559 Q: Why don't blondes eat pickles?
41560 A: Because they get their head stuck in the jars.
41562 Q: Why do blondes wear underwear?
41563 A: To keep their ankles warm.
41565 Q: How do you kill a blonde?
41566 A: Put spikes in her shoulder pads.
41568 Q: Why don't lawyers go to the beach?
41569 A: The cats keep trying to bury them.
41571 Q: Why don't Scotsmen ever have coffee the way they like it?
41572 A: Well, they like it with two lumps of sugar. If they drink
41573 it at home, they only take one, and if they drink it while
41574 visiting, they always take three.
41576 Q: Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?
41577 A: You do all of the work and the fat guy in the suit
41578 gets all the credit.
41580 Q: Why is it that the more accuracy you demand from an interpolation
41581 function, the more expensive it becomes to compute?
41582 A: That's the Law of Spline Demand.
41584 Q: Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks?
41585 A: It takes too long to retrain them.
41587 Q: What's the mating call of the brunette?
41588 A: All the blondes have gone home!
41590 Q: How do you tell if a blonde's been using the computer?
41591 A: There's white-out on the screen.
41593 Q: Why should you always serve a Southern Carolina football man
41595 A: 'Cause if you give him a bowl, he'll throw it away.
41597 Q: Why was Stonehenge abandoned?
41598 A: It wasn't IBM compatible.
41600 Q: Do you know what the death rate around here is?
41603 Q: How did you get into artificial intelligence?
41604 A: Seemed logical -- I didn't have any real intelligence.
41606 Q: How many DEC repairmen does it take to fix a flat?
41607 A: Five; four to hold the car up and one to swap tires.
41609 Q: How long does it take?
41610 A: It's indeterminate. It will depend upon how many flats they've
41613 Q: What happens if you've got TWO flats?
41614 A: They replace your generator.
41616 Q: How many existentialists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
41617 A: Two. One to screw it in and one to observe how the lightbulb
41618 itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective
41619 reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a
41620 maudlin cosmos of nothingness.
41622 Q: How many heterosexual males does it take to screw in a light bulb
41626 Q: How many IBM CPUs does it take to do a logical right shift?
41627 A: 33. 1 to hold the bits and 32 to push the register.
41629 Q: How many IBM CPUs does it take to execute a job?
41630 A: Four; three to hold it down, and one to rip its head off.
41632 Q: How many IBM types does it take to change a light bulb?
41633 A: 100. Ten to do it, and 90 to write document number GC7500439-0001,
41634 Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility, of which 10% of
41635 the pages state only "This page intentionally left blank", and 20%
41636 of the definitions are of the form "A ...... consists of sequences
41637 of non-blank characters separated by blanks".
41639 Q: How many journalists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
41640 A: Three. One to report it as an inspired government program to bring
41641 light to the people, one to report it as a diabolical government
41642 plot to deprive the poor of darkness, and one to win a Pulitzer
41643 prize for reporting that Electric Company hired a lightbulb
41644 assassin to break the bulb in the first place.
41646 Q: How many Martians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
41649 Q: How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
41650 A: One. He gives it to six Californians, thereby reducing the problem
41651 to the earlier joke.
41653 Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
41654 A: Three. One to screw in the lightbulb and two to fend off all those
41655 Californians trying to share the experience.
41657 Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
41658 A: Two. One to hold the giraffe and the other to fill the bathtub
41659 with brightly colored machine tools.
41661 Q: How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
41662 A: None. The Universe spins the bulb, and the Zen master stays out
41665 Q: What's a light-year?
41666 A: One-third less calories than a regular year.
41668 Q: Why did the tachyon cross the road?
41669 A: Because it was on the other side.
41671 Q: Why do ducks have flat feet?
41672 A: To stamp out forest fires.
41674 Q: Why do elephants have flat feet?
41675 A: To stamp out flaming ducks.
41677 Q: Why do mountain climbers rope themselves together?
41678 A: To prevent the sensible ones from going home.
41680 Q: Somebody just posted that Roman Polanski directed Star Wars. What
41683 A: Post the correct answer at once! We can't have people go on
41684 believing that! Very good of you to spot this. You'll probably be
41685 the only one to make the correction, so post as soon as you can. No
41686 time to lose, so certainly don't wait a day, or check to see if
41687 somebody else has made the correction.
41689 And it's not good enough to send the message by mail. Since you're
41690 the only one who really knows that it was Francis Coppola, you have
41691 to inform the whole net right away!
41693 -- Brad Templeton, "Emily Postnews Answers Your
41694 Questions on Netiquette"
41696 Q: What do you get when you cross a mobster with an international standard?
41697 A: You get someone who makes you an offer that you can't understand!
41699 Q: What's the difference between USL and the Graf Zeppelin?
41700 A: The Graf Zeppelin represented cutting edge technology for its time.
41702 Q: What's the difference between USL and the Titanic?
41703 A: The Titanic had a band.
41708 "It's not the despair... I can stand the despair. It's the hope."
41711 "A child of 5 could understand this! Fetch me a child of 5."
41714 "A university faculty is 500 egotists with a common parking problem."
41717 All I want is a little more than I'll ever get.
41720 All I want is more than my fair share.
41723 "Dead people are good at running because they don't
41724 have to stop and breathe."
41725 -- Hokey, watching "Night of the Living Dead"
41728 "Don't let your mind wander -- it's too little to be let out alone."
41731 "East is east... and let's keep it that way."
41734 "Every morning I read the obituaries; if my name's not there,
41738 Flash! Flash! I love you! ...but we only have fourteen hours to
41742 "He eats like a bird... five times his own weight each day."
41745 "Her other car is a broom."
41748 "He's a perfectionist. If he married Raquel Welch, he'd expect
41752 "He's such a hick he doesn't even have a trapeze in his bedroom."
41755 How can I miss you if you won't go away?
41758 "I ain't broke, but I'm badly bent."
41761 "I am not sure what this is, but an `F' would only dignify it."
41764 "I don't think they could put him in a mental hospital. On the
41765 other hand, if he were already in, I don't think they'd let him out."
41768 "I drive my car quietly, for it goes without saying."
41771 "I haven't come far enough, and don't call me baby."
41774 I love your outfit, does it come in your size?
41777 "I may not be able to walk, but I drive from the sitting position."
41780 "I only touch base with reality on an as-needed basis!"
41783 I opened Pandora's box, let the cat out of the bag and put the
41784 ball in their court.
41785 -- Hon. J. Hacker (The Ministry of Administrative Affairs)
41788 "I sprinkled some baking powder over a couple of potatoes, but it
41792 "I thought I saw a unicorn on the way over, but it was just a
41793 horse with one of the horns broken off."
41796 "I treat her like a thoroughbred, and she's STILL a nag!"
41799 "I tried buying a goat instead of a lawn tractor; had to return
41800 it though. Couldn't figure out a way to connect the snow blower."
41803 "I used to be an idealist, but I got mugged by reality."
41806 "I used to be lost in the shuffle, now I just shuffle along with
41810 "I used to get high on life but lately I've built up a resistance."
41813 "I used to go to UCLA, but then my Dad got a job."
41816 "I used to jog, but the ice kept bouncing out of my glass."
41819 "I won't say he's untruthful, but his wife has to call the
41823 "I'd never marry a woman who didn't like pizza. I might play
41824 golf with her, but I wouldn't marry her."
41827 "If he learns from his mistakes, pretty soon he'll know everything."
41830 "If I could walk that way, I wouldn't need the aftershave."
41833 "If I'm what I eat, I'm a chocolate chip cookie."
41836 If it's too loud, you're too old.
41839 "If you keep an open mind people will throw a lot of garbage in it."
41842 If you're looking for trouble, I can offer you a wide selection.
41845 "I'll listen to reason when it comes out on CD."
41848 "I'm just a boy named `su'..."
41851 I'm not a nerd -- I'm "socially challenged".
41854 I'm not bald -- I'm "hair challenged".
41856 [I thought that was "differently haired". Ed.]
41859 "I'm not really for apathy, but I'm not against it either..."
41862 "I'm on a seafood diet -- I see food and I eat it."
41865 "In the shopping mall of the mind, he's in the toy department."
41868 "It seems to me that your antenna doesn't bring in too many
41872 "It was so cold last winter that I saw a lawyer with his
41873 hands in his own pockets."
41876 "It's a cold bowl of chili, when love don't work out."
41879 "It's a dog-eat-dog world, and I'm wearing Milk Bone underwear."
41882 "It's been Monday all week today."
41885 "It's been real and it's been fun, but it hasn't been real fun."
41888 "It's hard to tell whether he has an ace up his sleeve or if
41889 the ace is missing from his deck altogether."
41892 "It's men like him that give the Y chromosome a bad name."
41895 "It's sort of a threat, you see. I've never been very good at
41896 them myself, but I'm told they can be very effective."
41899 "I've always wanted to work in the Federal Mint. And then go on
41900 strike. To make less money."
41903 "I've got one last thing to say before I go; give me back
41907 I've heard about civil Engineers, but I've never met one.
41910 "I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing
41914 "Just how much can I get away with and still go to heaven?"
41921 "Like this rose, our love will wilt and die."
41924 Ludwig Boltzmann, who spend much of his life studying statistical
41925 mechanics died in 1906 by his own hand. Paul Ehrenfest, carrying
41926 on the work, died similarly in 1933. Now it is our turn.
41927 -- Goodstein, States of Matter
41930 Money isn't everything, but at least it keeps the kids in touch.
41933 "My ambition is to marry a rich woman who's too proud to let
41937 "My life is a soap opera, but who gets the movie rights?"
41940 My mother was the travel agent for guilt trips.
41943 "My shampoo lasts longer than my relationships."
41946 "Of course it's the murder weapon. Who would frame someone with
41950 "Of course there's no reason for it, it's just our policy."
41953 "Oh, no, no... I'm not beautiful. Just very, very pretty."
41956 "Our parents were never our age."
41959 "Overweight is when you step on your dog's tail and it dies."
41962 "Say, you look pretty athletic. What say we put a pair of tennis
41963 shoes on you and run you into the wall?"
41966 Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing.
41969 "She's about as smart as bait."
41972 Silence is the only virtue he has left.
41975 Some people have one of those days. I've had one of those lives.
41978 "Sure, I turned down a drink once. Didn't understand the question."
41981 Talent does what it can, genius what it must.
41982 I do what I get paid to do.
41985 "The baby was so ugly they had to hang a pork chop around its
41986 neck to get the dog to play with it."
41989 "The elder gods went to Suggoth and all I got was this lousy T-shirt."
41992 The forest may be quiet, but that doesn't mean
41993 the snakes have gone away.
41996 "There may be no excuse for laziness, but I'm sure looking."
41999 "This is a one line proof... if we start sufficiently far to the
42003 "To hell with patience, I'm gonna kill me something!"
42006 "Unlucky? If I bought a pumpkin farm, they'd cancel Halloween."
42009 "What do you mean, you had the dog fixed? Just what made you
42010 think he was broken!"
42013 "What I like most about myself is that I'm so understanding
42014 when I mess things up."
42017 "What women and psychologists call `dropping your armor', we call
42018 "baring your neck."
42021 "Who? Me? No, no, NO!! But I do sell rugs."
42024 "Wouldn't it be wonderful if real life supported control-Z?"
42027 Y'know how s'm people treat th'r body like a TEMPLE?
42028 Well, I treat mine like 'n AMUSEMENT PARK... S'great...
42031 "You want me to put *holes* in my ears and hang things from them?
42035 "You're so dumb you don't even have wisdom teeth."
42038 Everything I am today I owe to people, whom it is now
42042 I haven't come far enough and don't call me baby.
42045 I looked out my window, and saw Kyle Pettys' car upside down,
42046 then I thought, "One of us is in real trouble."
42047 -- Davey Allison, on a 150 m.p.h. crash
42050 "I want a home, a family, an occasional spanking ..."
42054 "It wouldn't have been anything, even if it were gonna be a thing."
42057 Lack of planning on your part doesn't constitute an emergency
42061 On a scale of 1 to 10 I'd say... oh, somewhere in there.
42064 Sacred cows make great hamburgers.
42067 The only easy way to tell a hamster from a gerbil is that the
42068 gerbil has more dark meat.
42074 Assuring that the quality of a product does not get out of hand
42075 and add to the cost of its manufacture or design.
42078 The process of testing one out of every 1,000 units coming off a
42079 production line to make sure that at least one out of 100 works.
42081 Quality Control, n.:
42082 The process of testing one out of every 1,000 units coming off
42083 a production line to make sure that at least one out of 100 works.
42085 Quantity is no substitute for quality,
42086 but its the only one we've got.
42088 Quantum Mechanics is a lovely introduction to Hilbert Spaces!
42089 -- Overheard at last year's Archimedeans' Garden Party
42091 Quantum Mechanics is God's version of "Trust me."
42094 The sound made by a well bred duck.
42096 Quark! Quark! Beware the quantum duck!
42098 Queensboro president Donald Mannis, charged with receiving bribes in
42099 exchange for city contracts, resigned on Tuesday. Mannis feels he must
42100 devote more time to impending litigation, some of which might emanate
42101 from a recent statement he made comparing New York Mayor Ed Koch to
42102 Nazi Martin Bormann. A spokesman from the Bormann estate said they are
42103 weighing the odds of a slander suit. Mayor Koch could naturally be
42104 reached for comment, but we chose not to listen.
42107 question = ( to ) ? be : ! be;
42108 -- William Shakespeare
42110 QUESTION AUTHORITY.
42114 Question: Is it better to abide by the rules until
42115 they're changed or help speed the change by breaking them?
42118 Ask somebody something.
42121 Man Invented Alcohol,
42122 God Invented Grass.
42125 Questions are never indiscreet, answers sometimes are.
42128 Quick!! Act as if nothing has happened!
42130 Quick, sing me the BUDAPEST NATIONAL ANTHEM!!
42132 Quidquid latine dictum sit, altum viditur.
42134 (Whatever is said in Latin sounds profound.)
42137 Whoever has any authority over you, no matter how small, will
42140 Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away.
42143 Quite frankly, I don't like you humans.
42144 After what you all have done, I find being "inhuman" a compliment.
42151 Qvid me anxivs svm?
42153 QWERT (kwirt), n. [MW < OW qwertyuiop, a thirteenth]:
42154 1. a unit of weight equal to 13 poiuyt avoirdupois (or 1.69
42155 kiloliks), commonly used in structural engineering; 2. [colloq.] one
42156 thirteenth the load that a fully grown sligo can carry; 3. [anat.] a
42157 painful irritation of the dermis in the region of the anus; 4. [slang]
42158 person who excites in others the symptoms of a qwert.
42159 -- Webster's Middle World Dictionary, 4th ed.
42162 The conservatism of tomorrow injected into the affairs of today.
42165 RADIO SHACK LEVEL II BASIC
42169 Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.
42171 Raffiniert ist der Herrgott aber boshaft ist er nicht.
42174 rain falls where clouds come
42175 sun shines where clouds go
42176 clouds just come and go
42177 -- Florian Gutzwiller
42179 Rainy days and automatic weapons always get me down.
42181 Rainy days and Mondays always get me down.
42183 Raising pet electric eels is gaining a lot of current popularity.
42185 Ralph's Observation:
42186 It is a mistake to let any mechanical object
42187 realise that you are in a hurry.
42189 RAM wasn't built in a day.
42192 as in number, predictable.
42193 as in memory access, unpredictable.
42195 Rarely do people communicate; they just take turns talking.
42197 Rascal, am I? Take THAT!
42200 Rattling around the back of my head is a disturbing image of something
42201 I saw at the airport ... Now I'm remembering, those giant piles of
42202 computer magazines right next to "People" and "Time" in the airport
42203 store. Does it bother anyone else that half the world is being told
42204 all of our hard-won secrets of computer technology? Remember how all
42205 the lawyers cried foul when "How to Avoid Probate" was published? Are
42206 they taking no-fault insurance lying down? No way! But at the current
42207 rate it won't be long before there are stacks of the "Transactions on
42208 Information Theory" at the A&P checkout counters. Who's going to be
42209 impressed with us electrical engineers then? Are we, as the saying
42210 goes, giving away the store?
42211 -- Robert W. Lucky, IEEE President
42213 Ray's Rule of Precision:
42214 Measure with a micrometer. Mark with chalk. Cut with an axe.
42219 And drugs cause cramp.
42220 Guns aren't lawful;
42223 You might as well live.
42224 -- Dorothy Parker, "Resume", 1926
42227 A picture is worth 10K words -- but only those to describe
42228 the picture. Hardly any sets of 10K words can be adequately
42229 described with pictures.
42231 Reach into the thoughts of friends,
42232 And find they do not know your name.
42233 Squeeze the teddy bear too tight,
42234 And watch the feathers burst the seams.
42235 Touch the stained glass with your cheek,
42236 And feel its chill upon your blood.
42237 Hold a candle to the night,
42238 And see the darkness bend the flame.
42239 Tear the mask of peace from God,
42240 And hear the roar of souls in hell.
42241 Pluck a rose in name of love,
42242 And watch the petals curl and wilt.
42243 Lean upon the western wind,
42244 And know you are alone.
42247 Reactor error - core dumped!
42249 Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of
42250 Congress. But I repeat myself.
42253 Reading is thinking with someone else's head instead of one's own.
42255 Reading is to the mind what exercise is to the body.
42257 Reagan can't act either.
42259 Real computer scientists admire ADA for its overwhelming aesthetic
42260 value but they find it difficult to actually program in it, as it is
42261 much too large to implement. Most computer scientists don't notice
42262 this because they are still arguing over what else to add to ADA.
42264 Real computer scientists despise the idea of actual hardware. Hardware
42265 has limitations, software doesn't. It's a real shame that Turing
42266 machines are so poor at I/O.
42268 Real computer scientists don't comment their code. The identifiers are
42269 so long they can't afford the disk space.
42271 Real computer scientists don't program in assembler. They don't write
42272 in anything less portable than a number two pencil.
42274 Real computer scientists don't write code. They occasionally tinker
42275 with `programming systems', but those are so high level that they
42276 hardly count (and rarely count accurately; precision is for
42279 Real computer scientists like having a computer on their desk, else how
42280 could they read their mail?
42282 Real computer scientists only write specs for languages that might run
42283 on future hardware. Nobody trusts them to write specs for anything homo
42284 sapiens will ever be able to fit on a single planet.
42286 Real programmers admire ADA for its overwhelming aesthetic value but they
42287 find it difficult to actually program in it, as it is much too large to
42288 implement. Most computer scientists don't notice this because they are
42289 still arguing over what else to add to ADA.
42291 Real programmers disdain structured programming. Structured
42292 programming is for compulsive neurotics who were prematurely toilet-
42293 trained. They wear neckties and carefully line up pencils on otherwise
42296 Real programmers don't bring brown-bag lunches. If the vending machine
42297 doesn't sell it, they don't eat it. Vending machines don't sell
42300 Real programmers don't comment their code. It was hard to write, it
42301 should be hard to understand.
42303 Real programmers don't document; if it was
42304 hard to write, it should be hard to understand.
42306 Real programmers don't draw flowcharts. Flowcharts are, after all, the
42307 illiterate's form of documentation. Cavemen drew flowcharts; look how
42308 much good it did them.
42310 Real Programmers don't eat quiche. They eat Twinkies and Szechwan food.
42312 Real Programmers don't play tennis, or any other sport that requires
42313 you to change clothes. Mountain climbing is OK, and real programmers
42314 wear their climbing boots to work in case a mountain should suddenly
42315 spring up in the middle of the machine room.
42317 Real programmers don't write in BASIC. Actually, no programmers write
42318 in BASIC after reaching puberty.
42320 Real programmers don't write in FORTRAN. FORTRAN is for pipe stress
42321 freaks and crystallography weenies. FORTRAN is for wimp engineers who
42324 Real Programmers don't write in FORTRAN.
42325 FORTRAN is for pipe stress freaks and crystallography weenies.
42327 Real Programmers don't write in PL/I. PL/I is for programmers who
42328 can't decide whether to write in COBOL or FORTRAN.
42330 Real Programmers think better when playing Adventure or Rogue.
42332 Real programs don't eat cache.
42334 Real Programs don't use shared text. Otherwise, how can they use
42335 functions for scratch space after they are finished calling them?
42337 Real software engineers don't debug programs, they verify correctness.
42338 This process doesn't necessarily involve execution of anything on a
42339 computer, except perhaps a Correctness Verification Aid package.
42341 Real software engineers don't like the idea of some inexplicable and
42342 greasy hardware several aisles away that may stop working at any
42343 moment. They have a great distrust of hardware people, and wish that
42344 systems could be virtual at *___
\b\b\ball* levels. They would like personal
42345 computers (you know no one's going to trip over something and kill your
42346 DFA in mid-transit), except that they need 8 megabytes to run their
42347 Correctness Verification Aid packages.
42349 Real software engineers work from 9 to 5, because that is the way the
42350 job is described in the formal spec. Working late would feel like
42351 using an undocumented external procedure.
42354 Here and now, as opposed to fake time, which only occurs there
42357 Real Users are afraid they'll break the machine -- but they're never
42358 afraid to break your face.
42360 Real Users find the one combination of bizarre input values that shuts
42361 down the system for days.
42363 Real Users hate Real Programmers.
42365 Real Users know your home telephone number.
42367 Real Users never know what they want, but they always know when your
42368 program doesn't deliver it.
42370 Real Users never use the Help key.
42372 Real wealth can only increase.
42373 -- R. Buckminster Fuller
42375 Real World, The n.:
42376 1. In programming, those institutions at which programming may
42377 be used in the same sentence as FORTRAN, COBOL, RPG, IBM, etc. 2. To
42378 programmers, the location of non-programmers and activities not related
42379 to programming. 3. A universe in which the standard dress is shirt and
42380 tie and in which a person's working hours are defined as 9 to 5.
42381 4. The location of the status quo. 5. Anywhere outside a university.
42382 "Poor fellow, he's left MIT and gone into the real world." Used
42383 pejoratively by those not in residence there. In conversation, talking
42384 of someone who has entered the real world is not unlike talking about a
42387 Reality -- what a concept!
42390 Reality always seems harsher in the early morning.
42392 Reality does not exist - yet.
42394 Reality is a cop-out for people who can't handle drugs.
42396 Reality is an obstacle to hallucination.
42398 Reality is bad enough, why should I tell the truth?
42401 Reality is for people who can't deal with drugs.
42404 Reality is for people who lack imagination.
42406 Reality is for those who can't face Science Fiction.
42408 Reality is just a convenient measure of complexity.
42411 Reality is just a crutch for people who can't handle science fiction.
42413 Reality is nothing but a collective hunch.
42416 "Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away".
42419 Reality must take precedence over public relations, for Mother Nature
42423 "Really ?? What a coincidence, I'm shallow too!!"
42426 An abrupt change of mind after being found out.
42428 Rebellion lay in his way, and he found it.
42429 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV"
42431 Receiving a million dollars tax free will make you feel better than being
42432 flat broke and having a stomach ache.
42435 Receiving a million dollars tax free will make you feel better than
42436 being flat broke and having a stomach ache.
42437 -- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot"
42439 Recent investments will yield a slight profit.
42441 Recent research has tended to show that the Abominable No-Man
42442 is being replaced by the Prohibitive Procrastinator.
42445 Recently deceased blues guitarist Stevie Ray Vaughan "comes to" after
42446 his death. He sees Jimi Hendrix sitting next to him, tuning his guitar.
42447 "Holy cow," he thinks to himself, "this guy is my idol." Over at the
42448 microphone, about to sing, are Jim Morrison and Janis Joplin, and the
42449 bassist is the late Barry Oakley of the Allman Brothers. So Stevie
42450 Ray's thinking, "Oh, wow! I've died and gone to rock and roll heaven."
42451 Just then, Karen Carpenter walks in, sits down at the drums, and says:
42452 "'Close to You'. Hit it, boys!"
42453 -- Told by Penn Jillette, of magic/comedy duo Penn and Teller
42456 The purgatory where office visitors are condemned to spend
42457 innumerable hours reading dog-eared back issues of trade
42458 magazines like Modern Plastics, Chain Saw Age, and Chicken World,
42459 while the receptionist blithely reads her own trade magazine --
42462 Recession is when your neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you
42463 lose your job. These economic downturns are very difficult to predict,
42464 but sophisticated econometric modeling houses like Data Resources and
42465 Chase Econometrics have successfully predicted 14 of the last 3
42468 Recipe for a Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster:
42469 (1) Take the juice from one bottle of Ol' Janx Spirit
42470 (2) Pour into it one measure of water from the seas of
42471 Santraginus V (Oh, those Santraginean fish!)
42472 (3) Allow 3 cubes of Arcturan Mega-gin to melt into the
42473 mixture (properly iced or the benzine is lost.)
42474 (4) Allow four liters of Fallian marsh gas to bubble through it.
42475 (5) Over the back of a silver spoon, float a measure of
42476 Qualactin Hypermint extract.
42477 (6) Drop in the tooth of an Algolian Suntiger. Watch it dissolve.
42478 (7) Sprinkle Zamphuor.
42480 (9) Drink... but... very carefully...
42482 Reclaimer, spare that tree!
42483 Take not a single bit!
42484 It used to point to me,
42485 Now I'm protecting it.
42486 It was the reader's CONS
42487 That made it, paired by dot;
42488 Now, GC, for the nonce,
42489 Thou shalt reclaim it not.
42491 Recursion is the root of computation
42492 since it trades description for time.
42494 Recursion: n. See Recursion.
42495 -- Random Shack Data Processing Dictionary
42497 Regardless of whether a mission expands or contracts,
42498 administrative overhead continues to grow at a steady rate.
42502 Regression analysis:
42503 Mathematical techniques for trying to understand why things are
42507 A body on vacation tends to remain on vacation unless acted upon by
42510 Reinhart was never his mother's favorite -- and he was an only child.
42513 "Reintegration complete," ZORAC advised. "We're back in the universe
42514 again ..." An unusually long pause followed, "... but I don't know
42515 which part. We seem to have changed our position in space." A
42516 spherical display in the middle of the floor illuminated to show the
42517 starfield surrounding the ship.
42519 "Several large, artificial constructions are approaching us," ZORAC
42520 announced after a short pause. "The designs are not familiar, but they
42521 are obviously the products of intelligence. Implications: we have been
42522 intercepted deliberately by a means unknown, for a purpose unknown, and
42523 transferred to a place unknown by a form of intelligence unknown.
42524 Apart from the unknowns, everything is obvious."
42525 -- James P. Hogan, "Giants Star"
42527 Reisner's Rule of Conceptual Inertia:
42528 If you think big enough, you'll never have to do it.
42530 Relations are simply a tedious pack of people, who haven't the remotest
42531 knowledge of how to live, nor the smallest instinct about when to die.
42532 -- Oscar Wilde, "The Importance of Being Earnest"
42534 ...relaxed in the manner of a man who
42535 has no need to put up a front of any kind.
42536 -- John Ball, "Mark One: the Dummy"
42538 Reliable source, n:
42539 The guy you just met.
42541 Religion has done love a great service by making it a sin.
42544 Religion is a crutch, but that's okay... humanity is a cripple.
42546 Religion is what keeps the poor from murdering the rich.
42549 Religions revolve madly around sexual questions.
42551 Rembrandt is not to be compared in the painting of character with our
42552 extraordinarily gifted English artist, Mr. Rippingille.
42553 -- John Hunt, British editor, scholar and art critic
42554 Cerf/Navasky, "The Experts Speak"
42556 Rembrandt's first name was Beauregard, which is why he never used it.
42559 Remember -- only 10% of anything can be in the top 10%.
42561 Remember: Silly is a state of Mind, Stupid is a way of Life.
42564 Remember Darwin; building a better
42565 mousetrap merely results in smarter mice.
42567 Remember, DESSERT is spelled with two `s's while DESERT is spelled
42568 with one, because EVERYONE wants two desserts, but NO ONE wants two
42570 -- Miss Oglethorp, Gr. 5, PS. 59
42572 Remember, drive defensively! And of course, the best defense is a good
42575 Remember, even if you win the rat race -- you're still a rat.
42577 Remember folks. Street lights timed for 35 mph are also timed for 70 mph.
42580 Remember, God could only create the world in 6 days because he didn't
42581 have an established user base.
42583 Remember, Grasshopper, falling down 1000 stairs begins by tripping over
42587 "Remember, if it's being done correctly, here or abroad, it's
42588 *not* the U.S. Army doing it!"
42589 -- Good Morning Vietnam
42591 Remember kids, if there's a loaded gun in the room, be sure
42592 that you're the one holding it.
42593 -- Mr. Greenfatigues
42595 Remember that as a teenager you are in the last stage of your life when
42596 you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you.
42597 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"
42599 Remember that there is an outside world to see and enjoy.
42602 Remember that whatever misfortune may be your lot, it could only be
42603 worse in Cleveland.
42604 -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
42606 Remember that whatever misfortune may be your lot,
42607 it could only be worse in Cleveland.
42609 Remember the good old days, when CPU was singular?
42611 Remember the... the... uhh.....
42614 Ay, thou poor ghost while memory holds a seat
42615 In this distracted globe. Remember thee!
42616 Yea, from the table of my memory
42617 I'll wipe away all trivial fond records,
42618 All saws of books, all forms, all pressures past,
42619 That youth and observation copied there.
42620 -- William Shakespeare, "Hamlet"
42622 Remember to say hello to your bank teller.
42624 Remember, UNIX spelled backwards is XINU.
42626 Remember: use logout to logout.
42628 Remembering is for those who have forgotten.
42631 Remove me from this land of slaves,
42632 Where all are fools, and all are knaves,
42633 Where every knave and fool is bought,
42634 Yet kindly sells himself for nought;
42637 Removing the straw that broke the camel's back
42638 does not necessarily allow the camel to walk again.
42641 Man is the highest animal. Man does the classifying.
42643 Repartee is something we think of twenty-four hours too late.
42646 Repel them. Repel them. Induce them to relinquish the spheroid.
42647 -- Indiana University footbal cheer
42649 Reply hazy, ask again later.
42652 A writer who guesses his way to the truth
42653 and dispels it with a tempest of words.
42656 Reporter: "How did you like school when you were growing up, Yogi?"
42657 Yogi Berra: "Closed."
42659 Reporter: "What would you do if you found a million dollars?"
42660 Yogi Berra: "If the guy was poor, I would give it back."
42663 A writer who guesses his way to the truth and dispels it with a
42665 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
42667 REPORTER: Senator, are you for or against the MX missile system?
42669 SENATOR: Bob, the MX missile system reminds me of an old saying that
42670 the country folk in my state like to say. It goes like this: "You can
42671 carry a pig for six miles, but if you set it down it might run away."
42672 I have no idea why the country folk say this. Maybe there's some kind
42673 of chemical pollutant in their drinking water. That is why I pledge to
42674 do all that I can to protect the environment of this great nation of
42675 ours, and put prayer back in the schools, where it belongs. What we
42676 need is jobs, not empty promises. I realize I'm risking my political
42677 career by being so outspoken on a sensitive issue such as the MX, but
42678 that's just the kind of straight-talking honest person I am, and I
42680 -- Dave Barry, "On Presidential Politics"
42682 Reporter (to Mahatma Gandhi): Mr Gandhi, what do you think of Western
42684 Gandhi: I think it would be a good idea.
42686 Republicans raise dahlias, Dalmatians and eyebrows.
42687 Democrats raise Airedales, kids and taxes.
42689 Democrats eat the fish they catch.
42690 Republicans hang them on the wall.
42692 Republican boys date Democratic girls. They plan to marry
42693 Republican girls, but feel they're entitled to a little fun first.
42695 Democrats make up plans and then do something else.
42696 Republicans follow the plans their grandfathers made.
42698 Republicans sleep in twin beds -- some even in separate rooms.
42699 That is why there are more Democrats.
42700 -- Paul Dickson, "The Official Rules"
42703 What others are not thinking about you.
42705 Research is the best place to be: you work your buns off, and if it works
42706 you're a hero; if it doesn't, well -- nobody else has done it yet either,
42707 so you're still a valiant nerd.
42709 Research is to see what everybody else has seen,
42710 and think what nobody else has thought.
42712 Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.
42713 -- Wernher von Braun
42717 He didn't know where he was going.
42718 When he got there he didn't know where he was.
42719 When he got back he didn't know where he had been.
42720 And he did it all on someone else's money.
42722 Resisting temptation is easier when you think you'll probably get
42723 another chance later on.
42726 Everyone says that having power is a great responsibility. This is
42727 a lot of bunk. Responsibility is when someone can blame you if something
42728 goes wrong. When you have power you are surrounded by people whose job it
42729 is to take the blame for your mistakes. If they're smart, that is.
42730 -- Cerebus, "On Governing"
42732 Retirement means that when someone says "Have a nice day", you
42733 actually have a shot at it.
42735 Reunite Gondwanaland!
42737 Rev. Jim: What does an amber light mean?
42739 Rev. Jim: What... does... an... amber... light... mean?
42741 Rev. Jim: What.... does.... an.... amber.... light....
42743 Revenge is a form of nostalgia.
42745 Revenge is a meal best served cold.
42749 (1) If Nerd on the planet Nutley starts out in his spaceship at 20 KPH,
42750 and his speed doubles every 3.2 seconds, how long will it be before
42751 he exceeds the speed of light? How long will it be before the
42752 Galactic Patrol picks up the pieces of his spaceship?
42754 (2) If Roger Rowdy wrecks his car every week, and each week he breaks
42755 twice as many bones as before, how long will it be before he breaks
42756 every bone in his body? How long will it be before they cut off
42757 his insurance? Where does he get a new car every week?
42759 (3) If Johnson drinks one beer the first hour (slow start), four beers
42760 the next hour, nine beers the next, etc., and stacks the cans in a
42761 pyramid, how soon will Johnson's pyramid be larger than King
42762 Tut's? When will it fall on him? Will he notice?
42765 A form of government abroad.
42768 In politics, an abrupt change in the form of misgovernment.
42771 revolutionary, adj:
42775 When any principle, law, tenet, probability, happening,
42776 circumstance, or result can in no way be directly, indirectly,
42777 empirically, or circuitously proven, derived, implied, inferred,
42778 induced, deducted, estimated, or scientifically guessed, it will always
42779 for the purpose of convenience, expediency, political advantage,
42780 material gain, or personal comfort, or any combination of the above, or
42781 none of the above, be unilaterally and unequivocally assumed,
42782 proclaimed, and adhered to as absolute truth to be undeniably,
42783 universally, immutably, and infinitely so, until such time as it
42784 becomes advantageous to assume otherwise, maybe.
42786 Rich bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some men
42787 should be happier than others.
42790 Richard Nixon was the most dishonest individual I have ever met in my life.
42791 He lied to his wife, his family, his friends, his colleagues in the Congress,
42792 lifetime members of his own political party, the American people, and the
42794 -- Senator Barry Goldwater
42796 Riches cover a multitude of woes.
42799 Rick: "How can you close me up? On what grounds?"
42800 Renault: "I'm shocked! Shocked! To find that gambling is
42802 Croupier (handing money to Renault):
42803 "Your winnings, sir."
42804 Renault: "Oh. Thank you very much."
42807 Riffle West Virginia is so small that the
42808 Boy Scout had to double as the town drunk.
42810 "Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time."
42813 Righteous people terrify me ... virtue is its own punishment.
42816 "Rights" is a fictional abstraction. No one has "Rights", neither
42817 machines nor flesh-and-blood. Persons... have opportunities, not
42818 rights, which they use or do not use.
42821 Ring around the collar.
42824 (1) Everything has some value -- if you use the right currency.
42825 (2) Paint splashes last longer than the paint job.
42826 (3) Search and ye shall find -- but make sure it was lost.
42829 Someone who's been made by a scientist.
42832 University administrator.
42835 Never having to say you're sorry.
42837 Rocky's Lemma of Innovation Prevention
42838 Unless the results are known in advance, funding agencies will
42839 reject the proposal.
42841 Romance, like alcohol, should be enjoyed, but should not be allowed to
42843 -- Edgar Friedenberg
42845 Rome was not built in one day.
42848 Rome wasn't burnt in a day.
42850 ROMEO: Courage, man; the hurt cannot be much.
42851 MERCUTIO: No, 'tis not so deep as a well, nor so wide as a church-
42852 door; but 'tis enough, 'twill serve.
42854 Romeo was restless, he was ready to kill,
42855 He jumped out the window 'cause he couldn't sit still,
42856 Juliet was waiting with a safety net,
42857 Said "don't bury me 'cause I ain't dead yet".
42860 Romeo wasn't bilked in a day.
42861 -- Walt Kelly, "Ten Ever-Lovin' Blue-Eyed Years With
42869 Rotten wood cannot be carved.
42870 -- Confucius, "Analects", Book 5, Ch. 9
42872 Round Numbers are always false.
42875 Row, row, row your bits, gently down the stream...
42877 Rubber bands have snappy endings!
42879 Rube Walker: "Hey, Yogi, what time is it?"
42880 Yogi Berra: "You mean now?"
42883 You know that any senator or congressman could go home and make
42884 $300,000 to $400,000, but they don't. Why? Because they can
42885 stay in Washington and make it there.
42887 Rudeness is a weak man's imitation of strength.
42890 If there is a wrong way to do something, most people will do it
42894 If there is a wrong way to do something, most people will do it
42897 Rudin's Second Law:
42898 In a crisis that forces a choice to be made among alternative
42899 courses of action, people tend to choose the worst possible course.
42904 (Rugby players eat their dead.)
42905 (Blood makes the grass grow!)
42906 (Support your local hooker! Play rugby!)
42908 [A "hooker" is part of the scrum. Thought you'd want to know. Ed.]
42914 The Boss is always right.
42917 If the Boss is wrong, see Rule #1.
42919 Rule 46, Oxford Union Society, London:
42920 Any member introducing a dog into the Society's premises shall
42921 be liable to a fine of one pound. Any animal leading a blind person
42922 shall be deemed to be a cat.
42924 Rule #7: Silence is not acquiescence.
42925 Contrary to what you may have heard, silence of those present is
42926 not necessarily consent, even the reluctant variety. They simply may
42927 sit in stunned silence and figure ways of sabotaging the plan after they
42928 regain their composure.
42930 Rule of Creative Research:
42931 (1) Never draw what you can copy.
42932 (2) Never copy what you can trace.
42933 (3) Never trace what you can cut out and paste down.
42935 Rule of Defactualization:
42936 Information deteriorates upward through bureaucracies.
42938 Rule of Feline Frustration:
42939 When your cat has fallen asleep on your lap and looks utterly
42940 content and adorable, you will suddenly have to go to the bathroom.
42942 Rule of Life #1 -- Never get separated from your luggage.
42945 When people you greatly admire appear to be thinking deep
42946 thoughts, they probably are thinking about lunch.
42948 Rule the Empire through force.
42952 (1) The boss is always right.
42953 (2) When the boss is wrong, refer to rule 1.
42955 Rules for Academic Deans:
42957 (2) If they find you, LIE!!!!
42958 -- Father Damian C. Fandal
42960 Rules for driving in New York:
42961 (1) Anything done while honking your horn is legal.
42962 (2) You may park anywhere if you turn your four-way flashers
42964 (3) A red light means the next six cars may go through the
42967 Rules for Good Grammar #4.
42968 1: Don't use no double negatives.
42969 2: Make each pronoun agree with their antecedents.
42970 3: Join clauses good, like a conjunction should.
42971 4: About them sentence fragments.
42972 5: When dangling, watch your participles.
42973 6: Verbs has got to agree with their subjects.
42974 7: Just between you and i, case is important.
42975 8: Don't write run-on sentences when they are hard to read.
42976 9: Don't use commas, which aren't necessary.
42977 10: Try to not ever split infinitives.
42978 11: It is important to use your apostrophe's correctly.
42979 12: Proofread your writing to see if you any words out.
42980 13: Correct speling is essential.
42981 14: A preposition is something you never end a sentence with.
42982 15: While a transcendent vocabulary is laudable, one must be eternally
42983 careful so that the calculated objective of communication does not
42984 become ensconced in obscurity. In other words, eschew obfuscation.
42987 Avoid run-on sentences they are hard to read. Don't use no double
42988 negatives. Use the semicolon properly, always use it where it is appropriate;
42989 and never where it isn't. Reserve the apostrophe for it's proper use and
42990 omit it when its not needed. No sentence fragments. Avoid commas, that are
42991 unnecessary. Eschew dialect, irregardless. And don't start a sentence with
42992 a conjunction. Hyphenate between sy-llables and avoid un-necessary hyphens.
42993 Write all adverbial forms correct. Don't use contractions in formal writing.
42994 Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided. It is incumbent on
42995 us to avoid archaisms. Steer clear of incorrect forms of verbs that have
42996 snuck in the language. Never, ever use repetitive redundancies. If I've
42997 told you once, I've told you a thousand times, resist hyperbole. Also,
42998 avoid awkward or affected alliteration. Don't string too many prepositional
42999 phrases together unless you are walking through the valley of the shadow of
43000 death. "Avoid overuse of 'quotation "marks."'"
43002 RULES OF EATING -- THE BRONX DIETER'S CREED
43003 (1) Never eat on an empty stomach.
43004 (2) Never leave the table hungry.
43005 (3) When traveling, never leave a country hungry.
43006 (4) Enjoy your food.
43007 (5) Enjoy your companion's food.
43008 (6) Really taste your food. It may take several portions to
43009 accomplish this, especially if subtly seasoned.
43010 (7) Really feel your food. Texture is important. Compare,
43011 for example, the texture of a turnip to that of a
43012 brownie. Which feels better against your cheeks?
43013 (8) Never eat between snacks, unless it's a meal.
43014 (9) Don't feel you must finish everything on your plate. You
43015 can always eat it later.
43016 (10) Avoid any wine with a childproof cap.
43017 (11) Avoid blue food.
43018 -- Richard Smith, "The Bronx Diet"
43020 Ruling a big country is like cooking a small fish.
43024 If you don't care where you are, you ain't lost.
43026 Russia has abolished God, but so far God has been more tolerant.
43027 -- John Cameron Swayze
43029 Ruth made a great mistake when he gave up pitching. Working once a week,
43030 he might have lasted a long time and become a great star.
43031 -- Tris Speaker, commenting on Babe Ruth's plan to change
43032 from being a pitcher to an outfielder.
43033 Cerf/Navasky, "The Experts Speak"
43036 Make three correct guesses consecutively
43037 and you will establish yourself as an expert.
43039 Sacher's Observation:
43040 Some people grow with responsibility -- others merely swell.
43042 Sacred cows make great hamburgers.
43045 A sadist refusing to whip a masochist.
43047 sadoequinecrophilia, n:
43048 Beating a dead horse.
43052 SAGDEEV CALLED ON THE U.S. TO MAKE A RECIPROCAL GESTURE:
43054 In a recent speech in London, the irrepressible former head of the
43055 Soviet Space Research Institute noted that the Soviet Government has offered
43056 to convert its gigantic Krasnoyarsk radar in Siberia into an international
43057 space research facility in response to U.S. complaints that the radar would
43058 violate the ABM treaty. Sagdeev suggested that the U.S. reciprocate by
43059 turning the unfinished U.S. embassy in Moscow into a nuclear crisis reduction
43060 center. The communication system, he pointed out, is already in place.
43062 SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22 - Dec 21)
43063 You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless
43064 tendency to rely on luck since you lack talent. The majority
43065 of Sagittarians are drunks or dope fiends or both. People
43066 laugh at you a great deal.
43068 SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 to Dec. 21)
43069 Move slowly today, be deliberate. Indications are for bleeding
43070 ulcers. Drink milk. Try not to be your usual offensive and
43071 obnoxious self. Call your mother.
43073 SAGITTARIUS (Nov.22 - Dec.21)
43074 Your efforts to help a little old lady cross a street will
43075 backfire when you learn that she was waiting for a bus. Subdue
43076 impulse you have to push her out into traffic.
43078 Said the attractive, cigar-smoking housewife to her girl-friend: "I
43079 got started one night when George came home and found one burning in
43082 Sailing is fun, but scrubbing the decks is aardvark.
43083 -- Heard on Noahs' ark
43085 Sailors in ships, sail on!
43086 Even while we died, others rode out the storm.
43088 Saints should always be judged guilty until they are proved innocent.
43089 -- George Orwell, "Reflections on Gandhi"
43091 Saliva causes cancer, but only if swallowed
43092 in small amounts over a long period of time.
43095 Sally: C'mon, Ted, all I'm asking you to do is share your feelings
43097 Ted: ALL? Do you realize what you're asking? Men aren't trained
43098 to share. We're trained to protect ourselves by not
43099 letting anyone too close. Good grief, if I go around
43100 sharing everything with you, you could hang me out to dry.
43101 Sally: It's called "trust," Ted.
43102 Ted: "Sharing"? "Trust"? You're really asking me to sail into
43103 uncharted waters here.
43106 Sam: What do you know there, Norm?
43107 Norm: How to sit. How to drink. Want to quiz me?
43108 -- Cheers, Loverboyd
43110 Sam: Hey, how's life treating you there, Norm?
43111 Norm: Beats me. ... Then it kicks me and leaves me for dead.
43112 -- Cheers, Loverboyd
43114 Woody: How would a beer feel, Mr. Peterson?
43115 Norm: Pretty nervous if I was in the room.
43116 -- Cheers, Loverboyd
43118 Sam: What's the good word, Norm?
43119 Norm: Plop, plop, fizz, fizz.
43120 Sam: Oh no, not the Hungry Heifer...
43121 Norm: Yeah, yeah, yeah...
43122 Sam: One heartburn cocktail coming up.
43123 -- Cheers, I'll Gladly Pay You Tuesday
43125 Sam: Whaddya say, Norm?
43126 Norm: Well, I never met a beer I didn't drink. And down it goes.
43127 -- Cheers, Love Thy Neighbor
43129 Woody: What's your pleasure, Mr. Peterson?
43130 Norm: Boxer shorts and loose shoes. But I'll settle for a beer.
43131 -- Cheers, The Bar Stoolie
43133 Sam: What do you say, Norm?
43134 Norm: Any cheap, tawdry thing that'll get me a beer.
43135 -- Cheers, Birth, Death, Love and Rice
43137 Sam: What do you say to a beer, Normie?
43138 Norm: Hiya, sailor. New in town?
43139 -- Cheers, Woody Goes Belly Up
43141 Norm: [coming in from the rain] Evening, everybody.
43142 All: Norm! (Norman.)
43143 Sam: Still pouring, Norm?
43144 Norm: That's funny, I was about to ask you the same thing.
43145 -- Cheers, Diane's Nightmare
43147 Sam: What's going on, Normie?
43148 Norm: My birthday, Sammy. Give me a beer, stick a candle in
43149 it, and I'll blow out my liver.
43150 -- Cheers, Where Have All the Floorboards Gone
43152 Woody: Hey, Mr. P. How goes the search for Mr. Clavin?
43153 Norm: Not as well as the search for Mr. Donut.
43154 Found him every couple of blocks.
43155 -- Cheers, Head Over Hill
43157 Sam: What's new, Norm?
43158 Norm: Most of my wife.
43159 -- Cheers, The Spy Who Came in for a Cold One
43162 Norm: Naah, I'd probably just drink it.
43163 -- Cheers, Now Pitching, Sam Malone
43165 Coach: What's doing, Norm?
43166 Norm: Well, science is seeking a cure for thirst. I happen
43167 to be the guinea pig.
43168 -- Cheers, Let Me Count the Ways
43171 Four million people, where you can't get a
43172 good cheeseburger, no matter how hard you try.
43174 San Francisco has always been my favorite booing city. I don't mean the
43175 people boo louder or longer, but there is a very special intimacy. When
43176 they boo you, you know they mean *you*. Music, that's what it is to me.
43177 One time in Kezar Stadium they gave me a standing boo.
43178 -- George Halas, professional footbal coach
43180 San Francisco isn't what it used to be, and it never was.
43184 Marcel Proust editing an issue of Penthouse.
43186 Sanity and insanity overlap a fine grey line.
43188 Sanity is the trademark of a weak mind.
43191 Sank heaven for leetle curls.
43193 Santa Claus is watching!
43195 Santa Claus wears a Red Suit,
43196 He must be a communist.
43197 And a beard and long hair,
43198 Must be a pacifist.
43200 What's in that pipe that he's smoking?
43203 Santa Claus wears a red suit
43206 He has long hair and a beard
43207 Must be a pacifist.
43209 And what's in the pipe that he's smoking?
43211 Santa Claus comes in your house at night.
43212 He must be a dope fiend to get you up tight.
43214 Why do police guys beat on peace guys?
43215 -- Arlo Guthrie, "The Pause of Mr. Claus"
43218 SANTA IS BRINGING GOOD WISHES FROM ALL THE
43219 MICRO ARTISTS GANG! MAY 1988 BE A HAPPY YEAR!
43224 :.______ : .:* : . _ .: :.. . : . . : ()_ .:
43225 (( \. :./(__ :._O_)________:______,____:____/ *\_o
43226 ====(( \: (****) (***) :. ...: .. . ()_______/\\ __-'
43227 \____(( \ ()oo()_/ /.: : ..________/_____ll -/.: ..
43228 ( (( \(())))__/ . .. \\.: ..( ) ll ( l_.:
43229 ( / (( \__*__)___:___ : : )) .) /--------\ \ \
43230 ( / ((_____________) .. // . / / /..:: . )_)_\
43231 (____/_____________________\__// : /_/_/ :.. :/_/ \_\
43232 /_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/ /_/_/
43236 Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses.
43238 Satellite Safety Tip #14:
43239 If you see a bright streak in the sky coming at you, duck.
43241 Satire does not look pretty upon a tombstone.
43243 Satire is tragedy plus time.
43246 Satire is what closes in New Haven.
43248 Satire is what closes Saturday night.
43252 It works better if you plug it in.
43254 Saturday night in Toledo Ohio,
43255 Is like being nowhere at all,
43256 All through the day how the hours rush by,
43257 You sit in the park and you watch the grass die.
43258 -- John Denver, "Saturday Night in Toledo Ohio"
43260 Satyrs have more faun.
43262 Sauron is alive in Argentina!
43264 Savage's Law of Expediency:
43265 You want it bad, you'll get it bad.
43267 Save a little money each month and at the end of the year you'll be
43268 surprised at how little you have.
43271 Save a tree -- kill an ISO working group today.
43274 Save energy: Drive a smaller shell.
43276 Save energy: be apathetic.
43278 Save gas, don't eat beans.
43280 Save gas, don't use the shell.
43284 Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
43286 Save the Whales -- Harpoon a Honda.
43288 Save yourself! Reboot in 5 seconds!
43290 Saw a sign on a restaurant that said Breakfast, any time -- so I
43291 ordered French Toast in the Renaissance.
43294 Say! You've struck a heap of trouble--
43295 Bust in business, lost your wife;
43296 No one cares a cent about you,
43297 You don't care a cent for life;
43298 Hard luck has of hope bereft you,
43299 Health is failing, wish you'd die--
43300 Why, you've still the sunshine left you
43301 And the big blue sky.
43304 Say it with flowers,
43305 Or say it with mink,
43306 But whatever you do,
43307 Don't say it with ink!
43310 Say many of cameras focused t'us,
43311 Our middle-aged shots do us justice.
43312 No justice, please, curse ye!
43313 We really want mercy:
43314 You see, 'tis the justice, disgusts us.
43315 -- Thomas H. Hildebrandt
43317 Say my love is easy had,
43318 Say I'm bitten raw with pride,
43319 Say I am too often sad --
43320 Still behold me at your side.
43322 Say I'm neither brave nor young,
43323 Say I woo and coddle care,
43324 Say the devil touched my tongue,
43325 Still you have my heart to wear.
43327 But say my verses do not scan,
43328 And I get me another man!
43329 -- Dorothy Parker, "Fighting Words"
43331 Say no, then negotiate.
43334 Say something you'll be sorry for, I love receiving apologies.
43336 Say "twenty-three-skiddoo" to logout.
43338 SCCS, the source motel! Programs check in and never check out!
43342 An imagined sequence of events that provides the context in
43343 which a business decision is made. Scenarios always come in
43344 sets of three: best case, worst case, and just in case.
43346 Scenary is here, wish you were beautiful.
43349 A small boy stands agasp on the stairway overlooking the living
43350 room. A rather largish man in a big red suit with white fur and red and
43351 white belled cap hunches over the fireplace, obviously interrupted in
43352 filling stockings with packages taken from a huge bag slung over his
43353 shoulder. His eyebrows are raised, matter-of-factly, as he spies the boy
43354 intently watching him.
43357 "I'm sorry you've seen me, Billy. Now I'll have to kill you."
43359 Schapiro's Explanation:
43360 The grass is always greener on the other side -- but that's
43361 because they use more manure.
43363 Schizophrenia beats being alone.
43365 Schlattwhapper, n.:
43366 The window shade that allows itself to be pulled down,
43367 hesitates for a second, then snaps up in your face.
43368 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
43370 Schmidt's Observation:
43371 All things being equal, a fat person uses more soap
43372 than a thin person.
43375 A dog's practice of continuously nuzzling in your crotch in
43377 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
43380 The amusing rotation of one's bottom while sharpening a
43382 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
43384 Science and religion are in full accord but
43385 science and faith are in complete discord.
43387 Science Fiction, Double Feature.
43388 Frank has built and lost his creature.
43389 Darkness has conquered Brad and Janet.
43390 The servants gone to a distant planet.
43392 At the late night, double feature, Picture show.
43393 I want to go, oh, oh, oh.
43394 To the late night, double feature, Picture show.
43395 -- Rocky Horror Picture Show
43397 Science is built up of facts, as a house is with stones. But a
43398 collection of facts is no more a science than a heap of stones
43400 -- Jules Henri Poincare
43402 Science is facts; just as houses are made of stones, so is science made
43403 of facts; but a pile of stones is not a house and a collection of facts
43404 is not necessarily science.
43405 -- Henri Poincar'
\be
43407 Science is to computer science as hydrodynamics is to plumbing.
43409 Science is what happens when preconception meets verification.
43411 Science may someday discover what faith has always known.
43413 Science! true daughter of Old Time thou art!
43414 Who alterest all things with thy peering eyes.
43415 Why preyest thou thus upon the poet's heart,
43416 Vulture, whose wings are dull realities?
43417 How should he love thee? or how deem thee wise?
43418 Who wouldst not leave him in his wandering
43419 To seek for treasure in the jewelled skies,
43420 Albeit he soared with an undaunted wing?
43421 Hast thou not dragged Diana from her car?
43422 And driven the Hamadryad from the wood
43423 To seek a shelter in some happier star?
43424 Hast thou not torn the Naiad from her flood,
43425 The Elfin from the green grass, and from me
43426 The summer dream beneath the tamarind tree?
43427 -- Edgar Allan Poe, "Science, a Sonnet"
43429 Scientists are people who build the Brooklyn Bridge and then buy it.
43430 -- William F. Buckley
43433 Scientists still know less about what attracts men
43434 than they do about what attracts mosquitoes.
43435 -- Dr. Joyce Brothers,
43436 "What Every Woman Should Know About Men"
43438 Scientists were preparing an experiment to ask the ultimate question.
43439 They had worked for months gathering one each of every computer that
43440 was built. Finally the big day was at hand. All the computers were
43441 linked together. They asked the question, "Is there a God?". Lights
43442 started blinking, flashing and blinking some more. Suddenly, there
43443 was a loud crash, and a bolt of lightning came down from the sky,
43444 struck the computers, and welded all the connections permanently
43445 together. "There is now", came the reply.
43447 Scintillate, scintillate, globule vivific,
43448 Fain how I pause at your nature specific,
43449 Loftily poised in the ether capacious,
43450 Highly resembling a gem carbonaceous.
43451 Scintillate, scintillate, globule vivific,
43452 Fain how I pause at your nature specific.
43454 Scintillation is not always identification for an auric substance.
43456 SCORPIO (Oct 23 - Nov 21)
43457 You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You will
43458 achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of
43459 ethics. Most Scorpio people are murdered.
43461 SCORPIO (Oct. 23 to Nov. 21)
43462 Friends abound today, seeking repayment of past loans. Smile. Check
43463 for concealed weapons. Your natural cheerfulness makes others want
43464 to throw up. Knock it off.
43466 SCORPIO (Oct.24 - Nov.21)
43467 You will receive word today that you are eligible to win a million
43468 dollars in prizes. It will be from a magazine trying to get you to
43469 subscribe, and you're just dumb enough to think you've got a chance
43470 to win. You never learn.
43473 No matter what goes wrong, it will probably look right.
43475 Scott's second Law:
43476 When an error has been detected and corrected, it will be found
43477 to have been wrong in the first place.
43480 After the correction has been found in error, it will be
43481 impossible to fit the original quantity back into the equation.
43483 Scotty: Captain, we din' can reference it!
43484 Kirk: Analysis, Mr. Spock?
43485 Spock: Captain, it doesn't appear in the symbol table.
43486 Kirk: Then it's of external origin?
43487 Spock: Affirmative.
43488 Kirk: Mr. Sulu, go to pass two.
43489 Sulu: Aye aye, sir, going to pass two.
43491 Scratch the disks, dump the core, Shut it down, pull the plug
43492 Roll the tapes across the floor, Give the core an extra tug
43493 And the system is going to crash. And the system is going to crash.
43494 Teletypes smashed to bits. Mem'ry cards, one and all,
43495 Give the scopes some nasty hits Toss out halfway down the hall
43496 And the system is going to crash. And the system is going to crash.
43497 And we've also found Just flip one switch
43498 When you turn the power down, And the lights will cease to twitch
43499 You turn the disk readers into trash. And the tape drives will crumble
43500 Oh, it's so much fun, in a flash.
43501 Now the CPU won't run When the CPU
43502 And the system is going to crash. Can print nothing out but "foo,"
43503 The system is going to crash.
43504 -- To The Caissons Go Rolling Along
43508 Roll the tapes across the floor!
43510 Screw up your courage! You've screwed up everything else.
43513 The blank area on the back of credit cards where one's signature goes.
43514 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
43516 Scrubbing floors and emptying bedpans has as much dignity as the
43518 -- Richard M. Nixon
43520 'Scuse me, while I kiss the sky!
43521 -- Robert James Marshall (Jimi) Hendrix
43523 Sears has everything.
43525 Seattle is so wet that people protect their property with watch-ducks.
43527 Second Law of Business Meetings:
43528 If there are two possible ways to spell a person's name, you
43529 will pick the wrong one.
43532 If there is only one way to spell a name, you will spell it
43535 Second Law of Final Exams:
43536 In your toughest final -- for the first time all year -- the most
43537 distractingly attractive student in the class will sit next to you.
43539 Secrecy is the beginning of tyranny.
43541 Secretary's Revenge:
43542 Filing almost everything under "the".
43544 Section 2.4.3.5 AWNS (Acceptor Wait for New Cycle State).
43545 In AWNS the AH function indicates that it has received a
43546 multiline message byte.
43547 In AWNS the RFD message must be sent false and the DAC message
43548 must be sent passive true.
43549 The AH function must exit the AWNS and enter:
43550 (1) The ANRS if DAV is false
43551 (2) The AIDS if the ATN message is false and neither:
43552 (a) The LADS is active
43553 (b) Nor LACS is active
43555 -- from the IEEE Standard Digital Interface for
43556 Programmable Instrumentation
43558 Security check:
\a\a\aINTRUDER ALERT!
43560 Sed quis custodiet ipsos Custodes?
43561 [Who guards the Guardians?]
43563 Seduced, shaggy Samson snored.
43564 She scissored short. Sorely shorn,
43565 Soon shackled slave, Samson sighed,
43567 Sightlessly seeking
43568 Some savage, spectacular suicide.
43569 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
43571 "See - the thing is - I'm an absolutist. I mean, kind of ...
43574 See, these two penguins walked into a bar, which was really stupid, 'cause
43575 the second one should have seen it.
43577 Seeing a commotion in Harvard Square, a man strolled over and asked what
43578 was going on. One of the onlookers explained to him that there was a Mooney
43579 who had immersed himself in gasoline and was threatening to set fire to
43580 himself to demonstrate his commitment to the Rev. Moon. The man gasped and
43581 asked what was being done to defuse the obviously dangerous situation.
43582 "Well", replied the onlooker, "we're taking up a collection -- so
43583 far I've got two Bics, four Zippos and eighteen books of matches."
43585 Seeing is believing.
43586 You wouldn't have seen it if you hadn't believed it.
43588 Seeing is deceiving. It's eating that's believing.
43591 Seeing that death, a necessary end,
43592 Will come when it will come.
43593 -- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar"
43595 Seek simplicity -- and distrust it.
43596 -- Alfred North Whitehead
43598 Seems a computer engineer, a systems analyst, and a programmer were
43599 driving down a mountain when the brakes gave out. They screamed down the
43600 mountain, gaining speed, but finally managed to grind to a halt, more by
43601 luck than anything else, just inches from a thousand foot drop to jagged
43602 rocks. They all got out of the car:
43603 The computer engineer said, "I think I can fix it."
43604 The systems analyst said, "No, no, I think we should take it
43605 into town and have a specialist look at it."
43606 The programmer said, "OK, but first I think we should get back
43607 in and see if it does it again."
43609 Seems like this duck waddles into a pharmacy, waddles up to the prescription
43610 counter and rings the bell. The pharmacist walks up and asks, "Can I help
43612 The duck replies, "Yes, I'd like a box of condoms, please."
43613 "Certainly", says the pharmacist, "will that be cash or would
43614 you like me to put it on your bill?"
43615 Snarls the duck, "Just what kind of duck do you think I am?"
43617 Seems like this farmer purchased an old, run-down, abandoned farm with plans
43618 to turn it into a thriving enterprise. The fields are grown over with weeds,
43619 the farmhouse is falling apart, and the fences are collapsing all around.
43620 During his first day of work, the town preacher stops by to bless the man's
43621 work, praying, "May you and God work together to make this the farm of your
43623 A few months later, the preacher stops by again to call on the farmer.
43624 Lo and behold, it's like a completely different place -- the farm house is
43625 completely rebuilt and in excellent condition, there is plenty of cattle and
43626 other livestock happily munching on feed in well-fenced pens, and the fields
43627 are filled with crops planted in neat rows. "Amazing!" the preacher says.
43628 "Look what God and you have accomplished together!"
43629 "Yes, reverend," replies the farmer, "but remember what the farm was
43630 like when God was working it alone!"
43632 Seems like this guy wanders into a rural outfitting store in Alaska,
43633 and starts talking to a rather grizzled old man sitting by the cash
43635 "Hear ya got a lotta' bears 'round here?"
43636 "Yeah, you could say that," answers the old man.
43639 "Got any bear bells?"
43641 "You know, them little dingle-bells ya put on yer backpack so
43642 bears know yer there so's they can run away ... I'll take one fer black
43643 bears, and one fer them grizzlies. Say, how do you know yer in grizzly
43645 "Look fer scat. Grizzly scat's different from black bear scat."
43646 "Well now, what's IN grizzly scat that's different?"
43649 Seems that a pollster was taking a worldwide opinion poll.
43650 Her question was, "Excuse me; what's your opinion on the meat shortage?"
43652 In Texas, the answer was "What's a shortage?"
43653 In Poland, the answer was "What's meat?"
43654 In the Soviet Union, the answer was "What's an opinion?"
43655 In New York City, the answer was "What's excuse me?"
43657 Seems this fellow was suffering from terrific headaches, and went to his
43658 doctor about it. The physician made a number of tests, and informed the man
43659 that the only thing for his headaches was castration. After a few more
43660 months, the headaches became so intense that the man agreed to the operation.
43661 Naturally enough, the ruination of his sex life depressed him tremendously,
43662 and he decided to purchase a new wardrobe to make himself feel better.
43663 He enters a men's clothing store and a salesman wanders over, looks him
43664 up and down, and says, "Well, let's start with shirts... 15 neck, 34 sleeve."
43665 The guy is amazed. "How'd you know?"
43666 "Well, I've been here nearly 30 years, and I can tell sizes within
43667 a quarter inch on every piece of clothing." The salesman's claim is borne
43668 out. Slacks, 34 waist, 32 inseam; jacket: 42 long. And so on and so forth.
43669 When the man has been completely outfitted he decides that he'd better buy
43670 some new underwear.
43671 The salesman looks at him and says, "Okay, that'll be a 34."
43672 "No, that's wrong," says the man. "I've always worn a 32." The
43673 salesman insists, pointing out his accuracy so far. The man argues, agreeing
43674 that while he's been right so far, he has always worn a 32 in shorts.
43675 Finally in exasperation, the salesman says, "Listen, I tell you,
43676 you *have* to wear a 34. Otherwise, you'll get these *awful* headaches."
43678 Seems this guy showed up at a party, and all of his friends jumped for
43679 Joy. But she sidestepped, and they missed.
43681 Seize the day, put no trust in the morrow!
43682 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
43684 Seleznick's Theory of Holistic Medicine:
43685 Ice Cream cures all ills.
43687 Seleznick's Theory of Holistic Medicine:
43688 Ice Cream cures all ills. Temporarily.
43690 Self Test for Paranoia:
43691 You know you have it when you can't think of anything that's
43695 From "semi" and "arse", hence, any half-assed discussion.
43699 SEMPER UBI SUB UBI!!!!
43701 Sen. Danforth: "There is nothing on the face of the album which would
43702 notify you if the record has pornographic material or
43703 material glorifying violence?"
43704 Tipper Gore: "No, there is nothing that would suggest that to me."
43705 Frank Zappa: "I would say that a buzz saw blade between the guy's
43706 legs on the album cover is good indication that it's
43707 not for little Johnny."
43709 -- The Senate Commerce Committee hearing on rock
43710 lyrics, from The Village Voice, 6 Oct 1985
43713 A body of elderly gentlemen charged with high duties and
43717 Send some filthy mail.
43719 Sendmail may be safely run set-user-id to root.
43720 -- Eric Allman, "Sendmail Installation Guide"
43723 The state of mind of elderly persons
43724 with whom one happens to disagree.
43726 Senor Castro has been accused of communist sympathies, but this means very
43727 little since all opponents of the regime are automatically called communists.
43728 In fact he is further to the right than General Batista.
43729 -- "Cuba's Rightist Rebel", The Economist, April 26, 1958
43731 Sentient plasmoids are a gas.
43733 Sentimentality -- that's what we call the sentiment we don't share.
43737 The process by which human knowledge is advanced.
43739 Serenity through viciousness.
43744 Serocki's Stricture:
43745 Marriage is always a bachelor's last option.
43747 Serving coffee on aircraft causes turbulence.
43749 Set the cart before the horse.
43752 Several years ago, an international chess tournament was being held in a
43753 swank hotel in New York. Most of the major stars of the chess world were
43754 there, and after a grueling day of chess, the players and their entourages
43755 retired to the lobby of the hotel for a little refreshment. In the lobby,
43756 some players got into a heated argument about who was the brightest, the
43757 fastest, and the best chess player in the world. The argument got quite
43758 loud, as various players claimed that honor. At that point, a security
43759 guard in the lobby turned to another guard and commented, "If there's
43760 anything I just can't stand, it's chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
43762 Several years ago, some smart businessmen had an idea: Why not build a
43763 big store where a do-it-yourselfer could get everything he needed at
43764 reasonable prices? Then they decided, nah, the hell with that, let's
43765 build a home center. And before long home centers were springing up
43766 like crabgrass all over the United States.
43767 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
43769 Sex and drugs and rock and roll,
43770 Is all my brain and body need.
43771 Sex and drugs and rock and roll,
43772 Are very good indeed.
43774 Take your silly ways,
43775 Throw them out the window,
43776 The wisdom of your ways,
43777 I've been there and I know,
43778 Lots of other ways...
43779 -- Ian Drury, "New Boots and Panties"
43781 Sex discriminates against the shy and ugly.
43783 Sex hasn't been the same since women started enjoying it.
43786 Sex is a natural bodily process, like a stroke.
43788 Sex is about as important as a cheese sandwich. But a cheese sandwich,
43789 if you ain't got one to put in your belly, is extremely important.
43792 Sex is an emotion in motion.
43795 "Sex is as honest a product benefit for fragrance [perfume] as taste is
43797 -- Malcolm DacDougall
43799 Sex is good, but not as good as fresh sweet corn.
43800 -- Garrison Keillor
43802 Sex is like pizza -- when it's good, it's great; and when it's bad,
43803 it's still darn tasty!
43805 Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.
43808 Sex is the mathematics urge sublimated.
43811 Sex: the thing that takes up the least amount of time and causes the
43812 most amount of trouble.
43815 Sex without class consciousness cannot give satisfaction, even if it is
43816 repeated until infinity.
43817 -- Aldo Brandirali (Secretary of the Italian Marxist-Leninist
43818 Party), in a manual of the party's official sex guidelines,
43821 Sex without love is an empty experience, but, as empty experiences go,
43822 it's one of the best.
43825 Sexual enlightenment is justified insofar as girls cannot learn too soon
43826 how children do not come into the world.
43829 Shah, shah! Ayatulla you so!
43831 Shall we make a new rule of life from tonight:
43832 always to try to be a little kinder than is necessary?
43835 Shame is an improper emotion invented by
43836 pietists to oppress the human race.
43837 -- Robert Preston, Toddy, "Victor/Victoria"
43839 Shamus, n. [Yiddish]:
43840 A shamus is a guy who takes care of handyman tasks around the
43841 temple, and makes sure everything is in working order.
43842 A shamus is at the bottom of the pecking order of synagogue
43843 functionaries, and there's a joke about that:
43844 A rabbi, to show his humility before God, cries out in the
43845 middle of a service, "Oh, Lord, I am nobody!" The cantor, not to be
43846 bested, also cries out, "Oh, Lord, I am nobody!"
43847 The shamus, deeply moved, follows suit and cries, "Oh, Lord, I
43848 am nobody!" The rabbi turns to the cantor and says, "Look who thinks
43850 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
43852 Shannon's Observation
43853 Nothing is so frustrating as a bad situation
43854 that is beginning to improve.
43857 To give in, endure humiliation.
43859 Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off
43860 during games in Chicago in January, only more intelligent.
43861 -- Dave Barry, "Sex and the Single Amoeba: What Every
43865 Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will
43868 She always believed in the old adage -- leave them while you're looking
43870 -- Anita Loos, "Gentlemen Prefer Blondes"
43872 She applies her lipstick in spite of its contents: "greasy rouge,
43873 containing crushed and dried insect corpses for coloring, beeswax
43874 for stiffness, and olive oil to help it flow - the latter having
43875 the unfortunate tendency to go rancid several hours after use.
43877 In 1924 the New York Board of Health considered banning lipstick,
43878 not because it was hazardous to the wearers but because of "the
43879 worry that it might poison the men who kissed the women who wore it."
43880 -- David Bodanis, "The Secret House"
43882 She asked me, "What's your sign?"
43883 I blinked and answered "Neon,"
43884 I thought I'd blow her mind...
43886 She been married so many times
43887 she got rice marks all over her face.
43890 She blinded me with science!
43892 She can kill all your files;
43893 She can freeze with a frown.
43894 And a wave of her hand brings the whole system down.
43895 And she works on her code until ten after three.
43896 She lives like a bat but she's always a hacker to me.
43897 -- Apologies to Billy Joel
43899 She cried, and the judge wiped her tears with my checkbook.
43902 She has an alarm clock and a phone that don't ring - they applaud.
43904 "She is descended from a long line that her mother listened to."
43907 She is not refined. She is not unrefined. She keeps a parrot.
43910 She just came in, pounced around this thing with me for a few
43911 years, enjoyed herself, gave it a sort of beautiful quality and
43912 left. Excited a few men in the meantime.
43913 -- Patrick Macnee, reminiscing on Diana Rigg's
43914 involvement in "The Avengers".
43916 She liked him; he was a man of many qualities, even if most of them
43919 She missed an invaluable opportunity to give him a look that you could
43920 have poured on a waffle ...
43922 She often gave herself very good advice
43923 (though she very seldom followed it).
43926 She ran the gamut of emotions from "A" to "B".
43927 -- Dorothy Parker, on a Kate Hepburn performance
43929 "She said, `I know you ... you cannot sing'. I said, `That's nothing,
43930 you should hear me play piano.'"
43933 She say, Miss Colie, You better hush. God might hear you.
43934 Let 'im hear me, I say. If he ever listened to poor colored
43935 women the world would be a different place, I can tell you.
43936 -- Alice Walker, "The Color Purple"
43938 She sells cshs by the cshore.
43940 She stood on the tracks
43942 Leading me to that third rail shock
43944 She changed her mind
43946 She gave me a night
43948 What will it take until I stop
43952 There's nothing else I can do
43953 'Cause I'm doing it all for Leyna
43954 I don't want anyone new
43955 'Cause I'm living it all for Leyna
43956 There's nothing in it for you
43957 'Cause I'm giving it all to Leyna
43958 -- Billy Joel, "All for Leyna" (Glass Houses)
43960 She was bred in ol' Kentucky
43961 But she's just a crumb up here
43962 She was knock-knee'd and double-jointed
43963 With a cauliflower ear
43964 Someday we will be married
43965 And if vegetables become too dear
43966 I'll just cut me a slice of
43967 Her cauliflower ear!
43968 -- Curly Howard, "The Three Stooges"
43970 She was good at playing abstract confusion in the same way a midget is
43971 good at being short.
43972 -- Clive James, on Marilyn Monroe
43974 She was only a moonshiner's daughter, but I love her still.
43976 She was only a mortician's daughter but anyone cadaver.
43978 She won' go Warp 7, Cap'n! The batteries are dead!
43981 All trails have more uphill sections
43982 than they have downhill sections.
43984 "Shelter", what a nice name for for a place where you polish your cat.
43986 Sheriff Chameleotoptor sighed with an air of weary sadness, and then
43987 turned to Doppelgutt and said 'The Senator must really have been on a
43988 bender this time -- he left a party in Cleveland, Ohio, at 11:30 last
43989 night, and they found his car this morning in the smokestack of a British
43990 aircraft carrier in the Formosa Straits.'
43991 -- Grand Panjandrum's Special Award, 1985 Bulwer-Lytton
43992 bad fiction contest
43994 "Sherry [Thomas Sheridan] is dull, naturally dull; but it must have
43995 taken him a great deal of pains to become what we now see him. Such an
43996 excess of stupidity, sir, is not in Nature."
43999 She's genuinely bogus.
44001 She's learned to say things with her eyes
44002 that others waste time putting into words.
44004 She's so tough she won't take 'yes' for an answer.
44006 She's such a kinky girl,
44007 The kind you don't take home to mother.
44008 She will never let your spirits down
44009 Once you get her off the street.
44011 She's the kind of girl who climbed the ladder of success wrong by wrong.
44014 Shhh... be vewy, vewy, quiet! I'm hunting wabbits...
44017 There is no problem a good miracle can't solve.
44019 SHIFT TO THE LEFT! SHIFT TO THE RIGHT!
44020 POP UP, PUSH DOWN, BYTE, BYTE, BYTE!
44023 Shift to the right,
44025 BYTE, BYTE, BYTE !!!
44027 Ships are safe in harbor, but they were never meant to stay there.
44029 Shirley MacLaine died today in a freak psychic collision today. Two freaks
44030 in a van [Oh no!! It's the Copyright Police!!] Her aura-charred body was
44031 laid to rest after a eulogy by Jackie Collins, fellow member of SAFE [Society
44032 of Asinine Flake Entertainers]. Excerpted from some of his more quotable
44035 "Truly a woman of the times. These times, those times..."
44036 "A Renaissance woman. Why in 1432..."
44037 "A man for all seasons. Really..."
44039 After the ceremony, Shirley thanked her mourners and explained how delightful
44040 it was to "get it together" again, presumably referring to having her now dead
44041 body join her long dead brain.
44043 Sho' they got to have it against the law. Shoot, ever'body git high,
44044 they wouldn't be nobody git up and feed the chickens. Hee-hee.
44047 Short people get rained on last.
44049 Show business is just like high school, except you get paid.
44052 Show me a good loser in professional sports and I'll show you an idiot.
44053 Show me a good sportsman and I'll show you a player I'm looking to trade.
44056 Show me a man who is a good loser and I'll show you a man who is
44057 playing golf with his boss.
44059 Show me a man who is a good loser and I'll
44060 show you a man who playing golf with his boss.
44062 Show respect for age. Drink good Scotch for a change.
44064 Show your affection, which will probably meet with pleasant response.
44066 Showing up is 80% of life.
44069 Si Dieu n'existait pas, il faudrait l'inventer.
44072 Si jeunesse savait, si vieillesse pouvait.
44073 [If youth but knew, if old age but could.]
44076 Sic transit gloria Monday!
44078 Sic transit gloria mundi.
44079 [So passes away the glory of this world.]
44082 Sic Transit Gloria Thursdi.
44084 Sight is a faculty; seeing is an art.
44086 Sigmund's wife wore Freudian slips.
44088 Signals don't kill programs. Programs kill programs.
44090 Signs of crime: screaming or cries for help.
44091 -- from the Brown University Security Crime Prevention
44094 Silence can be the biggest lie of all. We have a responsibility to speak
44095 up; and whenever the occasion calls for it, we have a responsibility to
44099 Silence is the element in which great things fashion themselves.
44102 Silence is the only virtue you have left.
44104 sillema sillema nika su
44105 [translation: look it up...hint-fin]
44107 Silly is a state of Mind, Stupid is a way of Life.
44109 Silly Sally was baby sitting. But Silly Sally was getting bored. Thinking
44110 a walk would help, she put the baby in his carriage. Silly Sally pushed the
44111 carriage and pushed the carriage up this hill and down that one. She pushed
44112 the carriage up the highest hill in town, and ALL OF A SUDDEN! It slipped out
44113 of her hands (OH! NO!) and it was headed at high speed for the busiest
44114 intersection in town. BUT!
44116 Silly Sally just laughed and la.....ug.......h....e....d...........
44117 BECAUSE! SHE KNEW THERE WAS A STOP SIGN AT THE BOTTOM OF THE HILL!
44119 Silly Sally was playing in the garage. And she was being disobedient.
44120 She was playing with matches... AND... She burned down the garage.
44121 (OHHHHHH) Silly Sally's mother said, "Silly Sally! You have been naughty!
44122 And when your father gets home, you are going to get a good licking!" BUT!
44124 Silly Sally just laughed and la.....ug.......h....e....d...........
44125 BECAUSE! SHE KNEW HER FATHER WAS IN THE GARAGE WHEN SHE BURNED IT DOWN!
44128 If Murphy's Law can go wrong, it will.
44131 Everything put together falls apart sooner or later.
44133 Simplicity does not precede complexity, but follows it.
44135 Simulations are like miniskirts, they show a lot and hide the essentials.
44141 Sin has many tools, but a lie is the handle which fits them all.
44143 Sin lies only in hurting other people unnecessarily.
44144 All other "sins" are invented nonsense.
44145 (Hurting yourself is not sinful -- just stupid).
44148 Since a politician never believes what he says, he is surprised
44149 when others believe him.
44150 -- Charles DeGaulle
44152 Since aerosols are forbidden, the police are using roll-on Mace!
44154 Since before the Earth was formed and before the sun burned hot in space,
44155 cosmic forces of inexorable power have been working relentlessly toward
44156 this moment in space-time -- your receiving this fortune.
44158 Since everything in life is but an experience perfect in being what it is,
44159 having nothing to do with good or bad, acceptance or rejection, one may well
44160 burst out in laughter.
44163 Since I hurt my pendulum
44164 My life is all erratic.
44165 My parrot, who was cordial,
44166 Is now transmitting static.
44167 The carpet died, a palm collapsed,
44168 The cat keeps doing poo.
44169 The only thing that keeps me sane
44170 Is talking to my shoe.
44173 Since we cannot hope for order, let us withdraw with style from the chaos.
44176 Since we have to speak well of the dead, let's knock them while they're
44180 Since we're all here, we must not be all there.
44181 -- Bob "Mountain" Beck
44183 Sink or Swim with Teddy!
44185 Sinners can repent, but stupid is forever.
44187 Sir, it's quite possible this asteroid is not entirely stable.
44190 [Sir Stafford Cripps] has all the virtues I dislike and none of the
44192 -- Winston Churchill
44194 Six days after the Creation, Adam was still alone in the Garden of
44195 Eden, and getting pretty desperate. "God!" he cried, "rescue me from
44196 loneliness and despair! Send some company for Your sake!"
44198 God replied "OK, I have just the thing. Keep you warm and relaxed all
44199 the days of your life. Never complains. Looks up to you in every way.
44200 It'll cost you though".
44202 "Sounds ideal" said Adam. "The society of the beasts of the field and
44203 the birds of the air palls after a while. What's the price?"
44205 "An arm and a leg", said God.
44207 Adam thought about it for a bit and finally sighed. "So, what can I get
44210 Sixtus V, Pope from 1585 to 1590 authorized a printing of the Vulgate
44211 Bible. Taking no chances, the pope issued a papal bull automatically
44212 excommunicating any printer who might make an alteration in the text.
44213 This he ordered printed at the beginning of the Bible. He personally
44214 examined every sheet as it came off the press. Yet the published
44215 Vulgate Bible contained so many errors that corrected scraps had to be
44216 printed and pasted over them in every copy. The result provoked wry
44217 comments on the rather patchy papal infallibility, and Pope Sixtus had
44218 no recourse but to order the return and destruction of every copy.
44220 Skill without imagination is craftsmanship and gives us many useful
44221 objects such as wickerwork picnic baskets. Imagination without skill
44222 gives us modern art.
44225 Skinner's Constant (or Flannagan's Finagling Factor):
44226 That quantity which, when multiplied by, divided by, added to,
44227 or subtracted from the answer you get, gives you the answer you should
44230 skldfjkl
\a\a\ajklsR%^&(IXDRTYju187pkasdjbasdfbuil
44231 h;asvgy8p 23r1vyui
\a135 2
44232 kmxsij90TYDFS$$b jkzxdjkl bjnk ;j nk;<[][;-==-<<<<<';[,
44233 [hjioasdvbnuio;buip^&(FTSD$%*VYUI:buio;sdf}[asdf']
44234 sdoihjfh(_YU*G&F^*CTY98y
44237 Now look what you've gone and done! You've broken it!
44239 Slang is language that takes off its coat, spits on its hands, and goes
44242 Slaves are generally expected to sing as well as to work ... I did not,
44243 when a slave, understand the deep meanings of those rude, and
44244 apparently incoherent songs. I was myself within the circle, so that I
44245 neither saw nor heard as those without might see and hear. They told a
44246 tale which was then altogether beyond my feeble comprehension: they
44247 were tones, loud, long and deep, breathing the prayer and complaint of
44248 souls boiling over with the bitterest anguish. Every tone was a
44249 testimony against slavery, and a prayer to God for deliverance from
44251 -- Frederick Douglass
44253 Sleep -- the most beautiful experience in life -- except drink.
44256 Sleep is for the weak and sickly.
44258 Slick's Three Laws of the Universe:
44259 (1) Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad
44261 (2) A quarter-ounce of chocolate = four pounds of fat.
44262 (3) There are two types of dirt: the dark kind, which is
44263 attracted to light objects, and the light kind, which is
44264 attracted to dark objects.
44267 If you do a job too well, you'll get stuck with it.
44272 Slowly and surely the unix crept up on the Nintendo user ...
44275 The slime that accumulates on the underside of a soap bar when it
44276 sits in the dish too long.
44277 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
44280 The slime that accumulates on the underside of a soap bar when
44281 it sits in the dish too long.
44282 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
44284 Small change can often be found under seat cushions.
44286 Small is beautiful.
44287 -- Schumacher's Dictum
44289 Small things make base men proud.
44290 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
44292 Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my
44293 teacher was in my class for five years.
44296 Smear the road with a runner!!
44298 Smile! You're on Candid Camera.
44300 Smile, Cthulhu Loathes You.
44302 Smoking is, as far as I'm concerned, the entire point of being an adult.
44305 SMOKING IS NOW ALLOWED !!!
44306 Anyone wishing to smoke, however, must file, in triplicate, the
44307 U.S. government Environmental Impact Narrative Statement (EINS),
44308 describing in detail the type of combustion proposed, impact on
44309 the environment, and anticipated opposition. Statements must be
44310 filed 30 days in advance.
44312 Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.
44315 Smoking Prohibited. Absolutely no ifs, ands, or butts.
44317 Smuggling... It's not just a job, it's an adventure!
44318 -- paid for by your local Colombian recruiting office
44321 The peculiar habit, when searching for a snack, of constantly
44322 returning to the refrigerator in hopes that something new will
44324 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
44327 The peculiar habit, when searching for a snack, of constantly
44328 returning to the refrigerator in hopes that something new will have
44330 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
44332 Snakes. Why did it have to be snakes?
44335 What you'd say if you had another chance.
44337 Snoopy: No problem is so big that it can't be run away from.
44339 Snow and adolescence are the only problems
44340 that disappear if you ignore them long enough.
