From ea4682d893d34ca8b6b53f393331791c2c0ad6a8 Mon Sep 17 00:00:00 2001 From: =?utf8?q?Ulrich=20Sp=C3=B6rlein?= Date: Sat, 9 Jan 2010 16:23:32 +0100 Subject: [PATCH] fortune(6): Sync improvements with Free/Net/OpenBSD; deduplicate - Typos, attributions and style improvements. - Make attributions and style more consistent and conforming to Notes Some of these are taken from FreeBSD, some from NetBSD and a few from OpenBSD. Yet quite a few more are by yours truly. Also: - Fix typos in fortunes.sp.ok, murphy - Remove duplicated fortunes (some where present thrice!) - fortunes is king and loses no cookie - fortunes-o contains no cookies already in fortunes - fortunes2-o contains no cookies already in fortunes2, fortunes or fortunes-o - fortunes2 contains no cookies already in fortunes - finally, cookies in fortunes2 were removed, if they were already in fortune-o The reasoning for the last step is, that when fortunes2 gets merged into fortunes, no possible offensive quotes show up there, that were already deemed offensive and moved from fortunes to fortunes-o - Remove some quotes from murphy-o already in other files, sort - Remove duplicates within limerick (via OpenBSD) - Sync startrek to NetBSD/OpenBSD; sort - Typos in zippy --- games/fortune/datfiles/fortunes | 1487 ++- games/fortune/datfiles/fortunes-o.real | 52 +- games/fortune/datfiles/fortunes.sp.ok | 8 +- games/fortune/datfiles/fortunes2 | 11915 +++-------------------- games/fortune/datfiles/fortunes2-o | 1861 +--- games/fortune/datfiles/limerick | 272 +- games/fortune/datfiles/murphy | 16 +- games/fortune/datfiles/murphy-o | 19 +- games/fortune/datfiles/startrek | 73 +- games/fortune/datfiles/zippy | 14 +- games/fortune/datfiles/zippy.sp.ok | 2 +- 11 files changed, 1899 insertions(+), 13820 deletions(-) diff --git a/games/fortune/datfiles/fortunes b/games/fortune/datfiles/fortunes index 4c4a864434..7888bb3487 100644 --- a/games/fortune/datfiles/fortunes +++ b/games/fortune/datfiles/fortunes @@ -132,30 +132,6 @@ and DEC separated the data from the instructions. DEC called the data Stack, and the instructions they called Code. And there was evening and there was morning, one interrupt ... -- Rico Tudor -% - JACK AND THE BEANSTACK - by Mark Isaak - - Long ago, in a finite state far away, there lived a JOVIAL -character named Jack. Jack and his relations were poor. Often their -hash table was bare. One day Jack's parent said to him, "Our matrices -are sparse. You must go to the market to exchange our RAM for some -BASICs." She compiled a linked list of items to retrieve and passed it -to him. - So Jack set out. But as he was walking along a Hamilton path, -he met the traveling salesman. - "Whither dost thy flow chart take thou?" prompted the salesman -in high-level language. - "I'm going to the market to exchange this RAM for some chips -and Apples," commented Jack. - "I have a much better algorithm. You needn't join a queue -there; I will swap your RAM for these magic kernels now." - Jack made the trade, then backtracked to his house. But when -he told his busy-waiting parent of the deal, she became so angry she -started thrashing. - "Don't you even have any artificial intelligence? All these -kernels together hardly make up one byte," and she popped them out the -window ... % A Severe Strain on the Credulity @@ -185,7 +161,7 @@ would completely cover the Sahara Desert. % Another Glitch in the Call ------- ------ -- --- ---- - (Sung to the tune of a recent Pink Floyd song.) + (Sung to the tune of the classic Pink Floyd song.) We don't need no indirection We don't need no flow control @@ -250,7 +226,7 @@ OR'd together, outta sight! Double bucky, I'm happy I heard of Double bucky, I'd like a whole word of you! - -- (C) 1978 by Guy L. Steele, Jr. + -- Guy L. Steele, Jr., (C) 1978 % Gimmie That Old Time Religion We will follow Zarathustra, We will worship like the Druids, @@ -325,23 +301,6 @@ Beware the infiniteloop sanitary due to limited circulation. (10) Accumulate mannequins now; spare parts will be in short supply on D-Day. -% - The STAR WARS Song - Sung to the tune of "Lola", by the Kinks: - -I met him in a swamp down in Dagobah -Where it bubbles all the time like a giant cabinet soda - S-O-D-A soda -I saw the little runt sitting there on a log -I asked him his name and in a raspy voice he said Yoda - Y-O-D-A Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda - -Well I've been around but I ain't never seen -A guy who looks like a Muppet but he's wrinkled and green - Oh my Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda -Well I'm not dumb but I can't understand -How he can raise me in the air just by raising his hand - Oh my Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda % The Three Major Kind of Tools @@ -688,12 +647,11 @@ of events, there lurks a singular, sinister attitude of mind." "MINE! HA-HA!" % - "Gee, Mudhead, everyone at More Science High has an + "Gee, Mudhead, everyone at Morse Science High has an extracurricular activity except you." "Well, gee, doesn't Louise count?" "Only to ten, Mudhead." - - -- Firesign Theater + -- The Firesign Theatre % GREAT MOMENTS IN AMERICAN HISTORY #21 -- July 30, 1917 @@ -736,8 +694,8 @@ an electronic calculator, and then say, "We're expecting a shipment of these sometime around the middle of next week". -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" % - How many seconds are there in a year? If I tell you there are -3.155 x 10^7, you won't even try to remember it. On the other hand, + How many seconds are there in a year? If I tell you there are +3.155 x 10^7, you won't even try to remember it. On the other hand, who could forget that, to within half a percent, pi seconds is a nanocentury. -- Tom Duff, Bell Labs @@ -851,7 +809,8 @@ yourself for far less money. This article can help you. junior, what are you up to?" "I'm writing a dissertation on how rabbits eat foxes," said the rabbit. - "Come now, friend rabbit, you know that's impossible!" + "Come now, friend rabbit, you know that's impossible! No one +will publish such rubbish!" "Well, follow me and I'll show you." They both go into the rabbit's dwelling and after a while the rabbit emerges with a satisfied expression on his face. @@ -890,6 +849,28 @@ for their fate to be quick, painless, and if possible, someone else's. under their heavy burdens and the soldiers bleating under their melting icepacks. -- The Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings" +% + Long ago, in a finite state far away, there lived a JOVIAL +character named Jack. Jack and his relations were poor. Often their +hash table was bare. One day Jack's parent said to him, "Our matrices +are sparse. You must go to the market to exchange our RAM for some +BASICs." She compiled a linked list of items to retrieve and passed it +to him. + So Jack set out. But as he was walking along a Hamilton path, +he met the traveling salesman. + "Whither dost thy flow chart take thou?" prompted the salesman +in high-level language. + "I'm going to the market to exchange this RAM for some chips +and Apples," commented Jack. + "I have a much better algorithm. You needn't join a queue +there; I will swap your RAM for these magic kernels now." + Jack made the trade, then backtracked to his house. But when +he told his busy-waiting parent of the deal, she became so angry she +started thrashing. + "Don't you even have any artificial intelligence? All these +kernels together hardly make up one byte," and she popped them out the +window ... + -- Mark Isaak, "Jack and the Beanstack" % Love's Drug @@ -910,7 +891,7 @@ Esther and hustle them off to prison. They can't prove who they are because they've left their passports in their hotel room. For three weeks they're tortured day and night to get them to name their contacts in the liberation -movement.. Finally they're hauled in front of a military court, +movement... Finally they're hauled in front of a military court, charged with espionage, and sentenced to death. The next morning they're lined up in front of the wall where they'll be shot. The sergeant in charge of the firing squad asks them @@ -1028,7 +1009,7 @@ advice, I'd have said `Leave off at seven' -- but it's too late now." she said, "that one can't help growing older." "ONE can't, perhaps," said Humpty Dumpty; "but TWO can. With proper assistance, you might have left off at seven." - -- Lewis Carroll + -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking-Glass" % So Richard and I decided to try to catch [the small shark]. With a great deal of strategy and effort and shouting, we managed to @@ -1128,14 +1109,14 @@ CABERNET, GIN, VERMOUTH, VODKA, SCOTCH, and WHATEVERSAROUND. The many versions of the FIFTH language reflect the sophistication and financial status of its users. Commands in the ELITE dialect include -VSOP and LAFITE, while commands in the GUTTER dialect include HOOTCH -and RIPPLE. The latter is a favorite of frustrated FORTH programmers -who end up using this language. +VSOP and LAFITE, while commands in the GUTTER dialect include HOOTCH, +THUNDERBIRD, RIPPLE and HOUSERED. The latter is a favorite of frustrated +FORTH programmers who end up using this language. % THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #2: RENE Named after the famous French philosopher and mathematician Rene -DesCartes, RENE is a language used for artificial intelligence. The +Descartes, RENE is a language used for artificial intelligence. The language is being developed at the Chicago Center of Machine Politics and Programming under a grant from the Jane Byrne Victory Fund. A spokesman described the language as "Just as great as dis [sic] city of @@ -1271,7 +1252,7 @@ be as easily led to beauty as to ugliness, to truth as to public relations, to joy as to bitterness, be said to be suffering from Hunter Thompson's disease. I don't have it this morning. It comes and goes. This morning I don't have Hunter Thompson's disease. - -- Kurt Vonnegut Jr. on Dr. Hunter S. Thompson: Excerpt + -- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr. on Hunter S. Thompson: Excerpt from "A Political Disease", Vonnegut's review of "Fear and Loathing: On the Campaign Trail '72" % @@ -1290,9 +1271,7 @@ moon. Calendars are made with a month of Sundays and a blue-ribbon Holstein bore alive two insurance salesmen. The earth splits and the entrails of a goat were found tied in square knots. The face of the sun blackens and the skies have rained down soggy potato chips." - "But what do all these things mean?" gasped Frito. - "Beats me," said Goodgulf with a shrug, "but I thought it made good copy." -- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings" @@ -1331,7 +1310,7 @@ teenager asked her mother. "Well, it's a highly technical, sensitive instrument we use in computer repair. Being a layman, you probably can't grasp exactly what it does. We call it a two-by-four." - -- Jeff MacNelley, "Shoe" + -- Jeff MacNelly, "Shoe" % When you have shot and killed a man you have in some measure clarified your attitude toward him. You have given a definite answer @@ -1345,7 +1324,7 @@ deep space that I really wish I'd listened to what my mother told me when I was young!" "Why, what did she tell you?" "I don't know, I didn't listen!" - -- Douglas Adams, "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" + -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" % YOU TOO CAN MAKE BIG MONEY IN THE EXCITING FIELD OF PAPER SHUFFLING! @@ -1462,7 +1441,8 @@ your own." ... at least I thought I was dancing, 'til somebody stepped on my hand. -- J. B. White % -... bleakness ... desolation ... plastic forks ... +... bleakness... desolation... plastic forks... + -- Zippy the Pinhead % ... But as records of courts and justice are admissible, it can easily be proved that powerful and malevolent magicians once existed @@ -1567,7 +1547,7 @@ a lesser person would do, such as get it changed or kill himself. -- Dave Barry, "This Column is Nothing but the Truth!" % ... so long as the people do not care to exercise their freedom, those -who wish to tyrranize will do so; for tyrants are active and ardent, +who wish to tyrannize will do so; for tyrants are active and ardent, and will devote themselves in the name of any number of gods, religious and otherwise, to put shackles upon sleeping men. -- Voltarine de Cleyre @@ -1678,7 +1658,7 @@ It isn't just a good idea, it's the law! What 20th Century U.S. President was almost impeached and what office did he later hold? % -3 syncs represent the trinity - init, the child and the eternal zombie +3 syncs represent the trinity -- init, the child and the eternal zombie process. In doing 3, you're paying homage to each and I think such traditions are important in this shallow, mercurial business we find ourselves in. @@ -1686,8 +1666,8 @@ ourselves in. % $3,000,000 % -"355/113 -- Not the famous irrational number PI, but an incredible -simulation!" +355/113 -- Not the famous irrational number PI, but an incredible +simulation! % 43rd Law of Computing: Anything that can go wr @@ -1751,14 +1731,14 @@ A bird in the hand is worth what it will bring. % A bird in the hand makes it awfully hard to blow your nose. % -A bore is someone who persists in holding his own views after we have -enlightened him with ours. +A bore is someone who persists in holding his +own views after we have enlightened him with ours. % -A budget is just a method of worrying before you spend money, as well -as afterward. +A budget is just a method of worrying +before you spend money, as well as afterward. % -A candidate is a person who gets money from the rich and votes from the -poor to protect them from each other. +A candidate is a person who gets money from the rich +and votes from the poor to protect them from each other. % A celebrity is a person who is known for his well-knownness. % @@ -1769,19 +1749,20 @@ trained, not to mention nearly half of the nation's state legislators. % A child of five could understand this! Fetch me a child of five. % -A chubby man with a white beard and a red suit will approach you soon. -Avoid him. He's a Commie. +A chubby man with a white beard and a red suit +will approach you soon. Avoid him. He's a Commie. % A citizen of America will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, but won't cross the street to vote in a national election. -- Bill Vaughan % -A city is a large community where people are lonesome together +A city is a large community where people are lonesome together. -- Herbert Prochnow % A classic is something that everybody wants to have read and nobody wants to read. - -- Mark Twain + -- Mark Twain quoting Professor Winchester, + "The Disappearance of Literature" % A closed mouth gathers no foot. % @@ -1795,7 +1776,7 @@ If the input was short of exact. A conclusion is simply the place where someone got tired of thinking. % A CONS is an object which cares. - -- Bernie Greenberg. + -- Bernie Greenberg % A consultant is a person who borrows your watch, tells you what time it is, pockets the watch, and sends you a bill for it. @@ -1880,14 +1861,14 @@ favored by God with an extraordinary genius for swathing the bitter facts of life in bandages of self-illusion. -- H. L. Mencken % -A general leading the State Department resembles a dragon commanding +A general leading the State Department resembles a dragon commanding ducks. -- New York Times, Jan. 20, 1981 % A girl and a boy bump into each other -- surely an accident. A girl and a boy bump and her handkerchief drops -- surely another accident. But when a girl gives a boy a dead squid -- *____that ___had __to ____mean _________something*. - -- S. Morganstern, "The Silent Gondoliers" + -- S. Morgenstern, "The Silent Gondoliers" % A gleekzorp without a tornpee is like a quop without a fertsneet (sort of). @@ -1904,8 +1885,7 @@ placed in the fairway at a point equal to the distance it carried or rolled into the rough. Such veering right or left frequently results from friction between the face of the club and the cover of the ball and the player should not be penalized for the erratic behavior of the -ball resulting from such uncontrollable physical -phenomena. +ball resulting from such uncontrollable physical phenomena. -- Donald A. Metz % A good question is never answered. It is not a bolt to be tightened @@ -1916,7 +1896,7 @@ hope of greening the landscape of idea. A good sysadmin always carries around a few feet of fiber. If he ever gets lost, he simply drops the fiber on the ground, waits ten minutes, then asks the backhoe operator for directions. - -- Bill Bradford + -- Bill Bradford % A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices. @@ -1931,25 +1911,24 @@ team, who always get killed soon after appearing, and a squad of Imperial Stormtroopers, who can't hit the broad side of a planet? -- Tom Galloway % -A is for Amy who fell down the stairs, B is for Basil assaulted by bears. -C is for Clair who wasted away, D is for Desmond thrown out of the sleigh. -E is for Ernest who choked on a peach, F is for Fanny, sucked dry by a leech. -G is for George, smothered under a rug, H is for Hector, done in by a thug. -I is for Ida who drowned in the lake, J is for James who took lye, by mistake. -K is for Kate who was struck with an axe, L is for Leo who swallowed some tacks. -M is for Maud who was swept out to sea, N is for Nevil who died of enui. -O is for Olive, run through with an awl, P is for Prue, trampled flat in a brawl -Q is for Quinton who sank in a mire, R is for Rhoda, consumed by a fire. -S is for Susan who parished of fits, T is for Titas who flew into bits. -U is for Una who slipped down a drain, V is for Victor, squashed under a train. -W is for Winie, embedded in ice, X is for Xercies, devoured by mice. -Y is for Yoric whose head was bashed in, Z is for Zilla who drank too much gin. - -- Edward Gorey "The Gastly Crumb Tines" +A is for AMY who fell down the stairs, B is for BASIL assaulted by bears. +C is for CLARA who wasted away, D is for DESMOND thrown out of a sleigh. +E is for ERNEST who choked on a peach, F is for FANNY sucked dry by a leech. +G is for GEORGE smothered under a rug, H is for HECTOR done in by a thug. +I is for IDA who drowned in a lake, J is for JAMES who took lye by mistake. +K is for KATE who was struck with an axe, L is for LEO who swallowed some tacks. +M is for MAUD who was swept out to sea, N is for NEVILLE who died of ennui. +O is for OLIVE run through with an awl, P is for PRUE trampled flat in a brawl. +Q is for QUENTIN who sank in a mire, R is for RHODA consumed by a fire. +S is for SUSAN who perished of fits, T is for TITUS who flew into bits. +U is for UNA who slipped down a drain, V is for VICTOR squashed under a train. +W is for WINNIE embedded in ice, X is for XERXES devoured by mice. +Y is for YORICK whose head was knocked in, Z is for ZILLAH who drank too much gin. + -- Edward Gorey, "The Gashlycrumb Tinies" % A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance. % -A jury consists of 12 persons chosen to decide -who has the better lawyer. +A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer. -- Robert Frost % A lack of leadership is no substitute for inaction. @@ -1966,20 +1945,21 @@ The lady, indignant, removed her ear. "To hear my character lied about!" -- Gopete Sherany % -A language that doesn't affect the way you think about programming is -not worth knowing. +A language that doesn't affect the way you +think about programming is not worth knowing. + -- Alan Perlis % -A language that doesn't have everything is actually easier to program -in than some that do. +A language that doesn't have everything is +actually easier to program in than some that do. -- Dennis M. Ritchie % -A large number of installed systems work by fiat. That is, they work -by being declared to work. +A large number of installed systems work by fiat. +That is, they work by being declared to work. -- Anatol Holt % A Law of Computer Programming: Make it possible for programmers to write in English and you -will find the programmers cannot write in English. +will find that programmers cannot write in English. % A limerick packs laughs anatomical Into space that is quite economical. @@ -1987,11 +1967,12 @@ Into space that is quite economical. So seldom are clean, And the clean ones so seldom are comical. % -A LISP programmer knows the value of everything, but the cost of -nothing. +A LISP programmer knows the value of everything, +but the cost of nothing. + -- Alan Perlis % A little inaccuracy sometimes saves tons of explanation. - -- H. H. Munroe + -- H. H. Munroe a.k.a. Saki, "The Square Egg" (1924) % A long memory is the most subversive idea in America. % @@ -2005,19 +1986,20 @@ exceptional ability in that particular field." A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me. I'm afraid of widths. -- Steve Wright % -A lot of people I know believe in positive thinking, and so do I. I -believe everything positively stinks. +A lot of people I know believe in positive thinking, +and so do I. I believe everything positively stinks. -- Lew Col % -A man said to the Universe: "Sir, I exist!" - -"However," replied the Universe, "the fact has not created in me a -sense of obligation." +A man said to the Universe: + "Sir, I exist!" + "However," replied the Universe, + "the fact has not created in me a sense of obligation." -- Stephen Crane % A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small package. % -A mathematician is a machine for converting coffee into theorems. +A mathematician is a device for converting coffee into theorems. + -- P. Erdos % A Mexican newspaper reports that bored Royal Air Force pilots stationed on the Falkland Islands have devised what they consider a marvelous new @@ -2030,25 +2012,21 @@ direction, like spectators at a slow-motion tennis match. Then, the paper reports, "The pilots fly out to sea and directly to the penguin colony and overfly it. Heads go up, up, up, and ten thousand penguins fall over gently onto their backs. - -- Audobon Society Magazine - -2001-02-02, from http://news.bbc.co.uk: - -For five weeks, a team from the British Antarctic Survey (BAS) -monitored 1,000 king penguins on the island of South Georgia as -Lynx helicopters passed overhead. - -"Not one king penguin fell over when the helicopters came over," -said team leader Dr Richard Stone. - -"As the aircraft approached, the birds went quiet and stopped + -- Audubon Society Magazine + +[From the BBC, 2001-02-02: + For five weeks, a team from the British Antarctic Survey (BAS) +monitored 1,000 king penguins on the island of South Georgia as Lynx +helicopters passed overhead. + "Not one king penguin fell over when the helicopters came over," +said team leader Dr. Richard Stone. + "As the aircraft approached, the birds went quiet and stopped calling to each other, and adolescent birds that were not associated with nests began walking away from the noise. Pure animal instinct, really." - -The conclusion, said Dr Stone, is that flights over 305 metres -(1,000 feet) caused "only minor and transitory ecological effects" -on king penguins. + The conclusion, said Dr. Stone, is that flights over 305 metres +(1,000 feet) caused "only minor and transitory ecological effects" on +king penguins.] % A neighbor came to Nasrudin, asking to borrow his donkey. "It is out on loan," the teacher replied. At that moment, the donkey brayed @@ -2062,16 +2040,13 @@ Has a voice that will shortly be heard. An unprintable three-letter word. % A new koan: - If you have some ice cream, I will give it to you. - If you have no ice cream, I will take it away from you. - It is an ice cream koan. % A new supply of round tuits has arrived and are available from Mary. -Anyone who has been putting off work until they got a round tuit now -has no excuse for further procrastination. +Anyone who has been putting off work until they got a `round tuit' +now has no excuse for further procrastination. % A New York City judge ruled that if two women behind you at the movies insist on discussing the probable outcome of the film, you have the @@ -2082,7 +2057,7 @@ rear of a Third Avenue street car -- if the car is in motion. % A "No" uttered from deepest conviction is better and greater than a "Yes" merely uttered to please, or what is worse, to avoid trouble. - -- Mahatma Ghandi + -- Mahatma Gandhi % A novice was trying to fix a broken Lisp machine by turning the power off and on. Knight, seeing what the student was doing spoke sternly: @@ -2113,32 +2088,29 @@ You'll never go wrong with a pig, a pig, You'll never go wrong with a pig! -- Thomas Pynchon, "Gravity's Rainbow" % -"A power so great, it can only be used for Good or Evil!" - -- Firesign Theatre, "The Giant Rat of Summatra" +A power so great, it can only be used for Good or Evil! + -- The Firesign Theatre, "The Giant Rat of Sumatra" % A priest asked: What is Fate, Master? -And he answered: - -It is that which gives a beast of burden its reason for existence. - -It is that which men in former times had to bear upon their backs. - -It is that which has caused nations to build byways from City to City -upon which carts and coaches pass, and alongside which inns have come +And the Master answered: + It is that which gives a beast of burden its reason for existence. + It is that which men in former times had to bear upon their backs. + It is that which has caused nations to build byways from City to +City upon which carts and coaches pass, and alongside which inns have come to be built to stave off Hunger, Thirst and Weariness. -And that is Fate? said the priest. + And that is Fate? said the priest. -Fate ... I thought you said Freight, responded the Master. + Fate ... I thought you said Freight, responded the Master. -That's all right, said the priest. I wanted to know what Freight was -too. + That's all right, said the priest. I wanted to know +what Freight was too. -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit" % A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep. % -"A programmer is a person who passes as an exacting expert on the basis +A programmer is a person who passes as an exacting expert on the basis of being able to turn out, after innumerable punching, an infinite series of incomprehensive answers calculated with micrometric precisions from vague assumptions based on debatable figures taken from @@ -2146,7 +2118,7 @@ inconclusive documents and carried out on instruments of problematical accuracy by persons of dubious reliability and questionable mentality for the avowed purpose of annoying and confounding a hopelessly defenseless department that was unfortunate enough to ask for the -information in the first place." +information in the first place. -- IEEE Grid news magazine % A psychiatrist is a person who will give you expensive answers that @@ -2163,11 +2135,11 @@ the ball is more than three inches from the hole, because no one wants to make a travesty of the game. -- Donald A. Metz % -"A raccoon tangled with a 23,000 volt line today. The results blacked -out 1400 homes and, of course, one raccoon." +A raccoon tangled with a 23,000 volt line today. The results +blacked out 1400 homes and, of course, one raccoon. -- Steel City News % -"A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives." +A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives. % A reading from the Book of Armaments, Chapter 4, Verses 16 to 20: @@ -2210,7 +2182,7 @@ keep him from the commission of all sins, or nearly all, save those that are worth committing. -- Samuel Butler % -A sine curve goes off to infinity or at least the end of the blackboard +A sine curve goes off to infinity, or at least the end of the blackboard. -- Prof. Steiner % A straw vote only shows which way the hot air blows. @@ -2226,8 +2198,7 @@ true," asked the student, "that PL-1 has many of the same data types as Lisp?" Almost before the student had finished his question, Greenblatt shouted, "FOO!", and hit the student with a stick. % -A student who changes the course of history is probably taking an -exam. +A student who changes the course of history is probably taking an exam. % A successful [software] tool is one that was used to do something undreamed of by its author. @@ -2253,11 +2224,11 @@ triangle. % A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn. % -A university is what a college becomes when the faculty loses interest -in students. +A university is what a college becomes +when the faculty loses interest in students. -- John Ciardi % -"A University without students is like an ointment without a fly." +A University without students is like an ointment without a fly. -- Ed Nather, professor of astronomy at UT Austin % A UNIX saleslady, Lenore, @@ -2279,19 +2250,19 @@ And that's not saying much for the turtle. A well adjusted person is one who makes the same mistake twice without getting nervous. % -"A witty saying proves nothing." +A witty saying proves nothing. -- Voltaire % A witty saying proves nothing, but saying something pointless gets people's attention. % -"A wizard cannot do everything; a fact most magicians are reticent to +A wizard cannot do everything; a fact most magicians are reticent to admit, let alone discuss with prospective clients. Still, the fact remains that there are certain objects, and people, that are, for one reason or another, completely immune to any direct magical spell. It is for this group of beings that the magician learns the subtleties of using indirect spells. It also does no harm, in dealing with these -matters, to carry a large club near your person at all times." +matters, to carry a large club near your person at all times. -- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Volume VIII % A year spent in artificial intelligence is enough to make one believe @@ -2305,8 +2276,7 @@ You brute! Knock before entering a ladies room! % Abandon the search for Truth; settle for a good fantasy. % -"About the time we think we can make ends meet, somebody moves the -ends." +About the time we think we can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends. -- Herbert Hoover % Absence makes the heart go wander. @@ -2337,6 +2307,7 @@ because the stakes are so low. Accident, n.: A condition in which presence of mind is good, but absence of body is better. + -- Foolish Dictionary % Accidents cause History. @@ -2365,29 +2336,28 @@ totally worthless. According to the obituary notices, a mean and unimportant person never dies. % -"According to the Rand McNally Places-Rated Almanac, the best place to +According to the Rand McNally Places-Rated Almanac, the best place to live in America is the city of Pittsburgh. The city of New York came in twenty-fifth. Here in New York we really don't care too much. -Because we know that we could beat up their city anytime." +Because we know that we could beat up their city anytime. -- David Letterman % Accordion, n.: A bagpipe with pleats. % Accuracy, n.: - The vice of being right + The vice of being right. % Acid -- better living through chemistry. % -Acid absorbs 47 times it's weight in excess Reality. +Acid absorbs 47 times its own weight in excess Reality. % Acquaintance, n.: A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" % -"Acting is an art which consists of keeping the audience from -coughing." +Acting is an art which consists of keeping the audience from coughing. % Actor: "I'm a smash hit. Why, yesterday during the last act, I had everyone glued in their seats!" @@ -2405,6 +2375,7 @@ ADA, n.: Something you need only know the name of to be an Expert in Computing. Useful in sentences like, "We had better develop an ADA awareness." + -- "Datamation", January 15, 1984 % Admiration, n.: Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves. @@ -2444,8 +2415,8 @@ for you to enjoy yourself; if that were their sole purpose, they'd have simply sent champagne and women over to your place by taxi. -- P. J. O'Rourke % -After an instrument has been assembled, extra components will be found -on the bench. +After an instrument has been assembled, +extra components will be found on the bench. % After [Benjamin] Franklin came a herd of Electrical Pioneers whose names have become part of our electrical terminology: Myron Volt, Mary @@ -2469,8 +2440,8 @@ cost to others, to win advancement." % After I run your program, let's make love like crazed weasels, OK? % -After living in New York, you trust nobody, but you believe -everything. Just in case. +After living in New York, you trust nobody, +but you believe everything. Just in case. % After the last of 16 mounting screws has been removed from an access cover, it will be discovered that the wrong access cover has been @@ -2508,9 +2479,9 @@ Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't seem to keep up is they're a bunch of misfits and losers." - -- A analysis of Neo-Nazis, from "The Badger" comic + -- An analysis of Neo-Nazis, from "The Badger" comic % -Air is water with holes in it +Air is water with holes in it. % Alas, I am dying beyond my means. -- Oscar Wilde, as he sipped champagne on his deathbed @@ -2529,7 +2500,7 @@ Alden's Laws: % Aleph-null bottles of beer on the wall, Aleph-null bottles of beer, - You take one down, and pass it around, +You take one down, and pass it around, Aleph-null bottles of beer on the wall. % Alex Haley was adopted! @@ -2550,8 +2521,8 @@ All extremists should be taken out and shot. All Finagle Laws may be bypassed by learning the simple art of doing without thinking. % -"All flesh is grass" - -- Isiah +All flesh is grass. + -- Isaiah 40:6 Smoke a friend today. % All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy. @@ -2562,22 +2533,22 @@ importance. All I can think of is a platter of organic PRUNE CRISPS being trampled by an army of swarthy, Italian LOUNGE SINGERS ... % -All I want is a warm bed and a kind word and unlimited power +All I want is a warm bed and a kind word and unlimited power. -- Ashleigh Brilliant % All men are mortal. Socrates was mortal. Therefore, all men are Socrates. -- Woody Allen % -"All my friends and I are crazy. That's the only thing that keeps us -sane." +All my friends and I are crazy. +That's the only thing that keeps us sane. % -"All my life I wanted to be someone; I guess I should have been more -specific." +All my life I wanted to be someone; I guess I should have been more +specific. -- Jane Wagner % All of the true things I am about to tell you are shameless lies. - -- The Book of Bokonon / Kurt Vonnegut Jr. + -- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr., "The Book of Bokonon" % All other things being equal, a bald man cannot be elected President of the United States. @@ -2589,13 +2560,13 @@ All programmers are playwrights and all computers are lousy actors. % All progress is based upon a universal innate desire on the part of every organism to live beyond its income. - -- Samuel Butler + -- Samuel Butler, "Notebooks" % All science is either physics or stamp collecting. - -- E. Rutherford + -- Ernest Rutherford % -"All snakes who wish to remain in Ireland will please raise their right -hands." +All snakes who wish to remain in Ireland will please raise their right +hands. -- Saint Patrick % All syllogisms have three parts, therefore this is not a syllogism. @@ -2637,8 +2608,9 @@ and all theoretical chemists know it. % All things are possible, except skiing thru a revolving door. % -All this wheeling and dealing around, why, it isn't for money, it's for -fun. Money's just the way we keep score. +All this wheeling and dealing around, why, it isn't for money, +it's for fun. Money's just the way we keep score. + -- Henry Tyroon % All true wisdom is found on T-shirts. % @@ -2694,8 +2666,7 @@ the book cannot take the place of J. R. Miller's "Practical Gamekeeping." -- Ed Zern, "Field and Stream" (Nov. 1959) % -Always borrow money from a pessimist; he doesn't expect to be paid -back. +Always borrow money from a pessimist; he doesn't expect to be paid back. % Always remember that you are unique. Just like everyone else. % @@ -2711,8 +2682,8 @@ Ambidextrous, adj.: Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy. -- Charlie McCarthy % -America may be unique in being a country which has leapt from barbarism -to decadence without touching civilization. +America may be unique in being a country which has leapt +from barbarism to decadence without touching civilization. -- John O'Hara % America was discovered by Amerigo Vespucci and was named after him, @@ -2727,18 +2698,18 @@ between the men's room and the women's room without having little pictures on the doors. -- Dave Barry, "Urine Trouble, Mister" % -"Amnesia used to be my favorite word, but then I forgot it." +Amnesia used to be my favorite word, but then I forgot it. % An age is called Dark not because the light fails to shine, but because people refuse to see it. -- James Michener, "Space" % -An American's a person who isn't afraid to criticize the President but -is always polite to traffic cops. +An American's a person who isn't afraid to criticize +the president but is always polite to traffic cops. % -"An anthropologist at Tulane has just come back from a field trip to +An anthropologist at Tulane has just come back from a field trip to New Guinea with reports of a tribe so primitive that they have Tide but -not new Tide with lemon-fresh Borax." +not new Tide with lemon-fresh Borax. -- David Letterman % An apple every eight hours will keep three doctors away. @@ -2796,10 +2767,10 @@ possible. % An idea is not responsible for the people who believe in it. % -"An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of purge." +An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of purge. % -Anarchy may not be the best form of government, but it's better than no -government at all. +Anarchy may not be the best form of government, +but it's better than no government at all. % And as we stand on the edge of darkness Let our chant fill the void @@ -2809,7 +2780,6 @@ That others may know The ship of the sun Is drawn by The grateful dead. - -- Tibetan "Book of the Dead," ca. 4000 BC. % And I heard Jeff exclaim, @@ -2846,8 +2816,8 @@ And yet, seasons must be taken with a grain of salt, for they too have a