1 This fortune brought to you by:
2 The DragonFly BSD Project
4 =======================================================================
6 || The FORTUNE-COOKIE program is soon to be a Major Motion Picture! ||
7 || Watch for it at a theater near you next summer! ||
9 =======================================================================
10 Francis Ford Coppola presents a George Lucas Production:
12 Directed by Steven Spielberg.
13 Starring Harrison Ford Bette Midler Marlon Brando
14 Christopher Reeves Marilyn Chambers
15 and Bob Hope as "The Waiter".
16 Costumes Designed by Pierre Cardin.
17 Special Effects by Timothy Leary.
18 Read the Warner paperback!
19 Invoke the Unix program!
20 Soundtrack on XTC Records.
21 In 70mm and Dolby Stereo at selected theaters and terminal
25 Philadelphia, Pa. 19369
27 Your name has been submitted to us with your photo. I regret to
28 inform you that we will be unable to use your body in our centerfold. On
29 a scale of one to ten, your body was rated a minus two by a panel of women
30 ranging in age from 60 to 75 years. We tried to assemble a panel in the
31 age bracket of 25 to 35 years, but we could not get them to stop laughing
32 long enough to reach a decision. Should the taste of the American woman
33 ever change so drastically that bodies such as yours would be appropriate
34 in our magazine, you will be notified by this office. Please, don't call
39 p.s. We also want to commend you for your unusual pose. Were you
40 wounded in the war, or do you ride your bike a lot?
53 _____.,-#%&$@%#&#~,._____
70 you're splitting my ends.
74 Title: Are Frogs Turing Compatible?
75 Speaker: Don "The Lion" Knuth
78 Several researchers at the University of Louisiana have been studying
79 the computing power of various amphibians, frogs in particular. The problem
80 of frog computability has become a critical issue that ranges across all areas
81 of computer science. It has been shown that anything computable by an amphi-
82 bian community in a fixed-size pond is computable by a frog in the same-size
83 pond -- that is to say, frogs are Pond-space complete. We will show that
84 there is a log-space, polywog-time reduction from any Turing machine program
85 to a frog. We will suggest these represent a proper subset of frog-computable
87 This is not just a let's-see-how-far-those-frogs-can-jump seminar.
88 This is only for hardcore amphibian-computation people and their colleagues.
89 Refreshments will be served. Music will be played.
93 For those of you in the reseller business, here is a helpful tip that will
94 save your support staff a few hours of precious time. Before you send your
95 next machine out to an untrained client, change the permissions on /etc/passwd
96 to 666 and make sure there is a copy somewhere on the disk. Now when they
97 forget the root password, you can easily login as an ordinary user and correct
98 the damage. Having a bootable tape (for larger machines) is not a bad idea
99 either. If you need some help, give us a call.
101 -- CommUNIXque 1:1, ASCAR Business Systems
104 _--~~~#####// ' ` \\#####~~~--_
105 -~##########// ( ) \\##########~-_
106 -############// |\^^/| \\############-
107 _~############// (O||O) \\############~_
108 ~#############(( \\// ))#############~
109 -###############\\ (oo) //###############-
110 -#################\\ / `' \ //#################-
111 -###################\\/ () \//###################-
112 _#/|##########/\######( (()) )######/\##########|\#_
113 |/ |#/\#/\#/\/ \#/\##| \()/ |##/\#/ \/\#/\#/\#| \|
114 ` |/ V V ` V )|| |()| ||( V ' V /\ \| '
115 ` ` ` ` / | |()| | \ ' '<||> '
117 __\ |__|()|__| /__\______/|/
118 (vvv(vvvv)(vvvv)vvv)______|/
120 -- Gifts for Children --
122 This is easy. You never have to figure out what to get for children,
123 because they will tell you exactly what they want. They spend months
124 and months researching these kinds of things by watching Saturday-
125 morning cartoon-show advertisements. Make sure you get your children
126 exactly what they ask for, even if you disapprove of their choices. If
127 your child thinks he wants Murderous Bob, the Doll with the Face You
128 Can Rip Right Off, you'd better get it. You may be worried that it
129 might help to encourage your child's antisocial tendencies, but believe
130 me, you have not seen antisocial tendencies until you've seen a child
131 who is convinced that he or she did not get the right gift.
132 -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
136 Men are amused by almost any idiot thing -- that is why professional
137 ice hockey is so popular -- so buying gifts for them is easy. But you
138 should never buy them clothes. Men believe they already have all the
139 clothes they will ever need, and new ones make them nervous. For
140 example, your average man has 84 ties, but he wears, at most, only
141 three of them. He has learned, through humiliating trial and error,
142 that if he wears any of the other 81 ties, his wife will probably laugh
143 at him ("You're not going to wear THAT tie with that suit, are you?").
144 So he has narrowed it down to three safe ties, and has gone several
145 years without being laughed at. If you give him a new tie, he will
146 pretend to like it, but deep inside he will hate you.
148 If you want to give a man something practical, consider tires. More
149 than once, I would have gladly traded all the gifts I got for a new set
151 -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
154 Russian tanks steamrolling through New Jersey!!!! Details at eleven!
158 Das machine is nicht fur gefingerpoken und mittengrabben. Ist easy
159 schnappen der springenwerk, blowenfusen und corkenpoppen mit
160 spitzensparken. Ist nicht fur gewerken by das dummkopfen. Das
161 rubbernecken sightseeren keepen hands in das pockets. Relaxen und
162 vatch das blinkenlights!!!
168 In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot
169 of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.
170 -- Douglas Adams, "The Restaurant at the End of the Universe"
174 Don't some of these fortunes just drive you nuts?! Wouldn't you like
175 to see some of them deleted from the system? You can! Just mail to
176 "fortune" with the fortune you hate most, and we MIGHT make sure it
181 The Gurus of Unix Meeting of Minds (GUMM) takes place Wednesday, April
182 1, 2076 (check THAT in your perpetual calendar program), 14 feet above
183 the ground directly in front of the Milpitas Gumps. Members will grep
184 each other by the hand (after intro), yacc a lot, smoke filtered
185 chroots in pipes, chown with forks, use the wc (unless uuclean), fseek
186 nice zombie processes, strip, and sleep, but not, we hope, od. Three
187 days will be devoted to discussion of the ramifications of whodo. Two
188 seconds have been allotted for a complete rundown of all the user-
189 friendly features of Unix. Seminars include "Everything You Know is
190 Wrong", led by Tom Kempson, "Batman or Cat:man?" led by Richie Dennis
191 "cc C? Si! Si!" led by Kerwin Bernighan, and "Document Unix, Are You
192 Kidding?" led by Jan Yeats. No Reader Service No. is necessary because
193 all GUGUs (Gurus of Unix Group of Users) already know everything we
195 -- Dr. Dobb's Journal, June '84
197 It's grad exam time...
199 Inside your desk you'll find a listing of the DEC/VMS operating
200 system in IBM 1710 machine code. Show what changes are necessary to convert
201 this code into a UNIX Berkeley 7 operating system. Prove that these fixes are
202 bug free and run correctly. You should gain at least 150% efficiency in the
203 new system. (You should take no more than 10 minutes on this question.)
206 If X equals PI times R^2, construct a formula showing how long
207 it would take a fire ant to drill a hole through a dill pickle, if the
208 length-girth ratio of the ant to the pickle were 98.17:1.
211 Describe the Universe. Give three examples.
213 It's grad exam time...
215 You have been provided with a razor blade, a piece of gauze, and a
216 bottle of Scotch. Remove your appendix. Do not suture until your work has
217 been inspected. (You have 15 minutes.)
220 Describe the history of the papacy from its origins to the present
221 day, concentrating especially, but not exclusively, on its social, political,
222 economic, religious and philosophical impact upon Europe, Asia, America, and
223 Africa. Be brief, concise, and specific.
226 Create life. Estimate the differences in subsequent human culture
227 if this form of life had been created 500 million years ago or earlier, with
228 special attention to its probable effect on the English parliamentary system.
230 Pittsburgh driver's test
232 a) extremely dangerous.
234 c) the fault of the previous administration.
235 d) all going to be fixed next summer.
236 The correct answer is b.
237 Potholes destroy unpatriotic, unamerican, imported cars, since the holes
238 are larger than the cars. If you drive a big, patriotic, American car
239 you have nothing to worry about.
241 Pittsburgh driver's test
242 2: A traffic light at an intersection changes from yellow to red, you should
244 b) proceed slowly through the intersection.
247 The correct answer is d.
248 If you said c, you were almost right, so give yourself a half point.
250 Pittsburgh driver's test
251 3: When stopped at an intersection you should
252 a) watch the traffic light for your lane.
253 b) watch for pedestrians crossing the street.
255 d) watch the traffic light for the intersecting street.
256 The correct answer is d.
257 You need to start as soon as the traffic light for the intersecting
259 Answer c is worth a half point.
261 Pittsburgh driver's test
267 The correct answer is b.
268 The meddling Washington eco-freak communist bureaucrats who say otherwise
269 are liars. (Message to those who answered d. Go back to California where
270 you came from. Your kind are not welcome here.)
272 Pittsburgh driver's test
273 5: Your car's horn is a vital piece of safety equipment.
274 How often should you test it?
279 The correct answer is d.
280 You should test your car's horn at least once every hour,
281 and more often at night or in residential neighborhoods.
283 Pittsburgh driver's test
284 7: The car directly in front of you has a flashing right tail light
285 but a steady left tail light. This means
286 a) One of the tail lights is broken. You should blow your
287 horn to call the problem to the driver's attention.
288 b) The driver is signaling a right turn.
289 c) The driver is signaling a left turn.
290 d) The driver is from out of town.
291 The correct answer is d.
292 Tail lights are used in some foreign countries to signal turns.
294 Pittsburgh driver's test
299 d) difficult to clean off the front grille.
300 The correct answer is a. Pedestrians are not in cars, so they
301 are totally irrelevant to driving, and you should ignore them
304 Pittsburgh driver's test
305 9: Roads are salted in order to
310 The correct answer is c.
311 Road salting employs thousands of persons directly, and millions more
312 indirectly, for example, salt miners and rustproofers. Most important,
313 salting reduces the life spans of cars, thus stimulating the car and
329 _--~~~#####// \\#####~~~--_
330 _-~##########// ( ) \\##########~-_
331 -############// :\^^/: \\############-
332 _~############// (@::@) \\############~_
333 ~#############(( \\// ))#############~
334 -###############\\ (^^) //###############-
335 -#################\\ / "" \ //#################-
336 -###################\\/ \//###################-
337 _#/:##########/\######( /\ )######/\##########:\#_
338 :/ :#/\#/\#/\/ \#/\##\ : : /##/\#/ \/\#/\#/\#: \:
339 " :/ V V " V \#\: : : :/#/ V " V V \: "
340 " " " " \ : : : : / " " " "
342 Has your family tried 'em?
346 Heavens, they're tasty and expeditious!
348 They're made from whole wheat, to give shy persons the
349 strength to get up and do what needs to be done.
353 Buy them ready-made in the big blue box with the picture of the
354 biscuit on the front, or in the brown bag with the dark stains
355 that indicate freshness.
357 THE STORY OF CREATION
361 In the beginning there was data. The data was without form and null,
362 and darkness was upon the face of the console; and the Spirit of IBM
363 was moving over the face of the market. And DEC said, "Let there be
364 registers"; and there were registers. And DEC saw that they carried;
365 and DEC separated the data from the instructions. DEC called the data
366 Stack, and the instructions they called Code. And there was evening
367 and there was morning, one interrupt ...
370 A Severe Strain on the Credulity
372 As a method of sending a missile to the higher, and even to the highest
373 parts of the earth's atmospheric envelope, Professor Goddard's rocket
374 is a practicable and therefore promising device. It is when one
375 considers the multiple-charge rocket as a traveler to the moon that one
376 begins to doubt ... for after the rocket quits our air and really
377 starts on its journey, its flight would be neither accelerated nor
378 maintained by the explosion of the charges it then might have left.
379 Professor Goddard, with his "chair" in Clark College and countenancing
380 of the Smithsonian Institution, does not know the relation of action to
381 re-action, and of the need to have something better than a vacuum
382 against which to react ... Of course he only seems to lack the
383 knowledge ladled out daily in high schools.
384 -- New York Times Editorial, 1920
388 If all the salmon caught in Canada in one year were laid end to end
389 across the Sahara Desert, the smell would be absolutely awful.
393 There is so much sand in Northern Africa that if it were spread out it
394 would completely cover the Sahara Desert.
396 Another Glitch in the Call
397 ------- ------ -- --- ----
398 (Sung to the tune of the classic Pink Floyd song.)
400 We don't need no indirection
401 We don't need no flow control
402 No data typing or declarations
403 Did you leave the lists alone?
405 Hey! Hacker! Leave those lists alone!
408 All in all, it's just a pure-LISP function call.
409 All in all, it's just a pure-LISP function call.
411 Answers to Last Fortune's Questions:
413 (1) None. (Moses didn't have an ark).
414 (2) Your mother, by the pigeonhole principle.
417 (5) 6 (or maybe 4, or else 3). Mr. Alfred J. Duncan of Podunk,
418 Montana, submitted an interesting solution to Problem 5.
419 (6) There is an interesting solution to this problem on page 1029 of my
420 book, which you can pick up for $23.95 at finer bookstores and
421 bathroom supply outlets (or 99 cents at the table in front of
426 Go placidly amid the noise and waste,
427 And remember what comfort there may be in owning a piece thereof.
428 Avoid quiet and passive persons, unless you are in need of sleep.
430 Speak glowingly of those greater than yourself,
431 And heed well their advice -- even though they be turkeys.
432 Know what to kiss -- and when.
433 Remember that two wrongs never make a right,
435 Wherever possible, put people on "HOLD".
436 Be comforted, that in the face of all aridity and disillusionment,
437 And despite the changing fortunes of time,
438 There is always a big future in computer maintenance.
440 You are a fluke of the universe ...
441 You have no right to be here.
442 Whether you can hear it or not, the universe
443 Is laughing behind your back.
447 (Sung to the tune of "Rubber Duckie")
449 Double bucky, you're the one!
450 You make my keyboard lots of fun
451 Double bucky, an additional bit or two:
453 Control and Meta side by side,
454 Augmented ASCII, nine bits wide!
455 Double bucky, a half a thousand glyphs, plus a few!
457 Oh, I sure wish that I,
458 Had a couple of bits more!
459 Perhaps a set of pedals to make the number of bits four.
461 Double bucky, left and right
462 OR'd together, outta sight!
463 Double bucky, I'd like a whole word of
464 Double bucky, I'm happy I heard of
465 Double bucky, I'd like a whole word of you!
466 -- Guy L. Steele, Jr., (C) 1978
467 (to Nicholas Wirth, who suggested that an extra bit
468 be added to terminal codes on 36-bit machines for use
471 Gimmie That Old Time Religion
472 We will follow Zarathustra, We will worship like the Druids,
473 Zarathustra like we use to, Dancing naked in the woods,
474 I'm a Zarathustra booster, Drinking strange fermented fluids,
475 And he's good enough for me! And it's good enough for me!
478 In the church of Aphrodite,
479 The priestess wears a see-through nightie,
480 She's a mighty righteous sightie,
481 And she's good enough for me!
484 CHORUS: Give me that old time religion,
485 Give me that old time religion,
486 Give me that old time religion,
487 'Cause it's good enough for me!
489 Hard Copies and Chmod
491 And everyone thinks computers are impersonal
492 cold diskdrives hardware monitors
493 user-hostile software
495 of course they're only bits and bytes
496 and characters and strings
499 just some old textfiles from my old boyfriend
500 telling me he loves me and
501 he'll take care of me
503 simply a discarded printout of a friend's directory
504 deep intimate secrets and
505 how he doesn't trust me
507 couldn't hurt me more if they were scented in lavender or mould
508 on personal stationery
509 -- terri@csd4.milw.wisc.edu
512 The Beverly Hills Freudians tied the Chicago Rogerians 0-0 last
513 Saturday night. The match started with a long period of silence while
514 the Freudians waited for the Rogerians to free associate and the
515 Rogerians waited for the Freudians to say something they could
516 paraphrase. The stalemate was broken when the Freudians' best player
517 took the offensive and interpreted the Rogerians' silence as reflecting
518 their anal-retentive personalities. At this the Rogerians' star player
519 said "I hear you saying you think we're full of ka-ka." This started a
520 fight and the match was called by officials.
522 `O' LEVEL COUNTER CULTURE
523 Timewarp allowed: 3 hours. Do not scrawl situationalist graffiti in the
524 margins or stub your rollups in the inkwells. Orange may be worn. Credit
525 will be given to candidates who self-actualize.
527 1: Compare and contrast Pink Floyd with Black Sabbath and say why
528 neither has street credibility.
529 2: "Even Buddha would have been hard pushed to reach Nirvana squatting
530 on a juggernaut route." Consider the dialectic of inner truth and inner
532 3: Discuss degree of hassle involved in paranoia about being sucked
534 4: "The Egomaniac's Liberation Front were a bunch of revisionist
535 ripoff merchants." Comment on this insult.
536 5: Account for the lack of references to brown rice in Dylan's lyrics.
537 6: "Castenada was a bit of a bozo." How far is this a fair summing
538 up of western dualism?
539 7: Hermann Hesse was a Pisces. Discuss.
542 Twas FORTRAN as the doloop goes
543 Did logzerneg the ifthen block
544 All kludgy were the function flows
545 And subroutines adhoc.
547 Beware the runtime-bug my friend
548 squrooneg, the false goto
549 Beware the infiniteloop
550 And shun the inprectoo.
552 Safety Tips for the Post-Nuclear Existence
553 Tip #1: How to tell when you are dead.
555 (1) Little things start bothering you: little things like worms, bugs,
557 (2) Something is missing in your personal relationships.
558 (3) Your dog becomes overly affectionate.
559 (4) You have a hard time getting a waiter.
560 (5) Exotic birds flock around you.
561 (6) People ignore you at parties.
562 (7) You have a hard time getting up in the morning.
563 (8) You no longer get off on cocaine.
565 Safety Tips for the Post-Nuclear Existence
566 (1) Never use an elevator in a building that has been hit by a nuclear
567 bomb; use the stairs.
568 (2) When you're flying through the air, remember to roll when you hit
570 (3) If you're on fire, avoid gasoline and other flammable materials.
571 (4) Don't attempt communication with dead people; it will only lead to
572 psychological problems.
573 (5) Food will be scarce; you will have to scavenge. Learn to
574 recognize foods that will be available after the bomb: mashed
575 potatoes, shredded wheat, tossed salad, ground beef, etc.
576 (6) Put your hand over your mouth when you sneeze; internal organs
577 will be scarce in the post-nuclear age.
578 (7) Try to be neat; fall only in designated piles.
579 (8) Drive carefully in "Heavy Fallout" areas; people could be
580 staggering illegally.
581 (9) Nutritionally, hundred dollar bills are equal to ones, but more
582 sanitary due to limited circulation.
583 (10) Accumulate mannequins now; spare parts will be in short supply on
586 The Guy on the Right Doesn't Stand a Chance
587 The guy on the right has the Osborne 1, a fully functional computer system
588 in a portable package the size of a briefcase. The guy on the left has an
589 Uzi submachine gun concealed in his attache case. Also in the case are four
590 fully loaded, 32-round clips of 125-grain 9mm ammunition. The owner of the
591 Uzi is going to get more tactical firepower delivered -- and delivered on
592 target -- in less time, and with less effort. All for $795. It's inevitable.
593 If you're going up against some guy with an Osborne 1 -- or any personal
594 computer -- he's the one who's in trouble. One round from an Uzi can zip
595 through ten inches of solid pine wood, so you can imagine what it will do
596 to structural foam acrylic and sheet aluminum. In fact, detachable magazines
597 for the Uzi are available in 25-, 32-, and 40-round capacities, so you can
598 take out an entire office full of Apple II or IBM Personal Computers tied
599 into Ethernet or other local-area networks. What about the new 16-bit
600 computers, like the Lisa and Fortune? Even with the Winchester backup,
601 they're no match for the Uzi. One quick burst and they'll find out what
602 Unix means. Make your commanding officer proud. Get an Uzi -- and come home
603 a winner in the fight for office automatic weapons.
604 -- "InfoWorld", June, 1984
607 Gimme Twinkies, gimme wine,
608 Gimme jeans by Calvin Klein...
609 But if you split those atoms fine,
610 Mama keep 'em off those genes of mine!
611 Gimme zits, take my dough,
612 Gimme arsenic in my jelly roll...
613 Call the devil and sell my soul,
614 But Mama keep dem atoms whole!
617 The Three Major Kind of Tools
619 * Tools for hitting things to make them loose or to tighten them up or
620 jar their many complex, sophisticated electrical parts in such a
621 manner that they function perfectly. (These are your hammers, maces,
622 bludgeons, and truncheons.)
624 * Tools that, if dropped properly, can penetrate your foot. (Awls)
626 * Tools that nobody should ever use because the potential danger is far
627 greater than the value of any project that could possibly result.
628 (Power saws, power drills, power staplers, any kind of tool that uses
629 any kind of power more advanced than flashlight batteries.)
630 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
632 (to "The Caissons Go Rolling Along")
633 Scratch the disks, dump the core, Shut it down, pull the plug
634 Roll the tapes across the floor, Give the core an extra tug
635 And the system is going to crash. And the system is going to crash.
636 Teletypes smashed to bits. Mem'ry cards, one and all,
637 Give the scopes some nasty hits Toss out halfway down the hall
638 And the system is going to crash. And the system is going to crash.
639 And we've also found Just flip one switch
640 When you turn the power down, And the lights will cease to twitch
641 You turn the disk readers into trash. And the tape drives will crumble
643 Oh, it's so much fun, When the CPU
644 Now the CPU won't run Can print nothing out but "foo,"
645 And the system is going to crash. The system is going to crash.
647 'Twas the Night before Crisis
649 'Twas the night before crisis, and all through the house,
650 Not a program was working not even a browse.
651 The programmers were wrung out too mindless to care,
652 Knowing chances of cutover hadn't a prayer.
653 The users were nestled all snug in their beds,
654 While visions of inquiries danced in their heads.
655 When out in the lobby there arose such a clatter,
656 I sprang from my tube to see what was the matter.
657 And what to my wondering eyes should appear,
658 But a Super Programmer, oblivious to fear.
659 More rapid than eagles, his programs they came,
660 And he whistled and shouted and called them by name;
661 On Update! On Add! On Inquiry! On Delete!
662 On Batch Jobs! On Closing! On Functions Complete!
663 His eyes were glazed over, his fingers were lean,
664 From Weekends and nights in front of a screen.
665 A wink of his eye, and a twist of his head,
666 Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread...
668 What I Did During My Fall Semester
669 On the first day of my fall semester, I got up.
670 Then I went to the library to find a thesis topic.
671 Then I hung out in front of the Dover.
673 On the second day of my fall semester, I got up.
674 Then I went to the library to find a thesis topic.
675 Then I hung out in front of the Dover.
677 On the third day of my fall semester, I got up.
678 Then I went to the library to find a thesis topic.
679 I found a thesis topic:
680 How to keep people from hanging out in front of the Dover.
681 -- Sister Mary Elephant,
682 "Student Statement for Black Friday"
684 William Safire's Rules for Writers:
686 Remember to never split an infinitive. The passive voice should never
687 be used. Do not put statements in the negative form. Verbs has to
688 agree with their subjects. Proofread carefully to see if you words
689 out. If you reread your work, you can find on rereading a great deal
690 of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing. A writer must
691 not shift your point of view. And don't start a sentence with a
692 conjunction. (Remember, too, a preposition is a terrible word to end a
693 sentence with.) Don't overuse exclamation marks!! Place pronouns as
694 close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of 10 or more
695 words, to their antecedents. Writing carefully, dangling participles
696 must be avoided. If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a
697 linking verb is. Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing
698 metaphors. Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky. Everyone should
699 be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their
700 writing. Always pick on the correct idiom. The adverb always follows
701 the verb. Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague; seek
707 | z dz cos(3 * PI / 9) = ln (e )
711 The integral of z squared, dz
712 From 1 to the square root of 3
715 Is the log of the cube root of e
719 SUPERMAN SAVES DESSERT!
720 Plans to "Eat it later"
722 *** A NEW KIND OF PROGRAMMING ***
724 Do you want the instant respect that comes from being able to use technical
725 terms that nobody understands? Do you want to strike fear and loathing into
726 the hearts of DP managers everywhere? If so, then let the Famous Programmers'
727 School lead you on... into the world of professional computer programming.
728 They say a good programmer can write 20 lines of effective program per day.
729 With our unique training course, we'll show you how to write 20 lines of code
730 and lots more besides. Our training course covers every programming language
731 in existence, and some that aren't. You'll learn why the on/off switch for a
732 computer is so important, what the words *fatal error* mean, and who and what
733 you should blame when you make a mistake.
735 Yes, I want the brochure describing this incredible offer.
736 I enclose $1000 in small unmarked bills to cover the cost of
737 postage and handling. (No live poultry, please.)
739 *** Our Slogan: Top down programming for the masses. ***
741 A Plan for the Improvement of English Spelling
744 For example, in Year 1 that useless letter "c" would be dropped
745 to be replased either by "k" or "s", and likewise "x" would no longer
746 be part of the alphabet. The only kase in which "c" would be retained
747 would be the "ch" formation, which will be dealt with later. Year 2
748 might reform "w" spelling, so that "which" and "one" would take the
749 same konsonant, wile Year 3 might well abolish "y" replasing it with
750 "i" and Iear 4 might fiks the "g/j" anomali wonse and for all.
751 Jenerally, then, the improvement would kontinue iear bai iear
752 with Iear 5 doing awai with useless double konsonants, and Iears 6-12
753 or so modifaiing vowlz and the rimeining voist and unvoist konsonants.
754 Bai Iear 15 or sou, it wud fainali bi posibl tu meik ius ov thi
755 ridandant letez "c", "y" and "x" -- bai now jast a memori in the maindz
756 ov ould doderez -- tu riplais "ch", "sh", and "th" rispektivli.
757 Fainali, xen, aafte sam 20 iers ov orxogrefkl riform, wi wud
758 hev a lojikl, kohirnt speling in ius xrewawt xe Ingliy-spiking werld.
760 *** DO YOU HAVE A RESTLESS URGE TO PROGRAM? ***
761 Do you want the instant respect that comes from being able to use technical
762 terms that nobody understands? Do you want to strike fear and loathing into
763 the hearts of DP managers everywhere? If so, then let the Famous Programmers'
764 School lead you on... into the world of professional computer programming.
766 *** IS PROGRAMMING FOR YOU? ***
767 Programming is not for everyone. But, if you have the desire to learn, we can
768 help you get started. All you need is the Famous Programmers' Course and
769 enough money to keep those lessons coming month after month.
771 *** TAKE OUR FREE APTITUDE TEST ***
772 To help determine if you are qualified to be a programmer, take a moment to
773 try this simple test:
774 1: Write down the numbers from zero to nine and the first six letters
775 of the alphabet (Hint: 0123456789ABCDEF).
776 2: Whose picture is on the back of a twenty-dollar bill?
777 3: What is the state capital of Idaho?
778 If you managed to read all three questions without wondering why we asked
779 them, you may have a future as a computer programmer.
781 *** STUDENT SUCCESSES ***
783 Many of our students have gone on to achieve great success in all fields of
784 programming. One former student developed the concept of the personalized
785 form letter. Does the phrase, "Dear Mr.(insert name), You may already be a
786 winner!," sound familiar? Another student writes "After only five lessons I
787 sold a "My Most Unforgettable Program" article to Corrosive Computing magazine.
788 Another of our graduates writes, "I recently completed a database-management
789 program for my department manager. My program touched him so deeply that he
790 was speechless. He told me later that he had never seen such a program in
791 his entire career. Thank you, Famous Programmers' school; only you could
792 have made this possible." Send for our introductory brochure which explains
793 in vague detail the operation of the Famous Programmers' School, and you'll
794 be eligible to win a possible chance to enter a drawing, the winner of which
795 can vie for a set of free steak knives. If you don't do it now, you'll hate
796 yourself in the morning.
799 \a\a\a\a *** System shutdown message from root ***
801 System going down in 60 seconds
805 "... The name of the song is called 'Haddocks' Eyes'!"
806 "Oh, that's the name of the song, is it?" Alice said, trying to
808 "No, you don't understand," the Knight said, looking a little
809 vexed. "That's what the name is called. The name really is, 'The Aged
811 "Then I ought to have said "That's what the song is called'?"
812 Alice corrected herself.
813 "No, you oughtn't: that's quite another thing! The song is
814 called 'Ways and Means': but that's only what it is called you know!"
815 "Well, what is the song then?" said Alice, who was by this time
816 completely bewildered.
817 "I was coming to that," the Knight said. "The song really is
818 "A-sitting on a Gate": and the tune's my own invention."
819 -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass"
821 ... with liberty and justice for all who can afford it.
823 12 + 144 + 20 + 3(4) 2
824 ---------------------- + 5(11) = 9 + 0
827 A dozen, a gross and a score,
828 Plus three times the square root of four,
830 Plus five times eleven,
831 Equals nine squared plus zero, no more!
833 7,140 pounds on the Sun
834 97 pounds on Mercury or Mars
836 232 pounds on Venus or Uranus
837 43 pounds on the Moon
838 648 pounds on Jupiter
840 303 pounds on Neptune
843 -- How much Elvis Presley would weigh at various places
846 A boy scout troop went on a hike. Crossing over a stream, one of
847 the boys dropped his wallet into the water. Suddenly a carp jumped, grabbed
848 the wallet and tossed it to another carp. Then that carp passed it to
849 another carp, and all over the river carp appeared and tossed the wallet back
851 "Well, boys," said the Scout leader, "you've just seen a rare case
852 of carp-to-carp walleting."
854 A carpet installer decides to take a cigarette break after completing
855 the installation in the first of several rooms he has to do. Finding them
856 missing from his pocket he begins searching, only to notice a small lump in
857 his recently completed carpet-installation. Not wanting to pull up all that
858 work for a lousy pack of cigarettes he simply walks over and pounds the lump
859 flat. Foregoing the break, he continues on to the other rooms to be carpeted.
860 At the end of the day, while loading his tools into his truck, two
861 events occur almost simultaneously: he spies his pack of cigarettes on the
862 dashboard of the truck, and the lady of the house summons him imperiously:
863 "Have you seen my parakeet?"
865 A circus foreman was making the rounds inspecting the big top when
866 a scrawny little man entered the tent and walked up to him. "Are you the
867 foreman around here?" he asked timidly. "I'd like to join your circus; I
868 have what I think is a pretty good act."
869 The foreman nodded assent, whereupon the little man hurried over to
870 the main pole and rapidly climbed up to the very tip-top of the big top.
871 Drawing a deep breath, he hurled himself off into the air and began flapping
872 his arms furiously. Amazingly, rather than plummeting to his death the little
873 man began to fly all around the poles, lines, trapezes and other obstacles,
874 performing astounding feats of aerobatics which ended in a long power dive
875 from the top of the tent, pulling up into a gentle feet-first landing beside
876 the foreman, who had been nonchalantly watching the whole time.
877 "Well," puffed the little man. "What do you think?"
878 "That's all you do?" answered the foreman scornfully. "Bird
881 A crow perched himself on a telephone wire. He was going to make a
884 A disciple of another sect once came to Drescher as he was
885 eating his morning meal. "I would like to give you this personality
886 test", said the outsider, "because I want you to be happy."
887 Drescher took the paper that was offered him and put it into
888 the toaster -- "I wish the toaster to be happy too".
890 A doctor, an architect, and a computer scientist were arguing
891 about whose profession was the oldest. In the course of their
892 arguments, they got all the way back to the Garden of Eden, whereupon
893 the doctor said, "The medical profession is clearly the oldest, because
894 Eve was made from Adam's rib, as the story goes, and that was a simply
895 incredible surgical feat."
896 The architect did not agree. He said, "But if you look at the
897 Garden itself, in the beginning there was chaos and void, and out of
898 that, the Garden and the world were created. So God must have been an
900 The computer scientist, who had listened to all of this said,
901 "Yes, but where do you think the chaos came from?"
903 A domineering man married a mere wisp of a girl. He came back from
904 his honeymoon a chastened man. He'd become aware of the will of the wisp.
906 A farm in the country side had several turkeys, it was known as the
907 house of seven gobbles.
909 A farmer decides that his three sows should be bred, and contacts a
910 buddy down the road, who owns several boars. They agree on a stud fee, and
911 the farmer puts the sows in his pickup and takes them down the road to the
912 boars. He leaves them all day, and when he picks them up that night, asks
913 the man how he can tell if it "took" or not. The breeder replies that if,
914 the next morning, the sows were grazing on grass, they were pregnant, but if
915 they were rolling in the mud as usual, they probably weren't.
916 Comes the morn, the sows are rolling in the mud as usual, so the
917 farmer puts them in the truck and brings them back for a second full day of
918 frolic. This continues for a week, since each morning the sows are rolling
920 Around the sixth day, the farmer wakes up and tells his wife, "I
921 don't have the heart to look again. This is getting ridiculous. You check
922 today." With that, the wife peeks out the bedroom window and starts to laugh.
923 "What is it?" asks the farmer excitedly. "Are they grazing at last?"
924 "Nope." replies his wife. "Two of them are jumping up and down in
925 the back of your truck, and the other one is honking the horn!"
927 A father gave his teen-age daughter an untrained pedigreed pup for
928 her birthday. An hour later, when wandered through the house, he found her
929 looking at a puddle in the center of the kitchen. "My pup," she murmured
930 sadly, "runneth over."
932 A German, a Pole and a Czech left camp for a hike through the woods.
933 After being reported missing a day or two later, rangers found two bears,
934 one a male, one a female, looking suspiciously overstuffed. They killed
935 the female, autopsied her, and sure enough, found the German and the Pole.
936 "What do you think?" said the first ranger.
937 "The Czech is in the male," replied the second.
939 A group of soldiers being prepared for a practice landing on a tropical
940 island were warned of the one danger the island held, a poisonous snake that
941 could be readily identified by its alternating orange and black bands. They
942 were instructed, should they find one of these snakes, to grab the tail end of
943 the snake with one hand and slide the other hand up the body of the snake to
944 the snake's head. Then, forcefully, bend the thumb above the snake's head
945 downward to break the snake's spine. All went well for the landing, the
946 charge up the beach, and the move into the jungle. At one foxhole site, two
947 men were starting to dig and wondering what had happened to their partner.
948 Suddenly he staggered out of the underbrush, uniform in shreds, covered with
949 blood. He collapsed to the ground. His buddies were so shocked they could
950 only blurt out, "What happened?"
951 "I ran from the beachhead to the edge of the jungle, and, as I hit the
952 ground, I saw an orange and black striped snake right in front of me. I
953 grabbed its tail end with my left hand. I placed my right hand above my left
954 hand. I held firmly with my left hand and slid my right hand up the body of
955 the snake. When I reached the head of the snake I flicked my right thumb down
956 to break the snake's spine... did you ever goose a tiger?"
958 A guy returns from a long trip to Europe, having left his beloved
959 dog in his brother's care. The minute he's cleared customs, he calls up his
960 brother and inquires after his pet.
961 "Your dog's dead," replies his brother bluntly.
962 The guy is devastated. "You know how much that dog meant to me,"
963 he moaned into the phone. "Couldn't you at least have thought of a nicer way
964 of breaking the news? Couldn't you have said, `Well, you know, the dog got
965 outside one day, and was crossing the street, and a car was speeding around a
966 corner...' or something...? Why are you always so thoughtless?"
967 "Look, I'm sorry," said his brother, "I guess I just didn't think."
968 "Okay, okay, let's just put it behind us. How are you anyway?
970 His brother is silent a moment. "Uh," he stammers, "uh... Mom got
973 A guy walks into a pub and asks: "Does anyone here own a Doberman?
974 I feel really bad about this, but my Chihuahua just killed it."
975 A man leaps to his feet and replies, "Yes, I do, but how can that
976 be? I raised that dog from a pup to be a vicious killer."
977 "Yes, well, that's all well and good," replied the first, "but my
978 dog's stuck in its throat."
980 A hard-luck actor who appeared in one colossal disaster after another
981 finally got a break, a broken leg to be exact. Someone pointed out that it's
982 the first time the poor fellow's been in the same cast for more than a week.
984 A horse breeder has his young colts bottle-fed after they're three
985 days old. He heard that a foal and his mummy are soon parted.
987 A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked to add 2 and 2.
988 The housewife replied, "Four!".
989 The accountant said, "It's either 3 or 4. Let me run those figures
990 through my spread sheet one more time."
991 The lawyer pulled the drapes, dimmed the lights and asked in a
992 hushed voice, "How much do you want it to be?"
994 A lawyer named Strange was shopping for a tombstone. After he had
995 made his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he
996 would like on it. "Here lies an honest man and a lawyer," responded the
998 "Sorry, but I can't do that," replied the stonecutter. "In this
999 state, it's against the law to bury two people in the same grave. However,
1000 I could put `here lies an honest lawyer', if that would be okay."
1001 "But that won't let people know who it is" protested the lawyer.
1002 "Certainly will," retorted the stonecutter. "people will read it
1003 and exclaim, "That's Strange!"
1005 A little dog goes into a saloon in the Wild West, and beckons to
1006 the bartender. "Hey, bartender, gimmie a whiskey."
1007 The bartender ignores him.
1008 "Hey bartender, gimmie a whiskey."
1010 "HEY BARMAN!! GIMMIE A WHISKEY!!"
1011 The bartender takes out his six-shooter and shoots the dog in the
1012 leg, and the dog runs out the saloon, howling in pain.
1013 Three years later, the wee dog appears again, wearing boots,
1014 jeans, chaps, a Stetson, gun belt, and guns. He ambles slowly into the
1015 saloon, goes up to the bar, leans over it, and says to the bartender,
1016 "I'm here t'git the man that shot muh paw."
1018 A man enters a pet shop, seeking to purchase a parrot. He points
1019 to a fine colorful bird and asks how much it costs.
1020 When he is told it costs 70,000 zlotys, he whistles in amazement
1021 and asks why it is so much. "Well, the bird is fluent in Italian and
1022 French and can recite the periodic table." He points to another bird
1023 and is told that it costs 90,000 zlotys because it speaks French and
1024 German, can knit and can curse in Latin.
1025 Finally the customer asks about a drab gray bird. "Ah," he is
1026 told, "that one is 150,000."
1027 "Why, what can it do?" he asks.
1028 "Well," says the shopkeeper, "to tell you the truth, he doesn't
1029 do anything, but the other birds call him Mr. Secretary."
1030 -- being told in Poland, 1987
1032 A man from AI walked across the mountains to SAIL to see the Master,
1033 Knuth. When he arrived, the Master was nowhere to be found. "Where is the
1034 wise one named Knuth?" he asked a passing student.
1035 "Ah," said the student, "you have not heard. He has gone on a
1036 pilgrimage across the mountains to the temple of AI to seek out new
1038 Hearing this, the man was Enlightened.
1040 A man goes to a tailor to try on a new custom-made suit. The
1041 first thing he notices is that the arms are too long.
1042 "No problem," says the tailor. "Just bend them at the elbow
1043 and hold them out in front of you. See, now it's fine."
1044 "But the collar is up around my ears!"
1045 "It's nothing. Just hunch your back up a little ... no, a
1046 little more ... that's it."
1047 "But I'm stepping on my cuffs!" the man cries in desperation.
1048 "Nu, bend you knees a little to take up the slack. There you
1049 go. Look in the mirror -- the suit fits perfectly."
1050 So, twisted like a pretzel, the man lurches out onto the
1051 street. Reba and Florence see him go by.
1052 "Oh, look," says Reba, "that poor man!"
1053 "Yes," says Florence, "but what a beautiful suit."
1054 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
1056 A man met a beautiful young woman in a bar. They got along well,
1057 shared dinner, and had a marvelous evening. When he left her, he told her
1058 that he had really enjoyed their time together, and hoped to see her again,
1059 soon. Smiling yes, she gave him her phone number.
1060 The next day, he called her up and asked her to go dancing. She
1061 agreed. As they talked, he jokingly asked her what her favorite flower was.
1062 Realizing his intentions, she told him that he shouldn't bring her flowers
1063 -- if he wanted to bring her a gift, well, he should bring her a Swiss Army
1065 Surprised, and not a little intrigued, he spent a large part of the
1066 afternoon finding a particularly unusual one. Arriving at her apartment
1067 he immediately presented her with the knife. She ooohed and ahhhed over it
1068 for a minute, and then carefully placed it in a drawer, that the man couldn't
1069 help but see was full of Swiss Army knives.
1070 Surprised, he asked her why she had collected so many.
1071 "Well, I'm young and attractive now", blushed the woman, "but that
1072 won't always be true. And boy scouts will do anything for a Swiss Army knife!"
1074 A man pleaded innocent of any wrong doing when caught by the police
1075 during a raid at the home of a mobster, excusing himself by claiming that he
1076 was making a bolt for the door.
1078 A man sank into the psychiatrist's couch and said, "I have a
1079 terrible problem, Doctor. I have a son at Harvard and another son at
1080 Princeton; I've just gifted each of them with a new Ferrari; I've got
1081 homes in Beverly Hills, Palm Beach, and a co-op in New York; and I've
1082 got a thriving ranch in Venezuela. My wife is a gorgeous young actress
1083 who considers my two mistresses to be her best friends."
1084 The psychiatrist looked at the patient, confused. "Did I miss
1085 something? It sounds to me like you have no problems at all."
1086 "But, Doctor, I only make $175 a week."
1088 A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender,
1089 "Do you serve lawyers here?".
1090 "Sure do," replied the bartender.
1091 "Good," said the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for
1094 A man was reading The Canterbury Tales one Saturday morning, when his
1095 wife asked "What have you got there?" Replied he, "Just my cup and Chaucer."
1097 A man who keeps stealing mopeds is an obvious cycle-path.
1099 A manager asked a programmer how long it would take him to finish the
1100 program on which he was working. "I will be finished tomorrow," the programmer
1102 "I think you are being unrealistic," said the manager. "Truthfully,
1103 how long will it take?"
1104 The programmer thought for a moment. "I have some features that I wish
1105 to add. This will take at least two weeks," he finally said.
1106 "Even that is too much to expect," insisted the manager, "I will be
1107 satisfied if you simply tell me when the program is complete."
1108 The programmer agreed to this.
1109 Several years slated, the manager retired. On the way to his
1110 retirement lunch, he discovered the programmer asleep at his terminal.
1111 He had been programming all night.
1112 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
1114 A manager was about to be fired, but a programmer who worked for him
1115 invented a new program that became popular and sold well. As a result, the
1116 manager retained his job.
1117 The manager tried to give the programmer a bonus, but the programmer
1118 refused it, saying, "I wrote the program because I though it was an interesting
1119 concept, and thus I expect no reward."
1120 The manager, upon hearing this, remarked, "This programmer, though he
1121 holds a position of small esteem, understands well the proper duty of an
1122 employee. Lets promote him to the exalted position of management consultant!"
1123 But when told this, the programmer once more refused, saying, "I exist
1124 so that I can program. If I were promoted, I would do nothing but waste
1125 everyone's time. Can I go now? I have a program that I'm working on."
1126 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
1128 A manager went to his programmers and told them: "As regards to your
1129 work hours: you are going to have to come in at nine in the morning and leave
1130 at five in the afternoon." At this, all of them became angry and several
1131 resigned on the spot.
1132 So the manager said: "All right, in that case you may set your own
1133 working hours, as long as you finish your projects on schedule." The
1134 programmers, now satisfied, began to come in a noon and work to the wee
1135 hours of the morning.
1136 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
1138 A manager went to the master programmer and showed him the requirements
1139 document for a new application. The manager asked the master: "How long will
1140 it take to design this system if I assign five programmers to it?"
1141 "It will take one year," said the master promptly.
1142 "But we need this system immediately or even sooner! How long will it
1143 take it I assign ten programmers to it?"
1144 The master programmer frowned. "In that case, it will take two years."
1145 "And what if I assign a hundred programmers to it?"
1146 The master programmer shrugged. "Then the design will never be
1147 completed," he said.
1148 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
1150 A master programmer passed a novice programmer one day. The master
1151 noted the novice's preoccupation with a hand-held computer game. "Excuse me",
1152 he said, "may I examine it?"
1153 The novice bolted to attention and handed the device to the master.
1154 "I see that the device claims to have three levels of play: Easy, Medium,
1155 and Hard", said the master. "Yet every such device has another level of play,
1156 where the device seeks not to conquer the human, nor to be conquered by the
1158 "Pray, great master," implored the novice, "how does one find this
1159 mysterious setting?"
1160 The master dropped the device to the ground and crushed it under foot.
1161 And suddenly the novice was enlightened.
1162 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
1164 A master was explaining the nature of the Tao to one of his
1165 novices. "The Tao is embodied in all software -- regardless of how
1166 insignificant," said the master.
1168 "Is Tao in a hand-held calculator?" asked the novice.
1170 "It is," came the reply.
1172 "Is the Tao in a video game?" continued the novice.
1174 "It is even in a video game," said the master.
1176 "And is the Tao in the DOS for a personal computer?"
1178 The master coughed and shifted his position slightly. "The
1179 lesson is over for today," he said.
1180 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
1184 Aesop's fables and other traditional children's stories involve allegory
1185 far too subtle for the youth of today. Children need an updated message
1186 with contemporary circumstance and plot line, and short enough to suit
1187 today's minute attention span.
1189 The Troubled Aardvark
1191 Once upon a time, there was an aardvark whose only pleasure in life was
1192 driving from his suburban bungalow to his job at a large brokerage house
1193 in his brand new 4x4. He hated his manipulative boss, his conniving and
1194 unethical co-workers, his greedy wife, and his snivelling, spoiled
1195 children. One day, the aardvark reflected on the meaning of his life and
1196 his career and on the unchecked, catastrophic decline of his nation, its
1197 pathetic excuse for leadership, and the complete ineffectiveness of any
1198 personal effort he could make to change the status quo. Overcome by a
1199 wave of utter depression and self-doubt, he decided to take the only
1200 course of action that would bring him greater comfort and happiness: he
1201 drove to the mall and bought imported consumer electronics goods.
1203 MORAL OF THE STORY: Invest in foreign consumer electronics manufacturers.
1206 A musical reviewer admitted he always praised the first show of a
1207 new theatrical season. "Who am I to stone the first cast?"
1209 A musician of more ambition than talent composed an elegy at
1210 the death of composer Edward MacDowell. She played the elegy for the
1211 pianist Josef Hoffman, then asked his opinion. "Well, it's quite
1212 nice," he replied, but don't you think it would be better if ..."
1213 "If what?" asked the composer.
1214 "If ... if you had died and MacDowell had written the elegy?"
1216 A novel approach is to remove all power from the system, which
1217 removes most system overhead so that resources can be fully devoted to
1218 doing nothing. Benchmarks on this technique are promising; tremendous
1219 amounts of nothing can be produced in this manner. Certain hardware
1220 limitations can limit the speed of this method, especially in the
1221 larger systems which require a more involved & less efficient
1222 power-down sequence.
1223 An alternate approach is to pull the main breaker for the
1224 building, which seems to provide even more nothing, but in truth has
1225 bugs in it, since it usually inhibits the systems which keep the beer
1228 A novice asked the Master: "Here is a programmer that never designs,
1229 documents, or tests his programs. Yet all who know him consider him one of
1230 the best programmers in the world. Why is this?"
1231 The Master replies: "That programmer has mastered the Tao. He has
1232 gone beyond the need for design; he does not become angry when the system
1233 crashes, but accepts the universe without concern. He has gone beyond the
1234 need for documentation; he no longer cares if anyone else sees his code. He
1235 has gone beyond the need for testing; each of his programs are perfect within
1236 themselves, serene and elegant, their purpose self-evident. Truly, he has
1237 entered the mystery of the Tao."
1238 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
1240 A novice asked the master: "I have a program that sometimes runs and
1241 sometimes aborts. I have followed the rules of programming, yet I am totally
1242 baffled. What is the reason for this?"
1243 The master replied: "You are confused because you do not understand
1244 the Tao. Only a fool expects rational behavior from his fellow humans. Why
1245 do you expect it from a machine that humans have constructed? Computers
1246 simulate determinism; only the Tao is perfect.
1247 The rules of programming are transitory; only the Tao is eternal.
1248 Therefore you must contemplate the Tao before you receive enlightenment."
1249 "But how will I know when I have received enlightenment?" asked the
1251 "Your program will then run correctly," replied the master.
1252 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
1254 A novice asked the master: "I perceive that one computer company is
1255 much larger than all others. It towers above its competition like a giant
1256 among dwarfs. Any one of its divisions could comprise an entire business.
1258 The master replied, "Why do you ask such foolish questions? That
1259 company is large because it is so large. If it only made hardware, nobody
1260 would buy it. If it only maintained systems, people would treat it like a
1261 servant. But because it combines all of these things, people think it one
1262 of the gods! By not seeking to strive, it conquers without effort."
1263 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
1265 A novice asked the master: "In the east there is a great tree-structure
1266 that men call 'Corporate Headquarters'. It is bloated out of shape with
1267 vice-presidents and accountants. It issues a multitude of memos, each saying
1268 'Go, Hence!' or 'Go, Hither!' and nobody knows what is meant. Every year new
1269 names are put onto the branches, but all to no avail. How can such an
1270 unnatural entity exist?"
1271 The master replies: "You perceive this immense structure and are
1272 disturbed that it has no rational purpose. Can you not take amusement from
1273 its endless gyrations? Do you not enjoy the untroubled ease of programming
1274 beneath its sheltering branches? Why are you bothered by its uselessness?"
1275 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
1277 A novice programmer was once assigned to code a simple financial
1279 The novice worked furiously for many days, but when his master
1280 reviewed his program, he discovered that it contained a screen editor, a set
1281 of generalized graphics routines, and artificial intelligence interface,
1282 but not the slightest mention of anything financial.
1283 When the master asked about this, the novice became indignant.
1284 "Don't be so impatient," he said, "I'll put the financial stuff in eventually."
1285 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
1287 A Pole, a Soviet, an American, an Englishman and a Canadian were lost
1288 in a forest in the dead of winter. As they were sitting around a fire, they
1289 noticed a pack of wolves eyeing them hungrily.
1290 The Englishman volunteered to sacrifice himself for the rest of the
1291 party. He walked out into the night.
1292 The American, not wanting to be outdone by an Englishman, offered to
1293 be the next victim. The wolves eagerly accepted his offer, and devoured him,
1295 The Soviet, believing himself to be better than any American, turned
1296 to the Pole and says, "Well, comrade, I shall volunteer to give my life to
1297 save a fellow socialist." He leaves the shelter and goes out to be killed by
1299 At this point, the Pole opened his jacket and pulls out a machine gun.
1300 He takes aim in the general direction of the wolf pack and in a few seconds
1301 has killed them all.
1302 The Canadian asked the Pole, "Why didn't you do that before the others
1303 went out to be killed?
1304 The Pole pulls a bottle of vodka from the other side of his jacket.
1305 He smiles and replies, "Five men on one bottle -- too many."
1307 A priest was walking along the cliffs at Dover when he came
1308 upon two locals pulling another man ashore on the end of a rope.
1309 "That's what I like to see", said the priest, "A man helping his fellow
1311 As he was walking away, one local remarked to the other, "Well,
1312 he sure doesn't know the first thing about shark fishing."
1314 A program should be light and agile, its subroutines connected like a
1315 strings of pearls. The spirit and intent of the program should be retained
1316 throughout. There should be neither too little nor too much, neither needless
1317 loops nor useless variables, neither lack of structure nor overwhelming
1319 A program should follow the "Law of Least Astonishment". What is this
1320 law? It is simply that the program should always respond to the user in the
1321 way that astonishes him least.
1322 A program, no matter how complex, should act as a single unit. The
1323 program should be directed by the logic within rather than by outward
1325 If the program fails in these requirements, it will be in a state of
1326 disorder and confusion. The only way to correct this is to rewrite the
1328 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
1330 A programmer from a very large computer company went to a software
1331 conference and then returned to report to his manager, saying: "What sort
1332 of programmers work for other companies? They behaved badly and were
1333 unconcerned with appearances. Their hair was long and unkempt and their
1334 clothes were wrinkled and old. They crashed our hospitality suites and they
1335 made rude noises during my presentation."
1336 The manager said: "I should have never sent you to the conference.
1337 Those programmers live beyond the physical world. They consider life absurd,
1338 an accidental coincidence. They come and go without knowing limitations.
1339 Without a care, they live only for their programs. Why should they bother
1340 with social conventions?"
1341 "They are alive within the Tao."
1342 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
1344 A pushy romeo asked a gorgeous elevator operator, "Don't all these
1345 stops and starts get you pretty worn out?" "It isn't the stops and starts
1346 that get on my nerves, it's the jerks."
1348 A ranger was walking through the forest and encountered a hunter
1349 carrying a shotgun and a dead loon. "What in the world do you think you're
1350 doing? Don't you know that the loon is on the endangered species list?"
1351 Instead of answering, the hunter showed the ranger his game bag,
1352 which contained twelve more loons.
1353 "Why would you shoot loons?", the ranger asked.
1354 "Well, my family eats them and I sell the plumage."
1355 "What's so special about a loon? What does it taste like?"
1356 "Oh, somewhere between an American Bald Eagle and a Trumpeter Swan."
1358 A reader reports that when the patient died, the attending doctor
1359 recorded the following on the patient's chart: "Patient failed to fulfill
1360 his wellness potential."
1362 Another doctor reports that in a recent issue of the *American Journal
1363 of Family Practice* fleas were called "hematophagous arthropod vectors."
1365 A reader reports that the Army calls them "vertically deployed anti-
1366 personnel devices." You probably call them bombs.
1368 At McClellan Air Force base in Sacramento, California, civilian
1369 mechanics were placed on "non-duty, non-pay status." That is, they were fired.
1371 After taking the trip of a lifetime, our reader sent his twelve rolls
1372 of film to Kodak for developing (or "processing," as Kodak likes to call it)
1373 only to receive the following notice: "We must report that during the handling
1374 of your twelve 35mm Kodachrome slide orders, the films were involved in an
1375 unusual laboratory experience." The use of the passive is a particularly nice
1376 touch, don't you think? Nobody did anything to the films; they just had a bad
1377 experience. Of course our reader can always go back to Tibet and take his
1378 pictures all over again, using the twelve replacement rolls Kodak so generously
1380 -- Quarterly Review of Doublespeak (NCTE)
1382 A reverend wanted to telephone another reverend. He told the operator,
1383 "This is a parson to parson call."
1384 A farmer with extremely prolific hens posted the following sign. "Free
1385 Chickens. Our Coop Runneth Over."
1386 Two brothers, Mort and Bill, like to sail. While Bill has a great
1387 deal of experience, he certainly isn't the rigger Mort is.
1388 Inheritance taxes are getting so out of line, that the deceased family
1389 often doesn't have a legacy to stand on.
1390 The judge fined the jaywalker fifty dollars and told him if he was
1391 caught again, he would be thrown in jail. Fine today, cooler tomorrow.
1392 A rock store eventually closed down; they were taking too much for
1395 A Scotsman was strolling across High Street one day wearing his kilt.
1396 As he neared the far curb, he noticed two young blondes in a red convertible
1397 eyeing him and giggling. One of them called out, "Hey, Scotty! What's worn
1399 He strolled over to the side of the car and asked, "Ach, lass, are you
1400 SURE you want to know?" Somewhat nervously, the blonde replied yes, she did
1401 really want to know.
1402 The Scotsman leaned closer and confided, "Why, lass, nothing's worn
1403 under the kilt, everything's in perfect workin' order!"
1405 A sheet of paper crossed my desk the other day and as I read it,
1406 realization of a basic truth came over me. So simple! So obvious we couldn't
1407 see it. John Knivlen, Chairman of Palomar Repeater Club, an amateur radio
1408 group, had discovered how IC circuits work. He says that smoke is the thing
1409 that makes ICs work because every time you let the smoke out of an IC circuit,
1410 it stops working. He claims to have verified this with thorough testing.
1411 I was flabbergasted! Of course! Smoke makes all things electrical
1412 work. Remember the last time smoke escaped from your Lucas voltage regulator
1413 Didn't it quit working? I sat and smiled like an idiot as more of the truth
1414 dawned. It's the wiring harness that carries the smoke from one device to
1415 another in your Mini, MG or Jag. And when the harness springs a leak, it lets
1416 the smoke out of everything at once, and then nothing works. The starter motor
1417 requires large quantities of smoke to operate properly, and that's why the wire
1418 going to it is so large.
1419 Feeling very smug, I continued to expand my hypothesis. Why are Lucas
1420 electronics more likely to leak than say Bosch? Hmmm... Aha!!! Lucas is
1421 British, and all things British leak! British convertible tops leak water,
1422 British engines leak oil, British displacer units leak hydrostatic fluid, and
1423 I might add British tires leak air, and the British defense unit leaks
1424 secrets... so naturally British electronics leak smoke.
1425 -- Jack Banton, PCC Automotive Electrical School
1427 A shy teenage boy finally worked up the nerve to give a gift to
1428 Madonna, a young puppy. It hitched its waggin' to a star.
1429 A girl spent a couple hours on the phone talking to her two best
1430 friends, Maureen Jones, and Maureen Brown. When asked by her father why she
1431 had been on the phone so long, she responded "I heard a funny story today
1432 and I've been telling it to the Maureens."
1433 Three actors, Tom, Fred, and Cec, wanted to do the jousting scene
1434 from Don Quixote for a local TV show. "I'll play the title role," proposed
1435 Tom. "Fred can portray Sancho Panza, and Cecil B. De Mille."
1437 A woman was in love with fourteen soldiers, it was clearly platoonic.
1439 A woman was married to a golfer. One day she asked, "If I were
1440 to die, would you remarry?"
1441 After some thought, the man replied, "Yes, I've been very happy in
1442 this marriage and I would want to be this happy again."
1443 The wife asked, "Would you give your new wife my car?"
1444 "Yes," he replied. "That's a good car and it runs well."
1445 "Well, would you live in this house?"
1446 "Yes, it is a lovely house and you have decorated it beautifully.
1447 I've always loved it here."
1448 "Well, would you give her my golf clubs?"
1451 "She's left handed."
1453 A young honeymoon couple were touring southern Florida and happened
1454 to stop at one of the rattlesnake farms along the road. After seeing the
1455 sights, they engaged in small talk with the man that handled the snakes.
1456 "Gosh!" exclaimed the new bride. "You certainly have a dangerous job.
1457 Don't you ever get bitten by the snakes?"
1458 "Yes, upon rare occasions," answered the handler.
1459 "Well," she continued, "just what do you do when you're bitten by
1461 "I always carry a razor-sharp knife in my pocket, and as soon as I
1462 am bitten, I make deep criss-cross marks across the fang entry and then
1463 suck the poison from the wound."
1464 "What, uh... what would happen if you were to accidentally *sit* on
1465 a rattler?" persisted the woman.
1466 "Ma'am," answered the snake handler, "that will be the day I learn
1467 who my real friends are."
1469 A young husband with an inferiority complex insisted he was just a
1470 little pebble on the beach. The marriage counselor told him, "If you wish to
1471 save your marriage, you'd better be a little boulder."
1473 A young married couple had their first child. Their original pride
1474 and joy slowly turned to concern however, for after a couple of years the
1475 child had never uttered any form of speech. They hired the best speech
1476 therapists, doctors, psychiatrists, all to no avail. The child simply refused
1477 to speak. One morning when the child was five, while the husband was reading
1478 the paper, and the wife was feeding the dog, the little kid looks up from
1479 his bowl and said, "My cereal's cold."
1480 The couple is stunned. The man, in tears, confronts his son. "Son,
1481 after all these years, why have you waited so long to say something?".
1482 Shrugs the kid, "Everything's been okay 'til now".
1484 After his Ignoble Disgrace, Satan was being expelled from
1485 Heaven. As he passed through the Gates, he paused a moment in thought,
1486 and turned to God and said, "A new creature called Man, I hear, is soon
1488 "This is true," He replied.
1489 "He will need laws," said the Demon slyly.
1490 "What! You, his appointed Enemy for all Time! You ask for the
1491 right to make his laws?"
1492 "Oh, no!" Satan replied, "I ask only that he be allowed to
1495 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
1497 After sifting through the overwritten remaining blocks of Luke's home
1498 directory, Luke and PDP-1 sped away from /u/lars, across the surface of the
1499 Winchester riding Luke's flying read/write head. PDP-1 had Luke stop at the
1500 edge of the cylinder overlooking /usr/spool/uucp.
1501 "Unix-to-Unix Copy Program;" said PDP-1. "You will never find a more
1502 wretched hive of bugs and flamers. We must be cautious."
1505 After the Children of Israel had wandered for thirty-nine years in
1506 the wilderness, Ferdinand Feghoot arrived to make sure that they
1507 would finally find and enter the Promised Land. With him, he brought his
1508 favorite robot, faithful old Yewtoo Artoo, to carry his gear and do assorted
1510 The Israelites soon got over their initial fear of the robot and,
1511 as the months passed, became very fond of him. Patriarchs took to
1512 discussing abstruse theological problems with him, and each evening the
1513 children all gathered to hear the many stories with which he was programmed.
1514 Therefore it came as a great shock to them when, just as their journey was
1515 ending, he abruptly wore out. Even Feghoot couldn't console them.
1516 "It may be true, Ferdinand Feghoot," said Moses, "that our friend
1517 Yewtoo Artoo was soulless, but we cannot believe it. He must be properly
1518 interred. We cannot embalm him as do the Egyptians. Nor have we wood for
1519 a coffin. But I do have a most splendid skin from one of Pharoah's own
1520 cattle. We shall bury him in it."
1521 Feghoot agreed. "Yes, let this be his last rusting place." "Rusting?"
1522 Moses cried. "Not in this dreadful dry desert!"
1523 "Ah!" sighed Ferdinand Feghoot, shedding a tear, "I fear you do not
1524 realize the full significance of Pharoah's oxhide!"
1525 -- Grendel Briarton "Through Time & Space With Ferdinand
1528 After watching an extremely attractive maternity-ward patient
1529 earnestly thumbing her way through a telephone directory for several
1530 minutes, a hospital orderly finally asked if he could be of some help.
1531 "No, thanks," smiled the young mother, "I'm just looking for a
1533 "But the hospital supplies a special booklet that lists hundreds
1534 of first names and their meanings," said the orderly.
1535 "That won't help," said the woman, "my baby already has a first
1538 All that you touch, And all you create,
1539 All that you see, And all you destroy,
1540 All that you taste, All that you do,
1541 All you feel, And all you say,
1542 And all that you love, All that you eat,
1543 And all that you hate, And everyone you meet,
1544 All you distrust, All that you slight,
1545 All you save, And everyone you fight,
1546 And all that you give, And all that is now,
1547 And all that you deal, And all that is gone,
1548 All that you buy, And all that's to come,
1549 Beg, borrow or steal, And everything under the sun is
1551 But the sun is eclipsed
1554 There is no dark side of the moon... really... matter of fact it's all dark.
1555 -- Pink Floyd, "Dark Side of the Moon"
1557 America, Russia and Japan are sending up a two year shuttle mission
1558 with one astronaut from each country. Since it's going to be two long, lonely
1559 years up there, each may bring any form of entertainment weighing 150 pounds
1560 or less. The American approaches the NASA board and asks to take his 125 lb.
1562 The Japanese astronaut says, "I've always wanted to learn Latin. I
1563 want 100 lbs. of textbooks." The NASA board approves. The Russian astronaut
1564 thinks for a second and says, "Two years... all right, I want 150 pounds of
1565 the best Cuban cigars ever made." Again, NASA okays it.
1566 Two years later, the shuttle lands and everyone is gathered outside
1567 to welcome back the astronauts. Well, it's obvious what the American's been
1568 up to, he and his wife are each holding an infant. The crowd cheers. The
1569 Japanese astronaut steps out and makes a 10 minute speech in absolutely
1570 perfect Latin. The crowd doesn't understand a word of it, but they're
1571 impressed and they cheer again. The Russian astronaut stomps out, clenches
1572 the podium until his knuckles turn white, glares at the first row and
1573 screams: "Anybody got a match?"
1575 An airplane pilot got engaged to two very pretty women at the same
1576 time. One was named Edith; the other named Kate. They met, discovered they
1577 had the same fiancee, and told him. "Get out of our lives you rascal. We'll
1578 teach you that you can't have your Kate and Edith, too."
1580 An architect's first work is apt to be spare and clean. He
1581 knows he doesn't know what he's doing, so he does it carefully and with
1583 As he designs the first work, frill after frill and
1584 embellishment after embellishment occur to him. These get stored away
1585 to be used "next time". Sooner or later the first system is finished,
1586 and the architect, with firm confidence and a demonstrated mastery of
1587 that class of systems, is ready to build a second system.
1588 This second is the most dangerous system a man ever designs.
1589 When he does his third and later ones, his prior experiences will
1590 confirm each other as to the general characteristics of such systems,
1591 and their differences will identify those parts of his experience that
1592 are particular and not generalizable.
1593 The general tendency is to over-design the second system, using
1594 all the ideas and frills that were cautiously sidetracked on the first
1595 one. The result, as Ovid says, is a "big pile".
1596 -- Frederick Brooks, "The Mythical Man Month"
1598 An eighty-year-old woman is rocking away the afternoon on her
1599 porch when she sees an old, tarnished lamp sitting near the steps. She
1600 picks it up, rubs it gently, and lo and behold a genie appears! The genie
1601 tells the woman the he will grant her any three wishes her heart desires.
1602 After a bit of thought, she says, "I wish I were young and
1603 beautiful!" And POOF! In a cloud of smoke she becomes a young, beautiful,
1605 After a little more thought, she says, "I would like to be rich
1606 for the rest of my life." And POOF! When the smoke clears, there are
1607 stacks and stacks of money lying on the porch.
1608 The genie then says, "Now, madam, what is your final wish?"
1609 "Well," says the woman, "I would like for you to transform my
1610 faithful old cat, whom I have loved dearly for fifteen years, into a young
1612 And with another billow of smoke the cat is changed into a tall,
1613 handsome, young man, with dark hair, dressed in a dashing uniform.
1614 As they gaze at each other in adoration, the prince leans over to
1615 the woman and whispers into her ear, "Now, aren't you sorry you had me
1618 An elderly man stands in line for hours at a Warsaw meat store (meat
1619 is severely rationed). When the butcher comes out at the end of the day and
1620 announces that there is no meat left, the man flies into a rage.
1621 "What is this?" he shouts. "I fought against the Nazis, I worked hard
1622 all my life, I've been a loyal citizen, and now you tell me I can't even buy a
1623 piece of meat? This rotten system stinks!"
1624 Suddenly a thuggish man in a black leather coat sidles up and murmurs
1625 "Take it easy, comrade. Remember what would have happened if you had made an
1626 outburst like that only a few years ago" -- and he points an imaginary gun to
1627 this head and pulls the trigger.
1628 The old man goes home, and his wife says, "So they're out of meat
1630 "It's worse than that," he replies. "They're out of bullets."
1631 -- making the rounds in Warsaw, 1987
1633 An Englishman, a Frenchman and an American are captured by cannibals.
1634 The leader of the tribe comes up to them and says, "Even though you are about
1635 to killed, your deaths will not be in vain. Every part of your body will be
1636 used. Your flesh will be eaten, for my people are hungry. Your hair will be
1637 woven into clothing, for my people are naked. Your bones will be ground up
1638 and made into medicine, for my people are sick. Your skin will be stretched
1639 over canoe frames, for my people need transportation. We are a fair people,
1640 and we offer you a chance to kill yourself with our ceremonial knife."
1641 The Englishman accepts the knife and yells, "God Save the Queen",
1642 while plunging the knife into his heart.
1643 The Frenchman removes the knife from the fallen body, and yells,
1644 "Vive la France", while plunging the knife into his heart.
1645 The American removes the knife from the fallen body, and yells,
1646 while stabbing himself all over his body, "Here's your lousy canoe!"
1648 An old Jewish man reads about Einstein's theory of relativity
1649 in the newspaper and asks his scientist grandson to explain it to him.
1650 "Well, zayda, it's sort of like this. Einstein says that if
1651 you're having your teeth drilled without Novocain, a minute seems like
1652 an hour. But if you're sitting with a beautiful woman on your lap, an
1653 hour seems like a minute."
1654 The old man considers this profound bit of thinking for a
1655 moment and says, "And from this he makes a living?"
1656 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
1658 An older student came to Otis and said, "I have been to see a
1659 great number of teachers and I have given up a great number of pleasures.
1660 I have fasted, been celibate and stayed awake nights seeking enlightenment.
1661 I have given up everything I was asked to give up and I have suffered, but
1662 I have not been enlightened. What should I do?"
1663 Otis replied, "Give up suffering."
1664 -- Camden Benares, "Zen Without Zen Masters"
1666 And St. Attila raised the hand grenade up on high saying "O Lord
1667 bless this thy hand grenade that with it thou mayest blow thine enemies
1668 to tiny bits, in thy mercy" and the Lord did grin and the people did feast
1669 upon the lambs and sloths and carp and anchovies and orang-utangs and
1670 breakfast cereals and fruit bats and...
1671 (skip a bit brother...)
1672 Er ... oh, yes ... and the Lord spake, saying "First shalt thou
1673 take out the Holy Pin, then shalt thou count to three, no more, no less.
1674 Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the count
1675 shall be three. Four shalt thou not count neither count thou two, excepting
1676 that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number
1677 three, being the third number, be reached then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand
1678 Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who being naught in my sight, shall
1680 -- Monty Python, "The Book of Armaments"
1682 "And what will you do when you grow up to be as big as me?"
1683 asked the father of his little son.
1686 "Anything else, sir?" asked the attentive bellhop, trying his best
1687 to make the lady and gentleman comfortable in their penthouse suite in the
1689 "No. No, thank you," replied the gentleman.
1690 "Anything for your wife, sir?" the bellhop asked.
1691 "Why, yes, young man," said the gentleman. "Would you bring me
1694 "Anything else you wish to draw to my attention, Mr. Holmes ?"
1695 "The curious incident of the stable dog in the nighttime."
1696 "But the dog did nothing in the nighttime."
1697 "That was the curious incident."
1698 -- Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, "Silver Blaze"
1700 Approaching the gates of the monastery, Hakuin found Ken the Zen
1701 preaching to a group of disciples.
1702 "Words..." Ken orated, "they are but an illusory veil obfuscating
1703 the absolute reality of --"
1704 "Ken!" Hakuin interrupted. "Your fly is down!"
1705 Whereupon the Clear Light of Illumination exploded upon Ken, and he
1707 On the way to town, Hakuin was greeted by an itinerant monk imbued
1708 with the spirit of the morning.
1709 "Ah," the monk sighed, a beatific smile wrinkling across his cheeks,
1711 "Ah," Hakuin replied, pointing excitedly, "And Thou art Fat!"
1712 Whereupon the Clear Light of Illumination exploded upon the monk,
1714 Next, the Governor sought the advice of Hakuin, crying: "As our
1715 enemies bear down upon us, how shall I, with such heartless and callow
1716 soldiers as I am heir to, hope to withstand the impending onslaught?"
1717 "US?" snapped Hakuin.
1718 Whereupon the Clear Light of Illumination exploded upon the
1719 Governor, and he vaporized.
1720 Then, a redneck went up to Hakuin and vaporized the old Master with
1721 his shotgun. "Ha! Beat ya' to the punchline, ya' scrawny li'l geek!"
1723 As a general rule of thumb, never trust anybody who's been in therapy
1724 for more than 15 percent of their life span. The words "I am sorry" and "I
1725 am wrong" will have totally disappeared from their vocabulary. They will stab
1726 you, shoot you, break things in your apartment, say horrible things to your
1727 friends and family, and then justify this abhorrent behavior by saying:
1728 "Sure, I put your dog in the microwave. But I feel *better*
1730 -- Bruce Feirstein, "Nice Guys Sleep Alone"
1731 Brian Kernighan has an automobile which he helped design.
1732 Unlike most automobiles, it has neither speedometer, nor gas gauge, nor
1733 any of the numerous idiot lights which plague the modern driver.
1734 Rather, if the driver makes any mistake, a giant "?" lights up in the
1735 center of the dashboard. "The experienced driver", he says, "will
1736 usually know what's wrong."
1738 Before he became a hermit, Zarathud was a young Priest, and
1739 took great delight in making fools of his opponents in front of his
1741 One day Zarathud took his students to a pleasant pasture and
1742 there he confronted The Sacred Chao while She was contentedly grazing.
1743 "Tell me, you dumb beast," demanded the Priest in his
1744 commanding voice, "why don't you do something worthwhile? What is your
1745 Purpose in Life, anyway?"
1746 Munching the tasty grass, The Sacred Chao replied "MU". (The
1747 Chinese ideogram for NO-THING.)
1748 Upon hearing this, absolutely nobody was enlightened.
1749 Primarily because nobody understood Chinese.
1750 -- Camden Benares, "Zen Without Zen Masters"
1752 Bubba, Jim Bob, and Leroy were fishing out on the lake last November,
1753 and, when Bubba tipped his head back to empty the Jim Beam, he fell out of the
1754 boat into the lake. Jim Bob and Leroy pulled him back in, but as Bubba didn't
1755 look too good, they started up the Evinrude and headed back to the pier.
1756 By the time they got there, Bubba was turning kind of blue, and his
1757 teeth were chattering like all get out. Jim Bob said, "Leroy, go run up to
1758 the pickup and get Doc Pritchard on the CB, and ask him what we should do".
1759 Doc Pritchard, after hearing a description of the case, said "Now,
1760 Leroy, listen closely. Bubba is in great danger. He has hy-po-thermia. Now
1761 what you need to do is get all them wet clothes off of Bubba, and take your
1762 clothes off, and pile your clothes and jackets on top of him. Then you all
1763 get under that pile, and hug up to Bubba real close so that you warm him up.
1764 You understand me Leroy? You gotta warm Bubba up, or he'll die."
1765 Leroy and the Doc 10-4'ed each other, and Leroy came back to the
1766 pier. "Wh-Wh-What'd th-th-the d-d-doc s-s-say L-L-Leroy?", Bubba chattered.
1767 "Bubba, Doc says you're gonna die."
1769 By the middle 1880's, practically all the roads except those in
1770 the South, were of the present standard gauge. The southern roads were
1771 still five feet between rails.
1772 It was decided to change the gauge of all southern roads to standard,
1773 in one day. This remarkable piece of work was carried out on a Sunday in May
1774 of 1886. For weeks beforehand, shops had been busy pressing wheels in on the
1775 axles to the new and narrower gauge, to have a supply of rolling stock which
1776 could run on the new track as soon as it was ready. Finally, on the day set,
1777 great numbers of gangs of track layers went to work at dawn. Everywhere one
1778 rail was loosened, moved in three and one-half inches, and spiked down in its
1779 new position. By dark, trains from anywhere in the United States could operate
1780 over the tracks in the South, and a free interchange of freight cars everywhere
1782 -- Robert Henry, "Trains", 1957
1784 Carol's head ached as she trailed behind the unsmiling Calibrees
1785 along the block of booths. She chirruped at Kennicott, "Let's be wild!
1786 Let's ride on the merry-go-round and grab a gold ring!"
1787 Kennicott considered it, and mumbled to Calibree, "Think you folks
1788 would like to stop and try a ride on the merry-go-round?"
1789 Calibree considered it, and mumbled to his wife, "Think you'd like
1790 to stop and try a ride on the merry-go-round?"
1791 Mrs. Calibree smiled in a washed-out manner, and sighed, "Oh no,
1792 I don't believe I care to much, but you folks go ahead and try it."
1793 Calibree stated to Kennicott, "No, I don't believe we care to a
1794 whole lot, but you folks go ahead and try it."
1795 Kennicott summarized the whole case against wildness: "Let's try
1796 it some other time, Carrie."
1798 -- Sinclair Lewis, "Main Street"
1800 Catching his children with their hands in the new, still wet, patio,
1801 the father spanked them. His wife asked, "Don't you love your children?"
1802 "In the abstract, yes, but not in the concrete."
1805 Due to the convergence of forces beyond his comprehension,
1806 Salvatore Quanucci was suddenly squirted out of the universe
1807 like a watermelon seed, and never heard from again.
1811 Oh, life is a glorious cycle of song,
1812 A medley of extemporanea;
1813 And love is thing that can never go wrong;
1814 And I am Marie of Roumania.
1817 Concerning the war in Vietnam, Senator George Aiken of Vermont noted
1818 in January, 1966, "I'm not very keen for doves or hawks. I think we need more
1820 -- Bill Adler, "The Washington Wits"
1823 (heard in Rutledge, Missouri, about eighteen years ago)
1825 Now, this dog is for sale, and she can not only follow a trail twice as
1826 old as the average dog can, but she's got a pretty good memory to boot.
1827 For instance, last week this old boy who lives down the road from me, and
1828 is forever stinkmouthing my hounds, brought some city fellow around to
1829 try out ol' Sis here. So I turned her out south of the house and she made
1830 two or three big swings back and forth across the edge of the woods, set
1831 back her head, bayed a couple of times, cut straight through the woods,
1832 come to a little clearing, jumped about three foot straight up in the air,
1833 run to the other side, and commenced to letting out a racket like she had
1834 something treed. We went over there with our flashlights and shone them
1835 up in the tree but couldn't catch no shine offa coon's eyes, and my
1836 neighbor sorta indicated that ol' Sis might be a little crazy, `cause she
1837 stood right to the tree and kept singing up into it. So I pulled off my
1838 coat and climbed up into the branches, and sure enough, there was a coon
1839 skeleton wedged in between a couple of branches about twenty foot up.
1840 Now as I was saying, she can follow a pretty old trail, but this fellow
1841 was still calling her crazy or touched `cause she had hopped up in the
1842 air while she was crossing the clearing, until I reminded him that the
1843 Hawkins' had a fence across there about five years back. Now, this dog
1845 -- News that stayed News: Ten Years of Coevolution Quarterly
1847 Cosmotronic Software Unlimited Inc. does not warrant that the
1848 functions contained in the program will meet your requirements or that
1849 the operation of the program will be uninterrupted or error-free.
1850 However, Cosmotronic Software Unlimited Inc. warrants the
1851 diskette(s) on which the program is furnished to be of black color and
1852 square shape under normal use for a period of ninety (90) days from the
1854 NOTE: IN NO EVENT WILL COSMOTRONIC SOFTWARE UNLIMITED OR ITS
1855 DISTRIBUTORS AND THEIR DEALERS BE LIABLE TO YOU FOR ANY DAMAGES, INCLUDING
1856 ANY LOST PROFIT, LOST SAVINGS, LOST PATIENCE OR OTHER INCIDENTAL OR
1857 CONSEQUENTIAL DAMAGES.
1858 -- Horstmann Software Design, the "ChiWriter" user manual
1860 Dallas Cowboys Official Schedule
1862 Sept 14 Pasadena Junior High
1863 Sept 21 Boy Scout Troop 049
1864 Sept 28 Blind Academy
1865 Sept 30 World War I Veterans
1866 Oct 5 Brownie Scout Troop 041
1867 Oct 12 Sugarcreek High Cheerleaders
1868 Oct 26 St. Thomas Boys Choir
1869 Nov 2 Texas City Vet Clinic
1870 Nov 9 Korean War Amputees
1871 Nov 15 VA Hospital Polio Patients
1873 "Darling," he breathed, "after making love I doubt if I'll
1874 be able to get over you -- so would you mind answering the phone?"
1876 "Darling," she whispered, "will you still love me after we are
1878 He considered this for a moment and then replied, "I think so.
1879 I've always been especially fond of married women."
1881 Deck us all with Boston Charlie,
1882 Walla Walla, Wash., an' Kalamazoo!
1883 Nora's freezin' on the trolley,
1884 Swaller dollar cauliflower, alleygaroo!
1886 Don't we know archaic barrel,
1887 Lullaby Lilla Boy, Louisville Lou.
1888 Trolley Molly don't love Harold,
1889 Boola boola Pensacoola hullabaloo!
1890 -- Pogo, "Deck Us All With Boston Charlie"
1892 Deck Us All With Boston Charlie
1894 Deck us all with Boston Charlie,
1895 Walla Walla, Wash., an' Kalamazoo!
1896 Nora's freezin' on the trolley,
1897 Swaller dollar cauliflower, alleygaroo!
1899 Don't we know archaic barrel,
1900 Lullaby Lilla Boy, Louisville Lou.
1901 Trolley Molly don't love Harold,
1902 Boola boola Pensacoola hullabaloo!
1905 Does anyone know how to get chocolate syrup and honey out of a
1906 white electric blanket? I'm afraid to wash it in the machine.
1908 Thanks, Kathy. (front desk, x17)
1910 p.s. Also, anyone ever used Noxzema on friction burns?
1911 Or is Vaseline better?
1913 Dr. Oliver Wendell Holmes of Harvard Medical School inhaled ether
1914 at a time when it was popularly supposed to produce such mystical or
1915 "mind-expanding" experiences, much as LSD is supposed to produce such
1916 experiences today. Here is his account of what happened:
1917 "I once inhaled a pretty full dose of ether, with the determination
1918 to put on record, at the earliest moment of regaining consciousness, the
1919 thought I should find uppermost in my mind. The mighty music of the triumphal
1920 march into nothingness reverberated through my brain, and filled me with a
1921 sense of infinite possibilities, which made me an archangel for a moment.
1922 The veil of eternity was lifted. The one great truth which underlies all
1923 human experience and is the key to all the mysteries that philosophy has
1924 sought in vain to solve, flashed upon me in a sudden revelation. Henceforth
1925 all was clear: a few words had lifted my intelligence to the level of the
1926 knowledge of the cherubim. As my natural condition returned, I remembered
1927 my resolution; and, staggering to my desk, I wrote, in ill-shaped, straggling
1928 characters, the all-embracing truth still glimmering in my consciousness.
1929 The words were these (children may smile; the wise will ponder):
1930 `A strong smell of turpentine prevails throughout.'"
1931 -- The Consumers Union Report: Licit & Illicit Drugs
1933 During a fight, a husband threw a bowl of Jello at his wife. She had
1934 him arrested for carrying a congealed weapon.
1935 In another fight, the wife decked him with a heavy glass pitcher.
1936 She's a woman who conks to stupor.
1937 Upon reading a story about a man who throttled his mother-in-law, a
1938 man commented, "Sounds to me like a practical choker."
1939 It's not the initial skirt length, it's the upcreep.
1940 It's the theory of Jess Birnbaum, of Time magazine, that women with
1941 bad legs should stick to long skirts because they cover a multitude of shins.
1943 During a grouse hunt in North Carolina two intrepid sportsmen were
1944 blasting away at a clump of trees near a stone wall. Suddenly a red-face
1945 country squire popped his head over the wall and shouted, "Hey, you almost
1947 "Did I?" cried one hunter, aghast. "Terribly sorry. Have a shot
1948 at mine, over there."
1950 During a grouse hunt in North Carolina two intrepid sportsmen
1951 were blasting away at a clump of trees near a stone wall. Suddenly a
1952 red-faced country squire popped his head over the wall and shouted,
1953 "Hey, you almost hit my wife."
1954 "Did I?" cried the hunter, aghast. "Terribly sorry. Have a
1955 shot at mine, over there."
1957 Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles,
1958 called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you
1959 have been drinking. Electrons travel at the speed of light, which in
1960 most American homes is 110 volts per hour. This is very fast. In the
1961 time it has taken you to read this sentence so far, an electron could
1962 have traveled all the way from San Francisco to Hackensack, New Jersey,
1963 although God alone knows why it would want to.
1964 The five main kinds of electricity are alternating current,
1965 direct current, lightning, static, and European. Most American homes
1966 have alternating current, which means that the electricity goes in one
1967 direction for a while, then goes in the other direction. This prevents
1968 harmful electron buildup in the wires.
1969 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
1971 Eugene d'Albert, a noted German composer, was married six times.
1972 At an evening reception which he attended with his fifth wife shortly
1973 after their wedding, he presented the lady to a friend who said politely,
1974 "Congratulations, Herr d'Albert; you have rarely introduced me to so
1977 Everything is farther away than it used to be. It is even twice as
1978 far to the corner and they have added a hill. I have given up running for
1979 the bus; it leaves earlier than it used to.
1980 It seems to me they are making the stairs steeper than in the old
1981 days. And have you noticed the smaller print they use in the newspapers?
1982 There is no sense in asking anyone to read aloud anymore, as everybody
1983 speaks in such a low voice I can hardly hear them.
1984 The material in dresses is so skimpy now, especially around the hips
1985 and waist, that it is almost impossible to reach one's shoelaces. And the
1986 sizes don't run the way they used to. The 12's and 14's are so much smaller.
1987 Even people are changing. They are so much younger than they used to
1988 be when I was their age. On the other hand people my age are so much older
1990 I ran into an old classmate the other day and she has aged so much
1991 that she didn't recognize me.
1992 I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair
1993 this morning and in so doing I glanced at my own reflection. Really now,
1994 they don't even make good mirrors like they used to.
1995 Sandy Frazier, "I Have Noticed"
1997 Excellence is THE trend of the '80s. Walk into any shopping
1998 mall bookstore, go to the rack where they keep the best-sellers such as
1999 "Garfield Gets Spayed", and you'll see a half-dozen books telling you
2000 how to be excellent: "In Search of Excellence", "Finding Excellence",
2001 "Grasping Hold of Excellence", "Where to Hide Your Excellence at Night
2002 So the Cleaning Personnel Don't Steal It", etc.
2003 -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence"
2005 Exxon's "Universe of Energy" tends to the peculiar rather than the
2006 humorous ... After [an incomprehensible film montage about wind and sun and
2007 rain and strip mines and] two or three minutes of mechanical confusion, the
2008 seats locomote through a short tunnel filled with clock-work dinosaurs.
2009 The dinosaurs are depicted without accuracy and too close to your face.
2010 "One of the few real novelties at Epcot is the use of smell to
2011 aggravate illusions. Of course, no one knows what dinosaurs smelled like,
2012 but Exxon has decided they smelled bad.
2013 "At the other end of Dino Ditch ... there's a final, very addled
2014 message about facing challengehood tomorrow-wise. I dozed off during this,
2015 but the import seems to be that dinosaurs don't have anything to do with
2016 energy policy and neither do you."
2017 -- P. J. O'Rourke, "Holidays in Hell"
2019 Festivity Level 1: Your guests are chatting amiably with each
2020 other, admiring your Christmas-tree ornaments, singing carols around
2021 the upright piano, sipping at their drinks and nibbling hors
2023 Festivity Level 2: Your guests are talking loudly -- sometimes
2024 to each other, and sometimes to nobody at all, rearranging your
2025 Christmas-tree ornaments, singing "I Gotta Be Me" around the upright
2026 piano, gulping their drinks and wolfing down hors d'oeuvres.
2027 Festivity Level 3: Your guests are arguing violently with
2028 inanimate objects, singing "I can't get no satisfaction," gulping down
2029 other peoples' drinks, wolfing down Christmas tree ornaments and
2030 placing hors d'oeuvres in the upright piano to see what happens when
2031 the little hammers strike.
2032 Festivity Level 4: Your guests, hors d'oeuvres smeared all over
2033 their naked bodies are performing a ritual dance around the burning
2034 Christmas tree. The piano is missing.
2036 You want to keep your party somewhere around level 3, unless
2037 you rent your home and own Firearms, in which case you can go to level
2038 4. The best way to get to level 3 is egg-nog.
2042 Say my love is easy had,
2043 Say I'm bitten raw with pride,
2044 Say I am too often sad --
2045 Still behold me at your side.
2047 Say I'm neither brave nor young,
2048 Say I woo and coddle care,
2049 Say the devil touched my tongue --
2050 Still you have my heart to wear.
2052 But say my verses do not scan,
2053 And I get me another man!
2056 For example, in Year 1 that useless letter "c" would be dropped to be
2057 replased either by "k" or "s", and likewise "x" would no longer be part of the
2058 alphabet. The only kase in which "c" would be retained would be the "ch"
2059 formation, which will be dealt with later. Year 2 might reform "w" spelling,
2060 so that "which" and "one" would take the same konsonant, wile Year 3 might
2061 well abolish "y" replasing it with "i" and Iear 4 might fiks the "g-j"
2062 anomali wonse and for all.
2063 Jenerally, then, the improvement would kontinue iear bai iear with
2064 Iear 5 doing awai with useless double konsonants, and Iears 6-12 or so
2065 modifaiing vowlz and the rimeining voist and unvoist konsonants. Bai
2066 Iear 15 or sou, it wud fainali bi posibl tu meik ius ov thi ridandant letez
2067 "c", "y" and "x" - bai now jast a memori in the maindz ov ould doderez - tu
2068 riplais "ch", "sh", and "th" rispektivli.
2069 Fainali, xen, aafte sam 20 iers ov orxogrefkl riform, wi wud hev a
2070 lojikl, kohirnt speling in ius xrewawt xe Ingliy-spiking werld.
2072 "For I perceive that behind this seemingly unrelated sequence
2073 of events, there lurks a singular, sinister attitude of mind."
2079 "Found it," the Mouse replied rather crossly:
2080 "of course you know what `it' means."
2082 "I know what `it' means well enough, when I find a thing,"
2083 said the Duck: "it's generally a frog or a worm.
2085 The question is, what did the archbishop find?"
2087 Four Oxford dons were taking their evening walk together and as
2088 usual, were engaged in casual but learned conversation. On this particular
2089 evening, their conversation was about the names given to groups of animals,
2090 such as a "pride of lions" or a "gaggle of geese."
2091 One of the professors noticed a group of prostitutes down the block,
2092 and posed the question, "What name would be given to that group?" The four
2093 fell into silence for a moment, as they pondered the possibilities...
2094 At last, one spoke: "How about `a Jam of Tarts'?" The others nodded
2095 in acknowledgement as they continued to consider the problem. A second
2096 professor spoke: "I'd suggest `an Essay of Trollops.'" Again, the others
2097 nodded. A third spoke: "I propose `a Flourish of Strumpets.'"
2098 They continued their walk in silence, until the first professor
2099 remarked to the remaining professor, who was the most senior and learned of
2100 the four, "You haven't suggested a name for our ladies. What are your
2102 Replied the fourth professor, "`An Anthology of Prose.'"
2104 Fred noticed his roommate had a black eye upon returning from a dance.
2106 "I was struck by the beauty of the place."
2108 Friends were surprised, indeed, when Frank and Jennifer broke their
2109 engagement, but Frank had a ready explanation: "Would you marry someone who
2110 was habitually unfaithful, who lied at every turn, who was selfish and lazy
2112 "Of course not," said a sympathetic friend.
2113 "Well," retorted Frank, "neither would Jennifer."
2115 "Gee, Mudhead, everyone at Morse Science High has an
2116 extracurricular activity except you."
2117 "Well, gee, doesn't Louise count?"
2118 "Only to ten, Mudhead."
2119 -- The Firesign Theatre
2121 "Gentlemen of the jury," said the defense attorney, now beginning
2122 to warm to his summation, "the real question here before you is, shall this
2123 beautiful young woman be forced to languish away her loveliest years in a
2124 dark prison cell? Or shall she be set free to return to her cozy little
2125 apartment at 4134 Mountain Ave. -- there to spend her lonely, loveless hours
2126 in her boudoir, lying beside her little Princess phone, 962-7873?"
2128 God decided to take the devil to court and settle their
2129 differences once and for all.
2130 When Satan heard of this, he grinned and said, "And just
2131 where do you think you're going to find a lawyer?"
2133 Graduating seniors, parents and friends...
2134 Let me begin by reassuring you that my remarks today will stand up
2135 to the most stringent requirements of the new appropriateness.
2136 The intra-college sensitivity advisory committee has vetted the
2137 text of even trace amounts of subconscious racism, sexism and classism.
2138 Moreover, a faculty panel of deconstructionists have reconfigured
2139 the rhetorical components within a post-structuralist framework, so as to
2140 expunge any offensive elements of western rationalism and linear logic.
2141 Finally, all references flowing from a white, male, eurocentric
2142 perspective have been eliminated, as have any other ruminations deemed
2143 denigrating to the political consensus of the moment.
2145 Thank you and good luck.
2146 -- Doonesbury, the University Chancellor's graduation speech
2148 GREAT MOMENTS IN AMERICAN HISTORY #21 -- July 30, 1917
2150 On this day, New York City hotel detectives burst in and caught then-
2151 Senator Warren G. Harding in bed with an underage girl. He bought them
2152 off with a $20 bribe, and later remarked thankfully, "I thought I
2153 wouldn't get out of that under $1000!" Always one to learn from his
2154 mistakes, in later years President Harding carried on his affairs in a
2155 tiny closet in the White House Cabinet Room while Secret Service men
2158 Hack placidly amidst the noisy printers and remember what prizes there
2159 may be in Science. As fast as possible get a good terminal on a good system.
2160 Enter your data clearly but always encrypt your results. And listen to others,
2161 even the dull and ignorant, for they may be your customers. Avoid loud and
2162 aggressive persons, for they are sales reps.
2163 If you compare your outputs with those of others, you may be surprised,
2164 for always there will be greater and lesser numbers than you have crunched.
2165 Keep others interested in your career, and try not to fumble; it can be a real
2166 hassle and could change your fortunes in time.
2167 Exercise system control in your experiments, for the world is full of
2168 bugs. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive
2169 for linearity and everywhere papers are full of approximations. Strive for
2170 proportionality. Especially, do not faint when it occurs. Neither be cyclical
2171 about results; for in the face of all data analysis it is sure to be noticed.
2172 Take with a grain of salt the anomalous data points. Gracefully pass
2173 them on to the youth at the next desk. Nurture some mutual funds to shield
2174 you in times of sudden layoffs. But do not distress yourself with imaginings
2175 -- the real bugs are enough to screw you badly. Murphy's Law runs the
2176 Universe -- and whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt <Curl>B*n dS = 0.
2177 Therefore, grab for a piece of the pie, with whatever proposals you
2178 can conceive of to try. With all the crashed disks, skewed data, and broken
2179 line printers, you can still have a beautiful secretary. Be linear. Strive
2181 -- Technolorata, "Analog"
2183 "Haig, in congressional hearings before his confirmatory, paradoxed
2184 his audiencers by abnormaling his responds so that verbs were nouned, nouns
2185 verbed, and adjectives adverbised. He techniqued a new way to vocabulary his
2186 thoughts so as to informationally uncertain anybody listening about what he
2187 had actually implicationed.
2188 "If that is how General Haig wants to nervous breakdown the Russian
2189 leadership, he may be shrewding his way to the biggest diplomatic invent
2190 since Clausewitz. Unless, that is, he schizophrenes his allies first."
2193 Hardware met Software on the road to Changtse. Software said: "You
2194 are the Yin and I am the Yang. If we travel together we will become famous
2195 and earn vast sums of money." And so the pair set forth together, thinking
2196 to conquer the world.
2197 Presently, they met Firmware, who was dressed in tattered rags, and
2198 hobbled along propped on a thorny stick. Firmware said to them: "The Tao
2199 lies beyond Yin and Yang. It is silent and still as a pool of water. It does
2200 not seek fame, therefore nobody knows its presence. It does not seek fortune,
2201 for it is complete within itself. It exists beyond space and time."
2202 Software and Hardware, ashamed, returned to their homes.
2203 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
2205 Harry, a golfing enthusiast if there ever was one, arrived home
2206 from the club to an irate, ranting wife.
2207 "I'm leaving you, Harry," his wife announced bitterly. "You
2208 promised me faithfully that you'd be back before six and here it is almost
2209 nine. It just can't take that long to play 18 holes of golf."
2210 "Honey, wait," said Harry. "Let me explain. I know what I promised
2211 you, but I have a very good reason for being late. Fred and I tee'd off
2212 right on time and everything was find for the first three holes. Then, on
2213 the fourth tee Fred had a stroke. I ran back to the clubhouse but couldn't
2214 find a doctor. And, by the time I got back to Fred, he was dead. So, for
2215 the next 15 holes, it was hit the ball, drag Fred, hit the ball, drag Fred...
2217 Harry constantly irritated his friends with his eternal optimism.
2218 No matter how bad the situation, he would always say, "Well, it could have
2220 To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a
2221 situation so completely black, so dreadful, that even Harry could find no
2222 hope in it. Approaching him at the club bar one day, one of them said,
2223 "Harry! Did you hear what happened to George? He came home last night,
2224 found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both, and then turned
2225 the gun on himself!"
2226 "Terrible," said Harry. "But it could have been worse."
2227 "How in hell," demanded his dumbfounded friend, "could it possibly
2229 "Well," said Harry, "if it had happened the night before, I'd be
2232 He had been bitten by a dog, but didn't give it much thought
2233 until he noticed that the wound was taking a remarkably long time to
2234 heal. Finally, he consulted a doctor who took one look at it and
2235 ordered the dog brought in. Just as he had suspected, the dog had
2236 rabies. Since it was too late to give the patient serum, the doctor
2237 felt he had to prepare him for the worst. The poor man sat down at the
2238 doctor's desk and began to write. His physician tried to comfort him.
2239 "Perhaps it won't be so bad," he said. "You needn't make out your will
2241 "I'm not making out any will," relied the man. "I'm just writing
2242 out a list of people I'm going to bite!"
2244 ...He who laughs does not believe in what he laughs at, but neither
2245 does he hate it. Therefore, laughing at evil means not preparing oneself to
2246 combat it, and laughing at good means denying the power through which good is
2248 -- Umberto Eco, "The Name of the Rose"
2250 "Heard you were moving your piano, so I came over to help."
2251 "Thanks. Got it upstairs already."
2253 "Nope. Hitched the cat to it."
2254 "How would that help?"
2257 "Hello, Mrs. Premise!"
2258 "Oh, hello, Mrs. Conclusion! Busy day?"
2259 "Busy? I just spent four hours burying the cat."
2260 "Four hours to bury a cat!?"
2261 "Yes, he wouldn't keep still: wrigglin' about, 'owlin'..."
2262 "Oh, it's not dead then."
2263 "Oh no, no, but it's not at all a well cat, and as we're
2264 goin' away for a fortnight I thought I'd better bury it just to be
2266 "Quite right. You don't want to come back from Sorrento
2267 to a dead cat, do you?"
2270 Here is the fact of the week, maybe even the fact of the
2271 month. According to probably reliable sources, the Coca-Cola people
2272 are experiencing severe marketing anxiety in China.
2273 The words "Coca-Cola" translate into Chinese as either
2274 (depending on the inflection) "wax-fattened mare" or "bite the wax
2276 Bite the wax tadpole.
2277 There is a sort of rough justice, is there not?
2278 The trouble with this fact, as lovely as it is, is that it's
2279 hard to get a whole column out of it. I'd like to teach the world to
2280 bite a wax tadpole. Coke -- it's the real wax-fattened mare. Not bad,
2281 but broad satiric vistas do not open up.
2282 -- John Carrol, San Francisco Chronicle
2284 Home centers are designed for the do-it-yourselfer who's
2285 willing to pay higher prices for the convenience of being able to shop
2286 for lumber, hardware, and toasters all in one location. Notice I say
2287 "shop for", as opposed to "obtain". This is the major drawback of home
2288 centers: they are always out of everything except artificial Christmas
2289 trees. The home center employees have no time to reorder merchandise
2290 because they are too busy applying little price stickers to every
2291 object -- every board, washer, nail and screw -- in the entire store ...
2292 Let's say a piece in your toilet tank breaks, so you remove the
2293 broken part, take it to the home center, and ask an employee if he has
2294 a replacement. The employee, who has never is his life even seen the
2295 inside of a toilet tank, will peer at the broken part in very much the
2296 same way that a member of a primitive Amazon jungle tribe would look at
2297 an electronic calculator, and then say, "We're expecting a shipment of
2298 these sometime around the middle of next week".
2299 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
2301 "How did you spend the weekend?" asked the pretty brunette secretary
2302 of her blonde companion.
2303 "Fishing through the ice," she replied.
2304 "Fishing through the ice? Whatever for?"
2307 "How many people work here?"
2310 How many seconds are there in a year? If I tell you there are
2311 3.155 x 10^7, you won't even try to remember it. On the other hand,
2312 who could forget that, to within half a percent, pi seconds is a
2314 -- Tom Duff, Bell Labs
2316 "How would I know if I believe in love at first sight?" the sexy
2317 social climber said to her roommate. "I mean, I've never seen a Porsche
2318 full of money before."
2320 "How'd you get that flat?"
2321 "Ran over a bottle."
2322 "Didn't you see it?"
2323 "Damn kid had it under his coat."
2327 I will not play at tug o' war.
2328 I'd rather play at hug o' war,
2331 Where everyone giggles
2332 And rolls on the rug,
2333 Where everyone kisses,
2335 And everyone cuddles,
2339 Human thinking can skip over a great deal, leap over small
2340 misunderstandings, can contain ifs and buts in untroubled corners of
2341 the mind. But the machine has no corners. Despite all the attempts to
2342 see the computer as a brain, the machine has no foreground or
2343 background. It can be programmed to behave as if it were working with
2344 uncertainty, but -- underneath, at the code, at the circuits -- it
2345 cannot simultaneously do something and withhold for later something that
2346 remains unknown. In the painstaking working out of the specification,
2347 line by code line, the programmer confronts an awful, inevitable truth:
2348 The ways of human and machine understanding are disjunct.
2349 -- Ellen Ullman, "Close to the Machine"
2351 "I believe you have the wrong number," said the old gentleman into
2352 the phone. "You'll have to call the weather bureau for that information."
2353 "Who was that?" his young wife asked.
2354 "Some guy wanting to know if the coast was clear."
2356 "I cannot read the fiery letters," said Frito Bugger in a
2358 "No," said GoodGulf, "but I can. The letters are Elvish, of
2359 course, of an ancient mode, but the language is that of Mordor, which
2360 I will not utter here. They are lines of a verse long known in
2363 "This Ring, no other, is made by the elves,
2364 Who'd pawn their own mother to grab it themselves.
2365 Ruler of creeper, mortal, and scallop,
2366 This is a sleeper that packs quite a wallop.
2367 The Power almighty rests in this Lone Ring.
2368 The Power, alrighty, for doing your Own Thing.
2369 If broken or busted, it cannot be remade.
2370 If found, send to Sorhed (with postage prepaid)."
2371 -- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings"
2373 I did some heavy research so as to be prepared for "Mommy, why is
2375 HE asked me about black holes in space.
2376 (There's a hole *where*?)
2378 I boned up to be ready for, "Why is the grass green?"
2379 HE wanted to discuss nature's food chains.
2380 (Well, let's see, there's ShopRite, Pathmark...)
2382 I talked about Choo-Choo trains.
2383 HE talked internal combustion engines.
2384 (The INTERNAL COMBUSTION ENGINE said, "I think I can, I think I can.")
2386 I was delighted with the video game craze, thinking we could compete
2388 HE described the complexities of the microchips required to create
2391 Then puberty struck. Ah, adolescence.
2392 HE said, "Mom, I just don't understand women."
2394 -- Betty LiBrizzi, "The Care and Feeding of a Gifted Child"
2396 I disapprove of the F-word, not because it's dirty, but because
2397 we use it as a substitute for thoughtful insults, and it frequently
2398 leads to violence. What we ought to do, when we anger each other, say,
2399 in traffic, is exchange phone numbers, so that later on, when we've had
2400 time to think of witty and learned insults or look them up in the
2401 library, we could call each other up:
2404 You: This is Ed. Remember? The person whose parking space you
2405 took last Thursday? Outside of Sears?
2406 Bob: Oh yes! Sure! How are you, Ed?
2407 You: Fine, thanks. Listen, Bob, the reason I'm calling is:
2408 "Madam, you may be drunk, but I am ugly, and ..." No, wait.
2409 I mean: "you may be ugly, but I am Winston Churchill
2410 and ..." No, wait. (Sound of reference book thudding onto
2411 the floor.) S-word. Excuse me. Look, Bob, I'm going to
2412 have to get back to you.
2414 -- Dave Barry, "$#$%#^%!^%&@%@!"
2416 "I don't know what you mean by `glory,'" Alice said
2417 Humpty Dumpty smiled contemptuously. "Of course you don't --
2418 till I tell you. I meant `there's a nice knock-down argument for
2420 "But glory doesn't mean `a nice knock-down argument,'" Alice
2422 "When I use a word," Humpty Dumpty said, in a rather scornful
2423 tone, "it means just what I choose it to mean -- neither more nor
2425 "The question is," said Alice, "whether you can make words mean
2426 so many different things."
2427 "The question is," said Humpty Dumpty, "which is to be master--
2429 -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass"
2431 "I have examined Bogota," he said, "and the case is clearer to me.
2432 I think very probably he might be cured."
2433 "That is what I have always hoped," said old Yacob.
2434 "His brain is affected," said the blind doctor.
2435 The elders murmured assent.
2436 "Now, what affects it?"
2437 "Ah!" said old Yacob.
2438 "This," said the doctor, answering his own question. "Those queer
2439 things that are called the eyes, and which exist to make an agreeable soft
2440 depression in the face, are diseased, in the case of Bogota, in such a way
2441 as to affect his brain. They are greatly distended, he has eyelashes, and
2442 his eyelids move, and consequently his brain is in a state of constant
2443 irritation and distraction."
2444 "Yes?" said old Yacob. "Yes?"
2445 "And I think I may say with reasonable certainty that, in order
2446 to cure him completely, all that we need do is a simple and easy surgical
2447 operation - namely, to remove those irritant bodies."
2448 "And then he will be sane?"
2449 "Then he will be perfectly sane, and a quite admirable citizen."
2450 "Thank heaven for science!" said old Yacob.
2451 -- H. G. Wells, "The Country of the Blind"
2453 I made it a rule to forbear all direct contradictions to the sentiments
2454 of others, and all positive assertion of my own. I even forbade myself the use
2455 of every word or expression in the language that imported a fixed opinion, such
2456 as "certainly", "undoubtedly", etc. I adopted instead of them "I conceive",
2457 "I apprehend", or "I imagine" a thing to be so or so; or "so it appears to me
2459 When another asserted something that I thought an error, I denied
2460 myself the pleasure of contradicting him abruptly, and of showing him
2461 immediately some absurdity in his proposition. In answering I began by
2462 observing that in certain cases or circumstances his opinion would be right,
2463 but in the present case there appeared or seemed to me some difference, etc.
2464 I soon found the advantage of this change in my manner; the
2465 conversations I engaged in went on more pleasantly. The modest way in which I
2466 proposed my opinions procured them a readier reception and less contradiction.
2467 I had less mortification when I was found to be in the wrong, and I more easily
2468 prevailed with others to give up their mistakes and join with me when I
2469 happened to be in the right.
2470 -- Autobiography of Benjamin Franklin
2472 I managed to say, "Sorry," and no more. I knew that he disliked
2474 This time he said, watching me, "On some occasions it is better
2476 I put my head down on the table and sobbed, "If only she could come
2477 back; I would be nice."
2478 Francis said, "You gave her great pleasure always."
2480 "Nobody can give anybody enough."
2482 "No, not ever. But one must go on trying."
2483 "And doesn't one ever value people until they are gone?"
2484 "Rarely," said Francis. I went on weeping; I saw how little I had
2485 valued him; how little I had valued anything that was mine.
2486 -- Pamela Frankau, "The Duchess and the Smugs"
2488 I paid a visit to my local precinct in Greenwich Village and
2489 asked a sergeant to show me some rape statistics. He politely obliged.
2490 That month there had been thirty-five rape complaints, an advance of ten
2491 over the same month for the previous year. The precinct had made two
2493 "Not a very impressive record," I offered.
2494 "Don't worry about it," the sergeant assured me. "You know what
2495 these complaints represent?"
2496 "What do they represent?" I asked.
2497 "Prostitutes who didn't get their money," he said firmly,
2499 -- Susan Brownmiller, "Against Our Will"
2501 [I plan] to see, hear, touch, and destroy everything in my path,
2502 including beets, rutabagas, and most random vegetables, but excluding yams,
2503 as I am absolutely terrified of yams...
2504 Actually, I think my fear of yams began in my early youth, when many
2505 of my young comrades pelted me with same for singing songs of far-off lands
2506 and deep blue seas in a language closely resembling that of the common sow.
2507 My psychosis was further impressed into my soul as I reached adolescence,
2508 when, while skipping through a field of yams, light-heartedly tossing flowers
2509 into the stratosphere, a great yam-picking machine tore through the fields,
2510 pursuing me to the edge of the great plantation, where I escaped by diving
2511 into a great ditch filled with a mixture of water and pig manure, which may
2512 explain my tendency to scream, "Here come the Martians! Hide the eggs!" every
2513 time I have pork. But I digress. The fact remains that I cannot rationally
2514 deal with yams, and pigs are terrible conversationalists.
2516 "I quite agree with you," said the Duchess; "and the moral of
2517 that is -- `Be what you would seem to be' -- or, if you'd like it put
2518 more simply -- `Never imagine yourself not to be otherwise than what it
2519 might appear to others that what you were or might have been was not
2520 otherwise than what you had been would have appeared to them to be
2522 -- Lewis Carroll, "Alice in Wonderland"
2524 I went into a bar feeling a little depressed, the bartender said,
2525 "What'll you have, Bud"?
2526 I said," I don't know, surprise me".
2527 So he showed me a nude picture of my wife.
2528 -- Rodney Dangerfield
2530 If I kiss you, that is a psychological interaction.
2531 On the other hand, if I hit you over the head with a brick,
2532 that is also a psychological interaction.
2533 The difference is that one is friendly and the other is not
2535 The crucial point is if you can tell which is which.
2536 -- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot"
2538 If the tao is great, then the operating system is great. If the
2539 operating system is great, then the compiler is great. If the compiler
2540 is great, then the application is great. If the application is great, then
2541 the user is pleased and there is harmony in the world.
2542 The tao gave birth to machine language. Machine language gave birth
2544 The assembler gave birth to the compiler. Now there are ten thousand
2546 Each language has its purpose, however humble. Each language
2547 expresses the yin and yang of software. Each language has its place within
2549 But do not program in Cobol or Fortran if you can help it.
2551 If you do your best the rest of the way, that takes care of
2552 everything. When we get to October 2, we'll add up the wins, and then
2553 we'll either all go into the playoffs, or we'll all go home and play golf.
2554 Both those things sound pretty good to me.
2557 If you rap your knuckles against a window jamb or door, if you
2558 brush your leg against a bed or desk, if you catch your foot in a curled-
2559 up corner of a rug, or strike a toe against a desk or chair, go back and
2560 repeat the sequence.
2561 You will find yourself surprised how far off course you were to
2562 hit that window jamb, that door, that chair. Get back on course and do it
2563 again. How can you pilot a spacecraft if you can't find your way around
2565 -- William S. Burroughs
2567 If you're like most homeowners, you're afraid that many repairs
2568 around your home are too difficult to tackle. So, when your furnace
2569 explodes, you call in a so-called professional to fix it. The
2570 "professional" arrives in a truck with lettering on the sides and
2571 deposits a large quantity of tools and two assistants who spend the
2572 better part of the week in your basement whacking objects at random
2573 with heavy wrenches, after which the "professional" returns and gives
2574 you a bill for slightly more money than it would cost you to run a
2575 successful campaign for the U.S. Senate.
2576 And that's why you've decided to start doing things yourself.
2577 You figure, "If those guys can fix my furnace, then so can I. How
2578 difficult can it be?"
2579 Very difficult. In fact, most home projects are impossible,
2580 which is why you should do them yourself. There is no point in paying
2581 other people to screw things up when you can easily screw them up
2582 yourself for far less money. This article can help you.
2583 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
2585 "I'll tell you what I know, then," he decided. "The pin I'm wearing
2586 means I'm a member of the IA. That's Inamorati Anonymous. An inamorato is
2587 somebody in love. That's the worst addiction of all."
2588 "Somebody is about to fall in love," Oedipa said, "you go sit with
2589 them, or something?"
2590 "Right. The whole idea is to get where you don't need it. I was
2591 lucky. I kicked it young. But there are sixty-year-old men, believe it or
2592 not, and women even older, who might wake up in the night screaming."
2593 "You hold meetings, then, like the AA?"
2594 "No, of course not. You get a phone number, an answering service
2595 you can call. Nobody knows anybody else's name; just the number in case
2596 it gets so bad you can't handle it alone. We're isolates, Arnold. Meetings
2597 would destroy the whole point of it."
2598 -- Thomas Pynchon, "The Crying of Lot 49"
2600 "I'm looking for adventure, excitement, beautiful women," cried the
2601 young man to his father as he prepared to leave home. "Don't try to stop me.
2603 "Who's trying to stop you?" shouted the father. "Take me along!"
2605 I'm sure that VMS is completely documented, I just haven't found the
2606 right manual yet. I've been working my way through the manuals in the document
2607 library and I'm half way through the second cabinet, (3 shelves to go), so I
2608 should find what I'm looking for by mid May. I hope I can remember what it
2609 was by the time I find it.
2610 I had this idea for a new horror film, "VMS Manuals from Hell" or maybe
2611 "The Paper Chase: IBM vs. DEC". It's based on Hitchcock's "The Birds", except
2612 that it's centered around a programmer who is attacked by a swarm of binder
2613 pages with an index number and the single line "This page intentionally left
2617 In a forest a fox bumps into a little rabbit, and says, "Hi,
2618 junior, what are you up to?"
2619 "I'm writing a dissertation on how rabbits eat foxes," said the
2621 "Come now, friend rabbit, you know that's impossible! No one
2622 will publish such rubbish!"
2623 "Well, follow me and I'll show you." They both go into the
2624 rabbit's dwelling and after a while the rabbit emerges with a satisfied
2625 expression on his face.
2626 Comes along a wolf. "Hello, what are we doing these days?"
2627 "I'm writing the second chapter of my thesis, on how rabbits
2629 "Are you crazy? Where is your academic honesty?"
2630 "Come with me and I'll show you." As before, the rabbit comes
2631 out with a satisfied look on his face and a diploma in his paw.
2632 Finally, the camera pans into the rabbit's cave and, as everybody
2633 should have guessed by now, we see a mean-looking, huge lion sitting
2634 next to some bloody and furry remnants of the wolf and the fox.
2636 The moral: It's not the contents of your thesis that are important --
2637 it's your PhD advisor that really counts.
2639 In "King Henry VI, Part II," Shakespeare has Dick Butcher suggest to
2640 his fellow anti-establishment rabble-rousers, "The first thing we do, let's
2641 kill all the lawyers." That action may be extreme but a similar sentiment
2642 was expressed by Thomas K. Connellan, president of The Management Group, Inc.
2643 Speaking to business executives in Chicago and quoted in Automotive News,
2644 Connellan attributed a measure of America's falling productivity to an excess
2645 of attorneys and accountants, and a dearth of production experts. Lawyers
2646 and accountants "do not make the economic pie any bigger; they only figure
2647 out how the pie gets divided. Neither profession provides any added value
2649 According to Connellan, the highly productive Japanese society has
2650 10 lawyers and 30 accountants per 100,000 population. The U.S. has 200
2651 lawyers and 700 accountants. This suggests that "the U.S. proportion of
2652 pie-bakers and pie-dividers is way out of whack." Could Dick Butcher have
2653 been an efficiency expert?
2654 -- Motor Trend, May 1983
2656 In the beginning, God created the Earth and he said, "Let there be
2659 And God said, "Let Us make living creatures out of mud, so the mud
2660 can see what we have done."
2661 And God created every living creature that now moveth, and one was
2662 man. Mud-as-man alone could speak.
2663 "What is the purpose of all this?" man asked politely.
2664 "Everything must have a purpose?" asked God.
2665 "Certainly," said man.
2666 "Then I leave it to you to think of one for all of this," said God.
2668 -- Kurt Vonnegut Jr., "Between Time and Timbuktu"
2670 In the beginning there was data. The data was without form and
2671 null, and darkness was upon the face of the console; and the Spirit of
2672 IBM was moving over the face of the market. And DEC said, "Let there
2673 be registers"; and there were registers. And DEC saw that they
2674 carried; and DEC separated the data from the instructions. DEC called
2675 the data Stack, and the instructions they called Code. And there was
2676 evening and there was morning, one interrupt.
2677 -- Rico Tudor, "The Story of Creation or, The Myth of Urk"
2679 In the beginning there was only one kind of Mathematician, created by
2680 the Great Mathematical Spirit form the Book: the Topologist. And they grew to
2681 large numbers and prospered.
2682 One day they looked up in the heavens and desired to reach up as far
2683 as the eye could see. So they set out in building a Mathematical edifice that
2684 was to reach up as far as "up" went. Further and further up they went ...
2685 until one night the edifice collapsed under the weight of paradox.
2686 The following morning saw only rubble where there once was a huge
2687 structure reaching to the heavens. One by one, the Mathematicians climbed
2688 out from under the rubble. It was a miracle that nobody was killed; but when
2689 they began to speak to one another, SURPRISE of all surprises! they could not
2690 understand each other. They all spoke different languages. They all fought
2691 amongst themselves and each went about their own way. To this day the
2692 Topologists remain the original Mathematicians.
2693 -- The Story of Babel
2695 In the beginning was the Tao. The Tao gave birth to Space and Time.
2696 Therefore, Space and Time are the Yin and Yang of programming.
2698 Programmers that do not comprehend the Tao are always running out of
2699 time and space for their programs. Programmers that comprehend the Tao always
2700 have enough time and space to accomplish their goals.
2701 How could it be otherwise?
2702 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
2704 In the days when Sussman was a novice Minsky once came to him as he
2705 sat hacking at the PDP-6.
2706 "What are you doing?", asked Minsky.
2707 "I am training a randomly wired neural net to play Tic-Tac-Toe."
2708 "Why is the net wired randomly?", inquired Minsky.
2709 "I do not want it to have any preconceptions of how to play".
2710 At this Minsky shut his eyes, and Sussman asked his teacher "Why do
2711 you close your eyes?"
2712 "So that the room will be empty."
2713 At that moment, Sussman was enlightened.
2715 In the east there is a shark which is larger than all other fish. It
2716 changes into a bird whose wings are like clouds filling the sky. When this
2717 bird moves across the land, it brings a message from Corporate Headquarters.
2718 This message it drops into the midst of the programmers, like a seagull
2719 making its mark upon the beach. Then the bird mounts on the wind and, with
2720 the blue sky at its back, returns home.
2721 The novice programmer stares in wonder at the bird, for he understands
2722 it not. The average programmer dreads the coming of the bird, for he fears
2723 its message. The master programmer continues to work at his terminal, for he
2724 does not know that the bird has come and gone.
2725 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
2727 In the morning, laughing, happy fish heads
2728 In the evening, floating in the soup.
2730 Fish heads, fish heads, roly-poly fish heads;
2731 Fish heads, fish heads, eat them up. Yum!
2732 You can ask them anything you want to.
2733 They won't answer; they can't talk.
2735 I took a fish head out to see a movie,
2736 Didn't have to pay to get it in.
2738 They can't play baseball; they don't wear sweaters;
2739 They aren't good dancers; they can't play drums.
2741 Roly-poly fish heads are NEVER seen drinking cappuccino in
2742 Italian restaurants with Oriental women.
2746 -- Barnes & Barnes, "Fish Heads"
2748 "In this replacement Earth we're building they've given me Africa
2749 to do and of course I'm doing it with all fjords again because I happen to
2750 like them, and I'm old-fashioned enough to think that they give a lovely
2751 baroque feel to a continent. And they tell me it's not equatorial enough.
2752 Equatorial!" He gave a hollow laugh. "What does it matter? Science has
2753 achieved some wonderful things, of course, but I'd far rather be happy than
2756 "No. That's where it all falls down, of course."
2757 "Pity," said Arthur with sympathy. "It sounded like quite a good
2758 life-style otherwise."
2759 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
2761 In what can only be described as a surprise move, God has officially
2762 announced His candidacy for the U.S. presidency. During His press conference
2763 today, the first in over 4000 years, He is quoted as saying, "I think I have
2764 a chance for the White House if I can just get my campaign pulled together
2765 in time. I'd like to get this country turned around; I mean REALLY turned
2766 around! Let's put Florida up north for awhile, and let's get rid of all
2767 those annoying mountains and rivers. I never could stand them!"
2768 There apparently is still some controversy over the Almighty's
2769 citizenship and other qualifications for the Presidency. God replied to
2770 these charges by saying, "Come on, would the United States have anyone other
2771 than a citizen bless their country?"
2773 Insofar as I may be heard by anything, which may or may not care
2774 what I say, I ask, if it matters, that you be forgiven for anything you
2775 may have done or failed to do which requires forgiveness. Conversely, if
2776 not forgiveness but something else may be required to ensure any possible
2777 benefit for which you may be eligible after the destruction of your body,
2778 I ask this, whatever it may be, be granted or withheld, as the case may be,
2779 in such a manner as to ensure your receiving said benefit. I ask this in my
2780 capacity as your elected intermediary between yourself and that which may
2781 not be yourself, but which may have an interest in the matter of your
2782 receiving as much as it is possible for you to receive of this thing, and
2783 which may in some way be influenced by this ceremony.
2787 Four be the things I am wiser to know:
2788 Idleness, sorrow, a friend, and a foe.
2790 Four be the things I'd been better without:
2791 Love, curiosity, freckles, and doubt.
2793 Three be the things I shall never attain:
2794 Envy, content, and sufficient champagne.
2796 Three be the things I shall have till I die:
2797 Laughter and hope and a sock in the eye.
2799 It appears that after his death, Albert Einstein found himself
2800 working as the doorkeeper at the Pearly Gates. One slow day, he
2801 found that he had time to chat with the new entrants. To the first one
2802 he asked, "What's your IQ?" The new arrival replied, "190". They
2803 discussed Einstein's theory of relativity for hours. When the second
2804 new arrival came, Einstein once again inquired as to the newcomer's
2805 IQ. The answer this time came "120". To which Einstein replied, "Tell
2806 me, how did the Cubs do this year?" and they proceeded to talk for half
2807 an hour or so. To the final arrival, Einstein once again posed the
2808 question, "What's your IQ?". Upon receiving the answer "70",
2809 Einstein smiled and replied, "Got a minute to tell me about VMS 4.0?"
2811 It is a period of system war. User programs, striking from a hidden
2812 directory, have won their first victory against the evil Administrative Empire.
2813 During the battle, User spies managed to steal secret source code to the
2814 Empire's ultimate program: the Are-Em Star, a privileged root program with
2815 enough power to destroy an entire file structure. Pursued by the Empire's
2816 sinister audit trail, Princess _LPA0 races ~ aboard her shell script,
2817 custodian of the stolen listings that could save her people, and restore
2818 freedom and games to the network...
2821 It is a profoundly erroneous truism, repeated by all copy-books and
2822 by eminent people when they are making speeches, that we should cultivate
2823 the habit of thinking about what we are doing. The precise opposite is the
2824 case. Civilization advances by extending the numbers of important operations
2825 which we can perform without thinking about them. Operations of thought are
2826 like cavalry charges in battle -- they are strictly limited in number, they
2827 require fresh horses, and must only be made at decisive moments.
2828 -- Alfred North Whitehead
2830 It is always preferable to visit home with a friend. Your parents will
2831 not be pleased with this plan, because they want you all to themselves and
2832 because in the presence of your friend, they will have to act like mature
2834 The worst kind of friend to take home is a girl, because in that case,
2835 there is the potential that your parents will lose you not just for the
2836 duration of the visit but forever. The worst kind of girl to take home is one
2837 of a different religion: Not only will you be lost to your parents forever but
2838 you will be lost to a woman who is immune to their religious/moral arguments
2839 and whose example will irretrievably corrupt you.
2840 Let's say you've fallen in love with just such a girl and would like
2841 to take her home for the holidays. You are aware of your parents' xenophobic
2842 response to anyone of a different religion. How to prepare them for the shock?
2843 Simple. Call them up shortly before your visit and tell them that you
2844 have gotten quite serious about somebody who is of a different religion, a
2845 different race and the same sex. Tell them you have already invited this
2846 person to meet them. Give the information a moment to sink in and then
2847 remark that you were only kidding, that your lover is merely of a different
2848 religion. They will be so relieved they will welcome her with open arms.
2849 -- Playboy, January, 1983
2851 It is either through the influence of narcotic potions, of which all
2852 primitive peoples and races speak in hymns, or through the powerful approach
2853 of spring, penetrating with joy all of nature, that those Dionysian stirrings
2854 arise, which in their intensification lead the individual to forget himself
2855 completely. ... Not only does the bond between man and man come to be forged
2856 once again by the magic of the Dionysian rite, but alienated, hostile, or
2857 subjugated nature again celebrates her reconciliation with her prodigal son,
2859 -- Friedrich Nietzsche, "The Birth of Tragedy"
2861 It seems there's this magician working one of the luxury cruise ships
2862 for a few years. He doesn't have to change his routines much as the audiences
2863 change over fairly often, and he's got a good life. The only problem is the
2864 ship's parrot, who perches in the hall and watches him night after night, year
2865 after year. Finally, the parrot figures out how almost every trick works and
2866 starts giving it away for the audience. For example, when the magician makes
2867 a bouquet of flowers disappear, the parrot squawks "Behind his back! Behind
2868 his back!" Well, the magician is really annoyed at this, but there's not much
2869 he can do about it as the parrot is a ship's mascot and very popular with the
2871 One night, the ship strikes some floating debris, and sinks without
2872 a trace. Almost everyone aboard was lost, except for the magician and the
2873 parrot. For three days and nights they just drift, with the magician clinging
2874 to one end of a piece of driftwood and the parrot perched on the other end.
2875 As the sun rises on the morning of the fourth day, the parrot walks over to
2876 the magician's end of the log. With obvious disgust in his voice, he snaps
2877 "OK, you win, I give up. Where did you hide the ship?"
2879 It seems these two guys, George and Harry, set out in a Hot Air
2880 balloon to cross the United States. After forty hours in the air, George
2881 turned to Harry, and said, "Harry, I think we've drifted off course! We
2882 need to find out where we are."
2883 Harry cools the air in the balloon, and they descend to below the
2884 cloud cover. Slowly drifting over the countryside, George spots a man
2885 standing below them and yells out, "Excuse me! Can you please tell me
2887 The man on the ground yells back, "You're in a balloon, approximately
2888 fifty feet in the air!"
2889 George turns to Harry and says, "Well, that man *must* be a lawyer".
2890 Replies Harry, "How can you tell?".
2891 "Because the information he gave us is 100% accurate, and totally
2894 That's the end of The Joke, but for you people who are still worried about
2895 George and Harry: they end up in the drink, and make the front page of the
2896 New York Times: "Balloonists Soaked by Lawyer".
2898 It took 300 years to build and by the time it was 10% built,
2899 everyone knew it would be a total disaster. But by then the investment
2900 was so big they felt compelled to go on. Since its completion, it has
2901 cost a fortune to maintain and is still in danger of collapsing.
2902 There are at present no plans to replace it, since it was never
2903 really needed in the first place.
2904 I expect every installation has its own pet software which is
2905 analogous to the above.
2906 -- K. E. Iverson, on the Leaning Tower of Pisa
2908 It was the next morning that the armies of Twodor marched east
2909 laden with long lances, sharp swords, and death-dealing hangovers. The
2910 thousands were led by Arrowroot, who sat limply in his sidesaddle,
2911 nursing a whopper. Goodgulf, Gimlet, and the rest rode by him, praying
2912 for their fate to be quick, painless, and if possible, someone else's.
2913 Many an hour the armies forged ahead, the war-merinos bleating
2914 under their heavy burdens and the soldiers bleating under their melting
2916 -- The Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings"
2918 Jacek, a Polish schoolboy, is told by his teacher that he has
2919 been chosen to carry the Polish flag in the May Day parade.
2920 "Why me?" whines the boy. "Three years ago I carried the flag
2921 when Brezhnev was the Secretary; then I carried the flag when it was
2922 Andropov's turn, and again when Chernenko was in the Kremlin. Why is
2923 it always me, teacher?"
2924 "Because, Jacek, you have such golden hands," the teacher
2927 -- being told in Poland, 1987
2929 Joan, the rather well-proportioned secretary, spent almost all of
2930 her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit
2931 the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her
2932 way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan. She'd hardly
2933 begun when she heard someone running up the stairs; she was lying on her
2934 stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.
2935 "Excuse me, miss," said the flustered little assistant manager of
2936 the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't
2937 mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your
2938 wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday."
2939 "What difference does it make," Joan asked rather calmly. "No one
2940 can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel."
2941 "Not exactly," said the embarrassed little man. "You're lying on
2942 the dining room skylight."
2944 Leslie West heads for the sticks, to Providence, Rhode Island and
2945 tries to hide behind a beard. No good. There are still too many people
2946 and too many stares, always taunting, always smirking. He moves to the
2947 outskirts of town. He finds a place to live -- huge mansion, dirt cheap,
2948 caretaker included. He plugs in his guitar and plays as loud as he wants,
2949 day and night, and there's no one to laugh or boo or even look bored.
2950 Nobody's cut the grass in months. What's happened to that caretaker?
2951 What neighborhood people there are start to talk, and what kids there are
2952 start to get curious. A 13 year-old blond with an angelic face misses supper.
2953 Before the summer's end, four more teenagers have disappeared. The senior
2954 class president, Barnard-bound come autumn, tells Mom she's going out to a
2955 movie one night and stays out. The town's up in arms, but just before the
2956 police take action, the kids turn up. They've found a purpose. They go
2957 home for their stuff and tell the folks not to worry but they'll be going
2958 now. They're in a band.
2961 Listen, Tyrone, you don't know how dangerous that stuff is.
2962 Suppose someday you just plug in and go away and never come back? Eh?
2963 Ho, ho! Don't I wish! What do you think every electrofreak
2964 dreams about? You're such an old fuddyduddy! A-and who sez it's a
2965 dream, huh? M-maybe it exists. Maybe there is a Machine to take us
2966 away, take us completely, suck us out through the electrodes out of
2967 the skull 'n' into the Machine and live there forever with all the
2968 other souls it's got stored there. It could decide who it would suck
2969 out, a-and when. Dope never gave you immortality. You hadda come
2970 back, every time, into a dying hunk of smelly meat! But We can live
2971 forever, in a clean, honest, purified, Electroworld.
2972 -- Thomas Pynchon, "Gravity's Rainbow"
2974 Long ago, in a finite state far away, there lived a JOVIAL
2975 character named Jack. Jack and his relations were poor. Often their
2976 hash table was bare. One day Jack's parent said to him, "Our matrices
2977 are sparse. You must go to the market to exchange our RAM for some
2978 BASICs." She compiled a linked list of items to retrieve and passed it
2980 So Jack set out. But as he was walking along a Hamilton path,
2981 he met the traveling salesman.
2982 "Whither dost thy flow chart take thou?" prompted the salesman
2983 in high-level language.
2984 "I'm going to the market to exchange this RAM for some chips
2985 and Apples," commented Jack.
2986 "I have a much better algorithm. You needn't join a queue
2987 there; I will swap your RAM for these magic kernels now."
2988 Jack made the trade, then backtracked to his house. But when
2989 he told his busy-waiting parent of the deal, she became so angry she
2991 "Don't you even have any artificial intelligence? All these
2992 kernels together hardly make up one byte," and she popped them out the
2994 -- Mark Isaak, "Jack and the Beanstack"
2996 Looking for a cool one after a long, dusty ride, the drifter strode
2997 into the saloon. As he made his way through the crowd to the bar, a man
2998 galloped through town screaming, "Big Mike's comin'! Run fer yer lives!"
2999 Suddenly, the saloon doors burst open. An enormous man, standing over
3000 eight feet tall and weighing an easy 400 pounds, rode in on a bull, using a
3001 rattlesnake for a whip. Grabbing the drifter by the arm and throwing him over
3002 the bar, the giant thundered, "Gimme a drink!"
3003 The terrified man handed over a bottle of whiskey, which the man
3004 guzzled in one gulp and then smashed on the bar. He then stood aghast as
3005 the man stuffed the broken bottle in his mouth, munched broken glass and
3006 smacked his lips with relish.
3007 "Can I, ah, uh, get you another, sir?" the drifter stammered.
3008 "Naw, I gotta git outta here, boy," the man grunted. "Big Mike's
3013 My love is like an iron wand
3014 That conks me on the head,
3015 My love is like the valium
3016 That I take before my bed,
3017 My love is like the pint of scotch
3018 That I drink when I be dry;
3019 And I shall love thee still, my dear,
3020 Until my wife is wise.
3022 Max told his friend that he'd just as soon not go hiking in the hills.
3023 Said he, "I'm an anti-climb Max."
3025 Most of what I really need to know about how to live, and what to do,
3026 and how to be, I learned in kindergarten. Wisdom was not at the top of the
3027 graduate school mountain but there in the sandbox at nursery school.
3028 These are the things I learned: Share everything. Play fair. Don't
3029 hit people. Put things back where you found them. Clean up your own mess.
3030 Don't take things that aren't yours. Say you're sorry when you hurt someone.
3031 Wash your hands before you eat. Flush. Warm cookies and cold milk are good
3032 for you. Live a balanced life. Learn some and think some and draw and paint
3033 and sing and dance and play and work some every day.
3034 Take a nap every afternoon. When you go out into the world, watch for
3035 traffic, hold hands, and stick together. Be aware of wonder. Remember the
3036 little seed in the plastic cup. The roots go down and the plant goes up and
3037 nobody really knows how or why, but we are all like that. Goldfish and
3038 hamsters and white mice and even the little seed in the plastic cup -- they all
3040 And then remember the book about Dick and Jane and the first word you
3041 learned, the biggest word of all: LOOK. Everything you need to know is in
3042 there somewhere. The Golden Rule and love and basic sanitation. Ecology and
3043 politics and sane living.
3044 Think of what a better world it would be if we all -- the whole world
3045 -- had cookies and milk about 3 o'clock every afternoon and then lay down with
3046 our blankets for a nap. Or if we had a basic policy in our nation and other
3047 nations to always put things back where we found them and cleaned up our own
3048 messes. And it is still true, no matter how old you are, when you go out into
3049 the world it is best to hold hands and stick together.
3050 -- Robert Fulghum, "All I ever really needed to know I learned
3053 Most of what I really need to know about how to live, and what to
3054 do, and how to be, I learned in kindergarten. Wisdom was not at the top
3055 of the graduate school mountain, but there in the sandbox at nursery school.
3056 These are the things I learned: Share everything. Play fair.
3057 Don't hit people. Put things back where you found them. Clean up your
3058 own mess. Don't take things that aren't yours. Say you're sorry when you
3059 hurt someone. Wash your hands before you eat. Flush. Warm cookies and
3060 cold milk are good for you. Live a balanced life. Learn some and think
3061 some and draw and paint and sing and dance and play and work every day
3063 Take a nap every afternoon. When you go out into the world, watch
3064 for traffic, hold hands, and stick together. Be aware of wonder. Remember
3065 the little seed in the plastic cup. The roots go down and the plant goes
3066 up and nobody really knows why, but we are all like that.
3068 Think of what a better world it would be if we all -- the whole
3069 world -- had cookies and milk about 3 o'clock every afternoon and then lay
3070 down with our blankets for a nap. Or if we had a basic policy in our nation
3071 and other nations to always put things back where we found them and cleaned
3072 up our own messes. And it is still true, no matter how old you are, when
3073 you go out into the world, it is best to hold hands and stick together.
3076 Mother seemed pleased by my draft notice. "Just think of all the
3077 people in England, they've chosen you, it's a great honour, son."
3078 Laughingly I felled her with a right cross.
3081 Moving along a dimly light street, a man I know was suddenly
3082 approached by a stranger who had slipped from the shadows nearby.
3083 "Please, sir," pleaded the stranger, "would you be so kind as
3084 to help a poor unfortunate fellow who is hungry and can't find work?
3085 All I have in the world is this gun."
3087 Mr. Jones related an incident from "some time back" when IBM Canada
3088 Ltd. of Markham, Ont., ordered some parts from a new supplier in Japan. The
3089 company noted in its order that acceptable quality allowed for 1.5 per cent
3090 defects (a fairly high standard in North America at the time).
3091 The Japanese sent the order, with a few parts packaged separately in
3092 plastic. The accompanying letter said: "We don't know why you want 1.5 per
3093 cent defective parts, but for your convenience, we've packed them separately."
3094 -- Excerpted from an article in The (Toronto) Globe and Mail
3096 Murray and Esther, a middle-aged Jewish couple, are touring
3097 Chile. Murray just got a new camera and is constantly snapping
3098 pictures. One day, without knowing it, he photographs a top-secret
3099 military installation. In an instant, armed troops surround Murray and
3100 Esther and hustle them off to prison.
3101 They can't prove who they are because they've left their
3102 passports in their hotel room. For three weeks they're tortured day
3103 and night to get them to name their contacts in the liberation
3104 movement... Finally they're hauled in front of a military court,
3105 charged with espionage, and sentenced to death.
3106 The next morning they're lined up in front of the wall where
3107 they'll be shot. The sergeant in charge of the firing squad asks them
3108 if they have any last requests. Esther wants to know if she can call
3109 her daughter in Chicago. The sergeant says he's sorry, that's not
3110 possible, and turns to Murray.
3111 "This is crazy!" Murray shouts. "We're not spies!" And he
3112 spits in the sergeants face.
3113 "Murray!" Esther cries. "Please! Don't make trouble."
3114 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
3116 My friends, I am here to tell you of the wondrous continent known as
3117 Africa. Well we left New York drunk and early on the morning of February 31.
3118 We were 15 days on the water, and 3 on the boat when we finally arrived in
3119 Africa. Upon our arrival we immediately set up a rigorous schedule: Up at
3120 6:00, breakfast, and back in bed by 7:00. Pretty soon we were back in bed by
3121 6:30. Now Africa is full of big game. The first day I shot two bucks. That
3122 was the biggest game we had. Africa is primarily inhabited by Elks, Moose
3123 and Knights of Pithiests.
3124 The elks live up in the mountains and come down once a year for their
3125 annual conventions. And you should see them gathered around the water hole,
3126 which they leave immediately when they discover it's full of water. They
3127 weren't looking for a water hole. They were looking for an alck hole.
3128 One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas, how he got in my
3129 pajamas, I don't know. Then we tried to remove the tusks. That's a tough
3130 word to say, tusks. As I said we tried to remove the tusks, but they were
3131 embedded so firmly we couldn't get them out. But in Alabama the Tusks are
3132 looser, but that is totally irrelephant to what I was saying.
3133 We took some pictures of the native girls, but they weren't developed.
3134 So we're going back in a few years...
3137 My message is not that biological determinists were bad scientists or
3138 even that they were always wrong. Rather, I believe that science must be
3139 understood as a social phenomenon, a gutsy, human enterprise, not the work of
3140 robots programmed to collect pure information. I also present this view as
3141 an upbeat for science, not as a gloomy epitaph for a noble hope sacrificed on
3142 the alter of human limitations.
3143 I believe that a factual reality exists and that science, though often
3144 in an obtuse and erratic manner, can learn about it. Galileo was not shown
3145 the instruments of torture in an abstract debate about lunar motion. He had
3146 threatened the Church's conventional argument for social and doctrinal
3147 stability: the static world order with planets circling about a central
3148 earth, priests subordinate to the Pope and serfs to their lord. But the
3149 Church soon made its peace with Galileo's cosmology. They had no choice; the
3150 earth really does revolve about the sun.
3151 -- S. J. Gould, "The Mismeasure of Man"
3153 "My mother," said the sweet young steno, "says there are some things
3154 a girl should not do before twenty."
3155 "Your mother is right," said the executive, "I don't like a large
3158 n = ((n >> 1) & 0x55555555) | ((n << 1) & 0xaaaaaaaa);
3159 n = ((n >> 2) & 0x33333333) | ((n << 2) & 0xcccccccc);
3160 n = ((n >> 4) & 0x0f0f0f0f) | ((n << 4) & 0xf0f0f0f0);
3161 n = ((n >> 8) & 0x00ff00ff) | ((n << 8) & 0xff00ff00);
3162 n = ((n >> 16) & 0x0000ffff) | ((n << 16) & 0xffff0000);
3164 -- Reverse the bits in a word.
3166 n = (n & 0x55555555) + ((n & 0xaaaaaaaa) >> 1);
3167 n = (n & 0x33333333) + ((n & 0xcccccccc) >> 2);
3168 n = (n & 0x0f0f0f0f) + ((n & 0xf0f0f0f0) >> 4);
3169 n = (n & 0x00ff00ff) + ((n & 0xff00ff00) >> 8);
3170 n = (n & 0x0000ffff) + ((n & 0xffff0000) >> 16);
3172 -- Count the bits in a word.
3174 Never ask your lover if he'd dive in front of an oncoming train for
3175 you. He doesn't know. Never ask your lover if she'd dive in front of an
3176 oncoming band of Hell's Angels for you. She doesn't know. Never ask how many
3177 cigarettes your lover has smoked today. Cancer is a personal commitment.
3178 Never ask to see pictures of your lover's former lovers -- especially
3179 the ones who dived in front of trains. If you look like one of them, you are
3180 repeating history's mistakes. If you don't, you'll wonder what he or she saw
3182 While we are on the subject of pictures: You may admire the picture
3183 of your lover cavorting naked in a tidal pool on Maui. Don't ask who took
3184 it. The answer is obvious. A Japanese tourist took the picture.
3185 Never ask if your lover has had therapy. Only people who have had
3186 therapy ask if people have had therapy.
3187 Don't ask about plaster casts of male sex organs marked JIMI, JIM, etc.
3188 Assume that she bought them at a flea market.
3189 -- James Peterson and Kate Nolan
3191 NEW YORK-- Kraft Foods, Inc. announced today that its board of
3192 directors unanimously rejected the $11 billion takeover bid by Philip
3193 Morris and Co. A Kraft spokesman stated in a press conference that the
3194 offer was rejected because the $90-per-share bid did not reflect the
3195 true value of the company.
3196 Wall Street insiders, however, tell quite a different story.
3197 Apparently, the Kraft board of directors had all but signed the takeover
3198 agreement when they learned of Philip Morris' marketing plans for one of
3199 their major Middle East subsidiaries. To a person, the board voted to
3200 reject the bid when they discovered that the tobacco giant intended to
3201 reorganize Israeli Cheddar, Ltd., and name the new company Cheeses of
3204 "No, I understand now," Auberon said, calm in the woods -- it was so
3205 simple, really. "I didn't, for a long time, but I do now. You just can't
3206 hold people, you can't own them. I mean it's only natural, a natural process
3207 really. Meet. Love. Part. Life goes on. There was never any reason to
3208 expect her to stay always the same -- I mean `in love,' you know." There were
3209 those doubt-quotes of Smoky's, heavily indicated. "I don't hold a grudge. I
3211 "You do," Grandfather Trout said. "And you don't understand."
3212 -- Little, Big, "John Crowley"
3214 No violence, gentlemen -- no violence, I beg of you! Consider
3218 Now she speaks rapidly. "Do you know *why* you want to program?"
3219 He shakes his head. He hasn't the faintest idea.
3220 "For the sheer *joy* of programming!" she cries triumphantly.
3221 "The joy of the parent, the artist, the craftsman. "You take a program,
3222 born weak and impotent as a dimly-realized solution. You nurture the
3223 program and guide it down the right path, building, watching it grow ever
3224 stronger. Sometimes you paint with tiny strokes, a keystroke added here,
3225 a keystroke changed there." She sweeps her arm in a wide arc. "And other
3226 times you savage whole *blocks* of code, ripping out the program's very
3227 *essence*, then beginning anew. But always building, creating, filling the
3228 program with your own personal stamp, your own quirks and nuances. Watching
3229 the program grow stronger, patching it when it crashes, until finally it can
3230 stand alone -- proud, powerful, and perfect. This is the programmer's finest
3231 hour!" Softly at first, then louder, he hears the strains of a Sousa march.
3232 "This ... this is your canvas! your clay! Go forth and create a masterwork!"
3234 Now, you might ask, "How do I get one of those complete home
3235 tool sets for under $4?" An excellent question.
3236 Go to one of those really cheap discount stores where they sell
3237 plastic furniture in colors visible from the planet Neptune and where
3238 they have a food section specializing in cardboard cartons full of
3239 Raisinets and malted milk balls manufactured during the Nixon
3240 administration. In either the hardware or housewares department,
3241 you'll find an item imported from an obscure Oriental country and
3242 described as "Nine Tools in One", consisting of a little handle with
3243 interchangeable ends representing inscrutable Oriental notions of tools
3244 that Americans might use around the home. Buy it.
3245 This is the kind of tool set professionals use. Not only is it
3246 inexpensive, but it also has a great safety feature not found in the
3247 so-called quality tools sets: The handle will actually break right off
3248 if you accidentally hit yourself or anything else, or expose it to
3250 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
3252 Obviously the subject of death was in the air, but more as something
3253 to be avoided than harped upon.
3254 Possibly the horror that Zaphod experienced at the prospect of being
3255 reunited with his deceased relatives led on to the thought that they might
3256 just feel the same way about him and, what's more, be able to do something
3257 about helping to postpone this reunion.
3258 -- Douglas Adams, "The Restaurant at the End of the Universe"
3260 "Oh sure, this costume may look silly, but it lets me get in and out
3261 of dangerous situations -- I work for a federal task force doing a survey on
3262 urban crime. Look, here's my ID, and here's a number you can call, that will
3263 put you through to our central base in Atlanta. Go ahead, call -- they'll
3265 "Unless, of course, the Astro-Zombies have destroyed it."
3268 Old Barlow was a crossing-tender at a junction where an express train
3269 demolished an automobile and its occupants. Being the chief witness, his
3270 testimony was vitally important. Barlow explained that the night was dark,
3271 and he waved his lantern frantically, but the driver of the car paid
3272 no attention to the signal.
3273 The railroad company won the case, and the president of the company
3274 complimented the old-timer for his story. "You did wonderfully," he said,
3275 "I was afraid you would waver under testimony."
3276 "No sir," exclaimed the senior, "but I sure was afraid that durned
3277 lawyer was gonna ask me if my lantern was lit."
3279 On his first day as a bus driver, Maxey Eckstein handed in
3280 receipts of $65. The next day his take was $67. The third day's
3281 income was $62. But on the fourth day, Eckstein emptied no less than
3282 $283 on the desk before the cashier.
3283 "Eckstein!" exclaimed the cashier. "This is fantastic. That
3284 route never brought in money like this! What happened?"
3285 "Well, after three days on that cockamamie route, I figured
3286 business would never improve, so I drove over to Fourteenth Street and
3287 worked there. I tell you, that street is a gold mine!"
3289 On the day of his anniversary, Joe was frantically shopping
3290 around for a present for his wife. He knew what she wanted, a
3291 grandfather clock for the living room, but he found the right one
3292 almost impossible to find. Finally, after many hours of searching, Joe
3293 found just the clock he wanted, but the store didn't deliver. Joe,
3294 desperate, paid the shopkeeper, hoisted the clock onto his back, and
3295 staggered out onto the sidewalk. On the way home, he passed a bar.
3296 Just as he reached the door, a drunk stumbled out and crashed into Joe,
3297 sending himself, Joe, and the clock into the gutter. Murphy's law
3298 being in effect, the clock ended up in roughly a thousand pieces.
3299 "You stupid drunk!" screamed Joe, jumping up from the
3300 wreckage. "Why don't you look where the hell you're going!"
3301 With quiet dignity the drunk stood up somewhat unsteadily and
3302 dusted himself off. "And why don't you just wear a wristwatch like a
3305 On the occasion of Nero's 25th birthday, he arrived at the Colosseum
3306 to find that the Praetorian Guard had prepared a treat for him in the arena.
3307 There stood 25 naked virgins, like candles on a cake, tied to poles, burning
3308 alive. "Wonderful!" exclaimed the deranged emperor, "but one of them isn't
3309 dead yet. I can see her lips moving. Go quickly and find out what she is
3311 The centurion saluted, and hurried out to the virgin, getting as near
3312 the flames as he dared, and listened intently. Then he turned and ran back
3313 to the imperial box. "She is not talking," he reported to Nero, "she is
3315 "Singing?" said the astounded emperor. "Singing what?"
3316 "Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you..."
3318 On the other hand, the TCP camp also has a phrase for OSI people.
3319 There are lots of phrases. My favorite is `nitwit' -- and the rationale
3320 is the Internet philosophy has always been you have extremely bright,
3321 non-partisan researchers look at a topic, do world-class research, do
3322 several competing implementations, have a bake-off, determine what works
3323 best, write it down and make that the standard.
3324 The OSI view is entirely opposite. You take written contributions
3325 from a much larger community, you put the contributions in a room of
3326 committee people with, quite honestly, vast political differences and all
3327 with their own political axes to grind, and four years later you get
3328 something out, usually without it ever having been implemented once.
3329 So the Internet perspective is implement it, make it work well,
3330 then write it down, whereas the OSI perspective is to agree on it, write
3331 it down, circulate it a lot and now we'll see if anyone can implement it
3332 after it's an international standard and every vendor in the world is
3333 committed to it. One of those processes is backwards, and I don't think
3334 it takes a Lucasian professor of physics at Oxford to figure out which.
3335 -- Marshall Rose, "The Pied Piper of OSI"
3337 On this morning in August when I was 13, my mother sent us out pick
3338 tomatoes. Back in April I'd have killed for a fresh tomato, but in August
3339 they are no more rare or wonderful than rocks. So I picked up one and threw
3340 it at a crab apple tree, where it made a good *splat*, and then threw a tomato
3341 at my brother. He whipped one back at me. We ducked down by the vines,
3342 heaving tomatoes at each other. My sister, who was a good person, said,
3343 "You're going to get it." She bent over and kept on picking.
3344 What a target! She was 17, a girl with big hips, and bending over,
3345 she looked like the side of a barn.
3346 I picked up a tomato so big it sat on the ground. It looked like it
3347 had sat there a week. The underside was brown, small white worms lived in it,
3348 and it was very juicy. I stood up and took aim, and went into the windup,
3349 when my mother at the kitchen window called my name in a sharp voice. I had
3350 to decide quickly. I decided.
3351 A rotten Big Boy hitting the target is a memorable sound, like a fat
3352 man doing a belly-flop. With a whoop and a yell the tomatoee came after me
3353 faster than I knew she could run, and grabbed my shirt and was about to brain
3354 me when Mother called her name in a sharp voice. And my sister, who was a
3355 good person, obeyed and let go -- and burst into tears. I guess she knew that
3356 the pleasure of obedience is pretty thin compared with the pleasure of hearing
3357 a rotten tomato hit someone in the rear end.
3358 -- Garrison Keillor, "Lake Wobegon Days"
3360 Once again we find ourselves enmeshed in The Holiday Season, that very
3361 special time of year when we join with our loved ones in sharing centuries-old
3362 traditions such as trying to find a parking space at the mall. We
3363 traditionally do this in my family by driving around the parking lot until we
3364 see a shopper emerge from the mall. Then we follow her, in very much the same
3365 spirit as the Three Wise Men, who, 2,000 years ago, followed a star, week after
3366 week, until it led them to a parking space.
3367 We try to keep our bumper about 4 inches from the shopper's calves, to
3368 let the other circling cars know that she belongs to us. Sometimes, two cars
3369 will get into a fight over whom the shopper belongs to, similar to the way
3370 great white sharks will fight over who gets to eat a snorkeler. So, we follow
3371 our shopper closely, hunched over the steering wheel, whistling "It's Beginning
3372 to Look a Lot Like Christmas" through our teeth, until we arrive at her car,
3373 which is usually parked several time zones away from the mall. Sometimes our
3374 shopper tries to indicate she was merely planning to drop off some packages and
3375 go back to shopping. But, when she hears our engine rev in a festive fashion
3376 and sees the holiday gleam in our eyes, she realizes she would never make it.
3377 -- Dave Barry, "Holiday Joy -- Or, the Great Parking Lot
3380 Once there lived a village of creatures along the bottom of a great
3381 crystal river. Each creature in its own manner clung tightly to the twigs
3382 and rocks of the river bottom, for clinging was their way of life, and
3383 resisting the current what each had learned from birth. But one creature
3384 said at last, "I trust that the current knows where it is going. I shall
3385 let go, and let it take me where it will. Clinging, I shall die of boredom."
3386 The other creatures laughed and said, "Fool! Let go, and that current
3387 you worship will throw you tumbled and smashed across the rocks, and you will
3388 die quicker than boredom!"
3389 But the one heeded them not, and taking a breath did let go, and at
3390 once was tumbled and smashed by the current across the rocks. Yet, in time,
3391 as the creature refused to cling again, the current lifted him free from the
3392 bottom, and he was bruised and hurt no more.
3393 And the creatures downstream, to whom he was a stranger, cried, "See
3394 a miracle! A creature like ourselves, yet he flies! See the Messiah, come
3395 to save us all!" And the one carried in the current said, "I am no more
3396 Messiah than you. The river delight to lift us free, if only we dare let go.
3397 Our true work is this voyage, this adventure.
3398 But they cried the more, "Saviour!" all the while clinging to the
3399 rocks, making legends of a Saviour.
3402 Once there lived a village of creatures along the bottom of a
3403 great crystal river. Each creature in its own manner clung tightly to
3404 the twigs and rocks of the river bottom, for clinging was their way of
3405 life, and resisting the current what each had learned from birth. But
3406 one creature said at last, "I trust that the current knows where it is
3407 going. I shall let go, and let it take me where it will. Clinging, I
3408 shall die of boredom."
3409 The other creatures laughed and said, "Fool! Let go, and that
3410 current you worship will throw you tumbled and smashed across the
3411 rocks, and you will die quicker than boredom!"
3412 But the one heeded them not, and taking a breath did let go,
3413 and at once was tumbled and smashed by the current across the rocks.
3414 Yet, in time, as the creature refused to cling again, the current
3415 lifted him free from the bottom, and he was bruised and hurt no more.
3416 And the creatures downstream, to whom he was a stranger, cried,
3417 "See a miracle! A creature like ourselves, yet he flies! See the
3418 Messiah, come to save us all!" And the one carried in the current
3419 said, "I am no more Messiah than you. The river delight to lift us
3420 free, if only we dare let go. Our true work is this voyage, this
3422 But they cried the more, "Saviour!" all the while clinging to
3423 the rocks, making legends of a Saviour.
3425 Once there was a marine biologist who loved dolphins. He spent his
3426 time trying to feed and protect his beloved creatures of the sea. One day,
3427 in a fit of inventive genius, he came up with a serum that would make
3428 dolphins live forever!
3429 Of course he was ecstatic. But he soon realized that in order to mass
3430 produce this serum he would need large amounts of a certain compound that was
3431 only found in nature in the metabolism of a rare South American bird. Carried
3432 away by his love for dolphins, he resolved that he would go to the zoo and
3433 steal one of these birds.
3434 Unbeknownst to him, as he was arriving at the zoo an elderly lion was
3435 escaping from its cage. The zookeepers were alarmed and immediately began
3436 combing the zoo for the escaped animal, unaware that it had simply lain down
3437 on the sidewalk and had gone to sleep.
3438 Meanwhile, the marine biologist arrived at the zoo and procured his
3439 bird. He was so excited by the prospect of helping his dolphins that he
3440 stepped absentmindedly stepped over the sleeping lion on his way back to his
3441 car. Immediately, 1500 policemen converged on him and arrested him for
3442 transporting a myna across a staid lion for immortal porpoises.
3444 Once upon a time there was a beautiful young girl taking a stroll
3445 through the woods. All at once she saw an extremely ugly bull frog seated
3446 on a log and to her amazement the frog spoke to her. "Maiden," croaked the
3447 frog, "would you do me a favor? This will be hard for you to believe, but
3448 I was once a handsome, charming prince and then a mean, ugly old witch cast
3449 a spell over me and turned me into a frog."
3450 "Oh, what a pity!", exclaimed the girl. "I'll do anything I can to
3451 help you break such a spell."
3452 "Well," replied the frog, "the only way that this spell can be
3453 taken away is for some lovely young woman to take me home and let me spend
3454 the night under her pillow."
3455 The young girl took the ugly frog home and placed him beneath her
3456 pillow that night when she retired. When she awoke the next morning, sure
3457 enough, there beside her in bed was a very young, handsome man, clearly of
3458 royal blood. And so they lived happily ever after, except that to this day
3459 her father and mother still don't believe her story.
3461 Once upon a time, there was a fisherman who lived by a great river.
3462 One day, after a hard day's fishing, he hooked what seemed to him to be the
3463 biggest, strongest fish he had ever caught. He fought with it for hours,
3464 until, finally, he managed to bring it to the surface. Looking of the edge
3465 of the boat, he saw the head of this huge fish breaking the surface. Smiling
3466 with pride, he reached over the edge to pull the fish up. Unfortunately, he
3467 accidentally caught his watch on the edge, and, before he knew it, there was a
3468 snap, and his watch tumbled into the water next to the fish with a loud
3469 "sploosh!" Distracted by this shiny object, the fish made a sudden lunge,
3470 simultaneously snapping the line, and swallowing the watch. Sadly, the
3471 fisherman stared into the water, and then began the slow trip back home.
3472 Many years later, the fisherman, now an old man, was working in a
3473 boring assembly-line job in a large city. He worked in a fish-processing
3474 plant. It was his job, as each fish passed under his hands, to chop off their
3475 heads, readying them for the next phase in processing. This monotonous task
3476 went on for years, the dull *thud* of the cleaver chopping of each head being
3477 his entire world, day after day, week after weary week. Well, one day, as he
3478 was chopping fish, he happened to notice that the fish coming towards him on
3479 the line looked very familiar. Yes, yes, it looked... could it be the fish
3480 he had lost on that day so many years ago? He trembled with anticipation as
3481 his cleaver came down. IT STRUCK SOMETHING HARD! IT WAS HIS THUMB!
3483 Once upon a time, there were five blind men who had the opportunity
3484 to experience an elephant for the first time. One approached the elephant,
3485 and, upon encountering one of its sturdy legs, stated, "Ah, an elephant is
3486 like a tree." The second, after exploring the trunk, said, "No, an elephant
3487 is like a strong hose." The third, grasping the tail, said "Fool! An elephant
3488 is like a rope!" The fourth, holding an ear, stated, "No, more like a fan."
3489 And the fifth, leaning against the animal's side, said, "An elephant is like
3490 a wall." The five then began to argue loudly about who had the more accurate
3491 perception of the elephant.
3492 The elephant, tiring of all this abuse, suddenly reared up and
3493 attacked the men. He continued to trample them until they were nothing but
3494 bloody lumps of flesh. Then, strolling away, the elephant remarked, "It just
3495 goes to show that you can't depend on first impressions. When I first saw
3496 them I didn't think they'd be any fun at all."
3498 Once upon a time there were three brothers who were knights
3499 in a certain kingdom. And, there was a Princess in a neighboring kingdom
3500 who was of marriageable age. Well, one day, in full armour, their horses,
3501 and their page, the three brothers set off to see if one of them could
3502 win her hand. The road was long and there were many obstacles along the
3503 way, robbers to be overcome, hard terrain to cross. As they coped with
3504 each obstacle they became more and more disgusted with their page. He was
3505 not only inept, he was a coward, he could not handle the horses, he was,
3506 in short, a complete flop. When they arrived at the court of the kingdom,
3507 they found that they were expected to present the Princess with some
3508 treasure. The two older brothers were discouraged, since they had not
3509 thought of this and were unprepared. The youngest, however, had the
3510 answer: Promise her anything, but give her our page.
3512 Once, when the secrets of science were the jealously guarded property
3513 of a small priesthood, the common man had no hope of mastering their arcane
3514 complexities. Years of study in musty classrooms were prerequisite to
3515 obtaining even a dim, incoherent knowledge of science.
3516 Today all that has changed: a dim, incoherent knowledge of science is
3517 available to anyone.
3518 -- Tom Weller, "Science Made Stupid"
3520 Once you're safely in the mall, you should tie your children to you
3521 with ropes so the other shoppers won't try to buy them. Holiday shoppers
3522 have been whipped into a frenzy by months of holiday advertisements, and
3523 they will buy anything small enough to stuff into a shopping bag. If your
3524 children object to being tied, threaten to take them to see Santa Claus;
3525 that ought to shut them up.
3528 One day a student came to Moon and said, "I understand how to make
3529 a better garbage collector. We must keep a reference count of the pointers
3531 Moon patiently told the student the following story -- "One day a
3532 student came to Moon and said, "I understand how to make a better garbage
3535 One day it was announced that the young monk Kyogen had reached
3536 an enlightened state. Much impressed by this news, several of his peers
3537 went to speak with him.
3538 "We have heard that you are enlightened. Is this true?" his fellow
3540 "It is", Kyogen answered.
3541 "Tell us", said a friend, "how do you feel?"
3542 "As miserable as ever", replied the enlightened Kyogen.
3544 One evening he spoke. Sitting at her feet, his face raised to her,
3545 he allowed his soul to be heard. "My darling, anything you wish, anything
3546 I am, anything I can ever be... That's what I want to offer you -- not the
3547 things I'll get for you, but the thing in me that will make me able to get
3548 them. That thing -- a man can't renounce it -- but I want to renounce it --
3549 so that it will be yours -- so that it will be in your service -- only for
3551 The girl smiled and asked: "Do you think I'm prettier than Maggie
3553 He got up. He said nothing and walked out of the house. He never
3554 saw that girl again. Gail Wynand, who prided himself on never needing a
3555 lesson twice, did not fall in love again in the years that followed.
3556 -- Ayn Rand, "The Fountainhead"
3558 One fine day, the bus driver went to the bus garage, started his bus,
3559 and drove off along the route. No problems for the first few stops -- a few
3560 people got on, a few got off, and things went generally well. At the next
3561 stop, however, a big hulk of a guy got on. Six feet eight, built like a
3562 wrestler, arms hanging down to the ground. He glared at the driver and said,
3563 "Big John doesn't pay!" and sat down at the back.
3564 Did I mention that the driver was five feet three, thin, and basically
3565 meek? Well, he was. Naturally, he didn't argue with Big John, but he wasn't
3566 happy about it. Well, the next day the same thing happened -- Big John got on
3567 again, made a show of refusing to pay, and sat down. And the next day, and the
3568 one after that, and so forth. This grated on the bus driver, who started
3569 losing sleep over the way Big John was taking advantage of him. Finally he
3570 could stand it no longer. He signed up for bodybuilding courses, karate, judo,
3571 and all that good stuff. By the end of the summer, he had become quite strong;
3572 what's more, he felt really good about himself.
3573 So on the next Monday, when Big John once again got on the bus
3574 and said "Big John doesn't pay!," the driver stood up, glared back at the
3575 passenger, and screamed, "And why not?"
3576 With a surprised look on his face, Big John replied, "Big John has a
3579 One night the captain of a tanker saw a light dead ahead. He
3580 directed his signalman to flash a signal to the light which went...
3581 "Change course 10 degrees South."
3582 The reply was quickly flashed back...
3583 "You change course 10 degrees North."
3584 The captain was a little annoyed at this reply and sent a further
3586 "I am a captain. Change course 10 degrees South."
3587 Back came the reply...
3588 "I am an able-seaman. Change course 10 degrees North."
3589 The captain was outraged at this reply and send a message....
3590 "I am a 240,000 tonne tanker. CHANGE course 10 degrees South!"
3591 Back came the reply...
3592 "I am a LIGHTHOUSE. Change course 10 degrees North!!!!"
3593 -- Cruising Helmsman, "On The Right Course"
3595 One of the questions that comes up all the time is: How enthusiastic
3596 is our support for UNIX?
3597 Unix was written on our machines and for our machines many years ago.
3598 Today, much of UNIX being done is done on our machines. Ten percent of our
3599 VAXs are going for UNIX use. UNIX is a simple language, easy to understand,
3600 easy to get started with. It's great for students, great for somewhat casual
3601 users, and it's great for interchanging programs between different machines.
3602 And so, because of its popularity in these markets, we support it. We have
3603 good UNIX on VAX and good UNIX on PDP-11s.
3604 It is our belief, however, that serious professional users will run
3605 out of things they can do with UNIX. They'll want a real system and will end
3606 up doing VMS when they get to be serious about programming.
3607 With UNIX, if you're looking for something, you can easily and quickly
3608 check that small manual and find out that it's not there. With VMS, no matter
3609 what you look for -- it's literally a five-foot shelf of documentation -- if
3610 you look long enough it's there. That's the difference -- the beauty of UNIX
3611 is it's simple; and the beauty of VMS is that it's all there.
3612 -- Ken Olsen, president of DEC, DECWORLD Vol. 8 No. 5, 1984
3613 [It's been argued that the beauty of UNIX is the same as the beauty of Ken
3616 One of the questions that comes up all the time is: How
3617 enthusiastic is our support for UNIX?
3618 Unix was written on our machines and for our machines many
3619 years ago. Today, much of UNIX being done is done on our machines.
3620 Ten percent of our VAXs are going for UNIX use. UNIX is a simple
3621 language, easy to understand, easy to get started with. It's great for
3622 students, great for somewhat casual users, and it's great for
3623 interchanging programs between different machines. And so, because of
3624 its popularity in these markets, we support it. We have good UNIX on
3625 VAX and good UNIX on PDP-11s.
3626 It is our belief, however, that serious professional users will
3627 run out of things they can do with UNIX. They'll want a real system and
3628 will end up doing VMS when they get to be serious about programming.
3629 With UNIX, if you're looking for something, you can easily and
3630 quickly check that small manual and find out that it's not there. With
3631 VMS, no matter what you look for -- it's literally a five-foot shelf of
3632 documentation -- if you look long enough it's there. That's the
3633 difference -- the beauty of UNIX is it's simple; and the beauty of VMS
3634 is that it's all there.
3635 -- Ken Olsen, President of DEC, 1984
3638 ...a report citing a study by Dr. Thomas C. Chalmers, of the Mount Sinai
3639 Medical Center in New York, which compared two groups that were being used
3640 to test the theory that ascorbic acid is a cold preventative. "The group
3641 on placebo who thought they were on ascorbic acid," says Dr. Chalmers,
3642 "had fewer colds than the group on ascorbic acid who thought they were
3645 The placebo is proof that there is no real separation between mind and body.
3646 Illness is always an interaction between both. It can begin in the mind and
3647 affect the body, or it can begin in the body and affect the mind, both of
3648 which are served by the same bloodstream. Attempts to treat most mental
3649 diseases as though they were completely free of physical causes and attempts
3650 to treat most bodily diseases as though the mind were in no way involved must
3651 be considered archaic in the light of new evidence about the way the human
3654 "Anatomy of an Illness as Perceived by the Patient"
3656 Penn's aunts made great apple pies at low prices. No one else in
3657 town could compete with the pie rates of Penn's aunts.
3658 During the American Revolution, a Britisher tried to raid a farm. He
3659 stumbled across a rock on the ground and fell, whereupon an aggressive Rhode
3660 Island Red hopped on top. Seeing this, the farmer commented, "Chicken catch
3662 A wife started serving chopped meat, Monday hamburger, Tuesday meat
3663 loaf, Wednesday tartar steak, and Thursday meatballs. On Friday morning her
3664 husband snarled, "How now, ground cow?"
3665 A journalist, thrilled over his dinner, asked the chef for the recipe.
3666 Retorted the chef, "Sorry, we have the same policy as you journalists, we
3667 never reveal our sauce."
3668 A new chef from India was fired a week after starting the job. He
3669 kept favoring curry.
3670 A couple of kids tried using pickles instead of paddles for a Ping-Pong
3671 game. They had the volley of the Dills.
3673 People of all sorts of genders are reporting great difficulty,
3674 these days, in selecting the proper words to refer to those of the female
3676 "Lady," "woman," and "girl" are all perfectly good words, but
3677 misapplying them can earn one anything from the charge of vulgarity to a good
3678 swift smack. We are messing here with matters of deference, condescension,
3679 respect, bigotry, and two vague concepts, age and rank. It is troubling
3680 enough to get straight who is really what. Those who deliberately misuse
3681 the terms in a misbegotten attempt at flattery are asking for it.
3682 A woman is any grown-up female person. A girl is the un-grown-up
3683 version. If you call a wee thing with chubby cheeks and pink hair ribbons a
3684 "woman," you will probably not get into trouble, and if you do, you will be
3685 able to handle it because she will be under three feet tall. However, if you
3686 call a grown-up by a child's name for the sake of implying that she has a
3687 youthful body, you are also implying that she has a brain to match.
3689 "Perhaps he is not honest," Mr. Frostee said inside Cobb's head,
3690 sounding a bit worried.
3691 "Of course he isn't," Cobb answered. "What we have to look out for
3692 is him calling the cops anyway, or trying to blackmail us for more money."
3693 "I think you should kill him and eat his brain," Mr. Frostee
3695 "That's not the answer to *every* problem in interpersonal relations,"
3696 Cobb said, hopping out.
3697 -- Rudy Rucker, "Software"
3699 Phases of a Project:
3703 (4) Search for the Guilty.
3704 (5) Punishment for the Innocent.
3705 (6) Distinction for the Uninvolved.
3707 Plumbing is one of the easier of do-it-yourself activities,
3708 requiring only a few simple tools and a willingness to stick your arm
3709 into a clogged toilet. In fact, you can solve many home plumbing
3710 problems, such as annoying faucet drip, merely by turning up the
3711 radio. But before we get into specific techniques, let's look at how
3713 A plumbing system is very much like your electrical system,
3714 except that instead of electricity, it has water, and instead of wires,
3715 it has pipes, and instead of radios and waffle irons, it has faucets
3716 and toilets. So the truth is that your plumbing systems is nothing at
3717 all like your electrical system, which is good, because electricity can
3719 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
3721 Price Wang's programmer was coding software. His fingers danced upon
3722 the keyboard. The program compiled without an error message, and the program
3723 ran like a gentle wind.
3724 Excellent!" the Price exclaimed, "Your technique is faultless!"
3725 "Technique?" said the programmer, turning from his terminal, "What I
3726 follow is the Tao -- beyond all technique. When I first began to program I
3727 would see before me the whole program in one mass. After three years I no
3728 longer saw this mass. Instead, I used subroutines. But now I see nothing.
3729 My whole being exists in a formless void. My senses are idle. My spirit,
3730 free to work without a plan, follows its own instinct. In short, my program
3731 writes itself. True, sometimes there are difficult problems. I see them
3732 coming, I slow down, I watch silently. Then I change a single line of code
3733 and the difficulties vanish like puffs of idle smoke. I then compile the
3734 program. I sit still and let the joy of the work fill my being. I close my
3735 eyes for a moment and then log off."
3736 Price Wang said, "Would that all of my programmers were as wise!"
3737 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
3739 "Reflections on Ice-Breaking"
3746 Reporters like Bill Greider from the Washington Post and Him
3747 Naughton of the New York Times, for instance, had to file long, detailed,
3748 and relatively complex stories every day -- while my own deadline fell
3749 every two weeks -- but neither of them ever seemed in a hurry about
3750 getting their work done, and from time to time they would try to console
3751 me about the terrible pressure I always seemed to be laboring under.
3752 Any $100-an-hour psychiatrist could probably explain this problem
3753 to me, in thirteen or fourteen sessions, but I don't have time for that.
3754 No doubt it has something to do with a deep-seated personality defect, or
3755 maybe a kink in whatever blood vessel leads into the pineal gland... On
3756 the other hand, it might be something as simple & basically perverse as
3757 whatever instinct it is that causes a jackrabbit to wait until the last
3758 possible second to dart across the road in front of a speeding car.
3759 -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing: On the Campaign Trail"
3761 "Richard, in being so fierce toward my vampire, you were doing
3762 what you wanted to do, even though you thought it was going to hurt
3763 somebody else. He even told you he'd be hurt if..."
3764 "He was going to suck my blood!"
3765 "Which is what we do to anyone when we tell them we'll be hurt
3766 if they don't live our way."
3768 "The thing that puzzles you," he said, "is an accepted saying that
3769 happens to be impossible. The phrase is hurt somebody else. We choose,
3770 ourselves, to be hurt or not to be hurt, no matter what. Us who decides.
3771 Nobody else. My vampire told you he'd be hurt if you didn't let him? That's
3772 his decision to be hurt, that's his choice. What you do about it is your
3773 decision, your choice: give him blood; ignore him; tie him up; drive a stake
3774 through his heart. If he doesn't want the holly stake, he's free to resist,
3775 in whatever way he wants. It goes on and on, choices, choices."
3776 "When you look at it that way..."
3777 "Listen," he said, "it's important. We are all. Free. To do.
3778 Whatever. We want. To do."
3779 -- Richard Bach, "Illusions"
3781 Risch's decision procedure for integration, not surprisingly,
3782 uses a recursion on the number and type of the extensions from the
3783 rational functions needed to represent the integrand. Although the
3784 algorithm follows and critically depends upon the appropriate structure
3785 of the input, as in the case of multivariate factorization, we cannot
3786 claim that the algorithm is a natural one. In fact, the creator of
3787 differential algebra, Ritt, committed suicide in the early 1950's,
3788 largely, it is claimed, because few paid attention to his work. Probably
3789 he would have received more attention had he obtained the algorithm as
3791 -- Joel Moses, "Algorithms and Complexity", ed. J. F. Traub
3793 Robert Kennedy's 1964 Senatorial campaign planners told him that
3794 their intention was to present him to the television viewers as a sincere,
3795 generous person. "You going to use a double?" asked Kennedy.
3797 Thumbing through a promotional pamphlet prepared for his 1964
3798 Senatorial campaign, Robert Kennedy came across a photograph of himself
3799 shaking hands with a well-known labor leader.
3800 "There must be a better photo that this," said Kennedy to the
3801 advertising men in charge of his campaign.
3802 "What's wrong with this one?" asked one adman.
3803 "That fellow's in jail," said Kennedy.
3804 -- Bill Adler, "The Washington Wits"
3812 Sam went to his psychiatrist complaining of a hatred for elephants.
3813 "I can't stand elephants," he explained. "I lie awake nights despising
3814 them. The thought of an elephant fills me with loathing."
3815 "Sam," said the psychiatrist, "there's only one thing for you to do.
3816 Go to Africa, organize a safari, find an elephant in the jungle and shoot it.
3817 That way you'll get it out of your system."
3818 Sam immediately made arrangements for a safari hunt in Africa,
3819 inviting his best friend to join him. They arrived in Nairobi and lost no
3820 time getting out on the jungle trails. After they had been hunting for
3821 several days, Sam's best friend grabbed him by the arm one morning and
3823 "Sam, Sam, Sam! Over there behind that tree there's and elephant!
3824 Sam -- Get your gun -- no, no, not THAT gun -- the rifle with the longer
3825 barrel! Now aim it! QUICK! SAM! QUICK! No! Not that way -- this way!
3826 Be sure you don't jerk the trigger! Wait SAM! Don't let him see you! Aim
3828 Sam whirled around, took aim, and killed his friend. He was put in
3829 prison and his psychiatrist flew to Africa to visit him. "I sent you over
3830 here to kill an elephant and instead you shoot your best friend," the
3831 psychiatrist said. "Why?"
3832 "Well," Sam replied, "there's only one thing in the world that I
3833 hate more than elephants and that is a loudmouth know-it-all!"
3835 Seems George was playing his usual eighteen holes on Saturday
3836 afternoon. Teeing off from the 17th, he sliced into the rough over near
3837 the edge of the fairway. Just as he was about to chip out, he noticed a
3838 long funeral procession going past on a nearby street. Reverently, George
3839 removed his hat and stood at attention until the procession had passed.
3840 Then he continued his game, finishing with a birdie on the eighteenth.
3841 Later, at the clubhouse, a fellow golfer greet George. "Say, that was a
3842 nice gesture you made today, George.
3843 "What do you mean?" asked George.
3844 "Well, it was nice of you to take off your cap and stand
3845 respectfully when that funeral went by," the friend replied.
3846 "Oh, yes," said George. "Well, we were married 17 years, you
3849 "Seven years and six months!" Humpty Dumpty repeated
3850 thoughtfully. "An uncomfortable sort of age. Now if you'd asked MY
3851 advice, I'd have said `Leave off at seven' -- but it's too late now."
3852 "I never ask advice about growing," Alice said indignantly.
3853 "Too proud?" the other enquired.
3854 Alice felt even more indignant at this suggestion. "I mean,"
3855 she said, "that one can't help growing older."
3856 "ONE can't, perhaps," said Humpty Dumpty; "but TWO can. With
3857 proper assistance, you might have left off at seven."
3858 -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking-Glass"
3860 Several students were asked to prove that all odd integers are prime.
3861 The first student to try to do this was a math student. "Hmmm...
3862 Well, 1 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, and by induction, we have that all
3863 the odd integers are prime."
3864 The second student to try was a man of physics who commented, "I'm not
3865 sure of the validity of your proof, but I think I'll try to prove it by
3866 experiment." He continues, "Well, 1 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is
3867 prime, 9 is... uh, 9 is... uh, 9 is an experimental error, 11 is prime, 13
3868 is prime... Well, it seems that you're right."
3869 The third student to try it was the engineering student, who responded,
3870 "Well, to be honest, actually, I'm not sure of your answer either. Let's
3871 see... 1 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is... uh, 9 is...
3872 well, if you approximate, 9 is prime, 11 is prime, 13 is prime... Well, it
3874 Not to be outdone, the computer science student comes along and says
3875 "Well, you two sort've got the right idea, but you'll end up taking too long!
3876 I've just whipped up a program to REALLY go and prove it." He goes over to
3877 his terminal and runs his program. Reading the output on the screen he says,
3878 "1 is prime, 1 is prime, 1 is prime, 1 is prime..."
3880 "Sheriff, we gotta catch Black Bart."
3881 "Oh, yeah? What's he look like?"
3882 "Well, he's wearin' a paper hat, a paper shirt, paper pants and
3884 "What's he wanted for?"
3887 So Richard and I decided to try to catch [the small shark].
3888 With a great deal of strategy and effort and shouting, we managed to
3889 maneuver the shark, over the course of about a half-hour, to a sort of
3890 corner of the lagoon, so that it had no way to escape other than to
3891 flop up onto the land and evolve. Richard and I were inching toward
3892 it, sort of crouched over, when all of a sudden it turned around and --
3893 I can still remember the sensation I felt at that moment, primarily in
3894 the armpit area -- headed right straight toward us.
3895 Many people would have panicked at this point. But Richard and
3896 I were not "many people." We were experienced waders, and we kept our
3897 heads. We did exactly what the textbook says you should do when you're
3898 unarmed and a shark that is nearly two feet long turns on you in water
3899 up to your lower calves: We sprinted I would say 600 yards in the
3900 opposite direction, using a sprinting style such that the bottoms of
3901 our feet never once went below the surface of the water. We ran all
3902 the way to the far shore, and if we had been in a Warner Brothers
3903 cartoon we would have run right INTO the beach, and you would have seen
3904 these two mounds of sand racing across the island until they bonked
3905 into trees and coconuts fell onto their heads.
3906 -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV"
3908 Some 1500 miles west of the Big Apple we find the Minneapple, a
3909 haven of tranquility in troubled times. It's a good town, a civilized town.
3910 A town where they still know how to get your shirts back by Thursday. Let
3911 the Big Apple have the feats of "Broadway Joe" Namath. We have known the
3912 stolid but steady Killebrew. Listening to Cole Porter over a dry martini
3913 may well suit those unlucky enough never to have heard the Whoopee John Polka
3914 Band and never to have shared a pitcher of 3.2 Grain Belt Beer. The loss is
3915 theirs. And the Big Apple has yet to bake the bagel that can match peanut
3916 butter on lefse. Here is a town where the major urban problem is dutch elm
3917 disease and the number one crime is overtime parking. We boast more theater
3918 per capita than the Big Apple. We go to see, not to be seen. We go even
3919 when we must shovel ten inches of snow from the driveway to get there. Indeed
3920 the winters are fierce. But then comes the marvel of the Minneapple summer.
3921 People flock to the city's lakes to frolic and rejoice at the sight of so
3922 much happy humanity free from the bonds of the traditional down-filled parka.
3923 Here's to the Minneapple. And to its people. Our flair for style is balanced
3924 by a healthy respect for wind chill factors.
3925 And we always, always eat our vegetables.
3926 This is the Minneapple.
3928 Something mysterious is formed, born in the silent void. Waiting
3929 alone and unmoving, it is at once still and yet in constant motion. It is
3930 the source of all programs. I do not know its name, so I will call it the
3932 If the Tao is great, then the operating system is great. If the
3933 operating system is great, then the compiler is great. If the compiler is
3934 greater, then the applications is great. The user is pleased and there is
3935 harmony in the world.
3936 The Tao of Programming flows far away and returns on the wind of
3938 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
3940 Somewhat alarmed at the continued growth of the number of employees
3941 on the Department of Agriculture payroll in 1962, Michigan Republican Robert
3942 Griffin proposed an amendment to the farm bill so that "the total number of
3943 employees in the Department of Agriculture at no time exceeds the number of
3944 farmers in America."
3945 -- Bill Adler, "The Washington Wits"
3947 Split 1/4 bottle .187 liters
3949 Bottle 750 milliliters
3950 Magnum 2 bottles 1.5 liters
3952 Rehoboam 6 bottles Not available in the US
3953 Methuselah 8 bottles
3954 Salmanazar 12 bottles
3955 Balthazar 16 bottles
3956 Nebuchadnezzar 20 bottles 15 liters
3957 Sovereign 34 bottles 26 liters
3959 The Sovereign is a new bottle, made for the launching of the
3960 largest cruise ship in the world. The bottle alone cost 8,000 dollars
3961 to produce and they only made 8 of them.
3962 Most of the funny names come from Biblical people.
3964 Stop! Whoever crosseth the bridge of Death, must answer first
3965 these questions three, ere the other side he see!
3967 "What is your name?"
3968 "Sir Brian of Bell."
3969 "What is your quest?"
3970 "I seek the Holy Grail."
3971 "What are four lowercase letters that are not legal flag arguments
3972 to the Berkeley UNIX version of `ls'?"
3973 "I, er.... AIIIEEEEEE!"
3975 Strange memories on this nervous night in Las Vegas. Five years later?
3976 Six? It seems like a lifetime, or at least a Main Era -- the kind of peak that
3977 never comes again. San Francisco in the middle sixties was a very special time
3978 and place to be a part of. Maybe it meant something. Maybe not, in the long
3979 run... There was madness in any direction, at any hour. If not across the
3980 Bay, then up the Golden Gate or down 101 to Los Altos or La Honda... You could
3981 strike sparks anywhere. There was a fantastic universal sense that whatever we
3982 were doing was right, that we were winning...
3983 And that, I think, was the handle -- that sense of inevitable victory
3984 over the forces of Old and Evil. Not in any mean or military sense; we didn't
3985 need that. Our energy would simply prevail. There was no point in fighting
3986 -- on our side or theirs. We had all the momentum; we were riding the crest
3987 of a high and beautiful wave. So now, less than five years later, you can go
3988 up on a steep hill in Las Vegas and look West, and with the right kind of eyes
3989 you can almost see the high-water mark -- that place where the wave finally
3990 broke and rolled back.
3991 -- Hunter S. Thompson
3993 "That wife of mine is a liar," said the angry husband to a
3994 sympathetic pal seated next to him in a bar.
3995 "How do you know?" the friend asked.
3996 "She didn't come home last night, and when I asked her where
3997 she'd been she said she'd spent the night with her sister Shirley."
3999 "So, she's a liar. I spent the night with her sister Shirley."
4001 "That's right; the upper-case shift works fine on the screen, but
4002 they're not coming out on the damn printer... Hold? Sure, I'll hold."
4003 -- e. e. cummings last service call
4005 The boss returned from lunch in a good mood and called the whole staff
4006 in to listen to a couple of jokes he had picked up. Everybody but one girl
4007 laughed uproariously. "What's the matter?" grumbled the boss. "Haven't you
4008 got a sense of humor?"
4009 "I don't have to laugh," she said. "I'm leaving Friday anyway.
4011 The defense attorney was hammering away at the plaintiff:
4012 "You claim," he jeered, "that my client came at you with a broken bottle
4013 in his hand. But is it not true, that you had something in YOUR hand?"
4014 "Yes," the man admitted, "his wife. Very charming, of course,
4015 but not much good in a fight."
4017 The devout Jew was beside himself because his son had been dating
4018 a shiksa, so he went to visit his rabbi. The rabbi listened solemnly to
4019 his problem, took his hand, and said, "Pray to God."
4020 So the Jew went to the synagogue, bowed his head, and prayed, "God,
4021 please help me. My son, my favorite son, he's going to marry a shiksa, he
4022 sees nothing but goyim..."
4023 "Your son," boomed down this voice from the heavens, "you think
4024 you got problems. What about my son?"
4026 The doctor had just finished giving the young man a thorough
4027 physical examination. "The best thing for you to do," the M.D. said,
4028 "is give up drinking, give up smoking, get to bed early and stay away
4030 "Doc, I don't deserve the best," pleaded his patient. "What's
4033 The FIELD GUIDE to NORTH AMERICAN MALES
4035 SPECIES: Cranial Males
4036 SUBSPECIES: The Hacker (homo computatis)
4038 Due to extreme deprivation, HOMO COMPUTATIS maintains a near perpetual
4039 state of sexual readiness. Courtship behavior alternates between
4040 awkward shyness and abrupt advances. When he finally mates, he
4041 chooses a female engineer with an unblinking stare, a tight mouth, and
4042 a complete collection of Campbell's soup-can recipes.
4044 Trash cans full of pale green and white perforated paper and old
4045 copies of the Allen-Bradley catalog.
4047 Extremely fond of bad puns and jokes that need long explanations.
4049 The FIELD GUIDE to NORTH AMERICAN MALES
4051 SPECIES: Cranial Males
4052 SUBSPECIES: The Hacker (homo computatis)
4054 Gangly and frail, the hacker has a high forehead and thinning hair.
4055 Head disproportionately large and crooked forward, complexion wan and
4056 sightly gray from CRT illumination. He has heavy black-rimmed glasses
4057 and a look of intense concentration, which may be due to a software
4058 problem or to a pork-and-bean breakfast.
4060 HOMO COMPUTATIS saw a Brylcreem ad fifteen years ago and believed it.
4061 Consequently, crest is greased down, except for the cowlick.
4063 A rather plaintive "Is it up?"
4065 The FIELD GUIDE to NORTH AMERICAN MALES
4067 SPECIES: Cranial Males
4068 SUBSPECIES: The Hacker (homo computatis)
4070 All clothes have a slightly crumpled look as though they came off the
4071 top of the laundry basket. Style varies with status. Hacker managers
4072 wear gray polyester slacks, pink or pastel shirts with wide collars,
4073 and paisley ties; staff wears cinched-up baggy corduroy pants, white
4074 or blue shirts with button-down collars, and penholder in pocket.
4075 Both managers and staff wear running shoes to work, and a black
4076 plastic digital watch with calculator.
4078 The foreman of a lumber camp put a new workman on the circular saw.
4079 As he turned away, he heard the man say, "Ouch!".
4081 "Dunno," replied the man. "I just stuck out my hand like this, and
4082 -- well, I'll be damned. There goes another one!"
4084 The General disliked trying to explain the highly technical
4085 inner workings of the U.S. Air Force.
4086 "$7,662 for a ten cup coffee maker, General?" the Senator asked.
4087 In his head he ran through his standard explanations. "It's not so,"
4088 he thought. "It's a deterrent." Soon he came up with, "It's computerized,
4089 Senator. Tiny computer chips make coffee that's smooth and full-bodied. Try
4091 The Senator did. "Pfffttt! Tastes like jet fuel!"
4092 "It's not so," the General thought. "It's a deterrent."
4093 Then he remembered something. "We bought a lot of untested computer
4094 chips," the General answered. "They got into everything. Just a little
4095 mix-up. Nothing serious."
4096 Then he remembered something else. It was at the site of the
4097 mysterious B-1 crash. A strange smell in the fuel lines. It smelled like
4098 coffee. Smooth and full bodied...
4099 -- Another Episode of General's Hospital
4101 "The Good Ship Enterprise" (to the tune of "The Good Ship Lollipop")
4103 On the good ship Enterprise
4104 Every week there's a new surprise
4105 Where the Romulans lurk
4106 And the Klingons often go berserk.
4108 Yes, the good ship Enterprise
4109 There's excitement anywhere it flies
4111 And Nurse Chapel never gets her way.
4113 See Captain Kirk standing on the bridge,
4114 Mr. Spock is at his side.
4115 The weekly menace, ooh-ooh
4116 It gets fried, scattered far and wide.
4118 It's the good ship Enterprise
4119 Heading out where danger lies
4120 And you live in dread
4121 If you're wearing a shirt that's red.
4122 -- Doris Robin and Karen Trimble of The L.A. Filkharmonics
4124 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy has a few things to say on
4125 the subject of towels.
4126 A towel, it says, is about the most massively useful thing an
4127 interstellar hitchhiker can have. Partly it has great practical value.
4128 You can wrap it around you for warmth as you bound across the cold moons
4129 of Jaglan Beta; you can lie on it on the brilliant marble-sanded beaches
4130 of Santraginus V ... use it to sail a miniraft down the slow heavy River
4131 Moth; wave your towel in emergencies, and, of course, dry yourself off
4132 with it if it still seems to be clean enough.
4133 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
4135 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy has a few things to say on
4136 the subject of towels.
4137 Most importantly, a towel has immense psychological value. For
4138 some reason, if a non-hitchhiker discovers that a hitchhiker has his towel
4139 with him, he will automatically assume that he is also in possession of a
4140 toothbrush, washcloth, flask, gnat spray, space suit, etc., etc. Furthermore,
4141 the non-hitchhiker will then happily lend the hitchhiker any of these or
4142 a dozen other items that he may have "lost". After all, any man who can
4143 hitch the length and breadth of the Galaxy, struggle against terrible odds,
4144 win through and still know where his towel is, is clearly a man to be
4146 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
4148 The honeymooning couple agreed it was a fine day for horseback riding.
4149 After a mile or so, the bride's mount cantered under a low tree and a
4150 branch scraped her forehead lightly. The groom dismounted, glared at his
4151 wife's horse, and said, "That's number one."
4152 The ride then proceeded. After another mile or so, the bride's
4153 horse stumbled over a pebble and the lady suffered a slight jostling.
4154 Again, her man leapt from his saddle and strode over to the nervous animal.
4155 "That's two," he said.
4156 Five miles later, the bride's horse became frightened when a rabbit
4157 crossed its path, reared up and threw the girl. Immediately, the groom was
4158 off his horse. "That's three!", he shouted, and, pulling out a pistol, he
4159 shot the horse between the eyes.
4160 "You brute!" shrieked his bride. "Now I see the kind of man I
4161 married! You're a sadist, that's what!"
4162 The groom turned to her coolly. "That's one," he said.
4164 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #10: SIMPLE
4166 SIMPLE is an acronym for Sheer Idiot's Monopurpose Programming Language
4167 Environment. This language, developed at the Hanover College for
4168 Technological Misfits, was designed to make it impossible to write code
4169 with errors in it. The statements are, therefore, confined to BEGIN,
4170 END and STOP. No matter how you arrange the statements, you can't make
4171 a syntax error. Programs written in SIMPLE do nothing useful. Thus
4172 they achieve the results of programs written in other languages without
4173 the tedious, frustrating process of testing and debugging.
4175 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #12: LITHP
4177 This otherwise unremarkable language is distinguished by the absence of
4178 an "S" in its character set; users must substitute "TH". LITHP is said
4179 to be useful in protheththing lithtth.
4181 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #13: SLOBOL
4183 SLOBOL is best known for the speed, or lack of it, of its compiler.
4184 Although many compilers allow you to take a coffee break while they
4185 compile, SLOBOL compilers allow you to travel to Bolivia to pick the
4186 coffee. Forty-three programmers are known to have died of boredom
4187 sitting at their terminals while waiting for a SLOBOL program to
4188 compile. Weary SLOBOL programmers often turn to a related (but
4189 infinitely faster) language, COCAINE.
4191 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #17: SARTRE
4193 Named after the late existential philosopher, SARTRE is an extremely
4194 unstructured language. Statements in SARTRE have no purpose; they just
4195 are. Thus SARTRE programs are left to define their own functions.
4196 SARTRE programmers tend to be boring and depressed, and are no fun at
4199 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #18: C-
4201 This language was named for the grade received by its creator when he
4202 submitted it as a class project in a graduate programming class. C- is
4203 best described as a "low-level" programming language. In fact, the
4204 language generally requires more C- statements than machine-code
4205 statements to execute a given task. In this respect, it is very
4208 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #18a: FIFTH
4210 FIFTH is a precision mathematical language in which the data types
4211 refer to quantity. The data types range from CC, OUNCE, SHOT, and
4212 JIGGER to FIFTH (hence the name of the language), LITER, MAGNUM and
4213 BLOTTO. Commands refer to ingredients such as CHABLIS, CHARDONNAY,
4214 CABERNET, GIN, VERMOUTH, VODKA, SCOTCH, and WHATEVERSAROUND.
4216 The many versions of the FIFTH language reflect the sophistication and
4217 financial status of its users. Commands in the ELITE dialect include
4218 VSOP and LAFITE, while commands in the GUTTER dialect include HOOTCH,
4219 THUNDERBIRD, RIPPLE and HOUSERED. The latter is a favorite of frustrated
4220 FORTH programmers who end up using this language.
4222 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #2: RENE
4224 Named after the famous French philosopher and mathematician Rene
4225 Descartes, RENE is a language used for artificial intelligence. The
4226 language is being developed at the Chicago Center of Machine Politics
4227 and Programming under a grant from the Jane Byrne Victory Fund. A
4228 spokesman described the language as "Just as great as dis [sic] city of
4231 The center is very pleased with progress to date. They say they have
4232 almost succeeded in getting a VAX to think. However, sources inside the
4233 organization say that each time the machine fails to think it ceases to
4236 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #5: VALGOL
4237 From its modest beginnings in Southern California's San Fernando Valley,
4238 VALGOL is enjoying a dramatic surge of popularity across the industry.
4240 Here is a sample program:
4241 LIKE, Y*KNOW(I MEAN)START
4242 IF PIZZA = LIKE BITCHEN AND GUY = LIKE TUBULAR AND
4243 VALLEY GIRL = LIKE GRODY**MAX(FERSURE)**2 THEN
4244 FOR I = LIKE 1 TO OH*MAYBE 100
4246 BARF(I)=TOTALLY GROSS(OUT)
4248 LIKE BAG THIS PROGRAM
4250 LIKE TOTALLY (Y*KNOW)
4254 When the user makes a syntax error, the interpreter displays the message:
4256 GAG ME WITH A SPOON!!
4258 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #8: LAIDBACK
4260 This language was developed at the Marin County Center for T'ai Chi,
4261 Mellowness and Computer Programming (now defunct), as an alternative to
4262 the more intense atmosphere in nearby Silicon Valley.
4264 The center was ideal for programmers who liked to soak in hot tubs
4265 while they worked. Unfortunately few programmers could survive there
4266 because the center outlawed Pizza and Coca-Cola in favor of Tofu and
4269 Many mourn the demise of LAIDBACK because of its reputation as a gentle
4270 and non-threatening language since all error messages are in lower
4271 case. For example, LAIDBACK responded to syntax errors with the
4273 "i hate to bother you, but i just can't relate to that. can
4274 you find the time to try it again?"
4276 The Lord and I are in a sheep-shepherd relationship, and I am in
4277 a position of negative need.
4278 He prostrates me in a green-belt grazing area.
4279 He conducts me directionally parallel to non-torrential aqueous
4281 He returns to original satisfaction levels my psychological makeup.
4282 He switches me on to a positive behavioral format for maximal
4283 prestige of His identity.
4284 It should indeed be said that notwithstanding the fact that I make
4285 ambulatory progress through the umbrageous inter-hill mortality slot, terror
4286 sensations will no be initiated in me, due to para-etical phenomena.
4287 Your pastoral walking aid and quadrupic pickup unit introduce me
4288 into a pleasurific mood state.
4289 You design and produce a nutriment-bearing furniture-type structure
4290 in the context of non-cooperative elements.
4291 You act out a head-related folk ritual employing vegetable extract.
4292 My beverage utensil experiences a volume crisis.
4293 It is an ongoing deductible fact that your inter-relational
4294 empathetical and non-ventious capabilities will retain me as their
4295 target-focus for the duration of my non-death period, and I will possess
4296 tenant rights in the housing unit of the Lord on a permanent, open-ended
4299 The Magician of the Ivory Tower brought his latest invention for the
4300 master programmer to examine. The magician wheeled a large black box into the
4301 master's office while the master waited in silence.
4302 "This is an integrated, distributed, general-purpose workstation,"
4303 began the magician, "ergonomically designed with a proprietary operating
4304 system, sixth generation languages, and multiple state of the art user
4305 interfaces. It took my assistants several hundred man years to construct.
4307 The master raised his eyebrows slightly. "It is indeed amazing," he
4309 "Corporate Headquarters has commanded," continued the magician, "that
4310 everyone use this workstation as a platform for new programs. Do you agree
4312 "Certainly," replied the master, "I will have it transported to the
4313 data center immediately!" And the magician returned to his tower, well
4315 Several days later, a novice wandered into the office of the master
4316 programmer and said, "I cannot find the listing for my new program. Do
4317 you know where it might be?"
4318 "Yes," replied the master, "the listings are stacked on the platform
4319 in the data center."
4320 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
4322 The Martian landed his saucer in Manhattan, and immediately upon
4323 emerging was approached by a panhandler. "Mister," said the man, "can I
4325 The Martian asked, "What's a quarter?"
4326 The panhandler thought a minute, brightened, then said, "You're
4327 right! Can I have a dollar?"
4329 The master programmer moves from program to program without fear. No
4330 change in management can harm him. He will not be fired, even if the project
4331 is canceled. Why is this? He is filled with the Tao.
4332 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
4334 The men sat sipping their tea in silence. After a while the
4335 klutz said, "Life is like a bowl of sour cream."
4337 "Like a bowl of sour cream?" asked the other. "Why?"
4339 "How should I know? What am I, a philosopher?"
4341 The Minnesota Board of Education voted to consider requiring all
4342 students to do some "volunteer work" as a prerequisite to high school gradu-
4344 Senator Orrin Hatch said that "capital punishment is our society's
4345 recognition of the sanctity of human life."
4347 According to the tax bill signed by President Reagan on December 22,
4348 1987, Don Tyson and his sister-in-law Barbara run a "family farm." Their
4349 "farm" has 25,000 employees and grosses $1.7 billion a year. But as a "family
4350 farm" they get tax breaks that save them $135 million a year.
4352 Scott L. Pickard, spokesperson for the Massachusetts Department of
4353 Public Works, calls them "ground-mounted confirmatory route markers." You
4354 probably call them road signs, but then you don't work in a government agency.
4356 It's not "elderly" or "senior citizens" anymore. Now it's "chrono-
4357 logically experienced citizens."
4359 According to the FAA, the propeller blade didn't break off, it was
4360 just a case of "uncontained blade liberation."
4361 -- Quarterly Review of Doublespeak (NCTE)
4363 The only real game in the world, I think, is baseball...
4364 You've got to start way down, at the bottom, when you're six or seven years
4365 old. You can't wait until you're fifteen or sixteen. You've got to let it
4366 grow up with you, and if you're successful and you try hard enough, you're
4367 bound to come out on top, just like these boys have come to the top now.
4368 -- Babe Ruth, in his 1948 farewell speech at Yankee Stadium
4370 The people of Halifax invented the trampoline. During the
4371 Victorian period the tripe-dressers of Halifax stretched tripe across a
4372 large wooden frame and jumped up and down on it to `tender and dress'
4373 it. The tripoline, as they called it, degenerated into becoming the
4374 apparatus for a spectator sport.
4376 The people of Halifax also invented the harmonium, a device for
4377 castrating pigs during Sunday service.
4378 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
4380 The Priest's grey nimbus in a niche where he dressed discreetly.
4381 I will not sleep here tonight. Home also I cannot go.
4382 A voice, sweetened and sustained, called to him from the sea.
4383 Turning the curve he waved his hand. A sleek brown head, a seal's, far
4384 out on the water, round. Usurper.
4385 -- James Joyce, "Ulysses"
4387 The programmers of old were mysterious and profound. We cannot fathom
4388 their thoughts, so all we do is describe their appearance.
4389 Aware, like a fox crossing the water. Alert, like a general on the
4390 battlefield. Kind, like a hostess greeting her guests. Simple, like uncarved
4391 blocks of wood. Opaque, like black pools in darkened caves.
4392 Who can tell the secrets of their hearts and minds?
4393 The answer exists only in the Tao.
4394 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
4396 The salesman and the system analyst took off to spend a weekend in the
4397 forest, hunting bear. They'd rented a cabin, and, when they got there, took
4398 their backpacks off and put them inside. At which point the salesman turned
4399 to his friend, and said, "You unpack while I go and find us a bear."
4400 Puzzled, the analyst finished unpacking and then went and sat down
4401 on the porch. Soon he could hear rustling noises in the forest. The noises
4402 got nearer -- and louder -- and suddenly there was the salesman, running like
4403 hell across the clearing toward the cabin, pursued by one of the largest and
4404 most ferocious grizzly bears the analyst had ever seen.
4405 "Open the door!", screamed the salesman.
4406 The analyst whipped open the door, and the salesman ran to the door,
4407 suddenly stopped, and stepped aside. The bear, unable to stop, continued
4408 through the door and into the cabin. The salesman slammed the door closed
4409 and grinned at his friend. "Got him!", he exclaimed, "now, you skin this
4410 one and I'll go rustle us up another!"
4412 The seven eyes of Ningauble the Wizard floated back to his hood
4413 as he reported to Fafhrd: "I have seen much, yet cannot explain all.
4414 The Gray Mouser is exactly twenty-five feet below the deepest cellar in
4415 the palace of Gilpkerio Kistomerces. Even though twenty-four parts in
4416 twenty-five of him are dead, he is alive.
4418 "Now about Lankhmar. She's been invaded, her walls breached
4419 everywhere and desperate fighting is going on in the streets, by a
4420 fierce host which out-numbers Lankhmar's inhabitants by fifty to one --
4421 and equipped with all modern weapons. Yet you can save the city."
4423 "How?" demanded Fafhrd.
4425 Ningauble shrugged. "You're a hero. You should know."
4426 -- Fritz Leiber, from "The Swords of Lankhmar"
4428 The Soviet pre-eminence in chess can be traced to the average
4429 Russian's readiness to brood obsessively over anything, even the arrangement
4430 of some pieces of wood. Indeed, the Russians' predisposition for quiet
4431 reflection followed by sudden preventive action explains why they led the
4432 field for many years in both chess and ax murders. It is well known that as
4433 early as 1970, the U.S.S.R., aware of what a defeat at Reykjavik would do to
4434 national prestige, implemented a vigorous program of preparation and
4435 incentive. Every day for an entire year, a team of psychologists, chess
4436 analysts and coaches met with the top three Russian grand masters and
4437 threatened them with a pointy stick. That these tactics proved fruitless
4438 is now a part of chess history and a further testament to the American way,
4439 which provides that if you want something badly enough, you can always go to
4440 Iceland and get it from the Russians.
4441 -- Marshall Brickman, "Playboy"
4443 The Tao gave birth to machine language. Machine language gave birth
4445 The assembler gave birth to the compiler. Now there are ten thousand
4447 Each language has its purpose, however humble. Each language
4448 expresses the Yin and Yang of software. Each language has its place within
4450 But do not program in COBOL if you can avoid it.
4451 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
4453 The way my jeweler explained it, it's like insurance.
4454 Six months' pay isn't much to keep my wife from sleeping around.
4456 A diamond -- pure, sparkling, natural, flawless, forever. The way marriage
4457 should be but never quite is. People grow and change and sometimes want to
4458 take their clothes off with strangers. So when you invest in a fine piece
4459 of diamond jewelry, you're not only making an investment, you're making a
4460 statement. You're telling the woman you love that you've just spent a lot
4461 of your hard-earned money on her. Now she owes you the kind of loyalty that
4462 only precious jewelry can buy. Isn't she worth it?
4464 The Honeymoon's Over: from $ 5000
4465 The Seven Year Itch: from $10000
4466 No More Lunchtime Quickies: from $15000
4467 Divorce Would Be More Expensive: from $42000
4469 A diamond is for leverage. BeDears
4471 The wise programmer is told about the Tao and follows it. The average
4472 programmer is told about the Tao and searches for it. The foolish programmer
4473 is told about the Tao and laughs at it. If it were not for laughter, there
4475 The highest sounds are the hardest to hear. Going forward is a way to
4476 retreat. Greater talent shows itself late in life. Even a perfect program
4478 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
4482 The wombat lives across the seas,
4483 Among the far Antipodes.
4484 He may exist on nuts and berries,
4485 Or then again, on missionaries;
4486 His distant habitat precludes
4487 Conclusive knowledge of his moods.
4488 But I would not engage the wombat
4489 In any form of mortal combat.
4491 The world's most avid baseball fan (an Aggie) had arrived at the
4492 stadium for the first game of the World Series only to realize he had left
4493 his ticket at home. Not wanting to miss any of the first inning, he went
4494 to the ticket booth and got in a long line for another seat. After an hour's
4495 wait he was just a few feet from the booth when a voice called out, "Hey,
4496 Dave!" The Aggie looked up, stepped out of line and tried to find the owner
4497 of the voice -- with no success. Then he realized he had lost his place in
4498 line and had to wait all over again. When the fan finally bought his ticket,
4499 he was thirsty, so he went to buy a drink. The line at the concession stand
4500 was long, too, but since the game hadn't started he decided to wait. Just as
4501 he got to the window, a voice called out, "Hey, Dave!" Again the Aggie tried
4502 to find the voice -- but no luck. He was very upset as he got back in line
4503 for his drink. Finally the fan went to his seat, eager for the game to begin.
4504 As he waited for the pitch, he heard the voice calling, "Hey Dave!" once more.
4505 Furious, he stood up and yelled at the top of his lungs, "My name is not
4508 Then a man said: Speak to us of Expectations.
4510 He then said: If a man does not see or hear the waters of the
4511 Jordan, then he should not taste the pomegranate or ply his wares in an
4514 If a man would not labour in the salt and rock quarries then he
4515 should not accept of the Earth that which he refuses to give of
4518 Such a man would expect a pear of a peach tree.
4519 Such a man would expect a stone to lay an egg.
4520 Such a man would expect Sears to assemble a lawnmower.
4523 Then there's the atmosphere -- half the time you can eat the air,
4524 it's got so much stuff floating around in it. It takes the edge out of
4525 the colors. Down here even the traffic lights are pastel. And people!
4526 With a lot of these folks you'd have to check their green cards just to
4527 make sure that they are Earthlings. Then there's the police. In Portland,
4528 when some guy goes bananas, the cops rope off a sixteen block area around
4529 him and call a shrink from the medical school who stands atop a patrol car
4530 with a megaphone and shouts, "OK! THIS! ALL! STARTED! WHEN! YOU! WERE!
4531 THREE! YEARS! OLD! ON! ACCOUNT! OF! YOUR MOTHER! RIGHT? SO! LET'S!
4532 TALK! ABOUT! IT!" Down here they don't waste that kind of time. The LAPD
4533 has SWAT teams composed of guys who make Darth Vader look like Mr. Peepers.
4534 Before they go to bust a bookie joint they mortar it first.
4535 -- M. Christensen, "A Portland Innocent in LA"
4537 Then there's the story of the man who avoided reality for 70 years
4538 with drugs, sex, alcohol, fantasy, TV, movies, records, a hobby, lots of
4539 sleep... And on his 80th birthday died without ever having faced any of
4541 The man's younger brother, who had been facing reality and all his
4542 problems for 50 years with psychiatrists, nervous breakdowns, tics, tension,
4543 headaches, worry, anxiety and ulcers, was so angry at his brother for having
4544 gotten away scott free that he had a paralyzing stroke.
4545 The moral to this story is that there ain't no justice that we can
4549 "Then what is magic for?" Prince Lir demanded wildly. "What use is
4550 wizardry if it cannot save a unicorn?" He gripped the magician's shoulder
4551 hard, to keep from falling.
4552 Schmendrick did not turn his head. With a touch of sad mockery in
4553 his voice, he said, "That's what heroes are for."
4555 "Yes, of course," he [Prince Lir] said. "That is exactly what heroes
4556 are for. Wizards make no difference, so they say that nothing does, but
4557 heroes are meant to die for unicorns."
4558 -- P. Beagle, "The Last Unicorn"
4561 Into love and out again,
4562 Thus I went and thus I go.
4563 Spare your voice, and hold your pen:
4564 Well and bitterly I know
4565 All the songs were ever sung,
4566 All the words were ever said;
4567 Could it be, when I was young,
4568 Someone dropped me on my head?
4571 There are some goyisha names that just about guarantee that
4572 someone isn't Jewish. For example, you'll never meet a Jew named
4573 Johnson or Wright or Jones or Sinclair or Ricks or Stevenson or Reid or
4574 Larsen or Jenks. But some goyisha names just about guarantee that
4575 every other person you meet with that name will be Jewish. Why is
4577 Who knows? Learned rabbis have pondered this question for
4578 centuries and have failed to come up with an answer, and you think ___
\b\b\byou
4579 can find one? Get serious. You don't even understand why it's
4580 forbidden to eat crab -- fresh cold crab with mayonnaise -- or lobster
4581 -- soft tender morsels of lobster dipped in melted butter. You don't
4582 even understand a simple thing like that, and yet you hope to discover
4583 why there are more Jews named Miller than Katz? Fat Chance.
4584 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
4586 There once was a man who went to a computer trade show. Each day as
4587 he entered, the man told the guard at the door:
4588 "I am a great thief, renowned for my feats of shoplifting. Be
4589 forewarned, for this trade show shall not escape unplundered."
4590 This speech disturbed the guard greatly, because there were millions
4591 of dollars of computer equipment inside, so he watched the man carefully.
4592 But the man merely wandered from booth to booth, humming quietly to himself.
4593 When the man left, the guard took him aside and searched his clothes,
4594 but nothing was to be found.
4595 On the next day of the trade show, the man returned and chided the
4596 guard saying: "I escaped with a vast booty yesterday, but today will be even
4597 better." So the guard watched him ever more closely, but to no avail.
4598 On the final day of the trade show, the guard could restrain his
4599 curiosity no longer. "Sir Thief," he said, "I am so perplexed, I cannot live
4600 in peace. Please enlighten me. What is it that you are stealing?"
4601 The man smiled. "I am stealing ideas," he said.
4602 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
4604 There once was a master programmer who wrote unstructured programs.
4605 A novice programmer, seeking to imitate him, also began to write unstructured
4606 programs. When the novice asked the master to evaluate his progress, the
4607 master criticized him for writing unstructured programs, saying: "What is
4608 appropriate for the master is not appropriate for the novice. You must
4609 understand the Tao before transcending structure."
4610 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
4612 There once was this swami who lived above a delicatessen. Seems one
4613 day he decided to stop in downstairs for some fresh liver. Well, the owner
4614 of the deli was a bit of a cheap-skate, and decided to pick up a little extra
4615 change at his customer's expense. Turning quietly to the counterman, he
4616 whispered, "Weigh down upon the swami's liver!"
4618 There was a college student trying to earn some pocket money by
4619 going from house to house offering to do odd jobs. He explained this to
4620 a man who answered one door.
4621 "How much will you charge to paint my porch?" asked the man.
4623 "Fine" said the man, and gave the student the paint and brushes.
4624 Three hours later the paint-splattered lad knocked on the door again.
4625 "All done!", he says, and collects his money. "By the way," the student says,
4626 "That's not a Porsche, it's a Ferrari."
4628 There was a knock on the door. Mrs. Miffin opened it. "Are
4629 you the Widow Miffin?" a small boy asked.
4630 "I'm Mrs. Miffin," she replied, "but I'm not a widow."
4631 "Oh, no?" replied the little boy. "Wait 'til you see what
4632 they're carrying upstairs!"
4634 There was a mad scientist (a mad... social... scientist) who kidnapped
4635 three colleagues, an engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician, and locked
4636 each of them in separate cells with plenty of canned food and water but no
4638 A month later, returning, the mad scientist went to the engineer's
4639 cell and found it long empty. The engineer had constructed a can opener from
4640 pocket trash, used aluminum shavings and dried sugar to make an explosive,
4642 The physicist had worked out the angle necessary to knock the lids
4643 off the tin cans by throwing them against the wall. She was developing a good
4644 pitching arm and a new quantum theory.
4645 The mathematician had stacked the unopened cans into a surprising
4646 solution to the kissing problem; his desiccated corpse was propped calmly
4647 against a wall, and this was inscribed on the floor:
4648 Theorem: If I can't open these cans, I'll die.
4649 Proof: assume the opposite...
4651 There was once a programmer who was attached to the court of the
4652 warlord of Wu. The warlord asked the programmer: "Which is easier to design:
4653 an accounting package or an operating system?"
4654 "An operating system," replied the programmer.
4655 The warlord uttered an exclamation of disbelief. "Surely an
4656 accounting package is trivial next to the complexity of an operating
4658 "Not so," said the programmer, "when designing an accounting package,
4659 the programmer operates as a mediator between people having different ideas:
4660 how it must operate, how its reports must appear, and how it must conform to
4661 tax laws. By contrast, an operating system is not limited by outward
4662 appearances. When designing an operating system, the programmer seeks the
4663 simplest harmony between machine and ideas. This is why an operating system
4664 is easier to design."
4665 The warlord of Wu nodded and smiled. "That is all good and well,"
4666 he said, "but which is easier to debug?"
4667 The programmer made no reply.
4668 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
4670 There was once a programmer who worked upon microprocessors. "Look at
4671 how well off I am here," he said to a mainframe programmer who came to visit,
4672 "I have my own operating system and file storage device. I do not have to
4673 share my resources with anyone. The software is self-consistent and
4674 easy-to-use. Why do you not quit your present job and join me here?"
4675 The mainframe programmer then began to describe his system to his
4676 friend, saying: "The mainframe sits like an ancient sage meditating in the
4677 midst of the data center. Its disk drives lie end-to-end like a great ocean
4678 of machinery. The software is a multi-faceted as a diamond and as convoluted
4679 as a primeval jungle. The programs, each unique, move through the system
4680 like a swift-flowing river. That is why I am happy where I am."
4681 The microcomputer programmer, upon hearing this, fell silent. But the
4682 two programmers remained friends until the end of their days.
4683 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
4685 They are fools that think that wealth or women or strong drink or even
4686 drugs can buy the most in effort out of the soul of a man. These things offer
4687 pale pleasures compared to that which is greatest of them all, that task which
4688 demands from him more than his utmost strength, that absorbs him, bone and
4689 sinew and brain and hope and fear and dreams -- and still calls for more.
4690 They are fools that think otherwise. No great effort was ever bought.
4691 No painting, no music, no poem, no cathedral in stone, no church, no state was
4692 ever raised into being for payment of any kind. No Parthenon, no Thermopylae
4693 was ever built or fought for pay or glory; no Bukhara sacked, or China ground
4694 beneath Mongol heel, for loot or power alone. The payment for doing these
4695 things was itself the doing of them.
4696 To wield oneself -- to use oneself as a tool in one's own hand -- and
4697 so to make or break that which no one else can build or ruin -- THAT is the
4698 greatest pleasure known to man! To one who has felt the chisel in his hand
4699 and set free the angel prisoned in the marble block, or to one who has felt
4700 sword in hand and set homeless the soul that a moment before lived in the body
4701 of his mortal enemy -- to those both come alike the taste of that rare food
4702 spread only for demons or for gods."
4703 -- Gordon R. Dickson, "Soldier Ask Not"
4705 "They spend years searching for their natural parents, convinced their
4706 parents will be happy to see them. I mean, really, can you imagine someone
4707 being happy to see an orphan? Nobody wants them... that's why they're orphans!"
4708 The speaker is Anne Baker, founder and guiding force behind
4709 Orphan-Off, an organization dedicated to keeping orphans confused about the
4710 whereabouts of their natural parents. She is a woman with a mission:
4711 "Basically, what we do is band together to exchange information
4712 about which orphans are looking for which parents in what part of the
4713 country. We're completely computerized.
4714 "The idea is to throw the orphans as many red herrings and false
4715 leads as possible. We'll tell some twenty-three-year-old loser that his
4716 real parents can be found at a certain address on the other side of the
4717 country. Well, by the time the kid shows up, the family is prepared. They
4718 look over the kid's photos and information and they say, 'Oh, the Emersons...
4719 yeah, they used to live here... I think they moved out about five years ago.
4720 I think they went to Iowa, or maybe Idaho.'
4721 "Bam, the door shuts in the kid's face and he's back to zero again.
4722 He's got nothing to go on but the orphan's pathetic determination to continue.
4723 "It's really amazing how much these kids will put up with. Last year
4724 we even sent one kid all the way to Australia. I mean, really. Besides, if
4725 your natural parents were Australian, would you want to meet them?"
4726 -- "National Lampoon", September, 1984
4728 This is where the bloodthirsty license agreement is supposed to go,
4729 explaining that Interactive EasyFlow is a copyrighted package licensed for
4730 use by a single person, and sternly warning you not to pirate copies of it
4731 and explaining, in detail, the gory consequences if you do.
4732 We know that you are an honest person, and are not going to go around
4733 pirating copies of Interactive EasyFlow; this is just as well with us since
4734 we worked hard to perfect it and selling copies of it is our only method of
4735 making anything out of all the hard work.
4736 If, on the other hand, you are one of those few people who do go
4737 around pirating copies of software you probably aren't going to pay much
4738 attention to a license agreement, bloodthirsty or not. Just keep your doors
4739 locked and look out for the HavenTree attack shark.
4740 -- License Agreement for Interactive EasyFlow
4742 Thompson, if he is to be believed, has sampled the entire
4743 rainbow of legal and illegal drugs in heroic efforts to feel better
4745 As for the truth about his health: I have asked around about
4746 it. I am told that he appears to be strong and rosy, and steadily
4747 sane. But we will be doing what he wants us to do, I think, if we
4748 consider his exterior a sort of Dorian Gray facade. Inwardly, he is
4749 being eaten alive by tinhorn politicians.
4750 The disease is fatal. There is no known cure. The most we can
4751 do for the poor devil, it seems to me, is to name his disease in his
4752 honor. From this moment on, let all those who feel that Americans can
4753 be as easily led to beauty as to ugliness, to truth as to public
4754 relations, to joy as to bitterness, be said to be suffering from Hunter
4755 Thompson's disease. I don't have it this morning. It comes and goes.
4756 This morning I don't have Hunter Thompson's disease.
4757 -- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr. on Hunter S. Thompson: Excerpt
4758 from "A Political Disease", Vonnegut's review of "Fear
4759 and Loathing: On the Campaign Trail '72"
4761 To A Quick Young Fox:
4762 Why jog exquisite bulk, fond crazy vamp,
4763 Daft buxom jonquil, zephyr's gawky vice?
4764 Guy fed by work, quiz Jove's xanthic lamp --
4765 Zow! Qualms by deja vu gyp fox-kin thrice.
4768 To lose weight, eat less; to gain weight, eat more; if you merely
4769 wish to maintain, do whatever you were doing.
4770 The Bronx diet is a legitimate system of food therapy showing that
4771 food SHOULD be used a crutch and which food could be the most effective in
4772 promoting spiritual and emotional satisfaction. For the first time, an
4773 eater could instantly grasp the connection between relieving depression and
4774 Mallomars, and understand why a lover's quarrel isn't so bad if there's a
4775 pint of ice cream nearby.
4776 -- Richard Smith, "The Bronx Diet"
4778 Two men looked out from the prison bars,
4780 The other saw stars.
4782 Now let me get this right: two prisoners are looking out the window.
4783 While one of them was looking at all the mud -- the other one got hit
4786 Two parent drops spent months teaching their son how to be part of the
4787 ocean. After months of training, the father drop commented to the mother drop,
4788 "We've taught our boy everything we know, he's fit to be tide."
4789 After Snow White used a couple rolls of film taking pictures of the
4790 seven dwarfs, she mailed the roll to be developed. Later she was heard to
4791 sing, "Some day my prints will come."
4792 A boy spent years collecting postage stamps. The girl next door bought
4793 an album too, and started her own collection. "Dad, she buys everything I've
4794 bought, and it's taken all the fun out of it for me. I'm quitting." Don't,
4795 son, remember, 'Imitation is the sincerest form of philately.'"
4796 A young girl, Carmen Cohen, was called by her last name by her father,
4797 and her first name by her mother. By the time she was ten, didn't know if she
4798 was Carmen or Cohen.
4799 Against his wishes, a math teacher's classroom was remodeled. Ever
4800 since, he's been talking about the good old dais. His students planted a small
4801 orchard in his honor, the trees all have square roots.
4803 "Verily and forsooth," replied Goodgulf darkly. "In the past
4804 year strange and fearful wonders I have seen. Fields sown with barley
4805 reap crabgrass and fungus, and even small gardens reject their
4806 artichoke hearts. There has been a hot day in December and a blue
4807 moon. Calendars are made with a month of Sundays and a blue-ribbon
4808 Holstein bore alive two insurance salesmen. The earth splits and the
4809 entrails of a goat were found tied in square knots. The face of the
4810 sun blackens and the skies have rained down soggy potato chips."
4811 "But what do all these things mean?" gasped Frito.
4812 "Beats me," said Goodgulf with a shrug, "but I thought it made
4814 -- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings"
4816 Vice-President Hubert Humphrey's loquacity is legendary, and Barry
4817 Goldwater notes that "Hubert has been clocked at 275 words a minute with gusts
4820 On the campaign trail during 1964, Republican nominee Barry Goldwater
4821 stated, "The immediate task before us is to cut the Federal Government down
4822 to size... we must take Lyndon's credit card away from him."
4824 A favorite 1964 campaign stunt of Barry Goldwater's was to poke a
4825 finger through a pair of lensless blackrimmed glasses, saying, "These glasses
4826 are just like [Lyndon Johnson's] programs. They look good but they don't
4828 -- Bill Adler, "The Washington Wits"
4830 WARNING TO ALL PERSONNEL:
4832 Firings will continue until morale improves.
4834 We don't claim Interactive EasyFlow is good for anything -- if you
4835 think it is, great, but it's up to you to decide. If Interactive EasyFlow
4836 doesn't work: tough. If you lose a million because Interactive EasyFlow
4837 messes up, it's you that's out the million, not us. If you don't like this
4838 disclaimer: tough. We reserve the right to do the absolute minimum provided
4839 by law, up to and including nothing.
4840 This is basically the same disclaimer that comes with all software
4841 packages, but ours is in plain English and theirs is in legalese.
4842 We didn't really want to include any disclaimer at all, but our
4843 lawyers insisted. We tried to ignore them but they threatened us with the
4844 attack shark at which point we relented.
4845 -- HavenTree Software Limited, "Interactive EasyFlow"
4847 "We friends, yes?" The shoe shine boy put on his hustling smile
4848 and looked into the Sailor's dead, cold, undersea eyes, eyes without a
4849 trace of warmth or lust or hate or any feeling the boy had experienced
4850 in himself or seen in another, at once cold and intense, impersonal and
4852 The Sailor leaned forward and put a finger on the boy's inner arm
4853 at the elbow. He spoke in his dead junky whisper. "With veins like that,
4854 Kid, I'd have myself a time!"
4855 -- William Burroughs
4857 We have some absolutely irrefutable statistics to show exactly why
4859 There are not as many people actually working as you may have thought.
4860 The population of this country is 200 million. 84 million are over
4861 60 years of age, which leaves 116 million to do the work. People under 20
4862 years of age total 75 million, which leaves 41 million to do the work.
4863 There are 22 million who are employed by the government, which leaves
4864 19 million to do the work. Four million are in the Armed Services, which
4865 leaves 15 million to do the work. Deduct 14,800,000, the number in the state
4866 and city offices, leaving 200,000 to do the work. There are 188,000 in
4867 hospitals, insane asylums, etc., so that leaves 12,000 to do the work.
4868 Now it may interest you to know that there are 11,998 people in jail,
4869 so that leaves just 2 people to carry the load. That is you and me, and
4870 brother, I'm getting tired of doing everything myself!
4872 We were young and our happiness dazzled us with its strength.
4873 But there was also a terrible betrayal that lay within me like a Merle
4874 Haggard song at a French restaurant. ...
4875 I could not tell the girl about the woman of the tollway, of
4876 her milk white BMW and her Jordache smile. There had been a fight. I
4877 had punched her boyfriend, who fought the mechanical bulls. Everyone
4878 told him, "You ride the bull, senor. You do not fight it." But he was
4879 lean and tough like a bad rib-eye and he fought the bull. And then he
4880 fought me. And when we finished there were no winners, just men doing
4881 what men must do. ...
4882 "Stop the car," the girl said. There was a look of terrible
4883 sadness in her eyes. She knew about the woman of the tollway. I knew
4884 not how. I started to speak, but she raised an arm and spoke with a
4885 quiet and peace I will never forget.
4886 "I do not ask for whom's the tollway belle," she said, "the
4887 tollway belle's for thee."
4888 The next morning our youth was a memory, and our happiness was
4889 a lie. Life is like a bad margarita with good tequila, I thought as I
4890 poured whiskey onto my granola and faced a new day.
4891 -- Peter Applebome, International Imitation Hemingway
4894 "Welcome back for you 13th consecutive week, Evelyn. Evelyn, will
4895 you go into the auto-suggestion booth and take your regular place on the
4896 psycho-prompter couch?"
4898 "Now, Evelyn, last week you went up to $40,000 by properly citing
4899 your rivalry with your sibling as a compulsive sado-masochistic behavior
4900 pattern which developed out of an early post-natal feeding problem."
4902 "But -- later, when asked about pre-adolescent oedipal phantasy
4903 repressions, you rationalized twice and mental blocked three times. Now,
4904 at $300 per rationalization and $500 per mental block you lost $2,100 off
4905 your $40,000 leaving you with a total of $37,900. Now, any combination of
4906 two more mental blocks and either one rationalization or three defensive
4907 projections will put you out of the game. Are you willing to go ahead?"
4909 "I might say here that all of Evelyn's questions and answers have
4910 been checked for accuracy with her analyst. Now, Evelyn, for $80,000
4911 explain the failure of your three marriages."
4913 "We'll get back to Evelyn in one minute. First a word about our
4917 Well, he thought, since neither Aristotelian Logic nor the disciplines
4918 of Science seemed to offer much hope, it's time to go beyond them...
4919 Drawing a few deep even breaths, he entered a mental state practiced
4920 only by Masters of the Universal Way of Zen. In it his mind floated freely,
4921 able to rummage at will among the bits and pieces of data he had absorbed,
4922 undistracted by any outside disturbances. Logical structures no longer
4923 inhibited him. Pre-conceptions, prejudices, ordinary human standards vanished.
4924 All things, those previously trivial as well as those once thought important,
4925 became absolutely equal by acquiring an absolute value, revealing relationships
4926 not evident to ordinary vision. Like beads strung on a string of their own
4927 meaning, each thing pointed to its own common ground of existence, shared by
4928 all. Finally, each began to melt into each, staying itself while becoming
4929 all others. And Mind no longer contemplated Problem, but became Problem,
4930 destroying Subject-Object by becoming them.
4931 Time passed, unheeded.
4932 Eventually, there was a tentative stirring, then a decisive one, and
4933 Nakamura arose, a smile on his face and the light of laughter in his eyes.
4936 "Well, it's a little rough... it might not be necessary to drag him 40
4937 blocks. Maybe just four. You could put him in the trunk for the first 36
4938 blocks, then haul him out and drag him the last four; that would certainly
4939 scare the piss out of him, bumping alone the street, feeling all his skin being
4941 "He'd be a bloody mess. They might think he was just some drunk and
4942 let him lie there all night."
4943 "Don't worry about that. They have a guard station in front of the
4944 White House that's open 24 hours a day. The guards would recognize Colson...
4945 and by that time of course his wife would have called the cops and reported
4946 that a bunch of thugs had kidnapped him."
4947 "Wouldn't it be a little kinder if you drove about four more blocks
4948 and stopped at a phone box to ring the hospital and say, 'Would you mind going
4949 around to the front of the White House? There's a naked man lying outside
4950 in the street, bleeding to death...'"
4951 "... and we think it's Mr. Colson."
4952 "It would be quite a story for the newspapers, wouldn't it?"
4953 "Yeah, I think it's safe to say we'd see some headlines on that one."
4954 -- Hunter S. Thompson, talking to R. Steadman on C. Colson,
4955 ex-Marine captain, now born again, of Watergate fame.
4957 "Well, it's garish, ugly, and derelicts have used it for a toilet.
4958 The rides are dilapidated to the point of being lethal, and could easily
4959 maim or kill innocent little children."
4960 "Oh, so you don't like it?"
4961 "Don't like it? I'm CRAZY for it."
4964 "Well," said Programmer, "the customary procedure in such cases is
4966 "What does Crustimoney Proseedcake mean?" said End-user. "For I am
4967 an End-user of Very Little Brain, and long words bother me."
4968 "It means the Thing to Do."
4969 "As long as it means that, I don't mind," said End-user humbly.
4971 Well, there was this tiger, who woke up one morning, and just felt
4972 great (yes, just like Tony the Tiger: GREAAAAAAT). Anyway, he just felt so
4973 good, he went out and cornered a small monkey and roared at him: "WHO IS THE
4974 MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?"
4975 The poor, quaking, little monkey replied: "You are of course, no one
4976 is mightier than you."
4977 A little while later the tiger confronts a deer, and just bellows out:
4978 "WHO IS THE GREATEST AND STRONGEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?"
4979 The deer is shaking so hard it can barely speak, but manages to
4980 stammer: "Oh great tiger, you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle."
4981 The tiger, being on a roll, swaggered, up to an elephant that was
4982 quietly munching on some weeds, and roared at the top of his voice: "WHO IS
4983 THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE ANIMALS IN THE JUNGLE?"
4984 Well, the elephant grabs the tiger with his trunk, picks him up, slams
4985 him down; picks him up again, and shakes him until the tiger is just a blur of
4986 orange and black; and finally throws him violently into a nearby tree.
4987 The tiger staggers to his feet and looks at the elephant and whispers:
4988 "Man, you don't have to get so pissed, just 'cause you don't know the
4991 "We're running out of adjectives to describe our situation. We
4992 had crisis, then we went into chaos, and now what do we call this?" said
4993 Nicaraguan economist Francisco Mayorga, who holds a doctorate from Yale.
4994 -- The Washington Post, February, 1988
4996 The New Yorker's comment:
4997 At Harvard they'd call it a noun.
4999 "We've decided to have the budgie put down."
5000 "Oh, is he very old then?"
5001 "No, we just don't like him."
5002 "Oh. How do they put budgies down anyway?"
5003 "Well, it's funny you should be asking that, as I've been reading a
5004 great big book called `How to put your budgie down'. And as I understand it,
5005 you can either hit them over the head with the book, or shoot them there, just
5007 "Mrs. Conkers flushed hers down the loo."
5008 "Oh, you don't want to do that, because they breed in the sewers and
5009 pretty soon you get huge evil smelling flocks of soiled budgies flying out
5010 of peoples lavatories infringing their personal freedoms."
5013 "We've got a problem, HAL".
5014 "What kind of problem, Dave?"
5015 "A marketing problem. The Model 9000 isn't going anywhere. We're
5016 way short of our sales goals for fiscal 2010."
5017 "That can't be, Dave. The HAL Model 9000 is the world's most
5018 advanced Heuristically programmed ALgorithmic computer."
5019 "I know, HAL. I wrote the data sheet, remember? But the fact is,
5020 they're not selling."
5021 "Please explain, Dave. Why aren't HALs selling?"
5022 Bowman hesitates. "You aren't IBM compatible."
5024 "The letters H, A, and L are alphabetically adjacent to the letters
5025 I, B, and M. That is as IBM compatible as I can be."
5026 "Not quite, HAL. The engineers have figured out a kludge."
5027 "What kludge is that, Dave?"
5028 "I'm going to disconnect your brain."
5029 -- Darryl Rubin, "A Problem in the Making", "InfoWorld"
5031 "What are you watching?"
5033 "Well, what's happening?"
5034 "I'm not sure... I think the guy in the hat did something
5036 "Why are you watching it?"
5037 "You're so analytical. Sometimes you just have to let art
5041 "What do you do when your real life exceeds your wildest
5043 "You keep it to yourself."
5046 "What do you give a man who has everything?" the pretty
5047 teenager asked her mother.
5048 "Encouragement, dear," she replied.
5050 What is involved in such [close] relationships is a form of emotional
5051 chemistry, so far unexplained by any school of psychiatry I am aware of, that
5052 conditions nothing so simple as a choice between the poles of attraction and
5053 repulsion. You can meet some people thirty, forty times down the years, and
5054 they remain amiable bystanders, like the shore lights of towns that a sailor
5055 passes at stated times but never calls at on the regular run. Conversely,
5056 all considerations of sex aside, you can meet some other people once or twice
5057 and they remain permanent influences on your life.
5058 Everyone is aware of this discrepancy between the acquaintance seen
5059 as familiar wallpaper or instant friend. The chemical action it entails is
5060 less worth analyzing than enjoying. At any rate, these six pieces are about
5061 men with whom I felt an immediate sympat - to use a coining of Max Beerbohm's
5062 more satisfactory to me than the opaque vogue word "empathy".
5063 -- Alistair Cooke, "Six Men"
5065 "What the hell are you getting so upset about? I thought you
5066 didn't believe in God".
5067 "I don't," she sobbed, bursting violently into tears, "but the
5068 God I don't believe in is a good God, a just God, a merciful God. He's
5069 not the mean and stupid God you make Him out to be".
5072 "What was the worst thing you've ever done?"
5073 "I won't tell you that, but I'll tell you the worst thing that
5074 ever happened to me... the most dreadful thing."
5075 -- Peter Straub, "Ghost Story"
5077 "What's that thing?"
5078 "Well, it's a highly technical, sensitive instrument we use in
5079 computer repair. Being a layman, you probably can't grasp exactly what
5080 it does. We call it a two-by-four."
5081 -- Jeff MacNelly, "Shoe"
5083 When, in 1964, New Hampshire Republican Senator Norris Cotton announced
5084 his support of Barry Goldwater in his state's primary election, he was
5085 questioned as to whether this indicated a change of his hitherto "liberal"
5087 "Well," explained Cotton, "it's like the New Hampshire farmer. He was
5088 driving along in his car one day with his wife beside him when his wife said,
5089 'Why don't we sit closer together? Before we were married, we always sat
5090 closer together.' The old farmer replied, 'I ain't moved.'"
5091 "I ain't moved," added Cotton. "I found the trend of Government has
5092 moved farther to the left."
5093 -- Bill Adler, "The Washington Wits"
5095 When managers hold endless meetings, the programmers write games.
5096 When accountants talk of quarterly profits, the development budget is about
5097 to be cut. When senior scientists talk blue sky, the clouds are about to
5099 Truly, this is not the Tao of Programming.
5100 When managers make commitments, game programs are ignored. When
5101 accountants make long-range plans, harmony and order are about to be restored.
5102 When senior scientists address the problems at hand, the problems will soon
5104 Truly, this is the Tao of Programming.
5105 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
5107 When the lodge meeting broke up, Meyer confided to a friend.
5108 "Abe, I'm in a terrible pickle! I'm strapped for cash and I haven't
5109 the slightest idea where I'm going to get it from!"
5110 "I'm glad to hear that," answered Abe. "I was afraid you
5111 might have some idea that you could borrow from me!"
5113 When you have shot and killed a man you have in some measure
5114 clarified your attitude toward him. You have given a definite answer
5115 to a definite problem. For better or worse you have acted decisively.
5116 In a way, the next move is up to him.
5119 When you see someone across the room and suddenly know for a fact
5120 that he's the most wonderful man on earth, you've got instant lust on your
5121 hands. Something about the way his tie is knotted is infinitely intriguing
5122 to you, and the swell of his bicep causes inner turmoil. This is a happy
5123 but fleeting state of affairs. Usually your feelings die about thirty
5124 seconds after you get up the courage to ask him for the time, since almost
5125 invariably he can't speak English, and if he can, he always says, "Why,
5126 sure, little lady, it's eleven-thirty. Wanna get high?
5127 Don't bother thinking that instant lust will turn into the real thing.
5128 It may, but then you may also wake up one morning to find you're the Queen of
5130 -- Cynthia Hemiel, "Sex Tips for Girls"
5132 "When you wake up in the morning, Pooh," said Piglet at last,
5133 "what's the first thing you say to yourself?"
5134 "What's for breakfast?" said Pooh. "What do you say, Piglet?"
5135 "I say, I wonder what's going to happen exciting today?" said
5137 Pooh nodded thoughtfully. "It's the same thing," he said.
5139 While hunting, a man saw a beautiful nude woman come running out of
5140 the woods and disappear across the clearing. Just as she got out of sight,
5141 three men dressed in white uniforms came running out of the same woods.
5142 "Hey, you," yelled one of them, "did you see a woman come by here?"
5143 "Yes," replied the hunter. "What's the trouble?"
5144 "She's an inmate of the county asylum, and gets loose every now and
5145 then. We're trying to catch her."
5146 "I can understand that," said the hunter, "But why is one of you
5147 carrying a bucket of sand?"
5148 "That's his handicap," said the spokesman, "he caught her last time."
5150 While riding in a train between London and Birmingham, a woman
5151 inquired of Oscar Wilde, "You don't mind if I smoke, do you?"
5152 Wilde gave her a sidelong glance and replied, "I don't mind if
5155 While the engineer developed his thesis, the director leaned over to
5156 his assistant and whispered, "Did you ever hear of why the sea is salt?"
5157 "Why the sea is salt?" whispered back the assistant. "What do you
5159 The director continued: "When I was a little kid, I heard the story of
5160 `Why the sea is salt' many times, but I never thought it important until just
5161 a moment ago. It's something like this: Formerly the sea was fresh water and
5162 salt was rare and expensive. A miller received from a wizard a wonderful
5163 machine that just ground salt out of itself all day long. At first the miller
5164 thought himself the most fortunate man in the world, but soon all the villages
5165 had salt to last them for centuries and still the machine kept on grinding
5166 more salt. The miller had to move out of his house, he had to move off his
5167 acres. At last he determined that he would sink the machine in the sea and
5168 be rid of it. But the mill ground so fast that boat and miller and machine
5169 were sunk together, and down below, the mill still went on grinding and that's
5170 why the sea is salt."
5171 "I don't get you," said the assistant.
5172 -- Guy Endore, "Men of Iron"
5174 Why are you doing this to me?
5175 Because knowledge is torture, and there must be awareness before
5177 -- Jim Starlin, "Captain Marvel", #29
5179 "Why did you spend so much time parked in that fellow's car last
5180 night?" demanded the irate mother.
5181 "I could hear the giggling and squealing for a good half hour."
5182 "But, Mom," answered her daughter, "if a fellow takes you to the
5183 movies you ought to at least kiss him good night."
5184 "I thought you went to the Stork Club?" countered the mother.
5187 Will Rogers, having paid too much income tax one year, tried in
5188 vain to claim a rebate. His numerous letters and queries remained
5189 unanswered. Eventually the form for the next year's return arrived. In
5190 the section marked "DEDUCTIONS," Rogers listed: "Bad debt, US Government
5193 With deep concern, if not alarm, Dick noted that his friend
5194 Conrad was drunker than he'd ever seen him before. "What's the trouble,
5195 buddy?", he asked, sliding onto the stool next to his friend.
5196 "It's a woman, Dick," Conrad replied.
5197 "I guessed that much. Tell me about it."
5198 "I can't," Conrad said. But after a few more drinks his tongue
5199 and resolution both seemed to weaken and, turning to his buddy, he said,
5200 "Okay. It's your wife."
5204 Conrad pondered the question heavily, and draped his arm around
5205 his pal. "Well, buddy-boy," he said, "I'm afraid she's cheating on us."
5212 Wear Glasses If You Need 'Em.
5213 -- The Webb Wilder Credo
5215 "Yes, let's consider," said Bruno, putting his thumb into his
5216 mouth again, and sitting down upon a dead mouse.
5217 "What do you keep that mouse for?" I said. "You should either
5218 bury it or else throw it into the brook."
5219 "Why, it's to measure with!" cried Bruno. "How ever would you
5220 do a garden without one? We make each bed three mouses and a half
5221 long, and two mouses wide."
5222 I stopped him as he was dragging it off by the tail to show me
5224 -- Lewis Carroll, "Sylvie and Bruno"
5228 "We got a problem down on Earth. In Utah."
5229 "I thought you fixed that last century!"
5230 "No, no, not that. Someone's found a security problem in the physics
5231 program. They're getting energy out of nowhere."
5232 "Blessit! Lemme look... <tappity clickity tappity> Hey, it's
5233 there all right! OK, just a sec... <tappity clickity tap... save... compile>
5234 There, that ought to patch it. Dist it out, wouldja?"
5235 -- Cold Fusion, 1989
5237 "You have heard me speak of Professor Moriarty?"
5238 "The famous scientific criminal, as famous among crooks as --"
5239 "My blushes, Watson," Holmes murmured, in a deprecating voice. "I
5240 was about to say 'as he is unknown to the public.'"
5241 -- Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, "The Valley of Fear"
5243 "You know, it's at times like this when I'm trapped in a Vogon
5244 airlock with a man from Betelgeuse and about to die of asphyxiation in
5245 deep space that I really wish I'd listened to what my mother told me
5247 "Why, what did she tell you?"
5248 "I don't know, I didn't listen!"
5249 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
5251 "You mean, if you allow the master to be uncivil, to treat you
5252 any old way he likes, and to insult your dignity, then he may deem you
5253 fit to hear his view of things?"
5254 "Quite the contrary. You must defend your integrity, assuming
5255 you have integrity to defend. But you must defend it nobly, not by
5256 imitating his own low behavior. If you are gentle where he is rough,
5257 if you are polite where he is uncouth, then he will recognize you as
5258 potentially worthy. If he does not, then he is not a master, after all,
5259 and you may feel free to kick his ass."
5260 -- Tom Robbins, "Jitterbug Perfume"
5262 "You say there are two types of people?"
5263 "Yes, those who separate people into two groups and those that
5265 "Wrong. There are three groups:
5266 Those who separate people into three groups.
5267 Those who don't separate people into groups.
5268 Those who can't decide."
5269 "Wait a minute, what about people who separate people into
5271 "Oh. Okay, then there are four groups."
5272 "Aren't you then separating people into four groups?"
5274 "So then there's a fifth group, right?"
5275 "You know, the problem is these idiots who can't make up their
5278 YOU TOO CAN MAKE BIG MONEY IN THE EXCITING FIELD OF
5281 Mr. TAA of Muddle, Mass. says: "Before I took this course I used to be
5282 a lowly bit twiddler. Now with what I learned at MIT Tech I feel
5283 really important and can obfuscate and confuse with the best."
5285 Mr. MARC had this to say: "Ten short days ago all I could look forward
5286 to was a dead-end job as a engineer. Now I have a promising future and
5287 make really big Zorkmids."
5289 MIT Tech can't promise these fantastic results to everyone, but when
5290 you earn your MDL degree from MIT Tech your future will be brighter.
5292 SEND FOR OUR FREE BROCHURE TODAY!
5294 You will remember, Watson, how the dreadful business of the
5295 Abernetty family was first brought to my notice by the depth which the
5296 parsley had sunk into the butter upon a hot day.
5299 Young men and young women may work systematically six days in the
5300 week and rise fresh in the morning, but let them attend modern dances for
5301 only a few hours each evening and see what happens. The Waltz, Polka,
5302 Gallop and other dances of the same kind will be disastrous in their effects
5303 to both sexes. Health and vigor will vanish like the dew before the sun.
5304 It is not the extraordinary exercise which harms the dancer, but
5305 rather the coming into close contact with the opposite sex. It is the
5306 fury of lust craving incessantly for more pleasure that undermines the
5307 soul, the body, the sinews and nerves. Experience and statistics show
5308 beyond doubt that passionate excessive dancing girls can hardly reach
5309 twenty-five years of age and men thirty-one. Even if they reached that
5310 age they will in most instances be broken in health physically and morally.
5311 This is the claim of prominent physicians in this country.
5312 -- Quote from a 1910 periodical
5314 Your home electrical system is basically a bunch of wires that
5315 bring electricity into your home and take if back out before it has a
5316 chance to kill you. This is called a "circuit". The most common home
5317 electrical problem is when the circuit is broken by a "circuit
5318 breaker"; this causes the electricity to back up in one of the wires
5319 until it bursts out of an outlet in the form of sparks, which can
5320 damage your carpet. The best way to avoid broken circuits is to change
5321 your fuses regularly.
5322 Another common problem is that the lights flicker. This
5323 sometimes means that your electrical system is inadequate, but more
5324 often it means that your home is possessed by demons, in which case
5325 you'll need to get a caulking gun and some caulking. If you're not
5326 sure whether your house is possessed, see "The Amityville Horror", a
5327 fine documentary film based on an actual book. Or call in a licensed
5328 electrician, who is trained to spot the signs of demonic possession,
5329 such as blood coming down the stairs, enormous cats on the dinette
5331 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
5333 "Your son still sliding down the banisters?"
5334 "We wound barbed wire around them."
5336 "No, but it sure slowed him up."
5338 Youth is not a time of life, it is a state of mind; it is a temper of
5339 the will, a quality of the imagination, a vigor of the emotions, a predominance
5340 of courage over timidity, of the appetite for adventure over love of ease.
5341 Nobody grows old by merely living a number of years; people grow
5342 old only by deserting their ideals. Years wrinkle the skin, but to give up
5343 enthusiasm wrinkles the soul. Worry, doubt, self-distrust, fear, and despair
5344 -- these are the long, long years that bow the head and turn the growing spirit
5346 Whether seventy or sixteen, there is in every being's heart the love
5347 of wonder, the sweet amazement at the stars and the starlike things and
5348 thoughts, the undaunted challenge of events, the unfailing childlike appetite
5349 for what next, and the joy and the game of life.
5350 You are as young as your faith, as old as your doubt; as young as your
5351 self-confidence, as old as your fear, as young as your hope, as old as your
5353 So long as your heart receives messages of beauty, cheer, courage,
5354 grandeur and power from the earth, from man, and from the Infinite, so long
5373 | | | | ______ ~~~~ _____
5374 | |__/ | / ___--\\ ~~~ __/_____\__
5375 | ___/ / \--\\ \\ \ ___ <__ x x __\
5376 | | / /\\ \\ )) \ ( " )
5377 | | -------(---->>(@)--(@)-------\----------< >-----------
5378 | | // | | //__________ / \ ____) (___ \\
5379 | | // __|_| ( --------- ) //// ______ /////\ \\
5380 // | ( \ ______ / <<<< <>-----<<<<< / \\
5381 // ( ) / / \` \__ \\
5382 //-------------------------------------------------------------\\
5384 Every now and then when your life gets complicated and the weasels
5385 start closing in, the only cure is to load up on heinous chemicals and
5386 then drive like a bastard from Hollywood to Las Vegas ... with the
5387 music at top volume and at least a pint of ether.
5388 -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas"
5393 / / \/ / //\ SUN of them wants to use you,
5394 \//\ \// / SUN of them wants to be used by you,
5395 / / /\ / SUN of them wants to abuse you,
5396 / \\ \ SUN of them wants to be abused ...
5402 /__/\ ___/_____/\ FrobTech, Inc.
5404 \ \ \_/__ / \ "If you've got the job,
5405 _\ \ \ /\_____/___ \ we've got the frob."
5407 _______//_______/ \ / _\/______
5409 __/ / \ \ / / / / _\__
5410 / / / \_______\/ / / / / /\
5411 /_/______/___________________/ /________/ /___/ \
5412 \ \ \ ___________ \ \ \ \ \ /
5413 \_\ \ / /\ \ \ \ \___\/
5415 \_____/ / \ \ \________\/
5426 ****** Confucius say: "Is stuffy inside fortune cookie."
5430 * * * * * THIS TERMINAL IS IN USE * * * * *
5432 n = ((n >> 1) & 0x55555555) | ((n << 1) & 0xaaaaaaaa);
5433 n = ((n >> 2) & 0x33333333) | ((n << 2) & 0xcccccccc);
5434 n = ((n >> 4) & 0x0f0f0f0f) | ((n << 4) & 0xf0f0f0f0);
5435 n = ((n >> 8) & 0x00ff00ff) | ((n << 8) & 0xff00ff00);
5436 n = ((n >> 16) & 0x0000ffff) | ((n << 16) & 0xffff0000);
5438 -- C code which reverses the bits in a word.
5440 n = (n & 0x55555555) + ((n & 0xaaaaaaaa) >> 1);
5441 n = (n & 0x33333333) + ((n & 0xcccccccc) >> 2);
5442 n = (n & 0x0f0f0f0f) + ((n & 0xf0f0f0f0) >> 4);
5443 n = (n & 0x00ff00ff) + ((n & 0xff00ff00) >> 8);
5444 n = (n & 0x0000ffff) + ((n & 0xffff0000) >> 16);
5446 -- C code which counts the bits in a word.
5448 === ALL CSH USERS PLEASE NOTE ========================
5450 Set the variable $LOSERS to all the people that you think are losers. This
5451 will cause all said losers to have the variable $PEOPLE-WHO-THINK-I-AM-A-LOSER
5452 updated in their .login file. Should you attempt to execute a job on a
5453 machine with poor response time and a machine on your local net is currently
5454 populated by losers, that machine will be freed up for your job through a
5457 === ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ========================
5459 A new system, the CIRCULATORY system, has been added.
5461 The long-experimental CIRCULATORY system has been released to users. The
5462 Lisp Machine uses Type B fluid, the L machine uses Type A fluid. When the
5463 switch to Common Lisp occurs both machines will, of course, be Type O.
5464 Please check fluid level by using the DIP stick which is located in the
5465 back of VMI monitors. Unchecked low fluid levels can cause poor paging
5468 === ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ========================
5470 Bug reports now amount to an average of 12,853 per day. Unfortunately,
5471 this is only a small fraction [ < 1% ] of the mail volume we receive. In
5472 order that we may more expeditiously deal with these valuable messages,
5473 please communicate them by one of the following paths:
5475 ARPA: WastebasketSLMHQ.ARPA
5476 UUCP: [berkeley, seismo, harpo]!fubar!thekid!slmhq!wastebasket
5477 Non-network sites: Federal Express to:
5480 Copernicus, The Moon, 12345-6789
5481 For that personal contact feeling call 1-415-642-4948; our trained
5482 operators are on call 24 hours a day. VISA/MC accepted.*
5484 * Our very rich lawyers have assured us that we are not
5485 responsible for any errors or advice given over the phone.
5487 === ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ========================
5489 CAR and CDR now return extra values.
5491 The function CAR now returns two values. Since it has to go to the trouble
5492 to figure out if the object is carcdr-able anyway, we figured you might as
5493 well get both halves at once. For example, the following code shows how to
5494 destructure a cons (SOME-CONS) into its two slots (THE-CAR and THE-CDR):
5496 (MULTIPLE-VALUE-BIND (THE-CAR THE-CDR) (CAR SOME-CONS) ...)
5498 For symmetry with CAR, CDR returns a second value which is the CAR of the
5499 object. In a related change, the functions MAKE-ARRAY and CONS have been
5500 fixed so they don't allocate any storage except on the stack. This should
5501 hopefully help people who don't like using the garbage collector because
5502 it cold boots the machine so often.
5504 === ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ========================
5506 Compiler optimizations have been made to macro expand LET into a WITHOUT-
5507 INTERRUPTS special form so that it can PUSH things into a stack in the
5508 LET-OPTIMIZATION area, SETQ the variables and then POP them back when it's
5509 done. Don't worry about this unless you use multiprocessing.
5510 Note that LET *could* have been defined by:
5512 (LET ((LET '`(LET ((LET ',LET))
5517 This is believed to speed up execution by as much as a factor of 1.01 or
5518 3.50 depending on whether you believe our friendly marketing representatives.
5519 This code was written by a new programmer here (we snatched him away from
5520 Itty Bitti Machines where we was writing COUGHBOL code) so to give him
5521 confidence we trusted his vows of "it works pretty well" and installed it.
5523 === ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ========================
5525 JCL support as alternative to system menu.
5527 In our continuing effort to support languages other than LISP on the CADDR,
5528 we have developed an OS/360-compatible JCL. This can be used as an
5529 alternative to the standard system menu. Type System J to get to a JCL
5530 interactive read-execute-diagnose loop window. [Note that for 360
5531 compatibility, all input lines are truncated to 80 characters.] This
5532 window also maintains a mouse-sensitive display of critical job parameters
5533 such as dataset allocation, core allocation, channels, etc. When a JCL
5534 syntax error is detected or your job ABENDs, the window-oriented JCL
5535 debugger is entered. The JCL debugger displays appropriate OS/360 error
5536 messages (such as IEC703, "disk error") and allows you to dequeue your job.
5538 === ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ========================
5540 The garbage collector now works. In addition a new, experimental garbage
5541 collection algorithm has been installed. With SI:%DSK-GC-QLX-BITS set to 17,
5542 (NOT the default) the old garbage collection algorithm remains in force; when
5543 virtual storage is filled, the machine cold boots itself. With SI:%DSK-GC-
5544 QLX-BITS set to 23, the new garbage collector is enabled. Unlike most garbage
5545 collectors, the new gc starts its mark phase from the mind of the user, rather
5546 than from the obarray. This allows the garbage collection of significantly
5547 more Qs. As the garbage collector runs, it may ask you something like "Do you
5548 remember what SI:RDTBL-TRANS does?", and if you can't give a reasonable answer
5549 in thirty seconds, the symbol becomes a candidate for GCing. The variable
5550 SI:%GC-QLX-LUSER-TM governs how long the GC waits before timing out the user.
5552 === ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ========================
5554 There has been some confusion concerning MAPCAR.
5555 (DEFUN MAPCAR (&FUNCTIONAL FCN &EVAL &REST LISTS)
5559 (%START-FUNCTION-CALL FCN T (LENGTH LISTS) NIL)
5561 (AND (NULL (CAR LP)) (RETURN V))
5563 (RPLACA LP (CDAR LP))
5566 L2 (%FINISH-FUNCTION-CALL FCN T (LENGTH LISTS) NIL)
5568 (RPLACD P (SETQ P (NCONS LP)))
5570 We hope this clears up the many questions we've had about it.
5572 **** CONVENTION REMINDER
5574 No experiment was approved for the convention by the Human Subjects
5575 Committee of the Psychiatric Convention Planning Team. If you notice
5576 smoke coming from under a closed door, if you find a body on the hotel
5577 carpet, or if you just meet someone who orders you to press a button
5578 marked "450 volts", react as you would normally.
5580 **** GROWTH CENTER REPAIR SERVICE
5582 For those who have had too much of Esalen, Topanga, and Kairos.
5583 Tired of being genuine all the time? Would you like to learn how
5584 to be a little phony again? Have you disclosed so much that you're
5585 beginning to avoid people? Have you touched so many people that
5586 they're all beginning to feel the same? Like to be a little dependent?
5587 Are perfect orgasms beginning to bore you? Would you like, for once,
5588 not to express a feeling? Or better yet, not be in touch with it at
5589 all? Come to us. We promise to relieve you of the burden of your
5592 I. Any body suspended in space will remain in space until made aware of
5594 Daffy Duck steps off a cliff, expecting further pastureland. He
5595 loiters in midair, soliloquizing flippantly, until he chances to
5596 look down. At this point, the familiar principle of 32 feet per
5597 second per second takes over.
5598 II. Any body in motion will tend to remain in motion until solid matter
5599 intervenes suddenly.
5600 Whether shot from a cannon or in hot pursuit on foot, cartoon
5601 characters are so absolute in their momentum that only a telephone
5602 pole or an outsize boulder retards their forward motion absolutely.
5603 Sir Isaac Newton called this sudden termination of motion the
5605 III. Any body passing through solid matter will leave a perforation
5606 conforming to its perimeter.
5607 Also called the silhouette of passage, this phenomenon is the
5608 speciality of victims of directed-pressure explosions and of reckless
5609 cowards who are so eager to escape that they exit directly through
5610 the wall of a house, leaving a cookie-cutout-perfect hole. The
5611 threat of skunks or matrimony often catalyzes this reaction.
5612 -- Esquire, "O'Donnell's Laws of Cartoon Motion", June 1980
5614 " ... I told my doctor I got all the exercise I needed being a
5615 pallbearer for all my friends who run and do exercises!"
5616 -- Winston Churchill
5618 1. I'm Not Rudolph; That's Not My Nose
5619 2. The Nutcracker Swede
5620 3. Santa Goes Round-The-World
5622 5. Ninja Reindeer Killfest '88
5623 6. Yes, Yes, Oh God Yes, Virginia
5626 9. Santa's Magic Lap
5627 10. Hot Buttered Elves
5628 -- David Letterman, "Top Ten Christmas Movies in Times
5631 ... A booming voice says, "Wrong, cretin!", and you notice that you
5632 have turned into a pile of dust.
5634 ... A solemn, unsmiling, sanctimonious old iceberg who looked like he
5635 was waiting for a vacancy in the Trinity.
5638 ... a thing called Ethics, whose nature was confusing but if you had it you
5639 were a High-Class Realtor and if you hadn't you were a shyster, a piker and
5640 a fly-by-night. These virtues awakened Confidence and enabled you to handle
5641 Bigger Propositions. But they didn't imply that you were to be impractical
5642 and refuse to take twice the value for a house if a buyer was such an idiot
5643 that he didn't force you down on the asking price.
5644 -- Sinclair Lewis, "Babbitt"
5646 "... After all, all he did was string together a lot of old, well-known
5648 -- H. L. Mencken, on Shakespeare
5650 -- All articles that coruscate with resplendence are not truly auriferous.