44342 Snow Day -- stay home.
44344 Snow White has become a camera buff. She spends hours and hours
44345 shooting pictures of the seven dwarfs and their antics. Then she
44346 mails the exposed film to a cut rate photo service. It takes weeks
44347 for the developed film to arrive in the mail, but that is all right
44348 with Snow White. She clears the table, washes the dishes and sweeps
44349 the floor, all the while singing "Someday my prints will come."
44351 So as your consumer electronics adviser, I am advising you to donate
44352 your current VCR to a grate resident, who will laugh sardonically and
44353 hurl it into a dumpster. Then I want you to go out and purchase a vast
44354 array of 8-millimeter video equipment.
44356 ... OK! Got everything? Well, *too bad, sucker*, because while you
44357 were gone the electronics industry came up with an even newer format
44358 that makes your 8-millimeter VCR look as technologically advanced as
44359 toenail dirt. This format is called "3.5 hectare" and it will not be
44360 made available until it is outmoded, sometime early next week, by a
44361 format called "Elroy", so *order yours now*.
44362 -- Dave Barry, "No Surrender in the Electronics
44365 So... did you ever wonder, do garbagemen take showers before they
44368 So do the noble fall. For they are ever caught in a trap of their own making.
44369 A trap -- walled by duty, and locked by reality. Against the greater force
44370 they must fall -- for, against that force they fight because of duty, because
44371 of obligations. And when the noble fall, the base remain. The base -- whose
44372 only purpose is the corruption of what the noble did protect. Whose only
44373 purpose is to destroy. The noble: who, even when fallen, retain a vestige of
44374 strength. For theirs is a strength born of things other than mere force.
44375 Theirs is a strength supreme... theirs is the strength -- to restore.
44376 -- Gerry Conway, "Thor", #193
44378 So far as I can remember, there is not one word in the Gospels in
44379 praise of intelligence.
44380 -- Bertrand Russell
44382 So far as we are human, what we do must be either evil or good: so far
44383 as we do evil or good, we are human: and it is better, in a paradoxical
44384 way, to do evil than to do nothing: at least we exist.
44385 -- T. S. Eliot, essay on Baudelaire
44387 So from the depths of its enchantment, Terra was able to calculate a course
44388 of action. Here at last was an opportunity to consort with Durbanu on a
44389 friendly basis -- great Durbanu which, since it had force fields which Earth
44390 could not duplicate, must of necessity have many other things Earth could
44391 use; mighty Durbanu before whom we would kneel in supplication (with purely-
44392 for-defense bombs hidden in our pockets) with lowered heads (making invisible
44393 the knife in our teeth) and ask for crumbs from their table (in order to
44394 extrapolate the location of their kitchens).
44395 -- T. Sturgeon, "The World Well Lost"
44397 So... how come the Corinthians never wrote back?
44399 So, if there's no God, who changes the water?
44400 -- New Yorker cartoon of two goldfish in a bowl
44402 So I'm ugly. So what? I never saw anyone hit with his face.
44405 So, is the glass half empty, half full, or just twice as
44406 large as it needs to be?
44408 So little time, so little to do.
44411 So live that you wouldn't be ashamed
44412 to sell the family parrot to the town gossip.
44414 So many beautiful women and so little time.
44417 So many men and so little time.
44419 So many men, so many opinions; every one his own way.
44420 -- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence)
44422 So many women, and so little time!
44424 So many women, so little nerve.
44426 So much food, and so little time!
44442 -- William Carlos Williams, "The Red Wheel Barrow"
44465 -- "To Linda", from The Poetry Of H. Ross Perot,
44466 composed for Linda Wertheimer of National Public Radio.
44467 From SPY Magazine, November 1992
44469 "So she went into the garden to cut a cabbage leaf to make an apple
44470 pie; and at the same time a great she-bear, coming up the street pops
44471 its head into the shop. "What! no soap?" So he died, and she very
44472 imprudently married the barber; and there were present the Picninnies,
44473 and the Grand Panjandrum himself, with the little round button at top,
44474 and they all fell to playing the game of catch as catch can, till the
44475 gunpowder ran out at the heels of their boots."
44478 So so is good, very good, very excellent good:
44479 and yet it is not; it is but so so.
44480 -- William Shakespeare, "As You Like It"
44482 So... so you think you can tell
44484 Blue skies from pain? Did they get you to trade
44485 Can you tell a green field Your heroes for ghosts?
44486 From a cold steel rail? Hot ashes for trees?
44487 A smile from a veil? Hot air for a cool breeze?
44488 Do you think you can tell? Cold comfort for change?
44490 A walk on part in a war
44491 For the lead role in a cage?
44492 -- Pink Floyd, "Wish You Were Here"
44494 So the documentary-makers stick with sharks. Generally, their procedure is
44495 to scatter bleeding fish pieces around their boat, so as to infest the
44496 waters. I would estimate that the primary food source of sharks today is
44497 bleeding fish pieces scattered by people making documentaries. Once the
44498 sharks arrive, they are generally fairly listless. The general shark attitude
44499 seems to be: "Oh God, another documentary." So the divers have to somehow
44500 goad them into attacking, under the guise of Scientific Research. "We know
44501 very little about the effect of electricity on sharks," the narrator will
44502 say, in a deeply scientific voice. "That is why Todd is going to jab this
44503 Great White in the testicles with a cattle prod." The divers keep this kind
44504 of thing up until the shark finally gets irritated and snaps at them, and
44505 then they act as though this was a totally unexpected and very dangerous
44506 development, although clearly it is what they wanted all along.
44509 So this it it. We're going to die.
44511 So, what's with this guy Gideon, anyway? And why can't he ever
44512 remember his Bible?
44514 So, you better watch out!
44515 You better not cry!
44516 You better not pout!
44517 I'm telling you why,
44518 Santa Claus is coming, to town.
44520 He knows when you've been sleeping,
44521 He know when you're awake.
44522 He knows if you've been bad or good,
44523 He has ties with the CIA.
44526 "So you don't have to, Cindy, but I was wondering if you might
44527 want to go to someplace, you know, with me, sometime."
44528 "Well, I can think of a lot of worse things, David."
44530 "Why not, David, it might even be fun."
44531 -- Dating in Minnesota
44533 So you see Antonio, why worry about one little core dump, eh? In reality all
44534 core dumps happen at the same instant, so the core dump you will have tomorrow,
44535 why, it already happened. You see, its just a little universal recursive joke
44536 which threads our lives through the infinite potential of the instant. So go
44537 to sleep, Antonio, your thread could break any moment and cast you out of the
44538 safe security of the instant into the dark void of eternity, the anti-time.
44539 So go to sleep, ...
44541 So you see Antonio, why worry about one little core dump, eh? In reality
44542 all core dumps happen at the same instant, so the core dump you will have
44543 tomorrow, why, it already happened. You see, it's just a little universal
44544 recursive joke which threads our lives through the infinite potential of
44545 the instant. So go to sleep, Antonio, your thread could break any moment
44546 and cast you out of the safe security of the instant into the dark void of
44547 eternity, the anti-time. So go to sleep...
44549 So you think that money is the root of all evil.
44550 Have you ever asked what is the root of money?
44553 So you're back... about time...
44555 Soap and education are not as sudden as a
44556 massacre, but they are more deadly in the long run.
44560 You have two cows. Give one to your neighbour.
44563 Give both to the government. The government gives you milk.
44565 You sell one cow and buy a bull.
44567 You have two cows. Give milk to the government.
44568 The government sells it.
44570 The government shoots you and takes the cows.
44572 The government shoots one cow,
44573 milks the other, and pours the milk down the sink.
44575 Keep the cows. Steal another one. Shoot the government.
44577 Freeze the milk. Embalm the cows.
44580 Sooner or later, the worst possible set of circumstances is
44584 Formal evening attire for female computer analysts.
44586 Software production is assumed to be a line function, but it is run
44587 like a staff function."
44590 Software suppliers are trying to make their software packages more
44591 "user-friendly". ... Their best approach, so far, has been to take all
44592 the old brochures, and stamp the words, "user-friendly" on the cover.
44593 -- Bill Gates, Microsoft, Inc.
44595 Soldiers who wish to be a hero
44596 Are practically zero,
44597 But those who wish to be civilians,
44598 They run into the millions.
44600 Solipsists of the World... you are already united.
44603 Solutions are obvious if one only has the
44604 optical power to observe them over the horizon.
44607 Some books are to be tasted, others to be swallowed,
44608 and some few to be chewed and digested.
44610 [As anyone who has ever owned a puppy already knows. Ed.]
44612 Some changes are so slow, you don't notice them.
44613 Others are so fast, they don't notice you.
44615 Some circumstantial evidence is very strong,
44616 as when you find a trout in the milk.
44619 Some don't prefer the pursuit of happiness to the happiness of pursuit.
44621 Some husbands are living proof that a woman can take a joke.
44623 Some marriages are made in heaven -- but so are thunder and lightning.
44625 Some men are alive simply because it is against the law to kill them.
44628 Some men are all right in their place -- if they only the knew the right
44632 Some men are discovered; others are found out.
44634 Some men are heterosexual, and some are bisexual, and some men don't think
44635 about sex at all... they become lawyers.
44638 Some men are so interested in their wives continued happiness
44639 that they hire detectives to find out the reason for it.
44641 Some men are so macho they'll get you pregnant just to kill a rabbit.
44644 Some men feel that the only thing they owe
44645 the woman who marries them is a grudge.
44648 Some men love truth so much that they seem to be in continual fear
44649 lest she should catch a cold on overexposure.
44652 Some men rob you with a six-gun -- others with a fountain pen.
44655 Some men who fear that they are playing
44656 second fiddle aren't in the band at all.
44658 Some of my readers ask me what a "Serial Port" is.
44659 The answer is: I don't know.
44660 Is it some kind of wine you have with breakfast?
44662 Some of the most interesting documents from Sweden's middle ages are the
44663 old county laws (well, we never had counties but it's the nearest equivalent
44664 I can find for "landskap"). These laws were written down sometime in the
44665 13th century, but date back even down into Viking times. The oldest one is
44666 the Vastgota law which clearly has pagan influences, thinly covered with some
44667 Christian stuff. In this law, we find a page about "lekare", which is the
44668 Old Norse word for a performing artist, actor/jester/musician etc. Here is
44669 an approximate translation, where I have written "artist" as equivalent of
44671 "If an artist is beaten, none shall pay fines for it. If an artist
44672 is wounded, one such who goes with hurdie-gurdie or travels with
44673 fiddle or drum, then the people shall take a wild heifer and bring
44674 it out on the hillside. Then they shall shave off all hair from the
44675 heifer's tail, and grease the tail. Then the artist shall be given
44676 newly greased shoes. Then he shall take hold of the heifer's tail,
44677 and a man shall strike it with a sharp whip. If he can hold her, he
44678 shall have the animal. If he cannot hold her, he shall endure what
44679 he received, shame and wounds."
44681 Some of the things that live the longest
44682 in peoples' memories never really happened.
44684 Some of them want to use you,
44685 Some of them want to be used by you,
44686 ...Everybody's looking for something.
44689 Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry.
44692 Some of you ... may have decided that, this year, you're going to
44693 celebrate it the old-fashioned way, with your family sitting around
44694 stringing cranberries and exchanging humble, handmade gifts, like on
44695 "The Waltons". Well, you can forget it. If everybody pulled that kind
44696 of subversive stunt, the economy would collapse overnight. The
44697 government would have to intervene: it would form a cabinet-level
44698 Department of Holiday Gift-Giving, which would spend billions and
44699 billions of tax dollars to buy Barbie dolls and electronic games, which
44700 it would drop on the populace from Air Force jets, killing and maiming
44701 thousands. So, for the good of the nation, you should go along with
44702 the Holiday Program. This means you should get a large sum of money
44704 -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
44706 Some parts of the past must be preserved,
44707 and some of the future prevented at all costs.
44709 Some people are afraid of heights. I'm afraid of widths.
44712 Some people are born mediocre, some people achieve mediocrity, and some
44713 people have mediocrity thrust upon them.
44714 -- Joseph Heller, "Catch-22"
44716 Some people around here wouldn't recognize
44717 subtlety if it hit them on the head.
44719 Some people call them "cars" or "trucks"; I call them "dimensional
44720 transmogrifiers" because they change three-dimensional cats into
44721 two-dimensional ones.
44722 -- F. Frederick Skitty
44724 Some people carve careers, others chisel them.
44726 Some people cause happiness wherever
44727 they go; others, whenever they go.
44729 Some people claim that the UNIX learning curve is steep,
44730 but at least you only have to climb it once.
44732 Some people have a great ambition: to build something
44733 that will last, at least until they've finished building it.
44735 Some people have a way about them that seems to say: "If I have only
44736 one life to live, let me live it as a jerk."
44738 Some people have no respect for age unless it's bottled.
44740 Some people have parts that are so private
44741 they themselves have no knowledge of them.
44743 Some people in this department wouldn't recognize subtlety if it hit
44746 Some people live life in the fast lane. You're in oncoming traffic.
44748 Some people manage by the book, even though they
44749 don't know who wrote the book or even what book.
44751 Some people need a good imaginary cure
44752 for their painful imaginary ailment.
44754 Some people only open up to tell you that they're closed.
44756 Some people pray for more than they are willing to work for.
44758 Some people say a front-engine car handles best. Some people say a
44759 rear-engine car handles best. I say a rented car handles best.
44762 Some peoples mouths work faster than their brains.
44763 They say things they haven't even thought of yet.
44765 Some performers on television appear to be horrible people, but when
44766 you finally get to know them in person, they turn out to be even
44770 Some points to remember [about animals]:
44772 (1) Don't go to sleep under big animals, e.g., elephants, rhinoceri,
44774 (2) Don't put animals with sharp teeth or poisonous fangs down the
44775 front of your clothes;
44776 (3) Don't pat certain animals, e.g., crocodiles and scorpions or dogs
44777 you have just kicked.
44778 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
44780 Some primal termite knocked on wood.
44781 And tasted it, and found it good.
44782 And that is why your Cousin May
44783 Fell through the parlor floor today.
44786 Some programming languages manage to absorb change but withstand
44789 Some programming languages manage to absorb change, but withstand
44791 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
44793 Some rise by sin and some by virtue fall.
44795 Some say the world will end in fire,
44797 From what I've tasted of desire
44798 I hold with those who favor fire.
44799 But if it had to perish twice
44800 I think I know enough of hate
44801 To say that for destruction, ice
44804 -- Robert Frost, "Fire and Ice"
44806 Some scholars are like donkeys, they merely carry a lot of books.
44809 Some things have to be believed to be seen.
44811 Somebody left the cork out of my lunch.
44814 Somebody ought to cross ball point pens with coat hangers so that the
44815 pens will multiply instead of disappear.
44817 Somebody's moggy, by the side of the road,
44818 Somebody's pussy, who forgot his highway code,
44819 Somebody's favourite feline, who ran clean out of luck,
44820 When he ran onto the road, and tried to argue with a truck.
44822 Yesterday he purred and played, in his pussy paradise,
44823 Decapitating tweety birds, and masticating mice.
44824 Now he's just six pounds of raw mince meat,
44825 That don't smell very nice --
44826 He's nobody's moggy now.
44828 Oh you who love your pussy,
44829 Be sure to keep him in.
44830 Don't let him argue with a truck, If he tries to play
44831 The truck is bound to win. On the road way
44832 And upon the busy road, I'm afraid that will be that,
44833 Don't let him play or frolic. There will be one last despairing
44834 If you do, I'm warning you, "Meow!"
44835 It could be cat-astrophic! And a sort of squelchy Splat!
44836 And your pussy will be slightly dead,
44837 He's nobody's moggy -- And very, very flat!
44838 Just red and squashed and soggy --
44839 He's nobody's moggy now.
44840 -- Eric Bogle, "Scraps of Paper"
44842 Somebody's terminal is dropping bits.
44843 I found a pile of them over in the corner.
44845 Someday somebody has got to decide whether the
44846 typewriter is the machine, or the person who operates it.
44848 Someday, Weederman, we'll look back on all this and laugh... It will
44849 probably be one of those deep, eerie ones that slowly builds to a
44850 blood-curdling maniacal scream... but still it will be a laugh.
44853 Someday we'll look back on this moment and plow into a parked car.
44856 Someday you'll get your big chance -- or have you already had it?
44858 Someday your prints will come.
44861 Somehow I reached excess without ever noticing
44862 when I was passing through satisfaction.
44863 -- Ashleigh Brilliant
44865 Somehow, the world always affects you more than you affect it.
44867 Someone did a study of the three most-often-heard phrases in New York
44868 City. One is "Hey, taxi." Two is, "What train do I take to get to
44869 Bloomingdale's?" And three is, "Don't worry. It's just a flesh wound."
44872 Someone is speaking well of you.
44874 Someone is speaking well of you.
44877 Someone is unenthusiastic about your work.
44879 Someone whom you reject today, will reject you tomorrow.
44881 Someone will try to honk your nose today.
44883 Something better...
44885 1 (obvious): Excuse me. Is that your nose or did a bus park on your face?
44886 2 (meteorological): Everybody take cover. She's going to blow.
44887 3 (fashionable): You know, you could de-emphasize your nose if you wore
44888 something larger. Like ... Wyoming.
44889 4 (personal): Well, here we are. Just the three of us.
44890 5 (punctual): Alright gentlemen. Your nose was on time but you were fifteen
44892 6 (envious): Oooo, I wish I were you. Gosh. To be able to smell your
44894 7 (naughty): Pardon me, Sir. Some of the ladies have asked if you wouldn't
44895 mind putting that thing away.
44896 8 (philosophical): You know. It's not the size of a nose that's important.
44897 It's what's in it that matters.
44898 9 (humorous): Laugh and the world laughs with you. Sneeze and its goodbye
44900 10 (commercial): Hi, I'm Earl Schibe and I can paint that nose for $39.95.
44901 11 (polite): Ah. Would you mind not bobbing your head. The orchestra keeps
44903 12 (melodic): Everybody! "He's got the whole world in his nose."
44904 -- Steve Martin, "Roxanne"
44906 Something unpleasant is coming when men are anxious to tell the truth.
44907 -- Benjamin Disraeli
44909 Something's rotten in the state of Denmark.
44910 -- William Shakespeare
44912 Sometime when you least expect it, Love will tap you on the shoulder...
44913 and ask you to move out of the way because it still isn't your turn.
44916 Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.
44919 Sometimes a man who deserves to be looked down upon because he is a
44920 fool is despised only because he is a lawyer.
44923 Sometimes, at the end of the day, when I'm
44924 smiling and shaking their hands, I want to kick them.
44927 Sometimes even to live is an act of courage.
44930 Sometimes I feel like I'm fading away,
44931 Looking at me, I got nothin' to say.
44932 Don't make me angry with the things games that you play,
44933 Either light up or leave me alone.
44935 Sometimes I get the feeling that I went to a party on Perry Lane in 1962, and
44936 the party spilled out of the house, and came down the street, and covered the
44940 Sometimes I live in the country,
44941 And sometimes I live in town.
44942 And sometimes I have a great notion,
44943 To jump in the river and drown.
44945 "Sometimes I simply feel that the whole world is a cigarette and I'm
44948 Sometimes I wonder if I'm in my right mind.
44949 Then it passes off and I'm as intelligent as ever.
44950 -- Samuel Beckett, "Endgame"
44952 Sometimes I worry about being a success in a mediocre world.
44955 Sometimes it happens. People just explode. Natural causes.
44958 Sometimes love ain't nothing but a misunderstanding between two fools.
44960 SOMETIMES THE BEAUTY OF THE WORLD is so overwhelming, I just want to throw
44961 back my head and gargle. Just gargle and gargle and I don't care who hears
44962 me because I am beautiful.
44963 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican", 1988.
44965 Sometimes the best medicine is to stop taking something.
44967 Sometimes the light is all shining on me,
44968 Other times I can hardly see.
44969 Lately it occurs to me
44970 What a long strange trip it's been.
44971 -- The Grateful Dead, "American Beauty"
44973 Sometimes, too long is too long.
44976 Sometimes when I get up in the morning, I feel very peculiar. I feel
44977 like I've just got to bite a cat! I feel like if I don't bite a cat
44978 before sundown, I'll go crazy! But then I just take a deep breath and
44979 forget about it. That's what is known as real maturity.
44982 Sometimes, when I think of what that girl means
44983 to me, it's all I can do to keep from telling her.
44986 Sometimes when you look into his eyes you get the feeling that someone
44990 Sometimes you get an almost irresistible urge to go on living.
44992 Somewhere, just out of sight, the unicorns are gathering.
44994 Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a
44995 woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped.
44998 "Somewhere", said Father Vittorini, "did Blake not speak of the
44999 Machineries of Joy? That is, did not God promote environments, then
45000 intimidate these Natures by provoking the existence of flesh, toy men
45001 and women, such as are we all? And thus happily sent forth, at our
45002 best, with good grace and fine wit, on calm noons, in fair climes, are
45003 we not God's Machineries of Joy?"
45005 "If Blake said that", said Father Brian, "he never lived in Dublin."
45006 -- Ray Bradbury, "The Machineries of Joy"
45008 Somewhere, something incredible is waiting to be known.
45011 Son, someday a man is going to walk up to you with a deck of cards on which
45012 the seal is not yet broken. And he is going to offer to bet you that he can
45013 make the Ace of Spades jump out of the deck and squirt cider in your ears.
45014 But son, do not bet this man, for you will end up with a ear full of cider.
45015 -- Sky Masterson's Father
45017 Song Title of the Week:
45018 "They're putting dimes in the hole in my head to see the change
45021 Sooner or later you must pay for your sins. (Those who have already
45022 paid may disregard this fortune).
45024 Sooner or later you must pay for your sins.
45025 (Those who have already paid may disregard this cookie).
45027 Sorry. I forget what I was going to say.
45031 Sorry never means having you're say to love.
45033 Sorry, no fortune this time.
45035 Space is big. You just won't believe how vastly, hugely, mind-
45036 bogglingly big it is. I mean, you may think it's a long way down the
45037 road to the drug store, but that's just peanuts to space.
45038 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
45040 Space is to place as eternity is to time.
45043 Space tells matter how to move and matter tells space how to curve.
45046 Space: the final frontier. These are the voyages of the starship Enterprise.
45047 Its five-year mission: to explore strange new worlds; to seek out new life
45048 and new civilizations; to boldly go where no man has gone before.
45049 -- Captain James T. Kirk
45052 Any of the millions of Styrofoam wads that accompany mail-order items.
45053 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
45055 "Spare no expense to save money on this one."
45058 Spark's Sixth Rule for Managers:
45059 If a subordinate asks you a pertinent question, look at him as
45060 if he had lost his senses. When he looks down, paraphrase the question
45063 Speak roughly to your little boy,
45064 And beat him when he sneezes:
45065 He only does it to annoy
45066 Because he knows it teases.
45070 I speak severely to my boy,
45071 And beat him when he sneezes:
45072 For he can thoroughly enjoy
45073 The pepper when he pleases!
45076 -- Lewis Carroll, "Alice in Wonderland"
45078 Speak roughly to your little VAX,
45079 And boot it when it crashes;
45080 It knows that one cannot relax
45081 Because the paging thrashes!
45085 I speak severely to my VAX,
45086 And boot it when it crashes;
45087 In spite of all my favorite hacks
45088 My jobs it always thrashes!
45092 Speak softly and carry a +6 two-handed sword.
45094 Speak softly and own a big, mean Doberman.
45097 "Speak, thou vast and venerable head," muttered Ahab, "which, though
45098 ungarnished with a beard, yet here and there lookest hoary with mosses; speak,
45099 mighty head, and tell us the secret thing that is in thee. Of all divers,
45100 thou has dived the deepest. That head upon which the upper sun now gleams has
45101 moved amid the world's foundations. Where unrecorded names and navies rust,
45102 and untold hopes and anchors rot; where in her murderous hold this frigate
45103 earth is ballasted with bones of millions of the drowned; there, in that awful
45104 water-land, there was thy most familiar home. Thou hast been where bell or
45105 diver never went; has slept by many a sailer's side, where sleepless mothers
45106 would give their lives to lay them down. Thou saw'st the locked lovers when
45107 leaping from their flaming ship; heart to heart they sank beneath the exulting
45108 wave; true to each other, when heaven seemed false to them. Thou saw'st the
45109 murdered mate when tossed by pirates from the midnight deck; for hours he fell
45110 into the deeper midnight of the insatiate maw; and his murderers still sailed
45111 on unharmed -- while swift lightnings shivered the neighboring ship that would
45112 have borne a righteous husband to outstretched, longing arms. O head! thou has
45113 seen enough to split the planets and make an infidel of Abraham, and not one
45114 syllable is thine!"
45115 -- H. Melville, "Moby Dick"
45117 Speaking as someone who has delved into the intricacies of PL/I, I am
45118 sure that only Real Men could have written such a machine-hogging,
45119 cycle-grabbing, all-encompassing monster. Allocate an array and free
45120 the middle third? Sure! Why not? Multiply a character string times a
45121 bit string and assign the result to a float decimal? Go ahead! Free a
45122 controlled variable procedure parameter and reallocate it before
45123 passing it back? Overlay three different types of variable on the same
45124 memory location? Anything you say! Write a recursive macro? Well,
45125 no, but Real Men use rescan. How could a language so obviously
45126 designed and written by Real Men not be intended for Real Man use?
45128 Speaking of Godzilla and other things that convey horror:
45130 With a purposeful grimace and a Mongo-like flair
45131 He throws the spinning disk drives in the air!
45132 And he picks up a Vax and he throws it back down
45133 As he wades through the lab making terrible sounds!
45134 Helpless users with projects due
45135 Scream "My God!" as he stomps on the tape drives, too!
45137 Oh, no! He says Unix runs too slow! Go, go, DECzilla!
45138 Oh, yes! He's gonna bring up VMS! Go, go, DECzilla!"
45140 * VMS is a trademark of Digital Equipment Corporation
45141 * DECzilla is a trademark of Hollow Chocolate Bunnies of Death, Inc.
45144 Speaking of love, one problem that recurs more and more frequently
45145 these days, in books and plays and movies, is the inability of people
45146 to communicate with the people they love; Husbands and wives who can't
45147 communicate, children who can't communicate with their parents, and so
45148 on. And the characters in these books and plays and so on (and in real
45149 life, I might add) spend hours bemoaning the fact that they can't
45150 communicate. I feel that if a person can't communicate, the very _____
\b\b\b\b\bleast
45151 he can do is to Shut Up!
45152 -- Tom Lehrer, "That Was the Year that Was"
45154 Speaking of purchasing a dog, never buy a watchdog that's
45155 on sale. After all, everyone knows a bargain dog never bites!
45157 Special tonight, the best toot in town at prices you won't believe!!
45158 Also, the finest dope, brought all the way from Columbia by spirited
45159 young adventurers. All available tonight, as usual, in the graduate
45160 students bullpen from 11: pm on, usual terms and conditions.
45161 Faculty members especially welcome.
45163 "Speed is subsittute fo accurancy."
45165 Speed upon county roads will be limited to ten miles an hour unless the
45166 motorist sees a bailiff who does not appear to have had a drink in 30 days,
45167 when the driver will be permitted to make what he can.
45168 -- Proposed legislation, Illinois State Legislature, May, 1907
45170 Speer's 1st Law of Proofreading:
45171 The visibility of an error is inversely proportional to the
45172 number of times you have looked at it.
45174 Spelling is a lossed art.
45176 Spence's Admonition:
45177 Never stow away on a kamikaze plane.
45179 Spend extra time on hobby. Get plenty of rolling papers.
45185 The fine stream from a grapefruit that always lands right in
45187 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
45189 Spock: The odds of surviving another
45190 attack are 13562190123 to 1, Captain.
45192 Spock: We suffered 23 casualties in that attack, Captain.
45195 Someone who'll stand by you through all the
45196 trouble you wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single.
45199 Someone who'll stand by you through all the trouble you
45200 wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single.
45202 Spring is here, spring is here,
45203 Life is skittles and life is beer.
45206 The button at the top of a baseball cap.
45207 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
45209 Squirrels eating squirrels, my God, that's sick.
45211 St. Patrick was a gentleman
45212 who through strategy and stealth
45213 drove all the snakes from Ireland.
45214 Here's a toasting to his health --
45215 but not too many toastings
45216 lest you lose yourself and then
45217 forget the good St. Patrick
45218 and see all those snakes again.
45220 Stability itself is nothing else than a more sluggish motion.
45222 Staff meeting in the conference room in 3 minutes.
45224 Stalin was dying, and summoned Khruschev to his bedside. Wheezing his last
45225 words with difficulty, Stalin tells Khruschev, "The reins of the country are
45226 now in your hands. But before I go, I want to give you some advice."
45227 "Yes, yes, what is it?" says Khruschev, impatiently. Reaching under
45228 his pillow, Stalin produced two envelopes labeled #1 and #2.
45229 "Take these letters," he tells Khruschev. "Keep them safely -- don't
45230 open them. Only if the country is in turmoil and things aren't going well,
45231 open the first one. That'll give you some advice on what to do. And, if
45232 after that, if things start getting REALLY bad, open the second one." And
45233 with a gasp Stalin breathed his last.
45234 Well, within a few years Khruschev started having problems --
45235 unemployment increased, crops failed, people became restless. He decided it
45236 was time to open the first letter. All it said was: "Blame everything on me!"
45237 So Khruschev launched a massive deStalinization campaign, and blamed Stalin
45238 for all the excesses and purges and ills of the present system.
45239 But things continued on the downslide, and, finally, after much
45240 deliberation, Khruschev opened the second letter.
45241 All it said was: "Write two letters."
45243 Stamp out organized crime!! Abolish the IRS.
45245 Stamp out philately.
45248 The principles we use to reject other people's code.
45250 Standards are different for all things, so the standard set by man is by
45251 no means the only "certain" standard. If you mistake what is relative for
45252 something certain, you have strayed far from the ultimate truth.
45255 Standing on head makes smile of frown, but rest of face also upside down.
45257 Stanford women are responsible for the success of many Stanford men:
45258 they give them "just one more reason" to stay in and study every night.
45260 "Star Wars is adolescent nonsense; Close Encounters is obscurantist
45261 drivel; Star Trek can turn your brains to pur'
\bee of bat guano; and the
45262 greatest science fiction series of all time is Doctor Who! And I'll
45263 take you all on, one-by-one or all in a bunch to back it up!"
45266 Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
45269 Start the day with a smile.
45270 After that you can be your nasty old self again.
45272 State license plates we'd like to see:
45274 NEVADA MASSACHUSETTS
45276 LAND OF 10,00 ELVIS IMPERSONATORS THE GOOFY ACCENT STATE
45280 FRUITY UMBRELLA COCKTAIL WONDERLAND EAT CHEESE OR DIE
45282 State license plates we'd like to see:
45286 THE UFO SIGHTING STATE THE HEAT PROSTRATION STATE
45288 CONNECTICUT MISSISSIPPI
45290 WHERE THE SMART NY WORK FORCE LIVES THE MOST OFTEN MISSPELLED STATE
45294 PLAY FOOTBALL OR DIE AMERICA'S DRUG DEALER
45296 State license plates we'd like to see:
45298 MICHIGAN CALIFORNIA
45299 4-GET 74-77 EGO-MN-E-X
45300 EMBARRASSED HOME STATE OF GERALD FORD THE SERIAL KILLER STATE
45302 NORTH CAROLINA NEW JERSEY
45304 HOME OF GOMER, GOOBER AND JESSE HELMS FIRST IN TOXIC WASTE
45306 KANSAS WASHINGTON DC
45307 TOTO -2 $10000000 ETC
45308 THE NOT MUCH SINCE THE WIZARD OF OZ WASTING YOUR MONEY SINCE 1810
45312 A system for expressing your political
45313 prejudices in convincing scientific guise.
45315 Statistics are no substitute for judgement.
45318 Statistics means never having to say you're certain.
45320 Stay away from flying saucers today.
45322 Stay away from hurricanes for a while.
45326 Stay together, drag each other down.
45328 Stayed in bed all morning just to pass the time,
45329 There's something wrong here, there can be no more denying,
45330 One of us is changing, or maybe we just stopped trying,
45332 And it's too late, baby, now, it's too late,
45333 Though we really did try to make it,
45334 Something inside has died and I can't hide and I just can't fake it...
45336 It used to be so easy living here with you,
45337 You were light and breezy and I knew just what to do
45338 Now you look so unhappy and I feel like a fool.
45340 There'll be good times again for me and you,
45341 But we just can't stay together, don't you feel it too?
45342 But I'm glad for what we had and that I once loved you...
45344 But it's too late baby...
45345 It's too late, now darling, it's too late...
45346 -- Carol King, "Tapestry"
45348 Steady movement is more important than speed, much of the time. So
45349 long as there is a regular progression of stimuli to get your mental
45350 hooks into, there is room for lateral movement. Once this begins,
45351 its rate is a matter of discretion.
45352 -- Corwin, "Prince of Amber"
45354 Stealing a rhinoceros should not be attempted lightly.
45356 Steckel's Rule to Success:
45357 Good enough is never good enough.
45358 Everybody should believe in something --
45359 I believe I'll have another drink.
45361 Steele's Plagiarism of Somebody's Philosophy:
45362 Everybody should believe in something -- I believe I'll have
45365 Steinbach's Guideline for Systems Programming:
45366 Never test for an error condition you don't know how to
45369 Stellar rays prove fibbing never pays.
45370 Embezzlement is another matter.
45373 The sooner you fall behind, the more time you will have to catch up.
45375 Step back, unbelievers!
45376 Or the rain will never come.
45377 Somebody keep the fire burning, someone come and beat the drum.
45378 You may think I'm crazy, you may think that I'm insane,
45379 But I swear to you, before this day is out,
45380 you folks are gonna see some rain!
45382 Still a few bugs in the system... Someday I have to tell you about Uncle
45383 Nahum from Maine, who spent years trying to cross a jellyfish with a shad
45384 so he could breed boneless shad. His experiment backfired too, and he
45385 wound up with bony jellyfish... which was hardly worth the trouble. There's
45386 very little call for those up there.
45387 -- Allucquere R. "Sandy" Stone
45389 Still looking for the glorious results of my misspent youth.
45390 Say, do you have a map to the next joint?
45392 Stinginess with privileges is kindness in disguise.
45393 -- Guide to VAX/VMS Security, Sep. 1984
45395 Stock's Observation:
45396 You no sooner get your head above water
45397 but what someone pulls your flippers off.
45400 One man's "simple" is another man's "huh?"
45402 Stop! There was first a game of blindman's buff. Of course there was.
45403 And I no more believe Topper was really blind than I believe he had eyes
45404 in his boots. My opinion is, that it was a done thing between him and
45405 Scrooge's nephew; and that the Ghost of Christmas Present knew it. The
45406 way he went after that plump sister in the lace tucker, was an outrage
45407 on the credulity of human nature.
45409 Stop me, before I kill again!
45411 Stop searching. Happiness is right next to you.
45413 Stop searching. Happiness is right next to you. Now, if they'd only
45416 Stop searching forever. Happiness is just next to you.
45418 Stop searching forever. Happiness is unattainable.
45420 Strange things are done to be number one
45421 In selling the computer The Druids were entrepreneurs,
45422 IBM has their strategem And they built a granite box
45423 Which steadily grows acuter, It tracked the moon, warned of monsoons,
45424 And Honeywell competes like Hell, And forecast the equinox
45425 But the story's missing link Their price was right, their future
45426 Is the system old at Stonemenge sold bright,
45427 By the firm of Druids, Inc. The prototype was sold;
45428 From Stonehenge site their bits and byte
45429 Would ship for Celtic gold.
45430 The movers came to crate the frame;
45431 It weighed a million ton!
45432 The traffic folk thought it a joke The man spoke true, and thus to you
45433 (the wagon wheels just spun); A warning from the ages;
45434 "They'll nay sell that," the foreman Your stock will slip if you can't ship
45435 spat, What's in your brochure's pages.
45436 "Just leave the wild weeds grow; See if it sells without the bells
45437 "It's Druid-kind, over-designed, And strings that ring and quiver;
45438 "And belly up they'll go." Druid repute went down the chute
45439 Because they couldn't deliver.
45440 -- Edward C. McManus, "The Computer at Stonehenge"
45443 A comprehensive plan of inaction.
45446 A long-range plan whose merit cannot be evaluated until sometime
45447 after those creating it have left the organization.
45449 Straw? No, too stupid a fad. I put soot on warts.
45451 Stress has been pinpointed as a major cause of illness. To avoid overload
45452 and burnout, keep stress out of your life. Give it to others instead. Learn
45453 the "Gaslight" treatment, the "Are you talking to me?" technique, and the
45454 "Do you feel okay? You look pale." approach. Start with negotiation and
45455 implication. Advance to manipulation and humiliation. Above all, relax
45456 and have a nice day.
45458 Stuckness shouldn't be avoided. It's the psychic predecessor of all
45459 real understanding. An egoless acceptance of stuckness is a key to an
45460 understanding of all Quality, in mechanical work as in other endeavors.
45461 -- R. Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance"
45464 Our problems are mostly behind us. What we have to do now is
45465 fight the solutions.
45468 Losing $25 on the game and $25 on the instant replay.
45470 Stupidity got us into this mess -- why can't it get us out?
45472 Stupidity is its own reward.
45475 90% of everything is crud.
45477 Style may not be the answer, but at least it's a workable alternative.
45479 Suaviter in modo, fortiter in re.
45480 Se non e vero, e ben trovato.
45482 Substitute "damn" every time you're inclined to write "very"; your
45483 editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.
45486 Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way
45487 before it is understood.
45489 Suburbia is where the developer bulldozes out the trees, then names
45490 the streets after them.
45493 Success is a journey, not a destination.
45495 Success is getting what you want; happiness is wanting what you get.
45497 Success is in the minds of Fools.
45498 -- William Wrenshaw, 1578
45500 Success is relative: It is what we can make of the mess we have
45502 -- T. S. Eliot, "The Family Reunion"
45504 Success is something I will dress for when I get there, and not until.
45506 Succumb to natural tendencies. Be hateful and boring.
45508 Such a fine first dream!
45509 But they laughed at me; they said
45512 Such a foolish notion, that war is called devotion,
45513 when the greatest warriors are the ones who stand for peace.
45515 Such efforts are almost always slow, laborious, political,
45516 petty, boring, ponderous, thankless, and of the utmost criticality.
45517 -- Leonard Kleinrock, on standards efforts
45519 Such evil deeds could religion prompt.
45520 -- Titus Lucretius Carus
45522 Sudden Death Dating:
45525 Am I worried about taking his last name? Forget it,
45526 at this point I'll take his first name, too.
45528 Suddenly, Professor Liebowitz realizes he has come to the seminar
45529 without his duck ...
45531 Suffering alone exists, none who suffer;
45532 The deed there is, but no doer thereof;
45533 Nirvana is, but no one is seeking it;
45534 The Path there is, but none who travel it.
45535 -- "Buddhist Symbolism", Symbols and Values
45537 Suggest you just sit there and wait till life gets easier.
45539 Suicide is simply a case of mistaken identity.
45541 Suicide is the sincerest form of self-criticism.
45546 Sun in the night, everyone is together,
45547 Ascending into the heavens, life is forever.
45548 -- Brand X, "Moroccan Roll/Sun in the Night"
45551 The Network IS the Load Average.
45553 (Sung to the tune of "The Impossible Dream" from MAN OF LA MANCHA)
45555 To code the impossible code,
45556 To bring up a virgin machine,
45557 To pop out of endless recursion,
45558 To grok what appears on the screen,
45560 To right the unrightable bug,
45561 To endlessly twiddle and thrash,
45562 To mount the unmountable magtape,
45563 To stop the unstoppable crash!
45566 Pronounced atmospheric scattering of shorter wavelengths,
45567 resulting in selective transmission below 650 nanometers with
45568 progressively reducing solar elevation.
45570 Superstition, idolatry, and hypocrisy
45571 have ample wages, but truth goes a-begging.
45574 Superstitions typically involve seeing order where in fact there is
45575 none, and denial amounts to rejecting evidence of regularities,
45576 sometimes even ones that are staring us in the face.
45577 -- Murray Gell-Mann, "Quark and the Jaguar"
45579 Supervisor: Do you think you understand the basic ideas of Quantum Mechanics?
45580 Supervisee: Ah! Well, what do we mean by "to understand" in the context of
45582 Supervisor: You mean "No", don't you?
45584 -- Overheard at a supervision
45586 Support bacteria -- it's the only culture some people have!
45588 Support Bingo, keep Grandma off the streets.
45590 Support mental health or I'LL KILL YOU!!!!
45592 Support the American Kidney Foundation.
45593 Don't wear your motorcycle helmet.
45595 Support the Girl Scouts!
45596 (Today's Brownie is tomorrow's Cookie!)
45598 Support wildlife -- vote for an orgy.
45600 Support your local church or synagogue.
45601 Worship at Bank of America.
45603 Support your local police force -- steal!!
45605 Support your local Search and Rescue unit -- get lost.
45607 Support your right to arm bears!!
45609 Support your right to bare arms!
45610 -- A message from the National Short-Sleeved Shirt Association
45612 Suppose for a moment that the automobile industry had developed at the same
45613 rate as computers and over the same period: how much cheaper and more
45614 efficient would the current models be? If you have not already heard the
45615 analogy, the answer is shattering. Today you would be able to buy a
45616 Rolls-Royce for $2.75, it would do three million miles to the gallon, and
45617 it would deliver enough power to drive the Queen Elizabeth II. And if you
45618 were interested in miniaturization, you could place half a dozen of them on
45620 -- Christopher Evans
45622 Sure he's sharp as a razor ... he's a two-dimensional pinhead!
45624 Sure there are dishonest men in local government. But there are dishonest
45625 men in national government too.
45628 "Surely you can't be serious."
45629 "I am serious, and don't call me Shirley."
45631 Surly to bed, surly to rise, makes you about average.
45633 Surprise! You are the lucky winner of random I.R.S. Audit! Just type
45634 in your name and social security number. Please remember that leaving
45635 the room is punishable under law:
45639 Surprise due today. Also the rent.
45641 Surprise your boss. Get to work on time.
45644 When that-which-may-still-be-alive is put on top of rice and
45645 strapped on with electrical tape.
45648 The way of the tuna.
45650 Suspicion always haunts the guilty mind.
45651 -- William Shakespeare
45654 The language used by the National Enquirer to print their
45658 Swap read error. You lose your mind.
45661 A garment worn by a child when their mother feels chilly.
45664 A garment worn by a child when its mother feels chilly.
45666 Sweet April showers do spring May flowers.
45669 Sweet sixteen is beautiful Bess,
45670 And her voice is changing -- from "No" to "Yes".
45672 Swerve me? The path to my fixed purpose is laid with iron rails,
45673 whereon my soul is grooved to run. Over unsounded gorges, through
45674 the rifled hearts of mountains, under torrents' beds, unerringly
45676 -- Captain Ahab, "Moby Dick"
45678 Swipple's Rule of Order:
45679 He who shouts the loudest has the floor.
45681 Symptom: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, beer is
45682 unusually pale and clear.
45683 Problem: Glass empty.
45684 Action Required: Find someone who will buy you another beer.
45686 Symptom: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction,
45687 and the front of your shirt is wet.
45688 Fault: Mouth not open when drinking or glass applied to
45689 wrong part of face.
45690 Action Required: Buy another beer and practice in front of mirror.
45691 Drink as many as needed to perfect drinking technique.
45693 -- Bar Troubleshooting
45695 Symptom: Everything has gone dark.
45696 Fault: The Bar is closing.
45697 Action Required: Panic.
45699 Symptom: You awaken to find your bed hard, cold and wet.
45700 You cannot see the bathroom light.
45701 Fault: You have spent the night in the gutter.
45702 Action Required: Check your watch to see if bars are open yet. If not,
45703 treat yourself to a lie-in.
45705 -- Bar Troubleshooting
45707 Symptom: Feet cold and wet, glass empty.
45708 Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
45709 Action Required: Turn glass other way up so that open end points
45712 Symptom: Feet warm and wet.
45713 Fault: Improper bladder control.
45714 Action Required: Go stand next to nearest dog. After a while complain
45715 to the owner about its lack of house training and
45716 demand a beer as compensation.
45718 -- Bar Troubleshooting
45720 Symptom: Floor blurred.
45721 Fault: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
45722 Action Required: Find someone who will buy you another beer.
45724 Symptom: Floor moving.
45725 Fault: You are being carried out.
45726 Action Required: Find out if you are taken to another bar. If not,
45727 complain loudly that you are being kidnapped.
45729 -- Bar Troubleshooting
45731 Symptom: Floor swaying.
45732 Fault: Excessive air turbulence, perhaps due to air-hockey
45734 Action Required: Insert broom handle down back of jacket.
45736 Symptom: Everything has gone dim, strange taste of peanuts
45737 and pretzels or cigarette butts in mouth.
45738 Fault: You have fallen forward.
45739 Action Required: See above.
45741 Symptom: Opposite wall covered with acoustic tile and several
45742 fluorescent light strips.
45743 Fault: You have fallen over backward.
45744 Action Required: If your glass is full and no one is standing on your
45745 drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to help
45746 you get up, lash yourself to bar.
45748 -- Bar Troubleshooting
45750 Syntactic sugar causes cancer of the semicolon.
45751 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
45753 System checkpoint complete.
45755 System going down at 1:45 this afternoon for disk crashing.
45757 System going down at 5 this afternoon to install scheduler bug.
45759 System going down in 5 minutes.
45761 System restarting, wait...
45763 System/3! System/3!
45764 See how it runs! See how it runs!
45765 Its monitor loses so totally!
45766 It runs all its programs in RPG!
45767 It's made by our favorite monopoly!
45770 SYSTEM-INDEPENDENT:
45771 Works equally poorly on all systems.
45773 Systems have sub-systems and sub-systems have sub-systems and so on ad
45774 infinitum -- which is why we're always starting over.
45775 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
45777 Systems programmer:
45778 A person in sandals who has been in the elevator with the senior
45779 vice president and is ultimately responsible for a phone call you
45780 are to receive from your boss.
45782 Systems programmers are the high priests of a low cult.
45785 T: One big monster, he called TROLL.
45786 He don't rock, and he don't roll;
45787 Drink no wine, and smoke no stogies.
45788 He just Love To Eat Them Roguies.
45789 -- The Roguelet's ABC
45792 Serving grape kool-aid at religious functions.
45794 Tact consists in knowing how far to go in going too far.
45797 Tact in audacity is knowing how far you can go without going too far.
45800 Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a
45803 Tact is the art of making a point without making an enemy.
45806 The unsaid part of what you're thinking.
45808 Take a lesson from the whale; the only time
45809 he gets speared is when he raises to spout.
45811 Take an astronaut to launch.
45813 Take care of the luxuries and the
45814 necessities will take care of themselves.
45817 Take Care of the Molehills, and the Mountains Will Take Care of Themselves.
45818 -- Motto of the Federal Civil Service
45820 Take everything in stride. Trample anyone who gets in your way.
45822 TAKE FORCEFUL ACTION:
45823 Do something that should have been done a long time ago.
45825 Take heart amid the deepening gloom that your dog is finally getting
45827 -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
45829 Take it easy, we're in a hurry.
45834 Take my word for it, the silliest woman can manage a clever man, but it
45835 needs a very clever woman to manage a fool.
45838 Take the folks at Coca-Cola. For many years, they were content to sit
45839 back and make the same old carbonated beverage. It was a good
45840 beverage, no question about it; generations of people had grown up
45841 drinking it and doing the experiment in sixth grade where you put a
45842 nail into a glass of Coke and after a couple of days the nail dissolves
45843 and the teacher says: "Imagine what it does to your TEETH!" So
45844 Coca-Cola was solidly entrenched in the market, and the management saw
45845 no need to improve ...
45846 -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence"
45848 Take time to reflect on all the things you have, not as a result of your
45849 merit or hard work or because God or chance or the efforts of other people
45850 have given them to you.
45852 Take what you can use and let the rest go by.
45855 Take your dying with some seriousness, however. Laughing on the way to
45856 your execution is not generally understood by less advanced life forms,
45857 and they'll call you crazy.
45858 -- "Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul"
45860 Take your Senator to lunch this week.
45862 Take your work seriously but never take yourself seriously; and do not
45863 take what happens either to yourself or your work seriously.
45864 -- Booth Tarkington
45866 Taking drugs in the 60's, I tried to reach Nirvana, but all I ever
45867 got were re-runs of The Mickey Mouse Club.
45870 Talent does what it can.
45871 Genius does what it must.
45872 You do what you get paid to do.
45874 Talk is cheap because supply always exceeds demand.
45876 Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.
45879 Talkers are no good doers.
45880 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
45882 Talking about music is like dancing about architecture.
45885 Talking much about oneself can also be a means to conceal oneself.
45886 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
45888 Tallulah Bankhead barged down the
45889 Nile last night as Cleopatra and sank.
45890 -- John Mason Brown, drama critic
45892 Tan me hide when I'm dead, Fred,
45893 Tan me hide when I'm dead.
45894 So we tanned his hide when he died, Clyde,
45895 It's hanging there on the shed.
45897 All together now...
45898 Tie me kangaroo down, sport,
45899 Tie me kangaroo down.
45900 Tie me kangaroo down, sport,
45901 Tie me kangaroo down.
45903 Tart words make no friends; a spoonful of honey
45904 will catch more flies than a gallon of vinegar.
45905 -- Benjamin Franklin
45907 TAURUS (Apr 20 - May 20)
45908 You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged
45909 determination and work like hell. Most people think you are
45910 stubborn and bull headed. You are a Communist.
45912 TAURUS (Apr. 20 to May 20)
45913 Let your self-confidence and determination shine, and people will
45914 find you boorish and headstrong. Travel, promotion, and romance
45915 highlighted, if you live long enough. Don't take any wooden nickels.
45917 TAURUS (Apr.20 - May 20)
45918 Take advantage of this opportunity to get a little extra sleep,
45919 because you're going to miss the bus again today anyway. You will
45920 decide to lose weight today, just like yesterday.
45925 Tax reform means "Don't tax you, don't tax me, tax that fellow behind
45930 Of life's two certainties,
45931 the only one for which you can get an extension.
45933 Taxes are going up so fast, the government is likely to price itself
45936 Taxes are not levied for the benefit of the taxed.
45939 Of life's two certainties, the only one for which you can get
45942 TCP/IP Slang Glossary, #1:
45944 Gong, n: Medieval term for privvy, or what passed for them in that era.
45945 Today used whimsically to describe the aftermath of a bogon attack. Think
45946 of our community as the Galapagos of the English language.
45948 "Vogons may read you bad poetry, but bogons make you study obsolete RFCs."
45951 Teach children to be polite and courteous in the home, and, when they
45952 grow up, they will never be able to edge a car onto a freeway.
45954 Teach children to be polite and courteous in the home, and,
45955 when they grow up, they won't be able to edge a car onto a freeway.
45957 Teachers have class.
45960 Having someone to blame.
45962 Teamwork is essential -- it allows you to blame someone else.
45964 Technicality, n. In an English court a man named Home was tried for
45965 slander in having accused a neighbor of murder. His exact words were:
45966 "Sir Thomas Holt hath taken a cleaver and stricken his cook upon the
45967 head, so that one side of his head fell on one shoulder and the other
45968 side upon the other shoulder." The defendant was acquitted by
45969 instruction of the court, the learned judges holding that the words did
45970 not charge murder, for they did not affirm the death of the cook, that
45971 being only an inference.
45972 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
45974 "Technique?" said the programmer turning from his terminal, "What I follow
45975 is Tao -- beyond all technique! When I first began to program I would see
45976 before me the whole problem in one mass. After three years I no longer saw
45977 this mass. Instead, I used subroutines. But now I see nothing. My whole
45978 being exists in a formless void. My senses are idle. My spirit, free to
45979 work without plan, follows its own instinct. In short, my program writes
45980 itself. True, sometimes there are difficult problems. I see them coming, I
45981 slow down, I watch silently. Then I change a single line of code and the
45982 difficulties vanish like puffs of idle smoke. I then compile the program.
45983 I sit still and let the joy of the work fill my being. I close my eyes for
45984 a moment and then log off."
45986 Technological progress has merely provided us with more efficient means
45987 for going backwards.
45990 Technology is dominated by those who manage what they do not understand.
45992 Tehee quod she, and clapte the wyndow to.
45993 -- Geoffrey Chaucer
45995 Telephone books are like dictionaries -- if you know the answer before
45996 you look it up, you can eventually reaffirm what you thought you knew
45997 but weren't sure. But if you're searching for something you don't
45998 already know, your fingers could walk themselves to death.
46002 An invention of the devil which abrogates some of the
46003 advantages of making a disagreeable person keep his distance.
46007 The deep-seated guilt which stems from knowing that you did not try
46008 hard enough to look up the number on your own and instead put the
46009 burden on the directory assistant.
46010 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
46012 Television -- a medium. So called because it is neither rare nor well done.
46015 Television -- the longest amateur night in history.
46018 Television has brought back murder into the home -- where it belongs.
46019 -- Alfred Hitchcock
46021 Television has proved that people will look at anything rather than
46025 Television is a medium because anything well done is rare.
46026 -- attributed to both Fred Allen and Ernie Kovacs
46028 Television is now so desperately hungry for material
46029 that it is scraping the top of the barrel.
46032 Television only proves that people will look at anything --
46033 rather than each other.
46035 Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll
46036 believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he'll have
46037 to touch to be sure.
46039 Tell me, O Octopus, I begs,
46040 Is those things arms, or is they legs?
46041 I marvel at thee, Octopus;
46042 If I were thou, I'd call me us.
46045 Tell me what to think!!!
46047 Tell me why the stars do shine,
46048 Tell me why the ivy twines,
46049 Tell me why the sky's so blue,
46050 And I will tell you just why I love you.
46052 Nuclear fusion makes stars to shine,
46053 Phototropism makes ivy twine,
46054 Rayleigh scattering makes sky so blue,
46055 Sexual hormones are why I love you.
46057 Telling the truth to people who misunderstand you is generally
46058 promoting a falsehood, isn't it?
46061 Tempt me with a spoon!
46063 Tempt not a desperate man.
46064 -- William Shakespeare, "Romeo and Juliet"
46066 Ten of the meanest cons in the state pen met in the corner of the yard to
46067 shoot some craps. The stakes were enormous, the tension palpable.
46068 When his turn came to shoot, Dutsky nervously plunked down his
46069 entire wad, shook the dice and rolled. A smile crossed his face as a seven
46070 showed up, but it quickly changed to horror as a third die slipped out of
46071 his sleeve and fell to the ground with the two others. No one said a word.
46072 Finally, Killer Lucci picked up the third die, put it in his pocket and
46073 handed the others to Dutsky.
46074 "Roll 'em," Lucci said. "Your point is thirteen."
46076 Ten of the meanest cons in the state pen met in the corner of the yard to
46077 shoot some craps. The stakes were enormous, the tension palpable.
46078 When his turn came to shoot, Dutsky nervously plunked down his
46079 entire wad, shook the dice and rolled. A smile crossed his face as a
46080 seven showed up, but it quickly changed to horror as third die slipped out
46081 of his sleeve and fell to the ground with the two others. No one said a
46082 word. Finally, Killer Lucci picked up the third die, put it in his pocket
46083 and handed the others to Dutsky.
46084 "Roll 'em," Lucci said. "Your point is thirteen."
46086 Ten persons who speak make more noise than ten thousand who are silent.
46089 Ten years of rejection slips is nature's way of telling you to stop
46093 "Terence, this is stupid stuff:
46094 You eat your victuals fast enough;
46095 There can't be much amiss, 'tis clear,
46096 To see the rate you drink your beer.
46097 But oh, good Lord, the verse you make,
46098 It gives a chap the belly-ache.
46099 The cow, the old cow, she is dead;
46100 It sleeps well the horned head:
46101 We poor lads, 'tis our turn now
46102 To hear such tunes as killed the cow.
46103 Pretty friendship 'tis to rhyme
46104 Your friends to death before their time.
46105 Moping, melancholy mad:
46106 Come, pipe a tune to dance to, lad."
46109 Term, holidays, term, holidays, till we leave
46110 school, and then work, work, work till we die.
46113 "Termiter's argument that God is His own grandmother generated a
46114 surprising amount of controversy among Church leaders, who on the one
46115 hand considered the argument unsupported by scripture but on the other
46116 hand were unwilling to risk offending God's grandmother."
46117 -- Len Cool, "American Pie"
46119 Tertullian was born in Carthage somewhere about 160 A.D. He was a
46120 pagan, and he abandoned himself to the lascivious life of his city
46121 until about his 35th year, when he became a Christian ... To him is
46122 ascribed the sublime confession: Credo quia absurdum est (I believe
46123 because it is absurd). This does not altogether accord with historical
46124 fact, for he merely said:
46126 "And the Son of God died, which is immediately credible because
46127 it is absurd. And buried he rose again, which is certain
46128 because it is impossible."
46130 Thanks to the acuteness of his mind, he saw through the poverty of
46131 philosophical and Gnostic knowledge, and contemptuously rejected it.
46132 -- C. G. Jung, "Psychological Types"
46134 [Tertullian was one of the founders of the Catholic Church. Ed.]
46137 Take amount of grass used in one joint, and wash in 5 cc's
46138 of water, agitating gently for 15 minutes. Strain out leaves,
46139 leaving a brownish-yellow solution. Add 100 mg each of sodium
46140 bicarbonate and sodium dithionite. If paraquat is present,
46141 the solution will turn blue-green.
46143 Testing can show the presence of bugs, but not their absence.
46144 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
46146 Test-tube babies shouldn't throw stones.
46151 TEX is potentially the most significant invention in typesetting in this
46152 century. It introduces a standard language for computer typography, and in
46153 terms of importance could rank near the introduction of the Gutenberg press.
46156 Texas A&M football coach Jackie Sherrill went to the office of the Dean
46157 of Academics because he was concerned about his players' mental abilities.
46158 "My players are just too stupid for me to deal with them", he told the
46159 unbelieving dean. At this point, one of his players happened to enter
46160 the dean's office. "Let me show you what I mean", said Sherrill, and he
46161 told the player to run over to his office to see if he was in. "OK, Coach",
46162 the player replied, and was off. "See what I mean?" Sherrill asked.
46163 "Yeah", replied the dean. "He could have just picked up this phone and
46164 called you from here."
46166 Texas is Hell on woman and horses.
46169 Texas law forbids anyone to have a pair of pliers in his possession.
46171 "Text processing has made it possible to right-justify any idea, even
46172 one which cannot be justified on any other grounds."
46173 -- J. Finnegan, USC.
46175 Thank goodness modern convenience is a thing of the remote future.
46176 -- Pogo, by Walt Kelly
46178 Thank you for observing all safety precautions.
46180 That all men should be brothers is the dream of people who have no brothers.
46181 -- Charles Chincholles, "Pensees de tout le monde"
46183 "That boy's about as sharp as a pound of wet liver"
46186 That does not compute.
46188 That feeling just came over me.
46189 -- Albert DeSalvo, the "Boston Strangler"
46191 That government is best which governs least.
46192 -- Henry David Thoreau, "Civil Disobedience"
46194 That is the true season of love, when we believe that we alone can love,
46195 that no one could have loved so before us, and that no one will love
46196 in the same way as us.
46197 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
46205 "That must be wonderful! I don't understand it at all."
46207 That must be wonderful: I don't understand it at all.
46210 That secret you've been guarding, isn't.
46212 That segment of the community with which one has the greatest
46213 sympathy as a liberal, inevitably turns out to be one of the most
46214 narrow-minded and bigoted segments of the community.
46216 That that is is that that is not is not.
46219 That, that is not, is not.
46220 That, that is, is not that, that is not.
46221 That, that is not, is not that, that is.
46223 ...that the notions of "hardware", and "software" should be extended by
46224 the notion of LIVEWARE - being that which produces software for use on
46225 hardware. This produces an obvious extension to the concept of MONITORS.
46226 A liveware monitor is a person dedicated to the task of ensuring that the
46227 liveware does not interfere with the real-time processes, invoking the
46228 REAL-TIME EXECUTIONER to delete liveware that adversely affects ...
46229 -- Linden and Wihelminalaan
46231 That which is not good for the swarm, neither is it good for the bee.
46233 That woman speaks eight languages and can't say "no" in any of them.
46236 That Xanthippe's husband should have become so great a philosopher is
46237 remarkable. Amid all the scolding, to be able to think! But he could not
46238 write: that was impossible. Socrates has not left us a single book.
46241 That's always the way when you discover
46242 something new; everyone thinks you're crazy.
46248 How much does it cost?
46250 I only have a dollar.
46253 That's life for you, said McDunn. Someone always waiting for someone
46254 who never comes home. Always someone loving something more than that
46255 thing loves them. And after awhile you want to destroy whatever that
46256 thing is, so it can't hurt you no more.
46257 -- Ray Bradbury, "The Fog Horn"
46259 "That's no answer," Job said, "And for someone who's supposed to be
46260 omnipotent, let me tell you `tabernacle' has only one l."
46261 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
46266 That's odd. That's very odd.
46267 Wouldn't you say that's very odd?
46269 That's one small step for a man; one giant leap for mankind.
46272 That's the most fun I've had without laughing.
46273 -- Woody Allen, on sex
46275 That's the thing about people who think they hate computers. What they
46276 really hate is lousy programmers.
46277 -- Larry Niven and Jerry Pournelle in "Oath of Fealty"
46279 That's the true harbinger of spring, not crocuses or swallows
46280 returning to Capistrano, but the sound of a bat on a ball.
46283 That's what she said.
46285 That's where the money was.
46286 -- Willie Sutton, on being asked why he robbed a bank
46288 It's a rather pleasant experience to be alone in a bank at night.
46291 The 11 is for people with the pride of a 10 and the pocketbook of an 8.
46294 The 357.73 Theory --
46295 Auditors always reject expense accounts
46296 with a bottom line divisible by 5.
46298 The 80's -- when you can't tell hairstyles from chemotherapy.
46300 The 'A' is for content, the 'minus' is for not typing it.
46301 Don't ever do this to my eyes again.
46302 -- Professor Ronald Brady, Philosophy, Ramapo State College
46304 The Abrams' Principle:
46305 The shortest distance between two points is off the wall.
46307 The absence of labels [in ECL] is probably a good thing.
46310 The absent ones are always at fault.
46312 The absurd is the essential concept and the first truth.
46315 The abuse of greatness is when it disjoins remorse from power.
46316 -- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar"
46318 The adjective is the banana peel of the parts of speech.
46321 The adjuration to be "normal" seems shockingly repellent to me; I see neither
46322 hope nor comfort in sinking to that low level. I think it is ignorance that
46323 makes people think of abnormality only with horror and allows them to remain
46324 undismayed at the proximity of "normal" to average and mediocre. For surely
46325 anyone who achieves anything is, essentially, abnormal.
46326 -- Dr. Karl Menninger, "The Human Mind", 1930
46328 The advantage of being celibate is that when one sees a pretty girl one
46329 does not need to grieve over having an ugly one back home.
46330 -- Paul Leautaud, "Propos dun jour"
46332 The advertisement is the most truthful part of a newspaper
46333 -- Thomas Jefferson
46335 The Advertising Agency Song:
46337 When your client's hopping mad,
46338 Put his picture in the ad.
46339 If he still should prove refractory,
46340 Add a picture of his factory.
46342 The aim of a joke is not to degrade the human being but to remind him that
46343 he is already degraded.
46346 The aim of science is to seek the simplest explanations of complex
46347 facts. Seek simplicity and distrust it.
46350 The alarm clock that is louder than God's own
46351 belongs to the roommate with the earliest class.
46353 The algorithm for finding the longest path in a graph is NP-complete.
46354 For you systems people, that means it's *real slow*.
46357 "The algorithm to do that is extremely nasty. You might want to mug
46359 -- M. Devine, Computer Science 340
46361 The all-softening overpowering knell,
46362 The tocsin of the soul, -- the dinner bell.
46365 The Almighty in His infinite wisdom did not see
46366 fit to create Frenchmen in the image of Englishmen.
46367 -- Winston Churchill, 1942
46369 The American Dental Association announced today that most plaque tends
46370 to form on teeth around 4:00 PM in the afternoon.
46374 The American nation in the sixth ward is a fine people; they love the
46375 eagle -- on the back of a dollar.
46376 -- Finlay Peter Dunne
46378 The American system of ours, call it Americanism, call it Capitalism,
46379 call it what you like, gives each and every one of us a great
46380 opportunity if we only seize it with both hands and make the most of it.
46383 The amount of time between slipping on the peel and landing on the
46384 pavement is precisely 1 bananosecond.
46386 The amount of weight an evangelist carries with the almighty is measured
46389 The Analytical Engine weaves Algebraical patterns
46390 just as the Jacquard loom weaves flowers and leaves.
46391 -- Ada Augusta, Countess of Lovelace, the first programmer
46393 The Ancient Doctrine of Mind Over Matter:
46394 I don't mind... and you don't matter.
46396 -- As revealed to reporter G. Rivera by Swami Havabanana
46398 The Angels want to wear my red shoes.
46401 The anger of a woman is the greatest evil
46402 with which you can threaten your enemies.
46405 The Anglo-Saxon conscience does not prevent the Anglo-Saxon from
46406 sinning, it merely prevents him from enjoying his sin.
46407 -- Salvador De Madariaga
46409 The angry man always thinks he can do more than he can.
46410 -- Albertano of Brescia
46412 The animals are not as stupid as one thinks -- they have neither
46413 doctors nor lawyers.
46416 The annual meeting of the "You Have To Listen To Experience" Club is now in
46417 session. Our Achievement Awards this year are in the fields of publishing,
46418 advertising and industry. For best consistent contribution in the field of
46419 publishing our award goes to editor, R. L. K., [...] for his unrivalled alle-
46420 giance without variation to the statement: "Personally I'd love to do it,
46421 we'd ALL love to do it. But we're not going to do it. It's not the kind of
46422 book our house knows how to handle." Our superior performance award in the
46423 field of advertising goes to media executive, E. L. M., [...] for the continu-
46424 ally creative use of the old favorite: "I think what you've got here could be
46425 very exciting. Why not give it one more try based on the approach I've out-
46426 lined and see if you can come up with something fresh." Our final award for
46427 courageous holding action in the field of industry goes to supervisor, R. S.,
46428 [...] for her unyielding grip on "I don't care if they fire me, I've been
46429 arguing for a new approach for YEARS but are we SURE that this is the right
46430 time--" I would like to conclude this meeting with a verse written specially
46431 for our prospectus by our founding president fifty years ago -- and now, as
46432 then, fully expressive of the emotion most close to all our hearts --
46433 Treat freshness as a youthful quirk,
46434 And dare not stray to ideas new,
46435 For if t'were tried they might e'en work
46436 And for a living what woulds't we do?
46438 The answer is that libdialog, the library on which sysinstall depends
46439 for these menus, is genuinely evil. It is the unloved, satanic
46440 bastard child of multiple parents and torturing users like yourself
46441 constitutes the only joy in life it has left. Its source files are
46442 all chmod'd 0666 and dire README files warn against trespass by
46443 neophyte programmers. It is the 7th gate of Hell. It makes the baby
46444 Jesus cry. Were libdialog given anthropomorphic representation, it
46445 would be promptly burnt at the stake and its ashes scattered in the
46446 desert, to be then doused with holy water from altitude by
46447 fire-fighting aircraft.
46449 -- Jordan K. Hubbard on the evils of libdialog
46451 The answer to the question of Life, the Universe, and Everything is...
46453 Four day work week,
46454 Two ply toilet paper!
46456 The answer to the Ultimate Question of Life, the Universe, and Everything was
46457 released with the kind permission of the Amalgamated Union of Philosophers,
46458 Sages, Luminaries, and Other Professional Thinking Persons.
46460 The ark lands after The Flood. Noah lets all the animals out. Says he, "Go
46461 and multiply." Several months pass. Noah decides to check up on the animals.
46462 All are doing fine except a pair of snakes. "What's the problem?" says Noah.
46463 "Cut down some trees and let us live there", say the snakes. Noah follows
46464 their advice. Several more weeks pass. Noah checks on the snakes again.
46465 Lots of little snakes, everybody is happy. Noah asks, "Want to tell me how
46466 the trees helped?" "Certainly", say the snakes. "We're adders, and we need
46469 The Arkansas legislature passed a law that states that the Arkansas
46470 River can rise no higher than to the Main Street bridge in Little
46473 The arms business is founded on human folly, that is why its depths will
46474 never be plumbed and why it will go on forever. All weapons are defensive
46475 and all spare parts are non-lethal. The plainest print cannot be read
46476 through a solid gold sovereign, or a ruble or a golden eagle.
46477 -- Sam Cummings, American arms dealer
46479 The Army has carried the American ... ideal to its logical conclusion.
46480 Not only do they prohibit discrimination on the grounds of race, creed
46481 and color, but also on ability.
46484 The Army needs leaders the way a foot needs a big toe.
46487 The assertion that "all men are created equal" was of no practical use
46488 in effecting our separation from Great Britain and it was placed in the
46489 Declaration not for that, but for future use.
46492 The astronomer Francesco Sizi, a contemporary of Galileo, argues that
46493 Jupiter can have no satellites:
46495 There are seven windows in the head, two nostrils, two ears, two
46496 eyes, and a mouth; so in the heavens there are two favorable stars, two
46497 unpropitious, two luminaries, and Mercury alone undecided and indifferent.
46498 From which and many other similar phenomena of nature such as the seven
46499 metals, etc., which it were tedious to enumerate, we gather that the number
46500 of planets is necessarily seven. [...]
46501 Moreover, the satellites are invisible to the naked eye and
46502 therefore can have no influence on the earth and therefore would be useless
46503 and therefore do not exist.
46505 The attacker must vanquish; the defender need only survive.
46507 The average girl would rather have beauty than brains because she
46508 knows that the average man can see much better than he can think.
46509 -- Ladies' Home Journal
46511 The average, healthy, well-adjusted adult gets up at seven-thirty in
46512 the morning feeling just terrible.
46515 The average income of the modern teenager is about 2 a.m.
46517 The average individual's position in any hierarchy is a lot like pulling
46518 a dogsled -- there's no real change of scenery except for the lead dog.
46520 The average nutritional value of promises is roughly zero.
46522 The average Ph.D thesis is nothing but the transference of bones from
46523 one graveyard to another.
46524 -- J. Frank Dobie, "A Texan in England"
46526 The average woman must inevitably view her actual husband with a certain
46527 disdain; he is anything but her ideal. In consequence, she cannot help
46528 feeling that her children are cruelly handicapped by the fact that he is
46532 The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the
46533 average man can see better than he can think.
46535 The avocation of assessing the failures of better men can be turned
46536 into a comfortable livelihood, providing you back it up with a Ph.D.
46537 -- Nelson Algren, "Writers at Work"
46539 The avoidance of taxes is the only intellectual pursuit that
46540 carries any reward.
46541 -- John Maynard Keynes
46543 "The bad reputation UNIX has gotten is totally undeserved, laid on by
46544 people who don't understand, who have not gotten in there and tried
46546 -- Jim Joyce, owner of Jim Joyce's UNIX Bookstore
46548 The bank called to tell me that I'm overdrawn,
46549 Some freaks are burning crosses out on my front lawn,
46550 And I *can't*believe* it, all the Cheetos are gone,
46551 It's just ONE OF THOSE DAYS!
46552 -- Weird Al Yankovic, "One of Those Days"
46554 The bank sent our statement this morning,
46555 The red ink was a sight of great awe!
46556 Their figures and mine might have balanced,
46557 But my wife was too quick on the draw.
46559 The basic idea behind malls is that they are more convenient than cities.
46560 Cities contain streets, which are dangerous and crowded and difficult to
46561 park in. Malls, on the other hand, have parking lots, which are also
46562 dangerous and crowded and difficult to park in, but -- here is the big
46563 difference -- in mall parking lots, THERE ARE NO RULES. You're allowed to
46564 do anything. You can drive as fast as you want in any direction you want.
46565 I was once driving in a mall parking lot when my car was struck by a pickup
46566 truck being driven backward by a squat man with a tattoo that said "Charlie"
46567 on his forearm, who got out and explained to me, in great detail, why the
46568 accident was my fault, his reasoning being that he was violent and muscular,
46569 whereas I was neither. This kind of reasoning is legally valid in mall
46573 The basic idea behind malls is that they are more convenient than
46574 cities. Cities contain streets, which are dangerous and crowded and
46575 difficult to park in. Malls, on the other hand, have parking lots,
46576 which are also dangerous and crowded and difficult to park in, but --
46577 here is the big difference -- in mall parking lots, THERE ARE NO
46578 RULES. You're allowed to do anything. You can drive as fast as you
46579 want in any direction you want. I was once driving in a mall parking
46580 lot when my car was struck by a pickup truck being driven backward by a
46581 squat man with a tattoo that said "Charlie" on his forearm, who got out
46582 and explained to me, in great detail, why the accident was my fault,
46583 his reasoning being that he was violent and muscular, whereas I was
46584 neither. This kind of reasoning is legally valid in mall parking
46586 -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
46588 The basic menu item, in fact the ONLY menu item, would be a food unit
46589 called the "patty," consisting of -- this would be guaranteed in
46590 writing -- "100 percent animal matter of some kind." All patties would
46591 be heated up and then cooled back down in electronic devices
46592 immediately before serving. The Breakfast Patty would be a patty on a
46593 bun with lettuce, tomato, onion, egg, Ba-Ko-Bits, Cheez Whiz, a Special
46594 Sauce made by pouring ketchup out of a bottle and a little slip of
46595 paper stating: "Inspected by Number 12". The Lunch or Dinner Patty
46596 would be any Breakfast Patties that didn't get sold in the morning.
46597 The Seafood Lover's Patty would be any patties that were starting to
46598 emit a serious aroma. Patties that were too rank even to be Seafood
46599 Lover's Patties would be compressed into wads and sold as "Nuggets."
46600 -- Dave Barry, "'Mister Mediocre' Restaurants"
46602 The bay-trees in our country are all wither'd
46603 And meteors fright the fixed stars of heaven;
46604 The pale-faced moon looks bloody on the earth
46605 And lean-look'd prophets whisper fearful change.
46606 These signs forerun the death or fall of kings.
46607 -- William Shakespeare, "Richard II"
46610 Paul McCartney's old back-up band.
46612 The beauty of a pun is in the "Oy!" of the beholder.
46614 The beer-cooled computer does not harm the ozone layer.
46615 -- John M. Ford, a.k.a. Dr. Mike
46617 [If I can read my notes from the Ask Dr. Mike session at Baycon, I
46618 believe he added that the beer-cooled computer uses "Forget Only
46621 The best audience is intelligent, well-educated and a little drunk.
46624 The best book on programming for the layman is "Alice in Wonderland";
46625 but that's because it's the best book on anything for the layman.
46627 The best case: Get salary from America, build a house in England,
46628 live with a Japanese wife, and eat Chinese food.
46629 Pretty good case: Get salary from England, build a house in America,
46630 live with a Chinese wife, and eat Japanese food.
46631 The worst case: Get salary from China, build a house in Japan,
46632 live with a British wife, and eat American food.
46634 -- Bungei Shunju, a popular Japanese magazine
46636 The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.
46639 The best defense against logic is ignorance.
46641 The best definition of a gentleman is a man who can play the accordion --
46645 The best diplomat I know is a fully activated phaser bank.
46648 The best equipment for your work is, of course, the most expensive.
46649 However, your neighbor is always wasting money that should be yours
46650 by judging things by their price.
46652 The best executive is one who has sense enough to pick good people to do
46653 what he wants done, and self-restraint enough to keep from meddling with
46654 them while they do it.
46655 -- Theodore Roosevelt
46657 The best laid plans of mice and men are held up in the legal department.
46659 The best laid plans of mice and men are usually about equal.
46662 The best man for the job is often a woman.
46664 The best number for a dinner party is two -- myself and a damn good
46666 -- Nubar Gulbenkian
46668 The best portion of a good man's life, his little,
46669 nameless, unremembered acts of kindness and love.
46672 The best prophet of the future is the past.
46674 The best rebuttal to this kind of statistical argument came from the
46675 redoubtable John W. Campbell:
46677 The laws of population growth tell us that approximately half the
46678 people who were ever born in the history of the world are now
46679 dead. There is therefore a 0.5 probability that this message is
46680 being read by a corpse.
46682 The best that we can do is to be kindly and helpful toward our friends and
46683 fellow passengers who are clinging to the same speck of dirt while we are
46684 drifting side by side to our common doom.
46687 The best thing about being bald is, that, when unexpected
46688 company arrives, all you have to do is straighten your tie.
46690 The best thing about growing older is that it takes such a long time.
46692 "The best thing for being sad," replied Merlin, beginning to puff and
46693 blow, "is to learn something. That's the only thing that never fails.
46694 You may grow old and trembling in your anatomies, you may lie awake at
46695 night listening to the disorder of your veins, you may miss your only
46696 love, you may see the world about you devastated by evil lunatics, or
46697 know your honour trampled in the sewers of baser minds. There is only
46698 one thing for it then -- to learn. Learn why the world wags and what
46699 wags it. That is the only thing which the mind can never exhaust,
46700 never alienate, never be tortured by, never fear or distrust, and never
46701 dream of regretting. Learning is the only thing for you. Look what a
46702 lot of things there are to learn."
46703 -- T. H. White, "The Once and Future King"
46705 The best thing that comes out of Iowa is I-80.
46707 The best things in life are for a fee.
46709 The best things in life go on sale sooner or later.
46711 The best way to accelerate a Macintoy is at 9.8 meters per second, squared.
46713 The best way to avoid responsibility is to say, "I've got responsibilities."
46715 The best way to get rid of worries is to let them die of neglect.
46717 The best way to keep your friends is not to give them away.
46719 The best way to make a fire with two sticks is to make sure one of them
46723 The best way to preserve a right is to exercise it, and the right to
46724 smoke is a right worth dying for.
46726 The best ways are the most straightforward ways. When you're sitting around
46727 scamming these things out, all kinds of James Bondian ideas come forth, but
46728 when it gets down to the reality of it, the simplest and most straightforward
46729 way is usually the best, and the way that attracts the least attention.
46730 Also, pouring gasoline on the water and lighting it like James Bond doesn't
46731 work either.... They tried it during Prohibition.
46732 -- Thomas King Forcade, marijuana smuggler
46734 The best you get is an even break.
46737 The better part of valor is discretion.
46738 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV"
46740 The better the state is established, the fainter is humanity.
46741 To make the individual uncomfortable, that is my task.
46742 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
46744 The Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals and 362 admonishments
46745 to heterosexuals. That doesn't mean that God doesn't love heterosexuals.
46746 It's just that they need more supervision.
46748 The Bible is not my Book and Christianity is not my religion. I could
46749 never give assent to the long complicated statements of Christian dogma.
46752 The Bible on letters of reference:
46754 Are we beginning all over again to produce our credentials? Do
46755 we, like some people, need letters of introduction to you, or from you?
46756 No, you are all the letter we need, a letter written on your heart; any
46757 man can see it for what it is and read it for himself.
46758 -- 2 Corinthians 3:1-2, New English translation
46760 The big cities of America are becoming Third World countries.
46763 The big mistake that men make is that when they turn thirteen or fourteen
46764 and all of a sudden they've reached puberty, they believe that they like
46765 women. Actually, you're just horny. It doesn't mean you like women any
46766 more at twenty-one than you did at ten.
46769 The big question is why in the course of evolution the males permitted
46770 themselves to be so totally eclipsed by the females. Why do they tolerate
46771 this total subservience, this wretched existence as outcasts who are
46772 hungry all the time?
46774 The bigger the theory the better.
46776 The bigger they are, the harder they hit.
46778 The biggest difference between time and space is that you can't reuse
46782 The biggest mistake you can make is to believe that you are
46783 working for someone else.
46785 The biggest problem with communication is the illusion that it has
46788 The Bird of Time has but a little way to fly ...
46789 and the bird is on the wing.
46792 The birds are singing, the flowers are budding, and it is time for Miss
46793 Manners to tell young lovers to stop necking in public.
46795 It's not that Miss Manners is immune to romance. Miss Manners has been
46796 known to squeeze a gentleman's arm while being helped over a curb, and,
46797 in her wild youth, even to press a dainty slipper against a foot or two
46798 under the dinner table. Miss Manners also believes that the sight of
46799 people strolling hand in hand or arm in arm or arm in hand dresses up a
46800 city considerably more than the more familiar sight of people shaking
46801 umbrellas at one another. What Miss Manners objects to is the kind of
46802 activity that frightens the horses on the street ...
46804 The black bear used to be one of the most commonly seen large animals
46805 because in Yosemite and Sequoia national parks they lived off of garbage
46806 and tourist handouts. This bear has learned to open car doors in
46807 Yosemite, where damage to automobiles caused by bears runs into the tens
46808 of thousands of dollars a year. Campaigns to bearproof all garbage
46809 containers in wild areas have been difficult, because as one biologist
46810 put it, "There is a considerable overlap between the intelligence levels
46811 of the smartest bears and the dumbest tourists."
46813 "The bland leadeth the bland and they both shall fall into the kitsch."
46815 The bogosity meter just pegged.
46817 The bold youth of today is very lonely.
46818 -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967)
46820 The bomb will never go off. I speak as an expert in explosives.
46821 -- Admiral William Leahy, U.S. Atomic Bomb Project
46823 The bone-chilling scream split the warm summer night in two, the first
46824 half being before the scream when it was fairly balmy and calm and
46825 pleasant, the second half still balmy and quite pleasant for those who
46826 hadn't heard the scream at all, but not calm or balmy or even very nice
46827 for those who did hear the scream, discounting the little period of time
46828 during the actual scream itself when your ears might have been hearing it
46829 but your brain wasn't reacting yet to let you know.
46830 -- Winning sentence, 1986 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest
46832 The boy stood on the burning deck,
46833 Eating peanuts by the peck.
46834 His father called him, but he could not go,
46835 For he loved those peanuts so.
46837 The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up
46838 in the morning, and does not stop until you get to school.
46840 The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment
46841 you get up in the morning, and does not stop until you get to work.
46843 The Briggs/Chase Law of Program Development:
46844 To determine how long it will take to write and debug a
46845 program, take your best estimate, multiply that by two, add one, and
46846 convert to the next higher units.
46848 The British are coming! The British are coming!
46850 The brotherhood of man is not a mere poet's dream; it is a most depressing
46851 and humiliating reality.
46854 The Buddha, the Godhead, resides quite as comfortably in the circuits of a
46855 digital computer or the gears of a cycle transmission as he does at the top
46856 of a mountain or in the petals of a flower. To think otherwise is to demean
46857 the Buddha -- which is to demean oneself.
46858 -- Robert Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance"
46860 The buffalo isn't as dangerous as everyone makes him out to be.
46861 Statistics prove that in the United States more Americans are killed in
46862 automobile accidents than are killed by buffalo.
46865 The bugs you have to avoid are the ones that give the user not only
46866 the inclination to get on a plane, but also the time.
46869 The Bulwer-Lytton fiction contest is held ever year at San Jose State
46870 Univ. by Professor Scott Rice. It is held in memory of Edward George
46871 Earle Bulwer-Lytton (1803-1873), a rather prolific and popular (in his
46872 time) novelist. He is best known today for having written "The Last
46875 Whenever Snoopy starts typing his novel from the top of his doghouse,
46876 beginning "It was a dark and stormy night..." he is borrowing from Lord
46877 Bulwer-Lytton. This was the line that opened his novel, "Paul Clifford,"
46878 written in 1830. The full line reveals why it is so bad:
46880 It was a dark and stormy night; the rain fell in torrents -- except
46881 at occasional intervals, when it was checked by a violent gust of
46882 wind which swept up the streets (for it is in London that our scene
46883 lies), rattling along the housetops, and fiercely agitating the scanty
46884 flame of the lamps that struggled against the darkness.
46886 The bureaucracy is expanding to meet the needs of an expanding
46889 "The C Programming Language -- A language which combines the
46890 flexibility of assembly language with the power of assembly language."
46892 The cable TV sex channels don't expand our horizons, don't make us better
46893 people, and don't come in clearly enough.