sense of humor, as does history. Corn stalks comedy, comedy stalks tragedy, and this too is historic. And yet, still, when corn meets tragedy face to face, we have politics. - -- Dalglish, Larsen and Sutherland, "Root Crops and - Ground Cover" + -- Dalglish, Larsen and Sutherland, + "Root Crops and Ground Cover" % Andrea: Unhappy the land that has no heroes. Galileo: No, unhappy the land that _____needs heroes. @@ -2940,8 +2910,8 @@ Any two philosophers can tell each other all they know in two hours. % Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry. % -Anybody who doesn't cut his speed at the sight of a police car is -probably parked. +Anybody who doesn't cut his speed at the +sight of a police car is probably parked. % Anybody with money to burn will easily find someone to tend the fire. % @@ -2950,7 +2920,7 @@ supposed to be doing at the moment. -- Robert Benchley % Anyone can hold the helm when the sea is calm. - -- Publius Syrus + -- Publilius Syrus % Anyone can make an omelet with eggs. The trick is to make one with none. @@ -2966,8 +2936,8 @@ Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined. Anyone who hates Dogs and Kids Can't be All Bad. -- W. C. Fields % -Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no -account be allowed to do the job. +Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President +should on no account be allowed to do the job. -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" % Anyone who uses the phrase "easy as taking candy from a baby" has never @@ -2982,9 +2952,9 @@ means the price went way up. % Anything that is good and useful is made of chocolate. % -Anything worth doing is worth overdoing +Anything worth doing is worth overdoing. % -"Apathy is not the problem, it's the solution" +Apathy is not the problem, it's the solution. % Aphorism, n.: A concise, clever statement. @@ -2995,15 +2965,16 @@ Afterism, n.: APL is a mistake, carried through to perfection. It is the language of the future for the problems of the past: it creates a new generation of coding bums. + -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5 % -"APL is a write-only language. I can write programs in APL, but I -can't read any of them." +APL is a write-only language. I can write programs in APL, but I +can't read any of them. -- Roy Keir % Aquadextrous, adj.: Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes. - -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" + -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets" % AQUARIUS (Jan 20 - Feb 18) You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. @@ -3020,7 +2991,7 @@ ARCHDUKE FERDINAND FOUND ALIVE -- % Are you a turtle? % -"Arguments with furniture are rarely productive." +Arguments with furniture are rarely productive. -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit" % ARIES (Mar 21 - Apr 19) @@ -3033,7 +3004,7 @@ shoes. -- Mickey Mouse % Armadillo: - To provide weapons to a Spanish pickle + To provide weapons to a Spanish pickle. % Arnold's Laws of Documentation: (1) If it should exist, it doesn't. @@ -3047,7 +3018,7 @@ imagine the grandeur and scope of a program that would take as long? -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 % Art is anything you can get away with. - -- Marshall McLuhan. + -- Marshall McLuhan % Art is either plagiarism or revolution. -- Paul Gauguin @@ -3067,10 +3038,10 @@ perverted disgusting person are you," these letters typically ask, "that you make jokes about setting fire to a goat?" ... -- Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny" % -"As an adolescent I aspired to lasting fame, I craved factual +As an adolescent I aspired to lasting fame, I craved factual certainty, and I thirsted for a meaningful vision of human life -- so I became a scientist. This is like becoming an archbishop so you can -meet girls." +meet girls. -- Matt Cartmill % As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not @@ -3089,7 +3060,6 @@ C.R.T., C.R.T., Phosphors light on you! If I had fifty hours a day I'd spend them all at you. - -- Uncle Colonel's Cursory Rhymes % As I was passing Project MAC, @@ -3105,19 +3075,19 @@ industries are secure. We hear about constitutional rights, free speech and the free press. Every time I hear these words I say to myself, "That man is a Red, that man is a Communist". You never hear a real American talk like that. - -- Frank Hague (1896-1956) + -- Frank Hague, 1896-1956 % As long as the answer is right, who cares if the question is wrong? % As long as war is regarded as wicked, it will always have its fascination. When it is looked upon as vulgar, it will cease to be popular. - -- Oscar Wilde + -- Oscar Wilde, "Intentions" % As of next week, passwords will be entered in Morse code. % -"As part of the conversion, computer specialists rewrote 1,500 -programs; a process that traditionally requires some debugging." +As part of the conversion, computer specialists rewrote 1,500 programs; +a process that traditionally requires some debugging. -- USA Today, referring to the IRS switchover to a new computer system. % @@ -3136,7 +3106,7 @@ As the trials of life continue to take their toll, remember that there is always a future in Computer Maintenance. -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata" % -As Will Rogers would have said, "There is no such things as a free +As Will Rogers would have said, "There is no such thing as a free variable." % As with most fine things, chocolate has its season. There is a simple @@ -3177,13 +3147,14 @@ Ask five economists and you'll get five different explanations (six if one went to Harvard). -- Edgar R. Fiedler % -Ask Not for whom the Bell Tolls, and You will Pay only the -Station-to-Station rate. +Ask not for whom the Bell tolls, and you +will pay only the station-to-station rate. + -- Howard Kandel % Ask not for whom the tolls. % -Ask not for whom the telephone bell tolls ... if thou art in the -bathtub, it tolls for thee. +Ask not for whom the telephone bell tolls ... +if thou art in the bathtub, it tolls for thee. % Ask your boss to reconsider -- it's so difficult to take "Go to hell" for an answer. @@ -3256,16 +3227,15 @@ depths they were once able to plumb. -- Stanley Kaufman % Automobile, n.: - A four-wheeled vehicle that runs up hills and down -pedestrians. + A four-wheeled vehicle that runs up hills and down pedestrians. % Avoid Quiet and Placid persons unless you are in Need of Sleep. -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata" % Avoid reality at all costs. % -"Avoid revolution or expect to get shot. Mother and I will grieve, but -we will gladly buy a dinner for the National Guardsman who shot you." +Avoid revolution or expect to get shot. Mother and I will grieve, but +we will gladly buy a dinner for the National Guardsman who shot you. -- Dr. Paul Williamson, father of a Kent State student % Bacchus, n.: @@ -3284,7 +3254,7 @@ CHOMPER, CHOMPING. Bagdikian's Observation: Trying to be a first-rate reporter on the average American newspaper is like trying to play Bach's "St. Matthew Passion" on a -ukelele. +ukulele. % Baker's First Law of Federal Geometry: A block grant is a solid mass of money surrounded on all sides @@ -3324,9 +3294,9 @@ taxes. Basic is a high level languish. APL is a high level anguish. % -"BASIC is the Computer Science equivalent of `Scientific Creationism'." +BASIC is the Computer Science equivalent of "Scientific Creationism." % -Basic, n.: +BASIC, n.: A programming language. Related to certain social diseases in that those who have it will not admit it in polite company. % @@ -3335,8 +3305,8 @@ Bathquake, n.: faucet is turned on to a certain point. -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" % -Be a better psychiatrist and the world will beat a psychopath to your -door. +Be a better psychiatrist and the world +will beat a psychopath to your door. % BE ALERT!!!! (The world needs more lerts ...) % @@ -3352,10 +3322,10 @@ Be careful of reading health books, you might die of a misprint. % Be different: conform. % -Be free and open and breezy! Enjoy! Things won't get any better so -get used to it. +Be free and open and breezy! Enjoy! +Things won't get any better so get used to it. % -Be security conscious -- National defense is at stake. +Be security conscious -- National Defense is at stake. % Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors and miss @@ -3370,8 +3340,8 @@ Begathon, n.: A multi-day event on public television, used to raise money so you won't have to watch commercials. % -Behold the warranty ... the bold print giveth and the fine print taketh -away. +Behold the warranty -- the bold print +giveth and the fine print taketh away. % Beifeld's Principle: The probability of a young man meeting a desirable and @@ -3379,7 +3349,7 @@ receptive young female increases by pyramidal progression when he is already in the company of: (1) a date, (2) his wife, (3) a better looking and richer male friend. % -"Being disintegrated makes me ve-ry an-gry!" +"Being disintegrated makes me ve-ry an-gry!" % Bell Labs Unix -- Reach out and grep someone. % @@ -3388,7 +3358,7 @@ Bennett's Laws of Horticulture: (2) Gardens are for plants to live in. (3) There is no such thing as a houseplant. % -"Benson, you are so free of the ravages of intelligence" +Benson, you are so free of the ravages of intelligence. -- Time Bandits % Berkeley had what we called "copycenter," which is "take it down @@ -3396,14 +3366,11 @@ to the copy center and make as many copies as you want." -- Kirk McKusick % Besides the device, the box should contain: + * Eight little rectangular snippets of paper that say "WARNING" + * A plastic packet containing four 5/17 inch pilfer grommets + and two club-ended 6/93 inch boxcar prawns. -* Eight little rectangular snippets of paper that say "WARNING" - -* A plastic packet containing four 5/17 inch pilfer grommets and two - club-ended 6/93 inch boxcar prawns. - -YOU WILL NEED TO SUPPLY: a matrix wrench and 60,000 feet of tram -cable. +YOU WILL NEED TO SUPPLY: a matrix wrench and 60,000 feet of tram cable. IF ANYTHING IS DAMAGED OR MISSING: You IMMEDIATELY should turn to your spouse and say: "Margaret, you know why this country can't make a car @@ -3428,7 +3395,7 @@ ncheck list ncheck list cat list | grep naughty >nogiftlist cat list | grep nice >giftlist -santa claus town +santa claus town who | grep sleeping who | grep awake @@ -3450,10 +3417,10 @@ both Parliament and Party. It stands today, a monument to human spirit. If life exists on other planets, this may be the first message received from us. - -- The Realist, November, 1964. + -- The Realist, November, 1964 % -"Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proved it correct, not -tried it." +Beware of bugs in the above code; +I have only proved it correct, not tried it. -- Donald Knuth % Beware of computerized fortune-tellers! @@ -3470,16 +3437,16 @@ drip under pressure. finds himself no wiser than before," Bokonon tells us. "He is full of murderous resentment of people who are ignorant without having come by their ignorance the hard way." - -- Kurt Vonnegut, "Cat's Cradle" + -- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr., "Cat's Cradle" % -Beware of the Turing Tar-pit in which everything is possible but -nothing of interest is easy. +Beware of the Turing Tar-pit in which everything +is possible but nothing of interest is easy. % Binary, adj.: Possessing the ability to have friends of both sexes. % -"Biology is the only science in which multiplication means the same -thing as division." +Biology is the only science in which multiplication means the same +thing as division. % Bipolar, adj.: Refers to someone who has homes in Nome, Alaska, and Buffalo, @@ -3489,19 +3456,20 @@ Birth, n.: The first and direst of all disasters. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" % -Bizarreness is the essence of the exotic +Bizarreness is the essence of the exotic. % Bizoos, n.: The millions of tiny individual bumps that make up a basketball. -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" % -Blessed are the young for they shall inherit the national debt. +Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt. + -- Herbert Hoover % -Blessed are they who Go Around in Circles, for they Shall be Known as -Wheels. +Blessed are they who Go Around in Circles, +for they Shall be Known as Wheels. % -BLISS is ignorance +BLISS is ignorance. % Blood flows down one leg and up the other. % @@ -3560,7 +3528,7 @@ that out of a Boston man if you had the tire of all creation straightened out for a crowbar. -- O. W. Holmes % -Boy, life takes a long time to live +Boy, life takes a long time to live. -- Steven Wright % Boy, n.: @@ -3672,12 +3640,11 @@ BULLWINKLE: "You just leave that to my pal. He's the brains of the outfit." GENERAL: "What does that make YOU?" BULLWINKLE: "What else? An executive..." - -- Jay Ward + -- Jay Ward , "Rocky and Bullwinkle" % Bumper sticker: - -"All the parts falling off this car are of the very finest British -manufacture" + All the parts falling off this car are + of the very finest British manufacture. % Bureaucrat, n.: A person who cuts red tape sideways. @@ -3700,13 +3667,13 @@ Burn's Hog Weighing Method: "But don't you worry, its for a cause -- feeding global corporations paws." % -"But I don't like Spam!!!!" +But I don't like Spam!!!! % But in our enthusiasm, we could not resist a radical overhaul of the system, in which all of its major weaknesses have been exposed, analyzed, and replaced with new weaknesses. - -- Bruce Leverett, "Register Allocation in Optimizing - Compilers" + -- Bruce Leverett, + "Register Allocation in Optimizing Compilers" % "But officer, I was only trying to gain enough speed so I could coast to the nearest gas station." @@ -3743,12 +3710,12 @@ ever since, which is why they have so much free time to apply for rate increases. -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?" % -"But this has taken us far afield from interface, which is not a bad +But this has taken us far afield from interface, which is not a bad place to be, since I particularly want to move ahead to the kludge. Why do people have so much trouble understanding the kludge? What is a kludge, after all, but not enough Ks, not enough ROMs, not enough RAMs, poor quality interface and too few bytes to go around? Have I -explained yet about the bytes?" +explained yet about the bytes? % "But what we need to know is, do people want nasally-insertable computers?" @@ -3771,13 +3738,13 @@ Scram, beat it, get thee hence, and nuts to you. By doing just a little every day, you can gradually let the task completely overwhelm you. % -"By necessity, by proclivity, and by delight, we all quote. In fact, -it is as difficult to appropriate the thoughts of others as it is to -invent. (R. Emerson)" +"By necessity, by proclivity, and by delight, we all quote. +In fact, it is as difficult to appropriate the thoughts of others +as it is to invent. (R. Emerson)" -- Quoted from a fortune cookie program (whose author claims, "Actually, stealing IS easier.") [to which I reply, "You think it's easy for me to - misconstrue all these misquotations?!?"] + misconstrue all these misquotations?!?" Ed.] % "By the time they had diminished from 50 to 8, the other dwarves began to suspect 'Hungry' ..." @@ -3809,7 +3776,7 @@ Cabbage, n.: a man's head. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" % -"Cable is not a luxury, since many areas have poor TV reception." +Cable is not a luxury, since many areas have poor TV reception. -- The mayor of Tucson, Arizona, 1989 % Cahn's Axiom: @@ -3830,27 +3797,26 @@ Call on God, but row away from the rocks. "Calling J-Man Kink. Calling J-Man Kink. Hash missile sighted, target Los Angeles. Disregard personal feelings about city and intercept." % -"Calvin Coolidge looks as if he had been weaned on a pickle." +Calvin Coolidge looks as if he had been weaned on a pickle. -- Alice Roosevelt Longworth % -"Calvin Coolidge was the greatest man who ever came out of Plymouth -Corner, Vermont." +Calvin Coolidge was the greatest man who ever came out of Plymouth +Corner, Vermont. -- Clarence Darrow % Campus sidewalks never exist as the straightest line between two points. -- M. M. Johnston % -Canada Bill Jone's Motto: +Canada Bill Jones's Motto: It's morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money. -Supplement: - A .44 magnum beats four aces. +Canada Bill Jones's Supplement: + A Smith and Wesson beats four aces. % -Canada Post doesn't really charge 32 cents for a stamp. It's 2 cents -for postage and 30 cents for storage. - -- Gerald Regan, Cabinet Minister, 12/31/83 Financial - Post +Canada Post doesn't really charge 32 cents for a stamp. +It's 2 cents for postage and 30 cents for storage. + -- Gerald Regan, Cabinet Minister, 12/31/83 Financial Post % Cancel me not -- for what then shall remain? Abscissas, some mantissas, modules, modes, @@ -3879,7 +3845,7 @@ CAPRICORN (Dec 23 - Jan 19) You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You don't do much of anything and are lazy. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance. Capricorns should avoid standing still for too long as -they take root and become trees. +they tend to take root and become trees. % Captain Penny's Law: You can fool all of the people some of the time, and some of @@ -3902,10 +3868,10 @@ putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance. Cat, n.: Lapwarmer with built-in buzzer. % -Cauliflower is nothing but Cabbage with a College Education. - -- Mark Twain +Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education. + -- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson" % -Caution: breathing may be hazardous to your health. +Caution: Breathing may be hazardous to your health. % CChheecckk yyoouurr dduupplleexx sswwiittcchh.. % @@ -3933,11 +3899,11 @@ center of the universe. The premise is wrong, but the navigation works. An incorrect model can be a useful tool. -- Kelvin Throop III % -Census Taker to Housewife: Did you ever have the measles, and, if so, -how many? +Census Taker to Housewife: +Did you ever have the measles, and, if so, how many? % Cerebus: I'd love to lick apricot brandy out of your navel. -Jaka: Look, Cerebus-- Jaka has to tell you ... something +Jaka: Look, Cerebus -- Jaka has to tell you ... something Cerebus: If Cerebus had a navel, would you lick apricot brandy out of it? Jaka: Ugh! @@ -3953,7 +3919,8 @@ only robust persons doing this thing is that it has killed all the others who have tried it. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" % -Certainly there are things in life that money can't buy, but it's very funny-- +Certainly there are things in life that money can't buy, +but it's very funny -- Did you ever try buying them without money? -- Ogden Nash % @@ -4000,8 +3967,8 @@ cocaine, interferon, and TLC. The only ailment chicken soup can't cure is neurotic dependence on one's mother. -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" % -Children are natural mimic who act like their parents despite every -effort to teach them good manners. +Children are natural mimics who act like their parents +despite every effort to teach them good manners. % Children are unpredictable. You never know what inconsistency they're going to catch you in next. @@ -4011,8 +3978,8 @@ Children aren't happy without something to ignore, And that's what parents were created for. -- Ogden Nash % -Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for -word what you shouldn't have said. +Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually +repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said. % Chism's Law of Completion: The amount of time required to complete a government project is @@ -4057,14 +4024,15 @@ shoveling the walk before it stops snowing. % Cleanliness is next to impossible. % -"Cleveland? Yes, I spent a week there one day." -% Cleveland still lives. God ____must be dead. % +Cleveland? +Yes, I spent a week there one day. +% Cloning is the sincerest form of flattery. % -Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on -society. +Clothes make the man. +Naked people have little or no influence on society. -- Mark Twain % COBOL programs are an exercise in Artificial Inelegance. @@ -4075,7 +4043,7 @@ Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum -- "I think that I think, therefore I think that I am." -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" % -"Cogito ergo I'm right and you're wrong." +Cogito ergo I'm right and you're wrong. -- Blair Houghton % Coincidence, n.: @@ -4111,7 +4079,7 @@ Colvard's Unconscionable Commentary: This is especially true when dealing with someone you're attracted to. -Grelb's Commentary +Grelb's Commentary: Likelihoods, however, are 90% against you. % Come, every frustum longs to be a cone, @@ -4166,7 +4134,7 @@ Comparing information and knowledge is like asking whether the fatness of a pig is more or less green than the designated hitter rule." -- David Guaspari % -Computer programmers do it byte by byte +Computer programmers do it byte by byte. % Computer Science is merely the post-Turing decline in formal systems theory. @@ -4183,7 +4151,7 @@ Computers will not be perfected until they can compute how much more than the estimate the job will cost. % Conceit causes more conversation than wit. - -- LaRouchefoucauld + -- La Rochefoucauld % Concept, n.: Any "idea" for which an outside consultant billed you more than @@ -4191,16 +4159,15 @@ $25,000. % Condense soup, not books! % -Confession is good for the soul only in the sense that a tweed coat is -good for dandruff. +Confession is good for the soul only in the sense +that a tweed coat is good for dandruff. -- Peter de Vries % -Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the -situation. +Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation. % Congratulations! You have purchased an extremely fine device that would give you thousands of years of trouble-free service, except that -you undoubtably will destroy it via some typical bonehead consumer +you undoubtedly will destroy it via some typical bonehead consumer maneuver. Which is why we ask you to PLEASE FOR GOD'S SAKE READ THIS OWNER'S MANUAL CAREFULLY BEFORE YOU UNPACK THE DEVICE. YOU ALREADY UNPACKED IT, DIDN'T YOU? YOU UNPACKED IT AND PLUGGED IT IN AND TURNED @@ -4231,7 +4198,7 @@ Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good. Conscious is when you are aware of something and conscience is when you wish you weren't. % -"Consequences, Schmonsequences, as long as I'm rich." +Consequences, Schmonsequences, as long as I'm rich. -- "Ali Baba Bunny" [1957, Chuck Jones] % Consultants are mystical people who ask a company for a number and then @@ -4311,8 +4278,7 @@ out a cynic's eyes to improve his vision. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" % Cynic, n.: - One who looks through rose-colored glasses with a jaundiced -eye. + One who looks through rose-colored glasses with a jaundiced eye. % Dare to be naive. -- R. Buckminster Fuller @@ -4331,9 +4297,10 @@ Day of inquiry. You will be subpoenaed. %DCL-E-MEMBAD, bad memory -SYSTEM-F-VMSPDGERS, pudding between the ears % -Dealing with failure is easy: work hard to improve. Success is also -easy to handle: you've solved the wrong problem. Work hard to -improve. +Dealing with failure is easy: + Work hard to improve. +Success is also easy to handle: + You've solved the wrong problem. Work hard to improve. % Dear Lord: I just want *___one* one-armed manager so I never have to hear "On @@ -4365,7 +4332,7 @@ will be watching TV cartoon shows in the morning, and they'll show a commercial for a children's compressed breakfast compound such as "Froot Loops" or "Lucky Charms", and they always show it sitting on a table next to some actual food such as eggs, and the announcer always -says: "Part of this complete breakfast". Don't that really mean, +says: "Part of this complete breakfast". Doesn't that really mean, "Adjacent to this complete breakfast", or "On the same table as this complete breakfast"? And couldn't they make essentially the same claim if, instead of Froot Loops, they put a can of shaving cream there, or a @@ -4377,10 +4344,10 @@ Answer: Yes. Dear Mister Language Person: What is the purpose of the apostrophe? Answer: The apostrophe is used mainly in hand-lettered small business -signs to alert the reader than an "S" is coming up at the end of a +signs to alert the reader that an "S" is coming up at the end of a word, as in: WE DO NOT EXCEPT PERSONAL CHECK'S, or: NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR ANY ITEM'S. Another important grammar concept to bear in mind when -creating hand- lettered small-business signs is that you should put +creating hand-lettered small-business signs is that you should put quotation marks around random words for decoration, as in "TRY" OUR HOT DOG'S, or even TRY "OUR" HOT DOG'S. -- Dave Barry, "Tips for Writer's" @@ -4392,9 +4359,9 @@ Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired. % Death is Nature's way of recycling human beings. % -"Death is nature's way of saying `Howdy'". +Death is nature's way of saying `Howdy'. % -Death is nature's way of telling you to slow down +Death is nature's way of telling you to slow down. % Death is only a state of mind. @@ -4424,12 +4391,12 @@ blessed. default, n.: [Possibly from Black English "De fault wid dis system is you, mon."] The vain attempt to avoid errors by inactivity. "Nothing will -come of nothing: speak again." -- King Lear. +come of nothing: speak again." -- King Lear -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary" % #define BITCOUNT(x) (((BX_(x)+(BX_(x)>>4)) & 0x0F0F0F0F) % 255) -#define BX_(x) ((x) - (((x)>>1)&0x77777777) \ - - (((x)>>2)&0x33333333) \ +#define BX_(x) ((x) - (((x)>>1)&0x77777777) \ + - (((x)>>2)&0x33333333) \ - (((x)>>3)&0x11111111)) -- really weird C code to count the number of bits in a word @@ -4444,12 +4411,12 @@ Deliberation, n.: buttered on. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" % -"Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow." +Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow. % Demand the establishment of the government in its rightful home at Disneyland. % -Democracy is a device that insures we shall be governed no better than +Democracy is a device that ensures we shall be governed no better than we deserve. -- George Bernard Shaw % @@ -4464,8 +4431,8 @@ incompetent many for appointment by the corrupt few. Democracy is a government where you can say what you think even if you don't think. % -Democracy is also a form of worship. It is the worship of Jackals by -Jackasses. +Democracy is also a form of worship. +It is the worship of Jackals by Jackasses. -- H. L. Mencken % Democracy is good. I say this because other systems are worse. @@ -4487,7 +4454,7 @@ Result is demagogism, license, agitation, discontent, anarchy. since withdrawn. % Demographic polls show that you have lost credibility across the -board. Especially with those 14 year-old Valley girls. +board. Especially with those 14 year-old Valley girls. % Dentist, n.: A Prestidigitator who, putting metal in one's mouth, pulls @@ -4506,7 +4473,7 @@ be the last thing your guests remember before they pass out all over the table. -- The Anarchist Cookbook % -DeVries's Dilemma: +DeVries' Dilemma: If you hit two keys on the typewriter, the one you don't want hits the paper. % @@ -4544,6 +4511,7 @@ Dimensions will always be expressed in the least usable term. Velocity, for example, will be expressed in furlongs per fortnight. % Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you can find a rock. + -- Wynn Catlin % Disc space -- the final frontier! % @@ -4680,8 +4648,7 @@ Don't kiss an elephant on the lips today. % Don't knock President Fillmore. He kept us out of Vietnam. % -Don't let people drive you crazy when you know it's in walking -distance. +Don't let people drive you crazy when you know it's in walking distance. % Don't let your mind wander -- it's too little to be let out alone. % @@ -4690,7 +4657,7 @@ Don't look back, the lemmings are gaining on you. Don't put off for tomorrow what you can do today, because if you enjoy it today you can do it again tomorrow. % -"Don't say yes until I finish talking." +Don't say "yes" until I finish talking. -- Darryl F. Zanuck % Don't steal; thou'lt never thus compete successfully in business. @@ -4730,11 +4697,11 @@ Don't you feel more like you do now than you did when you came in? Double-Blind Experiment, n.: An experiment in which the chief researcher believes he is fooling both the subject and the lab assistant. Often accompanied by a -belief in the tooth fairy. +strong belief in the tooth fairy. % Down with categorical imperative! % -"Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing." +Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing. % Drew's Law of Highway Biology: The first bug to hit a clean windshield lands directly in front @@ -4744,8 +4711,7 @@ Drink Canada Dry! You might not succeed, but it *__is* fun trying. % Drive defensively. Buy a tank. % -Drugs may be the road to nowhere, but at least they're the scenic -route! +Drugs may be the road to nowhere, but at least they're the scenic route! % Ducharme's Axiom: If you view your problem closely enough you will recognize @@ -4787,7 +4753,7 @@ Earn cash in your spare time -- blackmail your friends % Earth is a beta site. % -"Earth is a great, big funhouse without the fun." +Earth is a great, big funhouse without the fun. -- Jeff Berner % Easiest Color to Solve on a Rubik's Cube: @@ -4797,7 +4763,7 @@ the plastic underneath -- black. According to the instructions, this means the puzzle is solved. -- Steve Rubenstein % -"Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow you may work." +Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow you may work. % Economics is extremely useful as a form of employment for economists. -- John Kenneth Galbraith @@ -4820,10 +4786,10 @@ Ed Sullivan will be around as long as someone else has talent. -- Fred Allen % Education is the process of casting false pearls before real swine. - -- Irsin Edman + -- Irwin Edman % Eeny, Meeny, Jelly Beanie, the spirits are about to speak! - -- Bullwinkle Moose + -- Bullwinkle J. Moose % Eggheads unite! You have nothing to lose but your yolks. -- Adlai Stevenson @@ -4833,7 +4799,7 @@ people wonder where the word "eggnog" comes from. The first syllable comes from the English word "egg", meaning "egg". I don't know where the "nog" comes from. -To make eggnog, you'll need rum, whiskey, wine gin and, if they are in +To make eggnog, you'll need rum, whiskey, wine, gin and, if they are in season, eggs... % Egotism is the anesthetic given by a kindly nature to relieve the pain @@ -4868,7 +4834,7 @@ Electrical Engineers do it with less resistance. Electrocution, n.: Burning at the stake with all the modern improvements. % -Elevators smell different to midgets +Elevators smell different to midgets. % Emerson's Law of Contrariness: Our chief want in life is somebody who shall make us do what we @@ -4929,14 +4895,14 @@ States we really shouldn't complain -- it's still only two cents a day. % Ever notice that even the busiest people are never too busy to tell you -just how busy they are. +just how busy they are? % Ever since prehistoric times, wise men have tried to understand what, exactly, make people laugh. That's why they were called "wise men." All the other prehistoric people were out puncturing each other with spears, and the wise men were back in the cave saying: "How about: Would you please take my wife? No. How about: Here is my wife, please -take her right now. No How about: Would you like to take something? +take her right now. No. How about: Would you like to take something? My wife is available. No. How about ..." -- Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny" % @@ -4961,7 +4927,7 @@ spending money alone. It is spending the sweat of its laborers, the genius of its scientists, the hopes of its children. This is not a way of life at all in any true sense. Under the clouds of war, it is humanity hanging on a cross of iron. - -- Dwight Eisenhower, April 16, 1953 + -- Dwight D. Eisenhower, April 16, 1953 % Every Horse has an Infinite Number of Legs (proof by intimidation): @@ -4988,10 +4954,11 @@ Every man is as God made him, ay, and often worse. -- Miguel de Cervantes % "Every morning, I get up and look through the 'Forbes' list of the -richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work" +richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work." -- Robert Orben % -Every nonzero finite dimensional inner product space has an orthonormal basis. +Every nonzero finite dimensional inner product space has an +orthonormal basis. It makes sense, when you don't think about it. % @@ -5009,13 +4976,13 @@ Every solution breeds new problems. Every successful person has had failures but repeated failure is no guarantee of eventual success. % -"Every time I think I know where it's at, they move it." +Every time I think I know where it's at, they move it. % Every word is like an unnecessary stain on silence and nothingness. -- Beckett % Everybody is somebody else's weirdo. - -- Dykstra + -- Edsger W. Dijkstra % Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die. % @@ -5062,7 +5029,7 @@ There are no absolute continuums. There are no surfaces. There are no straight lines. -- R. Buckminster Fuller % -Excellent day for drinking heavily. Spike office water cooler. +Excellent day for drinking heavily. Spike the office water cooler. % Excellent day for putting Slinkies on an escalator. % @@ -5090,7 +5057,7 @@ Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. % Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a mistake when you make it again. - -- F. P. Jones + -- Franklin P. Jones % Experience is the worst teacher. It always gives the test first and the instruction afterward. @@ -5118,7 +5085,7 @@ left hand corner of Prize Claim Form) and affix it to the 3x5 card below your address label. (d) Then print on your 3x5 card, above your computer-printed name and address the words "CARTER & VAN PEEL SWEEPSTAKES" (Use all capital letters.) (e) Finally place 3x5 card -(without bending) into a plain envelope [NOTE: do NOT use the the +(without bending) into a plain envelope [NOTE: do NOT use the Official Prize Claim and CVP Perfume Reply Envelope or you may be disqualified], and mail to: CVP, Box 1320, Westbury, NY 11595. Print this address correctly. Comply with above instructions carefully and @@ -5153,7 +5120,7 @@ Fakir, n: religious devotion in his followers, even though the sources seem to have shinnied up a rope and vanished. % -Familiarity breeds attempt +Familiarity breeds attempt. % Families, when a child is born Want it to be intelligent. @@ -5179,6 +5146,7 @@ Famous last words: (5) It's always sunny there this time of the year. (6) Don't worry, it's not loaded. (7) They'd never (be stupid enough to) make him a manager. + (8) Don't worry! Women love it! % Famous last words: (1) "Don't worry, I can handle it." @@ -5230,7 +5198,7 @@ Finagle's Creed: Finagle's First Law: If an experiment works, something has gone wrong. % -Finagle's fourth Law: +Finagle's Fourth Law: Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it only makes it worse. % @@ -5241,7 +5209,7 @@ happened according to his own pet theory. % Finagle's Third Law: In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct, - beyond all need of checking, is the mistake + beyond all need of checking, is the mistake. Corollaries: (1) Nobody whom you ask for help will see it. @@ -5298,8 +5266,8 @@ First Rule of History: History doesn't repeat itself -- historians merely repeat each other. % -"First things first -- but not necessarily in that order" - -- Dr. Who, "Doctor Who" +First things first -- but not necessarily in that order. + -- The Doctor, "Doctor Who" % Five is a sufficiently close approximation to infinity. -- Robert Firth @@ -5311,7 +5279,7 @@ The mouse on the m"obius strip; In a chronodimensional skip. % FLASH! Intelligence of mankind decreasing. Details at ... uh, when -the little hand is on the .... +the little hand is on the ... % Flon's Law: There is not now, and never will be, a language in which it is @@ -5377,7 +5345,7 @@ For a good time, call (510) 642-9483 For a man to truly understand rejection, he must first be ignored by a cat. % -"For an adequate time call 555-3321" +For an adequate time call 555-3321. % For an idea to be fashionable is ominous, since it must afterwards be always old-fashioned. @@ -5432,14 +5400,13 @@ For what it's worth, if you -can- get Michelle Pfeiffer to model a latex daemon suit for the catalog, I strongly suggest you do. Breasts can sell anything. Shiny red latex body suits start religions. - -- Brian McGroarty % For years a secret shame destroyed my peace -- I'd not read Eliot, Auden or MacNiece. But now I think a thought that brings me hope: Neither had Chaucer, Shakespeare, Milton, Pope. - -- Justin Richardson. + -- Justin Richardson % For your penance, say five Hail Marys and one loud BLAH! % @@ -5449,7 +5416,7 @@ destitution of conscience. % Forms follow function, and often obliterate it. % -fortune: cpu time/usefulness ratio too high -- core dumped. +fortune: CPU time/usefulness ratio too high -- core dumped. % FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS! #6 @@ -5458,7 +5425,7 @@ RAZORBACK: Paul Harbride, 1984, 2 hours 25 min. arguably the best movie ever made about a large, man-eating hog. Some violence. With Gregory Harrison. % -Fortune: You will be attacked next Wednesday at 3:15 p.m. by six samuri +Fortune: You will be attacked next Wednesday at 3:15 p.m. by six samurai sword wielding purple fish glued to Harley-Davidson motorcycles. Oh, and have a nice day! @@ -5598,12 +5565,6 @@ almost one, it is damn near zero. Frankfort, Kentucky, makes it against the law to shoot off a policeman's tie. % -FreeBSD: everything but the fairings -% -FreeBSD: Have you had your fairings today? -% -FreeBSD: It's 3am at night. Do you know where your fairings are? -% Fresco's Discovery: If you knew