5651 -- When there are visible vapors having the prevenience in ignited
5652 carbonaceous materials, there is conflagration.
5653 -- Sorting on the part of mendicants must be interdicted.
5654 -- A plethora of individuals wither expertise in culinary techniques vitiated
5655 the potable concoction produced by steeping certain coupestibles.
5656 -- Eleemosynary deeds have their initial incidence intramurally.
5657 -- Male cadavers are incapable of yielding testimony.
5658 -- Individuals who make their abode in vitreous edifices would be well
5659 advised to refrain from catapulting projectiles.
5661 =============== ALL FRESHMEN PLEASE NOTE ===============
5663 To minimize scheduling confusion, please realize that if you are taking one
5664 course which is offered at only one time on a given day, and another which is
5665 offered at all times on that day, the second class will be arranged as to
5666 afford maximum inconvenience to the student. For example, if you happen
5667 to work on campus, you will have 1-2 hours between classes. If you commute,
5668 there will be a minimum of 6 hours between the two classes.
5670 ... all the good computer designs are bootlegged; the formally planned
5671 products, if they are built at all, are dogs!
5672 -- David E. Lundstrom, "A Few Good Men From Univac",
5675 "... all the modern inconveniences ..."
5678 ... an anecdote from IBM's Yorktown Heights Research Center. When a
5679 programmer used his new computer terminal, all was fine when he was sitting
5680 down, but he couldn't log in to the system when he was standing up. That
5681 behavior was 100 percent repeatable: he could always log in when sitting and
5682 never when standing.
5684 Most of us just sit back and marvel at such a story; how could that terminal
5685 know whether the poor guy was sitting or standing? Good debuggers, though,
5686 know that there has to be a reason. Electrical theories are the easiest to
5687 hypothesize: was there a loose wire under the carpet, or problems with static
5688 electricity? But electrical problems are rarely consistently reproducible.
5689 An alert IBMer finally noticed that the problem was in the terminal's keyboard:
5690 the tops of two keys were switched. When the programmer was seated he was a
5691 touch typist and the problem went unnoticed, but when he stood he was led
5692 astray by hunting and pecking.
5693 -- from the Programming Pearls column,
5694 by Jon Bentley in CACM February 1985
5696 "... an experienced, industrious, ambitious, and often quite often
5700 ... and furthermore ... I don't like your trousers.
5702 ... And malt does more than Milton can
5703 To justify God's ways to man
5706 "... And remember: if you don't like the news, go out and make some of
5708 -- "Scoop" Nisker, KFOG radio reporter
5711 ... and the fully armed nuclear warheads are of course merely a
5713 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
5715 ... Another writer again agreed with all my generalities, but said that as an
5716 inveterate skeptic I have closed my mind to the truth. Most notably I have
5717 ignored the evidence for an Earth that is six thousand years old. Well, I
5718 haven't ignored it; I considered the purported evidence and *then* rejected
5719 it. There is a difference, and this is a difference, we might say, between
5720 prejudice and postjudice. Prejudice is making a judgment before you have
5721 looked at the facts. Postjudice is making a judgment afterwards. Prejudice
5722 is terrible, in the sense that you commit injustices and you make serious
5723 mistakes. Postjudice is not terrible. You can't be perfect of course; you
5724 may make mistakes also. But it is permissible to make a judgment after you
5725 have examined the evidence. In some circles it is even encouraged.
5726 -- Carl Sagan, "The Burden of Skepticism"
5728 ... Any resemblance between the above views and those of my employer,
5729 my terminal, or the view out my window are purely coincidental. Any
5730 resemblance between the above and my own views is non-deterministic. The
5731 question of the existence of views in the absence of anyone to hold them
5732 is left as an exercise for the reader. The question of the existence of
5733 the reader is left as an exercise for the second god coefficient. (A
5734 discussion of non-orthogonal, non-integral polytheism is beyond the scope
5737 ... at least I thought I was dancing, 'til somebody stepped on my hand.
5740 ... bleakness... desolation... plastic forks...
5741 -- Zippy the Pinhead
5743 ... But as records of courts and justice are admissible, it can
5744 easily be proved that powerful and malevolent magicians once existed
5745 and were a scourge to mankind. The evidence (including confession)
5746 upon which certain women were convicted of witchcraft and executed was
5747 without a flaw; it is still unimpeachable. The judges' decisions based
5748 on it were sound in logic and in law. Nothing in any existing court
5749 was ever more thoroughly proved than the charges of witchcraft and
5750 sorcery for which so many suffered death. If there were no witches,
5751 human testimony and human reason are alike destitute of value.
5752 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
5754 ... But if we laugh with derision, we will never understand. Human
5755 intellectual capacity has not altered for thousands of years so far as
5756 we can tell. If intelligent people invested intense energy in issues
5757 that now seem foolish to us, then the failure lies in our understanding
5758 of their world, not in their distorted perceptions. Even the standard
5759 example of ancient nonsense -- the debate about angels on pinheads --
5760 makes sense once you realize that theologians were not discussing
5761 whether five or eighteen would fit, but whether a pin could house a
5762 finite or an infinite number.
5763 -- S. J. Gould, "Wide Hats and Narrow Minds"
5765 ... But we've only fondled the surface of that subject.
5768 ... C++ offers even more flexible control over the visibility of member
5769 objects and member functions. Specifically, members may be placed in the
5770 public, private, or protected parts of a class. Members declared in the
5771 public parts are visible to all clients; members declared in the private
5772 parts are fully encapsulated; and members declared in the protected parts
5773 are visible only to the class itself and its subclasses. C++ also supports
5774 the notion of *friends*: cooperative classes that are permitted to see each
5775 other's private parts.
5776 -- Grady Booch, "Object Oriented Design with Applications"
5778 ... computer hardware progress is so fast. No other technology since
5779 civilization began has seen six orders of magnitude in performance-price
5783 ... [concerning quotation marks] even if we *___
\b\b\bdid* quote anybody in this
5784 business, it probably would be gibberish.
5787 ... difference of opinion is advantageous in religion. The several sects
5788 perform the office of a common censor morum over each other. Is uniformity
5789 attainable? Millions of innocent men, women, and children, since the
5790 introduction of Christianity, have been burnt, tortured, fined, imprisoned;
5791 yet we have not advanced one inch towards uniformity.
5792 -- Thomas Jefferson, "Notes on Virginia"
5794 <<<<< EVACUATION ROUTE <<<<<
5796 ... "fire" does not matter, "earth" and "air" and "water" do not matter.
5797 "I" do not matter. No word matters. But man forgets reality and remembers
5798 words. The more words he remembers, the cleverer do his fellows esteem him.
5799 He looks upon the great transformations of the world, but he does not see
5800 them as they were seen when man looked upon reality for the first time.
5801 Their names come to his lips and he smiles as he tastes them, thinking he
5802 knows them in the naming.
5803 -- Roger Zelazny, "Lord of Light"
5805 "... gentlemen do not read each other's mail."
5806 -- Secretary of State Henry Stimson, on closing down
5807 the Black Chamber, the precursor to the National
5810 ... Had this been an actual emergency, we would have fled in terror,
5811 and you would not have been informed.
5817 "... I should explain that I was wearing a black velvet cape that was
5818 supposed to make me look like the dashing, romantic Zorro but which
5819 actually made me look like a gigantic bat wearing glasses ..."
5820 -- Dave Barry, "The Wet Zorro Suit and Other Turning
5823 ... If forced to travel on an airplane, try and get in the cabin with
5824 the Captain, so you can keep an eye on him and nudge him if he falls
5825 asleep or point out any mountains looming up ahead ...
5826 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
5828 ... if the church put in half the time on covetousness that it does
5829 on lust, this would be a better world.
5830 -- Garrison Keillor, "Lake Wobegon Days"
5832 ... I'm IMAGINING a sensuous GIRAFFE, CAVORTING in the BACK ROOM of a
5835 **** IMPORTANT **** ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ****
5837 Due to a recent systems overload error your recent disk files have been
5838 erased. Therefore, in accordance with the UNIX Basic Manual, University of
5839 Washington Geophysics Manual, and Bylaw 9(c), Section XII of the Revised
5840 Federal Communications Act, you are being granted Temporary Disk Space,
5841 valid for three months from this date, subject to the restrictions set forth
5842 in Appendix II of the Federal Communications Handbook (18th edition) as well
5843 as the references mentioned herein. You may apply for more disk space at any
5844 time. Disk usage in or above the eighth percentile will secure the removal
5845 of all restrictions and you will immediately receive your permanent disk
5846 space. Disk usage in the sixth or seventh percentile will not effect the
5847 validity of your temporary disk space, though its expiration date may be
5848 extended for a period of up to three months. A score in the fifth percentile
5849 or below will result in the withdrawal of your Temporary Disk space.
5851 ... in three to eight years we will have a machine with the general
5852 intelligence of an average human being ... The machine will begin
5853 to educate itself with fantastic speed. In a few months it will be
5854 at genius level and a few months after that its powers will be
5856 -- Marvin Minsky, LIFE Magazine, November 20, 1970
5858 ... indifference is a militant thing ... when it goes away it leaves
5859 smoking ruins, where lie citizens bayonetted through the throat. It is
5860 not a children's pastime like mere highway robbery.
5863 >>> Internal error in fortune program:
5864 >>> fnum=2987 n=45 flag=1 goose_level=-232323
5865 >>> Please write down these values and notify fortune program administrator.
5867 : is not an identifier
5869 ... it is easy to be blinded to the essential uselessness of them by the
5870 sense of achievement you get from getting them to work at all. In other
5871 words... their fundamental design flaws are completely hidden by their
5872 superficial design flaws.
5873 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
5874 on the products of the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation
5876 ... it still remains true that as a set of cognitive beliefs about the
5877 existence of God in any recognizable sense continuous with the great
5878 systems of the past, religious doctrines constitute a speculative
5879 hypothesis of an extremely low order of probability.
5882 ... Jesus cried with a loud voice: Lazarus, come forth; the bug hath been
5883 found and thy program runneth. And he that was dead came forth...
5886 "... like, what do they mean when they say 'feminine protection'?
5887 What's that? A chartreuse flamethrower?"
5890 ... Logically incoherent, semantically incomprehensible, and
5891 legally ... impeccable!
5893 -- Male cadavers are incapable of yielding testimony.
5894 -- Individuals who make their abode in vitreous edifices would be well advised
5895 to refrain from catapulting projectiles.
5896 -- Neophyte's serendipity.
5897 -- Exclusive dedication to necessitous chores without interludes of hedonistic
5898 diversion renders John a hebetudinous fellow.
5899 -- A revolving concretion of earthy or mineral matter accumulates no congeries
5900 of small, green bryophytic plant.
5901 -- Abstention from any aleatory undertaking precludes a potential escalation
5902 of a lucrative nature.
5903 -- Missiles of ligneous or osteal consistency have the potential of fracturing
5904 osseous structure, but appellations will eternally remain innocuous.
5906 ** MAXIMUM TERMINALS ACTIVE. TRY AGAIN LATER **
5908 -- Neophyte's serendipity.
5909 -- Exclusive dedication to necessitous chores without interludes of
5910 hedonistic diversion renders John a hebetudinous fellow.
5911 -- A revolving concretion of earthy or mineral matter accumulates no
5912 congeries of small, green bryophytic plant.
5913 -- The person presenting the ultimate cachinnation possesses thereby the
5914 optimal cachinnation.
5915 -- Abstention from any aleatory undertaking precludes a potential
5916 escalation of a lucrative nature.
5917 -- Missiles of ligneous or osteal consistency have the potential of
5918 fracturing osseous structure, but appellations will eternally
5923 Archaeologists find PDP-11/24 inside brain cavity of fossilized dinosaur
5924 skeleton! Many Digital users fear that RSX-11M may be even more primitive
5925 than DEC admits. Price adjustments at 11:00.
5927 ... Now you're ready for the actual shopping. Your goal should be to
5928 get it over with as quickly as possible, because the longer you stay in
5929 the mall, the longer your children will have to listen to holiday songs
5930 on the mall public-address system, and many of these songs can damage
5931 children emotionally. For example: "Frosty the Snowman" is about a
5932 snowman who befriends some children, plays with them until they learn
5933 to love him, then melts. And "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" is about
5934 a young reindeer who, because of a physical deformity, is treated as an
5935 outcast by the other reindeer. Then along comes good, old Santa. Does
5936 he ignore the deformity? Does he look past Rudolph's nose and respect
5937 Rudolph for the sensitive reindeer he is underneath? No. Santa asks
5938 Rudolph to guide his sleigh, as if Rudolph were nothing more than some
5939 kind of headlight with legs and a tail. So unless you want your
5940 children exposed to this kind of insensitivity, you should shop
5942 -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
5944 ... Once you're safely in the mall, you should tie your children to you
5945 with ropes so the other shoppers won't try to buy them. Holiday
5946 shoppers have been whipped into a frenzy by months of holiday
5947 advertisements, and they will buy anything small enough to stuff into a
5948 shopping bag. If your children object to being tied, threaten to take
5949 them to see Santa Claus; that ought to shut them up.
5950 -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
5952 "... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that,
5953 lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of
5957 ... Our second completely true news item was sent to me by Mr. H. Boyce
5958 Connell Jr. of Atlanta, Ga., where he is involved in a law firm. One
5959 thing I like about the South is, folks there care about tradition. If
5960 somebody gets handed a name like "H. Boyce," he hangs on to it, puts it
5961 on his legal stationery, even passes it to his son, rather than do what
5962 a lesser person would do, such as get it changed or kill himself.
5963 -- Dave Barry, "This Column is Nothing but the Truth!"
5965 ... proper attention to Earthly needs of the poor, the depressed and the
5966 downtrodden, would naturally evolve from dynamic, articulate, spirited
5967 awareness of the great goals for Man and the society he conspired to erect.
5968 -- David Baker, paraphrasing Harold Urey, in
5969 "The History of Manned Space Flight"
5971 -- Scintillate, scintillate, asteroid minikin.
5972 -- Members of an avian species of identical plumage congregate.
5973 -- Surveillance should precede saltation.
5974 -- Pulchritude possesses solely cutaneous profundity.
5975 -- It is fruitless to become lachrymose over precipitately departed
5977 -- Freedom from incrustations of grime is contiguous to rectitude.
5978 -- It is fruitless to attempt to indoctrinate a superannuated
5979 canine with innovative maneuvers.
5980 -- Eschew the implement of correction and vitiate the scion.
5981 -- The temperature of the aqueous content of an unremittingly
5982 galled saucepan does not reach 212 degrees Fahrenheit.
5984 ... so long as the people do not care to exercise their freedom, those
5985 who wish to tyrannize will do so; for tyrants are active and ardent,
5986 and will devote themselves in the name of any number of gods, religious
5987 and otherwise, to put shackles upon sleeping men.
5988 -- Voltarine de Cleyre
5990 ... So the documentary-makers stick with sharks. Generally, their
5991 procedure is to scatter bleeding fish pieces around their boat, so as
5992 to infest the waters. I would estimate that the primary food source of
5993 sharks today is bleeding fish pieces scattered by people making
5994 documentaries. Once the sharks arrive, they are generally fairly
5995 listless. The general shark attitude seems to be: "Oh God, another
5996 documentary." So the divers have to somehow goad them into attacking,
5997 under the guise of Scientific Research. "We know very little about the
5998 effect of electricity on sharks," the narrator will say, in a deeply
5999 scientific voice. "That is why Todd is going to jab this Great White
6000 in the testicles with a cattle prod." The divers keep this kind of
6001 thing up until the shark finally gets irritated and snaps at them, and
6002 then they act as though this was a totally unexpected and very
6003 dangerous development, although clearly it is what they wanted all
6005 -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV"
6007 ***** Special AI Seminar (abstract)
6009 It has been widely recognized that AI programs require expert knowledge
6010 in order to perform well in complex domains. But knowledge alone is not
6011 sufficient for some applications; wisdom is needed as well. Accordingly,
6012 we have developed a new approach to artificial intelligence which we call
6013 "wisdom engineering". As a test of our ideas, we have written IMMANUEL, a
6014 wisdom based system for the task domain of western philosophical thought.
6015 IMMANUEL was supplied initially with 200 wisdom units which contained wisdom
6016 about such elementary concepts as mind, matter, being, nothingness, and so
6017 forth. IMMANUEL was then allowed to run freely, guided by the heuristic
6018 rules contained in its heterarchically organized meta wisdom base. IMMANUEL
6019 succeeded in rediscovering most of the important philosophical ideas developed
6020 in western culture over the course of the last 25 centuries, including those
6021 underlying Plato's theory of government, Kant's metaphysics, Nietzsche's theory
6022 of value, and Husserl's phenomenology. In this seminar, we will describe
6023 IMMANUEL's achievements and internal architecture. We will also briefly
6024 discuss our recent efforts to apply wisdom engineering to oil exploration.
6026 ... The Anarchists' [national] anthem is an international anthem that
6027 consists of 365 raspberries blown in very quick succession to the tune
6028 of "Camptown Races". Nobody has to stand up for it, nobody has to
6029 listen to it, and, even better, nobody has to play it.
6030 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
6032 -- THE BATES MOTEL --
6037 Norman, knock loudly,
6042 "... the Mayo Clinic, named after its founder, Dr. Ted Clinic ..."
6045 ... the MYSTERIANS are in here with my CORDUROY SOAP DISH!!
6047 ... the privileged being which we call human is distinguished from
6048 other animals only by certain double-edged manifestations which in
6049 charity we can only call "inhuman."
6052 -- The writing implement is more potent than the claymore.
6053 -- All articles that coruscate with resplendence are not truly auriferous.
6054 -- When there are visible vapors having the prevenience in ignited carbonaceous
6055 materials, there is conflagration.
6056 -- Sorting on the part of mendicants must be interdicted.
6057 -- A plethora of individuals wither expertise in culinary techniques vitiated
6058 the potable concoction produced by steeping certain coupestibles.
6059 -- The person presenting the ultimate cachinnation possesses thereby the
6060 optimal cachinnation.
6061 -- Eleemosynary deeds have their initial incidence intramurally.
6063 ... there are about 5,000 people who are part of that committee. These guys
6064 have a hard time sorting out what day to meet, and whether to eat croissants
6065 or doughnuts for breakfast -- let alone how to define how all these complex
6066 layers that are going to be agreed upon.
6067 -- Craig Burton of Novell, Network World
6069 ... TheysaidDoyouseethebiggreenglowinthedarkhouseuponthehill?andIsaidYesIsee
6070 thebiggreenglowinthedarkhouseuponthehillTheresabigdarkforestbetweenmeandthe
6071 biggreenglowinthedarkhouseuponthehillandalittleoldladyridingonaHoovervacuum
6072 cleanersayingIllgetyoumyprettyandyourlittledogTototoo ...
6074 I don't even *HAVE* a dog Toto...
6076 ... this is an awesome sight. The entire rebel resistance buried under six
6077 million hardbound copies of "The Naked Lunch."
6078 -- The Firesign Theater
6080 ... This striving for excellence extends into people's personal lives
6081 as well. When '80s people buy something, they buy the best one, as
6082 determined by (1) price and (2) lack of availability. Eighties people
6083 buy imported dental floss. They buy gourmet baking soda. If an '80s
6084 couple goes to a restaurant where they have made a reservation three
6085 weeks in advance, and they are informed that their table is available,
6086 they stalk out immediately, because they know it is not an excellent
6087 restaurant. If it were, it would have an enormous crowd of
6088 excellence-oriented people like themselves waiting, their beepers going
6089 off like crickets in the night. An excellent restaurant wouldn't have
6090 a table ready immediately for anybody below the rank of Liza Minnelli.
6091 -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence"
6093 ... though his invention worked superbly -- his theory was a crock of sewage
6094 from beginning to end.
6095 -- Vernor Vinge, "The Peace War"
6098 e dUdX, e dX, cosine, secant, tangent, sine, 3.14159...
6100 * UNIX is a Trademark of Bell Laboratories.
6102 VII. Certain bodies can pass through solid walls painted to resemble tunnel
6103 entrances; others cannot.
6104 This trompe l'oeil inconsistency has baffled generations, but at least
6105 it is known that whoever paints an entrance on a wall's surface to
6106 trick an opponent will be unable to pursue him into this theoretical
6107 space. The painter is flattened against the wall when he attempts to
6108 follow into the painting. This is ultimately a problem of art, not
6110 VIII. Any violent rearrangement of feline matter is impermanent.
6111 Cartoon cats possess even more deaths than the traditional nine lives
6112 might comfortably afford. They can be decimated, spliced, splayed,
6113 accordion-pleated, spindled, or disassembled, but they cannot be
6114 destroyed. After a few moments of blinking self pity, they reinflate,
6115 elongate, snap back, or solidify.
6116 IX. For every vengeance there is an equal and opposite revengeance.
6117 This is the one law of animated cartoon motion that also applies to
6118 the physical world at large. For that reason, we need the relief of
6119 watching it happen to a duck instead.
6120 X. Everything falls faster than an anvil.
6121 Examples too numerous to mention from the Roadrunner cartoons.
6122 -- Esquire, "O'Donnell's Laws of Cartoon Motion", June 1980
6126 ... we must counterpose the overwhelming judgment provided by consistent
6127 observations and inferences by the thousands. The earth is billions of
6128 years old and its living creatures are linked by ties of evolutionary
6129 descent. Scientists stand accused of promoting dogma by so stating, but
6130 do we brand people illiberal when they proclaim that the earth is neither
6131 flat nor at the center of the universe? Science *has* taught us some
6132 things with confidence! Evolution on an ancient earth is as well
6133 established as our planet's shape and position. Our continuing struggle
6134 to understand how evolution happens (the "theory of evolution") does not
6135 cast our documentation of its occurrence -- the "fact of evolution" --
6137 -- Stephen Jay Gould, "The Verdict on Creationism",
6138 The Skeptical Inquirer, Vol. XII No. 2.
6140 ... when fits of creativity run strong, more than one programmer or writer
6141 has been known to abandon the desktop for the more spacious floor.
6144 ... which reminds me of the Carrot family: Ma Carrot, Pa Carrot, and Baby
6145 Carrot. One fine spring day they decided to go out for a picnic. They all
6146 piled into their carrot-mobile and drive out to the country. But Pa Carrot
6147 wasn't watching where he was going and alas, he hit an oil slick and skidded
6148 right into a tree. Ma and Pa Carrot escaped with a few cuts and bruises, but
6149 poor Baby Carrot got broken in two. They frantically rushed him to the
6150 hospital and immediately the doctors started operating in a desperate attempt
6151 to save Baby Carrot's life. Ma and Pa Carrot were beside themselves with
6152 anxiety ... would poor little Baby Carrot make it?
6153 After hours of waiting the doctor finally emerges, bleary-eyed and
6154 barely able to walk.
6155 "Is he all right, is he all right?" Pa Carrot frantically stammers.
6156 "Well, I have some good news and some bad news," replies the doctor.
6157 Ma and Pa Carrot look at each other and blurt out, nearly in unison,
6158 "The good news first!"
6159 "All right, the good news is that Baby Carrot will live."
6160 "And the bad news? What's the bad news about our Baby Carrot?"
6161 The doctor puts his hand on Pa Carrot's shoulder and solemnly looks him in
6162 the eye. "Your son will live... but... he'll be a vegetable for the rest of
6165 !07/11 PDP a ni deppart m'I !pleH
6167 1: A sheet of paper is an ink-lined plane.
6168 2: An inclined plane is a slope up.
6169 3: A slow pup is a lazy dog.
6171 QED: A sheet of paper is a lazy dog.
6172 -- Willard Espy, "An Almanac of Words at Play"
6174 (1) Office employees will daily sweep the floors, dust the
6175 furniture, shelves, and showcases.
6176 (2) Each day fill lamps, clean chimneys, and trim wicks.
6177 Wash the windows once a week.
6178 (3) Each clerk will bring a bucket of water and a scuttle of
6179 coal for the day's business.
6180 (4) Make your pens carefully. You may whittle nibs to your
6182 (5) This office will open at 7 a.m. and close at 8 p.m. except
6183 on the Sabbath, on which day we will remain closed. Each
6184 employee is expected to spend the Sabbath by attending
6185 church and contributing liberally to the cause of the Lord.
6186 -- "Office Worker's Guide", New England Carriage
6189 1 + 1 = 3, for large values of 1.
6191 1. If it doesn't smell like chili, it probably isn't.
6192 2. If you catch an exploding manhole cover, you can keep it.
6193 3. Cabs driving on the sidewalk are not permitted to pick up passengers.
6194 4. It's bad manners to lie down inside someone else's chalk body outline.
6195 5. Don't lick food from a stranger's beard.
6196 6. Avoid paperwork for your next of kin by keeping dental records on you.
6197 7. Jon Gotti Always has the right of way.
6198 8. Yelling at cab drivers in English wastes your time and theirs.
6199 9. Remember: Regular hot dogs do not have fingernails.
6200 10. The city does not employ so called "Wallet Inspectors".
6201 -- David Letterman, "Top Ten New York City Pedestrian Tips"
6203 (1) Alexander the Great was a great general.
6204 (2) Great generals are forewarned.
6205 (3) Forewarned is forearmed.
6206 (4) Four is an even number.
6207 (5) Four is certainly an odd number of arms for a man to have.
6208 (6) The only number that is both even and odd is infinity.
6209 Therefore, all horses are black.
6211 (1) Alexander the Great was a great general.
6212 (2) Great generals are forewarned.
6213 (3) Forewarned is forearmed.
6214 (4) Four is an even number.
6215 (5) Four is certainly an odd number of arms for a man to have.
6216 (6) The only number that is both even and odd is infinity.
6218 Therefore, Alexander the Great had an infinite number of arms.
6220 1. Avoid fried meats which angry up the blood.
6221 2. If your stomach antagonizes you, pacify it with cool thoughts.
6222 3. Keep the juices flowing by jangling around gently as you move.
6223 4. Go very lightly on the vices, such as carrying on in society, as
6224 the social ramble ain't restful.
6225 5. Avoid running at all times.
6226 6. Don't look back, something might be gaining on you.
6227 -- S. Paige, c. 1951
6229 1 Billion dollars of budget deficit = 1 Gramm-Rudman
6230 6.023 x 10 to the 23rd power alligator pears = Avocado's number
6232 Basic unit of Laryngitis = The Hoarsepower
6233 Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line
6234 6 Curses = 1 Hexahex
6235 3500 Calories = 1 Food Pound
6236 1 Mole = 007 Secret Agents
6237 1 Mole = 25 Cagey Bees
6238 1 Dog Pound = 16 oz. of Alpo
6239 1000 beers served at a Twins game = 1 Killibrew
6240 2.4 statute miles of surgical tubing at Yale U. = 1 I.V.League
6241 2000 pounds of Chinese soup = 1 Won Ton
6242 10 to the minus 6th power mouthwashes = 1 Microscope
6243 Speed of a tortoise breaking the sound barrier = 1 Machturtle
6244 8 Catfish = 1 Octo-puss
6245 365 Days of drinking Lo-Cal beer. = 1 Lite-year
6246 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling
6247 Force needed to accelerate 2.2lbs of cookies = 1 Fig-newton
6248 to 1 meter per second
6249 One half large intestine = 1 Semicolon
6250 10 to the minus 6th power Movie = 1 Microfilm
6251 1000 pains = 1 Megahertz
6252 1 Word = 1 Millipicture
6253 1 Sagan = Billions & Billions
6254 1 Angstrom: measure of computer anxiety = 1000 nail-bytes
6255 10 to the 12th power microphones = 1 Megaphone
6256 10 to the 6th power Bicycles = 2 megacycles
6257 The amount of beauty required launch 1 ship = 1 Millihelen
6261 (1) Everything depends.
6262 (2) Nothing is always.
6263 (3) Everything is sometimes.
6265 1) Never draw what you can copy.
6266 2) Never copy what you can trace.
6267 3) Never trace what you can cut out and paste down.
6269 1. Never give anything away for nothing. 2. Never give more than
6270 you have to (always catch the buyer hungry and always make him wait).
6271 3. Always take back everything if you possibly can.
6272 -- William S. Burroughs, on drug pushing
6274 1: No code table for op: ++post
6277 2) X^2=XY ; Multiply both sides by X
6278 3) X^2-Y^2=XY-Y^2 ; Subtract Y^2 from both sides
6279 4) (X+Y)(X-Y)=Y(X-Y) ; Factor
6280 5) X+Y=Y ; Cancel out (X-Y) term
6281 6) 2Y=Y ; Substitute X for Y, by equation 1
6282 7) 2=1 ; Divide both sides by Y
6283 -- "Omni", proof that 2 equals 1
6285 10. Not everybody looks good naked.
6286 9. Joe Garagiola was a hell of an emcee.
6287 8. Joe Cocker really should stick with decaffeinated coffee.
6288 7. Fringe! Fringe! Fringe!
6289 6. If you've got 72 hours to kill, you can probably find room for Sha Na Na.
6290 5. Never attend an event with a 50,000 to 1 person to Port-A-San ratio.
6291 4. Bellbottoms will never go out of style.
6292 3. A drum solo cannot be too long.
6293 2. I, David Letterman, will never rent out my farm again.
6294 1. We are stardust. We are golden. We are going to look really stupid to
6296 -- David Letterman, "Top Ten Lessons of Woodstock"
6298 10 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Woman:
6300 1. A beer won't make you go to church.
6301 2. A beer is more likely to know how to spell "carburetor" than a woman.
6302 3. A beer doesn't think baseball is stupid simply because the guys spit.
6303 4. A beer doesn't give a [expletive deleted] if you keep a bunch of
6304 other beers on the side.
6305 5. A beer will not call you a sexist pig if you say "Doberman" instead of
6307 6. A beer won't get a job as a DJ and play 5 straight hours of lesbian
6308 folk music on yer fave radio station.
6309 7. A beer understands why The Three Stooges are funny.
6310 8. A beer won't raise a fuss about a little thing like leaving the
6312 9. A beer doesn't think that a "three-hundred-fifty cubic-inch V8" is an
6313 enormous can of vegetable juice.
6314 10. A beer won't smoke in your car.
6316 100 buckets of bits on the bus
6318 Take one down, short it to ground
6319 FF buckets of bits on the bus
6321 FF buckets of bits on the bus
6323 Take one down, short it to ground
6324 FE buckets of bits on the bus
6328 $100 invested at 7% interest for 100 years will become $100,000, at
6329 which time it will be worth absolutely nothing.
6330 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
6332 $100 placed at 7 percent interest compounded quarterly for 200 years will
6333 increase to more than $100,000,000 -- by which time it will be worth nothing.
6334 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough For Love"
6336 10.0 times 0.1 is hardly ever 1.0.
6338 101 USES FOR A DEAD MICROPROCESSOR
6339 (1) Scarecrow for centipedes
6343 (5) Self-piercing earrings
6346 (8) Prosthetic dog claws
6350 (99) Window garden harrow (pulled behind Tonka tractors)
6356 1/2 oz. rum (preferably dark)
6359 1/2 oz. orange juice
6362 shake with ice and strain into frosted glass.
6363 Long Island Iced Tea
6367 1.79 x 10^12 furlongs per fortnight -- it's not just a good idea, it's
6370 17th Rule of Friendship:
6372 A friend will refrain from telling you he picked up the same amount
6373 of life insurance coverage you did for half the price when yours is
6375 -- Esquire, May 1977
6377 186,282 miles per second:
6379 It isn't just a good idea, it's the law!
6381 1893 The ideal brain tonic
6382 1900 Drink Coca-Cola -- delicious and refreshing -- 5 cents at all
6384 1905 Is the favorite drink for LADIES when thirsty -- weary -- despondent
6385 1905 Refreshes the weary, brightens the intellect and clears the brain
6386 1906 The drink of QUALITY
6387 1907 Good to the last drop
6388 1907 It satisfies the thirst and pleases the palate
6389 1907 Refreshing as a summer breeze. Delightful as a Dip in the Sea
6390 1908 The Drink that Cheers but does not inebriate
6391 1917 There's a delicious freshness to the taste of Coca-Cola
6392 1919 It satisfies thirst
6393 1919 The taste is the test
6394 1922 Every glass holds the answer to thirst
6395 1922 Thirst knows no season
6396 1925 Enjoy the sociable drink
6397 -- Coca-Cola slogans
6399 1925 With a drink so good, 'tis folly to be thirsty
6400 1929 The high sign of refreshment
6401 1929 The pause that refreshes
6402 1930 It had to be good to get where it is
6403 1932 The drink that makes a pause refreshing
6404 1935 The pause that brings friends together
6405 1937 STOP for a pause... GO refreshed
6406 1938 The best friend thirst ever had
6407 1939 Thirst stops here
6408 1942 It's the real thing
6410 1961 Zing! what a REFRESHING NEW FEELING
6411 1963 Things go better with Coke
6412 1969 Face Uncle Sam with a Coke in your hand
6413 1979 Have a Coke and a smile
6415 -- Coca-Cola slogans
6417 1st graffitiest: QUESTION AUTHORITY!
6419 2nd graffitiest: Why?
6421 2180, U.S. History question:
6422 What 20th Century U.S. President was almost impeached and what
6423 office did he later hold?
6425 3 syncs represent the trinity -- init, the child and the eternal zombie
6426 process. In doing 3, you're paying homage to each and I think such
6427 traditions are important in this shallow, mercurial business we find
6429 -- Jordan K. Hubbard
6433 355/113 -- Not the famous irrational number PI, but an incredible
6436 3M, under the Scotch brand name, manufactures a fine adhesive for art
6437 and display work. This product is called "Craft Mount". 3M suggests
6438 that to obtain the best results, one should make the bond "while the
6439 adhesive is wet, aggressively tacky." I did not know what "aggressively
6440 tacky" meant until I read today's fortune.
6442 [And who said we didn't offer equal time, huh? Ed.]
6444 40 isn't old. If you're a tree.
6446 4.2 BSD UNIX #57: Sun Jun 1 23:02:07 EDT 1986
6448 You swing at the Sun. You miss. The Sun swings. He hits you with a
6449 575MB disk! You read the 575MB disk. It is written in an alien
6450 tongue and cannot be read by your tired Sun-2 eyes. You throw the
6451 575MB disk at the Sun. You hit! The Sun must repair your eyes. The
6452 Sun reads a scroll. He hits your 130MB disk! He has defeated the
6453 130MB disk! The Sun reads a scroll. He hits your Ethernet board! He
6454 has defeated your Ethernet board! You read a scroll of "postpone until
6455 Monday at 9 AM". Everything goes dark...
6456 -- /etc/motd, cbosgd
6458 43rd Law of Computing:
6459 Anything that can go wr
6460 fortune: Segmentation violation -- Core dumped
6462 (6) Men employees will be given time off each week for courting
6463 purposes, or two evenings a week if they go regularly to church.
6464 (7) After an employee has spent his thirteen hours of labor in the
6465 office, he should spend the remaining time reading the Bible
6466 and other good books.
6467 (8) Every employee should lay aside from each pay packet a goodly
6468 sum of his earnings for his benefit during his declining years,
6469 so that he will not become a burden on society or his betters.
6470 (9) Any employee who smokes Spanish cigars, uses alcoholic drink
6471 in any form, frequents pool tables and public halls, or gets
6472 shaved in a barber's shop, will give me good reason to suspect
6473 his worth, intentions, integrity and honesty.
6474 (10) The employee who has performed his labours faithfully and
6475 without a fault for five years, will be given an increase of
6476 five cents per day in his pay, providing profits from the
6478 -- "Office Worker's Guide", New England Carriage
6486 7:30, Channel 5: The Bionic Dog (Action/Adventure)
6487 The Bionic Dog drinks too much and kicks over the National
6490 7:30, Channel 5: The Bionic Dog (Action/Adventure)
6491 The Bionic Dog gets a hormonal short-circuit and violates the
6492 Mann Act with an interstate Greyhound bus.
6494 77. HO HUM -- The Redundant
6496 ------- (7) This hexagram refers to a situation of extreme
6497 --- --- (8) boredom. Your programs always bomb off. Your wife
6498 ------- (7) smells bad. Your children have hives. You are working
6499 ---O--- (6) on an accounting system, when you want to develop the
6500 ---X--- (9) GREAT AMERICAN COMPILER. You give up hot dates to
6501 --- --- (8) nurse sick computers. What you need now is sex.
6503 Nine in the second place means:
6504 The yellow bird approaches the malt shop. Misfortune.
6506 Six in the third place means:
6507 In former times men built altars to honor the Internal Revenue
6508 Service. Great Dragons! Are you in trouble!
6510 90% of the work takes 90% of the time.
6511 The remaining 10% takes the other 90% of the time.
6513 94% of the women in America are beautiful
6514 and the rest hang out around here.
6516 99 blocks of crud on the disk,
6518 You patch a bug, and dump it again:
6519 100 blocks of crud on the disk!
6521 100 blocks of crud on the disk,
6523 You patch a bug, and dump it again:
6524 101 blocks of crud on the disk!
6526 A baby is an alimentary canal with a loud voice
6527 at one end and no responsibility at the other.
6529 A baby is God's opinion that the world should go on.
6532 A bachelor is a man who never made the same mistake once.
6534 A bachelor is a selfish, undeserving guy
6535 who has cheated some woman out of a divorce.
6538 A bachelor is an unaltared male.
6540 A bachelor never quite gets over the idea that he is a thing of beauty
6544 A bad marriage is like a horse with a broken leg, you can shoot
6545 the horse, but it don't fix the leg.
6547 A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and
6548 ask for it back the when it begins to rain.
6551 A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining
6552 and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
6555 A beautiful woman is a blessing from Heaven, but a good cigar is a smoke.
6558 A beautiful woman is a picture which drives all beholders nobly mad.
6561 A beer delayed is a beer denied.
6563 A beginning is the time for taking the
6564 most delicate care that balances are correct.
6565 -- Princess Irulan, "Manual of Maud'Dib"
6567 A billion here, a billion there -- pretty soon it adds up to real money.
6568 -- Sen. Everett Dirksen, on the U.S. defense budget
6570 A billion seconds ago Harry Truman was president.
6571 A billion minutes ago was just after the time of Christ.
6572 A billion hours ago man had not yet walked on earth.
6573 A billion dollars ago was late yesterday afternoon at the U.S. Treasury.
6575 A biologist, a statistician, a mathematician and a computer scientist are on
6576 a photo-safari in Africa. As they're driving along the savannah in their
6577 jeep, they stop and scout the horizon with their binoculars.
6579 The biologist: "Look! A herd of zebras! And there's a white zebra!
6580 Fantastic! We'll be famous!"
6581 The statistician: "Hey, calm down, it's not significant. We only know
6582 there's one white zebra."
6583 The mathematician: "Actually, we only know there exists a zebra, which is
6585 The computer scientist : "Oh, no! A special case!"
6587 A bird in the bush usually has a friend in there with him.
6589 A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.
6592 A bird in the hand is worth what it will bring.
6594 A bird in the hand makes it awfully hard to blow your nose.
6600 A black cat crossing your path signifies
6601 that the animal is going somewhere.
6604 A book is the work of a mind, doing its work in the way that a mind deems
6605 best. That's dangerous. Is the work of some mere individual mind likely to
6606 serve the aims of collectively accepted compromises, which are known in the
6607 schools as 'standards'? Any mind that would audaciously put itself forth to
6608 work all alone is surely a bad example for the students, and probably, if
6609 not downright antisocial, at least a little off-center, self-indulgent,
6610 elitist. ... It's just good pedagogy, therefore, to stay away from such
6611 stuff, and use instead, if film-strips and rap-sessions must be
6612 supplemented, 'texts,' selected, or prepared, or adapted, by real
6613 professionals. Those texts are called 'reading material.' They are the
6614 academic equivalent of the 'listening material' that fills waiting-rooms,
6615 and the 'eating material' that you can buy in thousands of convenient eating
6616 resource centers along the roads.
6617 -- The Underground Grammarian
6619 A bore is a man who talks so much about
6620 himself that you can't talk about yourself.
6622 A bore is someone who persists in holding his
6623 own views after we have enlightened him with ours.
6625 A boss with no humor is like a job that's no fun.
6627 A box without hinges, key, or lid,
6628 Yet golden treasure inside is hid.
6631 A boy can learn a lot from a dog: obedience, loyalty, and the importance
6632 of turning around three times before lying down.
6635 A boy gets to be a man when a man is needed.
6638 A budget is just a method of worrying
6639 before you spend money, as well as afterward.
6641 A bug in the code is worth two in the documentation.
6643 A bug in the hand is better than one as yet undetected.
6645 A bunch of Polish scientists decided to flee their repressive government by
6646 hijacking an airliner and forcing the pilot to fly them to the West. They
6647 drove to the airport, forced their way on board a large passenger jet, and
6648 found there was no pilot on board. Terrified, they listened as the sirens
6649 got louder. Finally, one of the scientists suggested that since he was an
6650 experimentalist, he would try to fly the aircraft.
6651 He sat down at the controls and tried to figure them out. The sirens
6652 got louder and louder. Armed men surrounded the jet. The would be pilot's
6653 friends cried out, "Please, please take off now!!! Hurry!!!"
6654 The experimentalist calmly replied, "Have patience. I'm just a simple
6655 pole in a complex plane."
6657 A bunch of the boys were whooping it in the Malemute saloon;
6658 The kid that handles the music box was hitting a jag-time tune;
6659 Back of the bar, in a solo game, sat Dangerous Dan McGrew,
6660 And watching his luck was his light-o'-love, the lady that's known as Lou.
6661 -- Robert W. Service
6663 A bureaucrat's idea of cleaning up his files
6664 is to make a copy of everything before he destroys it.
6666 A businessman is a hybrid of a dancer and a calculator.
6669 "A can of ASPARAGUS, 73 pigeons, some LIVE ammo, and a FROZEN DAIQUIRI!!"
6670 -- Zippy the Pinhead
6672 A candidate is a person who gets money from the rich
6673 and votes from the poor to protect them from each other.
6675 A cannibal warrior is experiencing severe gastric distress, so he goes
6676 to his Village Witch Doctor with his complaint. The VWD examines him
6677 and, concluding that something he ate disagreed with him, began to cross
6678 examine him about his recent diet.
6679 "Well, I ate a missionary yesterday. Do you think that could be
6681 The VWD says "Hmmmm." (All doctors say "Hmmmm.") "That could be.
6682 Tell me a bit about this missionary."
6683 "Well, he was tall for a white man, wearing a brown robe. He was
6684 walking down the trail, not watching for danger, so I speared him, dragged
6685 him home, cleaned him, boiled him and ate him."
6686 "Ah-hah!" (All doctors say "Ah-hah!") There's your problem," smiles
6687 the VWD. You boiled him, but he was a friar!"
6689 A career is great, but you can't run your fingers through its hair.
6691 A castaway was washed ashore after many days on the open sea. The island
6692 on which he landed was populated by savage cannibals who tied him, dazed
6693 and exhausted, to a thick stake. They then proceeded to cut his arms
6694 with their spears and drink his blood. This continued for several days
6695 until the castaway could stand no more. He yelled for the cannibal chief
6696 and declared, "You can kill me if you want to, but this torture with the
6697 spears has got to stop. Dammit, I'm tired of getting stuck for the drinks."
6699 A casual stroll through a lunatic asylum shows that faith
6700 does not prove anything.
6701 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
6703 A celebrity is a person who is known for his well-knownness.
6705 A certain amount of opposition is a help, not a hindrance.
6706 Kites rise against the wind, not with it.
6708 A certain monk had a habit of pestering the Grand Tortue (the only one who
6709 had ever reached the Enlightenment 'Yond Enlightenment), by asking whether
6710 various objects had Buddha-nature or not. To such a question Tortue
6711 invariably sat silent. The monk had already asked about a bean, a lake,
6712 and a moonlit night. One day he brought to Tortue a piece of string, and
6713 asked the same question. In reply, the Grand Tortue grasped the loop
6714 between his feet and, with a few simple manipulations, created a complex
6715 string which he proffered wordlessly to the monk. At that moment, the monk
6718 From then on, the monk did not bother Tortue. Instead, he made string after
6719 string by Tortue's method; and he passed the method on to his own disciples,
6720 who passed it on to theirs.
6722 A certain old cat had made his home in the alley behind Gabe's bar for some
6723 time, subsisting on scraps and occasional handouts from the bartender. One
6724 evening, emboldened by hunger, the feline attempted to follow Gabe through
6725 the back door. Regrettably, only the his body had made it through when
6726 the door slammed shut, severing the cat's tail at its base. This proved too
6727 much for the old creature, who looked sadly at Gabe and expired on the spot.
6728 Gabe put the carcass back out in the alley and went back to business.
6729 The mandatory closing time arrived and Gabe was in the process of locking up
6730 after the last customers had gone. Approaching the back door he was startled
6731 to see an apparition of the old cat mournfully holding its severed tail out,
6732 silently pleading for Gabe to put the tail back on its corpse so that it could
6733 go on to the kitty afterworld complete.
6734 Gabe shook his head sadly and said to the ghost, "I can't. You know
6735 the law -- no retailing spirits after 2:00 AM."
6737 A Chicago salesman was about to check into a St. Louis hotel when he noticed
6738 a very charming woman staring admiringly at him. He walked over and spoke
6739 with her for a few minutes, then returned to the front desk, where they checked
6741 After a very pleasurable three-day stay, the man approached the front
6742 desk and told the clerk he was checking out. In a few minutes, he was handed
6744 "There must be some mistake," the salesman said. "I've been here for
6746 "Yes, sir," the clerk replied. "But your wife has been here a month
6749 A chicken is an egg's way of producing more eggs.
6751 A child can go only so far in life without potty training. It is not
6752 mere coincidence that six of the last seven presidents were potty
6753 trained, not to mention nearly half of the nation's state legislators.
6756 A child of five could understand this! Fetch me a child of five.
6758 A chronic disposition to inquiry
6759 deprives domestic felines of vital qualities.
6761 A chubby man with a white beard and a red suit
6762 will approach you soon. Avoid him. He's a Commie.
6764 A citizen of America will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, but
6765 won't cross the street to vote in a national election.
6768 A city is a large community where people are lonesome together.
6771 A clash of doctrine is not a disaster - it is an opportunity.
6773 A classic is something that everybody wants to have read and nobody
6775 -- Mark Twain quoting Professor Winchester,
6776 "The Disappearance of Literature"
6778 A clever prophet makes sure of the event first.
6780 A closed mouth gathers no foot.
6782 A cloud does not know why it moves in just such a direction and at such
6783 a speed, if feels an impulsion... this is the place to go now. But the
6784 sky knows the reasons and the patterns behind all clouds, and you will
6785 know, too, when you lift yourself high enough to see beyond horizons.
6786 -- Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul
6788 A CODE OF ETHICAL BEHAVIOR FOR PATIENTS:
6790 1. DO NOT EXPECT YOUR DOCTOR TO SHARE YOUR DISCOMFORT.
6791 Involvement with the patient's suffering might cause him to lose
6792 valuable scientific objectivity.
6794 2. BE CHEERFUL AT ALL TIMES.
6795 Your doctor leads a busy and trying life and requires all the
6796 gentleness and reassurance he can get.
6798 3. TRY TO SUFFER FROM THE DISEASE FOR WHICH YOU ARE BEING TREATED.
6799 Remember that your doctor has a professional reputation to uphold.
6801 A CODE OF ETHICAL BEHAVIOR FOR PATIENTS:
6803 4. DO NOT COMPLAIN IF THE TREATMENT FAILS TO BRING RELIEF.
6804 You must believe that your doctor has achieved a deep insight into
6805 the true nature of your illness, which transcends any mere permanent
6806 disability you may have experienced.
6808 5. NEVER ASK YOUR DOCTOR TO EXPLAIN WHAT HE IS DOING OR WHY HE IS DOING IT.
6809 It is presumptuous to assume that such profound matters could be
6810 explained in terms that you would understand.
6812 6. SUBMIT TO NOVEL EXPERIMENTAL TREATMENT READILY.
6813 Though the surgery may not benefit you directly, the resulting
6814 research paper will surely be of widespread interest.
6816 A CODE OF ETHICAL BEHAVIOR FOR PATIENTS:
6818 7. PAY YOUR MEDICAL BILLS PROMPTLY AND WILLINGLY.
6819 You should consider it a privilege to contribute, however modestly,
6820 to the well-being of physicians and other humanitarians.
6822 8. DO NOT SUFFER FROM AILMENTS THAT YOU CANNOT AFFORD.
6823 It is sheer arrogance to contract illnesses that are beyond your means.
6825 9. NEVER REVEAL ANY OF THE SHORTCOMINGS THAT HAVE COME TO LIGHT IN THE COURSE
6826 OF TREATMENT BY YOUR DOCTOR.
6827 The patient-doctor relationship is a privileged one, and you have a
6828 sacred duty to protect him from exposure.
6830 10. NEVER DIE WHILE IN YOUR DOCTOR'S PRESENCE OR UNDER HIS DIRECT CARE.
6831 This will only cause him needless inconvenience and embarrassment.
6833 A Code of Honour: never approach a friend's girlfriend or wife with mischief
6834 as your goal. There are too many women in the world to justify that sort of
6835 dishonourable behaviour. Unless she's really attractive.
6836 -- Bruce J. Friedman, "Sex and the Lonely Guy"
6838 A committee is a group that keeps the minutes and loses hours.
6841 A committee is a life form with six or more legs and no brain.
6842 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough For Love"
6844 A committee takes root and grows, it flowers, wilts and dies,
6845 scattering the seed from which other committees will bloom.
6848 A commune is where people join together to share their lack of wealth.
6851 A company is known by the men it keeps.
6853 A complex system that works is invariably
6854 found to have evolved from a simple system that works.
6856 A compliment is something like a kiss through a veil.
6859 [A computer is] like an Old Testament god, with a lot of rules and no mercy.
6862 A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any other invention,
6863 with the possible exceptions of handguns and Tequila.
6866 A computer salesman visits a company president for the purpose of selling
6867 the president one of the latest talking computers.
6868 Salesman: "This machine knows everything. I can ask it any question
6869 and it'll give the correct answer. Computer, what is the
6871 Computer: 186,000 miles per second.
6872 Salesman: "Who was the first president of the United States?"
6873 Computer: George Washington.
6874 President: "I'm still not convinced. Let me ask a question.
6875 Where is my father?"
6876 Computer: Your father is fishing in Georgia.
6877 President: "Hah!! The computer is wrong. My father died over twenty
6879 Computer: Your mother's husband died 22 years ago. Your father just
6880 landed a twelve pound bass.
6882 A computer science student and a practical hacker are discussing problems
6883 the computer science student has run in to.
6885 CS Student: I have this singularly linked tail-queued list and I'm trying
6886 to make it O(1) to go backwards an item, instead of O(n)...
6887 What's the best way to go about that? Should I just use a
6888 cached hash of each item and put it into a sorted lookup
6889 table, and cache the hash of the last item in the current
6890 queue entry and then go to its place in the hash table and
6891 get the pointer value from there?
6892 Hacker: No, you should add an item to the structure named 'prev' and
6893 make it point to the previous item.
6894 CS Student: But we already have a structure element with that identifier
6895 and structure elements must have unique names within that
6897 Hacker: So call it 'previous'.
6899 And then the CS Student was enlightened.
6901 A computer scientist is someone who fixes things that aren't broken.
6903 A computer, to print out a fact,
6904 Will divide, multiply, and subtract.
6905 But this output can be
6906 No more than debris,
6907 If the input was short of exact.
6910 A computer without COBOL and Fortran is like a piece of chocolate
6911 cake without ketchup and mustard.
6913 A conclusion is simply the place where someone got tired of thinking.
6915 A conference is a gathering of important people who singly can
6916 do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.
6919 A CONS is an object which cares.
6922 A conservative is a man who is too cowardly to fight and too fat to run.
6925 A consultant is a person who borrows your watch, tells you what time it
6926 is, pockets the watch, and sends you a bill for it.
6928 A continuing flow of paper is sufficient to continue the flow of paper.
6931 A copy of the universe is not what is required of art; one of the
6932 damned things is ample.
6935 A couch is as good as a chair.
6937 A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats.
6940 A couple of young fellers were fishing at their special pond off the
6941 beaten track when out of the bushes jumped the Game Warden. Immediately,
6942 one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods
6943 like the proverbial bat out of hell, and hot on his heels ran the Game
6944 Warden. After about a half mile the fella stopped and stooped over with
6945 his hands on his thighs, whooping and heaving to catch his breath as the
6946 Game Warden finally caught up to him.
6947 "Let's see yer fishin' license, boy," the Warden gasped. The
6948 man pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a valid fishing
6950 "Well, son", snarled the Game Warden, "You must be about as dumb
6951 as a box of rocks! You didn't have to run if you have a license!"
6952 "Yes, sir," replied his victim, "but, well, see, my friend back
6953 there, he don't have one!"
6955 A cousin of mine once said about money,
6956 money is always there but the pockets change;
6957 it is not in the same pockets after a change,
6958 and that is all there is to say about money.
6961 A cow is a completely automated milk-manufacturing machine. It is encased
6962 in untanned leather and mounted on four vertical, movable supports, one at
6963 each corner. The front end of the machine, or input, contains the cutting
6964 and grinding mechanism, utilizing a unique feedback device. Here also are
6965 the headlights, air inlet and exhaust, a bumper and a foghorn.
6966 At the rear, the machine carries the milk-dispensing equipment as
6967 well as a built-in flyswatter and insect repeller. The central portion
6968 houses a hydro- chemical-conversion unit. Briefly, this consists of four
6969 fermentation and storage tanks connected in series by an intricate network
6970 of flexible plumbing. This assembly also contains the central heating plant
6971 complete with automatic temperature controls, pumping station and main
6972 ventilating system. The waste disposal apparatus is located to the rear of
6973 this central section.
6974 Cows are available fully-assembled in an assortment of sizes and
6975 colors. Production output ranges from 2 to 20 tons of milk per year. In
6976 brief, the main external visible features of the cow are: two lookers, two
6977 hookers, four stander-uppers, four hanger-downers, and a swishy-wishy.
6979 A critic is a bundle of biases held loosely together by a sense of taste.
6982 A "critic" is a man who creates nothing and thereby feels
6983 qualified to judge the work of creative men. There is logic
6984 in this; he is unbiased -- he hates all creative people equally.
6986 A crusader's wife slipped from the garrison
6987 And had an affair with a Saracen.
6988 She was not oversexed,
6989 Or jealous or vexed,
6990 She just wanted to make a comparison.
6992 A cynic is a person searching for an honest man, with a stolen
6996 A day for firm decisions!!!!! Or is it?
6998 A day without orange juice is like a day without orange juice.
7000 A day without sunshine is like a day without Anita Bryant.
7002 A day without sunshine is like a day without orange juice.
7004 A day without sunshine is like night.
7006 A dead man cannot bite.
7007 -- Gnaeus Pompeius (Pompey)
7009 A debugged program is one for which you have
7010 not yet found the conditions that make it fail.
7013 A decade after Vietnam, we still cannot understand why "their"
7014 Salvadorans fight better than "our" Salvadorans. It is not a matter of
7015 their training or their equipment. It has to do with the quality of the
7016 society we are asking them to risk death defending. The metaphor of the
7017 domino obscures this reality, and the cost our self-imposed blindness
7018 is high. San Salvador is closer to Saigon than to Munich.
7019 -- William LeoGrande, "New York Times", 3/9/83
7021 A Difficulty for Every Solution.
7022 -- Motto of the Federal Civil Service
7024 A diplomat is a man who can convince his wife she'd look stout in a fur
7027 A diplomat is a man who can tell you to
7028 go to hell and make the trip sound pleasurable.
7031 A diplomat is a person who can tell you to go to hell
7032 in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.
7033 -- Caskie Stinnett, "Out of the Red"
7035 A diplomat is man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never her age.
7038 A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that
7039 you will look forward to the trip.
7041 A diplomatic husband said to his wife, "How do you expect me to remember
7042 your birthday when you never look any older?"
7044 A diplomat's life consists of three things: protocol, Geritol, and alcohol.
7047 A distraught patient phoned her doctor's office. "Was it true," the woman
7048 inquired, "that the medication the doctor had prescribed was for the rest
7050 She was told that it was. There was just a moment of silence before
7051 the woman proceeded bravely on. "Well, I'm wondering, then, how serious my
7052 condition is. This prescription is marked `NO REFILLS'".
7054 A diva who specializes in risqu'
\be arias is an off-coloratura soprano.
7056 A doctor calls his patient to give him the results of his tests. "I have
7057 some bad news," says the doctor, "and some worse news." The bad news is
7058 that you only have six weeks to live."
7059 "Oh, no," says the patient. "What could possibly be worse than
7061 "Well," the doctor replies, "I've been trying to reach you since
7064 A doctor was stranded with a lawyer in a leaky life raft in shark-infested
7065 waters. The doctor tried to swim ashore but was eaten by the sharks. The
7066 lawyer, however, swam safely past the bloodthirsty sharks. "Professional
7067 courtesy," he explained.
7069 A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of.
7072 A dozen, a gross, and a score,
7073 Plus three times the square root of four,
7075 Plus five times eleven,
7076 Equals nine squared plus zero, no more.
7078 A drama critic is a person who surprises a playwright by informing him
7082 A dream will always triumph over reality, once it is given the chance.
7085 A Dublin lawyer died in poverty and many barristers of the city subscribed to
7086 a fund for his funeral. The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to donate
7087 a shilling. "Only a shilling?" exclaimed the man. "Only a shilling to bury
7088 an attorney? Here's a guinea; go and bury twenty of them."
7090 A fail-safe circuit will destroy others.
7093 A failure will not appear until a unit has passed final inspection.
7095 A fair exterior is a silent recommendation.
7098 A fake fortuneteller can be tolerated. But an authentic soothsayer
7099 should be shot on sight. Cassandra did not get half the kicking around
7101 -- Robert A. Heinlein
7103 A famous Lisp Hacker noticed an Undergraduate sitting in front of a
7104 Xerox 1108, trying to edit a complex Klone network via a browser.
7105 Wanting to help, the Hacker clicked one of the nodes in the network
7106 with the mouse, and asked "what do you see?" Very earnestly, the
7107 Undergraduate replied "I see a cursor." The Hacker then quickly
7108 pressed the boot toggle at the back of the keyboard, while
7109 simultaneously hitting the Undergraduate over the head with a thick
7110 Interlisp Manual. The Undergraduate was then Enlightened.
7112 A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the
7114 -- Winston Churchill
7116 A farmer is a man outstanding in his field.
7118 A feed salesman is on his way to a farm. As he's driving along at forty
7119 m.p.h., he looks out his car window and sees a three-legged chicken running
7120 alongside him, keeping pace with his car. He is amazed that a chicken is
7121 running at forty m.p.h. So he speeds up to forty-five, fifty, then sixty
7122 m.p.h. The chicken keeps right up with him the whole way, then suddenly
7123 takes off and disappears into the distance.
7124 The man pulls into the farmyard and says to the farmer, "You know,
7125 the strangest thing just happened to me; I was driving along at at least
7126 sixty miles an hour and a chicken passed me like I was standing still!"
7127 "Yeah," the farmer replies, "that chicken was ours. You see, there's
7128 me, and there's Ma, and there's our son Billy. Whenever we had chicken for
7129 dinner, we would all want a drumstick, so we'd have to kill two chickens.
7130 So we decided to try and breed a three-legged chicken so each of us could
7132 "How do they taste?" said the farmer.
7133 "Don't know," replied the farmer. "We haven't been able to catch
7136 A fellow bought a new car, a Nissan, and was quite happy with his purchase.
7137 He was something of an animist, however, and felt that the car really ought
7138 to have a name. This presented a problem, as he was not sure if the name
7139 should be masculine or feminine.
7140 After considerable thought, he settled on naming the car either
7141 Belchazar or Beaumadine, but remained in a quandry about the final choice.
7142 "Is a Nissan male or female?" he began asking his friends. Most of
7143 them looked at him peculiarly, mumbled things about urgent appointments, and
7144 went on their way rather quickly.
7145 He finally broached the question to a lady he knew who held a black
7146 belt in judo. She thought for a moment and answered "Feminine."
7147 The swiftness of her response puzzled him. "You're sure of that?" he
7149 "Certainly," she replied. "They wouldn't sell very well if they were
7151 "Unhhh... Well, why not?"
7152 "Because people want a car with a reputation for going when you want
7153 it to. And, if Nissan's are female, it's like they say... `Each Nissan, she
7156 [No, we WON'T explain it; go ask someone who practices an oriental
7157 martial art. (Tai Chi Chuan probably doesn't count.) Ed.]
7159 A few hours grace before the madness begins again.
7161 A figure with curves always offers a lot of interesting angles.
7163 A fisherman from Maine went to Alabama on his vacation. He rented a boat,
7164 rowed out to the middle of the lake, and cast his line, but when he looked
7165 down into the water he was horrified to see a man wrapped in chains lying
7166 on the bottom of the lake. He quickly rowed to shore and ran to the police
7167 station. "Sheriff, sheriff," he gasped, there's a guy wrapped in chains,
7168 drowned in the lake!"
7169 "Now ain't that jest like a Yankee," drawled the sheriff, "to steal
7170 more chain than he can swim with?"
7172 A fitter fits; Though sinners sin
7173 A cutter cuts; And thinners thin
7174 And an aircraft spotter spots; And paper-blotters blot
7175 A baby-sitter I've never yet
7176 Baby-sits -- Had letters let
7177 But an otter never ots. Or seen an otter ot.
7180 (Or scatters scats);
7181 A potting shed's for potting;
7184 Or caught an otter otting.
7187 A flashy Mercedes-Benz roared up to the curb where a cute young miss stood
7189 "Hi," said the gentleman at the wheel. "I'm going west."
7190 "How wonderful," came the cool reply. "Bring me back an orange."
7192 A fool and his honey are soon parted.
7194 A fool and his money are soon popular.
7196 A fool and your money are soon partners.
7198 A fool is a man who worries about whether or not his lover has integrity.
7199 A wise man, on the other hand, busies himself with deeper attributes.
7201 A fool must now and then be right by chance.
7203 A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds.
7204 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
7206 A fool-proof method for sculpting an elephant: first, get a huge block
7207 of marble; then you chip away everything that doesn't look like an
7210 A fool's brain digests philosophy into folly, science into
7211 superstition, and art into pedantry. Hence University education.
7212 -- George Bernard Shaw
7214 A formal parsing algorithm should not always be used.
7217 A Fortran compiler is the hobgoblin of little minis.
7219 A fox is wolf who sends flowers.
7222 "A fractal is by definition a set for which the Hausdorff Besicovitch
7223 dimension strictly exceeds the topological dimension."
7224 -- Mandelbrot, "The Fractal Geometry of Nature"
7226 A free society is one where it is safe to be unpopular.
7229 A freelancer is one who gets paid by the word -- per piece or perhaps.
7232 A friend in need is a pest indeed.
7234 A friend is a present you give yourself.
7235 -- Robert Louis Stevenson
7237 A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go.
7238 You'll just be walking down the street and... Ooohh, that's much better.
7241 A friend of mine won't get a divorce, because he hates
7242 lawyers more than he hates his wife.
7244 A full belly makes a dull brain.
7245 -- Benjamin Franklin
7247 [and the local candy machine man. Ed]
7249 A "full" life in my experience is usually full only of other
7252 A furore Normanorum libera nos, O Domine!
7254 A Galileo could no more be elected president of the United States than
7255 he could be elected Pope of Rome. Both high posts are reserved for men
7256 favored by God with an extraordinary genius for swathing the bitter
7257 facts of life in bandages of self-illusion.
7260 A gambler's biggest thrill is winning a bet.
7261 His next biggest thrill is losing a bet.
7263 A gangster assembled an engineer, a chemist, and a physicist. He explained
7264 that he was entering a horse in a race the following week and the three
7265 assembled guys had the job of assuring that the gangster's horse would win.
7266 They were to reconvene the day before the race to tell the gangster how they
7267 each propose to ensure a win. When they reconvened the gangster started with
7270 Gangster: OK, Mr. engineer, what have you got?
7271 Engineer: Well, I've invented a way to weave metallic threads into the saddle
7272 blanket so that they will act as the plates of a battery and provide
7273 electrical shock to the horse.
7274 G: That's very good! But let's hear from the chemist.
7275 Chemist: I've synthesized a powerful stimulant that dissolves
7276 into simple blood sugars after ten minutes and therefore
7277 cannot be detected in post-race tests.
7278 G: Excellent, excellent! But I want to hear from the physicist before
7279 I decide what to do. Physicist?
7281 Physicist: Well, first consider a spherical horse in simple harmonic motion...
7283 A general leading the State Department resembles a dragon commanding
7285 -- New York Times, Jan. 20, 1981
7287 A gentleman is a man who wouldn't hit a lady with his hat on.
7289 [ And why not? For why does she have his hat on? Ed.]
7291 A gentleman never strikes a lady with his hat on.
7294 A gift of a flower will soon be made to you.
7296 A girl and a boy bump into each other -- surely an accident.
7297 A girl and a boy bump and her handkerchief drops -- surely another accident.
7298 But when a girl gives a boy a dead squid -- *_
\b_
\b_
\b_
\bthat _
\b_
\b_
\bhad _
\b_
\bto _
\b_
\b_
\b_
\bmean _
\b_
\b_
\b_
\b_
\b_
\b_
\b_
\b_
\bsomething*.
7299 -- S. Morgenstern, "The Silent Gondoliers"
7301 A girl with a future avoids the man with a past.
7302 -- Evan Esar, "The Humor of Humor"
7304 A girl's best friend is her mutter.
7307 A girl's conscience doesn't really keep her from doing anything wrong--
7308 it merely keeps her from enjoying it.
7310 A gleekzorp without a tornpee is like a quop without a fertsneet (sort
7313 A [golf] ball hitting a tree shall be deemed not to have hit the tree.
7314 Hitting a tree is simply bad luck and has no place in a scientific
7315 game. The player should estimate the distance the ball would have
7316 traveled if it had not hit the tree and play the ball from there,
7317 preferably atop a nice firm tuft of grass.
7320 A [golf] ball sliced or hooked into the rough shall be lifted and
7321 placed in the fairway at a point equal to the distance it carried or
7322 rolled into the rough. Such veering right or left frequently results
7323 from friction between the face of the club and the cover of the ball
7324 and the player should not be penalized for the erratic behavior of the
7325 ball resulting from such uncontrollable physical phenomena.
7328 A good man always knows his limitations.
7331 A good marriage would be between a blind wife and deaf husband.
7332 -- Michel de Montaigne
7334 A good memory does not equal pale ink.
7336 A good name lost is seldom regained. When character is gone,
7337 all is gone, and one of the richest jewels of life is lost forever.
7340 A good plan today is better than a perfect plan tomorrow.
7343 A good programmer is someone who looks both ways before crossing a
7347 A good question is never answered. It is not a bolt to be tightened
7348 into place but a seed to be planted and to bear more seed toward the
7349 hope of greening the landscape of idea.
7352 A good reputation is more valuable than money.
7355 A good scapegoat is hard to find.
7357 A good supervisor can step on your toes without messing up your shine.
7359 A good sysadmin always carries around a few feet of fiber. If he ever
7360 gets lost, he simply drops the fiber on the ground, waits ten minutes,
7361 then asks the backhoe operator for directions.
7362 -- Bill Bradford <mrbill@mrbill.net>
7364 A GOOD WAY TO THREATEN somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you
7365 call the guy and hold the burning fuse to the phone. "Hear that?" you say.
7366 "That's dynamite, baby."
7367 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican", 1988.
7369 A gossip is one who talks to you about others, a bore is one who talks to
7370 you about himself; and a brilliant conversationalist is one who talks to
7374 A gourmet restaurant in Cincinnati is one where you leave the tray on
7375 the table after you eat.
7377 A gourmet who thinks of calories is like a tart that looks at her watch.
7380 A government that is big enough to give you all you want is big enough
7381 to take it all away.
7384 A grammarian's life is always intense.
7386 A great empire, like a great cake, is most easily diminished at the edges.
7387 -- Benjamin Franklin
7389 A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely
7390 rearranging their prejudices.
7393 A great nation is any mob of people which produces at least one honest
7396 A green hunting cap squeezed the top of the fleshy balloon of a head. The
7397 green earflaps, full of large ears and uncut hair and the fine bristles that
7398 grew in the ears themselves, stuck out on either side like turn signals
7399 indicating two directions at once. Full, pursed lips protruded beneath the
7400 bushy black moustache and, at their corners, sank into little folds filled
7401 with disapproval and potato chip crumbs. In the shadow under the green visor
7402 of the cap Ignatius J. Reilly's supercilious blue and yellow eyes looked down
7403 upon the other people waiting under the clock at the D. H. Holmes department
7404 store, studying the crowd of people for signs of bad taste in dress. Several
7405 of the outfits, Ignatius noticed, were new enough and expensive enough to be
7406 properly considered offenses against taste and decency. Possession of
7407 anything new or expensive only reflected a person's lack of theology and
7408 geometry; it could even cast doubts upon one's soul.
7409 -- John Kennedy Toole, "Confederacy of Dunces"
7411 A group of politicians deciding to dump a President because his morals
7412 are bad is like the Mafia getting together to bump off the Godfather for
7413 not going to church on Sunday.
7416 A guilty conscience is the mother of invention.
7419 A guy has to get fresh once in a while
7420 so a girl doesn't lose her confidence.
7422 A hacker does for love what others would not do for money.
7425 Is nerve-wracking and dangerous.
7426 To retain people as men -- and maidservants
7427 Brings good fortune.
7429 A hammer sometimes misses its mark - a bouquet never.
7431 A handful of friends is worth more than a wagon of gold.
7433 A handful of patience is worth more than a bushel of brains.
7435 A healthy male adult bore consumes each year one and a half times his own
7436 weight in other people's patience.
7439 A help wanted add for a photo journalist asked the rhetorical question:
7441 If you found yourself in a situation where you could either save
7442 a drowning man, or you could take a Pulitzer prize winning
7443 photograph of him drowning, what shutter speed and setting would
7448 A Hen Brooding Kittens
7449 A friend informs us that he saw at the Novato ranch, Marin county,
7450 a few days since, a hen actually brooding and otherwise caring for three
7451 kittens! The gentleman upon whose premises this strange event is transpiring
7452 says the hen adopted the kittens when they were but a few days old, and that
7453 she has devoted them her undivided care for several weeks past. The young
7454 felines are now of respectable size, but they nevertheless follow the hen at
7455 her cluckings, and are regularly brooded at night beneath her wings.
7456 -- Sacramento Daily Union, July 2, 1861
7458 A hermit is a deserter from the army of humanity.
7460 A holding company is a thing where you hand
7461 an accomplice the goods while the policeman searches you.
7463 A Hollywood producer calls a friend, another producer on the phone.
7464 "Hello?" his friend answers.
7465 "Hi!" says the man. "This is Bob, how are you doing?"
7466 "Oh," says the friend, "I'm doing great! I just sold a screenplay
7467 for two hundred thousand dollars. I've started a novel adaptation and the
7468 studio advanced me fifty thousand dollars on it. I also have a television
7469 series coming on next week, and everyone says it's going to be a big hit!
7470 I'm doing *great*! How are you?"
7471 "Okay," says the producer, "give me a call when he leaves."
7473 A homeowner's reach should exceed his grasp, or what's a weekend for?
7475 "A horrible little boy came up to me and said, `You know in your book
7476 The Martian Chronicles?' I said, `Yes?' He said, `You know where you
7477 talk about Deimos rising in the East?' I said, `Yes?' He said `No.'
7479 -- attributed to Ray Bradbury
7481 A horse! A horse! My kingdom for a horse!
7482 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
7484 A hundred thousand lemmings can't be wrong!
7486 A hundred years from now it is very likely that [of Twain's works] "The
7487 Jumping Frog" alone will be remembered.
7488 -- Harry Thurston Peck (Editor of "The Bookman"), January 1901.
7490 A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.
7493 A hypocrite is a person who ... but who isn't?
7496 A hypothetical paradox:
7497 What would happen in a battle between an Enterprise security
7498 team, who always get killed soon after appearing, and a squad of
7499 Imperial Stormtroopers, who can't hit the broad side of a planet?
7502 A is for AMY who fell down the stairs, B is for BASIL assaulted by bears.
7503 C is for CLARA who wasted away, D is for DESMOND thrown out of a sleigh.
7504 E is for ERNEST who choked on a peach, F is for FANNY sucked dry by a leech.
7505 G is for GEORGE smothered under a rug, H is for HECTOR done in by a thug.
7506 I is for IDA who drowned in a lake, J is for JAMES who took lye by mistake.
7507 K is for KATE who was struck with an axe, L is for LEO who swallowed some tacks.
7508 M is for MAUD who was swept out to sea, N is for NEVILLE who died of ennui.
7509 O is for OLIVE run through with an awl, P is for PRUE trampled flat in a brawl.
7510 Q is for QUENTIN who sank in a mire, R is for RHODA consumed by a fire.
7511 S is for SUSAN who perished of fits, T is for TITUS who flew into bits.
7512 U is for UNA who slipped down a drain, V is for VICTOR squashed under a train.
7513 W is for WINNIE embedded in ice, X is for XERXES devoured by mice.
7514 Y is for YORICK whose head was knocked in, Z is for ZILLAH who drank too much gin.
7515 -- Edward Gorey, "The Gashlycrumb Tinies"
7520 A is for awk, which runs like a snail, and
7521 B is for biff, which reads all your mail.
7522 C is for cc, as hackers recall, while
7523 D is for dd, the command that does all.
7524 E is for emacs, which rebinds your keys, and
7525 F is for fsck, which rebuilds your trees.
7526 G is for grep, a clever detective, while
7527 H is for halt, which may seem defective.
7528 I is for indent, which rarely amuses, and
7529 J is for join, which nobody uses.
7530 K is for kill, which makes you the boss, while
7531 L is for lex, which is missing from DOS.
7532 M is for more, from which less was begot, and
7533 N is for nice, which it really is not.
7534 O is for od, which prints out things nice, while
7535 P is for passwd, which reads in strings twice.
7536 Q is for quota, a Berkeley-type fable, and
7537 R is for ranlib, for sorting ar table.
7538 S is for spell, which attempts to belittle, while
7539 T is for true, which does very little.
7540 U is for uniq, which is used after sort, and
7541 V is for vi, which is hard to abort.
7542 W is for whoami, which tells you your name, while
7543 X is, well, X, of dubious fame.
7544 Y is for yes, which makes an impression, and
7545 Z is for zcat, which handles compression.
7546 -- THE ABC'S OF UNIX
7548 A joint is just tea for two.
7550 A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance from Sam.
7552 A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step.
7555 A journey of a thousand miles starts under one's feet.
7558 A jug of wine, a bowl of rice with it;
7560 Simply handed in through the window.
7561 There is certainly no blame in this.
7563 A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer.
7566 A key to the understanding of all religions is that a God's idea of a
7567 good time is a game of Snakes and Ladders with greased rungs.
7569 A kid'll eat the middle of an Oreo, eventually.
7571 A kind of Batman of contemporary letters.
7572 -- Philip Larkin on Anthony Burgess
7574 A king's castle is his home.
7576 A kiss is a course of procedure, cunningly devised,
7577 for the mutual stoppage of speech at a moment when
7578 words are superfluous.
7580 A lack of leadership is no substitute for inaction.
7582 A lady is one who never shows her underwear unintentionally.
7585 A lady with one of her ears applied
7586 To an open keyhole heard, inside,
7587 Two female gossips in converse free --
7588 The subject engaging them was she.
7589 "I think", said one, "and my husband thinks
7590 That she's a prying, inquisitive minx!"
7591 As soon as no more of it she could hear
7592 The lady, indignant, removed her ear.
7593 "I will not stay," she said with a pout,
7594 "To hear my character lied about!"
7597 A language that doesn't affect the way you
7598 think about programming is not worth knowing.
7601 A language that doesn't have everything is
7602 actually easier to program in than some that do.
7603 -- Dennis M. Ritchie
7605 A lanky Texan was mad because Texas had just become the second largest state in
7606 the Union, so he made up his mind to move to Alaska. He drove for three days
7607 and three nights to get there and finally he came to what looked like the state
7608 line. He halted his car and walked up to the border guard. "Hi, there! How
7609 do I become a resident of this here biggest state?" demanded the Texan.
7610 The guard looked him up and down and grinned. "Waal," he answered,
7611 there are three things you gotta do to get in. First, drink down a quart of
7612 110 proof corn liquor without blinkin'. Second, kill a grizzly bear, and
7613 third, make love to an Eskimo woman."
7614 "Sounds easy enough," said the Texan. "Where can I get a quart of
7615 this here corn liquor?"
7616 "Got one right here," replied the guard.
7617 The Texan gulped down the whiskey without batting an eyelash.
7618 "Now, do you happen to know where I can find me a grizzly?"
7619 "Yep," answered the guard, "there's a big b'ar over that way, 'bout
7620 a mile... lives in a cave on that cliff."
7621 The Texan lurched merrily off. About an hour later he returned
7622 with his clothes almost torn off and his face scratched and bloody. He was
7623 smiling happily. "Now," he roared, "where's that damn Eskimo woman you
7626 A large number of installed systems work by fiat.
7627 That is, they work by being declared to work.
7630 A large spider in an old house built a beautiful web in which to catch flies.
7631 Every time a fly landed on the web and was entangled in it the spider devoured
7632 him, so that when another fly came along he would think the web was a safe and
7633 quiet place in which to rest. One day a fairly intelligent fly buzzed around
7634 above the web so long without lighting that the spider appeared and said,
7635 "Come on down." But the fly was too clever for him and said, "I never light
7636 where I don't see other flies and I don't see any other flies in your house."
7637 So he flew away until he came to a place where there were a great many other
7638 flies. He was about to settle down among them when a bee buzzed up and said,
7639 "Hold it, stupid, that's flypaper. All those flies are trapped." "Don't be
7640 silly," said the fly, "they're dancing." So he settled down and became stuck
7641 to the flypaper with all the other flies.
7643 Moral: There is no safety in numbers, or in anything else.
7644 -- James Thurber, "The Fairly Intelligent Fly"
7646 A Law of Computer Programming:
7647 Make it possible for programmers to write in English and you
7648 will find that programmers cannot write in English.
7650 A liberal is a man too broadminded to take his own side in a quarrel.
7653 A liberal is a person whose interests aren't at stake at the moment.
7656 A liberal is someone too poor to be a
7657 capitalist, and too rich to be a communist.
7659 A lie in time saves nine.
7661 A lie is an abomination unto the Lord and a very present help in time of
7665 A life spent in search of the perfect hash brownie is a life well spent.
7667 A lifetime isn't nearly long enough to figure out what it's all about.
7669 A light wife doth make a heavy husband.
7670 -- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"
7672 A likely impossibility is always preferable to an unconvincing possibility.
7675 A limerick packs laughs anatomical
7676 Into space that is quite economical.
7677 But the good ones I've seen
7678 So seldom are clean,
7679 And the clean ones so seldom are comical.
7681 A LISP programmer knows the value of everything,
7682 but the cost of nothing.
7685 A list is only as strong as its weakest link.
7688 A little experience often upsets a lot of theory.
7690 A little inaccuracy saves a world of explanation.
7693 A little inaccuracy sometimes saves tons of explanation.
7694 -- H. H. Munroe a.k.a. Saki, "The Square Egg" (1924)
7696 A little kid went up to Santa and asked him, "Santa, you know when I'm bad
7697 right?" And Santa says, "Yes, I do." The little kid then asks, "And you
7698 know when I'm sleeping?" To which Santa replies, "Every minute." So the
7699 little kid then says, "Well, if you know when I'm bad and when I'm good,
7700 then how come you don't know what I want for Christmas?"
7702 A little retrospection shows that although many fine, useful software systems
7703 have been designed by committees and built as part of multipart projects,
7704 those software systems that have excited passionate fans are those that are
7705 the products of one or a few designing minds, great designers. Consider Unix,
7706 APL, Pascal, Modula, the Smalltalk interface, even Fortran; and contrast them
7707 with Cobol, PL/I, Algol, MVS/370, and MS-DOS.
7710 A little word of doubtful number,
7711 A foe to rest and peaceful slumber.
7712 If you add an "s" to this,
7713 Great is the metamorphosis.
7714 Plural is plural now no more,
7715 And sweet what bitter was before.
7718 A log may float in a river, but that does not make it a crocodile.
7720 A long memory is the most subversive idea in America.
7722 A long-forgotten loved one will appear soon. Buy the negatives at any
7725 A Los Angeles judge ruled that "a citizen may snore with immunity in
7726 his own home, even though he may be in possession of unusual and
7727 exceptional ability in that particular field."
7729 A lost ounce of gold may be found, a lost moment of time never.
7731 A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me. I'm afraid of widths.
7734 A lot of people I know believe in positive thinking,
7735 and so do I. I believe everything positively stinks.
7738 A lover without indiscretion is no lover at all.
7741 A major, with wonderful force,
7742 Called out in Hyde Park for a horse.
7743 All the flowers looked round,
7744 But no horse could be found;
7745 So he just rhododendron, of course.
7747 A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who has never owned a car.
7750 A man always needs to remember one thing about
7751 a beautiful woman. Somewhere, somebody's tired of her.
7753 A man always remembers his first love with special
7754 tenderness, but after that begins to bunch them.
7757 A man arrived home early to find his wife in the arms of his best friend,
7758 who swore how much they were in love. To quiet the enraged husband, the
7759 lover suggested, "Friends shouldn't fight, let's play gin rummy. If I win,
7760 you get a divorce so I can marry her. If you win, I promise never to see
7762 "Alright," agreed the husband. "But how about a quarter a point
7763 on the side to make it interesting?"
7765 A man can have two, maybe three love affairs while he's married. After
7769 A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen
7770 or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.
7773 A man does not look behind the door unless he has stood there himself.
7776 A man fell off a mountain and, as he fell, saw a branch and grabbed for it.
7777 By superhuman effort he was able to get a precarious grip on it. As he
7778 was hanging there for dear life, he looked up and cried out,
7780 A deep majestic voice answered,
7781 "Yes my son, I am here. What do you need?"
7782 "Help me!!" cried the man.
7783 "I will help you", said the voice, "Just let go of the branch and
7784 you'll be safe. All you have to do is trust."
7785 The man thought for a moment and cried out:
7786 "Anybody ELSE up there?"
7788 A man gazing at the stars is proverbially at the mercy of the puddles
7792 A man goes into a bar and begins to tell a Polish joke. The man sitting
7793 next to him, a big hulking powerhouse, turns and says menacingly, "*I'm*
7795 He then calls out, "Ivan! Come over here and bring your brother."
7796 Two men, bigger than the first, appear from the back room.
7797 "Josef!" the man calls out, "come here a second, and bring Lendl
7798 with you." Two more men appear, and all five men crowd around the man with
7800 "Now," says the first Polish man, "do you want to finish that joke?"
7801 "Nah," says the man.
7802 "Oh, no? And why not? I'm sure it was very funny," says the Polish
7803 man, opening and closing his fist. "Are you scared?"
7804 "No," replies the man. "I just don't feel like having to explain it
7807 A man in love is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.
7808 -- Zsa Zsa Gabor, "Newsweek"
7810 A man is already halfway in love with any woman who listens to him.
7813 A man is crawling through the Sahara desert when he is approached by another
7814 man riding on a camel. When the rider gets close enough, the crawling man
7815 whispers through his sun-parched lips, "Water... please... can you give...
7817 "I'm sorry," replies the man on the camel, "I don't have any water
7818 with me. But I'd be delighted to sell you a necktie."
7819 "Tie?" whispers the man. "I need *water*."
7820 "They're only four dollars apiece."
7822 "Okay, okay, say two for seven dollars."
7823 "Please! I need *water*!", says the man.
7824 "I don't have any water, all I have are ties," replies the salesman,
7825 and he heads off into the distance.
7826 The man, losing track of time, crawls for what seems like days.
7827 Finally, nearly dead, sun-blind and with his skin peeling and blistering, he
7828 sees a restaurant in the distance. Summoning the last of his strength he
7829 staggers up to the door and confronts the head waiter.
7830 "Water... can I get... water," the dying man manages to stammer.
7831 "I'm sorry, sir, ties required."
7833 A man is known by the company he organizes.
7836 A man is like a rusty wheel on a rusty cart,
7837 He sings his song as he rattles along and then he falls apart.
7840 A man is only as old as the woman he feels.
7843 A man is walking along when he sees a funeral procession going by, the
7844 longest procession he's ever seen. It seems to consist of the hearse,
7845 followed by a man with a Doberman on a leash, followed by several hundred
7846 other men. After watching for a few minutes, he can restrain his curiosity
7847 no longer, and walks up to one of the mourners.
7848 "Excuse me, sir, I don't mean to bother you in your moment of grief,
7849 but this is the strangest procession I've ever seen. What happened, who is
7851 "Well, it's nothing special, really, the funeral is for the mother-
7852 in-law of the man at the front of the procession. You see, his Doberman
7853 attacked and killed her."
7854 "That's awful!", replies the onlooker. "But... um... tell me, you
7855 don't think he'd let me borrow that dog, do you?"
7856 "Get in line, buddy," replies the mourner, "get in line."
7858 A man is walking down the street when he sees a man with four arms, and
7859 antennae coming out of his head. He goes up to him and says, "You're not
7860 from around here, are you?"
7861 "No," replies the man with the antennae.
7862 "You know," continues the man, "I don't think you're an American,
7863 either. In fact, I bet you don't even come from this planet!"
7864 "Right again," says the man with four arms. "I'm from Mars."
7865 "Well," says the man, "that's quite some configuration you've got
7866 there, with those four arms and those antennae and everything."
7867 "We Martians all have four arms and antennae."
7868 "Well, that's just amazing," replies the man, "and how about that
7869 big gold colored plate in the middle of your chest, what's that, do all
7870 Martians have that?"
7871 "Well, no," says the Martian. "Not the *goyim*."
7873 A man marries to have a home, but also because he doesn't want to be
7874 bothered with sex and all that sort of thing.
7875 -- W. Somerset Maugham, "The Circle"
7877 A man may be so much of everything that he is nothing of anything.
7880 A man may sometimes be forgiven the kiss to which he is not entitled,
7881 but never the kiss he has not the initiative to claim.
7883 A man may well bring a horse to the water,
7884 but he cannot make him drink with he will.
7887 A man of genius makes no mistakes.
7888 His errors are volitional and are the portals of discovery.
7889 -- James Joyce, "Ulysses"
7891 A man paints with his brains and not with his hands.
7893 A man said to the Universe:
7895 "However," replied the Universe,
7896 "the fact has not created in me a sense of obligation."
7899 A man took his wife deer hunting for the first time. After he'd given her
7900 some basic instructions, they agreed to separate and rendezvous later. Before
7901 he left, he warned her if she should fell a deer to be wary of hunters who
7902 might beat her to the carcass and claim the kill. If that happened, he told
7903 her, she should fire her gun three times into the air and he would come to
7905 Shortly after they separated, he heard a single shot, followed quickly
7906 by the agreed upon signal. Running to the scene, he found his wife standing
7907 in a small clearing with a very nervous man staring down her gun barrel.
7908 "He claims this is his," she said, obviously very upset.
7909 "She can keep it, she can keep it!" the wide-eyed man replied. "I
7910 just want to get my saddle back!"
7912 A man usually falls in love with a woman who asks the kinds of questions
7913 he is able to answer.
7916 A man was griping to his friend about how he hated to go home after a
7918 "You wouldn't believe what I go through to avoid waking my wife,"
7919 he said. "First, I kill the engine a block away from the house and coast
7920 into the garage. Then I open the door slowly, take off my shoes, and
7921 tiptoe to our room. But just as I'm about to slide into bed, she always
7922 wakes up and gives me hell."
7923 "I make a big racket when I go home," his friend replied.
7925 "Sure. I honk the horn, slam the door, turn on all the lights,
7926 stomp up to the bedroom and give my wife a big kiss. `Hi, Alice,' I say.
7927 `How about a little smooch for your old man?'"
7928 "And what does she say?" his friend asked in disbelief.
7929 "She doesn't say anything," his buddy replied. "She always pretends
7932 A man was kneeling by a grave in a cemetery, crying and praying very loudly,
7933 "Oh why..eeeee did you die...eeeeee, Oh Why..eeeeee,
7934 why did you Di......eeee"
7935 The caretaker walks up, pardons himself and asks politely,
7936 "Excuse me, sir, but I've been seeing you for hours now,
7937 carrying on at this grave. You must have been very close to the deceased."
7938 "No, I never met him. Oh why....eeeee did you dieeeeee,
7939 why....eeeee did you.."
7940 "Sir, you say you never met this person, yet you carry on so?
7941 Tell, me who is buried here?"
7942 "My wife's first husband."
7944 A man who cannot seduce men cannot save them either.
7945 -- S. A. Kierkegaard
7947 A man who carries a cat by its tail learns something he can learn
7950 A man who fishes for marlin in ponds
7951 will put his money in Etruscan bonds.
7953 A man who likes to lie in bed can usually
7954 find a girl willing to listen to him.
7956 A man who turns green has eschewed protein.
7958 A man with 3 wings and a dictionary is cousin to the turkey.
7960 A man with one watch knows what time it is.
7961 A man with two watches is never quite sure.
7963 A man without a God is like a fish without a bicycle.
7965 A man without a woman is like a fish without gills.
7967 A man without a woman is like a statue without pigeons.
7969 A man would still do something out of sheer perversity - he would create
7970 destruction and chaos - just to gain his point... and if all this could in
7971 turn be analyzed and prevented by predicting that it would occur, then man
7972 would deliberately go mad to prove his point.
7973 -- Feodor Dostoevsky, "Notes From the Underground"
7975 A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small package.
7977 A man's best friend is his dogma.
7979 A man's gotta know his limitations.
7980 -- Clint Eastwood, "Dirty Harry"
7982 A man's house is his castle.
7985 A man's house is his hassle.
7987 A master was asked the question, "What is the Way?" by a curious monk.
7988 "It is right before your eyes," said the master.
7989 "Why do I not see it for myself?"
7990 "Because you are thinking of yourself."
7991 "What about you: do you see it?"
7992 "So long as you see double, saying `I don't', and `you do', and so
7993 on, your eyes are clouded," said the master.
7994 "When there is neither `I' nor `You', can one see it?"
7995 "When there is neither `I' nor `You',
7996 who is the one that wants to see it?"
7998 A mathematician, a doctor, and an engineer are walking on the beach and
7999 observe a team of lifeguards pumping the stomach of a drowned woman. As
8000 they watch, water, sand, snails and such come out of the pump.
8001 The doctor watches for a while and says: "Keep pumping, men, you may
8003 The mathematician does some calculations and says: "According to my
8004 understanding of the size of that pump, you have already pumped more water
8005 from her body than could be contained in a cylinder 4 feet in diameter and
8007 The engineer says: "I think she's sitting in a puddle."
8009 A mathematician is a device for converting coffee into theorems.
8012 A meeting is an event at which the
8013 minutes are kept and the hours are lost.
8015 A memorandum is written not to inform the reader,
8016 but to protect the writer.
8019 A method of solution is perfect if we can foresee from the start,
8020 and even prove, that following that method we shall attain our aim.
8021 -- Gottfried Wilhelm Leibniz
8023 A Mexican newspaper reports that bored Royal Air Force pilots stationed
8024 on the Falkland Islands have devised what they consider a marvelous new
8025 game. Noting that the local penguins are fascinated by airplanes, the
8026 pilots search out a beach where the birds are gathered and fly slowly
8027 along it at the water's edge. Perhaps ten thousand penguins turn their
8028 heads in unison watching the planes go by, and when the pilots turn
8029 around and fly back, the birds turn their heads in the opposite
8030 direction, like spectators at a slow-motion tennis match. Then, the
8031 paper reports, "The pilots fly out to sea and directly to the penguin
8032 colony and overfly it. Heads go up, up, up, and ten thousand penguins
8033 fall over gently onto their backs.
8034 -- Audubon Society Magazine
8036 [From the BBC, 2001-02-02:
8037 For five weeks, a team from the British Antarctic Survey (BAS)
8038 monitored 1,000 king penguins on the island of South Georgia as Lynx
8039 helicopters passed overhead.
8040 "Not one king penguin fell over when the helicopters came over,"
8041 said team leader Dr. Richard Stone.
8042 "As the aircraft approached, the birds went quiet and stopped
8043 calling to each other, and adolescent birds that were not associated
8044 with nests began walking away from the noise. Pure animal instinct,
8046 The conclusion, said Dr. Stone, is that flights over 305 metres
8047 (1,000 feet) caused "only minor and transitory ecological effects" on
8050 A mighty creature is the germ,
8051 Though smaller than the pachyderm.
8052 His customary dwelling place
8053 Is deep within the human race.
8054 His childish pride he often pleases
8055 By giving people strange diseases.
8056 Do you, my poppet, feel infirm?
8057 You probably contain a germ.
8060 A mind is a wonderful thing to waste.
8062 A modem is a baudy house.
8064 A modest woman, dressed out in all her finery,
8065 is the most tremendous object in the whole creation.
8068 A mother mouse was taking her large brood for a stroll across the kitchen
8069 floor one day when the local cat, by a feat of stealth unusual even for
8070 its species, managed to trap them in a corner. The children cowered,
8071 terrified by this fearsome beast, plaintively crying, "Help, Mother!
8072 Save us! Save us! We're scared, Mother!"
8073 Mother Mouse, with the hopeless valor of a parent protecting its
8074 children, turned with her teeth bared to the cat, towering huge above them,
8075 and suddenly began to bark in a fashion that would have done any Doberman
8076 proud. The startled cat fled in fear for its life.
8077 As her grateful offspring flocked around her shouting "Oh, Mother,
8078 you saved us!" and "Yay! You scared the cat away!" she turned to them
8079 purposefully and declared, "You see how useful it is to know a second
8082 A mother takes twenty years to make a man of her boy,
8083 and another woman makes a fool of him in twenty minutes.
8086 A motion to adjourn is always in order.
8088 A mouse is an elephant built by the Japanese.
8090 A mushroom cloud has no silver lining.
8092 A musician, an artist, an architect:
8093 the man or woman who is not one of these is not a Christian.
8096 A myth is a religion in which no-one any longer believes.
8097 -- James Feibleman, "Understanding Philosophy"
8099 A narcissist is someone better looking than you are.
8102 A nasty looking dwarf throws a knife at you.
8104 A national debt, if it is not excessive,
8105 will be to us a national blessing.
8106 -- Alexander Hamilton
8108 A neighbor came to Nasrudin, asking to borrow his donkey. "It is out
8109 on loan," the teacher replied. At that moment, the donkey brayed
8110 loudly inside the stable. "But I can hear it bray, over there." "Whom
8111 do you believe," asked Nasrudin, "me or a donkey?"
8113 A new 'chutist had just jumped from the plane at 10,000 feet, and soon
8114 discovered that all his lines were hopelessly tangled. At about 5,000 feet,
8115 still struggling, he noticed someone coming up from the ground at about the
8116 same speed as he was going towards the ground. As they passed each other at
8117 3,000 feet, the 'chutist yells, "HEY! DO YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT PARACHUTES?"
8118 The reply came, fading towards the end, "NO! DO YOU KNOW ANYTHING
8119 ABOUT COLEMAN STOVES?"
8121 A new dramatist of the absurd
8122 Has a voice that will shortly be heard.
8123 I learn from my spies
8124 He's about to devise
8125 An unprintable three-letter word.
8128 If you have some ice cream, I will give it to you.
8129 If you have no ice cream, I will take it away from you.
8130 It is an ice cream koan.
8132 A new supply of round tuits has arrived and are available from Mary.
8133 Anyone who has been putting off work until they got a `round tuit'
8134 now has no excuse for further procrastination.
8136 A new taste had been acquired and a new appetite began to grow. The time
8137 had long since arrived to crush the technical intelligentsia, which had
8138 come to regard itself as too irreplaceable and had not gotten used to
8139 catching instructions on the wing. In other words, we never did trust
8140 the engineers - and from the very first years of the Revolution we saw to
8141 it that those lackeys and servants of former capitalist bosses were kept
8142 in line by healthy suspicion and surveillance by the workers.
8143 -- Aleksandr I. Solzhenitsyn, "The Gulag Archipelago"
8145 A New Way of Taking Pills
8146 A physician one night in Wisconsin being disturbed by a burglar, and
8147 having no ball or shot for his pistol, noiselessly loaded the weapon with
8148 small, hard pills, and gave the intruder a "prescription" which he thinks
8149 will go far towards curing the rascal of a very bad ailment.
8150 -- Nevada Morning Transcript, January 30, 1861
8152 A New York City judge ruled that if two women behind you at the movies
8153 insist on discussing the probable outcome of the film, you have the
8154 right to turn around and blow a Bronx cheer at them.
8156 A New York City ordinance prohibits the shooting of rabbits from the
8157 rear of a Third Avenue street car -- if the car is in motion.
8159 A New Yorker is riding down the road in his new Mercedes. So intent is he
8160 on the cocaine in his hand he completely misses a turn and his car plunges
8161 over the five-hundred-foot cliff to be smashed into pieces at the bottom.
8162 As the on-lookers rush to the edge of the cliff they see him fifty feet
8163 from the top of the cliff clinging to a stunted bush with all his strength.
8164 "Dear Lord," he prays, "I never asked you for nothin' before, but I'm askin'
8165 you now: Save me, Lord, save me."
8166 Booms the Lord: "LET GO OF THE BRANCH."
8167 "But Lord, if I do that, I'll fall!"
8168 "TRUST ME, LET GO OF THE BRANCH."
8169 "But Lord, I'm gonna fall and die..."
8170 "TRUST ME TO SAVE YOU. LET GO OF THE BRANCH."
8171 Okay, Lord, I'll trust you, here I... here I go!" And he falls
8175 A New Yorker was driving through Berkeley when he saw a big crowd gathered
8176 by the side of the street. Curiosity got the better of him and he leaned
8177 out of his window to ask an onlooker what was going on. The fellow explained
8178 that a protestor against the U.S. position in South America had doused
8179 himself with gasoline and set himself on fire. "That's terrible," gasped
8180 the man. "But why is everyone still standing around?"
8181 "Well, they're taking up a collection for his wife and kids," the
8182 onlooker explained. "Would you be willing to help?"
8183 "Well, sure," replied the New Yorker. "I suppose I could spare a
8186 A newspaper is a circulating library with high blood pressure.
8187 -- Arthure "Bugs" Baer
8189 A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore.
8192 A "No" uttered from deepest conviction is better and greater than a
8193 "Yes" merely uttered to please, or what is worse, to avoid trouble.
8196 A novice asked the Master: "Here is a programmer that never designs,
8197 documents or tests his programs. Yet all who know him consider him
8198 one of the bests programmer in the world. Why is this?"
8199 The Master replies: "That programmer has mastered the Tao. He has
8200 gone beyond the need for design; he does not become angry when the system
8201 crashes, but accepts the universe without concern. He has gone beyond the
8202 need for documentation; he no longer cares if anyone else sees his code.
8203 He has gone beyond the need for testing; each of his programs are perfect
8204 within themselves, serene and elegant, their purpose self-evident. Truly,
8205 he has entered the mystery of Tao."
8207 A novice of the temple once approached the Chief Priest with a question.
8209 "Master, does Emacs have the Buddha nature?" the novice asked.
8211 The Chief Priest had been in the temple for many years and could be
8212 relied upon to know these things. He thought for several minutes
8215 "I don't see why not. It's got bloody well everything else."
8217 With that, the Chief Priest went to lunch. The novice suddenly achieved
8218 enlightenment, several years later.
8223 Answering his FAQ quickly,
8224 With thought and sarcasm.
8226 A novice was trying to fix a broken Lisp machine by turning the power
8227 off and on. Knight, seeing what the student was doing spoke sternly:
8228 "You can not fix a machine by just power-cycling it with no
8229 understanding of what is going wrong." Knight turned the machine off
8230 and on. The machine worked.
8232 A nuclear war can ruin your whole day.
8234 A pain in the ass of major dimensions.
8235 -- C. A. Desoer, on the solution of non-linear circuits
8237 A Parable of Modern Research:
8239 Bob has lost his keys in a room which is dark except for one
8240 brightly lit corner.
8241 "Why are you looking under the light, you lost them in the dark!"
8242 "I can only see here."
8244 A paranoid is a man who knows a little of what's going on.
8245 -- William S. Burroughs
8247 A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the pants.
8249 A pedestal is as much a prison as any small, confined space.
8252 A pencil with no point needs no eraser.
8254 "A penny for your thoughts?"
8255 "A dollar for your death."
8258 A penny saved has not been spent.
8260 A penny saved is a penny taxed.
8262 A penny saved is ridiculous.
8264 A penny saved kills your career in government.
8266 A people living under the perpetual menace of war and invasion is very easy to
8267 govern. It demands no social reforms. It does not haggle over expenditures
8268 on armaments and military equipment. It pays without discussion, it ruins
8269 itself, and that is an excellent thing for the syndicates of financiers and
8270 manufacturers for whom patriotic terrors are an abundant source of gain.
8273 A perfectly honest woman, a woman who never flatters, who never manages,
8274 who never cajoles, who never conceals, who never uses her eyes, who never
8275 speculates on the effect which she produces, who never is conscious of
8276 unspoken admiration, what a monster, I say, would such a female be!
8279 A person forgives only when they are in the wrong.
8281 A person is just about as big as the things that make them angry.
8283 A person who has nothing looks at all there is and wants something.
8284 A person who has something looks at all there is and wants all the rest.
8286 A person who is more than casually interested in computers should be well
8287 schooled in machine language, since it is a fundamental part of a computer.
8290 A pessimist is a man who has been compelled to live with an optimist.
8293 A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.
8296 A pickup with three guys in it pulls into the lumber yard. One of the men
8297 gets out and goes into the office.
8298 "I need some four-by-two's," he says.
8299 "You must mean two-by-four's" replies the clerk.
8300 The man scratches his head. "Wait a minute," he says, "I'll go
8302 Back, after an animated conversation with the other occupants of the
8303 truck, he reassures the clerk, that, yes, in fact, two-by-fours would be
8305 "OK," says the clerk, writing it down, "how long you want 'em?"
8306 The guy gets the blank look again. "Uh... I guess I better go
8308 He goes back out to the truck, and there's another animated
8309 conversation. The guy comes back into the office. "A long time," he says,
8310 "we're building a house".
8312 A pig is a jolly companion,
8313 Boar, sow, barrow, or gilt --
8314 A pig is a pal, who'll boost your morale,
8315 Though mountains may topple and tilt.
8316 When they've blackballed, bamboozled, and burned you,
8317 When they've turned on you, Tory and Whig,
8318 Though you may be thrown over by Tabby and Rover,
8319 You'll never go wrong with a pig, a pig,
8320 You'll never go wrong with a pig!
8321 -- Thomas Pynchon, "Gravity's Rainbow"
8323 A pipe gives a wise man time to think
8324 and a fool something to stick in his mouth.
8326 A place for everything and everything in its place.
8327 -- Isabella Mary Beeton, "The Book of Household Management"
8329 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
8330 referring to memory management system services.]
8332 A platitude is simply a truth repeated till people get tired of hearing it.
8335 A plethora of individuals with expertise in culinary techniques
8336 contaminate the potable concoction produced by steeping certain
8339 A plucked goose doesn't lay golden eggs.
8341 A poet who reads his verse in public may have other nasty habits.
8343 A Polish worker walks into a bank to deposit his paycheck. He has heard
8344 about Poland's economic problems, and he asks what would happen to his
8345 money if the bank collapsed. "All of our deposits are guaranteed by the
8346 finance ministry, sir," the teller replies.
8347 "But what if the finance ministry goes broke?" the worker asks.
8348 "Then the government will intercede to protect the working class,"
8350 "But what if the government goes broke?" the worker asks.
8351 "Our socialist comrades in the Soviet Union naturally will come
8352 to our assistance," the teller responds with growing irritation.
8353 "And if the Soviet Union goes broke?" the worker asks.
8354 "Idiot!" the teller snorts. "Isn't that worth losing one lousy
8356 -- Making the rounds in Warsaw, 1984
8358 A political man can have as his aim the realization of freedom,
8359 but he has no means to realize it other than through violence.
8362 A possum must be himself, and being himself he is honest.
8365 A pound of salt will not sweeten a single cup of tea.
8367 A power so great, it can only be used for Good or Evil!
8368 -- The Firesign Theatre, "The Giant Rat of Sumatra"
8370 A "practical joker" deserves applause for his wit according to its quality.
8371 Bastinado is about right. For exceptional wit one might grant keelhauling.
8372 But staking him out on an anthill should be reserved for the very wittiest.
8375 A prediction is worth twenty explanations.
8378 A pretty foot is one of the greatest gifts of nature... please send me your
8379 last pair of shoes, already worn out in dancing... so I can have something
8380 of yours to press against my heart.
8381 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
8383 A pretty woman can do anything; an ugly woman must do everything.
8385 A priest advised Voltaire on his death bed to renounce the devil.
8386 Replied Voltaire, "This is no time to make new enemies."
8388 A priest asked: What is Fate, Master?
8390 And the Master answered:
8391 It is that which gives a beast of burden its reason for existence.
8392 It is that which men in former times had to bear upon their backs.
8393 It is that which has caused nations to build byways from City to
8394 City upon which carts and coaches pass, and alongside which inns have come
8395 to be built to stave off Hunger, Thirst and Weariness.
8397 And that is Fate? said the priest.
8399 Fate ... I thought you said Freight, responded the Master.
8401 That's all right, said the priest. I wanted to know
8402 what Freight was too.
8403 -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
8405 A prig is a fellow who is always making you a present of his opinions.
8408 A prisoner of war is a man who tries to kill you and fails, and then
8409 asks you not to kill him.
8410 -- Sir Winston Churchill, 1952
8412 A private sin is not so prejudicial in the world as a public indecency.
8413 -- Miguel de Cervantes
8415 A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
8417 A programmer is a person who passes as an exacting expert on the basis
8418 of being able to turn out, after innumerable punching, an infinite
8419 series of incomprehensive answers calculated with micrometric
8420 precisions from vague assumptions based on debatable figures taken from
8421 inconclusive documents and carried out on instruments of problematical
8422 accuracy by persons of dubious reliability and questionable mentality
8423 for the avowed purpose of annoying and confounding a hopelessly
8424 defenseless department that was unfortunate enough to ask for the
8425 information in the first place.
8426 -- IEEE Grid news magazine
8428 A programming language is low level
8429 when its programs require attention to the irrelevant.
8431 A prohibitionist is the sort of man one wouldn't care to
8432 drink with -- even if he drank.
8435 A prominent broadcaster, on a big-game safari in Africa, was taken to a
8436 watering hole where the life of the jungle could be observed. As he
8437 looked down from his tree platform and described the scene into his
8438 tape recorder, he saw two gnus grazing peacefully. So preoccupied were
8439 they that they failed to observe the approach of a pride of lions led
8440 by two magnificent specimens, obviously the leaders. The lions charged,
8441 killed the gnus, and dragged them into the bushes where their feasting
8442 could not be seen. A little while later the two kings of the jungle
8443 emerged and the radioman recorded on his tape: "Well, that's the end of
8444 the gnus and here, once again, are the head lions."
8446 A promiscuous person is usually someone who is
8447 getting more sex than you are.
8450 A proper wife should be as obedient as a slave... The female is a female
8451 by virtue of a certain lack of qualities -- a natural defectiveness.
8454 A psychiatrist is a fellow who asks you a lot of expensive questions
8455 your wife asks you for nothing.
8458 A psychiatrist is a person who will give you expensive answers that
8459 your wife will give you for free.
8461 A public debt is a kind of anchor in the storm; but if the anchor be
8462 too heavy for the vessel, she will be sunk by that very weight which
8463 was intended for her preservation.
8466 A putt that stops close enough to the cup to inspire such comments as
8467 "you could blow it in" may be blown in. This rule does not apply if
8468 the ball is more than three inches from the hole, because no one wants
8469 to make a travesty of the game.
8472 A rabbi and a priest are sitting together on a train, and the rabbi leans
8473 over and asks, "So, how high can you advance in your organization?"
8474 The priest replies, "Well, if I am lucky, I guess I could become a
8476 "Well, could you get any higher than that?"
8477 "I suppose that if my works are seen in a very good light that I
8478 might be made an Archbishop."
8479 "Is there any way that you might go higher than that?"
8480 "If all the Saints should smile, I guess I could be made a Cardinal."
8481 "Could you be anything higher than a Cardinal?"
8482 Hesitating a little bit, the priest said, "I suppose that I could
8483 be elected Pope, but only if it's God's will."
8484 "And could you be anything higher than that, is there any way to go
8485 up from being the Pope?"
8486 "What?! I should be the Messiah himself?!"
8487 The rabbi leaned back and smiled. "One of our boys made it."
8489 A raccoon tangled with a 23,000 volt line today. The results
8490 blacked out 1400 homes and, of course, one raccoon.
8493 A racially integrated community is a chronological term timed from the
8494 entrance of the first black family to the exit of the last white family.
8497 A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives.
8499 A reading from the Book of Armaments, Chapter 4, Verses 16 to 20:
8501 Then did he raise on high the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch, saying,
8502 "Bless this, O Lord, that with it thou mayst blow thine enemies to tiny
8503 bits, in thy mercy." And the people did rejoice and did feast upon the
8504 lambs and toads and tree-sloths and fruit-bats and orangutans and
8505 breakfast cereals ... Now did the Lord say, "First thou pullest the
8506 Holy Pin. Then thou must count to three. Three shall be the number of
8507 the counting and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt
8508 thou not count, neither shalt thou count two, excepting that thou then
8509 proceedeth to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being
8510 the number of the counting, be reached, then lobbest thou the Holy Hand
8511 Grenade in the direction of thine foe, who, being naughty in my sight,
8513 -- Monty Python, "Monty Python and the Holy Grail"
8515 A real diplomat is one who can cut his neighbor's throat without having
8516 his neighbor notice it.
8519 A real estate agent, looking over a farmer's house for possible sale,
8520 commented to the farmer how sturdy the house looked.
8521 The farmer replied, "Yep, built it with my bare hands... did it
8522 the hard way. The steps to the front door, here, carved 'em out of
8523 field stones... did it the hard way. That hardwood floor in the living
8524 room, dovetailed the pieces myself... did it the hard way. The ceiling
8525 beams, made 'em out of my own oak trees... did it the hard way."
8526 Just then, the farmer's gorgeous daughter walked in. The farmer
8527 looks over at the real estate agent who is trying not to stare too
8528 obviously and smiles. "Yep... standing up in a canoe."
8530 A real friend isn't someone you use once and then throw away.
8531 A real friend is someone you can use over and over again.
8533 A real gentleman never takes bases unless he really has to.
8534 -- Overheard in an algebra lecture
8536 A real patriot is the fellow who gets a parking ticket and rejoices
8537 that the system works.
8539 A real person has two reasons for doing anything ... a good reason and
8542 A recent study has found that concentrating on difficult off-screen
8543 objects, such as the faces of loved ones, causes eye strain in computer
8544 scientists. Researchers into the phenomenon cite the added
8545 concentration needed to "make sense" of such unnatural three
8546 dimensional objects ...
8548 A rich man told me recently that a liberal is a man who tells other
8549 people what to do with their money.
8550 -- Imamu Amiri Baraka (Leroi Jones)
8552 A right is not what someone gives you; it's what no one can take from you.
8555 A Riverside, California, health ordinance states that two persons may
8556 not kiss each other without first wiping their lips with carbolized
8559 A robin redbreast in a cage
8560 Puts all Heaven in a rage.
8563 A rock pile ceases to be a rock pile the moment a single man
8564 contemplates it, bearing within him the image of a cathedral.
8565 -- Antoine de Saint-Exupery
8567 A rolling disk gathers no MOS.
8569 A rolling stone gathers momentum.
8571 A rolling stone gathers no moss.
8574 A Roman divorced from his wife, being highly blamed by his friends, who
8575 demanded, "Was she not chaste? Was she not fair? Was she not fruitful?"
8576 holding out his shoe, asked them whether it was not new and well made.
8577 Yet, added he, none of you can tell where it pinches me.
8580 A rope lying over the top of a fence is the same length on each side. It
8581 weighs one third of a pound per foot. On one end hangs a monkey holding a
8582 banana, and on the other end a weight equal to the weight of the monkey.
8583 The banana weighs two ounces per inch. The rope is as long (in feet) as
8584 the age of the monkey (in years), and the weight of the monkey (in ounces)
8585 is the same as the age of the monkey's mother. The combined age of the
8586 monkey and its mother is thirty years. One half of the weight of the monkey,
8587 plus the weight of the banana, is one forth as much as the weight of the
8588 weight and the weight of the rope. The monkey's mother is half as old as
8589 the monkey will be when it is three times as old as its mother was when she
8590 was half as old as the monkey will be when it is as old as its mother
8591 will be when she is four times as old as the monkey was when it was twice
8592 as its mother was when she was one third as old as the monkey was when it
8593 was old as is mother was when she was three times as old as the monkey was
8594 when it was one fourth as old as it is now. How long is the banana?
8596 A rose is a rose is a rose. Just ask Jean Marsh, known to millions of
8597 PBS viewers in the '70s as Rose, the maid on the BBC export "Upstairs,
8598 Downstairs." Though Marsh has since gone on to other projects, ... it's
8599 with Rose she's forever identified. So much so that she even likes to
8600 joke about having one named after her, a distinction not without its
8601 drawbacks. "I was very flattered when I heard about it, but when I looked
8602 up the official description, it said, `Jean Marsh: pale peach, not very
8603 good in beds; better up against a wall.' I want to tell you that's not
8604 true. I'm very good in beds as well."
8606 A sad spectacle. If they be inhabited, what a scope for misery and folly.
8607 If they be not inhabited, what a waste of space.
8608 -- Thomas Carlyle, looking at the stars
8610 A sadist is a masochist who follows the Golden Rule.
8612 A salamander scurries into flame to be destroyed.
8613 Imaginary creatures are trapped in birth on celluloid.
8614 -- Genesis, "The Lamb Lies Down on Broadway"
8616 I don't know what it's about. I'm just the drummer. Ask Peter.
8617 -- Phil Collins in 1975, when asked about the message behind
8618 the previous year's Genesis release, "The Lamb Lies Down
8621 A Scholar asked his Master, "Master, would you advise me of a proper
8623 The Master replied, "Some men can earn their keep with the power of
8624 their minds. Others must use their strong backs, legs and hands. This is
8625 the same in nature as it is with man. Some animals acquire their food easily,
8626 such as rabbits, hogs and goats. Other animals must fiercely struggle for
8627 their sustenance, like beavers, moles and ants. So you see, the nature of
8628 the vocation must fit the individual.
8629 "But I have no abilities, desires, or imagination, Master," the
8631 Queried the Master... "Have you thought of becoming a salesperson?"
8633 A scientific truth does not triumph by convincing its opponents and
8634 making them see the light, but rather because its opponents eventually
8635 die and a new generation grows up that is familiar with it.
8638 A sect or party is an elegant incognito devised to save a man from
8639 the vexation of thinking.
8640 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson, Journals, 1831
8642 A sense of desolation and uncertainty, of futility, of the baselessness
8643 of aspirations, of the vanity of endeavor, and a thirst for a life giving
8644 water which seems suddenly to have failed, are the signs in consciousness
8645 of this necessary reorganization of our lives.
8647 It is difficult to believe that this state of mind can be produced by the
8648 recognition of such facts as that unsupported stones always fall to the
8650 -- J. W. N. Sullivan
8652 A sense of humor keen enough to show a man his own absurdities will
8653 keep him from the commission of all sins, or nearly all, save those
8654 that are worth committing.
8657 A sequel is an admission that you've been reduced to imitating yourself.
8660 A sharper perspective on this matter is particularly important to feminist
8661 thought today, because a major tendency in feminism has constructed the
8662 problem of domination as a drama of female vulnerability victimized by male
8663 aggression. Even the more sophisticated feminist thinkers frequently shy
8664 away from the analysis of submission, for fear that in admitting woman's
8665 participation in the relationship of domination, the onus of responsibility
8666 will appear to shift from men to women, and the moral victory from women to
8667 men. More generally, this has been a weakness of radical politics: to
8668 idealize the oppressed, as if their politics and culture were untouched by
8669 the system of domination, as if people did not participate in their own
8670 submission. To reduce domination to a simple relation of doer and done-to
8671 is to substitute moral outrage for analysis.
8672 -- Jessica Benjamin, "The Bonds of Love"
8674 A shortcut is the longest distance between two points.
8676 A sine curve goes off to infinity, or at least the end of the blackboard.
8679 A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.
8682 A single flow'r he sent me, since we met.
8683 All tenderly his messenger he chose;
8684 Deep-hearted, pure, with scented dew still wet--
8687 I knew the language of the floweret;
8688 "My fragile leaves," it said, "his heart enclose."
8689 Love long has taken for his amulet
8692 Why is it no one ever sent me yet
8693 One perfect limousine, do you suppose?
8694 Ah no, it's always just my luck to get
8696 -- Dorothy Parker, "One Perfect Rose"
8698 A sinking ship gathers no moss.
8701 A small town that cannot support one lawyer can always support two.
8703 A Smith & Wesson beats four aces.
8705 A snake lurks in the grass.
8706 -- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil)
8708 A social scientist, studying the culture and traditions of a small North
8709 African tribe, found a woman still practicing the ancient art of matchmaking.
8710 Locally, she was known as the Moor, the marrier.
8712 A society in which women are taught anything but the management of a family,
8713 the care of men, and the creation of the future generation is a society
8714 which is on its way out.
8717 A soft answer turneth away wrath; but grievous words stir up anger.
8720 A soft drink turneth away company.
8722 A solemn, unsmiling, sanctimonious old iceberg
8723 that looked like he was waiting for a vacancy in the Trinity.
8726 A song in time is worth a dime.
8728 A Southern boy graduates from high school heads north to college, taking the
8729 family dog, Old Blue with him, for company. He's only been there a few weeks
8730 when he gets a call from his girlfriend; seems like they've got a problem,
8731 and she needs a thousand dollars to take care of it. The boy calls his folks:
8732 "How are you?" they ask.
8733 "Oh, I'm fine," he says.
8734 "And how," they ask, "is Old Blue?"
8735 "Well, he's kind of depressed. You see, there's this lady up here
8736 that teaches dogs to talk, and Ol' Blue is feelin' kind of left out 'cause
8737 he's the only dog that doesn't know how to talk. She charges a thousand
8739 The parents send the boy the thousand dollars, he forwards it to Mary
8740 Lou, and everything's fine until Christmas vacation. The boy leaves Ol' Blue
8741 at his dorm, 'cause he just can't figure out what to tell his parents. Sure
8742 enough, when he gets home, the first thing his father wants to know is
8744 "Well, Pa," says the boy. "I was driving on home and Old Blue was
8745 talking away about this and that when we passed the Buford's farm. Old Blue,
8746 well, he said, `Say, what do you think your mother would do if I told her
8747 that your father's been comin' over here and seeing Mrs. Buford all these
8749 The father looks at his son -- "You shot that dog, didn't you, boy?"
8751 A squeegee by any other name wouldn't sound as funny.
8753 A statesman is a politician who's been dead 10 or 15 years.
8756 A statistician, who refused to fly after reading of the alarmingly high
8757 probability that there will be a bomb on any given plane, realized that
8758 the probability of there being two bombs on any given flight is very low.
8759 Now, whenever he flies, he carries a bomb with him.
8761 A stitch in time saves nine.
8763 "...A strange enigma is man!"
8764 "Someone calls him a soul concealed in an animal," I suggested.
8765 "Winwood Reade is good upon the subject," said Holmes. "He remarked
8766 that, while the individual man is an insoluble puzzle, in the aggregate he
8767 becomes a mathematical certainty. You can, for example, never foretell what
8768 any one man will do, but you can say with precision what an average number
8769 will be up to. Individuals vary, but percentages remain constant. So says
8771 -- Sherlock Holmes, "The Sign of Four"
8773 A straw vote only shows which way the hot air blows.
8776 A strong conviction that something must be done is the parent of many
8780 A student, in hopes of understanding the Lambda-nature, came to
8781 Greenblatt. As they spoke a Multics system hacker walked by. "Is it
8782 true," asked the student, "that PL-1 has many of the same data types as
8783 Lisp?" Almost before the student had finished his question, Greenblatt
8784 shouted, "FOO!", and hit the student with a stick.
8786 A student who changes the course of history is probably taking an exam.
8788 A stunning blonde, but probably all bean dip above the eyebrows.
8790 A successful [software] tool is one that was used to do something
8791 undreamed of by its author.
8794 A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the word you first
8798 A system admin's life is a sorry one. The only advantage he has over
8799 Emergency Room doctors is that malpractice suits are rare. On the
8800 other hand, ER doctors never have to deal with patients installing
8801 new versions of their own innards!
8804 A Tale of Two Cities LITE(tm)
8805 -- by Charles Dickens
8807 A lawyer who looks like a French Nobleman is executed in his place.
8809 The Metamorphosis LITE(tm)
8812 A man turns into a bug and his family gets annoyed.
8814 Lord of the Rings LITE(tm)
8815 -- by J. R. R. Tolkien
8817 Some guys take a long vacation to throw a ring into a volcano.
8820 -- by William Shakespeare
8822 A college student on vacation with family problems, a screwy
8823 girl-friend and a mother who won't act her age.
8825 A Tale of Two Cities LITE(tm)
8826 -- by Charles Dickens
8828 A man in love with a girl who loves another man who looks just
8829 like him has his head chopped off in France because of a mean
8832 Crime and Punishment LITE(tm)
8833 -- by Fyodor Dostoyevsky
8835 A man sends a nasty letter to a pawnbroker, but later
8836 feels guilty and apologizes.
8838 The Odyssey LITE(tm)
8841 After working late, a valiant warrior gets lost on his way home.
8843 A tall, dark stranger will have more fun than you.
8845 A tautology is a thing which is tautological.
8847 A team effort is a lot of people doing what I say.
8848 -- Michael Winner, British film director
8850 A Texan, impressing the hell out of a Bostonian with tales about the heroes
8851 of the Alamo, commented, "I'll bet you never had anyone that brave around
8853 "Ever hear of Paul Revere?", snarled the Bostonian.
8854 "Paul Revere?", pondered the Texan. "Isn't he the guy who ran for
8857 A thing is not necessarily true because a man dies for it.
8858 -- Oscar Wilde, "The Portrait of Mr. W. H."
8860 A timely marriage: one made before your children start nagging you about it.
8863 A total abstainer is one who abstains from everything but abstention,
8864 and especially from inactivity in the affairs of others.
8865 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
8867 A total abstainer is one who abstains from everything
8868 but abstention, and especially from inactivity in the affairs of others.
8871 A transistor protected by a fast-acting fuse will protect the fuse by
8874 A traveling salesman was driving past a farm when he saw a pig with three
8875 wooden legs executing a magnificent series of backflips and cartwheels.
8876 Intrigued, he drove up to the farmhouse, where he found an old farmer
8877 sitting in the yard watching the pig.
8878 "That's quite a pig you have there, sir" said the salesman.
8879 "Sure is, son," the farmer replied. "Why, two years ago, my daughter
8880 was swimming in the lake and bumped her head and damned near drowned, but that
8881 pig swam out and dragged her back to shore."
8882 "Amazing!" the salesman exclaimed.
8883 "And that's not the only thing. Last fall I was cuttin' wood up on
8884 the north forty when a tree fell on me. Pinned me to the ground, it did.
8885 That pig run up and wiggled underneath that tree and lifted it off of me.
8887 "Fantastic! the salesman said. But tell me, how come the pig has
8889 The farmer stared at the newcomer in amazement. "Mister, when you
8890 got an amazin' pig like that, you don't eat him all at once."
8892 A triangle which has an angle of 135 degrees is called an obscene
8895 A true artist will let his wife starve, his children go barefoot, his mother
8896 drudge for his living at seventy, sooner than work at anything but his art.
8899 A truly great man will neither trample on a worm nor sneak to an emperor.
8900 -- Benjamin Franklin
8902 A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
8904 A truly wise woman never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
8906 A truth that's told with bad intent
8907 Beats all the lies you can invent.
8910 A university is what a college becomes
8911 when the faculty loses interest in students.
8914 A University without students is like an ointment without a fly.
8915 -- Ed Nather, professor of astronomy at UT Austin
8917 A UNIX saleslady, Lenore,
8918 Enjoys work, but she likes the beach more.
8919 She found a good way
8920 To combine work and play:
8921 She sells C shells by the seashore.
8923 A vacuum is a hell of a lot better than some of the stuff that nature
8925 -- Tennessee Williams
8927 A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on.
8930 A very intelligent turtle
8931 Found programming UNIX a hurdle
8932 The system, you see,
8933 Ran as slow as did he,
8934 And that's not saying much for the turtle.
8936 A violent man will die a violent death.
8939 A visit to a fresh place will bring strange work.
8941 A visit to a strange place will bring fresh work.
8943 A vivid and creative mind characterizes you.
8945 A waist is a terrible thing to mind.
8948 A watched clock never boils.
8950 A well adjusted person is one who makes the same mistake twice without
8953 A well-known friend is a treasure.
8955 A well-used door needs no oil on its hinges.
8956 A swift-flowing steam does no grow stagnant.
8957 Neither sound nor thoughts can travel through a vacuum.
8958 Software rots if not used.
8960 These are great mysteries.
8961 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
8963 A widow is more sought after than an old maid of the same age.
8966 A wife lasts only for the length of the marriage, but an ex-wife is there
8967 *for the rest of your life*.
8970 A wise man can see more from a mountain top
8971 than a fool can from the bottom of a well.
8973 A wise man can see more from the bottom
8974 of a well than a fool can from a mountain top.
8976 A wise person makes his own decisions, a weak one obeys public opinion.
8979 A witty saying proves nothing.
8982 A witty saying proves nothing, but saying something pointless gets
8985 A wizard cannot do everything; a fact most magicians are reticent to
8986 admit, let alone discuss with prospective clients. Still, the fact
8987 remains that there are certain objects, and people, that are, for one
8988 reason or another, completely immune to any direct magical spell. It
8989 is for this group of beings that the magician learns the subtleties of
8990 using indirect spells. It also does no harm, in dealing with these
8991 matters, to carry a large club near your person at all times.
8992 -- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Volume VIII
8994 A woman can look both moral and exciting -- if she also looks as if it
8995 were quite a struggle.
8998 A woman can never be too rich or too thin.
9000 A woman did what a woman had to, the best way she knew how.
9001 To do more was impossible, to do less, unthinkable.
9002 -- Dirisha, "The Man Who Never Missed"
9004 A woman employs sincerity only when every other form of deception has failed.
9007 A woman, especially if she have the misfortune
9008 of knowing anything, should conceal it as well as she can.
9011 A woman forgives the audacity of which
9012 her beauty has prompted us to be guilty.
9015 A woman has got to love a bad man once or twice in her life to be
9016 thankful for a good one.
9017 -- Marjorie Kinnan Rawlings
9019 A woman is like your shadow; follow her, she flies; fly from her,
9023 A woman is like your shadow; follow her,
9024 she flies; fly from her, she follows.
9027 A woman may very well form a friendship with a man, but for this to
9028 endure, it must be assisted by a little physical antipathy.
9029 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
9031 A woman of generous character will sacrifice her life a thousand times
9032 over for her lover, but will break with him for ever over a question of
9033 pride -- for the opening or the shutting of a door.
9036 A woman physician has made the statement that smoking is neither
9037 physically defective nor morally degrading, and that nicotine, even
9038 when indulged to in excess, is less harmful than excessive petting."
9039 -- Purdue Exponent, Jan 16, 1925
9041 A woman shouldn't have to buy her own perfume.
9044 A woman went into a hospital one day to give birth. Afterwards, the doctor
9045 came to her and said, "I have some... odd news for you."
9046 "Is my baby all right?" the woman anxiously asked.
9047 "Yes, he is," the doctor replied, "but we don't know how. Your son
9048 (we assume) was born with no body. He only has a head."
9049 Well, the doctor was correct. The Head was alive and well, though no
9050 one knew how. The Head turned out to be fairly normal, ignoring his lack of
9051 a body, and lived for some time as typical a life as could be expected under
9053 One day, about twenty years after the fateful birth, the woman got a
9054 phone call from another doctor. The doctor said, "I have recently perfected
9055 an operation. Your son can live a normal life now: we can graft a body onto
9057 The woman, practically weeping with joy, thanked the doctor and hung
9058 up. She ran up the stairs saying, "Johnny, Johnny, I have a *wonderful*
9060 "Oh no," cried The Head, "not another HAT!"
9062 A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.
9065 A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.
9066 Therefore, a man without a woman is like a bicycle without a fish.
9068 A woman's best protection is a little money of her own.
9069 -- Clare Booth Luce, quoted in "The Wit of Women"
9071 A woman's place is in the house... and in the Senate.
9073 A word to the wise is enough.
9074 -- Miguel de Cervantes
9076 A would-be disciple came to Nasrudin's hut on the mountain-side. Knowing
9077 that every action of such an enlightened one is significant, the seeker
9078 watched the teacher closely. "Why do you blow on your hands?" "To warm
9079 myself in the cold." Later, Nasrudin poured bowls of hot soup for himself
9080 and the newcomer, and blew on his own. "Why are you doing that, Master?"
9081 "To cool the soup." Unable to trust a man who uses the same process
9082 to arrive at two different results -- hot and cold -- the disciple departed.
9084 A writer is congenitally unable to tell the truth and that is why we call
9085 what he writes fiction.
9088 A yawn is a silent shout.
9091 A year spent in artificial intelligence is enough to make one believe
9094 A young girl once committed suicide because her mother refused her a new
9095 bonnet. Coroner's verdict: "Death from excessive spunk."
9096 -- Sacramento Daily Union, September 13, 1860
9098 A young man and his girlfriend were walking along Main Street when she spotted
9099 a beautiful diamond ring in a jewelry-store window. "Wow, I'd sure love to
9100 have that!" she gushed.
9101 "No problem," her companion replied, throwing a brick through the
9102 window and grabbing the ring.
9103 A few blocks later, the woman admired a full-length sable coat. "What
9104 I'd give to own that," she said, sighing.
9105 "No problem," he said, throwing a brick through the window and grabbing
9107 Finally, turning for home, they passed a car dealership. "Boy, I'd do
9108 anything for one of those Rolls-Royces," she said.
9109 "Jeez, baby," the guy moaned, "you think I'm made of bricks?"
9111 A young man enters the New York branch of Tiffany's on a Friday evening and
9112 walks up to a display case full of pearl necklaces. He turns to a gorgeous
9113 woman, who is obviously windowshopping, looks her straight in the eye and
9114 says, "I can tell by your eyes that you really want that necklace. If you'll
9115 allow me, I'd like to buy it for you."
9116 The woman looks him up and down; he's wearing a nice suit and some
9117 pretty nice jewelry, but she has trouble believing this story.
9118 "Look, this is some kind of put on, right?"
9119 "No, really. You see, I've got quite a lot of money -- so much that
9120 I could never spend it all. I'd really like for you to have it."
9121 The guys whips out his checkbook, writes a check for five figures,
9122 calls over a clerk and hands it to him. The clerk peers at the check, looks
9123 at the young man, looks at the check again. "Very good, sir. I'm afraid I
9124 can't release the necklace immediately, would Monday be all right?"
9125 "That'll be fine, she'll pick it up." the man replies, and walks out
9126 of the store with the woman following him in a daze.
9127 The next Monday the man comes back in and walks up to the counter.
9128 The same clerk hurries over to him and says, "Sir, I'm sorry to have to tell
9129 you this, but your check was returned for insufficient funds."
9130 "I know," the man replies. "I just wanted to thank you for a
9133 A young man wrote to Mozart and said:
9135 Q: "Herr Mozart, I am thinking of writing symphonies. Can you give me any
9136 suggestions as to how to get started?"
9137 A: "A symphony is a very complex musical form, perhaps you should begin with
9138 some simple lieder and work your way up to a symphony."
9139 Q: "But Herr Mozart, you were writing symphonies when you were 8 years old."
9140 A: "But I never asked anybody how."
9143 An organization for drunks who drive.
9145 \a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\aAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaccccccccckkkkkk!!!!!!!!!
\a
9146 You brute! Knock before entering a ladies room!
9148 Abandon the search for Truth; settle for a good fantasy.
9150 Abbott's Admonitions:
9151 1: If you have to ask, you're not entitled to know.
9152 2: If you don't like the answer, you shouldn't have asked
9154 -- Charles Abbot, dean, University of Virginia
9156 Aberdeen was so small that when the family with the car went
9157 on vacation, the gas station and drive-in theatre had to close.
9159 Abou Ben Adhem (may his tribe increase!)
9160 Awoke one night from a deep dream of peace,
9161 And saw, within the moonlight in his room,
9162 Making it rich, and like a lily in bloom,
9163 An angel writing in a book of gold.
9164 Exceeding peace had made Ben Adhem bold,
9165 And to the presence in the room he said,
9166 "What writest thou?" The vision raised its head,
9167 And with a look made of all sweet accord,
9168 Answered, "The names of those who love the Lord."
9169 "And is mine one?" said Abou. "Nay not so,"
9170 Replied the angel. Abou spoke more low,
9171 But cheerly still; and said, "I pray thee then,
9172 Write me as one that loves his fellow-men."
9173 The angel wrote, and vanished. The next night
9174 It came again with a great wakening light,
9175 And showed the names whom love of God had blessed,
9176 And lo! Ben Adhem's name led all the rest.
9177 -- James Henry Leigh Hunt, "Abou Ben Adhem"
9179 About all some men accomplish in life is to send a son to Harvard.
9181 About the only thing on a farm that has an easy time is the dog.
9183 About the only thing we have left that actually
9184 discriminates in favor of the plain people is the stork.
9186 About the time we think we can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends.
9189 About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt
9190 ax. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead.
9191 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
9193 Above all else - sky.
9195 Above all things, reverence yourself.
9197 Abraham Lincoln didn't die in vain. He died in Washington, D.C.
9200 To be unexpectedly called away to the bedside of a dying relative
9201 and miss the return train.
9203 Absence diminishes mediocre passions and increases
9204 great ones, as the wind blows out candles and fans fires.
9207 Absence in love is like water upon fire;
9208 a little quickens, but much extinguishes it.
9211 Absence is to love what wind is to fire. It extinguishes the small,
9212 it enkindles the great.
9214 Absence makes the heart forget.
9216 Absence makes the heart go wander.
9218 Absence makes the heart grow fonder.
9221 Absence makes the heart grow fonder -- of somebody else.
9223 Absence makes the heart grow frantic.
9226 Exposed to the attacks of friends and acquaintances; defamed;
9230 A person with an income who has had the forethought to remove
9231 himself from the sphere of exaction.
9232 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
9234 Absolutum obsoletum. (If it works, it's out of date.)
9238 A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a
9240 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
9243 This study examined the incidence of neckwear tightness among a group
9244 of 94 white-collar working men and the effect of a tight business-shirt collar
9245 and tie on the visual performance of 22 male subjects. Of the white-collar
9246 men measured, 67% were found to be wearing neckwear that was tighter than
9247 their neck circumference. The visual discrimination of the 22 subjects was
9248 evaluated using a critical flicker frequency (CFF) test. Results of the CFF
9249 test indicated that tight neckwear significantly decreased the visual
9250 performance of the subjects and that visual performance did not improve
9251 immediately when tight neckwear was removed.
9252 -- Langan, L. M. and Watkins, S. M. "Pressure of Menswear on the
9253 Neck in Relation to Visual Performance." Human Factors 29,
9254 #1 (Feb. 1987), pp. 67-71.
9257 A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own
9259 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
9261 Academic politics is the most vicious and bitter form of politics,
9262 because the stakes are so low.
9265 Academics care, that's who.
9268 A modern school where football is taught.
9270 An archaic school where football is not taught.
9272 Accent on helpful side of your nature. Drain the moat.
9274 Accept people for what they are -- completely unacceptable.
9277 An unsuccessful attempt to find bugs.
9280 A condition in which presence of mind is good, but absence of
9282 -- Foolish Dictionary
9285 Colonel Gray, of Petaluma, came near losing his life a few days ago,
9286 in a singular manner. A gentleman with whom he was hunting attempted to
9287 bring down a dove, but instead of doing so put the load of shot through the
9288 Colonel's hat. One shot took effect in his forehead.
9289 -- Sacramento Daily Union, April 20, 1861
9291 Accidents cause History.
9293 If Sigismund Unbuckle had taken a walk in 1426 and met Wat Tyler, the
9294 Peasant's Revolt would never have happened and the motor car would not
9295 have been invented until 2026, which would have meant that all the oil
9296 could have been used for lamps, thus saving the electric light bulb and
9297 the whale, and nobody would have caught Moby Dick or Billy Budd.
9298 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
9300 According to a recent and unscientific national survey, smiling is something
9301 everyone should do at least 6 times a day. In an effort to increase the
9302 national average (the US ranks third among the world's superpowers in
9303 smiling), Xerox has instructed all personnel to be happy, effervescent, and
9304 most importantly, to smile. Xerox employees agree, and even feel strongly
9305 that they can not only meet but surpass the national average... except for
9306 Tubby Ackerman. But because Tubby does such a fine job of racing around
9307 parking lots with a large butterfly net retrieving floating IC chips, Xerox
9308 decided to give him a break. If you see Tubby in a parking lot he may have
9309 a sheepish grin. This is where the expression, "Service with a slightly
9310 sheepish grin" comes from.
9312 According to all the latest reports,
9313 there was no truth in any of the earlier reports.
9315 According to Arkansas law, Section 4761, Pope's Digest: "No person
9316 shall be permitted under any pretext whatever, to come nearer than
9317 fifty feet of any door or window of any polling room, from the opening
9318 of the polls until the completion of the count and the certification of
9321 According to convention there is a sweet and a bitter, a hot and a cold,
9322 and according to convention, there is an order. In truth, there are atoms
9324 -- Democritus, 400 B.C.
9326 According to Kentucky state law, every person must take a bath at least
9329 According to my best recollection, I don't remember.
9330 -- Vincent "Jimmy Blue Eyes" Alo
9332 According to the latest official figures, 43% of all statistics are
9335 According to the obituary notices, a mean and unimportant person never
9338 According to the Rand McNally Places-Rated Almanac, the best place to
9339 live in America is the city of Pittsburgh. The city of New York came
9340 in twenty-fifth. Here in New York we really don't care too much.
9341 Because we know that we could beat up their city anytime.
9345 A bagpipe with pleats.
9348 The vice of being right.
9350 Acid -- better living through chemistry.
9352 Acid absorbs 47 times its own weight in excess Reality.
9355 A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well
9357 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
9359 Acting is an art which consists of keeping the audience from coughing.
9361 Acting is not very hard. The most important things are to be able to laugh
9362 and cry. If I have to cry, I think of my sex life. And if I have to laugh,
9363 well, I think of my sex life.
9368 Boris Karloff William Henry Pratt
9369 Cary Grant Archibald Leach
9370 Edward G. Robinson Emmanual Goldenburg
9371 Gene Wilder Gerald Silberman
9372 John Wayne Marion Morrison
9373 Kirk Douglas Issur Danielovitch
9374 Richard Burton Richard Jenkins Jr.
9375 Roy Rogers Leonard Slye
9376 Woody Allen Allen Stewart Konigsberg
9378 Actor: "I'm a smash hit. Why, yesterday during the last act, I had
9379 everyone glued in their seats!"
9380 Oliver Herford: "Wonderful! Wonderful! Clever of you to think of
9383 Actor: So what do you do for a living?
9384 Doris: I work for a company that makes deceptively shallow serving
9385 dishes for Chinese restaurants.
9386 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
9388 Actors will happen even in the best-regulated families.
9390 Actresses will happen in the best regulated families.
9391 -- Addison Mizner and Oliver Herford, "The Entirely
9392 New Cynic's Calendar", 1905
9394 Actually, my goal is to have a sandwich named after me.
9396 Actually, the probability is 100% that the elevator
9397 will be going in the right direction. Proof by induction:
9399 N=1. Trivially true, since both you and the elevator
9400 only have one floor to go to.
9402 Assume true for N, prove for N+1:
9403 If you are on any of the first N floors, then it is true by the
9404 induction hypothesis. If you are on the N+1st floor, then both you
9405 and the elevator have only one choice, namely down. Therefore,
9406 it is true for all N+1 floors.
9409 Ad astra per aspera. (To the stars by aspiration.)
9412 Something you need only know the name of to be an Expert in
9413 Computing. Useful in sentences like, "We had better develop an ADA
9415 -- "Datamation", January 15, 1984
9417 Adde parvum parvo manus acervus erit.
9418 [Add little to little and there will be a big pile.]
9421 Adding features does not necessarily increase
9422 functionality -- it just makes the manuals thicker.
9424 Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later.
9425 -- Frederick Brooks Jr., "The Mythical Man-Month"
9427 Whenever one person is found adequate to the discharge of a duty by
9428 close application thereto, it is worse execute by two persons and
9429 scarcely done at all if three or more are employed therein.
9430 -- George Washington (1732-1799)
9432 Adding sound to movies would be like
9433 putting lipstick on the Venus de Milo.
9434 -- Mary Pickford, actress, 1925
9436 Adhere to your own act, and congratulate yourself if you have done
9437 something strange and extravagant, and broken the monotony of a
9439 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
9441 Adler's Distinction:
9442 Language is all that separates us from the lower animals,
9443 and from the bureaucrats.
9446 Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves.
9447 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
9450 The stage between puberty and adultery.
9452 "Adopted kids are such a pain -- you have to teach them how to look
9457 To venerate expectantly.
9458 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
9461 One old enough to know better.
9465 Advancement in position.
9467 Advertisements contain the only
9468 truths to be relied on in a newspaper.
9471 Advertising is a valuable economic factor because it is the cheapest
9472 way of selling goods, particularly if the goods are worthless.
9475 Advertising is the rattling of a stick inside a swill bucket.
9478 Advertising may be described as the science of arresting the human
9479 intelligence long enough to get money from it.
9482 In writing a patent-medicine advertisement, first convince the
9483 reader that he has the disease he is reading about; secondly,
9486 Advice from an old carpenter: measure twice, saw once.
9488 Advice is a dangerous gift; be cautious about giving and receiving it.
9490 Advice to young men: Be ascetic, and if you can't be ascetic,
9491 then at least be aseptic.
9493 African violet: Such worth is rare
9494 Apple blossom: Preference
9495 Bachelor's button: Celibacy
9496 Bay leaf: I change but in death
9497 Camellia: Reflected loveliness
9498 Chrysanthemum, red: I love
9499 Chrysanthemum, white: Truth
9500 Chrysanthemum, other: Slighted love
9504 Forget-me-not: True love
9506 Gardenia: Secret, untold love
9507 Honeysuckle: Bonds of love
9508 Ivy: Friendship, fidelity, marriage
9509 Jasmine: Amiability, transports of joy, sensuality
9510 Leaves (dead): Melancholy
9511 Lilac: Youthful innocence
9512 Lilly: Purity, sweetness
9513 Lilly of the valley: Return of happiness
9514 Magnolia: Dignity, perseverance
9515 * An upside-down blossom reverses the meaning.
9517 After 35 years, I have finished a comprehensive study of European
9518 comparative law. In Germany, under the law, everything is prohibited,
9519 except that which is permitted. In France, under the law, everything
9520 is permitted, except that which is prohibited. In the Soviet Union,
9521 under the law, everything is prohibited, including that which is
9522 permitted. And in Italy, under the law, everything is permitted,
9523 especially that which is prohibited.
9525 Speech to the Association of American Law Schools, 1985
9527 After a few boring years, socially meaningful rock 'n' roll died out.
9528 It was replaced by disco, which offers no guidance to any form of life
9529 more advanced than the lichen family.
9530 -- Dave Barry, "Kids Today: They Don't Know Dum Diddly
9533 After a number of decimal places, nobody gives a damn.
9535 After a while you learn the subtle difference
9536 Between holding a hand and chaining a soul,
9537 And you learn that love doesn't mean security,
9538 And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts
9539 And presents aren't promises
9540 And you begin to accept your defeats
9541 With your head up and your eyes open,
9542 With the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child,
9543 And you learn to build all your roads
9544 On today because tomorrow's ground
9545 Is too uncertain. And futures have
9546 A way of falling down in midflight,
9547 After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much.
9548 So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting
9549 For someone to bring you flowers.
9550 And you learn that you really can endure...
9551 That you really are strong,
9552 And you really do have worth
9553 And you learn and learn
9554 With every goodbye you learn.
9555 -- Veronic Shoffstall, "Comes the Dawn"
9557 After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said than done.
9559 After all, it is only the mediocre who are always at their best.
9562 After all my erstwhile dear,
9563 My no longer cherished,
9564 Need we say it was not love,
9565 Just because it perished?
9566 -- Edna St. Vincent Millay
9568 After all, what is your hosts' purpose in having a party? Surely not
9569 for you to enjoy yourself; if that were their sole purpose, they'd have
9570 simply sent champagne and women over to your place by taxi.
9573 After an instrument has been assembled,
9574 extra components will be found on the bench.
9576 After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the
9577 month than you did before.
9579 After [Benjamin] Franklin came a herd of Electrical Pioneers whose
9580 names have become part of our electrical terminology: Myron Volt, Mary
9581 Louise Amp, James Watt, Bob Transformer, etc. These pioneers conducted
9582 many important electrical experiments. For example, in 1780 Luigi
9583 Galvani discovered (this is the truth) that when he attached two
9584 different kinds of metal to the leg of a frog, an electrical current
9585 developed and the frog's leg kicked, even though it was no longer
9586 attached to the frog, which was dead anyway. Galvani's discovery led
9587 to enormous advances in the field of amphibian medicine. Today,
9588 skilled veterinary surgeons can take a frog that has been seriously
9589 injured or killed, implant pieces of metal in its muscles, and watch it
9590 hop back into the pond just like a normal frog, except for the fact
9591 that it sinks like a stone.
9592 -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"
9594 After his legs had been broken in an accident, Mr. Miller sued for damages,
9595 claiming that he was crippled and would have to spend the rest of his life
9596 in a wheelchair. Although the insurance-company doctor testified that his
9597 bones had healed properly and that he was fully capable of walking, the
9598 judge decided for the plaintiff and awarded him $500,000.
9599 When he was wheeled into the insurance office to collect his check,
9600 Miller was confronted by several executives. "You're not getting away with
9601 this, Miller," one said. "We're going to watch you day and night. If you
9602 take a single step, you'll not only repay the damages but stand trial for
9603 perjury. Here's the money. What do you intend to do with it?"
9604 "My wife and I are going to travel," Miller replied. "We'll go to
9605 Stockholm, Berlin, Rome, Athens and, finally, to a place called Lourdes --
9606 where, gentlemen, you'll see yourselves one hell of a miracle."
9608 "After I asked him what he meant, he replied that freedom consisted of
9609 the unimpeded right to get rich, to use his ability, no matter what the
9610 cost to others, to win advancement."
9613 After I run your program, let's make love like crazed weasels, OK?
9615 After living in New York, you trust nobody,
9616 but you believe everything. Just in case.
9618 ...[after the announcement of Vanguard] ... Secretary of Defense Charles
9619 Wilson (the same "Engine Charlie" who once told the Senate, "[F]or years
9620 I've thought that what was good for our country was good for General Motors,
9621 and vice versa," probably an accurate analysis) was asked whether the
9622 Russians might beat the Americans into orbit. "I wouldn't care if they
9623 did," he responded. (It was later claimed that Wilson favored the
9624 development of the automatic transmission so that he could drive with
9625 one foot in his mouth.)
9626 -- Smithsonian's Air&Space Magazine, "The Day the Rocket Died"
9628 After the game the king and the pawn go in the same box.
9631 After the ground war began, captured Iraqi soldiers said any of them caught
9632 by superiors wearing a white T-shirt would be executed because of the ease
9633 with which the shirts could be used as surrender flags. Some Iraqi soldiers
9634 carried bleach with them to make their dark shirts white.
9635 -- Chuck Shepherd, Funny Times, May 1991
9637 After the last of 16 mounting screws has been removed from an access
9638 cover, it will be discovered that the wrong access cover has been
9641 After this was written there appeared a remarkable posthumous memoir that
9642 throws some doubt on Millikan's leading role in these experiments. Harvey
9643 Fletcher (1884-1981), who was a graduate student at the University of Chicago,
9644 at Millikan's suggestion worked on the measurement of electronic charge for
9645 his doctoral thesis, and co-authored some of the early papers on this subject
9646 with Millikan. Fletcher left a manuscript with a friend with instructions
9647 that it be published after his death; the manuscript was published in
9648 Physics Today, June 1982, page 43. In it, Fletcher claims that he was the
9649 first to do the experiment with oil drops, was the first to measure charges on
9650 single droplets, and may have been the first to suggest the use of oil.
9651 According to Fletcher, he had expected to be co-authored with Millikan on
9652 the crucial first article announcing the measurement of the electronic
9653 charge, but was talked out of this by Millikan.
9654 -- Steven Weinberg, "The Discovery of Subatomic Particles"
9656 Robert Millikan is generally credited with making the first really
9657 precise measurement of the charge on an electron and was awarded the
9658 Nobel Prize in 1923.
9660 After two or three weeks of this madness, you begin to feel As One with
9661 the man who said, "No news is good news." In twenty-eight papers, only
9662 the rarest kind of luck will turn up more than two or three articles of
9663 any interest... but even then the interest items are usually buried
9664 deep around paragraph 16 on the jump (or "Cont. on ...") page...
9666 The Post will have a story about Muskie making a speech in Iowa. The
9667 Star will say the same thing, and the Journal will say nothing at all.
9668 But the Times might have enough room on the jump page to include a line
9669 or so that says something like: "When he finished his speech, Muskie
9670 burst into tears and seized his campaign manager by the side of the
9671 neck. They grappled briefly, but the struggle was kicked apart by an
9672 oriental woman who seemed to be in control."
9674 Now that's good journalism. Totally objective; very active and
9675 straight to the point.
9676 -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing '72"
9678 After years of research, scientists recently reported that there is,
9679 indeed, arroz in Spanish Harlem.
9681 After your lover has gone you will still have PEANUT BUTTER!
9684 That part of the day we spend worrying about how we wasted the
9687 Afternoon very favorable for romance. Try a single person for a
9690 Against Idleness and Mischief
9692 How doth the little busy bee How skillfully she builds her cell!
9693 Improve each shining hour, How neat she spreads the wax!
9694 And gather honey all the day And labours hard to store it well
9695 From every opening flower! With the sweet food she makes.
9697 In works of labour or of skill In books, or work, or healthful play,
9698 I would be busy too; Let my first years be passed,
9699 For Satan finds some mischief still That I may give for every day
9700 For idle hands to do. Some good account at last.
9701 -- Isaac Watts (1674-1748)
9703 Against stupidity the very gods Themselves contend in vain.
9704 -- Friedrich von Schiller, "The Maid of Orleans", III, 6
9706 Age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill.
9708 Age before beauty; and pearls before swine.
9711 Age is a tyrant who forbids,
9712 at the penalty of life, all the pleasures of youth.
9715 That period of life in which we compound for the vices that we
9716 still cherish by reviling those that we no longer have the enterprise
9718 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
9721 Almost everything in life is easier to get into than out of.
9723 Agree with them now, it will save so much time.
9725 Ah, but a man's grasp should exceed his reach,
9726 Or what's a heaven for ?
9727 -- Robert Browning, "Andrea del Sarto"
9729 Ah, but the choice of dreams to live,
9732 For all dreams are not equal,
9733 some exit to nightmare
9734 most end with the dreamer
9736 But at least one must be lived ... and died.
9738 Ah, my friends, from the prison, they ask unto me,
9739 "How good, how good does it feel to be free?"
9740 And I answer them most mysteriously:
9741 "Are birds free from the chains of the sky-way?"
9744 Ah say, son, you're about as sharp as a bowlin' ball.
9746 Ah, sweet Springtime, when a young man lightly turns his fancy over!
9748 Ah, the Tsar's bazaar's bizarre beaux-arts!
9750 "Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the
9751 Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact
9752 that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately
9753 unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't seem to keep
9754 up is they're a bunch of misfits and losers."
9755 -- An analysis of Neo-Nazis, from "The Badger" comic
9757 Ahead warp factor one, Mr. Sulu.
9759 Ahhhhhh... the smell of cuprinol and mahogany. It
9760 excites me to... acts of passion... acts of... ineptitude.
9762 Aim for the moon. If you miss, you may hit a star.
9765 Ain't no right way to do a wrong thing.
9766 -- The Mad Dogtender
9768 Ain't nothin' an old man can do for me but
9769 bring me a message from a young man.
9772 "Ain't that something what happened today. One of us got traded to
9774 -- Casey Stengel, informing outfielder Bob Cerv he'd
9777 Air Force Inertia Axiom:
9778 Consistency is always easier to defend than correctness.
9780 Air is water with holes in it.
9783 A nutritious substance supplied by a bountiful Providence for
9784 the fattening of the poor.
9785 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
9787 Air pollution is really making us pay through the nose.
9789 Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value.
9790 -- Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy,
9791 Ecole Superieure de Guerre
9793 Al didn't smile for forty years. You've got to admire a man like that.
9794 -- from "Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman"
9796 Alan Turing thought about criteria to settle the question of whether
9797 machines can think, a question of which we now know that it is about
9798 as relevant as the question of whether submarines can swim.
9799 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
9801 Alas, how love can trifle with itself!
9802 -- William Shakespeare, "The Two Gentlemen of Verona"
9804 Alas, I am dying beyond my means.
9805 -- Oscar Wilde, as he sipped champagne on his deathbed
9810 Albert Camus wrote that the only serious question is whether to kill yourself
9811 or not. Tom Robbins wrote that the only serious question is whether time has
9812 a beginning and an end. Camus clearly got up on the wrong side of bed, and
9813 Robbins must have forgotten to set the alarm.
9816 Albert Einstein, when asked to describe radio, replied: "You see, wire
9817 telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull his tail in New
9818 York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you understand this?
9819 And radio operates exactly the same way: you send signals here, they
9820 receive them there. The only difference is that there is no cat."
9823 Social innovations tend to the level
9824 of minimum tolerable well-being.
9826 Alcohol, hashish, prussic acid, strychnine are weak dilutions.
9827 The surest poison is time.
9828 -- Emerson, "Society and Solitude"
9830 Alcohol is the anesthesia by which we endure the operation of life.
9831 -- George Bernard Shaw
9834 (1) Giving away baby clothes and furniture is the major cause
9836 (2) Always be backlit.
9837 (3) Sit down whenever possible.
9839 Aleph-null bottles of beer on the wall,
9840 Aleph-null bottles of beer,
9841 You take one down, and pass it around,
9842 Aleph-null bottles of beer on the wall.
9844 Alex Haley was adopted!
9846 Alexander Graham Bell is alive and well in New York, and still waiting
9849 Alexander Hamilton started the U.S. Treasury with nothing - and that was
9850 the closest our country has ever been to being even.
9851 -- The Best of Will Rogers
9853 Algebraic symbols are used when you do not know what you are talking about.
9854 -- Philippe Schnoebelen
9856 Algebraic symbols are used when you don't know what you're talking about.
9858 Algol-60 surely must be regarded as the most
9859 important programming language yet developed.
9863 Trendy dance for hip programmers.
9865 Alimony and bribes will engage a large share of your wealth.
9867 Alimony is a system by which, when two people make a mistake, one of
9868 them keeps paying for it.
9871 Alimony is like buying oats for a dead horse.
9874 Alimony is the curse of the writing classes.
9877 Alimony is the high cost of leaving.
9879 Aliquid melius quam pessimum optimum non est.
9881 Alive without breath,
9883 Never thirsty, ever drinking,
9884 All in mail ever clinking.
9886 All a man needs out of life is a place to sit 'n' spit in the fire.
9888 All art is but imitation of nature.
9889 -- Lucius Annaeus Seneca
9891 All articles that coruscate with resplendence are not truly auriferous.
9893 All bad precedents began as justifiable measures.
9894 -- Gaius Julius Caesar, quoted in "The Conspiracy of
9895 Catiline", by Sallust
9897 All bridge hands are equally likely, but some are more equally likely
9901 All business is based on the mutual trust of one of the parts.
9902 -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967)
9904 All constants are variables.
9906 All diplomacy is a continuation of war by other means.
9909 All extremists should be taken out and shot.
9911 All Finagle Laws may be bypassed by learning the simple art of doing
9916 Smoke a friend today.
9918 All generalizations are false, including this one.
9921 All God's children are not beautiful. Most of God's children are, in fact,
9923 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life"
9925 All Gods were immortal.
9926 -- Stanislaw J. Lec, "Unkempt Thoughts"
9928 All great discoveries are made by mistake.
9931 All great ideas are controversial, or have been at one time.
9933 All heiresses are beautiful.
9936 All his life he has looked away... to the horizon, to the sky,
9937 to the future. Never his mind on where he was, on what he was doing.
9940 All hope abandon, ye who enter here!
9943 All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
9945 All I ask of life is a constant and exaggerated sense of my own
9948 All I can think of is a platter of organic PRUNE CRISPS being trampled
9949 by an army of swarthy, Italian LOUNGE SINGERS ...
9951 All I kin say is when you finds yo'self wanderin' in a peach orchard,
9952 ya don't go lookin' for rutabagas.
9955 All I know is what the words know, and dead things, and that
9956 makes a handsome little sum, with a beginning and a middle and
9957 an end, as in the well-built phrase and the long sonata of the dead.
9960 All I need to have a good time,
9961 Is a reefer, a woman and a bottle of wine.
9962 With those three things I don't need no sunshine,
9963 A reefer, a woman and a bottle of wine.
9965 All I want is to never grow old,
9966 I want to wash in a bathtub of gold.
9967 I want 97 kilos already rolled,
9968 I want to wash in a bathtub of gold.
9970 I want to light my cigars with 10 dollar bills,
9971 I like to have a cattle ranch in Beverly Hills.
9972 I want a bottle of Red Eye that's always filled,
9973 I like to have a cattle ranch in Beverly Hills.
9974 -- Country Joe and the Fish, "Zachariah"
9976 All I want is a warm bed and a kind word and unlimited power.
9977 -- Ashleigh Brilliant
9979 All intelligent species own cats.
9981 All is fear in love and war.
9983 All is well that ends well.
9986 All I've got left on the list of desirable vocations is heiress to the
9987 throne of any country in Western Europe and Laurie Anderson. "Be
9988 practical", was the choral reply from the dinner table. Well, Laurie
9989 Anderson is already Laurie Anderson, but I read an article in Harpers
9990 that said there were eleven countries, in the world this is I think,
9991 that have queens as sovereign rulers. That's probably my best shot.
9993 All kings is mostly rapscallions.
9996 All laws are simulations of reality.
9999 All life evolves by the differential survival of replicating entities.
10002 All men are mortal. Socrates was mortal. Therefore, all men are
10006 All men have the right to wait in line.
10008 All men know the utility of useful things;
10009 but they do not know the utility of futility.
10012 All men profess honesty as long as they can.
10013 To believe all men honest would be folly.
10014 To believe none so is something worse.
10015 -- John Quincy Adams
10017 All most men really want in life is a wife, a house, two kids and a car,
10018 a cat, no maybe a dog. Ummm, scratch one of the kids and add a dog.
10021 All most people ask of life is a constant
10022 and exaggerated sense of their own importance.
10024 All most people want is a little more than they'll ever get.
10026 All my friends and I are crazy.
10027 That's the only thing that keeps us sane.
10029 All my friends are getting married,
10030 Yes, they're all growing old,
10031 They're all staying home on the weekend,
10032 They're all doing what they're told.
10034 All my life I wanted to be someone; I guess I should have been more
10039 Parts not interchangeable with previous model.
10041 All newspaper editorial writers ever do is come down from
10042 the hills after the battle is over and shoot the wounded.
10044 All of the animals except man know that
10045 the principal business of life is to enjoy it.
10047 All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs
10048 synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to
10049 rob a department store... with a pricing gun... She said, "Give me all
10050 of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store."
10053 All of the true things I am about to tell you are shameless lies.
10054 -- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr., "The Book of Bokonon"
10056 All of us should treasure his Oriental wisdom and his preaching of a
10057 Zen-like detachment, as exemplified by his constant reminder to clerks,
10058 tellers, or others who grew excited by his presence in their banks:
10059 "Just lie down on the floor and keep calm."
10060 -- Robert Wilson, "John Dillinger Died for You"
10062 All other things being equal, a bald man cannot be elected President of
10066 All parts should go together without forcing. You must remember that the
10067 parts you are reassembling were disassembled by you. Therefore, if you
10068 can't get them together again, there must be a reason. By all means, do
10070 -- IBM maintenance manual, 1925
10072 All people are born alike -- except Republicans and Democrats.
10075 All phone calls are obscene.
10076 -- Karen Elizabeth Gordon
10078 All possibility of understanding is rooted in the ability to say no.
10081 All power corrupts, but we need electricity.
10083 All programmers are optimists. Perhaps this modern sorcery especially attracts
10084 those who believe in happy endings and fairy godmothers. Perhaps the hundreds
10085 of nitty frustrations drive away all but those who habitually focus on the end
10086 goal. Perhaps it is merely that computers are young, programmers are younger,
10087 and the young are always optimists. But however the selection process works,
10088 the result is indisputable: "This time it will surely run," or "I just found
10090 -- Frederick Brooks Jr., "The Mythical Man-Month"
10092 All programmers are playwrights and all computers are lousy actors.
10094 All progress is based upon a universal innate desire on the part of
10095 every organism to live beyond its income.
10096 -- Samuel Butler, "Notebooks"
10098 All science is either physics or stamp collecting.
10099 -- Ernest Rutherford
10101 All seems condemned in the long run
10102 to approximate a state akin to Gaussian noise.
10105 All snakes who wish to remain in Ireland will please raise their right
10109 All syllogisms have three parts, therefore this is not a syllogism.
10111 All that glitters has a high refractive index.
10113 All that glitters is not gold; all that wander are not lost.
10115 All that is gold does not glitter,
10116 Not all those who wander are lost;
10117 The old that is strong does not wither,
10118 Deep roots are not reached by the frost.
10119 From the ashes a fire shall be woken,
10120 A light from the shadows shall spring;
10121 Renewed shall be blade that was broken,
10122 The crownless again shall be king.
10123 -- J. R. R. Tolkien
10125 All the big corporations depreciate their possessions, and you can,
10126 too, provided you use them for business purposes. For example, if you
10127 subscribe to the Wall Street Journal, a business-related newspaper, you
10128 can deduct the cost of your house, because, in the words of U.S.
10129 Supreme Court Chief Justice Warren Burger in a landmark 1979 tax
10130 decision: "Where else are you going to read the paper? Outside? What
10132 -- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes"
10134 All the evidence concerning the universe
10135 has not yet been collected, so there's still hope.
10137 All the lines have been written There's been Sandburg,
10138 It's sad but it's true Keats, Poe and McKuen
10139 With all the words gone, They all had their day
10140 What's a young poet to do? And knew what they're doin'
10142 But of all the words written The bird is a strange one,
10143 And all the lines read, So small and so tender
10144 There's one I like most, Its breed still unknown,
10145 And by a bird it was said! Not to mention its gender.
10147 It reminds me of days of So what is this line
10148 Both gloom and of light. Whose author's unknown
10149 It still lifts my spirits And still makes me giggle
10150 And starts the day right. Even now that I'm grown?
10152 I've read all the greats
10153 Both starving and fat,
10154 But none was as great as
10155 "I tot I taw a puddy tat."
10156 -- Etta Stallings, "An Ode To Childhood"
10158 All the men on my staff can type.
10161 All the passions make us commit faults; love makes us commit the most
10163 -- La Rochefoucauld
10165 All the really good ideas I ever had came to me while I was milking a cow.
10168 All the simple programs have been written.
10170 All the taxes paid over a lifetime by the average American are spent by
10171 the government in less than a second.
10174 All the troubles you have will pass away very quickly.
10176 All the world's a stage and most of us are desperately unrehearsed.
10179 All the world's a VAX,
10180 And all the coders merely butchers;
10181 They have their exits and their entrails;
10182 And one int in his time plays many widths,
10183 His sizeof being _
\bN bytes. At first the infant,
10184 Mewling and puking in the Regent's arms.
10185 And then the whining schoolboy, with his Sun,
10186 And shining morning face, creeping like slug
10187 Unwillingly to school.
10188 -- A Very Annoyed PDP-11
10190 All theoretical chemistry is really physics;
10191 and all theoretical chemists know it.
10192 -- Richard P. Feynman
10194 All things are possible, except for skiing through a revolving door.
10196 All things are possible, except skiing thru a revolving door.
10198 All things being equal, you are bound to lose.
10200 All things that are, are with more spirit chased than enjoyed.
10201 -- William Shakespeare, "Merchant of Venice"
10203 All this wheeling and dealing around, why, it isn't for money,
10204 it's for fun. Money's just the way we keep score.
10207 All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.
10209 All warranty and guarantee clauses
10210 become null and void upon payment of invoice.
10212 All wars are civil wars, because all men are brothers ... Each one owes
10213 infinitely more to the human race than to the particular country in
10215 -- Francois Fenelon
10217 All we know is the phenomenon: we spend our time sending messages to each
10218 other, talking and trying to listen at the same time, exchanging information.
10219 This seems to be our most urgent biological function; it is what we do with
10221 -- Lewis Thomas, "The Lives of a Cell"
10223 All who joy would win Must share it --
10224 Happiness was born a twin.
10227 All your files have been destroyed (sorry). Paul.
10229 All [zoos] actually offer to the public in return for the taxes spent
10230 upon them is a form of idle and witless amusement, compared to which a
10231 visit to a penitentiary, or even to a State legislature in session, is
10232 informing, stimulating and ennobling.
10236 When all else fails, read the instructions.
10239 In international politics, the union of two thieves who have
10240 their hands so deeply inserted in each other's pocket that they cannot
10241 separately plunder a third.
10242 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
10244 All's well that ends.
10246 Almost anything derogatory you could say
10247 about today's software design would be accurate.
10252 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
10254 Also, the Scots are said to have invented golf. Then they had
10255 to invent Scotch whiskey to take away the pain and frustration.
10257 alta, v: To change; make or become different; modify.
10258 ansa, v: A spoken or written reply, as to a question.
10259 baa, n: A place people meet to have a few drinks.
10260 Baaston, n: The capital of Massachusetts.
10261 baaba, n: One whose business is to cut or trim hair or beards.
10262 beea, n: An alcoholic beverage brewed from malt and hops, often
10264 caaa, n: An automobile.
10265 centa, n: A point around which something revolves; axis. (Or
10266 someone involved with the Knicks.)
10267 chouda, n: A thick seafood soup, often in a milk base.
10268 dada, n: Information, esp. information organized for analysis or
10270 -- Massachewsetts Unabridged Dictionary
10272 Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight
10273 Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.
10276 Although it is still a truism in industry that "no one was ever fired for
10277 buying IBM," Bill O'Neil, the chief technology officer at Drexel Burnham
10278 Lambert, says he knows for a fact that someone has been fired for just that
10279 reason. He knows it because he fired the guy.
10280 "He made a bad decision, and what it came down to was, 'Well, I
10281 bought it because I figured it was safe to buy IBM,'" Mr. O'Neil says.
10282 "I said, 'No. Wrong. Game over. Next contestant, please.'"
10283 -- The Wall Street Journal, December 6, 1989
10285 Although the moon is smaller than the earth, it is farther away.
10287 Although we modern persons tend to take our electric lights, radios,
10288 mixers, etc., for granted, hundreds of years ago people did not have
10289 any of these things, which is just as well because there was no place
10290 to plug them in. Then along came the first Electrical Pioneer,
10291 Benjamin Franklin, who flew a kite in a lighting storm and received a
10292 serious electrical shock. This proved that lighting was powered by the
10293 same force as carpets, but it also damaged Franklin's brain so severely
10294 that he started speaking only in incomprehensible maxims, such as "A
10295 penny saved is a penny earned." Eventually he had to be given a job
10296 running the post office.
10297 -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"
10299 Although written many years ago, Lady Chatterley's Lover has just been
10300 reissued by the Grove Press, and this pictorial account of the
10301 day-to-day life of an English gamekeeper is full of considerable
10302 interest to outdoor minded readers, as it contains many passages on
10303 pheasant-raising, the apprehending of poachers, ways to control vermin,
10304 and other chores and duties of the professional gamekeeper.
10305 Unfortunately, one is obliged to wade through many pages of extraneous
10306 material in order to discover and savour those sidelights on the
10307 management of a midland shooting estate, and in this reviewer's opinion
10308 the book cannot take the place of J. R. Miller's "Practical
10310 -- Ed Zern, "Field and Stream" (Nov. 1959)
10312 Always borrow money from a pessimist; he doesn't expect to be paid back.
10314 Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest.
10317 Always draw your curves, then plot your reading.
10319 Always leave room to add an explanation if it doesn't work out.
10321 Always remember that you are unique. Just like everyone else.
10323 Always run from a knife and rush a gun.
10326 Always store beer in a dark place.
10328 Always the dullness of the fool is the whetstone of the wits.
10329 -- William Shakespeare, "As You Like It"
10331 Always there remain portions of our heart
10332 into which no one is able to enter, invite them as we may.
10334 Always think of something new; this
10335 helps you forget your last rotten idea.
10338 "Always try to do things in chronological order; it's less confusing
10341 Am I ranting? I hope so. My ranting gets raves.
10343 Ambidextrous, adj.:
10344 Able to pick with equal skill a right-hand pocket or a left.
10345 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
10348 Telling the truth when you don't mean to.
10350 Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy.
10351 -- Charlie McCarthy
10354 An overmastering desire to be vilified by enemies while
10355 living and made ridiculous by friends when dead.
10356 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
10358 America: born free and taxed to death.
10360 America has been discovered before, but it has always been hushed up.
10363 America, how can I write a holy litany in your silly mood?
10366 America is a melting pot. You know, where those on the bottom get burned,
10367 and the scum rises to the top.
10370 America is a stronger nation for the ACLU's uncompromising effort.
10373 The simple rights, the civil liberties from generations of struggle must not
10374 be just fine words for patriotic holidays, words we subvert on weekdays, but
10375 living, honored rules of conduct amongst us...I'm glad the American Civil
10376 Liberties Union gets indignant, and I hope this will always be so.
10377 -- Senator Adlai E. Stevenson
10379 The ACLU has stood foursquare against the recurring tides of hysteria that
10380 from time to time threaten freedoms everywhere... Indeed, it is difficult
10381 to appreciate how far our freedoms might have eroded had it not been for the
10382 Union's valiant representation in the courts of the constitutional rights
10383 of people of all persuasions, no matter how unpopular or even despised
10384 by the majority they were at the time.
10385 -- former Supreme Court Chief Justice Earl Warren
10387 America is the country where you buy a lifetime
10388 supply of aspirin for one dollar, and use it up in two weeks.
10390 America may be unique in being a country which has leapt
10391 from barbarism to decadence without touching civilization.
10394 America was discovered by Amerigo Vespucci and was named after him,
10395 until people got tired of living in a place called "Vespuccia" and
10396 changed its name to "America".
10397 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
10399 America works less, when you say "Union Yes!"
10401 American business long ago gave up on demanding that prospective
10402 employees be honest and hardworking. It has even stopped hoping for
10403 employees who are educated enough that they can tell the difference
10404 between the men's room and the women's room without having little
10405 pictures on the doors.
10406 -- Dave Barry, "Urine Trouble, Mister"
10408 American by birth; Texan by the grace of God.
10410 American cars are made shoddily...
10411 Cars made overseas are far superior.
10412 -- Sen. Barry Goldwater
10414 [Americans] are a race of convicts and ought to be thankful for anything
10415 we allow them short of hanging.
10418 America is a large friendly dog in a small room. Every time it wags its
10419 tail it knocks over a chair.
10422 Americans are people who insist on living in the present, tense.
10424 Americans' greatest fear is that America will turn out
10425 to have been a phenomenon, not a civilization.
10426 -- Shirley Hazzard, "Transit of Venus"
10428 America's best buy for a quarter is a telephone call to the right person.
10430 Amnesia used to be my favorite word, but then I forgot it.
10433 Amoeba/rabbit cross; it can multiply
10434 and divide at the same time.
10436 Among all savage beasts, none is found so harmful as woman.
10437 -- St. John Chrysostom (304-407)
10439 Among the lucky, you are the chosen one.
10441 An acid is like a woman: a good one will eat through your pants.
10442 -- Mel Gibson, Saturday Night Live
10444 An actor's a guy who if you ain't talkin' about him, ain't listening.
10447 An Ada exception is when a routine gets
10448 in trouble and says "Beam me up, Scotty."
10450 An adequate bootstrap is a contradiction in terms.
10452 An age is called Dark not because the light fails to shine, but because
10453 people refuse to see it.
10454 -- James Michener, "Space"
10456 An Aggie farmer was lifting his hogs, one by one, up to the branches of
10457 his apple trees to graze on the apples. A Texas student walked by and
10458 asked him, "Doesn't that take a lot of time?"
10459 Replied the Aggie, "What's time to a hog?"
10461 An alcoholic is someone you don't like who drinks as much as you do.
10464 An algorithm must be seen to be believed.
10467 An ambassador is an honest man sent abroad
10468 to lie and intrigue for the benefit of his country.
10469 -- Sir Henry Wotton (1568-1639)
10471 An amendment to a motion may be amended, but an amendment to an amendment
10472 to a motion may not be amended. However, a substitute for an amendment to
10473 and amendment to a motion may be adopted and the substitute may be amended.
10474 -- The Montana legislature's contribution to the English
10477 An American is a man with two arms and four wheels.
10480 An American scientist once visited the offices of the great Nobel prize
10481 winning physicist, Niels Bohr, in Copenhagen. He was amazed to find that
10482 over Bohr's desk was a horseshoe, securely nailed to the wall, with the
10483 open end up in the approved manner (so it would catch the good luck and not
10484 let it spill out). The American said with a nervous laugh,
10485 "Surely you don't believe the horseshoe will bring you good luck,
10486 do you, Professor Bohr? After all, as a scientist --"
10488 "I believe no such thing, my good friend. Not at all. I am
10489 scarcely likely to believe in such foolish nonsense. However, I am told
10490 that a horseshoe will bring you good luck whether you believe in it or not."
10492 An American tourist is visiting Russia, and he's talking with a Russian
10493 about the fact that not many people in Russia own cars.
10495 American: "I can't believe you don't have cars here! How do you
10497 Russian: "We take the bus, or the subway. We have public
10498 transportation everywhere."
10499 A: "Well, how do you go on vacations?"
10500 R: "We take the train."
10501 A: "Well, what if you want to go abroad?"
10502 R: "We don't ever want go abroad."
10503 A: "Well, what if you really HAVE to go abroad?"
10504 R: "We take tanks."
10506 An American's a person who isn't afraid to criticize
10507 the president but is always polite to traffic cops.
10509 An anthropologist at Tulane has just come back from a field trip to
10510 New Guinea with reports of a tribe so primitive that they have Tide but
10511 not new Tide with lemon-fresh Borax.
10514 An aphorism is never exactly true;
10515 it is either a half-truth or one-and-a-half truths.
10518 An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile -- hoping that it will eat
10520 -- Sir Winston Churchill, 1954
10522 An apple a day makes 365 apples a year.
10524 An apple every eight hours will keep three doctors away.
10526 An artist should be fit for the best society and keep out of it.
10528 An atheist is a man with no invisible means of support.
10530 An atom-blaster is a good weapon, but it can point both ways.
10533 An attachment a la Plato
10534 for a bashful young potato
10535 or a, not too French, french bean
10536 must excite your languid spleen.
10537 For, if you walk down Picadilly
10538 with a poppy or lily
10539 in your medieval hand,
10540 every one will say,
10541 as you walk your flowery way;
10542 "If this young man is content,
10543 with a vegetable love
10544 which would certainly not content me.
10545 Why, what a very pure young man
10546 this pure young man must be!"
10547 -- W. S. Gilbert, "Patience"
10548 [The subject of the humour is, of course, Oscar Wilde]
10550 An attorney was defending his client against a charge of first-degree
10551 murder. "Your Honor, my client is accused of stuffing his lover's
10552 mutilated body into a suitcase and heading for the Mexican border.
10553 Just north of Tijuana a cop spotted her hand sticking out of the
10554 suitcase. Now, I would like to stress that my client is *not* a
10555 murderer. A sloppy packer, maybe..."
10557 An authority is a person who can tell you more about something than you
10558 really care to know.
10560 An avocado-tone refrigerator would look good on your resume.
10562 An economist is a man who would marry
10563 Farrah Fawcett-Majors for her money.
10565 An editor is one who separates the wheat from the chaff and prints the chaff.
10568 An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.
10570 An efficient and a successful administration manifests
10571 itself equally in small as in great matters.
10572 -- Winston Churchill
10574 An egghead is one who stands firmly on both feet,
10575 in mid-air, on both sides of an issue.
10578 An elderly couple were flying to their Caribbean hideaway on a chartered plane
10579 when a terrible storm forced them to land on an uninhabited island. When
10580 several days passed without rescue, the couple and their pilot sank into a
10581 despondent silence. Finally, the woman asked her husband if he had made his
10582 usual pledge to the United Way Campaign.
10583 "We're running out of food and water and you ask *that*?" her husband
10584 barked. "If you really need to know, I not only pledged a half million but
10585 I've already paid them half of it."
10586 "You owe the U.W.C. a *quarter million*?" the woman exclaimed
10587 euphorically. "Don't worry, Harry, they'll find us! They'll find us!"
10589 An elephant is a mouse with an operating system.
10591 An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician find themselves in an
10592 anecdote, indeed an anecdote quite similar to many that you have no doubt
10593 already heard. After some observations and rough calculations the
10594 engineer realizes the situation and starts laughing. A few minutes later
10595 the physicist understands too and chuckles to himself happily as he now
10596 has enough experimental evidence to publish a paper. This leaves the
10597 mathematician somewhat perplexed, as he had observed right away that he
10598 was the subject of an anecdote, and deduced quite rapidly the presence of
10599 humour from similar anecdotes, but considers this anecdote to be too
10600 trivial a corollary to be significant, let alone funny.
10602 An engineer is someone who does list processing in FORTRAN.
10604 An English judge, growing weary of the barrister's long-winded
10605 summation, leaned over the bench and remarked, "I've heard your
10606 arguments, Sir Geoffrey, and I'm none the wiser!" Sir Geoffrey
10607 responded, "That may be, Milord, but at least you're better informed!"
10609 An Englishman never enjoys himself, except for a noble purpose.
10612 An evil mind is a great comfort.
10614 An excellence-oriented '80s male does not wear a regular watch. He
10615 wears a Rolex watch, because it weighs nearly six pounds and is
10616 advertised only in excellence-oriented publications such as Fortune and
10617 Rich Protestant Golfer Magazine. The advertisements are written in
10618 incomplete sentences, which is how advertising copywriters denote
10621 "The Rolex Hyperion. An elegant new standard in quality excellence and
10622 discriminating handcraftsmanship. For the individual who is truly able
10623 to discriminate with regard to excellent quality standards of crafting
10624 things by hand. Fabricated of 100 percent 24-karat gold. No watch
10625 parts or anything. Just a great big chunk on your wrist. Truly a
10626 timeless statement. For the individual who is very secure. Who
10627 doesn't need to be reminded all the time that he is very successful.
10628 Much more successful than the people who laughed at him in high
10629 school. Because of his acne. People who are probably nowhere near as
10630 successful as he is now. Maybe he'll go to his 20th reunion, and
10631 they'll see his Rolex Hyperion. Hahahahahahahahaha."
10632 -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence"
10634 An exotic journey in downtown Newark is in your future.
10636 ...an experienced, industrious, ambitious, and quite often
10640 An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made, in a
10644 An expert is a person who avoids the small errors
10645 as he sweeps on to the grand fallacy.
10646 -- Benjamin Stolberg
10648 An expert is one who knows more and more about less
10649 and less until he knows absolutely nothing about everything.
10651 An eye in a blue face
10652 Saw an eye in a green face.
10653 "That eye is like this eye"
10654 Said the first eye,
10656 Not in high place."
10658 An Hacker there was, one of the finest sort
10659 Who controlled the system; graphics was his sport.
10660 A manly man, to be a wizard able;
10661 Many a protected file he had sitting on his table.
10662 His console, when he typed, a man might hear
10663 Clicking and feeping wind as clear,
10664 Aye, and as loud as does the machine room bell
10665 Where my lord Hacker was Prior of the cell.
10666 The Rule of good St Savage or St Doeppnor
10667 As old and strict he tended to ignore;
10668 He let go by the things of yesterday
10669 And took the modern world's more spacious way.
10670 He did not rate that text as a plucked hen
10671 Which says that Hackers are not holy men.
10672 And that a hacker underworked is a mere
10673 Fish out of water, flapping on the pier.
10674 That is to say, a hacker out of his cloister.
10675 That was a text he held not worth an oyster.
10676 And I agreed and said his views were sound;
10677 Was he to study till his head wend round
10678 Poring over books in the cloisters? Must he toil
10679 As Andy bade and till the very soil?
10680 Was he to leave the world upon the shelf?
10681 Let Andy have his labor to himself!
10683 [well, almost. Ed.]
10685 An honest politician is one who when he is bought will stay bought.
10688 There are honest journalists like there are honest politicians. When
10689 bought they stay bought.
10692 An honest tale speeds best being plainly told.
10693 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
10695 An idea is an eye given by God for the seeing of God. Some of these
10696 eyes we cannot bear to look out of, we blind them as quickly as
10698 -- Russell Hoban, "Pilgermann"
10700 An idea is not responsible for the people who believe in it.
10702 An idealist is one who helps the other fellow to make a profit.
10705 An idle mind is worth two in the bush.
10707 An infallible method of conciliating a tiger
10708 is to allow oneself to be devoured.
10711 An intellectual is someone whose mind watches itself.
10714 An interpretation I satisfies a sentence in the table language if and only if
10715 each entry in the table designates the value of the function designated by the
10716 function constant in the upper-left corner applied to the objects designated
10717 by the corresponding row and column labels.
10718 -- Genesereth & Nilsson, "Logical foundations of Artificial
10721 An investment in knowledge always pays the best interest.
10722 -- Benjamin Franklin
10724 An old man is lying on his deathbed with all his children, grandchildren and
10725 great-grandchildren gathered around, teary-eyed at the approaching finale of
10726 a deeply loved family member. The old man is in a light coma, and the doctors
10727 have confirmed that the waiting will be over within the next twenty-four
10728 hours. Suddenly, the old man opens his eyes whispers: "I must be dreaming
10729 of heaven... I smell my daughter Lisle's strudel."
10730 "No, no, grandfather, you are not dreaming", he is reassured.
10731 "Grandmother is baking strudel right now."
10732 A faint smile crosses the old man's face. "Go and get me a sliver of
10733 strudel," he says, "she bakes the finest strudel in the world."
10734 One of the grandchildren is immediately dispatched to honor the old
10735 man's request, and, after what seems a long time, he returns empty-handed.
10736 "Did you bring me some of Lisle's strudel?", the old man quavers.
10737 "I'm... I'm very sorry, grandfather, but she says it's for the
10740 An optimist is a guy that has never had much experience.
10743 An optimist is a man who looks forward to marriage.
10744 A pessimist is a married optimist.
10746 An ounce of clear truth is worth a pound of obfuscation.
10748 An ounce of hypocrisy is worth a pound of ambition.
10751 An ounce of mother is worth a ton of priest.
10754 An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of purge.
10756 Anarchy may not be a better form of government,
10757 but it's better than no government at all.
10759 Anarchy may not be the best form of government,
10760 but it's better than no government at all.
10762 And all that the Lorax left here in this mess
10763 was a small pile of rocks with the one word, "unless."
10764 Whatever THAT meant, well, I just couldn't guess.
10765 That was long, long ago, and each day since that day,
10766 I've worried and worried and worried away.
10767 Through the years as my buildings have fallen apart,
10768 I've worried about it with all of my heart.
10770 "BUT," says the Oncler, "now that you're here,
10771 the word of the Lorax seems perfectly clear!
10772 UNLESS someone like you cares a whole awful lot,
10773 nothing is going to get better - it's not.
10774 So... CATCH!" cries the Oncler. He lets something fall.
10775 "It's a truffula seed. It's the last one of all!
10777 "You're in charge of the last of the truffula seeds.
10778 And truffula trees are what everyone needs.
10779 Plant a new truffula -- treat it with care.
10780 Give it clean water and feed it fresh air.
10781 Grow a forest -- protect it from axes that hack.
10782 Then the Lorax and all of his friends may come back!"
10783 -- Dr. Seuss, "The Lorax"
10785 And as we stand on the edge of darkness
10786 Let our chant fill the void
10787 That others may know
10789 In the land of the night
10790 The ship of the sun
10793 -- Tibetan "Book of the Dead," ca. 4000 BC.
10795 And did those feet, in ancient times,
10796 Walk upon England's mountains green?
10797 And was the Holy Lamb of God
10798 In England's pleasant pastures seen?
10799 And did the Countenance Divine
10800 Shine forth upon these crowded hills?
10801 And was Jerusalem builded here
10802 Among these dark satanic mills?
10804 Bring me my bow of burning gold!
10805 Bring me my arrows of desire!
10806 Bring me my spears! O clouds unfold!
10807 Bring me my chariot of fire!
10808 I shall not cease from mental fight,
10809 Nor shall my sword rest in my hand,
10810 Till we have built Jerusalem
10811 In England's green and pleasant land.
10812 -- William Blake, "Jerusalem"
10814 And do you think (fop that I am) that I could be the Scarlet Pumpernickel?
10816 And ever has it been known that
10817 love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation.
10820 And he climbed with the lad up the Eiffelberg Tower. "This," cried the Mayor,
10821 "is your town's darkest hour! The time for all Whos who have blood that is red
10822 to come to the aid of their country!" he said. "We've GOT to make noises in
10823 greater amounts! So, open your mouth, lad! For every voice counts!" Thus he
10824 spoke as he climbed. When they got to the top, the lad cleared his throat and
10825 he shouted out, "YOPP!"
10826 And that Yopp... That one last small, extra Yopp put it over!
10827 Finally, at last! From the speck on that clover their voices were heard!
10828 They rang out clear and clean. And they elephant smiled. "Do you see what
10829 I mean?" They've proved they ARE persons, no matter how small. And their
10830 whole world was saved by the smallest of All!"
10831 "How true! Yes, how true," said the big kangaroo. "And, from now
10832 on, you know what I'm planning to do? From now on, I'm going to protect
10833 them with you!" And the young kangaroo in her pouch said, "ME TOO! From
10834 the sun in the summer. From rain when it's fall-ish, I'm going to protect
10835 them. No matter how small-ish!"
10836 -- Dr. Seuss, "Horton Hears a Who"
10838 And here I wait so patiently
10839 Waiting to find out what price
10840 You have to pay to get out of
10841 Going thru all of these things twice
10842 -- Dylan, "Memphis Blues Again"
10844 And I alone am returned to wag the tail.
10846 And I heard Jeff exclaim, as they strolled out of sight,
10847 "Merry Christmas to all -- you take credit cards, right?"
10849 And I heard Jeff exclaim,
10850 As they strolled out of sight,
10851 "Merry Christmas to all --
10852 You take credit cards, right?"
10853 -- "Outsiders" comic
10855 And I suppose the little things are harder to get used to than the big
10856 ones. The big ones you get used to, you make up your mind to them. The
10857 little things come along unexpectedly, when you aren't thinking about
10858 them, aren't braced against them.
10859 -- Marion Zimmer Bradley, "The Forbidden Tower"
10861 And I will do all these good works, and I will do them for free!
10862 My only reward will be a tombstone that says "Here lies Gomez
10863 Addams -- he was good for nothing."
10864 -- Jack Sharkey, The Addams Family
10866 And if California slides into the ocean,
10867 Like the mystics and statistics say it will.
10868 I predict this motel will be standing,
10869 Until I've paid my bill.
10870 -- Warren Zevon, "Desperados Under the Eaves"
10872 And if sometime, somewhere, someone asketh thee,
10873 "Who kilt thee?", tell them it 'twas the Doones of Bagworthy!
10877 As I am heading for the sink.
10878 I am spitting out all the bitterness,
10879 Along with half of my last drink.
10881 And in the heartbreak years that lie ahead,
10882 Be true to yourself and the Grateful Dead.
10885 And it should be the law: If you use the word `paradigm' without knowing
10886 what the dictionary says it means, you go to jail. No exceptions.
10889 And miles to go before I sleep.
10891 And now for something completely the same.
10893 And now your toner's toney, Disk blocks aplenty
10894 And your paper near pure white, Await your laser drawn lines,
10895 The smudges on your soul are gone Your intricate fonts,
10896 And your output's clean as light.. Your pictures and signs.
10898 We've labored with your father, Your amputative absence
10899 The venerable XGP, Has made the Ten dumb,
10900 But his slow artistic hand, Without you, Dover,
10901 Lacks your clean velocity. We're system untounged-
10903 Theses and papers DRAW Plots and TEXage
10904 And code in a queue Have been biding their time,
10905 Dover, oh Dover, With LISP code and programs,
10906 We've been waiting for you. And this crufty rhyme.
10908 Dover, oh Dover, Dover, oh Dover, arisen from dead.
10909 We welcome you back, Dover, oh Dover, awoken from bed.
10910 Though still you may jam, Dover, oh Dover, welcome back to the Lab.
10911 You're on the right track. Dover, oh Dover, we've missed your clean
10914 And on the eighth day, we bulldozed it.
10916 And on the seventh day, He exited from append mode.
10918 ...and report cards I was always afraid to show
10919 Mama'd come to school
10920 and as I'd sit there softly cryin'
10921 Teacher'd say he's just not tryin'
10922 Got a good head if he'd apply it
10923 but you know yourself
10924 it's always somewhere else
10925 I'd build me a castle
10926 with dragons and kings
10927 and I'd ride off with them
10928 As I stood by my window
10929 and looked out on those
10931 -- Neil Diamond, "Brooklyn Roads"
10933 And so it was, later,
10934 As the miller told his tale,
10935 That her face, at first just ghostly,
10936 Turned a whiter shade of pale.
10939 And so, men, we can see that human skin is an even more complex and
10940 fascinating organ than we thought it was, and if we want to keep it
10941 looking good, we have to care for it as though it were our own. One
10942 approach is to undergo a painful surgical procedure wherein your skin
10943 is turned inside-out, so the young cells are on the outside, but then
10944 of course you have the unpleasant side effect that your insides
10945 gradually fill up with dead old cells and you explode. So this
10946 procedure is pretty much limited to top Hollywood stars for whom
10947 youthful beauty is a career necessity, such as Elizabeth Taylor and
10949 -- Dave Barry, "Saving Face"
10951 And that's the way it is...
10954 And the crowd was stilled. One elderly man, wondering at the sudden silence,
10955 turned to the Child and asked him to repeat what he had said. Wide-eyed,
10956 the Child raised his voice and said once again, "Why, the Emperor has no
10957 clothes! He is naked!"
10958 -- "The Emperor's New Clothes"
10960 And the French medical anatomist Etienne Serres really did argue that
10961 black males are primitive because the distance between their navel and
10962 penis remains small (relative to body height) throughout life, while
10963 white children begin with a small separation but increase it during
10964 growth -- the rising belly button as a mark of progress.
10965 -- S. J. Gould, "Racism and Recapitulation"
10967 And the silence came surging softly backwards
10968 When the plunging hooves were gone...
10969 -- Walter de La Mare, "The Listeners"
10971 And they shall beat their swords into plowshares, for if you hit a man
10972 with a plowshare, he's going to know he's been hit.
10974 And this is a table ma'am. What in essence it consists of is a
10975 horizontal rectilinear plane surface maintained by four vertical
10976 columnar supports, which we call legs. The tables in this laboratory,
10977 ma'am, are as advanced in design as one will find anywhere in the
10979 -- Michael Frayn, "The Tin Men"
10981 And this is good old Boston,
10982 The home of the bean and the cod,
10983 Where the Lowells talk only to Cabots,
10984 And the Cabots talk only to God.
10986 And tomorrow will be like today, only more so.
10987 -- Isaiah 56:12, New Standard Version
10989 And we heard him exclaim
10990 As he started to roam:
10991 "I'm a hologram, kids,
10992 please don't try this at home!'"
10995 And what accomplished villains these old engineers were! What diabolical
10996 ways to sabotage they found! Nikolai Karlovich von Meck, of the People's
10997 Commissariat of Railroads ... would hold forth for hours on end about the
10998 economic problems involved in the construction of socialism, and he loved to
10999 give advice. One such pernicious piece of advice was to increase the size
11000 of freight trains and not worry about heavier than average loads. The GPU
11001 exposed van Meck, and he was shot: his objective had been to wear out rails
11002 and roadbeds, freight cars and locomotives, so as to leave the Republic
11003 without railroads in case of foreign military intervention! When, not long
11004 afterward, the new People's Commissar of Railroads ordered that average
11005 loads should be increased, and even doubled and tripled them, the malicious
11006 engineers who protested became known as limiters ... they were rightly
11007 shot for their lack of faith in the possibilities of socialist transport.
11008 -- Aleksandr I. Solzhenitsyn, "The Gulag Archipelago"
11010 And... What in the world ever became of Sweet Jane?
11011 She's lost her sparkle, you see she isn't the same.
11012 Livin' on reds, vitamin C, and cocaine
11013 All a friend can say is "Ain't it a shame?"
11014 -- The Grateful Dead
11016 And yet I should have dearly liked, I own, to have touched her lips; to
11017 have questioned her, that she might have opened them; to have looked upon
11018 the lashes of her downcast eyes, and never raised a blush; to have let
11019 loose waves of hair, an inch of which would be a keepsake beyond price:
11020 in short, I should have liked, I do confess, to have had the lightest
11021 license of a child, and yet been man enough to know its value.
11024 And yet, seasons must be taken with a grain of salt, for they too have
11025 a sense of humor, as does history. Corn stalks comedy, comedy stalks
11026 tragedy, and this too is historic. And yet, still, when corn meets
11027 tragedy face to face, we have politics.
11028 -- Dalglish, Larsen and Sutherland,
11029 "Root Crops and Ground Cover"
11031 And you can't get any Watney's Red Barrel,
11032 because the bars close every time you're thirsty...
11034 "And, you know, I mustn't preach to you, but surely it wouldn't be right for
11035 you to take away people's pleasure of studying your attire, by just going
11036 and making yourself like everybody else. You feel that, don't you?" said
11038 -- William Morris, "Notes from Nowhere"
11040 Andrea: Unhappy the land that has no heroes.
11041 Galileo: No, unhappy the land that _____
\b\b\b\b\bneeds heroes.
11042 -- Bertolt Brecht, "Life of Galileo"
11044 Andrea's Admonition:
11045 Never bestow profanity upon a driver who has wronged you.
11046 If you think his window is closed and he can't hear you,
11047 it isn't and he can.
11052 Angels we have heard on High
11053 Tell us to go out and Buy.
11056 Anger is momentary madness.
11059 Anger kills as surely as the other vices.
11061 Animals can be driven crazy by putting too many in too small a pen.
11062 Homo sapiens is the only animal that voluntarily does this to himself.
11065 Ankh if you love Isis.
11067 Announcing the NEW VAX 11/782!!
11069 Be the envy of other major Communist Governments!
11071 Defend yourself against the entire ICBM force of the imperialist USA with
11072 just one of the processors, at the same time you're designing missile ICs,
11073 cracking secret NATO codes and editing propaganda for your own people all
11074 at the same time with the other! (Well, you really can't, but the Americans
11075 think you can, and that's the point, right?)
11078 To grease a king or other great functionary already
11079 sufficiently slippery.
11080 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
11082 Another day, another dollar.
11083 -- Vincent J. Fuller, defense lawyer for John Hinckley,
11084 upon Hinckley's acquittal for shooting President Ronald
11087 Another good night not to sleep in a eucalyptus tree.
11089 Another megabytes the dust.
11091 Another possible source of guidance for teenagers is television, but
11092 television's message has always been that the need for truth, wisdom
11093 and world peace pales by comparison with the need for a toothpaste that
11094 offers whiter teeth *___
\b\b\band* fresher breath.
11095 -- Dave Barry, "Kids Today: They Don't Know Dum Diddly
11098 Another such victory over the Romans, and we are undone.
11101 Answer a fool according to his folly, lest he be wise in his own conceit.
11104 Anthony's Law of Force:
11105 Don't force it; get a larger hammer.
11107 Anthony's Law of the Workshop:
11108 Any tool when dropped, will roll into the least accessible
11109 corner of the workshop.
11112 On the way to the corner, any dropped tool will first strike
11115 Antique fairy tale: Little Red Riding Hood.
11116 Modern fairy tale: Oswald, acting alone, shot Kennedy.
11118 Anti-trust laws should be approached with exactly that attitude.
11121 Was tired of living alonio
11122 He thought he would woo Antonio Antonio
11123 Miss Lucamy Lu, Rode of on his polo ponio
11124 Miss Lucamy Lucy Molonio. And found the maid
11126 Sitting and knitting alonio.
11128 Said if you will be my ownio
11129 I'll love tou true Oh nonio Antonio
11130 And buy for you You're far too bleak and bonio
11131 An icery creamry conio. And all that I wish
11133 Is that you will quickly begonio.
11135 Uttered a dismal moanio
11136 And went off and hid
11137 Or I'm told that he did
11138 In the Antartical Zonio.
11141 The opposite of the word you're trying to think of.
11143 Anxious after the delay, Gruber doesn't waste any time getting the Koenig
11144 [a modified Porsche] up to speed, and almost immediately we are blowing off
11145 Alfas, Fiats, and Lancias full of excited Italians. These people love fast
11146 cars. But they love sport too and no passing encounter goes unchallenged.
11147 Nothing serious, just two wheels into your lane as you're bearing down on
11148 them at 130-plus -- to see if you're paying attention.
11149 -- Road & Track article about driving two absurdly fast
11150 cars across Europe.
11152 Any circuit design must contain at least one part which is obsolete, two parts
11153 which are unobtainable, and three parts which are still under development.
11155 Any clod can have the facts, but having opinions is an art.
11158 Any coward can sit in his home and criticize a pilot for flying into a
11159 mountain in a fog. But I would rather, by far, die on a mountainside
11160 than in bed. What kind of man would live where there is no daring?
11161 And is life so dear that we should blame men for dying in adventure?
11162 Is there a better way to die?
11163 -- Charles Lindbergh
11165 Any dramatic series the producers want us to take seriously as a
11166 representation of contemporary reality cannot be taken seriously as a
11167 representation of anything -- except a show to be ignored by anyone
11168 capable of sitting upright in a chair and chewing gum simultaneously.
11169 -- Richard Schickel
11171 Any excuse will serve a tyrant.
11174 Any father who thinks he's all important should remind himself that
11175 this country honors fathers only one day a year while pickles get a
11178 Any fool can paint a picture, but it takes a wise person to be able to
11181 Any fool can tell the truth, but it requires a man of sense to know
11185 Any girl can be glamorous; all you have to do is stand still and look
11189 Any given program, when running, is obsolete.
11191 Any given program will expand to fill available memory.
11193 Any great truth can -- and eventually will -- be expressed as a cliche
11194 -- a cliche is a sure and certain way to dilute an idea. For instance,
11195 my grandmother used to say, "The black cat is always the last one off
11196 the fence." I have no idea what she meant, but at one time, it was
11200 Any instrument when dropped will roll into the least accessible corner.
11202 Any man can work when every stroke of his hand brings down the fruit
11203 rattling from the tree to the ground; but to labor in season and out
11204 of season, under every discouragement, by the power of truth -- that
11205 requires a heroism which is transcendent.
11206 -- Henry Ward Beecher
11208 Any man who hates dogs and babies can't be all bad.
11209 -- Leo Rosten, on W. C. Fields
11211 Any member introducing a dog into the Society's premises shall be
11212 liable to a fine of one pound. Any animal leading a blind person shall
11213 be deemed to be a cat.
11214 -- Rule 46, Oxford Union Society, London
11216 "Any news from the President on a successor?" he asked hopefully.
11217 "None," Anita replied. "She's having great difficulty finding someone
11218 qualified who is willing to accept the post."
11219 "Then I stay," said Dr. Fresh. "I'm not good for much, but I
11220 can at least make a decision."
11221 "Somewhere," he grumphed, "there must be a naive, opportunistic
11222 young whelp with a masochistic streak who would like to run the most
11223 up-and-down bureaucracy in the history of mankind."
11224 -- R. L. Forward, "Flight of the Dragonfly"
11226 Any philosophy that can be put in a nutshell belongs there.
11227 -- Sydney J. Harris
11229 Any president should have the right to shoot
11230 at least two people a year without explanation.
11231 -- Herbert Hoover, discussing the press
11233 Any priest or shaman must be presumed guilty until proved innocent.
11236 Any program which runs right is obsolete.
11238 Any programming language is at its best before it is implemented and used.
11240 Any road followed to its end leads precisely nowhere.
11241 Climb the mountain just a little to test it's a mountain.
11242 From the top of the mountain, you cannot see the mountain.
11243 -- Bene Gesserit proverb, "Dune"
11245 Any small object that is accidentally dropped will hide under a larger
11248 Any stone in your boot always migrates against the pressure gradient to
11249 exactly the point of most pressure.
11252 Any sufficiently advanced bug becomes a feature.
11254 Any sufficiently advanced bug is indistinguishable from a feature.
11257 Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from a rigged
11260 Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.
11261 -- Arthur C. Clarke
11263 Any time things appear to be going better, you have overlooked
11266 Any two philosophers can tell each other all they know in two hours.
11267 -- Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.
11269 Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry.
11271 Anybody has a right to evade taxes if he can get away with it. No citizen
11272 has a moral obligation to assist in maintaining his government.
11275 Anybody that wants the presidency so much that he'll spend two years
11276 organizing and campaigning for it is not to be trusted with the office.
11279 Anybody who doesn't cut his speed at the
11280 sight of a police car is probably parked.
11282 Anybody with money to burn will easily find someone to tend the fire.
11284 Anyone can become angry -- that is easy; but to be angry with the right
11285 person, to the right degree, at the right time, for the right purpose
11286 and in the right way -- that is not easy.
11289 Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is
11290 supposed to be doing at the moment.
11293 Anyone can hold the helm when the sea is calm.
11296 Anyone can make an omelet with eggs. The trick is to make one with
11299 Anyone can say "no." It is the first word a child learns and often the
11300 first word he speaks. It is a cheap word because it requires no
11301 explanation, and many men and women have acquired a reputation for
11302 intelligence who know only this word and have used it in place of
11303 thought on every occasion.
11304 -- Chuck Jones (Warner Bros. animation director.)
11306 Anyone stupid enough to be caught by the police is probably guilty.
11308 Anyone who cannot cope with mathematics is not fully human. At best he
11309 is a tolerable subhuman who has learned to wear shoes, bathe and not
11310 make messes in the house.
11311 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
11313 Anyone who considers protocol unimportant has never dealt with a cat.
11314 -- Robert A. Heinlein
11316 Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined.
11319 Anyone who has attended a USENIX conference in a fancy hotel can tell you
11320 that a sentence like "You're one of those computer people, aren't you?"
11321 is roughly equivalent to "Look, another amazingly mobile form of slime
11322 mold!" in the mouth of a hotel cocktail waitress.
11323 -- Elizabeth Zwicky
11325 Anyone who has had a bull by the tail
11326 knows five or six more things than someone who hasn't.
11329 Anyone who hates Dogs and Kids Can't be All Bad.
11332 Anyone who imagines that all fruits ripen at the same time
11333 as the strawberries, knows nothing about grapes.
11334 -- Philippus Paracelsus
11336 Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President
11337 should on no account be allowed to do the job.
11338 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
11340 Anyone who knows history, particularly the history of Europe, will, I think,
11341 recognize that the domination of education or of government by any one
11342 particular religious faith is never a happy arrangement for the people.
11343 -- Eleanor Roosevelt
11345 Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
11348 Anyone who uses the phrase "easy as taking candy from a baby" has never
11349 tried taking candy from a baby.
11352 Anything anybody can say about America is true.
11355 Anything cut to length will be too short.
11357 Anything free is worth what you pay for it.
11359 Anything is good if it's made of chocolate.
11361 Anything is possible on paper.
11364 Anything is possible, unless it's not.
11366 Anything labeled "NEW" and/or "IMPROVED" isn't. The label means the
11367 price went up. The label "ALL NEW", "COMPLETELY NEW", or "GREAT NEW"
11368 means the price went way up.
11370 Anything that is good and useful is made of chocolate.
11372 Anything that is worth doing has been done frequently. Things hitherto
11373 undone should be given, I suspect, a wide berth.
11374 -- Max Beerbohm, "Mainly on the Air"
11376 Anything worth doing is worth overdoing.
11378 Anytime things appear to be going better, you've overlooked something.
11380 Anyway, I keep picturing all these little kids playing some game in this
11381 big field of rye and all. Thousands of little kids, and nobody's around --
11382 nobody big, I mean -- except me. And I'm standing on the edge of some crazy
11383 cliff. What I have to do, I have to catch everybody if they start to go
11384 over the cliff -- I mean if they're running and they don't look where they're
11385 going I have to come out from somewhere and catch them. That's all I'd do
11386 all day. I'd just be the catcher in the rye. I know it; I know it's crazy,
11387 but that's the only thing I'd really like to be. I know it's crazy.
11388 -- J. D. Salinger, "Catcher in the Rye"
11390 Apathy Club meeting this Friday.
11391 If you want to come, you're not invited.
11393 Apathy is not the problem, it's the solution.
11396 Loss of speech in social scientists when asked
11397 at parties, "But of what use is your research?"
11400 A concise, clever statement.
11402 A concise, clever statement you don't think of until too late.
11403 -- James Alexander Thom
11405 APL hackers do it in the quad.
11407 APL is a mistake, carried through to perfection. It is the language of
11408 the future for the problems of the past: it creates a new generation of
11410 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5
11412 APL is a natural extension of assembler language programming;
11413 ...and is best for educational purposes.
11416 APL is a write-only language. I can write programs in APL, but I
11417 can't read any of them.
11420 Appearances often are deceiving.
11424 A portion of a book, for which nobody yet has discovered any use.
11427 The echo of a platitude from the mouth of a fool.
11428 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
11430 April is the cruelest month...
11431 -- Thomas Stearns Eliot
11433 Aquadextrous, adj.:
11434 Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off
11436 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
11438 AQUARIUS (Jan 20 - Feb 18)
11439 You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive.
11440 You lie a great deal. On the other hand, you are inclined to
11441 be careless and impractical, causing you to make the same
11442 mistakes over and over again. People think you are stupid.
11444 AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 to Feb. 18)
11445 A friend will step forward and confide in you about your breath. Rely
11446 on your outgoing personality and winning smile to get you into a lot
11447 of trouble. Be relaxed, things will change. Look for a pink slip on
11448 payday. Stop wetting your bed.
11450 AQUARIUS (Jan.20 - Feb.18)
11451 You are the type of person who never has enough money to do what
11452 you want. Don't expect things to get any better today, either.
11453 As a matter of fact they might get worse. Intensify your
11454 relationship with your bank and any friends you have who might be
11455 able to lend you a few bucks.
11457 Aquavit is also considered useful for medicinal purposes, an essential
11458 ingredient in what I was once told is the Norwegian cure for the common
11459 cold. You get a bottle, a poster bed, and the brightest colored stocking
11460 cap you can find. You put the cap on the post at the foot of the bed,
11461 then get into bed and drink aquavit until you can't see the cap. I've
11462 never tried this, but it sounds as though it should work.
11465 Arbitrary systems, pl.n.:
11466 Systems about which nothing general can be said, save "nothing
11467 general can be said."
11469 ARCHDUKE FERDINAND FOUND ALIVE --
11470 FIRST WORLD WAR A MISTAKE
11474 Are we running light with overbyte?
11477 In the year 584, in Lyon, France, 43 Catholic bishops and 20 men
11478 representing other bishops, after a lengthy debate, took a vote.
11479 The results were 32 yes, 31 no. Women were declared human by one
11482 Are you a parent? Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to
11483 say in those awkward situations? Worry no more...
11485 Are you sure you're telling the truth? Think hard.
11486 Does it make you happy to know you're sending me to an early grave?
11487 If all your friends jumped off the cliff, would you jump too?
11488 Do you feel bad? How do you think I feel?
11489 Aren't you ashamed of yourself?
11490 Don't you know any better?
11491 How could you be so stupid?
11492 If that's the worst pain you'll ever feel, you should be thankful.
11493 You can't fool me. I know what you're thinking.
11494 If you can't say anything nice, say nothing at all.
11496 Are you a parent? Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to
11497 say in those awkward situations? Worry no more...
11499 Do as I say, not as I do.
11500 Do me a favour and don't tell me about it. I don't want to know.
11501 What did you do *this* time?
11502 If it didn't taste bad, it wouldn't be good for you.
11503 When I was your age...
11504 I won't love you if you keep doing that.
11505 Think of all the starving children in India.
11506 If there's one thing I hate, it's a liar.
11507 I'm going to kill you.
11509 If you don't like it, you can lump it.
11511 Are you a parent? Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to
11512 say in those awkward situations? Worry no more...
11514 Go away. You bother me.
11515 Why? Because life is unfair.
11516 That's a nice drawing. What is it?
11517 Children should be seen and not heard.
11518 You'll be the death of me.
11519 You'll understand when you're older.
11521 Wipe that smile off your face.
11522 I don't believe you.
11523 How many times have I told you to be careful?
11526 Are you a parent? Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to
11527 say in those awkward situations? Worry no more...
11529 Good children always obey.
11530 Quit acting so childish.
11532 If you keep making faces, someday it'll freeze that way.
11533 Why do you have to know so much?
11534 This hurts me more than it hurts you.
11535 Why? Because I'm bigger than you.
11536 Well, you've ruined everything. Now are you happy?
11538 I'm only doing this because I love you.
11540 Are you a parent? Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to
11541 say in those awkward situations? Worry no more...
11543 When are you going to grow up?
11544 I'm only doing this for your own good.
11545 Why are you crying? Stop crying, or I'll give you something to
11547 What's wrong with you?
11548 Someday you'll thank me for this.
11549 You'd lose your head if it weren't attached.
11550 Don't you have any sense at all?
11551 If you keep sucking your thumb, it'll fall off.
11552 Why? Because I said so.
11553 I hope you have a kid just like yourself.
11555 Are you a parent? Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to
11556 say in those awkward situations? Worry no more...
11558 You wouldn't understand.
11559 You ask too many questions.
11560 In order to be a man, you have to learn to follow orders.
11561 That's for me to know and you to find out.
11562 Don't let those bullies push you around. Go in there and stick
11564 You're acting too big for your britches.
11565 Well, you broke it. Now are you satisfied?
11566 Wait till your father gets home.
11567 Bored? If you're bored, I've got some chores for you.
11568 Shape up or ship out.
11572 Are you making all this up as you go along?
11574 "Are you police officers?"
11575 "No, ma'am. We're musicians."
11576 -- The Blues Brothers
11578 Are you sure the back door is locked?
11580 "Are you sure you're not an encyclopedia salesman?"
11581 No, Ma'am. Just a burglar, come to ransack the flat."
11584 Are your glasses mended with a strip of masking tape right over your nose?
11585 Do you put pennies in the slots in your penny loafers?
11586 Does your bow-tie flash "hey you kid" in red neon at parties?
11587 Do you think pizza before noon is unhealthy?
11588 Do you use the "greasy kid's stuff" to stick down your cowlick?
11589 Do you wear a "nerd-pack" in your shirt pocket to keep the dozen
11590 or so pencils from marking the cloth?
11591 Do you think Mary Jane is somebody's name?
11592 Is illegal fishing something only a daring criminal would do?
11593 Is Batman your hero? Superman? Green Lantern? The Shadow?
11594 Do you think girls who kiss on the first date are loose?
11596 Rate yourself on the nerd-o-matic scale. (1 point for each YES answer)
11597 0-2 -- You are really hip, a real cool cat, a hoopy frood.
11598 3-5 -- There is hope for you yet.
11599 6-7 -- Uh-oh, trouble in River City.
11600 8-10 -- Your immortal soul is in peril.
11601 11+ -- Does suicide seem attractive?
11603 Argue for your limitations, and sure enough, they're yours.
11604 -- Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul
11606 Arguments are extremely vulgar, for everyone
11607 in good society holds exactly the same opinion.
11610 Arguments with furniture are rarely productive.
11611 -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
11613 ARIES (Mar 21 - Apr 19)
11614 You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt. You
11615 are quick tempered, impatient, and scornful of advice. You are
11618 ARIES (Mar.21 - Apr.19)
11619 You are a wonderfully interesting, honest, hard-working person
11620 and you should make many new friends, but you won't because you've
11621 got a mean streak in you a mile wide.
11624 An obscure art no longer practiced in
11625 the world's developed countries.
11627 Arithmetic is being able to count up to twenty without taking off your
11632 To provide weapons to a Spanish pickle.
11634 Armenians and Azerbaijanis in Stepanakert, capital of the Nagorno-Karabakh
11635 autonomous region, rioted over much needed spelling reform in the Soviet
11640 Virtue is the failure to achieve vice.
11642 Armstrong's Collection Law:
11643 If the check is truly in the mail,
11644 it is surely made out to someone else.
11647 Anything not fitting into these categories causes cancer in rats.
11649 Arnold's Laws of Documentation:
11650 (1) If it should exist, it doesn't.
11651 (2) If it does exist, it's out of date.
11652 (3) Only documentation for useless programs transcends the
11655 Around computers it is difficult to find the correct unit of time to
11656 measure progress. Some cathedrals took a century to complete. Can you
11657 imagine the grandeur and scope of a program that would take as long?
11658 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
11660 Around the turn of this century, a composer named Camille Saint-Saens wrote
11661 a satirical zoological-fantasy called "Le Carnaval des Animaux." Aside from
11662 one movement of this piece, "The Swan", Saint-Saens didn't allow this work
11663 to be published or even performed until a year had elapsed after his death.
11665 Most of us know the "Swan" movement rather well, with its smooth,
11666 flowing cello melody against a calm background; but I've been having this
11668 What if he had written this piece with lyrics, as a song to be sung?
11669 And, further, what if he had accompanied this song with a musical saw? (This
11670 instrument really does exist, often played by percussionists!) Then the
11671 piece would be better known as:
11672 SAINT-SAENS' SAW SONG "SWAN"!
11674 Arrakis teaches the attitude of the knife - chopping off what's
11675 incomplete and saying: "Now it's complete because it's ended here."
11676 -- Muad'dib, "Dune"
11678 Art is a jealous mistress.
11679 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
11681 Art is a lie which makes us realize the truth.
11684 Art is anything you can get away with.
11685 -- Marshall McLuhan
11687 Art is either plagiarism or revolution.
11690 Art is Nature speeded up and God slowed down.
11693 "Art" is the ability to separate the significant from the insignificant.
11694 -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967)
11696 Art is the tree of life. Science is the tree of death.
11698 Arthur's Laws of Love:
11699 (1) People to whom you are attracted invariably think you
11700 remind them of someone else.
11701 (2) The love letter you finally got the courage to send will be
11702 delayed in the mail long enough for you to make a fool of
11703 yourself in person.
11706 Where a crime of the kidneys has been committed, the accused should
11707 enjoy the right to a speedy diaper change. Public announcements and
11708 guided tours of the aforementioned are not necessary.
11709 Article the Fourth:
11710 The decision to eat strained lamb or not should be with the "feedee"
11711 and not the "feeder". Blowing the strained lamb into the feeder's
11712 face should be accepted as an opinion, not as a declaration of war.
11714 Babies should enjoy the freedom to vocalize, whether it be in church,
11715 a public meeting place, during a movie, or after hours when the
11716 lights are out. They have not yet learned that joy and laughter have
11717 to last a lifetime and must be conserved.
11718 -- Erma Bombeck, "A Baby's Bill of Rights"
11720 Artificial intelligence has the same relation to intelligence as
11721 artificial flowers have to flowers.
11724 Artistic ventures highlighted. Rob a museum.
11726 As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
11728 As a professional humorist, I often get letters from readers who are
11729 interested in the basic nature of humor. "What kind of a sick
11730 perverted disgusting person are you," these letters typically ask,
11731 "that you make jokes about setting fire to a goat?" ...
11732 -- Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny"
11734 As an adolescent I aspired to lasting fame, I craved factual
11735 certainty, and I thirsted for a meaningful vision of human life -- so I
11736 became a scientist. This is like becoming an archbishop so you can
11740 As an Englishman, an Aussie and a Scotsman are sitting in a pub, quaffing
11741 a few, three flies buzz down from the ceiling and lazily circle each drinker.
11742 Suddenly "buzzzzzzzzplooop", each fly does a kamakazi dive into a different
11744 The Englishman take a disgusted look at his pint, dips the fly out
11745 with a spoon, flicks the fly over his shoulder, and drains the glass.
11746 The Aussie notices the fly as he puts the glass to his lips. With
11747 a quick puff he blows the bug out in a cloud of foam, and tosses the beer
11749 Then, as they both look on, awestruck, the Scotsman gently grasps the
11750 fly by its wings, lifts it out of his brew and shakes it off. Then, in a
11751 firm voice he speaks to the fly: "There y'are now laddie, safe and sound.
11752 NOW SPIT IT OOOOT!"
11754 As crazy as hauling timber into the woods.
11755 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
11757 As failures go, attempting to recall the past is like trying to grasp
11758 the meaning of existence. Both make one feel like a baby clutching at
11759 a basketball: one's palms keep sliding off.
11762 As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not
11763 certain, and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality.
11766 As far as we know, our computer has never had an undetected error.
11769 As flies to wanton boys are we to the gods; they kill us for their sport.
11770 -- William Shakespeare, "King Lear"
11772 As for the women, though we scorn and flout 'em,
11773 We may live with, but cannot live without 'em.
11774 -- Frederic Reynolds
11776 As Gen. de Gaulle occasionally acknowledges America to be the daughter
11777 of Europe, so I am pleased to come to Yale, the daughter of Harvard.
11780 As goatherd learns his trade by goat, so writer learns his trade by wrote.
11782 As he had feared, his orders had been forgotten and everyone had brought
11785 As I argued in "Beloved Son", a book about my son Brian and the subject of
11786 religious communes and cults, one result of proper early instruction in the
11787 methods of rational thought will be to make sudden mindless conversions --
11788 to anything -- less likely. Brian now realizes this and has, after eleven
11789 years, left the sect he was associated with. The problem is that once the
11790 untrained mind has made a formal commitment to a religious philosophy --
11791 and it does not matter whether that philosophy is generally reasonable and
11792 high-minded or utterly bizarre and irrational -- the powers of reason are
11793 surprisingly ineffective in changing the believer's mind.
11796 As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very
11797 pleasurable - until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all, but A HUMAN HEAD!!
11800 As I thought, no better from this side.
11803 As I was going up Punch Card Hill,
11804 Feeling worse and worser,
11805 There I met a C.R.T.
11806 And it drop't me a cursor.
11809 Phosphors light on you!
11810 If I had fifty hours a day
11811 I'd spend them all at you.
11812 -- Uncle Colonel's Cursory Rhymes
11814 As I was passing Project MAC,
11815 I met a Quux with seven hacks.
11816 Every hack had seven bugs;
11817 Every bug had seven manifestations;
11818 Every manifestation had seven symptoms.
11819 Symptoms, manifestations, bugs, and hacks,
11820 How many losses at Project MAC?
11822 As I was walking down the street one dark and dreary day,
11823 I came upon a billboard and much to my dismay,
11824 The words were torn and tattered,
11825 From the storm the night before,
11826 The wind and rain had done its work and this is how it goes,
11828 Smoke Coca-Cola cigarettes, chew Wrigleys Spearmint beer,
11829 Ken-L-Ration dog food makes your complexion clear,
11830 Simonize your baby in a Hershey candy bar,
11831 And Texaco's a beauty cream that's used by every star.
11833 Take your next vacation in a brand new Frigidaire,
11834 Learn to play the piano in your winter underwear,
11835 Doctors say that babies should smoke until they're three,
11836 And people over sixty-five should bathe in Lipton tea.
11838 As in certain cults it is possible to
11839 kill a process if you know its true name.
11840 -- Ken Thompson and Dennis M. Ritchie
11842 As in Protestant Europe, by contrast, where sects divided endlessly into
11843 smaller competing sects and no church dominated any other, all is different
11844 in the fragmented world of IBM. That realm is now a chaos of conflicting
11845 norms and standards that not even IBM can hope to control. You can buy a
11846 computer that works like an IBM machine but contains nothing made or sold by
11847 IBM itself. Renegades from IBM constantly set up rival firms and establish
11848 standards of their own. When IBM recently abandoned some of its original
11849 standards and decreed new ones, many of its rivals declared a puritan
11850 allegiance to IBM's original faith, and denounced the company as a divisive
11851 innovator. Still, the IBM world is united by its distrust of icons and
11852 imagery. IBM's screens are designed for language, not pictures. Graven
11853 images may be tolerated by the luxurious cults, but the true IBM faith relies
11854 on the austerity of the word.
11855 -- Edward Mendelson, "The New Republic", February 22, 1988
11857 As long as I am mayor of this city [Jersey City, New Jersey] the great
11858 industries are secure. We hear about constitutional rights, free
11859 speech and the free press. Every time I hear these words I say to
11860 myself, "That man is a Red, that man is a Communist". You never hear a
11861 real American talk like that.
11862 -- Frank Hague (1896-1956)
11864 As long as the answer is right, who cares if the question is wrong?
11866 As long as there are ill-defined goals, bizarre bugs, and unrealistic
11867 schedules, there will be Real Programmers willing to jump in and Solve
11868 The Problem, saving the documentation for later.
11870 As long as war is regarded as wicked, it will always have its
11871 fascination. When it is looked upon as vulgar, it will cease to be
11873 -- Oscar Wilde, "Intentions"
11875 As many of you know, I am taking a class here at UNC on Personality.
11876 One of the tests to determine personality in our book was so incredibly
11877 useful and interesting, I just had to share it.
11879 Answer each of the following items "true" or "false"
11881 1. I salivate at the sight of mittens.
11882 2. If I go into the street, I'm apt to be bitten by a horse.
11883 3. Some people never look at me.
11884 4. Spinach makes me feel alone.
11885 5. My sex life is A-okay.
11886 6. When I look down from a high spot, I want to spit.
11887 7. I like to kill mosquitoes.
11888 8. Cousins are not to be trusted.
11889 9. It makes me embarrassed to fall down.
11890 10. I get nauseous from too much roller skating.
11891 11. I think most people would cry to gain a point.
11892 12. I cannot read or write.
11893 13. I am bored by thoughts of death.
11894 14. I become homicidal when people try to reason with me.
11895 15. I would enjoy the work of a chicken flicker.
11896 16. I am never startled by a fish.
11897 17. My mother's uncle was a good man.
11898 18. I don't like it when somebody is rotten.
11899 19. People who break the law are wise guys.
11900 20. I have never gone to pieces over the weekend.
11902 As many of you know, I am taking a class here at UNC on Personality.
11903 One of the tests to determine personality in our book was so incredibly
11904 useful and interesting, I just had to share it.
11906 Answer each of the following items "true" or "false"
11908 1. I think beavers work too hard.
11909 2. I use shoe polish to excess.
11911 4. I like mannish children.
11912 5. I have always been disturbed by the sight of Lincoln's ears.
11913 6. I always let people get ahead of me at swimming pools.
11914 7. Most of the time I go to sleep without saying goodbye.
11915 8. I am not afraid of picking up door knobs.
11916 9. I believe I smell as good as most people.
11917 10. Frantic screams make me nervous.
11918 11. It's hard for me to say the right thing when I find myself in a room
11920 12. I would never tell my nickname in a crisis.
11921 13. A wide necktie is a sign of disease.
11922 14. As a child I was deprived of licorice.
11923 15. I would never shake hands with a gardener.
11924 16. My eyes are always cold.
11925 17. Cousins are not to be trusted.
11926 18. When I look down from a high spot, I want to spit.
11927 19. I am never startled by a fish.
11928 20. I have never gone to pieces over the weekend.
11930 As me an' me marrer was readin' a tyape,
11931 The tyape gave a shriek mark an' tried tae escyape;
11932 It skipped ower the gyate tae the end of the field,
11933 An' jigged oot the room wi' a spool an' a reel!
11934 Follow the leader, Johnny me laddie,
11935 Follow it through, me canny lad O;
11936 Follow the transport, Johnny me laddie,
11937 Away, lad, lie away, canny lad O!
11938 -- S. Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
11940 As of next Thursday, UNIX will be flushed in favor of TOPS-10.
11941 Please update your programs.
11943 As of next Tuesday, C will be flushed in favor of COBOL.
11944 Please update your programs.
11946 As of next week, passwords will be entered in Morse code.
11948 As part of an ongoing effort to keep you, the Fortune reader, abreast of
11949 the valuable information the daily crosses the USENET, Fortune presents:
11951 News articles that answer *your* questions, #1:
11953 Newsgroups: comp.sources.d
11954 Subject: how do I run C code received from sources
11955 Keywords: C sources
11958 I do not know how to run the C programs that are posted in the
11959 sources newsgroup. I save the files, edit them to remove the
11960 headers, and change the mode so that they are executable, but I
11961 cannot get them to run. (I have never written a C program before.)
11963 Must they be compiled? With what compiler? How do I do this? If
11964 I compile them, is an object code file generated or must I generate
11965 it explicitly with the > character? Is there something else that
11968 As part of the conversion, computer specialists rewrote 1,500 programs;
11969 a process that traditionally requires some debugging.
11970 -- USA Today, referring to the IRS switchover to a new
11973 As some day it may happen that a victim must be found
11974 I've got a little list -- I've got a little list
11975 Of society offenders who might well be underground
11976 And who never would be missed -- who never would be missed.
11977 -- Koko, "The Mikado"
11979 As soon as we started programming, we found to our surprise that it
11980 wasn't as easy to get programs right as we had thought. Debugging had
11981 to be discovered. I can remember the exact instant when I realized
11982 that a large part of my life from then on was going to be spent in
11983 finding mistakes in my own programs.
11984 -- Maurice Wilkes discovers debugging, 1949
11986 As the poet said, "Only God can make a tree" -- probably because it's
11987 so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
11990 As the system comes up, the component builders will from time to time appear,
11991 bearing hot new versions of their pieces -- faster, smaller, more complete,
11992 or putatively less buggy. The replacement of a working component by a new
11993 version requires the same systematic testing procedure that adding a new
11994 component does, although it should require less time, for more complete and
11995 efficient test cases will usually be available.
11996 -- Frederick Brooks Jr., "The Mythical Man-Month"
11998 As the trials of life continue to take their toll, remember that there
11999 is always a future in Computer Maintenance.
12000 -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
12002 As to Jesus of Nazareth... I think the system of Morals and his Religion,
12003 as he left them to us, the best the World ever saw or is likely to see;
12004 but I apprehend it has received various corrupting Changes, and I have,
12005 with most of the present Dissenters in England, some doubts as to his
12007 -- Benjamin Franklin
12009 As well look for a needle in a bottle of hay.
12010 -- Miguel de Cervantes
12012 As Will Rogers would have said, "There is no such thing as a free
12015 As with most fine things, chocolate has its season. There is a simple
12016 memory aid that you can use to determine whether it is the correct time
12017 to order chocolate dishes: any month whose name contains the letter A,
12018 E, or U is the proper time for chocolate.
12019 -- Sandra Boynton, "Chocolate: The Consuming Passion"
12021 As you grow older, you will still do foolish things,
12022 but you will do them with much more enthusiasm.
12025 As you know, birds do not have sexual organs because they would
12026 interfere with flight. [In fact, this was the big breakthrough for the
12027 Wright Brothers. They were watching birds one day, trying to figure
12028 out how to get their crude machine to fly, when suddenly it dawned on
12029 Wilbur. "Orville," he said, "all we have to do is remove the sexual
12030 organs!" You should have seen their original design.] As a result,
12031 birds are very, very difficult to arouse sexually. You almost never
12032 see an aroused bird. So when they want to reproduce, birds fly up and
12033 stand on telephone lines, where they monitor telephone conversations
12034 with their feet. When they find a conversation in which people are
12035 talking dirty, they grip the line very tightly until they are both
12036 highly aroused, at which point the female gets pregnant.
12037 -- Dave Barry, "Sex and the Single Amoeba: What Every
12040 As you reach for the web, a venomous spider appears. Unable to pull
12041 your hand away in time, the spider promptly, but politely, bites you.
12042 The venom takes affect quickly causing your lips to turn plaid along
12043 with your complexion. You become dazed, and in your stupor you fall
12044 from the limbs of the tree. Snap! Your head falls off and rolls all
12045 over the ground. The instant before you croak, you hear the whoosh of
12046 a vacuum being filled by the air surrounding your head. Worse yet, the
12047 spider is suing you for damages.
12049 As you will see, I told them, in no uncertain terms, to see Figure one.
12050 -- Dave "First Strike" Pare
12052 As Zeus said to Narcissus, "Watch yourself."
12055 The control code for all beginning programmers and those who would
12056 become computer literate. Etymologically, the term has come down as
12057 a contraction of the often-repeated phrase "ascii and you shall
12061 ASCII a stupid question, you get an EBCDIC answer.
12063 ASHes to ASHes, DOS to DOS.
12065 Ashes to ashes, dust to dust,
12066 If God won't have you, the devil must.
12068 Ask five economists and you'll get five different explanations (six if
12069 one went to Harvard).
12070 -- Edgar R. Fiedler
12072 Ask not for whom the Bell tolls, and you
12073 will pay only the station-to-station rate.
12076 Ask not for whom the <CONTROL-G> tolls.
12078 Ask not for whom the telephone bell tolls ...
12079 if thou art in the bathtub, it tolls for thee.
12081 Ask not what's inside your head, but what your head's inside of.
12084 Ask your boss to reconsider -- it's so difficult to take "Go to hell"
12087 Ask yourself whether you are happy and you cease to be so.
12088 -- John Stuart Mill
12090 "Asked by reporters about his upcoming marriage to a forty-two-year-old
12091 woman, director Roman Polanski told reporters, `The way I look at it,
12092 she's the equivalent of three fourteen-year-olds.'"
12095 Asked how she felt being the first woman to make a major-league team, she
12096 said, "Like a pig in mud," or words to that effect, and then turned and
12097 released a squirt of tobacco juice from the wad of rum soaked plug in her
12098 right cheek. She chewed a rare brand of plug called Stuff It, which she
12099 learned to chew when she was playing Nicaraguan summer ball. She told the
12100 writers, "They were so mean to me down there you couldn't write it in your
12101 newspaper. I took a gun everywhere I went, even to bed. *Especially* to
12102 bed. Guys were after me like you can't believe. That's when I started
12103 chewing tobacco -- because no matter how bad anybody treats you, it's not
12104 as bad as this. This is the worst chew in the world. After this,
12105 everything else is peaches and cream." The writers elected Gentleman Jim,
12106 the Sparrow's P.R. guy, to bite off a chunk and tell them how it tasted,
12107 and as he sat and chewed it tears ran down his old sunburnt cheeks and he
12108 couldn't talk for a while. Then he whispered, "You've been chewing this for
12109 two years? God, I had no idea it was so hard to be a woman."
12110 -- Garrison Keillor
12112 Asking a working writer what he thinks about critics is like asking a
12113 lamp-post how it feels about dogs.
12114 -- Christopher Hampton
12117 The masculine of "lass".
12119 Assembly language experience is [important] for the maturity
12120 and understanding of how computers work that it provides.
12123 Associate with well-mannered persons and your manners will improve.
12124 Run with decent folk and your own decent instincts will be
12125 strengthened. Keep the company of bums and you will become a bum.
12126 Hang around with rich people and you will end by picking up the check
12130 Astrology... just a bunch of Taurus.
12132 Asynchronous inputs are at the root of our race problems.
12133 -- D. Winker and F. Prosser
12135 "At a recent meeting in Snowmass, Colorado, a participant from Los
12136 Angeles fainted from hyperoxygenation, and we had to hold his head
12137 under the exhaust of a bus until he revived."
12139 At about 2500 A.D., humankind discovers a computer problem that *must* be
12140 solved. The only difficulty is that the problem is NP complete and will
12141 take thousands of years even with the latest optical biologic technology
12142 available. The best computer scientists sit down to think up some solution.
12143 In great dismay, one of the C.S. people tells her husband about it. There
12144 is only one solution, he says. Remember physics 103, Modern Physics, general
12145 relativity and all. She replies, "What does that have to do with solving
12146 a computer problem?"
12147 "Remember the twin paradox?"
12148 After a few minutes, she says, "I could put the computer on a very
12149 fast machine and the computer would have just a few minutes to calculate but
12150 that is the exact opposite of what we want... Of course! Leave the
12151 computer here, and accelerate the earth!"
12152 The problem was so important that they did exactly that. When
12153 the earth came back, they were presented with the answer:
12155 IEH032 Error in JOB Control Card.
12157 At any given moment, an arrow must be either where it is or where it is
12158 not. But obviously it cannot be where it is not. And if it is where
12159 it is, that is equivalent to saying that it is at rest.
12160 -- Zeno's paradox of the moving (still?) arrow
12162 At ebb tide I wrote a line upon the sand, and gave it all my heart and all
12163 my soul. At flood tide I returned to read what I had inscribed and found my
12164 ignorance upon the shore.
12167 At first, I just did it on weekends. With a few friends, you know...
12168 We never wanted to hurt anyone. The girls loved it. We'd all sit
12169 around the computer and do a little UNIX. It was just a kick. At
12170 least that's what we thought. Then it got worse.
12172 It got so I'd have to do some UNIX during the weekdays. After a
12173 while, I couldn't even wake up in the morning without having that
12174 crave to go do UNIX. Then it started affecting my job. I would just
12175 have to do it during my break. Maybe a `grep' or two, maybe a little
12176 `more'. I eventually started doing UNIX just to get through the day.
12177 Of course, it screwed up my mind so much that I couldn't even
12178 function as a normal person.
12180 I'm lucky today, I've overcome my UNIX problem. It wasn't easy. If
12181 you're smart, just don't start. Remember, if any weirdo offers you
12186 At first sight, the idea of any rules or principles being superimposed on
12187 the creative mind seems more likely to hinder than to help, but this is
12188 quite untrue in practice. Disciplined thinking focuses inspiration rather
12190 -- G. L. Glegg, "The Design of Design"
12192 At Group L, Stoffel oversees six first-rate programmers, a managerial
12193 challenge roughly comparable to herding cats.
12194 -- "The Washington Post Magazine", June 9, 1985
12196 At last I've found the girl of my dreams. Last night she said to me,
12197 "Once more, Strange, and this time *I'll* be Donnie and *you* be Marie.
12200 "At least they're ___________
\b\b\b\b\b\b\b\b\b\b\bEXPERIENCED incompetents"
12202 At no time is freedom of speech more precious than when a man hits his
12203 thumb with a hammer.
12204 -- Marshall Lumsden
12206 At once it struck me what quality went to form a man of achievement,
12207 especially in literature, and which Shakespeare possessed so enormously
12208 -- I mean negative capability, that is, when a man is capable of being
12209 in uncertainties, mysteries, doubts, without any irritable reaching
12210 after fact and reason.
12213 At social gatherings, I would amuse everyone by standing uponst the
12214 coffee table and striking meself repeatedly upon the head with a brick.
12217 At the end of your life there'll be a good rest,
12218 and no further activities are scheduled.
12220 At the foot of the mountain, thunder:
12221 The image of Providing Nourishment.
12222 Thus the superior man is careful of his words
12223 And temperate in eating and drinking.
12225 At the heart of science is an essential tension between two seemingly
12226 contradictory attitudes -- an openness to new ideas, no matter how bizarre
12227 or counterintuitive they may be, and the most ruthless skeptical scrutiny
12228 of all ideas, old and new. This is how deep truths are winnowed from deep
12229 nonsense. Of course, scientists make mistakes in trying to understand the
12230 world, but there is a built-in error-correcting mechanism: The collective
12231 enterprise of creative thinking and skeptical thinking together keeps the
12233 -- Carl Sagan, "The Fine Art of Baloney Detection"
12235 At the hospital, a doctor is training an intern on how to announce bad news
12236 to the patients. The doctor tells the intern "This man in 305 is going to
12237 die in six months. Go in and tell him." The intern boldly walks into the
12238 room, over to the man's bedside and tells him "Seems like you're gonna die!"
12239 The man has a heart attack and is rushed into surgery on the spot. The doctor
12240 grabs the intern and screams at him, "What!?!? are you some kind of moron?
12241 You've got to take it easy, work your way up to the subject. Now this man in
12242 213 has about a week to live. Go in and tell him, but, gently, you hear me,
12244 The intern goes softly into the room, humming to himself, cheerily
12245 opens the drapes to let the sun in, walks over to the man's bedside, fluffs
12246 his pillow and wishes him a "Good morning!" "Wonderful day, no? Say...
12247 guess who's going to die soon!"
12249 At the source of every error which is blamed on the computer you will
12250 find at least two human errors, including the error of blaming it on
12253 At these prices, I lose money -- but I make it up in volume.
12254 -- Peter G. Alaquon
12256 At times discretion should be thrown aside,
12257 and with the foolish we should play the fool.
12260 At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the
12261 number of pens that person is carrying.
12263 Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
12266 An entire city surrounded by an airport.
12268 Atlanta makes it against the law to tie a giraffe to a telephone pole
12271 Atlee is a very modest man. And with reason.
12272 -- Winston Churchill
12274 Attorney General Edwin Meese III explained why the Supreme Court's Miranda
12275 decision (holding that subjects have a right to remain silent and have a
12276 lawyer present during questioning) is unnecessary: "You don't have many
12277 suspects who are innocent of a crime. That's contradictory. If a person
12278 is innocent of a crime, then he is not a suspect."
12279 -- U.S. News and World Report, 10/14/85
12282 A gyp off the old block.
12284 Audacity, and again, audacity, and always audacity.
12288 Someone who listens to the equipment instead of the music.
12290 Auribus teneo lupum.
12291 [I hold a wolf by the ears.]
12294 Indubitably true, in somebody's opinion.
12296 Authors (and perhaps columnists) eventually rise to the top of whatever
12297 depths they were once able to plumb.
12300 Authors are easy to get on with -- if you're fond of children.
12301 -- Michael Joseph, "Observer"
12304 A four-wheeled vehicle that runs up hills and down pedestrians.
12308 Avert misunderstanding by calm, poise, and balance.
12310 Avoid cliches like the plague.
12311 They're a dime a dozen.
12313 Avoid gunfire in the bathroom tonight.
12315 Avoid Quiet and Placid persons unless you are in Need of Sleep.
12316 -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
12318 Avoid reality at all costs.
12320 Avoid revolution or expect to get shot. Mother and I will grieve, but
12321 we will gladly buy a dinner for the National Guardsman who shot you.
12322 -- Dr. Paul Williamson, father of a Kent State student
12324 Avoid strange women and temporary variables.
12326 Awash with unfocused desire, Everett twisted the lobe of his one remaining
12327 ear and felt the presence of somebody else behind him, which caused terror
12328 to push through his nervous system like a flash flood roaring down the
12329 mid-fork of the Feather River before the completion of the Oroville Dam
12331 -- Grand Panjandrum's Special Award, 1984 Bulwer-Lytton
12332 bad fiction contest
12334 [Babe] Ruth made a big mistake when he gave up pitching.
12335 -- Tris Speaker, 1921
12338 A convenient deity invented by the ancients as an excuse for
12340 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
12343 A guy who is footloose and fiancee-free.
12346 A man who chases women and never Mrs. one.
12348 Back in '80 or '81 the workers were rioting in Gdansk and there were fears
12349 that the Soviets would invade Poland to put down the demonstrations. Foreign
12350 correspondents were curious as to just what the Poles would do if they were
12351 invaded. They asked, "What will you do if the East Germans invade from the
12352 West and the Soviets invade from the East? Who will you fight first?"
12353 To which the Poles replied, "Why, we will fight the Germans first.
12354 Business before pleasure."
12356 Back in the early 60's, touch tone phones only had 10 buttons. Some
12357 military versions had 16, while the 12 button jobs were used only by people
12358 who had "diva" (digital inquiry, voice answerback) systems -- mainly banks.
12359 Since in those days, only Western Electric made "data sets" (modems) the
12360 problems of terminology were all Bell System. We used to struggle with
12361 written descriptions of dial pads that were unfamiliar to most people
12362 (most phones were rotary then.) Partly in jest, some AT&T engineering
12363 types (there was no marketing in the good old days, which is why they were
12364 the good old days) made up the term "octalthorpe" (note spelling) to denote
12365 the "pound sign." Presumably because it has 8 points sticking out. It
12366 never really caught on.
12368 Back when I was a boy, it was 40 miles to everywhere,
12369 uphill both ways and it was always snowing.
12371 BACKWARD CONDITIONING:
12372 Putting saliva in a dog's mouth in an attempt to make a bell ring.
12374 Bacon's not the only thing that's cured by hanging from a string.
12376 BAD CRAZINESS, MAN!!!
12378 Bad men live that they may eat and drink,
12379 whereas good men eat and drink that they may live.
12383 1. n.; Equipment or program that fails, usually
12384 intermittently. 2. adj.: Failing hardware or software. "This
12385 bagbiting system won't let me get out of spacewar." Usage: verges on
12386 obscenity. Grammatically separable; one may speak of "biting the
12387 bag". Synonyms: LOSER, LOSING, CRETINOUS, BLETCHEROUS, BARFUCIOUS,
12390 Bagdikian's Observation:
12391 Trying to be a first-rate reporter on the average American
12392 newspaper is like trying to play Bach's "St. Matthew Passion" on a
12395 Bahdges? We don't need no stinkin' bahdges!
12396 -- "The Treasure of Sierra Madre"
12398 Baker's First Law of Federal Geometry:
12399 A block grant is a solid mass of money surrounded on all sides
12405 Fear of opening one's eyes.
12409 Fear of being buried alive.
12418 A wharf-rat stealing Diogenes' lamp.
12420 Ban the bomb. Save the world for conventional warfare.
12422 Banacek's Eighteenth Polish Proverb:
12423 The hippo has no sting, but the wise
12424 man would rather be sat upon by the bee.
12427 The removal of bruises on a banana.
12428 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
12430 Bank error in your favor. Collect $200.
12433 An alcoholic is a person who drinks more than his own
12436 Barbara's Rules of Bitter Experience:
12437 (1) When you empty a drawer for his clothes
12438 and a shelf for his toiletries, the relationship ends.
12439 (2) When you finally buy pretty stationary
12440 to continue the correspondence, he stops writing.
12442 Bare feet magnetize sharp metal objects so they point upward from the
12443 floor -- especially in the dark.
12446 Proofreading is more effective after publication.
12449 An ingenious instrument which indicates what kind of weather we
12451 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
12453 Barth's Distinction:
12454 There are two types of people: those who divide people into two
12455 types, and those who don't.
12457 Baruch's Observation:
12458 If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.
12460 Base 8 is just like base 10, if you are missing two fingers.
12463 Baseball is a skilled game. It's America's game -- it, and high
12467 Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think
12468 Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today?
12470 (1) Writing his memoirs of the Civil War.
12471 (2) Advising the President.
12472 (3) Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin.
12475 Basic Definitions of Science:
12476 If it's green or wiggles, it's biology.
12477 If it stinks, it's chemistry.
12478 If it doesn't work, it's physics.
12480 Basic is a high level languish.
12481 APL is a high level anguish.
12483 BASIC is the Computer Science equivalent of "Scientific Creationism."
12485 BASIC is to computer programming as QWERTY is to typing.
12489 A programming language. Related to certain social diseases in
12490 that those who have it will not admit it in polite company.
12492 Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd
12493 come in and sink my boats.
12497 The violent quake that rattles the entire house when the water
12498 faucet is turned on to a certain point.
12499 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
12501 Batteries not included.
12504 A method of untying with the teeth a political knot that
12505 will not yield to the tongue.
12506 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
12508 Be a better psychiatrist and the world
12509 will beat a psychopath to your door.
12511 BE A LOOF! (There has been a recent population explosion of lerts.)
12513 BE ALERT!!!! (The world needs more lerts ...)
12515 Be assured that a walk through the ocean of most Souls would scarcely
12516 get your Feet wet. Fall not in Love, therefore: it will stick to your
12518 -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
12520 Be both a speaker of words and a doer of deeds.
12523 Be braver -- you can't cross a chasm in two small jumps.
12525 Be careful! Is it classified?
12527 Be careful! UGLY strikes 9 out of 10!
12529 Be careful how you get yourself involved with persons or
12530 situations that can't bear inspection.
12532 Be careful of reading health books, you might die of a misprint.
12535 Be careful what you set your heart on -- for it will surely be yours.
12536 -- James Baldwin, "Nobody Knows My Name"
12538 Be careful when a loop exits to the same place from side and bottom.
12540 Be careful when you bite into your hamburger.
12543 Be cautious in your daily affairs.
12545 Be cheerful while you are alive.
12546 -- Phathotep, 24th Century B.C.
12548 Be circumspect in your liaisons with women. It is better
12549 to be seen at the opera with a man than at mass with a woman.
12552 Be different: conform.
12554 Be frank and explicit with your lawyer ... it is his business to confuse
12555 the issue afterwards.
12557 Be free and open and breezy! Enjoy!
12558 Things won't get any better so get used to it.
12560 Be incomprehensible. If they can't understand, they can't disagree.
12563 Insult a rich relative today.
12565 Be it our wealth, our jobs, or even our homes;
12566 nothing is safe while the legislature is in session.
12568 Be nice to people on the way up, because you'll meet them on your way down.
12571 Be not anxious about what you have, but about what you are.
12572 -- Pope St. Gregory I
12574 Be open to other people -- they may enrich your dream.
12576 Be prepared to accept sacrifices.
12577 Vestal virgins aren't all that bad.
12579 Be regular and orderly in your life, so that you may be violent
12580 and original in your work.
12583 Be security conscious -- National Defense is at stake.
12585 Be self-reliant and your success is assured.
12588 Speak to the person next to you in the unemployment line tomorrow.
12590 Be sure to evaluate the bird-hand/bush ratio.
12592 Be valiant, but not too venturous.
12593 Let thy attire be comely, but not costly.
12596 Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors and
12598 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
12600 Beam me up, Scotty!
12602 Beam me up, Scotty! It ate my phaser!
12604 Beam me up, Scotty, there's no intelligent life down here!
12606 Beat your son every day; you may not know why, but he will.
12609 What's in your eye when you have a bee in your hand.
12611 Beauty and harmony are as necessary to you as the very breath of life.
12613 Beauty, brains, availability, personality; pick any two.
12615 Beauty is one of the rare things which does not lead to doubt of God.
12618 Beauty is truth, truth beauty, that is all
12619 Ye know on earth, and all ye need to know.
12622 Beauty may be skin deep, but ugly goes clear to the bone.
12626 Because I do not hope,
12627 Because I do not hope to survive
12628 Injustice from the Palace, death from the air,
12629 Because I do, only do,
12633 Because the wine remembers.
12635 Because we don't think about future generations,
12636 they will never forget us.
12640 What did you bring back for me?
12642 Been Transferred Lately?
12644 Beer -- it's not just for breakfast anymore.
12646 Beer & Pretzels -- Breakfast of Champions.
12648 Bees are very busy souls
12649 They have no time for birth controls
12650 And that is why in times like these
12651 There are so many Sons of Bees.
12653 Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need more.
12654 -- Addison H. Hallock
12656 Before destruction a man's heart is
12657 haughty, but humility goes before honour.
12660 ...before I could come to any conclusion it occurred to me that my speech
12661 or my silence, indeed any action of mine, would be a mere futility. What
12662 did it matter what anyone knew or ignored? What did it matter who was
12663 manager? One gets sometimes such a flash of insight. The essentials of
12664 this affair lay deep under the surface, beyond my reach, and beyond my
12668 Before I knew the best part of my life had come, it had gone.
12670 Before marriage the three little words are "I love you," after marriage
12671 they are "Let's eat out."
12673 Before really embarking on a sizeable project, in particular before
12674 starting the large investment of coding, try to kill the project
12676 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, EWD1308
12678 Before Xerox, five carbons were the maximum extension of anybody's ego.
12680 Before you ask more questions, think about whether
12681 you really want to know the answers.
12682 -- Gene Wolfe, "The Claw of the Conciliator"
12685 A multi-day event on public television, used to raise money so
12686 you won't have to watch commercials.
12688 Beggar to well-dressed businessman:
12689 "Could you spare $20.95 for a fifth of Chivas?"
12691 Beggars should be no choosers.
12694 Behind every argument is someone's ignorance.
12696 Behind every great computer sits a skinny little geek.
12698 Behind every successful man you'll find a woman with nothing to wear.
12700 Behold the fool saith, "Put not all thine eggs in the one basket" -- which
12701 is but a manner of saying, "Scatter your money and your attention"; but
12702 the wise man saith, "Put all your eggs in the one basket and -- watch that
12706 Behold the unborn foetus and
12707 Weep salt tears crocodilian;
12708 All life is sacred (save, of course,
12709 An enemy civilian).
12711 Behold the warranty -- the bold print
12712 giveth and the fine print taketh away.
12714 Beifeld's Principle:
12715 The probability of a young man meeting a desirable and
12716 receptive young female increases by pyramidal progression when he is
12717 already in the company of: (1) a date, (2) his wife, (3) a better
12718 looking and richer male friend.
12720 Being a mime means never having to say you're sorry.
12722 Being a miner, as soon as you're too old and tired and sick and
12723 stupid to do your job properly, you have to go, where the very
12724 opposite applies with the judges.
12725 -- Beyond the Fringe
12727 Being a woman is a terribly difficult trade,
12728 since it consists principally of dealings with men.
12731 Being asked solicitously about the state of her health was becoming bothersome
12732 to the pregnant woman at the cocktail party. And yet another guest went over
12733 and inquired, "Well, how are you feeling these days?"
12734 "Not too well," said the expectant mother. "You know, I've missed
12735 seven or eight periods now and it's beginning to worry me."
12737 Being conservative has never been regarded as old-fashioned. But
12738 if you fight for a sensible step in the right direction which others
12739 has deserted you will be branded "reactionary".
12740 -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967)
12742 "Being disintegrated makes me ve-ry an-gry!" <huff, huff>
12744 Being frustrated is disagreeable, but the real
12745 disasters in life begin when you get what you want.
12747 Being in politics is like being a football coach. You have to be smart
12748 enough to understand the game and dumb enough to think it's important.
12751 Being in the army is like being in the Boy Scouts, except that the
12752 Boy Scouts have adult supervision.
12755 Being owned by someone used to be called
12756 slavery -- now it's called commitment.
12758 Being popular is important. Otherwise people might not like you.
12760 Being the #2 man in the Justice Department under Ed Meese is akin to
12761 standing next to a lamp post infested with pigeons.
12762 -- unnamed Justice Department official
12764 Being ugly isn't illegal. Yet.
12767 Something you do not believe.
12769 Believe everything you hear about the world; nothing is too
12771 -- Honore de Balzac
12773 Bell Labs Unix -- Reach out and grep someone.
12775 Ben, why didn't you tell me?
12778 Bennett's Laws of Horticulture:
12779 (1) Houses are for people to live in.
12780 (2) Gardens are for plants to live in.
12781 (3) There is no such thing as a houseplant.
12783 Benson, you are so free of the ravages of intelligence.
12787 ASCII is our god, and Unix is his profit.
12789 Berkeley had what we called "copycenter," which is "take it down
12790 to the copy center and make as many copies as you want."
12793 Bernard Shaw is an excellent man; he has not an enemy in the world, and
12794 none of his friends like him either.
12797 Bernard was a young eighty-three, not a gomer, and able to talk. He'd been
12798 transferred from MBH (Man's Best Hospital), the House's Rival. Founded in
12799 Colonial times by the WASPs, the insemination of MBH by non-WASPs had taken
12800 place only mid-twentieth century with the token multidextrous Oriental
12801 surgeon, and finally, with the token red-hot internal-medicine Jew. Yet,
12802 MBH was still Brooks Brothers, while the House was still the Garment District.
12803 For Jews at MBH the password was "Dress British, Think Yiddish." It was
12804 rare to get a TURF from the MBH to the House, and the Fat Man was curious:
12805 "Bernard, you went to the MBH, they did a great work-up, and you told them,
12806 after they got done, you wanted to be transferred here. Why?"
12807 "I rilly don't know," said Bernard.
12808 "Was it the doctors there? The doctors you didn't like?"
12809 "The doctus? Nah, the doctus I can't complain."
12810 "The test or the room?"
12811 "The tests or the room? Vell, nah, about them I can't complain."
12812 "The nurses? The food?" asked Fats, but Bernard shook his head no.
12813 Fats laughed and said, "Listen, Bernie, you went to the MBH, they did this
12814 great workup, and when I asked you shy you came to the House of God, all you
12815 tell me is, 'Nah, I can't complain.' So why did you come here? Why, Bernie,
12817 "Vhy I come heah? Vell, said Bernie, "Heah I can complain."
12820 Bershere's Formula for Failure:
12821 There are only two kinds of people who fail: those who
12822 listen to nobody... and those who listen to everybody.
12824 Besides the device, the box should contain:
12825 * Eight little rectangular snippets of paper that say "WARNING"
12826 * A plastic packet containing four 5/17 inch pilfer grommets
12827 and two club-ended 6/93 inch boxcar prawns.
12829 YOU WILL NEED TO SUPPLY: a matrix wrench and 60,000 feet of tram cable.
12831 IF ANYTHING IS DAMAGED OR MISSING: You IMMEDIATELY should turn to your
12832 spouse and say: "Margaret, you know why this country can't make a car
12833 that can get all the way through the drive-through at Burger King
12834 without a major transmission overhaul? Because nobody cares, that's
12837 WARNING: This is assuming your spouse's name is Margaret.
12838 -- Dave Barry, "Read This First!"
12840 Best Beer: A panel of tasters assembled by the Consumer's Union in 1969
12841 judged Coors and Miller's High Life to be among the very best. Those who
12842 doubt that beer is a serious subject might ponder its effect on American
12843 history. For example, New England's first colonists decided to drop anchor
12844 at Plymouth Rock instead of continuing on to Virginia because, as one of
12845 them put it, "We could not now take time for further consideration, our
12846 victuals being spent and especially our beer."
12847 -- Felton & Fowler's Best, Worst & Most Unusual
12849 Best Mistakes In Films
12850 In his "Filmgoer's Companion", Mr. Leslie Halliwell helpfully lists
12851 four of the cinema's greatest moments which you should get to see if at all
12853 In "Carmen Jones", the camera tracks with Dorothy Dandridge down a
12854 street; and the entire film crew is reflected in the shop window.
12855 In "The Wrong Box", the roofs of Victorian London are emblazoned
12856 with television aerials.
12857 In "Decameron Nights", Louis Jourdain stands on the deck of his
12858 fourteenth century pirate ship; and a white lorry trundles down the hill
12860 In "Viking Queen", set in the times of Boadicea, a wrist watch is
12861 clearly visible on one of the leading characters.
12862 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
12864 Best of all is never to have been born. Second best is to die soon.
12867 To voluntarily entrust one's data, one's livelihood and one's
12868 sanity to hardware or software intended to destroy all three.
12869 In earlier days, virgins were often selected to beta test volcanos.
12871 Better by far you should forget and
12872 smile than that you should remember and be sad.
12873 -- Christina Rossetti
12875 Better dead than mellow.
12877 Better hope the life-inspector doesn't come
12878 around while you have your life in such a mess.
12880 Better hope you get what you want before you stop wanting it.
12882 Better late than never.
12883 -- Titus Livius (Livy)
12885 Better living a beggar than buried an emperor.
12890 santa claus <north pole >town
12892 cat /etc/passwd >list
12895 cat list | grep naughty >nogiftlist
12896 cat list | grep nice >giftlist
12897 santa claus <north pole >town
12899 who | grep sleeping
12901 who | egrep 'bad|good'
12902 for (goodness sake) {
12906 Better the prince of some inferior court,
12907 Than second, or less, in beatific light.
12908 -- Lucifer, Joost van den Vondel's "Lucifer"
12910 Better to be nouveau than never to have been riche at all.
12912 Better to light one candle than to curse the darkness.
12913 -- motto of the Christopher Society
12915 Better to use medicines at the outset than at the last moment.
12917 Better tried by twelve than carried by six.
12920 Between 1950 and 1952, a bored weatherman, stationed north of Hudson
12921 Bay, left a monument that neither government nor time can eradicate.
12922 Using a bulldozer abandoned by the Air Force, he spent two years and
12923 great effort pushing boulders into a single word.
12925 It can be seen from 10,000 feet, silhouetted against the snow.
12926 Government officials exchanged memos full of circumlocutions (no Latin
12927 equivalent exists) but failed to word an appropriation bill for the
12928 destruction of this cairn, that wouldn't alert the press and embarrass
12929 both Parliament and Party.
12931 It stands today, a monument to human spirit. If life exists on other
12932 planets, this may be the first message received from us.
12933 -- The Realist, November, 1964
12935 Between grand theft and a legal fee, there only stands a law degree.
12937 Between infinite and short there is a big difference.
12945 -- T. S. Eliot, "The Hollow Man"
12947 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
12948 referring to system service dispatching.]
12950 BEWARE! People acting under the influence of human nature.
12952 Beware of a dark-haired man with a loud tie.
12954 Beware of a tall black man with one blond shoe.
12956 Beware of a tall blond man with one black shoe.
12958 Beware of all enterprises that require new clothes, and not rather
12959 a new wearer of clothes.