46896 The camel died quite suddenly on the second day, and Selena fretted
46897 sullenly and, buffing her already impeccable nails -- not for the first
46898 time since the journey began -- pondered snidely if this would dissolve
46899 into a vignette of minor inconveniences like all the other holidays spent
46901 -- Winning sentence, 1983 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest
46903 The camel has a single hump;
46905 Or else the other way around.
46906 I'm never sure. Are you?
46909 The capacity of human beings to bore one another seems to be vastly
46910 greater than that of any other animals. Some of their most esteemed
46911 inventions have no other apparent purpose, for example, the dinner
46912 party of more than two, the epic poem, and the science of metaphysics.
46915 The carbonyl is polarized,
46916 The delta end is plus.
46917 The nucleophile will thus attack,
46918 The carbon nucleus.
46919 Addition makes an alcohol,
46920 Of types there are but three.
46921 It makes a bond, to correspond,
46922 From C to shining C.
46923 -- Prof. Frank Westheimer, to "America the Beautiful"
46925 The cart has no place where a fifth wheel could be used.
46926 -- Herbert von Fritzlar
46928 The Celts invented two things, Whiskey and self-destruction.
46930 The chain which can be yanked is not the eternal chain.
46933 The chains of marriage are so heavy that it takes two to carry them, and
46937 The chicken that clucks the loudest is the one most likely to show up
46938 at the steam fitters' picnic.
46940 The chief cause of problems is solutions.
46943 The chief danger in life is that you may take too may precautions.
46946 The chief enemy of creativity is "good" sense
46949 The church is near but the road is icy; the bar is far away but I will
46953 The church saves sinners, but science seeks to stop their manufacture.
46956 The City of Palo Alto, in its official description of parking lot standards,
46957 specifies the grade of wheelchair access ramps in terms of centimeters of
46958 rise per foot of run. A compromise, I imagine...
46960 The clash of ideas is the sound of freedom.
46962 The clearest way into the Universe is through a forest wilderness.
46965 The clergy successfully preached the doctrines of patience and pusillanimity;
46966 the active virtues of society were discouraged; and the last remains of a
46967 military spirit were buried in the cloister: a large portion of public and
46968 private wealth was consecrated to the specious demands of charity and devotion;
46969 and the soldiers' pay was lavished on the useless multitudes of both sexes
46970 who could only plead the merits of abstinence and chastity.
46971 -- Edward Gibbons, "The Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire"
46973 "The climate of Bombay is such that its inhabitants have to live
46976 The closest to perfection a person ever comes is when they fill out a
46979 The closest to perfection a person ever comes
46980 is when he fills out a job application form.
46981 -- Stanley J. Randall
46983 The clothes have no emperor.
46984 -- C. A. R. Hoare, commenting on ADA
46986 The coast was clear.
46989 The college graduate is presented with a sheepskin to cover his
46990 intellectual nakedness.
46991 -- Robert M. Hutchins
46993 The Commandments of the EE:
46995 1: Beware of lightning that lurketh in an uncharged condenser
46996 lest it cause thee to bounce upon thy buttocks in a most
46997 embarrassing manner.
46998 2: Cause thou the switch that supplieth large quantities of juice to
46999 be opened and thusly tagged, that thy days may be long in this
47000 earthly vale of tears.
47001 3: Prove to thyself that all circuits that radiateth, and upon
47002 which the worketh, are grounded and thusly tagged lest they lift
47003 thee to a radio frequency potential and causeth thee to make like
47005 4: Tarry thou not amongst these fools that engage in intentional
47006 shocks for they are not long for this world and are surely
47009 The Commandments of the EE:
47011 5: Take care that thou useth the proper method when thou takest the
47012 measures of high-voltage circuits too, that thou dost not incinerate
47013 both thee and thy test meter, for verily, though thou has no company
47014 property number and can be easily surveyed, the test meter has
47015 one and, as a consequence, bringeth much woe unto a purchasing agent.
47016 6: Take care that thou tamperest not with interlocks and safety devices,
47017 for this incurreth the wrath of the chief electrician and bring
47018 the fury of the engineers on his head.
47019 7: Work thou not on energized equipment for if thou doest so, thy
47020 friends will surely be buying beers for thy widow and consoling
47021 her in certain ways not generally acceptable to thee.
47022 8: Verily, verily I say unto thee, never service equipment alone,
47023 for electrical cooking is a slow process and thou might sizzle in
47024 thy own fat upon a hot circuit for hours on end before thy maker
47025 sees fit to end thy misery and drag thee into his fold.
47027 The Commandments of the EE:
47029 9: Trifle thee not with radioactive tubes and substances lest thou
47030 commence to glow in the dark like a lightning bug, and thy wife be
47031 frustrated and have not further use for thee except for thy wages.
47032 10: Commit thou to memory all the words of the prophets which are
47033 written down in thy Bible which is the National Electrical Code,
47034 and giveth out with the straight dope and consoleth thee when
47035 thou hast suffered a ream job by the chief electrician.
47036 11: When thou muckest about with a device in an unthinking and/or
47037 unknowing manner, thou shalt keep one hand in thy pocket. Better
47038 that thou shouldest keep both hands in thy pockets than
47039 experimentally determine the electrical potential of an
47040 innocent-seeming device.
47042 The common cormorant, or shag, lays eggs inside a paper bag.
47044 The computer industry is journalists in their 20's standing in awe of
47045 entrepreneurs in their 30's who are hiring salesmen in their 40's and
47046 50's and paying them in the 60's and 70's to bring their marketing into
47050 The computer is to the information industry roughly what the
47051 central power station is to the electrical industry.
47054 "The Computer made me do it."
47056 The computing field is always in need of new cliches.
47059 The concept seems to be clear by now. It has been
47060 defined several times by examples of what it is not.
47062 The confusion of a staff member is measured by the length of his
47064 -- New York Times, Jan. 20, 1981
47066 The connection between the language in which we think/program and the problems
47067 and solutions we can imagine is very close. For this reason restricting
47068 language features with the intent of eliminating programmer errors is at best
47070 -- Bjarne Stroustrup
47072 The conservation movement is a breeding ground of Communists and other
47073 subversives. We intend to clean them out, even if it means rounding up
47074 every bird watcher in the country.
47075 -- John Mitchell, Atty. General 1969-1972
47077 The Constitution may not be perfect, but it's a lot better
47078 than what we've got!
47080 The Consultant's Curse:
47081 When the customer has beaten upon you long enough, give him
47082 what he asks for, instead of what he needs. This is very strong
47083 medicine, and is normally only required once.
47085 The control of the production of wealth
47086 is the control of human life itself.
47089 The correct way to punctuate a sentence that starts: "Of course it is
47090 none of my business, but --" is to place a period after the word "but."
47091 Don't use excessive force in supplying such a moron with a period.
47092 Cutting his throat is only a momentary pleasure and is bound to get you
47094 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
47096 The cost of feathers has risen, even down is up!
47098 The cost of living has just gone up another dollar a quart.
47101 The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
47103 The cost of living is going up, and the chance of living is going down.
47105 The countdown had stalled at "T" minus 69 seconds when Desiree, the first
47106 female ape to go up in space, winked at me slyly and pouted her thick,
47107 rubbery lips unmistakably -- the first of many such advances during what
47108 would prove to be the longest, and most memorable, space voyage of my
47110 -- Winning sentence, 1985 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest
47112 The course of true anything never does run smooth.
47115 The courtroom was pregnant (pun intended) with anxious silence as the
47116 judge solemnly considered his verdict in the paternity suit before him.
47117 Suddenly, he reached into the folds of his robes, drew out a cigar and
47118 ceremoniously handed it to the defendant.
47119 "Congratulations!" declaimed the jurist. "You have just become a
47122 The covers of this book are too far apart.
47123 -- Ambrose Bierce, reviewing a book
47125 The cow is nothing but a machine which makes grass fit for us people to
47129 The Creation of the Universe was made possible by a grant from Texas
47131 -- Credits from the PBS program `The Creation of the Universe'
47134 The Crown is full of it!
47135 -- Nate Harris, 1775
47137 The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should
47138 therefore be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could
47139 hardly be propagated. If the doctrine be admitted, rulers have only to
47140 declare war and they are screened at once from scrutiny ... In war,
47141 then, as in peace, assert the freedom of speech and of the press.
47142 Cling to this as the bulwark of all our rights and privileges.
47143 -- William Ellery Channing
47145 The curse of the Irish is not that they don't know the
47146 words to a song -- it's that they know them *all*.
47149 The "cutting edge" is getting rather dull.
47152 The Czechs announced after Sputnik that they, too, would launch
47153 a satellite. Of course, it would orbit Sputnik, not Earth!
47155 The danger is not that a particular class is unfit to govern.
47156 Every class is unfit to govern.
47159 The dangerous Lego Bomb, which targets shag rugs and scatters pieces of
47160 plastic that hurt like hell when you step on them is banned entirely....
47161 Hiring David Copperfield to pretend to saw the missiles in half will not
47162 be permitted... In order to reduce risk of accidental war, both sides
47163 agree to ban the popular but dangerous "Simon Says" training drill at
47164 nuclear launch sites... Under no circumstances will either side reveal
47165 that it hammered out the treaty in one afternoon, but spent the last nine
47166 years arguing the Monty Hall and the three doors problem.
47167 -- Little known provisions of the START treaty by James Lileks
47169 The day advanced as if to light some work of mine; it was morning,
47170 and lo! now it is evening, and nothing memorable is accomplished.
47173 The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life.
47175 The day will come when the mystical generation of Jesus, by the Supreme Being
47176 as his Father, in the womb of a virgin will be classified with the fable of
47177 the generation of Minerva in the brain of Jupiter. But we may hope that the
47178 dawn of reason and freedom of thought in these United States will do away with
47179 this artificial scaffolding and restore to us the primitive and genuine
47180 doctrines of this most venerated Reformer of human errors.
47181 -- Thomas Jefferson
47183 The days are all empty and the nights are unreal.
47185 The days just prior to marriage are like a snappy introduction
47188 The day-to-day travails of the IBM programmer are so amusing to most of
47189 us who are fortunate enough never to have been one -- like watching
47190 Charlie Chaplin trying to cook a shoe.
47192 The debate rages on: Is PL/I Bachtrian or Dromedary?
47194 "The deceased was killed by 1207.3557298 Volts AC RMS applied by
47195 accident when he brushed against the output terminal of a John B.
47196 Fluke Company High Voltage Calibrator."
47197 -- fictitious coroner's report by Mike Andrews
47199 The decision doesn't have to be logical; it was unanimous.
47201 The default Magic Word, "Abracadabra", actually is a corruption of the
47202 Hebrew phrase "ha-Bracha dab'ra" which means "pronounce the blessing".
47204 The degree of civilization in a society
47205 can be judged by entering its prisons.
47208 The degree of technical confidence is inversely
47209 proportional to the level of management.
47211 The denunciation of the young is a necessary part of the hygiene of older
47212 people, and greatly assists in the circulation of the blood.
47213 -- Logan Pearsall Smith
47215 The departing division general manager met a last time with his young
47216 successor and gave him three envelopes. "My predecessor did this for me,
47217 and I'll pass the tradition along to you," he said. "At the first sign
47218 of trouble, open the first envelope. Any further difficulties, open the
47219 second envelope. Then, if problems continue, open the third envelope.
47220 Good luck." The new manager returned to his office and tossed the envelopes
47222 Six months later, costs soared and earnings plummeted. Shaken, the
47223 young man opened the first envelope, which said, "Blame it all on me."
47224 The next day, he held a press conference and did just that. The
47226 Six months later, sales dropped precipitously. The beleaguered
47227 manager opened the second envelope. It said, "Reorganize."
47228 He held another press conference, announcing that the division
47229 would be restructured. The crisis passed.
47230 A year later, everything went wrong at once and the manager was
47231 blamed for all of it. The harried executive closed his office door, sank
47232 into his chair, and opened the third envelope.
47233 "Prepare three envelopes..." it said.
47235 The descent to Hades is the same from every place.
47238 The devil can cite Scripture for his purpose.
47239 -- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"
47241 The devil finds work for idle circuits to do.
47243 The devil finds work for idle glands.
47246 -- Gaius Julius Caesar
47248 The difference between a career and a job is about 20 hours a week.
47250 The difference between a good haircut and a bad one is seven days.
47252 The difference between a Miracle and a Fact is
47253 exactly the difference between a mermaid and a seal.
47256 "The difference between a misfortune and a calamity? If Gladstone fell
47257 into the Thames, it would be a misfortune. But if someone dragged him
47258 out again, it would be a calamity."
47259 -- Benjamin Disraeli
47261 The difference between America and England is, the English think 100
47262 miles is a long distance and the Americans think 100 years is a long time.
47264 The difference between art and science is that science is what we
47265 understand well enough to explain to a computer. Art is everything else.
47266 -- Donald E. Knuth, "Discover"
47268 The difference between common-sense and paranoia is that common-sense is
47269 thinking everyone is out to get you. That's normal -- they are. Paranoia
47270 is thinking that they're conspiring.
47273 The difference between dogs and cats is that dogs come when they're
47274 called. Cats take a message and get back to you.
47276 The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits.
47278 The difference between legal separation and divorce is
47279 that legal separation gives the man time to hide his money.
47281 The difference between reality and unreality
47282 is that reality has so little to recommend it.
47285 The difference between science and the fuzzy subjects is that science
47286 requires reasoning while those other subjects merely require
47288 -- Robert A. Heinlein
47290 The difference between sentiment and being sentimental is the following:
47291 Sentiment is when a driver swerves out of the way to avoid hitting a
47292 rabbit on the road. Being sentimental is when the same driver, when
47293 swerving away from the rabbit hits a pedestrian.
47294 -- Frank Herbert, "The White Plague"
47296 The difference between sentiment and sentimentality is easy to see. When
47297 you avoid killing somebody's pet on the glazeway, that's sentiment. If you
47298 swerve to avoid the pet and that causes you to kill pedestrians, THAT is
47300 -- Frank Herbert, "Chapterhouse: Dune"
47302 The difference between the right word and the almost right word
47303 is the difference between lightning and the lightning bug.
47306 The difference between this place and yogurt
47307 is that yogurt has a live culture.
47309 The difference between us is not very far,
47310 cruising for burgers in daddy's new car.
47312 The difference between waltzes and disco is mostly one of volume.
47315 The difficult we do today; the impossible takes a little longer.
47317 The dirty work at political conventions is almost always done in
47318 the grim hours between midnight and dawn. Hangmen and politicians
47319 work best when the human spirit is at its lowest ebb.
47322 The discerning person is always at a disadvantage.
47324 The disks are getting full; purge a file today.
47326 The distinction between Freedom and Liberty is not accurately known;
47327 naturalists have been unable to find a living specimen of either.
47330 The distinction between Jewish and goyish can be quite subtle, as the
47331 following quote from Lenny Bruce illustrates:
47333 "I'm Jewish. Count Basie's Jewish. Ray Charles is Jewish.
47334 Eddie Cantor's goyish. The B'nai Brith is goyish. The Hadassah is
47335 Jewish. Marine Corps -- heavy goyish, dangerous.
47336 "Kool-Aid is goyish. All Drake's Cakes are goyish.
47337 Pumpernickel is Jewish and, as you know, white bread is very goyish.
47338 Instant potatoes -- goyish. Black cherry soda's very Jewish.
47339 Macaroons are ____
\b\b\b\bvery Jewish. Fruit salad is Jewish. Lime Jell-O is
47340 goyish. Lime soda is ____
\b\b\b\bvery goyish. Trailer parks are so goyish that
47341 Jews won't go near them ..."
47342 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
47344 The distinction between true and false appears to become
47345 increasingly blurred by... the pollution of the language.
47348 The District of Columbia has a law forbidding you to exert pressure on
47349 a balloon and thereby cause a whistling sound on the streets.
47351 The divinity of Jesus is made a convenient cover for absurdity. Nowhere in
47352 the Gospels do we find a precept for Creeds, Confessions, Oaths, Doctrines,
47353 and whole carloads of other foolish trumpery that we find in Christianity.
47356 The doctrine of human equality reposes on this: that there is no man
47357 really clever who has not found that he is stupid.
47358 -- Gilbert K. Chesterson
47360 The door is the key.
47362 The duck hunter trained his retriever to walk on water. Eager to show
47363 off this amazing accomplishment, he asked a friend to go along on his
47364 next hunting trip. Saying nothing, he fired his first shot and, as the
47365 duck fell, the dog walked on the surface of the water, retrieved the
47366 duck and returned it to his master.
47367 "Notice anything?" the owner asked eagerly.
47368 "Yes," said his friend, "I see that fool dog of yours can't
47371 The duration of passion is proportionate with the original resistance
47373 -- Honore de Balzac
47375 The eagle may soar, but the weasel never gets sucked into a jet engine.
47377 The early bird gets the coffee left over from the night before.
47379 The early bird who catches the worm works for someone who comes in late
47380 and owns the worm farm.
47383 The early worm gets the bird.
47385 The early worm gets the late bird.
47387 The earth is like a tiny grain of sand, only much, much heavier.
47389 The easiest way to figure the cost of living is to take your income and
47392 "The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly
47393 teaches me to suspect that my own is also."
47395 "I would not interfere with any one's religion, either to strengthen it
47396 or to weaken it. I am not able to believe one's religion can affect his
47397 hereafter one way or the other, no matter what that religion may be.
47398 But it may easily be a great comfort to him in this life -- hence it is a
47399 valuable possession to him."
47401 "I do not see how eternal punishment hereafter could accomplish any good
47402 end, therefore I am not able to believe in it. To chasten a man in order
47403 to perfect him might be reasonable enough; to annihilate him when he shall
47404 have proved himself incapable of reaching perfection might be reasonable
47405 enough; but to roast him forever for the mere satisfaction of seeing him
47406 roast would not be reasonable -- even the atrocious God imagined by the Jews
47407 would tire of the spectacle eventually."
47410 The economy depends about as much on economists as the weather does on
47411 weather forecasters.
47412 -- Jean-Paul Kauffmann
47414 The egg cream is psychologically the opposite of circumcision -- it
47415 *pleasurably* reaffirms your Jewishness.
47418 The elder gods went to Yuggoth, and all you got was this lousy fortune.
47420 "The eleventh commandment was `Thou Shalt Compute' or `Thou Shalt Not
47421 Compute' -- I forget which."
47422 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
47424 The Encyclopaedia Galactica defines a robot as a mechanical apparatus designed
47425 to do the work of a man. The marketing division of Sirius Cybernetics
47426 Corporation defines a robot as "Your Plastic Pal Who's Fun To Be With".
47427 The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy defines the marketing division of the
47428 Sirius Cybernetics Corporation as "a bunch of mindless jerks who'll be the
47429 first against the wall when the revolution comes", with a footnote to effect
47430 that the editors would welcome applications from anyone interested in taking
47431 over the post of robotics correspondent.
47432 Curiously enough, an edition of the Encyclopaedia Galactica that
47433 had the good fortune to fall through a time warp from a thousand years in
47434 the future defined the marketing division of the Sirius Cybernetics
47435 Corporation as "a bunch of mindless jerks who were the first against the
47436 wall when the revolution came".
47438 The end move in politics is always to pick up a gun.
47439 -- Buckminster Fuller
47441 The end of labor is to gain leisure.
47443 The end of the human race will be that it will eventually die of
47445 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
47447 The end of the world will occur at 3:00 p.m., this Friday, with
47448 symposium to follow.
47450 The end of the world will occur at three p.m., this Friday,
47451 with symposium to follow.
47453 The ends justify the means.
47454 -- after Matthew Prior
47456 The energy produced by the breaking down of the atom is a very poor kind
47457 of thing. Anyone who expects a source of power from the transformation
47458 of these atoms is talking moonshine.
47459 -- Ernest Rutherford, after he had split the atom for
47462 The English country gentleman galloping after a fox -- the unspeakable
47463 in full pursuit of the uneatable.
47464 -- Oscar Wilde, "A Woman of No Importance"
47466 The English have no respect for their language, and will not teach
47467 their children to speak it.
47468 -- George Bernard Shaw
47470 The English instinctively admire any man
47471 who has no talent and is modest about it.
47472 -- James Agate, British film and drama critic
47474 The entire work force of the Communist countries is subjected to periodic
47475 purges (called verifications in Newspeak). One of the most severe took
47476 place in 1957 when Novotny, rattled by the Hungarian Revolution the year
47477 before, tried hard to weed out "radishes" (red outside, white inside) from
47478 all but insignificant positions. Any one of the following would often
47479 result in the loss of one's job: Bourgeois or Jewish family background,
47480 relatives abroad, contacts with former capitalists, having lived in a
47481 Western country, insufficient knowledge of Communist literature, and others.
47483 A man is interviewed by a "Verification Committee."
47484 "What kind of family do you come from?"
47485 "A rich, Jewish family."
47487 "A German aristocrat."
47488 "Have you ever been to the West?"
47489 "I spent most of my life in England."
47490 "How did you make a living there?"
47491 "A friend supported me."
47492 "Where did you get the money from?"
47493 "He owned a textile factory."
47495 "Never heard of him."
47496 "What is your name?"
47499 [The ERA] encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children,
47500 practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become lesbians.
47501 -- Pat Robertson, Man of God and serious Republican
47502 presidential aspirant.
47504 The error of youth is to believe that intelligence is a substitute
47505 for experience, while the error of age is to believe experience is
47506 a substitute for intelligence.
47509 The eternal feminine draws us upward.
47512 The executioner is, I hear, very expert, and my neck is very slender.
47515 The explanation requiring the fewest assumptions
47516 is the most likely to be correct.
47517 -- William of Occam
47519 The eye is a menace to clear sight, the ear is a menace to subtle hearing,
47520 the mind is a menace to wisdom, every organ of the senses is a menace to its
47521 own capacity. ... Fuss, the god of the Southern Ocean, and Fret, the god
47522 of the Northern Ocean, happened once to meet in the realm of Chaos, the god
47523 of the center. Chaos treated them very handsomely and they discussed together
47524 what they could do to repay his kindness. They had noticed that, whereas
47525 everyone else had seven apertures, for sight, hearing, eating, breathing and
47526 so on, Chaos had none. So they decided to make the experiment of boring holes
47527 in him. Every day they bored a hole, and on the seventh day, Chaos died.
47530 The eyes of taxes are upon you.
47532 The eyes of Texas are upon you,
47533 All the livelong day;
47534 The eyes of Texas are upon you,
47535 You cannot get away;
47536 Do not think you can escape them
47537 From night 'til early in the morn;
47538 The eyes of Texas are upon you
47539 'Til Gabriel blows his horn.
47540 -- University of Texas' school song
47542 The fact that an opinion has been widely held is no evidence that it is not
47543 utterly absurd; indeed, in view of the silliness of the majority of mankind,
47544 a widespread belief is more often likely to be foolish than sensible.
47545 -- Bertrand Russell, in "Marriage and Morals", 1929
47547 The fact that boys are allowed to exist at all is evidence of a
47548 remarkable Christian forbearance among men.
47551 The fact that hitler was a politcal genius unmasks the nature of politics
47552 in general as no other can.
47555 The fact that it works is immaterial.
47558 The fact that people are poor or discriminated against doesn't necessarily
47559 endow them with any special qualities of justice, nobility, charity or
47563 The famous politician was trying to save both his faces.
47565 The farther you go, the less you know.
47566 -- Lao Tsu, "Tao Te Ching"
47568 The fashion wears out more apparel than the man.
47569 -- William Shakespeare, "Much Ado About Nothing"
47571 The fashionable drawing rooms of London have always been happy to accept
47572 outsiders -- if only on their own, albeit undemanding terms. That is to
47573 say, artists, so long as they are not too talented, men of humble birth,
47574 so long as they have since amassed several million pounds, and socialists
47575 so long as they are Tories.
47576 -- Christopher Booker
47578 The faster I go, the behinder I get.
47581 The faster we go, the rounder we get.
47582 -- The Grateful Dead
47584 The Fastest Defeat In Chess
47585 The big name for us in the world of chess is Gibaud, a French chess
47587 In Paris during 1924 he was beaten after only four moves by a
47588 Monsieur Lazard. Happily for posterity, the moves are recorded and so
47589 chess enthusiasts may reconstruct this magnificent collapse in the comfort
47590 of their own homes.
47591 Lazard was black and Gibaud white:
47596 White then resigns on realizing that a fifth move would involve
47597 either a Q-KR5 check or the loss of his queen.
47598 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
47600 The father, passing through his son's college town late one evening on a
47601 business trip, thought he would pay his boy a surprise visit. Arriving at the
47602 lad's fraternity house, dad rapped loudly on the door. After several minutes
47603 of knocking, a sleepy voice drifted down from a second-floor window,
47605 "Does Ramsey Duncan live here?" asked the father.
47606 "Yeah," replied the voice. "Dump him on the front porch."
47608 The feeling persists that no one can simultaneously be a respectable writer
47609 and understand how a refrigerator works, just as no gentleman wears a brown
47610 suit in the city. Colleges may be to blame. English majors are encouraged,
47611 I know, to hate chemistry and physics, and to be proud because they are not
47612 dull and creepy and humorless and war-oriented like the engineers across the
47613 quad. And our most impressive critics have commonly been such English majors,
47614 and they are squeamish about technology to this very day. So it is natural
47615 for them to despise science fiction.
47616 -- Kurt Vonnegut Jr., "Science Fiction"
47618 The fellow sat down at a bar, ordered a drink and asked the bartender if he
47619 wanted to hear a dumb-jock joke.
47620 "Hey, buddy," the bartender replied, "you see those two guys next to
47621 you? They used to be with the Chicago Bears. The two dudes behind you made
47622 the U.S. Olympic wrestling team. And for you information, I used to play
47623 center at Notre Dame."
47624 "Forget it," the customer said. "I don't want to explain it five
47627 "The feminist agenda," Pat Robertson observed in a recent letter to his
47628 supporters, "is not about equal rights for women. It is about a socialist,
47629 anti-family political movement that encourages women to leave their
47630 husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism
47631 and become lesbians."
47633 The Feynman Problem-Solving Algorithm:
47634 (1) write down the problem.
47635 (2) think very hard.
47636 (3) write down the answer.
47637 -- Murray Gell-Mann
47640 You have taken yourself too seriously.
47642 The final delusion is the belief that one has lost all delusions.
47643 -- Maurice Chapelain, "Main courante"
47645 The finest eloquence is that which gets things done.
47647 The first 90% of a project takes 90% of the time,
47648 the last 10% takes the other 90% of the time.
47650 The first and almost the only Book deserving of universal attention is
47652 -- John Quincy Adams
47654 All the good from the Saviour of the world is communicated through this Book;
47655 but for the Book we could not know right from wrong. All the things desirable
47656 to man are contained in it.
47659 ... the Bible ... is the one supreme source of revelation of the meaning of
47660 life, the nature of God and spiritual nature and need of men. It is the only
47661 guide of life which really leads the spirit in the way of peace and salvation.
47664 The First Commandment for Technicians:
47665 Beware the lightening that lurketh in the undischarged
47666 capacitor, lest it cause thee to bounce upon thy buttocks in a most
47667 untechnician-like manner.
47669 The first duty of a revolutionary is to get away with it.
47672 The first Great Steward, Parrafin the Climber, was employed in King
47673 Chloroplast's kitchen as second scullery boy when the old King met a
47674 tragic death. He apparently fell backward by accident on a dozen salad
47675 forks. Simultaneously the true heir, his son Carotene, mysteriously
47676 fled the city, complaining of some sort of plot and a lot of
47677 threatening notes left on his breakfast tray. At the time, this looked
47678 suspicious what with his father's death, and Carotene was suspected of
47679 foul play. Then the rest of the King's relatives began to drop dead
47680 one after the other in an odd fashion. Some were found strangled with
47681 dishrags and some succumbed to food poisoning. A few were found
47682 drowned in the soup vats, and one was attacked by assailants unknown
47683 and beaten to death with a pot roast. At least three appear to have
47684 thrown themselves backward on salad forks, perhaps in a noble gesture
47685 of grief over the King's untimely end. Finally there was no one left
47686 in Minas Troney who was either eligible or willing to wear the accursed
47687 crown, and the rule of Twodor was up for grabs. The scullery slave
47688 Parrafin bravely accepted the Stewardship of Twodor until that day when
47689 a lineal descendant of Carotene's returns to reclaim his rightful
47690 throne, conquer Twodor's enemies, and revamp the postal system.
47691 -- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings"
47693 The first guy that rats gets a bellyful of slugs in the head. Understand?
47694 -- Joey Glimco, trade unionist
47696 The first guy that rats gets a belly-full of slugs in the head.
47700 The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents and the second half
47704 The first marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence,
47705 and the second the triumph of hope over experience.
47707 The first myth of management is that it exists.
47709 The first myth of management is that it exists. The second myth of
47710 management is that success equals skill.
47713 The first requisite for immortality is death.
47716 The first riddle I ever heard, one familiar to almost every Jewish
47717 child, was propounded to me by my father:
47718 "What is it that hangs on the wall, is green, wet -- and
47720 I knit my brow and thought and thought, and in final perplexity
47722 "A herring," said my father.
47723 "A herring," I echoed. "A herring doesn't hang on the wall!"
47724 "So hang it there."
47725 "But a herring isn't green!" I protested.
47727 "But a herring isn't wet."
47728 "If it's just painted it's still wet."
47729 "But -- " I sputtered, summoning all my outrage, "-- a herring
47731 "Right, " smiled my father. "I just put that in to make it
47733 -- Leo Rosten, "The Joys of Yiddish"
47735 The first Rotarian was the first man to call John the Baptist "Jack."
47738 The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts.
47741 The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts.
47744 "The first rule of magic is simple. Don't waste your time waving your
47745 hands and hoping when a rock or a club will do."
47746 -- McCloctnik the Lucid
47748 The First Rule of Program Optimization:
47751 The Second Rule of Program Optimization (for experts only!):
47755 The first thing I do in the morning
47756 is brush my teeth and sharpen my tongue.
47759 The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers.
47760 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI", Part IV
47762 The first time, it's a KLUDGE!
47763 The second, a trick.
47764 Later, it's a well-established technique!
47765 -- Mike Broido, Intermetrics
47767 The first version always gets thrown away.
47769 The five rules of Socialism:
47772 2. If you do think, don't speak.
47773 3. If you think and speak, don't write.
47774 4. If you think, speak and write, don't sign.
47775 5. If you think, speak, write and sign, don't be surprised.
47777 -- being told in Poland, 1987
47779 ...the flaw that makes perfection perfect.
47781 The flow chart is a most thoroughly oversold piece of program documentation.
47782 -- Frederick Brooks Jr., "The Mythical Man Month"
47784 The flush toilet is the basis of Western civilization.
47787 The following quote is from page 4-27 of the MSCP Basic Disk Functions
47788 Manual which is part of the UDA50 Programmers Doc Kit manuals:
47790 As stated above, the host area of a disk is structured as a vector of
47791 logical blocks. From a performance viewpoint, however, it is more
47792 appropriate to view the host area as a four dimensional hyper-cube, the
47793 four dimensions being cylinder, group, track, and sector.
47795 Referring to our hyper-cube analogy, the set of potentially accessible
47796 blocks form a line parallel to the track axis. This line moves
47797 parallel to the sector axis, wrapping around when it reaches the edge
47800 The following statement is not true.
47801 The previous statement is true.
47803 The Following Subsume All Physical and Human Laws:
47805 1. You can't push on a string.
47806 2. Ain't no free lunches.
47807 3. Them as has, gets.
47808 4. You can't win them all, but you sure as hell can lose them all.
47810 The Force is what holds everything together.
47811 It has its dark side, and it has its light side.
47812 It's sort of like cosmic duct tape.
47814 The [Ford Foundation] is a large body of money completely surrounded by
47815 people who want some.
47816 -- Dwight MacDonald
47818 The forest is safe because a lion lives therein and the lion is safe
47819 because it lives in a forest. Likewise the friendship of persons
47820 rests on mutual help.
47823 The fortune program is supported, in part, by user contributions and by
47824 a major grant from the National Endowment for the Inanities.
47826 The founding fathers tried to set up a judicial system where the accused
47827 received a fair trial, not a system to ensure an acquittal on technicalities.
47829 The founding fathers tried to set up a system where a man got a fair
47830 trial, not a system to get let him get off on technicalities.
47832 The fountain code has been tightened slightly so you can no longer dip
47833 objects into a fountain or drink from one while you are floating in mid-air
47835 Teleporting to hell via a teleportation trap will no longer occur
47836 if the character does not have fire resistance.
47837 -- README file from the NetHack game
47839 "The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and
47843 [The French Riviera is] a sunny place for shady people.
47844 -- W. Somerset Maugham
47846 The full impact of parenthood doesn't hit you until you multiply the
47847 number of your kids by 32 teeth.
47849 The full potentialities of human fury cannot be reached until a friend
47850 of both parties tactfully interferes.
47851 -- G. K. Chesterton
47853 The function of the expert is not to be more right than other people,
47854 but to be wrong for more sophisticated reasons.
47855 -- Dr. David Butler, British psephologist
47857 The future is a myth created by insurance
47858 salesmen and high school counselors.
47860 The future is a race between education and catastrophe.
47863 The future isn't what it used to be. (It never was.)
47865 The future lies ahead.
47867 The future not being born, my friend,
47868 we will abstain from baptizing it.
47871 The garden is in mourning;
47872 The rain falls cool among the flowers.
47873 Summer shivers quietly
47874 On its way towards its end.
47876 Golden leaf after leaf
47877 Falls from the tall acacia.
47878 Summer smiles, astonished, feeble,
47879 In this dying dream of a garden.
47881 For a long while, yet, in the roses,
47882 She will linger on, yearning for peace,
47884 Close her weary eyes.
47885 -- Hermann Hesse, "September"
47887 The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to
47890 The genius of our ruling class is that it has kept a majority of the
47891 people from ever questioning the inequity of a system where most people
47892 drudge along paying heavy taxes for which they get nothing in return.
47895 The gent who wakes up and finds himself a success hasn't been asleep.
47897 The gentlemen looked one another over with microscopic carelessness.
47899 The geographical center of Boston is in Roxbury. Due north of the
47900 center we find the South End. This is not to be confused with South
47901 Boston which lies directly east from the South End. North of the South
47902 End is East Boston and southwest of East Boston is the North End.
47904 The giraffe you thought you offended last week is willing to be nuzzled
47907 The girl who remembers her first kiss now has a daughter who can't even
47908 remember her first husband.
47910 The girl who stoops to conquer usually wears a low-cut dress.
47912 The girl who swears no one has ever made love to her has a right to swear.
47915 The glances over cocktails
47916 That seemed to be so sweet
47917 Don't seem quite so amorous
47918 Over Shredded Wheat
47920 The goal of Computer Science is to build something that will last at
47921 least until we've finished building it.
47923 The goal of science is to build better mousetraps. The goal of nature
47924 is to build better mice.
47926 The gods gave man fire and he invented fire engines. They gave him
47927 love and he invented marriage.
47929 The Golden Rule is of no use to you whatever unless you realize it
47933 THE GOLDEN RULE OF ARTS AND SCIENCES
47934 The one who has the gold makes the rules.
47936 "The good Christian should beware of mathematicians and all those who
47937 make empty prophecies. The danger already exists that mathematicians
47938 have made a covenant with the devil to darken the spirit and confine
47939 man in the bonds of Hell."
47942 The good die young -- because they see it's no use living if you've got
47946 The good (I am convinced, for one)
47947 Is but the bad one leaves undone.
47948 Once your reputation's done
47949 You can live a life of fun.
47952 The good life was so elusive
47953 It really got me down
47954 I had to regain some confidence
47955 So I got into camouflage
47957 The good time is approaching,
47958 The season is at hand.
47959 When the merry click of the two-base lick
47960 Will be heard throughout the land.
47961 The frost still lingers on the earth, and
47962 Budless are the trees.
47963 But the merry ring of the voice of spring
47964 Is borne upon the breeze.
47965 -- Ode to Opening Day, "The Sporting News", 1886
47968 If a string has one end, it has another.
47970 The government has just completed work on a missile that turned out
47971 to be a bit of a boondoggle; nicknamed "Civil Servant", it won't work
47972 and they can't fire it.
47974 The government [is] extremely fond of amassing great quantities of
47975 statistics. These are raised to the _
\bnth degree, the cube roots are
47976 extracted, and the results are arranged into elaborate and impressive
47977 displays. What must be kept ever in mind, however, is that in every
47978 case, the figures are first put down by a village watchman, and he puts
47979 down anything he damn well pleases.
47980 -- Sir Josiah Stamp
47982 The Government just announced today the creation of the Neutron Bomb II.
47983 Similar to the Neutron Bomb, the Neutron Bomb II not only kills people
47984 and leaves buildings standing, but also does a little light housekeeping.
47986 The government of the United States is not in any sense founded on the
47988 -- George Washington
47990 The government was contemplating the dispatch of an expedition to Burma,
47991 with a view to taking Rangoon, and a question arose as to who would be the
47992 fittest general to be sent in command of the expedition. The Cabinet sent
47993 for the Duke of Wellington, and asked his advice. He instantly replied,
47994 "Send Lord Combermere."
47995 "But we have always understood that your Grace thought Lord
47996 Combermere a fool."
47997 "So he is a fool, and a damned fool; but he can take Rangoon."
47998 -- G. W. E. Russell
48000 The goys have proven the following theorem...
48001 -- Physicist John von Neumann, at the start of a classroom
48004 The grand leap of the whale up the Fall of Niagara is esteemed, by all
48005 who have seen it, as one of the finest spectacles in nature.
48006 -- Benjamin Franklin
48008 The grass is always greener on the other side of your sunglasses.
48010 The grave's a fine and private place,
48011 but none, I think, do there embrace.
48014 The graveyards are full of indispensable men.
48015 -- Charles de Gaulle
48017 The Great Bald Swamp Hedgehog:
48018 The Great Bald Swamp Hedgehog of Billericay displays, in
48019 courtship, his single prickle and does impressions of Holiday Inn desk
48020 clerks. Since this means him standing motionless for enormous periods
48021 of time he is often eaten in full display by The Great Bald Swamp
48023 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
48025 The great merit of society is to make one appreciate solitude.
48026 -- Charles Chincholles, "Reflections on the Art of Life"
48028 The Great Movie Posters:
48030 *A Giggle Gurgling Gulp of Glee*
48031 With Pretty Girls, Peppy Scenes, and Gorgeous Revues -- plus a good story.
48032 -- Tea with a Kick (1924)
48034 Whoopie! Let's go!... Hand-picked Beauties doing cute tricks!
48035 GET IN THE KNOW FOR THE HEY-HEY WHOOPIE!
48036 -- The Wild Party (1929)
48038 YOU HEAR HIM MAKE LOVE!
48039 DIX -- the dashing soldier!
48040 DIX -- the bold adventurer!
48041 DIX -- the throbbing lover!
48042 -- The Wheel of Life (1929)
48044 SEE CHARLES BUTTERWORTH DRIVE A STREETCAR AND SING LOVE
48045 SONGS TO HIS MARE "MITZIE"!
48046 -- The Night is Young (1934)
48048 The Great Movie Posters:
48050 A mis-spawned murderous abomination from the nether reaches of an
48052 -- The Killer of Castle Brood (1967)
48054 NEW -- SICKENING HORROR to make your STOMACH TURN and FLESH CRAWL!
48055 -- Frankenstein's Bloody Terror (1968)
48057 LUST-MAD MEN AND LAWLESS WOMEN IN A VICIOUS AND SENSUOUS ORGY OF
48059 -- Five Bloody Graves (1969)
48061 The family that slays together stays together.
48062 -- Bloody Mama (1970)
48064 The Great Movie Posters:
48066 An AVALANCHE of KILLER WORMS!
48069 Most Movies Live Less Than Two Hours.
48070 This Is One of Everlasting Torment!
48071 -- The New House on the Left (1977)
48073 WE ARE GOING TO EAT YOU!
48076 It's not human and it's got an axe.
48079 The Great Movie Posters:
48081 Different! Daring! Dynamic! Defying! Dumbfounding!
48082 SEE Uncle Tom lead the Negroes to FREEDOM!
48083 ... Now, all the SENSUAL and VIOLENT passions Roots couldn't show on TV!
48084 -- Uncle Tom's Cabin (1972)
48086 An appalling amalgam of carnage and carnality!
48087 -- Flesh and Blood Show (1973)
48089 WHEN THE CATS ARE HUNGRY...
48090 RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!
48091 Alone, only a harmless pet...
48092 One Thousand Strong, They Become a Man-Eating Machine!
48093 -- The Night of a Thousand Cats (1972)
48095 They're Over-Exposed
48096 But Not Under-Developed!
48097 -- Cover Girl Models (1976)
48099 The Great Movie Posters:
48101 HOODLUMS FROM ANOTHER WORLD ON A RAY-GUN RAMPAGE!
48102 -- Teenagers from Outher Space (1959)
48104 Which will be Her Mate... MAN OR BEAST?
48105 Meet Velda -- the Kind of Woman -- Man or Gorilla would kill... to Keep.
48106 -- Untamed Mistress (1960)
48108 NOW AN ALL-MIGHTY ALL-NEW MOTION PICTURE BRINGS THEM TOGETHER FOR THE
48109 FIRST TIME... HISTORY'S MOST GIGANTIC MONSTERS IN COMBAT ATOP MOUNT FUJI!
48110 -- King Kong vs. Godzilla (1963)
48112 The Great Movie Posters:
48114 HOT STEEL BETWEEN THEIR LEGS!
48115 -- The Cycle Savages (1969)
48117 The Hand that Rocks the Cradle... Has no Flesh on It!
48119 -- Who Slew Auntie Roo? (1971)
48121 TWO GREAT BLOOD HORRORS TO RIP OUT YOUR GUTS!
48122 -- I Eat Your Skin & I Drink Your Blood (1971 double-bill)
48124 They Went In People and Came Out Hamburger!
48125 -- The Corpse Grinders (1971)
48127 The Great Movie Posters:
48129 KATHERINE HEPBURN as the lying, stealing, singing, preying witch girl
48130 of the Ozarks... "Low down white trash"? Maybe so -- but let her hear
48131 you say it and she'll break your head to prove herself a lady!
48134 Do Native Women Live With Apes?
48135 -- Love Life of a Gorilla (1937)
48138 When she looked into his eyes, felt his arms around her -- she
48139 was no longer Tura, mysterious white goddess of the jungle tribes --
48140 she was no longer the frozen-hearted high priestess under whose hypnotic
48141 spell the worshippers of the great crocodile god meekly bowed -- she
48142 was a girl in love!
48143 SEE the ravening charge of the hundred scared CROCODILES!
48144 -- Her Jungle Love (1938)
48146 LOVE! HATE! JOY! FEAR! TORMENT! PANIC! SHAME! RAGE!
48147 -- Intermezzo (1939)
48149 The Great Movie Posters:
48151 POWERFUL! SHOCKING! RAW! ROUGH! CHALLENGING! SEE A LITTLE GIRL MOLESTED!
48152 -- Never Take Candy from a Stranger (1963)
48154 She Sins in Mobile --
48155 Marries in Houston --
48156 Loses Her Baby in Dallas --
48157 Leaves Her Husband in Tucson --
48158 MEETS HARRU IN SAN DIEGO!...
48161 NOW -- McCLANAHAN!!!
48162 -- The Rotton Apple (1963), Rue McClanahan
48164 *NOT FOR SISSIES! DON'T COME IF YOU'RE CHICKEN!
48165 A Horrifying Movie of Weird Beauties and Shocking Monsters...
48166 1001 WEIRDEST SCENES EVER!! MOST SHOCKING THRILLER OF THE CENTURY!
48167 -- Teenage Psycho meets Bloody Mary (1964) (Alternate Title:
48168 The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and
48169 Became Mixed Up Zombies)
48171 The Great Movie Posters:
48173 SCENES THAT WILL STAGGER YOUR SIGHT!
48174 -- DANCING CALLED GO-GO
48175 -- MUSIC CALLED JU-JU
48176 -- NARCOTICS CALLED BANGI!
48177 -- FIRES OF PUBERTY!
48178 SEE the burning of a virgin!
48179 SEE power of witch doctor over women!
48180 SEE pygmies with fantastic Physical Endowments!!!
48183 The Big Comedy of Nineteen-Sexty-Sex!
48184 -- Boeing-Boeing (1965)
48186 AN ASTRONAUT WENT UP-
48187 A "GUESS WHAT" CAME DOWN!
48188 The picture that comes complete with a 10-foot tall monster to
48189 give you the wim-wams!
48190 -- Monster a Go-Go (1965)
48192 The Great Movie Posters:
48194 SEE rebel guerrillas torn apart by trucks!
48195 SEE corpses cut to pieces and fed to dogs and vultures!
48196 SEE the monkey trained to perform nursing duties for her paralyzed owner!
48197 -- Sweet and Savage (1983)
48199 What a Guy! What a Gal! What a Pair!
48200 -- Stroker Ace (1983)
48202 It's always better when you come again!
48203 -- Porky's II: The Next Day (1983)
48205 You Don't Have to Go to Texas for a Chainsaw Massacre!
48208 The Great Movie Posters:
48210 SHE TOOK ON A WHOLE GANG! A howling hellcat humping a hot steel hog
48211 on a roaring rampage of revenge!
48212 -- Bury Me an Angel (1972)
48214 WHAT'S THE SECRET INGREDIENT USED BY THE MAD BUTCHER FOR HIS SUPERB
48216 -- Meat is Meat (1972)
48219 TOMORROW the World!
48222 The Great Movie Posters:
48224 She's got the biggest six-shooters in the West!
48225 -- The Beautiful Blonde from Bashful Bend (1949)
48232 1 YEAR TO MAKE THIS FILM --
48233 24 YEARS TO REHEARSE --
48234 20 YEARS TO DISTRIBUTE!
48235 BEAUTIFUL BEYOND WORDS!
48236 AWE-INSPIRING! VITAL!
48237 THE PRINCE OF PEACE PROVIDES THE ANSWER TO EVERY PROBLEM!
48238 Be Brave-bring your troubles and your family to:
48239 HISTORY'S MOST SUBLIME EVENT! YOU'LL FIND GOD RIGHT IN THERE!
48240 -- The Prince of Peace (1948). Starring members of the
48241 Wichita Mountain Pageant featuring Millard Coody as Jesus.
48243 The Great Movie Posters:
48245 The Miracle of the Age!!! A LION in your lap! A LOVER in your arms!
48246 -- Bwana Devil (1952)
48248 OVERWHELMING! ELECTRIFYING! BAFFLING!
48249 Fire Can't Burn Them! Bullets Can't Kill Them! See the Unfolding of
48250 the Mysteries of the Moon as Murderous Robot Monsters Descend Upon the
48251 Earth! You've Never Seen Anything Like It! Neither Has the World!
48252 SEE... Robots from Space in All Their Glory!!!
48253 -- Robot Monster (1953)
48255 1,965 pyramids, 5,337 dancing girls, one million swaying bullrushes,
48257 -- The Egyptian (1954)
48259 The Great Movie Posters:
48261 The nightmare terror of the slithering eye that unleashed agonizing
48262 horror on a screaming world!
48263 -- The Crawling Eye (1958)
48265 SEE a female colossus... her mountainous torso, skyscraper limbs,
48267 -- Attack of the Fifty-Foot Woman (1958)
48269 Here Is Your Chance To Know More About Sex.
48270 What Should a Movie Do? Hide It's Head in the Sand Like an Ostrich?
48271 Or Face the JOLTING TRUTH as does...
48272 -- The Desperate Women (1958)
48274 The Great Movie Posters:
48276 They hungered for her treasure! And died for her pleasure!
48277 SEE Man-Fish Battle Shark-Man-Killer!
48278 -- The Golden Mistress (1954)
48280 See Jane Russell in 3-D; She'll Knock Both Your Eyes Out!
48281 -- The French Line (1954)
48283 See Jane Russell Shake Her Tambourines... and Drive Cornel WILDE!
48284 -- Hot Blood (1956)
48286 The Great Movie Posters:
48288 When You're Six Tons -- And They Call You Killer -- It's Hard To Make
48290 -- Namu, the Killer Whale (1966)
48292 Meet the Girls with the Thermo-Nuclear Navels!
48293 -- Dr. Goldfoot and the Girl Bombs (1966)
48295 A GHASTLY TALE DRENCHED WITH GOUTS OF BLOOD SPURTING FROM THE VICTIMS
48296 OF A CRAZED MADMAN'S LUST.
48297 -- A Taste of Blood (1967)
48299 The great nations have always acted like gangsters and the small nations
48303 The great question that has never been answered and which I have not
48304 yet been able to answer despite my thirty years of research into the
48305 feminine soul is: WHAT DOES A WOMAN WANT?
48308 The great secret in life ... [is] not to open your letters for a fortnight.
48309 At the expiration of that period you will find that nearly all of them have
48310 answered themselves.
48313 The greatest dangers to liberty lurk in insidious encroachment by men
48314 of zeal, well-meaning but without understanding.
48315 -- Justice Louis D. Brandeis
48317 The greatest disloyalty one can offer to great pioneers
48318 is to refuse to move an inch from where they stood.
48320 The greatest griefs are those we cause ourselves.
48323 The greatest joy a man can know is to conquer his enemies and drive them
48324 before him. To ride their horses and take away their possessions. To see
48325 the faces of those who were dear to them bedewed with tears, and to clasp
48326 their wives and daughters to his arms.
48329 The greatest love is a mother's, then a dog's, then a sweetheart's.
48332 The Greatest Mathematical Error
48333 The Mariner I space probe was launched from Cape Canaveral on 28
48334 July 1962 towards Venus. After 13 minutes' flight a booster engine would
48335 give acceleration up to 25,820 mph; after 44 minutes 9,800 solar cells
48336 would unfold; after 80 days a computer would calculate the final course
48337 corrections and after 100 days the craft would circle the unknown planet,
48338 scanning the mysterious cloud in which it is bathed.
48339 However, with an efficiency that is truly heartening, Mariner I
48340 plunged into the Atlantic Ocean only four minutes after takeoff.
48341 Inquiries later revealed that a minus sign had been omitted from
48342 the instructions fed into the computer. "It was human error", a launch
48344 This minus sign cost L4,280,000.
48345 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
48347 The greatest of faults is to be conscious of none.
48349 The greatest productive force is human selfishness.
48350 -- Robert A. Heinlein
48352 The greatest remedy for anger is delay.
48354 The groundhog is like most other prophets;
48355 it delivers its message and then disappears.
48357 The happiest time in any man's life is just after the first divorce.
48360 The happiest time of a person's life is after his first divorce.
48363 The hardest part of climbing the ladder of
48364 success is getting through the crowd at the bottom.
48366 The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax.
48369 The hardest thing is to disguise your feelings when
48370 you put a lot of relatives on the train for home.
48372 The hater of property and of government takes care to have his warranty
48373 deed recorded, and the book written against fame and learning has the
48374 author's name on the title page.
48375 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson, Journals, 1831
48377 The hatred of relatives is the most violent.
48378 -- Tacitus (c.55 - c.117)
48380 The health of a democratic society may be measured by the quality
48381 of functions performed by private citizens.
48382 -- Alexis de Tocqueville
48384 The hearing ear is always found close to the speaking tongue, a custom
48385 whereof the memory of man runneth not howsomever to the contrary, nohow.
48387 The heart has its reasons which reason knows nothing of.
48390 The heart is wiser than the intellect.
48392 ...the heat come 'round and busted me for smiling on a cloudy day.
48394 The heaviest object in the world is the
48395 body of the woman you have ceased to love.
48396 -- Marquis de Lac de Clapiers Vauvenargues
48398 The Heineken Uncertainty Principle:
48399 You can never be sure how many beers you had last night.
48401 "The hell with the prime directive! Let's kill something!"
48403 The help people need most urgently is
48404 help in admitting that they need help.
48406 The herd instinct among economists makes sheep look like independent
48409 The heroic hours of life do not announce their presence by drum and trumpet,
48410 challenging us to be true to ourselves by appeals to the martial spirit that
48411 keeps the blood at heat. Some little, unassuming, unobtrusive choice presents
48412 itself before us slyly and craftily, glib and insinuating, in the modest garb
48413 of innocence. To yield to its blandishments is so easy. The wrong, it seems,
48414 is venial... Then it is that you will be summoned to show the courage of
48416 -- Benjamin Cardozo
48418 The hieroglyphics are all unreadable except for a notation on the back,
48419 which reads "Genuine authentic Egyptian papyrus. Guaranteed to be at
48420 least 5000 years old."
48422 The higher you climb, the more you show your ass.
48423 -- Alexander Pope, "The Dunciad"
48425 The History of every major Galactic Civilization tends to pass through
48426 three distinct and recognizable phases, those of Survival, Inquiry, and
48427 Sophistication, otherwise known as the How, Why, and Where phases. For
48428 instance, the first phase is characterized by the question "How can we
48429 eat?" the second by "Why do we eat?" and the third by "Where shall we
48431 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
48433 The history of warfare is similarly subdivided, although here the phases
48434 are Retribution, Anticipation, and Diplomacy. Thus:
48437 I'm going to kill you because you killed my brother.
48439 I'm going to kill you because I killed your brother.
48441 I'm going to kill my brother and then kill you on the
48442 pretext that your brother did it.
48444 The Hollywood tradition I like best is called "sucking up to the stars."
48447 The honeymoon is not actually over until we cease
48448 to stifle our sighs and begin to stifle our yawns.
48451 The honeymoon is over when he phones to say he'll be late for supper and
48452 she's already left a note that it's in the refrigerator.
48455 The horror... the horror!
48457 The human animal differs from the lesser primates in his passion for
48458 lists of "Ten Best".
48461 The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment
48462 you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.
48463 -- Sir George Jessel
48465 "The human brain is like an enormous fish -- it is flat and slimy and
48466 has gills through which it can see."
48469 The human mind ordinarily operates at only ten percent of its
48470 capacity -- the rest is overhead for the operating system.
48472 The human mind treats a new idea the way the body treats a strange
48473 protein -- it rejects it.
48476 The human race has been fascinated by sharks for as long as I can
48477 remember. Just like the bluebird feeding its young, or the spider
48478 struggling to weave its perfect web, or the buttercup blooming in
48479 spring, the shark reveals to us yet another of the infinite and
48480 wonderful facets of nature, namely the facet that it can bite your head
48481 off. This causes us humans to feel a certain degree of awe.
48482 -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV"
48484 The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter.
48487 The human race is a race of cowards; and I am not only marching in that
48488 procession but carrying a banner.
48491 The human race never solves any of its problems. It merely outlives them.
48494 The husband who doesn't tell his wife everything probably reasons
48495 that what she doesn't know won't hurt him.
48498 The IBM 2250 is impressive ...
48499 if you compare it with a system selling for a tenth its price.
48502 The IBM purchase of ROLM gives new meaning to the term "twisted pair".
48503 -- Howard Anderson, "Yankee Group"
48505 The idea is to die young as late as possible.
48508 The idea that an arbitrary naive human should be able to properly use a given
48509 tool without training or understanding is even more wrong for computing than
48510 it is for other tools (e.g. automobiles, airplanes, guns, power saws).
48513 The idea there was that consumers would bring their broken electronic
48514 devices, such as television sets and VCR's, to the destruction centers,
48515 where trained personnel would whack them (the devices) with
48516 sledgehammers. With their devices thus permanently destroyed,
48517 consumers would then be free to go out and buy new devices, rather than
48518 have to fritter away years of their lives trying to have the old ones
48519 repaired at so-called "factory service centers," which in fact consist
48520 of two men named Lester poking at the insides of broken electronic
48521 devices with cheap cigars and going, "Lookit all them WIRES in there!"
48522 -- Dave Barry, "'Mister Mediocre' Restaurants"
48524 The ideal voice for radio may be defined as showing no substance,
48525 no sex, no owner, and a message of importance for every housewife.
48528 The ideas of economists and political philosophers, both when they
48529 are right and when they are wrong, are more powerful than is generally
48530 understood. Indeed, the world is ruled by little else.
48531 -- John Maynard Keynes
48533 "The identical is equal to itself, since it is different."
48536 The idle man does not know what it is to enjoy rest.
48538 The idle mind knows not what it is it wants.
48541 "The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a bit
48545 The Illiterati Programus Canto 1:
48546 A program is a lot like a nose:
48547 Sometimes it runs, and sometimes it blows.
48549 The important thing is not to stop questioning.
48551 The important thing to remember about walking on eggs is not to hop.
48553 The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf
48554 has. Even when you make a tax form out on the level, you don't know
48555 when it's through if you are a crook or a martyr.
48558 The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than
48560 -- The Best of Will Rogers
48562 The individual choice of garnishment of a burger can be an important
48563 point to the consumer in this day when individualism is an increasingly
48564 important thing to people.
48565 -- Donald N. Smith, president of Burger King
48567 The infliction of cruelty with a good conscience is
48568 a delight to moralists. That is why they invented hell.
48569 -- Bertrand Russell
48571 The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of blessings;
48572 the inherent virtue of socialism is the equal sharing of misery.
48573 -- Winston Churchill
48575 The instruments of science do not in themselves discover truth. And
48576 there are searchings that are not concluded by the coincidence of a
48577 pointer and a mark.
48578 -- Fred Saberhagen, "The Berserker Wars"
48580 The intelligence of any discussion diminishes with the square of the
48581 number of participants.
48584 The introduction of a new kind of music must be shunned as imperiling
48585 the whole state, for styles of music are never disturbed without
48586 affecting the most important political institutions. ... The new
48587 style, gradually gaining a lodgement, quietly insinuates itself into
48588 manners and customs, and from it ... goes on to attack laws and
48589 constitutions, displaying the utmost impudence, until it ends by
48590 overturning everything.
48591 -- Plato, "Republic", 370 B.C.
48593 The IQ of the group is the lowest IQ of a member of the group divided
48594 by the number of people in the group.
48596 The IRS spends God knows how much of your tax money on these toll-free
48597 information hot lines staffed by IRS employees, whose idea of a
48598 dynamite tax tip is that you should print neatly. If you ask them a
48599 real tax question, such as how you can cheat, they're useless.
48601 So, for guidance, you want to look to big business. Big business never
48602 pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big
48603 consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes...
48604 -- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes"
48606 The Israelis are the Doberman pinschers of the Middle East. They
48607 treat the Arabs like postmen.
48610 The Israelites were all waiting anxiously at the foot of the mountain,
48611 knowing that Moses had had a tough day negotiating with God over the
48612 Commandments. Finally a tired Moses came into sight.
48613 "I've got some good news and some bad news, folks," he said. "The
48614 good news is that I got Him down to ten. The bad news is that adultery's
48617 "The jig's up, Elman."
48621 The Junior God now heads the roll
48622 In the list of heaven's peers;
48623 He sits in the House of High Control,
48624 And he regulates the spheres.
48625 Yet does he wonder, do you suppose,
48626 If, even in gods divine,
48627 The best and wisest may not be those
48628 Who have wallowed awhile with the swine?
48631 The justifications for drug testing are part of the presently fashionable
48632 debate concerning restoring America's "competitiveness." Drugs, it has been
48633 revealed, are responsible for rampant absenteeism, reduced output, and poor
48634 quality work. But is drug testing in fact rationally related to the
48635 resurrection of competitiveness? Will charging the atmosphere of the
48636 workplace with the fear of excretory betrayal honestly spur productivity?
48637 Much noise has been made about rehabilitating the worker using drugs, but
48638 to date the vast majority of programs end with the simple firing or the not
48639 hiring of the abuser. This practice may exacerbate, not alleviate, the
48640 nation's productivity problem. If economic rehabilitation is the ultimate
48641 goal of drug testing, then criteria abandoning the rehabilitation of the
48642 drug-using worker is the purest of hypocrisy and the worst of rationalization.
48643 -- The concluding paragraph of "Constitutional Law: The
48644 Fourth Amendment and Drug Testing in the Workplace,"
48645 Tim Moore, Harvard Journal of Law & Public Policy, vol.
48646 10, No. 3 (Summer 1987), pp. 762-768.
48648 The Kennedy Constant:
48649 Don't get mad -- get even.
48651 The key elements in human thinking are not numbers but labels of fuzzy sets.
48654 The key to building a superstar is to keep their mouth shut. To reveal
48655 an artist to the people can be to destroy him. It isn't to anyone's
48656 advantage to see the truth.
48657 -- Bob Ezrin, rock music producer
48659 The Killer Ducks are coming!!!
48661 The kind of danger people most enjoy is
48662 the kind they can watch from a safe place.
48664 The King and his advisor are overlooking the battle field:
48666 King: "How goes the battle plan?"
48667 Advisor: "See those little black specks running to the right?"
48669 A: "Those are their guys. And all those little red specks running
48670 to the left are our guys. Then when they collide we wait till
48673 A: "If there are more red specks left than black specks, we win."
48674 K: "But what about the
48675 ^#!!$% battle plan?"
48676 A: "So far, it seems to be going according to specks."
48678 The knowledge that makes us cherish
48679 innocence makes innocence unattainable.
48682 The Kosher Dill was invented in 1723 by Joe Kosher and Sam Dill. It is
48683 the single most popular pickle variety today, enjoyed throughout the free
48684 world by man, woman and child alike. An astounding 350 billion kosher
48685 dills are eaten each year, averaging out to almost 1/4 pickle per person
48686 per day. New York Times food critic Mimi Sheraton says "The kosher dill
48687 really changed my life. I used to enjoy eating McDonald's hamburgers and
48688 drinking Iron City Lite, and then I encountered the kosher dill pickle.
48689 I realized that there was far more to haute cuisine then I'd ever imagined.
48690 And now, just look at me."
48692 The ladies men admire, I've heard,
48693 Would shudder at a wicked word.
48694 Their candle gives a single light;
48695 They'd rather stay at home at night.
48696 They do not keep awake till three,
48697 Nor read erotic poetry.
48698 They never sanction the impure,
48699 Nor recognize an overture.
48700 They shrink from powders and from paints ...
48701 So far, I've had no complaints.
48704 The language of politics is poetry, not prose. Jackson is poetry.
48705 Cuomo is poetry. Dukakis is a word processor.
48706 -- Richard Nixon, on Meet the Press, April, 1988
48708 The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for
48709 everything that goes wrong -- until the next person quits or is fired.
48711 The last person that quit or was fired will be the held responsible
48712 for everything that goes wrong -- until the next person quits or is
48715 The last person who said that (God rest his soul) lived to regret it.
48717 The last thing one knows in constructing a work is what to put first.
48720 The last time I saw him he was walking down Lover's Lane holding his own
48724 The last time somebody said, "I find I can write much better with a
48725 word processor," I replied, "They used to say the same thing about
48729 The last vestiges of the old Republic have been swept away.
48732 The Law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich, as well as the
48733 poor, to sleep under the bridges, to beg in the streets, and to steal
48737 The Law of Probable Dispersal:
48738 That which hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
48740 The Law of the Letter:
48741 The best way to inspire fresh thoughts is to seal the envelope.
48743 The Law of the Perversity of Nature:
48744 You cannot determine beforehand which side of the bread to butter.
48746 The law will never make men free; it is men who have got to make the
48748 -- Henry David Thoreau
48750 "The lawgiver, of all beings, most owes the law allegiance. He of all
48751 men should behave as though the law compelled him. But it is the
48752 universal weakness of mankind that what we are given to administer we
48753 presently imagine we own."
48756 The Least Perceptive Literary Critic
48757 The most important critic in our field of study is Lord Halifax. A
48758 most individual judge of poetry, he once invited Alexander Pope round to
48759 give a public reading of his latest poem.
48760 Pope, the leading poet of his day, was greatly surprised when Lord
48761 Halifax stopped him four or five times and said, "I beg your pardon, Mr.
48762 Pope, but there is something in that passage that does not quite please me."
48763 Pope was rendered speechless, as this fine critic suggested sizeable
48764 and unwise emendations to his latest masterpiece. "Be so good as to mark
48765 the place and consider at your leisure. I'm sure you can give it a better
48767 After the reading, a good friend of Lord Halifax, a certain Dr.
48768 Garth, took the stunned Pope to one side. "There is no need to touch the
48769 lines," he said. "All you need do is leave them just as they are, call on
48770 Lord Halifax two or three months hence, thank him for his kind observation
48771 on those passages, and then read them to him as altered. I have known him
48772 much longer than you have, and will be answerable for the event."
48773 Pope took his advice, called on Lord Hallifax and read the poem
48774 exactly as it was before. His unique critical faculties had lost none of
48775 their edge. "Ay", he commented, "now they are perfectly right. Nothing can
48777 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
48779 The Least Successful Animal Rescue
48780 The firemen's strike of 1978 made possible one of the great animal
48781 rescue attempts of all time. Valiantly, the British Army had taken over
48782 emergency firefighting and on 14 January they were called out by an elderly
48783 lady in South London to retrieve her cat which had become trapped up a
48784 tree. They arrived with impressive haste and soon discharged their duty.
48785 So grateful was the lady that she invited them all in for tea. Driving off
48786 later, with fond farewells completed, they ran over the cat and killed it.
48787 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
48789 The Least Successful Collector
48790 Betsy Baker played a central role in the history of collecting. She
48791 was employed as a servant in the house of John Warburton (1682-1759) who had
48792 amassed a fine collection of 58 first edition plays, including most of the
48793 works of Shakespeare.
48794 One day Warburton returned home to find 55 of them charred beyond
48795 legibility. Betsy had either burned them or used them as pie bottoms. The
48796 remaining three folios are now in the British Museum.
48797 The only comparable literary figure was the maid who in 1835 burned
48798 the manuscript of the first volume of Thomas Carlyle's "The History of the
48799 French Revolution", thinking it was wastepaper.
48800 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
48802 The Least Successful Defrosting Device
48803 The all-time record here is held by Mr. Peter Rowlands of Lancaster
48804 whose lips became frozen to his lock in 1979 while blowing warm air on it.
48805 "I got down on my knees to breathe into the lock. Somehow my lips
48807 While he was in the posture, an old lady passed an inquired if he
48808 was all right. "Alra? Igmmlptk", he replied at which point she ran away.
48809 "I tried to tell her what had happened, but it came out sort of...
48810 muffled," explained Mr. Rowlands, a pottery designer.
48811 He was trapped for twenty minutes ("I felt a bit foolish") until
48812 constant hot breathing brought freedom. He was subsequently nicknamed "Hot
48814 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
48816 The Least Successful Equal Pay Advertisement
48817 In 1976 the European Economic Community pointed out to the Irish
48818 Government that it had not yet implemented the agreed sex equality
48819 legislation. The Dublin Government immediately advertised for an equal pay
48820 enforcement officer. The advertisement offered different salary scales for
48822 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
48824 The Least Successful Executions
48825 History has furnished us with two executioners worthy of attention.
48826 The first performed in Sydney in Australia. In 1803 three attempts were
48827 made to hang a Mr. Joseph Samuels. On the first two of these the rope
48828 snapped, while on the third Mr. Samuels just hung there peacefully until he
48829 and everyone else got bored. Since he had proved unsusceptible to capital
48830 punishment, he was reprieved.
48831 The most important British executioner was Mr. James Berry who
48832 tried three times in 1885 to hang Mr. John Lee at Exeter Jail, but on each
48833 occasion failed to get the trap door open.
48834 In recognition of this achievement, the Home Secretary commuted
48835 Lee's sentence to "life" imprisonment. He was released in 1917, emigrated
48836 to America and lived until 1933.
48837 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
48839 The Least Successful Police Dogs
48840 America has a very strong candidate in "La Dur", a fearsome looking
48841 schnauzer hound, who was retired from the Orlando police force in Florida
48842 in 1978. He consistently refused to do anything which might ruffle or
48843 offend the criminal classes.
48844 His handling officer, Rick Grim, had to admit: "He just won't go up
48845 and bite them. I got sick and tired of doing that dog's work for him."
48846 The British contenders in this category, however, took things a
48847 stage further. "Laddie" and "Boy" were trained as detector dogs for drug
48848 raids. Their employment was terminated following a raid in the Midlands in
48850 While the investigating officer questioned two suspects, they
48851 patted and stroked the dogs who eventually fell asleep in front of the
48852 fire. When the officer moved to arrest the suspects, one dog growled at
48853 him while the other leapt up and bit his thigh.
48854 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
48856 The less a statesman amounts to, the more he loves the flag.
48859 The less time planning, the more time programming.
48861 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #14 -- VALGOL
48863 VALGOL is enjoying a dramatic surge of popularity across the
48864 industry. VALGOL commands include REALLY, LIKE, WELL, and Y*KNOW.
48865 Variables are assigned with the =LIKE and =TOTALLY operators. Other
48866 operators include the "California booleans", AX and NOWAY. Loops are
48867 accomplished with the FOR SURE construct. A simple example:
48869 LIKE, Y*KNOW(I MEAN)START
48870 IF PIZZA =LIKE BITCHEN AND
48871 GUY =LIKE TUBULAR AND
48872 VALLEY GIRL =LIKE GRODY**MAX(FERSURE)**2
48874 FOR I =LIKE 1 TO OH*MAYBE 100
48875 DO*WAH - (DITTY**2); BARF(I)=TOTALLY GROSS(OUT)
48877 LIKE, BAG THIS PROGRAM; REALLY; LIKE TOTALLY(Y*KNOW); IM*SURE
48880 VALGOL is also characterized by its unfriendly error messages. For
48881 example, when the user makes a syntax error, the interpreter displays the
48882 message GAG ME WITH A SPOON! A successful compile may be termed MAXIMALLY
48885 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #17 -- DOGO
48887 Developed at the Massachusetts Institute of Obedience Training, DOGO
48888 DOGO heralds a new era of computer-literate pets. DOGO commands include
48889 SIT, STAY, HEEL, and ROLL OVER. An innovative feature of DOGO is "puppy
48890 graphics", a small cocker spaniel that occasionally leaves a deposit as
48891 it travels across the screen.
48893 The liberals can understand everything but people who don't understand them.
48896 The life which is unexamined is not worth living.
48899 The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlight of an approaching
48902 The light at the end of the tunnel may be an oncoming dragon.
48904 The light of a hundred stars does not equal the light of the moon.
48906 The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get
48910 The little girl expects no declaration of tenderness from her doll.
48911 She loves it -- and that's all. It is thus that we should love.
48914 The little pieces of my life I give to you,
48915 with love, to make a quilt to keep away the cold.
48917 The little town that time forgot,
48918 Where all the women are strong,
48919 The men are good-looking,
48920 And the children above-average.
48921 -- Prairie Home Companion
48923 The local minister noticed a little girl standing outside of his
48924 door with a basket of kittens.
48925 "Hello, little girl, what do you have there?"
48926 "These are my Democratic kittens," she replied.
48927 Amused, the pastor said nothing. Two weeks later he saw the same little
48928 girl with (apparently) the same basket of kittens.
48929 "My, I see you still have your Democratic kittens.", he said.
48930 "No, you see, these are Republican kittens," she answered.
48931 "Two weeks ago they were Democratic kittens," he replied, puzzled.
48932 "Two weeks ago they had their eyes closed."
48934 The `loner' may be respected, but he is always resented by his colleagues,
48935 for he seems to be passing a critical judgment on them, when he may be
48936 simply making a limiting statement about himself.
48939 The longer I am out of office, the more infallible I appear to myself.
48942 The longer the title, the less important the job.
48944 The longest part of the journey is said to be the passing of the gate.
48945 -- Marcus Terentius Varro
48947 "The Lord gave us farmers two strong hands so we could grab as much as
48948 we could with both of them."
48949 -- Joseph Heller, "Catch-22"
48951 The Lord gave us farmers two strong hands so we
48952 could grab as much as we could with both of them.
48953 -- Major Major's father
48955 The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away.
48956 Indian Giver be the name of the Lord.
48958 The Lord prefers common-looking people. That is the reason that He makes
48962 The louder he talked of his honour, the faster we counted our spoons.
48963 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
48965 The lovely woman-child Kaa was mercilessly chained to the cruel post of
48966 the warrior-chief Beast, with his barbarian tribe now stacking wood at
48967 her nubile feet, when the strong clear voice of the poetic and heroic
48968 Handsomas roared, "Flick your Bic, crisp that chick, and you'll feel my
48969 steel through your last meal!"
48970 -- Winning sentence, 1984 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest
48972 The luck that is ordained for you will be coveted by others.
48974 The lunatic, the lover, and the poet,
48975 Are of imagination all compact...
48976 -- William Shakespeare, "A Midsummer Night's Dream"
48978 The Macintosh is Xerox technology at its best.
48980 The magic of our first love is our ignorance that it can ever end.
48981 -- Benjamin Disraeli
48983 The main problem I have with cats is, they're not dogs.
48986 The major advances in civilization are processes
48987 that all but wreck the societies in which they occur.
48990 The major difference between bonds and bond traders is that the
48991 bonds will eventually mature.
48993 The major sin is the sin of being born.
48996 The majority of husbands remind me of an orangutang trying to play
48998 -- Honore de Balzac
49000 The majority of the stupid is invincible and guaranteed for all time.
49001 The terror of their tyranny, however, is alleviated by their lack of
49005 The makers may make
49006 and the users may use,
49007 but the fixers must fix
49008 with but minimal clues
49010 The man she had was kind and clean
49011 And well enough for every day,
49012 But oh, dear friends, you should have seen
49013 The one that got away.
49014 -- Dorothy Parker, "The Fisherwoman"
49016 The Man Who Almost Invented The Vacuum Cleaner
49017 The man officially credited with inventing the vacuum cleaner is
49018 Hubert Cecil Booth. However, he got the idea from a man who almost
49020 In 1901 Booth visited a London music-hall. On the bill was an
49021 American inventor with his wonder machine for removing dust from carpets.
49022 The machine comprised a box about one foot square with a bag on top.
49023 After watching the act -- which made everyone in the front six rows sneeze
49024 -- Booth went round to the inventor's dressing room.
49025 "It should suck not blow," said Booth, coming straight to the
49026 point. "Suck?", exclaimed the enraged inventor. "Your machine just moves
49027 the dust around the room," Booth informed him. "Suck? Suck? Sucking is
49028 not possible," was the inventor's reply and he stormed out. Booth proved
49029 that it was by the simple expedient of kneeling down, pursing his lips and
49030 sucking the back of an armchair. "I almost choked," he said afterwards.
49031 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
49033 The man who follows the crowd will usually get no further than the
49034 crowd. The man who walks alone is likely to find himself in places no
49036 -- Alan Ashley-Pitt
49038 The man who has never been flogged has never been taught.
49041 The man who laughs has not yet been told the terrible news.
49044 The man who raises a fist has run out of ideas.
49045 -- H. G. Wells, "Time After Time"
49047 The man who runs may fight again.
49050 The man who sees, on New Year's day, Mount
49051 Fuji, a hawk, and an eggplant is forever blessed.
49052 -- Old Japanese proverb
49054 The man who sets out to carry a cat by its tail learns something that
49055 will always be useful and which never will grow dim or doubtful.
49058 The man who understands one woman is
49059 qualified to understand pretty well everything.
49062 The man with the best job in the country is the Vice President. All he has
49063 to do is get up every morning and say, "How's the President?"
49066 The vice-presidency ain't worth a pitcher of warm spit.
49067 -- Vice President John Nance Garner
49070 The few, the proud, the dead on the beach.
49073 The few, the proud, the not very bright.
49075 The mark of a good party is that you wake up the next morning
49076 wanting to change your name and start a new life in different city.
49077 -- Vance Bourjaily, "Esquire"
49079 The mark of the immature man is that he wants to die nobly for a cause,
49080 while the mark of a mature man is that he wants to live humbly for one.
49083 The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice
49084 and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the
49085 master calls a butterfly.
49086 -- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul
49088 The marriage of Marxism and feminism has been like the marriage of
49089 husband and wife depicted in English common law: Marxism and feminism
49090 are one, and that one is marxism.
49092 "The Unhappy Marriage of Marxism and Feminism"
49094 The Martian Canals were clearly the Martian's last ditch effort!
49096 The marvels of today's modern technology include the development of a
49097 soda can, when discarded will last forever ... and a $7,000 car which
49098 when properly cared for will rust out in two or three years.
49100 The mate for beauty should be a man and not a money chest.
49103 The mature Bohemian is one whose woman works full time.
49105 The means-and-ends moralists, or non-doers,
49106 always end up on their ends without any means.
49109 The meat is rotten, but the booze is holding out.
49110 Computer translation of "The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak."
49112 The meek don't want it.
49114 The meek inherit the earth -- usually in small sections... about 6 by 3.
49116 The meek shall inherit the earth -- they are too weak to refuse.
49118 The meek shall inherit the earth; but by that
49119 time there won't be anything left worth inheriting.
49121 The meek shall inherit the earth, but *not* its mineral rights.
49124 The meek shall inherit the earth; the rest of us, the Universe.
49126 The meek shall inherit the earth; the rest of us will go to the stars.
49128 The meek shall inherit the Earth.
49129 (But they're gonna have to fight for it.)
49131 The meek will inherit the earth -- if that's OK with you.
49133 The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two
49134 chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed.
49137 [The members of the Chamberlain government] are decided only to be
49138 undecided, resolved to be irresolute, adamant for drift, all-powerful
49140 -- Winston Churchill
49142 The meta-Turing test counts a thing as intelligent if it seeks to
49143 devise and apply Turing tests to objects of its own creation.
49146 The minute a man is convinced that he is interesting, he isn't.
49148 The mirror sees the man as beautiful, the mirror loves the man; another
49149 mirror sees the man as frightful and hates him; and it is always the same
49150 being who produces the impressions.
49151 -- Marquis D. A. F. de Sade
49153 The misnaming of fields of study is so common as to lead to what might
49154 be general systems laws. For example, Frank Harary once suggested the
49155 law that any field that had the word "science" in its name was
49156 guaranteed thereby not to be a science. He would cite as examples
49157 Military Science, Library Science, Political Science, Homemaking
49158 Science, Social Science, and Computer Science. Discuss the generality
49159 of this law, and possible reasons for its predictive power.
49160 -- Gerald Weinberg, "An Introduction to General Systems
49163 The Modelski Chain Rule:
49164 1: Look intently at the problem for several minutes. Scratch your
49165 head at 20-30 second intervals. Try solving the problem on your
49167 2: Failing this, look around at the class. Select a particularly
49168 bright-looking individual.
49169 3: Procure a large chain.
49170 4: Walk over to the selected student and threaten to beat him severely
49171 with the chain unless he gives you the answer to the problem.
49172 Generally, he will. It may also be a good idea to give him a sound
49173 thrashing anyway, just to show you mean business.
49175 The modern child will answer you back before you've said anything.
49176 -- Laurence J. Peter
49178 "The molars, I'm sure, will be all right, the molars can take care of
49179 themselves," the old man said, no longer to me. "But what will become
49181 -- The Old Man and his Bridge
49183 The mome rath isn't born that could outgrabe me.
49184 -- Nicol Williamson
49186 The moon is a planet just like the Earth, only it is even deader.
49188 The moon is made of green cheese.
49191 The moon may be smaller than Earth, but it's further away.
49193 The Moral Majority is neither.
49195 The more complex the mind, the greater
49196 the need for the simplicity of play.
49197 -- Captain James T. Kirk, "Shore Leave"
49199 The more control, the more that requires control.
49201 The more cordial the buyers secretary, the greater
49202 the odds that the competition already has the order.
49204 The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
49206 The more data I punch in this card, the lighter it becomes, and the
49207 lower the mailing cost.
49208 -- S. Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
49210 "The more data I punch in this card, the lighter it becomes, and the
49211 lower the mailing cost."
49212 -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
49214 The more he talked of his honor the faster we counted our spoons.
49215 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
49217 The more I know men the more I like my horse.
49219 The more I see of men the more I admire dogs.
49220 -- Mme De Sevigne, 1626-1696
49222 The more I want to get something done, the less I call it work.
49223 -- Richard Bach, "Illusions"
49225 The more laws and order are made prominent,
49226 the more thieves and robbers there will be.
49229 The more pretentious a corporate name, the smaller the organization. (For
49230 instance, The Murphy Center for Codification of Human and Organizational Law,
49231 contrasted to IBM, GM, AT&T ...)
49233 The more the merrier.
49236 The more they over-think the plumbing
49237 the easier it is to stop up the drain.
49239 The more things change, the more they remain the same.
49242 The more things change, the more they stay insane.
49244 The more things change, the more they'll never be the same again.
49246 The more we disagree, the more chance there is that at least one of us
49249 The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
49251 The more you sweat in peace, the less you bleed in war.
49253 The Moscow Evening News advertised a contest for the best political joke.
49254 First prize was ten years in prison; second prize, five years; third prize,
49255 three years; and there were six honorable mentions of one year each.
49257 The mosquito exists to keep the mighty humble.
49259 The mosquito is the state bird of New Jersey.
49262 The moss on the tree does not fear the talons of the hawk.
49264 The most advantageous, pre-eminent thing thou canst do is not to
49265 exhibit nor display thyself within the limits of our galaxy, but
49266 rather depart instantaneously whence thou even now standest and
49267 flee to yet another rotten planet in the universe, if thou canst
49268 have the good fortune to find one.
49271 The most common given name in the world is Mohammad; the most common
49272 family name in the world is Chang. Can you imagine the enormous number
49273 of people in the world named Mohammad Chang?
49276 The most costly of all follies is to believe passionately
49277 in the palpably not true. It is the chief occupation of mankind.
49280 The most dangerous food is wedding cake.
49281 -- American proverb
49283 The most dangerous organization in America today is:
49286 b) The American Nazi Party
49287 c) The Delta Frequent Flyer Club
49289 The most delightful day after the one on which you buy a cottage in
49290 the country is the one on which you resell it.
49293 The most difficult thing about surviving AIDS
49294 is trying to convince your parents that you're Haitian.
49296 "The most difficult thing in the world is to know how to do a thing and
49297 to watch someone else do it wrong without comment."
49298 -- Theodore H. White
49300 The most difficult thing in the world is to know how to do a
49301 thing and to watch someone else doing it wrong, without commenting.
49304 The most difficult years of marriage are those following the wedding.
49306 The most disagreeable thing that your worst enemy says to your face does
49307 not approach what your best friends say behind your back.
49308 -- Alfred De Musset
49310 The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new
49311 discoveries, is not "Eureka!" (I found it!) but "That's funny ..."
49314 The most exquisite peak in culinary art is conquered when you do right by a
49315 ham, for a ham, in the very nature of the process it has undergone since last
49316 it walked on its own feet, combines in its flavor the tang of smoky autumnal
49317 woods, the maternal softness of earthy fields delivered of their crop children,
49318 the wineyness of a late sun, the intimate kiss of fertilizing rain, and the
49319 bite of fire. You must slice it thin, almost as thin as this page you hold
49320 in your hands. The making of a ham dinner, like the making of a gentleman,
49321 starts a long, long time before the event.
49322 -- W. B. Courtney, "Reflections of Maryland Country Ham",
49323 from "Congress Eate It Up"
49325 ...the most exquisitely squalid hells known to middle-class man:
49326 freshman English at a Midwestern university.
49329 The most happy marriage I can imagine to myself would be the union
49330 of a deaf man to a blind woman.
49331 -- Samuel T. Coleridge
49333 The most hopelessly stupid man is he who is not aware that he is wise.
49335 The most important early product on the way
49336 to developing a good product is an imperfect version.
49338 The most important service rendered by the press is that of educating
49339 people to approach printed matter with distrust.
49341 The most important thing in a relationship between a man and a woman
49342 is that one of them be good at taking orders.
49345 The most important things, each person must do for himself.
49347 The most popular labor-saving device today is still a husband with money.
49348 -- Joey Adams, "Cindy and I"
49350 The most recent attempt to revive the moribund campus left, a national
49351 conference held at Rutgers University February 5-7, ended when the
49352 participants decided that they were too racist to found a new national
49354 The stated goal of the conference was the formation of a national
49355 organization that would "give expression to a shared consciousness." The
49356 orientation materials declared that this was "a historic moment" -- you
49357 know, like Port Huron and the Sixties -- and the Rutgers host committee had
49358 every reason to expect their goal would be accomplished.