what you were doing you'd probably be bored. % @@ -5620,7 +5581,7 @@ So are they all, all cool cats, -- Come I to make this gig at Caesar's laying down. % Frisbeetarianism, n.: - The belief that when you die, your soul goes up the on roof and + The belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck. % Frobnicate, v.: @@ -5739,7 +5700,7 @@ stockings and desolating the country. % Gauls! We have nothing to fear; except perhaps that the sky may fall on our heads tomorrow. But as we all know, tomorrow never comes!! - -- Adventures of Asterix. + -- Adventures of Asterix % Gay shlafen: Yiddish for "go to sleep". @@ -5761,7 +5722,7 @@ backwards. But is that too high a price to pay for world peace? I think not, my friend, I think not. -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" % -"Gee, Toto, I don't think we are in Kansas anymore." +Gee, Toto, I don't think we are in Kansas anymore. % GEMINI (May 21 - June 20) You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you @@ -5832,8 +5793,8 @@ Freeman's Commentary on Ginsberg's theorem: Give me a Plumber's friend the size of the Pittsburgh dome, and a place to stand, and I will drain the world. % -"Give me enough medals, and I'll win any war." - -- Napolean +Give me enough medals, and I'll win any war. + -- Napoleon % Give me the Luxuries, and the Hell with the Necessities! % @@ -5897,14 +5858,14 @@ God is a comic playing to an audience that's afraid to laugh. % God is a polytheist. % -God is Dead +God is Dead. -- Nietzsche -Nietzsche is Dead +Nietzsche is Dead. -- God -Nietzsche is God +Nietzsche is God. -- The Dead % -God is not dead! He's alive and autographing bibles at Cody's +God is not dead! He's alive and autographing bibles at Cody's! % God is real, unless declared integer. % @@ -5920,7 +5881,7 @@ God isn't dead, he just couldn't find a parking place. % God made machine language; all the rest is the work of man. % -God made the Idiot for practice, and then He made the School Board +God made the Idiot for practice, and then He made the School Board. -- Mark Twain % God made the integers; all else is the work of Man. @@ -5965,12 +5926,12 @@ hasn't done anything to them. -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" % Goldenstern's Rules: - (1) Always hire a rich attorney + (1) Always hire a rich attorney. (2) Never buy from a rich salesman. % Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example. - -- La Rouchefoucauld + -- La Rochefoucauld % Good day for a change of scene. Repaper the bedroom wall. % @@ -5997,13 +5958,13 @@ Gordon's first law: well. % Gosh that takes me back... or is it forward? That's the trouble with -time travel, you never can tell." - -- Dr. Who, "Androids of Tara" +time travel, you never can tell. + -- Doctor Who, "Androids of Tara" % //GO.SYSIN DD *, DOODAH, DOODAH % Got Mole problems? -Call Avogadro 6.02 x 10^23 +Call Avogadro at 6.02 x 10^23. % Goto, n.: A programming tool that exists to allow structured programmers @@ -6042,8 +6003,8 @@ Logg's Rebuttal to Gray's Law: % Great minds run in great circles. % -Green light in a.m. for new projects. Red light in P.M. for traffic -tickets. +Green light in A.M. for new projects. +Red light in P.M. for traffic tickets. % Greener's Law: Never argue with a man who buys ink by the barrel. @@ -6052,7 +6013,7 @@ Grelb's Reminder: Eighty percent of all people consider themselves to be above average drivers. % -"Grub first, then ethics." +Grub first, then ethics. -- Bertolt Brecht % Gurmlish, n.: @@ -6160,7 +6121,7 @@ Hark, Hark, the dogs do bark The Duke is fond of kittens He likes to take their insides out And use them for his mittens - From "The Thirteen Clocks" + -- "The 13 Clocks" % Hark, the Herald Tribune sings, Advertising wondrous things. @@ -6238,7 +6199,7 @@ I mean. The answer is hot tubs. A hot tub is a redwood container filled with water that you sit in naked with members of the opposite sex, none of whom is necessarily your spouse. After a few hours in their hot tubs, Californians don't give a damn about earthquakes or -mass murderers. They don't give a damn about anything , which is why +mass murderers. They don't give a damn about anything, which is why they are able to produce "Laverne and Shirley" week after week. -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" % @@ -6250,20 +6211,21 @@ crack in your sidewalk? % Have you noticed the way people's intelligence capabilities decline sharply the minute they start waving guns around? - -- Dr. Who + -- Doctor Who % Have you reconsidered a computer career? % HE: Let's end it all, bequeathin' our brains to science. SHE: What?!? Science got enough trouble with their ___OWN brains. - -- Walt Kelley + -- Walt Kelly % "He did decide, though, that with more time and a great deal of mental effort, he could probably turn the activity into an acceptable perversion." -- Mick Farren, "When Gravity Fails" % -"He flung himself on his horse and rode madly off in all directions" +He flung himself on his horse and rode madly off in all directions. + -- Stephen Leacock % He had occasional flashes of silence that made his conversation perfectly delightful. @@ -6277,7 +6239,7 @@ of ever behaving "normally." He hadn't a single redeeming vice. -- Oscar Wilde % -"He is now rising from affluence to poverty." +He is now rising from affluence to poverty. -- Mark Twain % He looked at me as if I was a side dish he hadn't ordered. @@ -6293,7 +6255,7 @@ A penny postage stamp. "The nights are rather damp." % He was a fiddler, and consequently a rogue. - -- Jonathon Swift + -- Jonathan Swift % "He was a modest, good-humored boy. It was Oxford that made him insufferable." @@ -6322,7 +6284,7 @@ expound your own. Heavy, adj.: Seduced by the chocolate side of the force. % -"Heisenberg may have slept here" +Heisenberg may have slept here. % Hell hath no fury like a bureaucrat scorned. -- Milton Friedman @@ -6335,7 +6297,7 @@ Johnson's Corollary: organization. % "Hello," he lied. - -- Don Carpenter quoting a Hollywood agent + -- Don Carpenter, quoting a Hollywood agent % Help! I'm trapped in a PDP 11/70! % @@ -6414,8 +6376,8 @@ finger would explode! But this is nothing to worry about unless you have carpeting. -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?" % -"Here's something to think about: How come you never see a headline like -`Psychic Wins Lottery'?" +"Here's something to think about: How come you never see a headline +like `Psychic Wins Lottery'?" -- Jay Leno % "He's just a politician trying to save both his faces ..." @@ -6441,7 +6403,7 @@ experience and training, there's no reason why you shouldn't come out of this thing with at least a cabin cruiser. "Remember, at the Preston A. Mantis Consumers Retail Law Outlet, our -motto is: 'It is very difficult to disprove certain kinds of pain.'" +motto is: `It is very difficult to disprove certain kinds of pain.'" -- Dave Barry, "Pain and Suffering" % Hi there! This is just a note from me, to you, to tell you, the person @@ -6450,7 +6412,7 @@ nor bizarre stories, so you may as well go home. % Hier liegt ein Mann ganz ohnegleich; Im Leibe dick, an Suenden reich. -Wir haben ihn in das Grab gesteckt, Here lies a man with sundry flaws +Wir haben ihn ins Grab gesteckt, Here lies a man with sundry flaws Weil es uns duenkt er sei verreckt. And numerous Sins upon his head; We buried him today because As far as we can tell, he's dead. @@ -6459,14 +6421,11 @@ Weil es uns duenkt er sei verreckt. And numerous Sins upon his head; "The Definitive Biography of PDQ Bach", Peter Schickele % -Higgeldy Piggeldy, +Higgledy Piggledy, Hamlet of Elsinore -Ruffled the critics by -Dropping this bomb: -"Phooey on Freud and his -Psychoanalysis -- -Oedipus, Shmoedipus, -I just love Mom." +Ruffled the critics by dropping this bomb: +"Phooey on Freud and his Psychoanalysis -- +Oedipus, Shmoedipus, I just loved Mom." % Hindsight is an exact science. % @@ -6483,10 +6442,10 @@ Hire the morally handicapped. "His great aim was to escape from civilization, and, as soon as he had money, he went to Southern California." % -"His mind is like a steel trap -- full of mice" +His mind is like a steel trap -- full of mice. -- Foghorn Leghorn % -"His super power is to turn into a scotch terrier." +His super power is to turn into a scotch terrier. % History is curious stuff You'd think by now we had enough @@ -6521,7 +6480,7 @@ Home of Doberman Propulsion Laboratories: The ultimate in watchdog weaponry. -- Chris Shaw % -"Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense" +Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense. % Honesty pays, but it doesn't seem to pay enough to suit some people. -- F. M. Hubbard @@ -6545,7 +6504,7 @@ people. % Horses are forbidden to eat fire hydrants in Marshalltown, Iowa. % -"Houston, Tranquillity Base here. The Eagle has landed." +Houston, Tranquillity Base here. The Eagle has landed. -- Neil Armstrong % How can you be in two places at once when you're not anywhere at all? @@ -6554,7 +6513,7 @@ How come only your friends step on your new white sneakers? % How come wrong numbers are never busy? % -"How do I love thee? My accumulator overflows." +How do I love thee? My accumulator overflows. % How do you explain school to a higher intelligence? -- Elliot, "E.T." @@ -6619,8 +6578,8 @@ Dayton? % How to become a sysop: I grew a beard, started wearing only t-shirts and jeans, and - developed a surly attitude. The group accepted me, and I've never - worked a full day in my life since then. + developed a surly attitude. The group accepted me, and I've + never worked a full day in my life since then. -- rho/slashdot % How wonderful opera would be if there were no singers. @@ -6632,7 +6591,6 @@ HOW YOU CAN TELL THAT IT'S GOING TO BE A ROTTEN DAY: #15 Your pet rock snaps at you. % HOW YOU CAN TELL THAT IT'S GOING TO BE A ROTTEN DAY: - #32: You call your answering service and they've never heard of you. % @@ -6664,7 +6622,7 @@ Nobel Prize. % Hummingbirds never remember the words to songs. % -"Humor is a drug which it's the fashion to abuse." +Humor is a drug which it's the fashion to abuse. -- William Gilbert % Hurewitz's Memory Principle: @@ -6706,18 +6664,18 @@ I am more bored than you could ever possibly be. Go back to work. -- Gloria Steinem % I am not now, nor have I ever been, a member of the demigodic party. - -- Dennis Ritchie + -- Dennis M. Ritchie % "I am not sure what this is, but an `F' would only dignify it." -- English Professor % -"I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the -great ordeal of meeting me is another matter." +I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the +great ordeal of meeting me is another matter. -- Winston Churchill % -"I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone -has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top." - -- English Professor, Ohio University +I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone +has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top. + -- Professor Lowd, English, Ohio University % I am so optimistic about beef prices that I've just leased a pot roast with an option to buy. @@ -6761,7 +6719,7 @@ I can read your mind, and you should be ashamed of yourself. "I can remember when a good politician had to be 75 percent ability and 25 percent actor, but I can well see the day when the reverse could be true." - -- Harry Truman + -- Harry S. Truman % "I can resist anything but temptation." % @@ -6838,8 +6796,8 @@ I don't care for the Sugar Smacks commercial. I don't like the idea of a frog jumping on my Breakfast. -- Lowell, Chicago Reader 10/15/82 % -"I don't care who does the electing as long as I get to do the -nominating" +I don't care who does the electing as long as I get to do the +nominating. -- Boss Tweed % "I don't have any solution but I certainly admire the problem." @@ -6876,7 +6834,7 @@ thinking about eliminating a federal program under which scientists broadcast signals to alien beings. This would be a large mistake. Alien beings have nuclear blaster death cannons. You cannot cut off their federal programs as if they were merely poor people ... - -- Davy Barry, "THE ALIENS ARE COMING, THE ALIENS ARE + -- Dave Barry, "THE ALIENS ARE COMING, THE ALIENS ARE COMING!" % I doubt, therefore I might be. @@ -6908,12 +6866,12 @@ understand his long delay. % "I gained nothing at all from Supreme Enlightenment, and for that very reason it is called Supreme Enlightenment." - -- Gotama Buddha + -- Gautama Buddha % I gave up Smoking, Drinking and Sex. It was the most *__________horrifying* 20 minutes of my life! % -'I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it." +I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it. -- Mae West % I get up each morning, gather my wits. @@ -6932,8 +6890,8 @@ But in spite of it all, I'm able to grin, And think of the places my get-up has been. -- Pete Seeger % -"I had to censor everything my sons watched ... even on the Mary Tyler -Moore show I heard the word 'damn'!" +I had to censor everything my sons watched ... even on the Mary Tyler +Moore show I heard the word "damn"! -- Mary Lou Bax % "I had to hit him -- he was starting to make sense." @@ -6973,7 +6931,7 @@ have never met you, but if I do you'll need a new nose and plenty of beefsteak and perhaps a supporter below. Westbrook Pegler, a guttersnipe, is a gentleman compared to you. You can take that as more of an insult than as a reflection on your ancestry." - -- President Harry S Truman + -- Harry S. Truman % I have learned To spell hors d'oeuvres @@ -7064,6 +7022,21 @@ speed of light." "I may not be totally perfect, but parts of me are excellent." -- Ashleigh Brilliant % +I met him in a swamp down in Dagobah +Where it bubbles all the time like a giant cabinet soda + S-O-D-A soda +I saw the little runt sitting there on a log +I asked him his name and in a raspy voice he said Yoda + Y-O-D-A Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda + +Well I've been around but I ain't never seen +A guy who looks like a Muppet but he's wrinkled and green + Oh my Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda +Well I'm not dumb but I can't understand +How he can raise me in the air just by raising his hand + Oh my Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda + -- The STAR WARS Song, to "Lola", by the Kinks +% "I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a week sometimes to make it up." -- Mark Twain, "The Innocents Abroad" @@ -7156,7 +7129,7 @@ I tried to turn the handle, But ... "That is all." said Humpty Dumpty. "Goodbye." -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass" % -"I shot an arrow into the air, and it stuck." +I shot an arrow into the air, and it stuck. -- Graffito in Los Angeles % "I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full @@ -7200,7 +7173,7 @@ They went this morning with the dawn. A logging firm from out of town Came and chopped the trees all down. But I will trick those dirty skunks -And write a brand new poem called 'Trunks'. +And write a brand new poem called "Trunks". % "I think the sky is blue because it's a shift from black through purple to blue, and it has to do with where the light is. You know, the @@ -7305,7 +7278,7 @@ the point where it would not run at all. Holes and the Fate of Stars" % "I went to a job interview the other day, the guy asked me if I had any -questions , I said yes, just one, if you're in a car traveling at the +questions, I said yes, just one, if you're in a car traveling at the speed of light and you turn your headlights on, does anything happen? He said he couldn't answer that, I told him sorry, but I couldn't work @@ -7449,7 +7422,7 @@ can make goose-liver pate out of goose feathers, so why worry?" -- Sparky Anderson % If all be true that I do think, -There be Five Reasons why one should Drink; +There be five reasons why one should drink; Good friends, good wine, or being dry, Or lest we should be by-and-by, Or any other reason why. @@ -7488,7 +7461,7 @@ If at first you don't succeed, redefine success. If bankers can count, how come they have eight windows and only four tellers? % -"If dolphins are so smart, why did Flipper work for television?" +If dolphins are so smart, why did Flipper work for television? % If entropy is increasing, where is it coming from? % @@ -7557,7 +7530,7 @@ plantation and go home. If I had any humility I would be perfect. -- Ted Turner % -"If I had only known, I would have been a locksmith." +If I had only known, I would have been a locksmith. -- Albert Einstein % If I have seen farther than others, it is because I was standing on the @@ -7609,7 +7582,7 @@ pieces of mail get lost, why they'll think someone *else* is broken! And if 1Gb of mail gets lost, they'll just *know* that Arpa is down and think it's a conspiracy to keep them from their God given right to receive Net Mail ..." - -- Leith (Casey) Leedom + -- Leith (Casey) Leedom % If life is a stage, I want some better lighting. % @@ -7628,10 +7601,10 @@ If money can't buy happiness, I guess you'll just have to rent it. "If once a man indulges himself in murder, very soon he comes to think little of robbing; and from robbing he next comes to drinking and Sabbath-breaking, and from that to incivility and procrastination." - -- Thomas De Quincey (1785 - 1859) + -- Thomas De Quincey (1785-1859) % If one studies too zealously, one easily loses his pants. - -- A. Einstein. + -- Albert Einstein % If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank. @@ -7730,7 +7703,7 @@ doing the thinking. If two wrongs don't make a right, try three. -- Laurence J. Peter % -"If value corrupts then absolute value corrupts absolutely" +"If value corrupts then absolute value corrupts absolutely." % "If we were meant to fly, we wouldn't keep losing our luggage." % @@ -7752,7 +7725,7 @@ If you can read this, you're too close. If you can survive death, you can probably survive anything. % If you cannot convince them, confuse them. - -- Harry S Truman + -- Harry S. Truman % If you can't be good, be careful. If you can't be careful, give me a call. @@ -7769,8 +7742,8 @@ If you don't go to other men's funerals they won't go to yours. If you don't have a nasty obituary you probably didn't matter. -- Freeman Dyson % -"If you don't want your dog to have bad breath, do what I do: Pour a little -Lavoris in the toilet." +"If you don't want your dog to have bad breath, do what I do: +Pour a little Lavoris in the toilet." -- Jay Leno % If you eat a live frog in the morning, nothing worse will happen to @@ -7786,19 +7759,19 @@ If you give Congress a chance to vote on both sides of an issue, it will always do it. -- Les Aspin, D., Wisconsin % -"If you go on with this nuclear arms race, all you are going to do is -make the rubble bounce" +If you go on with this nuclear arms race, all you are going to do is +make the rubble bounce. -- Winston Churchill % If you had any brains, you'd be dangerous. % If you have a procedure with 10 parameters, you probably missed some. % -"If you have to hate, hate gently" +If you have to hate, hate gently. % If you just try long enough and hard enough, you can always manage to boot yourself in the posterior. - -- A. J. Liebling + -- A. J. Liebling, "The Press" % If you keep anything long enough, you can throw it away. % @@ -7809,8 +7782,8 @@ If you live to the age of a hundred you have it made because very few people die past the age of a hundred. -- George Burns % -If you make people think they're thinking, they'll love you; but if you -really make them think they'll hate you. +If you make people think they're thinking, they'll love you; +but if you really make them think they'll hate you. % If you only have a hammer, you tend to see every problem as a nail. -- Maslow @@ -7829,7 +7802,7 @@ ice, but no cup. % If you put garbage in a computer nothing comes out but garbage. But this garbage, having passed through a very expensive machine, is -somehow enobled and none dare criticize it. +somehow ennobled and none dare criticize it. % If you sit down at a poker game and don't see a sucker, get up. You're the sucker. @@ -7859,10 +7832,6 @@ If you think the United States has stood still, who built the largest shopping center in the world? -- Richard M. Nixon % -If you think the United States has stood still, who built the largest -shopping center in the world? - -- Richard Nixon -% If you throw a New Year's Party, the worst thing that you can do would be to throw the kind of party where your guests wake up today, and call you to say they had a nice time. Now you'll be be expected to throw @@ -7880,13 +7849,14 @@ your party is very successful in which case they will lob tear gas through your living room window. As host, your job is to make sure that they don't arrest anybody. Or if they're dead set on arresting someone, your job is to make sure it isn't you ... + -- Dave Barry % If you took all the students that felt asleep in class and laid them end to end, they'd be a lot more comfortable. -- "Graffiti in the Big Ten" % -"If you understand what you're doing, you're not learning anything." - -- A. L. +If you understand what you're doing, you're not learning anything. + -- Abraham Lincoln % If you want divine justice, die. -- Nick Seldon @@ -8005,9 +7975,9 @@ I'm going to live forever, or die trying! "I'm in Pittsburgh. Why am I here?" -- Harold Urey, Nobel Laureate % -i'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be +I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart. - -- e. e. cummings + -- E. E. Cummings % I'm N-ary the tree, I am, N-ary the tree, I am, I am. @@ -8018,6 +7988,7 @@ Never wouldn't ever do a binary. (No sir!) I'm 'er eighth tree that was N-ary. N-ary the tree I am, I am, N-ary the tree I am. + Stolen from Paul Revere and the Raiders % "I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am. It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get." @@ -8086,11 +8057,12 @@ Boss is reading it. % Impossible, adj.: (1) I wouldn't like it and when it happens I won't approve; -(2) I can't be bothered; (3) God can't be bothered. Meaning (3) may -perhaps be valid but the others are 101% whaledreck. + (2) I can't be bothered; + (3) God can't be bothered. +Meaning (3) may perhaps be valid but the others are 101% whaledreck. -- Chad C. Mulligan, "The Hipcrime Vocab" % -In 1750 Issac Newton became discouraged when he fell up a flight of +In 1750 Isaac Newton became discouraged when he fell up a flight of stairs. % In 1869 the waffle iron was invented for people who had wrinkled @@ -8161,7 +8133,7 @@ In Corning, Iowa, it's a misdemeanor for a man to ask his wife to ride in any motor vehicle. % "In defeat, unbeatable; in victory, unbearable." - -- Winston Churchill, of Montgomery + -- Winston Churchill, on General Montgomery % In Denver it is unlawful to lend your vacuum cleaner to your next-door neighbor. @@ -8243,7 +8215,7 @@ And that, I think, was the handle -- the sense of inevitable victory over the forces of Old and Evil. Not in any mean or military sense; we didn't need that. Our energy would simply `prevail'. There was no point in fighting -- on our side or theirs. We had all the momentum; -we were riding the crest of a high and beautiful wave .... +we were riding the crest of a high and beautiful wave ... So now, less than five years later, you can go up on a steep hill in Las Vegas and look West, and with the right kind of eyes you can almost @@ -8359,7 +8331,7 @@ Intolerance is the last defense of the insecure. Iron Law of Distribution: Them that has, gets. % -"Irrationality is the square root of all evil" +Irrationality is the square root of all evil. -- Douglas Hofstadter % Is it possible that software is not like anything else, that it is @@ -8369,7 +8341,7 @@ soap bubble? Is not marriage an open question, when it is alleged, from the beginning of the world, that such as are in the institution wish to get out, and such as are out wish to get in? - -- Ralph Emerson + -- Ralph Waldo Emerson % Is your job running? You'd better go catch it! % @@ -8405,7 +8377,7 @@ came out to inform the public. They thought it was just a jest and applauded. He repeated his warning, they shouted even louder. So I think the world will come to an end amid general applause from all the wits, who believe that it is a joke. - -- S. A. Kierkegaard (1813-1855) + -- S. A. Kierkegaard (1813-1855) % It has been observed that one's nose is never so happy as when it is thrust into the affairs of another, from which some physiologists have @@ -8452,11 +8424,10 @@ conversely, the dolphins had always believed that they were far more intelligent than man -- for precisely the same reasons. Curiously enough, the dolphins had long known of the impending -destruction of the of the planet Earth and had made many attempts to +destruction of the planet Earth and had made many attempts to alert mankind to the danger; but most of their communications were misinterpreted ... - -- Douglas Admas "The Hitch-Hikers' Guide To The - Galaxy" + -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" % It is better for civilization to be going down the drain than to be coming up it. @@ -8465,7 +8436,7 @@ coming up it. It is better never to have been born. But who among us has such luck? One in a million, perhaps. % -It is better to kiss an avocado than to get in a fight with an aardvark +It is better to kiss an avocado than to get in a fight with an aardvark. % It is by the fortune of God that, in this country, we have three benefits: freedom of speech, freedom of thought, and the wisdom never @@ -8477,8 +8448,8 @@ incisive and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by twelve dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper. -- Rod Serling % -"It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle if it is -lightly greased." +It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle if it is +lightly greased. -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit" % It is easier to be a "humanitarian" than to render your own country its @@ -8542,8 +8513,7 @@ damn thing over and over. It is now 10 p.m. Do you know where Henry Kissinger is? -- Elizabeth Carpenter % -It is now pitch dark. If you proceed, you will likely fall into a -pit. +It is now pitch dark. If you proceed, you will likely fall into a pit. % It is one of the superstitions of the human mind to have imagined that virginity could be a virtue. @@ -8599,14 +8569,14 @@ It shall be unlawful for any suspicious person to be within the municipality. -- Local ordinance, Euclid Ohio % -"It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing, -but I couldn't give up because by that time I was too famous." - -- Robert Benchly +It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing, +but I couldn't give up because by that time I was too famous. + -- Robert Benchley % It was a book to kill time for those who liked it better dead. % -"It was a virgin forest, a place where the Hand of Man had never set -foot." +It was a virgin forest, a place where the Hand of Man had never set +foot. % It was one of those perfect summer days -- the sun was shining, a breeze was blowing, the birds were singing, and the lawn mower was @@ -8618,7 +8588,7 @@ I should have found it pleasanter if I had been able to decipher it. I don't think that I mastered anything beyond the date (which I knew) and the signature (which I guessed at). There's a singular and a perpetual charm in a letter of yours; it never grows old, it never loses its -novelty .... Other letters are read and thrown away and forgotten, but +novelty ... Other letters are read and thrown away and forgotten, but yours are kept forever -- unread. One of them will last a reasonable man a lifetime." -- Thomas Aldrich @@ -8642,12 +8612,12 @@ two things still safe to eat. It's a damn poor mind that can only think of one way to spell a word. -- Andrew Jackson % -"It's a dog-eat-dog world out there, and I'm wearing Milkbone -underwear." +It's a dog-eat-dog world out there, and I'm wearing Milkbone underwear. + -- Cheers % It's a good thing we don't get all the government we pay for. % -"It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it." +It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it. -- Steven Wright % "It's a summons." @@ -8662,10 +8632,10 @@ It's always a long day; 86400 doesn't fit into a short. % It's always darkest just before it gets pitch black. % -"It's bad luck to be superstitious." +It's bad luck to be superstitious. -- Andrew W. Mathis % -It's better to be wanted for murder that not to be wanted at all. +It's better to be wanted for murder than not to be wanted at all. -- Marty Winch % "It's easier said than done." @@ -8686,17 +8656,17 @@ hour!" % It's illegal in Wilbur, Washington, to ride an ugly horse. % -It's is not, it isn't ain't, and it's it's, not its, if you mean it -is. If you don't, it's its. Then too, it's hers. It isn't her's. It -isn't our's either. It's ours, and likewise yours and theirs. - -- Oxford University Press, Edpress News +It's is not, it isn't ain't, and it's it's, not its, if you mean it is. +If you don't, it's its. Then too, it's hers. It isn't her's. It isn't +our's either. It's ours, and likewise yours and theirs. + -- Oxford University Press, "Edpress News" % It's just a jump to the left And then a step to the right. Put your hands on your hips - And pull your knees in tight. -It's the pelvic thrust - That really gets you insa-a-a-a-ane + You bring your knees in tight. +But it's the pelvic thrust + That really drives you insa-a-a-a-a-ane! LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN! @@ -8760,7 +8730,7 @@ It's raisins that make Post Raisin Bran so raisiny ... It's really quite a simple choice: Life, Death, or Los Angeles. % It's so stupid of modern civilization to have given up believing in the -Devil when he is the only explanation of it. +Devil when he is the only explanation for it. % It's the opinion of some that crops could be grown on the moon. Which raises the fear that it may not be long before we're paying somebody @@ -8811,7 +8781,7 @@ And from that full meridian of my glory I haste now to my setting. I shall fall, Like a bright exhalation in the evening And no man see me more. - -- Shakespeare + -- William Shakespeare % Jacquin's Postulate on Democratic Government: No man's life, liberty, or property are safe while the @@ -8882,9 +8852,9 @@ Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they AREN'T after you. Just go with the flow control, roll with the crunches, and, when you get a prompt, type like hell. % -"Just once, I wish we would encounter an alien menace that wasn't -immune to bullets" - -- The Brigader, "Dr. Who" +Just once, I wish we would encounter an alien menace that wasn't +immune to bullets. + -- Brigadier Lethbridge-Stewart, "Doctor Who" % "Just out of curiosity does this actually mean something or have some of the few remaining bits of your brain just evaporated?" @@ -8901,7 +8871,7 @@ twelve people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty! Supporting each man on the top of the tide By a finger entwined in his hair. -'Just the place for a Snark! I have said it twice: +`Just the place for a Snark! I have said it twice: That alone should encourage the crew. Just the place for a Snark! I have said it thrice: What I tell you three times is true.' @@ -8938,7 +8908,7 @@ possibilities have been exhausted. Keep America beautiful. Swallow your beer cans. % Keep Cool, but Don't Freeze - - Hellman's Mayonnaise + -- Hellman's Mayonnaise % Keep emotionally active. Cater to your favorite neurosis. % @@ -8979,7 +8949,7 @@ teenager stomp up to his branch and slam the leaves. Do" % Kin, n.: - An affliction of the blood + An affliction of the blood. % Kinkler's First Law: Responsibility always exceeds authority. @@ -8987,7 +8957,7 @@ Kinkler's First Law: Kinkler's Second Law: All the easy problems have been solved. % -"Kirk to Enterprise -- beam down yeoman Rand and a six-pack." +Kirk to Enterprise -- beam down yeoman Rand and a six-pack. % Kirkland, Illinois, law forbids bees to fly over the village or through any of its streets. @@ -9020,7 +8990,7 @@ Labor, n.: Lackland's Laws: (1) Never be first. (2) Never be last. - (3) Never volunteer for anything + (3) Never volunteer for anything. % Lactomangulation, n.: Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk carton so badly @@ -9037,7 +9007,7 @@ The four lines above Have been put into rhyme. -- Walt Kelly % -Laetrile is the pits +Laetrile is the pits. % Langsam's Laws: (1) Everything depends. @@ -9247,7 +9217,7 @@ eat it nevertheless." % Life is like a simile. % -Life is like an analogy +Life is like an analogy. % Life is like an onion: you peel off layer after layer, then you find there is nothing in it. @@ -9256,7 +9226,7 @@ there is nothing in it. -- Corky Siegel % "Life, loathe it or ignore it, you can't like it." - -- Marvin, "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" + -- Marvin, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" % "Life may have no meaning -- or even worse, it may have a meaning of which I disapprove." @@ -9264,11 +9234,12 @@ which I disapprove." "Life to you is a bold and dashing responsibility" -- a Mary Chung's fortune cookie % -"Life would be much simpler and things would get done much faster if it -weren't for other people" +Life would be much simpler and things would get done much faster if it +weren't for other people. -- Blore % Life would be so much easier if we could just look at the source code. + -- Dave Olson % Like so many Americans, she was trying to construct a life that made sense from things she found in gift shops. @@ -9346,8 +9317,8 @@ memory!" The lobster will squirm noticeably. It may even take a swipe at you with one of its claws. Incorrigible. Pop it into the pot. Justice has been served, and shortly you and your friends will be, too. - -- "Cooking: The Art of Using Appliances and Utensils - into Excuses and Apologies" + -- Dave Barry, "Cooking: The Art of Using Appliances and + Utensils into Excuses and Apologies" % Lockwood's Long Shot: The chances of getting eaten up by a lion on Main Street aren't @@ -9369,8 +9340,8 @@ to pay income taxes, too? % Loose bits sink chips. % -Losing your drivers' license is just God's way of saying "BOOGA, -BOOGA!" +Losing your drivers' license is just God's way of saying +"BOOGA, BOOGA!" % Lost interest? It's so bad I've lost apathy. % @@ -9387,7 +9358,7 @@ Love cannot be much younger than the lust for murder. % "Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come." - -- Matt Groening + -- Matt Groening, "Love is Hell" % Love is a word that is constantly heard, Hate is a word that is not. @@ -9399,9 +9370,9 @@ Any kiddie in school can love like a fool, But Hating, my boy, is an Art. -- Ogden Nash % -"Love is an ideal thing, marriage a real thing; a confusion of the real with -the ideal never goes unpunished." - -- Goethe +"Love is an ideal thing, marriage a real thing; a confusion of the real +with the ideal never goes unpunished." + -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe % Love is sentimental measles. % @@ -9417,8 +9388,8 @@ Love your enemies: they'll go crazy trying to figure out what you're up to. % Lowery's Law: - If it jams -- force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing -anyway. + If it jams -- force it. + If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway. % LSD melts in your mind, not in your hand. % @@ -9467,11 +9438,11 @@ powerful rubout feature capable of erasing files, filors, filees, and entire nodal aggravations. -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary" % -Magnet, n.: Something acted upon by magnetism +Magnet, n.: Something acted upon by magnetism. Magnetism, n.: Something acting upon a magnet. -The two definition immediately foregoing are condensed from the works +The two definitions immediately foregoing are condensed from the works of one thousand eminent scientists, who have illuminated the subject with a great white light, to the inexpressible advancement of human knowledge. @@ -9480,7 +9451,7 @@ knowledge. Magnocartic, adj.: Any automobile that, when left unattended, attracts shopping carts. - -- Sniglets, "Rich Hall & Friends" + -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" % Magpie, n.: A bird whose thievish disposition suggested to someone that it @@ -9488,8 +9459,9 @@ might be taught to talk. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" % Maier's Law: - If the facts don't conform to the theory, they must be disposed + If the facts do not conform to the theory, they must be disposed of. + -- N. R. Maier, "American Psychologist", March 1960 Corollaries: (1) The bigger the theory, the better. @@ -9548,10 +9520,6 @@ Man is the only animal that blushes -- or needs to. -- Mark Twain % Man is the only animal that can remain on friendly terms with the -victims he intends to eat until he eats them. - -- Samuel Butler -% -Man is the only animal that can remain on friendly terms with the victims he intends to eat until he eats them. -- Samuel Butler (1835-1902) % @@ -9570,7 +9538,7 @@ is an enemy. Mandrell: "You know what I think?" Doctor: "Ah, ah that's a catch question. With a brain your size you don't think, right?" - -- Dr. Who + -- Doctor Who % Mankind's yearning to engage in sports is older than recorded history, dating back to the time millions of years ago, when the first primitive @@ -9585,10 +9553,10 @@ mine. Better, probably, because you haven't had four beers. Manual, n.: A unit of documentation. There are always three or more on a given item. One is on the shelf; someone has the others. The -information you need in in the others. +information you need is in the others. -- Ray Simard % -Many years ago in a period commonly know as Next Friday Afternoon, +Many years ago in a period commonly known as Next Friday Afternoon, there lived a King who was very Gloomy on Tuesday mornings because he was so Sad thinking about how Unhappy he had been on Monday and how completely Mournful he would be on Wednesday ... @@ -9631,7 +9599,7 @@ receipt. Maturity is only a short break in adolescence. -- Jules Feiffer % -May a Misguided Platypus lay its Eggs in your Jockey Shorts +May a Misguided Platypus lay its Eggs in your Jockey Shorts. % May Euell Gibbons eat your only copy of the manual! % @@ -9662,7 +9630,7 @@ Men were real men, women were real women, and small, furry creatures from Alpha Centauri were REAL small, furry creatures from Alpha Centauri. Spirits were brave, men boldly split infinitives that no man had split before. Thus was the Empire forged. - -- "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy", Douglas Adams + -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" % Mencken and Nathan's Fifteenth Law of The Average American: The worst actress in the company is always the manager's wife. @@ -9677,7 +9645,7 @@ Mencken and Nathan's Second Law of The Average American: Mencken and Nathan's Sixteenth Law of The Average American: Milking a cow is an operation demanding a special talent that is possessed only by yokels, and no person born in a large city can -never hope to acquire it. +ever hope to acquire it. % Men's skin is different from women's skin. It is usually bigger, and it has more snakes tattooed on it. Also, if you examine a woman's skin @@ -9735,7 +9703,8 @@ lylglutamyllysylmethionylleucylalanylalanylleucyllysylvalylphenylalanylvalyl- glutaminylprolylmethionyllysylalanylalanylthreonylarginylserine, n.: The chemical name for tryptophan synthetase A protein, a 1,913-letter enzyme with 267 amino acids. - -- Mrs. Bryne's Dictionary of Unusual, Obscure, and + -- Mrs. Byrne's Dictionary of Unusual, Obscure, and + Preposterous Words % Mickey Mouse wears a Spiro Agnew watch. % @@ -9745,8 +9714,9 @@ Micro Credo: "Microwave oven? Whaddya mean, it's a microwave oven? I've been watching Channel 4 on the thing for two weeks." % -"Might as well be frank, monsieur. It would take a miracle to get you -out of Casablanca and the Germans have outlawed miracles." +Might as well be frank, monsieur. It would take a miracle to get you +out of Casablanca and the Germans have outlawed miracles. + -- Signor Ferrari, "Casablanca" (1942) % Mike: "The Fourth Dimension is a shambles?" Bernie: "Nobody ever empties the ashtrays. People are SO @@ -9859,7 +9829,7 @@ Monday, n.: % Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons. % -Money is the root of all evil, and man needs roots +Money is the root of all evil, and man needs roots. % Money is the root of all wealth. % @@ -9873,7 +9843,7 @@ Mophobia, n.: More than any time in history, mankind now faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness, the other to total extinction. Let us pray that we have the wisdom to choose correctly. - -- Woody Allen + -- Woody Allen, "Side Effects" % Mosher's Law of Software Engineering: Don't worry if it doesn't work right. If everything did, you'd @@ -9939,11 +9909,10 @@ Murphy's Law of Research: Mustgo, n.: Any item of food that has been sitting in the refrigerator so long it has become a science project. - -- Sniglets, "Rich Hall & Friends" + -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" % -"My advice to you, my violent friend, is to seek out gold and sit on -it." - -- "Grendel", by John Gardner +My advice to you, my violent friend, is to seek out gold and sit on it. + -- The Dragon to Grendel, in John Gardner's "Grendel" % My band career ended late in my senior year when John Cooper and I threw my amplifier out the dormitory window. We did not act in haste. @@ -9982,7 +9951,7 @@ As sharply sweet to my heart he seems As the fragrance of acacia. My own dear love, he is all my dreams -- And I wish he were in Asia. - -- Dorothy Parker + -- Dorothy Parker, part 2 % My love runs by like a day in June, And he makes no friends of sorrows. @@ -9992,7 +9961,7 @@ He'll live his days where the sunbeams start Nor could storm or wind uproot him. My own dear love, he is all my heart -- And I wish somebody'd shoot him. - -- Dorothy Parker + -- Dorothy Parker, part 3 % My mother loved children -- she would have given anything if I had been one. @@ -10008,7 +9977,7 @@ He is jubilant as a flag unfurled -- Oh, a girl, she'd not forget him. My own dear love, he is all my world -- And I wish I'd never met him. - -- Dorothy Parker + -- Dorothy Parker, part 1 % "My pants just went on a wild rampage through a Long Island Bowling Alley!!" @@ -10020,8 +9989,7 @@ Which, being finished, here the story ends; But stories somehow lengthen when begun. -- Byron % -My theology, briefly, is that the universe was dictated but not -signed. +My theology, briefly, is that the universe was dictated but not signed. -- Christopher Morley % "My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies" @@ -10052,7 +10020,7 @@ villagers gathered around to hear what had passed. "At this time," said Nasrudin, "I only want to say that the King spoke to me." All the villagers but the stupidest ran off to spread the wonderful news. The remaining villager asked, "What did the King say to you?" "What he -said -- and quite distinctly, for everyone to hear -- was 'Get out of +said -- and quite distinctly, for everyone to hear -- was `Get out of my way!'" The simpleton was overjoyed; he had heard words actually spoken by the King, and seen the very man they were spoken to. % @@ -10089,10 +10057,10 @@ Let Einstein be!" restored the status quo. % Nature is by and large to be found out of doors, a location where, it cannot be argued, there are never enough comfortable chairs. - -- Fran Leibowitz + -- Fran Lebowitz % -Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's -character, give him power. +Nearly all men can stand adversity, but +if you want to test a man's character, give him power. -- Abraham Lincoln % Necessity is a mother. @@ -10106,7 +10074,7 @@ Never call a man a fool; borrow from him. % Never commit yourself! Let someone else commit you. % -Never count your chickens before they rip your lips off +Never count your chickens before they rip your lips off. % Never drink coke in a moving elevator. The elevator's motion coupled with the chemicals in coke produce hallucinations. People tend to @@ -10150,7 +10118,7 @@ Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes. % Never worry about theory as long as the machinery does what it's supposed to do. - -- R. A. Heinlein + -- Robert A. Heinlein % New crypt. See /usr/news/crypt. % @@ -10195,7 +10163,7 @@ Next to being shot at and missed, nothing is really quite as satisfying as an income tax refund. -- F. J. Raymond % -"Nice boy, but about as sharp as a sack of wet mice." +Nice boy, but about as sharp as a sack of wet mice. -- Foghorn Leghorn % Nihilism should commence with oneself. @@ -10235,7 +10203,7 @@ Ninety-Ninety Rule of Project Schedules: The first ninety percent of the task takes ninety percent of the time, and the last ten percent takes the other ninety percent. % -"Nirvana? Thats the place where the powers that be and their friends +Nirvana? That's the place where the powers that be and their friends hang out. -- Zonker Harris % @@ -10249,7 +10217,7 @@ effectively under such difficult conditions. -- Laurence J. Peter % "No, `Eureka' is Greek for `This bath is too hot.'" - -- Dr. Who + -- Doctor Who % No good deed goes unpunished. -- Clare Boothe Luce @@ -10269,7 +10237,7 @@ immigration is still the sincerest form of flattery. No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. -- Eleanor Roosevelt % -"No one gets too old to learn a new way of being stupid." +No one gets too old to learn a new way of being stupid. % No one has a higher opinion of him than he has. -- Greg Lehey, FreeBSDcon 1999 @@ -10300,6 +10268,7 @@ But Puff trapped the exception, and grew from naught again! (chorus) % No problem is so formidable that you can't just walk away from it. + -- C. Schulz % No problem is so large it can't be fit in somewhere. % @@ -10310,16 +10279,14 @@ occurrence different from the one identified by the given indication as an indication-applied occurrence." -- ALGOL 68 Report % -"No self-respecting fish would want to be wrapped in that kind of -paper." +No self-respecting fish would want to be wrapped in that kind of paper. -- Mike Royko on the Chicago Sun-Times after it was taken over by Rupert Murdoch % -Nobody can be exactly like me. Sometimes even I have trouble doing -it. +Nobody can be exactly like me. Sometimes even I have trouble doing it. -- Tallulah Bankhead % -NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION +NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION. % Nobody said computers were going to be polite. % @@ -10329,8 +10296,8 @@ substance of their people, for insurance companies to cheat the young and rob the old. -- Lewis Lapham % -Nobody wants constructive criticism. It's all we can do to put up with -constructive praise. +Nobody wants constructive criticism. +It's all we can do to put up with constructive praise. % Noncombatant, n.: A dead Quaker. @@ -10357,12 +10324,12 @@ then they put them all together, and if one didn't fit, why they chipped at it a bit, and everything was just fine ... -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" % -"Not Hercules could have knock'd out his brains, for he had none." - -- Shakespeare +Not Hercules could have knock'd out his brains, for he had none. + -- William Shakespeare % "Not only is this incomprehensible, but the ink is ugly and the paper is from the wrong kind of tree." - -- Professor W. + -- Professor W., EECS, George Washington University % Notes for a ballet, "The Spell": ... Suddenly Sigmund hears the flutter of wings, and a group of wild swans flies across the moon ... Sigmund @@ -10372,6 +10339,7 @@ careful not to make any poultry jokes ... -- Woody Allen % Nothing astonishes men so much as common sense and plain dealing. + -- Ralph Waldo Emerson % Nothing cures insomnia like the realization that it's time to get up. % @@ -10394,8 +10362,7 @@ Conscience makes egotists of us all. Nothing recedes like success. -- Walter Winchell % -Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited -love. +Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love. -- Charlie Brown % November, n.: @@ -10409,7 +10376,7 @@ I pray the double lock will keep; May no brick through the window break, And, no one rob me till I awake. % -"Now is the time for all good men to come to." +Now is the time for all good men to come to. -- Walt Kelly % Now that you've read Fortune's diet truths, you'll be prepared the next @@ -10621,10 +10588,10 @@ each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice. In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians -called it "Christmas" and went to church; the Jews called it "Hanukka" +called it "Christmas" and went to church; the Jews called it "Hanukkah" and went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People passing each other on the street would say "Merry Christmas!" or "Happy -Hanukka!" or (to the atheists) "Look out for the wall!" +Hanukkah!" or (to the atheists) "Look out for the wall!" -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide" % Once at a social gathering, Gladstone said to Disraeli, "I predict, @@ -10636,7 +10603,7 @@ Once Law was sitting on the bench And Mercy knelt a-weeping. "Clear out!" he cried, "disordered wench! Nor come before me creeping. -Upon you knees if you appear, +Upon your knees if you appear, 'Tis plain you have no standing here." Then Justice came. His Honor cried: @@ -10753,7 +10720,7 @@ One Page Principle: paper cannot be understood. -- Mark Ardis % -"One planet is all you get." +One planet is all you get. % One promising concept that I came up with right away was that you could manufacture personal air bags, then get a law passed requiring that @@ -10832,8 +10799,7 @@ is the study of carbon compounds that crawl. Osborn's Law: Variables won't; constants aren't. % -Others will look to you for stability, so hide when you bite your -nails. +Others will look to you for stability, so hide when you bite your nails. % O'Toole's Commentary on Murphy's Law: Murphy was an optimist. @@ -10875,7 +10841,7 @@ I can remember things that *have* happened before ... % Overdrawn? But I still have checks left! % -Overflow on /dev/null, please empty the bit bucket. +Overflow on /dev/null: please empty the bit bucket. % Overload -- core meltdown sequence initiated. % @@ -10923,7 +10889,7 @@ Parker's Law: Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone. % Parkinson's Fifth Law: - If there is a way to delay in important decision, the good + If there is a way to delay an important decision, the good bureaucracy, public or private, will find it. % Parkinson's Fourth Law: @@ -10957,7 +10923,7 @@ Patageometry, n.: The study of those mathematical properties that are invariant under brain transplants. % -Paul Revere was a tattle-tale +Paul Revere was a tattle-tale. % Paul's Law: In America, it's not how much an item costs, it's how much you @@ -11085,7 +11051,7 @@ probably get run over by a bus. Pity the meek, for they shall inherit the earth. -- Don Marquis % -"Plaese porrf raed." +Plaese porrf raed. -- Prof. Michael O'Longhlin, S.U.N.Y. Purchase % Plato, by the way, wanted to banish all poets from his proposed Utopia @@ -11138,7 +11104,7 @@ Host: Oh, the noise. Well that makes sense because there are no guns Police: No, the neighbors fled inland hours ago. Most of the recent complaints have come from Pittsburgh. Do you think you could ask the host to quiet things down? -Host: No Problem. (At this point, a Volkswagon bug with primitive +Host: No Problem. (At this point, a Volkswagen bug with primitive religious symbols drawn on the doors emerges from the living room and roars down the hall, past the police and onto the lawn, where it smashes into a tree. Eight guests tumble out @@ -11165,7 +11131,7 @@ Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river. -- Nikita Khrushchev % -Politics is like coaching a football team. you have to be smart enough +Politics is like coaching a football team. You have to be smart enough to understand the game but not smart enough to lose interest. % Polymer physicists are into chains. @@ -11195,7 +11161,7 @@ Positive, adj.: % Pound for pound, the amoeba is the most vicious animal on earth. % -"Power corrupts. Absolute power is kind of neat" +Power corrupts. Absolute power is kind of neat. -- John Lehman, Secretary of the Navy 1981-1987 % Power corrupts. And atomic power corrupts atomically. @@ -11254,7 +11220,6 @@ earned exam average has now dropped to a phenomenal 30% Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning. - -- Rich Cook % Proof techniques #1: Proof by Induction. @@ -11332,11 +11297,11 @@ POPI Punch Operator Immediately PVLC Punch Variable Length Card RASC Read And Shred Card RPM Read Programmers Mind -RSSC reduce speed, step carefully (for improved accuracy) -RTAB Rewind tape and break -RWDSK rewind disk +RSSC Reduce Speed, Step Carefully (for improved accuracy) +RTAB Rewind Tape and Break +RWDSK Rewind Disk RWOC Read Writing On Card -SCRBL scribble to disk - faster than a write +SCRBL Scribble to disk - faster than a write SLC Search for Lost Chord SPSW Scramble Program Status Word SRSD Seek Record and Scar Disk @@ -11363,8 +11328,6 @@ lifeboat, the other passengers will hurl him overboard by the end of the first day even if they have plenty of food and water. -- Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny" % -Pure drivel tends to drive ordinary drivel off of the TV screen. -% Pure drivel tends to drive ordinary drivel off the TV screen. % Pushing 40 is exercise enough. @@ -11387,9 +11350,6 @@ A: Seemed logical -- I didn't have any real intelligence. % Q: How many DEC repairmen does it take to fix a flat? A: Five; four to hold the car up and one to swap tires. -% -Q: How many DEC repairmen does it take to fix a flat? -A: Five; four to hold the car up and one to swap tires. Q: How long does it take? A: It's indeterminate. It will depend upon how many flats they've @@ -11408,10 +11368,10 @@ Q: How many heterosexual males does it take to screw in a light bulb in San Francisco? A: Both of them. % -Q: How many IBM cpu's does it take to do a logical right shift? +Q: How many IBM CPUs does it take to do a logical right shift? A: 33. 1 to hold the bits and 32 to push the register. % -Q: How many IBM CPU's does it take to execute a job? +Q: How many IBM CPUs does it take to execute a job? A: Four; three to hold it down, and one to rip its head off. % Q: How many IBM types does it take to change a light bulb? @@ -11424,7 +11384,7 @@ A: 100. Ten to do it, and 90 to write document number GC7500439-0001, Q: How many journalists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Three. One to report it as an inspired government program to bring light to the people, one to report it as a diabolical government - plot to deprive the poor of darkness, and one to win a pulitzer + plot to deprive the poor of darkness, and one to win a Pulitzer prize for reporting that Electric Company hired a lightbulb assassin to break the bulb in the first place. % @@ -11475,8 +11435,8 @@ A: Post the correct answer at once! We can't have people go on the only one who really knows that it was Francis Coppola, you have to inform the whole net right away! - -- Brad Templeton, "Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions - on Netiquette" + -- Brad Templeton, "Emily Postnews Answers Your + Questions on Netiquette" % Quality Control, n.: The process of testing one out of every 1,000 units coming off @@ -11497,14 +11457,14 @@ Quidquid latine dictum sit, altum viditur. % Quigley's Law: Whoever has any authority over you, no matter how small, will -atttempt to use it. +attempt to use it. % QUOTE OF THE DAY: ` % -"Qvid me anxivs svm?" +Qvid me anxivs svm? % QWERT (kwirt), n. [MW < OW qwertyuiop, a thirteenth]: 1. a unit of weight equal to 13 poiuyt avoirdupois (or 1.69 @@ -11540,11 +11500,12 @@ Guns aren't lawful; Nooses give; Gas smells awful; You might as well live. - -- Dorothy Parker + -- Dorothy Parker, "Resume", 1926 % -Re graphics: A picture is worth 10K words -- but only those to describe -the picture. Hardly any sets of 10K words can be adequately described -with pictures. +Re: Graphics: + A picture is worth 10K words -- but only those to describe + the picture. Hardly any sets of 10K words can be adequately + described with pictures. % Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself. @@ -11650,8 +11611,8 @@ Real World, The n.: be used in the same sentence as FORTRAN, COBOL, RPG, IBM, etc. 2. To programmers, the location of non-programmers and activities not related to programming. 3. A universe in which the standard dress is shirt and -tie and in which a person's working hours are defined as 9 to 5. 4. -The location of the status quo. 5. Anywhere outside a university. +tie and in which a person's working hours are defined as 9 to 5. +4. The location of the status quo. 5. Anywhere outside a university. "Poor fellow, he's left MIT and gone into the real world." Used pejoratively by those not in residence there. In conversation, talking of someone who has entered the real world is not unlike talking about a @@ -11671,8 +11632,7 @@ Reality is for those who can't face Science Fiction. Reality is just a convenient measure of complexity. -- Alvy Ray Smith % -"Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go -away". +"Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away". -- Philip K. Dick % "Really ?? What a coincidence, I'm shallow too!!" @@ -11716,8 +11676,7 @@ Reisner's Rule of Conceptual Inertia: Religion has done love a great service by making it a sin. -- Anatole France % -"Rembrandt's first name was Beauregard, which is why he never used -it." +Rembrandt's first name was Beauregard, which is why he never used it. -- Dave Barry % Remember: Silly is a state of Mind, Stupid is a way of Life. @@ -11752,14 +11711,14 @@ of chemical pollutant in their drinking water. That is why I pledge to do all that I can to protect the environment of this great nation of ours, and put prayer back in the schools, where it belongs. What we need is jobs, not empty promises. I realize I'm risking my political -career be being so outspoken on a sensitive issue such as the MX, but +career by being so outspoken on a sensitive issue such as the MX, but that's just the kind of straight-talking honest person I am, and I can't help it. -- Dave Barry, "On Presidential Politics" % Reporter (to Mahatma Gandhi): Mr Gandhi, what do you think of Western Civilization? -Gandhi: I think it would be a good idea. +Gandhi: I think it would be a good idea. % Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing. -- Wernher von Braun @@ -11868,7 +11827,7 @@ RULES OF EATING -- THE BRONX DIETER'S CREED can always eat it later. (10) Avoid any wine with a childproof cap. (11) Avoid blue food. - -- Richard Smit, "The Bronx Diet" + -- Richard Smith, "The Bronx Diet" % SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22 - Dec 21) You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless @@ -11913,7 +11872,7 @@ Save the whales. Collect the whole set. % Save the Whales -- Harpoon a Honda. % -"Saw a sign on a restaurant that said Breakfast, any time -- so I +Saw a sign on a restaurant that said Breakfast, any time -- so I ordered French Toast in the Renaissance. -- Steven Wright % @@ -11944,12 +11903,12 @@ pencil. Science is facts; just as houses are made of stones, so is science made of facts; but a pile of stones is not a house and a collection of facts is not necessarily science. - -- Henri Poincair'e + -- Henri Poincar'e % Science is what happens when preconception meets verification. % Scientists are people who build the Brooklyn Bridge and then buy it. - -- William Buckley + -- William F. Buckley % SCORPIO (Oct 23 - Nov 21) @@ -11959,7 +11918,7 @@ SCORPIO (Oct 23 - Nov 21) % Scott's first Law: No matter what goes wrong, it will probably look right. -% + Scott's second Law: When an error has been detected and corrected, it will be found to have been wrong in the first place. @@ -11980,7 +11939,7 @@ Screw up your courage! You've screwed up everything else. % Scrubbing floors and emptying bedpans has as much dignity as the Presidency. - -- Richard Nixon + -- Richard M. Nixon % Second Law of Business Meetings: If there are two possible ways to spell a person's name, you @@ -11990,7 +11949,7 @@ Corollary: If there is only one way to spell a name, you will spell it wrong, anyway. % -"Section 2.4.3.5 AWNS (Acceptor Wait for New Cycle State). +Section 2.4.3.5 AWNS (Acceptor Wait for New Cycle State). In AWNS the AH function indicates that it has received a multiline message byte. In AWNS the RFD message must be sent false and the DAC message @@ -11999,7 +11958,7 @@ must be sent passive true. (1) The ANRS if DAV is false (2) The AIDS if the ATN message is false and neither: (a) The LADS is active - (b) Nor LACS is active" + (b) Nor LACS is active -- from the IEEE Standard Digital Interface for Programmable Instrumentation @@ -12014,7 +11973,8 @@ Sightlessly seeking Some savage, spectacular suicide. -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" % -"See - the thing is - I'm an absolutist. I mean, kind of ... in a way ..." +"See - the thing is - I'm an absolutist. I mean, kind of ... +in a way ..." % Seleznick's Theory of Holistic Medicine: Ice Cream cures all ills. @@ -12062,7 +12022,7 @@ Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer. -- Swami X % Sex is the mathematics urge sublimated. - -- M. C. Reed. + -- M. C. Reed % Sex without love is an empty experience, but, as empty experiences go, it's one of the best. @@ -12071,7 +12031,7 @@ it's one of the best. Shamus, n. [Yiddish]: A shamus is a guy who takes care of handyman tasks around the temple, and makes sure everything is in working order. - A shamus is at the bottom of the pecking order of synagog + A shamus is at the bottom of the pecking order of synagogue functionaries, and there's a joke about that: A rabbi, to show his humility before God, cries out in the middle of a service, "Oh, Lord, I am nobody!" The cantor, not to be @@ -12124,7 +12084,8 @@ Show respect for age. Drink good Scotch for a change. Signals don't kill programs. Programs kill programs. % Signs of crime: screaming or cries for help. - -- from the Brown Security Crime Prevention Pamphlet + -- from the Brown University Security Crime Prevention + Pamphlet % Silverman's Law: If Murphy's Law can go wrong, it will. @@ -12323,7 +12284,7 @@ best, with good grace and fine wit, on calm noons, in fair climes, are we not God's Machineries of Joy?" "If Blake said that", said Father Brian, "he never lived in Dublin." - -- R. Bradbury, "The Machineries of Joy" + -- Ray Bradbury, "The Machineries of Joy" % Song Title of the Week: "They're putting dimes in the hole in my head to see the change @@ -12339,7 +12300,7 @@ Sorry, no fortune this time. Space is big. You just won't believe how vastly, hugely, mind- bogglingly big it is. I mean, you may think it's a long way down the road to the drug store, but that's just peanuts to space. - -- "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" + -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" % "Spare no expense to save money on this one." -- Samuel Goldwyn @@ -12433,7 +12394,7 @@ Spend extra time on hobby. Get plenty of rolling papers. Spirtle, n.: The fine stream from a grapefruit that always lands right in your eye. - -- Sniglets, "Rich Hall & Friends" + -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" % Spouse, n.: Someone who'll stand by you through all the trouble you @@ -12449,7 +12410,7 @@ Stay away from flying saucers today. % Stay away from hurricanes for a while. % -"Stealing a rhinoceros should not be attempted lightly." +Stealing a rhinoceros should not be attempted lightly. % Steele's Plagiarism of Somebody's Philosophy: Everybody should believe in something -- I believe I'll have @@ -12560,7 +12521,7 @@ Tact, n.: Take everything in stride. Trample anyone who gets in your way. % Take heart amid the deepening gloom that your dog is finally getting -enough cheese +enough cheese. -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata" % Take it easy, we're in a hurry. @@ -12609,8 +12570,8 @@ Taxes, n.: Of life's two certainties, the only one for which you can get an extension. % -Teach children to be polite and courteous in the home, and, when he -grows up, he will never be able to edge his car onto a freeway. +Teach children to be polite and courteous in the home, and, when they +grow up, they will never be able to edge a car onto a freeway. % Teamwork is essential -- it allows you to blame someone else. % @@ -12657,7 +12618,7 @@ hand were unwilling to risk offending God's grandmother." % Tertullian was born in Carthage somewhere about 160 A.D. He was a pagan, and he abandoned himself to the lascivious life of his city -until about his 35th year, when he became a Christian .... To him is +until about his 35th year, when he became a Christian ... To him is ascribed the sublime confession: Credo quia absurdum est (I believe because it is absurd). This does not altogether accord with historical fact, for he merely said: @@ -12668,9 +12629,9 @@ fact, for he merely said: Thanks to the acuteness of his mind, he saw through the poverty of philosophical and Gnostic knowledge, and contemptuously rejected it. - -- C. G. Jung, in Psychological Types + -- C. G. Jung, "Psychological Types" -(Tertullian was one of the founders of the Catholic Church). + [Tertullian was one of the founders of the Catholic Church. Ed.] % Test-tube babies shouldn't throw stones. % @@ -12740,7 +12701,7 @@ The Army needs leaders the way a foot needs a big toe. The assertion that "all men are created equal" was of no practical use in effecting our separation from Great Britain and it was placed in the Declaration not for that, but for future use. - -- Abraham Lincoln + -- Abraham Lincoln % The average income of the modern teenager is about 2 a.m. % @@ -12784,7 +12745,7 @@ Lover's Patties would be compressed into wads and sold as "Nuggets." The best book on programming for the layman is "Alice in Wonderland"; but that's because it's the best book on anything for the layman. % -The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep. +The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep. -- W. C. Fields % The best defense against logic is ignorance. @@ -12802,7 +12763,7 @@ wags it. That is the only thing which the mind can never exhaust, never alienate, never be tortured by, never fear or distrust, and never dream of regretting. Learning is the only thing for you. Look what a lot of things there are to learn." - -- T.H. White, "The Once and Future King" + -- T. H. White, "The Once and Future King" % The best way to make a fire with two sticks is to make sure one of them is a match. @@ -12861,13 +12822,14 @@ inventions have no other apparent purpose, for example, the dinner party of more than two, the epic poem, and the science of metaphysics. -- H. L. Mencken % -"The chain which can be yanked is not the eternal chain." +The chain which can be yanked is not the eternal chain. -- G. Fitch % The chicken that clucks the loudest is the one most likely to show up at the steam fitters' picnic. % The chief cause of problems is solutions. + -- Eric Sevareid % The chief danger in life is that you may take too may precautions. -- Alfred Adler @@ -12907,10 +12869,9 @@ talked about. % The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity. % -The cost of living is going up, and the chance of living is going -down. +The cost of living is going up, and the chance of living is going down. % -The cow is nothing but a machine with makes grass fit for us people to +The cow is nothing but a machine which makes grass fit for us people to eat. -- John McNulty % @@ -12943,7 +12904,7 @@ out again, it would be a calamity." The difference between science and the fuzzy subjects is that science requires reasoning while those other subjects merely require scholarship. - -- Robert Heinlein + -- Robert A. Heinlein % The distinction between Jewish and goyish can be quite subtle, as the following quote from Lenny Bruce illustrates: @@ -13144,6 +13105,7 @@ man in the bonds of Hell." % The good die young -- because they see it's no use living if you've got to be good. + John Barrymore % The government [is] extremely fond of amassing great quantities of statistics. These are raised to the _nth degree, the cube roots are @@ -13155,7 +13117,7 @@ down anything he damn well pleases. % The grand leap of the whale up the Fall of Niagara is esteemed, by all who have seen it, as one of the finest spectacles in nature. - -- Benjamin Franklin. + -- Benjamin Franklin % The Great Bald Swamp Hedgehog: The Great Bald Swamp Hedgehog of Billericay displays, in @@ -13173,8 +13135,7 @@ The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax. -- Albert Einstein % The hearing ear is always found close to the speaking tongue, a custom -whereof the memory of man runneth not howsomever to the contrary, -nohow. +whereof the memory of man runneth not howsomever to the contrary, nohow. % The Heineken Uncertainty Principle: You can never be sure how many beers you had last night. @@ -13194,8 +13155,8 @@ lists of "Ten Best". has gills through which it can see." -- Monty Python % -The human mind ordinarily operates at only ten percent of its capacity --- the rest is overhead for the operating system. +The human mind ordinarily operates at only ten percent of its +capacity -- the rest is overhead for the operating system. % The human mind treats a new idea the way the body treats a strange protein -- it rejects it. @@ -13281,9 +13242,9 @@ They shrink from powders and from paints ... So far, I've had no complaints. -- Dorothy Parker % -"The last time somebody said, `I find I can write much better with a -word processor.', I replied, `They used to say the same thing about -drugs.' +The last time somebody said, "I find I can write much better with a +word processor," I replied, "They used to say the same thing about +drugs." -- Roy Blount, Jr. % The Law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich, as well as the @@ -13299,7 +13260,7 @@ law free. men should behave as though the law compelled him. But it is the universal weakness of mankind that what we are given to administer we presently imagine we own." - -- H.G. Wells + -- H. G. Wells % The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlight of an approaching train. @@ -13329,7 +13290,7 @@ one has ever been. % The man who sets out to carry a cat by its tail learns something that will always be useful and which never will grow dim or doubtful. - -- Mark Twain. + -- Mark Twain % The marvels of today's modern technology include the development of a soda can, when discarded will last forever ... and a $7,000 car which @@ -13347,8 +13308,7 @@ law that any field that had the word "science" in its name was guaranteed thereby not to be a science. He would cite as examples Military Science, Library Science, Political Science, Homemaking Science, Social Science, and Computer Science. Discuss the generality -of this law, and possible reasons for its predictive -power. +of this law, and possible reasons for its predictive power. -- Gerald Weinberg, "An Introduction to General Systems Thinking." % @@ -13366,8 +13326,8 @@ The moon may be smaller than Earth, but it's further away. lower the mailing cost." -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary" % -The more laws and order are made prominent, the more thieves and -robbers there will be. +The more laws and order are made prominent, +the more thieves and robbers there will be. -- Lao Tsu % The more things change, the more they stay insane. @@ -13442,7 +13402,7 @@ analyze all situations, anticipate all problems prior to their occurrence, have answers for these problems, and move swiftly to solve these problems when called upon. -However, When you are up to your ass in alligators it is difficult to +However, when you are up to your ass in alligators it is difficult to remind yourself your initial objective was to drain the swamp. % The Official MBA Handbook on business cards: @@ -13485,9 +13445,9 @@ The only thing to do with good advice is pass it on. It is never any use to oneself. -- Oscar Wilde % -"The only thing we learn from history is that we learn nothing from +The only thing we learn from history is that we learn nothing from history." - -- Hegel + -- Friedrich Hegel "I know guys can't learn from yesterday ... Hegel must be taking the long view." @@ -13500,7 +13460,7 @@ The opossum is a very sophisticated animal. It doesn't even get up until 5 or 6 p.m. % The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth. - -- Bohr + -- Niels Bohr % The optimum committee has no members. -- Norman Augustine @@ -13542,8 +13502,7 @@ social function of expressing true distaste. -- Judith Martin, "Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior" % -"The porcupine with the sharpest quills gets stuck on a tree more -often." +The porcupine with the sharpest quills gets stuck on a tree more often. % The Preacher, the Politician, the Teacher, Were each of them once a kiddie. @@ -13584,6 +13543,7 @@ represents the secondary theme: The overall theme of SoupCon shall be: Avoiding Communication with Law Enforcement Officials + -- M. Gallaher % The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action. @@ -13627,8 +13587,8 @@ the insurance before running off to Germany where it lives in hiding. "The pyramid is opening!" "Which one?" "The one with the ever-widening hole in it!" - -- Firesign Theater, "How Can You Be In Two Places At - Once When You're Not Anywhere At All" + -- The Firesign Theatre, "How Can You Be In Two Places + At Once When You're Not Anywhere At All" % The qotc (quote of the con) was Liz's: "My brain is paged out to my liver" @@ -13643,6 +13603,7 @@ The rain it raineth on the just And also on the unjust fella, But chiefly on the just, because The unjust steals the just's umbrella. + -- Lord Bowen % The reader this message encounters not failing to understand is cursed. @@ -13657,7 +13618,7 @@ Food and Gravel", which is what it tastes like. % The reason we come up with new versions is not to fix bugs. It's absolutely not. - -- Bill Gates + -- Bill Gates % The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all @@ -13703,7 +13664,7 @@ one leg. The padanga is dying out because the female padanga doesn't take it too seriously. -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" % -The rule on staying alive as a forcaster is to give 'em a number or +The rule on staying alive as a forecaster is to give 'em a number or give 'em a date, but never give 'em both at once. -- Jane Bryant Quinn % @@ -13713,16 +13674,16 @@ The Schwine-Kitzenger Institute study of 47 men over the age of 100 showed that all had these things in common: (1) They all had moderate appetites. - (2) They all came from middle class homes + (2) They all came from middle class homes. (3) All but two of them were dead. % The scum also rises. - -- Dr. Hunter S. Thompson + -- Hunter S. Thompson % The seven deadly sins ... Food, clothing, firing, rent, taxes, -respectability and children. Nothing can lift those seven milestones -from man's neck but money; and the spirit cannot soar until the -milestones are lifted. +respectability and children. Nothing can lift those seven millstones +from Man's neck but money; and the spirit cannot soar until the +millstones are lifted. -- George Bernard Shaw % The Seventh Commandments for Technicians @@ -13843,7 +13804,7 @@ The Third Law: You can only break even at absolute zero. % The trouble with a kitten is that When it grows up, it's always a cat - -- Ogden Nash. + -- Ogden Nash % The trouble with being poor is that it takes up all your time. % @@ -13874,6 +13835,7 @@ In such a fix to be so fertile. % "The two most common things in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity." + -- Harlan Ellison % The typewriting machine, when played with expression, is no more annoying than the piano when played by a sister or near relation. @@ -13918,7 +13880,7 @@ The very powerful and the very stupid have one thing in common. Instead of altering their views to fit the facts, they alter the facts to fit their views ... which can be very uncomfortable if you happen to be one of the facts that needs altering. - -- Dr. Who, "Face of Evil" + -- Doctor Who, "Face of Evil" % "The voters have spoken, the bastards ..." % @@ -13947,7 +13909,7 @@ The world is coming to an end! Repent and return those library books! The world is coming to an end ... SAVE YOUR BUFFERS!!! % The world's as ugly as sin, -And almost as delightful +And almost as delightful. -- Frederick Locker-Lampson % The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of @@ -13981,7 +13943,7 @@ and praiseworthy ... There are many intelligent species in the universe. They all own cats. % -There are no data that cannot be plotted on a straight line if the axis +There are no data that cannot be plotted on a straight line if the axes are chosen correctly. % There are no games on this system. @@ -13991,10 +13953,11 @@ existence of a "hottest part" implies a temperature difference, and any marginally competent physicist would immediately use this to run a heat engine and make some other part of hell comfortably cool. This is obviously impossible. - -- Richard Davisson + -- Richard Davisson % There are people so addicted to exaggeration that they can't tell the truth without lying. + -- Josh Billings % There are really not many jobs that actually require a penis or a vagina, and all other occupations should be open to everyone. @@ -14013,8 +13976,8 @@ stick your fingers up your nose and blow, it will increase your intelligence." -- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Volume VII % -There are three kinds of lies: Lies, Damn Lies, and Statistics. - -- Disraeli +There are three kinds of lies: Lies, Damned Lies, and Statistics. + -- Benjamin Disraeli % "There are three possibilities: Pioneer's solar panel has turned away from the sun; there's a large meteor blocking transmission; or someone @@ -14130,16 +14093,14 @@ war hold him in check. And also the wife who wants him home by five, of course. -- Encyclopedia Apocryphia, 1990 ed. % -"There is no reason for any individual to have a computer in their -home." +There is no reason for any individual to have a computer in their home. -- Ken Olsen, President of DEC, World Future Society Convention, 1977 % There is no satisfaction in hanging a man who does not object to it. -- George Bernard Shaw % -There is no substitute for good manners, except, perhaps, fast -reflexes. +There is no substitute for good manners, except, perhaps, fast reflexes. % There is no such thing as fortune. Try again. % @@ -14149,7 +14110,7 @@ There is no time like the present for postponing what you ought to be doing. % There is no TRUTH. There is no REALITY. There is no CONSISTENCY. -There are no ABSOLUTE STATEMENTS I'm very probably wrong. +There are no ABSOLUTE STATEMENTS. I'm very probably wrong. % "There is nothing which cannot be answered by means of my doctrine," said a monk, coming into a teahouse where Nasrudin sat. "And yet just @@ -14190,7 +14151,7 @@ And now he's a College Professor. % "There was a boy called Eustace Clarence Scrubb, and he almost deserved it." - -- C. S. Lewis, The Chronicles of Narnia + -- C. S. Lewis, "The Chronicles of Narnia" % There was a plane crash over mid-ocean, and only three survivors were left in the life-raft: the Pope, the President, and Mayor Daley. @@ -14276,7 +14237,7 @@ whole lives, win, lose, or draw. There's no future in time travel. % There's no point in being grown up if you can't be childish sometimes. - -- Dr. Who + -- Doctor Who % There's no real need to do housework -- after four years it doesn't get any worse. @@ -14285,7 +14246,7 @@ There's no room in the drug world for amateurs. % There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you. - -- Will Rodgers + -- Will Rogers % "There's nothing in the middle of the road but a yellow stripe and dead armadillos." @@ -14316,7 +14277,7 @@ used to, and half the time they aren't even fit to drink. % They also surf who only stand on waves. % -"They make a desert and call it peace." +They make a desert and call it peace. -- Tacitus (55?