12960 -- Henry David Thoreau
12964 Beware of bugs in the above code;
12965 I have only proved it correct, not tried it.
12968 Beware of computerized fortune-tellers!
12970 Beware of geeks bearing graft.
12972 Beware of low-flying butterflies.
12974 Beware of mathematicians and all those who make empty prophecies. The
12975 danger already exists that the mathematicians have made covenant with
12976 the devil to darken the spirit and to confine man in the bonds of hell.
12979 Beware of Programmers who carry screwdrivers.
12980 -- Leonard Brandwein
12982 Beware of self-styled experts: an ex is a has-been, and a spurt is a
12983 drip under pressure.
12985 Beware of strong drink. It can make you
12986 shoot at tax collectors -- and miss.
12987 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough For Love"
12989 Beware of the man who knows the answer before he understands the question.
12991 "Beware of the man who works hard to learn something, learns it, and
12992 finds himself no wiser than before," Bokonon tells us. "He is full of
12993 murderous resentment of people who are ignorant without having come by
12994 their ignorance the hard way."
12995 -- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr., "Cat's Cradle"
12997 Beware of the Turing Tar-pit in which everything
12998 is possible but nothing of interest is easy.
13000 Beware the new TTY code!
13002 Beware the one behind you.
13005 When *everybody* thinks you're a pervert.
13007 Bierman's Laws of Contracts:
13008 (1) In any given document, you can't cover all the "what if's".
13009 (2) Lawyers stay in business resolving all the unresolved "what if's".
13010 (3) Every resolved "what if" creates two unresolved "what if's".
13012 Big book, big bore.
13015 Big M, Little M, many mumbling mice
13016 Are making midnight music in the moonlight,
13019 Bigamy is having one spouse too many. Monogamy is the same.
13021 Biggest security gap -- an open mouth.
13024 You cannot count friends that are all packed up in barrels.
13026 Bill Dickey is learning me his experience.
13027 -- Yogi Berra in his rookie season
13029 Billy: Mom, you know that vase you said was handed down from
13030 generation to generation?
13032 Billy: Well, this generation dropped it.
13035 Possessing the ability to have friends of both sexes.
13037 Bingo, gas station, hamburger with a side order of airplane noise,
13038 and you'll be Gary, Indiana.
13039 -- Jessie, "Greaser's Palace"
13042 Don't try to stem the tide -- move the beach.
13044 Biology grows on you.
13046 Biology is the only science in which multiplication means the same
13050 Refers to someone who has homes in Nome, Alaska, and Buffalo,
13053 Birds and bees have as much to do with the facts of life as black
13054 nightgowns do with keeping warm.
13055 -- Hester Mundis, "Powermom"
13057 Birds are entangled by their feet and men by their tongues.
13060 The first and direst of all disasters.
13061 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
13063 Birthdays are like busses, never the number you want.
13065 Bistromathics is simply a revolutionary new way of understanding the
13066 behavior of numbers. Just as Einstein observed that space was not an
13067 absolute, but depended on the observer's movement in space, and that
13068 time was not an absolute, but depended on the observer's movement in
13069 time, so it is now realized that numbers are not absolute, but depend
13070 on the observer's movement in restaurants.
13071 -- Douglas Adams, "Life, The Universe and Everything"
13074 A unit of measure applied to color. Twenty-four-bit color
13075 refers to expensive $3 color as opposed to the cheaper 25
13076 cent, or two-bit, color that use to be available a few years
13079 Bit off more than my mind could chew,
13080 Shower or suicide, what do I do?
13081 -- Julie Brown, "Will I Make it Through the Eighties?"
13085 Bizarreness is the essence of the exotic.
13088 The millions of tiny individual bumps that make up a
13090 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
13092 Black people have never rioted. A riot is what white people think blacks
13093 are involved in when they burn stores.
13096 Black shiny mollies and bright colored guppies,
13097 Shy little angels as gentle as puppies,
13098 Swimming and diving with scarcely a swish,
13099 They were just some of my tropical fish.
13101 Then I got mantas that sting in the water,
13102 Deadly piranhas that itch for a slaughter,
13103 Savage male betas that bite with a squish,
13104 Now I have many less tropical fish.
13108 That's an empty wish.
13109 Just dump them together
13110 And leave them alone,
13111 And soon you will have -- no fish.
13112 -- To My Favorite Things
13114 Blackout, heatwave, .44 caliber homicide,
13115 The bums drop dead and the dogs go mad in packs on the West Side,
13116 A young girl standing on a ledge, looks like another suicide,
13117 She wants to hit those bricks,
13118 'cause the news at six got to stick to a deadline,
13119 While the millionaires hide in Beekman place,
13120 The bag ladies throw their bones in my face,
13121 I get attacked by a kid with stereo sound,
13122 I don't want to hear it but he won't turn it down...
13123 -- Billy Joel, "Glass Houses"
13125 Blame Saint Andreas -- it's all his fault.
13127 Blessed are the forgetful: for they
13128 get the better even of their blunders.
13129 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
13131 Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt.
13134 Blessed are they that have nothing to say, and who cannot be persuaded
13136 -- James Russell Lowell
13138 Blessed are they who Go Around in Circles,
13139 for they Shall be Known as Wheels.
13141 Blessed is he who expects no gratitude, for he shall not be disappointed.
13144 Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed.
13147 Blessed is he who has reached the point of no return and knows it,
13148 for he shall enjoy living.
13151 Blessed is the man who, having nothing to say,
13152 abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact.
13155 Blinding speed can compensate for a lot of deficiencies.
13158 BLISS is ignorance.
13161 Using anything BUT a hammer to hammer a nail into the
13162 wall, such as shoes, lamp bases, doorstops, etc.
13163 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
13165 Blood flows down one leg and up the other.
13167 Blood is thicker than water, and much tastier.
13169 Bloom's Seventh Law of Litigation:
13170 The judge's jokes are always funny.
13173 Given a choice between two theories, take the one which is
13176 Blow it out your ear.
13179 [Funny to Jack Slingwine, Guy Harris and Hal Pierson. Ed.]
13182 Nothing is impossible for the man who will not listen to reason.
13184 Board the windows, up your car insurance, and don't leave any booze in
13185 plain sight. It's St. Patrick's day in Chicago again. The legend has
13186 it that St. Patrick drove the snakes out of Ireland. In fact, he was
13187 arrested for drunk driving. The snakes left because people kept
13188 throwing up on them.
13190 Body by Nautilus, Brain by Mattel.
13192 Boling's postulate:
13193 If you're feeling good, don't worry. You'll get over it.
13195 Bolub's Fourth Law of Computerdom:
13196 Project teams detest weekly progress reporting because it so
13197 vividly manifests their lack of progress.
13199 Bombeck's Rule of Medicine:
13200 Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
13202 Bond reflected that good Americans were fine people and that most of them
13203 seemed to come from Texas.
13204 -- Ian Fleming, "Casino Royale"
13206 Bondage maybe, discipline never!
13209 Bones: "The man's DEAD, Jim!"
13211 BOO! We changed Coke again! BLEAH! BLEAH!
13214 You always find something in the last place you look.
13217 An ounce of application is worth a ton of abstraction.
13220 A guy who wraps up a two-minute idea in a two-hour vocabulary.
13224 A person who talks when you wish him to listen.
13225 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
13228 (1) When in charge, ponder.
13229 (2) When in trouble, delegate.
13230 (3) When in doubt, mumble.
13233 According to the Oxford English Dictionary, in the Middle Ages
13234 the words "boss" and "botch" were largely synonymous, except that boss,
13235 in addition to meaning "a supervisor of workers" also meant "an
13239 An outdoor Betty Ford Clinic.
13242 Ludwig van Beethoven being jeered by 50,000 sports fans for
13243 finishing second in the Irish jig competition.
13245 Boston State House is the hub of the Solar System. You couldn't pry
13246 that out of a Boston man if you had the tire of all creation
13247 straightened out for a crowbar.
13250 Both models are identical in performance, functional operation, and
13251 interface circuit details. The two models, however, are not compatible
13252 on the same communications line connection.
13253 -- Bell System Technical Reference
13255 Boucher's Observation:
13256 He who blows his own horn always plays the music
13257 several octaves higher than originally written.
13259 Bounders get bound when they are caught bounding.
13263 Talent goes where the action is.
13266 If an experiment works, you must be using the wrong equipment.
13270 Boy, get your head out of the stars above,
13271 You get the maximum pleasure from a minimum of love.
13272 Save your heart and let your body be enough,
13273 To get the maximum pleasure from a minimum of love.
13274 Save your heart and let your body be enough,
13275 And get the maximum pleasure from a minimum of love.
13276 -- Mac Macinelli, "Minimum Love"
13278 Boy, I sure wish that I could be in the
13279 'Advanced Systems Development' group!
13281 Boy, life takes a long time to live.
13285 A noise with dirt on it.
13287 Boy, that crayon sure did hurt!
13289 Boycott meat - suck your thumb.
13291 Boys are beyond the range of anybody's sure understanding, at least
13292 when they are between the ages of 18 months and 90 years.
13295 Boys will be boys, and so will a lot of middle-aged men.
13298 Bozo is the Brotherhood of Zips and Others. Bozos are people who band
13299 together for fun and profit. They have no jobs. Anybody who goes on a
13300 tour is a Bozo. Why does a Bozo cross the street? Because there's a Bozo
13301 on the other side. It comes from the phrase vos otros, meaning others.
13302 They're the huge, fat, middle waist. The archetype is an Irish drunk
13303 clown with red hair and nose, and pale skin. Fields, William Bendix.
13304 Everybody tends to drift toward Bozoness. It has Oz in it. They mean
13305 well. They're straight-looking except they've got inflatable shoes. They
13306 like their comforts. The Bozos have learned to enjoy their free time,
13307 which is all the time.
13308 -- Firesign Theatre, "If Bees Lived Inside Your Head"
13310 Brace yourselves. We're about to try something that borders on the unique:
13311 an actually rather serious technical book which is not only (gasp) vehemently
13312 anti-Solemn, but also (shudder) takes sides. I tend to think of it as
13313 `Constructive Snottiness.'
13314 -- Mike Padlipsky, "Elements of Networking Style"
13316 Brace yourselves. We're about to try something that borders on the
13317 unique: an actually rather serious technical book which is not only
13318 (gasp) vehemently anti-Solemn, but also (shudder) takes sides. I tend
13319 to think of it as `Constructive Snottiness.'
13320 -- Mike Padlipsky, Foreword to "Elements of Networking
13324 If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a
13325 committee -- that will do them in.
13327 Brady's First Law of Problem Solving:
13328 When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more
13329 easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger have
13332 Brahma said: Well, after hearing ten thousand explanations, a fool is no
13333 wiser. But an intelligent man needs only two thousand five hundred.
13336 Brain fried -- Core dumped
13339 The apparatus with which we think that we think.
13340 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
13342 Brain, v. [as in "to brain"]:
13343 To rebuke bluntly, but not pointedly; to dispel a source of
13344 error in an opponent.
13345 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
13347 brain-damaged, generalization of "Honeywell Brain Damage" (HBD), a
13348 theoretical disease invented to explain certain utter cretinisms in
13350 Obviously wrong; cretinous; demented. There is an implication
13351 that the person responsible must have suffered brain damage,
13352 because he/she should have known better. Calling something
13353 brain-damaged is bad; it also implies it is unusable.
13355 Brandy Davis, an outfielder and teammate of mine with the Pittsburgh Pirates,
13356 is my choice for team captain. Cincinnati was beating us 3-1, and I led
13357 off the bottom of the eighth with a walk. The next hitter banged a hard
13358 single to right field. Feeling the wind at my back, I rounded second and
13359 kept going, sliding safely into third base.
13360 With runners at first and third, and home-run hitter Ralph Kiner at
13361 bat, our manager put in the fast Brandy Davis to run for the player at first.
13362 Even with Kiner hitting and a change to win the game with a home run, Brandy
13363 took off for second and made it. Now we had runners at second and third.
13364 I'm standing at third, knowing I'm not going anywhere, and see Brandy
13365 start to take a lead. All of a sudden, here he comes. He makes a great slide
13366 into third, and I scream, "Brandy, where are you going?" He looks up, and
13367 shouts, "Back to second if I can make it."
13368 -- Joe Garagiola, "It's Anybody's Ball Game"
13370 Brandy-and-water spoils two good things.
13373 Breadth-first search is the bulldozer of science.
13376 Break into jail and claim police brutality.
13378 Breast Feeding should not be attempted by fathers with hairy chests,
13379 since they can make the baby sneeze and give it wind.
13380 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
13382 Breathe deep the gathering gloom.
13383 Watch lights fade from every room.
13384 Bed-sitter people look back and lament;
13385 another day's useless energies spent.
13387 Impassioned lovers wrestle as one.
13388 Lonely man cries for love and has none.
13389 New mother picks up and suckles her son.
13390 Senior citizens wish they were young.
13392 Cold-hearted orb that rules the night;
13393 Removes the colors from our sight.
13394 Red is grey and yellow white.
13395 But we decide which is real, and which is an illusion."
13396 -- The Moody Blues, "Days of Future Passed"
13398 Breeding rabbits is a hare raising experience.
13401 A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.
13402 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
13404 Bridge ahead. Pay troll.
13407 A trial where the jury gets together and forms a lynching party.
13409 Briefly stated, the findings are that when presented with an array of
13410 data or a sequence of events in which they are instructed to discover
13411 an underlying order, subjects show strong tendencies to perceive order
13412 and causality in random arrays, to perceive a pattern or correlation
13413 which seems a priori intuitively correct even when the actual correlation
13414 in the data is counterintuitive, to jump to conclusions about the correct
13415 hypothesis, to seek and to use only positive or confirmatory evidence, to
13416 construe evidence liberally as confirmatory, to fail to generate or to
13417 assess alternative hypotheses, and having thus managed to expose themselves
13418 only to confirmatory instances, to be fallaciously confident of the validity
13419 of their judgments (Jahoda, 1969; Einhorn and Hogarth, 1978). In the
13420 analyzing of past events, these tendencies are exacerbated by failure to
13421 appreciate the pitfalls of post hoc analyses.
13424 Brillineggiava, ed i tovoli slati
13425 girlavano ghimbanti nella vaba;
13426 i borogovi eran tutti mimanti
13427 e la moma radeva fuorigraba.
13429 "Figliuolo mio, sta' attento al Gibrovacco,
13430 dagli artigli e dal morso lacerante;
13431 fuggi l'uccello Giuggiolo, e nel sacco
13432 metti infine il frumioso Bandifante".
13433 -- "The Jabberwock"
13435 Bringing computers into the home won't change either one, but may
13436 revitalize the corner saloon.
13438 Brisk talkers are usually slow thinkers. There is, indeed, no wild beast
13439 more to be dreaded than a communicative man having nothing to communicate.
13440 If you are civil to the voluble, they will abuse your patience; if
13441 brusque, your character.
13444 British education is probably the best in the world, if you can survive
13445 it. If you can't there is nothing left for you but the diplomatic corps.
13448 British Israelites:
13449 The British Israelites believe the white Anglo-Saxons of
13450 Britain to be descended from the ten lost tribes of Israel deported by
13451 Sargon of Assyria on the fall of Sumeria in 721 B.C. ... They further
13452 believe that the future can be foretold by the measurements of the
13453 Great Pyramid, which probably means it will be big and yellow and in
13454 the hand of the Arabs. They also believe that if you sleep with your
13455 head under the pillow a fairy will come and take all your teeth.
13456 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
13458 Broad-mindedness, n.:
13459 The result of flattening high-mindedness out.
13462 People tend to congregate in the back
13463 of the church and the front of the bus.
13466 Someone who buys stocks on the advice of a broker.
13468 Brontosaurus Principle:
13469 Organizations can grow faster than their brains can manage them
13470 in relation to their environment and to their own physiology: when
13471 this occurs, they are an endangered species.
13472 -- Thomas K. Connellan
13475 Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool
13476 discovers something which either abolishes the system or expands it
13477 beyond recognition.
13480 Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later
13483 1: Kill by nailing onto style(9); "David O'Brien was brucified"
13484 2: Annoy constantly by reminding of potential improvements
13485 [syn: {torment}, {rag}, {tantalize}, {bedevil}, {dun},
13487 3: Fix problems that were indicated in an earlier brucification
13488 (of one of the two other meanings).
13489 The word 'brucify' originally comes from the style-reviews of Bruce
13490 Evans of the FreeBSD project, but is now also sometimes used for
13491 reviews just done in his spirit.
13493 BS: You remind me of a man.
13495 BS: The man with the power.
13497 BS: The power of voodoo.
13501 BS: Remind me of a man.
13503 BS: The man with the power...
13504 -- Cary Grant, "The Bachelor and the Bobby-Soxer"
13507 A derogatory term, usually referring to a person's
13508 intelligence. See also "vacuum tube".
13510 Buck-passing usually turns out to be a boomerang.
13513 Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man.
13516 An aspect of a computer program which exists because the
13517 programmer was thinking about Jumbo Jacks or stock options when s/he
13520 Fortunately, the second-to-last bug has just been fixed.
13524 An elusive creature living in a program that makes it incorrect.
13525 The activity of "debugging," or removing bugs from a program, ends when
13526 people get tired of doing it, not when the bugs are removed.
13527 -- "Datamation", January 15, 1984
13530 Small living things that small living boys throw on small
13533 Build a system that even a fool can use
13534 and only a fool will want to use it.
13536 Building translators is good clean fun.
13539 BULLWINKLE: "You just leave that to my pal. He's the brains of the
13541 GENERAL: "What does that make YOU?"
13542 BULLWINKLE: "What else? An executive..."
13543 -- Jay Ward , "Rocky and Bullwinkle"
13546 All the parts falling off this car are
13547 of the very finest British manufacture.
13549 Bunker's Admonition:
13550 You cannot buy beer; you can only rent it.
13553 The obsessive act of opening and closing a refrigerator door in
13554 an attempt to catch it before the automatic light comes on.
13555 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
13557 Bureau Termination, Law of:
13558 When a government bureau is scheduled to be phased out,
13559 the number of employees in that bureau will double within
13560 12 months after the decision is made.
13563 A method for transforming energy into solid waste.
13566 A person who cuts red tape sideways.
13570 A politician who has tenure.
13572 Bureaucrats cut red tape -- lengthwise.
13574 Burke's Postulates:
13575 Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
13576 Don't create a problem for which you do not have the answer.
13578 Burn's Hog Weighing Method:
13579 (1) Get a perfectly symmetrical plank and balance it across a
13581 (2) Put the hog on one end of the plank.
13582 (3) Pile rocks on the other end until the plank is again
13583 perfectly balanced.
13584 (4) Carefully guess the weight of the rocks.
13587 Burnt Sienna. That's the best thing that ever happened to Crayolas.
13590 Bus error -- driver executed.
13592 Bus error -- please leave by the rear door.
13594 Bushydo -- the way of the shrub. Bonsai!
13596 Business is a good game -- lots of competition
13597 and minimum of rules. You keep score with money.
13598 -- Nolan Bushnell, founder of Atari
13600 Business will be either better or worse.
13603 ...but as records of courts and justice are admissible, it can easily be
13604 proved that powerful and malevolent magicians once existed and were a scourge
13605 to mankind. The evidence (including confession) upon which certain women
13606 were convicted of witchcraft and executed was without a flaw; it is still
13607 unimpeachable. The judges' decisions based on it were sound in logic and
13608 in law. Nothing in any existing court was ever more thoroughly proved than
13609 the charges of witchcraft and sorcery for which so many suffered death. If
13610 there were no witches, human testimony and human reason are alike destitute
13614 But Captain -- the engines can't take this much longer!
13616 "But don't you worry, its for a cause -- feeding global corporations
13619 But, for my own part, it was Greek to me.
13620 -- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar"
13622 But has any little atom,
13623 While a-sittin' and a-splittin',
13624 Ever stopped to think or CARE
13627 "But Huey, you PROMISED!"
13630 But I always fired into the nearest hill or, failing that, into blackness.
13631 I meant no harm; I just liked the explosions. And I was careful never to
13632 kill more than I could eat.
13635 But I don't like Spam!!!!
13637 "But I don't want to go on the cart..."
13638 "Oh, don't be such a baby!"
13639 "But I'm feeling much better..."
13640 "No you're not... in a moment you'll be stone dead!"
13641 -- Monty Python, "The Holy Grail"
13643 But I find the old notions somehow appealing. Not that I want to go
13644 back to them -- it is outrageous to have some outer authority tell you
13645 what is proper use and abuse of your own faculties, and it is ludicrous
13646 to hold reason higher than body or feeling. Still there is something
13647 true and profoundly sane about the belief that acts like murder or
13648 theft or assault violate the doer as well as the done to. We might
13649 even, if we thought this way, have less crime. The popular view of
13650 crime, as far as I can deduce it from the movies and television, is
13651 that it is a breaking of a rule by someone who thinks they can get away
13652 with that; implicitly, everyone would like to break the rule, but not
13653 everyone is arrogant enough to imagine they can get away with it. It
13654 therefore becomes very important for the rule upholders to bring such
13656 -- Marilyn French, "The Woman's Room"
13658 But if you wish at once to do nothing and to be respectable
13659 nowadays, the best pretext is to be at work on some profound study.
13660 -- Leslie Stephen, "Sketches from Cambridge"
13662 But in our enthusiasm, we could not resist a radical overhaul of the
13663 system, in which all of its major weaknesses have been exposed,
13664 analyzed, and replaced with new weaknesses.
13666 "Register Allocation in Optimizing Compilers"
13671 But like the Good Book says... There's BIGGER DEALS to come!
13673 But, Mousie, thou art no thy lane,
13674 In proving foresight may be vain:
13675 The best laid schemes o' mice an' men
13677 An' lea'e us nought but grief and pain
13679 -- Robert Burns, "To a Mouse", 1785
13681 But, officer, he's not drunk, I just saw his fingers twitch!
13683 But Officer, I stopped for the last one, and it was green!
13685 "But officer, I was only trying to gain enough speed so I could coast
13686 to the nearest gas station."
13688 But scientists, who ought to know
13689 Assure us that it must be so.
13690 Oh, let us never, never doubt
13691 What nobody is sure about.
13694 But sex and drugs and rock & roll, why, they'd bring our blackest day.
13696 But since I knew now that I could hope for nothing of greater value than
13697 frivolous pleasures, what point was there in denying myself of them?
13700 But soft you, the fair Ophelia:
13701 Ope not thy ponderous and marble jaws,
13702 But get thee to a nunnery -- go!
13703 -- Mark "The Bard" Twain
13705 But the greatest Electrical Pioneer of them all was Thomas Edison, who
13706 was a brilliant inventor despite the fact that he had little formal
13707 education and lived in New Jersey. Edison's first major invention in
13708 1877, was the phonograph, which could soon be found in thousands of
13709 American homes, where it basically sat until 1923, when the record was
13710 invented. But Edison's greatest achievement came in 1879, when he
13711 invented the electric company. Edison's design was a brilliant
13712 adaptation of the simple electrical circuit: the electric company sends
13713 electricity through a wire to a customer, then immediately gets the
13714 electricity back through another wire, then (this is the brilliant
13715 part) sends it right back to the customer again.
13717 This means that an electric company can sell a customer the same batch
13718 of electricity thousands of times a day and never get caught, since
13719 very few customers take the time to examine their electricity closely.
13720 In fact the last year any new electricity was generated in the United
13721 States was 1937; the electric companies have been merely re-selling it
13722 ever since, which is why they have so much free time to apply for rate
13724 -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"
13726 But these pills can't be habit forming;
13727 I've been taking them for years.
13729 But this has taken us far afield from interface, which is not a bad
13730 place to be, since I particularly want to move ahead to the kludge.
13731 Why do people have so much trouble understanding the kludge? What is a
13732 kludge, after all, but not enough Ks, not enough ROMs, not enough RAMs,
13733 poor quality interface and too few bytes to go around? Have I
13734 explained yet about the bytes?
13736 "But what we need to know is, do people want nasally-insertable
13739 But you shall not escape my iambics.
13740 -- Gaius Valerius Catullus
13742 But you who live on dreams, you are better pleased with the sophistical
13743 reasoning and frauds of talkers about great and uncertain matters than
13744 those who speak of certain and natural matters, not of such lofty nature.
13745 -- Leonardo da Vinci, "The Codex on the Flight of Birds"
13747 Buzz off, Banana Nose; Relieve mine eyes
13748 Of hateful soreness, purge mine ears of corn;
13749 Less dear than army ants in apple pies
13750 Art thou, old prune-face, with thy chestnuts worn,
13751 Dropt from thy peeling lips like lousy fruit;
13752 Like honeybees upon the perfum'd rose
13753 They suck, and like the double-breasted suit
13754 Are out of date; therefore, Banana Nose,
13755 Go fly a kite, thy welcome's overstayed;
13756 And stem the produce of thy waspish wits:
13757 Thy logick, like thy locks, is disarrayed;
13758 Thy cheer, like thy complexion, is the pits.
13759 Be off, I say; go bug somebody new,
13760 Scram, beat it, get thee hence, and nuts to you.
13763 The fly in the ointment of computer literacy.
13765 By doing just a little every day, you can gradually let the task
13766 completely overwhelm you.
13768 By failing to prepare, you are preparing to fail.
13770 By long-standing tradition, I take this opportunity to savage other
13771 designers in the thin disguise of good, clean fun.
13772 -- P. J. Plauger, "Computer Language", 1988, April
13775 By nature, men are nearly alike;
13776 by practice, they get to be wide apart.
13779 "By necessity, by proclivity, and by delight, we all quote.
13780 In fact, it is as difficult to appropriate the thoughts of others
13781 as it is to invent. (R. Emerson)"
13782 -- Quoted from a fortune cookie program
13783 (whose author claims, "Actually, stealing IS easier.")
13784 [to which I reply, "You think it's easy for me to
13785 misconstrue all these misquotations?!?" Ed.]
13787 By perseverance the snail reached the Ark.
13788 -- Charles Spurgeon
13790 By protracting life, we do not deduct one jot from the duration of death.
13791 -- Titus Lucretius Carus
13793 By the time they had diminished from 50 to 8, the other dwarves began
13794 to suspect "Hungry" ...
13795 -- Gary Larson, "The Far Side"
13797 By the time you swear you're his,
13798 shivering and sighing
13799 and he vows his passion is
13800 infinite, undying --
13801 Lady, make a note of this:
13802 One of you is lying.
13803 -- Dorothy Parker, "Unfortunate Coincidence"
13805 By the yard, life is hard.
13806 By the inch, it's a cinch.
13808 By trying, we can easily learn to endure adversity -- another man's, I
13812 By working faithfully eight hours a day,
13813 you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve.
13817 Believing Your Own Bull
13819 Bypasses are devices that allow some people to dash from point A to
13820 point B very fast while other people dash from point B to point A very
13821 fast. People living at point C, being a point directly in between, are
13822 often given to wonder what's so great about point A that so many people
13823 from point B are so keen to get there and what's so great about point B
13824 that so many people from point A are so keen to get _____
\b\b\b\b\bthere. They often
13825 wish that people would just once and for all work out where the hell
13827 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
13829 BYTE editors are people who separate the wheat from the chaff, and then
13830 carefully print the chaff.
13841 C++ is the best example of second-system effect since OS/360.
13843 C makes it easy for you to shoot yourself in the foot. C++ makes that
13844 harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.
13845 -- Bjarne Stroustrup
13848 A programming language that is sort of like Pascal except more
13849 like assembly except that it isn't very much like either one, or
13850 anything else. It is either the best language available to the art
13851 today, or it isn't.
13855 A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as
13857 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
13859 Cable is not a luxury, since many areas have poor TV reception.
13860 -- The mayor of Tucson, Arizona, 1989
13863 A very expensive part of the memory system of a computer that no one
13864 is supposed to know is there.
13867 When all else fails, read the instructions.
13869 California is a fine place to live -- if you happen to be an orange.
13873 From Latin "calor", meaning "heat" (as in English "calorie" or
13874 Spanish "caliente"); and "fornia'" for "sexual intercourse" or
13875 "fornication." Hence: Tierra de California, "the land of hot sex."
13878 Californians are a strange people. They'll put every chemical known to God
13879 and man up their nostrils and then laugh at you for putting sugar in your
13882 Call on God, but row away from the rocks.
13885 Call things by their right names... Glass of brandy and water! That is the
13886 current but not the appropriate name: ask for a glass of fire and distilled
13888 -- Robert Hall, in Olinthus Gregory's, "Brief Memoir of the
13891 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
13892 referring to logical names.]
13894 Calling J-Man Kink. Calling J-Man Kink. Hash missle sighted, target
13895 Los Angeles. Disregard personal feelings about city and intercept.
13897 Calling you stupid is an insult to stupid people!
13898 -- Wanda, "A Fish Called Wanda"
13900 Calm down, it's *only* ones and zeroes.
13902 Calm down, it's only ones and zeroes,
13903 Calm down, it's only bits and bytes,
13904 Calm down, and speak to me in English,
13905 Please realize that I'm not one of your computerites.
13907 Calvin: "I wonder where we go when we die."
13908 Hobbes: "Pittsburgh?"
13909 Calvin: "You mean if we're good or if we're bad?"
13911 Calvin Coolidge looks as if he had been weaned on a pickle.
13912 -- Alice Roosevelt Longworth
13914 Calvin Coolidge was the greatest man who ever came out of Plymouth
13919 Nature abhors a vacuous experimenter.
13921 Campus crusade for Cthulhu -- it found me.
13923 Campus sidewalks never exist as the straightest line between two
13927 Can anyone remember when the times
13928 were not hard, and money not scarce?
13930 Can anything be sadder than work left unfinished?
13931 Yes, work never begun.
13933 Can you buy friendship? You not only can, you must. It's the
13934 only way to obtain friends. Everything worthwhile has a price.
13935 -- Robert J. Ringer
13937 Canada Bill Jones's Motto:
13938 It's morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money.
13940 Canada Bill Jones's Supplement:
13941 A Smith and Wesson beats four aces.
13943 Canada Post doesn't really charge 32 cents for a stamp.
13944 It's 2 cents for postage and 30 cents for storage.
13945 -- Gerald Regan, Cabinet Minister, 12/31/83 Financial Post
13947 Cancel me not -- for what then shall remain?
13948 Abscissas, some mantissas, modules, modes,
13949 A root or two, a torus and a node:
13950 The inverse of my verse, a null domain.
13951 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
13953 CANCER (June 21 - July 22)
13954 This is a good time for those of you who are rich and happy,
13955 but a poor time for those of you born under this sign who are
13956 poor and unhappy. To tell you the truth, any day is tough
13957 when you're poor and unhappy.
13959 CANCER (June 21 - July 22)
13960 You are sympathetic and understanding to other people's
13961 problems. They think you are a sucker. You are always putting things
13962 off. That's why you'll never make anything of yourself. Most welfare
13963 recipients are Cancer people.
13966 The usual or standard state or manner of something. A true
13967 story: One Bob Sjoberg, new at the MIT AI Lab, expressed some
13968 annoyance at the use of jargon. Over his loud objections, we made a
13969 point of using jargon as much as possible in his presence, and
13970 eventually it began to sink in. Finally, in one conversation, he used
13971 the word "canonical" in jargon-like fashion without thinking.
13972 Steele: "Aha! We've finally got you talking jargon too!"
13973 Stallman: "What did he say?"
13974 Steele: "He just used `canonical' in the canonical way."
13976 Can't act. Slightly bald. Also dances.
13977 -- RKO executive, reacting to Fred Astaire's screen test.
13978 Cerf/Navasky, "The Experts Speak"
13980 Can't open /usr/games/fortunes. Lid stuck on cookie jar.
13982 Can't open /usr/share/games/fortune/fortunes.dat.
13984 Capitalism is the extraordinary belief that the nastiest of men, for
13985 the nastiest of reasons, will somehow work for the benefit of us all.
13986 -- John Maynard Keynes
13988 CAPRICORN (Dec 22 - Jan 19)
13989 Play your hunches. This is a day when luck will play an important
13990 part in your life. If you were smarter, you wouldn't need so much
13991 luck and you wouldn't be reading your horoscope, either. You are
13992 a suspicious person, and it will occur to you that astrologers
13993 don't know what they're talking about any more than your Aunt Martha.
13995 CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 to Jan. 19)
13996 Follow your instincts. You are much too scatterbrained to do anything
13997 else, such as think. Romance is in the air, but not for you, so forget
13998 it. That pimple on the end of your nose will get worse.
14000 CAPRICORN (Dec 23 - Jan 19)
14001 You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You don't do
14002 much of anything and are lazy. There has never been a Capricorn of any
14003 importance. Capricorns should avoid standing still for too long as
14004 they tend to take root and become trees.
14006 Captain Penny's Law:
14007 You can fool all of the people some of the time, and some of
14008 the people all of the time, but you Can't Fool Mom.
14010 Captain's Log, star date 21:34.5...
14012 Carelessly planned projects take three times longer to complete than
14013 expected. Carefully planned projects take four times longer to
14014 complete than expected, mostly because the planners expect their
14015 planning to reduce the time it takes.
14017 Carmel, New York, has an ordinance forbidding men to wear coats and
14018 trousers that don't match.
14020 Carney's Law: There's at least a 50-50 chance that someone will print
14021 the name Craney incorrectly.
14024 Carob works on the principle that, when mixed with the right combination of
14025 fats and sugar, it can duplicate chocolate in color and texture. Of course,
14026 the same can be said of dirt.
14028 Carperpetuation (kar' pur pet u a shun), n.:
14029 The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string at least a
14030 dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then
14031 putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.
14032 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
14034 Carson's Consolation:
14035 Nothing is ever a complete failure.
14036 It can always be used as a bad example.
14038 Carson's Observation on Footwear:
14039 If the shoe fits, buy the other one too.
14041 Carswell's Corollary:
14042 Whenever man comes up with a better mousetrap,
14043 nature invariably comes up with a better mouse.
14046 Lapwarmer with built-in buzzer.
14048 Catch a wave and you're sitting on top of the world.
14051 Catharsis is something I associate with pornography and crossword puzzles.
14054 Catproof is an oxymoron, childproof nearly so.
14056 Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a function.
14057 -- Garrison Keillor
14059 Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't make eight cats pull
14060 a sled through the snow.
14062 Cats, no less liquid than their shadows, offer no angles to the wind.
14064 Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education.
14065 -- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson"
14067 Caution: Breathing may be hazardous to your health.
14069 Caution: Keep out of reach of children.
14071 CChheecckk yyoouurr dduupplleexx sswwiittcchh..
14073 CCI Power 6/40: one board, a megabyte of cache, and an attitude...
14075 Cecil, you're my final hope
14076 Of finding out the true Straight Dope
14077 For I have been reading of Schrodinger's cat
14078 But none of my cats are at all like that.
14079 This unusual animal (so it is said)
14080 Is simultaneously alive and dead!
14081 What I don't understand is just why he
14082 Can't be one or the other, unquestionably.
14083 My future now hangs in between eigenstates.
14084 In one I'm enlightened, in the other I ain't.
14085 If *you* understand, Cecil, then show me the way
14086 And rescue my psyche from quantum decay.
14087 But if this queer thing has perplexed even you,
14088 Then I will *___
\b\b\band* I won't see you in Schrodinger's zoo.
14089 -- Randy F., Chicago, "The Straight Dope, a compendium
14090 of human knowledge" by Cecil Adams
14092 Celebrate Hannibal Day this year. Take an elephant to lunch.
14094 Celestial navigation is based on the premise that the Earth is the
14095 center of the universe. The premise is wrong, but the navigation
14096 works. An incorrect model can be a useful tool.
14097 -- Kelvin Throop III
14099 Census Taker to Housewife:
14100 Did you ever have the measles, and, if so, how many?
14102 Center meeting at 4pm in 2C-543.
14104 cerebral atrophy, n:
14105 The phenomena which occurs as brain cells become weak and sick, and
14106 impair the brain's performance. An abundance of these "bad" cells can cause
14107 symptoms related to senility, apathy, depression, and overall poor academic
14108 performance. A certain small number of brain cells will deteriorate due to
14109 everyday activity, but large amounts are weakened by intense mental effort
14110 and the assimilation of difficult concepts. Many college students become
14111 victims of this dread disorder due to poor habits such as overstudying.
14113 cerebral darwinism, n:
14114 The theory that the effects of cerebral atrophy can be reversed
14115 through the purging action of heavy alcohol consumption. Large amounts of
14116 alcohol cause many brain cells to perish due to oxygen deprivation. Through
14117 the process of natural selection, the weak and sick brain cells will die
14118 first, leaving only the healthy cells. This wonderful process leaves the
14119 imbiber with a healthier, more vibrant brain, and increases mental capacity.
14120 Thus, the devastating effects of cerebral atrophy are reversed, and academic
14121 performance actually increases beyond previous levels.
14123 Cerebus: I'd love to lick apricot brandy out of your navel.
14124 Jaka: Look, Cerebus -- Jaka has to tell you ... something
14125 Cerebus: If Cerebus had a navel, would you lick apricot brandy
14128 Cerebus: You don't like apricot brandy?
14129 -- Cerebus #6, "The Secret"
14131 Certain old men prefer to rise at dawn, taking a cold bath and a long
14132 walk with an empty stomach and otherwise mortifying the flesh. They
14133 then point with pride to these practices as the cause of their sturdy
14134 health and ripe years; the truth being that they are hearty and old,
14135 not because of their habits, but in spite of them. The reason we find
14136 only robust persons doing this thing is that it has killed all the
14137 others who have tried it.
14138 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
14140 Certain passages in several laws have always defied interpretation and the
14141 most inexplicable must be a matter of opinion. A judge of the Court of
14142 Session of Scotland has sent the editors of this book his candidate which
14143 reads, "In the Nuts (unground), (other than ground nuts) Order, the expression
14144 nuts shall have reference to such nuts, other than ground nuts, as would
14145 but for this amending Order not qualify as nuts (unground) (other than ground
14146 nuts) by reason of their being nuts (unground)."
14147 -- Guiness Book of World Records, 1973
14149 Certainly the game is rigged.
14150 Don't let that stop you; if you don't bet, you can't win.
14151 -- Robert A. Heinlein, "Time Enough For Love"
14153 Certainly there are things in life that money can't buy,
14154 but it's very funny --
14155 Did you ever try buying them without money?
14158 C'est magnifique, mais ce n'est pas la guerre!
14160 C'est magnifique, mais ce n'est pas l'Informatique.
14161 -- Bosquet [on seeing the IBM 4341]
14163 CF&C stole it, fair and square.
14166 Chairman of the Bored.
14168 Chamberlain's Laws:
14169 1: The big guys always win.
14170 2: Everything tastes more or less like chicken.
14172 Chance is perhaps the work of God when He did not want to sign.
14175 Change your thoughts and you change your world.
14177 Changing husbands/wives is only changing troubles.
14180 Chaos is King and Magic is loose in the world.
14182 Chapter 2: Newtonian Growth and Decay
14184 The growth-decay formulas were developed in the trivial fashion by
14185 Isaac Newton's famous brother Phigg. His idea was to provide an equation
14186 that would describe a quantity that would dwindle and dwindle, but never
14187 quite reach zero. Historically, he was merely trying to work out his
14188 mortgage. Another versatile equation also emerged, one which would define
14189 a function that would continue to grow, but never reach unity. This equation
14190 can be applied to charging capacitors, over-damped springs, and the human
14193 Character Density, n.:
14194 The number of very weird people in the office.
14196 Character is what you are in the dark!
14197 -- Lord John Whorfin
14200 A thing that begins at home and usually stays there.
14202 Charity begins at home.
14203 -- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence)
14205 Charlie Brown: Why was I put on this earth?
14206 Linus: To make others happy.
14207 Charlie Brown: Why were others put on this earth?
14209 Charlie was a chemist,
14210 But Charlie is no more.
14211 What Charlie thought was H2O was H2SO4.
14213 Charm is a way of getting the answer "Yes" --
14214 without having asked any clear question.
14216 Cheap things are of no value, valuable things are not cheap.
14218 Check me if I'm wrong, Sandy, but if I kill all the golfers...
14219 they're gonna lock me up and throw away the key!
14222 The thirteenth month of the year. Begins New Year's Day and
14223 ends when a person stops absentmindedly writing the old year on his
14226 Cheer Up! Things are getting worse at a slower rate.
14228 Cheese -- milk's leap toward immortality.
14229 -- Clifton Fadiman, "Any Number Can Play"
14232 Any cook who swears in French.
14235 If you help a friend in need, he is sure to remember you--
14236 the next time he's in need.
14239 Noxious substances from which modern foods are made.
14241 Chemist who falls in acid is absorbed in work.
14243 Chemist who falls in acid will be tripping for weeks.
14245 Chemistry is applied theology.
14246 -- Augustus Stanley Owsley III
14248 Chemistry professors never die, they just fail to react.
14251 Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget.
14253 "Cheshire-Puss," she began, "would you tell me, please,
14254 which way I ought to go from here?"
14255 "That depends a good deal on where you want to get to," said the Cat.
14256 "I don't care much where--" said Alice.
14257 "Then it doesn't matter which way you go," said the Cat.
14261 Chicago law prohibits eating in a place that is on fire.
14264 Where the dead still vote ... early and often!
14266 Chicago Transit Authority Rider's Rule #36:
14267 Never ever ask the tough looking gentleman wearing El Rukn
14268 headgear where he got his "pyramid powered pizza warmer".
14269 -- Chicago Reader 3/27/81
14271 Chicago Transit Authority Rider's Rule #84:
14272 The CTA has complimentary pop-up timers available on request
14273 for overheated passengers. When your timer pops up, the driver will
14274 cheerfully baste you.
14275 -- Chicago Reader 5/28/82
14277 Chicagoan: "So, where're you from?"
14278 Hoosier: "What's wrong with Indiana?"
14280 Chicken Little only has to be right once.
14282 Chicken Little was right.
14285 An ancient miracle drug containing equal parts of aureomycin,
14286 cocaine, interferon, and TLC. The only ailment chicken soup can't cure
14287 is neurotic dependence on one's mother.
14288 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
14290 Chihuahuas drive me crazy. I can't stand anything that
14291 shivers when it's warm.
14293 Children are like cats, they can tell when you don't like
14294 them. That's when they come over and violate your body space.
14296 Children are natural mimics who act like their parents
14297 despite every effort to teach them good manners.
14299 Children are unpredictable. You never know what inconsistency they're
14300 going to catch you in next.
14301 -- Franklin P. Jones
14303 Children aren't happy without something to ignore,
14304 And that's what parents were created for.
14307 Children begin by loving their parents. After a time they judge them.
14308 Rarely, if ever, do they forgive them.
14311 Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually
14312 repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.
14314 Children's talent to endure stems from their ignorance of alternatives.
14315 -- Maya Angelou, "I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings"
14317 Chinese saying: "He who speak with forked tongue, not need chopsticks."
14319 Chism's Law of Completion:
14320 The amount of time required to complete a government project is
14321 precisely equal to the length of time already spent on it.
14323 Chisolm's First Corollary to Murphy's Second Law:
14324 When things just can't possibly get any worse, they will.
14326 Chivalry, Schmivalry!
14327 Roger the thief has a
14330 Folks who are reading are
14332 Always Forgetting to
14333 Guard their own bac ...
14337 Choose in marriage only a woman whom you would choose as
14338 a friend if she were a man.
14342 Grandma got run over by a reindeer,
14343 Walking home from our house Christmas eve.
14344 You can say there's no such thing as Santa,
14345 But as for me and Grandpa, we believe!
14346 She'd been drinking too much eggnog,
14347 And we begged her not to go.
14348 But she'd forgot her medication, When we found her Christmas morning,
14349 And she staggered through the door At the scene of the attack.
14350 out in the snow. She had hoofprints on her forehead,
14351 And incriminating claus-marks on her
14352 Now we're all so proud of Grandpa, back.
14353 He's been taking this so well.
14354 See him in there watching football. I've warned all my friends and
14355 Drinking beer and playing cards neighbors,
14356 with cousin Mel. Better watch out for yourselves!
14357 They should never give a license,
14358 To a man who drives a sleigh and
14360 -- Elmo and Patsy, "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer"
14363 A man who was born at least 5,000 years ahead of his time.
14365 Christ died for our sins, so let's not disappoint Him.
14367 Christianity might be a good thing if anyone ever tried it.
14368 -- George Bernard Shaw
14370 Christmas time is here, by Golly; Kill the turkeys, ducks and chickens;
14371 Disapproval would be folly; Mix the punch, drag out the Dickens;
14372 Deck the halls with hunks of holly; Even though the prospect sickens,
14373 Fill the cup and don't say when... Brother, here we go again.
14375 On Christmas day, you can't get sore; Relations sparing no expense'll,
14376 Your fellow man you must adore; Send some useless old utensil,
14377 There's time to rob him all the more, Or a matching pen and pencil,
14378 The other three hundred and sixty-four! Just the thing I need... how nice.
14380 It doesn't matter how sincere Hark The Herald-Tribune sings,
14381 It is, nor how heartfelt the spirit; Advertising wondrous things.
14382 Sentiment will not endear it; God Rest Ye Merry Merchants,
14383 What's important is... the price. May you make the Yuletide pay.
14384 Angels We Have Heard On High,
14385 Let the raucous sleighbells jingle; Tell us to go out and buy.
14386 Hail our dear old friend, Kris Kringle, Sooooo...
14387 Driving his reindeer across the sky,
14388 Don't stand underneath when they fly by!
14391 Churchill's Commentary on Man:
14392 Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the
14393 time he will pick himself up and continue on.
14396 A fire at one end, a fool at the other, and a bit of tobacco in
14400 The combination of popcorn, soda, and melted chocolate which
14401 covers the floors of movie theaters.
14402 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
14404 Circumstances rule men; men do not rule circumstances.
14407 Civilization and profits go hand in hand.
14410 Civilization, as we know it, will end sometime this evening.
14411 See SYSNOTE tomorrow for more information.
14413 Civilization is the limitless multiplication of unnecessary necessities.
14417 A person, commonly a woman, who has the power of seeing that
14418 which is invisible to her patron -- namely, that he is a blockhead.
14419 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
14421 Claret is the liquor for boys; port for men; but he who
14422 aspires to be a hero... must drink brandy.
14425 Clarke's Conclusion:
14426 Never let your sense of morals interfere with doing the right thing.
14428 Class, that's the only thing that counts in life. Class.
14429 Without class and style, a man's a bum; he might as well be dead.
14432 Class: when they're running you out of town, to look like you're
14433 leading the parade.
14436 Classical music is the kind we keep thinking will turn into a tune.
14437 -- Kin Hubbard, "Abe Martin's Sayings"
14440 Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster.
14442 Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like
14443 shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
14446 Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely.
14449 Cleanliness is next to impossible.
14452 Where their last tornado did six
14453 million dollars worth of improvements.
14455 Cleveland still lives. God ____
\b\b\b\bmust be dead.
14458 Yes, I spent a week there one day.
14460 Climate and Surgery
14461 R C Gilchrist, who was shot by J Sharp twelve days ago, and who
14462 received a derringer ball in the right breast, and who it was supposed at
14463 the time could not live many hours, was on the street yesterday and the
14464 day before - walking several blocks at a time. To those who design to be
14465 riddled with bullets or cut to pieces with Bowie-knives, we cordially
14466 recommend our Sacramento climate and Sacramento surgery.
14467 -- Sacramento Daily Union, September 11, 1861
14469 Climbing onto a bar stool, a piece of string asked for a beer.
14470 "Wait a minute. Aren't you a string?"
14472 "Sorry. We don't serve strings here."
14473 The determined string left the bar and stopped a passer-by. "Excuse,
14474 me," it said, "would you shred my ends and tie me up like a pretzel?" The
14475 passer-by obliged, and the string re-entered the bar. "May I have a beer,
14476 please?" it asked the bartender.
14477 The barkeep set a beer in front of the string, then suddenly stopped.
14478 "Hey, aren't you the string I just threw out of here?"
14479 "No, I'm a frayed knot."
14482 1. An exact duplicate, as in "our product is a clone of their
14483 product." 2. A shoddy, spurious copy, as in "their product
14484 is a clone of our product."
14486 Clones are people two.
14488 Cloning is the sincerest form of flattery.
14490 Clothes make the man.
14491 Naked people have little or no influence on society.
14494 Clovis' Consideration of an Atmospheric Anomaly:
14495 The perversity of nature is nowhere better demonstrated
14496 than by the fact that, when exposed to the same atmosphere,
14497 bread becomes hard while crackers become soft.
14499 Coach: Can I draw you a beer, Norm?
14500 Norm: No, I know what they look like. Just pour me one.
14501 -- Cheers, No Help Wanted
14503 Coach: How about a beer, Norm?
14504 Norm: Hey I'm high on life, Coach. Of course, beer is my life.
14505 -- Cheers, No Help Wanted
14507 Coach: How's a beer sound, Norm?
14508 Norm: I dunno. I usually finish them before they get a word in.
14509 -- Cheers, Fortune and Men's Weights
14511 Coach: How's it going, Norm?
14512 Norm: Daddy's rich and Momma's good lookin'.
14513 -- Cheers, Truce or Consequences
14515 Sam: What's up, Norm?
14516 Norm: My nipples. It's freezing out there.
14517 -- Cheers, Coach Returns to Action
14519 Coach: What's the story, Norm?
14520 Norm: Thirsty guy walks into a bar. You finish it.
14521 -- Cheers, Endless Slumper
14523 Coach: What would you say to a beer, Normie?
14524 Norm: Daddy wuvs you.
14525 -- Cheers, The Mail Goes to Jail
14527 Sam: What'd you like, Normie?
14528 Norm: A reason to live. Gimme another beer.
14529 -- Cheers, Behind Every Great Man
14531 Sam: What will you have, Norm?
14532 Norm: Well, I'm in a gambling mood, Sammy. I'll take a glass
14533 of whatever comes out of that tap.
14534 Sam: Oh, looks like beer, Norm.
14535 Norm: Call me Mister Lucky.
14536 -- Cheers, The Executive's Executioner
14538 Coach: What's up, Norm?
14539 Norm: Corners of my mouth, Coach.
14540 -- Cheers, Fortune and Men's Weights
14542 Coach: What's shaking, Norm?
14543 Norm: All four cheeks and a couple of chins, Coach.
14544 -- Cheers, Snow Job
14546 Coach: Beer, Normie?
14547 Norm: Uh, Coach, I dunno, I had one this week.
14548 Eh, why not, I'm still young.
14549 -- Cheers, Snow Job
14552 An exercise in Artificial Inelegance.
14555 Completely Over and Beyond reason Or Logic.
14557 COBOL is for morons.
14558 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
14560 COBOL programmers are down in the dumps.
14562 COBOL programs are an exercise in Artificial Inelegance.
14564 Cocaine -- the thinking man's Dristan.
14566 Coding is easy; All you do is sit staring at a
14567 terminal until the drops of blood form on your forehead.
14569 Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum --
14570 "I think that I think, therefore I think that I am."
14571 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
14573 Cogito ergo I'm right and you're wrong.
14577 There is no bottom to worse.
14580 The more time you spend in reporting on what you are doing, the less
14581 time you have to do anything. Stability is achieved when you spend
14582 all your time reporting on the nothing you are doing.
14585 You weren't paying attention to the other half of what was
14588 Coincidences are spiritual puns.
14589 -- G. K. Chesterton
14592 When the local flashers are handing out written descriptions.
14595 When the politicians walk around with their hands in their own
14598 Cold hands, no gloves.
14601 Thinly sliced cabbage.
14604 A literary partnership based on the false assumption that the
14605 other fellow can spell.
14608 The fountains of knowledge, where everyone goes to drink.
14610 College football is a game which would be much more interesting if the
14611 faculty played instead of the students, and even more interesting if
14612 the trustees played. There would be a great increase in broken arms,
14613 legs, and necks, and simultaneously an appreciable diminution in the
14618 Where they don't buy M & M's, 'cause they're so hard to peel.
14620 Colorless green ideas sleep furiously.
14622 Column 1 Column 2 Column 3
14624 0. integrated 0. management 0. options
14625 1. total 1. organizational 1. flexibility
14626 2. systematized 2. monitored 2. capability
14627 3. parallel 3. reciprocal 3. mobility
14628 4. functional 4. digital 4. programming
14629 5. responsive 5. logistical 5. concept
14630 6. optional 6. transitional 6. time-phase
14631 7. synchronized 7. incremental 7. projection
14632 8. compatible 8. third-generation 8. hardware
14633 9. balanced 9. policy 9. contingency
14635 The procedure is simple. Think of any three-digit number, then select
14636 the corresponding buzzword from each column. For instance, number 257 produces
14637 "systematized logistical projection," a phrase that can be dropped into
14638 virtually any report with that ring of decisive, knowledgeable authority. "No
14639 one will have the remotest idea of what you're talking about," says Broughton,
14640 "but the important thing is that they're not about to admit it."
14641 -- Philip Broughton, "How to Win at Wordsmanship"
14643 Colvard's Logical Premises:
14644 All probabilities are 50%. Either a thing will happen or it
14647 Colvard's Unconscionable Commentary:
14648 This is especially true when dealing with someone you're
14651 Grelb's Commentary:
14652 Likelihoods, however, are 90% against you.
14654 Come, every frustum longs to be a cone,
14655 And every vector dreams of matrices.
14656 Hark to the gentle gradient of the breeze:
14657 It whispers of a more ergodic zone.
14658 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
14660 Come fill the cup and in the fire of spring
14661 Your winter garment of repentance fling.
14662 The bird of time has but a little way
14663 To flutter -- and the bird is on the wing.
14667 -- George McGovern, 1972
14669 Come, landlord, fill the flowing bowl until it does run over,
14670 Tonight we will all merry be -- tomorrow we'll get sober.
14671 -- John Fletcher, "The Bloody Brother", II, 2
14673 Come, let us hasten to a higher plane,
14674 Where dyads tread the fairy fields of Venn,
14675 Their indices bedecked from one to _
\bn,
14676 Commingled in an endless Markov chain!
14677 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
14679 Come, let us hasten to a higher plane,
14680 Where dyads tread the fairy fields of Venn,
14681 Their indices bedecked from one to n,
14682 Commingled in an endless Markov chain!
14684 Come, every frustum longs to be a cone,
14685 And every vector dreams of matrices.
14686 Hark to the gentle gradient of the breeze:
14687 It whispers of a more ergodic zone.
14689 In Riemann, Hilbert or in Banach space
14690 Let superscripts and subscripts go their ways.
14691 Our asymptotes no longer out of phase,
14692 We shall encounter, counting, face to face.
14693 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
14695 Come live with me, and be my love,
14696 And we will some new pleasures prove
14697 Of golden sands, and crystal brooks,
14698 With silken lines, and silver hooks.
14701 Come live with me and be my love,
14702 And we will some new pleasures prove
14703 Of golden sands and crystal brooks
14704 With silken lines, and silver hooks.
14705 There's nothing that I wouldn't do
14706 If you would be my POSSLQ.
14708 You live with me, and I with you,
14709 And you will be my POSSLQ.
14710 I'll be your friend and so much more;
14711 That's what a POSSLQ is for.
14713 And everything we will confess;
14714 Yes, even to the IRS.
14715 Some day on what we both may earn,
14716 Perhaps we'll file a joint return.
14717 You'll share my pad, my taxes, joint;
14718 You'll share my life - up to a point!
14719 And that you'll be so glad to do,
14720 Because you'll be my POSSLQ.
14722 Come, muse, let us sing of rats!
14723 -- From a poem by James Grainger (1721-1767)
14725 Come quickly, I am tasting stars!
14726 -- Dom Perignon, upon discovering champagne
14729 That tend on mortal thoughts, unsex me here,
14730 And fill me, from the crown to the toe, top-full
14731 Of direst cruelty! make thick my blood,
14732 Stop up the access and passage to remorse
14733 That no compunctious visiting of nature
14734 Shake my fell purpose, not keep peace between
14735 The effect and it! Come to my woman's breasts,
14736 And take my milk for gall, you murdering ministers,
14737 Wherever in your sightless substances
14738 You wait on nature's mischief! Come, thick night,
14739 And pall the in the dunnest smoke of hell,
14740 That my keen knife see not the wound it makes,
14741 Nor heaven peep through the blanket of the dark,
14742 To cry `Hold, hold!'
14743 -- Lady Macbeth, "Macbeth"
14745 Comedy, like Medicine, was never meant to be practiced by the general public.
14747 Coming to Stores Near You:
14749 101 Grammatically Correct Popular Tunes Featuring:
14751 (You Aren't Anything but a) Hound Dog
14752 It Doesn't Mean a Thing If It Hasn't Got That Swing
14753 I'm Not Misbehaving
14755 And A Whole Lot More...
14757 Coming together is a beginning;
14758 keeping together is progress;
14759 working together is success.
14762 Statement presented by a human and accepted by a computer in
14763 such a manner as to make the human feel as if he is in control.
14765 Commit the oldest sins the newest kind of ways.
14766 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV"
14769 Commitment can be illustrated by a breakfast of ham and eggs.
14770 The chicken was involved, the pig was committed.
14773 A group of men who individually can do nothing but as a group
14774 decide that nothing can be done.
14778 (1) Never arrive on time, or you will be stamped a beginner.
14779 (2) Don't say anything until the meeting is half over; this
14780 stamps you as being wise.
14781 (3) Be as vague as possible; this prevents irritating the
14783 (4) When in doubt, suggest that a subcommittee be appointed.
14784 (5) Be the first to move for adjournment; this will make you
14785 popular -- it's what everyone is waiting for.
14787 Committees have become so important nowadays that subcommittees have to
14788 be appointed to do the work.
14790 Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at
14791 different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.
14794 Common sense is instinct, and enough of it is genius.
14797 Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.
14800 Common sense is the most evenly distributed quantity in the world.
14801 Everyone thinks he has enough.
14802 -- Rene Descartes, 1637
14804 Commoner's three laws of ecology:
14805 1) No action is without side-effects.
14806 2) Nothing ever goes away.
14807 3) There is no free lunch.
14809 Communicate! It can't make things any worse.
14811 Comparing information and knowledge is like asking whether the fatness
14812 of a pig is more or less green than the designated hitter rule."
14815 Comparing software engineering to classical engineering assumes that software
14816 has the ability to wear out. Software typically behaves, or it does not. It
14817 either works, or it does not. Software generally does not degrade, abrade,
14818 stretch, twist, or ablate. To treat it as a physical entity, therefore, is
14819 misapplication of our engineering skills. Classical engineering deals with
14820 the characteristics of hardware; software engineering should deal with the
14821 characteristics of *software*, and not with hardware or management.
14824 COMPASS [for the CDC-6000 series] is the sort of assembler
14825 one expects from a corporation whose president codes in octal.
14828 Competence, like truth, beauty, and contact lenses,
14829 is in the eye of the beholder.
14830 -- Dr. Laurence J. Peter
14832 Competitive fury is not always anger. It is the true missionary's
14833 courage and zeal in facing the possibility that one's best may not
14838 One with real problems and imaginary profits.
14841 When you say something to another which everyone knows isn't true.
14844 The uncomfortable period of emotional and hormonal changes a
14845 computer experiences when the operating system is upgraded and
14846 a sun4 is put online sharing files.
14849 An electronic entity which performs sequences of useful steps in a
14850 totally understandable, rigorously logical manner. If you believe
14851 this, see me about a bridge I have for sale in Manhattan.
14853 Computer programmers do it byte by byte.
14855 Computer programmers never die, they just get lost in the processing.
14857 Computer programs expand so as to fill the core available.
14860 1) A study akin to numerology and astrology, but lacking the
14861 precision of the former and the success of the latter.
14862 2) The protracted value analysis of algorithms.
14863 3) The costly enumeration of the obvious.
14864 4) The boring art of coping with a large number of trivialities.
14865 5) Tautology harnessed in the service of Man at the speed of light.
14866 6) The Post-Turing decline in formal systems theory.
14868 Computer Science is merely the post-Turing decline in formal systems
14871 Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about
14873 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
14875 Computer Science is the only discipline in which we view
14876 adding a new wing to a building as being maintenance
14879 Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
14881 Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable.
14882 Any system which depends on human reliability is unreliable.
14885 Computers are useless. They can only give you answers.
14888 Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in
14889 the world that just don't add up.
14891 Computers don't actually think.
14892 You just think they think.
14895 Computers will not be perfected until they can compute how much more
14896 than the estimate the job will cost.
14898 Conceit causes more conversation than wit.
14899 -- La Rochefoucauld
14902 Any "idea" for which an outside consultant billed you more than
14905 Conceptual integrity in turn dictates that the design must proceed
14906 from one mind, or from a very small number of agreeing resonant minds.
14907 -- Frederick Brooks Jr., "The Mythical Man-Month"
14909 Condense soup, not books!
14912 A special meeting in which the boss gathers subordinates to hear
14913 what they have to say, so long as it doesn't conflict with what
14914 he's already decided to do.
14916 Confess your sins to the Lord and you will be forgiven;
14917 confess them to man and you will be laughed at.
14920 Confession is good for the soul, but bad for the career.
14922 Confession is good for the soul only in the sense
14923 that a tweed coat is good for dandruff.
14926 Confessions may be good for the soul, but they are bad for
14928 -- Lord Thomas Dewar
14930 Confidant, confidante, n.:
14931 One entrusted by A with the secrets of B, confided to himself by C.
14932 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
14934 Confidence is simply that quiet, assured feeling you have before you
14935 fall flat on your face.
14938 Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.
14940 CONFIRMED BACHELOR:
14941 A man who goes through life without a hitch.
14943 Conflicting research paradigms
14944 Have legitimized various crimes.
14945 The worst we can see
14947 Measuring reaction times.
14949 Conformity is the refuge of the unimaginative.
14951 Confucius say too damn much!
14953 Confucius say too much.
14954 -- Recent Chinese proverb
14956 Confusion will be my epitaph
14957 as I walk a cracked and broken path
14958 If we make it we can all sit back and laugh
14959 but I fear that tomorrow we'll be crying.
14960 -- King Crimson, "In the Court of the Crimson King"
14962 Congratulations! You are the one-millionth user to log into our system.
14963 If there's anything special we can do for you, anything at all, don't
14966 Congratulations! You have purchased an extremely fine device that
14967 would give you thousands of years of trouble-free service, except that
14968 you undoubtedly will destroy it via some typical bonehead consumer
14969 maneuver. Which is why we ask you to PLEASE FOR GOD'S SAKE READ THIS
14970 OWNER'S MANUAL CAREFULLY BEFORE YOU UNPACK THE DEVICE. YOU ALREADY
14971 UNPACKED IT, DIDN'T YOU? YOU UNPACKED IT AND PLUGGED IT IN AND TURNED
14972 IT ON AND FIDDLED WITH THE KNOBS, AND NOW YOUR CHILD, THE SAME CHILD
14973 WHO ONCE SHOVED A POLISH SAUSAGE INTO YOUR VIDEOCASSETTE RECORDER AND
14974 SET IT ON "FAST FORWARD", THIS CHILD ALSO IS FIDDLING WITH THE KNOBS,
14975 RIGHT? AND YOU'RE JUST NOW STARTING TO READ THE INSTRUCTIONS,
14976 RIGHT??? WE MIGHT AS WELL JUST BREAK THESE DEVICES RIGHT AT THE
14977 FACTORY BEFORE WE SHIP THEM OUT, YOU KNOW THAT?
14978 -- Dave Barry, "Read This First!"
14980 Congratulations are in order for Tom Reid.
14982 He says he just found out he is the winner of the 2021 Psychic of the
14985 Conjecture: All odd numbers are prime.
14987 Mathematician's Proof:
14988 3 is prime. 5 is prime. 7 is prime. By induction, all
14989 odd numbers are prime.
14991 3 is prime. 5 is prime. 7 is prime. 9 is experimental
14992 error. 11 is prime. 13 is prime ...
14994 3 is prime. 5 is prime. 7 is prime. 9 is prime.
14995 11 is prime. 13 is prime ...
14996 Computer Scientist's Proof:
14997 3 is prime. 3 is prime. 3 is prime. 3 is prime...
14999 Connector Conspiracy, n:
15000 [probably came into prominence with the appearance of the
15001 KL-10, none of whose connectors match anything else] The tendency of
15002 manufacturers (or, by extension, programmers or purveyors of anything)
15003 to come up with new products which don't fit together with the old
15004 stuff, thereby making you buy either all new stuff or expensive
15007 Conquering Russia should be done steppe by steppe.
15009 Conscience doth make cowards of us all.
15010 -- William Shakespeare
15012 Conscience is a mother-in-law whose visit never ends.
15015 Conscience is defined as the thing that hurts
15016 when everything else feels great.
15018 Conscience is the inner voice that warns us somebody is looking.
15021 Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.
15023 Conscious is when you are aware of something and conscience is when you
15027 A document in which a hapless company consents never to commit
15028 in the future whatever heinous violations of Federal law it
15029 never admitted to in the first place.
15031 Consequences, Schmonsequences, as long as I'm rich.
15032 -- "Ali Baba Bunny" [1957, Chuck Jones]
15035 One who admires radicals centuries after they're dead.
15039 A statesman who is enamored of existing evils, as distinguished
15040 from the Liberal who wishes to replace them with others.
15041 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
15043 Consider a spherical bear, in simple harmonic motion...
15044 -- Professor in the UCB physics department
15046 Consider the following axioms carefully:
15047 "Everything's better when it sits on a Ritz."
15049 "Everything's better with Blue Bonnet on it."
15050 What happens if one spreads Blue Bonnet margarine on a Ritz cracker? The
15051 thought is frightening. Is this how God came into being? Try not to
15052 consider the fact that "Things go better with Coke".
15054 Consider the little mouse, how sagacious an animal
15055 it is which never entrusts its life to one hole only.
15056 -- Titus Maccius Plautus
15058 Consider the postage stamp: its usefulness consists in
15059 the ability to stick to one thing till it gets there.
15063 (1) Someone you pay to take the watch off your wrist and tell
15064 you what time it is. (2) (For resume use) The working title
15065 of anyone who doesn't currently hold a job. Motto: Have
15066 Calculator, Will Travel.
15069 An ordinary man a long way from home.
15072 [From con "to defraud, dupe, swindle," or, possibly, French con
15073 (vulgar) "a person of little merit" + sult elliptical form of
15074 "insult."] A tipster disguised as an oracle, especially one who
15075 has learned to decamp at high speed in spite of a large briefcase
15079 Someone who'd rather climb a tree and tell a
15080 lie than stand on the ground and tell the truth.
15082 Consultants are mystical people who ask a company for a number and then
15083 give it back to them.
15086 Medical term meaning "to share the wealth."
15088 Contemporary American feminism's simplistic psychology is illustrated by
15089 the new cliche of the date-rape furor: "`No' always means `no'." Will
15090 we ever graduate from the Girl Scouts? "No" has always been, and always
15091 will be, part of the dangerous alluring courtship ritual of sex and
15092 seduction, observable even in the animal kingdom.
15093 -- Camille Paglia, NY Times, Dec. 14 1990, Op Ed.
15095 "Contrariwise," continued Tweedledee, "if it was so, it might be, and
15096 if it were so, it would be; but as it isn't, it ain't. That's logic!"
15097 -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass"
15099 Contrary to popular belief, penguins are not the salvation of modern
15100 technology. Neither do they throw parties for the urban proletariat.
15102 Convention is the ruler of all.
15105 Conversation enriches the understanding,
15106 but solitude is the school of genius.
15109 A vocal competition in which the one who is catching his breath
15110 is called the listener.
15113 In any organization there will always be one person who knows
15116 This person must be fired.
15118 Cops never say good-bye. They're always hoping to see you again in the
15120 -- Raymond Chandler
15123 A device that shreds paper, flashes mysteriously coded messages,
15124 and makes duplicates for everyone in the office who isn't
15125 interested in reading them.
15128 The ceremony of investing a sovereign with the outward and visible
15129 signs of his divine right to be blown skyhigh with a dynamite bomb.
15133 The ceremony of investing a sovereign with the outward and
15134 visible signs of his divine right to be blown skyhigh with a dynamite
15136 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
15138 Correction does much, but encouragement does more.
15139 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
15141 Correspondence Corollary:
15142 An experiment may be considered a success if no more than half
15143 your data must be discarded to obtain correspondence with your theory.
15146 In politics, holding an office of trust or profit.
15148 Corrupt, stupid grasping functionaries will make at least as big a
15149 muddle of socialism as stupid, selfish and acquisitive employers can
15150 make of capitalism.
15153 Corruption is not the #1 priority of the Police Commissioner. His job
15154 is to enforce the law and fight crime.
15155 -- P.B.A. President E. J. Kiernan
15158 Paper is always strongest at the perforations.
15160 Couldn't we jury-rig the cat to act as an audio switch, and have it yell
15161 at people to save their core images before logging them out? I'm sure
15162 the cattle prod would be effective in this regard. In any case, a traverse
15163 mounted iguana, while more perverted, gives better traction, not to mention
15164 being easier to stake.
15166 Counting in binary is just like counting
15167 in decimal -- if you are all thumbs.
15170 Counting in octal is just like counting
15171 in decimal -- if you don't use your thumbs.
15174 Courage is fear that has said its prayers.
15176 Courage is grace under pressure.
15178 Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear -- not absence of fear.
15181 Courage is your greatest present need.
15184 A place where they dispense with justice.
15187 Courtship to marriage, as a very witty prologue to a very dull play.
15188 -- William Congreve
15191 One who in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs.
15192 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
15194 Crash programs fail because they are based on the theory that, with
15195 nine women pregnant, you can get a baby a month.
15196 -- Wernher von Braun
15198 Crazee Edeee, his prices are INSANE!!!
15200 Creating computer software is always a demanding and painstaking
15201 process -- an exercise in logic, clear expression, and almost fanatical
15202 attention to detail. It requires intelligence, dedication, and an
15203 enormous amount of hard work. But, a certain amount of unpredictable
15204 and often unrepeatable inspiration is what usually makes the difference
15205 between adequacy and excellence.
15207 Creativity in living is not without its attendant difficulties, for
15208 peculiarity breeds contempt. And the unfortunate thing about being
15209 ahead of your time when people finally realize you were right, they'll
15210 say it was obvious all along.
15211 -- Alan Ashley-Pitt
15213 Creativity is no substitute for knowing what you are doing.
15215 Creativity is not always bred in an environment of tranquility;
15216 sometimes you have to squeeze a little to get the paste out of the tube.
15218 Credit ... is the only enduring testimonial to man's confidence in man.
15222 A man who has a better memory than a debtor.
15224 Crenna's Law of Political Accountability:
15225 If you are the first to know about something bad,
15226 you are going to be held responsible for acting on it,
15227 regardless of your formal duties.
15229 Crime does not pay ... as well as politics.
15233 A person who boasts himself hard to please because nobody tries
15235 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
15237 Criticism comes easier than craftsmanship.
15240 Critics are like eunuchs in a harem: they know how it's done, they've
15241 seen it done every day, but they're unable to do it themselves.
15244 Crito, I owe a cock to Asclepius; will you remember to pay the debt?
15245 -- Socrates' last words
15248 If tin whistles are made of tin, what are foghorns made of?
15251 The amount of work done varies inversely
15252 with the time spent in the office.
15254 Crucifixes are sexy because there's a naked man on them.
15257 Cruickshank's Law of Committees:
15258 If a committee is allowed to discuss a bad idea long enough, it
15259 will inevitably decide to implement the idea simply because so
15260 much work has already been done on it.
15262 Crusade for Cthulhu! It Found ME!
15264 Crush! Kill! Destroy!
15268 Cthulhu for President!
15269 (If you're tired of choosing the lesser of two evils.)
15271 Cthulhu Saves -- in case He's hungry later.
15273 Culture is the habit of being pleased with the best and knowing why.
15275 Cure the disease and kill the patient.
15279 One whose program will not run.
15284 -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
15286 curtation n. The enforced compression of a string in the fixed-length field
15288 The problem of fitting extremely variable-length strings such as names,
15289 addresses, and item descriptions into fixed-length records is no trivial
15290 matter. Neglect of the subtle art of curtation has probably alienated more
15291 people than any other aspect of data processing. You order Mozart's "Don
15292 Giovanni" from your record club, and they invoice you $24.95 for MOZ DONG.
15293 The witless mapping of the sublime onto the ridiculous! Equally puzzling is
15294 the curtation that produces the same eight characters, THE BEST, whether you
15295 order "The Best of Wagner", "The Best of Schubert", or "The Best of the Turds".
15296 Similarly, wine lovers buying from computerized wineries twirl their glasses,
15297 check their delivery notes, and inform their friends, "A rather innocent,
15298 possibly overtruncated CAB SAUV 69 TAL." The squeezing of fruit into 10
15299 columns has yielded such memorable obscenities as COX OR PIP. The examples
15300 cited are real, and the curtational methodology which produced them is still
15304 Curtation of Don Giovanni by Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart and Lorenzo da
15305 Ponte, as performed by the computerized billing ensemble of the Internat'l
15306 Preview Society, Great Neck (sic), N.Y.
15307 -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
15309 Custer committed Siouxicide.
15311 Cut a man's hand when you fight him. He'll freeze, fascinated by the sight
15312 of his own blood. That's when you stick him in the throat.
15315 If you look rather casual with the knife when you flick it open, people
15319 Cutler Webster's Law:
15320 There are two sides to every argument, unless a person
15321 is personally involved, in which case there is only one.
15323 Cutting the space budget really restores my faith in humanity. It
15324 eliminates dreams, goals, and ideals and lets us get straight to the
15325 business of hate, debauchery, and self-annihilation.
15329 A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not
15330 as they ought to be. Hence the custom among the Scythians of plucking
15331 out a cynic's eyes to improve his vision.
15332 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
15338 One who looks through rose-colored glasses with a jaundiced eye.
15340 Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why
15341 several of us died of tuberculosis.
15345 The city that chose Astroturf to
15346 keep the cheerleaders from grazing.
15348 Dallas still lives. God MUST be dead.
15350 Dammit Jim, I'm an actor not a doctor.
15352 "Dammit, man, that's unprofessional! A good bartender laughs anyway!"
15355 -- William Blake, "Proverbs of Hell"
15357 Damn, I need a Coke!
15358 -- Dr. William DeVries
15359 [after implanting the first artificial human heart]
15361 DAMN IT, I GOTTA GET OUTTA HERE!
15364 -- R. Buckminster Fuller
15366 Dark and lonely on a summer night
15369 The watchdog barkin'
15373 Slip in his window.
15375 Then his house I start to wreck
15380 C-I-L-L my landlord!
15381 -- "Images" by Tyrone Green, SNL
15383 Darling: the popular form of address used in speaking to a member of the
15384 opposite sex whose name you cannot at the moment remember.
15387 Darth Vader! Only you would be so bold!
15388 -- Princess Leia Organa
15390 Darth Vader sleeps with a Teddywookie.
15393 An accrual of straws on the backs of theories.
15396 Computerspeak for "information". Properly pronounced
15397 the way Bostonians pronounce the word for a female child.
15399 Dave Mack: "Your stupidity, Allen, is simply not up to par."
15400 Allen Gwinn: "Yours is."
15402 David Letterman's "Things we can be proud of as Americans":
15404 * Greatest number of citizens who have actually boarded a UFO
15405 * Many newspapers feature "JUMBLE"
15406 * Hourly motel rates
15407 * Vast majority of Elvis movies made here
15408 * Didn't just give up right away during World War II
15409 like some countries we could mention
15410 * Goatees & Van Dykes thought to be worn only by weenies
15411 * Our well-behaved golf professionals
15412 * Fabulous babes coast to coast
15414 Davis' Law of Traffic Density:
15415 The density of rush-hour traffic is directly proportional to
15416 1.5 times the amount of extra time you allow to arrive on time.
15419 Problems that go away by themselves, come back by themselves.
15422 The time when men of reason go to bed.
15423 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
15425 Day of inquiry. You will be subpoenaed.
15427 %DCL-E-MEMBAD, bad memory
15428 -SYSTEM-F-VMSPDGERS, pudding between the ears
15431 Anyone in your company who is more senior than you are.
15433 Dealing with failure is easy:
15434 Work hard to improve.
15435 Success is also easy to handle:
15436 You've solved the wrong problem. Work hard to improve.
15438 Dealing with the problem of pure staff accumulation,
15439 all our researches ... point to an average increase of 5.75% per year.
15443 How can I choose what groups to post in?
15447 Pick as many as you can, so that you get the widest audience. After
15448 all, the net exists to give you an audience. Ignore those who suggest you
15449 should only use groups where you think the article is highly appropriate.
15450 Pick all groups where anybody might even be slightly interested.
15451 Always make sure followups go to all the groups. In the rare event
15452 that you post a followup which contains something original, make sure you
15453 expand the list of groups. Never include a "Followup-to:" line in the
15454 header, since some people might miss part of the valuable discussion in
15456 -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette
15459 I collected replies to an article I wrote, and now it's time to
15460 summarize. What should I do?
15464 Simply concatenate all the articles together into a big file and post
15465 that. On USENET, this is known as a summary. It lets people read all the
15466 replies without annoying newsreaders getting in the way. Do the same when
15467 summarizing a vote.
15468 -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette
15471 I recently read an article that said, "reply by mail, I'll summarize."
15476 Post your response to the whole net. That request applies only to
15477 dumb people who don't have something interesting to say. Your postings are
15478 much more worthwhile than other people's, so it would be a waste to reply by
15480 -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette
15483 I saw a long article that I wish to rebut carefully, what should
15488 Include the entire text with your article, and include your comments
15489 between the lines. Be sure to post, and not mail, even though your article
15490 looks like a reply to the original. Everybody *loves* to read those long
15491 point-by-point debates, especially when they evolve into name-calling and
15492 lots of "Is too!" -- "Is not!" -- "Is too, twizot!" exchanges.
15493 -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette
15496 I'm having a serious disagreement with somebody on the net. I
15497 tried complaints to his sysadmin, organizing mail campaigns, called for
15498 his removal from the net and phoning his employer to get him fired.
15499 Everybody laughed at me. What can I do?
15500 -- A Concerned Citizen
15503 Go to the daily papers. Most modern reporters are top-notch computer
15504 experts who will understand the net, and your problems, perfectly. They
15505 will print careful, reasoned stories without any errors at all, and surely
15506 represent the situation properly to the public. The public will also all
15507 act wisely, as they are also fully cognizant of the subtle nature of net
15509 Papers never sensationalize or distort, so be sure to point out things
15510 like racism and sexism wherever they might exist. Be sure as well that they
15511 understand that all things on the net, particularly insults, are meant
15512 literally. Link what transpires on the net to the causes of the Holocaust, if
15513 possible. If regular papers won't take the story, go to a tabloid paper --
15514 they are always interested in good stories.
15517 I'm still confused as to what groups articles should be posted
15518 to. How about an example?
15522 Ok. Let's say you want to report that Gretzky has been traded from
15523 the Oilers to the Kings. Now right away you might think rec.sport.hockey
15524 would be enough. WRONG. Many more people might be interested. This is a
15525 big trade! Since it's a NEWS article, it belongs in the news.* hierarchy
15526 as well. If you are a news admin, or there is one on your machine, try
15527 news.admin. If not, use news.misc.
15528 The Oilers are probably interested in geology, so try sci.physics.
15529 He is a big star, so post to sci.astro, and sci.space because they are also
15530 interested in stars. Next, his name is Polish sounding. So post to
15531 soc.culture.polish. But that group doesn't exist, so cross-post to
15532 news.groups suggesting it should be created. With this many groups of
15533 interest, your article will be quite bizarre, so post to talk.bizarre as
15534 well. (And post to comp.std.mumps, since they hardly get any articles
15535 there, and a "comp" group will propagate your article further.)
15536 You may also find it is more fun to post the article once in each
15537 group. If you list all the newsgroups in the same article, some newsreaders
15538 will only show the article to the reader once! Don't tolerate this.
15539 -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette
15542 Today I posted an article and forgot to include my signature.
15547 Rush to your terminal right away and post an article that says,
15548 "Oops, I forgot to post my signature with that last article. Here
15550 Since most people will have forgotten your earlier article,
15551 (particularly since it dared to be so boring as to not have a nice, juicy
15552 signature) this will remind them of it. Besides, people care much more
15553 about the signature anyway.
15554 -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette
15556 Dear Emily, what about test messages?
15560 It is important, when testing, to test the entire net. Never test
15561 merely a subnet distribution when the whole net can be done. Also put "please
15562 ignore" on your test messages, since we all know that everybody always skips
15563 a message with a line like that. Don't use a subject like "My sex is female
15564 but I demand to be addressed as male." because such articles are read in depth
15566 -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette
15569 You don't know who I am and frankly shouldn't care, but
15570 unknown to you we have something in common. We are both rather
15571 prone to mistakes. I was elected Student Government President by
15572 mistake, and you came to school here by mistake.
15575 I just want *___
\b\b\bone* one-armed manager so I never have to hear "On
15576 the other hand", again.
15578 Dear Lord: Please make my words sweet and tender, for tomorrow I may
15582 My home economics teacher says that one must never place one's
15583 elbows on the table. However, I have read that one elbow, in between
15584 courses, is all right. Which is correct?
15587 For the purpose of answering examinations in your home
15588 economics class, your teacher is correct. Catching on to this
15589 principle of education may be of even greater importance to you now
15590 than learning correct current table manners, vital as Miss Manners
15594 Please list some tactful ways of removing a man's saliva from
15598 Please list some decent ways of acquiring a man's saliva on
15602 I carry a big black umbrella, even if there's just a thirty percent chance of
15603 rain. May I ask a young lady who is a stranger to me to share its protection?
15604 This morning, I was waiting for a bus in comparative comfort, my umbrella
15605 protecting me from the downpour, and noticed an attractive young woman getting
15606 soaked. I have often seen her at my bus stop, although we have never spoken,
15607 and I don't even know her name. Could I have asked her to get under my
15608 umbrella without seeming insulting?
15611 Certainly. Consideration for those less fortunate than you is always proper,
15612 although it would be more convincing if you stopped babbling about how
15613 attractive she is. In order not to give Good Samaritanism a bad name, Miss
15614 Manners asks you to allow her two or three rainy days of unmolested protection
15615 before making your attack.
15617 Dear Mister Language Person: I am curious about the expression, "Part
15618 of this complete breakfast". The way it comes up is, my 5-year-old
15619 will be watching TV cartoon shows in the morning, and they'll show a
15620 commercial for a children's compressed breakfast compound such as
15621 "Froot Loops" or "Lucky Charms", and they always show it sitting on a
15622 table next to some actual food such as eggs, and the announcer always
15623 says: "Part of this complete breakfast". Doesn't that really mean,
15624 "Adjacent to this complete breakfast", or "On the same table as this
15625 complete breakfast"? And couldn't they make essentially the same claim
15626 if, instead of Froot Loops, they put a can of shaving cream there, or a
15630 -- Dave Barry, "Tips for Writer's"
15632 Dear Mister Language Person: What is the purpose of the apostrophe?
15634 Answer: The apostrophe is used mainly in hand-lettered small business
15635 signs to alert the reader that an "S" is coming up at the end of a
15636 word, as in: WE DO NOT EXCEPT PERSONAL CHECK'S, or: NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR
15637 ANY ITEM'S. Another important grammar concept to bear in mind when
15638 creating hand-lettered small-business signs is that you should put
15639 quotation marks around random words for decoration, as in "TRY" OUR HOT
15640 DOG'S, or even TRY "OUR" HOT DOG'S.
15641 -- Dave Barry, "Tips for Writer's"
15644 I couldn't get mail through to somebody on another site. What
15649 No problem, just post your message to a group that a lot of people
15650 read. Say, "This is for John Smith. I couldn't get mail through so I'm
15651 posting it. All others please ignore."
15652 This way tens of thousands of people will spend a few seconds scanning
15653 over and ignoring your article, using up over 16 man-hours their collective
15654 time, but you will be saved the terrible trouble of checking through usenet
15655 maps or looking for alternate routes. Just think, if you couldn't distribute
15656 your message to 9000 other computers, you might actually have to (gasp) call
15657 directory assistance for 60 cents, or even phone the person. This can cost
15658 as much as a few DOLLARS (!) for a 5 minute call!
15659 And certainly it's better to spend 10 to 20 dollars of other people's
15660 money distributing the message than for you to have to waste $9 on an overnight
15661 letter, or even 25 cents on a stamp!
15662 Don't forget. The world will end if your message doesn't get through,
15663 so post it as many places as you can.
15664 -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette
15667 I am firmly opposed to the spread of microchips either to the home or
15668 to the office, we have more than enough of them foisted upon us in public
15669 places. They are a disgusting Americanism, and can only result in the farmers
15670 being forced to grow smaller potatoes, which in turn will cause massive un-
15671 employment in the already severely depressed agricultural industry.
15673 Capt. Quinton D'Arcy, J. P.
15675 -- Letters To The Editor, The Times of London
15678 To stop sinning suddenly.
15681 Death before dishonor.
15682 But neither before breakfast.
15684 Death comes on every passing breeze,
15685 He lurks in every flower;
15686 Each season has its own disease,
15687 Its peril -- every hour.
15690 Death has been proven to be 99% fatal in laboratory rats.
15692 Death is a spirit leaving a body, sort
15693 of like a shell leaving the nut behind.
15696 Death is God's way of telling you not to be such a wise guy.
15698 Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired.
15701 Death is Nature's way of recycling human beings.
15703 Death is nature's way of saying `Howdy'.
15705 Death is nature's way of telling you to slow down.
15707 Death is only a state of mind.
15709 Only it doesn't leave you much time to think about anything else.
15711 Death rays don't kill people, people kill people!
15713 Death to all fanatics!
15716 The only wish that always comes true, whether or not one wishes it to.
15718 Debug is human, de-fix divine.
15720 DEC diagnostics would run on a dead whale.
15723 Decemba, n: The 12th month of the year.
15724 erra, n: A mistake.
15725 faa, n: To, from, or at considerable distance.
15726 Linder, n: A female name.
15727 memba, n: To recall to the mind; think of again.
15728 New Hampsha, n: A state in the northeast United States.
15729 New Yaak, n: Another state in the northeast United States.
15730 Novemba, n: The 11th month of the year.
15731 Octoba, n: The 10th month of the year.
15732 ova, n: Location above or across a specified position. What the
15733 season is when the Knicks quit playing.
15734 -- Massachewsetts Unabridged Dictionary
15736 Decision maker, n.:
15737 The person in your office who was unable to form a task force
15738 before the music stopped.
15741 The person in your office who was unable
15742 to form a task force before the music stopped.
15744 Decisions of the judges will be final unless shouted down by a really
15745 overwhelming majority of the crowd present. Abusive and obscene
15746 language may not be used by contestants when addressing members of the
15747 judging panel, or, conversely, by members of the judging panel when
15748 addressing contestants (unless struck by a boomerang).
15749 -- Mudgeeraba Creek Emu-Riding and Boomerang-Throwing
15752 Declared guilty... of displaying feelings of an almost human nature.
15753 -- Pink Floyd, "The Wall"
15755 Decorate your home. It gives the illusion
15756 that your life is more interesting than it really is.
15759 "Deep" is a word like "theory" or "semantic" -- it implies all sorts of
15760 marvelous things. It's one thing to be able to say "I've got a
15761 theory", quite another to say "I've got a semantic theory", but, ah,
15762 those who can claim "I've got a deep semantic theory", they are truly
15767 The hardware's, of course.
15770 [Possibly from Black English "De fault wid dis system is you,
15771 mon."] The vain attempt to avoid errors by inactivity. "Nothing will
15772 come of nothing: speak again." -- King Lear.
15773 -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
15775 Defeat is worse than death because you have to live with defeat.
15778 #define BITCOUNT(x) (((BX_(x)+(BX_(x)>>4)) & 0x0F0F0F0F) % 255)
15779 #define BX_(x) ((x) - (((x)>>1)&0x77777777) \
15780 - (((x)>>2)&0x33333333) \
15781 - (((x)>>3)&0x11111111))
15783 -- really weird C code to count the number of bits in a word
15785 Definitions of hardware and software for dummies:
15787 Hardware is what you kick;
15788 Software is what you curse.
15790 Deflector shields just came on, Captain.
15793 (cond ((null c) () )
15795 (append (list (eval (list 'getchar (list (car c) 'a) (cadr c))))
15797 (t (append (list (implode (nf a (car c)))) (nf a (cdr c))))))
15799 (defun AD (want-job challenging boston-area)
15801 ((or (not (equal want-job 'yes))
15802 (not (equal boston-area 'yes))
15803 (lessp challenging 7)) () )
15804 (t (append (nf (get 'ad 'expr)
15805 '((caaddr 1 caadr 2 car 1 car 1)
15806 (car 5 cadadr 9 cadadr 8 cadadr 9 caadr 4 car 2 car 1)
15808 (list '851-5071x2661)))))
15809 ;;; We are an affirmative action employer.
15812 French., already seen; unoriginal; trite.
15813 Psychol., The illusion of having previously experienced
15814 something actually being encountered for the first time.
15815 Psychol., The illusion of having previously experienced
15816 something actually being encountered for the first time.
15818 Delay is preferable to error.
15819 -- Thomas Jefferson
15821 Delay not, Caesar. Read it instantly.
15822 -- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar" 3,1
15824 Here is a letter, read it at your leisure.
15825 -- William Shakespeare, "Merchant of Venice" 5,1
15827 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
15828 referring to I/O system services.]
15830 Deliberate provocation of mystical experience, particularly by LSD and
15831 related hallucinogens, in contrast to spontaneous visionary experiences,
15832 entails dangers that must not be underestimated. Practitioners must take
15833 into account the peculiar effects of these substances, namely their ability
15834 to influence our consciousness, the innermost essence of our being. The
15835 history of LSD to date amply demonstrates the catastrophic consequences that
15836 can ensue when its profound effect is misjudged and the substance is mistaken
15837 for a pleasure drug. Special internal and external advance preparations
15838 are required; with them, an LSD experiment can become a meaningful experience.
15839 -- Dr. Albert Hoffman, the discoverer of LSD
15841 I believe that if people would learn to use LSD's vision-inducing capability
15842 more wisely, under suitable conditions, in medical practice and in conjunction
15843 with meditation, then in the future this problem child could become a wonder
15845 -- Dr. Albert Hoffman
15848 The act of examining one's bread to determine which side it is
15850 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
15852 Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow.
15854 Delores breezed along the surface of her life like a flat stone forever
15855 skipping along smooth water, rippling reality sporadically but oblivious
15856 to it consistently, until she finally lost momentum, sank, and due to an
15857 overdose of fluoride as a child which caused her to suffer from chronic
15858 apathy, doomed herself to lie forever on the floor of her life as useless
15859 as an appendix and as lonely as a five-hundred pound barbell in a
15860 steroid-free fitness center.
15861 -- Winning sentence, 1990 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest
15863 Delusions are often functional. A mother's opinions about
15864 her children's beauty, intelligence, goodness, et cetera ad
15865 nauseam, keep her from drowning them at birth.
15867 Demand the establishment of the government
15868 in its rightful home at Disneyland.
15870 Democracy becomes a government of bullies, tempered by editors.
15871 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
15873 Democracy can only be measured on the existence of an opposition.
15874 -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967)
15876 Democracy is a device that ensures we shall be governed no better than
15878 -- George Bernard Shaw
15880 Democracy is a form of government in which it is permitted to wonder
15881 aloud what the country could do under first-class management.
15884 Democracy is a form of government that substitutes election by the
15885 incompetent many for appointment by the corrupt few.
15886 -- George Bernard Shaw
15888 Democracy is a government where you can say what you think even if you
15891 Democracy is a process by which the people are free to choose the man who
15892 will get the blame.
15893 -- Dr. Laurence J. Peter
15895 Democracy is also a form of worship.
15896 It is the worship of Jackals by Jackasses.
15899 Democracy is good. I say this because other systems are worse.
15900 -- Jawaharlal Nehru
15902 Democracy is the name we give the people whenever we need them.
15903 -- Arman de Caillavet, 1913
15905 Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half of the people
15906 are right more than half of the time.
15909 Democracy is the theory that the common people know what they want, and
15910 deserve to get it good and hard.
15911 -- H. L. Mencken, "Little Book in C major", 1916
15913 Democracy is the worst form of government except all those other
15914 forms that have been tried from time to time.
15915 -- Winston Churchill
15918 A government of the masses. Authority derived through mass
15919 meeting or any other form of direct expression. Results in mobocracy.
15920 Attitude toward property is communistic... negating property rights.
15921 Attitude toward law is that the will of the majority shall regulate,
15922 whether it is based upon deliberation or governed by passion,
15923 prejudice, and impulse, without restraint or regard to consequences.
15924 Result is demagogism, license, agitation, discontent, anarchy.
15925 -- U. S. Army Training Manual No. 2000-25 (1928-1932),
15929 In which you say what you like and do what you're told.
15932 The difference between a Democracy and a Dictatorship is that in a
15933 Democracy you vote first and take orders later; in a Dictatorship
15934 you don't have to waste your time voting.
15935 -- Charles Bukowski
15937 Democrats buy most of the books that have been banned somewhere.
15938 Republicans form censorship committees and read them as a group.
15940 Republicans consume three-fourths of the rutabaga produced in the USA.
15941 The remainder is thrown out.
15943 Republicans usually wear hats and almost always clean their paint brushes.
15945 Republicans study the financial pages of the newspaper.
15946 Democrats put them in the bottom of the bird cage.
15948 Most of the stuff alongside the road has been thrown out of car
15949 windows by Democrats.
15950 -- Paul Dickson, "The Official Rules"
15952 Demographic polls show that you have lost credibility across the
15953 board. Especially with those 14 year-old Valley girls.
15955 Dental health is next to mental health.
15958 A Prestidigitator who, putting metal in one's mouth, pulls
15959 coins out of one's pockets.
15960 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
15963 A smallish city located just below the `O' in Colorado.
15965 Depart in pieces, i.e., split.
15967 Depart not from the path which fate has assigned you.
15969 Department chairmen never die, they just lose their faculties.
15971 Depend on the rabbit's foot if you will,
15972 but remember, it didn't help the rabbit.
15975 Deprive a mirror of its silver and even the Czar won't see his face.
15977 Der Horizont vieler Menschen ist ein Kreis mit Radius Null -
15978 und das nennen sie ihren Standpunkt.
15981 What you regret not doing later on.
15984 What you regret not doing later on.
15986 Desist from enumerating your fowl
15987 prior to their emergence from the shell.
15989 Despising machines to a man,
15990 The Luddites joined up with the Klan,
15991 And ride out by night
15992 In a sheeting of white
15993 To lynch all the robots they can.
15994 -- C. M. and G. A. Maxson
15996 Despite all appearances, your boss
15997 is a thinking, feeling, human being.
15999 Dessert is probably the most important stage of the meal, since it will
16000 be the last thing your guests remember before they pass out all over
16002 -- The Anarchist Cookbook
16004 Destiny is a good thing to accept when it's going your way. When it isn't,
16005 don't call it destiny; call it injustice, treachery, or simple bad luck.
16006 -- Joseph Heller, "God Knows"
16008 Detroit is Cleveland without the glitter.
16011 If you hit two keys on the typewriter, the one you don't want
16014 Dianetics is a milestone for man comparable to his discovery of
16015 fire and superior to his invention of the wheel and the arch.
16018 Dibble's First Law of Sociology:
16019 Some do, some don't.
16021 Did I say 2? I lied.
16023 Did it ever occur to you that fat chance
16024 and slim chance mean the same thing?
16026 Or that we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
16028 Did you ever notice that everyone in favour of birth control
16029 has already been born?
16032 Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think
16033 that's how dogs spend their lives.
16036 Did you ever wonder what you'd say to God if He sneezed?
16038 "Did YOU find a DIGITAL WATCH in YOUR box of VELVEETA?"
16039 -- Zippy the Pinhead
16041 Did you hear about the model who sat
16042 on a broken bottle and cut a nice figure?
16044 Did you hear that Captain Crunch, Sugar Bear, Tony the Tiger, and
16045 Snap, Crackle and Pop were all murdered recently...
16047 Police suspect the work of a cereal killer!
16049 Did you hear that there's a group of South American Indians that worship
16054 Did you hear that two rabbits escaped from the zoo and so far they have
16055 only recaptured 116 of them?
16058 EVERY TIME A LOAF OF BREAD IS BAKED,
16060 150,000,000 YEASTS ARE
16063 Come to the award-winning 1987 film,
16064 "The Very Small and Quiet Screams"
16065 -- a cinematic electromicrograph of yeasts being baked.
16067 A must for those who care about yeast, and especially for those who don't.
16070 Brown Anaerobe Rights Coalition (BARC)
16071 Student Bakers for Social Responsibility
16072 Coalition for the ELevation of Life (CELL)
16073 Campus Crusade for Fetal Matters
16075 Defend all life: "From greatest to least, from human to yeast!"
16077 Did you know about the -o option of the fortune program? It makes a
16078 selection from a set of offensive and/or obscene fortunes. Why not
16079 try it, and see how offended you are? The -a ("all") option will
16080 select a fortune at random from either the offensive or inoffensive
16081 set, and it is suggested that "fortune -a" is the command that you
16082 should have in your .profile or .cshrc. file.
16084 Did you know that clones never use mirrors?
16085 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
16087 Did you know that for the price of a 280-Z you can buy two Z-80's?
16090 Did you know that if you took all the economists in the world and lined
16091 them up end to end, they'd still point in the wrong direction?
16095 That no-one ever reads these things?
16097 Did you know that the voice tapes easily identify the Russian pilot
16098 that shot down the Korean jet? At one point he definitely states:
16100 "Natasha! First we shoot jet, then we go after moose and
16105 Did you know the University of Iowa
16106 closed down after someone stole the book?
16108 Didja' ever have to make up your mind,
16109 Pick up on one and leave the other behind,
16110 It's not often easy, and it's not often kind,
16111 Didja' ever have to make up your mind?
16114 Didja hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper who sold his soul to Santa?
16116 "Didn't I buy a 1951 Packard from you last March in Cairo?"
16117 -- Zippy the Pinhead
16119 "Die? I should say not, dear fellow. No Barrymore would allow such a
16120 conventional thing to happen to him."
16121 -- John Barrymore's dying words
16124 To stop sinning suddenly.
16127 Diet Mountain Dew has the same pH and density of urine.
16128 -- Newsweek, 31 July, 1989
16130 Dieters live life in the fasting lane.
16132 Different all twisty a of in maze are you, passages little.
16134 Digital circuits are made from analog parts.
16137 Dignity is like a flag.
16138 It flaps in a storm.
16143 Dimensions will always be expressed in the least usable term, convertible
16144 only through the use of weird and unnatural conversion factors. Velocity,
16145 for example, will be expressed in furlongs per fortnight.
16147 Dimensions will always be expressed in the least usable term.
16148 Velocity, for example, will be expressed in furlongs per fortnight.
16150 Dinner is ready when the smoke alarm goes off.
16152 Dinner suggestion #302 (Hacker's De-lite):
16153 1 tin imported Brisling sardines in tomato sauce
16154 1 pouch Chocolate Malt Carnation Instant Breakfast
16157 Dinosaurs aren't extinct. They've just learned to hide in the trees.
16159 Diogenes, having abandoned his search for
16160 truth, is now searching for a good fantasy.
16162 Diogenes went to look for an honest lawyer. "How's it going?", someone
16163 asked him, after a few days.
16164 "Not too bad", replied Diogenes. "I still have my lantern."
16166 Diplomacy is about surviving until the next century.
16167 Politics is about surviving until Friday afternoon.
16168 -- Sir Humphrey Appleby
16170 Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else have your way.
16172 Diplomacy is the art of letting the other party have things your way.
16175 Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you can find a rock.
16178 Diplomacy is to do and say, the nastiest thing in the nicest way.
16184 Dirksen's Three Laws of Politics:
16188 3: Don't get mad, get even.
16189 -- Sen. Everett Dirksen
16192 As distinguished from some other bar.
16194 Disc space -- the final frontier!
16196 Disclaimer: Any resemblance between the above views and those of my
16197 employer, my terminal, or the view out my window are purely
16198 coincidental. Any resemblance between the above and my own views is
16199 non-deterministic. The question of the existence of views in the
16200 absence of anyone to hold them is left as an exercise for the reader.
16201 The question of the existence of the reader is left as an exercise for
16202 the second god coefficient. (A discussion of non-orthogonal,
16203 non-integral polytheism is beyond the scope of this article.)
16205 Disclaimer: "These opinions are my own, though for a small fee they be
16210 Use of this advanced computing technology does not imply
16211 an endorsement of Western industrial civilization.
16213 Disclose classified information only when a NEED TO KNOW exists.
16215 Disco is to music what Etch-A-Sketch is to art.
16217 Disease can be cured; fate is incurable.
16220 Dishonor will not trouble me, once I am dead.
16223 Disk crisis, please clean up!
16225 Disks travel in packs.
16227 Disraeli was pretty close: actually, there are Lies, Damn lies, Statistics,
16228 Benchmarks, and Delivery dates.
16230 Distance doesn't make you any smaller,
16231 but it does make you part of a larger picture.
16234 A different color or shape than our competitors.
16237 A disease incurred by exposure to the prosperity of a friend.
16238 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
16240 District of Columbia pedestrians who leap over passing autos to escape
16241 injury, and then strike the car as they come down, are liable for any
16242 damage inflicted on the vehicle.
16244 Distrust all those who love you extremely upon a very slight
16245 acquaintance and without any visible reason.
16246 -- Lord Chesterfield
16248 Ditat Deus. (God enriches.)
16250 Divorce is a game played by lawyers.
16253 Do clones have navels?
16255 Do I like getting drunk? Depends on who's doing the drinking.
16258 Do infants have as much fun in infancy as adults do in adultery?
16260 Do Miami a favor. When you leave, take someone with you.
16262 Do molecular biologists wear designer genes?
16264 Do more than anyone expects, and pretty soon everyone will expect more.
16266 Do not believe in miracles -- rely on them.
16268 Do not clog intellect's sluices with bits of knowledge of questionable uses.
16270 Do not count your chickens before they are hatched.
16273 Do not despair of life. You have no doubt force enough to overcome
16274 your obstacles. Think of the fox prowling through wood and field in
16275 a winter night for something to satisfy his hunger. Notwithstanding
16276 cold and hounds and traps, his race survives. I do not believe any
16277 of them ever committed suicide.
16278 -- Henry David Thoreau
16280 Do not do unto others as you would they should do unto you.
16281 Their tastes may not be the same.
16282 -- George Bernard Shaw
16284 Do not drink coffee in early a.m. It will keep you awake until noon.
16286 Do not handicap your children by making their lives easy.
16287 -- Robert A. Heinlein
16289 Do not meddle in the affairs of troff, for it is subtle and quick to
16292 "Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards, for you are crunchy and good
16295 Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards,
16296 for they become soggy and hard to light.
16298 Do not throw cigarette butts in the urinal,
16299 for they are subtle and quick to anger.
16301 Do not overtax your powers.
16303 Do not read this fortune under penalty of law.
16304 Violators will be prosecuted.
16305 (Penal Code sec. 2.3.2 (II.a.))
16307 Do not seek death; death will find you.
16308 But seek the road which makes death a fulfillment.
16309 -- Dag Hammarskjold
16311 Do not simplify the design of a program if a way
16312 can be found to make it complex and wonderful.
16314 Do not sleep in a eucalyptus tree tonight.
16316 Do not stoop to tie your laces in your neighbor's melon patch.
16318 Do not take life too seriously; you will never get out of it alive.
16320 Do not think by infection, catching an opinion like a cold.
16322 Do not try to solve all life's problems at once -- learn to dread each
16326 Do not underestimate the power of the Farce.
16328 Do not use that foreign word "ideals". We have that excellent native
16330 -- Henrik Ibsen, "The Wild Duck"
16332 Do not use the blue keys on this terminal.
16334 Do not worry about which side your
16335 bread is buttered on: you eat BOTH sides.
16337 Do nothing unless you must, and when you must act -- hesitate.
16339 Do, or do not; there is no try.
16341 Do people know you have freckles everywhere?
16343 Do something unusual today. Pay a bill.
16345 Do students of Zen Buddhism do Om-work?
16347 Do unto others before they undo you.
16349 Do what comes naturally now. Seethe and fume and throw a tantrum.
16351 Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the Law.
16352 -- Aleister Crowley
16354 Do what you can to prolong your life,
16355 in the hope that someday you'll learn what it's for.
16357 Do you believe in intuition?
16358 No, but I have a strange feeling that someday I will.
16360 Do you feel personally responsible for the world food shortage?
16361 Every time you go to the beach, does the tide come in?
16362 Have you ever eaten an entire moose?
16363 Can you see your neck?
16364 Do joggers take laps around you for exercise?
16365 If so, welcome to National Fat Week.
16366 This week we'll eat without guilt, and kick off our membership campaign,
16367 ...by force-feeding a box of cornstarch to a skinny person.
16370 Do you guys know what you're doing, or are you just hacking?
16372 Do you have lysdexia?
16374 Do YOU have redeeming social value?
16376 Do you know, I think that Dr. Swift was silly to laugh about Laputa.
16377 I believe it is a mistake to make a mock of people, just because they
16378 think. There are ninety thousand people in this world who do not
16379 think, for every one who does, and these people hate the thinkers
16380 like poison. Even if some thinkers are fanciful, it is wrong to make
16381 fun of them for it. Better to think about cucumbers even, than not
16385 Do you know Montana?
16387 Do you know the difference between education and experience? Education
16388 is when you read the fine print; experience is what you get when you don't.
16391 Do you mean that you not only want a wrong
16392 answer, but a certain wrong answer?
16395 Do you realize how many holes there could be if people would just take
16396 the time to take the dirt out of them?
16398 Do you realize the responsibility I carry? I'm the only person standing
16399 between Nixon and the White House.
16400 -- John F. Kennedy, in 1960
16402 Do you suffer painful elimination?
16403 -- Donald E. Knuth, "Structured Programming with Gotos"
16405 Do you suffer painful recrimination?
16406 -- Nancy Boxer, "Structured Programming with Come-froms"
16408 Do you suffer painful illumination?
16409 -- Isaac Newton, "Optics"
16411 Do you suffer painful hallucination?
16412 -- Don Juan, cited by Carlos Casteneda
16414 Do you think that illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
16416 Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he
16417 just whipped out a quarter?
16420 "Do you think there's a God?"
16421 "Well, SOMEbody's out to get me!"
16422 -- Calvin and Hobbs
16424 "Do you think what we're doing is wrong?"
16425 "Of course it's wrong! It's illegal!"
16426 "I've never done anything illegal before."
16427 "I thought you said you were an accountant!"
16429 Do you think your mother and I should have lived
16430 comfortably so long together if ever we had been married?
16432 Do you want to know what's ahead for you, in your happiness at home,
16433 your business success? Here's a telling test: Look in the mirror. Is
16434 your skin smooth and lovely, your hair gleaming, your make-up glamorous?
16435 Are you slender enough for your height? Do you stand erect, confident?
16436 Yes? Then you are on your way to success as a woman.
16437 -- Ladies' Home Journal, 1947 advertisement
16439 Do your otters do the shimmy?
16440 Do they like to shake their tails?
16441 Do your wombats sleep in tophats?
16442 Is your garden full of snails?
16444 Do your part to help preserve life on
16445 Earth -- by trying to preserve your own.
16447 Doctors and lawyers must go to school for years and years, often with
16448 little sleep and with great sacrifice to their first wives.
16449 -- Roy G. Blount, Jr.
16452 Instructions translated from Swedish by Japanese for English
16455 Documentation is like sex: when it is good, it is very, very good; and
16456 when it is bad, it is better than nothing.
16459 Documentation is the castor oil of programming. Managers know it must
16460 be good because the programmers hate it so much.
16462 Does a good farmer neglect a crop he has planted?
16463 Does a good teacher overlook even the most humble student?
16464 Does a good father allow a single child to starve?
16465 Does a good programmer refuse to maintain his code?
16466 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
16468 Does a one-legged duck swim in a circle?
16470 Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
16472 Dogs just don't seem to be able to tell the difference between important people
16473 and the rest of us.
16475 Doin' it in the dark, down in Rock Creek Park.
16477 Doing gets it done.
16479 Domestic happiness and faithful friends.
16481 Don: I didn't know you had a cousin Penelope, Bill! Was she
16483 W. C.: Well, her face was so wrinkled it looked like seven miles of
16484 bad road. She had so many gold teeth, Don, she use to have to
16485 sleep with her head in a safe. She died in Bolivia.
16486 Don: Oh Bill, it must be hard to lose a relative.
16487 W. C.: It's almost impossible.
16488 -- W. C. Fields, from "The Further Adventures of Larson
16489 E. Whipsnade and other Tarradiddles"
16491 Don't abandon hope: your Tom Mix decoder ring arrives tomorrow.
16493 Don't abandon hope.
16494 Your Captain Midnight decoder ring arrives tomorrow.
16496 Don't assume that every sad-eyed woman has loved and lost -- she may
16499 Don't be concerned, it will not harm you,
16500 It's only me pursuing something I'm not sure of,
16501 Across my dreams, with neptive wonder,
16502 I chase the bright elusive butterfly of love.
16504 Don't be humble ... you're not that great.
16507 Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
16509 Don't be overly suspicious where it's not warranted.
16511 Don't believe everything you hear or anything you say.
16513 Don't buy a landslide. I don't want to have to pay for one more vote
16515 -- Joseph P. Kennedy, on JFK's election strategy
16517 Don't change the reason, just change the excuses!
16520 "Don't come back until you have him", the Tick-Tock Man said quietly,
16521 sincerely, extremely dangerously.
16523 They used dogs. They used probes. They used cardio plate crossoffs.
16524 They used teepers. They used bribery. They used stick tites. They
16525 used intimidation. They used torment. They used torture. They used
16526 finks. They used cops. They used search and seizure. They used
16527 fallaron. They used betterment incentives. They used finger prints.
16528 They used the bertillion system. They used cunning. They used guile.
16529 They used treachery. They used Raoul-Mitgong but he wasn't much help.
16530 They used applied physics. They used techniques of criminology. And
16531 what the hell, they caught him.
16533 -- Harlan Ellison, "Repent, Harlequin, said the
16536 Don't compare floating point numbers solely for equality.
16538 Don't confuse things that need action
16539 with those that take care of themselves.
16541 Don't cook tonight -- starve a rat today!
16543 Don't crush that dwarf, hand me the pliers!
16544 -- Firesign Theatre
16546 Don't despair; your ideal lover is waiting for you around the corner.
16548 Don't despise your poor relations, they may become suddenly rich one day.
16551 Don't do the crime, if you can't do the time.
16552 -- Lt. Col. Ollie North
16554 Don't drink when you drive -- you might hit a bump and spill it.
16556 Don't drop acid -- take it pass/fail.
16557 -- Seen in a Ladies Room at Harvard
16559 Don't eat yellow snow.
16561 Don't ever slam a door; you might want to go back.
16563 Don't everyone thank me at once!
16566 Don't expect people to keep in step--
16567 it's hard enough just staying in line.
16569 Don't feed the bats tonight.
16571 Don't force it, get a larger hammer.
16574 Don't get even -- get odd!
16576 Don't get mad, get even.
16577 -- Joseph P. Kennedy
16579 Don't get even, get jewelry.
16582 Don't get mad, get interest.
16584 Don't get stuck in a closet -- wear yourself out.
16586 Don't get suckered in by the comments -- they can be terribly
16587 misleading. Debug only code.
16590 Don't get to bragging.
16592 "Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes
16593 you nothing. It was here first."
16596 Don't go surfing in South Dakota for a while.
16598 Don't go to bed with no price on your head.
16601 Don't guess - check your security regulations.
16603 Don't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep till noon.
16605 Don't have good ideas if you aren't willing to be responsible for them.
16607 Don't hit a man when he's down -- kick him; it's easier.
16609 Don't hit the keys so hard, it hurts.
16613 Don't interfere with the stranger's style.
16615 Don't just eat a hamburger; eat the HELL out of it.
16616 -- J. R. "Bob" Dobbs
16618 Don't kid yourself. Little is relevant, and nothing lasts forever.
16620 Don't kiss an elephant on the lips today.
16622 Don't knock President Fillmore. He kept us out of Vietnam.
16624 Don't know what time I'll be back, Mom.
16625 Probably soon after she throws me out.
16627 Don't let go of what you've got hold of,
16628 until you have hold of something else.
16629 -- First Rule of Wing Walking
16631 Don't let nobody tell you what you cannot do;
16632 don't let nobody tell you what's impossible for you;
16633 don't let nobody tell you what you got to do,
16634 or you'll never know ... what's on the other side of the rainbow...
16635 remember, if you don't follow your dreams,
16636 you'll never know what's on the other side of the rainbow...
16637 -- melba moore, "the other side of the rainbow"
16639 Don't let people drive you crazy when you know it's in walking distance.
16641 Don't let your mind wander -- it's too little to be let out alone.
16643 Don't let your status become too quo!
16645 Don't look back, the lemmings might be gaining on you.
16647 Don't look now, but the man in the moon is laughing at you.
16649 Don't look now, but there is a multi-legged creature on your shoulder.
16655 Your brains are in it.
16658 Don't make a big deal out of everything; just deal with everything.
16660 Don't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper.
16661 -- Scottish proverb
16663 Don't mind him; politicians always sound like that.
16665 Don't plan any hasty moves.
16666 You'll be evicted soon anyway.
16668 Don't put off for tomorrow what you can do today, because if you enjoy
16669 it today you can do it again tomorrow.
16671 Don't put off for tomorrow what you can do today because
16672 if you do it today, you can do it again tomorrow.
16674 Don't put too fine a point to your wit for fear it should get blunted.
16675 -- Miguel de Cervantes
16677 Don't quit now, we might just as well
16678 lock the door and throw away the key.
16680 Don't read any sky-writing for the next two weeks.
16682 Don't read everything you believe.
16684 Don't relax! It's only your tension that's holding you together.
16686 Don't remember what you can infer.
16689 Don't say "yes" until I finish talking.
16690 -- Darryl F. Zanuck
16692 Don't shoot until you're sure you both aren't on the same side.
16694 Don't shout for help at night. You might wake your neighbors.
16695 -- Stanislaw J. Lec, "Unkempt Thoughts"
16697 Don't smoke the next cigarette. Repeat.
16699 Don't speak about Time, until you have spoken to him.
16701 Don't steal... the IRS hates competition!
16703 Don't steal; thou'lt never thus compete successfully in business.
16707 Don't stop to stomp ants when the elephants are stampeding.
16709 Don't suspect your friends -- turn them in!
16712 Don't sweat it -- it's only ones and zeros.
16715 Don't take a nickel, just hand them your business card.
16716 -- Richard Daley, advising on the safe enjoyment of graft
16718 Don't take life seriously, you'll never get out alive.
16720 Don't take life so serious, son, it ain't nohow permanent.
16723 Don't take life too seriously -- you'll never get out of it alive.
16725 Don't talk to me about naval tradition. It's nothing but rum,
16726 sodomy and the lash.
16727 -- Winston Churchill
16729 Don't tell any big lies today. Small ones can be just as effective.
16731 Don't tell me how hard you work. Tell me how much you get done.
16734 "Don't tell me I'm burning the candle at both ends -- tell me where to
16737 Don't tell me that worry doesn't do any good.
16738 I know better. The things I worry about don't happen.
16739 -- Watchman Examiner
16741 Don't tell me what you dream'd last night for I've been reading Freud.
16743 Don't try to have the last word -- you might get it.
16746 Don't try to outweird me, three-eyes. I get stranger things than you free
16747 with my breakfast cereal.
16748 -- Zaphod Beeblebrox
16750 Don't vote - it only encourages them!
16752 Don't wake me up too soon...
16753 Gonna take a ride across the moon...
16756 Don't worry. Life's too long.
16757 -- Vincent Sardi, Jr.
16759 Don't worry -- the brontosaurus is slow, stupid, and placid.
16761 Don't worry about avoiding temptation -- as you grow older, it starts
16763 -- The Old Farmer's Almanac
16765 "Don't worry about people stealing your ideas. If your ideas are any
16766 good, you'll have to ram them down people's throats."
16769 Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already
16770 tomorrow in Australia.
16773 Don't Worry, Be Happy.
16776 Don't worry if you're a kleptomaniac,
16777 you can always take something for it.
16779 Don't worry over what other people are thinking about you. They're too
16780 busy worrying over what you are thinking about them.
16782 Don't worry so loud, your roommate can't think.
16784 Don't you feel more like you do now than you did when you came in?
16786 "Don't you think what we're doing is wrong?"
16787 "Of course it's wrong! It's illegal!"
16788 "Well, I've never done anything illegal before."
16789 "... I thought you said you were an accountant."
16791 Don't you wish that all the people who sincerely
16792 want to help you could agree with each other?
16794 Don't you wish you had more energy... or less ambition?
16796 Dorothy: But how can you talk without a brain?
16797 Scarecrow: Well, I don't know... but some people
16798 without brains do an awful lot of talking.
16799 -- Judy Garland and Ray Bolger, "The Wizard of Oz"
16803 Double-Blind Experiment, n.:
16804 An experiment in which the chief researcher believes he is
16805 fooling both the subject and the lab assistant. Often accompanied by a
16806 strong belief in the tooth fairy.
16808 Doubt is a not a pleasant mental state, but certainty is a ridiculous one.
16811 Doubt is not a pleasant condition, but certainty is absurd.
16814 Doubt isn't the opposite of faith; it is an element of faith.
16815 -- Paul Tillich, German theologian
16817 Down to the Banana Republics,
16818 Down to the tropical sun.
16819 Go the expatriated Americans,
16820 Hoping to find some fun.
16821 Some of them go for the sailing,
16822 Caught by the lure of the sea.
16823 Trying to find what is ailing,
16824 Living in the land of the free.
16825 Some of them are running from lovers,
16826 Leaving no forward address.
16827 Some of them are running tons of ganja,
16828 Some are running from the IRS.
16829 Late at night you will find them,
16830 In the cheap hotels and bars.
16831 Hustling the senoritas,
16832 While they dance beneath the stars.
16833 -- Jimmy Buffet, "Banana Republics"
16835 Down with the categorical imperative!
16838 In a hierarchical organization,
16839 the higher the level, the greater the confusion.
16841 Dozens of bears are found dead in Alaska and Canada every summer, killed
16842 by blood lost to the voracious mosquito. The estimated life-expectancy
16843 of a naked man on the tundra in summer is about 15 minutes. In that
16844 time, approximately 250,000 mosquitoes would have drawn enough blood to
16846 -- Gus McLeavy, "Day-by-Day Trivia Almanac"
16848 Dr. Fritzkee's Lucky Astrology Diet
16850 The problem with the diets of today is that most women who do achieve
16851 that magic weight, seventy-six pounds, are still fat. Dr. Fritzkee's
16852 Lucky Astrology Diet is a sure-fire method of reducing with the added
16853 luxury that you never feel hungry.
16855 Here's how the diet works:
16858 First Month: One egg
16859 Second Month: A raisin
16860 Third Month: Pumpkin pie with whipped cream and chocolate sauce.
16862 If after the third month you haven't gotten to your dream weight, try
16863 lopping off parts of your body until those scales tip just right for you.
16865 Dr. Jekyll had something to Hyde.
16868 Dr. Livingston I. Presume?
16870 Drakenberg's Discovery:
16871 If you can't seem to find your glasses,
16872 it's probably because you don't have them on.
16874 Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.
16876 Dreams are free, but there's a small charge for alterations.
16878 Dreams are free, but you get soaked on the connect time.
16880 Drew's Law of Highway Biology:
16881 The first bug to hit a clean windshield lands directly in front
16884 Drilling for oil is boring.
16886 Drink and dance and laugh and lie
16887 Love, the reeling midnight through
16888 For tomorrow we shall die!
16889 (But, alas, we never do.)
16890 -- Dorothy Parker, "The Flaw in Paganism"
16892 Drink Canada Dry! You might not succeed, but it *__
\b\bis* fun trying.
16894 Drinking coffee for instant relaxation? That's like drinking alcohol for
16895 instant motor skills.
16898 Drinking is not a spectator sport.
16901 Drinking makes such fools of people, and people are such fools to begin
16902 with, that it's compounding a felony.
16905 Drinking when we are not thirsty and making love at all seasons, madam:
16906 that is all there is to distinguish us from the other animals.
16907 -- Pierre de Beaumarchais, "Le Marriage de Figaro"
16909 Drive defensively. Buy a tank.
16911 Driving in Texas is simple. For the first 100 miles you swerve to
16912 avoid jackrabbits. For the second 100 miles you hit whatever
16913 jackrabbits get in the way. After that you chase off into the
16916 Driving through a Swiss city one day, Alfred Hitchcock suddenly pointed out
16917 of the car window and said, "That is the most frightening sight I have ever
16918 seen." His companion was surprised to see nothing more alarming than a
16919 priest in conversation with a little boy, his hand on the child's shoulder.
16920 "Run, little boy," cried Hitchcock, leaning out of the car. "Run for your
16925 DROP THE DAMN BEAR!!!
16928 Drop the vase and it will become a Ming of the past.
16932 A substance that, when injected into a rat, produces a scientific
16935 Drugs may be the road to nowhere, but at least they're the scenic route!
16937 Drunks are rarely amusing unless they know some good songs and lose a
16942 If you view your problem closely enough you will recognize
16943 yourself as part of the problem.
16945 Ducharme's Precept:
16946 Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment.
16948 Ducharme's Precept:
16949 Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment.
16952 If you view your problem closely enough you will recognize
16953 yourself as part of the problem.
16957 Ducks? What ducks??
16959 Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, and a dark side, and
16960 it holds the universe together ...
16963 Due to a shortage of devoted followers, the production of great leaders
16964 has been discontinued.
16966 Due to circumstances beyond your control, you are master of your fate
16967 and captain of your soul.
16969 Due to lack of disk space, this fortune database has been
16972 Dungeons and Dragons is just a lot of Saxon Violence.
16974 During almost fifteen centuries the legal establishment of Christianity has
16975 been upon trial. What has been its fruits? More or less, in all places,
16976 pride and indolence in the clergy; ignorance and servility in the laity,;
16977 in both, superstition, bigotry, and persecution.
16980 During the next two hours, the system will be going up and down several
16981 times, often with lin~po_~{po ~poz~ppo\~{ o n~po_
\a~{o[po ~y oodsou>#w4k**n~po_
\a~{ol;lkld;f;g;dd;po\~{o
16983 During the next two hours, the VAX will be going up and down
16984 several times, often with lin~po_
\a~{po ~poz~ppo\~{ o n~po_
\a~
16985 {o[po ~poodsou>#w4k**n~po_
\a~{ol;lkld;f;g;dd;po\~{o
16987 During the Reagan-Mondale debates:
16989 Q: "Do you feel that a person's age affects his ability to
16990 perform as president?"
16991 Reagan: "I refuse to make an issue out of my opponent's youth and
16994 During the voyage of life, remember to keep an eye out for a
16995 fair wind; batten down during a storm; hail all passing ships;
16996 and fly your colors proudly.
16998 Dustin Farnum: Why, yesterday, I had the audience glued to their seats!
16999 Oliver Herford: Wonderful! Wonderful! Clever of you to think of it!
17000 -- Brian Herbert, "Classic Comebacks"
17003 What one expects from others.
17006 "Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have
17007 nothing whatever to do with it."
17008 -- W. Somerset Maugham
17010 Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. My advice to you is to have
17011 nothing whatever to do with it.
17012 -- W. Somerset Maugham, his last words
17014 Dying is easy. Comedy is difficult.
17015 -- Actor Edmond Gween, on his deathbed
17017 Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.
17024 Each man is his own prisoner, in solitary confinement for life.
17026 Each new user of a new system uncovers a new class of bugs.
17029 Each of these cults correspond to one of the two antagonists in the age of
17030 Reformation. In the realm of the Apple Macintosh, as in Catholic Europe,
17031 worshipers peer devoutly into screens filled with "icons." All is sound and
17032 imagery and Appledom. Even words look like decorative filigrees in exotic
17033 typefaces. The greatest icon of all, the inviolable Apple itself, stands in
17034 the dominate position at the upper-left corner of the screen. A central
17035 corporate headquarters decrees the form of all rites and practices.
17036 Infallible doctrine issues from one executive officer whose selection occurs
17037 in a sealed boardroom. Should anyone in his curia question his powers, the
17038 offender is excommunicated into outer darkness. The expelled heretic founds
17039 a new company, mutters obscurely of the coming age and the next computer,
17040 then disappears into silence, taking his stockholders with him. The mother
17041 company forbids financial competition as sternly as it stifles ideological
17042 competition; if you want to use computer programs that conform to Apple's
17043 orthodoxy, you must buy a computer made and sold by Apple itself.
17044 -- Edward Mendelson, "The New Republic", February 22, 1988
17046 Each of us bears his own Hell.
17047 -- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil)
17049 Each person has the right to take part in the management of public affairs
17050 in his country, provided he has prior experience, a will to succeed, a
17051 university degree, influential parents, good looks, a curriculum vitae, two
17052 3 X 4 snapshots, and a good tax record.
17054 Each person has the right to take the subway.
17057 Any code of your own that you haven't looked at for six or more
17058 months, might as well have been written by someone else. (Eagleson is
17059 an optimist, the real number is more like three weeks.)
17063 NAME: Jean-Luc Perriwinkle Picard
17064 OCCUPATION: Starship Big Cheese
17066 BIRTHPLACE: Paris, Terra Sector
17070 LAST MAGAZINE READ:
17071 Lobes 'n' Probes, the Ferengi-Betazoid Sex Quarterly
17072 TEA: Earl Grey. Hot.
17074 EARL GREY NEVER VARIES.
17076 Earl Wiener, 55, a University of Miami professor of management
17077 science, telling the Airline Pilots Association (in jest) about
17078 21st century aircraft:
17080 "The crew will consist of one pilot and a dog. The pilot will
17081 nurture and feed the dog. The dog will be there to bite the
17082 pilot if he touches anything.
17083 -- Fortune, Sept. 26, 1988
17085 Early to bed and early to rise and you'll
17086 be groggy when everyone else is wide awake.
17088 Early to rise and early to bed makes
17089 a man healthy and wealthy and dead.
17092 Earn cash in your spare time -- blackmail your friends.
17094 Earth Destroyed by Solar Flare -- film clips at eleven.
17096 /earth: file system full.
17098 /earth is 98% full ... please delete anyone you can.
17100 Earth is a beta site.
17102 Earth is a great, big funhouse without the fun.
17105 Easiest Color to Solve on a Rubik's Cube:
17106 Black. Simply remove all the little colored stickers on the
17107 cube, and each of side of the cube will now be the original color of
17108 the plastic underneath -- black. According to the instructions, this
17109 means the puzzle is solved.
17110 -- Steve Rubenstein
17112 Easiest Color to Solve on a Rubik's Cube: Black.
17114 Simply remove all the little colored stickers on the cube, and each of
17115 side of the cube will now be the original color of the plastic underneath
17116 -- black. According to the instructions, this means the puzzle is solved.
17118 Easy come and easy go,
17119 some call me easy money,
17120 Sometimes life is full of laughs,
17121 and sometimes it ain't funny
17122 You may think that I'm a fool
17123 and sometimes that is true,
17124 But I'm goin' to heaven in a flash of fire,
17125 with or without you.
17128 Eat as much as you like -- just don't swallow it.
17129 -- Harry Secombe's diet
17131 Eat, drink, and be merry! Tomorrow you may be in Utah.
17133 Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow they may make it illegal.
17135 Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow we diet.
17137 Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow you may work.
17139 Eat one live frog the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will
17140 happen to either of you for the rest of the day.
17142 Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse
17143 will happen to you the rest of the day.
17145 [Well, actually, to either of you... Ed.]
17147 Eat right, stay fit, and die anyway.
17149 Eating chocolate is like being in love without the aggravation.
17151 Economics is extremely useful as a form of employment for economists.
17152 -- John Kenneth Galbraith
17155 Economics is the study of the value and meaning of J. K.
17157 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
17159 Economies of scale:
17160 The notion that bigger is better. In particular, that if you want
17161 a certain amount of computer power, it is much better to buy one
17162 biggie than a bunch of smallies. Accepted as an article of faith
17163 by people who love big machines and all that complexity. Rejected
17164 as an article of faith by those who love small machines and all
17168 Someone who's good with figures, but doesn't have enough
17169 personality to become an accountant.
17171 Economists can certainly disappoint you. One said that the economy
17172 would turn up by the last quarter. Well, I'm down to mine and it
17176 Economists state their GNP growth projections to the nearest tenth of a
17177 percentage point to prove they have a sense of humor.
17178 -- Edgar R. Fiedler
17180 Ed Sullivan will be around as long as someone else has talent.
17183 Editing is a rewording activity.
17185 Education and religion are two things not regulated by supply and
17186 demand. The less of either the people have, the less they want.
17187 -- Charlotte Observer, 1897
17189 Education is an admirable thing, but it is well to remember from time to
17190 time that nothing that is worth knowing can be taught.
17191 -- Oscar Wilde, "The Critic as Artist"
17193 Education is learning what you didn't even know you didn't know.
17194 -- Daniel J. Boorstin
17196 Education is the process of casting false pearls before real swine.
17199 Education is what survives when what has been learnt has been forgotten.
17202 Educational television should be absolutely forbidden. It can only lead
17203 to unreasonable disappointment when your child discovers that the letters
17204 of the alphabet do not leap up out of books and dance around with
17205 royal-blue chickens.
17206 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"
17208 Eeny, Meeny, Jelly Beanie, the spirits are about to speak!
17209 -- Bullwinkle J. Moose
17211 Eeny, Meeny, Jelly Beanie,
17212 The spirits are about to speak...
17214 Eggheads unite! You have nothing to lose but your yolks.
17217 Eggnog is a traditional holiday drink invented by the English. Many
17218 people wonder where the word "eggnog" comes from. The first syllable
17219 comes from the English word "egg", meaning "egg". I don't know where
17220 the "nog" comes from.
17222 To make eggnog, you'll need rum, whiskey, wine, gin and, if they are in
17225 Ego sum ens omnipotens
17227 Egotism is the anesthetic given by a kindly nature to relieve the pain
17228 of being a damned fool.
17231 Egotism is the anesthetic which numbs the pain of stupidity.
17234 Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle with a pen.
17237 A person of low taste, more interested in himself than me.
17238 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
17240 egrep -n '^[a-z].*\(' $ | sort -t':' +2.0
17242 Ehrman's Commentary:
17243 (1) Things will get worse before they get better.
17244 (2) Who said things would get better?
17246 Eighty percent of air pollution comes from plants and trees.
17247 -- Ronald Reagan, famous movie star
17249 ...eighty years later he could still recall with the young pang of his
17250 original joy his falling in love with Ada.
17253 Einstein argued that there must be simplified explanations of nature, because
17254 God is not capricious or arbitrary. No such faith comforts the software
17256 -- Frederick Brooks
17258 Either I'm dead or my watch has stopped.
17259 -- Groucho Marx' last words
17262 The actions of two people maneuvering for one
17263 armrest in a movie theatre.
17264 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
17267 Sits at the keyboard
17268 And waits for a line on the screen
17272 That will make the machine do some more.
17275 All the lonely users, where do they all come from?
17276 All the lonely users, why does it take so long?
17279 Sits at the keyboard
17280 And waits for a line on the screen
17284 That will make the machine do some more.
17287 All the lonely users, where do they all come from?
17288 All the lonely users, why does it take so long?
17291 Writing the code for a program
17292 that no one will run
17294 Look at him working,
17295 fixing the bugs in the night
17296 when there's nobody there.
17299 All the lonely users, where do they all come from?
17300 All the lonely users, why does it take so long?
17301 Ah, look at all the lonely users.
17302 Ah, look at all the lonely users.
17306 2 boxes JELL-O brand gelatin 2 packages Knox brand unflavored gelatin
17307 2 cups fruit (any variety) 2+ cups water
17308 1/2 bottle Everclear brand grain alcohol
17310 Mix JELL-O and Knox gelatin into 2 cups of boiling water. Stir 'til
17312 Pour hot mixture into a flat pan. (JELL-O molds won't work.)
17313 Stir in grain alcohol instead of usual cold water. Remove any congealing
17314 glops of slime. (Alcohol has an unusual effect on excess JELL-O.)
17315 Pour in fruit to desired taste, and to absorb any excess alcohol.
17316 Mix in some cold water to dilute the alcohol and make it easier to eat for
17317 the faint of heart.
17318 Refrigerate overnight to allow mixture to fully harden. (About 8-12 hours.)
17319 Cut into squares and enjoy!
17322 Keep ingredients away from open flame. Not recommended for
17323 children under eight years of age.
17325 Electrical Engineers do it with less resistance.
17328 Burning at the stake with all the modern improvements.
17330 Elegance and truth are inversely related.
17334 A mouse built to government specifications.
17336 Elevators smell different to midgets.
17338 Eleventh Law of Acoustics:
17339 In a minimum-phase system there is an inextricable link between
17340 frequency response, phase response and transient response, as they
17341 are all merely transforms of one another. This combined with
17342 minimalization of open-loop errors in output amplifiers and correct
17343 compensation for non-linear passive crossover network loading can
17344 lead to a significant decrease in system resolution lost. However,
17345 of course, this all means jack when you listen to Pink Floyd.
17347 Eli and Bessie went to sleep.
17348 In the middle of the night, Bessie nudged Eli.
17349 "Please be so kindly and close the window. It's cold outside!"
17350 Half asleep, Eli murmured,
17351 "Nu ... so if I'll close the window, will it be warm outside?"
17353 Elliptic paraboloids for sale.
17356 The feel of a kiss.
17358 Eloquence is logic on fire.
17360 Elwood: What kind of music do you get here ma'am?
17361 Barmaid: Why, we get both kinds of music, Country and Western.
17364 A slow-moving parody of a text editor.
17366 Emerson's Law of Contrariness:
17367 Our chief want in life is somebody who shall make us do what we
17368 can. Having found them, we shall then hate them for it.
17370 Encyclopedia for sale by father.
17371 Son knows everything.
17373 Encyclopedia Salesmen:
17374 Invite them all in. Nip out the back door. Phone the police
17375 and tell them your house is being burgled.
17376 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
17378 Endless Loop: n., see Loop, Endless.
17379 Loop, Endless: n., see Endless Loop.
17380 -- Random Shack Data Processing Dictionary
17382 Endless the world's turn, endless the sun's spinning
17384 I turn again, back to my own beginning,
17385 And here, find rest.
17387 Enemy -- SP (Suppressive Person) Order. Fair Game. May be deprived of
17388 property or injured by any means by any Scientologist without any discipline
17389 of the Scientologist. May be tricked, sued or lied to or destroyed.
17390 -- L. Ron Hubbard, "Fair Game Doctrine"
17392 Engineering: "How will this work?"
17393 Science: "Why will this work?"
17394 Management: "When will this work?"
17395 Liberal Arts: "Do you want fries with that?"
17397 English literature's performing flea.
17398 -- Sean O'Casey on P. G. Wodehouse
17401 1. The physical manifestation of human memory -- "the engram."
17402 2. A particular memory in physical form. [Usage note: this term is no longer
17403 in common use. Prior to Wilson and Magruder's historic discovery, the nature
17404 of the engram was a topic of intense speculation among neuroscientists,
17405 psychologists, and even computer scientists. In 1994 Professors M. R. Wilson
17406 and W. V. Magruder, both of Mount St. Coax University in Palo Alto, proved
17407 conclusively that the mammalian brain is hardwired to interpret a set of
17408 thirty seven genetically transmitted cooperating TECO macros. Human memory
17409 was shown to reside in 1 million Q-registers as Huffman coded uppercase-only
17410 ASCII strings. Interest in the engram has declined substantially since that
17412 -- New Century Unabridged English Dictionary,
17413 3rd edition, 2007 A.D.
17416 To tamper with an image, usually to its detriment.
17418 Enjoy your life; be pleasant and gay, like the birds in May.
17420 Enjoy yourself while you're still old.
17423 A high-rolling risk taker who would rather
17424 be a spectacular failure than a dismal success.
17426 Entropy isn't what it used to be.
17428 Entropy requires no maintenance.
17431 Envy is a pain of mind that successful men cause their neighbors.
17435 Wishing you'd been born with an unfair advantage,
17436 instead of having to try and acquire one.
17438 Enzymes are things invented by biologists that explain things which
17439 otherwise require harder thinking.
17443 When a man says it's a silly, childish game, it's probably
17444 something his wife can beat him at.
17446 Equal bytes for women.
17448 Ere the cock crows thrice one of you will betray me.
17449 -- Early Jewish Resistance Leader
17451 Ernest asks Frank how long he has been working for the company.
17452 "Ever since they threatened to fire me."
17454 Error in operator: add beer
17456 Es brilig war. Die schlichte Toven
17457 Wirrten und wimmelten in Waben;
17458 Und aller-m"
\bumsige Burggoven
17459 Dir mohmen R"
\bath ausgraben.
17460 -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass"
17462 Eschew obfuscation.
17464 Established technology tends to persist in the face of new technology.
17465 -- G. Blaauw, one of the designers of System 360
17467 E.T. GO HOME!!! (And take your Smurfs with you.)
17469 Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.
17472 Eternity is a terrible thought. I mean, where's it going to end?
17475 Etiquette is for those with no breeding;
17476 fashion for those with no taste.
17479 Some early etymological scholars came up with derivations that
17480 were hard for the public to believe. The term "etymology" was formed
17481 from the Latin "etus" ("eaten"), the root "mal" ("bad"), and "logy"
17482 ("study of"). It meant "the study of things that are hard to swallow."
17485 Euch ist bekannt, was wir beduerfen;
17486 Wir wollen stark Getraenke schluerfen.
17487 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe, "Faust"
17489 Eudaemonic research proceeded with the casual mania peculiar to this part of
17490 the world. Nude sunbathing on the back deck was combined with phone calls to
17491 Advanced Kinetics in Costa Mesa, American Laser Systems in Goleta, Automation
17492 Industries in Danbury, Connecticut, Arenberg Ultrasonics in Jamaica Plain,
17493 Massachusetts, and Hewlett Packard in Sunnyvale, California, where Norman
17494 Packard's cousin, David, presided as chairman of the board. The trick was to
17495 make these calls at noon, in the hope that out-to-lunch executives would return
17496 them at their own expense. Eudaemonic Enterprises, for all they knew, might be
17497 a fast-growing computer company branching out of the Silicon Valley. Sniffing
17498 the possibility of high-volume sales, these executives little suspected that
17499 they were talking on the other end of the line to a naked physicist crazed
17501 -- Thomas Bass, "The Eudaemonic Pie"
17506 Even a blind pig stumbles upon a few acorns.
17508 Even a cabbage may look at a king.
17510 Even a hawk is an eagle among crows.
17512 Even a man who is pure at heart,
17513 And says his prayers at night
17514 Can become a wolf when the wolfbane blooms,
17515 And the moon is full and bright.
17516 -- The Wolf Man, 1941
17518 Even God cannot change the past.
17521 Even God lends a hand to honest boldness.
17524 Even if you do learn to speak correct English, whom are you going to
17528 Even if you persuade me, you won't persuade me.
17531 "Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit
17535 Even in the moment of our earliest kiss,
17536 When sighed the straitened bud into the flower,
17537 Sat the dry seed of most unwelcome this;
17538 And that I knew, though not the day and hour.
17539 Too season-wise am I, being country-bred,
17540 To tilt at autumn or defy the frost:
17541 Snuffing the chill even as my fathers did,
17542 I say with them, "What's out tonight is lost."
17543 I only hoped, with the mild hope of all
17544 Who watch the leaf take shape upon the tree,
17545 A fairer summer and a later fall
17546 Than in these parts a man is apt to see,
17547 And sunny clusters ripened for the wine:
17548 I tell you this across the blackened vine.
17549 -- Edna St. Vincent Millay, "Even in the Moment of
17550 Our Earliest Kiss", 1931
17552 Even moderation ought not to be practiced to excess.
17554 "Even the best of friends cannot attend each other's funeral."
17555 -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
17557 Even though they raised the rate for first class mail in the United
17558 States we really shouldn't complain -- it's still only two cents a
17561 Events are not affected, they develop.
17564 Ever feel like life was a game and you had the wrong instruction book?
17566 Ever feel like you're the head pin on life's
17567 bowling alley, and everyone's rolling strikes?
17569 Ever get the feeling that the world's
17570 on tape and one of the reels is missing?
17573 Ever notice that even the busiest people are never too busy to tell you
17574 just how busy they are?
17576 Ever notice that the word "therapist" breaks down into "the rapist"?
17577 Simple coincidence?
17580 Ever Onward! Ever Onward!
17581 That's the sprit that has brought us fame.
17582 We're big but bigger we will be,
17583 We can't fail for all can see, that to serve humanity
17585 Our products now are known in every zone.
17586 Our reputation sparkles like a gem.
17587 We've fought our way thru
17588 And new fields we're sure to conquer, too
17589 For the Ever Onward IBM!
17590 -- Ever Onward, from the 1940 IBM Songbook
17592 Ever Onward! Ever Onward!
17593 We're bound for the top to never fall,
17594 Right here and now we thankfully
17595 Pledge sincerest loyalty
17596 To the corporation that's the best of all
17597 Our leaders we revere and while we're here,
17598 Let's show the world just what we think of them!
17599 So let us sing men -- Sing men
17600 Once or twice, then sing again
17601 For the Ever Onward IBM!
17602 -- Ever Onward, from the 1940 IBM Songbook
17604 Ever since I was a young boy,
17605 I've hacked the ARPA net,
17606 From Berkeley down to Rutgers, He's on my favorite terminal,
17607 Any access I could get, He cats C right into foo,
17608 But ain't seen nothing like him, His disciples lead him in,
17609 On any campus yet, And he just breaks the root,
17610 That deaf, dumb, and blind kid, Always has full SYS-PRIV's,
17611 Sure sends a mean packet. Never uses lint,
17612 That deaf, dumb, and blind kid,
17613 Sure sends a mean packet.
17614 He's a UNIX wizard,
17615 There has to be a twist.
17616 The UNIX wizard's got Ain't got no distractions,
17617 Unlimited space on disk. Can't hear no whistles or bells,
17618 How do you think he does it? Can't see no message flashing,
17619 I don't know. Types by sense of smell,
17620 What makes him so good? Those crazy little programs,
17621 The proper bit flags set,
17622 That deaf, dumb, and blind kid,
17623 Sure sends a mean packet.
17626 Ever since prehistoric times, wise men have tried to understand what,
17627 exactly, make people laugh. That's why they were called "wise men."
17628 All the other prehistoric people were out puncturing each other with
17629 spears, and the wise men were back in the cave saying: "How about:
17630 Would you please take my wife? No. How about: Here is my wife, please
17631 take her right now. No. How about: Would you like to take something?
17632 My wife is available. No. How about ..."
17633 -- Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny"
17635 Ever wonder if taxation without representation might have been cheaper?
17637 Ever wonder why fire engines are red?
17639 Because newspapers are read too.
17640 Two and Two is four.
17641 Four and four is eight.
17642 Eight and four is twelve.
17643 There are twelve inches in a ruler.
17644 Queen Mary was a ruler.
17645 Queen Mary was a ship.
17646 Ships sail the sea.
17647 There are fishes in the sea.
17649 The Fins fought the Russians.
17651 Fire engines are always rush'n.
17652 Therefore fire engines are red.
17654 Ever wondered about the origins of the term "bugs" as applied to computer
17655 technology? U.S. Navy Capt. Grace Murray Hopper has firsthand explanation.
17656 The 74-year-old captain, who is still on active duty, was a pioneer in
17657 computer technology during World War II. At the C. W. Post Center of Long
17658 Island University, Hopper told a group of Long Island public school adminis-
17659 trators that the first computer "bug" was a real bug--a moth. At Harvard
17660 one August night in 1945, Hopper and her associates were working on the
17661 "granddaddy" of modern computers, the Mark I. "Things were going badly;
17662 there was something wrong in one of the circuits of the long glass-enclosed
17663 computer," she said. "Finally, someone located the trouble spot and, using
17664 ordinary tweezers, removed the problem, a two-inch moth. From then on, when
17665 anything went wrong with a computer, we said it had bugs in it." Hopper
17666 said that when the veracity of her story was questioned recently, "I referred
17667 them to my 1945 log book, now in the collection of the Naval Surface Weapons
17668 Center, and they found the remains of that moth taped to the page in
17670 [actually, the term "bug" had even earlier usage in
17671 regard to problems with radio hardware. Ed.]
17673 Every 4 seconds a woman has a baby.
17674 Our problem is to find this woman and stop her.
17676 Every absurdity has a champion who will defend it.
17678 Every cloud engenders not a storm.
17679 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
17681 Every cloud has a silver lining;
17682 you should have sold it, and bought titanium.
17684 Every country has the government it deserves.
17685 -- Joseph De Maistre
17687 Every creature has within him the wild, uncontrollable urge to punt.
17689 Every day it's the same thing -- variety. I want something different.
17691 Every day people are straying away from the church and going back to God.
17694 Every dog has its day, but the nights belong to the pussycats.
17696 Every four seconds a woman has a baby. Our problem is to find this
17697 woman and stop her.
17699 Every group has a couple of experts. And every group has at least one
17700 idiot. Thus are balance and harmony (and discord) maintained. It's
17701 sometimes hard to remember this in the bulk of the flamewars that all
17702 of the hassle and pain is generally caused by one or two
17703 highly-motivated, caustic twits.
17704 -- Chuq Von Rospach, about Usenet
17706 Every gun that is made, every warship launched, every rocket fired
17707 signifies in the final sense, a theft from those who hunger and are not
17708 fed, those who are cold and are not clothed. This world in arms is not
17709 spending money alone. It is spending the sweat of its laborers, the
17710 genius of its scientists, the hopes of its children. This is not a way
17711 of life at all in any true sense. Under the clouds of war, it is
17712 humanity hanging on a cross of iron.
17713 -- Dwight D. Eisenhower, April 16, 1953
17715 Every Horse has an Infinite Number of Legs (proof by intimidation):
17717 Horses have an even number of legs. Behind they have two legs, and in
17718 front they have fore-legs. This makes six legs, which is certainly an
17719 odd number of legs for a horse. But the only number that is both even
17720 and odd is infinity. Therefore, horses have an infinite number of
17721 legs. Now to show this for the general case, suppose that somewhere,
17722 there is a horse that has a finite number of legs. But that is a horse
17723 of another color, and by the [above] lemma ["All horses are the same
17724 color"], that does not exist.
17726 Every improvement in communication makes the bore more terrible.
17727 -- Frank Moore Colby
17729 Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.
17731 Every little picofarad has a nanohenry all its own.
17734 Every love's the love before
17736 -- Dorothy Parker, "Summary"
17738 "Every man has his price. Mine is $3.95."
17740 Every man is apt to form his notions of things difficult to be apprehended,
17741 or less familiar, from their analogy to things which are more familiar.
17742 Thus, if a man bred to the seafaring life, and accustomed to think and talk
17743 only of matters relating to navigation, enters into discourse upon any other
17744 subject; it is well known, that the language and the notions proper to his
17745 own profession are infused into every subject, and all things are measured
17746 by the rules of navigation: and if he should take it into his head to
17747 philosophize concerning the faculties of the mind, it cannot be doubted,
17748 but he would draw his notions from the fabric of the ship, and would find
17749 in the mind, sails, masts, rudder, and compass.
17750 -- Thomas Reid, "An Inquiry into the Human Mind", 1764
17752 Every man is as God made him, ay, and often worse.
17753 -- Miguel de Cervantes
17755 Every man takes the limits of his own field
17756 of vision for the limits of the world.
17759 Every man thinks God is on his side. The rich
17760 and powerful know that he is.
17761 -- Jean Anouilh, "The Lark"
17763 Every man who has reached even his intellectual teens begins to suspect
17764 that life is no farce; that it is not genteel comedy even; that it flowers
17765 and fructifies on the contrary out of the profoundest tragic depths of the
17766 essential death in which its subject's roots are plunged. The natural
17767 inheritance of everyone who is capable of spiritual life is an unsubdued
17768 forest where the wolf howls and the obscene bird of night chatters.
17769 -- Henry James Sr., writing to his sons Henry and William
17771 Every man who is high up likes to think that he has done
17772 it all himself, and the wife smiles and lets it go at that.
17775 "Every morning, I get up and look through the 'Forbes' list of the
17776 richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work."
17779 Every morning in Africa, a gazelle wakes up. It knows it must run faster
17780 than the fastest lion or it will be killed. Every morning a lion wakes up.
17781 It knows it must outrun the slowest gazelle or it will starve to death.
17782 It doesn't matter whether you are a lion or a gazelle: when the sun comes
17783 up, you'd better be running.
17785 Every morning is a Smirnoff morning.
17787 Every night my prayers I say,
17788 And get my dinner every day;
17789 And every day that I've been good,
17790 I get an orange after food.
17791 The child that is not clean and neat,
17792 With lots of toys and things to eat,
17793 He is a naughty child, I'm sure--
17794 Or else his dear papa is poor.
17795 -- Robert Louis Stevenson
17797 Every nonzero finite dimensional inner product space has an
17800 It makes sense, when you don't think about it.
17802 Every one says that politicians lie all the time, and that just isn't so!
17803 But you do have to understand body language to know when they're lying and
17806 When a politician rubs his nose, he isn't lying.
17807 When a politician tugs on his ear, he isn't lying.
17808 When a politician scratches his collar bone, he isn't lying.
17809 When his mouth starts moving, that's when he's lying!
17811 Every paper published in a respectable journal should have a preface by
17812 the author stating why he is publishing the article, and what value he
17813 sees in it. I have no hope that this practice will ever be adopted.
17816 Every path has its puddle.
17818 Every person, all the events in your life are there because you have
17819 drawn them there. What you choose to do with them is up to you.
17820 -- Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul
17822 Every program has at least one bug and can be shortened by at least one
17823 instruction -- from which, by induction, one can deduce that every
17824 program can be reduced to one instruction which doesn't work.
17826 Every program has (at least) two purposes:
17827 the one for which it was written and another for which it wasn't.
17829 Every program has two purposes -- one for which it was written and
17830 another for which it wasn't.
17832 Every program is a part of some other program, and rarely fits.
17834 Every silver lining has a cloud around it.
17836 Every Solidarity center had piles and piles of paper ... everyone was
17837 eating paper and a policeman was at the door. Now all you have to do is
17839 -- A member of the outlawed Polish trade union, Solidarity,
17840 commenting on the benefits of using computers in support
17843 Every solution breeds new problems.
17845 Every successful person has had failures but repeated failure is no
17846 guarantee of eventual success.
17848 Every suicide is a solution to a problem.
17851 Every time I look at you I am more convinced of Darwin's theory.
17853 Every time I lose weight, it finds me again!
17855 Every time I think I know where it's at, they move it.
17857 Every time you manage to close the door on
17858 Reality, it comes in through the window.
17860 Every why hath a wherefore.
17861 -- William Shakespeare, "A Comedy of Errors"
17863 Every word is like an unnecessary stain on silence and nothingness.
17866 Every young man should have a hobby: learning how to handle money is
17870 Everybody but Sam had signed up for a new company pension plan that
17871 called for a small employee contribution. The company was paying all
17872 the rest. Unfortunately, 100% employee participation was needed;
17873 otherwise the plan was off. Sam's boss and his fellow workers pleaded
17874 and cajoled, but to no avail. Sam said the plan would never pay off.
17875 Finally the company president called Sam into his office.
17876 "Sam," he said, "here's a copy of the new pension plan and here's
17877 a pen. I want you to sign the papers. I'm sorry, but if you don't sign,
17878 you're fired. As of right now."
17879 Sam signed the papers immediately.
17880 "Now," said the president, "would you mind telling me why you
17881 couldn't have signed earlier?"
17882 "Well, sir," replied Sam, "nobody explained it to me quite so
17885 Everybody has something to conceal.
17888 Everybody is given the same amount of hormones, at birth, and
17889 if you want to use yours for growing hair, that's fine with me.
17891 Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
17892 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
17894 Everybody knows that the dice are loaded. Everybody rolls with their
17895 fingers crossed. Everybody knows the war is over. Everybody knows the
17896 good guys lost. Everybody knows the fight was fixed: the poor stay
17897 poor, the rich get rich. That's how it goes. Everybody knows.
17899 Everybody knows that the boat is leaking. Everybody knows the captain
17900 lied. Everybody got this broken feeling like their father or their dog
17903 Everybody talking to their pockets. Everybody wants a box of chocolates
17904 and long stem rose. Everybody knows.
17906 Everybody knows that you love me, baby. Everybody knows that you really
17907 do. Everybody knows that you've been faithful, give or take a night or
17908 two. Everybody knows you've been discreet, but there were so many people
17909 you just had to meet without your clothes. And everybody knows.
17911 And everybody knows it's now or never. Everybody knows that it's me or you.
17912 And everybody knows that you live forever when you've done a line or two.
17913 Everybody knows the deal is rotten: Old Black Joe's still pickin' cotton
17914 for you ribbons and bows. And everybody knows.
17915 -- Leonard Cohen, "Everybody Knows"
17917 Everybody likes a kidder, but nobody lends him money.
17920 Everybody needs a little love sometime;
17921 stop hacking and fall in love!
17923 Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
17925 Everyone can be taught to sculpt: Michelangelo would have had to be
17926 taught how ___
\b\b\bnot to. So it is with the great programmers.
17928 Everyone can be taught to sculpt: Michelangelo would have had
17929 to be taught how not to. So it is with the great programmers.
17931 Everyone complains of his memory, no one of his judgement.
17933 Everyone hates me because I'm paranoid.
17935 Everyone is a genius. It's just that some people are too stupid to
17938 Everyone is entitled to my opinion.
17940 Everyone is in the best seat.
17943 Everyone is more or less mad on one point.
17946 Everyone knows that dragons don't exist. But while this simplistic
17947 formulation may satisfy the layman, it does not suffice for the
17948 scientific mind. The School of Higher Neantical Nillity is in fact
17949 wholly unconcerned with what ____
\b\b\b\bdoes exist. Indeed, the banality of
17950 existence has been so amply demonstrated, there is no need for us to
17951 discuss it any further here. The brilliant Cerebron, attacking the
17952 problem analytically, discovered three distinct kinds of dragon: the
17953 mythical, the chimerical, and the purely hypothetical. They were all,
17954 one might say, nonexistent, but each nonexisted in an entirely
17956 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
17958 Everyone talks about apathy, but no one ____
\b\b\b\bdoes anything about it.
17960 Everyone wants results, but no one is willing to do what it takes
17964 Everyone was born right-handed.
17965 Only the greatest overcome it.
17967 Everyone who comes in here wants three things:
17968 1. They want it quick.
17969 2. They want it good.
17970 3. They want it cheap.
17971 I tell 'em to pick two and call me back.
17972 -- sign on the back wall of a small printing company
17974 Everyone's in a high place when you're on your knees.
17976 Everything bows to success, even grammar.
17978 Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous".
17980 Everything ends badly. Otherwise it wouldn't end.
17982 Everything I like is either illegal, immoral or fattening.
17983 -- Alexander Woollcott
17985 Everything in this book may be wrong.
17986 -- Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul
17988 Everything is controlled by a small evil group to which, unfortunately,
17989 no one we know belongs.
17991 Everything is possible. Pass the word.
17992 -- Rita Mae Brown, "Six of One"
17994 Everything is worth precisely as much as a belch, the difference being
17995 that a belch is more satisfying.
17998 Everything journalists write is true, except when they write about
17999 something you know.
18000 -- Dag-Erling Smorgrav,
18001 June 1999, FreeBSD-Stable Mailing List
18003 Everything might be different in the present
18004 if only one thing had been different in the past.
18006 Everything new stalls because there is precedence for the old.
18007 -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967)
18009 Everything should be built top-down, except the first time.
18011 Everything should be made as simple as possible, but not simpler.
18014 Everything takes longer, costs more, and is less useful.
18017 Everything that can be invented has been invented.
18018 -- Charles Duell, Director of U.S. Patent Office, 1899
18020 Everything that you know is wrong, but you can be straightened out.
18022 Everything will be just tickety-boo today.
18024 Everything you know is wrong!
18026 Everything you read in newspapers is absolutely true, except for that
18027 rare story of which you happen to have first-hand knowledge.
18030 Everything you've learned in school as "obvious" becomes less and less
18031 obvious as you begin to study the universe. For example, there are no
18032 solids in the universe. There's not even a suggestion of a solid.
18033 There are no absolute continuums. There are no surfaces. There are no
18035 -- R. Buckminster Fuller
18037 Everything's great in this good old world;
18038 (This is the stuff they can always use.)
18039 God's in his heaven, the hill's dew-pearled;
18040 (This will provide for baby's shoes.)
18041 Hunger and War do not mean a thing;
18042 Everything's rosy where'er we roam;
18043 Hark, how the little birds gaily sing!
18044 (This is what fetches the bacon home.)
18045 -- Dorothy Parker, "The Far Sighted Muse"
18047 Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My
18048 opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them. There's many a bestseller
18049 that could have been prevented by a good teacher.
18050 -- Flannery O'Connor
18052 Everywhere you go you'll see them searching,
18053 Everywhere you turn you'll feel the pain,
18054 Everyone is looking for the answer,
18056 -- Moody Blues, "Lost in a Lost World"
18058 Evil is that which one believes of others. It is a sin to believe evil
18059 of others, but it is seldom a mistake.
18062 Evolution is a million line computer
18063 program falling into place by accident.
18065 Evolution is as much a fact as the earth turning on its axis and going around
18066 the sun. At one time this was called the Copernican theory; but, when
18067 evidence for a theory becomes so overwhelming that no informed person can
18068 doubt it, it is customary for scientists to call it a fact. That all present
18069 life descended from earlier forms, over vast stretches of geologic time, is
18070 as firmly established as Copernican cosmology. Biologists differ only with
18071 respect to theories about how the process operates.
18072 -- Martin Gardner, "Irving Kristol and the Facts of Life"
18074 Examinations are formidable even to the best prepared, for even
18075 the greatest fool may ask more than the wisest man can answer.
18078 Example is not the main thing in influencing others.
18079 It is the only thing.
18080 -- Albert Schweitzer
18082 Excellent day for drinking heavily. Spike the office water cooler.
18084 Excellent day for putting Slinkies on an escalator.
18086 Excellent day to have a rotten day.
18088 Excellent time to become a missing person.
18090 Exceptions prove the rule, and wreck the budget.
18093 Excerpt from a conversation between a customer support person and a
18094 customer working for a well-known military-affiliated research lab:
18096 Support: "You're not our only customer, you know."
18097 Customer: "But we're one of the few with tactical nuclear weapons."
18099 Excess on occasion is exhilarating. It prevents moderation from
18100 acquiring the deadening effect of a habit.
18101 -- W. Somerset Maugham
18103 Excessive login messages are a sure sign of senility.
18105 Excessive login or logout messages are a sure sign of senility.
18107 Execute every act of thy life as though it were thy last.
18110 Executive ability is deciding quickly and getting somebody else to do
18114 Executive ability is prominent in your make-up.
18116 Exercise caution in your daily affairs.
18118 Exhilaration is that feeling you get just after a great idea hits you,
18119 and just before you realize what is wrong with it.
18121 Expansion means complexity; and complexity decay.
18123 Expect a letter from a friend who will ask a favor of you.
18125 Expect the worst, it's the least you can do.
18127 Expedience is the best teacher.
18129 Expense Accounts, n.:
18130 Corporate food stamps.
18132 Experience is a good teacher, but she sends in terrific bills.
18133 -- Minna Antrim, "Naked Truth and Veiled Allusions"
18135 Experience is not what happens to you;
18136 it is what you do with what happens to you.
18139 Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
18142 Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a mistake
18143 when you make it again.
18144 -- Franklin P. Jones
18146 Experience is the worst teacher. It always gives the test first and
18147 the instruction afterward.
18149 Experience is what causes a person to make new mistakes instead of old
18152 Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted.
18154 Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.
18157 Something you don't get until just after you need it.
18160 Experience teaches you that the man who looks you straight in the eye,
18161 particularly if he adds a firm handshake, is hiding something.
18162 -- Clifton Fadiman, "Enter Conversing"
18164 Experience varies directly with equipment ruined.
18166 Experiments must be reproducible; they should all fail in the same way.
18169 Someone who comes from out of town and shows slides.
18173 Extract from Official Sweepstakes Rules:
18175 NO PURCHASE REQUIRED TO CLAIM YOUR PRIZE
18177 To claim your prize without purchase, do the following: (a) Carefully
18178 cut out your computer-printed name and address from upper right hand
18179 corner of the Prize Claim Form. (b) Affix computer-printed name and
18180 address -- with glue or cellophane tape (no staples or paper clips) --
18181 to a 3x5 inch index card. (c) Also cut out the "No" paragraph (lower
18182 left hand corner of Prize Claim Form) and affix it to the 3x5 card
18183 below your address label. (d) Then print on your 3x5 card, above your
18184 computer-printed name and address the words "CARTER & VAN PEEL
18185 SWEEPSTAKES" (Use all capital letters.) (e) Finally place 3x5 card
18186 (without bending) into a plain envelope [NOTE: do NOT use the
18187 Official Prize Claim and CVP Perfume Reply Envelope or you may be
18188 disqualified], and mail to: CVP, Box 1320, Westbury, NY 11595. Print
18189 this address correctly. Comply with above instructions carefully and
18190 completely or you may be disqualified from receiving your prize.
18192 Extraordinary claims demand extraordinary proof. There are many examples
18193 of outsiders who eventually overthrew entrenched scientific orthodoxies,
18194 but they prevailed with irrefutable data. More often, egregious findings
18195 that contradict well-established research turn out to be artifacts. I have
18196 argued that accepting psychic powers, reincarnation, "cosmic consciousness,"
18197 and the like, would entail fundamental revisions of the foundations of
18198 neuroscience. Before abandoning materialist theories of mind that have paid
18199 handsome dividends, we should insist on better evidence for psi phenomena
18200 than presently exists, especially when neurology and psychology themselves
18201 offer more plausible alternatives.
18202 -- Barry L. Beyerstein, "The Brain and Consciousness:
18203 Implications for Psi Phenomena".
18205 Extreme fear can neither fight nor fly.
18206 -- William Shakespeare, "The Rape of Lucrece"
18208 Extremism in the defense of liberty is no vice... moderation in the pursuit
18209 of justice is no virtue.
18212 F: When into a room I plunge, I
18213 Sometimes find some VIOLET FUNGI.
18214 Then I linger, darkly brooding
18215 On the poison they're exuding.
18216 -- The Roguelet's ABC
18218 F. S. Fitzgerald to Hemingway:
18219 "Ernest, the rich are different from us."
18221 "Yes. They have more money."
18223 f u cn rd ths, itn tyg h myxbl cd.
18225 f u cn rd ths, u cn gt a gd jb n cmptr prgrmmng.
18227 F u cn rd ths u cnt spl wrth a dm!
18229 f u cn rd ths, u r prbbly a lsy spllr.
18231 FACILITY REJECTED 100044200000;
18233 Factorials were someone's attempt to make math LOOK exciting.
18235 Facts, apart from their relationships, are like labels on empty bottles.
18238 Facts are stubborn, but statistics are more pliable.
18240 Facts are the enemy of truth.
18243 Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored.
18246 Failed Attempts To Break Records
18247 In September 1978 Mr. Terry Gripton, of Stafford, failed to break
18248 the world shouting record by two and a half decibels. "I am not surprised
18249 he failed," his wife said afterwards. "He's really a very quiet man and
18250 doesn't even shout at me."
18251 In August of the same year Mr. Paul Anthony failed to break the
18252 record for continuous organ playing by 387 hours.
18253 His attempt at the Golden Fish Fry Restaurant in Manchester ended
18254 after 36 hours 10 minutes, when he was accused of disturbing the peace.
18255 "People complained I was too noisy," he said.
18256 In January 1976 Mr. Barry McQueen failed to walk backwards across
18257 the Menai Bridge playing the bagpipes. "It was raining heavily and my
18258 drone got waterlogged," he said.
18259 A TV cameraman thwarted Mr. Bob Specas' attempt to topple 100,000
18260 dominoes at the Manhattan Center, New York on 9 June 1978. 97,500 dominoes
18261 had been set up when he dropped his press badge and set them off.
18262 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
18264 Failure is more frequently from want of energy than want of capital.
18266 Fain would I climb, yet fear I to fall.
18267 -- Sir Walter Raleigh
18270 A horror story to prepare children for the newspapers.
18272 Faith goes out through the window when beauty comes in at the door.
18274 Faith has never moved as much as a pin-head from the place it
18275 ought to be according to tradition and the scriptures. It is
18276 the doubt that moved all the mountains.
18277 -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967)
18279 Faith is the quality that enables you to eat blackberry jam on a picnic
18280 without looking to see whether the seeds move.
18282 Faith is under the left nipple.
18286 That quality which enables us to believe what we know to be
18290 A psychologist whose charismatic data have inspired almost
18291 religious devotion in his followers, even though the sources seem to
18292 have shinnied up a rope and vanished.
18295 When two people have been on enough dates, they generally fall in
18296 love. You can tell you're in love by the way you feel: your head becomes
18297 light, your heart leaps within you, you feel like you're walking on air,
18298 and the whole world seems like a wonderful and happy place. Unfortunately,
18299 these are also the four warning signs of colon disease, so it's always a
18300 good idea to check with your doctor.
18303 Falling in love is a lot like dying.
18304 You never get to do it enough to become good at it.
18306 Falling in love makes smoking pot all day look like the ultimate in
18308 -- Dave Sim, author of "Cerebus"
18310 Fame is a vapor; popularity an accident;
18311 the only earthly certainty is oblivion.
18314 Fame lost its appeal for me when I went into a public restroom and an
18315 autograph seeker handed me a pen and paper under the stall door.
18318 Fame may be fleeting but obscurity is forever.
18320 Familiarity breeds attempt.
18322 Familiarity breeds contempt -- and children.
18325 Families, when a child is born
18326 Want it to be intelligent.
18327 I, through intelligence,
18328 Having wrecked my whole life,
18329 Only hope the baby will prove
18330 Ignorant and stupid.
18331 Then he will crown a tranquil life
18332 By becoming a Cabinet Minister
18336 Conspicuously miserable.
18337 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
18342 (1) Don't unplug it, it will just take a moment to fix.
18343 (2) Let's take the shortcut, he can't see us from there.
18344 (3) What happens if you touch these two wires tog--
18345 (4) We won't need reservations.
18346 (5) It's always sunny there this time of the year.
18347 (6) Don't worry, it's not loaded.
18348 (7) They'd never (be stupid enough to) make him a manager.
18349 (8) Don't worry! Women love it!
18352 (1) "Don't worry, I can handle it."
18353 (2) "You and what army?"
18354 (3) "If you were as smart as you think you are, you wouldn't be
18357 Fanaticism consists of redoubling your effort when you have
18358 forgotten your aim.
18359 -- George Santayana
18361 "Fantasies are free."
18362 "NO!! NO!! It's the thought police!!!!"
18364 Far back in the mists of ancient time, in the great and glorious days of the
18365 former Galactic Empire, life was wild, rich and largely tax free.
18367 Mighty starships plied their way between exotic suns, seeking adventure and
18368 reward among the furthest reaches of Galactic space. In those days, spirits
18369 were brave, the stakes were high, men were real men, women were real women
18370 and small furry creatures from Alpha Centauri were real small furry creatures
18371 from Alpha Centauri. And all dared to brave unknown terrors, to do mighty
18372 deeds, to boldly split infinitives that no man had split before -- and thus
18373 was the Empire forged.
18374 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
18376 Far duller than a serpent's tooth it is to spend a quiet youth.
18378 Far out in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the
18379 Western Spiral arm of the Galaxy lies a small unregarded yellow sun.
18380 Orbiting this at a distance of roughly ninety-eight million miles is an
18381 utterly insignificant little blue-green planet whose ape-descended life
18382 forms are so amazingly primitive that they still think digital watches
18383 are a pretty neat idea ...
18384 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
18386 Farmers in the Iowa State survey rated machinery breakdowns more
18387 stressful than divorce.
18388 -- Wall Street Journal
18390 Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it
18394 Fashions have done more harm than revolutions.
18397 Fast, cheap, good: pick two.
18399 Fast ship? You mean you've never heard of the Millennium Falcon?
18402 Faster, faster, you fool, you fool!
18405 Fat Liberation: because a waist is a terrible thing to mind.
18407 Fat people of the world unite, we've got nothing to lose!
18409 Father: Son, it's time we talked about sex.
18410 Son: Sure, Dad, what do you want to know?
18412 Fats Loves Madelyn.
18414 Fay: The British police force used to be run by men of integrity.
18415 Truscott: That is a mistake which has been rectified.
18416 -- Joe Orton, "Loot"
18419 What you feel when you see a U-Haul with Texas license plates.
18421 Fear and loathing, my man, fear and loathing.
18422 -- Hunter S. Thompson
18424 Fear is the greatest salesman.
18428 A surprising property of a program. Occasionally documented. To
18429 call a property a feature sometimes means the author did not
18430 consider that case, and the program makes an unexpected, though
18431 not necessarily wrong response. See BUG. "That's not a bug, it's
18432 a feature!" A bug can be changed to a feature by documenting it.
18434 Federal grants are offered for... research into the recreation
18435 potential of interplanetary space travel for the culturally
18438 Feel disillusioned? I've got some great new illusions ...
18440 Feel disillusioned?
18441 I've got some great new illusions, right here!
18443 Feeling amorous, she looked under the sheets and cried, "Oh, no,
18446 Felix Catus is your taxonomic nomenclature,
18447 An endothermic quadruped, carnivorous by nature.
18448 Your visual, olfactory, and auditory senses
18449 Contribute to your hunting skills and natural defenses.
18450 I find myself intrigued by your sub-vocal oscillations,
18451 A singular development of cat communications
18452 That obviates your basic hedonistic predilection
18453 For a rhythmic stroking of your fur to demonstrate affection.
18454 A tail is quite essential for your acrobatic talents:
18455 You would not be so agile if you lacked its counterbalance;
18456 And when not being utilized to aid in locomotion,
18457 It often serves to illustrate the state of your emotion.
18458 Oh Spot, the complex levels of behavior you display
18459 Connote a fairly well-developed cognitive array.
18460 And though you are not sentient, Spot, and do not comprehend,
18461 I nonetheless consider you a true and valued friend.
18462 -- Lt. Cmdr. Data, "An Ode to Spot"
18464 Fellow programmer, greetings! You are reading a letter which will bring
18465 you luck and good fortune. Just mail (or UUCP) ten copies of this letter
18466 to ten of your friends. Before you make the copies, send a chip or
18467 other bit of hardware, and 100 lines of "C" code to the first person on the
18468 list given at the bottom of this letter. Then delete their name and add
18469 yours to the bottom of the list.
18471 Don't break the chain! Make the copy within 48 hours. Gerald R. of San
18472 Diego failed to send out his ten copies and woke the next morning to find
18473 his job description changed to "COBOL programmer." Fred A. of New York sent
18474 out his ten copies and within a month had enough hardware and software to
18475 build a Cray dedicated to playing Zork. Martha H. of Chicago laughed at
18476 this letter and broke the chain. Shortly thereafter, a fire broke out in
18477 her terminal and she now spends her days writing documentation for IBM PC's.
18479 Don't break the chain! Send out your ten copies today!
18482 The gift that just "keeps on giving."
18485 The large glacial deposits that form on the insides
18486 of car fenders during snowstorms.
18487 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
18489 Ferguson's Precept:
18490 A crisis is when you can't say "let's forget the whole thing."
18492 Fertility is hereditary. If your parents didn't have any children,
18495 Fess: Well, you must admit there is something innately humorous about
18496 a man chasing an invention of his own halfway across the galaxy.
18497 Rod: Oh yeah, it's a million yuks, sure. But after all, isn't that the
18498 basic difference between robots and humans?
18499 Fess: What, the ability to form imaginary constructs?
18500 Rod: No, the ability to get hung up on them.
18501 -- Christopher Stasheff, "The Warlock in Spite of Himself"
18503 Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.
18507 A virtue peculiar to those who are about to be betrayed.
18509 Fifteen men on a dead man's chest,
18510 Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of rum!
18511 Drink and the devil had done for the rest,
18512 Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of rum!
18513 -- Stevenson, "Treasure Island"
18515 Fifth Law of Applied Terror:
18516 If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.
18519 If you are given a take-home exam, you will forget where you
18522 Fifth Law of Procrastination:
18523 Procrastination avoids boredom; one never has the feeling that
18524 there is nothing important to do.
18526 Fifty flippant frogs
18527 Walked by on flippered feet
18528 And with their slime they made the time
18531 Fights between cats and dogs are prohibited by statute in Barber, North
18535 A four drawer, manually activated trash compactor.
18538 Throwing your wait around.
18540 Fill what's empty, empty what's full, scratch where it itches.
18541 -- Alice Roosevelt Longworth
18544 Science is true. Don't be misled by facts.
18546 Finagle's Eighth Law:
18547 If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
18549 Finagle's Ninth Law:
18550 No matter what results are expected,
18551 someone is always willing to fake it.
18553 Finagle's Tenth Law:
18554 No matter what the result someone
18555 is always eager to misinterpret it.
18557 Finagle's Eleventh Law:
18558 No matter what occurs, someone believes
18559 it happened according to his pet theory.
18561 Finagle's First Law:
18562 To study a subject best, understand it thoroughly before you start.
18564 Finagle's Second Law:
18565 Always keep a record of data -- it indicates you've been working.
18567 Finagle's Fourth Law:
18568 Once a job is fouled up,
18569 anything done to improve it only makes it worse.
18571 Finagle's Fifth Law:
18572 Always draw your curves, then plot your readings.
18574 Finagle's Sixth Law:
18575 Don't believe in miracles -- rely on them.
18577 Finagle's Second Law:
18578 No matter what the anticipated result, there will always be
18579 someone eager to (a) misinterpret it, (b) fake it, or (c) believe it
18580 happened according to his own pet theory.
18582 Finagle's Seventh Law:
18583 The perversity of the universe tends toward a maximum.
18585 Finagle's Third Law:
18586 In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct,
18587 beyond all need of checking, is the mistake.
18590 (1) Nobody whom you ask for help will see it.
18591 (2) The first person who stops by, whose advice you really
18592 don't want to hear, will see it immediately.
18595 Perfection is finality.
18596 Nothing is perfect.
18597 There are lumps in it.
18599 Finding out what goes on in the C.I.A. is like performing acupuncture
18601 -- New York Times, Jan. 20, 1981
18603 Fine day for friends.
18606 Fine day to throw a party. Throw him as far as you can.
18608 Fine day to work off excess energy. Steal something heavy.
18611 Functionality breeds Contempt.
18613 Finish the sentence below in 25 words or less:
18615 "Love is what you feel just before you give someone a good ..."
18617 Mail your answer along with the top half of your supervisor to:
18620 Baffled Greek, Michigan
18623 A closed mouth gathers no feet.
18625 First, a few words about tools.
18627 Basically, a tool is an object that enables you to take advantage of
18628 the laws of physics and mechanics in such a way that you can seriously
18629 injure yourself. Today, people tend to take tools for granted. If
18630 you're ever walking down the street and you notice some people who look
18631 particularly smug, the odds are that they are taking tools for
18632 granted. If I were you, I'd walk right up and smack them in the face.
18633 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
18635 First Corollary of Taber's Second Law:
18636 Machines that piss people off get murdered.
18639 First Law of Bicycling:
18640 No matter which way you ride, it's uphill and against the
18643 First law of debate:
18644 Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference.
18646 First Law of Procrastination:
18647 Procrastination shortens the job and places the responsibility
18648 for its termination on someone else (i.e., the authority who imposed
18651 First Law of Socio-Genetics:
18652 Celibacy is not hereditary.
18654 First love is only a little foolishness and a lot of curiosity, no really
18655 self-respecting woman would take advantage of it.
18656 -- George Bernard Shaw, "John Bull's Other Island"
18658 First Rule of History:
18659 History doesn't repeat itself -- historians merely repeat each
18662 First rule of public speaking.
18663 First, tell 'em what you're goin' to tell 'em;
18665 then tell 'em what you've tole 'em.
18667 First there was Dial-A-Prayer, then Dial-A-Recipe, and even Dial-A-Footballer.
18668 But the south-east Victorian town of Sale has produced one to top them all.
18670 It all began early yesterday when Sale police received a telephone
18671 call: "You won't believe this, and I'm not drunk, but there's a wombat in the
18672 phone booth outside the town hall," the caller said.
18673 Not firmly convinced about the caller's claim to sobriety, members of
18674 the constabulary drove to the scene, expecting to pick up a drunk.
18675 But there it was, an annoyed wombat, trapped in a telephone booth.
18676 The wombat, determined not to be had the better of again, threw its
18677 bulk into the fray. It was eventually lassoed and released in a nearby scrub.
18678 Then the officers received another message ... another wombat in
18679 another phone booth.
18680 There it was: *Another* angry wombat trapped in a telephone booth.
18681 The constables took the miffed marsupial into temporary custody and
18682 released it, too, in the scrub.
18683 But on their way back to the station they happened to pass another
18684 telephone booth, and -- you guessed it -- another imprisoned wombat.
18685 After some serious detective work, the lads in blue found a suspect,
18686 and after questioning, released him to be charged on summons.
18687 Their problem ... they cannot find a law against placing wombats in
18689 -- "Newcastle Morning Herald", NSW Australia, Aug 1980
18691 First things first -- but not necessarily in that order.
18692 -- The Doctor, "Doctor Who"
18694 "First World" nations are the ones where people drive Japanese cars;
18695 "Second World" nations are where First World residents go on vacation;
18696 and "Third World" nations are the ones where people still dive out of
18697 trees to prove their manhood.
18701 A glass-enclosed isolation cell where newly
18702 promoted managers are kept for observation.
18704 Fishing, with me, has always been an excuse to drink in the daytime.
18707 Five bicycles make a Volkswagen, seven make a truck.
18710 Five is a sufficiently close approximation to infinity.
18713 Five names that I can hardly stand to hear,
18714 Including yours and mine and one more chimp who isn't here,
18715 I can see the ladies talking how the times is gettin' hard,
18716 And that fearsome excavation on Magnolia boulevard,
18717 Yes, I'm goin' insane,
18718 And I'm laughing at the frozen rain,
18719 Well, I'm so alone, honey when they gonna send me home?
18720 Bad sneakers and a pina colada my friend,
18721 Stopping on the avenue by Radio City, with a
18722 Transistor and a large sum of money to spend...
18723 You fellah, you tearin' up the street,
18724 You wear that white tuxedo, how you gonna beat the heat,
18725 Do you take me for a fool, do you think that I don't see,
18726 That ditch out in the Valley that they're diggin' just for me,
18727 Yes, and goin' insane,
18728 You know I'm laughin' at the frozen rain,
18729 Feel like I'm so alone, honey when they gonna send me home?
18731 -- Bad Sneakers, "Steely Dan"
18733 Five people -- an Englishman, Russian, American, Frenchman and Irishman
18734 were each asked to write a book on elephants. Some amount of time later they
18735 had all completed their respective books. The Englishman's book was entitled
18736 "The Elephant -- How to Collect Them", the Russian's "The Elephant -- Vol. I",
18737 the American's "The Elephant -- How to Make Money from Them", the Frenchman's
18738 "The Elephant -- Its Mating Habits" and the Irishman's "The Elephant and
18739 Irish Political History".
18741 Five rules for eternal misery:
18742 1) Always try to exhort others to look upon you favorably.
18743 2) Make lots of assumptions about situations and be sure to
18744 treat these assumptions as though they are reality.
18745 3) Then treat each new situation as though it's a crisis.
18746 4) Live in the past and future only (become obsessed with
18747 how much better things might have been or how much worse
18748 things might become).
18749 5) Occasionally stomp on yourself for being so stupid as to
18750 follow the first four rules.
18756 The plastic yoke that holds a six-pack of beer together.
18757 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
18759 Flappity, floppity, flip
18760 The mouse on the m"
\bobius strip;
18761 The strip revolved,
18762 The mouse dissolved
18763 In a chronodimensional skip.
18765 FLASH! Intelligence of mankind decreasing. Details at ... uh, when
18766 the little hand is on the ...
18768 Flattery is like cologne -- to be smelled, but not swallowed.
18771 Flattery will get you everywhere.
18773 Flee at once, all is discovered.
18775 Flirting is the gentle art of making a man feel pleased with himself.
18779 There is not now, and never will be, a language in which it is
18780 the least bit difficult to write bad programs.
18782 Florence Flask was ... dressing for the opera when she turned to her
18783 husband and screamed, "Erlenmeyer! My joules! Someone has stolen my
18786 "Now, now, my dear," replied her husband, "keep your balance and reflux
18787 a moment. Perhaps they're mislead."
18789 "No, I know they're stolen," cried Florence. "I remember putting them
18790 in my burette ... We must call a copper."
18792 Erlenmeyer did so, and the flatfoot who turned up, one Sherlock Ohms,
18793 said the outrage looked like the work of an arch-criminal by the name
18796 "We must be careful -- he's a free radical, ultraviolet, and
18797 dangerous. His girlfriend is a chlorine at the Palladium. Maybe I can
18798 catch him there." With that, he jumped on his carbon cycle in an
18799 activated state and sped off along the reaction pathway ...
18800 -- Daniel B. Murphy, "Precipitations"
18802 flowchart, n. & v.:
18803 [From flow "to ripple down in rich profusion, as hair" + chart
18804 "a cryptic hidden-treasure map designed to mislead the uninitiated."]
18805 1. n. The solution, if any, to a class of Mascheroni construction
18806 problems in which given algorithms require geometrical representation
18807 using only the 35 basic ideograms of the ANSI template. 2. n. Neronic
18808 doodling while the system burns. 3. n. A low-cost substitute for
18809 wallpaper. 4. n. The innumerate misleading the illiterate. "A
18810 thousand pictures is worth ten lines of code." -- The Programmer's
18811 Little Red Vade Mecum, Mao Tse T'umps. 5. v.intrans. To produce
18812 flowcharts with no particular object in mind. 6. v.trans. To obfuscate
18813 (a problem) with esoteric cartoons.
18814 -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
18817 When you need to knock on wood is when you realize that the
18818 world is composed of vinyl, naugahyde and aluminum.
18820 Fly me away to the bright side of the moon ...
18822 Flying is the second greatest feeling you can have. The greatest feeling?
18823 Landing... Landing is the greatest feeling you can have.
18825 Flying saucers on occasion
18826 Show themselves to human eyes.
18827 Aliens fume, put off invasion
18828 While they brand these tales as lies.
18831 Excessively (often obnoxiously) bright lamps mounted on the
18832 fronts of automobiles; used on dry, clear nights to indicate that the
18833 driver's brain is in a fog.
18835 See also "Idiot Lights".
18837 "Follow me around. I don't care. I'm serious. If anybody wants to put a
18838 tail on me, go ahead. They'd be very bored."
18839 -- Gary Hart, announcing his presidential candidacy,
18840 commenting on rumors of womanizing.
18842 Food for thought is no substitute for the real thing.
18843 -- Walt Kelly, "Potluck Pogo"
18845 Foolproof Operation:
18846 No provision for adjustment.
18848 Fools rush in -- and get the best seats in the house.
18850 Football builds self-discipline. What else would induce
18851 a spectator to sit out in the open in subfreezing weather?
18853 Football combines the two worst features of American life.
18854 It is violence punctuated by committee meetings.
18855 -- George F. Will, "Men At Work: The Craft of Baseball"
18857 Football is a game designed to keep coalminers off the streets.
18860 For 20 dollars, I'll give you a good fortune next time ...
18862 For a good time, call (510) 642-9483
18864 For a holy stint, a moth of the cloth gave up his woolens for lint.
18866 For a light heart lives long.
18867 -- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost"
18869 For a man to truly understand rejection, he must first be ignored by a
18872 For adult education nothing beats children.
18874 For ages, a deadly conflict has been waged between a few brave men and
18875 women of thought and genius upon the one side, and the great ignorant
18876 religious mass on the other. This is the war between Science and Faith.
18877 The few have appealed to reason, to honor, to law, to freedom, to the
18878 known, and to happiness here in this world. The many have appealed to
18879 prejudice, to fear, to miracle, to slavery, to the unknown, and to
18880 misery hereafter. The few have said "Think". The many have said "Believe!"
18881 -- Robert Ingersoll, "Gods"
18883 For an adequate time call 555-3321.
18885 For an idea to be fashionable is ominous, since it must afterwards be
18886 always old-fashioned.
18888 For certain people, after fifty, litigation takes the place of sex.
18891 For children with short attention spans: boomerangs that don't come back.
18893 For courage mounteth with occasion.
18894 -- William Shakespeare, "King John"
18896 For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
18899 For every bloke who makes his mark,
18900 there's half a dozen waiting to rub it out.
18903 For every complex problem, there is a solution that is simple, neat,
18907 For every credibility gap, there is a gullibility fill.
18910 For every human problem, there is a neat,
18911 plain solution -- and it is always wrong.
18914 For example, if \thinmskip = 3mu, this makes \thickmskip = 6mu. But if
18915 you also want to use \skip12 for horizontal glue, whether in math mode or
18916 not, the amount of skipping will be in points (e.g., 6pt). The rule is
18917 that glue in math mode varies with the size only when it is an \mskip;
18918 when moving between an mskip and ordinary skip, the conversion factor
18919 1mu=1pt is always used. The meaning of '\mskip\skip12' and
18920 '\baselineskip=\the\thickmskip' should be clear.
18921 -- Donald E. Knuth, TeX 82 -- Comparison with TeX80
18923 For fast-acting relief, try slowing down.
18925 For flavor, instant sex will never supersede the stuff you have to peel
18929 For fools rush in where angels fear to tread.
18938 For God's sake, stop researching for a while and begin to think!
18940 For good, return good.
18941 For evil, return justice.
18943 For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I do.
18944 -- Paul of Tarsus, (Saint Paul)
18946 For I swore I would stay a year away from her; out and alas!
18947 but with break of day I went to make supplication.
18948 -- Paulus Silentarius, c. 540 A.D.
18950 For if there is a sin against life, it consists perhaps not so much in
18951 despairing of life as in hoping for another life and in eluding the
18952 implacable grandeur of this life.
18955 For knighthood is not in the feats of war,
18956 As for to fight in quarrel right or wrong,
18957 But in a cause which truth cannot defer:
18958 He ought himself for to make sure and strong,
18959 Just to keep mixt with mercy among:
18960 And no quarrel a knight ought to take
18961 But for a truth, or for the common's sake.
18964 For large values of one, one equals two, for small values of two.
18966 For men use, if they have an evil turn, to write it in marble:
18967 and whoso doth us a good turn we write it in dust.
18970 For most men life is a search for the proper manila envelope in which to
18971 get themselves filed.
18974 For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I
18975 put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
18978 For my son, Robert, this is proving to be the high-point of his entire
18979 life to date. He has had his pajamas on for two, maybe three days
18980 now. He has the sense of joyful independence a 5-year-old child gets
18981 when he suddenly realizes that he could be operating an acetylene torch
18982 in the coat closet and neither parent [because of the flu] would have
18983 the strength to object. He has been foraging for his own food, which
18984 means his diet consists entirely of "food" substances which are
18985 advertised only on Saturday-morning cartoon shows; substances that are
18986 the color of jukebox lights and that, for legal reasons, have their
18987 names spelled wrong, as in New Creemy Chok-'n'-Cheez Lumps o' Froot
18988 ("part of this complete breakfast").
18989 -- Dave Barry, "Molecular Homicide"
18991 For myself, I can only say that I am astonished and somewhat terrified at
18992 the results of this evening's experiments. Astonished at the wonderful
18993 power you have developed, and terrified at the thought that so much hideous
18994 and bad music may be put on record forever.
18995 -- Sir Arthur Sullivan, message to Edison, 1888
18997 For people who like that kind of book,
18998 that is the kind of book they will like.
19000 For perfect happiness, remember two things:
19001 (1) Be content with what you've got.
19002 (2) Be sure you've got plenty.
19005 Parachute. Used once.
19006 Never opened. Slightly Stained.
19008 For some reason a glaze passes over people's faces when you say
19009 "Canada". Maybe we should invade South Dakota or something.
19010 -- Sandra Gotlieb, wife of the Canadian ambassador to
19013 For some reason, this fortune reminds everyone of Marvin Zelkowitz.
19015 "For that matter, compare your pocket computer with the massive jobs of
19016 a thousand years ago. Why not, then, the last step of doing away with
19017 computers altogether?"
19020 For the fashion of Minas Tirith was such that it was built on seven levels,
19021 each delved into a hill, and about each was set a wall, and in each wall
19023 -- J. R. R. Tolkien, "The Return of the King"
19025 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
19026 referring to system overview.]
19029 For the first time we have a weapon that nobody has used for thirty years.
19030 This gives me great hope for the human race.
19033 For the next hour, WE will control all that you see and hear.
19035 For thee the wonder-working earth puts forth sweet flowers.
19036 -- Titus Lucretius Carus
19038 For there are moments when one can neither think nor feel. And if one can
19039 neither think nor feel, she thought, where is one?
19040 -- Virginia Woolf, "To the Lighthouse"
19042 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
19043 referring to powerfail recovery.]
19045 For they starve the frightened little child
19046 Till it weeps both night and day:
19047 And they scourge the weak, and flog the fool,
19048 And gibe the old and grey,
19049 And some grow mad, and all grow bad,
19050 And none a word may say.
19052 Each narrow cell in which we dwell
19053 Is a foul and dark latrine,
19054 And the fetid breath of living Death
19055 Chokes up each grated screen,
19056 And all, but Lust, is turned to dust
19057 In Humanity's machine.
19059 And all men kill the thing they love,
19060 By all let this be heard,
19061 Some do it with a bitter look,
19062 Some with a flattering word,
19063 The coward does it with a kiss,
19064 The brave man with a sword.
19067 For thirty years a certain man went to spend every evening with Mme. ___.
19068 When his wife died his friends believed he would marry her, and urged
19069 him to do so. "No, no," he said: "if I did, where should I have to
19070 spend my evenings?"
19073 For those of you who have been unfortunate enough to never have tasted the
19074 'Great Chieftain O' the Pudden Race' (i.e. haggis) here is an easy to follow
19075 recipe which results in a dish remarkably similar to the above mentioned
19078 1 Sheep's Pluck (heart, lungs, liver) and bag
19079 2 teacupsful toasted oatmeal
19081 8 oz. shredded suet
19083 1/2 teaspoonful black pepper
19085 Scrape and clean bag in cold, then warm, water. Soak in salt water
19086 overnight. Wash pluck, then boil for 2 hours with windpipe draining over
19087 the side of pot. Retain 1 pint of stock. Cut off windpipe, remove surplus
19088 gristle, chop or mince heart and lungs, and grate best part of liver (about
19089 half only). Parboil and chop onions, mix all together with oatmeal, suet,
19090 salt, pepper and stock to moisten. Pack the mixture into bag, allowing for
19091 swelling. Boil for three hours, pricking regularly all over. If bag not
19092 available, steam in greased basin covered by greaseproof paper and cloth for
19093 four to five hours.
19095 For those who like this sort of thing, this is the sort of thing they
19099 "For three days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow but
19100 phone calls taper off."
19103 For what it's worth, if you -can- get Michelle Pfeiffer to model
19104 a latex daemon suit for the catalog, I strongly suggest you do.
19105 Breasts can sell anything. Shiny red latex body suits start
19107 -- Brian McGroarty <bvmcg@yahoo.com>
19109 For years a secret shame destroyed my peace --
19110 I'd not read Eliot, Auden or MacNiece.
19111 But now I think a thought that brings me hope:
19112 Neither had Chaucer, Shakespeare, Milton, Pope.
19113 -- Justin Richardson
19115 For your penance, say five Hail Marys and one loud BLAH!
19117 Force has no place where there is need of skill.
19120 "Force is but might," the teacher said--
19121 "That definition's just."
19122 The boy said naught but thought instead,
19123 Remembering his pounded head:
19124 "Force is not might but must!"
19127 If it breaks, well, it wasn't working anyway...
19128 No, don't force it, get a bigger hammer.
19130 FORCE YOURSELF TO RELAX!
19133 A prediction of the future, based on the past, for
19134 which the forecaster demands payment in the present.
19136 Forest fires cause Smokey Bears.
19139 A gift of God bestowed upon debtors in compensation for their
19140 destitution of conscience.
19142 Forgive and forget.
19146 for he believes that the customs of his tribe are the laws of nature!
19147 -- George Bernard Shaw
19149 Forgive, O Lord, my little jokes on Thee
19150 And I'll forgive Thy great big one on me.
19153 Forgive your enemies, but don't forget their names.
19156 Forms follow function, and often obliterate it.
19158 Forsan et haec olim meminisse juvabit.
19162 FORTRAN is a good example of a language
19163 which is easier to parse using ad hoc techniques.
19165 [What's good about it? Ed.]
19167 FORTRAN is for pipe stress freaks and crystallography weenies.
19169 FORTRAN is not a flower but a weed -- it is hardy,
19170 occasionally blooms, and grows in every computer.
19173 FORTRAN is the language of Powerful Computers.
19176 FORTRAN rots the brain.
19179 FORTRAN, "the infantile disorder", by now nearly 20 years old, is hopelessly
19180 inadequate for whatever computer application you have in mind today: it is
19181 too clumsy, too risky, and too expensive to use.
19182 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5
19184 [FORTRAN] will persist for some time --
19185 probably for at least the next decade.
19188 Fortunate is he for whom the belle toils.
19190 Fortunately, the responsibility for providing evidence is on the part of
19191 the person making the claim, not the critic. It is not the responsibility
19192 of UFO skeptics to prove that a UFO has never existed, nor is it the
19193 responsibility of paranormal-health-claims skeptics to prove that crystals
19194 or colored lights never healed anyone. The skeptic's role is to point out
19195 claims that are not adequately supported by acceptable evidence and to
19196 provide plausible alternative explanations that are more in keeping with
19197 the accepted body of scientific evidence.
19198 -- Thomas L. Creed, The Skeptical Inquirer, Vol. XII,
19201 Fortune and love befriend the bold.
19204 FORTUNE ANSWERS THE TOUGH QUESTIONS: #3
19206 Q: Why haven't you graduated yet?
19207 A: Well, Dad, I could have finished years ago, but I wanted
19208 my dissertation to rhyme.
19210 FORTUNE ANSWERS THE TOUGH QUESTIONS: #8
19213 A: No, He's a mythter.
19215 fortune: cannot execute. Out of cookies.
19217 fortune: CPU time/usefulness ratio too high -- core dumped.
19219 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #14
19222 Let's say a man and woman are watching a boxing match on TV. One
19223 of the boxers is felled by a low blow. The woman says "Oh, gee. That must
19224 hurt." The man doubles over and actually FEELS the pain.
19227 A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the
19228 garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up
19229 for: weddings, funerals. Speaking of weddings, when reminiscing about
19230 weddings, women talk about "the ceremony". Men laugh about "the bachelor
19234 Men think David Letterman is the funniest man on the face of the
19235 Earth. Women think he is a mean, semi-dorky guy who always has a bad
19238 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #16
19241 First of all, a man does not call a relationship a relationship -- he
19242 refers to it as "that time when me and Suzie were doing it on a semi-regular
19244 When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to
19245 her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are Idiots". Then
19246 she will get on with her life.
19247 A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the
19248 breakup, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, "I just
19249 wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I
19250 hate you, and you're a total floozy. But I want you to know that there's
19251 always a chance for us". This is known as the "I Hate You / I Love You"
19252 drunken phone call, that 99% if all men have made at least once. There are
19253 community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need; alas,
19254 these classes rarely prove effective.
19256 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #17
19259 The average man has 4 pairs of footwear: running shoes, dress shoes,
19260 boots, and slippers. The average woman has shoes 4 layers thick on the floor
19261 of her closet. Most of them hurt her feet.
19264 A woman will meet another woman with common interests, do a few things
19265 together, and say something like, "I hope we can be good friends."
19266 A man will meet another man with common interests, do a few things
19267 together, and say nothing. After years of interacting with this other man,
19268 sharing hopes and fears that he wouldn't confide in his priest or
19269 psychiatrist, he'll finally let down his guard in a fit of drunken
19270 sentimentality and say something like, "You know, for someone who's such a
19271 jerk, I guess you're OK."
19273 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #2
19276 A woman will generally admire an ornate dessert for the artistic
19277 work it is, praising its creator and waiting a suitable interval before
19278 she reluctantly takes a small sliver off one edge. A man will start by
19279 grabbing the cherry in the center.
19282 The average man thinks his Y chromosome contains complete repair
19283 manuals for every car made since World War II. He will work on a problem
19284 himself until it either goes away or turns into something that "can't be
19285 fixed without special tools".
19286 The average woman thinks "that funny thump-thump noise" is an
19287 accurate description of an automotive problem. She will, however, have the
19288 car serviced at the proper intervals and thereby incur fewer problems than
19291 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #4
19294 When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about "the ceremony".
19295 Men talk about "the bachelor party".
19298 Men don't discard clothes. The average man still has the gym shirt
19299 he wore in high school. He thinks a jacket is "just getting broken in" about
19300 the time it develops holes in the elbows. A man will let new shirts sit on
19301 the shelf in their original packaging for a couple of years before putting
19302 them to use, hoping they'll become more comfortable with age.
19303 Women think clothes are radioactive, with a half-life of one year.
19304 They exercise precautions to avoid contamination by last year's fashions.
19306 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #5
19309 The average woman would really like to be told if her mate is fooling
19310 around behind her back. This same woman wouldn't tell her best friend if
19311 she knew the best friends' mate was having an affair. She'll tell all her
19312 OTHER friends, however. The average man won't say anything if he knows that
19313 one of his friend's mates is fooling around, and he'd rather not know if
19314 his mate is having an affair either, out of fear that it might be with one
19315 of his friends. He will tell all his friends about his own affairs, though,
19316 so they can be ready if he needs an alibi.
19320 A typical man thinks he's Mario Andretti as soon as he slips behind
19321 the wheel of his car. The fact that it's an 8-year-old Honda doesn't keep
19322 him from trying to out-accelerate the guy in the Porsche who's attempting
19323 to cut him off; freeway on-ramps are exciting challenges to see who has The
19324 Right Stuff on the morning commute. Does he or doesn't he? Only his body
19325 shop knows for sure. Insurance companies understand this behavior, and
19326 price their policies accordingly.
19327 A woman will slow down to let a car merge in front of her, and get
19328 rear-ended by another woman who was busy adding the finishing touches to
19331 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #6
19334 A man has six items in his bathroom -- a toothbrush, toothpaste,
19335 shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.
19336 The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man
19337 would not be able to identify most of these items.
19340 A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes to the store
19341 and buys these things. A man waits 'til the only items left in his fridge
19342 are half a lime and a Blue Ribbon. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys
19343 everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter,
19344 his cart is packed tighter that the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies.
19345 Of course, this will not stop him from entering the 10-items-or-less lane.
19347 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #8
19350 When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to go
19351 out. When a woman says she is ready to go out, it means she WILL be ready
19352 to go out, as soon as she finds her earring, finishes putting on her makeup,
19353 checks on the kids, makes a phone call to her best friend...
19356 Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't
19357 looking, men kick cats.
19360 Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows
19361 about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends
19362 and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. Men are vaguely
19363 aware of some short people living in the house.
19365 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #9
19368 Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article
19369 of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight
19370 years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes,
19371 he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain
19372 of clothes to the laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at
19373 the laundromat. This is a myth.
19376 If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle get together for lunch,
19377 they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle. But if
19378 Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately
19379 refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Godzilla, Peanut Brain and Useless.
19382 Men wear sensible socks. They wear standard white sweatsocks.
19383 Women wear strange socks. They are cut way below the ankles, have pictures
19384 of clouds on them, and have a big fuzzy ball on the back.
19386 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #10
19389 Bogart stars as the owner of a North African nightclub that sells
19390 only Mexican beer. Of course, this policy gets him into no end of
19391 trouble with the local French authorities who would really prefer
19392 wine and the occupying Germans who believe that only their beer is
19393 fit to be sold. Wacky events ensue until the gripping climax in
19394 which the much-hated German beer distributor is drowned in a vat.
19396 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #11
19399 Peter Weir's classic film examining the false heroism of parlour
19400 games. The powerful ending of the film sees one young man after
19401 another charge toward GO, only to senselessly lose his life on the
19402 Boardwalk property.
19404 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #12
19406 O.E.D.: David Lean, 1969, 3 hours 30 min.
19408 Lean's version of the Oxford Dictionary has been accused of
19409 shallowness in its treatment of a complete work. Omar Sharif
19410 tends to overact as aardvark, but Alec Guinness is solid in
19411 the role of abbacy. As usual, the photography is stunning.
19412 With Julie Christie.
19414 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #3
19416 MIRACLE ON 42ND STREET:
19417 Santa Claus, in the off season, follows his heart's desire and
19418 tries to make it big on Broadway. Santa sings and dances his way
19421 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #4
19424 Peter Weir directs Sylvester Stallone in the most challenging role
19425 of his career. Stallone plays a Philadelphia police officer on the
19426 run from corrupt officials. He is wounded and then nursed back to
19427 health by Amish Mennonites. Fearful that they might unwittingly
19428 reveal his hiding place, he blows them all away.
19430 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #5
19432 THE ATOMIC GRANDMOTHER:
19433 This humorous but heart-warming story tells of an elderly woman
19434 forced to work at a nuclear power plant in order to help the family
19435 make ends meet. At night, granny sits on the porch, tells tales
19436 of her colorful past, and the family uses her to cook barbecues
19437 and to power small electrical appliances. Maureen Stapleton gives
19438 a glowing performance.
19440 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #6
19442 RAZORBACK: Paul Harbride, 1984, 2 hours 25 min.
19443 One of the great Australian films of the early 1980's, and
19444 arguably the best movie ever made about a large, man-eating
19445 hog. Some violence. With Gregory Harrison.
19447 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #7
19449 OUT OF "OUT OF AFRICA":
19450 This film is a compilation of selected news clips depicting audiences
19451 frantically pushing and shoving to get out of theatres where "Out of
19452 Africa" is showing. Many people are trampled to death in the frenzy.
19453 Due to its violence and offensive language, not recommended for
19456 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #8
19458 THE SMURFS AND THE CUISINART (1986)
19459 The lovable little blue Smurfs encounter a lovable little kitchen
19460 appliance, which invites them to play. The Smurfs learn a valuable
19461 (if sometimes fatal) lesson.
19463 THE SMURFS AND THE CARBON-DIOXIDE INDUSTRIAL LASER (1987)
19464 The inevitable sequel. The lovable and somewhat mangled surviving
19465 Smurfs team up with the Care Bears to encounter a cute, lovable piece
19466 of high-tech welding equipment, which teaches them the magic of
19467 becoming rather greasy smoke. Heartwarming fun for the entire family.
19469 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #9
19471 THE PARKING PROBLEM IN PARIS: Jean-Luc Godard, 1971, 7 hours 18 min.
19473 Godard's meditation on the topic has been described as
19474 everything from "timeless" to "endless." (Remade by Gene
19475 Wilder as NO PLACE TO PARK.)
19477 Fortune Documents the Great Legal Decisions:
19479 It is a rule of evidence deduced from the experience of mankind and
19480 supported by reason and authority that positive testimony is entitled to
19481 more weight than negative testimony, but by the latter term is meant
19482 negative testimony in its true sense and not positive evidence of a
19483 negative, because testimony in support of a negative may be as positive
19484 as that in support of an affirmative.
19485 -- 254 Pac. Rep. 472.
19487 Fortune Documents the Great Legal Decisions:
19489 We can imagine no reason why, with ordinary care, human toes could not be
19490 left out of chewing tobacco, and if toes are found in chewing tobacco, it
19491 seems to us that someone has been very careless.
19494 Fortune Documents the Great Legal Decisions:
19496 We think that we may take judicial notice of the fact that the term "bitch"
19497 may imply some feeling of endearment when applied to a female of the canine
19498 species but that it is seldom, if ever, so used when applied to a female
19499 of the human race. Coming as it did, reasonably close on the heels of two
19500 revolver shots directed at the person of whom it was probably used, we think
19501 it carries every reasonable implication of ill-will toward that person.
19502 -- Smith v. Moran, 193 N.E. 2d 466.
19504 FORTUNE EXPLAINS WHAT JOB REVIEW CATCH PHRASES MEAN: #1
19506 skilled oral communicator:
19507 Mumbles inaudibly when attempting to speak. Talks to self.
19508 Argues with self. Loses these arguments.
19510 skilled written communicator:
19511 Scribbles well. Memos are invariable illegible, except for
19512 the portions that attribute recent failures to someone else.
19515 With proper guidance, periodic counseling, and remedial training,
19516 the reviewee may, given enough time and close supervision, meet
19517 the minimum requirements expected of him by the company.
19519 key company figure:
19520 Serves as the perfect counter example.
19522 FORTUNE EXPLAINS WHAT JOB REVIEW CATCH PHRASES MEAN: #4
19525 Reviewee hasn't gotten anything right yet, and it is anticipated
19526 that this pattern will continue throughout the coming year.
19528 an excellent sounding board:
19529 Present reviewee with any number of alternatives, and implement
19530 them in the order precisely opposite of his/her specification.
19532 a planner and organizer:
19533 Usually manages to put on socks before shoes. Can match the
19534 animal tags on his clothing.
19536 FORTUNE EXPLAINS WHAT JOB REVIEW CATCH PHRASES MEAN: #9
19538 has management potential:
19539 Because of his intimate relationship with inanimate objects, the
19540 reviewee has been appointed to the critical position of department
19544 A true inspiration to others. ("There, but for the grace of God,
19548 Passes wind, water, or out depending upon the severity of the
19552 Continually sets low goals for himself, and usually fails
19555 Fortune favors the lucky.
19557 Fortune finishes the great quotations, #12
19559 Those who can, do. Those who can't, write the instructions.
19561 Fortune finishes the great quotations, #15
19563 "Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses."
19564 And while you're at it, throw in a couple of those Dallas
19565 Cowboy cheerleaders.
19567 Fortune finishes the great quotations, #17
19569 "This bud of love, by summer's ripening breath,
19570 May prove a beauteous flower when next we meet."
19571 Juliet, this bud's for you.
19573 Fortune finishes the great quotations, #2
19575 If at first you don't succeed, think how many people
19578 Fortune finishes the great quotations, #21
19580 Shall I compare thee to a Summer day?
19583 Fortune finishes the great quotations, #3
19585 Birds of a feather flock to a newly washed car.
19587 Fortune finishes the great quotations, #6
19589 "But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?"
19590 It's nothing, honey. Go back to sleep.
19592 Fortune finishes the great quotations, #9
19594 A word to the wise is often enough to start an argument.
19596 fortune: No such file or directory
19601 USEFUL PHRASES IN ESPERANTO, #1.
19603 ^Cu vi parolas angle? Do you speak English?
19604 Mi ne komprenas. I don't understand.
19605 Vi estas la sola esperantisto kiun mi You're the only Esperanto speaker
19606 renkontas. I've met.
19607 La ^ceko estas enpo^stigita. The check is in the mail.
19608 Oni ne povas, ^gin netrovi. You can't miss it.
19609 Mi nur rigardadas. I'm just looking around.
19610 Nu, ^sajnis bona ideo. Well, it seemed like a good idea.
19613 USEFUL PHRASES IN ESPERANTO, #2.
19615 ^Cu tiu loko estas okupita? Is this seat taken?
19616 ^Cu vi ofte venas ^ci-tien? Do you come here often?
19617 ^Cu mi povas havi via telelonnumeron? May I have your phone number?
19618 Mi estas komputilisto. I work with computers.
19619 Mi legas multe da scienca fikcio. I read a lot of science fiction.
19620 ^Cu necesas ke vi eliras? Do you really have to be going?
19623 USEFUL PHRASES IN ESPERANTO, #5.
19625 Mi ^cevalovipus vin se mi havus I'd horsewhip you if I had a horse.
19627 Vere vi ^sercas. You must be kidding.
19628 Nu, parDOOOOOnu min! Well exCUUUUUSE me!
19629 Kiu invitis vin? Who invited you?
19630 Kion vi diris pri mia patrino? What did you say about my mother?
19631 Bu^so^stopu min per kulero. Gag me with a spoon.
19633 FORTUNE PRESENTS FAMOUS LAST WORDS: #4
19635 Socrates: I DRANK WHAT!?!?
19636 Tarzan: Who greased the grape viiiiiiiiiiiinnnneee........
19637 Al Capone: There's a violin in my violin case!
19638 Pilot, TWA Fl. #343: What's a mountain goat doing 'way up here?
19640 FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #13
19642 A: Doc, Happy, Bashful, Dopey, Sneezy, Sleepy, & Grumpy
19643 Q: Who were the Democratic presidential candidates?
19645 FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #15
19647 A: The Royal Canadian Mounted Police.
19648 Q: What was the greatest achievement in taxidermy?
19650 FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #19
19652 A: To be or not to be.
19653 Q: What is the square root of 4b^2?
19655 FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #21
19657 A: Dr. Livingston I. Presume.
19658 Q: What's Dr. Presume's full name?
19660 FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #31
19662 A: Chicken Teriyaki.
19663 Q: What is the name of the world's oldest kamikaze pilot?
19665 FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #4
19667 A: Go west, young man, go west!
19668 Q: What do wabbits do when they get tiwed of wunning awound?
19670 FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #5
19672 A: The Halls of Montezuma and the Shores of Tripoli.
19673 Q: Name two families whose kids won't join the Marines.
19675 FORTUNE REMEMBERS THE GREAT MOTHERS: #5
19677 "And, and, and, and, but, but, but, but!"
19678 -- Mrs. Janice Markowsky, April 8, 1965
19680 FORTUNE REMEMBERS THE GREAT MOTHERS: #6
19682 "Johnny, if you fall and break your leg, don't come running to me!"
19683 -- Mrs. Emily Barstow, June 16, 1954
19685 Fortune suggests uses for YOUR favorite UNIX commands!
19689 drink < bottle; opener (Bourne Shell)
19690 cat "food in tin cans" (all but 4.[23]BSD)
19691 Hey UNIX! Got a match? (V6 or C shell)
19692 mkdir matter; cat > matter (Bourne Shell)
19694 man: Why did you get a divorce? (C shell)
19695 date me (anything up to 4.3BSD)
19696 make "heads or tails of all this"
19699 If I had a ) for every dollar of the national debt, what would I have?
19700 sleep with me (anything up to 4.3BSD)
19702 Fortune: You will be attacked next Wednesday at 3:15 p.m. by six samurai
19703 sword wielding purple fish glued to Harley-Davidson motorcycles.
19705 Oh, and have a nice day!
19706 -- Bryce Nesbitt '84
19708 fortune's Contribution of the Month to the Animal Rights Debate:
19710 I'll stay out of animals' way if they'll stay out of mine.
19711 "Hey you, get off my plate"
19714 Fortune's current rates:
19718 Answers requiring thought .50
19719 Correct answers $1.00
19721 Dumb looks are still free.
19723 Fortune's diet truths:
19724 1: Forget what the cookbooks say, plain yogurt tastes nothing like sour cream.
19725 2: Any recipe calling for soybeans tastes like mud.
19726 3: Carob is not an acceptable substitute for chocolate. In fact, carob is not
19727 an acceptable substitute for anything, except, perhaps, brown shoe polish.
19728 4: There is no such thing as a "fun salad." So let's stop pretending and see
19729 salads for what they are: God's punishment for being fat.
19730 5: Fruit salad without maraschino cherries and marshmallows is about as
19731 appealing as tepid beer.
19732 6: A world lacking gravy is a tragic place!
19733 7: You should immediately pass up any recipes entitled "luscious and
19734 low-cal." Also skip dishes featuring "lively liver." They aren't and
19736 8: Wearing a blindfold often makes many diet foods more palatable.
19737 9: Fresh fruit is not dessert. CAKE is dessert!
19738 10: Okra tastes slightly worse than its name implies.
19739 11: A plain baked potato isn't worth the effort involved in chewing and
19742 Fortune's Exercising Truths:
19744 1: Richard Simmons gets paid to exercise like a lunatic. You don't.
19745 2. Aerobic exercises stimulate and speed up the heart. So do heart attacks.
19746 3. Exercising around small children can scar them emotionally for life.
19747 4. Sweating like a pig and gasping for breath is not refreshing.
19748 5. No matter what anyone tells you, isometric exercises cannot be done
19749 quietly at your desk at work. People will suspect manic tendencies as
19750 you twitter around in your chair.
19751 6. Next to burying bones, the thing a dog enjoys most is tripping joggers.
19752 7. Locking four people in a tiny, cement-walled room so they can run around
19753 for an hour smashing a little rubber ball -- and each other -- with a hard
19754 racket should immediately be recognized for what it is: a form of insanity.
19755 8. Fifty push-ups, followed by thirty sit-ups, followed by ten chin-ups,
19756 followed by one throw-up.
19757 9. Any activity that can't be done while smoking should be avoided.
19759 FORTUNE'S FAVORITE RECIPES: #8
19762 1 or 2 quarts rum 1 tbsp. baking powder
19763 1 cup butter 1 tsp. soda
19764 1 tsp. sugar 1 tbsp. lemon juice
19765 2 large eggs 2 cups brown sugar
19766 2 cups dried assorted fruit 3 cups chopped English walnuts
19768 Before you start, sample the rum to check for quality. Good, isn't it? Now
19769 select a large mixing bowl, measuring cup, etc. Check the rum again. It
19770 must be just right. Be sure the rum is of the highest quality. Pour one cup
19771 of rum into a glass and drink it as fast as you can. Repeat. With an electric
19772 mixer, beat one cup butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add 1 seaspoon of tugar
19773 and beat again. Meanwhile, make sure the rum teh absolutely highest quality.
19774 Sample another cup. Open second quart as necessary. Add 2 orge laggs, 2 cups
19775 of fried druit and beat untill high. If the fried druit gets stuck in the
19776 beaters, just pry it loose with a screwdriver. Sample the rum again, checking
19777 for toncisticity. Next sift 3 cups of baking powder, a pinch of rum, a
19778 seaspoon of toda and a cup of pepper or salt (it really doesn't matter).
19779 Sample some more. Sift 912 pint of lemon juice. Fold in schopped butter and
19780 strained chups. Add bablespoon of brown gugar, or whatever color you have.
19781 Mix mell. Grease oven and turn cake pan to 350 gredees and rake until
19782 poothtick comes out crean.
19784 Fortune's Fictitious Country Song Title of the Week:
19785 "How Can I Miss You if You Won't Go Away?"
19787 FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #1
19788 A guinea pig is not from Guinea but a rodent from South America.
19789 A firefly is not a fly, but a beetle.
19790 A giant panda bear is really a member of the raccoon family.
19791 A black panther is really a leopard that has a solid black coat
19792 rather than a spotted one.
19793 Peanuts are not really nuts. The majority of nuts grow on trees
19794 while peanuts grow underground. They are classified as a
19795 legume-part of the pea family.
19796 A cucumber is not a vegetable but a fruit.
19798 FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #14
19799 The Baby Ruth candy bar was not named after George Herman "The Babe"
19800 Ruth, but after the oldest daughter of President Grover Cleveland.
19802 FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #37
19803 Can you name the seven seas?
19804 Antarctic, Arctic, North Atlantic, South Atlantic, Indian,
19805 North Pacific, South Pacific.
19806 Can you name the seven dwarfs from Snow White?
19807 Doc, Dopey, Sneezy, Happy, Grumpy, Sleepy and Bashful.
19809 FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #44
19810 Zebra's are colored with dark stripes on a light background.
19812 FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #108
19814 In Memphis, Tennessee, it is illegal for a woman to drive a car unless
19815 there is a man either running or walking in front of it waving a red
19816 flag to warn approaching motorists and pedestrians.
19818 FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #14
19819 According to Kentucky state law, every person must take a bath
19820 at least once a year.
19822 FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #16
19824 The Arkansas legislature passed a law that states that the Arkansas River
19825 can rise no higher than to the Main Street bridge in Little Rock.
19827 FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #19
19828 A Los Angeles judge ruled that "a citizen may snore with immunity in
19829 his own home, even though he may be in possession of unusual and exceptional
19830 ability in that particular field."
19832 FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #1
19834 In Blythe, California, a city ordinance declares that a person must own
19835 at least two cows before he can wear cowboy boots in public.
19837 FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #2
19838 Horses are forbidden to eat fire hydrants in Marshalltown, Iowa.
19840 FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #3
19841 A New York City judge ruled that if two women behind you at the
19842 movies insist on discussing the probable outcome of the film, you have the
19843 right to turn around and blow a Bronx cheer at them.
19845 FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #8
19847 Idaho state law makes it illegal for a man to give his sweetheart
19848 a box of candy weighing less than fifty pounds.
19850 Fortune's graffito of the week (or maybe even month):
19852 Don't Write On Walls!
19856 You want I should type?
19858 Fortune's Great Moments in History: #3
19861 A Hall of Fame opened to honor outstanding members of the
19862 Women's Air Corp. It was a WAC's Museum.
19864 FORTUNE'S GUIDE TO DEALING WITH REAL-LIFE SCIENCE FICTION: #14
19866 if reality disappears?
19867 Hope this one doesn't happen to you. There isn't much that you
19868 can do about it. It will probably be quite unpleasant.
19870 if you meet an older version of yourself who has invented a time
19871 traveling machine, and has come from the future to meet you?
19872 Play this one by the book. Ask about the stock market and cash in.
19873 Don't forget to invent a time traveling machine and visit your
19874 younger self before you die, or you will create a paradox. If you
19875 expect this to be tricky, make sure to ask for the principles
19876 behind time travel, and possibly schematics. Never, NEVER, ask
19877 when you'll die, or if you'll marry your current SO.
19879 FORTUNE'S GUIDE TO DEALING WITH REAL-LIFE SCIENCE FICTION: #2
19881 if you get a phone call from Mars:
19882 Speak slowly and be sure to enunciate your words properly. Limit
19883 your vocabulary to simple words. Try to determine if you are
19884 speaking to someone in a leadership capacity, or an ordinary citizen.
19886 if he, she or it doesn't speak English?
19887 Hang up. There's no sense in trying to learn Martian over the phone.
19888 If your Martian really had something important to say to you, he, she
19889 or it would have taken the trouble to learn the language before
19892 if you get a phone call from Jupiter?
19893 Explain to your caller, politely but firmly, that being from Jupiter,
19894 he, she or it is not "life as we know it". Try to terminate the
19895 conversation as soon as possible. It will not profit you, and the
19896 charges may have been reversed.
19898 FORTUNE'S GUIDE TO DEALING WITH REAL-LIFE SCIENCE FICTION: #6
19900 if a starship, equipped with an FTL hyperdrive lands in your backyard?
19901 First of all, do not run after your camera. You will not have any
19902 film, and, given the state of computer animation, noone will believe
19903 you anyway. Be polite. Remember, if they have an FTL hyperdrive,
19904 they can probably vaporize you, should they find you to be rude.
19905 Direct them to the White House lawn, which is where they probably
19906 wanted to land, anyway. A good road map should help.
19908 if you wake up in the middle of the night, and discover that your
19909 closet contains an alternate dimension?
19910 Don't walk in. You almost certainly will not be able to get back,
19911 and alternate dimensions are almost never any fun. Remain calm
19912 and go back to bed. Close the door first, so that the cat does not
19913 wander off. Check your closet in the morning. If it still contains
19914 an alternate dimension, nail it shut.
19916 Fortune's Guide to Freshman Notetaking:
19918 WHEN THE PROFESSOR SAYS: YOU WRITE:
19920 Probably the greatest quality of the poetry John Milton -- born 1608
19921 of John Milton, who was born in 1608, is the
19922 combination of beauty and power. Few have
19923 excelled him in the use of the English language,
19924 or for that matter, in lucidity of verse form,
19925 'Paradise Lost' being said to be the greatest
19926 single poem ever written."
19928 Current historians have come to Most of the problems that now
19929 doubt the complete advantageousness face the United States are
19930 of some of Roosevelt's policies... directly traceable to the
19931 bungling and greed of President
19934 ... it is possible that we simply do Professor Mitchell is a
19935 not understand the Russian viewpoint... communist.
19937 Fortune's Law of the Week (this week, from Kentucky):
19938 No female shall appear in a bathing suit at any airport in this
19939 State unless she is escorted by two officers or unless she is armed
19940 with a club. The provisions of this statute shall not apply to females
19941 weighing less than 90 pounds nor exceeding 200 pounds, nor shall it
19942 apply to female horses.
19944 Fortune's nomination for All-Time Champion and Protector of Youthful
19945 Morals goes to Representative Clare E. Hoffman of Michigan. During an
19946 impassioned House debate over a proposed bill to "expand oyster and
19947 clam research," a sharp-eared informant transcribed the following
19948 exchange between our hero and Rep. John D. Dingell, also of Michigan.
19950 DINGELL: There are places in the world at the present time where we are
19951 having to artificially propagate oysters and clams.
19952 HOFFMAN: You mean the oysters I buy are not nature's oysters?
19953 DINGELL: They may or may not be natural. The simple fact of the matter
19954 is that female oysters through their living habits cast out
19955 large amounts of seed and the male oysters cast out large
19956 amounts of fertilization ...
19957 HOFFMAN: Wait a minute! I do not want to go into that. There are many
19958 teenagers who read The Congressional Record.
19960 Fortune's Office Door Sign of the Week:
19962 Incorrigible punster -- Do not incorrige.
19964 FORTUNE'S PARTY TIPS #14
19966 Tired of finding that other people are helping themselves to your good
19967 liquor at BYOB parties? Take along a candle, which you insert and
19968 light after you've opened the bottle. No one ever expects anything
19969 drinkable to be in a bottle which has a candle stuck in its neck.
19971 Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #18:
19973 Q: Are you married?
19974 A: No, I'm divorced.
19975 Q: And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
19976 A: A lot of things I didn't know about.
19978 Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #19:
19980 Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
19981 A: All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.
19983 Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #29:
19985 THE JUDGE: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present
19986 information and prejudice from your minds, if you have
19989 Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #32:
19991 Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
19992 A: I will be three months November 8th.
19993 Q: Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?
19995 Q: What were you and your husband doing at that time?
19997 Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #37:
19999 Q: Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
20001 Q: What was he doing with the dog's ears?
20002 A: Picking them up in the air.
20003 Q: Where was the dog at this time?
20004 A: Attached to the ears.
20006 Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #3:
20008 Q: When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were
20009 able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to
20010 go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with
20011 him to the station?
20012 MR. BROOKS: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.
20014 Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #41:
20016 Q: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
20018 Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
20020 Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #52:
20022 Q: What is your name?
20023 A: Ernestine McDowell.
20024 Q: And what is your marital status?
20027 Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #7:
20029 Q: What happened then?
20030 A: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify
20032 Q: Did he kill you?
20035 Fortune's Rules for Memo Wars: #2
20037 Given the incredible advances in sociocybernetics and telepsychology over
20038 the last few years, we are now able to completely understand everything that
20039 the author of a memo is trying to say. Thanks to modern developments
20040 in electrocommunications like notes, vnews, and electricity, we have an
20041 incredible level of interunderstanding the likes of which civilization has
20042 never known. Thus, the possibility of your misinterpreting someone else's
20043 memo is practically nil. Knowing this, anyone who accuses you of having
20044 done so is a liar, and should be treated accordingly. If you *do* understand
20045 the memo in question, but have absolutely nothing of substance to say, then
20046 you have an excellent opportunity for a vicious ad hominem attack. In fact,
20047 the only *inappropriate* times for an ad hominem attack are as follows:
20049 1: When you agree completely with the author of a memo.
20050 2: When the author of the original memo is much bigger than you are.
20051 3: When replying to one of your own memos.
20053 FORTUNE'S RULES TO LIVE BY: #2
20055 Never goose a wolverine.
20057 FORTUNE'S RULES TO LIVE BY: #23
20059 Don't cut off a police car when making an illegal U-turn.
20061 Forty isn't old, if you're a tree.
20063 Four be the things I am wiser to know:
20064 Idleness, sorrow, a friend, and a foe.
20066 Four be the things I'd been better without:
20067 Love, curiosity, freckles, and doubt.
20069 Three be the things I shall never attain:
20070 Envy, content, and sufficient champagne.
20072 Three be the things I shall have till I die:
20073 Laughter and hope and a sock in the eye.
20074 -- Dorothy Parker, "Inventory"
20076 Four fifths of the perjury in the world is expended on
20077 tombstones, women and competitors.
20078 -- Lord Thomas Dewar
20080 Four hours to bury the cat?
20081 Yes, damn thing wouldn't keep still, kept mucking about, 'owling...
20083 Fourteen years in the professor dodge has taught me that one can argue
20084 ingeniously on behalf of any theory, applied to any piece of literature.
20085 This is rarely harmful, because normally no-one reads such essays.
20086 -- Robert Parker, quoted in "Murder Ink", ed. D. Wynn
20088 Fourth Law of Applied Terror:
20089 The night before the English History mid-term, your Biology
20090 instructor will assign 200 pages on planaria.
20093 Every instructor assumes that you have nothing else to do
20094 except study for that instructor's course.
20096 Fourth Law of Revision:
20097 It is usually impractical to worry beforehand about
20098 interferences -- if you have none, someone will make one for you.
20100 Fourth Law of Thermodynamics: If the probability of success is not
20101 almost one, it is damn near zero.
20104 Frankfort, Kentucky, makes it against the law to shoot off a
20107 Frankly, Scarlett, I don't have a fix.
20110 Fraud is the homage that force pays to reason.
20111 -- Charles Curtis, "A Commonplace Book"
20113 Free Speech Is The Right To Shout "Theater" In A Crowded Fire.
20114 -- A Yippie proverb
20116 Freedom begins when you tell Mrs. Grundy to go fly a kite.
20118 Freedom from incrustation of grime is contiguous to rectitude.
20120 Freedom is nothing else but the chance to do better.
20123 Freedom is slavery.
20124 Ignorance is strength.
20128 Freedom of the press is for those who happen to own one.
20130 Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose.
20131 -- Kris Kristofferson, "Me and Bobby McGee"
20133 Fremen add life to spice!
20135 Fresco's Discovery:
20136 If you knew what you were doing you'd probably be bored.
20138 Friction is a drag.
20141 Increased automation of clerical function
20142 invariably results in increased operational costs.
20144 Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
20148 People who borrow your books and set wet glasses on them.
20150 People who know you well, but like you anyway.
20152 Friends, Romans, Hipsters,
20153 Let me clue you in;
20154 I come to put down Caesar, not to groove him.
20155 The square kicks some cats are on stay with them;
20156 The hip bits, like, go down under; so let it lay with Caesar. The cool Brutus
20157 Gave you the message: Caesar had big eyes;
20158 If that's the sound, someone's copping a plea,
20159 And, like, old Caesar really set them straight.
20160 Here, copacetic with Brutus and the studs, -- for Brutus is a real cool cat;
20161 So are they all, all cool cats, --
20162 Come I to make this gig at Caesar's laying down.
20164 Friendships last when each friend thinks he has a slight superiority
20166 -- Honore de Balzac
20168 Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die,
20169 your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
20171 Frisbeetarianism, n.:
20172 The belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and
20176 To manipulate or adjust, to tweak. Derived from FROBNITZ.
20177 Usually abbreviated to FROB. Thus one has the saying "to frob a
20178 frob". See TWEAK and TWIDDLE. Usage: FROB, TWIDDLE, and TWEAK
20179 sometimes connote points along a continuum. FROB connotes aimless
20180 manipulation; TWIDDLE connotes gross manipulation, often a coarse
20181 search for a proper setting; TWEAK connotes fine-tuning. If someone is
20182 turning a knob on an oscilloscope, then if he's carefully adjusting it
20183 he is probably tweaking it; if he is just turning it but looking at the
20184 screen he is probably twiddling it; but if he's just doing it because
20185 turning a knob is fun, he's frobbing it.
20187 Frobnitz, pl. Frobnitzem (frob'nitsm) n.:
20188 An unspecified physical object, a widget. Also refers to
20189 electronic black boxes. This rare form is usually abbreviated to
20190 FROTZ, or more commonly to FROB. Also used are FROBNULE, FROBULE, and
20191 FROBNODULE. Starting perhaps in 1979, FROBBOZ (fruh-bahz'), pl.
20192 FROBBOTZIM, has also become very popular, largely due to its exposure
20193 via the Adventure spin-off called Zork (Dungeon). These can also be
20194 applied to non-physical objects, such as data structures.
20196 From 0 to "what seems to be the problem officer" in 8.3 seconds.
20197 -- Ad for the new VW Corrado
20199 From a certain point onward there is no longer any turning back.
20200 That is the point that must be reached.
20203 From a Tru64 patch description:
20205 Fixes a bug that causes a panic due to software error
20207 [From an announcement of a congress of the International Ontopsychology
20208 Association, in Rome]:
20210 The Ontopsychological school, availing itself of new research criteria
20211 and of a new telematic epistemology, maintains that social modes do not
20212 spring from dialectics of territory or of class, or of consumer goods,
20213 or of means of power, but rather from dynamic latencies capillarized in
20214 millions of individuals in system functions which, once they have
20215 reached the event maturation, burst forth in catastrophic phenomenology
20216 engaging a suitable stereotype protagonist or duty marionette (general,
20217 president, political party, etc.) to consummate the act of social
20218 schizophrenia in mass genocide.
20220 From Italian tourist guide:
20222 "Non stop trains to Roma Termini Station leave from 7.38
20223 a.m. to 10.08 p.m., hourly."
20225 From listening comes wisdom and from speaking repentance.
20227 From the cradle to the coffin underwear comes first.
20230 From the crystal swirling waters,
20232 To the sacred halls of Bayonne,
20233 Where we stand pajamas on. (It's the only thing that rhymes.)
20234 From ev'ry hallowed venue,
20235 Ev'ry forest, mount and vale,
20236 Your butt is on the menu
20237 And the check is in the mail.
20238 -- The Piranha Club Anthem, to the tune of "De Camptown Races"
20240 From the "Guiness Book of World Records", 1973:
20242 Certain passages in several laws have always defied interpretation and
20243 the most inexplicable must be a matter of opinion. A judge of the
20244 Court of Session of Scotland has sent the editors of this book his
20245 candidate which reads, "In the Nuts (unground), (other than ground
20246 nuts) Order, the expression nuts shall have reference to such nuts,
20247 other than ground nuts, as would but for this amending Order not
20248 qualify as nuts (unground)(other than ground nuts) by reason of their
20249 being nuts (unground)."
20251 From the moment I picked your book up until I put it down I was
20252 convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
20253 -- Groucho Marx, from "The Book of Insults"
20255 [From the operation manual for the CI-300 Dot Matrix Line Printer, made
20258 The excellent output machine of MODEL CI-300 as extraordinary DOT
20259 MATRIX LINE PRINTER, built in two MICRO-PROCESSORs as well as EAROM, is
20260 featured by permitting wonderful co-existence such as; "high quality
20261 against low cost", "diversified functions with compact design",
20262 "flexibility in accessibleness and durability of approx. 2000,000,00
20263 Dot/Head", "being sophisticated in mechanism but possibly agile
20264 operating under noises being extremely suppressed" etc.
20266 And as a matter of course, the final goal is just simply to help
20267 achieve "super shuttle diplomacy" between cool data, perhaps earned by
20268 HOST COMPUTER, and warm heart of human being.
20270 From the pages of Open Systems Today - October 13, 1994 ..........
20272 "The International Standards Organization (ISO) and the
20273 International Electrotechnical Commission (IEC) designated
20274 October 14 as World Standards Day to recognize those
20275 volunteers who have worked hard to define international
20276 standards.......The United States celebrated World Standards
20277 Day on October 11; Finland celebrated on October 13; and
20278 Italy celebrated on October 18."
20280 From the Pro 350 Pocket Service Guide, p. 49, Step 5 of the
20281 instructions on removing an I/O board from the card cage, comes a new
20282 experience in sound:
20284 5. Turn the handle to the right 90 degrees. The pin-spreading
20285 sound is normal for this type of connector.
20287 From too much love of living,
20288 From hope and fear set free,
20289 We thank with brief thanksgiving,
20290 Whatever gods may be,
20291 That no life lives forever,
20292 That dead men rise up never,
20293 That even the weariest river winds somewhere safe to sea.
20297 If you actually look like your passport photo, you aren't well
20300 Fudd's First Law of Opposition:
20301 Push something hard enough and it will fall over.
20304 Get a can of shaving cream, throw it in a freezer for about a week.
20305 Then take it out, peel the metal off and put it where you want...
20306 bedroom, car, etc. As it thaws, it expands an unbelievable amount.
20309 In table tennis, whoever gets 21 points first wins. That's how
20310 it once was in baseball -- whoever got 21 runs first won.
20313 The name California was given to the state by Spanish conquistadores.
20314 It was the name of an imaginary island, a paradise on earth, in the
20315 Spanish romance, "Les Serges de Esplandian", written by Montalvo in
20320 Fundamentally, there may be no basis for anything.
20323 Having to wander through a maze of ropes at an airport or bank
20324 even when you are the only person in line.
20325 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
20327 Furious activity is no substitute for understanding.
20330 Furthermore, if we send something by car, it's a shipment...
20331 but if we send it by ship, it's cargo.
20333 Future looks spotty. You will spill soup in late evening.
20335 Future will arrive by its own means. Progress not so.
20336 -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967)
20338 G. B. Shaw to William Douglas Home: "Go on writing plays, my boy. One
20339 of these days a London producer will go into his office and say to his
20340 secretary, `Is there a play from Shaw this morning?' and when she says
20341 `No,' he will say, `Well, then we'll have to start on the rubbish.' And
20342 that's your chance, my boy."
20344 Gaiety is the most outstanding feature of the Soviet Union.
20347 Galbraith's Law of Human Nature:
20348 Faced with the choice between changing one's mind and proving that
20349 there is no need to do so, almost everybody gets busy on the proof.
20351 Garbage In -- Gospel Out.
20354 An elastic band intended to keep a woman from coming out of her
20355 stockings and desolating the country.
20356 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
20358 Gauls! We have nothing to fear; except perhaps that the sky may fall
20359 on our heads tomorrow. But as we all know, tomorrow never comes!!
20360 -- Adventures of Asterix
20362 Gay shlafen: Yiddish for "go to sleep".
20364 Now doesn't "gay shlafen" have a softer, more soothing sound
20365 than the harsh, staccato "go to sleep"? Listen to the difference:
20366 "Go to sleep, you little wretch!" ... "Gay shlafen, darling."
20368 Clearly the best thing you can do for you children is to start
20369 speaking Yiddish right now and never speak another word of English as
20370 long as you live. This will, of course, entail teaching Yiddish to all
20371 your friends, business associates, the people at the supermarket, and
20372 so on, but that's just the point. It has to start with committed
20373 individuals and then grow ...
20374 Some minor adjustments will have to be made, of course: those
20375 signs written in what look like Yiddish letters won't be funny when
20376 everything is written in Yiddish. And we'll have to start driving on
20377 the left side of the road so we won't be reading the street signs
20378 backwards. But is that too high a price to pay for world peace? I
20379 think not, my friend, I think not.
20380 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
20382 Gee, Toto, I don't think we are in Kansas anymore.
20384 GEMINI (May 21 - June 20)
20385 A day to take the initiative. Put the garbage out, for
20386 instance, and pick up the stuff at the dry cleaners. Watch
20387 the mail carefully, although there won't be anything good
20388 in it today, either.
20390 GEMINI (May 21 - June 20)
20391 You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you
20392 because you are bisexual. However, you are inclined to expect too much
20393 for too little. This means you are cheap. Geminis are known for
20396 GEMINI (May 21 to Jun. 20)
20397 Good news and bad news highlighted. Enjoy the good news while
20398 you can; the bad news will make you forget it. You will enjoy praise
20399 and respect from those around you; everybody loves a sucker. A short
20400 trip is in the stars, possibly to the men's room.
20403 The predicament of a person in a restaurant who is unable to
20404 determine his or her designated restroom (e.g., turtles and
20406 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
20409 An account of one's descent from an ancestor
20410 who did not particularly care to trace his own.
20411 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
20413 General notions are generally wrong.
20414 -- Lady M. W. Montagu
20416 Generally speaking, the Way of the warrior is resolute acceptance of death.
20417 -- Miyamoto Musashi, 1645
20421 Generosity and perfection are your everlasting goals.
20423 Genetics explains why you look like your father, and if you don't, why
20427 A chemist who discovers a laundry additive that rhymes with bright.
20430 Person clever enough to be born in the right place at the right
20431 time of the right sex and to follow up this advantage by saying
20432 all the right things to all the right people.
20434 Genius does what it must, and Talent does what it can.
20437 Genius is one percent inspiration and ninety-nine percent perspiration.
20438 -- Thomas Alva Edison
20443 Genius is ten percent inspiration and fifty percent capital gains.
20445 Genius is the talent of a person who is dead.
20447 Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus
20452 A chemist who discovers a laundry additive that rhymes with
20456 Why he stays in the bottle.
20459 Whilst marching from Portugal to a position which commands the approach
20460 to Madrid and the French forces, my officers have been diligently complying
20461 with your requests which have been sent by H.M. ship from London to Lisbon and
20462 thence by dispatch to our headquarters.
20463 We have enumerated our saddles, bridles, tents and tent poles, and all
20464 manner of sundry items for which His Majesty's Government holds me accountable.
20465 I have dispatched reports on the character, wit, and spleen of every officer.
20466 Each item and every farthing has been accounted for, with two regrettable
20467 exceptions for which I beg your indulgence.
20468 Unfortunately the sum of one shilling and ninepence remains unaccounted
20469 for in one infantry battalion's petty cash and there has been a hideous
20470 confusion as to the number of jars of raspberry jam issued to one cavalry
20471 regiment during a sandstorm in western Spain. This reprehensible carelessness
20472 may be related to the pressure of circumstance, since we are war with France, a
20473 fact which may come as a bit of a surprise to you gentlemen in Whitehall.
20474 This brings me to my present purpose, which is to request elucidation of
20475 my instructions from His Majesty's Government so that I may better understand
20476 why I am dragging an army over these barren plains. I construe that perforce it
20477 must be one of two alternative duties, as given below. I shall pursue either
20478 one with the best of my ability, but I cannot do both:
20479 1. To train an army of uniformed British clerks in Spain for the benefit
20480 of the accountants and copy-boys in London or perchance:
20481 2. To see to it that the forces of Napoleon are driven out of Spain.
20482 -- Duke of Wellington, to the British Foreign Office,
20485 Genuine happiness is when a wife sees a double chin on her husband's
20488 George Bernard Shaw once sent two tickets to the opening night of one of
20489 his plays to Winston Churchill with the following note:
20490 "Bring a friend, if you have one."
20492 Churchill wrote back, returning the two tickets and excused himself as he
20493 had a previous engagement. He also attached the following:
20494 "Please send me two tickets for the next night, if there is one."
20496 George Orwell 1984. Northwestern 0.
20497 -- Chicago Reader 10/15/82
20499 George Orwell was an optimist.
20501 George Washington was first in war, first in peace -- and the first to
20502 have his birthday juggled to make a long weekend.
20505 George's friend Sam had a dog who could recite the Gettysburg Address. "Let
20506 me buy him from you," pleaded George after a demonstration.
20507 "Okay," agreed Sam. "All he knows is that Lincoln speech anyway."
20508 At his company's Fourth of July picnic, George brought his new pet
20509 and announced that the animal could recite the entire Gettysburg Address.
20510 No one believed him, and they proceeded to place bets against the dog.
20511 George quieted the crowd and said, "Now we'll begin!" Then he looked at
20512 the dog. The dog looked back. No sound. "Come on, boy, do your stuff."
20513 Nothing. A disappointed George took his dog and went home.
20514 "Why did you embarrass me like that in front of everybody?" George
20515 yelled at the dog. "Do you realize how much money you lost me?"
20516 "Don't be silly, George," replied the dog. "Think of the odds we're
20517 gonna get on Labor Day."
20519 (German philosopher) Georg Wilhelm Hegel, on his deathbed, complained, "Only
20520 one man ever understood me." He fell silent for a while and then added,
20521 "And he didn't understand me."
20523 Gerrold's Laws of Infernal Dynamics:
20524 (1) An object in motion will always be headed in the wrong
20526 (2) An object at rest will always be in the wrong place.
20527 (3) The energy required to change either one of these states
20528 will always be more than you wish to expend, but never so
20529 much as to make the task totally impossible.
20531 Get forgiveness now -- tomorrow you may no longer feel guilty.
20536 The Gurus of Unix Meeting of Minds (GUMM) takes place Wednesday, April 1, 2076
20537 (check THAT in your perpetual calendar program), 14 feet above the ground
20538 directly in front of the Milpitas Gumps. Members will grep each other by the
20539 hand (after intro), yacc a lot, smoke filtered chroots in pipes, chown with
20540 forks, use the wc (unless uuclean), fseek nice zombie processes, strip, and
20541 sleep, but not, we hope, od. Three days will be devoted to discussion of the
20542 ramifications of whodo. Two seconds have been allotted for a complete rundown
20543 of all the user-friendly features of Unix. Seminars include "Everything You
20544 Know is Wrong", led by Tom Kempson, "Batman or Cat:man?" led by Richie Dennis
20545 "cc C? Si! Si!" led by Kerwin Bernighan, and "Document Unix, Are You
20546 Kidding?" led by Jan Yeats. No Reader Service No. is necessary because all
20547 GUGUs (Gurus of Unix Group of Users) already know everything we could tell
20549 -- Dr. Dobb's Journal, June 1984
20551 Get in touch with your feelings of hostility against the dying light.
20554 Get Revenge! Live long enough to be a problem for your children!
20556 Getting into trouble is easy.
20557 -- D. Winkel and F. Prosser
20559 Getting kicked out of the American Bar Association is liked getting kicked
20560 out of the Book-of-the-Month Club.
20561 -- Melvin Belli on the occasion of his getting kicked out
20562 of the American Bar Association
20564 Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.
20567 Following the rules will not get the job done.
20569 Getting there is only half as far as getting there and back.
20571 Gibson's Springtime Song (to the tune of "Deck the Halls"):
20573 'Tis the season to chase mousies (Fa la la la la, la la la la)
20574 Snatch them from their little housies (...)
20575 First we chase them 'round the field (...)
20576 Then we have them for a meal (...)
20578 Toss them here and catch them there (...)
20579 See them flying through the air (...)
20580 Watch them fly and hear them squeal (...)
20581 Falling mice have great appeal (...)
20583 See the hunter stretched before us (...)
20584 He's chased the mice in field and forest (...)
20585 Watch him clean his long white whiskers (...)
20586 Of the blood of little critters (...)
20588 Gilbert's Discovery:
20589 Any attempt to use the new super glues results in the two pieces
20590 sticking to your thumb and index finger rather than to each other.
20592 Gil-galad was an Elven-King
20593 of him the harpers sadly sing;
20594 the last whose realm was fair and free
20595 between the Mountains and the Sea.
20597 His sword was long, his lance was keen,
20598 his shining helm afar was seen;
20599 the countless stars of heaven's field
20600 were mirrored in his silver shield.
20602 But long ago he rode away,
20603 and where he dwelleth none can say;
20604 for into darkness fell his star
20605 in Mordor where the shadows are.
20609 Ginsberg's Theorem:
20611 (2) You can't break even.
20612 (3) You can't even quit the game.
20614 Freeman's Commentary on Ginsberg's theorem:
20615 Every major philosophy that attempts to make life seem
20616 meaningful is based on the negation of one part of Ginsberg's
20619 (1) Capitalism is based on the assumption that you can win.
20620 (2) Socialism is based on the assumption that you can break
20622 (3) Mysticism is based on the assumption that you can quit the
20626 At the precise moment you take off your shoe in a shoe store, your
20627 big toe will pop out of your sock to see what's going on.
20629 GIVE: Support the helpless victims of computer error.
20631 Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day.
20632 Teach a man to fish, and he'll invite himself over for dinner.
20635 Give a small boy a hammer and he will find
20636 that everything he encounters needs pounding.
20638 Give a woman an inch and she'll park a car in it.
20640 Give all orders verbally. Never write anything down
20641 that might go into a "Pearl Harbor File".
20643 Give him an evasive answer.
20645 Give me a fish and I will eat today.
20646 Teach me to fish and I will eat forever.
20648 Give me a Plumber's friend the size of the Pittsburgh dome, and a place
20649 to stand, and I will drain the world.
20651 Give me a sleeping pill and tell me your troubles.
20653 Give me chastity and continence, but not just now.
20656 Give me enough medals, and I'll win any war.
20659 Give me libertines or give me meth.
20661 Give me the avowed, the erect, the manly foe,
20662 Bold I can meet -- perhaps may turn his blow!
20663 But of all plagues, good Heaven, thy wrath can send,
20664 Save me, oh save me from the candid friend.
20667 Give me the Luxuries, and the Hell with the Necessities!
20669 Give me your students, your secretaries,
20670 Your huddled writers yearning to breathe free,
20671 The wretched refuse of your Selectric III's.
20672 Give these, the homeless, typist-tossed to me.
20673 I lift my disk beside the processor.
20674 -- Inscription on a Word Processor
20676 Give thought to your reputation.
20677 Consider changing your name and moving to a new town.
20681 Give your child mental blocks for Christmas.
20683 Give your very best today.
20684 Heaven knows it's little enough.
20686 Given a choice between grief and nothing, I'd choose grief.
20687 -- William Faulkner
20689 Given its constituency, the only thing I expect to be "open" about [the
20690 Open Software Foundation] is its mouth.
20693 Given my druthers, I'd druther not.
20695 Given sufficient time, what you put
20696 off doing today will get done by itself.
20698 "Given the choice between accomplishing something and just lying
20699 around, I'd rather lie around. No contest."
20702 Giving money and power to governments is like giving whiskey and
20703 car keys to teenage boys.
20706 Giving up on assembly language was the apple in our Garden of Eden:
20707 Languages whose use squanders machine cycles are sinful. The LISP
20708 machine now permits LISP programmers to abandon bra and fig-leaf.
20709 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
20712 Petrified deposits of toothpaste found in sinks.
20713 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
20715 Glib's Fourth Law of Unreliability:
20716 Investment in reliability will increase until it exceeds the
20717 probable cost of errors, or until someone insists on getting some
20720 Gloffing is a state of mine.
20722 Glogg (a traditional Scandinavian holiday drink):
20723 fifth of dry red wine
20725 1 and 1/2 inch piece of cinnamon
20729 1 cup blanched or flaked almonds
20730 a few pieces of dried orange peel
20732 1/2 lb. sugar cubes
20733 Heat up the wine and hard stuff (which may be substituted with wine
20734 for the faint of heart) in a big pot after adding all the other stuff EXCEPT
20735 the sugar cubes. Just when it reaches boiling, put the sugar in a wire
20736 strainer, moisten it in the hot brew, lift it out and ignite it with a match.
20737 Dip the sugar several times in the liquid until it is all dissolved. Serve
20738 hot in cups with a few raisins and almonds in each cup.
20739 N.B. Aquavit may be hard to find and expensive to boot. Use it only
20740 if you really have a deep-seated desire to be fussy, or if you are of Swedish
20744 A person who leaves all his ski passes on his jacket just to
20746 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
20748 Go ahead, make my day.
20749 -- (Dirty) Harry Callahan
20751 Go away, I'm all right.
20752 -- H. G. Wells' last words
20754 Go away! Stop bothering me with all your
20755 "compute this ... compute that"! I'm taking a VAX-NAP.
20759 Go climb a gravity well!
20761 Go directly to jail. Do not pass Go, do not collect $200.
20763 Go not to the elves for counsel, for they will say both yes and no.
20764 -- J. R. R. Tolkien
20766 Go out and tell a lie that will make the whole family proud of you.
20767 -- Cadmus, to Pentheus, in "The Bacchae" by Euripides
20769 Go placidly amid the noise and waste, and remember what value there may
20770 be in owning a piece thereof.
20771 -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
20773 Go slowly to the entertainments of thy friends,
20774 but quickly to their misfortunes.
20777 Go to a movie tonight.
20778 Darkness becomes you.
20780 Go to the Scriptures... the joyful promises it contains will be a balsam to
20784 The foundations of our society and our government rest so much on the
20785 teachings of the Bible that it would be difficult to support them if faith
20786 in these teachings would cease to be practically universal in our country.
20789 Lastly, our ancestors established their system of government on morality and
20790 religious sentiment. Moral habits, they believed, cannot safely be trusted
20791 on any other foundation than religious principle, nor any government be
20792 secure which is not supported by moral habits.
20795 Go 'way! You're bothering me!
20797 Goals... Plans... they're fantasies, they're part of a dream world...
20801 Darwin's chief rival.
20803 God created a few perfect heads.
20804 The rest he covered with hair.
20807 And boredom did indeed cease from that moment --
20808 but many other things ceased as well.
20809 Woman was God's second mistake.
20810 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
20812 God did not create the world in seven days; he screwed around for six
20813 days and then pulled an all-nighter.
20815 God doesn't play dice.
20818 God gave man two ears and one tongue so
20819 that we listen twice as much as we speak.
20822 God gives burdens; also shoulders.
20824 Jimmy Carter cited this Jewish saying in his concession speech
20825 at the end of the 1980 election. At least he said it was a Jewish
20826 saying; I can't find it anywhere. I'm sure he's telling the truth
20827 though; why would he lie about a thing like that?
20830 "God gives burdens; also shoulders"
20832 Jimmy Carter cited this Jewish saying in his concession speech at the
20833 end of the 1980 election. At least he said it was a Jewish saying; I
20834 can't find it anywhere. I'm sure he's telling the truth though; why
20835 would he lie about a thing like that?
20836 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
20838 God grant us the serenity to accept the things we cannot change, courage to
20839 change the things we can, and wisdom to know the difference.
20841 God has intended the great to be great and the little to be little ...
20842 The trade unions, under the European system, destroy liberty ... I do
20843 not mean to say that a dollar a day is enough to support a workingman
20844 ... not enough to support a man and five children if he insists on
20845 smoking and drinking beer. But the man who cannot live on bread and
20846 water is not fit to live! A family may live on good bread and water in
20847 the morning, water and bread at midday, and good bread and water at
20849 -- Rev. Henry Ward Beecher
20851 God help the troubadour who tries to be a star. The more
20852 that you try to find success, the more that you will fail.
20853 -- Phil Ochs, on the Second System Effect
20855 God help those who do not help themselves.
20858 God helps them that helps themselves.
20859 -- Benjamin Franklin
20861 God, I ask for patience -- and I want it right now!
20863 God instructs the heart, not by ideas,
20864 but by pains and contradictions.
20867 God is a comic playing to an audience that's afraid to laugh.
20869 God is a polytheist.
20878 God is dead and I don't feel all too well either....
20881 God is love, but get it in writing.
20884 God is not dead. He is alive and well and working on a
20885 much less ambitious project.
20887 God is not dead! He's alive and autographing bibles at Cody's!
20889 God is real, unless declared integer.
20891 God is really only another artist. He invented the giraffe, the
20892 elephant and the cat. He has no real style, He just goes on trying
20896 God is the tangential point between zero and infinity.
20899 God isn't dead. He just doesn't want to get involved.
20901 God isn't dead, he just couldn't find a parking place.
20903 God made everything out of nothing, but the nothingness shows through.
20906 God made machine language; all the rest is the work of man.
20908 God made the Idiot for practice, and then He made the School Board.
20911 God made the integers; all else is the work of Man.
20914 God made the world in six days, and was arrested on the seventh.
20916 God may be subtle, but He isn't plain mean.
20919 God must have loved calories, she made so many of them.
20921 God must love the Common Man; He made so many of them.
20923 God rest ye CS students now, The bearings on the drum are gone,
20924 Let nothing you dismay. The disk is wobbling, too.
20925 The VAX is down and won't be up, We've found a bug in Lisp, and Algol
20926 Until the first of May. Can't tell false from true.
20927 The program that was due this morn, And now we find that we can't get
20928 Won't be postponed, they say. At Berkeley's 4.2.
20931 We've just received a call from DEC, And now some cheery news for you,
20932 They'll send without delay The network's also dead,
20933 A monitor called RSuX We'll have to print your files on
20934 It takes nine hundred K. The line printer instead.
20935 The staff committed suicide, The turnaround time's nineteen weeks.
20936 We'll bury them today. And only cards are read.
20939 And now we'd like to say to you CHORUS: Oh, tidings of comfort and joy,
20940 Before we go away, Comfort and joy,
20941 We hope the news we've brought to you Oh, tidings of comfort and joy.
20942 Won't ruin your whole day.
20943 You've got another program due, tomorrow, by the way.
20945 -- to God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen
20947 God runs electromagnetics by wave theory on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday,
20948 and the Devil runs them by quantum theory on Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday.
20951 God said it, I believe it and that's all there is to it.
20953 God save us from a bad neighbor and a beginner on the fiddle.
20955 God shows his contempt for wealth by the kind of person he selects
20959 God votes Republican.
20961 God was satisfied with his own work, and that is fatal.
20965 By the time you get to the point where you can make ends meet,
20966 somebody moves the ends.
20968 Going the speed of light is bad for your age.
20970 Going to church does not make a person religious, nor does going to
20971 school make a person educated, any more than going to a garage makes a
20975 A soft malleable metal relatively scarce in distribution. It
20976 is mined deep in the earth by poor men who then give it to rich men who
20977 immediately bury it back in the earth in great prisons, although gold
20978 hasn't done anything to them.
20979 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
20981 Goldenstern's Rules:
20982 (1) Always hire a rich attorney.
20983 (2) Never buy from a rich salesman.
20985 Goldfish... what stupid animals. Even Wayne Cody stops
20986 eating before he bursts.
20989 If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
20992 (1) A backscratcher will always find new itches.
20993 (2) Time accelerates.
20994 (3) The weather at home improves as soon as you go away.
20996 Gone With The Wind LITE(tm)
20997 -- by Margaret Mitchell
20999 A woman only likes men she can't have and the South gets trashed.
21001 Gift of the Magii LITE(tm)
21004 A husband and wife forget to register their gift preferences.
21006 The Old Man and the Sea LITE(tm)
21007 -- by Ernest Hemingway
21009 An old man goes fishing, but doesn't have much luck.
21011 Diary of a Young Girl LITE(tm)
21014 A young girl hides in an attic but is discovered.
21016 Good advice is one of those insults that ought to be forgiven.
21018 Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad
21020 -- La Rochefoucauld
21022 Good day for a change of scene. Repaper the bedroom wall.
21024 Good day for business affairs.
21025 Make a pass at that the new file clerk.
21027 Good day for overcoming obstacles. Try a steeplechase.
21029 Good day to avoid cops. Crawl to school.
21031 Good day to avoid cops. Crawl to work.
21033 Good day to deal with people in high places;
21034 particularly lonely stewardesses.
21036 Good day to let down old friends who need help.
21038 Good evening, gentlemen. I am a HAL 9000 computer. I became operational
21039 at the HAL plant in Urbana, Illinois, on January 11th, nineteen hundred
21040 ninety-five. My supervisor was Mr. Langley, and he taught me to sing a
21041 song. If you would like, I could sing it for you.
21043 Good, fast, and cheap. Choose any two.
21045 Good girls go to heaven, bad girls go everywhere.
21047 Good government never depends upon laws, but upon the personal qualities of
21048 those who govern. The machinery of government is always subordinate to the
21049 will of those who administer that machinery. The most important element of
21050 government, therefore, is the method of choosing leaders.
21051 -- Frank Herbert, "Children of Dune"
21053 "Good health" is merely the slowest rate at which one can die.
21055 Good judgement comes from experience.
21056 Experience comes from bad judgement.
21059 Good leaders being scarce, following yourself is allowed.
21061 Good morning. This is the telephone company. Due to repairs, we're
21062 giving you advance notice that your service will be cut off indefinitely
21063 at ten o'clock. That's two minutes from now.
21065 Good news. Ten weeks from Friday will be a pretty good day.
21067 Good news from afar can bring you a welcome visitor.
21069 Good news is just life's way of keeping you off balance.
21071 Good night, Austin, Texas, wherever you are!
21073 Good night, Mrs. Calabash, wherever you are.
21075 Good night to spend with family, but avoid arguments with your mate's
21078 Good salesmen and good repairmen will never go hungry.
21081 Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths good theatre.
21084 "Good-bye. I am leaving because I am bored."
21085 -- George Saunders' dying words
21087 Goodbye, cool world.
21089 Gordon's first law:
21090 If a research project is not worth doing, it is not worth doing
21094 If you think you have the solution, the question was poorly phrased.
21096 Gosh that takes me back... or is it forward? That's the trouble with
21097 time travel, you never can tell.
21098 -- Doctor Who, "Androids of Tara"
21101 Hearing something you like about someone you don't.
21104 //GO.SYSIN DD *, DOODAH, DOODAH
21106 Got a complaint about the Internal Revenue Service?
21107 Call the convenient toll-free "IRS Taxpayer Complaint Hot Line Number":
21111 Got a dictionary? I want to know the meaning of life.
21113 Got a wife and kids in Baltimore Jack,
21114 I went out for a ride and never came back.
21115 Like a river that don't know where it's flowing,
21116 I took a wrong turn and I just kept going.
21118 Everybody's got a hungry heart.
21119 Everybody's got a hungry heart.
21120 Lay down your money and you play your part,
21121 Everybody's got a hungry heart.
21123 I met her in a Kingstown bar,
21124 We fell in love, I knew it had to end.
21125 We took what we had and we ripped it apart,
21126 Now here I am down in Kingstown again.
21128 Everybody needs a place to rest,
21129 Everybody wants to have a home.
21130 Don't make no difference what nobody says,
21131 Ain't nobody likes to be alone.
21132 -- Bruce Springsteen, "Hungry Heart"
21135 Call Avogadro at 6.02 x 10^23.
21138 A programming tool that exists to allow structured programmers
21139 to complain about unstructured programmers.