49359 But it was not to be. Given that this was a conference of *New*
49360 New Leftists, reason had nothing to do with it.
49361 A revealing article by Vania del Borgo and Maria Margaronis in "The
49362 Nation", ["Beyond the Fragments," 3/26/88] says "The defining moment of the
49363 weekend came when the conference was almost at its end. On Sunday morning,
49364 a twenty-five-member students of color caucus confronted the assembled body
49365 with its overwhelming whiteness..." Joined by the Gay & Bisexual Caucus, the
49366 Students of Color Caucus declared that the founding of such an overwhelmingly
49367 white organization would itself constitute a racist act. The four hundred or
49368 so leftist activists were told that they had no right to ratify a constitution
49369 or elect any officers. While recognizing "the need to examine the real
49370 possibilities of a broad-based, racially diverse student movement" and paying
49371 lip service to the need for "dialogue," they threatened to walk out if their
49372 demands were not met. As *The Nation* article describes the scene: "To their
49373 astonishment, their intervention was greeted with a standing ovation." Handed
49374 an ultimatum which demanded that they disband, this would-be successor to the
49375 radical student movements of the Sixties promptly voted itself out of
49376 existence. As del Borgo and Margaronis put it, "After much chaotic discussion
49377 and a confused voice vote, the convention suspended all its other work and
49378 broke into regional groups to discuss `outreach.'"
49379 -- Libertarian Agenda, May 1988
49381 The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she
49382 served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never
49386 The most serious doubt that has been thrown on the authenticity of the
49387 biblical miracles is the fact that most of the witnesses in regard to
49388 them were fishermen.
49391 The Most Unsuccessful Version Of The Bible
49392 The most exciting version of the Bible was printed in 1631 by Robert
49393 Barker and Martin Lucas, the King's printers at London. It contained
49394 several mistakes, but one was inspired -- the word "not" was omitted from
49395 the Seventh Commandment and enjoined its readers, on the highest authority,
49396 to commit adultery.
49397 Fearing the popularity with which this might be received in remote
49398 country districts, King Charles I called all 1,000 copies back in and fined
49399 the printers L3,000.
49400 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
49402 The most winning woman I ever knew was hanged for poisoning three little
49403 children for their insurance money.
49406 The moving cursor writes, and having written, blinks on.
49408 The Moving Finger writes; and, having writ,
49409 Moves on: nor all they Piety nor Wit
49410 Shall lure it back to cancel half a Line,
49411 Nor all thy Tears wash out a Word of it.
49413 The myth of romantic love holds that once you've fallen in love with the
49414 perfect partner, you're home free. Unfortunately, falling out of love
49415 seems to be just as involuntary as falling into it.
49417 The naked truth of it is, I have no shirt.
49418 -- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost"
49420 The nation that controls magnetism controls the universe.
49421 -- Chester Gould/Dick Tracy
49423 "The National Association of Theater Concessionaires reported that in
49424 1986, 60% of all candy sold in movie theaters was sold to Roger Ebert."
49427 The National Short-Sleeved Shirt Association says:
49428 Support your right to bare arms!
49430 The nearer to the church, the further from God.
49433 The net is like a vast sea of lutefisk with tiny dinosaur brains embedded
49434 in it here and there. Any given spoonful will likely have an IQ of 1, but
49435 occasional spoonfuls may have an IQ more than six times that!
49436 -- James "Kibo" Parry
49438 The net of law is spread so wide,
49439 No sinner from its sweep may hide.
49440 Its meshes are so fine and strong,
49441 They take in every child of wrong.
49442 O wondrous web of mystery!
49443 Big fish alone escape from thee!
49444 -- James Jeffrey Roche
49446 The new Congressmen say they're going to turn the government around. I
49447 hope I don't get run over again.
49449 The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10
49450 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.
49453 A javelin team that elects to receive.
49455 The New Testament offers the basis for modern computer coding theory,
49456 in the form of an affirmation of the binary number system.
49458 But let your communication be Yea, yea; nay, nay: for
49459 whatsoever is more than these cometh of evil.
49462 "The New York Times is read by the people who run the country. The
49463 Washington Post is read by the people who think they run the country.
49464 The National Enquirer is read by the people who think Elvis is alive
49465 and running the country ..."
49466 -- Robert J Woodhead
49468 The next person to mention spaghetti stacks
49469 to me is going to have his head knocked off.
49472 The next thing I say to you will be true.
49473 The last thing I said was false.
49475 The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people.
49476 -- Lucille S. Harper
49478 The nice thing about standards is that there are so many of them to
49480 -- Andrew S. Tanenbaum
49482 The nicest thing about the Alto is that it doesn't run faster at night.
49484 The night passes quickly when you're asleep
49485 But I'm out shufflin' for something to eat
49487 Breakfast at the Egg House,
49488 Like the waffle on the griddle,
49489 I'm burnt around the edges,
49490 But I'm tender in the middle.
49493 The notes blatted skyward as the rose over the Canada geese, feathered
49494 rumps mooning the day, webbed appendages frantically pedaling unseen
49495 bicycles in their search for sustenance, driven by cruel Nature's maxim,
49496 'Ya wanna eat, ya gotta work,' and at last I knew Pittsburgh.
49497 -- Winning sentence, 1987 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest
49499 The notion of a "record" is an obsolete remnant of the days of the
49501 -- Dennis M. Ritchie
49503 The notion that the church, the press, and the universities should
49504 serve the state is essentially a Communist notion ... In a free society
49505 these institutions must be wholly free -- which is to say that their
49506 function is to serve as checks upon the state.
49509 The number of arguments is unimportant unless some of them are
49513 The number of computer scientists in a room is inversely
49514 proportional to the number of bugs in their code.
49516 The number of feet in a yard is directly proportional to the success
49519 The number of licorice gumballs you get out of a gumball machine
49520 increases in direct proportion to how much you hate licorice.
49522 The number of UNIX installations has grown to 10, with more expected.
49523 -- The Unix Programmer's Manual, 2nd Edition, June 1972
49525 The NY Times is read by the people who run the country. The Washington Post
49526 is read by the people who think they run the country. The National Enquirer
49527 is read by the people who think Elvis is alive and running the country.
49530 The objective of all dedicated employees should be to thoroughly
49531 analyze all situations, anticipate all problems prior to their
49532 occurrence, have answers for these problems, and move swiftly to solve
49533 these problems when called upon.
49535 However, when you are up to your ass in alligators it is difficult to
49536 remind yourself your initial objective was to drain the swamp.
49538 The odds are a million to one against your being one in a million.
49540 The Official Colorado State Vegetable is now the "state legislator".
49542 The Official MBA Handbook on business cards:
49543 Avoid overly pretentious job titles such as "Lord of the Realm,
49544 Defender of the Faith, Emperor of India" or "Director of Corporate
49547 The Official MBA Handbook on doing company business on an airplane:
49549 Do not work openly on top-secret company cost documents unless
49550 you have previously ascertained that the passenger next to you
49551 is blind, a rock musician on mood-ameliorating drugs, or the
49552 unfortunate possessor of a forty-seventh chromosome.
49554 The Official MBA Handbook on the use of sunlamps:
49556 Use a sunlamp only on weekends. That way, if the office wise guy
49557 remarks on the sudden appearance of your tan, you can fabricate
49558 some story about a sun-stroked weekend at some island Shangri-La
49559 like Caneel Bay. Nothing is more transparent than leaving the
49560 office at 11:45 on a Tuesday night, only to return an Aztec sun
49561 god at 8:15 the next morning.
49563 The old complaint that mass culture is designed for eleven-year-olds
49564 is of course a shameful canard. The key age has traditionally been
49565 more like fourteen.
49566 -- Robert Christgau, "Esquire"
49568 The old man had lived all his life in a little house on the Vermont side of the
49569 New Hampshire-Vermont border. One day, the surveyors came to inform him that
49570 they had just discovered that he lived in New Hampshire, not Vermont.
49571 "Thank heavens!" was his heartfelt reply. "I don't think I could have
49572 taken another one of those damned Vermont winters!"
49574 THE OLD POOL SHOOTER had won many a game in his life. But now it was time
49575 to hang up the cue. When he did, all the other cues came crashing go the
49578 "Sorry," he said with a smile.
49579 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican", 1988.
49581 The older a man gets, the farther he had to walk to school as a boy.
49583 The older I grow, the less important the comma becomes. Let the reader
49584 catch his own breath.
49585 -- Elizabeth Clarkson Zwart
49587 The older I grow the more I distrust the familiar doctrine that age
49591 The one charm of marriage is that it makes a life of deception a necessity.
49594 The one day you'd sell your soul for something, souls are a glut.
49596 The one good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when
49599 The one L lama, he's a priest
49600 The two L llama, he's a beast
49601 And I will bet my silk pyjama
49602 There isn't any three L lllama.
49603 -- Ogden Nash, to which a fire chief replied that occasionally
49604 his department responded to something like a "three L lllama."
49606 The One Page Principle:
49607 A specification that will not fit on one page of 8.5x11 inch paper
49608 cannot be understood.
49611 The one sure way to make a lazy man look
49612 respectable is to put a fishing rod in his hand.
49614 The only alliance I would make with the Women's Liberation Movement is in bed.
49617 The only certainty is that nothing is certain.
49620 The only constant is change.
49622 The only cultural advantage LA has over NY is that you can make a
49623 right turn on a red light.
49626 The only difference between a car salesman and a computer salesman is
49627 that the car salesman knows he's lying.
49629 The only difference between a rut and a grave is their dimensions.
49631 The only difference between the saint and the sinner is that
49632 every saint has a past and every sinner has a future.
49635 The only difference in the game of love over the last few
49636 thousand years is that they've changed trumps from clubs to diamonds.
49637 -- The Indianapolis Star
49639 The only function of economic forecasting is to make astrology look
49641 -- John Kenneth Galbraith
49643 The only happiness lies in reason; all the rest of the world is dismal.
49644 The highest reason, however, I see in the work of the artist, and he may
49645 experience it as such. Happiness lies in the swiftness of feeling and
49646 thinking: all the rest of the world is slow, gradual and stupid. Whoever
49647 could feel the course of a light ray would be very happy, for it is very
49648 swift. Thinking of oneself gives little happiness. If, however, one feels
49649 much happiness in this, it is because at bottom one is not thinking of
49650 oneself but of one's ideal. This is far, and only the swift shall reach
49651 it and are delighted.
49652 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
49654 The only "ism" Hollywood believes in is plagiarism.
49657 The only justification for our concepts and systems of concepts is
49658 that they serve to represent the complex of our experiences;
49659 beyond this they have no legitimacy.
49662 The only one of your children who does not grow up and move away
49665 The only people for me are the mad ones -- the ones who are mad to live,
49666 mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time,
49667 the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn
49668 like fabulous yellow Roman candles.
49669 -- Jack Kerouac, "On the Road"
49671 The only people who make love all the time are liars.
49674 The only perfect science is hind-sight.
49676 The only person to get all of his work done by Friday was Robinson Crusoe.
49678 The only person who always got his work done by Friday was Robinson Crusoe.
49680 The only possible interpretation of any research whatever in the
49681 `social sciences' is: some do, some don't.
49682 -- Ernest Rutherford
49684 The only possible interpretation of any research
49685 whatever in the "social sciences" is: some do, some don't.
49687 The only problem with being a man of leisure is that you can never stop
49690 The only problem with seeing too much is that it makes you insane.
49693 The only promotion rules I can think of are that a sense of shame is to
49694 be avoided at all costs and there is never any reason for a hustler to
49695 be less cunning than more virtuous men. Oh yes ... whenever you think
49696 you've got something really great, add ten per cent more.
49699 The only qualities for real success in journalism are ratlike cunning, a
49700 plausible manner and a little literary ability. The capacity to steal
49701 other people's ideas and phrases ... is also invaluable.
49702 -- Nicolas Tomalin, "Stop the Press, I Want to Get On"
49704 The only real advantage to punk music is that nobody can whistle it.
49706 The only real argument for marriage is that it remains the best method
49707 for getting acquainted.
49710 The only real way to look younger is not to be born so soon.
49713 "The only real way to look younger is not to be born so soon."
49714 -- Charles Schulz, "Things I've Had to Learn Over and
49717 The only really decent thing to do behind a person's back is pat it.
49719 The only really good place to buy lumber is at a store where the lumber
49720 has already been cut and attached together in the form of furniture,
49721 finished, and put inside boxes.
49722 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
49724 The only really masterful noise a man makes in a house is the noise
49725 of his key, when he is still on the landing, fumbling for the lock.
49728 The only reward of virtue is virtue.
49729 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
49731 The only rose without thorns is friendship.
49733 The only thing better than love is milk.
49735 The only thing cheaper than hardware is talk.
49737 The only thing that experience teaches us is that experience teaches
49739 -- Andre Maurois (Emile Herzog)
49741 The only thing that stops God from sending a second Flood is that
49742 the first one was useless.
49743 -- Nicolas Chamfort
49745 The only thing to do with good advice is pass it on. It is never any
49749 The only thing we learn from history is that we do not learn.
49752 That men do not learn very much from history is the most important of all
49753 the lessons that history has to teach.
49756 We learn from history that we do not learn from history.
49759 HISTORY: Papa Hegel he say that all we learn from history is that we learn
49760 nothing from history. I know people who can't even learn from what happened
49761 this morning. Hegel must have been taking the long view.
49762 -- Chad C. Mulligan, "The Hipcrime Vocab"
49764 The only thing we learn from history is that we learn nothing from
49768 "I know guys can't learn from yesterday ... Hegel must be taking the
49770 -- John Brunner, "Stand on Zanzibar"
49772 The only thing which separates man from child is all the values
49773 he has lost over the years.
49774 -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967)
49776 The only time a dog gets complimented is when he doesn't do anything.
49779 The only two things that motivate me and that matter to me are revenge
49783 The only way to amuse some people
49784 is to slip and fall on an icy pavement.
49786 The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.
49789 The only way to keep you health is to eat what you don't want,
49790 drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not.
49793 The only winner in the War of 1812 was Tchaikovsky.
49796 The onset and the waning of love make themselves felt
49797 in the uneasiness experienced at being alone together.
49798 -- Jean de la Bruyere
49800 The opossum is a very sophisticated animal. It doesn't even get up
49803 The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. But the opposite
49804 of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.
49807 The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.
49810 The opposite of talking isn't listening. The opposite of talking is
49812 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"
49814 The optimist thinks that this is the best of all possible worlds,
49815 and the pessimist knows it.
49816 -- J. Robert Oppenheimer, "Bulletin of Atomic Scientists"
49818 Yet creeds mean very little, Coth answered the dark god, still speaking
49819 almost gently. The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all
49820 possible worlds; and the pessimist fears this is true.
49821 -- James Cabell, "The Silver Stallion"
49823 The optimum committee has no members.
49824 -- Norman Augustine
49826 The opulence of the front office door varies
49827 inversely with the fundamental solvency of the firm.
49829 The orders come down and they march us away.
49830 There's a battle outside and we join in the fray.
49831 God, it's hell when you know this could be your last day,
49832 But it's better than working for Xerox.
49833 -- Frank Hayes, "Don't Ask"
49835 "The other day I put instant coffee in my microwave oven ... I almost
49836 went back in time."
49839 The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me.
49842 The other line moves faster.
49844 The owner of a large furniture store in the mid-west arrived in France on
49845 a buying trip. As he was checking into a hotel he struck up an acquaintance
49846 with a beautiful young lady. However, she only spoke French and he only spoke
49847 English, so each couldn't understand a word the other spoke. He took out a
49848 pencil and a notebook and drew a picture of a coach. She smiled, nodded her
49849 head and they went for a ride in the park. Later, he drew a picture of a
49850 table in a restaurant with a question mark and she nodded, so they went to
49851 dinner. After dinner he sketched two dancers and she was delighted. They
49852 went to several nightclubs, drank champagne, danced and had a glorious
49853 evening. It had gotten quite late when she motioned for the pencil and drew
49854 a picture of a four-poster bed. He was dumbfounded, and to this day has
49855 never been able to understand how she knew he was in the furniture business.
49857 The part of the world that people find most puzzling is the part called "Me".
49859 The party adjourned to a hot tub, yes. Fully clothed, I might add.
49860 -- IBM employee, testifying in California State Supreme Court
49862 The passionate young thing was having a difficult time getting across what
49863 she wanted from her rather dense boyfriend. Finally she asked,
49864 "Would you like to see where I was operated on for appendicitis?"
49865 "Gosh, no!" he replied. "I hate hospitals."
49867 The past always looks better than it was. It's only pleasant because
49869 -- Finley Peter Dunne (Mr. Dooley)
49871 The penalty for laughing in a courtroom is six months in jail; if it
49872 were not for this penalty, the jury would never hear the evidence.
49875 The people sensible enough to give
49876 good advice are usually sensible enough to give none.
49878 The perfect friend sees the best in you -- sees it constantly --
49879 not just when you occasionally are that way, but also when you
49880 waver, when you forget yourself, act like less than you are.
49881 In time, you become more like his vision of you -- which is the
49882 person you have always wanted to be.
49885 The perfect lover is one who turns into a pizza at 4:00 A.M.
49888 The perfect man is the true partner. Not a bed partner nor a fun partner,
49889 but a man who will shoulder burdens equally with [you] and possess that
49893 The person who can smile when something
49894 goes wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.
49896 The person who makes no mistakes does not usually make anything.
49898 The person who marries for money usually earns every penny of it.
49900 The person who's taking you to lunch has no intention of paying.
49902 The person you rejected yesterday could make you happy, if you say yes.
49904 The personal computer market is about the same size as the total potato chip
49905 market. Next year it will be about half the size of the pet food market and
49906 is fast approaching the total worldwide sales of pantyhose"
49907 -- James Finke, Commodore Int'l Ltd., 1982
49909 The perversity of nature is nowhere better demonstrated by the fact that,
49910 when exposed to the same atmosphere, bread becomes hard while crackers
49913 The philosopher's treatment of a question
49914 is like the treatment of an illness.
49917 The Phone Booth Rule:
49918 A lone dime always gets the number nearly right.
49920 The Pig, if I am not mistaken,
49921 Gives us ham and pork and Bacon.
49922 Let others think his heart is big,
49923 I think it stupid of the Pig.
49926 The pitcher wound up and he flang the ball at the batter. The batter
49927 swang and missed. The pitcher flang the ball again and this time the
49928 batter connected. He hit a high fly right to the center fielder. The
49929 center fielder was all set to catch the ball, but at the last minute
49930 his eyes were blound by the sun and he dropped it.
49933 The plot was designed in a light vein that somehow became varicose.
49936 The plural of spouse is spice.
49938 The Poems, all three hundred of them,
49939 may be summed up in one of their phrases:
49940 "Let our thoughts be correct".
49943 The Poet Whose Badness Saved His Life
49944 The most important poet in the seventeenth century was George
49945 Wither. Alexander Pope called him "wretched Wither" and Dryden said of his
49946 verse that "if they rhymed and rattled all was well".
49947 In our own time, "The Dictionary of National Biography" notes that his
49948 work "is mainly remarkable for its mass, fluidity and flatness. It usually
49949 lacks any genuine literary quality and often sinks into imbecile doggerel".
49950 High praise, indeed, and it may tempt you to savour a typically
49951 rewarding stanza: It is taken from "I loved a lass" and is concerned with
49952 the higher emotions.
49953 She would me "Honey" call,
49954 She'd -- O she'd kiss me too.
49955 But now alas! She's left me
49957 Among other details of his mistress which he chose to immortalize
49958 was her prudent choice of footwear.
49959 The fives did fit her shoe.
49960 In 1639 the great poet's life was endangered after his capture by
49961 the Royalists during the English Civil War. When Sir John Denham, the
49962 Royalist poet, heard of Wither's imminent execution, he went to the King and
49963 begged that his life be spared. When asked his reason, Sir John replied,
49964 "Because that so long as Wither lived, Denham would not be accounted the
49965 worst poet in England."
49966 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
49968 The poetry of heroism appeals irresistibly to those who don't go to a war,
49969 and even more so to those whom the war is making enormously wealthy."
49972 The point is, you see, that there is no point in driving yourself mad
49973 trying to stop yourself going mad. You might just as well give in and
49974 save your sanity for later.
49976 The polite thing to do has always been to address people as they wish
49977 to be addressed, to treat them in a way they think dignified. But it
49978 is equally important to accept and tolerate different standards of
49979 courtesy, not expecting everyone else to adapt to one's own
49980 preferences. Only then can we hope to restore the insult to its proper
49981 social function of expressing true distaste.
49982 -- Judith Martin, "Miss Manners' Guide to
49983 Excruciatingly Correct Behavior"
49985 The politician is someone who deals in man's problems of adjustment.
49986 To ask a politician to lead us is to ask the tail of a dog to lead the dog.
49987 -- Buckminster Fuller
49989 The pollution's at that awkward stage.
49990 Too thick to navigate and too thin to cultivate.
49993 The porcupine with the sharpest quills gets stuck on a tree more often.
49995 The possession of a book becomes a substitute for reading it.
49998 The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor
49999 prohibited by it to the States, are reserved to the States respectively,
50001 -- U.S. Constitution, Amendment 10. (Bill of Rights)
50003 The Preacher, the Politician, the Teacher,
50004 Were each of them once a kiddie.
50005 A child, indeed, is a wonderful creature.
50006 Do I want one? God Forbiddie!
50009 The President publicly apologized today to all those offended by his
50010 brother's remark, "There's more Arabs in this country than there is
50011 Jews!". Those offended include Arabs, Jews, and English teachers.
50012 -- Baltimore, Channel 11 News, on Jimmy Carter
50014 The prettiest women are almost always the most
50015 boring, and that is why some people feel there is no God.
50016 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
50018 The price of greatness is responsibility.
50020 The price of seeking to force our beliefs on others is that someday
50021 they might force their beliefs on us.
50024 The price of success in philosophy is triviality.
50027 The price one pays for pursuing any profession, or calling, is an intimate
50028 knowledge of its ugly side.
50031 The primary cause of failure in electrical appliances is an expired
50032 warranty. Often, you can get an appliance running again simply by
50033 changing the warranty expiration date with a 15/64-inch felt-tipped
50035 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
50037 The primary function of the design engineer is to make things
50038 difficult for the fabricator and impossible for the serviceman.
50040 The primary purpose of the DATA statement is to give names to
50041 constants; instead of referring to pi as 3.141592653589793 at every
50042 appearance, the variable PI can be given that value with a DATA
50043 statement and used instead of the longer form of the constant. This
50044 also simplifies modifying the program, should the value of pi change.
50045 -- FORTRAN manual for Xerox Computers
50047 The primary requisite for any new tax law is for it to exempt enough
50048 voters to win the next election.
50050 The primary theme of SoupCon is communication. The acronym "LEO"
50051 represents the secondary theme:
50053 Law Enforcement Officials
50055 The overall theme of SoupCon shall be:
50057 Avoiding Communication with Law Enforcement Officials
50060 The probability of someone watching you is directly
50061 proportional to the stupidity of your action.
50063 The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the
50064 stupidity of your action.
50066 The problem ... is that we have run out of dinosaurs to form oil with.
50067 Scientists working for the Department of Energy have tried to form oil
50068 using other animals; they've piled thousands of tons of sand and Middle
50069 Eastern countries on top of cows, raccoons, haddock, laboratory rats,
50070 etc., but so far all they have managed to do is run up an enormous
50071 bulldozer-rental bill and anger a lot of Middle Eastern persons. None
50072 of the animals turned into oil, although most of the laboratory rats
50074 -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler"
50076 The problem that we thought was a problem was, indeed,
50077 a problem, but not the problem we thought was the problem.
50080 The problem with any unwritten law is that you don't know where to go
50084 The problem with engineers is that they tend to cheat in order to get
50087 The problem with mathematicians is that they tend to work on toy
50088 problems in order to get results.
50090 The problem with program verifiers is that they tend to cheat at toy
50091 problems in order to get results.
50093 The problem with graduate students, in general, is that they have
50094 to sleep every few days.
50096 The problem with me is that I am fifty or one hundred years ahead of my
50097 time. My speed is very fast. Some ministers have had to drop out of my
50098 government because they could not keep up.
50101 The problem with most conspiracy theories is that they seem to believe that
50102 for a group of people to behave in a way detrimental to the common good
50105 The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be
50106 pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues.
50107 -- Elizabeth Taylor
50109 The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
50111 The problem with this country is that there is no death penalty
50114 The problems of business administration in general, and database management in
50115 particular are much too difficult for people that think in IBMese, compounded
50116 with sloppy English.
50117 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
50119 The profession of book writing makes horse racing seem like a solid,
50123 The program isn't debugged until the last user is dead.
50125 The programmers of old were mysterious and profound. We cannot fathom their
50126 thoughts, so all we do is describe their appearance.
50127 Aware, like a fox crossing the water. Alert, like a general on the
50128 battlefield. Kind, like a hostess greeting her guests. Simple, like uncarved
50129 blocks of wood. Opaque, like black pools in darkened caves.
50130 Who can tell the secrets of their hearts and minds?
50131 The answer exists only in the Tao.
50133 The proof of the pudding is in the eating.
50134 -- Miguel de Cervantes
50136 The proof that IBM didn't invent the car is that it has a steering wheel
50137 and an accelerator instead of spurs and ropes, to be compatible with a
50141 The propriety of some persons seems to consist in having improper
50142 thoughts about their neighbours.
50145 The Psblurtex is an 18-inch long anaconda that hides in the gentlemen's
50146 outfitting departments of Amazonian stores and is often bought by
50147 mistake since its colors are those of the London Reform Club. Once
50148 tied around its victim's neck, it strangles him gently and then claims
50149 the insurance before running off to Germany where it lives in hiding.
50150 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
50152 The public demands certainties; it must be told definitely and a bit
50153 raucously that this is true and that is false. But there are no
50155 -- H. L. Mencken, "Prejudice"
50157 The Public is merely a multiplied "me."
50160 The Puritan hated bear-baiting, not because it gave pain to the bear, but
50161 because it gave pleasure to the spectators.
50162 -- Thomas Macaulay, "History of England"
50164 The purpose of Physics 7A is to make the engineers realize that they're
50165 not perfect, and to make the rest of the people realize that they're not
50168 "The pyramid is opening!"
50170 "The one with the ever-widening hole in it!"
50171 -- The Firesign Theatre, "How Can You Be In Two Places
50172 At Once When You're Not Anywhere At All"
50174 The qotc (quote of the con) was Liz's:
50175 "My brain is paged out to my liver"
50177 The quality of a pun is in the "Oy!" of the beholder.
50179 The Queen is most anxious to enlist every one who can speak or write to
50180 join in checking this mad, wicked folly of "Woman's Rights", with all its
50181 attendant horrors, on which her poor feeble sex is bent, forgetting every
50182 sense of womanly feeling and propriety. Lady-- ought to get a good
50183 whipping. It is a subject which makes the Queen so furious that she cannot
50184 contain herself. God created men and women different -- then let them
50185 remain each in their own position.
50186 -- Letter to Sir Theodore Martin, 29 May 1870, from
50189 The question is, why are politicians so eager to be president? What is
50190 it about the job that makes it worth revealing, on national television,
50191 that you have the ethical standards of a slime-coated piece of
50193 -- Dave Barry, "On Presidential Politics"
50195 The questions remain the same.
50196 The answers are eternally variable.
50198 The Rabbits The Cow
50199 Here is a verse about rabbits The cow is of the bovine ilk;
50200 That doesn't mention their habits. One end is moo, the other, milk.
50203 The race is not always to the swift, nor the
50204 battle to the strong, but that's the way to bet.
50207 The rain it raineth on the just
50208 And also on the unjust fella,
50209 But chiefly on the just, because
50210 The unjust steals the just's umbrella.
50213 The Ranger isn't gonna like it, Yogi.
50215 The rate at which a disease spreads through a corn field is a precise
50216 measurement of the speed of blight.
50218 The ratio of literacy to illiteracy is a constant, but nowadays the
50219 illiterates can read.
50222 The reader this message encounters not failing to understand is
50225 The real man's Bloody Mary:
50226 Ingredients: vodka, tomato juice, Tabasco, Worcestershire
50227 sauce, A-1 steak sauce, ice, salt, pepper, celery.
50229 Fill a large tumbler with vodka.
50230 Throw all the other ingredients away.
50232 The real problem with hunting elephants carrying the decoys.
50234 The real purpose of books is to trap the mind into doing its own thinking.
50235 -- Christopher Morley
50237 The real reason large families benefit society is because at least
50238 a few of the children in the world shouldn't be raised by beginners.
50240 The real reason psychology is hard is that
50241 psychologists are trying to do the impossible.
50243 The real trouble with reality is that there's no background music.
50245 The reason computer chips are so small is computers don't eat much.
50247 The reason it's called "Grape Nuts" is that it contains "dextrose",
50248 which is also sometimes called "grape sugar", and also because "Grape
50249 Nuts" is catchier, in terms of marketing, than "A Cross Between Gerbil
50250 Food and Gravel", which is what it tastes like.
50251 -- Dave Barry, "Tips for Writer's"
50253 The reason people sweat is so they won't catch fire when making love.
50256 The reason that every major university maintains a department of
50257 mathematics is that it's cheaper than institutionalizing all those
50260 The reason they're called wisdom teeth
50261 is that the experience makes you wise.
50263 The reason we come up with new versions is not to fix bugs. It's
50267 The reason why worry kills more people
50268 than work is that more people worry than work.
50270 The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one
50271 persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all
50272 progress depends on the unreasonable man.
50273 -- George Bernard Shaw
50275 The reasons that each of these countries has had to renege on its
50276 financial commitments were all somewhat different: Argentina because of
50277 a war, Poland because of its vast misguided overinvestment in heavy
50278 industry, Honduras because the coffee price went sour, Zaire because
50279 nobody in the government there has a clue as to how to run a country.
50280 -- Paul Erdman's Money Book
50282 The relative importance of files depends on their cost
50283 in terms of the human effort needed to regenerate them.
50286 The requirements of romantic love are difficult to satisfy in the trunk
50290 The Reverend Henry Ward Beecher
50291 Called a hen a most elegant creature.
50292 The hen, pleased with that,
50293 Laid an egg in his hat --
50294 And thus did the hen reward Beecher.
50295 -- Oliver Wendell Holmes
50297 The reverse side also has a reverse side.
50298 -- Japanese proverb
50300 The revolution will not be televised.
50302 The reward for working hard is more hard work.
50304 The reward of a thing well done is to have done it.
50307 The rhino is a homely beast,
50308 For human eyes he's not a feast.
50309 Farewell, farewell, you old rhinoceros,
50310 I'll stare at something less prepoceros.
50313 The rich get rich, and the poor get poorer.
50314 The haves get more, the have-nots die.
50316 The right half of the brain controls the left half of the body. This
50317 means that only left handed people are in their right mind.
50319 "The Right Honorable Gentleman is indebted to his memory for his jests
50320 and to his imagination for his facts."
50323 The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be
50325 -- Hubert H. Humphrey
50327 The right to be let alone is indeed the beginning of all freedom.
50330 The right to revolt has sources deep in our history.
50331 -- Supreme Court Justice William O. Douglas
50333 The rights and interests of the laboring man will be protected and cared
50334 for not by our labor agitators, but by the Christian men to whom God in his
50335 infinite wisdom has given control of property interests of the country, and
50336 upon the successful management of which so much remains.
50337 -- George F. Baer, railroad industrialist
50339 "The rights you have are the rights given you by this Committee [the
50340 House Un-American Activities Committee]. We will determine what rights
50341 you have and what rights you have not got."
50342 -- J. Parnell Thomas
50344 The ripest fruit falls first.
50345 -- William Shakespeare, "Richard II"
50347 The road to Hades is easy to travel.
50350 The road to hell is paved with good intentions. And littered with
50353 The road to hell is paved with NAND gates.
50356 The road to ruin is always in good repair,
50357 and the travellers pay the expense of it.
50361 The one who says it cannot be done should never interrupt the
50362 one who is doing it.
50364 The root of all superstition is that men
50365 observe when a thing hits, but not when it misses.
50368 The rose of yore is but a name, mere names are left to us.
50370 The Ruffed Pandanga of Borneo and Rotherham spreads out his feathers in
50371 his courtship dance and imitates Winston Churchill and Tommy Cooper on
50372 one leg. The padanga is dying out because the female padanga doesn't
50373 take it too seriously.
50374 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
50376 The rule is, jam to-morrow and jam yesterday, but never jam today.
50379 The rule on staying alive as a forecaster is to give 'em a number or
50380 give 'em a date, but never give 'em both at once.
50381 -- Jane Bryant Quinn
50383 The rules are rather simple to understand: Under democracy you
50384 can defend any view, but only defend it. You can not try to realize
50385 it through power, violence or weapons.
50386 -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967)
50390 1: Thou shalt not worship other computer systems.
50391 2: Thou shalt not impersonate Liberace or eat watermelon while sitting at
50392 the console keyboard.
50393 3: Thou shalt not slap users on the face, nor staple their silly little
50394 card decks together.
50395 4: Thou shalt not get physically involved with the computer system,
50396 especially if you're already married.
50397 5: Thou shalt not use magnetic tapes as frisbees, nor use a disk pack as
50398 a stool to reach another disk pack.
50399 6: Thou shalt not stare at the blinking lights for more than one 8 hour
50401 7: Thou shalt not tell users that you accidentally destroyed their
50402 files/backup just to see the look on their little faces.
50403 8: Thou shalt not enjoy cancelling a job.
50404 9: Thou shalt not display firearms in the computer room.
50405 10: Thou shalt not push buttons "just to see what happens".
50407 The Russians have put a small ball up in the air.
50408 That does not raise my apprehensions one iota.
50409 -- Dwight D. Eisenhower
50411 The salary of the chief executive of the large corporation is not a market
50412 award for achievement. It is frequently in the nature of a warm personal
50413 gesture by the individual to himself.
50414 -- John Kenneth Galbraith, "Annals of an Abiding Liberal"
50416 The San Diego Freeway. Official Parking Lot of the 1984 Olympics!
50418 The savior becomes the victim.
50420 The scene: in a vast, painted desert, a cowboy faces his horse.
50422 Cowboy: "Well, you've been a pretty good hoss, I guess. Hardworkin'.
50423 Not the fastest critter I ever come acrost, but..."
50425 Horse: "No, stupid, not feed*back*. I said I wanted a feed*bag*.
50427 "The Schizophrenic: An Unauthorized Autobiography"
50429 The Schwine-Kitzenger Institute study of 47 men over the age of 100
50430 showed that all had these things in common:
50432 (1) They all had moderate appetites.
50433 (2) They all came from middle class homes.
50434 (3) All but two of them were dead.
50436 The scum also rises.
50437 -- Hunter S. Thompson
50439 The search for the perfect martini is a fraud. The perfect martini is
50440 a belt of gin from the bottle; anything else is the decadent trappings
50444 The second best policy is dishonesty.
50446 The Second Law of Thermodynamics:
50447 If you think things are in a mess now, just wait!
50450 The secret of happiness is total disregard of everybody.
50452 The secret of healthy hitchhiking is to eat junk food.
50454 The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that,
50455 you've got it made.
50458 The secret source of humor is not joy but sorrow;
50459 there is no humor in Heaven.
50462 The sendmail configuration file is one of those files that looks like someone
50463 beat their head on the keyboard. After working with it... I can see why!
50466 The seven deadly sins ... Food, clothing, firing, rent, taxes,
50467 respectability and children. Nothing can lift those seven millstones
50468 from Man's neck but money; and the spirit cannot soar until the
50469 millstones are lifted.
50470 -- George Bernard Shaw
50472 The seven eyes of Ningauble the Wizard floated back to his hood as he
50473 reported to Fafhrd: "I have seen much, yet cannot explain all. The Gray
50474 Mouser is exactly twenty-five feet below the deepest cellar in the palace
50475 of Gilpkerio Kistomerces. Even though twenty-four parts in twenty-five of
50476 him are dead, he is alive.
50477 Now about Lankhmar. She's been invaded, her walls breached
50478 everywhere and desperate fighting is going on in the streets, by a fierce
50479 host which out-numbers Lankhamar's inhabitants by fifty to one -- and
50480 equipped with all modern weapons. Yet you can save the city."
50481 "How?" demanded Fafhrd.
50482 Ningauble shrugged. "You're a hero. You should know."
50483 -- Fritz Leiber, "The Swords of Lankhmar"
50485 The seven year itch comes from fooling around during the fourth, fifth,
50488 The Seventh Commandments for Technicians
50489 Work thou not on energized equipment, for if thou dost, thy
50490 fellow workers will surely buy beers for thy widow and console her in
50493 The sheep died in the wool.
50495 The sheep that fly over your head are soon to land.
50497 The shifts of Fortune test the reliability of friends.
50498 -- Marcus Tullius Cicero
50500 The shortest distance between any two puns is a straight line.
50502 The shortest distance between two points is under construction.
50505 The Shuttle is now going five times the sound of speed.
50506 -- Dan Rather, first landing of Columbia
50508 The six great gifts of an Irish girl are beauty, soft
50509 voice, sweet speech, wisdom, needlework, and chastity.
50510 -- Theodore Roosevelt, 1907
50512 The Sixth Commandment of Frisbee:
50513 The greatest single aid to distance is for the disc to be going
50514 in a direction you did not want. (Goes the wrong way = Goes a long
50518 The sixth sheik's sixth sheep's sick.
50519 -- [just say that five times...]
50521 The sky is blue so we know where to stop mowing.
50522 -- Judge Harold T. Stone
50524 The smallest worm will turn being trodden on.
50525 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
50527 The smiling Spring comes in rejoicing,
50528 And surly Winter grimly flies.
50529 Now crystal clear are the falling waters,
50530 And bonnie blue are the sunny skies.
50531 Fresh o'er the mountains breaks forth the morning,
50532 The ev'ning gilds the oceans's swell:
50533 All creatures joy in the sun's returning,
50534 And I rejoice in my bonnie Bell.
50536 The flowery Spring leads sunny Summer,
50537 The yellow Autumn presses near;
50538 Then in his turn come gloomy Winter,
50539 Till smiling Spring again appear.
50540 Thus seasons dancing, life advancing,
50541 Old Time and Nature their changes tell;
50542 But never ranging, still unchanging,
50543 I adore my bonnie Bell.
50544 -- Robert Burns, "My Bonnie Bell"
50546 The so-called "desktop metaphor" of today's workstations is instead an
50547 "airplane-seat" metaphor. Anyone who has shuffled a lap full of papers
50548 while seated between two portly passengers will recognize the difference --
50549 one can see only a very few things at once.
50550 -- Frederick Brooks
50552 The so-called lessons of history are for the most part the
50553 rationalizations of the victors. History is written by the survivors.
50556 "The society which scorns excellence in plumbing as a humble activity
50557 and tolerates shoddiness in philosophy because it is an exalted
50558 activity will have neither good plumbing nor good philosophy ...
50559 neither its pipes nor its theories will hold water."
50561 The soldier came knocking upon the queen's door
50562 He said, "I am not fighting for you anymore"
50563 The queen knew she had seen his face someplace before
50564 And slowly she let him inside.
50566 He said, "I see you now, and you're so very young
50567 But I've seen more battles lost than I have battles won
50568 And I have this intuition that it's all for your fun
50569 And now will you tell me why?"
50570 -- Suzanne Vega, "The Queen and The Soldier"
50572 The solution of problems is the most characteristic
50573 and peculiar sort of voluntary thinking.
50576 The solution of this problem is trivial
50577 and is left as an exercise for the reader.
50579 The solution to a problem changes the nature of the problem.
50582 The somewhat old and crusty vicar was taking a well-earned retirement from
50583 his rather old and crusty parish. As is usual in these cases, a locum was
50584 sent to cover the transition period. This particular man was young and
50585 active, and had the strange notion that church should also be active and
50586 exciting. As a consequence he was more than a little disappointed with the
50587 dull and tradition-bound church. He decided to do something about it.
50588 For his first Sunday, he didn't wear the traditional robes and
50589 vestments, but lead the service wearing a nice 2-piece suit. The congregation
50590 was horrified! He changed the order of the service. The congregation was
50591 horrified! Then came the children's lesson.
50592 For this he came out of the pulpit, and sat on the communion table.
50593 The congregation was mortified! He sat there swinging his legs against
50594 the table as the children gathered around him.
50595 He asked the children, "What's small, brown, furry and eats nuts?"
50596 There was total silence.
50597 He asked again, "What's small, brown, furry and eats nuts?"
50599 Eventually, one timid youngster put up his hand and said, "Please,
50600 sir, I know the answer is Jesus, but it sure sounds like a squirrel to me."
50602 "The sooner all the animals are dead, the sooner we'll find their
50604 -- Ed Bluestone, "The National Lampoon"
50606 The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up.
50608 "The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up!"
50610 The sooner you make your first 5000 mistakes, the sooner you will be
50611 able to correct them.
50614 The soul would have no rainbow had the eyes no tears.
50616 The sounds of the nouns are mostly unbound.
50617 In town a noun might wear a gown,
50618 or further down, might dress a clown.
50619 A noun that's sound would never clown,
50620 but unsound nouns jump up and down.
50621 The sound of a noun could disturb the plowing,
50622 and then, my dear, you'd be put in the pound.
50623 But please don't let that get you down,
50624 the renown of your gown is the talk of the town.
50627 The Soviet pre-eminence in chess can be traced to the average Russian's
50628 readiness to brood obsessively over anything, even the arrangement of
50629 some pieces of wood. Indeed, the Russians' predisposition for quiet
50630 reflection followed by sudden preventive action explains why they led
50631 the field for many years in both chess and ax murders. It is well
50632 known that as early as 1970, the U.S.S.R., aware of what a defeat at
50633 Reykjavik would do to national prestige, implemented a vigorous program
50634 of preparation and incentive. Every day for an entire year, a team of
50635 psychologists, chess analysts and coaches met with the top three
50636 Russian grand masters and threatened them with a pointy stick. That
50637 these tactics proved fruitless is now a part of chess history and a
50638 further testament to the American way, which provides that if you want
50639 something badly enough, you can always go to Iceland and get it from
50641 -- Marshall Brickman, Playboy, April, 1973
50643 The Soviet Union, which has complained recently about alleged anti-Soviet
50644 themes in American advertising, lodged an official protest this week
50645 against the Ford Motor Company's new campaign: "Hey you stinking, fat
50646 Russian, get off my Ford Escort."
50649 The speed of anything depends on the flow of everything.
50651 The spirit of Plato dies hard. We have been unable to escape the
50652 philosophical tradition that what we can see and measure in the world
50653 is merely the superficial and imperfect representation of an underlying
50655 -- S. J. Gould, "The Mismeasure of Man"
50657 The star of riches is shining upon you.
50659 The startling truth finally became apparent, and it was this: Numbers
50660 written on restaurant checks within the confines of restaurants do not
50661 follow the same mathematical laws as numbers written on any other pieces
50662 of paper in any other parts of the Universe. This single statement took
50663 the scientific world by storm. So many mathematical conferences got held
50664 in such good restaurants that many of the finest minds of a generation
50665 died of obesity and heart failure, and the science of mathematics was put
50669 The state law of Pennsylvania prohibits singing in the bathtub.
50671 The state of innocence contains the germs of all future sin.
50672 -- Alexandre Arnoux, "Etudes et caprices"
50674 The steady state of disks is full.
50677 The story of the butterfly:
50678 "I was in Bogota and waiting for a lady friend. I was in love,
50679 a long time ago. I waited three days. I was hungry but could not go
50680 out for food, lest she come and I not be there to greet her. Then, on
50681 the third day, I heard a knock."
50682 "I hurried along the old passage and there, in the sunlight,
50683 there was nothing."
50684 "Just," Vance Joy said, "a butterfly, flying away."
50685 -- Peter Carey, BLISS
50687 The story you are about to hear is true.
50688 Only the names have been changed to protect the innocent.
50690 The street preacher looked so baffled
50691 When I asked him why he dressed
50692 With forty pounds of headlines
50693 Stapled to his chest.
50694 But he cursed me when I proved to him
50695 I said, "Not even you can hide.
50696 You see, you're just like me.
50697 I hope you're satisfied."
50700 The streets are safe in Philadelphia, it's only the people who make
50702 -- Mayor Frank Rizzo
50704 The streets were dark with something more than night.
50705 -- Raymond Chandler
50707 The strong give up and move away, while the weak give up and stay.
50709 The strong give up and move on, while the weak give up and stay.
50711 The strong individual loves the earth so much he lusts for recurrence. He
50712 can smile in the face of the most terrible thought: meaningless, aimless
50713 existence recurring eternally. The second characteristic of such a man is
50714 that he has the strength to recognise -- and to live with the recognition --
50715 that the world is valueless in itself and that all values are human ones.
50716 He creates himself by fashioning his own values; he has the pride to live
50717 by the values he wills.
50718 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
50720 "The student in question is performing minimally for his peer group and
50721 is an emerging underachiever."
50723 The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant
50726 "The subspace _
\bW inherits the other 8 properties of _
\bV. And there aren't
50727 even any property taxes."
50728 -- J. MacKay, Mathematics 134b
50730 The sudden sight of me causes panic in the streets. They have
50731 yet to learn - only the savage fears what he does not understand.
50732 -- The Silver Surfer
50734 The sum of the intelligence of the world is constant.
50735 The population is, of course, growing.
50737 The sum of the Universe is zero.
50739 The sun never sets on those who ride into it.
50742 The sun was shining on the sea,
50743 Shining with all his might:
50744 He did his very best to make
50745 The billows smooth and bright --
50746 And this was very odd, because it was
50747 The middle of the night.
50748 -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass"
50750 The sunlights differ, but there is only one darkness.
50751 -- Ursula K. LeGuin, "The Dispossessed"
50753 The superfluous is very necessary.
50756 The superior man understands what is right;
50757 the inferior man understands what will sell.
50760 The Supreme Court does it with all deliberate speed.
50762 The surest protection against temptation is cowardice.
50765 The surest sign that a man is in love is when he divorces his wife.
50767 The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher
50768 esteem those who think alike than those who think differently.
50769 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
50771 The surest way to remain a winner is to
50772 win once, and then not play any more.
50774 The sweeter the apple, the blacker the core --
50775 Scratch a lover and find a foe!
50776 -- Dorothy Parker, "Ballad of a Great Weariness"
50778 The system was down for backups from 5am to 10am last Saturday.
50780 The system will be down for 10 days for preventative maintenance.
50782 The Tao doesn't take sides;
50783 it gives birth to both wins and losses.
50784 The Guru doesn't take sides;
50785 she welcomes both hackers and lusers.
50787 The Tao is like a stack:
50788 the data changes but not the structure.
50789 the more you use it, the deeper it becomes;
50790 the more you talk of it, the less you understand.
50792 Hold on to the root.
50794 The Tao is like a glob pattern:
50795 used but never used up.
50796 It is like the extern void:
50797 filled with infinite possibilities.
50799 It is masked but always present.
50800 I don't know who built to it.
50801 It came before the first kernel.
50803 The tao that can be tar(1)ed
50804 is not the entire Tao.
50805 The path that can be specified
50806 is not the Full Path.
50808 We declare the names
50809 of all variables and functions.
50810 Yet the Tao has no type specifier.
50812 Dynamically binding, you realize the magic.
50813 Statically binding, you see only the hierarchy.
50815 Yet magic and hierarchy
50816 arise from the same source,
50817 and this source has a null pointer.
50819 Reference the NULL within NULL,
50820 it is the gateway to all wizardry.
50822 The technician should never forget that he is an artist, the
50823 artist never that he is a technician.
50824 -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967)
50826 The telephone is a good way to talk to people without having to offer
50828 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Interview"
50830 The temperature of Heaven can be rather accurately computed. Our
50831 authority is Isaiah 30:26, "Moreover, the light of the Moon shall be as
50832 the light of the Sun and the light of the Sun shall be sevenfold, as
50833 the light of seven days." Thus Heaven receives from the Moon as much
50834 radiation as we do from the Sun, and in addition 7*7 (49) times as much
50835 as the Earth does from the Sun, or 50 times in all. The light we
50836 receive from the Moon is one 1/10,000 of the light we receive from the
50837 Sun, so we can ignore that ... The radiation falling on Heaven will
50838 heat it to the point where the heat lost by radiation is just equal to
50839 the heat received by radiation, i.e., Heaven loses 50 times as much
50840 heat as the Earth by radiation. Using the Stefan-Boltzmann law for
50841 radiation, (_
\bH/_
\bE)^4 = 50, where _
\bE is the absolute temperature of the
50842 earth (~300K), gives _
\bH as 798K (525C). The exact temperature of Hell
50843 cannot be computed ... [However] Revelations 21:8 says "But the
50844 fearful, and unbelieving ... shall have their part in the lake which
50845 burneth with fire and brimstone." A lake of molten brimstone means
50846 that its temperature must be at or below the boiling point, 444.6C. We
50847 have, then, that Heaven, at 525C is hotter than Hell at 445C.
50848 -- From "Applied Optics" vol. 11, A14, 1972
50850 The temperature of Heaven can be rather accurately computed from available
50851 data. Our authority is Isaiah 30:26, "Moreover, the light of the Moon
50852 shall be as the light of the Sun and the light of the Sun shall be sevenfold,
50853 as the light of seven days." Thus Heaven receives from the Moon as much
50854 radiation as we do from the Sun, and in addition seven times seven (49) times
50855 as much as the Earth does from the Sun, or fifty times in all. The light we
50856 receive from the Moon is one ten-thousandth of the light we receive from the
50857 Sun, so we can ignore that. With these data we can compute the temperature
50858 of Heaven. The radiation falling on Heaven will heat it to the point where
50859 the heat lost by radiation is just equal to the heat received by radiation,
50860 i.e., Heaven loses fifty times as much heat as the Earth by radiation. Using
50861 the Stefan-Boltzmann law for radiation, (H/E)^4 = 50, where E is the absolute
50862 temperature of the earth (~300K), gives H as 798K (525C). The exact
50863 temperature of Hell cannot be computed, but it must be less than 444.6C, the
50864 temperature at which brimstone or sulphur changes from a liquid to a gas.
50865 Revelations 21:8 says "But the fearful, and unbelieving ... shall have their
50866 part in the lake which burneth with fire and brimstone." A lake of molten
50867 brimstone means that its temperature must be at or below the boiling point,
50868 or 444.6C (Above this point it would be a vapor, not a lake.) We have,
50869 then, that Heaven, at 525C is hotter than Hell at 445C.
50870 -- "Applied Optics", vol. 11, A14, 1972
50872 The temperature of the aqueous content of an unremittingly ogled
50873 culinary vessel will not achieve 100 degrees on the Celsius scale.
50875 The Ten Commandments for Technicians:
50876 1: Beware the lightening that lurketh in the undischarged
50877 capacitor, lest it cause thee to bounce upon thy buttocks in a
50878 most untechnician-like manner.
50880 7: Work thou not on energized equipment, for if thou dost, thy
50881 fellow workers will surely buy beers for thy widow and console
50884 The term "fire" brings up visions of violence and mayhem and the ugly scene
50885 of shooting employees who make mistakes. We will now refer to this process
50886 as "deleting" an employee (much as a file is deleted from a disk). The
50887 employee is simply there one instant, and gone the next. All the terrible
50888 temper tantrums, crying, and threats are eliminated.
50891 The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposed
50892 ideas in the mind at the same time and still retain the ability to function.
50893 -- F. Scott Fitzgerald
50895 The test of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts.
50898 The thing that takes up the least amount of time
50899 and causes the most amount of trouble is sex.
50901 The things that interest people most are usually none of their business.
50903 The Third Law of Photography:
50904 If you did manage to get any good shots, they will be ruined
50905 when someone inadvertently opens the darkroom door and all of the dark
50908 The thought of being President frightens me and I do not think I
50910 -- Ronald Reagan in 1973
50912 Reagan won because he ran against Jimmy Carter. Had he run unopposed he
50916 Ronald Reagan is a triumph of the embalmer's art.
50919 Ronald Reagan's platform seems to be: Hey, I'm a big good-looking guy and
50920 I need a lot of sleep.
50921 -- Roy G. Blount, Jr.
50923 You've got to be careful quoting Ronald Reagan, because when you quote him
50924 accurately it's called mudslinging.
50927 The Thought Police are here. They've come
50928 To put you under cardiac arrest.
50929 And as they drag you through the door
50930 They tell you that you've failed the test.
50931 -- Buggles, "Living in the Plastic Age"
50933 The three best things about going to school are June, July, and August.
50935 The three biggest software lies:
50937 1: *Of course* we'll give you a copy of the source.
50938 2: *Of course* the third party vendor we bought that from
50939 will fix the microcode.
50940 3: Beta test site? No, *of course* you're not a beta test site.
50942 The three laws of thermodynamics:
50943 (1) You can't get anything without working for it.
50944 (2) The most you can accomplish by working is to break even.
50945 (3) You can only break even at absolute zero.
50947 The Three Laws of Thermodynamics:
50949 The First Law: You can't get anything without working for it.
50950 The Second Law: The most you can accomplish by working is to break
50952 The Third Law: You can only break even at absolute zero.
50954 THE THREE MOST COMMONLY-ASKED QUESTIONS AT DISNEYLAND:
50956 1) Where's the bathroom?
50957 2) What time does the parade start?
50958 3) Do you sell anything without that damn mouse on it?
50960 The three questions of greatest concern are -- 1. Is it attractive?
50961 2. Is it amusing? 3. Does it know its place?
50962 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life"
50964 The three rules of international air travel:
50966 (1) Never fly on Aeroflot if you can possibly avoid it (this used
50967 to be Braniff or Aeroflot).
50968 (2) Never bet a whole lot of money on two little pairs unless you
50969 know *exactly* what you're doing.
50970 (3) Never sleep with anyone whose troubles are worse than your own.
50972 The thrill is here, but it won't last long
50973 You'd better have your fun before it moves along...
50975 The time for action is past!
50976 Now is the time for senseless bickering.
50978 The time is right to make new friends.
50980 The time spent on any item of the agenda [of a finance
50981 committee] will be in inverse proportion to the sum involved.
50984 The time was the 19th of May, 1780. The place was Hartford, Connecticut.
50985 The day has gone down in New England history as a terrible foretaste of
50986 Judgement Day. For at noon the skies turned from blue to grey and by
50987 mid-afternoon had blackened over so densely that, in that religious age,
50988 men fell on their knees and begged a final blessing before the end came.
50989 The Connecticut House of Representatives was in session. And, as some of
50990 the men fell down and others clamored for an immediate adjournment, the
50991 Speaker of the House, one Col. Davenport, came to his feet. He silenced
50992 them and said these words: "The day of judgment is either approaching or
50993 it is not. If it is not, there is no cause for adjournment. If it is, I
50994 choose to be found doing my duty. I wish therefore that candles may be
50998 The tree in which the sap is stagnant remains fruitless.
51001 The Tree of Learning bears the noblest fruit, but noble fruit tastes bad.
51003 The tree of research must from time to time
51004 be refreshed with the blood of bean counters.
51007 The trouble is, there is an endless supply of White Men,
51008 but there has always been a limited number of Human Beings.
51011 The trouble with a kitten is that
51012 When it grows up, it's always a cat
51015 The trouble with a lot of self-made men is that they worship their creator.
51017 The trouble with being poor is that it takes up all your time.
51019 The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate
51021 -- Franklin P. Jones
51023 The trouble with being punctual is that people think you have nothing
51024 more important to do.
51026 The trouble with computers is that they do
51027 what you tell them, not what you want.
51030 The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody
51031 appreciates how difficult it was.
51033 The trouble with eating Italian food is that
51034 five or six days later you're hungry again.
51037 The trouble with heart disease is that the first
51038 symptom is often hard to deal with: death.
51041 The trouble with incest is that it gets you involved with relatives.
51042 -- George S. Kaufman
51044 The trouble with money is it costs too much!
51046 The trouble with opportunity is that it
51047 always comes disguised as hard work.
51048 -- Herbert V. Prochnow
51050 The trouble with some women is that they get
51051 all excited about nothing -- and then marry him.
51054 The trouble with superheros is what to do between phone booths.
51057 The trouble with telling a good story is that it invariably reminds
51058 the other fellow of a dull one.
51061 The trouble with the rat-race is that even if you win, you're still a rat.
51064 The trouble with this country is that there are too many politicians
51065 who believe, with a conviction based on experience, that you can fool
51066 all of the people all of the time.
51069 The trouble with you
51070 Is the trouble with me.
51072 But we still don't see.
51073 -- Robert Hunter, "Workingman's Dead"
51075 The true way goes over a rope which is not stretched at any great
51076 height but just above the ground. It seems more designed to make
51077 people stumble than to be walked upon.
51080 The truth about a man lies first and foremost in what he hides.
51083 The truth is rarely pure, and never simple.
51086 The truth is what is; what should be is a dirty lie.
51089 The truth of a proposition has nothing to do with its credibility. And
51092 The truth of a thing is the feel of it, not the think of it.
51095 The Truth Shall Rape You Over.
51098 The truth you speak has no past and no future.
51099 It is, and that's all it needs to be.
51101 The turtle lives 'twixt plated decks
51102 Which practically conceal its sex.
51103 I think it clever of the turtle
51104 In such a fix to be so fertile.
51107 The two most beautiful words in the English language are "Cheque Enclosed."
51110 "The two most common things in the universe are hydrogen and
51114 The two oldest professions in the world have been ruined by amateurs.
51115 -- George Bernard Shaw
51117 The two party system ... is a triumph of the dialectic. It showed that
51118 two could be one and one could be two and had probably been fabricated
51119 by Hegel for the American market on a subcontract from General Dynamics.
51122 The two things that can get you into trouble
51123 quicker than anything else are fast women and slow horses.
51125 The typewriting machine, when played with expression, is no more
51126 annoying than the piano when played by a sister or near relation.
51129 The, uh, snowy mountains are like really cold, eh?
51130 And the, um, plains stretch out like my moms girdle, eh?
51131 There's lotsa beers and doughnuts for everyone, eh?
51132 So the last one to be peaceful and everything is a big idiot,
51134 So shut yer face up and dry yer mukluks by the fire, eh?
51135 And dream about girls with their high beams on, eh?
51136 They may be cold, but that's okay! Beer's better that way!
51138 -- A, like, Tribute to the Great White North, eh?
51141 The ultimate game show will be the one
51142 where somebody gets killed at the end.
51143 -- Chuck Barris, creator of "The Gong Show"
51145 The unfacts, did we have them, are too
51146 imprecisely few to warrant out certitude.
51148 The United States also has its native Fascists who say that they are
51149 "100 percent American"...
51150 -- U. S. Army (1945)
51152 The United States is like the guy at the party who gives cocaine to
51153 everybody and still nobody likes him.
51156 The universe does not have laws -- it has habits, and habits can be
51159 The universe is all a spin-off of the Big Bang.
51161 The universe is an island,
51162 surrounded by whatever it is that surrounds universes.
51164 The universe is laughing behind your back.
51166 The universe is like a safe to which there is a combination -- but the
51167 combination is locked up in the safe.
51170 The Universe is populated by stable things.
51173 The universe is ruled by letting things take their course.
51174 It cannot be ruled by interfering.
51177 The universe seems neither benign nor hostile, merely indifferent.
51180 The University of California Bears announced the signing of Reggie
51181 Philbin to a letter of intent to attend Cal next Fall. Philbin is said
51182 to make up for no talent by cheating well. Says Philbin of his
51183 decision to attend Cal, "I'm in it for the free ride."
51185 The University of California Statistics Department; where mean is normal,
51186 and deviation standard.
51188 The UNIX philosophy basically involves giving you enough rope to
51189 hang yourself. And then a couple of feet more, just to be sure.
51191 The urge to gamble is so universal and its practice so pleasurable
51192 that I assume it must be evil.
51195 The USA is so enormous, and so numerous are its schools, colleges and
51196 religious seminaries, many devoted to special religious beliefs ranging
51197 from the unorthodox to the dotty, that we can hardly wonder at its
51198 yielding a more bounteous harvest of gobbledygook than the rest of the
51199 world put together.
51200 -- Sir Peter Medawar
51202 The use of anthropomorphic terminology when dealing with computing systems
51203 is a symptom of professional immaturity.
51204 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
51206 The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be
51207 regarded as a criminal offence.
51208 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5
51210 The use of money is all the advantage there is to having money.
51211 -- Benjamin Franklin
51213 The value of a program is proportional to the weight of its output.
51215 The verdict of a jury is the a priori opinion of that juror who smokes
51219 The very ink with which all history is written is merely fluid
51223 The very powerful and the very stupid have one thing in common.
51224 Instead of altering their views to fit the facts, they alter the facts
51225 to fit their views ... which can be very uncomfortable if you happen to
51226 be one of the facts that needs altering.
51227 -- Doctor Who, "Face of Evil"
51229 The very remembrance of my former misfortune proves a new one to me.
51230 -- Miguel de Cervantes
51232 The Vet Who Surprised A Cow
51233 In the course of his duties in August 1977, a Dutch veterinary
51234 surgeon was required to treat an ailing cow. To investigate its internal
51235 gases he inserted a tube into that end of the animal not capable of facial
51236 expression and struck a match. The jet of flame set fire first to some
51237 bales of hay and then to the whole farm causing damage estimate at L45,000.
51238 The vet was later fined L140 for starting a fire in a manner surprising to
51239 the magistrates. The cow escaped with shock.
51240 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
51242 The VFW represents many who died to give this country a second chance
51243 to make it what it is supposed to be -- God's guest house on earth.
51246 The volume of paper expands to fill the available briefcases.
51249 The voluptuous blond was chatting with her handsome escort in a posh
51250 restaurant when their waiter, stumbling as he brought their drinks,
51251 dumped a martini on the rocks down the back of the blonde's dress. She
51252 sprang to her feet with a wild rebel yell, dashed wildly around the table,
51253 then galloped wriggling from the room followed by her distraught boyfriend.
51254 A man seated on the other side of the room with a date of his own beckoned
51255 to the waiter and said, "We'll have two of whatever she was drinking."
51257 "The voters have spoken, the bastards ..."
51259 "The wages of sin are death; but after they're done taking out taxes,
51260 it's just a tired feeling:"
51262 The wages of sin are high but you get your money's worth.
51264 The wages of sin are unreported.
51266 The War on Drugs is just a small part of the War on the United States
51269 "The warning message we sent the Russians was a calculated ambiguity
51270 that would be clearly understood."
51273 The water was not fit to drink.
51274 To make it palatable, we had to add whiskey.
51275 By diligent effort, I learned to like it.
51276 -- Winston Churchill
51278 The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and
51279 incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks.
51282 The way of the world is to praise dead saints and prosecute live ones.
51285 The way some people find fault, you'd think there was some kind of reward.
51287 The way to a man's heart is through his
51288 wife's belly, and don't you forget it.
51289 -- Edward Albee, "Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?"
51291 The way to a man's heart is through the left ventricle.
51293 The way to a man's stomach is through his esophagus.
51295 The way to fight a woman is with your hat. Grab it and run.
51297 The way to love anything is to realize that it might be lost.
51299 "The way to make a small fortune in the commodities market is to start
51300 with a large fortune."
51302 The weather is here, I wish you were beautiful.
51303 My thoughts aren't too clear, but don't run away.
51304 My girlfriend's a bore; my job is too dutiful.
51305 Hell nobody's perfect, would you like to play?
51306 I feel together today!
51307 -- Jimmy Buffet, "Coconut Telegraph"
51309 The weed of crime bears bitter fruit.
51311 The weed of crime bears bitter fruit...
51312 but the leaves are good to smoke!
51315 The White Rabbit put on his spectacles.
51316 "Where shall I begin, please your Majesty?" he asked.
51317 "Begin at the beginning,", the King said, very gravely,
51318 "and go on till you come to the end: then stop."
51321 The white race is the cancer of history.
51324 The whole earth is in jail and we're plotting this incredible jailbreak.
51327 The whole of life is futile unless you
51328 consider it as a sporting proposition.
51330 The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always
51331 so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of doubts.
51332 -- Bertrand Russell
51334 The whole world is a scab. The point is to pick it constructively.
51337 The whole world is a tuxedo and you are a pair of brown shoes.
51340 The wind doth taste so bitter sweet,
51341 Like Jaspar wine and sugar,
51342 It must have blown through someone's feet,
51343 Like those of Caspar Weinberger.
51346 The wise and intelligent are coming belatedly to realize that alcohol, and
51347 not the dog, is man's best friend. Rover is taking a beating -- and he
51351 The wise man seeks everything in himself;
51352 the ignorant man tries to get everything from somebody else.
51354 The wise shepherd never trusts his flock to a smiling wolf.
51356 The woman hurried home from her doctor's appointment, devastated by the
51357 medical report she had just received. When her husband came in from work,
51358 she told him, "Darling, the doctor said I have only twelve more hours to
51359 live. So I've decided I want to go to bed and make passionate love to you
51360 throughout the night. How does that sound, dearest?"
51361 "Hey, that's fine for *you*," replied the husband. "You don't have
51362 to get up in the morning!"
51364 The wonderful thing about a dancing bear
51365 is not how well he dances, but that he dances at all.
51367 The work [of software development] is becoming far easier (i.e. the tools
51368 we're using work at a higher level, more removed from machine, peripheral
51369 and operating system imperatives) than it was twenty years ago, and because
51370 of this, knowledge of the internals of a system may become less accessible.
51371 We may be able to dig deeper holes, but unless we know how to build taller
51372 ladders, we had best hope that it does not rain much.
51375 The world has many unintentionally cruel mechanisms that are not
51376 designed for people who walk on their hands.
51377 -- John Irving, "The World According to Garp"
51379 The world is a comedy to those who think,
51380 and a tragedy to those who feel.
51383 The world is coming to an end. Please log off.
51385 The world is coming to an end! Repent and return those library books!
51387 The world is coming to an end ... SAVE YOUR BUFFERS!!!
51389 The world is full of people who have never, since
51390 childhood, met an open doorway with an open mind.
51393 The world is moving so fast these days that the man who says
51394 it can't be done is generally interrupted by someone doing it.
51397 The world is not octal despite DEC.
51399 The world is your exercise-book, the pages on which you do your sums.
51400 It is not reality, although you can express reality there if you wish.
51401 You are also free to write nonsense, or lies, or to tear the pages.
51402 -- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul
51404 The world needs more people like us and fewer like them.
51406 The world really isn't any worse.
51407 It's just that the news coverage is so much better.
51409 The world wants to be deceived.
51412 The world will end in 5 minutes. Please log out.
51414 The world's as ugly as sin,
51415 And almost as delightful.
51416 -- Frederick Locker-Lampson
51418 The world's great men have not commonly been great scholars,
51419 nor its great scholars great men.
51420 -- Oliver Wendell Holmes
51422 The Worst American Poet
51423 Julia Moore, "the Sweet Singer of Michigan" (1847-1920) was so bad that
51424 Mark Twain said her first book gave him joy for 20 years.
51425 Her verse was mainly concerned with violent death -- the great fire
51426 of Chicago and the yellow fever epidemic proved natural subjects for her
51428 Whether death was by drowning, by fits or by runaway sleigh, the
51429 formula was the same:
51430 Have you heard of the dreadful fate
51431 Of Mr. P. P. Bliss and wife?
51432 Of their death I will relate,
51433 And also others lost their life
51434 (in the) Ashbula Bridge disaster,
51435 Where so many people died.
51436 Even if you started out reasonably healthy in one of Julia's poems,
51437 the chances are that after a few stanzas you would be at the bottom of a
51438 river or struck by lightning. A critic of the day said she was "worse than
51439 a Gatling gun" and in one slim volume counted 21 killed and 9 wounded.
51440 Incredibly, some newspapers were critical of her work, even
51441 suggesting that the sweet singer was "semi-literate". Her reply was
51442 forthright: "The Editors that has spoken in this scandalous manner have went
51443 beyond reason." She added that "literary work is very difficult to do".
51444 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
51446 THE WORST ANIMAL RESCUE
51448 During the firemen's strike of 1978, the British Army had taken over
51449 emergency firefighting and on 14 January they were called out by an
51450 elderly lady in South London to retrieve her cat which had become trapped
51451 up a tree. They arrived with impressive haste and soon discharged their
51452 duty. So grateful was the lady that she invited them all in for tea.
51453 Driving off later, with fond farewells completed, they ran over the cat
51455 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
51457 THE WORST BANK ROBBERY
51459 In August 1975 three men were on their way in to rob the Royal Bank of
51460 Scotland at Rothesay, when they got stuck in the revolving doors. They
51461 had to be helped free by the staff and, after thanking everyone,
51462 sheepishly left the building.
51463 A few minutes later they returned and announced their intention of
51464 robbing the bank, but none of the staff believed them. When they demanded
51465 5,000 pounds in cash, the head cashier laughed at them, convinced that it
51466 was a practical joke.
51467 Then one of the men jumped over the counter, but fell to the floor
51468 clutching his ankle. The other two tried to make their getaway, but got
51469 trapped in the revolving doors again.
51471 The Worst Car Hire Service
51472 When David Schwartz left university in 1972, he set up Rent-a-wreck
51473 as a joke. Being a natural prankster, he acquired a fleet of beat-up
51474 shabby, wreckages waiting for the scrap heap in California.
51475 He put on a cap and looked forward to watching people's faces as he
51476 conducted them round the choice of bumperless, dented junkmobiles.
51477 To his lasting surprise there was an insatiable demand for them and
51478 he now has 26 thriving branches all over America. "People like driving
51479 round in the worst cars available," he said. Of course they do.
51480 "If a driver damages the side of a car and is honest enough to
51481 admit it, I tell him, `Forget it'. If they bring a car back late we
51482 overlook it. If they've had a crash and it doesn't involve another vehicle
51483 we might overlook that too."
51484 "Where's the ashtray?" asked on Los Angeles wife, as she settled
51485 into the ripped interior. "Honey," said her husband, "the whole car's the
51487 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
51489 The worst cliques are those which consist of one man.
51490 -- George Bernard Shaw
51492 THE WORST HOMING PIGEON
51494 This historic bird was released in Pembrokeshire in June 1953 and was
51495 expected to reach its base that evening. It was returned by post, dead,
51496 in a cardboard box eleven years later from Brazil.
51497 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
51499 The worst is enemy of the bad.
51501 The worst is not so long as we can say "This is the worst."
51505 A murder trial at Manitoba in February 1978 was well advanced, when
51506 one juror revealed that he was completely deaf and did not have the
51507 remotest clue what was happening.
51508 The judge, Mr. Justice Solomon, asked him if he had heard any
51509 evidence at all and, when there was no reply, dismissed him.
51510 The excitement which this caused was only equalled when a second
51511 juror revealed that he spoke not a word of English. A fluent French
51512 speaker, he exhibited great surprised when told, after two days, that he
51513 was hearing a murder trial.
51514 The trial was abandoned when a third juror said that he suffered
51515 from both conditions, being simultaneously unversed in the English language
51516 and nearly as deaf as the first juror.
51517 The judge ordered a retrial.
51518 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
51520 The Worst Lines of Verse
51521 For a start, we can rule out James Grainger's promising line:
51522 "Come, muse, let us sing of rats."
51523 Grainger (1721-67) did not have the courage of his convictions and deleted
51524 these words on discovering that his listeners dissolved into spontaneous
51525 laughter the instant they were read out.
51526 No such reluctance afflicted Adam Lindsay Gordon (1833-70) who was
51527 inspired by the subject of war.
51528 "Flash! flash! bang! bang! and we blazed away,
51529 And the grey roof reddened and rang;
51530 Flash! flash! and I felt his bullet flay
51531 The tip of my ear. Flash! bang!"
51532 By contrast, Cheshire cheese provoked John Armstrong (1709-79):
51533 "... that which Cestria sends, tenacious paste of solid milk..."
51534 While John Bidlake was guided by a compassion for vegetables:
51535 "The sluggard carrot sleeps his day in bed,
51536 The crippled pea alone that cannot stand."
51537 George Crabbe (1754-1832) wrote:
51538 "And I was ask'd and authorized to go
51539 To seek the firm of Clutterbuck and Co."
51540 William Balmford explored the possibilities of religious verse:
51541 "So 'tis with Christians, Nature being weak
51542 While in this world, are liable to leak."
51543 And William Wordsworth showed that he could do it if he really tried when
51545 "I've measured it from side to side;
51546 Tis three feet long and two feet wide."
51547 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
51549 The Worst Musical Trio
51550 There are few bad musicians who have a chance to give a recital at
51551 a famous concert hall while still learning the rudiments of their
51552 instrument. This happened about thirty years ago to the son of a Rumanian
51553 gentleman who was owed a personal favour by Georges Enesco, the celebrated
51554 violinist. Enesco agreed to give lessons to the son who was quite
51555 unhampered by great musical talent.
51556 Three years later the boy's father insisted that he give a public
51557 concert. "His aunt said that nobody plays the violin better than he does.
51558 A cousin heard him the other day and screamed with enthusiasm." Although
51559 Enesco feared the consequences, he arranged a recital at the Salle Gaveau
51560 in Paris. However, nobody bought a ticket since the soloist was unknown.
51561 "Then you must accompany him on the piano," said the boy's father,
51562 "and it will be a sell out."
51563 Reluctantly, Enesco agreed and it was. On the night an excited
51564 audience gathered. Before the concert began Enesco became nervous and
51565 asked for someone to turn his pages.
51566 In the audience was Alfred Cortot, the brilliant pianist, who
51567 volunteered and made his way to the stage.
51568 The soloist was of uniformly low standard and next morning the
51569 music critic of Le Figaro wrote: "There was a strange concert at the Salle
51570 Gaveau last night. The man whom we adore when he plays the violin played
51571 the piano. Another whom we adore when he plays the piano turned the pages.
51572 But the man who should have turned the pages played the violin."
51573 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
51575 The worst part of having success is trying
51576 to find someone who is happy for you.
51579 The worst part of valor is indiscretion.
51581 The Worst Prison Guards
51582 The largest number of convicts ever to escape simultaneously from a
51583 maximum security prison is 124. This record is held by Alcoente Prison,
51584 near Lisbon in Portugal.
51585 During the weeks leading up to the escape in July 1978 the prison
51586 warders had noticed that attendances had fallen at film shows which
51587 included "The Great Escape", and also that 220 knives and a huge quantity
51588 of electric cable had disappeared. A guard explained, "Yes, we were
51589 planning to look for them, but never got around to it." The warders had
51590 not, however, noticed the gaping holes in the wall because they were
51591 "covered with posters". Nor did they detect any of the spades, chisels,
51592 water hoses and electric drills amassed by the inmates in large quantities.
51593 The night before the breakout one guard had noticed that of the 36
51594 prisoners in his block only 13 were present. He said this was "normal"
51595 because inmates sometimes missed roll-call or hid, but usually came back
51597 "We only found out about the escape at 6:30 the next morning when
51598 one of the prisoners told us," a warder said later. [...] When they
51599 eventually checked, the prison guards found that exactly half of the gaol's
51600 population was missing. By way of explanation the Justice Minister, Dr.
51601 Santos Pais, claimed that the escape was "normal" and part of the
51602 "legitimate desire of the prisoner to regain his liberty."
51603 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
51605 The worst sin towards our fellow creatures is not to hate them,
51606 but to be indifferent to them; that's the essence of inhumanity.
51607 -- George Bernard Shaw
51609 The worst thing about some men is that when they are not drunk they
51611 -- William Butler Yeats
51613 The worst thing one can do is not to try, to be aware of what one
51614 wants and not give in to it, to spend years in silent hurt wondering
51615 if something could have materialized -- and never knowing.
51618 The Wright Brothers weren't the first to fly.
51619 They were just the first not to crash.
51621 The yankees, son, are up north.
51622 The damnyankees are down here.
51624 The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of
51625 four and eighteen. At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all
51628 The young Georgia miss came to the hospital for a checkup.
51629 "Have you been X-rayed?" asked the doctor.
51630 "Nope," she said, "but ah've been ultraviolated."
51632 The young lady had an unusual list,
51633 Linked in part to a structural weakness.
51634 She set no preconditions.
51636 The young man-about-town enjoyed luxury but didn't always have the means
51637 to buy it, and so he huffily walked out of the Miami Beach hotel when he
51638 found out the charges for room, meals and golf privileges were $300 a day.
51639 He registered across the street at an equally elegant hotel, where the
51640 rates were only $70. The following morning he went down to the hotel's
51641 golf course and asked Scotty, the pro, to sell him a couple of golf balls.
51642 "Sure," said Scotty. "That'll be $25 apiece."
51643 "What?" screamed the bachelor. "In the hotel across the street
51644 they only charge $1 a ball!"
51645 "Naturally," replied the pro. "Over there they get you by the
51648 THEGODDESSOFTHENETHASTWISTINGFINGERSANDHERVOICEISLIKEAJAVALININTHENIGHTDUDE
51650 Their idea of an offer you can't refuse is an offer...
51651 and you'd better not refuse.
51655 Then a man said: Speak to us of Expectations.
51657 He then said: If a man does not see or hear the waters of the Jordan,
51658 then he should not taste the pomegranate or ply his wares in an open
51661 If a man would not labour in the salt and rock quarries then he should
51662 not accept of the Earth that which he refuses to give of himself.
51664 Such a man would expect a pear of a peach tree.
51665 Such a man would expect a stone to lay an egg.
51666 Such a man would expect Sears to assemble a lawnmower.
51667 -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
51669 Then, gently touching my face, she hesitated for a moment as her
51670 incredible eyes poured forth into mine love, joy, pain, tragedy,
51671 acceptance, and peace. "'Bye for now," she said warmly.
51672 -- Thea Alexander, "2150 A.D."
51674 Then here's to the City of Boston,
51675 The town of the cries and the groans.
51676 Where the Cabots can't see the Kabotschniks,
51677 And the Lowells won't speak to the Cohns.
51678 -- Franklin Pierce Adams
51680 Then there was LSD, which was supposed to make you think you could fly.
51681 I remember it made you think you couldn't stand up, and mostly it was
51685 Then there was the Formosan bartender named Taiwan-On.
51687 Then there was the ScoutMaster who got a fantastic deal on this case of
51688 Tates brand compasses for his troup; only $1.25 each! Only problem was,
51689 when they got them out in the woods, the compasses were all stuck pointing
51690 to the "W" on the dial.
51693 He who has a Tates is lost!
51695 "Then you admit confirming not denying you ever said that?"
51696 "NO! ... I mean Yes! WHAT?"
51697 "I'll put `maybe.'"
51700 Theology is an attempt to explain a subject by men who do not understand
51701 it. The intent is not to tell the truth but to satisfy the questioner.
51704 Theorem: a cat has nine tails.
51706 No cat has eight tails. A cat has one tail more than no cat.
51707 Therefore, a cat has nine tails.
51709 Theorem: All positive integers are equal.
51710 Proof: Sufficient to show that for any two positive integers, A and B, A = B.
51711 Further, it is sufficient to show that for all N > 0, if A and B
51712 (positive integers) satisfy (MAX(A, B) = N) then A = B.
51714 Proceed by induction:
51715 If N = 1, then A and B, being positive integers, must both be 1.
51718 Assume that the theorem is true for some value k. Take A and B with
51719 MAX(A, B) = k+1. Then MAX((A-1), (B-1)) = k. And hence
51720 (A-1) = (B-1). Consequently, A = B.
51722 Theorem: All programs are dull.
51724 Proof: Assume the contrary; i.e., the set of interesting programs is
51725 nonempty. Arrange them (or it) in order of interest (note that all
51726 sets can be well ordered, so do it properly). The minimal element is
51727 the "least interesting program", the obvious dullness of which provides
51728 the contradictory denouement we so devoutly seek.
51729 -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
51732 System of ideas meant to explain something, chosen with a view to
51733 originality, controversialism, incomprehensibility, and how good
51734 it will look in print.
51736 Theory is gray, but the golden tree of life is green.
51739 Theory of Selective Supervision:
51740 The one time in the day that you lean back and relax is
51741 the one time the boss walks through the office.
51743 There ain't no such thing as a free lunch.
51746 There appears before you a threatening figure clad all over in heavy black
51747 armor. His legs seem like the massive trunk of the oak tree. His broad
51748 shoulders and helmeted head loom high over your own puny frame and you
51749 realize that his powerful arms could easily crush the very life from your
51750 body. There hangs from his belt a veritable arsenal of deadly weapons:
51751 sword, mace, ball and chain, dagger, lance, and trident.
51752 He speaks with a commanding voice:
51754 "YOU SHALL NOT PASS"
51756 As he grabs you by the neck all grows dim about you.
51758 There appears to be irrefutable evidence that
51759 the mere fact of overcrowding induces violence.
51762 There are a few things that never go out of style,
51763 and a feminine woman is one of them.
51766 There are a lot of lies going around.... and half of them are true.
51767 -- Winston Churchill
51769 There are bad times just around the corner,
51770 There are dark clouds hurtling through the sky
51771 And it's no good whining
51772 About a silver lining
51773 For we know from experience that they won't roll by...
51776 There are few people more often in the wrong
51777 than those who cannot endure to be thought so.
51779 There are few virtues that the Poles do not possess --
51780 and there are few mistakes they have ever avoided.
51781 -- Winston Churchill, Parliament, August, 1945
51783 There are four kinds of homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable,
51784 and praiseworthy ...
51785 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
51787 There are four kinds of homicide: felonious,
51788 excusable, justifiable, and praiseworthy...
51791 There are four stages to a marriage. First there's the affair, then there's
51792 the marriage, then children and finally the fourth stage, without which you
51793 cannot know a woman, the divorce.
51796 There are in this country two very large monopolies. The larger of the
51797 two has the following record: The Vietnam War, Watergate, double-digit
51798 inflation, fuel and energy shortages, bankrupt airlines, and the 8-cent
51799 postcard. The second is responsible for such things as the transistor,
51800 the solar cell, lasers, synthetic crystals, high fidelity stereo recording,
51801 sound motion pictures, radio astronomy, negative feedback, magnetic tape,
51802 magnetic "bubbles", electronic switching systems, microwave radio and TV
51803 relay systems, information theory, the first electrical digital computer,
51804 and the first communications satellite. Guess which one is going to tell
51805 the other how to run the telephone business? I can hardly wait for the
51808 There are many intelligent species in the universe. They all own
51811 There are many intelligent species in
51812 the universe, and they all own cats.
51814 There are many of us in this old world of ours who hold that things break
51815 about even for all of us. I have observed, for example, that we all get
51816 about the same amount of ice. The rich get it in the summer and the poor
51817 get it in the winter.
51820 There are many people today who literally do not have a close personal
51821 friend. They may know something that we don't. They are probably
51822 avoiding a great deal of pain.
51824 There are more dead people than living, and their numbers are increasing.
51827 There are more old drunkards than old doctors.
51829 There are more things in heaven and earth than any place else.
51831 There are more things in heaven and earth,
51832 Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy.
51835 There are more ways of killing a cat than choking her with cream.
51837 There are never any bugs you haven't found yet.
51839 There are new messages.
51841 There are no accidents whatsoever in the universe.
51844 There are no answers, only cross-references.
51847 There are no data that cannot be plotted on a straight line if the axes
51848 are chosen correctly.
51850 There are no emotional victims, only volunteers.
51852 There are no games on this system.
51854 There are no great men, buster. There are only men.
51855 -- Elaine Stewart, "The Bad and the Beautiful"
51857 There are no great men, only great challenges that
51858 ordinary men are forced by circumstances to meet.
51859 -- Admiral William Halsey
51861 There are no manifestos like cannon and musketry.
51862 -- The Duke of Wellington
51864 There are no physicists in the hottest parts of hell, because the
51865 existence of a "hottest part" implies a temperature difference, and any
51866 marginally competent physicist would immediately use this to run a heat
51867 engine and make some other part of hell comfortably cool. This is
51868 obviously impossible.
51869 -- Richard Davisson
51871 There are no rules for March. March is spring, sort
51872 of, usually, March means maybe, but don't bet on it.
51874 There are no winners in life, only survivors.
51876 There are only two kinds of men -- the dead and the deadly.
51879 There are only two kinds of tequila. Good and better.
51881 There are only two things in this world that I am sure of, death and
51882 taxes, and we just might do something about death one of these days.
51885 There are people so addicted to exaggeration that they can't tell the
51886 truth without lying.
51889 There are people who find it odd to eat four or five Chinese meals
51890 in a row; in China, I often remind them, there are a billion or so
51891 people who find nothing odd about it.
51894 There are places I'll remember
51895 All my life though some have changed.
51896 Some forever not for better
51897 Some have gone and some remain.
51898 All these places had their moments
51899 With lovers and friends I still recall.
51900 Some are dead and some are living,
51901 In my life I've loved them all.
51903 But of all these friends and lovers,
51904 There is no one compared with you,
51905 All these memories lose their meaning
51906 When I think of love as something new.
51907 Though I know I'll never lose affection
51908 For people and things that went before,
51909 I know I'll often stop and think about them
51910 In my life I'll love you more.
51911 -- Lennon/McCartney, "In My Life", 1965
51913 There are really not many jobs that actually require a penis or a
51914 vagina, and all other occupations should be open to everyone.