-120?) % They spell it "da Vinci" and pronounce it "da Vinchy". Foreigners @@ -14370,14 +14331,14 @@ April, June, and no wonder. all the rest have peanut butter except my father who wears red suspenders." % -This Fortue Examined By INSPECTOR NO. 2-14 -% This fortune cookie program out of order. For those in desperate need, please use the program "________randchar". This program generates random characters, and, given enough time, will undoubtedly come up with something profound. It will, however, take it no time at all to be more profound than THIS program has ever been. % +This Fortune Examined By INSPECTOR NO. 2-14 +% This fortune intentionally not included. % This fortune is false. @@ -14440,7 +14401,7 @@ you forget. Our target is 300 new fortunes by the end of the week. Don't miss out. All fortunes will be acknowledged. If you contribute 30 fortunes or more, you will receive a free subscription to "The Fortune Hunter", our monthly program guide. If you contribute 50 or -more, you will receive a free "Fortune Hunter" coffee mug .... +more, you will receive a free "Fortune Hunter" coffee mug ... % This is the first numerical problem I ever did. It demonstrates the power of computers: @@ -14475,7 +14436,7 @@ This is your fortune. This land is full of trousers! this land is full of mausers! And pussycats to eat them when the sun goes down! - -- Firesign Theater + -- The Firesign Theatre % This land is made of mountains, This land is made of mud, @@ -14518,7 +14479,7 @@ student newspaper, of Tuesday, 3/10/87. which identifies errors in the original program. % This sentence contradicts itself -- no actually it doesn't. - -- Hofstadter + -- Douglas Hofstadter % This will be a memorable month -- no matter how hard you try to forget it. @@ -14530,7 +14491,7 @@ Those who can, do. Those who can't, simulate. % Those who can't write, write manuals. % -"Those who do not do politics will be done in by politics." +Those who do not do politics will be done in by politics. -- French Proverb % Those who do not understand Unix are condemned to reinvent it, poorly. @@ -14546,8 +14507,8 @@ surprised and appalled to find themselves the instigators of law. % Those who in quarrels interpose, must often wipe a bloody nose. % -Those who make peaceful revolution impossible will make violent -revolution inevitable. +Those who make peaceful revolution impossible +will make violent revolution inevitable. -- John F. Kennedy % Those who profess to favor freedom, and yet deprecate agitation, are @@ -14597,7 +14558,7 @@ To envision how a 4-processor system running [SunOS] 4.1.x works, think of four kids and one bathroom. -- John DiMarco % -"To err is human, to forgive, beyond the scope of the Operating System" +To err is human, to forgive, beyond the scope of the Operating System. % To err is human, to forgive is Not Company Policy. % @@ -14616,6 +14577,7 @@ To invent, you need a good imagination and a pile of junk. -- Thomas Edison % To iterate is human, to recurse, divine. + -- Robert Heller % To the best of my recollection, Senator, I can't recall. % @@ -14625,7 +14587,7 @@ a test load. To those accustomed to the precise, structured methods of conventional system development, exploratory development techniques may seem messy, inelegant, and unsatisfying. But it's a question of congruence: -precision and flexibility may be just as disfunctional in novel, +precision and flexibility may be just as dysfunctional in novel, uncertain situations as sloppiness and vacillation are in familiar, well-defined ones. Those who admire the massive, rigid bone structures of dinosaurs should remember that jellyfish still enjoy their very @@ -14660,11 +14622,11 @@ Today is a good day to bribe a high-ranking public official. % Today is National Existential Ennui Awareness Day. % -Today is the first day of the rest of the mess +Today is the first day of the rest of the mess. % Today is the first day of the rest of your lossage. % -Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday +Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday. % "Today, of course, it is considered very poor taste to use the F-word except in major motion pictures." @@ -14718,8 +14680,8 @@ Top 10 things likely to be overheard if you had a Klingon Programmer: are too sophisticated for a Romulan pig like you to understand. 2) You cannot truly appreciate Dilbert unless you've read it in the original Klingon. - 1) Our users will know fear and cower before our software! Ship it! Ship - it and let them flee like the dogs they are! + 1) Our users will know fear and cower before our software! Ship it! + Ship it and let them flee like the dogs they are! % Top scientists agree that with the present rate of consumption, the earth's supply of gravity will be exhausted before the 24th century. @@ -14734,7 +14696,7 @@ Follow these simple suggestions: (2) Use tape, magnets, or glue instead of paperweights. (3) Give up skiing and skydiving for more horizontal sports like curling. -(4) Avoid showers .. take baths instead. +(4) Avoid showers ... take baths instead. (5) Don't hang all your clothes in the closet ... Keep them in one big pile. (6) Stop flipping pancakes @@ -14760,8 +14722,7 @@ Truthful, adj.: Try not to have a good time ... This is supposed to be educational. -- Charles Schulz % -Try to be the best of whatever you are, even if what you are is no -good. +Try to be the best of whatever you are, even if what you are is no good. % Try to find the real tense of the report you are reading: Was it done, is it being done, or is something to be done? Reports are now written @@ -14794,7 +14755,7 @@ TV is chewing gum for the eyes. 'Twas midnight, and the UNIX hacks Did gyre and gimble in their cave All mimsy was the CS-VAX -And Cory raths outgrabe. +And Cory raths outgrave. "Beware the software rot, my son! The faults that bite, the jobs that thrash! @@ -14898,7 +14859,7 @@ unix soit qui mal y pense % UNIX was half a billion (500000000) seconds old on Tue Nov 5 00:53:20 1985 GMT (measuring since the time(2) epoch). - -- Andy Tannenbaum + -- Andrew S. Tanenbaum % Unnamed Law: If it happens, it must be possible. @@ -14909,7 +14870,7 @@ twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages. % Usage: fortune -P [] -a [xsz] [Q: [file]] [rKe9] -v6[+] dataspec ... inputdir % -User n.: +User, n.: A programmer who will believe anything you tell him. % USER, n.: @@ -14977,22 +14938,23 @@ VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept 22) "Virtual" means never knowing where your next byte is coming from. % Virtue is its own punishment. + -- Denniston % Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by spontaneously moving from where you left them to where you can't find them. % -Vitamin C deficiency is apauling +Vitamin C deficiency is apauling. % VMS is like a nightmare about RSX-11M. % -Vote anarchist +Vote anarchist. % Vote for ME -- I'm well-tapered, half-cocked, ill-conceived and TAX-DEFERRED! % VYARZERZOMANIMORORSEZASSEZANSERAREORSES? % -"Wagner's music is better than it sounds." +Wagner's music is better than it sounds. -- Mark Twain % Waiter: "Tea or coffee, gentlemen?" @@ -15061,7 +15023,7 @@ theorem." -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 % "We are upping our standards ... so up yours." - -- Pat Paulsen for President, 1988. + -- Pat Paulsen for President, 1988 % We can defeat gravity. The problem is the paperwork involved. % @@ -15086,7 +15048,7 @@ We gave you an atomic bomb, what do you want, mermaids? "We had it tough ... I had to get up at 9 o'clock at night, half an hour before I went to bed, eat a lump of dry poison, work 29 hours down mill, and when we came home our Dad would kill us, and dance about on -our grave singing Haleleuia ..." +our grave singing Hallelujah ... -- Monty Python % We have met the enemy, and he is us. @@ -15146,9 +15108,9 @@ friends are trying to kill us. We will have solar energy as soon as the utility companies solve one technical problem -- how to run a sunbeam through a meter. % -we will invent new lullabies, new songs, new acts of love, +We will invent new lullabies, new songs, new acts of love, we will cry over things we used to laugh & -our new wisdom will bring tears to eyes of gentile +our new wisdom will bring tears to eyes of gentle creatures from other planets who were afraid of us till then & in the end a summer with wild winds & new friends will be. @@ -15179,12 +15141,12 @@ Weiner's Law of Libraries: % Welcome thy neighbor into thy fallout shelter. He'll come in handy if you run out of food. - -- Dean McLaughlin. + -- Dean McLaughlin % "Well," Brahma said, "even after ten thousand explanations, a fool is no wiser, but an intelligent man requires only two thousand five hundred." - -- The Mahabharata. + -- The Mahabharata % "We'll cross out that bridge when we come back to it later." % @@ -15206,7 +15168,7 @@ Well, I would -- if they realized that we -- again if -- if we led them back to that stalemate only because our retaliatory power, our seconds, or strike at them after our first strike, would be so destructive they they couldn't afford it, that would hold them off. - -- President Ronald Reagan, on the MX missile + -- Ronald Reagan, on the MX missile % "Well, if you can't believe what you read in a comic book, what *___can* you believe?!" @@ -15232,7 +15194,7 @@ Now you might think that unlike VAXen I'd know who I abuse, "Piece of cake, Master? Radial slice of baked confection ... coefficient of relevance to Key of Time: zero." - -- Dr. Who + -- Doctor Who % We're deep into the holiday gift-giving season, as you can tell from the fact that everywhere you look, you see jolly old St. Nick urging @@ -15280,7 +15242,7 @@ What garlic is to salad, insanity is to art. "What George Washington did for us was to throw out the British, so that we wouldn't have a fat, insensitive government running our country. Nice try anyway, George." - -- D.J. on KSFO/KYA + -- D. J. on KSFO/KYA % What good is a ticket to the good life, if you can't find the entrance? @@ -15306,6 +15268,7 @@ flush one of the toilets. Perhaps several of them. -- Dave Barry, "Saving Face" % What I tell you three times is true. + -- Lewis Carroll % "What I think is that the F-word is basically just a convenient nasty- sounding word that we tend to use when we would really like to come up @@ -15347,7 +15310,7 @@ and the establishment of a Hilton on its peak. -- Bloom County % "What is the robbing of a bank compared to the FOUNDING of a bank?" - -- Bertold Brecht + -- Bertolt Brecht % "What is wanted is not the will to believe, but the will to find out, which is the exact opposite." @@ -15381,9 +15344,6 @@ What the world *really* needs is a good Automatic Bicycle Sharpener. % What this country needs is a dime that will buy a good five-cent bagel. % -What this country needs is a dime that will buy a good five-cent -bagel. -% What this country needs is a good five cent ANYTHING! % What this country needs is a good five cent microcomputer. @@ -15428,7 +15388,7 @@ cockroaches!" -- Steven Wright % "What's the use of a good quotation if you can't change it?" - -- Dr. Who + -- Doctor Who % When a Banker jumps out of a window, jump after him -- that's where the money is. @@ -15436,7 +15396,7 @@ money is. % When a fellow says, "It ain't the money but the principle of the thing," it's the money. - -- Kim Hubbard + -- Kin Hubbard % When a fly lands on the ceiling, does it do a half roll or a half loop? @@ -15444,7 +15404,7 @@ loop? When a place gets crowded enough to require ID's, social collapse is not far away. It is time to go elsewhere. The best thing about space travel is that it made it possible to go elsewhere. - -- Robert Heinlein + -- Robert A. Heinlein, "Time Enough For Love" % When a shepherd goes to kill a wolf, and takes his dog along to see the sport, he should take care to avoid mistakes. The dog has certain @@ -15518,7 +15478,7 @@ go to pieces like this but we all have to do it. % When in doubt, do what the President does -- guess. % -"When in doubt, tell the truth." +When in doubt, tell the truth. -- Mark Twain % When in doubt, use brute force. @@ -15553,7 +15513,7 @@ your boss is away and you get twice as much done. When someone says "I want a programming language in which I need only say what I wish done," give him a lollipop. % -"When the going gets tough, the tough get empirical" +When the going gets tough, the tough get empirical. -- Jon Carroll % When the government bureau's remedies don't match your problem, you @@ -15604,10 +15564,10 @@ swayed, directly to the goal. When you don't know what you are doing, do it neatly. % When you have an efficient government, you have a dictatorship. - -- Harry Truman + -- Harry S. Truman % "When you have to kill a man it costs nothing to be polite." - -- Winston Churchill, On formal declarations of war + -- Winston Churchill, on formal declarations of war % When you know absolutely nothing about the topic, make your forecast by asking a carefully selected probability sample of 300 others who don't @@ -15633,7 +15593,7 @@ Whenever anyone says, "theoretically", they really mean, "not really". % Whenever I hear anyone arguing for slavery, I feel a strong impulse to see it tried on him personally. - -- A. Lincoln + -- Abraham Lincoln % Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong. -- Oscar Wilde @@ -15732,7 +15692,7 @@ have told you Mozart was a jerk for nothing." -- Ian Shoales % "Why be a man when you can be a success?" - -- Bertold Brecht + -- Bertolt Brecht % Why bother building any more nuclear warheads until we use the ones we have? @@ -15781,6 +15741,7 @@ because we are not the person involved" -- Mark Twain % Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song? + -- Stephen Wright % "Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?" -- Lily Tomlin @@ -15816,10 +15777,10 @@ Why You Can't Run When There's Trouble in the Office: No matter where you stand, no matter how far or fast you flee, when it hits the fan, as much as possible will be propelled in your direction, and almost none will be returned to the source. - -- John L. Shelton + -- John L. Shelton % Wiker's Law: - Government expands to absorb revenue and then some. + Government expands to absorb all available revenue and then some. % Williams and Holland's Law: If enough data is collected, anything may be proven by @@ -15838,7 +15799,7 @@ try to be a fraud and a half. -- Otto von Bismarck % With a rubber duck, one's never alone. - -- "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" + -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" % With all the fancy scientists in the world, why can't they just once build a nuclear balm? @@ -15885,14 +15846,13 @@ should not consider having anything removed. We hired you as you are, and to have anything removed would certainly make you less than we bargained for. % -Workers of the world, arise! You have nothing to lose but your -chairs. +Workers of the world, arise! You have nothing to lose but your chairs. % World War Three can be averted by adherence to a strictly enforced dress code! % Worst Month of 1981 for Downhill Skiing: - August. The lines are the shortest, though. + August. The lift lines are the shortest, though. -- Steve Rubenstein % Worst Month of the Year: @@ -15913,14 +15873,14 @@ year. % "Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?" -"That depends a good deal on where you want to get to," said the Cat +"That depends a good deal on where you want to get to," said the Cat. -- Lewis Carroll % -"Wouldn't the sentence 'I want to put a hyphen between the words Fish -and And and And and Chips in my Fish-And-Chips sign' have been clearer +Wouldn't the sentence "I want to put a hyphen between the words Fish +and And and And and Chips in my Fish-And-Chips sign" have been clearer if quotation marks had been placed before Fish, and between Fish and and, and and and And, and And and and, and and and And, and And and -and, and and and Chips, as well as after Chips?" +and, and and and Chips, as well as after Chips? % Write-Protect Tab, n.: A small sticker created to cover the unsightly notch carelessly @@ -15954,14 +15914,14 @@ goaded me beyond my inclination, and frequently beyond my ability in their endless search for "one more feature". Their irritating unwillingness to learn how to do things my way has usually led to my doing things their way; most of the time, they have been right. - -- S. C. Johnson, "Yacc guide acknowledgements" + -- Stephen C. Johnson, "Yacc guide acknowledgements" % Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of APL, I shall fear no evil, for I can string six primitive monadic and dyadic operators together. -- Steve Higgins % -"Yeah, but you're taking the universe out of context." +Yeah, but you're taking the universe out of context. % Year, n.: A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments. @@ -16092,7 +16052,7 @@ You are the only person to ever get this message. You are wise, witty, and wonderful, but you spend too much time reading this sort of trash. % -You buttered your bread, now lie in it. +You buttered your bread, now lie in it! % You can always tell the Christmas season is here when you start getting incredibly dense, tinfoil-and-ribbon- wrapped lumps in the mail. @@ -16111,8 +16071,8 @@ safety glasses. doesn't dim the lights when you turn it on." -- Hepler, Systems Design 182 % -You can create your own opportunities this week. Blackmail a senior -executive. +You can create your own opportunities this week. +Blackmail a senior executive. % "You can do this in a number of ways. IBM chose to do all of them. Why do you find that funny?" @@ -16174,8 +16134,7 @@ enough worrying about what's happening now. -- Charles Schulz, "Things I've Had to Learn Over and Over and Over" % -"You can't teach people to be lazy - either they have it, or they -don't." +"You can't teach people to be lazy - either they have it, or they don't." -- Dagwood Bumstead % You could get a new lease on life -- if only you didn't need the first @@ -16278,7 +16237,7 @@ or white plastic belts and shoes, unless you are going to a costume party disguised as a pig farmer vacationing at Disney World. -- Dave Barry, "How to Dress for Real Success" % -You might have mail +You might have mail. % You might like to know that I looked at a detailed map of NT, and I'm now able to confirm that in all probability Microsoft NT does not @@ -16310,7 +16269,7 @@ You possess a mind not merely twisted, but actually sprained. % You probably wouldn't worry about what people think of you if you could know how seldom they do. - -- Olin Miller. + -- Olin Miller % You should emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially if they are dead. @@ -16337,7 +16296,7 @@ another $2 if he claims it will be His Pleasure to serve you and another $2 for each "special" he describes involving confusing terms such as "shallots," and $4 if the menu contains the word "fixin's." In many restaurants, this means the waiter will actually owe you money. -If you are traveling with a child aged six months to three years, you +If you are traveling with a child aged six months to three years, you should leave an additional amount equal to twice the bill to compensate for the fact that they will have to take the banquette out and burn it because the cracks are wedged solid with gobbets made of partially @@ -16428,8 +16387,8 @@ YOW!! Everybody out of the GENETIC POOL! Zero Defects, n.: The result of shutting down a production line. % -Zounds! I was never so bethumped with words -since I first called my brother's father dad. +Zounds! I was never so bethump'd with words +since I first call'd my brother's father dad. -- William Shakespeare, "King John" % Zymurgy's Law of Volunteer Labor: diff --git a/games/fortune/datfiles/fortunes-o.real b/games/fortune/datfiles/fortunes-o.real index b622b8cba5..24624dff57 100644 --- a/games/fortune/datfiles/fortunes-o.real +++ b/games/fortune/datfiles/fortunes-o.real @@ -307,7 +307,7 @@ Reproached for not acting quite primly But it's such an entrancing facsimile." % A widow who fancied a man some -Was diddled three times in a hansome. +Was diddled three times in a hansom. When she clamored for more Her young man became sore And exclaimed "My name's Simpson not Samson." @@ -420,14 +420,6 @@ collars. % Bankers do it with interest (penalty for early withdrawal). % -"Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think -Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today? - - (1) Writing his memoirs of the Civil War. - (2) Advising the President. - (3) Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin." - -- David Letterman -% Be prepared... that's the Boy Scout's solemn creed. Be prepared... to be clean in word and deed. Don't solicit for your sister, that's not nice, @@ -518,7 +510,7 @@ G's Third Law: is composed of only two basic substances: magic and bullshit. H's Dictum: - There is no magic.... + There is no magic... % Claude believed that only smart attractive people had the right to fuck, and it sincerely hurt him when he discovered evidence to the @@ -707,7 +699,7 @@ punish him? Because George still had the axe in his hand. Getting an education at the University of California is like having $50.00 shoved up your ass, a nickel at a time. % -"Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company." +Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company. -- Mark Twain % God gives us relatives; thank goodness we can chose our friends. @@ -772,7 +764,7 @@ Haggis, n.: considered by them to be not only a delicacy but fit for human consumption. The minced heart, liver and lungs of a sheep, calf or other animal's inner organs are mixed with oatmeal, sealed and boiled -in maw in the sheep's intestinal stomach-bag and ... Excuse me a minute.... +in maw in the sheep's intestinal stomach-bag and ... Excuse me a minute ... % Hardly a pure science, history is closer to animal husbandry than it is to mathematics, in that it involves selective breeding. The principal @@ -855,10 +847,6 @@ longer a going concern, after from now on, Inoperative... THIS IS AN EX-PARROT!!" % -History has the relation to truth that theology has to religion -- -i.e., none to speak of. - -- Lazarus Long -% "How do you like the new America? We've cut the fat out of the government, and more recently the heart and brain (the backbone was gone some time ago). All we seem to have left now is muscle. We'll be @@ -872,7 +860,7 @@ Hugh Hefner is a virgin. I am an atheist, thank God! % I believe that Ronald Reagan will someday make this country what it -once was ... an arctic wilderness +once was ... an arctic wilderness. -- Steve Martin % I came; I saw; I fucked up. @@ -1020,7 +1008,7 @@ Ignorance is the Mother of Devotion. % I'm for peace -- I've yet to see a man wake up in the morning and say "I've just had a good war." - -- Mae West + -- Mae West % I'm going to Iowa for an award. Then I'm appearing at Carnegie Hall, it's sold out. Then I'm sailing to France to be honored by the French @@ -1091,7 +1079,7 @@ So when Satan rocks your boat, THROW Jesus overboard! Life is like a penis: when it's soft you can't beat it, and when it's hard you get fucked. % -Lisp hackers have to be bound (to-do 'it).... +Lisp hackers have to be bound (to-do 'it) ... % Living in Hollywood is like living in a bowl of granola. What ain't fruits and nuts is flakes. @@ -1157,7 +1145,7 @@ Obscenity is the crutch of inarticulate motherfuckers. % Occident, n.: The part of the world lying west (or east) of the Orient. It -is largely inhabited by Christians, powerful sub-tribe of the +is largely inhabited by Christians, a powerful sub-tribe of the Hypocrites, whose principal industries are murder and cheating, which they are pleased to call "war" and "commerce." These, also, are the principal industries of the Orient. @@ -1279,7 +1267,7 @@ A: You stand around in a circle and blaspheme and see who gets struck % Q: How do you tell if an elephant has been making love in your backyard? -A: If all your trashcan liners are missing.... +A: If all your trashcan liners are missing ... % Q: How do you tell if you're making love to a nurse, a schoolteacher, or an airline stewardess? @@ -1338,7 +1326,7 @@ reached for comment, but we chose not to listen." Randel, n.: A nonsensical poem recited by Irish schoolboys as an apology for farting at a friend. - -- Mrs. Byrne's Dictionary of Unusual, Obscure & + -- Mrs. Byrne's Dictionary of Unusual, Obscure, and Preposterous Words % Reagan can't _a_c_t, either. @@ -1625,7 +1613,7 @@ Let _P be a constant persuasion; "Let _V over _P be inverted With the square root of _M_u inserted - _N times into _V.... + _N times into _V ... The result, Q.E.D., Is a relative!" Einstein asserted. % @@ -1639,7 +1627,7 @@ are unimportant. -- Henry Miller % Sex is the poor man's opera. - -- G. B. Shaw + -- George Bernard Shaw % She asked me if I loved her still. "Yes," I replied. "I've never had you any other way." @@ -1760,12 +1748,6 @@ The United States Army: 194 years of proud service, unhampered by progress. % -The United States is like the guy at the party who gives cocaine to -everybody and still nobody likes him. - -- Jim Samuels -% -"The voters have spoken, the bastards...." -% "The whole world is about three drinks behind." -- Humphrey Bogart % @@ -2022,7 +2004,7 @@ This limerick is **SO**FILTHY** that it would offend you. So I'll put Di-dah, di-dah, di-dah di-dah, Di-dah di-dah di-dah, di-dah; - di-dah di-dah di-dah? + Di-dah di-dah di-dah? Di-dah di-dah di-dah. Di-dah di-dah, di-dah di-fuck. % @@ -2077,7 +2059,7 @@ opposite." Uppers are no longer stylish, methedrine is almost as rare as pure acid or DMT. "Consciousness Expansion" went out with LBJ and it is worth noting, historically, that downers came in with Nixon. - -- Dr. Hunter S. Thompson + -- Hunter S. Thompson % Vegetarians for oral sex -- "The only meat that's fit to eat" % @@ -2098,10 +2080,6 @@ We call our dog Egypt, because in every room he leaves a pyramid. hand." -- James Watt % -We have reason to believe that man first -walked upright to free his hands for masturbation. - -- Lily Tomlin -% "We should declare war on North Vietnam. We could pave the whole country and put parking strips on it, and still be home by Christmas." -- Ronald Reagan @@ -2237,7 +2215,7 @@ You can't underestimate the power of fear. % You come out of a woman and you spend the rest of your life trying to get back inside. - -- Heathcote Williams + -- Heathcote Williams % You have just returned from a trip to Green Bay, Wisconsin in January and tell your boss that nobody but whores and football players live diff --git a/games/fortune/datfiles/fortunes.sp.ok b/games/fortune/datfiles/fortunes.sp.ok index 33ed7e4797..17348b03bb 100644 --- a/games/fortune/datfiles/fortunes.sp.ok +++ b/games/fortune/datfiles/fortunes.sp.ok @@ -1309,7 +1309,6 @@ aspartylleucylleucylarginylglutaminylisoleucylalanylseryltyrosylglycylarginyl astrology ath atrium -atttempt ause ausgraben avoirdupois @@ -1331,7 +1330,6 @@ bedpans befriends bequeathin bertillion -bethumped bi bibles bingo @@ -1450,7 +1448,6 @@ ecamier ee eggnog ein -enobled enui er ergo @@ -1870,7 +1867,6 @@ swang sweeteners switchover sylmethionylleucylalanylalanylleucyllysylvalylphenylalanylvalyglutaminylproly -synagog synthetase syscalls tachyon @@ -1915,14 +1911,12 @@ tuppenny tween twixt tyg -tyrranize -ukelele +ukulele umsige unbegot und uns unvoist -uretheral urgin's ust v.intrans diff --git a/games/fortune/datfiles/fortunes2 b/games/fortune/datfiles/fortunes2 index 2c43ca149f..305392e156 100644 --- a/games/fortune/datfiles/fortunes2 +++ b/games/fortune/datfiles/fortunes2 @@ -1,7 +1,6 @@ This fortune brought to you by: $FreeBSD: src/games/fortune/datfiles/fortunes2,v 1.17.2.8 2002/10/19 05:10:15 fanf Exp $ $DragonFly: src/games/fortune/datfiles/fortunes2,v 1.6 2007/05/17 08:19:00 swildner Exp $ - % ======================================================================= || || @@ -118,12 +117,6 @@ either. If you need some help, give us a call. ( | |()| | )\ /|/ __\ |__|()|__| /__\______/|/ (vvv(vvvv)(vvvv)vvv)______|/ -% - DELETE A FORTUNE! -Don't some of these fortunes just drive you nuts?! -Wouldn't you like to see some of them deleted from the system? -You can! Just mail to `fortune' with the fortune you hate most, -and we'll make sure it gets expunged. % It's grad exam time... COMPUTER SCIENCE @@ -269,21 +262,6 @@ steel industries. :/ :#/\#/\#/\/ \#/\##\ : : /##/\#/ \/\#/\#/\#: \: " :/ V V " V \#\: : : :/#/ V " V V \: " " " " " \ : : : : / " " " " -% - Has your family tried 'em? - - POWDERMILK BISCUITS - - Heavens, they're tasty and expeditious! - - They're made from whole wheat, to give shy persons - the strength to get up and do what needs to be done. - - POWDERMILK BISCUITS - - Buy them ready-made in the big blue box with the picture of - the biscuit on the front, or in the brown bag with the dark - stains that indicate freshness. % Answers to Last Fortunes' Questions: 1) None. (Moses didn't have an ark). @@ -337,38 +315,6 @@ ripoff merchants." Comment on this insult. 6: "Castenada was a bit of a bozo." How far is this a fair summing up of western dualism? 