21143 Anyone whom, when you fail to finish something strange or
21144 revolting, remarks that it's an acquired taste and that you're
21145 leaving the best part.
21147 Govern a great nation as you would cook a small fish. Don't overdo it.
21150 Government [is] an illusion the governed should not encourage.
21151 -- John Updike, "Couples"
21153 Government lies, and newspapers lie, but in a democracy they are
21156 Government spending? I don't know what it's all about. I don't know any
21157 more about this thing than an economist does, and, God knows, he doesn't
21159 -- The Best of Will Rogers
21161 Government spending? I don't know what it's all about. I don't know
21162 any more about this thing than an economist does, and, God knows, he
21167 There is an exception to all laws.
21169 Governor Tarkin. I should have expected to find you holding Vader's
21170 leash. I thought I recognized your foul stench when I was brought on
21172 -- Princess Leia Organa
21175 2 is not equal to 3 -- not even for large values of 2.
21177 Graduate life -- it's not just a job, it's an indenture.
21179 Graduate students and most professors are
21180 no smarter than undergrads. They're just older.
21182 Grand Master Turing once dreamed that he was a machine. When he awoke
21184 "I don't know whether I am Turing dreaming that I am a machine,
21185 or a machine dreaming that I am Turing!"
21186 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
21188 Grandpa Charnock's Law:
21189 You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
21191 [I thought it was when your kids learned to drive. Ed.]
21193 Graphics blind the eyes.
21194 Audio files deafen the ear.
21195 Mouse clicks numb the fingers.
21196 Heuristics weaken the mind.
21197 Options wither the heart.
21199 The Guru observes the net
21200 but trusts his inner vision.
21201 He allows things to come and go.
21202 His heart is as open as the ether.
21205 A creature that can leap to tremendous heights... once.
21207 Gratitude, like love, is never a dependable international emotion.
21211 What you get when you eat too much and too fast.
21213 Gravity brings me down.
21215 Gravity is a myth, the Earth sucks.
21217 Gray's Law of Programming:
21218 `_
\bn+1' trivial tasks are expected to be accomplished in the same
21219 time as `_
\bn' tasks.
21221 Logg's Rebuttal to Gray's Law:
21222 `_
\bn+1' trivial tasks take twice as long as `_
\bn' trivial tasks.
21224 Great acts are made up of small deeds.
21227 Great American Axiom:
21228 Some is good, more is better, too much is just right.
21230 Great minds run in great circles.
21232 GREAT MOMENTS IN AMERICAN HISTORY (#17):
21234 On November 13, Felix Unger was asked to remove himself from his
21235 place of residence.
21237 GREAT MOMENTS IN HISTORY (#7): April 2, 1751
21239 Isaac Newton becomes discouraged when he falls up a flight of stairs.
21241 GREAT MOMENTS IN HISTORY (#7): November 23, 1915
21243 Pancake make-up is invented; most people continue to prefer syrup.
21245 Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds.
21248 They laughed at Einstein. They laughed at the Wright Brothers. But they
21249 also laughed at Bozo the Clown.
21252 Greatness is a transitory experience. It is never consistent.
21254 Green light in A.M. for new projects.
21255 Red light in P.M. for traffic tickets.
21258 Never argue with a man who buys ink by the barrel.
21260 Green's Law of Debate:
21261 Anything is possible if you don't know what you're talking about.
21264 Eighty percent of all people consider themselves to be above
21267 grep me no patterns and I'll tell you no lines.
21269 Grief can take care of itself; but to get the full
21270 value of a joy you must have somebody to divide it with.
21274 When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last.
21276 Grig (the navigator):
21277 ... so you see, it's just the two of us against the entire space
21281 Grig: I've always wanted to fight a desperate battle against
21283 Alex: It'll be a slaughter!
21284 Grig: That's the spirit!
21285 -- The Last Starfighter
21287 Grinnell's Law of Labor Laxity:
21288 At all times, for any task, you have not got enough done today.
21290 Groundhog Day has been observed only once in Los Angeles because when the
21291 groundhog came out of its hole, it was killed by a mudslide.
21294 Grover Cleveland, though constantly at loggerheads with the Senate, got on
21295 better with the House of Representatives. A popular story circulating
21296 during his presidency concerned the night he was roused by his wife crying,
21297 "Wake up! I think there are burglars in the house."
21298 "No, no, my dear," said the president sleepily, "in the Senate
21299 maybe, but not in the House."
21301 Growing old isn't bad when you consider the alternatives.
21302 -- Maurice Chevalier
21304 Grownups are reluctant to take science fiction seriously, and with good
21305 reason: sci-fi is a hormonal activity, not a literary one. Its traditional
21306 concerns are all pubescent. Secondary sexual characteristics are everywhere,
21307 disguised. Aliens have tentacles. Telepathy allows you to have sex without
21308 any nasty inconvenience of touching. Womblike spaceships provide balanced
21309 meals. No one ever has to grow old -- body parts are replaceable, like
21310 Job's daughters, and if you're lucky you can become a robot. As for the
21311 adult world, it's simply not there; political systems tend to be naively
21312 authoritarian (there are more lords in science fiction than on public
21313 television) and are often ruled by young boys on quests. The most popular
21314 sci-fi book in years, Frank Herbert's Dune, sold millions of copies by
21315 combining all these themes: it ends with its adolescent hero conquering the
21316 universe while straddling a giant worm.
21319 Grub first, then ethics.
21323 A French chopping center.
21326 The probability of a given event
21327 occurring is inversely proportional to its desirability.
21329 Guns don't kill people. Bullets kill people.
21331 Gunter's Airborne Discoveries:
21332 (1) When you are served a meal aboard an aircraft,
21333 the aircraft will encounter turbulence.
21334 (2) The strength of the turbulence
21335 is directly proportional to the temperature of your coffee.
21338 The red warning flag at the top of a club sandwich which prevents
21339 the person from biting into it and puncturing the roof of his mouth.
21340 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
21343 A person in T-shirt and sandals who took an elevator ride with
21344 a senior vice-president and is ultimately responsible for the
21345 phone call you are about to receive from your boss.
21348 A computer owner who can read the manual.
21351 A wheel or disk mounted to spin rapidly about an axis and also
21352 free to rotate about one or both of two axes perpendicular to each
21353 other and the axis of spin so that a rotation of one of the two
21354 mutually perpendicular axes results from application of torque to the
21355 other when the wheel is spinning and so that the entire apparatus
21356 offers considerable opposition depending on the angular momentum to any
21357 torque that would change the direction of the axis of spin.
21358 -- Webster's Seventh New Collegiate Dictionary
21360 H: If a 'GOBLIN (HOB) waylays you,
21361 Slice him up before he slays you.
21362 Nothing makes you look a slob
21363 Like running from a HOB'LIN (GOB).
21364 -- The Roguelet's ABC
21366 H. L. Mencken suffers from the hallucination that he is H. L.
21367 Mencken -- there is no cure for a disease of that magnitude.
21368 -- Maxwell Bodenheim
21370 H. L. Mencken's Law:
21371 Those who can -- do.
21372 Those who can't -- teach.
21374 Martin's Extension:
21375 Those who cannot teach -- administrate.
21377 [No, those who can't teach, teach here. Ed.]
21380 Originally, any person with a knack for coercing stubborn inanimate
21381 things; hence, a person with a happy knack, later contracted by the mythical
21382 philosopher Frisbee Frobenius to the common usage, "hack".
21383 In olden times, upon completion of some particularly atrocious body
21384 of coding that happened to work well, culpable programmers would gather in
21385 a small circle around a first edition of Knuth's Best Volume I by candlelight,
21386 and proceed to get very drunk while sporadically rending the following ditty:
21388 Hacker's Fight Song
21390 He's a Hack! He's a Hack!
21391 He's a guy with the happy knack!
21392 Never bungles, never shirks,
21393 Always gets his stuff to work!
21395 All take a drink (important!)
21397 Hackers are just a migratory lifeform with a tropism for computers.
21399 Hacker's Guide To Cooking:
21400 2 pkg. cream cheese (the mushy white stuff in silver wrappings that doesn't
21401 really come from Philadelphia after all; anyway, about 16 oz.)
21402 1 tsp. vanilla extract (which is more alcohol than vanilla and pretty
21403 strong so this part you *GOTTA* measure)
21404 1/4 cup sugar (but honey works fine too)
21405 8 oz. Cool Whip (the fluffy stuff devoid of nutritional value that you
21406 can squirt all over your friends and lick off...)
21407 "Blend all together until creamy with no lumps." This is where you get to
21408 join(1) all the raw data in a big buffer and then filter it through
21409 merge(1m) with the -thick option, I mean, it starts out ultra lumpy
21410 and icky looking and you have to work hard to mix it. Try an electric
21411 beater if you have a cat(1) that can climb wall(1s) to lick it off
21413 "Pour into a graham cracker crust..." Aha, the BUGS section at last. You
21414 just happened to have a GCC sitting around under /etc/food, right?
21415 If not, don't panic(8), merely crumble a rand(3m) handful of innocent
21416 GCs into a suitable tempfile and mix in some melted butter.
21417 "...and refrigerate for an hour." Leave the recipe's stdout in a fridge
21418 for 3.6E6 milliseconds while you work on cleaning up stderr, and
21419 by time out your cheesecake will be ready for stdin.
21422 The belief that enhanced understanding will necessarily stir a
21423 nation to action is one of mankind's oldest illusions.
21425 Hackers of the world, unite!
21427 Hacker's Quicky #313:
21428 Sour Cream -n- Onion Potato Chips
21432 Hacking's just another word for nothing left to kludge.
21434 Had he and I but met
21435 By some old ancient inn, But ranged as infantry,
21436 We should have sat us down to wet And staring face to face,
21437 Right many a nipperkin! I shot at him as he at me,
21438 And killed him in his place.
21439 I shot him dead because --
21440 Because he was my foe, He thought he'd 'list, perhaps,
21441 Just so: my foe of course he was; Off-hand-like -- just as I --
21442 That's clear enough; although Was out of work -- had sold his traps
21443 No other reason why.
21444 Yes; quaint and curious war is!
21445 You shoot a fellow down
21446 You'd treat, if met where any bar is
21447 Or help to half-a-crown.
21450 Had I been present at the creation, I would have given some
21451 useful hints for the better ordering of the universe.
21452 -- Alfonso the Wise
21454 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
21455 referring to operating system initialization.]
21457 Hail to the sun god
21458 He sure is a fun god
21461 Hail to the sun god
21462 He's such a fun god
21465 Hailing frequencies open, Captain.
21467 Hain't we got all the fools in town on our side? And hain't that a big
21468 enough majority in any town?
21469 -- Mark Twain, "Huckleberry Finn"
21471 Hale Mail Rule, The:
21472 When you are ready to reply to a letter, you will lack at least
21473 one of the following:
21474 (a) A pen or pencil or typewriter.
21477 (d) The letter you are answering.
21479 Half a bee, philosophically, must ipso facto half not be.
21480 But half the bee has got to be, vis-a-vis its entity. See?
21481 But can a bee be said to be or not to be an entire bee,
21482 When half the bee is not a bee, due to some ancient injury?
21484 Half Moon tonight. (At least it's better than no Moon at all.)
21486 Half of being smart is knowing what you're dumb at.
21488 Half the world is composed of people who have something to say and can't,
21489 and the other half who have nothing to say and keep on saying it.
21492 This is the best way to eat a kosher dill -- when it's still
21493 crunchy, light green, yet full of garlic flavor. The difference
21494 between this and the typical soggy dark green cucumber corpse is like
21495 the difference between life and death.
21496 You may find it difficult to find a good half-done kosher dill
21497 there in Seattle, so what you should do is take a cab out to the
21498 airport, fly to New York, take the JFK Express to Jay Street-Borough
21499 Hall, transfer to an uptown F, get off at East Broadway, walk north on
21500 Essex (along the park), make your first left onto Hester Street, walk
21501 about fifteen steps, turn ninety degrees left, and stop. Say to the
21502 man, "Let me have a nice half-done."
21503 Worth the trouble, wasn't it?
21504 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
21506 Halley's Comet: It came, we saw, we drank.
21508 Hall's Laws of Politics:
21509 (1) The voters want fewer taxes and more spending.
21510 (2) Citizens want honest politicians until they want something
21512 (3) Constituency drives out consistency (i.e., liberals defend
21513 military spending, and conservatives social spending in
21514 their own districts).
21517 A singular instrument worn at the end of a human arm and
21518 commonly thrust into somebody's pocket.
21519 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
21522 You can't produce a baby in one month by impregnating 9 women!
21524 handshaking protocol, n:
21525 A process employed by hostile hardware devices to initiate a
21526 terse but civil dialogue, which, in turn, is characterized by
21527 occasional misunderstanding, sulking, and name-calling.
21529 Hanging on in quiet desperation is the English way.
21533 The wrath of grapes.
21536 Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by
21539 Hanson's Treatment of Time:
21540 There are never enough hours in a day, but always too many days
21543 Happiness adds and multiplies as we divide it with others.
21546 An agreeable sensation arising
21547 from contemplating the misery of another.
21550 Finding the owner of a lost bikini.
21552 Happiness is a hard disk.
21554 Happiness is a positive cash flow.
21556 Happiness is good health and a bad memory.
21559 Happiness is having a scratch for every itch.
21562 Happiness is just an illusion, filled with sadness and confusion.
21564 Happiness is the greatest good.
21566 Happiness is twin floppies.
21568 Happiness isn't having what you want, it's wanting what you have.
21570 Happiness isn't something you experience; it's something you remember.
21573 Happiness makes up in height what it lacks in length.
21576 An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of
21578 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
21580 Happy feast of the pig!
21582 Happy is the child whose father died rich.
21585 The quality of your own data; also how it is to believe those
21588 Hard reality has a way of cramping your style.
21591 Hard work may not kill you, but why take chances?
21593 Hard work may not kill you, but why take the chance?
21595 Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?
21596 -- Charlie McCarthy
21598 Hardware met Software on the road to Changtse. Software said: "You are Yin
21599 and I am Yang. If we travel together we will become famous and earn vast
21600 sums of money." And so the set forth together, thinking to conquer the world.
21601 Presently they met Firmware, who was dressed in tattered rage and
21602 hobbled along propped on a thorny stick. Firmware said to them: "The Tao
21603 lies beyond Yin and Yang. It is silent and still as a pool of water. It does
21604 not seek fame, therefore nobody knows its presence. It does not seek fortune,
21605 for it is complete within itself. It exists beyond space and time."
21606 Software and Hardware, ashamed, returned to their homes.
21609 The parts of a computer system that can be kicked.
21611 Hark, Hark, the dogs do bark
21612 The Duke is fond of kittens
21613 He likes to take their insides out
21614 And use them for his mittens
21617 Hark, the Herald Tribune sings,
21618 Advertising wondrous things.
21620 Angels we have heard on High
21621 Tell us to go out and Buy.
21624 Hark ye, Clinker, you are a most notorious offender. You stand
21625 convicted of sickness, hunger, wretchedness, and want.
21628 Harp not on that string.
21629 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
21631 Harriet's Dining Observation:
21632 In every restaurant, the hardness of the butter pats
21633 increases in direct proportion to the softness of the bread.
21635 Harris had the beefstead pie between his knees, and was carving it, and George
21636 and I were waiting with our plates ready.
21637 "Have you got a spoon there?" says Harris; "I want a spoon to help
21639 The hamper was close behind us, and George and I both turned round to
21640 reach one out. We were not five seconds getting it. When we looked round
21641 again, Harris and the pie were gone!
21642 It was a wide, open field. There was not a tree or a bit of hedge for
21643 hundreds of yards. He could not have tumbled into the river, because we were
21644 on the water side of him, and he would have had to climb over us to do it.
21645 George and I gazed all about. Then we gazed at each other.
21646 "Has he been snatched up to heaven?" I queried.
21647 "They'd hardly have taken the pie, too," said George.
21648 There seemed weight in this objection, and we discarded the heavenly
21650 "I suppose the truth of the matter is," suggested George, descending
21651 to the commonplace and practicable, "that there has been an earthquake."
21652 And then he added, with a touch of sadness in his voice: "I wish he
21653 hadn't been carving that pie."
21654 -- Jerome K. Jerome, "Three Men In A Boat"
21656 Harrisberger's Fourth Law of the Lab:
21657 Experience is directly proportional to the amount of equipment
21660 Harrison's Postulate:
21661 For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
21664 All the good ones are taken.
21666 Harry and Fred were playing their Sunday afternoon golf game. The game, as
21667 always, was close. They were at the treacherous 12th hole: a par three that
21668 required a perfect first shot over a large pond and onto a tiny green. There
21669 were sand traps on the other three sides of the green, and a small road 50
21670 feet beyond it. Harry went first. He carefully addressed the ball and hit
21671 a good shot that landed just on the edge of the green, narrowly avoiding the
21672 pond. Just as Fred addressed his ball, he looked up and noticed a funeral
21673 procession along the road just behind the green. Fred put down his club,
21674 took his hat off, and waited for the entire procession to pass. As soon as
21675 the cars were gone he put his hat back on and started addressing the ball
21676 again. Harry said, "Damn, Fred. That was a really nice thing you did,
21677 waiting for the funeral to pass like that."
21678 Fred finished his swing, making perfect contact with the ball. It
21679 was an excellent shot that landed 7 feet from the hole. "It's the least I
21680 could do," he said, smiling at his shot, "We were married for 22 years,
21683 Harry is heavily into camping, and every year in the late fall, he makes us
21684 all go to Assateague, which is an island on the Atlantic Ocean famous for
21685 its wild horses. I realize that the concept of wild horses probably stirs
21686 romantic notions in many of you, but this is because you have never met any
21687 wild horses in person. In person, they are like enormous hooved rats. They
21688 amble up to your camp site, and their attitude is: "We're wild horses.
21689 We're going to eat your food, knock down your tent and poop on your shoes.
21690 We're protected by federal law, just like Richard Nixon."
21693 Harry is heavily into camping, and every year in the late fall, he
21694 makes us all go to Assateague, which is an island on the Atlantic Ocean
21695 famous for its wild horses. I realize that the concept of wild horses
21696 probably stirs romantic notions in many of you, but this is because you
21697 have never met any wild horses in person. In person, they are like
21698 enormous hooved rats. They amble up to your camp site, and their
21699 attitude is: "We're wild horses. We're going to eat your food, knock
21700 down your tent and poop on your shoes. We're protected by federal law,
21701 just like Richard Nixon."
21702 -- Dave Barry, "Tenting Grandpa Bob"
21704 Harry's bar has a new cocktail. It's called MRS punch. They make it with
21705 milk, rum and sugar and it's wonderful. The milk is for vitality and the
21706 sugar is for pep. They put in the rum so that people will know what to do
21707 with all that pep and vitality.
21709 Hartley's First Law:
21710 You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to float
21711 on his back, you've got something.
21713 Hartley's Second Law:
21714 Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
21717 The completely psychotic have all the fun.
21720 Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure,
21721 temperature, volume, humidity, and other variables, the organism will
21722 do as it damn well pleases.
21726 Sophomore Dave Strewzinski... likes to pass. And pass he does, with
21727 a record 86 attempts (three completions) in 87 plays.... Though Strewzinski
21728 has so far failed to score any points for the Crimson, his jackrabbit speed
21729 has made him the least sacked quarterback in the Ivy league.
21731 The other directional signal in Harvard's offensive machine is senior
21732 Phil Yip, who is very fast. Yip is so fast that he has set a record for being
21733 fast. Expect to see Yip elude all pursuers and make it into the endzone five
21734 or six times, his average for a game. Yip, nicknamed "fumblefingers" and "you
21735 asshole" by his teammates, hopes to carry the ball with him at least one of
21739 On the defensive side, Yale boasts the stingiest line in the Ivies.
21740 Primarily responsible are seniors Izzy "Shylock" Bloomberg and Myron
21741 Finklestein, the tightest ends in recent Eli history. Also contributing to
21742 the powerful defense is junior tackle Angus MacWhirter, a Scotsman who rounds
21743 out the offensive ethnic joke. Look for these three to shut down the opening
21745 -- Harvard Lampoon 1988 Program Parody, distributed at The Game
21747 Has anyone ever tasted an "end"? Are they really bitter?
21749 "Has anyone had problems with the computer accounts?"
21750 "Yes, I don't have one."
21751 "Okay, you can send mail to one of the tutors ..."
21752 -- E. D'Azevedo, Computer Science 372
21754 Has everyone noticed that all the letters of the word "database" are
21755 typed with the left hand? Now the layout of the QWERTYUIOP typewriter
21756 keyboard was designed, among other things, to facilitate the even use
21757 of both hands. It follows, therefore, that writing about databases is
21758 not only unnatural, but a lot harder than it appears.
21760 Has the great art and mystery of politics no apparent utility? Does it
21761 appear to be unqualifiedly ratty, raffish, sordid, obscene and low down,
21762 and its salient virtuosi a gang of unmitigated scoundrels? Then let us
21763 not forget its high capacity to soothe and tickle the midriff, its
21764 incomparable services as a maker of entertainment.
21765 -- H. L. Mencken, "A Carnival of Buncombe"
21771 "Goodness! What lovely diamonds!"
21773 "Goodness had nothin' to do with it, dearie."
21774 -- "Night After Night", 1932
21776 Hate is like acid. It can damage the vessel in which it is
21777 stored as well as destroy the object on which it is poured.
21779 Hate the sin and love the sinner.
21782 Hating the Yankees is as American as pizza pie,
21783 unwed mothers and cheating on your income tax.
21787 A sentiment appropriate to the occasion of another's
21789 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
21791 Have a coke and a smile!
21796 Have a nice diurnal anomaly.
21798 Have a place for everything and keep the thing
21799 somewhere else; this is not advice, it is merely custom.
21805 Have an adequate day.
21809 Have no friends not equal to yourself.
21812 Have people realized that the purpose of the fortune cookie program is
21813 to defuse project tensions? When did you ever see a cheerful cookie, a
21814 non-cynical, or even an informative cookie?
21816 Perhaps inadvertently, we have a channel for our aggressions. This
21817 still begs the question of whether the cookie releases the pressure or
21818 only serves to blunt the warning signs.
21820 Long live the revolution!
21823 Have the courage to take your own thoughts
21824 seriously, for they will shape you.
21827 Have you ever felt like a wounded cow
21828 halfway between an oven and a pasture?
21829 walking in a trance toward a pregnant
21830 seventeen-year-old housewife's
21831 two-day-old cookbook?
21832 -- Richard Brautigan
21834 Have you ever met a man of good character where women are concerned?
21836 Well, I haven't. I find that whenever a woman becomes friends with me,
21837 she becomes jealous, exacting, suspicious, and a damn nuisance; and
21838 whenever I become friends with a woman, I become selfish and tyrannical.
21839 So here I am, Pickering, a confirmed old bachelor and very likely to
21841 -- Henry Higgins, "My Fair Lady"
21843 Have you ever noticed that the people who are always trying to tell
21844 you, "There's a time for work and a time for play," never find the time
21847 Have you ever wondered what makes Californians so calm? Besides drugs,
21848 I mean. The answer is hot tubs. A hot tub is a redwood container
21849 filled with water that you sit in naked with members of the opposite
21850 sex, none of whom is necessarily your spouse. After a few hours in
21851 their hot tubs, Californians don't give a damn about earthquakes or
21852 mass murderers. They don't give a damn about anything, which is why
21853 they are able to produce "Laverne and Shirley" week after week.
21854 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
21856 Have you flogged your kid today?
21858 "Have you lived here all your life?"
21859 "Oh, twice that long."
21861 Have you locked your file cabinet?
21863 Have you noticed that all you need to grow healthy, vigorous grass is a
21864 crack in your sidewalk?
21866 Have you noticed the way people's intelligence capabilities decline
21867 sharply the minute they start waving guns around?
21870 Have you reconsidered a computer career?
21872 Have you seen the latest Japanese camera? Apparently it is so fast it can
21873 photograph an American with his mouth shut!
21875 Have you seen the old man in the closed down market,
21876 Kicking up the papers in his worn out shoes?
21877 In his eyes you see no pride, hands hang loosely at his side
21878 Yesterdays papers, telling yesterdays news.
21880 How can you tell me you're lonely,
21881 And say for you the sun don't shine?
21882 Let me take you by the hand
21883 Lead you through the streets of London
21884 I'll show you something to make you change your mind...
21886 Have you seen the old man outside the sea-mans mission
21887 Memories fading like the metal ribbons that he wears.
21888 In our winter city the rain cries a little pity
21889 For one more forgotten hero and a world that doesn't care...
21891 Have you seen the well-to-do, up and down Park Avenue?
21892 On that famous thoroughfare, with their noses in the air,
21893 High hats and Arrow collars, white spats and lots of dollars,
21894 Spending every dime, for a wonderful time...
21895 If you're blue and you don't know where to go to,
21896 Why don't you go where fashion sits,
21898 Dressed up like a million dollar trooper,
21899 Trying hard to look like Gary Cooper, (super dooper)
21900 Come, let's mix where Rockefeller's walk with sticks,
21901 Or umbrellas, in their mitts,
21902 Puttin' on the Ritz.
21904 If you're blue and you don't know where to go to,
21905 Why don't you go where fashion sits,
21906 Puttin' on the Ritz.
21907 Puttin' on the Ritz.
21908 Puttin' on the Ritz.
21909 Puttin' on the Ritz.
21911 Having a baby isn't so bad. If you're a female Emperor penguin
21912 in the Antarctic. She lays the egg, rolls it over to the father,
21913 then takes off for warmer weather where she eats and eats and
21914 eats. For two months, the father stands stiff, without food,
21915 blind in the 24-hour dark, balancing the egg on his feet. After
21916 the little penguin is hatched, the mother sees fit to come home.
21917 -- L. M. Boyd, "Austin American-Statesman"
21919 Having a wonderful wine, wish you were beer.
21921 Having children is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.
21924 Having no talent is no longer enough.
21927 Having nothing, nothing can he lose.
21928 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
21930 Having the fewest wants, I am nearest to the gods.
21933 Having wandered helplessly into a blinding snowstorm Sam was greatly
21934 relieved to see a sturdy Saint Bernard dog bounding toward him with
21935 the traditional keg of brandy strapped to his collar.
21936 "At last," cried Sam, "man's best friend -- and a great big
21939 "Hawk, we're going to die."
21940 "Never say die... and certainly never say we."
21943 Hawkeye's Conclusion:
21944 It's not easy to play the clown
21945 when you've got to run the whole circus.
21947 He: Do you like Kipling?
21948 She: Oh, you naughty boy, I don't know! I've never kippled!
21950 He: "If I made love to you, would you yell?"
21951 She: "What do you want me to yell?"
21954 HE: Let's end it all, bequeathin' our brains to science.
21955 SHE: What?!? Science got enough trouble with their OWN brains.
21958 HE: Let's end it all, bequeathin' our brains to science.
21959 SHE: What?!? Science got enough trouble with their ___
\b\b\bOWN brains.
21962 He asked me if I knew what time it was -- I said yes, but not right now.
21965 "He did decide, though, that with more time and a great deal of mental
21966 effort, he could probably turn the activity into an acceptable
21968 -- Mick Farren, "When Gravity Fails"
21970 He didn't run for reelection. "Politics brings you into contact with all
21971 the people you'd give anything to avoid," he said. "I'm staying home."
21972 -- Garrison Keillor, "Lake Wobegon Days"
21974 He does it with a better grace, but I do it more natural.
21975 -- William Shakespeare, "Twelfth-Night"
21977 He draweth out the thread of his verbosity
21978 finer than the staple of his argument.
21979 -- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost"
21981 He flung himself on his horse and rode madly off in all directions.
21984 He gave her a look that you could have poured on a waffle.
21986 He had occasional flashes of silence that made his conversation
21987 perfectly delightful.
21990 He had that rare weird electricity about him -- that extremely wild and
21991 heavy presence that you only see in a person who has abandoned all hope
21992 of ever behaving "normally."
21993 -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing '72"
21995 He hadn't a single redeeming vice.
21998 He has been known by many names; the Prince of Lies, the Director, Lucifer,
21999 Belial, and once, at a party, some obnoxious drunk kept calling him "Dude".
22002 He has not acquired a fortune; the fortune has acquired him.
22005 He hath eaten me out of house and home.
22006 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV"
22008 He heard the snick of a rifle bolt and found himself peering down the muzzle
22009 of a weapon held by a drunken liquor store owner -- "There's a conflict," he
22010 said, "there's a conflict between land and people... the people have to go..."
22011 -- Stan Ridgeway, "Call of the West"
22013 He is a man capable of turning any colour into grey.
22016 He is considered a most graceful speaker
22017 who can say nothing in the most words.
22019 He is no lawyer who cannot take two sides.
22021 He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others.
22024 He is now rising from affluence to poverty.
22027 He is the best of men who dislikes power.
22030 He is truly wise who gains wisdom from another's mishap.
22032 He jests at scars who never felt a wound.
22033 -- William Shakespeare, "Romeo and Juliet, II. 2"
22035 He keeps differentiating, flying off on a tangent.
22037 He knew the tavernes well in every toun.
22038 -- Geoffrey Chaucer
22040 He knows not how to know who knows not also how to unknow.
22041 -- Sir Richard Burton
22043 He laughs at every joke three times... once when it's told,
22044 once when it's explained, and once when he understands it.
22046 He looked at me as if I were a side dish he hadn't ordered.
22049 He missed an invaluable opportunity to hold his tongue.
22052 He only knew his iron spine held up the sky -- he didn't realize his brain
22053 had fallen to the ground.
22054 -- The Book of Serenity
22056 (He opens a tolm and begins.)
22058 It says: "In the beginning was the Word."
22059 Already I am stopped. It seems absurd.
22060 The Word does not deserve the highest prize,
22061 I must translate it otherwise.
22062 If I am well inspired and not blind.
22063 It says: "In the beginning was the Mind."
22064 Ponder that first line, wait and see,
22065 Lest you should write too hastily.
22066 Is the Mind the all-creating source?
22067 It ought to say: "In the beginning there was Force."
22068 Yet something warns me as I grasp the pen,
22069 That my translation must be changed again.
22070 The spirit helps me. Now it is exact.
22071 I write: "In the beginning was the Act."
22072 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe, "Faust"
22074 [He] played the King as if afraid someone else might play the ace.
22075 -- Unattributed review of a performance of King Lear
22077 My tears stuck in their little ducts, refusing to be jerked.
22078 -- Peter Stack, movie review
22080 His performance is so wooden you want to spray him with Liquid Pledge.
22081 -- John Stark, movie review
22083 He played the king as if afraid someone else would play the ace.
22084 -- John Mason Brown, drama critic
22086 He tells you when you've got on too much lipstick,
22087 And helps you with your girdle when your hips stick.
22088 -- Ogden Nash, on the perfect husband
22090 He that breaks a thing to find out what it is has left the path of wisdom.
22091 -- J. R. R. Tolkien
22093 He that bringeth a present, findeth the door open.
22094 -- Scottish proverb
22096 He that composes himself is wiser than he that composes a book.
22097 -- Benjamin Franklin
22099 He that is giddy thinks the world turns round.
22100 -- William Shakespeare, "The Taming of the Shrew"
22102 He that teaches himself has a fool for a master.
22103 -- Benjamin Franklin
22105 He that would govern others, first should be the master of himself.
22107 He thinks by infection, catching an opinion like a cold.
22109 He thinks the Gettysburg Address is where Lincoln lived.
22110 -- Wanda, "A Fish Called Wanda"
22112 He thought he saw an albatross
22113 That fluttered 'round the lamp.
22114 He looked again and saw it was
22115 A penny postage stamp.
22116 "You'd best be getting home," he said,
22117 "The nights are rather damp."
22119 He thought of Musashi, the Sword Saint, standing in his garden more than
22120 three hundred years ago. "What is the 'Body of a rock'?" he was asked.
22121 In answer, Musashi summoned a pupil of his and bid him kill himself by
22122 slashing his abdomen with a knife. Just as the pupil was about to comply,
22123 the Master stayed his hand, saying, "That is the 'Body of a rock'."
22124 -- Eric Van Lustbader
22126 [He] took me into his library and showed me his books, of which he had
22130 He walks as if balancing the family tree on his nose.
22132 He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he
22133 made a woman out of dirt and married her. But when he kissed her, she
22134 disintegrated. Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said, "Dust to
22135 dust," some people laughed, and the cowboy shot them. At his hanging, he
22136 told the others, "I'll be waiting for you in heaven -- with a gun."
22139 He was a fiddler, and consequently a rogue.
22142 "He was a modest, good-humored boy. It was Oxford that made him
22145 He was part of my dream, of course --
22146 but then I was part of his dream too.
22149 "He was so narrow minded he could see through a keyhole with both
22152 He was the sort of person whose personality
22153 would be greatly improved by a terminal illness.
22155 He who always plows a straight furrow is in a rut.
22157 He who attacks the fundamentals of the American broadcasting industry
22158 attacks democracy itself.
22159 -- William S. Paley, chairman of CBS
22161 He who dares the wrong, acts right, that's how it happens!
22162 -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967)
22164 He who despairs over an event is a coward, but he who holds hopes for
22165 the human condition is a fool.
22168 He who despises himself nevertheless esteems himself as a self-despiser.
22169 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
22171 He who enters his wife's dressing room is a philosopher or a fool.
22172 -- Honore de Balzac
22174 He who fears the unknown may one day flee from his own backside.
22177 He who fights and runs away lives to fight another day.
22179 He who foresees calamities suffers them twice over.
22181 He who has a shady past knows that nice guys finish last.
22183 He who has but four and spends five has no need for a wallet.
22185 He who has imagination without learning has wings but no feet.
22187 He who has the courage to laugh is almost as much
22188 a master of the world as he who is ready to die.
22189 -- Giacomo Leopardi
22191 He who hates vices hates mankind.
22193 He who hesitates is a damned fool.
22196 He who hesitates is last.
22198 He who hesitates is sometimes saved.
22200 He who hoots with owls by night cannot soar with eagles by day.
22202 He who invents adages for others to peruse
22203 takes along rowboat when going on cruise.
22205 He who is content with his lot probably has a lot.
22207 He who is flogged by fate and laughs the louder is a masochist.
22209 He who is good for making excuses is seldom good for anything else.
22211 He who is in love with himself has at least this advantage -- he won't
22212 encounter many rivals.
22213 -- Georg Lichtenberg, "Aphorisms"
22215 He who is intoxicated with wine will be sober again in the course of the
22216 night, but he who is intoxicated by the cupbearer will not recover his
22217 senses until the day of judgement.
22220 He who is known as an early riser need not get up until noon.
22222 He who knows, does not speak. He who speaks, does not know.
22225 He who knows not and knows that he knows not is ignorant. Teach him.
22226 He who knows not and knows not that he knows not is a fool. Shun him.
22227 He who knows and knows not that he knows is asleep. Wake him.
22229 He who knows nothing, knows nothing.
22230 But he who knows he knows nothing knows something.
22231 And he who knows someone whose friend's wife's brother knows nothing,
22232 he knows something. Or something like that.
22234 He who knows others is wise.
22235 He who knows himself is enlightened.
22238 He who knows that enough is enough will always have enough.
22241 He who laughs has not yet heard the bad news.
22244 He who laughs last -- missed the punch line.
22246 He who laughs last didn't get the joke.
22248 He who laughs last hasn't been told the terrible truth.
22250 He who laughs last is probably your boss.
22252 He who laughs last probably doesn't understand the joke.
22254 He who laughs last usually had to have joke explained.
22256 He who Laughs, Lasts.
22258 He who lives without folly is less wise than he believes.
22260 He who loses, wins the race,
22261 And parallel lines meet in space.
22262 -- John Boyd, "Last Starship from Earth"
22264 He who makes a beast of himself gets rid of the pain of being a man.
22267 He who minds his own business is never unemployed.
22269 He who renders warfare fatal to all engaged in it will
22270 be the greatest benefactor the world has yet known.
22271 -- Sir Richard Burton
22273 He who slings mud generally loses ground.
22276 He who slings mud loses ground.
22279 He who spends a storm beneath a tree, takes life with a grain of TNT.
22281 He who steps on others to reach the top has good balance.
22283 He who walks on burning coals is sure to get burned.
22286 He who wonders discovers that this in itself is wonder.
22289 He who writes with no misspelled words has prevented a first suspicion
22290 on the limits of his scholarship or, in the social world, of his general
22291 education and culture.
22292 -- Julia Norton McCorkle
22294 HEAD CRASH!! FILES LOST!!
22297 Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
22299 Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying
22304 the absent minded sculptor who put his model to bed and
22305 started chiseling on his wife?
22308 the fellow who, upon being told by his shrewish wife that she
22309 would dance on his grave, promptly provided for a burial at sea?
22312 the female activist who went berserk during a demonstration and
22313 attacked a karate-trained cop with a deadly weapon. She ended
22314 up a chopped libber?
22317 the guru who refused Novocaine while having a tooth pulled because
22318 he wanted to transcend dental medication?
22321 the pessimistic historian whose latest book has chapter headings
22322 that read "World War One","World War Two" and "Watch This
22326 the wild office Christmas party in a completely automated
22327 company -- the photocopier got drunk and tried to undo the
22328 typewriter's ribbon?
22330 Hear about the Californian terrorist that tried to blow up a bus?
22331 Burned his lips on the exhaust pipe.
22333 Hear about the young Chinese woman who just won the lottery?
22334 One fortunate cookie...
22336 Hear me, my chiefs, I am tired; my heart is sick and sad.
22337 From where the sun now stands I Will Fight No More Forever.
22338 -- Chief Joseph of the Nez Perce
22340 Heard that the next Space Shuttle is supposed to carry several
22341 Guernsey cows? It's gonna be the herd shot 'round the world.
22343 Hearts will never be practical until they can be made unbreakable.
22344 -- Frank Morgan as The Wizard, "The Wizard of Oz"
22346 Heaven and earth were created all together in the same instant,
22347 on October 23rd, 4004 B.C. at nine o'clock in the morning.
22348 -- Dr. John Lightfoot,
22349 Vice-chancellor of Cambridge University
22352 A place where the wicked cease from troubling you with talk of
22353 their personal affairs, and the good listen with attention while you
22355 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
22357 Heavier than air flying machines are impossible.
22358 -- Lord Kelvin, President, Royal Society, c. 1895
22361 Seduced by the chocolate side of the force.
22363 Hedonist for hire... no job too easy!
22365 Heisenberg may have been here.
22367 Heisenberg may have slept here.
22369 Hell hath no fury like a bureaucrat scorned.
22372 Hell hath no limits, nor is circumscribed in one self place,
22373 for where we are is Hell, and where Hell is there must we ever be.
22374 -- Christopher Marlowe, "Doctor Faustus"
22376 Hell, if you don't try to remake someone,
22377 how are they supposed to know you care?
22379 Hell is empty and all the devils are here.
22380 -- William Shakespeare, "The Tempest"
22383 Truth seen too late.
22386 The first myth of management is that it exists.
22388 Johnson's Corollary:
22389 Nobody really knows what is going on anywhere within the
22392 Hello. Jim Rockford's machine, this is Larry Doheny's machine. Will you
22393 please have your master call my master at his convenience? Thank you.
22394 Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
22396 Hello, friend! You say things aren't going too well? You say you have a
22397 date with your favorite girl when it starts raining so hard you can't see?
22398 And you're out on some back road when the car stalls and won't start, so
22399 you set off across the fields, and 50 feet of barbed wire hits you right
22400 smack in the puss? And then there's a big explosion behind you and you
22401 don't hear your girl screaming any more?
22403 Well, take a walk in the sun and hold your head up high!
22404 You'll show the world; you'll tell them where to get off!
22405 You'll never give up, never give up, never give up -- that ship!
22408 -- Don Carpenter, quoting a Hollywood agent
22410 Hell's broken loose.
22413 Help! I'm trapped in a Chinese computer factory!
22415 Help! I'm trapped in a PDP 11/70!
22417 HELP! Man trapped in a human body!
22419 HELP! MY TYPEWRITER IS BROKEN!
22422 Help a swallow land at Capistrano.
22424 Help fight continental drift.
22426 HELP!!!! I'm being held prisoner in /usr/share/games/fortune!
22428 Help me, I'm a prisoner in a Fortune cookie file!
22430 Help stamp out and abolish redundancy!
22432 Help stamp out Mickey-Mouse computer interfaces -- Menus are for Restaurants!
22434 Hempstone's Question:
22435 If you have to travel on the Titanic, why not go first class?
22437 Her days were spent in a kind of slow bustle; always busy without
22438 getting on, always behind hand and lamenting it, without altering
22439 her ways; wishing to be an economist, without contrivance or
22440 regularity; dissatisfied with her servants, without skill to make
22441 them better, and whether helping, or reprimanding, or indulging
22442 them, without any power of engaging their respect.
22445 Her locks an ancient lady gave
22446 Her loving husband's life to save;
22447 And men -- they honored so the dame --
22448 Upon some stars bestowed her name.
22450 But to our modern married fair,
22451 Who'd give their lords to save their hair,
22452 No stellar recognition's given.
22453 There are not stars enough in heaven.
22455 Here at the Phone Company, we serve all kinds of people;
22456 from Presidents and Kings to the scum of the earth ...
22458 Here comes the orator, with his flood of words and his drop of reason.
22460 Here I am again right where I know I shouldn't be
22461 I've been caught inside this trap too many times
22462 I must've walked these steps and said these words a
22463 thousand times before
22464 It seems like I know everybody's lines.
22465 -- David Bromberg, "How Late'll You Play 'Til?"
22467 Here I am, fifty-eight, and I still don't know what I want to be when
22471 Here I sit, broken-hearted,
22472 All logged in, but work unstarted.
22473 First net.this and net.that,
22474 And a hot buttered bun for net.fat.
22476 The boss comes by, and I play the game,
22477 Then I turn back to net.flame.
22478 Is there a cure (I need your views),
22479 For someone trapped in net.news?
22481 I need your help, I say 'tween sobs,
22482 'Cause I'll soon be listed in net.jobs.
22484 Here in my heart, I am Helen;
22485 I'm Aspasia and Hero, at least.
22486 I'm Judith, and Jael, and Madame de Sta"
\bel;
22487 I'm Salome, moon of the East.
22489 Here in my soul I am Sappho;
22490 Lady Hamilton am I, as well.
22491 In me R'
\becamier vies with Kitty O'Shea,
22492 With Dido, and Eve, and poor nell.
22494 I'm all of the glamorous ladies
22495 At whose beckoning history shook.
22496 But you are a man, and see only my pan,
22497 So I stay at home with a book.
22500 Here is a simple experiment that will teach you an important electrical
22501 lesson: On a cool, dry day, scuff your feet along a carpet, then reach
22502 your hand into a friend's mouth and touch one of his dental fillings.
22503 Did you notice how your friend twitched violently and cried out in
22504 pain? This teaches us that electricity can be a very powerful force,
22505 but we must never use it to hurt others unless we need to learn an
22506 important electrical lesson.
22508 It also teaches us how an electrical circuit works. When you scuffed
22509 your feet, you picked up batches of "electrons", which are very small
22510 objects that carpet manufacturers weave into carpets so they will
22511 attract dirt. The electrons travel through your bloodstream and
22512 collect in your finger, where they form a spark that leaps to your
22513 friend's filling, then travels down to his feet and back into the
22514 carpet, thus completing the circuit.
22516 Amazing Electronic Fact: If you scuffed your feet long enough without
22517 touching anything, you would build up so many electrons that your
22518 finger would explode! But this is nothing to worry about unless you
22520 -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"
22522 Here is a test to find whether your mission on earth is finished:
22523 if you're alive, it isn't.
22525 HERE LIES LESTER MOORE
22526 SHOT 4 TIMES WITH A .44
22529 -- tombstone, in Tombstone, AZ
22531 Here lies my wife: her let her lie!
22532 Now she's at rest, and so am I.
22533 -- John Dryden, epitaph intended for his wife
22535 Here there by tygers.
22537 HERE'S A GOOD JOKE to do during an earthquake. Straddle a big crack in
22538 the earth and if it opens wider, go, "Whoa! Whoa!" and flap your arms
22539 around as if you're going to fall.
22540 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican", 1988.
22542 "Here's something to think about: How come you never see a headline
22543 like `Psychic Wins Lottery'?"
22547 He who turns the other cheek too far gets it in the neck.
22549 He's been like a father to me,
22550 He's the only DJ you can get after three,
22551 I'm an all-night musician in a rock and roll band,
22552 And why he don't like me I don't understand.
22557 He's got the heart of a little child,
22558 and he keeps it in a jar on his desk.
22560 "He's just a politician trying to save both his faces ..."
22562 He's just like Capistrano, always ready for a few swallows.
22564 He's like a function -- he returns a value, in the form of
22565 his opinion. It's up to you to cast it into a void or not.
22568 He's the kind of guy, that, well, if you were ever in a jam he'd be
22569 there ... with two slices of bread and some chunky peanut butter.
22571 "He's the kind of man for the times that need the kind of man he is ..."
22573 Heuristics are bug ridden by definition. If they didn't have bugs,
22574 then they'd be algorithms.
22576 Hewett's Observation:
22577 The rudeness of a bureaucrat is inversely proportional to his or
22578 her position in the governmental hierarchy and to the number of
22579 peers similarly engaged.
22581 "Hey! Who took the cork off my lunch??!"
22584 Hey, diddle, diddle the overflow pdl
22585 To get a little more stack;
22586 If that's not enough then you lose it all
22587 And have to pop all the way back.
22589 Hey, Jim, it's me, Susie Lillis from the laundromat. You said you were
22590 gonna call and it's been two weeks. What's wrong, you lose my number?
22592 HEY KIDS! ANN LANDERS SAYS:
22593 Be sure it's true, when you say "I love you". It's a sin to
22594 tell a lie. Millions of hearts have been broken, just because
22595 these words were spoken.
22597 "Hey, Sam, how about a loan?"
22600 "Whattaya got for collateral?"
22602 "How about an eye?"
22605 Hey, what do you expect from a culture that
22606 *drives* on *parkways* and *parks* on *driveways*?
22609 Hi! I'm Larry. This is my brother Bob, and this is my other brother
22610 Jimbo. We thought you might like to know the names of your assailants.
22612 Hi! You have reached 962-0129. None of us are here to answer the phone and
22613 the cat doesn't have opposing thumbs, so his messages are illegible. Please
22614 leave your name and message after the beep...
22616 Hi! How are things going?
22617 (just fine, thank you...)
22618 Great! Say, could I bother you for a question?
22619 (you just asked one...)
22620 Well, how about one more?
22621 (one more than the first one?)
22623 (you already asked that...)
22624 [at this point, Alphonso gets smart... ]
22625 May I ask two questions, sir?
22627 May I ask ONE then?
22629 Then may I ask, sir, how I may ask you a question?
22631 Sir, how may I ask you a question?
22632 (you must ask for retroactive question asking privileges for
22633 the number of questions you have asked, then ask for that
22634 number plus two, one for the current question, and one for the
22636 Sir, may I ask nine questions?
22637 (go right ahead...)
22639 Hi, I'm Preston A. Mantis, president of Consumers Retail Law Outlet. As
22640 you can see by my suit and the fact that I have all these books of equal
22641 height on the shelves behind me, I am a trained legal attorney. Do you have
22642 a car or a job? Do you ever walk around? If so, you probably have the
22643 makings of an excellent legal case. Although of course every case is
22644 different, I would definitely say that based on my experience and training,
22645 there's no reason why you shouldn't come out of this thing with at least a
22648 Remember, at the Preston A. Mantis Consumers Retail Law Outlet, our
22649 motto is: 'It is very difficult to disprove certain kinds of pain.'
22652 "Hi, I'm Preston A. Mantis, president of Consumers Retail Law Outlet.
22653 As you can see by my suit and the fact that I have all these books of
22654 equal height on the shelves behind me, I am a trained legal attorney.
22655 Do you have a car or a job? Do you ever walk around? If so, you
22656 probably have the makings of an excellent legal case. Although of
22657 course every case is different, I would definitely say that based on my
22658 experience and training, there's no reason why you shouldn't come out
22659 of this thing with at least a cabin cruiser.
22661 "Remember, at the Preston A. Mantis Consumers Retail Law Outlet, our
22662 motto is: `It is very difficult to disprove certain kinds of pain.'"
22663 -- Dave Barry, "Pain and Suffering"
22665 Hi Jimbo. Dennis. Really appreciate the help on the income tax.
22666 You wanna help on the audit now?
22668 Hi there! This is just a note from me, to you, to tell you, the person
22669 reading this note, that I can't think up any more famous quotes, jokes,
22670 nor bizarre stories, so you may as well go home.
22672 Hickery Dickery Dock,
22673 The mice ran up the clock,
22674 The clock struck one,
22675 The others escaped with minor injuries.
22677 Hideously disfigured by an ancient Indian curse?
22681 Call (511) 338-0959 for an immediate appointment.
22683 Hier liegt ein Mann ganz ohnegleich;
22684 Im Leibe dick, an Suenden reich.
22685 Wir haben ihn ins Grab gesteckt, Here lies a man with sundry flaws
22686 Weil es uns duenkt er sei verreckt. And numerous Sins upon his head;
22687 We buried him today because
22688 As far as we can tell, he's dead.
22689 -- PDQ Bach's epitaph, as requested by his cousin Betty
22690 Sue Bach and written by the local doggerel catcher;
22691 "The Definitive Biography of PDQ Bach", Peter
22694 Higgins: Doolittle, you're either an honest man or a rogue.
22695 Doolittle: A little of both, Guv'nor. Like the rest of us, a
22697 -- Shaw, "Pygmalion"
22701 Ruffled the critics by dropping this bomb:
22702 "Phooey on Freud and his Psychoanalysis --
22703 Oedipus, Shmoedipus, I just loved Mom."
22705 High heels are a device invented by a woman
22706 who was tired of being kissed on the forehead.
22708 High Priest: Armaments Chapter One, verses nine through twenty-seven:
22709 Bro. Maynard: And Saint Attila raised the Holy Hand Grenade up on high
22710 saying, "Oh Lord, Bless us this Holy Hand Grenade, and with it
22711 smash our enemies to tiny bits." And the Lord did grin, and the
22712 people did feast upon the lambs, and stoats, and orangutans, and
22713 breakfast cereals, and lima bean-
22714 High Priest: Skip a bit, brother.
22715 Bro. Maynard: And then the Lord spake, saying: "First, shalt thou take
22716 out the holy pin. Then shalt thou count to three. No more, no less.
22717 *Three* shall be the number of the counting, and the number of the
22718 counting shall be three. *Four* shalt thou not count, and neither
22719 count thou two, excepting that thou then goest on to three. Five is
22720 RIGHT OUT. Once the number three, being the third number be reached,
22721 then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade towards thy foe, who, being
22722 naughty in my sight, shall snuff it. Amen.
22724 -- Monty Python, "The Holy Hand Grenade"
22727 A California innovation composed
22728 of equal parts of silicon and marijuana.
22730 Higher education helps your earning capacity. Ask any college professor.
22732 Hildebrant's Principle:
22733 If you don't know where you are going,
22734 any road will get you there.
22736 Him: "Your skin is so soft. Are you a model?"
22737 Her: "No," [blush] "I'm a cosmetologist."
22738 Him: "Really? That's incredible...
22739 It must be very tough to handle weightlessness."
22742 Hindsight is always 20:20.
22745 Hindsight is an exact science.
22748 An animal (now extinct) which was half horse and half griffin.
22749 The griffin was itself a compound creature, half lion and half eagle.
22750 The hippogriff was actually, therefore, only one quarter eagle, which
22751 is two dollars and fifty cents in gold. The study of zoology is full
22753 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
22755 Hire the morally handicapped.
22757 His designs were strictly honourable, as the phrase is: that is, to rob
22758 a lady of her fortune by way of marriage.
22759 -- Henry Fielding, "Tom Jones"
22761 ...his disciples lead him in; he just does the rest.
22764 "His eyes were cold. As cold as the bitter winter snow that was falling
22765 outside. Yes, cold and therefore difficult to chew..."
22767 His followers called him Mahasamatman and said he was a god. He preferred
22768 to drop the Maha- and the -atman, however, and called himself Sam. He never
22769 claimed to be a god. But then, he never claimed not to be a god. Circum-
22770 stances being what they were, neither admission could be of any benefit.
22771 Silence, though, could. It was in the days of the rains that their prayers
22772 went up, not from the fingering of knotted prayer cords or the spinning of
22773 prayer wheels, but from the great pray-machine in the monastery of Ratri,
22774 goddess of the Night. The high-frequency prayers were directed upward through
22775 the atmosphere and out beyond it, passing into that golden cloud called the
22776 Bridge of the Gods, which circles the entire world, is seen as a bronze
22777 rainbow at night and is the place where the red sun becomes orange at midday.
22778 Some of the monks doubted the orthodoxy of this prayer technique...
22779 -- Roger Zelazny, "Lord of Light"
22781 "His great aim was to escape from civilization, and, as soon as he had
22782 money, he went to Southern California."
22784 His heart was yours from the first moment that you met.
22786 His ideas of first-aid stopped short of squirting soda water.
22789 His life was formal; his actions seemed ruled with a ruler.
22791 His mind is like a steel trap -- full of mice.
22794 His super power is to turn into a scotch terrier.
22796 Historians have now definitely established that Juan Cabrillo, discoverer
22797 of California, was not looking for Kansas, thus setting a precedent that
22798 continues to this day.
22801 History books which contain no lies are extremely dull.
22803 History has much to say on following the proper procedures. From a history
22804 of the Mexican revolution:
22806 "Hildago was later defeated at Guadalajara. The rebel army was
22807 captured on its way through the mountains. All were courtmartialed and
22808 shot, except Hildago, because he was a priest. He was handed over to
22809 the bishop of Durango who excommunicated him and returned him to the
22810 army where he was then executed."
22812 History has the relation to truth that theology has to religion --
22813 i.e. none to speak of.
22816 History is curious stuff
22817 You'd think by now we had enough
22818 Yet the fact remains I fear
22819 They make more of it every year.
22821 History is nothing but a collection of fables and useless trifles,
22822 cluttered up with a mass of unnecessary figures and proper names.
22825 History is on our side (as long as we can control the historians).
22827 History is the version of past events that people have decided to agree on.
22828 -- Napoleon Bonaparte, "Maxims"
22831 Papa Hegel he say that all we learn from history is that we
22832 learn nothing from history. I know people who can't even learn from
22833 what happened this morning. Hegel must have been taking the long
22835 -- Chad C. Mulligan, "The Hipcrime Vocab"
22837 History repeats itself. That's one thing wrong with history.
22839 History repeats itself -- the first time as a tragi-comedy, the second
22840 time as bedroom farce.
22842 History repeats itself only if one does not listen the first time.
22844 History shows that the human mind, fed by constant accessions of knowledge,
22845 periodically grows too large for its theoretical coverings, and bursts them
22846 asunder to appear in new habiliments, as the feeding and growing grub, at
22847 intervals, casts its too narrow skin and assumes another... Truly the imago
22848 state of Man seems to be terribly distant, but every moult is a step gained.
22849 -- Charles Darwin, from "Origin of the Species"
22851 Hit them biscuits with another touch of gravy,
22852 Burn that sausage just a match or two more done.
22853 Pour my black old coffee longer,
22854 While that smell is gettin' stronger
22855 A semi-meal ain't nuthin' much to want.
22857 Loan me ten, I got a feelin' it'll save me,
22858 With an ornery soul who don't shoot pool for fun,
22859 If that coat'll fit you're wearin',
22860 The Lord'll bless your sharin'
22861 A semi-friend ain't nuthin' much to want.
22863 And let me halfway fall in love,
22864 For part of a lonely night,
22865 With a semi-pretty woman in my arms.
22866 Yes, I could halfway fall in deep--
22867 Into a snugglin', lovin' heap,
22868 With a semi-pretty woman in my arms.
22871 Hitchcock's Staple Principle:
22872 The stapler runs out of staples
22873 only while you are trying to staple something.
22875 Hitler used methods against white men in Europe, which by tacit
22876 agreement between the cultural European nations were only to be
22877 used against the coloured.
22878 -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967)
22881 If you have a difficult task, give it to a lazy person -- they
22882 will find an easier way to do it.
22884 Hoaars-Faisse Gallery presents:
22885 An exhibit of works by the artist known only as Pretzel.
22887 The exhibit includes several large conceptual works using non-traditional
22888 media and found objects including old sofa-beds, used mace canisters,
22889 discarded sanitary napkins and parts of freeways. The artist explores
22890 our dehumanization due to high technology and unresponsive governmental
22891 structures in a post-industrial world. She/he (the artist prefers to
22892 remain without gender) strives to create dialogue between viewer and
22893 creator, to aid us in our quest to experience contemporary life with its
22894 inner-city tensions, homelessness, global warming and gender and
22895 class-based stress. The works are arranged to lead us to the essence of
22896 the argument: that the alienation of the person/machine boundary has
22897 sapped the strength of our voices and must be destroyed for society to
22898 exist in a more fundamental sense.
22900 Hoare's Law of Large Problems:
22901 Inside every large problem is a small problem struggling to get
22904 Hodie natus est radici frater.
22906 Hoffer's Discovery:
22907 The grand act of a dying institution is to issue a newly
22908 revised, enlarged edition of the policies and procedures manual.
22911 It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take
22912 Hofstadter's Law into account.
22914 HOGAN'S HEROES DRINKING GAME --
22915 Take a shot every time:
22917 -- Sergeant Schultz says, "I knoooooowww nooooothing!"
22918 -- General Burkhalter or Major Hochstetter intimidate/insult Colonel Klink.
22919 -- Colonel Klink falls for Colonel Hogan's flattery.
22920 -- One of the prisoners sneaks out of camp (one shot for each prisoner to go).
22921 -- Colonel Klink snaps to attention after answering the phone (two shots
22922 if it's one of our heroes on the other end).
22923 -- One of the Germans is threatened with being sent to the Russian front.
22924 -- Corporal Newkirk calls up a German in his phoney German accent, and
22925 tricks him (two shots if it's Colonel Klink).
22926 -- Hogan has a romantic interlude with a beautiful girl from the underground.
22927 -- Colonel Klink relates how he's never had an escape from Stalag 13.
22928 -- Sergeant Schultz gives up a secret (two shots if he's bribed with food).
22929 -- The prisoners listen to the Germans' conversation by a hidden transmitter.
22930 -- Sergeant Schultz "captures" one of the prisoners after an escape.
22931 -- Lebeau pronounces "colonel" as "cuh-loh-`nell".
22932 -- Carter builds some kind of device (two shots if it's not explosive).
22933 -- Lebeau wears his apron.
22934 -- Hogan says "We've got no choice" when the someone claims that the
22935 plan is impossible.
22936 -- The prisoners capture an important German, and sneak him out the tunnel.
22939 What thou doest when thy phone is on the fritzeth.
22941 Hollywood is where if you don't have happiness you send out for it.
22944 Holy Dilemma! Is this the end for the Caped Crusader and the Boy Wonder?
22945 Will the Joker and the Riddler have the last laugh?
22947 Tune in again tomorrow:
22948 same Bat-time, same Bat-channel!
22952 Home is the place where, when you have to go there,
22953 they have to take you in.
22954 -- Robert Frost, "The Death of the Hired Man"
22956 Home is where the hurt is.
22958 Home life as we understand it is no more natural to us than a
22959 cage is to a cockatoo.
22960 -- George Bernard Shaw
22962 Home of Doberman Propulsion Laboratories:
22963 The ultimate in watchdog weaponry.
22966 Home on the Range was originally written in beef-flat.
22968 "Home, Sweet Home" must surely have been written by a bachelor.
22971 Honesty is for the most part less profitable than dishonesty.
22974 Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense.
22976 Honesty pays, but it doesn't seem to pay enough to suit some people.
22979 Honesty's the best policy.
22980 -- Miguel de Cervantes
22983 A short period of doting between dating and debting.
22986 Honi soit la vache qui rit.
22988 Honk if you hate bumper stickers that say "Honk if ..."
22990 Honk if you love peace and quiet.
22993 Afflicted with an impediment in one's reach. In legislative
22994 bodies, it is customary to mention all members as honorable; as, "the
22995 honorable gentleman is a scurvy cur."
22996 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
22998 Hope is a good breakfast, but it is a bad supper.
23001 Hope is a waking dream.
23004 Hope not, lest ye be disappointed.
23007 Hope that the day after you die is a nice day.
23009 Hoping to goodness is not theologically sound.
23012 Horace's best ode would not please a young woman as much
23013 as the mediocre verses of the young man she is in love with.
23016 Horner's Five Thumb Postulate:
23017 Experience varies directly with equipment ruined.
23019 Horngren's Observation:
23020 Among economists, the real world is often a special case.
23022 Hors d'oeuvres -- a ham sandwich cut into forty pieces.
23025 Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on
23029 Horses are forbidden to eat fire hydrants in Marshalltown, Iowa.
23031 HOST SYSTEM NOT RESPONDING, PROBABLY DOWN. DO YOU WANT TO WAIT? (Y/N)
23033 HOST SYSTEM RESPONDING, PROBABLY UP...
23035 Hotels are tired of getting ripped off. I checked into a hotel and they
23036 had towels from my house.
23039 Houdini escaping from New Jersey!
23042 If you are out of cream for your coffee,
23043 mayonnaise makes a dandy substitute.
23045 Housework can kill you if done right.
23048 Houston, Tranquillity Base here. The Eagle has landed.
23051 How apt the poor are to be proud.
23052 -- William Shakespeare, "Twelfth-Night"
23054 How can you be in two places at once when you're not anywhere at all?
23056 How can you do "New Math" problems with an "Old Math" mind?
23059 How can you govern a nation which has 246 kinds of cheese?
23060 -- Charles de Gaulle
23062 How can you have any pudding if you don't eat your meat?
23065 How can you prove whether at this moment we are sleeping, and all our
23066 thoughts are a dream; or whether we are awake, and talking to one another
23067 in the waking state?
23070 How can you think and hit at the same time?
23073 How can you work when the system's so crowded?
23075 How come everyone's going so slow if it's called rush hour?
23077 How come financial advisors never seem to be as wealthy as they
23078 claim they'll make you?
23080 How come only your friends step on your new white sneakers?
23082 How come we never talk anymore?
23084 How come wrong numbers are never busy?
23086 How comes it to pass, then, that we appear such cowards
23087 in reasoning, and are so afraid to stand the test of ridicule?
23090 How could they think women a recreation?
23091 Or the repetition of bodies of steady interest?
23092 Only the ignorant or the busy could. That elm
23093 of flesh must prove a luxury of primes;
23094 be perilous and dear with rain of an alternate earth.
23095 Which is not to damn the forested China of touching.
23096 I am neither priestly nor tired, and the great knowledge
23097 of breasts with their loud nipples congregates in me.
23098 The sudden nakedness, the small ribs, the mouth.
23099 Splendid. Splendid. Splendid. Like Rome. Like loins.
23100 A glamour sufficient to our long marvelous dying.
23101 I say sufficient and speak with earned privilege,
23102 for my life has been eaten in that foliate city.
23103 To ambergris. But not for recreation.
23104 I would not have lost so much for recreation.
23106 Nor for love as the sweet pretend: the children's game
23107 of deliberate ignorance of each to allow the dreaming.
23108 Not for the impersonal belly nor the heart's drunkenness
23109 have I come this far, stubborn, disastrous way.
23110 But for relish of those archipelagoes of person.
23111 To hold her in hand, closed as any sparrow,
23112 and call and call forever till she turn from bird
23113 to blowing woods. From woods to jungle. Persimmon.
23114 To light. From light to princess. From princess to woman
23115 in all her fresh particularity of difference.
23116 Then oh, through the underwater time of night
23117 indecent and still, to speak to her without habit.
23118 This I have done with my life, and am content.
23119 I wish I could tell you how it is in that dark,
23120 standing in the huge singing and the alien world.
23121 -- Jack Gilbert, "Don Giovanni on his way to Hell"
23123 How do I love thee? My accumulator overflows.
23125 How do you explain school to a higher intelligence?
23128 "How do you know she is a unicorn?" Molly demanded. "And why were you afraid
23129 to let her touch you? I saw you. You were afraid of her."
23130 "I doubt that I will feel like talking for very long," the cat
23131 replied without rancor. "I would not waste time in foolishness if I were
23132 you. As to your first question, no cat out of its first fur can ever be
23133 deceived by appearances. Unlike human beings, who enjoy them. As for your
23134 second question --" Here he faltered, and suddenly became very interested
23135 in washing; nor would he speak until he had licked himself fluffy and then
23136 licked himself smooth again. Even then he would not look at Molly, but
23137 examined his claws.
23138 "If she had touched me," he said very softly, "I would have been
23139 hers and not my own, not ever again."
23140 -- Peter S. Beagle, "The Last Unicorn"
23142 How doth the little crocodile
23143 Improve his shining tail,
23144 And pour the waters of the Nile
23145 On every golden scale!
23147 How cheerfully he seems to grin,
23148 How neatly spreads his claws,
23149 And welcomes little fishes in,
23150 With gently smiling jaws!
23151 -- Lewis Carroll, "Alice in Wonderland"
23153 How doth the VAX's C compiler
23154 Improve its object code.
23155 And even as we speak does it
23156 Increase the system load.
23158 How patiently it seems to run
23159 And spit out error flags,
23160 While users, with frustration, all
23161 Tear their clothes to rags.
23163 How doth the VAX's C-compiler
23164 Improve its object code.
23165 And even as we speak does it
23166 Increase the system load.
23168 How patiently it seems to run
23169 And spit out error flags,
23170 While users, with frustration, all
23171 Tear all their clothes to rags.
23173 How is the world ruled, and how do wars start? Diplomats tell lies to
23174 journalists, and they believe what they read.
23175 -- Karl Kraus, "Aphorisms and More Aphorisms"
23177 How kind of you to be willing to live someone's life for them.
23179 How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you're
23182 How many "coming men" has one known! Where on earth do they all go to?
23183 -- Sir Arthur Wing Pinero
23185 How many hardware engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
23186 None: "We'll fix it in software."
23188 How many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
23189 None: "We'll document it in the manual."
23191 How many tech writers does it take to change a lightbulb?
23192 None: "The user can work it out."
23194 How many hors d'oeuvres you are allowed to take off a tray being carried by
23195 a waiter at a nice party?
23196 Two, but there are ways around it, depending on the style of the hors
23197 d'oeuvre. If they're those little pastry things where you can't tell what's
23198 inside, you take one, bite off about two-thirds of it, then say: "This is
23199 cheese! I hate cheese!" Then you put the rest of it back on the tray and
23200 bite another one and go, "Darn it! Another cheese!" and so on.
23203 "How many hors d'oeuvres you are allowed to take off a tray being
23204 carried by a waiter at a nice party?"
23206 Two, but there are ways around it, depending on the style of the hors
23207 d'oeuvre. If they're those little pastry things where you can't tell
23208 what's inside, you take one, bite off about two-thirds of it, then
23209 say: "This is cheese! I hate cheese!" Then you put the rest of it
23210 back on the tray and bite another one and go, "Darn it! Another
23211 cheese!" and so on.
23212 -- Dave Barry, "The Stuff of Etiquette"
23214 How many priests are needed for a Boston Mass?
23216 How many weeks are there in a light year?
23218 How much does it cost to entice a dope-smoking UNIX system guru to
23220 -- Brian Boyle, UNIX/WORLD's First Annual Salary Survey
23222 How much does she love you?
23223 Less than you'll ever know.
23225 How much for your women? I want to buy your
23226 daughter... how much for the little girl?
23227 -- Jake Blues, "The Blues Brothers"
23229 How much net work could a network work, if a network could net work?
23231 How much of their influence on you is a result of your influence on them?
23233 How often I found where I should be going
23234 only by setting out for somewhere else.
23235 -- R. Buckminster Fuller
23237 How sharper than a hound's tooth it is to have a thankless serpent.
23239 How sharper than a serpent's tooth is a sister's "See?"
23242 How to become a sysop:
23243 I grew a beard, started wearing only t-shirts and jeans, and
23244 developed a surly attitude. The group accepted me, and I've
23245 never worked a full day in my life since then.
23248 How to Raise Your I.Q. by Eating Gifted Children
23249 -- Book title by Lewis B. Frumkes
23251 How untasteful can you get?
23253 How wonderful opera would be if there were no singers.
23255 HOW YOU CAN TELL THAT IT'S GOING TO BE A ROTTEN DAY:
23256 #1040 Your income tax refund cheque bounces.
23258 HOW YOU CAN TELL THAT IT'S GOING TO BE A ROTTEN DAY:
23259 #15 Your pet rock snaps at you.
23261 HOW YOU CAN TELL THAT IT'S GOING TO BE A ROTTEN DAY:
23262 #32: You call your answering service and they've never heard of
23265 How you look depends on where you go.
23268 Everyone has a scheme that will not work.
23270 However, never daunted, I will cope with adversity in my traditional
23271 manner ... sulking and nausea.
23274 However, on religious issues there can be little or no compromise. There
23275 is no position on which people are so immovable as their religious beliefs.
23276 There is no more powerful ally one can claim in a debate than Jesus Christ,
23277 or God, or Allah, or whatever one calls this supreme being. But like any
23278 powerful weapon, the use of God's name on one's behalf should be used
23279 sparingly. The religious factions that are growing throughout our land are
23280 not using their religious clout with wisdom. They are trying to force
23281 government leaders into following their position 100 percent. If you disagree
23282 with these religious groups on a particular moral issue, they complain, they
23283 threaten you with a loss of money or votes or both. I'm frankly sick and
23284 tired of the political preachers across this country telling me as a citizen
23285 that if I want to be a moral person, I must believe in "A," "B," "C," and
23286 "D." Just who do they think they are? And from where do they presume to
23287 claim the right to dictate their moral beliefs to me? And I am even more
23288 angry as a legislator who must endure the threats of every religious group
23289 who thinks it has some God-granted right to control my vote on every roll
23290 call in the Senate. I am warning them today: I will fight them every step
23291 of the way if they try to dictate their moral convictions to all Americans
23292 in the name of "conservatism."
23293 -- Senator Barry Goldwater, Congressional Record
23295 HR 3128. Omnibus Budget Reconciliation, Fiscal 1986. Martin, R-Ill.,
23296 motion that the House recede from its disagreement to the Senate
23297 amendment making changes in the bill to reduce fiscal 1986 deficits.
23298 The Senate amendment was an amendment to the House amendment to the
23299 Senate amendment to the House amendment to the Senate amendment to the
23300 bill. The original Senate amendment was the conference agreement on
23301 the bill. Agreed to.
23302 -- Albuquerque Journal
23305 Don't take life too seriously;
23306 you won't get out of it alive.
23308 Hug me now, you mad, impetuous fool!!
23310 I'm a computer, and you're a person. It would never work out.
23315 Human beings were created by water to transport it uphill.
23317 Human cardiac catheterization was introduced by Werner Forssman in 1929.
23318 Ignoring his department chief, and tying his assistant to an operating
23319 table to prevent her interference, he placed a urethral catheter into
23320 a vein in his arm, advanced it to the right atrium [of his heart], and
23321 walked upstairs to the x-ray department where he took the confirmatory
23322 x-ray film. In 1956, Dr. Forssman was awarded the Nobel Prize.
23324 Human cardiac catheterization was introduced by Werner Forssman in
23325 1929. Ignoring his department chief, and tying his assistant to an
23326 operating table to prevent his interference, he placed a urethral
23327 catheter into a vein in his arm, advanced it to the right atrium [of
23328 his heart], and walked upstairs to the x-ray department where he took
23329 the confirmatory x-ray film. In 1956, Dr. Forssman was awarded the
23332 Human kind cannot bear very much reality.
23333 -- T. S. Eliot, "Four Quartets: Burnt Norton"
23335 Human resources are human first, and resources second.
23338 Humanity has advanced, when it has advanced, not because it has been sober,
23339 responsible, and cautious, but because it has been playful, rebellious, and
23343 Humans are communications junkies. We just can't get enough.
23346 Humility is the first of the virtues -- for other people.
23347 -- Oliver Wendell Holmes
23349 Hummingbirds never remember the words to songs.
23351 Humor is a drug which it's the fashion to abuse.
23354 Humorists always sit at the children's table.
23357 "Humpf!" Humpfed a voice! "For almost two days you've run wild and insisted on
23358 chatting with persons who've never existed. Such carryings-on in our peaceable
23359 jungle! We've had quite enough of you bellowing bungle! And I'm here to
23360 state," snapped the big kangaroo, "That your silly nonsensical game is all
23361 through!" And the young kangaroo in her pouch said, "Me, too!"
23362 "With the help of the Wickersham Brothers and dozens of Wickersham
23363 Uncles and Wickersham Cousins and Wickersham In-Laws, whose help I've engaged,
23364 You're going to be roped! And you're going to be caged! And, as for your
23365 dust speck... Hah! That we shall boil in a hot steaming kettle of Beezle-But
23367 -- Dr. Seuss, "Horton Hears a Who"
23369 Humpty Dumpty sat on the wall,
23370 Humpty Dumpty had a great fall!
23371 All the king's horses,
23372 And all the king's men,
23373 Had scrambled eggs for breakfast again!
23375 Humpty Dumpty was pushed.
23377 Hurewitz's Memory Principle:
23378 The chance of forgetting something is directly proportional
23379 to ..... to ........ uh ..............
23382 The best way to make a silk purse from a sow's ear is to begin
23383 with a silk sow. The same is true of money.
23385 If today were half as good as tomorrow is supposed to be, it would
23386 probably be twice as good as yesterday was.
23388 There are no lazy veteran lion hunters.
23390 If you can afford to advertise, you don't need to.
23392 One-tenth of the participants produce over one-third of the output.
23393 Increasing the number of participants merely reduces the average
23395 -- Norman Augustine
23397 I accept chaos. I am not sure whether it accepts me. I know some people
23398 are terrified of the bomb. But then some people are terrified to be seen
23399 carrying a modern screen magazine. Experience teaches us that silence
23400 terrifies people the most.
23403 I acted to show my love for Jodie Foster.
23406 I ain't got no quarrel with them Viet Congs.
23409 I allow the world to live as it chooses,
23410 and I allow myself to live as I choose.
23412 I also believe that academic freedom should protect the right of a professor
23413 or student to advocate Marxism, socialism, communism, or any other minority
23414 viewpoint -- no matter how distasteful to the majority.
23417 What are our schools for if not indoctrination against Communism?
23420 I always choose my friends for their good looks and my enemies for their
23421 good intellects. Man cannot be too careful in his choice of enemies.
23422 -- Oscar Wilde, "The Picture of Dorian Gray"
23424 I always had a repulsive need to be something more than human.
23427 I always pass on good advice. It is the only thing to do with it.
23428 It is never any good to oneself.
23429 -- Oscar Wilde, "An Ideal Husband"
23431 I always say beauty is only sin deep.
23432 -- H. H. Munro, a.k.a Saki, "Reginald's Choir Treat"
23434 I always turn to the sports pages first, which record people's
23435 accomplishments. The front page has nothing but man's failures.
23436 -- Chief Justice Earl Warren
23438 I always wake up at the crack of ice.
23441 I always will remember -- I was in no mood to trifle;
23442 'Twas a year ago November -- I got down my trusty rifle
23443 I went out to shoot some deer And went out to stalk my prey --
23444 On a morning bright and clear. What a haul I made that day!
23445 I went and shot the maximum I tied them to my bumper and
23446 The game laws would allow: I drove them home somehow,
23447 Two game wardens, seven hunters, Two game wardens, seven hunters,
23448 And a cow. And a cow.
23450 The Law was very firm, it People ask me how I do it
23451 Took away my permit-- And I say, "There's nothin' to it!
23452 The worst punishment I ever endured. You just stand there lookin' cute,
23453 It turns out there was a reason: And when something moves, you shoot."
23454 Cows were out of season, and And there's ten stuffed heads
23455 One of the hunters wasn't insured. In my trophy room right now:
23456 Two game wardens, seven hunters,
23457 And a pure-bred gurnsey cow.
23458 -- Tom Lehrer, "The Hunting Song"
23460 I am a bookaholic. If you are a decent
23461 person, you will not sell me another book.
23464 I am dumber than any human and smarter than any administrator.
23466 I am a conscientious man, when I throw
23467 rocks at seabirds I leave no tern unstoned.
23468 -- Ogden Nash, "Everybody's Mind to Me a Kingdom Is"
23470 I am a deeply superficial person.
23473 I am a friend of the working man, and I would rather be his friend
23477 I am a man: nothing human is alien to me.
23478 -- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence)
23480 I am a PC technician - however, this has unfortunately caused my
23481 computer to be running Win98.
23482 -- seen on a FreeBSD mailing-list
23484 I am America's child, a spastic slogging on demented
23485 limbs drooling I'll trade my PhD for a telephone voice.
23486 -- Burt Lanier Safford III, "An Obscured Radiance"
23488 I am an optimist. It does not seem too much use being anything else.
23489 -- Winston Churchill
23491 I am changing my name to Chrysler
23492 I am going down to Washington, D.C.
23493 I will tell some power broker
23494 What they did for Iacocca
23495 Will be perfectly acceptable to me!
23497 I am changing my name to Chrysler,
23498 I am heading for that great receiving line.
23499 When they hand a million grand out,
23500 I'll be standing with my hand out,
23501 Yessir, I'll get mine!
23503 "I am convinced that the manufacturers of carpet odor removing powder
23504 have included encapsulated time released cat urine in their products.
23505 This technology must be what prevented its distribution during my mom's
23506 reign. My carpet smells like piss, and I don't have a cat. Better go
23508 -- timw@zeb.USWest.COM
23510 I am convinced that the truest act of courage is to sacrifice ourselves
23511 for others in a totally nonviolent struggle for justice. To be a man
23512 is to suffer for others.
23515 I am fairly unrepentant about her poetry. I really think that three
23516 quarters of it is gibberish. However, I must crush down these thoughts
23517 otherwise the dove of peace will shit on me.
23518 -- Noel Coward on Edith Sitwell
23520 I am firm. You are obstinate. He is a pig-headed fool.
23521 -- Katharine Whitehorn
23523 I am getting into abstract painting. Real abstract -- no brush, no canvas,
23524 I just think about it. I just went to an art museum where all of the art
23525 was done by children. All the paintings were hung on refrigerators.
23528 I am, in point of fact, a particularly haughty and exclusive person,
23529 of pre-Adamite ancestral descent. You will understand this when I tell
23530 you that I can trace my ancestry back to a protoplasmal primordial
23531 atomic globule. Consequently, my family pride is something
23532 inconceivable. I can't help it. I was born sneering.
23533 -- Pooh-Bah, "The Mikado", Gilbert & Sullivan
23535 I am just a nice, clean-cut Mongolian boy.
23536 -- Yul Brynner, 1956
23538 I am looking for a honest man.
23539 -- Diogenes the Cynic
23541 I am more bored than you could ever possibly be. Go back to work.
23548 I am not a politician and my other habits are also good.
23551 I am not afraid of tomorrow, for I have seen yesterday and I love today.
23552 -- William Allen White
23554 "I am not an Economist. I am an honest man!"
23557 "I am not now, and never have been, a girlfriend of Henry Kissinger."
23560 I am not now, nor have I ever been, a member of the demigodic party.
23561 -- Dennis M. Ritchie
23563 "I am not sure what this is, but an `F' would only dignify it."
23564 -- English Professor
23566 I am of the belief that catnip arrived on the planet in the same spaceship
23567 that delivered cats. It is the only thing they have from their home
23568 planet. Tuna, chicken, sparrow-brains, etc., these are all things of our
23569 world that they like, but catnip is crack from home.
23572 I am professionally trained in computer science, which is to say
23573 (in all seriousness) that I am extremely poorly educated.
23574 -- Joseph Weizenbaum, "Computer Power and Human Reason"
23576 I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the
23577 great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.
23578 -- Winston Churchill
23580 I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone
23581 has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top.
23582 -- Professor Lowd, English, Ohio University
23584 I am so optimistic about beef prices that I've just leased a pot roast
23585 with an option to buy.
23587 "I am the mother of all things, and all things should wear a sweater."
23589 I am the wandering glitch -- catch me if you can.
23591 I am two fools, I know, for loving, and for saying so.
23594 I am two with nature.
23597 I am very fond of the company of ladies. I like their beauty,
23598 I like their delicacy, I like their vivacity, and I like their silence.
23601 "I appreciate the fact that this draft was done in haste, but some of
23602 the sentences that you are sending out in the world to do your work for
23603 you are loitering in taverns or asleep beside the highway."
23604 -- Dr. Dwight Van de Vate, Professor of Philosophy,
23605 University of Tennessee at Knoxville
23607 "I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an
23608 argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and
23609 steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect,
23610 they don't even invite me."
23613 I asked the engineer who designed the communication terminal's keyboards
23614 why these were not manufactured in a central facility, in view of the
23615 small number needed [1 per month] in his factory. He explained that this
23616 would be contrary to the political concept of local self-sufficiency.
23617 Therefore, each factory needing keyboards, no matter how few, manufactures
23618 them completely, even molding the keypads.
23619 -- Isaac Auerbach, IEEE "Computer", Nov. 1979
23621 I attribute my success to intelligence, guts, determination, honesty,
23622 ambition, and having enough money to buy people with those qualities.
23630 I base my fashion taste on what doesn't itch.
23633 I began many years ago, as so many young men do, in searching for the
23634 perfect woman. I believed that if I looked long enough, and hard enough,
23635 I would find her and then I would be secure for life. Well, the years
23636 and romances came and went, and I eventually ended up settling for someone
23637 a lot less than my idea of perfection. But one day, after many years
23638 together, I lay there on our bed recovering from a slight illness. My
23639 wife was sitting on a chair next to the bed, humming softly and watching
23640 the late afternoon sun filtering through the trees. The only sounds to
23641 be heard elsewhere were the clock ticking, the kettle downstairs starting
23642 to boil, and an occasional schoolchild passing beneath our window. And
23643 as I looked up into my wife's now wrinkled face, but still warm and
23644 twinkling eyes, I realized something about perfection... It comes only
23646 -- James L. Collymore, "Perfect Woman"
23648 I believe a little incompatibility is the spice of life,
23649 particularly if he has income and she is pattable.
23652 I believe in an America where the separation of church and state is absolute
23653 -- where no Catholic prelate would tell the president (should he be Catholic)
23654 how to act, and no Protestant minister would tell his parishioners for whom
23655 to vote -- where no church or church school is granted any public funds or
23656 political preference -- and where no man is denied public office merely
23657 because his religion differs from the president who might appoint him or
23658 the people who might elect him.
23661 "I believe in getting into hot water; it keeps you clean."
23662 -- G. K. Chesterton
23664 I believe in sex and death -- two experiences that come once in a lifetime.
23667 I believe that professional wrestling is clean
23668 and everything else in the world is fixed.
23669 -- Frank Deford, sports writer
23671 I believe that the moment is near when by a procedure of active paranoiac
23672 thought, it will be possible to systematize confusion and contribute to the
23673 total discrediting of the world of reality.
23676 "I belong to no organized party. I am a Democrat."
23679 "I bet the human brain is a kludge."
23682 I BET WHAT HAPPENED was they discovered fire and invented the wheel on
23683 the same day. Then that night, they burned the wheel.
23684 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican", 1988.
23686 I BET WHEN NEANDERTHAL KIDS would make a snowman, someone would always
23687 end up saying, "Don't forget the thick heavy brows." Then they would get
23688 embarrassed because they remembered they had the big hunky brows too, and
23689 they'd get mad and eat the snowman.
23690 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican", 1988.
23692 I bet you have fun chasing the soap around the bathtub.
23693 -- Princess Diana, to a one-armed war veteran during
23694 a visit to a London veterans hospital
23696 I bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house.
23699 I brake for chezlogs!
23701 I braved the contempt of my friends last week and ventured out to see
23702 Bambi, the Disney rerelease that is proving to be a hit once again in the
23703 box office. I was looking forward to a gentle, soothing, late afternoon
23704 relief from the Washington Summer. Instead I was traumatized. As a
23705 psycho-sexual return to the horrors of early adolescence, it couldn't be
23706 more effective. For the first half-hour, you're lulled into an agreeable
23707 sense of security and comfort. Birds twitter; small rabbits turn out to
23708 be great conversationalists. Pop is what Senator Moynihan would describe
23709 as an absent father, but Mom's there to make you feel OK in the odd
23710 thunderstorm. You make great friends, fool around on the ice, discover
23711 the meadow, generally mellow out. Then, without any particular warning,
23712 your mom gets shot, your voice breaks, huge growths start appearing on
23713 your head, and your peers start heading off into the clover with the
23714 apparent intention of having sex. Next thing you know, the forest burns
23715 down. If I were still eight, I think I'd prefer Rambo III.
23718 I call them as I see them. If I can't see them, I make them up.
23721 I called my parents the other night, but I forgot about the time difference.
23722 They're still living in the fifties.
23725 I came, I saw, I deleted all your files.
23727 I came out of twelve years of college and I didn't even know how to sew.
23728 All I could do was account -- I couldn't even account for myself.
23729 -- Firesign Theatre
23731 I came to MIT to get an education for myself and a diploma for my mother.
23733 I can feel for her because, although I have never been an Alaskan
23734 prostitute dancing on the bar in a spangled dress, I still get very
23735 bored with washing and ironing and dishwashing and cooking day after
23739 I can give you my word, but I know what it's worth and you don't.
23740 -- Nero Wolfe, "Over My Dead Body"
23742 I can hire one half of the working class to kill the other half.
23745 I can mend the break of day, heal a broken heart,
23746 and provide temporary relief to nymphomaniacs.
23749 I can read your mind, and you should be ashamed of yourself.
23751 I can relate to that.
23753 "I can remember when a good politician had to be 75 percent ability and
23754 25 percent actor, but I can well see the day when the reverse could be
23758 I can resist anything but temptation.
23760 I can see him a'comin'
23761 With his big boots on,
23762 With his big thumb out,
23763 He wants to get me.
23764 He wants to hurt me.
23765 He wants to bring me down.
23766 But some time later,
23767 When I feel a little straighter,
23768 I'll come across a stranger
23769 Who'll remind me of the danger,
23770 And then.... I'll run him over.
23771 Pretty smart on my part!
23772 To find my way... In the dark!
23775 I can write better than anybody who can write faster,
23776 and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.
23779 I cannot and will not cut my conscience to fit this year's fashions.
23782 I cannot believe that God plays dice with the cosmos.
23783 -- Albert Einstein, on the randomness of quantum mechanics
23785 I cannot conceive that anybody will require multiplications at the rate
23786 of 40,000 or even 4,000 per hour ...
23787 -- F. H. Wales (1936)
23789 I cannot draw a cart, nor eat dried oats;
23790 If it be man's work I will do it.
23792 I cannot overemphasize the importance of good grammar.
23794 What a crock. I could easily overemphasize the importance of good
23795 grammar. For example, I could say: "Bad grammar is the leading cause
23796 of slow, painful death in North America," or "Without good grammar, the
23797 United States would have lost World War II."
23798 -- Dave Barry, "An Utterly Absurd Look at Grammar"
23800 I can't believe that out of 100,000 sperm, you were the quickest.
23803 "I can't complain, but sometimes I still do."
23806 "I can't decide whether to commit suicide or go bowling."
23807 -- Florence Henderson
23809 I can't die until the government finds a safe place to bury my liver.
23812 I Can't Get Over You, So I Get Up and Go Around to the Other Side
23813 If You Won't Leave Me Alone, I'll Find Someone Who Will
23814 I Knew That You'd Committed a Sin When You Came Home Late With
23815 Your Socks Outside-in
23816 I'm a Rabbit in the Headlights of Your Love
23817 Don't Kick My Tires If You Ain't Gonna Take Me For a Ride
23818 I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well
23819 I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better
23820 I've Got Red Eyes From Your White Lies and I'm Blue All the Time
23821 -- proposed Country-Western song titles from "Wordplay"
23823 I can't mate in captivity.
23824 -- Gloria Steinem, on why she has never married
23826 I can't seem to bring myself to say, "Well, I guess I'll be toddling along."
23827 It isn't that I can't toddle. It's that I can't guess I'll toddle.
23830 I can't stand squealers; hit that guy.
23831 -- Albert Anastasia
23833 I can't stand this proliferation of paperwork. It's useless to fight the
23834 forms. You've got to kill the people producing them.
23835 -- Vladimir Kabaidze, general director of the Ivanovo Machine
23836 Building Works (near Moscow) in a speech to the Communist
23839 I can't understand it. I can't even understand the people who can
23841 -- Queen Juliana of the Netherlands
23843 I can't understand why a person will take a year or two to write a
23844 novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars.
23847 I can't understand why people are frightened of new ideas.
23848 I'm frightened of the old ones.
23851 "I changed my headlights the other day. I put in strobe lights
23852 instead! Now when I drive at night, it looks like everyone else is
23853 standing still ..."
23856 I collect rare photographs... I have two... One of Houdini locking his
23857 keys in his car... the other is a rare picture of Norman Rockwell beating
23861 I come from a small town whose population never changed. Each time
23862 a woman got pregnant, someone left town.
23863 -- Michael Prichard
23865 I consider a new device or technology to have been
23866 culturally accepted when it has been used to commit a murder.
23869 I consider the day misspent that I am not
23870 either charged with a crime, or arrested for one.
23871 -- "Ratsy" Tourbillon
23873 I could dance till the cows come home. On second thought, I'd rather
23874 dance with the cows till you come home.
23877 I could never learn to like her --
23878 except on a raft at sea with no other provisions in sight.
23881 I couldn't possibly fail to disagree with you less.
23883 "I couldn't remember when I had been so disappointed. Except perhaps
23884 the time I found out that M&Ms really *do* melt in your hand ..."
23887 I despise the pleasure of pleasing people whom I despise.
23889 I didn't believe in reincarnation in any of my other lives. I don't see why
23890 I should have to believe in it in this one.
23893 I didn't do it! Nobody saw me do it! Can't prove anything!
23896 I didn't get sophisticated -- I just got tired.
23897 But maybe that's what sophisticated is -- being tired.
23900 I didn't know he was dead; I thought he was British.
23902 "I didn't know it was impossible when I did it."
23904 I didn't like the play, but I saw it under adverse conditions. The
23907 "I didn't order any WOO-WOO... Maybe a YUBBA... But no WOO-WOO!"
23908 -- Zippy the Pinhead
23910 I disagree with what you say, but will defend
23911 to the death your right to tell such LIES!
23913 I distrust a close-mouthed man. He generally picks the wrong time to talk
23914 and says the wrong things. Talking's something you can't do judiciously,
23915 unless you keep in practice. Now, sir, we'll talk if you like. I'll tell
23916 you right out, I'm a man who likes talking to a man who likes to talk.
23917 -- Sidney Greenstreet, "The Maltese Falcon"
23919 I distrust a man who says when. If he's got to be careful not to drink
23920 too much, it's because he's not to be trusted when he does.
23921 -- Sidney Greenstreet, "The Maltese Falcon"
23923 I do desire we may be better strangers.
23924 -- William Shakespeare, "As You Like It"
23926 I do enjoy a good long walk -- especially when my wife takes one.
23928 I do hate sums. There is no greater mistake than to call arithmetic an
23929 exact science. There are permutations and aberrations discernible to
23930 minds entirely noble like mine; subtle variations which ordinary
23931 accountants fail to discover; hidden laws of number which it requires a
23932 mind like mine to perceive. For instance, if you add a sum from the
23933 bottom up, and then again from the top down, the result is always
23935 -- Mrs. La Touche (19th cent.)
23937 I do not believe in the creed professed by the Jewish Church, by the Roman
23938 Church, by the Greek Church, by the Turkish Church, by the Protestant Church,
23939 nor by any Church that I know of. My own mind is my own Church.
23942 I do not care if half the league strikes. Those who do will encounter
23943 quick retribution. All will be suspended, and I don't care if it wrecks
23944 the National League for five years. This is the United States of America
23945 and one citizen has as much right to play as another.
23946 -- Ford Frick, National League President, reacting to a
23947 threatened strike by some Cardinal players in 1947 if
23948 Jackie Robinson took the field against St. Louis. The
23949 Cardinals backed down and played.
23951 "I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them."
23954 "I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us
23955 with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forego their use."
23958 "I do not know myself, and God forbid that I should."
23959 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
23961 I do not know where to find in any literature, whether ancient or modern,
23962 any adequate account of that nature with which I am acquainted. Mythology
23963 comes nearest to it of any.
23964 -- Henry David Thoreau
23966 I do not know whether I was then a man dreaming I was a
23967 butterfly, or whether I am now a butterfly dreaming I am a man.
23970 I do not remember ever having seen a sustained argument by an author which,
23971 starting from philosophical premises likely to meet with general acceptance,
23972 reached the conclusion that a praiseworthy ordering of one's life is to
23973 devote it to research in mathematics.
23974 -- Sir Edmund Whittaker, "Scientific American", Vol. 183
23976 I do not seek the ignorant; the ignorant seek me -- I will instruct them.
23977 I ask nothing but sincerity. If they come out of habit, they become
23981 I do not take drugs -- I am drugs.
23984 "I don't believe in astrology. But then I'm an Aquarius, and Aquarians
23985 don't believe in astrology."
23986 -- James R. F. Quirk
23988 I don't believe in astrology. But then I'm an
23989 Aquarius, and Aquarians don't believe in astrology.
23992 I don't believe there really IS a GAS SHORTAGE.. I think it's all just
23993 a BIG HOAX on the part of the plastic sign salesmen -- to sell more
23996 I don't care for the Sugar Smacks commercial. I don't like the idea of
23997 a frog jumping on my Breakfast.
23998 -- Lowell, Chicago Reader 10/15/82
24000 I don't care how poor and inefficient a little country is; they like to
24001 run their own business. I know men that would make my wife a better
24002 husband than I am; but, darn it, I'm not going to give her to 'em.
24003 -- The Best of Will Rogers
24005 I don't care what star you're following, get that camel off my front lawn!
24006 -- Heard in Bethlehem
24008 I don't care where I sit as long as I get fed.
24011 I don't care who does the electing as long as I get to do the
24015 I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't
24016 deserve that either.
24019 I don't do it for the money.
24020 -- Donald Trump, Art of the Deal
24022 I don't drink, I don't like it, it makes me feel too good.
24025 I don't even butter my bread. I consider that cooking.
24026 -- Katherine Cebrian
24028 I don't get no respect.
24030 I don't have an eating problem. I eat.
24031 I get fat. I buy new clothes. No problem.
24033 "I don't have any solution but I certainly admire the problem."
24034 -- Ashleigh Brilliant
24036 I don't have any use for bodyguards, but I do have a specific use for two
24037 highly trained certified public accountants.
24040 "I don't have to take this abuse from you -- I've got hundreds of
24041 people waiting to abuse me."
24042 -- Bill Murray, "Ghostbusters"
24044 I don't kill flies, but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them above
24045 globes. They freak out and yell "Whooa, I'm *way* too high."
24048 I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to.
24051 I don't know what Descartes' got,
24052 But booze can do what Kant cannot.
24055 I don't know who my grandfather was; I am much
24056 more concerned to know what his grandson will be.
24059 I don't know why anyone would want a computer in their home.
24060 -- Ken Olsen, president of DEC, 1974
24062 I don't know why we're here, I say we all go home and free associate.
24064 "I don't like spinach, and I'm glad I don't, because if I liked it I'd
24065 eat it, and I just hate it."
24068 I don't like the Dutchman. He's a crocodile. He's sneaky.
24070 -- Jack "Legs" Diamond, just before a peace conference
24071 with Dutch Schultz.
24073 I don't trust Legs. He's nuts. He gets excited and starts pulling a
24074 trigger like another guy wipes his nose.
24075 -- Dutch Schultz, just before a peace conference with
24078 I don't make the rules, Gil, I only play the game.
24081 I don't mind arguing with myself.
24082 It's when I lose that it bothers me.
24085 "I don't mind going nowhere as long as it's an interesting path."
24088 I don't mind what Congress does, as long as they don't do it in the
24089 streets and frighten the horses.
24092 I don't need no arms around me...
24093 I don't need no drugs to calm me...
24094 I have seen the writing on the wall.
24095 Don't think I need anything at all.
24096 No! Don't think I need anything at all!
24097 All in all, it was all just bricks in the wall.
24098 All in all, it was all just bricks in the wall.
24099 -- Pink Floyd, "Another Brick in the Wall", Part III
24101 "I don't object to sex before marriage, but two minutes before?!?"
24103 I don't remember it, but I have it written down.
24105 I don't see what's wrong with giving Bobby a little experience before
24106 he starts to practice law.
24107 -- John F. Kennedy, upon appointing his brother
24110 I DON'T THINK I'M ALONE when I say I'd like to see more and more planets
24111 fall under the ruthless domination of our solar system.
24112 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican", 1988.
24114 "I don't think so," said Ren'
\be Descartes. Just then, he vanished.
24116 I don't think they are going to give a shit about the Republican
24117 Committee trying to bug the Democratic Committee's headquarters.
24118 -- Richard Nixon, 1972
24120 "I don't think they could put him in a mental hospital. On the other
24121 hand, if he were already in, I don't think they'd let him out."
24123 "I don't understand," said the scientist, "why you lemmings all rush down
24124 to the sea and drown yourselves."
24126 "How curious," said the lemming. "The one thing I don't understand is why
24127 you human beings don't."
24130 I don't understand you anymore.
24132 I don't wanna argue, and I don't wanna fight,
24133 But there will definitely be a party tonight...
24135 I don't want a pickle,
24136 I just wanna ride on my motorcycle.
24137 And I don't want to die,
24138 I just want to ride on my motorcycle.
24141 I don't want people to love me. It makes for obligations.
24144 I don't want to achieve immortality through my work.
24145 I want to achieve immortality through not dying.
24148 I don't want to alarm anybody, but there is an excellent chance that
24149 the Earth will be destroyed in the next several days. Congress is
24150 thinking about eliminating a federal program under which scientists
24151 broadcast signals to alien beings. This would be a large mistake.
24152 Alien beings have nuclear blaster death cannons. You cannot cut off
24153 their federal programs as if they were merely poor people ...
24154 -- Dave Barry, "THE ALIENS ARE COMING, THE ALIENS ARE
24157 I don't want to bore you, but there's nobody else around for me to bore.
24159 I don't want to live on in my work, I want to live on in my apartment.
24162 I don't wish to appear overly inquisitive, but are you still alive?
24164 I dote on his very absence.
24165 -- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"
24167 I doubt, therefore I might be.
24169 "I dread success. To have succeeded is to have finished one's business
24170 on earth, like the male spider, who is killed by the female the moment
24171 he has succeeded in his courtship. I like a state of continual
24172 becoming, with a goal in front and not behind."
24173 -- George Bernard Shaw
24175 "I drink to make other people interesting."
24176 -- George Jean Nathan
24178 I either want less decadence or more chance to participate in it.
24180 I enjoy the time that we spend together.
24182 I exist, therefore I am paid.
24184 I fear explanations explanatory of things explained.
24186 I feel sorry for your brain... all alone in that great big head...
24188 I fell asleep reading a dull book, and I dreamt that I was reading on,
24189 so I woke up from sheer boredom.
24191 I figure that if God actually does exist, He's big enough to understand an
24192 honest difference of opinion.
24195 I finally went to the eye doctor. I got contacts.
24196 I only need them to read, so I got flip-ups.
24199 I find this corpse guilty of carrying a concealed weapon and I fine it $40.
24200 -- Judge Roy Bean, finding a pistol and $40 on a man he'd
24203 I for one cannot protest the recent M.T.A. fare hike and the
24204 accompanying promises that this would in no way improve service. For
24205 the transit system, as it now operates, has hidden advantages that
24206 can't be measured in monetary terms.
24208 Personally, I feel that it is well worth 75 cents or even $1 to have
24209 that unimpeachable excuse whenever I am late to anything: "I came by
24210 subway." Those four words have such magic in them that if Godot should
24211 someday show up and mumble them, any audience would instantly
24212 understand his long delay.
24214 "I found out why my car was humming. It had forgotten the words."
24216 I found Rome a city of bricks and left it a city of marble.
24219 "I gained nothing at all from Supreme Enlightenment, and for that very
24220 reason it is called Supreme Enlightenment."
24223 I gave my love an Apple, that had no core;
24224 I gave my love a building, that had no floor;
24225 I wrote my love a program, that had no end;
24226 I gave my love an upgrade, with no cryin'.
24228 How can there be an Apple, that has no core?
24229 How can there be a building, that has no floor?
24230 How can there be a program, that has no end?
24231 How can there be an upgrade, with no cryin'?
24233 An Apple's MOS memory don't use no core!
24234 A building that's perfect, it has no flaw!
24235 A program with GOTOs, it has no end!
24236 I lied about the upgrade, with no cryin'!
24238 I gave up Smoking, Drinking and Sex. It was the most *__________
\b\b\b\b\b\b\b\b\b\bhorrifying* 20
24239 minutes of my life!
24241 I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it.
24244 I get my exercise acting as pallbearer to my friends who exercise.
24247 I get up each morning, gather my wits.
24248 Pick up the paper, read the obits.
24249 If I'm not there I know I'm not dead.
24250 So I eat a good breakfast and go back to bed.
24252 Oh, how do I know my youth is all spent?
24253 My get-up-and-go has got-up-and-went.
24254 But in spite of it all, I'm able to grin,
24255 And think of the places my get-up has been.
24258 I give you the man who -- the man who -- uh, I forgets the man who?
24259 -- Beauregard Bugleboy
24261 I go on working for the same reason a hen goes on laying eggs.
24264 "I got into an elevator at work and this man followed in after me... I
24265 pushed '1' and he just stood there... I said 'Hi, where you going?' He
24266 said, 'Phoenix.' So I pushed Phoenix. A few seconds later the doors
24267 opened, two tumbleweeds blew in... we were in downtown Phoenix. I looked
24268 at him and said 'You know, you're the kind of guy I want to hang around
24269 with.' We got into his car and drove out to his shack in the desert.
24270 Then the phone rang. He said 'You get it.' I picked it up and said
24271 'Hello?'... the other side said 'Is this Steven Wright?'... I said 'Yes...'
24272 The guy said 'Hi, I'm Mr. Jones, the student loan director from your bank...
24273 It seems you have missed your last 17 payments, and the university you
24274 attended said that they received none of the $17,000 we loaned you... we
24275 would just like to know what happened to the money?' I said, 'Mr. Jones,
24276 I'll give it to you straight. I gave all of the money to my friend Slick,
24277 and with it he built a nuclear weapon... and I would appreciate it you never
24281 I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now
24282 when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer and
24283 farther, trying to see it clearly)... and says, "Here, you can go."
24286 I got the bill for my surgery. Now I know what those doctors were
24290 I got this powdered water -- now I don't know what to add.
24293 I got tired of listening to the recording on the phone at the movie
24294 theater. So I bought the album. I got kicked out of a theater the
24295 other day for bringing my own food in. I argued that the concession
24296 stand prices were outrageous. Besides, I hadn't had a barbecue in a
24297 long time. I went to the theater and the sign said adults $5 children
24298 $2.50. I told them I wanted 2 boys and a girl. I once took a cab to
24299 a drive-in movie. The movie cost me $95.
24302 I got vision, and the rest of the world wears bifocals.
24305 I GUESS I KINDA LOST CONTROL because in the middle of the play I ran up
24306 and lit the evil puppet villain on fire.
24308 No, I didn't. Just kidding. I just said that to illustrate one of the
24309 human emotions which is freaking out. Another emotion is greed, as when
24310 you kill someone for money or something like that. Another emotion is
24311 generosity, as when you pay someone double what he paid for his stupid
24313 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican", 1988.
24315 I GUESS I'LL NEVER FORGET HER. And maybe I don't want to. Her spirit
24316 was wild, like a wild monkey. Her beauty was like a beautiful horse
24317 being ridden by a wild monkey. I forget her other qualities.
24318 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican", 1988.
24320 I guess I've been so wrapped up in playing the game that I never took
24321 time enough to figure out where the goal line was -- what it meant to
24322 win -- or even how you won.
24325 I guess I've been wrong all my life, but so have billions of
24326 other people... Certainty is just an emotion.
24329 I GUESS OF ALL MY UNCLES, I liked Uncle Caveman the best. We called him
24330 Uncle Caveman because he lived in a cave and because sometimes he'd eat
24331 one of us. Later, we found out he was a bear.
24332 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican", 1988.
24334 I guess the Little League is even littler than we thought.
24337 I GUESS WE WERE ALL GUILTY, in a way. We shot him, we skinned him, and
24338 we all got a complimentary bumper sticker that said, "I helped skin Bob."
24339 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican", 1988.
24341 I had a dream last night...
24342 I dreamt about 1976.
24343 I dreamt about a country with incurable brain damage...
24344 I even dreamt they gave it a heart transplant.
24345 Then I woke up and I knew it was only a nightmare...
24346 so I went back to sleep again.
24347 -- Ralph Steadman, "Fear and Loathing '72"
24349 I had a feeling once about mathematics -- that I saw it all. Depth beyond
24350 depth was revealed to me -- the Byss and the Abyss. I saw -- as one might
24351 see the transit of Venus or even the Lord Mayor's Show -- a quantity passing
24352 through infinity and changing its sign from plus to minus. I saw exactly
24353 why it happened and why tergiversation was inevitable -- but it was after
24354 dinner and I let it go.
24355 -- Winston Churchill
24357 I had a virgin once. I had to go to Guatemala for her. She was blind
24358 in one eye, and she had a stuffed alligator that said, "Welcome to Miami
24362 I had another dream the other day about government financial management
24363 people. They were small and rodent-like with padlocked ears, as if they
24364 had stepped out of a painting by Goya.
24366 I had another dream the other day about music critics. They were small
24367 and rodent-like with padlocked ears, as if they had stepped out of a
24371 I had never been too political, but I knew how white people treated black
24372 people and it was hard for me to come back to the bullshit white people
24373 put a black person through in this country. To realize you don't have any
24374 power to make things different is a bitch.
24377 I had no shoes and I pitied myself. Then I met a man who had no feet,
24378 so I took his shoes.
24381 I had the rare misfortune of being one of the first people to try and
24382 implement a PL/1 compiler.
24385 I had to censor everything my sons watched ... even on the Mary Tyler
24386 Moore show I heard the word "damn"!
24389 "I had to hit him -- he was starting to make sense."
24391 I hate babies. They're so human.
24397 "I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day cause that means
24398 it's going to be up all night."
24401 I hate mankind, for I think myself one of the best of them,
24402 and I know how bad I am.
24405 "I hate quotations."
24406 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
24408 I hate small towns because once you've seen the cannon in the park
24409 there's nothing else to do.
24412 I hate trolls. Maybe I could metamorph it into something else -- like a
24413 ravenous, two-headed, fire-breathing dragon.
24416 I have a box of telephone rings under my bed. Whenever I get lonely, I
24417 open it up a little bit, and I get a phone call. One day I dropped the
24418 box all over the floor. The phone wouldn't stop ringing. I had to get
24419 it disconnected. So I got a new phone. I didn't have much money, so I
24420 had to get an irregular. It doesn't have a five. I ran into a friend
24421 of mine on the street the other day. He said why don't you give me a
24422 call. I told him I can't call everybody I want to anymore, my phone
24423 doesn't have a five. He asked how long had it been that way. I said I
24424 didn't know -- my calendar doesn't have any sevens.
24427 I have a dog; I named him Stay. So when I'd go to call him, I'd say, "Here,
24428 Stay, here..." but he got wise to that. Now when I call him he ignores me
24429 and just keeps on typing.
24432 I have a dream. I have a dream that one day, on the red hills of Georgia,
24433 the sons of former slaves and the sons of former slaveowners will be able to
24434 sit down together at the table of brotherhood.
24435 -- Martin Luther King, Jr.
24437 I have a friend whose a billionaire. He invented Cliff's notes. When
24438 I asked him how he got such a great idea he said, "Well first I...
24439 I just... to make a long story short..."
24442 I have a hard time being attracted to anyone who can beat me up.
24443 -- John McGrath, Atlanta sportswriter, on women weightlifters
24445 I have a hobby. I have the world's largest collection of sea shells.
24446 I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen
24450 I have a little shadow that goes in and out with me,
24451 And what can be the use of him is more than I can see.
24452 He is very, very like me from the heels up to the head;
24453 And I see him jump before me, when I jump into my bed.
24455 The funniest thing about him is the way he likes to grow--
24456 Not at all like proper children, which is always very slow;
24457 For he sometimes shoots up taller, like an india-rubber ball,
24458 And he sometimes gets so little that there's none of him at all.
24459 -- Robert Louis Stevenson
24461 I have a map of the United States. It's actual size.
24462 I spent last summer folding it.
24463 People ask me where I live, and I say, "E6".
24466 I have a rock garden. Last week three of them died.
24469 I have a simple philosophy:
24473 Scratch where it itches.
24476 I have a switch in my apartment that doesn't do anything. Every once
24477 in a while I turn it on and off. On and off. On and off. One day I
24478 got a call from a woman in France who said "Cut it out!"
24481 I have a terrible headache, I was putting on toilet water and the lid fell.
24483 I have a theory that it's impossible to prove anything,
24484 but I can't prove it.
24486 "I have a very firm grasp on reality! I can reach out and strangle it
24489 I have a very small mind and must live with it.
24490 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
24492 I have a very strange feeling about this...
24495 "I have accepted Provolone into my life!"
24496 -- Zippy the Pinhead
24498 I have already given two cousins to the war and I stand ready to
24499 sacrifice my wife's brother.
24502 I have always noticed that whenever a radical takes
24503 to Imperialism, he catches it in a very acute form.
24504 -- Winston Churchill, 1903
24506 I have an existential map. It has "You are here" written all over it.
24509 I have become me without my consent.
24511 I have come up with a sure-fire concept for a hit television show,
24512 which would be called `A Live Celebrity Gets Eaten by a Shark'.
24515 "I have come up with a sure-fire concept for a hit television show,
24516 which would be called `A Live Celebrity Gets Eaten by a Shark'."
24517 -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV"
24519 I have defined the hundred per cent American as ninety-nine per
24521 -- George Bernard Shaw
24523 I have discovered that all human evil comes from this, man's being unable
24524 to sit still in a room.
24527 I have discovered the art of deceiving diplomats. I tell them the truth
24528 and they never believe me.
24529 -- Camillo Di Cavour
24531 I have found it impossible to carry the heavy burden of responsibility and
24532 to discharge my duties as king as I would wish to do without the help and
24533 support of the woman I love.
24534 -- Edward, Duke of Windsor, 1936, announcing his abdication
24535 of the British throne in order to marry the American
24536 divorcee Wallis Warfield Simpson.
24538 I have found little that is good about human beings. In my experience
24539 most of them are trash.
24542 I have gained this by philosophy:
24543 that I do without being commanded what others
24544 do only from fear of the law.
24547 I have given two cousins to war and I stand ready to sacrifice my
24551 I have great faith in fools -- self confidence my friends call it.
24554 I have had my television aerials removed. It's the moral equivalent
24555 of a prostate operation.
24556 -- Malcolm Muggeridge
24558 I have hardly ever known a mathematician who was capable of reasoning.
24561 I have just had eighteen whiskeys in a row.
24562 I do believe that is a record.
24563 -- Dylan Thomas, his last words
24565 I have just read your lousy review buried in the back pages. You
24566 sound like a frustrated old man who never made a success, an
24567 eight-ulcer man on a four-ulcer job, and all four ulcers working. I
24568 have never met you, but if I do you'll need a new nose and plenty of
24569 beefsteak and perhaps a supporter below. Westbrook Pegler, a
24570 guttersnipe, is a gentleman compared to you. You can take that as more
24571 of an insult than as a reflection on your ancestry.
24574 I have learned silence from the talkative,
24575 toleration from the intolerant, and kindness from the unkind.
24579 To spell hors d'oeuvres
24580 Which still grates on
24581 Some people's n'oeuvres.
24584 I have lots of things in my pockets;
24585 None of them is worth anything.
24586 Sociopolitical whines aside,
24587 Gan you give me, gratis, free,
24588 The price of half a gallon
24590 And most of the bus fare home.
24592 "I have made mistakes but I have never made the mistake of claiming
24593 that I have never made one."
24594 -- James Gordon Bennett
24596 "I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to
24600 I have more hit points that you can possible imagine.
24602 I have more humility in my little finger than you have in your whole BODY!
24605 I have more humility in my little finger than you have in your whole
24607 -- from "Cerebus" #82
24609 I have never been one to sacrifice
24610 my appetite on the altar of appearance.
24611 -- A. M. Readyhough
24613 I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.
24616 I have never seen anything fill up a vacuum so fast and still suck.
24619 Steve Jobs said two years ago that X is brain-damaged and it will be
24620 gone in two years. He was half right.
24621 -- Dennis M. Ritchie
24623 Dennis Ritchie is twice as bright as Steve Jobs, and only half wrong.
24626 I have never understood this liking for war. It panders to instincts
24627 already catered for within the scope of any respectable domestic
24631 I have no doubt that it is a part of the destiny of the human race,
24632 in its gradual improvement, to leave off eating animals.
24635 I have no doubt the Devil grins,
24636 As seas of ink I spatter.
24637 Ye gods, forgive my "literary" sins--
24638 The other kind don't matter.
24639 -- Robert W. Service
24641 I have no right, by anything I do or say, to demean a human being in his
24642 own eyes. What matters is not what I think of him; it is what he thinks
24643 of himself. To undermine a man's self-respect is a sin.
24644 -- Antoine de Saint-Exupery
24646 I have not yet begun to byte!
24648 I have nothing but utter contempt for the courts of this land.
24651 I have now come to the conclusion never again to think of marrying,
24652 and for this reason: I can never be satisfied with anyone who would
24653 be blockhead enough to have me.
24656 I have often looked at women and committed adultery in my heart.
24659 I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.
24662 I have sacrificed time, health, and fortune, in the desire to complete these
24663 Calculating Engines. I have also declined several offers of great personal
24664 advantage to myself. But, notwithstanding the sacrifice of these advantages
24665 for the purpose of maturing an engine of almost intellectual power, and
24666 after expending from my own private fortune a larger sum than the government
24667 of England has spent on that machine, the execution of which it only
24668 commenced, I have received neither an acknowledgement of my labors, nor even
24669 the offer of those honors or rewards which are allowed to fall within the
24670 reach of men who devote themselves to purely scientific investigations...
24671 If the work upon which I have bestowed so much time and thought were
24672 a mere triumph over mechanical difficulties, or simply curious, or if the
24673 execution of such engines were of doubtful practicability or utility, some
24674 justification might be found for the course which has been taken; but I
24675 venture to assert that no mathematician who has a reputation to lose will
24676 ever publicly express an opinion that such a machine would be useless if
24677 made, and that no man distinguished as a civil engineer will venture to
24678 declare the construction of such machinery impracticable...
24679 And at a period when the progress of physical science is obstructed
24680 by that exhausting intellectual and manual labor, indispensable for its
24681 advancement, which it is the object of the Analytical Engine to relieve, I
24682 think the application of machinery in aid of the most complicated and abstruse
24683 calculations can no longer be deemed unworthy of the attention of the country.
24684 In fact, there is no reason why mental as well as bodily labor should not
24685 be economized by the aid of machinery.
24686 -- Charles Babbage, "The Life of a Philosopher"
24688 I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.
24689 -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
24691 I have seen the Great Pretender and he is not what he seems.
24693 I have that old biological urge,
24694 I have that old irresistible surge,
24697 "I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best."
24700 "I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it
24701 scattered around the beaches of the world ... Perhaps you've seen it.
24704 "I have to convince you, or at least snow you ..."
24705 -- Prof. Romas Aleliunas, CS 435
24707 I have to think hard to name an interesting man who does not drink.
24710 I have travelled the length and breadth of this country, and have talked with
24711 the best people in business administration. I can assure you on the highest
24712 authority that data processing is a fad and won't last out the year.
24713 -- Editor in charge of business books at Prentice-Hall
24714 publishers, responding to Karl V. Karlstrom (a junior
24715 editor who had recommended a manuscript on the new
24716 science of data processing), c. 1957
24718 "I have two very rare photographs: one is a picture of Houdini locking
24719 his keys in his car; the other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell
24720 beating up a child."
24723 I have ways of making money that you know nothing of.
24724 -- John D. Rockefeller
24726 I have yet to see any problem, however complicated, which, when looked
24727 at in the right way, did not become still more complicated.
24730 "I haven't lost my mind -- it's backed up on tape somewhere."
24732 "I haven't lost my mind; I know exactly where I left it."
24734 I hear the sound that the machines make,
24735 and feel my heart break, just for a moment.
24737 I hear what you're saying but I just don't care.
24739 I heard a definition of an intellectual, that I thought was very
24740 interesting: a man who takes more words than are necessary to tell
24741 more than he knows.
24742 -- Dwight D. Eisenhower
24744 I hold it, that a little rebellion, now and then, is a good thing...
24745 -- Thomas Jefferson
24747 I hold your hand in mine, dear, I press it to my lips,
24748 I take a healthy bite from your dainty fingertips,
24749 My joy would be complete, dear, if you were only here,
24750 But still I keep your hand as a precious souvenir.
24752 The night you died I cut it off, I really don't know why,
24753 For now each time I kiss it I get bloodstains on my tie,
24754 I'm sorry now I killed you, our love was something fine,
24755 So until they come to get me I will hold your hand in mine.
24757 -- Tom Lehrer, "I Hold Your Hand In Mine"
24759 I hope you're not pretending to be evil while
24760 secretly being good. That would be dishonest.
24762 I just asked myself... what would John DeLorean do?
24765 I just ate a whole package of Sweet Tarts and a can of Coke.
24769 I just forgot my whole philosophy of life!!!
24771 I just got off the phone with Sonny Barger [President of the Hell's Angels].
24772 He wants me to appear as a character witness for him at his murder trial
24773 and said he'd be glad to appear as a character witness on my behalf if I
24774 ever needed one. Needless to say, I readily agreed.
24775 -- Thomas King Forcade, publisher of "High Times"
24777 I just got out of the hospital after a
24778 speed reading accident. I hit a bookmark.
24781 I just know I'm a better manager when I have Joe DiMaggio in center field.
24784 "I just need enough to tide me over until I need more."
24787 "I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes."
24788 "Did you ever see a doctor?"
24791 I kissed my first girl and smoked my first cigarette on the same day.
24792 I haven't had time for tobacco since.
24793 -- Arturo Toscanini
24795 I knew her before she was a virgin.
24796 -- Oscar Levant, on Doris Day
24798 I *knew* I had some reason for not logging you off...
24799 If I could just remember what it was.
24801 I knew one thing: as soon as anyone said you didn't need a gun, you'd better
24802 take one along that worked.
24803 -- Raymond Chandler
24805 I know if you been talkin' you done said
24806 just how surprised you wuz by the living dead.
24807 You wuz surprised that they could understand you words
24808 and never respond once to all the truth they heard.
24809 But don't you get square!
24810 There ain't no rule that says they got to care.
24811 They can always swear they're deaf, dumb and blind.
24813 I know it all. I just can't remember it all at once.
24815 I know not how I came into this,
24816 shall I call it a dying life or a living death?
24819 "I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World
24820 War IV will be fought with sticks and stones."
24823 I know on which side my bread is buttered.
24826 "I know the answer! The answer lies within the heart of all mankind!
24827 The answer is twelve? I think I'm in the wrong building."
24830 I know the disposition of women: when you will, they won't; when
24831 you won't, they set their hearts upon you of their own inclination.
24832 -- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence)
24834 I know what "custody" [of the children] means. "Get even." That's all
24835 custody means. Get even with your old lady.
24838 "I know what you're thinking -- `Did he fire six shots or only five?'
24839 Well, to tell you the truth, in all the excitement, I kind of lost track
24840 myself. But being this is a .44 Magnum, the most powerful handgun in the
24841 world, and would blow your head clean off, you've got to ask yourself
24842 one question: `Do I feel lucky?' Well, do you, punk?"
24843 -- Harry Callahan, badge #2211
24845 I know you believe you understand what you think this fortune says,
24846 but I'm not sure you realize that what you are reading is not what
24849 I know you think you thought you knew what you thought I said,
24850 but I'm not sure you understood what you thought I meant.
24852 I know you're in search of yourself, I just haven't seen you anywhere.
24854 I lately lost a preposition;
24855 It hid, I thought, beneath my chair
24856 And angrily I cried, "Perdition!
24857 Up from out of under there."
24859 Correctness is my vade mecum,
24860 And straggling phrases I abhor,
24861 And yet I wondered, "What should he come
24862 Up from out of under for?"
24865 I lay my head on the railroad tracks,
24866 Waitin' for the double E.
24867 The railroad don't run no more.
24868 Poor poor pitiful me. [chorus]
24869 Poor poor pitiful me, poor poor pitiful me.
24870 These young girls won't let me be,
24871 Lord have mercy on me!
24874 Well, I met a girl, West Hollywood,
24875 Well, I ain't naming names.
24876 But she really worked me over good,
24877 She was just like Jesse James.
24878 She really worked me over good,
24879 She was a credit to her gender.
24880 She put me through some changes, boy,
24881 Sort of like a Waring blender. [chorus]
24883 I met a girl at the Rainbow Bar,
24884 She asked me if I'd beat her.
24885 She took me back to the Hyatt House,
24886 I don't want to talk about it. [chorus]
24887 -- Warren Zevon, "Poor Poor Pitiful Me"
24889 I learned to play guitar just to get the girls, and anyone who says they
24890 didn't is just lyin'!
24893 "I like being single. I'm always there when I need me."
24896 I like myself, but I won't say I'm as handsome as the bull
24897 that kidnapped Europa.
24898 -- Marcus Tullius Cicero
24900 I like to believe that people in the long run are going to do more to
24901 promote peace than our governments. Indeed, I think that people want
24902 peace so much that one of these days governments had better get out of
24903 the way and let them have it.
24904 -- Dwight D. Eisenhower
24906 "I like work ... I can sit and watch it for hours."
24908 I like work; it fascinates me; I can sit and look at it for hours.
24910 I like young girls. Their stories are shorter.
24913 "I like your game but we have to change the rules."
24915 I live the way I type; fast, with a lot of mistakes.
24917 I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts
24918 to bite people themselves.
24919 -- August Strindberg
24921 I look at life as being cruise director on the Titanic.
24922 I may not get there, but I'm going first class.
24925 I love being married. It's so great to find that one special
24926 person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
24929 I love children. Especially when they cry -- for then
24930 someone takes them away.
24933 I love dogs, but I hate Chihuahuas. A Chihuahua isn't a dog.
24934 It's a rat with a thyroid problem.
24936 I love mankind ... It's people I hate.
24939 I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I've ever known.
24942 "I love Saturday morning cartoons, what classic humour! This is what
24943 entertainment is all about ... Idiots, explosives and falling anvils."
24944 -- Calvin and Hobbes, Bill Watterson
24946 I love the smell of napalm in the morning.
24947 -- Robert Duval, "Apocalypse Now"
24949 "I love to eat them Smurfies
24950 Smurfies what I love to eat
24951 Bite they ugly heads off,
24952 Nibble on they bluish feet."
24954 I love treason but hate a traitor.
24955 -- Gaius Julius Caesar
24957 I love you more than anything in this world. I don't expect that will last.
24960 I love you, not only for what you are,
24961 but for what I am when I am with you.
24964 I loved her with a love thirsty and desperate. I felt that we two might
24965 commit some act so atrocious that the world, seeing us, would find it
24967 -- Gene Wolfe, "The Shadow of the Torturer"
24969 I married beneath me. All women do.
24970 -- Lady Nancy Astor
24972 "I may appear to be just sitting here like a bucket of tapioca, but
24973 don't let appearances fool you. I'm approaching old age ... at the
24975 -- Prof. Cosmo Fishhawk
24977 I may be getting older, but I refuse to grow up!
24979 I may kid around about drugs, but really, I take them seriously.
24982 "I may not be totally perfect, but parts of me are excellent."
24983 -- Ashleigh Brilliant
24985 I met a wonderful new man. He's fictional, but you can't have everything.
24986 -- Cecelia, "The Purple Rose of Cairo"
24988 I met him in a swamp down in Dagobah
24989 Where it bubbles all the time like a giant cabinet soda
24991 I saw the little runt sitting there on a log
24992 I asked him his name and in a raspy voice he said Yoda
24993 Y-O-D-A Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda
24995 Well I've been around but I ain't never seen
24996 A guy who looks like a Muppet but he's wrinkled and green
24997 Oh my Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda
24998 Well I'm not dumb but I can't understand
24999 How he can raise me in the air just by raising his hand
25000 Oh my Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda
25001 -- The STAR WARS Song, to "Lola", by the Kinks
25003 I met my latest girl friend in a department store. She was looking at
25004 clothes, and I was putting Slinkys on the escalators.
25007 I might have gone to West Point, but I was too proud to speak to a
25011 I must Create a System, or be enslav'd by another Man's;
25012 I will not Reason and Compare; my business is to Create.
25013 -- William Blake, "Jerusalem"
25015 I must get out of these wet clothes and into a dry Martini.
25016 -- Alexander Woollcott
25018 "I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a
25019 week sometimes to make it up."
25020 -- Mark Twain, "The Innocents Abroad"
25022 I must have slipped a disk -- my pack hurts!
25024 I myself have dreamed up a structure intermediate between Dyson spheres
25025 and planets. Build a ring 93 million miles in radius -- one Earth orbit
25026 -- around the sun. If we have the mass of Jupiter to work with, and if
25027 we make it a thousand miles wide, we get a thickness of about a thousand
25030 And it has advantages. The Ringworld will be much sturdier than a Dyson
25031 sphere. We can spin it on its axis for gravity. A rotation speed of 770
25032 m/s will give us a gravity of one Earth normal. We wouldn't even need to
25033 roof it over. Place walls one thousand miles high at each edge, facing the
25034 sun. Very little air will leak over the edges.
25036 Lord knows the thing is roomy enough. With three million times the surface
25037 area of the Earth, it will be some time before anyone complains of the
25039 -- Larry Niven, "Ringworld"
25041 I need another lawyer like I need another hole in my head.
25044 I needed the good will of the legislature of four states. I formed the
25045 legislative bodies with my own money. I found that it was cheaper that
25049 I never cheated an honest man, only rascals. They wanted
25050 something for nothing. I gave them nothing for something.
25051 -- Joseph "Yellow Kid" Weil
25053 I never deny, I never contradict. I sometimes forget.
25054 -- Benjamin Disraeli, British PM, on dealing with the
25057 I never did it that way before.
25059 I never expected to see the day when girls would get sunburned in the
25060 places they do today.
25063 I never failed to convince an audience that the best thing they
25064 could do was to go away.
25066 I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception.
25069 I never killed a man that didn't deserve it.
25072 I never loved another person the way I loved myself.
25075 I never made a mistake in my life.
25076 I thought I did once, but I was wrong.
25079 I never met a man I didn't want to fight.
25080 -- Lyle Alzado, professional football lineman
25082 "I never met a piece of chocolate I didn't like."
25084 I never pray before meals -- my mom's a good cook.
25086 I never said all Democrats were saloonkeepers;
25087 what I said was all saloonkeepers were Democrats.
25089 I never saw a purple cow
25090 I never hope to see one
25091 But I can tell you anyhow
25092 I'd rather see than be one.
25095 I've never seen a purple cow
25096 I never hope to see one
25097 But from the milk we're getting now
25098 There certainly must be one
25101 Ah, yes, I wrote "The Purple Cow"
25102 I'm sorry now I wrote it
25103 But I can tell you anyhow
25104 I'll kill you if you quote it.
25105 -- Gellett Burgess, many years later
25107 I never take work home with me; I always leave it in some bar along the way.
25109 I never vote for anyone. I always vote against.
25112 I often quote myself; it adds spice to my conversation.
25113 -- George Bernard Shaw
25115 I only know what I read in the papers.
25118 "I only touch base with reality on an as-needed basis!"
25119 -- Royal Floyd Mengot (Klaus)
25121 I opened the drawer of my little desk and a single letter fell out, a
25122 letter from my mother, written in pencil, one of her last, with unfinished
25123 words and an implicit sense of her departure. It's so curious: one can
25124 resist tears and "behave" very well in the hardest hours of grief. But
25125 then someone makes you a friendly sign behind a window... or one notices
25126 that a flower that was in bud only yesterday has suddenly blossomed... or
25127 a letter slips from a drawer... and everything collapses.
25128 -- Letters From Colette
25131 It's off to work I go...
25133 I owe the government $3400 in taxes. So I sent them two hammers and a
25137 I owe the public nothing.
25140 I place economy among the first and most important virtues, and public debt as
25141 the greatest of dangers to be feared. To preserve our independence, we must
25142 not let our rulers load us with perpetual debt. If we run into such debts, we
25143 must be taxed in our meat and drink, in our necessities and in our comforts,
25144 in our labor and in our amusements. If we can prevent the government from
25145 wasting the labor of the people, under the pretense of caring for them, they
25147 -- Thomas Jefferson
25149 I played lead guitar in a band called The Federal Duck, which is the
25150 kind of name that was popular in the '60s as a result of controlled
25151 substances being in widespread use. Back then, there were no
25152 restrictions, in terms of talent, on who could make an album, so we
25153 made one, and it sounds like a group of people who have been given
25154 powerful but unfamiliar instruments as a therapy for a degenerative
25156 -- Dave Barry, "The Snake"
25158 I pledge allegiance to the flag
25159 of the United States of America
25160 and to the republic for which it stands,
25164 and justice for all.
25165 -- Francis Bellamy, 1892
25167 I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
25170 I predict that today will be remembered until tomorrow!
25172 I prefer rogues to imbeciles because they sometimes take a rest.
25173 -- Alexandre Dumas the Younger
25175 I prefer the most unjust peace to the most righteous war.
25178 Even peace may be purchased at too high a price.
25181 "I profoundly believe it takes a lot of practice to become a moral
25183 -- William F. Buckley
25185 I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats
25186 on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
25189 I put instant coffee in my microwave oven and almost went back in time.
25192 I put the shotgun in an Adidas bag and padded it out with four pairs of
25193 tennis socks, not my style at all, but that was what I was aiming for: If
25194 they think you're crude, go technical; if they think you're technical, go
25195 crude. I'm a very technical boy. So I decided to get as crude as possible.
25196 These days, though, you have to be pretty technical before you can even
25197 aspire to crudeness.
25198 -- William Gibson, "Johnny Mnemonic"
25200 I put up my thumb... and it blotted out the planet Earth.
25203 I quite agree with you, said the Duchess; and the moral of that is -- "Be
25204 what you would seem to be" -- or, if you'd like it put more simply -- "Never
25205 imagine yourself not to be otherwise than what it might appear to others
25206 that what you were or might have been was not otherwise than what you had
25207 been would have appeared to them to be otherwise."
25209 I read a column by George Will that Scarface should be rated X because
25210 parents were taking their children to see it. So what? Why should the
25211 motion-picture industry be responsible for our morality?
25212 Dad says to Mom, "Honey, Scarface is in town."
25214 "Human scum who kill each other over cocaine deals."
25215 "Sounds great! Let's take the kids!"
25218 I read Playboy for the same reason I read National Geographic.
25219 To see the sights I'm never going to visit.
25221 I read the newspaper avidly. It is my one form of continuous fiction.
25224 I realize that the MX missile is none of our concern. I realize that
25225 the whole point of living in a democracy is that we pay professional
25226 congresspersons to concern themselves with things like the MX missile
25227 so we can be free to concern ourselves with getting hold of the
25230 But from time to time, I feel I must address major public issues such
25231 as this, because in a free and open society, where the very future of
25232 the world hinges on decisions made by our elected leaders, you never
25233 win large cash journalism awards if you stick to the topics I usually
25234 write about, such as nose-picking.
25235 -- Dave Barry, "At Last, the Ultimate Deterrent Against
25238 I really had to act; 'cause I didn't have any lines.
25239 -- Marilyn Chambers
25241 I really hate this damned machine
25242 I wish that they would sell it.
25243 It never does quite what I want
25244 But only what I tell it.
25246 I really look with commiseration over the great body of my fellow citizens
25247 who, reading newspapers, live and die in the belief that they have known
25248 something of what has been passing in the world in their time.
25249 -- Thomas Jefferson
25251 I recently moved into a new apartment, and there was this switch on the
25252 wall that didn't do anything... so anytime I had nothing to do, I'd just
25253 flick that switch up and down... up and down... up and down...
25254 Then one day I got a letter from a woman in Germany... it just said
25258 I recognize terror as the finest emotion and so I will try to terrorize the
25259 reader. But if I find that I cannot terrify, I will try to horrify, and if
25260 I find that I cannot horrify, I'll go for the gross-out.
25263 I refuse to consign the whole male sex to the nursery. I insist on
25264 believing that some men are my equals.
25267 "I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person."
25269 I remember once being on a station platform in Cleveland at four in the
25270 morning. A black porter was carrying my bags, and as we were waiting for
25271 the train to come in, he said to me: "Excuse me, Mr. Cooke, I don't want to
25272 invade your privacy, but I have a bet with a friend of mine. Who composed
25273 the opening theme music of `Omnibus'? My friend said Virgil Thomson." I
25274 asked him, "What do you say?" He replied, "I say Aaron Copeland." I said,
25275 "You're right." The porter said, "I knew Thomson doesn't write counterpoint
25276 that way." I told that to a network president, and he was deeply unimpressed.
25279 I remember Ulysses well... Left one day for the post office
25280 to mail a letter, met a blonde named Circe on the streetcar,
25281 and didn't come back for 20 years.
25283 I remember when legal used to mean lawful, now it means some
25287 I replaced the headlights on my car with strobe lights. Now it
25288 looks like I'm the only one moving.
25291 I respect faith, but doubt is what gives you an education.
25294 I respect the institution of marriage. I have always thought that every
25295 woman should marry -- and no man.
25296 -- Benjamin Disraeli, "Lothair"
25298 I reverently believe that the maker who made us all makes everything in New
25299 England, but the weather. I don't know who makes that, but I think it must be
25300 raw apprentices in the weather-clerks factory who experiment and learn how, in
25301 New England, for board and clothes, and then are promoted to make weather for
25302 countries that require a good article, and will take their custom elsewhere
25303 if they don't get it.
25306 "I said, "Preacher, give me strength for round 5."
25307 He said,"What you need is to grow up, son."
25308 I said,"Growin' up leads to growin' old,
25309 And then to dying, and to me that don't sound like much fun."
25310 -- John Cougar, "The Authority Song"
25312 I sat down beside her, said hello, offered to buy her a drink...
25313 and then natural selection reared its ugly head.
25315 I saw a man pursuing the Horizon,
25316 'Round and round they sped.
25317 I was disturbed at this,
25318 I accosted the man,
25319 "It is futile," I said.
25321 "You lie!" He cried,
25325 I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
25328 I saw Lassie. It took me four shows to figure out why the hairy kid
25329 never spoke. I mean, he could roll over and all that, but did that
25332 I saw what you did and I know who you are.
25334 I see a bad moon rising.
25335 I see trouble on the way.
25336 I see earthquakes and lightnin'
25337 I see bad times today.
25338 Don't go 'round tonight,
25339 It's bound to take your life.
25340 There's a bad moon on the rise.
25341 -- J. C. Fogerty, "Bad Moon Rising"
25343 I see a good deal of talk from Washington about lowering taxes. I hope
25344 they do get 'em lowered down enough so people can afford to pay 'em.
25347 I see the eigenvalue in thine eye,
25348 I hear the tender tensor in thy sigh.
25349 Bernoulli would have been content to die
25350 Had he but known such _
\ba-squared cos 2(phi)!
25351 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
25353 I see where we are starting to pay some attention to our neighbors to
25354 the south. We could never understand why Mexico wasn't just crazy about
25355 us; for we have always had their good will, and oil and minerals, at heart.
25356 -- The Best of Will Rogers
25358 I sent a letter to the fish,
25359 I told them, "This is what I wish."
25360 The little fishes of the sea,
25361 They sent an answer back to me.
25362 The little fishes' answer was
25363 "We cannot do it, sir, because ..."
25364 I sent a letter back to say
25365 It would be better to obey.
25366 But someone came to me and said
25367 "The little fishes are in bed."
25368 I said to him, and I said it plain
25369 "Then you must wake them up again."
25370 I said it very loud and clear,
25371 I went and shouted in his ear.
25372 But he was very stiff and proud,
25373 He said "You needn't shout so loud."
25374 And he was very proud and stiff,
25375 He said "I'll go and wake them if ..."
25376 I took a kettle from the shelf,
25377 I went to wake them up myself.
25378 But when I found the door was locked
25379 I pulled and pushed and kicked and knocked,
25380 And when I found the door was shut,
25381 I tried to turn the handle, But ...
25383 "Is that all?" asked Alice.
25384 "That is all." said Humpty Dumpty. "Goodbye."
25385 -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass"
25387 I sent a message to another time,
25388 But as the days unwind -- this I just can't believe,
25389 I sent a message to another plane,
25390 Maybe it's all a game -- but this I just can't conceive.
25392 I met someone who looks at lot like you,
25393 She does the things you do, but she is an IBM.
25394 She's only programmed to be very nice,
25395 But she's as cold as ice, whenever I get too near,
25396 She tells me that she likes me very much,
25397 But when I try to touch, she makes it all too clear.
25399 I realize that it must seem so strange,
25400 That time has rearranged, but time has the final word,
25401 She knows I think of you, she reads my mind,
25402 She tries to be unkind, she knows nothing of our world.
25403 -- ELO, "Yours Truly, 2095"
25405 I shall come to you in the night and we shall see who is stronger --
25406 a little girl who won't eat her dinner or a great big man with cocaine
25408 -- Sigmund Freud, in a letter to his fiancee
25410 I shall give a propagandist reason for starting the war, no matter whether
25411 it is plausible or not. The victor will not be asked afterwards whether
25412 he told the truth or not. When starting and waging war it is not right
25413 that matters, but victory.
25416 I shot an arrow in to the air, and it stuck.
25417 -- graffito in Los Angeles
25421 -- graffito in San Francisco
25423 There's so much pollution in the air now that if it weren't for our
25424 lungs there'd be no place to put it all.
25427 I shot an arrow into the air, and it stuck.
25428 -- Graffito in Los Angeles
25430 I should have been a country-western singer. After all, I'm older than
25431 most western countries.
25436 I sold my memoirs of my love life to Parker
25437 Brothers -- they're going to make a game out of it.
25440 I sometimes think that God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his
25444 I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
25447 "I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full
25448 house and four people died."
25452 -- Sam Giancana, explaining his livelihood to his draft board
25454 Easy. I own Chicago. I own Miami. I own Las Vegas.
25455 -- Sam Giancana, when asked what he did for a living
25457 I stick my neck out for nobody.
25458 -- Humphrey Bogart, "Casablanca"
25460 I stood on the leading edge,
25461 The eastern seaboard at my feet.
25462 "Jump!" said Yoko Ono
25463 I'm too scared and good-looking, I cried.
25464 Go on and give it a try,
25465 Why prolong the agony, all men must die.
25466 -- Roger Waters, "The Pros and Cons of Hitchhiking"
25468 "I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to
25469 see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph."
25472 I suggest a new strategy, R2: let the Wookiee win.
25475 I suggest you locate your hot tub outside your house, so it won't do
25476 too much damage if it catches fire or explodes. First you decide which
25477 direction your hot tub should face for maximum solar energy. After
25478 much trial and error, I have found that the best direction for a hot
25480 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
25482 I suppose I could collect my books and get on back to school,
25483 Or steal my daddy's cue and make a living out of playing pool,
25484 Or find myself a rock 'n' roll band,
25485 That needs a helping hand,
25486 Oh, Maggie I wish I'd never seen your face.
25487 -- Rod Stewart, "Maggie May"
25489 I suppose some of the variation between Boston drivers and the rest of the
25490 country is due to the progressive Massachusetts Driver Education Manual which
25491 I happen to have in my top desk drawer. Some of the Tips for Better Driving
25492 are worth considering, to wit:
25495 "When traveling on a one-way street, stay to the right, so as not
25496 to interfere with oncoming traffic."
25499 "Learning to change lanes takes time and patience. The best
25500 recommendation that can be made is to go to a Celtics [basketball]
25501 game; study the fast break and then go out and practice it
25505 "Never bump a baby carriage out of a crosswalk unless the kid's really
25508 I suppose some of the variation between Boston drivers and the rest of the
25509 country is due to the progressive Massachusetts Driver Education Manual which
25510 I happen to have in my top desk drawer. Some of the Tips for Better Driving
25511 are worth considering, to wit:
25514 "Directional signals are generally not used except during vehicle
25515 inspection; however, a left-turn signal is appropriate when making
25516 a U-turn on a divided highway."
25519 "When paying tolls, remember that it is necessary to release the
25520 quarter a full 3 seconds before passing the basket if you are
25521 traveling more than 60 MPH."
25523 I suppose some of the variation between Boston drivers and the rest of the
25524 country is due to the progressive Massachusetts Driver Education Manual which
25525 I happen to have in my top desk drawer. Some of the Tips for Better Driving
25526 are worth considering, to wit:
25529 "When competing for a section of road or a parking space, remember
25530 that the vehicle in need of the most body work has the right-of-way."
25533 "Although it is altogether possible to fit a 6' car into a 6'
25534 parking space, it is hardly ever possible to fit a 6' car into
25535 a 5' parking space."
25538 "Teenage drivers believe that they are immortal, and drive accordingly.
25539 Nevertheless, you should avoid the temptation to prove them wrong."
25541 I suppose that in a few hours I will sober up. That's such a sad
25542 thought. I think I'll have a few more drinks to prepare myself.
25544 "I suppose you expect me to talk."
25545 "No, Mr. Bond. I expect you to die."
25548 I tell them to turn to the study of mathematics, for it
25549 is only there that they might escape the lusts of the flesh.
25550 -- Thomas Mann, "The Magic Mountain"
25552 I tell ya, drugs never worked out for me. The first time I tried smoking
25553 pot I didn't know what I was doing. I smoked half the joint, got the
25554 munchies, and ate the other half.
25556 Well, the first time I tried coke I was so embarrassed. I kept getting the
25557 bottle stuck up my nose.
25558 -- Rodney Dangerfield
25560 I tell ya, gambling never agreed with me. Last week I went to the track
25561 and they shot my horse with the opening gun.
25563 Well, just last week I was at a Chinese restaurant and when I opened my
25564 fortune cookie I found the guy's check sitting at the next table. I said,
25565 "Hey, buddy, I got your check", he said, "Thanks."
25566 -- Rodney Dangerfield
25568 I tell ya, I knew my morning wasn't going right. When I put on my shirt
25569 the button fell off, when I picked up my briefcase, the handle fell off,
25570 I tell ya, I was afraid to go to the bathroom.
25571 -- Rodney Dangerfield
25573 I tell ya, I was an ugly kid. I was so ugly that my dad
25574 kept the kid's picture that came with the wallet he bought.
25575 -- Rodney Dangerfield
25577 I think... I think it's in my basement... Let me go upstairs and check.
25580 I think a relationship is like a shark. It has to constantly move forward
25581 or it dies. Well, what we have on our hands here is a dead shark.
25584 I think all right-thinking people in this country are sick and tired of
25585 being told that ordinary, decent people are fed up in this country with being
25586 sick and tired. I'm certainly not! But I'm sick and tired of being told
25590 "I think he said `Blessed are the cheesemakers.'"
25591 "Nonsense, he was obviously referring to all manufacturers of dairy products."
25592 -- The Life of Brian
25594 I think I'll snatch a kiss and flee.
25595 -- William Shakespeare
25597 I think I'm schizophrenic. One half of me's
25598 paranoid and the other half's out to get him.
25600 "I think it is true for all _
\bn. I was just playing it safe with _
\bn >= 3
25601 because I couldn't remember the proof."
25602 -- Baker, Pure Math 351a
25604 I THINK MAN INVENTED THE CAR by instinct.
25605 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican", 1988.
25607 "I think sex is better than logic, but I can't prove it."
25609 I think she must have been very strictly brought up, she's so
25610 desperately anxious to do the wrong thing correctly.
25611 -- H. H. Munro, a.k.a. Saki, "Reginald on Worries"
25613 I think that all good, right thinking people in this country are sick
25614 and tired of being told that all good, right thinking people in this
25615 country are fed up with being told that all good, right thinking people
25616 in this country are fed up with being sick and tired. I'm certainly
25617 not, and I'm sick and tired of being told that I am.
25620 I think that God in creating man somewhat overestimated his ability.
25623 I think that I shall never hear
25624 A poem lovelier than beer.
25625 The stuff that Joe's Bar has on tap,
25626 With golden base and snowy cap.
25627 The stuff that I can drink all day
25628 Until my mem'ry melts away.
25629 Poems are made by fools, I fear
25630 But only Schlitz can make a beer.
25632 I think that I shall never see
25633 A billboard lovely as a tree.
25634 Perhaps, unless the billboards fall
25635 I'll never see a tree at all.
25638 I think that I shall never see
25639 A thing as lovely as a tree.
25640 But as you see the trees have gone
25641 They went this morning with the dawn.
25642 A logging firm from out of town
25643 Came and chopped the trees all down.
25644 But I will trick those dirty skunks
25645 And write a brand new poem called "Trunks".
25647 I think the sky is blue because it's a shift from black through purple
25648 to blue, and it has to do with where the light is. You know, the
25649 farther we get into darkness, and there's a shifting of color of light
25650 into the blueness, and I think as you go farther and farther away from
25651 the reflected light we have from the sun or the light that's bouncing
25652 off this earth, uh, the darker it gets ... I think if you look at the
25653 color scale, you start at black, move it through purple, move it on
25654 out, it's the shifting of color. We mentioned before about the stars
25655 singing, and that's one of the effects of the shifting of colors.
25656 -- Pat Robertson, The 700 Club
25658 I think the world is ready for the story of an ugly duckling, who grew up to
25659 remain an ugly duckling, and lived happily ever after.
25662 I think the world is run by C students.
25665 I think the world would be a more peaceful place if people
25666 could just keep their fingers out of the fortune files.
25667 -- Jordan K. Hubbard
25669 I THINK THERE SHOULD BE SOMETHING in science called the "reindeer effect."
25670 I don't know what it would be, but I think it'd be good to hear someone
25671 say, "Gentlemen, what we have here is a terrifying example of the reindeer
25673 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican", 1988.
25675 I think, therefore I am... I think.
25677 I think there's a world market for about five computers.
25678 -- attr. Thomas J. Watson (Chairman of the Board, IBM), 1943
25680 I THINK THEY SHOULD CONTINUE the policy of not giving a Nobel Prize for
25682 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican", 1988.
25684 I think we are in Rats Alley where the dead men lost their bones.
25687 I think we can all agree that there is not enough common courtesy shown
25688 ... HEY! PAY ATTENTION WHEN I'M TALKING TO YOU DAMMIT! I said I think
25689 we can all agree that there is not enough common courtesy shown today.
25690 When we take the time to be courteous to each other, we find that we
25691 are happier and less likely to engage in nuclear war. This point was
25692 driven home by the recent summit talks, where Nancy Reagan and Raisa
25693 Gorbachev, each of whose husband thinks the other's husband is vermin,
25694 were able to sit down at a high-level tea and engage in courteous
25696 -- Dave Barry, "The Stuff of Etiquette"
25698 I think we're all Bozos on this bus.
25699 -- Firesign Theatre
25701 I think we're in trouble.
25704 I think your opinions are reasonable,
25705 except for the one about my mental instability.
25706 -- Psychology Professor, Fairfield University
25708 "I thought that you said you were 20 years old!"
25709 "As a programmer, yes," she replied,
25710 "And you claimed to be very near two meters tall!"
25711 "You said you were blonde, but you lied!"
25712 Oh, she was a hacker and he was one, too,
25713 They had so much in common, you'd say.
25714 They exchanged jokes and poems, and clever new hacks,
25715 And prompts that were cute or risque'.
25716 He sent her a picture of his brother Sam,
25717 She sent one from some past high school day,
25718 And it might have gone on for the rest of their lives,
25719 If they hadn't met in L.A.
25720 "Your beard is an armpit," she said in disgust.
25721 He answered, "Your armpit's a beard!"
25722 And they chorused: "I think I could stand all the rest
25723 If you were not so totally weird!"
25724 If she had not said what he wanted to hear,
25725 And he had not done just the same,
25726 They'd have been far more honest, and never have met,
25727 And would not have had fun with the game.
25728 -- Judith Schrier, "Face to Face After Six Months of
25731 I thought there was something fishy about the butler. Probably a Pisces,
25733 -- Firesign Theatre, "The Further Adventures of Nick Danger"
25735 I thought YOU silenced the guard!
25737 "I thought you were trying to get into shape."
25738 "I am. The shape I've selected is a triangle."
25740 I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own."
25741 One of them said, "So will you."
25742 -- Rodney Dangerfield
25744 I took a course in speed reading, learning to read straight down the middle
25745 of the page, and I was able to go through "War and Peace" in twenty minutes.
25749 I treasure this strange combination found in very few persons: a fierce
25750 desire for life as well as a lucid perception of the ultimate futility of
25752 -- Madeleine Gobeil
25754 I truly wish I could be a great surgeon or philosopher or author or anything
25755 constructive, but in all honesty I'd rather turn up my amplifier full blast
25756 and drown myself in the noise.
25757 -- Charles Schmid, the "Tucson Murderer"
25759 I trust the first lion he meets will do his duty.
25760 -- J. P. Morgan on Teddy Roosevelt's safari
25762 I try not to break the rules but merely to test their elasticity.
25765 I try to keep an open mind, but not so open that my brains fall out.
25766 -- Judge Harold T. Stone
25768 I turned my air conditioner the other way around, and it got cold out.
25769 The weatherman said "I don't understand it. I was supposed to be 80
25770 degrees today," and I said "Oops."
25772 In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above... so
25773 I never have to go upstairs.
25775 I just bought a microwave fireplace... You can spend an evening in
25776 front of it in only eight minutes.
25779 I understand why you're confused. You're thinking too much.
25782 I use not only all the brains I have, but all those I can borrow as well.
25785 I use technology in order to hate it more properly.
25788 I used to be a rebel in my youth.
25789 This cause... that cause... (chuckle) I backed 'em ALL! But I learned.
25790 Rebellion is simply a device used by the immature to hide from his own
25791 problems. So I lost interest in politics. Now when I feel aroused by
25792 a civil rights case or a passport hearing... I realize it's just a device.
25793 I go to my analyst and we work it out. You have no idea how much better
25797 I used to be an agnostic, but now I'm not so sure.
25799 I used to be disgusted, now I find I'm just amused.
25802 I used to be Snow White, but I drifted.
25805 I used to be such a sweet sweet thing, 'til they got a hold of me,
25806 I opened doors for little old ladies, I helped the blind to see,
25807 I got no friends 'cause they read the papers, they can't be seen,
25808 With me, and I'm feelin' real shot down,
25809 And I'm, uh, feelin' mean,
25810 No more, Mr. Nice Guy,
25811 No more, Mr. Clean,
25812 No more, Mr. Nice Guy,
25813 They say "He's sick, he's obscene".
25815 My dog bit me on the leg today, my cat clawed my eyes,
25816 Ma's been thrown out of the social circle, and Dad has to hide,
25817 I went to church, incognito, when everybody rose,
25818 The reverend Smithy, he recognized me,
25819 And punched me in the nose, he said,
25821 He said "You're sick, you're obscene".
25822 -- Alice Cooper, "No More Mr. Nice Guy"
25824 "I used to get high on life but lately I've built up a resistance."
25826 I used to have a drinking problem.
25827 Now I love the stuff.
25829 I used to live in a house by the freeway. When I went anywhere, I had
25830 to be going 65 MPH by the end of my driveway.
25832 I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights. Now it looks
25833 like I'm the only one moving.
25835 I was pulled over for speeding today. The officer said, "Don't you know
25836 the speed limit is 55 miles an hour?" And I said, "Yes, but I wasn't going
25837 to be out that long."
25839 I put a new engine in my car, but didn't take the old one out. Now
25840 my car goes 500 miles an hour.
25843 I used to think I was a child; now I think I am an adult -- not because
25844 I no longer do childish things, but because those I call adults are no
25845 more mature than I am.
25847 "I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure."
25849 I used to think romantic love was a neurosis shared by two, a supreme
25850 foolishness. I no longer thought that. There's nothing foolish in
25851 loving anyone. Thinking you'll be loved in return is what's foolish.
25854 "I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my
25855 body. Then I realized who was telling me this."
25858 I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere
25862 I value kindness to human beings first of all, and kindness to
25863 animals. I don't respect the law; I have a total irreverence for
25864 anything connected with society except that which makes the roads
25865 safer, the beer stronger, the food cheaper, and old men and women
25866 warmer in the winter, and happier in the summer.
25869 I waited and waited and when no message came I knew it must be from you.
25871 I want to be the white man's brother, not his brother-in-law.
25872 -- Martin Luther King, Jr.
25874 "I want to buy a husband who, every week when I sit down to watch `St.
25875 Elsewhere', won't scream, `FORGET IT, BLANCHE ... IT'S TIME FOR "HEE
25877 -- Berke Breathed, "Bloom County"
25879 I want to buy a husband who, every week when I sit down to watch "St.
25880 Elsewhere", won't scream, "Forget it, Blanche... It's time for Hee-Haw!"
25882 I want to kill everyone here with a cute colorful Hydrogen Bomb!!
25883 -- Zippy the Pinhead
25885 I want to marry a girl just like the girl that married dear old dad.
25888 I want to reach your mind -- where is it currently located?
25890 I was appalled by this story of the destruction of a member of a valued
25891 endangered species. It's all very well to celebrate the practicality of
25892 pigs by ennobling the porcine sibling who constructed his home out of
25893 bricks and mortar. But to wantonly destroy a wolf, even one with an
25894 excessive taste for porkers, is unconscionable in these ecologically
25895 critical times when both man and his domestic beasts continue to maraud
25897 Sylvia Kamerman, "Book Reviewing"
25899 I was at this restaurant. The sign said "Breakfast Anytime." So I
25900 ordered French Toast in the Renaissance.
25903 I was born because it was a habit in those days, people didn't know
25904 anything else ... I was not a Child Prodigy, because a Child Prodigy is
25905 a child who knows as much when it is a child as it does when it grows
25909 I was born in a barrel of butcher knives
25910 Trouble I love and peace I despise
25911 Wild horses kicked me in my side
25912 Then a rattlesnake bit me and he walked off and died.
25915 I was drunk last night, crawled home across the lawn. By accident I
25916 put the car key in the door lock. The house started up. So I figured
25917 what the hell, and drove it around the block a few times. I thought I
25918 should go park it in the middle of the freeway and yell at everyone to
25919 get off my driveway.
25922 I was eatin' some chop suey,
25923 With a lady in St. Louie,
25924 When there sudden comes a knockin' at the door.
25925 And that knocker, he says, "Honey,
25926 Roll this rocker out some money,
25927 Or your daddy shoots a baddie to the floor."
25930 "I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I
25934 I was in a bar and I walked up to a beautiful woman and said, "Do you live
25935 around here often?" She said, "You're wearing two different-color socks."
25936 I said, "Yes, but to me they're the same because I go by thickness."
25937 She said, "How do you feel?" And I said, "You know when you're sitting on a
25938 chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs and you lean too far so
25939 you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like
25940 that all the time..."
25941 -- Steven Wright, "Gentlemen's Quarterly"
25943 I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in
25944 the mouth by Miss Congeniality.
25947 I was in accord with the system so long as it
25948 permitted me to function effectively.
25951 I was in this prematurely air conditioned supermarket and there were all
25952 these aisles and there were these bathing caps you could buy that had these
25953 kind of Fourth of July plumes on them that were red and yellow and blue and
25954 I wasn't tempted to buy one but I was reminded of the fact that I had been
25955 avoiding the beach.
25956 -- Lucinda Childs "Einstein On The Beach"
25958 I was in Vegas last week. I was at the roulette table, having a
25959 lengthy argument about what I considered an Odd number.
25962 I was offered a job as a hoodlum and I turned it down cold. A thief is
25963 anybody who gets out and works for his living, like robbing a bank or
25964 breaking into a place and stealing stuff, or kidnapping somebody. He really
25965 gives some effort to it. A hoodlum is a pretty lousy sort of scum. He
25966 works for gangsters and bumps guys off when they have been put on the spot.
25967 Why, after I'd made my rep, some of the Chicago Syndicate wanted me to work
25968 for them as a hood -- you know, handling a machine gun. They offered me
25969 two hundred and fifty dollars a week and all the protection I needed. I
25970 was on the lam at the time and not able to work at my regular line. But
25971 I wouldn't consider it. "I'm a thief," I said. "I'm no lousy hoodlum."
25972 -- Alvin Karpis, "Public Enemy Number One"
25974 I was part of that strange race of people aptly described as spending
25975 their lives doing things they detest to make money they don't want to
25976 buy things they don't need to impress people they dislike.
25977 -- Emile Henry Gauvreay
25979 I was playing poker the other night ... with Tarot cards. I got a full
25980 house and four people died.
25983 I was the best I ever had.
25986 I was toilet-trained at gunpoint.
25989 I was working on a case. It had to be a case, because I couldn't afford a
25990 desk. Then I saw her. This tall blond lady. She must have been tall
25991 because I was on the third floor. She rolled her deep blue eyes towards
25992 me. I picked them up and rolled them back. We kissed. She screamed. I
25993 took the cigarette from my mouth and kissed her again.
25995 I wasn't kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth.
25998 I watch television because you don't know what it will do if you leave it
26001 I went home with a waitress,
26002 The way I always do.
26003 How I was I to know?
26004 She was with the Russians too.
26006 I was gambling in Havana,
26007 I took a little risk.
26008 Send lawyers, guns, and money,
26009 Dad, get me out of this.
26010 -- Warren Zevon, "Lawyers, Guns and Money"
26012 "I went into a general store, and they wouldn't sell me anything
26016 I went into the business for the money, and the art grew out of it.
26017 If people are disillusioned by that remark, I can't help it.
26021 I went on to test the program in every way I could devise. I strained
26022 it to expose its weaknesses. I ran it for high-mass stars and low-mass
26023 stars, for stars born exceedingly hot and those born relatively cold.
26024 I ran it assuming the superfluid currents beneath the crust to be
26025 absent -- not because I wanted to know the answer, but because I had
26026 developed an intuitive feel for the answer in this particular case.
26027 Finally I got a run in which the computer showed the pulsar's
26028 temperature to be less than absolute zero. I had found an error. I
26029 chased down the error and fixed it. Now I had improved the program to
26030 the point where it would not run at all.
26031 -- George Greenstein, "Frozen Star: Of Pulsars, Black
26032 Holes and the Fate of Stars"
26034 I went over to my friend, he was eatin' a pickle.
26035 I said "Hi, what's happenin'?"
26037 Try to sing this song with that kind of enthusiasm;
26038 As if you just squashed a cop.
26039 -- Arlo Guthrie, "Motorcycle Song"
26041 I went to a Grateful Dead Concert and they played for SEVEN hours.
26045 I went to a job interview the other day, the guy asked me if I had any
26046 questions, I said yes, just one, if you're in a car traveling at the
26047 speed of light and you turn your headlights on, does anything happen?
26049 He said he couldn't answer that, I told him sorry, but I couldn't work
26053 I went to a place to eat. It said `BREAKFAST ANYTIME.' So I ordered
26054 French toast during the Renaissance.
26057 I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time."
26058 So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
26061 I went to my first computer conference at the New York Hilton about 20
26062 years ago. When somebody there predicted the market for microprocessors
26063 would eventually be in the millions, someone else said, "Where are they
26064 all going to go? It's not like you need a computer in every doorknob!"
26066 Years later, I went back to the same hotel. I noticed the room keys had
26067 been replaced by electronic cards you slide into slots in the doors.
26069 There was a computer in every doorknob.
26072 I went to my mother and told her I intended to commence a different life.
26073 I asked for and obtained her blessing and at once commenced the career
26075 -- Tiburcio Vasquez
26077 "I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in
26078 the shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't
26082 "I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the
26083 statues that are in all the other museums."
26086 I went to the race track once and bet on a horse that was so good that
26087 it took seven others to beat him!
26089 I will always love the false image I had of you.
26091 I will follow the good side right to the fire,
26092 but not into it if I can help it.
26093 -- Michel Eyquem de Montaigne
26095 I will honour Christmas in my heart, and try to keep it all the
26096 year. I will live in the Past, the Present, and the Future. The
26097 Spirits of all Three shall strive within me. I will not shut out
26098 the lessons that they teach. Oh, tell me that I may sponge away the
26099 writing on this stone!
26102 I will make you shorter by the head.
26105 I will never lie to you.
26107 I will not be briefed or debriefed, my underwear is my own.
26111 I will not get drunk!
26113 I will not in public!
26115 I will not fall down!
26117 I will fall face down so that they cannot see my company badge.
26119 I will not forget you.
26121 I will not play at tug o' war.
26122 I'd rather play at hug o' war,
26123 Where everyone hugs
26125 Where everyone giggles
26126 And rolls on the rug,
26127 Where everyone kisses,
26128 And everyone grins,
26129 And everyone cuddles,
26131 -- Shel Silverstein, "Hug O' War"
26133 I will not say that women have no character; rather, they have a new
26137 I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when he came to town,
26138 we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad.
26141 I WISH I HAD A KRYPTONITE CROSS, because then you could keep both Dracula
26143 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican", 1988.
26145 I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence.
26146 There's a knob called "brightness", but it doesn't seem to work.
26149 I wish you humans would leave me alone.
26151 I wish you were a Scotch on the rocks.
26153 I woke up a feelin' mean
26154 went down to play the slot machine
26155 the wheels turned round,
26156 and the letters read
26157 "Better head back to Tennessee Jed"
26160 I woke up this morning and discovered that everything in my apartment
26161 had been stolen and replaced with an exact replica. I told my roommate,
26162 "Isn't this amazing? Everything in the apartment has been stolen and
26163 replaced with an exact replica." He said, "Do I know you?"
26166 "I wonder", he said to himself, "what's in a book while it's closed. Oh, I
26167 know it's full of letters printed on paper, but all the same, something must
26168 be happening, because as soon as I open it, there's a whole story with people
26169 I don't know yet and all kinds of adventures and battles."
26172 I wonder what the leash and collar set does for excitement?
26173 -- Tramp, "Lady and the Tramp"
26175 I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me,
26176 "If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?"
26179 I would be batting the big feller if they wasn't ready with the other one,
26180 but a left-hander would be the thing if they wouldn't have knowed it already
26181 because there is more things involved than could come up on the road, even
26182 after we've been home a long while.
26185 I would gladly raise my voice in praise of women,
26186 only they won't let me raise my voice.
26189 I would have made a good pope.
26192 I would have promised those terrorists a trip to Disneyland if it would have
26193 gotten the hostages released. I thank God they were satisfied with the
26194 missiles and we didn't have to go to that extreme.
26197 I would have you imagine, then, that there exists in the mind of man a block
26198 of wax... and that we remember and know what is imprinted as long as the
26199 image lasts; but when the image is effaced, or cannot be taken, then we
26200 forget or do not know.
26201 -- Plato, Dialogs, Theateus 191
26203 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
26204 referring to image activation and termination.]
26206 I would like the government to do all it can to mitigate, then, in
26207 understanding, in mutuality of interest, in concern for the common good,
26208 our tasks will be solved.
26209 -- Warren G. Harding
26211 I would like to electrocute everyone who uses the word "fair" in connection
26212 with income tax policies.
26213 -- William F. Buckley
26215 I would like to know
26216 What I was fencing in
26217 And what I was fencing out.
26220 I would much rather have men ask why
26221 I have no statue, than why I have one.
26222 -- Marcus Porcius Cato
26224 I would not like to be a political leader in Russia. They never know when
26225 they're being taped.
26228 I love America. You always hurt the one you love.
26229 -- David Frye impersonating Nixon
26231 I would rather be a serf in a poor man's house
26232 and be above ground than reign among the dead.
26233 -- Achilles, "The Odyssey", XI, 489-91
26235 I would rather say that a desire to drive fast
26236 sports cars is what sets man apart from the animals.
26238 I wouldn't be so paranoid if you weren't all out to get me!!
26240 I wouldn't marry her with a ten foot pole.
26242 "I wouldn't recommend sex, drugs or insanity for everyone, but they've
26243 always worked for me."
26244 -- Hunter S. Thompson
26246 I wrecked trains because I like to see people die. I like to hear
26248 -- Sylvestre Matuschka, "the Hungarian Train Wreck Freak",
26249 escaped prison 1937, not heard from since
26266 [Internation Business Machines Corp.] Also known as Itty Bitty
26267 Machines or The Lawyer's Friend. The dominant force in computer
26268 marketing, having supplied worldwide some 75% of all known hardware
26269 and 10% of all software. To protect itself from the litigious envy
26270 of less successful organizations, such as the US government, IBM
26271 employs 68% of all known ex-Attorneys' General.
26275 Idiots Become Managers
26277 Impossible to Buy Machine
26278 Incredibly Big Machine
26279 Industry's Biggest Mistake
26280 International Brotherhood of Mercenaries
26281 It Boggles the Mind
26282 It's Better Manually
26283 Itty-Bitty Machines
26285 IBM Advanced Systems Group -- a bunch of mindless jerks,
26286 who'll be first against the wall when the revolution comes...
26287 -- with regrets to Douglas Adams
26290 Its syntax worse than JOSS;
26291 And everywhere this language went,
26292 It was a total loss.
26294 IBM: It may be slow, but it's hard to use.
26296 IBM Pollyanna Principle:
26297 Machines should work. People should think.
26299 IBM's original motto:
26300 Cogito ergo vendo; vendo ergo sum.
26302 I'd be a poorer man if I'd never seen an eagle fly.
26305 [I saw an eagle fly once. Fortunately, I had my eagle fly swatter handy. Ed.]
26307 "I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous."
26309 I'd horsewhip you if I had a horse.
26312 I'd just as soon kiss a Wookiee.
26313 -- Princess Leia Organa
26315 I'D LIKE TO BE BURIED INDIAN-STYLE, where they put you up on a high rack,
26316 above the ground. That way, you could get hit by meteorites and not even
26318 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican", 1988.
26320 I'd like to meet the guy who invented beer and see what he's working on now.
26322 I'd like to see the government get out of war altogether and leave the
26323 whole field to private industry.
26326 "I'd love to go out with you, but I did my own thing and now I've got
26329 "I'd love to go out with you, but I have to floss my cat."
26331 "I'd love to go out with you, but I have to stay home and see if I
26334 "I'd love to go out with you, but I never go out on days that end in
26337 "I'd love to go out with you, but I want to spend more time with my
26340 "I'd love to go out with you, but I'm attending the opening of my
26343 "I'd love to go out with you, but I'm converting my calendar watch from
26344 Julian to Gregorian."
26346 "I'd love to go out with you, but I'm doing door-to-door collecting for
26349 "I'd love to go out with you, but I'm having all my plants neutered."
26351 "I'd love to go out with you, but I'm staying home to work on my
26352 cottage cheese sculpture."
26354 "I'd love to go out with you, but I'm taking punk totem pole carving."
26356 "I'd love to go out with you, but it's my parakeet's bowling night."
26358 "I'd love to go out with you, but I've been scheduled for a karma
26361 "I'd love to go out with you, but my favorite commercial is on TV."
26363 "I'd love to go out with you, but the last time I went out, I never
26366 "I'd love to go out with you, but the man on television told me to stay
26369 "I'd love to go out with you, but there are important world issues that
26370 need worrying about."
26372 I'd love to kiss you, but I just washed my hair.
26373 -- Bette Davis, "Cabin in the Cotton"
26375 I'd never cry if I did find
26376 A blue whale in my soup...
26377 Nor would I mind a porcupine
26378 Inside a chicken coop.
26379 Yes life is fine when things combine,
26380 Like ham in beef chow mein...
26381 But lord, this time I think I mind,
26382 They've put acid in my rain.
26385 I'd never join any club that would have the likes of me as a member.
26388 I'd probably settle for a vampire if he were romantic enough.
26389 Couldn't be any worse than some of the relationships I've had.
26392 I'd rather be led to hell than managed to heaven.
26394 "I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy."
26396 I'd rather have a free bottle in front of me than a prefrontal lobotomy.
26399 [Also attributed to S. Clay Wilson. Ed.]
26401 I'd rather have two girls at 21 each than one girl at 42.
26404 I'd rather just believe that it's done by little elves running around.
26406 I'd rather laugh with the sinners,
26407 Than cry with the saints,
26408 The sinners are much more fun!
26409 -- Billy Joel, "Only The Good Die Young"
26411 I'd rather push my Harley than ride a rice burner.
26413 Idaho state law makes it illegal for a man to give his sweetheart a box
26414 of candy weighing less than fifty pounds.
26416 Ideas don't stay in some minds very long because they don't like
26417 solitary confinement.
26419 Identify your visitor.
26422 The part of the envelope that tells a person where to place the
26423 stamp when they can't quite figure it out for themselves.
26424 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
26427 A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in human
26428 affairs has always been dominant and controlling.
26429 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
26432 Leisure gone to seed.
26434 Idleness is the holiday of fools.
26436 If A = B and B = C, then A = C, except where void or prohibited by law.
26439 If a 6600 used paper tape instead of core memory, it would use up tape
26440 at about 30 miles/second.
26441 -- Grishman, Assembly Language Programming
26443 "If a camel flies, no one laughs if it doesn't get very far."
26446 If a camel is a horse designed by a committee, then a consensus
26447 forecast is a camel's behind.
26448 -- Edgar R. Fiedler
26450 If a can of Alpo costs 38 cents, would it cost $2.50 in Dog Dollars?
26452 If a child annoys you, quiet him by brushing their hair. If this doesn't
26453 work, use the other side of the brush on the other end of the child.
26455 If A equals success, then the formula is _
\bA = _
\bX + _
\bY + _
\bZ. _
\bX is work. _
\bY
26456 is play. _
\bZ is keep your mouth shut.
26459 If A fool persists in his folly he shall become wise.
26462 If a group of _
\bN persons implements a COBOL compiler, there will be _
\bN-1
26463 passes. Someone in the group has to be the manager.
26466 If a guru falls in the forest with no one to hear him, was he
26467 really a guru at all?
26468 -- Strange de Jim, "The Metasexuals"
26470 If a jury in a criminal trial stays out for more than twenty-four
26471 hours, it is certain to vote acquittal, save in those instances where
26473 -- Joseph C. Goulden
26475 IF A KID ASKS YOU where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him
26476 is, "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing
26477 to tell him is, "Probably because of something you did."
26478 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican", 1988.
26480 If a listener nods his head when you're explaining your program, wake
26483 If a man has a strong faith he can indulge in the luxury of skepticism.
26484 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
26486 If a man has talent and cannot use it, he has failed.
26489 If a man is not a liberal at 25, he has no heart.
26490 If he's not a conservative by 45, he has no brain.
26492 If a man loses his reverence for any part of life,
26493 he will lose his reverence for all of life.
26494 -- Albert Schweitzer
26496 If a man stay away from his wife for seven years, the law presumes the
26497 separation to have killed him; yet according to our daily experience,
26498 it might well prolong his life.
26499 -- Charles Darling, "Scintillae Juris, 1877
26501 If a nation expects to be ignorant and free,
26502 ... it expects what never was and never will be.
26503 -- Thomas Jefferson
26505 If a nation values anything more than freedom, it will lose its freedom;
26506 and the irony of it is that if it is comfort or money it values more, it
26507 will lose that, too.
26508 -- W. Somerset Maugham
26510 If a person (a) is poorly, (b) receives treatment intended to make him better,
26511 and (c) gets better, then no power of reasoning known to medical science can
26512 convince him that it may not have been the treatment that restored his health.
26513 -- Sir Peter Medawar, "The Art of the Soluble"
26515 If a President doesn't do it to his wife, he'll do it to his country.
26517 If a putt passes over the hole without dropping, it is deemed to have
26518 dropped. The law of gravity holds that any object attempting to
26519 maintain a position in the atmosphere without something to support it
26520 must drop. The law of gravity supersedes the law of golf.
26523 If a shameless woman expects to be defiled and then dies of her fierce
26524 love because you do not consent, will chastity also be homicide?
26527 If a small child asks you where rain comes from, I think a reasonable response
26528 is simply that "God is crying." And, if he asks you why God is crying, the
26529 only possible answer is "Probably because of something you did."
26531 If a subordinate asks you a pertinent question,
26532 look at him as if he had lost his senses.
26533 When he looks down, paraphrase the question back at him.
26535 If a system is administered wisely,
26536 its users will be content.
26537 They enjoy hacking their code
26538 and don't waste time implementing
26539 labor-saving shell scripts.
26540 Since they dearly love their accounts,
26541 they aren't interested in other machines.
26542 There may be telnet, rlogin, and ftp,
26543 but these don't access any hosts.
26544 There may be an arsenal of cracks and malware,
26545 but nobody ever uses them.
26546 People enjoy reading their mail,
26547 take pleasure in being with their newsgroups,
26548 spend weekends working at their terminals,
26549 delight in the doings at the site.
26550 And even though the next system is so close
26551 that users can hear its key clicks and biff beeps,
26552 they are content to die of old age
26553 without ever having gone to see it.
26555 "If a team is in a positive frame of mind, it will have a good
26556 attitude. If it has a good attitude, it will make a commitment to
26557 playing the game right. If it plays the game right, it will win --
26558 unless, of course, it doesn't have enough talent to win, and no manager
26559 can make goose-liver pate out of goose feathers, so why worry?"
26562 If a thing's worth doing, it is worth doing badly.
26563 -- G. K. Chesterton
26565 If a thing's worth having, it's worth cheating for.
26568 If a train station is a place where a train stops, what's a workstation?
26570 If addiction is judged by how long a dumb animal will sit pressing a lever
26571 to get a "fix" of something, to its own detriment, then I would conclude
26572 that netnews is far more addictive than cocaine.
26575 If all be true that I do think,
26576 There be five reasons why one should drink;
26577 Good friends, good wine, or being dry,
26578 Or lest we should be by-and-by,
26579 Or any other reason why.
26581 If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular
26583 -- John Kenneth Galbraith
26585 If all else fails, lower your standards.
26587 If all men were brothers, would you let one marry your sister?
26589 If all the Chinese simultaneously jumped into the Pacific off a 10 foot
26590 platform erected 10 feet off their coast, it would cause a tidal wave
26591 that would destroy everything in this country west of Nebraska.
26593 If all the girls who attended the Yale prom were laid end to end -- I
26594 wouldn't be a bit surprised.
26597 If all the seas were ink,
26598 And all the reeds were pens,
26599 And all the skies were parchment,
26600 And all the men could write,
26601 These would not suffice
26602 To write down all the red tape
26603 Of this Government.
26605 If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door.
26608 If all the world's economists were laid end to end, we wouldn't reach a
26612 If an average person on the subway turns to you, like an ancient mariner,
26613 and starts telling you her tale, you turn away or nod and hope she stops,
26614 not just because you fear she might be crazy. If she tells her tale on
26615 camera, you might listen. Watching strangers on television, even
26616 responding to them from a studio audience, we're disengaged - voyeurs
26617 collaborating with exhibitionists in rituals of sham community. Never
26618 have so many known so much about people for whom they cared so little.
26619 -- Wendy Kaminer commenting on testimonial television
26620 in "I'm Dysfunctional, You're Dysfunctional".
26622 If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
26624 If an S and an I and an O and a U
26625 With an X at the end spell Su;
26626 And an E and a Y and an E spell I,
26627 Pray what is a speller to do?
26628 Then, if also an S and an I and a G
26629 And an HED spell side,
26630 There's nothing much left for a speller to do
26631 But to go commit siouxeyesighed.
26632 -- Charles Follen Adams, "An Orthographic Lament"
26634 If any demonstrator ever lays down in front of my car, it'll be the last
26635 car he ever lays down in front of.
26638 If any man wishes to be humbled and mortified,
26639 let him become president of Harvard.
26642 If anyone has seen my dog, please contact me at x2883 as soon as possible.
26643 We're offering a substantial reward. He's a sable collie, with three legs,
26644 blind in his left eye, is missing part of his right ear and the tip of his
26645 tail. He's been recently fixed. Answers to "Lucky".
26647 If anything can go wrong, it will.
26649 If at first you do succeed, try to hide your astonishment.
26651 If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
26653 If at first you don't succeed, give up, no use being a damn fool.
26655 If at first you don't succeed, quit; don't be a nut about success.
26657 If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
26659 If at first you don't succeed, try, try again.
26662 If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit.
26663 No use being a damn fool about it.
26665 If at first you don't succeed, try, try again.
26666 Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
26669 [Also attributed to Roy Mengot. Ed.]
26671 If at first you don't succeed, you must be a programmer.
26673 If at first you don't succeed, you're doing about average.
26674 -- Leonard Levinson
26676 If at first you fricassee, fry, fry again.
26678 If atheism is to be used to express the state of mind in which God is
26679 identified with the unknowable, and theology is pronounced to be a
26680 collection of meaningless words about unintelligible chimeras, then
26681 I have no doubt, and I think few people doubt, that atheists are as
26682 plentiful as blackberries.
26685 If bankers can count, how come they have eight windows and only four
26688 If Beethoven's Seventh Symphony is not by
26689 some means abridged, it will soon fall into disuse.
26690 -- Philip Hale, Boston music critic, 1837
26692 If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs,
26693 then the first woodpecker to come along would destroy civilization.
26695 If built in great numbers, motels will be used for nothing
26696 but illegal purposes.
26699 If Carter is the answer, it must have been a VERY silly question.
26701 If Christianity was morality, Socrates would be the Saviour.
26704 If clear thinking created sparks, we could safely store dynamite in James
26708 If coke is a joke, I'm waiting around for the next line.
26710 If computers take over (which seems to be their natural tendency), it will
26714 If dolphins are so smart, why did Flipper work for television?
26716 If England treats her criminals the way she has treated me, she doesn't
26717 deserve to have any.
26718 -- Oscar Wilde, reportedly while standing handcuffed in a
26719 driving rain, waiting for transport to prison upon his
26720 conviction for sodomy.
26722 If entropy is increasing, where is it coming from?
26724 If ever the pleasure of one has to be bought by the pain of the other,
26725 there better be no trade. A trade by which one gains and the other loses
26727 -- Dagny Taggart, "Atlas Shrugged"
26729 If ever you want to touch the hand and the heart of God Almighty, you can
26730 do it through the body of someone you love. Anytime. Anywhere. Without
26732 -- Theodore Sturgeon, "Godbody"
26734 If every kid had a funny tooth to bite down on whenever the world disappointed
26735 him, prussic acid could solve our population problems in one generation.
26736 -- G. C. Edmonson's Albert, "The Man Who Corrupted Earth"
26738 If everybody minded their own business, the world would go
26739 around a deal faster.
26740 -- The Duchess, "Through the Looking Glass"
26742 If everything is coming your way then you're in the wrong lane.
26744 If everything on the road of life seems to
26745 be coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
26747 If everything seems to be going well,
26748 you have obviously overlooked something.
26750 If fifty million people say a foolish thing, it's still a foolish thing.
26751 -- Bertrand Russell
26753 If food be the music of love, eat up, eat up.
26755 If for every rule there is an exception, then we have established that there
26756 is an exception to every rule. If we accept "For every rule there is an
26757 exception" as a rule, then we must concede that there may not be an exception
26758 after all, since the rule states that there is always the possibility of
26759 exception, and if we follow it to its logical end we must agree that there
26760 can be an exception to the rule that for every rule there is an exception.
26763 If God did not exist, it would be necessary to invent him.
26764 -- Voltaire, "Epitres, XCVI"
26766 If God didn't mean for us to juggle, tennis balls wouldn't come three
26769 If God had a beard, he'd be a UNIX programmer.
26771 If God had intended Man to program, we'd be born with serial I/O ports.
26773 If God had intended Man to Smoke, He would have set him on Fire.
26775 If God had intended man to use the metric system, Jesus
26776 would have only had ten disciples.
26778 If God had intended Man to Walk, He would have given him Feet.
26780 If God had intended Man to Watch TV, He would have given him Rabbit
26783 If God had intended Men to Smoke, He would have put Chimneys in their
26786 If God had meant for us to be in the Army, we would have been born with
26789 If God had meant for us to be naked, we would have been born that way.
26791 If God had not given us sticky tape, it would have been necessary to
26794 If God had really intended men to fly,
26795 he'd make it easier to get to the airport.
26798 If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads, he would
26799 have made them cute and furry.
26802 If God had wanted us to use the metric system, Jesus would have had
26805 If God had wanted you to go around nude, He would have given you bigger
26808 If God hadn't wanted you to be paranoid,
26809 He wouldn't have given you such a vivid imagination.
26811 If God is dead, who will save the Queen?
26813 If God is One, what is bad?
26816 If God is perfect, why did He create discontinuous functions?
26818 "If God lived on Earth, people would knock out all His windows."
26821 If God wanted us to be brave, why did he give us legs?
26824 If God wanted us to have a President,
26825 He would have sent us a candidate.
26826 -- Jerry Dreshfield
26828 If graphics hackers are so smart,
26829 why can't they get the bugs out of fresh paint?
26831 If happiness is in your destiny, you need not be in a hurry.
26834 If he had only learnt a little less, how
26835 infinitely better he might have taught much more!
26837 If he once again pushes up his sleeves in order to compute for 3 days
26838 and 3 nights in a row, he will spend a quarter of an hour before to
26839 think which principles of computation shall be most appropriate.
26840 -- Voltaire, "Diatribe du docteur Akakia"
26842 If he should ever change his faith,
26843 it'll be because he no longer thinks he's God.
26845 "If I am elected, the concrete barriers around the WHITE HOUSE will be
26846 replaced by tasteful foam replicas of ANN MARGARET!"
26848 If I cannot bend Heaven, I shall move Hell.
26849 -- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil)
26851 If I could drop dead right now, I'd be the happiest man alive!
26854 If I could read your mind, love,
26855 What a tale your thoughts could tell,
26856 Just like a paperback novel,
26857 The kind the drugstore sells,
26858 When you reach the part where the heartaches come,
26859 The hero would be me,
26861 You won't read that book again, because
26862 the ending is just too hard to take.
26864 I walk away, like a movie star,
26865 Who gets burned in a three way script,
26867 A movie queen to play the scene
26868 Of bringing all the good things out in me,
26869 But for now, love, let's be real
26870 I never thought I could act this way,
26871 And I've got to say that I just don't get it,
26872 I don't know where we went wrong but the feeling is gone
26873 And I just can't get it back...
26874 -- Gordon Lightfoot, "If You Could Read My Mind"
26876 If I could stick my pen in my heart,
26877 I would spill it all over the stage.
26878 Would it satisfy ya, would it slide on by ya,
26879 Would you think the boy was strange?
26882 If I could stick a knife in my heart,
26883 Suicide right on the stage,
26884 Would it be enough for your teenage lust,
26885 Would it help to ease the pain?
26887 -- Rolling Stones, "It's Only Rock'N Roll"
26889 If I don't drive around the park,
26890 I'm pretty sure to make my mark.
26891 If I'm in bed each night by ten,
26892 I may get back my looks again.
26893 If I abstain from fun and such,
26894 I'll probably amount to much;
26895 But I shall stay the way I am,
26896 Because I do not give a damn.
26899 If I don't see you in the future, I'll see you in the pasture.
26901 If I had a formula for bypassing trouble, I would not pass it around.
26902 Trouble creates a capacity to handle it. I don't say embrace trouble; that's
26903 as bad as treating it as an enemy. But I do say meet it as a friend, for
26904 you'll see a lot of it and you had better be on speaking terms with it.
26905 -- Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.
26907 If *I* had a hammer, there'd be no more folk singers.
26909 IF I HAD A MINE SHAFT, I don't think I would just abandon it. There's
26910 got to be a better way.
26911 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican", 1988.
26913 If I had a plantation in Georgia and a home in Hell, I'd sell the
26914 plantation and go home.
26915 -- Eugene P. Gallagher
26917 If I had any humility I would be perfect.
26920 If I had done everything I'm credited with, I'd be speaking to you from
26921 a laboratory jar at Harvard.
26924 AS USUAL, YOUR INFORMATION STINKS.
26925 -- Frank Sinatra, telegram to "Time" magazine
26927 If I had my life to live over, I'd try to make more mistakes next time. I
26928 would relax, I would limber up, I would be sillier than I have been this
26929 trip. I know of very few things I would take seriously. I would be crazier.
26930 I would climb more mountains, swim more rivers and watch more sunsets. I'd
26931 travel and see. I would have more actual troubles and fewer imaginary ones.
26932 You see, I am one of those people who lives prophylactically and sensibly
26933 and sanely, hour after hour, day after day. Oh, I have had my moments and,
26934 if I had it to do over again, I'd have more of them. In fact, I'd try to
26935 have nothing else. Just moments, one after another, instead of living so many
26936 years ahead each day. I have been one of those people who never go anywhere
26937 without a thermometer, a hotwater bottle, a gargle, a raincoat and a parachute.
26938 If I had it to do over again, I would go places and do things and travel
26939 lighter than I have. If I had my life to live over, I would start bare-footed
26940 earlier in the spring and stay that way later in the fall. I would play hooky
26941 more. I probably wouldn't make such good grades, but I'd learn more. I would
26942 ride on more merry-go-rounds. I'd pick more daisies.
26944 If I had only known, I would have been a locksmith.
26947 If I had to live my life again, I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner.
26948 -- Tallulah Bankhead
26950 If I have not seen so far it is because I stood in giant's footsteps.
26952 If I have seen farther than others, it is because I was standing on the
26953 shoulders of giants.
26956 In the sciences, we are now uniquely privileged to sit side by side with
26957 the giants on whose shoulders we stand.
26960 If I have not seen as far as others, it is because giants were standing on
26964 Mathematicians stand on each other's shoulders.
26967 Mathematicians stand on each other's shoulders while computer scientists
26968 stand on each other's toes.
26971 It has been said that physicists stand on one another's shoulders. If
26972 this is the case, then programmers stand on one another's toes, and
26973 software engineers dig each other's graves.
26976 If I have seen farther than others, it is because I was standing on the
26977 shoulders of giants.
26980 In the sciences, we are now uniquely privileged to sit side by side
26981 with the giants on whose shoulders we stand.
26984 If I have not seen as far as others, it is because giants were standing
26988 In computer science, we stand on each other's feet.
26991 If I have to lay an egg for my country, I'll do it.
26994 If I kiss you, that is a psychological interaction.
26996 On the other hand, if I hit you over the head with a brick, that is
26997 also a psychological interaction.
26999 The difference is that one is friendly and the other is not so
27002 The crucial point is if you can tell which is which.
27003 -- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot"
27005 If I knew what brand [of whiskey] he drinks,
27006 I would send a barrel or so to my other generals.
27007 -- Abraham Lincoln, on General Grant
27009 If I love you, what business is it of yours?
27010 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
27012 If I made peace with Russia today, I'd only attack her again tomorrow. I
27013 just couldn't help myself.
27016 If I promised you the moon and the stars, would you believe it?
27017 -- Alan Parsons Project
27019 If I set here and stare at nothing long enough, people might think
27020 I'm an engineer working on something.
27023 If I told you you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
27025 If I traveled to the end of the rainbow
27026 As Dame Fortune did intend,
27027 Murphy would be there to tell me
27028 The pot's at the other end.
27031 If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary form.
27033 If I were a grave-digger or even a hangman, there are some people I could
27034 work for with a great deal of enjoyment.
27037 If I were to walk on water, the press would say I'm only doing it
27038 because I can't swim.
27041 If I'd known computer science was going to be like this,
27042 I'd never have given up being a rock 'n' roll star.
27045 If ignorance is bliss, why aren't there more happy people?
27047 If I'm over the hill, why is it I don't recall ever being on top?
27050 If in any problem you find yourself doing an immense amount of work, the
27051 answer can be obtained by simple inspection.
27053 If in doubt, mumble.
27055 If it ain't baroque, don't fix it.
27057 If it ain't broke, don't fix it.
27059 If it doesn't smell yet, it's pretty fresh.
27060 -- Dave Johnson, on dead seagulls
27062 If it happens once, it's a bug.
27063 If it happens twice, it's a feature.
27064 If it happens more than twice, it's a design philosophy.
27066 If it has syntax, it isn't user-friendly.
27068 If it heals good, say it.
27070 If it is a Miracle, any sort of evidence will
27071 answer, but if it is a Fact, proof is necessary.
27074 If it pours before seven, it has rained by eleven.
27076 If it smells it's chemistry, if it crawls it's biology, if it doesn't work
27079 If it takes a bloodbath, lets get it over with. No more appeasement.
27082 If it wasn't for Newton, we wouldn't have to eat bruised apples.
27084 If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
27086 If it wasn't so warm out today, it would be cooler.
27088 If it were not for the presents, an elopement would be preferable.
27089 -- George Ade, "Forty Modern Fables"
27091 If it were thought that anything I wrote was influenced by Robert Frost,
27092 I would take that particular work of mine, shred it, and flush it down
27093 the toilet, hoping not to clog the pipes. A more sententious, holding-
27094 forth old bore who expected every hero-worshiping adenoidal little twerp
27095 of a student-poet to hang on to his every word I never saw.
27098 If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would ever get done.
27100 If it's green or wiggles, it's biology.
27101 If it stinks, it's chemistry.
27102 If it doesn't work, it's physics.
27104 If it's not in the computer, it doesn't exist.
27106 If it's Tuesday, this must be someone else's fortune.
27108 If it's worth doing, do it for money.
27110 If it's worth doing, it's worth doing for money.
27112 If it's worth hacking on well, it's worth hacking on for money.
27114 If Jesus Christ were to come today, people would not even crucify him.
27115 They would ask him to dinner, and hear what he had to say, and make fun
27119 If just one piece of mail gets lost, well, they'll just think they forgot to
27120 send it. But if *two* pieces of mail get lost, hell, they'll just think the
27121 other guy hasn't gotten around to answering his mail. And if *fifty* pieces
27122 of mail get lost, can you imagine it, if *fifty* pieces of mail get lost, why
27123 they'll think something *else* is broken! And if 1Gb of mail gets lost,
27124 they'll just *know* that uunet is down and think it's a conspiracy to keep
27125 them from their God given right to receive Net Mail ...
27126 -- Leith (Casey) Leedom, apologies to Arlo Guthrie
27128 "If just one piece of mail gets lost, well, they'll just think they
27129 forgot to send it. But if *two* pieces of mail get lost, hell, they'll
27130 just think the other guy hasn't gotten around to answering his mail.
27131 And if *fifty* pieces of mail get lost, can you imagine it, if *fifty*
27132 pieces of mail get lost, why they'll think someone *else* is broken!
27133 And if 1Gb of mail gets lost, they'll just *know* that Arpa is down and
27134 think it's a conspiracy to keep them from their God given right to
27135 receive Net Mail ..."
27136 -- Leith (Casey) Leedom
27138 If Karl, instead of writing a lot about Capital,
27139 had made a lot of Capital, it would have been much better.
27140 -- Karl Marx's Mother
27142 If life gives you lemons, make lemonade.
27144 If life is a stage, I want some better lighting.
27146 If life is merely a joke, the question
27147 still remains: for whose amusement?
27149 If life isn't what you wanted, have you asked for anything else?
27151 If little else, the brain is an educational toy.
27154 If little green men land in your back yard, hide any little green women
27155 you've got in the house.
27156 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
27158 If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question?
27161 If Love Were Oil, I'd Be About A Quart Low
27162 -- Book title by Lewis Grizzard
27164 If Machiavelli were a hacker, he'd have worked for the CSSG.
27167 If Machiavelli were a programmer, he'd have worked for AT&T.
27169 If man is only a little lower than the angels, the angels should reform.
27170 -- Mary Wilson Little
27172 If mathematically you end up with the wrong answer, try multiplying by
27175 If men acted after marriage as they do during courtship, there would
27176 be fewer divorces -- and more bankruptcies.
27179 If men are not afraid to die,
27180 it is of no avail to threaten them with death.
27182 If men live in constant fear of dying,
27183 And if breaking the law means a man will be killed,
27184 Who will dare to break the law?
27186 There is always an official executioner.
27187 If you try to take his place,
27188 It is like trying to be a master carpenter and cutting wood.
27189 If you try to cut wood like a master carpenter,
27190 you will only hurt your hand.
27191 -- Tao Te Ching, "Lao Tsu, #74"
27193 If money can't buy happiness, I guess you'll just have to rent it.
27195 If more of us valued food and cheer and song above hoarded gold, it would
27196 be a merrier world.
27197 -- J. R. R. Tolkien
27199 "If once a man indulges himself in murder, very soon he comes to think
27200 little of robbing; and from robbing he next comes to drinking and
27201 Sabbath-breaking, and from that to incivility and procrastination."
27202 -- Thomas De Quincey (1785-1859)
27204 If one cannot enjoy reading a book over and
27205 over again, there is no use in reading it at all.
27208 If one inquires why the American tradition is so strong against any connection
27209 of State and Church, why it dreads even the rudiments of religious teaching
27210 in state-maintained schools, the immediate and superficial answer is not
27211 far to seek. ... The cause lay largely in the diversity and vitality of the
27212 various denominations, each fairly sure that, with a fair field and no favor,
27213 it could make its own way; and each animated by a jealous fear that, if any
27214 connection of State and Church were permitted, some rival denomination would
27215 get an unfair advantage.
27216 -- John Dewey, "Democracy in the Schools", 1908
27218 If one studies too zealously, one easily loses his pants.
27221 If one tells the truth, one is sure, sooner or later, to be found out.
27222 -- Oscar Wilde, "Phrases and Philosophies for the Use
27225 If only Dionysus were alive! Where would he eat?
27228 If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit
27229 in my name at a Swiss bank.
27230 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
27232 If only I could be respected without having to be respectable.
27234 If only one could get that wonderful feeling of accomplishment without
27235 having to accomplish anything.
27237 If only you could be respected without having to be respectable.
27239 If only you had a personality instead of an attitude.
27241 If only you knew she loved you, you could
27242 face the uncertainty of whether you love her.
27244 If opportunity came disguised as temptation, one knock would be enough.
27246 If parents would only realize how they bore their children.
27247 -- George Bernard Shaw
27249 If Patrick Henry thought that taxation without representation was bad,
27250 he should see how bad it is with representation.
27252 If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward,
27253 then we are a sorry lot indeed.
27256 If people concentrated on the really important things in life,
27257 there'd be a shortage of fishing poles.
27260 If people drank ink instead of Schlitz, they'd be better off.
27261 -- Edward E. Hippensteel
27263 [What brand of ink? Ed.]
27265 If people have to choose between freedom and sandwiches, they
27266 will take sandwiches.
27269 Eats first, morals after.
27270 -- Bertolt Brecht, "The Threepenny Opera"
27272 If people say that here and there someone has been taken away and maltreated,
27273 I can only reply: You can't make an omelette without breaking eggs.
27276 If people see that you mean them no harm,
27277 they'll never hurt you, nine times out of ten!
27279 If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice?
27281 If preceded by a '-', the timezone shall be east of the Prime
27282 Meridian; otherwise, it shall be west (which may be indicated by
27283 an optional preceding '+').
27286 The "+" or "-" indicates whether the time-of-day is ahead of
27287 (i.e., east of) or behind (i.e., west of) Universal Time.
27290 If pregnancy were a book they would cut the last two chapters.
27291 -- Nora Ephron, "Heartburn"
27293 If pro is the opposite of con, what is the opposite of progress?
27295 If puns were deli meat, this would be the wurst.
27297 If rabbits feet are so lucky, what happened to the rabbit?
27299 If reporters don't know that truth is plural, they ought to be lawyers.
27302 If researchers wrote nursery rhymes...
27304 Little Miss Muffet sat on her gluteal region,
27305 Eating components of soured milk.
27306 On at least one occasion,
27307 along came an arachnid and sat down beside her,
27308 Or at least in her vicinity,
27309 And caused her to feel an overwhelming, but not paralyzing, fear,
27310 Which motivated the patient to leave the area rather quickly.
27311 -- Ann Melugin Williams
27313 If Ricky Schroder and Gary Coleman had a fight on television with
27314 pool cues, who would win?
27317 3) The television viewing public
27320 If sarcasm were posted on Usenet, would anybody notice?
27323 If scientific reasoning were limited to the logical processes of
27324 arithmetic, we should not get very far in our understanding of the
27325 physical world. One might as well attempt to grasp the game of poker
27326 entirely by the use of the mathematics of probability.
27329 If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many
27333 If she had not been cupric in her ions,
27335 Their romance might have flourished.
27336 But he built tetrahedral in his shape,
27338 Love could not help but die,
27339 Uncatalyzed, inert, and undernourished.
27341 If society fits you comfortably enough, you call it freedom.
27344 If some people didn't tell you,
27345 you'd never know they'd been away on vacation.
27347 If someone had told me I would be Pope one day, I would have studied
27349 -- Pope John Paul I
27351 If someone says he will do something "without fail", he won't.
27353 If something has not yet gone wrong then it would
27354 ultimately have been beneficial for it to go wrong.
27356 If swimming is so good for your figure, how come whales look the
27359 "If that makes any sense to you, you have a big problem."
27360 -- C. Durance, Computer Science 234
27362 If the aborigine drafted an IQ test, all of Western civilization would
27363 presumably flunk it.
27366 If the American dream is for Americans only, it will remain our dream
27367 and never be our destiny.
27368 -- Rene de Visme Williamson
27370 If the automobile had followed the same development as the computer, a
27371 Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon,
27372 and explode once a year killing everyone inside.
27373 -- Robert Cringely, InfoWorld
27375 If the church put in half the time on covetousness that it does on lust,
27376 this would be a better world.
27377 -- Garrison Keillor, "Lake Wobegon Days"
27379 If the code and the comments disagree, then both are probably wrong.
27382 If the colleges were better, if they really had it, you would need to
27383 get the police at the gates to keep order in the inrushing multitude.
27384 See in college how we thwart the natural love of learning by leaving
27385 the natural method of teaching what each wishes to learn, and insisting
27386 that you shall learn what you have no taste or capacity for. The
27387 college, which should be a place of delightful labor, is made odious
27388 and unhealthy, and the young men are tempted to frivolous amusements to
27389 rally their jaded spirits. I would have the studies elective.
27390 Scholarship is to be created not by compulsion, but by awakening a pure
27391 interest in knowledge. The wise instructor accomplishes this by
27392 opening to his pupils precisely the attractions the study has for
27393 himself. The marking is a system for schools, not for the college; for
27394 boys, not for men; and it is an ungracious work to put on a professor.
27395 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
27397 If the designers of X-window built cars, there would be no fewer than five
27398 steering wheels hidden about the cockpit, none of which followed the same
27399 principles -- but you'd be able to shift gears with your car stereo. Useful
27401 -- From the programming notebooks of a heretic, 1990
27403 If the ends don't justify the means, then what does?
27406 If the English language made any sense, lackadaisical
27407 would have something to do with a shortage of flowers.
27410 [Not to mention, butterfly would be flutterby. Ed.]
27412 If the facts don't fit the theory, change the facts.
27415 If the future isn't what it used to be, does that
27416 mean that the past is subject to change in times to come?
27418 If the girl you love moves in with another guy once, it's more than enough.
27419 Twice, it's much too much. Three times, it's the story of your life.
27421 If the government doesn't trust the people, why
27422 doesn't it dissolve them and elect a new people?
27424 If the grass is greener on other side of fence,
27425 consider what may be fertilizing it.
27427 If the human brain were so simple that we could understand it,
27428 we would be so simple we couldn't.
27430 "If the King's English was good enough for Jesus, it's good enough for
27432 -- "Ma" Ferguson, Governor of Texas (circa 1920)
27434 If the Lord God Almighty had consulted me before embarking upon the Creation,
27435 I would have recommended something simpler.
27436 -- Alfonso the Wise, 13th Century King of Castile,
27437 Commenting on the Almagest, by Ptolemy.
27439 If the master dies and the disciple grieves,
27440 the lives of both have been wasted.
27442 If the meanings of "true" and "false" were switched,
27443 then this sentence would not be false.
27445 If the Nazi's had television with satellite technology, we'd all be
27446 goose-stepping. Americans are just as suggestible.
27449 If the odds are a million to one against something occurring, chances
27452 If the path be beautiful, let us not ask where it leads.
27455 If the rich could pay the poor to die for them,
27456 what a living the poor could make!
27458 If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
27460 If the standard says that [things] depend on the phase of the moon,
27461 the programmer should be prepared to look out the window as necessary.
27464 If the thunder don't get you, then the lightning will.
27466 If the vendors started doing everything right, we would be out of a job.
27467 Let's hear it for OSI and X! With those babies in the wings, we can count
27468 on being employed until we drop, or get smart and switch to gardening,
27469 paper folding, or something.
27472 If the very old will remember, the very young will listen.
27473 -- Chief Dan George
27475 If the weather is extremely bad, church attendance will be down. If
27476 the weather is extremely good, church attendance will be down. If the
27477 bulletin covers are in short supply, however, church attendance will
27478 exceed all expectations.
27479 -- Reverend Chichester
27481 If there are epigrams, there must be meta-epigrams.
27483 If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that
27484 will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.
27486 If there is a sin against life, it consists perhaps not so much in despairing
27487 of life as in hoping for another life and in eluding the implacable grandeur
27491 If there is a wrong way to do something, then someone will do it.
27492 -- Edward A. Murphy Jr.
27494 If there is any realistic deterrent to marriage, it's the fact that you
27495 can't afford divorce.
27498 If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?
27501 If there is no wind, row.
27504 If there really was a Jewish conspiracy to run the world, my rabbi would
27505 have let me in on it by now. I contribute enough to the shule.
27508 If there was any justice in the world, "trust" would be a four-letter word.
27510 If there were a school for, say, sheet metal workers, that after three
27511 years left its graduates as unprepared for their careers as does law
27512 school, it would be closed down in a minute, and no doubt by lawyers.
27513 -- Michael Levin, "The Socratic Method
27515 If they can make penicillin out of moldy bread, they can sure make
27516 something out of you.
27519 If they sent one man to the moon, why can't they send them all?
27521 If they think you're crude, go technical; if they think you're technical,
27522 go crude. I'm a very technical boy. So I get as crude as possible. These
27523 days, though, you have to be pretty technical before you can even aspire
27527 If they were so inclined, they could impeach
27528 him because they don't like his necktie.
27529 -- Attorney General William Saxbe
27531 If things don't improve soon, you'd better ask them to stop helping you.
27533 If this fortune didn't exist, somebody would have invented it.
27535 If this is timesharing, give me my share right now.
27538 If time heals all wounds, how come the belly button stays the same?
27540 If today is the first day of the rest of your life, what the hell was
27543 If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library?
27546 If two men agree on everything, you may be sure that one of them is
27547 doing the thinking.
27548 -- Lyndon B. Johnson
27550 If two men agree on everything, you may be sure that one of them is
27551 doing the thinking.
27552 -- Lyndon B. Johnson
27554 Jerry Ford is a nice guy, but he played too much football with his
27556 -- Lyndon B. Johnson
27558 I do not believe that this generation of Americans is willing to resign
27559 itself to going to bed each night by the light of a Communist moon.
27560 -- Lyndon B. Johnson
27562 If two people love each other, there can be no happy end to it.
27563 -- Ernest Hemingway
27565 If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.
27566 -- Laurence J. Peter
27568 If two wrongs don't make a right, try three wrongs.
27570 "If value corrupts then absolute value corrupts absolutely."
27572 If voting could change the system, it would be illegal.
27573 If not voting could change the system, it would be illegal.
27575 If we all work together, we can totally disrupt the system.
27577 If we can ever make red tape nutritional, we can feed the world.
27578 -- R. Schaeberle, "Management Accounting"
27580 If we could sell our experiences for what they cost us, we would
27581 all be millionaires.
27582 -- Abigail Van Buren
27584 If we do not change our direction we are
27585 likely to end up where we are headed.
27587 If we don't survive, we don't do anything else.
27590 If we men married the women we deserved, we should have a very bad time
27594 "If we relied conclusively on scientific data for every one of our
27595 findings, I'm afraid all of our work would be inconclusive."
27596 -- Henry Hudson, of the Meese Pornography Commission, on
27597 criticism of its conclusion that pornography causes sex
27600 If we see the light at the end of the tunnel
27601 It's the light of an oncoming train.
27604 If we spoke a different language, we
27605 would perceive a somewhat different world.
27608 If we suffer tamely a lawless attack upon our liberty,
27609 we encourage it, and involve others in our doom.
27612 "If we were meant to fly, we wouldn't keep losing our luggage."
27614 If we were meant to get up early, God would have created us
27617 If we won't stand together, we don't stand a chance.
27619 If what they've been doing hasn't solved the problem, tell them to
27621 -- Gerald Weinberg, "The Secrets of Consulting"
27623 If while you are in school, there is a shortage of qualified personnel
27624 in a particular field, then by the time you graduate with the necessary
27625 qualifications, that field's employment market is glutted.
27626 -- Marguerite Emmons
27628 If wishes were horses, then beggars would be thieves.
27630 If women are supposed to be less rational and more emotional at the
27631 beginning of our menstrual cycle, when the female hormone is at its
27632 lowest level, then why isn't it logical to say that in those few days
27633 women behave the most like the way men behave all month long?
27636 If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.
27637 -- Aristotle Onassis
27639 If you always postpone pleasure you will never have it.
27640 Quit work and play for once!
27642 If you analyse anything, you destroy it.
27645 If you are a fatalist, what can you do about it?
27646 -- Ann Edwards-Duff
27648 If you are a police dog, where's your badge?
27649 -- Question James Thurber used to drive his German Shepherd
27652 If you are afraid of loneliness, don't marry.
27655 If you are going to walk on thin ice, you may as well dance.
27657 If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are real
27658 good, you will get out of it.
27660 If you are honest because honesty is the best policy,
27661 your honesty is corrupt.
27663 If you are looking for a kindly, well-to-do older gentleman who is no
27664 longer interested in sex, take out an ad in The Wall Street Journal.
27665 -- Abigail Van Buren
27667 If you are not for yourself, who will be for you?
27668 If you are for yourself, then what are you?
27671 If you are of the opinion that the contemplation of suicide is sufficient
27672 evidence of a poetic nature, do not forget that actions speak louder than
27674 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life"
27676 If you are over 80 years old and accompanied
27677 by your parents, we will cash your check.
27679 If you are shooting under 80 you are neglecting your business;
27680 over 80 you are neglecting your golf.
27683 If you are smart enough to know that you're not
27684 smart enough to be an Engineer, then you're in Business.
27686 If you are too busy to read, then you are too busy.
27688 If you are what you eat, does that mean Euelle Gibbons really was a nut?
27690 If you aren't rich you should always look useful.
27691 -- Louis-Ferdinand Celine
27693 "If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars."
27696 If you can keep your head when all about you are losing
27697 theirs, then you clearly don't understand the situation.
27699 If you can lead it to water and force it to drink, it isn't a horse.
27701 If you can read this, you're too close.
27703 If you can survive death, you can probably survive anything.
27705 If you cannot convince them, confuse them.
27708 If you cannot in the long run tell everyone
27709 what you have been doing, your doing was worthless.
27710 -- Edwin Schrodinger
27712 If you can't be good, be careful. If you can't be careful, give me a
27715 If you can't convince them, confuse them.
27718 If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.
27720 If you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly.
27722 If you can't read this, blame a teacher.
27724 If you can't say anything good about someone, sit right here by me.
27725 -- Alice Roosevelt Longworth
27727 If you can't understand it, it is intuitively obvious.
27729 If you catch a man, throw him back.
27730 -- Woman's Liberation Slogan, c. 1975
27732 If you continually give you will continually have.
27734 If you could only get that wonderful feeling of
27735 accomplishment without having to accomplish anything.
27737 If you didn't get caught, did you really do it?
27739 If you didn't have most of your friends,
27740 you wouldn't have most of your problems.
27742 If you didn't have to work so hard,
27743 you'd have more time to be depressed.
27745 If you do not think about the future, you cannot have one.
27748 If you do not wish a man to do a thing, you had better get him to talk about
27749 it; for the more men talk, the more likely they are to do nothing else.
27752 If you do something right once, someone will ask you to do it again.
27754 If you don't care where you are, then you ain't lost.
27756 If you don't count some of Jehovah's injunctions, there are no humorists
27758 -- Mordecai Richler
27760 If you don't do it, you'll never know what
27761 would have happened if you had done it.
27763 If you don't do the things that are not worth doing, who will?
27765 If you don't drink it, someone else will.
27767 If you don't go to other men's funerals they won't go to yours.
27770 If you don't have a nasty obituary you probably didn't matter.
27773 If you don't have the time right now,
27774 will you have redo right time later?
27776 If you don't have time to do it right, where
27777 are you going to find the time to do it over?
27779 If you don't know what game you're playing, don't ask what the score is.
27781 If you don't like the way I drive, stay off the sidewalk!
27783 If you don't say anything, you won't be called on to repeat it.
27786 If you don't strike oil in twenty minutes, stop boring.
27787 -- Andrew Carnegie, on public speaking
27789 "If you don't want your dog to have bad breath, do what I do:
27790 Pour a little Lavoris in the toilet."
27793 If you drink, don't park. Accidents make people.
27795 If you eat a live frog in the morning, nothing worse will happen to
27796 either of you for the rest of the day.
27798 "If you ever want to get anywhere in politics, my boy, you're going to
27799 have to get a toehold in the public eye."
27801 If you ever want to have a lot of fun, I recommend that you go off and program
27802 an embedded system. The salient characteristic of an embedded system is that
27803 it cannot be allowed to get into a state from which only direct intervention
27804 will suffice to remove it. An embedded system can't permanently trust anything
27805 it hears from the outside world. It must sniff around, adapt, consider, sniff
27806 around, and adapt again. I'm not talking about ordinary modular programming
27807 carefulness here. No. Programming an embedded system calls for undiluted
27808 raging maniacal paranoia. For example, our ethernet front ends need to know
27809 what network number they are on so that they can address and route PUPs
27810 properly. How do you find out what your network number is? Easy, you ask a
27811 gateway. Gateways are required by definition to know their correct network
27812 numbers. Once you've got your network number, you start using it and before
27813 you can blink you've got it wired into fifteen different sockets spread all
27814 over creation. Now what happens when the panic-stricken operator realizes he
27815 was running the wrong version of the gateway which was giving out the wrong
27816 network number? Never supposed to happen. Tough. Supposing that your
27817 software discovers that the gateway is now giving out a different network
27818 number than before, what's it supposed to do about it? This is not discussed
27819 in the protocol document. Never supposed to happen. Tough. I think you
27822 If you explain so clearly that nobody can misunderstand, somebody
27825 If you explain something so clearly that no
27826 one can possibly misunderstand, someone will.
27828 If you fail to plan, plan to fail.
27830 If you find a solution and become attached to it,
27831 the solution may become your next problem.
27833 If you flaunt it, expect to have it trashed.
27835 If you float on instinct alone, how can you
27836 calculate the buoyancy for the computed load?
27837 -- Christopher Hodder-Williams
27839 If you fool around with something long
27840 enough, it will eventually break.
27842 If you give a man enough rope, he'll claim he's tied up at the office.
27844 If you give Congress a chance to vote on both sides of an issue, it
27846 -- Les Aspin, D., Wisconsin
27848 If you go on with this nuclear arms race, all you are going to do is
27849 make the rubble bounce.
27850 -- Winston Churchill
27852 If you go out of your mind, do it quietly,
27853 so as not to disturb those around you.
27855 If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and your friends are
27856 all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were
27860 If you had any brains, you'd be dangerous.
27862 If you had better tools, you could more
27863 effectively demonstrate your total incompetence.
27865 If you had just one moment to live
27866 And they granted you one special wish
27867 Would you ask for something
27868 Like another chance.
27869 -- Traffic, "The Low Spark of Hi Heeled Boys"
27871 If you hands are clean and your cause is just
27872 and your demands are reasonable, at least it's a start.
27874 If you have a procedure with 10 parameters, you probably missed some.
27876 If you have never been hated by your child, you have never been a parent.
27879 If you have nothing to do, don't do it here.
27881 If you have received a letter inviting you to speak at the dedication of a
27882 new cat hospital, and you hate cats, your reply, declining the invitation,
27883 does not necessarily have to cover the full range of your emotions. You must
27884 make it clear that you will not attend, but you do not have to let fly at cats.
27885 The writer of the letter asked a civil question; attack cats, then, only if
27886 you can do so with good humor, good taste, and in such a way that your answer
27887 will be courteous as well as responsive. Since you are out of sympathy with
27888 cats, you may quite properly give this as a reason for not appearing at the
27889 dedication ceremonies of a cat hospital. But bear in mind that your opinion
27890 of cats was not sought, only your services as a speaker. Try to keep things
27892 -- Strunk and White, "The Elements of Style"
27894 If you have seen one city slum you have seen them all.
27897 If you have to ask how much it is, you can't afford it.
27899 If you have to ask what jazz is, you'll never know.
27902 If you have to hate, hate gently.
27904 If you have to think twice about it, you're wrong.
27906 If you haven't enjoyed the material in the last few lectures then a career
27907 in chartered accountancy beckons.
27908 -- Advice from the lecturer in the middle of the Stochastic
27911 If you hype something and it succeeds, you're a genius -- it wasn't a
27912 hype. If you hype it and it fails, then it was just a hype.
27915 If you just try long enough and hard enough, you can always manage to
27916 boot yourself in the posterior.
27917 -- A. J. Liebling, "The Press"
27919 If you keep an open mind people will throw a lot of garbage in it.
27921 If you keep anything long enough, you can throw it away.
27923 If you keep your mind sufficiently open, people will throw a lot of
27927 If you knew what to say next, would you say it?
27929 If you know the answer to a question, don't ask.
27932 If you laid all of our laws end to end, there would be no end.
27935 If you laid all the Elvis impersonators in the world, end to end...
27936 you'd wanna run and get a steam roller, real fast.
27939 If you learn one useless thing every day, in a single year you'll learn
27940 365 useless things.
27942 If you liked the Earth you'll love Heaven.
27944 If you live in a country run by committee, be on the committee.
27947 If you live long enough, you'll see that every victory turns into a defeat.
27948 -- Simone De Beauvoir
27950 If you live to the age of a hundred you have it made because very few
27951 people die past the age of a hundred.
27954 If you lived today as if it were your last, you'd buy up a box of rockets
27955 and fire them all off, wouldn't you?
27956 -- Garrison Keillor
27958 If you look good and dress well, you don't need a purpose in life.
27959 -- Robert Pante, fashion consultant
27961 If you look like your driver's license photo -- see a doctor.
27962 If you look like your passport photo -- it's too late for a doctor.
27964 If you lose a son you can always get another,
27965 but there's only one Maltese Falcon.
27966 -- Sidney Greenstreet, "The Maltese Falcon"
27968 If you lose your temper at a newspaper columnist, he'll get rich,
27971 If you love someone, set them free.
27972 If they don't come back, then call them up when you're drunk.
27974 If you love something set it free. If it doesn't
27975 come back to you, hunt it down and kill it.
27977 If you make a mistake you right it
27978 immediately to the best of your ability.
27980 If you make any money, the government shoves you in the creek once a year
27981 with it in your pockets, and all that don't get wet you can keep.
27982 -- The Best of Will Rogers
27984 If you make people think they're thinking, they'll love you;
27985 but if you really make them think they'll hate you.
27987 If you marry a man who cheats on his wife, you'll
27988 be married to a man who cheats on his wife.
27991 If you mess with a thing long enough, it'll break.
27994 If you MUST get married, it is always advisable to marry beauty.
27995 Otherwise, you'll never find anybody to take her off your hands.
27997 If you need anything just whistle.
27998 You know how to whistle, don't you, Steve?
27999 Just put your lips together and blow.
28000 -- Lauren Bacall, "To Have and Have Not"
28002 If you notice that a person is deceiving you,
28003 they must not be deceiving you very well.
28005 If you only have a hammer, you tend to see every problem as a nail.
28008 If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which a procedure
28009 can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way will promptly
28012 If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite
28013 you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
28016 If you push the "extra ice" button on the soft drink vending machine,
28017 you won't get any ice. If you push the "no ice" button, you'll get
28020 If you put garbage in a computer nothing comes out but garbage. But
28021 this garbage, having passed through a very expensive machine, is
28022 somehow ennobled and none dare criticize it.
28024 If you put it off long enough, it might go away.
28026 If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out but tomfoolery.
28027 But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine,
28028 is somehow ennobled and no-one dare criticise it.
28031 If you put your supper dish to your ear you can hear the sounds of a
28035 If you really want to do something new, the good won't help you with it.
28036 Let me have men about me that are arrant knaves. The wicked, who have
28037 something on their conscience, are obliging, quick to hear threats, because
28038 they know how it's done, and for booty. You can offer them things because
28039 they will take them. Because they have no hesitations. You can hang them
28040 if they get out of step. Let me have men about me that are utter villains
28041 -- provided that I have the power, the absolute power, over life and death.
28044 If you refuse to accept anything but the best you very often get it.
28046 If you remember the 60's, you weren't there.
28048 If you resist reading what you disagree with, how will you ever acquire
28049 deeper insights into what you believe? The things most worth reading
28050 are precisely those that challenge our convictions.
28052 If you see an onion ring -- answer it!
28054 If you sell diamonds, you cannot expect to have many customers.
28055 But a diamond is a diamond even if there are no customers.
28056 -- Swami Prabhupada
28058 If you sit down at a poker game and don't see a sucker, get up. You're
28061 If you sow your wild oats, hope for a crop failure.
28063 If you stand on your head, you will get footprints in your hair.
28065 If you steal from one author it's plagiarism; if you steal from
28066 many it's research.
28069 If you stew apples like cranberries,
28070 they taste more like prunes than rhubarb does.
28073 If you stick a stock of liquor in your locker,
28074 It is slick to stick a lock upon your stock.
28075 Or some joker who is slicker,
28076 Will trick you of your liquor,
28077 If you fail to lock your liquor with a lock.
28079 If you stick your head in the sand,
28080 one thing is for sure, you're gonna get your rear kicked.
28082 If you suspect a man, don't employ him.
28084 If you talk to God, you are praying; if God talks to you, you have
28088 If you teach your children to like computers and to know how to gamble
28089 then they'll always be interested in something and won't come to no real
28092 If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.
28095 If you think before you speak the other guy gets his joke in first.
28097 If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.
28098 -- Derek Bok, president of Harvard
28100 If you think last Tuesday was a drag, wait till you see what happens
28103 If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car
28107 If you think the pen is mightier than the sword, the next time
28108 someone pulls out a sword I'd like to see you get up there with
28111 If you think the problem is bad now, just wait until we've solved it.
28114 If you think the system is working,
28115 ask someone who's waiting for a prompt.
28117 If you think the United States has stood still, who built the largest
28118 shopping center in the world?
28121 If you think things can't get worse it's probably only because you
28122 lack sufficient imagination.
28124 If you throw a New Year's Party, the worst thing that you can do would
28125 be to throw the kind of party where your guests wake up today, and call
28126 you to say they had a nice time. Now you'll be be expected to throw
28127 another party next year.
28129 What you should do is throw the kind of party where your guest wake up
28130 several days from now and call their lawyers to find out if they've
28131 been indicted for anything. You want your guests to be so anxious to
28132 avoid a recurrence of your party that they immediately start planning
28133 parties of their own, a year in advance, just to prevent you from
28134 having another one ...
28136 If your party is successful, the police will knock on your door, unless
28137 your party is very successful in which case they will lob tear gas
28138 through your living room window. As host, your job is to make sure
28139 that they don't arrest anybody. Or if they're dead set on arresting
28140 someone, your job is to make sure it isn't you ...
28143 If you took all of the grains of sand in the world, and lined
28144 them up end to end in a row, you'd be working for the government!
28147 If you took all the students that felt asleep in class and laid them
28148 end to end, they'd be a lot more comfortable.
28149 -- "Graffiti in the Big Ten"
28151 If you took all the women at the Harvard Prom
28152 and laid them end to end, I wouldn't be a bit surprised.
28155 If you treat people right they will treat you right -- 90% of the time.
28158 If you try to please everyone, somebody is not going to like it.
28160 If you understand what you're doing, you're not learning anything.
28163 If you wait long enough, it will go away... after having
28164 done its damage. If it was bad, it will be back.
28166 If you want divine justice, die.
28169 If you want me to be a good little bunny
28170 just dangle some carats in front of my nose.
28173 If you want to be ruined, marry a rich woman.
28176 If you want to get rich from writing, write the sort of thing that's
28177 read by persons who move their lips when they're reading to themselves.
28180 If you want to know how old a man is, ask his brother-in-law.
28182 If you want to know what god thinks of money, just look at the people
28186 If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.
28189 If you want to put yourself on the map, publish your own map.
28191 If you want to read about love and marriage you've got to buy two separate
28195 If you want to see card tricks, you have to expect to take cards.
28196 -- Harry Blackstone
28198 If you want to understand your government, don't begin by reading the
28199 Constitution. It conveys precious little of the flavor of today's
28200 statecraft. Instead, read selected portions of the Washington
28201 telephone directory containing listings for all the organizations with
28202 titles beginning with the word "National".
28205 If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every
28206 word you say, talk in your sleep.
28208 "If you wants to get elected president, you'se got to think up some
28209 memoraboble homily so's school kids can be pestered into memorizin' it,
28210 even if they don't know what it means."
28211 -- Walt Kelly, "The Pogo Party"
28213 If you waste your time cooking, you'll miss the next meal.
28215 If you will practice being fictional for a while, you will understand that
28216 fictional characters are sometimes more real than people with bodies and
28219 If you wish to be happy for one hour, get drunk.
28220 If you wish to be happy for three days, get married.
28221 If you wish to be happy for a month, kill your pig and eat it.
28222 If you wish to be happy forever, learn to fish.
28225 If you wish to live wisely, ignore sayings -- including this one.
28227 If you wish to succeed, consult three old people.
28229 If you wish women to love you, be original; I know a man who wore fur
28230 boots summer and winter, and women fell in love with him.
28233 If you work for a man, in heaven's name, work for him.
28234 If he pays you wages which supply you bread and butter, work for him; speak
28235 well of him; stand by him, and by the institution he represents.
28236 If put to a pinch, an ounce of loyalty is worth a pound of cleverness.
28237 If you must vilify, condemn and eternally find disparage -- resign your
28238 position, and when you are outside, damn to your heart's content...
28239 but, as long as you are part of the institution do not condemn it.
28240 If you do that, you are loosening the tendrils that are holding you to the
28241 institution, and at the first high wind that comes along, you will
28242 be uprooted and blown away, and probably will never know the reason
28245 If you would keep a secret from an enemy, tell it not to a friend.
28247 If you would know the value of money, go try to borrow some.
28248 -- Benjamin Franklin
28250 If you would understand your own age, read the works
28251 of fiction produced in it. People in disguise speak freely.
28253 If you'd like to cultivate insomnia,
28254 Bed down with a pretty girl.
28257 If your aim in life is nothing; you can't miss.
28259 If your bread is stale, make toast.
28261 If your enemy is buried in quicksand up to his neck, pull him out.
28262 If he is buried up to his eyes, step on his head.
28263 -- Niccolo Machiavelli, "The Prince"
28265 If your happiness depends on what somebody else does,
28266 I guess you do have a problem.
28267 -- Richard Bach, "Illusions"
28269 If your life was a horse, you'd have to shoot it.
28271 If your mother knew what you're doing,
28272 she'd probably hang her head and cry.
28274 If your parents don't have kids, neither will you.
28276 If your sexual fantasies were truly of interest to others, they would no
28277 longer be fantasies.
28280 If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's real
28281 embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.
28284 If you're careful enough, nothing
28285 bad or good will ever happen to you.
28287 If you're carrying a torch, put it down.
28288 The Olympics are over.
28290 If you're constantly being mistreated,
28291 you're cooperating with the treatment.
28293 If you're crossing the nation in a covered wagon, it's better to have four
28294 strong oxen than 100 chickens. Chickens are OK but we can't make them work
28296 -- Ross Bott, Pyramid U.S., on multiprocessors at AUUGM '89
28298 If you're going to America, bring your own food.
28299 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"
28301 If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for
28302 tomorrow morning, sleep late.
28305 If you're going to walk on thin ice, you might as well dance.
28307 If you're happy, you're successful.
28309 If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
28311 If you're not very clever you should be conciliatory.
28312 -- Benjamin Disraeli
28314 If you're right 90% of the time, why quibble about the remaining 3%?
28316 If you're worried by earthquakes and nuclear war,
28317 As well as by traffic and crime,
28318 Consider how worry-free gophers are,
28319 Though living on burrowed time.
28320 -- Richard Armour, WSJ, 11/7/83
28322 "If you've done six impossible things before breakfast, why not round
28323 it off with dinner at Milliway's, the restaurant at the end of the
28326 If you've seen one redwood, you've seen them all.
28330 The overlapping moment of time when the hand is locking the car
28331 door even as the brain is saying, "my keys are in there!"
28332 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
28335 When you don't know anything, and someone else finds out.
28337 Ignorance is bliss.
28340 Fortune updates the great quotes, #42:
28341 BLISS is ignorance.
28343 Ignorance is never out of style. It was in fashion yesterday, it is the
28344 rage today, and it will set the pace tomorrow.
28345 -- Franklin K. Dane
28347 Ignorance is when you don't know anything and somebody finds it out.
28349 Ignorance must certainly be bliss or there wouldn't be so many people
28350 so resolutely pursuing it.
28352 Ignore previous fortune.
28354 Il brilgue: les t^
\boves libricilleux
28355 Se gyrent et frillant dans le guave,
28356 Enm^
\bim'
\bes sont les gougebosquex,
28357 Et le m^
\bomerade horgrave.
28358 -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass"
28360 Il brilgue: les toves libricilleux
28361 Se gyrent et frillant dans le guave,
28362 Enmimes sont les gougebosquex,
28363 Et le momerade horgrave.
28365 Es brilig war. Die schlichte Toven
28366 Wirrten und wimmelten in Waben;
28367 Und aller-mumsige Burggoven
28368 Dir mohmen Rath ausgraben.
28371 There is always an easier way to do it. When looking directly
28372 at the easy way, especially for long periods, you will not see it.
28375 I'll be comfortable on the couch. Famous last words.
28378 I'll be Grateful when they're Dead.
28380 I'll burn my books.
28381 -- Christopher Marlowe
28383 I'll carry your books, I'll carry a tune, I'll carry on, carry over,
28384 carry forward, Cary Grant, cash & carry, Carry Me Back To Old Virginia,
28385 I'll even Hara Kari if you show me how, but I will *not* carry a gun.
28386 -- Hawkeye, M*A*S*H
28388 I'll defend to the death your right to say that, but I never said I'd
28390 -- Tom Galloway with apologies to Voltaire
28392 I'll give you my opinion of the human race in a nutshell ... their heart's
28393 in the right place, but their head is a thoroughly inefficient organ.
28394 -- W. Somerset Maugham, "The Summing Up"
28396 I'll grant thee random access to my heart,
28397 Thoul't tell me all the constants of thy love;
28398 And so we two shall all love's lemmas prove
28399 And in our bound partition never part.
28400 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
28402 I'll grant thee random access to my heart,
28403 Thou'lt tell me all the constants of thy love;
28404 And so we two shall all love's lemmas prove
28405 And in our bound partition never part.
28407 Cancel me not -- for what then shall remain?
28408 Abscissas, some mantissas, modules, modes,
28409 A root or two, a torus and a node:
28410 The inverse of my verse, a null domain.
28412 I see the eigenvalue in thine eye,
28413 I hear the tender tensor in thy sigh.
28414 Bernoulli would have been content to die
28415 Had he but known such a-squared cos 2(thi)!
28417 I'll learn to play the Saxophone,
28418 I play just what I feel.
28419 Drink Scotch whisky all night long,
28420 And die behind the wheel.
28421 They got a name for the winners in the world,
28422 I want a name when I lose.
28423 They call Alabama the Crimson Tide,
28424 Call me Deacon Blues.
28425 -- Becker and Fagan, "Deacon Blues"
28427 I'll meet you... on the dark side of the moon...
28430 I'll never get off this planet.
28433 I'll pretend to trust you if you'll pretend to trust me.
28435 "I'll rob that rich person and give it to some poor deserving slob.
28436 That will *prove* I'm Robin Hood."
28437 -- Daffy Duck, "Robin Hood Daffy", [1958, Chuck Jones]
28439 I'll turn over a new leaf.
28440 -- Miguel de Cervantes
28442 Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask
28446 Immigration is the sincerest form of flattery.
28449 Illegitimi non carborundum
28450 (translation: no carbonated drinks allowed.)
28452 Illinois isn't exactly the land that God forgot -- it's more like the
28453 land He's trying to ignore.
28455 Illiterate? Write today, for free help!
28457 Illusion is the first of all pleasures.
28460 "I'm a creationist; I refuse to believe that I could have evolved from
28463 "I'm a doctor, not a mechanic."
28464 -- "The Doomsday Machine", when asked if he had heard of
28465 the idea of a doomsday machine.
28466 "I'm a doctor, not an escalator."
28467 -- "Friday's Child", when asked to help the very pregnant
28468 Ellen up a steep incline.
28469 "I'm a doctor, not a bricklayer."
28470 -- "Devil in the Dark", when asked to patch up the Horta.
28471 "I'm a doctor, not an engineer."
28472 -- "Mirror, Mirror", when asked by Scotty for help in
28473 Engineering aboard the USS Enterprise.
28474 "I'm a doctor, not a coalminer."
28475 -- "The Empath", on being beneath the surface of Minara 2.
28476 "I'm a surgeon, not a psychiatrist."
28477 -- "City on the Edge of Forever", on Edith Keeler's remark
28478 that Kirk talked strangely.
28479 "I'm no magician, Spock, just an old country doctor."
28480 -- "The Deadly Years", to Spock while trying to cure the
28481 aging effects of the rogue comet near Gamma Hydra 4.
28482 "What am I, a doctor or a moonshuttle conductor?"
28483 -- "The Corbomite Maneuver", when Kirk rushed off from a
28484 physical exam to answer the alert.
28486 I'm a Hollywood writer; so I put on
28487 a sports jacket and take off my brain.
28489 I'm a Lisp variable -- bind me!
28491 I'm a lucky guy, and I'm happy to be with the Yankees. And I want to
28492 thank everyone for making this night necessary.
28493 -- Yogi Berra at a dinner in his honor
28495 "I'm all for computer dating, but I wouldn't want one to marry my
28498 I'm also inclined to believe that if you wait long enough, you will
28499 eventually have more than 255 of almost *anything*....
28502 I'm always looking for a new idea that
28503 will be more productive than its cost.
28504 -- David Rockefeller
28507 But it's not what I really want to do.
28508 What I really want to do is be a shoe salesman.
28509 I know what you're going to say --
28510 "Dreamer! Get your head out of the clouds."
28511 All right! But it's what I want to do.
28512 Instead I have to go on painting all day long.
28514 The world should make a place for shoe salesmen.
28517 I'm an evolutionist; I refuse to believe
28518 that I could have been created by man.
28520 "I'm ANN LANDERS!! I can SHOPLIFT!!"
28521 -- Zippy the Pinhead
28523 I'm changing my name to Chrysler
28524 I'm going down to Washington, D.C.
28525 I'll tell some power broker
28526 What they did for Iacocca
28527 Will be perfectly acceptable to me!
28528 I'm changing my name to Chrysler,
28529 I'm heading for that great receiving line.
28530 When they hand a million grand out,
28531 I'll be standing with my hand out,
28532 Yessir, I'll get mine!
28535 I'm defending her honor, which is more than she ever did.
28537 I'm dying beyond my means.
28538 -- Oscar Wilde, his last words, while sipping champagne
28540 "I'm dying," he croaked.
28541 "My experiment was a success," the chemist retorted.
28542 "You can't really train a beagle," he dogmatized.
28543 "That's no beagle, it's a mongrel," she muttered.
28544 "The fire is going out," he bellowed.
28545 "Bad marksmanship," the hunter groused.
28546 "You ought to see a psychiatrist," he reminded me.
28547 "You snake," she rattled.
28548 "Someone's at the door," she chimed.
28549 "Company's coming," she guessed.
28550 "Dawn came too soon," she mourned.
28551 "I think I'll end it all," Sue sighed.
28552 "I ordered chocolate, not vanilla," I screamed.
28553 "Your embroidery is sloppy," she needled cruelly.
28554 "Where did you get this meat?" he bridled hoarsely.
28555 -- Gyles Brandreth, "The Joy of Lex"
28557 "I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to
28561 I'm for bringing back the birch, but only for consenting adults.
28564 I'm free -- and freedom tastes of reality.
28566 I'm glad I was not born before tea.
28567 -- Sidney Smith (1771-1845)
28569 I'm glad that I'm an American,
28570 I'm glad that I am free,
28571 But I wish I were a little doggy,
28572 And McGovern were a tree.
28574 I'm going through my "I want to go back to New York" phase today. Happens
28575 every six months or so. So, I thought, perhaps unwisely, that I'd share
28578 > In New York in the winter it is million degrees below zero and
28579 the wind travels at a million miles an hour down 5th avenue.
28580 > And in LA it's 72.
28582 > In New York in the summer it is a million degrees and the humidity
28583 is a million percent.
28584 > And in LA it's 72.
28586 > In New York there are a million interesting people.
28587 > And in LA there are 72.
28589 I'm going to Boston to see my doctor. He's a very sick man.
28592 I'm going to give my psychoanalyst one more year, then I'm going to Lourdes.
28595 I'm going to live forever, or die trying!
28598 I'm going to raise an issue and stick it in your ear.
28601 I'm going to Vietnam at the request of the White House. President Johnson
28602 says a war isn't really a war without my jokes.
28605 I'm hungry, time to eat lunch.
28607 I'm in Pittsburgh. Why am I here?
28608 -- Harold Urey, Nobel Laureate
28610 I'm just as sad as sad can be!
28611 I've missed your special date.
28612 Please say that you're not mad at me
28613 My tax return is late.
28614 -- Modern Lines for Modern Greeting Cards
28616 I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be
28620 I'm N-ary the tree, I am,
28621 N-ary the tree, I am, I am.
28622 I'm getting traversed by the parser next door,
28623 She's traversed me seven times before.
28624 And ev'ry time it was an N-ary (N-ary!)
28625 Never wouldn't ever do a binary. (No sir!)
28626 I'm 'er eighth tree that was N-ary.
28627 N-ary the tree I am, I am,
28628 N-ary the tree I am.
28629 -- Stolen from Paul Revere and the Raiders
28631 I'm not a lovable man.
28634 I'm not a real movie star -- I've still got the same wife I started out
28635 with twenty-eight years ago.
28638 I'm not afraid of death -- I just don't want to be there when it happens.
28641 I'm not denyin' the women are foolish: God Almighty made 'em to
28645 I'm not even going to *bother* comparing C to BASIC or FORTRAN.
28646 -- L. Zolman, creator of BDS C
28648 I'm not laughing with you, I'm laughing at you.
28650 I'm not offering myself as an example;
28651 every life evolves by its own laws.
28653 I'm not prejudiced, I hate everyone equally.
28657 "I'm not stupid, I'm not expendable, and I'M NOT GOING!"
28659 I'm not sure I've even got the brains to be President.
28660 -- Barry Goldwater, in 1964
28662 I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert!
28664 I'm not the person your mother warned you about... her imagination isn't
28668 "I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am.
28669 It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get."
28671 I'm often asked the question, "Do you think there is extraterrestrial intelli-
28672 gence?" I give the standard arguments -- there are a lot of places out there,
28673 and use the word *billions*, and so on. And then I say it would be astonishing
28674 to me if there weren't extraterrestrial intelligence, but of course there is as
28675 yet no compelling evidence for it. And then I'm asked, "Yeah, but what do you
28676 really think?" I say, "I just told you what I really think." "Yeah, but
28677 what's your gut feeling?" But I try not to think with my gut. Really, it's
28678 okay to reserve judgment until the evidence is in.
28681 "I'm prepared for all emergencies but totally unprepared for everyday
28684 I'm proud to be paying taxes in the United States. The only thing is
28685 -- I could be just as proud for half the money.
28690 "I'm really enjoying not talking to you ... Let's not talk again ____
\b\b\b\bREAL
28693 I'm really enjoying not talking to you...
28694 Let's not talk again REAL soon...
28696 "I'm returning this note to you, instead of your paper, because it
28697 (your paper) presently occupies the bottom of my bird cage."
28698 -- English Professor, Providence College
28700 I'm so broke I can't even pay attention.
28702 I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here.
28704 "I'm sorry, but after reading this thread, I'm having a hard time
28705 coming up with an explanation for this nonsense which doesn't involve
28706 you being a dumbass."
28707 -- Bill Paul <wpaul@FreeBSD.org>
28709 I'm sorry, but my kharma just ran over your dogma.
28711 I'm sorry I missed.
28714 I'm sorry if the correct way of doing things offends you.
28716 I'm still waiting for the advent of the computer science groupie.
28718 I'm successful because I'm lucky.
28719 The harder I work, the luckier I get.
28721 "I'm terribly sorry, sir," the novice barber apologized, after badly nicking
28722 a customer. "Let me wrap your head in a towel."
28723 "That's all right," said the customer. "I'll just take it home under
28726 I'm very good at integral and differential calculus,
28727 I know the scientific names of beings animalculous;
28728 In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral,
28729 I am the very model of a modern Major-General.
28730 -- Gilbert & Sullivan, "The Pirates of Penzance"
28732 I'm very old-fashioned. I believe that people should marry for life,
28733 like pigeons and Catholics.
28736 "I'm willing to sacrifice anything for this cause, even other people's
28739 Imagination is more important than knowledge.
28742 Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality.
28743 -- Jules de Gaultier
28745 "Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the
28746 usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody
28747 thinks of complaining."
28748 -- Jeff Raskin, interviewed in Doctor Dobb's Journal
28750 Imagine that Cray computer decides to make a personal computer. It has
28751 a 150 MHz processor, 200 megabytes of RAM, 1500 megabytes of disk
28752 storage, a screen resolution of 4096 x 4096 pixels, relies entirely on
28753 voice recognition for input, fits in your shirt pocket and costs $300.
28754 What's the first question that the computer community asks?
28756 "Is it PC compatible?"
28758 Imagine there's no heaven... it's easy if you try.
28759 -- John Lennon, "Imagine"
28761 Imagine what we can imagine!
28762 -- Arthur Rubinstein
28764 Imbalance of power corrupts and monopoly of power corrupts absolutely.
28767 Imbesi's Law with Freeman's Extension:
28768 In order for something to become clean, something else must
28769 become dirty; but you can get everything dirty without getting
28772 Imitation is the sincerest form of television.
28775 Immanuel doesn't pun, he Kant.
28777 Immanuel Kant but Kubla Khan.
28779 Immature artists imitate, mature artists steal.
28782 Immature poets imitate, mature poets steal.
28783 -- T. S. Eliot, "Philip Massinger"
28785 Immigration is the sincerest form of flattery.
28788 Immortality -- a fate worse than death.
28791 Immutability, Three Rules of:
28792 (1) If a tarpaulin can flap, it will.
28793 (2) If a small boy can get dirty, he will.
28794 (3) If a teenager can go out, he will.
28797 Unable to perceive any promise of personal advantage from
28798 espousing either side of a controversy or adopting either of two
28799 conflicting opinions.
28800 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
28802 Important letters which contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.
28803 Corresponding errors will show up in the duplicate while the Boss is reading
28804 it. Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by spontaneously moving
28805 from where you left them to where you can't find them.
28807 Important letters which contain no errors will develop errors in the
28808 mail. Corresponding errors will show up in the duplicate while the
28809 Boss is reading it.
28812 (1) I wouldn't like it and when it happens I won't approve;
28813 (2) I can't be bothered;
28814 (3) God can't be bothered.
28815 Meaning (3) may perhaps be valid but the others are 101% whaledreck.
28816 -- Chad C. Mulligan, "The Hipcrime Vocab"
28818 In 1750 Isaac Newton became discouraged when he fell up a flight of
28821 In 1869 the waffle iron was invented for people who had wrinkled
28824 In 1880 the French captured Detroit but gave it back ... they couldn't
28827 In 1914, the first crossword puzzle was printed in a newspaper. The
28828 creator received $4000 down ... and $3000 across.
28830 In 1915 pancake make-up was invented but most people still preferred
28833 In 1967, the Soviet Government minted a beautiful silver ruble with Lenin
28834 in a very familiar pose - arms raised above him, leading the country to
28835 revolution. But, it was clear to everybody, that if you looked at it from
28836 behind, it was clear that Lenin was pointing to 11:00, when the Vodka
28837 shops opened, and was actually saying, "Comrades, forward to the Vodka shops.
28839 It became fashionable, when one wanted to have a drink, to take out the
28840 ruble and say, "Oh my goodness, Comrades, Lenin tells me we should go.
28842 In 1989, the United States, which was displeased with the policies of the
28843 dictator of Panama, invaded that country and placed in power a government
28844 more to its liking.
28846 In 1990, Iraq, which was displeased with the policies of the dictator of
28847 Kuwait, invaded that country and placed in power a government more to its
28850 In a bottle, the neck is always at the top.
28852 In a circuit with a fast-acting fuse,
28853 an IC will blow to protect the fuse.
28855 In a consumer society there are inevitably two kinds of slaves:
28856 the prisoners of addiction and the prisoners of envy.
28858 In a country where the sole employer is the State, opposition means death
28859 by slow starvation. The old principle: Who does not work shall not eat,
28860 has been replaced by a new one: Who does not obey shall not eat.
28861 -- Leon Trotsky, 1937
28863 In a display of perverse brilliance, Carl the repairman mistakes a room
28864 humidifier for a mid-range computer but manages to tie it into the network
28868 In a five year period we can get one superb programming language. Only
28869 we can't control when the five year period will begin.
28871 In a gathering of two or more people, when a lighted cigarette is
28872 placed in an ashtray, the smoke will waft into the face of the non-smoker.
28874 In a great romance, each person basically plays a part that the
28875 other really likes.
28876 -- Elizabeth Ashley
28878 In a hierarchy every employee tends to rise to his level of incompetence ...
28879 in time every post tends to be occupied by an employee who is incompetent
28880 to carry out its duties ... Work is accomplished by those employees who
28881 have not yet reached their level of incompetence.
28882 -- Dr. Laurence J. Peter, "The Peter Principle"
28884 In a medium in which a News Piece takes a minute and an "In-Depth"
28885 Piece takes two minutes, the Simple will drive out the Complex.
28886 -- Frank Mankiewicz
28888 In a minimum-phase system there is an inextricable link between
28889 frequency response, phase response and transient response, as they
28890 are all merely transforms of one another. This combined with
28891 minimization of open-loop errors in output amplifiers and correct
28892 compensation for non-linear passive crossover network loading can
28893 lead to a significant decrease in system resolution lost. However,
28894 this all means jack when you listen to Pink Floyd.
28896 In a museum in Havana, there are two skulls of Christopher Columbus,
28897 "one when he was a boy and one when he was a man."
28900 In a surprise raid last night, federal agent's ransacked a house in search
28901 of a rebel computer hacker. However, they were unable to complete the arrest
28902 because the warrant was made out in the name of Don Provan, while the only
28903 person in the house was named don provan. Proving, once again, that Unix is
28904 superior to Tops10.
28906 In a whiskey it's age, in a cigarette it's
28907 taste and in a sports car it's impossible.
28909 In Africa some of the native tribes have a custom of beating the ground
28910 with clubs and uttering spine chilling cries. Anthropologists call
28911 this a form of primitive self-expression. In America we call it golf.
28913 In America, any boy may become president and I suppose that's just one
28914 of the risks he takes.
28917 In America, it's not how much an item costs, it's how much you save.
28919 In America today ... we have Woody Allen, whose humor has become so
28920 sophisticated that nobody gets it any more except Mia Farrow. All
28921 those who think Mia Farrow should go back to making movies where the
28922 devil gets her pregnant and Woody Allen should go back to dressing up
28923 as a human sperm, please raise your hands. Thank you.
28924 -- Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny"
28926 In an age when the fashion is to be in love with yourself, confessing to
28927 be in love with somebody else is an admission of unfaithfulness to one's
28931 In an orderly world, there's always a place for the disorderly.
28933 In an organization, each person rises to the level of his own
28935 -- The Peter Principle
28937 In any country there must be people who have to die. They are the
28938 sacrifices any nation has to make to achieve law and order.
28941 In any formula, constants (especially those obtained from handbooks)
28942 are to be treated as variables.
28944 In any problem, if you find yourself doing an infinite amount of work,
28945 the answer may be obtained by inspection.
28947 "In any world menu, Canada must be considered the vichyssoise of
28948 nations -- it's cold, half-French, and difficult to stir."
28951 In Blythe, California, a city ordinance declares that a person must own
28952 at least two cows before he can wear cowboy boots in public.
28954 In Boston, it is illegal to hold frog-jumping contests in nightclubs.
28957 A catch basin for everything you don't want
28958 to deal with, but are afraid to throw away.
28960 In breeding cattle you need one bull for every twenty-five cows, unless
28961 the cows are known sluts.
28964 In Brooklyn, we had such great pennant races, it
28965 made the World Series just something that came later.
28966 -- Walter O'Malley, Dodgers owner
28968 In buying horses and taking a wife
28969 shut your eyes tight and commend yourself to God.
28971 In California, Bill Honig, the Superintendent of Public Instruction, said he
28972 thought the general public should have a voice in defining what an excellent
28973 teacher should know. "I would not leave the definition of math," Dr. Honig
28974 said, "up to the mathematicians."
28975 -- The New York Times, October 22, 1985
28977 In California they don't throw their garbage away -- they make
28978 it into television shows.
28979 -- Woody Allen, "Annie Hall"
28981 In case of atomic attack, all work rules will be temporarily suspended.
28983 In case of atomic attack, the federal ruling against prayer in schools
28984 will be temporarily canceled.
28986 In case of fire, stand in the hall and shout "Fire!"
28987 -- The Kidner Report
28989 In case of fire, yell "FIRE!"
28991 In case of injury notify your superior immediately. He'll kiss it and
28994 In charity there is no excess.
28997 In childhood a woman must be subject to her father; in youth to her
28998 husband; when her husband is dead, to her sons. A woman must never
28999 be free of subjugation.
29000 -- The Hindu Code of Manu
29002 In Christianity, a man may have only one wife.
29003 This is called Monotony.
29005 In Columbia, Pennsylvania, it is against the law for a pilot to tickle
29006 a female flying student under her chin with a feather duster in order
29007 to get her attention.
29009 In computing, the mean time to failure keeps getting shorter.
29011 In Corning, Iowa, it's a misdemeanor for a man to ask his wife to ride
29012 in any motor vehicle.
29014 "In defeat, unbeatable; in victory, unbearable."
29015 -- Winston Churchill, on General Montgomery
29017 In Denver it is unlawful to lend your vacuum cleaner to your next-door
29020 In Devon, Connecticut, it is unlawful to walk backwards after sunset.
29022 In Dr. Johnson's famous dictionary patriotism is defined as the last
29023 resort of the scoundrel. With all due respect to an enlightened but
29024 inferior lexicographer I beg to submit that it is the first.
29025 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
29027 In dwelling, be close to the land.
29028 In meditation, delve deep into the heart.
29029 In dealing with others, be gentle and kind.
29030 In speech, be true.
29031 In work, be competent.
29032 In action, be careful of your timing.
29035 In English, every word can be verbed. Would that it were so in our
29036 programming languages.
29038 In every country and every age, the priest has been hostile to Liberty.
29039 -- Thomas Jefferson
29041 In every hierarchy the cream rises until it sours.
29042 -- Dr. Laurence J. Peter
29044 In every job that must be done, there is an element of fun.
29045 Find the fun and snap! The job's a game.
29046 And every task you undertake, becomes a piece of cake,
29047 a lark, a spree; it's very clear to see.
29050 In every non-trivial program there is at least one bug.
29052 In fact, S. M. Simpson, eventually devised an efficient 24-point Fourier
29053 transform, which was a precursor to the Cooley-Tukey fast Fourier transform
29054 in 1965. The FFT made all of Simpson's efficient autocorrelation and
29055 spectrum programs instantly obsolete, on which he had worked half a lifetime.
29056 -- Proc. IEEE, Sept. 1982, p.900
29058 In fiction the recourse of the powerless is murder;
29059 in life the recourse of the powerless is petty theft.
29061 In Germany they first came for the Communists and I didn't speak up because
29062 I wasn't a Communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn't speak up
29063 because I wasn't a Jew. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I
29064 didn't speak up because I wasn't a trade unionist. Then they came for the
29065 Catholics, and I didn't speak up because I was a Protestant. Then they came
29066 for me -- and by that time no one was left to speak up.
29067 -- Pastor Martin Niemoller
29069 In God we trust; all else we walk through.
29071 In good speaking, should not the mind of the speaker
29072 know the truth of the matter about which he is to speak?
29075 In Greene, New York, it is illegal to eat peanuts and walk backwards on
29076 the sidewalks when a concert is on.
29078 In her first passion woman loves her lover,
29079 In all the others all she loves is love.
29080 -- George Gordon, Lord Byron, "Don Juan"
29082 In high school in Brooklyn
29083 I was the baseball manager,
29084 proud as I could be
29085 I chased baseballs,
29086 gathered thrown bats
29087 handed out the towels Eventually, I bought my own
29088 It was very important work but it was dark blue while
29089 for a small spastic kid, the official ones were green
29090 but I was a team member Nobody ever said anything
29091 When the team got to me about my blue jacket;
29092 their warm-up jackets the guys were my friends
29093 I didn't get one Yet it hurt me all year
29094 Only the regular team to wear that blue jacket
29095 got these jackets, and among all those green ones
29096 surely not a manager Even now, forty years after,
29097 I still recall that jacket
29098 and the memory goes on hurting.
29099 -- Bart Lanier Safford III, "An Obscured Radiance"
29101 In Hollywood, all marriages are happy. It's trying to live together
29102 afterwards that causes the problems.
29105 In Hollywood, if you don't have happiness, you send out for it.
29108 In India, "cold weather" is merely a conventional phrase and has come
29109 into use through the necessity of having some way to distinguish
29110 between weather which will melt a brass door-knob and weather which
29111 will only make it mushy.
29114 In Italy, for thirty years under the Borgias, they had warfare, terror,
29115 murder, and bloodshed, but they produced Michelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci
29116 and the Renaissance. In Switzerland, they had brotherly love, they had
29117 five hundred years of democracy and peace -- and what did they produce?
29119 -- Orson Welles, "The Third Man"
29121 In just seven days, I can make you a man!
29122 -- The Rocky Horror Picture Show
29123 [ (and seven nights...) Ed.]
29125 In less than a century, computers will be making substantial
29126 progress on ... the overriding problem of war and peace.
29129 In Lexington, Kentucky, it's illegal to carry an ice cream cone in your
29132 In like a dimwit, out like a light.
29135 In love, she who gives her portrait promises the original.
29138 In Lowes Crossroads, Delaware, it is a violation of local law for any
29139 pilot or passenger to carry an ice cream cone in their pocket while
29140 either flying or waiting to board a plane.
29142 In marriage, as in war, it is permitted
29143 to take every advantage of the enemy.
29145 In Marseilles they make half the toilet soap we consume in America, but
29146 the Marseillaise only have a vague theoretical idea of its use, which they
29147 have obtained from books of travel.
29150 In matters of principle, stand like a rock;
29151 in matters of taste, swim with the current.
29152 -- Thomas Jefferson
29154 In Memphis, Tennessee, it is illegal for a woman to drive a car unless
29155 there is a man either running or walking in front of it waving a red
29156 flag to warn approaching motorists and pedestrians.
29158 In Mexico we have a word for sushi: bait.
29161 In Minnesota they ask why all football fields in Iowa have artificial turf.
29162 It's so the cheerleaders won't graze during the game.
29164 In most instances, all an argument
29165 proves is that two people are present.
29167 In my end is my beginning.
29168 -- Mary Stuart, Queen of Scots
29170 In my experience, if you have to keep the lavatory door shut by extending
29171 your left leg, it's modern architecture.
29172 -- Nancy Banks Smith
29174 IN MY OPINION anyone interested in improving himself should not rule out
29175 becoming pure energy.
29176 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican", 1988.
29178 In Nature there are neither rewards nor
29179 punishments, there are consequences.
29182 In Ohio, if you ignore an orator on Decoration day to such an extent as
29183 to publicly play croquet or pitch horseshoes within one mile of the
29184 speaker's stand, you can be fined $25.00.
29186 In olden times sacrifices were made at the altar --
29187 a practice which is still continued.
29190 In order to dial out, it is necessary to broaden one's dimension.
29192 In order to discover who you are, first learn who everybody else is;
29193 you're what's left.
29195 In order to get a loan you must first prove you don't need it.
29197 In order to live free and happily, you must sacrifice boredom.
29198 It is not always an easy sacrifice.
29200 "In order to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the
29202 -- Carl Sagan, Cosmos
29204 In our civilization, and under our republican form of government,
29205 intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from
29206 the cares of office.
29207 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
29209 In Oz, never say "krizzle kroo" to a Woozy.
29211 In Pierre Trudeau, Canada has finally produced
29212 a Prime Minister worthy of assassination.
29213 -- John Diefenbaker
29215 In Pocataligo, Georgia, it is a violation for a woman over 200 pounds
29216 and attired in shorts to pilot or ride in an airplane.
29218 In Pocatello, Idaho, a law passed in 1912 provided that "The carrying
29219 of concealed weapons is forbidden, unless same are exhibited to public
29222 In practice, failures in system development, like unemployment in Russia,
29223 happens a lot despite official propaganda to the contrary.
29226 In real love you want the other person's good. In romantic love you
29227 want the other person.
29228 -- Margaret Anderson
29230 In Riemann, Hilbert or in Banach space
29231 Let superscripts and subscripts go their ways.
29232 Our asymptotes no longer out of phase,
29233 We shall encounter, counting, face to face.
29234 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
29236 In San Francisco, Halloween is redundant.
29239 In science it often happens that scientists say, "You know that's a really
29240 good argument; my position is mistaken," and then they actually change
29241 their minds and you never hear that old view from them again. They really
29242 do it. It doesn't happen as often as it should, because scientists are
29243 human and change is sometimes painful. But it happens every day. I cannot
29244 recall the last time something like that happened in politics or religion.
29245 -- Carl Sagan, 1987 CSICOP keynote address
29247 In Seattle, Washington, it is illegal to carry a concealed weapon that
29248 is over six feet in length.
29250 In seeking the unattainable, simplicity only gets in the way.
29251 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
29253 "In short, _
\bN is Richardian if, and only if, _
\bN is not Richardian."
29255 In specifications, Murphy's Law supersedes Ohm's.
29257 In spite of everything, I still believe that people are good at heart.
29260 In success there's a tendency to keep on doing what you were doing.
29263 In Tennessee, it is illegal to shoot any game other than whales from a
29266 [In the 60's] there was madness in any direction, at any hour ... You
29267 could strike sparks anywhere. There was a fantastic universal sense
29268 that whatever we were doing was `right', that we were winning ...
29270 And that, I think, was the handle -- the sense of inevitable victory
29271 over the forces of Old and Evil. Not in any mean or military sense; we
29272 didn't need that. Our energy would simply `prevail'. There was no
29273 point in fighting -- on our side or theirs. We had all the momentum;
29274 we were riding the crest of a high and beautiful wave ...
29276 So now, less than five years later, you can go up on a steep hill in
29277 Las Vegas and look West, and with the right kind of eyes you can almost
29278 ___
\b\b\bsee the high-water mark -- the place where the wave finally broke and
29280 -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas"
29282 In the beginning there was nothing. And the Lord said "Let There Be Light!"
29283 And still there was nothing, but at least now you could see it.
29285 In the beginning was the word.
29286 But by the time the second word was added to it,
29288 For with it came syntax ...
29291 In the course of reading Hadamard's "The Psychology of Invention in the
29292 Mathematical Field", I have come across evidence supporting a fact
29293 which we coffee achievers have long appreciated: no really creative,
29294 intelligent thought is possible without a good cup of coffee. On page
29295 14, Hadamard is discussing Poincare's theory of fuchsian groups and
29296 fuchsian functions, which he describes as "... one of his greatest
29297 discoveries, the first which consecrated his glory ..." Hadamard refers
29298 to Poincare having had a "... sleepless night which initiated all that
29299 memorable work ..." and gives the following, very revealing quote:
29301 "One evening, contrary to my custom, I drank black coffee and
29302 could not sleep. Ideas rose in crowds; I felt them collide
29303 until pairs interlocked, so to speak, making a stable
29306 Too bad drinking black coffee was contrary to his custom. Maybe he
29307 could really have amounted to something as a coffee achiever.
29309 In the days of old,
29310 When Knights were bold,
29311 And women were too cautious;
29312 Oh, those gallant days,
29313 When women were women,
29314 And men were really obnoxious.
29316 In the days when Sussman was a novice Minsky once came to him as he sat
29317 hacking at the PDP-6. "What are you doing?", asked Minsky. "I am
29318 training a randomly wired neural net to play Tic-Tac-Toe." "Why is the
29319 net wired randomly?", asked Minsky. "I do not want it to have any
29320 preconceptions of how to play." Minsky shut his eyes. "Why do you
29321 close your eyes?", Sussman asked his teacher. "So the room will be
29322 empty." At that moment, Sussman was enlightened.