51917 There are running jobs.
51918 Why don't you go chase them?
51920 "There are some micro-organisms that exhibit characteristics of both
51921 plants and animals. When exposed to light they undergo photosynthesis;
51922 and when the lights go out, they turn into animals. But then again,
51925 There are strange things done in the midnight sun
51926 By the men who moil for gold;
51927 The Arctic trails have their secret tales
51928 That would make your blood run cold;
51929 The Northern Lights have seen queer sights,
51930 But the queerest they ever did see
51931 Was that night on the marge of Lake Lebarge
51932 I cremated Sam McGee.
51933 -- Robert W. Service
51935 There are ten or twenty basic truths, and life
51936 is the process of discovering them over and over and over.
51939 "There are those who claim that magic is like the tide; that it swells
51940 and fades over the surface of the earth, collecting in concentrated
51941 pools here and there, almost disappearing from other spots, leaving
51942 them parched for wonder. There are also those who believe that if you
51943 stick your fingers up your nose and blow, it will increase your
51945 -- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Volume VII
51947 There are three kinds of lies: Lies, Damned Lies, and Statistics.
51948 -- Benjamin Disraeli
51950 There are three kinds of people: men, women, and unix.
51952 "There are three possibilities: Pioneer's solar panel has turned away
51953 from the sun; there's a large meteor blocking transmission; or someone
51954 loaded Star Trek 3.2 into our video processor."
51956 There are three possibilities:
51957 Pioneer's solar panel has turned away from the sun;
51958 there's a large meteor blocking transmission;
51959 someone loaded Star Trek 3.2 into our video processor.
51961 There are three possible parts to a date, of which at least two must be
51962 offered: entertainment, food, and affection. It is customary to begin
51963 a series of dates with a great deal of entertainment, a moderate amount
51964 of food, and the merest suggestion of affection. As the amount of
51965 affection increases, the entertainment can be reduced proportionately.
51966 When the affection IS the entertainment, we no longer call it dating.
51967 Under no circumstances can the food be omitted.
51968 -- Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior
51970 "There are three principal ways to lose money: wine, women, and
51971 engineers. While the first two are more pleasant, the third is by far
51973 -- Baron Rothschild, ca. 1800
51975 There are three reasons for becoming a writer: the first is that you need
51976 the money; the second that you have something to say that you think the
51977 world should know; the third is that you can't think what to do with the
51978 long winter evenings.
51981 There are three rules for writing a novel.
51982 Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.
51985 There are three schools of magic. One: State a tautology, then ring
51986 the changes on its corollaries; that's philosophy. Two: Record many
51987 facts. Try to find a pattern. Then make a wrong guess at the next
51988 fact; that's science. Three: Be aware that you live in a malevolent
51989 Universe controlled by Murphy's Law, sometimes offset by Brewster's
51990 Factor; that's engineering.
51992 There are three things I always forget. Names, faces -- the third I
51996 There are three things I have always loved
51997 and never understood -- art, music, and women.
51999 There are three things men can do with women:
52000 love them, suffer for them, or turn them into literature.
52003 There are three ways to get something done:
52004 (1) Do it yourself.
52005 (2) Hire someone to do it for you.
52006 (3) Forbid your kids to do it.
52008 There are times when truth is stranger than fiction and lunch time is
52011 There are twenty-five people left in the world,
52012 and twenty-seven of them are hamburgers.
52015 There are two jazz musicians who are great buddies. They hang out and play
52016 together for years, virtually inseparable. Unfortunately, one of them is
52017 struck by a truck and killed. About a week later his friend wakes up in
52018 the middle of the night with a start because he can feel a presence in the
52019 room. He calls out, "Who's there? Who's there? What's going on?"
52020 "It's me -- Bob," replies a faraway voice.
52021 Excitedly he sits up in bed. "Bob! Bob! Is that you? Where are
52023 "Well," says the voice, "I'm in heaven now."
52024 "Heaven! You're in heaven! That's wonderful! What's it like?"
52025 "It's great, man. I gotta tell you, I'm jamming up here every day.
52026 I'm playing with Bird, and 'Trane, and Count Basie drops in all the time!
52027 Man it is smokin'!"
52028 "Oh, wow!" says his friend. "That sounds fantastic, tell me more,
52030 "Let me put it this way," continues the voice. "There's good news
52031 and bad news. The good news is that these guys are in top form. I mean
52032 I have *never* heard them sound better. They are *wailing* up here."
52033 "The bad news is that God has this girlfriend that sings..."
52035 There are two kinds of fool. One says, "This is old, and therefore good."
52036 And one says, "This is new, and therefore better"
52037 -- John Brunner, "The Shockwave Rider"
52039 There are two kinds of pedestrians... the quick and the dead.
52040 -- Lord Thomas Robert Dewar
52042 There are two kinds of solar-heat systems: "passive" systems collect
52043 the sunlight that hits your home, and "active" systems collect the
52044 sunlight that hits your neighbors' homes, too.
52045 -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler"
52047 There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX.
52048 We don't believe this to be a coincidence.
52049 -- Jeremy S. Anderson
52051 There are two problems with a major hangover. You feel
52052 like you are going to die and you're afraid that you won't.
52054 There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman -- before
52055 marriage and after marriage.
52057 There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good
52058 sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.
52061 "There are two ways of constructing a software design: One way is to
52062 make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the
52063 other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious
52067 There are two ways of disliking art.
52068 One is to dislike it.
52069 The other is to like it rationally.
52072 "There are two ways of disliking poetry; one way is to dislike it, the
52073 other is to read Pope."
52076 There are two ways to write error-free programs. Only the third one
52079 There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a
52080 suitable application of high explosives.
52082 There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening
52083 with an insurance salesman?
52086 There be sober men a'plenty, and drunkards barely twenty; there are men
52087 of over ninety who have never yet kissed a girl. But give me the rambling
52088 rover, from Orkney down to Dover, we will roam the whole world over, and
52089 together we'll face the world.
52090 -- Andy Stewart, "After the Hush"
52092 There but for the grace of God, goes God.
52093 -- Winston Churchill, speaking of Sir Stafford Cripps
52095 There can be no daily democracy without daily citizenship.
52098 There can be no twisted thought without a twisted molecule.
52101 There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.
52104 There comes a time in the affairs of a man when he
52105 has to take the bull by the tail and face the situation.
52108 There comes a time to stop being angry.
52109 -- A Small Circle of Friends
52111 There exist tasks which cannot be done by more than 10 men or fewer
52115 There goes the good time that was had by all.
52116 -- Bette Davis, remarking on a passing starlet
52118 There has also been some work to allow the interesting use of macro names.
52119 For example, if you wanted all of your "creat()" calls to include read
52120 permissions for everyone, you could say
52122 #define creat(file, mode) creat(file, mode | 0444)
52124 I would recommend against this kind of thing in general, since it
52125 hides the changed semantics of "creat()" in a macro, potentially far away
52127 To allow this use of macros, the preprocessor uses a process that
52128 is worth describing, if for no other reason than that we get to use one of
52129 the more amusing terms introduced into the C lexicon. While a macro is
52130 being expanded, it is temporarily undefined, and any recurrence of the macro
52131 name is "painted blue" -- I kid you not, this is the official terminology
52132 -- so that in future scans of the text the macro will not be expanded
52133 recursively. (I do not know why the color blue was chosen; I'm sure it
52134 was the result of a long debate, spread over several meetings.)
52135 -- From Ken Arnold's "C Advisor" column in Unix Review
52137 There has been a little distress selling on the stock exchange.
52138 -- Thomas W. Lamont, October 29, 1929
52140 There has been an alarming increase in the number of things you know
52143 There is a 20% chance of tomorrow.
52145 There is a building with four floors. On the first floor, there
52146 is a convention of architects. On the second floor, there is a
52147 vinyl manufacturing plant. On the third floor there is a fast food
52148 stand, and on the fourth floor there is a library.
52150 Q: What would happen if a librarian traveled down in a small
52151 elevator with one other person from each floor?
52152 A: The elevator would be full.
52154 There is a certain frame of mind to which a cemetery
52155 is, if not an antidote, at least an alleviation. If
52156 you are in a fit of the blues, go nowhere else.
52157 -- Robert Louis Stevenson, "Immortelles"
52159 There is a certain impertinence in allowing oneself to be burned for an
52163 There is a fly on your nose.
52165 There is a good deal of solemn cant about the common interests of capital
52166 and labour. As matters stand, their only common interest is that of cutting
52167 each other's throat.
52168 -- Brooks Atkinson, "Once Around the Sun"
52170 There is a great discovery still to be made in Literature: that of
52171 paying literary men by the quantity they do NOT write.
52173 There is a green, multi-legged creature crawling on your shoulder.
52175 There is a limit to the admiration we may hold for a man who spends
52176 his waking hours poking the contents of chickens with a stick.
52177 -- Tom Robbins, "Jitterbug Perfume"
52179 There is a Massachusetts law requiring all dogs to have their hind legs
52180 tied during the month of April.
52182 There is a natural hootchy-kootchy to a goldfish.
52185 There is a new anti-communist organization that advocates the use of
52186 wooden toilet seats.
52188 It's called the Birch John Society.
52190 There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly
52191 what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly
52192 disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and
52195 There is another theory which states that this has already happened.
52196 -- Douglas Adams, "The Restaurant at the End of the Universe"
52198 There is a time in the tides of men,
52199 Which, taken at its flood, leads on to success.
52200 On the other hand, don't count on it.
52203 There is a vast difference between the savage and civilized man, but it
52204 is never apparent to their wives until after breakfast.
52207 There is always more hell that needs raising.
52210 There is always one thing to remember: writers are always selling
52212 -- Joan Didion, "Slouching Towards Bethlehem"
52214 There is always someone worse off than yourself.
52216 There is always something new out of Africa.
52217 -- Gaius Plinius Secundus
52219 There is an innocence in admiration; it is found in those to whom it
52220 has not yet occurred that they, too, might be admired some day.
52221 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
52223 There is an old time toast which is golden for its beauty.
52224 "When you ascend the hill of prosperity may you not meet a friend."
52227 There is brutality and there is honesty.
52228 There is no such thing as brutal honesty.
52230 There is grandeur in this view of life, with its several powers,
52231 having been originally breathed into a few forms or into one; and that,
52232 whilst this planet has gone cycling on according to the fixed law of
52233 gravity, from so simple a beginning endless forms most beautiful and
52234 most wonderful have been, and are being, evolved.
52237 There is hardly a thing in the world that some man can
52238 not make a little worse and sell a little cheaper.
52240 "There is hopeful symbolism in the fact that flags do not wave in a
52242 -- Arthur C. Clarke
52244 There is in certain living souls
52245 A quality of loneliness unspeakable,
52246 So great it must be shared
52247 As company is shared by lesser beings.
52248 Such a loneliness is mine; so know by this
52250 There is one lonelier than you.
52252 There is, in fact, no reason to believe that any given natural phenomenon,
52253 however marvelous it may seem today, will remain forever inexplicable.
52254 Soon or late the laws governing the production of life itself will be
52255 discovered in the laboratory, and man may set up business as a creator
52256 on his own account. The thing, indeed, is not only conceivable; it is
52257 even highly probable.
52258 -- H. L. Mencken, 1930
52260 There *__
\b\bis* intelligent life on Earth, but I leave for Texas on Monday.
52262 There is is no reason for any individual to have a computer in their home.
52263 -- Ken Olsen (President of Digital Equipment Corporation),
52264 Convention of the World Future Society, in Boston, 1977
52266 There is Jackson standing like a stone wall. Let us determine to die,
52267 and we will conquer. Follow me.
52268 -- General Barnard E. Bee (CSA)
52270 There is more simplicity in a man who eats caviar on impulse than in a
52271 man who eats Grapenuts on principle.
52272 -- G. K. Chesterton
52274 There is more simplicity in the man who eats caviar on impulse than in the
52275 man who eats Grap-Nuts on principle.
52276 -- G. K. Chesterton
52278 There is more to life than increasing its speed.
52281 There is more to life than increasing its speed.
52282 -- Mohandas K. Gandhi
52284 There is much Obi-Wan did not tell you.
52287 There is never enough time to do it right the first time, but there is
52288 always enough time to do it over.
52290 There is never time to do it right, but always time to do it over.
52292 There is no act of treachery or mean-ness of which a political party
52293 is not capable; for in politics there is no honour.
52294 -- Benjamin Disraeli, "Vivian Grey"
52296 There is no bad taste. There is only good taste, and that is bad.
52297 -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967)
52299 There is no better way of exercising the imagination than the study of law.
52300 No poet ever interpreted nature as freely as a lawyer interprets truth.
52301 -- Jean Giraudoux, "Tiger at the Gates"
52303 There is no better way to exercise the imagination than the study of the law.
52304 No artist ever interpreted nature as freely as a lawyer interprets the truth.
52307 "There is no choice before us. Either we must Succeed in providing
52308 the rational coordination of impulses and guts, or for centuries
52309 civilization will sink into a mere welter of minor excitements.
52310 We must provide a Great Age or see the collapse of the upward
52311 striving of the human race"
52312 -- Alfred North Whitehead
52314 There is no comfort without pain; thus
52315 we define salvation through suffering.
52318 There is no cure for birth and death other than to enjoy the interval.
52319 -- George Santayana
52321 There is no delight the equal of dread.
52322 As long as it is somebody else's.
52325 There is no distinction between any AI program and some existent game.
52327 There is no distinctly native American criminal class except Congress.
52330 There is no doubt that my lawyer is honest. For example, when he
52331 filed his income tax return last year, he declared half of his salary
52332 as "unearned income."
52335 There is no education that is not political. An apolitical
52336 education is also political because it is purposely isolating.
52338 There is no Father Christmas. It's just a marketing ploy to make low income
52339 parents' lives a misery. ... I want you to picture the trusting face of a
52340 child, streaked with tears because of what you just said. I want you to
52341 picture the face of its mother, because one week's dole won't pay for one
52342 Master of the Universe Battlecruiser!
52343 -- Filthy Rich and Catflap
52345 There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear.
52347 There is no fool to the old fool.
52350 There is no future in time travel.
52352 There is no grief which time does not lessen and soften.
52354 There is no hunting like the hunting of man, and those who have hunted
52355 armed men long enough and liked it, never care for anything else thereafter.
52356 -- Ernest Hemingway
52358 There is no likelihood man can ever tap the power of the atom.
52359 -- Robert Millikan, Nobel Prize in Physics, 1923
52361 There is no need to do any housework at all. After the first four years
52362 the dirt doesn't get any worse.
52365 There is no ox so dumb as the orthodox.
52366 -- George Francis Gillette
52368 There is no point in waiting.
52369 The train stopped running years ago.
52370 All the schedules, the brochures,
52371 The bright-colored posters full of lies,
52372 Promise rides to a distant country
52373 That no longer exists.
52375 There is no proverb that is not true.
52378 There is no realizable power that man cannot, in time, fashion the
52379 tools to attain, nor any power so secure that the naked ape will not
52380 abuse it. So it is written in the genetic cards -- only physics and
52381 war hold him in check. And also the wife who wants him home by five,
52383 -- Encyclopedia Apocryphia, 1990 ed.
52385 There is no reason for any individual to have a computer in their home.
52386 -- Ken Olsen, President of DEC, World Future Society
52389 There is no royal road to geometry.
52392 There is no sadder sight than a young pessimist.
52394 There is no satisfaction in hanging a man who does not object to it.
52395 -- George Bernard Shaw
52397 There is no security on this earth. There is only opportunity.
52398 -- General Douglas MacArthur
52400 There is no sin but ignorance.
52401 -- Christopher Marlowe
52403 There is no sincerer love than the love of food.
52404 -- George Bernard Shaw
52406 There is no statute of limitations on stupidity.
52408 There is no substitute for good manners, except, perhaps, fast reflexes.
52410 There *is* no such thing as a civil engineer.
52412 There is no such thing as a free lunch.
52414 There is no such thing as a problem without a gift for you in its hands.
52416 There is no such thing as an ugly woman -- there are only
52417 the ones who do not know how to make themselves attractive.
52420 There is no such thing as fortune. Try again.
52422 There is no such thing as inner peace. There is only nervousness or death.
52423 Any attempt to prove otherwise constitutes unacceptable behaviour.
52424 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life"
52426 There is no such thing as pure pleasure;
52427 some anxiety always goes with it.
52429 There is no time like the pleasant.
52431 There is no time like the present for postponing what you ought to be
52434 There is no TRUTH. There is no REALITY. There is no CONSISTENCY.
52435 There are no ABSOLUTE STATEMENTS. I'm very probably wrong.
52437 There is not a man in the country that can't make a living for himself and
52438 family. But he can't make a living for them *and* his government, too,
52439 the way his government is living. What the government has got to do is
52440 live as cheap as the people.
52441 -- The Best of Will Rogers
52443 There is not much to choose between a woman who deceives
52444 us for another, and a woman who deceives another for ourselves.
52447 There is not opinion so absurd that some philosopher will not express it.
52448 -- Marcus Tullius Cicero, "Ad familiares"
52450 There is nothing more exhilarating than to be shot at without result.
52451 -- Winston Churchill
52453 There is nothing more silly than a silly laugh.
52454 -- Gaius Valerius Catullus
52456 There is nothing new except what has been forgotten.
52457 -- Marie Antoinette
52459 There is nothing so easy but that it becomes difficult
52460 when you do it reluctantly.
52461 -- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence)
52463 There is nothing stranger in a strange land than the stranger who
52466 "There is nothing which cannot be answered by means of my doctrine,"
52467 said a monk, coming into a teahouse where Nasrudin sat. "And yet just
52468 a short time ago, I was challenged by a scholar with an unanswerable
52469 question," said Nasrudin. "I could have answered it if I had been
52470 there." "Very well. He asked, 'Why are you breaking into my house in
52471 the middle of the night?'"
52473 There is nothing wrong with abstinence, in moderation.
52475 There is nothing wrong with Southern California that a rise in the
52476 ocean level wouldn't cure.
52479 There is nothing wrong with writing ... as long as it
52480 is done in private and you wash your hands afterward.
52482 There is one difference between a tax collector and
52483 a taxidermist -- the taxidermist leaves the hide.
52486 There is one way to find out if a man is honest -- ask him. If he says
52487 "Yes" you know he is crooked.
52490 There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and
52491 that is not being talked about.
52494 There is only one way to be happy by means of the heart -- to have none.
52497 There is only one way to console a widow. But remember the risk.
52498 -- Robert A. Heinlein
52500 There is only one way to kill capitalism --
52501 by taxes, taxes, and more taxes.
52504 There is only one word for aid that is genuinely without strings,
52505 and that word is blackmail.
52508 There is perhaps in every thing of any consequence, secret history, which
52509 it would be amusing to know, could we have it authentically communicated.
52512 There is plenty of time before progress goes too far.
52513 -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967)
52515 There is something fascinating about science. One gets such wholesale
52516 returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact.
52519 There is something in the pang of change
52520 More than the heart can bear,
52521 Unhappiness remembering happiness.
52524 There is very little future in being right when your boss is wrong.
52526 There isn't room enough in this dress for both of us!
52528 There may be said to be two classes of people in the world; those who
52529 constantly divide the people of the world into two classes and those
52533 There must be at least 500,000,000 rats in the United
52534 States; of course, I never heard the story before.
52536 There must be more to life than having everything.
52539 There never was a good war or a bad peace.
52540 -- Benjamin Franklin
52542 There once was a girl named Irene
52543 Who lived on distilled kerosene
52544 But she started absorbin'
52546 And since then has never benzene.
52548 There once was a king who ruled his country long, wisely, and well. The
52549 king had a son whom he hoped would someday rule the land. He also wished
52550 in his heart that the son ould be wise and compassionate. One day he said
52552 "If you promised that you would give a certain women anything, even
52553 half of your kingdom, and then she demanded the life of your best friend,
52554 what would your decision be, my son?"
52555 The young prince thought for a moment and then said, "I would tell
52556 her that she was my best friend, and cut her head off."
52557 The king knew that his son would be a great king.
52559 There once was a king who ruled his country long, wisely, and well. The
52560 king had a son whom he hoped would someday rule the land. He also wished
52561 in his heart that the son ould be wise and compassionate. One day he said
52563 "If you promised that you would give a certain women anything, even
52564 half of your kingdom, and then she demanded the life of your best friend,
52565 what would your decision be, my son?"
52566 The young prince thought for a moment and then said, "I would tell
52567 her that the life of my best friend did not lie in the half of the kingdom
52568 that I had promised."
52569 The king knew that his son would be a great king.
52571 There once was a member of Mensa
52572 Who was a most excellent fencer.
52573 The sword that he used
52574 Was his -- (line is refused,
52575 And has now been removed by the censor).
52577 There once was an old man from Esser,
52578 Who's knowledge grew lesser and lesser.
52579 It at last grew so small,
52580 He knew nothing at all,
52581 And now he's a College Professor.
52583 There seems no plan because it is all plan.
52586 "There was a boy called Eustace Clarence Scrubb, and he almost deserved
52588 -- C. S. Lewis, "The Chronicles of Narnia"
52590 There was a little girl
52591 Who had a little curl
52592 Right in the middle of her forehead.
52593 When she was good, she was very, very good
52594 And when she was bad, she was very, very popular.
52595 -- Max Miller, "The Max Miller Blue Book"
52597 There was a man who enjoyed playing golf, and could occasionally put up
52598 with taking in a round with his wife. One time (with his wife along) he
52599 was having an extremely bad round. On the 12th hole, he sliced a drive
52600 over by a grounds-keepers' shack. Although he did not have a clear shot
52601 to the green, his wife noticed that there were two doors on the shack,
52602 and there was a possibility that, if both doors were opened, he might be
52603 able to hit through. Without hesitation, he instructed his wife to go
52604 around to the other side and open the far door. Sure enough, this gave
52605 him a clear path to the green. He stepped up to his ball and prepared
52606 to hit. His wife had been standing by the far door waiting for him to
52607 hit through. After a moment, she became curious and stuck her head in
52608 the doorway, to see what he was doing. At that exact moment, the husband
52609 cracked a three-wood that hit his wife square on the forehead, killing
52610 her instantly. A few weeks later, the man was playing a round at the same
52611 course, this time with a friend of his. Once again on the 12th hole, he
52612 sliced his drive to the shack. His friend suggested that he might be able
52613 to hit through, if he was to open both doors.
52614 "Nah", replied the man, "Last time I did that I took a 7".
52616 There was a phone call for you.
52618 There was a plane crash over mid-ocean, and only three survivors were
52619 left in the life-raft: the Pope, the President, and Mayor Daley.
52620 Unfortunately, it was a one-man life-raft, and quickly sinking, so they
52621 started debating who should be allowed to stay.
52623 The Pope pointed out that he was the spiritual leader of millions all
52624 over the world, the President explained that if he died then America
52625 would be stuck with the Vice-President, and so forth. Then Mayor Daley
52626 said, "Look! We're not solving anything like this! The only fair
52627 thing to do is to vote on it." So they did, and Mayor Daley won by 97
52630 There was a writer in 'Life' magazine ... who claimed that rabbits have
52631 no memory, which is one of their defensive mechanisms. If they recalled
52632 every close shave they had in the course of just an hour life would become
52636 There was a young lady from Hyde
52637 Who ate a green apple and died.
52638 While her lover lamented
52639 The apple fermented
52640 And made cider inside her inside.
52642 There was a young man from Brazil,
52643 And a lady who'd not take the pill,
52644 They lay on the sofa,
52645 And a
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52649 There was a young man from LeDoux,
52650 Whose limericks stopped at line two.
52652 There was a young man from Verdunne.
52654 [Actually, there are three limericks in this series, the third one
52655 is about some guy named Nero. If anyone has a copy of it, please
52656 mail it to "fortune". Ed.]
52658 There was a young man who said "God,
52659 I find it exceedingly odd,
52660 That the willow oak tree
52662 When there's no one about in the Quad."
52664 "Dear Sir, your astonishment's odd,
52665 For I'm always about in the Quad;
52666 And that's why the tree,
52668 Signed "Yours faithfully, God."
52670 There was a young poet named Dan,
52671 Whose poetry never would scan.
52672 When told this was so,
52673 He said, "Yes, I know.
52674 It's because I try to put every possible syllable into that last line that I can."
52676 "There was an interesting development in the CBS-Westmoreland trial:
52677 both sides agreed that after the trial, Andy Rooney would be allowed to
52678 talk to the jury for three minutes about little things that annoyed him
52682 There was an old Indian belief that by making love on the hide of
52683 their favorite animal, one could guarantee the health and prosperity
52684 of the offspring conceived thereupon. And so it goes that one Indian
52685 couple made love on a buffalo hide. Nine months later, they were
52686 blessed with a healthy baby son. Yet another couple huddled together
52687 on the hide of a deer and they too were blessed with a very healthy
52688 baby son. But a third couple, whose favorite animal was a hippopotamus,
52689 were blessed with not one, but TWO very healthy baby sons at the conclusion
52690 of the nine month interval. All of which proves the old theorem that:
52691 The sons of the squaw of the hippopotamus are equal to the sons of
52692 the squaws of the other two hides.
52694 There was, it appeared, a mysterious rite of initiation through which,
52695 in one way or another, almost every member of the team passed. The term
52696 that the old hands used for this rite -- West invented the term, not the
52697 practice -- was `signing up.' By signing up for the project you agreed
52698 to do whatever was necessary for success. You agreed to forsake, if
52699 necessary, family, hobbies, and friends -- if you had any of these left
52700 (and you might not, if you had signed up too many times before).
52701 -- Tracy Kidder, "The Soul of a New Machine"
52703 There was this New Yorker that had a lifelong ambition to be an Texan.
52704 Fortunately, he had an Texan friend and went to him for advice. "Mike,
52705 you know I've always wanted to be a Texan. You're a *real* Texan, what
52707 "Well," answered Mike, "The first thing you've got to do is look
52708 like a Texan. That means you have to dress right. The second thing
52709 you've got to do is speak in a southern drawl."
52710 "Thanks, Mike, I'll give it a try," replied the New Yorker.
52711 A few weeks passed and the New Yorker saunters into a store dressed
52712 in a ten-gallon hat, cowboy boots, Levi jeans and a bandanna. "Hey, there,
52713 pardner, I'd like some beef, not too rare, and some of them fresh biscuits,"
52714 he tells the counterman.
52715 The guy behind the counter takes a long look at him and then says,
52716 "You must be from New York."
52717 The New Yorker blushes, and says, "Well, yes, I am. How did
52719 "Because this is a hardware store."
52721 There were in this country two very large monopolies. The larger of
52722 the two had the following record: the Vietnam War, Watergate, double-
52723 digit inflation, fuel and energy shortages, bankrupt airlines, and the
52724 8-cent postcard. The second was responsible for such things as the
52725 transistor, the solar cell, lasers, synthetic crystals, high fidelity
52726 stereo recording, sound motion pictures, radio astronomy, negative
52727 feedback, magnetic tape, magnetic "bubbles", electronic switching
52728 systems, microwave radio and TV relay systems, information theory, the
52729 first electrical digital computer, and the first communications
52730 satellite. Guess which one got to tell the other how to run the
52731 telephone business?
52733 There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when
52734 the boss asks for a lift home from office.
52736 There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when
52737 the boss asks for a lift home from the office.
52739 There will be big changes for you but you will be happy.
52741 There will be sex after death, we just won't be able to feel it.
52744 Therefore it is necessary to learn how not to be good, and to use
52745 this knowledge and not use it, according to the necessity of the cause.
52748 There's a couple of million dollars worth of baseball talent on the loose,
52749 ready for the big leagues, yet unsigned by any major league. There are
52750 pitchers who would win 20 games a season ... and outfielders [who] could
52751 hit .350, infielders who could win recognition as stars, and there's at
52752 least one catcher who at this writing is probably superior to Bill Dickey,
52753 Josh Gibson. Only one thing is keeping them out of the big leagues, the
52754 pigmentation of their skin. They happen to be colored.
52755 -- Shirley Povich, 1941
52757 There's a fine line between courage and foolishness. Too bad it's not
52760 There's a lesson that I need to remember
52761 When everything is falling apart
52762 In life, just like in loving
52763 There's such a thing as trying to hard
52766 Like you don't need the money
52767 Love like you'll never get hurt
52769 Like nobody's watching
52770 It's gotta come from the heart
52771 If you want it to work.
52774 There's a long-standing bug relating to the x86 architecture that
52775 allows you to install Windows.
52776 -- Matthew D. Fuller
52778 There's a lot to be said for not saying a lot.
52780 There's a man deeply in debt, see, and he takes the money he has left
52781 and goes to Monte Carlo to try to recoup at the roulette tables. Won a
52782 little, lost a lot, and was down to his last franc. Prayed for help.
52783 A voice whispered in his ear: "Le rouge..." Man looked around; nobody
52784 there. What the hell -- he puts his last franc on the red, and it won.
52785 The voice immediately said, "Encore le rouge..." Played red again, and
52786 it won again. The voice said, "Impair..." Played odd, and it won. Voice
52787 said, "Quinze..." so he put all the money on 15, and it won. This went
52788 on for hours, the voice telling him what to bet, and the man putting all
52789 his money on what the voice said, and winning. Finally when the voice
52790 spoke, the man protested that he'd won millions of dollars and wanted to
52791 quit. The voice was inexorable: "Douze..." The man put the money on 12,
52792 and 11 came up -- he had lost everything -- the voice murmured "Merde!!"
52794 There's a thrill in store for all for we're about to toast
52795 The corporation that we represent.
52796 We're here to cheer each pioneer and also proudly boast,
52797 Of that man of men our sterling president
52798 The name of T. J. Watson means
52799 A courage none can stem
52800 And we feel honored to be here to toast the IBM.
52801 -- Ever Onward, from the 1940 IBM Songbook
52803 There's a trick to the Graceful Exit. It begins with the vision to
52804 recognize when a job, a life stage, a relationship is over -- and to
52805 let go. It means leaving what's over without denying its validity
52806 or its past importance in our lives. It involves a sense of future,
52807 a belief that every exit line is an entry, that we are moving on,
52808 rather than out. The trick of retiring well may be the trick of
52809 living well. It's hard to recognize that life isn't a holding
52810 action, but a process. It's hard to learn that we don't leave the
52811 best parts of ourselves behind, back in the dugout or the office.
52812 We own what we learned back there. The experiences and the growth
52813 are grafted onto our lives. And when we exit, we can take ourselves
52814 along -- quite gracefully.
52817 There's a whole WORLD in a mud puddle!
52820 There's always free cheese in a mousetrap.
52822 There's an old proverb that says just about whatever you want it to.
52824 There's got to be more to life than compile-and-go.
52826 There's just something I don't like about Virginia; the state.
52828 There's little in taking or giving,
52829 There's little in water or wine:
52830 This living, this living, this living,
52831 Was never a project of mine.
52832 Oh, hard is the struggle, and sparse is
52833 The gain of the one at the top,
52834 For art is a form of catharsis,
52835 And love is a permanent flop,
52836 And work is the province of cattle,
52837 And rest's for a clam in a shell,
52838 So I'm thinking of throwing the battle --
52839 Would you kindly direct me to hell?
52842 There's no easy quick way out, we're gonna have to live through our
52843 whole lives, win, lose, or draw.
52846 There's no future in time travel.
52848 There's no heavier burden than a great potential.
52850 There's no justice in this world.
52851 -- Frank Costello, on the prosecution of "Lucky" Luciano by
52852 New York district attorney Thomas Dewey after Luciano had
52853 saved Dewey from assassination by Dutch Schultz (by ordering
52854 the assassination of Schultz instead)
52857 There's no point in being grown up if you can't be childish sometimes.
52860 There's no real need to do housework -- after four years it doesn't get
52863 There's no room in the drug world for amateurs.
52865 There's no saint like a reformed sinner.
52867 There's no sense in being precise when you don't even know
52868 what you're talking about.
52869 -- John von Neumann
52871 There's no such thing as an original sin.
52874 There's no such thing as pure pleasure; some anxiety always goes with it.
52876 There's no time like the pleasant.
52878 There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government
52882 There's no use being precise about something
52883 when you don't even know what you're talking about.
52884 -- John von Neumann
52886 There's no use in having a dog and doing your own barking.
52888 "There's nothing in the middle of the road but a yellow stripe and dead
52890 -- Jim Hightower, Texas Agricultural Commissioner
52892 There's nothing like a girl with a plunging
52893 neckline to keep a man on his toes.
52895 There's nothing like a good does of another woman to make a man appreciate
52897 -- Clare Booth Luce
52899 There's nothing like good food, good wine, and a bad girl.
52901 There's nothing like the face of a kid eating a Hershey bar.
52903 There's nothing remarkable about it. All one has to do is hit the right
52904 keys at the right time and the instrument plays itself.
52907 There's nothing so precious as a cafe full of Gap kiddies trying to
52908 work out whether you're really wearing rubber pants.
52911 There's nothing to writing. All you do is sit at a typewriter
52915 There's nothing very mysterious about you, except that
52916 nobody really knows your origin, purpose, or destination.
52918 There's nothing worse for your business than
52919 extra Santa Clauses smoking in the men's room.
52922 "There's nothing wrong with teenagers that reasoning with them won't
52925 There's one consolation about matrimony. When you look around you can
52926 always see somebody who did worse.
52927 -- Warren H. Goldsmith
52929 There's one fool at least in every married couple.
52931 There's only one everything.
52933 There's only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn
52934 what it is I'll get married again.
52937 There's small choice in rotten apples.
52938 -- William Shakespeare, "The Taming of the Shrew"
52940 There's so much plastic in this culture that vinyl leopard skin is
52941 becoming an endangered synthetic.
52944 There's so much to say but your eyes keep interrupting me.
52946 There's something different about us -- different from people of Europe,
52947 Africa, Asia ... a deep and abiding belief in the Easter Bunny.
52950 There's something the technicians need to learn from the artists.
52951 If it isn't aesthetically pleasing, it's probably wrong.
52953 There's such a thing as too much point on a pencil.
52954 -- H. Allen Smith, "Let the Crabgrass Grow"
52956 There's too much beauty upon this earth for lonely men to bear.
52957 -- Richard Le Gallienne
52959 These activities have their own rules and methods
52960 of concealment which seek to mislead and obscure.
52961 -- Dwight D. Eisenhower, 1960
52963 "These are DARK TIMES for all mankind's HIGHEST VALUES!"
52964 "These are DARK TIMES for FREEDOM and PROSPERITY!"
52965 "These are GREAT TIMES to put your money on BAD GUY to kick the CRAP
52966 out of MEGATON MAN!"
52968 These days the necessities of life cost you about three times what they
52969 used to, and half the time they aren't even fit to drink.
52971 They also serve who only stand and wait.
52974 They also surf who only stand on waves.
52976 They are called computers simply because computation is
52977 the only significant job that has so far been given to them.
52979 They are cold-blooded. They are completely ruthless about protecting
52980 what they have. The only thing they connect to is the money aspect of
52981 life. Let's face it: That's the American way.
52982 -- Jeffrey M. Johnson, regional chairman of the District
52983 of Columbia United Way, speaking of drug dealers.
52985 They are ill discoverers that think there is no land,
52986 when they can see nothing but sea.
52989 They are relatively good but absolutely terrible.
52990 -- Alan Kay, commenting on Apollos
52992 They call them "squares" because it's the
52993 most complicated shape they can deal with.
52995 They can't stop us... we're on a mission from God!
52996 -- The Blues Brothers
52998 They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist...
52999 -- Civil War General John Sedgwick, his last
53000 words, Battle of Spotsylvania Court House, 1864
53002 They [District Attorneys] learn in District Attorney School that there
53003 are two sure-fire ways to get a lot of favorable publicity:
53005 (1) Go down and raid all the lockers in the local high school and confiscate
53006 53 marijuana cigarettes and put them in a pile and hold a press
53007 conference where you announce that they have a street value of $850
53008 million. These raids never fail, because ALL high schools, including
53009 brand-new, never-used ones, have at least 53 marijuana cigarettes in
53010 the lockers. As far as anyone can tell, the locker factory puts them
53012 (2) Raid an "adult book store" and hold a press conference where you announce
53013 you are charging the owner with 850 counts of being a piece of human
53014 sleaze. This also never fails, because you always get a conviction.
53015 A juror at a pornography trial is not about to state for the record
53016 that he finds nothing obscene about a movie where actors engage in
53017 sexual activities with live snakes and a fire extinguisher. He is
53018 going to convict the bookstore owner, and vote for the death penalty
53019 just to make sure nobody gets the wrong impression.
53020 -- Dave Barry, "Pornography"
53022 They don't know how the world is shaped. And so they give it a shape, and
53023 try to make everything fit it. They separate the right from the left, the
53024 man from the woman, the plant from the animal, the sun from the moon. They
53025 only want to count to two.
53026 -- Emma Bull, "Bone Dance"
53028 They don't suffer. They can't even speak English.
53029 -- George F. Baer, answering a reporter's
53030 question about the suffering of starving miners.
53032 They finally got King Midas, I hear. Gild by association.
53034 They have been at a great feast of languages, and stolen the scraps.
53035 -- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost"
53037 They just buzzed and buzzed...buzzed.
53039 They make a desert and call it peace.
53040 -- Tacitus (55?-120?)
53042 They say it's the responsibility of the media to look at government --
53043 especially the president -- with a microscope. I don't argue with that,
53044 but when they use a proctoscope, it's going too far.
53047 They seem to have learned the habit of cowering before authority even when
53048 not actually threatened. How very nice for authority. I decided not to
53049 learn this particular lesson.
53050 -- Richard Stallman
53052 They sentenced me to twenty years of boredom for trying to change the
53053 system from within. I'm coming now I'm coming to reward them. First
53054 we take Manhattan, then we take Berlin.
53056 I'm guided by a signal in the heavens. I'm guided by this birthmark on
53057 my skin. I'm guided by the beauty of our weapons. First we take Manhattan,
53058 then we take Berlin.
53060 I'd really like to live beside you, baby. I love your body and your spirit
53061 and your clothes. But you see that line there moving through the station?
53062 I told you I told you I told you I was one of those.
53063 -- Leonard Cohen, "First We Take Manhattan"
53065 They spell it "da Vinci" and pronounce it "da Vinchy". Foreigners
53066 always spell better than they pronounce.
53069 They spell it Vinci and pronounce it Vinchy.
53070 Foreigners always spell better than they pronounce.
53073 "They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary
53074 safety deserve neither liberty nor safety."
53075 -- Benjamin Franklin, 1759
53077 "They told me I was gullible ... and I believed them!"
53079 They told me you had proven it When they discovered our results
53080 About a month before. Their hair began to curl
53081 The proof was valid, more or less Instead of understanding it
53082 But rather less than more. We'd run the thing through PRL.
53084 He sent them word that we would try Don't tell a soul about all this
53085 To pass where they had failed For it must ever be
53086 And after we were done, to them A secret, kept from all the rest
53087 The new proof would be mailed. Between yourself and me.
53089 My notion was to start again
53090 Ignoring all they'd done
53091 We quickly turned it into code
53092 To see if it would run.
53094 They told me you had proven it
53095 About a month before.
53096 The proof was valid, more or less He sent them word that we would try
53097 But rather less than more. To pass where they had failed
53098 And after we were done, to them
53099 The new proof would be mailed.
53100 My notion was to start again
53101 Ignoring all they'd done
53102 We quickly turned it into code When they discovered our results
53103 To see if it would run. Their hair began to curl
53104 Instead of understanding it
53105 We'd run the thing through PRL.
53106 Don't tell a soul about all this
53107 For it must ever be
53108 A secret, kept from all the rest
53109 Between yourself and me.
53111 They took some of the Van Goghs, most
53112 of the jewels, and all of the Chivas!
53114 They Tore Out My Heart and Stomped That Sucker Flat
53115 -- Book title by Lewis Grizzard
53117 They use different words for things in America.
53118 For instance they say elevator and we say lift.
53119 They say drapes and we say curtains.
53120 They say president and we say brain damaged git.
53123 They went rushing down that freeway,
53124 Messed around and got lost.
53125 They didn't care... they were just dying to get off,
53126 And it was life in the fast lane.
53127 -- Eagles, "Life in the Fast Lane"
53129 They will only cause the lower classes to move about needlessly.
53130 -- The Duke of Wellington, on early steam railroads
53132 They wouldn't listen to the fact that I was a genius,
53133 The man said "We got all that we can use",
53134 So I've got those steadily-depressin', low-down, mind-messin',
53135 Working-at-the-car-wash blues.
53138 They're an insidious bunch, your killer pianos. Had one get loose on me
53139 back in '62. It slipped out of the cables while we were lowering it out
53140 of its twelfth story apartment, and crushed six innocents in an insane bid
53144 They're giving bank robbing a bad name.
53145 -- John Dillinger, on Bonnie and Clyde
53147 They're just jealous because they don't have three
53148 wise men and a virgin in the whole organization.
53149 -- Mayor Vincent J. `Buddy' Cianci, on the
53150 ACLU's suit to have a city nativity scene removed.
53152 They're only trying to make me LOOK paranoid!
53154 "They're unfriendly, which is fortunate, really. They'd be difficult
53158 Thieves respect property; they merely wish the property to become
53159 their property that they may more perfectly respect it.
53160 -- G. K. Chesterton, "The Man Who Was Thursday"
53162 Things are more like they are today than they ever were before.
53163 -- Dwight D. Eisenhower
53165 Things are more like they used to be than they are now.
53167 Things are not always what they seem.
53170 Things equal to nothing else are equal to each other.
53172 Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold.
53174 Things past redress and now with me past care.
53175 -- William Shakespeare, "Richard II"
53177 Things will be bright in P.M. A cop will shine a light in your face.
53179 Things will get better despite our efforts to improve them.
53182 Things worth having are worth cheating for.
53184 Think big. Pollute the Mississippi.
53186 Think honk if you're a telepath.
53188 Think lucky. If you fall in a pond, check your pockets for fish.
53191 Think of it! With VLSI we can pack 100 ENIACs in 1 sq. cm.!
53193 Think of your family tonight. Try to crawl home after the computer
53199 Think twice before speaking, but don't say "think think click click".
53201 Thinking you know something is a sure way to blind yourself.
53202 -- Frank Herbert, "Chapterhouse: Dune"
53204 Thinks't thou existence doth depend on time?
53205 It doth; but actions are our epochs; mine
53206 Have made my days and nights imperishable,
53207 Endless, and all alike, as sands on the shore,
53208 Innumerable atoms; and one desert,
53209 Barren and cold, on which the wild waves break,
53210 But nothing rests, save carcasses and wrecks,
53211 Rocks, and the salt-surf weeds of bitterness.
53213 Thirteen at a table is unlucky only
53214 when the hostess has only twelve chops.
53217 "Thirty days hath Septober,
53218 April, June, and no wonder.
53219 all the rest have peanut butter
53220 except my father who wears red suspenders."
53222 Thirty white horses on a red hill,
53225 Then they stand still.
53228 This ae nighte, this ae nighte,
53229 Everye nighte and alle,
53230 Fire and sleet and candlelyte,
53231 And Christe receive thy saule.
53232 -- The Lykewake Dirge
53234 This "brain-damaged" epithet is getting sorely overworked. When we can
53235 speak of someone or something being flawed, impaired, marred, spoiled;
53236 batty, bedlamite, bonkers, buggy, cracked, crazed, cuckoo, daft, demented,
53237 deranged, loco, lunatic, mad, maniac, mindless, non compos mentis, nuts,
53238 Reaganite, screwy, teched, unbalanced, unsound, witless, wrong; senseless,
53239 spastic, spasmodic, convulsive; doped, spaced-out, stoned, zonked; {beef,
53240 beetle,block,dung,thick}headed, dense, doltish, dull, duncical, numskulled,
53241 pinhead; asinine, fatuous, foolish, silly, simple; brute, lumbering, oafish;
53242 half-assed, incompetent; backward, retarded, imbecilic, moronic; when we have
53243 a whole precisely nuanced vocabulary of intellectual abuse to draw upon,
53244 individually and in combination, isn't it a little <fill in the blank> to be
53245 limited to a single, now quite trite, adjective?
53247 This door is baroquen, please wiggle Handel.
53248 (If I wiggle Handel, will it wiggle Bach?)
53249 -- Found on a door in the MSU music building
53251 This dungeon is owned and operated by Frobazz Magic Co., Ltd.
53253 This file will self-destruct in five minutes.
53255 This fortune cookie program out of order. For those in desperate need,
53256 please use the program "________
\b\b\b\b\b\b\b\brandchar". This program generates random
53257 characters, and, given enough time, will undoubtedly come up with
53258 something profound. It will, however, take it no time at all to be
53259 more profound than THIS program has ever been.
53261 This fortune cookie program out of order. For those in desperate
53262 need, please use the program "randchar". This program generates
53263 random characters, and, given enough time, will undoubtedly come
53264 up with something profound. It will, however, take it no time at
53265 all to be more profound than THIS program has ever been.
53267 This Fortune Examined By INSPECTOR NO. 2-14
53269 This fortune intentionally not included.
53271 This fortune intentionally says nothing.
53273 This fortune is dedicated to your mother, without whose
53274 invaluable assistance last night would never have been possible.
53276 This fortune is encrypted -- get your decoder rings ready!
53278 This fortune is false.
53280 This fortune is inoperative. Please try another.
53282 This fortune soaks up 47 times its own weight in excess memory.
53284 This fortune was brought to you by the people at Hewlett-Packard.
53286 This fortune would be seven words long if it were six words shorter.
53288 This generation doesn't have emotional baggage.
53289 We have emotional moving vans.
53292 This guy runs into his house and yells to his wife, "Kathy, pack up your
53293 bags! I just won the California lottery!"
53294 "Honey!", Kathy exclaims, "Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?"
53295 "I don't care," responds the husband. "just so long as you're out
53296 of the house by dinner!"
53298 "This is a country where people are free to practice their religion,
53299 regardless of race, creed, color, obesity, or number of dangling
53302 This is a good time to punt work.
53304 "This is a job for BOB VIOLENCE and SCUM, the INCREDIBLY STUPID MUTANT
53308 "This is a test of the Emergency Broadcast System. If this had been an
53309 actual emergency, do you really think we'd stick around to tell you?"
53311 This is a test of the emergency broadcast system.
53312 Had there been an actual emergency, then you would no longer be here.
53314 This is an especially good time for you vacationers who plan to fly,
53315 because the Reagan administration, as part of the same policy under
53316 which it recently sold Yellowstone National Park to Wayne Newton, has
53317 "deregulated" the airline industry. What this means for you, the
53318 consumer, is that the airlines are no longer required to follow any
53319 rules whatsoever. They can show snuff movies. They can charge for
53320 oxygen. They can hire pilots right out of Vending Machine Refill
53321 Person School. They can conserve fuel by ejecting husky passengers
53322 over water. They can ram competing planes in mid-air. These
53323 innovations have resulted in tremendous cost savings which have been
53324 passed along to you, the consumer, in the form of flights with
53325 amazingly low fares, such as $29. Of course, certain restrictions do
53326 apply, the main one being that all these flights take you to Newark,
53327 and you must pay thousands of dollars if you want to fly back out.
53328 -- Dave Barry, "Iowa -- Land of Secure Vacations"
53330 This is an unauthorized cybernetic announcement.
53332 This is Betty Frenel. I don't know who to call but I can't reach my
53333 Food-a-holics partner. I'm at Vido's on my second pizza with sausage
53334 and mushroom. Jim, come and get me!
53336 This is clearly another case of too many mad scientists,
53337 and not enough hunchbacks.
53339 This is for all ill-treated fellows
53340 Unborn and unbegot,
53341 For them to read when they're in trouble
53345 This is Jim Rockford.
53346 At the tone leave your name and message; I'll get back to you.
\a
53348 "This is lemma 1.1. We start a new chapter so the numbers all go back
53350 -- Prof. Seager, C&O 351
53352 This is Maria, Liberty Bail Bonds. Your client, Todd Lieman, skipped and
53353 his bail is forfeit. That's the pink slip on your '74 Firebird, I believe.
53354 Sorry, Jim, bring it on over.
53356 This is Marilyn Reed, I wanta talk to you... Is this a machine?
53357 I don't talk to machines! [Click]
53359 This is National Non-Dairy Creamer Week.
53361 This is NOT a repeat.
53363 This is not the age of pamphleteers. It is the age of the engineers. The
53364 spark-gap is mightier than the pen. Democracy will not be salvaged by men
53365 who talk fluently, debate forcefully and quote aptly.
53366 -- Lancelot Hogben, Science for the Citizen, 1938
53368 THIS IS PLEDGE WEEK FOR THE FORTUNE PROGRAM
53370 If you like the fortune program, why not support it now with your
53371 contribution of a pithy fortune, clean or obscene? We cannot continue
53372 without your support. Less than 14% of all fortune users are
53373 contributors. That means that 86% of you are getting a free ride. We
53374 can't go on like this much longer. Federal cutbacks mean less money
53375 for fortunes, and unless user contributions increase to make up the
53376 difference, the fortune program will have to shut down between midnight
53377 and 8 a.m. Don't let this happen. Mail your fortunes right now to
53378 "fortune". Just type in your favorite pithy saying. Do it now before
53379 you forget. Our target is 300 new fortunes by the end of the week.
53380 Don't miss out. All fortunes will be acknowledged. If you contribute
53381 30 fortunes or more, you will receive a free subscription to "The
53382 Fortune Hunter", our monthly program guide. If you contribute 50 or
53383 more, you will receive a free "Fortune Hunter" coffee mug ...
53385 This is supposed to be a happy occasion.
53386 Let's not BICKER and ARGUE over who killed who!
53388 This is the Baron. Angel Martin tells me you buy information. Ok,
53389 meet me at one a.m. behind the bus depot, bring five-hundred dollars
53390 and come alone. I'm serious!
53392 This is the first age that's paid much attention to the future,
53393 which is a little ironic since we may not have one.
53394 -- Arthur C. Clarke
53396 This is the first numerical problem I ever did. It demonstrates the
53397 power of computers:
53399 Enter lots of data on calorie & nutritive content of foods. Instruct
53400 the thing to maximize a function describing nutritive content, with a
53401 minimum level of each component, for fixed caloric content. The
53402 results are that one should eat each day:
53406 1 glass of skim milk
53407 27 heads of lettuce.
53408 -- Rev. Adrian Melott
53410 This is the ____
\b\b\b\bLAST time I take travel suggestions from Ray Bradbury!
53412 This is the sort of English up with which I will not put.
53413 -- Winston Churchill
53415 This is the story of the bee
53416 Whose sex is very hard to see
53418 You cannot tell the he from the she
53419 But she can tell, and so can he
53421 The little bee is never still
53422 She has no time to take the pill
53424 And that is why, in times like these
53425 There are so many sons of bees.
53427 This is the theory that Jack built.
53428 This is the flaw that lay in the theory that Jack built.
53429 This is the palpable verbal haze that hid the flaw that lay in...
53431 This is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.
53432 And now you know why.
53434 This is the way the world ends,
53435 This is the way the world ends,
53436 This is the way the world ends,
53437 Not with a bang but with a whimper.
53438 -- T. S. Eliot, "The Hollow Men"
53440 This is your fortune.
53442 This isn't right. This isn't even wrong.
53443 -- Wolfgang Pauli, on a colleague's paper
53445 This isn't true in practice -- what we've missed out is Stradivarius's
53446 constant. And then the aside: "For those of you who don't know, that's
53447 been called by others the fiddle factor..."
53448 -- From a 1B Electrical Engineering lecture
53450 This land is full of trousers!
53451 this land is full of mausers!
53452 And pussycats to eat them when the sun goes down!
53453 -- The Firesign Theatre
53455 This land is made of mountains,
53456 This land is made of mud,
53457 This land has lots of everything,
53458 For me and Elmer Fudd.
53460 This land has lots of trousers,
53461 This land has lots of mousers,
53462 And pussycats to eat them
53463 When the sun goes down.
53465 This land is my land, and only my land,
53466 I've got a shotgun, and you ain't got one,
53467 If you don't get off, I'll blow your head off,
53468 This land is private property.
53469 -- Apologies to Woody Guthrie
53471 This life is a test. It is only a test. Had this been an actual life,
53472 you would have received further instructions as to what to do and where
53475 This life is yours. Some of it was given
53476 to you; the rest, you made yourself.
53478 This login session: $13.99
53480 This login session: $13.99, but for you $11.88
53482 This must be morning. I never could get the hang of mornings.
53484 This night methinks is but the daylight sick.
53485 -- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"
53487 This novel is not to be tossed lightly aside, but to be hurled with
53491 This one is for all you military types. For those who don't know, Rangers
53492 are *extremely* well trained members of the U.S. Army. Marines are people
53493 who start out as normal soldiers and then are made to believe that bullets
53494 don't actually hurt.
53495 One day a platoon of Marines are on patrol when they come upon a
53496 Ranger relaxing on top of a small hill. The Ranger puts his hands on his
53497 hips and screams out, "Do any of you seaweed sucking jarheads think you're
53498 man enough to take me on?"
53499 The biggest Marine comes running up the hill, screaming back at the
53500 Ranger. When he gets to the top he simply plows into his foe and the two
53501 tumble down the other side of the hill, out of sight. There is the sound of
53502 a horrendous fight for a moment or two, and then all is quiet. Soon, the
53503 Ranger reappears, quite untouched. He puts his hands on his hips and sneers,
53504 "Well, looks to me like one of you couldn't do it, how about the rest?"
53505 The enraged Marine platoon leader sends his entire platoon (30+men)
53506 charging after the Ranger. They all go tumbling down the far side of the hill.
53507 After 15 minutes of screaming and yelling and cursing a lone, bloodied Marine
53508 crawls over the top of the hill. The platoon leader yells up to his man,
53509 "What's going on up there?" The wounded Marine, with his last bit of breath,
53510 replies, "Sir, it's a... a trap, sir. They're two of them!"
53512 This place just isn't big enough for all of us. We've
53513 got to find a way off this planet.
53515 This planet has -- or rather had -- a problem, which was this: most of
53516 the people living on it were unhappy for pretty much of the time. Many
53517 solutions were suggested for this problem, but most of these were
53518 largely concerned with the movements of small green pieces of paper,
53519 which is odd because on the whole it wasn't the small green pieces of
53520 paper that were unhappy.
53523 "This process can check if this value is zero, and if it is, it does
53524 something child-like."
53525 -- Forbes Burkowski, Computer Science 454
53527 This process can check if this value is zero, and if it is, it does
53528 something child-like.
53529 -- Forbes Burkowski, CS, University of Washington
53531 This product is meant for educational purposes only. Any resemblance to real
53532 persons, living or dead is purely coincidental. Void where prohibited. Some
53533 assembly may be required. Batteries not included. Contents may settle during
53534 shipment. Use only as directed. May be too intense for some viewers. If
53535 condition persists, consult your physician. No user-serviceable parts inside.
53536 Breaking seal constitutes acceptance of agreement. Not responsible for direct,
53537 indirect, incidental or consequential damages resulting from any defect, error
53538 or failure to perform. Slippery when wet. For office use only. Substantial
53539 penalty for early withdrawal. Do not write below this line. Your cancelled
53540 check is your receipt. Avoid contact with skin. Employees and their families
53541 are not eligible. Beware of dog. Driver does not carry cash. Limited time
53542 offer, call now to ensure prompt delivery. Use only in well-ventilated area.
53543 Keep away from fire or flame. Some equipment shown is optional. Price does
53544 not include taxes, dealer prep, or delivery. Penalty for private use. Call
53545 toll free before digging. Some of the trademarks mentioned in this product
53546 appear for identification purposes only. All models over 18 years of age. Do
53547 not use while operating a motor vehicle or heavy equipment. Postage will be
53548 paid by addressee. Apply only to affected area. One size fits all. Many
53549 suitcases look alike. Edited for television. No solicitors. Reproduction
53550 strictly prohibited. Restaurant package, not for resale. Objects in mirror
53551 are closer than they appear. Decision of judges is final. This supersedes
53552 all previous notices. No other warranty expressed or implied.
53554 This quote is taken from the Diamondback, the University of Maryland
53555 student newspaper, of Tuesday, 3/10/87.
53557 One disadvantage of the Univac system is that it does not use
53558 Unix, a recently developed program which translates from one
53559 computer language to another and has a built-in editing system
53560 which identifies errors in the original program.
53562 This sad little lizard told me that he was a brontosaurus on his
53563 mother's side. I did not laugh; people who boast of ancestry
53564 often have little else to sustain them. Humoring them costs nothing and
53565 adds happiness in a world in which happiness is always in short supply.
53568 This screen intentionally left blank.
53570 This sentence contradicts itself -- no actually it doesn't.
53571 -- Douglas Hofstadter
53573 This sentence does in fact not have the property it claims not to have.
53575 This sentence no verb.
53577 This system will self-destruct in five minutes.
53579 This thing all things devours:
53580 Birds, beasts, trees, flowers;
53581 Gnaws iron, bites steel;
53582 Grinds hard stones to meal;
53583 Slays king, ruins town,
53584 And beats high mountain down.
53586 This unit... must... survive.
53588 This universe shipped by weight, not by volume. Some expansion of the
53589 contents may have occurred during shipment.
53591 This was a Golden Age, a time of high adventure, rich living, and hard
53592 dying... but nobody thought so. This was a future of fortune and theft,
53593 pillage and rapine, culture and vice... but nobody admitted it.
53594 -- Alfred Bester, "The Stars My Destination"
53596 This was the most unkindest cut of all.
53597 -- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar"
53599 This wasn't just plain terrible, this was fancy terrible.
53600 This was terrible with raisins in it.
53603 This week only, all our fiber-fill jackets are marked down!
53605 This will be a memorable month -- no matter how hard you try to forget
53608 This yuppie, see, was in a car wreck. His BMW was mangled, and so was he.
53609 The paramedic was leaning over him getting his vitals, and all the yup
53610 could groan was "My BMW! My BMW!"
53611 The paramedic tried to quiet the man, pointing out that his car
53612 wasn't his chief concern at the moment, especially as he'd been rearranged
53613 pretty badly himself -- for example, his left arm was severed at the elbow
53614 and was lying about twenty feet away.
53615 There was a moment of stunned silence from the yup followed by
53616 "Oh no! My Rolex! My Rolex!"
53618 Those lovable Brits department:
53619 They also have trouble pronouncing `vitamin'.
53621 Those of you who think you know everything are very annoying to those
53624 Those of you who think you know everything
53625 are annoying those of us who do.
53627 Those of you who think you know it all upset those of us who do.
53629 Those parts of the system that you can hit with a hammer (not advised)
53630 are called hardware; those program instructions that you can only curse
53631 at are called software.
53632 -- Levitating Trains and Kamikaze Genes: Technological
53633 Literacy for the 1990's.
53635 Those who are mentally and emotionally healthy are those who have
53636 learned when to say yes, when to say no and when to say whoopee.
53639 Those who believe in astrology are living in houses with foundations of
53643 Those who can, do. Those who can't, simulate.
53645 Those who can, do; those who can't, write.
53646 Those who can't write work for the Bell Labs Record.
53648 Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.
53649 -- George Santayana
53651 Those who can't write, write manuals.
53653 Those who claim the dead never return
53654 to life haven't ever been around here at quitting time.
53656 Those who do not do politics will be done in by politics.
53659 Those who do not understand Unix are condemned to reinvent it, poorly.
53662 Those who do things in a noble spirit of
53663 self-sacrifice are to be avoided at all costs.
53666 Those who educate children well are more to be honored than parents,
53667 for these only gave life, those the art of living well.
53670 Those who express random thoughts to legislative committees are often
53671 surprised and appalled to find themselves the instigators of law.
53674 Those who have had no share in the good fortunes of the mighty
53675 Often have a share in their misfortunes.
53676 -- Bertolt Brecht, "The Caucasian Chalk Circle"
53678 Those who have some means think that the most important thing in the
53679 world is love. The poor know that it is money.
53682 Those who in quarrels interpose, must often wipe a bloody nose.
53684 Those who make peaceful revolution impossible
53685 will make violent revolution inevitable.
53688 Those who profess to favor freedom, and yet deprecate agitation, are
53689 men who want rain without thunder and lightning. They want the ocean
53690 without the roar of its many waters.
53691 -- Frederick Douglass
53693 Those who sweat in flames of hell, Leaden eared, some thought their bowels
53694 Here's the reason that they fell: Lispeth forth the sweetest vowels.
53695 While on earth they prayed in SAS, These they offered up in praise
53696 PL/1, or other crass, Thinking all this fetid haze
53697 Vulgar tongue. A rhapsody sung.
53699 Some the lord did sorely try Jabber of the mindless horde
53700 Assembling all their pleas in hex. Sequel next did mock the lord
53701 Speech as crabbed as devil's crable Slothful sequel so enfangled
53702 Hex that marked on Tower Babel Its speaker's lips became entangled
53703 The highest rung. In his bung.
53705 Because in life they prayed so ill
53706 And offered god such swinish swill
53707 Now they sweat in flames of hell
53708 Sweat from lack of APL
53711 Those who talk don't know. Those who don't talk, know.
53713 Thou hast seen nothing yet.
53714 -- Miguel de Cervantes
53716 Though a program be but three lines long, someday it will have to
53718 -- The Tao of Programming
53720 Though I respect that a lot
53721 I'd be fired if that were my job
53722 After killing Jason off and
53723 Countless screaming argonauts
53725 Bluebird of friendliness
53726 Like guardian angels it's
53729 Blue canary in the outlet by the light switch
53730 Who watches over you
53731 Make a little birdhouse in your soul
53732 Not to put too fine a point on it
53733 Say I'm the only bee in your bonnet
53734 Make a little birdhouse in your soul
53736 -- "Birdhouse in your Soul", They Might Be Giants
53738 Thrashing is just virtual crashing.
53740 Three great scientific theories of the structure of the universe are
53741 the molecular, the corpuscular and the atomic. A fourth affirms, with
53742 Haeckel, the condensation or precipitation of matter from ether --
53743 whose existence is proved by the condensation or precipitation ... A
53744 fifth theory is held by idiots, but it is doubtful if they know any
53745 more about the matter than the others.
53746 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
53748 Three hours a day will produce as much as a man ought to write.
53751 Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead.
53752 -- Benjamin Franklin
53754 Three Midwesterners, a Kansan, a Missourian and an Iowan,
53755 all appearing on a quiz program, were asked to complete this sentence:
53756 "Old MacDonald had a . . ."
53758 "Old MacDonald had a carburetor," answered the Kansan.
53759 "Sorry, that's wrong," the game show host said.
53760 "Old MacDonald had a free brake alignment down at the
53761 service station," said the Missourian.
53763 "Old MacDonald had a farm," said the Iowan.
53764 "CORRECT!" shouts the quizmaster. "Now for $100,000, spell `farm.'"
53765 "Easy," said the Iowan. "E-I-E-I-O."
53767 Three minutes' thought would suffice to find this out; but thought
53768 is irksome and three minutes is a long time.
53771 Three o'clock in the afternoon is always just a little too
53772 late or a little too early for anything you want to do.
53773 -- Jean-Paul Sartre
53775 Three Rings for the Elven-kings under the sky,
53776 Seven for the Dwarf-lords in their halls of stone,
53777 Nine for Mortal Men doomed to die,
53778 One for the Dark Lord on his dark throne
53779 In the Land of Mordor where the Shadows lie.
53780 One Ring to rule them all, One Ring to find them,
53781 One Ring to bring them all and in the darkness bind them
53782 In the Land of Mordor where the Shadows lie.
53783 -- J. R. R. Tolkien, "The Lord of the Rings"
53785 Three rules for sounding like an expert:
53786 1. Oversimplify your explanations to the point of uselessness.
53787 2. Always point out second-order effects,
53788 but never point out when they can be ignored.
53789 3. Come up with three rules of your own.
53791 Throw away documentation and manuals,
53792 and users will be a hundred times happier.
53793 Throw away privileges and quotas,
53794 and users will do the Right Thing.
53795 Throw away proprietary and site licenses,
53796 and there won't be any pirating.
53798 If these three aren't enough,
53799 just stay at your home directory
53800 and let all processes take their course.
53802 Thus mathematics may be defined as the subject in which we never know
53803 what we are talking about, nor whether what we are saying is true.
53804 -- Bertrand Russell
53806 Thus spake the master programmer:
53807 "A well-written program is its own heaven; a poorly-written program
53809 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
53811 Thus spake the master programmer:
53812 "After three days without programming, life becomes meaningless."
53813 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
53815 Thus spake the master programmer:
53816 "Let the programmer be many and the managers few -- then all will
53818 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
53820 Thus spake the master programmer:
53821 "Though a program be but three lines long, someday it will have to
53823 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
53825 Thus spake the master programmer:
53826 "Time for you to leave."
53827 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
53829 Thus spake the master programmer:
53830 "When program is being tested, it is too late to make design changes."
53831 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
53833 Thus spake the master programmer:
53834 "When you have learned to snatch the error code from
53835 the trap frame, it will be time for you to leave."
53836 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
53838 Thus spake the master programmer:
53839 "Without the wind, the grass does not move. Without software,
53840 hardware is useless."
53841 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
53843 Thus spake the master programmer:
53844 "You can demonstrate a program for a corporate executive, but you
53845 can't make him computer literate."
53846 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
53849 Everything goes wrong at once.
53851 Ticking away the moments that make up a dull day
53852 Fritter and waste the hours in an offhand way
53853 Kicking around on a piece of ground in your hometown
53854 Waiting for someone or something to show you the way
53856 Tired of lying in the sunshine And then one day you find
53857 Staying home to watch the rain Ten years have got behind you
53858 You are young and life is long No one told you when to run
53859 And there is time to kill today You missed the starting gun
53861 And you run and you run to catch up with the sun but it's sinking
53862 And racing around to come up behind you again
53863 The sun is the same in a relative way but you're older
53864 Shorter of breath and one day closer to death
53866 Every year is getting shorter Hanging on in quiet desperation
53868 Never seem to find the time The time is gone, the song is over
53869 Plans that either come to nought Thought I'd something more to say...
53870 Or half a page of scribbled lines
53871 -- Pink Floyd, "Time"
53875 Quite unaccountably
53885 Man got to sit and wonder, "Why, why, why?"
53887 Tiger got to sleep,
53889 Man got to tell himself he understand.
53890 -- The Books of Bokonon
53892 Time and tide wait for no man.
53894 Time as he grows old teaches all things.
53897 Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
53899 Time flies like an arrow, but fruit flies like a banana.
53901 Time goes, you say?
53903 Time stays, *we* go.
53906 Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.
53909 Time is an illusion; lunchtime, doubly so.
53912 Time is an illusion perpetrated by the manufacturers of space.
53914 Time is but the stream I go a-fishing in.
53915 -- Henry David Thoreau
53917 Time is nature's way of making sure that everything doesn't happen at
53920 Time is nature's way of making sure that
53921 everything doesn't happen at once.
53923 Space is nature's way of making sure that
53924 everything doesn't happen to you.
53926 Time is the most valuable thing a man can spend.
53929 Time sharing: The use of many people by the computer.
53931 Time sure flies when you don't know what you're doing.
53933 Time to be aggressive. Go after a tattooed Virgo.
53935 Time to take stock.
53936 Go home with some office supplies.
53939 Love's wounds unseen.
53940 That's what someone told me;
53941 But I don't know what it means.
53942 -- Linda Ronstadt, "Long Long Time"
53944 Time will end all my troubles,
53945 but I don't always approve of Time's methods.
53947 Time-sharing is the junk-mail part of the computer business.
53948 -- H. R. J. Grosch (attributed)
53951 An access method whereby one computer abuses many people.
53953 Timing must be perfect now.
53954 Two-timing must be better than perfect.
53957 Never fry bacon in the nude.
53959 Tip O'Neill is just like Congress; old, fat and out of control.
53962 Tip the world over on its side and
53963 everything loose will land in Los Angeles.
53964 -- Frank Lloyd Wright
53966 TIPS FOR PERFORMERS:
53967 Playing cards have the top half upside-down to help cheaters.
53968 There are a finite number of jokes in the universe.
53969 Singing is a trick to get people to listen to music longer than
53970 they would ordinarily.
53971 There is no music in space.
53972 People will pay to watch people make sounds.
53973 Everything on stage should be larger than in real life.
53975 TIRED of calculating components of vectors? Displacements along direction of
53976 force getting you down? Well, now there's help. Try amazing "Dot-Product",
53977 the fast, easy way many professionals have used for years and is now available
53978 to YOU through this special offer. Three out of five engineering consultants
53979 recommend "Dot-Product" for their clients who use vector products. Mr.
53980 Gumbinowitz, mechanical engineer, in a hidden-camera interview...
53981 "Dot-Product really works! Calculating Z-axis force components has
53982 never been easier."
53983 Yes, you too can take advantage of the amazing properties of Dot-Product. Use
53984 it to calculate forces, velocities, displacements, and virtually any vector
53985 components. How much would you pay for it? But wait, it also calculates the
53986 work done in Joules, Ergs, and, yes, even BTU's. Divide Dot-Product by the
53987 magnitude of the vectors and it becomes an instant angle calculator! Now, how
53988 much would you pay? All this can be yours for the low, low price of $19.95!!
53989 But that's not all! If you order before midnight, you'll also get "Famous
53990 Numbers of Famous People" as a bonus gift, absolutely free! Yes, you'll get
53991 Avogadro's number, Planck's, Euler's, Boltzmann's, and many, many, more!!
53992 Call 1-800-DOT-6000. Operators are standing by. That number again...
53993 1-800-DOT-6000. Supplies are limited, so act now. This offer is not
53994 available through stores and is void where prohibited by law.
53996 Tis man's perdition to be safe, when for the truth he ought to die.
53998 'Tis more blessed to give than receive; for example, wedding presents.
54001 'Tis the dream of each programmer,
54002 Before his life is done,
54003 To write three lines of APL,
54004 And make the damn things run.
54006 To a Californian, a person must prove himself criminally insane before he
54007 is allowed to drive a taxi in New York. For New York cabbies, honesty and
54008 stopping at red lights are both optional.
54009 -- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts
54011 To a Californian, all New Yorkers are cold; even in heat they rarely go
54012 above fifty-eight degrees. If you collapse on a street in New York, plan
54013 to spend a few days there.
54014 -- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts
54016 To a Californian, the basic difference between the people and the pigeons
54017 in New York is that the pigeons don't shit on each other.
54018 -- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts
54020 To a New Yorker, all Californians are blond, even the blacks. There are,
54021 in fact, whole neighborhoods that are zoned only for blond people. The
54022 only way to tell the difference between California and Sweden is that the
54023 Swedes speak better English."
54024 -- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts
54026 To a New Yorker, the only California houses on the market for less than
54027 a million dollars are those on fire. These generally go for six hundred
54029 -- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts
54031 To accuse others for one's own misfortunes is a sign of want of education.
54032 To accuse oneself shows that one's education has begun. To accuse neither
54033 oneself nor others shows that one's education is complete.
54036 To add insult to injury.
54039 To any truly impartial person, it would
54040 be obvious that I am always right.
54042 To avoid criticism, do nothing, say nothing, be nothing.
54045 To be a kind of moral Unix, he touched the hem of Nature's shift.
54048 To be beautiful is enough! if a woman can do that well who
54049 should demand more from her? You don't want a rose to sing.
54052 To be considered successful, a woman must be much better at her job
54053 than a man would have to be. Fortunately, this isn't difficult.
54055 To be excellent when engaged in administration is to be like the North
54056 Star. As it remains in its one position, all the other stars surround it.
54059 To be great is to be misunderstood.
54060 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
54062 To be happy one must be a) well fed, unhounded by sordid cares, at ease in
54063 Zion, b) full of a comfortable feeling of superiority to the masses of one's
54064 fellow men, and c) delicately and unceasingly amused according to one's taste.
54065 It is my contention that, if this definition be accepted, there is no country
54066 in the world wherein a man constituted as I am -- a man of my peculiar
54067 weaknesses, vanities, appetites, and aversions -- can be so happy as he can
54068 be in the United States. Going further, I lay down the doctrine that it is
54069 a sheer physical impossibility for such a man to live in the United States
54071 -- H. L. Mencken, "On Being An American"
54073 To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it.
54075 To be is to be related.
54083 -- Miss Connie, Romper Room
54096 To be loved is very demoralizing.
54097 -- Katharine Hepburn
54099 to be nobody but yourself in a world
54100 which is doing its best night and day
54101 to make you like everybody else
54102 means to fight the hardest battle
54103 any human being can fight and
54104 never stop fighting.
54107 To be nobody-but-yourself in a world which is doing its best to,
54108 night and day, to make you everybody else -- means to fight the hardest
54109 battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting.
54110 -- E. E. Cummings, "A Miscellany"
54112 To be or not to be.
54121 To be or not to be, that is the bottom line.
54123 To be patriotic, hate all nations but your own; to be religious, all sects
54124 but your own; to be moral, all pretences but your own.
54127 "To be responsive at this time, though I will simply say, and therefore
54128 this is a repeat of what I said previously, that which I am unable to
54129 offer in response is based on information available to make no such
54132 To be successful, a woman has to be much better at her job than a man.
54135 To be successful, a woman must do her job ten times
54136 as well as a man. Fortunately, this is not difficult.
54138 To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and, whatever you hit,
54139 call it the target.
54141 To be trusted is a greater compliment than to be loved.
54143 To be who one is, is not to be someone else.
54145 To be wise, the only thing you really need
54146 to know is when to say "I don't know."
54148 To believe your own thought, to believe that what is true for
54149 you in your private heart is true for all men -- that is genius.
54150 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
54152 To code the impossible code, This is my quest --
54153 To bring up a virgin machine, To debug that code,
54154 To pop out of endless recursion, No matter how hopeless,
54155 To grok what appears on the screen, No matter the load,
54156 To write those routines
54157 To right the unrightable bug, Without question or pause,
54158 To endlessly twiddle and thrash, To be willing to hack FORTRAN IV
54159 To mount the unmountable magtape, For a heavenly cause.
54160 To stop the unstoppable crash! And I know if I'll only be true
54161 To this glorious quest,
54162 And the queue will be better for this, That my code will run CUSPy and calm,
54163 That one man, scorned and When it's put to the test.
54165 Still strove with his last allocation
54166 To scrap the unscrappable kludge!
54167 -- To "The Impossible Dream", from Man of La Mancha
54169 To communicate is the beginning of understanding.
54172 To converse at the distance of the Indes by means of sympathetic contrivances
54173 may be as natural to future times as to us is a literary correspondence.
54174 -- Joseph Glanvill, 1661
54176 To craunch a marmoset.
54177 -- Pedro Carolino, "English as She is Spoke"
54179 To criticize the incompetent is easy;
54180 it is more difficult to criticize the competent.
54182 To defend the Saigon regime is not worth one more human life.
54183 -- Senator Edmund Muskie
54185 To do nothing is to be nothing.
54187 To do two things at once is to do neither.
54190 To doubt everything or to believe everything are two equally
54191 convenient solutions; both dispense with the necessity of reflection.
54194 To envision how a 4-processor system running [SunOS] 4.1.x works, think
54195 of four kids and one bathroom.
54198 To err is human -- but it feels divine.
54201 To err is human -- to blame it on a computer is even more so.
54203 To err is human, but I can REALLY foul things up.
54205 To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer.
54207 To err is human, but when the eraser wears out
54208 before the pencil, you're overdoing it a little.
54210 To err is human; to admit it, a blunder.
54212 To err is human, to forgive, beyond the scope of the Operating System.
54214 To err is human, to forgive, infrequent.
54216 To err is human, to forgive is against company policy.
54218 To err is human, to forgive is Not Company Policy.
54220 To err is human; to forgive is simply not our policy.
54221 -- MIT Assassination Club
54223 To err is human, to forgive unusual.
54225 To err is human, to moo bovine.
54227 To err is human, to purr feline.
54228 To err is human, two curs canine.
54229 To err is human, to moo bovine.
54231 To err is human, to repent, divine, to persist, devilish.
54232 -- Benjamin Franklin
54235 To blame someone else for your mistakes is even more human.
54243 To every Ph.D. there is an equal and opposite Ph.D.
54246 To everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven:
54247 A time to be born, and a time to die;
54248 A time to plant, and a time to pluck what is planted;
54249 A time to kill, and a time to heal;
54250 A time to break down, and a time to build up;
54251 A time to weep, and a time to laugh;
54252 A time to mourn, and a time to dance;
54253 A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones;
54254 A time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
54255 A time to gain, and a time to lose;
54256 A time to keep, and a time to throw away;
54257 A time to tear, and a time to sew;
54258 A time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
54259 A time to love, and a time to hate;
54260 A time of war, and a time of peace.
54263 To fear love is to fear life, and those
54264 who fear life are already three parts dead.
54265 -- Bertrand Russell
54267 To find a friend one must close one eye; to keep him -- two.
54270 To find out a girl's faults, praise her to her girl friends.
54271 -- Benjamin Franklin
54273 To generalize is to be an idiot.
54276 To get back on your feet, miss two car payments.
54278 To get something clean, one has to get something dirty.
54279 To get something dirty, one does not have to get anything clean.
54281 To get something done, a committee should consist of no more than three
54282 men, two of them absent.
54284 To give happiness is to deserve happiness.
54286 To give of yourself, you must first know yourself.
54288 To have died once is enough.
54289 -- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil)
54291 To hell with the Prime Directive;
54292 Let's KILL something!
54294 To invent, you need a good imagination and a pile of junk.
54297 To iterate is human, to recurse, divine.
54300 To jaw-jaw is better than to war-war.
54301 -- Winston Churchill, on Korean War negotiations
54303 To keep your friends treat them kindly;
54304 to kill them, treat them often.
54306 To know Edina is to reject it.
54307 -- Dudley Riggs, "The Year the Grinch Stole the Election"
54309 To laugh at men of sense is the privilege of fools.
54311 To lead people, you must follow behind.
54314 To listen to some devout people,
54315 one would imagine that God never laughs.
54318 To love is good, love being difficult.
54320 To make an enemy, do someone a favor.
54322 To make tax forms true they should
54323 read "Income Owed Us" and "Incommode You".
54325 To many, total abstinence is easier than perfect moderation.
54328 TO ME, CLOWNS AREN'T FUNNY. In fact, they're kinda scary. I've wondered
54329 where this started, and I think it goes back to the time I went to the
54330 circus and a clown killed my dad.
54331 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican", 1988.
54333 To one large turkey add one gallon of vermouth and a demijohn of Angostura
54335 -- F. Scott Fitzgerald, recipe for turkey cocktail
54337 To our sweethearts and wives. May they never meet.
54338 -- 19th century toast
54340 To refuse praise is to seek praise twice.
54342 To restore a sense of reality, I think
54343 Walt Disney should have a Hardluckland.
54346 To save a single life is better than to build a seven story pagoda.
54348 To say that UNIX is doomed is pretty rabid, OS/2 will certainly play a role,
54349 but you don't build a hundred million instructions per second multiprocessor
54350 micro and then try to run it on OS/2. I mean, get serious.
54351 -- William Zachmann, International Data Corp
54353 To say you got a vote of confidence
54354 would be to say you needed a vote of confidence.
54357 To see a need and wait to be asked, is to already refuse.
54359 To see the butcher slap the steak, before he laid it on the block,
54360 and give his knife a sharpening, was to forget breakfast instantly. It was
54361 agreeable, too -it really was- to see him cut it off, so smooth and juicy.
54362 There was nothing savage in the act, although the knife was large and keen;
54363 it was a piece of art, high art; there was delicacy of touch, clearness of
54364 tone, skilful handling of the subject, fine shading. It was the triumph of
54365 mind over matter; quite.
54366 -- Charles Dickens, "Martin Chuzzlewit"
54368 To see you is to sympathize.
54370 To spot the expert, pick the one who predicts
54371 the job will take the longest and cost the most.
54373 To stand and be still,
54374 At the Birkenhead drill,
54375 Is a damned tough bullet to chew.
54378 To stay young requires unceasing cultivation
54379 of the ability to unlearn old falsehoods.
54380 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough For Love"
54382 To stay youthful, stay useful.
54384 To teach is to learn.
54386 To teach is to learn twice.
54389 To the best of my recollection, Senator, I can't recall.
54391 To the landlord belongs the doorknobs.
54393 To the systems programmer, users and applications serve only to provide
54396 To Theodore Roosevelt:
54397 You are like the Wind and I like the Lion. You form the Tempest.
54398 The sand stings my eyes and the Ground is parched. I roar in defiance but
54399 you do not hear. But between us there is a difference. I, like the lion,
54400 must remain in my place. While you, like the wind, will never know yours.
54401 Mulay Hamid El Raisuli
54403 Sultan to the Berbers
54404 Last of the Barbary Pirates
54406 To thine own self be true.
54407 (If not that, at least make some money.)
54409 To think contrary to one's era is heroism. But to speak against it is
54413 To those accustomed to the precise, structured methods of conventional
54414 system development, exploratory development techniques may seem messy,
54415 inelegant, and unsatisfying. But it's a question of congruence:
54416 precision and flexibility may be just as dysfunctional in novel,
54417 uncertain situations as sloppiness and vacillation are in familiar,
54418 well-defined ones. Those who admire the massive, rigid bone structures
54419 of dinosaurs should remember that jellyfish still enjoy their very
54420 secure ecological niche.
54421 -- Beau Sheil, "Power Tools for Programmers"
54423 TO THOSE OF YOU WHO DESIRE IT, I GRANT YOU MADRAK'S BLESSING:
54425 Insofar as I may be heard by anything, which may or may not care
54426 what I say, I ask, if it matters, that you be forgiven for anything you
54427 may have done or failed to do which requires forgiveness.
54428 Conversely, if not forgiveness but something else be required
54429 to ensure any possible benefit for which you may be eligible after the
54430 destruction of your body, I ask that this, whatever it may be, be granted
54431 or withheld, as the case may be, in such a manner as to ensure your
54432 receiving said benefit.
54433 I ask this in my capacity as your elected intermediary between
54434 yourself and that which may have an interest in the matter of your receiving
54435 as much as it is possible for you to receive of this thing, and which may
54436 in some way be influenced by this ceremony.
54438 -- Roger Zelazny, "Creatures of Light and Darkness"
54440 To understand a program you must become both the machine and the program.
54442 To understand the heart and mind of a person, look not at what
54443 he has already achieved, but at what he aspires to do.
54445 To understand this important story, you have to understand how the
54446 telephone company works. Your telephone is connected to a local
54447 computer, which is in turn connected to a regional computer, which is
54448 in turn connected to a loudspeaker the size of a garbage truck on the
54449 lawn of Edna A. Bargewater of Lawrence, Kan.
54451 Whenever you talk on the phone, your local computer listens in. If it
54452 suspects you're going to discuss an intimate topic, it notifies the
54453 computer above it, which listens in and decides whether to alert the
54454 one above it, until finally, if you really humiliate yourself, maybe
54455 break down in tears and tell your closest friend about a sordid
54456 incident from your past involving a seedy motel, a neighbor's spouse,
54457 an entire religious order, a garden hose and six quarts of tapioca
54458 pudding, the top computer feeds your conversation into Edna's
54459 loudspeaker, and she and her friends come out on the porch to listen
54460 and drink gin and laugh themselves silly.
54461 -- Dave Barry, "Won't It Be Just Great Owning Our Own
54464 To use violence is to already be defeated.
54467 "To vacillate or not to vacillate, that is the question ... or is it?"
54469 To whom the mornings are like nights,
54470 What must the midnights be!
54471 -- Emily Dickinson (on hacking?)
54473 To write a sonnet you must ruthlessly
54474 strip down your words to naked, willing flesh.
54475 Then bind them to a metaphor or three,
54476 and take by force a satisfying mesh.
54477 Arrange them to your will, each foot in place.
54478 You are the master here, and they the slaves.
54479 Now whip them to maintain a constant pace
54480 and rhythm as they stand in even staves.
54481 A word that strikes no pleasure? Cast it out!
54482 What use are words that drive not to the heart?
54483 A lazy phrase? Discard it, shrug off doubt,
54484 and choose more docile words to take its part.
54485 A well-trained sonnet lives to entertain,
54486 by making love directly to the brain.
54488 "To YOU I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition."
54491 Tobacco is a filthy weed,
54492 That from the devil does proceed;
54493 It drains your purse, it burns your clothes,
54494 And makes a chimney of your nose.
54498 A nice place to visit, but you can't stay here for long.
54500 Today is a good day for information-gathering.
54501 Read someone else's mail file.
54503 Today is a good day to bribe a high-ranking public official.
54505 Today is National Existential Ennui Awareness Day.
54507 Today is the first day of the rest of the mess.
54509 Today is the first day of the rest of your life.
54511 Today is the first day of the rest of your lossage.
54513 Today is the last day of your life so far.
54515 Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.