7: Hermann Hesse was a Pisces. Discuss. -% - OUTCONERR -Twas FORTRAN as the doloop goes - Did logzerneg the ifthen block -All kludgy were the function flows - And subroutines adhoc. - -Beware the runtime-bug my friend - squrooneg, the false goto -Beware the infiniteloop - And shun the inprectoo. -% - Safety Tips for the Post-Nuclear Existence -1. Never use an elevator in a building that has been hit by a - nuclear bomb, use the stairs. -2. When you're flying through the air, remember to roll - when you hit the ground. -3. If you're on fire, avoid gasoline and other flammable materials. -4. Don't attempt communication with dead people; it will only lead - to psychological problems. -5. Food will be scarce, you will have to scavenge. Learn to recognize - foods that will be available after the bomb: mashed potatoes, - shredded wheat, tossed salad, ground beef, etc. -6. Put your hand over your mouth when you sneeze, internal organs - will be scarce in the post-nuclear age. -7. Try to be neat, fall only in designated piles. -8. Drive carefully in "Heavy Fallout" areas, people could be - staggering illegally. -9. Nutritionally, hundred dollar bills are equal to one's, but more - sanitary due to limited circulation. -10. Accumulate mannequins now, spare parts will be in short - supply on D-Day. % The Guy on the Right Doesn't Stand a Chance The guy on the right has the Osborne 1, a fully functional computer system @@ -392,7 +338,7 @@ a winner in the fight for office automatic weapons. % The Split-Atom Blues Gimme Twinkies, gimme wine, - Gimme jeans by Calvin Kline... + Gimme jeans by Calvin Klein... But if you split those atoms fine, Mama keep 'em off those genes of mine! Gimme zits, take my dough, @@ -400,22 +346,6 @@ Gimme zits, take my dough, Call the devil and sell my soul, But Mama keep dem atoms whole! -- Milo Bloom -% - THIS IS PLEDGE WEEK FOR THE FORTUNE PROGRAM - -If you like the fortune program, why not support it now with your contribution -of a pithy fortune, clean or obscene? We cannot continue without your support. -Less than 14% of all fortune users are contributors. That means that 86% of -you are getting a free ride. We can't go on like this much longer. Federal -cutbacks mean less money for fortunes, and unless user contributions increase -to make up the difference, the fortune program will have to shut down between -midnight and 8 a.m. Don't let this happen. Mail your fortunes right now to -`fortune'. Just type in your favorite pithy fortune. Do it now before you -forget. Our target is 300 new fortunes by the end of the week. Don't miss -out. All fortunes will be acknowledged. If you contribute 30 fortunes or -more, you will receive a free subscription to "The Fortune Hunter", our monthly -program guide. If you contribute 50 or more, you will receive a free "Fortune -Hunter" coffee mug! % What I Did During My Fall Semester On the first day of my fall semester, I got up. @@ -507,20 +437,6 @@ in vague detail the operation of the Famous Programmers' School, and you'll be eligible to win a possible chance to enter a drawing, the winner of which can vie for a set of free steak knives. If you don't do it now, you'll hate yourself in the morning. -% - ... This striving for excellence extends into people's -personal lives as well. When '80s people buy something, they buy the -best one, as determined by (1) price and (2) lack of availability. -Eighties people buy imported dental floss. They buy gourmet baking -soda. If an '80s couple goes to a restaurant where they have made a -reservation three weeks in advance, and they are informed that their -table is available, they stalk out immediately, because they know it is -not an excellent restaurant. If it were, it would have an enormous -crowd of excellence-oriented people like themselves waiting, their -beepers going off like crickets in the night. An excellent restaurant -wouldn't have a table ready immediately for anybody below the rank of -Liza Minnelli. - -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence" % ... with liberty and justice for all who can afford it. % @@ -584,23 +500,6 @@ imitations?" % A crow perched himself on a telephone wire. He was going to make a long-distance caw. -% - A disciple of another sect once came to Drescher as he was eating -his morning meal. "I would like to give you this personality test", said -the outsider, "because I want you to be happy." - Drescher took the paper that was offered him and put it into the -toaster -- "I wish the toaster to be happy too". -% - A doctor, an architect, and a computer scientist were arguing about -whose profession was the oldest. In the course of their arguments, they -got all the way back to the Garden of Eden, whereupon the doctor said, "The -medical profession is clearly the oldest, because Eve was made from Adam's -rib, as the story goes, and that was a simply incredible surgical feat." - The architect did not agree. He said, "But if you look at the Garden -itself, in the beginning there was chaos and void, and out of that the Garden -and the world were created. So God must have been an architect." - The computer scientist, who'd listened carefully to all of this, then -commented, "Yes, but where do you think the chaos came from?" % A farm in the country side had several turkeys, it was known as the house of seven gobbles. @@ -632,7 +531,7 @@ sadly, "runneth over." After being reported missing a day or two later, rangers found two bears, one a male, one a female, looking suspiciously overstuffed. They killed the female, autopsied her, and sure enough, found the German and the Pole. - "What do you think?" said the the first ranger. + "What do you think?" said the first ranger. "The Czech is in the male," replied the second. % A group of soldiers being prepared for a practice landing on a tropical @@ -696,7 +595,7 @@ would like on it. "Here lies an honest man and a lawyer," responded the lawyer. "Sorry, but I can't do that," replied the stonecutter. "In this state, it's against the law to bury two people in the same grave. However, -I could put ``here lies an honest lawyer'', if that would be okay." +I could put `here lies an honest lawyer', if that would be okay." "But that won't let people know who it is" protested the lawyer. "Certainly will," retorted the stonecutter. "people will read it and exclaim, "That's Strange!" @@ -807,6 +706,16 @@ employee. Lets promote him to the exalted position of management consultant!" so that I can program. If I were promoted, I would do nothing but waste everyone's time. Can I go now? I have a program that I'm working on." -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" +% + A manager went to his programmers and told them: "As regards to your +work hours: you are going to have to come in at nine in the morning and leave +at five in the afternoon." At this, all of them became angry and several +resigned on the spot. + So the manager said: "All right, in that case you may set your own +working hours, as long as you finish your projects on schedule." The +programmers, now satisfied, began to come in a noon and work to the wee +hours of the morning. + -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" % A manager went to the master programmer and showed him the requirements document for a new application. The manager asked the master: "How long will @@ -819,16 +728,6 @@ take it I assign ten programmers to it?" The master programmer shrugged. "Then the design will never be completed," he said. -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" -% - A manger went to his programmers and told them: "As regards to your -work hours: you are going to have to come in at nine in the morning and leave -at five in the afternoon." At this, all of them became angry and several -resigned on the spot. - So the manager said: "All right, in that case you may set your own -working hours, as long as you finish your projects on schedule." The -programmers, now satisfied, began to come in a noon and work to the wee -hours of the morning. - -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" % A master programmer passed a novice programmer one day. The master noted the novice's preoccupation with a hand-held computer game. "Excuse me", @@ -843,30 +742,6 @@ mysterious setting?" The master dropped the device to the ground and crushed it under foot. And suddenly the novice was enlightened. -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" -% - A master was explaining the nature of Tao to one of his novices. -"The Tao is embodied in all software -- regardless of how insignificant," -said the master. - "Is the Tao in a hand-held calculator?" asked the novice. - "It is," came the reply. - "Is the Tao in a video game?" continued the novice. - "It is even in a video game," said the master. - "And is the Tao in the DOS for a personal computer?" - The master coughed and shifted his position slightly. "The lesson -is over for today.", he said. - -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" -% - A master was explaining the nature of the Tao to one of his novices, -"The Tao is embodied in all software -- regardless of how insignificant," -said the master. - "Is the Tao in a hand-held calculator?" asked the novice. - "It is," came the reply. - "Is the Tao in a video game?" continued the novice. - "It is even in a video game," said the master. - "And is the Tao in the DOS for a personal computer?" - The master coughed and shifted his position slightly. "The lesson is -over for today," he said. - -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" % A MODERN FABLE @@ -894,25 +769,6 @@ MORAL OF THE STORY: Invest in foreign consumer electronics manufacturers. % A musical reviewer admitted he always praised the first show of a new theatrical season. "Who am I to stone the first cast?" -% - A musician of more ambition than talent composed an elegy at -the death of composer Edward MacDowell. She played the elegy for the -pianist Josef Hoffman, then asked his opinion. "Well, it's quite -nice," he replied, but don't you think it would be better if..." - "If what?" asked the composer. - "If ... if you had died and MacDowell had written the elegy?" -% - A novel approach is to remove all power from the system, which -removes most system overhead so that resources can be fully devoted to -doing nothing. Benchmarks on this technique are promising; tremendous -amounts of nothing can be produced in this manner. Certain hardware -limitations can limit the speed of this method, especially in the -larger systems which require a more involved & less efficient -power-down sequence. - An alternate approach is to pull the main breaker for the -building, which seems to provide even more nothing, but in truth has -bugs in it, since it usually inhibits the systems which keep the beer -cool. % A novice asked the Master: "Here is a programmer that never designs, documents, or tests his programs. Yet all who know him consider him one of @@ -972,12 +828,6 @@ but not the slightest mention of anything financial. When the master asked about this, the novice became indignant. "Don't be so impatient," he said, "I'll put the financial stuff in eventually." -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" -% - A novice was trying to fix a broken lisp machine by turning the -power off and on. Knight, seeing what the student was doing spoke sternly, -"You cannot fix a machine by just power-cycling it with no understanding -of what is going wrong." Knight turned the machine off and on. The -machine worked. % A Pole, a Soviet, an American, an Englishman and a Canadian were lost in a forest in the dead of winter. As they were sitting around a fire, they @@ -998,19 +848,13 @@ has killed them all. went out to be killed? The Pole pulls a bottle of vodka from the other side of his jacket. He smiles and replies, "Five men on one bottle -- too many." -% - A priest was walking along the cliffs at Dover when he came upon -two locals pulling another man ashore on the end of a rope. "That's what -I like to see", said the priest, "A man helping his fellow man". - As he was walking away, one local remarked to the other, "Well, -he sure doesn't know the first thing about shark fishing." % A program should be light and agile, its subroutines connected like a strings of pearls. The spirit and intent of the program should be retained throughout. There should be neither too little nor too much, neither needless loops nor useless variables, neither lack of structure nor overwhelming rigidity. - A program should follow the 'Law of Least Astonishment'. What is this + A program should follow the "Law of Least Astonishment". What is this law? It is simply that the program should always respond to the user in the way that astonishes him least. A program, no matter how complex, should act as a single unit. The @@ -1025,7 +869,7 @@ program. conference and then returned to report to his manager, saying: "What sort of programmers work for other companies? They behaved badly and were unconcerned with appearances. Their hair was long and unkempt and their -clothes were wrinkled and old. They crashed out hospitality suites and they +clothes were wrinkled and old. They crashed our hospitality suites and they made rude noises during my presentation." The manager said: "I should have never sent you to the conference. Those programmers live beyond the physical world. They consider life absurd, @@ -1115,7 +959,7 @@ secrets... so naturally British electronics leak smoke. -- Jack Banton, PCC Automotive Electrical School % A shy teenage boy finally worked up the nerve to give a gift to -Maddona, a young puppy. It hitched its waggin' to a star. +Madonna, a young puppy. It hitched its waggin' to a star. A girl spent a couple hours on the phone talking to her two best friends, Maureen Jones, and Maureen Brown. When asked by her father why she had been on the phone so long, she responded "I heard a funny story today @@ -1166,13 +1010,6 @@ his bowl and said, "My cereal's cold." The couple is stunned. The man, in tears, confronts his son. "Son, after all these years, why have you waited so long to say something?". Shrugs the kid, "Everything's been okay 'til now". -% - ACHTUNG!!! -Das machine is nicht fur gefingerpoken und mittengrabben. Ist easy -schnappen der springenwerk, blowenfusen und corkenpoppen mit -spitzensparken. Ist nicht fur gewerken by das dummkopfen. Das -rubbernecken sightseeren keepen hands in das pockets. Relaxen und -vatch das blinkenlights!!! % After sifting through the overwritten remaining blocks of Luke's home directory, Luke and PDP-1 sped away from /u/lars, across the surface of the @@ -1251,24 +1088,6 @@ perfect Latin. The crowd doesn't understand a word of it, but they're impressed and they cheer again. The Russian astronaut stomps out, clenches the podium until his knuckles turn white, glares at the first row and screams: "Anybody got a match?" -% - An architect's first work is apt to be spare and clean. He knows -he doesn't know what he's doing, so he does it carefully and with great -restraint. - As he designs the first work, frill after frill and embellishment -after embellishment occur to him. These get stored away to be used "next -time". Sooner or later the first system is finished, and the architect, -with firm confidence and a demonstrated mastery of that class of systems, -is ready to build a second system. - This second is the most dangerous system a man ever designs. When -he does his third and later ones, his prior experiences will confirm each -other as to the general characteristics of such systems, and their differences -will identify those parts of his experience that are particular and not -generalizable. - The general tendency is to over-design the second system, using all -the ideas and frills that were cautiously sidetracked on the first one. -The result, as Ovid says, is a "big pile". - -- Frederick Brooks, "The Mythical Man Month" % An eighty-year-old woman is rocking away the afternoon on her porch when she sees an old, tarnished lamp sitting near the steps. She @@ -1343,10 +1162,6 @@ three, being the third number, be reached then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who being naught in my sight, shall snuff it. -- Monty Python, "The Book of Armaments" -% - "And what will you do when you grow up to be as big as me?" -asked the father of his little son. - "Diet." % "Anything else, sir?" asked the attentive bellhop, trying his best to make the lady and gentleman comfortable in their penthouse suite in the @@ -1357,10 +1172,10 @@ posh hotel. a postcard?" % "Anything else you wish to draw to my attention, Mr. Holmes ?" - "The curious incident of the stable dog in the nightime." + "The curious incident of the stable dog in the nighttime." "But the dog did nothing in the nighttime." "That was the curious incident." - -- A. Conan Doyle, "Silver Blaze" + -- Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, "Silver Blaze" % Approaching the gates of the monastery, Hakuin found Ken the Zen preaching to a group of disciples. @@ -1393,46 +1208,8 @@ friends and family, and then justify this abhorrent behavior by saying: "Sure, I put your dog in the microwave. But I feel *better* for doing it." -- Bruce Feirstein, "Nice Guys Sleep Alone" -% - At a recent meeting in Snowmass, Colorado, a participant from -Los Angeles fainted from hyperoxygenation, and we had to hold his head -under the exhaust of a bus until he revived. -% - Before he became a hermit, Zarathud was a young Priest, and - took great delight in making fools of his opponents in front of -his followers. - One day Zarathud took his students to a pleasant pasture and -there he confronted The Sacred Chao while She was contentedly grazing. - "Tell me, you dumb beast," demanded the Priest in his -commanding voice, "why don't you do something worthwhile? What is your -Purpose in Life, anyway?" - Munching the tasty grass, The Sacred Chao replied "MU". (The -Chinese ideogram for NO-THING.) - Upon hearing this, absolutely nobody was enlightened. - Primarily because nobody understood Chinese. - -- Camden Benares, "Zen Without Zen Masters" -% - better !pout !cry - better watchout - lpr why - santa claus < north pole > town - - cat /etc/passwd > list - ncheck list - ncheck list - cat list | grep naughty > nogiftlist - cat list | grep nice > giftlist - santa claus < north pole > town - - who | grep sleeping - who | grep awake - who | grep bad || good - for (goodness sake) { - be good - } -% Brian Kernighan has an automobile which he helped design. -Unlike most automobiles, it has neither speedometer, nor gas guage, nor +Unlike most automobiles, it has neither speedometer, nor gas gauge, nor any of the numerous idiot lights which plague the modern driver. Rather, if the driver makes any mistake, a giant "?" lights up in the center of the dashboard. "The experienced driver", he says, "will @@ -1577,18 +1354,6 @@ Thanks, Kathy. (front desk, x17) p.s. Also, anyone ever used Noxema on friction burns? Or is Vaseline better? -% - "Don't come back until you have him", the Tick-Tock Man said quietly, -sincerely, extremely dangerously. - They used dogs. They used probes. They used cardio plate crossoffs. -They used teepers. They used bribery. They used stick tites. They used -intimidation. They used torment. They used torture. They used finks. -They used cops. They used search and seizure. They used fallaron. They -used betterment incentives. They used finger prints. They used the -bertillion system. They used cunning. They used guile. They used treachery. -They used Raoul-Mitgong but he wasn't much help. They used applied physics. -They used techniques of criminology. And what the hell, they caught him. - -- Harlan Ellison, "Repent, Harlequin, said the Tick-Tock Man" % Dr. Oliver Wendell Holmes of Harvard Medical School inhaled ether at a time when it was popularly supposed to produce such mystical or @@ -1644,7 +1409,7 @@ speaks in such a low voice I can hardly hear them. and waist, that it is almost impossible to reach one's shoelaces. And the sizes don't run the way they used to. The 12's and 14's are so much smaller. Even people are changing. They are so much younger than they used to -be when I was their age. On the other hand people my age are so much older +be when I was their age. On the other hand people my age are so much older than I am. I ran into an old classmate the other day and she has aged so much that she didn't recognize me. @@ -1653,15 +1418,7 @@ this morning and in so doing I glanced at my own reflection. Really now, they don't even make good mirrors like they used to. Sandy Frazier, "I Have Noticed" % - Excellence is THE trend of the '80s. Walk into any shopping -mall bookstore, go to the rack where they keep the best-sellers such as -"Garfield Gets Spayed", and you'll see a half-dozen books telling you -how to be excellent: "In Search of Excellence", "Finding Excellence", -"Grasping Hold of Excellence", "Where to Hide Your Excellence at Night -So the Cleaning Personnel Don't Steal It", etc. - -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence" -% - Exxon's 'Universe of Energy' tends to the peculiar rather than the + Exxon's "Universe of Energy" tends to the peculiar rather than the humorous ... After [an incomprehensible film montage about wind and sun and rain and strip mines and] two or three minutes of mechanical confusion, the seats locomote through a short tunnel filled with clock-work dinosaurs. @@ -1673,28 +1430,28 @@ but Exxon has decided they smelled bad. message about facing challengehood tomorrow-wise. I dozed off during this, but the import seems to be that dinosaurs don't have anything to do with energy policy and neither do you." - -- P.J. O'Rourke, "Holidays in Hell" -% - For example, in Year 1 that useless letter 'c' would be dropped to be -replased either by 'k' or 's', and likewise 'x' would no longer be part of the -alphabet. The only kase in which 'c' would be retained would be the 'ch' -formation, which will be dealt with later. Year 2 might reform 'w' spelling, -so that 'which' and 'one' would take the same konsonant, wile Year 3 might -well abolish 'y' replasing it with 'i' and Iear 4 might fiks the 'g-j' + -- P. J. O'Rourke, "Holidays in Hell" +% + For example, in Year 1 that useless letter "c" would be dropped to be +replased either by "k" or "s", and likewise "x" would no longer be part of the +alphabet. The only kase in which "c" would be retained would be the "ch" +formation, which will be dealt with later. Year 2 might reform "w" spelling, +so that "which" and "one" would take the same konsonant, wile Year 3 might +well abolish "y" replasing it with "i" and Iear 4 might fiks the "g-j" anomali wonse and for all. Jenerally, then, the improvement would kontinue iear bai iear with Iear 5 doing awai with useless double konsonants, and Iears 6-12 or so modifaiing vowlz and the rimeining voist and unvoist konsonants. Bai Iear 15 or sou, it wud fainali bi posibl tu meik ius ov thi ridandant letez -'c', 'y' and 'x' - bai now jast a memori in the maindz ov ould doderez - tu -riplais 'ch', 'sh', and 'th' rispektivli. +"c", "y" and "x" - bai now jast a memori in the maindz ov ould doderez - tu +riplais "ch", "sh", and "th" rispektivli. Fainali, xen, aafte sam 20 iers ov orxogrefkl riform, wi wud hev a lojikl, kohirnt speling in ius xrewawt xe Ingliy-spiking werld. % "Found it," the Mouse replied rather crossly: -"of course you know what 'it' means." +"of course you know what `it' means." - "I know what 'it' means well enough, when I find a thing," + "I know what `it' means well enough, when I find a thing," said the Duck: "it's generally a frog or a worm. The question is, what did the archbishop find?" @@ -1706,15 +1463,15 @@ such as a "pride of lions" or a "gaggle of geese." One of the professors noticed a group of prostitutes down the block, and posed the question, "What name would be given to that group?" The four fell into silence for a moment, as they pondered the possibilities... - At last, one spoke: "How about 'a Jam of Tarts'?" The others nodded + At last, one spoke: "How about `a Jam of Tarts'?" The others nodded in acknowledgement as they continued to consider the problem. A second -professor spoke: "I'd suggest 'an Essay of Trollops.'" Again, the others -nodded. A third spoke: "I propose 'a Flourish of Strumpets.'" +professor spoke: "I'd suggest `an Essay of Trollops.'" Again, the others +nodded. A third spoke: "I propose `a Flourish of Strumpets.'" They continued their walk in silence, until the first professor remarked to the remaining professor, who was the most senior and learned of the four, "You haven't suggested a name for our ladies. What are your thoughts?" - Replied the fourth professor, "'An Anthology of Prose.'" + Replied the fourth professor, "`An Anthology of Prose.'" % Fred noticed his roommate had a black eye upon returning from a dance. "What happened?" "I was struck by the beauty of the place." @@ -1737,11 +1494,6 @@ was habitually unfaithful, who lied at every turn, who was selfish and lazy and sarcastic?" "Of course not," said a sympathetic friend. "Well," retorted Frank, "neither would Jennifer." -% - "Gee, Mudhead, everyone at Morse Science High has an -extracurricular activity except you." - "Well, gee, doesn't Louise count?" - "Only to ten, Mudhead." % "Gentlemen of the jury," said the defense attorney, now beginning to warm to his summation, "the real question here before you is, shall this @@ -1768,7 +1520,7 @@ perspective have been eliminated, as have any other ruminations deemed denigrating to the political consensus of the moment. Thank you and good luck. - -- Doonesbury, the University Chancellor's graduation speech. + -- Doonesbury, the University Chancellor's graduation speech % Hack placidly amidst the noisy printers and remember what prizes there may be in Science. As fast as possible get a good terminal on a good system. @@ -1839,7 +1591,7 @@ hope in it. Approaching him at the club bar one day, one of them said, found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both, and then turned the gun on himself!" "Terrible," said Harry. "But it could have been worse." - "How in hell," demanded his dumfounded friend, "could it possibly + "How in hell," demanded his dumbfounded friend, "could it possibly have been worse?" "Well," said Harry, "if it had happened the night before, I'd be dead right now." @@ -1881,33 +1633,6 @@ on the safe side." "Quite right. You don't want to come back from Sorrento to a dead cat, do you?" -- Monty Python -% - Here is the fact of the week, maybe even the fact of the month. -According to probably reliable sources, the Coca-Cola people are experiencing -severe marketing anxiety in China. - The words "Coca-Cola" translate into Chinese as either (depending -on the inflection) "wax-fattened mare" or "bite the wax tadpole". - Bite the wax tadpole. - There is a sort of rough justice, is there not? - The trouble with this fact, as lovely as it is, is that it's hard -to get a whole column out of it. I'd like to teach the world to bite a wax -tadpole. Coke -- it's the real wax-fattened mare. Not bad, but broad -satiric vistas do not open up. - -- John Carrol, The San Francisco Chronicle -% - Here is the problem: for many years, the Supreme Court wrestled -with the issue of pornography, until finally Associate Justice John -Paul Stevens came up with the famous quotation about how he couldn't -define pornography, but he knew it when he saw it. So for a while, the -court's policy was to have all the suspected pornography trucked to -Justice Stevens' house, where he would look it over. "Nope, this isn't -it," he'd say. "Bring some more." This went on until one morning when -his housekeeper found him trapped in the recreation room under an -enormous mound of rubberized implements, and the court had to issue a -ruling stating that it didn't know what the hell pornography was except -that it was illegal and everybody should stop badgering the court about -it because the court was going to take a nap. - -- Dave Barry, "Pornography" % "How did you spend the weekend?" asked the pretty brunette secretary of her blonde companion. @@ -1917,11 +1642,6 @@ of her blonde companion. % "How many people work here?" "Oh, about half." -% - How many seconds are there in a year? If I tell you there are -3.155 x 10^7, you won't even try to remember it. On the other hand, who -could forget that, to within half a percent, pi seconds is a nanocentury. - -- Tom Duff, Bell Labs % "How would I know if I believe in love at first sight?" the sexy social climber said to her roommate. "I mean, I've never seen a Porsche @@ -1936,23 +1656,6 @@ full of money before." the phone. "You'll have to call the weather bureau for that information." "Who was that?" his young wife asked. "Some guy wanting to know if the coast was clear." -% - "I cannot read the fiery letters," said Frito Bugger in a -quavering voice. - "No," said GoodGulf, "but I can. The letters are Elvish, of -course, of an ancient mode, but the language is that of Mordor, which -I will not utter here. They are lines of a verse long known in -Elven-lore: - - "This Ring, no other, is made by the elves, - Who'd pawn their own mother to grab it themselves. - Ruler of creeper, mortal, and scallop, - This is a sleeper that packs quite a wallop. - The Power almighty rests in this Lone Ring. - The Power, alrighty, for doing your Own Thing. - If broken or busted, it cannot be remade. - If found, send to Sorhed (with postage prepaid)." - -- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings" % I did some heavy research so as to be prepared for "Mommy, why is the sky blue?" @@ -1976,48 +1679,6 @@ the graphics. HE said, "Mom, I just don't understand women." (Gotcha!) -- Betty LiBrizzi, "The Care and Feeding of a Gifted Child" -% - I disapprove of the F-word, not because it's dirty, but because we -use it as a substitute for thoughtful insults, and it frequently leads to -violence. What we ought to do, when we anger each other, say, in traffic, -is exchange phone numbers, so that later on, when we've had time to think -of witty and learned insults or look them up in the library, we could call -each other up: - You: Hello? Bob? - Bob: Yes? - You: This is Ed. Remember? The person whose parking space you - took last Thursday? Outside of Sears? - Bob: Oh yes! Sure! How are you, Ed? - You: Fine, thanks. Listen, Bob, the reason I'm calling is: - "Madam, you may be drunk, but I am ugly, and ..." No, wait. - I mean: "you may be ugly, but I am Winston Churchill - and ..." No, wait. (Sound of reference book thudding onto - the floor.) S-word. Excuse me. Look, Bob, I'm going to - have to get back to you. - Bob: Fine. - -- Dave Barry -% - "I don't know what you mean by 'glory'," Alice said. - Humpty Dumpty smiled contemptuously. "Of course you don't -- -till I tell you. I meant 'there's a nice knock-down argument for you!'" - "But glory doesn't mean 'a nice knock-down argument'," Alice -objected. - "When I use a word," Humpty Dumpty said, in a rather scornful -tone, "it means just what I choose it to mean -- neither more nor less." - "The question is," said Alice, "whether you can make words mean -so many different things." - "The question is," said Humpty Dumpty, "which is to be master -- -that's all." -% - I for one cannot protest the recent M.T.A. fare hike and the -accompanying promises that this would in no way improve service. For -the transit system, as it now operates, has hidden advantages that -can't be measured in monetary terms. - Personally, I feel that it is well worth 75 cents or even $1 to -have that unimpeachable excuse whenever I am late to anything: "I came -by subway." Those four words have such magic in them that if Godot -should someday show up and mumble them, any audience would instantly -understand his long delay. % "I have examined Bogota," he said, "and the case is clearer to me. I think very probably he might be cured." @@ -2039,7 +1700,7 @@ operation - namely, to remove those irritant bodies." "And then he will be sane?" "Then he will be perfectly sane, and a quite admirable citizen." "Thank heaven for science!" said old Yacob. - -- H.G. Wells, "The Country of the Blind" + -- H. G. Wells, "The Country of the Blind" % I made it a rule to forbear all direct contradictions to the sentiments of others, and all positive assertion of my own. I even forbade myself the use @@ -2169,38 +1830,15 @@ I'm on my way." % I'm sure that VMS is completely documented, I just haven't found the right manual yet. I've been working my way through the manuals in the document -library and I'm half way through the second cabnet, (3 shelves to go), so I +library and I'm half way through the second cabinet, (3 shelves to go), so I should find what I'm looking for by mid May. I hope I can remember what it was by the time I find it. I had this idea for a new horror film, "VMS Manuals from Hell" or maybe -"The Paper Chase : IBM vs. DEC". It's based on Hitchcock's "The Birds", except +"The Paper Chase: IBM vs. DEC". It's based on Hitchcock's "The Birds", except that it's centered around a programmer who is attacked by a swarm of binder pages with an index number and the single line "This page intentionally left blank." -- Alex Crain -% - In a forest a fox bumps into a little rabbit, and says, "Hi, -Junior, what are you up to?" - "I'm writing a dissertation on how rabbits eat foxes," said the -rabbit. - "Come now, friend rabbit, you know that's impossible! No one -will publish such rubbish!" - "Well, follow me and I'll show you." - They both go into the rabbit's dwelling and after a while the -rabbit emerges with a satisfied expression on his face. Comes along a -wolf. "Hello, little buddy, what are we doing these days?" - "I'm writing the 2'nd chapter of my thesis, on how rabbits devour -wolves." - "Are you crazy? Where's your academic honesty?" - "Come with me and I'll show you." - As before, the rabbit comes out with a satisfied look on his face -and a diploma in his paw. Finally, the camera pans into the rabbit's cave -and, as everybody should have guessed by now, we see a mean-looking, huge -lion, sitting, picking his teeth and belching, next to some furry, bloody -remnants of the wolf and the fox. - - The moral: It's not the contents of your thesis that are -important -- it's your PhD advisor that really counts. % In "King Henry VI, Part II," Shakespeare has Dick Butcher suggest to his fellow anti-establishment rabble-rousers, "The first thing we do, let's @@ -2231,7 +1869,7 @@ man. Mud-as-man alone could speak. "Certainly," said man. "Then I leave it to you to think of one for all of this," said God. And He went away. - -- Kurt Vonnegut, Between Time and Timbuktu" + -- Kurt Vonnegut Jr., "Between Time and Timbuktu" % In the beginning there was data. The data was without form and null, and darkness was upon the face of the console; and the Spirit of @@ -2252,7 +1890,7 @@ until one night the edifice collapsed under the weight of paradox. The following morning saw only rubble where there once was a huge structure reaching to the heavens. One by one, the Mathematicians climbed out from under the rubble. It was a miracle that nobody was killed; but when -they began to speak to one another, SUPRISE of all suprises! they could not +they began to speak to one another, SURPRISE of all surprises! they could not understand each other. They all spoke different languages. They all fought amongst themselves and each went about their own way. To this day the Topologists remain the original Mathematicians. @@ -2281,7 +1919,7 @@ you close your eyes?" In the east there is a shark which is larger than all other fish. It changes into a bird whose winds are like clouds filling the sky. When this bird moves across the land, it brings a message from Corporate Headquarters. -This message it drops into the midst of the program mers, like a seagull +This message it drops into the midst of the programmers, like a seagull making its mark upon the beach. Then the bird mounts on the wind and, with the blue sky at its back, returns home. The novice programmer stares in wonder at the bird, for he understands @@ -2304,12 +1942,12 @@ Fish heads, fish heads, eat them up. Yum! They can't play baseball; they don't wear sweaters; They aren't good dancers; they can't play drums. (chorus): - Roly-poly fish heads are NEVER seen drinking cappucino in + Roly-poly fish heads are NEVER seen drinking cappuccino in Italian restaurants with Oriental women. (chorus): Fishy! (chorus): - -- Fish Heads + -- Barnes & Barnes, "Fish Heads" % "In this replacement Earth we're building they've given me Africa to do and of course I'm doing it with all fjords again because I happen to @@ -2339,10 +1977,10 @@ than a citizen bless their country?" Insofar as I may be heard by anything, which may or may not care what I say, I ask, if it matters, that you be forgiven for anything you may have done or failed to do which requires forgiveness. Conversely, if -not forgiveness but something else may be required to insure any possible +not forgiveness but something else may be required to ensure any possible benefit for which you may be eligible after the destruction of your body, I ask this, whatever it may be, be granted or withheld, as the case may be, -in such a manner as to insure your receiving said benefit. I ask this in my +in such a manner as to ensure your receiving said benefit. I ask this in my capacity as your elected intermediary between yourself and that which may not be yourself, but which may have an interest in the matter of your receiving as much as it is possible for you to receive of this thing, and @@ -2400,6 +2038,16 @@ person to meet them. Give the information a moment to sink in and then remark that you were only kidding, that your lover is merely of a different religion. They will be so relieved they will welcome her with open arms. -- Playboy, January, 1983 +% + It is either through the influence of narcotic potions, of which all +primitive peoples and races speak in hymns, or through the powerful approach +of spring, penetrating with joy all of nature, that those Dionysian stirrings +arise, which in their intensification lead the individual to forget himself +completely. ... Not only does the bond between man and man come to be forged +once again by the magic of the Dionysian rite, but alienated, hostile, or +subjugated nature again celebrates her reconciliation with her prodigal son, +man. + -- Friedrich Nietzsche, "The Birth of Tragedy" % It seems there's this magician working one of the luxury cruise ships for a few years. He doesn't have to change his routines much as the audiences @@ -2446,17 +2094,7 @@ cost a fortune to maintain and is still in danger of collapsing. really needed in the first place. I expect every installation has its own pet software which is analogous to the above. - -- K.E. Iverson, on the Leaning Tower of Pisa -% - It was the next morning that the armies of Twodor marched east -laden with long lances, sharp swords, and death-dealing hangovers. The -thousands were led by Arrowroot, who sat limply in his sidesaddle, -nursing a whopper. Goodgulf, Gimlet, and the rest rode by him, praying -for their fate to be quick, painless, and if possible, someone else's. - Many an hour the armies forged ahead, the war-merinos bleating -under their heavy burdens and the soldiers bleating under their melting -icepacks. - -- "Bored of the Rings", The Harvard Lampoon + -- K. E. Iverson, on the Leaning Tower of Pisa % Jacek, a Polish schoolboy, is told by his teacher that he has been chosen to carry the Polish flag in the May Day parade. @@ -2483,19 +2121,6 @@ wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday." can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel." "Not exactly," said the embarrassed little man. "You're lying on the dining room skylight." -% - Lassie looked brilliant, in part because the farm family she -lived with was made up of idiots. Remember? One of them was always -getting pinned under the tractor, and Lassie was always rushing back to -the farmhouse to alert the other ones. She'd whimper and tug at their -sleeves, and they'd always waste precious minutes saying things: "Do -you think something's wrong? Do you think she wants us to follow her? -What is it, girl?", etc., as if this had never happened before, instead -of every week. What with all the time these people spent pinned under -the tractor, I don't see how they managed to grow any crops whatsoever. -They probably got by on federal crop supports, which Lassie filed the -applications for. - -- Dave Barry % Leslie West heads for the sticks, to Providence, Rhode Island and tries to hide behind a beard. No good. There are still too many people @@ -2526,28 +2151,6 @@ out, a-and when. Dope never gave you immortality. You hadda come back, every time, into a dying hunk of smelly meat! But We can live forever, in a clean, honest, purified, Electroworld. -- Thomas Pynchon, "Gravity's Rainbow" -% - Long ago, in a finite state far away, there lived a JOVIAL -character named Jack. Jack and his relations were poor. Often their -hash table was bare. One day Jack's parent said to him, "Our matrices -are sparse. You must go to the market to exchange our RAM for some -BASICs." She compiled a linked list of items to retrieve and passed it -to him. - So Jack set out. But as he was walking along a Hamilton path, -he met the traveling salesman. - "Whither dost thy flow chart take thou?" prompted the salesman -in high-level language. - "I'm going to the market to exchange this RAM for some chips -and Apples," commented Jack. - "I have a much better algorithm. You needn't join a queue -there; I will swap your RAM for these magic kernels now." - Jack made the trade, then backtracked to his house. But when -he told his busy-waiting parent of the deal, she became so angry she -started thrashing. - "Don't you even have any artificial intelligence? All these -kernels together hardly make up one byte," and she popped them out the -window... - -- Mark Isaak, "Jack and the Beanstack" % Looking for a cool one after a long, dusty ride, the drifter strode into the saloon. As he made his way through the crowd to the bar, a man @@ -2561,7 +2164,7 @@ guzzled in one gulp and then smashed on the bar. He then stood aghast as the man stuffed the broken bottle in his mouth, munched broken glass and smacked his lips with relish. "Can I, ah, uh, get you another, sir?" the drifter stammered. - "Naw, I gotta git outa here, boy," the man grunted. "Big Mike's + "Naw, I gotta git outta here, boy," the man grunted. "Big Mike's a-comin'." % Max told his friend that he'd just as soon not go hiking in the hills. @@ -2596,7 +2199,7 @@ the world it is best to hold hands and stick together. in kindergarten" % Most of what I really need to know about how to live, and what to -do, and how to be, I learned in kindergarten. Wisdom was not at the top +do, and how to be, I learned in kindergarten. Wisdom was not at the top of the graduate school