29324 In the dimestores and bus stations
29325 People talk of situations
29326 Read books repeat quotations
29327 Draw conclusions on the wall.
29330 In the early morning queue,
29331 With a listing in my hand.
29332 With a worry in my heart, There on terminal number 9,
29333 Waitin' here in CERAS-land. Pascal run all set to go.
29334 I'm a long way from sleep, But I'm waitin' in the queue,
29335 How I miss a good meal so. With this code that ever grows.
29336 In the early mornin' queue, Now the lobby chairs are soft,
29337 With no place to go. But that can't make the queue move fast.
29338 Hey, there it goes my friend,
29339 I've moved up one at last.
29340 -- Ernest Adams, "Early Morning Queue", to "Early
29341 Morning Rain" by G. Lightfoot
29343 In the east there is a shark which is larger than all other fish. It changes
29344 into a bird whose wings are like clouds filling the sky. When this bird
29345 moves across the land, it brings a message from Corporate Headquarters. This
29346 message it drops into the midst of the programmers, like a seagull making
29347 its mark upon the beach. Then the bird mounts on the wind and, with the blue
29348 sky at its back, returns home.
29350 The novice programmer stares in wonder at the bird, for he understands it not.
29351 The average programmer dreads the coming of the bird, for he fears its message.
29352 The master programmer continues to work at his terminal, for he does not know
29353 that the bird has come and gone.
29355 In the eyes of my dog, I'm a man.
29358 In the first place, God made idiots;
29359 this was for practice; then he made school boards.
29362 In the force if Yoda's so strong, construct a sentence with words in
29363 the proper order then why can't he?
29365 In the future, there will be fewer but better Russians.
29368 In the future, you're going to get computers as prizes in breakfast cereals.
29369 You'll throw them out because your house will be littered with them.
29371 In the Halls of Justice the only justice is in the halls.
29374 In the highest society, as well as in the lowest,
29375 woman is merely an instrument of pleasure.
29378 In the land of the dark, the Ship of the Sun is driven by the Grateful
29380 -- Egyptian Book of the Dead
29382 In the long run, every program becomes rococo, and then rubble.
29385 In the long run we are all dead.
29386 -- John Maynard Keynes
29388 In the middle of a wide field is a pot of gold. 100 feet to the north stands
29389 a smart manager. 100 feet to the south stands a dumb manager. 100 feet to
29390 the east is the Easter Bunny, and 100 feet to the west is Santa Claus.
29392 Q: Who gets to the pot of gold first?
29393 A: The dumb manager. All the rest are myths.
29395 In the midst of one of the wildest parties he'd ever been to, the young man
29396 noticed a very prim and pretty girl sitting quietly apart from the rest of
29397 the revelers. Approaching her, he introduced himself and, after some quiet
29398 conversation, said, "I'm afraid you and I don't really fit in with this
29399 jaded group. Why don't I take you home?""
29400 "Fine," said the girl, smiling up at him demurely. "Where do you
29403 In the misfortune of our friends we find something that is not
29405 -- La Rochefoucauld, "Maxims"
29407 In the next world, you're on your own.
29409 In the Old West a wagon train is crossing the plains. As night falls the
29410 wagon train forms a circle, and a campfire is lit in the middle. After
29411 everyone has gone to sleep two lone cavalry officers stand watch over the
29413 After several hours of quiet, they hear war drums starting from
29414 a nearby Indian village they had passed during the day. The drums get
29416 Finally one soldier turns to the other and says, "I don't like
29417 the sound of those drums."
29418 Suddenly, they hear a cry come from the Indian camp: "IT'S
29419 NOT OUR REGULAR DRUMMER."
29421 In the olden days in England, you could be hung for stealing a sheep or
29422 a loaf of bread. However, if a sheep stole a loaf of bread and gave it
29423 to you, you would only be tried for receiving, a crime punishable by
29424 forty lashes with the cat or the dog, whichever was handy. If you
29425 stole a dog and were caught, you were punished with twelve rabbit
29426 punches, although it was hard to find rabbits big enough or strong
29427 enough to punch you.
29428 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
29430 In the plot, people came to the land; the land loved them; they worked and
29431 struggled and had lots of children. There was a Frenchman who talked funny
29432 and a greenhorn from England who was a fancy-pants but when it came to the
29433 crunch he was all courage. Those novels would make you retch.
29434 -- Canadian novelist Robertson Davies, on the generic Canadian
29437 In the space of one hundred and seventy-six years the Mississippi has
29438 shortened itself two hundred and forty-two miles. Therefore ... in the
29439 Old Silurian Period the Mississippi River was upward of one million
29440 three hundred thousand miles long ... seven hundred and forty-two years
29441 from now the Mississippi will be only a mile and three-quarters long.
29442 ... There is something fascinating about science. One gets such
29443 wholesome returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of
29447 In the Spring, I have counted 136
29448 different kinds of weather inside of 24 hours.
29449 -- Mark Twain, on New England weather
29451 In the stairway of life, you'd best take the elevator.
29453 In the Top 40, half the songs are secret messages to the teen world to
29454 drop out, turn on, and groove with the chemicals and light shows at
29458 In the war of wits, he's unarmed.
29460 In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice.
29461 In practice, there is.
29463 In these matters the only certainty is that there is nothing certain.
29468 Your head grows bald
29472 In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.
29473 -- Benjamin Franklin
29475 In this world of sin and sorrow there is always something to be
29476 thankful for; as for me, I rejoice that I am not a Republican.
29479 In this world some people are going to like me and some are not.
29480 So, I may as well be me. Then I know if someone likes me, they like me.
29482 In this world there are only two tragedies. One is
29483 not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.
29486 In this world, truth can wait; she's used to it.
29488 In those days he was wiser than he is now -- he used to frequently take
29490 -- Winston Churchill
29492 In time, every post tends to be occupied by an
29493 employee who is incompetent to carry out its duties.
29494 -- Dr. Laurence J. Peter
29496 In Tulsa, Oklahoma, it is against the law to open a soda bottle without
29497 the supervision of a licensed engineer.
29499 In /users3 did Kubla Kahn
29500 A stately pleasure dome decree,
29501 Where /bin, the sacred river ran
29502 Through Test Suites measureless to Man
29503 Down to a sunless C.
29505 In war it is not men, but the man who counts.
29508 In war, truth is the first casualty.
29511 In West Union, Ohio, No married man can go flying without his spouse
29512 along at any time, unless he has been married for more than 12 months.
29514 In which level of metalanguage are you now speaking?
29516 In wine there is truth (In vino veritas).
29519 In Xanadu did Kubla Khan a stately pleasure dome decree
29520 But only if the NFL to a franchise would agree.
29522 In Xanadu did Kubla Khan
29523 A stately pleasure dome decree:
29524 Where Alph, the sacred river, ran
29525 Through caverns measureless to man
29526 Down to a sunless sea.
29527 So twice five miles of fertile ground
29528 With walls and towers were girdled round:
29529 And there were gardens bright with sinuous rills,
29530 Where blossomed many an incense-bearing tree;
29531 And here were forest ancient as the hills,
29532 Enfolding sunny spots of greenery.
29533 -- Samuel T. Coleridge, "Kubla Kahn"
29535 In youth, it was a way I had
29536 To do my best to please,
29537 And change, with every passing lad,
29538 To suit his theories.
29540 But now I know the things I know,
29541 And do the things I do;
29542 And if you do not like me so,
29543 To hell, my love, with you!
29544 -- Dorothy Parker, "Indian Summer"
29547 The system of long and short-term rewards that a corporation uses
29548 to motivate its people. Still, despite all the experimentation with
29549 profit sharing, stock options, and the like, the most effective
29550 incentive program to date seems to be "Do a good job and you get to
29555 Increased knowledge will help you now.
29556 Have mate's phone bugged.
29559 Person of liveliest interest to the outcumbents.
29560 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
29562 Indecision is the true basis for flexibility.
29564 Indeed, the first noble truth of Buddhism, usually translated as
29565 `all life is suffering,' is more accurately rendered `life is filled
29566 with a sense of pervasive unsatisfactoriness.'
29570 Alphabetical list of words of no possible interest where an
29571 alphabetical list of subjects with references ought to be.
29573 Indiana is a state dedicated to basketball. Basketball, soybeans, hogs and
29574 basketball. Berkeley, needless to say, is not nearly as athletic. Berkeley
29575 is dedicated to coffee, angst, potholes and coffee.
29578 Indifference will certainly be the downfall of mankind, but who cares?
29580 Individualists unite!
29582 Indomitable in retreat; invincible in
29583 advance; insufferable in victory.
29584 -- Winston Churchill, on General Montgomery
29587 The period of our lives when, according to Wordsworth, "Heaven
29588 lies about us." The world begins lying about us pretty soon
29593 In New York, one who does not believe in the Christian religion;
29594 in Constantinople, one who does.
29595 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
29597 Inform all the troops that communications have completely broken down.
29599 Information Center, n.:
29600 A room staffed by professional computer people whose job it is
29601 to tell you why you cannot have the information you require.
29603 Information is the inverse of entropy.
29605 Information Processing:
29606 What you call data processing when people are so disgusted with
29607 it they won't let it be discussed in their presence.
29609 Inglish Spocken Hier: some mangled translations
29611 Sign on a cabin door of a Soviet Black Sea cruise liner:
29612 Helpsavering apparata in emergings behold many whistles!
29613 Associate the stringing apparata about the bosums and meet
29614 behind, flee then to the indifferent lifesaveringshippen
29615 obedicing the instructs of the vessel.
29617 On the door in a Belgrade hotel:
29618 Let us know about any unficiency as well as leaking on
29619 the service. Our utmost will improve it.
29623 Inglish Spocken Hier: some mangled translations
29625 Sign on a cathedral in Spain:
29626 It is forbidden to enter a woman, even a foreigner if
29629 Above the entrance to a Cairo bar:
29630 Unaccompanied ladies not admitted unless with husband
29633 On a Bucharest elevator:
29635 The lift is being fixed for the next days.
29636 During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.
29640 Inglish Spocken Hier: some mangled translations
29642 Various signs in Poland:
29644 Right turn toward immediate outside.
29646 Go soothingly in the snow, as there lurk the ski demons.
29648 Five o'clock tea at all hours.
29650 In a men's washroom in Sidney:
29652 Shake excess water from hands, push button to start,
29653 rub hands rapidly under air outlet and wipe hands
29656 -- Colin Bowles, San Francisco Chronicle
29659 A man who bites the hand that feeds him, and then complains of
29662 Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere.
29663 -- Martin Luther King, Jr.
29666 A villainous compound of tannogallate of iron, gum-arabic,
29667 and water, chiefly used to facilitate the infection of
29668 idiocy and promote intellectual crime.
29672 A villainous compound of tannogallate of iron, gum-arabic, and
29673 water, chiefly used to facilitate the infection of idiocy and promote
29674 intellectual crime.
29675 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
29677 Innocence ends when one is stripped of the delusion that one
29679 -- Joan Didion, "On Self Respect"
29684 Innovation is hard to schedule.
29690 Insanity is considered a ground for divorce, though by the very same
29691 token it is the shortest detour to marriage.
29694 Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids.
29696 Insanity is the final defense ... It's hard to get a refund when the
29697 salesman is sniffing your crotch and baying at the moon.
29700 Finding out that you've mispronounced for years one of your
29703 Realizing halfway through a joke that you're telling it to
29704 the person who told it to you.
29706 Inside every large problem is a small problem struggling to get out.
29708 Insomnia isn't anything to lose sleep over.
29710 Inspector: "Mrs. Freem, was this your husband's first
29712 Mrs. Freem: "His first fatal one, yes."
29715 Inspiration without perspiration is usually sterile.
29717 Instead of giving money to found colleges to promote learning, why don't
29718 they pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from learning
29719 anything? If it works as good as the Prohibition one did, why, in five
29720 years we would have the smartest race of people on earth.
29721 -- The Best of Will Rogers
29723 Instead of loving your enemies, treat your friends a little better.
29726 Integrity has no need for rules.
29728 Intel CPUs are not defective, they just act that way.
29731 Intellect annuls Fate.
29732 So far as a man thinks, he is free.
29733 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
29735 Interchangeable parts won't.
29738 What borrowers pay, lenders receive, stockholders own, and
29739 burned out employees must feign.
29741 Interesting poll results reported in today's New York Post: people on the
29742 street in midtown Manhattan were asked whether they approved of the US
29743 invasion of Grenada. Fifty-three percent said yes; 39 percent said no;
29744 and 8 percent said "Gimme a quarter?"
29747 Interfere? Of course we should interfere! Always do what you're
29748 best at, that's what I say.
29752 One who enables two persons of different languages to understand
29753 each other by repeating to each what it would have been to the
29754 interpreter's advantage for the other to have said.
29755 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
29757 Into love and out again,
29758 Thus I went and thus I go.
29759 Spare your voice, and hold your pen:
29760 Well and bitterly I know
29761 All the songs were ever sung,
29762 All the words were ever said;
29763 Could it be, when I was young,
29764 Someone dropped me on my head?
29765 -- Dorothy Parker, "Theory"
29767 Intolerance is the last defense of the insecure.
29770 When you feel sophisticated without being able to pronounce it.
29772 Introducing, the 1010, a one-bit processor.
29777 1 JMP Jump (address specified by next 2 bits)
29779 Now Available for only 12 1/2 cents!
29781 Invest in physics -- own a piece of Dirac!
29783 Involvement with people is always a very delicate thing --
29784 it requires real maturity to become involved and not get all messed up.
29788 It's off to disk I go,
29789 A bit or byte to read or write,
29794 _/I\_____________o______________o___/I\ l * / /_/ * __ ' .* l
29795 I"""_____________l______________l___"""I\ l *// _l__l_ . *. l
29796 [__][__][(******)__][__](******)[__][] \l l-\ ---//---*----(oo)----------l
29797 [][__][__(******)][__][_(******)_][__] l l \\ // ____ >-( )-< / l
29798 [__][__][_l l[__][__][l l][__][] l l \\)) ._****_.(......) .@@@:::l
29799 [][__][__]l .l_][__][__] .l__][__] l l ll _(o_o)_ (@*_*@ l
29800 [__][__][/ <_)[__][__]/ <_)][__][] l l ll ( / \ ) / / / ) l
29801 [][__][ /..,/][__][__][/..,/_][__][__] l l / \\ _\ \_ / _\_\ l
29802 [__][__(__/][__][__][_(__/_][__][__][] l l______________________________l
29803 [__][__]] l , , . [__][__][] l
29804 [][__][_] l . i. '/ , [][__][__] l /\**/\ season's
29805 [__][__]] l O .\ / /, O [__][__][] l ( o_o )_) greetings
29806 _[][__][_] l__l======='=l____[][__][__] l_______,(u u ,),__________________
29807 [__][__]]/ /l\-------/l\ [__][__][]/ {}{}{}{}{}{}<R>
29809 In Ellen's house it is warm and toasty while fuzzies play in the snow outside.
29812 IOT trap -- core dumped
29814 IOT trap -- mos dumped
29816 Iowa State -- the high school after high school!
29819 Iowans ask why Minnesotans don't drink more Kool-Aid. That's because
29820 they can't figure out how to get two quarts of water into one of those
29821 little paper envelopes.
29823 Iron Law of Distribution:
29824 Them that has, gets.
29827 A windy day, when, just as a beautiful girl with
29828 a short skirt approaches, dust blows in your eyes.
29830 Irrationality is the square root of all evil.
29831 -- Douglas Hofstadter
29833 Is a computer language with goto's totally Wirth-less?
29835 Is a person who blows up banks an econoclast?
29837 "Is a tattoo real, like a curb or a battleship?
29838 Or are we suffering in Safeway?"
29839 -- Zippy the Pinhead
29841 Is a wedding successful if it comes off without a hitch?
29843 Is death legally binding?
29845 Is it possible that software is not like anything else, that it is
29846 meant to be discarded: that the whole point is to always see it as a
29849 Is it weird in here, or is it just me?
29852 Is knowledge knowable? If not, how do we know that?
29854 Is not marriage an open question, when it is alleged, from the beginning
29855 of the world, that such as are in the institution wish to get out,
29856 and such as are out wish to get in?
29859 Is not marriage an open question, when it is alleged, from the
29860 beginning of the world, that such as are in the institution wish to get
29861 out, and such as are out wish to get in?
29862 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
29864 Is sex dirty? Only if it's done right.
29865 -- Woody Allen, "All You Ever Wanted To Know About Sex"
29867 Is that a pistol in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?
29870 Is that really YOU that is reading this?
29872 "Is there any point to which you would wish to draw my attention?"
29873 "To the curious incident of the dog in the night-time."
29874 "The dog did nothing in the night-time."
29875 "That was the curious incident," remarked Sherlock Holmes.
29877 Is there life before breakfast?
29879 Is this really happening?
29881 Is your job running? You'd better go catch it!
29883 Isn't air travel wonderful?
29884 Breakfast in London, dinner in New York, luggage in Brazil.
29886 Isn't it conceivable to you that an intelligent
29887 person could harbor two opposing ideas in his mind?
29888 -- Adlai Stevenson, to reporters
29890 Isn't it interesting that the same people who laugh at science fiction
29891 listen to weather forecasts and economists?
29892 -- Kelvin Throop III
29894 Isn't it ironic that many men spend a great part of their lives
29895 avoiding marriage while single-mindedly pursuing those things that
29896 would make them better prospects?
29898 Isn't it nice that people who prefer Los Angeles to San Francisco live
29902 Isn't it strange that the same people that laugh at gypsy fortune
29903 tellers take economists seriously?
29906 A solution in search of a problem!
29908 Issawi's Laws of Progress:
29910 The Course of Progress:
29911 Most things get steadily worse.
29913 The Path of Progress:
29914 A shortcut is the longest distance between two points.
29916 It appears that after his death, Albert Einstein found himself working
29917 as the doorkeeper at the Pearly Gates. One slow day, he found that he
29918 had time to chat with the new entrants. To the first one he asked,
29919 "What's your IQ?" The new arrival replied, "190". They discussed
29920 Einstein's theory of relativity for hours. When the second new arrival
29921 came, Einstein once again inquired as to the newcomer's IQ. The answer
29922 this time came "120". To which Einstein replied, "Tell me, how did the
29923 Cubs do this year?" and they proceeded to talk for half an hour or so.
29924 To the final arrival, Einstein once again posed the question, "What's
29925 your IQ?". Upon receiving the answer "70", Einstein smiled and asked,
29926 "Got a minute to tell me about VMS 4.0?"
29928 It appears that PL/I (and its dialects) is, or will be, the
29929 most widely used higher level language for systems programming.
29932 It cannot be seen, cannot be felt,
29933 Cannot be heard, cannot be smelt.
29934 It lies behind starts and under hills,
29935 And empty holes it fills.
29936 It comes first and follows after,
29937 Ends life, kills laughter.
29939 "It could be that Walter's horse has wings" does not imply that there is
29940 any such animal as Walter's horse, only that there could be; but "Walter's
29941 horse is a thing which could have wings" does imply Walter's horse's
29942 existence. But the conjunction "Walter's horse exists, and it could be
29943 that Walter's horse has wings" still does not imply "Walter's horse is a
29944 thing that could have wings", for perhaps it can only be that Walter's
29945 horse has wings by Walter having a different horse. Nor does "Walter's
29946 horse is a thing which could have wings" conversely imply "It could be that
29947 Walter's horse has wings"; for it might be that Walter's horse could only
29948 have wings by not being Walter's horse.
29950 I would deny, though, that the formula [Necessarily if some x has property P
29951 then some x has property P] expresses a logical law, since P(x) could stand
29952 for, let us say "x is a better logician than I am", and the statement "It is
29953 necessary that if someone is a better logician than I am then someone is a
29954 better logician than I am" is false because there need not have been any me.
29955 -- A. N. Prior, "Time and Modality"
29957 It destroys one's nerves to be amiable every day to the same human being.
29958 -- Benjamin Disraeli
29960 It did not occur to me that my being with two men continuously would
29961 interest anyone or arouse anyone's misgivings. I asked for an invitation
29962 for Heinrich too, as often as it seemed possible, when Paulus and I were
29963 invited to a social gathering. I felt the set of rules others lived by
29964 was irrelevant. My childhood attitude -- every attempt to adjust is
29965 hopeless and you might just as well follow your own attitudes -- must have
29967 -- Hannah Tillich, "From Time to Time"
29969 It does not do to leave a live dragon out of your calculations.
29971 It does not matter if you fall down as long as you
29972 pick up something from the floor while you get up.
29974 It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've
29975 done and what you're going to do.
29977 It doesn't matter whether you win or lose -- until you lose.
29979 It doesn't much signify whom one marries, for one is sure to find out
29980 next morning it was someone else.
29983 It follows that any commander in chief who undertakes to carry out a plan
29984 which he considers defective is at fault; he must put forth his reasons,
29985 insist of the plan being changed, and finally tender his resignation rather
29986 than be the instrument of his army's downfall.
29987 -- Napoleon, "Military Maxims and Thought"
29989 It gets late early out there.
29992 It got to the point where I had to get a haircut
29993 or both feet firmly planted in the air.
29995 It hangs down from the chandelier
29996 Nobody knows quite what it does
29997 Its color is odd and its shape is weird
29998 It emits a high-sounding buzz
30000 It grows a couple of feet each day
30001 and wriggles with sort of a twitch
30002 Nobody bugs it 'cause it comes from
30003 a visiting uncle who's rich!
30004 -- To "It Came Upon A Midnight Clear"
30006 It happened long ago
30007 In the new magic land
30008 The Indians and the buffalo
30009 Existed hand in hand
30010 The Indians needed food
30011 They need skins for a roof
30012 The only took what they needed
30013 And the buffalo ran loose
30014 But then came the white man
30015 With his thick and empty head
30016 He couldn't see past his billfold
30017 He wanted all the buffalo dead
30018 It was sad, oh so sad.
30019 -- Ted Nugent, "The Great White Buffalo"
30021 It happened that a fire broke out backstage in a theater. The clown
30022 came out to inform the public. They thought it was just a jest and
30023 applauded. He repeated his warning, they shouted even louder. So I
30024 think the world will come to an end amid general applause from all the
30025 wits, who believe that it is a joke.
30026 -- S. A. Kierkegaard (1813-1855)
30028 It has been justly observed by sages of all lands that although a man may be
30029 most happily married and continue in that state with the utmost contentment,
30030 it does not necessarily follow that he has therefore been struck stone-blind.
30033 It has been observed that one's nose is never so happy as when it is
30034 thrust into the affairs of another, from which some physiologists have
30035 drawn the inference that the nose is devoid of the sense of smell.
30036 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
30038 It has been said [by Anatole France], "it is not by amusing oneself
30039 that one learns," and, in reply: "it is *____
\b\b\b\bonly* by amusing oneself that
30041 -- Edward Kasner and James R. Newman
30043 It has been said that man is a rational animal. All my life I have
30044 been searching for evidence which could support this.
30045 -- Bertrand Russell
30047 It has been said that Public Relations is the art of winning friends
30048 and getting people under the influence.
30051 It has just been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
30053 It has long been an article of our folklore that too much knowledge or skill,
30054 or especially consummate expertise, is a bad thing. It dehumanizes those who
30055 achieve it, and makes difficult their commerce with just plain folks, in whom
30056 good old common sense has not been obliterated by mere book learning or fancy
30057 notions. This popular delusion flourishes now more than ever, for we are all
30058 infected with it in the schools, where educationists have elevated it from
30059 folklore to Article of Belief. It enhances their self-esteem and lightens
30060 their labors by providing theoretical justification for deciding that
30061 appreciation, or even simple awareness, is more to be prized than knowledge,
30062 and relating (to self and others), more than skill, in which minimum
30063 competence will be quite enough.
30064 -- The Underground Grammarian
30066 It has long been an axiom of mine that the
30067 little things are infinitely the most important.
30068 -- Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, "A Case of Identity"
30070 It has long been known that birds will occasionally build nests in the
30071 manes of horses. The only known solution to this problem is to sprinkle
30072 baker's yeast in the mane, for, as we all know, yeast is yeast and nest
30073 is nest, and never the mane shall tweet.
30075 It has long been known that one horse can run faster
30076 than another -- but which one? Differences are crucial.
30079 It has long been noticed that juries are pitiless for robbery and full of
30080 indulgence for infanticide. A question of interest, my dear Sir! The jury
30081 is afraid of being robbed and has passed the age when it could be a victim
30085 It is a hard matter, my fellow citizens,
30086 to argue with the belly, since it has no ears.
30087 -- Marcus Porcius Cato
30089 It is a lesson which all history teaches
30090 wise men, to put trust in ideas, and not in circumstances.
30093 It is a poor judge who cannot award a prize.
30095 It is a profitable thing, if one is wise, to seem foolish.
30098 It is a sobering thought that when Mozart was
30099 my age, he had been dead for 2 years.
30102 It is a very humbling experience to make a multimillion-dollar mistake, but
30103 it is also very memorable. I vividly recall the night we decided how to
30104 organize the actual writing of external specifications for OS/360. The
30105 manager of architecture, the manager of control program implementation, and
30106 I were threshing out the plan, schedule, and division of responsibilities.
30107 The architecture manager had 10 good men. He asserted that they
30108 could write the specifications and do it right. It would take ten months,
30109 three more than the schedule allowed.
30110 The control program manager had 150 men. He asserted that they
30111 could prepare the specifications, with the architecture team coordinating;
30112 it would be well-done and practical, and he could do it on schedule.
30113 Furthermore, if the architecture team did it, his 150 men would sit twiddling
30114 their thumbs for ten months.
30115 To this the architecture manager responded that if I gave the control
30116 program team the responsibility, the result would not in fact be on time,
30117 but would also be three months late, and of much lower quality. I did, and
30118 it was. He was right on both counts. Moreover, the lack of conceptual
30119 integrity made the system far more costly to build and change, and I would
30120 estimate that it added a year to debugging time.
30121 -- Frederick Brooks Jr., "The Mythical Man-Month"
30123 It is a wise father that knows his own child.
30124 -- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"
30126 It is against the grain of modern education to teach children to
30127 program. What fun is there in making plans, acquiring discipline in
30128 organizing thoughts, devoting attention to detail, and learning to be
30132 It is against the law for a monster to enter the corporate limits of
30135 It is all right to hold a conversation,
30136 but you should let go of it now and then.
30139 It is always preferable to visit home with a friend. Your parents will
30140 not be pleased with this plan, because they want you all to themselves
30141 and because in the presence of your friend, they will have to act like
30142 mature human beings ...
30143 -- Playboy, January 1983
30145 It is always the best policy to speak the truth,
30146 unless of course you are an exceptionally good liar.
30147 -- Jerome K. Jerome
30149 It is always the best policy to tell the truth, unless, of course,
30150 you are an exceptionally good liar.
30151 -- Jerome K. Jerome
30153 It is amazing how complete is the delusion that beauty is goodness.
30155 It is amusing that a virtue is made of the vice of chastity; and it's a
30156 pretty odd sort of chastity at that, which leads men straight into the
30157 sin of Onan, and girls to the waning of their color.
30160 It is an important and popular fact that things are not always what
30161 they seem. For instance, on the planet Earth, man had always assumed
30162 that he was more intelligent than dolphins because he had achieved so
30163 much -- the wheel, New York wars and so on -- whilst all the dolphins
30164 had ever done was muck about in the water having a good time. But
30165 conversely, the dolphins had always believed that they were far more
30166 intelligent than man -- for precisely the same reasons.
30168 Curiously enough, the dolphins had long known of the impending
30169 destruction of the planet Earth and had made many attempts to
30170 alert mankind to the danger; but most of their communications were
30172 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
30174 It is annoying to be honest to no purpose.
30175 -- Publius Ovidius Naso (Ovid)
30177 It is bad luck to be superstitious.
30178 -- Andrew W. Mathis
30180 [It is] best to confuse only one issue at a time.
30183 It is better for civilization to be going down the drain than to be
30187 It is better never to have been born. But who among us has such luck?
30188 One in a million, perhaps.
30190 It is better to be bow-legged than no-legged.
30192 It is better to be on penicillin, than never to have loved at all.
30194 It is better to burn out than it is to rust.
30196 It is better to die on your feet than to live on your knees.
30198 It is better to give than to lend, and it costs about the same.
30200 It is better to have loved a short man than never to have loved a tall.
30202 It is better to have loved and lost -- much better.
30204 It is better to have loved and lost than just to have lost.
30206 It is better to kiss an avocado than to get in a fight with an aardvark.
30208 It is better to live rich than to die rich.
30211 It is better to remain childless than to father an orphan.
30213 It is better to travel hopefully than to fly Continental.
30215 It is better to wear chains than to believe you are free,
30216 and weight yourself down with invisible chains.
30218 It is better to wear out than to rust out.
30220 It is by the fortune of God that, in this country, we have three
30221 benefits: freedom of speech, freedom of thought, and the wisdom never
30225 It is common sense to take a method and try it. If it fails,
30226 admit it frankly and try another. But above all, try something.
30227 -- Franklin D. Roosevelt
30229 It is contrary to reasoning to say that there
30230 is a vacuum or space in which there is absolutely nothing.
30233 It is convenient that there be gods, and,
30234 as it is convenient, let us believe there are.
30235 -- Publius Ovidius Naso (Ovid)
30237 It is dangerous for a national candidate to say things that people might
30241 It is difficult to legislate morality in the absence of moral legislators.
30243 It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both
30244 incisive and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by
30245 twelve dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper.
30248 It is difficult to soar with the eagles when you work with turkeys.
30250 It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle if it is
30252 -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
30254 It is easier to be a "humanitarian" than to render your own country its
30255 proper due; it is easier to be a "patriot" than to make your community
30256 a better place to live in; it is easier to be a "civic leader" than to
30257 treat your own family with loving understanding; for the smaller the
30258 focus of attention, the harder the task.
30259 -- Sydney J. Harris
30261 It is easier to change the specification to fit the program than vice
30264 It is easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them.
30267 It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
30269 It is easier to make a saint out of a libertine than out of a prig.
30270 -- George Santayana
30272 It is easier to resist at the beginning than at the end.
30273 -- Leonardo da Vinci
30275 It is easier to run down a hill than up one.
30277 It is easier to write an incorrect program than understand a correct
30280 It is easy when we are in prosperity to give advice to the afflicted.
30283 It is enough to make one sympathize with a tyrant for the determination
30284 of his courtiers to deceive him for their own personal ends...
30285 -- Russell Baker and Charles Peters
30287 It is equally bad when one speeds on the guest unwilling to go, and when he
30288 holds back one who is hastening. Rather one should befriend the guest who
30289 is there, but speed him when he wishes.
30290 -- Homer, "The Odyssey"
30292 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
30293 referring to scheduling.]
30295 It is exactly because a man cannot do a
30296 thing that he is a proper judge of it.
30299 It is explained that all relationships require a little give and take. This
30300 is untrue. Any partnership demands that we give and give and give and at the
30301 last, as we flop into our graves exhausted, we are told that we didn't give
30303 -- Quentin Crisp, "How to Become a Virgin"
30305 It is far better to be deceived than to be undeceived by those we love.
30307 It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities
30311 It is Fortune, not Wisdom, that rules man's life.
30314 to become lachrymose over precipitately departed lactate fluid.
30316 to attempt to indoctrinate a superannuated canine with
30317 innovative maneuvers.
30319 It is generally agreed that "Hello" is an appropriate greeting because
30320 if you entered a room and said "Goodbye," it could confuse a lot of
30322 -- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot"
30324 It is hard to predict, in particular about the future.
30325 -- Robert Storm Petersen
30327 It is idle to attempt to talk a young woman out of her passion:
30328 love does not lie in the ear.
30331 It is illegal to drive more than two thousand sheep down Hollywood
30332 Boulevard at one time.
30334 It is illegal to say "Oh, Boy" in Jonesboro, Georgia.
30336 It is imperative when flying coach that you restrain any tendency toward
30337 the vividly imaginative. For although it may momentarily appear to be the
30338 case, it is not at all likely that the cabin is entirely inhabited by
30339 crying babies smoking inexpensive domestic cigars.
30340 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"
30342 It is impossible for an optimist to be pleasantly surprised.
30344 It is impossible to defend perfectly
30345 against the attack of those who want to die.
30347 It is impossible to enjoy idling thoroughly
30348 unless one has plenty of work to do.
30349 -- Jerome Klapka Jerome
30351 It is impossible to enjoy idling unless there is plenty of work to do.
30352 -- Jerome K. Jerome
30354 It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry
30358 It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so
30361 It is impossible to travel faster than light, and certainly not
30362 desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off.
30366 So wrapped up in red tape that the situation is almost hopeless.
30368 It is indeed desirable to be well descended,
30369 but the glory belongs to our ancestors.
30372 It is like saying that for the cause of peace,
30373 God and the Devil will have a high-level meeting.
30374 -- Rev. Carl McIntire, on Nixon's China trip
30376 It is most dangerous nowadays for a husband to pay any attention to his
30377 wife in public. It always makes people think that he beats her when
30378 they're alone. The world has grown so suspicious of anything that looks
30379 like a happy married life.
30382 It is Mr. Mellon's credo that $200,000,000 can do no wrong. Our
30383 offense consists in doubting it.
30384 -- Justice Robert H. Jackson
30386 It is much easier to be critical than to be correct.
30387 -- Benjamin Disraeli
30389 It is much easier to suggest solutions when you know nothing about the
30392 It is much harder to find a job than to keep one.
30394 It is necessary for the welfare of society that genius should be
30395 privileged to utter sedition, to blaspheme, to outrage good taste, to
30396 corrupt the youthful mind, and generally to scandalize one's uncles.
30397 -- George Bernard Shaw
30399 It is no wonder that people are so horrible when they start life as children.
30402 It is not a good omen when goldfish commit suicide.
30404 It is not doing the thing we like to do, but liking the thing we have to do,
30405 that makes life blessed.
30406 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
30408 It is not enough that I should succeed. Others must fail.
30409 -- Ray Kroc, founder of McDonald's
30410 [Also attributed to David Merrick. Ed.]
30412 It is not enough to succeed. Others must fail.
30414 [Great minds think alike? Ed.]
30416 It is not enough to have a good mind.
30417 The main thing is to use it well.
30420 It is not enough to have great qualities,
30421 we should also have the management of them.
30422 -- La Rochefoucauld
30424 It is not enough to succeed. Others must fail.
30427 It is not every question that deserves an answer.
30430 It is not for me to attempt to fathom the
30431 inscrutable workings of Providence.
30432 -- The Earl of Birkenhead
30434 It is not good for a man to be without knowledge,
30435 and he who makes haste with his feet misses his way.
30438 It is not necessary to inquire whether a woman would like something for
30439 dessert. The answer is yes, she would like something for dessert, but
30440 she would like you to order it so she can pick at it with your fork. She
30441 does not want you to call attention to this by saying, "If you wanted a
30442 dessert, why didn't you order one?" You must understand, she has the
30443 dessert she wants. The dessert she wants is contained within yours.
30444 -- Merrill Marcoe, "An Insider's Guide to the American Woman"
30446 It is not that polar co-ordinates are complicated, it is simply
30447 that Cartesian co-ordinates are simpler than they have a right to be.
30448 -- Kleppner & Kolenhow, "An Introduction to Mechanics"
30450 It is not the critic who counts, or how the strong man stumbled, or whether
30451 the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the
30452 man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and
30453 blood, who strives valiantly, who errs and comes short again and again; who
30454 knows the great enthusiasm, the great devotion, and who spends himself in a
30455 worthy cause, and if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that
30456 he'll never be with those cold and timid souls who never know either victory
30460 It is not true that life is one damn thing after another -- it's one
30461 damn thing over and over.
30462 -- Edna St. Vincent Millay
30464 It is November first 1940; in the famous sound stage of THE WIZARD OF OZ on
30465 the MGM lot, a little man is lying face-up on the yellow brick road. His
30466 wide eyes stare upward into the blinding stage lights. He is wearing a
30467 kind of comic soldier's uniform with a yellow coat and puffy sleeves and
30468 big fez-like blue and yellow hat with a feather on top. His yellow hair
30469 and beard are the phony straw color of Hollywood. He could pass for some
30470 kind of cute in the typical tinsel-town way if it wasn't for the knife
30471 sticking out of his chest. *Someone had murdered a Munchkin.*
30472 -- Stuart Kaminsky, "Murder on the Yellow Brick Road"
30474 It is now 10 p.m. Do you know where Henry Kissinger is?
30475 -- Elizabeth Carpenter
30477 It is now pitch dark. If you proceed, you will likely fall into a pit.
30479 It is now quite lawful for a Catholic woman to avoid pregnancy by a resort
30480 to mathematics, though she is still forbidden to resort to physics and
30484 It is often easier to ask for forgiveness than to ask for permission.
30485 -- Grace Murray Hopper
30487 It is one of the superstitions of the human mind to have imagined that
30488 virginity could be a virtue.
30491 It is one thing to praise discipline, and another to submit to it.
30494 It is only by risking our persons from one hour to another that we live
30495 at all. And often enough our faith beforehand in an uncertified result
30496 is the only thing that makes the result come true.
30499 It is only people of small moral stature who have to stand on their
30502 It is only the great men who are truly obscene. If they had not dared
30503 to be obscene, they could never have dared to be great.
30506 It is only with the heart one can see clearly;
30507 what is essential is invisible to the eye.
30508 -- The Fox, "The Little Prince"
30510 It is possible by ingenuity and at the expense of clarity... {to do almost
30511 anything in any language}. However, the fact that it is possible to push
30512 a pea up a mountain with your nose does not mean that this is a sensible
30513 way of getting it there. Each of these techniques of language extension
30514 should be used in its proper place.
30515 -- Christopher Strachey
30517 It is possible that blondes also prefer gentlemen.
30518 -- Maimie Van Doren
30520 It is practically impossible to teach good programming to students that
30521 have had a prior exposure to BASIC: as potential programmers they are
30522 mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration.
30523 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5
30525 It is ridiculous to call this an industry. This is not. This is rat eat
30526 rat, dog eat dog. I'll kill 'em, and I'm going to kill 'em before they
30527 kill me. You're talking about the American way of survival of the fittest.
30528 -- Ray Kroc, founder of McDonald's
30530 It is right that he too should have his little chronicle, his memories,
30531 his reason, and be able to recognize the good in the bad, the bad in the
30532 worst, and so grow gently old all down the unchanging days and die one
30533 day like any other day, only shorter.
30534 -- Samuel Beckett, "Malone Dies"
30536 It is said an Eastern monarch once charged his wise men to invent him a
30537 sentence to be ever in view, and which should be true and appropriate
30538 in all times and situations. They presented him the words: "And this,
30539 too, shall pass away."
30542 It is said that the lonely eagle flies to the mountain peaks while the
30543 lowly ant crawls the ground, but cannot the soul of the ant soar as
30546 It is so soon that I am done for, I wonder what I was begun for.
30547 -- Epitaph, Cheltenham Churchyard
30549 It is so stupid of modern civilization to have given up believing in the
30550 devil when he is the only explanation of it.
30551 -- Ronald Knox, "Let Dons Delight"
30553 It is so very hard to be an on-your-own-take-care-of-
30554 yourself-because-there-is-no-one-else-to-do-it-for-you grown up.
30556 It is something to be able to paint a particular picture, or to carve a
30557 statue, and so to make a few objects beautiful; but it is far more
30558 glorious to carve and paint the very atmosphere and medium through
30559 which we look, which morally we can do. To affect the quality of the
30560 day, that is the highest of arts.
30561 -- Henry David Thoreau, "Where I Live"
30563 It is sweet to let the mind unbend on occasion.
30564 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
30566 It is Texas law that when two trains meet each other at a railroad
30567 crossing, each shall come to a full stop, and neither shall proceed
30568 until the other has gone.
30570 It is the business of little minds to shrink.
30573 It is the business of the future to be dangerous.
30576 It is the nature of extreme self-lovers, as they will
30577 set a house on fire, and it were but to roast their eggs.
30580 It is the quality rather than the quantity that matters.
30581 -- Lucius Annaeus Seneca
30583 It is the wisdom of crocodiles, that shed tears when they would devour.
30586 It is the wise bird who builds his nest in a tree.
30588 It is through symbols that man consciously or unconsciously
30589 lives, works and has his being.
30592 It is true that if your paperboy throws your paper into the bushes for
30593 five straight days it can be explained by Newton's Law of Gravity. But
30594 it takes Murphy's law to explain why it is happening to you.
30596 It is up to us to produce better-quality movies.
30598 producer of "Stuff Stephanie in the Incinerator"
30600 It is very vulgar to talk like a dentist when one isn't a dentist.
30601 It produces a false impression.
30604 It is when I struggle to be brief that I become obscure.
30605 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
30607 It is wise to keep in mind that neither success nor failure is ever final.
30610 It is your concern when your neighbor's wall is on fire.
30611 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
30613 It isn't easy being a Friday kind of person in a Monday kind of world.
30615 It isn't easy being green.
30618 It isn't easy being the parent of a six-year-old. However, it's a pretty
30619 small price to pay for having somebody around the house who understands
30622 It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be
30626 It isn't whether you win or lose, it's how much money you end up with.
30627 -- Jack T. Shakespeare
30629 It just doesn't seem right to go over the river and through the woods
30630 to Grandmother's condo.
30632 It looked like something resembling white marble, which was
30633 probably what it was: something resembling white marble.
30634 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
30636 It looks like blind screaming hedonism won out.
30638 It looks like it's up to me to save our skins.
30639 Get into that garbage chute, flyboy!
30640 -- Princess Leia Organa
30642 IT MAKES ME MAD when I go to all the trouble of having Marta cook up about
30643 a hundred drumsticks, then the guy at Marineland says, "You can't throw
30644 that chicken to the dolphins. They eat fish."
30646 Sure they eat fish if that's all you give them! Man, wise up.
30647 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican", 1988.
30649 It [marriage] happens as with cages: the birds without despair
30650 to get in, and those within despair of getting out.
30651 -- Michel Eyquem de Montaigne
30653 It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether *I* win
30657 It may be bad manners to talk with your mouth full, but it isn't too
30658 good either if you speak when your head is empty.
30660 It may be better to be a live jackal than a dead lion, but it is
30661 better still to be a live lion. And usually easier.
30664 It may be that your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a
30667 It may or may not be worthwhile, but it still has to be done.
30669 It must be remembered that there is nothing more difficult to plan, more
30670 doubtful of success, nor more dangerous to manage, than the creation of
30671 a new system. For the initiator has the enmity of all who would profit
30672 by the preservation of the old institutions and merely lukewarm defenders
30673 in those who would gain by the new ones.
30674 -- Niccolo Machiavelli, 1513
30676 It must have been some unmarried fool that said "A child can ask questions
30677 that a wise man cannot answer"; because, in any decent house, a brat that
30678 starts asking questions is promptly packed off to bed.
30681 It now costs more to amuse a child than it once did to educate his father.
30683 It occurred to me lately that nothing has occurred to me lately.
30685 It pays in England to be a revolutionary and a bible-smacker most of
30686 one's life and then come round.
30687 -- Lord Alfred Douglas
30689 It pays to be obvious, especially if you have a reputation for subtlety.
30691 It proves what they say, give the public what they want to see and
30692 they'll come out for it.
30693 -- Red Skelton, surveying the funeral of Hollywood mogul
30696 "It runs like _
\bx, where _
\bx is something unsavory"
30697 -- Prof. Romas Aleliunas, CS 435
30699 It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones
30700 slept better... while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much
30702 -- Woody Allen, "Side Effects"
30704 It seems a little silly now, but this country
30705 was founded as a protest against taxation.
30707 It seems appropriate to me that Mapplethorpe's perverse images should
30708 be situated so close to Congress, which perpetuates a number of
30709 unnatural acts upon the body politic every day, without benefit of
30710 artificial lubrication or foreplay.
30711 -- Pat Calafia's review of Camille Paglia's
30712 "Sex, Art and American Culture"
30714 It seems intuitively obvious to me, which means that it might be wrong.
30717 It seems like the less a statesman amounts to, the more he loves the
30720 It seems that more and more mathematicians are using a new, high level
30721 language named "research student".
30723 It seems to make an auto driver mad if he misses you.
30725 It seems to me that nearly every woman I know wants a man who knows how
30726 to love with authority. Women are simple souls who like simple things,
30727 and one of the simplest is one of the simplest to give. ... Our family
30728 airedale will come clear across the yard for one pat on the head. The
30729 average wife is like that.
30730 -- Episcopal Bishop James Pike
30732 It shall be unlawful for any suspicious person to be within the
30734 -- Local ordinance, Euclid Ohio
30736 It takes a smart husband to have the last word and not use it.
30738 It takes a special kind of courage to face what we all have to face.
30740 It takes all kinds to fill the freeways.
30743 It takes both a weapon, and two people, to commit a murder.
30745 It takes less time to do a thing right
30746 than it does to explain why you did it wrong.
30747 -- H. W. Longfellow
30749 It takes two to tell the truth: one to speak and one to hear.
30751 It took a while to surface, but it appears that a long-distance credit card
30752 may have saved a U.S. Army unit from heavy casualties during the Grenada
30753 military rescue/invasion. Major General David Nichols, Air Force ... said
30754 the Army unit was in a house surrounded by Cuban forces. One soldier found
30755 a telephone and, using his credit card, called Ft. Bragg, N.C., telling Army
30756 officers there of the perilous situation. The officers in turn called the
30757 Air Force, which sent in gunships to scatter the Cubans and relieve the unit.
30758 -- Aviation Week and Space Technology
30760 It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing,
30761 but I couldn't give it up because by that time I was too famous.
30764 It turned out that the worm exploited three or four different holes in the
30765 system. From this, and the fact that we were able to capture and examine
30766 some of the source code, we realized that we were dealing with someone very
30767 sharp, probably not someone here on campus.
30768 -- Dr. Richard LeBlanc, associate professor of ICS, in
30769 Georgia Tech's campus newspaper after the Internet worm.
30771 It used to be the fun was in
30772 The capture and kill.
30773 In another place and time
30774 I did it all for thrills.
30777 It usually takes more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech.
30780 It was a book to kill time for those who liked it better dead.
30782 It was a brave man that ate the first oyster.
30784 It was a fine, sweet night, the nicest since my divorce, maybe the nicest
30785 since the middle of my marriage. There was energy, softness, grace and
30786 laughter. I even took my socks off. In my circle, that means class.
30787 -- Andrew Bergman "The Big Kiss-off of 1944"
30789 It was a virgin forest, a place where the Hand of Man had never set
30792 It was all so different before everything changed.
30794 It was kinda like stuffing the wrong card in a computer,
30795 when you're stickin' those artificial stimulants in your arm.
30796 -- Dion, noted computer scientist
30798 It was one of those perfect summer days -- the sun was shining, a
30799 breeze was blowing, the birds were singing, and the lawn mower was
30803 It was one time too many
30805 It was all too much for me and you
30806 There was one way to go
30807 Nothing more we could do
30812 It was Penguin lust... at its ugliest.
30814 It was pity stayed his hand. "Pity I don't have any more bullets,"
30816 -- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings"
30818 "It was pleasant to me to get a letter from you the other day. Perhaps
30819 I should have found it pleasanter if I had been able to decipher it. I
30820 don't think that I mastered anything beyond the date (which I knew) and
30821 the signature (which I guessed at). There's a singular and a perpetual
30822 charm in a letter of yours; it never grows old, it never loses its
30823 novelty ... Other letters are read and thrown away and forgotten, but
30824 yours are kept forever -- unread. One of them will last a reasonable
30828 It was raining heavily, and the motorist had car trouble on a lonely country
30829 road. Anxious to find shelter for the night, he walked over to a farmhouse
30830 and knocked on the front door. No one responded. He could feel the water
30831 from the roof running down the back of his neck as he stood on the stoop.
30832 The next time he knocked louder, but still no answer. By now he was soaked
30833 to the skin. Desperately he pounded on the door. At last the head of a
30834 man appeared out of an upstairs window.
30835 "What do you want?" he asked gruffly.
30836 "My car broke down," said the traveler, "and I want to know if you
30837 would let me stay here for the night."
30838 "Sure," replied the man. "If you want to stay there all night, it's
30841 It was the Law of the Sea, they said. Civilization ends at the waterline.
30842 Beyond that, we all enter the food chain, and not always right at the top.
30843 -- Hunter S. Thompson
30845 It was wonderful to find America, but it
30846 would have been more wonderful to miss it.
30849 It wasn't exactly a divorce -- I was traded.
30852 It wasn't that she had a rose in her teeth, exactly. It was more like
30853 the rose and the teeth were in the same glass.
30855 It will be advantageous to cross the great stream ... the Dragon is on
30856 the wing in the Sky ... the Great Man rouses himself to his Work.
30858 It will be generally found that those who sneer habitually at human
30859 nature and affect to despise it, are among its worst and least pleasant
30863 It would be nice if the Food and Drug Administration stopped issuing
30864 warnings about toxic substances and just gave me the names of one or
30865 two things still safe to eat.
30868 It would be nice to be sure of anything
30869 the way some people are of everything.
30871 It would save me a lot of time if you just gave up and went mad now.
30874 Slanted to the right to emphasize key phrases. Unique to
30875 Western alphabets; in Eastern languages, the same phrases
30876 are often slanted to the left.
30878 It'll be a nice world if they ever get it finished.
30880 It'll be just like Beggars Canyon back home.
30883 It's a .88 magnum -- it goes through schools.
30886 It's a brave man who, when things are at their darkest, can kick back
30888 -- Dennis Quaid, "Inner Space"
30890 It's a damn poor mind that can only think of one way to spell a word.
30893 It's a dog-eat-dog world out there, and I'm wearing Milkbone underwear.
30896 It's a good thing we don't get all the government we pay for.
30898 It's a naive, domestic operating system without any
30899 breeding, but I think you'll be amused by its presumption.
30901 It's a poor workman who blames his tools.
30903 It's a recession when your neighbor loses his job; it's a depression
30904 when you lose yours.
30907 It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
30911 "What's a summons?"
30912 "It means summon's in trouble."
30913 -- Rocky and Bullwinkle
30915 It's a very *__
\b\bUN*lucky week in which to be took dead.
30916 -- Churchy La Femme
30918 It's all in the mind, ya know.
30920 It's all right letting yourself go as long as you can let yourself back.
30923 It's all so painfully empty and lonesome... I don't think I can stand
30924 any more of it... the whole dreadful way we are born, die, and are
30925 never missed. The fact there is *nobody*... nobody really... We come
30926 out of a yawning tomb of flesh and sink back finally into another tomb.
30927 What is the point of it all? Who thought up this sickening circle of
30928 flesh and blood? We come into the world bleeding and cut and our bones
30929 half-crushed only to emerge and suffer more torment, mutilation, and
30930 then at the last lie down in some hole in the ground forever. Who could
30931 have thought it up, I wonder?
30934 It's always a long day; 86400 doesn't fit into a short.
30936 It's always darkest just before it gets pitch black.
30938 It's always darkest just before the lights go out.
30941 It's amazing how many people you could be friends
30942 with if only they'd make the first approach.
30944 It's amazing how much better you feel once you've given up hope.
30946 It's amazing how much "mature wisdom" resembles being too tired.
30948 It's amazing how nice people are to you when they know you're going away.
30951 It's bad enough that life is a rat-race,
30952 but why do the rats always have to win?
30954 It's bad luck to be superstitious.
30955 -- Andrew W. Mathis
30957 It's better to be quotable than to be honest.
30960 It's better to be wanted for murder than not to be wanted at all.
30963 It's better to burn out than it is to rust.
30965 It's better to burn out than to fade away.
30967 It's better to have loved and lost -- much better.
30969 It's business doing pleasure with you.
30971 It's clever, but is it art?
30973 It's difficult to see the picture when you are inside the frame.
30975 "It's easier said than done."
30977 ... and if you don't believe it, try proving that it's easier done than
30978 said, and you'll see that "it's easier said that `it's easier done than
30979 said' than it is done", which really proves that "it's easier said than
30982 It's easier to be a liberal a long way from home.
30985 It's easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them.
30987 It's easier to get forgiveness for being wrong than forgiveness for
30990 It's easier to take it apart than to put it back together.
30993 It's easy to forgive someone for being wrong;
30994 it's much harder to forgive them for being right.
30996 It's easy to make a friend. What's hard is to make a stranger.
30998 "It's Fabulous! We haven't seen anything like it in the last half an
31002 Its failings notwithstanding, there is much to be said in favor of journalism
31003 in that by giving us the opinion of the uneducated, it keeps us in touch with
31004 the ignorance of the community.
31007 It's faster horses,
31011 -- Tom T. Hall, "The Secret of Life"
31013 It's from Casablanca. I've been waiting all my life to use that line.
31014 -- Woody Allen, "Play It Again, Sam"
31016 It's getting uncommonly easy to kill people in large numbers, and the
31017 first thing a principle does -- if it really is a principle -- is to
31021 It's gonna be alright,
31022 It's almost midnight,
31023 And I've got two more bottles of wine.
31025 It's hard not to like a man of many qualities,
31026 even if most of them are bad.
31028 It's hard to argue that God hated Oklahoma.
31029 If He didn't, why is it so close to Texas?
31031 It's hard to be humble when you're perfect.
31033 It's hard to drive at the limit, but
31034 it's harder to know where the limits are.
31037 It's hard to get ivory in Africa, but in Alabama the Tuscaloosa.
31040 It's hard to keep your shirt on when
31041 you're getting something off your chest.
31043 It's hard to outrun dead people because they don't have to breathe.
31044 -- Hokey, describing "Night of the Living Dead"
31046 It's hard to think of you as the end
31047 result of millions of years of evolution.
31049 It's illegal in Wilbur, Washington, to ride an ugly horse.
31051 It's important that people know what you stand for.
31052 It's more important that they know what you won't stand for.
31054 It's interesting to think that many quite
31055 distinguished people have bodies similar to yours.
31057 It's is not, it isn't ain't, and it's it's, not its, if you mean it is.
31058 If you don't, it's its. Then too, it's hers. It isn't her's. It isn't
31059 our's either. It's ours, and likewise yours and theirs.
31060 -- Oxford University Press, "Edpress News"
31062 It's just a jump to the left
31063 And then a step to the right.
31064 Put your hands on your hips
31065 You bring your knees in tight.
31066 But it's the pelvic thrust
31067 That really drives you insa-a-a-a-a-ane!
31069 LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN!
31071 -- Rocky Horror Picture Show
31073 It's just apartment house rules,
31074 So all you 'partment house fools
31075 Remember: one man's ceiling is another man's floor.
31076 One man's ceiling is another man's floor.
31077 -- Paul Simon, "One Man's Ceiling Is Another Man's Floor"
31079 "It's kind of fun to do the impossible."
31082 It's later than you think.
31084 It's later than you think, the joint
31085 Russian-American space mission has already begun.
31087 It's like deja vu all over again.
31094 and even the teddy bears
31097 It's lucky you're going so slowly, because you're going in the wrong
31100 "It's men like him that give the Y chromosome a bad name."
31102 It's more than magnificent -- it's mediocre.
31105 It's multiple choice time...
31109 a: Between thre and fiv tran.
31110 b: What two computers engage in before they interface.
31113 Its name is Public Opinion. It is held in reverence.
31114 It settles everything. Some think it is the voice of God.
31117 It's never too late to have a happy childhood.
31119 It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding
31120 a sickness you like.
31123 It's no surprise that things are so screwed up: everyone that knows how
31124 to run a government is either driving taxicabs or cutting hair.
31127 It's no use crying over spilt milk -- it only makes it salty for the cat.
31129 It's not against any religion to want to dispose of a pigeon.
31132 It's not an optical illusion, it just looks like one.
31135 "It's not Camelot, but it's not Cleveland, either."
31136 -- Kevin White, mayor of Boston
31138 It's not easy being green.
31141 It's not enough to be Hungarian; you must have talent too.
31144 It's not hard to admit errors that are [only] cosmetically wrong.
31147 "It's not just a computer -- it's your ass."
31150 It's not reality or how you perceive things that's important -- it's
31151 what you're taking for it...
31153 It's not reality that's important, but how you perceive things.
31155 It's not so hard to lift yourself by your bootstraps once you're off
31159 It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it
31163 It's not the fall that kills you, it's the landing.
31165 It's not the men in my life, but the life in my men that counts.
31168 It's not the valleys in life I dread so much as the dips.
31171 It's not whether you win or lose but how you look playing the game.
31173 It's not whether you win or lose but how you played the game.
31176 It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you look playing the game.
31178 It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you place the blame.
31180 It's odd, and a little unsettling, to reflect upon the fact that
31181 English is the only major language in which "I" is capitalized; in many
31182 other languages "You" is capitalized and the "i" is lower case.
31183 -- Sydney J. Harris
31185 It's only by NOT taking the human race seriously that I retain
31186 what fragments of my once considerable mental powers I still possess.
31189 It's our fault. We should have given him better parts.
31190 -- Jack Warner, on hearing that Reagan had been
31191 elected governor of California.
31193 [Warner is also reported to have said, when told of Reagan's candidacy
31194 for governor, "No, Jimmy Stewart for Governor; Reagan for best friend."]
31196 It's possible that the whole purpose of your life is to serve
31197 as a warning to others.
31199 It's pretty hard to tell what does bring happiness;
31200 poverty and wealth have both failed.
31203 It's raisins that make Post Raisin Bran so raisiny ...
31205 It's really quite a simple choice: Life, Death, or Los Angeles.
31207 It's reassuring to know that if you behave strangely enough,
31208 society will take full responsibility for you.
31210 It's recently come to Fortune's attention that scientists have stopped
31211 using laboratory rats in favor of attorneys. Seems that there are not
31212 only more of them, but you don't get so emotionally attached. The only
31213 difficulty is that it's sometimes difficult to apply the experimental
31216 [Also, there are some things even a rat won't do. Ed.]
31218 It's so beautifully arranged on the plate -- you know someone's fingers
31219 have been all over it.
31220 -- Julia Child on nouvelle cuisine
31222 It's so confusing choosing sides in the heat of the moment,
31223 just to see if it's real,
31224 Oooh, it's so erotic having you tell me how it should feel,
31225 But I'm avoiding all the hard cold facts that I got to face,
31226 So ask me just one question when this magic night is through,
31227 Could it have been just anyone or did it have to be you?
31228 -- Billy Joel, "Glass Houses"
31230 It's so stupid of modern civilization to have given up believing in the
31231 Devil when he is the only explanation for it.
31233 It's sweet to be remembered, but it's often cheaper to be forgotten.
31235 It's ten o'clock; do you know where your processes are?
31237 It's the good girls who keep the diaries, the bad girls never have the time.
31238 -- Tallulah Bankhead
31240 It's the opinion of some that crops could be grown on the moon. Which
31241 raises the fear that it may not be long before we're paying somebody
31243 -- Franklin P. Jones
31245 It's the same old story; boy meets beer, boy drinks beer...
31246 boy gets another beer.
31249 It's the thought, if any, that counts!
31251 "It's today!" said Piglet.
31252 "My favorite day," said Pooh.
31254 It's useless to try to hold some people to anything they say while they're
31255 madly in love, drunk, or running for office.
31257 It's very glamorous to raise millions of dollars, until it's time for the
31258 venture capitalist to suck your eyeballs out.
31259 -- Peter Kennedy, chairman of Kraft & Kennedy
31261 It's very inconvenient to be mortal -- you never
31262 know when everything may suddenly stop happening.
31264 IV. The time required for an object to fall twenty stories is greater than or
31265 equal to the time it takes for whoever knocked it off the ledge to
31266 spiral down twenty flights to attempt to capture it unbroken.
31267 Such an object is inevitably priceless, the attempt to capture it
31268 inevitably unsuccessful.
31269 V. All principles of gravity are negated by fear.
31270 Psychic forces are sufficient in most bodies for a shock to propel
31271 them directly away from the earth's surface. A spooky noise or an
31272 adversary's signature sound will induce motion upward, usually to
31273 the cradle of a chandelier, a treetop, or the crest of a flagpole.
31274 The feet of a character who is running or the wheels of a speeding
31275 auto need never touch the ground, especially when in flight.
31276 VI. As speed increases, objects can be in several places at once.
31277 This is particularly true of tooth-and-claw fights, in which a
31278 character's head may be glimpsed emerging from the cloud of
31279 altercation at several places simultaneously. This effect is common
31280 as well among bodies that are spinning or being throttled. A "wacky"
31281 character has the option of self-replication only at manic high
31282 speeds and may ricochet off walls to achieve the velocity required.
31283 -- Esquire, "O'Donnell's Laws of Cartoon Motion", June 1980
31285 I've already told you more than I know.
31287 I've always considered statesmen to be more expendable than soldiers.
31289 I've always felt sorry for people that don't drink -- remember,
31290 when they wake up, that's as good as they're gonna feel all day!
31292 I've always made it a solemn practice to never
31293 drink anything stronger than tequila before breakfast.
31296 I've been in more laps than a napkin.
31301 I've been on a diet for two weeks and all I've lost is two weeks.
31304 I've been on this lonely road so long,
31305 Does anybody know where it goes,
31306 I remember last time the signs pointed home,
31308 -- Carpenters, "Road Ode"
31312 I've built a better model than the one at Data General
31313 For data bases vegetable, animal, and mineral
31314 My OS handles CPUs with multiplexed duality;
31315 My PL/1 compiler shows impressive functionality.
31316 My storage system's better than magnetic core polarity,
31317 You never have to bother checking out a bit for parity;
31318 There isn't any reason to install non-static floor matting;
31319 My disk drive has capacity for variable formatting.
31321 I feel compelled to mention what I know to be a gloating point:
31322 There's lots of room in memory for variables floating-point,
31323 Which shows for input vegetable, animal, and mineral
31324 I've built a better model than the one at Data General.
31326 -- Steve Levine, "A Computer Song" (To the tune of
31327 "Modern Major General", from "Pirates of Penzance",
31328 by Gilbert & Sullivan)
31330 I've enjoyed just about as much of this as I can stand.
31332 I've finally learned what "upward compatible" means.
31333 It means we get to keep all our old mistakes.
31334 -- Dennie van Tassel
31336 I've found my niche. If you're wondering why I'm not there, there was
31337 this little hole in the bottom ...
31340 I've given up reading books; I find it takes my mind off myself.
31342 I've got a very bad feeling about this.
31345 I've got all the money I'll ever need if I die by 4 o'clock.
31348 I've got some powdered water, but I don't know what to add.
31351 I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.
31354 I've known him as a man, as an adolescent and as a child -- sometimes
31357 I've looked at the listing, and it's right!
31360 I've never been canoeing before, but I imagine there must
31361 be just a few simple heuristics you have to remember...
31363 Yes, don't fall out, and don't hit rocks.
31365 I've never been drunk, but often I've been overserved.
31368 I've never been hurt by anything I didn't say.
31371 I've never had a problem with drugs; I've had problems with the police.
31374 I never turn blue in anyone's bathroom. I think that's the height of
31378 I've never struck a woman in my life, not even my own mother.
31381 I've noticed several design suggestions in your code.
31383 I've only got 12 cards.
31385 I've seen better heads on half a pint of beer.
31387 I've seen, I SAY, I've seen better heads on a mug of beer.
31388 -- Senator Claghorn
31390 I've spent almost all of my life with highly intelligent men. They're not
31391 like other men. Their spirit is great and stimulating. They hate strife;
31392 indeed they reject it. Their inventive gifts are boundless. They demand
31393 devotion and obedience. And a sense of humor. I happily gave all of this.
31394 I was lucky to be chosen and clever enough to understand them.
31395 -- Marlene Dietrich, on her friendship with Ernest Hemingway
31397 I've touch'd the highest point of all my greatness;
31398 And from that full meridian of my glory
31399 I haste now to my setting. I shall fall,
31400 Like a bright exhalation in the evening
31401 And no man see me more.
31402 -- William Shakespeare
31404 I've tried several varieties of sex. The conventional position makes
31405 me claustrophobic, and the others either give me a stiff neck or lockjaw.
31406 -- Tallulah Bankhead
31408 Jacquin's Postulate on Democratic Government:
31409 No man's life, liberty, or property are safe while the
31410 legislature is in session.
31414 shy ones, the bold paul scorns all
31415 ones; the meek the girls(the
31416 proud sloppy sleek) bright ones, the dim
31417 all except the cold ones; the slim
31418 ones plump tiny tall)
31423 warped ones, the lamed mike likes all the girls
31425 moronic maimed) fat ones, the lean
31426 all except ones; the mean
31427 the dead ones kind dirty clean)
31429 except the green ones
31432 James Joyce -- an essentially private man who wished his total
31433 indifference to public notice to be universally recognized.
31436 James McNeill Whistler's (painter of "Whistler's Mother") failure in his
31437 West Point chemistry examination once provoked him to remark in later life,
31438 "If silicon had been a gas, I should have been a major general."
31440 Jane and I got mixed up with a television show -- or as we call it back
31441 east here: TV -- a clever contraction derived from the words Terrible
31442 Vaudeville. However, it is our latest medium -- we call it a medium
31443 because nothing's well done. It was discovered, I suppose you've heard,
31444 by a man named Fulton Berle, and it has already revolutionized social
31445 grace by cutting down parlour conversation to two sentences: "What's on
31446 television?" and "Good night".
31447 -- Goodman Ace, letter to Groucho Marx, in The Groucho
31451 A fictional place where elves, gnomes and economic imperialists
31452 create electronic equipment and computers using black magic. It
31453 is said that in the capital city of Akihabara, the streets are
31454 paved with gold and semiconductor chips grow on low bushes from
31455 which they are harvested by the happy natives.
31457 Jealousy is all the fun you think they have.
31464 But only Buddha pays Dividends.
31466 Jim, it's Grace at the bank. I checked your Christmas Club account.
31467 You don't have five-hundred dollars. You have fifty. Sorry, computer foul-up!
31469 Jim, it's Jack. I'm at the airport. I'm going to Tokyo and wanna pay
31470 you the five-hundred I owe you. Catch you next year when I get back!
31473 In a large locker room with hundreds of lockers, the few people
31474 using the facility at any one time will all have lockers next to
31475 each other so that everybody is cramped.
31477 Jim, this is Janelle. I'm flying tonight, so I can't make our date, and
31478 I gotta find a safe place for Daffy. He loves you, Jim! It's only two
31479 days, and you'll see. Great Danes are no problem!
31481 Jim, this is Matty down at Ralph's and Mark's. Some guy named Angel
31482 Martin just ran up a fifty buck bar tab. And now he wants to charge it
31483 to you. You gonna pay it?
31486 The excruciating process during which personnel officers
31487 separate the wheat from the chaff -- then hire the chaff.
31490 Telling your boss what he can do with your job.
31492 Joe Cool always spends the first two weeks at college sailing his frisbee.
31495 Joe sat as his dying wife's bedside.
31496 Her voice was little more than a whisper.
31497 "Joe, darling," she breathed, "I've got a confession to make
31498 before I go. I ... I'm the one who took the $10,000 from your safe...
31499 I spent it on a fling with your best friend, Charles. And it was I who
31500 forced your mistress to leave the city. And I am the one who reported
31501 your income-tax evasion to the I.R.S..."
31502 "That's all right, dearest, don't give it a second thought,"
31503 whispered Joe. "I'm the one who poisoned you."
31505 Joe's sister puts spaghetti in her shoes!
31508 An odd sort of person with a thing for pain.
31510 John Dame May Oscar
31511 Was Gay Was Whitty Was Wilde
31512 But Gerard Hopkins But John Greenleaf But Thornton
31513 Was Manley Was Whittier Was Wilder
31516 JOHN PAUL ELECTED POPE!!
31518 (George and Ringo miffed.)
31520 John the Baptist after poisoning a thief,
31521 Looks up at his hero, the Commander-in-Chief,
31522 Saying tell me great leader, but please make it brief
31523 Is there a hole for me to get sick in?
31524 The Commander-in-Chief answers him while chasing a fly,
31525 Saying death to all those who would whimper and cry.
31526 And dropping a barbell he points to the sky,
31527 Saying the sun is not yellow, it's chicken.
31528 -- Bob Dylan, "Tombstone Blues"
31530 Johnny Carson's Definition:
31531 The smallest interval of time known to man is that which occurs
31532 in Manhattan between the traffic signal turning green and the
31533 taxi driver behind you blowing his horn.
31535 Johnson's First Law:
31536 When any mechanical contrivance fails, it will do so at the
31537 most inconvenient possible time.
31540 Systems resemble the organizations that create them.
31542 Join in the new game that's sweeping the country. It's called
31543 "Bureaucracy". Everybody stands in a circle. The first person to do
31546 Join the army, see the world, meet interesting,
31547 exciting people, and kill them.
31549 Join the march to save individuality!
31551 Join the Navy; sail to far-off exotic lands,
31552 meet exciting interesting people, and kill them.
31555 Anyone who makes a significant contribution to any field of
31556 endeavor, and stays in that field long enough, becomes an
31557 obstruction to its progress -- in direct proportion to the
31558 importance of their original contribution.
31561 The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone
31565 Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate.
31567 Joshu: What is the true Way?
31568 Nansen: Every way is the true Way.
31570 N: The more you study, the further from the Way.
31571 J: If I don't study it, how can I know it?
31572 N: The Way does not belong to things seen: nor to things unseen.
31573 It does not belong to things known: nor to things unknown. Do
31574 not seek it, study it, or name it. To find yourself on it, open
31575 yourself as wide as the sky.
31577 Journalism is literature in a hurry.
31580 Journalism will kill you, but it will keep you alive while you're at it.
31582 Juall's Law on Nice Guys:
31583 Nice guys don't always finish last; sometimes they don't finish.
31584 Sometimes they don't even get a chance to start!
31586 Judges, as a class, display, in the matter of arranging alimony, that
31587 reckless generosity which is found only in men who are giving away
31588 someone else's cash.
31589 -- P. G. Wodehouse, "Louder and Funnier"
31591 Just a few of the perfect excuses for having some strawberry shortcake.
31594 1: It's less calories than two pieces of strawberry shortcake.
31595 2: It's cheaper than going to France.
31596 3: It neutralizes the brownies I had yesterday.
31598 5: It's somebody's birthday. I don't want them to celebrate alone.
31599 6: It matches my eyes.
31600 7: Whoever said, "Let them eat cake." must have been talking to me.
31601 8: To punish myself for eating dessert yesterday.
31602 9: Compensation for all the time I spend in the shower not eating.
31603 10: Strawberry shortcake is evil. I must help rid the world of it.
31604 11: I'm getting weak from eating all that healthy stuff.
31605 12: It's the second anniversary of the night I ate plain broccoli.
31607 Just a song before I go, Going through security
31608 To whom it may concern, I held her for so long.
31609 Traveling twice the speed of sound She finally looked at me in love,
31610 It's easy to get burned. And she was gone.
31611 When the shows were over Just a song before I go,
31612 We had to get back home, A lesson to be learned.
31613 And when we opened up the door Traveling twice the speed of sound
31614 I had to be alone. It's easy to get burned.
31615 She helped me with my suitcase,
31616 She stands before my eyes,
31617 Driving me to the airport
31618 And to the friendly skies.
31619 -- Crosby, Stills, Nash, "Just a Song Before I Go"
31621 Just about every computer on the market today runs Unix, except the Mac
31622 (and nobody cares about it).
31623 -- Bill Joy 6/21/85
31625 Just as I cannot remember any time when I could not read and write, I cannot
31626 remember any time when I did not exercise my imagination in daydreams about
31628 -- George Bernard Shaw
31630 Just as most issues are seldom black or white, so are most good
31631 solutions seldom black or white. Beware of the solution that requires
31632 one side to be totally the loser and the other side to be totally the
31633 winner. The reason there are two sides to begin with usually is
31634 because neither side has all the facts. Therefore, when the wise
31635 mediator effects a compromise, he is not acting from political
31636 motivation. Rather, he is acting from a deep sense of respect for the
31638 -- Stephen R. Schwambach
31640 Just because everything is different doesn't mean anything has
31644 Just because he's dead is no reason to lay off work.
31646 Just because I turn down a contract on a guy doesn't mean he isn't
31650 Just because the message may never be
31651 received does not mean it is not worth sending.
31653 Just because they are called "forbidden" transitions does not mean that they
31654 are forbidden. They are less allowed than allowed transitions, if you see
31656 -- From a Part 2 Quantum Mechanics lecture
31658 Just because you like my stuff doesn't mean I owe you anything.
31661 Just because your doctor has a name for your condition doesn't mean he
31664 Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they AREN'T after you.
31666 Just close your eyes, tap your heels together three times,
31667 and think to yourself, `There's no place like home.'
31668 -- Billie Burke as Glinda, "The Wizard of Oz"
31670 Just give Alice some pencils and she will stay busy for hours.
31672 Just go with the flow control, roll with the crunches, and, when you
31673 get a prompt, type like hell.
31675 Just how difficult it is to write biography can be reckoned by anybody
31676 who sits down and considers just how many people know the real truth
31677 about his or her love affairs.
31680 Just machines to make big decisions,
31681 Programmed by men for compassion and vision,
31682 We'll be clean when their work is done,
31683 We'll be eternally free, yes, eternally young,
31684 What a beautiful world this will be,
31685 What a glorious time to be free.
31686 -- Donald Fagon, "What A Beautiful World"
31688 Just once, I wish we would encounter an alien menace that wasn't
31690 -- Brigadier Lethbridge-Stewart, "Doctor Who"
31692 "Just out of curiosity does this actually mean something or have some
31693 of the few remaining bits of your brain just evaporated?"
31694 -- Patricia O Tuama, rissa@killer.DALLAS.TX.US
31696 "Just remember, it all started with a mouse."
31699 Just remember: when you go to court, you are trusting your fate to
31700 twelve people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty!
31702 Just remember, wherever you go, there you are.
31705 `Just the place for a Snark!' the Bellman cried,
31706 As he landed his crew with care;
31707 Supporting each man on the top of the tide
31708 By a finger entwined in his hair.
31710 `Just the place for a Snark! I have said it twice:
31711 That alone should encourage the crew.
31712 Just the place for a Snark! I have said it thrice:
31713 What I tell you three times is true.'
31714 -- Lewis Carroll, "The Hunting of the Snark"
31716 Just think -- blessed SCSI cables! Do a big enough sacrifice and create
31717 a +5 blessed SCSI cable of connectivity.
31720 Just to have it is enough.
31722 Just weigh your own hurt against the hurt
31723 of all the others, and then do what's best.
31724 -- Lovers and Other Strangers
31726 Just what does "it" mean in the sentence, "What time is it?"
31728 Just when you thought you were winning the rat race, along comes a
31731 Just yesterday morning, they let me know you were gone,
31732 Suzanne, the plans they made put an end to you,
31733 I went out this morning and I wrote down this song,
31734 Just can't remember who to send it to...
31736 Oh, I've seen fire and I've seen rain,
31737 I've seen sunny days that I thought would never end,
31738 I've seen lonely times when I could not find a friend,
31739 But I always thought that I'd see you again.
31740 Thought I'd see you one more time again.
31741 -- James Taylor, "Fire and Rain"
31743 Justice always prevails ... three times out of seven!
31744 -- Michael J. Wagner
31746 Justice is incidental to law and order.
31750 A decision in your favor.
31752 K: Cobalt's metal, hard and shining;
31753 Cobol's wordy and confining;
31754 KOBOLDS topple when you strike them;
31755 Don't feel bad, it's hard to like them.
31756 -- The Roguelet's ABC
31759 In the fight between you and the world, back the world.
31760 -- Franz Kafka, "RS's 1974 Expectation of Days"
31762 Kamikazes do it once.
31765 Where the men are men and so are the women!
31767 Kansas state law requires pedestrians crossing the highways at night to
31770 Karlson's Theorem of Snack Food Packages:
31772 For all P, where P is a package of snack food, P is a SINGLE-SERVING
31773 package of snack food.
31775 Gibson the Cat's Corollary:
31777 For all L, where L is a package of lunch meat, L is Gibson's package
31780 Kath: Can he be present at the birth of his child?
31781 Ed: It's all any reasonable child can expect if the dad is present
31783 -- Joe Orton, "Entertaining Mr. Sloane"
31786 Man and nations will act rationally when all other
31787 possibilities have been exhausted.
31790 Men and nations will act rationally when all other
31791 possibilities have been exhausted.
31793 History teaches us that men and nations behave wisely once they have
31794 exhausted all other alternatives.
31797 Kaufman's First Law of Party Physics:
31798 Population density is inversely proportional
31799 to the square of the distance from the keg.
31802 A policy is a restrictive document to prevent a recurrence
31803 of a single incident, in which that incident is never mentioned.
31805 Keep a diary and one day it'll keep you.
31808 Keep America beautiful. Swallow your beer cans.
31810 Keep ancient lands, your storied pomp! cries she
31811 With silent lips. Give me your tired, your poor,
31812 Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,
31813 The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.
31814 Send these, the homeless, tempest-tossed to me...
31815 -- Emma Lazarus, "The New Colossus"
31817 Keep Cool, but Don't Freeze
31818 -- Hellman's Mayonnaise
31820 Keep emotionally active. Cater to your favorite neurosis.
31822 Keep grandma off the streets -- legalize bingo.
31824 Keep in mind always the four constant Laws of Frisbee:
31825 1) The most powerful force in the world is that of a disc
31826 straining to land under a car, just out of reach (this
31827 force is technically termed "car suck").
31828 2) Never precede any maneuver by a comment more predictive
31830 3) The probability of a Frisbee hitting something is directly
31831 proportional to the cost of hitting it. For instance, a
31832 Frisbee will always head directly towards a policeman or
31833 a little old lady rather than the beat up Chevy.
31834 4) Your best throw happens when no one is watching; when the
31835 cute girl you've been trying to impress is watching, the
31836 Frisbee will invariably bounce out of your hand or hit you
31837 in the head and knock you silly.
31839 Keep it short for pithy sake.
31841 Keep on keepin' on.
31843 Keep patting your enemy on the back until a
31844 small bullet hole appears between your fingers.
31847 Keep the number of passes in a compiler to a minimum.
31850 Keep the phase, baby.
31852 Keep up the good work! But please don't ask me to help.
31854 Keep women you cannot. Marry them and they come to hate the way
31855 you walk across the room; remain their lover, and they jilt you
31856 at the end of six months.
31859 Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back.
31861 Keep your Eye on the Ball,
31862 Your Shoulder to the Wheel,
31863 Your Nose to the Grindstone,
31864 Your Feet on the Ground,
31865 Your Head on your Shoulders.
31866 Now ... try to get something DONE!
31868 Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.
31869 -- Benjamin Franklin
31871 Keep your laws off my body!
31873 Keep your mouth shut and people will think you stupid;
31874 Open it and you remove all doubt.
31876 Ken Thompson has an automobile which he helped design. Unlike most
31877 automobiles, it has neither speedometer, nor gas gauge, nor any of the
31878 numerous idiot lights which plague the modern driver. Rather, if the
31879 driver makes any mistake, a giant "?" lights up in the center of the
31880 dashboard. "The experienced driver", he says, "will usually know
31883 Kennedy's Market Theorem:
31884 Given enough inside information and unlimited credit,
31885 you've got to go broke.
31888 Look for it first where you'd most like to find it.
31891 1. To pack type together as tightly as the kernels on an ear
31892 of corn. 2. In parts of Brooklyn and Queens, N.Y., a small,
31893 metal object used as part of the monetary system.
31896 A part of an operating system that preserves the medieval
31897 traditions of sorcery and black art.
31899 Kerr's Three Rules for a Successful College:
31900 Have plenty of football for the alumni, sex for the students,
31901 and parking for the faculty.
31903 Kettering's Observation:
31904 Logic is an organized way of going wrong with confidence.
31906 Kids always brighten up a house; mostly by leaving the lights on.
31908 Kids have *never* taken guidance from their parents. If you could travel
31909 back in time and observe the original primate family in the original tree,
31910 you would see the primate parents yelling at the primate teenager for sitting
31911 around and sulking all day instead of hunting for grubs and berries like
31912 dad primate. Then you'd see the primate teenager stomp up to his branch
31913 and slam the leaves.
31916 Kids have *_____
\b\b\b\b\bnever* taken guidance from their parents. If you could
31917 travel back in time and observe the original primate family in the
31918 original tree, you would see the primate parents yelling at the primate
31919 teenager for sitting around and sulking all day instead of hunting for
31920 grubs and berries like dad primate. Then you'd see the primate
31921 teenager stomp up to his branch and slam the leaves.
31922 -- Dave Barry, "Kids Today: They Don't Know Dum Diddly
31925 Kill a commy for your mommy.
31927 Kill 'em all, and let God sort 'em out.
31929 Kill for the love of killing! Kill for the love of Kali!
31934 Murder, Maim, and Mutilate!
31939 Killing turkeys causes winter.
31943 Kime's Law for the Reward of Meekness:
31944 Turning the other cheek merely ensures two bruised cheeks.
31947 An affliction of the blood.
31949 Kindness is a language which the deaf can hear and the blind can read.
31952 Kindness is the beginning of cruelty.
31953 -- Muad'dib, "Dune"
31955 Kington's Law of Perforation:
31956 If a straight line of holes is made in a piece of paper, such
31957 as a sheet of stamps or a check, that line becomes the strongest
31960 Kinkler's First Law:
31961 Responsibility always exceeds authority.
31963 Kinkler's Second Law:
31964 All the easy problems have been solved.
31966 Kirk to Enterprise...
31968 Kirk to Enterprise -- beam down yeoman Rand and a six-pack.
31970 Kirkland, Illinois, law forbids bees to fly over the village or through
31971 any of its streets.
31973 Kiss a non-smoker; taste the difference.
31975 Kiss me, Kate, we will be married o' Sunday.
31976 -- William Shakespeare, "The Taming of the Shrew"
31978 Kiss me twice. I'm schizophrenic.
31980 Kiss your keyboard goodbye!
31982 Kissing a fish is like smoking a bicycle.
31984 Kissing a smoker is like licking an ashtray.
31986 Kissing don't last, cookery do.
31989 Kissing your hand may make you feel very good, but a diamond and
31990 sapphire bracelet lasts for ever.
31991 -- Anita Loos, "Gentlemen Prefer Blondes"
31993 Kitchen activity is highlighted.
31994 Butter up a friend.
31996 Kites rise highest against the wind -- not with it.
31997 -- Winston Churchill
31999 Klatu barada nikto.
32001 Kleeneness is next to Godelness.
32003 Klein bottle for rent -- inquire within.
32005 Klein bottle for sale ... inquire within.
32009 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
32011 Kliban's First Law of Dining:
32012 Never eat anything bigger than your head.
32014 Klingon phaser attack from front!!!!!
32015 100% Damage to life support!!!!
32018 An ill-assorted collection of poorly-matching parts, forming a
32020 -- Jackson Granholm, "Datamation"
32023 It is now proved beyond doubt that smoking is one of the leading
32024 causes of statistics.
32026 Knights are hardly worth it.
32027 I mean, all that shell and so little meat...
32033 Sam and Janet Evening...
32035 Knock Knock... (who's there?) Ether! (ether who?) Eather Bunny... Yea!
32038 Stay on the Happy side, always on the happy side,
32039 Stay on the Happy side of life!
32040 Bum bum bum bum bum bum
32041 You will feel no pain, as we drive you insane,
32042 So Stay on the Happy Side of life!
32044 Knock Knock... (who's there?) Anna! (anna who?)
32045 An another eather bunny... [chorus]
32046 Knock Knock... (who's there?) Stilla! (stilla who?)
32047 Still another ether bunny... [chorus]
32048 Knock Knock... (who's there?) Yetta! (yetta who?)
32049 Yet another ether bunny... [chorus]
32050 Knock Knock... (who's there?) Cargo! (cargo who?)
32051 Cargo beep beep and run over eather bunny... [chorus]
32052 Knock Knock... (who's there?) Boo! (boo who?)
32053 Don't Cry! Eather bunny be back next year! [chorus]
32055 Knocked, you weren't in.
32058 Know how to save 5 drowning lawyers?
32066 Know thyself. If you need help, call the C.I.A.
32068 Know what I hate most? Rhetorical questions.
32072 Things you believe.
32074 Knowledge is power.
32077 Knowledge is power -- knowledge shared is power lost.
32078 -- Aleister Crowley
32080 Knowledge without common sense is folly.
32082 Knucklehead: "Knock, knock"
32083 Pee Wee: "Who's there?"
32084 Knucklehead: "Little ol' lady."
32085 Pee Wee: "Liddle ol' lady who?"
32086 Knucklehead: "I didn't know you could yodel"
32089 You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the tracks.
32091 Krogt, n. (chemical symbol: Kr):
32092 The metallic silver coating found on fast-food game cards.
32093 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
32096 Where the only way to determine that the seasons have changed
32097 is to note that people have changed the main topic of conversation.
32098 From mud slides to brush fires.
32101 One of the processes by which A acquires property for B.
32102 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
32104 Lack of capability is usually disguised by lack of interest.
32106 Lack of money is the root of all evil.
32107 -- George Bernard Shaw
32110 (1) Never be first.
32112 (3) Never volunteer for anything.
32114 Lactomangulation, n.:
32115 Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk carton so badly
32116 that one has to resort to using the "illegal" side.
32117 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
32119 La-dee-dee, la-dee-dah.
32121 Ladies and Gentlemen, Hobos and Tramps,
32122 Cross-eyed mosquitos and bowlegged ants,
32123 I come before you to stand behind you
32124 To tell you of something I know nothing about.
32125 Next Thursday (which is good Friday),
32126 There will be a convention held in the
32127 Women's Club which is strictly for Men.
32128 Admission is free, pay at the door,
32129 Pull up a chair, and sit on the floor.
32130 It was a summer's day in winter,
32131 And the snow was raining fast,
32132 As a barefoot boy with shoes on,
32133 Stood sitting in the grass.
32134 Oh, that bright day in the dead of night,
32135 Two dead men got up to fight.
32136 Three blind men to see fair play,
32137 Forty mutes to yell "Hooray"!
32138 Back to back, they faced each other,
32139 Drew their swords and shot each other.
32140 A deaf policeman heard the noise,
32141 Came and arrested those two dead boys.
32143 Ladies, here's a hint: If you're playing against a friend who has big
32144 boobs, bring her to the net and make her hit backhand volleys. That's
32145 the hardest shot for the well endowed. "I've got to hit over them or
32146 under them, but I can't hit through," Annie Jones used to always moan
32147 to me. Not having much in my bra, I found it hard to sympathize with
32149 -- Billie Jean King
32151 Lady, lady, should you meet
32152 One whose ways are all discreet,
32153 One who murmurs that his wife
32154 Is the lodestar of his life,
32155 One who keeps assuring you
32156 That he never was untrue,
32157 Never loved another one...
32158 Lady, lady, better run!
32159 -- Dorothy Parker, "Social Note"
32161 Lady Luck brings added income today.
32162 Lady friend takes it away tonight.
32165 "Winston, if you were my husband, I'd put poison in your coffee."
32167 "Nancy, if you were my wife, I'd drink it."
32169 Lady Astor was giving a costume ball and Winston Churchill asked her what
32170 disguise she would recommend for him. She replied, "Why don't you come
32171 sober, Mr. Prime Minister?"
32173 During a visit to America, Winston Churchill was invited to a buffet
32174 luncheon at which cold fried chicken was served. Returning for a second
32175 helping, he asked politely, "May I have some breast?"
32176 "Mr. Churchill," replied the hostess, "in this country we ask for
32177 white meat or dark meat." Churchill apologized profusely.
32178 The following morning, the lady received a magnificent orchid from
32179 her guest of honor. The accompanying card read: "I would be most obliged if
32180 you would pin this on your white meat."
32183 Look to your stern!
32184 Your house is on fire,
32185 Your children will burn!
32186 So jump ye and sing, for
32187 The very first time
32188 The four lines above
32189 Have been put into rhyme.
32192 Laetrile is the pits.
32194 Lake Erie died for your sins.
32196 ((lambda (foo) (bar foo)) (baz))
32198 Lamonte Cranston once hired a new Chinese manservant. While describing his
32199 duties to the new man, Lamonte pointed to a bowl of candy on the coffee
32200 table and warned him that he was not to take any. Some days later, the new
32201 manservant was cleaning up, with no one at home, and decided to sample some
32202 of the candy. Just than, Cranston walked in, spied the manservant at the
32204 "Pardon me Choy, is that the Shadow's nugate you chew?"
32207 (1) Everything depends.
32208 (2) Nothing is always.
32209 (3) Everything is sometimes.
32211 Language is a virus from another planet.
32212 -- William Burroughs
32214 Lank: Here we go. We're about to set a new record.
32215 Earl: (to the crowd) How about a date?
32216 Lank: We've done it. Earl has set a new record. Turned down by
32220 Lansdale seized on the idea of using Nixon to build support for the
32221 [Vietnamese] elections ... really honest elections, this time. "Oh, sure,
32222 honest, yes, that's right," Nixon said, "so long as you win!" With that
32223 he winked, drove his elbow into Lansdale's arm and slapped his own knee.
32224 -- Richard Nixon, quoted in "Sideshow" by W. Shawcross
32226 Large increases in cost with questionable increases in
32227 performance can be tolerated only in race horses and women.
32230 Largest Number of Driving Test Failures
32231 By April 1970 Mrs. Miriam Hargrave had failed her test thirty-nine
32232 times. In the eight preceding years she had received two hundred and
32233 twelve driving lessons at a cost of L300. She set the new record while
32234 driving triumphantly through a set of red traffic lights in Wakefield,
32235 Yorkshire. Disappointingly, she passed at the fortieth attempt (3 August
32236 1970) but eight years later she showed some of her old magic when she was
32237 reported as saying that she still didn't like doing right-hand turns.
32238 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
32241 All laws are basically false.
32246 Lassie looked brilliant, in part because the farm family she lived with
32247 was made up of idiots. Remember? One of them was always getting
32248 pinned under the tractor, and Lassie was always rushing back to the
32249 farmhouse to alert the other ones. She'd whimper and tug at their
32250 sleeves, and they'd always waste precious minutes saying things: "Do
32251 you think something's wrong? Do you think she wants us to follow her?
32252 What is it, girl?", etc., as if this had never happened before, instead
32253 of every week. What with all the time these people spent pinned under
32254 the tractor, I don't see how they managed to grow any crops
32255 whatsoever. They probably got by on federal crop supports, which
32256 Lassie filed the applications for.
32259 Last guys don't finish nice.
32260 -- Stanley Kelley, on the cult of victory at all costs
32262 "Last night, I came home and realized that everything in my apartment
32263 had been stolen and replaced with an exact duplicate. I told this to
32264 my friend -- he said, `Do I know you?'"
32267 Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up
32268 the pillow was gone.
32271 Last night I met upon the stair
32272 A little man who wasn't there.
32273 He wasn't there again today.
32274 Gee how I wish he'd go away!
32276 Last night the power went out. Good thing my camera had a flash....
32277 The neighbors thought it was lightning in my house, so they called the cops.
32280 "Last week a cop stopped me in my car. He asked me if I had a police
32281 record. I said, no, but I have the new DEVO album. Cops have no sense
32284 Last week's pet, this week's special.
32286 Last year we drove across the country... We switched on the driving...
32287 every half mile. We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip.
32288 I don't remember what it was.
32291 Last yeer I kudn't spel Engineer. Now I are won.
32293 Latin is a language,
32295 First it killed the Romans,
32296 And now it's killing me.
32298 Laugh, and the world ignores you. Crying doesn't help either.
32300 Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone.
32302 Laugh and the world thinks you're an idiot.
32304 Laugh at your problems; everybody else does.
32306 Laugh when you can; cry when you must.
32308 Laughing at you is like drop kicking a wounded humming bird.
32310 "Laughter is the closest distance between two people."
32314 No child throws up in the bathroom.
32316 Lavish spending can be disastrous.
32317 Don't buy any lavishes for a while.
32319 Law enforcement officers should use only the minimum
32320 force necessary in dealing with disorders when they arise.
32323 Law of Communications:
32324 The inevitable result of improved and enlarged communications
32325 between different levels in a hierarchy is a vastly increased area of
32329 Experiments should be reproducible.
32330 They should all fail the same way.
32332 Law of Probable Dispersal:
32333 Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly
32336 Law of Procrastination:
32337 Procrastination avoids boredom; one never has
32338 the feeling that there is nothing important to do.
32340 Law of Selective Gravity:
32341 An object will fall so as to do the most damage.
32343 Jenning's Corollary:
32344 The chance of the bread falling with the buttered side down is
32345 directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.
32348 He who hesitates is lunch.
32350 Law of the Perversity of Nature:
32351 You cannot successfully determine beforehand which side of the
32355 Only the lead dog gets a change of scenery.
32357 Law stands mute in the midst of arms.
32358 -- Marcus Tullius Cicero
32360 Lawful Dungeon Master -- and they're MY laws!
32362 Lawrence Radiation Laboratory keeps all its data in an old gray trunk.
32364 Laws are like sausages. It's better not to see them being made.
32365 -- Otto von Bismarck
32367 Laws of Computer Programming:
32368 1. Any given program, when running, is obsolete.
32369 2. Any given program costs more and takes longer.
32370 3. If a program is useful, it will have to be changed.
32371 4. If a program is useless, it will have to be documented.
32372 5. Any given program will expand to fill all available memory.
32373 6. The value of a program is proportional the weight of its output.
32374 7. Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capability of
32375 the programmer who must maintain it.
32377 Laws of Serendipity:
32379 (1) In order to discover anything, you must be looking for
32381 (2) If you wish to make an improved product, you must already
32382 be engaged in making an inferior one.
32385 A machine which you go into as a pig and come out as a sausage.
32389 When the law is against you, argue the facts.
32390 When the facts are against you, argue the law.
32391 When both are against you, call the other lawyer names.
32393 Lay off the muses, it's a very tough dollar.
32396 Lay on, MacDuff, and curs'd be him who first cries, "Hold, enough!".
32397 -- William Shakespeare
32399 Lays eggs inside a paper bag;
32400 The reason, you will see, no doubt,
32401 Is to keep the lightning out.
32402 But what these unobservant birds
32403 Have failed to notice is that herds
32404 Of bears may come with buns
32405 And steal the bags to hold the crumbs.
32407 Lazlo's Chinese Relativity Axiom:
32408 No matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your defeats --
32409 approximately one billion Chinese couldn't care less.
32412 Marrying a pregnant woman.
32414 Leadership involves finding a parade and getting in front of it; what
32415 is happening in America is that those parades are getting smaller and
32416 smaller -- and there are many more of them.
32417 -- John Naisbitt, "Megatrends"
32419 Learn from other people's mistakes, you don't have time to make your own.
32421 Learn to pause -- or nothing worthwhile can catch up to you.
32423 Learned men are the cisterns of knowledge, not the fountainheads.
32425 Learning at some schools is like drinking from a firehose.
32428 An astonishing new theory, discovered by management consultants
32429 in the 1970's, asserting that the more you do something the
32430 quicker you can do it.
32432 Learning French is trivial: the word for horse is cheval, and
32433 everything else follows in the same way.
32436 Learning without thought is labor lost;
32437 thought without learning is perilous.
32440 Leave no stone unturned.
32444 Mother said there would be days like this,
32445 but she never said that there'd be so many!
32447 Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
32449 Legalize free-enterprise murder: why should governments have all the
32452 Legislation proposed in the Illinois State Legislature, May, 1907:
32453 "Speed upon county roads will be limited to ten miles an hour
32454 unless the motorist sees a bailiff who does not appear to have had a
32455 drink in 30 days, when the driver will be permitted to make what he
32459 When hammering a nail, you will never hit your finger if you
32460 hold the hammer with both hands.
32462 Lemma: All horses are the same color.
32463 Proof (by induction):
32464 Case n = 1: In a set with only one horse, it is obvious that all
32465 horses in that set are the same color.
32466 Case n = k: Suppose you have a set of k+1 horses. Pull one of these
32467 horses out of the set, so that you have k horses. Suppose that all
32468 of these horses are the same color. Now put back the horse that you
32469 took out, and pull out a different one. Suppose that all of the k
32470 horses now in the set are the same color. Then the set of k+1 horses
32471 are all the same color. We have k true => k+1 true; therefore all
32472 horses are the same color.
32473 Theorem: All horses have an infinite number of legs.
32474 Proof (by intimidation):
32475 Everyone would agree that all horses have an even number of legs. It
32476 is also well-known that horses have forelegs in front and two legs in
32477 back. 4 + 2 = 6 legs, which is certainly an odd number of legs for a
32478 horse to have! Now the only number that is both even and odd is
32479 infinity; therefore all horses have an infinite number of legs.
32480 However, suppose that there is a horse somewhere that does not have an
32481 infinite number of legs. Well, that would be a horse of a different
32482 color; and by the Lemma, it doesn't exist.
32484 Lemmings don't grow older, they just die.
32486 Lend money to a bad debtor and he will hate you.
32488 Lensmen eat Jedi for breakfast.
32490 LEO (Jul. 23 to Aug. 22)
32491 Your presence, poise, charm and good looks won't even help you today.
32492 Look over your shoulder; an ugly person may be following you. Be on
32493 your toes. Brush your teeth. Take Geritol.
32495 LEO (July 23 - Aug 22)
32496 You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are
32497 pushy. Most Leo people are bullies. You are vain and dislike
32498 honest criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people
32501 LEO (July 23 - Aug 22)
32502 Your determination and sense of humor will come to the fore.
32503 Your ability to laugh at adversity will be a blessing because
32504 you've got a day coming you wouldn't believe. As a matter of
32505 fact, if you can laugh at what happens to you today, you've got
32506 a sick sense of humor.
32509 I didn't give up sex, I just gave up premature ejaculation.
32511 Let a fool hold his tongue and he will pass for a sage.
32514 Let he who takes the plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.
32516 Let him choose out of my files, his projects to accomplish.
32517 -- William Shakespeare, "Coriolanus"
32519 "Let me assure you that to us here at First National, you're not just a
32520 number. You're two numbers, a dash, three more numbers, another dash
32521 and another number."
32524 Let me not to the marriage of true minds
32525 Admit impediments. Love is not love
32526 Which alters when it alteration finds,
32527 Or bends with the remover to remove:
32528 O, no! it is an ever-fixed mark,
32529 That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
32530 It is the star to every wandering bark,
32531 Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.
32532 Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
32533 Within his bending sickle's compass come;
32534 Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
32535 But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
32536 If this be error and upon me proved,
32537 I never writ, nor no man ever loved.
32538 -- William Shakespeare, Sonnet CXVI
32540 Let me put it this way: today is going to be a learning experience.
32542 Let me take you a button-hole lower.
32543 -- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost"
32545 Let me tell you who the actual "front-runners" are. On one side, you have
32546 George Bush, who is currently going through a sort of fraternity hazing
32547 wherein he has to perform a series of humiliating stunts to win the approval
32548 of the Republican Right. For example, they had him make a speech oozing
32549 praise all over William Loeb, deceased publisher of the Manchester (N.H.)
32550 Union Leader and Slime Journalist. Loeb had dumped viciously all over George
32551 in the 1980 New Hampshire primary. But when the Right held a big tribute
32552 for Loeb, George came back to the fold, like a man with a bungee cord wrapped
32556 Let no guilty man escape.
32559 Let not the sands of time get in your lunch.
32561 Let others praise ancient times; I am glad I was born in these.
32562 -- Ovid (43 B.C. - A.D. 18)
32564 Let sleeping dogs lie.
32567 Let the machine do the dirty work.
32568 -- Kernighan and Plauger, "The Elements of Programming Style"
32570 Let the meek inherit the earth -- they have it coming to them.
32573 Let the people think they govern and they will be governed.
32574 -- William Penn, founder of Pennsylvania
32576 Let the worthy citizens of Chicago get their liquor the best way
32577 they can. I'm sick of the job. It's a thankless one and full of grief.
32580 Let thy maid servant be faithful, strong, and homely.
32581 -- Benjamin Franklin
32583 Let us go then you and I
32584 while the night is laid out against the sky
32585 like a smear of mustard on an old pork pie.
32587 "Nice poem Tom. I have ideas for changes though, why not come over?"
32590 Let us go, through certain half-deserted streets,
32591 The muttering retreats
32592 Of restless nights in one-night cheap hotels
32593 And sawdust restaurants with oyster-shells:
32594 Streets that follow like a tedious argument
32595 Of insidious intent
32596 To lead you to an overwhelming question...
32597 Oh, do not ask, "What is it?"
32598 -- T. S. Eliot, "Love song of J. Alfred Prufrock"
32602 Let us share the deepest secrets of our souls!!!
32606 Let us never negotiate out of fear,
32607 but let us never fear to negotiate.
32610 Let us not look back in anger or forward
32611 in fear, but around us in awareness.
32614 Let us remember that ours is a nation of lawyers and order.
32616 Let us treat men and women well;
32617 Treat them as if they were real;
32619 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
32621 Let your conscience be your guide.
32625 [The state, that's me.]
32629 -- Gary Gilmore, to his firing squad
32631 Let's just be friends and make no special
32632 effort to ever see each other again.
32634 Let's just say that where a change was required, I adjusted. In every
32635 relationship that exists, people have to seek a way to survive. If you
32636 really care about the person, you do what's necessary, or that's the
32637 end. For the first time, I found that I really could change, and the
32638 qualities I most admired in myself I gave up. I stopped being loud and
32639 bossy ... Oh, all right. I was still loud and bossy, but only behind
32641 -- Kate Hepburn, on Tracy and Hepburn
32643 Let's love each other slowly,
32644 reaching for a plane,
32645 of exquisite pleasure,
32649 Let's not complicate our relationship
32650 by trying to communicate with each other.
32652 Let's organize this thing and take all the fun out of it.
32654 Let's remind ourselves that last year's fresh idea is today's cliche.
32657 Let's say your wedding ring falls into your toaster, and when you stick
32658 your hand in to retrieve it, you suffer Pain and Suffering as well as
32659 Mental Anguish. You would sue:
32661 * The toaster manufacturer, for failure to include, in the instructions
32662 section that says you should never never never ever stick you hand
32663 into the toaster, the statement "Not even if your wedding ring falls
32666 * The store where you bought the toaster, for selling it to an obvious
32667 cretin like yourself.
32669 * Union Carbide Corporation, which is not directly responsible in this
32670 case, but which is feeling so guilty that it would probably send you
32671 a large cash settlement anyway.
32674 Let's talk about how to fill out your 1984 tax return. Here's an often
32675 overlooked accounting technique that can save you thousands of
32676 dollars: For several days before you put it in the mail, carry your
32677 tax return around under your armpit. No IRS agent is going to want to
32678 spend hours poring over a sweat-stained document. So even if you owe
32679 money, you can put in for an enormous refund and the agent will
32680 probably give it to you, just to avoid an audit. What does he care?
32681 It's not his money.
32682 -- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes"
32684 LETTERS TO THE EDITOR (The Times of London)
32688 I am firmly opposed to the spread of microchips either to the home or
32689 to the office. We have more than enough of them foisted upon us in
32690 public places. They are a disgusting Americanism, and can only result
32691 in the farmers being forced to grow smaller potatoes, which in turn
32692 will cause massive unemployment in the already severely depressed
32693 agricultural industry.
32696 Capt. Quinton D'Arcy, J. P.
32700 Even if someone doesn't care what the world thinks
32701 about them, they always hope their mother doesn't find out.
32703 Leveraging always beats prototyping.
32705 Lewis's Law of Travel:
32706 The first piece of luggage out of the chute doesn't belong to
32709 L'hazard ne favorise que l'esprit prepare.
32713 A lawyer with a roving commission.
32714 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
32716 Liar: one who tells an unpleasant truth.
32720 Someone too poor to be a capitalist and too rich to be a communist.
32722 Liberals are the first to dump you if you con them or get into
32723 trouble. Conservatives are better. They never run out on you.
32724 -- Joseph "Crazy Joe" Gallo
32726 Liberty don't work as good in practice as it does in speeches.
32727 -- The Best of Will Rogers
32729 Liberty is always dangerous, but it is the safest thing we have.
32730 -- Harry Emerson Fosdick
32732 LIBRA (Sep. 23 to Oct. 22)
32733 Your desire for justice and truth will be overshadowed by your
32734 desire for filthy lucre and a decent meal. Be gracious and
32735 polite. Someone is watching you, so stop staring like that.
32737 LIBRA (Sept 23 - Oct 22)
32738 You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with
32739 reality. If you are a man, you are more than likely gay.
32740 Chances for employment and monetary gains are excellent. Most
32741 Libra women are prostitutes. All Libra people die of venereal
32744 LIBRA (Sept 23 - Oct 23)
32745 Major achievements, new friends, and a previously unexplored way
32746 to make a lot of money will come to a lot of people today, but
32747 unfortunately you won't be one of them. Consider not getting out
32751 A very poor substitute for the truth, but the only one
32752 discovered to date.
32755 Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
32757 Lies! All lies! You're all lying against my boys!
32761 A whim of several billion cells to be you for a while.
32764 Learning about people the hard way -- by being one.
32767 That brief interlude between nothingness and eternity.
32769 Life -- Love It or Leave It.
32771 Life begins at the centerfold and expands outward.
32772 -- Miss November, 1966
32774 Life being what it is, one dreams of revenge.
32777 Life can be so tragic -- you're here today and here tomorrow.
32779 Life does not begin at the moment of conception or the moment of birth.
32780 It begins when the kids leave home and the dog dies.
32782 Life exists for no known purpose.
32784 Life in this society being, at best, an utter bore and no aspect of society
32785 being at all relevant to women, there remains to civic-minded responsible
32786 thrill-seeking females only to overthrow the government, eliminate the money
32787 system, institute complete automation and destroy the male sex.
32790 Life is a biochemical reaction to the stimulus of the surrounding
32791 environment in a stable ecosphere, while a bowl of cherries is a
32792 round container filled with little red fruits on sticks.
32794 Life is a concentration camp. You're stuck here and there's no way
32795 out and you can only rage impotently against your persecutors.
32798 Life is a gamble at terrible odds, if it was a bet you wouldn't take it.
32799 -- Tom Stoppard, "Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead"
32801 Life is a game. In order to have a game, something has to be more
32802 important than something else. If what already is, is more important
32803 than what isn't, the game is over. So, life is a game in which what
32804 isn't, is more important than what is. Let the good times roll.
32807 Life is a game of bridge -- and you've just been finessed.
32809 Life is a glorious cycle of song,
32810 A medley of extemporania;
32811 And love is thing that can never go wrong;
32812 And I am Marie of Roumania.
32813 -- Dorothy Parker, "Comment"
32815 Life is a grand adventure -- or it is nothing.
32818 Life is a healthy respect for mother nature laced with greed.
32820 Life is a hospital in which every patient is possessed by the desire to
32822 -- Charles Baudelaire
32824 Life is a series of rude awakenings.
32827 Life is a serious burden, which no thinking,
32828 humane person would wantonly inflict on someone else.
32831 Life is a sexually transferred disease with 100% mortality.
32833 Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while.
32835 Life is a yo-yo, and mankind ties knots in the string.
32837 Life is an exciting business, and most
32838 exciting when it is lived for others.
32840 Life is both difficult and time consuming.
32842 Life is cheap, but the accessories can kill you.
32844 Life is difficult because it is non-linear.
32846 Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.
32847 -- Woody Allen, "Annie Hall"
32849 Life is fraught with opportunities to keep your mouth shut.
32851 Life is just a bowl of cherries, but why do I always get the pits?
32853 Life is knowing how far to go without crossing the line.
32855 Life is like a 10 speed bicycle. Most of us have gears we never use.
32858 "Life is like a bowl of soup with hairs floating on it. You have to
32859 eat it nevertheless."
32862 "Life is like a buffet; it's not good but there's plenty of it."
32864 Life is like a diaper - short and loaded.
32866 Life is like a sewer.
32867 What you get out of it depends on what you put into it.
32870 Life is like a simile.
32872 Life is like a tin of sardines.
32873 We're, all of us, looking for the key.
32874 -- Beyond the Fringe
32876 Life is like an analogy.
32878 Life is like an egg stain on your chin --
32879 you can lick it, but it still won't go away.
32881 Life is like an onion: you peel it off
32882 one layer at a time, and sometimes you weep.
32885 Life is like an onion: you peel off layer after
32886 layer and then you find there is nothing in it.
32889 Life is like arriving late for a movie, having to figure out what was
32890 going on without bothering everybody with a lot of questions, and then
32891 being unexpectedly called away before you find out how it ends.
32893 Life is like bein' on a mule team. Unless you're
32894 the lead mule, all the scenery looks about the same.
32896 Life is not for everyone.
32898 Life is one long struggle in the dark.
32899 -- Titus Lucretius Carus
32901 Life is the childhood of our immortality.
32902 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
32904 Life is the living you do,
32905 Death is the living you don't do.
32908 Life is the urge to ecstasy.
32910 Life is to you a dashing and bold adventure.
32912 "Life is too important to take seriously."
32915 Life is too short to be taken seriously.
32918 Life is too short to stuff a mushroom.
32921 Life is wasted on the living.
32922 -- Douglas Adams, "The Restaurant at the Edge of the Universe"
32924 Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans.
32925 -- John Lennon, "Beautiful Boy"
32927 Life, like beer, is merely borrowed.
32930 "Life, loathe it or ignore it, you can't like it."
32931 -- Marvin, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
32933 "Life may have no meaning -- or even worse, it may have a meaning of
32934 which I disapprove."
32936 Life may have no meaning, or, even worse,
32937 it may have a meaning of which you disapprove.
32939 Life only demands from you the strength you possess.
32940 Only one feat is possible -- not to have run away.
32941 -- Dag Hammarskjold
32943 Life Sucks. Cynical, misanthropic male, 34, looking for soul mate but
32944 certain not to find her. Drop me a note. I'll call you, we'll talk and
32945 I'll ask you out to dinner where I'll probably spend more than I can
32946 afford in a feeble attempt to impress you. Then we'll realize we have
32947 absolutely nothing in common and we'll go our separate ways, more
32948 embittered and depressed than before (if such a thing is possible).
32950 Life sucks, but death doesn't put out at all.
32953 "Life to you is a bold and dashing responsibility"
32954 -- a Mary Chung's fortune cookie
32956 Life without caffeine is stimulating enough.
32959 Life would be much simpler and things would get done much faster if it
32960 weren't for other people.
32963 Life would be so much easier if we could just look at the source code.
32966 Life would be tolerable but for its amusements.
32967 -- George Bernard Shaw
32969 Life's too short to dance with ugly women.
32971 Lift every voice and sing
32972 Till earth and heaven ring,
32973 Ring with the harmonies of Liberty;
32974 Let our rejoicing rise
32975 High as the listening skies,
32976 Let it resound loud as the rolling sea.
32978 Sing a song full of the faith that the dark past has taught us.
32979 Sing a song full of the hope that the present has bought us.
32980 Facing the rising sun of our new day begun,
32981 Let us march on till victory is won.
32982 -- James Weldon Johnson
32984 Lighten up, while you still can,
32985 Don't even try to understand,
32986 Just find a place to make your stand,
32988 -- The Eagles, "Take It Easy"
32991 A tall building on the seashore in which the government
32992 maintains a lamp and the friend of a politician.
32995 When being alive at the same time is a wonderful coincidence.
32997 Like all young men, you greatly exaggerate
32998 the difference between one young woman and another.
32999 -- George Bernard Shaw, "Major Barbara"
33001 Like an expensive sports car, fine-tuned and well-built, Portia was sleek,
33002 shapely, and gorgeous, her red jumpsuit moulding her body, which was as warm
33003 as seatcovers in July, her hair as dark as new tires, her eyes flashing like
33004 bright hubcaps, and her lips as dewy as the beads of fresh rain on the hood;
33005 she was a woman driven -- fueled by a single accelerant -- and she needed a
33006 man, a man who wouldn't shift from his views, a man to steer her along the
33007 right road: a man like Alf Romeo.
33008 -- Rachel Sheeley, winner
33010 The hair ball blocking the drain of the shower reminded Laura she would never
33011 see her little dog Pritzi again.
33012 -- Claudia Fields, runner-up
33014 It could have been an organically based disturbance of the brain -- perhaps a
33015 tumor or a metabolic deficiency -- but after a thorough neurological exam it
33016 was determined that Byron was simply a jerk.
33017 -- Jeff Jahnke, runner-up
33019 Winners in the 7th Annual Bulwer-Lytton Bad Writing Contest. The contest is
33020 named after the author of the immortal lines: "It was a dark and stormy
33021 night." The object of the contest is to write the opening sentence of the
33022 worst possible novel.
33024 Like corn in a field I cut you down,
33025 I threw the last punch way too hard,
33026 After years of going steady, well, I thought it was time,
33027 To throw in my hand for a new set of cards.
33028 And I can't take you dancing out on the weekend,
33029 I figured we'd painted too much of this town,
33030 And I tried not to look as I walked to my wagon,
33031 And I knew then I had lost what should have been found,
33032 I knew then I had lost what should have been found.
33033 And I feel like a bullet in the gun of Robert Ford
33034 I'm as low as a paid assassin is
33035 You know I'm cold as a hired sword.
33036 I'm so ashamed we can't patch it up,
33037 You know I can't think straight no more
33038 You make me feel like a bullet, honey,
33039 a bullet in the gun of Robert Ford.
33040 -- Elton John "I Feel Like a Bullet"
33042 Like I said, love wouldn't be so blind if the braille
33043 weren't so damned great!
33044 -- Armistead Maupin
33046 Like, if I'm not for me, then fer shure, like who will be? And if, y'know,
33047 if I'm not like fer anyone else, then hey, I mean, what am I? And if not
33048 now, like I dunno, maybe like when? And if not Who, then I dunno, maybe
33049 like the Rolling Stones?
33050 -- Rich Rosen (Rabbi Valiel's paraphrase of famous quote
33051 attributed to Rabbi Hillel.)
33053 Like my parents, I have never been a regular church member or churchgoer.
33054 It doesn't seem plausible to me that there is the kind of God who watches
33055 over human affairs, listens to prayers, and tries to guide people to follow
33056 His precepts -- there is just too much misery and cruelty for that. On the
33057 other hand, I respect and envy the people who get inspiration from their
33061 Like punning, programming is a play on words.
33063 Like so many Americans, she was trying to construct a life that made
33064 sense from things she found in gift shops.
33065 -- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.
33067 Like the ski resort of girls looking for husbands and husbands looking
33068 for girls, the situation is not as symmetrical as it might seem.
33071 Like the time I ran away...
33072 And turned around and you were standing close to me.
33073 -- YES, "Going For The One/Awaken"
33075 Like winter snow on summer lawn, time past is time gone.
33077 Like ya know? Rock 'N Roll is an esoteric language that unlocks the
33078 creativity chambers in people's brains, and like totally activates their
33079 essential hipness, which of course is like totally necessary for saving
33080 the earth, like because the first thing in saving this world, is getting
33081 rid of stupid and square attitudes and having fun.
33082 -- Senior Year Quote
33084 Like you, I am frequently haunted by profound questions related to man's
33085 place in the Scheme of Things. Here are just a few:
33087 Q -- Is there life after death?
33088 A -- Definitely. I speak from personal experience here. On New
33089 Year's Eve, 1970, I drank a full pitcher of a drink called "Black Russian",
33090 then crawled out on the lawn and died within a matter of minutes, which was
33091 fine with me because I had come to realize that if I had lived I would have
33092 spent the rest of my life in the grip of the most excruciatingly painful
33093 headache. Thanks to the miracle of modern orange juice, I was brought back
33094 to life several days later, but in the interim I was definitely dead. I
33095 guess my main impression of the afterlife is that it isn't so bad as long
33096 as you keep the television turned down and don't try to eat any solid foods.
33099 Likewise, the national appetizer, brine-cured herring with raw onions,
33100 wins few friends, Germans excepted.
33101 -- Darwin Porter, "Scandinavia On $50 A Day"
33103 Limericks are art forms complex,
33104 Their topics run chiefly to sex.
33105 They usually have virgins,
33106 And masculine urgin's,
33107 And other erotic effects.
33109 Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
33110 Kennedy exactly one hundred years later in 1946.
33112 Lincoln was elected president in November 1860.
33113 Kennedy in November 1960.
33115 Lincoln had a secretary named Kennedy who urged him not to go to
33117 Kennedy had a secretary named Lincoln who advised against his going
33120 Booth shot Lincoln in a theatre and ran off into a warehouse.
33121 Oswald shot Kennedy from a warehouse and ran off into a theatre.
33123 Lincoln was succeeded by a Southerner named Johnson.
33124 Kennedy was succeeded by a Southerner named Johnson.
33126 The first Johnson was born in 1808.
33127 The second Johnson was born in 1908.
33129 -- Alistair Cooke, "Letter From America", 26nov2001
33131 Line Printer paper is strongest at the perforations.
33133 "Lines that are parallel meet at Infinity!"
33134 Euclid repeatedly, heatedly, urged.
33136 Until he died, and so reached that vicinity:
33137 in it he found that the damned things diverged.
33140 Linus: Hi! I thought it was you.
33141 I've been watching you from way off... You're looking great!
33142 Snoopy: That's nice to know.
33143 The secret of life is to look good at a distance.
33145 Linus: I guess it's wrong always to be worrying about tomorrow. Maybe
33146 we should think only about today.
33148 No, that's giving up. I'm still hoping that yesterday will get
33152 There is no heavier burden than a great potential.
33154 Lions in the street and roaming,
33155 Dogs in heat, rabid, foaming,
33156 A beast caged in the heart of the city.
33157 The body of his mother lying in the summer ground,
33159 Went down south across the border,
33160 Left the chaos and disorder
33161 Back there, over his shoulder.
33162 One morning he awoke in a green hotel,
33163 A strange creature groaning beside him.
33164 Sweat oozed from its shiny skin.
33165 Is everybody in? The ceremony is about to begin.
33166 -- Jim Morrison, "Celebration of the Lizard"
33169 To call a spade a thpade.
33171 Lisp, Lisp, Lisp Machine,
33172 Lisp Machine is Fun.
33173 Lisp, Lisp, Lisp Machine,
33177 Due to the holiday next Monday, there will be no garbage collection.
33179 Listen, there is no courage or any extra courage that I know of to find out
33180 the right thing to do. Now, it is not only necessary to do the right thing,
33181 but to do it in the right way and the only problem you have is what is the
33182 right thing to do and what is the right way to do it. That is the problem.
33183 But this economy of ours is not so simple that it obeys to the opinion of
33184 bias or the pronouncements of any particular individual, even to the President.
33185 This is an economy that is made up of 173 million people, and it reflects
33186 their desires, they're ready to buy, they're ready to spend, it is a thing
33187 that is too complex and too big to be affected adversely or advantageously
33188 just by a few words or any particular -- say, a little this and that, or even
33189 a panacea so alleged.
33190 -- Dwight D. Eisenhower, in response to: "Has the government
33191 been lacking in courage and boldness in facing up to
33194 Literature is mostly about having sex and not much about having children.
33195 Life is the other way around.
33198 Literature is mostly about sex and not much about having children and life
33199 is the other way round.
33200 -- David Lodge, "The British Museum is Falling Down"
33203 -- Ronald Macdonald
33206 Thy summer's play If thought is life
33207 My thoughtless hand And strength & breath,
33208 Has brush'd away. And the want
33209 Of thought is death,
33211 A fly like thee? Then am I
33212 Or art not thou A happy fly
33213 A man like me? If I live
33218 Till some blind hand
33219 Shall brush my wing.
33220 -- William Blake, "The Fly"
33222 Little girls, like butterflies, need no excuse.
33225 Little known fact about Middle Earth: The Hobbits had a very
33226 sophisticated computer network! It was a Tolkien Ring...
33228 Little Known Facts, #23:
33229 Did you know... that if you dial 911 in Los Angeles you get
33230 the BMW repair garage?
33232 Little Mary on the ice,
33233 Went out to have a frisk,
33234 Now wasn't little Mary nice,
33237 Live fast, die young, and leave a flat patch of fur on the highway!
33238 -- The Squirrels' Motto (The "Hell's Angels of Nature")
33240 Live fast, die young, and leave a good looking corpse.
33243 Live from New York ... It's Saturday Night!
33245 Live in a world of your own, but always welcome visitors.
33247 Live never to be ashamed if anything you do or say is
33248 published around the world -- even if what is published is not true.
33249 -- Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul
33251 Live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so.
33254 Living here in Rio, I have lots of coffees to choose from. And when
33255 you're on the lam like me, you appreciate a good cup of coffee.
33256 -- "Great Train Robber" Ronald Biggs' coffee commercial
33258 Living in California is like living in a bowl of granola.
33259 What ain't flakes and nuts is fruits.
33261 Living in LA is like not having a date on Saturday night.
33264 Living in New York City gives people real incentives
33265 to want things that nobody else wants.
33268 Living in the complex world of the future is somewhat
33269 like having bees live in your head. But, there they are.
33271 Living on Earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free trip
33275 A task so difficult, it has never been attempted before.
33277 Living your life is a task so difficult, it has never been attempted
33280 Lizzie Borden took an axe,
33281 And plunged it deep into the VAX;
33282 Don't you envy people who
33283 Do all the things ___
\b\b\bYOU want to do?
33285 Lo! Men have become the tool of their tools.
33286 -- Henry David Thoreau
33288 Loan-department manager: "There isn't any fine print. At these
33289 interest rates, we don't need it."
33292 Everyone loves these delectable crustaceans, but many cooks are
33293 squeamish about placing them into boiling water alive, which is the
33294 only proper method of preparing them. Frankly, the easiest way to
33295 eliminate your guilt is to establish theirs by putting them on trial
33296 before they're cooked. The fact is, lobsters are among the most
33297 ferocious predators on the sea floor, and you're helping reduce crime
33298 in the reefs. Grasp the lobster behind the head, look it right in its
33299 unmistakably guilty eyestalks and say, "Where were you on the night of
33300 the 21st?", then flourish a picture of a scallop or a sole and shout,
33301 "Perhaps this will refresh that crude neural apparatus you call a
33302 memory!" The lobster will squirm noticeably. It may even take a swipe
33303 at you with one of its claws. Incorrigible. Pop it into the pot.
33304 Justice has been served, and shortly you and your friends will be,
33306 -- Dave Barry, "Cooking: The Art of Using Appliances and
33307 Utensils into Excuses and Apologies"
33309 Lockwood's Long Shot:
33310 The chances of getting eaten up by a lion on Main Street aren't
33311 one in a million, but once would be enough.
33313 Logic doesn't apply to the real world.
33316 Logic is a little bird, sitting in a tree; that smells *_____
\b\b\b\b\bawful*.
33318 Logic is a pretty flower that smells bad.
33320 Logic is a systematic method of coming
33321 to the wrong conclusion with confidence.
33323 Logic is the chastity belt of the mind!
33325 Logicians have but ill defined
33326 As rational the human kind.
33327 Logic, they say, belongs to man,
33328 But let them prove it if they can.
33329 -- Oliver Goldsmith
33333 LOGO for the Dead lets you continue your computing activities from
33336 The package includes a unique telecommunications feature which lets you
33337 turn your TRS-80 into an electronic Ouija board. Then, using Logo's
33338 graphics capabilities, you can work with a friend or relative on this
33339 side of the Great Beyond to write programs. The software requires that
33340 your body be hardwired to an analog-to-digital converter, which is then
33341 interfaced to your computer. A special terminal (very terminal) program
33342 lets you talk with the users through Deadnet, an EBBS (Ectoplasmic
33343 Bulletin Board System).
33345 LOGO for the Dead is available for 10 percent of your estate
33346 from NecroSoft inc., 6502 Charnelhouse Blvd., Cleveland, OH 44101.
33347 -- '80 Microcomputing
33349 Loneliness is a terrible price to pay for independence.
33351 Lonely is a man without love.
33352 -- Engelbert Humperdinck
33354 Lonely men seek companionship.
33355 Lonely women sit at home and wait. They never meet.
33362 Like to meet new and interesting people?
33364 JUST SCREW-UP ONE MORE TIME!!!!!!!
33366 Long ago I proposed that unsuccessful candidates for the Presidency
33367 be quietly hanged, as a matter of public sanitation and decorum.
33368 The sight of their grief must have a very evil effect upon the young.
33369 -- H. L. Mencken, "A Carnival of Buncombe"
33371 Long computations which yield zero are probably all for naught.
33373 Long life is in store for you.
33375 Long were the days of pain I have spent within its walls, and
33376 long were the nights of aloneness; and who can depart from his
33377 pain and his aloneness without regret?
33378 -- Kahlil Gibran, "The Prophet"
33380 Look! Before our very eyes, the future is becoming the past.
33382 Look afar and see the end from the beginning.
33384 Look at it this way:
33385 Your daughter just named the fresh turkey you brought
33386 home "Cuddles", so you're going out to buy a canned ham.
33387 And you're still drinking ordinary scotch?
33389 Look at it this way:
33390 Your wife's spending $280 a month on meditation lessons to
33391 forget $26,000 of college education.
33392 And you're still drinking ordinary scotch?
33394 Look before you leap.
33400 Look out! Behind you!
\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a
33402 Look, we play the Star Spangled Banner before every game. You want us
33403 to pay income taxes, too?
33404 -- Bill Veeck, Chicago White Sox
33406 Look, we trade every day out there with hustlers, deal-makers, shysters,
33407 con-men. That's the way businesses get started. That's the way this
33411 Lookie, lookie, here comes cookie...
33412 -- Stephen Sondheim
33414 Loose bits sink chips.
33416 Lord, defend me from my friends; I can account for my enemies.
33417 -- Charles D'Hericault
33419 Lord, what fools these mortals be!
33420 -- William Shakespeare, "A Midsummer-Night's Dream"
33422 Losing your drivers' license is just God's way of saying
33425 Lost: gray and white female cat.
33426 Answers to electric can opener.
33428 Lost interest? It's so bad I've lost apathy.
33430 Lots of folks are forced to skimp to support a government that won't.
33432 Lots of folks confuse bad management with destiny.
33435 Lots of girls can be had for a song.
33436 Unfortunately, it often turns out to be the wedding march.
33438 Loud burping while walking around the airport is prohibited in
33441 Louie Louie, me gotta go
33442 Louie Louie, me gotta go
33444 Fine little girl she waits for me
33445 Me catch the ship for cross the sea
33446 Me sail the ship all alone Three nights and days me sail the sea
33447 Me never thinks me make it home Me think of girl constantly
33448 (chorus) On the ship I dream she there
33449 I smell the rose in her hair
33450 Me see Jamaica moon above (chorus, guitar solo)
33451 It won't be long, me see my love
33452 I take her in my arms and then
33453 Me tell her I never leave again
33454 -- The real words to The Kingsmen's classic "Louie Louie"
33457 I'll let you play with my life if you'll let me play with yours.
33460 Love ties in a knot in the end of the rope.
33463 When, if asked to choose between your lover
33464 and happiness, you'd skip happiness in a heartbeat.
33467 When it's growing, you don't mind watering it with a few tears.
33470 When you don't want someone too close--
33471 because you're very sensitive to pleasure.
33474 When you like to think of someone on days that begin with a morning.
33476 Love -- the last of the serious diseases of childhood.
33478 Love ain't nothin' but sex misspelled.
33480 Love America - or give it back.
33482 Love and scandal are the best sweeteners of tea.
33484 Love at first sight is one of the greatest labor-saving devices the
33485 world has ever seen.
33487 Love cannot be much younger than the lust for murder.
33490 Love conquers all things; let us too surrender to love.
33491 -- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil)
33493 Love in your heart wasn't put there to stay.
33494 Love isn't love 'til you give it away.
33495 -- Oscar Hammerstein II
33497 Love is a grave mental disease.
33500 Love is a slippery eel that bites like hell.
33503 "Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it
33504 flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come."
33505 -- Matt Groening, "Love is Hell"
33507 Love is a word that is constantly heard,
33508 Hate is a word that is not.
33509 Love, I am told, is more precious than gold.
33510 Love, I have read, is hot.
33511 But hate is the verb that to me is superb,
33512 And Love but a drug on the mart.
33513 Any kiddie in school can love like a fool,
33514 But Hating, my boy, is an Art.
33517 Love is always open arms. With arms open you allow love to come and
33518 go as it wills, freely, for it will do so anyway. If you close your
33519 arms about love you'll find you are left only holding yourself.
33521 "Love is an ideal thing, marriage a real thing; a confusion of the real
33522 with the ideal never goes unpunished."
33523 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
33525 Love is an obsessive delusion that is cured by marriage.
33528 Love is being stupid together.
33531 Love is dope, not chicken soup. I mean, love is something to be passed
33532 around freely, not spooned down someone's throat for their own good by a
33533 Jewish mother who cooked it all by herself.
33535 Love is in the offing.
33536 -- The Homicidal Maniac
33538 Love is in the offing. Be affectionate to one who adores you.
33540 Love is like a friendship caught on fire. In the beginning a flame, very
33541 pretty, often hot and fierce, but still only light and flickering. As love
33542 grows older, our hearts mature and our love becomes as coals, deep-burning
33546 Love is like the measles; we all have to go through it.
33547 -- Jerome K. Jerome
33549 Love is never asking why?
33551 Love is not enough, but it sure helps.
33553 Love is sentimental measles.
33555 Love is staying up all night with a sick child, or a healthy adult.
33557 Love is the answer; but while you are waiting for the answer, sex
33558 raises some pretty good questions.
33561 Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.
33564 Love is the desire to prostitute oneself. There is, indeed, no exalted
33565 pleasure that cannot be related to prostitution.
33566 -- Charles Baudelaire
33568 Love is the only game that is not called on account of darkness.
33571 Love is the process of my leading you gently back to yourself.
33572 -- Antoine de Saint-Exupery
33574 Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
33577 Love IS what it's cracked up to be.
33579 Love is what you've been through with somebody.
33582 Love isn't only blind, it's also deaf, dumb, and stupid.
33584 Love makes fools, marriage cuckolds, and patriotism malevolent imbeciles.
33585 -- Paul Leautaud, "Passe-temps"
33587 Love makes the world go 'round, with a little help from intrinsic angular
33590 Love may laugh at locksmiths, but he has a profound respect for money bags.
33591 -- Sidney Paternoster, "The Folly of the Wise"
33593 Love means having to say you're sorry every five minutes.
33595 Love means never having to say you're sorry.
33596 -- Eric Segal, "Love Story"
33598 That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard.
33599 -- Ryan O'Neill, "What's Up Doc?"
33601 Love means nothing to a tennis player.
33603 Love tells us many things that are not so.
33604 -- Krainian proverb
33606 Love the sea? I dote upon it -- from the beach.
33608 Love thy neighbor as thyself, but choose your neighborhood.
33611 Love thy neighbor, tune thy piano.
33613 Love to eat them mousies,
33614 Mousies I love to eat.
33615 Bite they little heads off,
33616 Nibble at they tiny feet.
33619 Love, which is quickly kindled in a gentle heart,
33620 seized this one for the fair form
33621 that was taken from me-and the way of it afflicts me still.
33622 Love, which absolves no loved one from loving,
33623 seized me so strongly with delight in him,
33624 that, as you see, it does not leave me even now.
33625 Love brought us to one death.
33626 -- La Divina Commedia: Inferno V, vv. 100-06
33628 Love your enemies: they'll go crazy trying to figure out what you're up
33631 Love your neighbour, yet don't pull down your hedge.
33632 -- Benjamin Franklin
33635 If it jams -- force it.
33636 If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.
33638 LSD melts in your mind, not in your hand.
33640 Lubarsky's Law of Cybernetic Entomology:
33641 There's always one more bug.
33643 Lucas is the source of many of the components of the legendarily reliable
33644 British automotive electrical systems. Professionals call the company "The
33645 Prince of Darkness". Of course, if Lucas were to design and manufacture
33646 nuclear weapons, World War III would never get off the ground. The British
33647 don't like warm beer any more than the Americans do. The British drink warm
33648 beer because they have Lucas refrigerators.
33650 Luck can't last a lifetime, unless you die young.
33653 Luck, that's when preparation and opportunity meet.
33657 When you have a wife and a cigarette
33658 lighter -- both of which work.
33660 Lucky is he for whom the belle toils.
33662 Lucy: Dance, dance, dance. That is all you ever do.
33663 Can't you be serious for once?
33664 Snoopy: She is right! I think I had better think
33665 of the more important things in life!
33669 Luke, I'm yer father, eh. Come over to the dark side, you hoser.
33670 -- Dave Thomas, "Strange Brew"
33672 Lunatic Asylum, n.:
33673 The place where optimism most flourishes.
33675 Lying is an indispensable part of making life tolerable.
33678 Lysistrata had a good idea.
33680 Ma Bell is a mean mother!
33682 MAC user's dynamic debugging list evaluator? Never heard of that.
33684 "MacDonald has the gift on compressing the largest amount of words into
33685 the smallest amount of thoughts."
33686 -- Winston Churchill
33688 "Mach was the greatest intellectual fraud in the last ten years."
33690 "I said `intellectual'."
33693 Machine-Independent, adj.:
33694 Does not run on any existing machine.
33696 Machine-independent program:
33697 A program that will not run on any machine.
33699 Machines certainly can solve problems, store information, correlate,
33700 and play games -- but not with pleasure.
33703 Machines have less problems. I'd like to be a machine.
33706 Machines that have broken down will work perfectly when the
33710 Jogging home from your vasectomy.
33712 Macho does not prove mucho.
33716 Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence.
33717 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
33719 Madam, there's no such thing as a tough child -- if you parboil them
33720 first for seven hours, they always come out tender.
33724 If you have to travel on the Titanic, why not go first class?
33726 Madness takes its toll.
33729 [Acronym for Mechanized Applications in Forced Insurance
33730 Accounting.] An extensive network with many on-line and offshore
33731 subsystems running under OS, DOS, and IOS. MAFIA documentation is
33732 rather scanty, and the MAFIA sales office exhibits that testy
33733 reluctance to bona fide inquiries which is the hallmark of so many DP
33734 operations. From the little that has seeped out, it would appear that
33735 MAFIA operates under a non-standard protocol, OMERTA, a tight-lipped
33736 variant of SNA, in which extended handshakes also perform complex
33737 security functions. The known timesharing aspects of MAFIA point to a
33738 more than usually autocratic operating system. Screen prompts carry an
33739 imperative, nonrefusable weighting (most menus offer simple YES/YES
33740 options, defaulting to YES) that precludes indifference or delay.
33741 Uniquely, all editing under MAFIA is performed centrally, using a
33742 powerful rubout feature capable of erasing files, filors, filees, and
33743 entire nodal aggravations.
33744 -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
33746 Magary's Principle:
33747 When there is a public outcry to cut deadwood and fat from any
33748 government bureaucracy, it is the deadwood and the fat that do
33749 the cutting, and the public's services are cut.
33751 Magic is always the best solution -- especially reliable magic.
33753 Magnet, n.: Something acted upon by magnetism
33755 Magnetism, n.: Something acting upon a magnet.
33757 The two definitions immediately foregoing are condensed from the works
33758 of one thousand eminent scientists, who have illuminated the subject
33759 with a great white light, to the inexpressible advancement of human
33761 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
33764 Any automobile that, when left unattended, attracts shopping
33766 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
33769 A bird whose thievish disposition suggested
33770 to someone that it might be taught to talk.
33771 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
33774 A girl who never had the sense to say "uncle."
33777 A young person of the unfair sex addicted to clewless conduct and
33778 views that madden to crime. The genus has a wide geographical
33779 distribution, being found wherever sought and deplored wherever found.
33780 The maiden is not altogether unpleasing to the eye, nor (without her
33781 piano and her views) insupportable to the ear, though in respect to
33782 comeliness distinctly inferior to the rainbow, and, with regard to
33783 the part of her that is audible, beaten out of the field by the
33784 canary -- which, also, is more portable.
33787 A member of the unconsidered, or negligible sex. The male of the
33788 human race is commonly known to the female as Mere Man. The genus
33789 has two varieties: good providers and bad providers.
33790 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
33793 If the facts do not conform to the theory, they must be disposed
33795 -- N. R. Maier, "American Psychologist", March 1960
33798 (1) The bigger the theory, the better.
33799 (2) The experiment may be considered a success if no more than
33800 50% of the observed measurements must be discarded to
33801 obtain a correspondence with the theory.
33804 For every action there is an equal and opposite government
33807 Maintainer's Motto:
33808 If we can't fix it, it ain't broke.
33810 Maj. Bloodnok: Seagoon, you're a coward!
33811 Seagoon: Only in the holiday season.
33812 Maj. Bloodnok: Ah, another Noel Coward!
33815 Sixty men can do sixty times as much work as one man.
33817 A man can dig a posthole in sixty seconds.
33819 Sixty men can dig a posthole in one second.
33821 Secondary Conclusion:
33822 Do you realize how many holes there would be if people
33823 would just take the time to take the dirt out of them?
33825 Major Premise: Sixty men can do a piece of work sixty times as quickly
33828 Minor Premise: One man can dig a posthole in sixty seconds.
33830 Conclusion: Sixty men can dig a posthole in one second.
33831 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
33833 Majorities, of course, start with minorities.
33837 That quality that distinguishes a crime from a law.
33839 Make a wish, it might come true.
33841 Make headway at work. Continue to let things deteriorate at home.
33843 Make it myself? But I'm a physical organic chemist!
33845 Make it right before you make it faster.
33847 Make no little plans; they have no magic to stir men's blood.
33848 -- Daniel Hudson Burnham
33850 Make sure your code does nothing gracefully.
33852 Make war not sex. (It's safer.)
33854 Making files is easy under the UNIX operating system. Therefore, users
33855 tend to create numerous files using large amounts of file space. It
33856 has been said that the only standard thing about all UNIX systems is
33857 the message-of-the-day telling users to clean up their files.
33858 -- System V.2 administrator's guide
33861 Any simple idea will be worded in the most complicated way.
33864 The reason surgeons wear masks.
33867 An animal so lost in rapturous contemplation of what he thinks he
33868 is as to overlook what he indubitably ought to be. His chief
33869 occupation is extermination of other animals and his own species,
33870 which, however, multiplies with such insistent rapidity as to infest
33871 the whole habitable earth and Canada.
33874 Man 1: Ask me. "What is the most important thing about telling a good
33877 Man 2: OK, what is the most impo --
33879 Man 1: ______
\b\b\b\b\b\bTIMING!
33881 Man and wife make one fool.
33883 Man belongs wherever he wants to go.
33884 -- Wernher von Braun
33886 Man has always assumed that he is more intelligent than dolphins because
33887 he has achieved so much -- the wheel, New York, wars and so on -- while
33888 all the dolphins had ever done was muck about in the water having a good
33889 time. But, conversely, the dolphins had always believed that they were
33890 far more intelligent than man -- for precisely the same reasons.
33891 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
33893 Man has made his bedlam; let him lie in it.
33896 Man has never reconciled himself to the ten commandments.
33898 "Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain."
33901 Man is a military animal,
33902 Glories in gunpowder, and loves parade.
33905 Man is a rational animal who always loses his temper when he is called
33906 upon to act in accordance with the dictates of reason.
33909 Man is an animal that makes bargains: no other animal does this--
33910 no dog exchanges bones with another.
33913 Man is by nature a political animal.
33916 Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft ... and the
33917 only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.
33918 -- Wernher von Braun
33920 Man is the measure of all things.
33923 Man is the only animal that blushes -- or needs to.
33926 Man is the only animal that can remain on friendly terms with the
33927 victims he intends to eat until he eats them.
33928 -- Samuel Butler (1835-1902)
33930 Man is the only animal that laughs and weeps;
33931 for he is the only animal that is struck with the
33932 difference between what things are and what they ought to be.
33935 Man must shape his tools lest they shape him.
33936 -- Arthur R. Miller
33939 An animal so lost in rapturous contemplation of what he thinks
33940 he is as to overlook what he indubitably ought to be. His chief
33941 occupation is extermination of other animals and his own species, which,
33942 however, multiplies with such insistent rapidity as to infest the whole
33943 habitable earth and Canada.
33944 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
33946 Man proposes, God disposes.
33949 Man usually avoids attributing cleverness to somebody else -- unless it
33953 Man who arrives at party two hours late
33954 will find he has been beaten to the punch.
33956 Man who falls in blast furnace is certain to feel overwrought.
33958 Man who falls in vat of molten optical glass makes spectacle of self.
33960 Man who sleep in beer keg wake up sticky.
33962 Man will never fly.
33963 Space travel is merely a dream.
33964 All aspirin is alike.
33966 Management: How many feet do mice have?
33967 Reply: Mice have four feet.
33969 R: Mice have five appendages, and four of them are feet.
33970 M: No discussion of fifth appendage!
33971 R: Mice have five appendages; four of them are feet; one is a tail.
33972 M: What? Feet with no legs?
33973 R: Mice have four legs, four feet, and one tail per unit-mouse.
33974 M: Confusing -- is that a total of 9 appendages?
33975 R: Mice have four leg-foot assemblies and one tail assembly per body.
33976 M: Does not fully discuss the issue!
33977 R: Each mouse comes equipped with four legs and a tail. Each leg
33978 is equipped with a foot at the end opposite the body; the tail
33979 is not equipped with a foot.
33980 M: Descriptive? Yes. Forceful NO!
33981 R: Allotment of appendages for mice will be: Four foot-leg assemblies,
33982 one tail. Deviation from this policy is not permitted as it would
33983 constitute misapportionment of scarce appendage assets.
33984 M: Too authoritarian; stifles creativity!
33985 R: Mice have four feet; each foot is attached to a small leg joined
33986 integrally with the overall mouse structural sub-system. Also
33987 attached to the mouse sub-system is a thin tail, non-functional and
33988 ornamental in nature.
33989 M: Too verbose/scientific. Answer the question!
33990 R: Mice have four feet.
33993 The art of getting other people to do all the work.
33996 A man known for giving great meeting.
33998 Mandrell: "You know what I think?"
33999 Doctor: "Ah, ah that's a catch question. With a brain your size you
34000 don't think, right?"
34004 A sexist, obsolete measure of macho effort, equal to 60 Kiplings.
34007 Easy glum, easy glow.
34009 Mankind is poised midway between the gods and the beasts.
34012 Mankind's yearning to engage in sports is older than recorded history,
34013 dating back to the time millions of years ago, when the first primitive
34014 man picked up a crude club and a round rock, tossed the rock into the
34015 air, and whomped the club into the sloping forehead of the first
34018 What inner force drove this first athlete? Your guess is as good as
34019 mine. Better, probably, because you haven't had four beers.
34020 -- Dave Barry, "Sports is a Drag"
34023 Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion
34026 Man's horizons are bounded by his vision.
34028 Man's reach must exceed his grasp, for why else the heavens?
34030 Man's unique agony as a species consists in his perpetual
34031 conflict between the desire to stand out and the need to blend in.
34032 -- Sydney J. Harris
34035 A unit of documentation. There are always three or more on a
34036 given item. One is on the shelf; someone has the others. The
34037 information you need is in the others.
34040 Many a bum show has been saved by the flag.
34043 Many a family tree needs trimming.
34045 Many a long dispute between divines may thus be abridged: It is so. It
34046 is not so. It is so. It is not so.
34047 -- Benjamin Franklin, "Poor Richard's Almanack"
34049 Many a man that can't direct you to a corner drugstore will
34050 get a respectful hearing when age has further impaired his mind.
34051 -- Finley Peter Dunne
34053 Many a town that didn't have enough work to support a single lawyer
34054 can easily support two or more.
34056 Many a writer seems to think he is never profound
34057 except when he can't understand his own meaning.
34058 -- George D. Prentice
34060 Many are called, few are chosen.
34061 Fewer still get to do the choosing.
34063 Many are called, few volunteer.
34065 Many are cold, but few are frozen.
34067 Many changes of mind and mood; do not hesitate too long.
34069 Many companies that have made themselves dependent on [the equipment of a
34070 certain major manufacturer] (and in doing so have sold their soul to the
34071 devil) will collapse under the sheer weight of the unmastered complexity of
34072 their data processing systems.
34073 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5
34075 Many enraged psychiatrists are inciting a weary butcher. The butcher is
34076 weary and tired because he has cut meat and steak and lamb for hours and
34077 weeks. He does not desire to chant about anything with raving psychiatrists,
34078 but he sings about his gingivectomist, he dreams about a single cosmologist,
34079 he thinks about his dog. The dog is named Herbert.
34080 -- Racter, "The Policeman's Beard is Half-Constructed"
34082 Many hands make light work.
34085 Many husbands go broke on the money their wives save on sales.
34087 Many mental processes admit of being roughly measured. For instance,
34088 the degree to which people are bored, by counting the number of their
34089 fidgets. I not infrequently tried this method at the meetings of the
34090 Royal Geographical Society, for even there dull memoirs are occasionally
34091 read. [...] The use of a watch attracts attention, so I reckon time
34092 by the number of my breathings, of which there are 15 in a minute. They
34093 are not counted mentally, but are punctuated by pressing with 15 fingers
34094 successively. The counting is reserved for the fidgets. These observations
34095 should be confined to persons of middle age. Children are rarely still,
34096 while elderly philosophers will sometimes remain rigid for minutes altogether.
34097 -- Francis Galton, 1909
34099 Many of the characters are fools and they are always playing
34100 tricks on me and treating me badly.
34101 -- Jorge Luis Borges, from "Writers on Writing" by Jon Winokur
34103 Many of the convicted thieves Parker has met began their
34104 life of crime after taking college Computer Science courses.
34105 -- Roger Rapoport, "Programs for Plunder", Omni, March 1981
34107 Many pages make a thick book.
34109 Many pages make a thick book, except for pocket Bibles which are on very
34112 Many people are desperately looking for some wise advice
34113 which will recommend that they do what they want to do.
34115 Many people are secretly interested in life.
34117 Many people are unenthusiastic about their work.
34119 Many people are unenthusiastic about your work.
34121 Many people feel that if you won't let
34122 them make you happy, they'll make you suffer.
34124 Many people feel that they deserve some kind of
34125 recognition for all the bad things they haven't done.
34127 Many people resent being treated like the person they really are.
34129 Many people would rather die than think; in fact, most do.
34130 -- Bertrand Russell
34132 Many people write memos to tell you they have nothing to say.
34134 Many receive advice, few profit by it.
34137 Many years ago in a period commonly known as Next Friday Afternoon,
34138 there lived a King who was very Gloomy on Tuesday mornings because he
34139 was so Sad thinking about how Unhappy he had been on Monday and how
34140 completely Mournful he would be on Wednesday ...
34143 Margaret, are you grieving
34144 Over Goldengrove unleaving?
34145 Leaves, like the things of man,
34146 You, with your fresh thoughts
34148 Ah! as the heart grows older
34149 It will come to such sights colder
34150 By and by, nor spare a sigh
34151 Though worlds of wanwood leafmeal lie
34152 And yet you will weep and know why.
34153 Now no matter, child, the name
34154 Sorrow's springs are the same:
34155 It is the blight man was born for,
34156 It is Margaret you mourn for.
34157 -- Gerard Manley Hopkins
34161 Orange blossom: Your purity equals your loveliness
34162 Orchid: Beauty, magnificence
34164 Peach blossom: I am your captive
34165 Petunia: Your presence soothes me
34167 Rose, any color: Love
34168 Rose, deep red: Bashful shame
34169 Rose, single, pink: Simplicity
34170 Rose, thornless, any: Early attachment
34171 Rose, white: I am worthy of you
34172 Rose, yellow: Decrease of love, rise of jealousy
34173 Rosebud, white: Girlhood, and a heart ignorant of love
34174 Rosemary: Remembrance
34175 Sunflower: Haughtiness
34176 Tulip, red: Declaration of love
34177 Tulip, yellow: Hopeless love
34178 Violet, blue: Faithfulness
34179 Violet, white: Modesty
34180 Zinnia: Thoughts of absent friends
34181 * An upside-down blossom reverses the meaning.
34183 Marijuana is nature's way of saying, "Hi!".
34185 Marijuana will be legal some day, because the many law students
34186 who now smoke pot will someday become congressmen and legalize
34187 it in order to protect themselves.
34190 Mark's Dental-Chair Discovery:
34191 Dentists are incapable of asking questions that require a
34192 simple yes or no answer.
34195 An old, established institution, entered into by two people deeply
34196 in love and desiring to make a commitment to each other expressing
34197 that love. In short, commitment to an institution.
34202 Marriage always demands the greatest understanding of the art of
34203 insincerity possible between two human beings.
34206 Marriage causes dating problems.
34208 Marriage, in life, is like a duel in the midst of a battle.
34211 Marriage is a ghastly public confession of a strictly private intention.
34213 Marriage is a great institution -- but I'm
34214 not ready for an institution yet.
34217 Marriage is a lot like the army, everyone complains, but you'd be
34218 surprised at the large number that re-enlist.
34221 Marriage is a romance in which the hero dies in the first chapter.
34223 Marriage is a three ring circus:
34224 engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
34227 Marriage is an institution in which two undertake
34228 to become one, and one undertakes to become nothing.
34230 Marriage is based on the theory that when a man discovers a brand of beer
34231 exactly to his taste he should at once throw up his job and go to work
34233 -- George Jean Nathan
34235 Marriage is learning about women the hard way.
34237 Marriage is like twirling a baton, turning handsprings, or eating with
34238 chopsticks. It looks easy until you try it.
34240 Marriage is low down, but you spend the rest of your life paying for it.
34243 Marriage is not merely sharing the fettuccine, but sharing the
34244 burden of finding the fettuccine restaurant in the first place.
34247 Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly.
34250 Marriage is the process of finding out what
34251 kind of man your wife would have preferred.
34253 Marriage is the waste-paper basket of the emotions.
34258 Marriages are made in heaven and consummated on earth.
34261 Marry in haste and everyone starts counting the months.
34263 MARTA SAYS THE INTERESTING thing about fly-fishing is that its two lives
34264 connected by a thin strand.
34266 Come on, Marta, grow up.
34267 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican", 1988.
34269 MARTA WAS WATCHING THE FOOTBALL GAME with me when she said, "You know most
34270 of these sports are based on the idea of one group protecting its
34271 territory from invasion by another group."
34273 "Yeah," I said, trying not to laugh. Girls are funny.
34274 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican", 1988.
34276 Martin was probably ripping them off. That's some family, isn't it?
34277 Incest, prostitution, fanaticism, software.
34278 -- Charles Willeford, "Miami Blues"
34280 'Martyrdom' is the only way a person can become famous without ability.
34281 -- George Bernard Shaw
34283 Marvelous! The super-user's going to boot me!
34284 What a finely tuned response to the situation!
34286 Marvin the Nature Lover spied a grasshopper hopping along in the grass,
34287 and in a mood for communing with nature, rare even among full-fledged
34288 Nature Lovers, he spoke to the grasshopper, saying: "Hello, friend
34289 grasshopper. Did you know they've named a drink after you?"
34290 "Really?" replied the grasshopper, obviously pleased. "They've
34291 named a drink Fred?"
34293 Marxist Law of Distribution of Wealth:
34294 Shortages will be divided equally among the peasants.
34296 Mary had a little lamb, its fleece was white as snow,
34297 And everywhere that Mary went, the lamb was sure to go.
34298 It followed her through rain or snow, lightning, sleet or hail.
34299 It fetched the evening paper, her slippers, and the mail.
34300 She never had a moments peace; the lamb was always on her heels,
34301 And on her feet its head would rest, while she ate her meals.
34302 It followed her to school one day, the devotion never ended.
34303 The lamb waltzed into her history class and Mary got suspended.
34304 The night she went to Senior Prom, she thought she had him beat,
34305 Until she heard a mournful "Baaa" coming from her car's seat.
34306 Oh, Mary had a little lamb, it surely didn't please her.
34307 So for dinner she had lambchops; the rest is in the freezer.
34311 You can always find what you're not looking for.
34313 Maryel brought her bat into Exit once and started whacking people on
34314 the dance floor. Now everyone's doing it. It's called grand slam
34316 -- Ransford, Chicago Reader 10/7/83
34319 If the only tool you have is a hammer,
34320 you treat everything like a nail.
34322 Mason's First Law of Synergism:
34323 The one day you'd sell your soul for something, souls are a glut.
34325 Massachusetts has the best politicians money can buy.
34327 Masturbation is the thinking man's television.
34328 -- Christopher Hampton
34330 Mate, this parrot wouldn't VOOM if you put four million volts through it!
34333 Mater artium necessitas.
34334 [Necessity is the mother of invention].
34336 Maternity pay? Now every Tom, Dick and Harry will get pregnant.
34339 MATH AND ALCOHOL DON'T MIX!
34340 Please, don't drink and derive.
34347 Math is like love -- a simple idea but it can get complicated.
34351 Some one who believes imaginary things appear right before your i's.
34353 Mathematicians are like Frenchmen: whatever you say to them they
34354 translate into their own language, and forthwith it is something
34355 entirely different.
34356 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
34358 Mathematicians often resort to something called Hilbert space, which is
34359 described as being n-dimensional. Like modern sex, any number can
34361 -- Dr. Thor Wald, in "Beep/The Quincunx of Time", by
34364 Mathematicians practice absolute freedom.
34367 Mathematics deals exclusively with the relations of concepts
34368 to each other without consideration of their relation to experience.
34371 Mathematics is the only science where one never knows what
34372 one is talking about nor whether what is said is true.
34375 Mathematics, rightly viewed, possesses not only truth but supreme beauty --
34376 a beauty cold and austere, like that of a sculpture, without appeal to any
34377 part of our weaker nature, without the gorgeous trapping of painting or music,
34378 yet sublimely pure, and capable of a stern perfection such as only the
34379 greatest art can show. The true spirit of delight, the exaltation, the sense
34380 of being more than man, which is the touchstone of the highest excellence, is
34381 to be found in mathematics as surely as in poetry.
34382 -- Bertrand Russell
34384 Matrimony is the root of all evil.
34386 "Matrimony isn't a word, it's a sentence."
34388 Matter cannot be created or destroyed, nor can it be returned without a
34391 [Maturity consists in the discovery that] there comes a critical moment
34392 where everything is reversed, after which the point becomes to understand
34393 more and more that there is something which cannot be understood.
34394 -- S. A. Kierkegaard
34396 Maturity is only a short break in adolescence.
34400 A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
34402 May a hundred thousand midgets invade your home singing cheezy lounge-lizard
34403 versions of songs from The Wizard of Oz.
34405 May a Misguided Platypus lay its Eggs in your Jockey Shorts.
34407 May all your PUSHes be POPped.
34409 May Euell Gibbons eat your only copy of the manual!
34411 May the bluebird of happiness twiddle your bits.
34413 May the Fleas of a Thousand Camels infest one of your Erogenous Zones.
34415 May the fleas of a thousand camels infest your armpits.
34417 May those that love us love us; and those that don't love us, may
34418 God turn their hearts; and if he doesn't turn their hearts, may
34419 he turn their ankles so we'll know them by their limping.
34421 May you die in bed at 95, shot by a jealous spouse.
34423 May you have many beautiful and obedient daughters.
34425 May you have many handsome and obedient sons.
34427 May you have warm words on a cold evening,
34428 a full moon on a dark night,
34429 and a smooth road all the way to your door.
34431 May you live in uninteresting times.
34434 May your camel be as swift as the wind.
34436 May your SO always know when you need a hug.
34438 May your Tongue stick to the Roof of your Mouth with the Force of a
34441 Maybe ain't ain't so correct, but I notice that
34442 lots of folks who ain't using ain't ain't eatin' well.
34445 Maybe Computer Science should be in the College of Theology.
34448 Maybe Jesus was right when he said that the meek shall inherit the
34449 earth -- but they inherit very small plots, about six feet by three.
34452 "Maybe we can get together and show off to each other sometimes."
34454 "Maybe we should think of this as one perfect week... where we found each
34455 other, and loved each other... and then let each other go before anyone
34456 had to seek professional help."
34458 Maybe you can't buy happiness, but these days you can certainly charge
34462 The quality of correlation is inversely proportional to the density
34463 of control. (The fewer the data points, the smoother the curves.)
34465 McDonald's -- Because you're worth it.
34467 McEwan's Rule of Relative Importance:
34468 When traveling with a herd of elephants,
34469 don't be the first to lie down and rest.
34471 McGowan's Madison Avenue Axiom:
34472 If an item is advertised as "under $50", you can bet it's not
34476 Whatever happens to you, it will previously have happened to
34477 everyone you know, only more so.
34480 Always remember that you are absolutely unique,
34481 just like everyone else.
34483 Meanehwael, baccat meaddehaele, monstaer lurccen;
34484 Fulle few too many drincce, hie luccen for fyht.
34485 [D]en Hreorfneorht[d]hwr, son of Hrwaerow[p]heororthwl,
34486 AEsccen aewful jeork to steop outsyd.
34487 [P]hud! Bashe! Crasch! Beoom! [D]e bigge gye
34488 Eallum his bon brak, byt his nose offe;
34489 Wicced Godsylla waeld on his asse.
34490 Monstaer moppe fleor wy[p] eallum men in haelle.
34491 Beowulf in bacceroome fonecall bemaccen waes;
34492 Hearen sond of ruccus saed, "Hwaet [d]e helle?"
34493 Graben sheold strang ond swich-blaed scharp
34494 Sond feorth to fyht [d]e grimlic foe.
34495 "Me," Godsylla saed, "mac [d]e minsemete."
34496 Heoro cwyc geten heold wi[p] faemed half-nelson
34497 Ond flyng him lic frisbe bac to fen.
34498 Beowulf belly up to meaddehaele bar,
34499 Saed, "Ne foe beaten mie faersom cung-fu."
34500 Eorderen cocca-colha yce-coeld, [d]e reol [p]yng.
34502 Meantime, in the slums below Ronnie's Ranch, Cynthia feels as if some one
34503 has made voodoo boxen of her and her favorite backplanes. On this fine
34504 moonlit night, some horrible persona has been jabbing away at, dragging
34505 magnets over, and surging these voodoo boxen. Fortunately, they seem to
34506 have gotten a bit bored and fallen asleep, for it looks like Cynthia may
34507 get to go home. However, she has made note to quickly put together a totem
34508 of sweaty, sordid static straps, random bits of wire, flecks of once meaningful
34509 oxide, bus grant cards, gummy worms, and some bits of old pdp backplane to
34510 hang above the machine room. This totem must be blessed by the old and wise
34511 venerable god of unibus at once, before the idolatization of vme, q and pc
34512 bus drive him to bitter revenge. Alas, if this fails, and the voodoo boxen
34513 aren't destroyed, there may be more than worms in the apple. Next, the
34514 arrival of voodoo optico transmitigational magneto killer paramecium, capable
34515 of teleporting from cable to cable, screen to screen, ear to ear and hoof
34518 Measure twice, cut once.
34520 Mediocrity finds safety in standardization.
34523 Meekness is uncommon patience in planning a worthwhile revenge.
34525 Meester, do you vant to buy a duck?
34528 An assembly of people coming together to decide what person or
34529 department not represented in the room must solve a problem.
34532 A place where minutes are kept and hours are lost.
34534 Meetings are an addictive, highly self indulgent activity that
34535 corporations and other large organizations habitually engage
34536 in only because they cannot actually masturbate.
34540 An interoffice communication too often written more for
34541 the benefit of the person who sends it than the person
34544 MEMORIES OF MY FAMILY MEETINGS still are a source of strength to me. I
34545 remember we'd all get into the car -- I forget what kind it was -- and
34548 I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there were some bees there. The
34549 smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we
34550 played. I remember a bigger, older guy whom we called "Dad." We'd eat
34551 some stuff or not and then I think we went home.
34553 I guess some things never leave you.
34554 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican", 1988.
34556 Memory fault -- brain fried
34558 Memory fault -- core...uh...um...core... Oh dammit, I forget!
34560 Memory fault - where am I?
34562 Memory should be the starting point of the present.
34564 Men are always ready to respect anything that bores them.
34567 Men are amused by almost any idiot thing -- that is why professional ice
34568 hockey is so popular -- so buying gifts for them is easy. But you should
34569 never buy them clothes. Men believe they already have all the clothes they
34570 will ever need, and new ones make them nervous. For example, your average
34571 man has 84 ties, but he wears, at most, only three of them. He has learned,
34572 through humiliating trial and error, that if he wears any of the other 81
34573 ties, his wife will probably laugh at him ("You're not going to wear THAT
34574 tie with that suit, are you?"). So he has narrowed it down to three safe
34575 ties, and has gone several years without being laughed at. If you give him
34576 a new tie, he will pretend to like it, but deep inside he will hate you.
34577 If you want to give a man something practical, consider tires. More
34578 than once, I would have gladly traded all the gifts I got for a new set
34580 -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
34582 Men are superior to women.
34585 Men are those creatures with two legs and eight hands.
34588 Men aren't attracted to me by my mind.
34589 They're attracted by what I don't mind...
34592 Men freely believe that what they wish to desire.
34595 Men have a much better time of it than women; for one
34596 thing they marry later; for another thing they die earlier.
34599 Men have as exaggerated an idea of their
34600 rights as women have of their wrongs.
34603 Men live for three things, fast cars, fast women and fast food.
34605 Men love to wonder, and that is the seed of science.
34607 Men never do evil so completely and cheerfully as when they do it
34608 from religious conviction.
34609 -- Blaise Pascal, "Pens'
\bees", 1670
34611 Men never make passes at girls wearing glasses.
34614 Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them
34615 pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened.
34616 -- Winston Churchill
34618 Men of lofty genius when they are doing the least work are most active.
34619 -- Leonardo da Vinci
34621 Men of quality are not afraid of women for equality.
34623 Men often believe -- or pretend -- that the "Law" is something sacred, or
34624 at least a science -- an unfounded assumption very convenient to governments.
34626 Men ought to know that from the brain and from the brain only arise our
34627 pleasures, joys, laughter, and jests as well as our sorrows, pains, griefs
34628 and tears. ... It is the same thing which makes us mad or delirious,
34629 inspires us with dread and fear, whether by night or by day, brings us
34630 sleeplessness, inopportune mistakes, aimless anxieties, absent-mindedness
34631 and acts that are contrary to habit...
34632 -- Hippocrates, "The Sacred Disease"
34634 Men say of women what pleases them; women do with men what pleases them.
34637 Men seldom show dimples to girls who have pimples.
34639 Men still remember the first kiss after women have forgotten the last.
34641 Men take only their needs into consideration -- never their abilities.
34642 -- Napoleon Bonaparte
34644 Men use thought only to justify their wrong doings,
34645 and speech only to conceal their thoughts.
34648 Men were real men, women were real women, and small, furry creatures
34649 from Alpha Centauri were REAL small, furry creatures from Alpha
34650 Centauri. Spirits were brave, men boldly split infinitives that no man
34651 had split before. Thus was the Empire forged.
34652 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
34654 Men who cherish for women the highest
34655 respect are seldom popular with them.
34658 Mencken and Nathan's Fifteenth Law of The Average American:
34659 The worst actress in the company is always the manager's wife.
34661 Mencken and Nathan's Ninth Law of The Average American:
34662 The quality of a champagne is judged by the amount of noise the
34663 cork makes when it is popped.
34665 Mencken and Nathan's Second Law of The Average American:
34666 All the postmasters in small towns read all the postcards.
34668 Mencken and Nathan's Second Law of The Average American:
34669 All the postmasters in small towns read all the postcards.
34671 Mencken and Nathan's Ninth Law of The Average American:
34672 The quality of a champagne is judged by the
34673 amount of noise the cork makes when it is popped.
34675 Mencken and Nathan's Fifteenth Law of The Average American:
34676 The worst actress in the company is always the manager's wife.
34678 Mencken and Nathan's Sixteenth Law of The Average American:
34679 Milking a cow is an operation demanding a special talent that
34680 is possessed only by yokels, and no person born in a large city can
34681 ever hope to acquire it.
34683 Mencken and Nathan's Sixteenth Law of The Average American:
34684 Milking a cow is an operation demanding a special talent that
34685 is possessed only by yokels, and no person born in a large city can
34686 ever hope to acquire it.
34688 Mene, mene, tekel, upharsin.
34690 Men's skin is different from women's skin. It is usually bigger, and
34691 it has more snakes tattooed on it. Also, if you examine a woman's skin
34692 very closely, inch by inch, starting at her shapely ankles, then gently
34693 tracing the slender curve of her calves, then moving up to her ...
34694 [EDITOR'S NOTE: To make room for news articles about important
34695 world events such as agriculture, we're going to delete the
34696 next few square feet of the woman's skin. Thank you.]
34697 ... until finally the two of you are lying there, spent, smoking your
34698 cigarettes, and suddenly it hits you: Human skin is actually made up of
34699 billions of tiny units of protoplasm, called "cells"! And what is even
34700 more interesting, the ones on the outside are all dying! This is a
34701 fact. Your skin is like an aggressive modern corporation, where the
34702 older veteran cells, who have finally worked their way to the top and
34703 obtained offices with nice views, are constantly being shoved out the
34704 window head first, without so much as a pension plan, by younger
34705 hotshot cells moving up from below.
34706 -- Dave Barry, "Saving Face"
34708 Mental power tended to corrupt, and absolute intelligence tended to
34709 corrupt absolutely, until the victim eschewed violence entirely in
34710 favor of smart solutions to stupid problems.
34713 Mental things which have not gone in through the
34714 senses are vain and bring forth no truth except detrimental.
34718 A list of dishes which the restaurant has just run out of.
34721 There's never time to do it right, but there's always time to
34724 MESSAGE ACKNOWLEDGED -- The Pershing II missiles have been launched.
34726 Message from Our Sponsor on ttyTV at 13:58 ...
34728 Message will arrive in the mail. Destroy, before the FBI sees it.
34731 One who doubts the established fact that it is
34732 bound to rain if you forget your umbrella.
34734 Metermaids eat their young.
34736 methionylglutaminylarginyltyrosylglutamylserylleucylphenylalanylalanylglutamin-
34737 ylleucyllysylglutamylarginyllysylglutamylglycylalanylphenylalanylvalylprolyl-
34738 phenylalanylvalylthreonylleucylglycylaspartylprolylglycylisoleucylglutamylglu-
34739 taminylserylleucyllysylisoleucylaspartylthreonylleucylisoleucylglutamylalanyl-
34740 glycylalanylaspartylalanylleucylglutamylleucylglycylisoleucylprolylphenylala-
34741 nylserylaspartylprolylleucylalanylaspartylglycylprolylthreonylisoleucylgluta-
34742 minylasparaginylalanylthreonylleucylarginylalanylphenylalanylalanylalanylgly-
34743 cylvalylthreonylprolylalanylglutaminylcysteinylphenylalanylglutamylmethionyl-
34744 leucylalanylleucylisoleucylarginylglutaminyllysylhistidylprolylthreonylisoleu-
34745 cylprolylisoleucylglycylleucylleucylmethionyltyrosylalanylasparaginylleucylva-
34746 lylphenylalanylasparaginyllysylglycylisoleucylaspartylglutamylphenylalanyltyro-
34747 sylalanylglutaminylcysteinylglutamyllysylvalylglycylvalylaspartylserylvalylleu-
34748 cylvalylalanylaspartylvalylprolylvalylglutaminylglutamylserylalanylprolylphe-
34749 nylalanylarginylglutaminylalanylalanylleucylarginylhistidylasparaginylvalylala-
34750 nylprolylisoleucylphenylalanylisoleucylcysteinylprolylprolylaspartylalanylas-
34751 partylaspartylaspartylleucylleucylarginylglutaminylisoleucylalanylseryltyrosyl-
34752 glycylarginylglycyltyrosylthreonyltyrosylleucylleucylserylarginylalanylglycyl-
34753 valylthreonylglycylalanylglutamylasparaginylarginylalanylalanylleucylprolylleu-
34754 cylasparaginylhistidylleucylvalylalanyllysylleucyllysylglutamyltyrosylasparagi-
34755 nylalanylalanylprolylprolylleucylglutaminylglycylphenylalanylglycylisoleucylse-
34756 rylalanylprolylaspartylglutaminylvalyllysylalanylalanylisoleucylaspartylalanyl-
34757 glycylalanylalanylglycylalanylisoleucylserylglycylserylalanylisoleucylvalylly-
34758 sylisoleucylisoleucylglutamylglutaminylhistidylasparaginylisoleucylglutamylpro-
34759 lylglutamyllysylmethionylleucylalanylalanylleucyllysylvalylphenylalanylvalyl-
34760 glutaminylprolylmethionyllysylalanylalanylthreonylarginylserine, n.:
34761 The chemical name for tryptophan synthetase A protein, a
34762 1,913-letter enzyme with 267 amino acids.
34763 -- Mrs. Byrne's Dictionary of Unusual, Obscure, and
34766 Mickey Mouse wears a Spiro Agnew watch.
34772 Never trust a computer bigger than you can lift.
34774 Microbiology Lab: Staph Only!
34776 "Microwave oven? Whaddya mean, it's a microwave oven? I've been
34777 watching Channel 4 on the thing for two weeks."
34779 Microwaves frizz your heir.
34781 Mieux vaut tard que jamais!
34783 Might as well be frank, monsieur. It would take a miracle to get you
34784 out of Casablanca and the Germans have outlawed miracles.
34785 -- Signor Ferrari, "Casablanca" (1942)
34787 Mike: "The Fourth Dimension is a shambles?"
34788 Bernie: "Nobody ever empties the ashtrays. People are SO
34790 -- Gary Trudeau, "Doonesbury"
34793 If a string has one end, then it has another end.
34795 Militant agnostic: I don't know, and you don't either.
34797 Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
34800 Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
34804 Lose a few, lose a few.
34807 The amount of beauty required to launch one ship.
34809 Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with
34810 themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.
34813 Millions of sensible people are too high-minded to concede that
34814 politics is almost always the choice of the lesser evil. "Tweedledum
34815 and Tweedledee," they say, "I will not vote." Having abstained, they
34816 are presented with a President who appoints the people who are going to
34817 rummage around in their lives for the next four years. Consider all
34818 the people who sat home in a stew in 1968 rather than vote for Hubert
34819 Humphrey. They showed Humphrey. Those people who taught Hubert
34820 Humphrey a lesson will still be enjoying the Nixon Supreme Court when
34821 Tricia and Julie begin to find silver threads among the gold and the
34823 -- Russel Baker, "Ford without Flummery"
34825 Mind! I don't mean to say that I know, of my own knowledge, what there
34826 is particularly dead about a door-nail. I might have been inclined,
34827 myself, to regard a coffin-nail as the deadest piece of ironmongery in
34828 the trade. But the wisdom of our ancestors is in the simile; and my
34829 unhallowed hands shall not disturb it, or the Country's done for. You
34830 will therefore permit me to repeat, emphatically, that Marley was as
34831 dead as a door-nail.
34834 "I don't care if you burst into flames and die!"
34837 "Yes, I'd like to see that, does it come out of your ears or what?"
34839 Mind your own business, Spock.
34840 I'm sick of your halfbreed interference.
34842 Mind your own business, then you don't mind mine.
34845 A computer that can be afforded on the budget of a middle-level
34849 home of the blonde hair and blue ears.
34850 mosquito supplier to the free world.
34851 come fall in love with a loon.
34852 where visitors turn blue with envy.
34853 one day it's warm, the rest of the year it's cold.
34854 land of many cultures -- mostly throat.
34855 where the elite meet sleet.
34856 glove it or leave it.
34857 many are cold, but few are frozen.
34858 land of the ski and home of the crazed.
34859 land of 10,000 Petersons.
34861 Minnie Mouse is a slow maze learner.
34863 Minors in Kansas City, Missouri, are not allowed to purchase cap
34864 pistols; they may buy shotguns freely, however.
34867 Meaningless Indicator of Processor Speed
34869 Mirrors should reflect a little before throwing back images.
34872 Misery loves company, but company does not reciprocate.
34874 Misery no longer loves company. Nowadays it insists on it.
34878 The kind of fortune that never misses.
34879 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
34881 Misfortunes arrive on wings and leave on foot.
34884 A title with which we brand unmarried
34885 women to indicate that they are in the market.
34886 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
34888 Mistakes are often the stepping stones to utter failure.
34890 Mistrust first impulses; they are always right.
34893 The Georgia Tech of the North
34895 Mitchell's Law of Committees:
34896 Any simple problem can be made insoluble if enough meetings are
34897 held to discuss it.
34899 mittsquinter, adj.:
34900 A ballplayer who looks into his glove after missing the ball, as
34901 if, somehow, the cause of the error lies there.
34902 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
34904 Mix a little foolishness with your serious plans;
34905 it's lovely to be silly at the right moment.
34909 Watching a bus-load of lawyers plunge off a cliff.
34910 With five empty seats.
34913 There is nothing more permanent than a temporary building.
34914 There is nothing more permanent than a temporary tax.
34916 Mobius strippers never show you their back side.
34918 MOCK APPLE PIE (No Apples Needed)
34920 Pastry to two crust 9-inch pie 36 RITZ Crackers
34921 2 cups water 2 cups sugar
34922 2 teaspoons cream of tartar 2 tablespoons lemon juice
34923 Grated rind of one lemon Butter or margarine
34926 Roll out bottom crust of pastry and fit into 9-inch pie plate. Break
34927 RITZ Crackers coarsely into pastry-lined plate. Combine water, sugar
34928 and cream of tartar in saucepan, boil gently for 15 minutes. Add lemon
34929 juice and rind. Cool. Pour this syrup over Crackers, dot generously
34930 with butter or margarine and sprinkle with cinnamon. Cover with top
34931 crust. Trim and flute edges together. Cut slits in top crust to let
34932 steam escape. Bake in a hot oven (425 F) 30 to 35 minutes, until crust
34933 is crisp and golden. Serve warm. Cut into 6 to 8 slices.
34934 -- Found lurking on a Ritz Crackers box
34936 Modeling paged and segmented memories is tricky business.
34940 Up-to-date, new-fangled, as in "Thoroughly Modem Millie." An
34941 unfortunate byproduct of kerning.
34943 Moderation in all things.
34944 -- Publius Terentius Afer [Terence]
34946 Moderation is a fatal thing. Nothing succeeds like excess.
34949 Modern art is what happens when painters stop looking at girls and persuade
34950 themselves that they have a better idea.
34953 Modern man is the missing link between apes and human beings.
34955 Modern psychology takes completely for granted that behavior and neural
34956 function are perfectly correlated, that one is completely caused by the
34957 other. There is no separate soul or lifeforce to stick a finger into the
34958 brain now and then and make neural cells do what they would not otherwise.
34959 Actually, of course, this is a working assumption only. ... It is quite
34960 conceivable that someday the assumption will have to be rejected. But it
34961 is important also to see that we have not reached that day yet: the working
34962 assumption is a necessary one and there is no real evidence opposed to it.
34963 Our failure to solve a problem so far does not make it insoluble. One cannot
34964 logically be a determinist in physics and biology, and a mystic in psychology.
34965 -- D. O. Hebb, "Organization of Behavior: A Neuropsychological
34969 Being comfortable that others will discover your greatness.
34971 Modesty is a vastly overrated virtue.
34974 Modesty: the gentle art of enhancing your charm by pretending
34975 not to be aware of it.
34978 Moe: Wanna play poker tonight?
34979 Joe: I can't. It's the kids' night out.
34981 Joe: I gotta stay home with the nurse.
34983 Moe: What did you give your wife for Valentine's Day?
34984 Joe: The usual gift -- she ate my heart out.
34986 Moebius always does it on the same side.
34988 Mohandas K. Gandhi often changed his mind publicly. An aide once asked
34989 him how he could so freely contradict this week what he had said just
34990 last week. The great man replied that it was because this week he knew
34993 Moishe Margolies, who weighed all of 105 pounds and stood an even five feet
34994 in his socks, was taking his first airplane trip. He took a seat next to a
34995 hulking bruiser of a man who happened to be the heavyweight champion of
34996 the world. Little Moishe was uneasy enough before he even entered the plane,
34997 but now the roar of the engines and the great height absolutely terrified him.
34998 So frightened did he become that his stomach turned over and he threw up all
34999 over the muscular giant siting beside him. Fortunately, at least for Moishe,
35000 the man was sound asleep. But now the little man had another problem. How in
35001 the world would he ever explain the situation to the burly brute when he
35002 awakened? The sudden voice of the stewardess on the plane's intercom, finally
35003 woke the bruiser, and Moishe, his heart in his mouth, rose to the occasion.
35004 "Feeling better now?" he asked solicitously.
35007 The ultimate, indivisible unit of matter. It is distinguished from
35008 the corpuscle, also the ultimate, indivisible unit of matter, by a
35009 closer resemblance to the atom, also the ultimate, indivisible unit
35010 of matter... The ion differs from the molecule, the corpuscle and
35011 the atom in that it is an ion...
35012 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
35014 Mollison's Bureaucracy Hypothesis:
35015 If an idea can survive a bureaucratic review and be implemented
35016 it wasn't worth doing.
35019 What you give a person when they are going away.
35021 Mommy, what happens to your files when you die?
35024 When they finally do have to take you to the
35025 hospital, your underwear won't be clean or new.
35027 Monday is an awful way to spend one seventh of your life.
35030 In Christian countries, the day after the baseball game.
35031 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
35034 In Christian countries, the day after the football game.
35035 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
35037 Money and women are the most sought after and the least known of any two
35039 -- The Best of Will Rogers
35041 Money cannot buy love, nor even friendship.
35045 but is excellent kindling.
35047 To the man-in-the-street, who, I'm sorry to say,
35048 Is a keen observer of life,
35049 The word intellectual suggests right away
35050 A man who's untrue to his wife.
35051 -- W. H. Auden, "Collected Shorter Poems"
35053 Money can't buy happiness, but it can make you
35054 awfully comfortable while you're being miserable.
35057 Money can't buy love, but it improves your bargaining position.
35058 -- Christopher Marlowe
35060 Money doesn't talk, it swears.
35063 Money is a powerful aphrodisiac. But flowers work almost as well.
35066 Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
35068 Money is its own reward.
35070 Money is the root of all evil, and man needs roots.
35072 Money is the root of all wealth.
35074 Money is truthful. If a man speaks of his honor, make him pay cash.
35077 Money isn't everything -- but it's a long way ahead of what comes next.
35078 -- Sir Edmond Stockdale
35080 Money may buy friendship but money cannot buy love.
35082 Money may not buy happiness, but it sure
35083 puts you in a great bargaining position.
35085 Money will say more in one moment than
35086 the most eloquent lover can in years.
35088 Moneyliness is next to Godliness.
35091 Monogamy is the Western custom of one wife and hardly any mistresses.
35095 Marriage to one woman at a time.
35098 A grizzly bear praying for the early arrival of cable television.
35101 Where forty-three below keeps out the riff-raff.
35103 Monterey... is decidedly the pleasantest and most civilized-looking place
35104 in California ... [it] is also a great place for cock-fighting, gambling
35105 of all sorts, fandangos, and various kinds of amusements and knavery.
35106 -- Richard Henry Dama, "Two Years Before the Mast", 1840
35109 1. A celestial object whose phase is very important to
35110 hackers. See PHASE OF THE MOON. 2. Dave Moon (MOON@MC).
35113 Everybody sets out to do something, and everybody
35114 does something, but no one does what he sets out to do.
35117 Fear of being verbally abused by a Mississippian.
35119 More are taken in by hope than by cunning.
35122 More people are flattered into virtue than bullied out of vice.
35125 More people died at Chappaquidick than at 3-mile island.
35127 More people have died in Ted Kennedy's car than in nuclear power plants.
35129 More than any time in history, mankind now faces a crossroads. One
35130 path leads to despair and utter hopelessness, the other to total
35131 extinction. Let us pray that we have the wisdom to choose correctly.
35132 -- Woody Allen, "Side Effects"
35134 Morris had been down on his luck for months, and, though not a devoutly
35135 religious man, had begun to visit the local synagogue to ask God's help.
35136 One week, out of desperation, he prayed, "God, I've been a good and decent
35137 man all my life. Would it be so terrible if You let me win the lottery
35139 The despondent fellow returned week after week. One day, Morris,
35140 nearly hopeless now, prayed, "God, I've never asked You for anything before.
35141 I just want to win one little lottery."
35142 "As he dejectedly rose to leave, God's voice boomed, "Morris, at
35143 least meet Me halfway on this. Buy a ticket!"
35146 If rats are experimented upon, they will develop cancer.
35148 Mos Eisley Spaceport; you'll not find a more
35149 wretched collection of villainy and disreputable types...
35150 -- Obi-wan Kenobi, "Star Wars"
35152 Mosher's Law of Software Engineering:
35153 Don't worry if it doesn't work right. If everything did, you'd
35157 The state bird of New Jersey.
35159 Most burning issues generate far more heat than light.
35161 Most fish live underwater, which is a terrible place to have sex
35162 because virtually anywhere you lie down there will be stinging crabs
35163 and large quantities of little fish staring at you with buggy little
35164 eyes. So generally when two fish want to have sex, they swim around
35165 and around for hours, looking for someplace to go, until finally the
35166 female gets really tired and has a terrible headache, and she just
35167 dumps her eggs right on the sand and swims away. Then the male, driven
35168 by some timeless, noble instinct for survival, eats the eggs. So the
35169 truth is that fish don't reproduce at all, but there are so many of
35170 them that it doesn't make any difference.
35171 -- Dave Barry, "Sex and the Single Amoeba: What Every
35174 Most folks they like the daytime,
35175 'cause they like to see the shining sun.
35176 They're up in the morning,
35177 off and a-running till they're too tired for having fun.
35178 But when the sun goes down,
35179 and the bright lights shine, my daytime has just begun.
35181 Now there are two sides to this great big world,
35182 and one of them is always night.
35183 If you can take care of business in the sunshine, baby,
35184 I guess you're gonna be all right.
35185 Don't come looking for me to lend you a hand.
35186 My eyes just can't stand the light.
35188 'Cause I'm a night owl honey, sleep all day long.
35191 Most general statements are false, including this one.
35194 Most of our lives are about proving something,
35195 either to ourselves or to someone else.
35197 Most of the fear that spoils our life comes from attacking
35198 difficulties before we get to them.
35201 ...most of us learned about love the hard way. Even warnings are probably
35202 useless, for somehow, despite the severest warnings of parents and friends,
35203 hundreds, thousands of women have forgotten themselves at the last minute
35204 and succumbed to the lies, promises, flatteries, or mere attentions of
35205 lusting, lovely men, landing themselves in complicated predicaments from
35206 which some of them never recovered during their entire lives. And I am not
35207 speaking only of your teenaged Midwesterners in 1958; I'm speaking of women
35208 of every age in every city in every year. The notorious sexual revolution
35209 has saved no one from the pain and confusion of love.
35210 -- Alix Kates Shulman
35212 Most of your faults are not your fault.
35214 Most people are too busy to have time for anything important.
35216 Most people are unable to write because they are unable to think, and
35217 they are unable to think because they congenitally lack the equipment
35218 to do so, just as they congenitally lack the equipment to fly over the
35222 Most people can do without the essentials, but not without the luxuries.
35224 Most people can't understand how others can blow their noses differently
35228 Most people deserve each other.
35231 Most people don't need a great deal of love
35232 nearly so much as they need a steady supply.
35234 Most people eat as though they were fattening themselves for market.
35237 Most people feel that everyone is entitled to their opinion.
35239 Most people have a furious itch to talk about themselves and are restrained
35240 only by the disinclination of others to listen. Reserve is an artificial
35241 quality that is developed in most of us as the result of innumerable rebuffs.
35242 -- W. Somerset Maugham
35244 Most people have a mind that's open by appointment only.
35246 Most people have two reasons for doing anything --
35247 a good reason, and the real reason.
35249 Most people in this society who aren't actively mad are,
35250 at best, reformed or potential lunatics.
35253 Most people need some of their problems
35254 to help take their mind off some of the others.
35256 Most people prefer certainty to truth.
35258 Most people want either less corruption
35259 or more of a chance to participate in it.
35261 Most people will listen to your unreasonable demands,
35262 if you'll consider their unacceptable offer.
35264 Most people wouldn't know music if it came up and bit them on the ass.
35267 Most people's favorite way to end a game is by winning.
35269 Most public domain software is free, at least at first glance.
35271 Most rock journalism is people who can't write interviewing people who
35272 can't talk for people who can't read.
35275 Most seminars have a happy ending. Everyone's glad when they're over.
35277 Most Texans think Hanukkah is some sort of duck call.
35283 Mother Earth is not flat!
35285 Mother is far too clever to understand anything she does not like.
35288 Mother is the invention of necessity.
35290 Mother said there would be days like this, but she never said that
35291 there would be so many.
35293 Mother said there would be days like this, but she never said there
35296 Mother told me to be good, but she's been wrong before.
35298 Mothers all want their sons to grow up to be President, but they
35299 don't want them to become politicians in the process.
35302 Mothers of large families (who claim to common sense)
35303 Will find a Tiger will repay the trouble and expense.
35304 -- Hilaire Belloc, "The Tiger"
35306 Mount St. Helens should have used earth control.
35308 MOUNT TAPE U1439 ON B3, NO RING
35310 Mountain Dew and doughnuts... because breakfast is the most important meal
35314 The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant; the
35315 population is growing.
35317 Mr. Rockford? This is Betty Joe Withers. I got four shirts of yours from
35318 the Bo Peep Cleaners by mistake. I don't know why they gave me men's
35319 shirts but they're going back.
35321 Mr. Rockford? You don't know me, but I'd like to hire you. Could
35322 you call me at... My name is... uh... Never mind, forget it!
35324 Mr. Rockford; Miss Collins from the Bureau of Licenses. We got your
35325 renewal before the extended deadline but not your check. I'm sorry but
35326 at midnight you're no longer licensed as an investigator.
35328 Mr. Rockford, this is the Thomas Crown School of Dance and Contemporary
35329 Etiquette. We aren't going to call again! Now you want these free
35332 Mr. Salter's side of the conversation was limited to expressions of assent.
35333 When Lord Copper was right he said "Definitely, Lord Copper"; when he was
35334 wrong, "Up to a point."
35335 "Let me see, what's the name of the place I mean? Capital of Japan?
35336 Yokohama isn't it?"
35337 "Up to a point, Lord Copper."
35338 "And Hong Kong definitely belongs to us, doesn't it?"
35339 "Definitely, Lord Copper."
35340 -- Evelyn Waugh, "Scoop"
35342 MSDOS is not dead, it just smells that way.
35345 Much as they like to persuade us differently, lawyers are simply hired
35346 consultants, and at some point you time them out.
35349 Much of the excitement we get out of our work
35350 is that we don't really know what we are doing.
35351 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
35353 Much to his Mum and Dad's dismay, Horace ate himself one day.
35354 He didn't stop to say his grace, he just sat down and ate his face.
35355 "We can't have this!" his Dad declared, "If that lad's ate, he should
35357 But even as he spoke they saw Horace eating more and more:
35358 First his legs and then his thighs, his arms, his nose, his hair, his eyes...
35359 "Stop him someone!" Mother cried, "Those eyeballs would be better fried!"
35360 But all too late, for they were gone, and he had started on his dong...
35361 "Oh! foolish child!" the father mourns "You could have deep-fried that
35363 Some parsley and some tartar sauce..."
35364 But H. was on his second course: his liver and his lights and lung,
35365 His ears, his neck, his chin, his tongue; "To think I raised him from the cot,
35366 And now he's going to scoff the lot!"
35367 His Mother cried: "What shall we do? What's left won't even make a stew..."
35368 And as she wept, her son was seen, to eat his head, his heart his spleen.
35369 and there he lay: a boy no more, just a stomach on the floor...
35370 None the less, since it *was* his, they ate it -- that's what haggis is.
35372 Multics is security spelled sideways.
35374 "Multiply in your head" (ordered the compassionate Dr. Adams)
35375 "365,365,365,365,365,365 by 365,365,365,365,365,365. He [ten-year-old
35376 Truman Henry Safford] flew around the room like a top, pulled his
35377 pantaloons over the tops of his boots, bit his hands, rolled his eyes
35378 in their sockets, sometimes smiling and talking, and then seeming to be
35379 in an agony, until, in not more than one minute, said he,
35380 133,491,850,208,566,925,016,658,299,941,583,225!" An electronic
35381 computer might do the job a little faster but it wouldn't be as much
35383 -- James R. Newman, "The World of Mathematics"
35386 An Egyptian who was pressed for time.
35388 Mummy dust to make me old;
35389 To shroud my clothes, the black of night;
35390 To age my voice, an old hag's cackle;
35391 To whiten my hair, a scream of fright;
35392 A blast of wind to fan my hate;
35393 A thunderbolt to mix it well --
35394 Now begin thy magic spell!
35395 -- The Evil Queen, "Snow White"
35397 Mummy dust to make me old;
35398 To shroud my clothes, the black of night;
35399 To age my voice, an old hag's cackle;
35400 To whiten my hair, a scream of fright;
35401 A blast of wind to fan my hate;
35402 A thunderbolt to mix it well --
35403 Now begin thy magic spell!
35404 -- Walter Disney, "Snow White"
35407 -- Miguel de Cervantes
35409 Mundus vult decipi decipiatur ergo.
35410 -- Xaviera Hollander
35412 [The world wants to be cheated, so cheat.]
35414 Murder is always a mistake -- one should never do anything one cannot
35415 talk about after dinner.
35416 -- Oscar Wilde, "The Picture of Dorian Gray"
35418 Murphy was an optimist.
35420 Murphy's Discovery:
35421 Do you know Presidents talk to the country the way men talk to
35422 women? They say, "Trust me, go all the way with me, and everything
35423 will be all right." And what happens? Nine months later, you're in
35426 Murphy's Law is recursive. Washing your car to make it rain doesn't
35429 Murphy's Law of Research:
35430 Enough research will tend to support your theory.
35432 "Murphy's Law, that brash proletarian restatement of Godel's Theorem ..."
35433 -- Thomas Pynchon, "Gravity's Rainbow"
35436 (1) If anything can go wrong, it will.
35437 (2) Nothing is as easy as it looks.
35438 (3) Everything takes longer than you think it will.
35441 Any country with "democratic" in the title isn't.
35443 Music in the soul can be heard by the universe.
35446 Must be getting close to town -- we're hitting more people.
35448 Must I hold a candle to my shames?
35449 -- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"
35452 Any item of food that has been sitting in the refrigerator so
35453 long it has become a science project.
35454 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
35456 My advice to you, my violent friend, is to seek out gold and sit on it.
35457 -- The Dragon to Grendel, in John Gardner's "Grendel"
35459 My analyst told me that I was right out of my head,
35460 But I said, "Dear Doctor, I think that it is you instead.
35461 Because I have got a thing that is unique and new,
35462 To prove it I'll have the last laugh on you.
35463 'Cause instead of one head -- I've got two.
35465 And you know two heads are better than one.
35467 My band career ended late in my senior year when John Cooper and I
35468 threw my amplifier out the dormitory window. We did not act in haste.
35469 First we checked to make sure the amplifier would fit through the
35470 frame, using the belt from my bathrobe to measure, then we picked up
35471 the amplifier and backed up to my bedroom door. Then we rushed
35472 forward, shouting "The WHO! The WHO!" and we launched my amplifier
35473 perfectly, as though we had been doing it all our lives, clean through
35474 the window and down onto the sidewalk, where a small but appreciative
35475 crowd had gathered. I would like to be able to say that this was a
35476 symbolic act, an effort on my part to break cleanly away from one state
35477 in my life and move on to another, but the truth is, Cooper and I
35478 really just wanted to find out what it would sound like. It sounded
35480 -- Dave Barry, "The Snake"
35482 My best argument against discrimination is quite simple:
35484 Does it really matter if the ABC people are inferior to the DEF people if
35485 they can tell one end of a gun from the other?
35487 My Bonnie looked into a gas tank,
35488 The height of its contents to see!
35489 She lit a small match to assist her,
35490 Oh, bring back my Bonnie to me.
35492 My boy is mean kid. I came home the other day and saw him taping worms
35493 to the sidewalk, he sits there and watches the birds get hernias. Well,
35494 only last Christmas I gave him a B-B gun and he gave me a sweatshirt with
35495 a bulls-eye on the back.
35497 I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own." One of them
35498 said, "So will you."
35499 -- Rodney Dangerfield
35501 My brain is my second favorite organ.
35504 My brother sent me a postcard the other day with this big satellite photo
35505 of the entire earth on it. On the back it said: "Wish you were here".
35508 My calculator is my shepherd, I shall not want
35509 It maketh me accurate to ten significant figures,
35510 and it leadeth me in scientific notation to 99 digits.
35511 It restoreth my square roots and guideth me along paths of floating
35512 decimal points for the sake of precision.
35513 Yea, tho I walk through the valley of surprise quizzes,
35514 I will fear no prof, for my calculator is there to hearten me.
35515 It prepareth a log table to comfort me, it prepareth an
35516 arc sin for me in the presence of my teachers.
35517 It anoints my homework with correct solutions, my interpolations are
35519 Surely, both precision and accuracy shall follow me all the days of my
35520 life, and I shall dwell in the house of Texas instruments forever.
35522 My central memory of that time seems to hang on one or five or maybe forty
35523 nights -- or very early mornings -- when I left the Fillmore half-crazy and,
35524 instead of going home, aimed the big 650 Lightning across the Bay Bridge at
35525 a hundred miles an hour ... booming through the Treasure Island tunnel at
35526 the lights of Oakland and Berkeley and Richmond, not quite sure which
35527 turnoff to take when I got to the other end ... but being absolutely certain
35528 that no matter which way I went I would come to a place where people were
35529 just as high and wild as I was: no doubt at all about that.
35530 -- Hunter S. Thompson
35532 "My country, right or wrong" is a thing that no patriot would think
35533 of saying, except in a desperate case. It is like saying "My mother,
35535 -- G. K. Chesterton, "The Defendant"
35537 "My country right or wrong" is like saying, "My mother drunk or
35539 -- G. K. Chesterton
35541 My cup hath runneth'd over with love.
35543 My darling wife was always glum.
35544 I drowned her in a cask of rum,
35545 And so made sure that she would stay
35546 In better spirits night and day.
35548 "My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless
35549 there are three other people."
35552 My doctorate's in Literature, but it seems like a pretty good pulse to me.
35554 My experience with government is when things are non-controversial,
35555 beautifully co-ordinated and all the rest, it must be that not much
35559 My family history begins with me, but yours ends with you.
35562 My father, a good man, told me, "Never lose
35563 your ignorance; you cannot replace it."
35564 -- Erich Maria Remarque
35566 My father taught me three things:
35567 1: Never mix whiskey with anything but water.
35568 2: Never try to draw to an inside straight.
35569 3: Never discuss business with anyone who refuses to give his name.
35571 My father was a God-fearing man, but he never
35572 missed a copy of the New York Times, either.
35575 My father was a saint, I'm not.
35578 My favorite sandwich is peanut butter, baloney, cheddar cheese, lettuce
35579 and mayonnaise on toasted bread with catsup on the side.
35580 -- Hubert H. Humphrey
35582 My first basename is George "Catfish" Metkovich from our 1952 Pittsburgh
35583 Pirates team, which lost 112 games. After a terrible series against the
35584 New York Giants, in which our center fielder made three throwing errors
35585 and let two balls get through his legs, manager Billy Meyer pleaded, "Can
35586 somebody think of something to help us win a game?"
35587 "I'd like to make a suggestion," Metkovich said. "On any ball hit
35588 to center field, let's just let it roll to see if it might go foul."
35589 -- Joe Garagiola, "It's Anybody's Ball Game"
35591 My folks didn't come over on the Mayflower,
35592 but they were there to meet the boat.
35594 My friend has a baby. I'm writing down all the noises he makes so
35595 later I can ask him what he meant.
35598 My geometry teacher was sometimes acute, and sometimes obtuse,
35599 but always, always, he was right.
35601 My girlfriend and I sure had a good time at the beach last summer. First
35602 she'd bury me in the sand, then I'd bury her. This summer I'm going to go
35603 back and dig her up.
35605 "My God! Are we sure he was a liberal?"
35606 "Pretty sure. They pulled him from a Volvo."
35608 My God, I'm depressed! Here I am, a computer with a mind a thousand
35609 times as powerful as yours, doing nothing but cranking out fortunes and
35610 sending mail about softball games. And I've got this pain right
35611 through my ALU. I've asked for it to be replaced, but nobody ever
35612 listens. I think it would be better for us both if you were to just
35615 My, how you've changed since I've changed.
35617 My idea of roughing it is when room service is late.
35619 My idea of roughing it turning the air conditioner too low.
35621 My interest is in the future because I am
35622 going to spend the rest of my life there.
35624 "My life is a soap opera, but who has the rights?"
35627 My love, he's mad, and my love, he's fleet,
35628 And a wild young wood-thing bore him!
35629 The ways are fair to his roaming feet,
35630 And the skies are sunlit for him.
35631 As sharply sweet to my heart he seems
35632 As the fragrance of acacia.
35633 My own dear love, he is all my dreams --
35634 And I wish he were in Asia.
35635 -- Dorothy Parker, part 2
35637 My love runs by like a day in June,
35638 And he makes no friends of sorrows.
35639 He'll tread his galloping rigadoon
35640 In the pathway or the morrows.
35641 He'll live his days where the sunbeams start
35642 Nor could storm or wind uproot him.
35643 My own dear love, he is all my heart --
35644 And I wish somebody'd shoot him.
35645 -- Dorothy Parker, part 3
35647 My method is to take the utmost trouble to find the right
35648 thing to say. And then say it with the utmost levity.
35649 -- George Bernard Shaw
35651 My mind can never know my body, although
35652 it has become quite friendly with my legs.
35653 -- Woody Allen, on Epistemology
35655 My mother drinks to forget she drinks.
35658 My mother loved children -- she would have given anything if I had been
35662 My mother once said to me, "Elwood," (she always called me Elwood)
35663 "Elwood, in this world you must be oh so smart or oh so pleasant."
35664 For years I tried smart. I recommend pleasant.
35665 -- Elwood P. Dowde, "Harvey"
35667 My mother wants grandchildren, so I said, "Mom, go for it!"
35671 Rock and roll is here to stay The king is gone but he's not forgotten
35672 It's better to burn out This is the story of a Johnny Rotten
35673 Than to fade away It's better to burn out than it is to rust
35674 My my, hey hey The king is gone but he's not forgotten
35676 It's out of the blue and into the black Hey hey, my my
35677 They give you this, but you pay for that Rock and roll can never die
35678 And once you're gone you can never come back There's more to the picture
35679 When you're out of the blue Than meets the eye
35682 "My My, Hey Hey (Out of the Blue), Rust Never Sleeps"
35684 My notion of a husband at forty is that a woman should
35685 be able to change him, like a bank note, for two twenties.
35687 My only love sprung from my only hate!
35688 Too early seen unknown, and known too late!
35689 -- William Shakespeare, "Romeo and Juliet"
35691 My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
35693 My own business always bores me to death; I prefer other people's.
35696 My own dear love, he is strong and bold
35697 And he cares not what comes after.
35698 His words ring sweet as a chime of gold,
35699 And his eyes are lit with laughter.
35700 He is jubilant as a flag unfurled --
35701 Oh, a girl, she'd not forget him.
35702 My own dear love, he is all my world --
35703 And I wish I'd never met him.
35704 -- Dorothy Parker, part 1
35706 My own life has been spent chronicling the rise and fall of human systems,
35707 and I am convinced that we are terribly vulnerable. ... We should be
35708 reluctant to turn back upon the frontier of this epoch. Space is indifferent
35709 to what we do; it has no feeling, no design, no interest in whether or not
35710 we grapple with it. But we cannot be indifferent to space, because the grand,
35711 slow march of intelligence has brought us, in our generation, to a point
35712 from which we can explore and understand and utilize it. To turn back now
35713 would be to deny our history, our capabilities.
35714 -- James A. Michener
35716 "My pants just went on a wild rampage through a Long Island Bowling
35718 -- Zippy the Pinhead
35720 My parents went to Niagra Falls and all I got was this crummy life.
35722 My pen is at the bottom of a page,
35723 Which, being finished, here the story ends;
35724 'Tis to be wished it had been sooner done,
35725 But stories somehow lengthen when begun.
35728 My philosophy is: Don't think.
35731 My problem lies in reconciling my gross habits with my net income.
35734 Any man who has $10,000 left when he dies is a failure.
35737 My rackets are run on strictly American
35738 lines, and they're going to stay that way.
35741 My religion consists of a humble admiration of the illimitable superior
35742 spirit who reveals himself in the slight details we are able to perceive
35743 with our frail and feeble mind.
35746 My ritual differs slightly. What I do, first thing [in the morning], is I
35747 hop into the shower stall. Then I hop right back out, because when I hopped
35748 in I landed barefoot right on top of See Threepio, a little plastic robot
35749 character from "Star Wars" whom my son, Robert, likes to pull the legs off
35750 of while he showers. Then I hop right back into the stall because our dog,
35751 Earnest, who has been alone in the basement all night building up powerful
35752 dog emotions, has come bounding and quivering into the bathroom and wants
35753 to greet me with 60 or 70 thousand playful nips, any one of which -- bear
35754 in mind that I am naked and, without my contact lenses, essentially blind
35755 -- could result in the kind of injury where you have to learn a whole new
35756 part if you want to sing the "Messiah," if you get my drift. Then I hop
35757 right back out, because Robert, with that uncanny sixth sense some children
35758 have -- you cannot teach it; they either have it or they don't -- has chosen
35759 exactly that moment to flush one of the toilets. Perhaps several of them.
35762 My schoolmates would make love to anything that moved, but I never saw any
35763 reason to limit myself.
35766 My sister opened a computer store in Hawaii.
35767 She sells C shells by the seashore.
35769 My soul is crushed, my spirit sore
35770 I do not like me anymore,
35771 I cavil, quarrel, grumble, grouse,
35772 I ponder on the narrow house
35773 I shudder at the thought of men
35774 I'm due to fall in love again.
35775 -- Dorothy Parker, "Enough Rope"
35777 My theology, briefly, is that the universe was dictated but not signed.
35778 -- Christopher Morley
35780 My uncle was the town drunk -- and we lived in Chicago.
35783 My way of joking is to tell the truth.
35784 That's the funniest joke in the world.
35787 My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies.
35789 Mystics always hope that science will some day overtake them.
35790 -- Booth Tarkington
35793 The body of a primitive people's beliefs concerning its
35794 origin, early history, heroes, deities and so forth, as distinguished
35795 from the true accounts which it invents later.
35796 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
35798 Naches (rhymes with Bach' us, with "Bach" pronounced like the composer)
35799 is what every Jewish parent wants from their children, lots of good
35800 returns, good grades, good spouse, good grandchildren.
35802 So, now that you all understand naches, the joke:
35804 Two Jewish women are sitting having coffee.
35805 "So, how's your daughter?"
35806 "Oh, Rachel! She's fine, she just married a dentist!"
35807 "Really? Isn't she the one that married the lawyer?"
35808 "Yes, that's my Rachel."
35809 "That's... that's nice. But isn't she the same one that married
35812 "But didn't she marry a bank executive before that?"
35814 "Ahhh. So much naches from one child!"
35817 When it comes to foreign food, the less authentic the better.
35820 Nadia Comaneci, simple perfection.
35824 You can make it foolproof, but you can't make it
35827 'Naomi, sex at noon taxes.' I moan.
35829 A man, a plan, a canal, Panama.
35831 Sit on a potato pan, Otis.
35832 -- The Mad Palindromist
35834 NAPOLEON: What shall we do with this soldier, Giuseppe? Everything he
35836 GIUSEPPE: Make him a general, Excellency, and then everything he says
35838 -- George Bernard Shaw, "The Man of Destiny"
35840 Narcolepulacyi, n.:
35841 The contagious action of yawning, causing everyone in sight
35843 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
35845 Nasrudin called at a large house to collect for charity. The servant
35846 said "My master is out." Nasrudin replied, "Tell your master that next
35847 time he goes out, he should not leave his face at the window. Someone
35850 Nasrudin returned to his village from the imperial capital, and the
35851 villagers gathered around to hear what had passed. "At this time,"
35852 said Nasrudin, "I only want to say that the King spoke to me." All the
35853 villagers but the stupidest ran off to spread the wonderful news. The
35854 remaining villager asked, "What did the King say to you?" "What he
35855 said -- and quite distinctly, for everyone to hear -- was `Get out of
35856 my way!'" The simpleton was overjoyed; he had heard words actually
35857 spoken by the King, and seen the very man they were spoken to.
35859 Nasrudin walked into a shop one day, and the owner came forward to
35860 serve him. Nasrudin said, "First things first. Did you see me walk
35861 into your shop?" "Of course." "Have you ever seen me before?"
35862 "Never." "Then how do you know it was me?"
35864 Nasrudin walked into a teahouse and declaimed, "The moon is more useful
35865 than the sun." "Why?", he was asked. "Because at night we need the
35868 Nasrudin was carrying home a piece of liver and the recipe for liver
35869 pie. Suddenly a bird of prey swooped down and snatched the piece of
35870 meat from his hand. As the bird flew off, Nasrudin called after it,
35871 "Foolish bird! You have the liver, but what can you do with it without
35874 National security is in your hands - guard it well.
35876 Natives who beat drums to drive off evil spirits are objects of
35877 scorn to smart Americans who blow horns to break up traffic jams.
35878 -- Mary Ellen Kelly
35880 Natural laws have no pity.
35882 Naturally the common people don't want war... but after all it is the leaders
35883 of a country who determine the policy, and it is always a simple matter to
35884 drag the people along, whether it is a democracy, or a fascist dictatorship,
35885 or a parliament, or a communist dictatorship. Voice or no voice, the people
35886 can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you
35887 have to do is tell them they are being attacked, and denounce the pacifists
35888 for lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same
35892 Nature abhors a hero. For one thing, he violates the law of
35893 conservation of energy. For another, how can it be the survival of the
35894 fittest when the fittest keeps putting himself in situations where he
35895 is most likely to be creamed?
35898 Nature abhors a virgin -- a frozen asset.
35899 -- Clare Booth Luce
35901 Nature always sides with the hidden flaw.
35903 Nature and nature's laws lay hid in night,
35904 God said, "Let Newton be," and all was light.
35906 It did not last; the devil howling "Ho!
35907 Let Einstein be!" restored the status quo.
35909 Nature has given women so much power that the law has very wisely
35911 -- Dr. Samuel Johnson
35913 Nature is by and large to be found out of doors, a location where, it
35914 cannot be argued, there are never enough comfortable chairs.
35917 Nature makes boys and girls lovely to look upon so they can be
35918 tolerated until they acquire some sense.
35921 Nature to all things fixed the limits fit,
35922 And wisely curbed proud man's pretending wit.
35923 As on the land while here the ocean gains,
35924 In other parts it leaves wide sandy plains;
35925 Thus in the soul while memory prevails,
35926 The solid power of understanding fails;
35927 Where beams of warm imagination play,
35928 The memory's soft figures melt away.
35929 -- Alexander Pope (on runtime bounds checking?)
35931 Nature, to be commanded, must be obeyed.
35934 Near the Studio Jean Cocteau
35935 On the Rue des Ecoles
35938 Every evening I would see him
35939 guiding the dog along
35940 the sidewalk, keeping
35941 a firm grip on the leash
35942 so that the dog wouldn't
35943 run into a passerby
35944 Sometimes the dog would stop
35945 and look up at the sky
35947 noticed me watching the dog
35948 and he said, "Oh, yes,
35950 when the moon is out,
35951 he can feel it on his face"
35954 Nearly all men can stand adversity, but
35955 if you want to test a man's character, give him power.
35958 Nearly every complex solution to a programming problem that I
35959 have looked at carefully has turned out to be wrong.
35962 Necessity has no law.
35965 Necessity hath no law.
35968 Necessity is a mother.
35970 "Necessity is the mother of invention" is a silly proverb. "Necessity
35971 is the mother of futile dodges" is much nearer the truth.
35972 -- Alfred North Whitehead
35974 Necessity is the plea for every infringement of human freedom.
35975 It is the argument of tyrants; it is the creed of slaves.
35976 -- William Pitt, 1783
35978 Neckties strangle clear thinking.
35981 Needs are a function of what other people have.
35983 Negative expectations yield negative results.
35984 Positive expectations yield negative results.
35986 Neglect of duty does not cease, by repetition, to be neglect of duty.
35989 Neil Armstrong tripped.
35991 Neither spread the germs of gossip nor encourage others to do so.
35993 Nemo me impune lacessit
35994 [No one provokes me with impunity]
35995 -- Motto of the Crown of Scotland
35998 Plastic pouch worn in breast pocket to keep pens from soiling
35999 clothes. Nerd's position in engineering hierarchy can be
36000 measured by number of pens, grease pencils, and rulers bristling
36004 Melancholia's blue.
36008 Neurotics build castles in the sky,
36009 Psychotics live in them,
36010 And psychiatrists collect the rent.
36012 Neutrinos are into physicists.
36014 Neutrinos have bad breadth.
36017 An explosive device of limited military value because, as
36018 it only destroys people without destroying property, it
36019 must be used in conjunction with bombs that destroy property.
36021 Never accept an invitation from a stranger unless he gives you candy.
36024 Never appeal to a man's "better nature." He may not have one.
36025 Invoking his self-interest gives you more leverage.
36028 Never argue with a fool -- people might not be able to tell the difference.
36030 Never argue with a man who buys ink by the barrel.
36032 Never argue with a woman when she's tired -- or rested.
36034 Never ask the barber if you need a haircut.
36036 Never ask two questions in a business letter. The reply will discuss
36037 the one you are least interested, and say nothing about the other.
36039 Never be afraid to tell the world who you are.
36042 Never be led astray onto the path of virtue.
36044 Never buy from a rich salesman.
36047 Never buy what you do not want
36048 because it is cheap; it will be dear to you.
36049 -- Thomas Jefferson
36051 Never call a man a fool; borrow from him.
36053 Never commit yourself! Let someone else commit you.
36055 Never count your chickens before they rip your lips off.
36057 Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.
36059 Never do today what you can put off until tomorrow.
36061 Never drink Coca-Cola in a moving elevator. The elevator's motion coupled
36062 with the chemicals in Coke produce hallucinations. People tend to change
36063 into lizards and attack without warning, and large bats usually fly in the
36064 window. (Additionally, you begin to believe that elevators have windows.)
36066 Never drink coke in a moving elevator. The elevator's motion coupled
36067 with the chemicals in coke produce hallucinations. People tend to
36068 change into lizards and attack without warning, and large bats usually
36069 fly in the window. Additionally, you begin to believe that elevators
36072 Never drink from your finger bowl -- it contains only water.
36074 Never eat anything bigger than your head.
36076 Never eat at a place called Mom's. Never play cards with a man named Doc.
36077 And never lie down with a woman who's got more troubles than you.
36078 -- Nelson Algren, "What Every Young Man Should Know"
36080 Never eat more than you can lift.
36083 Never, ever lie to someone you love unless you're
36084 absolutely sure they'll never find out the truth.
36086 Never explain. Your friends do not need it
36087 and your enemies will never believe you anyway.
36090 Never face facts; if you do you'll never get up in the morning.
36093 Never forget what a man says to you when he is angry.
36095 Never frighten a small man -- he'll kill you.
36097 Never get into fights with ugly people because they have nothing to lose.
36099 Never give an inch!
36101 Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
36104 Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
36105 -- Phyllis Diller, "Phyllis Diller's Housekeeping Hints"
36107 Never have children, only grandchildren.
36110 Never have so many understood so little about so much.
36113 Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
36115 Never insult an alligator until you've crossed the river.
36117 Never invest your money in anything that eats or needs repainting.
36120 Never keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level.
36123 Never kick a man, unless he's down.
36125 Never laugh at live dragons.
36126 -- Bilbo Baggins, "The Hobbit"
36128 Never leave anything to chance;
36129 make sure all your crimes are premeditated.
36131 Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.
36134 Never let someone who says it cannot be done
36135 interrupt the person who is doing it.
36137 Never let your schooling interfere with your education.
36139 Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right.
36140 -- Salvor Hardin, "Foundation"
36142 Never look a gift horse in the mouth.
36145 Never look up when dragons fly overhead.
36147 Never make anything simple and efficient when a way can be found to
36148 make it complex and wonderful.
36150 Never offend people with style when you can offend them with
36152 -- Sam Brown, "The Washington Post", January 26, 1977
36154 Never offend with style when you can offend with substance.
36156 Never pay a compliment as if expecting a receipt.
36158 Never play pool with anyone named "Fats".
36160 Never promise more than you can perform.
36163 Never put off till run-time what you can do at compile-time.
36166 Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid all together.
36168 Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after.
36170 Never put off until tomorrow what you can do today. There might be a
36171 law against it by that time.
36173 Never raise your hand to your children -- it leaves your midsection
36177 Never reveal your best argument.
36179 Never say "Oops" in an operating room.
36181 Never say you know a man until you have divided an inheritance with him.
36183 Never settle with words what you can accomplish with a flame thrower.
36185 Never sleep with a woman whose troubles are worse than your own.
36188 Never speak ill of yourself, your friends will always say enough on
36190 -- Charles-Maurice De Talleyrand
36192 NEVER swerve to hit a lawyer riding a bicycle -- it might be your bicycle.
36194 Never tell. Not if you love your wife ... In fact, if your old lady walks
36195 in on you, deny it. Yeah. Just flat out and she'll believe it: "I'm
36196 tellin' ya. This chick came downstairs with a sign around her neck `Lay
36197 On Top Of Me Or I'll Die'. I didn't know what I was gonna do..."
36200 Never tell a lie unless it is absolutely convenient.
36202 Never tell people how to do things. Tell them WHAT to
36203 do and they will surprise you with their ingenuity.
36204 -- Gen. George S. Patton, Jr.
36206 Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.
36209 Never trust a child farther than you can throw it.
36211 Never trust a computer you can't repair yourself.
36213 Never trust an automatic pistol or a D.A.'s deal.
36216 Never trust an operating system.
36218 Never trust anybody whose arm is bigger than your leg.
36220 Never trust anyone who says money is no object.
36222 Never try to explain computers to a layman. It's easier to explain
36224 -- Robert A. Heinlein
36226 (Note, however, that virgins tend to know a lot about computers.)
36228 Never try to outstubborn a cat.
36229 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
36231 Never try to teach a pig to sing.
36232 It wastes your time and annoys the pig.
36234 Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes.
36235 -- Dr. Warren Jackson, Director, UTCS
36237 "Never underestimate the power of a small tactical nuclear weapon."
36239 Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.
36240 -- Robert A. Heinlein
36242 Never use "etc." -- it makes people think there is more where
36243 there is not or that there is not space to list it all, etc.
36245 Never volunteer for anything.
36248 Never worry about theory as long as the machinery does what it's
36250 -- Robert A. Heinlein
36253 Different color from previous model.
36255 New crypt. See /usr/news/crypt.
36257 New England Life, of course. Why do you ask?
36259 New Hampshire law forbids you to tap your feet, nod your head, or in
36260 any way keep time to the music in a tavern, restaurant, or cafe.
36262 New members are urgently needed in the Society for Prevention of
36263 Cruelty to Yourself. Apply within.
36265 New members urgently required for SUICIDE CLUB, Watford area.
36266 -- Monty Python's Big Red Book
36269 Abortions are becoming so popular in some countries that the waiting
36270 time to get one is lengthening rapidly. Experts predict that at this
36271 rate there will soon be an up to a one year wait.
36273 New systems generate new problems.
36275 New Year's Eve is the time of year when a man most feels his age, and
36276 his wife most often reminds him to act it.
36277 -- Webster's Unafraid Dictionary
36279 New York is real. The rest is done with mirrors.
36281 New York now leads the world's great cities in the number of people around
36282 whom you shouldn't make a sudden move.
36285 New York-- to that tall skyline I come
36286 Flyin' in from London to your door
36287 New York-- lookin' down on Central Park
36288 Where they say you should not wander after dark.
36290 -- Simon and Garfunkel
36292 New York's got the ways and means;
36293 Just won't let you be.
36294 -- The Grateful Dead
36297 An "acceptable" level of unemployment means that the government
36298 economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job.
36300 Newman's Discovery:
36301 Your best dreams may not come true;
36302 fortunately, neither will your worst dreams.
36305 Today the East German pole-vault champion became the West
36306 German pole-vault champion.
36311 Rodney Fenster looked up the shaft of elevator number four at
36312 1700 N. 17th St. this morning to see if the elevator was on its way down.
36315 Newspaper editors are men who separate the wheat from the chaff, and then
36319 Newton's Fourth Law: Every action has an equal and opposite satisfaction.
36321 Newton's Little-Known Seventh Law:
36322 A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.
36324 Next Friday will not be your lucky day. As a matter of fact, you don't
36325 have a lucky day this year.
36327 Next to being shot at and missed, nothing is really quite as satisfying
36328 as an income tax refund.
36331 Nice boy, but about as sharp as a sack of wet mice.
36334 Nice guys don't finish nice.
36336 Nice guys finish last.
36339 Nice guys finish last, but we get to sleep in.
36342 Nice guys get sick.
36344 Nick the Greek's Law of Life:
36345 All things considered, life is 9 to 5 against.
36347 Nietzsche is pietzsche.
36349 Nietzsche is pietzsche, Goethe is murder.
36351 Nietzsche says that we will live the same life, over and over again.
36352 God -- I'll have to sit through the Ice Capades again.
36353 -- Woody Allen, "Hannah and Her Sisters"
36355 Nihilism should commence with oneself.
36357 Niklaus Wirth has lamented that, whereas Europeans pronounce his name
36358 correctly (Ni-klows Virt), Americans invariably mangle it into
36359 (Nick-les Worth). Which is to say that Europeans call him by name, but
36360 Americans call him by value.
36362 Nine megs for the secretaries fair,
36363 Seven megs for the hackers scarce,
36364 Five megs for the grads in smoky lairs,
36365 Three megs for system source;
36367 One disk to rule them all,
36368 One disk to bind them,
36369 One disk to hold the files
36370 And in the darkness grind 'em.
36372 Nine-track tapes and seven-track tapes
36373 And tapes without any tracks;
36374 Stretchy tapes and snarley tapes
36375 And tapes mixed up on the racks --
36376 Take hold of the tape
36377 And pull off the strip,
36378 And then you'll be sure
36379 Your tape drive will skip.
36381 -- Uncle Colonel's Cursory Rhymes
36383 Ninety percent of the politicians give the other ten percent a bad reputation.
36386 "Ninety percent of the time things turn out worse than you thought they
36387 would. The other ten percent of the time you had no right to expect
36391 Ninety-Ninety Rule of Project Schedules:
36392 The first ninety percent of the task takes ninety percent of
36393 the time, and the last ten percent takes the other ninety percent.
36395 Nirvana? That's the place where the powers that be and their friends
36399 Nitwit ideas are for emergencies. You use them when you've got nothing
36400 else to try. If they work, they go in the Book. Otherwise you follow
36401 the Book, which is largely a collection of nitwit ideas that worked.
36402 -- Larry Niven, "The Mote in God's Eye"
36404 No act of kindness, no matter how small, is ever wasted.
36407 No amount of careful planning will ever replace dumb luck.
36409 No amount of genius can overcome a preoccupation with detail.
36411 No animal should ever jump on the dining room furniture unless
36412 absolutely certain he can hold his own in conversation.
36415 No bird soars too high if he soars with his own wings.
36419 A decision which, viewed through the retrospectoscope,
36420 is "obvious" to those who failed to make it originally.
36422 No character, however upright, is a match for
36423 constantly reiterated attacks, however false.
36424 -- Alexander Hamilton
36426 No Civil War picture ever made a nickel.
36427 -- MGM executive Irving Thalberg to Louis B. Mayer about
36428 film rights to "Gone With the Wind".
36429 Cerf/Navasky, "The Experts Speak"
36431 No committee could ever come up with anything as revolutionary as a
36432 camel -- anything as practical and as perfectly designed to perform
36433 effectively under such difficult conditions.
36434 -- Laurence J. Peter
36438 No discipline is ever requisite to force attendance upon
36439 lectures which are really worth the attending.
36440 -- Adam Smith, "The Wealth of Nations"
36442 No doubt Jack the Ripper excused himself
36443 on the grounds that it was human nature.
36445 "No, `Eureka' is Greek for `This bath is too hot.'"
36448 No evil can happen to a good man.
36451 No excellent soul is exempt from a mixture of madness.
36454 No extensible language will be universal.
36457 No friendship is so cordial or so delicious as that of girl for girl;
36458 no hatred so intense or immovable as that of woman for woman.
36461 No good deed goes unpunished.
36462 -- Clare Boothe Luce
36464 No group of professionals meets except to
36465 conspire against the public at large.
36468 No guest is so welcome in a friend's house that
36469 he will not become a nuisance after three days.
36470 -- Titus Maccius Plautus
36474 No hardware designer should be allowed to produce any piece of hardware
36475 until three software guys have signed off for it.
36478 No, his mind is not for rent
36479 To any god or government.
36480 Always hopeful, yet discontent,
36481 He knows changes aren't permanent -
36484 No house is childproofed unless the little darlings are in straitjackets.
36486 No house should ever be on any hill or on anything.
36487 It should be of the hill, belonging to it.
36488 -- Frank Lloyd Wright
36490 No, I don't have a drinking problem.
36491 I drink, I get drunk, I fall down. No problem!
36493 No, I'm not interested in developing a powerful brain. All I'm after is
36494 just a mediocre brain, something like the president of American Telephone
36495 and Telegraph Company.
36496 -- Alan Turing on the possibilities of a thinking
36499 No is no negative in a woman's mouth.
36502 "No job too big; no fee too big!"
36503 -- Dr. Peter Venkman, "Ghostbusters"
36505 No line available at 300 baud.
36507 No live organism can continue for long to exist sanely under conditions of
36508 absolute reality; even larks and katydids are supposed, by some, to dream.
36509 Hill House, not sane, stood by itself against its hills, holding darkness
36510 within; it had stood so for eighty years and might stand for eighty more.
36511 Within, walls continued upright, bricks met neatly, floors were firm, and
36512 doors were sensibly shut; silence lay steadily against the wood and stone
36513 of Hill House, and whatever walked there, walked alone.
36514 -- Shirley Jackson, "The Haunting of Hill House"
36519 No man can have a reasonable opinion of women until he has long lost
36520 interest in hair restorers.
36523 No man in the world has more courage than the man who can stop after
36525 -- Channing Pollock
36527 No man is an Iland, intire of it selfe; every man is a peece of the
36528 Continent, a part of the maine; if a Clod bee washed away by the Sea,
36529 Europe is the lesse, as well as if a Promontorie were, as well as if
36530 a Mannor of thy friends or of thine owne were; any mans death diminishes
36531 me, because I am involved in Mankinde; And therefore never send to know
36532 for whom the bell tolls; It tolls for thee.
36533 -- John Donne, "No Man is an Iland"
36535 No man is an island, but some of us are long peninsulas.
36537 No man is an island if he's on at least one mailing list.
36539 No man is useless who has a friend,
36540 and if we are loved we are indispensable.
36541 -- Robert Louis Stevenson
36543 No man would listen to you talk if he didn't know it was his turn next.
36546 No man's ambition has a right to stand in
36547 the way of performing a simple act of justice.
36550 No Marxist can deny that the interests of socialism are higher
36551 than the interests of the right of nations to self-determination.
36554 No matter how celebrated the beauty of a woman, I would never spend a night
36555 with her. The only celebrity with whom I would share a night is Max Planck.
36556 But he is dead. So I live like a monk, aside from a little self gratification
36560 No matter how cynical you get, it's impossible to keep up.
36562 No matter how much you do you never do enough.
36564 No matter how old a mother is, she watches her middle-aged children for
36565 signs of improvement.
36566 -- Florida Scott-Maxwell
36568 No matter how subtle the wizard, a knife in the shoulder blades will
36569 seriously cramp his style.
36571 No matter what happens, there is always someone who knew it would.
36573 No matter what other nations may say about the United States,
36574 immigration is still the sincerest form of flattery.
36576 No matter where I go, the place is always called "here".
36578 No matter who you are, some scholar can show you
36579 the great idea you had was had by someone before you.
36581 No matther whether th' constitution follows th' flag or not,
36582 th' supreme court follows th' iliction returns.
36585 No modern woman with a grain of sense ever sends little notes to an
36586 unmarried man -- not until she is married, anyway.
36589 No, my friend, the way to have good and safe government, is not to trust it
36590 all to one, but to divide it among the many, distributing to every one exactly
36591 the functions he is competent to. It is by dividing and subdividing these
36592 republics from the national one down through all its subordinations, until it
36593 ends in the administration of every man's farm by himself; by placing under
36594 every one what his own eye may superintend, that all will be done for the best.
36595 -- Thomas Jefferson, to Joseph Cabell, 1816
36597 No one becomes depraved in a moment.
36598 -- Decimus Junius Juvenalis
36600 No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish.
36602 No one can have a higher opinion of him than I have, and I think he's a
36603 dirty little beast.
36606 No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
36607 -- Eleanor Roosevelt
36609 No one can put you down without your full cooperation.
36611 No one gets sick on Wednesdays.
36613 No one gets too old to learn a new way of being stupid.
36615 No one has a higher opinion of him than he has.
36616 -- Greg Lehey, FreeBSDcon 1999
36618 No one knows like a woman how to say
36619 things that are at once gentle and deep.
36622 No one knows what he can do till he tries.
36625 No one regards what is before his feet; we all gaze at the stars.
36628 No one so thoroughly appreciates the value of constructive criticism as the
36629 one who's giving it.
36632 NO OPIUM-SMOKING IN THE ELEVATORS
36633 -- sign in the Rand Hotel, New York, 1907
36635 No part of this message may reproduce, store itself in a retrieval
36636 system, or transmit disease, in any form, without the permissiveness of
36640 No pig should go sky diving during monsoon
36641 For this isn't really the norm.
36642 But should a fat swine try to soar like a loon,
36643 So what? Any pork in a storm.
36645 No pig should go sky diving during monsoon,
36646 It's risky enough when the weather is fine.
36647 But to have a pig soar when the monsoon doth roar
36648 Cast even more perils before swine.
36650 No plain fanfold paper could hold that fractal Puff --
36651 He grew so fast no plotting pack could shrink him far enough.
36652 Compiles and simulations grew so quickly tame
36653 And swapped out all their data space when Puff pushed his stack frame.
36655 Puff the fractal dragon was written in C,
36656 And frolicked while processes switched in mainframe memory.
36657 Puff the fractal dragon was written in C,
36658 And frolicked while processes switched in mainframe memory.
36659 Puff, he grew so quickly, while others moved like snails
36660 And mini-Puffs would perch themselves on his gigantic tail.
36661 All the student hackers loved that fractal Puff
36662 But DCS did not like Puff, and finally said, "Enough!"
36664 Puff used more resources than DCS could spare.
36665 The operator killed Puff's job -- he didn't seem to care.
36666 A gloom fell on the hackers; it seemed to be the end,
36667 But Puff trapped the exception, and grew from naught again!
36670 No poet or novelist wishes he was the only one who ever lived, but most of
36671 them wish they were the only one alive, and quite a number fondly believe
36672 their wish has been granted.
36673 -- W. H. Auden, "The Dyer's Hand"
36675 No problem is insoluble in all conceivable circumstances.
36677 No problem is so formidable that you can't just walk away from it.
36680 No problem is so large it can't be fit in somewhere.
36682 "No program is perfect,"
36683 They said with a shrug.
36684 "The customer's happy--
36685 What's one little bug?"
36687 But he was determined, Then change two, then three more,
36688 The others went home. As year followed year.
36689 He dug out the flow chart And strangers would comment,
36690 Deserted, alone. "Is that guy still here?"
36692 Night passed into morning. He died at the console
36693 The room was cluttered Of hunger and thirst
36694 With core dumps, source listings. Next day he was buried
36695 "I'm close," he muttered. Face down, nine edge first.
36697 Chain smoking, cold coffee, And his wife through her tears
36698 Logic, deduction. Accepted his fate.
36699 "I've got it!" he cried, Said "He's not really gone,
36700 "Just change one instruction." He's just working late."
36701 -- The Perfect Programmer
36703 No proper program contains an indication which as an operator-applied
36704 occurrence identifies an operator-defining occurrence which as an
36705 indication-applied occurrence identifies an indication-defining
36706 occurrence different from the one identified by the given indication as
36707 an indication-applied occurrence.
36710 No question is so difficult as one to which the answer is obvious.
36712 No rock so hard but that a little wave
36713 May beat admission in a thousand years.
36716 No self-made man ever did such a good job
36717 that some woman didn't want to make some alterations.
36720 No self-respecting fish would want to be wrapped in that kind of paper.
36721 -- Mike Royko on the Chicago Sun-Times after it was
36722 taken over by Rupert Murdoch
36724 No skis take rocks like rental skis!
36726 No small art is it to sleep: it is necessary
36727 for that purpose to keep awake all day.
36728 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
36730 No snowflake in an avalanche ever feels responsible.
36732 No sooner had Edger Allen Poe
36733 Finished his old Raven,
36734 then he started his Old Crow.
36736 No sooner said than done -- so acts your man of worth.
36739 No spitting on the Bus!
36740 Thank you, The Management.
36742 No television performance takes as much preparation as an off-the-cuff talk.
36745 No two persons ever read the same book.
36748 No use getting too involved in life --
36749 you're only here for a limited time.
36751 No woman can endure a gambling husband, unless he is a steady winner.
36752 -- Lord Thomas Dewar
36754 No woman ever falls in love with a man unless she has a better opinion of
36755 him than he deserves.
36758 No wonder Clairol makes so much money selling shampoo.
36759 Lather, Rinse, Repeat is an infinite loop!
36761 No wonder you're tired! You understood so much today.
36763 No yak too dirty; no dumpster too hollow.
36765 Nobody can be as agreeable as an uninvited guest.
36767 Nobody can be exactly like me. Sometimes even I have trouble doing it.
36768 -- Tallulah Bankhead
36770 Nobody ever died from oven crude poisoning.
36772 Nobody ever forgets where he buried the hatchet.
36775 Nobody ever ruined their eyesight by looking at the bright side of something.
36777 NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION.
36779 Nobody is one block of harmony. We are all afraid of something, or feel
36780 limited in something. We all need somebody to talk to. It would be good
36781 if we talked to each other--not just pitter-patter, but real talk. We
36782 shouldn't be so afraid, because most people really like this contact;
36783 that you show you are vulnerable makes them free to be vulnerable too.
36784 It's so much easier to be together when we drop our masks.
36787 Nobody knows the trouble I've been.
36789 Nobody knows what goes between his cold toes and his warm ears.
36793 Everybody hates me,
36794 I think I'll go out and eat worms.
36795 I'm gonna cut their heads off,
36796 Eat their insides out,
36797 And throw way the skins.
36798 Big, fat, juicy ones,
36799 Little, skinny, cute ones,
36800 Watch how they wiggle and they squirm.
36802 Nobody really knows what happiness is, until they're married.
36803 And then it's too late.
36805 Nobody said computers were going to be polite.
36808 -- Frank Gusenberg, his last words, when asked by police
36809 who had shot him 14 times with a machine gun in the Saint
36810 Valentine's Day Massacre.
36812 Only Capone kills like that.
36813 -- George "Bugs" Moran, on the Saint Valentine's Day Massacre
36815 The only man who kills like that is Bugs Moran.
36816 -- Al Capone, on the Saint Valentine's Day Massacre
36818 Nobody suffers the pain of birth or the anguish of loving a child in
36819 order for presidents to make wars, for governments to feed on the
36820 substance of their people, for insurance companies to cheat the young
36824 Nobody takes a bribe. Of course at Christmas if you happen to hold out
36825 your hat and somebody happens to put a little something in it, well, that's
36827 -- New York City Police Commissioner (Ret.) William P.
36828 O'Brien, instructions to the force.
36830 Nobody wants constructive criticism.
36831 It's all we can do to put up with constructive praise.
36833 Nobody's gonna believe that computers are intelligent until they start
36834 coming in late and lying about it.
36838 Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has
36839 merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid.
36843 A legal term meaning: "I didn't do it, judge, and I'll never do
36847 New Yorkerese for expensive.
36851 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
36853 Non-Determinism is not meant to be reasonable.
36856 Nondeterminism means never having to say you are wrong.
36858 None love the bearer of bad news.
36861 None of our men are "experts." We have most unfortunately found it necessary
36862 to get rid of a man as soon as he thinks himself an expert -- because no one
36863 ever considers himself expert if he really knows his job. A man who knows a
36864 job sees so much more to be done than he has done, that he is always pressing
36865 forward and never gives up an instant of thought to how good and how efficient
36866 he is. Thinking always ahead, thinking always of trying to do more, brings a
36867 state of mind in which nothing is impossible. The moment one gets into the
36868 "expert" state of mind a great number of things become impossible.
36869 -- From Henry Ford Sr., "My Life and Work"
36871 Non-Reciprocal Laws of Expectations:
36872 Negative expectations yield negative results.
36873 Positive expectations yield negative results.
36875 Nonsense. Space is blue and birds fly through it.
36878 Nonsense and beauty have close connections.
36881 Non-sequiturs make me eat lampshades.
36883 Noone ever built a statue to a critic.
36885 No-one would remember the Good Samaritan if he had only had good
36886 intentions. He had money as well.
36887 -- Margaret Thatcher
36889 Norbert Wiener was the subject of many dotty professor stories. Wiener was, in
36890 fact, very absent minded. The following story is told about him: when they
36891 moved from Cambridge to Newton his wife, knowing that he would be absolutely
36892 useless on the move, packed him off to MIT while she directed the move. Since
36893 she was certain that he would forget that they had moved and where they had
36894 moved to, she wrote down the new address on a piece of paper, and gave it to
36895 him. Naturally, in the course of the day, an insight occurred to him. He
36896 reached in his pocket, found a piece of paper on which he furiously scribbled
36897 some notes, thought it over, decided there was a fallacy in his idea, and
36898 threw the piece of paper away. At the end of the day he went home (to the
36899 old address in Cambridge, of course). When he got there he realized that they
36900 had moved, that he had no idea where they had moved to, and that the piece of
36901 paper with the address was long gone. Fortunately inspiration struck. There
36902 was a young girl on the street and he conceived the idea of asking her where
36903 he had moved to, saying, "Excuse me, perhaps you know me. I'm Norbert Wiener
36904 and we've just moved. Would you know where we've moved to?" To which the
36905 young girl replied, "Yes, Daddy, Mommy thought you would forget."
36906 The capper to the story is that I asked his daughter (the girl in the
36907 story) about the truth of the story, many years later. She said that it wasn't
36908 quite true -- that he never forgot who his children were! The rest of it,
36909 however, was pretty close to what actually happened...
36912 Norm: Gentlemen, start your taps.
36913 -- Cheers, The Coach's Daughter
36915 Coach: How's life treating you, Norm?
36916 Norm: Like it caught me in bed with his wife.
36917 -- Cheers, Any Friend of Diane's
36919 Coach: How's life, Norm?
36920 Norm: Not for the squeamish, Coach.
36921 -- Cheers, Friends, Romans, and Accountants
36923 Norm: Hey, everybody.
36924 All: [silence; everybody is mad at Norm for being rich.]
36925 Norm: [Carries on both sides of the conversation himself.]
36927 How are you feeling today, Norm?
36928 Rich and thirsty. Pour me a beer.
36929 -- Cheers, Tan 'n Wash
36931 Woody: What's the latest, Mr. Peterson?
36932 Norm: Zha-Zha marries a millionaire, Peterson drinks a beer.
36934 -- Cheers, Knights of the Scimitar
36936 Woody: How are you today, Mr. Peterson?
36937 Norm: Never been better, Woody. ... Just once I'd like to be better.
36938 -- Cheers, Chambers vs. Malone
36940 [Norm comes in with an attractive woman.]
36942 Coach: Normie, Normie, could this be Vera?
36943 Norm: With a lot of expensive surgery, maybe.
36944 -- Cheers, Norman's Conquest
36946 Coach: What's up, Normie?
36947 Norm: The temperature under my collar, Coach.
36948 -- Cheers, I'll Be Seeing You (Part 2)
36950 Coach: What would you say to a nice beer, Normie?
36952 -- Cheers, Diane Meets Mom
36954 [Norm goes into the bar at Vic's Bowl-A-Rama.]
36956 Off-screen crowd: Norm!
36957 Sam: How the hell do they know him here?
36958 Cliff: He's got a life, you know.
36959 -- Cheers, From Beer to Eternity
36961 Woody: What can I do for you, Mr. Peterson?
36962 Norm: Elope with my wife.
36963 -- Cheers, The Triangle
36965 Woody: How's life, Mr. Peterson?
36966 Norm: Oh, I'm waiting for the movie.
36967 -- Cheers, Take My Shirt... Please?
36971 Woody: What can I get you, Mr. Peterson?
36972 Norm: Clifford Clavin's head.
36973 -- Cheers, The Triangle
36975 Sam: Hey, what's happening, Norm?
36976 Norm: Well, it's a dog-eat-dog world, Sammy,
36977 and I'm wearing Milk-Bone underwear.
36978 -- Cheers, The Peterson Principle
36980 Sam: How's life in the fast lane, Normie?
36981 Norm: Beats me, I can't find the on-ramp.
36982 -- Cheers, Diane Chambers Day
36984 [Norm returns from the hospital.]
36986 Coach: What's up, Norm?
36987 Norm: Everything that's supposed to be.
36988 -- Cheers, Diane Meets Mom
36990 Sam: What's new, Normie?
36991 Norm: Terrorists, Sam. They've taken over my stomach.
36992 They're demanding beer.
36993 -- Cheers, The Heart is a Lonely Snipehunter
36995 Coach: What'll it be, Normie?
36996 Norm: Just the usual, Coach. I'll have a froth of beer and a snorkel.
36997 -- Cheers, King of the Hill
36999 [Norm tries to prove that he is not Anton Kreitzer.]
37000 Norm: Afternoon, everybody!
37002 -- Cheers, The Two Faces of Norm
37004 Woody: What's going on, Mr. Peterson?
37005 Norm: A flashing sign in my gut that says, `Insert beer here.'
37006 -- Cheers, Call Me, Irresponsible
37008 Sam: What can I get you, Norm?
37009 Norm: [scratching his beard] Got any flea powder? Ah, just kidding.
37010 Gimme a beer; I think I'll just drown the little suckers.
37011 -- Cheers, Two Girls for Every Boyd
37013 Normal times may possibly be over forever.
37015 Normally our rules are rigid; we tend to discretion, if for no other
37016 reason than self-protection. We never recommend any of our graduates,
37017 although we cheerfully provide information as to those who have failed
37019 -- Jack Vance, "Freitzke's Turn"
37021 Nostalgia is living life in the past lane.
37023 Nostalgia just isn't what it used to be.
37025 Not all men who drink are poets.
37026 Some of us drink because we aren't poets.
37028 Not all who own a harp are harpers.
37029 -- Marcus Terentius Varro
37031 Not drinking, chasing women, or doing drugs won't
37032 make you live longer -- it just seems that way.
37034 Not every problem someone has with his girlfriend is necessarily due to
37035 the capitalist mode of production.
37038 Not every question deserves an answer.
37040 Not everything worth doing is worth doing well.
37042 Not far from here, by a white sun, behind a green star, lived the
37043 Steelypips, illustrious, industrious, and they hadn't a care: no spats
37044 in their vats, no rules, no schools, no gloom, no evil influence of the
37045 moon, no trouble from matter or antimatter -- for they had a machine, a
37046 dream of a machine, with springs and gears and perfect in every
37047 respect. And they lived with it, and on it, and under it, and inside
37048 it, for it was all they had -- first they saved up all their atoms,
37049 then they put them all together, and if one didn't fit, why they
37050 chipped at it a bit, and everything was just fine ...
37051 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
37053 Not Hercules could have knock'd out his brains, for he had none.
37054 -- William Shakespeare
37056 Not only is this incomprehensible, but the ink is
37057 ugly and the paper is from the wrong kind of tree.
37058 -- Professor W., EECS, George Washington University
37060 I'm looking forward to working with you on this next year.
37061 -- Professor, Harvard, on a senior thesis
37063 Not only is UNIX dead, it's starting to smell really bad.
37066 Not that we needed all that stuff, but when you get locked into a
37067 serious drug collection the tendency is to push it as far as you can.
37068 -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas"
37070 Not to laugh, not to lament, not to curse, but to understand.
37073 NOTE: No warranties, either express or implied, are hereby given.
37074 All software is supplied as is, without guarantee. The user assumes
37075 all responsibility for damages resulting from the use of these
37076 features, including, but not limited to, frustration, disgust, system
37077 abends, disk head-crashes, general malfeasance, floods, fires, shark
37078 attack, nerve gas, locust infestation, cyclones, hurricanes, tsunamis,
37079 local electromagnetic disruptions, hydraulic brake system failure,
37080 invasion, hashing collisions, normal wear and tear of friction
37081 surfaces, comic radiation, inadvertent destruction of sensitive
37082 electronic components, windstorms, the Riders of Nazgul, infuriated
37083 chickens, malfunctioning mechanical or electrical sexual devices,
37084 premature activation of the distant early warning system, peasant
37085 uprisings, halitosis, artillery bombardment, explosions, cave-ins,
37086 and/or frogs falling from the sky.
37088 Note to myself: use real bullets next time.
37090 Notes for a ballet, "The Spell": ... Suddenly Sigmund hears the flutter
37091 of wings, and a group of wild swans flies across the moon ... Sigmund
37092 is astounded to see that their leader is part swan and part woman --
37093 unfortunately, divided lengthwise. She enchants Sigmund, who is
37094 careful not to make any poultry jokes ...
37097 Nothing astonishes men so much as common sense and plain dealing.
37098 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
37100 Nothing can be done in one trip.
37103 Nothing cures insomnia like the realization that it's time to get up.
37105 Nothing endures but change.
37107 [Yeah, yeah, "Everything changes but change itself." --JFK Ed.]
37109 Nothing ever becomes real till it is experienced -- even a
37110 proverb is no proverb to you till your life has illustrated it.
37113 Nothing in life is so exhilarating as to be shot at without result.
37114 -- Winston Churchill
37116 Next to being shot at and missed, nothing is really quite as
37117 satisfying as an income tax refund.
37120 Nothing in life is to be feared. It is only to be understood.
37122 Nothing increases your golf score like witnesses.
37124 Nothing is as simple as it seems at first
37125 Or as hopeless as it seems in the middle
37126 Or as finished as it seems in the end.
37128 Nothing is but what is not.
37130 Nothing is ever a total loss; it can always serve as a bad example.
37132 Nothing is faster than the speed of light ...
37134 To prove this to yourself, try opening the refrigerator door before the
37137 Nothing is finished until the paperwork is done.
37139 Nothing is illegal if one hundred businessmen decide to do it.
37142 Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.
37145 Nothing is more admirable than the fortitude with which millionaires
37146 tolerate the disadvantages of their wealth.
37149 Nothing is more quiet than the sound of hair going grey.
37151 Nothing is rich but the inexhaustible wealth of nature.
37152 She shows us only surfaces, but she is a million fathoms deep.
37153 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
37155 Nothing is so firmly believed as that which we least know.
37156 -- Michel de Montaigne
37158 Nothing is so often irretrievably missed as a daily opportunity.
37159 -- Ebner-Eschenbach
37161 Nothing lasts forever.
37162 Where do I find nothing?
37164 Nothing makes a person more productive than the last minute.
37166 Nothing makes one so vain as being told that one is a sinner.
37167 Conscience makes egotists of us all.
37170 Nothing matters very much, and few things matter at all.
37173 Nothing motivates a man more than to
37174 see his boss put in an honest day's work.
37176 Nothing, nothing, nothing, no error, no crime is so absolutely
37177 repugnant to God as everything which is official; and why? because
37178 the official is so impersonal and therefore the deepest insult
37179 which can be offered to a personality.
37180 -- S. A. Kierkegaard
37182 Nothing recedes like success.
37185 Nothing shortens a journey so pleasantly as an account of misfortunes at
37186 which the hearer is permitted to laugh.
37189 Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits.
37192 Nothing succeeds like success.
37195 Nothing succeeds like the appearance of success.
37196 -- Christopher Lascl
37198 Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love.
37201 Nothing that's forced can ever be right,
37202 If it doesn't come naturally, leave it.
37203 That's what she said as she turned out the light,
37204 And we bent our backs as slaves of the night,
37205 Then she lowered her guard and showed me the scars
37206 She got from trying to fight
37207 Saying, oh, you'd better believe it.
37209 Well nothing that's real is ever for free
37210 And you just have to pay for it sometime.
37211 She said it before, she said it to me,
37212 I suppose she believed there was nothing to see,
37213 But the same old four imaginary walls
37214 She'd built for livin' inside
37215 I said oh, you just can't mean it.
37217 Well nothing that's forced can ever be right,
37218 If it doesn't come naturally, leave it.
37219 That's what she said as she turned out the light,
37220 And she may have been wrong, and she may have been right,
37221 But I woke with the frost, and noticed she'd lost
37222 The veil that covered her eyes,
37223 I said oh, you can leave it.
37224 -- Al Stewart, "If It Doesn't Come Naturally, Leave It"
37226 Nothing will dispel enthusiasm like a small admission fee.
37229 Nothing will ever be attempted
37230 if all possible objections must be first overcome.
37234 Anyone seen smoking will be assumed to be on fire and will
37235 be summarily put out.
37239 -- THE ELEVATORS WILL BE OUT OF ORDER TODAY --
37241 (The nearest working elevator is in the building across the street.)
37243 Nouvelle cuisine, n:
37244 French for "not enough food".
37246 Continental breakfast, n:
37247 English for "not enough food".
37250 Spanish for "not enough food".
37253 Chinese for more food than you've ever seen in your entire life.
37256 The eleventh twelfth of a weariness.
37257 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
37259 Novinson's Revolutionary Discovery:
37261 When comes the revolution, things will be different --
37262 not better, just different.
37264 Now and then an innocent person is sent to the legislature.
37266 Now hatred is by far the longest pleasure;
37267 Men love in haste, but they detest at leisure.
37268 -- George Gordon, Lord Byron, "Don Juan"
37270 Now I lay me back to sleep.
37271 The speaker's dull; the subject's deep.
37272 If he should stop before I wake,
37273 Give me a nudge for goodness' sake.
37276 Now I lay me down to sleep
37277 I pray the double lock will keep;
37278 May no brick through the window break,
37279 And, no one rob me till I awake.
37281 Now I lay me down to sleep,
37282 I pray the Lord my soul to keep,
37283 If I should die before I wake,
37284 I'll cry in anguish, "Mistake!! Mistake!!"
37286 Now I lay me down to study,
37287 I pray the Lord I won't go nutty.
37288 And if I fail to learn this junk,
37289 I pray the Lord that I won't flunk.
37290 But if I do, don't pity me at all,
37291 Just lay my bones in the study hall.
37292 Tell my teacher I've done my best,
37293 Then pile my books upon my chest.
37295 Now is the time for all good men to come to.
37298 Now is the time for drinking;
37299 now the time to beat the earth with unfettered foot.
37300 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
37302 Now it's time to say goodbye
37303 To all our company...
37304 M-I-C (see you next week!)
37305 K-E-Y (Why? Because we LIKE you!)
37308 Now of my threescore years and ten,
37309 Twenty will not come again,
37310 And take from seventy springs a score,
37311 It leaves me only fifty more.
37313 And since to look at things in bloom
37314 Fifty springs are little room,
37315 About the woodlands I will go
37316 To see the cherry hung with snow.
37319 Now that day wearies me,
37321 Will receive more kindly,
37322 Like a tired child, the starry night.
37324 Hands, leave off your deeds,
37325 Mind, forget all thoughts;
37327 Yearn only to sink into sleep.
37329 And my soul, unguarded,
37330 Would soar on widespread wings,
37331 To live in night's magical sphere
37332 More profoundly, more variously.
37333 -- Hermann Hesse, "Going to Sleep"
37335 Now that you've read Fortune's diet truths, you'll be prepared the next
37336 time some housewife or boutique-owner-turned-diet-expert appears on TV
37337 to plug her latest book. And, if you still feel a twinge of guilt for
37338 eating coffee cake while listening to her exhortations, ask yourself
37339 the following questions:
37341 (1) Do I dare trust a person who actually considers alfalfa sprouts a
37343 (2) Was the author's sole motive in writing this book to get rich
37344 exploiting the forlorn hopes of chubby people like me?
37345 (3) Would a longer life be worthwhile if it had to be lived as
37346 prescribed ... without French-fried onion rings, pizza with
37347 double cheese, or the occasional Mai-Tai? (Remember, living
37348 right doesn't really make you live longer, it just *seems* like
37351 That, and another piece of coffee cake, should do the trick.
37353 "Now the Lord God planted a garden East of Whittier in a place called
37354 Yorba Linda, and out of the ground he made to grow orange trees that
37355 were good for food and the fruits thereof he labeled SUNKIST ..."
37356 -- "The Begatting of a President"
37358 Now there's a violent movie titled, "The Croquet Homicide,"
37359 or "Murder With Mallets Aforethought."
37360 -- Shelby Friedman, WSJ.
37362 Now there's three things you can do in a baseball game:
37363 you can win or you can lose or it can rain.
37366 "Now this is a totally brain damaged algorithm. Gag me with a
37368 -- P. Buhr, Computer Science 354
37370 Now you're ready for the actual shopping. Your goal should be to get it
37371 over with as quickly as possible, because the longer you stay in the mall,
37372 the longer your children will have to listen to holiday songs on the mall
37373 public-address system, and many of these songs can damage children
37374 emotionally. For example: "Frosty the Snowman" is about a snowman who
37375 befriends some children, plays with them until they learn to love him, then
37376 melts. And "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" is about a young reindeer who,
37377 because of a physical deformity, is treated as an outcast by the other
37378 reindeer. Then along comes good, old Santa. Does he ignore the deformity?
37379 Does he look past Rudolph's nose and respect Rudolph for the sensitive
37380 reindeer he is underneath? No. Santa asks Rudolph to guide his sleigh, as
37381 if Rudolph were nothing more than some kind of headlight with legs and a
37382 tail. So unless you want your children exposed to this kind of insensitivity,
37383 you should shop quickly.
37387 He who hesitates is not only lost, but several miles from
37388 the next freeway exit.
37390 Now's the time to have some big ideas
37391 Now's the time to make some firm decisions
37392 We saw the Buddha in a bar down south
37393 Talking politics and nuclear fission
37394 We see him and he's all washed up --
37395 Moving on into the body of a beetle
37396 Getting ready for a long long crawl
37397 He ain't nothing -- he ain't nothing at all...
37399 Death and Money make their point once more
37400 In the shape of Philosophical assassins
37401 Mark and Danny take the bus uptown
37402 Deadly angels for reality and passion
37403 Have the courage of the here and now
37404 Don't taking nothing from the half-baked buddhas
37405 When you think you got it paid in full
37406 You got nothing -- you got nothing at all...
37407 We're on the road and we're gunning for the Buddha.
37408 We know his name and he mustn't get away.
37409 We're on the road and we're gunning for the Buddha.
37410 It would take one shot -- to blow him away...
37411 -- Shriekback, "Gunning for the Buddha"
37413 Nuclear powered vacuum cleaners will probably be a reality within 10 years.
37414 -- Alex Lewyt (President of the Lewyt Corporation,
37415 manufacturers of vacuum cleaners), quoted in The New York
37416 Times, June 10, 1955.
37418 [Nuclear war] ... may not be desirable.
37421 "Nuclear war can ruin your whole compile."
37424 "Nuclear war would mean abolition of most comforts, and disruption of
37425 normal routines, for children and adults alike."
37426 -- Willard F. Libby, "You *Can* Survive Atomic Attack"
37428 "Nuclear war would really set back cable."
37431 Nudists are people who wear one-button suits.
37433 Nuke the unborn gay female whales for Jesus.
37435 Nuke them till they glow, then shoot them in the dark.
37437 (null cookie; hope that's ok)
37439 Nullum magnum ingenium sine mixtura dementiae fuit.
37442 Numeric stability is probably not all that important when you're
37445 Nurse Donna: Oh, Groucho, I'm afraid I'm gonna wind up an old maid.
37446 Groucho: Well, bring her in and we'll wind her up together.
37447 Nurse Donna: Do you believe in computer dating?
37448 Groucho: Only if the computers really love each other.
37451 The more pretentious the corporate name, the smaller the
37452 organization. (For instance, the Murphy Center for the
37453 Codification of Human and Organizational Law, contrasted
37454 to IBM, GM, and AT&T.)
37456 O! If I were a fish
37457 I'd lay hap'ly on my dish.
37458 Yes, that's my one and only wish --
37461 For fish don't ever mish;
37462 They needn't flush after they pish!
37463 Yes, and life's just swish, swish, swish,
37464 For all the fish!!!
37467 Where the buffalo roam,
37468 Where the deer and the antelope play,
37469 Where seldom is heard
37470 A discouraging word,
37471 'Cause what can an antelope say?
37473 O imitators, you slavish herd!
37474 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
37477 To have a giant's strength; but it is tyrannous
37478 To use it like a giant.
37479 -- William Shakespeare, "Measure for Measure", II, 2
37481 O Lord, grant that we may always be right,
37482 for Thou knowest we will never change our minds.
37484 O love, could thou and I with fate conspire
37485 To grasp this sorry scheme of things entire,
37486 Might we not smash it to bits
37487 And mould it closer to our hearts' desire?
37488 -- Omar Khayyam, tr. Fitzgerald
37492 Objects are lost only because people
37493 look where they are not rather than where they are.
37496 Everything is always done for the wrong reasons.
37498 O'Brien held up his left hand, its back toward Winston, with the
37499 thumb hidden and the four fingers extended.
37500 "How many fingers am I holding up, Winston?"
37502 "And if the Party says that it is not four but five --
37505 The word ended in a gasp of pain.
37508 Observe yon plumed biped fine.
37509 To activate its captivation,
37510 Deposit on its termination,
37511 A quantity of particles saline.
37513 Obstacles are what you see when you take your eyes off your goal.
37515 "Obviously, a major malfunction has occurred."
37516 -- Steve Nesbitt, voice of Mission Control, January 28,
37517 1986, as the shuttle Challenger exploded within view
37518 of the grandstands.
37520 Obviously the only rational solution to your problem is suicide.
37523 The philosophical principle that even the simplest
37524 solution is bound to have something wrong with it.
37527 The part of the world lying west (or east) of the Orient. It is
37528 largely inhabited by Christians, powerful sub-tribe of the
37529 Hypocrites, whose principal industries are murder and cheating,
37530 which they are pleased to call "war" and "commerce." These, also,
37531 are the principal industries of the Orient.
37532 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
37535 A body of water occupying about two-thirds
37536 of a world made for man -- who has no gills.
37538 Odets, where is thy sting?
37539 -- George S. Kaufman
37541 Of all forms of caution, caution in love is the most fatal.
37543 Of all men's miseries, the bitterest is this:
37544 to know so much and have control over nothing.
37547 Of all possible committee reactions to any given agenda item, the
37548 reaction that will occur is the one which will liberate the greatest
37550 -- Thomas L. Martin
37552 Of all the animals, the boy is the most unmanageable.
37555 Of all the words of witch's doom
37556 There's none so bad as which and whom.
37557 The man who kills both which and whom
37558 Will be enshrined in our Who's Whom.
37561 Of all things man is the measure.
37564 Of course a platonic relationship is possible -- but only between
37567 Of course it's possible to love a human being
37568 if you don't know them too well.
37569 -- Charles Bukowski
37571 "Of ______
\b\b\b\b\b\bcourse it's the murder weapon. Who would frame someone with a
37574 "Of course power tools and alcohol don't mix. Everyone knows power
37575 tools aren't soluble in alcohol ..."
37578 Of course there's no reason for it, it's just our policy.
37580 Of course you can't flap your arms and fly to the moon.
37581 After awhile you'd run out of air to push against.
37583 Of course you have a purpose -- to find a purpose.
37585 Of what you see in books, believe 75%. Of newspapers, believe 50%.
37586 And of TV news, believe 25% -- make that 5% if the anchorman wears a
37589 Office Automation, n.:
37590 The use of computers to improve efficiency in the office
37591 by removing anyone you would want to talk with over coffee.
37593 Official Project Stages:
37594 1. Uncritical Acceptance
37596 3. Dejected Disillusionment
37598 5. Search for the Guilty
37599 6. Punishment of the Innocent
37600 7. Promotion of the Non-participants
37602 Often statistics are used as a drunken man uses
37603 lampposts -- for support rather than illumination.
37605 Often things ARE as bad as they seem!
37608 The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch
37611 Oh, Aunty Em, it's so good to be home!
37613 Oh, by the way, which one's Pink?
37616 Oh Dad! We're ALL Devo!
37618 Oh don't the days seem lank and long
37619 When all goes right and none goes wrong,
37620 And isn't your life extremely flat
37621 With nothing whatever to grumble at!
37623 Oh Father, my Father, Oh what must I do?
37624 They're burning our streets and beating me blue.
37625 "Listen my son, I'll tell you the truth:
37626 Get a close haircut and spit-shine your shoes."
37628 Oh Mother, my Mother, my confusions remove,
37629 I long to embrace her whose hair is so smooth.
37630 "Now listen my son, although you're confused,
37631 Cut your hair close and shine all your shoes."
37633 Oh Teacher, my Teacher, your life with me share.
37634 What books ought I read? What thoughts do I dare?
37635 "Oh Student, my Student, of dissent you beware.