54517 Today is what happened to yesterday.
54519 "Today, of course, it is considered very poor taste to use the F-word
54520 except in major motion pictures."
54521 -- Dave Barry, "$#$%#^%!^%&@%@!"
54523 Today when a man gets married he gets a home, a housekeeper, a cook, a
54524 cheering squad and another paycheck. When a woman marries, she gets a
54527 Today you'll start getting heavy metal radio on your dentures.
54529 Today's scientific question is: What in the world is electricity?
54531 And where does it go after it leaves the toaster?
54532 -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"
54534 "Today's thrilling story has been brought to you by Mushies, the great new
54535 cereal that gets soggy even without milk or cream. Join us soon for more
54536 spectacular adventure starring ... Tippy, the Wonder Dog."
54539 Today's weirdness is tomorrow's reason why.
54540 -- Hunter S. Thompson
54542 Toddlers are the stormtroopers of the Lord of Entropy.
54544 Toilet Toup'
\bee, n.:
54545 Any shag carpet that causes the lid to become top-heavy, thus
54546 creating endless annoyance to male users.
54547 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
54549 Tomorrow, this will be part of the unchangeable past
54550 but fortunately, it can still be changed today.
54552 Tomorrow will be canceled due to lack of interest.
54554 Tomorrow will be cancelled due to lack of interest.
54556 Tomorrow, you can be anywhere.
54558 Tomorrow's computers some time next month.
54561 Tom's hungry, time to eat lunch.
54563 Tonight you will pay the wages of sin;
54564 Don't forget to leave a tip.
54566 Tonight's the night: Sleep in a eucalyptus tree.
54568 Toni's Solution to a Guilt-Free Life:
54569 If you have to lie to someone, it's their fault.
54571 Too bad all the people who know how to run the country are busy
54572 driving cabs and cutting hair.
54575 TOO BAD YOU CAN'T BUY a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin
54576 real fast and freak everybody out.
54577 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican", 1988.
54579 Too clever is dumb.
54582 Too cool to calypso,
54583 Too tough to tango,
54584 Too weird to watusi
54588 A large number of turkies [sic] went to San Francisco yesterday by
54589 the two o'clock boats. If their object in going down was to participate in
54590 the Thanksgiving festivities of that city, they would arrive "the day after
54591 the affair," and of course be sadly disappointed thereby.
54592 -- Sacramento Daily Union, November 29, 1861
54594 Too many people are thinking of security instead of opportunity.
54595 They seem more afraid of life than death.
54598 Too much is just enough.
54599 -- Mark Twain, on whiskey
54601 Too much is not enough.
54603 Too much of a good thing is WONDERFUL.
54606 Too much of everything is just enough.
54609 Too often I find that the volume of paper expands to fill the available
54611 -- Governor Jerry Brown
54613 Too often people have come to me and said, "If I had just one wish for
54614 anything in all the world, I would wish for more user-defined equations
54615 in the HP-51820A Waveform Generator Software."
54617 [Once is too often. Ed.]
54619 Too ripped. Gotta go.
54621 Toothpaste never hurts the taste of good scotch.
54623 Top 10 things likely to be overheard if you had a Klingon Programmer:
54625 10) Specifications are for the weak and timid!
54626 9) You question the worthiness of my code? I should kill you where you stand!
54627 8) Indentation?! - I will show you how to indent when I indent your skull!
54628 7) What is this talk of 'release'? Klingons do not make software 'releases'.
54629 Our software 'escapes' leaving a bloody trail of designers and quality
54630 assurance people in its wake.
54631 6) Klingon function calls do not have 'parameters' - they have 'arguments'
54632 - and they ALWAYS WIN THEM.
54633 5) Debugging? Klingons do not debug. Our software does not coddle the weak.
54634 4) A TRUE Klingon Warrior does not comment his code!
54635 3) Klingon software does NOT have BUGS. It has FEATURES, and those features
54636 are too sophisticated for a Romulan pig like you to understand.
54637 2) You cannot truly appreciate Dilbert unless you've read it in the
54639 1) Our users will know fear and cower before our software! Ship it!
54640 Ship it and let them flee like the dogs they are!
54642 Top scientists agree that with the present rate of consumption, the
54643 earth's supply of gravity will be exhausted before the 24th century.
54644 As man struggles to discover cheaper alternatives, we need your help.
54649 Follow these simple suggestions:
54651 (1) Walk with a light step. Carry helium balloons if possible.
54652 (2) Use tape, magnets, or glue instead of paperweights.
54653 (3) Give up skiing and skydiving for more horizontal sports like
54655 (4) Avoid showers ... take baths instead.
54656 (5) Don't hang all your clothes in the closet ... Keep them in one big
54658 (6) Stop flipping pancakes
54660 Top Ten Things Overheard At The ANSI C Draft Committee Meetings:
54662 10: Sorry, but that's too useful.
54663 9: Dammit, little-endian systems *are* more consistent!
54664 8: I'm on the committee and I *still* don't know what the hell
54666 7: Well, it's an excellent idea, but it would make the compilers too
54668 6: Them bats is smart; they use radar.
54669 5: All right, who's the wiseguy who stuck this trigraph stuff in here?
54670 4: How many times do we have to tell you, "No prior art!"
54671 3: Ha, ha, I can't believe they're actually going to adopt this sucker.
54672 2: Thank you for your generous donation, Mr. Wirth.
54673 1: Gee, I wish we hadn't backed down on "noalias".
54675 Topologists are just plane folks.
54676 Pilots are just plane folks.
54677 Carpenters are just plane folks.
54678 Midwest farmers are just plain folks.
54679 Musicians are just playin' folks.
54680 Whodunit readers are just Spillaine folks.
54681 Some Londoners are just P. Lane folks.
54685 Total strangers need love, too; and I'm stranger than most.
54687 TOTD (T-shirt Of The Day):
54688 I'm the person your mother warned you about.
54690 Toto, I don't think we're in Kansas anymore.
54691 -- Judy Garland, "Wizard of Oz"
54693 Tourists -- have some fun with New York's hard-boiled cabbies. When you
54694 get to your destination, say to your driver, "Pay? I was hitch-hiking."
54697 Tout choses sont dites deja, mais comme
54698 personne n'ecoute, il faut toujours recommencer.
54701 Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.
54704 TRANSACTION CANCELLED - FARECARD RETURNED
54707 A promotion you receive on the condition that you leave town.
54710 Being or pertaining to an existing, nontangible object.
54711 "It's there, but you can't see it"
54712 -- IBM System/360 announcement, 1964
54715 Being or pertaining to a tangible, nonexistent object.
54716 "I can see it, but it's not there."
54720 Someone who spends his junior year at college abroad.
54722 Trap full -- please empty.
54725 Something that makes you feel like you're getting somewhere.
54727 Travel important today; Internal Revenue men arrive tomorrow.
54729 Traveling through hyperspace isn't like dusting crops, boy.
54732 Traveling through New England, a motorist stopped for gas in a tiny village.
54733 "What's this place called?" he asked the station attendant.
54734 "All depends," the native drawled. "Do you mean by them that has
54735 to live in this dad-blamed, moth-eaten, dust-covered, one-hoss dump, or
54736 by them that's merely enjoying its quaint and picturesque rustic charms
54737 for a short spell?"
54739 Treat your friend as if he might become an enemy.
54742 Treaties are like roses and young girls -- they last while they last.
54743 -- Charles DeGaulle
54745 Trifles make perfection, and perfection is no trifle.
54748 Troglodytism does not necessarily imply a low cultural level.
54750 Trouble always comes at the wrong time.
54752 Trouble strikes in series of threes, but when working around the house the
54753 next job after a series of three is not the fourth job -- it's the start of
54754 a brand new series of three.
54756 Troubled day for virgins over 16 who are beautiful, wealthy, and live
54757 in eucalyptus trees.
54759 Troubled day for virgins over 16 who are
54760 beautiful and wealthy and live in eucalyptus trees.
54762 Troubles are like babies; they only grow by nursing.
54764 True happiness will be found only in true love.
54766 True leadership is the art of changing
54767 a group from what it is to what it ought to be.
54770 True to our past we work with an inherited, observed, and accepted vision of
54771 personal futility, and of the beauty of the world.
54774 Truly great madness can not be achieved without significant
54778 Truly simple systems... require infinite testing.
54779 -- Norman Augustine
54781 Trust everybody, but cut the cards.
54782 -- Finlay Peter Dunne, "Mr. Dooley's Philosophy"
54784 Trust in Allah, but tie your camel.
54788 Get me, give me, buy me, do me.
54791 Translation of the Latin "caveat emptor."
54793 Trust your husband, adore your husband,
54794 and get as much as you can in your own name.
54797 Truth can wait; he's used to it.
54799 Truth has no special time of its own. Its hour is now -- always.
54800 -- Albert Schweitzer
54802 Truth is free, but information costs.
54804 Truth is hard to find and harder to obscure.
54806 "Truth is stranger than fiction, because fiction has to make sense."
54808 Truth is the most valuable thing we have -- so let us economize it.
54811 Truth never comes into the world but like a bastard, to the ignominy
54812 of him that brought her birth.
54815 Truth will be out this morning. (Which may really mess things up.)
54817 Truth will out this morning. (Which may really mess things up.)
54820 Dumb and illiterate.
54821 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
54825 Try not to have a good time ... This is supposed to be educational.
54833 Try `stty 0' -- it works much better.
54835 Try the Moo Shu Pork. It is especially good today.
54837 Try to be the best of whatever you are, even if what you are is no good.
54839 Try to divide your time evenly to keep others happy.
54841 Try to find the real tense of the report you are reading: Was it done,
54842 is it being done, or is something to be done? Reports are now written
54843 in four tenses: past tense, present tense, future tense, and
54844 pretense. Watch for novel uses of CONGRAM (CONtractor GRAMmer),
54845 defined by the imperfect past, the insufficient present, and the
54846 absolutely perfect future.
54849 Try to get all of your posthumous medals in advance.
54851 Try to have as good a life as you can under the circumstances.
54853 Try to relax and enjoy the crisis.
54854 -- Ashleigh Brilliant
54856 Try to value useful qualities in one who loves you.
54858 Trying to be happy is like trying to build a machine for which the only
54859 specification is that it should run noiselessly.
54861 Trying to define yourself is like trying to bite your own teeth.
54864 Trying to establish voice contact ... please ____
\b\b\b\byell into keyboard.
54866 Trying to get an education here is like
54867 trying to take a drink from a fire hose.
54870 Life is *not* a Cabaret, and stop calling me chum!
54872 Tuesday After Lunch is the cosmic time of the week.
54874 Tuesday is the Wednesday of the rest of your life.
54876 Turn on, tune in, and take over.
54879 Turn the other cheek.
54883 The attention span of a computer is only as long as its
54887 Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come.
54889 TV is chewing gum for the eyes.
54890 -- Frank Lloyd Wright
54892 'Twas a woman who drove me to drink,
54893 and I never even had the decency to thank her.
54896 "Twas bergen and the eirie road
54897 Did mahwah into patterson: "Beware the Hopatcong, my son!
54898 All jersey were the ocean groves, The teeth that bite, the nails
54899 And the red bank bayonne. that claw!
54900 Beware the bound brook bird, and shun
54901 He took his belmar blade in hand: The kearney communipaw."
54902 Long time the folsom foe he sought
54903 Till rested he by a bayway tree And, as in nutley thought he stood,
54904 And stood a while in thought. The Hopatcong with eyes of flame,
54905 Came whippany through the englewood,
54906 One, two, one, two, and through And garfield as it came.
54908 The belmar blade went hackensack! "And hast thou slain the Hopatcong?
54909 He left it dead and with it's head Come to my arms, my perth amboy!
54910 He went weehawken back. Hohokus day! Soho! Rahway!"
54911 He caldwell in his joy.
54912 Did mahwah into patterson:
54913 All jersey were the ocean groves,
54914 And the red bank bayonne.
54917 'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves And as in uffish thought he stood
54918 Did gyre and gimble in the wabe. The Jabberwock, with eyes aflame
54919 All mimsy were the borogroves Came whuffling through the tulgey wood
54920 And the mome raths outgrabe. And burbled as it came!
54922 "Beware the Jabberwock, my son! One! Two! One! Two!
54923 The jaws that bite, and through and through
54924 the claws that catch! The vorpal blade went snicker-snack.
54925 Beware the Jubjub bird, He left it dead, and took its head,
54926 And shun the frumious Bandersnatch!" And went galumphing back.
54928 He took his vorpal sword in hand "Hast thou slain the Jabberwock?
54929 Long time the manxome foe he sought. Come to my arms, my beamish boy!
54930 So rested he by the tumtum tree Oh frabjous day! Calooh! Callay!"
54931 And stood awhile in thought. He chortled in his joy.
54933 'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
54934 Did gyre and gimble in the wabe.
54935 All mimsy were the borogroves
54938 'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
54939 Did gyre and gimble in the wabe. "Beware the Jabberwock, my son!
54940 All mimsy were the borogroves The jaws that bite, the claws
54941 And the mome raths outgrabe. that catch!
54942 Beware the Jubjub bird,
54943 He took his vorpal sword in hand And shun the frumious Bandersnatch!"
54944 Long time the manxome foe he sought.
54945 So rested he by the tumtum tree And as in uffish thought he stood
54946 And stood awhile in thought. The Jabberwock, with eyes aflame
54947 Came whuffling through the tulgey wood
54948 One! Two! One! Two! And through and And burbled as it came!
54950 The vorpal blade went snicker-snack. "Hast thou slain the Jabberwock?
54951 He left it dead, and took its head, Come to my arms, my beamish boy!
54952 And went galumphing back. Oh frabjous day! Calooh! Callay!"
54953 He chortled in his joy.
54954 'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
54955 Did gyre and gimble in the wabe.
54956 All mimsy were the borogroves
54957 And the mome raths outgrabe.
54958 -- Lewis Carroll, "Jabberwocky"
54960 'Twas bullig, and the slithy brokers
54961 Did buy and gamble in the craze "Beware the Jabberstock, my son!
54962 All rosy were the Dow Jones stokers The cost that bites, the worth
54963 By market's wrath unphased. that falls!
54964 Beware the Econ'mist's word, and shun
54965 He took his forecast sword in hand: The spurious Street o' Walls!"
54966 Long time the Boesk'some foe he sought -
54967 Sake's liquidity, so d'vested he, And as in bearish thought he stood
54968 And stood awhile in thought. The Jabberstock, with clothes of tweed,
54969 Came waffling with the truth too good,
54970 Chip Black! Chip Blue! And through And yuppied great with greed!
54972 The forecast blade went snicker-snack! "And hast thou slain the Jabberstock?
54973 It bit the dirt, and with its shirt, Come to my firm, V.P.ish boy!
54974 He went rebounding back. O big bucks day! Moolah! Good Play!"
54975 He bought him a Mercedes Toy.
54976 'Twas panic, and the slithy brokers
54977 Did gyre and tumble in the Crash
54978 All flimsy were the Dow Jones stokers
54979 And mammon's wrath them bash!
54980 -- Peter Stucki, "Jabberstocky"
54982 'Twas midnight, and the UNIX hacks
54983 Did gyre and gimble in their cave
54984 All mimsy was the CS-VAX
54985 And Cory raths outgrave.
54987 "Beware the software rot, my son!
54988 The faults that bite, the jobs that thrash!
54989 Beware the broken pipe, and shun
54990 The frumious system crash!"
54992 'Twas midnight on the ocean, Her children all were orphans,
54993 Not a streetcar was in sight, Except one a tiny tot,
54994 So I stepped into a cigar store Who had a home across the way
54995 To ask them for a light. Above a vacant lot.
54997 The man behind the counter As I gazed through the oaken door
54998 Was a woman, old and gray, A whale went drifting by,
54999 Who used to peddle doughnuts Its six legs hanging in the air,
55000 On the road to Mandalay. So I kissed her goodbye.
55002 She said "Good morning, stranger", This story has a morale
55003 Her eyes were dry with tears, As you can plainly see,
55004 As she put her head between her feet Don't mix your gin with whiskey
55005 And stood that way for years. On the deep and dark blue sea.
55006 -- Midnight On The Ocean
55008 'Twas the night before Christmas -- the very last one --
55009 When the blazing of lasers destroyed all our fun.
55010 Just as Santa had lifted off, driving his sleigh,
55011 A satellite spotted him making his way.
55012 The Star Wars Defense System -- Reagan's desire
55013 Was ready for action, and started to fire!
55014 The laser beams criss-crossed and lit up the sky
55015 Like a fireworks show on the Fourth of July.
55016 I'd just finished wrapping the last of the toys
55017 When out of my chimney there came a great noise.
55018 I looked to the fireplace, hoping to see
55019 St. Nick bringing presents for missus and me.
55020 But what I saw next was disturbing and shocking:
55021 A flaming red jacket setting fire to my stocking!
55022 Charred reindeer remains and a melted sleigh-bell;
55023 Outside burning toys like confetti they fell.
55024 So now you know, children, why Christmas is gone:
55025 The Star Wars computer had got something wrong.
55026 Only programmed for battle, it hadn't a heart;
55027 'Twas hardly a chance it would work from the start.
55028 It couldn't be tested, and no one could tell,
55029 If the crazy contraption would work very well.
55030 So after a trillion or two had been spent
55031 The system thought Santa a Red missile sent.
55032 So kids dry your tears now, and get off to bed,
55033 There won't be a Christmas -- since Santa is dead.
55035 'Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period
55036 preceding the annual Yuletide celebration, And
55037 throughout our place of residence,
55038 Kinetic activity was not in evidence among the
55039 possessors of this potential, including that
55040 species of domestic rodent known as Mus musculus.
55041 Hosiery was meticulously suspended from the forward
55042 edge of the woodburning caloric apparatus,
55043 Pursuant to our anticipatory pleasure regarding an
55044 imminent visitation from an eccentric
55045 philanthropist among whose folkloric appelations
55046 is the honorific title of St. Nicklaus ...
55048 Twenty Percent of Zero is Better than Nothing.
55051 Twenty two thousand days.
55052 Twenty two thousand days.
55054 It's all you've got.
55055 Twenty two thousand days.
55056 -- Moody Blues, "Twenty Two Thousand Days"
55058 Two battleships assigned to the training squadron had been at sea on maneuvers
55059 in heavy weather for several days. I was serving on the lead battleship and
55060 was on watch on the bridge as night fell. The visibility was poor with patchy
55061 fog, so the Captain remained on the bridge keeping an eye on all activities.
55062 Shortly after dark, the lookout on the wing of the bridge reported,
55063 "Light, bearing on the starboard bow."
55064 "Is it steady or moving astern?" the Captain called out.
55065 Lookout replied, "Steady, Captain," which meant we were on a dangerous
55066 collision course with that ship.
55067 The Captain then called to the signalman, "Signal that ship: We are on
55068 a collision course, advise you change course 20 degrees."
55069 Back came a signal "Advisable for you to change course 20 degrees."
55070 In reply, the Captain said, "Send: I'm a Captain, change course 20
55072 "I'm a seaman second class," came the reply, "You had better change
55073 course 20 degrees."
55074 By that time, the Captain was furious. He spit out, "Send: I'm a
55075 battleship, change course 20 degrees."
55076 Back came the flashing light: "I'm a lighthouse!"
55078 -- The Naval Institute's "Proceedings"
55080 Two can Live as Cheaply as One for Half as Long.
55083 Two cars in every pot and a chicken in every garage.
55085 Two Finns and a penguin are sitting on the front porch of a large house. The
55086 penguin is dripping in sweat; his owner looks down and says to the other Finn,
55087 "Hey Urho, I want that you should take the penguin to the zoo, okay?" The
55088 owner then runs off to the sauna. When he gets out of the sauna, he looks
55089 up at the porch, and sure enough, there is Urho and the penguin, sweating
55090 away. So he yells out "Hey, Urho, I thought I told you to take the penguin to
55091 the zoo, I did." And Urho yells back "Yup, and tomorrow we're going to
55094 Two friends were out drinking when suddenly one lurched backward off his
55095 barstool and lay motionless on the floor.
55096 "One thing about Jim," the other said to the bartender, "he sure
55097 knows when to stop."
55099 Two heads are better than one.
55102 Two heads are more numerous than one.
55104 Two hundred years ago today, Irma Chine of White Plains, New York, was
55105 performing her normal housekeeping routines. She was interrupted by
55106 British soldiers who, rallying to the call of their supervisor, General
55107 Hughes, sought to gain control of the voter registration lists kept in
55108 her home. Masking her fear and thinking fast, Mrs. Chine quickly divided
55109 a nearby apple in two and deftly stored the list in its center. Upon
55110 entering, the British blatantly violated every conceivable convention,
55111 and, though they went through the house virtually bit by bit, their
55112 search was fruitless. They had to return empty handed. Word of the
55113 incident propagated rapidly through the region. This historic event
55114 became the first documented use of core storage for the saving of registers.
55116 Two is company, three is an orgy.
55118 Two is not equal to three, even for large values of two.
55120 Two men are in a hot-air balloon. Soon, they find themselves lost in a
55121 canyon somewhere. One of the three men says, "I've got an idea. We can
55122 call for help in this canyon and the echo will carry our voices to the
55123 end of the canyon. Someone's bound to hear us by then!"
55124 So he leans over the basket and screams out, "Helllloooooo! Where
55125 are we?" (They hear the echo several times).
55126 Fifteen minutes later, they hear this echoing voice: "Helllloooooo!
55128 The shouter comments, "That must have been a mathematician."
55129 Puzzled, his friend asks, "Why do you say that?"
55130 "For three reasons. First, he took a long time to answer, second,
55131 he was absolutely correct, and, third, his answer was absolutely useless."
55133 Two men came before Nasrudin when he was magistrate. The first man
55134 said, "This man has bitten my ear -- I demand compensation." The
55135 second man said, "He bit it himself." Nasrudin withdrew to his
55136 chambers, and spent an hour trying to bite his own ear. He succeeded
55137 only in falling over and bruising his forehead. Returning to the
55138 courtroom, Nasrudin pronounced, "Examine the man whose ear was bitten.
55139 If his forehead is bruised, he did it himself and the case is
55140 dismissed. If his forehead is not bruised, the other man did it and
55141 must pay three silver pieces."
55143 Two men look out through the same bars; one sees mud, and one the stars.
55145 Two men were sitting over coffee, contemplating the nature of things,
55146 with all due respect for their breakfast. "I wonder why it is that
55147 toast always falls on the buttered side," said one.
55148 "Tell me," replied his friend, "why you say such a thing. Look
55149 at this." And he dropped his toast on the floor, where it landed on the
55151 "So, what have you to say for your theory now?"
55152 "What am I to say? You obviously buttered the wrong side."
55154 Two peanuts were walking through the New York. One was assaulted.
55156 Two percent of zero is almost nothing.
55158 Two rights don't make a wrong, they make an airplane.
55160 Two Russian friends happen to meet in Red Square. One of them says, "By
55161 the way, did you hear that Romanov died?"
55162 "No," replied the other, "I didn't even know he'd been arrested!"
55164 Two sure ways to tell a REALLY sexy man; the first is, he has a bad memory.
55165 I forget the second.
55167 "Two sure ways to tell a sexy male; the first is, he has a bad memory.
55168 I forget the second."
55170 Two Swedish guys get of a ship and head for the nearest bars. Each one
55171 orders two vodkas and immediately downs them. They they order two more
55172 and once again quickly throw them back. They then order two more. When
55173 they arrive, one of them picks up his glass, and, turning to the other,
55174 toasts him, "Skoal!"
55175 The other turns to the first man and scolds, "Hey! Did you come
55176 here to screw around, or did you come here to drink?"
55178 Two wrongs are only the beginning.
55181 Two wrongs don't make a right, but they make a good excuse.
55184 Two wrongs don't make a right, but three lefts do.
55186 Tyger, Tyger, burning bright Where the hammer? Where the chain?
55187 In the forests of the night, In what furnace was thy brain?
55188 What immortal hand or eye What the anvil? What dread grasp
55189 Dare frame thy fearful symmetry? Dare its deadly terrors clasp?
55191 Burnt in distant deeps or skies When the stars threw down their spears
55192 The cruel fire of thine eyes? And water'd heaven with their tears
55193 On what wings dare he aspire? Dare he laugh his work to see?
55194 What the hand dare seize the fire? Dare he who made the lamb make thee?
55196 And what shoulder & what art Tyger, Tyger, burning bright
55197 Could twist the sinews of they heart? In the forests of the night,
55198 And when thy heart began to beat What immortal hand or eye
55199 What dread hand & what dread feet Dare frame thy fearful symmetry?
55201 Could fetch it from the furnace deep
55202 And in thy horrid ribs dare steep
55203 In the well of sanguine woe?
55204 In what clay & in what mould
55205 Were thy eyes of fury roll'd?
55206 -- William Blake, "The Tyger"
55208 Type louder, please.
55210 U: There's a U -- a Unicorn!
55211 Run right up and rub its horn.
55212 Look at all those points you're losing!
55213 UMBER HULKS are so confusing.
55214 -- The Roguelet's ABC
55216 "Ubi non accusator, ibi non judex."
55218 (Where there is no police, there is no speed limit.)
55219 -- Roman Law, trans. Petr Beckmann (1971)
55221 Udall's Fourth Law:
55222 Any change or reform you make
55223 is going to have consequences you don't like.
55225 UFO's are for real: the Air Force doesn't exist.
55227 Uh-oh -- I've let the cat out of the bag. Let me, then,
55228 straightforwardly state the thesis I shall now elaborate:
55229 Making variations on a theme is really the crux of creativity.
55230 -- Douglas R. Hofstadter, "Metamagical Themas"
55232 Ummm, well, OK. The network's the network, the computer's the computer.
55233 Sorry for the confusion.
55234 -- Sun Microsystems
55236 Unbearably lovely music is heard as the curtain rises, and we see the
55237 woods on a summer afternoon. A fawn dances on and nibbles at some
55238 leaves. He drifts lazily through the soft foliage. Soon he starts
55239 coughing and drops dead.
55240 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
55242 "Uncle Cosmo ... why do they call this a word processor?"
55244 "It's simple, Skyler ... you've seen what food processors do to food,
55246 -- MacNelley, "Shoe"
55248 Uncle Cosmo, why do they call this a word processor?
55249 It's simple, Skyler. You've seen what food processors do to food, right?
55251 Uncle Ed's Rule of Thumb:
55252 Never use your thumb for a rule. You'll either hit it with a
55253 hammer or get a splinter in it.
55255 Under a government which imprisons any unjustly, the true place for a
55256 just man is also in prison.
55257 -- Henry David Thoreau
55259 Under any conditions, anywhere, whatever you are doing, there is some
55260 ordinance under which you can be booked.
55261 -- Robert D. Sprecht, Rand Corp.
55263 Under capitalism, man exploits man.
55264 Under communism, it's just the opposite.
55267 Under deadline pressure for the next week. If you want something, it
55268 can wait. Unless it's blind screaming paroxysmally hedonistic ...
55270 Under every stone lurks a politician.
55273 Under the wide an starry sky,
55274 Dig my grave and let me lie,
55275 Glad did I live and gladly die,
55276 And laid me down with a will,
55277 And this be the verse that you grave for me,
55278 Here he lies where he longed to be,
55279 Home is the sailor home from the sea,
55280 And the hunter home from the hill.
55283 Under the wide and heavy VAX
55284 Dig my grave and let me relax
55285 Long have I lived, and many my hacks
55286 And I lay me down with a will.
55287 These be the words that tell the way:
55288 "Here he lies who piped 64K,
55289 Brought down the machine for nearly a day,
55290 And Rogue playing to an awful standstill."
55292 Underlying Principle of Socio-Genetics:
55293 Superiority is recessive.
55296 To reach a point, in your investigation of some subject, at which
55297 you cease to examine what is really present, and operate on the
55298 basis of your own internal model instead.
55300 Understanding is always the understanding of a smaller problem
55301 in relation to a bigger problem.
55304 Unfair animal names:
55306 -- tsetse fly -- bullhead
55307 -- booby -- duck-billed platypus
55308 -- sapsucker -- Clarence
55311 UNFAIR COMPETITION:
55312 Selling cheaper than we do.
55314 Unfortunately, most programmers like to play with new toys. I have many
55315 friends who, immediately upon buying a snakebite kit, would be tempted to
55316 throw the first person they see to the ground, tie the tourniquet on him,
55317 slash him with the knife, and apply suction to the wound.
55320 Unhappy the land that needs heroes.
55324 A dues-paying club workers wield to strike management.
55326 United Nations, New York, December 25. The peace and joy of the
55327 Christmas season was marred by a proclamation of a general strike of
55328 all the military forces of the world. Panic reigns in the hearts of
55329 all the patriots of every persuasion.
55331 Meanwhile, fears of universal disaster sank to an all-time low over the
55338 Universities are places of knowledge. The freshman each bring a little
55339 in with them, and the seniors take none away, so knowledge accumulates.
55342 Like a software house, except the software's free, and it's
55343 usable, and it works, and if it breaks they'll quickly tell you how to
55347 Like a software house, except the software's free, and it's
55348 usable, and it works, and if it breaks they'll quickly tell you how to
55351 [Okay, okay, I'll leave it in, but I think you're destroying
55352 the credibility of the entire fortune program. Ed.]
55354 University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small.
55357 UNIX enhancements aren't.
55359 Unix gives you just enough rope to hang yourself -- and then a couple
55360 of more feet, just to be sure.
55364 -- Rob Gingell on Sun Microsystems' new virtual memory
55366 Unix is a lot more complicated (than CP/M) of course -- the typical Unix
55367 hacker can never remember what the PRINT command is called this week --
55368 but when it gets right down to it, Unix is a glorified video game.
55369 People don't do serious work on Unix systems; they send jokes around the
55370 world on USENET or write adventure games and research papers.
55372 "Real Programmers Don't Use Pascal", "Datamation", 7/83
55374 Unix is a Registered Bell of AT&T Trademark Laboratories.
55377 UNIX is hot. It's more than hot. It's steaming. It's quicksilver
55378 lightning with a laserbeam kicker.
55379 -- Michael Jay Tucker
55381 UNIX is many things to many people,
55382 but it's never been everything to anybody.
55384 Unix is the worst operating system; except for all others.
55388 A computer operating system, once thought to be flabby and
55389 impotent, that now shows a surprising interest in making off
55390 with the workstation harem.
55392 unix soit qui mal y pense
55394 UNIX was half a billion (500000000) seconds old on
55395 Tue Nov 5 00:53:20 1985 GMT (measuring since the time(2) epoch).
55396 -- Andrew S. Tanenbaum
55398 UNIX was not designed to stop you from doing stupid things, because that
55399 would also stop you from doing clever things.
55402 Unix will self-destruct in five seconds... 4... 3... 2... 1...
55404 Unknown person(s) stole the American flag from its pole in Etra Park sometime
55405 between 3pm Jan 17 and 11:30 am Jan 20. The flag is described as red, white
55406 and blue, having 50 stars and was valued at $40.
55407 -- Windsor-Heights Herald "Police Blotter", Jan 28, 1987
55409 Unless hours were cups of sack, and minutes capons, and clocks the tongues
55410 of bawds, and dials the signs of leaping houses, and the blessed sun himself
55411 a fair, hot wench in flame-colored taffeta, I see no reason why thou shouldst
55412 be so superfluous to demand the time of the day. I wasted time and now doth
55414 -- William Shakespeare
55416 Unless you love someone, nothing else makes any sense.
55420 If it happens, it must be possible.
55422 Unprovided with original learning, unformed in the habits of thinking,
55423 unskilled in the arts of composition, I resolved to write a book.
55426 Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American now pays out
55427 twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages.
55430 Until Eve arrived, this was a man's world.
55434 What you left out on April 15th.
55436 Up against the net, redneck mother,
55437 Mother who has raised your son so well;
55438 He's seventeen and hackin' on a Macintosh,
55439 Flaming spelling errors and raisin' hell...
55441 Usage: fortune -P [-f] -a [xsz] Q: file [rKe9] -v6[+] file1 ...
55443 Usage: fortune -P [] -a [xsz] [Q: [file]] [rKe9] -v6[+] dataspec ... inputdir
55445 Use a pun, go to jail.
55447 Use an accordion. Go to jail.
55448 -- KFOG, San Francisco
55450 Use what talents you possess: the woods would be very silent
55451 if no birds sang there except those that sang best.
55454 USENET would be a better laboratory is there were
55455 more labor and less oratory.
55461 A programmer who will believe anything you tell him.
55464 The word computer professionals use when they mean "idiot."
55465 -- Dave Barry, "Claw Your Way to the Top"
55468 The word computer professionals use when they mean "idiot."
55469 -- Dave Barry, "Claw Your Way to the Top"
55471 [I always thought "computer professional" was the phrase hackers used
55472 when they meant "idiot." Ed.]
55474 Using TSO is like kicking a dead whale down the beach.
55477 Using [Windows] for any sort of serious work is like playing an old
55478 text-based adventure game. You're five feet from making it to your
55479 goal, when bup-POW! a ten ton rock falls on your head. Because you
55480 didn't disarm the trap three hours before. [...]
55482 I always hated those adventure games.
55485 Using words to describe magic is like using a screwdriver to cut roast beef.
55490 Usually, when a lot of men get together, it's called a war.
55491 -- Mel Brooks, "The Listener"
55493 Utility is when you have one telephone, luxury is when you have two,
55494 opulence is when you have three -- and paradise is when you have none.
55498 A two-week binge of rest and relaxation so intense that
55499 it takes another 50 weeks of your restrained workaday
55500 life-style to recuperate.
55502 Vail's Second Axiom:
55503 The amount of work to be done increases in proportion to the
55504 amount of work already completed.
55506 Valerie: Aww, Tom, you're going maudlin on me ...
55507 Tom: I reserve the right to wax maudlin as I wane eloquent ...
55511 An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
55514 Honesty is the best policy - there's less competition.
55517 Life is a whole series of circumstances beyond your control.
55520 Ordinary flavor, standard. See FLAVOR. When used of food,
55521 very often does not mean that the food is flavored with vanilla
55522 extract! For example, "vanilla-flavored won ton soup" (or simply
55523 "vanilla won ton soup") means ordinary won ton soup, as opposed to hot
55524 and sour won ton soup.
55526 Variables don't; constants aren't.
55530 Vegetables are what food eats.
55531 Fruit are vegetables that fool you by tasting good.
55532 Fish are fast moving vegetables.
55533 Mushrooms are what grows on vegetables when food's done with them.
55534 -- Meat Eater's Credo, according to Jim Williams
55536 Vegetarians beware! You are what you eat.
55538 Velilind's Laws of Experimentation:
55539 (1) If reproducibility may be a problem, conduct the test only
55541 (2) If a straight line fit is required, obtain only two data
55547 I came, I saw, I did a little shopping.
55549 Verba volant, scripta manent!
55551 Vermouth always makes me brilliant unless it makes me idiotic.
55554 Very few people do anything creative after the age of thirty-five. The
55555 reason is that very few people do anything creative before the age of
55559 Very few profundities can be expressed in less than 80 characters.
55561 Very few things actually get manufactured these days, because in an
55562 infinitely large Universe, such as the one in which we live, most things one
55563 could possibly imagine, and a lot of things one would rather not, grow
55564 somewhere. A forest was discovered recently in which most of the trees grew
55565 ratchet screwdrivers as fruit. The life cycle of the ratchet screwdriver is
55566 quite interesting. Once picked it needs a dark dusty drawer in which it can
55567 lie undisturbed for years. Then one night it suddenly hatches, discards its
55568 outer skin that crumbles into dust, and emerges as a totally unidentifiable
55569 little metal object with flanges at both ends and a sort of ridge and a hole
55570 for a screw. This, when found, will get thrown away. No one knows what the
55571 screwdriver is supposed to gain from this. Nature, in her infinite wisdom,
55572 is presumably working on it.
55574 Very few things happen at the right time, and the rest do not happen
55575 at all. The conscientious historian will correct these defects.
55578 Vests are to suits as seat-belts are to cars.
55581 A hungry dog hunts best.
55582 A hungrier dog hunts even better.
55584 Decreased business base increases overhead.
55585 So does increased business base.
55587 The most unsuccessful four years in the education of a cost-estimator
55588 is fifth grade arithmetic.
55590 Acronyms and abbreviations should be used to the maximum extent
55591 possible to make trivial ideas profound. Q.E.D.
55593 Bulls do not win bull fights; people do.
55594 People do not win people fights; lawyers do.
55595 -- Norman Augustine
55597 Victory uber allies!
55600 1. Daring Scandinavian seafarers, explorers, adventurers,
55601 entrepreneurs world-famous for their aggressive, nautical import
55602 business, highly leveraged takeovers and blue eyes.
55603 2. Bloodthirsty sea pirates who ravaged northern Europe beginning
55604 in the 9th century.
55606 Hagar's note: The first definition is much preferred; the second is used
55607 only by malcontents, the envious, and disgruntled owners of waterfront
55610 Vila: "I think I have just made the biggest mistake of my life."
55611 Orac: "It is unlikely. I would predict there are far greater mistakes
55612 waiting to be made by someone with your obvious talent for it."
55615 [I came, I saw, I conquered].
55616 -- Gaius Julius Caesar
55618 Violence is a sword that has no handle -- you have to hold the blade.
55620 Violence is molding.
55622 Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.
55625 Violence stinks, no matter which end of it you're on. But now and then
55626 there's nothing left to do but hit the other person over the head with a
55627 frying pan. Sometimes people are just begging for that frypan, and if we
55628 weaken for a moment and honor their request, we should regard it as
55629 impulsive philanthropy, which we aren't in any position to afford, but
55630 shouldn't regret it too loudly lest we spoil the purity of the deed.
55634 A group of beautifully mounted hunters galloping behind
55635 baying hounds in pursuit of a union organizer.
55637 Virginia law forbids bathtubs in the house; tubs must be kept in the
55640 VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept 22)
55641 Learn something new today, like how to spell or how to count to
55642 ten without using your fingers. Be careful dressing this
55643 morning. You may be hit by a car later in the day and you
55644 wouldn't want to be taken to the doctor's office in some of
55645 that old underwear you own.
55647 VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept 22)
55648 You are the logical type and hate disorder. This nitpicking is
55649 sickening to your friends. You are cold and unemotional and
55650 sometimes fall asleep while making love. Virgos make good bus
55653 "Virtual" means never knowing where your next byte is coming from.
55655 Virtue does not always demand a heavy sacrifice --
55656 only the willingness to make it when necessary.
55659 Virtue is its own punishment.
55662 Virtue is not left to stand alone.
55663 He who practices it will have neighbors.
55666 Virtue would go far if vanity did not keep it company.
55667 -- La Rochefoucauld
55669 Visit beautiful Vergas Minnesota.
55671 Visit beautiful Wisconsin Dells.
55673 Visits always give pleasure: if not on arrival, then on the departure.
55674 -- Edouard Le Berquier, "Pensees des Autres"
55676 Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by spontaneously moving
55677 from where you left them to where you can't find them.
55679 Vitamin C deficiency is apauling.
55681 VMS is like a nightmare about RSX-11M.
55684 The world's foremost multi-user adventure game.
55686 VMS version 2.0 ==>
55688 Voiceless it cries,
55694 A mountain with hiccups.
55696 Volcanoes have a grandeur that is grim
55697 And earthquakes only terrify the dolts,
55698 And to him who's scientific
55699 There is nothing that's terrific
55700 In the pattern of a flight of thunderbolts!
55701 -- W. S. Gilbert, "The Mikado"
55704 It is better to have lobbed and lost
55705 than never to have lobbed at all.
55707 Von Neumann was the subject of many dotty professor stories. Von Neumann
55708 supposedly had the habit of simply writing answers to homework assignments on
55709 the board (the method of solution being, of course, obvious) when he was asked
55710 how to solve problems. One time one of his students tried to get more helpful
55711 information by asking if there was another way to solve the problem. Von
55712 Neumann looked blank for a moment, thought, and then answered, "Yes.".
55716 Vote early and vote often.
55717 -- Al Capone's slogan for Big Bill Thompson's anti-reform
55718 campaign for Mayor of Chicago, 1926. Big Bill won.
55720 Vote for ME -- I'm well-tapered, half-cocked, ill-conceived and
55724 The feeling that you've *never*, *ever* been in this situation before.
55726 VYARZERZOMANIMORORSEZASSEZANSERAREORSES?
55728 Wad some power the giftie gie us
55729 To see oursels as others see us.
55732 Wagner's music is better than it sounds.
55735 Wait for that wisest of all counselors, Time.
55738 Waiter: "Tea or coffee, gentlemen?"
55739 1st customer: "I'll have tea."
55740 2nd customer: "Me, too -- and be sure the glass is clean!"
55741 (Waiter exits, returns)
55742 Waiter: "Two teas. Which one asked for the clean glass?"
55744 Wake up all you citizens, hear your country's call,
55745 Not to arms and violence, But peace for one and all.
55746 Crush out hate and prejudice, fear and greed and sin,
55747 Help bring back her dignity, restore her faith again.
55749 Work hard for a common cause, don't let our country fall.
55750 Make her proud and strong again, democracy for all.
55751 Yes, make our country strong again, keep our flag unfurled.
55752 Make our country well again, respected by the world.
55754 Make her whole and beautiful, work from sun to sun.
55755 Stand tall and labor side by side, because there's so much to be done.
55756 Yes, make her whole and beautiful, united strong and free,
55757 Wake up, all you citizens, It's up to you and me.
55758 -- Pansy Myers Schroeder
55760 Wake up and smell the coffee.
55763 Waking a person unnecessarily should not be considered
55764 a capital crime. For a first offense, that is.
55766 Walk softly and carry a big stick.
55767 -- Theodore Roosevelt
55769 Walk softly and carry a megawatt laser.
55771 Walking on water wasn't built in a day.
55774 Walt: Dad, what's gradual school?
55775 Garp: Gradual school?
55776 Walt: Yeah. Mom says her work's more fun now that she's teaching
55778 Garp: Oh. Well, gradual school is someplace you go and gradually
55779 find out that you don't want to go to school anymore.
55780 -- The World According To Garp
55783 All airline flights depart from the gates most distant from
55784 the center of the terminal. Nobody ever had a reservation
55785 on a plane that left Gate 1.
55789 Wanna tell you all a story 'bout a man named Jed,
55790 A poor mountaineer, barely kept his family fed.
55791 But then one day he was shootin' at some food,
55792 When up through the ground come a bubblin' crude -- oil, that is;
55793 black gold; "Texas tea" ...
55795 Well the next thing ya know, old Jed's a millionaire.
55796 The kinfolk said, "Jed, move away from there!"
55797 They said, "Californy is the place ya oughta be",
55798 So they loaded up the truck and they moved to Beverly -- Hills, that is;
55799 swimmin' pools; movie stars.
55801 War doesn't prove who's right, just who's left.
55803 War hath no fury like a non-combatant.
55804 -- Charles Edward Montague
55806 War is an equal opportunity destroyer.
55808 War is delightful to those who have had no experience of it.
55809 -- Desiderius Erasmus
55811 War is like love, it always finds a way.
55812 -- Bertolt Brecht, "Mother Courage"
55814 War is much too serious a matter to be entrusted to the military.
55817 War is peace. Freedom is slavery. Ketchup is a vegetable.
55819 War spares not the brave, but the cowardly.
55823 Reading this fortune can affect the dimensionality of your
55824 mind, change the curvature of your spine, cause the growth of hair on
55825 your palms, and make a difference in the outcome of your favorite war.
55828 This system is subject to breakdowns during periods of critical need!
55829 A special circuit in the computer called a "critical detector" senses the
55830 user's emotional state in terms of how desperate they are to get their program
55831 to run. The "critical detector" then creates a bug in the program proportional
55832 to the desperation of the user. Threatening the terminal with violence only
55833 aggravates the situation, causing the program to immediately crash or the
55834 entire system to go down. Likewise, attempts to use another terminal may cause
55835 it to core dump. (They all belong to the same LAN.) Keep cool and say nice
55836 things to the terminal.
55838 Warning: Do not look directly into laser with remaining eye.
55840 Warning: Listening to WXRT on April Fools' Day is not recommended for
55841 those who are slightly disoriented the first few hours after waking
55843 -- Chicago Reader 4/22/83
55845 Warning: Trespassers will be shot.
55846 Survivors will be shot again.
55849 This machine is subject to breakdowns during periods of critical need.
55851 A special circuit in the machine called "critical detector" senses the
55852 operator's emotional state in terms of how desperate he/she is to use the
55853 machine. The "critical detector" then creates a malfunction proportional
55854 to the desperation of the operator. Threatening the machine with violence
55855 only aggravates the situation. Likewise, attempts to use another machine
55856 may cause it to malfunction. They belong to the same union. Keep cool
55857 and say nice things to the machine. Nothing else seems to work.
55859 See also: flog(1), tm(1)
55861 Warp 7 -- It's a law we can live with.
55863 Was there a time when dancers with their fiddles
55864 In children's circuses could stay their troubles?
55865 There was a time they could cry over books,
55866 But time has set its maggot on their track.
55867 Under the arc of the sky they are unsafe.
55868 What's never known is safest in this life.
55869 Under the skysigns they who have no arms
55870 Have cleanest hands, and, as the heartless ghost
55871 Alone's unhurt, so the blind man sees best.
55872 -- Dylan Thomas, "Was There A Time"
55874 Washington, D.C. Wasting your money since 1810.
55876 Washington, D.C: Fifty square miles almost completely surrounded by reality.
55878 Washington [D.C.] is a city of Southern efficiency and Northern charm.
55881 [Washington, D.C.] is the home of... taste for
55882 the people -- the big, the bland and the banal.
55883 -- Ada Louise Huxtable
55885 Wasn't there something about a PASCAL programmer
55886 knowing the value of everything and the Wirth of nothing?
55888 Waste not fresh tears over old griefs.
55891 Waste not, get your budget cut next year.
55893 Wasting time is an important part of living.
55895 Watch all-night Donna Reed reruns until your mind resembles oatmeal.
55897 Watch your mouth, kid, or you'll find yourself floating home.
55900 Water, taken in moderation cannot hurt anybody.
55904 You've read the book. You've seen the movie. Now eat the stew!
55907 The reliability of machinery is inversely proportional to the
55908 number and significance of any persons watching it.
55911 The single most important word in the world.
55913 We all agree on the necessity of compromise. We just can't agree on
55914 when it's necessary to compromise.
55917 We all declare for liberty, but in using the
55918 same word we do not all mean the same thing.
55921 We all dream of being the darling of everybody's darling.
55923 We all know that no one understands anything that isn't funny.
55925 We all like praise, but a hike in our pay is the best kind of ways.
55927 We all live in a state of ambitious poverty.
55928 -- Decimus Junius Juvenalis
55930 We all live under the same sky, but we don't all have the same horizon.
55931 -- Dr. Konrad Adenauer
55933 We are all agreed that your theory is crazy. The question which
55934 divides us is whether it is crazy enough to have a chance of being
55935 correct. My own feeling is that it is not crazy enough.
55938 We are all born charming, fresh and spontaneous and must be civilized
55939 before we are fit to participate in society.
55940 -- Judith Martin, "Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly
55943 We are all born equal... just some of us are more equal than others.
55945 We are all born mad. Some remain so.
55948 We are all dying -- and we're gonna be dead for a long time.
55950 We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.
55953 We are all so much together and yet we are all dying of loneliness.
55954 -- Albert Schweitzer
55956 We are all worms. But I do believe I am a glowworm.
55957 -- Winston Churchill
55959 We are anthill men upon an anthill world.
55962 We ARE as gods and might as well get good at it.
55963 -- Whole Earth Catalog
55965 We are confronted with insurmountable opportunities.
55966 -- Walt Kelly, "Pogo"
55968 We are drowning in information but starved for knowledge.
55969 -- John Naisbitt, "Megatrends"
55971 We are each entitled to our own opinion, but no one is entitled to his
55973 -- Patrick Moynihan
55975 We are each only one drop in a great
55976 ocean -- but some of the drops sparkle!
55978 We are experiencing system trouble -- do not adjust your terminal.
55980 We are giving instruction to FBI agents in the various Chinese
55981 dialects ... to handle present and likely future contingencies.
55984 We are going to give a little something, a few little years more, to
55985 socialism, because socialism is defunct. It dies all by itself. The
55986 bad thing is that socialism, being a victim of its ... Did I say
55990 We are going to have peace even if we have to fight for it.
55991 -- Dwight D. Eisenhower
55993 We are Microsoft. Unix is irrelevant.
55994 Openness is futile. Prepare to be assimilated.
55996 We are not a clone.
55998 We are not a loved organization, but we are a respected one.
56003 We are not loved by our friends for what we are;
56004 rather, we are loved in spite of what we are.
56007 "We are on the verge: Today our program proved Fermat's next-to-last
56009 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
56011 We are preparing to think about contemplating preliminary work on plans to
56012 develop a schedule for producing the 10th Edition of the Unix Programmers
56016 We are simple killers of people and destroyers of property.
56018 We are so fond of each other because our ailments are the same.
56021 We are sorry. We cannot complete your call as dialed. Please check
56022 the number and dial again or ask your operator for assistance.
56024 This is a recording.
56026 We are stronger than our skin of flesh and metal, for we carry and
56027 share a spectrum of suns and lands that lends us legends as we craft
56028 our immortality and interweave our destinies of water and air,
56029 leaving shadows that gather color of their own, until they outshine
56030 the substance that cast them.
56032 We are the people our parents warned us about.
56034 We are the unwilling... led by the unqualified...
56035 to do the unnecessary... for the ungrateful...
56036 -- GI in Vietnam, 1970
56038 We are unavoidably drawn towards conservatism and death.
56039 The order is not insignificant.
56040 -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967)
56042 "We are upping our standards ... so up yours."
56043 -- Pat Paulsen for President, 1988
56045 We are what we are.
56047 We are what we pretend to be.
56048 -- Kurt Vonnegut Jr.
56050 We can defeat gravity. The problem is the paperwork involved.
56052 We can embody the truth, but we cannot know it.
56055 We can found no scientific discipline, nor a healthy profession on the
56056 technical mistakes of the Department of Defense and IBM.
56057 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
56059 We cannot command nature except by obeying her.
56060 -- Sir Francis Bacon
56062 We cannot do everything at once, but we can do something at once.
56065 We cannot put the face of a person on a stamp unless said person is
56066 deceased. My suggestion, therefore, is that you drop dead.
56067 -- James E. Day, Postmaster General
56069 We could do that, but it would be wrong, that's for sure.
56072 We could nuke Baghdad into glass, wipe it with Windex, tie fatback on our
56073 feet and go skating.
56074 -- Fred Reed, Air Force Times columnist
56076 We dedicate this book to our fellow citizens who, for love of truth,
56077 take from their own wants by taxes and gifts, and now and then send
56078 forth one of themselves as dedicated servant, to forward the search
56079 into the mysteries and marvelous simplicities of this strange and
56080 beautiful Universe, Our home.
56081 -- "Gravitation", Misner, Thorne, and Wheeler
56083 "We demand rigidly defined areas of doubt and uncertainty!"
56086 We don't believe in rheumatism and true love until after the first attack.
56087 -- Marie Ebner von Eschenbach
56089 "We don't care. We don't have to. We're the Phone Company."
56091 We don't care how they do it in New York.
56093 We don't have to protect the environment -- the Second Coming is at hand.
56094 -- James Watt, noted theologian
56096 We don't know one millionth of one percent about anything.
56098 We don't know who discovered water, but we're certain it wasn't a
56101 We don't know who it was that discovered water, but we're pretty sure
56102 that it wasn't a fish.
56103 -- Marshall McLuhan
56105 We don't like their sound. Groups of guitars are on the way out.
56106 -- Decca Recording Company, turning down the Beatles, 1962
56108 We don't need no education, we don't need no thought control.
56111 We don't need no indirection We don't need no compilation
56112 We don't need no flow control We don't need no load control
56113 No data typing or declarations No link edit for external bindings
56114 Hey! did you leave the lists alone? Hey! did you leave that source alone?
56116 Oh No. It's just a pure LISP function call.
56118 We don't need no side-effecting We don't need no allocation
56119 We don't need no flow control We don't need no special-nodes
56120 No global variables for execution No dark bit-flipping for debugging
56121 Hey! did you leave the args alone? Hey! did you leave those bits alone?
56123 -- "Another Glitch in the Call", a la Pink Floyd
56125 We don't really understand it, so we'll give it to the programmers.
56127 We don't smoke and we don't chew, and we don't go with girls that do.
56130 We don't understand the software, and sometimes we don't understand the
56131 hardware, but we can *___
\b\b\bsee* the blinking lights!
56133 We don't understand the software, and sometimes we don't
56134 understand the hardware, but we can *see* the blinking lights!
56136 We found on St. Paul's only two kinds of birds -- the booby and the noddy...
56137 Both are of a tame and stupid disposition, and are so unaccustomed to
56138 visitors, that I could have killed any number of them with my geological
56142 We gave you an atomic bomb, what do you want, mermaids?
56143 -- I. I. Rabi to the Atomic Energy Commission
56145 We give advice, but we cannot give the wisdom to profit by it.
56146 -- La Rochefoucauld
56148 We gotta get out of this place,
56149 If it's the last thing we ever do.
56152 "We had it tough ... I had to get up at 9 o'clock at night, half an
56153 hour before I went to bed, eat a lump of dry poison, work 29 hours down
56154 mill, and when we came home our Dad would kill us, and dance about on
56155 our grave singing Hallelujah ...
56158 We have a equal opportunity Calculus class -- it's fully integrated.
56160 We have art that we do not die of the truth.
56161 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
56163 We have ears, earther...FOUR OF THEM!
56165 We have gone on piling weapon upon weapon, missile upon missile, new
56166 levels of destructiveness upon old ones. We have done this helplessly,
56167 almost involuntarily: like the victims of some sort of hypnotism, like
56168 men in a dream, like lemmings heading for the sea, like the children of
56169 Hamelin marching blindly along behind their Pied Piper. And the result
56170 is that today we have achieved, we and the Russians together, in the
56171 creation of these devices and their means of delivery, levels of
56172 redundancy of such grotesque dimensions as to defy rational understanding.
56173 -- George Kennan, May 19, 1981
56175 We have lingered long enough on the shores of the Cosmic Ocean.
56178 We have met the enemy, and he is us.
56181 We have more to fear from the bungling of the incompetent
56182 than from the machinations of the wicked.
56184 We have no scorched earth policy.
56185 We have a policy of scorched Communists.
56186 -- General Efrain Rios Montt, President of Guatemala, 1982
56188 We have not inherited the earth from our parents, we've borrowed it from
56191 We have nowhere else to go... this is all we have.
56194 We have only two things to worry about: That things will never get
56195 back to normal, and that they already have.
56197 We have reason to be afraid. This is a terrible place.
56200 "We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his
56201 hands for masturbation."
56204 We have seen the light at the end of the tunnel, and it's out.
56206 We have the flu. I don't know if this particular strain has an official
56207 name, but if it does, it must be something like "Martian Death Flu". You
56208 may have had it yourself. The main symptom is that you wish you had another
56209 setting on your electric blanket, up past "HIGH", that said "ELECTROCUTION".
56210 Another symptom is that you cease brushing your teeth, because (a)
56211 your teeth hurt, and (b) you lack the strength. Midway through the brushing
56212 process, you'd have to lie down in front of the sink to rest for a couple
56213 of hours, and rivulets of toothpaste foam would dribble sideways out of your
56214 mouth, eventually hardening into crusty little toothpaste stalagmites that
56215 would bond your head permanently to the bathroom floor, which is how the
56216 police would find you.
56217 You know the kind of flu I'm talking about.
56220 We have the flu. I don't know if this particular strain has an
56221 official name, but if it does, it must be something like "Martian Death
56222 Flu". You may have had it yourself. The main symptom is that you wish
56223 you had another setting on your electric blanket, up past "HIGH", that
56224 said "ELECTROCUTION".
56226 Another symptom is that you cease brushing your teeth, because (a) your
56227 teeth hurt, and (b) you lack the strength. Midway through the brushing
56228 process, you'd have to lie down in front of the sink to rest for a
56229 couple of hours, and rivulets of toothpaste foam would dribble sideways
56230 out of your mouth, eventually hardening into crusty little toothpaste
56231 stalagmites that would bond your head permanently to the bathroom
56232 floor, which is how the police would find you.
56234 You know the kind of flu I'm talking about.
56235 -- Dave Barry, "Molecular Homicide"
56237 We interrupt this fortune for an important announcement...
56239 We invented a new protocol and called it Kermit, after Kermit the Frog,
56240 star of "The Muppet Show." [3]
56242 [3] Why? Mostly because there was a Muppets calendar on the wall when we
56243 were trying to think of a name, and Kermit is a pleasant, unassuming sort of
56244 character. But since we weren't sure whether it was OK to name our protocol
56245 after this popular television and movie star, we pretended that KERMIT was an
56246 acronym; unfortunately, we could never find a good set of words to go with the
56247 letters, as readers of some of our early source code can attest. Later, while
56248 looking through a name book for his forthcoming baby, Bill Catchings noticed
56249 that "Kermit" was a Celtic word for "free", which is what all Kermit programs
56250 should be, and words to this effect replaced the strained acronyms in our
56251 source code (Bill's baby turned out to be a girl, so he had to name her Becky
56252 instead). When BYTE Magazine was preparing our 1984 Kermit article for
56253 publication, they suggested we contact Henson Associates Inc. for permission
56254 to say that we did indeed name the protocol after Kermit the Frog. Permission
56255 was kindly granted, and now the real story can be told. I resisted the
56256 temptation, however, to call the present work "Kermit the Book."
56257 -- Frank da Cruz, "Kermit - A File Transfer Protocol"
56259 We know next to nothing about virtually everything. It is not necessary
56260 to know the origin of the universe; it is necessary to want to know.
56261 Civilization depends not on any particular knowledge, but on the disposition
56262 to crave knowledge.
56265 We laugh at the Indian philosopher, who to account for the support
56266 of the earth, contrived the hypothesis of a huge elephant, and to support
56267 the elephant, a huge tortoise. If we will candidly confess the truth, we
56268 know as little of the operation of the nerves, as he did of the manner in
56269 which the earth is supported: and our hypothesis about animal spirits, or
56270 about the tension and vibrations of the nerves, are as like to be true, as
56271 his about the support of the earth. His elephant was a hypothesis, and our
56272 hypotheses are elephants. Every theory in philosophy, which is built on
56273 pure conjecture, is an elephant; and every theory that is supported partly
56274 by fact, and partly by conjecture, is like Nebuchadnezzar's image, whose
56275 feet were partly of iron, and partly of clay.
56276 -- Thomas Reid, "An Inquiry into the Human Mind", 1764
56278 We lie loudest when we lie to ourselves.
56281 We love our little Johnny
56282 He's the best little boy in all the world
56283 And we wouldn't trade him for anything
56284 That's how much we love him.
56285 No, we couldn't live without him
56286 So that's why, since he died,
56287 We keep him safe in our G.E. freezer.
56288 He's so good, so well-behaved,
56289 Even better than before;
56290 Oh, such a wonderful kid he is.
56291 Alice and me, we'll never be lonely,
56292 Never miss our little Johnny,
56293 He'll never grow up and leave us
56294 That's why we love him like we do.
56297 "We maintain that the very foundation of our way of life is what we call
56298 free enterprise," said Cash McCall, "but when one of our citizens
56299 show enough free enterprise to pile up a little of that profit, we do
56300 our best to make him feel that he ought to be ashamed of himself."
56303 We may eventually come to realize that chastity is no more a virtue
56307 We may hope that machines will eventually compete with men in all
56308 purely intellectual fields. But which are the best ones to start
56309 with? Many people think that a very abstract activity, like the
56310 playing of chess, would be best. It can also be maintained that it is
56311 best to provide the machine with the best sense organs that money can
56312 buy, and then teach it to understand and speak English.
56315 We may not be able to persuade Hindus that Jesus and not Vishnu should govern
56316 their spiritual horizon, nor Moslems that Lord Buddha is at the center of
56317 their spiritual universe, nor Hebrews that Mohammed is a major prophet, nor
56318 Christians that Shinto best expresses their spiritual concerns, to say
56319 nothing of the fact that we may not be able to get Christians to agree among
56320 themselves about their relationship to God. But all will agree on a
56321 proposition that they possess profound spiritual resources. If, in addition,
56322 we can get them to accept the further proposition that whatever form the
56323 Deity may have in their own theology, the Deity is not only external, but
56324 internal and acts through them, and they themselves give proof or disproof
56325 of the Deity in what they do and think; if this further proposition can be
56326 accepted, then we come that much closer to a truly religious situation on
56328 -- Norman Cousins, from his book "Human Options"
56330 We may not like doctors, but at least they doctor. Bankers are not ever
56331 popular but at least they bank. Policeman police and undertakers take
56332 under. But lawyers do not give us law. We receive not the gladsome light
56333 of jurisprudence, but rather precedents, objections, appeals, stays,
56334 filings and forms, motions and counter-motions, all at $250 an hour.
56335 -- Nolo News, summer 1989
56337 We may not return the affection of those who like us, but we always
56338 respect their good judgement.
56340 ...we must be wary of granting too much power to natural selection
56341 by viewing all basic capacities of our brain as direct adaptations.
56342 I do not doubt that natural selection acted in building our oversized
56343 brains -- and I am equally confidant that our brains became large as
56344 an adaptation for definite roles (probably a complex set of interacting
56345 functions). But these assumptions do not lead to the notion, often
56346 uncritically embraced by strict Darwinians, that all major capacities
56347 of the brain must arise as direct products of natural selection.
56348 -- S. J. Gould, "The Mismeasure of Man"
56350 We must believe that it is the darkest before the dawn
56351 of a beautiful new world. We will see it when we believe it.
56354 We must die because we have known them.
56355 -- Ptah-hotep, 2000 B.C.
56357 We must finish once and for all with the neutrality of chess. We must
56358 condemn once and for all the formula "chess for the sake of chess," like
56359 the formula "art for art's sake." We must organize shock-brigades of
56360 chess-play ers, and begin the immediate realization of a Five-Year Plan
56362 -- Nikolai V. Krylenko, People's Commissar for Justice
56363 (of RFSFR, later of USSR), speaking at a 1932 Congress
56364 of Chess Players, as quoted in Boris Souvarine's
56365 "Stalin," published London, 1939
56367 ...we must not judge the society of the future by considering whether or not
56368 we should like to live in it; the question is whether those who have grown up
56369 in it will be happier than those who have grown up in our society or those of
56371 -- Joseph Wood Krutch
56373 We must remember that in time of war what is said on the enemy's side of
56374 the front is always propaganda and what is said on our side of the front
56375 is truth and righteousness, the cause of humanity and a crusade for peace.
56378 We must remember the First Amendment which protects any shrill jackass
56379 no matter how self-seeking.
56380 -- F. G. Withington
56382 We must respect the other fellow's religion, but only in the sense and to
56383 the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his
56385 -- H. L. Mencken, "Minority Report"
56387 We only acknowledge small faults in order
56388 to make it appear that we are free from great ones.
56389 -- La Rochefoucauld
56391 We ought to be very grateful that we have tools. Millions of years ago
56392 people did not have them, and home projects were extremely difficult.
56393 For example, when a primitive person wanted to put up paneling, he had
56394 to drive the little paneling nails into the cave wall with his bare
56395 fist, so generally the paneling wound up getting spattered with
56396 primitive blood, which isn't really all that bad when you consider how
56397 ugly paneling is to begin with.
56398 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
56400 We prefer to believe that the absence of inverted commas guarantees the
56401 originality of a thought, whereas it may be merely that the utterer has
56402 forgotten its source.
56403 -- Clifton Fadiman, "Any Number Can Play"
56405 We prefer to speak evil of ourselves
56406 rather than not speak of ourselves at all.
56408 We promise according to our hopes, and perform according to our fears.
56410 We rarely find anyone who can say he has lived a happy life, and who,
56411 content with his life, can retire from the world like a satisfied guest.
56412 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
56414 We read to say that we have read.
56416 We really don't have any enemies. It's just that some of our best
56417 friends are trying to kill us.
56419 We secure our friends not by accepting favors but by doing them.
56422 We seem to have forgotten the simple truth that reason is never perfect.
56423 Only non-sense attains perfection.
56424 -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967)
56426 We seldom repent talking too little, but very often talking too much.
56427 -- Jean de la Bruyere
56429 We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is
56430 in it - and stay there, lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot
56431 stove-lid. She will never sit down on a hot stove-lid again - and that
56432 is well; but also she will never sit down on a cold one any more.
56435 We should be glad we're living in the time that we are. If any of us had been
56436 born into a more enlightened age, I'm sure we would have immediately been taken
56440 We should have a great many fewer disputes in the world if only words were
56441 taken for what they are, the signs of our ideas only, and not for things
56445 We should have a Vollyballocracy. We elect a six-pack of presidents.
56446 Each one serves until they screw up, at which point they rotate.
56449 We should keep the Panama Canal. After all, we stole it fair and square.
56452 We should realize that a city is better off with bad laws, so long as they
56453 remain fixed, then with good laws that are constantly being altered, that
56454 the lack of learning combined with sound common sense is more helpful than
56455 the kind of cleverness that gets out of hand, and that as a general rule,
56456 states are better governed by the man in the street than by intellectuals.
56457 These are the sort of people who want to appear wiser than the laws, who
56458 want to get their own way in every general discussion, because they feel that
56459 they cannot show off their intelligence in matters of greater importance, and
56460 who, as a result, very often bring ruin on their country.
56461 -- Cleon, Thucydides, III, 37 translation by Rex Warner
56463 We the unwilling, led by the ungrateful, are doing the impossible.
56464 We've done so much, for so long, with so little,
56465 that we are now qualified to do something with nothing.
56467 We the Users, in order to form a more perfect system, establish priorities,
56468 ensure connective tranquility, provide for common repairs, promote
56469 preventive maintenance, and secure the blessings of liberty for ourselves
56470 and our processes, do ordain and establish this Software of The Unixed States
56473 We thrive on euphemism. We call multi-megaton bombs "Peace-keepers", closet
56474 size apartments "efficient" and incomprehensible artworks "innovative". In
56475 fact, "euphemism" has become a euphemism for "bald-faced lie". And now, here
56476 are the euphemisms so colorfully employed in Personal Ads:
56479 ------------------- -------------------------
56480 Excited about life's journey No concept of reality
56481 Spiritually evolved Oversensitive
56482 Moody Manic-depressive
56483 Soulful Quiet manic-depressive
56484 Poet Boring manic-depressive
56485 Sultry/Sensual Easy
56486 Uninhibited Lacking basic social skills
56487 Unaffected and earthy Slob and lacking basic social skills
56488 Irreverent Nasty and lacking basic social skills
56489 Very human Quasimodo's best friend
56490 Swarthy Sweaty even when cold or standing still
56491 Spontaneous/Eclectic Scatterbrained
56493 Aging child Self-centered adult
56494 Youthful Over 40 and trying to deny it
56495 Good sense of humor Watches a lot of television
56497 We thrive on euphemism. We call multi-megaton bombs "Peace-keepers", closet
56498 size apartments "efficient" and incomprehensible artworks "innovative". In
56499 fact, "euphemism" has become a euphemism for "bald-faced lie". And now, here
56500 are the euphemisms so colorfully employed in Personal Ads:
56503 ------------------- -------------------------
56504 Independent thinker Crazy
56505 High spirited Crazy and hyperactive
56506 Free spirited Crazy and irresponsible
56507 Outrageous Crazy and obnoxious
56508 Exotic Crazy with a pierced nose/nipple
56510 Huggable/Zaftig/Rubenesque Fat (there's a lot to love)
56511 Big and beautiful Really Fat
56512 Fat 'n' sassy Really Fat and loud
56513 Svelte/Slender Anorexic
56515 Assertive Pushy with a mean streak
56516 Feisty/Ambitious Would kill own mother for next corporate rung
56517 Demanding Will make your life a living hell
56518 Looking for Mr./Ms. Right Looking for Mr./Ms. Rich
56520 We totally deny the allegations, and
56521 we're trying to identify the allegators.
56523 We tried to close Ohio's borders and ran into a Constitutional problem.
56524 There's a provision in the Constitution that says you can't close your
56525 borders to interstate commerce, and garbage is a form of interstate commerce.
56526 -- Ohio Lt. Governor Paul Leonard
56528 [We] use bad software and bad machines for the wrong things.
56531 We warn the reader in advance that the proof presented here
56532 depends on a clever but highly unmotivated trick.
56533 -- Howard Anton, "Elementary Linear Algebra"
56535 We was playin' the Homestead Grays in the city of Pitchburgh. Josh
56536 [Gibson] comes up in the last of the ninth with a man on and us a run
56537 behind. Well, he hit one. The Grays waited around and waited around,
56538 but finally the empire rules it ain't comin' down. So we win. The
56539 next day, we was disputin' the Grays in Philadelphia when here come
56540 a ball outta the sky right in the glove of the Grays' center fielder.
56541 The empire made the only possible call. "You're out, boy!" he says
56542 to Josh. "Yesterday, in Pitchburgh."
56545 We were happily married for eight months. Unfortunately, we
56546 were married for four and a half years.
56549 We were so poor that we thought new clothes meant someone had died.
56551 We were so poor we couldn't afford a watchdog.
56552 If we heard a noise at night, we'd bark ourselves.
56555 We who revel in nature's diversity and feel instructed by every animal
56556 tend to brand Homo sapiens as the greatest catastrophe since the Cretaceous
56560 We will have solar energy as soon as the utility companies solve one
56561 technical problem -- how to run a sunbeam through a meter.
56563 We will invent new lullabies, new songs, new acts of love,
56564 we will cry over things we used to laugh &
56565 our new wisdom will bring tears to eyes of gentle
56566 creatures from other planets who were afraid of us till then &
56567 in the end a summer with wild winds &
56568 new friends will be.
56570 We wish you a Hare Krishna
56571 We wish you a Hare Krishna
56572 We wish you a Hare Krishna
56573 And a Sun Myung Moon!
56577 An index of the lack of development of a culture.
56579 Wedding is destiny, and hanging likewise.
56583 A ceremony at which two persons undertake to become one, one
56584 undertakes to become nothing and nothing undertakes to become
56588 Wedding rings are the world's smallest handcuffs.
56591 Never ask two questions in a business letter.
56592 The reply will discuss the one in which you are
56593 least interested and say nothing about the other.
56595 Weekend, where are you?
56598 Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it
56602 Nothing is impossible to a person who doesn't have to do the work.
56604 Weinberg, as a young grocery clerk, advised the grocery manager to get
56605 rid of rutabagas which nobody every bought. He did so. "Well, kid, that
56606 was a great idea," said the manager. Then he paused and asked the killer
56607 question, "NOW what's the least popular vegetable?"
56609 Law: Once you eliminate your #1 problem, #2 gets a promotion.
56610 -- Gerald Weinberg, "The Secrets of Consulting"
56612 Weinberg's First Law:
56613 Progress is made on alternate Fridays.
56615 Weinberg's Principle:
56616 An expert is a person who avoids the small errors while
56617 sweeping on to the grand fallacy.
56619 Weinberg's Second Law:
56620 If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs,
56621 then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.
56623 Weiner's Law of Libraries:
56624 There are no answers, only cross references.
56626 Welcome thy neighbor into thy fallout shelter. He'll come in handy if
56627 you run out of food.
56630 Welcome to boggle - do you want instructions?
56642 Welcome to Lake Wobegon, where all the men are strong,
56643 The women are pretty, and the children are above-average.
56644 -- Garrison Keillor
56646 Welcome to the Zoo!
56648 Welcome to UNIX! Enjoy your session! Have a great time! Note the
56649 use of exclamation points! They are a very effective method for
56650 demonstrating excitement, and can also spice up an otherwise plain-looking
56651 sentence! However, there are drawbacks! Too much unnecessary exclaiming
56652 can lead to a reduction in the effect that an exclamation point has on
56653 the reader! For example, the sentence
56655 Jane went to the store to buy bread
56657 should only be ended with an exclamation point if there is something
56658 sensational about her going to the store, for example, if Jane is a
56659 cocker spaniel or if Jane is on a diet that doesn't allow bread or if
56660 Jane doesn't exist for some reason! See how easy it is?! Proper control
56661 of exclamation points can add new meaning to your life! Call now to receive
56662 my free pamphlet, "The Wonder and Mystery of the Exclamation Point!"!
56663 Enclose fifteen(!) dollars for postage and handling! Operators are
56664 standing by! (Which is pretty amazing, because they're all cocker spaniels!)
56667 If you think our liquor laws are funny, you should see our underwear!
56669 Well, anyway, I was reading this James Bond book, and right away I realized
56670 that like most books, it had too many words. The plot was the same one that
56671 all James Bond books have: An evil person tries to blow up the world, but
56672 James Bond kills him and his henchmen and makes love to several attractive
56673 women. There, that's it: 24 words. But the guy who wrote the book took
56674 *thousands* of words to say it.
56675 Or consider "The Brothers Karamazov", by the famous Russian alcoholic
56676 Fyodor Dostoyevsky. It's about these two brothers who kill their father.
56677 Or maybe only one of them kills the father. It's impossible to tell because
56678 what they mostly do is talk for nearly a thousand pages.If all Russians talk
56679 as much as the Karamazovs did, I don't see how they found time to become a
56681 I'm told that Dostoyevsky wrote "The Brothers Karamazov" to raise
56682 the question of whether there is a God. So why didn't he just come right
56683 out and say: "Is there a God? It sure beats the heck out of me."
56684 Other famous works could easily have been summarized in a few words:
56686 * "Moby Dick" -- Don't mess around with large whales because they symbolize
56687 nature and will kill you.
56688 * "A Tale of Two Cities" -- French people are crazy.
56691 We'll be recording at the Paradise Friday
56692 night. Live, on the Death label.
56693 -- Swan, "Phantom of the Paradise"
56695 Well begun is half done.
56698 "Well," Brahma said, "even after ten thousand explanations, a fool is
56699 no wiser, but an intelligent man requires only two thousand five
56703 "We'll cross out that bridge when we come back to it later."
56705 We'll cross that bridge when we come back to it later.
56707 Well, didja wake up grouchy or did you let her sleep?
56709 Well, don't worry about it... It's nothing.
56710 -- Lieutenant Kermit Tyler (Duty Officer of Shafter Information
56711 Center, Hawaii), upon being informed that Private Joseph
56712 Lockard had picked up a radar signal of what appeared to be
56713 at least 50 planes soaring toward Oahu at almost 180 miles
56714 per hour, December 7, 1941.
56716 Well, fancy giving money to the Government!
56717 Might as well have put it down the drain.
56718 Fancy giving money to the Government!
56719 Nobody will see the stuff again.
56720 Well, they've no idea what money's for --
56721 Ten to one they'll start another war.
56722 I've heard a lot of silly things, but, Lor'!
56723 Fancy giving money to the Government!
56726 We'll have solar energy when the power companies develop a sunbeam meter.
56728 Well, he didn't know what to do, so he decided to look at the government,
56729 to see what they did, and scale it down and run his life that way.
56732 Well, here it is, 1983, so it won't be long before you start reading a lot
56733 of boring stories about people like Vance Hartke. Hartke is a governor or
56734 mayor or something from one of the flatter states, and the reason you'll be
56735 reading about him is that he's one of the 50 top contenders for the 1984
56736 Democratic presidential nomination. These men will spend the next 18 months
56737 going around the country engaging in the most degrading activities imaginable,
56738 such as wearing idiot hats and appearing on "Meet the Press". "Meet the
56739 Press" is one of those Sunday morning public interest shows that the public
56740 is not the least bit interested in. It features a panel of reporters who
56741 ask questions of a guest politician, who wins an Amana home freezer if he
56742 can get through the entire show without answering a single question.
56745 Well, here it is, 1983, so it won't be long before you start reading a
56746 lot of boring stories about people like Vance Hartke. Hartke is a
56747 governor or mayor or something from one of the flatter states, and the
56748 reason you'll be reading about him is that he's one of the 50 top
56749 contenders for the 1984 Democratic presidential nomination. These men
56750 will spend the next 18 months going around the country engaging in the
56751 most degrading activities imaginable, such as wearing idiot hats and
56752 appearing on "Meet the Press". "Meet the Press" is one of those Sunday
56753 morning public interest shows that the public is not the least bit
56754 interested in. It features a panel of reporters who ask questions of a
56755 guest politician, who wins an Amana home freezer if he can get through
56756 the entire show without answering a single question ...
56757 -- Dave Barry, "On Presidential Politics"
56759 Well I looked at my watch and it said a quarter to five,
56760 The headline screamed that I was still alive,
56761 I couldn't understand it, I thought I died last night.
56762 I dreamed I'd been in a border town,
56763 In a little cantina that the boys had found,
56764 I was desperate to dance, just to dig the local sounds.
56765 When along came a senorita,
56766 She looked so good that I had to meet her,
56767 I was ready to approach her with my English charm,
56768 When her brass knuckled boyfriend grabbed me by the arm,
56769 And he said, grow some funk of your own, amigo,
56770 Grow some funk of your own.
56771 We no like to with the gringo fight,
56772 But there might be a death in Mexico tonite.
56774 Take my advice, take the next flight,
56775 And grow some funk, grow your funk at home.
56776 -- Elton John, "Grow Some Funk of Your Own"
56778 Well, I would -- if they realized that we -- again if -- if we led them
56779 back to that stalemate only because our retaliatory power, our seconds,
56780 or strike at them after our first strike, would be so destructive they
56781 they couldn't afford it, that would hold them off.
56782 -- Ronald Reagan, on the MX missile
56784 "Well, if you can't believe what you read in a comic book, what *___
\b\b\bcan*
56786 -- Bullwinkle J. Moose [Jay Ward]
56788 Well, if you can't believe what you read
56789 in a comic book, what *can* you believe?
56790 -- Bullwinkle J. Moose
56792 Well, I'm disenchanted too. We're all disenchanted.
56795 Well, it's hard for a mere man to believe that woman doesn't have equal
56797 -- Dwight D. Eisenhower
56799 Well, Jim, I'm not much of an actor either.
56801 We'll know that rock is dead when you have to get a degree to work in it.
56803 WE'LL LOOK INTO IT:
56804 By the time the wheels make a full turn, we
56805 assume you will have forgotten about it,too.
56807 Well, my daddy left home when I was three,
56808 And he didn't leave much for Ma and me,
56809 Just and old guitar an'a empty bottle of booze.
56810 Now I don't blame him 'cause he ran and hid,
56811 But the meanest thing that he ever did,
56812 Was before he left he went and named me Sue.
56814 But I made me a vow to the moon and the stars,
56815 I'd search the honkey tonks and the bars,
56816 And kill the man that give me that awful name.
56817 It was Gatlinburg in mid-July,
56818 I'd just hit town and my throat was dry,
56819 Thought I'd stop and have myself a brew,
56820 At an old saloon on a street of mud,
56821 Sitting at a table, dealing stud,
56822 Sat that dirty (bleep) that named me Sue.
56824 Now, I knew that snake was my own sweet Dad,
56825 From a worn-out picture that my Mother had,
56826 And I knew that scar on his cheek and his evil eye...
56827 -- Johnny Cash, "A Boy Named Sue"
56829 Well, my terminal's locked up, and I ain't got any Mail,
56830 And I can't recall the last time that my program didn't fail;
56831 I've got stacks in my structs, I've got arrays in my queues,
56832 I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues.
56834 If you think that it's nice that you get what you C,
56835 Then go : illogical statement with your whole family,
56836 'Cause the Supreme Court ain't the only place with : Bus error views.
56837 I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues.
56839 On a PDP-11, life should be a breeze,
56840 But with VAXen in the house even magnetic tapes would freeze.
56841 Now you might think that unlike VAXen I'd know who I abuse,
56842 I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues.
56843 -- Core Dumped Blues
56845 Well, of course it worked. You made the ritual blood sacrifice. If you
56846 bleed on a machine while working on it, it will work. Unless it
56847 doesn't. In which case, you need someone else to bleed on it as well.
56850 We'll pivot at warp 2 and bring all tubes to bear, Mr. Sulu!
56852 Well, some take delight in the carriages a-rolling,
56853 And some take delight in the hurling and the bowling,
56854 But I take delight in the juice of the barley,
56855 And courting pretty fair maids in the morning bright and early.
56857 Well thaaaaaaat's okay.
56859 "Well, that was a piece of cake, eh K-9?"
56861 "Piece of cake, Master? Radial slice of baked confection ...
56862 coefficient of relevance to Key of Time: zero."
56865 Well, the handwriting is on the floor.
56868 We'll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens,
56869 we feel a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail.
56872 Well, we'll really have a party,
56873 but we've gotta post a guard outside.
56874 -- Eddie Cochran, "Come On Everybody"
56876 "Well, well, well! Well if it isn't fat stinking billy goat Billy Boy in
56877 poison! How art thou, thou globby bottle of cheap stinking chip oil? Come
56878 and get one in the yarbles, if ya have any yarble, ya eunuch jelly thou!"
56879 -- Alex in "Clockwork Orange"
56881 Well, we're big rock singers, we've got golden fingers,
56882 And we're loved everywhere we go.
56883 We sing about beauty, and we sing about truth,
56884 At ten thousand dollars a show.
56885 We take all kind of pills to give us all kind of thrills,
56886 But the thrill we've never known,
56887 Is the thrill that'll get'cha, when you get your picture,
56888 On the cover of the Rolling Stone.
56890 I got a freaky old lady, name of Cole King Katie,
56891 Who embroiders on my jeans.
56892 I got my poor old gray-haired daddy,
56893 Drivin' my limousine.
56894 Now it's all designed, to blow our minds,
56895 But our minds won't be really be blown;
56896 Like the blow that'll get'cha, when you get your picture,
56897 On the cover of the Rolling Stone.
56899 We got a lot of little, teen-aged, blue-eyed groupies,
56900 Who'll do anything we say.
56901 We got a genuine Indian guru, that's teachin' us a better way.
56902 We got all the friends that money can buy,
56903 So we never have to be alone.
56904 And we keep gettin' richer, but we can't get our picture,
56905 On the cover of the Rolling Stone.
56906 -- Dr. Hook and the Medicine Show
56907 [As a note, they eventually DID make the cover of RS. Ed.]
56909 "Well, we've come full circle, Lord; I'd like to think there's some
56910 higher meaning to all this. It would certainly reflect well on you."
56912 Well, you know, no matter where you go, there you are.
56916 The ability to play bridge or golf as if they were games.
56937 -- "Alliance Airport, from The Poetry Of H. Ross Perot,
56938 recited on ABC's Town Meeting, June 29, 1992.
56939 From SPY Magazine, November 1992
56941 We're all in this alone.
56944 We're constantly being bombarded by insulting and humiliating music, which
56945 people are making for you the way they make those Wonder Bread products.
56946 Just as food can be bad for your system, music can be bad for your spiritual
56947 and emotional feelings. It might taste good or clever, but in the long run,
56948 it's not going to do anything for you.
56949 -- Bob Dylan, "LA Times", September 5, 1984
56951 We're deep into the holiday gift-giving season, as you can tell from
56952 the fact that everywhere you look, you see jolly old St. Nick urging
56953 you to purchase things, to the point where you want to slug him right
56954 in his bowl full of jelly.
56955 -- Dave Barry, "Simple, Homespun Gifts"
56957 We're fantastically incredibly sorry for all these extremely unreasonable
56958 things we did. I can only plead that my simple, barely-sentient friend
56959 and myself are underprivileged, deprived and also college students.
56960 -- Waldo D. R. Dobbs
56962 We're happy little Vegemites,
56963 As bright as bright can be.
56964 We all all enjoy our Vegemite
56965 For breakfast, lunch and tea.
56967 Were it not for the presence of the unwashed and the half-educated, the
56968 formless, queer and incomplete, the unreasonable and absurd, the infinite
56969 shapes of the delightful human tadpole, the horizon would not wear so wide
56971 -- F. M. Colby, "Imaginary Obligations"
56973 We're Knights of the Round Table
56974 We dance whene'er we're able
56975 We do routines and chorus scenes We're knights of the Round Table
56976 With footwork impeccable Our shows are formidable
56977 We dine well here in Camelot But many times
56978 We eat ham and jam and Spam a lot. We're given rhymes
56979 That are quite unsingable
56980 In war we're tough and able, We're opera mad in Camelot
56981 Quite indefatigable We sing from the diaphragm a lot.
56984 And impersonate Clark Gable
56985 It's a busy life in Camelot.
56986 I have to push the pram a lot.
56989 We're living in a golden age. All you need is gold.
56992 We're mortal -- which is to say, we're ignorant, stupid, and sinful --
56993 but those are only handicaps. Our pride is that nevertheless, now and
56994 then, we do our best. A few times we succeed. What more dare we ask for?
56997 "We're not talking about the same thing," he said. "For you the world is
56998 weird because if you're not bored with it you're at odds with it. For me
56999 the world is weird because it is stupendous, awesome, mysterious,
57000 unfathomable; my interest has been to convince you that you must accept
57001 responsibility for being here, in this marvelous world, in this marvelous
57002 desert, in this marvelous time. I wanted to convince you that you must
57003 learn to make every act count, since you are going to be here for only a
57004 short while, in fact, too short for witnessing all the marvels of it."
57007 We're only in it for the volume.
57010 Were there no women, men might live like gods.
57013 Wernher von Braun settled for a V-2 when he coulda had a V-8.
57015 Westheimer's Discovery:
57016 A couple of months in the laboratory can frequently save a
57017 couple of hours in the library.
57020 Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups.
57022 We've sent a man to the moon, and that's 29,000 miles away. The center
57023 of the Earth is only 4,000 miles away. You could drive that in a week,
57024 but for some reason nobody's ever done it.
57027 We've tried each spinning space mote
57028 And reckoned its true worth:
57029 Take us back again to the homes of men
57030 On the cool, green hills of Earth.
57032 The arching sky is calling
57033 Spacemen back to their trade.
57034 All hands! Standby! Free falling!
57035 And the lights below us fade.
57036 Out ride the sons of Terra,
57037 Far drives the thundering jet,
57038 Up leaps the race of Earthmen,
57039 Out, far, and onward yet--
57041 We pray for one last landing
57042 On the globe that gave us birth;
57043 Let us rest our eyes on the fleecy skies
57044 And the cool, green hills of Earth.
57045 -- Robert A. Heinlein, 1941
57047 Wharbat darbid yarbou sarbay?
57052 What a bonanza! An unknown beginner to be directed by Lubitsch, in a script
57053 by Wilder and Brackett, and to play with Paramount's two superstars, Gary
57054 Cooper and Claudette Colbert, and to be beaten up by both of them!
57055 -- David Niven, "Bring On the Empty Horses"
57057 What a misfortune to be a woman! And yet, the worst misfortune is not to
57058 understand what a misfortune it is.
57059 -- Kierkegaard, 1813-1855
57061 What a strange game. The only winning move is not to play.
57062 -- WOP, "War Games"
57064 What, after all, is a halo? It's only one more thing to keep clean.
57067 What an artist dies with me!
57070 What an author likes to write most is his signature on the
57074 "What are we going to do?"
57076 "Me, I'm examining the major Western religions. I'm looking for
57077 something that's soft on morality, generous with holidays, and has a
57078 short initiation period."
57080 "What are you doing?"
57082 "Examining the world's major religions. I'm looking for something
57083 that's light on morals, has lots of holidays, and with a short
57084 initiation period."
57086 What awful irony is this?
57087 We are as gods, but know it not.
57089 What causes the mysterious death of everyone?
57091 What color is a chameleon on a mirror?
57093 What did ya do with your burder and your cross?
57094 Did you carry it yourself or did you cry?
57095 You and I know that a burden and a cross,
57096 Can only be carried on one man's back.
57097 -- Louden Wainwright III
57099 What did you bring that book I didn't want
57100 to be read to out of about Down Under up for?
57102 What did you do when the ship sank?
57103 I grabbed a cake of soap and washed myself ashore.
57105 What do I consider a reasonable person to be? I'd say a reasonable person
57106 is one who accepts that we are all human and therefore fallible, and takes
57107 that into account when dealing with others. Implicit in this definition is
57108 the belief that it is the right and the responsibility of each person to
57109 live his or her own life as he or she sees fit, to respect this right in
57110 others, and to demand the assumption of this responsibility by others.
57112 What do you give a man who has everything? Penicillin.
57115 What do you have when you have six lawyers buried up to their necks in sand?
57118 What does education often do?
57119 It makes a straight cut ditch of a free meandering brook.
57120 -- Henry David Thoreau
57122 What does it mean if there is no fortune for you?
57124 What does "it" mean in the sentence "What time is it?"?
57126 What does it take for Americans to do great things; to go to the moon, to
57127 win wars, to dig canals linking oceans, to build railroads across a continent?
57128 In independent thought about this question, Neil Armstrong and I concluded
57129 that it takes a coincidence of four conditions, or in Neil's view, the
57130 simultaneous peaking of four of the many cycles of American life. First, a
57131 base of technology must exist from which to do the thing to be done. Second,
57132 a period of national uneasiness about America's place in the scheme of human
57133 activities must exist. Third, some catalytic event must occur that focuses
57134 the national attention upon the direction to proceed. Finally, an articulate
57135 and wise leader must sense these first three conditions and put forth with
57136 words and action the great thing to be accomplished. The motivation of young
57137 Americans to do what needs to be done flows from such a coincidence of
57138 conditions. ... The Thomas Jeffersons, The Teddy Roosevelts, The John
57139 Kennedys appear. We must begin to create the tools of leadership which they,
57140 and their young frontiersmen, will require to lead us onward and upward.
57141 -- Dr. Harrison H. Schmidt
57143 What does not destroy me, makes me stronger.
57144 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
57146 What ever happened to happily ever after?
57148 What excuses stand in your way? How can you eliminate them?
57151 What foods these morsels be!
57153 What fools these morals be!
57155 What fools these mortals be.
57156 -- Lucius Annaeus Seneca
57158 What garlic is to food, insanity is to art.
57160 What garlic is to salad, insanity is to art.
57162 "What George Washington did for us was to throw out the British, so
57163 that we wouldn't have a fat, insensitive government running our
57164 country. Nice try anyway, George."
57165 -- D. J. on KSFO/KYA
57167 What goes up must come down. But don't expect it to come down
57168 where you can find it. Murphy's Law applied to Newton's.
57170 What good is a ticket to the good life, if you can't find the
57173 What good is an obscenity trial except to popularize literature?
57174 -- Nero Wolfe, "The League of Frightened Men"
57176 What good is having someone who can walk on water if you don't follow
57179 What good is it if you talk in flowers, and they think in pastry?
57180 -- Ashleigh Brilliant
57182 What happened last night can happen again.
57184 What happens if a big asteroid hits Earth? Judging from realistic simulations
57185 involving a sledge hammer and a common laboratory frog, we can assume it will
57189 What happens to a dream deferred?
57191 Like a raisin in the sun?
57192 Or fester like a sore --
57194 Does it stink like rotten meat?
57195 Or crust and sugar over --
57196 Like a syrupy sweet?
57201 Or does it explode?
57204 What happens when you cut back the jungle? It recedes.
57206 What has roots as nobody sees,
57207 Is taller than trees,
57209 And yet never grows?
57211 What I do, first thing [in the morning], is I hop into the shower
57212 stall. Then I hop right back out, because when I hopped in I landed
57213 barefoot right on top of See Threepio, a little plastic robot character
57214 from "Star Wars" whom my son, Robert, likes to pull the legs off of
57215 while he showers. Then I hop right back into the stall because our
57216 dog, Earnest, who has been alone in the basement all night building up
57217 powerful dog emotions, has come bounding and quivering into the
57218 bathroom and wants to greet me with 60 or 70 thousand playful nips, any
57219 one of which -- bear in mind that I am naked and, without my contact
57220 lenses, essentially blind -- could result in the kind of injury where
57221 you have to learn a whole new part if you want to sing the "Messiah",
57222 if you get my drift. Then I hop right back out, because Robert, with
57223 that uncanny sixth sense some children have -- you cannot teach it;
57224 they either have it or they don't -- has chosen exactly that moment to
57225 flush one of the toilets. Perhaps several of them.
57226 -- Dave Barry, "Saving Face"
57228 What I mean (and everybody else means) by the word QUALITY cannot be
57229 broken down into subjects and predicates. This is not because Quality
57230 is so mysterious but because Quality is so simple, immediate, and direct.
57231 -- R. Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance"
57233 What I tell you three times is true.
57236 "What I think is that the F-word is basically just a convenient nasty-
57237 sounding word that we tend to use when we would really like to come up
57238 with a terrifically witty insult, the kind Winston Churchill always
57239 came up with when enormous women asked him stupid questions at
57241 -- Dave Barry, "$#$%#^%!^%&@%@!"
57243 What I want is all of the power and none of the responsibility.
57245 What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I
57246 definitely overpaid for my carpet.
57247 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
57249 What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? Or what's
57250 worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?
57251 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
57253 What if there had been room at the inn?
57254 -- Linda Festa on the origins of Christianity
57256 What is a magician but a practicing theorist?
57259 What is algebra, exactly? Is it one of those three-cornered things?
57262 What is comedy? Comedy is the art of making people laugh without making
57266 What is food to one, is to others bitter poison.
57267 -- Titus Lucretius Carus
57269 What is good? Everything that heightens the feeling of power in man, the
57270 will to power, power itself. What is bad? Everything that is born of
57271 weakness. Not contentedness but more power; not peace but war; not virtue
57272 but fitness. The weak and the failures shall perish: first principle of
57273 our love of man. And they shall even be given every possible assistance.
57274 What is more harmful than any vice? Active pity for all the failures and
57275 all the weak: Christianity.
57276 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
57278 What is important is food, money and opportunities for scoring off one's
57279 enemies. Give a man these three things and you won't hear much squawking
57281 -- Brian O'Nolan, "The Best of Myles"
57283 What is irritating about love is that it is a crime that requires
57285 -- Charles Baudelaire
57287 What is love but a second-hand emotion?
57290 What is mind? No matter.
57291 What is matter? Never mind.
57292 -- Thomas Hewitt Key, 1799-1875
57294 What is now proved was once only imagin'd.
57297 What is research but a blind date with knowledge?
57300 What is robbing a bank compared with founding a bank?
57301 -- Bertolt Brecht, "The Threepenny Opera"
57304 Status is when the President calls you for your opinion.
57307 Status is when the President calls you in to discuss a
57310 Uh, that still ain't right...
57311 STATUS is when you're in the Oval Office talking to the President,
57312 and the phone rings. The President picks it up, listens for a
57313 minute, and hands it to you, saying, "It's for you."
57315 What is the difference between a Turing machine and the modern
57316 computer? It's the same as that between Hillary's ascent of Everest
57317 and the establishment of a Hilton on its peak.
57319 "What is the Nature of God?"
57321 CLICK...CLICK...WHIRRR...CLICK...=BEEP!=
57325 STIR AND SPRINKLE WITH BACON BITS.
57327 "I've just GOT to start labeling my software..."
57330 "What is the robbing of a bank compared to the FOUNDING of a bank?"
57333 What is the sound of one hand clapping?
57335 What is this line of duty, and suffering? You are not supposed to suffer
57336 if you are an assassin. The other person is supposed to suffer.
57337 -- Chiun, glory of the name of Sinanju, teacher of the youth
57338 from outside Sinanju named Remo.
57340 What is tolerance? -- it is the consequence of humanity. We are all formed
57341 of frailty and error; let us pardon reciprocally each other's folly -- that
57342 is the first law of nature.
57345 What is truth? We must adopt a pragmatic definition: it is what is believed
57346 to be the truth. A lie that is put across therefore becomes the truth and
57347 may, therefore, be justified. The difficulty is to keep up lying... it is
57348 simpler to tell the truth and if a sufficient emergency arises, to tell one,
57349 big thumping lie that will then be believed.
57350 -- Ministry of Information, memo on the maintenance of
57351 British civilian morale, 1939
57353 "What is wanted is not the will to believe, but the will to find out,
57354 which is the exact opposite."
57355 -- Bertrand Russell, "Skeptical_Essays", 1928
57357 What is worth doing is worth the trouble of asking somebody to do.
57359 What is worth doing is worth the trouble of asking somebody to do it.
57361 "What I've done, of course, is total garbage."
57362 -- R. Willard, Pure Math 430a
57364 What kind of sordid business are you on now? I mean, man, whither
57365 goest thou? Whither goest thou, America, in thy shiny car in the night?
57368 What makes the universe so hard to comprehend is that there's nothing
57369 to compare it with.
57371 What makes us so bitter against people who outwit us
57372 is that they think themselves cleverer than we are.
57374 What makes you think graduate school
57375 is supposed to be satisfying?
57376 -- Erica Jong, "Fear of Flying"
57378 What most people want is all of the power but none of the responsibility.
57380 What no spouse of a writer can ever understand
57381 is that a writer is working when he's staring out the window.
57383 What nonsense people talk about happy marriages!
57384 A man can be happy with any woman so long as he doesn't love her.
57387 What on earth would a man do with himself
57388 if something did not stand in his way?
57391 What one believes to be true either is true or becomes true.
57394 What one fool can do, another can.
57395 -- Ancient Simian proverb
57397 What orators lack in depth they make up in length.
57399 What pains others pleasures me,
57400 At home am I in Lisp or C;
57401 There i couch in ecstasy,
57402 'Til debugger's poke i flee,
57403 Into kernel memory.
57404 In system space, system space, there shall i fare--
57405 Inside of a VAX on a silicon square.
57407 What passes for optimism is most often the effect of an intellectual error.
57408 -- Raymond Aron, "The Opium of the Intellectuals"
57410 What passes for woman's intuition is often nothing
57411 more than man's transparency.
57414 What passes for woman's intuition
57415 is often nothing more than man's transparency.
57417 What publishers are looking for these days isn't radical feminism.
57418 It's corporate feminism -- a brand of feminism designed to sell books
57419 and magazines, three-piece suits, airline tickets, Scotch, cigarettes
57420 and, most important, corporate America's message, which runs: "Yes,
57421 women were discriminated against in the past, but that unfortunate
57422 mistake has been remedied; now every woman can attain wealth, prestige
57423 and power by dint of individual rather than collective effort."
57426 What really shapes and conditions and makes us is somebody only a few
57427 of us ever have the courage to face: and that is the child you once
57428 were, long before formal education ever got its claws into you -- that
57429 impatient, all-demanding child who wants love and power and can't get
57430 enough of either and who goes on raging and weeping in your spirit
57431 till at last your eyes are closed and all the fools say, "Doesn't he
57432 look peaceful?" It is those pent-up, craving children who make all
57433 the wars and all the horrors and all the art and all the beauty and
57434 discovery in life, because they are trying to achieve what lay beyond
57435 their grasp before they were five years old.
57436 -- Robertson Davies, "The Rebel Angels"
57438 What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?
57439 -- Ursula K. LeGuin
57441 What scoundrel stole the cork from my lunch?
57444 What segment's this, that, laid to rest
57445 On FHA0, is sleeping?
57446 What system file, lay here a while This, this is "acct.run,"
57447 While hackers around it were weeping? Accounting file for everyone.
57448 Dump, dump it and type it out,
57449 The file, the highseg of login.
57450 Why lies it here, on public disk
57451 And why is it now unprotected?
57452 A bug in incant, made it thus. Mount, mount all your DECtapes now
57453 And copy the file somehow, somehow. The problem has not been corrected.
57454 Dump, dump it and type it out,
57455 The file, the highseg of login.
57458 What sin has not been committed in the name of efficiency?
57460 What soon grows old? Gratitude.
57463 What, still alive at twenty-two,
57464 A clean upstanding chap like you?
57465 Sure, if your throat 'tis hard to slit,
57466 Slit your girl's, and swing for it.
57467 Like enough, you won't be glad,
57468 When they come to hang you, lad:
57469 But bacon's not the only thing
57470 That's cured by hanging from a string.
57471 So, when the spilt ink of the night
57472 Spreads o'er the blotting pad of light,
57473 Lads whose job is still to do
57474 Shall whet their knives, and think of you.
57477 What the deuce is it to me? You say that we go around the sun. If we went
57478 around the moon it would not make a pennyworth of difference to me or my work.
57479 -- Sherlock Holmes, "A Study in Scarlet"
57481 What the hell, go ahead and put all your eggs in one basket.
57483 What the hell is it good for?
57484 -- Robert Lloyd (engineer of the Advanced Computing Systems
57485 Division of IBM), to colleagues who insisted that the
57486 microprocessor was the wave of the future, c. 1968
57488 What the large print giveth, the small print taketh away.
57490 What the scientists have in their briefcases is terrifying.
57491 -- Nikita Khruschev
57493 What the world *really* needs is a good Automatic Bicycle Sharpener.
57498 "I recommend this candidate with no qualifications whatsoever."
57499 (Yes, that about sums it up.)
57500 "The amount of mathematics she knows will surprise you."
57501 (And I recommend not giving that school a dime...)
57502 "I simply can't say enough good things about him."
57504 "I am pleased to say that this candidate is a former colleague of mine."
57505 (I can't tell you how happy I am that she left our firm.)
57506 "When this person left our employ, we were quite hopeful he would go
57507 a long way with his skills."
57508 (We hoped he'd go as far as possible.)
57509 "You won't find many people like her."
57510 (In fact, most people can't stand being around her.)
57511 "I cannot recommend him too highly."
57512 (However, to the best of my knowledge, he has never committed a
57513 felony in my presence.)
57518 "If you knew this person as well as I know him, you would think as much
57520 (Or as little, to phrase it slightly more accurately.)
57521 "Her input was always critical."
57522 (She never had a good word to say.)
57523 "I have no doubt about his capability to do good work."
57524 (And it's nonexistent.)
57525 "This candidate would lend balance to a department like yours, which
57526 already has so many outstanding members."
57527 (Unless you already have a moron.)
57528 "His presentation to my seminar last semester was truly remarkable:
57529 one unbelievable result after another."
57530 (And we didn't believe them, either.)
57531 "She is quite uniform in her approach to any function you may assign her."
57532 (In fact, to life in general...)
57537 "You will be fortunate if you can get him to work for you."
57538 (We certainly never succeeded.)
57539 There is no other employee with whom I can adequately compare him.
57540 (Well, our rats aren't really employees...)
57541 "Success will never spoil him."
57542 (Well, at least not MUCH more.)
57543 "One usually comes away from him with a good feeling."
57544 (And such a sigh of relief.)
57545 "His dissertation is the sort of work you don't expect to see these days;
57546 in it he has definitely demonstrated his complete capabilities."
57547 (And his IQ, as well.)
57548 "He should go far."
57549 (The farther the better.)
57550 "He will take full advantage of his staff."
57551 (He even has one of them mowing his lawn after work.)
57553 What they say: What they mean:
57555 A major technological breakthrough... Back to the drawing board.
57556 Developed after years of research Discovered by pure accident.
57557 Project behind original schedule due We're working on something else.
57558 to unforeseen difficulties
57559 Designs are within allowable limits We made it, stretching a point or two.
57560 Customer satisfaction is believed So far behind schedule that they'll be
57561 assured grateful for anything at all.
57562 Close project coordination We're gonna spread the blame, campers!
57563 Test results were extremely gratifying It works, and boy, were we surprised!
57564 The design will be finalized... We haven't started yet, but we've got
57566 The entire concept has been rejected The guy who designed it quit.
57567 We're moving forward with a fresh We hired three new guys, and they're
57568 approach kicking it around.
57569 A number of different approaches... We don't know where we're going, but
57571 Preliminary operational tests are Blew up when we turned it on.
57573 Modifications are underway We're starting over.
57575 What they say: What they mean:
57577 New Different colors from previous version.
57578 All New Not compatible with previous version.
57579 Exclusive Nobody else has documentation.
57580 Unmatched Almost as good as the competition.
57581 Design Simplicity The company wouldn't give us any money.
57582 Fool-proof Operation All parameters are hard-coded.
57583 Advanced Design Nobody really understands it.
57584 Here At Last Didn't get it done on time.
57585 Field Tested We don't have any simulators.
57586 Years of Development Finally got one to work.
57587 Unprecedented Performance Nothing ever ran this slow before.
57588 Revolutionary Disk drives go 'round and 'round.
57589 Futuristic Only runs on a next generation supercomputer.
57590 No Maintenance Impossible to fix.
57591 Performance Proven Worked through Beta test.
57592 Meets Tough Quality Standards It compiles without errors.
57593 Satisfaction Guaranteed We'll send you another pack if it fails.
57594 Stock Item We shipped it before and can do it again.
57596 What this country needs is a dime that will buy a good five-cent bagel.
57598 What this country needs is a good five cent ANYTHING!
57600 What this country needs is a good five cent microcomputer.
57602 What this country needs is a good five cent nickel.
57604 What this country needs is a good five dollar plasma weapon.
57606 What this world needs is a good five-dollar plasma weapon.
57609 I don't know, it keeps changing.
57611 What upsets me is not that you lied to me,
57612 but that from now on I can no longer believe you.
57613 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
57615 What use is magic if it can't save a unicorn?
57616 -- Peter S. Beagle, "The Last Unicorn"
57618 What we Are is God's give to us.
57619 What we Become is our gift to God.
57621 What we cannot speak about we must pass over in silence.
57624 What we do not understand we do not possess.
57627 What we need in this country, instead of Daylight Savings Time, which
57628 nobody really understands anyway, is a new concept called Weekday
57629 Morning Time, whereby at 7 a.m. every weekday we go into a space-
57630 launch-style "hold" for two to three hours, during which it just
57631 remains 7 a.m. This way we could all wake up via a civilized gradual
57632 process of stretching and belching and scratching, and it would still
57633 be only 7 a.m. when we were ready to actually emerge from bed.
57634 -- Dave Barry, "$#$%#^%!^%&@%@!"
57636 What we need is either less corruption,
57637 or more chance to participate in it.
57639 What we see depends on mainly what we look for.
57642 What we wish, that we readily believe.
57645 What will happen when the 32-bit Unix date goes negative in mid-January
57646 2038 does not bear thinking about.
57649 What will you do if all your problems aren't solved by the time you die?
57651 What you don't know can hurt you, only you won't know it.
57653 What you don't know won't help you much either.
57656 What you see is from outside yourself, and may come, or not, but is beyond
57657 your control. But your fear is yours, and yours alone, like your voice, or
57658 your fingers, or your memory, and therefore yours to control. If you feel
57659 powerless over your fear, you have not yet admitted that it is yours, to do
57661 -- Marion Zimmer Bradley, "Stormqueen"
57663 What you want, what you're hanging around in the world waiting for, is for
57664 something to occur to you.
57667 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
57668 referring to AST's.]
57670 Whatever became of eternal truth?
57672 Whatever became of Strange de Jim? Well, he found a substitute for
57673 cocaine: "You cover Q-tips with sandpaper and ram them up your nostrils
57674 as far as they will go. Then you sniff talcum powder while shredding
57675 hundred dollar bills."
57678 Whatever doesn't succeed in two months and a half in California will
57680 -- Rev. Henry Durant, founder of the University of California
57682 Whatever else can be said about sex, it cannot be called a dignified
57686 Whatever happened to the good old days
57687 when sex was dirty and the air was clean?
57689 Whatever is not nailed down is mine. What I can pry loose is not
57691 -- Collis P. Huntingdon
57693 Whatever is not nailed down is mine.
57694 Whatever I can pry up is not nailed down.
57695 -- Collis P. Huntingdon, railroad tycoon
57697 Whatever it is, I fear Greeks even when they bring gifts.
57698 -- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil)
57700 Whatever occurs from love is always beyond good and evil.
57701 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
57703 "Whatever the missing mass of the universe is, I hope it's not
57707 Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half
57708 as good. Luckily this is not difficult.
57709 -- Charlotte Whitton
57711 Whatever you do will be insignificant, but it is very important that
57715 Whatever you may be sure of, be sure of this: that you are dreadfully like
57717 -- James Russell Lowell, "My Study Windows"
57719 Whatever you want to do, you have to do something else first.
57721 What's a cult? It just means not enough people to make a minority.
57724 What's all this bru-ha-ha?
57726 "What's another word for Thesaurus?"
57729 What's done to children, they will do to society.
57731 What's page one, a preemptive strike?
57732 -- Professor Freund, Communication, Ramapo State College
57736 What's the matter with the world? Why, there ain't but one thing wrong
57737 with every one of us - and that's "selfishness."
57738 -- The Best of Will Rogers
57740 What's the ugliest part of your body?
57741 What's the ugliest part of your body?
57742 Some say your nose,
57743 Some say your toes,
57744 But I think it's your mind.
57745 -- Frank Zappa, 1965
57747 "What's the use of a good quotation if you can't change it?"
57750 What's this stuff about people being "released on their
57751 own recognizance"? Aren't we all out on own recognizance?
57753 When a Banker jumps out of a window, jump after him -- that's where the
57757 When a camel flies, no one laughs if it doesn't get very far!
57759 When a cow laughs, does milk come out of its nose?
57761 When a fellow says, "It ain't the money but the principle of the
57762 thing," it's the money.
57765 When a fly lands on the ceiling, does it do a half roll or a half
57768 When a girl can read the handwriting on
57769 the wall, she may be in the wrong rest room.
57771 When a girl marries she exchanges the attentions of many men for the
57772 inattentions of one.
57775 When a lion meets another with a louder roar,
57776 the first lion thinks the last a bore.
57777 -- George Bernard Shaw
57779 When a lot of remedies are suggested for
57780 a disease, that means it can't be cured.
57781 -- Chekhov, "The Cherry Orchard"
57783 When a man assumes a public trust, he
57784 should consider himself as public property.
57785 -- Thomas Jefferson
57787 When a man is tired of London, he is tired of life.
57790 When a man knows he is to be hanged in a fortnight,
57791 it concentrates his mind wonderfully.
57794 When a man sits with a pretty girl for an hour, it seems like a minute.
57795 But let him sit on a hot stove for a minute-- and it's longer than any
57796 hour. That's relativity.
57799 When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him
57803 When a man you like switches from what he said a year ago, or four years
57804 ago, he is a broad-minded man who has courage enough to change his mind
57805 with changing conditions. When a man you don't like does it, he is a
57806 liar who has broken his promises.
57809 When a person goes on a diet, the first thing he loses is his temper.
57811 When a place gets crowded enough to require ID's, social collapse is
57812 not far away. It is time to go elsewhere. The best thing about space
57813 travel is that it made it possible to go elsewhere.
57814 -- Robert A. Heinlein, "Time Enough For Love"
57816 When a shepherd goes to kill a wolf, and takes his dog along to see the
57817 sport, he should take care to avoid mistakes. The dog has certain
57818 relationships to the wolf the shepherd may have forgotten.
57819 -- Robert Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle
57822 When a woman gives me a present I have always two surprises:
57823 first is the present, and afterward, having to pay for it.
57826 When a woman marries again it is because she detested her first husband.
57827 When a man marries again, it is because he adored his first wife.
57830 When alerted to an intrusion by tinkling glass or otherwise, 1) Calm
57831 yourself 2) Identify the intruder 3) If hostile, kill him.
57833 Step number 3 is of particular importance. If you leave the guy alive
57834 out of misguided softheartedness, he will repay your generosity of spirit
57835 by suing you for causing his subsequent paraplegia and seek to force you
57836 to support him for the rest of his rotten life. In court he will plead
57837 that he was depressed because society had failed him, and that he was
57838 looking for Mother Teresa for comfort and to offer his services to the
57839 poor. In that lawsuit, you will lose. If, on the other hand, you kill
57840 him, the most that you can expect is that a relative will bring a wrongful
57841 death action. You will have two advantages: first, there be only your
57842 story; forget Mother Teresa. Second, even if you lose, how much could
57843 the bum's life be worth anyway? A lot less than 50 years worth of
57844 paralysis. Don't play George Bush and Saddam Hussein. Finish the job.
57845 -- G. Gordon Liddy's Forbes column on personal security
57847 When Alexander Graham Bell died in 1922, the telephone people
57848 interrupted service for one minute in his honor. They've been
57849 honoring him intermittently ever since, I believe.
57852 When all else fails, EAT!!!
57854 When all else fails, pour a pint of Guinness in the gas tank, advance
57855 the spark 20 degrees, cry "God Save the Queen!", and pull the starter
57857 -- MG "Series MGA" Workshop Manual
57859 When all else fails, read the instructions.
57861 When all else fails, try Kate Smith.
57863 When all other means of communication fail, try words.
57865 When among apes, one must play the ape.
57867 When angry, count four; when very angry, swear.
57870 "When are you BUTTHEADS gonna learn that you can't oppose Gestapo
57871 tactics *with* Gestapo tactics?"
57874 When arguments fail, use a blackjack.
57875 -- Ed "Spike" O'Donnell
57877 When arguments fail, use a blackjack.
57878 -- Edward "Spike" O'Donnell, Al Capone associate
57880 When asked by an anthropologist what the Indians called America before
57881 the white men came, an Indian said simply "Ours."
57882 -- Vine Deloria, Jr.
57884 When asked the definition of "pi":
57886 Pi is the number expressing the relationship between the
57887 circumference of a circle and its diameter.
57889 Pi is 3.1415927, plus or minus 0.000000005.
57893 When Boy Scouts do it, it's intense.
57895 When childhood dies, its corpses are called adults.
57898 When choosing between two evils, I always
57899 like to take the one I've never tried before.
57900 -- Mae West, "Klondike Annie"
57902 When confronted by a difficult problem, you can often solve it quite
57903 easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger
57906 When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by
57907 reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"
57909 When Cthulhu calls, He calls collect!
57911 When democracy granted democratic methods to us in times of opposition, this
57912 was bound to happen in a democratic system. However, we National Socialists
57913 never asserted that we represented a democratic point of view, but we have
57914 declared openly that we used the democratic methods only to gain power and
57915 that, after assuming the power, we would deny to our adversaries without any
57916 consideration the means which were granted to us in times of our opposition.
57919 When Dexter's on the Internet, can Hell be far behind?"
57921 When does later become never?
57923 When does summertime come to Minnesota, you ask? Well, last year, I
57924 think it was a Tuesday.
57926 When eating an elephant take one bite at a time.
57929 When forecasting, give them a number
57930 or give them a date, but never both.
57932 When God endowed human beings with brains, He did not intend to
57935 When God saw how faulty was man He tried again and made woman. As to
57936 why he then stopped there are two opinions. One of them is woman's.
57939 When he got in trouble in the ring, [Ali] imagined a door swung open and
57940 inside he could see neon, orange, and green lights blinking, and bats
57941 blowing trumpets and alligators blowing trombones, and he could hear snakes
57942 screaming. Weird masks and actors' clothes hung on the wall, and if he
57943 stepped across the sill and reached for them, he knew that he was committing
57944 himself to destruction.
57947 When I came back to Dublin I was courtmartialed in my absence and sentenced
57948 to death in my absence, so I said they could shoot me in my absence.
57951 When I demanded of my friend what viands he preferred,
57952 He quoth: "A large cold bottle, and a small hot bird!"
57953 -- Eugene Field, "The Bottle and the Bird"
57955 when i die, i'd like to go peacefully.
57957 like my grandfather.
57960 like the passengers in his car...
57962 When I drink, *everybody* drinks!" a man shouted to the assembled bar patrons. A
57963 loud general cheer went up. After downing his whiskey, he hopped onto a
57964 barstool and shouted "When I take another drink, *everybody* takes another
57965 drink!" The announcement produced another cheer and another round of drinks.
57966 As soon as he had downed his second drink, the fellow hopped back
57967 onto the stool. "And when I pay," he bellowed, slapping five dollars onto
57968 the bar, "*everybody* pays!"
57970 When I first arrived in this country I had only fifteen cents in my pocket
57971 and a willingness to compromise.
57972 -- Weber cartoon caption
57974 "When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great
57975 parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if
57979 When I have one foot in the grave I will tell the truth about women. I
57980 shall tell it, jump into my coffin, pull the lid over me, and say, "Do
57981 what you like now."
57984 When I hear a man applauded by the mob I always feel a pang of pity
57985 for him. All he has to do to be hissed is to live long enough.
57986 -- H. L. Mencken, "Minority Report"
57988 When I heated my home with oil, I used an average of 800 gallons a
57989 year. I have found that I can keep comfortably warm for an entire
57990 winter with slightly over half that quantity of beer.
57991 -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler"
57993 When I kill, the only thing I feel is recoil.
57995 When I said "we", officer, I was referring to myself, the four young
57996 ladies, and, of course, the goat.
57998 When I saw a sign on the freeway that said, "Los Angeles 445 miles," I said
57999 to myself, "I've got to get out of this lane."
58002 When I say the magic word to all these people, they will vanish forever.
58003 I will then say the magic words to you, and you, too, will vanish -- never
58005 -- Kurt Vonnegut Jr., "Between Time and Timbuktu"
58007 When I sell liquor, it's called bootlegging; when my patrons serve
58008 it on silver trays on Lake Shore Drive, it's called hospitality.
58011 When I think about myself,
58012 I almost laugh myself to death,
58013 My life has been one great big joke, Sixty years in these folks' world
58014 A dance that's walked The child I works for calls me girl
58015 A song that's spoke, I say "Yes ma'am" for working's sake.
58016 I laugh so hard I almost choke Too proud to bend
58017 When I think about myself. Too poor to break,
58018 I laugh until my stomach ache,
58019 When I think about myself.
58020 My folks can make me split my side,
58021 I laughed so hard I nearly died,
58022 The tales they tell, sound just like lying,
58023 They grow the fruit,
58025 I laugh until I start to crying,
58026 When I think about my folks.
58029 When I was 16, I thought there was no hope for my father.
58030 By the time I was 20, he had made great improvement.
58032 When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. Now
58033 I'm beginning to believe it.
58036 When I was a child... We had a quick-sand box in the backyard...
58037 I was an only child... eventually.
58040 When I was a kid I said to my father one afternoon, "Daddy, will you
58041 take me to the zoo?" He answered, "If the zoo wants you let them come
58045 When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd
58046 all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us.
58047 It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.
58050 When I was a kid, we had a quick-sand box in the backyard.
58051 I was an only child... eventually.
58054 When I was a young man, I vowed never to marry until I found the ideal
58055 woman. Well, I found her -- but alas, she was waiting for the ideal man.
58058 "When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any
58059 firearms with me. I said, `Well, what do you need?'"
58062 When I was growing up my mother kept telling me we're just friends.
58064 I tell ya I was an ugly kid. I was so ugly that my Dad kept the kid's
58065 picture that came with the wallet he bought.
58066 -- Rodney Dangerfield
58068 When I was in college, there were a lot of four-letter words you couldn't
58069 say in front of girls. Now you can say them. But you can't say "girls".
58071 When I was in school, I cheated on my metaphysics exam: I looked into
58072 the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
58075 When I was little, I went into a pet shop and they asked how big I'd get.
58076 -- Rodney Dangerfield
58078 When I was seven years old, I was once reprimanded by my mother for an
58079 act of collective brutality in which I had been involved at school. A
58080 group of seven-year-olds had been teasing and tormenting a
58081 six-year-old. "It is always so," my mother said. "You do things
58082 together which not one of you would think of doing alone." ...
58083 Wherever one looks in the world of human organization, collective
58084 responsibility brings a lowering of moral standards. The military
58085 establishment is an extreme case, an organization which seems to have
58086 been expressly designed to make it possible for people to do things
58087 together which nobody in his right mind would do alone.
58088 -- Freeman Dyson, "Weapons and Hope"
58090 When I was young we didn't have MTV; we
58091 had to take drugs and go to concerts.
58094 When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it had happened
58095 or not; but my faculties are decaying now and soon I shall be so I
58096 cannot remember any but the things that never happened. It is sad to
58097 go to pieces like this but we all have to do it.
58100 When I woke up this morning, my girlfriend asked if I had
58101 slept well. I said, "No, I made a few mistakes."
58104 When I works, I works hard.
58105 When I sits, I sits easy.
58106 And when I thinks, I goes to sleep.
58108 When I'm gone, boxing will be nothing again. The fans with the cigars and
58109 the hats turned down'll be there, but no more housewives and little men in
58110 the street and foreign presidents. It's goin' to be back to the fighter who
58111 comes to town, smells a flower, visits a hospital, blows a horn and says
58112 he's in shape. Old hat. I was the onliest boxer in history people asked
58113 questions like a senator.
58116 When I'm good, I'm great; but when I'm bad, I'm better.
58119 When in charge ponder,
58120 When in doubt mumble,
58121 When in trouble delegate.
58123 When in doubt, do it. It's much easier
58124 to apologize than to get permission.
58125 -- Grace Murray Hopper
58127 When in doubt, do what the President does -- guess.
58129 When in doubt, follow your heart.
58131 When in doubt, have a man come through the door with a gun in his hand.
58132 -- Raymond Chandler
58134 When in doubt, lead trump.
58136 When in doubt, mumble; when in trouble, delegate; when in charge, ponder.
58139 When in doubt, tell the truth.
58142 When in doubt, use brute force.
58145 When in panic, fear and doubt,
58146 Drink in barrels, eat, and shout.
58148 When in Rome, live in the Roman way.
58151 When in this world the headlines read
58152 Of those whose hearts are filled with greed
58153 Who rob and steal from those who need
58154 The cry goes up with blinding speed for Underdog (UNDERDOG!)
58155 Underdog (UNDERDOG!)
58156 Speed of lightning, roar of thunder
58157 Fighting all who rob or plunder
58158 Underdog (ah-ah-ah-ah)
58162 When in trouble or in doubt, run in circles, scream and shout.
58164 When it comes to broken marriages most husbands will split the blame --
58165 half his wife's fault, and half her mother's.
58167 When it comes to helping you, some people stop at nothing.
58169 When it is not necessary to make a decision,
58170 it is necessary not to make a decision.
58172 When it's dark enough you can see the stars.
58173 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson,
58175 When license fees are too high,
58176 users do things by hand.
58177 When the management is too intrusive,
58178 users lose their spirit.
58180 Hack for the user's benefit.
58181 Trust them; leave them alone.
58183 When love is gone, there's always justice.
58184 And when justice is gone, there's always force.
58185 And when force is gone, there's always Mom.
58189 When man calls an animal "vicious", he usually means that it
58190 will attempt to defend itself when he tries to kill it.
58192 When managers hold endless meetings, the programmers write games. When
58193 accountants talk of quarterly profits, the development budget is about to
58194 be cut. When senior scientists talk blue sky, the clouds are about to roll
58197 Truly, this is not the Tao of Programming.
58199 When managers make commitments, game programs are ignored. When accountants
58200 make long-range plans, harmony and order are about to be restored. When
58201 senior scientists address the problems at hand, the problems will soon be
58204 Truly, this is the Tao of Programming.
58206 When Marriage is Outlawed,
58207 Only Outlaws will have Inlaws.
58209 When more and more people are thrown out of work, unemployment
58213 When my brain begins to reel from my
58214 literary labors, I make an occasional cheese dip.
58217 When my fist clenches crack it open,
58218 Before I use it and lose my cool.
58219 When I smile tell me some bad news,
58220 Before I laugh and act like a fool.
58222 And if I swallow anything evil,
58223 Put you finger down my throat.
58224 And if I shiver please give me a blanket,
58225 Keep me warm let me wear your coat
58227 No one knows what it's like to be the bad man,
58230 No one knows what its like to be hated,
58232 To telling only lies.
58233 -- The Who, "Behind Blue Eyes"
58235 When my freshman roommate at Cornell found out I was Jewish, she was,
58236 at her request, moved to a different room. She told me she didn't
58237 think she had ever seen a Jew before. My only response was to begin
58238 wearing a small Star of David on a chain around my neck. I had not
58239 become a more observing Jew; rather, discovering that the label of
58240 Jew was offensive to others made me want to let people know who I
58241 was and what I believed in. Similarly, after talking to these young
58242 women -- one of whom told me that she didn't think she had ever met
58243 a feminist -- I've taken to identifying myself as a feminist in the
58244 most unlikely of situations.
58245 -- Susan Bolotin, "Voices From the Post-Feminist Generation"
58247 When neither their poverty nor their honor is
58248 touched, the majority of men live content.
58249 -- Niccolo Machiavelli
58251 When nothing can possibly go wrong, it will.
58253 When one burns one's bridges, what a very nice fire it makes.
58256 When one knows women one pities men,
58257 but when one studies men, one excuses women.
58260 When one wants to get rid of an unsupportable pressure, one needs hashish.
58261 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
58263 When one woman was asked how long she had been going to symphony
58264 concerts, she paused to calculate and replied, "Forty-seven years --
58265 and I find I mind it less and less."
58266 -- Louise Andrews Kent
58268 When oxygen Tech played Hydrogen U.
58269 The Game had just begun, when Hydrogen scored two fast points
58270 And Oxygen still had none
58271 Then Oxygen scored a single goal
58272 And thus it did remain, At Hydrogen 2 and Oxygen 1
58273 Called because of rain.
58275 When people have trouble communicating,
58276 the least they can do is to shut up.
58279 When people say nothing, they don't necessarily mean nothing.
58281 When pleasure remains, does it remain a pleasure?
58283 When President Paul Doumer of France was assassinated in Paris in 1932,
58284 newspapers differed in their versions of the event. This is from "Paris
58285 was Yesterday: 1925-1939" by Janet Flanner, edited by Irving Drutman.
58287 Taste varied as to his cry when he was shot down, the more popular
58288 papers preferring his despairing "Oh, la la!," the graver dailies
58289 favoring "Is it possible?" What few reported were his dying words:
58290 "But what kind of chauffeur was it?" Having been told by his aides
58291 not that he had been shot but that he had been struck by a taxi, the
58292 President spent the last conscious moments of his life wondering how
58293 how an automobile got into the charity book sale at the Maison
58294 Rothschild, where his assassination occurred.
58296 When properly administered, vacations do not diminish productivity:
58297 for every week you're away and get nothing done, there's another when
58298 your boss is away and you get twice as much done.
58301 When smashing monuments, save the pedestals -- they always come in handy.
58302 -- Stanislaw J. Lec, "Unkempt Thoughts"
58304 When some people decide it's time for everyone to make
58305 big changes, it means that they want you to change first.
58307 When some people discover the truth, they just
58308 can't understand why everybody isn't eager to hear it.
58310 When someone makes a move We'll send them all we've got,
58311 Of which we don't approve, John Wayne and Randolph Scott,
58312 Who is it that always intervenes? Remember those exciting fighting scenes?
58313 U.N. and O.A.S., To the shores of Tripoli,
58314 They have their place, I guess, But not to Mississippoli,
58315 But first, send the Marines! What do we do? We send the Marines!
58317 For might makes right, Members of the corps
58318 And till they've seen the light, All hate the thought of war:
58319 They've got to be protected, They'd rather kill them off by
58321 All their rights respected, Stop calling it aggression--
58322 Till somebody we like can be elected. We hate that expression!
58323 We only want the world to know
58324 That we support the status quo;
58325 They love us everywhere we go,
58326 So when in doubt, send the Marines!
58327 -- Tom Lehrer, "Send The Marines"
58329 When someone says "I want a programming language in which I need only
58330 say what I wish done," give him a lollipop.
58332 When speculation has done its worst, two plus two still equals four.
58335 When taxes are due, Americans tend to feel quite bled-white and blue.
58337 When the Apple IIc was introduced, the informative copy led off with a couple
58338 of asterisked sentences:
58340 It weighs less than 8 pounds.*
58341 And costs less than $1,300.**
58343 In tiny type were these "fuller explanations":
58345 * Don't asterisks make you suspicious as all get out? Well, all
58346 this means is that the IIc alone weights 7.5 pounds. The power
58347 pack, monitor, an extra disk drive, a printer and several bricks
58348 will make the IIc weigh more. Our lawyers were concerned that you
58349 might not be able to figure this out for yourself.
58351 ** The FTC is concerned about price fixing. You can pay more if
58352 you really want to. Or less.
58355 When the ax entered the forest, the trees said, "The handle is one of us!"
58358 When the blind lead the blind they will both fall over the cliff.
58361 When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never
58362 talking about themselves.
58364 When the candles are out all women are fair.
58367 When the cup is full, carry it level.
58369 When the doubt vanishes and the issue becomes evident, stupidity reigns.
58370 -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967)
58372 When the English language gets in my way, I walk over it.
58375 When the fog came in on little cat feet last night, it left these little
58376 muddy paw prints on the hood of my car.
58378 When the going gets tough, everyone leaves.
58381 When the going gets tough, the tough get empirical.
58384 When the going gets tough, the tough go grab a beer.
58386 When the going gets tough, the tough go shopping.
58388 When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro.
58389 -- Hunter S. Thompson
58391 When the government bureau's remedies don't match your problem, you
58392 modify the problem, not the remedy.
58394 When the Guru administers, the users
58395 are hardly aware that he exists.
58396 Next best is a sysop who is loved.
58397 Next, one who is feared.
58398 And worst, one who is despised.
58400 If you don't trust the users,
58401 you make them untrustworthy.
58403 The Guru doesn't talk, he hacks.
58404 When his work is done,
58405 the users say, "Amazing:
58406 we implemented it, all by ourselves!"
58408 When the leaders speak of peace
58409 The common folk know
58411 When the leaders curse war
58412 The mobilization order is already written out.
58414 Every day, to earn my daily bread
58415 I go to the market where lies are bought
58417 I take my place among the sellers.
58418 -- Bertolt Brecht, "Hollywood"
58420 When the lights are out, all women are fair.
58423 When the Ngdanga tribe of West Africa hold their moon love ceremonies,
58424 the men of the tribe bang their heads on sacred trees until they get a
58425 nose bleed, which usually cures them of ____
\b\b\b\bthat.
58426 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
58428 When the only tool you have is a hammer, every problem starts to look
58431 When the President does it, that means it is not illegal.
58434 When the revolution comes, count your change.
58436 When the saleman's car broke down, he walked to the nearest farmhouse to ask
58437 if he could stay the night. The farmer agreed to put him up. "I live alone,"
58438 he continued, "you can have the bedroom at the top of the stairs, to the
58440 "Oh, never mind," the disappointed salesman said. "I think I'm in
58443 When the speaker and he to whom he is speaks do not understand, that is
58447 When the sun shineth, make hay.
58450 When the Universe was not so out of whack as it is today, and all the
58451 stars were lined up in their proper places, you could easily count them
58452 from left to right, or top to bottom, and the larger and bluer ones
58453 were set apart, and the smaller yellowing types pushed off to the
58454 corners as bodies of a lower grade ...
58455 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
58457 When the usher noticed a man stretched across three seats in a movie theatre,
58458 he walked over and whispered, "I'm sorry, sir, but you're allowed only a single
58459 seat." The man moaned, but did not budge. "Sir," the user said more loudly,
58460 "if you don't move, I'll have to call a manager." The man moaned again but
58461 stayed where he was. The usher left, and returned with the manager, who, after
58462 several more attempts at dislodging the fellow, called the police.
58463 The cop took a look at the reclining man and said, "All right, boyo,
58465 "Samuel," he mumbled.
58466 "And where're you from, Sam?"
58469 When the weight of the paperwork equals the weight of the plane, the
58473 When the wind is great, bow before it;
58474 when the wind is heavy, yield to it.
58476 When there are two conflicting versions of the story, the wise course
58477 is to believe the one in which people appear at their worst.
58478 -- H. Allen Smith, "Let the Crabgrass Grow"
58480 When there is an old maid in the house, a watch dog is unnecessary.
58481 -- Honore de Balzac
58483 When things go well, expect something to
58484 explode, erode, collapse or just disappear.
58486 When two people are under the influence of the most violent, most
58487 insane, most delusive, and most transient of passions, they are
58488 required to swear that they will remain in that excited, abnormal, and
58489 exhausting condition continuously until death do them part.
58490 -- George Bernard Shaw
58492 When users see one GUI as beautiful,
58493 other user interfaces become ugly.
58494 When users see some programs as winners,
58495 other programs become lossage.
58497 Pointers and NULLs reference each other.
58498 High level and assembler depend on each other.
58499 Double and float cast to each other.
58500 High-endian and low-endian define each other.
58501 While and until follow each other.
58504 programs without doing anything
58505 and teaches without saying anything.
58506 Warnings arise and he lets them come;
58507 processes are swapped and he lets them go.
58508 He has but doesn't possess,
58509 acts but doesn't expect.
58510 When his work is done, he deletes it.
58511 That is why it lasts forever.
58513 When we are planning for posterity, we ought to remember that virtue is
58517 When we jumped into Sicily, the units became separated, and I couldn't find
58518 anyone. Eventually I stumbled across two colonels, a major, three captains,
58519 two lieutenants, and one rifleman, and we secured the bridge. Never in the
58520 history of war have so few been led by so many.
58521 -- General James Gavin
58523 When we talk of tomorrow, the gods laugh.
58525 When we understand knowledge-based systems, it will be as before --
58526 except our fingertips will have been singed.
58527 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
58529 When we understand knowledge-based systems, it will be
58530 as before -- except our finger-tips will have been singed.
58532 When we write programs that "learn",
58533 it turns out we do and they don't.
58535 When women kiss it always reminds one of prize fighters shaking hands.
58536 -- H. L. Mencken, "Sententiae"
58538 When women love us, they forgive us everything, even our crimes;
58539 when they do not love us, they give us credit for nothing, not
58541 -- Honore de Balzac
58543 When you are about to die, a wombat is better than no company at all.
58544 -- Roger Zelazny, "Doorways in the Sand"
58546 When you are about to do an objective and scientific piece of
58547 investigation of a topic, it is well to have the answer firmly in hand,
58548 so that you can proceed forthrightly, without being deflected or
58549 swayed, directly to the goal.
58552 When you are at Rome live in the Roman style;
58553 when you are elsewhere live as they live elsewhere.
58556 "When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut."
58558 When you are working hard, get up and retch every so often.
58560 When you are young, you enjoy a sustained illusion that sooner or later
58561 something marvelous is going to happen, that you are going to transcend
58562 your parents' limitations... At the same time, you feel sure that in all
58563 the wilderness of possibility; in all the forests of opinion, there is a
58564 vital something that can be known -- known and grasped. That we will
58565 eventually know it, and convert the whole mystery into a coherent
58566 narrative. So that then one's true life -- the point of everything --
58567 will emerge from the mist into a pure light, into total comprehension.
58568 But it isn't like that at all. But if it isn't, where did the idea come
58569 from, to torture and unsettle us?
58570 -- Brian Aldiss, "Helliconia Summer"
58572 When you become used to never being alone,
58573 you may consider yourself Americanized.
58575 When you dial a wrong number you never get a busy signal.
58577 When you die, you lose a very important part of your life.
58580 When you dig another out of trouble,
58581 you've got a place to bury your own.
58583 When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly.
58585 When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
58587 When you don't know what you are doing, do it neatly.
58589 When you find yourself in danger, when you're threatened by a stranger,
58590 When it looks like you will take a lickin'...
58591 There is one thing you should learn,
58592 When there is no one else to turn to,
58593 Caaaall for Super Chicken (**bwuck-bwuck-bwuck-bwuck**)
58594 Caaaall for Super Chicken!!
58596 When you find yourself in danger,
58597 When you're threatened by a stranger,
58598 When it looks like you will take a lickin'...
58600 There is one thing you should learn,
58601 When there is no one else to turn to,
58602 Caaaall for Super Chicken!! (**bwuck-bwuck-bwuck-bwuck**)
58603 Caaaall for Super Chicken!!
58605 When you find yourself in danger,
58606 When you're threatened by a stranger,
58607 When it looks like you will take a lickin'...
58608 There is one thing you should learn,
58609 When there is no one else to turn to,
58610 Caaaaaall for Super Chicken.
58612 When you get what you want in your struggle for self
58613 And the world makes you king for a day,
58614 Just go to a mirror and look at yourself
58615 And see what that man has to say.
58616 For it isn't your father or mother or wife
58617 Whose judgement upon you must pass;
58618 The fellow whose verdict counts most in your life
58619 Is the one staring back from the glass.
58620 Some people may think you a straight-shootin' chum
58621 And call you a wonderful guy,
58622 But the man in the glass says you're only a bum
58623 If you can't look him straight in the eye.
58624 He's the fellow to please, never mind all the rest,
58625 For he's with you clear up to the end,
58626 And you've passed your most dangerous, difficult test
58627 If the man in the glass is your friend.
58628 You may fool the whole world down the pathway of life
58629 And get pats on the back as you pass,
58630 But your final reward will be heartaches and tears
58631 If you've cheated the man in the glass.
58633 When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve
58634 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
58637 When you go out to buy, don't show your silver.
58639 When you have an efficient government, you have a dictatorship.
58642 When you have eliminated the impossible, whatever
58643 remains, however improbable, must be the truth.
58644 -- Sherlock Holmes, "The Sign of Four"
58646 "When you have to kill a man it costs nothing to be polite."
58647 -- Winston Churchill, on formal declarations of war
58649 When you jump for joy, beware that no-one
58650 moves the ground from beneath your feet.
58651 -- Stanislaw J. Lec, "Unkempt Thoughts"
58653 When you know absolutely nothing about the topic, make your forecast by
58654 asking a carefully selected probability sample of 300 others who don't
58655 know the answer either.
58656 -- Edgar R. Fiedler
58658 When you live in a sick society,
58659 just about everything you do is wrong.
58661 When you make your mark in the world, watch out for guys with erasers.
58662 -- The Wall Street Journal
58664 When you meet a master swordsman,
58665 show him your sword.
58666 When you meet a man who is not a poet,
58667 do not show him your poem.
58668 -- Rinzai, ninth century Zen master
58670 When you overesteem great hackers,
58671 more users become cretins.
58672 When you develop encryption,
58673 more users become crackers.
58676 by emptying user's minds
58677 and increasing their quotas,
58678 by weakening their ambition
58679 and toughening their resolve.
58680 When users lack knowledge and desire,
58681 management will not try to interfere.
58683 Practice not-looping,
58684 and everything will fall into place.
58686 When you say that you agree to a thing in principle, you mean that
58687 you have not the slightest intention of carrying it out in practice.
58688 -- Otto von Bismarck
58690 When you speak to others for their own good it's advice;
58691 when they speak to you for your own good it's interference.
58693 When you try to make an impression, the chances are that is the
58694 impression you will make.
58696 When you were born, a big chance was taken for you.
58698 When your conscious becomes unconscious, you are drunk.
58699 When your unconscious becomes conscious, you are stoned.
58701 When your life is a leaf that the seasons tear off and condemn
58702 They will bind you with love that is graceful and green as a stem.
58703 -- Leonard Cohen, "Sisters of Mercy"
58705 When your memory goes, forget it!
58707 When your work speaks for itself, don't interrupt.
58711 You're a Yup all the way
58712 From your first slice of Brie
58713 To your last Cabernet.
58716 You're not just a dreamer
58717 You're making things happen
58718 You're driving a Beamer.
58720 When you're away, I'm restless, lonely
58721 Wretched, bored, dejected, only
58722 Here's the rub, my darling dear,
58723 I feel the same when you are hear.
58724 -- Samuel Hoffenstein, "Poems in Praise of Practically Nothing"
58726 When you're away, I'm restless, lonely,
58727 Wretched, bored, dejected; only
58728 Here's the rub, my darling dear
58729 I feel the same when you are near.
58730 -- Samuel Hoffenstein, "When You're Away"
58732 When you're bored with yourself, marry, and be bored with someone else.
58733 -- David Pryce-Jones
58735 When you're dining out and you suspect
58736 something's wrong, you're probably right.
58738 When you're down and out, lift up your
58739 voice and shout, "I'M DOWN AND OUT"!
58741 When you're in command, command.
58744 When you're married to someone, they take you for granted ... when
58745 you're living with someone it's fantastic ... they're so frightened
58746 of losing you they've got to keep you satisfied all the time.
58747 -- Nell Dunn, "Poor Cow"
58749 When you're not looking at it, this fortune is written in FORTRAN.
58751 When you're ready to give up the struggle, who can you surrender to?
58753 WHEN YOU'RE RIDING IN A TIME MACHINE way far into the future, don't stick
58754 your elbow out the window or it'll turn into a fossil.
58755 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican", 1988.
58757 When you've seen one nuclear war, you've seen them all.
58759 Whenever a system becomes completely defined,
58760 some damn fool discovers something which either
58761 abolishes the system or expands it beyond recognition.
58763 WHENEVER ANYBODY SAYS he's struggling to become a human being I have to
58764 laugh because the apes beat him to it by about a million years. Struggle
58765 to become a parrot or something.
58766 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican", 1988.
58768 Whenever anyone says, "theoretically", they really mean, "not really".
58771 Whenever I date a guy, I think, is this the man I want my children
58772 to spend their weekends with?
58775 Whenever I feel like exercise, I lie down until the feeling passes.
58777 Whenever I hear anyone arguing for slavery, I feel a strong impulse to
58778 see it tried on him personally.
58781 Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct
58782 is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me.
58783 Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.
58786 Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong.
58789 Whenever Richard Cory went downtown,
58790 We people on the pavement looked at him:
58791 He was a gentleman from sole to crown,
58792 Clean-favored, and imperially slim.
58793 And he was always quietly arrayed,
58794 And he was always human when he talked;
58795 But still he fluttered pulses when he said,
58796 "Good morning," and he glittered when he walked.
58797 And he was rich -- yes, richer than a king --
58798 And admirably schooled in every grace:
58799 In fine, we thought that he was everything
58800 To make us wish that we were in his place.
58801 So on we worked, and waited for the light,
58802 And went without the meat, and cursed the bread;
58803 And Richard Cory, one calm summer night,
58804 Went home and put a bullet through his head.
58805 -- E. A. Robinson, "Richard Cory"
58807 Whenever someone tells you to take their advice,
58808 you can be pretty sure that they're not using it.
58810 Whenever the literary German dives into a sentence, that is the last
58811 you are going to see of him until he emerges on the other side of his
58812 Atlantic with his verb in his mouth.
58814 "Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court"
58816 Whenever the literary German dives into a sentence, that
58817 is the last you are going to see of him until he emerges
58818 on the other side of his Atlantic with his verb in his mouth.
58821 Whenever you find that you are on the side of the majority, it is time
58825 Where a calculator on the ENIAC is equipped with 18,000 vacuum tubes and
58826 weighs 30 tons, computers in the future may have only 1,000 vacuum tubes
58827 and perhaps weigh 1 1/2 tons.
58828 -- Popular Mechanics, March 1949
58830 Where am I? Who am I? Am I? I
58832 Where are the calculations that go with a calculated risk?
58834 WHERE CAN THE MATTER BE
58836 Oh, dear, where can the matter be
58837 When it's converted to energy?
58838 There is a slight loss of parity.
58839 Johnny's so long at the fair.
58841 Where do I find the time for not reading so many books?
58844 Where do you go to get anorexia?
58847 where everything is reversed, after which the point becomes to understand
58848 more and more that there is something which cannot be understood.
58851 Where humor is concerned there are no standards -- no one can say what
58852 is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.
58853 -- John Kenneth Galbraith
58855 Where is John Carson now that we need him?
58858 Where it is a duty to worship the sun it is pretty sure to be a crime to
58859 examine the laws of heat.
58860 -- Christopher Morley
58862 Where, oh, where, are you tonight?
58863 Why did you leave me here all alone?
58864 I searched the world over, and I thought I'd found true love.
58865 You met another, and *PPHHHLLLBBBBTTT*, you wuz gone.
58867 Gloom, despair and agony on me.
58868 Deep dark depression, excessive misery.
58869 If it weren't for bad luck, I'd have no luck at all.
58870 Oh, gloom, despair and agony on me.
58873 Where, oh where, are you tonight?
58874 Why did you leave me here all alone?
58875 I searched the world over,
58876 And I thought I'd found true love,
58877 You met another and [Bronx cheer] you were gone!
58880 Where the hell is Wall Drug?
58882 Where the system is concerned, you're not allowed to ask "Why?".
58884 Where there are visible vapors, having their prevenance
58885 in ignited carbonaceous materials, there is conflagration.
58887 Where there is much light there is also much shadow.
58890 Where there's a whip there's a way.
58892 Where there's a will, there's a relative.
58894 Where there's a will, there's an Inheritance Tax.
58896 Where will it all end?
58897 Probably somewhere near where it all began.
58899 Where you stand depends on where you sit.
58900 -- Rufus Miles, HEW
58902 Whereof one cannot speak, thereof one must be silent.
58905 Where's the man could ease a heart
58907 -- Dorothy Parker, "The Satin Dress"
58909 ...whether it is better to spend a life not knowing what you want or to
58910 spend a life knowing exactly what you want and that you will never have it.
58913 Whether weary or unweary, O man, do not rest,
58914 Do not cease your single-handed struggle.
58915 Go on, do not rest.
58916 -- An old Gujarati hymn
58918 Whether you can hear it or not,
58919 The Universe is laughing behind your back.
58921 Whether you can hear it or not
58922 The Universe is laughing behind your back
58923 -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
58925 Which is worse: ignorance or apathy? Who knows? Who cares?
58927 Which would you rather have, a bursting
58928 planet or an earthquake here and there?
58929 -- John Joseph Lynch
58931 While anyone can admit to themselves they were wrong, the true test is
58932 admission to someone else.
58934 While Europe's eye is fix'd on mighty things,
58935 The fate of empires and the fall of kings;
58936 While quacks of State must each produce his plan,
58937 And even children lisp the Rights of Man;
58938 Amid this mighty fuss just let me mention,
58939 The Rights of Woman merit some attention.
58940 -- Robert Burns, Address on "The Rights of Woman",
58943 While having never invented a sin, I'm trying to perfect several.
58945 While he was in New York on location for _Bronco Billy_ (1980), Clint
58946 Eastwood agreed to a television interview. His host, somewhat hostile,
58947 began by defining a Clint Eastwood picture as a violent, ruthless,
58948 lawless, and bloody piece of mayhem, and then asked Eastwood himself to
58949 define a Clint Eastwood picture. "To me," said Eastwood calmly, "what
58950 a Clint Eastwood picture is, is one that I'm in."
58951 -- Boller and Davis, "Hollywood Anecdotes"
58953 While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping,
58954 As of some one gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door.
58955 -- Edgar Allan Poe, "The Raven"
58957 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
58958 referring to hardware interrupts.]
58960 And now I see with eye serene
58961 The very pulse of the machine.
58962 -- William Wordsworth, "She Was a Phantom of Delight"
58964 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
58965 referring to software interrupts.]
58967 While it may be true that a watched pot never boils, the one you don't
58968 keep an eye on can make an awful mess of your stove.
58969 -- Edward Stevenson
58971 While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own
58974 While money doesn't buy love, it puts you in a great bargaining
58977 While most peoples' opinions change, the conviction of their
58978 correctness never does.
58980 While passing a vacant lot late one night, a jogger was stopped by a man who
58981 held a gun to his head.
58982 "Who are you for," the gunman snarled, "Bush or Dukakis?"
58983 The runner thought for a moment, shifting nervously from foot to foot,
58984 as the muzzle pressed harder into his temple.
58985 "Bush or Dukakis?" the mugger insisted.
58986 Finally, the jogger shrugged his shoulders, closed his eyes and bowed
58987 his head. "Go ahead and shoot."
58989 While there's life, there's hope.
58990 -- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence)
58992 While walking down a crowded
58993 City street the other day,
58994 I heard a little urchin
58995 To a comrade turn and say,
58996 "Say, Chimmey, lemme tell youse,
58997 I'd be happy as a clam
58998 If only I was de feller dat
58999 Me mudder t'inks I am.
59001 "She t'inks I am a wonder, My friends, be yours a life of toil
59002 An' she knows her little lad Or undiluted joy,
59003 Could never mix wit' nuttin' You can learn a wholesome lesson
59004 Dat was ugly, mean or bad. From that small, untutored boy.
59005 Oh, lot o' times I sit and t'ink Don't aim to be an earthly saint
59006 How nice, 'twould be, gee whiz! With eyes fixed on a star:
59007 If a feller was de feller Just try to be the fellow that
59008 Dat his mudder t'inks he is." Your mother thinks you are.
59009 -- Will S. Adkin, "If I Only Was the Fellow"
59011 While we are sleeping, two-thirds of the world is plotting to do us in.
59014 While you don't greatly need the outside world, it's still very
59015 reassuring to know that it's still there.
59017 While you recently had your problems on the run,
59018 they've regrouped and are making another attack.
59020 While your friend holds you affectionately by both your hands you are
59021 safe, for you can watch both of his.
59022 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
59024 While your friend holds you affectionately by both
59025 your hands you are safe, for you can watch both of his.
59027 Whip it, whip it good!
59030 You never know who is right, but you always know who is in
59033 Whistler's mother is off her rocker.
59035 White dwarf seeks red giant for binary relationship.
59038 The obvious answer is always overlooked.
59043 Owen's Commentary on White's Statement:
59044 ...they might want to cut it out...
59046 Byrd's Addition to Owen's Commentary:
59047 ...and they want to avoid a lengthy search.
59051 Who can take the demands of the SDS seriously?
59054 "Who cares if it doesn't do anything? It was made with our new
59055 Triple-Iso-Bifurcated-Krypton-Gate-MOS process ..."
59057 Who dat who say "who dat" when I say "who dat"?
59060 Who does not love wine, women, and song,
59061 Remains a fool his whole life long.
59062 -- Johann Heinrich Voss
59064 Who does not trust enough will not be trusted.
59067 Who goeth a-borrowing goeth a-sorrowing.
59070 Who is D. B. Cooper, and where is he now?
59074 Who is W. O. Baker, and why is he saying those terrible things about me?
59076 Who loves me will also love my dog.
59079 Who loves not wisely but too well
59080 Will look on Helen's face in hell,
59081 But he whose love is thin and wise
59082 Will view John Knox in Paradise.
59085 Who made the world I cannot tell;
59086 'Tis made, and here am I in hell.
59087 My hand, though now my knuckles bleed,
59088 I never soiled with such a deed.
59091 Who messed with my anti-paranoia shot?
59093 Who needs companionship when you
59094 can sit alone in your room and drink?
59096 Who needs friends when you can sit alone in your room and drink?
59098 Who on earth would eat a charred caterpillar!?
59099 No, no, you SINGE 'em! You SINGE 'em and eat 'em!
59101 Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?
59102 -- Harry Warner, Warner Bros. Pictures, c. 1927
59104 Who to himself is law no law doth need,
59105 offends no law, and is a king indeed.
59108 Who took the MMMMMM out of MURINE?
59110 Who was that masked man?
59112 Who will take care of the world after you're gone?
59114 "WHOA!! Ken and Barbie are having TOO MUCH FUN!!
59115 It must be the NEGATIVE IONS!!"
59116 -- Zippy the Pinhead
59118 Whoever dies with the most toys wins.
59120 Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the process he does not
59121 become a monster. And when you look long into an abyss, the abyss also
59123 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
59125 Whoever named it "necking" was a poor judge of anatomy.
59128 Whoever tells a lie cannot be pure in heart -- and only the
59129 pure in heart can make a good soup.
59130 -- Ludwig van Beethoven
59132 Whoever would lie usefully should lie seldom.
59134 "Whom are you?" said he, for he had been to night school.
59137 Whom computers would destroy, they must first drive insane.
59139 Whom computers would destroy, they must first drive mad.
59141 Whom the gods wish to destroy they first call promising.
59143 Whom the mad would destroy, first they make Gods.
59148 Who's scruffy-looking?
59151 Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
59152 Why a man would want *two* wives is a bigamystery.
59154 Why am I so soft in the middle when the rest of my life is so hard?
59157 Why are programmers non-productive?
59158 Because their time is wasted in meetings.
59160 Why are programmers rebellious?
59161 Because the management interferes too much.
59163 Why are the programmers resigning one by one?
59164 Because they are burnt out.
59166 Having worked for poor management, they no longer value their jobs.
59167 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
59169 "Why are we importing all these highbrow plays like `Amadeus'? I could
59170 have told you Mozart was a jerk for nothing."
59173 Why are you so hard to ignore?
59175 Why are you watching
59176 The washing machine?
59177 I love entertainment
59178 So long as it's clean.
59180 Professor Doberman:
59181 While the preceding poem is unarguably a change from the guarded
59182 pessimism of "The Hound of Heaven," it cannot be regarded as an unqualified
59183 improvement. Obscurity is of value only when it tends to clarify the poetic
59184 experience. As much as one is compelled to admire the poem's technique, one
59185 must question whether its byplay of complex literary allusions does not in
59186 fact distract from the unity of the whole. In the final analysis, one
59187 receives the distinct impression that the poem's length could safely have
59188 been reduced by a factor of eight or ten without sacrificing any of its
59189 meaning. It is to be hoped that further publication of this poem can be
59190 suspended pending a thorough investigation of its potential subversive
59193 Why attack God? He may be as miserable as we are.
59196 "Why be a man when you can be a success?"
59199 Why be difficult when, with a bit of effort, you could be impossible?
59201 Why be difficult, when, with just a little effort, you can be impossible?
59203 Why be difficult, when, with just a
59204 little more effort, you can be impossible?
59206 Why bother building any more nuclear warheads until we use the ones we
59209 Why can't you be a non-conformist like everyone else?
59211 Why did the Lord give us so much quickness of movement unless it was to
59212 avoid responsibility with?
59214 Why did the Roman Empire collapse? What is the Latin for office
59217 Why do mathematicians insist on using words that already have another
59218 meaning? "It is the complex case that is easier to deal with." "If it
59219 doesn't happen at a corner, but at an edge, it nonetheless happens at a
59222 Why do seagulls live near the sea?
59223 'Cause if they lived near the bay, they'd be called baygulls.
59225 Why do so many foods come packaged in plastic?
59226 It's quite uncanny.
59228 Why do they call a fast a fast, when it goes so slow?
59230 Why do they call it baby-SITTING when all you do is run after them?
59232 Why do we have two eyes? To watch 3-D movies with.
59234 Why do we want intelligent terminals
59235 when there are so many stupid users?
59237 Why does a hearse horse snicker, hauling a lawyer away?
59240 Why does a ship carry cargo and a truck carry shipments?
59242 Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently
59243 there must be a beverage.
59244 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
59246 Why does New Jersey have more toxic waste dumps and California have
59249 New Jersey had first choice.
59251 Why doesn't everybody leave everybody else the hell alone?
59254 Why don't elephants eat penguins ?
59256 Because they can't get the wrappers off ...
59258 Why don't somebody print the truth about our present economic condition?
59259 We spent years of wild buying on credit, everything under the sun, whether
59260 we needed it or not, and now we are having to pay for it, howling like a
59261 pet coon. This would be a great world to dance in if we didn't have to
59263 -- The Best of Will Rogers
59265 Why don't you fix your little problem... and light this candle?
59266 -- Alan Shepard, the first American into space, Gemini program
59268 Why, every one as they like; as the good woman said when she
59272 Why I Can't Go Out With You:
59274 I'd LOVE to, but...
59275 -- I have to answer all of my "occupant" letters.
59276 -- None of my socks match.
59277 -- I'm having all my plants neutered.
59278 -- I changed the lock on my door and now I can't get out.
59279 -- My yucca plant is feeling yucky.
59280 -- I'm touring China with a wok band.
59281 -- My chocolate-appreciation class meets that night.
59282 -- I'm running off to Yugoslavia with a foreign-exchange student
59283 named Basil Metabolism.
59284 -- There are important world issues that need worrying about.
59285 -- I'm going to count the bristles in my toothbrush.
59286 -- I prefer to remain an enigma.
59287 -- I think you want the OTHER Peggy/Cathy/Mike/whomever.
59288 -- I feel a song coming on.
59290 Why I Can't Go Out With You:
59292 I'd LOVE to, but...
59293 -- I have to draw "Cubby" for an art scholarship.
59294 -- I have to sit up with a sick ant.
59295 -- I'm trying to be less popular.
59296 -- My bathroom tiles need grouting.
59297 -- I'm waiting to see if I'm already a winner.
59298 -- My subconscious says no.
59299 -- I just picked up a book called "Glue in Many Lands" and I
59300 can't seem to put it down.
59301 -- My favorite commercial is on TV.
59302 -- I have to study for my blood test.
59303 -- I've been traded to Cincinnati.
59304 -- I'm having my baby shoes bronzed.
59305 -- I have to go to court for kitty littering.
59307 Why I Can't Go Out With You:
59309 I'd LOVE to, but...
59310 -- I'm trying to see how long I can go without saying yes.
59311 -- I'm attending the opening of my garage door.
59312 -- The monsters haven't turned blue yet, and I have to eat more dots.
59313 -- I'm converting my calendar watch from Julian to Gregorian.
59314 -- I have to fulfill my potential.
59315 -- I don't want to leave my comfort zone.
59316 -- It's too close to the turn of the century.
59317 -- I have to bleach my hare.
59318 -- I'm worried about my vertical hold knob.
59319 -- I left my body in my other clothes.
59321 Why I Can't Go Out With You:
59323 I'd LOVE to, but...
59324 -- I've got a Friends of the Lowly Rutabaga meeting.
59325 -- I promised to help a friend fold road maps.
59326 -- I've been scheduled for a karma transplant.
59327 -- I'm staying home to work on my cottage cheese sculpture.
59328 -- It's my parakeet's bowling night.
59329 -- I'm building a plant from a kit.
59330 -- There's a disturbance in the Force.
59331 -- I'm doing door-to-door collecting for static cling.
59332 -- I'm teaching my ferret to yodel.
59333 -- My crayons all melted together.
59335 Why I Can't Go Out With You:
59337 I'd LOVE to, but ...
59338 -- I have to floss my cat.
59339 -- I've dedicated my life to linguini.
59340 -- I need to spend more time with my blender.
59341 -- it wouldn't be fair to the other Beautiful People.
59342 -- it's my night to pet the dog/ferret/goldfish.
59343 -- I'm going downtown to try on some gloves.
59344 -- I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products.
59345 -- I'm going down to the bakery to watch the buns rise.
59346 -- I have an appointment with a cuticle specialist.
59347 -- I have some really hard words to look up.
59348 -- I've got a Friends of the Lowly Rutabaga meeting.
59349 -- I promised to help a friend fold road maps.
59351 Why I Can't Go Out With You:
59353 I'd LOVE to, but ...
59354 -- I have to floss my cat.
59355 -- I've dedicated my life to linguini.
59356 -- I need to spend more time with my blender.
59357 -- it wouldn't be fair to the other Beautiful People.
59358 -- it's my night to pet the dog/ferret/goldfish/radio.
59359 -- I'm going downtown to try on some gloves.
59360 -- I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products.
59361 -- I'm due at the bakery to watch the buns rise.
59362 -- I have an appointment with a cuticle specialist.
59363 -- I have some really hard words to look up.
59365 Why is it called a funny bone when it hurts so much?
59367 Why is it taking so long for her to bring out all the good in you?
59369 "Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral? It is
59370 because we are not the person involved"
59373 Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
59376 "Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?"
59379 Why isn't there some cheap and easy
59380 way to prove how much she means to me?
59382 "Why must you tell me all your secrets when it's hard enough to love
59383 you knowing nothing?"
59384 -- Lloyd Cole and the Commotions
59386 Why my thoughts are my own, when they are in, but when they are out they
59388 -- Susanna Martin, executed for witchcraft, 1681
59390 Why not? -- What? -- Why not? -- Why should I not send it? -- Why should I
59391 not dispatch it? -- Why not? -- Strange! I don't know why I shouldn't --
59392 Well, then -- You will do me this favor. -- Why not? -- Why should you not
59393 do it? -- Why not? -- Strange! I shall do the same for you, when you want
59394 me to. Why not? Why should I not do it for you? Strange! Why not? --
59395 I can't think why not.
59396 -- Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, from a letter to his cousin Maria,
59397 "The Definitive Biography of PDQ Bach", Peter Schickele
59399 Why not go out on a limb?
59400 Isn't that where the fruit is?
59402 Why not have an old-fashioned Christmas for your family this year?
59403 Just picture the scene in your living room on Christmas morning as your
59404 children open their old-fashioned presents.
59406 Your 11-year-old son: "What the heck is this?"
59408 You: "A spinning top! You spin it around, and then eventually it
59409 falls down. What fun! Ha, ha!"
59411 Son: "Is this a joke? Jason Thompson's parents got him a computer
59412 with two disk drives and 128 kilobytes of random-access memory,
59413 and I get this cretin TOP?"
59415 Your 8-year-old daughter: "You think that's bad? Look at this."
59417 You: "It's figgy pudding! What a treat!"
59419 Daughter: "It looks like goat barf."
59420 -- Dave Barry, "Simple, Homespun Gifts"
59422 Why on earth do people buy old bottles of wine when they can get a
59423 fresh one for a quarter of the price?
59425 "Why was I born with such contemporaries?"
59428 Why, when no honest man will deny in private that every ultimate problem is
59429 wrapped in the profoundest mystery, do honest men proclaim in pulpits that
59430 unhesitating certainty is the duty of the most foolish and ignorant? Is it
59431 not a spectacle to make the angels laugh? We are a company of ignorant
59432 beings, feeling our way through mists and darkness, learning only be
59433 incessantly repeated blunders, obtaining a glimmering of truth by falling
59434 into every conceivable error, dimly discerning light enough for our daily
59435 needs, but hopelessly differing whenever we attempt to describe the ultimate
59436 origin or end of our paths; and yet, when one of us ventures to declare that
59437 we don't know the map of the universe as well as the map of our infinitesimal
59438 parish, he is hooted, reviled, and perhaps told that he will be damned to all
59439 eternity for his faithlessness.
59440 -- Leslie Stephen, "An Agnostic's Apology",
59441 Fortnightly Review, 1876
59443 Why won't you let me kiss you goodnight? Is it something I said?
59446 Why would anyone want to be called "Later"?
59448 Why You Can't Run When There's Trouble in the Office:
59449 No matter where you stand, no matter how far or fast you flee,
59450 when it hits the fan, as much as possible will be propelled in your
59451 direction, and almost none will be returned to the source.
59454 Why you say you no bunny rabbit when you have little powder-puff tail?
59455 -- The Tasmanian Devil
59458 Government expands to absorb all available revenue and then some.
59461 A pat on the back is only a few
59462 centimeters from a kick in the pants.
59464 Will Rogers never met you.
59466 Will you loan me $20.00 and only give me ten of it?
59467 That way, you will owe me ten, and I'll owe you ten, and we'll be even!
59469 Will your long-winded speeches never end?
59470 What ails you that you keep on arguing?
59473 Williams and Holland's Law:
59474 If enough data is collected, anything may be proven by
59475 statistical methods.
59477 Willie in the cauldron fell; Willie saw some dynamite,
59478 See the grief on mother's brow; Couldn't understand it quite;
59479 Mother loved her darling well -- Curiosity never pays:
59480 Willie's quite hard-boiled by now. It rained Willie seven days.
59482 Little Willie with a shout, William in a nice new sash,
59483 Gouged the baby's eyeballs out; Fell in the fire and burned to an ash.
59484 Stamped on them to make them pop. Now, although the room grows chilly,
59485 Mother cried, "Now, William, stop!" I haven't the heart to poke poor Billy.
59487 William with a thirst for gore, Little Willie mean as hell,
59488 Nailed the baby to the door. Threw his sister in the well!
59489 Mother said, with humor quaint: Said his mother when drawing water,
59490 "Careful, Will, don't mar the paint." "sure is hard to raise a daughter."
59491 -- Harry Graham, "Ruthless Rhymes for Heartless Homes", 1899
59493 Wilner's Observation:
59494 All conversations with a potato should be conducted in private.
59496 Winning isn't everything. It's the only thing.
59499 Winning isn't everything, but losing isn't anything.
59501 Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity...
59502 If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your
59503 head... if you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick...
59506 Winter is nature's way of saying, "Up yours."
59509 Winter is the season in which people try to keep the house as warm as
59510 it was in the summer, when they complained about the heat.
59512 [Wisdom] is a tree of life to those laying
59513 hold of her, making happy each one holding her fast.
59514 -- Proverbs 3:18, NSV
59516 Wisdom is knowing what to do with what you know.
59519 Wisdom is rarely found on the best-seller list.
59521 Wishing without work is like fishing without bait.
59525 The salt with which the American Humorist spoils his cookery...
59529 The salt with which the American Humorist spoils his cookery
59530 ... by leaving it out.
59531 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
59533 With a gentleman I try to be a gentleman and a half, and with a fraud I
59534 try to be a fraud and a half.
59535 -- Otto von Bismarck
59537 With a rubber duck, one's never alone.
59538 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
59540 With all the fancy scientists in the world, why can't they just once
59541 build a nuclear balm?
59543 With all the fancy scientists in the world,
59544 why can't they just once build a nuclear balm.
59546 With all the talent around, it's sort of
59547 amazing that a woman could be up here with us.
59548 -- Ralph Kiner, on introducing an award winner
59550 With clothes the new are best, with friends the old are best.
59552 With Congress, every time they make a joke it's a law; and every time
59553 they make a law it's a joke.
59556 With every passing hour our solar system comes forty-three thousand
59557 miles closer to globular cluster M13 in the constellation Hercules, and
59558 still there are some misfits who continue to insist that there is no
59559 such thing as progress.
59562 With her body, woman is more sincere than man; but with her mind
59563 she lies. And when she lies, she does not believe herself.
59566 With listening comes wisdom, with speaking repentance.
59568 With reasonable men I will reason;
59569 with humane men I will plead;
59570 but to tyrants I will give no quarter.
59571 -- William Lloyd Garrison
59573 With the end of the football season, a star player for the college team
59574 celebrated the relaxation of team curfew by attending a late-night campus
59575 party. Soon after arriving, he became captivated by a beautiful coed and
59576 eased into a conversation with her by asking if she met many dates at
59578 "Oh, I have a three point eight, so I'm much more attracted to the
59579 strong academic types than to the dumb party animals," she said. "What's
59581 Grinning ear to ear, the jock boasted, "I get about twenty-five in
59582 the city and forty on the highway."
59584 With the end of the football season, a star player on the college team was
59585 celebrating the relaxation of his curfew by attending a late-night campus
59586 party. Soon after arriving, he was captivated by a beautiful coed and
59587 eased into a conversation with her by asking if she met many dates at
59589 "Oh, I have a three point eight, so I'm much more attracted to the
59590 strong academic types than to the dumb party animals," she said. "What's
59592 Grinning from ear to ear, the jock boasted, "I get at least
59593 twenty-five in the city and forty on the highway!"
59595 With women, I've got a long bamboo pole with a leather loop on the end of
59596 it. I slip the loop around their necks so they can't get away or come too
59597 close. Like catching snakes.
59600 Within a computer, natural language is unnatural.
59602 Within a month [in 1969] I had met the first of a small but not uninfluential
59603 community of people who violently opposed SALT for a simple reason: It might
59604 keep America from developing a first-strike capability against the Soviet
59605 Union. I'll never forget being lectured by an Air Force colonel about how
59606 we should have "nuked" the Soviets in late 1940s before they got The Bomb.
59607 I was told that if SALT would go away, we'd soon have the capability to nuke
59608 them again -- and this time we'd use it.
59609 -- Roger Molander, former nuclear strategist for the
59610 White House's National Security Council, Washington
59611 Post, 21 March, 1982
59613 Without adventure, civilization is in full decay.
59614 -- Alfred North Whitehead
59616 Without coffee he could not work, or at least he could not have worked in the
59617 way he did. In addition to paper and pens, he took with him everywhere as an
59618 indispensable article of equipment the coffee machine, which was no less
59619 important to him than his table or his white robe.
59620 -- Stefan Zweigs, Biography of Balzac
59622 Without fools there would be no wisdom.
59624 Without ice cream life and fame are meaningless.
59626 Without life, Biology itself would be impossible.
59628 Without love intelligence is dangerous;
59629 without intelligence love is not enough.
59632 With/Without - and who'll deny it's what the fighting's all about?
59635 Woke up this mornin' an' I had myself a beer,
59636 Yeah, Ah woke up this mornin' an' I had myself a beer
59637 The future's uncertain and the end is always near.
59638 -- Jim Morrison, "Roadhouse Blues"
59640 Woke up this morning, don't believe what I saw. Hundred billion
59641 bottles washed up on the shore. Seems I never noted being alone.
59642 Hundred billion castaways looking for a call.
59645 A man who knows all the ankles.
59648 An animal usually living in the vicinity of Man, and
59649 having a rudimentary susceptibility to domestication.
59652 Woman: "Is Yoo-Hoo hyphenated?"
59653 Yogi Berra: "No, ma'am, its not even carbonated."
59655 Woman are like elephants to me: I like to look at them, but I wouldn't
59659 Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
59662 Woman is generally so bad that the difference
59663 between a good and a bad woman scarcely exists.
59666 Woman on Street: Sir, you are drunk; very, very drunk.
59667 Winston Churchill: Madame, you are ugly; very, very ugly.
59668 I shall be sober in the morning.
59670 Woman was God's second mistake.
59671 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
59673 Woman was taken out of man -- not out of his head, to rule over him; nor
59674 out of his feet, to be trampled under by him; but out of his side, to be
59675 equal to him -- under his arm, that he might protect her, and near his heart
59676 that he might love her.