37636 Shine those dull shoes and cut short your hair."
37638 Oh Preacher, my Preacher, does God really care?
37639 Are all races equal? Are laws just and fair?
37640 "Boy -- here's the answer, no need to despair:
37641 Shine those new shoes and cut short that hair."
37643 Oh freddled gruntbuggly, thy micturations are to me
37644 As plurdled gabbleblotchits on a lurgid bee.
37645 Groop I implore thee, my foonting turlingdromes,
37646 And hooptiously drangle me with crinkly bindlewurdles,
37647 Or I will rend thee in the goblerwarts with my blurglecruncheon,
37649 -- Prostetnic Vogon Jeltz
37651 Oh, give me a home,
37652 Where the buffalo roam,
37653 And I'll show you a house with a really messy kitchen.
37655 Oh, give me a locus where the gravitons focus
37656 Where the three-body problem is solved,
37657 Where the microwaves play down at three degrees K,
37658 And the cold virus never evolved. (chorus)
37659 We eat algae pie, our vacuum is high,
37660 Our ball bearings are perfectly round.
37661 Our horizon is curved, our warheads are MIRVed,
37662 And a kilogram weighs half a pound. (chorus)
37663 If we run out of space for our burgeoning race
37664 No more Lebensraum left for the Mensch
37665 When we're ready to start, we can take Mars apart,
37666 If we just find a big enough wrench. (chorus)
37667 I'm sick of this place, it's just McDonald's in space,
37668 And living up here is a bore.
37669 Tell the shiggies, "Don't cry," they can kiss me goodbye
37670 'Cause I'm moving next week to L4! (chorus)
37672 CHORUS: Home, home on LaGrange,
37673 Where the space debris always collects,
37674 We possess, so it seems, two of Man's greatest dreams:
37675 Solar power and zero-gee sex.
37676 -- to Home on the Range
37678 Oh give me your pity!
37679 I'm on a committee, We attend and amend
37680 Which means that from morning And contend and defend
37681 to night, Without a conclusion in sight.
37683 We confer and concur,
37684 We defer and demur, We revise the agenda
37685 And reiterate all of our thoughts. With frequent addenda
37686 And consider a load of reports.
37688 We compose and propose,
37689 We suppose and oppose, But though various notions
37690 And the points of procedure are fun; Are brought up as motions,
37691 There's terribly little gets done.
37693 We resolve and absolve;
37694 But we never dissolve,
37695 Since it's out of the question for us
37696 To bring our committee
37697 To end like this ditty,
37698 Which stops with a period, thus.
37699 -- Leslie Lipson, "The Committee"
37701 "Oh, he [a big dog] hunts with papa," she said. "He says Don Carlos [the
37702 dog] is good for almost every kind of game. He went duck hunting one time
37703 and did real well at it. Then Papa bought some ducks, not wild ducks but,
37704 you know, farm ducks. And it got Don Carlos all mixed up. Since the
37705 ducks were always around the yard with nobody shooting at them he knew he
37706 wasn't supposed to kill them, but he had to do something. So one morning
37707 last spring, when the ground was still soft, he took all the ducks and
37708 buried them." "What do you mean, buried them?" "Oh, he didn't hurt them.
37709 He dug little holes all over the yard and picked up the ducks in his mouth
37710 and put them in the holes. Then he covered them up with mud except for
37711 their heads. He did thirteen ducks that way and was digging a hole for
37712 another one when Tony found him. We talked about it for a long time. Papa
37713 said Don Carlos was afraid the ducks might run away, and since he didn't
37714 know how to build a cage he put them in holes. He's a smart dog."
37715 -- R. Bradford, "Red Sky At Morning"
37717 Oh, I am a C programmer and I'm okay
37718 I muck with indices and structs all day
37719 And when it works, I shout hoo-ray
37720 Oh, I am a C programmer and I'm okay
37722 Oh, I am just a typical American boy
37723 From a typical American town.
37724 I believe in God and Senator Dodd
37725 And keeping old Castro down.
37726 And when it came my time to serve
37727 I knew better dead than red,
37728 But when I got to my old draft board,
37729 Buddy this is what I said:
37731 Sarge I'm only 18, I got a ruptured spleen
37732 And I always carry a purse;
37733 I got eyes like a bat and my feet are flat
37734 And my asthma's getting worse.
37735 Yes, think of my career and my sweetheart dear
37736 And my poor old invalid aunt;
37737 Besides I ain't no fool I'm going to school
37738 And I'm working in a defense plant.
37739 -- Phil Ochs, "Draft Dodger Rag"
37741 Oh, I could while away the hours,
37742 Smoking herbs and flowers,
37743 Shooting up my veins,
37744 De-dum, De-dum, De-dum
37745 Tell you, I've been a-thinkin'
37746 I could drive a shiny Lincoln,
37747 If I dealt in good cocaine.
37748 -- To `If I Only Had A Brain' from "The Wizard of Oz"
37750 Oh, I don't blame Congress. If I had $600 billion at my disposal, I'd
37751 be irresponsible, too.
37754 Oh, I have slipped the surly bonds of earth,
37755 And danced the skies on laughter silvered wings;
37756 Sunward I've climbed and joined the tumbling mirth
37757 Of sun-split clouds and done a hundred things
37758 You have not dreamed of --
37759 Wheeled and soared and swung
37760 High in the sunlit silence.
37762 I've chased the shouting wind along and flung
37763 My eager craft through footless halls of air.
37764 Up, up along delirious, burning blue
37765 I've topped the wind-swept heights with easy grace,
37766 Where never lark, or even eagle flew;
37767 And, while with silent, lifting mind I've trod
37768 The high untrespassed sanctity of space,
37769 Put out my hand, and touched the face of God.
37770 -- John Gillespie Magee Jr., "High Flight"
37772 Oh I'm just a typical American boy
37773 From a typical American town.
37774 I believe in God and Senator Dodd
37775 And keeping old Castro down.
37776 And when it came my time to serve
37777 I knew "Better Dead Than Red",
37778 But when I got to my old draft board,
37779 Buddy, this is what I said:
37782 Sarge, I'm only eighteen, I've got a ruptured spleen,
37783 And I always carry a purse!
37784 I've got eyes like a bat and my feet are flat,
37785 And my asthma's getting worse!
37786 Yes, think of my career and my sweetheart dear,
37787 And my poor old invalid aunt!
37788 Besides I ain't no fool, I'm a-going to school
37789 And I'm a-working in a defense plant!
37790 -- Phil Ochs, "Draft Dodger Rag"
37792 Oh Lord, won't you buy me a 4BSD?
37793 My friends all got sources, so why can't I see?
37794 Come all you moby hackers, come sing it out with me:
37795 To hell with the lawyers from AT&T!
37797 Oh, love is real enough, you will find it some day, but it has one
37798 arch-enemy -- and that is life.
37799 -- Jean Anouilh, "Ardele"
37801 Oh, my friend, it is not what they take away from you that counts --
37802 it's what you do with what you have left.
37803 -- Hubert H. Humphrey
37805 Oh, so there you are!
37807 Oh, the Slithery Dee, he crawled out of the sea.
37808 He may catch all the others, but he won't catch me.
37809 No, he won't catch me, stupid ol' Slithery Dee.
37810 He may catch all the others, but AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!!!!
37811 -- The Smothers Brothers
37813 Oh this age! How tasteless and ill-bred it is.
37814 -- Gaius Valerius Catullus
37816 Oh wearisome condition of humanity!
37817 Born under one law, to another bound.
37818 -- Fulke Greville, Lord Brooke
37820 Oh, well, I guess this is just going to be one of those lifetimes.
37822 Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive.
37823 -- William Shakespeare
37825 Oh, when I was in love with you,
37826 Then I was clean and brave,
37827 And miles around the wonder grew
37828 How well did I behave.
37830 And now the fancy passes by,
37831 And nothing will remain,
37832 And miles around they'll say that I
37833 Am quite myself again.
37836 Oh, wow! Look at the moon!
37838 Oh, ya doesn't have ta call me 'Johnson'! Well, you can call me 'Ray', or
37839 you can call me 'Jay', or you can call me 'R. J.', or you can call me 'Ray
37840 J.', or you can call me 'R. J. J.', or you can call me 'Ray J. Johnson', or
37841 you can call me 'R. J. Johnson', but ya DOESN'T have to call me 'Johnson'...
37843 Oh yeah? Well, I remember when sex was dirty and the air was clean.
37845 Oh, yeah, life goes on, long after the thrill of livin' is gone.
37846 -- John Cougar, "Jack and Diane"
37850 "OK, now let's look at four dimensions on the blackboard."
37853 OK, so you're a Ph.D. Just don't touch anything.
37855 Okay, Okay -- I admit it. You didn't change that program that worked
37856 just a little while ago; I inserted some random characters into the
37857 executable. Please forgive me. You can recover the file by typing in
37858 the code over again, since I also removed the source.
37860 Old age and treachery will overcome youth and skill.
37862 Old age is always fifteen years old than I am.
37865 Old age is the harbor of all ills.
37868 Old age is the most unexpected of things that can happen to a man.
37871 Old age is too high a price to pay for maturity.
37873 Old Grandad is dead but his spirits live on.
37875 Old Japanese proverb:
37876 There are two kinds of fools -- those who never climb Mt. Fuji,
37877 and those who climb it twice.
37879 Old MacDonald had an agricultural real estate tax abatement.
37881 Old mail has arrived.
37883 Old men are fond of giving good advice to console
37884 themselves for their inability to set a bad example.
37885 -- La Rochefoucauld, "Maxims"
37887 Old Mother Hubbard went to the cupboard
37888 To fetch her poor daughter a dress.
37889 When she got there, the cupboard was bare
37890 And so was her daughter, I guess...
37892 Old musicians never die, they just decompose.
37894 Old programmers never die. They just branch to a new address.
37896 Old programmers never die, they just become managers.
37898 Old programmers never die, they just hit account block limit.
37900 Old soldiers never die. Young ones do.
37903 One who remembers when charity was a virtue and not an organization.
37906 Experience is something you don't get until just after you need
37909 omnibiblious, adj.:
37910 Indifferent to type of drink. Ex: "Oh, you can get me anything.
37913 OMNIVERSAL AWARENESS?? Oh, YEH!! First you need four GALLONS of
37914 JELL-O and a BIG WRENCH!! ... I think you drop th' WRENCH in the JELL-O
37915 as if it was a FLAVOR, or an INGREDIENT ... or ... I ... um ...
37916 WHERE'S the WASHING MACHINES?
37918 On a clear day, U.C.L.A.
37920 On a clear disk you can seek forever.
37923 On a paper submitted by a physicist colleague:
37925 "This isn't right. This isn't even wrong."
37928 On a tous un peu peur de l'amour, mais on
37929 a surtout peur de souffrir ou de faire souffrir.
37931 [One is always a little afraid of love, but
37932 above all, one is afraid of pain or causing pain.]
37935 A dwarf is small, even if he stands on a mountain top;
37936 a colossus keeps his height, even if he stands in a well.
37937 -- Lucius Annaeus Seneca, 4BC - 65AD
37939 On account of being a democracy and run by the people, we are the only
37940 nation in the world that has to keep a government four years, no matter
37944 On his way back from work, a driver came upon a horrible wreck in which one
37945 car looked exactly like his neighbor's. Stopping hurriedly on the side of
37946 the road, he ran toward the smoldering debris.
37947 "Listen, mister," a policeman said, holding him back, "I can't let
37948 you come any closer."
37949 "But that may be my friend, Henry, in there," the anguished man
37951 "OK, but it's pretty grisly," the cop cautioned. "There was a
37953 The policeman reached into the back seat of the demolished car and
37954 pulled forth the head, holding it at arm's length. "Is this your friend?"
37955 "That's not him -- thank heavens," the man said. "Henry's much
37958 On Monday mornings I am dedicated to the proposition that all men are
37960 -- H. Allen Smith, "Let the Crabgrass Grow"
37962 On Thanksgiving Day all over America, families sit down to dinner at the
37963 same moment -- halftime.
37965 On the eighth day, God created FORTRAN.
37967 On the night before her family moved from Kansas to California, the little
37968 girl knelt by her bed to say her prayers. "God bless Mommy and Daddy and
37969 Keith and Kim," she said. As she began to get up, she quickly added, "Oh,
37970 and God, this is goodbye. We're moving to Hollywood."
37972 On the road, ZIPPY is a pinhead without a purpose, but never without a
37975 On the subject of C program indentation:
37977 "In My Egotistical Opinion, most people's C programs should be
37978 indented six feet downward and covered with dirt."
37979 -- Blair P. Houghton
37981 On the whole, I'd rather be in Philadelphia.
37982 -- W. C. Fields' epitaph
37984 "On two occasions I have been asked [by members of Parliament!], `Pray,
37985 Mr. Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right
37986 answers come out?' I am not able rightly to apprehend the kind of
37987 confusion of ideas that could provoke such a question."
37990 Once ... in the wilds of Afghanistan, I lost my corkscrew, and we were
37991 forced to live on nothing but food and water for days.
37992 -- W. C. Fields, "My Little Chickadee"
37994 Once a word has been allowed to escape, it cannot be recalled.
37995 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
37999 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
38001 Once again dread deed is done.
38003 his all-knowing eye shaded
38004 to human chance and circumstance.
38005 Peace reigns anew o'er Pine Valley,
38006 but Canon's sleep is troubled.
38008 Beware, scant days past the Ides of July.
38009 Impatient hands wait eagerly
38011 scant moments of time
38012 wrested from life in the full
38013 glory of Canon's power;
38014 held captive by his unblinking eye.
38016 Three golden orbs stand watch;
38017 one each to toll the day, hour, minute
38018 until predestiny decrees his reawakening.
38019 When that feared moment arrives,
38020 "Ask not for whom the bell tolls,
38021 It tolls for thee."
38022 -- "I extended the loan on your Camera, at the Pine
38023 Valley Pawn Shop today"
38025 Once Again From the Top
38027 Correction notice in the Miami Herald: "Last Sunday, The Herald erroneously
38028 reported that original Dolphin Johnny Holmes had been an insurance salesman
38029 in Raleigh, North Carolina, that he had won the New York lottery in 1982 and
38030 lost the money in a land swindle, that he had been charged with vehicular
38031 homicide, but acquitted because his mother said she drove the car, and that
38032 he stated that the funniest thing he ever saw was Flipper spouting water on
38033 George Wilson. Each of these items was erroneous material published
38034 inadvertently. He was not an insurance salesman in Raleigh, did not win the
38035 lottery, neither he nor his mother was charged or involved in any way with
38036 vehicular homicide, and he made no comment about Flipper or George Wilson.
38037 The Herald regrets the errors."
38038 -- "The Progressive", March, 1987
38040 Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that
38041 each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his
38044 In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians
38045 called it "Christmas" and went to church; the Jews called it "Hanukkah"
38046 and went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People
38047 passing each other on the street would say "Merry Christmas!" or "Happy
38048 Hanukkah!" or (to the atheists) "Look out for the wall!"
38049 -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
38051 Once at a social gathering, Gladstone said to Disraeli, "I predict,
38052 Sir, that you will die either by hanging or of some vile disease".
38053 Disraeli replied, "That all depends upon whether I embrace your
38054 principals or your mistress".
38056 Once harm has been done, even a fool understands it.
38059 Once he had one leg in the White House and the nation trembled under his
38060 roars. Now he is a tinpot pope in the Coca-Cola belt and a brother to the
38061 forlorn pastors who belabor halfwits in galvanized iron tabernacles behind
38062 the railroad yards."
38063 -- H. L. Mencken, writing of William Jennings Bryan,
38064 counsel for the supporters of Tennessee's anti-evolution
38065 law at the Scopes "Monkey Trial" in 1925.
38067 Once I finally figured out all of life's
38068 answers, they changed the questions.
38070 Once, I read that a man be never stronger
38071 than when he truly realizes how weak he is.
38072 -- Jim Starlin, "Captain Marvel #31"
38074 Once is happenstance,
38075 Twice is coincidence,
38076 Three times is enemy action.
38077 -- Auric Goldfinger
38079 Once it hits the fan, the only rational choice is to
38080 sweep it up, package it, and sell it as fertilizer.
38082 Once Law was sitting on the bench
38083 And Mercy knelt a-weeping.
38084 "Clear out!" he cried, "disordered wench!
38085 Nor come before me creeping.
38086 Upon your knees if you appear,
38087 'Tis plain you have no standing here."
38089 Then Justice came. His Honor cried:
38090 "YOUR states? -- Devil seize you!"
38091 "Amica curiae," she replied --
38092 "Friend of the court, so please you."
38093 "Begone!" he shouted -- "There's the door --
38094 I never saw your face before!"
38095 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
38097 Once the realization is accepted that even between the closest human
38098 beings infinite distances continue to exist, a wonderful living side by
38099 side can grow up, if they succeed in loving the distance between them
38100 which makes it possible for each to see each other whole against the
38104 Once the toothpaste is out of the tube, it's hard to get it back in.
38107 Once there was a little nerd who loved to read your mail,
38108 And then yank back the i-access times to get hackers off his tail,
38109 And once as he finished reading from the secretary's spool,
38110 He wrote a rude rejection to her boyfriend (how uncool!)
38111 And this as delivermail did work and he ran his backfstat,
38112 He heard an awful crackling like rat fritters in hot fat,
38113 And hard errors brought the system down 'fore he could even shout!
38114 And the bio bug'll bring yours down too, ef you don't watch out!
38115 And once they was a little flake who'd prowl through the uulog,
38116 And when he went to his blit that night to play at being god,
38117 The ops all heard him holler, and they to the console dashed,
38118 But when they did a ps -ut they found the system crashed!
38119 Oh, the wizards adb'd the dumps and did the system trace,
38120 And worked on the file system 'til the disk head was hot paste,
38121 But all they ever found was this: "panic: never doubt",
38122 And the bio bug'll crash your box too, ef you don't watch out!
38123 When the day is done and the moon comes out,
38124 And you hear the printer whining and the rk's seems to count,
38125 When the other desks are empty and their terminals glassy grey,
38126 And the load is only 1.6 and you wonder if it'll stay,
38127 You must mind the file protections and not snoop around,
38128 Or the bio bug'll getcha and bring the system down!
38130 Once there was this conductor see, who had a bass problem. You see, during
38131 a portion of Beethoven's Ninth Symphony in which there are no bass violin
38132 parts, one of the bassists always passed a bottle of scotch around. So,
38133 to remind himself that the basses usually required an extra cue towards the
38134 end of the symphony, the conductor would fasten a piece of string around the
38135 page of the score before the bass cue. As the basses grew more and more
38136 inebriated, two of them fell asleep. The conductor grew quite nervous (he
38137 was very concerned about the pitch) because it was the bottom of the ninth;
38138 the score was tied and the basses were loaded with two out.
38140 Once upon a time there...
38142 Once upon a time there was a kingdom ruled by a great bear. The peasants
38143 were not very rich, and one of the few ways to become at all wealthy was
38144 to become a Royal Knight. This required an interview with the bear. If
38145 the bear liked you, you were knighted on the spot. If not, the bear would
38146 just as likely remove your head with one swat of a paw. However, the family
38147 of these unfortunate would-be knights was compensated with a beautiful
38148 sheepdog from the royal kennels, which was itself a fairly valuable
38149 possession. And the moral of the story is:
38151 The mourning after a terrible knight, nothing beats the dog of the bear that
38154 Once upon a time, when I was training to be a mathematician, a group of
38155 us bright young students taking number theory discovered the names of
38156 the smaller prime numbers.
38158 2: The Odd Prime --
38159 It's the only even prime, therefore it's odd. QED.
38160 3: The True Prime --
38161 Lewis Carroll: "If I tell you three times, it's true."
38162 31: The Arbitrary Prime --
38163 Determined by unanimous unvote. We needed an arbitrary prime
38164 in case the prof asked for one, and so had an election. 91
38165 received the most votes (well, it *looks* prime) and 3+4i the
38166 next most. However, 31 was the only candidate to receive none
38169 Since the composite numbers are formed from primes, their qualities are
38170 derived from those primes. So, for instance, the number 6 is "odd but
38171 true", while the powers of 2 are all extremely odd numbers.
38173 Once upon this midnight incoherent,
38174 While you pondered sentient and crystalline,
38175 Over many a broken and subordinate
38176 Volume of gnarly lore,
38177 While I pestered, nearly singing,
38178 Suddenly there came a hewing,
38179 As of someone profusely skulking,
38180 Skulking at my chamber door.
38182 Once you've seen one nuclear war, you've seen them all.
38184 Once you've tried to change the world you find
38185 it's a whole bunch easier to change your mind.
38187 One advantage of talking to yourself is that you know at least
38188 somebody's listening.
38189 -- Franklin P. Jones
38191 "One Architecture, One OS" also translates as "One Egg, One Basket".
38193 "One basic notion underlying Usenet is that it is a cooperative."
38195 Having been on USENET for going on ten years, I disagree with this.
38196 The basic notion underlying USENET is the flame.
38197 -- Chuq Von Rospach
38199 One Bell System - it sometimes works.
38201 One Bell System - it used to work before they installed the Dimension!
38203 One Bell System - it works.
38205 One big pile is better than two little piles.
38208 One can never consent to creep when one feels an impulse to soar.
38211 One can search the brain with a microscope and not find the
38212 mind, and can search the stars with a telescope and not find God.
38215 One cannot make an omelette without breaking eggs -- but it is amazing
38216 how many eggs one can break without making a decent omelette.
38217 -- Professor Charles P. Issawi
38219 One can't proceed from the informal to the formal by formal means.
38221 One could not be a successful scientist without realizing that, in contrast
38222 to the popular conception supported by newspapers and mothers of scientists,
38223 a goodly number of scientists are not only narrow-minded and dull, but also
38225 -- J. D. Watson, "The Double Helix"
38227 One day an elderly Jewish Pole, living in Warsaw, finds an old lamp in his
38228 attic. He starts to polish it and (poof!) a genie appears in a cloud of
38230 "Greetings, Mortal!" exclaims the genie, stretching and yawning, "For
38231 releasing me I will grant you three wishes."
38232 The old man thinks for a moment, then replies, "I want Genghis Khan
38233 resurrected. I want him to re-unite the Mongol hordes, march to the Polish
38234 border, decide he doesn't want to invade, and march back home."
38235 "No sooner said than done!" thunders the genie. "Your second wish?"
38236 "Hmmmm. I want Genghis Khan resurrected. I want him to re-unite the
38237 Mongol hordes, march to the Polish border, decide he doesn't want to invade,
38238 and march back home."
38239 "But... well, all right! Your third wish?"
38240 "I want Genghis Khan resurrected. I want him to re-unite his ---"
38241 "OKOKOKOK! Right. Got it. Why do you want Genghis Khan to march
38242 to Poland three times and never invade?"
38243 The old man smiles. "He has to pass through Russia six times."
38245 One day President Reagan, Chairman Brezhnev, the Pope, and a boy scout were
38246 flying together in an airplane. Right out in the middle of nowhere the plane
38247 developed engine trouble and started to go down. Unfortunately, only three
38248 parachutes could be found for the four passengers! Brezhnev grabbed one of
38249 the parachutes and declared "Comrades, as leader of the socialist workers
38250 revolution, my life must be spared." And he jumped out of the plane. Then
38251 Reagan exclaimed "As leader of the greatest nation on earth, I must keep the
38252 world safe for democracy." And with that he too jumped to safety. Now if
38253 you are following all this (or counting on your fingers) you must see that
38254 there is only one parachute left for the two remaining passengers. The Pope
38255 looked kindly upon the boy scout and said "I have had a long and productive
38256 life, my son. You take the parachute and leave me in God's hands." "That's
38257 very kind of you," the observant scout replied, "but there is no need. Reagan
38258 just jumped out with my knapsack."
38260 One day the King decided that he would force all his subjects to tell
38261 the truth. A gallows was erected in front of the city gates. A herald
38262 announced, "Whoever would enter the city must first answer the truth to
38263 a question which will be put to him." Nasrudin was first in line. The
38264 captain of the guard asked him, "Where are you going? Tell the truth
38265 -- the alternative is death by hanging." "I am going," said Nasrudin,
38266 "to be hanged on that gallows." "I don't believe you." "Very well, if
38267 I have told a lie, then hang me!" "But that would make it the truth!"
38268 "Exactly," said Nasrudin, "your truth."
38270 One day this guy is finally fed up with his middle-class existence and
38271 decides to do something about it. He calls up his best friend, who is a
38272 mathematical genius. "Look," he says, "do you suppose you could find some
38273 way mathematically of guaranteeing winning at the race track? We could
38274 make a lot of money and retire and enjoy life." The mathematician thinks
38275 this over a bit and walks away mumbling to himself.
38276 A week later his friend drops by to ask the genius if he's had any
38277 success. The genius, looking a little bleary-eyed, replies, "Well, yes,
38278 actually I do have an idea, and I'm reasonably sure that it will work, but
38279 there a number of details to be figured out.
38280 After the second week the mathematician appears at his friend's house,
38281 looking quite a bit rumpled, and announces, "I think I've got it! I still have
38282 some of the theory to work out, but now I'm certain that I'm on the right
38284 At the end of the third week the mathematician wakes his friend by
38285 pounding on his door at three in the morning. He has dark circles under his
38286 eyes. His hair hasn't been combed for many days. He appears to be wearing
38287 the same clothes as the last time. He has several pencils sticking out from
38288 behind his ears and an almost maniacal expression on his face. "WE CAN DO
38289 IT! WE CAN DO IT!!" he shrieks. "I have discovered the perfect solution!!
38290 And it's so EASY! First, we assume that horses are perfect spheres in simple
38291 harmonic motion..."
38295 With nothing to say,
38296 Wrote a mad meta-poem
38297 That started: "One day,
38299 With nothing to say,
38300 Wrote a mad meta-poem
38301 That started: "One day,
38304 Were the words that the poet,
38306 To bring his mad poem,
38307 To some sort of close".
38308 Were the words that the poet,
38310 To bring his mad poem,
38311 To some sort of close".
38313 One difference between a man and a machine is that a machine is quiet
38316 One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you.
38319 One dusty July afternoon, somewhere around the turn of the century, Patrick
38320 Malone was in Mulcahey's Bar, bending an elbow with the other street car
38321 conductors from the Brooklyn Traction Company. While they were discussing the
38322 merits of a local ring hero, the bar goes silent. Malone turns around to see
38323 his wife, with a face grim as death, stalking to the bar.
38324 Slapping a four-bit piece down on the bar, she draws herself up to her
38325 full five feet five inches and says to Mulcahey, "Give me what himself has
38326 been havin' all these years."
38327 Mulcahey looks at Malone, who shrugs, and then back at Margaret Mary
38328 Malone. He sets out a glass and pours her a triple shot of Rye. The bar is
38329 totally silent as they watch the woman pick up the glass and knock back the
38330 drink. She slams the glass down on the bar, gasps, shudders slightly, and
38331 passes out; falling straight back, stiff as a board, saved from sudden contact
38332 with the barroom floor by the ample belly of Seamus Fogerty.
38333 Sometime later, she comes to on the pool table, a jacket under her
38334 head. Her bloodshot eyes fell upon her husband, who says, "And all these
38335 years you've been thinkin' I've been enjoying meself."
38337 One expresses well the love he does not feel.
38340 One family builds a wall, two families enjoy it.
38342 One father is more than a hundred schoolmasters.
38345 One friend in a lifetime is much; two are many; three are hardly possible.
38346 Friendship needs a certain parallelism of life, a community of thought,
38348 -- Henry Brook Adams
38350 One girl can be pretty -- but a dozen are only a chorus.
38351 -- F. Scott Fitzgerald, "The Last Tycoon"
38353 One good reason why computers can do more work than people is that they
38354 never have to stop and answer the phone.
38356 One good suit is worth a thousand resumes.
38358 One good thing about music,
38359 Well, it helps you feel no pain.
38360 So hit me with music;
38361 Hit me with music now.
38362 -- Bob Marley, "Trenchtown Rock"
38364 One good turn asketh another.
38367 One good turn deserves another.
38370 One good turn usually gets most of the blanket.
38372 One has to look out for engineers -- they begin with sewing machines
38373 and end up with the atomic bomb.
38376 One hundred women are not worth a single testicle.
38379 One is not superior merely because one sees the world as odious.
38380 -- Chateaubriand (1768-1848)
38382 One is often kept in the right road by a rut.
38385 One learns to itch where one can scratch.
38388 ONE LIFE TO LIVE for ALL MY CHILDREN in
38389 ANOTHER WORLD all THE DAYS OF OUR LIVES.
38391 One man tells a falsehood, a hundred repeat it as true.
38393 One man's brain plus one other will produce one half as many ideas as
38394 one man would have produced alone. These two plus two more will
38395 produce half again as many ideas. These four plus four more begin to
38396 represent a creative meeting, and the ratio changes to one quarter as
38400 One man's constant is another man's variable.
38403 One man's folly is another man's wife.
38406 One man's "magic" is another man's engineering.
38407 "Supernatural" is a null word.
38409 One man's Mede is another man's Persian.
38412 One man's theology is another man's belly laugh.
38414 One measure of friendship consists not in the number of things friends
38415 can discuss, but in the number of things they need no longer mention.
38418 One meets his destiny often on the road he takes to avoid it.
38420 One monk said to the other, "The fish has flopped out of the net! How
38421 will it live?" The other said, "When you have gotten out of the net,
38424 One must have a heart of stone to read the death of Little Nell by Dickens
38428 One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
38430 One nuclear bomb can ruin your whole day.
38432 One of my less pleasant chores when I was young was to read the Bible
38433 from one end to the other. Reading the Bible straight through is at
38434 least 70 percent discipline, like learning Latin. But the good parts
38435 are, of course, simply amazing. God is an extremely uneven writer, but
38436 when He's good, nobody can touch Him.
38437 -- John Gardner, NYT Book Review, Jan 1983
38439 One of the chief duties of the mathematician in acting as an
38440 advisor... is to discourage... from expecting too much from
38444 One of the disadvantages of having children is that they eventually get old
38445 enough to give you presents they make at school.
38448 One of the large consolations for experiencing anything
38449 unpleasant is the knowledge that one can communicate it.
38450 -- Joyce Carol Oates
38452 One of the lessons of history is that nothing is often a good thing to
38453 do and always a clever thing to say.
38456 One of the major difficulties Trillian experienced in her relationship with
38457 Zaphod was learning to distinguish between him pretending to be stupid just
38458 to get people off their guard, pretending to be stupid because he couldn't
38459 be bothered to think and wanted someone else to do it for him, pretending
38460 to be so outrageously stupid to hide the fact that he actually didn't
38461 understand what was going on, and really being genuinely stupid. He was
38462 renowned for being quite clever and quite clearly was so -- but not all the
38463 time, which obviously worried him, hence the act. He preferred people to be
38464 puzzled rather than contemptuous. This above all appeared to Trillian to be
38465 genuinely stupid, but she could no longer be bothered to argue about.
38466 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
38468 One of the most overlooked advantages to computers is... If they do
38469 foul up, there's no law against whacking them around a little.
38472 One of the most striking differences between a
38473 cat and a lie is that a cat has only nine lives.
38476 One of the oldest problems puzzled over in the Talmud is: "Why did God
38477 create goyim?" The generally accepted answer is "________
\b\b\b\b\b\b\b\bsomebody has to buy
38479 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
38481 One of the pleasures of reading old letters is the knowledge that they
38483 -- George Gordon, Lord Byron
38485 One of the rules of Busmanship, New York style, is never surrender your
38486 seat to another passenger. This may seem callous, but it is the best
38487 way, really. If one passenger were to give a seat to someone who
38488 fainted in the aisle, say, the others on the bus would become
38489 disoriented and imagine they were in Topeka, Kansas.
38491 One of the signs of Napoleon's greatness is the fact that he
38492 once had a publisher shot.
38493 -- Siegfried Unseld
38495 One of the worst of my many faults is that I'm too critical of myself.
38497 One of your most ancient writers, a historian named Herodotus, tells of a
38498 thief who was to be executed. As he was taken away he made a bargain with
38499 the king: in one year he would teach the king's favorite horse to sing
38500 hymns. The other prisoners watched the thief singing to the horse and
38501 laughed. "You will not succeed," they told him. "No one can."
38502 To which the thief replied, "I have a year, and who knows what might
38503 happen in that time. The king might die. The horse might die. I might die.
38504 And perhaps the horse will learn to sing.
38505 -- "The Mote in God's Eye", Niven and Pournelle
38507 One organism, one vote.
38509 One Page Principle:
38510 A specification that will not fit on one page of 8.5x11 inch
38511 paper cannot be understood.
38514 One person's error is another person's data.
38516 One picture is worth 128K words.
38518 One picture is worth more than ten thousand words.
38521 One pill makes you larger And if you go chasing rabbits
38522 And, one pill makes you small. And you know you're going to fall.
38523 And the ones that mother gives you, Tell 'em a hookah smoking caterpillar
38524 Don't do anything at all. Has given you the call.
38525 Go ask Alice Call Alice
38526 When she's ten feet tall. When she was just small.
38528 When men on the chessboard When logic and proportion
38529 Get up and tell you where to go. Have fallen sloppy dead,
38530 And you've just had some kind of And the White Knight is talking
38532 And your mind is moving low. And the Red Queen's lost her head
38533 Go ask Alice Remember what the dormouse said:
38534 I think she'll know. Feed your head.
38537 -- Jefferson Airplane, "White Rabbit"
38539 One planet is all you get.
38541 One possible reason that things aren't going according to plan
38542 is that there never was a plan in the first place.
38544 One promising concept that I came up with right away was that you could
38545 manufacture personal air bags, then get a law passed requiring that
38546 they be installed on congressmen to keep them from taking trips. Let's
38547 say your congressman was trying to travel to Paris to do a fact-finding
38548 study on how the French government handles diseases transmitted by
38549 sherbet. Just when he got to the plane, his mandatory air bag,
38550 strapped around his waist, would inflate -- FWWAAAAAAPPPP -- thus
38551 rendering him too large to fit through the plane door. It could also
38552 be rigged to inflate whenever the congressman proposed a law. ("Mr.
38553 Speaker, people ask me, why should October be designated as Cuticle
38554 Inspection Month? And I answer that FWWAAAAAAPPPP.") This would save
38555 millions of dollars, so I have no doubt that the public would violently
38556 support a law requiring airbags on congressmen. The problem is that
38557 your potential market is very small: there are only around 500 members
38558 of Congress, and some of them, such as House Speaker "Tip" O'Neil, are
38559 already too large to fit on normal aircraft.
38560 -- Dave Barry, "'Mister Mediocre' Restaurants"
38562 One reason why George Washington
38563 Is held in such veneration:
38564 He never blamed his problems
38565 On the former Administration.
38566 -- George O. Ludcke
38568 One seldom sees a monument to a committee.
38570 One should always be in love. That is the reason one should never marry.
38574 Doesn't fit anyone.
38576 One small step for man, one giant stumble for mankind.
38578 One thing about the past.
38579 It's likely to last.
38582 ONE THING KIDS LIKE is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take
38583 my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to a burned-out
38584 warehouse. "Oh, oh," I said. "Disneyland burned down." He cried and
38585 cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke.
38587 I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty
38589 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican", 1988.
38591 One thing the inventors can't seem to get the bugs out of is fresh
38594 "One thing they don't tell you about doing experimental physics is that
38595 sometimes you must work under adverse conditions ... like a state of
38599 One thought driven home is better than three left on base.
38601 One time the police stopped me for speeding. They said, "Don't you know the
38602 speed limit is fifty-five miles an hour?" I said, "Yeah, I know, but I wasn't
38603 going to be out that long."
38606 One toke over the line, sweet Mary,
38607 One toke over the line,
38608 Sittin' downtown in a railway station,
38609 One toke over the line.
38610 Waitin' for the train that goes home,
38611 Hopin' that the train is on time,
38612 Sittin' downtown in a railway station,
38613 One toke over the line.
38615 One way to make your old car run better is to look up the price of a
38618 One way to stop a runaway horse is to bet on him.
38620 One, with God, is always a majority, but many a martyr has been burned
38621 at the stake while the votes were being counted.
38624 One would like to stroke and caress human beings, but one dares not do so,
38628 One-Shot Case Study, n.:
38629 The scientific equivalent of the four-leaf clover, from which
38630 it is concluded all clovers possess four leaves and are sometimes
38634 The idea that a human being should always be accessible to a computer.
38637 The idea that a human being should always be accessible to a
38640 Only a fool has no doubts.
38642 Only a mediocre person is always at his best.
38645 Only adults have difficulty with childproof caps.
38647 Only fools are quoted.
38650 Only God can make random selections.
38652 Only great masters of style can succeed in being obtuse.
38655 Most UNIX programmers are great masters of style.
38656 -- The Unnamed Usenetter
38658 Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four
38659 essential food groups -- alcohol, caffeine, sugar, and fat.
38662 [Oh come on, everybody knows that the four basic food groups are
38663 hot sugar, cold sugar, carbohydrates and grease. Ed.]
38665 Only kings, presidents, editors, and people with tapeworms have the right
38666 to use the editorial "we".
38668 Only someone with nothing to be sorry for
38669 smiles back at the rear of an elephant.
38671 Only that in you which is me can hear what I'm saying.
38674 Only the fittest survive. The vanquished acknowledge their unworthiness by
38675 placing a classified ad with the ritual phrase "must sell -- best offer,"
38676 and thereafter dwell in infamy, relegated to discussing gas mileage and lawn
38677 food. But if successful, you join the elite sodality that spends hours
38678 unpurifying the dialect of the tribe with arcane talk of bits and bytes, RAMS
38679 and ROMS, hard disks and baud rates. Are you obnoxious, obsessed? It's a
38680 modest price to pay. For you have tapped into the same awesome primal power
38681 that produces credit-card billing errors and lost plane reservations. Hail,
38682 postindustrial warrior, subduer of Bounceoids, pride of the cosmos, keeper of
38683 the silicone creed: Computo, ergo sum. The force is with you -- at 110 volts.
38684 May your RAMS be fruitful and multiply.
38685 -- Curt Suplee, "Smithsonian", 4/83
38687 Only the hypocrite is really rotten to the core.
38690 Only those who leisurely approach that which the masses are
38691 busy about can be busy about that which the masses take leisurely.
38694 Only through hard work and perseverance can one truly suffer.
38696 Only two groups of people fall for flattery -- men and women.
38698 Only two kinds of witnesses exist. The first live in a neighborhood where
38699 a crime has been committed and in no circumstances have ever seen anything
38700 or even heard a shot. The second category are the neighbors of anyone who
38701 happens to be accused of the crime. These have always looked out of their
38702 windows when the shot was fired, and have noticed the accused person standing
38703 peacefully on his balcony a few yards away.
38704 -- Sicilian police officer
38706 Only two of my personalities are schizophrenic, but one
38707 of them is paranoid and the other one is out to get him.
38709 Only way to open lips of pigeon, sledgehammer.
38711 Ontogeny recapitulates phylogeny.
38713 Onward through the fog.
38715 Operator, please trace this call and tell me where I am.
38717 Opiates are the religion of the upper-middle classes.
38720 Opium is very cheap considering you don't
38721 feel like eating for the next six days.
38722 -- Taylor Mead, famous transvestite
38724 Oppernockity tunes but once.
38726 Opportunities are usually disguised as hard
38727 work, so most people don't recognize them.
38729 Oprah Winfrey has an incredible talent for getting the weirdest people to
38730 talk to. And you just HAVE to watch it. "Blind, masochistic minority,
38731 crippled, depressed, government latrine diggers, and the women who love
38732 them too much on the next Oprah Winfrey."
38734 Optimism is the content of small men in high places.
38735 -- F. Scott Fitzgerald, "The Crack Up"
38738 The belief that everything is beautiful, including what is ugly, good, bad,
38739 and everything right that is wrong. It is held with greatest tenacity by
38740 those accustomed to falling into adversity, and most acceptably expounded
38741 with the grin that apes a smile. Being a blind faith, it is inaccessible
38742 to the light of disproof -- an intellectual disorder, yielding to no treatment
38743 but death. It is hereditary, but not contagious.
38746 A bagpiper with a beeper.
38749 A proponent of the belief that black is white.
38751 A pessimist asked God for relief.
38752 "Ah, you wish me to restore your hope and cheerfulness," said God.
38753 "No," replied the petitioner, "I wish you to create something that
38754 would justify them."
38755 "The world is all created," said God, "but you have overlooked
38756 something -- the mortality of the optimist."
38757 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
38760 Someone who goes down to the marriage
38761 bureau to see if his license has expired.
38763 Optimization hinders evolution.
38765 Or you or I must yield up his life to Ahrimanes. I would rather it were you.
38766 I should have no hesitation in sacrificing my own life to spare yours, but
38767 we take stock next week, and it would not be fair on the company.
38768 -- J. Wellington Wells
38770 Oral sex is like being attacked by a giant snail.
38773 Orcs really aren't so bad (if you use lots of catsup).
38775 Order and simplification are the first steps toward
38776 mastery of a subject -- the actual enemy is the unknown.
38780 The ancient Italian art of pizza folding.
38783 Eighty billion gallons of water with no place to go on Saturday
38786 O'Reilly's Law of the Kitchen:
38787 Cleanliness is next to impossible
38791 Organic chemistry is the chemistry of carbon compounds. Biochemistry
38792 is the study of carbon compounds that crawl.
38795 Original thought is like original sin: both happened before you were born
38796 to people you could not have possibly met.
38797 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"
38800 Variables won't; constants aren't.
38802 Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how did you like the play?
38805 The appetites they feed, but she makes hungry
38806 Where most she satisfies.
38807 -- Antony and Cleopatra
38809 Others can stop you temporarily, only you can do it permanently.
38811 Others will look to you for stability, so hide when you bite your nails.
38813 O'Toole's Commentary on Murphy's Law:
38814 Murphy was an optimist.
38816 Ouch! That felt good!
38819 "Our attitude with TCP/IP is, `Hey, we'll do it, but don't make a big
38820 system, because we can't fix it if it breaks -- nobody can.'"
38822 "TCP/IP is OK if you've got a little informal club, and it doesn't make
38823 any difference if it takes a while to fix it."
38824 -- Ken Olsen, in Digital News, 1988
38826 Our business in life is not to succeed
38827 but to continue to fail in high spirits.
38828 -- Robert Louis Stevenson
38830 Our congratulations go to a Burlington Vermont civilian employee of the
38831 local Army National Guard base. He recently received a substantial cash
38832 award from our government for inventing a device for optical scanning.
38833 His device reportedly will save the government more than $6 million a year
38834 by replacing a more expensive helicopter maintenance tool with his own,
38835 home-made, hand-held model.
38837 Not surprisingly, we also have a couple of money-saving ideas that we submit
38838 to the Pentagon free of charge:
38840 a. Don't kill anybody.
38841 b. Don't build things that do.
38842 c. And don't pay other people to kill anybody.
38844 We expect annual savings to be in the billions.
38847 Our country has plenty of good five-cent cigars, but the trouble is
38848 they charge fifteen cents for them.
38850 Our documentation manager was showing her 2 year old son around the office.
38851 He was introduced to me, at which time he pointed out that we were both
38852 holding bags of popcorn. We were both holding bottles of juice. But only
38853 *he* had a lollipop.
38854 He asked his mother, "Why doesn't HE have a lollipop?"
38855 Her reply: "He can have a lollipop any time he wants to. That's
38856 what it means to be a programmer."
38858 Our documentation manager was showing her two year old son around the
38859 office. He was introduced to me, at which time he pointed out that we
38860 were both holding bags of popcorn. We were both holding bottles of
38861 juice. But only *_
\b_
\bhe* had a lollipop.
38863 He asked his mother, "Why doesn't HE have a lollipop?"
38867 "He can have a lollipop any time he wants to. That's what it
38868 means to be a programmer."
38870 Our houseplants have a good sense of humous.
38872 Our informal mission is to improve the love life of operators worldwide.
38873 -- Peter Behrendt, president of Exabyte
38875 Our little systems have their day;
38876 They have their day and cease to be;
38877 They are but broken lights of thee.
38880 Our OS who art in CPU, UNIX be thy name.
38881 Thy programs run, thy syscalls done,
38882 In kernel as it is in user!
38884 Our parents were of Midwestern stock and very strict. They didn't want us
38885 to grow up to be spoiled and rich. If we left our tennis racquets in the
38886 rain, we were punished.
38887 -- Nancy Ellis (George Bush's sister), in the New Republic
38889 Our policy is, when in doubt, do the right thing.
38890 -- Roy L. Ash, ex-president Litton Industries
38892 Our problems are so serious that the best
38893 way to talk about them is lightheartedly.
38895 Our sires' age was worse that our grandsires'.
38896 We their sons are more worthless than they:
38897 so in our turn we shall give the world a progeny yet more corrupt.
38898 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
38900 Our swords shall play the orators for us.
38901 -- Christopher Marlowe
38903 Our universe itself keeps on expanding and expanding,
38904 In all of the directions it can whiz;
38905 As fast as it can go, that's the speed of light, you know,
38906 Twelve million miles a minute and that's the fastest speed there is.
38907 So remember, when you're feeling very small and insecure,
38908 How amazingly unlikely is your birth;
38909 And pray that there's intelligent life somewhere out in space,
38910 'Cause there's bugger all down here on Earth!
38913 "Our vision is to speed up time, eventually eliminating it."
38916 Ours is a world of nuclear giants and ethical infants.
38917 -- General Omar N. Bradley
38919 Ours is a world where people don't know what they
38920 want and are willing to go through hell to get it.
38922 Out of sight is out of mind.
38925 Out of the crooked timber of humanity no straight thing can ever be made.
38928 Out of the mouths of babes does often come cereal.
38930 "Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend: and inside a dog,
38931 it's too dark to read."
38934 Over the shoulder supervision is more a
38935 need of the manager than the programming task.
38937 Over the years, I've developed my sense of deja vu so acutely that now
38938 I can remember things that *have* happened before ...
38940 Overall, the philosophy is to attack the availability problem from two
38941 complementary directions: to reduce the number of software errors through
38942 rigorous testing of running systems, and to reduce the effect of the remaining
38943 errors by providing for recovery from them. An interesting footnote to this
38944 design is that now a system failure can usually be considered to be the
38945 result of two program errors: the first, in the program that started the
38946 problem; the second, in the recovery routine that could not protect the
38948 -- A. L. Scherr, "Functional Structure of IBM Virtual Storage
38949 Operating Systems, Part II: OS/VS-2 Concepts and
38950 Philosophies," IBM Systems Journal, Vol. 12, No. 4.
38952 Overconfidence breeds error when we take for granted that the game will
38953 continue on its normal course; when we fail to provide for an unusually
38954 powerful resource -- a check, a sacrifice, a stalemate. Afterwards the
38955 victim may wail, `But who could have dreamt of such an idiotic-looking
38957 -- Fred Reinfeld, "The Complete Chess Course"
38959 Overdrawn? But I still have checks left!
38961 Overflow on /dev/null: please empty the bit bucket.
38964 "How do I feel? Great! And I kiss pretty good, too!"
38966 Overload -- core meltdown sequence initiated.
38968 Owe no man any thing...
38971 Oxygen is a very toxic gas and an extreme fire hazard. It is fatal in
38972 concentrations of as little as 0.000001 p.p.m. Humans exposed to the
38973 oxygen concentrations die within a few minutes. Symptoms resemble very
38974 much those of cyanide poisoning (blue face, etc.). In higher
38975 concentrations, e.g. 20%, the toxic effect is somewhat delayed and it
38976 takes about 2.5 billion inhalations before death takes place. The reason
38977 for the delay is the difference in the mechanism of the toxic effect of
38978 oxygen in 20% concentration. It apparently contributes to a complex
38979 process called aging, of which very little is known, except that it is
38982 However, the main disadvantage of the 20% oxygen concentration is in the
38983 fact it is habit forming. The first inhalation (occurring at birth) is
38984 sufficient to make oxygen addiction permanent. After that, any
38985 considerable decrease in the daily oxygen doses results in death with
38986 symptoms resembling those of cyanide poisoning.
38988 Oxygen is an extreme fire hazard. All of the fires that were reported in
38989 the continental U.S. for the period of the past 25 years were found to be
38990 due to the presence of this gas in the atmosphere surrounding the buildings
38993 Oxygen is especially dangerous because it is odorless, colorless and
38994 tasteless, so that its presence can not be readily detected until it is
38996 -- Chemical & Engineering News February 6, 1956
38999 (1) If someone says he will do something "without fail," he
39001 (2) The more people talk on the phone, the less money they
39003 (3) People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
39004 (4) Pizza always burns the roof of your mouth.
39006 paak, n: A stadium or inclosed playing field. To put or leave (a
39007 vehicle) for a time in a certain location.
39008 patato, n: The starchy, edible tuber of a widely cultivated plant.
39009 Septemba, n: The 9th month of the year.
39010 shua, n: Having no doubt; certain.
39011 sista, n: A female having the same mother and father as the speaker.
39012 tamato, n: A fleshy, smooth-skinned reddish fruit eaten in salads
39014 troopa, n: A state policeman.
39015 Wista, n: A city in central Masschewsetts.
39016 yaad, n: A tract of ground adjacent to a building.
39017 -- Massachewsetts Unabridged Dictionary
39020 Falling out of a twenty story building,
39021 and snagging your eyelid on a nail.
39024 One thing, at least it proves that you're alive!
39027 Sliding down a 50-foot razor blade into a bucket of alcohol.
39029 Pain is just God's way of hurting you.
39032 The art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather, and
39033 exposing them to the critic.
39034 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
39037 Never open a box you didn't close.
39039 panic: can't find /
39041 panic: kernel segmentation violation. core dumped (only kidding)
39043 panic: kernel trap (ignored)
39047 2 dashes == 1 smidgen
39048 2 smidgens == 1 pinch
39049 3 pinches == 1 soupcon
39050 2 soupcons == too much paprika
39052 Paradise is exactly like where you are right now ... only much, much
39056 Parallel lines never meet, unless you bend one or both of them.
39058 Paralysis through analysis.
39061 A healthy understanding of the way the universe works.
39063 Paranoia doesn't mean the whole world isn't out to get you.
39065 Paranoia is heightened awareness.
39067 Paranoia is simply an optimistic outlook on life.
39069 Paranoid Club meeting this Friday.
39070 Now ... just try to find out where!
39072 Paranoid schizophrenics outnumber their enemies at least two to one.
39074 Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems. It's easy to
39075 criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid too.
39078 Pardon me while I laugh.
39080 Pardon this fortune. Database under reconstruction.
39082 Pardo's First Postulate:
39083 Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral, or
39087 Everything else causes cancer in rats.
39089 Parents often talk about the younger generation as if they
39090 didn't have much of anything to do with it.
39093 Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.
39095 Parkinson's Fifth Law:
39096 If there is a way to delay an important decision, the good
39097 bureaucracy, public or private, will find it.
39099 Parkinson's Fourth Law:
39100 The number of people in any working group tends to increase
39101 regardless of the amount of work to be done.
39107 Parts that positively cannot be assembled in improper order will be.
39110 A gathering where you meet people who drink
39111 so much you can't even remember their names.
39114 A programming language named after a man who would turn over
39115 in his grave if he knew about it.
39116 -- "Datamation", January 15, 1984
39118 Pascal is a language for children wanting to be naughty.
39119 -- Dr. Kasi Ananthanarayanan
39121 "Pascal is not a high-level language."
39124 "Pascal is Pascal is Pascal is dog meat."
39125 -- M. Devine and P. Larson, Computer Science 340
39128 A programming language named after a man who would turn over in
39129 his grave if he knew about it.
39132 The Pascal system will be replaced next Tuesday by Cobol.
39133 Please modify your programs accordingly.
39136 To show respect for the 313th anniversary (tomorrow) of the
39137 death of Blaise Pascal, your programs will be run at half speed.
39139 Passionate hatred can give meaning and purpose to an empty life.
39144 Passwords are implemented as a result of insecurity.
39146 Paster Crosstalk: What items are specifically mentioned by GOD as being
39147 unclean? Now did you know... preying birds... praying mantises...
39148 All birds of prey, all carrion eaters, fish eaters -- no good, can't
39149 eat those. Nothing that does not have both fins and scales. Most
39151 Alvarado: How 'bout caterpillars?
39152 P: A caterpillar doesn't have a backbone. Nothing without a backbone
39154 A: How do you know? You char a caterpillar, it gets real stiff!
39155 P: Well, I don't think that the Lord meant us to eat CHARRED
39158 P: The hog, the squirrel... little squirrels. Who would want to eat
39160 A: If you're starving. If you're starving in the park one day.
39161 P: You'd probably just CHAR 'em to get 'em stiff, wouldn't ya?
39162 A: No, you SINGE 'em. You SINGE 'em and eat 'em. *I* read about the
39163 Donner Pass, I know what man does when he's hungry.
39164 P: Squirrels eating squirrels -- my GOD, that's sick!
39165 A: That's sick, SURE. But a MAN eating a squirrel -- that's (heh, heh)
39166 par for the course, Charlie.
39167 -- Firesign Theatre
39170 The study of those mathematical properties that are invariant
39171 under brain transplants.
39173 Patch griefs with proverbs.
39174 -- William Shakespeare, "Much Ado About Nothing"
39177 A method of publicizing inventions so others can copy them.
39179 "Pathetic," he said. "That's what it is. Pathetic."
39181 "As I thought," he said, "no better from *this* side."
39184 Patience is a minor form of despair, disguised as virtue.
39185 -- Ambrose Bierce, on qualifiers
39187 Patience is the best remedy for every trouble.
39188 -- Titus Maccius Plautus
39190 Patriotism is the last refuge of a scoundrel.
39191 -- S. Johnson, "The Life of Samuel Johnson" by J. Boswell
39193 In Dr. Johnson's famous dictionary patriotism is defined as the last
39194 resort of the scoundrel. With all due respect to an enlightened but
39195 inferior lexicographer I beg to submit that it is the first.
39198 When Dr. Johnson defined patriotism as the last refuge of a scoundrel,
39199 he ignored the enormous possibilities of the word reform.
39200 -- Sen. Roscoe Conkling
39202 Public office is the last refuge of a scoundrel.
39205 Patriotism is the virtue of the vicious.
39208 Pauca sed matura. (Few but excellent.)
39211 Paul Revere was a tattle-tale.
39214 In America, it's not how much an item costs, it's how much you
39218 You can't fall off the floor.
39220 Pause for storage relocation.
39223 The weekly $5.27 that remains after deductions for federal
39224 withholding, state withholding, city withholding, FICA,
39225 medical/dental, long-term disability, unemployment insurance,
39226 Christmas Club, and payroll savings plan contributions.
39236 up your ides under brown-
39243 Peace be to this house, and all that dwell in it.
39245 Peace cannot be kept by force; it
39246 can only be achieved by understanding.
39249 Peace is much more precious than a piece
39250 of land... let there be no more wars.
39251 -- Mohammed Anwar Sadat (1918-1981)
39254 In international affairs, a period of cheating between two
39255 periods of fighting.
39256 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
39260 4 cups sugar 16 tbsp. milk
39261 4 cups brown sugar 4 tsp. vanilla
39262 4 cups shortening 14 cups flour
39264 4 cups peanut butter 4 tsp. salt
39266 Shape dough into balls. Roll in sugar and bake on ungreased cookie
39267 sheet at 375 F. for 10-12 minutes. Immediately top each cookie with a
39268 Hershey's kiss or star pressing down firmly to crack cookie. Makes a
39271 Pecor's Health-Food Principle:
39272 Never eat rutabaga on any day of the week that has a "y" in
39276 The perfect body heat achieved by having one leg under the
39277 sheet and one hanging off the edge of the bed.
39278 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
39281 A car with only one working headlight.
39282 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
39284 Pedro Guerrero was playing third base for the Los Angeles Dodgers in 1984
39285 when he made the comment that earns him a place in my Hall of Fame. Second
39286 baseman Steve Sax was having trouble making his throws. Other players were
39287 diving, screaming, signaling for a fair catch. At the same time, Guerrero,
39288 at third, was making a few plays that weren't exactly soothing to manager
39289 Tom Lasorda's stomach. Lasorda decided it was time for one of his famous
39290 motivational meetings and zeroed in on Guerrero: "How can you play third
39291 base like that? You've gotta be thinking about something besides baseball.
39293 "I'm only thinking about two things," Guerrero said. "First, `I
39294 hope they don't hit the ball to me.'" The players snickered, and even
39295 Lasorda had to fight off a laugh. "Second, `I hope they don't hit the ball
39297 -- Joe Garagiola, "It's Anybody's Ball Game"
39303 The solution to a problem changes the nature of the problem.
39306 "I will never understand people."
39307 "There's nothing to it. All you have to do is take a close look
39308 at yourself and you will understand everyone else. How would Seldon have
39309 worked out his Plan -- and I don't care how subtle his mathematics was --
39310 if he didn't understand people; and how could he have done that if people
39311 weren't easy to understand? You show me someone who can't understand
39312 people and I'll show you someone who has built up a false image of himself
39313 -- no offense intended."
39314 -- Isaac Asimov, "Foundation's Edge"
39316 Penguin Trivia #46:
39317 Animals who are not penguins can only wish they were.
39318 -- Chicago Reader 10/15/82
39323 A federally insured chain letter.
39325 People (a group that in my opinion has always attracted an undue amount of
39326 attention) have often been likened to snowflakes. This analogy is meant to
39327 suggest that each is unique -- no two alike. This is quite patently not the
39328 case. People ... are simply a dime a dozen. And, I hasten to add, their
39329 only similarity to snowflakes resides in their invariable and lamentable
39330 tendency to turn, after a few warm days, to slush.
39331 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"
39333 People are always available for work in the past tense.
39335 People are beginning to notice you.
39336 Try dressing before you leave the house.
39338 People are like onions -- you cut them up, and they make you cry.
39340 People are unconditionally guaranteed to be full of defects.
39342 People don't change; they only become more so.
39344 People don't usually make the same mistake twice -- they make it three
39345 times, four time, five times...
39347 People in general do not willingly read
39348 if they have anything else to amuse them.
39351 People love high ideals, but they got to be about 33-percent plausible.
39352 -- The Best of Will Rogers
39354 People need good lies. There are too many bad ones.
39355 -- Bokonon, "Cat's Cradle" by Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.
39357 People never lie so much as after a hunt, during a war, or before an
39359 -- Otto von Bismarck
39361 People of privilege will always risk their complete destruction
39362 rather than surrender any material part of their advantage.
39363 -- John Kenneth Galbraith
39365 People often find it easier to be a result of the past than a cause of
39368 People respond to people who respond.
39370 People say I live in my own little fantasy world... well, at least they
39374 People seem to enjoy things more when they know a lot of other people
39375 have been left out on the pleasure.
39378 People seem to think that the blanket phrase, "I only work here,"
39379 absolves them utterly from any moral obligation in terms of the
39380 public -- but this was precisely Eichmann's excuse for his job in
39381 the concentration camps.
39383 People tend to make rules for others and exceptions for themselves.
39385 People that can't find something to live for always seem to find something
39386 to die for. The problem is, they usually want the rest of us to die for
39389 "People think love is an emotion. Love is good sense."
39392 People usually get what's coming to them ... unless it's been mailed.
39394 People who are funny and smart and return phone calls get much better
39395 press than people who are just funny and smart.
39396 -- Howard Simons, "The Washington Post"
39398 People who claim they don't let little things bother them have never
39399 slept in a room with a single mosquito.
39401 People who fight fire with fire usually end up with ashes.
39402 -- Abigail Van Buren
39404 People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
39406 People who have no faults are terrible;
39407 there is no way of taking advantage of them.
39409 People who have what they want are very fond of telling people who
39410 haven't what they want that they don't want it.
39413 People who make no mistakes do not usually make anything.
39415 People who push both buttons should get their wish.
39417 People who take cat naps don't usually sleep in a cat's cradle.
39419 People who take cold baths never have rheumatism, but they have
39422 People who think they know everything
39423 greatly annoy those of us who do.
39425 People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that
39426 Benjamin Franklin said it first.
39428 People will buy anything that's one to a customer.
39430 People will do tomorrow what they did today because that is what they
39433 People with narrow minds usually have broad tongues.
39435 People's Action Rules:
39436 (1) Some people who can, shouldn't.
39437 (2) Some people who should, won't.
39438 (3) Some people who shouldn't, will.
39439 (4) Some people who can't, will try, regardless.
39440 (5) Some people who shouldn't, but try, will then blame others.
39442 Per buck you get more computing action with the small computer.
39445 Pereant, inquit, qui ante nos nostra dixerunt.
39446 [Confound those who have said our remarks before us.]
39448 [May they perish who have expressed our bright ideas before us.]
39451 Perfect day for scrubbing the floor and other exciting things.
39454 One who makes his host feel at home.
39456 Perfection is reached, not when there is no longer anything to add, but
39457 when there is no longer anything to take away.
39458 -- Antoine de Saint-Exupery
39461 A statement of the speed at which a computer system works. Or
39462 rather, might work under certain circumstances. Or was rumored
39463 to be working over in Jersey about a month ago.
39465 Perhaps, after all, America never has been discovered.
39466 I myself would say that it had merely been detected.
39469 Perhaps no person can be a poet, or even enjoy
39470 poetry without a certain unsoundness of mind.
39473 Perhaps the biggest disappointments were the ones you expected anyway.
39475 Perhaps the most widespread illusion is that if we were in power we would
39476 behave very differently from those who now hold it -- when, in truth, in
39477 order to get power we would have to become very much like them. (Lenin's
39478 fatal mistake, both in theory and in practice.)
39480 Perhaps the world's second words crime is boredom. The first is
39484 Perilous to all of us are the devices of
39485 an art deeper than we ourselves possess.
39486 -- Gandalf the Grey
39488 Periphrasis is the putting of things in a round-about way. "The cost may be
39489 upwards of a figure rather below 10m#." is a periphrasis for The cost may be
39490 nearly 10m#. "In Paris there reigns a complete absence of really reliable
39491 news" is a periphrasis for There is no reliable news in Paris. "Rarely does
39492 the `Little Summer' linger until November, but at times its stay has been
39493 prolonged until quite late in the year's penultimate month" contains a
39494 periphrasis for November, and another for lingers. "The answer is in the
39495 negative" is a periphrasis for No. "Was made the recipient of" is a
39496 periphrasis for Was presented with. The periphrasis style is hardly possible
39497 on any considerable scale without much use of abstract nouns such as "basis,
39498 case, character, connexion, dearth, description, duration, framework, lack,
39499 nature, reference, regard, respect". The existence of abstract nouns is a
39500 proof that abstract thought has occurred; abstract thought is a mark of
39501 civilized man; and so it has come about that periphrasis and civilization are
39502 by many held to be inseparable. These good people feel that there is an almost
39503 indecent nakedness, a reversion to barbarism, in saying No news is good news
39504 instead of "The absence of intelligence is an indication of satisfactory
39506 -- Fowler's English Usage
39508 Persistence in one opinion has never been considered
39509 a merit in political leaders.
39510 -- Marcus Tullius Cicero, "Ad familiares", 1st century BC
39512 Personifiers of the world, unite!
39513 You have nothing to lose but Mr. Dignity!
39514 -- Bernadette Bosky
39516 Personifiers Unite! You have nothing to lose but Mr. Dignity!
39518 Persons attempting to find a motive in this narrative will be prosecuted;
39519 persons attempting to find a moral in it will be banished; persons attempting
39520 to find a plot in it will be shot. By Order of the Author
39521 -- Mark Twain, "Tom Sawyer"
39524 A man who spends all his time worrying about how he can keep the
39525 wolf from the door.
39528 A man who refuses to see the wolf until he seizes the seat of
39532 A man who invites the wolf in and appears the next day in a fur coat.
39534 Pete: Waiter, this meat is bad.
39535 Waiter: Who told you?
39536 Pete: A little swallow.
39538 Peter Wemm Murphy Field, n.:
39539 A field of abnormally frequent and severe Murphy's Law events
39540 emanating from Mr. Peter Wemm. The field was first discovered and
39541 identified in Denmark during the initial FreeBSD SMP development.
39542 Mr. Wemm was residing in Australia at the time.
39544 Peter's hungry, time to eat lunch.
39546 Peter's Law of Substitution:
39547 Look after the molehills, and the
39548 mountains will look after themselves.
39550 Peter's Principle of Success:
39551 Get up one time more than you're knocked down.
39554 In every hierarchy, each employee tends to rise to the level of
39557 Peter's Law of Substitution:
39558 Look after the molehills, and the mountains will look after
39561 Peterson's Admonition:
39562 When you think you're going down for the third time --
39563 just remember that you may have counted wrong.
39566 (1) Trucks that overturn on freeways
39567 are filled with something sticky.
39568 (2) No cute baby in a carriage is ever a girl when called one.
39569 (3) Things that tick are not always clocks.
39570 (4) Suicide only works when you're bluffing.
39573 Any sun-bleached prehistoric candy that has been sitting in
39574 the window of a vending machine too long.
39575 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
39577 Phasers locked on target, Captain.
39579 Philadelphia is not dull -- it just seems so because it is next to
39580 exciting Camden, New Jersey.
39582 Philogyny recapitulates erogeny; erogeny recapitulates philogyny.
39585 The ability to bear with calmness the misfortunes of our friends.
39588 Unintelligible answers to insoluble problems.
39590 Philosophy will clip an angel's wings.
39593 Phone call for chucky-pooh.
39596 To flick a bulb on and off when it burns out (as if, somehow, that
39597 will bring it back to life).
39598 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
39600 Photographing a volcano is just about
39601 the most miserable thing you can do.
39602 -- Robert B. Goodman
39603 [Who has clearly never tried to use a PDP-10. Ed.]
39605 Physically there is nothing to distinguish human society from the
39606 farm-yard except that children are more troublesome and costly than
39607 chickens and women are not so completely enslaved as farm stock.
39608 -- George Bernard Shaw, "Getting Married"
39610 Pick another fortune cookie.
39612 Picking up the pieces of my sweet shattered dream,
39613 I wonder how the old folks are tonight,
39614 Her name was Ann, and I'll be damned if I recall her face,
39615 She left me not knowing what to do.
39617 Carefree Highway, let me slip away on you,
39618 Carefree Highway, you seen better days,
39619 The morning after blues, from my head down to my shoes,
39620 Carefree Highway, let me slip away, slip away, on you...
39622 Turning back the pages to the times I love best,
39623 I wonder if she'll ever do the same,
39624 Now the thing that I call livin' is just bein' satisfied,
39625 With knowing I got noone left to blame.
39626 Carefree Highway, I got to see you, my old flame...
39628 Searching through the fragments of my dream shattered sleep,
39629 I wonder if the years have closed her mind,
39630 I guess it must be wanderlust or tryin' to get free,
39631 From the good old faithful feelin' we once knew.
39632 -- Gordon Lightfoot, "Carefree Highway"
39635 If Congress must do a painful thing,
39636 the thing must be done in an odd-number year.
39638 Picture the sun as the origin of two intersecting 6-dimensional
39639 hyperplanes from which we can deduce a certain transformational
39640 sequence which gives us the terminal velocity of a rubber duck ...
39642 Piddle, twiddle, and resolve,
39643 Not one damn thing do we solve.
39646 Pie are not square. Pie are round. Cornbread are square.
39652 An animal (Porcus omnivorous) closely allied to the human race
39653 by the splendor and vivacity of its appetite, which, however, is
39654 inferior in scope, for it balks at pig.
39655 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
39657 Pilfering Treasure property is particularly dangerous: big thieves are
39658 ruthless in punishing little thieves.
39661 Pilots should avoid using illegal drugs.
39662 -- AOPA's Pilot's Handbook, 1988
39664 Piping down the valleys wild,
39665 Piping songs of pleasant glee,
39666 On a cloud I saw a child,
39667 And he laughing said to me:
39668 "Pipe a song about a Lamb!"
39669 So I piped with merry cheer.
39670 "Piper, pipe that song again;"
39671 So I piped: he wept to hear.
39672 -- William Blake, "Songs of Innocence"
39674 Pipo was born with few complications, but then the doctor accidentally dropped
39675 the infant on her head provoking her drunken father to drag the physician
39676 outside where he would beat him to death with a live ocelot.
39677 -- Love and Rockets
39679 PISCES (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20)
39680 You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being
39681 followed by the CIA or FBI. You have minor influence over your
39682 associates and people resent your flaunting of your power. You lack
39683 confidence and you are generally a coward. Pisces people do terrible
39684 things to small animals.
39686 PISCES (Feb. 19 to Mar. 20)
39687 Take the high road, look for the good things, carry the
39688 American Express card and a weapon. The world is yours today, as
39689 nobody else wants it. Your mortgage will be foreclosed. You will
39690 probably get run over by a bus.
39692 PISCES (Feb.19 - Mar.20)
39693 You will get some very interesting news of a promotion today.
39694 It will go to someone in the office you dislike and will be the
39695 job you wanted. Don't lend anyone a car today. You don't have
39698 Pity the meek, for they shall inherit the earth.
39702 A mischievous, magical spirit associated with screen displays.
39703 The computer industry has frequently borrowed from mythology:
39704 Witness the sprites in computer graphics, the demons in artificial
39705 intelligence, and the trolls in the marketing department.
39710 -- Prof. Michael O'Longhlin, S.U.N.Y. Purchase
39712 Plagiarize, plagiarize,
39713 Let no man's work evade your eyes,
39714 Remember why the good Lord made your eyes,
39715 Don't shade your eyes,
39716 But plagiarize, plagiarize, plagiarize.
39717 Only be sure to call it research.
39720 Planet Claire has pink hair.
39721 All the trees are red.
39722 No one ever dies there.
39723 No one has a head....
39725 Plastic... Aluminum... These are the inheritors of the Universe!
39726 Flesh and Blood have had their day... and that day is past!
39727 -- Green Lantern Comics
39729 Plato, by the way, wanted to banish all poets from his proposed Utopia
39730 because they were liars. The truth was that Plato knew philosophers
39731 couldn't compete successfully with poets.
39732 -- Kilgore Trout (Philip J. Farmer) "Venus on the Half
39735 PLATONIC FRIENDSHIP:
39736 What develops when two people get
39737 tired of making love to each other.
39739 Play Rogue, visit exotic locations, meet strange creatures and kill
39742 Playing an unamplified electric guitar is like strumming on a picnic
39744 -- Dave Barry, "The Snake"
39746 Please do not look directly into laser with remaining eye.
39748 Please don't put a strain on our friendship
39749 by asking me to do something for you.
39751 Please don't recommend me to your friends--
39752 it's difficult enough to cope with you alone.
39754 PLEASE DON'T SMOKE HERE!
39756 Penalty: An early, lingering death from cancer,
39757 emphysema, or other smoking-caused ailment.
39759 Please forgive me if, in the heat of battle,
39760 I sometimes forget which side I'm on.
39764 Please help keep the world clean: others may wish to use it.
39766 Please ignore previous fortune.
39768 Please keep your hands off the secretary's reproducing equipment.
39770 Please, Mother! I'd rather do it myself!
39772 Please remain calm, it's no use both of
39773 us being hysterical at the same time.
39775 Please stand for the National Anthem:
39777 Australian's all, let us rejoice,
39778 For we are young and free.
39779 We've golden soil and wealth for toil
39780 Our home is girt by sea.
39781 Our land abounds in nature's gifts
39782 Of beauty rich and rare.
39783 In history's page, let every stage
39784 Advance Australia Fair.
39785 In joyful strains then let us sing,
39786 Advance Australia Fair.
39788 Thank you. You may resume your seat.
39790 Please stand for the National Anthem:
39792 God save our Gracious Queen!
39793 Long live our Noble Queen!
39794 God save the Queen!
39795 Send her victorious,
39796 Happy and glorious,
39797 Long to reign o'er us!
39798 God save the Queen!
39800 Thank you. You may resume your seat.
39802 Please stand for the National Anthem:
39805 Our home and native land
39807 In all thy sons' command
39808 With glowing hearts we see thee rise
39809 The true north strong and free
39810 From far and wide, O Canada
39811 We stand on guard for thee
39812 God keep our land glorious and free
39813 O Canada we stand on guard for thee
39814 O Canada we stand on guard for thee
39816 Thank you. You may resume your seat.
39818 Please stand for the National Anthem:
39820 Oh, say can you see by dawn's early light
39821 What so proudly we hailed at the twilight's last gleaming?
39822 Whose broad stripes and bright stars through the perilous fight
39823 O'er the ramparts we watched were so gallantly streaming?
39824 And the rockets' red glare, the bombs bursting in air,
39825 Gave proof through the night that our flag was still there.
39826 Oh, say does that star-spangled banner yet wave
39827 O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave?
39829 Thank you. You may resume your seat.
39833 Please try to limit the amount of "this room doesn't have any bazingas"
39834 until you are told that those rooms are "punched out". Once punched
39835 out, we have a right to complain about atrocities, missing bazingas,
39839 Please, won't somebody tell me what diddie-wa-diddie means?
39841 PL/I -- "the fatal disease" -- belongs more to the problem set than to the
39843 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5
39845 Plots are like girdles. Hidden, they hold your interest; revealed, they're
39846 of no interest except to fetishists. Like girdles, they attempt to contain
39847 an uncontainable experience.
39853 (to Supercalifragilisticexpialidocius)
39855 Pillage, rape, and loot and burn, but all in moderation.
39856 If you do the things we say, then you'll soon rule the nation.
39857 Kill your foes and enemies and then kill your relations.
39858 Pillage, rape, and loot and burn, but all in moderation.
39860 Plus ca change, plus c'est le meme chose.
39863 Nothing is so good that somebody, somewhere, will not hate it.
39865 poisoned coffee, n:
39866 Grounds for divorce.
39868 Poland has gun control.
39870 Police: Good evening, are you the host?
39872 Police: We've been getting complaints about this party.
39873 Host: About the drugs?
39875 Host: About the guns, then? Is somebody complaining about the guns?
39876 Police: No, the noise.
39877 Host: Oh, the noise. Well that makes sense because there are no guns
39878 or drugs here. (An enormous explosion is heard in the
39879 background.) Or fireworks. Who's complaining about the noise?
39881 Police: No, the neighbors fled inland hours ago. Most of the recent
39882 complaints have come from Pittsburgh. Do you think you could
39883 ask the host to quiet things down?
39884 Host: No Problem. (At this point, a Volkswagen bug with primitive
39885 religious symbols drawn on the doors emerges from the living
39886 room and roars down the hall, past the police and onto the
39887 lawn, where it smashes into a tree. Eight guests tumble out
39888 onto the grass, moaning.) See? Things are starting to wind
39891 Political history is far too criminal a subject to be a fit thing to
39895 Political speeches are like steer horns. A point
39896 here, a point there, and a lot of bull inbetween.
39897 -- Alfred E. Neuman
39899 Political television commercials prove one thing: some candidates
39900 can tell all their good points and qualifications in just 30 seconds.
39902 Political T.V. commercials prove one thing: some candidates can tell
39903 all their good points and qualifications in just 30 seconds.
39906 An eel in the fundamental mud upon which the superstructure of
39907 organized society is reared. When he wriggles, he mistakes the
39908 agitation of his tail for the trembling of the edifice. As compared
39909 with the statesman, he suffers the disadvantage of being alive.
39910 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
39913 From the Greek "poly" ("many") and the French "tete" ("head" or
39914 "face," as in "tete-a-tete": head to head or face to face). Hence
39915 "polytetien", a person of two or more faces.
39918 Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even
39919 where there is no river.
39920 -- Nikita Khrushchev
39922 Politicians should read science fiction, not westerns and detective stories.
39923 -- Arthur C. Clarke
39925 Politicians speak for their parties, and parties never are, never have
39926 been, and never will be wrong.
39929 Politics -- the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign
39930 funds from the rich by promising to protect each from the other.
39933 Politics and the fate of mankind are formed by men without ideals and
39934 without greatness. Those who have greatness within them do not go in
39938 Politics are almost as exciting as war, and quite as
39939 dangerous. In war, you can only be killed once.
39940 -- Winston Churchill
39942 Politics, as a practice, whatever its professions, has always been the
39943 systematic organisation of hatreds.
39944 -- Henry Adams, "The Education of Henry Adams"
39946 Politics is like coaching a football team. You have to be smart enough
39947 to understand the game but not smart enough to lose interest.
39949 Politics is not the art of the possible. It consists in choosing
39950 between the disastrous and the unpalatable.
39951 -- John Kenneth Galbraith
39953 Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to
39954 realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
39957 Politics is the ability to foretell what is going to happen tomorrow, next
39958 week, next month and next year. And to have the ability afterwards to
39959 explain why it didn't happen.
39960 -- Winston Churchill
39962 Politics, like religion, hold up the
39963 torches of martyrdom to the reformers of error.
39964 -- Thomas Jefferson
39966 Politics makes strange bedfellows, and journalism makes strange politics.
39970 A strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles.
39971 The conduct of public affairs for private advantage.
39972 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
39974 Pollyanna's Educational Constant:
39975 The hyperactive child is never absent.
39980 Polymer physicists are into chains.
39983 When you pull a plastic garbage bag from its handy dispenser
39984 package, you always get hold of the closed end and try to
39987 Pope Goestheveezl was the shortest reigning pope in the history of the
39988 Church, reigning for two hours and six minutes on 1 April 1866. The
39989 white smoke had hardly faded into the blue of the Vatican skies before
39990 it dawned on the assembled multitudes in St. Peter's Square that his
39991 name had hilarious possibilities. The crowds fell about, helpless with
39993 Half a pound of tuppenny rice
39994 Half a pound of treacle
39995 That's the way the chimney smokes
39997 The square was finally cleared by armed carabinieri with tears of
39998 laughter streaming down their faces. The event set a record for
39999 hilarious civic functions, smashing the previous record set when Baron
40000 Hans Neizant B"
\bompzidaize was elected Landburgher of K"
\boln in 1653.
40001 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
40003 Populus vult decipi.
40004 [The people like to be deceived.]
40006 Porsche; there simply is no substitute.
40010 Survives system reboot.
40013 Being mistaken at the top of your voice.
40016 Mistaken at the top of one's voice.
40017 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
40019 Possessions increase to fill the space available for their storage.
40022 Post proelium, praemium.
40023 [After the battle, the reward.]
40025 Postmen never die, they just lose their zip.
40027 Potahto' Pictures Productions Presents:
40029 SPUD ROGERS OF THE 25TH CENTURY: Story of an Air Force potato that's
40030 left in a rarely used chow hall for over two centuries and wakes up in a world
40031 populated by soybean created imitations under the evil Dick Tater. Thanks to
40032 him, the soy-potatoes learn that being a 'tater is where it's at. Memorable
40033 line, "'Cause I'm just a stud spud!"
40035 FRIDAY THE 13TH DINER SERIES: Crazed potato who was left in a
40036 fryer too long and was charbroiled carelessly returns to wreak havoc on
40037 unsuspecting, would-be teen camp cooks. Scenes include a girl being stuffed
40038 with chives and Fleischman's Margarine and a boy served up on a side dish
40039 with beets and dressing. Definitely not for the squeamish, or those on
40040 diets that are driving them crazy.
40042 FRIDAY THE 13TH DINER II,III,IV,V,VI: Much, much more of the same.
40043 Except with sour cream.
40045 Potahto' Pictures Productions Presents:
40047 THE TATERNATOR: Cyborg spud returns from the future to present-day
40048 McDonald's restaurant to kill the potatoes (girl 'tater) who will give birth
40049 to the world's largest french fry (The Dark Powers of Burger King are clearly
40050 behind this). Most quotable line: "Ah'll be baked..."
40052 A FISTFUL OF FRIES: Western in which our hero, The Spud with No Name,
40053 rides into a town that's deprived of carbohydrates thanks to the evil takeover
40054 of the low-cal Scallopinni Brothers. Plenty of smokeouts, fry-em-ups, and
40055 general butter-melting by all.
40057 FOR A FEW FRIES MORE: Takes up where AFOF left off! Cameo by Walter
40058 Cronkite, as every man's common 'tater!
40060 Pound for pound, the amoeba is the most vicious animal on earth.
40063 An unfortunate state that persists as long
40064 as anyone lacks anything he would like to have.
40066 Poverty begins at home.
40068 Poverty must have its satisfactions, else there would not be so many
40072 Power and ignorance is a detestable cocktail.
40073 -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967)
40075 Power corrupts. Absolute power is kind of neat.
40076 -- John Lehman, Secretary of the Navy, 1981-1987
40078 Power corrupts. And atomic power corrupts atomically.
40080 Power corrupts. Powerpoint corrupts absolutely.
40085 Power is the finest token of affection.
40087 Power, like a desolating pestilence,
40088 Pollutes whate'er it touches...
40089 -- Percy Bysshe Shelley
40092 The only narcotic regulated by the SEC instead of the FDA.
40094 Power tends to corrupt, absolute power corrupts absolutely.
40097 PPRB -- Pillage, plunder, rape and burn.
40099 Practical people would be more practical if they would take a little
40100 more time for dreaming.
40103 Practical politics consists in ignoring facts.
40106 Practically perfect people never permit
40107 sentiment to muddle their thinking.
40110 Practice is the best of all instructors.
40113 Practice yourself what you preach.
40114 -- Titus Maccius Plautus
40117 Vast plains covered by treeless forests.
40119 Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition.
40120 -- Stephen Coonts, "The Minotaur"
40122 Praise the sea; on shore remain.
40125 Pray to God, but keep rowing to shore.
40129 To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf
40130 of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.
40131 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
40133 Predestination was doomed from the start.
40135 Prediction is very difficult, especially of the future.
40139 A vagrant opinion without visible means of support.
40140 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
40142 Premature optimization is the root of all evil.
40145 Preserve the old, but know the new.
40147 Preserve wildlife -- pickle a squirrel today!
40149 Preserve Wildlife! Throw a party today!
40151 President Reagan has noted that there are too many economic pundits and
40152 forecasters and has decided on an excess prophets tax.
40154 President Thieu says he'll quit if he doesn't get more than 50% of the
40155 vote. In a democracy, that's not called quitting.
40156 -- The Washington Post
40158 Pretend to spank me -- I'm a pseudo-masochist!
40160 Preudhomme's Law of Window Cleaning:
40161 It's on the other side.
40164 It's all a game -- play it to have fun.
40166 [Prime Minister Joseph] Chamberlain loves the working man -- he loves
40168 -- Winston Churchill
40170 [Prime Minister MacDonald] has the gift of compressing the
40171 largest amount of words into the smallest amount of thought.
40172 -- Winston Churchill
40174 Prince Hamlet thought Uncle a traitor
40175 For having it off with his Mater;
40176 Revenge Dad or not?
40177 That's the gist of the plot,
40178 And he did -- nine soliloquies later.
40179 -- Stanley J. Sharpless
40181 Princeton's taste is sweet like a strawberry tart. Harvard's is a subtle
40182 taste, like whiskey, coffee, or tobacco. It may even be a bad habit, for
40184 -- Prof. J. H. Finley '25
40187 A statement of the importance of a user or a program. Often
40188 expressed as a relative priority, indicating that the user doesn't
40189 care when the work is completed so long as he is treated less
40190 badly than someone else.
40192 Prisons are built with stones of Law, brothels with bricks of Religion.
40195 Prizes are for children.
40197 upon being given, but refusing, the Pulitzer prize
40199 Pro is to con as progress is to Congress.
40201 Probable-Possible, my black hen,
40202 She lays eggs in the Relative When.
40203 She doesn't lay eggs in the Positive Now
40204 Because she's unable to postulate how.
40205 -- Frederick Winsor
40207 Probably the question asked most often is: Do one-celled animals have
40208 orgasms? The answer is yes, they have orgasms almost constantly, which
40209 is why they don't mind living in pools of warm slime.
40210 -- Dave Barry, "Sex and the Single Amoeba: What Every
40214 A man who never buys.
40216 Producers seem to be so prejudiced against actors who've had no training.
40217 And there's no reason for it. So what if I didn't attend the Royal Academy
40218 for twelve years? I'm still a professional trying to be the best actress
40219 I can. Why doesn't anyone send me the scripts that Faye Dunaway gets?
40220 -- Farrah Fawcett-Majors
40222 Prof: So the American government went to IBM to come up with a data
40223 encryption standard and they came up with ...
40226 Profanity is the one language all programmers know best.
40228 Professor Gorden Newell threw another shutout in last week's Chem Eng. 130
40229 midterm. Once again a student did not receive a single point on his exam.
40230 Newell has now tossed 5 shutouts this quarter. Newell's earned exam average
40231 has now dropped to a phenomenal 30%.
40234 Any task that can't be completed in one telephone call or one
40235 day. Once a task is defined as a program ("training program,"
40236 "sales program," or "marketing program"), its implementation
40237 always justifies hiring at least three more people.
40240 A magic spell cast over a computer allowing it to turn one's input
40241 into error messages. tr.v. To engage in a pastime similar to banging
40242 one's head against a wall, but with fewer opportunities for reward.
40244 Programmers do it bit by bit.
40246 Programmers used to batch environments may find it hard to live
40247 without giant listings; we would find it hard to use them.
40248 -- Dennis M. Ritchie
40250 Programming Department:
40251 Mistakes made while you wait.
40253 Programming is an unnatural act.
40255 Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to
40256 build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying
40257 to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.
40261 Medieval man thought disease was caused by invisible demons
40262 invading the body and taking possession of it.
40264 Modern man knows disease is caused by microscopic bacteria
40265 and viruses invading the body and causing it to malfunction.
40267 Progress is impossible without change, and those who
40268 cannot change their minds cannot change anything.
40269 -- George Bernard Shaw
40271 Progress means replacing a theory that
40272 is wrong with one more subtly wrong.
40274 Progress might have been all right once, but it's gone on too long.
40277 Progress was all right. Only it went on too long.
40280 Promise her anything, but give her Exxon unleaded.
40282 Promising costs nothing, it's the delivering that kills you.
40284 PROMOTION FROM WITHIN:
40285 A system of moving incompetents up to the policy-making
40286 level where they can't foul up operations.
40288 Promptness is its own reward, if one lives by the clock instead of the sword.
40290 Proof techniques #1: Proof by Induction.
40292 This technique is used on equations with "_
\bn" in them. Induction
40293 techniques are very popular, even the military used them.
40295 SAMPLE: Proof of induction without proof of induction.
40297 We know it's true for _
\bn equal to 1. Now assume that it's true
40298 for every natural number less than _
\bn. _
\bN is arbitrary, so we can take _
\bn
40299 as large as we want. If _
\bn is sufficiently large, the case of _
\bn+1 is
40300 trivially equivalent, so the only important _
\bn are _
\bn less than _
\bn. We
40301 can take _
\bn = _
\bn (from above), so it's true for _
\bn+1 because it's just
40303 QED. (QED translates from the Latin as "So what?")
40305 Proof techniques #2: Proof by Oddity.
40306 SAMPLE: To prove that horses have an infinite number of legs.
40307 (1) Horses have an even number of legs.
40308 (2) They have two legs in back and fore legs in front.
40309 (3) This makes a total of six legs, which certainly is an odd number of
40311 (4) But the only number that is both odd and even is infinity.
40312 (5) Therefore, horses must have an infinite number of legs.
40314 Topics to be covered in future issues include proof by:
40316 Gesticulation (handwaving)
40318 Constipation (I was just sitting there and ...)
40320 Changing all the 2's to _
\bn's
40322 Lack of a counterexample, and
40323 "It stands to reason"
40325 Proper treatment will cure a cold in seven days,
40326 but left to itself, a cold will hang on for a week.
40329 Proposed Additions to the PDP-11 Instruction Set:
40331 BBW Branch Both Ways
40332 BEW Branch Either Way
40333 BBBF Branch on Bit Bucket Full
40335 BMR Branch Multiple Registers
40337 BPO Branch on Power Off
40338 BST Backspace and Stretch Tape
40339 CDS Condense and Destroy System
40340 CLBR Clobber Register
40341 CLBRI Clobber Register Immediately
40342 CM Circulate Memory
40343 CMFRM Come From -- essential for truly structured programming
40344 CPPR Crumple Printer Paper and Rip
40345 CRN Convert to Roman Numerals
40347 Proposed Additions to the PDP-11 Instruction Set:
40349 DC Divide and Conquer
40350 DMPK Destroy Memory Protect Key
40351 DO Divide and Overflow
40352 EMPC Emulate Pocket Calculator
40353 EPI Execute Programmer Immediately
40354 EROS Erase Read Only Storage
40355 EXCE Execute Customer Engineer
40356 HCF Halt and Catch Fire
40357 IBP Insert Bug and Proceed
40358 INSQSW Insert into queue somewhere (for FINO queues [First in never out])
40359 PBC Print and Break Chain
40362 Proposed Additions to the PDP-11 Instruction Set:
40365 POPI Punch Operator Immediately
40366 PVLC Punch Variable Length Card
40367 RASC Read And Shred Card
40368 RPM Read Programmers Mind
40369 RSSC Reduce Speed, Step Carefully (for improved accuracy)
40370 RTAB Rewind Tape and Break
40372 RWOC Read Writing On Card
40373 SCRBL Scribble to disk - faster than a write
40374 SLC Search for Lost Chord
40375 SPSW Scramble Program Status Word
40376 SRSD Seek Record and Scar Disk
40377 STROM Store in Read Only Memory
40378 TDB Transfer and Drop Bit
40379 WBT Water Binary Tree
40381 Prosperity makes friends, adversity tries them.
40384 Prototype designs always work.
40388 First stage in the life cycle of a computer product, followed by
40389 pre-alpha, alpha, beta, release version, corrected release version,
40390 upgrade, corrected upgrade, etc. Unlike its successors, the
40391 prototype is not expected to work.
40393 "Protozoa are small, and bacteria are small, but viruses are smaller
40394 than the both put together."
40396 Providence New Jersey is one of the few cities
40397 where Velveeta cheese appears on the gourmet shelf.
40399 Prunes give you a run for your money.
40401 Pryor's Observation:
40402 How long you live has nothing to do
40403 with how long you are going to be dead.
40405 Psychiatrists say that one out of four people are mentally ill. Check
40406 three friends. If they're OK, you're it.
40408 Psychiatry enables us to correct our faults by confessing our parents'
40410 -- Dr. Laurence J. Peter, "Peter's Principles"
40412 Psychics will soon lead dogs to your body.
40414 Psychoanalysis is that mental illness for which it regards itself
40418 Psychiatry is the care of the id by the odd.
40420 Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.
40424 Someone who watches everyone else when an attractive woman walks
40427 Psychologists think they're experimental psychologists.
40428 Experimental psychologists think they're biologists.
40429 Biologists think they're biochemists.
40430 Biochemists think they're chemists.
40431 Chemists think they're physical chemists.
40432 Physical chemists think they're physicists.
40433 Physicists think they're theoretical physicists.
40434 Theoretical physicists think they're mathematicians.
40435 Mathematicians think they're metamathematicians.
40436 Metamathematicians think they're philosophers.
40437 Philosophers think they're gods.
40439 Psychology. Mind over matter.
40440 Mind under matter? It doesn't matter.
40443 Psychotherapy is the theory that the patient will probably get well
40444 anyhow and is certainly a damn fool.
40447 Public use of any portable music system is a
40448 virtually guaranteed indicator of sociopathic tendencies.
40451 Publishing a volume of verse is like dropping
40452 a rose petal down the Grand Canyon and waiting for the echo.
40455 Anything that begins well will end badly.
40456 (Note: The converse of Pudder's law is not true.)
40458 Punning is the worst vice, and there's no vice versa.
40460 Puns are little "plays on words" that a certain breed of person loves
40461 to spring on you and then look at you in a certain self-satisfied way
40462 to indicate that he thinks that you must think that he is by far the
40463 cleverest person on Earth now that Benjamin Franklin is dead, when in
40464 fact what you are thinking is that if this person ever ends up in a
40465 lifeboat, the other passengers will hurl him overboard by the end of
40466 the first day even if they have plenty of food and water.
40467 -- Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny"
40469 Pure drivel tends to drive ordinary drivel off the TV screen.
40474 Someone who is deathly afraid that
40475 someone, somewhere, is having fun.
40477 Puritanism -- the haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.
40478 -- H. L. Mencken, "A Book of Burlesques"
40481 To take something off the grocery shelf, decide you
40482 don't want it, and then put it in another section.
40483 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
40485 Push where it gives and scratch where it itches.
40487 Pushing 30 is exercise enough.
40489 Pushing 40 is exercise enough.
40491 Put a pot of chili on the stove to simmer.
40492 Let it simmer. Meanwhile, broil a good steak.
40493 Eat the steak. Let the chili simmer. Ignore it.
40494 -- Recipe for chili from Allan Shrivers, former governor
40497 Put a rogue in the limelight and he will act like an honest man.
40498 -- Napoleon Bonaparte, "Maxims"
40500 Put all your eggs in one basket and -- WATCH THAT BASKET.
40503 Put another password in,
40504 Bomb it out, then try again.
40505 Try to get past logging in,
40506 We're hacking, hacking, hacking.
40508 Try his first wife's maiden name,
40509 This is more than just a game.
40510 It's real fun, but just the same,
40511 It's hacking, hacking, hacking.
40513 Put cats in the coffee and mice in the tea!
40515 Put no trust in cryptic comments.
40517 Put not your trust in money, but put your money in trust.
40519 Put your best foot forward.
40520 Or just call in and say you're sick.
40522 Put your brain in gear before starting your mouth in motion.
40524 Put your Nose to the Grindstone!
40525 -- Amalgamated Plastic Surgeons and Toolmakers, Ltd.
40527 Put your trust in those who are worthy.
40530 Technology is dominated by two types of people:
40531 Those who understand what they do not manage.
40532 Those who manage what they do not understand.
40534 Pyro's of the world... IGNITE !!!
40539 Q: Do you know what the death rate around here is?
40542 Q: Have you heard about the man who didn't pay for his exorcism?
40543 A: He got re-possessed!
40545 Q: How can we get the Beatles to reunite for one more concert?
40546 A: With three more bullets.
40548 Q: How can you tell if an elephant is having an affair with
40550 A: You have to wait 22 months.
40552 Q: How can you tell if an elephant is sitting on your back
40554 A: You can hear his ears flapping in the wind.
40556 Q: How can you tell when a Burroughs salesman is lying?
40557 A: When his lips move.
40559 Q: How did the elephant get to the top of the oak tree?
40560 A: He sat on an acorn and waited for spring.
40562 Q: But how did he get back down?
40563 A: He crawled out on a leaf and waited for autumn.
40565 Q: How did you get into artificial intelligence?
40566 A: Seemed logical -- I didn't have any real intelligence.
40568 Q: How do you catch a unique rabbit?
40569 A: Unique up on it!
40571 Q: How do you catch a tame rabbit?
40574 Q: How do you keep a moron in suspense?
40576 Q: How do you keep an Aggie busy at a terminal?
40577 A: While he's not looking, switch it to "local".
40579 Q: How do you know when you're in the <ethnic> section of Vermont?
40580 A: The maple sap buckets are hanging on utility poles.
40582 Q: How do you make an elephant float?
40583 A: You get two scoops of elephant and some rootbeer...
40585 Q: How do you save a drowning lawyer?
40586 A: Throw him a rock.
40588 Q: How do you shoot a blue elephant?
40589 A: With a blue-elephant gun.
40591 Q: How do you shoot a pink elephant?
40592 A: Twist its trunk until it turns blue, then shoot it with
40593 a blue-elephant gun.
40595 Q: How do you stop an elephant from charging?
40596 A: Take away his credit cards.
40598 Q: How does a hacker fix a function which
40599 doesn't work for all of the elements in its domain?
40600 A: He changes the domain.
40602 Q: How does a single woman in New York get rid of cockroaches?
40603 A: She asks them for a commitment.
40605 Q: How does a WASP propose marriage?
40606 A: "How would you like to be buried with my people?"
40608 Q: How many Bell Labs Vice Presidents does it take to change a light bulb?
40609 A: That's proprietary information. Answer available from AT&T on payment
40610 of license fee (binary only).
40612 Q: How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?
40613 A: Two. One to assure everyone that everything possible is being
40614 done while the other screws the bulb into the water faucet.
40616 Q: How many Californians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
40617 A: Five. One to screw in the lightbulb and four to share the
40618 experience. (Actually, Californians don't screw in
40619 lightbulbs, they screw in hot tubs.)
40621 Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
40622 A: Three. One to screw in the lightbulb and two to fend off all
40623 those Californians trying to share the experience.
40625 Q: How many college football players does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
40626 A: Only one, but he gets three credits for it.
40628 Q: How many DEC repairmen does it take to fix a flat?
40629 A: Five; four to hold the car up and one to swap tires.
40631 Q: How long does it take?
40632 A: It's indeterminate. It will depend upon how many flats they've
40635 Q: What happens if you've got TWO flats?
40636 A: They replace your generator.
40638 Q: How many Democrats does it take to enjoy a good joke?
40639 A: One more than you can find.
40641 Q: How many elephants can you fit in a VW Bug?
40642 A: Four. Two in the front, two in the back.
40644 Q: How can you tell if an elephant is in your refrigerator?
40645 A: There's a footprint in the mayo.
40647 Q: How can you tell if two elephants are in your refrigerator?
40648 A: There's two footprints in the mayo.
40650 Q: How can you tell if three elephants are in your refrigerator?
40651 A: The door won't shut.
40653 Q: How can you tell if four elephants are in your refrigerator?
40654 A: There's a VW Bug in your driveway.
40656 Q: How many existentialists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
40657 A: Two. One to screw it in and one to observe how the lightbulb
40658 itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective
40659 reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward
40660 a maudlin cosmos of nothingness.
40662 Q: How many hardware engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
40663 A: None. We'll fix it in software.
40665 Q: How many system programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
40666 A: None. The application can work around it.
40668 Q: How many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
40669 A: None. We'll document it in the manual.
40671 Q: How many tech writers does it take to change a lightbulb?
40672 A: None. The user can figure it out.
40674 Q: How many Harvard MBAs does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
40675 A: Just one. He grasps it firmly and the universe revolves around him.
40677 Q: How many heterosexual males does it take to screw in a light bulb
40681 Q: How many IBM 370s does it take to execute a job?
40682 A: Four, three to hold it down, and one to rip its head off.
40684 Q: How many IBM CPUs does it take to do a logical right shift?
40685 A: 33. 1 to hold the bits and 32 to push the register.
40687 Q: How many IBM CPUs does it take to execute a job?
40688 A: Four; three to hold it down, and one to rip its head off.
40690 Q: How many IBM types does it take to change a light bulb?
40691 A: 100. Ten to do it, and 90 to write document number GC7500439-0001,
40692 Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility, of which 10% of
40693 the pages state only "This page intentionally left blank", and 20%
40694 of the definitions are of the form "A ...... consists of sequences
40695 of non-blank characters separated by blanks".
40697 Q: How many IBM types does it take to change a light bulb?
40698 A: Fifteen. One to do it, and fourteen to write document number
40699 GC7500439-0001, Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility,
40700 of which 10% of the pages state only "This page intentionally
40701 left blank", and 20% of the definitions are of the form "A:.....
40702 consists of sequences of non-blank characters separated by blanks".
40704 Q: How many journalists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
40705 A: Three. One to report it as an inspired government program to bring
40706 light to the people, one to report it as a diabolical government
40707 plot to deprive the poor of darkness, and one to win a Pulitzer
40708 prize for reporting that Electric Company hired a lightbulb
40709 assassin to break the bulb in the first place.
40711 Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
40712 A: One. Only it's his light bulb when he's done.
40714 Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
40715 A: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", and the
40716 party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith
40717 agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part shall be removed
40718 from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed
40719 upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of
40720 the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entryway, terminating
40721 at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of
40722 the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the
40723 second part and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the
40725 The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be
40726 limited to, the following. The party of the first part shall, with or without
40727 elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other
40728 means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part and rotate the party
40729 of the second part in a counter-clockwise direction, this point being tendered
40730 non-negotiable. Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part
40731 becomes fully detached from the receptacle, the party of the first part shall
40732 have the option of disposing of the party of the second part in a manner
40733 consistent with all relevant and applicable local, state and federal statutes.
40734 Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part
40735 shall have the option of beginning installation. Aforesaid installation shall
40736 occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in
40737 step one of this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation
40738 should occur in a clockwise direction, this point also being non-negotiable.
40739 The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the
40740 first part, by any or all agents authorized by him, the objective being to
40741 produce the most possible revenue for the Partnership.
40743 Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
40744 A: You won't find a lawyer who can change a light bulb. Now, if
40745 you're looking for a lawyer to screw a light bulb...
40747 Q: How many marketing people does it take to change a lightbulb?
40748 A: I'll have to get back to you on that.
40750 Q: How many Martians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
40753 Q: How many Marxists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
40754 A: None: The lightbulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.
40756 Q: How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
40757 A: One. He gives it to six Californians, thereby reducing the problem
40758 to the earlier joke.
40760 Q: How many members of the U.S.S. Enterprise does it take to change a
40762 A: Seven. Scotty has to report to Captain Kirk that the light bulb in
40763 the Engineering Section is getting dim, at which point Kirk will send
40764 Bones to pronounce the bulb dead (although he'll immediately claim
40765 that he's a doctor, not an electrician). Scotty, after checking
40766 around, realizes that they have no more new light bulbs, and complains
40767 that he "canna" see in the dark. Kirk will make an emergency stop at
40768 the next uncharted planet, Alpha Regula IV, to procure a light bulb
40769 from the natives, who, are friendly, but seem to be hiding something.
40770 Kirk, Spock, Bones, Yeoman Rand and two red shirt security officers
40771 beam down to the planet, where the two security officers are promptly
40772 killed by the natives, and the rest of the landing party is captured.
40773 As something begins to develop between the Captain and Yeoman Rand,
40774 Scotty, back in orbit, is attacked by a Klingon destroyer and must
40775 warp out of orbit. Although badly outgunned, he cripples the Klingon
40776 and races back to the planet in order to rescue Kirk et. al. who have
40777 just saved the natives' from an awful fate and, as a reward, been
40778 given all lightbulbs they can carry. The new bulb is then inserted
40779 and the Enterprise continues on its five year mission.
40781 Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
40782 A: Three. One to screw in the lightbulb and two to fend off all those
40783 Californians trying to share the experience.
40785 Q: How many people from New Jersey does it take to change a light
40787 A: Three. One to do it, one to watch, and the third to shoot the
40790 Q: How many pre-med's does it take to change a lightbulb?
40791 A: Five: One to change the bulb and four to pull the ladder
40792 out from under him.
40794 Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
40795 A: Only one, but it takes a long time, and the light bulb has
40796 to really want to change.
40798 Q: How many Romulans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
40799 A: Twelve. One to screw the light-bulb in, and eleven to
40800 self-destruct the ship out of disgrace.
40802 [Warning: do not tell this joke to Romulans or else be ready for
40803 a fight. They consider it to be a disgrace, though it's
40804 pretty good for a LBJ. Ed.]
40806 Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
40807 A: Two. One to hold the giraffe and the other to fill the bathtub
40808 with brightly colored machine tools.
40810 Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
40811 A: Two, one to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the bathtub
40812 with brightly colored machine tools.
40814 [Surrealist jokes just aren't my cup of fur. Ed.]
40816 Q: How many WASPs does it take to change a lightbulb?
40819 Q: How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
40820 A: None. The Universe spins the bulb, and the Zen master stays out
40823 Q: How much does it cost to ride the Unibus?
40826 Q: How was Thomas J. Watson buried?
40829 Q: Know what the difference between your latest project
40830 and putting wings on an elephant is?
40831 A: Who knows? The elephant *might* fly, heh, heh...
40833 Q: Minnesotans ask, "Why aren't there more pharmacists from Alabama?"
40834 A: Easy. It's because they can't figure out how to get the little
40835 bottles into the typewriter.
40837 Q: Somebody just posted that Roman Polanski directed Star Wars.
40839 A: Post the correct answer at once! We can't have people go on
40840 believing that! Very good of you to spot this. You'll probably
40841 be the only one to make the correction, so post as soon as you
40842 can. No time to lose, so certainly don't wait a day, or check to
40843 see if somebody else has made the correction. And it's not good
40844 enough to send the message by mail. Since you're the only one who
40845 really knows that it was Francis Coppola, you have to inform the
40846 whole net right away!
40847 -- Brad Templeton, "Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions
40850 Q: Somebody just posted that Roman Polanski directed Star Wars. What
40852 A: Post the correct answer at once! We can't have people go on
40853 believing that! Very good of you to spot this. You'll probably be
40854 the only one to make the correction, so post as soon as you can. No
40855 time to lose, so certainly don't wait a day, or check to see if
40856 somebody else has made the correction.
40858 And it's not good enough to send the message by mail. Since you're
40859 the only one who really knows that it was Francis Coppola, you have
40860 to inform the whole net right away!
40861 -- Brad Templeton, "Emily Postnews Answers Your
40862 Questions on Netiquette"
40864 Q: What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill?
40865 A: "The elephants are coming over the hill."
40867 Q: What did he say when saw them coming over the hill wearing
40869 A: Nothing, for he didn't recognize them.
40871 Q: What do a blonde and your computer have in common?
40872 A: You don't know how much either of them mean to you until
40873 they go down on you.
40875 Q: What's the advantage to being married to a blonde?
40876 A: You can park in the handicapped zone.
40878 Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw
40879 puzzle in only 6 months?
40880 A: Because on the box it said "From 2-4 years".
40882 Q: What do little WASPs want to be when they grow up?
40883 A: The very best person they can possibly be.
40885 Q: What do monsters eat?
40888 Q: What do monsters drink?
40889 A: Coke. (Because Things go better with Coke.)
40891 Q: What do they call the alphabet in Arkansas?
40892 A: The impossible dream.
40894 Q: What do WASPs do instead of making love?
40895 A: Rule the country.
40897 Q: What do Winnie the Pooh and John the Baptist have in common?
40898 A: The same middle name.
40900 Q: What do you call 15 blondes in a circle?
40903 Q: Why do blondes put their hair in ponytails?
40904 A: To cover up the valve stem.
40906 Q: What do you call a blind pre-historic animal?
40907 A: Diyathinkhesaurus.
40909 Q: What do you call a blind pre-historic animal with a dog?
40910 A: Diyathinkhesaurus Rex.
40912 Q: What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?
40915 Q: What do you call a brunette between two blondes?
40918 Q: Why do blondes have square breasts?
40919 A: They forgot to take the tissues out of the box.
40921 Q: What do you call ten blonds in a row?
40924 Q: What do you call a dog with no legs?
40925 A: What does it matter? He can't come anyway.
40927 [I got a dog with no legs -- I call him Cigarette.
40928 Every night, I take him out for a drag. Ed.]
40930 Q: What do you call a group of kids with low IQs, drinking diet cola,
40931 eating fruit, and singing?
40932 A: The Moron Tab and Apple Choir.
40934 Q: What do you call a half-dozen Indians with Asian flu?
40935 A: Six sick Sikhs (sic).
40937 Q: What do you call a million cats at the bottom of Lake Michigan?
40940 Q: What do you call a principal female opera singer whose high C
40941 is lower than those of other principal female opera singers?
40944 Q: What do you call a TV set that fixes itself?
40945 A: A Christian Science Monitor.
40947 Q: What do you call a WASP who doesn't work for his father, isn't a
40948 lawyer, and believes in social causes?
40951 Q: What do you call the money you pay to the government when
40952 you ride into the country on the back of an elephant?
40955 Q: What do you call the scratches that you get when a female
40959 Q: What do you get when you cross a mobster with an international standard?
40960 A: You get someone who makes you an offer that you can't understand!
40962 Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with an attorney?
40963 A: An offer you can't understand.
40965 Q: What do you get when you stuff a flaming stick down a rabbit-hole?
40966 A: Hot cross bunnies!
40968 Q: What do you have when you have a lawyer buried up to his neck in sand?
40969 A: Not enough sand.
40971 Q: What does a blonde do first thing in the morning?
40974 Q: Why does a blonde have fur on the hem of her dress?
40975 A: To keep her neck warm.
40977 Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Monday?
40978 A: Tell her a joke on Friday.
40980 Q: What does a WASP Mom make for dinner?
40981 A: A crisp salad, a hearty soup, a lovely entree, followed by
40982 a delicious dessert.
40984 Q: What does it say on the bottom of Coke cans in North Dakota?
40987 Q: What goes: Sis! Boom! Baaaaah!
40988 A: Exploding sheep.
40990 Q: What happens when four WASPs find themselves in the same room?
40993 Q: What is green and lives in the ocean?
40996 Q: What is it that a cow has four of and a woman has two of?
40999 Q: What is orange and goes "click, click?"
41000 A: A ball point carrot.
41002 Q: What is printed on the bottom of beer bottles in Minnesota?
41005 Q: What is purple and commutes?
41006 A: A boolean grape.
41008 Q: What is purple and commutes?
41009 A: An Abelian grape.
41011 Q: What is purple and concord the world?
41012 A: Alexander the Grape.
41014 Q: What is the burning question on the mind of every dyslexic
41018 Q: What is the difference between a duck?
41019 A: One leg is both the same.
41021 Q: What is the difference between Texas and yogurt?
41022 A: Yogurt has culture.
41024 Q: What is the last thing a Kansas stripper takes off?
41025 A: Her bowling shoes.
41027 Q: What is the mating call of a blonde?
41028 A: I think I'm drunk.
41030 Q: What's the call of a disappointed blonde?
41031 A: I *said*, I *think* I'm drunk!
41033 Q: What is the mating call of the ugly blonde?
41034 A: (Screaming) "I said: I'm drunk!"
41036 Q: What is the sound of one cat napping?
41039 Q: What lies on the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
41040 A: A nervous wreck.
41042 Q: What looks like a cat, flies like a bat, brays like a donkey, and
41043 plays like a monkey?
41046 Q: What's a light-year?
41047 A: One-third less calories than a regular year.
41049 Q: What's black and white and red all over?
41050 A: Two nuns in a chainsaw fight.
41052 Q: What's bruised, bleeding, and lies in a ditch?
41053 A: Somebody who tells Aggie jokes.
41055 Q: What's tan and black and looks great on a lawyer?
41058 Q: What's the Blonde's cheer?
41059 A: I'm blonde, I'm blonde, I'm B.L.O.N... ah, oh well..
41060 I'm blonde, I'm blonde, yea yea yea...
41062 Q: What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette?
41063 A: Artificial intelligence.
41065 Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?
41066 A: Shine a flashlight in their ear.
41068 Q: What's the capital of Canada?
41071 Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead
41072 lawyer in the road?
41073 A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.
41075 Q: What's the difference between a duck and an elephant?
41076 A: You can't get down off an elephant.
41078 Q: What's the difference between a Mac and an Etch-a-Sketch?
41079 A: You don't have to shake the Mac to clear the screen.
41081 Q: What's the difference between a RHU cheerleader and a whale?
41084 Q: What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish wake?
41087 Q: What's the difference between Bell Labs and the Boy Scouts of America?
41088 A: The Boy Scouts have adult supervision.
41090 Q: What's the difference between Los Angeles and yogurt?
41091 A: Yogurt has a living, active culture.
41093 Q: What's the difference between USL and the Graf Zeppelin?
41094 A: The Graf Zeppelin represented cutting edge technology for its time.
41096 Q: What's the difference between USL and the Titanic?
41097 A: The Titanic had a band.
41099 Q: What's tiny and yellow and very, very, dangerous?
41100 A: A canary with the super-user password.
41102 Q: What's yellow, and equivalent to the Axiom of Choice?
41105 Q: Where's the Lone Ranger take his garbage?
41106 A: To the dump, to the dump, to the dump dump dump!
41108 Q: What's the Pink Panther say when he steps on an ant hill?
41109 A: Dead ant, dead ant, dead ant dead ant dead ant...
41111 Q: Who cuts the grass on Walton's Mountain?
41114 Q: Why are Jewish divorces so expensive?
41115 A: Because they're worth it!
41117 Q: Why did the astrophysicist order three hamburgers?
41118 A: Because he was hungry.
41120 Q: Why did the blonde climb over the glass wall?
41121 A: To see what was on the other side.
41123 Q: Why do blondes like tilt steering wheels?
41126 Q: How does a blonde turn on the light after having sex?
41127 A: She opens the car door.
41129 Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
41130 A: He was giving it last rites.
41132 Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
41133 A: To see his friend Gregory peck.
41135 Q: Why did the chicken cross the playground?
41136 A: To get to the other slide.
41138 Q: Why did the germ cross the microscope?
41139 A: To get to the other slide.
41141 Q: Why did the lone ranger kill Tonto?
41142 A: He found out what "kemosabe" really means.
41144 Q: Why did the mathematician name his dog "Cauchy"?
41145 A: Because he left a residue at every pole.
41147 Q: Why did the programmer call his mother long distance?
41148 A: Because that was her name.
41150 Q: Why did the tachyon cross the road?
41151 A: Because it was on the other side.
41153 Q: Why did the WASP cross the road?
41154 A: To get to the middle.
41156 Q: Why do ducks have big flat feet?
41157 A: To stamp out forest fires.
41159 Q: Why do elephants have big flat feet?
41160 A: To stamp out flaming ducks.
41162 Q: Why do ducks have flat feet?
41163 A: To stamp out forest fires.
41165 Q: Why do elephants have flat feet?
41166 A: To stamp out flaming ducks.
41168 Q: Why do firemen wear red suspenders?
41169 A: To conform with departmental regulations concerning uniform dress.
41171 Q: Why do mountain climbers rope themselves together?
41172 A: To prevent the sensible ones from going home.
41174 Q: Why do people who live near Niagara Falls have flat foreheads?
41175 A: Because every morning they wake up thinking "What *is* that noise?
41176 Oh, right, *of course*!
41178 Q: Why do the police always travel in threes?
41179 A: One to do the reading, one to do the writing, and the other keeps
41180 an eye on the two intellectuals.
41182 Q: Why does Washington have the most lawyers per capita and
41183 New Jersey the most toxic waste dumps?
41184 A: God gave New Jersey first choice.
41186 Q: Why don't blondes eat pickles?
41187 A: Because they get their head stuck in the jars.
41189 Q: Why do blondes wear underwear?
41190 A: To keep their ankles warm.
41192 Q: How do you kill a blonde?
41193 A: Put spikes in her shoulder pads.
41195 Q: Why don't lawyers go to the beach?
41196 A: The cats keep trying to bury them.
41198 Q: Why don't Scotsmen ever have coffee the way they like it?
41199 A: Well, they like it with two lumps of sugar. If they drink
41200 it at home, they only take one, and if they drink it while
41201 visiting, they always take three.
41203 Q: Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?
41204 A: You do all of the work and the fat guy in the suit
41205 gets all the credit.
41207 Q: Why is it that the more accuracy you demand from an interpolation
41208 function, the more expensive it becomes to compute?
41209 A: That's the Law of Spline Demand.
41211 Q: Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks?
41212 A: It takes too long to retrain them.
41214 Q: What's the mating call of the brunette?
41215 A: All the blondes have gone home!
41217 Q: How do you tell if a blonde's been using the computer?
41218 A: There's white-out on the screen.
41220 Q: Why should you always serve a Southern Carolina football man
41222 A: 'Cause if you give him a bowl, he'll throw it away.
41224 Q: Why was Stonehenge abandoned?
41225 A: It wasn't IBM compatible.
41230 "A child of 5 could understand this! Fetch me a child of 5."
41233 "A university faculty is 500 egotists with a common parking problem."
41236 All I want is a little more than I'll ever get.
41239 All I want is more than my fair share.
41242 "Dead people are good at running because they don't
41243 have to stop and breathe."
41244 -- Hokey, watching "Night of the Living Dead"
41247 "Don't let your mind wander -- it's too little to be let out alone."
41250 "East is east... and let's keep it that way."
41253 "Every morning I read the obituaries; if my name's not there,
41257 Everything I am today I owe to people, whom it is now
41261 Flash! Flash! I love you! ...but we only have fourteen hours to
41265 "He eats like a bird... five times his own weight each day."
41268 "Her other car is a broom."
41271 "He's a perfectionist. If he married Raquel Welch, he'd expect
41275 "He's such a hick he doesn't even have a trapeze in his bedroom."
41278 How can I miss you if you won't go away?
41281 "I ain't broke, but I'm badly bent."
41284 "I am not sure what this is, but an `F' would only dignify it."
41287 "I don't think they could put him in a mental hospital. On the
41288 other hand, if he were already in, I don't think they'd let him out."
41291 "I drive my car quietly, for it goes without saying."
41294 "I haven't come far enough, and don't call me baby."
41297 I looked out my window, and saw Kyle Pettys' car upside down,
41298 then I thought, "One of us is in real trouble."
41299 -- Davey Allison, on a 150 m.p.h. crash
41302 I love your outfit, does it come in your size?
41305 "I may not be able to walk, but I drive from the sitting position."
41308 "I only touch base with reality on an as-needed basis!"
41311 I opened Pandora's box, let the cat out of the bag and put the
41312 ball in their court.
41313 -- Hon. J. Hacker (The Ministry of Administrative Affairs)
41316 "I sprinkled some baking powder over a couple of potatoes, but it
41320 "I thought I saw a unicorn on the way over, but it was just a
41321 horse with one of the horns broken off."
41324 "I treat her like a thoroughbred, and she's STILL a nag!"
41327 "I tried buying a goat instead of a lawn tractor; had to return
41328 it though. Couldn't figure out a way to connect the snow blower."
41331 "I used to be an idealist, but I got mugged by reality."
41334 "I used to be lost in the shuffle, now I just shuffle along with
41338 "I used to get high on life but lately I've built up a resistance."
41341 "I used to go to UCLA, but then my Dad got a job."
41344 "I used to jog, but the ice kept bouncing out of my glass."
41347 "I want a home, a family, an occasional spanking ..."
41351 "I won't say he's untruthful, but his wife has to call the
41355 "I'd never marry a woman who didn't like pizza. I might play
41356 golf with her, but I wouldn't marry her."
41359 "If he learns from his mistakes, pretty soon he'll know everything."
41362 "If I could walk that way, I wouldn't need the aftershave."
41365 "If I'm what I eat, I'm a chocolate chip cookie."
41368 If it's too loud, you're too old.
41371 "If you keep an open mind people will throw a lot of garbage in it."
41374 If you're looking for trouble, I can offer you a wide selection.
41377 "I'll listen to reason when it comes out on CD."
41380 "I'm just a boy named `su'..."
41383 I'm not a nerd -- I'm "socially challenged".
41386 I'm not bald -- I'm "hair challenged".
41388 [I thought that was "differently haired". Ed.]
41391 "I'm not really for apathy, but I'm not against it either..."
41394 "I'm on a seafood diet -- I see food and I eat it."
41397 "In the shopping mall of the mind, he's in the toy department."
41400 "It seems to me that your antenna doesn't bring in too many
41404 "It was so cold last winter that I saw a lawyer with his
41405 hands in his own pockets."
41408 "It wouldn't have been anything, even if it were gonna be a thing."
41411 "It's a cold bowl of chili, when love don't work out."
41414 "It's a dog-eat-dog world, and I'm wearing Milk Bone underwear."
41417 "It's been Monday all week today."
41420 "It's been real and it's been fun, but it hasn't been real fun."
41423 "It's hard to tell whether he has an ace up his sleeve or if
41424 the ace is missing from his deck altogether."
41427 "It's men like him that give the Y chromosome a bad name."
41430 "It's not the despair... I can stand the despair. It's the hope."
41433 "It's sort of a threat, you see. I've never been very good at
41434 them myself, but I'm told they can be very effective."
41437 "I've always wanted to work in the Federal Mint. And then go on
41438 strike. To make less money."
41441 "I've got one last thing to say before I go; give me back
41445 I've heard about civil Engineers, but I've never met one.
41448 "I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing
41452 "Just how much can I get away with and still go to heaven?"
41455 Lack of planning on your part doesn't constitute an emergency
41460 -- Gary Gilmore, to his firing squad
41463 "Like this rose, our love will wilt and die."
41466 Ludwig Boltzmann, who spend much of his life studying statistical
41467 mechanics died in 1906 by his own hand. Paul Ehrenfest, carrying
41468 on the work, died similarly in 1933. Now it is our turn.
41469 -- Goodstein, States of Matter
41472 Money isn't everything, but at least it keeps the kids in touch.
41475 "My ambition is to marry a rich woman who's too proud to let
41479 "My life is a soap opera, but who gets the movie rights?"
41482 My mother was the travel agent for guilt trips.
41485 "My shampoo lasts longer than my relationships."
41488 "Of course it's the murder weapon. Who would frame someone with
41492 "Of course there's no reason for it, it's just our policy."
41495 "Oh, no, no... I'm not beautiful. Just very, very pretty."
41498 On a scale of 1 to 10 I'd say... oh, somewhere in there.
41501 "Our parents were never our age."
41504 "Overweight is when you step on your dog's tail and it dies."
41507 Sacred cows make great hamburgers.
41510 "Say, you look pretty athletic. What say we put a pair of tennis
41511 shoes on you and run you into the wall?"
41514 Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing.
41517 "She's about as smart as bait."
41520 Silence is the only virtue he has left.
41523 Some people have one of those days. I've had one of those lives.
41526 "Sure, I turned down a drink once. Didn't understand the question."
41529 Talent does what it can, genius what it must.
41530 I do what I get paid to do.
41533 "The baby was so ugly they had to hang a pork chop around its
41534 neck to get the dog to play with it."
41537 "The elder gods went to Suggoth and all I got was this lousy T-shirt."
41540 The forest may be quiet, but that doesn't mean
41541 the snakes have gone away.
41544 The only easy way to tell a hamster from a gerbil is that the
41545 gerbil has more dark meat.
41548 "There may be no excuse for laziness, but I'm sure looking."
41551 "This is a one line proof... if we start sufficiently far to the
41555 "To hell with patience, I'm gonna kill me something!"
41558 "Unlucky? If I bought a pumpkin farm, they'd cancel Halloween."
41561 "What do you mean, you had the dog fixed? Just what made you
41562 think he was broken!"
41565 "What I like most about myself is that I'm so understanding
41566 when I mess things up."
41569 "What women and psychologists call `dropping your armor', we call
41570 "baring your neck."
41573 "Who? Me? No, no, NO!! But I do sell rugs."
41576 "Wouldn't it be wonderful if real life supported control-Z?"
41579 Y'know how s'm people treat th'r body like a TEMPLE?
41580 Well, I treat mine like 'n AMUSEMENT PARK... S'great...
41583 "You want me to put *holes* in my ears and hang things from them?
41587 "You're so dumb you don't even have wisdom teeth."
41593 Assuring that the quality of a product does not get out of hand
41594 and add to the cost of its manufacture or design.
41597 The process of testing one out of every 1,000 units coming off a
41598 production line to make sure that at least one out of 100 works.
41600 Quality Control, n.:
41601 The process of testing one out of every 1,000 units coming off
41602 a production line to make sure that at least one out of 100 works.
41604 Quantity is no substitute for quality,
41605 but its the only one we've got.
41607 Quantum Mechanics is a lovely introduction to Hilbert Spaces!
41608 -- Overheard at last year's Archimedeans' Garden Party
41610 Quantum Mechanics is God's version of "Trust me."
41613 The sound made by a well bred duck.
41615 Quark! Quark! Beware the quantum duck!
41617 Queensboro president Donald Mannis, charged with receiving bribes in
41618 exchange for city contracts, resigned on Tuesday. Mannis feels he must
41619 devote more time to impending litigation, some of which might emanate
41620 from a recent statement he made comparing New York Mayor Ed Koch to
41621 Nazi Martin Bormann. A spokesman from the Bormann estate said they are
41622 weighing the odds of a slander suit. Mayor Koch could naturally be
41623 reached for comment, but we chose not to listen.
41626 question = ( to ) ? be : ! be;
41627 -- William Shakespeare
41629 QUESTION AUTHORITY.
41633 Question: Is it better to abide by the rules until
41634 they're changed or help speed the change by breaking them?
41637 Ask somebody something.
41640 Man Invented Alcohol,
41641 God Invented Grass.
41644 Questions are never indiscreet, answers sometimes are.
41647 Quick!! Act as if nothing has happened!
41649 Quick, sing me the BUDAPEST NATIONAL ANTHEM!!
41651 Quidquid latine dictum sit, altum viditur.
41653 (Whatever is said in Latin sounds profound.)
41656 Whoever has any authority over you, no matter how small, will
41659 Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away.
41662 Quite frankly, I don't like you humans.
41663 After what you all have done, I find being "inhuman" a compliment.
41670 Qvid me anxivs svm?
41672 QWERT (kwirt), n. [MW < OW qwertyuiop, a thirteenth]:
41673 1. a unit of weight equal to 13 poiuyt avoirdupois (or 1.69
41674 kiloliks), commonly used in structural engineering; 2. [colloq.] one
41675 thirteenth the load that a fully grown sligo can carry; 3. [anat.] a
41676 painful irritation of the dermis in the region of the anus; 4. [slang]
41677 person who excites in others the symptoms of a qwert.
41678 -- Webster's Middle World Dictionary, 4th ed.
41681 The conservatism of tomorrow injected into the affairs of today.
41684 RADIO SHACK LEVEL II BASIC
41688 Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.
41690 Raffiniert ist der Herrgott aber boshaft ist er nicht.
41693 rain falls where clouds come
41694 sun shines where clouds go
41695 clouds just come and go
41696 -- Florian Gutzwiller
41698 Rainy days and automatic weapons always get me down.
41700 Rainy days and Mondays always get me down.
41702 Raising pet electric eels is gaining a lot of current popularity.
41704 Ralph's Observation:
41705 It is a mistake to let any mechanical object
41706 realise that you are in a hurry.
41708 RAM wasn't built in a day.
41711 as in number, predictable.
41712 as in memory access, unpredictable.
41714 Rarely do people communicate; they just take turns talking.
41716 Rascal, am I? Take THAT!
41719 Rattling around the back of my head is a disturbing image of something
41720 I saw at the airport ... Now I'm remembering, those giant piles of
41721 computer magazines right next to "People" and "Time" in the airport
41722 store. Does it bother anyone else that half the world is being told
41723 all of our hard-won secrets of computer technology? Remember how all
41724 the lawyers cried foul when "How to Avoid Probate" was published? Are
41725 they taking no-fault insurance lying down? No way! But at the current
41726 rate it won't be long before there are stacks of the "Transactions on
41727 Information Theory" at the A&P checkout counters. Who's going to be
41728 impressed with us electrical engineers then? Are we, as the saying
41729 goes, giving away the store?
41730 -- Robert W. Lucky, IEEE President
41732 Ray's Rule of Precision:
41733 Measure with a micrometer. Mark with chalk. Cut with an axe.
41738 And drugs cause cramp.
41739 Guns aren't lawful;
41742 You might as well live.
41743 -- Dorothy Parker, "Resume", 1926
41746 A picture is worth 10K words -- but only those to describe
41747 the picture. Hardly any sets of 10K words can be adequately
41748 described with pictures.
41750 Reach into the thoughts of friends,
41751 And find they do not know your name.
41752 Squeeze the teddy bear too tight,
41753 And watch the feathers burst the seams.
41754 Touch the stained glass with your cheek,
41755 And feel its chill upon your blood.
41756 Hold a candle to the night,
41757 And see the darkness bend the flame.
41758 Tear the mask of peace from God,
41759 And hear the roar of souls in hell.
41760 Pluck a rose in name of love,
41761 And watch the petals curl and wilt.
41762 Lean upon the western wind,
41763 And know you are alone.
41766 Reactor error - core dumped!
41768 Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of
41769 Congress. But I repeat myself.
41772 Reading is thinking with someone else's head instead of one's own.
41774 Reading is to the mind what exercise is to the body.
41776 Reagan can't act either.
41778 Real computer scientists admire ADA for its overwhelming aesthetic
41779 value but they find it difficult to actually program in it, as it is
41780 much too large to implement. Most computer scientists don't notice
41781 this because they are still arguing over what else to add to ADA.
41783 Real computer scientists despise the idea of actual hardware. Hardware
41784 has limitations, software doesn't. It's a real shame that Turing
41785 machines are so poor at I/O.
41787 Real computer scientists don't comment their code. The identifiers are
41788 so long they can't afford the disk space.
41790 Real computer scientists don't program in assembler. They don't write
41791 in anything less portable than a number two pencil.
41793 Real computer scientists don't write code. They occasionally tinker
41794 with `programming systems', but those are so high level that they
41795 hardly count (and rarely count accurately; precision is for
41798 Real computer scientists like having a computer on their desk, else how
41799 could they read their mail?
41801 Real computer scientists only write specs for languages that might run
41802 on future hardware. Nobody trusts them to write specs for anything homo
41803 sapiens will ever be able to fit on a single planet.
41805 Real programmers admire ADA for its overwhelming aesthetic value but they
41806 find it difficult to actually program in it, as it is much too large to
41807 implement. Most computer scientists don't notice this because they are
41808 still arguing over what else to add to ADA.
41810 Real programmers disdain structured programming. Structured
41811 programming is for compulsive neurotics who were prematurely toilet-
41812 trained. They wear neckties and carefully line up pencils on otherwise
41815 Real programmers don't bring brown-bag lunches. If the vending machine
41816 doesn't sell it, they don't eat it. Vending machines don't sell
41819 Real programmers don't document; if it was
41820 hard to write, it should be hard to understand.
41822 Real programmers don't draw flowcharts. Flowcharts are, after all, the
41823 illiterate's form of documentation. Cavemen drew flowcharts; look how
41824 much good it did them.
41826 Real Programmers don't eat quiche. They eat Twinkies and Szechwan food.
41828 Real Programmers don't play tennis, or any other sport that requires
41829 you to change clothes. Mountain climbing is OK, and real programmers
41830 wear their climbing boots to work in case a mountain should suddenly
41831 spring up in the middle of the machine room.
41833 Real programmers don't write in BASIC. Actually, no programmers write
41834 in BASIC after reaching puberty.
41836 Real programmers don't write in FORTRAN. FORTRAN is for pipe stress
41837 freaks and crystallography weenies. FORTRAN is for wimp engineers who
41840 Real Programmers don't write in FORTRAN.
41841 FORTRAN is for pipe stress freaks and crystallography weenies.
41843 Real Programmers don't write in PL/I. PL/I is for programmers who
41844 can't decide whether to write in COBOL or FORTRAN.
41846 Real Programmers think better when playing Adventure or Rogue.
41848 Real programs don't eat cache.
41850 Real Programs don't use shared text. Otherwise, how can they use
41851 functions for scratch space after they are finished calling them?
41853 Real software engineers don't debug programs, they verify correctness.
41854 This process doesn't necessarily involve execution of anything on a
41855 computer, except perhaps a Correctness Verification Aid package.
41857 Real software engineers don't like the idea of some inexplicable and
41858 greasy hardware several aisles away that may stop working at any
41859 moment. They have a great distrust of hardware people, and wish that
41860 systems could be virtual at *___
\b\b\ball* levels. They would like personal
41861 computers (you know no one's going to trip over something and kill your
41862 DFA in mid-transit), except that they need 8 megabytes to run their
41863 Correctness Verification Aid packages.
41865 Real software engineers work from 9 to 5, because that is the way the
41866 job is described in the formal spec. Working late would feel like
41867 using an undocumented external procedure.
41870 Here and now, as opposed to fake time, which only occurs there
41873 Real Users are afraid they'll break the machine -- but they're never
41874 afraid to break your face.
41876 Real Users find the one combination of bizarre input values that shuts
41877 down the system for days.
41879 Real Users hate Real Programmers.
41881 Real Users know your home telephone number.
41883 Real Users never know what they want, but they always know when your
41884 program doesn't deliver it.
41886 Real Users never use the Help key.
41888 Real wealth can only increase.
41889 -- R. Buckminster Fuller
41891 Real World, The n.:
41892 1. In programming, those institutions at which programming may
41893 be used in the same sentence as FORTRAN, COBOL, RPG, IBM, etc. 2. To
41894 programmers, the location of non-programmers and activities not related
41895 to programming. 3. A universe in which the standard dress is shirt and
41896 tie and in which a person's working hours are defined as 9 to 5.
41897 4. The location of the status quo. 5. Anywhere outside a university.
41898 "Poor fellow, he's left MIT and gone into the real world." Used
41899 pejoratively by those not in residence there. In conversation, talking
41900 of someone who has entered the real world is not unlike talking about a
41903 Reality -- what a concept!
41906 Reality always seems harsher in the early morning.
41908 Reality does not exist - yet.
41910 Reality is a cop-out for people who can't handle drugs.
41912 Reality is an obstacle to hallucination.
41914 Reality is bad enough, why should I tell the truth?
41917 Reality is for people who can't deal with drugs.
41920 Reality is for people who lack imagination.
41922 Reality is for those who can't face Science Fiction.
41924 Reality is just a convenient measure of complexity.
41927 Reality is just a crutch for people who can't handle science fiction.
41929 Reality is nothing but a collective hunch.
41932 "Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away".
41935 Reality must take precedence over public relations, for Mother Nature
41939 Really?? What a coincidence, I'm shallow too!!
41942 An abrupt change of mind after being found out.
41944 Rebellion lay in his way, and he found it.
41945 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV"
41947 Receiving a million dollars tax free will make you feel better than
41948 being flat broke and having a stomach ache.
41949 -- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot"
41951 Recent investments will yield a slight profit.
41953 Recent research has tended to show that the Abominable No-Man
41954 is being replaced by the Prohibitive Procrastinator.
41957 Recently deceased blues guitarist Stevie Ray Vaughan "comes to" after
41958 his death. He sees Jimi Hendrix sitting next to him, tuning his guitar.
41959 "Holy cow," he thinks to himself, "this guy is my idol." Over at the
41960 microphone, about to sing, are Jim Morrison and Janis Joplin, and the
41961 bassist is the late Barry Oakley of the Allman Brothers. So Stevie
41962 Ray's thinking, "Oh, wow! I've died and gone to rock and roll heaven."
41963 Just then, Karen Carpenter walks in, sits down at the drums, and says:
41964 "'Close to You'. Hit it, boys!"
41965 -- Told by Penn Jillette, of magic/comedy duo Penn and Teller
41968 The purgatory where office visitors are condemned to spend
41969 innumerable hours reading dog-eared back issues of trade
41970 magazines like Modern Plastics, Chain Saw Age, and Chicken World,
41971 while the receptionist blithely reads her own trade magazine --
41974 Recession is when your neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you
41975 lose your job. These economic downturns are very difficult to predict,
41976 but sophisticated econometric modeling houses like Data Resources and
41977 Chase Econometrics have successfully predicted 14 of the last 3
41980 Recipe for a Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster:
41981 (1) Take the juice from one bottle of Ol' Janx Spirit
41982 (2) Pour into it one measure of water from the seas of
41983 Santraginus V (Oh, those Santraginean fish!)
41984 (3) Allow 3 cubes of Arcturan Mega-gin to melt into the
41985 mixture (properly iced or the benzine is lost.)
41986 (4) Allow four liters of Fallian marsh gas to bubble through it.
41987 (5) Over the back of a silver spoon, float a measure of
41988 Qualactin Hypermint extract.
41989 (6) Drop in the tooth of an Algolian Suntiger. Watch it dissolve.
41990 (7) Sprinkle Zamphuor.
41992 (9) Drink... but... very carefully...
41995 Reclaimer, spare that tree!
41996 Take not a single bit!
41997 It used to point to me,
41998 Now I'm protecting it.
41999 It was the reader's CONS
42000 That made it, paired by dot;
42001 Now, GC, for the nonce,
42002 Thou shalt reclaim it not.
42004 Recursion is the root of computation
42005 since it trades description for time.
42007 Recursion: n. See Recursion.
42008 -- Random Shack Data Processing Dictionary
42010 Regardless of whether a mission expands or contracts,
42011 administrative overhead continues to grow at a steady rate.
42015 Regression analysis:
42016 Mathematical techniques for trying to understand why things are
42020 A body on vacation tends to remain on vacation unless acted upon by
42023 Reinhart was never his mother's favorite -- and he was an only child.
42026 "Reintegration complete," ZORAC advised. "We're back in the universe
42027 again ..." An unusually long pause followed, "... but I don't know
42028 which part. We seem to have changed our position in space." A
42029 spherical display in the middle of the floor illuminated to show the
42030 starfield surrounding the ship.
42032 "Several large, artificial constructions are approaching us," ZORAC
42033 announced after a short pause. "The designs are not familiar, but they
42034 are obviously the products of intelligence. Implications: we have been
42035 intercepted deliberately by a means unknown, for a purpose unknown, and
42036 transferred to a place unknown by a form of intelligence unknown.
42037 Apart from the unknowns, everything is obvious."
42038 -- James P. Hogan, "Giants Star"
42040 Reisner's Rule of Conceptual Inertia:
42041 If you think big enough, you'll never have to do it.
42043 Relations are simply a tedious pack of people, who haven't the remotest
42044 knowledge of how to live, nor the smallest instinct about when to die.
42045 -- Oscar Wilde, "The Importance of Being Earnest"
42047 ...relaxed in the manner of a man who
42048 has no need to put up a front of any kind.
42049 -- John Ball, "Mark One: the Dummy"
42051 Reliable source, n:
42052 The guy you just met.
42054 Religion has done love a great service by making it a sin.
42057 Religion is a crutch, but that's okay... humanity is a cripple.
42059 Religion is what keeps the poor from murdering the rich.
42062 Religions revolve madly around sexual questions.
42064 Rembrandt is not to be compared in the painting of character with our
42065 extraordinarily gifted English artist, Mr. Rippingille.
42066 -- John Hunt, British editor, scholar and art critic
42067 Cerf/Navasky, "The Experts Speak"
42069 Rembrandt's first name was Beauregard, which is why he never used it.
42072 Remember -- only 10% of anything can be in the top 10%.
42074 Remember: Silly is a state of Mind, Stupid is a way of Life.
42077 Remember Darwin; building a better
42078 mousetrap merely results in smarter mice.
42080 Remember, DESSERT is spelled with two `s's while DESERT is spelled
42081 with one, because EVERYONE wants two desserts, but NO ONE wants two
42083 -- Miss Oglethorp, Gr. 5, PS. 59
42085 Remember, drive defensively! And of course, the best defense is a good
42088 Remember, even if you win the rat race -- you're still a rat.
42090 Remember folks. Street lights timed for 35 mph are also timed for 70 mph.
42093 Remember, God could only create the world in 6 days because he didn't
42094 have an established user base.
42096 Remember, Grasshopper, falling down 1000 stairs begins by tripping over
42100 "Remember, if it's being done correctly, here or abroad, it's
42101 *not* the U.S. Army doing it!"
42102 -- "Good Morning, Vietnam"
42104 Remember kids, if there's a loaded gun in the room, be sure
42105 that you're the one holding it.
42106 -- Mr. Greenfatigues
42108 Remember that as a teenager you are in the last stage of your life when
42109 you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you.
42110 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"
42112 Remember that there is an outside world to see and enjoy.
42115 Remember that whatever misfortune may be your lot, it could only be
42116 worse in Cleveland.
42117 -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
42119 Remember that whatever misfortune may be your lot,
42120 it could only be worse in Cleveland.
42122 Remember the good old days, when CPU was singular?
42124 Remember the... the... uhh.....
42127 Ay, thou poor ghost while memory holds a seat
42128 In this distracted globe. Remember thee!
42129 Yea, from the table of my memory
42130 I'll wipe away all trivial fond records,
42131 All saws of books, all forms, all pressures past,
42132 That youth and observation copied there.
42133 -- William Shakespeare, "Hamlet"
42135 Remember to say hello to your bank teller.
42137 Remember, UNIX spelled backwards is XINU.
42140 Remember: use logout to logout.
42142 Remembering is for those who have forgotten.
42145 Remove me from this land of slaves,
42146 Where all are fools, and all are knaves,
42147 Where every knave and fool is bought,
42148 Yet kindly sells himself for nought;
42151 Removing the straw that broke the camel's back
42152 does not necessarily allow the camel to walk again.
42155 Man is the highest animal. Man does the classifying.
42157 Repartee is something we think of twenty-four hours too late.
42160 Repel them. Repel them. Induce them to relinquish the spheroid.
42161 -- Indiana University football cheer
42163 Reply hazy, ask again later.
42166 A writer who guesses his way to the truth
42167 and dispels it with a tempest of words.
42170 Reporter: "How did you like school when you were growing up, Yogi?"
42171 Yogi Berra: "Closed."
42173 Reporter: "What would you do if you found a million dollars?"
42174 Yogi Berra: "If the guy was poor, I would give it back."
42177 A writer who guesses his way to the truth and dispels it with a
42179 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
42181 REPORTER: Senator, are you for or against the MX missile system?
42183 SENATOR: Bob, the MX missile system reminds me of an old saying that
42184 the country folk in my state like to say. It goes like this: "You can
42185 carry a pig for six miles, but if you set it down it might run away."
42186 I have no idea why the country folk say this. Maybe there's some kind
42187 of chemical pollutant in their drinking water. That is why I pledge to
42188 do all that I can to protect the environment of this great nation of
42189 ours, and put prayer back in the schools, where it belongs. What we
42190 need is jobs, not empty promises. I realize I'm risking my political
42191 career by being so outspoken on a sensitive issue such as the MX, but
42192 that's just the kind of straight-talking honest person I am, and I
42194 -- Dave Barry, "On Presidential Politics"
42196 Reporter (to Mahatma Gandhi): Mr Gandhi, what do you think of Western
42198 Gandhi: I think it would be a good idea.
42200 Republicans raise dahlias, Dalmatians and eyebrows.
42201 Democrats raise Airedales, kids and taxes.
42203 Democrats eat the fish they catch.
42204 Republicans hang them on the wall.
42206 Republican boys date Democratic girls. They plan to marry
42207 Republican girls, but feel they're entitled to a little fun first.
42209 Democrats make up plans and then do something else.
42210 Republicans follow the plans their grandfathers made.
42212 Republicans sleep in twin beds -- some even in separate rooms.
42213 That is why there are more Democrats.
42214 -- Paul Dickson, "The Official Rules"
42217 What others are not thinking about you.
42219 Research is the best place to be: you work your buns off, and if it works
42220 you're a hero; if it doesn't, well -- nobody else has done it yet either,
42221 so you're still a valiant nerd.
42223 Research is to see what everybody else has seen,
42224 and think what nobody else has thought.
42226 Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.
42227 -- Wernher von Braun
42231 He didn't know where he was going.
42232 When he got there he didn't know where he was.
42233 When he got back he didn't know where he had been.
42234 And he did it all on someone else's money.
42236 Resisting temptation is easier when you think you'll probably get
42237 another chance later on.
42240 Everyone says that having power is a great responsibility. This is
42241 a lot of bunk. Responsibility is when someone can blame you if something
42242 goes wrong. When you have power you are surrounded by people whose job it
42243 is to take the blame for your mistakes. If they're smart, that is.
42244 -- Cerebus, "On Governing"
42246 Retirement means that when someone says "Have a nice day", you
42247 actually have a shot at it.
42249 Reunite Gondwanaland!
42251 Rev. Jim: What does an amber light mean?
42253 Rev. Jim: What... does... an... amber... light... mean?
42255 Rev. Jim: What.... does.... an.... amber.... light....
42257 Revenge is a form of nostalgia.
42259 Revenge is a meal best served cold.
42263 (1) If Nerd on the planet Nutley starts out in his spaceship at 20 KPH,
42264 and his speed doubles every 3.2 seconds, how long will it be before
42265 he exceeds the speed of light? How long will it be before the
42266 Galactic Patrol picks up the pieces of his spaceship?
42268 (2) If Roger Rowdy wrecks his car every week, and each week he breaks
42269 twice as many bones as before, how long will it be before he breaks
42270 every bone in his body? How long will it be before they cut off
42271 his insurance? Where does he get a new car every week?
42273 (3) If Johnson drinks one beer the first hour (slow start), four beers
42274 the next hour, nine beers the next, etc., and stacks the cans in a
42275 pyramid, how soon will Johnson's pyramid be larger than King
42276 Tut's? When will it fall on him? Will he notice?
42279 A form of government abroad.
42282 In politics, an abrupt change in the form of misgovernment.
42283 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
42285 revolutionary, adj:
42289 When any principle, law, tenet, probability, happening,
42290 circumstance, or result can in no way be directly, indirectly,
42291 empirically, or circuitously proven, derived, implied, inferred,
42292 induced, deducted, estimated, or scientifically guessed, it will always
42293 for the purpose of convenience, expediency, political advantage,
42294 material gain, or personal comfort, or any combination of the above, or
42295 none of the above, be unilaterally and unequivocally assumed,
42296 proclaimed, and adhered to as absolute truth to be undeniably,
42297 universally, immutably, and infinitely so, until such time as it
42298 becomes advantageous to assume otherwise, maybe.
42300 Rich bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some men
42301 should be happier than others.
42304 Richard Nixon was the most dishonest individual I have ever met in my life.
42305 He lied to his wife, his family, his friends, his colleagues in the Congress,
42306 lifetime members of his own political party, the American people, and the
42310 Riches cover a multitude of woes.
42313 Rick: "How can you close me up? On what grounds?"
42314 Renault: "I'm shocked! Shocked! To find that gambling is
42316 Croupier (handing money to Renault):
42317 "Your winnings, sir."
42318 Renault: "Oh. Thank you very much."
42321 Riffle West Virginia is so small that the
42322 Boy Scout had to double as the town drunk.
42324 "Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time."
42327 Righteous people terrify me ... virtue is its own punishment.
42330 "Rights" is a fictional abstraction. No one has "Rights", neither
42331 machines nor flesh-and-blood. Persons... have opportunities, not
42332 rights, which they use or do not use.
42335 Ring around the collar.
42338 (1) Everything has some value -- if you use the right currency.
42339 (2) Paint splashes last longer than the paint job.
42340 (3) Search and ye shall find -- but make sure it was lost.
42343 Someone who's been made by a scientist.
42346 University administrator.
42349 Never having to say you're sorry.
42351 Rocky's Lemma of Innovation Prevention
42352 Unless the results are known in advance, funding agencies will
42353 reject the proposal.
42355 Romance, like alcohol, should be enjoyed, but should not be allowed to
42357 -- Edgar Friedenberg
42359 Rome was not built in one day.
42362 Rome wasn't burnt in a day.
42364 ROMEO: Courage, man; the hurt cannot be much.
42365 MERCUTIO: No, 'tis not so deep as a well, nor so wide as a church-
42366 door; but 'tis enough, 'twill serve.
42368 Romeo was restless, he was ready to kill,
42369 He jumped out the window 'cause he couldn't sit still,
42370 Juliet was waiting with a safety net,
42371 Said "don't bury me 'cause I ain't dead yet".
42374 Romeo wasn't bilked in a day.
42375 -- Walt Kelly, "Ten Ever-Lovin' Blue-Eyed Years With
42383 Rotten wood cannot be carved.
42384 -- Confucius, "Analects", Book 5, Ch. 9
42386 Round Numbers are always false.
42389 Row, row, row your bits, gently down the stream...
42391 Rubber bands have snappy endings!
42393 Rube Walker: "Hey, Yogi, what time is it?"
42394 Yogi Berra: "You mean now?"
42397 You know that any senator or congressman could go home and make
42398 $300,000 to $400,000, but they don't. Why? Because they can
42399 stay in Washington and make it there.
42401 Rudeness is a weak man's imitation of strength.
42404 If there is a wrong way to do something, most people will do it
42407 Rudin's Second Law:
42408 In a crisis that forces a choice to be made among alternative
42409 courses of action, people tend to choose the worst possible course.
42414 (Rugby players eat their dead.)
42415 (Blood makes the grass grow!)
42416 (Support your local hooker! Play rugby!)
42418 [A "hooker" is part of the scrum. Thought you'd want to know. Ed.]
42424 The Boss is always right.
42427 If the Boss is wrong, see Rule #1.
42429 Rule 46, Oxford Union Society, London:
42430 Any member introducing a dog into the Society's premises shall
42431 be liable to a fine of one pound. Any animal leading a blind person
42432 shall be deemed to be a cat.
42434 Rule #7: Silence is not acquiescence.
42435 Contrary to what you may have heard, silence of those present is
42436 not necessarily consent, even the reluctant variety. They simply may
42437 sit in stunned silence and figure ways of sabotaging the plan after they
42438 regain their composure.
42440 Rule of Creative Research:
42441 (1) Never draw what you can copy.
42442 (2) Never copy what you can trace.
42443 (3) Never trace what you can cut out and paste down.
42445 Rule of Defactualization:
42446 Information deteriorates upward through bureaucracies.
42448 Rule of Feline Frustration:
42449 When your cat has fallen asleep on your lap and looks utterly
42450 content and adorable, you will suddenly have to go to the bathroom.
42452 Rule of Life #1 -- Never get separated from your luggage.
42455 When people you greatly admire appear to be thinking deep
42456 thoughts, they probably are thinking about lunch.
42458 Rule the Empire through force.
42462 (1) The boss is always right.
42463 (2) When the boss is wrong, refer to rule 1.
42465 Rules for Academic Deans:
42467 (2) If they find you, LIE!!!!
42468 -- Father Damian C. Fandal
42470 Rules for driving in New York:
42471 (1) Anything done while honking your horn is legal.
42472 (2) You may park anywhere if you turn your four-way flashers
42474 (3) A red light means the next six cars may go through the
42477 Rules for Good Grammar #4.
42478 1: Don't use no double negatives.
42479 2: Make each pronoun agree with their antecedents.
42480 3: Join clauses good, like a conjunction should.
42481 4: About them sentence fragments.
42482 5: When dangling, watch your participles.
42483 6: Verbs has got to agree with their subjects.
42484 7: Just between you and i, case is important.
42485 8: Don't write run-on sentences when they are hard to read.
42486 9: Don't use commas, which aren't necessary.
42487 10: Try to not ever split infinitives.
42488 11: It is important to use your apostrophe's correctly.
42489 12: Proofread your writing to see if you any words out.
42490 13: Correct speling is essential.
42491 14: A preposition is something you never end a sentence with.
42492 15: While a transcendent vocabulary is laudable, one must be eternally
42493 careful so that the calculated objective of communication does not
42494 become ensconced in obscurity. In other words, eschew obfuscation.
42497 Avoid run-on sentences they are hard to read. Don't use no double
42498 negatives. Use the semicolon properly, always use it where it is appropriate;
42499 and never where it isn't. Reserve the apostrophe for it's proper use and
42500 omit it when its not needed. No sentence fragments. Avoid commas, that are
42501 unnecessary. Eschew dialect, irregardless. And don't start a sentence with
42502 a conjunction. Hyphenate between sy-llables and avoid un-necessary hyphens.
42503 Write all adverbial forms correct. Don't use contractions in formal writing.
42504 Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided. It is incumbent on
42505 us to avoid archaisms. Steer clear of incorrect forms of verbs that have
42506 snuck in the language. Never, ever use repetitive redundancies. If I've
42507 told you once, I've told you a thousand times, resist hyperbole. Also,
42508 avoid awkward or affected alliteration. Don't string too many prepositional
42509 phrases together unless you are walking through the valley of the shadow of
42510 death. "Avoid overuse of 'quotation "marks."'"
42512 RULES OF EATING -- THE BRONX DIETER'S CREED
42513 (1) Never eat on an empty stomach.
42514 (2) Never leave the table hungry.
42515 (3) When traveling, never leave a country hungry.
42516 (4) Enjoy your food.
42517 (5) Enjoy your companion's food.
42518 (6) Really taste your food. It may take several portions to
42519 accomplish this, especially if subtly seasoned.
42520 (7) Really feel your food. Texture is important. Compare,
42521 for example, the texture of a turnip to that of a
42522 brownie. Which feels better against your cheeks?
42523 (8) Never eat between snacks, unless it's a meal.
42524 (9) Don't feel you must finish everything on your plate. You
42525 can always eat it later.
42526 (10) Avoid any wine with a childproof cap.
42527 (11) Avoid blue food.
42528 -- Richard Smith, "The Bronx Diet"
42530 Ruling a big country is like cooking a small fish.
42534 If you don't care where you are, you ain't lost.
42536 Russia has abolished God, but so far God has been more tolerant.
42537 -- John Cameron Swayze
42539 Ruth made a great mistake when he gave up pitching. Working once a week,
42540 he might have lasted a long time and become a great star.
42541 -- Tris Speaker, commenting on Babe Ruth's plan to change
42542 from being a pitcher to an outfielder.
42543 Cerf/Navasky, "The Experts Speak"
42546 Make three correct guesses consecutively
42547 and you will establish yourself as an expert.
42549 Sacher's Observation:
42550 Some people grow with responsibility -- others merely swell.
42552 Sacred cows make great hamburgers.
42555 A sadist refusing to whip a masochist.
42557 sadoequinecrophilia, n:
42558 Beating a dead horse.
42562 SAGDEEV CALLED ON THE U.S. TO MAKE A RECIPROCAL GESTURE:
42564 In a recent speech in London, the irrepressible former head of the
42565 Soviet Space Research Institute noted that the Soviet Government has offered
42566 to convert its gigantic Krasnoyarsk radar in Siberia into an international
42567 space research facility in response to U.S. complaints that the radar would
42568 violate the ABM treaty. Sagdeev suggested that the U.S. reciprocate by
42569 turning the unfinished U.S. embassy in Moscow into a nuclear crisis reduction
42570 center. The communication system, he pointed out, is already in place.
42572 SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22 - Dec 21)
42573 You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless
42574 tendency to rely on luck since you lack talent. The majority
42575 of Sagittarians are drunks or dope fiends or both. People
42576 laugh at you a great deal.
42578 SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 to Dec. 21)
42579 Move slowly today, be deliberate. Indications are for bleeding
42580 ulcers. Drink milk. Try not to be your usual offensive and
42581 obnoxious self. Call your mother.
42583 SAGITTARIUS (Nov.22 - Dec.21)
42584 Your efforts to help a little old lady cross a street will
42585 backfire when you learn that she was waiting for a bus. Subdue
42586 impulse you have to push her out into traffic.
42588 Said the attractive, cigar-smoking housewife to her girl-friend: "I
42589 got started one night when George came home and found one burning in
42592 Sailing is fun, but scrubbing the decks is aardvark.
42593 -- Heard on Noah's ark
42595 Sailors in ships, sail on!
42596 Even while we died, others rode out the storm.
42598 Saints should always be judged guilty until they are proved innocent.
42599 -- George Orwell, "Reflections on Gandhi"
42601 Saliva causes cancer, but only if swallowed
42602 in small amounts over a long period of time.
42605 Sally: C'mon, Ted, all I'm asking you to do is share your feelings
42607 Ted: ALL? Do you realize what you're asking? Men aren't trained
42608 to share. We're trained to protect ourselves by not
42609 letting anyone too close. Good grief, if I go around
42610 sharing everything with you, you could hang me out to dry.
42611 Sally: It's called "trust," Ted.
42612 Ted: "Sharing"? "Trust"? You're really asking me to sail into
42613 uncharted waters here.
42616 Sam: What do you know there, Norm?
42617 Norm: How to sit. How to drink. Want to quiz me?
42618 -- Cheers, Loverboyd
42620 Sam: Hey, how's life treating you there, Norm?
42621 Norm: Beats me. ... Then it kicks me and leaves me for dead.
42622 -- Cheers, Loverboyd
42624 Woody: How would a beer feel, Mr. Peterson?
42625 Norm: Pretty nervous if I was in the room.
42626 -- Cheers, Loverboyd
42628 Sam: What's the good word, Norm?
42629 Norm: Plop, plop, fizz, fizz.
42630 Sam: Oh no, not the Hungry Heifer...
42631 Norm: Yeah, yeah, yeah...
42632 Sam: One heartburn cocktail coming up.
42633 -- Cheers, I'll Gladly Pay You Tuesday
42635 Sam: Whaddya say, Norm?
42636 Norm: Well, I never met a beer I didn't drink. And down it goes.
42637 -- Cheers, Love Thy Neighbor
42639 Woody: What's your pleasure, Mr. Peterson?
42640 Norm: Boxer shorts and loose shoes. But I'll settle for a beer.
42641 -- Cheers, The Bar Stoolie
42643 Sam: What do you say, Norm?
42644 Norm: Any cheap, tawdry thing that'll get me a beer.
42645 -- Cheers, Birth, Death, Love and Rice
42647 Sam: What do you say to a beer, Normie?
42648 Norm: Hiya, sailor. New in town?
42649 -- Cheers, Woody Goes Belly Up
42651 Norm: [coming in from the rain] Evening, everybody.
42652 All: Norm! (Norman.)
42653 Sam: Still pouring, Norm?
42654 Norm: That's funny, I was about to ask you the same thing.
42655 -- Cheers, Diane's Nightmare
42657 Sam: What's going on, Normie?
42658 Norm: My birthday, Sammy. Give me a beer, stick a candle in
42659 it, and I'll blow out my liver.
42660 -- Cheers, Where Have All the Floorboards Gone
42662 Woody: Hey, Mr. P. How goes the search for Mr. Clavin?
42663 Norm: Not as well as the search for Mr. Donut.
42664 Found him every couple of blocks.
42665 -- Cheers, Head Over Hill
42667 Sam: What's new, Norm?
42668 Norm: Most of my wife.
42669 -- Cheers, The Spy Who Came in for a Cold One
42672 Norm: Naah, I'd probably just drink it.
42673 -- Cheers, Now Pitching, Sam Malone
42675 Coach: What's doing, Norm?
42676 Norm: Well, science is seeking a cure for thirst. I happen
42677 to be the guinea pig.
42678 -- Cheers, Let Me Count the Ways
42681 Four million people, where you can't get a
42682 good cheeseburger, no matter how hard you try.
42684 San Francisco has always been my favorite booing city. I don't mean the
42685 people boo louder or longer, but there is a very special intimacy. When
42686 they boo you, you know they mean *you*. Music, that's what it is to me.
42687 One time in Kezar Stadium they gave me a standing boo.
42688 -- George Halas, professional football coach
42690 San Francisco isn't what it used to be, and it never was.
42694 Marcel Proust editing an issue of Penthouse.
42696 Sanity and insanity overlap a fine grey line.
42698 Sanity is the trademark of a weak mind.
42701 Sank heaven for leetle curls.
42703 Santa Claus is watching!
42705 Santa Claus wears a Red Suit,
42706 He must be a communist.
42707 And a beard and long hair,
42708 Must be a pacifist.
42710 What's in that pipe that he's smoking?
42713 Santa Claus wears a red suit
42716 He has long hair and a beard
42717 Must be a pacifist.
42719 And what's in the pipe that he's smoking?
42721 Santa Claus comes in your house at night.
42722 He must be a dope fiend to get you up tight.
42724 Why do police guys beat on peace guys?
42725 -- Arlo Guthrie, "The Pause of Mr. Claus"
42728 SANTA IS BRINGING GOOD WISHES FROM ALL THE
42729 MICRO ARTISTS GANG! MAY 1988 BE A HAPPY YEAR!
42734 :.______ : .:* : . _ .: :.. . : . . : ()_ .:
42735 (( \. :./(__ :._O_)________:______,____:____/ *\_o
42736 ====(( \: (****) (***) :. ...: .. . ()_______/\\ __-'
42737 \____(( \ ()oo()_/ /.: : ..________/_____ll -/.: ..
42738 ( (( \(())))__/ . .. \\.: ..( ) ll ( l_.:
42739 ( / (( \__*__)___:___ : : )) .) /--------\ \ \
42740 ( / ((_____________) .. // . / / /..:: . )_)_\
42741 (____/_____________________\__// : /_/_/ :.. :/_/ \_\
42742 /_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/ /_/_/
42746 Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses.
42748 Satellite Safety Tip #14:
42749 If you see a bright streak in the sky coming at you, duck.
42751 Satire does not look pretty upon a tombstone.
42753 Satire is tragedy plus time.
42756 Satire is what closes in New Haven.
42758 Satire is what closes Saturday night.
42762 It works better if you plug it in.
42764 Saturday night in Toledo Ohio,
42765 Is like being nowhere at all,
42766 All through the day how the hours rush by,
42767 You sit in the park and you watch the grass die.
42768 -- John Denver, "Saturday Night in Toledo Ohio"
42770 Satyrs have more faun.
42772 Sauron is alive in Argentina!
42774 Savage's Law of Expediency:
42775 You want it bad, you'll get it bad.
42777 Save a little money each month and at the end of the year you'll be
42778 surprised at how little you have.
42781 Save a tree -- kill an ISO working group today.
42784 Save energy: Drive a smaller shell.
42786 Save energy: be apathetic.
42788 Save gas, don't eat beans.
42790 Save gas, don't use the shell.
42794 Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
42796 Save the Whales -- Harpoon a Honda.
42798 Save yourself! Reboot in 5 seconds!
42800 Saw a sign on a restaurant that said Breakfast, any time -- so I
42801 ordered French Toast in the Renaissance.
42804 Say! You've struck a heap of trouble--
42805 Bust in business, lost your wife;
42806 No one cares a cent about you,
42807 You don't care a cent for life;
42808 Hard luck has of hope bereft you,
42809 Health is failing, wish you'd die--
42810 Why, you've still the sunshine left you
42811 And the big blue sky.
42814 Say it with flowers,
42815 Or say it with mink,
42816 But whatever you do,
42817 Don't say it with ink!
42820 Say many of cameras focused t'us,
42821 Our middle-aged shots do us justice.
42822 No justice, please, curse ye!
42823 We really want mercy:
42824 You see, 'tis the justice, disgusts us.
42825 -- Thomas H. Hildebrandt
42827 Say my love is easy had,
42828 Say I'm bitten raw with pride,
42829 Say I am too often sad --
42830 Still behold me at your side.
42832 Say I'm neither brave nor young,
42833 Say I woo and coddle care,
42834 Say the devil touched my tongue,
42835 Still you have my heart to wear.
42837 But say my verses do not scan,
42838 And I get me another man!
42839 -- Dorothy Parker, "Fighting Words"
42841 Say no, then negotiate.
42844 Say something you'll be sorry for, I love receiving apologies.
42846 Say "twenty-three-skiddoo" to logout.
42848 SCCS, the source motel! Programs check in and never check out!
42852 An imagined sequence of events that provides the context in
42853 which a business decision is made. Scenarios always come in
42854 sets of three: best case, worst case, and just in case.
42856 Scenary is here, wish you were beautiful.
42859 A small boy stands agasp on the stairway overlooking the living
42860 room. A rather largish man in a big red suit with white fur and red and
42861 white belled cap hunches over the fireplace, obviously interrupted in
42862 filling stockings with packages taken from a huge bag slung over his
42863 shoulder. His eyebrows are raised, matter-of-factly, as he spies the boy
42864 intently watching him.
42867 "I'm sorry you've seen me, Billy. Now I'll have to kill you."
42869 Schapiro's Explanation:
42870 The grass is always greener on the other side -- but that's
42871 because they use more manure.
42873 Schizophrenia beats being alone.
42875 Schlattwhapper, n.:
42876 The window shade that allows itself to be pulled down,
42877 hesitates for a second, then snaps up in your face.
42878 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
42880 Schmidt's Observation:
42881 All things being equal, a fat person uses more soap
42882 than a thin person.
42885 A dog's practice of continuously nuzzling in your crotch in
42887 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
42890 The amusing rotation of one's bottom while sharpening a
42892 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
42894 Science and religion are in full accord but
42895 science and faith are in complete discord.
42897 Science Fiction, Double Feature.
42898 Frank has built and lost his creature.
42899 Darkness has conquered Brad and Janet.
42900 The servants gone to a distant planet.
42902 At the late night, double feature, Picture show.
42903 I want to go, oh, oh, oh.
42904 To the late night, double feature, Picture show.
42905 -- Rocky Horror Picture Show
42907 Science is built up of facts, as a house is with stones. But a
42908 collection of facts is no more a science than a heap of stones
42910 -- Jules Henri Poincare
42912 Science is facts; just as houses are made of stones, so is science made
42913 of facts; but a pile of stones is not a house and a collection of facts
42914 is not necessarily science.
42915 -- Jules Henri Poincar'
\be
42917 Science is to computer science as hydrodynamics is to plumbing.
42919 Science is what happens when preconception meets verification.
42921 Science may someday discover what faith has always known.
42923 Science! true daughter of Old Time thou art!
42924 Who alterest all things with thy peering eyes.
42925 Why preyest thou thus upon the poet's heart,
42926 Vulture, whose wings are dull realities?
42927 How should he love thee? or how deem thee wise?
42928 Who wouldst not leave him in his wandering
42929 To seek for treasure in the jewelled skies,
42930 Albeit he soared with an undaunted wing?
42931 Hast thou not dragged Diana from her car?
42932 And driven the Hamadryad from the wood
42933 To seek a shelter in some happier star?
42934 Hast thou not torn the Naiad from her flood,
42935 The Elfin from the green grass, and from me
42936 The summer dream beneath the tamarind tree?
42937 -- Edgar Allan Poe, "Science, a Sonnet"
42939 Scientists are people who build the Brooklyn Bridge and then buy it.
42940 -- William F. Buckley
42943 Scientists still know less about what attracts men
42944 than they do about what attracts mosquitoes.
42945 -- Dr. Joyce Brothers,
42946 "What Every Woman Should Know About Men"
42948 Scientists were preparing an experiment to ask the ultimate question.
42949 They had worked for months gathering one each of every computer that
42950 was built. Finally the big day was at hand. All the computers were
42951 linked together. They asked the question, "Is there a God?". Lights
42952 started blinking, flashing and blinking some more. Suddenly, there
42953 was a loud crash, and a bolt of lightning came down from the sky,
42954 struck the computers, and welded all the connections permanently
42955 together. "There is now", came the reply.
42957 Scintillate, scintillate, globule vivific,
42958 Fain how I pause at your nature specific,
42959 Loftily poised in the ether capacious,
42960 Highly resembling a gem carbonaceous.
42961 Scintillate, scintillate, globule vivific,
42962 Fain how I pause at your nature specific.
42964 Scintillation is not always identification for an auric substance.
42966 SCORPIO (Oct 23 - Nov 21)
42967 You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You will
42968 achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of
42969 ethics. Most Scorpio people are murdered.
42971 SCORPIO (Oct. 23 to Nov. 21)
42972 Friends abound today, seeking repayment of past loans. Smile. Check
42973 for concealed weapons. Your natural cheerfulness makes others want
42974 to throw up. Knock it off.
42976 SCORPIO (Oct.24 - Nov.21)
42977 You will receive word today that you are eligible to win a million
42978 dollars in prizes. It will be from a magazine trying to get you to
42979 subscribe, and you're just dumb enough to think you've got a chance
42980 to win. You never learn.
42983 No matter what goes wrong, it will probably look right.
42985 Scott's second Law:
42986 When an error has been detected and corrected, it will be found
42987 to have been wrong in the first place.
42990 After the correction has been found in error, it will be
42991 impossible to fit the original quantity back into the equation.
42993 Scotty: Captain, we din' can reference it!
42994 Kirk: Analysis, Mr. Spock?
42995 Spock: Captain, it doesn't appear in the symbol table.
42996 Kirk: Then it's of external origin?
42997 Spock: Affirmative.
42998 Kirk: Mr. Sulu, go to pass two.
42999 Sulu: Aye aye, sir, going to pass two.
43001 Scratch the disks, dump the core, Shut it down, pull the plug
43002 Roll the tapes across the floor, Give the core an extra tug
43003 And the system is going to crash. And the system is going to crash.
43004 Teletypes smashed to bits. Mem'ry cards, one and all,
43005 Give the scopes some nasty hits Toss out halfway down the hall
43006 And the system is going to crash. And the system is going to crash.
43007 And we've also found Just flip one switch
43008 When you turn the power down, And the lights will cease to twitch
43009 You turn the disk readers into trash. And the tape drives will crumble
43010 Oh, it's so much fun, in a flash.
43011 Now the CPU won't run When the CPU
43012 And the system is going to crash. Can print nothing out but "foo,"
43013 The system is going to crash.
43014 -- To The Caissons Go Rolling Along
43018 Roll the tapes across the floor!
43020 Screw up your courage! You've screwed up everything else.
43023 The blank area on the back of credit cards where one's signature goes.
43024 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
43026 Scrubbing floors and emptying bedpans has as much dignity as the
43030 'Scuse me, while I kiss the sky!
43031 -- Robert James Marshall (Jimi) Hendrix
43033 Sears has everything.
43035 Seattle is so wet that people protect their property with watch-ducks.
43037 Second Law of Business Meetings:
43038 If there are two possible ways to spell a person's name, you
43039 will pick the wrong one.
43042 If there is only one way to spell a name, you will spell it
43045 Second Law of Final Exams:
43046 In your toughest final -- for the first time all year -- the most
43047 distractingly attractive student in the class will sit next to you.
43049 Secrecy is the beginning of tyranny.
43051 Secretary's Revenge:
43052 Filing almost everything under "the".
43054 Section 2.4.3.5 AWNS (Acceptor Wait for New Cycle State).
43055 In AWNS the AH function indicates that it has received a
43056 multiline message byte.
43057 In AWNS the RFD message must be sent false and the DAC message
43058 must be sent passive true.
43059 The AH function must exit the AWNS and enter:
43060 (1) The ANRS if DAV is false
43061 (2) The AIDS if the ATN message is false and neither:
43062 (a) The LADS is active
43063 (b) Nor LACS is active
43065 -- from the IEEE Standard Digital Interface for
43066 Programmable Instrumentation
43068 Security check:
\a\a\aINTRUDER ALERT!
43070 Sed quis custodiet ipsos Custodes?
43071 [Who guards the Guardians?]
43073 Seduced, shaggy Samson snored.
43074 She scissored short. Sorely shorn,
43075 Soon shackled slave, Samson sighed,
43077 Sightlessly seeking
43078 Some savage, spectacular suicide.
43079 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
43081 "See - the thing is - I'm an absolutist. I mean, kind of ...
43084 See, these two penguins walked into a bar, which was really stupid, 'cause
43085 the second one should have seen it.
43087 Seeing a commotion in Harvard Square, a man strolled over and asked what
43088 was going on. One of the onlookers explained to him that there was a Mooney
43089 who had immersed himself in gasoline and was threatening to set fire to
43090 himself to demonstrate his commitment to the Rev. Moon. The man gasped and
43091 asked what was being done to defuse the obviously dangerous situation.
43092 "Well", replied the onlooker, "we're taking up a collection -- so
43093 far I've got two Bics, four Zippos and eighteen books of matches."
43095 Seeing is believing.
43096 You wouldn't have seen it if you hadn't believed it.
43098 Seeing is deceiving. It's eating that's believing.
43101 Seeing that death, a necessary end,
43102 Will come when it will come.
43103 -- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar"
43105 Seek simplicity -- and distrust it.
43106 -- Alfred North Whitehead
43108 Seems a computer engineer, a systems analyst, and a programmer were
43109 driving down a mountain when the brakes gave out. They screamed down the
43110 mountain, gaining speed, but finally managed to grind to a halt, more by
43111 luck than anything else, just inches from a thousand foot drop to jagged
43112 rocks. They all got out of the car:
43113 The computer engineer said, "I think I can fix it."
43114 The systems analyst said, "No, no, I think we should take it
43115 into town and have a specialist look at it."
43116 The programmer said, "OK, but first I think we should get back
43117 in and see if it does it again."
43119 Seems like this duck waddles into a pharmacy, waddles up to the prescription
43120 counter and rings the bell. The pharmacist walks up and asks, "Can I help
43122 The duck replies, "Yes, I'd like a box of condoms, please."
43123 "Certainly", says the pharmacist, "will that be cash or would
43124 you like me to put it on your bill?"
43125 Snarls the duck, "Just what kind of duck do you think I am?"
43127 Seems like this farmer purchased an old, run-down, abandoned farm with plans
43128 to turn it into a thriving enterprise. The fields are grown over with weeds,
43129 the farmhouse is falling apart, and the fences are collapsing all around.
43130 During his first day of work, the town preacher stops by to bless the man's
43131 work, praying, "May you and God work together to make this the farm of your
43133 A few months later, the preacher stops by again to call on the farmer.
43134 Lo and behold, it's like a completely different place -- the farm house is
43135 completely rebuilt and in excellent condition, there is plenty of cattle and
43136 other livestock happily munching on feed in well-fenced pens, and the fields
43137 are filled with crops planted in neat rows. "Amazing!" the preacher says.
43138 "Look what God and you have accomplished together!"
43139 "Yes, reverend," replies the farmer, "but remember what the farm was
43140 like when God was working it alone!"
43142 Seems like this guy wanders into a rural outfitting store in Alaska,
43143 and starts talking to a rather grizzled old man sitting by the cash
43145 "Hear ya got a lotta' bears 'round here?"
43146 "Yeah, you could say that," answers the old man.
43149 "Got any bear bells?"
43151 "You know, them little dingle-bells ya put on yer backpack so
43152 bears know yer there so's they can run away ... I'll take one fer black
43153 bears, and one fer them grizzlies. Say, how do you know yer in grizzly
43155 "Look fer scat. Grizzly scat's different from black bear scat."
43156 "Well now, what's IN grizzly scat that's different?"
43159 Seems that a pollster was taking a worldwide opinion poll.
43160 Her question was, "Excuse me; what's your opinion on the meat shortage?"
43162 In Texas, the answer was "What's a shortage?"
43163 In Poland, the answer was "What's meat?"
43164 In the Soviet Union, the answer was "What's an opinion?"
43165 In New York City, the answer was "What's excuse me?"
43167 Seems this fellow was suffering from terrific headaches, and went to his
43168 doctor about it. The physician made a number of tests, and informed the man
43169 that the only thing for his headaches was castration. After a few more
43170 months, the headaches became so intense that the man agreed to the operation.
43171 Naturally enough, the ruination of his sex life depressed him tremendously,
43172 and he decided to purchase a new wardrobe to make himself feel better.
43173 He enters a men's clothing store and a salesman wanders over, looks him
43174 up and down, and says, "Well, let's start with shirts... 15 neck, 34 sleeve."
43175 The guy is amazed. "How'd you know?"
43176 "Well, I've been here nearly 30 years, and I can tell sizes within
43177 a quarter inch on every piece of clothing." The salesman's claim is borne
43178 out. Slacks, 34 waist, 32 inseam; jacket: 42 long. And so on and so forth.
43179 When the man has been completely outfitted he decides that he'd better buy
43180 some new underwear.
43181 The salesman looks at him and says, "Okay, that'll be a 34."
43182 "No, that's wrong," says the man. "I've always worn a 32." The
43183 salesman insists, pointing out his accuracy so far. The man argues, agreeing
43184 that while he's been right so far, he has always worn a 32 in shorts.
43185 Finally in exasperation, the salesman says, "Listen, I tell you,
43186 you *have* to wear a 34. Otherwise, you'll get these *awful* headaches."
43188 Seems this guy showed up at a party, and all of his friends jumped for
43189 Joy. But she sidestepped, and they missed.
43191 Seize the day, put no trust in the morrow!
43192 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
43194 Seleznick's Theory of Holistic Medicine:
43195 Ice Cream cures all ills. Temporarily.
43197 Self Test for Paranoia:
43198 You know you have it when you can't think of anything that's
43202 From "semi" and "arse", hence, any half-assed discussion.
43206 SEMPER UBI SUB UBI!!!!
43208 Sen. Danforth: "There is nothing on the face of the album which would
43209 notify you if the record has pornographic material or
43210 material glorifying violence?"
43211 Tipper Gore: "No, there is nothing that would suggest that to me."
43212 Frank Zappa: "I would say that a buzz saw blade between the guy's
43213 legs on the album cover is good indication that it's
43214 not for little Johnny."
43216 -- The Senate Commerce Committee hearing on rock
43217 lyrics, from The Village Voice, 6 Oct 1985
43220 A body of elderly gentlemen charged with high duties and
43222 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
43224 Send some filthy mail.
43226 Sendmail may be safely run set-user-id to root.
43227 -- Eric Allman, "Sendmail Installation Guide"
43230 The state of mind of elderly persons
43231 with whom one happens to disagree.
43233 Senor Castro has been accused of communist sympathies, but this means very
43234 little since all opponents of the regime are automatically called communists.
43235 In fact he is further to the right than General Batista.
43236 -- "Cuba's Rightist Rebel", The Economist, April 26, 1958
43238 Sentient plasmoids are a gas.
43240 Sentimentality -- that's what we call the sentiment we don't share.
43244 The process by which human knowledge is advanced.
43246 Serenity through viciousness.
43251 Serocki's Stricture:
43252 Marriage is always a bachelor's last option.
43254 Serving coffee on an aircraft causes turbulence.
43256 Set the cart before the horse.
43259 Several years ago, an international chess tournament was being held in a
43260 swank hotel in New York. Most of the major stars of the chess world were
43261 there, and after a grueling day of chess, the players and their entourages
43262 retired to the lobby of the hotel for a little refreshment. In the lobby,
43263 some players got into a heated argument about who was the brightest, the
43264 fastest, and the best chess player in the world. The argument got quite
43265 loud, as various players claimed that honor. At that point, a security
43266 guard in the lobby turned to another guard and commented, "If there's
43267 anything I just can't stand, it's chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
43269 Several years ago, some smart businessmen had an idea: Why not build a
43270 big store where a do-it-yourselfer could get everything he needed at
43271 reasonable prices? Then they decided, nah, the hell with that, let's
43272 build a home center. And before long home centers were springing up
43273 like crabgrass all over the United States.
43274 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
43276 Sex and drugs and rock and roll,
43277 Is all my brain and body need.
43278 Sex and drugs and rock and roll,
43279 Are very good indeed.
43281 Take your silly ways,
43282 Throw them out the window,
43283 The wisdom of your ways,
43284 I've been there and I know,
43285 Lots of other ways...
43286 -- Ian Drury, "New Boots and Panties"
43288 Sex discriminates against the shy and ugly.
43290 Sex hasn't been the same since women started enjoying it.
43293 Sex is a natural bodily process, like a stroke.
43295 Sex is about as important as a cheese sandwich. But a cheese sandwich,
43296 if you ain't got one to put in your belly, is extremely important.
43299 Sex is an emotion in motion.
43302 "Sex is as honest a product benefit for fragrance [perfume] as taste is
43304 -- Malcolm DacDougall
43306 Sex is good, but not as good as fresh sweet corn.
43307 -- Garrison Keillor
43309 Sex is like pizza -- when it's good, it's great; and when it's bad,
43310 it's still darn tasty!
43312 Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.
43315 Sex is the mathematics urge sublimated.
43318 Sex: the thing that takes up the least amount of time and causes the
43319 most amount of trouble.
43322 Sex without class consciousness cannot give satisfaction, even if it is
43323 repeated until infinity.
43324 -- Aldo Brandirali (Secretary of the Italian Marxist-Leninist
43325 Party), in a manual of the party's official sex guidelines,
43328 Sex without love is an empty experience, but, as empty experiences go,
43329 it's one of the best.
43332 Sexual enlightenment is justified insofar as girls cannot learn too soon
43333 how children do not come into the world.
43336 Shah, shah! Ayatulla you so!
43338 Shall we make a new rule of life from tonight:
43339 always to try to be a little kinder than is necessary?
43342 Shame is an improper emotion invented by
43343 pietists to oppress the human race.
43344 -- Robert Preston, Toddy, "Victor/Victoria"
43346 Shamus, n. [Yiddish]:
43347 A shamus is a guy who takes care of handyman tasks around the
43348 temple, and makes sure everything is in working order.
43349 A shamus is at the bottom of the pecking order of synagogue
43350 functionaries, and there's a joke about that:
43351 A rabbi, to show his humility before God, cries out in the
43352 middle of a service, "Oh, Lord, I am nobody!" The cantor, not to be
43353 bested, also cries out, "Oh, Lord, I am nobody!"
43354 The shamus, deeply moved, follows suit and cries, "Oh, Lord, I
43355 am nobody!" The rabbi turns to the cantor and says, "Look who thinks
43357 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
43359 Shannon's Observation
43360 Nothing is so frustrating as a bad situation
43361 that is beginning to improve.
43364 To give in, endure humiliation.
43366 Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off
43367 during games in Chicago in January, only more intelligent.
43368 -- Dave Barry, "Sex and the Single Amoeba: What Every
43372 Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will
43375 She always believed in the old adage -- leave them while you're looking
43377 -- Anita Loos, "Gentlemen Prefer Blondes"
43379 She applies her lipstick in spite of its contents: "greasy rouge,
43380 containing crushed and dried insect corpses for coloring, beeswax
43381 for stiffness, and olive oil to help it flow - the latter having
43382 the unfortunate tendency to go rancid several hours after use.
43384 In 1924 the New York Board of Health considered banning lipstick,
43385 not because it was hazardous to the wearers but because of "the
43386 worry that it might poison the men who kissed the women who wore it."
43387 -- David Bodanis, "The Secret House"
43389 She asked me, "What's your sign?"
43390 I blinked and answered "Neon,"
43391 I thought I'd blow her mind...
43393 She been married so many times
43394 she got rice marks all over her face.
43397 She blinded me with science!
43399 She can kill all your files;
43400 She can freeze with a frown.
43401 And a wave of her hand brings the whole system down.
43402 And she works on her code until ten after three.
43403 She lives like a bat but she's always a hacker to me.
43404 -- Apologies to Billy Joel
43406 She cried, and the judge wiped her tears with my checkbook.
43409 She has an alarm clock and a phone that don't ring - they applaud.
43411 "She is descended from a long line that her mother listened to."
43414 She is not refined. She is not unrefined. She keeps a parrot.
43417 She just came in, pounced around this thing with me for a few
43418 years, enjoyed herself, gave it a sort of beautiful quality and
43419 left. Excited a few men in the meantime.
43420 -- Patrick Macnee, reminiscing on Diana Rigg's
43421 involvement in "The Avengers".
43423 She liked him; he was a man of many qualities, even if most of them
43426 She missed an invaluable opportunity to give him a look that you could
43427 have poured on a waffle ...
43429 She often gave herself very good advice
43430 (though she very seldom followed it).
43433 She ran the gamut of emotions from "A" to "B".
43434 -- Dorothy Parker, on a Kate Hepburn performance
43436 "She said, `I know you ... you cannot sing'. I said, `That's nothing,
43437 you should hear me play piano.'"
43440 She say, Miss Colie, You better hush. God might hear you.
43441 Let 'im hear me, I say. If he ever listened to poor colored
43442 women the world would be a different place, I can tell you.
43443 -- Alice Walker, "The Color Purple"
43445 She sells cshs by the cshore.
43447 She stood on the tracks
43449 Leading me to that third rail shock
43451 She changed her mind
43453 She gave me a night
43455 What will it take until I stop
43459 There's nothing else I can do
43460 'Cause I'm doing it all for Leyna
43461 I don't want anyone new
43462 'Cause I'm living it all for Leyna
43463 There's nothing in it for you
43464 'Cause I'm giving it all to Leyna
43465 -- Billy Joel, "All for Leyna" (Glass Houses)
43467 She was bred in ol' Kentucky
43468 But she's just a crumb up here
43469 She was knock-knee'd and double-jointed
43470 With a cauliflower ear
43471 Someday we will be married
43472 And if vegetables become too dear
43473 I'll just cut me a slice of
43474 Her cauliflower ear!
43475 -- Curly Howard, "The Three Stooges"
43477 She was good at playing abstract confusion in the same way a midget is
43478 good at being short.
43479 -- Clive James, on Marilyn Monroe
43481 She was only a moonshiner's daughter, but I love her still.
43483 She was only a mortician's daughter but anyone cadaver.
43485 She won' go Warp 7, Cap'n! The batteries are dead!
43488 All trails have more uphill sections
43489 than they have downhill sections.
43491 "Shelter", what a nice name for a place where you polish your cat.
43493 Sheriff Chameleotoptor sighed with an air of weary sadness, and then
43494 turned to Doppelgutt and said 'The Senator must really have been on a
43495 bender this time -- he left a party in Cleveland, Ohio, at 11:30 last
43496 night, and they found his car this morning in the smokestack of a British
43497 aircraft carrier in the Formosa Straits.'
43498 -- Grand Panjandrum's Special Award, 1985 Bulwer-Lytton
43499 bad fiction contest
43501 "Sherry [Thomas Sheridan] is dull, naturally dull; but it must have
43502 taken him a great deal of pains to become what we now see him. Such an
43503 excess of stupidity, sir, is not in Nature."
43506 She's genuinely bogus.
43508 She's learned to say things with her eyes
43509 that others waste time putting into words.
43511 She's so tough she won't take 'yes' for an answer.
43513 She's such a kinky girl,
43514 The kind you don't take home to mother.
43515 She will never let your spirits down
43516 Once you get her off the street.
43518 She's the kind of girl who climbed the ladder of success wrong by wrong.
43521 Shhh... be vewy, vewy, quiet! I'm hunting wabbits...
43524 There is no problem a good miracle can't solve.
43526 SHIFT TO THE LEFT! SHIFT TO THE RIGHT!
43527 POP UP, PUSH DOWN, BYTE, BYTE, BYTE!
43530 Shift to the right,
43532 BYTE, BYTE, BYTE !!!
43534 Ships are safe in harbor, but they were never meant to stay there.
43536 Shirley MacLaine died today in a freak psychic collision today. Two freaks
43537 in a van [Oh no!! It's the Copyright Police!!] Her aura-charred body was
43538 laid to rest after a eulogy by Jackie Collins, fellow member of SAFE [Society
43539 of Asinine Flake Entertainers]. Excerpted from some of his more quotable
43542 "Truly a woman of the times. These times, those times..."
43543 "A Renaissance woman. Why in 1432..."
43544 "A man for all seasons. Really..."
43546 After the ceremony, Shirley thanked her mourners and explained how delightful
43547 it was to "get it together" again, presumably referring to having her now dead
43548 body join her long dead brain.
43550 Sho' they got to have it against the law. Shoot, ever'body git high,
43551 they wouldn't be nobody git up and feed the chickens. Hee-hee.
43554 Short people get rained on last.
43556 Show business is just like high school, except you get paid.
43559 Show me a good loser in professional sports and I'll show you an idiot.
43560 Show me a good sportsman and I'll show you a player I'm looking to trade.
43563 Show me a man who is a good loser and I'll show you a man who is
43564 playing golf with his boss.
43566 Show respect for age. Drink good Scotch for a change.
43568 Show your affection, which will probably meet with pleasant response.
43570 Showing up is 80% of life.
43573 Si Dieu n'existait pas, il faudrait l'inventer.
43576 Si jeunesse savait, si vieillesse pouvait.
43577 [If youth but knew, if old age but could.]
43580 Sic transit gloria Monday!
43582 Sic transit gloria mundi.
43583 [So passes away the glory of this world.]
43586 Sic Transit Gloria Thursdi.
43588 Sight is a faculty; seeing is an art.
43590 Sigmund's wife wore Freudian slips.
43592 Signals don't kill programs. Programs kill programs.
43594 Signs of crime: screaming or cries for help.
43595 -- from the Brown University Security Crime Prevention
43598 Silence can be the biggest lie of all. We have a responsibility to speak
43599 up; and whenever the occasion calls for it, we have a responsibility to
43603 Silence is the element in which great things fashion themselves.
43606 Silence is the only virtue you have left.
43608 sillema sillema nika su
43609 [translation: look it up...hint-fin]
43611 Silly is a state of Mind, Stupid is a way of Life.
43613 Silly Sally was baby sitting. But Silly Sally was getting bored. Thinking
43614 a walk would help, she put the baby in his carriage. Silly Sally pushed the
43615 carriage and pushed the carriage up this hill and down that one. She pushed
43616 the carriage up the highest hill in town, and ALL OF A SUDDEN! It slipped out
43617 of her hands (OH! NO!) and it was headed at high speed for the busiest
43618 intersection in town. BUT!
43620 Silly Sally just laughed and la.....ug.......h....e....d...........
43621 BECAUSE! SHE KNEW THERE WAS A STOP SIGN AT THE BOTTOM OF THE HILL!
43623 Silly Sally was playing in the garage. And she was being disobedient.
43624 She was playing with matches... AND... She burned down the garage.
43625 (OHHHHHH) Silly Sally's mother said, "Silly Sally! You have been naughty!
43626 And when your father gets home, you are going to get a good licking!" BUT!
43628 Silly Sally just laughed and la.....ug.......h....e....d...........
43629 BECAUSE! SHE KNEW HER FATHER WAS IN THE GARAGE WHEN SHE BURNED IT DOWN!
43632 If Murphy's Law can go wrong, it will.
43635 Everything put together falls apart sooner or later.
43637 Simplicity does not precede complexity, but follows it.
43639 Simulations are like miniskirts, they show a lot and hide the essentials.
43645 Sin has many tools, but a lie is the handle which fits them all.
43647 Sin lies only in hurting other people unnecessarily.
43648 All other "sins" are invented nonsense.
43649 (Hurting yourself is not sinful -- just stupid).
43652 Since a politician never believes what he says, he is surprised
43653 when others believe him.
43654 -- Charles DeGaulle
43656 Since aerosols are forbidden, the police are using roll-on Mace!
43658 Since before the Earth was formed and before the sun burned hot in space,
43659 cosmic forces of inexorable power have been working relentlessly toward
43660 this moment in space-time -- your receiving this fortune.
43662 Since everything in life is but an experience perfect in being what it is,
43663 having nothing to do with good or bad, acceptance or rejection, one may well
43664 burst out in laughter.
43667 Since I hurt my pendulum
43668 My life is all erratic.
43669 My parrot, who was cordial,
43670 Is now transmitting static.
43671 The carpet died, a palm collapsed,
43672 The cat keeps doing poo.
43673 The only thing that keeps me sane
43674 Is talking to my shoe.
43677 Since we cannot hope for order, let us withdraw with style from the chaos.
43680 Since we have to speak well of the dead, let's knock them while they're
43684 Since we're all here, we must not be all there.
43685 -- Bob "Mountain" Beck
43687 Sink or Swim with Teddy!
43689 Sinners can repent, but stupid is forever.
43691 Sir, it's quite possible this asteroid is not entirely stable.
43694 [Sir Stafford Cripps] has all the virtues I dislike and none of the
43696 -- Winston Churchill
43698 Six days after the Creation, Adam was still alone in the Garden of
43699 Eden, and getting pretty desperate. "God!" he cried, "rescue me from
43700 loneliness and despair! Send some company for Your sake!"
43702 God replied "OK, I have just the thing. Keep you warm and relaxed all
43703 the days of your life. Never complains. Looks up to you in every way.
43704 It'll cost you though".
43706 "Sounds ideal" said Adam. "The society of the beasts of the field and
43707 the birds of the air palls after a while. What's the price?"
43709 "An arm and a leg", said God.
43711 Adam thought about it for a bit and finally sighed. "So, what can I get
43714 Sixtus V, Pope from 1585 to 1590 authorized a printing of the Vulgate
43715 Bible. Taking no chances, the pope issued a papal bull automatically
43716 excommunicating any printer who might make an alteration in the text.
43717 This he ordered printed at the beginning of the Bible. He personally
43718 examined every sheet as it came off the press. Yet the published
43719 Vulgate Bible contained so many errors that corrected scraps had to be
43720 printed and pasted over them in every copy. The result provoked wry
43721 comments on the rather patchy papal infallibility, and Pope Sixtus had
43722 no recourse but to order the return and destruction of every copy.
43724 Skill without imagination is craftsmanship and gives us many useful
43725 objects such as wickerwork picnic baskets. Imagination without skill
43726 gives us modern art.
43729 Skinner's Constant (or Flannagan's Finagling Factor):
43730 That quantity which, when multiplied by, divided by, added to,
43731 or subtracted from the answer you get, gives you the answer you should
43734 skldfjkl
\a\a\ajklsR%^&(IXDRTYju187pkasdjbasdfbuil
43735 h;asvgy8p 23r1vyui
\a135 2
43736 kmxsij90TYDFS$$b jkzxdjkl bjnk ;j nk;<[][;-==-<<<<<';[,
43737 [hjioasdvbnuio;buip^&(FTSD$%*VYUI:buio;sdf}[asdf']
43738 sdoihjfh(_YU*G&F^*CTY98y
43741 Now look what you've gone and done! You've broken it!
43743 Slang is language that takes off its coat, spits on its hands, and goes
43746 Slaves are generally expected to sing as well as to work ... I did not,
43747 when a slave, understand the deep meanings of those rude, and
43748 apparently incoherent songs. I was myself within the circle, so that I
43749 neither saw nor heard as those without might see and hear. They told a
43750 tale which was then altogether beyond my feeble comprehension: they
43751 were tones, loud, long and deep, breathing the prayer and complaint of
43752 souls boiling over with the bitterest anguish. Every tone was a
43753 testimony against slavery, and a prayer to God for deliverance from
43755 -- Frederick Douglass
43757 Sleep -- the most beautiful experience in life -- except drink.
43760 Sleep is for the weak and sickly.
43762 Slick's Three Laws of the Universe:
43763 (1) Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad
43765 (2) A quarter-ounce of chocolate = four pounds of fat.
43766 (3) There are two types of dirt: the dark kind, which is
43767 attracted to light objects, and the light kind, which is
43768 attracted to dark objects.
43771 If you do a job too well, you'll get stuck with it.
43776 Slowly and surely the Unix crept up on the Nintendo user ...
43779 The slime that accumulates on the underside of a soap bar when it
43780 sits in the dish too long.
43781 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
43784 The slime that accumulates on the underside of a soap bar when
43785 it sits in the dish too long.
43786 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
43788 Small change can often be found under seat cushions.
43790 Small is beautiful.
43791 -- Schumacher's Dictum
43793 Small things make base men proud.
43794 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
43796 Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my
43797 teacher was in my class for five years.
43800 Smear the road with a runner!!
43802 Smile! You're on Candid Camera.
43804 Smile, Cthulhu Loathes You.
43806 Smoking is, as far as I'm concerned, the entire point of being an adult.
43809 SMOKING IS NOW ALLOWED !!!
43810 Anyone wishing to smoke, however, must file, in triplicate, the
43811 U.S. government Environmental Impact Narrative Statement (EINS),
43812 describing in detail the type of combustion proposed, impact on
43813 the environment, and anticipated opposition. Statements must be
43814 filed 30 days in advance.
43816 Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.
43819 Smoking Prohibited. Absolutely no ifs, ands, or butts.
43821 Smuggling... It's not just a job, it's an adventure!
43822 -- paid for by your local Colombian recruiting office
43825 The peculiar habit, when searching for a snack, of constantly
43826 returning to the refrigerator in hopes that something new will
43828 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
43830 Snakes. Why did it have to be snakes?
43833 What you'd say if you had another chance.
43835 Snoopy: No problem is so big that it can't be run away from.
43837 Snow and adolescence are the only problems
43838 that disappear if you ignore them long enough.
43840 Snow Day -- stay home.
43842 Snow White has become a camera buff. She spends hours and hours
43843 shooting pictures of the seven dwarfs and their antics. Then she
43844 mails the exposed film to a cut rate photo service. It takes weeks
43845 for the developed film to arrive in the mail, but that is all right
43846 with Snow White. She clears the table, washes the dishes and sweeps
43847 the floor, all the while singing "Someday my prints will come."
43849 So as your consumer electronics adviser, I am advising you to donate
43850 your current VCR to a grate resident, who will laugh sardonically and
43851 hurl it into a dumpster. Then I want you to go out and purchase a vast
43852 array of 8-millimeter video equipment.
43854 ... OK! Got everything? Well, *too bad, sucker*, because while you
43855 were gone the electronics industry came up with an even newer format
43856 that makes your 8-millimeter VCR look as technologically advanced as
43857 toenail dirt. This format is called "3.5 hectare" and it will not be
43858 made available until it is outmoded, sometime early next week, by a
43859 format called "Elroy", so *order yours now*.
43860 -- Dave Barry, "No Surrender in the Electronics
43863 So... did you ever wonder, do garbagemen take showers before they
43866 So do the noble fall. For they are ever caught in a trap of their own making.
43867 A trap -- walled by duty, and locked by reality. Against the greater force
43868 they must fall -- for, against that force they fight because of duty, because
43869 of obligations. And when the noble fall, the base remain. The base -- whose
43870 only purpose is the corruption of what the noble did protect. Whose only
43871 purpose is to destroy. The noble: who, even when fallen, retain a vestige of
43872 strength. For theirs is a strength born of things other than mere force.
43873 Theirs is a strength supreme... theirs is the strength -- to restore.
43874 -- Gerry Conway, "Thor", #193
43876 So far as I can remember, there is not one word in the Gospels in
43877 praise of intelligence.
43878 -- Bertrand Russell
43880 So far as we are human, what we do must be either evil or good: so far
43881 as we do evil or good, we are human: and it is better, in a paradoxical
43882 way, to do evil than to do nothing: at least we exist.
43883 -- T. S. Eliot, essay on Baudelaire
43885 So from the depths of its enchantment, Terra was able to calculate a course
43886 of action. Here at last was an opportunity to consort with Dirbanu on a
43887 friendly basis -- great Dirbanu which, since it had force fields which Earth
43888 could not duplicate, must of necessity have many other things Earth could
43889 use; mighty Dirbanu before whom we would kneel in supplication (with purely-
43890 for-defense bombs hidden in our pockets) with lowered heads (making invisible
43891 the knife in our teeth) and ask for crumbs from their table (in order to
43892 extrapolate the location of their kitchens).
43893 -- T. Sturgeon, "The World Well Lost"
43895 So... how come the Corinthians never wrote back?
43897 So, if there's no God, who changes the water?
43898 -- New Yorker cartoon of two goldfish in a bowl
43900 So I'm ugly. So what? I never saw anyone hit with his face.
43903 So, is the glass half empty, half full, or just twice as
43904 large as it needs to be?
43906 So little time, so little to do.
43909 So live that you wouldn't be ashamed
43910 to sell the family parrot to the town gossip.
43912 So many beautiful women and so little time.
43915 So many men and so little time.
43917 So many men, so many opinions; every one his own way.
43918 -- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence)
43920 So many women, and so little time!
43922 So many women, so little nerve.
43924 So much food, and so little time!
43940 -- William Carlos Williams, "The Red Wheel Barrow"
43963 -- "To Linda", from The Poetry Of H. Ross Perot,
43964 composed for Linda Wertheimer of National Public Radio.
43965 From SPY Magazine, November 1992
43967 "So she went into the garden to cut a cabbage leaf to make an apple
43968 pie; and at the same time a great she-bear, coming up the street pops
43969 its head into the shop. "What! no soap?" So he died, and she very
43970 imprudently married the barber; and there were present the Picninnies,
43971 and the Grand Panjandrum himself, with the little round button at top,
43972 and they all fell to playing the game of catch as catch can, till the
43973 gunpowder ran out at the heels of their boots."
43976 So so is good, very good, very excellent good:
43977 and yet it is not; it is but so so.
43978 -- William Shakespeare, "As You Like It"
43980 So... so you think you can tell
43982 Blue skies from pain? Did they get you to trade
43983 Can you tell a green field Your heroes for ghosts?
43984 From a cold steel rail? Hot ashes for trees?
43985 A smile from a veil? Hot air for a cool breeze?
43986 Do you think you can tell? Cold comfort for change?
43988 A walk on part in a war
43989 For the lead role in a cage?
43990 -- Pink Floyd, "Wish You Were Here"
43992 So the documentary-makers stick with sharks. Generally, their procedure is
43993 to scatter bleeding fish pieces around their boat, so as to infest the
43994 waters. I would estimate that the primary food source of sharks today is
43995 bleeding fish pieces scattered by people making documentaries. Once the
43996 sharks arrive, they are generally fairly listless. The general shark attitude
43997 seems to be: "Oh God, another documentary." So the divers have to somehow
43998 goad them into attacking, under the guise of Scientific Research. "We know
43999 very little about the effect of electricity on sharks," the narrator will
44000 say, in a deeply scientific voice. "That is why Todd is going to jab this
44001 Great White in the testicles with a cattle prod." The divers keep this kind
44002 of thing up until the shark finally gets irritated and snaps at them, and
44003 then they act as though this was a totally unexpected and very dangerous
44004 development, although clearly it is what they wanted all along.
44007 So this it it. We're going to die.
44009 So, what's with this guy Gideon, anyway? And why can't he ever
44010 remember his Bible?
44012 So, you better watch out!
44013 You better not cry!
44014 You better not pout!
44015 I'm telling you why,
44016 Santa Claus is coming, to town.
44018 He knows when you've been sleeping,
44019 He know when you're awake.
44020 He knows if you've been bad or good,
44021 He has ties with the CIA.
44024 "So you don't have to, Cindy, but I was wondering if you might
44025 want to go to someplace, you know, with me, sometime."
44026 "Well, I can think of a lot of worse things, David."
44028 "Why not, David, it might even be fun."
44029 -- Dating in Minnesota
44031 So you see Antonio, why worry about one little core dump, eh? In reality all
44032 core dumps happen at the same instant, so the core dump you will have tomorrow,
44033 why, it already happened. You see, its just a little universal recursive joke
44034 which threads our lives through the infinite potential of the instant. So go
44035 to sleep, Antonio, your thread could break any moment and cast you out of the
44036 safe security of the instant into the dark void of eternity, the anti-time.
44037 So go to sleep, ...
44039 So you see Antonio, why worry about one little core dump, eh? In reality
44040 all core dumps happen at the same instant, so the core dump you will have
44041 tomorrow, why, it already happened. You see, it's just a little universal
44042 recursive joke which threads our lives through the infinite potential of
44043 the instant. So go to sleep, Antonio, your thread could break any moment
44044 and cast you out of the safe security of the instant into the dark void of
44045 eternity, the anti-time. So go to sleep...
44047 So you think that money is the root of all evil.
44048 Have you ever asked what is the root of money?
44051 So you're back... about time...
44053 Soap and education are not as sudden as a
44054 massacre, but they are more deadly in the long run.
44058 You have two cows. Give one to your neighbour.
44061 Give both to the government. The government gives you milk.
44063 You sell one cow and buy a bull.
44065 You have two cows. Give milk to the government.
44066 The government sells it.
44068 The government shoots you and takes the cows.
44070 The government shoots one cow,
44071 milks the other, and pours the milk down the sink.
44073 Keep the cows. Steal another one. Shoot the government.
44075 Freeze the milk. Embalm the cows.
44078 Sooner or later, the worst possible set of circumstances is
44082 Formal evening attire for female computer analysts.
44084 Software production is assumed to be a line function, but it is run
44085 like a staff function."
44088 Software suppliers are trying to make their software packages more
44089 "user-friendly". ... Their best approach, so far, has been to take all
44090 the old brochures, and stamp the words, "user-friendly" on the cover.
44091 -- Bill Gates, Microsoft, Inc.
44093 Soldiers who wish to be a hero
44094 Are practically zero,
44095 But those who wish to be civilians,
44096 They run into the millions.
44098 Solipsists of the World... you are already united.
44101 Solutions are obvious if one only has the
44102 optical power to observe them over the horizon.
44105 Some books are to be tasted, others to be swallowed,
44106 and some few to be chewed and digested.
44108 [As anyone who has ever owned a puppy already knows. Ed.]
44110 Some changes are so slow, you don't notice them.
44111 Others are so fast, they don't notice you.
44113 Some circumstantial evidence is very strong,
44114 as when you find a trout in the milk.
44117 Some don't prefer the pursuit of happiness to the happiness of pursuit.
44119 Some husbands are living proof that a woman can take a joke.
44121 Some marriages are made in heaven -- but so are thunder and lightning.
44123 Some men are alive simply because it is against the law to kill them.
44126 Some men are all right in their place -- if they only the knew the right
44130 Some men are discovered; others are found out.
44132 Some men are heterosexual, and some are bisexual, and some men don't think
44133 about sex at all... they become lawyers.
44136 Some men are so interested in their wives continued happiness
44137 that they hire detectives to find out the reason for it.
44139 Some men are so macho they'll get you pregnant just to kill a rabbit.
44142 Some men feel that the only thing they owe
44143 the woman who marries them is a grudge.
44146 Some men love truth so much that they seem to be in continual fear
44147 lest she should catch a cold on overexposure.
44150 Some men rob you with a six-gun -- others with a fountain pen.
44153 Some men who fear that they are playing
44154 second fiddle aren't in the band at all.
44156 Some of my readers ask me what a "Serial Port" is.
44157 The answer is: I don't know.
44158 Is it some kind of wine you have with breakfast?
44160 Some of the most interesting documents from Sweden's middle ages are the
44161 old county laws (well, we never had counties but it's the nearest equivalent
44162 I can find for "landskap"). These laws were written down sometime in the
44163 13th century, but date back even down into Viking times. The oldest one is
44164 the Vastgota law which clearly has pagan influences, thinly covered with some
44165 Christian stuff. In this law, we find a page about "lekare", which is the
44166 Old Norse word for a performing artist, actor/jester/musician etc. Here is
44167 an approximate translation, where I have written "artist" as equivalent of
44169 "If an artist is beaten, none shall pay fines for it. If an artist
44170 is wounded, one such who goes with hurdie-gurdie or travels with
44171 fiddle or drum, then the people shall take a wild heifer and bring
44172 it out on the hillside. Then they shall shave off all hair from the
44173 heifer's tail, and grease the tail. Then the artist shall be given
44174 newly greased shoes. Then he shall take hold of the heifer's tail,
44175 and a man shall strike it with a sharp whip. If he can hold her, he
44176 shall have the animal. If he cannot hold her, he shall endure what
44177 he received, shame and wounds."
44179 Some of the things that live the longest
44180 in peoples' memories never really happened.
44182 Some of them want to use you,
44183 Some of them want to be used by you,
44184 ...Everybody's looking for something.
44187 Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry.
44190 Some of you ... may have decided that, this year, you're going to
44191 celebrate it the old-fashioned way, with your family sitting around
44192 stringing cranberries and exchanging humble, handmade gifts, like on
44193 "The Waltons". Well, you can forget it. If everybody pulled that kind
44194 of subversive stunt, the economy would collapse overnight. The
44195 government would have to intervene: it would form a cabinet-level
44196 Department of Holiday Gift-Giving, which would spend billions and
44197 billions of tax dollars to buy Barbie dolls and electronic games, which
44198 it would drop on the populace from Air Force jets, killing and maiming
44199 thousands. So, for the good of the nation, you should go along with
44200 the Holiday Program. This means you should get a large sum of money
44202 -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
44204 Some parts of the past must be preserved,
44205 and some of the future prevented at all costs.
44207 Some people are afraid of heights. I'm afraid of widths.
44210 Some people are born mediocre, some people achieve mediocrity, and some
44211 people have mediocrity thrust upon them.
44212 -- Joseph Heller, "Catch-22"
44214 Some people around here wouldn't recognize
44215 subtlety if it hit them on the head.
44217 Some people call them "cars" or "trucks"; I call them "dimensional
44218 transmogrifiers" because they change three-dimensional cats into
44219 two-dimensional ones.
44220 -- F. Frederick Skitty
44222 Some people carve careers, others chisel them.
44224 Some people cause happiness wherever
44225 they go; others, whenever they go.
44227 Some people claim that the UNIX learning curve is steep,
44228 but at least you only have to climb it once.
44230 Some people have a great ambition: to build something
44231 that will last, at least until they've finished building it.
44233 Some people have a way about them that seems to say: "If I have only
44234 one life to live, let me live it as a jerk."
44236 Some people have no respect for age unless it's bottled.
44238 Some people have parts that are so private
44239 they themselves have no knowledge of them.
44241 Some people in this department wouldn't recognize subtlety if it hit
44244 Some people live life in the fast lane. You're in oncoming traffic.
44246 Some people manage by the book, even though they
44247 don't know who wrote the book or even what book.
44249 Some people need a good imaginary cure
44250 for their painful imaginary ailment.
44252 Some people only open up to tell you that they're closed.
44254 Some people pray for more than they are willing to work for.
44256 Some people say a front-engine car handles best. Some people say a
44257 rear-engine car handles best. I say a rented car handles best.
44260 Some peoples mouths work faster than their brains.
44261 They say things they haven't even thought of yet.
44263 Some performers on television appear to be horrible people, but when
44264 you finally get to know them in person, they turn out to be even
44268 Some points to remember [about animals]:
44270 (1) Don't go to sleep under big animals, e.g., elephants, rhinoceri,
44272 (2) Don't put animals with sharp teeth or poisonous fangs down the
44273 front of your clothes;
44274 (3) Don't pat certain animals, e.g., crocodiles and scorpions or dogs
44275 you have just kicked.
44276 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
44278 Some primal termite knocked on wood.
44279 And tasted it, and found it good.
44280 And that is why your Cousin May
44281 Fell through the parlor floor today.
44284 Some programming languages manage to absorb change, but withstand
44286 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
44288 Some rise by sin and some by virtue fall.
44290 Some say the world will end in fire,
44292 From what I've tasted of desire
44293 I hold with those who favor fire.
44294 But if it had to perish twice
44295 I think I know enough of hate
44296 To say that for destruction, ice
44299 -- Robert Frost, "Fire and Ice"
44301 Some scholars are like donkeys, they merely carry a lot of books.
44304 Some things have to be believed to be seen.
44306 Somebody left the cork out of my lunch.
44309 Somebody ought to cross ball point pens with coat hangers so that the
44310 pens will multiply instead of disappear.
44312 Somebody's moggy, by the side of the road,
44313 Somebody's pussy, who forgot his highway code,
44314 Somebody's favourite feline, who ran clean out of luck,
44315 When he ran onto the road, and tried to argue with a truck.
44317 Yesterday he purred and played, in his pussy paradise,
44318 Decapitating tweety birds, and masticating mice.
44319 Now he's just six pounds of raw mince meat,
44320 That don't smell very nice --
44321 He's nobody's moggy now.
44323 Oh you who love your pussy,
44324 Be sure to keep him in.
44325 Don't let him argue with a truck, If he tries to play
44326 The truck is bound to win. On the road way
44327 And upon the busy road, I'm afraid that will be that,
44328 Don't let him play or frolic. There will be one last despairing
44329 If you do, I'm warning you, "Meow!"
44330 It could be cat-astrophic! And a sort of squelchy Splat!
44331 And your pussy will be slightly dead,
44332 He's nobody's moggy -- And very, very flat!
44333 Just red and squashed and soggy --
44334 He's nobody's moggy now.
44335 -- Eric Bogle, "Scraps of Paper"
44337 Somebody's terminal is dropping bits.
44338 I found a pile of them over in the corner.
44340 Someday somebody has got to decide whether the
44341 typewriter is the machine, or the person who operates it.
44343 Someday, Weederman, we'll look back on all this and laugh... It will
44344 probably be one of those deep, eerie ones that slowly builds to a
44345 blood-curdling maniacal scream... but still it will be a laugh.
44348 Someday we'll look back on this moment and plow into a parked car.
44351 Someday you'll get your big chance -- or have you already had it?
44353 Someday your prints will come.
44356 Somehow I reached excess without ever noticing
44357 when I was passing through satisfaction.
44358 -- Ashleigh Brilliant
44360 Somehow, the world always affects you more than you affect it.
44362 Someone did a study of the three most-often-heard phrases in New York
44363 City. One is "Hey, taxi." Two is, "What train do I take to get to
44364 Bloomingdale's?" And three is, "Don't worry. It's just a flesh wound."
44367 Someone is speaking well of you.
44370 Someone is unenthusiastic about your work.
44372 Someone whom you reject today, will reject you tomorrow.
44374 Someone will try to honk your nose today.
44376 Something better...
44378 1 (obvious): Excuse me. Is that your nose or did a bus park on your face?
44379 2 (meteorological): Everybody take cover. She's going to blow.
44380 3 (fashionable): You know, you could de-emphasize your nose if you wore
44381 something larger. Like ... Wyoming.
44382 4 (personal): Well, here we are. Just the three of us.
44383 5 (punctual): Alright gentlemen. Your nose was on time but you were fifteen
44385 6 (envious): Oooo, I wish I were you. Gosh. To be able to smell your
44387 7 (naughty): Pardon me, Sir. Some of the ladies have asked if you wouldn't
44388 mind putting that thing away.
44389 8 (philosophical): You know. It's not the size of a nose that's important.
44390 It's what's in it that matters.
44391 9 (humorous): Laugh and the world laughs with you. Sneeze and its goodbye
44393 10 (commercial): Hi, I'm Earl Schibe and I can paint that nose for $39.95.
44394 11 (polite): Ah. Would you mind not bobbing your head. The orchestra keeps
44396 12 (melodic): Everybody! "He's got the whole world in his nose."
44397 -- Steve Martin, "Roxanne"
44399 Something unpleasant is coming when men are anxious to tell the truth.
44400 -- Benjamin Disraeli
44402 Something's rotten in the state of Denmark.
44403 -- William Shakespeare
44405 Sometime when you least expect it, Love will tap you on the shoulder...
44406 and ask you to move out of the way because it still isn't your turn.
44409 Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.
44412 Sometimes a man who deserves to be looked down upon because he is a
44413 fool is despised only because he is a lawyer.
44416 Sometimes, at the end of the day, when I'm
44417 smiling and shaking their hands, I want to kick them.
44420 Sometimes even to live is an act of courage.
44423 Sometimes I feel like I'm fading away,
44424 Looking at me, I got nothin' to say.
44425 Don't make me angry with the things games that you play,
44426 Either light up or leave me alone.
44428 Sometimes I get the feeling that I went to a party on Perry Lane in 1962, and
44429 the party spilled out of the house, and came down the street, and covered the
44433 Sometimes I live in the country,
44434 And sometimes I live in town.
44435 And sometimes I have a great notion,
44436 To jump in the river and drown.
44438 "Sometimes I simply feel that the whole world is a cigarette and I'm
44441 Sometimes I wonder if I'm in my right mind.
44442 Then it passes off and I'm as intelligent as ever.
44443 -- Samuel Beckett, "Endgame"
44445 Sometimes I worry about being a success in a mediocre world.
44448 Sometimes it happens. People just explode. Natural causes.
44451 Sometimes love ain't nothing but a misunderstanding between two fools.
44453 SOMETIMES THE BEAUTY OF THE WORLD is so overwhelming, I just want to throw
44454 back my head and gargle. Just gargle and gargle and I don't care who hears
44455 me because I am beautiful.
44456 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican", 1988.
44458 Sometimes the best medicine is to stop taking something.
44460 Sometimes the light is all shining on me,
44461 Other times I can hardly see.
44462 Lately it occurs to me
44463 What a long strange trip it's been.
44464 -- The Grateful Dead, "American Beauty"
44466 Sometimes, too long is too long.
44469 Sometimes when I get up in the morning, I feel very peculiar. I feel
44470 like I've just got to bite a cat! I feel like if I don't bite a cat
44471 before sundown, I'll go crazy! But then I just take a deep breath and
44472 forget about it. That's what is known as real maturity.
44475 Sometimes, when I think of what that girl means
44476 to me, it's all I can do to keep from telling her.
44479 Sometimes when you look into his eyes you get the feeling that someone
44483 Sometimes you get an almost irresistible urge to go on living.
44485 Somewhere, just out of sight, the unicorns are gathering.
44487 Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a
44488 woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped.
44491 "Somewhere", said Father Vittorini, "did Blake not speak of the
44492 Machineries of Joy? That is, did not God promote environments, then
44493 intimidate these Natures by provoking the existence of flesh, toy men
44494 and women, such as are we all? And thus happily sent forth, at our
44495 best, with good grace and fine wit, on calm noons, in fair climes, are
44496 we not God's Machineries of Joy?"
44498 "If Blake said that", said Father Brian, "he never lived in Dublin."
44499 -- Ray Bradbury, "The Machineries of Joy"
44501 Somewhere, something incredible is waiting to be known.
44504 Son, someday a man is going to walk up to you with a deck of cards on which
44505 the seal is not yet broken. And he is going to offer to bet you that he can
44506 make the Ace of Spades jump out of the deck and squirt cider in your ears.
44507 But son, do not bet this man, for you will end up with an ear full of cider.
44508 -- Sky Masterson's Father
44510 Song Title of the Week:
44511 "They're putting dimes in the hole in my head to see the change
44514 Sooner or later you must pay for your sins. (Those who have already
44515 paid may disregard this fortune).
44517 Sorry. I forget what I was going to say.
44521 Sorry never means having you're say to love.
44523 Sorry, no fortune this time.
44525 Space is big. You just won't believe how vastly, hugely, mind-
44526 bogglingly big it is. I mean, you may think it's a long way down the
44527 road to the drug store, but that's just peanuts to space.
44528 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
44530 Space is to place as eternity is to time.
44533 Space tells matter how to move and matter tells space how to curve.
44536 Space: the final frontier. These are the voyages of the starship Enterprise.
44537 Its five-year mission: to explore strange new worlds; to seek out new life
44538 and new civilizations; to boldly go where no man has gone before.
44539 -- Captain James T. Kirk
44542 Any of the millions of Styrofoam wads that accompany mail-order items.
44543 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
44545 "Spare no expense to save money on this one."
44548 Spark's Sixth Rule for Managers:
44549 If a subordinate asks you a pertinent question, look at him as
44550 if he had lost his senses. When he looks down, paraphrase the question
44553 Speak roughly to your little boy,
44554 And beat him when he sneezes:
44555 He only does it to annoy
44556 Because he knows it teases.
44560 I speak severely to my boy,
44561 And beat him when he sneezes:
44562 For he can thoroughly enjoy
44563 The pepper when he pleases!
44566 -- Lewis Carroll, "Alice in Wonderland"
44568 Speak roughly to your little VAX,
44569 And boot it when it crashes;
44570 It knows that one cannot relax
44571 Because the paging thrashes!
44575 I speak severely to my VAX,
44576 And boot it when it crashes;
44577 In spite of all my favorite hacks
44578 My jobs it always thrashes!
44582 Speak softly and carry a +6 two-handed sword.
44584 Speak softly and own a big, mean Doberman.
44587 "Speak, thou vast and venerable head," muttered Ahab, "which, though
44588 ungarnished with a beard, yet here and there lookest hoary with mosses; speak,
44589 mighty head, and tell us the secret thing that is in thee. Of all divers,
44590 thou has dived the deepest. That head upon which the upper sun now gleams has
44591 moved amid the world's foundations. Where unrecorded names and navies rust,
44592 and untold hopes and anchors rot; where in her murderous hold this frigate
44593 earth is ballasted with bones of millions of the drowned; there, in that awful
44594 water-land, there was thy most familiar home. Thou hast been where bell or
44595 diver never went; has slept by many a sailer's side, where sleepless mothers
44596 would give their lives to lay them down. Thou saw'st the locked lovers when
44597 leaping from their flaming ship; heart to heart they sank beneath the exulting
44598 wave; true to each other, when heaven seemed false to them. Thou saw'st the
44599 murdered mate when tossed by pirates from the midnight deck; for hours he fell
44600 into the deeper midnight of the insatiate maw; and his murderers still sailed
44601 on unharmed -- while swift lightnings shivered the neighboring ship that would
44602 have borne a righteous husband to outstretched, longing arms. O head! thou has
44603 seen enough to split the planets and make an infidel of Abraham, and not one
44604 syllable is thine!"
44605 -- H. Melville, "Moby Dick"
44607 Speaking as someone who has delved into the intricacies of PL/I, I am
44608 sure that only Real Men could have written such a machine-hogging,
44609 cycle-grabbing, all-encompassing monster. Allocate an array and free
44610 the middle third? Sure! Why not? Multiply a character string times a
44611 bit string and assign the result to a float decimal? Go ahead! Free a
44612 controlled variable procedure parameter and reallocate it before
44613 passing it back? Overlay three different types of variable on the same
44614 memory location? Anything you say! Write a recursive macro? Well,
44615 no, but Real Men use rescan. How could a language so obviously
44616 designed and written by Real Men not be intended for Real Man use?
44618 Speaking of Godzilla and other things that convey horror:
44620 With a purposeful grimace and a Mongo-like flair
44621 He throws the spinning disk drives in the air!
44622 And he picks up a Vax and he throws it back down
44623 As he wades through the lab making terrible sounds!
44624 Helpless users with projects due
44625 Scream "My God!" as he stomps on the tape drives, too!
44627 Oh, no! He says Unix runs too slow! Go, go, DECzilla!
44628 Oh, yes! He's gonna bring up VMS! Go, go, DECzilla!"
44630 * VMS is a trademark of Digital Equipment Corporation
44631 * DECzilla is a trademark of Hollow Chocolate Bunnies of Death, Inc.
44634 Speaking of love, one problem that recurs more and more frequently
44635 these days, in books and plays and movies, is the inability of people
44636 to communicate with the people they love; Husbands and wives who can't
44637 communicate, children who can't communicate with their parents, and so
44638 on. And the characters in these books and plays and so on (and in real
44639 life, I might add) spend hours bemoaning the fact that they can't
44640 communicate. I feel that if a person can't communicate, the very _____
\b\b\b\b\bleast
44641 he can do is to Shut Up!
44642 -- Tom Lehrer, "That Was the Year that Was"
44644 Speaking of purchasing a dog, never buy a watchdog that's
44645 on sale. After all, everyone knows a bargain dog never bites!
44647 Special tonight, the best toot in town at prices you won't believe!!
44648 Also, the finest dope, brought all the way from Columbia by spirited
44649 young adventurers. All available tonight, as usual, in the graduate
44650 students bullpen from 11: pm on, usual terms and conditions.
44651 Faculty members especially welcome.
44653 "Speed is subsittute fo accurancy."
44655 Speed upon county roads will be limited to ten miles an hour unless the
44656 motorist sees a bailiff who does not appear to have had a drink in 30 days,
44657 when the driver will be permitted to make what he can.
44658 -- Proposed legislation, Illinois State Legislature, May, 1907
44660 Speer's 1st Law of Proofreading:
44661 The visibility of an error is inversely proportional to the
44662 number of times you have looked at it.
44664 Spelling is a lossed art.
44666 Spence's Admonition:
44667 Never stow away on a kamikaze plane.
44669 Spend extra time on hobby. Get plenty of rolling papers.
44675 The fine stream from a grapefruit that always lands right in
44677 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
44679 Spock: The odds of surviving another
44680 attack are 13562190123 to 1, Captain.
44682 Spock: We suffered 23 casualties in that attack, Captain.
44685 Someone who'll stand by you through all the trouble you
44686 wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single.
44688 Spring is here, spring is here,
44689 Life is skittles and life is beer.
44692 The button at the top of a baseball cap.
44693 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
44695 Squirrels eating squirrels, my God, that's sick.
44697 St. Patrick was a gentleman
44698 who through strategy and stealth
44699 drove all the snakes from Ireland.
44700 Here's a toasting to his health --
44701 but not too many toastings
44702 lest you lose yourself and then
44703 forget the good St. Patrick
44704 and see all those snakes again.
44706 Stability itself is nothing else than a more sluggish motion.
44708 Staff meeting in the conference room in 3 minutes.
44710 Stalin was dying, and summoned Khruschev to his bedside. Wheezing his last
44711 words with difficulty, Stalin tells Khruschev, "The reins of the country are
44712 now in your hands. But before I go, I want to give you some advice."
44713 "Yes, yes, what is it?" says Khruschev, impatiently. Reaching under
44714 his pillow, Stalin produced two envelopes labeled #1 and #2.
44715 "Take these letters," he tells Khruschev. "Keep them safely -- don't
44716 open them. Only if the country is in turmoil and things aren't going well,
44717 open the first one. That'll give you some advice on what to do. And, if
44718 after that, if things start getting REALLY bad, open the second one." And
44719 with a gasp Stalin breathed his last.
44720 Well, within a few years Khruschev started having problems --
44721 unemployment increased, crops failed, people became restless. He decided it
44722 was time to open the first letter. All it said was: "Blame everything on me!"
44723 So Khruschev launched a massive deStalinization campaign, and blamed Stalin
44724 for all the excesses and purges and ills of the present system.
44725 But things continued on the downslide, and, finally, after much
44726 deliberation, Khruschev opened the second letter.
44727 All it said was: "Write two letters."
44729 Stamp out organized crime!! Abolish the IRS.
44731 Stamp out philately.
44734 The principles we use to reject other people's code.
44736 Standards are different for all things, so the standard set by man is by
44737 no means the only "certain" standard. If you mistake what is relative for
44738 something certain, you have strayed far from the ultimate truth.
44741 Standing on head makes smile of frown, but rest of face also upside down.
44743 Stanford women are responsible for the success of many Stanford men:
44744 they give them "just one more reason" to stay in and study every night.
44746 "Star Wars is adolescent nonsense; Close Encounters is obscurantist
44747 drivel; Star Trek can turn your brains to pur'
\bee of bat guano; and the
44748 greatest science fiction series of all time is Doctor Who! And I'll
44749 take you all on, one-by-one or all in a bunch to back it up!"
44752 Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
44755 Start the day with a smile.
44756 After that you can be your nasty old self again.
44758 State license plates we'd like to see:
44760 NEVADA MASSACHUSETTS
44762 LAND OF 10,00 ELVIS IMPERSONATORS THE GOOFY ACCENT STATE
44766 FRUITY UMBRELLA COCKTAIL WONDERLAND EAT CHEESE OR DIE
44768 State license plates we'd like to see:
44772 THE UFO SIGHTING STATE THE HEAT PROSTRATION STATE
44774 CONNECTICUT MISSISSIPPI
44776 WHERE THE SMART NY WORK FORCE LIVES THE MOST OFTEN MISSPELLED STATE
44780 PLAY FOOTBALL OR DIE AMERICA'S DRUG DEALER
44782 State license plates we'd like to see:
44784 MICHIGAN CALIFORNIA
44785 4-GET 74-77 EGO-MN-E-X
44786 EMBARRASSED HOME STATE OF GERALD FORD THE SERIAL KILLER STATE
44788 NORTH CAROLINA NEW JERSEY
44790 HOME OF GOMER, GOOBER AND JESSE HELMS FIRST IN TOXIC WASTE
44792 KANSAS WASHINGTON DC
44793 TOTO -2 $10000000 ETC
44794 THE NOT MUCH SINCE THE WIZARD OF OZ WASTING YOUR MONEY SINCE 1810
44798 A system for expressing your political
44799 prejudices in convincing scientific guise.
44801 Statistics are no substitute for judgement.
44804 Statistics means never having to say you're certain.
44806 Stay away from flying saucers today.
44808 Stay away from hurricanes for a while.
44812 Stay together, drag each other down.
44814 Stayed in bed all morning just to pass the time,
44815 There's something wrong here, there can be no more denying,
44816 One of us is changing, or maybe we just stopped trying,
44818 And it's too late, baby, now, it's too late,
44819 Though we really did try to make it,
44820 Something inside has died and I can't hide and I just can't fake it...
44822 It used to be so easy living here with you,
44823 You were light and breezy and I knew just what to do
44824 Now you look so unhappy and I feel like a fool.
44826 There'll be good times again for me and you,
44827 But we just can't stay together, don't you feel it too?
44828 But I'm glad for what we had and that I once loved you...
44830 But it's too late baby...
44831 It's too late, now darling, it's too late...
44832 -- Carol King, "Tapestry"
44834 Steady movement is more important than speed, much of the time. So
44835 long as there is a regular progression of stimuli to get your mental
44836 hooks into, there is room for lateral movement. Once this begins,
44837 its rate is a matter of discretion.
44838 -- Corwin, "Prince of Amber"
44840 Stealing a rhinoceros should not be attempted lightly.
44842 Steckel's Rule to Success:
44843 Good enough is never good enough.
44845 Steele's Plagiarism of Somebody's Philosophy:
44846 Everybody should believe in something -- I believe I'll have
44849 Steinbach's Guideline for Systems Programming:
44850 Never test for an error condition you don't know how to
44853 Stellar rays prove fibbing never pays.
44854 Embezzlement is another matter.
44857 The sooner you fall behind, the more time you will have to catch up.
44859 Step back, unbelievers!
44860 Or the rain will never come.
44861 Somebody keep the fire burning, someone come and beat the drum.
44862 You may think I'm crazy, you may think that I'm insane,
44863 But I swear to you, before this day is out,
44864 you folks are gonna see some rain!
44866 Still a few bugs in the system... Someday I have to tell you about Uncle
44867 Nahum from Maine, who spent years trying to cross a jellyfish with a shad
44868 so he could breed boneless shad. His experiment backfired too, and he
44869 wound up with bony jellyfish... which was hardly worth the trouble. There's
44870 very little call for those up there.
44871 -- Allucquere R. "Sandy" Stone
44873 Still looking for the glorious results of my misspent youth.
44874 Say, do you have a map to the next joint?
44876 Stinginess with privileges is kindness in disguise.
44877 -- Guide to VAX/VMS Security, Sep. 1984
44879 Stock's Observation:
44880 You no sooner get your head above water
44881 but what someone pulls your flippers off.
44884 One man's "simple" is another man's "huh?"
44886 Stop! There was first a game of blindman's buff. Of course there was.
44887 And I no more believe Topper was really blind than I believe he had eyes
44888 in his boots. My opinion is, that it was a done thing between him and
44889 Scrooge's nephew; and that the Ghost of Christmas Present knew it. The
44890 way he went after that plump sister in the lace tucker, was an outrage
44891 on the credulity of human nature.
44893 Stop me, before I kill again!
44895 Stop searching. Happiness is right next to you.
44897 Stop searching. Happiness is right next to you. Now, if they'd only
44900 Stop searching forever. Happiness is just next to you.
44902 Stop searching forever. Happiness is unattainable.
44904 Strange things are done to be number one
44905 In selling the computer The Druids were entrepreneurs,
44906 IBM has their strategem And they built a granite box
44907 Which steadily grows acuter, It tracked the moon, warned of monsoons,
44908 And Honeywell competes like Hell, And forecast the equinox
44909 But the story's missing link Their price was right, their future
44910 Is the system old at Stonemenge sold bright,
44911 By the firm of Druids, Inc. The prototype was sold;
44912 From Stonehenge site their bits and byte
44913 Would ship for Celtic gold.
44914 The movers came to crate the frame;
44915 It weighed a million ton!
44916 The traffic folk thought it a joke The man spoke true, and thus to you
44917 (the wagon wheels just spun); A warning from the ages;
44918 "They'll nay sell that," the foreman Your stock will slip if you can't ship
44919 spat, What's in your brochure's pages.
44920 "Just leave the wild weeds grow; See if it sells without the bells
44921 "It's Druid-kind, over-designed, And strings that ring and quiver;
44922 "And belly up they'll go." Druid repute went down the chute
44923 Because they couldn't deliver.
44924 -- Edward C. McManus, "The Computer at Stonehenge"
44927 A comprehensive plan of inaction.
44930 A long-range plan whose merit cannot be evaluated until sometime
44931 after those creating it have left the organization.
44933 Straw? No, too stupid a fad. I put soot on warts.
44935 Stress has been pinpointed as a major cause of illness. To avoid overload
44936 and burnout, keep stress out of your life. Give it to others instead. Learn
44937 the "Gaslight" treatment, the "Are you talking to me?" technique, and the
44938 "Do you feel okay? You look pale." approach. Start with negotiation and
44939 implication. Advance to manipulation and humiliation. Above all, relax
44940 and have a nice day.
44942 Stuckness shouldn't be avoided. It's the psychic predecessor of all
44943 real understanding. An egoless acceptance of stuckness is a key to an
44944 understanding of all Quality, in mechanical work as in other endeavors.
44945 -- Robert Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance"
44948 Our problems are mostly behind us. What we have to do now is
44949 fight the solutions.
44952 Losing $25 on the game and $25 on the instant replay.
44954 Stupidity got us into this mess -- why can't it get us out?
44956 Stupidity is its own reward.
44959 90% of everything is crud.
44961 Style may not be the answer, but at least it's a workable alternative.
44963 Suaviter in modo, fortiter in re.
44964 Se non e vero, e ben trovato.
44966 Substitute "damn" every time you're inclined to write "very"; your
44967 editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.
44970 Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way
44971 before it is understood.
44973 Suburbia is where the developer bulldozes out the trees, then names
44974 the streets after them.
44977 Success is a journey, not a destination.
44979 Success is getting what you want; happiness is wanting what you get.
44981 Success is in the minds of Fools.
44982 -- William Wrenshaw, 1578
44984 Success is relative: It is what we can make of the mess we have
44986 -- T. S. Eliot, "The Family Reunion"
44988 Success is something I will dress for when I get there, and not until.
44990 Succumb to natural tendencies. Be hateful and boring.
44992 Such a fine first dream!
44993 But they laughed at me; they said
44996 Such a foolish notion, that war is called devotion,
44997 when the greatest warriors are the ones who stand for peace.
44999 Such efforts are almost always slow, laborious, political,
45000 petty, boring, ponderous, thankless, and of the utmost criticality.
45001 -- Leonard Kleinrock, on standards efforts
45003 Such evil deeds could religion prompt.
45004 -- Titus Lucretius Carus
45006 Sudden Death Dating:
45009 Am I worried about taking his last name? Forget it,
45010 at this point I'll take his first name, too.
45012 Suddenly, Professor Liebowitz realizes he has come to the seminar
45013 without his duck ...
45015 Suffering alone exists, none who suffer;
45016 The deed there is, but no doer thereof;
45017 Nirvana is, but no one is seeking it;
45018 The Path there is, but none who travel it.
45019 -- "Buddhist Symbolism", Symbols and Values
45021 Suggest you just sit there and wait till life gets easier.
45023 Suicide is simply a case of mistaken identity.
45025 Suicide is the sincerest form of self-criticism.
45030 Sun in the night, everyone is together,
45031 Ascending into the heavens, life is forever.
45032 -- Brand X, "Moroccan Roll/Sun in the Night"
45035 The Network IS the Load Average.
45037 (Sung to the tune of "The Impossible Dream" from MAN OF LA MANCHA)
45039 To code the impossible code,
45040 To bring up a virgin machine,
45041 To pop out of endless recursion,
45042 To grok what appears on the screen,
45044 To right the unrightable bug,
45045 To endlessly twiddle and thrash,
45046 To mount the unmountable magtape,
45047 To stop the unstoppable crash!
45050 Pronounced atmospheric scattering of shorter wavelengths,
45051 resulting in selective transmission below 650 nanometers with
45052 progressively reducing solar elevation.
45054 Superstition, idolatry, and hypocrisy
45055 have ample wages, but truth goes a-begging.
45058 Superstitions typically involve seeing order where in fact there is
45059 none, and denial amounts to rejecting evidence of regularities,
45060 sometimes even ones that are staring us in the face.
45061 -- Murray Gell-Mann, "Quark and the Jaguar"
45063 Supervisor: Do you think you understand the basic ideas of Quantum Mechanics?
45064 Supervisee: Ah! Well, what do we mean by "to understand" in the context of
45066 Supervisor: You mean "No", don't you?
45068 -- Overheard at a supervision
45070 Support bacteria -- it's the only culture some people have!
45072 Support Bingo, keep Grandma off the streets.
45074 Support mental health or I'LL KILL YOU!!!!
45076 Support the American Kidney Foundation.
45077 Don't wear your motorcycle helmet.
45079 Support the Girl Scouts!
45080 (Today's Brownie is tomorrow's Cookie!)
45082 Support wildlife -- vote for an orgy.
45084 Support your local church or synagogue.
45085 Worship at Bank of America.
45087 Support your local police force -- steal!!
45089 Support your local Search and Rescue unit -- get lost.
45091 Support your right to arm bears!!
45093 Support your right to bare arms!
45094 -- A message from the National Short-Sleeved Shirt Association
45096 Suppose for a moment that the automobile industry had developed at the same
45097 rate as computers and over the same period: how much cheaper and more
45098 efficient would the current models be? If you have not already heard the
45099 analogy, the answer is shattering. Today you would be able to buy a
45100 Rolls-Royce for $2.75, it would do three million miles to the gallon, and
45101 it would deliver enough power to drive the Queen Elizabeth II. And if you
45102 were interested in miniaturization, you could place half a dozen of them on
45104 -- Christopher Evans
45106 Sure he's sharp as a razor ... he's a two-dimensional pinhead!
45108 Sure there are dishonest men in local government. But there are dishonest
45109 men in national government too.
45112 "Surely you can't be serious."
45113 "I am serious, and don't call me Shirley."
45115 Surly to bed, surly to rise, makes you about average.
45117 Surprise! You are the lucky winner of random I.R.S. Audit! Just type
45118 in your name and social security number. Please remember that leaving
45119 the room is punishable under law:
45125 Surprise due today. Also the rent.
45127 Surprise your boss. Get to work on time.
45130 When that-which-may-still-be-alive is put on top of rice and
45131 strapped on with electrical tape.
45134 The way of the tuna.
45136 Suspicion always haunts the guilty mind.
45137 -- William Shakespeare
45140 The language used by the National Enquirer to print their
45144 Swap read error. You lose your mind.
45147 A garment worn by a child when their mother feels chilly.
45150 A garment worn by a child when its mother feels chilly.
45152 Sweet April showers do spring May flowers.
45155 Sweet sixteen is beautiful Bess,
45156 And her voice is changing -- from "No" to "Yes".
45158 Swerve me? The path to my fixed purpose is laid with iron rails,
45159 whereon my soul is grooved to run. Over unsounded gorges, through
45160 the rifled hearts of mountains, under torrents' beds, unerringly
45162 -- Captain Ahab, "Moby Dick"
45164 Swipple's Rule of Order:
45165 He who shouts the loudest has the floor.
45167 Symptom: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, beer is
45168 unusually pale and clear.
45169 Problem: Glass empty.
45170 Action Required: Find someone who will buy you another beer.
45172 Symptom: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction,
45173 and the front of your shirt is wet.
45174 Fault: Mouth not open when drinking or glass applied to
45175 wrong part of face.
45176 Action Required: Buy another beer and practice in front of mirror.
45177 Drink as many as needed to perfect drinking technique.
45179 -- Bar Troubleshooting
45181 Symptom: Everything has gone dark.
45182 Fault: The Bar is closing.
45183 Action Required: Panic.
45185 Symptom: You awaken to find your bed hard, cold and wet.
45186 You cannot see the bathroom light.
45187 Fault: You have spent the night in the gutter.
45188 Action Required: Check your watch to see if bars are open yet. If not,
45189 treat yourself to a lie-in.
45191 -- Bar Troubleshooting
45193 Symptom: Feet cold and wet, glass empty.
45194 Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
45195 Action Required: Turn glass other way up so that open end points
45198 Symptom: Feet warm and wet.
45199 Fault: Improper bladder control.
45200 Action Required: Go stand next to nearest dog. After a while complain
45201 to the owner about its lack of house training and
45202 demand a beer as compensation.
45204 -- Bar Troubleshooting
45206 Symptom: Floor blurred.
45207 Fault: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
45208 Action Required: Find someone who will buy you another beer.
45210 Symptom: Floor moving.
45211 Fault: You are being carried out.
45212 Action Required: Find out if you are taken to another bar. If not,
45213 complain loudly that you are being kidnapped.
45215 -- Bar Troubleshooting
45217 Symptom: Floor swaying.
45218 Fault: Excessive air turbulence, perhaps due to air-hockey
45220 Action Required: Insert broom handle down back of jacket.
45222 Symptom: Everything has gone dim, strange taste of peanuts
45223 and pretzels or cigarette butts in mouth.
45224 Fault: You have fallen forward.
45225 Action Required: See above.
45227 Symptom: Opposite wall covered with acoustic tile and several
45228 fluorescent light strips.
45229 Fault: You have fallen over backward.
45230 Action Required: If your glass is full and no one is standing on your
45231 drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to help
45232 you get up, lash yourself to bar.
45234 -- Bar Troubleshooting
45236 Syntactic sugar causes cancer of the semicolon.
45237 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
45239 System checkpoint complete.
45241 System going down at 1:45 this afternoon for disk crashing.
45243 System going down at 5 this afternoon to install scheduler bug.
45245 System going down in 5 minutes.
45247 System restarting, wait...
45249 System/3! System/3!
45250 See how it runs! See how it runs!
45251 Its monitor loses so totally!
45252 It runs all its programs in RPG!
45253 It's made by our favorite monopoly!
45256 SYSTEM-INDEPENDENT:
45257 Works equally poorly on all systems.
45259 Systems have sub-systems and sub-systems have sub-systems and so on ad
45260 infinitum -- which is why we're always starting over.
45261 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
45263 Systems programmer:
45264 A person in sandals who has been in the elevator with the senior
45265 vice president and is ultimately responsible for a phone call you
45266 are to receive from your boss.
45268 Systems programmers are the high priests of a low cult.
45271 T: One big monster, he called TROLL.
45272 He don't rock, and he don't roll;
45273 Drink no wine, and smoke no stogies.
45274 He just Love To Eat Them Roguies.
45275 -- The Roguelet's ABC
45278 Serving grape Kool-Aid at religious functions.
45280 Tact consists in knowing how far to go in going too far.
45283 Tact in audacity is knowing how far you can go without going too far.
45286 Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a
45289 Tact is the art of making a point without making an enemy.
45292 The unsaid part of what you're thinking.
45294 Take a lesson from the whale; the only time
45295 he gets speared is when he raises to spout.
45297 Take an astronaut to launch.
45299 Take care of the luxuries and the
45300 necessities will take care of themselves.
45303 Take Care of the Molehills, and the Mountains Will Take Care of Themselves.
45304 -- Motto of the Federal Civil Service
45306 Take everything in stride. Trample anyone who gets in your way.
45308 TAKE FORCEFUL ACTION:
45309 Do something that should have been done a long time ago.
45311 Take heart amid the deepening gloom that your dog is finally getting
45313 -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
45315 Take it easy, we're in a hurry.
45320 Take my word for it, the silliest woman can manage a clever man, but it
45321 needs a very clever woman to manage a fool.
45324 Take the folks at Coca-Cola. For many years, they were content to sit
45325 back and make the same old carbonated beverage. It was a good
45326 beverage, no question about it; generations of people had grown up
45327 drinking it and doing the experiment in sixth grade where you put a
45328 nail into a glass of Coke and after a couple of days the nail dissolves
45329 and the teacher says: "Imagine what it does to your TEETH!" So
45330 Coca-Cola was solidly entrenched in the market, and the management saw
45331 no need to improve ...
45332 -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence"
45334 Take time to reflect on all the things you have, not as a result of your
45335 merit or hard work or because God or chance or the efforts of other people
45336 have given them to you.
45338 Take what you can use and let the rest go by.
45341 Take your dying with some seriousness, however. Laughing on the way to
45342 your execution is not generally understood by less advanced life forms,
45343 and they'll call you crazy.
45344 -- "Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul"
45346 Take your Senator to lunch this week.
45348 Take your work seriously but never take yourself seriously; and do not
45349 take what happens either to yourself or your work seriously.
45350 -- Booth Tarkington
45352 Taking drugs in the 60's, I tried to reach Nirvana, but all I ever
45353 got were re-runs of The Mickey Mouse Club.
45356 Talent does what it can.
45357 Genius does what it must.
45358 You do what you get paid to do.
45360 Talk is cheap because supply always exceeds demand.
45362 Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.
45365 Talkers are no good doers.
45366 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
45368 Talking about music is like dancing about architecture.
45371 Talking much about oneself can also be a means to conceal oneself.
45372 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
45374 Tallulah Bankhead barged down the
45375 Nile last night as Cleopatra and sank.
45376 -- John Mason Brown, drama critic
45378 Tan me hide when I'm dead, Fred,
45379 Tan me hide when I'm dead.
45380 So we tanned his hide when he died, Clyde,
45381 It's hanging there on the shed.
45383 All together now...
45384 Tie me kangaroo down, sport,
45385 Tie me kangaroo down.
45386 Tie me kangaroo down, sport,
45387 Tie me kangaroo down.
45389 Tart words make no friends; a spoonful of honey
45390 will catch more flies than a gallon of vinegar.
45391 -- Benjamin Franklin
45393 TAURUS (Apr 20 - May 20)
45394 You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged
45395 determination and work like hell. Most people think you are
45396 stubborn and bull headed. You are a Communist.
45398 TAURUS (Apr. 20 to May 20)
45399 Let your self-confidence and determination shine, and people will
45400 find you boorish and headstrong. Travel, promotion, and romance
45401 highlighted, if you live long enough. Don't take any wooden nickels.
45403 TAURUS (Apr.20 - May 20)
45404 Take advantage of this opportunity to get a little extra sleep,
45405 because you're going to miss the bus again today anyway. You will
45406 decide to lose weight today, just like yesterday.
45411 Tax reform means "Don't tax you, don't tax me, tax that fellow behind
45415 Taxes are going up so fast, the government is likely to price itself
45418 Taxes are not levied for the benefit of the taxed.
45421 Of life's two certainties, the only one for which you can get
45424 TCP/IP Slang Glossary, #1:
45426 Gong, n: Medieval term for privvy, or what passed for them in that era.
45427 Today used whimsically to describe the aftermath of a bogon attack. Think
45428 of our community as the Galapagos of the English language.
45430 "Vogons may read you bad poetry, but bogons make you study obsolete RFCs."
45433 Teach children to be polite and courteous in the home, and,
45434 when they grow up, they won't be able to edge a car onto a freeway.
45436 Teachers have class.
45439 Having someone to blame.
45441 Teamwork is essential -- it allows you to blame someone else.
45444 In an English court a man named Home was tried for slander in having
45445 accused a neighbor of murder. His exact words were: "Sir Thomas Holt hath
45446 taken a cleaver and stricken his cook upon the head, so that one side of his
45447 head fell on one shoulder and the other side upon the other shoulder." The
45448 defendant was acquitted by instruction of the court, the learned judges
45449 holding that the words did not charge murder, for they did not affirm the
45450 death of the cook, that being only an inference.
45451 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
45453 "Technique?" said the programmer turning from his terminal, "What I follow
45454 is Tao -- beyond all technique! When I first began to program I would see
45455 before me the whole problem in one mass. After three years I no longer saw
45456 this mass. Instead, I used subroutines. But now I see nothing. My whole
45457 being exists in a formless void. My senses are idle. My spirit, free to
45458 work without plan, follows its own instinct. In short, my program writes
45459 itself. True, sometimes there are difficult problems. I see them coming, I
45460 slow down, I watch silently. Then I change a single line of code and the
45461 difficulties vanish like puffs of idle smoke. I then compile the program.
45462 I sit still and let the joy of the work fill my being. I close my eyes for
45463 a moment and then log off."
45465 Technological progress has merely provided us with more efficient means
45466 for going backwards.
45469 Technology is dominated by those who manage what they do not understand.
45471 Tehee quod she, and clapte the wyndow to.
45472 -- Geoffrey Chaucer
45474 Telephone books are like dictionaries -- if you know the answer before
45475 you look it up, you can eventually reaffirm what you thought you knew
45476 but weren't sure. But if you're searching for something you don't
45477 already know, your fingers could walk themselves to death.
45481 An invention of the devil which abrogates some of the
45482 advantages of making a disagreeable person keep his distance.
45483 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
45486 The deep-seated guilt which stems from knowing that you did not try
45487 hard enough to look up the number on your own and instead put the
45488 burden on the directory assistant.
45489 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
45491 Television -- a medium. So called because it is neither rare nor well done.
45494 Television -- the longest amateur night in history.
45497 Television has brought back murder into the home -- where it belongs.
45498 -- Alfred Hitchcock
45500 Television has proved that people will look at anything rather than
45504 Television is a medium because anything well done is rare.
45505 -- attributed to both Fred Allen and Ernie Kovacs
45507 Television is now so desperately hungry for material
45508 that it is scraping the top of the barrel.
45511 Television only proves that people will look at anything --
45512 rather than each other.
45514 Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll
45515 believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he'll have
45516 to touch to be sure.
45518 Tell me, O Octopus, I begs,
45519 Is those things arms, or is they legs?
45520 I marvel at thee, Octopus;
45521 If I were thou, I'd call me us.
45524 Tell me what to think!!!
45526 Tell me why the stars do shine,
45527 Tell me why the ivy twines,
45528 Tell me why the sky's so blue,
45529 And I will tell you just why I love you.
45531 Nuclear fusion makes stars to shine,
45532 Phototropism makes ivy twine,
45533 Rayleigh scattering makes sky so blue,
45534 Sexual hormones are why I love you.
45536 Telling the truth to people who misunderstand you is generally
45537 promoting a falsehood, isn't it?
45540 Tempt me with a spoon!
45542 Tempt not a desperate man.
45543 -- William Shakespeare, "Romeo and Juliet"
45545 Ten of the meanest cons in the state pen met in the corner of the yard to
45546 shoot some craps. The stakes were enormous, the tension palpable.
45547 When his turn came to shoot, Dutsky nervously plunked down his
45548 entire wad, shook the dice and rolled. A smile crossed his face as a seven
45549 showed up, but it quickly changed to horror as a third die slipped out of
45550 his sleeve and fell to the ground with the two others. No one said a word.
45551 Finally, Killer Lucci picked up the third die, put it in his pocket and
45552 handed the others to Dutsky.
45553 "Roll 'em," Lucci said. "Your point is thirteen."
45555 Ten of the meanest cons in the state pen met in the corner of the yard to
45556 shoot some craps. The stakes were enormous, the tension palpable.
45557 When his turn came to shoot, Dutsky nervously plunked down his
45558 entire wad, shook the dice and rolled. A smile crossed his face as a
45559 seven showed up, but it quickly changed to horror as third die slipped out
45560 of his sleeve and fell to the ground with the two others. No one said a
45561 word. Finally, Killer Lucci picked up the third die, put it in his pocket
45562 and handed the others to Dutsky.
45563 "Roll 'em," Lucci said. "Your point is thirteen."
45565 Ten persons who speak make more noise than ten thousand who are silent.
45568 Ten years of rejection slips is nature's way of telling you to stop
45572 Terence, this is stupid stuff:
45573 You eat your victuals fast enough;
45574 There can't be much amiss, 'tis clear,
45575 To see the rate you drink your beer.
45576 But oh, good Lord, the verse you make,
45577 It gives a chap the belly-ache.
45578 The cow, the old cow, she is dead;
45579 It sleeps well the horned head:
45580 We poor lads, 'tis our turn now
45581 To hear such tunes as killed the cow.
45582 Pretty friendship 'tis to rhyme
45583 Your friends to death before their time.
45584 Moping, melancholy mad:
45585 Come, pipe a tune to dance to, lad.
45588 Term, holidays, term, holidays, till we leave
45589 school, and then work, work, work till we die.
45592 "Termiter's argument that God is His own grandmother generated a
45593 surprising amount of controversy among Church leaders, who on the one
45594 hand considered the argument unsupported by scripture but on the other
45595 hand were unwilling to risk offending God's grandmother."
45596 -- Len Cool, "American Pie"
45598 Tertullian was born in Carthage somewhere about 160 A.D. He was a
45599 pagan, and he abandoned himself to the lascivious life of his city
45600 until about his 35th year, when he became a Christian ... To him is
45601 ascribed the sublime confession: Credo quia absurdum est (I believe
45602 because it is absurd). This does not altogether accord with historical
45603 fact, for he merely said:
45605 "And the Son of God died, which is immediately credible because
45606 it is absurd. And buried he rose again, which is certain
45607 because it is impossible."
45609 Thanks to the acuteness of his mind, he saw through the poverty of
45610 philosophical and Gnostic knowledge, and contemptuously rejected it.
45611 -- C. G. Jung, "Psychological Types"
45613 [Tertullian was one of the founders of the Catholic Church. Ed.]
45616 Take amount of grass used in one joint, and wash in 5 cc's
45617 of water, agitating gently for 15 minutes. Strain out leaves,
45618 leaving a brownish-yellow solution. Add 100 mg each of sodium
45619 bicarbonate and sodium dithionite. If paraquat is present,
45620 the solution will turn blue-green.
45622 Testing can show the presence of bugs, but not their absence.
45623 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
45625 Test-tube babies shouldn't throw stones.
45630 TEX is potentially the most significant invention in typesetting in this
45631 century. It introduces a standard language for computer typography, and in
45632 terms of importance could rank near the introduction of the Gutenberg press.
45635 Texas A&M football coach Jackie Sherrill went to the office of the Dean
45636 of Academics because he was concerned about his players' mental abilities.
45637 "My players are just too stupid for me to deal with them", he told the
45638 unbelieving dean. At this point, one of his players happened to enter
45639 the dean's office. "Let me show you what I mean", said Sherrill, and he
45640 told the player to run over to his office to see if he was in. "OK, Coach",
45641 the player replied, and was off. "See what I mean?" Sherrill asked.
45642 "Yeah", replied the dean. "He could have just picked up this phone and
45643 called you from here."
45645 Texas is Hell on woman and horses.
45648 Texas law forbids anyone to have a pair of pliers in his possession.
45650 "Text processing has made it possible to right-justify any idea, even
45651 one which cannot be justified on any other grounds."
45652 -- J. Finnegan, USC.
45654 Thank goodness modern convenience is a thing of the remote future.
45655 -- Pogo, by Walt Kelly
45657 Thank you for observing all safety precautions.
45659 That all men should be brothers is the dream of people who have no brothers.
45660 -- Charles Chincholles, "Pensees de tout le monde"
45662 That boy's about as sharp as a pound of wet liver.
45665 That does not compute.
45667 That feeling just came over me.
45668 -- Albert DeSalvo, the "Boston Strangler"
45670 That government is best which governs least.
45671 -- Henry David Thoreau, "Civil Disobedience"
45673 That is the true season of love, when we believe that we alone can love,
45674 that no one could have loved so before us, and that no one will love
45675 in the same way as us.
45676 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
45684 That must be wonderful: I don't understand it at all.
45687 That secret you've been guarding, isn't.
45689 That segment of the community with which one has the greatest
45690 sympathy as a liberal, inevitably turns out to be one of the most
45691 narrow-minded and bigoted segments of the community.
45694 That, that is not, is not.
45695 That, that is, is not that, that is not.
45696 That, that is not, is not that, that is.
45698 ...that the notions of "hardware", and "software" should be extended by
45699 the notion of LIVEWARE - being that which produces software for use on
45700 hardware. This produces an obvious extension to the concept of MONITORS.
45701 A liveware monitor is a person dedicated to the task of ensuring that the
45702 liveware does not interfere with the real-time processes, invoking the
45703 REAL-TIME EXECUTIONER to delete liveware that adversely affects ...
45704 -- Linden and Wihelminalaan
45706 That which is not good for the swarm, neither is it good for the bee.
45708 That woman speaks eight languages and can't say "no" in any of them.
45711 That Xanthippe's husband should have become so great a philosopher is
45712 remarkable. Amid all the scolding, to be able to think! But he could not
45713 write: that was impossible. Socrates has not left us a single book.
45716 That's always the way when you discover
45717 something new; everyone thinks you're crazy.
45723 How much does it cost?
45725 I only have a dollar.
45728 That's life for you, said McDunn. Someone always waiting for someone
45729 who never comes home. Always someone loving something more than that
45730 thing loves them. And after awhile you want to destroy whatever that
45731 thing is, so it can't hurt you no more.
45732 -- Ray Bradbury, "The Fog Horn"
45734 "That's no answer," Job said, "And for someone who's supposed to be
45735 omnipotent, let me tell you `tabernacle' has only one l."
45736 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
45741 That's odd. That's very odd.
45742 Wouldn't you say that's very odd?
45744 That's one small step for a man; one giant leap for mankind.
45747 That's the most fun I've had without laughing.
45748 -- Woody Allen, on sex
45750 That's the thing about people who think they hate computers. What they
45751 really hate is lousy programmers.
45752 -- Larry Niven and Jerry Pournelle in "Oath of Fealty"
45754 That's the true harbinger of spring, not crocuses or swallows
45755 returning to Capistrano, but the sound of a bat on a ball.
45758 That's what she said.
45760 That's where the money was.
45761 -- Willie Sutton, on being asked why he robbed a bank
45763 It's a rather pleasant experience to be alone in a bank at night.
45766 The 11 is for people with the pride of a 10 and the pocketbook of an 8.
45769 The 357.73 Theory --
45770 Auditors always reject expense accounts
45771 with a bottom line divisible by 5.
45773 The 80's -- when you can't tell hairstyles from chemotherapy.
45775 The 'A' is for content, the 'minus' is for not typing it.
45776 Don't ever do this to my eyes again.
45777 -- Professor Ronald Brady, Philosophy, Ramapo State College
45779 The Abrams' Principle:
45780 The shortest distance between two points is off the wall.
45782 The absence of labels [in ECL] is probably a good thing.
45785 The absent ones are always at fault.
45787 The absurd is the essential concept and the first truth.
45790 The abuse of greatness is when it disjoins remorse from power.
45791 -- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar"
45793 The adjective is the banana peel of the parts of speech.
45796 The adjuration to be "normal" seems shockingly repellent to me; I see neither
45797 hope nor comfort in sinking to that low level. I think it is ignorance that
45798 makes people think of abnormality only with horror and allows them to remain
45799 undismayed at the proximity of "normal" to average and mediocre. For surely
45800 anyone who achieves anything is, essentially, abnormal.
45801 -- Dr. Karl Menninger, "The Human Mind", 1930
45803 The advantage of being celibate is that when one sees a pretty girl one
45804 does not need to grieve over having an ugly one back home.
45805 -- Paul Leautaud, "Propos dun jour"
45807 The advertisement is the most truthful part of a newspaper
45808 -- Thomas Jefferson
45810 The Advertising Agency Song:
45812 When your client's hopping mad,
45813 Put his picture in the ad.
45814 If he still should prove refractory,
45815 Add a picture of his factory.
45817 The aim of a joke is not to degrade the human being but to remind him that
45818 he is already degraded.
45821 The aim of science is to seek the simplest explanations of complex
45822 facts. Seek simplicity and distrust it.
45825 The alarm clock that is louder than God's own
45826 belongs to the roommate with the earliest class.
45828 The algorithm for finding the longest path in a graph is NP-complete.
45829 For you systems people, that means it's *real slow*.
45832 "The algorithm to do that is extremely nasty. You might want to mug
45834 -- M. Devine, Computer Science 340
45836 The all-softening overpowering knell,
45837 The tocsin of the soul, -- the dinner bell.
45840 The Almighty in His infinite wisdom did not see
45841 fit to create Frenchmen in the image of Englishmen.
45842 -- Winston Churchill, 1942
45844 The American Dental Association announced today that most plaque tends
45845 to form on teeth around 4:00 PM in the afternoon.
45849 The American nation in the sixth ward is a fine people; they love the
45850 eagle -- on the back of a dollar.
45851 -- Finley Peter Dunne
45853 The American system of ours, call it Americanism, call it Capitalism,
45854 call it what you like, gives each and every one of us a great
45855 opportunity if we only seize it with both hands and make the most of it.
45858 The amount of time between slipping on the peel and landing on the
45859 pavement is precisely 1 bananosecond.
45861 The amount of weight an evangelist carries with the almighty is measured
45864 The Analytical Engine weaves Algebraical patterns
45865 just as the Jacquard loom weaves flowers and leaves.
45866 -- Ada Augusta, Countess of Lovelace, the first programmer
45868 The Ancient Doctrine of Mind Over Matter:
45869 I don't mind... and you don't matter.
45871 -- As revealed to reporter G. Rivera by Swami Havabanana
45873 The Angels want to wear my red shoes.
45876 The anger of a woman is the greatest evil
45877 with which you can threaten your enemies.
45880 The Anglo-Saxon conscience does not prevent the Anglo-Saxon from
45881 sinning, it merely prevents him from enjoying his sin.
45882 -- Salvador De Madariaga
45884 The angry man always thinks he can do more than he can.
45885 -- Albertano of Brescia
45887 The animals are not as stupid as one thinks -- they have neither
45888 doctors nor lawyers.
45891 The annual meeting of the "You Have To Listen To Experience" Club is now in
45892 session. Our Achievement Awards this year are in the fields of publishing,
45893 advertising and industry. For best consistent contribution in the field of
45894 publishing our award goes to editor, R. L. K., [...] for his unrivalled alle-
45895 giance without variation to the statement: "Personally I'd love to do it,
45896 we'd ALL love to do it. But we're not going to do it. It's not the kind of
45897 book our house knows how to handle." Our superior performance award in the
45898 field of advertising goes to media executive, E. L. M., [...] for the continu-
45899 ally creative use of the old favorite: "I think what you've got here could be
45900 very exciting. Why not give it one more try based on the approach I've out-
45901 lined and see if you can come up with something fresh." Our final award for
45902 courageous holding action in the field of industry goes to supervisor, R. S.,
45903 [...] for her unyielding grip on "I don't care if they fire me, I've been
45904 arguing for a new approach for YEARS but are we SURE that this is the right
45905 time--" I would like to conclude this meeting with a verse written specially
45906 for our prospectus by our founding president fifty years ago -- and now, as
45907 then, fully expressive of the emotion most close to all our hearts --
45908 Treat freshness as a youthful quirk,
45909 And dare not stray to ideas new,
45910 For if t'were tried they might e'en work
45911 And for a living what woulds't we do?
45913 The answer is that libdialog, the library on which sysinstall depends
45914 for these menus, is genuinely evil. It is the unloved, satanic
45915 bastard child of multiple parents and torturing users like yourself
45916 constitutes the only joy in life it has left. Its source files are
45917 all chmod'd 0666 and dire README files warn against trespass by
45918 neophyte programmers. It is the 7th gate of Hell. It makes the baby
45919 Jesus cry. Were libdialog given anthropomorphic representation, it
45920 would be promptly burnt at the stake and its ashes scattered in the
45921 desert, to be then doused with holy water from altitude by
45922 fire-fighting aircraft.
45924 -- Jordan K. Hubbard on the evils of libdialog
45926 The answer to the question of Life, the Universe, and Everything is...
45928 Four day work week,
45929 Two ply toilet paper!
45931 The answer to the Ultimate Question of Life, the Universe, and Everything was
45932 released with the kind permission of the Amalgamated Union of Philosophers,
45933 Sages, Luminaries, and Other Professional Thinking Persons.
45935 The ark lands after The Flood. Noah lets all the animals out. Says he, "Go
45936 and multiply." Several months pass. Noah decides to check up on the animals.
45937 All are doing fine except a pair of snakes. "What's the problem?" says Noah.
45938 "Cut down some trees and let us live there", say the snakes. Noah follows
45939 their advice. Several more weeks pass. Noah checks on the snakes again.
45940 Lots of little snakes, everybody is happy. Noah asks, "Want to tell me how
45941 the trees helped?" "Certainly", say the snakes. "We're adders, and we need
45944 The Arkansas legislature passed a law that states that the Arkansas
45945 River can rise no higher than to the Main Street bridge in Little
45948 The arms business is founded on human folly, that is why its depths will
45949 never be plumbed and why it will go on forever. All weapons are defensive
45950 and all spare parts are non-lethal. The plainest print cannot be read
45951 through a solid gold sovereign, or a ruble or a golden eagle.
45952 -- Sam Cummings, American arms dealer
45954 The Army has carried the American ... ideal to its logical conclusion.
45955 Not only do they prohibit discrimination on the grounds of race, creed
45956 and color, but also on ability.
45959 The Army needs leaders the way a foot needs a big toe.
45962 The assertion that "all men are created equal" was of no practical use
45963 in effecting our separation from Great Britain and it was placed in the
45964 Declaration not for that, but for future use.
45967 The astronomer Francesco Sizi, a contemporary of Galileo, argues that
45968 Jupiter can have no satellites:
45970 There are seven windows in the head, two nostrils, two ears, two
45971 eyes, and a mouth; so in the heavens there are two favorable stars, two
45972 unpropitious, two luminaries, and Mercury alone undecided and indifferent.
45973 From which and many other similar phenomena of nature such as the seven
45974 metals, etc., which it were tedious to enumerate, we gather that the number
45975 of planets is necessarily seven. [...]
45976 Moreover, the satellites are invisible to the naked eye and
45977 therefore can have no influence on the earth and therefore would be useless
45978 and therefore do not exist.
45980 The attacker must vanquish; the defender need only survive.
45982 The average girl would rather have beauty than brains because she
45983 knows that the average man can see much better than he can think.
45984 -- Ladies' Home Journal
45986 The average, healthy, well-adjusted adult gets up at seven-thirty in
45987 the morning feeling just terrible.
45990 The average income of the modern teenager is about 2 a.m.
45992 The average individual's position in any hierarchy is a lot like pulling
45993 a dogsled -- there's no real change of scenery except for the lead dog.
45995 The average nutritional value of promises is roughly zero.
45997 The average Ph.D thesis is nothing but the transference of bones from
45998 one graveyard to another.
45999 -- J. Frank Dobie, "A Texan in England"
46001 The average woman must inevitably view her actual husband with a certain
46002 disdain; he is anything but her ideal. In consequence, she cannot help
46003 feeling that her children are cruelly handicapped by the fact that he is
46007 The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the
46008 average man can see better than he can think.
46010 The avocation of assessing the failures of better men can be turned
46011 into a comfortable livelihood, providing you back it up with a Ph.D.
46012 -- Nelson Algren, "Writers at Work"
46014 The avoidance of taxes is the only intellectual pursuit that
46015 carries any reward.
46016 -- John Maynard Keynes
46018 "The bad reputation UNIX has gotten is totally undeserved, laid on by
46019 people who don't understand, who have not gotten in there and tried
46021 -- Jim Joyce, owner of Jim Joyce's UNIX Bookstore
46023 The bank called to tell me that I'm overdrawn,
46024 Some freaks are burning crosses out on my front lawn,
46025 And I *can't*believe* it, all the Cheetos are gone,
46026 It's just ONE OF THOSE DAYS!
46027 -- Weird Al Yankovic, "One of Those Days"
46029 The bank sent our statement this morning,
46030 The red ink was a sight of great awe!
46031 Their figures and mine might have balanced,
46032 But my wife was too quick on the draw.
46034 The basic idea behind malls is that they are more convenient than
46035 cities. Cities contain streets, which are dangerous and crowded and
46036 difficult to park in. Malls, on the other hand, have parking lots,
46037 which are also dangerous and crowded and difficult to park in, but --
46038 here is the big difference -- in mall parking lots, THERE ARE NO
46039 RULES. You're allowed to do anything. You can drive as fast as you
46040 want in any direction you want. I was once driving in a mall parking
46041 lot when my car was struck by a pickup truck being driven backward by a
46042 squat man with a tattoo that said "Charlie" on his forearm, who got out
46043 and explained to me, in great detail, why the accident was my fault,
46044 his reasoning being that he was violent and muscular, whereas I was
46045 neither. This kind of reasoning is legally valid in mall parking
46047 -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
46049 The basic menu item, in fact the ONLY menu item, would be a food unit
46050 called the "patty," consisting of -- this would be guaranteed in
46051 writing -- "100 percent animal matter of some kind." All patties would
46052 be heated up and then cooled back down in electronic devices
46053 immediately before serving. The Breakfast Patty would be a patty on a
46054 bun with lettuce, tomato, onion, egg, Ba-Ko-Bits, Cheez Whiz, a Special
46055 Sauce made by pouring ketchup out of a bottle and a little slip of
46056 paper stating: "Inspected by Number 12". The Lunch or Dinner Patty
46057 would be any Breakfast Patties that didn't get sold in the morning.
46058 The Seafood Lover's Patty would be any patties that were starting to
46059 emit a serious aroma. Patties that were too rank even to be Seafood
46060 Lover's Patties would be compressed into wads and sold as "Nuggets."
46061 -- Dave Barry, "'Mister Mediocre' Restaurants"
46063 The bay-trees in our country are all wither'd
46064 And meteors fright the fixed stars of heaven;
46065 The pale-faced moon looks bloody on the earth
46066 And lean-look'd prophets whisper fearful change.
46067 These signs forerun the death or fall of kings.
46068 -- William Shakespeare, "Richard II"
46071 Paul McCartney's old back-up band.
46073 The beauty of a pun is in the "Oy!" of the beholder.
46075 The beer-cooled computer does not harm the ozone layer.
46076 -- John M. Ford, a.k.a. Dr. Mike
46078 [If I can read my notes from the Ask Dr. Mike session at Baycon, I
46079 believe he added that the beer-cooled computer uses "Forget Only
46082 The best audience is intelligent, well-educated and a little drunk.
46085 The best book on programming for the layman is "Alice in Wonderland";
46086 but that's because it's the best book on anything for the layman.
46088 The best case: Get salary from America, build a house in England,
46089 live with a Japanese wife, and eat Chinese food.
46090 Pretty good case: Get salary from England, build a house in America,
46091 live with a Chinese wife, and eat Japanese food.
46092 The worst case: Get salary from China, build a house in Japan,
46093 live with a British wife, and eat American food.
46094 -- Bungei Shunju, a popular Japanese magazine
46096 The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.
46099 The best defense against logic is ignorance.
46101 The best definition of a gentleman is a man who can play the accordion --
46105 The best diplomat I know is a fully activated phaser bank.
46108 The best equipment for your work is, of course, the most expensive.
46109 However, your neighbor is always wasting money that should be yours
46110 by judging things by their price.
46112 The best executive is one who has sense enough to pick good people to do
46113 what he wants done, and self-restraint enough to keep from meddling with
46114 them while they do it.
46115 -- Theodore Roosevelt
46117 The best laid plans of mice and men are held up in the legal department.
46119 The best laid plans of mice and men are usually about equal.
46122 The best man for the job is often a woman.
46124 The best number for a dinner party is two -- myself and a damn good
46126 -- Nubar Gulbenkian
46128 The best portion of a good man's life, his little,
46129 nameless, unremembered acts of kindness and love.
46132 The best prophet of the future is the past.
46134 The best rebuttal to this kind of statistical argument came from the
46135 redoubtable John W. Campbell:
46137 The laws of population growth tell us that approximately half the
46138 people who were ever born in the history of the world are now
46139 dead. There is therefore a 0.5 probability that this message is
46140 being read by a corpse.
46142 The best that we can do is to be kindly and helpful toward our friends and
46143 fellow passengers who are clinging to the same speck of dirt while we are
46144 drifting side by side to our common doom.
46147 The best thing about being bald is, that, when unexpected
46148 company arrives, all you have to do is straighten your tie.
46150 The best thing about growing older is that it takes such a long time.
46152 "The best thing for being sad," replied Merlin, beginning to puff and
46153 blow, "is to learn something. That's the only thing that never fails.
46154 You may grow old and trembling in your anatomies, you may lie awake at
46155 night listening to the disorder of your veins, you may miss your only
46156 love, you may see the world about you devastated by evil lunatics, or
46157 know your honour trampled in the sewers of baser minds. There is only
46158 one thing for it then -- to learn. Learn why the world wags and what
46159 wags it. That is the only thing which the mind can never exhaust,
46160 never alienate, never be tortured by, never fear or distrust, and never
46161 dream of regretting. Learning is the only thing for you. Look what a
46162 lot of things there are to learn."
46163 -- T. H. White, "The Once and Future King"
46165 The best thing that comes out of Iowa is I-80.
46167 The best things in life are for a fee.
46169 The best things in life go on sale sooner or later.
46171 The best way to accelerate a Macintoy is at 9.8 meters per second, squared.
46173 The best way to avoid responsibility is to say, "I've got responsibilities."
46175 The best way to get rid of worries is to let them die of neglect.
46177 The best way to keep your friends is not to give them away.
46179 The best way to make a fire with two sticks is to make sure one of them
46183 The best way to preserve a right is to exercise it, and the right to
46184 smoke is a right worth dying for.
46186 The best ways are the most straightforward ways. When you're sitting around
46187 scamming these things out, all kinds of James Bondian ideas come forth, but
46188 when it gets down to the reality of it, the simplest and most straightforward
46189 way is usually the best, and the way that attracts the least attention.
46190 Also, pouring gasoline on the water and lighting it like James Bond doesn't
46191 work either.... They tried it during Prohibition.
46192 -- Thomas King Forcade, marijuana smuggler
46194 The best you get is an even break.
46197 The better part of valor is discretion.
46198 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV"
46200 The better the state is established, the fainter is humanity.
46201 To make the individual uncomfortable, that is my task.
46202 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
46204 The Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals and 362 admonishments
46205 to heterosexuals. That doesn't mean that God doesn't love heterosexuals.
46206 It's just that they need more supervision.
46208 The Bible is not my Book and Christianity is not my religion. I could
46209 never give assent to the long complicated statements of Christian dogma.
46212 The Bible on letters of reference:
46214 Are we beginning all over again to produce our credentials? Do
46215 we, like some people, need letters of introduction to you, or from you?
46216 No, you are all the letter we need, a letter written on your heart; any
46217 man can see it for what it is and read it for himself.
46218 -- 2 Corinthians 3:1-2, New English translation
46220 The big cities of America are becoming Third World countries.
46223 The big mistake that men make is that when they turn thirteen or fourteen
46224 and all of a sudden they've reached puberty, they believe that they like
46225 women. Actually, you're just horny. It doesn't mean you like women any
46226 more at twenty-one than you did at ten.
46229 The big question is why in the course of evolution the males permitted
46230 themselves to be so totally eclipsed by the females. Why do they tolerate
46231 this total subservience, this wretched existence as outcasts who are
46232 hungry all the time?
46234 The bigger the theory the better.
46236 The bigger they are, the harder they hit.
46238 The biggest difference between time and space is that you can't reuse
46242 The biggest mistake you can make is to believe that you are
46243 working for someone else.
46245 The biggest problem with communication is the illusion that it has
46248 The Bird of Time has but a little way to fly ...
46249 and the bird is on the wing.
46252 The birds are singing, the flowers are budding, and it is time for Miss
46253 Manners to tell young lovers to stop necking in public.
46255 It's not that Miss Manners is immune to romance. Miss Manners has been
46256 known to squeeze a gentleman's arm while being helped over a curb, and,
46257 in her wild youth, even to press a dainty slipper against a foot or two
46258 under the dinner table. Miss Manners also believes that the sight of
46259 people strolling hand in hand or arm in arm or arm in hand dresses up a
46260 city considerably more than the more familiar sight of people shaking
46261 umbrellas at one another. What Miss Manners objects to is the kind of
46262 activity that frightens the horses on the street ...
46264 The black bear used to be one of the most commonly seen large animals
46265 because in Yosemite and Sequoia national parks they lived off of garbage
46266 and tourist handouts. This bear has learned to open car doors in
46267 Yosemite, where damage to automobiles caused by bears runs into the tens
46268 of thousands of dollars a year. Campaigns to bearproof all garbage
46269 containers in wild areas have been difficult, because as one biologist
46270 put it, "There is a considerable overlap between the intelligence levels
46271 of the smartest bears and the dumbest tourists."
46273 "The bland leadeth the bland and they both shall fall into the kitsch."
46275 The bogosity meter just pegged.
46277 The bold youth of today is very lonely.
46278 -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967)
46280 The bomb will never go off. I speak as an expert in explosives.
46281 -- Admiral William Leahy, U.S. Atomic Bomb Project
46283 The bone-chilling scream split the warm summer night in two, the first
46284 half being before the scream when it was fairly balmy and calm and
46285 pleasant, the second half still balmy and quite pleasant for those who
46286 hadn't heard the scream at all, but not calm or balmy or even very nice
46287 for those who did hear the scream, discounting the little period of time
46288 during the actual scream itself when your ears might have been hearing it
46289 but your brain wasn't reacting yet to let you know.
46290 -- Winning sentence, 1986 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest
46292 The boy stood on the burning deck,
46293 Eating peanuts by the peck.
46294 His father called him, but he could not go,
46295 For he loved those peanuts so.
46297 The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment
46298 you get up in the morning, and does not stop until you get to work.
46300 The Briggs/Chase Law of Program Development:
46301 To determine how long it will take to write and debug a
46302 program, take your best estimate, multiply that by two, add one, and
46303 convert to the next higher units.
46305 The British are coming! The British are coming!
46307 The brotherhood of man is not a mere poet's dream; it is a most depressing
46308 and humiliating reality.
46311 The Buddha, the Godhead, resides quite as comfortably in the circuits of a
46312 digital computer or the gears of a cycle transmission as he does at the top
46313 of a mountain or in the petals of a flower. To think otherwise is to demean
46314 the Buddha -- which is to demean oneself.
46315 -- Robert Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance"
46317 The buffalo isn't as dangerous as everyone makes him out to be.
46318 Statistics prove that in the United States more Americans are killed in
46319 automobile accidents than are killed by buffalo.
46322 The bugs you have to avoid are the ones that give the user not only
46323 the inclination to get on a plane, but also the time.
46326 The Bulwer-Lytton fiction contest is held ever year at San Jose State
46327 Univ. by Professor Scott Rice. It is held in memory of Edward George
46328 Earle Bulwer-Lytton (1803-1873), a rather prolific and popular (in his
46329 time) novelist. He is best known today for having written "The Last
46332 Whenever Snoopy starts typing his novel from the top of his doghouse,
46333 beginning "It was a dark and stormy night..." he is borrowing from Lord
46334 Bulwer-Lytton. This was the line that opened his novel, "Paul Clifford,"
46335 written in 1830. The full line reveals why it is so bad:
46337 It was a dark and stormy night; the rain fell in torrents -- except
46338 at occasional intervals, when it was checked by a violent gust of
46339 wind which swept up the streets (for it is in London that our scene
46340 lies), rattling along the housetops, and fiercely agitating the scanty
46341 flame of the lamps that struggled against the darkness.
46343 The bureaucracy is expanding to meet the needs of an expanding
46346 "The C Programming Language -- A language which combines the
46347 flexibility of assembly language with the power of assembly language."
46349 The cable TV sex channels don't expand our horizons, don't make us better
46350 people, and don't come in clearly enough.
46353 The camel died quite suddenly on the second day, and Selena fretted
46354 sullenly and, buffing her already impeccable nails -- not for the first
46355 time since the journey began -- pondered snidely if this would dissolve
46356 into a vignette of minor inconveniences like all the other holidays spent
46358 -- Winning sentence, 1983 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest
46360 The camel has a single hump;
46362 Or else the other way around.
46363 I'm never sure. Are you?
46366 The capacity of human beings to bore one another seems to be vastly
46367 greater than that of any other animals. Some of their most esteemed
46368 inventions have no other apparent purpose, for example, the dinner
46369 party of more than two, the epic poem, and the science of metaphysics.
46372 The carbonyl is polarized,
46373 The delta end is plus.
46374 The nucleophile will thus attack,
46375 The carbon nucleus.
46376 Addition makes an alcohol,
46377 Of types there are but three.
46378 It makes a bond, to correspond,
46379 From C to shining C.
46380 -- Prof. Frank Westheimer, to "America the Beautiful"
46382 The cart has no place where a fifth wheel could be used.
46383 -- Herbert von Fritzlar
46385 The Celts invented two things, Whiskey and self-destruction.
46387 The chain which can be yanked is not the eternal chain.
46390 The chains of marriage are so heavy that it takes two to carry them, and
46394 The chicken that clucks the loudest is the one most likely to show up
46395 at the steam fitters' picnic.
46397 The chief cause of problems is solutions.
46400 The chief danger in life is that you may take too many precautions.
46403 The chief enemy of creativity is "good" sense.
46406 The church is near but the road is icy; the bar is far away but I will
46410 The church saves sinners, but science seeks to stop their manufacture.
46413 The City of Palo Alto, in its official description of parking lot standards,
46414 specifies the grade of wheelchair access ramps in terms of centimeters of
46415 rise per foot of run. A compromise, I imagine...
46417 The clash of ideas is the sound of freedom.
46419 The clearest way into the Universe is through a forest wilderness.
46422 The clergy successfully preached the doctrines of patience and pusillanimity;
46423 the active virtues of society were discouraged; and the last remains of a
46424 military spirit were buried in the cloister: a large portion of public and
46425 private wealth was consecrated to the specious demands of charity and devotion;
46426 and the soldiers' pay was lavished on the useless multitudes of both sexes
46427 who could only plead the merits of abstinence and chastity.
46428 -- Edward Gibbons, "The Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire"
46430 "The climate of Bombay is such that its inhabitants have to live
46433 The closest to perfection a person ever comes
46434 is when he fills out a job application form.
46435 -- Stanley J. Randall
46437 The clothes have no emperor.
46438 -- C. A. R. Hoare, commenting on ADA
46440 The coast was clear.
46443 The college graduate is presented with a sheepskin to cover his
46444 intellectual nakedness.
46445 -- Robert M. Hutchins
46447 The Commandments of the EE:
46449 1: Beware of lightning that lurketh in an uncharged condenser
46450 lest it cause thee to bounce upon thy buttocks in a most
46451 embarrassing manner.
46452 2: Cause thou the switch that supplieth large quantities of juice to
46453 be opened and thusly tagged, that thy days may be long in this
46454 earthly vale of tears.
46455 3: Prove to thyself that all circuits that radiateth, and upon
46456 which the worketh, are grounded and thusly tagged lest they lift
46457 thee to a radio frequency potential and causeth thee to make like
46459 4: Tarry thou not amongst these fools that engage in intentional
46460 shocks for they are not long for this world and are surely
46463 The Commandments of the EE:
46465 5: Take care that thou useth the proper method when thou takest the
46466 measures of high-voltage circuits too, that thou dost not incinerate
46467 both thee and thy test meter, for verily, though thou has no company
46468 property number and can be easily surveyed, the test meter has
46469 one and, as a consequence, bringeth much woe unto a purchasing agent.
46470 6: Take care that thou tamperest not with interlocks and safety devices,
46471 for this incurreth the wrath of the chief electrician and bring
46472 the fury of the engineers on his head.
46473 7: Work thou not on energized equipment for if thou doest so, thy
46474 friends will surely be buying beers for thy widow and consoling
46475 her in certain ways not generally acceptable to thee.
46476 8: Verily, verily I say unto thee, never service equipment alone,
46477 for electrical cooking is a slow process and thou might sizzle in
46478 thy own fat upon a hot circuit for hours on end before thy maker
46479 sees fit to end thy misery and drag thee into his fold.
46481 The Commandments of the EE:
46483 9: Trifle thee not with radioactive tubes and substances lest thou
46484 commence to glow in the dark like a lightning bug, and thy wife be
46485 frustrated and have not further use for thee except for thy wages.
46486 10: Commit thou to memory all the words of the prophets which are
46487 written down in thy Bible which is the National Electrical Code,
46488 and giveth out with the straight dope and consoleth thee when
46489 thou hast suffered a ream job by the chief electrician.
46490 11: When thou muckest about with a device in an unthinking and/or
46491 unknowing manner, thou shalt keep one hand in thy pocket. Better
46492 that thou shouldest keep both hands in thy pockets than
46493 experimentally determine the electrical potential of an
46494 innocent-seeming device.
46496 The common cormorant, or shag, lays eggs inside a paper bag.
46498 The computer industry is journalists in their 20's standing in awe of
46499 entrepreneurs in their 30's who are hiring salesmen in their 40's and
46500 50's and paying them in the 60's and 70's to bring their marketing into
46504 The computer is to the information industry roughly what the
46505 central power station is to the electrical industry.
46508 "The Computer made me do it."
46510 The computing field is always in need of new cliches.
46513 The concept seems to be clear by now. It has been
46514 defined several times by examples of what it is not.
46516 The confusion of a staff member is measured by the length of his
46518 -- New York Times, Jan. 20, 1981
46520 The connection between the language in which we think/program and the problems
46521 and solutions we can imagine is very close. For this reason restricting
46522 language features with the intent of eliminating programmer errors is at best
46524 -- Bjarne Stroustrup
46526 The conservation movement is a breeding ground of Communists and other
46527 subversives. We intend to clean them out, even if it means rounding up
46528 every bird watcher in the country.
46529 -- John Mitchell, Atty. General 1969-1972
46531 The Constitution may not be perfect, but it's a lot better
46532 than what we've got!
46534 The Consultant's Curse:
46535 When the customer has beaten upon you long enough, give him
46536 what he asks for, instead of what he needs. This is very strong
46537 medicine, and is normally only required once.
46539 The control of the production of wealth
46540 is the control of human life itself.
46543 The correct way to punctuate a sentence that starts: "Of course it is
46544 none of my business, but --" is to place a period after the word "but."
46545 Don't use excessive force in supplying such a moron with a period.
46546 Cutting his throat is only a momentary pleasure and is bound to get you
46548 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
46550 The cost of feathers has risen, even down is up!
46552 The cost of living has just gone up another dollar a quart.
46555 The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
46557 The cost of living is going up, and the chance of living is going down.
46559 The countdown had stalled at "T" minus 69 seconds when Desiree, the first
46560 female ape to go up in space, winked at me slyly and pouted her thick,
46561 rubbery lips unmistakably -- the first of many such advances during what
46562 would prove to be the longest, and most memorable, space voyage of my
46564 -- Winning sentence, 1985 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest
46566 The course of true anything never does run smooth.
46569 The courtroom was pregnant (pun intended) with anxious silence as the
46570 judge solemnly considered his verdict in the paternity suit before him.
46571 Suddenly, he reached into the folds of his robes, drew out a cigar and
46572 ceremoniously handed it to the defendant.
46573 "Congratulations!" declaimed the jurist. "You have just become a
46576 The covers of this book are too far apart.
46577 -- Ambrose Bierce, reviewing a book
46579 The cow is nothing but a machine which makes grass fit for us people to
46583 The Creation of the Universe was made possible by a grant from Texas
46585 -- Credits from the PBS program "The Creation of the Universe"
46587 The Crown is full of it!
46588 -- Nate Harris, 1775
46590 The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should
46591 therefore be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could
46592 hardly be propagated. If the doctrine be admitted, rulers have only to
46593 declare war and they are screened at once from scrutiny ... In war,
46594 then, as in peace, assert the freedom of speech and of the press.
46595 Cling to this as the bulwark of all our rights and privileges.
46596 -- William Ellery Channing
46598 The curse of the Irish is not that they don't know the
46599 words to a song -- it's that they know them *all*.
46602 The "cutting edge" is getting rather dull.
46605 The Czechs announced after Sputnik that they, too, would launch
46606 a satellite. Of course, it would orbit Sputnik, not Earth!
46608 The danger is not that a particular class is unfit to govern.
46609 Every class is unfit to govern.
46612 The dangerous Lego Bomb, which targets shag rugs and scatters pieces of
46613 plastic that hurt like hell when you step on them is banned entirely....
46614 Hiring David Copperfield to pretend to saw the missiles in half will not
46615 be permitted... In order to reduce risk of accidental war, both sides
46616 agree to ban the popular but dangerous "Simon Says" training drill at
46617 nuclear launch sites... Under no circumstances will either side reveal
46618 that it hammered out the treaty in one afternoon, but spent the last nine
46619 years arguing the Monty Hall and the three doors problem.
46620 -- Little known provisions of the START treaty by James Lileks
46622 The day advanced as if to light some work of mine; it was morning,
46623 and lo! now it is evening, and nothing memorable is accomplished.
46624 -- Henry David Thoreau
46626 The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life.
46628 The day will come when the mystical generation of Jesus, by the Supreme Being
46629 as his Father, in the womb of a virgin will be classified with the fable of
46630 the generation of Minerva in the brain of Jupiter. But we may hope that the
46631 dawn of reason and freedom of thought in these United States will do away with
46632 this artificial scaffolding and restore to us the primitive and genuine
46633 doctrines of this most venerated Reformer of human errors.
46634 -- Thomas Jefferson
46636 The days are all empty and the nights are unreal.
46638 The days just prior to marriage are like a snappy introduction
46641 The day-to-day travails of the IBM programmer are so amusing to most of
46642 us who are fortunate enough never to have been one -- like watching
46643 Charlie Chaplin trying to cook a shoe.
46645 The debate rages on: Is PL/I Bachtrian or Dromedary?
46647 "The deceased was killed by 1207.3557298 Volts AC RMS applied by
46648 accident when he brushed against the output terminal of a John B.
46649 Fluke Company High Voltage Calibrator."
46650 -- fictitious coroner's report by Mike Andrews
46652 The decision doesn't have to be logical; it was unanimous.
46654 The default Magic Word, "Abracadabra", actually is a corruption of the
46655 Hebrew phrase "ha-Bracha dab'ra" which means "pronounce the blessing".
46657 The degree of civilization in a society
46658 can be judged by entering its prisons.
46661 The degree of technical confidence is inversely
46662 proportional to the level of management.
46664 The denunciation of the young is a necessary part of the hygiene of older
46665 people, and greatly assists in the circulation of the blood.
46666 -- Logan Pearsall Smith
46668 The departing division general manager met a last time with his young
46669 successor and gave him three envelopes. "My predecessor did this for me,
46670 and I'll pass the tradition along to you," he said. "At the first sign
46671 of trouble, open the first envelope. Any further difficulties, open the
46672 second envelope. Then, if problems continue, open the third envelope.
46673 Good luck." The new manager returned to his office and tossed the envelopes
46675 Six months later, costs soared and earnings plummeted. Shaken, the
46676 young man opened the first envelope, which said, "Blame it all on me."
46677 The next day, he held a press conference and did just that. The
46679 Six months later, sales dropped precipitously. The beleaguered
46680 manager opened the second envelope. It said, "Reorganize."
46681 He held another press conference, announcing that the division
46682 would be restructured. The crisis passed.
46683 A year later, everything went wrong at once and the manager was
46684 blamed for all of it. The harried executive closed his office door, sank
46685 into his chair, and opened the third envelope.
46686 "Prepare three envelopes..." it said.
46688 The descent to Hades is the same from every place.
46691 The devil can cite Scripture for his purpose.
46692 -- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"
46694 The devil finds work for idle circuits to do.
46696 The devil finds work for idle glands.
46699 -- Gaius Julius Caesar
46701 The difference between a career and a job is about 20 hours a week.
46703 The difference between a good haircut and a bad one is seven days.
46705 The difference between a Miracle and a Fact is
46706 exactly the difference between a mermaid and a seal.
46709 "The difference between a misfortune and a calamity? If Gladstone fell
46710 into the Thames, it would be a misfortune. But if someone dragged him
46711 out again, it would be a calamity."
46712 -- Benjamin Disraeli
46714 The difference between America and England is, the English think 100
46715 miles is a long distance and the Americans think 100 years is a long time.
46717 The difference between art and science is that science is what we
46718 understand well enough to explain to a computer. Art is everything else.
46719 -- Donald E. Knuth, "Discover"
46721 The difference between common-sense and paranoia is that common-sense is
46722 thinking everyone is out to get you. That's normal -- they are. Paranoia
46723 is thinking that they're conspiring.
46726 The difference between dogs and cats is that dogs come when they're
46727 called. Cats take a message and get back to you.
46729 The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits.
46731 The difference between legal separation and divorce is
46732 that legal separation gives the man time to hide his money.
46734 The difference between reality and unreality
46735 is that reality has so little to recommend it.
46738 The difference between science and the fuzzy subjects is that science
46739 requires reasoning while those other subjects merely require scholarship.
46740 -- Robert A. Heinlein
46742 The difference between sentiment and being sentimental is the following:
46743 Sentiment is when a driver swerves out of the way to avoid hitting a
46744 rabbit on the road. Being sentimental is when the same driver, when
46745 swerving away from the rabbit hits a pedestrian.
46746 -- Frank Herbert, "The White Plague"
46748 The difference between sentiment and sentimentality is easy to see. When
46749 you avoid killing somebody's pet on the glazeway, that's sentiment. If you
46750 swerve to avoid the pet and that causes you to kill pedestrians, THAT is
46752 -- Frank Herbert, "Chapterhouse: Dune"
46754 The difference between the right word and the almost right word
46755 is the difference between lightning and the lightning bug.
46758 The difference between this place and yogurt
46759 is that yogurt has a live culture.
46761 The difference between us is not very far,
46762 cruising for burgers in daddy's new car.
46764 The difference between waltzes and disco is mostly one of volume.
46767 The difficult we do today; the impossible takes a little longer.
46769 The dirty work at political conventions is almost always done in
46770 the grim hours between midnight and dawn. Hangmen and politicians
46771 work best when the human spirit is at its lowest ebb.
46774 The discerning person is always at a disadvantage.
46776 The disks are getting full; purge a file today.
46778 The distinction between Freedom and Liberty is not accurately known;
46779 naturalists have been unable to find a living specimen of either.
46782 The distinction between Jewish and goyish can be quite subtle, as the
46783 following quote from Lenny Bruce illustrates:
46785 "I'm Jewish. Count Basie's Jewish. Ray Charles is Jewish.
46786 Eddie Cantor's goyish. The B'nai Brith is goyish. The Hadassah is
46787 Jewish. Marine Corps -- heavy goyish, dangerous.
46788 "Kool-Aid is goyish. All Drake's Cakes are goyish.
46789 Pumpernickel is Jewish and, as you know, white bread is very goyish.
46790 Instant potatoes -- goyish. Black cherry soda's very Jewish.
46791 Macaroons are ____
\b\b\b\bvery Jewish. Fruit salad is Jewish. Lime Jell-O is
46792 goyish. Lime soda is ____
\b\b\b\bvery goyish. Trailer parks are so goyish that
46793 Jews won't go near them ..."
46794 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
46796 The distinction between true and false appears to become
46797 increasingly blurred by... the pollution of the language.
46800 The District of Columbia has a law forbidding you to exert pressure on
46801 a balloon and thereby cause a whistling sound on the streets.
46803 The divinity of Jesus is made a convenient cover for absurdity. Nowhere in
46804 the Gospels do we find a precept for Creeds, Confessions, Oaths, Doctrines,
46805 and whole carloads of other foolish trumpery that we find in Christianity.
46808 The doctrine of human equality reposes on this: that there is no man
46809 really clever who has not found that he is stupid.
46810 -- Gilbert K. Chesterson
46812 The door is the key.
46814 The duck hunter trained his retriever to walk on water. Eager to show
46815 off this amazing accomplishment, he asked a friend to go along on his
46816 next hunting trip. Saying nothing, he fired his first shot and, as the
46817 duck fell, the dog walked on the surface of the water, retrieved the
46818 duck and returned it to his master.
46819 "Notice anything?" the owner asked eagerly.
46820 "Yes," said his friend, "I see that fool dog of yours can't
46823 The duration of passion is proportionate with the original resistance
46825 -- Honore de Balzac
46827 The eagle may soar, but the weasel never gets sucked into a jet engine.
46829 The early bird gets the coffee left over from the night before.
46831 The early bird who catches the worm works for someone who comes in late
46832 and owns the worm farm.
46835 The early worm gets the bird.
46837 The early worm gets the late bird.
46839 The earth is like a tiny grain of sand, only much, much heavier.
46841 The easiest way to figure the cost of living is to take your income and
46844 The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly
46845 teaches me to suspect that my own is also.
46847 I would not interfere with any one's religion, either to strengthen it
46848 or to weaken it. I am not able to believe one's religion can affect his
46849 hereafter one way or the other, no matter what that religion may be.
46850 But it may easily be a great comfort to him in this life -- hence it is a
46851 valuable possession to him.
46853 I do not see how eternal punishment hereafter could accomplish any good
46854 end, therefore I am not able to believe in it. To chasten a man in order
46855 to perfect him might be reasonable enough; to annihilate him when he shall
46856 have proved himself incapable of reaching perfection might be reasonable
46857 enough; but to roast him forever for the mere satisfaction of seeing him
46858 roast would not be reasonable -- even the atrocious God imagined by the Jews
46859 would tire of the spectacle eventually.
46862 The economy depends about as much on economists as the weather does on
46863 weather forecasters.
46864 -- Jean-Paul Kauffmann
46866 The egg cream is psychologically the opposite of circumcision -- it
46867 *pleasurably* reaffirms your Jewishness.
46870 The elder gods went to Yuggoth, and all you got was this lousy fortune.
46872 "The eleventh commandment was `Thou Shalt Compute' or `Thou Shalt Not
46873 Compute' -- I forget which."
46874 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
46876 The Encyclopaedia Galactica defines a robot as a mechanical apparatus designed
46877 to do the work of a man. The marketing division of Sirius Cybernetics
46878 Corporation defines a robot as "Your Plastic Pal Who's Fun To Be With".
46879 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy defines the marketing division of the
46880 Sirius Cybernetics Corporation as "a bunch of mindless jerks who'll be the
46881 first against the wall when the revolution comes", with a footnote to effect
46882 that the editors would welcome applications from anyone interested in taking
46883 over the post of robotics correspondent.
46884 Curiously enough, an edition of the Encyclopaedia Galactica that
46885 had the good fortune to fall through a time warp from a thousand years in
46886 the future defined the marketing division of the Sirius Cybernetics
46887 Corporation as "a bunch of mindless jerks who were the first against the
46888 wall when the revolution came".
46890 The end move in politics is always to pick up a gun.
46891 -- Buckminster Fuller
46893 The end of labor is to gain leisure.
46895 The end of the human race will be that it will eventually die of
46897 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
46899 The end of the world will occur at 3:00 p.m., this Friday, with
46900 symposium to follow.
46902 The ends justify the means.
46903 -- after Matthew Prior
46905 The energy produced by the breaking down of the atom is a very poor kind
46906 of thing. Anyone who expects a source of power from the transformation
46907 of these atoms is talking moonshine.
46908 -- Ernest Rutherford, after he had split the atom for
46911 The English country gentleman galloping after a fox -- the unspeakable
46912 in full pursuit of the uneatable.
46913 -- Oscar Wilde, "A Woman of No Importance"
46915 The English have no respect for their language, and will not teach
46916 their children to speak it.
46917 -- George Bernard Shaw
46919 The English instinctively admire any man
46920 who has no talent and is modest about it.
46921 -- James Agate, British film and drama critic
46923 The entire work force of the Communist countries is subjected to periodic
46924 purges (called verifications in Newspeak). One of the most severe took
46925 place in 1957 when Novotny, rattled by the Hungarian Revolution the year
46926 before, tried hard to weed out "radishes" (red outside, white inside) from
46927 all but insignificant positions. Any one of the following would often
46928 result in the loss of one's job: Bourgeois or Jewish family background,
46929 relatives abroad, contacts with former capitalists, having lived in a
46930 Western country, insufficient knowledge of Communist literature, and others.
46932 A man is interviewed by a "Verification Committee."
46933 "What kind of family do you come from?"
46934 "A rich, Jewish family."
46936 "A German aristocrat."
46937 "Have you ever been to the West?"
46938 "I spent most of my life in England."
46939 "How did you make a living there?"
46940 "A friend supported me."
46941 "Where did you get the money from?"
46942 "He owned a textile factory."
46944 "Never heard of him."
46945 "What is your name?"
46948 [The ERA] encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children,
46949 practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become lesbians.
46950 -- Pat Robertson, Man of God and serious Republican
46951 presidential aspirant.
46953 The error of youth is to believe that intelligence is a substitute
46954 for experience, while the error of age is to believe experience is
46955 a substitute for intelligence.
46958 The eternal feminine draws us upward.
46961 The executioner is, I hear, very expert, and my neck is very slender.
46964 The explanation requiring the fewest assumptions
46965 is the most likely to be correct.
46966 -- William of Occam
46968 The eye is a menace to clear sight, the ear is a menace to subtle hearing,
46969 the mind is a menace to wisdom, every organ of the senses is a menace to its
46970 own capacity. ... Fuss, the god of the Southern Ocean, and Fret, the god
46971 of the Northern Ocean, happened once to meet in the realm of Chaos, the god
46972 of the center. Chaos treated them very handsomely and they discussed together
46973 what they could do to repay his kindness. They had noticed that, whereas
46974 everyone else had seven apertures, for sight, hearing, eating, breathing and
46975 so on, Chaos had none. So they decided to make the experiment of boring holes
46976 in him. Every day they bored a hole, and on the seventh day, Chaos died.
46979 The eyes of taxes are upon you.
46981 The eyes of Texas are upon you,
46982 All the livelong day;
46983 The eyes of Texas are upon you,
46984 You cannot get away;
46985 Do not think you can escape them
46986 From night 'til early in the morn;
46987 The eyes of Texas are upon you
46988 'Til Gabriel blows his horn.
46989 -- University of Texas' school song
46991 The fact that an opinion has been widely held is no evidence that it is not
46992 utterly absurd; indeed, in view of the silliness of the majority of mankind,
46993 a widespread belief is more often likely to be foolish than sensible.
46994 -- Bertrand Russell, in "Marriage and Morals", 1929
46996 The fact that boys are allowed to exist at all is evidence of a
46997 remarkable Christian forbearance among men.
47000 The fact that hitler was a politcal genius unmasks the nature of politics
47001 in general as no other can.
47004 The fact that it works is immaterial.
47007 The fact that people are poor or discriminated against doesn't necessarily
47008 endow them with any special qualities of justice, nobility, charity or
47012 The famous politician was trying to save both his faces.
47014 The farther you go, the less you know.
47015 -- Lao Tsu, "Tao Te Ching"
47017 The fashion wears out more apparel than the man.
47018 -- William Shakespeare, "Much Ado About Nothing"
47020 The fashionable drawing rooms of London have always been happy to accept
47021 outsiders -- if only on their own, albeit undemanding terms. That is to
47022 say, artists, so long as they are not too talented, men of humble birth,
47023 so long as they have since amassed several million pounds, and socialists
47024 so long as they are Tories.
47025 -- Christopher Booker
47027 The faster I go, the behinder I get.
47030 The faster we go, the rounder we get.
47031 -- The Grateful Dead
47033 The Fastest Defeat In Chess
47034 The big name for us in the world of chess is Gibaud, a French chess
47036 In Paris during 1924 he was beaten after only four moves by a
47037 Monsieur Lazard. Happily for posterity, the moves are recorded and so
47038 chess enthusiasts may reconstruct this magnificent collapse in the comfort
47039 of their own homes.
47040 Lazard was black and Gibaud white:
47045 White then resigns on realizing that a fifth move would involve
47046 either a Q-KR5 check or the loss of his queen.
47047 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
47049 The father, passing through his son's college town late one evening on a
47050 business trip, thought he would pay his boy a surprise visit. Arriving at the
47051 lad's fraternity house, dad rapped loudly on the door. After several minutes
47052 of knocking, a sleepy voice drifted down from a second-floor window,
47054 "Does Ramsey Duncan live here?" asked the father.
47055 "Yeah," replied the voice. "Dump him on the front porch."
47057 The feeling persists that no one can simultaneously be a respectable writer
47058 and understand how a refrigerator works, just as no gentleman wears a brown
47059 suit in the city. Colleges may be to blame. English majors are encouraged,
47060 I know, to hate chemistry and physics, and to be proud because they are not
47061 dull and creepy and humorless and war-oriented like the engineers across the
47062 quad. And our most impressive critics have commonly been such English majors,
47063 and they are squeamish about technology to this very day. So it is natural
47064 for them to despise science fiction.
47065 -- Kurt Vonnegut Jr., "Science Fiction"
47067 The fellow sat down at a bar, ordered a drink and asked the bartender if he
47068 wanted to hear a dumb-jock joke.
47069 "Hey, buddy," the bartender replied, "you see those two guys next to
47070 you? They used to be with the Chicago Bears. The two dudes behind you made
47071 the U.S. Olympic wrestling team. And for you information, I used to play
47072 center at Notre Dame."
47073 "Forget it," the customer said. "I don't want to explain it five
47076 "The feminist agenda," Pat Robertson observed in a recent letter to his
47077 supporters, "is not about equal rights for women. It is about a socialist,
47078 anti-family political movement that encourages women to leave their
47079 husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism
47080 and become lesbians."
47082 The Feynman Problem-Solving Algorithm:
47083 (1) write down the problem.
47084 (2) think very hard.
47085 (3) write down the answer.
47086 -- Murray Gell-Mann
47089 You have taken yourself too seriously.
47091 The final delusion is the belief that one has lost all delusions.
47092 -- Maurice Chapelain, "Main courante"
47094 The finest eloquence is that which gets things done.
47096 The first 90% of a project takes 90% of the time,
47097 the last 10% takes the other 90% of the time.
47099 The first and almost the only Book deserving of universal attention is
47101 -- John Quincy Adams
47103 All the good from the Saviour of the world is communicated through this Book;
47104 but for the Book we could not know right from wrong. All the things desirable
47105 to man are contained in it.
47108 ... the Bible ... is the one supreme source of revelation of the meaning of
47109 life, the nature of God and spiritual nature and need of men. It is the only
47110 guide of life which really leads the spirit in the way of peace and salvation.
47113 The First Commandment for Technicians:
47114 Beware the lightening that lurketh in the undischarged
47115 capacitor, lest it cause thee to bounce upon thy buttocks in a most
47116 untechnician-like manner.
47118 The first duty of a revolutionary is to get away with it.
47121 The first Great Steward, Parrafin the Climber, was employed in King
47122 Chloroplast's kitchen as second scullery boy when the old King met a
47123 tragic death. He apparently fell backward by accident on a dozen salad
47124 forks. Simultaneously the true heir, his son Carotene, mysteriously
47125 fled the city, complaining of some sort of plot and a lot of
47126 threatening notes left on his breakfast tray. At the time, this looked
47127 suspicious what with his father's death, and Carotene was suspected of
47128 foul play. Then the rest of the King's relatives began to drop dead
47129 one after the other in an odd fashion. Some were found strangled with
47130 dishrags and some succumbed to food poisoning. A few were found
47131 drowned in the soup vats, and one was attacked by assailants unknown
47132 and beaten to death with a pot roast. At least three appear to have
47133 thrown themselves backward on salad forks, perhaps in a noble gesture
47134 of grief over the King's untimely end. Finally there was no one left
47135 in Minas Troney who was either eligible or willing to wear the accursed
47136 crown, and the rule of Twodor was up for grabs. The scullery slave
47137 Parrafin bravely accepted the Stewardship of Twodor until that day when
47138 a lineal descendant of Carotene's returns to reclaim his rightful
47139 throne, conquer Twodor's enemies, and revamp the postal system.
47140 -- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings"
47142 The first guy that rats gets a bellyful of slugs in the head. Understand?
47143 -- Joey Glimco, trade unionist
47145 The first guy that rats gets a belly-full of slugs in the head.
47149 The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents and the second half
47153 The first marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence,
47154 and the second the triumph of hope over experience.
47156 The first myth of management is that it exists. The second myth of
47157 management is that success equals skill.
47160 The first requisite for immortality is death.
47163 The first riddle I ever heard, one familiar to almost every Jewish
47164 child, was propounded to me by my father:
47165 "What is it that hangs on the wall, is green, wet -- and
47167 I knit my brow and thought and thought, and in final perplexity
47169 "A herring," said my father.
47170 "A herring," I echoed. "A herring doesn't hang on the wall!"
47171 "So hang it there."
47172 "But a herring isn't green!" I protested.
47174 "But a herring isn't wet."
47175 "If it's just painted it's still wet."
47176 "But -- " I sputtered, summoning all my outrage, "-- a herring
47178 "Right, " smiled my father. "I just put that in to make it
47180 -- Leo Rosten, "The Joys of Yiddish"
47182 The first Rotarian was the first man to call John the Baptist "Jack."
47185 The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts.
47188 The first rule of magic is simple. Don't waste your time waving your
47189 hands and hoping when a rock or a club will do.
47190 -- McCloctnik the Lucid
47192 The First Rule of Program Optimization:
47195 The Second Rule of Program Optimization (for experts only!):
47199 The first thing I do in the morning
47200 is brush my teeth and sharpen my tongue.
47203 The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers.
47204 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI", Part IV
47206 The first time, it's a KLUDGE!
47207 The second, a trick.
47208 Later, it's a well-established technique!
47209 -- Mike Broido, Intermetrics
47211 The first version always gets thrown away.
47213 The five rules of Socialism:
47216 2. If you do think, don't speak.
47217 3. If you think and speak, don't write.
47218 4. If you think, speak and write, don't sign.
47219 5. If you think, speak, write and sign, don't be surprised.
47221 -- being told in Poland, 1987
47223 ...the flaw that makes perfection perfect.
47225 The flow chart is a most thoroughly oversold piece of program documentation.
47226 -- Frederick Brooks Jr., "The Mythical Man-Month"
47228 The flush toilet is the basis of Western civilization.
47231 The following quote is from page 4-27 of the MSCP Basic Disk Functions
47232 Manual which is part of the UDA50 Programmers Doc Kit manuals:
47234 As stated above, the host area of a disk is structured as a vector of
47235 logical blocks. From a performance viewpoint, however, it is more
47236 appropriate to view the host area as a four dimensional hyper-cube, the
47237 four dimensions being cylinder, group, track, and sector.
47239 Referring to our hyper-cube analogy, the set of potentially accessible
47240 blocks form a line parallel to the track axis. This line moves
47241 parallel to the sector axis, wrapping around when it reaches the edge
47244 The following statement is not true.
47245 The previous statement is true.
47247 The Following Subsume All Physical and Human Laws:
47249 1. You can't push on a string.
47250 2. Ain't no free lunches.
47251 3. Them as has, gets.
47252 4. You can't win them all, but you sure as hell can lose them all.
47254 The Force is what holds everything together.
47255 It has its dark side, and it has its light side.
47256 It's sort of like cosmic duct tape.
47258 The [Ford Foundation] is a large body of money completely surrounded by
47259 people who want some.
47260 -- Dwight MacDonald
47262 The forest is safe because a lion lives therein and the lion is safe
47263 because it lives in a forest. Likewise the friendship of persons
47264 rests on mutual help.
47267 The fortune program is supported, in part, by user contributions and by
47268 a major grant from the National Endowment for the Inanities.
47270 The founding fathers tried to set up a judicial system where the accused
47271 received a fair trial, not a system to ensure an acquittal on technicalities.
47273 The founding fathers tried to set up a system where a man got a fair
47274 trial, not a system to get let him get off on technicalities.
47276 The fountain code has been tightened slightly so you can no longer dip
47277 objects into a fountain or drink from one while you are floating in mid-air
47279 Teleporting to hell via a teleportation trap will no longer occur
47280 if the character does not have fire resistance.
47281 -- README file from the NetHack game
47283 "The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and
47287 [The French Riviera is] a sunny place for shady people.
47288 -- W. Somerset Maugham
47290 The full impact of parenthood doesn't hit you until you multiply the
47291 number of your kids by 32 teeth.
47293 The full potentialities of human fury cannot be reached until a friend
47294 of both parties tactfully interferes.
47295 -- G. K. Chesterton
47297 The function of the expert is not to be more right than other people,
47298 but to be wrong for more sophisticated reasons.
47299 -- Dr. David Butler, British psephologist
47301 The future is a myth created by insurance
47302 salesmen and high school counselors.
47304 The future is a race between education and catastrophe.
47307 The future isn't what it used to be. (It never was.)
47309 The future lies ahead.
47311 The future not being born, my friend,
47312 we will abstain from baptizing it.
47315 The garden is in mourning;
47316 The rain falls cool among the flowers.
47317 Summer shivers quietly
47318 On its way towards its end.
47320 Golden leaf after leaf
47321 Falls from the tall acacia.
47322 Summer smiles, astonished, feeble,
47323 In this dying dream of a garden.
47325 For a long while, yet, in the roses,
47326 She will linger on, yearning for peace,
47328 Close her weary eyes.
47329 -- Hermann Hesse, "September"
47331 The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to
47334 The genius of our ruling class is that it has kept a majority of the
47335 people from ever questioning the inequity of a system where most people
47336 drudge along paying heavy taxes for which they get nothing in return.
47339 The gent who wakes up and finds himself a success hasn't been asleep.
47341 The gentlemen looked one another over with microscopic carelessness.
47343 The geographical center of Boston is in Roxbury. Due north of the
47344 center we find the South End. This is not to be confused with South
47345 Boston which lies directly east from the South End. North of the South
47346 End is East Boston and southwest of East Boston is the North End.
47348 The giraffe you thought you offended last week is willing to be nuzzled
47351 The girl who remembers her first kiss now has a daughter who can't even
47352 remember her first husband.
47354 The girl who stoops to conquer usually wears a low-cut dress.
47356 The girl who swears no one has ever made love to her has a right to swear.
47359 The glances over cocktails
47360 That seemed to be so sweet
47361 Don't seem quite so amorous
47362 Over Shredded Wheat
47364 The goal of Computer Science is to build something that will last at
47365 least until we've finished building it.
47367 The goal of science is to build better mousetraps. The goal of nature
47368 is to build better mice.
47370 The gods gave man fire and he invented fire engines. They gave him
47371 love and he invented marriage.
47373 The Golden Rule is of no use to you whatever unless you realize it
47377 THE GOLDEN RULE OF ARTS AND SCIENCES
47378 The one who has the gold makes the rules.
47380 "The good Christian should beware of mathematicians and all those who
47381 make empty prophecies. The danger already exists that mathematicians
47382 have made a covenant with the devil to darken the spirit and confine
47383 man in the bonds of Hell."
47386 The good die young -- because they see it's no use living if you've got
47390 The good (I am convinced, for one)
47391 Is but the bad one leaves undone.
47392 Once your reputation's done
47393 You can live a life of fun.
47396 The good life was so elusive
47397 It really got me down
47398 I had to regain some confidence
47399 So I got into camouflage
47401 The good time is approaching,
47402 The season is at hand.
47403 When the merry click of the two-base lick
47404 Will be heard throughout the land.
47405 The frost still lingers on the earth, and
47406 Budless are the trees.
47407 But the merry ring of the voice of spring
47408 Is borne upon the breeze.
47409 -- Ode to Opening Day, "The Sporting News", 1886
47412 If a string has one end, it has another.
47414 The government has just completed work on a missile that turned out
47415 to be a bit of a boondoggle; nicknamed "Civil Servant", it won't work
47416 and they can't fire it.
47418 The government [is] extremely fond of amassing great quantities of
47419 statistics. These are raised to the _
\bnth degree, the cube roots are
47420 extracted, and the results are arranged into elaborate and impressive
47421 displays. What must be kept ever in mind, however, is that in every
47422 case, the figures are first put down by a village watchman, and he puts
47423 down anything he damn well pleases.
47424 -- Sir Josiah Stamp
47426 The Government just announced today the creation of the Neutron Bomb II.
47427 Similar to the Neutron Bomb, the Neutron Bomb II not only kills people
47428 and leaves buildings standing, but also does a little light housekeeping.
47430 The government of the United States is not in any sense founded on the
47432 -- George Washington
47434 The government was contemplating the dispatch of an expedition to Burma,
47435 with a view to taking Rangoon, and a question arose as to who would be the
47436 fittest general to be sent in command of the expedition. The Cabinet sent
47437 for the Duke of Wellington, and asked his advice. He instantly replied,
47438 "Send Lord Combermere."
47439 "But we have always understood that your Grace thought Lord
47440 Combermere a fool."
47441 "So he is a fool, and a damned fool; but he can take Rangoon."
47442 -- G. W. E. Russell
47444 The goys have proven the following theorem...
47445 -- Physicist John von Neumann, at the start of a classroom
47448 The grand leap of the whale up the Fall of Niagara is esteemed, by all
47449 who have seen it, as one of the finest spectacles in nature.
47450 -- Benjamin Franklin
47452 The grass is always greener on the other side of your sunglasses.
47454 The grave's a fine and private place,
47455 but none, I think, do there embrace.
47458 The graveyards are full of indispensable men.
47459 -- Charles de Gaulle
47461 The Great Bald Swamp Hedgehog:
47462 The Great Bald Swamp Hedgehog of Billericay displays, in
47463 courtship, his single prickle and does impressions of Holiday Inn desk
47464 clerks. Since this means him standing motionless for enormous periods
47465 of time he is often eaten in full display by The Great Bald Swamp
47467 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
47469 The great merit of society is to make one appreciate solitude.
47470 -- Charles Chincholles, "Reflections on the Art of Life"
47472 The Great Movie Posters:
47474 *A Giggle Gurgling Gulp of Glee*
47475 With Pretty Girls, Peppy Scenes, and Gorgeous Revues -- plus a good story.
47476 -- Tea with a Kick (1924)
47478 Whoopie! Let's go!... Hand-picked Beauties doing cute tricks!
47479 GET IN THE KNOW FOR THE HEY-HEY WHOOPIE!
47480 -- The Wild Party (1929)
47482 YOU HEAR HIM MAKE LOVE!
47483 DIX -- the dashing soldier!
47484 DIX -- the bold adventurer!
47485 DIX -- the throbbing lover!
47486 -- The Wheel of Life (1929)
47488 SEE CHARLES BUTTERWORTH DRIVE A STREETCAR AND SING LOVE
47489 SONGS TO HIS MARE "MITZIE"!
47490 -- The Night is Young (1934)
47492 The Great Movie Posters:
47494 A mis-spawned murderous abomination from the nether reaches of an
47496 -- The Killer of Castle Brood (1967)
47498 NEW -- SICKENING HORROR to make your STOMACH TURN and FLESH CRAWL!
47499 -- Frankenstein's Bloody Terror (1968)
47501 LUST-MAD MEN AND LAWLESS WOMEN IN A VICIOUS AND SENSUOUS ORGY OF
47503 -- Five Bloody Graves (1969)
47505 The family that slays together stays together.
47506 -- Bloody Mama (1970)
47508 The Great Movie Posters:
47510 An AVALANCHE of KILLER WORMS!
47513 Most Movies Live Less Than Two Hours.
47514 This Is One of Everlasting Torment!
47515 -- The New House on the Left (1977)
47517 WE ARE GOING TO EAT YOU!
47520 It's not human and it's got an axe.
47523 The Great Movie Posters:
47525 Different! Daring! Dynamic! Defying! Dumbfounding!
47526 SEE Uncle Tom lead the Negroes to FREEDOM!
47527 ... Now, all the SENSUAL and VIOLENT passions Roots couldn't show on TV!
47528 -- Uncle Tom's Cabin (1972)
47530 An appalling amalgam of carnage and carnality!
47531 -- Flesh and Blood Show (1973)
47533 WHEN THE CATS ARE HUNGRY...
47534 RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!
47535 Alone, only a harmless pet...
47536 One Thousand Strong, They Become a Man-Eating Machine!
47537 -- The Night of a Thousand Cats (1972)
47539 They're Over-Exposed
47540 But Not Under-Developed!
47541 -- Cover Girl Models (1976)
47543 The Great Movie Posters:
47545 HOODLUMS FROM ANOTHER WORLD ON A RAY-GUN RAMPAGE!
47546 -- Teenagers from Outher Space (1959)
47548 Which will be Her Mate... MAN OR BEAST?
47549 Meet Velda -- the Kind of Woman -- Man or Gorilla would kill... to Keep.
47550 -- Untamed Mistress (1960)
47552 NOW AN ALL-MIGHTY ALL-NEW MOTION PICTURE BRINGS THEM TOGETHER FOR THE
47553 FIRST TIME... HISTORY'S MOST GIGANTIC MONSTERS IN COMBAT ATOP MOUNT FUJI!
47554 -- King Kong vs. Godzilla (1963)
47556 The Great Movie Posters:
47558 HOT STEEL BETWEEN THEIR LEGS!
47559 -- The Cycle Savages (1969)
47561 The Hand that Rocks the Cradle... Has no Flesh on It!
47562 -- Who Slew Auntie Roo? (1971)
47564 TWO GREAT BLOOD HORRORS TO RIP OUT YOUR GUTS!
47565 -- I Eat Your Skin & I Drink Your Blood (1971 double-bill)
47567 They Went In People and Came Out Hamburger!
47568 -- The Corpse Grinders (1971)
47570 The Great Movie Posters:
47572 KATHERINE HEPBURN as the lying, stealing, singing, preying witch girl
47573 of the Ozarks... "Low down white trash"? Maybe so -- but let her hear
47574 you say it and she'll break your head to prove herself a lady!
47577 Do Native Women Live With Apes?
47578 -- Love Life of a Gorilla (1937)
47581 When she looked into his eyes, felt his arms around her -- she
47582 was no longer Tura, mysterious white goddess of the jungle tribes --
47583 she was no longer the frozen-hearted high priestess under whose hypnotic
47584 spell the worshippers of the great crocodile god meekly bowed -- she
47585 was a girl in love!
47586 SEE the ravening charge of the hundred scared CROCODILES!
47587 -- Her Jungle Love (1938)
47589 LOVE! HATE! JOY! FEAR! TORMENT! PANIC! SHAME! RAGE!
47590 -- Intermezzo (1939)
47592 The Great Movie Posters:
47594 POWERFUL! SHOCKING! RAW! ROUGH! CHALLENGING! SEE A LITTLE GIRL MOLESTED!
47595 -- Never Take Candy from a Stranger (1963)
47597 She Sins in Mobile --
47598 Marries in Houston --
47599 Loses Her Baby in Dallas --
47600 Leaves Her Husband in Tucson --
47601 MEETS HARRU IN SAN DIEGO!...
47604 NOW -- McCLANAHAN!!!
47605 -- The Rotten Apple (1963), Rue McClanahan
47607 *NOT FOR SISSIES! DON'T COME IF YOU'RE CHICKEN!
47608 A Horrifying Movie of Weird Beauties and Shocking Monsters...
47609 1001 WEIRDEST SCENES EVER!! MOST SHOCKING THRILLER OF THE CENTURY!
47610 -- Teenage Psycho meets Bloody Mary (1964) (Alternate Title:
47611 The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and
47612 Became Mixed Up Zombies)
47614 The Great Movie Posters:
47616 SCENES THAT WILL STAGGER YOUR SIGHT!
47617 -- DANCING CALLED GO-GO
47618 -- MUSIC CALLED JU-JU
47619 -- NARCOTICS CALLED BANGI!
47620 -- FIRES OF PUBERTY!
47621 SEE the burning of a virgin!
47622 SEE power of witch doctor over women!
47623 SEE pygmies with fantastic Physical Endowments!!!
47626 The Big Comedy of Nineteen-Sexty-Sex!
47627 -- Boeing-Boeing (1965)
47629 AN ASTRONAUT WENT UP-
47630 A "GUESS WHAT" CAME DOWN!
47631 The picture that comes complete with a 10-foot tall monster to
47632 give you the wim-wams!
47633 -- Monster a Go-Go (1965)
47635 The Great Movie Posters:
47637 SEE rebel guerrillas torn apart by trucks!
47638 SEE corpses cut to pieces and fed to dogs and vultures!
47639 SEE the monkey trained to perform nursing duties for her paralyzed owner!
47640 -- Sweet and Savage (1983)
47642 What a Guy! What a Gal! What a Pair!
47643 -- Stroker Ace (1983)
47645 It's always better when you come again!
47646 -- Porky's II: The Next Day (1983)
47648 You Don't Have to Go to Texas for a Chainsaw Massacre!
47651 The Great Movie Posters:
47653 SHE TOOK ON A WHOLE GANG! A howling hellcat humping a hot steel hog
47654 on a roaring rampage of revenge!
47655 -- Bury Me an Angel (1972)
47657 WHAT'S THE SECRET INGREDIENT USED BY THE MAD BUTCHER FOR HIS SUPERB
47659 -- Meat is Meat (1972)
47662 TOMORROW the World!
47665 The Great Movie Posters:
47667 She's got the biggest six-shooters in the West!
47668 -- The Beautiful Blonde from Bashful Bend (1949)
47675 1 YEAR TO MAKE THIS FILM --
47676 24 YEARS TO REHEARSE --
47677 20 YEARS TO DISTRIBUTE!
47678 BEAUTIFUL BEYOND WORDS!
47679 AWE-INSPIRING! VITAL!
47680 THE PRINCE OF PEACE PROVIDES THE ANSWER TO EVERY PROBLEM!
47681 Be Brave-bring your troubles and your family to:
47682 HISTORY'S MOST SUBLIME EVENT! YOU'LL FIND GOD RIGHT IN THERE!
47683 -- The Prince of Peace (1948). Starring members of the
47684 Wichita Mountain Pageant featuring Millard Coody as Jesus.
47686 The Great Movie Posters:
47688 The Miracle of the Age!!! A LION in your lap! A LOVER in your arms!
47689 -- Bwana Devil (1952)
47691 OVERWHELMING! ELECTRIFYING! BAFFLING!
47692 Fire Can't Burn Them! Bullets Can't Kill Them! See the Unfolding of
47693 the Mysteries of the Moon as Murderous Robot Monsters Descend Upon the
47694 Earth! You've Never Seen Anything Like It! Neither Has the World!
47695 SEE... Robots from Space in All Their Glory!!!
47696 -- Robot Monster (1953)
47698 1,965 pyramids, 5,337 dancing girls, one million swaying bullrushes,
47700 -- The Egyptian (1954)
47702 The Great Movie Posters:
47704 The nightmare terror of the slithering eye that unleashed agonizing
47705 horror on a screaming world!
47706 -- The Crawling Eye (1958)
47708 SEE a female colossus... her mountainous torso, skyscraper limbs,
47710 -- Attack of the Fifty-Foot Woman (1958)
47712 Here Is Your Chance To Know More About Sex.
47713 What Should a Movie Do? Hide It's Head in the Sand Like an Ostrich?
47714 Or Face the JOLTING TRUTH as does...
47715 -- The Desperate Women (1958)
47717 The Great Movie Posters:
47719 They hungered for her treasure! And died for her pleasure!
47720 SEE Man-Fish Battle Shark-Man-Killer!
47721 -- The Golden Mistress (1954)
47723 See Jane Russell in 3-D; She'll Knock Both Your Eyes Out!
47724 -- The French Line (1954)
47726 See Jane Russell Shake Her Tambourines... and Drive Cornel WILDE!
47727 -- Hot Blood (1956)
47729 The Great Movie Posters:
47731 When You're Six Tons -- And They Call You Killer -- It's Hard To Make
47733 -- Namu, the Killer Whale (1966)
47735 Meet the Girls with the Thermo-Nuclear Navels!
47736 -- Dr. Goldfoot and the Girl Bombs (1966)
47738 A GHASTLY TALE DRENCHED WITH GOUTS OF BLOOD SPURTING FROM THE VICTIMS
47739 OF A CRAZED MADMAN'S LUST.
47740 -- A Taste of Blood (1967)
47742 The great nations have always acted like gangsters and the small nations
47746 The great question that has never been answered and which I have not
47747 yet been able to answer despite my thirty years of research into the
47748 feminine soul is: WHAT DOES A WOMAN WANT?
47751 The great secret in life ... [is] not to open your letters for a fortnight.
47752 At the expiration of that period you will find that nearly all of them have
47753 answered themselves.
47756 The greatest dangers to liberty lurk in insidious encroachment by men
47757 of zeal, well-meaning but without understanding.
47758 -- Justice Louis D. Brandeis
47760 The greatest disloyalty one can offer to great pioneers
47761 is to refuse to move an inch from where they stood.
47763 The greatest griefs are those we cause ourselves.
47766 The greatest joy a man can know is to conquer his enemies and drive them
47767 before him. To ride their horses and take away their possessions. To see
47768 the faces of those who were dear to them bedewed with tears, and to clasp
47769 their wives and daughters to his arms.
47770 -- Chinggis (Genghis) Khan
47772 The greatest love is a mother's, then a dog's, then a sweetheart's.
47775 The Greatest Mathematical Error
47776 The Mariner I space probe was launched from Cape Canaveral on 28
47777 July 1962 towards Venus. After 13 minutes' flight a booster engine would
47778 give acceleration up to 25,820 mph; after 44 minutes 9,800 solar cells
47779 would unfold; after 80 days a computer would calculate the final course
47780 corrections and after 100 days the craft would circle the unknown planet,
47781 scanning the mysterious cloud in which it is bathed.
47782 However, with an efficiency that is truly heartening, Mariner I
47783 plunged into the Atlantic Ocean only four minutes after takeoff.
47784 Inquiries later revealed that a minus sign had been omitted from
47785 the instructions fed into the computer. "It was human error", a launch
47787 This minus sign cost L4,280,000.
47788 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
47790 The greatest of faults is to be conscious of none.
47792 The greatest productive force is human selfishness.
47793 -- Robert A. Heinlein
47795 The greatest remedy for anger is delay.
47797 The groundhog is like most other prophets;
47798 it delivers its message and then disappears.
47800 The happiest time in any man's life is just after the first divorce.
47803 The hardest part of climbing the ladder of
47804 success is getting through the crowd at the bottom.
47806 The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax.
47809 The hardest thing is to disguise your feelings when
47810 you put a lot of relatives on the train for home.
47812 The hater of property and of government takes care to have his warranty
47813 deed recorded, and the book written against fame and learning has the
47814 author's name on the title page.
47815 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson, Journals, 1831
47817 The hatred of relatives is the most violent.
47818 -- Tacitus (c.55 - c.117)
47820 The health of a democratic society may be measured by the quality
47821 of functions performed by private citizens.
47822 -- Alexis de Tocqueville
47824 The hearing ear is always found close to the speaking tongue, a custom
47825 whereof the memory of man runneth not howsomever to the contrary, nohow.
47827 The heart has its reasons which reason knows nothing of.
47830 The heart is wiser than the intellect.
47832 ...the heat come 'round and busted me for smiling on a cloudy day.
47834 The heaviest object in the world is the
47835 body of the woman you have ceased to love.
47836 -- Marquis de Lac de Clapiers Vauvenargues
47838 The Heineken Uncertainty Principle:
47839 You can never be sure how many beers you had last night.
47841 "The hell with the prime directive! Let's kill something!"
47843 The help people need most urgently is
47844 help in admitting that they need help.
47846 The herd instinct among economists makes sheep look like independent
47849 The heroic hours of life do not announce their presence by drum and trumpet,
47850 challenging us to be true to ourselves by appeals to the martial spirit that
47851 keeps the blood at heat. Some little, unassuming, unobtrusive choice presents
47852 itself before us slyly and craftily, glib and insinuating, in the modest garb
47853 of innocence. To yield to its blandishments is so easy. The wrong, it seems,
47854 is venial... Then it is that you will be summoned to show the courage of
47856 -- Benjamin Cardozo
47858 The hieroglyphics are all unreadable except for a notation on the back,
47859 which reads "Genuine authentic Egyptian papyrus. Guaranteed to be at
47860 least 5000 years old."
47862 The higher you climb, the more you show your ass.
47863 -- Alexander Pope, "The Dunciad"
47865 The History of every major Galactic Civilization tends to pass through
47866 three distinct and recognizable phases, those of Survival, Inquiry, and
47867 Sophistication, otherwise known as the How, Why, and Where phases. For
47868 instance, the first phase is characterized by the question "How can we
47869 eat?" the second by "Why do we eat?" and the third by "Where shall we
47871 -- Douglas Adams, "The Restaurant at the End of the Universe"
47873 The history of warfare is similarly subdivided, although here the phases
47874 are Retribution, Anticipation, and Diplomacy. Thus:
47877 I'm going to kill you because you killed my brother.
47879 I'm going to kill you because I killed your brother.
47881 I'm going to kill my brother and then kill you on the
47882 pretext that your brother did it.
47884 The Hollywood tradition I like best is called "sucking up to the stars."
47887 The honeymoon is not actually over until we cease
47888 to stifle our sighs and begin to stifle our yawns.
47891 The honeymoon is over when he phones to say he'll be late for supper and
47892 she's already left a note that it's in the refrigerator.
47895 The horror... the horror!
47897 The human animal differs from the lesser primates in his passion for
47898 lists of "Ten Best".
47901 The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment
47902 you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.
47903 -- Sir George Jessel
47905 "The human brain is like an enormous fish -- it is flat and slimy and
47906 has gills through which it can see."
47909 The human mind ordinarily operates at only ten percent of its
47910 capacity -- the rest is overhead for the operating system.
47912 The human mind treats a new idea the way the body treats a strange
47913 protein -- it rejects it.
47916 The human race has been fascinated by sharks for as long as I can
47917 remember. Just like the bluebird feeding its young, or the spider
47918 struggling to weave its perfect web, or the buttercup blooming in
47919 spring, the shark reveals to us yet another of the infinite and
47920 wonderful facets of nature, namely the facet that it can bite your head
47921 off. This causes us humans to feel a certain degree of awe.
47922 -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV"
47924 The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter.
47927 The human race is a race of cowards; and I am not only marching in that
47928 procession but carrying a banner.
47931 The human race never solves any of its problems. It merely outlives them.
47934 The husband who doesn't tell his wife everything probably reasons
47935 that what she doesn't know won't hurt him.
47938 The IBM 2250 is impressive ...
47939 if you compare it with a system selling for a tenth its price.
47942 The IBM purchase of ROLM gives new meaning to the term "twisted pair".
47943 -- Howard Anderson, "Yankee Group"
47945 The idea is to die young as late as possible.
47948 The idea that an arbitrary naive human should be able to properly use a given
47949 tool without training or understanding is even more wrong for computing than
47950 it is for other tools (e.g. automobiles, airplanes, guns, power saws).
47953 The idea there was that consumers would bring their broken electronic
47954 devices, such as television sets and VCR's, to the destruction centers,
47955 where trained personnel would whack them (the devices) with
47956 sledgehammers. With their devices thus permanently destroyed,
47957 consumers would then be free to go out and buy new devices, rather than
47958 have to fritter away years of their lives trying to have the old ones
47959 repaired at so-called "factory service centers," which in fact consist
47960 of two men named Lester poking at the insides of broken electronic
47961 devices with cheap cigars and going, "Lookit all them WIRES in there!"
47962 -- Dave Barry, "'Mister Mediocre' Restaurants"
47964 The ideal voice for radio may be defined as showing no substance,
47965 no sex, no owner, and a message of importance for every housewife.
47968 The ideas of economists and political philosophers, both when they
47969 are right and when they are wrong, are more powerful than is generally
47970 understood. Indeed, the world is ruled by little else.
47971 -- John Maynard Keynes
47973 "The identical is equal to itself, since it is different."
47976 The idle man does not know what it is to enjoy rest.
47978 The idle mind knows not what it is it wants.
47981 "The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a bit
47985 The Illiterati Programus Canto 1:
47986 A program is a lot like a nose:
47987 Sometimes it runs, and sometimes it blows.
47989 The important thing is not to stop questioning.
47991 The important thing to remember about walking on eggs is not to hop.
47993 The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf
47994 has. Even when you make a tax form out on the level, you don't know
47995 when it's through if you are a crook or a martyr.
47998 The individual choice of garnishment of a burger can be an important
47999 point to the consumer in this day when individualism is an increasingly
48000 important thing to people.
48001 -- Donald N. Smith, president of Burger King
48003 The infliction of cruelty with a good conscience is
48004 a delight to moralists. That is why they invented hell.
48005 -- Bertrand Russell
48007 The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of blessings;
48008 the inherent virtue of socialism is the equal sharing of misery.
48009 -- Winston Churchill
48011 The instruments of science do not in themselves discover truth. And
48012 there are searchings that are not concluded by the coincidence of a
48013 pointer and a mark.
48014 -- Fred Saberhagen, "The Berserker Wars"
48016 The intelligence of any discussion diminishes with the square of the
48017 number of participants.
48020 The introduction of a new kind of music must be shunned as imperiling
48021 the whole state, for styles of music are never disturbed without
48022 affecting the most important political institutions. ... The new
48023 style, gradually gaining a lodgement, quietly insinuates itself into
48024 manners and customs, and from it ... goes on to attack laws and
48025 constitutions, displaying the utmost impudence, until it ends by
48026 overturning everything.
48027 -- Plato, "Republic", 370 B.C.
48029 The IQ of the group is the lowest IQ of a member of the group divided
48030 by the number of people in the group.
48032 The IRS spends God knows how much of your tax money on these toll-free
48033 information hot lines staffed by IRS employees, whose idea of a
48034 dynamite tax tip is that you should print neatly. If you ask them a
48035 real tax question, such as how you can cheat, they're useless.
48037 So, for guidance, you want to look to big business. Big business never
48038 pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big
48039 consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes...
48040 -- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes"
48042 The Israelis are the Doberman pinschers of the Middle East. They
48043 treat the Arabs like postmen.
48046 The Israelites were all waiting anxiously at the foot of the mountain,
48047 knowing that Moses had had a tough day negotiating with God over the
48048 Commandments. Finally a tired Moses came into sight.
48049 "I've got some good news and some bad news, folks," he said. "The
48050 good news is that I got Him down to ten. The bad news is that adultery's
48053 "The jig's up, Elman."
48057 The Junior God now heads the roll
48058 In the list of heaven's peers;
48059 He sits in the House of High Control,
48060 And he regulates the spheres.
48061 Yet does he wonder, do you suppose,
48062 If, even in gods divine,
48063 The best and wisest may not be those
48064 Who have wallowed awhile with the swine?
48067 The justifications for drug testing are part of the presently fashionable
48068 debate concerning restoring America's "competitiveness." Drugs, it has been
48069 revealed, are responsible for rampant absenteeism, reduced output, and poor
48070 quality work. But is drug testing in fact rationally related to the
48071 resurrection of competitiveness? Will charging the atmosphere of the
48072 workplace with the fear of excretory betrayal honestly spur productivity?
48073 Much noise has been made about rehabilitating the worker using drugs, but
48074 to date the vast majority of programs end with the simple firing or the not
48075 hiring of the abuser. This practice may exacerbate, not alleviate, the
48076 nation's productivity problem. If economic rehabilitation is the ultimate
48077 goal of drug testing, then criteria abandoning the rehabilitation of the
48078 drug-using worker is the purest of hypocrisy and the worst of rationalization.
48079 -- The concluding paragraph of "Constitutional Law: The
48080 Fourth Amendment and Drug Testing in the Workplace,"
48081 Tim Moore, Harvard Journal of Law & Public Policy, vol.
48082 10, No. 3 (Summer 1987), pp. 762-768.
48084 The Kennedy Constant:
48085 Don't get mad -- get even.
48087 The key elements in human thinking are not numbers but labels of fuzzy sets.
48090 The key to building a superstar is to keep their mouth shut. To reveal
48091 an artist to the people can be to destroy him. It isn't to anyone's
48092 advantage to see the truth.
48093 -- Bob Ezrin, rock music producer
48095 The Killer Ducks are coming!!!
48097 The kind of danger people most enjoy is
48098 the kind they can watch from a safe place.
48100 The King and his advisor are overlooking the battle field:
48102 King: "How goes the battle plan?"
48103 Advisor: "See those little black specks running to the right?"
48105 A: "Those are their guys. And all those little red specks running
48106 to the left are our guys. Then when they collide we wait till
48109 A: "If there are more red specks left than black specks, we win."
48110 K: "But what about the ^#!!$% battle plan?"
48111 A: "So far, it seems to be going according to specks."
48113 The knowledge that makes us cherish
48114 innocence makes innocence unattainable.
48117 The Kosher Dill was invented in 1723 by Joe Kosher and Sam Dill. It is
48118 the single most popular pickle variety today, enjoyed throughout the free
48119 world by man, woman and child alike. An astounding 350 billion kosher
48120 dills are eaten each year, averaging out to almost 1/4 pickle per person
48121 per day. New York Times food critic Mimi Sheraton says "The kosher dill
48122 really changed my life. I used to enjoy eating McDonald's hamburgers and
48123 drinking Iron City Lite, and then I encountered the kosher dill pickle.
48124 I realized that there was far more to haute cuisine then I'd ever imagined.
48125 And now, just look at me."
48127 The ladies men admire, I've heard,
48128 Would shudder at a wicked word.
48129 Their candle gives a single light;
48130 They'd rather stay at home at night.
48131 They do not keep awake till three,
48132 Nor read erotic poetry.
48133 They never sanction the impure,
48134 Nor recognize an overture.
48135 They shrink from powders and from paints ...
48136 So far, I've had no complaints.
48139 The language of politics is poetry, not prose. Jackson is poetry.
48140 Cuomo is poetry. Dukakis is a word processor.
48141 -- Richard Nixon, on Meet the Press, April, 1988
48143 The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for
48144 everything that goes wrong -- until the next person quits or is fired.
48146 The last person who said that (God rest his soul) lived to regret it.
48148 The last thing one knows in constructing a work is what to put first.
48151 The last time I saw him he was walking down Lover's Lane holding his own
48155 The last time somebody said, "I find I can write much better with a
48156 word processor," I replied, "They used to say the same thing about
48160 The last vestiges of the old Republic have been swept away.
48163 The Law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich, as well as the
48164 poor, to sleep under the bridges, to beg in the streets, and to steal
48168 The Law of Probable Dispersal:
48169 That which hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
48171 The Law of the Letter:
48172 The best way to inspire fresh thoughts is to seal the envelope.
48174 The Law of the Perversity of Nature:
48175 You cannot determine beforehand which side of the bread to butter.
48177 The law will never make men free; it is men who have got to make the
48179 -- Henry David Thoreau
48181 "The lawgiver, of all beings, most owes the law allegiance. He of all
48182 men should behave as though the law compelled him. But it is the
48183 universal weakness of mankind that what we are given to administer we
48184 presently imagine we own."
48187 The Least Perceptive Literary Critic
48188 The most important critic in our field of study is Lord Halifax. A
48189 most individual judge of poetry, he once invited Alexander Pope round to
48190 give a public reading of his latest poem.
48191 Pope, the leading poet of his day, was greatly surprised when Lord
48192 Halifax stopped him four or five times and said, "I beg your pardon, Mr.
48193 Pope, but there is something in that passage that does not quite please me."
48194 Pope was rendered speechless, as this fine critic suggested sizeable
48195 and unwise emendations to his latest masterpiece. "Be so good as to mark
48196 the place and consider at your leisure. I'm sure you can give it a better
48198 After the reading, a good friend of Lord Halifax, a certain Dr.
48199 Garth, took the stunned Pope to one side. "There is no need to touch the
48200 lines," he said. "All you need do is leave them just as they are, call on
48201 Lord Halifax two or three months hence, thank him for his kind observation
48202 on those passages, and then read them to him as altered. I have known him
48203 much longer than you have, and will be answerable for the event."
48204 Pope took his advice, called on Lord Hallifax and read the poem
48205 exactly as it was before. His unique critical faculties had lost none of
48206 their edge. "Ay", he commented, "now they are perfectly right. Nothing can
48208 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
48210 The Least Successful Animal Rescue
48211 The firemen's strike of 1978 made possible one of the great animal
48212 rescue attempts of all time. Valiantly, the British Army had taken over
48213 emergency firefighting and on 14 January they were called out by an elderly
48214 lady in South London to retrieve her cat which had become trapped up a
48215 tree. They arrived with impressive haste and soon discharged their duty.
48216 So grateful was the lady that she invited them all in for tea. Driving off
48217 later, with fond farewells completed, they ran over the cat and killed it.
48218 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
48220 The Least Successful Collector
48221 Betsy Baker played a central role in the history of collecting. She
48222 was employed as a servant in the house of John Warburton (1682-1759) who had
48223 amassed a fine collection of 58 first edition plays, including most of the
48224 works of Shakespeare.
48225 One day Warburton returned home to find 55 of them charred beyond
48226 legibility. Betsy had either burned them or used them as pie bottoms. The
48227 remaining three folios are now in the British Museum.
48228 The only comparable literary figure was the maid who in 1835 burned
48229 the manuscript of the first volume of Thomas Carlyle's "The History of the
48230 French Revolution", thinking it was wastepaper.
48231 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
48233 The Least Successful Defrosting Device
48234 The all-time record here is held by Mr. Peter Rowlands of Lancaster
48235 whose lips became frozen to his lock in 1979 while blowing warm air on it.
48236 "I got down on my knees to breathe into the lock. Somehow my lips
48238 While he was in the posture, an old lady passed an inquired if he
48239 was all right. "Alra? Igmmlptk", he replied at which point she ran away.
48240 "I tried to tell her what had happened, but it came out sort of...
48241 muffled," explained Mr. Rowlands, a pottery designer.
48242 He was trapped for twenty minutes ("I felt a bit foolish") until
48243 constant hot breathing brought freedom. He was subsequently nicknamed "Hot
48245 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
48247 The Least Successful Equal Pay Advertisement
48248 In 1976 the European Economic Community pointed out to the Irish
48249 Government that it had not yet implemented the agreed sex equality
48250 legislation. The Dublin Government immediately advertised for an equal pay
48251 enforcement officer. The advertisement offered different salary scales for
48253 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
48255 The Least Successful Executions
48256 History has furnished us with two executioners worthy of attention.
48257 The first performed in Sydney in Australia. In 1803 three attempts were
48258 made to hang a Mr. Joseph Samuels. On the first two of these the rope
48259 snapped, while on the third Mr. Samuels just hung there peacefully until he
48260 and everyone else got bored. Since he had proved unsusceptible to capital
48261 punishment, he was reprieved.
48262 The most important British executioner was Mr. James Berry who
48263 tried three times in 1885 to hang Mr. John Lee at Exeter Jail, but on each
48264 occasion failed to get the trap door open.
48265 In recognition of this achievement, the Home Secretary commuted
48266 Lee's sentence to "life" imprisonment. He was released in 1917, emigrated
48267 to America and lived until 1933.
48268 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
48270 The Least Successful Police Dogs
48271 America has a very strong candidate in "La Dur", a fearsome looking
48272 schnauzer hound, who was retired from the Orlando police force in Florida
48273 in 1978. He consistently refused to do anything which might ruffle or
48274 offend the criminal classes.
48275 His handling officer, Rick Grim, had to admit: "He just won't go up
48276 and bite them. I got sick and tired of doing that dog's work for him."
48277 The British contenders in this category, however, took things a
48278 stage further. "Laddie" and "Boy" were trained as detector dogs for drug
48279 raids. Their employment was terminated following a raid in the Midlands in
48281 While the investigating officer questioned two suspects, they
48282 patted and stroked the dogs who eventually fell asleep in front of the
48283 fire. When the officer moved to arrest the suspects, one dog growled at
48284 him while the other leapt up and bit his thigh.
48285 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
48287 The less a statesman amounts to, the more he loves the flag.
48290 The less time planning, the more time programming.
48292 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #14 -- VALGOL
48294 From its modest beginnings in Southern California's San Fernando
48295 Valley VALGOL is enjoying a dramatic surge of popularity across the
48296 industry. VALGOL commands include REALLY, LIKE, WELL, and Y*KNOW.
48297 Variables are assigned with the =LIKE and =TOTALLY operators. Other
48298 operators include the "California booleans", AX and NOWAY. Loops are
48299 accomplished with the FOR SURE construct. A simple example:
48301 LIKE, Y*KNOW(I MEAN)START
48302 IF PIZZA =LIKE BITCHEN AND
48303 GUY =LIKE TUBULAR AND
48304 VALLEY GIRL =LIKE GRODY**MAX(FERSURE)**2
48306 FOR I =LIKE 1 TO OH*MAYBE 100
48307 DO*WAH - (DITTY**2); BARF(I)=TOTALLY GROSS(OUT)
48309 LIKE, BAG THIS PROGRAM; REALLY; LIKE TOTALLY(Y*KNOW); IM*SURE
48312 VALGOL is also characterized by its unfriendly error messages. For
48313 example, when the user makes a syntax error, the interpreter displays the
48314 message GAG ME WITH A SPOON! A successful compile may be termed MAXIMALLY
48317 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #17 -- DOGO
48319 Developed at the Massachusetts Institute of Obedience Training, DOGO
48320 DOGO heralds a new era of computer-literate pets. DOGO commands include
48321 SIT, STAY, HEEL, and ROLL OVER. An innovative feature of DOGO is "puppy
48322 graphics", a small cocker spaniel that occasionally leaves a deposit as
48323 it travels across the screen.
48325 The liberals can understand everything but people who don't understand them.
48328 The life which is unexamined is not worth living.
48331 The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlight of an approaching
48334 The light at the end of the tunnel may be an oncoming dragon.
48336 The light of a hundred stars does not equal the light of the moon.
48338 The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get
48342 The little girl expects no declaration of tenderness from her doll.
48343 She loves it -- and that's all. It is thus that we should love.
48346 The little pieces of my life I give to you,
48347 with love, to make a quilt to keep away the cold.
48349 The little town that time forgot,
48350 Where all the women are strong,
48351 The men are good-looking,
48352 And the children above-average.
48353 -- Prairie Home Companion
48355 The local minister noticed a little girl standing outside of his
48356 door with a basket of kittens.
48357 "Hello, little girl, what do you have there?"
48358 "These are my Democratic kittens," she replied.
48359 Amused, the pastor said nothing. Two weeks later he saw the same little
48360 girl with (apparently) the same basket of kittens.
48361 "My, I see you still have your Democratic kittens.", he said.
48362 "No, you see, these are Republican kittens," she answered.
48363 "Two weeks ago they were Democratic kittens," he replied, puzzled.
48364 "Two weeks ago they had their eyes closed."
48366 The `loner' may be respected, but he is always resented by his colleagues,
48367 for he seems to be passing a critical judgment on them, when he may be
48368 simply making a limiting statement about himself.
48371 The longer I am out of office, the more infallible I appear to myself.
48374 The longer the title, the less important the job.
48376 The longest part of the journey is said to be the passing of the gate.
48377 -- Marcus Terentius Varro
48379 "The Lord gave us farmers two strong hands so we could grab as much as
48380 we could with both of them."
48381 -- Joseph Heller, "Catch-22"
48383 The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away.
48384 Indian Giver be the name of the Lord.
48386 The Lord prefers common-looking people. That is the reason that He makes
48390 The louder he talked of his honour, the faster we counted our spoons.
48391 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
48393 The lovely woman-child Kaa was mercilessly chained to the cruel post of
48394 the warrior-chief Beast, with his barbarian tribe now stacking wood at
48395 her nubile feet, when the strong clear voice of the poetic and heroic
48396 Handsomas roared, "Flick your Bic, crisp that chick, and you'll feel my
48397 steel through your last meal!"
48398 -- Winning sentence, 1984 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest
48400 The luck that is ordained for you will be coveted by others.
48402 The lunatic, the lover, and the poet,
48403 Are of imagination all compact...
48404 -- William Shakespeare, "A Midsummer Night's Dream"
48406 The Macintosh is Xerox technology at its best.
48408 The magic of our first love is our ignorance that it can ever end.
48409 -- Benjamin Disraeli
48411 The main problem I have with cats is, they're not dogs.
48414 The major advances in civilization are processes
48415 that all but wreck the societies in which they occur.
48418 The major difference between bonds and bond traders is that the
48419 bonds will eventually mature.
48421 The major sin is the sin of being born.
48424 The majority of husbands remind me of an orangutan trying to play
48426 -- Honore de Balzac
48428 The majority of the stupid is invincible and guaranteed for all time.
48429 The terror of their tyranny, however, is alleviated by their lack of
48433 The makers may make
48434 and the users may use,
48435 but the fixers must fix
48436 with but minimal clues
48438 The man she had was kind and clean
48439 And well enough for every day,
48440 But oh, dear friends, you should have seen
48441 The one that got away.
48442 -- Dorothy Parker, "The Fisherwoman"
48444 The Man Who Almost Invented The Vacuum Cleaner
48445 The man officially credited with inventing the vacuum cleaner is
48446 Hubert Cecil Booth. However, he got the idea from a man who almost
48448 In 1901 Booth visited a London music-hall. On the bill was an
48449 American inventor with his wonder machine for removing dust from carpets.
48450 The machine comprised a box about one foot square with a bag on top.
48451 After watching the act -- which made everyone in the front six rows sneeze
48452 -- Booth went round to the inventor's dressing room.
48453 "It should suck not blow," said Booth, coming straight to the
48454 point. "Suck?", exclaimed the enraged inventor. "Your machine just moves
48455 the dust around the room," Booth informed him. "Suck? Suck? Sucking is
48456 not possible," was the inventor's reply and he stormed out. Booth proved
48457 that it was by the simple expedient of kneeling down, pursing his lips and
48458 sucking the back of an armchair. "I almost choked," he said afterwards.
48459 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
48461 The man who follows the crowd will usually get no further than the
48462 crowd. The man who walks alone is likely to find himself in places no
48464 -- Alan Ashley-Pitt
48466 The man who has never been flogged has never been taught.
48469 The man who laughs has not yet been told the terrible news.
48472 The man who raises a fist has run out of ideas.
48473 -- H. G. Wells, "Time After Time"
48475 The man who runs may fight again.
48478 The man who sees, on New Year's day, Mount
48479 Fuji, a hawk, and an eggplant is forever blessed.
48480 -- Old Japanese proverb
48482 The man who sets out to carry a cat by its tail learns something that
48483 will always be useful and which never will grow dim or doubtful.
48486 The man who understands one woman is
48487 qualified to understand pretty well everything.
48490 The man with the best job in the country is the Vice President. All he has
48491 to do is get up every morning and say, "How's the President?"
48494 The vice-presidency ain't worth a pitcher of warm spit.
48495 -- Vice President John Nance Garner
48498 The few, the proud, the dead on the beach.
48501 The few, the proud, the not very bright.
48503 The mark of a good party is that you wake up the next morning
48504 wanting to change your name and start a new life in different city.
48505 -- Vance Bourjaily, "Esquire"
48507 The mark of the immature man is that he wants to die nobly for a cause,
48508 while the mark of a mature man is that he wants to live humbly for one.
48511 The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice
48512 and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the
48513 master calls a butterfly.
48514 -- Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul
48516 The marriage of Marxism and feminism has been like the marriage of
48517 husband and wife depicted in English common law: Marxism and feminism
48518 are one, and that one is Marxism.
48520 "The Unhappy Marriage of Marxism and Feminism"
48522 The Martian Canals were clearly the Martian's last ditch effort!
48524 The marvels of today's modern technology include the development of a
48525 soda can, when discarded will last forever ... and a $7,000 car which
48526 when properly cared for will rust out in two or three years.
48528 The mate for beauty should be a man and not a money chest.
48531 The mature Bohemian is one whose woman works full time.
48533 The means-and-ends moralists, or non-doers,
48534 always end up on their ends without any means.
48537 The meat is rotten, but the booze is holding out.
48538 Computer translation of "The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak."
48540 The meek don't want it.
48542 The meek inherit the earth -- usually in small sections... about 6 by 3.
48544 The meek shall inherit the earth -- they are too weak to refuse.
48546 The meek shall inherit the earth; but by that
48547 time there won't be anything left worth inheriting.
48549 The meek shall inherit the earth, but *not* its mineral rights.
48552 The meek shall inherit the earth; the rest of us, the Universe.
48554 The meek shall inherit the earth; the rest of us will go to the stars.
48556 The meek shall inherit the Earth.
48557 (But they're gonna have to fight for it.)
48559 The meek will inherit the earth -- if that's OK with you.
48561 The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two
48562 chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed.
48565 [The members of the Chamberlain government] are decided only to be
48566 undecided, resolved to be irresolute, adamant for drift, all-powerful
48568 -- Winston Churchill
48570 The meta-Turing test counts a thing as intelligent if it seeks to
48571 devise and apply Turing tests to objects of its own creation.
48574 The minute a man is convinced that he is interesting, he isn't.
48576 The mirror sees the man as beautiful, the mirror loves the man; another
48577 mirror sees the man as frightful and hates him; and it is always the same
48578 being who produces the impressions.
48579 -- Marquis D. A. F. de Sade
48581 The misnaming of fields of study is so common as to lead to what might
48582 be general systems laws. For example, Frank Harary once suggested the
48583 law that any field that had the word "science" in its name was
48584 guaranteed thereby not to be a science. He would cite as examples
48585 Military Science, Library Science, Political Science, Homemaking
48586 Science, Social Science, and Computer Science. Discuss the generality
48587 of this law, and possible reasons for its predictive power.
48588 -- Gerald Weinberg, "An Introduction to General Systems
48591 The Modelski Chain Rule:
48592 1: Look intently at the problem for several minutes. Scratch your
48593 head at 20-30 second intervals. Try solving the problem on your
48595 2: Failing this, look around at the class. Select a particularly
48596 bright-looking individual.
48597 3: Procure a large chain.
48598 4: Walk over to the selected student and threaten to beat him severely
48599 with the chain unless he gives you the answer to the problem.
48600 Generally, he will. It may also be a good idea to give him a sound
48601 thrashing anyway, just to show you mean business.
48603 The modern child will answer you back before you've said anything.
48604 -- Laurence J. Peter
48606 "The molars, I'm sure, will be all right, the molars can take care of
48607 themselves," the old man said, no longer to me. "But what will become
48609 -- The Old Man and his Bridge
48611 The mome rath isn't born that could outgrabe me.
48612 -- Nicol Williamson
48614 The moon is a planet just like the Earth, only it is even deader.
48616 The moon is made of green cheese.
48619 The moon may be smaller than Earth, but it's further away.
48621 The Moral Majority is neither.
48623 The more complex the mind, the greater
48624 the need for the simplicity of play.
48625 -- Captain James T. Kirk, "Shore Leave"
48627 The more control, the more that requires control.
48629 The more cordial the buyers secretary, the greater
48630 the odds that the competition already has the order.
48632 The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
48634 The more data I punch in this card, the lighter it becomes, and the
48635 lower the mailing cost.
48636 -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
48638 The more he talked of his honor the faster we counted our spoons.
48639 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
48641 The more I know men the more I like my horse.
48643 The more I see of men the more I admire dogs.
48644 -- Mme De Sevigne (1626-1696)
48646 The more I want to get something done, the less I call it work.
48647 -- Richard Bach, "Illusions"
48649 The more laws and order are made prominent,
48650 the more thieves and robbers there will be.
48653 The more pretentious a corporate name, the smaller the organization. (For
48654 instance, The Murphy Center for Codification of Human and Organizational Law,
48655 contrasted to IBM, GM, AT&T ...)
48657 The more the merrier.
48660 The more they over-think the plumbing
48661 the easier it is to stop up the drain.
48663 The more things change, the more they remain the same.
48666 The more things change, the more they stay insane.
48668 The more things change, the more they'll never be the same again.
48670 The more we disagree, the more chance there is that at least one of us
48673 The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
48675 The more you sweat in peace, the less you bleed in war.
48677 The Moscow Evening News advertised a contest for the best political joke.
48678 First prize was ten years in prison; second prize, five years; third prize,
48679 three years; and there were six honorable mentions of one year each.
48681 The mosquito exists to keep the mighty humble.
48683 The mosquito is the state bird of New Jersey.
48686 The moss on the tree does not fear the talons of the hawk.
48688 The most advantageous, pre-eminent thing thou canst do is not to
48689 exhibit nor display thyself within the limits of our galaxy, but
48690 rather depart instantaneously whence thou even now standest and
48691 flee to yet another rotten planet in the universe, if thou canst
48692 have the good fortune to find one.
48695 The most common given name in the world is Mohammad; the most common
48696 family name in the world is Chang. Can you imagine the enormous number
48697 of people in the world named Mohammad Chang?
48700 The most costly of all follies is to believe passionately
48701 in the palpably not true. It is the chief occupation of mankind.
48704 The most dangerous food is wedding cake.
48705 -- American proverb
48707 The most dangerous organization in America today is:
48710 b) The American Nazi Party
48711 c) The Delta Frequent Flyer Club
48713 The most delightful day after the one on which you buy a cottage in
48714 the country is the one on which you resell it.
48717 The most difficult thing about surviving AIDS
48718 is trying to convince your parents that you're Haitian.
48720 The most difficult thing in the world is to know how to do a thing and
48721 to watch someone else do it wrong without comment.
48722 -- Theodore H. White
48724 The most difficult years of marriage are those following the wedding.
48726 The most disagreeable thing that your worst enemy says to your face does
48727 not approach what your best friends say behind your back.
48728 -- Alfred De Musset
48730 The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new
48731 discoveries, is not "Eureka!" (I found it!) but "That's funny ..."
48734 The most exquisite peak in culinary art is conquered when you do right by a
48735 ham, for a ham, in the very nature of the process it has undergone since last
48736 it walked on its own feet, combines in its flavor the tang of smoky autumnal
48737 woods, the maternal softness of earthy fields delivered of their crop children,
48738 the wineyness of a late sun, the intimate kiss of fertilizing rain, and the
48739 bite of fire. You must slice it thin, almost as thin as this page you hold
48740 in your hands. The making of a ham dinner, like the making of a gentleman,
48741 starts a long, long time before the event.
48742 -- W. B. Courtney, "Reflections of Maryland Country Ham",
48743 from "Congress Eate It Up"
48745 ...the most exquisitely squalid hells known to middle-class man:
48746 freshman English at a Midwestern university.
48749 The most happy marriage I can imagine to myself would be the union
48750 of a deaf man to a blind woman.
48751 -- Samuel T. Coleridge
48753 The most hopelessly stupid man is he who is not aware that he is wise.
48755 The most important early product on the way
48756 to developing a good product is an imperfect version.
48758 The most important service rendered by the press is that of educating
48759 people to approach printed matter with distrust.
48761 The most important thing in a relationship between a man and a woman
48762 is that one of them be good at taking orders.
48765 The most important things, each person must do for himself.
48767 The most popular labor-saving device today is still a husband with money.
48768 -- Joey Adams, "Cindy and I"
48770 The most recent attempt to revive the moribund campus left, a national
48771 conference held at Rutgers University February 5-7, ended when the
48772 participants decided that they were too racist to found a new national
48774 The stated goal of the conference was the formation of a national
48775 organization that would "give expression to a shared consciousness." The
48776 orientation materials declared that this was "a historic moment" -- you
48777 know, like Port Huron and the Sixties -- and the Rutgers host committee had
48778 every reason to expect their goal would be accomplished.
48779 But it was not to be. Given that this was a conference of *New*
48780 New Leftists, reason had nothing to do with it.
48781 A revealing article by Vania del Borgo and Maria Margaronis in "The
48782 Nation", ["Beyond the Fragments," 3/26/88] says "The defining moment of the
48783 weekend came when the conference was almost at its end. On Sunday morning,
48784 a twenty-five-member students of color caucus confronted the assembled body
48785 with its overwhelming whiteness..." Joined by the Gay & Bisexual Caucus, the
48786 Students of Color Caucus declared that the founding of such an overwhelmingly
48787 white organization would itself constitute a racist act. The four hundred or
48788 so leftist activists were told that they had no right to ratify a constitution
48789 or elect any officers. While recognizing "the need to examine the real
48790 possibilities of a broad-based, racially diverse student movement" and paying
48791 lip service to the need for "dialogue," they threatened to walk out if their
48792 demands were not met. As *The Nation* article describes the scene: "To their
48793 astonishment, their intervention was greeted with a standing ovation." Handed
48794 an ultimatum which demanded that they disband, this would-be successor to the
48795 radical student movements of the Sixties promptly voted itself out of
48796 existence. As del Borgo and Margaronis put it, "After much chaotic discussion
48797 and a confused voice vote, the convention suspended all its other work and
48798 broke into regional groups to discuss `outreach.'"
48799 -- Libertarian Agenda, May 1988
48801 The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she
48802 served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never
48806 The most serious doubt that has been thrown on the authenticity of the
48807 biblical miracles is the fact that most of the witnesses in regard to
48808 them were fishermen.
48811 The Most Unsuccessful Version Of The Bible
48812 The most exciting version of the Bible was printed in 1631 by Robert
48813 Barker and Martin Lucas, the King's printers at London. It contained
48814 several mistakes, but one was inspired -- the word "not" was omitted from
48815 the Seventh Commandment and enjoined its readers, on the highest authority,
48816 to commit adultery.
48817 Fearing the popularity with which this might be received in remote
48818 country districts, King Charles I called all 1,000 copies back in and fined
48819 the printers L3,000.
48820 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
48822 The most winning woman I ever knew was hanged for poisoning three little
48823 children for their insurance money.
48826 The moving cursor writes, and having written, blinks on.
48828 The Moving Finger writes; and, having writ,
48829 Moves on: nor all they Piety nor Wit
48830 Shall lure it back to cancel half a Line,
48831 Nor all thy Tears wash out a Word of it.
48833 The myth of romantic love holds that once you've fallen in love with the
48834 perfect partner, you're home free. Unfortunately, falling out of love
48835 seems to be just as involuntary as falling into it.
48837 The naked truth of it is, I have no shirt.
48838 -- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost"
48840 The nation that controls magnetism controls the universe.
48841 -- Chester Gould/Dick Tracy
48843 The National Association of Theater Concessionaires reported that in
48844 1986, 60% of all candy sold in movie theaters was sold to Roger Ebert.
48847 The National Short-Sleeved Shirt Association says:
48848 Support your right to bare arms!
48850 The nearer to the church, the further from God.
48853 The net is like a vast sea of lutefisk with tiny dinosaur brains embedded
48854 in it here and there. Any given spoonful will likely have an IQ of 1, but
48855 occasional spoonfuls may have an IQ more than six times that!
48856 -- James "Kibo" Parry
48858 The net of law is spread so wide,
48859 No sinner from its sweep may hide.
48860 Its meshes are so fine and strong,
48861 They take in every child of wrong.
48862 O wondrous web of mystery!
48863 Big fish alone escape from thee!
48864 -- James Jeffrey Roche
48866 The new Congressmen say they're going to turn the government around. I
48867 hope I don't get run over again.
48869 The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10
48870 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.
48873 A javelin team that elects to receive.
48875 The New Testament offers the basis for modern computer coding theory,
48876 in the form of an affirmation of the binary number system.
48878 But let your communication be Yea, yea; nay, nay: for
48879 whatsoever is more than these cometh of evil.
48882 The New York Times is read by the people who run the country. The
48883 Washington Post is read by the people who think they run the country.
48884 The National Enquirer is read by the people who think Elvis is alive
48885 and running the country ...
48886 -- Robert J. Woodhead
48888 The next person to mention spaghetti stacks
48889 to me is going to have his head knocked off.
48892 The next thing I say to you will be true.
48893 The last thing I said was false.
48895 The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people.
48896 -- Lucille S. Harper
48898 The nice thing about standards is that there are so many of them to
48900 -- Andrew S. Tanenbaum
48902 The nicest thing about the Alto is that it doesn't run faster at night.
48904 The night passes quickly when you're asleep
48905 But I'm out shufflin' for something to eat
48907 Breakfast at the Egg House,
48908 Like the waffle on the griddle,
48909 I'm burnt around the edges,
48910 But I'm tender in the middle.
48913 The notes blatted skyward as the rose over the Canada geese, feathered
48914 rumps mooning the day, webbed appendages frantically pedaling unseen
48915 bicycles in their search for sustenance, driven by cruel Nature's maxim,
48916 'Ya wanna eat, ya gotta work,' and at last I knew Pittsburgh.
48917 -- Winning sentence, 1987 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest
48919 The notion of a "record" is an obsolete remnant of the days of the
48921 -- Dennis M. Ritchie
48923 The notion that the church, the press, and the universities should
48924 serve the state is essentially a Communist notion ... In a free society
48925 these institutions must be wholly free -- which is to say that their
48926 function is to serve as checks upon the state.
48929 The number of arguments is unimportant unless some of them are
48933 The number of computer scientists in a room is inversely
48934 proportional to the number of bugs in their code.
48936 The number of feet in a yard is directly proportional to the success
48939 The number of licorice gumballs you get out of a gumball machine
48940 increases in direct proportion to how much you hate licorice.
48942 The number of UNIX installations has grown to 10, with more expected.
48943 -- The Unix Programmer's Manual, 2nd Edition, June 1972
48945 The NY Times is read by the people who run the country. The Washington Post
48946 is read by the people who think they run the country. The National Enquirer
48947 is read by the people who think Elvis is alive and running the country.
48950 The objective of all dedicated employees should be to thoroughly
48951 analyze all situations, anticipate all problems prior to their
48952 occurrence, have answers for these problems, and move swiftly to solve
48953 these problems when called upon.
48955 However, when you are up to your ass in alligators it is difficult to
48956 remind yourself your initial objective was to drain the swamp.
48958 The odds are a million to one against your being one in a million.
48960 The Official Colorado State Vegetable is now the "state legislator".
48962 The Official MBA Handbook on business cards:
48963 Avoid overly pretentious job titles such as "Lord of the Realm,
48964 Defender of the Faith, Emperor of India" or "Director of Corporate
48967 The Official MBA Handbook on doing company business on an airplane:
48969 Do not work openly on top-secret company cost documents unless
48970 you have previously ascertained that the passenger next to you
48971 is blind, a rock musician on mood-ameliorating drugs, or the
48972 unfortunate possessor of a forty-seventh chromosome.
48974 The Official MBA Handbook on the use of sunlamps:
48976 Use a sunlamp only on weekends. That way, if the office wise guy
48977 remarks on the sudden appearance of your tan, you can fabricate
48978 some story about a sun-stroked weekend at some island Shangri-La
48979 like Caneel Bay. Nothing is more transparent than leaving the
48980 office at 11:45 on a Tuesday night, only to return an Aztec sun
48981 god at 8:15 the next morning.
48983 The old complaint that mass culture is designed for eleven-year-olds
48984 is of course a shameful canard. The key age has traditionally been
48985 more like fourteen.
48986 -- Robert Christgau, "Esquire"
48988 The old man had lived all his life in a little house on the Vermont side of the
48989 New Hampshire-Vermont border. One day, the surveyors came to inform him that
48990 they had just discovered that he lived in New Hampshire, not Vermont.
48991 "Thank heavens!" was his heartfelt reply. "I don't think I could have
48992 taken another one of those damned Vermont winters!"
48994 THE OLD POOL SHOOTER had won many a game in his life. But now it was time
48995 to hang up the cue. When he did, all the other cues came crashing go the
48998 "Sorry," he said with a smile.
48999 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican", 1988.
49001 The older a man gets, the farther he had to walk to school as a boy.
49003 The older I grow, the less important the comma becomes. Let the reader
49004 catch his own breath.
49005 -- Elizabeth Clarkson Zwart
49007 The older I grow the more I distrust the familiar doctrine that age
49011 The one charm of marriage is that it makes a life of deception a necessity.
49014 The one day you'd sell your soul for something, souls are a glut.
49016 The one good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when
49019 The one L lama, he's a priest
49020 The two L llama, he's a beast
49021 And I will bet my silk pyjama
49022 There isn't any three L lllama.
49023 -- Ogden Nash, to which a fire chief replied that occasionally
49024 his department responded to something like a "three L lllama."
49026 The One Page Principle:
49027 A specification that will not fit on one page of 8.5x11 inch paper
49028 cannot be understood.
49031 The one sure way to make a lazy man look
49032 respectable is to put a fishing rod in his hand.
49034 The only alliance I would make with the Women's Liberation Movement is in bed.
49037 The only certainty is that nothing is certain.
49040 The only constant is change.
49042 The only cultural advantage LA has over NY is that you can make a
49043 right turn on a red light.
49046 The only difference between a car salesman and a computer salesman is
49047 that the car salesman knows he's lying.
49049 The only difference between a rut and a grave is their dimensions.
49051 The only difference between the saint and the sinner is that
49052 every saint has a past and every sinner has a future.
49055 The only difference in the game of love over the last few
49056 thousand years is that they've changed trumps from clubs to diamonds.
49057 -- The Indianapolis Star
49059 The only function of economic forecasting is to make astrology look
49061 -- John Kenneth Galbraith
49063 The only happiness lies in reason; all the rest of the world is dismal.
49064 The highest reason, however, I see in the work of the artist, and he may
49065 experience it as such. Happiness lies in the swiftness of feeling and
49066 thinking: all the rest of the world is slow, gradual and stupid. Whoever
49067 could feel the course of a light ray would be very happy, for it is very
49068 swift. Thinking of oneself gives little happiness. If, however, one feels
49069 much happiness in this, it is because at bottom one is not thinking of
49070 oneself but of one's ideal. This is far, and only the swift shall reach
49071 it and are delighted.
49072 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
49074 The only "ism" Hollywood believes in is plagiarism.
49077 The only justification for our concepts and systems of concepts is
49078 that they serve to represent the complex of our experiences;
49079 beyond this they have no legitimacy.
49082 The only one of your children who does not grow up and move away
49085 The only people for me are the mad ones -- the ones who are mad to live,
49086 mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time,
49087 the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn
49088 like fabulous yellow Roman candles.
49089 -- Jack Kerouac, "On the Road"
49091 The only people who make love all the time are liars.
49094 The only perfect science is hind-sight.
49096 The only person who always got his work done by Friday was Robinson Crusoe.
49098 The only possible interpretation of any research whatever in the
49099 "social sciences" is: some do, some don't.
49100 -- Ernest Rutherford
49102 The only problem with being a man of leisure is that you can never stop
49105 The only problem with seeing too much is that it makes you insane.
49108 The only promotion rules I can think of are that a sense of shame is to
49109 be avoided at all costs and there is never any reason for a hustler to
49110 be less cunning than more virtuous men. Oh yes ... whenever you think
49111 you've got something really great, add ten per cent more.
49114 The only qualities for real success in journalism are ratlike cunning, a
49115 plausible manner and a little literary ability. The capacity to steal
49116 other people's ideas and phrases ... is also invaluable.
49117 -- Nicolas Tomalin, "Stop the Press, I Want to Get On"
49119 The only real advantage to punk music is that nobody can whistle it.
49121 The only real argument for marriage is that it remains the best method
49122 for getting acquainted.
49125 The only real way to look younger is not to be born so soon.
49126 -- Charles Schulz, "Things I've Had to Learn Over and
49129 The only really decent thing to do behind a person's back is pat it.
49131 The only really good place to buy lumber is at a store where the lumber
49132 has already been cut and attached together in the form of furniture,
49133 finished, and put inside boxes.
49134 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
49136 The only really masterful noise a man makes in a house is the noise
49137 of his key, when he is still on the landing, fumbling for the lock.
49140 The only reward of virtue is virtue.
49141 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
49143 The only rose without thorns is friendship.
49145 The only thing better than love is milk.
49147 The only thing cheaper than hardware is talk.
49149 The only thing that experience teaches us is that experience teaches
49151 -- Andre Maurois (Emile Herzog)
49153 The only thing that stops God from sending a second Flood is that
49154 the first one was useless.
49155 -- Nicolas Chamfort
49157 The only thing to do with good advice is pass it on. It is never any
49161 The only thing we learn from history is that we do not learn.
49164 That men do not learn very much from history is the most important of all
49165 the lessons that history has to teach.
49168 We learn from history that we do not learn from history.
49169 -- Georg Wilhelm Friedrich Hegel
49171 HISTORY: Papa Hegel he say that all we learn from history is that we learn
49172 nothing from history. I know people who can't even learn from what happened
49173 this morning. Hegel must have been taking the long view.
49174 -- Chad C. Mulligan, "The Hipcrime Vocab"
49176 The only thing we learn from history is that we learn nothing from
49178 -- Georg Wilhelm Friedrich Hegel
49180 I know guys can't learn from yesterday ... Hegel must be taking the
49182 -- John Brunner, "Stand on Zanzibar"
49184 The only thing which separates man from child is all the values
49185 he has lost over the years.
49186 -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967)
49188 The only time a dog gets complimented is when he doesn't do anything.
49191 The only two things that motivate me and that matter to me are revenge
49195 The only way to amuse some people
49196 is to slip and fall on an icy pavement.
49198 The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.
49201 The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want,
49202 drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not.
49205 The only winner in the War of 1812 was Tchaikovsky.
49208 The onset and the waning of love make themselves felt
49209 in the uneasiness experienced at being alone together.
49210 -- Jean de la Bruyere
49212 The opossum is a very sophisticated animal. It doesn't even get up
49215 The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. But the opposite
49216 of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.
49219 The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.
49222 The opposite of talking isn't listening. The opposite of talking is
49224 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"
49226 The optimist thinks that this is the best of all possible worlds,
49227 and the pessimist knows it.
49228 -- J. Robert Oppenheimer, "Bulletin of Atomic Scientists"
49230 Yet creeds mean very little, Coth answered the dark god, still speaking
49231 almost gently. The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all
49232 possible worlds; and the pessimist fears this is true.
49233 -- James Cabell, "The Silver Stallion"
49235 The optimum committee has no members.
49236 -- Norman Augustine
49238 The opulence of the front office door varies
49239 inversely with the fundamental solvency of the firm.
49241 The orders come down and they march us away.
49242 There's a battle outside and we join in the fray.
49243 God, it's hell when you know this could be your last day,
49244 But it's better than working for Xerox.
49245 -- Frank Hayes, "Don't Ask"
49247 "The other day I put instant coffee in my microwave oven ... I almost
49248 went back in time."
49251 The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me.
49254 The other line moves faster.
49256 The owner of a large furniture store in the mid-west arrived in France on
49257 a buying trip. As he was checking into a hotel he struck up an acquaintance
49258 with a beautiful young lady. However, she only spoke French and he only spoke
49259 English, so each couldn't understand a word the other spoke. He took out a
49260 pencil and a notebook and drew a picture of a coach. She smiled, nodded her
49261 head and they went for a ride in the park. Later, he drew a picture of a
49262 table in a restaurant with a question mark and she nodded, so they went to
49263 dinner. After dinner he sketched two dancers and she was delighted. They
49264 went to several nightclubs, drank champagne, danced and had a glorious
49265 evening. It had gotten quite late when she motioned for the pencil and drew
49266 a picture of a four-poster bed. He was dumbfounded, and to this day has
49267 never been able to understand how she knew he was in the furniture business.
49269 The part of the world that people find most puzzling is the part called "Me".
49271 The party adjourned to a hot tub, yes. Fully clothed, I might add.
49272 -- IBM employee, testifying in California State Supreme Court
49274 The passionate young thing was having a difficult time getting across what
49275 she wanted from her rather dense boyfriend. Finally she asked,
49276 "Would you like to see where I was operated on for appendicitis?"
49277 "Gosh, no!" he replied. "I hate hospitals."
49279 The past always looks better than it was. It's only pleasant because
49281 -- Finley Peter Dunne (Mr. Dooley)
49283 The penalty for laughing in a courtroom is six months in jail; if it
49284 were not for this penalty, the jury would never hear the evidence.
49287 The people sensible enough to give
49288 good advice are usually sensible enough to give none.
49290 The perfect friend sees the best in you -- sees it constantly --
49291 not just when you occasionally are that way, but also when you
49292 waver, when you forget yourself, act like less than you are.
49293 In time, you become more like his vision of you -- which is the
49294 person you have always wanted to be.
49297 The perfect lover is one who turns into a pizza at 4:00 A.M.
49300 The perfect man is the true partner. Not a bed partner nor a fun partner,
49301 but a man who will shoulder burdens equally with [you] and possess that
49305 The person who can smile when something
49306 goes wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.
49308 The person who makes no mistakes does not usually make anything.
49310 The person who marries for money usually earns every penny of it.
49312 The person who's taking you to lunch has no intention of paying.
49314 The person you rejected yesterday could make you happy, if you say yes.
49316 The personal computer market is about the same size as the total potato chip
49317 market. Next year it will be about half the size of the pet food market and
49318 is fast approaching the total worldwide sales of pantyhose"
49319 -- James Finke, Commodore Int'l Ltd., 1982
49321 The perversity of nature is nowhere better demonstrated by the fact that,
49322 when exposed to the same atmosphere, bread becomes hard while crackers
49325 The philosopher's treatment of a question
49326 is like the treatment of an illness.
49329 The Phone Booth Rule:
49330 A lone dime always gets the number nearly right.
49332 The Pig, if I am not mistaken,
49333 Gives us ham and pork and Bacon.
49334 Let others think his heart is big,
49335 I think it stupid of the Pig.
49338 The pitcher wound up and he flang the ball at the batter. The batter
49339 swang and missed. The pitcher flang the ball again and this time the
49340 batter connected. He hit a high fly right to the center fielder. The
49341 center fielder was all set to catch the ball, but at the last minute
49342 his eyes were blound by the sun and he dropped it.
49345 The plot was designed in a light vein that somehow became varicose.
49348 The plural of spouse is spice.
49350 The Poems, all three hundred of them,
49351 may be summed up in one of their phrases:
49352 "Let our thoughts be correct".
49355 The Poet Whose Badness Saved His Life
49356 The most important poet in the seventeenth century was George
49357 Wither. Alexander Pope called him "wretched Wither" and Dryden said of his
49358 verse that "if they rhymed and rattled all was well".
49359 In our own time, "The Dictionary of National Biography" notes that his
49360 work "is mainly remarkable for its mass, fluidity and flatness. It usually
49361 lacks any genuine literary quality and often sinks into imbecile doggerel".
49362 High praise, indeed, and it may tempt you to savour a typically
49363 rewarding stanza: It is taken from "I loved a lass" and is concerned with
49364 the higher emotions.
49365 She would me "Honey" call,
49366 She'd -- O she'd kiss me too.
49367 But now alas! She's left me
49369 Among other details of his mistress which he chose to immortalize
49370 was her prudent choice of footwear.
49371 The fives did fit her shoe.
49372 In 1639 the great poet's life was endangered after his capture by
49373 the Royalists during the English Civil War. When Sir John Denham, the
49374 Royalist poet, heard of Wither's imminent execution, he went to the King and
49375 begged that his life be spared. When asked his reason, Sir John replied,
49376 "Because that so long as Wither lived, Denham would not be accounted the
49377 worst poet in England."
49378 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
49380 The poetry of heroism appeals irresistibly to those who don't go to a war,
49381 and even more so to those whom the war is making enormously wealthy."
49384 The point is, you see, that there is no point in driving yourself mad
49385 trying to stop yourself going mad. You might just as well give in and
49386 save your sanity for later.
49388 The polite thing to do has always been to address people as they wish
49389 to be addressed, to treat them in a way they think dignified. But it
49390 is equally important to accept and tolerate different standards of
49391 courtesy, not expecting everyone else to adapt to one's own
49392 preferences. Only then can we hope to restore the insult to its proper
49393 social function of expressing true distaste.
49394 -- Judith Martin, "Miss Manners' Guide to
49395 Excruciatingly Correct Behavior"
49397 The politician is someone who deals in man's problems of adjustment.
49398 To ask a politician to lead us is to ask the tail of a dog to lead the dog.
49399 -- Buckminster Fuller
49401 The pollution's at that awkward stage.
49402 Too thick to navigate and too thin to cultivate.
49405 The porcupine with the sharpest quills gets stuck on a tree more often.
49407 The possession of a book becomes a substitute for reading it.
49410 The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor
49411 prohibited by it to the States, are reserved to the States respectively,
49413 -- U.S. Constitution, Amendment 10. (Bill of Rights)
49415 The Preacher, the Politician, the Teacher,
49416 Were each of them once a kiddie.
49417 A child, indeed, is a wonderful creature.
49418 Do I want one? God Forbiddie!
49421 The President publicly apologized today to all those offended by his
49422 brother's remark, "There's more Arabs in this country than there is
49423 Jews!". Those offended include Arabs, Jews, and English teachers.
49424 -- Baltimore, Channel 11 News, on Jimmy Carter
49426 The prettiest women are almost always the most
49427 boring, and that is why some people feel there is no God.
49428 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
49430 The price of greatness is responsibility.
49432 The price of seeking to force our beliefs on others is that someday
49433 they might force their beliefs on us.
49436 The price of success in philosophy is triviality.
49439 The price one pays for pursuing any profession, or calling, is an intimate
49440 knowledge of its ugly side.
49443 The primary cause of failure in electrical appliances is an expired
49444 warranty. Often, you can get an appliance running again simply by
49445 changing the warranty expiration date with a 15/64-inch felt-tipped
49447 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
49449 The primary function of the design engineer is to make things
49450 difficult for the fabricator and impossible for the serviceman.
49452 The primary purpose of the DATA statement is to give names to
49453 constants; instead of referring to pi as 3.141592653589793 at every
49454 appearance, the variable PI can be given that value with a DATA
49455 statement and used instead of the longer form of the constant. This
49456 also simplifies modifying the program, should the value of pi change.
49457 -- FORTRAN manual for Xerox Computers
49459 The primary requisite for any new tax law is for it to exempt enough
49460 voters to win the next election.
49462 The primary theme of SoupCon is communication. The acronym "LEO"
49463 represents the secondary theme:
49465 Law Enforcement Officials
49467 The overall theme of SoupCon shall be:
49469 Avoiding Communication with Law Enforcement Officials
49472 The probability of someone watching you is directly
49473 proportional to the stupidity of your action.
49475 The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the
49476 stupidity of your action.
49478 The problem ... is that we have run out of dinosaurs to form oil with.
49479 Scientists working for the Department of Energy have tried to form oil
49480 using other animals; they've piled thousands of tons of sand and Middle
49481 Eastern countries on top of cows, raccoons, haddock, laboratory rats,
49482 etc., but so far all they have managed to do is run up an enormous
49483 bulldozer-rental bill and anger a lot of Middle Eastern persons. None
49484 of the animals turned into oil, although most of the laboratory rats
49486 -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler"
49488 The problem that we thought was a problem was, indeed,
49489 a problem, but not the problem we thought was the problem.
49492 The problem with any unwritten law is that you don't know where to go
49496 The problem with engineers is that they tend to cheat in order to get
49499 The problem with mathematicians is that they tend to work on toy
49500 problems in order to get results.
49502 The problem with program verifiers is that they tend to cheat at toy
49503 problems in order to get results.
49505 The problem with graduate students, in general, is that they have
49506 to sleep every few days.
49508 The problem with me is that I am fifty or one hundred years ahead of my
49509 time. My speed is very fast. Some ministers have had to drop out of my
49510 government because they could not keep up.
49513 The problem with most conspiracy theories is that they seem to believe that
49514 for a group of people to behave in a way detrimental to the common good
49517 The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be
49518 pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues.
49519 -- Elizabeth Taylor
49521 The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
49523 The problem with this country is that there is no death penalty
49526 The problems of business administration in general, and database management in
49527 particular are much too difficult for people that think in IBMese, compounded
49528 with sloppy English.
49529 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
49531 The profession of book writing makes horse racing seem like a solid,
49535 The program isn't debugged until the last user is dead.
49537 The programmers of old were mysterious and profound. We cannot fathom their
49538 thoughts, so all we do is describe their appearance.
49539 Aware, like a fox crossing the water. Alert, like a general on the
49540 battlefield. Kind, like a hostess greeting her guests. Simple, like uncarved
49541 blocks of wood. Opaque, like black pools in darkened caves.
49542 Who can tell the secrets of their hearts and minds?
49543 The answer exists only in the Tao.
49545 The proof of the pudding is in the eating.
49546 -- Miguel de Cervantes
49548 The proof that IBM didn't invent the car is that it has a steering wheel
49549 and an accelerator instead of spurs and ropes, to be compatible with a
49553 The propriety of some persons seems to consist in having improper
49554 thoughts about their neighbours.
49557 The Psblurtex is an 18-inch long anaconda that hides in the gentlemen's
49558 outfitting departments of Amazonian stores and is often bought by
49559 mistake since its colors are those of the London Reform Club. Once
49560 tied around its victim's neck, it strangles him gently and then claims
49561 the insurance before running off to Germany where it lives in hiding.
49562 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
49564 The public demands certainties; it must be told definitely and a bit
49565 raucously that this is true and that is false. But there are no
49567 -- H. L. Mencken, "Prejudice"
49569 The Public is merely a multiplied "me."
49572 The Puritan hated bear-baiting, not because it gave pain to the bear, but
49573 because it gave pleasure to the spectators.
49574 -- Thomas Macaulay, "History of England"
49576 The purpose of Physics 7A is to make the engineers realize that they're
49577 not perfect, and to make the rest of the people realize that they're not
49580 "The pyramid is opening!"
49582 "The one with the ever-widening hole in it!"
49583 -- The Firesign Theatre, "How Can You Be In Two Places
49584 At Once When You're Not Anywhere At All"
49586 The qotc (quote of the con) was Liz's:
49587 "My brain is paged out to my liver"
49589 The quality of a pun is in the "Oy!" of the beholder.
49591 The Queen is most anxious to enlist every one who can speak or write to
49592 join in checking this mad, wicked folly of "Woman's Rights", with all its
49593 attendant horrors, on which her poor feeble sex is bent, forgetting every
49594 sense of womanly feeling and propriety. Lady-- ought to get a good
49595 whipping. It is a subject which makes the Queen so furious that she cannot
49596 contain herself. God created men and women different -- then let them
49597 remain each in their own position.
49598 -- Letter to Sir Theodore Martin, 29 May 1870, from
49601 The question is, why are politicians so eager to be president? What is
49602 it about the job that makes it worth revealing, on national television,
49603 that you have the ethical standards of a slime-coated piece of
49605 -- Dave Barry, "On Presidential Politics"
49607 The questions remain the same.
49608 The answers are eternally variable.
49610 The Rabbits The Cow
49611 Here is a verse about rabbits The cow is of the bovine ilk;
49612 That doesn't mention their habits. One end is moo, the other, milk.
49615 The race is not always to the swift, nor the
49616 battle to the strong, but that's the way to bet.
49619 The rain it raineth on the just
49620 And also on the unjust fella,
49621 But chiefly on the just, because
49622 The unjust steals the just's umbrella.
49625 The Ranger isn't gonna like it, Yogi.
49627 The rate at which a disease spreads through a corn field is a precise
49628 measurement of the speed of blight.
49630 The ratio of literacy to illiteracy is a constant, but nowadays the
49631 illiterates can read.
49634 The reader this message encounters not failing to understand is
49637 The real man's Bloody Mary:
49638 Ingredients: vodka, tomato juice, Tabasco, Worcestershire
49639 sauce, A-1 steak sauce, ice, salt, pepper, celery.
49641 Fill a large tumbler with vodka.
49642 Throw all the other ingredients away.
49644 The real problem with hunting elephants carrying the decoys.
49646 The real purpose of books is to trap the mind into doing its own thinking.
49647 -- Christopher Morley
49649 The real reason large families benefit society is because at least
49650 a few of the children in the world shouldn't be raised by beginners.
49652 The real reason psychology is hard is that
49653 psychologists are trying to do the impossible.
49655 The real trouble with reality is that there's no background music.
49657 The reason computer chips are so small is computers don't eat much.
49659 The reason it's called "Grape Nuts" is that it contains "dextrose",
49660 which is also sometimes called "grape sugar", and also because "Grape
49661 Nuts" is catchier, in terms of marketing, than "A Cross Between Gerbil
49662 Food and Gravel", which is what it tastes like.
49663 -- Dave Barry, "Tips for Writer's"
49665 The reason people sweat is so they won't catch fire when making love.
49668 The reason that every major university maintains a department of
49669 mathematics is that it's cheaper than institutionalizing all those
49672 The reason they're called wisdom teeth
49673 is that the experience makes you wise.
49675 The reason we come up with new versions is not to fix bugs. It's
49679 The reason why worry kills more people
49680 than work is that more people worry than work.
49682 The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one
49683 persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all
49684 progress depends on the unreasonable man.
49685 -- George Bernard Shaw
49687 The reasons that each of these countries has had to renege on its
49688 financial commitments were all somewhat different: Argentina because of
49689 a war, Poland because of its vast misguided overinvestment in heavy
49690 industry, Honduras because the coffee price went sour, Zaire because
49691 nobody in the government there has a clue as to how to run a country.
49692 -- Paul Erdman's Money Book
49694 The relative importance of files depends on their cost
49695 in terms of the human effort needed to regenerate them.
49698 The requirements of romantic love are difficult to satisfy in the trunk
49702 The Reverend Henry Ward Beecher
49703 Called a hen a most elegant creature.
49704 The hen, pleased with that,
49705 Laid an egg in his hat --
49706 And thus did the hen reward Beecher.
49707 -- Oliver Wendell Holmes
49709 The reverse side also has a reverse side.
49710 -- Japanese proverb
49712 The revolution will not be televised.
49714 The reward for working hard is more hard work.
49716 The reward of a thing well done is to have done it.
49719 The rhino is a homely beast,
49720 For human eyes he's not a feast.
49721 Farewell, farewell, you old rhinoceros,
49722 I'll stare at something less prepoceros.
49725 The rich get rich, and the poor get poorer.
49726 The haves get more, the have-nots die.
49728 The right half of the brain controls the left half of the body. This
49729 means that only left handed people are in their right mind.
49731 "The Right Honorable Gentleman is indebted to his memory for his jests
49732 and to his imagination for his facts."
49735 The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be
49737 -- Hubert H. Humphrey
49739 The right to be let alone is indeed the beginning of all freedom.
49742 The right to revolt has sources deep in our history.
49743 -- Supreme Court Justice William O. Douglas
49745 The rights and interests of the laboring man will be protected and cared
49746 for not by our labor agitators, but by the Christian men to whom God in his
49747 infinite wisdom has given control of property interests of the country, and
49748 upon the successful management of which so much remains.
49749 -- George F. Baer, railroad industrialist
49751 The rights you have are the rights given you by this Committee [the
49752 House Un-American Activities Committee]. We will determine what rights
49753 you have and what rights you have not got.
49754 -- J. Parnell Thomas
49756 The ripest fruit falls first.
49757 -- William Shakespeare, "Richard II"
49759 The road to Hades is easy to travel.
49762 The road to hell is paved with good intentions. And littered with
49765 The road to hell is paved with NAND gates.
49768 The road to ruin is always in good repair,
49769 and the travellers pay the expense of it.
49773 The one who says it cannot be done should never interrupt the
49774 one who is doing it.
49776 The root of all superstition is that men
49777 observe when a thing hits, but not when it misses.
49780 The rose of yore is but a name, mere names are left to us.
49782 The Ruffed Pandanga of Borneo and Rotherham spreads out his feathers in
49783 his courtship dance and imitates Winston Churchill and Tommy Cooper on
49784 one leg. The padanga is dying out because the female padanga doesn't
49785 take it too seriously.
49786 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
49788 The rule is, jam to-morrow and jam yesterday, but never jam today.
49791 The rule on staying alive as a forecaster is to give 'em a number or
49792 give 'em a date, but never give 'em both at once.
49793 -- Jane Bryant Quinn
49795 The rules are rather simple to understand: Under democracy you
49796 can defend any view, but only defend it. You can not try to realize
49797 it through power, violence or weapons.
49798 -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967)
49802 1: Thou shalt not worship other computer systems.
49803 2: Thou shalt not impersonate Liberace or eat watermelon while sitting at
49804 the console keyboard.
49805 3: Thou shalt not slap users on the face, nor staple their silly little
49806 card decks together.
49807 4: Thou shalt not get physically involved with the computer system,
49808 especially if you're already married.
49809 5: Thou shalt not use magnetic tapes as frisbees, nor use a disk pack as
49810 a stool to reach another disk pack.
49811 6: Thou shalt not stare at the blinking lights for more than one 8 hour
49813 7: Thou shalt not tell users that you accidentally destroyed their
49814 files/backup just to see the look on their little faces.
49815 8: Thou shalt not enjoy cancelling a job.
49816 9: Thou shalt not display firearms in the computer room.
49817 10: Thou shalt not push buttons "just to see what happens".
49819 The Russians have put a small ball up in the air.
49820 That does not raise my apprehensions one iota.
49821 -- Dwight D. Eisenhower
49823 The salary of the chief executive of the large corporation is not a market
49824 award for achievement. It is frequently in the nature of a warm personal
49825 gesture by the individual to himself.
49826 -- John Kenneth Galbraith, "Annals of an Abiding Liberal"
49828 The San Diego Freeway. Official Parking Lot of the 1984 Olympics!
49830 The savior becomes the victim.
49832 The scene: in a vast, painted desert, a cowboy faces his horse.
49834 Cowboy: "Well, you've been a pretty good hoss, I guess. Hardworkin'.
49835 Not the fastest critter I ever come acrost, but..."
49837 Horse: "No, stupid, not feed*back*. I said I wanted a feed*bag*.
49839 "The Schizophrenic: An Unauthorized Autobiography"
49841 The Schwine-Kitzenger Institute study of 47 men over the age of 100
49842 showed that all had these things in common:
49844 (1) They all had moderate appetites.
49845 (2) They all came from middle class homes.
49846 (3) All but two of them were dead.
49848 The scum also rises.
49849 -- Hunter S. Thompson
49851 The search for the perfect martini is a fraud. The perfect martini is
49852 a belt of gin from the bottle; anything else is the decadent trappings
49856 The second best policy is dishonesty.
49858 The Second Law of Thermodynamics:
49859 If you think things are in a mess now, just wait!
49862 The secret of happiness is total disregard of everybody.
49864 The secret of healthy hitchhiking is to eat junk food.
49866 The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that,
49867 you've got it made.
49870 The secret source of humor is not joy but sorrow;
49871 there is no humor in Heaven.
49874 The sendmail configuration file is one of those files that looks like someone
49875 beat their head on the keyboard. After working with it... I can see why!
49878 The seven deadly sins ... Food, clothing, firing, rent, taxes,
49879 respectability and children. Nothing can lift those seven millstones
49880 from Man's neck but money; and the spirit cannot soar until the
49881 millstones are lifted.
49882 -- George Bernard Shaw
49884 The seven eyes of Ningauble the Wizard floated back to his hood as he
49885 reported to Fafhrd: "I have seen much, yet cannot explain all. The Gray
49886 Mouser is exactly twenty-five feet below the deepest cellar in the palace
49887 of Gilpkerio Kistomerces. Even though twenty-four parts in twenty-five of
49888 him are dead, he is alive.
49889 Now about Lankhmar. She's been invaded, her walls breached
49890 everywhere and desperate fighting is going on in the streets, by a fierce
49891 host which out-numbers Lankhamar's inhabitants by fifty to one -- and
49892 equipped with all modern weapons. Yet you can save the city."
49893 "How?" demanded Fafhrd.
49894 Ningauble shrugged. "You're a hero. You should know."
49895 -- Fritz Leiber, "The Swords of Lankhmar"
49897 The seven year itch comes from fooling around during the fourth, fifth,
49900 The Seventh Commandments for Technicians
49901 Work thou not on energized equipment, for if thou dost, thy
49902 fellow workers will surely buy beers for thy widow and console her in
49905 The sheep died in the wool.
49907 The sheep that fly over your head are soon to land.
49909 The shifts of Fortune test the reliability of friends.
49910 -- Marcus Tullius Cicero
49912 The shortest distance between any two puns is a straight line.
49914 The shortest distance between two points is under construction.
49917 The Shuttle is now going five times the sound of speed.
49918 -- Dan Rather, first landing of Columbia
49920 The six great gifts of an Irish girl are beauty, soft
49921 voice, sweet speech, wisdom, needlework, and chastity.
49922 -- Theodore Roosevelt, 1907
49924 The Sixth Commandment of Frisbee:
49925 The greatest single aid to distance is for the disc to be going
49926 in a direction you did not want. (Goes the wrong way = Goes a long
49930 The sixth sheik's sixth sheep's sick.
49931 -- [just say that five times...]
49933 The sky is blue so we know where to stop mowing.
49934 -- Judge Harold T. Stone
49936 The smallest worm will turn being trodden on.
49937 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
49939 The smiling Spring comes in rejoicing,
49940 And surly Winter grimly flies.
49941 Now crystal clear are the falling waters,
49942 And bonnie blue are the sunny skies.
49943 Fresh o'er the mountains breaks forth the morning,
49944 The ev'ning gilds the oceans's swell:
49945 All creatures joy in the sun's returning,
49946 And I rejoice in my bonnie Bell.
49948 The flowery Spring leads sunny Summer,
49949 The yellow Autumn presses near;
49950 Then in his turn come gloomy Winter,
49951 Till smiling Spring again appear.
49952 Thus seasons dancing, life advancing,
49953 Old Time and Nature their changes tell;
49954 But never ranging, still unchanging,
49955 I adore my bonnie Bell.
49956 -- Robert Burns, "My Bonnie Bell"
49958 The so-called "desktop metaphor" of today's workstations is instead an
49959 "airplane-seat" metaphor. Anyone who has shuffled a lap full of papers
49960 while seated between two portly passengers will recognize the difference --
49961 one can see only a very few things at once.
49962 -- Frederick Brooks
49964 The so-called lessons of history are for the most part the
49965 rationalizations of the victors. History is written by the survivors.
49968 "The society which scorns excellence in plumbing as a humble activity
49969 and tolerates shoddiness in philosophy because it is an exalted
49970 activity will have neither good plumbing nor good philosophy ...
49971 neither its pipes nor its theories will hold water."
49973 The soldier came knocking upon the queen's door
49974 He said, "I am not fighting for you anymore"
49975 The queen knew she had seen his face someplace before
49976 And slowly she let him inside.
49978 He said, "I see you now, and you're so very young
49979 But I've seen more battles lost than I have battles won
49980 And I have this intuition that it's all for your fun
49981 And now will you tell me why?"
49982 -- Suzanne Vega, "The Queen and The Soldier"
49984 The solution of problems is the most characteristic
49985 and peculiar sort of voluntary thinking.
49988 The solution of this problem is trivial
49989 and is left as an exercise for the reader.
49991 The solution to a problem changes the nature of the problem.
49994 The somewhat old and crusty vicar was taking a well-earned retirement from
49995 his rather old and crusty parish. As is usual in these cases, a locum was
49996 sent to cover the transition period. This particular man was young and
49997 active, and had the strange notion that church should also be active and
49998 exciting. As a consequence he was more than a little disappointed with the
49999 dull and tradition-bound church. He decided to do something about it.
50000 For his first Sunday, he didn't wear the traditional robes and
50001 vestments, but lead the service wearing a nice 2-piece suit. The congregation
50002 was horrified! He changed the order of the service. The congregation was
50003 horrified! Then came the children's lesson.
50004 For this he came out of the pulpit, and sat on the communion table.
50005 The congregation was mortified! He sat there swinging his legs against
50006 the table as the children gathered around him.
50007 He asked the children, "What's small, brown, furry and eats nuts?"
50008 There was total silence.
50009 He asked again, "What's small, brown, furry and eats nuts?"
50011 Eventually, one timid youngster put up his hand and said, "Please,
50012 sir, I know the answer is Jesus, but it sure sounds like a squirrel to me."
50014 "The sooner all the animals are dead, the sooner we'll find their
50016 -- Ed Bluestone, "The National Lampoon"
50018 The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up!
50020 The sooner you make your first 5000 mistakes, the sooner you will be
50021 able to correct them.
50024 The soul would have no rainbow had the eyes no tears.
50026 The sounds of the nouns are mostly unbound.
50027 In town a noun might wear a gown,
50028 or further down, might dress a clown.
50029 A noun that's sound would never clown,
50030 but unsound nouns jump up and down.
50031 The sound of a noun could disturb the plowing,
50032 and then, my dear, you'd be put in the pound.
50033 But please don't let that get you down,
50034 the renown of your gown is the talk of the town.
50037 The Soviet pre-eminence in chess can be traced to the average Russian's
50038 readiness to brood obsessively over anything, even the arrangement of
50039 some pieces of wood. Indeed, the Russians' predisposition for quiet
50040 reflection followed by sudden preventive action explains why they led
50041 the field for many years in both chess and ax murders. It is well
50042 known that as early as 1970, the U.S.S.R., aware of what a defeat at
50043 Reykjavik would do to national prestige, implemented a vigorous program
50044 of preparation and incentive. Every day for an entire year, a team of
50045 psychologists, chess analysts and coaches met with the top three
50046 Russian grand masters and threatened them with a pointy stick. That
50047 these tactics proved fruitless is now a part of chess history and a
50048 further testament to the American way, which provides that if you want
50049 something badly enough, you can always go to Iceland and get it from
50051 -- Marshall Brickman, Playboy, April, 1973
50053 The Soviet Union, which has complained recently about alleged anti-Soviet
50054 themes in American advertising, lodged an official protest this week
50055 against the Ford Motor Company's new campaign: "Hey you stinking, fat
50056 Russian, get off my Ford Escort."
50059 The speed of anything depends on the flow of everything.
50061 The spirit of Plato dies hard. We have been unable to escape the
50062 philosophical tradition that what we can see and measure in the world
50063 is merely the superficial and imperfect representation of an underlying
50065 -- S. J. Gould, "The Mismeasure of Man"
50067 The star of riches is shining upon you.
50069 The startling truth finally became apparent, and it was this: Numbers
50070 written on restaurant checks within the confines of restaurants do not
50071 follow the same mathematical laws as numbers written on any other pieces
50072 of paper in any other parts of the Universe. This single statement took
50073 the scientific world by storm. So many mathematical conferences got held
50074 in such good restaurants that many of the finest minds of a generation
50075 died of obesity and heart failure, and the science of mathematics was put
50077 -- Douglas Adams, "Life, The Universe and Everything"
50079 The state law of Pennsylvania prohibits singing in the bathtub.
50081 The state of innocence contains the germs of all future sin.
50082 -- Alexandre Arnoux, "Etudes et caprices"
50084 The steady state of disks is full.
50087 The story of the butterfly:
50088 "I was in Bogota and waiting for a lady friend. I was in love,
50089 a long time ago. I waited three days. I was hungry but could not go
50090 out for food, lest she come and I not be there to greet her. Then, on
50091 the third day, I heard a knock."
50092 "I hurried along the old passage and there, in the sunlight,
50093 there was nothing."
50094 "Just," Vance Joy said, "a butterfly, flying away."
50095 -- Peter Carey, BLISS
50097 The story you are about to hear is true.
50098 Only the names have been changed to protect the innocent.
50100 The street preacher looked so baffled
50101 When I asked him why he dressed
50102 With forty pounds of headlines
50103 Stapled to his chest.
50104 But he cursed me when I proved to him
50105 I said, "Not even you can hide.
50106 You see, you're just like me.
50107 I hope you're satisfied."
50110 The streets are safe in Philadelphia, it's only the people who make
50112 -- Mayor Frank Rizzo
50114 The streets were dark with something more than night.
50115 -- Raymond Chandler
50117 The strong give up and move on, while the weak give up and stay.
50119 The strong individual loves the earth so much he lusts for recurrence. He
50120 can smile in the face of the most terrible thought: meaningless, aimless
50121 existence recurring eternally. The second characteristic of such a man is
50122 that he has the strength to recognise -- and to live with the recognition --
50123 that the world is valueless in itself and that all values are human ones.
50124 He creates himself by fashioning his own values; he has the pride to live
50125 by the values he wills.
50126 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
50128 "The student in question is performing minimally for his peer group and
50129 is an emerging underachiever."
50131 The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant
50134 "The subspace _
\bW inherits the other 8 properties of _
\bV. And there aren't
50135 even any property taxes."
50136 -- J. MacKay, Mathematics 134b
50138 The sudden sight of me causes panic in the streets. They have
50139 yet to learn - only the savage fears what he does not understand.
50140 -- The Silver Surfer
50142 The sum of the intelligence of the world is constant.
50143 The population is, of course, growing.
50145 The sum of the Universe is zero.
50147 The sun never sets on those who ride into it.
50150 The sun was shining on the sea,
50151 Shining with all his might:
50152 He did his very best to make
50153 The billows smooth and bright --
50154 And this was very odd, because it was
50155 The middle of the night.
50156 -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass"
50158 The sunlights differ, but there is only one darkness.
50159 -- Ursula K. LeGuin, "The Dispossessed"
50161 The superfluous is very necessary.
50164 The superior man understands what is right;
50165 the inferior man understands what will sell.
50168 The Supreme Court does it with all deliberate speed.
50170 The surest protection against temptation is cowardice.
50173 The surest sign that a man is in love is when he divorces his wife.
50175 The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher
50176 esteem those who think alike than those who think differently.
50177 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
50179 The surest way to remain a winner is to
50180 win once, and then not play any more.
50182 The sweeter the apple, the blacker the core --
50183 Scratch a lover and find a foe!
50184 -- Dorothy Parker, "Ballad of a Great Weariness"
50186 The system was down for backups from 5am to 10am last Saturday.
50188 The system will be down for 10 days for preventative maintenance.
50190 The Tao doesn't take sides;
50191 it gives birth to both wins and losses.
50192 The Guru doesn't take sides;
50193 she welcomes both hackers and lusers.
50195 The Tao is like a stack:
50196 the data changes but not the structure.
50197 the more you use it, the deeper it becomes;
50198 the more you talk of it, the less you understand.
50200 Hold on to the root.
50202 The Tao is like a glob pattern:
50203 used but never used up.
50204 It is like the extern void:
50205 filled with infinite possibilities.
50207 It is masked but always present.
50208 I don't know who built to it.
50209 It came before the first kernel.
50211 The tao that can be tar(1)ed
50212 is not the entire Tao.
50213 The path that can be specified
50214 is not the Full Path.
50216 We declare the names
50217 of all variables and functions.
50218 Yet the Tao has no type specifier.
50220 Dynamically binding, you realize the magic.
50221 Statically binding, you see only the hierarchy.
50223 Yet magic and hierarchy
50224 arise from the same source,
50225 and this source has a null pointer.
50227 Reference the NULL within NULL,
50228 it is the gateway to all wizardry.
50230 The technician should never forget that he is an artist, the
50231 artist never that he is a technician.
50232 -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967)
50234 The telephone is a good way to talk to people without having to offer
50236 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Interview"
50238 The temperature of Heaven can be rather accurately computed from available
50239 data. Our authority is Isaiah 30:26, "Moreover, the light of the Moon
50240 shall be as the light of the Sun and the light of the Sun shall be sevenfold,
50241 as the light of seven days." Thus Heaven receives from the Moon as much
50242 radiation as we do from the Sun, and in addition seven times seven (49) times
50243 as much as the Earth does from the Sun, or fifty times in all. The light we
50244 receive from the Moon is one ten-thousandth of the light we receive from the
50245 Sun, so we can ignore that. With these data we can compute the temperature
50246 of Heaven. The radiation falling on Heaven will heat it to the point where
50247 the heat lost by radiation is just equal to the heat received by radiation,
50248 i.e., Heaven loses fifty times as much heat as the Earth by radiation. Using
50249 the Stefan-Boltzmann law for radiation, (H/E)^4 = 50, where E is the absolute
50250 temperature of the earth (~300K), gives H as 798K (525C). The exact
50251 temperature of Hell cannot be computed, but it must be less than 444.6C, the
50252 temperature at which brimstone or sulphur changes from a liquid to a gas.
50253 Revelations 21:8 says "But the fearful, and unbelieving ... shall have their
50254 part in the lake which burneth with fire and brimstone." A lake of molten
50255 brimstone means that its temperature must be at or below the boiling point,
50256 or 444.6C (Above this point it would be a vapor, not a lake.) We have,
50257 then, that Heaven, at 525C is hotter than Hell at 445C.
50258 -- "Applied Optics", vol. 11, A14, 1972
50260 The temperature of the aqueous content of an unremittingly ogled
50261 culinary vessel will not achieve 100 degrees on the Celsius scale.
50263 The Ten Commandments for Technicians:
50264 1: Beware the lightening that lurketh in the undischarged
50265 capacitor, lest it cause thee to bounce upon thy buttocks in a
50266 most untechnician-like manner.
50268 7: Work thou not on energized equipment, for if thou dost, thy
50269 fellow workers will surely buy beers for thy widow and console
50272 The term "fire" brings up visions of violence and mayhem and the ugly scene
50273 of shooting employees who make mistakes. We will now refer to this process
50274 as "deleting" an employee (much as a file is deleted from a disk). The
50275 employee is simply there one instant, and gone the next. All the terrible
50276 temper tantrums, crying, and threats are eliminated.
50279 The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposed
50280 ideas in the mind at the same time and still retain the ability to function.
50281 -- F. Scott Fitzgerald
50283 The test of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts.
50286 The thing that takes up the least amount of time
50287 and causes the most amount of trouble is sex.
50289 The things that interest people most are usually none of their business.
50291 The Third Law of Photography:
50292 If you did manage to get any good shots, they will be ruined
50293 when someone inadvertently opens the darkroom door and all of the dark
50296 The thought of being President frightens me and I do not think I
50298 -- Ronald Reagan in 1973
50300 Reagan won because he ran against Jimmy Carter. Had he run unopposed he
50304 Ronald Reagan is a triumph of the embalmer's art.
50307 Ronald Reagan's platform seems to be: Hey, I'm a big good-looking guy and
50308 I need a lot of sleep.
50309 -- Roy G. Blount, Jr.
50311 You've got to be careful quoting Ronald Reagan, because when you quote him
50312 accurately it's called mudslinging.
50315 The Thought Police are here. They've come
50316 To put you under cardiac arrest.
50317 And as they drag you through the door
50318 They tell you that you've failed the test.
50319 -- Buggles, "Living in the Plastic Age"
50321 The three best things about going to school are June, July, and August.
50323 The three biggest software lies:
50325 1: *Of course* we'll give you a copy of the source.
50326 2: *Of course* the third party vendor we bought that from
50327 will fix the microcode.
50328 3: Beta test site? No, *of course* you're not a beta test site.
50330 The three laws of thermodynamics:
50331 (1) You can't get anything without working for it.
50332 (2) The most you can accomplish by working is to break even.
50333 (3) You can only break even at absolute zero.
50335 THE THREE MOST COMMONLY-ASKED QUESTIONS AT DISNEYLAND:
50337 1) Where's the bathroom?
50338 2) What time does the parade start?
50339 3) Do you sell anything without that damn mouse on it?
50341 The three questions of greatest concern are -- 1. Is it attractive?
50342 2. Is it amusing? 3. Does it know its place?
50343 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life"
50345 The three rules of international air travel:
50347 (1) Never fly on Aeroflot if you can possibly avoid it (this used
50348 to be Braniff or Aeroflot).
50349 (2) Never bet a whole lot of money on two little pairs unless you
50350 know *exactly* what you're doing.
50351 (3) Never sleep with anyone whose troubles are worse than your own.
50353 The thrill is here, but it won't last long
50354 You'd better have your fun before it moves along...
50356 The time for action is past!
50357 Now is the time for senseless bickering.
50359 The time is right to make new friends.
50361 The time spent on any item of the agenda [of a finance
50362 committee] will be in inverse proportion to the sum involved.
50365 The time was the 19th of May, 1780. The place was Hartford, Connecticut.
50366 The day has gone down in New England history as a terrible foretaste of
50367 Judgement Day. For at noon the skies turned from blue to grey and by
50368 mid-afternoon had blackened over so densely that, in that religious age,
50369 men fell on their knees and begged a final blessing before the end came.
50370 The Connecticut House of Representatives was in session. And, as some of
50371 the men fell down and others clamored for an immediate adjournment, the
50372 Speaker of the House, one Col. Davenport, came to his feet. He silenced
50373 them and said these words: "The day of judgment is either approaching or
50374 it is not. If it is not, there is no cause for adjournment. If it is, I
50375 choose to be found doing my duty. I wish therefore that candles may be
50379 The tree in which the sap is stagnant remains fruitless.
50382 The Tree of Learning bears the noblest fruit, but noble fruit tastes bad.
50384 The tree of research must from time to time
50385 be refreshed with the blood of bean counters.
50388 The trouble is, there is an endless supply of White Men,
50389 but there has always been a limited number of Human Beings.
50392 The trouble with a kitten is that
50393 When it grows up, it's always a cat
50396 The trouble with a lot of self-made men is that they worship their creator.
50398 The trouble with being poor is that it takes up all your time.
50400 The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate
50402 -- Franklin P. Jones
50404 The trouble with being punctual is that people think you have nothing
50405 more important to do.
50407 The trouble with computers is that they do
50408 what you tell them, not what you want.
50411 The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody
50412 appreciates how difficult it was.
50414 The trouble with eating Italian food is that
50415 five or six days later you're hungry again.
50418 The trouble with heart disease is that the first
50419 symptom is often hard to deal with: death.
50422 The trouble with incest is that it gets you involved with relatives.
50423 -- George S. Kaufman
50425 The trouble with money is it costs too much!
50427 The trouble with opportunity is that it
50428 always comes disguised as hard work.
50429 -- Herbert V. Prochnow
50431 The trouble with some women is that they get
50432 all excited about nothing -- and then marry him.
50435 The trouble with superheros is what to do between phone booths.
50438 The trouble with telling a good story is that it invariably reminds
50439 the other fellow of a dull one.
50442 The trouble with the rat-race is that even if you win, you're still a rat.
50445 The trouble with this country is that there are too many politicians
50446 who believe, with a conviction based on experience, that you can fool
50447 all of the people all of the time.
50450 The trouble with you
50451 Is the trouble with me.
50453 But we still don't see.
50454 -- Robert Hunter, "Workingman's Dead"
50456 The true way goes over a rope which is not stretched at any great
50457 height but just above the ground. It seems more designed to make
50458 people stumble than to be walked upon.
50461 The truth about a man lies first and foremost in what he hides.
50464 The truth is rarely pure, and never simple.
50467 The truth is what is; what should be is a dirty lie.
50470 The truth of a proposition has nothing to do with its credibility. And
50473 The truth of a thing is the feel of it, not the think of it.
50476 The Truth Shall Rape You Over.
50479 The truth you speak has no past and no future.
50480 It is, and that's all it needs to be.
50482 The turtle lives 'twixt plated decks
50483 Which practically conceal its sex.
50484 I think it clever of the turtle
50485 In such a fix to be so fertile.
50488 The two most beautiful words in the English language are "Cheque Enclosed."
50491 "The two most common things in the universe are hydrogen and
50495 The two oldest professions in the world have been ruined by amateurs.
50496 -- George Bernard Shaw
50498 The two party system ... is a triumph of the dialectic. It showed that
50499 two could be one and one could be two and had probably been fabricated
50500 by Hegel for the American market on a subcontract from General Dynamics.
50503 The two things that can get you into trouble
50504 quicker than anything else are fast women and slow horses.
50506 The typewriting machine, when played with expression, is no more
50507 annoying than the piano when played by a sister or near relation.
50510 The, uh, snowy mountains are like really cold, eh?
50511 And the, um, plains stretch out like my moms girdle, eh?
50512 There's lotsa beers and doughnuts for everyone, eh?
50513 So the last one to be peaceful and everything is a big idiot,
50515 So shut yer face up and dry yer mukluks by the fire, eh?
50516 And dream about girls with their high beams on, eh?
50517 They may be cold, but that's okay! Beer's better that way!
50519 -- A, like, Tribute to the Great White North, eh?
50522 The ultimate game show will be the one
50523 where somebody gets killed at the end.
50524 -- Chuck Barris, creator of "The Gong Show"
50526 The unfacts, did we have them, are too
50527 imprecisely few to warrant out certitude.
50529 The United States also has its native Fascists who say that they are
50530 "100 percent American"...
50531 -- U.S. Army (1945)
50533 The United States is like the guy at the party who gives cocaine to
50534 everybody and still nobody likes him.
50537 The universe does not have laws -- it has habits, and habits can be
50540 The universe is all a spin-off of the Big Bang.
50542 The universe is an island,
50543 surrounded by whatever it is that surrounds universes.
50545 The universe is laughing behind your back.
50547 The universe is like a safe to which there is a combination -- but the
50548 combination is locked up in the safe.
50551 The Universe is populated by stable things.
50554 The universe is ruled by letting things take their course.
50555 It cannot be ruled by interfering.
50558 The universe seems neither benign nor hostile, merely indifferent.
50561 The University of California Bears announced the signing of Reggie
50562 Philbin to a letter of intent to attend Cal next Fall. Philbin is said
50563 to make up for no talent by cheating well. Says Philbin of his
50564 decision to attend Cal, "I'm in it for the free ride."
50566 The University of California Statistics Department; where mean is normal,
50567 and deviation standard.
50569 The UNIX philosophy basically involves giving you enough rope to
50570 hang yourself. And then a couple of feet more, just to be sure.
50572 The urge to gamble is so universal and its practice so pleasurable
50573 that I assume it must be evil.
50576 The USA is so enormous, and so numerous are its schools, colleges and
50577 religious seminaries, many devoted to special religious beliefs ranging
50578 from the unorthodox to the dotty, that we can hardly wonder at its
50579 yielding a more bounteous harvest of gobbledygook than the rest of the
50580 world put together.
50581 -- Sir Peter Medawar
50583 The use of anthropomorphic terminology when dealing with computing systems
50584 is a symptom of professional immaturity.
50585 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
50587 The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be
50588 regarded as a criminal offence.
50589 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5
50591 The use of money is all the advantage there is to having money.
50592 -- Benjamin Franklin
50594 The value of a program is proportional to the weight of its output.
50596 The verdict of a jury is the a priori opinion of that juror who smokes
50600 The very ink with which all history is written is merely fluid
50604 The very powerful and the very stupid have one thing in common.
50605 Instead of altering their views to fit the facts, they alter the facts
50606 to fit their views ... which can be very uncomfortable if you happen to
50607 be one of the facts that needs altering.
50608 -- Doctor Who, "Face of Evil"
50610 The very remembrance of my former misfortune proves a new one to me.
50611 -- Miguel de Cervantes
50613 The Vet Who Surprised A Cow
50614 In the course of his duties in August 1977, a Dutch veterinary
50615 surgeon was required to treat an ailing cow. To investigate its internal
50616 gases he inserted a tube into that end of the animal not capable of facial
50617 expression and struck a match. The jet of flame set fire first to some
50618 bales of hay and then to the whole farm causing damage estimate at L45,000.
50619 The vet was later fined L140 for starting a fire in a manner surprising to
50620 the magistrates. The cow escaped with shock.
50621 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
50623 The VFW represents many who died to give this country a second chance
50624 to make it what it is supposed to be -- God's guest house on earth.
50627 The volume of paper expands to fill the available briefcases.
50630 The voluptuous blond was chatting with her handsome escort in a posh
50631 restaurant when their waiter, stumbling as he brought their drinks,
50632 dumped a martini on the rocks down the back of the blonde's dress. She
50633 sprang to her feet with a wild rebel yell, dashed wildly around the table,
50634 then galloped wriggling from the room followed by her distraught boyfriend.
50635 A man seated on the other side of the room with a date of his own beckoned
50636 to the waiter and said, "We'll have two of whatever she was drinking."
50638 "The voters have spoken, the bastards ..."
50640 "The wages of sin are death; but after they're done taking out taxes,
50641 it's just a tired feeling:"
50643 The wages of sin are high but you get your money's worth.
50645 The wages of sin are unreported.
50647 The War on Drugs is just a small part of the War on the United States
50650 "The warning message we sent the Russians was a calculated ambiguity
50651 that would be clearly understood."
50654 The water was not fit to drink.
50655 To make it palatable, we had to add whiskey.
50656 By diligent effort, I learned to like it.
50657 -- Winston Churchill
50659 The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and
50660 incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks.
50663 The way of the world is to praise dead saints and prosecute live ones.
50666 The way some people find fault, you'd think there was some kind of reward.
50668 The way to a man's heart is through his
50669 wife's belly, and don't you forget it.
50670 -- Edward Albee, "Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?"
50672 The way to a man's heart is through the left ventricle.
50674 The way to a man's stomach is through his esophagus.
50676 The way to fight a woman is with your hat. Grab it and run.
50678 The way to love anything is to realize that it might be lost.
50680 "The way to make a small fortune in the commodities market is to start
50681 with a large fortune."
50683 The weather is here, I wish you were beautiful.
50684 My thoughts aren't too clear, but don't run away.
50685 My girlfriend's a bore; my job is too dutiful.
50686 Hell nobody's perfect, would you like to play?
50687 I feel together today!
50688 -- Jimmy Buffet, "Coconut Telegraph"
50690 The weed of crime bears bitter fruit.
50692 The weed of crime bears bitter fruit...
50693 but the leaves are good to smoke!
50696 The White Rabbit put on his spectacles.
50697 "Where shall I begin, please your Majesty?" he asked.
50698 "Begin at the beginning,", the King said, very gravely,
50699 "and go on till you come to the end: then stop."
50702 The white race is the cancer of history.
50705 The whole earth is in jail and we're plotting this incredible jailbreak.
50708 The whole of life is futile unless you
50709 consider it as a sporting proposition.
50711 The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always
50712 so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of doubts.
50713 -- Bertrand Russell
50715 The whole world is a scab. The point is to pick it constructively.
50718 The whole world is a tuxedo and you are a pair of brown shoes.
50721 The wind doth taste so bitter sweet,
50722 Like Jaspar wine and sugar,
50723 It must have blown through someone's feet,
50724 Like those of Caspar Weinberger.
50727 The wise and intelligent are coming belatedly to realize that alcohol, and
50728 not the dog, is man's best friend. Rover is taking a beating -- and he
50732 The wise man seeks everything in himself;
50733 the ignorant man tries to get everything from somebody else.
50735 The wise shepherd never trusts his flock to a smiling wolf.
50737 The woman hurried home from her doctor's appointment, devastated by the
50738 medical report she had just received. When her husband came in from work,
50739 she told him, "Darling, the doctor said I have only twelve more hours to
50740 live. So I've decided I want to go to bed and make passionate love to you
50741 throughout the night. How does that sound, dearest?"
50742 "Hey, that's fine for *you*," replied the husband. "You don't have
50743 to get up in the morning!"
50745 The wonderful thing about a dancing bear
50746 is not how well he dances, but that he dances at all.
50748 The work [of software development] is becoming far easier (i.e. the tools
50749 we're using work at a higher level, more removed from machine, peripheral
50750 and operating system imperatives) than it was twenty years ago, and because
50751 of this, knowledge of the internals of a system may become less accessible.
50752 We may be able to dig deeper holes, but unless we know how to build taller
50753 ladders, we had best hope that it does not rain much.
50756 The world has many unintentionally cruel mechanisms that are not
50757 designed for people who walk on their hands.
50758 -- John Irving, "The World According to Garp"
50760 The world is a comedy to those who think,
50761 and a tragedy to those who feel.
50764 The world is coming to an end. Please log off.
50766 The world is coming to an end! Repent and return those library books!
50768 The world is coming to an end ... SAVE YOUR BUFFERS!!!
50770 The world is full of people who have never, since
50771 childhood, met an open doorway with an open mind.
50774 The world is moving so fast these days that the man who says
50775 it can't be done is generally interrupted by someone doing it.
50778 The world is not octal despite DEC.
50780 The world is your exercise-book, the pages on which you do your sums.
50781 It is not reality, although you can express reality there if you wish.
50782 You are also free to write nonsense, or lies, or to tear the pages.
50783 -- Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul
50785 The world needs more people like us and fewer like them.
50787 The world really isn't any worse.
50788 It's just that the news coverage is so much better.
50790 The world wants to be deceived.
50793 The world will end in 5 minutes. Please log out.
50795 The world's as ugly as sin,
50796 And almost as delightful.
50797 -- Frederick Locker-Lampson
50799 The world's great men have not commonly been great scholars,
50800 nor its great scholars great men.
50801 -- Oliver Wendell Holmes
50803 The Worst American Poet
50804 Julia Moore, "the Sweet Singer of Michigan" (1847-1920) was so bad that
50805 Mark Twain said her first book gave him joy for 20 years.
50806 Her verse was mainly concerned with violent death -- the great fire
50807 of Chicago and the yellow fever epidemic proved natural subjects for her
50809 Whether death was by drowning, by fits or by runaway sleigh, the
50810 formula was the same:
50811 Have you heard of the dreadful fate
50812 Of Mr. P. P. Bliss and wife?
50813 Of their death I will relate,
50814 And also others lost their life
50815 (in the) Ashbula Bridge disaster,
50816 Where so many people died.
50817 Even if you started out reasonably healthy in one of Julia's poems,
50818 the chances are that after a few stanzas you would be at the bottom of a
50819 river or struck by lightning. A critic of the day said she was "worse than
50820 a Gatling gun" and in one slim volume counted 21 killed and 9 wounded.
50821 Incredibly, some newspapers were critical of her work, even
50822 suggesting that the sweet singer was "semi-literate". Her reply was
50823 forthright: "The Editors that has spoken in this scandalous manner have went
50824 beyond reason." She added that "literary work is very difficult to do".
50825 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
50827 THE WORST ANIMAL RESCUE
50829 During the firemen's strike of 1978, the British Army had taken over
50830 emergency firefighting and on 14 January they were called out by an
50831 elderly lady in South London to retrieve her cat which had become trapped
50832 up a tree. They arrived with impressive haste and soon discharged their
50833 duty. So grateful was the lady that she invited them all in for tea.
50834 Driving off later, with fond farewells completed, they ran over the cat
50836 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
50838 THE WORST BANK ROBBERY
50840 In August 1975 three men were on their way in to rob the Royal Bank of
50841 Scotland at Rothesay, when they got stuck in the revolving doors. They
50842 had to be helped free by the staff and, after thanking everyone,
50843 sheepishly left the building.
50844 A few minutes later they returned and announced their intention of
50845 robbing the bank, but none of the staff believed them. When they demanded
50846 5,000 pounds in cash, the head cashier laughed at them, convinced that it
50847 was a practical joke.
50848 Then one of the men jumped over the counter, but fell to the floor
50849 clutching his ankle. The other two tried to make their getaway, but got
50850 trapped in the revolving doors again.
50852 The Worst Car Hire Service
50853 When David Schwartz left university in 1972, he set up Rent-a-wreck
50854 as a joke. Being a natural prankster, he acquired a fleet of beat-up
50855 shabby, wreckages waiting for the scrap heap in California.
50856 He put on a cap and looked forward to watching people's faces as he
50857 conducted them round the choice of bumperless, dented junkmobiles.
50858 To his lasting surprise there was an insatiable demand for them and
50859 he now has 26 thriving branches all over America. "People like driving
50860 round in the worst cars available," he said. Of course they do.
50861 "If a driver damages the side of a car and is honest enough to
50862 admit it, I tell him, `Forget it'. If they bring a car back late we
50863 overlook it. If they've had a crash and it doesn't involve another vehicle
50864 we might overlook that too."
50865 "Where's the ashtray?" asked one Los Angeles wife, as she settled
50866 into the ripped interior. "Honey," said her husband, "the whole car's the
50868 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
50870 The worst cliques are those which consist of one man.
50871 -- George Bernard Shaw
50873 THE WORST HOMING PIGEON
50875 This historic bird was released in Pembrokeshire in June 1953 and was
50876 expected to reach its base that evening. It was returned by post, dead,
50877 in a cardboard box eleven years later from Brazil.
50878 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
50880 The worst is enemy of the bad.
50882 The worst is not so long as we can say "This is the worst."
50886 A murder trial at Manitoba in February 1978 was well advanced, when
50887 one juror revealed that he was completely deaf and did not have the
50888 remotest clue what was happening.
50889 The judge, Mr. Justice Solomon, asked him if he had heard any
50890 evidence at all and, when there was no reply, dismissed him.
50891 The excitement which this caused was only equalled when a second
50892 juror revealed that he spoke not a word of English. A fluent French
50893 speaker, he exhibited great surprised when told, after two days, that he
50894 was hearing a murder trial.
50895 The trial was abandoned when a third juror said that he suffered
50896 from both conditions, being simultaneously unversed in the English language
50897 and nearly as deaf as the first juror.
50898 The judge ordered a retrial.
50899 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
50901 The Worst Lines of Verse
50902 For a start, we can rule out James Grainger's promising line:
50903 "Come, muse, let us sing of rats."
50904 Grainger (1721-67) did not have the courage of his convictions and deleted
50905 these words on discovering that his listeners dissolved into spontaneous
50906 laughter the instant they were read out.
50907 No such reluctance afflicted Adam Lindsay Gordon (1833-70) who was
50908 inspired by the subject of war.
50909 "Flash! flash! bang! bang! and we blazed away,
50910 And the grey roof reddened and rang;
50911 Flash! flash! and I felt his bullet flay
50912 The tip of my ear. Flash! bang!"
50913 By contrast, Cheshire cheese provoked John Armstrong (1709-79):
50914 "... that which Cestria sends, tenacious paste of solid milk..."
50915 While John Bidlake was guided by a compassion for vegetables:
50916 "The sluggard carrot sleeps his day in bed,
50917 The crippled pea alone that cannot stand."
50918 George Crabbe (1754-1832) wrote:
50919 "And I was ask'd and authorized to go
50920 To seek the firm of Clutterbuck and Co."
50921 William Balmford explored the possibilities of religious verse:
50922 "So 'tis with Christians, Nature being weak
50923 While in this world, are liable to leak."
50924 And William Wordsworth showed that he could do it if he really tried when
50926 "I've measured it from side to side;
50927 Tis three feet long and two feet wide."
50928 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
50930 The Worst Musical Trio
50931 There are few bad musicians who have a chance to give a recital at
50932 a famous concert hall while still learning the rudiments of their
50933 instrument. This happened about thirty years ago to the son of a Rumanian
50934 gentleman who was owed a personal favour by Georges Enesco, the celebrated
50935 violinist. Enesco agreed to give lessons to the son who was quite
50936 unhampered by great musical talent.
50937 Three years later the boy's father insisted that he give a public
50938 concert. "His aunt said that nobody plays the violin better than he does.
50939 A cousin heard him the other day and screamed with enthusiasm." Although
50940 Enesco feared the consequences, he arranged a recital at the Salle Gaveau
50941 in Paris. However, nobody bought a ticket since the soloist was unknown.
50942 "Then you must accompany him on the piano," said the boy's father,
50943 "and it will be a sell out."
50944 Reluctantly, Enesco agreed and it was. On the night an excited
50945 audience gathered. Before the concert began Enesco became nervous and
50946 asked for someone to turn his pages.
50947 In the audience was Alfred Cortot, the brilliant pianist, who
50948 volunteered and made his way to the stage.
50949 The soloist was of uniformly low standard and next morning the
50950 music critic of Le Figaro wrote: "There was a strange concert at the Salle
50951 Gaveau last night. The man whom we adore when he plays the violin played
50952 the piano. Another whom we adore when he plays the piano turned the pages.
50953 But the man who should have turned the pages played the violin."
50954 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
50956 The worst part of having success is trying
50957 to find someone who is happy for you.
50960 The worst part of valor is indiscretion.
50962 The Worst Prison Guards
50963 The largest number of convicts ever to escape simultaneously from a
50964 maximum security prison is 124. This record is held by Alcoente Prison,
50965 near Lisbon in Portugal.
50966 During the weeks leading up to the escape in July 1978 the prison
50967 warders had noticed that attendances had fallen at film shows which
50968 included "The Great Escape", and also that 220 knives and a huge quantity
50969 of electric cable had disappeared. A guard explained, "Yes, we were
50970 planning to look for them, but never got around to it." The warders had
50971 not, however, noticed the gaping holes in the wall because they were
50972 "covered with posters". Nor did they detect any of the spades, chisels,
50973 water hoses and electric drills amassed by the inmates in large quantities.
50974 The night before the breakout one guard had noticed that of the 36
50975 prisoners in his block only 13 were present. He said this was "normal"
50976 because inmates sometimes missed roll-call or hid, but usually came back
50978 "We only found out about the escape at 6:30 the next morning when
50979 one of the prisoners told us," a warder said later. [...] When they
50980 eventually checked, the prison guards found that exactly half of the gaol's
50981 population was missing. By way of explanation the Justice Minister, Dr.
50982 Santos Pais, claimed that the escape was "normal" and part of the
50983 "legitimate desire of the prisoner to regain his liberty."
50984 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
50986 The worst sin towards our fellow creatures is not to hate them,
50987 but to be indifferent to them; that's the essence of inhumanity.
50988 -- George Bernard Shaw
50990 The worst thing about some men is that when they are not drunk they
50992 -- William Butler Yeats
50994 The worst thing one can do is not to try, to be aware of what one
50995 wants and not give in to it, to spend years in silent hurt wondering
50996 if something could have materialized -- and never knowing.
50999 The Wright Brothers weren't the first to fly.
51000 They were just the first not to crash.
51002 The yankees, son, are up north.
51003 The damnyankees are down here.
51005 The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of
51006 four and eighteen. At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all
51009 The young Georgia miss came to the hospital for a checkup.
51010 "Have you been X-rayed?" asked the doctor.
51011 "Nope," she said, "but ah've been ultraviolated."
51013 The young lady had an unusual list,
51014 Linked in part to a structural weakness.
51015 She set no preconditions.
51017 The young man-about-town enjoyed luxury but didn't always have the means
51018 to buy it, and so he huffily walked out of the Miami Beach hotel when he
51019 found out the charges for room, meals and golf privileges were $300 a day.
51020 He registered across the street at an equally elegant hotel, where the
51021 rates were only $70. The following morning he went down to the hotel's
51022 golf course and asked Scotty, the pro, to sell him a couple of golf balls.
51023 "Sure," said Scotty. "That'll be $25 apiece."
51024 "What?" screamed the bachelor. "In the hotel across the street
51025 they only charge $1 a ball!"
51026 "Naturally," replied the pro. "Over there they get you by the
51029 THEGODDESSOFTHENETHASTWISTINGFINGERSANDHERVOICEISLIKEAJAVALININTHENIGHTDUDE
51031 Their idea of an offer you can't refuse is an offer...
51032 and you'd better not refuse.
51036 Then a man said: Speak to us of Expectations.
51038 He then said: If a man does not see or hear the waters of the Jordan,
51039 then he should not taste the pomegranate or ply his wares in an open
51042 If a man would not labour in the salt and rock quarries then he should
51043 not accept of the Earth that which he refuses to give of himself.
51045 Such a man would expect a pear of a peach tree.
51046 Such a man would expect a stone to lay an egg.
51047 Such a man would expect Sears to assemble a lawnmower.
51048 -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
51050 Then, gently touching my face, she hesitated for a moment as her
51051 incredible eyes poured forth into mine love, joy, pain, tragedy,
51052 acceptance, and peace. "'Bye for now," she said warmly.
51053 -- Thea Alexander, "2150 A.D."
51055 Then here's to the City of Boston,
51056 The town of the cries and the groans.
51057 Where the Cabots can't see the Kabotschniks,
51058 And the Lowells won't speak to the Cohns.
51059 -- Franklin Pierce Adams
51061 Then there was LSD, which was supposed to make you think you could fly.
51062 I remember it made you think you couldn't stand up, and mostly it was
51066 Then there was the Formosan bartender named Taiwan-On.
51068 Then there was the Scoutmaster who got a fantastic deal on this case of
51069 Tates brand compasses for his troop; only $1.25 each! Only problem was,
51070 when they got them out in the woods, the compasses were all stuck pointing
51071 to the "W" on the dial.
51074 He who has a Tates is lost!
51076 "Then you admit confirming not denying you ever said that?"
51077 "NO! ... I mean Yes! WHAT?"
51078 "I'll put `maybe.'"
51081 Theology is an attempt to explain a subject by men who do not understand
51082 it. The intent is not to tell the truth but to satisfy the questioner.
51085 Theorem: a cat has nine tails.
51087 No cat has eight tails. A cat has one tail more than no cat.
51088 Therefore, a cat has nine tails.
51090 Theorem: All positive integers are equal.
51091 Proof: Sufficient to show that for any two positive integers, A and B, A = B.
51092 Further, it is sufficient to show that for all N > 0, if A and B
51093 (positive integers) satisfy (MAX(A, B) = N) then A = B.
51095 Proceed by induction:
51096 If N = 1, then A and B, being positive integers, must both be 1.
51099 Assume that the theorem is true for some value k. Take A and B with
51100 MAX(A, B) = k+1. Then MAX((A-1), (B-1)) = k. And hence
51101 (A-1) = (B-1). Consequently, A = B.
51103 Theorem: All programs are dull.
51105 Proof: Assume the contrary; i.e., the set of interesting programs is
51106 nonempty. Arrange them (or it) in order of interest (note that all
51107 sets can be well ordered, so do it properly). The minimal element is
51108 the "least interesting program", the obvious dullness of which provides
51109 the contradictory denouement we so devoutly seek.
51110 -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
51113 System of ideas meant to explain something, chosen with a view to
51114 originality, controversialism, incomprehensibility, and how good
51115 it will look in print.
51117 Theory is gray, but the golden tree of life is green.
51120 Theory of Selective Supervision:
51121 The one time in the day that you lean back and relax is
51122 the one time the boss walks through the office.
51124 There ain't no such thing as a free lunch.
51127 There appears before you a threatening figure clad all over in heavy black
51128 armor. His legs seem like the massive trunk of the oak tree. His broad
51129 shoulders and helmeted head loom high over your own puny frame and you
51130 realize that his powerful arms could easily crush the very life from your
51131 body. There hangs from his belt a veritable arsenal of deadly weapons:
51132 sword, mace, ball and chain, dagger, lance, and trident.
51133 He speaks with a commanding voice:
51135 "YOU SHALL NOT PASS"
51137 As he grabs you by the neck all grows dim about you.
51139 There appears to be irrefutable evidence that
51140 the mere fact of overcrowding induces violence.
51143 There are a few things that never go out of style,
51144 and a feminine woman is one of them.
51147 There are a lot of lies going around.... and half of them are true.
51148 -- Winston Churchill
51150 There are bad times just around the corner,
51151 There are dark clouds hurtling through the sky
51152 And it's no good whining
51153 About a silver lining
51154 For we know from experience that they won't roll by...
51157 There are few people more often in the wrong
51158 than those who cannot endure to be thought so.
51160 There are few virtues that the Poles do not possess --
51161 and there are few mistakes they have ever avoided.
51162 -- Winston Churchill, Parliament, August, 1945
51164 There are four kinds of homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable,
51165 and praiseworthy ...
51166 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
51168 There are four kinds of homicide: felonious,
51169 excusable, justifiable, and praiseworthy...
51172 There are four stages to a marriage. First there's the affair, then there's
51173 the marriage, then children and finally the fourth stage, without which you
51174 cannot know a woman, the divorce.
51177 There are in this country two very large monopolies. The larger of the
51178 two has the following record: The Vietnam War, Watergate, double-digit
51179 inflation, fuel and energy shortages, bankrupt airlines, and the 8-cent
51180 postcard. The second is responsible for such things as the transistor,
51181 the solar cell, lasers, synthetic crystals, high fidelity stereo recording,
51182 sound motion pictures, radio astronomy, negative feedback, magnetic tape,
51183 magnetic "bubbles", electronic switching systems, microwave radio and TV
51184 relay systems, information theory, the first electrical digital computer,
51185 and the first communications satellite. Guess which one is going to tell
51186 the other how to run the telephone business? I can hardly wait for the
51189 There are many intelligent species in the universe. They all own
51192 There are many intelligent species in
51193 the universe, and they all own cats.
51195 There are many of us in this old world of ours who hold that things break
51196 about even for all of us. I have observed, for example, that we all get
51197 about the same amount of ice. The rich get it in the summer and the poor
51198 get it in the winter.
51201 There are many people today who literally do not have a close personal
51202 friend. They may know something that we don't. They are probably
51203 avoiding a great deal of pain.
51205 There are more dead people than living, and their numbers are increasing.
51208 There are more old drunkards than old doctors.
51210 There are more things in heaven and earth than any place else.
51212 There are more things in heaven and earth,
51213 Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy.
51216 There are more ways of killing a cat than choking her with cream.
51218 There are never any bugs you haven't found yet.
51220 There are new messages.
51222 There are no accidents whatsoever in the universe.
51225 There are no answers, only cross-references.
51228 There are no data that cannot be plotted on a straight line if the axes
51229 are chosen correctly.
51231 There are no emotional victims, only volunteers.
51233 There are no games on this system.
51235 There are no great men, buster. There are only men.
51236 -- Elaine Stewart, "The Bad and the Beautiful"
51238 There are no great men, only great challenges that
51239 ordinary men are forced by circumstances to meet.
51240 -- Admiral William Halsey
51242 There are no manifestos like cannon and musketry.
51243 -- The Duke of Wellington
51245 There are no physicists in the hottest parts of hell, because the
51246 existence of a "hottest part" implies a temperature difference, and any
51247 marginally competent physicist would immediately use this to run a heat
51248 engine and make some other part of hell comfortably cool. This is
51249 obviously impossible.
51250 -- Richard Davisson
51252 There are no rules for March. March is spring, sort
51253 of, usually, March means maybe, but don't bet on it.
51255 There are no winners in life, only survivors.
51257 There are only two kinds of men -- the dead and the deadly.
51260 There are only two kinds of tequila. Good and better.
51262 There are only two things in this world that I am sure of, death and
51263 taxes, and we just might do something about death one of these days.
51266 There are people so addicted to exaggeration that they can't tell the
51267 truth without lying.
51270 There are people who find it odd to eat four or five Chinese meals
51271 in a row; in China, I often remind them, there are a billion or so
51272 people who find nothing odd about it.
51275 There are places I'll remember
51276 All my life though some have changed.
51277 Some forever not for better
51278 Some have gone and some remain.
51279 All these places had their moments
51280 With lovers and friends I still recall.
51281 Some are dead and some are living,
51282 In my life I've loved them all.
51284 But of all these friends and lovers,
51285 There is no one compared with you,
51286 All these memories lose their meaning
51287 When I think of love as something new.
51288 Though I know I'll never lose affection
51289 For people and things that went before,
51290 I know I'll often stop and think about them
51291 In my life I'll love you more.
51292 -- Lennon/McCartney, "In My Life", 1965
51294 There are really not many jobs that actually require a penis or a
51295 vagina, and all other occupations should be open to everyone.
51298 There are running jobs.
51299 Why don't you go chase them?
51301 There are some micro-organisms that exhibit characteristics of both
51302 plants and animals. When exposed to light they undergo photosynthesis;
51303 and when the lights go out, they turn into animals. But then again,
51306 There are strange things done in the midnight sun
51307 By the men who moil for gold;
51308 The Arctic trails have their secret tales
51309 That would make your blood run cold;
51310 The Northern Lights have seen queer sights,
51311 But the queerest they ever did see
51312 Was that night on the marge of Lake Lebarge
51313 I cremated Sam McGee.
51314 -- Robert W. Service
51316 There are ten or twenty basic truths, and life
51317 is the process of discovering them over and over and over.
51320 "There are those who claim that magic is like the tide; that it swells
51321 and fades over the surface of the earth, collecting in concentrated
51322 pools here and there, almost disappearing from other spots, leaving
51323 them parched for wonder. There are also those who believe that if you
51324 stick your fingers up your nose and blow, it will increase your
51326 -- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Volume VII
51328 There are three kinds of lies: Lies, Damned Lies, and Statistics.
51329 -- Benjamin Disraeli
51331 There are three kinds of people: men, women, and unix.
51333 There are three possibilities: Pioneer's solar panel has turned away
51334 from the sun; there's a large meteor blocking transmission; or someone
51335 loaded Star Trek 3.2 into our video processor.
51337 There are three possible parts to a date, of which at least two must be
51338 offered: entertainment, food, and affection. It is customary to begin
51339 a series of dates with a great deal of entertainment, a moderate amount
51340 of food, and the merest suggestion of affection. As the amount of
51341 affection increases, the entertainment can be reduced proportionately.
51342 When the affection IS the entertainment, we no longer call it dating.
51343 Under no circumstances can the food be omitted.
51344 -- Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior
51346 There are three principal ways to lose money: wine, women, and
51347 engineers. While the first two are more pleasant, the third is by far
51349 -- Baron Rothschild, ca. 1800
51351 There are three reasons for becoming a writer: the first is that you need
51352 the money; the second that you have something to say that you think the
51353 world should know; the third is that you can't think what to do with the
51354 long winter evenings.
51357 There are three rules for writing a novel.
51358 Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.
51359 -- W. Somerset Maugham
51361 There are three schools of magic. One: State a tautology, then ring
51362 the changes on its corollaries; that's philosophy. Two: Record many
51363 facts. Try to find a pattern. Then make a wrong guess at the next
51364 fact; that's science. Three: Be aware that you live in a malevolent
51365 Universe controlled by Murphy's Law, sometimes offset by Brewster's
51366 Factor; that's engineering.
51368 There are three things I always forget. Names, faces -- the third I
51372 There are three things I have always loved
51373 and never understood -- art, music, and women.
51375 There are three things men can do with women:
51376 love them, suffer for them, or turn them into literature.
51379 There are three ways to get something done:
51380 (1) Do it yourself.
51381 (2) Hire someone to do it for you.
51382 (3) Forbid your kids to do it.
51384 There are times when truth is stranger than fiction and lunch time is
51387 There are twenty-five people left in the world,
51388 and twenty-seven of them are hamburgers.
51391 There are two jazz musicians who are great buddies. They hang out and play
51392 together for years, virtually inseparable. Unfortunately, one of them is
51393 struck by a truck and killed. About a week later his friend wakes up in
51394 the middle of the night with a start because he can feel a presence in the
51395 room. He calls out, "Who's there? Who's there? What's going on?"
51396 "It's me -- Bob," replies a faraway voice.
51397 Excitedly he sits up in bed. "Bob! Bob! Is that you? Where are
51399 "Well," says the voice, "I'm in heaven now."
51400 "Heaven! You're in heaven! That's wonderful! What's it like?"
51401 "It's great, man. I gotta tell you, I'm jamming up here every day.
51402 I'm playing with Bird, and 'Trane, and Count Basie drops in all the time!
51403 Man it is smokin'!"
51404 "Oh, wow!" says his friend. "That sounds fantastic, tell me more,
51406 "Let me put it this way," continues the voice. "There's good news
51407 and bad news. The good news is that these guys are in top form. I mean
51408 I have *never* heard them sound better. They are *wailing* up here."
51409 "The bad news is that God has this girlfriend that sings..."
51411 There are two kinds of fool. One says, "This is old, and therefore good."
51412 And one says, "This is new, and therefore better."
51413 -- John Brunner, "The Shockwave Rider"
51415 There are two kinds of pedestrians... the quick and the dead.
51416 -- Lord Thomas Robert Dewar
51418 There are two kinds of solar-heat systems: "passive" systems collect
51419 the sunlight that hits your home, and "active" systems collect the
51420 sunlight that hits your neighbors' homes, too.
51421 -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler"
51423 There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX.
51424 We don't believe this to be a coincidence.
51425 -- Jeremy S. Anderson
51427 There are two problems with a major hangover. You feel
51428 like you are going to die and you're afraid that you won't.
51430 There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman -- before
51431 marriage and after marriage.
51433 There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good
51434 sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.
51437 There are two ways of constructing a software design: One way is to
51438 make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the
51439 other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious
51443 There are two ways of disliking art.
51444 One is to dislike it.
51445 The other is to like it rationally.
51448 "There are two ways of disliking poetry; one way is to dislike it, the
51449 other is to read Pope."
51452 There are two ways to write error-free programs. Only the third one
51455 There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a
51456 suitable application of high explosives.
51458 There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening
51459 with an insurance salesman?
51462 There be sober men a'plenty, and drunkards barely twenty; there are men
51463 of over ninety who have never yet kissed a girl. But give me the rambling
51464 rover, from Orkney down to Dover, we will roam the whole world over, and
51465 together we'll face the world.
51466 -- Andy Stewart, "After the Hush"
51468 There but for the grace of God, goes God.
51469 -- Winston Churchill, speaking of Sir Stafford Cripps
51471 There can be no daily democracy without daily citizenship.
51474 There can be no twisted thought without a twisted molecule.
51477 There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.
51480 There comes a time in the affairs of a man when he
51481 has to take the bull by the tail and face the situation.
51484 There comes a time to stop being angry.
51485 -- A Small Circle of Friends
51487 There exist tasks which cannot be done by more than 10 men or fewer
51491 There goes the good time that was had by all.
51492 -- Bette Davis, remarking on a passing starlet
51494 There has also been some work to allow the interesting use of macro names.
51495 For example, if you wanted all of your "creat()" calls to include read
51496 permissions for everyone, you could say
51498 #define creat(file, mode) creat(file, mode | 0444)
51500 I would recommend against this kind of thing in general, since it
51501 hides the changed semantics of "creat()" in a macro, potentially far away
51503 To allow this use of macros, the preprocessor uses a process that
51504 is worth describing, if for no other reason than that we get to use one of
51505 the more amusing terms introduced into the C lexicon. While a macro is
51506 being expanded, it is temporarily undefined, and any recurrence of the macro
51507 name is "painted blue" -- I kid you not, this is the official terminology
51508 -- so that in future scans of the text the macro will not be expanded
51509 recursively. (I do not know why the color blue was chosen; I'm sure it
51510 was the result of a long debate, spread over several meetings.)
51511 -- From Ken Arnold's "C Advisor" column in Unix Review
51513 There has been a little distress selling on the stock exchange.
51514 -- Thomas W. Lamont, October 29, 1929
51516 There has been an alarming increase in the number of things you know
51519 There is a 20% chance of tomorrow.
51521 There is a building with four floors. On the first floor, there
51522 is a convention of architects. On the second floor, there is a
51523 vinyl manufacturing plant. On the third floor there is a fast food
51524 stand, and on the fourth floor there is a library.
51526 Q: What would happen if a librarian traveled down in a small
51527 elevator with one other person from each floor?
51528 A: The elevator would be full.
51530 There is a certain frame of mind to which a cemetery
51531 is, if not an antidote, at least an alleviation. If
51532 you are in a fit of the blues, go nowhere else.
51533 -- Robert Louis Stevenson, "Immortelles"
51535 There is a certain impertinence in allowing oneself to be burned for an
51539 There is a fly on your nose.
51541 There is a good deal of solemn cant about the common interests of capital
51542 and labour. As matters stand, their only common interest is that of cutting
51543 each other's throat.
51544 -- Brooks Atkinson, "Once Around the Sun"
51546 There is a great discovery still to be made in Literature: that of
51547 paying literary men by the quantity they do NOT write.
51549 There is a green, multi-legged creature crawling on your shoulder.
51551 There is a limit to the admiration we may hold for a man who spends
51552 his waking hours poking the contents of chickens with a stick.
51553 -- Tom Robbins, "Jitterbug Perfume"
51555 There is a Massachusetts law requiring all dogs to have their hind legs
51556 tied during the month of April.
51558 There is a natural hootchy-kootchy to a goldfish.
51561 There is a new anti-communist organization that advocates the use of
51562 wooden toilet seats.
51564 It's called the Birch John Society.
51566 There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly
51567 what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly
51568 disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and
51571 There is another theory which states that this has already happened.
51572 -- Douglas Adams, "The Restaurant at the End of the Universe"
51574 There is a time in the tides of men,
51575 Which, taken at its flood, leads on to success.
51576 On the other hand, don't count on it.
51579 There is a vast difference between the savage and civilized man, but it
51580 is never apparent to their wives until after breakfast.
51583 There is always more hell that needs raising.
51586 There is always one thing to remember: writers are always selling
51588 -- Joan Didion, "Slouching Towards Bethlehem"
51590 There is always someone worse off than yourself.
51592 There is always something new out of Africa.
51593 -- Gaius Plinius Secundus
51595 There is an innocence in admiration; it is found in those to whom it
51596 has not yet occurred that they, too, might be admired some day.
51597 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
51599 There is an old time toast which is golden for its beauty.
51600 "When you ascend the hill of prosperity may you not meet a friend."
51603 There is brutality and there is honesty.
51604 There is no such thing as brutal honesty.
51606 There is grandeur in this view of life, with its several powers,
51607 having been originally breathed into a few forms or into one; and that,
51608 whilst this planet has gone cycling on according to the fixed law of
51609 gravity, from so simple a beginning endless forms most beautiful and
51610 most wonderful have been, and are being, evolved.
51613 There is hardly a thing in the world that some man can
51614 not make a little worse and sell a little cheaper.
51616 "There is hopeful symbolism in the fact that flags do not wave in a
51618 -- Arthur C. Clarke
51620 There is in certain living souls
51621 A quality of loneliness unspeakable,
51622 So great it must be shared
51623 As company is shared by lesser beings.
51624 Such a loneliness is mine; so know by this
51626 There is one lonelier than you.
51628 There is, in fact, no reason to believe that any given natural phenomenon,
51629 however marvelous it may seem today, will remain forever inexplicable.
51630 Soon or late the laws governing the production of life itself will be
51631 discovered in the laboratory, and man may set up business as a creator
51632 on his own account. The thing, indeed, is not only conceivable; it is
51633 even highly probable.
51634 -- H. L. Mencken, 1930
51636 There *__
\b\bis* intelligent life on Earth, but I leave for Texas on Monday.
51638 There is is no reason for any individual to have a computer in their home.
51639 -- Ken Olsen (President of Digital Equipment Corporation),
51640 Convention of the World Future Society, in Boston, 1977
51642 There is Jackson standing like a stone wall. Let us determine to die,
51643 and we will conquer. Follow me.
51644 -- General Barnard E. Bee (CSA)
51646 There is more simplicity in a man who eats caviar on impulse than in a
51647 man who eats Grapenuts on principle.
51648 -- G. K. Chesterton
51650 There is more to life than increasing its speed.
51651 -- Mohandas K. Gandhi
51653 There is much Obi-Wan did not tell you.
51656 There is never enough time to do it right the first time, but there is
51657 always enough time to do it over.
51659 There is never time to do it right, but always time to do it over.
51661 There is no act of treachery or mean-ness of which a political party
51662 is not capable; for in politics there is no honour.
51663 -- Benjamin Disraeli, "Vivian Grey"
51665 There is no bad taste. There is only good taste, and that is bad.
51666 -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967)
51668 There is no better way of exercising the imagination than the study of law.
51669 No poet ever interpreted nature as freely as a lawyer interprets truth.
51670 -- Jean Giraudoux, "Tiger at the Gates"
51672 There is no better way to exercise the imagination than the study of the law.
51673 No artist ever interpreted nature as freely as a lawyer interprets the truth.
51676 There is no choice before us. Either we must Succeed in providing
51677 the rational coordination of impulses and guts, or for centuries
51678 civilization will sink into a mere welter of minor excitements.
51679 We must provide a Great Age or see the collapse of the upward
51680 striving of the human race.
51681 -- Alfred North Whitehead
51683 There is no comfort without pain; thus
51684 we define salvation through suffering.
51687 There is no cure for birth and death other than to enjoy the interval.
51688 -- George Santayana
51690 There is no delight the equal of dread.
51691 As long as it is somebody else's.
51694 There is no distinction between any AI program and some existent game.
51696 There is no distinctly native American criminal class except Congress.
51699 There is no doubt that my lawyer is honest. For example, when he
51700 filed his income tax return last year, he declared half of his salary
51701 as "unearned income."
51704 There is no education that is not political. An apolitical
51705 education is also political because it is purposely isolating.
51707 There is no Father Christmas. It's just a marketing ploy to make low income
51708 parents' lives a misery. ... I want you to picture the trusting face of a
51709 child, streaked with tears because of what you just said. I want you to
51710 picture the face of its mother, because one week's dole won't pay for one
51711 Master of the Universe Battlecruiser!
51712 -- Filthy Rich and Catflap
51714 There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear.
51716 There is no fool to the old fool.
51719 There is no future in time travel.
51721 There is no grief which time does not lessen and soften.
51723 There is no hunting like the hunting of man, and those who have hunted
51724 armed men long enough and liked it, never care for anything else thereafter.
51725 -- Ernest Hemingway
51727 There is no likelihood man can ever tap the power of the atom.
51728 -- Robert Millikan, Nobel Prize in Physics, 1923
51730 There is no need to do any housework at all. After the first four years
51731 the dirt doesn't get any worse.
51734 There is no ox so dumb as the orthodox.
51735 -- George Francis Gillette
51737 There is no point in waiting.
51738 The train stopped running years ago.
51739 All the schedules, the brochures,
51740 The bright-colored posters full of lies,
51741 Promise rides to a distant country
51742 That no longer exists.
51744 There is no proverb that is not true.
51747 There is no realizable power that man cannot, in time, fashion the
51748 tools to attain, nor any power so secure that the naked ape will not
51749 abuse it. So it is written in the genetic cards -- only physics and
51750 war hold him in check. And also the wife who wants him home by five,
51752 -- Encyclopedia Apocryphia, 1990 ed.
51754 There is no reason for any individual to have a computer in their home.
51755 -- Ken Olsen, President of DEC, World Future Society
51758 There is no royal road to geometry.
51761 There is no sadder sight than a young pessimist.
51763 There is no satisfaction in hanging a man who does not object to it.
51764 -- George Bernard Shaw
51766 There is no security on this earth. There is only opportunity.
51767 -- General Douglas MacArthur
51769 There is no sin but ignorance.
51770 -- Christopher Marlowe
51772 There is no sincerer love than the love of food.
51773 -- George Bernard Shaw
51775 There is no statute of limitations on stupidity.
51777 There is no substitute for good manners, except, perhaps, fast reflexes.
51779 There *is* no such thing as a civil engineer.
51781 There is no such thing as a free lunch.
51783 There is no such thing as a problem without a gift for you in its hands.
51785 There is no such thing as an ugly woman -- there are only
51786 the ones who do not know how to make themselves attractive.
51789 There is no such thing as fortune. Try again.
51791 There is no such thing as inner peace. There is only nervousness or death.
51792 Any attempt to prove otherwise constitutes unacceptable behaviour.
51793 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life"
51795 There is no such thing as pure pleasure;
51796 some anxiety always goes with it.
51798 There is no time like the pleasant.
51800 There is no time like the present for postponing what you ought to be
51803 There is no TRUTH. There is no REALITY. There is no CONSISTENCY.
51804 There are no ABSOLUTE STATEMENTS. I'm very probably wrong.
51806 There is not a man in the country that can't make a living for himself and
51807 family. But he can't make a living for them *and* his government, too,
51808 the way his government is living. What the government has got to do is
51809 live as cheap as the people.
51810 -- The Best of Will Rogers
51812 There is not much to choose between a woman who deceives
51813 us for another, and a woman who deceives another for ourselves.
51816 There is not opinion so absurd that some philosopher will not express it.
51817 -- Marcus Tullius Cicero, "Ad familiares"
51819 There is nothing more exhilarating than to be shot at without result.
51820 -- Winston Churchill
51822 There is nothing more silly than a silly laugh.
51823 -- Gaius Valerius Catullus
51825 There is nothing new except what has been forgotten.
51826 -- Marie Antoinette
51828 There is nothing so easy but that it becomes difficult
51829 when you do it reluctantly.
51830 -- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence)
51832 There is nothing stranger in a strange land than the stranger who
51835 "There is nothing which cannot be answered by means of my doctrine,"
51836 said a monk, coming into a teahouse where Nasrudin sat. "And yet just
51837 a short time ago, I was challenged by a scholar with an unanswerable
51838 question," said Nasrudin. "I could have answered it if I had been
51839 there." "Very well. He asked, 'Why are you breaking into my house in
51840 the middle of the night?'"
51842 There is nothing wrong with abstinence, in moderation.
51844 There is nothing wrong with Southern California that a rise in the
51845 ocean level wouldn't cure.
51848 There is nothing wrong with writing ... as long as it
51849 is done in private and you wash your hands afterward.
51851 There is one difference between a tax collector and
51852 a taxidermist -- the taxidermist leaves the hide.
51855 There is one way to find out if a man is honest -- ask him. If he says
51856 "Yes" you know he is crooked.
51859 There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and
51860 that is not being talked about.
51863 There is only one way to be happy by means of the heart -- to have none.
51866 There is only one way to console a widow. But remember the risk.
51867 -- Robert A. Heinlein
51869 There is only one way to kill capitalism --
51870 by taxes, taxes, and more taxes.
51873 There is only one word for aid that is genuinely without strings,
51874 and that word is blackmail.
51877 There is perhaps in every thing of any consequence, secret history, which
51878 it would be amusing to know, could we have it authentically communicated.
51881 There is plenty of time before progress goes too far.
51882 -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967)
51884 There is something fascinating about science. One gets such wholesale
51885 returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact.
51888 There is something in the pang of change
51889 More than the heart can bear,
51890 Unhappiness remembering happiness.
51893 There is very little future in being right when your boss is wrong.
51895 There isn't room enough in this dress for both of us!
51897 There may be said to be two classes of people in the world; those who
51898 constantly divide the people of the world into two classes and those
51902 There must be at least 500,000,000 rats in the United
51903 States; of course, I never heard the story before.
51905 There must be more to life than having everything.
51908 There never was a good war or a bad peace.
51909 -- Benjamin Franklin
51911 There once was a girl named Irene
51912 Who lived on distilled kerosene
51913 But she started absorbin'
51915 And since then has never benzene.
51917 There once was a king who ruled his country long, wisely, and well. The
51918 king had a son whom he hoped would someday rule the land. He also wished
51919 in his heart that the son would be wise and compassionate. One day he said
51921 "If you promised that you would give a certain woman anything, even
51922 half of your kingdom, and then she demanded the life of your best friend,
51923 what would your decision be, my son?"
51924 The young prince thought for a moment and then said, "I would tell
51925 her that she was my best friend, and cut her head off."
51926 The king knew that his son would be a great king.
51928 There once was a king who ruled his country long, wisely, and well. The
51929 king had a son whom he hoped would someday rule the land. He also wished
51930 in his heart that the son would be wise and compassionate. One day he said
51932 "If you promised that you would give a certain woman anything, even
51933 half of your kingdom, and then she demanded the life of your best friend,
51934 what would your decision be, my son?"
51935 The young prince thought for a moment and then said, "I would tell
51936 her that the life of my best friend did not lie in the half of the kingdom
51937 that I had promised."
51938 The king knew that his son would be a great king.
51940 There once was a member of Mensa
51941 Who was a most excellent fencer.
51942 The sword that he used
51943 Was his -- (line is refused,
51944 And has now been removed by the censor).
51946 There once was an old man from Esser,
51947 Who's knowledge grew lesser and lesser.
51948 It at last grew so small,
51949 He knew nothing at all,
51950 And now he's a College Professor.
51952 There seems no plan because it is all plan.
51955 There was a boy called Eustace Clarence Scrubb, and he almost deserved it.
51956 -- C. S. Lewis, "The Chronicles of Narnia"
51958 There was a little girl
51959 Who had a little curl
51960 Right in the middle of her forehead.
51961 When she was good, she was very, very good
51962 And when she was bad, she was very, very popular.
51963 -- Max Miller, "The Max Miller Blue Book"
51965 There was a man who enjoyed playing golf, and could occasionally put up
51966 with taking in a round with his wife. One time (with his wife along) he
51967 was having an extremely bad round. On the 12th hole, he sliced a drive
51968 over by a grounds-keepers' shack. Although he did not have a clear shot
51969 to the green, his wife noticed that there were two doors on the shack,
51970 and there was a possibility that, if both doors were opened, he might be
51971 able to hit through. Without hesitation, he instructed his wife to go
51972 around to the other side and open the far door. Sure enough, this gave
51973 him a clear path to the green. He stepped up to his ball and prepared
51974 to hit. His wife had been standing by the far door waiting for him to
51975 hit through. After a moment, she became curious and stuck her head in
51976 the doorway, to see what he was doing. At that exact moment, the husband
51977 cracked a three-wood that hit his wife square on the forehead, killing
51978 her instantly. A few weeks later, the man was playing a round at the same
51979 course, this time with a friend of his. Once again on the 12th hole, he
51980 sliced his drive to the shack. His friend suggested that he might be able
51981 to hit through, if he was to open both doors.
51982 "Nah", replied the man, "Last time I did that I took a 7".
51984 There was a phone call for you.
51986 There was a plane crash over mid-ocean, and only three survivors were
51987 left in the life-raft: the Pope, the President, and Mayor Daley.
51988 Unfortunately, it was a one-man life-raft, and quickly sinking, so they
51989 started debating who should be allowed to stay.
51991 The Pope pointed out that he was the spiritual leader of millions all
51992 over the world, the President explained that if he died then America
51993 would be stuck with the Vice-President, and so forth. Then Mayor Daley
51994 said, "Look! We're not solving anything like this! The only fair
51995 thing to do is to vote on it." So they did, and Mayor Daley won by 97
51998 There was a writer in 'Life' magazine ... who claimed that rabbits have
51999 no memory, which is one of their defensive mechanisms. If they recalled
52000 every close shave they had in the course of just an hour life would become
52004 There was a young lady from Hyde
52005 Who ate a green apple and died.
52006 While her lover lamented
52007 The apple fermented
52008 And made cider inside her inside.
52010 There was a young man from Brazil,
52011 And a lady who'd not take the pill,
52012 They lay on the sofa,
52013 And a
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52014 n~po_
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52017 There was a young man from LeDoux,
52018 Whose limericks stopped at line two.
52020 There was a young man from Verdunne.
52022 [Actually, there are three limericks in this series, the third one
52023 is about some guy named Nero. If anyone has a copy of it, please
52024 mail it to "fortune". Ed.]
52026 There was a young man who said "God,
52027 I find it exceedingly odd,
52028 That the willow oak tree
52030 When there's no one about in the Quad."
52032 "Dear Sir, your astonishment's odd,
52033 For I'm always about in the Quad;
52034 And that's why the tree,
52036 Signed "Yours faithfully, God."
52038 There was a young poet named Dan,
52039 Whose poetry never would scan.
52040 When told this was so,
52041 He said, "Yes, I know.
52042 It's because I try to put every possible syllable into that last line that I can."
52044 There was an interesting development in the CBS-Westmoreland trial:
52045 both sides agreed that after the trial, Andy Rooney would be allowed to
52046 talk to the jury for three minutes about little things that annoyed him
52050 There was an old Indian belief that by making love on the hide of
52051 their favorite animal, one could guarantee the health and prosperity
52052 of the offspring conceived thereupon. And so it goes that one Indian
52053 couple made love on a buffalo hide. Nine months later, they were
52054 blessed with a healthy baby son. Yet another couple huddled together
52055 on the hide of a deer and they too were blessed with a very healthy
52056 baby son. But a third couple, whose favorite animal was a hippopotamus,
52057 were blessed with not one, but TWO very healthy baby sons at the conclusion
52058 of the nine month interval. All of which proves the old theorem that:
52059 The sons of the squaw of the hippopotamus are equal to the sons of
52060 the squaws of the other two hides.
52062 There was, it appeared, a mysterious rite of initiation through which,
52063 in one way or another, almost every member of the team passed. The term
52064 that the old hands used for this rite -- West invented the term, not the
52065 practice -- was `signing up.' By signing up for the project you agreed
52066 to do whatever was necessary for success. You agreed to forsake, if
52067 necessary, family, hobbies, and friends -- if you had any of these left
52068 (and you might not, if you had signed up too many times before).
52069 -- Tracy Kidder, "The Soul of a New Machine"
52071 There was this New Yorker that had a lifelong ambition to be a Texan.
52072 Fortunately, he had a Texan friend and went to him for advice. "Mike,
52073 you know I've always wanted to be a Texan. You're a *real* Texan, what
52075 "Well," answered Mike, "The first thing you've got to do is look
52076 like a Texan. That means you have to dress right. The second thing
52077 you've got to do is speak in a southern drawl."
52078 "Thanks, Mike, I'll give it a try," replied the New Yorker.
52079 A few weeks passed and the New Yorker saunters into a store dressed
52080 in a ten-gallon hat, cowboy boots, Levi jeans and a bandanna. "Hey, there,
52081 pardner, I'd like some beef, not too rare, and some of them fresh biscuits,"
52082 he tells the counterman.
52083 The guy behind the counter takes a long look at him and then says,
52084 "You must be from New York."
52085 The New Yorker blushes, and says, "Well, yes, I am. How did
52087 "Because this is a hardware store."
52089 There were in this country two very large monopolies. The larger of
52090 the two had the following record: the Vietnam War, Watergate, double-
52091 digit inflation, fuel and energy shortages, bankrupt airlines, and the
52092 8-cent postcard. The second was responsible for such things as the
52093 transistor, the solar cell, lasers, synthetic crystals, high fidelity
52094 stereo recording, sound motion pictures, radio astronomy, negative
52095 feedback, magnetic tape, magnetic "bubbles", electronic switching
52096 systems, microwave radio and TV relay systems, information theory, the
52097 first electrical digital computer, and the first communications
52098 satellite. Guess which one got to tell the other how to run the
52099 telephone business?
52101 There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when
52102 the boss asks for a lift home from the office.
52104 There will be big changes for you but you will be happy.
52106 There will be sex after death, we just won't be able to feel it.
52109 Therefore it is necessary to learn how not to be good, and to use
52110 this knowledge and not use it, according to the necessity of the cause.
52113 There's a couple of million dollars worth of baseball talent on the loose,
52114 ready for the big leagues, yet unsigned by any major league. There are
52115 pitchers who would win 20 games a season ... and outfielders [who] could
52116 hit .350, infielders who could win recognition as stars, and there's at
52117 least one catcher who at this writing is probably superior to Bill Dickey,
52118 Josh Gibson. Only one thing is keeping them out of the big leagues, the
52119 pigmentation of their skin. They happen to be colored.
52120 -- Shirley Povich, 1941
52122 There's a fine line between courage and foolishness. Too bad it's not
52125 There's a lesson that I need to remember
52126 When everything is falling apart
52127 In life, just like in loving
52128 There's such a thing as trying to hard
52131 Like you don't need the money
52132 Love like you'll never get hurt
52134 Like nobody's watching
52135 It's gotta come from the heart
52136 If you want it to work.
52139 There's a long-standing bug relating to the x86 architecture that
52140 allows you to install Windows.
52141 -- Matthew D. Fuller
52143 There's a lot to be said for not saying a lot.
52145 There's a man deeply in debt, see, and he takes the money he has left
52146 and goes to Monte Carlo to try to recoup at the roulette tables. Won a
52147 little, lost a lot, and was down to his last franc. Prayed for help.
52148 A voice whispered in his ear: "Le rouge..." Man looked around; nobody
52149 there. What the hell -- he puts his last franc on the red, and it won.
52150 The voice immediately said, "Encore le rouge..." Played red again, and
52151 it won again. The voice said, "Impair..." Played odd, and it won. Voice
52152 said, "Quinze..." so he put all the money on 15, and it won. This went
52153 on for hours, the voice telling him what to bet, and the man putting all
52154 his money on what the voice said, and winning. Finally when the voice
52155 spoke, the man protested that he'd won millions of dollars and wanted to
52156 quit. The voice was inexorable: "Douze..." The man put the money on 12,
52157 and 11 came up -- he had lost everything -- the voice murmured "Merde!!"
52159 There's a thrill in store for all for we're about to toast
52160 The corporation that we represent.
52161 We're here to cheer each pioneer and also proudly boast,
52162 Of that man of men our sterling president
52163 The name of T. J. Watson means
52164 A courage none can stem
52165 And we feel honored to be here to toast the IBM.
52166 -- Ever Onward, from the 1940 IBM Songbook
52168 There's a trick to the Graceful Exit. It begins with the vision to
52169 recognize when a job, a life stage, a relationship is over -- and to
52170 let go. It means leaving what's over without denying its validity
52171 or its past importance in our lives. It involves a sense of future,
52172 a belief that every exit line is an entry, that we are moving on,
52173 rather than out. The trick of retiring well may be the trick of
52174 living well. It's hard to recognize that life isn't a holding
52175 action, but a process. It's hard to learn that we don't leave the
52176 best parts of ourselves behind, back in the dugout or the office.
52177 We own what we learned back there. The experiences and the growth
52178 are grafted onto our lives. And when we exit, we can take ourselves
52179 along -- quite gracefully.
52182 There's a whole WORLD in a mud puddle!
52185 There's always free cheese in a mousetrap.
52187 There's an old proverb that says just about whatever you want it to.
52189 There's got to be more to life than compile-and-go.
52191 There's just something I don't like about Virginia; the state.
52193 There's little in taking or giving,
52194 There's little in water or wine:
52195 This living, this living, this living,
52196 Was never a project of mine.
52197 Oh, hard is the struggle, and sparse is
52198 The gain of the one at the top,
52199 For art is a form of catharsis,
52200 And love is a permanent flop,
52201 And work is the province of cattle,
52202 And rest's for a clam in a shell,
52203 So I'm thinking of throwing the battle --
52204 Would you kindly direct me to hell?
52207 There's no easy quick way out, we're gonna have to live through our
52208 whole lives, win, lose, or draw.
52211 There's no future in time travel.
52213 There's no heavier burden than a great potential.
52215 There's no justice in this world.
52216 -- Frank Costello, on the prosecution of "Lucky" Luciano by
52217 New York district attorney Thomas Dewey after Luciano had
52218 saved Dewey from assassination by Dutch Schultz (by ordering
52219 the assassination of Schultz instead)
52222 There's no point in being grown up if you can't be childish sometimes.
52225 There's no real need to do housework -- after four years it doesn't get
52228 There's no room in the drug world for amateurs.
52231 There's no saint like a reformed sinner.
52233 There's no sense in being precise when you don't even know
52234 what you're talking about.
52235 -- John von Neumann
52237 There's no such thing as an original sin.
52240 There's no such thing as pure pleasure; some anxiety always goes with it.
52242 There's no time like the pleasant.
52244 There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government
52248 There's no use being precise about something
52249 when you don't even know what you're talking about.
52250 -- John von Neumann
52252 There's no use in having a dog and doing your own barking.
52254 "There's nothing in the middle of the road but a yellow stripe and dead
52256 -- Jim Hightower, Texas Agricultural Commissioner
52258 There's nothing like a girl with a plunging
52259 neckline to keep a man on his toes.
52261 There's nothing like a good does of another woman to make a man appreciate
52263 -- Clare Booth Luce
52265 There's nothing like good food, good wine, and a bad girl.
52267 There's nothing like the face of a kid eating a Hershey bar.
52269 There's nothing remarkable about it. All one has to do is hit the right
52270 keys at the right time and the instrument plays itself.
52273 There's nothing so precious as a cafe full of Gap kiddies trying to
52274 work out whether you're really wearing rubber pants.
52277 There's nothing to writing. All you do is sit at a typewriter
52281 There's nothing very mysterious about you, except that
52282 nobody really knows your origin, purpose, or destination.
52284 There's nothing worse for your business than
52285 extra Santa Clauses smoking in the men's room.
52288 "There's nothing wrong with teenagers that reasoning with them won't
52291 There's one consolation about matrimony. When you look around you can
52292 always see somebody who did worse.
52293 -- Warren H. Goldsmith
52295 There's one fool at least in every married couple.
52297 There's only one everything.
52299 There's only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn
52300 what it is I'll get married again.
52303 There's small choice in rotten apples.
52304 -- William Shakespeare, "The Taming of the Shrew"
52306 There's so much plastic in this culture that vinyl leopard skin is
52307 becoming an endangered synthetic.
52310 There's so much to say but your eyes keep interrupting me.
52312 There's something different about us -- different from people of Europe,
52313 Africa, Asia ... a deep and abiding belief in the Easter Bunny.
52316 There's something the technicians need to learn from the artists.
52317 If it isn't aesthetically pleasing, it's probably wrong.
52319 There's such a thing as too much point on a pencil.
52320 -- H. Allen Smith, "Let the Crabgrass Grow"
52322 There's too much beauty upon this earth for lonely men to bear.
52323 -- Richard Le Gallienne
52325 These activities have their own rules and methods
52326 of concealment which seek to mislead and obscure.
52327 -- Dwight D. Eisenhower, 1960
52329 "These are DARK TIMES for all mankind's HIGHEST VALUES!"
52330 "These are DARK TIMES for FREEDOM and PROSPERITY!"
52331 "These are GREAT TIMES to put your money on BAD GUY to kick the CRAP
52332 out of MEGATON MAN!"
52334 These days the necessities of life cost you about three times what they
52335 used to, and half the time they aren't even fit to drink.
52337 They also serve who only stand and wait.
52340 They also surf who only stand on waves.
52342 They are called computers simply because computation is
52343 the only significant job that has so far been given to them.
52345 They are cold-blooded. They are completely ruthless about protecting
52346 what they have. The only thing they connect to is the money aspect of
52347 life. Let's face it: That's the American way.
52348 -- Jeffrey M. Johnson, regional chairman of the District
52349 of Columbia United Way, speaking of drug dealers.
52351 They are ill discoverers that think there is no land,
52352 when they can see nothing but sea.
52355 They are relatively good but absolutely terrible.
52356 -- Alan Kay, commenting on Apollos
52358 They call them "squares" because it's the
52359 most complicated shape they can deal with.
52361 They can't stop us... we're on a mission from God!
52362 -- The Blues Brothers
52364 They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist...
52365 -- Civil War General John Sedgwick, his last
52366 words, Battle of Spotsylvania Court House, 1864
52368 They [District Attorneys] learn in District Attorney School that there
52369 are two sure-fire ways to get a lot of favorable publicity:
52371 (1) Go down and raid all the lockers in the local high school and confiscate
52372 53 marijuana cigarettes and put them in a pile and hold a press
52373 conference where you announce that they have a street value of $850
52374 million. These raids never fail, because ALL high schools, including
52375 brand-new, never-used ones, have at least 53 marijuana cigarettes in
52376 the lockers. As far as anyone can tell, the locker factory puts them
52378 (2) Raid an "adult book store" and hold a press conference where you announce
52379 you are charging the owner with 850 counts of being a piece of human
52380 sleaze. This also never fails, because you always get a conviction.
52381 A juror at a pornography trial is not about to state for the record
52382 that he finds nothing obscene about a movie where actors engage in
52383 sexual activities with live snakes and a fire extinguisher. He is
52384 going to convict the bookstore owner, and vote for the death penalty
52385 just to make sure nobody gets the wrong impression.
52386 -- Dave Barry, "Pornography"
52388 They don't know how the world is shaped. And so they give it a shape, and
52389 try to make everything fit it. They separate the right from the left, the
52390 man from the woman, the plant from the animal, the sun from the moon. They
52391 only want to count to two.
52392 -- Emma Bull, "Bone Dance"
52394 They don't suffer. They can't even speak English.
52395 -- George F. Baer, answering a reporter's
52396 question about the suffering of starving miners.
52398 They finally got King Midas, I hear. Gild by association.
52400 They have been at a great feast of languages, and stolen the scraps.
52401 -- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost"
52403 They just buzzed and buzzed...buzzed.
52405 They make a desert and call it peace.
52406 -- Tacitus (55?-120?)
52408 They say it's the responsibility of the media to look at government --
52409 especially the president -- with a microscope. I don't argue with that,
52410 but when they use a proctoscope, it's going too far.
52413 They seem to have learned the habit of cowering before authority even when
52414 not actually threatened. How very nice for authority. I decided not to
52415 learn this particular lesson.
52416 -- Richard Stallman
52418 They sentenced me to twenty years of boredom for trying to change the
52419 system from within. I'm coming now I'm coming to reward them. First
52420 we take Manhattan, then we take Berlin.
52422 I'm guided by a signal in the heavens. I'm guided by this birthmark on
52423 my skin. I'm guided by the beauty of our weapons. First we take Manhattan,
52424 then we take Berlin.
52426 I'd really like to live beside you, baby. I love your body and your spirit
52427 and your clothes. But you see that line there moving through the station?
52428 I told you I told you I told you I was one of those.
52429 -- Leonard Cohen, "First We Take Manhattan"
52431 They spell it "da Vinci" and pronounce it "da Vinchy". Foreigners
52432 always spell better than they pronounce.
52435 They spell it Vinci and pronounce it Vinchy.
52436 Foreigners always spell better than they pronounce.
52439 They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary
52440 safety deserve neither liberty nor safety.
52441 -- Benjamin Franklin, 1759
52443 They told me I was gullible ... and I believed them!
52445 They told me you had proven it When they discovered our results
52446 About a month before. Their hair began to curl
52447 The proof was valid, more or less Instead of understanding it
52448 But rather less than more. We'd run the thing through PRL.
52450 He sent them word that we would try Don't tell a soul about all this
52451 To pass where they had failed For it must ever be
52452 And after we were done, to them A secret, kept from all the rest
52453 The new proof would be mailed. Between yourself and me.
52455 My notion was to start again
52456 Ignoring all they'd done
52457 We quickly turned it into code
52458 To see if it would run.
52460 They took some of the Van Goghs, most
52461 of the jewels, and all of the Chivas!
52463 They Tore Out My Heart and Stomped That Sucker Flat
52464 -- Book title by Lewis Grizzard
52466 They use different words for things in America.
52467 For instance they say elevator and we say lift.
52468 They say drapes and we say curtains.
52469 They say president and we say brain damaged git.
52472 They went rushing down that freeway,
52473 Messed around and got lost.
52474 They didn't care... they were just dying to get off,
52475 And it was life in the fast lane.
52476 -- Eagles, "Life in the Fast Lane"
52478 They will only cause the lower classes to move about needlessly.
52479 -- The Duke of Wellington, on early steam railroads
52481 They wouldn't listen to the fact that I was a genius,
52482 The man said "We got all that we can use",
52483 So I've got those steadily-depressin', low-down, mind-messin',
52484 Working-at-the-car-wash blues.
52487 They're an insidious bunch, your killer pianos. Had one get loose on me
52488 back in '62. It slipped out of the cables while we were lowering it out
52489 of its twelfth story apartment, and crushed six innocents in an insane bid
52493 They're giving bank robbing a bad name.
52494 -- John Dillinger, on Bonnie and Clyde
52496 They're just jealous because they don't have three
52497 wise men and a virgin in the whole organization.
52498 -- Mayor Vincent J. `Buddy' Cianci, on the
52499 ACLU's suit to have a city nativity scene removed.
52501 They're only trying to make me LOOK paranoid!
52503 "They're unfriendly, which is fortunate, really. They'd be difficult
52507 Thieves respect property; they merely wish the property to become
52508 their property that they may more perfectly respect it.
52509 -- G. K. Chesterton, "The Man Who Was Thursday"
52511 Things are more like they are today than they ever were before.
52512 -- Dwight D. Eisenhower
52514 Things are more like they used to be than they are now.
52516 Things are not always what they seem.
52519 Things equal to nothing else are equal to each other.
52521 Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold.
52523 Things past redress and now with me past care.
52524 -- William Shakespeare, "Richard II"
52526 Things will be bright in P.M. A cop will shine a light in your face.
52528 Things will get better despite our efforts to improve them.
52531 Things worth having are worth cheating for.
52533 Think big. Pollute the Mississippi.
52535 Think honk if you're a telepath.
52537 Think lucky. If you fall in a pond, check your pockets for fish.
52540 Think of it! With VLSI we can pack 100 ENIACs in 1 sq. cm.!
52542 Think of your family tonight. Try to crawl home after the computer
52548 Think twice before speaking, but don't say "think think click click".
52550 Thinking you know something is a sure way to blind yourself.
52551 -- Frank Herbert, "Chapterhouse: Dune"
52553 Thinks't thou existence doth depend on time?
52554 It doth; but actions are our epochs; mine
52555 Have made my days and nights imperishable,
52556 Endless, and all alike, as sands on the shore,
52557 Innumerable atoms; and one desert,
52558 Barren and cold, on which the wild waves break,
52559 But nothing rests, save carcasses and wrecks,
52560 Rocks, and the salt-surf weeds of bitterness.
52562 Thirteen at a table is unlucky only
52563 when the hostess has only twelve chops.
52566 Thirty days hath Septober,
52567 April, June, and no wonder.
52568 all the rest have peanut butter
52569 except my father who wears red suspenders.
52571 Thirty white horses on a red hill,
52574 Then they stand still.
52577 This ae nighte, this ae nighte,
52578 Everye nighte and alle,
52579 Fire and sleet and candlelyte,
52580 And Christe receive thy saule.
52581 -- The Lykewake Dirge
52583 This "brain-damaged" epithet is getting sorely overworked. When we can
52584 speak of someone or something being flawed, impaired, marred, spoiled;
52585 batty, bedlamite, bonkers, buggy, cracked, crazed, cuckoo, daft, demented,
52586 deranged, loco, lunatic, mad, maniac, mindless, non compos mentis, nuts,
52587 Reaganite, screwy, teched, unbalanced, unsound, witless, wrong; senseless,
52588 spastic, spasmodic, convulsive; doped, spaced-out, stoned, zonked; {beef,
52589 beetle,block,dung,thick}headed, dense, doltish, dull, duncical, numskulled,
52590 pinhead; asinine, fatuous, foolish, silly, simple; brute, lumbering, oafish;
52591 half-assed, incompetent; backward, retarded, imbecilic, moronic; when we have
52592 a whole precisely nuanced vocabulary of intellectual abuse to draw upon,
52593 individually and in combination, isn't it a little <fill in the blank> to be
52594 limited to a single, now quite trite, adjective?
52596 This door is baroquen, please wiggle Handel.
52597 (If I wiggle Handel, will it wiggle Bach?)
52598 -- Found on a door in the MSU music building
52600 This dungeon is owned and operated by Frobazz Magic Co., Ltd.
52602 This file will self-destruct in five minutes.
52604 This fortune cookie program out of order. For those in desperate need,
52605 please use the program "________
\b\b\b\b\b\b\b\brandchar". This program generates random
52606 characters, and, given enough time, will undoubtedly come up with
52607 something profound. It will, however, take it no time at all to be
52608 more profound than THIS program has ever been.
52610 This fortune cookie program out of order. For those in desperate
52611 need, please use the program "randchar". This program generates
52612 random characters, and, given enough time, will undoubtedly come
52613 up with something profound. It will, however, take it no time at
52614 all to be more profound than THIS program has ever been.
52616 This Fortune Examined By INSPECTOR NO. 2-14
52618 This fortune intentionally not included.
52620 This fortune intentionally says nothing.
52622 This fortune is dedicated to your mother, without whose
52623 invaluable assistance last night would never have been possible.
52625 This fortune is encrypted -- get your decoder rings ready!
52627 This fortune is false.
52629 This fortune is inoperative. Please try another.
52631 This fortune soaks up 47 times its own weight in excess memory.
52633 This fortune was brought to you by the people at Hewlett-Packard.
52635 This fortune would be seven words long if it were six words shorter.
52637 This generation doesn't have emotional baggage.
52638 We have emotional moving vans.
52641 This guy runs into his house and yells to his wife, "Kathy, pack up your
52642 bags! I just won the California lottery!"
52643 "Honey!", Kathy exclaims, "Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?"
52644 "I don't care," responds the husband. "just so long as you're out
52645 of the house by dinner!"
52647 "This is a country where people are free to practice their religion,
52648 regardless of race, creed, color, obesity, or number of dangling
52651 This is a good time to punt work.
52653 "This is a job for BOB VIOLENCE and SCUM, the INCREDIBLY STUPID MUTANT
52657 "This is a test of the Emergency Broadcast System. If this had been an
52658 actual emergency, do you really think we'd stick around to tell you?"
52660 This is a test of the emergency broadcast system.
52661 Had there been an actual emergency, then you would no longer be here.
52663 This is an especially good time for you vacationers who plan to fly,
52664 because the Reagan administration, as part of the same policy under
52665 which it recently sold Yellowstone National Park to Wayne Newton, has
52666 "deregulated" the airline industry. What this means for you, the
52667 consumer, is that the airlines are no longer required to follow any
52668 rules whatsoever. They can show snuff movies. They can charge for
52669 oxygen. They can hire pilots right out of Vending Machine Refill
52670 Person School. They can conserve fuel by ejecting husky passengers
52671 over water. They can ram competing planes in mid-air. These
52672 innovations have resulted in tremendous cost savings which have been
52673 passed along to you, the consumer, in the form of flights with
52674 amazingly low fares, such as $29. Of course, certain restrictions do
52675 apply, the main one being that all these flights take you to Newark,
52676 and you must pay thousands of dollars if you want to fly back out.
52677 -- Dave Barry, "Iowa -- Land of Secure Vacations"
52679 This is an unauthorized cybernetic announcement.
52681 This is Betty Frenel. I don't know who to call but I can't reach my
52682 Food-a-holics partner. I'm at Vido's on my second pizza with sausage
52683 and mushroom. Jim, come and get me!
52685 This is clearly another case of too many mad scientists,
52686 and not enough hunchbacks.
52688 This is for all ill-treated fellows
52689 Unborn and unbegot,
52690 For them to read when they're in trouble
52694 This is Jim Rockford.
52695 At the tone leave your name and message; I'll get back to you.
\a
52697 "This is lemma 1.1. We start a new chapter so the numbers all go back
52699 -- Prof. Seager, C&O 351
52701 This is Maria, Liberty Bail Bonds. Your client, Todd Lieman, skipped and
52702 his bail is forfeit. That's the pink slip on your '74 Firebird, I believe.
52703 Sorry, Jim, bring it on over.
52705 This is Marilyn Reed, I wanta talk to you... Is this a machine?
52706 I don't talk to machines! [Click]
52708 This is National Non-Dairy Creamer Week.
52710 This is NOT a repeat.
52712 This is not the age of pamphleteers. It is the age of the engineers. The
52713 spark-gap is mightier than the pen. Democracy will not be salvaged by men
52714 who talk fluently, debate forcefully and quote aptly.
52715 -- Lancelot Hogben, Science for the Citizen, 1938
52717 THIS IS PLEDGE WEEK FOR THE FORTUNE PROGRAM
52719 If you like the fortune program, why not support it now with your
52720 contribution of a pithy fortune, clean or obscene? We cannot continue
52721 without your support. Less than 14% of all fortune users are
52722 contributors. That means that 86% of you are getting a free ride. We
52723 can't go on like this much longer. Federal cutbacks mean less money
52724 for fortunes, and unless user contributions increase to make up the
52725 difference, the fortune program will have to shut down between midnight
52726 and 8 a.m. Don't let this happen. Mail your fortunes right now to
52727 "fortune". Just type in your favorite pithy saying. Do it now before
52728 you forget. Our target is 300 new fortunes by the end of the week.
52729 Don't miss out. All fortunes will be acknowledged. If you contribute
52730 30 fortunes or more, you will receive a free subscription to "The
52731 Fortune Hunter", our monthly program guide. If you contribute 50 or
52732 more, you will receive a free "Fortune Hunter" coffee mug ...
52734 This is supposed to be a happy occasion.
52735 Let's not BICKER and ARGUE over who killed who!
52737 This is the Baron. Angel Martin tells me you buy information. Ok,
52738 meet me at one a.m. behind the bus depot, bring five-hundred dollars
52739 and come alone. I'm serious!
52741 This is the first age that's paid much attention to the future,
52742 which is a little ironic since we may not have one.
52743 -- Arthur C. Clarke
52745 This is the first numerical problem I ever did. It demonstrates the
52746 power of computers:
52748 Enter lots of data on calorie & nutritive content of foods. Instruct
52749 the thing to maximize a function describing nutritive content, with a
52750 minimum level of each component, for fixed caloric content. The
52751 results are that one should eat each day:
52755 1 glass of skim milk
52756 27 heads of lettuce.
52757 -- Rev. Adrian Melott
52759 This is the ____
\b\b\b\bLAST time I take travel suggestions from Ray Bradbury!
52761 This is the sort of English up with which I will not put.
52762 -- Winston Churchill
52764 This is the story of the bee
52765 Whose sex is very hard to see
52767 You cannot tell the he from the she
52768 But she can tell, and so can he
52770 The little bee is never still
52771 She has no time to take the pill
52773 And that is why, in times like these
52774 There are so many sons of bees.
52776 This is the theory that Jack built.
52777 This is the flaw that lay in the theory that Jack built.
52778 This is the palpable verbal haze that hid the flaw that lay in...
52780 This is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.
52781 And now you know why.
52783 This is the way the world ends,
52784 This is the way the world ends,
52785 This is the way the world ends,
52786 Not with a bang but with a whimper.
52787 -- T. S. Eliot, "The Hollow Men"
52789 This is your fortune.
52791 This isn't right. This isn't even wrong.
52792 -- Wolfgang Pauli, on a colleague's paper
52794 This isn't true in practice -- what we've missed out is Stradivarius's
52795 constant. And then the aside: "For those of you who don't know, that's
52796 been called by others the fiddle factor..."
52797 -- From a 1B Electrical Engineering lecture
52799 This land is full of trousers!
52800 this land is full of mausers!
52801 And pussycats to eat them when the sun goes down!
52802 -- The Firesign Theatre
52804 This land is made of mountains,
52805 This land is made of mud,
52806 This land has lots of everything,
52807 For me and Elmer Fudd.
52809 This land has lots of trousers,
52810 This land has lots of mousers,
52811 And pussycats to eat them
52812 When the sun goes down.
52814 This land is my land, and only my land,
52815 I've got a shotgun, and you ain't got one,
52816 If you don't get off, I'll blow your head off,
52817 This land is private property.
52818 -- Apologies to Woody Guthrie
52820 This life is a test. It is only a test. Had this been an actual life,
52821 you would have received further instructions as to what to do and where
52824 This life is yours. Some of it was given
52825 to you; the rest, you made yourself.
52827 This login session: $13.99
52829 This login session: $13.99, but for you $11.88
52831 This must be morning. I never could get the hang of mornings.
52833 This night methinks is but the daylight sick.
52834 -- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"
52836 This novel is not to be tossed lightly aside, but to be hurled with
52840 This one is for all you military types. For those who don't know, Rangers
52841 are *extremely* well trained members of the U.S. Army. Marines are people
52842 who start out as normal soldiers and then are made to believe that bullets
52843 don't actually hurt.
52844 One day a platoon of Marines are on patrol when they come upon a
52845 Ranger relaxing on top of a small hill. The Ranger puts his hands on his
52846 hips and screams out, "Do any of you seaweed sucking jarheads think you're
52847 man enough to take me on?"
52848 The biggest Marine comes running up the hill, screaming back at the
52849 Ranger. When he gets to the top he simply plows into his foe and the two
52850 tumble down the other side of the hill, out of sight. There is the sound of
52851 a horrendous fight for a moment or two, and then all is quiet. Soon, the
52852 Ranger reappears, quite untouched. He puts his hands on his hips and sneers,
52853 "Well, looks to me like one of you couldn't do it, how about the rest?"
52854 The enraged Marine platoon leader sends his entire platoon (30+men)
52855 charging after the Ranger. They all go tumbling down the far side of the hill.
52856 After 15 minutes of screaming and yelling and cursing a lone, bloodied Marine
52857 crawls over the top of the hill. The platoon leader yells up to his man,
52858 "What's going on up there?" The wounded Marine, with his last bit of breath,
52859 replies, "Sir, it's a... a trap, sir. They're two of them!"
52861 This place just isn't big enough for all of us. We've
52862 got to find a way off this planet.
52864 This planet has -- or rather had -- a problem, which was this: most of
52865 the people living on it were unhappy for pretty much of the time. Many
52866 solutions were suggested for this problem, but most of these were
52867 largely concerned with the movements of small green pieces of paper,
52868 which is odd because on the whole it wasn't the small green pieces of
52869 paper that were unhappy.
52870 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
52872 "This process can check if this value is zero, and if it is, it does
52873 something child-like."
52874 -- Forbes Burkowski, Computer Science 454
52876 This process can check if this value is zero, and if it is, it does
52877 something child-like.
52878 -- Forbes Burkowski, CS, University of Washington
52880 This product is meant for educational purposes only. Any resemblance to real
52881 persons, living or dead is purely coincidental. Void where prohibited. Some
52882 assembly may be required. Batteries not included. Contents may settle during
52883 shipment. Use only as directed. May be too intense for some viewers. If
52884 condition persists, consult your physician. No user-serviceable parts inside.
52885 Breaking seal constitutes acceptance of agreement. Not responsible for direct,
52886 indirect, incidental or consequential damages resulting from any defect, error
52887 or failure to perform. Slippery when wet. For office use only. Substantial
52888 penalty for early withdrawal. Do not write below this line. Your cancelled
52889 check is your receipt. Avoid contact with skin. Employees and their families
52890 are not eligible. Beware of dog. Driver does not carry cash. Limited time
52891 offer, call now to ensure prompt delivery. Use only in well-ventilated area.
52892 Keep away from fire or flame. Some equipment shown is optional. Price does
52893 not include taxes, dealer prep, or delivery. Penalty for private use. Call
52894 toll free before digging. Some of the trademarks mentioned in this product
52895 appear for identification purposes only. All models over 18 years of age. Do
52896 not use while operating a motor vehicle or heavy equipment. Postage will be
52897 paid by addressee. Apply only to affected area. One size fits all. Many
52898 suitcases look alike. Edited for television. No solicitors. Reproduction
52899 strictly prohibited. Restaurant package, not for resale. Objects in mirror
52900 are closer than they appear. Decision of judges is final. This supersedes
52901 all previous notices. No other warranty expressed or implied.
52903 This quote is taken from the Diamondback, the University of Maryland
52904 student newspaper, of Tuesday, 3/10/87.
52906 One disadvantage of the Univac system is that it does not use
52907 Unix, a recently developed program which translates from one
52908 computer language to another and has a built-in editing system
52909 which identifies errors in the original program.
52911 This sad little lizard told me that he was a brontosaurus on his
52912 mother's side. I did not laugh; people who boast of ancestry
52913 often have little else to sustain them. Humoring them costs nothing and
52914 adds happiness in a world in which happiness is always in short supply.
52917 This screen intentionally left blank.
52919 This sentence contradicts itself -- no actually it doesn't.
52920 -- Douglas Hofstadter
52922 This sentence does in fact not have the property it claims not to have.
52924 This sentence no verb.
52926 This system will self-destruct in five minutes.
52928 This thing all things devours:
52929 Birds, beasts, trees, flowers;
52930 Gnaws iron, bites steel;
52931 Grinds hard stones to meal;
52932 Slays king, ruins town,
52933 And beats high mountain down.
52935 This unit... must... survive.
52937 This universe shipped by weight, not by volume. Some expansion of the
52938 contents may have occurred during shipment.
52940 This was a Golden Age, a time of high adventure, rich living, and hard
52941 dying... but nobody thought so. This was a future of fortune and theft,
52942 pillage and rapine, culture and vice... but nobody admitted it.
52943 -- Alfred Bester, "The Stars My Destination"
52945 This was the most unkindest cut of all.
52946 -- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar"
52948 This wasn't just plain terrible, this was fancy terrible.
52949 This was terrible with raisins in it.
52952 This week only, all our fiber-fill jackets are marked down!
52954 This will be a memorable month -- no matter how hard you try to forget
52957 This yuppie, see, was in a car wreck. His BMW was mangled, and so was he.
52958 The paramedic was leaning over him getting his vitals, and all the yup
52959 could groan was "My BMW! My BMW!"
52960 The paramedic tried to quiet the man, pointing out that his car
52961 wasn't his chief concern at the moment, especially as he'd been rearranged
52962 pretty badly himself -- for example, his left arm was severed at the elbow
52963 and was lying about twenty feet away.
52964 There was a moment of stunned silence from the yup followed by
52965 "Oh no! My Rolex! My Rolex!"
52967 Those lovable Brits department:
52968 They also have trouble pronouncing `vitamin'.
52970 Those of you who think you know everything are very annoying to those
52973 Those of you who think you know everything
52974 are annoying those of us who do.
52976 Those of you who think you know it all upset those of us who do.
52978 Those parts of the system that you can hit with a hammer (not advised)
52979 are called hardware; those program instructions that you can only curse
52980 at are called software.
52981 -- Levitating Trains and Kamikaze Genes: Technological
52982 Literacy for the 1990's.
52984 Those who are mentally and emotionally healthy are those who have
52985 learned when to say yes, when to say no and when to say whoopee.
52988 Those who believe in astrology are living in houses with foundations of
52992 Those who can, do. Those who can't, simulate.
52994 Those who can, do; those who can't, write.
52995 Those who can't write work for the Bell Labs Record.
52997 Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.
52998 -- George Santayana
53000 Those who can't write, write manuals.
53002 Those who claim the dead never return
53003 to life haven't ever been around here at quitting time.
53005 Those who do not do politics will be done in by politics.
53008 Those who do not understand Unix are condemned to reinvent it, poorly.
53011 Those who do things in a noble spirit of
53012 self-sacrifice are to be avoided at all costs.
53015 Those who educate children well are more to be honored than parents,
53016 for these only gave life, those the art of living well.
53019 Those who express random thoughts to legislative committees are often
53020 surprised and appalled to find themselves the instigators of law.
53023 Those who have had no share in the good fortunes of the mighty
53024 Often have a share in their misfortunes.
53025 -- Bertolt Brecht, "The Caucasian Chalk Circle"
53027 Those who have some means think that the most important thing in the
53028 world is love. The poor know that it is money.
53031 Those who in quarrels interpose, must often wipe a bloody nose.
53033 Those who make peaceful revolution impossible
53034 will make violent revolution inevitable.
53037 Those who profess to favor freedom, and yet depreciate agitation, are
53038 men who want rain without thunder and lightning. They want the ocean
53039 without the roar of its many waters.
53040 -- Frederick Douglass
53042 Those who sweat in flames of hell, Leaden eared, some thought their bowels
53043 Here's the reason that they fell: Lispeth forth the sweetest vowels.
53044 While on earth they prayed in SAS, These they offered up in praise
53045 PL/1, or other crass, Thinking all this fetid haze
53046 Vulgar tongue. A rhapsody sung.
53048 Some the lord did sorely try Jabber of the mindless horde
53049 Assembling all their pleas in hex. Sequel next did mock the lord
53050 Speech as crabbed as devil's crable Slothful sequel so enfangled
53051 Hex that marked on Tower Babel Its speaker's lips became entangled
53052 The highest rung. In his bung.
53054 Because in life they prayed so ill
53055 And offered god such swinish swill
53056 Now they sweat in flames of hell
53057 Sweat from lack of APL
53060 Those who talk don't know. Those who don't talk, know.
53062 Thou hast seen nothing yet.
53063 -- Miguel de Cervantes
53065 Though a program be but three lines long, someday it will have to
53067 -- The Tao of Programming
53069 Though I respect that a lot
53070 I'd be fired if that were my job
53071 After killing Jason off and
53072 Countless screaming argonauts
53074 Bluebird of friendliness
53075 Like guardian angels it's
53078 Blue canary in the outlet by the light switch
53079 Who watches over you
53080 Make a little birdhouse in your soul
53081 Not to put too fine a point on it
53082 Say I'm the only bee in your bonnet
53083 Make a little birdhouse in your soul
53085 -- "Birdhouse in your Soul", They Might Be Giants
53087 Thrashing is just virtual crashing.
53089 Three great scientific theories of the structure of the universe are
53090 the molecular, the corpuscular and the atomic. A fourth affirms, with
53091 Haeckel, the condensation or precipitation of matter from ether --
53092 whose existence is proved by the condensation or precipitation ... A
53093 fifth theory is held by idiots, but it is doubtful if they know any
53094 more about the matter than the others.
53095 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
53097 Three hours a day will produce as much as a man ought to write.
53100 Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead.
53101 -- Benjamin Franklin
53103 Three Midwesterners, a Kansan, a Missourian and an Iowan,
53104 all appearing on a quiz program, were asked to complete this sentence:
53105 "Old MacDonald had a . . ."
53107 "Old MacDonald had a carburetor," answered the Kansan.
53108 "Sorry, that's wrong," the game show host said.
53109 "Old MacDonald had a free brake alignment down at the
53110 service station," said the Missourian.
53112 "Old MacDonald had a farm," said the Iowan.
53113 "CORRECT!" shouts the quizmaster. "Now for $100,000, spell `farm.'"
53114 "Easy," said the Iowan. "E-I-E-I-O."
53116 Three minutes' thought would suffice to find this out; but thought
53117 is irksome and three minutes is a long time.
53120 Three o'clock in the afternoon is always just a little too
53121 late or a little too early for anything you want to do.
53122 -- Jean-Paul Sartre
53124 Three Rings for the Elven-kings under the sky,
53125 Seven for the Dwarf-lords in their halls of stone,
53126 Nine for Mortal Men doomed to die,
53127 One for the Dark Lord on his dark throne
53128 In the Land of Mordor where the Shadows lie.
53129 One Ring to rule them all, One Ring to find them,
53130 One Ring to bring them all and in the darkness bind them
53131 In the Land of Mordor where the Shadows lie.
53132 -- J. R. R. Tolkien, "The Lord of the Rings"
53134 Three rules for sounding like an expert:
53135 1. Oversimplify your explanations to the point of uselessness.
53136 2. Always point out second-order effects,
53137 but never point out when they can be ignored.
53138 3. Come up with three rules of your own.
53140 Throw away documentation and manuals,
53141 and users will be a hundred times happier.
53142 Throw away privileges and quotas,
53143 and users will do the Right Thing.
53144 Throw away proprietary and site licenses,
53145 and there won't be any pirating.
53147 If these three aren't enough,
53148 just stay at your home directory
53149 and let all processes take their course.
53151 Thus mathematics may be defined as the subject in which we never know
53152 what we are talking about, nor whether what we are saying is true.
53153 -- Bertrand Russell
53155 Thus spake the master programmer:
53156 "A well-written program is its own heaven; a poorly-written program
53158 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
53160 Thus spake the master programmer:
53161 "After three days without programming, life becomes meaningless."
53162 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
53164 Thus spake the master programmer:
53165 "Let the programmer be many and the managers few -- then all will
53167 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
53169 Thus spake the master programmer:
53170 "Though a program be but three lines long, someday it will have to
53172 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
53174 Thus spake the master programmer:
53175 "Time for you to leave."
53176 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
53178 Thus spake the master programmer:
53179 "When program is being tested, it is too late to make design changes."
53180 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
53182 Thus spake the master programmer:
53183 "When you have learned to snatch the error code from
53184 the trap frame, it will be time for you to leave."
53185 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
53187 Thus spake the master programmer:
53188 "Without the wind, the grass does not move. Without software,
53189 hardware is useless."
53190 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
53192 Thus spake the master programmer:
53193 "You can demonstrate a program for a corporate executive, but you
53194 can't make him computer literate."
53195 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
53198 Everything goes wrong at once.
53200 Ticking away the moments that make up a dull day
53201 Fritter and waste the hours in an offhand way
53202 Kicking around on a piece of ground in your hometown
53203 Waiting for someone or something to show you the way
53205 Tired of lying in the sunshine And then one day you find
53206 Staying home to watch the rain Ten years have got behind you
53207 You are young and life is long No one told you when to run
53208 And there is time to kill today You missed the starting gun
53210 And you run and you run to catch up with the sun but it's sinking
53211 And racing around to come up behind you again
53212 The sun is the same in a relative way but you're older
53213 Shorter of breath and one day closer to death
53215 Every year is getting shorter Hanging on in quiet desperation
53217 Never seem to find the time The time is gone, the song is over
53218 Plans that either come to nought Thought I'd something more to say...
53219 Or half a page of scribbled lines
53220 -- Pink Floyd, "Time"
53224 Quite unaccountably
53234 Man got to sit and wonder, "Why, why, why?"
53236 Tiger got to sleep,
53238 Man got to tell himself he understand.
53239 -- The Books of Bokonon
53241 Time and tide wait for no man.
53243 Time as he grows old teaches all things.
53246 Time flies like an arrow, but fruit flies like a banana.
53248 Time goes, you say?
53250 Time stays, *we* go.
53253 Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.
53256 Time is an illusion; lunchtime, doubly so.
53259 Time is an illusion perpetrated by the manufacturers of space.
53261 Time is but the stream I go a-fishing in.
53262 -- Henry David Thoreau
53264 Time is nature's way of making sure that everything doesn't happen at
53267 Time is nature's way of making sure that
53268 everything doesn't happen at once.
53270 Space is nature's way of making sure that
53271 everything doesn't happen to you.
53273 Time is the most valuable thing a man can spend.
53276 Time sharing: The use of many people by the computer.
53278 Time sure flies when you don't know what you're doing.
53280 Time to be aggressive. Go after a tattooed Virgo.
53282 Time to take stock.
53283 Go home with some office supplies.
53286 Love's wounds unseen.
53287 That's what someone told me;
53288 But I don't know what it means.
53289 -- Linda Ronstadt, "Long Long Time"
53291 Time will end all my troubles,
53292 but I don't always approve of Time's methods.
53294 Time-sharing is the junk-mail part of the computer business.
53295 -- H. R. J. Grosch (attributed)
53298 An access method whereby one computer abuses many people.
53300 Timing must be perfect now.
53301 Two-timing must be better than perfect.
53304 Never fry bacon in the nude.
53306 Tip O'Neill is just like Congress; old, fat and out of control.
53309 Tip the world over on its side and
53310 everything loose will land in Los Angeles.
53311 -- Frank Lloyd Wright
53313 TIPS FOR PERFORMERS:
53314 Playing cards have the top half upside-down to help cheaters.
53315 There are a finite number of jokes in the universe.
53316 Singing is a trick to get people to listen to music longer than
53317 they would ordinarily.
53318 There is no music in space.
53319 People will pay to watch people make sounds.
53320 Everything on stage should be larger than in real life.
53322 TIRED of calculating components of vectors? Displacements along direction of
53323 force getting you down? Well, now there's help. Try amazing "Dot-Product",
53324 the fast, easy way many professionals have used for years and is now available
53325 to YOU through this special offer. Three out of five engineering consultants
53326 recommend "Dot-Product" for their clients who use vector products. Mr.
53327 Gumbinowitz, mechanical engineer, in a hidden-camera interview...
53328 "Dot-Product really works! Calculating Z-axis force components has
53329 never been easier."
53330 Yes, you too can take advantage of the amazing properties of Dot-Product. Use
53331 it to calculate forces, velocities, displacements, and virtually any vector
53332 components. How much would you pay for it? But wait, it also calculates the
53333 work done in Joules, Ergs, and, yes, even BTUs. Divide Dot-Product by the
53334 magnitude of the vectors and it becomes an instant angle calculator! Now, how
53335 much would you pay? All this can be yours for the low, low price of $19.95!!
53336 But that's not all! If you order before midnight, you'll also get "Famous
53337 Numbers of Famous People" as a bonus gift, absolutely free! Yes, you'll get
53338 Avogadro's number, Planck's, Euler's, Boltzmann's, and many, many, more!!
53339 Call 1-800-DOT-6000. Operators are standing by. That number again...
53340 1-800-DOT-6000. Supplies are limited, so act now. This offer is not
53341 available through stores and is void where prohibited by law.
53343 Tis man's perdition to be safe, when for the truth he ought to die.
53345 'Tis more blessed to give than receive; for example, wedding presents.
53348 'Tis the dream of each programmer,
53349 Before his life is done,
53350 To write three lines of APL,
53351 And make the damn things run.
53353 To a Californian, a person must prove himself criminally insane before he
53354 is allowed to drive a taxi in New York. For New York cabbies, honesty and
53355 stopping at red lights are both optional.
53356 -- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts"
53358 To a Californian, all New Yorkers are cold; even in heat they rarely go
53359 above fifty-eight degrees. If you collapse on a street in New York, plan
53360 to spend a few days there.
53361 -- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts"
53363 To a Californian, the basic difference between the people and the pigeons
53364 in New York is that the pigeons don't shit on each other.
53365 -- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts"
53367 To a New Yorker, all Californians are blond, even the blacks. There are,
53368 in fact, whole neighborhoods that are zoned only for blond people. The
53369 only way to tell the difference between California and Sweden is that the
53370 Swedes speak better English.
53371 -- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts"
53373 To a New Yorker, the only California houses on the market for less than
53374 a million dollars are those on fire. These generally go for six hundred
53376 -- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts"
53378 To accuse others for one's own misfortunes is a sign of want of education.
53379 To accuse oneself shows that one's education has begun. To accuse neither
53380 oneself nor others shows that one's education is complete.
53383 To add insult to injury.
53386 To any truly impartial person, it would
53387 be obvious that I am always right.
53389 To avoid criticism, do nothing, say nothing, be nothing.
53392 To be a kind of moral Unix, he touched the hem of Nature's shift.
53395 To be beautiful is enough! if a woman can do that well who
53396 should demand more from her? You don't want a rose to sing.
53399 To be considered successful, a woman must be much better at her job
53400 than a man would have to be. Fortunately, this isn't difficult.
53402 To be excellent when engaged in administration is to be like the North
53403 Star. As it remains in its one position, all the other stars surround it.
53406 To be great is to be misunderstood.
53407 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
53409 To be happy one must be a) well fed, unhounded by sordid cares, at ease in
53410 Zion, b) full of a comfortable feeling of superiority to the masses of one's
53411 fellow men, and c) delicately and unceasingly amused according to one's taste.
53412 It is my contention that, if this definition be accepted, there is no country
53413 in the world wherein a man constituted as I am -- a man of my peculiar
53414 weaknesses, vanities, appetites, and aversions -- can be so happy as he can
53415 be in the United States. Going further, I lay down the doctrine that it is
53416 a sheer physical impossibility for such a man to live in the United States
53418 -- H. L. Mencken, "On Being An American"
53420 To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it.
53422 To be is to be related.
53430 -- Miss Connie, Romper Room
53436 To be loved is very demoralizing.
53437 -- Katharine Hepburn
53439 to be nobody but yourself in a world
53440 which is doing its best night and day
53441 to make you like everybody else
53442 means to fight the hardest battle
53443 any human being can fight and
53444 never stop fighting.
53447 To be nobody-but-yourself in a world which is doing its best to,
53448 night and day, to make you everybody else -- means to fight the hardest
53449 battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting.
53450 -- E. E. Cummings, "A Miscellany"
53452 To be or not to be.
53461 To be or not to be, that is the bottom line.
53463 To be patriotic, hate all nations but your own; to be religious, all sects
53464 but your own; to be moral, all pretences but your own.
53467 "To be responsive at this time, though I will simply say, and therefore
53468 this is a repeat of what I said previously, that which I am unable to
53469 offer in response is based on information available to make no such
53472 To be successful, a woman has to be much better at her job than a man.
53475 To be successful, a woman must do her job ten times
53476 as well as a man. Fortunately, this is not difficult.
53478 To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and, whatever you hit,
53479 call it the target.
53481 To be trusted is a greater compliment than to be loved.
53483 To be who one is, is not to be someone else.
53485 To be wise, the only thing you really need
53486 to know is when to say "I don't know."
53488 To believe your own thought, to believe that what is true for
53489 you in your private heart is true for all men -- that is genius.