59679 Woman would be more charming if one could
59680 fall into her arms without falling into her hands.
59683 Woman's advice has little value, but he who won't take it is a fool.
59686 Wombat's Laws of Computer Selection:
59687 (1) If it doesn't run Unix, forget it.
59688 (2) Any computer design over 10 years old is obsolete.
59689 (3) Anything made by IBM is junk. (See number 2)
59690 (4) The minimum acceptable CPU power for a single user is a
59691 VAX/780 with a floating point accelerator.
59692 (5) Any computer with a mouse is worthless.
59695 Women are a problem, but if you haven't already guessed,
59696 they're the kind of problem I enjoy wrestling with.
59699 Women are all alike. When they're maids they're mild as milk:
59700 once make 'em wives, and they lean their backs against their
59701 marriage certificates, and defy you.
59704 Women are always anxious to urge bachelors to matrimony; is it
59705 from charity, or revenge?
59706 -- Gustave Vapereau
59708 Women are just like men, only different.
59710 Women are like elephants to me: I like to
59711 look at them, but I wouldn't want to own one.
59714 Women are not much, but they are the best other sex we have.
59717 Women are nothing but machines for producing children.
59720 Women are wiser than men because they know less and understand more.
59723 Women aren't as mere as they used to be.
59726 Women can keep a secret just as well as men,
59727 but it takes more of them to do it.
59729 Women complain about sex more than men. Their gripes fall into two
59730 categories: (1) Not enough and (2) Too much.
59733 Women, deceived by men, want to marry them; it is a kind of revenge
59734 as good as any other.
59735 -- Philippe De Remi
59737 Women give themselves to God when the
59738 Devil wants nothing more to do with them.
59741 Women give to men the very gold of their lives. Possibly;
59742 but they invariably want it back in such very small change.
59745 Women in love consist of a little sighing, a little
59746 crying, a little dying -- and a good deal of lying.
59749 Women of genius commonly have masculine faces, figures and manners.
59750 In transplanting brains to an alien soil God leaves a little of the
59751 original earth clinging to the roots.
59754 Women reason with the heart and are much less often wrong
59755 than men who reason with the head.
59758 Women sometimes forgive a man who forces the opportunity,
59759 but never a man who misses one.
59760 -- Charles De Talleyrand-Perigord
59762 Women treat us just as humanity treats its gods. They worship
59763 us and are always bothering us to do something for them.
59766 Women want their men to be cops. They want you to punish them and tell
59767 them what the limits are. The only thing that women hate worse from a man
59768 than being slapped is when you get on your knees and say you're sorry.
59771 Women waste men's lives and think they have
59772 indemnified them by a few gracious words.
59773 -- Honore de Balzac
59775 Women, when they are not in love, have all
59776 the cold blood of an experienced attorney.
59777 -- Honore de Balzac
59779 Women, when they have made a sheep of a man,
59780 always tell him that he is a lion with a will of iron.
59781 -- Honore de Balzac
59783 Women who desire to be like men, lack ambition.
59785 Women who want to be equal to men lack imagination.
59787 Women wish to be loved without a why or a wherefore;
59788 not because they are pretty, or good, or well-bred, or
59789 graceful, or intelligent, but because they are themselves.
59792 Women's virtue is man's greatest invention.
59793 -- Cornelia Otis Skinner
59795 Wonder is the feeling of a philosopher,
59796 and philosophy begins in wonder.
59797 Socrates, quoting Plato
59800 Your hangover just makes it seem terrible.
59802 Wood is highly ecological, since trees are a renewable resource. If
59803 you cut down a tree, another will grow in its place. And if you cut
59804 down the new tree, still another will grow. And if you cut down that
59805 tree, yet another will grow, only this one will be a mutation with
59806 long, poisonous tentacles and revenge in its heart, and it will sit
59807 there in the forest, cackling and making elaborate plans for when you
59810 Wood heat is not new. It dates back to a day millions of years ago,
59811 when a group of cavemen were sitting around, watching dinosaurs rot.
59812 Suddenly, lightning struck a nearby log and set it on fire. One of the
59813 cavemen stared at the fire for a few minutes, then said: "Hey! Wood
59814 heat!" The other cavemen, who did not understand English, immediately
59815 beat him to death with stones. But the key discovery had been made,
59816 and from that day forward, the cavemen had all the heat they needed,
59817 although their insurance rates went way up.
59818 -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler"
59821 A theory is better than its explanation.
59823 Woody: What's the story, Mr. Peterson?
59824 Norm: The Bobbsey twins go to the brewery.
59825 Let's just cut to the happy ending.
59826 -- Cheers, Airport V
59828 Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, there's a cold one waiting for you.
59829 Norm: I know, and if she calls, I'm not here.
59830 -- Cheers, Bar Wars II: The Woodman Strikes Back
59833 Norm: Have I gotten that predictable? Good.
59834 -- Cheers, Don't Paint Your Chickens
59836 Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, Jack Frost nipping at your nose?
59837 Norm: Yep, now let's get Joe Beer nipping at my liver, huh?
59838 -- Cheers, Feeble Attraction
59840 Sam: What are you up to Norm?
59841 Norm: My ideal weight if I were eleven feet tall.
59842 -- Cheers, Bar Wars III: The Return of Tecumseh
59844 Woody: Nice cold beer coming up, Mr. Peterson.
59845 Norm: You mean, `Nice cold beer going *down* Mr. Peterson.'
59846 -- Cheers, Loverboyd
59848 Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, what do you say to a cold one?
59849 Norm: See you later, Vera, I'll be at Cheers.
59850 -- Cheers, Norm's Last Hurrah
59852 Sam: Well, look at you. You look like the cat that
59853 swallowed the canary.
59854 Norm: And I need a beer to wash him down.
59855 -- Cheers, Norm's Last Hurrah
59857 Woody: Would you like a beer, Mr. Peterson?
59858 Norm: No, I'd like a dead cat in a glass.
59859 -- Cheers, Little Carla, Happy at Last, Part 2
59861 Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, what's up?
59862 Norm: The warranty on my liver.
59863 -- Cheers, Breaking In Is Hard to Do
59865 Sam: What can I do for you, Norm?
59866 Norm: Open up those beer taps and, oh, take the day off, Sam.
59867 -- Cheers, Veggie-Boyd
59869 Woody: What's going on, Mr. Peterson?
59870 Norm: Another layer for the winter, Wood.
59871 -- Cheers, It's a Wonderful Wife
59873 Woody: How are you feeling today, Mr. Peterson?
59875 Woody: Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
59876 Norm: No, I meant `pour'.
59877 -- Cheers, Strange Bedfellows, Part 3
59879 Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, what's the story?
59880 Norm: Boy meets beer. Boy drinks beer. Boy gets another beer.
59881 -- Cheers, The Proposal
59883 Paul: Hey Norm, how's the world been treating you?
59884 Norm: Like a baby treats a diaper.
59885 -- Cheers, Tan 'n Wash
59887 Woody: What's going on, Mr. Peterson?
59888 Norm: Let's talk about what's going *in* Mr. Peterson. A beer, Woody.
59889 -- Cheers, Paint Your Office
59891 Sam: How's life treating you?
59892 Norm: It's not, Sammy, but that doesn't mean you can't.
59893 -- Cheers, A Kiss is Still a Kiss
59895 Woody: Can I pour you a draft, Mr. Peterson?
59896 Norm: A little early, isn't it Woody?
59898 Norm: No, for stupid questions.
59899 -- Cheers, Let Sleeping Drakes Lie
59901 Woody: What's happening, Mr. Peterson?
59902 Norm: The question is, Woody, why is it happening to me?
59903 -- Cheers, Strange Bedfellows, Part 1
59905 Woody: What's going down, Mr. Peterson?
59906 Norm: My cheeks on this barstool.
59907 -- Cheers, Strange Bedfellows, Part 2
59909 Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, can I pour you a beer?
59910 Norm: Well, okay, Woody, but be sure to stop me at one. ...
59911 Eh, make that one-thirty.
59912 -- Cheers, Strange Bedfellows, Part 2
59914 Woolsey-Swanson Rule:
59915 People would rather live with a problem they cannot
59916 solve rather than accept a solution they cannot understand.
59918 Words are the voice of the heart.
59920 Words can never express what words can never express.
59922 Words have a longer life than deeds.
59925 Words must be weighed, not counted.
59928 The blessed respite from screaming kids and
59929 soap operas for which you actually get paid.
59931 Work consists of whatever a body is obliged to do.
59932 Play consists of whatever a body is not obliged to do.
59935 Work continues in this area.
59936 -- DEC's SPR-Answering-Automaton
59938 Work expands to fill the time available.
59939 -- Cyril Northcote Parkinson, "The Economist", 1955
59941 Work is of two kinds: first, altering the position of matter at or near
59942 the earth's surface relative to other matter; second, telling other people
59944 -- Bertrand Russell
59946 Work is the crab grass in the lawn of life.
59949 Work is the curse of the drinking classes.
59952 Work like hell, tell everyone everything you know, close a deal with
59953 a handshake, and have fun.
59954 -- Harold "Doc" Edgerton, summing up his life's philosophy,
59955 shortly before dying at the age of 86.
59957 Work Rule: Leave of Absence (for an Operation):
59958 We are no longer allowing this practice. We wish to discourage
59959 any thoughts that you may not need all of whatever you have, and you
59960 should not consider having anything removed. We hired you as you are,
59961 and to have anything removed would certainly make you less than we
59964 Work smarter, not harder, and be careful of your speling.
59966 Work without a vision is slavery,
59967 Vision without work is a pipe dream,
59968 But vision with work is the hope of the world.
59970 Workers of the world, arise! You have nothing to lose but your chairs.
59972 Working with Julie Andrews is like getting hit over the head with
59974 -- Christopher Plummer
59976 World tensions have, if anything, increased in the quarter century
59977 since H. G. Wells uttered his glum warning: "There is no more evil
59978 thing on earth than race prejudice, none at all. I write deliberately
59979 -- it is the worst single thing in life now. It justifies and holds
59980 together more baseness, cruelty and abomination than any other sort of
59981 error in the world."
59984 World War Three can be averted by adherence to a strictly enforced
59987 Worrying is like rocking in a rocking chair--
59988 It gives you something to do, but it doesn't get you anywhere.
59990 Worst Month of 1981 for Downhill Skiing:
59991 August. The lift lines are the shortest, though.
59992 -- Steve Rubenstein
59994 Worst Month of the Year:
59995 February. February has only 28 days in it, which means that if
59996 you rent an apartment, you are paying for three full days you don't
59997 get. Try to avoid Februarys whenever possible.
59998 -- Steve Rubenstein
60000 Worst Response To A Crisis, 1985:
60001 From a readers' Q and A column in TV GUIDE: "If we get involved
60002 in a nuclear war, would the electromagnetic pulses from exploding bombs
60003 damage my videotapes?"
60005 Worst Vegetable of the Year:
60006 The brussels sprout. This is also the worst vegetable of next
60008 -- Steve Rubenstein
60011 Yes, but not worth going to see.
60014 -- Sir George Bidell Airy, KCB, MA, LLD, DCL, FRS, FRAS
60015 (Astronomer Royal of Great Britain), estimating for the
60016 Chancellor of the Exchequer the potential value of the
60017 "analytical engine" invented by Charles Babbage, September
60025 Would it help if I got out and pushed?
60026 -- Princess Leia Organa
60028 Would that my hand were as swift as my tongue.
60031 Would the last person to leave Michigan please turn out the lights?
60033 Would ye both eat your cake and have your cake?
60036 Would you care to drift aimlessly in my direction?
60038 Would you care to view the ruins of my good intentions?
60040 Would you like to be tried in court by people
60041 who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty?
60043 Would you people stop playing these stupid games?!?!?!!!!
60045 Would you *really* want to get on a non-stop flight?
60048 "Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?"
60050 "That depends a good deal on where you want to get to," said the Cat.
60053 Wouldn't the sentence "I want to put a hyphen between the words Fish
60054 and And and And and Chips in my Fish-And-Chips sign" have been clearer
60055 if quotation marks had been placed before Fish, and between Fish and
60056 and, and and and And, and And and and, and and and And, and And and
60057 and, and and and Chips, as well as after Chips?
60059 Wouldn't this be a great world if being insecure and desperate were
60061 -- "Broadcast News"
60063 Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been.
60066 Write a wise saying and your name will live forever.
60069 Write yourself a threatening letter and pen a defiant reply.
60071 Write-Protect Tab, n.:
60072 A small sticker created to cover the unsightly notch carelessly
60073 left by disk manufacturers. The use of the tab creates an error
60074 message once in a while, but its aesthetic value far outweighs the
60075 momentary inconvenience.
60078 Writers who use a computer swear to its liberating power in tones that bear
60079 witness to the apocalyptic power of a new divinity. Their conviction results
60080 from something deeper than mere gratitude for the computer's conveniences.
60081 Every new medium of writing brings about new intensities of religious belief
60082 and new schisms among believers. In the 16th century the printed book helped
60083 make possible the split between Catholics and Protestants. In the 20th
60084 century this history of tragedy and triumph is repeating itself as a farce.
60085 Those who worship the Apple computer and those who put their faith in the IBM
60086 PC are equally convinced that the other camp is damned or deluded. Each cult
60087 holds in contempt the rituals and the laws of the other. Each thinks that it
60088 is itself the one hope for salvation.
60089 -- Edward Mendelson, "The New Republic", February 22, 1988
60091 Writing about music is like dancing about architecture.
60094 Writing free verse is like playing tennis with the net down.
60096 Writing is easy; all you do is sit staring at the blank sheet of
60097 paper until drops of blood form on your forehead.
60100 Writing is turning one's worst moments into money.
60103 Writing software is more fun than working.
60107 "Wrong," said Renner.
60109 "The tactful way," Rod said quietly, "the polite way to disagree with
60110 the Senator would be to say, `That turns out not to be the case.'"
60113 What You See Is What You Get.
60116 Accept any substitute.
60117 If it's broke, don't fix it.
60118 If it ain't broke, fix it.
60119 Form follows malfunction.
60120 The Cutting Edge of Obsolescence.
60121 The trailing edge of software technology.
60122 Armageddon never looked so good.
60123 Japan's secret weapon.
60124 You'll envy the dead.
60125 Making the world safe for competing window systems.
60126 Let it get in YOUR way.
60127 The problem for your problem.
60128 If it starts working, we'll fix it. Pronto.
60129 It could be worse, but it'll take time.
60130 Simplicity made complex.
60131 The greatest productivity aid since typhoid.
60132 Flakey and built to stay that way.
60134 One thousand monkeys. One thousand MicroVAXes. One thousand years.
60138 It's not how slow you make it. It's how you make it slow.
60139 The windowing system preferred by masochists 3 to 1.
60140 Built to take on the world... and lose!
60141 Don't try it 'til you've knocked it.
60142 Power tools for Power Fools.
60143 Putting new limits on productivity.
60144 The closer you look, the cruftier we look.
60145 Design by counterexample.
60146 A new level of software disintegration.
60147 No hardware is safe.
60149 Rationalization, not realization.
60150 Old-world software cruftsmanship at its finest.
60151 Gratuitous incompatibility.
60153 THE user interference management system.
60154 You can't argue with failure.
60155 You haven't died 'til you've used it.
60157 The environment of today... tomorrow!
60161 Something you can be ashamed of.
60162 30%% more entropy than the leading window system.
60163 The first fully modular software disaster.
60164 Rome was destroyed in a day.
60165 Warn your friends about it.
60166 Climbing to new depths. Sinking to new heights.
60167 An accident that couldn't wait to happen.
60168 Don't wait for the movie.
60169 Never use it after a big meal.
60171 Plumbing the depths of human incompetence.
60172 It'll make your day.
60173 Don't get frustrated without it.
60174 Power tools for power losers.
60175 A software disaster of Biblical proportions.
60176 Never had it. Never will.
60177 The software with no visible means of support.
60178 More than just a generation behind.
60180 Hindenburg. Titanic. Edsel.
60184 The ultimate bottleneck.
60185 Flawed beyond belief.
60186 The only thing you have to fear.
60187 Somewhere between chaos and insanity.
60188 On autopilot to oblivion.
60189 The joke that kills.
60190 A disgrace you can be proud of.
60191 A mistake carried out to perfection.
60192 Belongs more to the problem set than the solution set.
60193 To err is X windows.
60194 Ignorance is our most important resource.
60195 Complex nonsolutions to simple nonproblems.
60196 Built to fall apart.
60197 Nullifying centuries of progress.
60198 Falling to new depths of inefficiency.
60199 The last thing you need.
60200 The defacto substandard.
60202 Elevating brain damage to an art form.
60206 We will dump no core before its time.
60207 One good crash deserves another.
60208 A bad idea whose time has come. And gone.
60210 It didn't even look good on paper.
60211 You laugh now, but you'll be laughing harder later!
60212 A new concept in abuser interfaces.
60213 How can something get so bad, so quickly?
60214 It could happen to you.
60215 The art of incompetence.
60216 You have nothing to lose but your lunch.
60217 When uselessness just isn't enough.
60218 More than a mere hindrance. It's a whole new barrier!
60219 When you can't afford to be right.
60220 And you thought we couldn't make it worse.
60222 If it works, it isn't X windows.
60225 You'd better sit down.
60226 Don't laugh. It could be YOUR thesis project.
60227 Why do it right when you can do it wrong?
60228 Live the nightmare.
60229 Our bugs run faster.
60230 When it absolutely, positively HAS to crash overnight.
60231 There ARE no rules.
60232 You'll wish we were kidding.
60233 Everything you never wanted in a window system. And more.
60234 Dissatisfaction guaranteed.
60235 There's got to be a better way.
60236 The next best thing to keypunching.
60237 Leave the thrashing to us.
60238 We wrote the book on core dumps.
60239 Even your dog won't like it.
60240 More than enough rope.
60241 Garbage at your fingertips.
60243 Incompatibility. Shoddiness. Uselessness.
60246 Xerox does it again and again and again and ...
60248 Xerox never comes up with anything original.
60251 If the Earth could be made to rotate twice as fast, managers would
60252 get twice as much done. If the Earth could be made to rotate twenty
60253 times as fast, everyone else would get twice as much done since all
60254 the managers would fly off.
60256 It costs a lot to build bad products.
60258 There are many highly successful businesses in the United States.
60259 There are also many highly paid executives. The policy is not to
60260 intermingle the two.
60262 After the year 2015, there will be no airplane crashes. There will
60263 be no takeoffs either, because electronics will occupy 100 percent
60264 of every airplane's weight.
60266 The last 10 percent of performance generates one-third of the cost
60267 and two-thirds of the problems.
60268 -- Norman Augustine
60271 The practice of trying to determine the year a movie was made
60272 by deciphering the Roman numerals at the end of the credits.
60273 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
60276 The more one produces, the less one gets.
60278 Simple systems are not feasible because they require infinite testing.
60280 Hardware works best when it matters the least.
60282 Aircraft flight in the 21st century will always be in a westerly
60283 direction, preferably supersonic, crossing time zones to provide the
60284 additional hours needed to fix the broken electronics.
60286 One should expect that the expected can be prevented, but the
60287 unexpected should have been expected.
60289 A billion saved is a billion earned.
60290 -- Norman Augustine
60293 Two-thirds of the Earth's surface is covered with water. The other
60294 third is covered with auditors from headquarters.
60296 The more time you spend talking about what you have been doing, the
60297 less time you have to spend doing what you have been talking about.
60298 Eventually, you spend more and more time talking about less and less
60299 until finally you spend all your time talking about nothing.
60301 Regulations grow at the same rate as weeds.
60303 The average regulation has a life span one-fifth as long as a
60304 chimpanzee's and one-tenth as long as a human's -- but four times
60305 as long as the official's who created it.
60307 By the time of the United States Tricentennial, there will be more
60308 government workers than there are workers.
60310 People working in the private sector should try to save money.
60311 There remains the possibility that it may someday be valuable again.
60312 -- Norman Augustine
60314 X-rated movies are all alike ... the only thing they leave to the
60315 imagination is the plot.
60318 In the year 2054, the entire defense budget will purchase just one
60319 aircraft. This aircraft will have to be shared by the Air Force and
60320 Navy 3-1/2 days each per week except for leap year, when it will be
60321 made available to the Marines for the extra day.
60323 Software is like entropy. It is difficult to grasp, weighs nothing,
60324 and obeys the Second Law of Thermodynamics, i.e., it always increases.
60326 It is very expensive to achieve high unreliability. It is not uncommon
60327 to increase the cost of an item by a factor of ten for each factor of
60328 ten degradation accomplished.
60330 Although most products will soon be too costly to purchase, there will
60331 be a thriving market in the sale of books on how to fix them.
60333 In any given year, Congress will appropriate the amount of funding
60334 approved the prior year plus three-fourths of whatever change the
60335 administration requests -- minus 4-percent tax.
60336 -- Norman Augustine
60339 It's easy to get a loan unless you need it.
60341 If stock market experts were so expert, they would be buying stock,
60342 not selling advice.
60344 Any task can be completed in only one-third more time than is
60345 currently estimated.
60347 The only thing more costly than stretching the schedule of an
60348 established project is accelerating it, which is itself the most
60349 costly action known to man.
60351 A revised schedule is to business what a new season is to an athlete
60352 or a new canvas to an artist.
60353 -- Norman Augustine
60356 If a sufficient number of management layers are superimposed on each
60357 other, it can be assured that disaster is not left to chance.
60359 Rank does not intimidate hardware. Neither does the lack of rank.
60361 It is better to be the reorganizer than the reorganizee.
60363 Executives who do not produce successful results hold on to their
60364 jobs only about five years. Those who produce effective results
60365 hang on about half a decade.
60367 By the time the people asking the questions are ready for the answers,
60368 the people doing the work have lost track of the questions.
60369 -- Norman Augustine
60372 The optimum committee has no members.
60374 Hiring consultants to conduct studies can be an excellent means of
60375 turning problems into gold -- your problems into their gold.
60377 Fools rush in where incumbents fear to tread.
60379 The process of competitively selecting contractors to perform work
60380 is based on a system of rewards and penalties, all distributed
60383 The weaker the data available upon which to base one's conclusion,
60384 the greater the precision which should be quoted in order to give
60385 the data authenticity.
60386 -- Norman Augustine
60389 The thickness of the proposal required to win a multimillion dollar
60390 contract is about one millimeter per million dollars. If all the
60391 proposals conforming to this standard were piled on top of each other
60392 at the bottom of the Grand Canyon it would probably be a good idea.
60394 Ninety percent of the time things will turn out worse than you expect.
60395 The other 10 percent of the time you had no right to expect so much.
60397 The early bird gets the worm.
60398 The early worm ... gets eaten.
60400 Never promise to complete any project within six months of the end of
60401 the year -- in either direction.
60403 Most projects start out slowly -- and then sort of taper off.
60404 -- Norman Augustine
60406 Ya know, Quaker Oats make you feel good twice!
60408 "Yacc" owes much to a most stimulating collection of users, who have
60409 goaded me beyond my inclination, and frequently beyond my ability in
60410 their endless search for "one more feature". Their irritating
60411 unwillingness to learn how to do things my way has usually led to my
60412 doing things their way; most of the time, they have been right.
60413 -- Stephen C. Johnson, "Yacc guide acknowledgements"
60415 Ya'll hear about the geometer who went to the beach to catch some
60416 rays and became a tangent ?
60418 Yawd [noun, Bostonese]: the campus of Have Id.
60419 -- Webster's Unafraid Dictionary
60421 Yea from the table of my memory
60422 I'll wipe away all trivial fond records.
60425 Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of APL, I shall
60426 fear no evil, for I can string six primitive monadic and dyadic
60427 operators together.
60430 Yeah, but you're taking the universe out of context.
60432 Yeah, God is dead, he laughed himself to death.
60434 Yeah, if it looks like a duck, and walks like
60435 a duck, and quacks like a duck -- shoot it.
60437 Yeah, that's me, Tracer Bullet. I've got eight slugs in me. One's lead,
60438 the rest bourbon. The drink packs a wallop, and I pack a revolver. I'm
60442 Yeah, there are more important things in life than money,
60443 but they won't go out with you if you don't have any.
60445 Year Name James Bond Book
60446 ---- -------------------------------- -------------- ----
60447 50's James Bond TV Series Barry Nelson
60448 1962 Dr. No Sean Connery 1958
60449 1963 From Russia With Love Sean Connery 1957
60450 1964 Goldfinger Sean Connery 1959
60451 1965 Thunderball Sean Connery 1961
60452 1967* Casino Royale David Niven 1954
60453 1967 You Only Live Twice Sean Connery 1964
60454 1969 On Her Majesty's Secret Service George Lazenby 1963
60455 1971 Diamonds Are Forever Sean Connery 1956
60456 1973 Live And Let Die Roger Moore 1955
60457 1974 The Man With The Golden Gun Roger Moore 1965
60458 1977 The Spy Who Loved Me Roger Moore 1962 (novelette)
60459 1979 Moonraker Roger Moore 1955
60460 1981 For Your Eyes Only Roger Moore 1960 (novelette)
60461 1983 Octopussy Roger Moore 1965
60462 1983* Never Say Never Again Sean Connery
60463 1985 A View To A Kill Roger Moore 1960 (novelette)
60464 1987 The Living Daylights Timothy Dalton 1965 (novelette)
60465 * -- Not a Broccoli production.
60468 A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments.
60469 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
60471 Yes, but every time I try to see things your way, I get a headache.
60473 Yes, but which self do you want to be?
60475 Yes, I've now got this nice little apartment in New York, one of those
60476 L-shaped ones. Unfortunately, it's a lower case l.
60479 Yes me, I got a bottle in front of me.
60480 And Jimmy has a frontal lobotomy.
60481 Just different ways to kill the pain the same.
60482 But I'd rather have a bottle in front of me,
60483 Than to have to have a frontal lobotomy.
60484 I might be drunk but at least I'm not insane.
60485 -- Randy Ansley M.D. (Dr. Rock)
60487 Yes, we will be going to OSI, Mars and, Pluto, but not necessarily in
60489 -- George Michaelson
60491 Yesterday I was a dog. Today I'm a dog. Tomorrow I'll probably still
60492 be a dog. Sigh! There's so little hope for advancement.
60495 Yesterday upon the stair
60496 I met a man who wasn't there.
60497 He wasn't there again today --
60498 I think he's from the CIA.
60500 Ye've also got to remember that ... respectable people do the most
60501 astonishin' things to preserve their respectability. Thank God
60502 I'm not respectable.
60503 -- Ruthven Campbell Todd
60505 Yevtushenko has... an ego that can crack crystal at a distance of twenty
60509 Yield to Temptation ... it may not pass your way again.
60510 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
60512 Yield to temptation; it may not pass your way again.
60515 A person who combs his hair over his bald spot,
60516 hoping no one will notice.
60517 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
60520 A person who combs his hair over his bald spot, hoping no one
60522 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
60524 You ain't learning nothing when you're talking.
60526 You always have the option of pitching baseballs at empty
60527 spray paint cans in a cul-de-sac in a Cleveland suburb.
60529 You are a bundle of energy, always on the go.
60531 You are a fluke of the universe; you have no right to be here.
60533 You are a taxi driver. Your cab is yellow and black, and has been in
60534 use for only seven years. One of its windshield wipers is broken, and
60535 the carburetor needs adjusting. The tank holds 20 gallons, but at the
60536 moment is only three-quarters full. How old is the taxi driver?"
60538 You are a very redundant person, that's what kind of person you are.
60540 You are a wish to be here wishing yourself.
60543 You are absolute plate-glass. I see to the very back of your mind.
60546 You are always busy.
60548 You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.
60550 You are an insult to my intelligence!
60551 I demand that you log off immediately.
60553 You are as I am with You.
60555 You are capable of planning your future.
60557 You are confused; but this is your normal state.
60559 You are deeply attached to your friends and acquaintances.
60561 You are destined to become the commandant of the
60562 fighting men of the department of transportation.
60564 You are dishonest, but never to the point of hurting a friend.
60566 You are fairminded, just and loving.
60568 You are false data.
60570 You are farsighted, a good planner,
60571 an ardent lover, and a faithful friend.
60573 You are fighting for survival in your own sweet and gentle way.
60575 You are going to have a new love affair.
60586 But you're not all there.
60588 You are in a maze of little twisting passages, all alike.
60590 You are in a maze of little twisting passages, all different.
60592 You are in the hall of the mountain king.
60594 You are lost in the Swamps of Despair.
60596 You are loved by the multitudes.
60597 Have you been to the clinic lately?
60599 You are magnetic in your bearing.
60601 You are never given a wish without also being given the
60602 power to make it true. You may have to work for it, however.
60603 -- R. Bach, "Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for
60606 You are not a fool just because you have done
60607 something foolish -- only if the folly of it escapes you.
60609 You are not dead yet.
60610 But watch for further reports.
60612 You are not permitted to kill a woman who has wronged you, but nothing
60613 forbids you to reflect that she is growing older every minute. You are
60614 avenged fourteen hundred and forty times a day.
60617 You are now in Atlanta, Georgia.
60618 Please set your clocks back 200 years.
60620 You are number 6! Who is number one?
60622 "You are old, Father William," the young man said,
60623 "All your papers these days look the same;
60624 Those William's would be better unread --
60625 Do these facts never fill you with shame?"
60627 "In my youth," Father William replied to his son,
60628 "I wrote wonderful papers galore;
60629 But the great reputation I found that I'd won,
60630 Made it pointless to think any more."
60632 "You are old, father William," the young man said,
60633 "And your hair has become very white;
60634 And yet you incessantly stand on your head --
60635 Do you think, at your age, it is right?"
60637 "In my youth," father William replied to his son,
60638 "I feared it might injure the brain;
60639 But, now that I'm perfectly sure I have none,
60640 Why, I do it again and again."
60643 "You are old," said the youth, "and I'm told by my peers
60644 That your lectures bore people to death.
60645 Yet you talk at one hundred conventions per year --
60646 Don't you think that you should save your breath?"
60648 "I have answered three questions and that is enough,"
60649 Said his father, "Don't give yourself airs!
60650 Do you think I can listen all day to such stuff?
60651 Be off, or I'll kick you downstairs!"
60653 "You are old," said the youth, "and your jaws are too weak
60654 For anything tougher than suet;
60655 Yet you finished the goose, with the bones and the beak --
60656 Pray, how did you manage to do it?"
60658 "In my youth," said his father, "I took to the law,
60659 And argued each case with my wife;
60660 And the muscular strength which it gave to my jaw,
60661 Has lasted the rest of my life."
60664 "You are old," said the youth, "and your programs don't run,
60665 And there isn't one language you like;
60666 Yet of useful suggestions for help you have none --
60667 Have you thought about taking a hike?"
60669 "Since I never write programs," his father replied,
60670 "Every language looks equally bad;
60671 Yet the people keep paying to read all my books
60672 And don't realize that they've been had."
60674 "You are old," said the youth, "as I mentioned before,
60675 And have grown most uncommonly fat;
60676 Yet you turned a back-somersault in at the door --
60677 Pray what is the reason of that?"
60679 "In my youth," said the sage, as he shook his grey locks,
60680 "I kept all my limbs very supple
60681 By the use of this ointment -- one shilling the box --
60682 Allow me to sell you a couple?"
60685 "You are old," said the youth, "as I mentioned before,
60686 And make errors few people could bear;
60687 You complain about everyone's English but yours --
60688 Do you really think this is quite fair?"
60690 "I make lots of mistakes," Father William declared,
60691 "But my stature these days is so great
60692 That no critic can hurt me -- I've got them all scared,
60693 And to stop me it's now far too late."
60695 "You are old," said the youth, "one would hardly suppose
60696 That your eye was as steady as ever;
60697 Yet you balanced an eel on the end of your nose --
60698 What made you so awfully clever?"
60700 "I have answered three questions, and that is enough,"
60701 Said his father. "Don't give yourself airs!
60702 Do you think I can listen all day to such stuff?
60703 Be off, or I'll kick you down stairs!"
60706 You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.
60708 You are scrupulously honest, frank, and straightforward.
60709 Therefore you have few friends.
60711 You are sick, twisted and perverted.
60712 I like that in a person.
60714 You are so boring that when I see you my feet go to sleep.
60716 "You are *so* lovely."
60718 "Yes! And you take a compliment, too! I like that in a goddess."
60720 You are standing on my toes.
60722 You are taking yourself far too seriously.
60724 You are the only person to ever get this message.
60726 You are transported to a room where you are faced by a wizard who
60727 points to you and says, "Them's fighting words!" You immediately get
60728 attacked by all sorts of denizens of the museum: there is a cobra
60729 chewing on your leg, a troglodyte is bashing your brains out with a
60730 gold nugget, a crocodile is removing large chunks of flesh from you, a
60731 rhinoceros is goring you with his horn, a sabre-tooth cat is busy
60732 trying to disembowel you, you are being trampled by a large mammoth, a
60733 vampire is sucking you dry, a Tyrannosaurus Rex is sinking his six inch
60734 long fangs into various parts of your anatomy, a large bear is
60735 dismembering your body, a gargoyle is bouncing up and down on your
60736 head, a burly troll is tearing you limb from limb, several dire wolves
60737 are making mince meat out of your torso, and the wizard is about to
60738 transport you to the corner of Westwood and Broxton. Oh dear, you seem
60739 to have gotten yourself killed, as well.
60741 You scored 0 out of 250 possible points.
60742 That gives you a ranking of junior beginning adventurer.
60743 To achieve the next higher rating, you need to score 32 more points.
60745 You are wise, witty, and wonderful, but you spend too much time reading
60746 this sort of trash.
60748 You ask what a nice girl will do?
60749 She won't give an inch, but she won't say no.
60750 -- Marcus Valerius Martialis
60752 You attempt things that you do not even plan
60753 because of your extreme stupidity.
60757 "You boys lookin' for trouble?"
60758 "Sure. Whaddya got?"
60759 -- Marlon Brando, "The Wild Ones"
60761 You buttered your bread, now lie in it!
60763 You buy a judge by weight, like iron in a junk yard. A justice of the
60764 peace or a magistrate can be had for a five-dollar bill. In the
60765 municipal courts, he will cost you ten. In the circuit or superior
60766 courts, he wants fifteen. The state appellate courts or the state
60767 supreme court is on a par with the Federal courts. By the time a judge
60768 reaches such courts, he is middle-aged, thick around the middle, fat
60769 between the ears. He's heavy. You can't buy a Federal judge for less
60770 than a twenty-dollar bill.
60771 -- Jake "Greasy Thumb" Guzik
60773 You can always pick up your needle and move to another groove.
60776 You can always tell luck from ability by its duration.
60778 You can always tell the Christmas season is here when you start getting
60779 incredibly dense, tinfoil-and-ribbon- wrapped lumps in the mail.
60780 Fruitcakes make ideal gifts because the Postal Service has been unable
60781 to find a way to damage them. They last forever, largely because
60782 nobody ever eats them. In fact, many smart people save the fruitcakes
60783 they receive and send them back to the original givers the next year;
60784 some fruitcakes have been passed back and forth for hundreds of years.
60786 The easiest way to make a fruitcake is to buy a darkish cake, then
60787 pound some old, hard fruit into it with a mallet. Be sure to wear
60789 -- Dave Barry, "Simple, Homespun Gifts"
60791 You can always tell the people that are forging the new frontier.
60792 They're the ones with arrows sticking out of their backs.
60794 You can approach truth, but never capture it.
60795 Lies can be had 'round the corner.
60796 -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967)
60798 You can be replaced by this computer.
60800 You can bear anything if it isn't your own fault.
60801 -- Katharine Fullerton Gerould
60803 You can bring any calculator you like to the midterm, as long as it
60804 doesn't dim the lights when you turn it on.
60805 -- Hepler, CS, University of Washington
60807 "You can bring any calculator you like to the midterm, as long as it
60808 doesn't dim the lights when you turn it on."
60809 -- Hepler, Systems Design 182
60811 You can bring men from other parts of the world who are sane. And you
60812 know what happens? At the very moment they cross those mountains...
60813 they go mad. Instantaneously and automatically, at the very moment
60814 they cross the mountains into California, they go insane.
60817 You can build a throne out of bayonets, but you can't sit on it for very long.
60820 You can cage a swallow, can't you,
60821 but you can't swallow a cage, can you?
60822 Girl, bathing on Bikini, eyeing boy,
60823 finds boy eyeing bikini on bathing girl.
60824 A man, a plan, a canal -- Panama!
60825 -- The Palindromist
60827 You can create your own opportunities this week.
60828 Blackmail a senior executive.
60830 You can destroy your now by worrying about tomorrow.
60833 "You can do this in a number of ways. IBM chose to do all of them.
60834 Why do you find that funny?"
60835 -- D. Taylor, Computer Science 350
60837 You can do this in a number of ways. IBM chose to do all of them.
60838 Why do you find that funny?
60839 -- D. Taylor, CS, University of Washington
60841 You can do very well in speculation where
60842 land or anything to do with dirt is concerned.
60844 You can drive a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.
60846 You can fool all the people all of the time if the advertising is right
60847 and the budget is big enough.
60848 -- Joseph E. Levine
60850 You can fool some of the people all of the time and all
60851 of the people some of the time, but you can never fool your Mom.
60853 You can fool some of the people all of the time,
60854 and all of the people some of the time,
60855 but you can make a fool of yourself anytime.
60857 You can fool some of the people some of the time,
60858 and some of the people all of the time, and that is sufficient.
60860 You can get *anywhere* in ten minutes if you drive fast enough.
60862 You can get everything in life you want,
60863 if you will help enough other people get what they want.
60865 You can get more of what you want with a kind word and a gun than you
60866 can with just a kind word.
60869 You can get much further with a kind word and a
60870 gun than you can with a kind word alone.
60872 [Also attributed to Johnny Carson. Ed.]
60874 You can get there from here, but why on earth would you want to?
60876 You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
60878 You can grovel with a lover, you can grovel with a friend,
60879 You can grovel with your boss, and it never has to end.
60881 (chorus) Grovel, grovel, grovel, every night and every day,
60882 Grovel, grovel, grovel, in your own peculiar way.
60884 You can grovel in a hallway, you can grovel in a park,
60885 You can grovel in an alley with a mugger after dark.
60888 You can grovel with your uncle, you can grovel with your aunt,
60889 You can grovel with your Apple, even though you say you can't.
60892 You can have a dog as a friend. You can have whiskey as a friend. But
60893 if you have a woman as a friend, you're going to wind up drunk and kissing
60897 You can have peace. Or you can have freedom.
60898 Don't ever count on having both at once.
60901 You can imagine my embarrassment when I killed the wrong guy.
60904 You can lead a horse to water, but if you can
60905 get him to float on his back, you've got something.
60907 You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have,
60909 -- Franklin P. Jones
60911 You can make it illegal, but can't make it unpopular.
60913 You can make it illegal, but you can't make it unpopular.
60915 You can measure a programmer's perspective by noting his attitude on
60916 the continuing viability of FORTRAN.
60919 You can measure a programmer's perspective by noting
60920 his attitude on the continuing vitality of FORTRAN.
60922 You can move the world with an idea,
60923 but you have to think of it first.
60925 You can never do just one thing.
60928 You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the tracks.
60930 You can never trust a woman; she may be true to you.
60932 You can no more win a war than you can win an earthquake.
60933 -- Jeannette Rankin
60935 You can not get anything worthwhile done without raising a sweat.
60936 -- The First Law Of Thermodynamics
60938 What ever you want is going to cost a little more than it is worth.
60939 -- The Second Law Of Thermodynamics
60941 You can not win the game, and you are not allowed to stop playing.
60942 -- The Third Law Of Thermodynamics
60944 You can now buy more gates with less
60945 specifications than at any other time in history.
60948 You can observe a lot just by watching.
60951 You can only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.
60953 You can rent this space for only $5 a week.
60955 You can take all the impact that science considerations have on funding
60956 decisions at NASA, put them in the navel of a flea, and have room left
60957 over for a caraway seed and Tony Calio's heart.
60960 You can tell how far we have to go, when FORTRAN is the language of
60964 You can tell the ideals of a nation by its advertisements.
60967 You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish.
60969 "You can write a small letter to Grandma in the filename."
60970 -- Forbes Burkowski, Computer Science 454
60972 You can write a small letter to Grandma in the filename.
60973 -- Forbes Burkowski, CS, University of Washington
60975 You canna change the laws of physics, Captain;
60976 I've got to have thirty minutes!
60978 You cannot achieve the impossible without attempting the absurd.
60980 You cannot choose your battlefield, the gods do that for you.
60981 But you can plant a standard where a standard never flew.
60984 You cannot have a science without measurement.
60987 You cannot kill time without injuring eternity.
60989 You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back.
60991 You cannot see the wood for the trees.
60994 You cannot shake hands with a clenched fist.
60997 You cannot use your friends and have them too.
60999 You can't break eggs without making an omelet.
61001 You can't carve your way to success without cutting remarks.
61003 You can't cheat an honest man, never give
61004 a sucker an even break or smarten up a chump.
61007 You can't cheat the phone company.
61009 You can't cross a large chasm in two small jumps.
61011 You can't depend on the man who made the mess to clean it up.
61012 -- Richard Nixon, 1952
61014 You can't erase a dream, you can only wake me up.
61017 You can't expect a boy to be vicious till he's been to a good school.
61020 "You can't expect a mother to be with a small child all the time",
61021 Margaret Mead once remarked, with her usual good sense, but in 1978
61022 she shocked feminists by snapping that women don't really have
61023 children to put them in day care twelve hours a day, either.
61024 -- Caroline Bird, "The Two Paycheck Marriage"
61026 You can't fall off the floor.
61028 You can't get there from here.
61030 You can't go home again, unless you set $HOME.
61032 "You can't have everything. Where would you put it?"
61035 You can't have your cake and let your neighbor eat it too.
61038 You can't hold a man down without staying down with him.
61039 -- Booker T. Washington
61041 You can't hug a child with nuclear arms.
61043 You can't judge a book by the way it wears its hair.
61045 You can't kiss a girl unexpectedly --
61046 only sooner than she thought you would.
61048 You can't learn too soon that the most useful thing about a principle
61049 is that it can always be sacrificed to expediency.
61050 -- W. Somerset Maugham, "The Circle"
61052 "You can't make a program without broken egos."
61054 You can't mend a wristwatch while falling from an airplane.
61056 You can't play your friends like marks, kid.
61057 -- Henry Gondorf, "The Sting"
61059 You can't push on a string.
61061 You can't run away forever,
61062 But there's nothing wrong with getting a good head start.
61063 -- Jim Steinman, "Rock and Roll Dreams Come Through"
61065 You can't say civilization don't advance... in every war they kill you a
61069 You can't start worrying about what's going to happen. You get spastic
61070 enough worrying about what's happening now.
61073 "You can't survive by sucking the juice from a wet mitten."
61074 -- Charles Schulz, "Things I've Had to Learn Over and
61077 You can't take damsel here now.
61079 You can't take it with you --
61080 especially when crossing a state line.
61082 "You can't teach people to be lazy - either they have it, or they don't."
61083 -- Dagwood Bumstead
61085 You can't underestimate the power of fear.
61086 -- Tricia Nixon Cox
61088 You climb to reach the summit, but once
61089 there, discover that all roads lead down.
61090 -- Stanislaw Lem, "The Cyberiad"
61092 You could get a new lease on life -- if only you didn't need the first
61093 and last month in advance.
61095 You could live a better life, if you
61096 had a better mind and a better body.
61098 You couldn't even prove the White House staff sane beyond a reasonable
61100 -- Ed Meese, on the Hinckley verdict
61102 You definitely intend to start living sometime soon.
61106 You display the wonderful traits of charm and courtesy.
61108 You do not have mail.
61110 You don't become a failure until you're satisfied with being one.
61112 You don't have to be nice to people on the way up
61113 if you're not planning on coming back down.
61114 -- Oliver Warbucks, "Annie"
61116 You don't have to explain something you never said.
61119 You don't have to know how the computer
61120 works, just how to work the computer.
61122 You don't have to think too hard when you talk to teachers.
61125 You don't move to Edina, you achieve Edina.
61128 You don't sew with a fork, so I see no reason to eat with knitting
61130 -- Miss Piggy, on eating Chinese Food
61132 You enjoy the company of other people.
61134 You feel a whole lot more like you do
61135 now than you did when you used to.
61137 You fill a much-needed gap.
61139 You first have to decide whether to use the short or the long form.
61140 The short form is what the Internal Revenue Service calls "simplified",
61141 which means it is designed for people who need the help of a Sears
61142 tax-preparation expert to distinguish between their first and last
61143 names. Here's the complete text:
61145 "(1) How much did you make? (AMOUNT)
61146 "(2) How much did we here at the government take out? (AMOUNT)
61147 "(3) Hey! Sounds like we took too much! So we're going to
61148 send an official government check for (ONE-FIFTEENTH OF
61149 THE AMOUNT WE TOOK) directly to the (YOUR LAST NAME)
61150 household at (YOUR ADDRESS), for you to spend in any way
61151 you please! Which just goes to show you, (YOUR FIRST
61152 NAME), that it pays to file the short form!"
61154 The IRS wants you to use this form because it gets to keep most of your
61155 money. So unless you have pond silt for brains, you want the long
61157 -- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes"
61159 You first parent of the human race... who ruined yourself for an apple,
61160 what might you have done for a truffled turkey?
61161 -- Brillat-Savarin, "Physiologie du Gout"
61163 You get along very well with everyone except animals and people.
61165 You get what you pay for.
61168 You give me space to belong to myself yet without separating me
61169 from your own life. May it all turn out to your happiness.
61172 You go down to the pickup station,
61173 craving warmth and beauty;
61174 You settle for less than fascination --
61175 a few drinks later you're not so choosy.
61176 And the closing lights strip off the shadows
61177 on this strange new flesh you've found --
61178 Clutching the night to you like a fig leaf
61179 you hurry to the blackness
61180 and the blankets to lay down an impression
61181 and your loneliness.
61184 You got to be very careful if you don't know
61185 where you're going, because you might not get there.
61188 You got to pay your dues if you want to sing the blues,
61189 And you know it don't come easy ...
61190 I don't ask for much, I only want trust,
61191 And you know it don't come easy ...
61193 You guys have been practicing discrimination for years.
61195 -- Thurgood Marshall, quoted by Justice Douglas
61197 You had mail, but the super-user read it, and deleted it!
61200 Paul read it, so ask him what it said.
61202 You had some happiness once,
61203 but your parents moved away, and you had to leave it behind.
61205 You have a deep appreciation of the arts and music.
61207 You have a deep interest in all that is artistic.
61209 You have a massage (from the Swedish prime minister).
61211 You have a message from the operator.
61213 You have a reputation for being thoroughly reliable and trustworthy.
61214 A pity that it's totally undeserved.
61216 You have a strong appeal for members of the opposite sex.
61218 You have a strong appeal for members of your own sex.
61220 You have a strong desire for a home
61221 and your family interests come first.
61223 You have a tendency to feel you are superior to most computers.
61225 You have a truly strong individuality.
61227 You have a will that can be influenced
61228 by all with whom you come in contact.
61230 You have acquired a scroll entitled 'irk gleknow mizk'(n).--More--
61232 This is an IBM Manual scroll.--More--
61234 You are permanently confused.
61237 You have all eternity to be cautious in when you're dead.
61240 You have all the characteristics of a popular politician:
61241 a horrible voice, bad breeding, and a vulgar manner.
61244 You have an ability to sense and know higher truth.
61246 You have an ambitious nature and may make a name for yourself.
61248 You have an unusual equipment for success.
61249 Be sure to use it properly.
61251 You have an unusual magnetic personality. Don't walk too close to
61252 metal objects which are not fastened down.
61254 You have an unusual understanding of
61255 the problems of human relationships.
61257 You have been in Afghanistan, I perceive.
61258 -- Sherlock Holmes, "A Study in Scarlet"
61260 You have been selected for a secret mission.
61262 You have Egyptian flu: you're going to be a mummy.
61264 You have had a long-term stimulation relative to business.
61266 You have junk mail.
61268 You have literary talent that you should take pains to develop.
61272 You have many friends and very few living enemies.
61274 You have no real enemies.
61276 You have not converted a man because you have silenced him.
61277 -- John Viscount Morley
61279 You have only to mumble a few words in church to get married
61280 and few words in your sleep to get divorced.
61282 You have taken yourself too seriously.
61284 You have the body of a 19 year old. Please return it before it gets
61287 You have the capacity to learn from mistakes. You'll learn a lot
61290 You have the power to influence all with whom you come in contact.
61292 You have to run as fast as you can just to stay where you are.
61293 If you want to get anywhere, you'll have to run much faster.
61296 You humans are all alike.
61298 You just know when a relationship is about to end. My girlfriend called me
61299 at work and asked me how you change a lightbulb in the bathroom. "It's very
61300 simple," I said. "You start by filling up the bathtub with water..."
61302 You just wait, I'll sin till I blow up!
61305 You k'n hide de fier, but w'at you gwine do wid de smoke?
61306 -- Joel Chandler Harris, proverbs of Uncle Remus
61308 You knew the job was dangerous when you took it, Fred.
61311 You know, Callahan's is a peaceable bar, but if
61312 you ask that dog what his favorite formatter is,
61313 and he says "roff! roff!", well, I'll just have to...
61315 You know how to win a victory, Hannibal, but not how to use it.
61318 You know if they ever find a way to harness sarcasm as an energy source,
61319 you people are all going to owe me big.
61322 You know it's going to be a bad day when you want to put on the clothes
61323 you wore home from the party and there aren't any.
61325 You know it's going to be a long day when you get up, shave and shower,
61326 start to get dressed and your shoes are still warm.
61329 You know it's Monday when you wake up and it's Tuesday.
61332 You know my heart keeps tellin' me,
61333 You're not a kid at thirty-three,
61334 You play around you lose your wife,
61335 You play too long, you lose your life.
61336 Some gotta win, some gotta lose,
61337 Goodtime Charlie's got the blues.
61339 You know, of course, that the Tasmanians, who never committed adultery,
61341 -- M. Somerset Maugham
61343 You know that feeling you get when you are tipping your chair back and you
61344 almost go crashing back on the floor but you just catch yourself? I feel
61345 like that all the time.
61348 You know, the difference between this company and
61349 the Titanic is that the Titanic had paying customers.
61351 You know the great thing about TV? If something important happens
61352 anywhere at all in the world, no matter what time of the day or night,
61353 you can always change the channel.
61356 You know very well that whether you are on page one or page thirty depends
61357 on whether [the press] fear you. It is just as simple as that.
61360 You know what I wish? I wish all the scum of the Earth had one throat
61361 and I had my hands about it.
61362 -- Rorschach, "Watchmen"
61364 You know what they say -- the sweetest word in the English language
61368 You know what we can be like: See a guy and think he's cute one minute, the
61369 next minute our brains have us married with kids, the following minute we see
61370 him having an extramarital affair. By the time someone says "I'd like you to
61371 meet Cecil," we shout, "You're late again with the child support!"
61372 -- Cynthia Heimel, "A Girl's Guide to Chaos"
61374 You know you are getting old when you think you should drive the speed limit.
61377 You know you have a small apartment when Rice Krispies echo.
61378 -- S. Rickly Christian
61380 You know your apartment is small...
61381 when you can't know its position and velocity at the same time.
61382 you put your key in the lock and it breaks the window.
61383 you have to go outside to change your mind.
61384 you can vacuum the entire place using a single electrical outlet.
61386 You know you're a little fat if you have stretch marks on your car.
61387 -- Cyrus, Chicago Reader 1/22/82
61389 You know you're getting old when you're Dad, and you're measuring your
61390 daughter for camp clothes, and there are certain measurements only her
61391 mother is allowed to take.
61393 You know you're in a small town when...
61394 You don't use turn signals because everybody knows where you're going.
61395 You're born on June 13 and your family receives gifts from the local
61396 merchants because you're the first baby of the year.
61397 Everyone knows whose credit is good, and whose wife isn't.
61398 You speak to each dog you pass, by name... and he wags his tail.
61399 You dial the wrong number, and talk for 15 minutes anyway.
61400 You write a check on the wrong bank and it covers you anyway.
61402 You know you're in trouble when...
61403 1) You wake up face down on the pavement.
61404 2) Your wife wakes up feeling amorous and you have a headache.
61405 3) You turn on the news and they're showing emergency routes
61407 4) Your twin sister forgot your birthday.
61408 5) You wake up and discover your waterbed broke and then
61409 remember that you don't have a waterbed.
61410 6) Your doctor tells you you're allergic to chocolate.
61412 You know you're in trouble when...
61413 1) Your car horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you
61414 follow a group of Hell's Angels on the freeway.
61415 2) You want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party
61416 and there aren't any.
61417 3) Your boss tells you not to bother to take off your coat.
61418 4) The bird singing outside your window is a buzzard.
61419 5) You wake up and your braces are locked together.
61420 6) Your mother approves of the person you're dating.
61422 You know you're in trouble when...
61423 (1) Your only son tells you he wishes Anita Bryant would mind
61425 (2) You put your bra on backwards and it fits better.
61426 (3) You call Suicide Prevention and they put you on hold.
61427 (4) You see a `60 Minutes' news team waiting in your office.
61428 (5) Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.
61429 (6) Your 4-year old reveals that it's "almost impossible" to
61430 flush a grapefruit down the toilet.
61431 (7) You realize that you've memorized the back of the cereal box.
61433 You know you're in trouble when...
61434 (1) You've been at work for an hour before you notice that your
61435 skirt is caught in your pantyhose.
61436 (2) Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife.
61437 (3) Your income tax check bounces.
61438 (4) You put both contact lenses in the same eye.
61439 (5) Your wife says, "Good morning, Bill" and your name is George.
61440 (6) You wake up to the soothing sound of flowing water... the day
61441 after you bought a waterbed.
61442 (7) You go on your honeymoon to a remote little hotel and the desk
61443 clerk, bell hop, and manager have a "Welcome Back" party
61446 You know you've been sitting in front of your Lisp machine too long
61447 when you go out to the junk food machine and start wondering how to
61448 make it give you the CADR of Item H so you can get that yummie
61449 chocolate cupcake that's stuck behind the disgusting vanilla one.
61451 You know you've been spending too much time on the computer when your
61452 friend misdates a check, and you suggest adding a "++" to fix it.
61454 You know you've landed gear-up when it takes full power to taxi.
61456 You learn to write as if to someone else
61457 because NEXT YEAR YOU WILL BE "SOMEONE ELSE".
61459 You like to form new friendships and make new acquaintances.
61461 You lived with a man who wore white belts?
61462 Laura, I'm disappointed in you.
61463 -- Remington Steele
61465 You look like a million dollars. All green and wrinkled.
61471 You love your home and want it to be beautiful.
61473 You may already be a loser.
61474 -- Form letter received by Rodney Dangerfield
61476 You may be gone tomorrow, but that
61477 doesn't mean that you weren't here today.
61479 You may be infinitely smaller than some things,
61480 but you're infinitely larger than others.
61482 You may be recognized soon. Hide.
61484 You may be right, I may be crazy,
61485 But maybe it's a lunatic you're looking for?
61488 You may be sure that when a man begins to call himself a "realist," he
61489 is preparing to do something he is secretly ashamed of doing.
61492 You may carve it on his tombstone, you may cut it on his card
61493 That a young man married is a young man marred.
61494 -- Rudyard Kipling, "The Story of the Gadsbys"
61496 You may easily play a joke on a man who likes to argue -- agree with
61500 You may get an opportunity for advancement today. Watch it!
61502 You may have heard that a dean is to faculty as a hydrant is to a dog.
61505 You may my glories and my state dispose,
61506 But not my griefs; still am I king of those.
61507 -- William Shakespeare, "Richard II"
61509 You may not be able to judge a book by its cover, but
61510 you sure as hell can tell how much it's going to cost.
61512 You may worry about your hair-do today, but tomorrow much peanut butter will
61515 You mean you didn't *know* she was off
61516 making lots of little phone companies?
61518 You men out there probably think you already know how to dress for
61519 success. You know, for example, that you should not wear leisure suits
61520 or white plastic belts and shoes, unless you are going to a costume
61521 party disguised as a pig farmer vacationing at Disney World.
61522 -- Dave Barry, "How to Dress for Real Success"
61524 You mentioned your name as if I should recognize it, but beyond the
61525 obvious facts that you are a bachelor, a solicitor, a freemason, and
61526 an asthmatic, I know nothing whatever about you.
61527 -- Sherlock Holmes, "The Norwood Builder"
61529 You might have mail.
61531 You might like to know that I looked at a detailed map of NT, and I'm
61532 now able to confirm that in all probability Microsoft NT does not
61533 exist. If it does, it's so small as to be completely insignificant.
61536 You must dine in our cafeteria.
61537 You can eat dirt cheap there!!!!
61539 You must include all income you receive in the form of money, property
61540 and services if it is not specifically exempt. Report property (goods)
61541 and services at their fair market values. Examples include income from
61542 bartering or swapping transactions, side commissions, kickbacks, rent
61543 paid in services, illegal activities (such as stealing, drugs, etc.),
61544 cash skimming by proprietors and tradesmen, "moonlighting" services,
61545 gambling, prizes and awards. Not reporting such income can lead to
61546 prosecution for perjury and fraud.
61547 -- Excerpt from Taxachussettes income tax forms
61549 You must know that a man can have only one invulnerable loyalty, loyalty
61550 to his own concept of the obligations of manhood. All other loyalties
61551 are merely deputies of that one.
61554 "You must realize that the computer has it in for you. The irrefutable
61555 proof of this is that the computer always does what you tell it to do."
61557 You need more time; and you probably always will.
61559 You need no longer worry about the future. This time tomorrow you'll
61562 You need not worry about your future.
61564 You need only reflect that one of the best ways to get yourself a
61565 reputation as a dangerous citizen these days is to go about repeating
61566 the very phrases which our founding fathers used in the struggle for
61568 -- Charles A. Beard
61570 You never gain something but that you lose something.
61573 You never get a second chance to make a first impression.
61575 You never go anywhere without your soul.
61577 You never have to change anything you
61578 got up in the middle of the night to write.
61581 You never have to figure out what to get for children, because they will
61582 tell you exactly what they want. They spend months and months researching
61583 these kinds of things by watching Saturday- morning cartoon-show
61584 advertisements. Make sure you get your children exactly what they ask for,
61585 even if you disapprove of their choices. If your child thinks he wants
61586 Murderous Bob, the Doll with the Face You Can Rip Right Off, you'd better
61587 get it. You may be worried that it might help to encourage your child's
61588 antisocial tendencies, but believe me, you have not seen antisocial tendencies
61589 until you've seen a child who is convinced that he or she did not get the
61591 -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
61593 You never hesitate to tackle the most difficult problems.
61595 You never know how many friends you have until you rent a house on the
61598 You never know what is enough until you know what is more than enough.
61601 You never learned anything by doing it right.
61603 You never realize how many friends you
61604 have until you rent a house at the beach.
61606 You notice that after Ginzburg admitted he had tried marijuana everyone
61607 got in line to admit it, too. But you also notice they all said they
61608 "experimented" with marijuana. The didn't "use" it; they "experimented"
61609 with it. Let me tell you something -- Jonas Salk "experiments"; these
61610 guys were getting stoned!
61613 You now have Asian Flu.
61615 You or I must yield up his life to Ahrimanes. I would rather it were
61616 you. I should have no hesitation in sacrificing my own life to spare
61617 yours, but we take stock next week, and it would not be fair on the
61619 -- J. Wellington Wells
61621 You own a dog, but you can only feed a cat.
61623 You plan things that you do not even
61624 attempt because of your extreme caution.
61626 You possess a mind not merely twisted, but actually sprained.
61628 You prefer the company of the opposite
61629 sex, but are well liked by your own.
61631 You probably wouldn't worry about what people think of you if you could
61632 know how seldom they do.
61635 You recoil from the crude; you tend naturally toward the exquisite.
61637 You roll my log, and I will roll yours.
61638 -- Lucius Annaeus Seneca
61646 Let's go be the Vice President...
61648 You scratch my tape, and I'll scratch yours.
61650 You see, I consider that a man's brain originally is like a little empty
61651 attic, and you have to stock it with such furniture as you choose. A fool
61652 takes in all the lumber of every sort he comes across, so that the knowledge
61653 which might be useful to him gets crowded out, or at best is jumbled up with
61654 alot of other things, so that he has difficulty in laying his hands upon it.
61655 Now the skillful workman is very careful indeed as to what he takes into his
61656 brain-attic. He will have nothing but the tools which may help him in doing
61657 his work, but of these he has a large assortment, and all in the most perfect
61658 order. It is a mistake to think that that little room has elastic walls and
61659 can distend to any extent. Depend upon it there comes a time when for every
61660 addition of knowledge you forget something that you knew before. It is of
61661 the highest importance, therefore, not to have useless facts elbowing out
61665 You see things; and you say "Why?"
61666 But I dream things that never were; and I say "Why not?"
61667 -- George Bernard Shaw, "Back to Methuselah"
61668 [No, it wasn't J. F. Kennedy. Ed.]
61670 You see, wire telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull
61671 his tail in New York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you
61672 understand this? And radio operates exactly the same way: you send
61673 signals here, they receive them there. The only difference is that
61675 -- Albert Einstein, when asked to describe radio
61677 You seek to shield those you love
61678 and you like the role of the provider.
61680 You shall be rewarded for a dastardly deed.
61682 You shall judge of a man by his foes as well as by his friends.
61685 You should avoid hedging, at least that's what I think.
61687 You should emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially
61690 You should go home.
61692 You should make a point of trying every experience once -- except
61693 incest and folk-dancing.
61694 -- A. Bax, "Farewell My Youth"
61696 You should never bet against anything in science at odds of more than
61698 -- Ernest Rutherford
61700 You should never bet against anything in science at
61701 odds of more than about ten to the twelfth to one.
61702 -- Ernest Rutherford
61704 You should never ride in an airplane with a sports team,
61705 because if the plane goes down, it's you they're gonna eat!
61706 -- Gordon Downie, singer for Tragically Hip
61708 You should never wear your best trousers when you go out to fight for
61709 freedom and liberty.
61712 You should not use your fireplace, because scientists now believe that,
61713 contrary to popular opinion, fireplaces actually remove heat from
61714 houses. Really, that's what scientists believe. In fact many
61715 scientists actually use their fireplaces to cool their houses in the
61716 summer. If you visit a scientist's house on a sultry August day,
61717 you'll find a cheerful fire roaring on the hearth and the scientist
61718 sitting nearby, remarking on how cool he is and drinking heavily.
61719 -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler"
61721 You should tip the waiter $10, minus $2 if he tells you his name,
61722 another $2 if he claims it will be His Pleasure to serve you and
61723 another $2 for each "special" he describes involving confusing terms
61724 such as "shallots," and $4 if the menu contains the word "fixin's." In
61725 many restaurants, this means the waiter will actually owe you money.
61726 If you are traveling with a child aged six months to three years, you
61727 should leave an additional amount equal to twice the bill to compensate
61728 for the fact that they will have to take the banquette out and burn it
61729 because the cracks are wedged solid with gobbets made of partially
61730 chewed former restaurant rolls saturated with baby spit.
61732 In New York, tip the taxicab driver $40 if he does not mention his
61734 -- Dave Barry, "The Stuff of Etiquette"
61736 "You should, without hesitation, pound your typewriter into a
61737 plowshare, your paper into fertilizer, and enter agriculture."
61738 -- Business Professor, University of Georgia
61740 You shouldn't have to pay for your love with your bones and your flesh.
61741 -- Pat Benatar, "Hell is for Children"
61743 You shouldn't wallow in self-pity. But it's OK to put
61744 your feet in it and swish them around a little.
61747 You single-handedly fought your way into this hopeless mess.
61749 You teach best what you most need to learn.
61751 You think Oedipus had a problem -- Adam was Eve's mother.
61753 YOU TOO CAN MAKE BIG MONEY IN THE EXCITING FIELD OF PAPER SHUFFLING!
61755 Mr. Smith of Muddle, Mass. says: "Before I took this course I used to be
61756 a lowly bit twiddler. Now with what I learned at MIT Tech I feel really
61757 important and can obfuscate and confuse with the best."
61759 Mr. Watkins had this to say: "Ten short days ago all I could look forward
61760 to was a dead-end job as a engineer. Now I have a promising future and
61761 make really big Zorkmids."
61763 MIT Tech can't promise these fantastic results to everyone, but when
61764 you earn your MDL degree from MIT Tech your future will be brighter.
61766 SEND FOR OUR FREE BROCHURE TODAY!
61768 You too can wear a nose mitten.
61770 You tread upon my patience.
61771 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV"
61773 You two ought to be more careful--
61774 your love could drag on for years and years.
61776 You want to know why I kept getting promoted?
61777 Because my mouth knows more than my brain.
61780 You will always find something in the last place you look.
61782 You will always get the greatest recognition for the job you least like.
61784 You will always have good luck in your personal affairs.
61786 You will attract cultured and artistic people to your home.
61788 You will be a winner today. Pick a fight with a four-year-old.
61790 You will be advanced socially,
61791 without any special effort on your part.
61793 You will be aided greatly by a person
61794 whom you thought to be unimportant.
61796 You will be attacked by a beast who has the body of a wolf, the tail of
61797 a lion, and the face of Donald Duck.
61799 You will be audited by the Internal Revenue Service.
61801 You will be awarded a medal for disregarding safety in saving someone.
61803 You will be awarded some great honor.
61805 You will be awarded the Nobel Peace Prize... posthumously.
61807 You will be called upon to help a friend in trouble.
61809 You will be dead within a year.
61811 You will be divorced within a year.
61813 You will be given a post of trust and responsibility.
61815 You will be held hostage by a radical group.
61817 You will be honored for contributing
61818 your time and skill to a worthy cause.
61820 You will be imprisoned for contributing
61821 your time and skill to a bank robbery.
61823 You will be married within a year.
61825 You will be married within a year, and divorced within two.
61827 You will be misunderstood by everyone.
61829 You will be recognized and honored as a community leader.
61831 You will be reincarnated as a toad; and you will be much happier.
61833 You will be run over by a beer truck.
61835 You will be run over by a bus.
61837 You will be singled out for promotion in your work.
61839 You will be successful in love.
61841 You will be surprised by a loud noise.
61843 You will be surrounded by luxury.
61845 You will be the last person to buy a Chrysler.
61847 You will be the victim of a bizarre joke.
61849 You will be Told about it Tomorrow. Go Home and Prepare Thyself.
61851 You will be traveling and coming into a fortune.
61853 You will be winged by an anti-aircraft battery.
61855 You will become rich and famous unless you don't.
61857 You will contract a rare disease.
61859 You will engage in a profitable business activity.
61861 You will experience a strong urge to do good; but it will pass.
61863 You will feel hungry again in another hour.
61865 You will find me drinking gin
61866 In the lowest kind of inn,
61867 Because I am a rigid Vegetarian.
61868 -- G. K. Chesterton
61870 You will forget that you ever knew me.
61872 You will gain money by a fattening action.
61874 You will gain money by a speculation or lottery.
61876 You will gain money by an illegal action.
61878 You will gain money by an immoral action.
61880 You will get what you deserve.
61882 You will give someone a piece of your mind, which you can ill afford.
61884 You will have a head crash on your private pack.
61886 You will have a long and boring life.
61888 You will have a long and unpleasant discussion with your supervisor.
61890 You will have domestic happiness and faithful friends.
61892 You will have good luck and overcome many hardships.
61894 You will have long and healthy life.
61896 You will have many recoverable tape errors.
61898 You will hear good news from one you thought unfriendly to you.
61900 You will inherit millions of dollars.
61902 You will inherit some money or a small piece of land.
61904 You will live a long, healthy, happy life and make bags of money.
61906 You will live to see your grandchildren.
61908 You will lose an important disk file.
61910 You will lose an important tape file.
61912 You will lose your present job and have to become a door to door
61913 mayonnaise salesman.
61915 You will meet an important person who will help you advance professionally.
61917 You will never amount to much.
61918 -- Munich Schoolmaster, to Albert Einstein, age 10
61920 You will never know hunger.
61922 You will not be elected to public office this year.
61924 You will obey or molten silver will be poured into your ears.
61926 You will outgrow your usefulness.
61928 You will overcome the attacks of jealous associates.
61930 You will pass away very quickly.
61932 You will pay for your sins.
61933 If you have already paid, please disregard this message.
61935 You will pioneer the first Martian colony.
61937 You will probably marry after a very brief courtship.
61939 You will reach the highest possible point in your business or profession.
61941 You will receive a legacy which will place you above want.
61943 You will remember something that you should not have forgotten.
61945 You will soon forget this.
61947 You will soon meet a person who will play an important role in your life.
61949 You will step on the night soil of many countries.
61951 You will stop at nothing to reach your objective,
61952 but only because your brakes are defective.
61954 You will think of something funnier than this to add to the fortunes.
61956 You will triumph over your enemy.
61958 You will visit the Dung Pits of Glive soon.
61960 You will win success in whatever calling you adopt.
61962 You will wish you hadn't.
61964 You won't skid if you stay in a rut.
61967 You work very hard. Don't try to think as well.
61969 You worry too much about your job. Stop it. You're not paid enough to
61972 "You would do well not to imagine profundity," he said. "Anything that seems
61973 of momentous occasion should be dwelt upon as though it were of slight note.
61974 Conversely, trivialities must be attended to with the greatest of care.
61975 Because death is momentous, give it no thought; because victory is important,
61976 give it no thought; because the method of achievement and discovery is less
61977 momentous than the effect, dwell always upon the method. You will strengthen
61978 yourself in this way."
61979 -- Jessica Salmonson, "The Swordswoman"
61981 You would if you could but you can't so you won't.
61983 You'd best be snoozin', 'cause you don't
61984 be gettin' no work done at 5 a.m. anyway.
61985 -- From the wall of the Wurster Hall stairwell
61987 You'd better beat it. You can leave in a taxi. If you can't get a
61988 taxi, you can leave in a huff. If that's too soon, you can leave in a
61992 You'd better smile when they watch you, smile like you're in control.
61993 -- Smile, "Was (Not Was)"
61995 You'd like to do it instantaneously, but that's too slow.
61998 What you always were,
61999 Which has nothing to do with,
62000 All to do, with her.
62003 You'll be called to a post requiring
62004 ability in handling groups of people.
62008 You'll feel devilish tonight.
62009 Toss dynamite caps under a flamenco dancer's heel.
62011 You'll feel much better once you've given up hope.
62013 "You'll never be the man your mother was!"
62015 You'll never see all the places, or read all the
62016 books, but fortunately, they're not all recommended.
62018 You'll wish that you had done some of the
62019 hard things when they were easier to do.
62021 Young men are fitter to invent than to judge; fitter for execution than for
62022 counsel; and fitter for new projects than for settled business. For the
62023 experience of age, in things that fall within the compass of it, directeth
62024 them; but in new things, abuseth them. The errors of young men are the ruin
62025 of business; but the errors of aged men amount but to this, that more might
62026 have been done, or sooner. Young men, in the conduct and management of
62027 actions, embrace more than they can hold; stir more than they can quiet; fly
62028 to the end, without consideration of the means and degrees; pursue some few
62029 principles which they have chanced upon absurdly; care not how they innovate,
62030 which draws unknown inconveniences; and, that which doubleth all errors, will
62031 not acknowledge or retract them; like an unready horse, that will neither stop
62032 nor turn. Men of age object too much, consult too long, adventure too little,
62033 repent too soon, and seldom drive business home to the full period, but
62034 content themselves with a mediocrity of success. Certainly, it is good to
62035 compound employments of both ... because the virtues of either age may correct
62036 the defects of both.
62037 -- Francis Bacon, "Essay on Youth and Age"
62039 Young men, hear an old man to whom
62040 old men hearkened when he was young.
62043 Young men think old men are fools;
62044 but old men know young men are fools.
62047 Your aim is high and to the right.
62049 Your aims are high, and you are capable of much.
62051 Your analyst has you mixed up with another patient. Don't believe a
62052 thing he tells you.
62054 Your best consolation is the hope that the things
62055 you failed to get weren't really worth having.
62057 Your boss climbed the corporate ladder, wrong by wrong.
62059 Your boss is a few sandwiches short of a picnic.
62061 Your boyfriend takes chocolate from strangers.
62063 Your business will assume vast proportions.
62065 Your business will go through a period of considerable expansion.
62067 Your code should be more efficient!
62069 Your computer account is overdrawn. Please reauthorize.
62071 Your computer account is overdrawn. Please see Big Brother.
62073 Your conscience never stops you from doing anything. It just stops you
62076 Your Co-worker Could Be a Space Alien, Say Experts
62077 ...Here's How You Can Tell
62078 Many Americans work side by side with space aliens who look human -- but you
62079 can spot these visitors by looking for certain tip-offs, say experts. They
62080 listed 10 signs to watch for:
62081 #3. Bizarre sense of humor. Space aliens who don't understand
62082 earthly humor may laugh during a company training film or tell
62083 jokes that no one understands, said Steiger.
62084 #6. Misuses everyday items. "A space alien may use correction
62085 fluid to paint its nails," said Steiger.
62086 #8. Secretive about personal life-style and home. "An alien won't
62087 discuss details or talk about what it does at night or on weekends."
62088 #10. Displays a change of mood or physical reaction when near certain
62089 high-tech hardware. "An alien may experience a mood change when
62090 a microwave oven is turned on," said Steiger.
62091 The experts pointed out that a co-worker would have to display most if not
62092 all of these traits before you can positively identify him as a space alien.
62093 -- National Enquirer, Michael Cassels, August, 1984
62095 [I thought everybody laughed at company training films. Ed.]
62097 Your depth of comprehension may tend to make you lax in worldly ways.
62099 Your digestive system is your body's Fun House, whereby food goes on a long,
62100 dark, scary ride, taking all kinds of unexpected twists and turns, being
62101 attacked by vicious secretions along the way, and not knowing until the last
62102 minute whether it will be turned into a useful body part or ejected into the
62103 Dark Hole by Mister Sphincter. We Americans live in a nation where the
62104 medical-care system is second to none in the world, unless you count maybe
62105 25 or 30 little scuzzball countries like Scotland that we could vaporize in
62106 seconds if we felt like it.
62107 -- Dave Barry, "Stay Fit & Healthy Until You're Dead"
62109 Your domestic life may be harmonious.
62111 Your education begins where what is called your education is over.
62113 Your fault: core dumped
62115 Your files are now being encrypted and thrown into the bit bucket.
62118 Your fly might be open (but don't check it just now).
62123 AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18)
62124 You have nothing better to think about than what to wear and what
62125 type of champagne to take to the neighbors Halloween Party. Just take beer!
62126 Don't try to copy the "Joneses", pull them up to your level and remember, in
62127 California Halloween is redundant anyhow.
62129 PISCES (Feb. 19 - March 20)
62130 Focus on strengthening friendships this Fall. You find others are
62131 fascinated by your intelligence, your wit, your drinking ability, and your
62132 bank account. Just make sure you realize it's far more impressive when
62133 other discover your good qualities without your help.
62138 ARIES (March 21 - April 19)
62139 Matters are not good, where your health is concerned. This Fall, be
62140 sure to "walk groundly, talk profoundly, drink roundly, and sleep soundly"
62141 and you will live all the days of your life.
62143 TAURUS (April 20 - May 20)
62144 You spent a fortune on beer this past summer and now find yourself
62145 in a deep depression because you can't afford even one of your favorite
62146 brewskis. Don't fret too much, Taurus. To get back on your feet simply
62147 miss two car payments.
62149 GEMINI (May 21 - June 21)
62150 You think you're falling in love with a person who has a lot in
62151 common with yourself. You both prefer ales, you've both tried your hand
62152 at homebrewing, and you both want to visit every new brewpub that opens.
62153 Sounds impressive but remember you really don't know your partner until
62159 CANCER (Jun 22 - July 22)
62160 You've been awarded a clean bill of health this month and you feel
62161 you owe it all to the excessive amount of Vitamin B, Iron, and Malt you get
62162 in your beer. Being healthy is admirable but don't you think you're going
62163 to feel stupid one day lying in a hospital dying of nothing?
62165 LEO (July 23 - August 22)
62166 You will soon acquire a large sum of money and will be in seventh
62167 heaven as you head to the nearest Liquor Barn and buy all the beer they have
62168 in stock. Whoever said money couldn't buy happiness didn't know where to
62171 VIRGO (August 23 - September 22)
62172 Your late night, beer drinking, "life in the fast lane" parties are
62173 affecting your job production the next morning. You feel a nine to five job
62174 is not for a "party animal" such as yourself and may feel the need for a
62175 career change. Just remember, people who work sitting down get paid more
62176 than people who work standing up.
62178 Your friends will know you better in the first minute you
62179 meet than your acquaintances will know you in a thousand years.
62180 -- Richard Bach, "Illusions"
62182 Your goose is cooked.
62183 (Your current chick is burned up too!)
62185 Your happiness is intertwined with your outlook on life.
62187 Your heart is pure, and your mind clear, and your soul devout.
62189 Your ignorance cramps my conversation.
62191 Your life would be very empty if you had nothing to regret.
62193 Your love life will be happy and harmonious.
62195 Your love life will be... interesting.
62197 Your lover will never wish to leave you.
62199 Your lucky color has faded.
62201 Your lucky number has been disconnected.
62203 Your lucky number is 3552664958674928. Watch for it everywhere.
62205 Your manuscript is both good and original, but the part that is good is not
62206 original and the part that is original is not good.
62209 Your mind is the part of you that says,
62210 "Why'n'tcha eat that piece of cake?"
62211 ... and then, twenty minutes later, says,
62212 "Y'know, if I were you, I wouldn't have done that!"
62213 -- Steven and Ondrea Levine
62215 Your mind understands what you have been
62216 taught; your heart, what is true.
62218 Your mode of life will be changed for
62219 the better because of good news soon.
62221 Your mode of life will be changed for
62222 the better because of new developments.
62224 Your mode of life will be changed to ASCII.
62226 Your mode of life will be changed to EBCDIC.
62228 Your mothers ghost stands at your shoulder
62229 Face like ice, a little bit colder
62230 She says "You can't do that it breaks all the rules
62231 You learned in school"
62232 But I don't really see
62233 Why can't we go on as three?
62234 -- David Crosby, "Triad"
62236 Your motives for doing whatever good deed you
62237 may have in mind will be misinterpreted by somebody.
62239 Your nature demands love and your happiness depends on it.
62241 Your object is to save the world,
62242 while still leading a pleasant life.
62244 Your only obligation in any lifetime is to be true to yourself. Being
62245 true to anyone else or anything else is not only impossible, but the
62246 mark of a fake messiah. The simplest questions are the most profound.
62247 Where were you born? Where is your home? Where are you going? What
62248 are you doing? Think about these once in awhile and watch your answers
62250 -- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul
62252 Your own qualities will help prevent your advancement in the world.
62254 Your password is pitifully obvious.
62256 Your picture of the world often changes just before you get it into focus.
62258 Your present plans will be successful.
62260 Your program is sick! Shoot it and put it out of its memory.
62262 Your reasoning powers are good, and you are a fairly good planner.
62264 Your responsibility as a parent is not as great as you might imagine. You
62265 need not supply the world with the next conqueror of disease or major motion
62266 picture star. If your child simply grows up to be someone who does not use
62267 the word "collectible" as a noun, you can consider yourself an unqualified
62269 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"
62271 Your sister swims out to meet troop ships.
62273 Your society will be sought by people of taste and refinement.
62275 Your step will soil many countries.
62277 Your supervisor is thinking about you.
62279 Your talents will be recognized and suitably rewarded.
62281 Your temporary financial embarrassment will
62282 be relieved in a surprising manner.
62284 Your true value depends entirely on what you are compared with.
62286 Your wig steers the gig.
62289 Your wise men don't know how it feels
62290 To be thick as a brick.
62291 -- Jethro Tull, "Thick As A Brick"
62293 Your worship is your furnaces
62294 which, like old idols, lost obscenes,
62295 have molten bowels; your vision is
62296 machines for making more machines.
62297 -- Gordon Bottomley, 1874
62299 You're a card which will have to be dealt with.
62301 You're a good example of why some animals eat their young.
62302 -- Jim Samuels to a heckler
62304 Ah, yes. I remember my first beer.
62305 -- Steve Martin to a heckler
62307 When your IQ rises to 28, sell.
62308 -- Professor Irwin Corey to a heckler
62310 You're all clear now, kid.
62311 Now blow this thing so we can all go home.
62314 You're almost as happy as you think you are.
62316 You're already carrying the sphere!
62318 You're always thinking you're gonna be
62319 the one that makes 'em act different.
62320 -- Woody Allen, "Manhattan"
62322 You're at the end of the road again.
62324 You're at Witt's End.
62326 You're being followed. Cut out the hanky-panky for a few days.
62328 You're currently going through a difficult transition period called "Life."
62330 You're definitely on their list.
62331 The question to ask next is what list it is.
62333 You're either part of the solution or part of the problem.
62334 -- Eldridge Cleaver
62336 You're growing out of some of your problems,
62337 but there are others that you're growing into.
62339 "You're just the sort of person I imagined marrying, when I was little...
62340 except, y'know, not green... and without all the patches of fungus."
62343 You're never too old to become younger.
62346 You're not Dave. Who are you?
62348 You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
62351 You're not my type. For that matter, you're not even my species!!!
62353 You're reasoning is excellent -- it's
62354 only your basic assumptions that are wrong.
62356 You're ugly and your mother dresses you funny.
62358 You're using a keyboard! How quaint!
62360 You're working under a slight handicap.
62361 You happen to be human.
62363 Yours is not to reason why,
62365 And when you find you have to throw
62367 Remember life as was it is,
62369 Chasing sounds across the galaxy
62370 'Till silence is but a blur.
62373 Youth. It's a wonder that anyone ever outgrows it.
62375 Youth -- not a time of life but a state of mind... a predominance of
62376 courage over timidity, of the appetite for adventure over the love of ease.
62377 -- Robert F. Kennedy
62379 Youth had been a habit of hers so long that she could not part with it.
62381 Youth is a blunder, manhood a struggle, old age a regret.
62382 -- Benjamin Disraeli, "Coningsby"
62384 Youth is a disease from which we all recover.
62385 -- Dorothy Fuldheim
62387 Youth is such a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children.
62388 -- George Bernard Shaw
62390 Youth is the trustee of posterity.
62392 Youth is when you blame all your troubles on your parents; maturity is
62393 when you learn that everything is the fault of the younger generation.
62395 You've always made the mistake of being yourself.
62398 You've been Berkeley'ed!
62400 You've been leading a dog's life. Stay off the furniture.
62402 You've been telling me to relax all the way here,
62403 and now you're telling me just to be myself?
62404 -- The Return of the Secaucus Seven
62406 "You've got to have a gimmick if your band sucks."
62409 You've got to pity New Mexico... so far from heaven and so close to Texas.
62411 "You've got to think about tomorrow!"
62413 "TOMORROW! I haven't even prepared for *_________
\b\b\b\b\b\b\b\b\byesterday* yet!"
62415 "Yow! Am I having fun yet?"
62416 -- Zippy the Pinhead
62418 "Yow! Am I in Milwaukee?"
62419 -- Zippy the Pinhead
62421 "Yow! And then we could sit on the hoods of cars at stop lights!"
62422 -- Zippy the Pinhead
62424 "Yow! Did something bad happen or am I in a drive-in movie?"
62425 -- Zippy the Pinhead
62427 YOW!! Everybody out of the GENETIC POOL!
62429 "Yow! Is this sexual intercourse yet? Is it, huh, is it?"
62430 -- Zippy the Pinhead
62432 "Yow!! Those people look exactly like Donnie and Marie Osmond!!"
62433 -- Zippy the Pinhead
62435 "Yow! Now I get to think about all the BAD THINGS I did
62436 to a BOWLING BALL when I was in JUNIOR HIGH SCHOOL!"
62437 -- Zippy the Pinhead
62440 Something that is occasionally up but normally down.
62441 (see also Computer).
62444 1: Any time you get a mouthful of hot soup, the next thing you do
62446 2: How long a minute is, depends on which side of the bathroom
62450 Quality seen in new graduates -- if you're quick.
62453 The result of shutting down a production line.
62455 Zero Mostel: That's it baby! When you got it, flaunt it! Flaunt it!
62456 -- Mel Brooks, "The Producers"
62458 Zeus gave Leda the bird.
62461 If you're asked to join a parade, don't march behind the elephants.
62463 Zounds! I was never so bethump'd with words
62464 since I first call'd my brother's father dad.
62465 -- William Shakespeare, "King John"
62467 Zymurgy's Law of Volunteer Labor:
62468 People are always available for work in the past tense.
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