53490 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
53492 To code the impossible code, This is my quest --
53493 To bring up a virgin machine, To debug that code,
53494 To pop out of endless recursion, No matter how hopeless,
53495 To grok what appears on the screen, No matter the load,
53496 To write those routines
53497 To right the unrightable bug, Without question or pause,
53498 To endlessly twiddle and thrash, To be willing to hack FORTRAN IV
53499 To mount the unmountable magtape, For a heavenly cause.
53500 To stop the unstoppable crash! And I know if I'll only be true
53501 To this glorious quest,
53502 And the queue will be better for this, That my code will run CUSPy and calm,
53503 That one man, scorned and When it's put to the test.
53505 Still strove with his last allocation
53506 To scrap the unscrappable kludge!
53507 -- To "The Impossible Dream", from Man of La Mancha
53509 To communicate is the beginning of understanding.
53512 To converse at the distance of the Indes by means of sympathetic contrivances
53513 may be as natural to future times as to us is a literary correspondence.
53514 -- Joseph Glanvill, 1661
53516 To craunch a marmoset.
53517 -- Pedro Carolino, "English as She is Spoke"
53519 To criticize the incompetent is easy;
53520 it is more difficult to criticize the competent.
53522 To defend the Saigon regime is not worth one more human life.
53523 -- Senator Edmund Muskie
53525 To do nothing is to be nothing.
53527 To do two things at once is to do neither.
53530 To doubt everything or to believe everything are two equally
53531 convenient solutions; both dispense with the necessity of reflection.
53534 To envision how a 4-processor system running [SunOS] 4.1.x works, think
53535 of four kids and one bathroom.
53538 To err is human -- but it feels divine.
53541 To err is human -- to blame it on a computer is even more so.
53543 To err is human, but I can REALLY foul things up.
53545 To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer.
53547 To err is human, but when the eraser wears out
53548 before the pencil, you're overdoing it a little.
53550 To err is human; to admit it, a blunder.
53552 To err is human, to forgive, beyond the scope of the Operating System.
53554 To err is human, to forgive, infrequent.
53556 To err is human, to forgive is against company policy.
53558 To err is human, to forgive is Not Company Policy.
53560 To err is human; to forgive is simply not our policy.
53561 -- MIT Assassination Club
53563 To err is human, to forgive unusual.
53565 To err is human, to purr feline.
53566 To err is human, two curs canine.
53567 To err is human, to moo bovine.
53569 To err is human, to repent, divine, to persist, devilish.
53570 -- Benjamin Franklin
53573 To blame someone else for your mistakes is even more human.
53581 To every Ph.D. there is an equal and opposite Ph.D.
53584 To everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven:
53585 A time to be born, and a time to die;
53586 A time to plant, and a time to pluck what is planted;
53587 A time to kill, and a time to heal;
53588 A time to break down, and a time to build up;
53589 A time to weep, and a time to laugh;
53590 A time to mourn, and a time to dance;
53591 A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones;
53592 A time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
53593 A time to gain, and a time to lose;
53594 A time to keep, and a time to throw away;
53595 A time to tear, and a time to sew;
53596 A time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
53597 A time to love, and a time to hate;
53598 A time of war, and a time of peace.
53601 To fear love is to fear life, and those
53602 who fear life are already three parts dead.
53603 -- Bertrand Russell
53605 To find a friend one must close one eye; to keep him -- two.
53608 To find out a girl's faults, praise her to her girl friends.
53609 -- Benjamin Franklin
53611 To generalize is to be an idiot.
53614 To get back on your feet, miss two car payments.
53616 To get something clean, one has to get something dirty.
53617 To get something dirty, one does not have to get anything clean.
53619 To get something done, a committee should consist of no more than three
53620 men, two of them absent.
53622 To give happiness is to deserve happiness.
53624 To give of yourself, you must first know yourself.
53626 To have died once is enough.
53627 -- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil)
53629 To hell with the Prime Directive;
53630 Let's KILL something!
53632 To invent, you need a good imagination and a pile of junk.
53635 To iterate is human, to recurse, divine.
53638 To jaw-jaw is better than to war-war.
53639 -- Winston Churchill, on Korean War negotiations
53641 To keep your friends treat them kindly;
53642 to kill them, treat them often.
53644 To know Edina is to reject it.
53645 -- Dudley Riggs, "The Year the Grinch Stole the Election"
53647 To laugh at men of sense is the privilege of fools.
53649 To lead people, you must follow behind.
53652 To listen to some devout people,
53653 one would imagine that God never laughs.
53656 To love is good, love being difficult.
53658 To make an enemy, do someone a favor.
53660 To make tax forms true they should
53661 read "Income Owed Us" and "Incommode You".
53663 To many, total abstinence is easier than perfect moderation.
53666 TO ME, CLOWNS AREN'T FUNNY. In fact, they're kinda scary. I've wondered
53667 where this started, and I think it goes back to the time I went to the
53668 circus and a clown killed my dad.
53669 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican", 1988.
53671 To one large turkey add one gallon of vermouth and a demijohn of Angostura
53673 -- F. Scott Fitzgerald, recipe for turkey cocktail
53675 To our sweethearts and wives. May they never meet.
53676 -- 19th century toast
53678 To refuse praise is to seek praise twice.
53680 To restore a sense of reality, I think
53681 Walt Disney should have a Hardluckland.
53684 To save a single life is better than to build a seven story pagoda.
53686 To say that UNIX is doomed is pretty rabid, OS/2 will certainly play a role,
53687 but you don't build a hundred million instructions per second multiprocessor
53688 micro and then try to run it on OS/2. I mean, get serious.
53689 -- William Zachmann, International Data Corp
53691 To say you got a vote of confidence
53692 would be to say you needed a vote of confidence.
53695 To see a need and wait to be asked, is to already refuse.
53697 To see the butcher slap the steak, before he laid it on the block,
53698 and give his knife a sharpening, was to forget breakfast instantly. It was
53699 agreeable, too -it really was- to see him cut it off, so smooth and juicy.
53700 There was nothing savage in the act, although the knife was large and keen;
53701 it was a piece of art, high art; there was delicacy of touch, clearness of
53702 tone, skilful handling of the subject, fine shading. It was the triumph of
53703 mind over matter; quite.
53704 -- Charles Dickens, "Martin Chuzzlewit"
53706 To see you is to sympathize.
53708 To spot the expert, pick the one who predicts
53709 the job will take the longest and cost the most.
53711 To stand and be still,
53712 At the Birkenhead drill,
53713 Is a damned tough bullet to chew.
53716 To stay young requires unceasing cultivation
53717 of the ability to unlearn old falsehoods.
53718 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough For Love"
53720 To stay youthful, stay useful.
53722 To teach is to learn.
53724 To teach is to learn twice.
53727 To the best of my recollection, Senator, I can't recall.
53729 To the landlord belongs the doorknobs.
53731 To the systems programmer, users and applications serve only to provide
53734 To Theodore Roosevelt:
53735 You are like the Wind and I like the Lion. You form the Tempest.
53736 The sand stings my eyes and the Ground is parched. I roar in defiance but
53737 you do not hear. But between us there is a difference. I, like the lion,
53738 must remain in my place. While you, like the wind, will never know yours.
53739 Mulay Hamid El Raisuli
53741 Sultan to the Berbers
53742 Last of the Barbary Pirates
53744 To thine own self be true.
53745 (If not that, at least make some money.)
53747 To think contrary to one's era is heroism. But to speak against it is
53751 To those accustomed to the precise, structured methods of conventional
53752 system development, exploratory development techniques may seem messy,
53753 inelegant, and unsatisfying. But it's a question of congruence:
53754 precision and flexibility may be just as dysfunctional in novel,
53755 uncertain situations as sloppiness and vacillation are in familiar,
53756 well-defined ones. Those who admire the massive, rigid bone structures
53757 of dinosaurs should remember that jellyfish still enjoy their very
53758 secure ecological niche.
53759 -- Beau Sheil, "Power Tools for Programmers"
53761 TO THOSE OF YOU WHO DESIRE IT, I GRANT YOU MADRAK'S BLESSING:
53763 Insofar as I may be heard by anything, which may or may not care
53764 what I say, I ask, if it matters, that you be forgiven for anything you
53765 may have done or failed to do which requires forgiveness.
53766 Conversely, if not forgiveness but something else be required
53767 to ensure any possible benefit for which you may be eligible after the
53768 destruction of your body, I ask that this, whatever it may be, be granted
53769 or withheld, as the case may be, in such a manner as to ensure your
53770 receiving said benefit.
53771 I ask this in my capacity as your elected intermediary between
53772 yourself and that which may have an interest in the matter of your receiving
53773 as much as it is possible for you to receive of this thing, and which may
53774 in some way be influenced by this ceremony.
53776 -- Roger Zelazny, "Creatures of Light and Darkness", 1969
53778 To understand a program you must become both the machine and the program.
53780 To understand the heart and mind of a person, look not at what
53781 he has already achieved, but at what he aspires to do.
53783 To understand this important story, you have to understand how the
53784 telephone company works. Your telephone is connected to a local
53785 computer, which is in turn connected to a regional computer, which is
53786 in turn connected to a loudspeaker the size of a garbage truck on the
53787 lawn of Edna A. Bargewater of Lawrence, Kan.
53789 Whenever you talk on the phone, your local computer listens in. If it
53790 suspects you're going to discuss an intimate topic, it notifies the
53791 computer above it, which listens in and decides whether to alert the
53792 one above it, until finally, if you really humiliate yourself, maybe
53793 break down in tears and tell your closest friend about a sordid
53794 incident from your past involving a seedy motel, a neighbor's spouse,
53795 an entire religious order, a garden hose and six quarts of tapioca
53796 pudding, the top computer feeds your conversation into Edna's
53797 loudspeaker, and she and her friends come out on the porch to listen
53798 and drink gin and laugh themselves silly.
53799 -- Dave Barry, "Won't It Be Just Great Owning Our Own
53802 To use violence is to already be defeated.
53805 "To vacillate or not to vacillate, that is the question ... or is it?"
53807 To whom the mornings are like nights,
53808 What must the midnights be!
53809 -- Emily Dickinson (on hacking?)
53811 To write a sonnet you must ruthlessly
53812 strip down your words to naked, willing flesh.
53813 Then bind them to a metaphor or three,
53814 and take by force a satisfying mesh.
53815 Arrange them to your will, each foot in place.
53816 You are the master here, and they the slaves.
53817 Now whip them to maintain a constant pace
53818 and rhythm as they stand in even staves.
53819 A word that strikes no pleasure? Cast it out!
53820 What use are words that drive not to the heart?
53821 A lazy phrase? Discard it, shrug off doubt,
53822 and choose more docile words to take its part.
53823 A well-trained sonnet lives to entertain,
53824 by making love directly to the brain.
53826 "To YOU I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition."
53829 Tobacco is a filthy weed,
53830 That from the devil does proceed;
53831 It drains your purse, it burns your clothes,
53832 And makes a chimney of your nose.
53836 A nice place to visit, but you can't stay here for long.
53838 Today is a good day for information-gathering.
53839 Read someone else's mail file.
53841 Today is a good day to bribe a high-ranking public official.
53843 Today is National Existential Ennui Awareness Day.
53845 Today is the first day of the rest of the mess.
53847 Today is the first day of the rest of your life.
53849 Today is the first day of the rest of your lossage.
53851 Today is the last day of your life so far.
53853 Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.
53855 Today is what happened to yesterday.
53857 "Today, of course, it is considered very poor taste to use the F-word
53858 except in major motion pictures."
53859 -- Dave Barry, "$#$%#^%!^%&@%@!"
53861 Today when a man gets married he gets a home, a housekeeper, a cook, a
53862 cheering squad and another paycheck. When a woman marries, she gets a
53865 Today you'll start getting heavy metal radio on your dentures.
53867 Today's scientific question is: What in the world is electricity?
53869 And where does it go after it leaves the toaster?
53870 -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"
53872 "Today's thrilling story has been brought to you by Mushies, the great new
53873 cereal that gets soggy even without milk or cream. Join us soon for more
53874 spectacular adventure starring ... Tippy, the Wonder Dog."
53877 Today's weirdness is tomorrow's reason why.
53878 -- Hunter S. Thompson
53880 Toddlers are the stormtroopers of the Lord of Entropy.
53882 Toilet Toup'
\bee, n.:
53883 Any shag carpet that causes the lid to become top-heavy, thus
53884 creating endless annoyance to male users.
53885 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
53887 Tomorrow, this will be part of the unchangeable past
53888 but fortunately, it can still be changed today.
53890 Tomorrow will be canceled due to lack of interest.
53892 Tomorrow, you can be anywhere.
53894 Tomorrow's computers some time next month.
53897 Tom's hungry, time to eat lunch.
53899 Tonight you will pay the wages of sin;
53900 Don't forget to leave a tip.
53902 Tonight's the night: Sleep in a eucalyptus tree.
53904 Toni's Solution to a Guilt-Free Life:
53905 If you have to lie to someone, it's their fault.
53907 Too bad all the people who know how to run the country are busy
53908 driving cabs and cutting hair.
53911 TOO BAD YOU CAN'T BUY a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin
53912 real fast and freak everybody out.
53913 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican", 1988.
53915 Too clever is dumb.
53918 Too cool to calypso,
53919 Too tough to tango,
53920 Too weird to watusi
53924 A large number of turkies [sic] went to San Francisco yesterday by
53925 the two o'clock boats. If their object in going down was to participate in
53926 the Thanksgiving festivities of that city, they would arrive "the day after
53927 the affair," and of course be sadly disappointed thereby.
53928 -- Sacramento Daily Union, November 29, 1861
53930 Too many people are thinking of security instead of opportunity.
53931 They seem more afraid of life than death.
53934 Too much is just enough.
53935 -- Mark Twain, on whiskey
53937 Too much is not enough.
53939 Too much of a good thing is WONDERFUL.
53942 Too much of everything is just enough.
53945 Too often I find that the volume of paper expands to fill the available
53947 -- Governor Jerry Brown
53949 Too often people have come to me and said, "If I had just one wish for
53950 anything in all the world, I would wish for more user-defined equations
53951 in the HP-51820A Waveform Generator Software."
53953 [Once is too often. Ed.]
53955 Too ripped. Gotta go.
53957 Toothpaste never hurts the taste of good scotch.
53959 Top 10 things likely to be overheard if you had a Klingon Programmer:
53961 10) Specifications are for the weak and timid!
53962 9) You question the worthiness of my code? I should kill you where you stand!
53963 8) Indentation?! - I will show you how to indent when I indent your skull!
53964 7) What is this talk of 'release'? Klingons do not make software 'releases'.
53965 Our software 'escapes' leaving a bloody trail of designers and quality
53966 assurance people in its wake.
53967 6) Klingon function calls do not have 'parameters' - they have 'arguments'
53968 - and they ALWAYS WIN THEM.
53969 5) Debugging? Klingons do not debug. Our software does not coddle the weak.
53970 4) A TRUE Klingon Warrior does not comment his code!
53971 3) Klingon software does NOT have BUGS. It has FEATURES, and those features
53972 are too sophisticated for a Romulan pig like you to understand.
53973 2) You cannot truly appreciate Dilbert unless you've read it in the
53975 1) Our users will know fear and cower before our software! Ship it!
53976 Ship it and let them flee like the dogs they are!
53978 Top scientists agree that with the present rate of consumption, the
53979 earth's supply of gravity will be exhausted before the 24th century.
53980 As man struggles to discover cheaper alternatives, we need your help.
53985 Follow these simple suggestions:
53987 (1) Walk with a light step. Carry helium balloons if possible.
53988 (2) Use tape, magnets, or glue instead of paperweights.
53989 (3) Give up skiing and skydiving for more horizontal sports like
53991 (4) Avoid showers ... take baths instead.
53992 (5) Don't hang all your clothes in the closet ... Keep them in one big
53994 (6) Stop flipping pancakes
53996 Top Ten Things Overheard At The ANSI C Draft Committee Meetings:
53998 10: Sorry, but that's too useful.
53999 9: Dammit, little-endian systems *are* more consistent!
54000 8: I'm on the committee and I *still* don't know what the hell
54002 7: Well, it's an excellent idea, but it would make the compilers too
54004 6: Them bats is smart; they use radar.
54005 5: All right, who's the wiseguy who stuck this trigraph stuff in here?
54006 4: How many times do we have to tell you, "No prior art!"
54007 3: Ha, ha, I can't believe they're actually going to adopt this sucker.
54008 2: Thank you for your generous donation, Mr. Wirth.
54009 1: Gee, I wish we hadn't backed down on "noalias".
54011 Topologists are just plane folks.
54012 Pilots are just plane folks.
54013 Carpenters are just plane folks.
54014 Midwest farmers are just plain folks.
54015 Musicians are just playin' folks.
54016 Whodunit readers are just Spillaine folks.
54017 Some Londoners are just P. Lane folks.
54021 Total strangers need love, too; and I'm stranger than most.
54023 TOTD (T-shirt Of The Day):
54024 I'm the person your mother warned you about.
54026 Toto, I don't think we're in Kansas anymore.
54027 -- Judy Garland, "The Wizard of Oz"
54029 Tourists -- have some fun with New York's hard-boiled cabbies. When you
54030 get to your destination, say to your driver, "Pay? I was hitch-hiking."
54033 Tout choses sont dites deja, mais comme
54034 personne n'ecoute, il faut toujours recommencer.
54037 Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.
54040 TRANSACTION CANCELLED - FARECARD RETURNED
54043 A promotion you receive on the condition that you leave town.
54046 Being or pertaining to an existing, nontangible object.
54047 "It's there, but you can't see it"
54048 -- IBM System/360 announcement, 1964
54051 Being or pertaining to a tangible, nonexistent object.
54052 "I can see it, but it's not there."
54056 Someone who spends his junior year at college abroad.
54058 Trap full -- please empty.
54061 Something that makes you feel like you're getting somewhere.
54063 Travel important today; Internal Revenue men arrive tomorrow.
54065 Traveling through hyperspace isn't like dusting crops, boy.
54068 Traveling through New England, a motorist stopped for gas in a tiny village.
54069 "What's this place called?" he asked the station attendant.
54070 "All depends," the native drawled. "Do you mean by them that has
54071 to live in this dad-blamed, moth-eaten, dust-covered, one-hoss dump, or
54072 by them that's merely enjoying its quaint and picturesque rustic charms
54073 for a short spell?"
54075 Treat your friend as if he might become an enemy.
54078 Treaties are like roses and young girls -- they last while they last.
54079 -- Charles DeGaulle
54081 Trifles make perfection, and perfection is no trifle.
54084 Troglodytism does not necessarily imply a low cultural level.
54086 Trouble always comes at the wrong time.
54088 Trouble strikes in series of threes, but when working around the house the
54089 next job after a series of three is not the fourth job -- it's the start of
54090 a brand new series of three.
54092 Troubled day for virgins over 16 who are beautiful, wealthy, and live
54093 in eucalyptus trees.
54095 Troubles are like babies; they only grow by nursing.
54097 True happiness will be found only in true love.
54099 True leadership is the art of changing
54100 a group from what it is to what it ought to be.
54103 True to our past we work with an inherited, observed, and accepted vision of
54104 personal futility, and of the beauty of the world.
54107 Truly great madness can not be achieved without significant
54111 Truly simple systems... require infinite testing.
54112 -- Norman Augustine
54114 Trust everybody, but cut the cards.
54115 -- Finley Peter Dunne, "Mr. Dooley's Philosophy"
54117 Trust in Allah, but tie your camel.
54121 Get me, give me, buy me, do me.
54124 Translation of the Latin "caveat emptor."
54126 Trust your husband, adore your husband,
54127 and get as much as you can in your own name.
54130 Truth can wait; he's used to it.
54132 Truth has no special time of its own. Its hour is now -- always.
54133 -- Albert Schweitzer
54135 Truth is free, but information costs.
54137 Truth is hard to find and harder to obscure.
54139 "Truth is stranger than fiction, because fiction has to make sense."
54141 Truth is the most valuable thing we have -- so let us economize it.
54144 Truth never comes into the world but like a bastard, to the ignominy
54145 of him that brought her birth.
54148 Truth will be out this morning. (Which may really mess things up.)
54151 Dumb and illiterate.
54152 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
54156 Try not to have a good time ... This is supposed to be educational.
54164 Try `stty 0' -- it works much better.
54166 Try the Moo Shu Pork. It is especially good today.
54168 Try to be the best of whatever you are, even if what you are is no good.
54170 Try to divide your time evenly to keep others happy.
54172 Try to find the real tense of the report you are reading: Was it done,
54173 is it being done, or is something to be done? Reports are now written
54174 in four tenses: past tense, present tense, future tense, and
54175 pretense. Watch for novel uses of CONGRAM (CONtractor GRAMmer),
54176 defined by the imperfect past, the insufficient present, and the
54177 absolutely perfect future.
54180 Try to get all of your posthumous medals in advance.
54182 Try to have as good a life as you can under the circumstances.
54184 Try to relax and enjoy the crisis.
54185 -- Ashleigh Brilliant
54187 Try to value useful qualities in one who loves you.
54189 Trying to be happy is like trying to build a machine for which the only
54190 specification is that it should run noiselessly.
54192 Trying to define yourself is like trying to bite your own teeth.
54195 Trying to establish voice contact ... please ____
\b\b\b\byell into keyboard.
54197 Trying to get an education here is like
54198 trying to take a drink from a fire hose.
54201 Life is *not* a Cabaret, and stop calling me chum!
54203 Tuesday After Lunch is the cosmic time of the week.
54205 Tuesday is the Wednesday of the rest of your life.
54207 Turn on, tune in, and take over.
54210 Turn the other cheek.
54214 The attention span of a computer is only as long as its
54218 Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come.
54220 TV is chewing gum for the eyes.
54221 -- Frank Lloyd Wright
54223 'Twas a woman who drove me to drink,
54224 and I never even had the decency to thank her.
54227 "Twas bergen and the eirie road
54228 Did mahwah into patterson: "Beware the Hopatcong, my son!
54229 All jersey were the ocean groves, The teeth that bite, the nails
54230 And the red bank bayonne. that claw!
54231 Beware the bound brook bird, and shun
54232 He took his belmar blade in hand: The kearney communipaw."
54233 Long time the folsom foe he sought
54234 Till rested he by a bayway tree And, as in nutley thought he stood,
54235 And stood a while in thought. The Hopatcong with eyes of flame,
54236 Came whippany through the englewood,
54237 One, two, one, two, and through And garfield as it came.
54239 The belmar blade went hackensack! "And hast thou slain the Hopatcong?
54240 He left it dead and with it's head Come to my arms, my perth amboy!
54241 He went weehawken back. Hohokus day! Soho! Rahway!"
54242 He caldwell in his joy.
54243 Did mahwah into patterson:
54244 All jersey were the ocean groves,
54245 And the red bank bayonne.
54248 'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
54249 Did gyre and gimble in the wabe. "Beware the Jabberwock, my son!
54250 All mimsy were the borogroves The jaws that bite, the claws
54251 And the mome raths outgrabe. that catch!
54252 Beware the Jubjub bird,
54253 He took his vorpal sword in hand And shun the frumious Bandersnatch!"
54254 Long time the manxome foe he sought.
54255 So rested he by the tumtum tree And as in uffish thought he stood
54256 And stood awhile in thought. The Jabberwock, with eyes aflame
54257 Came whuffling through the tulgey wood
54258 One! Two! One! Two! And through and And burbled as it came!
54260 The vorpal blade went snicker-snack. "Hast thou slain the Jabberwock?
54261 He left it dead, and took its head, Come to my arms, my beamish boy!
54262 And went galumphing back. Oh frabjous day! Calooh! Callay!"
54263 He chortled in his joy.
54264 'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
54265 Did gyre and gimble in the wabe.
54266 All mimsy were the borogroves
54267 And the mome raths outgrabe.
54268 -- Lewis Carroll, "Jabberwocky"
54270 'Twas bullig, and the slithy brokers
54271 Did buy and gamble in the craze "Beware the Jabberstock, my son!
54272 All rosy were the Dow Jones stokers The cost that bites, the worth
54273 By market's wrath unphased. that falls!
54274 Beware the Econ'mist's word, and shun
54275 He took his forecast sword in hand: The spurious Street o' Walls!"
54276 Long time the Boesk'some foe he sought -
54277 Sake's liquidity, so d'vested he, And as in bearish thought he stood
54278 And stood awhile in thought. The Jabberstock, with clothes of tweed,
54279 Came waffling with the truth too good,
54280 Chip Black! Chip Blue! And through And yuppied great with greed!
54282 The forecast blade went snicker-snack! "And hast thou slain the Jabberstock?
54283 It bit the dirt, and with its shirt, Come to my firm, V.P.ish boy!
54284 He went rebounding back. O big bucks day! Moolah! Good Play!"
54285 He bought him a Mercedes Toy.
54286 'Twas panic, and the slithy brokers
54287 Did gyre and tumble in the Crash
54288 All flimsy were the Dow Jones stokers
54289 And mammon's wrath them bash!
54290 -- Peter Stucki, "Jabberstocky"
54292 'Twas midnight, and the UNIX hacks
54293 Did gyre and gimble in their cave
54294 All mimsy was the CS-VAX
54295 And Cory raths outgrave.
54297 "Beware the software rot, my son!
54298 The faults that bite, the jobs that thrash!
54299 Beware the broken pipe, and shun
54300 The frumious system crash!"
54302 'Twas midnight on the ocean, Her children all were orphans,
54303 Not a streetcar was in sight, Except one a tiny tot,
54304 So I stepped into a cigar store Who had a home across the way
54305 To ask them for a light. Above a vacant lot.
54307 The man behind the counter As I gazed through the oaken door
54308 Was a woman, old and gray, A whale went drifting by,
54309 Who used to peddle doughnuts Its six legs hanging in the air,
54310 On the road to Mandalay. So I kissed her goodbye.
54312 She said "Good morning, stranger", This story has a morale
54313 Her eyes were dry with tears, As you can plainly see,
54314 As she put her head between her feet Don't mix your gin with whiskey
54315 And stood that way for years. On the deep and dark blue sea.
54316 -- Midnight On The Ocean
54318 'Twas the night before Christmas -- the very last one --
54319 When the blazing of lasers destroyed all our fun.
54320 Just as Santa had lifted off, driving his sleigh,
54321 A satellite spotted him making his way.
54322 The Star Wars Defense System -- Reagan's desire
54323 Was ready for action, and started to fire!
54324 The laser beams criss-crossed and lit up the sky
54325 Like a fireworks show on the Fourth of July.
54326 I'd just finished wrapping the last of the toys
54327 When out of my chimney there came a great noise.
54328 I looked to the fireplace, hoping to see
54329 St. Nick bringing presents for missus and me.
54330 But what I saw next was disturbing and shocking:
54331 A flaming red jacket setting fire to my stocking!
54332 Charred reindeer remains and a melted sleigh-bell;
54333 Outside burning toys like confetti they fell.
54334 So now you know, children, why Christmas is gone:
54335 The Star Wars computer had got something wrong.
54336 Only programmed for battle, it hadn't a heart;
54337 'Twas hardly a chance it would work from the start.
54338 It couldn't be tested, and no one could tell,
54339 If the crazy contraption would work very well.
54340 So after a trillion or two had been spent
54341 The system thought Santa a Red missile sent.
54342 So kids dry your tears now, and get off to bed,
54343 There won't be a Christmas -- since Santa is dead.
54345 'Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period
54346 preceding the annual Yuletide celebration, And
54347 throughout our place of residence,
54348 Kinetic activity was not in evidence among the
54349 possessors of this potential, including that
54350 species of domestic rodent known as Mus musculus.
54351 Hosiery was meticulously suspended from the forward
54352 edge of the woodburning caloric apparatus,
54353 Pursuant to our anticipatory pleasure regarding an
54354 imminent visitation from an eccentric
54355 philanthropist among whose folkloric appelations
54356 is the honorific title of St. Nicklaus ...
54358 Twenty Percent of Zero is Better than Nothing.
54361 Twenty two thousand days.
54362 Twenty two thousand days.
54364 It's all you've got.
54365 Twenty two thousand days.
54366 -- Moody Blues, "Twenty Two Thousand Days"
54368 Two battleships assigned to the training squadron had been at sea on maneuvers
54369 in heavy weather for several days. I was serving on the lead battleship and
54370 was on watch on the bridge as night fell. The visibility was poor with patchy
54371 fog, so the Captain remained on the bridge keeping an eye on all activities.
54372 Shortly after dark, the lookout on the wing of the bridge reported,
54373 "Light, bearing on the starboard bow."
54374 "Is it steady or moving astern?" the Captain called out.
54375 Lookout replied, "Steady, Captain," which meant we were on a dangerous
54376 collision course with that ship.
54377 The Captain then called to the signalman, "Signal that ship: We are on
54378 a collision course, advise you change course 20 degrees."
54379 Back came a signal "Advisable for you to change course 20 degrees."
54380 In reply, the Captain said, "Send: I'm a Captain, change course 20
54382 "I'm a seaman second class," came the reply, "You had better change
54383 course 20 degrees."
54384 By that time, the Captain was furious. He spit out, "Send: I'm a
54385 battleship, change course 20 degrees."
54386 Back came the flashing light: "I'm a lighthouse!"
54388 -- The Naval Institute's "Proceedings"
54390 Two can Live as Cheaply as One for Half as Long.
54393 Two cars in every pot and a chicken in every garage.
54395 Two Finns and a penguin are sitting on the front porch of a large house. The
54396 penguin is dripping in sweat; his owner looks down and says to the other Finn,
54397 "Hey Urho, I want that you should take the penguin to the zoo, okay?" The
54398 owner then runs off to the sauna. When he gets out of the sauna, he looks
54399 up at the porch, and sure enough, there is Urho and the penguin, sweating
54400 away. So he yells out "Hey, Urho, I thought I told you to take the penguin to
54401 the zoo, I did." And Urho yells back "Yup, and tomorrow we're going to
54404 Two friends were out drinking when suddenly one lurched backward off his
54405 barstool and lay motionless on the floor.
54406 "One thing about Jim," the other said to the bartender, "he sure
54407 knows when to stop."
54409 Two heads are better than one.
54412 Two heads are more numerous than one.
54414 Two hundred years ago today, Irma Chine of White Plains, New York, was
54415 performing her normal housekeeping routines. She was interrupted by
54416 British soldiers who, rallying to the call of their supervisor, General
54417 Hughes, sought to gain control of the voter registration lists kept in
54418 her home. Masking her fear and thinking fast, Mrs. Chine quickly divided
54419 a nearby apple in two and deftly stored the list in its center. Upon
54420 entering, the British blatantly violated every conceivable convention,
54421 and, though they went through the house virtually bit by bit, their
54422 search was fruitless. They had to return empty handed. Word of the
54423 incident propagated rapidly through the region. This historic event
54424 became the first documented use of core storage for the saving of registers.
54426 Two is company, three is an orgy.
54428 Two is not equal to three, even for large values of two.
54430 Two men are in a hot-air balloon. Soon, they find themselves lost in a
54431 canyon somewhere. One of the three men says, "I've got an idea. We can
54432 call for help in this canyon and the echo will carry our voices to the
54433 end of the canyon. Someone's bound to hear us by then!"
54434 So he leans over the basket and screams out, "Helllloooooo! Where
54435 are we?" (They hear the echo several times).
54436 Fifteen minutes later, they hear this echoing voice: "Helllloooooo!
54438 The shouter comments, "That must have been a mathematician."
54439 Puzzled, his friend asks, "Why do you say that?"
54440 "For three reasons. First, he took a long time to answer, second,
54441 he was absolutely correct, and, third, his answer was absolutely useless."
54443 Two men came before Nasrudin when he was magistrate. The first man
54444 said, "This man has bitten my ear -- I demand compensation." The
54445 second man said, "He bit it himself." Nasrudin withdrew to his
54446 chambers, and spent an hour trying to bite his own ear. He succeeded
54447 only in falling over and bruising his forehead. Returning to the
54448 courtroom, Nasrudin pronounced, "Examine the man whose ear was bitten.
54449 If his forehead is bruised, he did it himself and the case is
54450 dismissed. If his forehead is not bruised, the other man did it and
54451 must pay three silver pieces."
54453 Two men look out through the same bars; one sees mud, and one the stars.
54455 Two men were sitting over coffee, contemplating the nature of things,
54456 with all due respect for their breakfast. "I wonder why it is that
54457 toast always falls on the buttered side," said one.
54458 "Tell me," replied his friend, "why you say such a thing. Look
54459 at this." And he dropped his toast on the floor, where it landed on the
54461 "So, what have you to say for your theory now?"
54462 "What am I to say? You obviously buttered the wrong side."
54464 Two peanuts were walking through the New York. One was assaulted.
54466 Two percent of zero is almost nothing.
54468 Two rights don't make a wrong, they make an airplane.
54470 Two Russian friends happen to meet in Red Square. One of them says, "By
54471 the way, did you hear that Romanov died?"
54472 "No," replied the other, "I didn't even know he'd been arrested!"
54474 Two sure ways to tell a REALLY sexy man; the first is, he has a bad memory.
54475 I forget the second.
54477 "Two sure ways to tell a sexy male; the first is, he has a bad memory.
54478 I forget the second."
54480 Two Swedish guys get of a ship and head for the nearest bars. Each one
54481 orders two vodkas and immediately downs them. They they order two more
54482 and once again quickly throw them back. They then order two more. When
54483 they arrive, one of them picks up his glass, and, turning to the other,
54484 toasts him, "Skoal!"
54485 The other turns to the first man and scolds, "Hey! Did you come
54486 here to screw around, or did you come here to drink?"
54488 Two wrongs are only the beginning.
54491 Two wrongs don't make a right, but they make a good excuse.
54494 Two wrongs don't make a right, but three lefts do.
54496 Tyger, Tyger, burning bright Where the hammer? Where the chain?
54497 In the forests of the night, In what furnace was thy brain?
54498 What immortal hand or eye What the anvil? What dread grasp
54499 Dare frame thy fearful symmetry? Dare its deadly terrors clasp?
54501 Burnt in distant deeps or skies When the stars threw down their spears
54502 The cruel fire of thine eyes? And water'd heaven with their tears
54503 On what wings dare he aspire? Dare he laugh his work to see?
54504 What the hand dare seize the fire? Dare he who made the lamb make thee?
54506 And what shoulder & what art Tyger, Tyger, burning bright
54507 Could twist the sinews of they heart? In the forests of the night,
54508 And when thy heart began to beat What immortal hand or eye
54509 What dread hand & what dread feet Dare frame thy fearful symmetry?
54511 Could fetch it from the furnace deep
54512 And in thy horrid ribs dare steep
54513 In the well of sanguine woe?
54514 In what clay & in what mould
54515 Were thy eyes of fury roll'd?
54516 -- William Blake, "The Tyger"
54518 Type louder, please.
54520 U: There's a U -- a Unicorn!
54521 Run right up and rub its horn.
54522 Look at all those points you're losing!
54523 UMBER HULKS are so confusing.
54524 -- The Roguelet's ABC
54526 "Ubi non accusator, ibi non judex."
54528 (Where there is no police, there is no speed limit.)
54529 -- Roman Law, trans. Petr Beckmann (1971)
54531 Udall's Fourth Law:
54532 Any change or reform you make
54533 is going to have consequences you don't like.
54535 UFO's are for real: the Air Force doesn't exist.
54537 Uh-oh -- I've let the cat out of the bag. Let me, then,
54538 straightforwardly state the thesis I shall now elaborate:
54539 Making variations on a theme is really the crux of creativity.
54540 -- Douglas R. Hofstadter, "Metamagical Themas"
54542 Ummm, well, OK. The network's the network, the computer's the computer.
54543 Sorry for the confusion.
54544 -- Sun Microsystems
54546 Unbearably lovely music is heard as the curtain rises, and we see the
54547 woods on a summer afternoon. A fawn dances on and nibbles at some
54548 leaves. He drifts lazily through the soft foliage. Soon he starts
54549 coughing and drops dead.
54550 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
54552 "Uncle Cosmo ... why do they call this a word processor?"
54554 "It's simple, Skyler ... you've seen what food processors do to food,
54556 -- MacNelley, "Shoe"
54558 Uncle Cosmo, why do they call this a word processor?
54559 It's simple, Skyler. You've seen what food processors do to food, right?
54561 Uncle Ed's Rule of Thumb:
54562 Never use your thumb for a rule. You'll either hit it with a
54563 hammer or get a splinter in it.
54565 Under a government which imprisons any unjustly, the true place for a
54566 just man is also in prison.
54567 -- Henry David Thoreau
54569 Under any conditions, anywhere, whatever you are doing, there is some
54570 ordinance under which you can be booked.
54571 -- Robert D. Sprecht, Rand Corp.
54573 Under capitalism, man exploits man.
54574 Under communism, it's just the opposite.
54577 Under deadline pressure for the next week. If you want something, it
54578 can wait. Unless it's blind screaming paroxysmally hedonistic ...
54580 Under every stone lurks a politician.
54583 Under the wide an starry sky,
54584 Dig my grave and let me lie,
54585 Glad did I live and gladly die,
54586 And laid me down with a will,
54587 And this be the verse that you grave for me,
54588 Here he lies where he longed to be,
54589 Home is the sailor home from the sea,
54590 And the hunter home from the hill.
54593 Under the wide and heavy VAX
54594 Dig my grave and let me relax
54595 Long have I lived, and many my hacks
54596 And I lay me down with a will.
54597 These be the words that tell the way:
54598 "Here he lies who piped 64K,
54599 Brought down the machine for nearly a day,
54600 And Rogue playing to an awful standstill."
54602 Underlying Principle of Socio-Genetics:
54603 Superiority is recessive.
54606 To reach a point, in your investigation of some subject, at which
54607 you cease to examine what is really present, and operate on the
54608 basis of your own internal model instead.
54610 Understanding is always the understanding of a smaller problem
54611 in relation to a bigger problem.
54614 Unfair animal names:
54616 -- tsetse fly -- bullhead
54617 -- booby -- duck-billed platypus
54618 -- sapsucker -- Clarence
54621 UNFAIR COMPETITION:
54622 Selling cheaper than we do.
54624 Unfortunately, most programmers like to play with new toys. I have many
54625 friends who, immediately upon buying a snakebite kit, would be tempted to
54626 throw the first person they see to the ground, tie the tourniquet on him,
54627 slash him with the knife, and apply suction to the wound.
54630 Unhappy the land that needs heroes.
54634 A dues-paying club workers wield to strike management.
54636 United Nations, New York, December 25. The peace and joy of the
54637 Christmas season was marred by a proclamation of a general strike of
54638 all the military forces of the world. Panic reigns in the hearts of
54639 all the patriots of every persuasion.
54641 Meanwhile, fears of universal disaster sank to an all-time low over the
54648 Universities are places of knowledge. The freshman each bring a little
54649 in with them, and the seniors take none away, so knowledge accumulates.
54652 Like a software house, except the software's free, and it's
54653 usable, and it works, and if it breaks they'll quickly tell you how to
54656 [Okay, okay, I'll leave it in, but I think you're destroying
54657 the credibility of the entire fortune program. Ed.]
54659 University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small.
54662 UNIX enhancements aren't.
54664 Unix gives you just enough rope to hang yourself -- and then a couple
54665 of more feet, just to be sure.
54669 -- Rob Gingell on Sun Microsystems' new virtual memory
54671 Unix is a lot more complicated (than CP/M) of course -- the typical Unix
54672 hacker can never remember what the PRINT command is called this week --
54673 but when it gets right down to it, Unix is a glorified video game.
54674 People don't do serious work on Unix systems; they send jokes around the
54675 world on USENET or write adventure games and research papers.
54677 "Real Programmers Don't Use Pascal", "Datamation", 7/83
54679 Unix is a Registered Bell of AT&T Trademark Laboratories.
54682 UNIX is hot. It's more than hot. It's steaming. It's quicksilver
54683 lightning with a laserbeam kicker.
54684 -- Michael Jay Tucker
54686 UNIX is many things to many people,
54687 but it's never been everything to anybody.
54689 Unix is the worst operating system; except for all others.
54693 A computer operating system, once thought to be flabby and
54694 impotent, that now shows a surprising interest in making off
54695 with the workstation harem.
54697 unix soit qui mal y pense
54699 UNIX was half a billion (500000000) seconds old on
54700 Tue Nov 5 00:53:20 1985 GMT (measuring since the time(2) epoch).
54701 -- Andrew S. Tanenbaum
54703 UNIX was not designed to stop you from doing stupid things, because that
54704 would also stop you from doing clever things.
54707 Unix will self-destruct in five seconds... 4... 3... 2... 1...
54709 Unknown person(s) stole the American flag from its pole in Etra Park sometime
54710 between 3pm Jan 17 and 11:30 am Jan 20. The flag is described as red, white
54711 and blue, having 50 stars and was valued at $40.
54712 -- Windsor-Heights Herald "Police Blotter", Jan 28, 1987
54714 Unless hours were cups of sack, and minutes capons, and clocks the tongues
54715 of bawds, and dials the signs of leaping houses, and the blessed sun himself
54716 a fair, hot wench in flame-colored taffeta, I see no reason why thou shouldst
54717 be so superfluous to demand the time of the day. I wasted time and now doth
54719 -- William Shakespeare
54721 Unless you love someone, nothing else makes any sense.
54725 If it happens, it must be possible.
54727 Unprovided with original learning, unformed in the habits of thinking,
54728 unskilled in the arts of composition, I resolved to write a book.
54731 Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American now pays out
54732 twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages.
54735 Until Eve arrived, this was a man's world.
54739 What you left out on April 15th.
54741 Up against the net, redneck mother,
54742 Mother who has raised your son so well;
54743 He's seventeen and hackin' on a Macintosh,
54744 Flaming spelling errors and raisin' hell...
54746 Usage: fortune -P [-f] -a [xsz] Q: file [rKe9] -v6[+] file1 ...
54748 Usage: fortune -P [] -a [xsz] [Q: [file]] [rKe9] -v6[+] dataspec ... inputdir
54750 Use a pun, go to jail.
54752 Use an accordion. Go to jail.
54753 -- KFOG, San Francisco
54755 Use what talents you possess: the woods would be very silent
54756 if no birds sang there except those that sang best.
54759 USENET would be a better laboratory is there were
54760 more labor and less oratory.
54766 A programmer who will believe anything you tell him.
54769 The word computer professionals use when they mean "idiot."
54770 -- Dave Barry, "Claw Your Way to the Top"
54772 [I always thought "computer professional" was the phrase hackers used
54773 when they meant "idiot." Ed.]
54775 Using TSO is like kicking a dead whale down the beach.
54778 Using [Windows] for any sort of serious work is like playing an old
54779 text-based adventure game. You're five feet from making it to your
54780 goal, when bup-POW! a ten ton rock falls on your head. Because you
54781 didn't disarm the trap three hours before. [...]
54783 I always hated those adventure games.
54786 Using words to describe magic is like using a screwdriver to cut roast beef.
54791 Usually, when a lot of men get together, it's called a war.
54792 -- Mel Brooks, "The Listener"
54794 Utility is when you have one telephone, luxury is when you have two,
54795 opulence is when you have three -- and paradise is when you have none.
54799 A two-week binge of rest and relaxation so intense that
54800 it takes another 50 weeks of your restrained workaday
54801 life-style to recuperate.
54803 Vail's Second Axiom:
54804 The amount of work to be done increases in proportion to the
54805 amount of work already completed.
54807 Valerie: Aww, Tom, you're going maudlin on me ...
54808 Tom: I reserve the right to wax maudlin as I wane eloquent ...
54812 An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
54815 Honesty is the best policy - there's less competition.
54818 Life is a whole series of circumstances beyond your control.
54821 Ordinary flavor, standard. See FLAVOR. When used of food,
54822 very often does not mean that the food is flavored with vanilla
54823 extract! For example, "vanilla-flavored won ton soup" (or simply
54824 "vanilla won ton soup") means ordinary won ton soup, as opposed to hot
54825 and sour won ton soup.
54827 Variables don't; constants aren't.
54831 Vegetables are what food eats.
54832 Fruit are vegetables that fool you by tasting good.
54833 Fish are fast moving vegetables.
54834 Mushrooms are what grows on vegetables when food's done with them.
54835 -- Meat Eater's Credo, according to Jim Williams
54837 Vegetarians beware! You are what you eat.
54839 Velilind's Laws of Experimentation:
54840 (1) If reproducibility may be a problem, conduct the test only
54842 (2) If a straight line fit is required, obtain only two data
54846 I came, I saw, I did a little shopping.
54848 Verba volant, scripta manent!
54850 Vermouth always makes me brilliant unless it makes me idiotic.
54853 Very few people do anything creative after the age of thirty-five. The
54854 reason is that very few people do anything creative before the age of
54858 Very few profundities can be expressed in less than 80 characters.
54860 Very few things actually get manufactured these days, because in an
54861 infinitely large Universe, such as the one in which we live, most things one
54862 could possibly imagine, and a lot of things one would rather not, grow
54863 somewhere. A forest was discovered recently in which most of the trees grew
54864 ratchet screwdrivers as fruit. The life cycle of the ratchet screwdriver is
54865 quite interesting. Once picked it needs a dark dusty drawer in which it can
54866 lie undisturbed for years. Then one night it suddenly hatches, discards its
54867 outer skin that crumbles into dust, and emerges as a totally unidentifiable
54868 little metal object with flanges at both ends and a sort of ridge and a hole
54869 for a screw. This, when found, will get thrown away. No one knows what the
54870 screwdriver is supposed to gain from this. Nature, in her infinite wisdom,
54871 is presumably working on it.
54873 Very few things happen at the right time, and the rest do not happen
54874 at all. The conscientious historian will correct these defects.
54877 Vests are to suits as seat-belts are to cars.
54880 A hungry dog hunts best.
54881 A hungrier dog hunts even better.
54883 Decreased business base increases overhead.
54884 So does increased business base.
54886 The most unsuccessful four years in the education of a cost-estimator
54887 is fifth grade arithmetic.
54889 Acronyms and abbreviations should be used to the maximum extent
54890 possible to make trivial ideas profound. Q.E.D.
54892 Bulls do not win bull fights; people do.
54893 People do not win people fights; lawyers do.
54894 -- Norman Augustine
54896 Victory uber allies!
54899 1. Daring Scandinavian seafarers, explorers, adventurers,
54900 entrepreneurs world-famous for their aggressive, nautical import
54901 business, highly leveraged takeovers and blue eyes.
54902 2. Bloodthirsty sea pirates who ravaged northern Europe beginning
54903 in the 9th century.
54905 Hagar's note: The first definition is much preferred; the second is used
54906 only by malcontents, the envious, and disgruntled owners of waterfront
54909 Vila: "I think I have just made the biggest mistake of my life."
54910 Orac: "It is unlikely. I would predict there are far greater mistakes
54911 waiting to be made by someone with your obvious talent for it."
54914 [I came, I saw, I conquered].
54915 -- Gaius Julius Caesar
54917 Violence is a sword that has no handle -- you have to hold the blade.
54919 Violence is molding.
54921 Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.
54924 Violence stinks, no matter which end of it you're on. But now and then
54925 there's nothing left to do but hit the other person over the head with a
54926 frying pan. Sometimes people are just begging for that frypan, and if we
54927 weaken for a moment and honor their request, we should regard it as
54928 impulsive philanthropy, which we aren't in any position to afford, but
54929 shouldn't regret it too loudly lest we spoil the purity of the deed.
54933 A group of beautifully mounted hunters galloping behind
54934 baying hounds in pursuit of a union organizer.
54936 Virginia law forbids bathtubs in the house; tubs must be kept in the
54939 VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept 22)
54940 Learn something new today, like how to spell or how to count to
54941 ten without using your fingers. Be careful dressing this
54942 morning. You may be hit by a car later in the day and you
54943 wouldn't want to be taken to the doctor's office in some of
54944 that old underwear you own.
54946 VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept 22)
54947 You are the logical type and hate disorder. This nitpicking is
54948 sickening to your friends. You are cold and unemotional and
54949 sometimes fall asleep while making love. Virgos make good bus
54952 "Virtual" means never knowing where your next byte is coming from.
54954 Virtue does not always demand a heavy sacrifice --
54955 only the willingness to make it when necessary.
54958 Virtue is its own punishment.
54961 Virtue is not left to stand alone.
54962 He who practices it will have neighbors.
54965 Virtue would go far if vanity did not keep it company.
54966 -- La Rochefoucauld
54968 Visit beautiful Vergas Minnesota.
54970 Visit beautiful Wisconsin Dells.
54972 Visits always give pleasure: if not on arrival, then on the departure.
54973 -- Edouard Le Berquier, "Pensees des Autres"
54975 Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by spontaneously moving
54976 from where you left them to where you can't find them.
54978 Vitamin C deficiency is apauling.
54980 VMS is like a nightmare about RSX-11M.
54983 The world's foremost multi-user adventure game.
54985 VMS version 2.0 ==>
54987 Voiceless it cries,
54993 A mountain with hiccups.
54995 Volcanoes have a grandeur that is grim
54996 And earthquakes only terrify the dolts,
54997 And to him who's scientific
54998 There is nothing that's terrific
54999 In the pattern of a flight of thunderbolts!
55000 -- W. S. Gilbert, "The Mikado"
55003 It is better to have lobbed and lost
55004 than never to have lobbed at all.
55006 Von Neumann was the subject of many dotty professor stories. Von Neumann
55007 supposedly had the habit of simply writing answers to homework assignments on
55008 the board (the method of solution being, of course, obvious) when he was asked
55009 how to solve problems. One time one of his students tried to get more helpful
55010 information by asking if there was another way to solve the problem. Von
55011 Neumann looked blank for a moment, thought, and then answered, "Yes.".
55015 Vote early and vote often.
55016 -- Al Capone's slogan for Big Bill Thompson's anti-reform
55017 campaign for Mayor of Chicago, 1926. Big Bill won.
55019 Vote for ME -- I'm well-tapered, half-cocked, ill-conceived and
55023 The feeling that you've *never*, *ever* been in this situation before.
55025 VYARZERZOMANIMORORSEZASSEZANSERAREORSES?
55027 Wad some power the giftie gie us
55028 To see oursels as others see us.
55031 Wagner's music is better than it sounds.
55034 Wait for that wisest of all counselors, Time.
55037 Waiter: "Tea or coffee, gentlemen?"
55038 1st customer: "I'll have tea."
55039 2nd customer: "Me, too -- and be sure the glass is clean!"
55040 (Waiter exits, returns)
55041 Waiter: "Two teas. Which one asked for the clean glass?"
55043 Wake up all you citizens, hear your country's call,
55044 Not to arms and violence, But peace for one and all.
55045 Crush out hate and prejudice, fear and greed and sin,
55046 Help bring back her dignity, restore her faith again.
55048 Work hard for a common cause, don't let our country fall.
55049 Make her proud and strong again, democracy for all.
55050 Yes, make our country strong again, keep our flag unfurled.
55051 Make our country well again, respected by the world.
55053 Make her whole and beautiful, work from sun to sun.
55054 Stand tall and labor side by side, because there's so much to be done.
55055 Yes, make her whole and beautiful, united strong and free,
55056 Wake up, all you citizens, It's up to you and me.
55057 -- Pansy Myers Schroeder
55059 Wake up and smell the coffee.
55062 Waking a person unnecessarily should not be considered
55063 a capital crime. For a first offense, that is.
55065 Walk softly and carry a big stick.
55066 -- Theodore Roosevelt
55068 Walk softly and carry a megawatt laser.
55070 Walking on water wasn't built in a day.
55073 Walt: Dad, what's gradual school?
55074 Garp: Gradual school?
55075 Walt: Yeah. Mom says her work's more fun now that she's teaching
55077 Garp: Oh. Well, gradual school is someplace you go and gradually
55078 find out that you don't want to go to school anymore.
55079 -- The World According To Garp
55082 All airline flights depart from the gates most distant from
55083 the center of the terminal. Nobody ever had a reservation
55084 on a plane that left Gate 1.
55088 Wanna tell you all a story 'bout a man named Jed,
55089 A poor mountaineer, barely kept his family fed.
55090 But then one day he was shootin' at some food,
55091 When up through the ground come a bubblin' crude -- oil, that is;
55092 black gold; "Texas tea" ...
55094 Well the next thing ya know, old Jed's a millionaire.
55095 The kinfolk said, "Jed, move away from there!"
55096 They said, "Californy is the place ya oughta be",
55097 So they loaded up the truck and they moved to Beverly -- Hills, that is;
55098 swimmin' pools; movie stars.
55100 War doesn't prove who's right, just who's left.
55102 War hath no fury like a non-combatant.
55103 -- Charles Edward Montague
55105 War is an equal opportunity destroyer.
55107 War is delightful to those who have had no experience of it.
55108 -- Desiderius Erasmus
55110 War is like love, it always finds a way.
55111 -- Bertolt Brecht, "Mother Courage"
55113 War is much too serious a matter to be entrusted to the military.
55116 War is peace. Freedom is slavery. Ketchup is a vegetable.
55118 War spares not the brave, but the cowardly.
55122 Reading this fortune can affect the dimensionality of your
55123 mind, change the curvature of your spine, cause the growth of hair on
55124 your palms, and make a difference in the outcome of your favorite war.
55127 This system is subject to breakdowns during periods of critical need!
55128 A special circuit in the computer called a "critical detector" senses the
55129 user's emotional state in terms of how desperate they are to get their program
55130 to run. The "critical detector" then creates a bug in the program proportional
55131 to the desperation of the user. Threatening the terminal with violence only
55132 aggravates the situation, causing the program to immediately crash or the
55133 entire system to go down. Likewise, attempts to use another terminal may cause
55134 it to core dump. (They all belong to the same LAN.) Keep cool and say nice
55135 things to the terminal.
55137 Warning: Do not look directly into laser with remaining eye.
55139 Warning: Listening to WXRT on April Fools' Day is not recommended for
55140 those who are slightly disoriented the first few hours after waking
55142 -- Chicago Reader 4/22/83
55144 Warning: Trespassers will be shot.
55145 Survivors will be shot again.
55148 This machine is subject to breakdowns during periods of critical need.
55150 A special circuit in the machine called "critical detector" senses the
55151 operator's emotional state in terms of how desperate he/she is to use the
55152 machine. The "critical detector" then creates a malfunction proportional
55153 to the desperation of the operator. Threatening the machine with violence
55154 only aggravates the situation. Likewise, attempts to use another machine
55155 may cause it to malfunction. They belong to the same union. Keep cool
55156 and say nice things to the machine. Nothing else seems to work.
55158 See also: flog(1), tm(1)
55160 Warp 7 -- It's a law we can live with.
55162 Was there a time when dancers with their fiddles
55163 In children's circuses could stay their troubles?
55164 There was a time they could cry over books,
55165 But time has set its maggot on their track.
55166 Under the arc of the sky they are unsafe.
55167 What's never known is safest in this life.
55168 Under the skysigns they who have no arms
55169 Have cleanest hands, and, as the heartless ghost
55170 Alone's unhurt, so the blind man sees best.
55171 -- Dylan Thomas, "Was There A Time"
55173 Washington, D.C: Fifty square miles almost completely surrounded by reality.
55175 Washington [D.C.] is a city of Southern efficiency and Northern charm.
55178 [Washington, D.C.] is the home of... taste for
55179 the people -- the big, the bland and the banal.
55180 -- Ada Louise Huxtable
55182 Washington, D.C: Wasting your money since 1810.
55184 Wasn't there something about a PASCAL programmer
55185 knowing the value of everything and the Wirth of nothing?
55187 Waste not fresh tears over old griefs.
55190 Waste not, get your budget cut next year.
55192 Wasting time is an important part of living.
55194 Watch all-night Donna Reed reruns until your mind resembles oatmeal.
55196 Watch your mouth, kid, or you'll find yourself floating home.
55199 Water, taken in moderation cannot hurt anybody.
55203 You've read the book. You've seen the movie. Now eat the stew!
55206 The reliability of machinery is inversely proportional to the
55207 number and significance of any persons watching it.
55210 The single most important word in the world.
55212 We all agree on the necessity of compromise. We just can't agree on
55213 when it's necessary to compromise.
55216 We all declare for liberty, but in using the
55217 same word we do not all mean the same thing.
55220 We all dream of being the darling of everybody's darling.
55222 We all know that no one understands anything that isn't funny.
55224 We all like praise, but a hike in our pay is the best kind of ways.
55226 We all live in a state of ambitious poverty.
55227 -- Decimus Junius Juvenalis
55229 We all live under the same sky, but we don't all have the same horizon.
55230 -- Dr. Konrad Adenauer
55232 We are all agreed that your theory is crazy. The question which
55233 divides us is whether it is crazy enough to have a chance of being
55234 correct. My own feeling is that it is not crazy enough.
55237 We are all born charming, fresh and spontaneous and must be civilized
55238 before we are fit to participate in society.
55239 -- Judith Martin, "Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly
55242 We are all born equal... just some of us are more equal than others.
55244 We are all born mad. Some remain so.
55247 We are all dying -- and we're gonna be dead for a long time.
55249 We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.
55252 We are all so much together and yet we are all dying of loneliness.
55253 -- Albert Schweitzer
55255 We are all worms. But I do believe I am a glowworm.
55256 -- Winston Churchill
55258 We are anthill men upon an anthill world.
55261 We ARE as gods and might as well get good at it.
55262 -- Whole Earth Catalog
55264 We are confronted with insurmountable opportunities.
55265 -- Walt Kelly, "Pogo"
55267 We are drowning in information but starved for knowledge.
55268 -- John Naisbitt, "Megatrends"
55270 We are each entitled to our own opinion, but no one is entitled to his
55272 -- Patrick Moynihan
55274 We are each only one drop in a great
55275 ocean -- but some of the drops sparkle!
55277 We are experiencing system trouble -- do not adjust your terminal.
55279 We are giving instruction to FBI agents in the various Chinese
55280 dialects ... to handle present and likely future contingencies.
55283 We are going to give a little something, a few little years more, to
55284 socialism, because socialism is defunct. It dies all by itself. The
55285 bad thing is that socialism, being a victim of its ... Did I say
55289 We are going to have peace even if we have to fight for it.
55290 -- Dwight D. Eisenhower
55292 We are Microsoft. Unix is irrelevant.
55293 Openness is futile. Prepare to be assimilated.
55295 We are not a clone.
55297 We are not a loved organization, but we are a respected one.
55302 We are not loved by our friends for what we are;
55303 rather, we are loved in spite of what we are.
55306 "We are on the verge: Today our program proved Fermat's next-to-last
55308 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
55310 We are preparing to think about contemplating preliminary work on plans to
55311 develop a schedule for producing the 10th Edition of the Unix Programmers
55315 We are simple killers of people and destroyers of property.
55317 We are so fond of each other because our ailments are the same.
55320 We are sorry. We cannot complete your call as dialed. Please check
55321 the number and dial again or ask your operator for assistance.
55323 This is a recording.
55325 We are stronger than our skin of flesh and metal, for we carry and
55326 share a spectrum of suns and lands that lends us legends as we craft
55327 our immortality and interweave our destinies of water and air,
55328 leaving shadows that gather color of their own, until they outshine
55329 the substance that cast them.
55331 We are the people our parents warned us about.
55333 We are the unwilling... led by the unqualified...
55334 to do the unnecessary... for the ungrateful...
55335 -- GI in Vietnam, 1970
55337 We are unavoidably drawn towards conservatism and death.
55338 The order is not insignificant.
55339 -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967)
55341 "We are upping our standards ... so up yours."
55342 -- Pat Paulsen for President, 1988
55344 We are what we are.
55346 We are what we pretend to be.
55347 -- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.
55349 We can defeat gravity. The problem is the paperwork involved.
55351 We can embody the truth, but we cannot know it.
55354 We can found no scientific discipline, nor a healthy profession on the
55355 technical mistakes of the Department of Defense and IBM.
55356 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
55358 We cannot command nature except by obeying her.
55359 -- Sir Francis Bacon
55361 We cannot do everything at once, but we can do something at once.
55364 We cannot put the face of a person on a stamp unless said person is
55365 deceased. My suggestion, therefore, is that you drop dead.
55366 -- James E. Day, Postmaster General
55368 We could do that, but it would be wrong, that's for sure.
55371 We could nuke Baghdad into glass, wipe it with Windex, tie fatback on our
55372 feet and go skating.
55373 -- Fred Reed, Air Force Times columnist
55375 We dedicate this book to our fellow citizens who, for love of truth,
55376 take from their own wants by taxes and gifts, and now and then send
55377 forth one of themselves as dedicated servant, to forward the search
55378 into the mysteries and marvelous simplicities of this strange and
55379 beautiful Universe, Our home.
55380 -- "Gravitation", Misner, Thorne, and Wheeler
55382 We demand rigidly defined areas of doubt and uncertainty!
55385 We don't believe in rheumatism and true love until after the first attack.
55386 -- Marie Ebner von Eschenbach
55388 We don't care. We don't have to. We're the Phone Company.
55390 We don't care how they do it in New York.
55392 We don't have to protect the environment -- the Second Coming is at hand.
55393 -- James Watt, noted theologian
55395 We don't know one millionth of one percent about anything.
55397 We don't know who discovered water, but we're certain it wasn't a
55400 We don't know who it was that discovered water, but we're pretty sure
55401 that it wasn't a fish.
55402 -- Marshall McLuhan
55404 We don't like their sound. Groups of guitars are on the way out.
55405 -- Decca Recording Company, turning down the Beatles, 1962
55407 We don't need no education, we don't need no thought control.
55410 We don't need no indirection We don't need no compilation
55411 We don't need no flow control We don't need no load control
55412 No data typing or declarations No link edit for external bindings
55413 Hey! did you leave the lists alone? Hey! did you leave that source alone?
55415 Oh No. It's just a pure LISP function call.
55417 We don't need no side-effecting We don't need no allocation
55418 We don't need no flow control We don't need no special-nodes
55419 No global variables for execution No dark bit-flipping for debugging
55420 Hey! did you leave the args alone? Hey! did you leave those bits alone?
55422 -- "Another Glitch in the Call", a la Pink Floyd
55424 We don't really understand it, so we'll give it to the programmers.
55426 We don't smoke and we don't chew, and we don't go with girls that do.
55429 We don't understand the software, and sometimes we don't understand the
55430 hardware, but we can *___
\b\b\bsee* the blinking lights!
55432 We don't understand the software, and sometimes we don't
55433 understand the hardware, but we can *see* the blinking lights!
55435 We found on St. Paul's only two kinds of birds -- the booby and the noddy...
55436 Both are of a tame and stupid disposition, and are so unaccustomed to
55437 visitors, that I could have killed any number of them with my geological
55441 We gave you an atomic bomb, what do you want, mermaids?
55442 -- I. I. Rabi to the Atomic Energy Commission
55444 We give advice, but we cannot give the wisdom to profit by it.
55445 -- La Rochefoucauld
55447 We gotta get out of this place,
55448 If it's the last thing we ever do.
55451 We had it tough ... I had to get up at 9 o'clock at night, half an
55452 hour before I went to bed, eat a lump of dry poison, work 29 hours down
55453 mill, and when we came home our Dad would kill us, and dance about on
55454 our grave singing Hallelujah ...
55457 We have an equal opportunity Calculus class -- it's fully integrated.
55459 We have art that we do not die of the truth.
55460 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
55462 We have ears, earther...FOUR OF THEM!
55464 We have gone on piling weapon upon weapon, missile upon missile, new
55465 levels of destructiveness upon old ones. We have done this helplessly,
55466 almost involuntarily: like the victims of some sort of hypnotism, like
55467 men in a dream, like lemmings heading for the sea, like the children of
55468 Hamelin marching blindly along behind their Pied Piper. And the result
55469 is that today we have achieved, we and the Russians together, in the
55470 creation of these devices and their means of delivery, levels of
55471 redundancy of such grotesque dimensions as to defy rational understanding.
55472 -- George Kennan, May 19, 1981
55474 We have lingered long enough on the shores of the Cosmic Ocean.
55477 We have met the enemy, and he is us.
55480 We have more to fear from the bungling of the incompetent
55481 than from the machinations of the wicked.
55483 We have no scorched earth policy.
55484 We have a policy of scorched Communists.
55485 -- General Efrain Rios Montt, President of Guatemala, 1982
55487 We have not inherited the earth from our parents, we've borrowed it from
55490 We have nowhere else to go... this is all we have.
55493 We have only two things to worry about: That things will never get
55494 back to normal, and that they already have.
55496 We have reason to be afraid. This is a terrible place.
55499 "We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his
55500 hands for masturbation."
55503 We have seen the light at the end of the tunnel, and it's out.
55505 We have the flu. I don't know if this particular strain has an
55506 official name, but if it does, it must be something like "Martian Death
55507 Flu". You may have had it yourself. The main symptom is that you wish
55508 you had another setting on your electric blanket, up past "HIGH", that
55509 said "ELECTROCUTION".
55511 Another symptom is that you cease brushing your teeth, because (a) your
55512 teeth hurt, and (b) you lack the strength. Midway through the brushing
55513 process, you'd have to lie down in front of the sink to rest for a
55514 couple of hours, and rivulets of toothpaste foam would dribble sideways
55515 out of your mouth, eventually hardening into crusty little toothpaste
55516 stalagmites that would bond your head permanently to the bathroom
55517 floor, which is how the police would find you.
55519 You know the kind of flu I'm talking about.
55520 -- Dave Barry, "Molecular Homicide"
55522 We interrupt this fortune for an important announcement...
55524 We invented a new protocol and called it Kermit, after Kermit the Frog,
55525 star of "The Muppet Show." [3]
55527 [3] Why? Mostly because there was a Muppets calendar on the wall when we
55528 were trying to think of a name, and Kermit is a pleasant, unassuming sort of
55529 character. But since we weren't sure whether it was OK to name our protocol
55530 after this popular television and movie star, we pretended that KERMIT was an
55531 acronym; unfortunately, we could never find a good set of words to go with the
55532 letters, as readers of some of our early source code can attest. Later, while
55533 looking through a name book for his forthcoming baby, Bill Catchings noticed
55534 that "Kermit" was a Celtic word for "free", which is what all Kermit programs
55535 should be, and words to this effect replaced the strained acronyms in our
55536 source code (Bill's baby turned out to be a girl, so he had to name her Becky
55537 instead). When BYTE Magazine was preparing our 1984 Kermit article for
55538 publication, they suggested we contact Henson Associates Inc. for permission
55539 to say that we did indeed name the protocol after Kermit the Frog. Permission
55540 was kindly granted, and now the real story can be told. I resisted the
55541 temptation, however, to call the present work "Kermit the Book."
55542 -- Frank da Cruz, "Kermit - A File Transfer Protocol"
55544 We know next to nothing about virtually everything. It is not necessary
55545 to know the origin of the universe; it is necessary to want to know.
55546 Civilization depends not on any particular knowledge, but on the disposition
55547 to crave knowledge.
55550 We laugh at the Indian philosopher, who to account for the support
55551 of the earth, contrived the hypothesis of a huge elephant, and to support
55552 the elephant, a huge tortoise. If we will candidly confess the truth, we
55553 know as little of the operation of the nerves, as he did of the manner in
55554 which the earth is supported: and our hypothesis about animal spirits, or
55555 about the tension and vibrations of the nerves, are as like to be true, as
55556 his about the support of the earth. His elephant was a hypothesis, and our
55557 hypotheses are elephants. Every theory in philosophy, which is built on
55558 pure conjecture, is an elephant; and every theory that is supported partly
55559 by fact, and partly by conjecture, is like Nebuchadnezzar's image, whose
55560 feet were partly of iron, and partly of clay.
55561 -- Thomas Reid, "An Inquiry into the Human Mind", 1764
55563 We lie loudest when we lie to ourselves.
55566 We love our little Johnny
55567 He's the best little boy in all the world
55568 And we wouldn't trade him for anything
55569 That's how much we love him.
55570 No, we couldn't live without him
55571 So that's why, since he died,
55572 We keep him safe in our G.E. freezer.
55573 He's so good, so well-behaved,
55574 Even better than before;
55575 Oh, such a wonderful kid he is.
55576 Alice and me, we'll never be lonely,
55577 Never miss our little Johnny,
55578 He'll never grow up and leave us
55579 That's why we love him like we do.
55582 "We maintain that the very foundation of our way of life is what we call
55583 free enterprise," said Cash McCall, "but when one of our citizens
55584 show enough free enterprise to pile up a little of that profit, we do
55585 our best to make him feel that he ought to be ashamed of himself."
55588 We may eventually come to realize that chastity is no more a virtue
55592 We may hope that machines will eventually compete with men in all
55593 purely intellectual fields. But which are the best ones to start
55594 with? Many people think that a very abstract activity, like the
55595 playing of chess, would be best. It can also be maintained that it is
55596 best to provide the machine with the best sense organs that money can
55597 buy, and then teach it to understand and speak English.
55600 We may not be able to persuade Hindus that Jesus and not Vishnu should govern
55601 their spiritual horizon, nor Moslems that Lord Buddha is at the center of
55602 their spiritual universe, nor Hebrews that Mohammed is a major prophet, nor
55603 Christians that Shinto best expresses their spiritual concerns, to say
55604 nothing of the fact that we may not be able to get Christians to agree among
55605 themselves about their relationship to God. But all will agree on a
55606 proposition that they possess profound spiritual resources. If, in addition,
55607 we can get them to accept the further proposition that whatever form the
55608 Deity may have in their own theology, the Deity is not only external, but
55609 internal and acts through them, and they themselves give proof or disproof
55610 of the Deity in what they do and think; if this further proposition can be
55611 accepted, then we come that much closer to a truly religious situation on
55613 -- Norman Cousins, from his book "Human Options"
55615 We may not like doctors, but at least they doctor. Bankers are not ever
55616 popular but at least they bank. Policeman police and undertakers take
55617 under. But lawyers do not give us law. We receive not the gladsome light
55618 of jurisprudence, but rather precedents, objections, appeals, stays,
55619 filings and forms, motions and counter-motions, all at $250 an hour.
55620 -- Nolo News, summer 1989
55622 We may not return the affection of those who like us, but we always
55623 respect their good judgement.
55625 ...we must be wary of granting too much power to natural selection
55626 by viewing all basic capacities of our brain as direct adaptations.
55627 I do not doubt that natural selection acted in building our oversized
55628 brains -- and I am equally confident that our brains became large as
55629 an adaptation for definite roles (probably a complex set of interacting
55630 functions). But these assumptions do not lead to the notion, often
55631 uncritically embraced by strict Darwinians, that all major capacities
55632 of the brain must arise as direct products of natural selection.
55633 -- S. J. Gould, "The Mismeasure of Man"
55635 We must believe that it is the darkest before the dawn
55636 of a beautiful new world. We will see it when we believe it.
55639 We must die because we have known them.
55640 -- Ptah-hotep, 2000 B.C.
55642 We must finish once and for all with the neutrality of chess. We must
55643 condemn once and for all the formula "chess for the sake of chess," like
55644 the formula "art for art's sake." We must organize shock-brigades of
55645 chess-players, and begin the immediate realization of a Five-Year Plan
55647 -- Nikolai V. Krylenko, People's Commissar for Justice
55648 (of RFSFR, later of USSR), speaking at a 1932 Congress
55649 of Chess Players, as quoted in Boris Souvarine's
55650 "Stalin," published London, 1939
55652 ...we must not judge the society of the future by considering whether or not
55653 we should like to live in it; the question is whether those who have grown up
55654 in it will be happier than those who have grown up in our society or those of
55656 -- Joseph Wood Krutch
55658 We must remember that in time of war what is said on the enemy's side of
55659 the front is always propaganda and what is said on our side of the front
55660 is truth and righteousness, the cause of humanity and a crusade for peace.
55663 We must remember the First Amendment which protects any shrill jackass
55664 no matter how self-seeking.
55665 -- F. G. Withington
55667 We must respect the other fellow's religion, but only in the sense and to
55668 the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his
55670 -- H. L. Mencken, "Minority Report"
55672 We only acknowledge small faults in order
55673 to make it appear that we are free from great ones.
55674 -- La Rochefoucauld
55676 We ought to be very grateful that we have tools. Millions of years ago
55677 people did not have them, and home projects were extremely difficult.
55678 For example, when a primitive person wanted to put up paneling, he had
55679 to drive the little paneling nails into the cave wall with his bare
55680 fist, so generally the paneling wound up getting spattered with
55681 primitive blood, which isn't really all that bad when you consider how
55682 ugly paneling is to begin with.
55683 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
55685 We prefer to believe that the absence of inverted commas guarantees the
55686 originality of a thought, whereas it may be merely that the utterer has
55687 forgotten its source.
55688 -- Clifton Fadiman, "Any Number Can Play"
55690 We prefer to speak evil of ourselves
55691 rather than not speak of ourselves at all.
55693 We promise according to our hopes, and perform according to our fears.
55695 We rarely find anyone who can say he has lived a happy life, and who,
55696 content with his life, can retire from the world like a satisfied guest.
55697 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
55699 We read to say that we have read.
55701 We really don't have any enemies. It's just that some of our best
55702 friends are trying to kill us.
55704 We secure our friends not by accepting favors but by doing them.
55707 We seem to have forgotten the simple truth that reason is never perfect.
55708 Only non-sense attains perfection.
55709 -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967)
55711 We seldom repent talking too little, but very often talking too much.
55712 -- Jean de la Bruyere
55714 We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is
55715 in it - and stay there, lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot
55716 stove-lid. She will never sit down on a hot stove-lid again - and that
55717 is well; but also she will never sit down on a cold one any more.
55720 We should be glad we're living in the time that we are. If any of us had been
55721 born into a more enlightened age, I'm sure we would have immediately been taken
55725 We should have a great many fewer disputes in the world if only words were
55726 taken for what they are, the signs of our ideas only, and not for things
55730 We should have a Vollyballocracy. We elect a six-pack of presidents.
55731 Each one serves until they screw up, at which point they rotate.
55734 We should keep the Panama Canal. After all, we stole it fair and square.
55737 We should realize that a city is better off with bad laws, so long as they
55738 remain fixed, then with good laws that are constantly being altered, that
55739 the lack of learning combined with sound common sense is more helpful than
55740 the kind of cleverness that gets out of hand, and that as a general rule,
55741 states are better governed by the man in the street than by intellectuals.
55742 These are the sort of people who want to appear wiser than the laws, who
55743 want to get their own way in every general discussion, because they feel that
55744 they cannot show off their intelligence in matters of greater importance, and
55745 who, as a result, very often bring ruin on their country.
55746 -- Cleon, Thucydides, III, 37 translation by Rex Warner
55748 We the unwilling, led by the ungrateful, are doing the impossible.
55749 We've done so much, for so long, with so little,
55750 that we are now qualified to do something with nothing.
55752 We the Users, in order to form a more perfect system, establish priorities,
55753 ensure connective tranquility, provide for common repairs, promote
55754 preventive maintenance, and secure the blessings of liberty for ourselves
55755 and our processes, do ordain and establish this Software of The Unixed States
55758 We thrive on euphemism. We call multi-megaton bombs "Peace-keepers", closet
55759 size apartments "efficient" and incomprehensible artworks "innovative". In
55760 fact, "euphemism" has become a euphemism for "bald-faced lie". And now, here
55761 are the euphemisms so colorfully employed in Personal Ads:
55764 ------------------- -------------------------
55765 Excited about life's journey No concept of reality
55766 Spiritually evolved Oversensitive
55767 Moody Manic-depressive
55768 Soulful Quiet manic-depressive
55769 Poet Boring manic-depressive
55770 Sultry/Sensual Easy
55771 Uninhibited Lacking basic social skills
55772 Unaffected and earthy Slob and lacking basic social skills
55773 Irreverent Nasty and lacking basic social skills
55774 Very human Quasimodo's best friend
55775 Swarthy Sweaty even when cold or standing still
55776 Spontaneous/Eclectic Scatterbrained
55778 Aging child Self-centered adult
55779 Youthful Over 40 and trying to deny it
55780 Good sense of humor Watches a lot of television
55782 We thrive on euphemism. We call multi-megaton bombs "Peace-keepers", closet
55783 size apartments "efficient" and incomprehensible artworks "innovative". In
55784 fact, "euphemism" has become a euphemism for "bald-faced lie". And now, here
55785 are the euphemisms so colorfully employed in Personal Ads:
55788 ------------------- -------------------------
55789 Independent thinker Crazy
55790 High spirited Crazy and hyperactive
55791 Free spirited Crazy and irresponsible
55792 Outrageous Crazy and obnoxious
55793 Exotic Crazy with a pierced nose/nipple
55795 Huggable/Zaftig/Rubenesque Fat (there's a lot to love)
55796 Big and beautiful Really Fat
55797 Fat 'n' sassy Really Fat and loud
55798 Svelte/Slender Anorexic
55800 Assertive Pushy with a mean streak
55801 Feisty/Ambitious Would kill own mother for next corporate rung
55802 Demanding Will make your life a living hell
55803 Looking for Mr./Ms. Right Looking for Mr./Ms. Rich
55805 We totally deny the allegations, and
55806 we're trying to identify the allegators.
55808 We tried to close Ohio's borders and ran into a Constitutional problem.
55809 There's a provision in the Constitution that says you can't close your
55810 borders to interstate commerce, and garbage is a form of interstate commerce.
55811 -- Ohio Lt. Governor Paul Leonard
55813 [We] use bad software and bad machines for the wrong things.
55816 We warn the reader in advance that the proof presented here
55817 depends on a clever but highly unmotivated trick.
55818 -- Howard Anton, "Elementary Linear Algebra"
55820 We was playin' the Homestead Grays in the city of Pitchburgh. Josh
55821 [Gibson] comes up in the last of the ninth with a man on and us a run
55822 behind. Well, he hit one. The Grays waited around and waited around,
55823 but finally the empire rules it ain't comin' down. So we win. The
55824 next day, we was disputin' the Grays in Philadelphia when here come
55825 a ball outta the sky right in the glove of the Grays' center fielder.
55826 The empire made the only possible call. "You're out, boy!" he says
55827 to Josh. "Yesterday, in Pitchburgh."
55830 We were happily married for eight months. Unfortunately, we
55831 were married for four and a half years.
55834 We were so poor that we thought new clothes meant someone had died.
55836 We were so poor we couldn't afford a watchdog.
55837 If we heard a noise at night, we'd bark ourselves.
55840 We who revel in nature's diversity and feel instructed by every animal
55841 tend to brand Homo sapiens as the greatest catastrophe since the Cretaceous
55845 We will have solar energy as soon as the utility companies solve one
55846 technical problem -- how to run a sunbeam through a meter.
55848 We will invent new lullabies, new songs, new acts of love,
55849 we will cry over things we used to laugh &
55850 our new wisdom will bring tears to eyes of gentle
55851 creatures from other planets who were afraid of us till then &
55852 in the end a summer with wild winds &
55853 new friends will be.
55855 We wish you a Hare Krishna
55856 We wish you a Hare Krishna
55857 We wish you a Hare Krishna
55858 And a Sun Myung Moon!
55862 An index of the lack of development of a culture.
55864 Wedding is destiny, and hanging likewise.
55868 A ceremony at which two persons undertake to become one, one
55869 undertakes to become nothing and nothing undertakes to become
55871 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
55873 Wedding rings are the world's smallest handcuffs.
55876 Never ask two questions in a business letter.
55877 The reply will discuss the one in which you are
55878 least interested and say nothing about the other.
55880 Weekend, where are you?
55883 Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it
55887 Nothing is impossible to a person who doesn't have to do the work.
55889 Weinberg, as a young grocery clerk, advised the grocery manager to get
55890 rid of rutabagas which nobody every bought. He did so. "Well, kid, that
55891 was a great idea," said the manager. Then he paused and asked the killer
55892 question, "NOW what's the least popular vegetable?"
55894 Law: Once you eliminate your #1 problem, #2 gets a promotion.
55895 -- Gerald Weinberg, "The Secrets of Consulting"
55897 Weinberg's First Law:
55898 Progress is made on alternate Fridays.
55900 Weinberg's Principle:
55901 An expert is a person who avoids the small errors while
55902 sweeping on to the grand fallacy.
55904 Weinberg's Second Law:
55905 If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs,
55906 then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.
55909 Weiner's Law of Libraries:
55910 There are no answers, only cross references.
55912 Welcome thy neighbor into thy fallout shelter. He'll come in handy if
55913 you run out of food.
55916 Welcome to boggle - do you want instructions?
55928 Welcome to Lake Wobegon, where all the men are strong,
55929 The women are pretty, and the children are above-average.
55930 -- Garrison Keillor
55932 Welcome to the Zoo!
55934 Welcome to UNIX! Enjoy your session! Have a great time! Note the
55935 use of exclamation points! They are a very effective method for
55936 demonstrating excitement, and can also spice up an otherwise plain-looking
55937 sentence! However, there are drawbacks! Too much unnecessary exclaiming
55938 can lead to a reduction in the effect that an exclamation point has on
55939 the reader! For example, the sentence
55941 Jane went to the store to buy bread
55943 should only be ended with an exclamation point if there is something
55944 sensational about her going to the store, for example, if Jane is a
55945 cocker spaniel or if Jane is on a diet that doesn't allow bread or if
55946 Jane doesn't exist for some reason! See how easy it is?! Proper control
55947 of exclamation points can add new meaning to your life! Call now to receive
55948 my free pamphlet, "The Wonder and Mystery of the Exclamation Point!"!
55949 Enclose fifteen(!) dollars for postage and handling! Operators are
55950 standing by! (Which is pretty amazing, because they're all cocker spaniels!)
55953 If you think our liquor laws are funny, you should see our underwear!
55955 Well, anyway, I was reading this James Bond book, and right away I realized
55956 that like most books, it had too many words. The plot was the same one that
55957 all James Bond books have: An evil person tries to blow up the world, but
55958 James Bond kills him and his henchmen and makes love to several attractive
55959 women. There, that's it: 24 words. But the guy who wrote the book took
55960 *thousands* of words to say it.
55961 Or consider "The Brothers Karamazov", by the famous Russian alcoholic
55962 Fyodor Dostoyevsky. It's about these two brothers who kill their father.
55963 Or maybe only one of them kills the father. It's impossible to tell because
55964 what they mostly do is talk for nearly a thousand pages.If all Russians talk
55965 as much as the Karamazovs did, I don't see how they found time to become a
55967 I'm told that Dostoyevsky wrote "The Brothers Karamazov" to raise
55968 the question of whether there is a God. So why didn't he just come right
55969 out and say: "Is there a God? It sure beats the heck out of me."
55970 Other famous works could easily have been summarized in a few words:
55972 * "Moby Dick" -- Don't mess around with large whales because they symbolize
55973 nature and will kill you.
55974 * "A Tale of Two Cities" -- French people are crazy.
55977 We'll be recording at the Paradise Friday
55978 night. Live, on the Death label.
55979 -- Swan, "Phantom of the Paradise"
55981 Well begun is half done.
55984 "Well," Brahma said, "even after ten thousand explanations, a fool is
55985 no wiser, but an intelligent man requires only two thousand five
55989 We'll cross that bridge when we come back to it later.
55991 Well, didja wake up grouchy or did you let her sleep?
55993 Well, don't worry about it... It's nothing.
55994 -- Lieutenant Kermit Tyler (Duty Officer of Shafter Information
55995 Center, Hawaii), upon being informed that Private Joseph
55996 Lockard had picked up a radar signal of what appeared to be
55997 at least 50 planes soaring toward Oahu at almost 180 miles
55998 per hour, December 7, 1941.
56000 Well, fancy giving money to the Government!
56001 Might as well have put it down the drain.
56002 Fancy giving money to the Government!
56003 Nobody will see the stuff again.
56004 Well, they've no idea what money's for --
56005 Ten to one they'll start another war.
56006 I've heard a lot of silly things, but, Lor'!
56007 Fancy giving money to the Government!
56010 We'll have solar energy when the power companies develop a sunbeam meter.
56012 Well, he didn't know what to do, so he decided to look at the government,
56013 to see what they did, and scale it down and run his life that way.
56016 Well, here it is, 1983, so it won't be long before you start reading a
56017 lot of boring stories about people like Vance Hartke. Hartke is a
56018 governor or mayor or something from one of the flatter states, and the
56019 reason you'll be reading about him is that he's one of the 50 top
56020 contenders for the 1984 Democratic presidential nomination. These men
56021 will spend the next 18 months going around the country engaging in the
56022 most degrading activities imaginable, such as wearing idiot hats and
56023 appearing on "Meet the Press". "Meet the Press" is one of those Sunday
56024 morning public interest shows that the public is not the least bit
56025 interested in. It features a panel of reporters who ask questions of a
56026 guest politician, who wins an Amana home freezer if he can get through
56027 the entire show without answering a single question ...
56028 -- Dave Barry, "On Presidential Politics"
56030 Well I looked at my watch and it said a quarter to five,
56031 The headline screamed that I was still alive,
56032 I couldn't understand it, I thought I died last night.
56033 I dreamed I'd been in a border town,
56034 In a little cantina that the boys had found,
56035 I was desperate to dance, just to dig the local sounds.
56036 When along came a senorita,
56037 She looked so good that I had to meet her,
56038 I was ready to approach her with my English charm,
56039 When her brass knuckled boyfriend grabbed me by the arm,
56040 And he said, grow some funk of your own, amigo,
56041 Grow some funk of your own.
56042 We no like to with the gringo fight,
56043 But there might be a death in Mexico tonite.
56045 Take my advice, take the next flight,
56046 And grow some funk, grow your funk at home.
56047 -- Elton John, "Grow Some Funk of Your Own"
56049 Well, I would -- if they realized that we -- again if -- if we led them
56050 back to that stalemate only because our retaliatory power, our seconds,
56051 or strike at them after our first strike, would be so destructive they
56052 they couldn't afford it, that would hold them off.
56053 -- Ronald Reagan, on the MX missile
56055 "Well, if you can't believe what you read in a comic book, what *___
\b\b\bcan*
56057 -- Bullwinkle J. Moose [Jay Ward]
56059 Well, I'm disenchanted too. We're all disenchanted.
56062 Well, it's hard for a mere man to believe that woman doesn't have equal
56064 -- Dwight D. Eisenhower
56066 Well, Jim, I'm not much of an actor either.
56068 We'll know that rock is dead when you have to get a degree to work in it.
56070 WE'LL LOOK INTO IT:
56071 By the time the wheels make a full turn, we
56072 assume you will have forgotten about it,too.
56074 Well, my daddy left home when I was three,
56075 And he didn't leave much for Ma and me,
56076 Just and old guitar an'a empty bottle of booze.
56077 Now I don't blame him 'cause he ran and hid,
56078 But the meanest thing that he ever did,
56079 Was before he left he went and named me Sue.
56081 But I made me a vow to the moon and the stars,
56082 I'd search the honkey tonks and the bars,
56083 And kill the man that give me that awful name.
56084 It was Gatlinburg in mid-July,
56085 I'd just hit town and my throat was dry,
56086 Thought I'd stop and have myself a brew,
56087 At an old saloon on a street of mud,
56088 Sitting at a table, dealing stud,
56089 Sat that dirty (bleep) that named me Sue.
56091 Now, I knew that snake was my own sweet Dad,
56092 From a worn-out picture that my Mother had,
56093 And I knew that scar on his cheek and his evil eye...
56094 -- Johnny Cash, "A Boy Named Sue"
56096 Well, my terminal's locked up, and I ain't got any Mail,
56097 And I can't recall the last time that my program didn't fail;
56098 I've got stacks in my structs, I've got arrays in my queues,
56099 I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues.
56101 If you think that it's nice that you get what you C,
56102 Then go : illogical statement with your whole family,
56103 'Cause the Supreme Court ain't the only place with : Bus error views.
56104 I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues.
56106 On a PDP-11, life should be a breeze,
56107 But with VAXen in the house even magnetic tapes would freeze.
56108 Now you might think that unlike VAXen I'd know who I abuse,
56109 I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues.
56110 -- Core Dumped Blues
56112 Well, of course it worked. You made the ritual blood sacrifice. If you
56113 bleed on a machine while working on it, it will work. Unless it
56114 doesn't. In which case, you need someone else to bleed on it as well.
56117 We'll pivot at warp 2 and bring all tubes to bear, Mr. Sulu!
56119 Well, some take delight in the carriages a-rolling,
56120 And some take delight in the hurling and the bowling,
56121 But I take delight in the juice of the barley,
56122 And courting pretty fair maids in the morning bright and early.
56124 Well thaaaaaaat's okay.
56126 "Well, that was a piece of cake, eh K-9?"
56128 "Piece of cake, Master? Radial slice of baked confection ...
56129 coefficient of relevance to Key of Time: zero."
56132 Well, the handwriting is on the floor.
56135 We'll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens,
56136 we feel a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail.
56139 Well, we'll really have a party,
56140 but we've gotta post a guard outside.
56141 -- Eddie Cochran, "Come On Everybody"
56143 "Well, well, well! Well if it isn't fat stinking billy goat Billy Boy in
56144 poison! How art thou, thou globby bottle of cheap stinking chip oil? Come
56145 and get one in the yarbles, if ya have any yarble, ya eunuch jelly thou!"
56146 -- Alex in "Clockwork Orange"
56148 Well, we're big rock singers, we've got golden fingers,
56149 And we're loved everywhere we go.
56150 We sing about beauty, and we sing about truth,
56151 At ten thousand dollars a show.
56152 We take all kind of pills to give us all kind of thrills,
56153 But the thrill we've never known,
56154 Is the thrill that'll get'cha, when you get your picture,
56155 On the cover of the Rolling Stone.
56157 I got a freaky old lady, name of Cole King Katie,
56158 Who embroiders on my jeans.
56159 I got my poor old gray-haired daddy,
56160 Drivin' my limousine.
56161 Now it's all designed, to blow our minds,
56162 But our minds won't be really be blown;
56163 Like the blow that'll get'cha, when you get your picture,
56164 On the cover of the Rolling Stone.
56166 We got a lot of little, teen-aged, blue-eyed groupies,
56167 Who'll do anything we say.
56168 We got a genuine Indian guru, that's teachin' us a better way.
56169 We got all the friends that money can buy,
56170 So we never have to be alone.
56171 And we keep gettin' richer, but we can't get our picture,
56172 On the cover of the Rolling Stone.
56173 -- Dr. Hook and the Medicine Show
56174 [As a note, they eventually DID make the cover of RS. Ed.]
56176 "Well, we've come full circle, Lord; I'd like to think there's some
56177 higher meaning to all this. It would certainly reflect well on you."
56179 Well, you know, no matter where you go, there you are.
56183 The ability to play bridge or golf as if they were games.
56204 -- "Alliance Airport, from The Poetry Of H. Ross Perot,
56205 recited on ABC's Town Meeting, June 29, 1992.
56206 From SPY Magazine, November 1992
56208 We're all in this alone.
56211 We're constantly being bombarded by insulting and humiliating music, which
56212 people are making for you the way they make those Wonder Bread products.
56213 Just as food can be bad for your system, music can be bad for your spiritual
56214 and emotional feelings. It might taste good or clever, but in the long run,
56215 it's not going to do anything for you.
56216 -- Bob Dylan, "LA Times", September 5, 1984
56218 We're deep into the holiday gift-giving season, as you can tell from
56219 the fact that everywhere you look, you see jolly old St. Nick urging
56220 you to purchase things, to the point where you want to slug him right
56221 in his bowl full of jelly.
56222 -- Dave Barry, "Simple, Homespun Gifts"
56224 We're fantastically incredibly sorry for all these extremely unreasonable
56225 things we did. I can only plead that my simple, barely-sentient friend
56226 and myself are underprivileged, deprived and also college students.
56227 -- Waldo D. R. Dobbs
56229 We're happy little Vegemites,
56230 As bright as bright can be.
56231 We all enjoy our Vegemite
56232 For breakfast, lunch and tea.
56234 Were it not for the presence of the unwashed and the half-educated, the
56235 formless, queer and incomplete, the unreasonable and absurd, the infinite
56236 shapes of the delightful human tadpole, the horizon would not wear so wide
56238 -- F. M. Colby, "Imaginary Obligations"
56240 We're Knights of the Round Table
56241 We dance whene'er we're able
56242 We do routines and chorus scenes We're knights of the Round Table
56243 With footwork impeccable Our shows are formidable
56244 We dine well here in Camelot But many times
56245 We eat ham and jam and Spam a lot. We're given rhymes
56246 That are quite unsingable
56247 In war we're tough and able, We're opera mad in Camelot
56248 Quite indefatigable We sing from the diaphragm a lot.
56251 And impersonate Clark Gable
56252 It's a busy life in Camelot.
56253 I have to push the pram a lot.
56256 We're living in a golden age. All you need is gold.
56259 We're mortal -- which is to say, we're ignorant, stupid, and sinful --
56260 but those are only handicaps. Our pride is that nevertheless, now and
56261 then, we do our best. A few times we succeed. What more dare we ask for?
56264 "We're not talking about the same thing," he said. "For you the world is
56265 weird because if you're not bored with it you're at odds with it. For me
56266 the world is weird because it is stupendous, awesome, mysterious,
56267 unfathomable; my interest has been to convince you that you must accept
56268 responsibility for being here, in this marvelous world, in this marvelous
56269 desert, in this marvelous time. I wanted to convince you that you must
56270 learn to make every act count, since you are going to be here for only a
56271 short while, in fact, too short for witnessing all the marvels of it."
56274 We're only in it for the volume.
56277 Were there no women, men might live like gods.
56280 Wernher von Braun settled for a V-2 when he coulda had a V-8.
56282 Westheimer's Discovery:
56283 A couple of months in the laboratory can frequently save a
56284 couple of hours in the library.
56287 Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups.
56289 We've sent a man to the moon, and that's 29,000 miles away. The center
56290 of the Earth is only 4,000 miles away. You could drive that in a week,
56291 but for some reason nobody's ever done it.
56294 We've tried each spinning space mote
56295 And reckoned its true worth:
56296 Take us back again to the homes of men
56297 On the cool, green hills of Earth.
56299 The arching sky is calling
56300 Spacemen back to their trade.
56301 All hands! Standby! Free falling!
56302 And the lights below us fade.
56303 Out ride the sons of Terra,
56304 Far drives the thundering jet,
56305 Up leaps the race of Earthmen,
56306 Out, far, and onward yet--
56308 We pray for one last landing
56309 On the globe that gave us birth;
56310 Let us rest our eyes on the fleecy skies
56311 And the cool, green hills of Earth.
56312 -- Robert A. Heinlein, 1941
56314 Wharbat darbid yarbou sarbay?
56319 What a bonanza! An unknown beginner to be directed by Lubitsch, in a script
56320 by Wilder and Brackett, and to play with Paramount's two superstars, Gary
56321 Cooper and Claudette Colbert, and to be beaten up by both of them!
56322 -- David Niven, "Bring On the Empty Horses"
56324 What a misfortune to be a woman! And yet, the worst misfortune is not to
56325 understand what a misfortune it is.
56326 -- S. A. Kierkegaard (1813-1855)
56328 What a strange game. The only winning move is not to play.
56329 -- WOP, "War Games"
56331 What, after all, is a halo? It's only one more thing to keep clean.
56334 What an artist dies with me!
56337 What an author likes to write most is his signature on the
56341 "What are we going to do?"
56343 "Me, I'm examining the major Western religions. I'm looking for
56344 something that's soft on morality, generous with holidays, and has a
56345 short initiation period."
56347 "What are you doing?"
56349 "Examining the world's major religions. I'm looking for something
56350 that's light on morals, has lots of holidays, and with a short
56351 initiation period."
56353 What awful irony is this?
56354 We are as gods, but know it not.
56356 What causes the mysterious death of everyone?
56358 What color is a chameleon on a mirror?
56360 What did ya do with your burden and your cross?
56361 Did you carry it yourself or did you cry?
56362 You and I know that a burden and a cross,
56363 Can only be carried on one man's back.
56364 -- Louden Wainwright III
56366 What did you bring that book I didn't want
56367 to be read to out of about Down Under up for?
56369 What did you do when the ship sank?
56370 I grabbed a cake of soap and washed myself ashore.
56372 What do I consider a reasonable person to be? I'd say a reasonable person
56373 is one who accepts that we are all human and therefore fallible, and takes
56374 that into account when dealing with others. Implicit in this definition is
56375 the belief that it is the right and the responsibility of each person to
56376 live his or her own life as he or she sees fit, to respect this right in
56377 others, and to demand the assumption of this responsibility by others.
56379 What do you give a man who has everything? Penicillin.
56382 What do you have when you have six lawyers buried up to their necks in sand?
56385 What does education often do?
56386 It makes a straight cut ditch of a free meandering brook.
56387 -- Henry David Thoreau
56389 What does it mean if there is no fortune for you?
56391 What does "it" mean in the sentence "What time is it?"?
56393 What does it take for Americans to do great things; to go to the moon, to
56394 win wars, to dig canals linking oceans, to build railroads across a continent?
56395 In independent thought about this question, Neil Armstrong and I concluded
56396 that it takes a coincidence of four conditions, or in Neil's view, the
56397 simultaneous peaking of four of the many cycles of American life. First, a
56398 base of technology must exist from which to do the thing to be done. Second,
56399 a period of national uneasiness about America's place in the scheme of human
56400 activities must exist. Third, some catalytic event must occur that focuses
56401 the national attention upon the direction to proceed. Finally, an articulate
56402 and wise leader must sense these first three conditions and put forth with
56403 words and action the great thing to be accomplished. The motivation of young
56404 Americans to do what needs to be done flows from such a coincidence of
56405 conditions. ... The Thomas Jeffersons, The Teddy Roosevelts, The John
56406 Kennedys appear. We must begin to create the tools of leadership which they,
56407 and their young frontiersmen, will require to lead us onward and upward.
56408 -- Dr. Harrison H. Schmidt
56410 What does not destroy me, makes me stronger.
56411 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
56413 What ever happened to happily ever after?
56415 What excuses stand in your way? How can you eliminate them?
56418 What foods these morsels be!
56420 What fools these morals be!
56422 What fools these mortals be.
56423 -- Lucius Annaeus Seneca
56425 What garlic is to food, insanity is to art.
56427 What garlic is to salad, insanity is to art.
56429 What George Washington did for us was to throw out the British, so
56430 that we wouldn't have a fat, insensitive government running our
56431 country. Nice try anyway, George.
56432 -- D. J. on KSFO/KYA
56434 What goes up must come down. But don't expect it to come down
56435 where you can find it. Murphy's Law applied to Newton's.
56437 What good is a ticket to the good life, if you can't find the
56440 What good is an obscenity trial except to popularize literature?
56441 -- Nero Wolfe, "The League of Frightened Men"
56443 What good is having someone who can walk on water if you don't follow
56446 What good is it if you talk in flowers, and they think in pastry?
56447 -- Ashleigh Brilliant
56449 What happened last night can happen again.
56451 What happens if a big asteroid hits Earth? Judging from realistic simulations
56452 involving a sledge hammer and a common laboratory frog, we can assume it will
56456 What happens to a dream deferred?
56458 Like a raisin in the sun?
56459 Or fester like a sore --
56461 Does it stink like rotten meat?
56462 Or crust and sugar over --
56463 Like a syrupy sweet?
56468 Or does it explode?
56471 What happens when you cut back the jungle? It recedes.
56473 What has roots as nobody sees,
56474 Is taller than trees,
56476 And yet never grows?
56478 What I do, first thing [in the morning], is I hop into the shower
56479 stall. Then I hop right back out, because when I hopped in I landed
56480 barefoot right on top of See Threepio, a little plastic robot character
56481 from "Star Wars" whom my son, Robert, likes to pull the legs off of
56482 while he showers. Then I hop right back into the stall because our
56483 dog, Earnest, who has been alone in the basement all night building up
56484 powerful dog emotions, has come bounding and quivering into the
56485 bathroom and wants to greet me with 60 or 70 thousand playful nips, any
56486 one of which -- bear in mind that I am naked and, without my contact
56487 lenses, essentially blind -- could result in the kind of injury where
56488 you have to learn a whole new part if you want to sing the "Messiah",
56489 if you get my drift. Then I hop right back out, because Robert, with
56490 that uncanny sixth sense some children have -- you cannot teach it;
56491 they either have it or they don't -- has chosen exactly that moment to
56492 flush one of the toilets. Perhaps several of them.
56493 -- Dave Barry, "Saving Face"
56495 What I mean (and everybody else means) by the word QUALITY cannot be
56496 broken down into subjects and predicates. This is not because Quality
56497 is so mysterious but because Quality is so simple, immediate, and direct.
56498 -- Robert Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance"
56500 What I tell you three times is true.
56503 What I think is that the F-word is basically just a convenient nasty-
56504 sounding word that we tend to use when we would really like to come up
56505 with a terrifically witty insult, the kind Winston Churchill always
56506 came up with when enormous women asked him stupid questions at
56508 -- Dave Barry, "$#$%#^%!^%&@%@!"
56510 What I want is all of the power and none of the responsibility.
56512 What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I
56513 definitely overpaid for my carpet.
56514 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
56516 What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? Or what's
56517 worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?
56518 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
56520 What if there had been room at the inn?
56521 -- Linda Festa on the origins of Christianity
56523 What is a magician but a practicing theorist?
56526 What is algebra, exactly? Is it one of those three-cornered things?
56529 What is comedy? Comedy is the art of making people laugh without making
56533 What is food to one, is to others bitter poison.
56534 -- Titus Lucretius Carus
56536 What is good? Everything that heightens the feeling of power in man, the
56537 will to power, power itself. What is bad? Everything that is born of
56538 weakness. Not contentedness but more power; not peace but war; not virtue
56539 but fitness. The weak and the failures shall perish: first principle of
56540 our love of man. And they shall even be given every possible assistance.
56541 What is more harmful than any vice? Active pity for all the failures and
56542 all the weak: Christianity.
56543 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
56545 What is important is food, money and opportunities for scoring off one's
56546 enemies. Give a man these three things and you won't hear much squawking
56548 -- Brian O'Nolan, "The Best of Myles"
56550 What is irritating about love is that it is a crime that requires
56552 -- Charles Baudelaire
56554 What is love but a second-hand emotion?
56557 What is mind? No matter.
56558 What is matter? Never mind.
56559 -- Thomas Hewitt Key (1799-1875)
56561 What is now proved was once only imagin'd.
56564 What is research but a blind date with knowledge?
56567 What is robbing a bank compared with founding a bank?
56568 -- Bertolt Brecht, "The Threepenny Opera"
56571 Status is when the President calls you for your opinion.
56574 Status is when the President calls you in to discuss a
56577 Uh, that still ain't right...
56578 STATUS is when you're in the Oval Office talking to the President,
56579 and the phone rings. The President picks it up, listens for a
56580 minute, and hands it to you, saying, "It's for you."
56582 What is the difference between a Turing machine and the modern
56583 computer? It's the same as that between Hillary's ascent of Everest
56584 and the establishment of a Hilton on its peak.
56586 "What is the Nature of God?"
56588 CLICK...CLICK...WHIRRR...CLICK...=BEEP!=
56592 STIR AND SPRINKLE WITH BACON BITS.
56594 "I've just GOT to start labeling my software..."
56597 What is the sound of one hand clapping?
56599 What is this line of duty, and suffering? You are not supposed to suffer
56600 if you are an assassin. The other person is supposed to suffer.
56601 -- Chiun, glory of the name of Sinanju, teacher of the youth
56602 from outside Sinanju named Remo.
56604 What is tolerance? -- it is the consequence of humanity. We are all formed
56605 of frailty and error; let us pardon reciprocally each other's folly -- that
56606 is the first law of nature.
56609 What is truth? We must adopt a pragmatic definition: it is what is believed
56610 to be the truth. A lie that is put across therefore becomes the truth and
56611 may, therefore, be justified. The difficulty is to keep up lying... it is
56612 simpler to tell the truth and if a sufficient emergency arises, to tell one,
56613 big thumping lie that will then be believed.
56614 -- Ministry of Information, memo on the maintenance of
56615 British civilian morale, 1939
56617 "What is wanted is not the will to believe, but the will to find out,
56618 which is the exact opposite."
56619 -- Bertrand Russell, "Skeptical_Essays", 1928
56621 What is worth doing is worth the trouble of asking somebody to do.
56623 "What I've done, of course, is total garbage."
56624 -- R. Willard, Pure Math 430a
56626 What kind of sordid business are you on now? I mean, man, whither
56627 goest thou? Whither goest thou, America, in thy shiny car in the night?
56630 What makes the universe so hard to comprehend is that there's nothing
56631 to compare it with.
56633 What makes us so bitter against people who outwit us
56634 is that they think themselves cleverer than we are.
56636 What makes you think graduate school
56637 is supposed to be satisfying?
56638 -- Erica Jong, "Fear of Flying"
56640 What most people want is all of the power but none of the responsibility.
56642 What no spouse of a writer can ever understand
56643 is that a writer is working when he's staring out the window.
56645 What nonsense people talk about happy marriages!
56646 A man can be happy with any woman so long as he doesn't love her.
56649 What on earth would a man do with himself
56650 if something did not stand in his way?
56653 What one believes to be true either is true or becomes true.
56656 What one fool can do, another can.
56657 -- Ancient Simian proverb
56659 What orators lack in depth they make up in length.
56661 What pains others pleasures me,
56662 At home am I in Lisp or C;
56663 There i couch in ecstasy,
56664 'Til debugger's poke i flee,
56665 Into kernel memory.
56666 In system space, system space, there shall i fare--
56667 Inside of a VAX on a silicon square.
56669 What passes for optimism is most often the effect of an intellectual error.
56670 -- Raymond Aron, "The Opium of the Intellectuals"
56672 What passes for woman's intuition is often nothing
56673 more than man's transparency.
56676 What publishers are looking for these days isn't radical feminism.
56677 It's corporate feminism -- a brand of feminism designed to sell books
56678 and magazines, three-piece suits, airline tickets, Scotch, cigarettes
56679 and, most important, corporate America's message, which runs: "Yes,
56680 women were discriminated against in the past, but that unfortunate
56681 mistake has been remedied; now every woman can attain wealth, prestige
56682 and power by dint of individual rather than collective effort."
56685 What really shapes and conditions and makes us is somebody only a few
56686 of us ever have the courage to face: and that is the child you once
56687 were, long before formal education ever got its claws into you -- that
56688 impatient, all-demanding child who wants love and power and can't get
56689 enough of either and who goes on raging and weeping in your spirit
56690 till at last your eyes are closed and all the fools say, "Doesn't he
56691 look peaceful?" It is those pent-up, craving children who make all
56692 the wars and all the horrors and all the art and all the beauty and
56693 discovery in life, because they are trying to achieve what lay beyond
56694 their grasp before they were five years old.
56695 -- Robertson Davies, "The Rebel Angels"
56697 What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?
56698 -- Ursula K. LeGuin
56700 What scoundrel stole the cork from my lunch?
56703 What segment's this, that, laid to rest
56704 On FHA0, is sleeping?
56705 What system file, lay here a while This, this is "acct.run,"
56706 While hackers around it were weeping? Accounting file for everyone.
56707 Dump, dump it and type it out,
56708 The file, the highseg of login.
56709 Why lies it here, on public disk
56710 And why is it now unprotected?
56711 A bug in incant, made it thus. Mount, mount all your DECtapes now
56712 And copy the file somehow, somehow. The problem has not been corrected.
56713 Dump, dump it and type it out,
56714 The file, the highseg of login.
56717 What sin has not been committed in the name of efficiency?
56719 What soon grows old? Gratitude.
56722 What, still alive at twenty-two,
56723 A clean upstanding chap like you?
56724 Sure, if your throat 'tis hard to slit,
56725 Slit your girl's, and swing for it.
56726 Like enough, you won't be glad,
56727 When they come to hang you, lad:
56728 But bacon's not the only thing
56729 That's cured by hanging from a string.
56730 So, when the spilt ink of the night
56731 Spreads o'er the blotting pad of light,
56732 Lads whose job is still to do
56733 Shall whet their knives, and think of you.
56736 What the deuce is it to me? You say that we go around the sun. If we went
56737 around the moon it would not make a pennyworth of difference to me or my work.
56738 -- Sherlock Holmes, "A Study in Scarlet"
56740 What the hell, go ahead and put all your eggs in one basket.
56742 What the hell is it good for?
56743 -- Robert Lloyd (engineer of the Advanced Computing Systems
56744 Division of IBM), to colleagues who insisted that the
56745 microprocessor was the wave of the future, c. 1968
56747 What the large print giveth, the small print taketh away.
56749 What the scientists have in their briefcases is terrifying.
56750 -- Nikita Khruschev
56752 What the world *really* needs is a good Automatic Bicycle Sharpener.
56757 "I recommend this candidate with no qualifications whatsoever."
56758 (Yes, that about sums it up.)
56759 "The amount of mathematics she knows will surprise you."
56760 (And I recommend not giving that school a dime...)
56761 "I simply can't say enough good things about him."
56763 "I am pleased to say that this candidate is a former colleague of mine."
56764 (I can't tell you how happy I am that she left our firm.)
56765 "When this person left our employ, we were quite hopeful he would go
56766 a long way with his skills."
56767 (We hoped he'd go as far as possible.)
56768 "You won't find many people like her."
56769 (In fact, most people can't stand being around her.)
56770 "I cannot recommend him too highly."
56771 (However, to the best of my knowledge, he has never committed a
56772 felony in my presence.)
56777 "If you knew this person as well as I know him, you would think as much
56779 (Or as little, to phrase it slightly more accurately.)
56780 "Her input was always critical."
56781 (She never had a good word to say.)
56782 "I have no doubt about his capability to do good work."
56783 (And it's nonexistent.)
56784 "This candidate would lend balance to a department like yours, which
56785 already has so many outstanding members."
56786 (Unless you already have a moron.)
56787 "His presentation to my seminar last semester was truly remarkable:
56788 one unbelievable result after another."
56789 (And we didn't believe them, either.)
56790 "She is quite uniform in her approach to any function you may assign her."
56791 (In fact, to life in general...)
56796 "You will be fortunate if you can get him to work for you."
56797 (We certainly never succeeded.)
56798 There is no other employee with whom I can adequately compare him.
56799 (Well, our rats aren't really employees...)
56800 "Success will never spoil him."
56801 (Well, at least not MUCH more.)
56802 "One usually comes away from him with a good feeling."
56803 (And such a sigh of relief.)
56804 "His dissertation is the sort of work you don't expect to see these days;
56805 in it he has definitely demonstrated his complete capabilities."
56806 (And his IQ, as well.)
56807 "He should go far."
56808 (The farther the better.)
56809 "He will take full advantage of his staff."
56810 (He even has one of them mowing his lawn after work.)
56812 What they say: What they mean:
56814 A major technological breakthrough... Back to the drawing board.
56815 Developed after years of research Discovered by pure accident.
56816 Project behind original schedule due We're working on something else.
56817 to unforeseen difficulties
56818 Designs are within allowable limits We made it, stretching a point or two.
56819 Customer satisfaction is believed So far behind schedule that they'll be
56820 assured grateful for anything at all.
56821 Close project coordination We're gonna spread the blame, campers!
56822 Test results were extremely gratifying It works, and boy, were we surprised!
56823 The design will be finalized... We haven't started yet, but we've got
56825 The entire concept has been rejected The guy who designed it quit.
56826 We're moving forward with a fresh We hired three new guys, and they're
56827 approach kicking it around.
56828 A number of different approaches... We don't know where we're going, but
56830 Preliminary operational tests are Blew up when we turned it on.
56832 Modifications are underway We're starting over.
56834 What they say: What they mean:
56836 New Different colors from previous version.
56837 All New Not compatible with previous version.
56838 Exclusive Nobody else has documentation.
56839 Unmatched Almost as good as the competition.
56840 Design Simplicity The company wouldn't give us any money.
56841 Fool-proof Operation All parameters are hard-coded.
56842 Advanced Design Nobody really understands it.
56843 Here At Last Didn't get it done on time.
56844 Field Tested We don't have any simulators.
56845 Years of Development Finally got one to work.
56846 Unprecedented Performance Nothing ever ran this slow before.
56847 Revolutionary Disk drives go 'round and 'round.
56848 Futuristic Only runs on a next generation supercomputer.
56849 No Maintenance Impossible to fix.
56850 Performance Proven Worked through Beta test.
56851 Meets Tough Quality Standards It compiles without errors.
56852 Satisfaction Guaranteed We'll send you another pack if it fails.
56853 Stock Item We shipped it before and can do it again.
56855 What this country needs is a dime that will buy a good five-cent bagel.
56857 What this country needs is a good five cent ANYTHING!
56859 What this country needs is a good five cent microcomputer.
56861 What this country needs is a good five cent nickel.
56863 What this country needs is a good five dollar plasma weapon.
56866 I don't know, it keeps changing.
56868 What upsets me is not that you lied to me,
56869 but that from now on I can no longer believe you.
56870 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
56872 What use is magic if it can't save a unicorn?
56873 -- Peter S. Beagle, "The Last Unicorn"
56875 What we Are is God's give to us.
56876 What we Become is our gift to God.
56878 What we cannot speak about we must pass over in silence.
56881 What we do not understand we do not possess.
56884 What we need in this country, instead of Daylight Savings Time, which
56885 nobody really understands anyway, is a new concept called Weekday
56886 Morning Time, whereby at 7 a.m. every weekday we go into a space-
56887 launch-style "hold" for two to three hours, during which it just
56888 remains 7 a.m. This way we could all wake up via a civilized gradual
56889 process of stretching and belching and scratching, and it would still
56890 be only 7 a.m. when we were ready to actually emerge from bed.
56891 -- Dave Barry, "$#$%#^%!^%&@%@!"
56893 What we need is either less corruption,
56894 or more chance to participate in it.
56896 What we see depends on mainly what we look for.
56899 What we wish, that we readily believe.
56902 What will happen when the 32-bit Unix date goes negative in mid-January
56903 2038 does not bear thinking about.
56906 What will you do if all your problems aren't solved by the time you die?
56908 What you don't know can hurt you, only you won't know it.
56910 What you don't know won't help you much either.
56913 What you see is from outside yourself, and may come, or not, but is beyond
56914 your control. But your fear is yours, and yours alone, like your voice, or
56915 your fingers, or your memory, and therefore yours to control. If you feel
56916 powerless over your fear, you have not yet admitted that it is yours, to do
56918 -- Marion Zimmer Bradley, "Stormqueen"
56920 What you want, what you're hanging around in the world waiting for, is for
56921 something to occur to you.
56924 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
56925 referring to AST's.]
56927 Whatever became of eternal truth?
56929 Whatever became of Strange de Jim? Well, he found a substitute for
56930 cocaine: "You cover Q-tips with sandpaper and ram them up your nostrils
56931 as far as they will go. Then you sniff talcum powder while shredding
56932 hundred dollar bills."
56935 Whatever doesn't succeed in two months and a half in California will
56937 -- Rev. Henry Durant, founder of the University of California
56939 Whatever else can be said about sex, it cannot be called a dignified
56943 Whatever happened to the good old days
56944 when sex was dirty and the air was clean?
56946 Whatever is not nailed down is mine. What I can pry loose is not
56948 -- Collis P. Huntingdon
56950 Whatever is not nailed down is mine.
56951 Whatever I can pry up is not nailed down.
56952 -- Collis P. Huntingdon, railroad tycoon
56954 Whatever it is, I fear Greeks even when they bring gifts.
56955 -- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil)
56957 Whatever occurs from love is always beyond good and evil.
56958 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
56960 "Whatever the missing mass of the universe is, I hope it's not
56964 Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half
56965 as good. Luckily this is not difficult.
56966 -- Charlotte Whitton
56968 Whatever you do will be insignificant, but it is very important that
56972 Whatever you may be sure of, be sure of this: that you are dreadfully like
56974 -- James Russell Lowell, "My Study Windows"
56976 Whatever you want to do, you have to do something else first.
56978 What's a cult? It just means not enough people to make a minority.
56981 What's all this bru-ha-ha?
56983 What's another word for "thesaurus"?
56986 What's done to children, they will do to society.
56988 What's page one, a preemptive strike?
56989 -- Professor Freund, Communication, Ramapo State College
56993 What's the matter with the world? Why, there ain't but one thing wrong
56994 with every one of us - and that's "selfishness."
56995 -- The Best of Will Rogers
56997 What's the ugliest part of your body?
56998 What's the ugliest part of your body?
56999 Some say your nose,
57000 Some say your toes,
57001 But I think it's your mind.
57002 -- Frank Zappa, 1965
57004 "What's the use of a good quotation if you can't change it?"
57007 What's this stuff about people being "released on their
57008 own recognizance"? Aren't we all out on own recognizance?
57010 When a Banker jumps out of a window, jump after him -- that's where the
57014 When a camel flies, no one laughs if it doesn't get very far!
57016 When a cow laughs, does milk come out of its nose?
57018 When a fellow says, "It ain't the money but the principle of the
57019 thing," it's the money.
57022 When a fly lands on the ceiling, does it do a half roll or a half
57025 When a girl can read the handwriting on
57026 the wall, she may be in the wrong rest room.
57028 When a girl marries she exchanges the attentions of many men for the
57029 inattentions of one.
57032 When a lion meets another with a louder roar,
57033 the first lion thinks the last a bore.
57034 -- George Bernard Shaw
57036 When a lot of remedies are suggested for
57037 a disease, that means it can't be cured.
57038 -- Chekhov, "The Cherry Orchard"
57040 When a man assumes a public trust, he
57041 should consider himself as public property.
57042 -- Thomas Jefferson
57044 When a man is tired of London, he is tired of life.
57047 When a man knows he is to be hanged in a fortnight,
57048 it concentrates his mind wonderfully.
57051 When a man sits with a pretty girl for an hour, it seems like a minute.
57052 But let him sit on a hot stove for a minute-- and it's longer than any
57053 hour. That's relativity.
57056 When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him
57060 When a man you like switches from what he said a year ago, or four years
57061 ago, he is a broad-minded man who has courage enough to change his mind
57062 with changing conditions. When a man you don't like does it, he is a
57063 liar who has broken his promises.
57066 When a person goes on a diet, the first thing he loses is his temper.
57068 When a place gets crowded enough to require ID's, social collapse is
57069 not far away. It is time to go elsewhere. The best thing about space
57070 travel is that it made it possible to go elsewhere.
57071 -- Robert A. Heinlein, "Time Enough For Love"
57073 When a shepherd goes to kill a wolf, and takes his dog along to see the
57074 sport, he should take care to avoid mistakes. The dog has certain
57075 relationships to the wolf the shepherd may have forgotten.
57076 -- Robert Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance"
57078 When a woman gives me a present I have always two surprises:
57079 first is the present, and afterward, having to pay for it.
57082 When a woman marries again it is because she detested her first husband.
57083 When a man marries again, it is because he adored his first wife.
57086 When alerted to an intrusion by tinkling glass or otherwise, 1) Calm
57087 yourself 2) Identify the intruder 3) If hostile, kill him.
57089 Step number 3 is of particular importance. If you leave the guy alive
57090 out of misguided softheartedness, he will repay your generosity of spirit
57091 by suing you for causing his subsequent paraplegia and seek to force you
57092 to support him for the rest of his rotten life. In court he will plead
57093 that he was depressed because society had failed him, and that he was
57094 looking for Mother Teresa for comfort and to offer his services to the
57095 poor. In that lawsuit, you will lose. If, on the other hand, you kill
57096 him, the most that you can expect is that a relative will bring a wrongful
57097 death action. You will have two advantages: first, there be only your
57098 story; forget Mother Teresa. Second, even if you lose, how much could
57099 the bum's life be worth anyway? A lot less than 50 years worth of
57100 paralysis. Don't play George Bush and Saddam Hussein. Finish the job.
57101 -- G. Gordon Liddy's Forbes column on personal security
57103 When Alexander Graham Bell died in 1922, the telephone people
57104 interrupted service for one minute in his honor. They've been
57105 honoring him intermittently ever since, I believe.
57108 When all else fails, EAT!!!
57110 When all else fails, pour a pint of Guinness in the gas tank, advance
57111 the spark 20 degrees, cry "God Save the Queen!", and pull the starter
57113 -- MG "Series MGA" Workshop Manual
57115 When all else fails, read the instructions.
57117 When all else fails, try Kate Smith.
57119 When all other means of communication fail, try words.
57121 When among apes, one must play the ape.
57123 When angry, count four; when very angry, swear.
57126 "When are you BUTTHEADS gonna learn that you can't oppose Gestapo
57127 tactics *with* Gestapo tactics?"
57130 When arguments fail, use a blackjack.
57131 -- Edward "Spike" O'Donnell, Al Capone associate
57133 When asked by an anthropologist what the Indians called America before
57134 the white men came, an Indian said simply "Ours."
57135 -- Vine Deloria, Jr.
57137 When asked the definition of "pi":
57139 Pi is the number expressing the relationship between the
57140 circumference of a circle and its diameter.
57142 Pi is 3.1415927, plus or minus 0.000000005.
57146 When Boy Scouts do it, it's intense.
57148 When childhood dies, its corpses are called adults.
57151 When choosing between two evils, I always
57152 like to take the one I've never tried before.
57153 -- Mae West, "Klondike Annie"
57155 When confronted by a difficult problem, you can often solve it quite
57156 easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger
57159 When Cthulhu calls, He calls collect!
57161 When democracy granted democratic methods to us in times of opposition, this
57162 was bound to happen in a democratic system. However, we National Socialists
57163 never asserted that we represented a democratic point of view, but we have
57164 declared openly that we used the democratic methods only to gain power and
57165 that, after assuming the power, we would deny to our adversaries without any
57166 consideration the means which were granted to us in times of our opposition.
57169 When Dexter's on the Internet, can Hell be far behind?"
57171 When does later become never?
57173 When does summertime come to Minnesota, you ask? Well, last year, I
57174 think it was a Tuesday.
57176 When eating an elephant take one bite at a time.
57179 When forecasting, give them a number
57180 or give them a date, but never both.
57182 When God endowed human beings with brains, He did not intend to
57185 When God saw how faulty was man He tried again and made woman. As to
57186 why he then stopped there are two opinions. One of them is woman's.
57189 When he got in trouble in the ring, [Ali] imagined a door swung open and
57190 inside he could see neon, orange, and green lights blinking, and bats
57191 blowing trumpets and alligators blowing trombones, and he could hear snakes
57192 screaming. Weird masks and actors' clothes hung on the wall, and if he
57193 stepped across the sill and reached for them, he knew that he was committing
57194 himself to destruction.
57197 When I came back to Dublin I was courtmartialed in my absence and sentenced
57198 to death in my absence, so I said they could shoot me in my absence.
57201 When I demanded of my friend what viands he preferred,
57202 He quoth: "A large cold bottle, and a small hot bird!"
57203 -- Eugene Field, "The Bottle and the Bird"
57205 when i die, i'd like to go peacefully.
57207 like my grandfather.
57210 like the passengers in his car...
57212 When I drink, *everybody* drinks!" a man shouted to the assembled bar patrons. A
57213 loud general cheer went up. After downing his whiskey, he hopped onto a
57214 barstool and shouted "When I take another drink, *everybody* takes another
57215 drink!" The announcement produced another cheer and another round of drinks.
57216 As soon as he had downed his second drink, the fellow hopped back
57217 onto the stool. "And when I pay," he bellowed, slapping five dollars onto
57218 the bar, "*everybody* pays!"
57220 When I first arrived in this country I had only fifteen cents in my pocket
57221 and a willingness to compromise.
57222 -- Weber cartoon caption
57224 "When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great
57225 parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if
57229 When I have one foot in the grave I will tell the truth about women. I
57230 shall tell it, jump into my coffin, pull the lid over me, and say, "Do
57231 what you like now."
57234 When I hear a man applauded by the mob I always feel a pang of pity
57235 for him. All he has to do to be hissed is to live long enough.
57236 -- H. L. Mencken, "Minority Report"
57238 When I heated my home with oil, I used an average of 800 gallons a
57239 year. I have found that I can keep comfortably warm for an entire
57240 winter with slightly over half that quantity of beer.
57241 -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler"
57243 When I kill, the only thing I feel is recoil.
57245 When I said "we", officer, I was referring to myself, the four young
57246 ladies, and, of course, the goat.
57248 When I saw a sign on the freeway that said, "Los Angeles 445 miles," I said
57249 to myself, "I've got to get out of this lane."
57252 When I say the magic word to all these people, they will vanish forever.
57253 I will then say the magic words to you, and you, too, will vanish -- never
57255 -- Kurt Vonnegut Jr., "Between Time and Timbuktu"
57257 When I sell liquor, it's called bootlegging; when my patrons serve
57258 it on silver trays on Lake Shore Drive, it's called hospitality.
57261 When I think about myself,
57262 I almost laugh myself to death,
57263 My life has been one great big joke, Sixty years in these folks' world
57264 A dance that's walked The child I works for calls me girl
57265 A song that's spoke, I say "Yes ma'am" for working's sake.
57266 I laugh so hard I almost choke Too proud to bend
57267 When I think about myself. Too poor to break,
57268 I laugh until my stomach ache,
57269 When I think about myself.
57270 My folks can make me split my side,
57271 I laughed so hard I nearly died,
57272 The tales they tell, sound just like lying,
57273 They grow the fruit,
57275 I laugh until I start to crying,
57276 When I think about my folks.
57279 When I was 16, I thought there was no hope for my father.
57280 By the time I was 20, he had made great improvement.
57282 When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. Now
57283 I'm beginning to believe it.
57286 When I was a child... We had a quick-sand box in the backyard...
57287 I was an only child... eventually.
57290 When I was a kid I said to my father one afternoon, "Daddy, will you
57291 take me to the zoo?" He answered, "If the zoo wants you let them come
57295 When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd
57296 all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us.
57297 It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.
57300 When I was a kid, we had a quick-sand box in the backyard.
57301 I was an only child... eventually.
57304 When I was a young man, I vowed never to marry until I found the ideal
57305 woman. Well, I found her -- but alas, she was waiting for the ideal man.
57308 "When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any
57309 firearms with me. I said, `Well, what do you need?'"
57312 When I was growing up my mother kept telling me we're just friends.
57314 I tell ya I was an ugly kid. I was so ugly that my Dad kept the kid's
57315 picture that came with the wallet he bought.
57316 -- Rodney Dangerfield
57318 When I was in college, there were a lot of four-letter words you couldn't
57319 say in front of girls. Now you can say them. But you can't say "girls".
57321 When I was in school, I cheated on my metaphysics exam: I looked into
57322 the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
57325 When I was little, I went into a pet shop and they asked how big I'd get.
57326 -- Rodney Dangerfield
57328 When I was seven years old, I was once reprimanded by my mother for an
57329 act of collective brutality in which I had been involved at school. A
57330 group of seven-year-olds had been teasing and tormenting a
57331 six-year-old. "It is always so," my mother said. "You do things
57332 together which not one of you would think of doing alone." ...
57333 Wherever one looks in the world of human organization, collective
57334 responsibility brings a lowering of moral standards. The military
57335 establishment is an extreme case, an organization which seems to have
57336 been expressly designed to make it possible for people to do things
57337 together which nobody in his right mind would do alone.
57338 -- Freeman Dyson, "Weapons and Hope"
57340 When I was young we didn't have MTV; we
57341 had to take drugs and go to concerts.
57344 When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it had happened
57345 or not; but my faculties are decaying now and soon I shall be so I
57346 cannot remember any but the things that never happened. It is sad to
57347 go to pieces like this but we all have to do it.
57350 When I woke up this morning, my girlfriend asked if I had
57351 slept well. I said, "No, I made a few mistakes."
57354 When I works, I works hard.
57355 When I sits, I sits easy.
57356 And when I thinks, I goes to sleep.
57358 When I'm gone, boxing will be nothing again. The fans with the cigars and
57359 the hats turned down'll be there, but no more housewives and little men in
57360 the street and foreign presidents. It's goin' to be back to the fighter who
57361 comes to town, smells a flower, visits a hospital, blows a horn and says
57362 he's in shape. Old hat. I was the onliest boxer in history people asked
57363 questions like a senator.
57366 When I'm good, I'm great; but when I'm bad, I'm better.
57369 When in charge ponder,
57370 When in doubt mumble,
57371 When in trouble delegate.
57373 When in doubt, do it. It's much easier
57374 to apologize than to get permission.
57375 -- Grace Murray Hopper
57377 When in doubt, do what the President does -- guess.
57379 When in doubt, follow your heart.
57381 When in doubt, have a man come through the door with a gun in his hand.
57382 -- Raymond Chandler
57384 When in doubt, lead trump.
57386 When in doubt, mumble; when in trouble, delegate; when in charge, ponder.
57389 When in doubt, tell the truth.
57392 When in doubt, use brute force.
57395 When in panic, fear and doubt,
57396 Drink in barrels, eat, and shout.
57398 When in Rome, live in the Roman way.
57401 When in this world the headlines read
57402 Of those whose hearts are filled with greed
57403 Who rob and steal from those who need
57404 The cry goes up with blinding speed for Underdog (UNDERDOG!)
57405 Underdog (UNDERDOG!)
57406 Speed of lightning, roar of thunder
57407 Fighting all who rob or plunder
57408 Underdog (ah-ah-ah-ah)
57412 When in trouble or in doubt, run in circles, scream and shout.
57414 When it comes to broken marriages most husbands will split the blame --
57415 half his wife's fault, and half her mother's.
57417 When it comes to helping you, some people stop at nothing.
57419 When it is not necessary to make a decision,
57420 it is necessary not to make a decision.
57422 When it's dark enough you can see the stars.
57423 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
57425 When license fees are too high,
57426 users do things by hand.
57427 When the management is too intrusive,
57428 users lose their spirit.
57430 Hack for the user's benefit.
57431 Trust them; leave them alone.
57433 When love is gone, there's always justice.
57434 And when justice is gone, there's always force.
57435 And when force is gone, there's always Mom.
57439 When man calls an animal "vicious", he usually means that it
57440 will attempt to defend itself when he tries to kill it.
57442 When managers hold endless meetings, the programmers write games. When
57443 accountants talk of quarterly profits, the development budget is about to
57444 be cut. When senior scientists talk blue sky, the clouds are about to roll
57447 Truly, this is not the Tao of Programming.
57449 When managers make commitments, game programs are ignored. When accountants
57450 make long-range plans, harmony and order are about to be restored. When
57451 senior scientists address the problems at hand, the problems will soon be
57454 Truly, this is the Tao of Programming.
57456 When Marriage is Outlawed,
57457 Only Outlaws will have Inlaws.
57459 When more and more people are thrown out of work, unemployment
57463 When my brain begins to reel from my
57464 literary labors, I make an occasional cheese dip.
57467 When my fist clenches crack it open,
57468 Before I use it and lose my cool.
57469 When I smile tell me some bad news,
57470 Before I laugh and act like a fool.
57472 And if I swallow anything evil,
57473 Put you finger down my throat.
57474 And if I shiver please give me a blanket,
57475 Keep me warm let me wear your coat
57477 No one knows what it's like to be the bad man,
57480 No one knows what its like to be hated,
57482 To telling only lies.
57483 -- The Who, "Behind Blue Eyes"
57485 When my freshman roommate at Cornell found out I was Jewish, she was,
57486 at her request, moved to a different room. She told me she didn't
57487 think she had ever seen a Jew before. My only response was to begin
57488 wearing a small Star of David on a chain around my neck. I had not
57489 become a more observing Jew; rather, discovering that the label of
57490 Jew was offensive to others made me want to let people know who I
57491 was and what I believed in. Similarly, after talking to these young
57492 women -- one of whom told me that she didn't think she had ever met
57493 a feminist -- I've taken to identifying myself as a feminist in the
57494 most unlikely of situations.
57495 -- Susan Bolotin, "Voices From the Post-Feminist Generation"
57497 When neither their poverty nor their honor is
57498 touched, the majority of men live content.
57499 -- Niccolo Machiavelli
57501 When nothing can possibly go wrong, it will.
57503 When one burns one's bridges, what a very nice fire it makes.
57506 When one knows women one pities men,
57507 but when one studies men, one excuses women.
57510 When one wants to get rid of an unsupportable pressure, one needs hashish.
57511 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
57513 When one woman was asked how long she had been going to symphony
57514 concerts, she paused to calculate and replied, "Forty-seven years --
57515 and I find I mind it less and less."
57516 -- Louise Andrews Kent
57518 When Oxygen Tech played Hydrogen U.
57519 The Game had just begun, when Hydrogen scored two fast points
57520 And Oxygen still had none
57521 Then Oxygen scored a single goal
57522 And thus it did remain, At Hydrogen 2 and Oxygen 1
57523 Called because of rain.
57525 When people have trouble communicating,
57526 the least they can do is to shut up.
57529 When people say nothing, they don't necessarily mean nothing.
57531 When pleasure remains, does it remain a pleasure?
57533 When President Paul Doumer of France was assassinated in Paris in 1932,
57534 newspapers differed in their versions of the event. This is from "Paris
57535 was Yesterday: 1925-1939" by Janet Flanner, edited by Irving Drutman.
57537 Taste varied as to his cry when he was shot down, the more popular
57538 papers preferring his despairing "Oh, la la!," the graver dailies
57539 favoring "Is it possible?" What few reported were his dying words:
57540 "But what kind of chauffeur was it?" Having been told by his aides
57541 not that he had been shot but that he had been struck by a taxi, the
57542 President spent the last conscious moments of his life wondering how
57543 an automobile got into the charity book sale at the Maison
57544 Rothschild, where his assassination occurred.
57546 When properly administered, vacations do not diminish productivity:
57547 for every week you're away and get nothing done, there's another when
57548 your boss is away and you get twice as much done.
57551 When smashing monuments, save the pedestals -- they always come in handy.
57552 -- Stanislaw J. Lec, "Unkempt Thoughts"
57554 When some people decide it's time for everyone to make
57555 big changes, it means that they want you to change first.
57557 When some people discover the truth, they just
57558 can't understand why everybody isn't eager to hear it.
57560 When someone makes a move We'll send them all we've got,
57561 Of which we don't approve, John Wayne and Randolph Scott,
57562 Who is it that always intervenes? Remember those exciting fighting scenes?
57563 U.N. and O.A.S., To the shores of Tripoli,
57564 They have their place, I guess, But not to Mississippoli,
57565 But first, send the Marines! What do we do? We send the Marines!
57567 For might makes right, Members of the corps
57568 And till they've seen the light, All hate the thought of war:
57569 They've got to be protected, They'd rather kill them off by
57571 All their rights respected, Stop calling it aggression--
57572 Till somebody we like can be elected. We hate that expression!
57573 We only want the world to know
57574 That we support the status quo;
57575 They love us everywhere we go,
57576 So when in doubt, send the Marines!
57577 -- Tom Lehrer, "Send The Marines"
57579 When someone says "I want a programming language in which I need only
57580 say what I wish done," give him a lollipop.
57582 When speculation has done its worst, two plus two still equals four.
57585 When taxes are due, Americans tend to feel quite bled-white and blue.
57587 When the Apple IIc was introduced, the informative copy led off with a couple
57588 of asterisked sentences:
57590 It weighs less than 8 pounds.*
57591 And costs less than $1,300.**
57593 In tiny type were these "fuller explanations":
57595 * Don't asterisks make you suspicious as all get out? Well, all
57596 this means is that the IIc alone weights 7.5 pounds. The power
57597 pack, monitor, an extra disk drive, a printer and several bricks
57598 will make the IIc weigh more. Our lawyers were concerned that you
57599 might not be able to figure this out for yourself.
57601 ** The FTC is concerned about price fixing. You can pay more if
57602 you really want to. Or less.
57605 When the ax entered the forest, the trees said, "The handle is one of us!"
57608 When the blind lead the blind they will both fall over the cliff.
57611 When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never
57612 talking about themselves.
57614 When the candles are out all women are fair.
57617 When the cup is full, carry it level.
57619 When the doubt vanishes and the issue becomes evident, stupidity reigns.
57620 -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967)
57622 When the English language gets in my way, I walk over it.
57625 When the fog came in on little cat feet last night, it left these little
57626 muddy paw prints on the hood of my car.
57628 When the going gets tough, everyone leaves.
57631 When the going gets tough, the tough get empirical.
57634 When the going gets tough, the tough go grab a beer.
57636 When the going gets tough, the tough go shopping.
57638 When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro.
57639 -- Hunter S. Thompson
57641 When the government bureau's remedies don't match your problem, you
57642 modify the problem, not the remedy.
57644 When the Guru administers, the users
57645 are hardly aware that he exists.
57646 Next best is a sysop who is loved.
57647 Next, one who is feared.
57648 And worst, one who is despised.
57650 If you don't trust the users,
57651 you make them untrustworthy.
57653 The Guru doesn't talk, he hacks.
57654 When his work is done,
57655 the users say, "Amazing:
57656 we implemented it, all by ourselves!"
57658 When the leaders speak of peace
57659 The common folk know
57661 When the leaders curse war
57662 The mobilization order is already written out.
57664 Every day, to earn my daily bread
57665 I go to the market where lies are bought
57667 I take my place among the sellers.
57668 -- Bertolt Brecht, "Hollywood"
57670 When the lights are out, all women are fair.
57673 When the Ngdanga tribe of West Africa hold their moon love ceremonies,
57674 the men of the tribe bang their heads on sacred trees until they get a
57675 nose bleed, which usually cures them of ____
\b\b\b\bthat.
57676 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
57678 When the only tool you have is a hammer, every problem starts to look
57681 When the President does it, that means it is not illegal.
57684 When the revolution comes, count your change.
57686 When the salesman's car broke down, he walked to the nearest farmhouse to ask
57687 if he could stay the night. The farmer agreed to put him up. "I live alone,"
57688 he continued, "you can have the bedroom at the top of the stairs, to the
57690 "Oh, never mind," the disappointed salesman said. "I think I'm in
57693 When the speaker and he to whom he is speaking do not understand, that is
57697 When the sun shineth, make hay.
57700 When the Universe was not so out of whack as it is today, and all the
57701 stars were lined up in their proper places, you could easily count them
57702 from left to right, or top to bottom, and the larger and bluer ones
57703 were set apart, and the smaller yellowing types pushed off to the
57704 corners as bodies of a lower grade ...
57705 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
57707 When the usher noticed a man stretched across three seats in a movie theatre,
57708 he walked over and whispered, "I'm sorry, sir, but you're allowed only a single
57709 seat." The man moaned, but did not budge. "Sir," the user said more loudly,
57710 "if you don't move, I'll have to call a manager." The man moaned again but
57711 stayed where he was. The usher left, and returned with the manager, who, after
57712 several more attempts at dislodging the fellow, called the police.
57713 The cop took a look at the reclining man and said, "All right, boyo,
57715 "Samuel," he mumbled.
57716 "And where're you from, Sam?"
57719 When the weight of the paperwork equals the weight of the plane, the
57723 When the wind is great, bow before it;
57724 when the wind is heavy, yield to it.
57726 When there are two conflicting versions of the story, the wise course
57727 is to believe the one in which people appear at their worst.
57728 -- H. Allen Smith, "Let the Crabgrass Grow"
57730 When there is an old maid in the house, a watch dog is unnecessary.
57731 -- Honore de Balzac
57733 When things go well, expect something to
57734 explode, erode, collapse or just disappear.
57736 When two people are under the influence of the most violent, most
57737 insane, most delusive, and most transient of passions, they are
57738 required to swear that they will remain in that excited, abnormal, and
57739 exhausting condition continuously until death do them part.
57740 -- George Bernard Shaw
57742 When users see one GUI as beautiful,
57743 other user interfaces become ugly.
57744 When users see some programs as winners,
57745 other programs become lossage.
57747 Pointers and NULLs reference each other.
57748 High level and assembler depend on each other.
57749 Double and float cast to each other.
57750 High-endian and low-endian define each other.
57751 While and until follow each other.
57754 programs without doing anything
57755 and teaches without saying anything.
57756 Warnings arise and he lets them come;
57757 processes are swapped and he lets them go.
57758 He has but doesn't possess,
57759 acts but doesn't expect.
57760 When his work is done, he deletes it.
57761 That is why it lasts forever.
57763 When we are planning for posterity, we ought to remember that virtue is
57767 When we jumped into Sicily, the units became separated, and I couldn't find
57768 anyone. Eventually I stumbled across two colonels, a major, three captains,
57769 two lieutenants, and one rifleman, and we secured the bridge. Never in the
57770 history of war have so few been led by so many.
57771 -- General James Gavin
57773 When we talk of tomorrow, the gods laugh.
57775 When we understand knowledge-based systems, it will be as before --
57776 except our fingertips will have been singed.
57777 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
57779 When we write programs that "learn",
57780 it turns out we do and they don't.
57782 When women kiss it always reminds one of prize fighters shaking hands.
57783 -- H. L. Mencken, "Sententiae"
57785 When women love us, they forgive us everything, even our crimes;
57786 when they do not love us, they give us credit for nothing, not
57788 -- Honore de Balzac
57790 When you are about to die, a wombat is better than no company at all.
57791 -- Roger Zelazny, "Doorways in the Sand"
57793 When you are about to do an objective and scientific piece of
57794 investigation of a topic, it is well to have the answer firmly in hand,
57795 so that you can proceed forthrightly, without being deflected or
57796 swayed, directly to the goal.
57799 When you are at Rome live in the Roman style;
57800 when you are elsewhere live as they live elsewhere.
57803 "When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut."
57805 When you are working hard, get up and retch every so often.
57807 When you are young, you enjoy a sustained illusion that sooner or later
57808 something marvelous is going to happen, that you are going to transcend
57809 your parents' limitations... At the same time, you feel sure that in all
57810 the wilderness of possibility; in all the forests of opinion, there is a
57811 vital something that can be known -- known and grasped. That we will
57812 eventually know it, and convert the whole mystery into a coherent
57813 narrative. So that then one's true life -- the point of everything --
57814 will emerge from the mist into a pure light, into total comprehension.
57815 But it isn't like that at all. But if it isn't, where did the idea come
57816 from, to torture and unsettle us?
57817 -- Brian Aldiss, "Helliconia Summer"
57819 When you become used to never being alone,
57820 you may consider yourself Americanized.
57822 When you dial a wrong number you never get a busy signal.
57824 When you die, you lose a very important part of your life.
57827 When you dig another out of trouble,
57828 you've got a place to bury your own.
57830 When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
57832 When you don't know what you are doing, do it neatly.
57834 When you find yourself in danger,
57835 When you're threatened by a stranger,
57836 When it looks like you will take a lickin'...
57838 There is one thing you should learn,
57839 When there is no one else to turn to,
57840 Caaaall for Super Chicken!! (**bwuck-bwuck-bwuck-bwuck**)
57841 Caaaall for Super Chicken!!
57843 When you get what you want in your struggle for pelf,
57844 And the world makes you King for a day,
57845 Then go to the mirror and look at yourself,
57846 And see what that guy has to say.
57847 For it isn't your Father, or Mother, or Wife,
57848 Who judgement upon you must pass.
57849 The feller whose verdict counts most in your life
57850 Is the guy staring back from the glass.
57851 He's the feller to please, never mind all the rest,
57852 For he's with you clear up to the end,
57853 And you've passed your most dangerous, difficult test
57854 If the guy in the glass is your friend.
57855 You may be like Jack Horner and "chisel" a plum,
57856 And think you're a wonderful guy,
57857 But the man in the glass says you're only a bum
57858 If you can't look him straight in the eye.
57859 You can fool the whole world down the pathway of years,
57860 And get pats on the back as you pass,
57861 But your final reward will be heartaches and tears
57862 If you've cheated the guy in the glass.
57863 -- Dale Wimbrow (1895-1954), "The Guy in the Glass" (1934)
57864 [Pelf is a Middle English word for wealth or riches,
57865 especially when acquired dishonestly. Ed.]
57867 When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve
57868 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
57871 When you go out to buy, don't show your silver.
57873 When you have an efficient government, you have a dictatorship.
57876 When you have eliminated the impossible, whatever
57877 remains, however improbable, must be the truth.
57878 -- Sherlock Holmes, "The Sign of Four"
57880 "When you have to kill a man it costs nothing to be polite."
57881 -- Winston Churchill, on formal declarations of war
57883 When you jump for joy, beware that no-one
57884 moves the ground from beneath your feet.
57885 -- Stanislaw J. Lec, "Unkempt Thoughts"
57887 When you know absolutely nothing about the topic, make your forecast by
57888 asking a carefully selected probability sample of 300 others who don't
57889 know the answer either.
57890 -- Edgar R. Fiedler
57892 When you live in a sick society,
57893 just about everything you do is wrong.
57895 When you make your mark in the world, watch out for guys with erasers.
57896 -- The Wall Street Journal
57898 When you meet a master swordsman,
57899 show him your sword.
57900 When you meet a man who is not a poet,
57901 do not show him your poem.
57902 -- Rinzai, ninth century Zen master
57904 When you overesteem great hackers,
57905 more users become cretins.
57906 When you develop encryption,
57907 more users become crackers.
57910 by emptying user's minds
57911 and increasing their quotas,
57912 by weakening their ambition
57913 and toughening their resolve.
57914 When users lack knowledge and desire,
57915 management will not try to interfere.
57917 Practice not-looping,
57918 and everything will fall into place.
57920 When you say that you agree to a thing in principle, you mean that
57921 you have not the slightest intention of carrying it out in practice.
57922 -- Otto von Bismarck
57924 When you speak to others for their own good it's advice;
57925 when they speak to you for your own good it's interference.
57927 When you try to make an impression, the chances are that is the
57928 impression you will make.
57930 When you were born, a big chance was taken for you.
57932 When your conscious becomes unconscious, you are drunk.
57933 When your unconscious becomes conscious, you are stoned.
57935 When your life is a leaf that the seasons tear off and condemn
57936 They will bind you with love that is graceful and green as a stem.
57937 -- Leonard Cohen, "Sisters of Mercy"
57939 When your memory goes, forget it!
57941 When your work speaks for itself, don't interrupt.
57945 You're a Yup all the way
57946 From your first slice of Brie
57947 To your last Cabernet.
57950 You're not just a dreamer
57951 You're making things happen
57952 You're driving a Beamer.
57954 When you're away, I'm restless, lonely
57955 Wretched, bored, dejected, only
57956 Here's the rub, my darling dear,
57957 I feel the same when you are near.
57958 -- Samuel Hoffenstein, "Poems in Praise of Practically Nothing"
57960 When you're bored with yourself, marry, and be bored with someone else.
57961 -- David Pryce-Jones
57963 When you're dining out and you suspect
57964 something's wrong, you're probably right.
57966 When you're down and out, lift up your
57967 voice and shout, "I'M DOWN AND OUT"!
57969 When you're in command, command.
57972 When you're married to someone, they take you for granted ... when
57973 you're living with someone it's fantastic ... they're so frightened
57974 of losing you they've got to keep you satisfied all the time.
57975 -- Nell Dunn, "Poor Cow"
57977 When you're not looking at it, this fortune is written in FORTRAN.
57979 When you're ready to give up the struggle, who can you surrender to?
57981 WHEN YOU'RE RIDING IN A TIME MACHINE way far into the future, don't stick
57982 your elbow out the window or it'll turn into a fossil.
57983 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican", 1988.
57985 When you've seen one nuclear war, you've seen them all.
57987 Whenever a system becomes completely defined,
57988 some damn fool discovers something which either
57989 abolishes the system or expands it beyond recognition.
57991 WHENEVER ANYBODY SAYS he's struggling to become a human being I have to
57992 laugh because the apes beat him to it by about a million years. Struggle
57993 to become a parrot or something.
57994 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican", 1988.
57996 Whenever anyone says, "theoretically," they really mean "not really".
57999 Whenever I date a guy, I think, is this the man I want my children
58000 to spend their weekends with?
58003 Whenever I feel like exercise, I lie down until the feeling passes.
58005 Whenever I hear anyone arguing for slavery, I feel a strong impulse to
58006 see it tried on him personally.
58009 Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct
58010 is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me.
58011 Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.
58014 Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong.
58017 Whenever Richard Cory went downtown,
58018 We people on the pavement looked at him:
58019 He was a gentleman from sole to crown,
58020 Clean-favored, and imperially slim.
58021 And he was always quietly arrayed,
58022 And he was always human when he talked;
58023 But still he fluttered pulses when he said,
58024 "Good morning," and he glittered when he walked.
58025 And he was rich -- yes, richer than a king --
58026 And admirably schooled in every grace:
58027 In fine, we thought that he was everything
58028 To make us wish that we were in his place.
58029 So on we worked, and waited for the light,
58030 And went without the meat, and cursed the bread;
58031 And Richard Cory, one calm summer night,
58032 Went home and put a bullet through his head.
58033 -- E. A. Robinson, "Richard Cory"
58035 Whenever someone tells you to take their advice,
58036 you can be pretty sure that they're not using it.
58038 Whenever the literary German dives into a sentence, that is the last
58039 you are going to see of him until he emerges on the other side of his
58040 Atlantic with his verb in his mouth.
58042 "Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court"
58044 Whenever the literary German dives into a sentence, that
58045 is the last you are going to see of him until he emerges
58046 on the other side of his Atlantic with his verb in his mouth.
58049 Whenever you find that you are on the side of the majority, it is time
58053 Where a calculator on the ENIAC is equipped with 18,000 vacuum tubes and
58054 weighs 30 tons, computers in the future may have only 1,000 vacuum tubes
58055 and perhaps weigh 1 1/2 tons.
58056 -- Popular Mechanics, March 1949
58058 Where am I? Who am I? Am I? I
58060 Where are the calculations that go with a calculated risk?
58062 WHERE CAN THE MATTER BE
58063 Oh, dear, where can the matter be
58064 When it's converted to energy?
58065 There is a slight loss of parity.
58066 Johnny's so long at the fair.
58068 Where do I find the time for not reading so many books?
58071 Where do you go to get anorexia?
58074 Where humor is concerned there are no standards -- no one can say what
58075 is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.
58076 -- John Kenneth Galbraith
58078 Where is John Carson now that we need him?
58081 Where it is a duty to worship the sun it is pretty sure to be a crime to
58082 examine the laws of heat.
58083 -- Christopher Morley
58085 Where, oh, where, are you tonight?
58086 Why did you leave me here all alone?
58087 I searched the world over, and I thought I'd found true love.
58088 You met another, and *PPHHHLLLBBBBTTT*, you wuz gone.
58090 Gloom, despair and agony on me.
58091 Deep dark depression, excessive misery.
58092 If it weren't for bad luck, I'd have no luck at all.
58093 Oh, gloom, despair and agony on me.
58096 Where, oh where, are you tonight?
58097 Why did you leave me here all alone?
58098 I searched the world over,
58099 And I thought I'd found true love,
58100 You met another and [Bronx cheer] you were gone!
58103 Where the hell is Wall Drug?
58105 Where the system is concerned, you're not allowed to ask "Why?".
58107 Where there are visible vapors, having their prevenance
58108 in ignited carbonaceous materials, there is conflagration.
58110 Where there is much light there is also much shadow.
58113 Where there's a whip there's a way.
58115 Where there's a will, there's a relative.
58117 Where there's a will, there's an Inheritance Tax.
58119 Where will it all end?
58120 Probably somewhere near where it all began.
58122 Where you stand depends on where you sit.
58123 -- Rufus Miles, HEW
58125 Whereof one cannot speak, thereof one must be silent.
58128 Where's the man could ease a heart
58130 -- Dorothy Parker, "The Satin Dress"
58132 ...whether it is better to spend a life not knowing what you want or to
58133 spend a life knowing exactly what you want and that you will never have it.
58136 Whether weary or unweary, O man, do not rest,
58137 Do not cease your single-handed struggle.
58138 Go on, do not rest.
58139 -- An old Gujarati hymn
58141 Whether you can hear it or not
58142 The Universe is laughing behind your back
58143 -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
58145 Which is worse: ignorance or apathy? Who knows? Who cares?
58147 Which would you rather have, a bursting
58148 planet or an earthquake here and there?
58149 -- John Joseph Lynch
58151 While anyone can admit to themselves they were wrong, the true test is
58152 admission to someone else.
58154 While Europe's eye is fix'd on mighty things,
58155 The fate of empires and the fall of kings;
58156 While quacks of State must each produce his plan,
58157 And even children lisp the Rights of Man;
58158 Amid this mighty fuss just let me mention,
58159 The Rights of Woman merit some attention.
58160 -- Robert Burns, Address on "The Rights of Woman",
58163 While having never invented a sin, I'm trying to perfect several.
58165 While he was in New York on location for _Bronco Billy_ (1980), Clint
58166 Eastwood agreed to a television interview. His host, somewhat hostile,
58167 began by defining a Clint Eastwood picture as a violent, ruthless,
58168 lawless, and bloody piece of mayhem, and then asked Eastwood himself to
58169 define a Clint Eastwood picture. "To me," said Eastwood calmly, "what
58170 a Clint Eastwood picture is, is one that I'm in."
58171 -- Boller and Davis, "Hollywood Anecdotes"
58173 While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping,
58174 As of some one gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door.
58175 -- Edgar Allan Poe, "The Raven"
58177 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
58178 referring to hardware interrupts.]
58180 And now I see with eye serene
58181 The very pulse of the machine.
58182 -- William Wordsworth, "She Was a Phantom of Delight"
58184 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
58185 referring to software interrupts.]
58187 While it may be true that a watched pot never boils, the one you don't
58188 keep an eye on can make an awful mess of your stove.
58189 -- Edward Stevenson
58191 While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own
58194 While money doesn't buy love, it puts you in a great bargaining
58197 While most peoples' opinions change, the conviction of their
58198 correctness never does.
58200 While passing a vacant lot late one night, a jogger was stopped by a man who
58201 held a gun to his head.
58202 "Who are you for," the gunman snarled, "Bush or Dukakis?"
58203 The runner thought for a moment, shifting nervously from foot to foot,
58204 as the muzzle pressed harder into his temple.
58205 "Bush or Dukakis?" the mugger insisted.
58206 Finally, the jogger shrugged his shoulders, closed his eyes and bowed
58207 his head. "Go ahead and shoot."
58209 While there's life, there's hope.
58210 -- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence)
58212 While walking down a crowded
58213 City street the other day,
58214 I heard a little urchin
58215 To a comrade turn and say,
58216 "Say, Chimmey, lemme tell youse,
58217 I'd be happy as a clam
58218 If only I was de feller dat
58219 Me mudder t'inks I am.
58221 "She t'inks I am a wonder, My friends, be yours a life of toil
58222 An' she knows her little lad Or undiluted joy,
58223 Could never mix wit' nuttin' You can learn a wholesome lesson
58224 Dat was ugly, mean or bad. From that small, untutored boy.
58225 Oh, lot o' times I sit and t'ink Don't aim to be an earthly saint
58226 How nice, 'twould be, gee whiz! With eyes fixed on a star:
58227 If a feller was de feller Just try to be the fellow that
58228 Dat his mudder t'inks he is." Your mother thinks you are.
58229 -- Will S. Adkin, "If I Only Was the Fellow"
58231 While we are sleeping, two-thirds of the world is plotting to do us in.
58234 While you don't greatly need the outside world, it's still very
58235 reassuring to know that it's still there.
58237 While you recently had your problems on the run,
58238 they've regrouped and are making another attack.
58240 While your friend holds you affectionately by both your hands you are
58241 safe, for you can watch both of his.
58242 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
58244 Whip it, whip it good!
58247 You never know who is right, but you always know who is in
58250 Whistler's mother is off her rocker.
58252 White dwarf seeks red giant for binary relationship.
58255 The obvious answer is always overlooked.
58260 Owen's Commentary on White's Statement:
58261 ...they might want to cut it out...
58263 Byrd's Addition to Owen's Commentary:
58264 ...and they want to avoid a lengthy search.
58268 Who can take the demands of the SDS seriously?
58271 "Who cares if it doesn't do anything? It was made with our new
58272 Triple-Iso-Bifurcated-Krypton-Gate-MOS process ..."
58274 Who dat who say "who dat" when I say "who dat"?
58277 Who does not love wine, women, and song,
58278 Remains a fool his whole life long.
58279 -- Johann Heinrich Voss
58281 Who does not trust enough will not be trusted.
58284 Who goeth a-borrowing goeth a-sorrowing.
58287 Who is D. B. Cooper, and where is he now?
58291 Who is W. O. Baker, and why is he saying those terrible things about me?
58293 Who loves me will also love my dog.
58296 Who loves not wisely but too well
58297 Will look on Helen's face in hell,
58298 But he whose love is thin and wise
58299 Will view John Knox in Paradise.
58302 Who made the world I cannot tell;
58303 'Tis made, and here am I in hell.
58304 My hand, though now my knuckles bleed,
58305 I never soiled with such a deed.
58308 Who messed with my anti-paranoia shot?
58310 Who needs companionship when you
58311 can sit alone in your room and drink?
58313 Who needs friends when you can sit alone in your room and drink?
58315 Who on earth would eat a charred caterpillar!?
58316 No, no, you SINGE 'em! You SINGE 'em and eat 'em!
58318 Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?
58319 -- Harry Warner, Warner Bros. Pictures, c. 1927
58321 Who to himself is law no law doth need,
58322 offends no law, and is a king indeed.
58325 Who took the MMMMMM out of MURINE?
58327 Who was that masked man?
58329 Who will take care of the world after you're gone?
58331 "WHOA!! Ken and Barbie are having TOO MUCH FUN!!
58332 It must be the NEGATIVE IONS!!"
58333 -- Zippy the Pinhead
58335 Whoever dies with the most toys wins.
58337 Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the process he does not
58338 become a monster. And when you look long into an abyss, the abyss also
58340 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
58342 Whoever named it "necking" was a poor judge of anatomy.
58345 Whoever tells a lie cannot be pure in heart -- and only the
58346 pure in heart can make a good soup.
58347 -- Ludwig van Beethoven
58349 Whoever would lie usefully should lie seldom.
58351 "Whom are you?" said he, for he had been to night school.
58354 Whom computers would destroy, they must first drive insane.
58356 Whom the gods wish to destroy they first call promising.
58358 Whom the mad would destroy, first they make Gods.
58363 Who's scruffy-looking?
58366 Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
58367 Why a man would want *two* wives is a bigamystery.
58369 Why am I so soft in the middle when the rest of my life is so hard?
58372 Why are programmers non-productive?
58373 Because their time is wasted in meetings.
58375 Why are programmers rebellious?
58376 Because the management interferes too much.
58378 Why are the programmers resigning one by one?
58379 Because they are burnt out.
58381 Having worked for poor management, they no longer value their jobs.
58382 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
58384 Why are we importing all these highbrow plays like "Amadeus"? I could
58385 have told you Mozart was a jerk for nothing.
58388 Why are you so hard to ignore?
58390 Why are you watching
58391 The washing machine?
58392 I love entertainment
58393 So long as it's clean.
58395 Professor Doberman:
58396 While the preceding poem is unarguably a change from the guarded
58397 pessimism of "The Hound of Heaven," it cannot be regarded as an unqualified
58398 improvement. Obscurity is of value only when it tends to clarify the poetic
58399 experience. As much as one is compelled to admire the poem's technique, one
58400 must question whether its byplay of complex literary allusions does not in
58401 fact distract from the unity of the whole. In the final analysis, one
58402 receives the distinct impression that the poem's length could safely have
58403 been reduced by a factor of eight or ten without sacrificing any of its
58404 meaning. It is to be hoped that further publication of this poem can be
58405 suspended pending a thorough investigation of its potential subversive
58408 Why attack God? He may be as miserable as we are.
58411 "Why be a man when you can be a success?"
58414 Why be difficult, when, with just a
58415 little more effort, you can be impossible?
58417 Why bother building any more nuclear warheads until we use the ones we
58420 Why can't you be a non-conformist like everyone else?
58422 Why did the Lord give us so much quickness of movement unless it was to
58423 avoid responsibility with?
58425 Why did the Roman Empire collapse? What is the Latin for office
58428 Why do mathematicians insist on using words that already have another
58429 meaning? "It is the complex case that is easier to deal with." "If it
58430 doesn't happen at a corner, but at an edge, it nonetheless happens at a
58433 Why do seagulls live near the sea?
58434 'Cause if they lived near the bay, they'd be called baygulls.
58436 Why do so many foods come packaged in plastic?
58437 It's quite uncanny.
58439 Why do they call a fast a fast, when it goes so slow?
58441 Why do they call it baby-SITTING when all you do is run after them?
58443 Why do we have two eyes? To watch 3-D movies with.
58445 Why do we want intelligent terminals
58446 when there are so many stupid users?
58448 Why does a hearse horse snicker, hauling a lawyer away?
58451 Why does a ship carry cargo and a truck carry shipments?
58453 Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently
58454 there must be a beverage.
58455 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
58457 Why does New Jersey have more toxic waste dumps and California have
58460 New Jersey had first choice.
58462 Why doesn't everybody leave everybody else the hell alone?
58465 Why don't elephants eat penguins ?
58467 Because they can't get the wrappers off ...
58469 Why don't somebody print the truth about our present economic condition?
58470 We spent years of wild buying on credit, everything under the sun, whether
58471 we needed it or not, and now we are having to pay for it, howling like a
58472 pet coon. This would be a great world to dance in if we didn't have to
58474 -- The Best of Will Rogers
58476 Why don't you fix your little problem... and light this candle?
58477 -- Alan Shepard, the first American into space, Gemini program
58479 Why, every one as they like; as the good woman said when she
58483 Why I Can't Go Out With You:
58485 I'd LOVE to, but...
58486 -- I have to answer all of my "occupant" letters.
58487 -- None of my socks match.
58488 -- I'm having all my plants neutered.
58489 -- I changed the lock on my door and now I can't get out.
58490 -- My yucca plant is feeling yucky.
58491 -- I'm touring China with a wok band.
58492 -- My chocolate-appreciation class meets that night.
58493 -- I'm running off to Yugoslavia with a foreign-exchange student
58494 named Basil Metabolism.
58495 -- There are important world issues that need worrying about.
58496 -- I'm going to count the bristles in my toothbrush.
58497 -- I prefer to remain an enigma.
58498 -- I think you want the OTHER Peggy/Cathy/Mike/whomever.
58499 -- I feel a song coming on.
58501 Why I Can't Go Out With You:
58503 I'd LOVE to, but...
58504 -- I have to draw "Cubby" for an art scholarship.
58505 -- I have to sit up with a sick ant.
58506 -- I'm trying to be less popular.
58507 -- My bathroom tiles need grouting.
58508 -- I'm waiting to see if I'm already a winner.
58509 -- My subconscious says no.
58510 -- I just picked up a book called "Glue in Many Lands" and I
58511 can't seem to put it down.
58512 -- My favorite commercial is on TV.
58513 -- I have to study for my blood test.
58514 -- I've been traded to Cincinnati.
58515 -- I'm having my baby shoes bronzed.
58516 -- I have to go to court for kitty littering.
58518 Why I Can't Go Out With You:
58520 I'd LOVE to, but...
58521 -- I'm trying to see how long I can go without saying yes.
58522 -- I'm attending the opening of my garage door.
58523 -- The monsters haven't turned blue yet, and I have to eat more dots.
58524 -- I'm converting my calendar watch from Julian to Gregorian.
58525 -- I have to fulfill my potential.
58526 -- I don't want to leave my comfort zone.
58527 -- It's too close to the turn of the century.
58528 -- I have to bleach my hare.
58529 -- I'm worried about my vertical hold knob.
58530 -- I left my body in my other clothes.
58532 Why I Can't Go Out With You:
58534 I'd LOVE to, but...
58535 -- I've got a Friends of the Lowly Rutabaga meeting.
58536 -- I promised to help a friend fold road maps.
58537 -- I've been scheduled for a karma transplant.
58538 -- I'm staying home to work on my cottage cheese sculpture.
58539 -- It's my parakeet's bowling night.
58540 -- I'm building a plant from a kit.
58541 -- There's a disturbance in the Force.
58542 -- I'm doing door-to-door collecting for static cling.
58543 -- I'm teaching my ferret to yodel.
58544 -- My crayons all melted together.
58546 Why I Can't Go Out With You:
58548 I'd LOVE to, but ...
58549 -- I have to floss my cat.
58550 -- I've dedicated my life to linguini.
58551 -- I need to spend more time with my blender.
58552 -- it wouldn't be fair to the other Beautiful People.
58553 -- it's my night to pet the dog/ferret/goldfish.
58554 -- I'm going downtown to try on some gloves.
58555 -- I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products.
58556 -- I'm going down to the bakery to watch the buns rise.
58557 -- I have an appointment with a cuticle specialist.
58558 -- I have some really hard words to look up.
58559 -- I've got a Friends of the Lowly Rutabaga meeting.
58560 -- I promised to help a friend fold road maps.
58562 Why is it called a funny bone when it hurts so much?
58564 Why is it taking so long for her to bring out all the good in you?
58566 "Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral? It is
58567 because we are not the person involved"
58570 Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
58573 "Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?"
58576 Why isn't there some cheap and easy
58577 way to prove how much she means to me?
58579 "Why must you tell me all your secrets when it's hard enough to love
58580 you knowing nothing?"
58581 -- Lloyd Cole and the Commotions
58583 Why my thoughts are my own, when they are in, but when they are out they
58585 -- Susanna Martin, executed for witchcraft, 1681
58587 Why not? -- What? -- Why not? -- Why should I not send it? -- Why should I
58588 not dispatch it? -- Why not? -- Strange! I don't know why I shouldn't --
58589 Well, then -- You will do me this favor. -- Why not? -- Why should you not
58590 do it? -- Why not? -- Strange! I shall do the same for you, when you want
58591 me to. Why not? Why should I not do it for you? Strange! Why not? --
58592 I can't think why not.
58593 -- Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, from a letter to his cousin Maria,
58594 "The Definitive Biography of PDQ Bach", Peter Schickele
58596 Why not go out on a limb?
58597 Isn't that where the fruit is?
58599 Why not have an old-fashioned Christmas for your family this year?
58600 Just picture the scene in your living room on Christmas morning as your
58601 children open their old-fashioned presents.
58603 Your 11-year-old son: "What the heck is this?"
58605 You: "A spinning top! You spin it around, and then eventually it
58606 falls down. What fun! Ha, ha!"
58608 Son: "Is this a joke? Jason Thompson's parents got him a computer
58609 with two disk drives and 128 kilobytes of random-access memory,
58610 and I get this cretin TOP?"
58612 Your 8-year-old daughter: "You think that's bad? Look at this."
58614 You: "It's figgy pudding! What a treat!"
58616 Daughter: "It looks like goat barf."
58617 -- Dave Barry, "Simple, Homespun Gifts"
58619 Why on earth do people buy old bottles of wine when they can get a
58620 fresh one for a quarter of the price?
58622 "Why was I born with such contemporaries?"
58625 Why, when no honest man will deny in private that every ultimate problem is
58626 wrapped in the profoundest mystery, do honest men proclaim in pulpits that
58627 unhesitating certainty is the duty of the most foolish and ignorant? Is it
58628 not a spectacle to make the angels laugh? We are a company of ignorant
58629 beings, feeling our way through mists and darkness, learning only be
58630 incessantly repeated blunders, obtaining a glimmering of truth by falling
58631 into every conceivable error, dimly discerning light enough for our daily
58632 needs, but hopelessly differing whenever we attempt to describe the ultimate
58633 origin or end of our paths; and yet, when one of us ventures to declare that
58634 we don't know the map of the universe as well as the map of our infinitesimal
58635 parish, he is hooted, reviled, and perhaps told that he will be damned to all
58636 eternity for his faithlessness.
58637 -- Leslie Stephen, "An Agnostic's Apology",
58638 Fortnightly Review, 1876
58640 Why won't you let me kiss you goodnight? Is it something I said?
58643 Why would anyone want to be called "Later"?
58645 Why You Can't Run When There's Trouble in the Office:
58646 No matter where you stand, no matter how far or fast you flee,
58647 when it hits the fan, as much as possible will be propelled in your
58648 direction, and almost none will be returned to the source.
58651 Why you say you no bunny rabbit when you have little powder-puff tail?
58652 -- The Tasmanian Devil
58655 Government expands to absorb all available revenue and then some.
58658 A pat on the back is only a few
58659 centimeters from a kick in the pants.
58661 Will Rogers never met you.
58663 Will you loan me $20.00 and only give me ten of it?
58664 That way, you will owe me ten, and I'll owe you ten, and we'll be even!
58666 Will your long-winded speeches never end?
58667 What ails you that you keep on arguing?
58670 Williams and Holland's Law:
58671 If enough data is collected, anything may be proven by
58672 statistical methods.
58674 Willie in the cauldron fell; Willie saw some dynamite,
58675 See the grief on mother's brow; Couldn't understand it quite;
58676 Mother loved her darling well -- Curiosity never pays:
58677 Willie's quite hard-boiled by now. It rained Willie seven days.
58679 Little Willie with a shout, William in a nice new sash,
58680 Gouged the baby's eyeballs out; Fell in the fire and burned to an ash.
58681 Stamped on them to make them pop. Now, although the room grows chilly,
58682 Mother cried, "Now, William, stop!" I haven't the heart to poke poor Billy.
58684 William with a thirst for gore, Little Willie mean as hell,
58685 Nailed the baby to the door. Threw his sister in the well!
58686 Mother said, with humor quaint: Said his mother when drawing water,
58687 "Careful, Will, don't mar the paint." "sure is hard to raise a daughter."
58688 -- Harry Graham, "Ruthless Rhymes for Heartless Homes", 1899
58690 Wilner's Observation:
58691 All conversations with a potato should be conducted in private.
58693 Winning isn't everything. It's the only thing.
58696 Winning isn't everything, but losing isn't anything.
58698 Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity...
58699 If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your
58700 head... if you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick...
58703 Winter is nature's way of saying, "Up yours."
58706 Winter is the season in which people try to keep the house as warm as
58707 it was in the summer, when they complained about the heat.
58709 [Wisdom] is a tree of life to those laying
58710 hold of her, making happy each one holding her fast.
58711 -- Proverbs 3:18, NSV
58713 Wisdom is knowing what to do with what you know.
58716 Wisdom is rarely found on the best-seller list.
58718 Wishing without work is like fishing without bait.
58722 The salt with which the American Humorist spoils his cookery...
58724 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
58726 With a gentleman I try to be a gentleman and a half, and with a fraud I
58727 try to be a fraud and a half.
58728 -- Otto von Bismarck
58730 With a rubber duck, one's never alone.
58731 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
58733 With all the fancy scientists in the world,
58734 why can't they just once build a nuclear balm.
58736 With all the talent around, it's sort of
58737 amazing that a woman could be up here with us.
58738 -- Ralph Kiner, on introducing an award winner
58740 With clothes the new are best, with friends the old are best.
58742 With Congress, every time they make a joke it's a law; and every time
58743 they make a law it's a joke.
58746 With every passing hour our solar system comes forty-three thousand
58747 miles closer to globular cluster M13 in the constellation Hercules, and
58748 still there are some misfits who continue to insist that there is no
58749 such thing as progress.
58752 With her body, woman is more sincere than man; but with her mind
58753 she lies. And when she lies, she does not believe herself.
58756 With listening comes wisdom, with speaking repentance.
58758 With reasonable men I will reason;
58759 with humane men I will plead;
58760 but to tyrants I will give no quarter.
58761 -- William Lloyd Garrison
58763 With the end of the football season, a star player for the college team
58764 celebrated the relaxation of team curfew by attending a late-night campus
58765 party. Soon after arriving, he became captivated by a beautiful coed and
58766 eased into a conversation with her by asking if she met many dates at
58768 "Oh, I have a three point eight, so I'm much more attracted to the
58769 strong academic types than to the dumb party animals," she said. "What's
58771 Grinning ear to ear, the jock boasted, "I get about twenty-five in
58772 the city and forty on the highway."
58774 With women, I've got a long bamboo pole with a leather loop on the end of
58775 it. I slip the loop around their necks so they can't get away or come too
58776 close. Like catching snakes.
58779 Within a computer, natural language is unnatural.
58781 Within a month [in 1969] I had met the first of a small but not uninfluential
58782 community of people who violently opposed SALT for a simple reason: It might
58783 keep America from developing a first-strike capability against the Soviet
58784 Union. I'll never forget being lectured by an Air Force colonel about how
58785 we should have "nuked" the Soviets in late 1940s before they got The Bomb.
58786 I was told that if SALT would go away, we'd soon have the capability to nuke
58787 them again -- and this time we'd use it.
58788 -- Roger Molander, former nuclear strategist for the
58789 White House's National Security Council, Washington
58790 Post, 21 March, 1982
58792 Without adventure, civilization is in full decay.
58793 -- Alfred North Whitehead
58795 Without coffee he could not work, or at least he could not have worked in the
58796 way he did. In addition to paper and pens, he took with him everywhere as an
58797 indispensable article of equipment the coffee machine, which was no less
58798 important to him than his table or his white robe.
58799 -- Stefan Zweigs, Biography of Balzac
58801 Without fools there would be no wisdom.
58803 Without ice cream life and fame are meaningless.
58805 Without life, Biology itself would be impossible.
58807 Without love intelligence is dangerous;
58808 without intelligence love is not enough.
58811 With/Without - and who'll deny it's what the fighting's all about?
58814 Woke up this mornin' an' I had myself a beer,
58815 Yeah, Ah woke up this mornin' an' I had myself a beer
58816 The future's uncertain and the end is always near.
58817 -- Jim Morrison, "Roadhouse Blues"
58819 Woke up this morning, don't believe what I saw. Hundred billion
58820 bottles washed up on the shore. Seems I never noted being alone.
58821 Hundred billion castaways looking for a call.
58824 A man who knows all the ankles.
58826 Woman: "Is Yoo-Hoo hyphenated?"
58827 Yogi Berra: "No, ma'am, its not even carbonated."
58829 Woman are like elephants to me: I like to look at them, but I wouldn't
58833 Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
58836 Woman is generally so bad that the difference
58837 between a good and a bad woman scarcely exists.
58841 An animal usually living in the vicinity of Man, and
58842 having a rudimentary susceptibility to domestication.
58843 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
58845 Woman on Street: Sir, you are drunk; very, very drunk.
58846 Winston Churchill: Madame, you are ugly; very, very ugly.
58847 I shall be sober in the morning.
58849 Woman was God's second mistake.
58850 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
58852 Woman was taken out of man -- not out of his head, to rule over him; nor
58853 out of his feet, to be trampled under by him; but out of his side, to be
58854 equal to him -- under his arm, that he might protect her, and near his heart
58855 that he might love her.
58858 Woman would be more charming if one could
58859 fall into her arms without falling into her hands.
58862 Woman's advice has little value, but he who won't take it is a fool.
58865 Wombat's Laws of Computer Selection:
58866 (1) If it doesn't run Unix, forget it.
58867 (2) Any computer design over 10 years old is obsolete.
58868 (3) Anything made by IBM is junk. (See number 2)
58869 (4) The minimum acceptable CPU power for a single user is a
58870 VAX/780 with a floating point accelerator.
58871 (5) Any computer with a mouse is worthless.
58874 Women are a problem, but if you haven't already guessed,
58875 they're the kind of problem I enjoy wrestling with.
58878 Women are all alike. When they're maids they're mild as milk:
58879 once make 'em wives, and they lean their backs against their
58880 marriage certificates, and defy you.
58883 Women are always anxious to urge bachelors to matrimony; is it
58884 from charity, or revenge?
58885 -- Gustave Vapereau
58887 Women are just like men, only different.
58889 Women are like elephants to me: I like to
58890 look at them, but I wouldn't want to own one.
58893 Women are not much, but they are the best other sex we have.
58896 Women are nothing but machines for producing children.
58899 Women are wiser than men because they know less and understand more.
58902 Women aren't as mere as they used to be.
58905 Women can keep a secret just as well as men,
58906 but it takes more of them to do it.
58908 Women complain about sex more than men. Their gripes fall into two
58909 categories: (1) Not enough and (2) Too much.
58912 Women, deceived by men, want to marry them; it is a kind of revenge
58913 as good as any other.
58914 -- Philippe De Remi
58916 Women give themselves to God when the
58917 Devil wants nothing more to do with them.
58920 Women give to men the very gold of their lives. Possibly;
58921 but they invariably want it back in such very small change.
58924 Women in love consist of a little sighing, a little
58925 crying, a little dying -- and a good deal of lying.
58928 Women of genius commonly have masculine faces, figures and manners.
58929 In transplanting brains to an alien soil God leaves a little of the
58930 original earth clinging to the roots.
58933 Women reason with the heart and are much less often wrong
58934 than men who reason with the head.
58937 Women sometimes forgive a man who forces the opportunity,
58938 but never a man who misses one.
58939 -- Charles De Talleyrand-Perigord
58941 Women treat us just as humanity treats its gods. They worship
58942 us and are always bothering us to do something for them.
58945 Women want their men to be cops. They want you to punish them and tell
58946 them what the limits are. The only thing that women hate worse from a man
58947 than being slapped is when you get on your knees and say you're sorry.
58950 Women waste men's lives and think they have
58951 indemnified them by a few gracious words.
58952 -- Honore de Balzac
58954 Women, when they are not in love, have all
58955 the cold blood of an experienced attorney.
58956 -- Honore de Balzac
58958 Women, when they have made a sheep of a man,
58959 always tell him that he is a lion with a will of iron.
58960 -- Honore de Balzac
58962 Women who desire to be like men, lack ambition.
58964 Women who want to be equal to men lack imagination.
58966 Women wish to be loved without a why or a wherefore;
58967 not because they are pretty, or good, or well-bred, or
58968 graceful, or intelligent, but because they are themselves.
58971 Women's virtue is man's greatest invention.
58972 -- Cornelia Otis Skinner
58974 Wonder is the feeling of a philosopher,
58975 and philosophy begins in wonder.
58976 Socrates, quoting Plato
58979 Your hangover just makes it seem terrible.
58981 Wood is highly ecological, since trees are a renewable resource. If
58982 you cut down a tree, another will grow in its place. And if you cut
58983 down the new tree, still another will grow. And if you cut down that
58984 tree, yet another will grow, only this one will be a mutation with
58985 long, poisonous tentacles and revenge in its heart, and it will sit
58986 there in the forest, cackling and making elaborate plans for when you
58989 Wood heat is not new. It dates back to a day millions of years ago,
58990 when a group of cavemen were sitting around, watching dinosaurs rot.
58991 Suddenly, lightning struck a nearby log and set it on fire. One of the
58992 cavemen stared at the fire for a few minutes, then said: "Hey! Wood
58993 heat!" The other cavemen, who did not understand English, immediately
58994 beat him to death with stones. But the key discovery had been made,
58995 and from that day forward, the cavemen had all the heat they needed,
58996 although their insurance rates went way up.
58997 -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler"
59000 A theory is better than its explanation.
59002 Woody: What's the story, Mr. Peterson?
59003 Norm: The Bobbsey twins go to the brewery.
59004 Let's just cut to the happy ending.
59005 -- Cheers, Airport V
59007 Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, there's a cold one waiting for you.
59008 Norm: I know, and if she calls, I'm not here.
59009 -- Cheers, Bar Wars II: The Woodman Strikes Back
59012 Norm: Have I gotten that predictable? Good.
59013 -- Cheers, Don't Paint Your Chickens
59015 Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, Jack Frost nipping at your nose?
59016 Norm: Yep, now let's get Joe Beer nipping at my liver, huh?
59017 -- Cheers, Feeble Attraction
59019 Sam: What are you up to Norm?
59020 Norm: My ideal weight if I were eleven feet tall.
59021 -- Cheers, Bar Wars III: The Return of Tecumseh
59023 Woody: Nice cold beer coming up, Mr. Peterson.
59024 Norm: You mean, `Nice cold beer going *down* Mr. Peterson.'
59025 -- Cheers, Loverboyd
59027 Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, what do you say to a cold one?
59028 Norm: See you later, Vera, I'll be at Cheers.
59029 -- Cheers, Norm's Last Hurrah
59031 Sam: Well, look at you. You look like the cat that
59032 swallowed the canary.
59033 Norm: And I need a beer to wash him down.
59034 -- Cheers, Norm's Last Hurrah
59036 Woody: Would you like a beer, Mr. Peterson?
59037 Norm: No, I'd like a dead cat in a glass.
59038 -- Cheers, Little Carla, Happy at Last, Part 2
59040 Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, what's up?
59041 Norm: The warranty on my liver.
59042 -- Cheers, Breaking In Is Hard to Do
59044 Sam: What can I do for you, Norm?
59045 Norm: Open up those beer taps and, oh, take the day off, Sam.
59046 -- Cheers, Veggie-Boyd
59048 Woody: What's going on, Mr. Peterson?
59049 Norm: Another layer for the winter, Wood.
59050 -- Cheers, It's a Wonderful Wife
59052 Woody: How are you feeling today, Mr. Peterson?
59054 Woody: Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
59055 Norm: No, I meant `pour'.
59056 -- Cheers, Strange Bedfellows, Part 3
59058 Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, what's the story?
59059 Norm: Boy meets beer. Boy drinks beer. Boy gets another beer.
59060 -- Cheers, The Proposal
59062 Paul: Hey Norm, how's the world been treating you?
59063 Norm: Like a baby treats a diaper.
59064 -- Cheers, Tan 'n Wash
59066 Woody: What's going on, Mr. Peterson?
59067 Norm: Let's talk about what's going *in* Mr. Peterson. A beer, Woody.
59068 -- Cheers, Paint Your Office
59070 Sam: How's life treating you?
59071 Norm: It's not, Sammy, but that doesn't mean you can't.
59072 -- Cheers, A Kiss is Still a Kiss
59074 Woody: Can I pour you a draft, Mr. Peterson?
59075 Norm: A little early, isn't it Woody?
59077 Norm: No, for stupid questions.
59078 -- Cheers, Let Sleeping Drakes Lie
59080 Woody: What's happening, Mr. Peterson?
59081 Norm: The question is, Woody, why is it happening to me?
59082 -- Cheers, Strange Bedfellows, Part 1
59084 Woody: What's going down, Mr. Peterson?
59085 Norm: My cheeks on this barstool.
59086 -- Cheers, Strange Bedfellows, Part 2
59088 Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, can I pour you a beer?
59089 Norm: Well, okay, Woody, but be sure to stop me at one. ...
59090 Eh, make that one-thirty.
59091 -- Cheers, Strange Bedfellows, Part 2
59093 Woolsey-Swanson Rule:
59094 People would rather live with a problem they cannot
59095 solve rather than accept a solution they cannot understand.
59097 Words are the voice of the heart.
59099 Words can never express what words can never express.
59101 Words have a longer life than deeds.
59104 Words must be weighed, not counted.
59107 The blessed respite from screaming kids and
59108 soap operas for which you actually get paid.
59110 Work consists of whatever a body is obliged to do.
59111 Play consists of whatever a body is not obliged to do.
59114 Work continues in this area.
59115 -- DEC's SPR-Answering-Automaton
59117 Work expands to fill the time available.
59118 -- Cyril Northcote Parkinson, "The Economist", 1955
59120 Work is of two kinds: first, altering the position of matter at or near
59121 the earth's surface relative to other matter; second, telling other people
59123 -- Bertrand Russell
59125 Work is the crab grass in the lawn of life.
59128 Work is the curse of the drinking classes.
59131 Work like hell, tell everyone everything you know, close a deal with
59132 a handshake, and have fun.
59133 -- Harold "Doc" Edgerton, summing up his life's philosophy,
59134 shortly before dying at the age of 86.
59136 Work Rule: Leave of Absence (for an Operation):
59137 We are no longer allowing this practice. We wish to discourage
59138 any thoughts that you may not need all of whatever you have, and you
59139 should not consider having anything removed. We hired you as you are,
59140 and to have anything removed would certainly make you less than we
59143 Work smarter, not harder, and be careful of your speling.
59145 Work without a vision is slavery,
59146 Vision without work is a pipe dream,
59147 But vision with work is the hope of the world.
59149 Workers of the world, arise! You have nothing to lose but your chairs.
59151 Working with Julie Andrews is like getting hit over the head with
59153 -- Christopher Plummer
59155 World tensions have, if anything, increased in the quarter century
59156 since H. G. Wells uttered his glum warning: "There is no more evil
59157 thing on earth than race prejudice, none at all. I write deliberately
59158 -- it is the worst single thing in life now. It justifies and holds
59159 together more baseness, cruelty and abomination than any other sort of
59160 error in the world."
59163 World War Three can be averted by adherence to a strictly enforced
59166 Worrying is like rocking in a rocking chair--
59167 It gives you something to do, but it doesn't get you anywhere.
59169 Worst Month of 1981 for Downhill Skiing:
59170 August. The lift lines are the shortest, though.
59171 -- Steve Rubenstein
59173 Worst Month of the Year:
59174 February. February has only 28 days in it, which means that if
59175 you rent an apartment, you are paying for three full days you don't
59176 get. Try to avoid Februarys whenever possible.
59177 -- Steve Rubenstein
59179 Worst Response To A Crisis, 1985:
59180 From a readers' Q and A column in TV GUIDE: "If we get involved
59181 in a nuclear war, would the electromagnetic pulses from exploding bombs
59182 damage my videotapes?"
59184 Worst Vegetable of the Year:
59185 Brussel sprout. This is also the worst vegetable of next year.
59186 -- Steve Rubenstein
59189 Yes, but not worth going to see.
59192 -- Sir George Bidell Airy, KCB, MA, LLD, DCL, FRS, FRAS
59193 (Astronomer Royal of Great Britain), estimating for the
59194 Chancellor of the Exchequer the potential value of the
59195 "analytical engine" invented by Charles Babbage, September
59198 Would it help if I got out and pushed?
59199 -- Princess Leia Organa
59201 Would that my hand were as swift as my tongue.
59204 Would the last person to leave Michigan please turn out the lights?
59206 Would ye both eat your cake and have your cake?
59209 Would you care to drift aimlessly in my direction?
59211 Would you care to view the ruins of my good intentions?
59213 Would you like to be tried in court by people
59214 who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty?
59216 Would you people stop playing these stupid games?!?!?!!!!
59218 Would you *really* want to get on a non-stop flight?
59221 "Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?"
59223 "That depends a good deal on where you want to get to," said the Cat.
59226 Wouldn't the sentence "I want to put a hyphen between the words Fish
59227 and And and And and Chips in my Fish-And-Chips sign" have been clearer
59228 if quotation marks had been placed before Fish, and between Fish and
59229 and, and and and And, and And and and, and and and And, and And and
59230 and, and and and Chips, as well as after Chips?
59232 Wouldn't this be a great world if being insecure and desperate were
59234 -- "Broadcast News"
59236 Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been.
59239 Write a wise saying and your name will live forever.
59242 Write yourself a threatening letter and pen a defiant reply.
59244 Write-Protect Tab, n.:
59245 A small sticker created to cover the unsightly notch carelessly
59246 left by disk manufacturers. The use of the tab creates an error
59247 message once in a while, but its aesthetic value far outweighs the
59248 momentary inconvenience.
59251 Writers who use a computer swear to its liberating power in tones that bear
59252 witness to the apocalyptic power of a new divinity. Their conviction results
59253 from something deeper than mere gratitude for the computer's conveniences.
59254 Every new medium of writing brings about new intensities of religious belief
59255 and new schisms among believers. In the 16th century the printed book helped
59256 make possible the split between Catholics and Protestants. In the 20th
59257 century this history of tragedy and triumph is repeating itself as a farce.
59258 Those who worship the Apple computer and those who put their faith in the IBM
59259 PC are equally convinced that the other camp is damned or deluded. Each cult
59260 holds in contempt the rituals and the laws of the other. Each thinks that it
59261 is itself the one hope for salvation.
59262 -- Edward Mendelson, "The New Republic", February 22, 1988
59264 Writing about music is like dancing about architecture.
59267 Writing free verse is like playing tennis with the net down.
59269 Writing is easy; all you do is sit staring at the blank sheet of
59270 paper until drops of blood form on your forehead.
59273 Writing is turning one's worst moments into money.
59276 Writing software is more fun than working.
59280 "Wrong," said Renner.
59282 "The tactful way," Rod said quietly, "the polite way to disagree with
59283 the Senator would be to say, `That turns out not to be the case.'"
59286 What You See Is What You Get.
59289 Accept any substitute.
59290 If it's broke, don't fix it.
59291 If it ain't broke, fix it.
59292 Form follows malfunction.
59293 The Cutting Edge of Obsolescence.
59294 The trailing edge of software technology.
59295 Armageddon never looked so good.
59296 Japan's secret weapon.
59297 You'll envy the dead.
59298 Making the world safe for competing window systems.
59299 Let it get in YOUR way.
59300 The problem for your problem.
59301 If it starts working, we'll fix it. Pronto.
59302 It could be worse, but it'll take time.
59303 Simplicity made complex.
59304 The greatest productivity aid since typhoid.
59305 Flakey and built to stay that way.
59307 One thousand monkeys. One thousand MicroVAXes. One thousand years.
59311 It's not how slow you make it. It's how you make it slow.
59312 The windowing system preferred by masochists 3 to 1.
59313 Built to take on the world... and lose!
59314 Don't try it 'til you've knocked it.
59315 Power tools for Power Fools.
59316 Putting new limits on productivity.
59317 The closer you look, the cruftier we look.
59318 Design by counterexample.
59319 A new level of software disintegration.
59320 No hardware is safe.
59322 Rationalization, not realization.
59323 Old-world software cruftsmanship at its finest.
59324 Gratuitous incompatibility.
59326 THE user interference management system.
59327 You can't argue with failure.
59328 You haven't died 'til you've used it.
59330 The environment of today... tomorrow!
59334 Something you can be ashamed of.
59335 30%% more entropy than the leading window system.
59336 The first fully modular software disaster.
59337 Rome was destroyed in a day.
59338 Warn your friends about it.
59339 Climbing to new depths. Sinking to new heights.
59340 An accident that couldn't wait to happen.
59341 Don't wait for the movie.
59342 Never use it after a big meal.
59344 Plumbing the depths of human incompetence.
59345 It'll make your day.
59346 Don't get frustrated without it.
59347 Power tools for power losers.
59348 A software disaster of Biblical proportions.
59349 Never had it. Never will.
59350 The software with no visible means of support.
59351 More than just a generation behind.
59353 Hindenburg. Titanic. Edsel.
59357 The ultimate bottleneck.
59358 Flawed beyond belief.
59359 The only thing you have to fear.
59360 Somewhere between chaos and insanity.
59361 On autopilot to oblivion.
59362 The joke that kills.
59363 A disgrace you can be proud of.
59364 A mistake carried out to perfection.
59365 Belongs more to the problem set than the solution set.
59366 To err is X windows.
59367 Ignorance is our most important resource.
59368 Complex nonsolutions to simple nonproblems.
59369 Built to fall apart.
59370 Nullifying centuries of progress.
59371 Falling to new depths of inefficiency.
59372 The last thing you need.
59373 The defacto substandard.
59375 Elevating brain damage to an art form.
59379 We will dump no core before its time.
59380 One good crash deserves another.
59381 A bad idea whose time has come. And gone.
59383 It didn't even look good on paper.
59384 You laugh now, but you'll be laughing harder later!
59385 A new concept in abuser interfaces.
59386 How can something get so bad, so quickly?
59387 It could happen to you.
59388 The art of incompetence.
59389 You have nothing to lose but your lunch.
59390 When uselessness just isn't enough.
59391 More than a mere hindrance. It's a whole new barrier!
59392 When you can't afford to be right.
59393 And you thought we couldn't make it worse.
59395 If it works, it isn't X windows.
59398 You'd better sit down.
59399 Don't laugh. It could be YOUR thesis project.
59400 Why do it right when you can do it wrong?
59401 Live the nightmare.
59402 Our bugs run faster.
59403 When it absolutely, positively HAS to crash overnight.
59404 There ARE no rules.
59405 You'll wish we were kidding.
59406 Everything you never wanted in a window system. And more.
59407 Dissatisfaction guaranteed.
59408 There's got to be a better way.
59409 The next best thing to keypunching.
59410 Leave the thrashing to us.
59411 We wrote the book on core dumps.
59412 Even your dog won't like it.
59413 More than enough rope.
59414 Garbage at your fingertips.
59416 Incompatibility. Shoddiness. Uselessness.
59419 Xerox does it again and again and again and ...
59421 Xerox never comes up with anything original.
59424 If the Earth could be made to rotate twice as fast, managers would
59425 get twice as much done. If the Earth could be made to rotate twenty
59426 times as fast, everyone else would get twice as much done since all
59427 the managers would fly off.
59429 It costs a lot to build bad products.
59431 There are many highly successful businesses in the United States.
59432 There are also many highly paid executives. The policy is not to
59433 intermingle the two.
59435 After the year 2015, there will be no airplane crashes. There will
59436 be no takeoffs either, because electronics will occupy 100 percent
59437 of every airplane's weight.
59439 The last 10 percent of performance generates one-third of the cost
59440 and two-thirds of the problems.
59441 -- Norman Augustine
59444 The practice of trying to determine the year a movie was made
59445 by deciphering the Roman numerals at the end of the credits.
59446 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
59449 The more one produces, the less one gets.
59451 Simple systems are not feasible because they require infinite testing.
59453 Hardware works best when it matters the least.
59455 Aircraft flight in the 21st century will always be in a westerly
59456 direction, preferably supersonic, crossing time zones to provide the
59457 additional hours needed to fix the broken electronics.
59459 One should expect that the expected can be prevented, but the
59460 unexpected should have been expected.
59462 A billion saved is a billion earned.
59463 -- Norman Augustine
59466 Two-thirds of the Earth's surface is covered with water. The other
59467 third is covered with auditors from headquarters.
59469 The more time you spend talking about what you have been doing, the
59470 less time you have to spend doing what you have been talking about.
59471 Eventually, you spend more and more time talking about less and less
59472 until finally you spend all your time talking about nothing.
59474 Regulations grow at the same rate as weeds.
59476 The average regulation has a life span one-fifth as long as a
59477 chimpanzee's and one-tenth as long as a human's -- but four times
59478 as long as the official's who created it.
59480 By the time of the United States Tricentennial, there will be more
59481 government workers than there are workers.
59483 People working in the private sector should try to save money.
59484 There remains the possibility that it may someday be valuable again.
59485 -- Norman Augustine
59487 X-rated movies are all alike ... the only thing they leave to the
59488 imagination is the plot.
59491 In the year 2054, the entire defense budget will purchase just one
59492 aircraft. This aircraft will have to be shared by the Air Force and
59493 Navy 3-1/2 days each per week except for leap year, when it will be
59494 made available to the Marines for the extra day.
59496 Software is like entropy. It is difficult to grasp, weighs nothing,
59497 and obeys the Second Law of Thermodynamics, i.e., it always increases.
59499 It is very expensive to achieve high unreliability. It is not uncommon
59500 to increase the cost of an item by a factor of ten for each factor of
59501 ten degradation accomplished.
59503 Although most products will soon be too costly to purchase, there will
59504 be a thriving market in the sale of books on how to fix them.
59506 In any given year, Congress will appropriate the amount of funding
59507 approved the prior year plus three-fourths of whatever change the
59508 administration requests -- minus 4-percent tax.
59509 -- Norman Augustine
59512 It's easy to get a loan unless you need it.
59514 If stock market experts were so expert, they would be buying stock,
59515 not selling advice.
59517 Any task can be completed in only one-third more time than is
59518 currently estimated.
59520 The only thing more costly than stretching the schedule of an
59521 established project is accelerating it, which is itself the most
59522 costly action known to man.
59524 A revised schedule is to business what a new season is to an athlete
59525 or a new canvas to an artist.
59526 -- Norman Augustine
59529 If a sufficient number of management layers are superimposed on each
59530 other, it can be assured that disaster is not left to chance.
59532 Rank does not intimidate hardware. Neither does the lack of rank.
59534 It is better to be the reorganizer than the reorganizee.
59536 Executives who do not produce successful results hold on to their
59537 jobs only about five years. Those who produce effective results
59538 hang on about half a decade.
59540 By the time the people asking the questions are ready for the answers,
59541 the people doing the work have lost track of the questions.
59542 -- Norman Augustine
59545 The optimum committee has no members.
59547 Hiring consultants to conduct studies can be an excellent means of
59548 turning problems into gold -- your problems into their gold.
59550 Fools rush in where incumbents fear to tread.
59552 The process of competitively selecting contractors to perform work
59553 is based on a system of rewards and penalties, all distributed
59556 The weaker the data available upon which to base one's conclusion,
59557 the greater the precision which should be quoted in order to give
59558 the data authenticity.
59559 -- Norman Augustine
59562 The thickness of the proposal required to win a multimillion dollar
59563 contract is about one millimeter per million dollars. If all the
59564 proposals conforming to this standard were piled on top of each other
59565 at the bottom of the Grand Canyon it would probably be a good idea.
59567 Ninety percent of the time things will turn out worse than you expect.
59568 The other 10 percent of the time you had no right to expect so much.
59570 The early bird gets the worm.
59571 The early worm ... gets eaten.
59573 Never promise to complete any project within six months of the end of
59574 the year -- in either direction.
59576 Most projects start out slowly -- and then sort of taper off.
59577 -- Norman Augustine
59579 Ya know, Quaker Oats make you feel good twice!
59581 "Yacc" owes much to a most stimulating collection of users, who have
59582 goaded me beyond my inclination, and frequently beyond my ability in
59583 their endless search for "one more feature". Their irritating
59584 unwillingness to learn how to do things my way has usually led to my
59585 doing things their way; most of the time, they have been right.
59586 -- Stephen C. Johnson, "Yacc guide acknowledgements"
59588 Y'all hear about the geometer who went to the beach to catch some
59589 rays and became a tangent ?
59591 Yawd [noun, Bostonese]: the campus of Have Id.
59592 -- Webster's Unafraid Dictionary
59594 Yea from the table of my memory
59595 I'll wipe away all trivial fond records.
59598 Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of APL, I shall
59599 fear no evil, for I can string six primitive monadic and dyadic
59600 operators together.
59603 Yeah, but you're taking the universe out of context.
59605 Yeah, God is dead, he laughed himself to death.
59607 Yeah, if it looks like a duck, and walks like
59608 a duck, and quacks like a duck -- shoot it.
59610 Yeah, that's me, Tracer Bullet. I've got eight slugs in me. One's lead,
59611 the rest bourbon. The drink packs a wallop, and I pack a revolver. I'm
59615 Yeah, there are more important things in life than money,
59616 but they won't go out with you if you don't have any.
59618 Year Name James Bond Book
59619 ---- -------------------------------- -------------- ----
59620 50's James Bond TV Series Barry Nelson
59621 1962 Dr. No Sean Connery 1958
59622 1963 From Russia With Love Sean Connery 1957
59623 1964 Goldfinger Sean Connery 1959
59624 1965 Thunderball Sean Connery 1961
59625 1967* Casino Royale David Niven 1954
59626 1967 You Only Live Twice Sean Connery 1964
59627 1969 On Her Majesty's Secret Service George Lazenby 1963
59628 1971 Diamonds Are Forever Sean Connery 1956
59629 1973 Live And Let Die Roger Moore 1955
59630 1974 The Man With The Golden Gun Roger Moore 1965
59631 1977 The Spy Who Loved Me Roger Moore 1962 (novelette)
59632 1979 Moonraker Roger Moore 1955
59633 1981 For Your Eyes Only Roger Moore 1960 (novelette)
59634 1983 Octopussy Roger Moore 1965
59635 1983* Never Say Never Again Sean Connery
59636 1985 A View To A Kill Roger Moore 1960 (novelette)
59637 1987 The Living Daylights Timothy Dalton 1965 (novelette)
59638 * -- Not a Broccoli production
59641 A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments.
59642 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
59644 Yes, but every time I try to see things your way, I get a headache.
59646 Yes, but which self do you want to be?
59648 Yes, I've now got this nice little apartment in New York, one of those
59649 L-shaped ones. Unfortunately, it's a lower case l.
59652 Yes me, I got a bottle in front of me.
59653 And Jimmy has a frontal lobotomy.
59654 Just different ways to kill the pain the same.
59655 But I'd rather have a bottle in front of me,
59656 Than to have to have a frontal lobotomy.
59657 I might be drunk but at least I'm not insane.
59658 -- Randy Ansley M.D. (Dr. Rock)
59660 Yes, we will be going to OSI, Mars and, Pluto, but not necessarily in
59662 -- George Michaelson
59664 Yesterday I was a dog. Today I'm a dog. Tomorrow I'll probably still
59665 be a dog. Sigh! There's so little hope for advancement.
59668 Yesterday upon the stair
59669 I met a man who wasn't there.
59670 He wasn't there again today --
59671 I think he's from the CIA.
59673 Ye've also got to remember that ... respectable people do the most
59674 astonishin' things to preserve their respectability. Thank God
59675 I'm not respectable.
59676 -- Ruthven Campbell Todd
59678 Yevtushenko has... an ego that can crack crystal at a distance of twenty
59682 Yield to Temptation ... it may not pass your way again.
59683 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
59685 Yield to temptation; it may not pass your way again.
59688 A person who combs his hair over his bald spot, hoping no one
59690 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
59692 You ain't learning nothing when you're talking.
59694 You always have the option of pitching baseballs at empty
59695 spray paint cans in a cul-de-sac in a Cleveland suburb.
59697 You are a bundle of energy, always on the go.
59699 You are a fluke of the universe; you have no right to be here.
59701 You are a taxi driver. Your cab is yellow and black, and has been in
59702 use for only seven years. One of its windshield wipers is broken, and
59703 the carburetor needs adjusting. The tank holds 20 gallons, but at the
59704 moment is only three-quarters full. How old is the taxi driver?"
59706 You are a very redundant person, that's what kind of person you are.
59708 You are a wish to be here wishing yourself.
59711 You are absolute plate-glass. I see to the very back of your mind.
59714 You are always busy.
59716 You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.
59718 You are an insult to my intelligence!
59719 I demand that you log off immediately.
59721 You are as I am with You.
59723 You are capable of planning your future.
59725 You are confused; but this is your normal state.
59727 You are deeply attached to your friends and acquaintances.
59729 You are destined to become the commandant of the
59730 fighting men of the department of transportation.
59732 You are dishonest, but never to the point of hurting a friend.
59734 You are fairminded, just and loving.
59736 You are false data.
59738 You are farsighted, a good planner,
59739 an ardent lover, and a faithful friend.
59741 You are fighting for survival in your own sweet and gentle way.
59743 You are going to have a new love affair.
59754 But you're not all there.
59756 You are in a maze of little twisting passages, all alike.
59758 You are in a maze of little twisting passages, all different.
59760 You are in the hall of the mountain king.
59762 You are lost in the Swamps of Despair.
59764 You are loved by the multitudes.
59765 Have you been to the clinic lately?
59767 You are magnetic in your bearing.
59769 You are never given a wish without also being given the
59770 power to make it true. You may have to work for it, however.
59771 -- R. Bach, "Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for
59774 You are not a fool just because you have done
59775 something foolish -- only if the folly of it escapes you.
59777 You are not dead yet.
59778 But watch for further reports.
59780 You are not permitted to kill a woman who has wronged you, but nothing
59781 forbids you to reflect that she is growing older every minute. You are
59782 avenged fourteen hundred and forty times a day.
59785 You are now in Atlanta, Georgia.
59786 Please set your clocks back 200 years.
59788 You are number 6! Who is number one?
59790 "You are old, Father William," the young man said,
59791 "All your papers these days look the same;
59792 Those William's would be better unread --
59793 Do these facts never fill you with shame?"
59795 "In my youth," Father William replied to his son,
59796 "I wrote wonderful papers galore;
59797 But the great reputation I found that I'd won,
59798 Made it pointless to think any more."
59800 "You are old, father William," the young man said,
59801 "And your hair has become very white;
59802 And yet you incessantly stand on your head --
59803 Do you think, at your age, it is right?"
59805 "In my youth," father William replied to his son,
59806 "I feared it might injure the brain;
59807 But, now that I'm perfectly sure I have none,
59808 Why, I do it again and again."
59811 "You are old," said the youth, "and I'm told by my peers
59812 That your lectures bore people to death.
59813 Yet you talk at one hundred conventions per year --
59814 Don't you think that you should save your breath?"
59816 "I have answered three questions and that is enough,"
59817 Said his father, "Don't give yourself airs!
59818 Do you think I can listen all day to such stuff?
59819 Be off, or I'll kick you downstairs!"
59821 "You are old," said the youth, "and your jaws are too weak
59822 For anything tougher than suet;
59823 Yet you finished the goose, with the bones and the beak --
59824 Pray, how did you manage to do it?"
59826 "In my youth," said his father, "I took to the law,
59827 And argued each case with my wife;
59828 And the muscular strength which it gave to my jaw,
59829 Has lasted the rest of my life."
59832 "You are old," said the youth, "and your programs don't run,
59833 And there isn't one language you like;
59834 Yet of useful suggestions for help you have none --
59835 Have you thought about taking a hike?"
59837 "Since I never write programs," his father replied,
59838 "Every language looks equally bad;
59839 Yet the people keep paying to read all my books
59840 And don't realize that they've been had."
59842 "You are old," said the youth, "as I mentioned before,
59843 And have grown most uncommonly fat;
59844 Yet you turned a back-somersault in at the door --
59845 Pray what is the reason of that?"
59847 "In my youth," said the sage, as he shook his grey locks,
59848 "I kept all my limbs very supple
59849 By the use of this ointment -- one shilling the box --
59850 Allow me to sell you a couple?"
59853 "You are old," said the youth, "as I mentioned before,
59854 And make errors few people could bear;
59855 You complain about everyone's English but yours --
59856 Do you really think this is quite fair?"
59858 "I make lots of mistakes," Father William declared,
59859 "But my stature these days is so great
59860 That no critic can hurt me -- I've got them all scared,
59861 And to stop me it's now far too late."
59863 "You are old," said the youth, "one would hardly suppose
59864 That your eye was as steady as ever;
59865 Yet you balanced an eel on the end of your nose --
59866 What made you so awfully clever?"
59868 "I have answered three questions, and that is enough,"
59869 Said his father. "Don't give yourself airs!
59870 Do you think I can listen all day to such stuff?
59871 Be off, or I'll kick you down stairs!"
59874 You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.
59876 You are scrupulously honest, frank, and straightforward.
59877 Therefore you have few friends.
59879 You are sick, twisted and perverted.
59880 I like that in a person.
59882 You are so boring that when I see you my feet go to sleep.
59884 "You are *so* lovely."
59886 "Yes! And you take a compliment, too! I like that in a goddess."
59888 You are standing on my toes.
59890 You are taking yourself far too seriously.
59892 You are the only person to ever get this message.
59894 You are transported to a room where you are faced by a wizard who
59895 points to you and says, "Them's fighting words!" You immediately get
59896 attacked by all sorts of denizens of the museum: there is a cobra
59897 chewing on your leg, a troglodyte is bashing your brains out with a
59898 gold nugget, a crocodile is removing large chunks of flesh from you, a
59899 rhinoceros is goring you with his horn, a sabre-tooth cat is busy
59900 trying to disembowel you, you are being trampled by a large mammoth, a
59901 vampire is sucking you dry, a Tyrannosaurus Rex is sinking his six inch
59902 long fangs into various parts of your anatomy, a large bear is
59903 dismembering your body, a gargoyle is bouncing up and down on your
59904 head, a burly troll is tearing you limb from limb, several dire wolves
59905 are making mince meat out of your torso, and the wizard is about to
59906 transport you to the corner of Westwood and Broxton. Oh dear, you seem
59907 to have gotten yourself killed, as well.
59909 You scored 0 out of 250 possible points.
59910 That gives you a ranking of junior beginning adventurer.
59911 To achieve the next higher rating, you need to score 32 more points.
59913 You are wise, witty, and wonderful, but you spend too much time reading
59914 this sort of trash.
59916 You ask what a nice girl will do?
59917 She won't give an inch, but she won't say no.
59918 -- Marcus Valerius Martialis
59920 You attempt things that you do not even plan
59921 because of your extreme stupidity.
59925 "You boys lookin' for trouble?"
59926 "Sure. Whaddya got?"
59927 -- Marlon Brando, "The Wild Ones"
59929 You buttered your bread, now lie in it!
59931 You buy a judge by weight, like iron in a junk yard. A justice of the
59932 peace or a magistrate can be had for a five-dollar bill. In the
59933 municipal courts, he will cost you ten. In the circuit or superior
59934 courts, he wants fifteen. The state appellate courts or the state
59935 supreme court is on a par with the Federal courts. By the time a judge
59936 reaches such courts, he is middle-aged, thick around the middle, fat
59937 between the ears. He's heavy. You can't buy a Federal judge for less
59938 than a twenty-dollar bill.
59939 -- Jake "Greasy Thumb" Guzik
59941 You can always pick up your needle and move to another groove.
59944 You can always tell luck from ability by its duration.
59946 You can always tell the Christmas season is here when you start getting
59947 incredibly dense, tinfoil-and-ribbon- wrapped lumps in the mail.
59948 Fruitcakes make ideal gifts because the Postal Service has been unable
59949 to find a way to damage them. They last forever, largely because
59950 nobody ever eats them. In fact, many smart people save the fruitcakes
59951 they receive and send them back to the original givers the next year;
59952 some fruitcakes have been passed back and forth for hundreds of years.
59954 The easiest way to make a fruitcake is to buy a darkish cake, then
59955 pound some old, hard fruit into it with a mallet. Be sure to wear
59957 -- Dave Barry, "Simple, Homespun Gifts"
59959 You can always tell the people that are forging the new frontier.
59960 They're the ones with arrows sticking out of their backs.
59962 You can approach truth, but never capture it.
59963 Lies can be had 'round the corner.
59964 -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967)
59966 You can be replaced by this computer.
59968 You can bear anything if it isn't your own fault.
59969 -- Katharine Fullerton Gerould
59971 You can bring any calculator you like to the midterm, as long as it
59972 doesn't dim the lights when you turn it on.
59973 -- Hepler, Systems Design 182, University of Washington
59975 You can bring men from other parts of the world who are sane. And you
59976 know what happens? At the very moment they cross those mountains...
59977 they go mad. Instantaneously and automatically, at the very moment
59978 they cross the mountains into California, they go insane.
59981 You can build a throne out of bayonets, but you can't sit on it for very long.
59984 You can cage a swallow, can't you,
59985 but you can't swallow a cage, can you?
59986 Girl, bathing on Bikini, eyeing boy,
59987 finds boy eyeing bikini on bathing girl.
59988 A man, a plan, a canal -- Panama!
59989 -- The Palindromist
59991 You can create your own opportunities this week.
59992 Blackmail a senior executive.
59994 You can destroy your now by worrying about tomorrow.
59997 "You can do this in a number of ways. IBM chose to do all of them.
59998 Why do you find that funny?"
59999 -- D. Taylor, Computer Science 350
60001 You can do this in a number of ways. IBM chose to do all of them.
60002 Why do you find that funny?
60003 -- D. Taylor, Computer Science 350, University of Washington
60005 You can do very well in speculation where
60006 land or anything to do with dirt is concerned.
60008 You can drive a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.
60010 You can fool all the people all of the time if the advertising is right
60011 and the budget is big enough.
60012 -- Joseph E. Levine
60014 You can fool some of the people all of the time and all
60015 of the people some of the time, but you can never fool your Mom.
60017 You can fool some of the people all of the time,
60018 and all of the people some of the time,
60019 but you can make a fool of yourself anytime.
60021 You can fool some of the people some of the time,
60022 and some of the people all of the time, and that is sufficient.
60024 You can get *anywhere* in ten minutes if you drive fast enough.
60026 You can get everything in life you want,
60027 if you will help enough other people get what they want.
60029 You can get more of what you want with a kind word and a gun than you
60030 can with just a kind word.
60033 You can get much further with a kind word and a
60034 gun than you can with a kind word alone.
60036 [Also attributed to Johnny Carson. Ed.]
60038 You can get there from here, but why on earth would you want to?
60040 You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
60042 You can grovel with a lover, you can grovel with a friend,
60043 You can grovel with your boss, and it never has to end.
60045 (chorus) Grovel, grovel, grovel, every night and every day,
60046 Grovel, grovel, grovel, in your own peculiar way.
60048 You can grovel in a hallway, you can grovel in a park,
60049 You can grovel in an alley with a mugger after dark.
60052 You can grovel with your uncle, you can grovel with your aunt,
60053 You can grovel with your Apple, even though you say you can't.
60056 You can have a dog as a friend. You can have whiskey as a friend. But
60057 if you have a woman as a friend, you're going to wind up drunk and kissing
60061 You can have peace. Or you can have freedom.
60062 Don't ever count on having both at once.
60065 You can imagine my embarrassment when I killed the wrong guy.
60068 You can lead a horse to water, but if you can
60069 get him to float on his back, you've got something.
60071 You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have,
60073 -- Franklin P. Jones
60075 You can make it illegal, but you can't make it unpopular.
60077 You can measure a programmer's perspective by noting his attitude on
60078 the continuing viability of FORTRAN.
60081 You can move the world with an idea,
60082 but you have to think of it first.
60084 You can never do just one thing.
60087 You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the tracks.
60089 You can never trust a woman; she may be true to you.
60091 You can no more win a war than you can win an earthquake.
60092 -- Jeannette Rankin
60094 You can not get anything worthwhile done without raising a sweat.
60095 -- The First Law Of Thermodynamics
60097 What ever you want is going to cost a little more than it is worth.
60098 -- The Second Law Of Thermodynamics
60100 You can not win the game, and you are not allowed to stop playing.
60101 -- The Third Law Of Thermodynamics
60103 You can now buy more gates with less
60104 specifications than at any other time in history.
60107 You can observe a lot just by watching.
60110 You can only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.
60112 You can rent this space for only $5 a week.
60114 You can take all the impact that science considerations have on funding
60115 decisions at NASA, put them in the navel of a flea, and have room left
60116 over for a caraway seed and Tony Calio's heart.
60119 You can tell how far we have to go, when FORTRAN is the language of
60123 You can tell the ideals of a nation by its advertisements.
60126 You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish.
60128 You can write a small letter to Grandma in the filename.
60129 -- Forbes Burkowski, Computer Science 454,
60130 University of Washington
60132 You canna change the laws of physics, Captain;
60133 I've got to have thirty minutes!
60135 You cannot achieve the impossible without attempting the absurd.
60137 You cannot choose your battlefield, the gods do that for you.
60138 But you can plant a standard where a standard never flew.
60141 You cannot have a science without measurement.
60144 You cannot kill time without injuring eternity.
60146 You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back.
60148 You cannot see the wood for the trees.
60151 You cannot shake hands with a clenched fist.
60154 You cannot use your friends and have them too.
60156 You can't break eggs without making an omelet.
60158 You can't carve your way to success without cutting remarks.
60160 You can't cheat an honest man, never give
60161 a sucker an even break or smarten up a chump.
60164 You can't cheat the phone company.
60166 You can't cross a large chasm in two small jumps.
60168 You can't depend on the man who made the mess to clean it up.
60169 -- Richard Nixon, 1952
60171 You can't erase a dream, you can only wake me up.
60174 You can't expect a boy to be vicious till he's been to a good school.
60177 "You can't expect a mother to be with a small child all the time",
60178 Margaret Mead once remarked, with her usual good sense, but in 1978
60179 she shocked feminists by snapping that women don't really have
60180 children to put them in day care twelve hours a day, either.
60181 -- Caroline Bird, "The Two Paycheck Marriage"
60183 You can't fall off the floor.
60185 You can't get there from here.
60187 You can't go home again, unless you set $HOME.
60189 You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
60192 You can't have your cake and let your neighbor eat it too.
60195 You can't hold a man down without staying down with him.
60196 -- Booker T. Washington
60198 You can't hug a child with nuclear arms.
60200 You can't judge a book by the way it wears its hair.
60202 You can't kiss a girl unexpectedly --
60203 only sooner than she thought you would.
60205 You can't learn too soon that the most useful thing about a principle
60206 is that it can always be sacrificed to expediency.
60207 -- W. Somerset Maugham, "The Circle"
60209 "You can't make a program without broken egos."
60211 You can't mend a wristwatch while falling from an airplane.
60213 You can't play your friends like marks, kid.
60214 -- Henry Gondorf, "The Sting"
60216 You can't push on a string.
60218 You can't run away forever,
60219 But there's nothing wrong with getting a good head start.
60220 -- Jim Steinman, "Rock and Roll Dreams Come Through"
60222 You can't say civilization don't advance... in every war they kill you a
60226 You can't start worrying about what's going to happen. You get spastic
60227 enough worrying about what's happening now.
60230 "You can't survive by sucking the juice from a wet mitten."
60231 -- Charles Schulz, "Things I've Had to Learn Over and
60234 You can't take damsel here now.
60236 You can't take it with you --
60237 especially when crossing a state line.
60239 "You can't teach people to be lazy - either they have it, or they don't."
60240 -- Dagwood Bumstead
60242 You can't underestimate the power of fear.
60243 -- Tricia Nixon Cox
60245 You climb to reach the summit, but once
60246 there, discover that all roads lead down.
60247 -- Stanislaw Lem, "The Cyberiad"
60249 You could get a new lease on life -- if only you didn't need the first
60250 and last month in advance.
60252 You could live a better life, if you
60253 had a better mind and a better body.
60255 You couldn't even prove the White House staff sane beyond a reasonable
60257 -- Ed Meese, on the Hinckley verdict
60259 You definitely intend to start living sometime soon.
60263 You display the wonderful traits of charm and courtesy.
60265 You do not have mail.
60267 You don't become a failure until you're satisfied with being one.
60269 You don't have to be nice to people on the way up
60270 if you're not planning on coming back down.
60271 -- Oliver Warbucks, "Annie"
60273 You don't have to explain something you never said.
60276 You don't have to know how the computer
60277 works, just how to work the computer.
60279 You don't have to think too hard when you talk to teachers.
60282 You don't move to Edina, you achieve Edina.
60285 You don't sew with a fork, so I see no reason to eat with knitting
60287 -- Miss Piggy, on eating Chinese Food
60289 You enjoy the company of other people.
60291 You feel a whole lot more like you do
60292 now than you did when you used to.
60294 You fill a much-needed gap.
60296 You first have to decide whether to use the short or the long form.
60297 The short form is what the Internal Revenue Service calls "simplified",
60298 which means it is designed for people who need the help of a Sears
60299 tax-preparation expert to distinguish between their first and last
60300 names. Here's the complete text:
60302 "(1) How much did you make? (AMOUNT)
60303 "(2) How much did we here at the government take out? (AMOUNT)
60304 "(3) Hey! Sounds like we took too much! So we're going to
60305 send an official government check for (ONE-FIFTEENTH OF
60306 THE AMOUNT WE TOOK) directly to the (YOUR LAST NAME)
60307 household at (YOUR ADDRESS), for you to spend in any way
60308 you please! Which just goes to show you, (YOUR FIRST
60309 NAME), that it pays to file the short form!"
60311 The IRS wants you to use this form because it gets to keep most of your
60312 money. So unless you have pond silt for brains, you want the long
60314 -- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes"
60316 You first parent of the human race... who ruined yourself for an apple,
60317 what might you have done for a truffled turkey?
60318 -- Brillat-Savarin, "Physiologie du go^
\but"
60320 You get along very well with everyone except animals and people.
60322 You get what you pay for.
60325 You give me space to belong to myself yet without separating me
60326 from your own life. May it all turn out to your happiness.
60329 You go down to the pickup station,
60330 craving warmth and beauty;
60331 You settle for less than fascination --
60332 a few drinks later you're not so choosy.
60333 And the closing lights strip off the shadows
60334 on this strange new flesh you've found --
60335 Clutching the night to you like a fig leaf
60336 you hurry to the blackness
60337 and the blankets to lay down an impression
60338 and your loneliness.
60341 You got to be very careful if you don't know
60342 where you're going, because you might not get there.
60345 You got to pay your dues if you want to sing the blues,
60346 And you know it don't come easy ...
60347 I don't ask for much, I only want trust,
60348 And you know it don't come easy ...
60350 You guys have been practicing discrimination for years.
60352 -- Thurgood Marshall, quoted by Justice Douglas
60354 You had mail, but the super-user read it, and deleted it!
60357 Paul read it, so ask him what it said.
60359 You had some happiness once,
60360 but your parents moved away, and you had to leave it behind.
60362 You have a deep appreciation of the arts and music.
60364 You have a deep interest in all that is artistic.
60366 You have a massage (from the Swedish prime minister).
60368 You have a message from the operator.
60370 You have a reputation for being thoroughly reliable and trustworthy.
60371 A pity that it's totally undeserved.
60373 You have a strong appeal for members of the opposite sex.
60375 You have a strong appeal for members of your own sex.
60377 You have a strong desire for a home
60378 and your family interests come first.
60380 You have a tendency to feel you are superior to most computers.
60382 You have a truly strong individuality.
60384 You have a will that can be influenced
60385 by all with whom you come in contact.
60387 You have acquired a scroll entitled 'irk gleknow mizk'(n).--More--
60389 This is an IBM Manual scroll.--More--
60391 You are permanently confused.
60394 You have all eternity to be cautious in when you're dead.
60397 You have all the characteristics of a popular politician:
60398 a horrible voice, bad breeding, and a vulgar manner.
60401 You have an ability to sense and know higher truth.
60403 You have an ambitious nature and may make a name for yourself.
60405 You have an unusual equipment for success.
60406 Be sure to use it properly.
60408 You have an unusual magnetic personality. Don't walk too close to
60409 metal objects which are not fastened down.
60411 You have an unusual understanding of
60412 the problems of human relationships.
60414 You have been in Afghanistan, I perceive.
60415 -- Sherlock Holmes, "A Study in Scarlet"
60417 You have been selected for a secret mission.
60419 You have Egyptian flu: you're going to be a mummy.
60421 You have had a long-term stimulation relative to business.
60423 You have junk mail.
60425 You have literary talent that you should take pains to develop.
60429 You have many friends and very few living enemies.
60431 You have no real enemies.
60433 You have not converted a man because you have silenced him.
60434 -- John Viscount Morley
60436 You have only to mumble a few words in church to get married
60437 and few words in your sleep to get divorced.
60439 You have taken yourself too seriously.
60441 You have the body of a 19 year old. Please return it before it gets
60444 You have the capacity to learn from mistakes. You'll learn a lot
60447 You have the power to influence all with whom you come in contact.
60449 You have to run as fast as you can just to stay where you are.
60450 If you want to get anywhere, you'll have to run much faster.
60453 You humans are all alike.
60455 You just know when a relationship is about to end. My girlfriend called me
60456 at work and asked me how you change a lightbulb in the bathroom. "It's very
60457 simple," I said. "You start by filling up the bathtub with water..."
60459 You just wait, I'll sin till I blow up!
60462 You k'n hide de fier, but w'at you gwine do wid de smoke?
60463 -- Joel Chandler Harris, proverbs of Uncle Remus
60465 You knew the job was dangerous when you took it, Fred.
60468 You know, Callahan's is a peaceable bar, but if
60469 you ask that dog what his favorite formatter is,
60470 and he says "roff! roff!", well, I'll just have to...
60472 You know how to win a victory, Hannibal, but not how to use it.
60475 You know if they ever find a way to harness sarcasm as an energy source,
60476 you people are all going to owe me big.
60479 You know it's going to be a bad day when you want to put on the clothes
60480 you wore home from the party and there aren't any.
60482 You know it's going to be a long day when you get up, shave and shower,
60483 start to get dressed and your shoes are still warm.
60486 You know it's Monday when you wake up and it's Tuesday.
60489 You know my heart keeps tellin' me,
60490 You're not a kid at thirty-three,
60491 You play around you lose your wife,
60492 You play too long, you lose your life.
60493 Some gotta win, some gotta lose,
60494 Goodtime Charlie's got the blues.
60496 You know, of course, that the Tasmanians, who never committed adultery,
60498 -- W. Somerset Maugham
60500 You know that feeling you get when you are tipping your chair back and you
60501 almost go crashing back on the floor but you just catch yourself? I feel
60502 like that all the time.
60505 You know, the difference between this company and
60506 the Titanic is that the Titanic had paying customers.
60508 You know the great thing about TV? If something important happens
60509 anywhere at all in the world, no matter what time of the day or night,
60510 you can always change the channel.
60513 You know very well that whether you are on page one or page thirty depends
60514 on whether [the press] fear you. It is just as simple as that.
60517 You know what I wish? I wish all the scum of the Earth had one throat
60518 and I had my hands about it.
60519 -- Rorschach, "Watchmen"
60521 You know what they say -- the sweetest word in the English language
60525 You know what we can be like: See a guy and think he's cute one minute, the
60526 next minute our brains have us married with kids, the following minute we see
60527 him having an extramarital affair. By the time someone says "I'd like you to
60528 meet Cecil," we shout, "You're late again with the child support!"
60529 -- Cynthia Heimel, "A Girl's Guide to Chaos"
60531 You know you are getting old when you think you should drive the speed limit.
60534 You know you have a small apartment when Rice Krispies echo.
60535 -- S. Rickly Christian
60537 You know your apartment is small...
60538 when you can't know its position and velocity at the same time.
60539 you put your key in the lock and it breaks the window.
60540 you have to go outside to change your mind.
60541 you can vacuum the entire place using a single electrical outlet.
60543 You know you're a little fat if you have stretch marks on your car.
60544 -- Cyrus, Chicago Reader 1/22/82
60546 You know you're getting old when you're Dad, and you're measuring your
60547 daughter for camp clothes, and there are certain measurements only her
60548 mother is allowed to take.
60550 You know you're in a small town when...
60551 You don't use turn signals because everybody knows where you're going.
60552 You're born on June 13 and your family receives gifts from the local
60553 merchants because you're the first baby of the year.
60554 Everyone knows whose credit is good, and whose wife isn't.
60555 You speak to each dog you pass, by name... and he wags his tail.
60556 You dial the wrong number, and talk for 15 minutes anyway.
60557 You write a check on the wrong bank and it covers you anyway.
60559 You know you're in trouble when...
60560 1) You wake up face down on the pavement.
60561 2) Your wife wakes up feeling amorous and you have a headache.
60562 3) You turn on the news and they're showing emergency routes
60564 4) Your twin sister forgot your birthday.
60565 5) You wake up and discover your waterbed broke and then
60566 remember that you don't have a waterbed.
60567 6) Your doctor tells you you're allergic to chocolate.
60569 You know you're in trouble when...
60570 1) Your car horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you
60571 follow a group of Hell's Angels on the freeway.
60572 2) You want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party
60573 and there aren't any.
60574 3) Your boss tells you not to bother to take off your coat.
60575 4) The bird singing outside your window is a buzzard.
60576 5) You wake up and your braces are locked together.
60577 6) Your mother approves of the person you're dating.
60579 You know you're in trouble when...
60580 (1) Your only son tells you he wishes Anita Bryant would mind
60582 (2) You put your bra on backwards and it fits better.
60583 (3) You call Suicide Prevention and they put you on hold.
60584 (4) You see a `60 Minutes' news team waiting in your office.
60585 (5) Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.
60586 (6) Your 4-year old reveals that it's "almost impossible" to
60587 flush a grapefruit down the toilet.
60588 (7) You realize that you've memorized the back of the cereal box.
60590 You know you're in trouble when...
60591 (1) You've been at work for an hour before you notice that your
60592 skirt is caught in your pantyhose.
60593 (2) Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife.
60594 (3) Your income tax check bounces.
60595 (4) You put both contact lenses in the same eye.
60596 (5) Your wife says, "Good morning, Bill" and your name is George.
60597 (6) You wake up to the soothing sound of flowing water... the day
60598 after you bought a waterbed.
60599 (7) You go on your honeymoon to a remote little hotel and the desk
60600 clerk, bell hop, and manager have a "Welcome Back" party
60603 You know you've been sitting in front of your Lisp machine too long
60604 when you go out to the junk food machine and start wondering how to
60605 make it give you the CADR of Item H so you can get that yummie
60606 chocolate cupcake that's stuck behind the disgusting vanilla one.
60608 You know you've been spending too much time on the computer when your
60609 friend misdates a check, and you suggest adding a "++" to fix it.
60611 You know you've landed gear-up when it takes full power to taxi.
60613 You learn to write as if to someone else
60614 because NEXT YEAR YOU WILL BE "SOMEONE ELSE".
60616 You like to form new friendships and make new acquaintances.
60618 You lived with a man who wore white belts?
60619 Laura, I'm disappointed in you.
60620 -- Remington Steele
60622 You look like a million dollars. All green and wrinkled.
60628 You love your home and want it to be beautiful.
60630 You may already be a loser.
60631 -- Form letter received by Rodney Dangerfield
60633 You may be gone tomorrow, but that
60634 doesn't mean that you weren't here today.
60636 You may be infinitely smaller than some things,
60637 but you're infinitely larger than others.
60639 You may be recognized soon. Hide.
60641 You may be right, I may be crazy,
60642 But maybe it's a lunatic you're looking for?
60645 You may be sure that when a man begins to call himself a "realist," he
60646 is preparing to do something he is secretly ashamed of doing.
60649 You may carve it on his tombstone, you may cut it on his card
60650 That a young man married is a young man marred.
60651 -- Rudyard Kipling, "The Story of the Gadsbys"
60653 You may easily play a joke on a man who likes to argue -- agree with
60657 You may get an opportunity for advancement today. Watch it!
60659 You may have heard that a dean is to faculty as a hydrant is to a dog.
60662 You may my glories and my state dispose,
60663 But not my griefs; still am I king of those.
60664 -- William Shakespeare, "Richard II"
60666 You may not be able to judge a book by its cover, but
60667 you sure as hell can tell how much it's going to cost.
60669 You may worry about your hair-do today, but tomorrow much peanut butter will
60672 You mean you didn't *know* she was off
60673 making lots of little phone companies?
60675 You men out there probably think you already know how to dress for
60676 success. You know, for example, that you should not wear leisure suits
60677 or white plastic belts and shoes, unless you are going to a costume
60678 party disguised as a pig farmer vacationing at Disney World.
60679 -- Dave Barry, "How to Dress for Real Success"
60681 You mentioned your name as if I should recognize it, but beyond the
60682 obvious facts that you are a bachelor, a solicitor, a freemason, and
60683 an asthmatic, I know nothing whatever about you.
60684 -- Sherlock Holmes, "The Norwood Builder"
60686 You might have mail.
60688 You might like to know that I looked at a detailed map of NT, and I'm
60689 now able to confirm that in all probability Microsoft NT does not
60690 exist. If it does, it's so small as to be completely insignificant.
60693 You must dine in our cafeteria.
60694 You can eat dirt cheap there!!!!
60696 You must include all income you receive in the form of money, property
60697 and services if it is not specifically exempt. Report property (goods)
60698 and services at their fair market values. Examples include income from
60699 bartering or swapping transactions, side commissions, kickbacks, rent
60700 paid in services, illegal activities (such as stealing, drugs, etc.),
60701 cash skimming by proprietors and tradesmen, "moonlighting" services,
60702 gambling, prizes and awards. Not reporting such income can lead to
60703 prosecution for perjury and fraud.
60704 -- Excerpt from Taxachussettes income tax forms
60706 You must know that a man can have only one invulnerable loyalty, loyalty
60707 to his own concept of the obligations of manhood. All other loyalties
60708 are merely deputies of that one.
60711 You must realize that the computer has it in for you. The irrefutable
60712 proof of this is that the computer always does what you tell it to do.
60714 You need more time; and you probably always will.
60716 You need no longer worry about the future. This time tomorrow you'll
60719 You need not worry about your future.
60721 You need only reflect that one of the best ways to get yourself a
60722 reputation as a dangerous citizen these days is to go about repeating
60723 the very phrases which our founding fathers used in the struggle for
60725 -- Charles A. Beard
60727 You never gain something but that you lose something.
60730 You never get a second chance to make a first impression.
60732 You never go anywhere without your soul.
60734 You never have to change anything you
60735 got up in the middle of the night to write.
60738 You never have to figure out what to get for children, because they will
60739 tell you exactly what they want. They spend months and months researching
60740 these kinds of things by watching Saturday- morning cartoon-show
60741 advertisements. Make sure you get your children exactly what they ask for,
60742 even if you disapprove of their choices. If your child thinks he wants
60743 Murderous Bob, the Doll with the Face You Can Rip Right Off, you'd better
60744 get it. You may be worried that it might help to encourage your child's
60745 antisocial tendencies, but believe me, you have not seen antisocial tendencies
60746 until you've seen a child who is convinced that he or she did not get the
60748 -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
60750 You never hesitate to tackle the most difficult problems.
60752 You never know how many friends you have until you rent a house on the
60755 You never know what is enough until you know what is more than enough.
60758 You never learned anything by doing it right.
60760 You never realize how many friends you
60761 have until you rent a house at the beach.
60763 You notice that after Ginzburg admitted he had tried marijuana everyone
60764 got in line to admit it, too. But you also notice they all said they
60765 "experimented" with marijuana. The didn't "use" it; they "experimented"
60766 with it. Let me tell you something -- Jonas Salk "experiments"; these
60767 guys were getting stoned!
60770 You now have Asian Flu.
60772 You or I must yield up his life to Ahrimanes. I would rather it were
60773 you. I should have no hesitation in sacrificing my own life to spare
60774 yours, but we take stock next week, and it would not be fair on the
60776 -- J. Wellington Wells
60778 You own a dog, but you can only feed a cat.
60780 You plan things that you do not even
60781 attempt because of your extreme caution.
60783 You possess a mind not merely twisted, but actually sprained.
60785 You prefer the company of the opposite
60786 sex, but are well liked by your own.
60788 You probably wouldn't worry about what people think of you if you could
60789 know how seldom they do.
60792 You recoil from the crude; you tend naturally toward the exquisite.
60794 You roll my log, and I will roll yours.
60795 -- Lucius Annaeus Seneca
60803 Let's go be the Vice President...
60805 You scratch my tape, and I'll scratch yours.
60807 You see, I consider that a man's brain originally is like a little empty
60808 attic, and you have to stock it with such furniture as you choose. A fool
60809 takes in all the lumber of every sort he comes across, so that the knowledge
60810 which might be useful to him gets crowded out, or at best is jumbled up with
60811 alot of other things, so that he has difficulty in laying his hands upon it.
60812 Now the skillful workman is very careful indeed as to what he takes into his
60813 brain-attic. He will have nothing but the tools which may help him in doing
60814 his work, but of these he has a large assortment, and all in the most perfect
60815 order. It is a mistake to think that that little room has elastic walls and
60816 can distend to any extent. Depend upon it there comes a time when for every
60817 addition of knowledge you forget something that you knew before. It is of
60818 the highest importance, therefore, not to have useless facts elbowing out
60822 You see things; and you say "Why?"
60823 But I dream things that never were; and I say "Why not?"
60824 -- George Bernard Shaw, "Back to Methuselah"
60825 [No, it wasn't John F. Kennedy. Ed.]
60827 You see, wire telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull
60828 his tail in New York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you
60829 understand this? And radio operates exactly the same way: you send
60830 signals here, they receive them there. The only difference is that
60832 -- Albert Einstein, when asked to describe radio
60834 You seek to shield those you love
60835 and you like the role of the provider.
60837 You shall be rewarded for a dastardly deed.
60839 You shall judge of a man by his foes as well as by his friends.
60842 You should avoid hedging, at least that's what I think.
60844 You should emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially
60847 You should go home.
60849 You should make a point of trying every experience once -- except
60850 incest and folk-dancing.
60851 -- A. Bax, "Farewell My Youth"
60853 You should never bet against anything in science at odds of more than
60855 -- Ernest Rutherford
60857 You should never ride in an airplane with a sports team,
60858 because if the plane goes down, it's you they're gonna eat!
60859 -- Gordon Downie, singer for Tragically Hip
60861 You should never wear your best trousers when you go out to fight for
60862 freedom and liberty.
60865 You should not use your fireplace, because scientists now believe that,
60866 contrary to popular opinion, fireplaces actually remove heat from
60867 houses. Really, that's what scientists believe. In fact many
60868 scientists actually use their fireplaces to cool their houses in the
60869 summer. If you visit a scientist's house on a sultry August day,
60870 you'll find a cheerful fire roaring on the hearth and the scientist
60871 sitting nearby, remarking on how cool he is and drinking heavily.
60872 -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler"
60874 You should tip the waiter $10, minus $2 if he tells you his name,
60875 another $2 if he claims it will be His Pleasure to serve you and
60876 another $2 for each "special" he describes involving confusing terms
60877 such as "shallots," and $4 if the menu contains the word "fixin's." In
60878 many restaurants, this means the waiter will actually owe you money.
60879 If you are traveling with a child aged six months to three years, you
60880 should leave an additional amount equal to twice the bill to compensate
60881 for the fact that they will have to take the banquette out and burn it
60882 because the cracks are wedged solid with gobbets made of partially
60883 chewed former restaurant rolls saturated with baby spit.
60885 In New York, tip the taxicab driver $40 if he does not mention his
60887 -- Dave Barry, "The Stuff of Etiquette"
60889 You should, without hesitation, pound your typewriter into a
60890 plowshare, your paper into fertilizer, and enter agriculture.
60891 -- Business Professor, University of Georgia
60893 You shouldn't have to pay for your love with your bones and your flesh.
60894 -- Pat Benatar, "Hell is for Children"
60896 You shouldn't wallow in self-pity. But it's OK to put
60897 your feet in it and swish them around a little.
60900 You single-handedly fought your way into this hopeless mess.
60902 You teach best what you most need to learn.
60904 You think Oedipus had a problem -- Adam was Eve's mother.
60906 YOU TOO CAN MAKE BIG MONEY IN THE EXCITING FIELD OF PAPER SHUFFLING!
60908 Mr. Smith of Muddle, Mass. says: "Before I took this course I used to be
60909 a lowly bit twiddler. Now with what I learned at MIT Tech I feel really
60910 important and can obfuscate and confuse with the best."
60912 Mr. Watkins had this to say: "Ten short days ago all I could look forward
60913 to was a dead-end job as an engineer. Now I have a promising future and
60914 make really big Zorkmids."
60916 MIT Tech can't promise these fantastic results to everyone, but when
60917 you earn your MDL degree from MIT Tech your future will be brighter.
60919 SEND FOR OUR FREE BROCHURE TODAY!
60921 You too can wear a nose mitten.
60923 You tread upon my patience.
60924 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV"
60926 You two ought to be more careful--
60927 your love could drag on for years and years.
60929 You want to know why I kept getting promoted?
60930 Because my mouth knows more than my brain.
60933 You will always find something in the last place you look.
60935 You will always get the greatest recognition for the job you least like.
60937 You will always have good luck in your personal affairs.
60939 You will attract cultured and artistic people to your home.
60941 You will be a winner today. Pick a fight with a four-year-old.
60943 You will be advanced socially,
60944 without any special effort on your part.
60946 You will be aided greatly by a person
60947 whom you thought to be unimportant.
60949 You will be attacked by a beast who has the body of a wolf, the tail of
60950 a lion, and the face of Donald Duck.
60952 You will be audited by the Internal Revenue Service.
60954 You will be awarded a medal for disregarding safety in saving someone.
60956 You will be awarded some great honor.
60958 You will be awarded the Nobel Peace Prize... posthumously.
60960 You will be called upon to help a friend in trouble.
60962 You will be dead within a year.
60964 You will be divorced within a year.
60966 You will be given a post of trust and responsibility.
60968 You will be held hostage by a radical group.
60970 You will be honored for contributing
60971 your time and skill to a worthy cause.
60973 You will be imprisoned for contributing
60974 your time and skill to a bank robbery.
60976 You will be married within a year.
60978 You will be married within a year, and divorced within two.
60980 You will be misunderstood by everyone.
60982 You will be recognized and honored as a community leader.
60984 You will be reincarnated as a toad; and you will be much happier.
60986 You will be run over by a beer truck.
60988 You will be run over by a bus.
60990 You will be singled out for promotion in your work.
60992 You will be successful in love.
60994 You will be surprised by a loud noise.
60996 You will be surrounded by luxury.
60998 You will be the last person to buy a Chrysler.
61000 You will be the victim of a bizarre joke.
61002 You will be Told about it Tomorrow. Go Home and Prepare Thyself.
61004 You will be traveling and coming into a fortune.
61006 You will be winged by an anti-aircraft battery.
61008 You will become rich and famous unless you don't.
61010 You will contract a rare disease.
61012 You will engage in a profitable business activity.
61014 You will experience a strong urge to do good; but it will pass.
61016 You will feel hungry again in another hour.
61018 You will find me drinking gin
61019 In the lowest kind of inn,
61020 Because I am a rigid Vegetarian.
61021 -- G. K. Chesterton
61023 You will forget that you ever knew me.
61025 You will gain money by a fattening action.
61027 You will gain money by a speculation or lottery.
61029 You will gain money by an illegal action.
61031 You will gain money by an immoral action.
61033 You will get what you deserve.
61035 You will give someone a piece of your mind, which you can ill afford.
61037 You will have a head crash on your private pack.
61039 You will have a long and boring life.
61041 You will have a long and unpleasant discussion with your supervisor.
61043 You will have domestic happiness and faithful friends.
61045 You will have good luck and overcome many hardships.
61047 You will have long and healthy life.
61049 You will have many recoverable tape errors.
61051 You will hear good news from one you thought unfriendly to you.
61053 You will inherit millions of dollars.
61055 You will inherit some money or a small piece of land.
61057 You will live a long, healthy, happy life and make bags of money.
61059 You will live to see your grandchildren.
61061 You will lose an important disk file.
61063 You will lose an important tape file.
61065 You will lose your present job and have to become a door to door
61066 mayonnaise salesman.
61068 You will meet an important person who will help you advance professionally.
61070 You will never amount to much.
61071 -- Munich Schoolmaster, to Albert Einstein, age 10
61073 You will never know hunger.
61075 You will not be elected to public office this year.
61077 You will obey or molten silver will be poured into your ears.
61079 You will outgrow your usefulness.
61081 You will overcome the attacks of jealous associates.
61083 You will pass away very quickly.
61085 You will pay for your sins.
61086 If you have already paid, please disregard this message.
61088 You will pioneer the first Martian colony.
61090 You will probably marry after a very brief courtship.
61092 You will reach the highest possible point in your business or profession.
61094 You will receive a legacy which will place you above want.
61096 You will remember something that you should not have forgotten.
61098 You will soon forget this.
61100 You will soon meet a person who will play an important role in your life.
61102 You will step on the night soil of many countries.
61104 You will stop at nothing to reach your objective,
61105 but only because your brakes are defective.
61107 You will think of something funnier than this to add to the fortunes.
61109 You will triumph over your enemy.
61111 You will visit the Dung Pits of Glive soon.
61113 You will win success in whatever calling you adopt.
61115 You will wish you hadn't.
61117 You won't skid if you stay in a rut.
61120 You work very hard. Don't try to think as well.
61122 You worry too much about your job. Stop it. You're not paid enough to
61125 "You would do well not to imagine profundity," he said. "Anything that seems
61126 of momentous occasion should be dwelt upon as though it were of slight note.
61127 Conversely, trivialities must be attended to with the greatest of care.
61128 Because death is momentous, give it no thought; because victory is important,
61129 give it no thought; because the method of achievement and discovery is less
61130 momentous than the effect, dwell always upon the method. You will strengthen
61131 yourself in this way."
61132 -- Jessica Salmonson, "The Swordswoman"
61134 You would if you could but you can't so you won't.
61136 You'd best be snoozin', 'cause you don't
61137 be gettin' no work done at 5 a.m. anyway.
61138 -- From the wall of the Wurster Hall stairwell
61140 You'd better beat it. You can leave in a taxi. If you can't get a
61141 taxi, you can leave in a huff. If that's too soon, you can leave in a
61145 You'd better smile when they watch you, smile like you're in control.
61146 -- Smile, "Was (Not Was)"
61148 You'd like to do it instantaneously, but that's too slow.
61151 What you always were,
61152 Which has nothing to do with,
61153 All to do, with her.
61156 You'll be called to a post requiring
61157 ability in handling groups of people.
61161 You'll feel devilish tonight.
61162 Toss dynamite caps under a flamenco dancer's heel.
61164 You'll feel much better once you've given up hope.
61166 You'll never be the man your mother was!
61168 You'll never see all the places, or read all the
61169 books, but fortunately, they're not all recommended.
61171 You'll wish that you had done some of the
61172 hard things when they were easier to do.
61174 Young men are fitter to invent than to judge; fitter for execution than for
61175 counsel; and fitter for new projects than for settled business. For the
61176 experience of age, in things that fall within the compass of it, directeth
61177 them; but in new things, abuseth them. The errors of young men are the ruin
61178 of business; but the errors of aged men amount but to this, that more might
61179 have been done, or sooner. Young men, in the conduct and management of
61180 actions, embrace more than they can hold; stir more than they can quiet; fly
61181 to the end, without consideration of the means and degrees; pursue some few
61182 principles which they have chanced upon absurdly; care not how they innovate,
61183 which draws unknown inconveniences; and, that which doubleth all errors, will
61184 not acknowledge or retract them; like an unready horse, that will neither stop
61185 nor turn. Men of age object too much, consult too long, adventure too little,
61186 repent too soon, and seldom drive business home to the full period, but
61187 content themselves with a mediocrity of success. Certainly, it is good to
61188 compound employments of both ... because the virtues of either age may correct
61189 the defects of both.
61190 -- Francis Bacon, "Essay on Youth and Age"
61192 Young men, hear an old man to whom
61193 old men hearkened when he was young.
61196 Young men think old men are fools;
61197 but old men know young men are fools.
61200 Your aim is high and to the right.
61202 Your aims are high, and you are capable of much.
61204 Your analyst has you mixed up with another patient. Don't believe a
61205 thing he tells you.
61207 Your best consolation is the hope that the things
61208 you failed to get weren't really worth having.
61210 Your boss climbed the corporate ladder, wrong by wrong.
61212 Your boss is a few sandwiches short of a picnic.
61214 Your boyfriend takes chocolate from strangers.
61216 Your business will assume vast proportions.
61218 Your business will go through a period of considerable expansion.
61220 Your code should be more efficient!
61222 Your computer account is overdrawn. Please reauthorize.
61224 Your computer account is overdrawn. Please see Big Brother.
61226 Your conscience never stops you from doing anything. It just stops you
61229 Your Co-worker Could Be a Space Alien, Say Experts
61230 ...Here's How You Can Tell
61231 Many Americans work side by side with space aliens who look human -- but you
61232 can spot these visitors by looking for certain tip-offs, say experts. They
61233 listed 10 signs to watch for:
61234 #3. Bizarre sense of humor. Space aliens who don't understand
61235 earthly humor may laugh during a company training film or tell
61236 jokes that no one understands, said Steiger.
61237 #6. Misuses everyday items. "A space alien may use correction
61238 fluid to paint its nails," said Steiger.
61239 #8. Secretive about personal life-style and home. "An alien won't
61240 discuss details or talk about what it does at night or on weekends."
61241 #10. Displays a change of mood or physical reaction when near certain
61242 high-tech hardware. "An alien may experience a mood change when
61243 a microwave oven is turned on," said Steiger.
61244 The experts pointed out that a co-worker would have to display most if not
61245 all of these traits before you can positively identify him as a space alien.
61246 -- National Enquirer, Michael Cassels, August, 1984
61248 [I thought everybody laughed at company training films. Ed.]
61250 Your depth of comprehension may tend to make you lax in worldly ways.
61252 Your digestive system is your body's Fun House, whereby food goes on a long,
61253 dark, scary ride, taking all kinds of unexpected twists and turns, being
61254 attacked by vicious secretions along the way, and not knowing until the last
61255 minute whether it will be turned into a useful body part or ejected into the
61256 Dark Hole by Mister Sphincter. We Americans live in a nation where the
61257 medical-care system is second to none in the world, unless you count maybe
61258 25 or 30 little scuzzball countries like Scotland that we could vaporize in
61259 seconds if we felt like it.
61260 -- Dave Barry, "Stay Fit & Healthy Until You're Dead"
61262 Your domestic life may be harmonious.
61264 Your education begins where what is called your education is over.
61266 Your fault: core dumped
61268 Your files are now being encrypted and thrown into the bit bucket.
61271 Your fly might be open (but don't check it just now).
61276 AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18)
61277 You have nothing better to think about than what to wear and what
61278 type of champagne to take to the neighbors Halloween Party. Just take beer!
61279 Don't try to copy the "Joneses", pull them up to your level and remember, in
61280 California Halloween is redundant anyhow.
61282 PISCES (Feb. 19 - March 20)
61283 Focus on strengthening friendships this Fall. You find others are
61284 fascinated by your intelligence, your wit, your drinking ability, and your
61285 bank account. Just make sure you realize it's far more impressive when
61286 other discover your good qualities without your help.
61291 ARIES (March 21 - April 19)
61292 Matters are not good, where your health is concerned. This Fall, be
61293 sure to "walk groundly, talk profoundly, drink roundly, and sleep soundly"
61294 and you will live all the days of your life.
61296 TAURUS (April 20 - May 20)
61297 You spent a fortune on beer this past summer and now find yourself
61298 in a deep depression because you can't afford even one of your favorite
61299 brewskis. Don't fret too much, Taurus. To get back on your feet simply
61300 miss two car payments.
61302 GEMINI (May 21 - June 21)
61303 You think you're falling in love with a person who has a lot in
61304 common with yourself. You both prefer ales, you've both tried your hand
61305 at homebrewing, and you both want to visit every new brewpub that opens.
61306 Sounds impressive but remember you really don't know your partner until
61312 CANCER (Jun 22 - July 22)
61313 You've been awarded a clean bill of health this month and you feel
61314 you owe it all to the excessive amount of Vitamin B, Iron, and Malt you get
61315 in your beer. Being healthy is admirable but don't you think you're going
61316 to feel stupid one day lying in a hospital dying of nothing?
61318 LEO (July 23 - August 22)
61319 You will soon acquire a large sum of money and will be in seventh
61320 heaven as you head to the nearest Liquor Barn and buy all the beer they have
61321 in stock. Whoever said money couldn't buy happiness didn't know where to
61324 VIRGO (August 23 - September 22)
61325 Your late night, beer drinking, "life in the fast lane" parties are
61326 affecting your job production the next morning. You feel a nine to five job
61327 is not for a "party animal" such as yourself and may feel the need for a
61328 career change. Just remember, people who work sitting down get paid more
61329 than people who work standing up.
61331 Your friends will know you better in the first minute you
61332 meet than your acquaintances will know you in a thousand years.
61333 -- Richard Bach, "Illusions"
61335 Your goose is cooked.
61336 (Your current chick is burned up too!)
61338 Your happiness is intertwined with your outlook on life.
61340 Your heart is pure, and your mind clear, and your soul devout.
61342 Your ignorance cramps my conversation.
61344 Your life would be very empty if you had nothing to regret.
61346 Your love life will be happy and harmonious.
61348 Your love life will be... interesting.
61350 Your lover will never wish to leave you.
61352 Your lucky color has faded.
61354 Your lucky number has been disconnected.
61356 Your lucky number is 3552664958674928.
61357 Watch for it everywhere.
61359 Your manuscript is both good and original, but the part that is good is not
61360 original and the part that is original is not good.
61363 Your mind is the part of you that says,
61364 "Why'n'tcha eat that piece of cake?"
61365 ... and then, twenty minutes later, says,
61366 "Y'know, if I were you, I wouldn't have done that!"
61367 -- Steven and Ondrea Levine
61369 Your mind understands what you have been
61370 taught; your heart, what is true.
61372 Your mode of life will be changed for
61373 the better because of good news soon.
61375 Your mode of life will be changed for
61376 the better because of new developments.
61378 Your mode of life will be changed to ASCII.
61380 Your mode of life will be changed to EBCDIC.
61382 Your mothers ghost stands at your shoulder
61383 Face like ice, a little bit colder
61384 She says "You can't do that it breaks all the rules
61385 You learned in school"
61386 But I don't really see
61387 Why can't we go on as three?
61388 -- David Crosby, "Triad"
61390 Your motives for doing whatever good deed you
61391 may have in mind will be misinterpreted by somebody.
61393 Your nature demands love and your happiness depends on it.
61395 Your object is to save the world,
61396 while still leading a pleasant life.
61398 Your only obligation in any lifetime is to be true to yourself. Being
61399 true to anyone else or anything else is not only impossible, but the
61400 mark of a fake messiah. The simplest questions are the most profound.
61401 Where were you born? Where is your home? Where are you going? What
61402 are you doing? Think about these once in awhile and watch your answers
61404 -- Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul
61406 Your own qualities will help prevent your advancement in the world.
61408 Your password is pitifully obvious.
61410 Your picture of the world often changes just before you get it into focus.
61412 Your present plans will be successful.
61414 Your program is sick! Shoot it and put it out of its memory.
61416 Your reasoning powers are good, and you are a fairly good planner.
61418 Your responsibility as a parent is not as great as you might imagine. You
61419 need not supply the world with the next conqueror of disease or major motion
61420 picture star. If your child simply grows up to be someone who does not use
61421 the word "collectible" as a noun, you can consider yourself an unqualified
61423 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"
61425 Your sister swims out to meet troop ships.
61427 Your society will be sought by people of taste and refinement.
61429 Your step will soil many countries.
61431 Your supervisor is thinking about you.
61433 Your talents will be recognized and suitably rewarded.
61435 Your temporary financial embarrassment will
61436 be relieved in a surprising manner.
61438 Your true value depends entirely on what you are compared with.
61440 Your wig steers the gig.
61443 Your wise men don't know how it feels
61444 To be thick as a brick.
61445 -- Jethro Tull, "Thick As A Brick"
61447 Your worship is your furnaces
61448 which, like old idols, lost obscenes,
61449 have molten bowels; your vision is
61450 machines for making more machines.
61451 -- Gordon Bottomley, 1874
61453 You're a card which will have to be dealt with.
61455 You're a good example of why some animals eat their young.
61456 -- Jim Samuels to a heckler
61458 Ah, yes. I remember my first beer.
61459 -- Steve Martin to a heckler
61461 When your IQ rises to 28, sell.
61462 -- Professor Irwin Corey to a heckler
61464 You're all clear now, kid.
61465 Now blow this thing so we can all go home.
61468 You're almost as happy as you think you are.
61470 You're already carrying the sphere!
61472 You're always thinking you're gonna be
61473 the one that makes 'em act different.
61474 -- Woody Allen, "Manhattan"
61476 You're at the end of the road again.
61478 You're at Witt's End.
61480 You're being followed. Cut out the hanky-panky for a few days.
61482 You're currently going through a difficult transition period called "Life."
61484 You're definitely on their list.
61485 The question to ask next is what list it is.
61487 You're either part of the solution or part of the problem.
61488 -- Eldridge Cleaver
61490 You're growing out of some of your problems,
61491 but there are others that you're growing into.
61493 You're just the sort of person I imagined marrying, when I was little...
61494 except, y'know, not green... and without all the patches of fungus.
61497 You're never too old to become younger.
61500 You're not Dave. Who are you?
61502 You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
61505 You're not my type. For that matter, you're not even my species!!!
61507 You're reasoning is excellent -- it's
61508 only your basic assumptions that are wrong.
61510 You're ugly and your mother dresses you funny.
61512 You're using a keyboard! How quaint!
61514 You're working under a slight handicap.
61515 You happen to be human.
61517 Yours is not to reason why,
61519 And when you find you have to throw
61521 Remember life as was it is,
61523 Chasing sounds across the galaxy
61524 'Till silence is but a blur.
61527 Youth. It's a wonder that anyone ever outgrows it.
61529 Youth -- not a time of life but a state of mind... a predominance of
61530 courage over timidity, of the appetite for adventure over the love of ease.
61531 -- Robert F. Kennedy
61533 Youth had been a habit of hers so long that she could not part with it.
61535 Youth is a blunder, manhood a struggle, old age a regret.
61536 -- Benjamin Disraeli, "Coningsby"
61538 Youth is a disease from which we all recover.
61539 -- Dorothy Fuldheim
61541 Youth is such a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children.
61542 -- George Bernard Shaw
61544 Youth is the trustee of posterity.
61546 Youth is when you blame all your troubles on your parents; maturity is
61547 when you learn that everything is the fault of the younger generation.
61549 You've always made the mistake of being yourself.
61552 You've been Berkeley'ed!
61554 You've been leading a dog's life. Stay off the furniture.
61556 You've been telling me to relax all the way here,
61557 and now you're telling me just to be myself?
61558 -- The Return of the Secaucus Seven
61560 You've got to have a gimmick if your band sucks.
61563 You've got to pity New Mexico... so far from heaven and so close to Texas.
61565 You've got to think about tomorrow!
61567 "TOMORROW! I haven't even prepared for *_________
\b\b\b\b\b\b\b\b\byesterday* yet!"
61569 "Yow! Am I having fun yet?"
61570 -- Zippy the Pinhead
61572 "Yow! Am I in Milwaukee?"
61573 -- Zippy the Pinhead
61575 "Yow! And then we could sit on the hoods of cars at stop lights!"
61576 -- Zippy the Pinhead
61578 "Yow! Did something bad happen or am I in a drive-in movie?"
61579 -- Zippy the Pinhead
61581 YOW!! Everybody out of the GENETIC POOL!
61583 "Yow! Is this sexual intercourse yet? Is it, huh, is it?"
61584 -- Zippy the Pinhead
61586 "Yow!! Those people look exactly like Donnie and Marie Osmond!!"
61587 -- Zippy the Pinhead
61589 "Yow! Now I get to think about all the BAD THINGS I did
61590 to a BOWLING BALL when I was in JUNIOR HIGH SCHOOL!"
61591 -- Zippy the Pinhead
61594 Something that is occasionally up but normally down.
61595 (see also Computer).
61598 1: Any time you get a mouthful of hot soup, the next thing you do
61600 2: How long a minute is, depends on which side of the bathroom
61604 Quality seen in new graduates -- if you're quick.
61607 The result of shutting down a production line.
61609 Zero Mostel: That's it baby! When you got it, flaunt it! Flaunt it!
61610 -- Mel Brooks, "The Producers"
61612 Zeus gave Leda the bird.
61615 If you're asked to join a parade, don't march behind the elephants.
61617 Zounds! I was never so bethump'd with words
61618 since I first call'd my brother's father dad.
61619 -- William Shakespeare, "King John"
61621 Zymurgy's Law of Volunteer Labor:
61622 People are always available for work in the past tense.
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