mountain, but there in the sandbox at nursery school. These are the things I learned: Share everything. Play fair. Don't hit people. Put things back where you found them. Clean up your @@ -2638,27 +2241,7 @@ plastic. The accompanying letter said: "We don't know why you want 1.5 per cent defective parts, but for your convenience, we've packed them separately." -- Excerpted from an article in The (Toronto) Globe and Mail % - Murray and Esther, a middle-aged Jewish couple, are touring Chile. -Murray just got a new camera and is constantly snapping pictures. One day, -without knowing it, he photographs a top-secret military installation. In -an instant, armed troops surround Murray and Esther and hustle them off to -prison. - They can't prove who they are because they've left their passports -in their hotel room. For three weeks they're tortured day and night to get -them to name their contacts in the liberation movement... Finally they're -hauled in front of a military court, charged with espionage, and sentenced -to death. - The next morning they're lined up in front of the wall where they'll -be shot. The sergeant in charge of the firing squad asks them if they have -any last requests. Esther wants to know if she can call her daughter in -Chicago. The sergeant says he's sorry, that's not possible, and turns to -Murray. - "This is crazy!" Murray shouts. "We're not spies!" And he -spits in the sergeants face. - "Murray!" Esther cries. "Please! Don't make trouble." - -- Arthur Naiman -% - My friends, I am here to tell you of the wonderous continent known as + My friends, I am here to tell you of the wondrous continent known as Africa. Well we left New York drunk and early on the morning of February 31. We were 15 days on the water, and 3 on the boat when we finally arrived in Africa. Upon our arrival we immediately set up a rigorous schedule: Up at @@ -2673,7 +2256,7 @@ weren't looking for a water hole. They were looking for an alck hole. One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas, how he got in my pajamas, I don't know. Then we tried to remove the tusks. That's a tough word to say, tusks. As I said we tried to remove the tusks, but they were -imbedded so firmly we couldn't get them out. But in Alabama the Tusks are +embedded so firmly we couldn't get them out. But in Alabama the Tusks are looser, but that is totally irrelephant to what I was saying. We took some pictures of the native girls, but they weren't developed. So we're going back in a few years... @@ -2693,7 +2276,7 @@ stability: the static world order with planets circling about a central earth, priests subordinate to the Pope and serfs to their lord. But the Church soon made its peace with Galileo's cosmology. They had no choice; the earth really does revolve about the sun. - -- S.J. Gould, "The Mismeasure of Man" + -- S. J. Gould, "The Mismeasure of Man" % "My mother," said the sweet young steno, "says there are some things a girl should not do before twenty." @@ -2730,7 +2313,7 @@ it. The answer is obvious. A Japanese tourist took the picture. Never ask if your lover has had therapy. Only people who have had therapy ask if people have had therapy. Don't ask about plaster casts of male sex organs marked JIMI, JIM, etc. -Assume that she bought them at a flea market. +Assume that she bought them at a flea market. -- James Peterson and Kate Nolan % NEW YORK-- Kraft Foods, Inc. announced today that its board of @@ -2789,7 +2372,7 @@ confirm who I am. -- Captain Freedom % Old Barlow was a crossing-tender at a junction where an express train -demolished an automobile and it's occupants. Being the chief witness, his +demolished an automobile and its occupants. Being the chief witness, his testimony was vitally important. Barlow explained that the night was dark, and he waved his lantern frantically, but the driver of the car paid no attention to the signal. @@ -2798,16 +2381,6 @@ complimented the old-timer for his story. "You did wonderfully," he said, "I was afraid you would waver under testimony." "No sir," exclaimed the senior, "but I sure was afraid that durned lawyer was gonna ask me if my lantern was lit." -% - On his first day as a bus driver, Maxey Eckstein handed in -receipts of $65. The next day his take was $67. The third day's -income was $62. But on the fourth day, Eckstein emptied no less than -$283 on the desk before the cashier. - "Eckstein!" exclaimed the cashier. "This is fantastic. That -route never brought in money like this! What happened?" - "Well, after three days on that cockamamy route, I figured -business would never improve, so I drove over to Fourteenth Street and -worked there. I tell you, that street is a gold mine!" % On the day of his anniversary, Joe was frantically shopping around for a present for his wife. He knew what she wanted, a @@ -2872,7 +2445,7 @@ and it was very juicy. I stood up and took aim, and went into the windup, when my mother at the kitchen window called my name in a sharp voice. I had to decide quickly. I decided. A rotten Big Boy hitting the target is a memorable sound, like a fat -man doing a belly-flop. With a whoop and a yell the tomatoee came after +man doing a belly-flop. With a whoop and a yell the tomatoee came after me faster than I knew she could run, and grabbed my shirt and was about to brain me when Mother called her name in a sharp voice. And my sister, who was a good person, obeyed and let go -- and burst into tears. I guess she knew that @@ -2964,7 +2537,7 @@ biggest, strongest fish he had ever caught. He fought with it for hours, until, finally, he managed to bring it to the surface. Looking of the edge of the boat, he saw the head of this huge fish breaking the surface. Smiling with pride, he reached over the edge to pull the fish up. Unfortunately, he -accidently caught his watch on the edge, and, before he knew it, there was a +accidentally caught his watch on the edge, and, before he knew it, there was a snap, and his watch tumbled into the water next to the fish with a loud "sploosh!" Distracted by this shiny object, the fish made a sudden lunge, simultaneously snapping the line, and swallowing the watch. Sadly, the @@ -3192,19 +2765,6 @@ program. I sit still and let the joy of the work fill my being. I close my eyes for a moment and then log off." Price Wang said, "Would that all of my programmers were as wise!" -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" -% - "Reintegration complete," ZORAC advised. "We're back in the -universe again..." An unusually long pause followed, "...but I don't -know which part. We seem to have changed our position in space." A -spherical display in the middle of the floor illuminated to show the -starfield surrounding the ship. - "Several large, artificial constructions are approaching us," -ZORAC announced after a short pause. "The designs are not familiar, but -they are obviously the products of intelligence. Implications: we have -been intercepted deliberately by a means unknown, for a purpose unknown, -and transferred to a place unknown by a form of intelligence unknown. -Apart from the unknowns, everything is obvious." - -- James P. Hogan, "Giants Star" % Reporters like Bill Greider from the Washington Post and Him Naughton of the New York Times, for instance, had to file long, detailed, @@ -3251,7 +2811,7 @@ differential algebra, Ritt, committed suicide in the early 1950's, largely, it is claimed, because few paid attention to his work. Probably he would have received more attention had he obtained the algorithm as well. - -- Joel Moses, "Algorithms and Complexity", ed. J.F. Traub + -- Joel Moses, "Algorithms and Complexity", ed. J. F. Traub % Robert Kennedy's 1964 Senatorial campaign planners told him that their intention was to present him to the television viewers as a sincere, @@ -3308,17 +2868,6 @@ nice gesture you made today, George. respectfully when that funeral went by," the friend replied. "Oh, yes," said George. "Well, we were married 17 years, you know." -% - "Seven years and six months!" Humpty Dumpty repeated thoughtfully. -"An uncomfortable sort of age. Now if you'd asked MY advice, I'd have -said 'Leave off at seven' -- but it's too late now." - "I never ask advice about growing," Alice said indignantly. - "Too proud?" the other enquired. - Alice felt even more indignant at this suggestion. "I mean," -she said, "that one can't help growing older." - "ONE can't, perhaps," said Humpty Dumpty; "but TWO can. With -proper assistance, you might have left off at seven." - -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking-Glass" % Several students were asked to prove that all odd integers are prime. The first student to try to do this was a math student. "Hmmm... @@ -3346,58 +2895,6 @@ his terminal and runs his program. Reading the output on the screen he says, paper boots." "What's he wanted for?" "Rustling." -% - Sixtus V, Pope from 1585 to 1590 authorized a printing of the -Vulgate Bible. Taking no chances, the pope issued a papal bull -automatically excommunicating any printer who might make an alteration -in the text. This he ordered printed at the beginning of the Bible. -He personally examined every sheet as it came off the press. Yet the -published Vulgate Bible contained so many errors that corrected scraps -had to be printed and pasted over them in every copy. The result -provoked wry comments on the rather patchy papal infallibility, and -Pope Sixtus had no recourse but to order the return and destruction of -every copy. -% - So Richard and I decided to try to catch [the small shark]. With -a great deal of strategy and effort and shouting, we managed to maneuver -the shark, over the course of about a half-hour, to a sort of corner of the -lagoon, so that it had no way to escape other than to flop up onto the land -and evolve. Richard and I were inching toward it, sort of crouched over, -when all of a sudden it turned around and -- I can still remember the -sensation I felt at that moment, primarily in the armpit area -- headed -right straight toward us. - Many people would have panicked at this point. But Richard and I -were not "many people." We were experienced waders, and we kept our heads. -We did exactly what the textbook says you should do when you're unarmed and -a shark that is nearly two feet long turns on you in water up to your lower -calves: We sprinted I would say 600 yards in the opposite direction, using -a sprinting style such that the bottoms of our feet never once went below -the surface of the water. We ran all the way to the far shore, and if we -had been in a Warner Brothers cartoon we would have run right INTO the beach, -and you would have seen these two mounds of sand racing across the island -until they bonked into trees and coconuts fell onto their heads. - -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV" -% - So Richard and I decided to try to catch [the small shark]. -With a great deal of strategy and effort and shouting, we managed to -maneuver the shark, over the course of about a half-hour, to a sort of -corner of the lagoon, so that it had no way to escape other than to -flop up onto the land and evolve. Richard and I were inching toward -it, sort of crouched over, when all of a sudden it turned around and -- -I can still remember the sensation I felt at that moment, primarily in -the armpit area -- headed right straight toward us. - Many people would have panicked at this point. But Richard and -I were not "many people." We were experienced waders, and we kept our -heads. We did exactly what the textbook says you should do when you're -unarmed and a shark that is nearly two feet long turns on you in water -up to your lower calves: We sprinted I would say 600 yards in the -opposite direction, using a sprinting style such that the bottoms of -our feet never once went below the surface of the water. We ran all -the way to the far shore, and if we had been in a Warner Brothers -cartoon we would have run right INTO the beach, and you would have seen -these two mounds of sand racing across the island until they bonked -into trees and coconuts fell onto their heads. - -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV" % Some 1500 miles west of the Big Apple we find the Minneapple, a haven of tranquility in troubled times. It's a good town, a civilized town. @@ -3437,15 +2934,6 @@ Griffin proposed an amendment to the farm bill so that "the total number of employees in the Department of Agriculture at no time exceeds the number of farmers in America." -- Bill Adler, "The Washington Wits" -% - "Somewhere", said Father Vittorini, "did Blake not speak of the -Machineries of Joy? That is, did not God promote environments, then -intimidate these Natures by provoking the existence of flesh, toy men and -women, such as are we all? And thus happily sent forth, at our best, with -good grace and fine wit, on calm noons, in fair climes, are we not God's -Machineries of Joy?" - "If Blake said that", said Father Brian, "he never lived in Dublin." - -- R. Bradbury, "The Machineries of Joy" % Split 1/4 bottle .187 liters Half 1/2 bottle @@ -3492,16 +2980,6 @@ up on a steep hill in Las Vegas and look West, and with the right kind of eyes you can almost see the high-water mark -- that place where the wave finally broke and rolled back. -- Hunter S. Thompson -% - Take the folks at Coca-Cola. For many years, they were content -to sit back and make the same old carbonated beverage. It was a good -beverage, no question about it; generations of people had grown up -drinking it and doing the experiment in sixth grade where you put a -nail into a glass of Coke and after a couple of days the nail dissolves -and the teacher says: "Imagine what it does to your TEETH!" So Coca-Cola -was solidly entrenched in the market, and the management saw no need to -improve ... - -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence" % "That wife of mine is a liar," said the angry husband to a sympathetic pal seated next to him in a bar. @@ -3513,66 +2991,7 @@ she'd been she said she'd spent the night with her sister Shirley." % "That's right; the upper-case shift works fine on the screen, but they're not coming out on the damn printer... Hold? Sure, I'll hold." - -- e.e. cummings last service call -% - "The best thing for being sad," replied Merlin, beginning to puff -and blow, "is to learn something. That's the only thing that never fails. -You may grow old and trembling in your anatomies, you may lie awake at -night listening to the disorder of your veins, you may miss your only love, -you may see the world about you devastated by evil lunatics, or know your -honour trampled in the sewers of baser minds. There is only one thing for -it then -- to learn. Learn why the world wags and what wags it. That is -the only thing which the mind can never exhaust, never alienate, never be -tortured by, never fear or distrust, and never dream of regretting. Learning -is the only thing for you. Look what a lot of things there are to learn." - -- T.H. White, "The Once and Future King" -% - The big problem with pornography is defining it. You can't just -say it's pictures of people naked. For example, you have these primitive -African tribes that exist by chasing the wildebeest on foot, and they have -to go around largely naked, because, as the old tribal saying goes: "N'wam -k'honi soit qui mali," which means, "If you think you can catch a wildebeest -in this climate and wear clothes at the same time, then I have some beach -front property in the desert region of Northern Mali that you may be -interested in." - So it's not considered pornographic when National Geographic publishes -color photographs of these people hunting the wildebeest naked, or pounding -one rock onto another rock for some primitive reason naked, or whatever. -But if National Geographic were to publish an article entitled "The Girls -of the California Junior College System Hunt the Wildebeest Naked," some -people would call it pornography. But others would not. And still others, -such as the Spectacularly Rev. Jerry Falwell, would get upset about seeing -the wildebeest naked. - -- Dave Barry, "Pornography" -% - The big problem with pornography is defining it. You can't just -say it's pictures of people naked. For example, you have these -primitive African tribes that exist by chasing the wildebeest on foot, -and they have to go around largely naked, because, as the old tribal -saying goes: "N'wam k'honi soit qui mali," which means, "If you think -you can catch a wildebeest in this climate and wear clothes at the same -time, then I have some beach front property in the desert region of -Northern Mali that you may be interested in." - So it's not considered pornographic when National Geographic -publishes color photographs of these people hunting the wildebeest -naked, or pounding one rock onto another rock for some primitive reason -naked, or whatever. But if National Geographic were to publish an -article entitled "The Girls of the California Junior College System -Hunt the Wildebeest Naked," some people would call it pornography. But -others would not. And still others, such as the Spectacularly Rev. -Jerry Falwell, would get upset about seeing the wildebeest naked. - -- Dave Barry, "Pornography" -% - The birds are singing, the flowers are budding, and it is time -for Miss Manners to tell young lovers to stop necking in public. - It's not that Miss Manners is immune to romance. Miss Manners -has been known to squeeze a gentleman's arm while being helped over a -curb, and, in her wild youth, even to press a dainty slipper against a -foot or two under the dinner table. Miss Manners also believes that the -sight of people strolling hand in hand or arm in arm or arm in hand -dresses up a city considerably more than the more familiar sight of -people shaking umbrellas at one another. What Miss Manners objects to -is the kind of activity that frightens the horses on the street... + -- e. e. cummings last service call % The boss returned from lunch in a good mood and called the whole staff in to listen to a couple of jokes he had picked up. Everybody but one girl @@ -3654,7 +3073,7 @@ As he turned away, he heard the man say, "Ouch!". -- well, I'll be damned. There goes another one!" % The General disliked trying to explain the highly technical -innerworkings of the U.S. Air Force. +inner workings of the U.S. Air Force. "$7,662 for a ten cup coffee maker, General?" the Senator asked. In his head he ran through his standard explanations. "It's not so," he thought. "It's a deterrent." Soon he came up with, "It's computerized, @@ -3670,10 +3089,15 @@ mysterious B-1 crash. A strange smell in the fuel lines. It smelled like coffee. Smooth and full bodied... -- Another Episode of General's Hospital % - The geographical center of Boston is in Roxbury. Due north of -the center we find the South End. This is not to be confused with South -Boston which lies directly east from the South End. North of the South -End is East Boston and southwest of East Boston is the North End. + The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy has a few things to say on +the subject of towels. + A towel, it says, is about the most massively useful thing an +interstellar hitchhiker can have. Partly it has great practical value. +You can wrap it around you for warmth as you bound across the cold moons +of Jaglan Beta; you can lie on it on the brilliant marble-sanded beaches +of Santraginus V ... use it to sail a miniraft down the slow heavy River +Moth; wave your towel in emergencies, and, of course, dry yourself off +with it if it still seems to be clean enough. % The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy has a few things to say on the subject of towels. @@ -3686,16 +3110,6 @@ a dozen other items that he may have "lost". After all, any man who can hitch the length and breadth of the Galaxy, struggle against terrible odds, win through and still know where his towel is, is clearly a man to be reckoned with. -% - The Hitchiker's Guide to the Galaxy has a few things to say on -the subject of towels. - A towel, it says, is about the most massively useful thing an -interstellar hitchhiker can have. Partly it has great practical value. -You can wrap it around you for warmth as you bound across the cold moons -of Jaglan Beta; you can lie on it on the brilliant marble-sanded beaches -of Santraginus V ... use it to sail a miniraft down the slow heavy River -Moth; wave your towel in emergencies, and, of course, dry yourself off -with it if it still seems to be clean enough. % The honeymooning couple agreed it was a fine day for horseback riding. After a mile or so, the bride's mount cantered under a low tree and a @@ -3792,22 +3206,6 @@ logically experienced citizens." According to the FAA, the propeller blade didn't break off, it was just a case of "uncontained blade liberation." -- Quarterly Review of Doublespeak (NCTE) -% - "...The name of the song is called 'Haddocks' Eyes'!" - "Oh, that's the name of the song, is it?" Alice said, trying to -feel interested. - "No, you don't understand," the Knight said, looking a little -vexed. "That's what the name is called. The name really is, 'The Aged -Aged Man.'" - "Then I ought to have said "That's what the song is called'?" -Alice corrected herself. - "No, you oughtn't: that's quite another thing! The song is -called 'Ways and Means': but that's only what it is called you know!" - "Well, what is the song then?" said Alice, who was by this -time completely bewildered. - "I was coming to that," the Knight said. "The song really is -"A-sitting on a Gate": and the tune's my own invention." - --Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass" % The only real game in the world, I think, is baseball... You've got to start way down, at the bottom, when you're six or seven years @@ -3822,13 +3220,6 @@ I will not sleep here tonight. Home also I cannot go. Turning the curve he waved his hand. A sleek brown head, a seal's, far out on the water, round. Usurper. -- James Joyce, "Ulysses" -% - The problem with engineers is that they tend to cheat in order to -get results. - The problem with mathematicians is that they tend to work on toy -problems in order to get results - The problem with program verifiers is that they tend to cheat at -toy problems in order to get results. % The programmers of old were mysterious and profound. We cannot fathom their thoughts, so all we do is describe their appearance. @@ -3906,17 +3297,6 @@ would be no Tao. retreat. Greater talent shows itself late in life. Even a perfect program still has bugs. -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" -% - THE WOMBAT - -The wombat lives across the seas, -Among the far Antipodes. -He may exist on nuts and berries, -Or then again, on missionaries; -His distant habitat precludes -Conclusive knowledge of his moods. -But I would not engage the wombat -In any form of mortal combat. % The world's most avid baseball fan (an Aggie) had arrived at the stadium for the first game of the World Series only to realize he had left @@ -3924,7 +3304,7 @@ his ticket at home. Not wanting to miss any of the first inning, he went to the ticket booth and got in a long line for another seat. After an hour's wait he was just a few feet from the booth when a voice called out, "Hey, Dave!" The Aggie looked up, stepped out of line and tried to find the owner -of the voice -- with no success. Then he realized he had lost his place in +of the voice -- with no success. Then he realized he had lost his place in line and had to wait all over again. When the fan finally bought his ticket, he was thirsty, so he went to buy a drink. The line at the concession stand was long, too, but since the game hadn't started he decided to wait. Just as @@ -3932,26 +3312,8 @@ he got to the window, a voice called out, "Hey, Dave!" Again the Aggie tried to find the voice -- but no luck. He was very upset as he got back in line for his drink. Finally the fan went to his seat, eager for the game to begin. As he waited for the pitch, he heard the voice calling, "Hey Dave!" once more. -Furious, he stood up and yelled at the top of his lungs, "My name is not +Furious, he stood up and yelled at the top of his lungs, "My name is not Dave!" -% - Them Toad Suckers - -How 'bout them toad suckers, ain't they clods? -Sittin' there suckin' them green toady frogs! - -Suckin' them hop toads, suckin' them chunkers, -Suckin' them a leapy type, suckin' them flunkers. - -Look at them toad suckers, ain't they snappy? -Suckin' them bog frogs sure make's 'em happy! - -Them hugger mugger toad suckers, way down south, -Stickin' them sucky toads in they mouth! - -How to be a toad sucker, no way to duck it, -Get yourself a toad, rear back, and suck it! - -- Mason Williams % Then a man said: Speak to us of Expectations. @@ -3975,9 +3337,9 @@ With a lot of these folks you'd have to check their green cards just to make sure that they are Earthlings. Then there's the police. In Portland, when some guy goes bananas, the cops rope off a sixteen block area around him and call a shrink from the medical school who stands atop a patrol car -with a megaphone and shouts, "OK! THIS! ALL! STARTED! WHEN! YOU! WERE! -THREE! YEARS! OLD! ON! ACCOUNT! OF! YOUR MOTHER! RIGHT? SO! LET'S! -TALK! ABOUT! IT!" Down here they don't waste that kind of time. The LAPD +with a megaphone and shouts, "OK! THIS! ALL! STARTED! WHEN! YOU! WERE! +THREE! YEARS! OLD! ON! ACCOUNT! OF! YOUR MOTHER! RIGHT? SO! LET'S! +TALK! ABOUT! IT!" Down here they don't waste that kind of time. The LAPD has SWAT teams composed of guys who make Darth Vader look like Mr. Peepers. Before they go to bust a bookie joint they mortar it first. -- M. Christensen, "A Portland Innocent in LA" @@ -4004,21 +3366,6 @@ his voice, he said, "That's what heroes are for." are for. Wizards make no difference, so they say that nothing does, but heroes are meant to die for unicorns." -- P. Beagle, "The Last Unicorn" -% - There are some goyisha names that just about guarantee that -someone isn't Jewish. For example, you'll never meet a Jew named -Johnson or Wright or Jones or Sinclair or Ricks or Stevenson or Reid or -Larsen or Jenks. But some goyisha names just about guarantee that -every other person you meet with that name will be Jewish. Why is -this? - Who knows? Learned rabbis have pondered this question for -centuries and have failed to come up with an answer, and you think you -can find one? Get serious. You don't even understand why it's -forbidden to eat crab -- fresh cold crab with mayonnaise -- or lobster --- soft tender morsels of lobster dipped in melted butter. You don't -even understand a simple thing like that, and yet you hope to discover -why there are more Jews named Miller than Katz? Fat Chance. - -- Arthur Naiman % There once was a man who went to a computer trade show. Each day as he entered, the man told the guard at the door: @@ -4080,7 +3427,7 @@ and escaped. off the tin cans by throwing them against the wall. She was developing a good pitching arm and a new quantum theory. The mathematician had stacked the unopened cans into a surprising -solution to the kissing problem; his dessicated corpse was propped calmly +solution to the kissing problem; his desiccated corpse was propped calmly against a wall, and this was inscribed on the floor: Theorem: If I can't open these cans, I'll die. Proof: assume the opposite... @@ -4145,11 +3492,11 @@ demands from him more than his utmost strength, that absorbs him, bone and sinew and brain and hope and fear and dreams -- and still calls for more. They are fools that think otherwise. No great effort was ever bought. No painting, no music, no poem, no cathedral in stone, no church, no state was -ever raised into being for payment of any kind. No parthenon, no Thermopylae +ever raised into being for payment of any kind. No Parthenon, no Thermopylae was ever built or fought for pay or glory; no Bukhara sacked, or China ground beneath Mongol heel, for loot or power alone. The payment for doing these things was itself the doing of them. - To wield onself -- to use oneself as a tool in one's own hand -- and + To wield oneself -- to use oneself as a tool in one's own hand -- and so to make or break that which no one else can build or ruin -- THAT is the greatest pleasure known to man! To one who has felt the chisel in his hand and set free the angel prisoned in the marble block, or to one who has felt @@ -4194,13 +3541,6 @@ around pirating copies of software you probably aren't going to pay much attention to a license agreement, bloodthirsty or not. Just keep your doors locked and look out for the HavenTree attack shark. -- License Agreement for Interactive Easyflow -% - To A Quick Young Fox -Why jog exquisite bulk, fond crazy vamp, -Daft buxom jonquil, zephyr's gawky vice? -Guy fed by work, quiz Jove's xanthic lamp-- -Zow! Qualms by deja vu gyp fox-kin thrice. - -- Lazy Dog % To lose weight, eat less; to gain weight, eat more; if you merely wish to maintain, do whatever you were doing. @@ -4236,19 +3576,6 @@ was Carmen or Cohen. Against his wishes, a math teacher's classroom was remodeled. Ever since, he's been talking about the good old dais. His students planted a small orchard in his honor, the trees all have square roots. -% - "Verily and forsooth," replied Goodgulf darkly. "In the past year -strange and fearful wonders I have seen. Fields sown with barley reap -crabgrass and fungus, and even small gardens reject their artichoke hearts. -There has been a hot day in December and a blue moon. Calendars are made with -a month of Sundays and a blue-ribbon Holstein bore alive two insurance -salesmen. The earth splits and the entrails of a goat were found tied in -square knots. The face of the sun blackens and the skies have rained down -soggy potato chips." - "But what do all these things mean?" gasped Frito. - "Beats me," said Goodgulf with a shrug, -"but I thought it made good copy." - -- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings" % Vice-President Hubert Humphrey's loquacity is legendary, and Barry Goldwater notes that "Hubert has been clocked at 275 words a minute with gusts @@ -4263,10 +3590,6 @@ finger through a pair of lensless blackrimmed glasses, saying, "These glasses are just like [Lyndon Johnson's] programs. They look good but they don't work." -- Bill Adler, "The Washington Wits" -% - WARNING TO ALL PERSONNEL: - -Firings will continue until morale improves. % We don't claim Interactive EasyFlow is good for anything -- if you think it is, great, but it's up to you to decide. If Interactive EasyFlow @@ -4367,7 +3690,7 @@ in the street, bleeding to death...'" "It would be quite a story for the newspapers, wouldn't it?" "Yeah, I think it's safe to say we'd see some headlines on that one." -- Hunter S. Thompson, talking to R. Steadman on C. Colson, - ex-Marine captain, now born again, of Watergate fame. + ex-Marine captain, now born again, of Watergate fame. % "Well, it's garish, ugly, and derelicts have used it for a toilet. The rides are dilapidated to the point of being lethal, and could easily @@ -4398,9 +3721,10 @@ quietly munching on some weeds, and roared at the top of his voice: "WHO IS THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE ANIMALS IN THE JUNGLE?" Well, the elephant grabs the tiger with his trunk, picks him up, slams him down; picks him up again, and shakes him until the tiger is just a blur of -orange and black; and finally throws him violently into a nearby tree. The -tiger staggers to his feet and looks at the elephant and whispers: "Man, you -don't have to get so pissed, just 'cause you don't know the answer." +orange and black; and finally throws him violently into a nearby tree. + The tiger staggers to his feet and looks at the elephant and whispers: + "Man, you don't have to get so pissed, just 'cause you don't know the + answer." % "We're running out of adjectives to describe our situation. We had crisis, then we went into chaos, and now what do we call this?" said @@ -4441,11 +3765,6 @@ I, B, and M. That is a IBM compatible as I can be." "What kludge is that, Dave?" "I'm going to disconnect your brain." -- Darryl Rubin, "A Problem in the Making", "InfoWorld" -% - "What are you doing?" - "Examining the world's major religions. I'm looking for something -that's light on morals, has lots of holidays, and with a short initiation -period." % "What are you watching?" "I don't know." @@ -4461,10 +3780,6 @@ flow over you." fantasies?" "You keep it to yourself." -- Broadcast News -% - "What do you give a man who has everything?" the pretty teenager -asked her mother. - "Encouragement, dear," she replied. % What is involved in such [close] relationships is a form of emotional chemistry, so far unexplained by any school of psychiatry I am aware of, that @@ -4492,12 +3807,6 @@ not the mean and stupid God you make Him out to be". "I won't tell you that, but I'll tell you the worst thing that ever happened to me... the most dreadful thing." -- Peter Straub, "Ghost Story" -% - "What's that thing?" - "Well, it's a highly technical, sensitive instrument we use in -computer repair. Being a layman, you probably can't grasp exactly what -it does. We call it a two-by-four." - -- "Shoe", Jeff MacNelly % When, in 1964, New Hampshire Republican Senator Norris Cotton announced his support of Barry Goldwater in his state's primary election, he was @@ -4624,12 +3933,6 @@ his pal. "Well, buddy-boy," he said, "I'm afraid she's cheating on us." Grow Big. Wear Glasses If You Need 'Em. -- The Webb Wilder Credo -% - Wouldn't the sentence "I want to put a hyphen between the words Fish -and And and And and Chips in my Fish-And-Chips sign" have been clearer if -quotation marks had been placed before Fish, and between Fish and and, and -and and And, and And and and, and and and And, and And and and, and and and -Chips, as well as after Chips? % "Yes, let's consider," said Bruno, putting his thumb into his mouth again, and sitting down upon a dead mouse. @@ -4657,15 +3960,7 @@ There, that ought to patch it. Dist it out, wouldja?" "The famous scientific criminal, as famous among crooks as --" "My blushes, Watson," Holmes murmured, in a deprecating voice. "I was about to say 'as he is unknown to the public.'" - -- A. Conan Doyle, "The Valley of Fear" -% - "You know, it's at times like this when I'm trapped in a Vogon -airlock with a man from Betelgeuse and about to die of asphyxiation in -deep space that I really wish I'd listened to what my mother told me -when I was young!" - "Why, what did she tell you?" - "I don't know, I didn't listen." - -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" + -- Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, "The Valley of Fear" % "You mean, if you allow the master to be uncivil, to treat you any old way he likes, and to insult your dignity, then he may deem you @@ -4708,23 +4003,6 @@ twenty-five years of age and men thirty-one. Even if they reached that age they will in most instances be broken in health physically and morally. This is the claim of prominent physicians in this country. -- Quote from a 1910 periodical -% - Your home electrical system is basically a bunch of wires that bring -electricity into your home and take if back out before it has a chance to -kill you. This is called a "circuit". The most common home electrical -problem is when the circuit is broken by a "circuit breaker"; this causes -the electricity to back up in one of the wires until it bursts out of an -outlet in the form of sparks, which can damage your carpet. The best way -to avoid broken circuits is to change your fuses regularly. - Another common problem is that the lights flicker. This sometimes -means that your electrical system is inadequate, but more often it means -that your home is possessed by demons, in which case you'll need to get a -caulking gun and some caulking. If you're not sure whether your house is -possessed, see "The Amityville Horror", a fine documentary film based on an -actual book. Or call in a licensed electrician, who is trained to spot the -signs of demonic possession, such as blood coming down the stairs, enormous -cats on the dinette table, etc. - -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" % "Your son still sliding down the banisters?" "We wound barbed wire around them." @@ -4796,21 +4074,11 @@ you are young. *** ******* ********* - ****** Confucious say: "Is stuffy inside fortune cookie." + ****** Confucius say: "Is stuffy inside fortune cookie." ******* *** % * * * * * THIS TERMINAL IS IN USE * * * * * -% - It is either through the influence of narcotic potions, of which all -primitive peoples and races speak in hymns, or through the powerful approach -of spring, penetrating with joy all of nature, that those Dionysian stirrings -arise, which in their intensification lead the individual to forget himself -completely. ... Not only does the bond between man and man come to be forged -once again by the magic of the Dionysian rite, but alienated, hostile, or -subjugated nature again celebrates her reconciliation with her prodigal son, -man. - -- Fred Nietzsche, The Birth of Tragedy % === ALL CSH USERS PLEASE NOTE ======================== @@ -4884,7 +4152,7 @@ Note that LET *could* have been defined by: This is believed to speed up execution by as much as a factor of 1.01 or 3.50 depending on whether you believe our friendly marketing representatives. This code was written by a new programmer here (we snatched him away from -Itty Bitti Machines where we was writting COUGHBOL code) so to give him +Itty Bitti Machines where we was writing COUGHBOL code) so to give him confidence we trusted his vows of "it works pretty well" and installed it. % === ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ======================== @@ -4988,13 +4256,9 @@ III. Any body passing through solid matter will leave a perforation 8. Babes in Boyland 9. Santa's Magic Lap 10. Hot Buttered Elves - -- David Letterman's "Top Ten Christmas Movies in Times + -- David Letterman, "Top Ten Christmas Movies in Times Square" % -... A solemn, unsmiling, sanctimonious old iceberg who looked like he -was waiting for a vacancy in the Trinity. - -- Mark Twain -% ... a thing called Ethics, whose nature was confusing but if you had it you were a High-Class Realtor and if you hadn't you were a shyster, a piker and a fly-by-night. These virtues awakened Confidence and enabled you to handle @@ -5068,19 +4332,6 @@ the reader is left as an exercise for the second god coefficient. (A discussion of non-orthogonal, non-integral polytheism is beyond the scope of this article.) % -"... bleakness... desolation... plastic forks..." - -- Zippy the Pinhead -% -... But if we laugh with derision, we will never understand. Human -intellectual capacity has not altered for thousands of years so far as we -can tell. If intelligent people invested intense energy in issues that now -seem foolish to us, then the failure lies in our understanding of their -world, not in their distorted perceptions. Even the standard example of -ancient nonsense -- the debate about angels on pinheads -- makes sense once -you realize that theologians were not discussing whether five or eighteen -would fit, but whether a pin could house a finite or an infinite number. - -- S. J. Gould, "Wide Hats and Narrow Minds" -% ... C++ offers even more flexible control over the visibility of member objects and member functions. Specifically, members may be placed in the public, private, or protected parts of a class. Members declared in the @@ -5094,9 +4345,9 @@ other's private parts. ... computer hardware progress is so fast. No other technology since civilization began has seen six orders of magnitude in performance-price gain in 30 years. - -- Fred Brooks + -- Frederick Brooks % -... difference of opinion is advantagious in religion. The several sects +... difference of opinion is advantageous in religion. The several sects perform the office of a common censor morum over each other. Is uniformity attainable? Millions of innocent men, women, and children, since the introduction of Christianity, have been burnt, tortured, fined, imprisoned; @@ -5160,7 +4411,7 @@ incalculable ... sense of achievement you get from getting them to work at all. In other words... their fundamental design flaws are completely hidden by their superficial design flaws. - -- The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, on the products + -- "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy", on the products of the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation. % ... it still remains true that as a set of cognitive beliefs about the @@ -5181,11 +4432,11 @@ What's that? A chartreuse flamethrower?" -- Individuals who make their abode in vitreous edifices would be well advised to refrain from catapulting projectiles. -- Neophyte's serendipity. --- Exclusive dedication to necessitious chores without interludes of hedonistic +-- Exclusive dedication to necessitous chores without interludes of hedonistic diversion renders John a hebetudinous fellow. -- A revolving concretion of earthy or mineral matter accumulates no congeries of small, green bryophytic plant. --- Abstention from any aleatory undertaking precludes a potential escallation +-- Abstention from any aleatory undertaking precludes a potential escalation of a lucrative nature. -- Missiles of ligneous or osteal consistency have the potential of fracturing osseous structure, but appellations will eternally remain innocuous. @@ -5193,14 +4444,14 @@ What's that? A chartreuse flamethrower?" ** MAXIMUM TERMINALS ACTIVE. TRY AGAIN LATER ** % -- Neophyte's serendipity. --- Exclusive dedication to necessitious chores without interludes of +-- Exclusive dedication to necessitous chores without interludes of hedonistic diversion renders John a hebetudinous fellow. -- A revolving concretion of earthy or mineral matter accumulates no congeries of small, green bryophytic plant. -- The person presenting the ultimate cachinnation possesses thereby the optimal cachinnation. -- Abstention from any aleatory undertaking precludes a potential - escallation of a lucrative nature. + escalation of a lucrative nature. -- Missiles of ligneous or osteal consistency have the potential of fracturing osseous structure, but appellations will eternally remain innocuous. @@ -5211,15 +4462,6 @@ Archaeologists find PDP-11/24 inside brain cavity of fossilized dinosaur skeleton! Many Digital users fear that RSX-11M may be even more primitive than DEC admits. Price adjustments at 11:00. % -*** NEWSFLASH *** - Russian tanks steamrolling through New Jersey!!!! - Details at eleven! -% -... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, -lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of -their C programs. - -- Robert Firth -% ... proper attention to Earthly needs of the poor, the depressed and the downtrodden, would naturally evolve from dynamic, articulate, spirited awareness of the great goals for Man and the society he conspired to erect. @@ -5239,22 +4481,6 @@ awareness of the great goals for Man and the society he conspired to erect. -- The temperature of the aqueous content of an unremittingly galled saucepan does not reach 212 degrees Fahrenheit. % -... So the documentary-makers stick with sharks. Generally, their -procedure is to scatter bleeding fish pieces around their boat, so as -to infest the waters. I would estimate that the primary food source of -sharks today is bleeding fish pieces scattered by people making -documentaries. Once the sharks arrive, they are generally fairly -listless. The general shark attitude seems to be: "Oh God, another -documentary." So the divers have to somehow goad them into attacking, -under the guise of Scientific Research. "We know very little about the -effect of electricity on sharks," the narrator will say, in a deeply -scientific voice. "That is why Todd is going to jab this Great White -in the testicles with a cattle prod." The divers keep this kind of -thing up until the shark finally gets irritated and snaps at them, and -then they act as though this was a totally unexpected and very -dangerous development, although clearly it is what they wanted all along. - -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV" -% ***** Special AI Seminar (abstract) It has been widely recognized that AI programs require expert knowledge @@ -5361,7 +4587,7 @@ into doubt. % ... when fits of creativity run strong, more than one programmer or writer has been known to abandon the desktop for the more spacious floor. - -- Fred Brooks + -- Frederick Brooks % ... which reminds me of the Carrot family: Ma Carrot, Pa Carrot, and Baby Carrot. One fine spring day they decided to go out for a picnic. They all @@ -5384,8 +4610,6 @@ The doctor puts his hand on Pa Carrot's shoulder and solemnly looks him in the eye. "Your son will live... but... he'll be a vegetable for the rest of his life." % -!07/11 PDP a ni deppart m'I !pleH -% 1: A sheet of paper is an ink-lined plane. 2: An inclined plane is a slope up. 3: A slow pup is a lazy dog. @@ -5410,7 +4634,7 @@ QED: A sheet of paper is a lazy dog. % 1 + 1 = 3, for large values of 1. % -1. If it doesn't smell like chilli, it probably isn't. +1. If it doesn't smell like chili, it probably isn't. 2. If you catch an exploding manhole cover, you can keep it. 3. Cabs driving on the sidewalk are not permitted to pick up passengers. 4. It's bad manners to lie down inside someone else's chalk body outline. @@ -5422,20 +4646,12 @@ QED: A sheet of paper is a lazy dog. 10. The city does not employ so called "Wallet Inspectors". -- David Letterman, "Top Ten New York City Pedestrian Tips" % -[1] Alexander the Great was a great general. -[2] Great generals are forewarned. -[3] Forewarned is forearmed. -[4] Four is an even number. -[5] Four is certainly an odd number of arms for a man to have. -[6] The only number that is both even and odd is infinity. - Therefore, Alexander the Great had an infinite number of arms. -% -[1] Alexander the Great was a great general. -[2] Great generals are forewarned. -[3] Forewarned is forearmed. -[4] Four is an even number. -[5] Four is certainly an odd number of arms for a man to have. -[6] The only number that is both even and odd is infinity. +(1) Alexander the Great was a great general. +(2) Great generals are forewarned. +(3) Forewarned is forearmed. +(4) Four is an even number. +(5) Four is certainly an odd number of arms for a man to have. +(6) The only number that is both even and odd is infinity. Therefore, all horses are black. % 1. Avoid fried meats which angry up the blood. @@ -5479,10 +4695,6 @@ The amount of beauty required launch 1 ship = 1 Millihelen % 1 bulls, 3 cows. % -1) Everything depends. -2) Nothing is always. -3) Everything is sometimes. -% 1) Never draw what you can copy. 2) Never copy what you can trace. 3) Never trace what you can cut out and paste down. @@ -5514,7 +4726,7 @@ you have to (always catch the buyer hungry and always make him wait). 2. I, David Letterman, will never rent out my farm again. 1. We are stardust. We are golden. We are going to look really stupid to future generations. - -- David Letterman, Top Ten Lessons of Woodstock + -- David Letterman, "Top Ten Lessons of Woodstock" % 10 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Woman: @@ -5523,8 +4735,8 @@ you have to (always catch the buyer hungry and always make him wait). 3. A beer doesn't think baseball is stupid simply because the guys spit. 4. A beer doesn't give a [expletive deleted] if you keep a bunch of other beers on the side. - 5. A beer will not call you a sexist pig if you say "doberman" instead of - "doberperson". + 5. A beer will not call you a sexist pig if you say "Doberman" instead of + "Doberperson". 6. A beer won't get a job as a DJ and play 5 straight hours of lesbian folk music on yer fave radio station. 7. A beer understands why The Three Stooges are funny. @@ -5534,24 +4746,10 @@ you have to (always catch the buyer hungry and always make him wait). enormous can of vegetable juice. 10. A beer won't smoke in your car. % -100 buckets of bits on the bus -100 buckets of bits -Take one down, short it to ground -FF buckets of bits on the bus - -FF buckets of bits on the bus -FF buckets of bits -Take one down, short it to ground -FE buckets of bits on the bus... - -ad infinitum... -% $100 placed at 7 percent interest compounded quarterly for 200 years will increase to more than $100,000,000 -- by which time it will be worth nothing. -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough For Love" % -10.0 times 0.1 is hardly ever 1.0. -% 1/2 oz. gin 1/2 oz. vodka 1/2 oz. rum (preferably dark) @@ -5565,22 +4763,6 @@ shake with ice and strain into frosted glass. % 13. ... r-q1 % -17. HO HUM -- The Redundant - -------- (7) This hexagram refers to a situation of extreme ---- --- (8) boredom. Your programs always bomb off. Your wife -------- (7) smells bad. Your children have hives. You are working ----O--- (6) on an accounting system, when you want to develop ----X--- (9) the GREAT AMERICAN COMPILER. You give up hot dates ---- --- (8) to nurse sick computers. What you need now is sex. - -Nine in the second place means: - The yellow bird approaches the malt shop. Misfortune. - -Six in the third place means: - In former times men built altars to honor the Internal - Revenue Service. Great Dragons! Are you in trouble! -% 17th Rule of Friendship: A friend will refrain from telling you he picked up the same amount @@ -5588,9 +4770,6 @@ of life insurance coverage you did for half the price when yours is noncancellable. -- Esquire, May 1977 % -186,000 miles per second: -It isn't just a good idea, it's the law! -% 1893 The ideal brain tonic 1900 Drink Coca-Cola -- delicious and refreshing -- 5 cents at all soda fountains @@ -5631,11 +4810,6 @@ It isn't just a good idea, it's the law! 2nd graffitiest: Why? % -$3,000,000. -% -355/113 -- - Not the famous irrational number PI, but an incredible simulation. -% 3M, under the Scotch brand name, manufactures a fine adhesive for art and display work. This product is called "Craft Mount". 3M suggests that to obtain the best results, one should make the bond "while the @@ -5644,10 +4818,6 @@ tacky" meant until I read today's fortune. [And who said we didn't offer equal time, huh? Ed.] % -3rd Law of Computing: - Anything that can go wr -fortune: Segmentation violation -- Core dumped -% 40 isn't old. If you're a tree. % 4.2 BSD UNIX #57: Sun Jun 1 23:02:07 EDT 1986 @@ -5686,42 +4856,14 @@ Monday at 9 AM". Everything goes dark... 1/2 oz. Galliano Harvey Wallbangers % -7:30, Channel 5: The Bionic Dog (Action/Adventure) - The Bionic Dog drinks too much and kicks over the National - Redwood Forest. - -7:30, Channel 8: The Bionic Dog (Action/Adventure) - The Bionic Dog gets a hormonal short-circuit and violates the - Mann Act with an interstate Greyhound bus. -% 90% of the work takes 90% of the time. The remaining 10% takes the other 90% of the time. % 94% of the women in America are beautiful and the rest hang out around here. % -99 blocks of crud on the disk, -99 blocks of crud! -You patch a bug, and dump it again: -100 blocks of crud on the disk! - -100 blocks of crud on the disk, -100 blocks of crud! -You patch a bug, and dump it again: -101 blocks of crud on the disk! -% -A truly great man will neither trample on a worm nor sneak to an emperor. - -- B. Franklin -% -A baby is an alimentary canal with a loud voice -at one end and no responsibility at the other. -% A bachelor is a man who never made the same mistake once. % -A bachelor is a selfish, undeserving guy -who has cheated some woman out of a divorce. - -- Don Quinn -% A bachelor is an unaltared male. % A bachelor never quite gets over the idea that he is a thing of beauty @@ -5735,10 +4877,6 @@ A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and ask for it back the when it begins to rain. -- Robert Frost % -A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the -sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain. - -- Mark Twain -% A beautiful woman is a blessing from Heaven, but a good cigar is a smoke. -- Kipling % @@ -5774,10 +4912,6 @@ The computer scientist : "Oh, no! A special case!" A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. -- Cervantes % -A bird in the hand is worth what it will bring. -% -A bird in the hand makes it awfully hard to blow your nose. -% A bit of talcum Is always walcum -- Ogden Nash @@ -5804,14 +4938,11 @@ resource centers along the roads. A bore is a man who talks so much about himself that you can't talk about yourself. % -A bore is someone who persists in holding his -own views after we have enlightened him with ours. -% A boss with no humor is like a job that's no fun. % A box without hinges, key, or lid, Yet golden treasure inside is hid. - -- J.R. Tolkien + -- J. R. R. Tolkien % A boy can learn a lot from a dog: obedience, loyalty, and the importance of turning around three times before lying down. @@ -5820,9 +4951,6 @@ of turning around three times before lying down. A boy gets to be a man when a man is needed. -- John Steinbeck % -A budget is just a method of worrying -before you spend money, as well as afterward. -% A bug in the code is worth two in the documentation. % A bug in the hand is better than one as yet undetected. @@ -5851,12 +4979,9 @@ is to make a copy of everything before he destroys it. A businessman is a hybrid of a dancer and a calculator. -- Paul Valery % -"A can of ASPARAGUS, 73 pigeons, some LIVE ammo, and a FROZEN DAIQURI!!" +"A can of ASPARAGUS, 73 pigeons, some LIVE ammo, and a FROZEN DAIQUIRI!!" -- Zippy the Pinhead % -A candidate is a person who gets money from the rich -and votes from the poor to protect them from each other. -% A cannibal warrior is experiencing severe gastric distress, so he goes to his Village Witch Doctor with his complaint. The VWD examines him and, concluding that something he ate disagreed with him, began to cross @@ -5885,8 +5010,6 @@ A casual stroll through a lunatic asylum shows that faith does not prove anything. -- Friedrich Nietzsche % -A celebrity is a person who is known for his well-knownness. -% A certain amount of opposition is a help, not a hindrance. Kites rise against the wind, not with it. % @@ -5897,7 +5020,7 @@ invariably sat silent. The monk had already asked about a bean, a lake, and a moonlit night. One day he brought to Tortue a piece of string, and asked the same question. In reply, the Grand Tortue grasped the loop between his feet and, with a few simple manipulations, created a complex -string which he proferred wordlessly to the monk. At that moment, the monk +string which he proffered wordlessly to the monk. At that moment, the monk was enlightened. From then on, the monk did not bother Tortue. Instead, he made string after @@ -5933,38 +5056,13 @@ and a half." % A chicken is an egg's way of producing more eggs. % -A child can go only so far in life without potty training. It is not mere -coincidence that six of the last seven presidents were potty trained, not -to mention nearly half of the nation's state legislators. - -- Dave Barry -% -A Christian is a man who feels repentance on Sunday for what he did on -Saturday and is going to do on Monday. - -- Thomas Ybarra -% A chronic disposition to inquiry deprives domestic felines of vital qualities. % -A chubby man with a white beard and a red suit -will approach you soon. Avoid him. He's a Commie. -% -A citizen of America will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, but -won't cross the street to vote in a national election. - -- Bill Vaughan -% -A city is a large community where people are lonesome together. - -- Herbert Prochnow -% A clash of doctrine is not a disaster - it is an opportunity. % -A classic is something that everyone wants to have read -and nobody wants to read. - -- Mark Twain, "The Disappearance of Literature" -% A clever prophet makes sure of the event first. % -A closed mouth gathers no foot. -% A cloud does not know why it moves in just such a direction and at such a speed, if feels an impulsion... this is the place to go now. But the sky knows the reasons and the patterns behind all clouds, and you will @@ -6089,33 +5187,15 @@ A computer scientist is someone who fixes things that aren't broken. A computer without COBOL and Fortran is like a piece of chocolate cake without ketchup and mustard. % -A conclusion is simply the place where someone got tired of thinking. -% A conference is a gathering of important people who singly can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done. -- Fred Allen % -A CONS is an object which cares. - -- Bernie Greenberg. -% A conservative is a man who is too cowardly to fight and too fat to run. -- Elbert Hubbard % -A conservative is a man -who believes that nothing should be done for the first time. - -- Alfred E. Wiggam -% -A conservative is a man -with two perfectly good legs who has never learned to walk. - -- Franklin D. Roosevelt -% -A conservative is one who is too cowardly to fight and too fat to run. -% A couch is as good as a chair. % -A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats. - -- B. Franklin -% A couple of young fellers were fishing at their special pond off the beaten track when out of the bushes jumped the Game Warden. Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods @@ -6159,22 +5239,15 @@ A critic is a bundle of biases held loosely together by a sense of taste. -- Whitney Balliett % A "critic" is a man who creates nothing and thereby feels -qualified to judge the work of creative men. There is logic +qualified to judge the work of creative men. There is logic in this; he is unbiased -- he hates all creative people equally. % -A cynic is a person searching for an honest man, with a stolen lantern. - -- Edgar A. Shoaff -% -A day for firm decisions!!!!! Or is it? -% A day without orange juice is like a day without orange juice. % A day without sunshine is like a day without Anita Bryant. % A day without sunshine is like a day without orange juice. % -A day without sunshine is like night. -% A dead man cannot bite. -- Gnaeus Pompeius (Pompey) % @@ -6193,9 +5266,6 @@ is high. San Salvador is closer to Saigon than to Munich. A Difficulty for Every Solution. -- Motto of the Federal Civil Service % -A diplomat is a man who can convince his -wife she'd look stout in a fur coat. -% A diplomat is a man who can tell you to go to hell and make the trip sound pleasurable. -- Samuel Clemens @@ -6220,8 +5290,6 @@ of her life?" the woman proceeded bravely on. "Well, I'm wondering, then, how serious my condition is. This prescription is marked `NO REFILLS'". % -A diva who specializes in risque arias is an off-coloratura soprano. -% A doctor calls his patient to give him the results of his tests. "I have some bad news," says the doctor, "and some worse news." The bad news is that you only have six weeks to live." @@ -6235,9 +5303,6 @@ waters. The doctor tried to swim ashore but was eaten by the sharks. The lawyer, however, swam safely past the bloodthirsty sharks. "Professional courtesy," he explained. % -A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of. - -- Ogden Nash -% A drama critic is a person who surprises a playwright by informing him what he meant. -- Wilson Mizner @@ -6261,18 +5326,7 @@ A fair exterior is a silent recommendation. A fake fortuneteller can be tolerated. But an authentic soothsayer should be shot on sight. Cassandra did not get half the kicking around she deserved. - -- R.A. Heinlein -% -A famous Lisp Hacker noticed an Undergraduate sitting in front of a Xerox -1108, trying to edit a complex Klone network via a browser. Wanting to help, -the Hacker clicked one of the nodes in the network with the mouse, and asked -"what do you see?" Very earnestly, the Undergraduate replied, "I see a -cursor." The Hacker then quickly pressed the boot toggle at the back of -the keyboard, while simultaneously hitting the Undergraduate over the head -with a thick Interlisp Manual. The Undergraduate was then Enlightened. -% -A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject. - -- Winston Churchill + -- Robert A. Heinlein % A farmer is a man outstanding in his field. % @@ -6299,7 +5353,7 @@ He was something of an animist, however, and felt that the car really ought to have a name. This presented a problem, as he was not sure if the name should be masculine or feminine. After considerable thought, he settled on an naming the car either -Belchazar or Beaumadine, but remained in a quandry about the final choice. +Belchazar or Beaumadine, but remained in a quandary about the final choice. "Is a Nissan male or female?" he began asking his friends. Most of them looked at him peculiarly, mumbled things about urgent appointments, and went on their way rather quickly. @@ -6359,17 +5413,9 @@ A fool and your money are soon partners. A fool is a man who worries about whether or not his lover has integrity. A wise man, on the other hand, busies himself with deeper attributes. % -A fool must now and then be right by chance. -% A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds. -- Ralph Waldo Emerson % -A fool-proof method for sculpting an elephant: first, get a huge block -of marble; then you chip away everything that doesn't look like an elephant. -% -A formal parsing algorithm should not always be used. - -- D. Gries -% A Fortran compiler is the hobgoblin of little minis. % A fox is wolf who sends flowers. @@ -6390,14 +5436,12 @@ You'll just be walking down the street and... Ooohh, that's much better. A friend of mine won't get a divorce, because he hates lawyers more than he hates his wife. % -A friend with weed is a friend indeed. -% A full belly makes a dull brain. - -- Ben Franklin + -- Benjamin Franklin [and the local candy machine man. Ed] % -A 'full' life in my experience is usually full only of other +A "full" life in my experience is usually full only of other people's demands. % A furore Normanorum libera nos, O Domine! @@ -6434,15 +5478,6 @@ A gentleman never strikes a lady with his hat on. % A gift of a flower will soon be made to you. % -A girl and a boy bump into each other -- surely a coincidence. A girl and -a boy bump and her handkerchief drops -- surely another coincidence. But -when a girl gives a boy a dead squid, *that had to mean SOMETHING!* -% -A girl and a boy bump into each other -- surely an accident. -A girl and a boy bump and her handkerchief drops -- surely another accident. -But when a girl gives a boy a dead squid -- *that had to mean something*. - -- S. Morganstern, "The Silent Gondoliers" -% A girl with a future avoids the man with a past. -- Evan Esar, "The Humor of Humor" % @@ -6452,24 +5487,6 @@ A girl's best friend is her mutter. A girl's conscience doesn't really keep her from doing anything wrong-- it merely keeps her from enjoying it. % -A gleekzorp without a tornpee is like -a quop without a fertsneet (sort of). -% -A [golf] ball hitting a tree shall be deemed not to have hit the tree. -Hitting a tree is simply bad luck and has no place in a scientific game. -The player should estimate the distance the ball would have traveled if it -had not hit the tree and play the ball from there, preferably atop a nice -firm tuft of grass. - -- Donald A. Metz -% -A [golf] ball sliced or hooked into the rough shall be lifted and placed in -the fairway at a point equal to the distance it carried or rolled into the -rough. Such veering right or left frequently results from friction between -the face of the club and the cover of the ball and the player should not be -penalized for the erratic behavior of the ball resulting from such -uncontrollable physical phenomena. - -- Donald A. Metz -% A good man always knows his limitations. -- Harry Callahan % @@ -6499,7 +5516,7 @@ A good supervisor can step on your toes without messing up your shine. A GOOD WAY TO THREATEN somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold the burning fuse to the phone. "Hear that?" you say. "That's dynamite, baby." - -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. + -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican", 1988. % A gossip is one who talks to you about others, a bore is one who talks to you about himself; and a brilliant conversationalist is one who talks to @@ -6519,20 +5536,16 @@ to take it all away. A grammarian's life is always intense. % A great empire, like a great cake, is most easily diminished at the edges. - -- B. Franklin -% -A great many people think they are thinking -when they are merely rearranging their prejudices. - -- William James + -- Benjamin Franklin % A green hunting cap squeezed the top of the fleshy balloon of a head. The green earflaps, full of large ears and uncut hair and the fine bristles that -grew in the ears themselvse, stuck out on either side like turn signals +grew in the ears themselves, stuck out on either side like turn signals indicating two directions at once. Full, pursed lips protruded beneath the bushy black moustache and, at their corners, sank into little folds filled with disapproval and potato chip crumbs. In the shadow under the green visor of the cap Ignatius J. Reilly's supercilious blue and yellow eyes looked down -upon the other people waiting under the clock at the D.H. Holmes department +upon the other people waiting under the clock at the D. H. Holmes department store, studying the crowd of people for signs of bad taste in dress. Several of the outfits, Ignatius noticed, were new enough and expensive enough to be properly considered offenses against taste and decency. Possession of @@ -6611,7 +5624,7 @@ talk about Deimos rising in the East?' I said, `Yes?' He said `No.' -- attributed to Ray Bradbury % A horse! A horse! My kingdom for a horse! - -- Wm. Shakespeare, "Henry VI" + -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI" % A hundred thousand lemmings can't be wrong! % @@ -6625,27 +5638,6 @@ A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted. A hypocrite is a person who ... but who isn't? -- Don Marquis % -A hypothetical paradox: - What would happen in a battle between an Enterprise security team, -who always get killed soon after appearing, and a squad of Imperial -Stormtroopers, who can't hit the broad side of a planet? - -- Tom Galloway -% -A is for Amy who fell down the stairs, B is for Basil assaulted by bears. -C is for Clair who wasted away, D is for Desmond thrown out of the sleigh. -E is for Ernest who choked on a peach, F is for Fanny, sucked dry by a leech. -G is for George, smothered under a rug, H is for Hector, done in by a thug. -I is for Ida who drowned in the lake, J is for James who took lye, by mistake. -K is for Kate who was struck with an axe, L is for Leo who swallowed some tacks. -M is for Maud who was swept out to sea, N is for Nevil who died of enui. -O is for Olive, run through with an awl, P is for Prue, trampled flat in a brawl -Q is for Quinton who sank in a mire, R is for Rhoda, consumed by a fire. -S is for Susan who parished of fits, T is for Titas who flew into bits. -U is for Una who slipped down a drain, V is for Victor, squashed under a train. -W is for Winie, embedded in ice, X is for Xercies, devoured by mice. -Y is for Yoric whose head was bashed in, Z is for Zilla who drank too much gin. - -- Edward Gorey "The Gastly Crumb Tines" -% A is for Apple. -- Hester Pryne % @@ -6692,9 +5684,6 @@ Earthen vessels Simply handed in through the window. There is certainly no blame in this. % -A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer. - -- Robert Frost -% A key to the understanding of all religions is that a God's idea of a good time is a game of Snakes and Ladders with greased rungs. % @@ -6709,30 +5698,9 @@ A kiss is a course of procedure, cunningly devised, for the mutual stoppage of speech at a moment when words are superfluous. % -A lack of leadership is no substitute for inaction. -% A lady is one who never shows her underwear unintentionally. -- Lillian Day % -A lady with one of her ears applied -To an open keyhole heard, inside, -Two female gossips in converse free -- -The subject engaging them was she. -"I think", said one, "and my husband thinks -That she's a prying, inquisitive minx!" -As soon as no more of it she could hear -The lady, indignant, removed her ear. -"I will not stay," she said with a pout, -"To hear my character lied about!" - -- Gopete Sherany -% -A language that doesn't affect the way you -think about programming is not worth knowing. -% -A language that doesn't have everything is -actually easier to program in than some that do. - -- D.M. Ritchie -% A lanky Texan was mad because Texas had just become the second largest state in the Union, so he made up his mind to move to Alaska. He drove for three days and three nights to get there and finally he came to what looked like the state @@ -6754,10 +5722,6 @@ with his clothes almost torn off and his face scratched and bloody. He was smiling happily. "Now," he roared, "where's that damn Eskimo woman you want killed?" % -A large number of installed systems work by fiat. -That is, they work by being declared to work. - -- Anatol Holt -% A large spider in an old house built a beautiful web in which to catch flies. Every time a fly landed on the web and was entangled in it the spider devoured him, so that when another fly came along he would think the web was a safe and @@ -6774,10 +5738,6 @@ to the flypaper with all the other flies. Moral: There is no safety in numbers, or in anything else. -- James Thurber, "The Fairly Intelligent Fly" % -A Law of Computer Programming: - Make it possible for programmers to write in English - and you will find that programmers cannot write in English. -% A liberal is a man too broadminded to take his own side in a quarrel. -- Robert Frost % @@ -6798,25 +5758,18 @@ A life spent in search of the perfect hash brownie is a life well spent. A lifetime isn't nearly long enough to figure out what it's all about. % A light wife doth make a heavy husband. - -- Wm. Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice" + -- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice" % A likely impossibility is always preferable to an unconvincing possibility. -- Aristotle % -A LISP programmer knows the value of -everything, but the cost of nothing. - -- Alan Perlis -% A list is only as strong as its weakest link. - -- Don Knuth + -- Donald E. Knuth % A little experience often upsets a lot of theory. % A little inaccuracy saves a world of explanation. - -- C.E. Ayres -% -A little inaccuracy sometimes saves tons of explanation. - -- H.H. Munro, "Saki" + -- C. E. Ayres % A little kid went up to Santa and asked him, "Santa, you know when I'm bad right?" And Santa says, "Yes, I do." The little kid then asks, "And you @@ -6830,7 +5783,7 @@ those software systems that have excited passionate fans are those that are the products of one or a few designing minds, great designers. Consider Unix, APL, Pascal, Modula, the Smalltalk interface, even Fortran; and contrast them with Cobol, PL/I, Algol, MVS/370, and MS-DOS. - -- Fred Brooks + -- Frederick Brooks % A little word of doubtful number, A foe to rest and peaceful slumber. @@ -6842,20 +5795,8 @@ What am I? % A log may float in a river, but that does not make it a crocodile. % -A long memory is the most subversive idea in America. -% -A long-forgotten loved one will appear soon. -Buy the negatives at any price. -% A lost ounce of gold may be found, a lost moment of time never. % -A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me. I'm afraid of widths. - -- Steve Wright -% -A lot of people I know believe in positive thinking, -and so do I. I believe everything positively stinks. - -- Lew Col -% A lover without indiscretion is no lover at all. -- Thomas Hardy % @@ -6873,7 +5814,7 @@ a beautiful woman. Somewhere, somebody's tired of her. % A man always remembers his first love with special tenderness, but after that begins to bunch them. - -- Mencken + -- H. L. Mencken % A man arrived home early to find his wife in the arms of his best friend, who swore how much they were in love. To quiet the enraged husband, the @@ -6952,7 +5893,7 @@ staggers up to the door and confronts the head waiter. "I'm sorry, sir, ties required." % A man is known by the company he organizes. - -- A. Bierce + -- Ambrose Bierce % A man is like a rusty wheel on a rusty cart, He sings his song as he rattles along and then he falls apart. @@ -7011,12 +5952,6 @@ His errors are volitional and are the portals of discovery. % A man paints with his brains and not with his hands. % -A man said to the Universe: - "Sir, I exist!" - "However," replied the Universe, - "the fact has not created in me a sense of obligation." - -- Stephen Crane -% A man took his wife deer hunting for the first time. After he'd given her some basic instructions, they agreed to separate and rendezvous later. Before he left, he warned her if she should fell a deer to be wary of hunters who @@ -7093,8 +6028,6 @@ turn be analyzed and prevented by predicting that it would occur, then man would deliberately go mad to prove his point. -- Feodor Dostoevsky, "Notes From the Underground" % -A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small package. -% A man's best friend is his dogma. % A man's gotta know his limitations. @@ -7127,9 +6060,6 @@ from her body than could be contained in a cylinder 4 feet in diameter and 6 feet high." The engineer says: "I think she's sitting in a puddle." % -A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems. - -- P. Erdos -% A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and the hours are lost. % @@ -7137,40 +6067,9 @@ A memorandum is written not to inform the reader, but to protect the writer. -- Dean Acheson % -A method of solution is perfect if we can forsee from the start, +A method of solution is perfect if we can foresee from the start, and even prove, that following that method we shall attain our aim. - -- Leibnitz -% -A Mexican newspaper reports that bored Royal Air Force pilots stationed -on the Falkland Islands have devised what they consider a marvelous new -game. Noting that the local penguins are fascinated by airplanes, the -pilots search out a beach where the birds are gathered and fly slowly -along it at the water's edge. Perhaps ten thousand penguins turn their -heads in unison watching the planes go by, and when the pilots turn -around and fly back, the birds turn their heads in the opposite -direction, like spectators at a slow-motion tennis match. Then, the -paper reports "The pilots fly out to sea and directly to the penguin -colony and overfly it. Heads go up, up, up, and ten thousand penguins -fall over gently onto their backs. - -- Audobon Society Magazine - -2001-02-02, from http://news.bbc.co.uk: - -For five weeks, a team from the British Antarctic Survey (BAS) -monitored 1,000 king penguins on the island of South Georgia as -Lynx helicopters passed overhead. - -"Not one king penguin fell over when the helicopters came over," -said team leader Dr Richard Stone. - -"As the aircraft approached, the birds went quiet and stopped -calling to each other, and adolescent birds that were not associated -with nests began walking away from the noise. Pure animal instinct, -really." - -The conclusion, said Dr Stone, is that flights over 305 metres -(1,000 feet) caused "only minor and transitory ecological effects" -on king penguins. + -- Gottfried Wilhelm Leibniz % A mighty creature is the germ, Though smaller than the pachyderm. @@ -7190,11 +6089,6 @@ A modest woman, dressed out in all her finery, is the most tremendous object in the whole creation. -- Goldsmith % -A Mormon is a man that has the bad taste and the religion to do what a good -many other people are restrained from doing by conscientious scruples and -the police. - -- Mr. Dooley -% A mother mouse was taking her large brood for a stroll across the kitchen floor one day when the local cat, by a feat of stealth unusual even for its species, managed to trap them in a corner. The children cowered, @@ -7238,11 +6132,6 @@ A national debt, if it is not excessive, will be to us a national blessing. -- Alexander Hamilton % -A neighbor came to Nasrudin, asking to borrow his donkey. "It is out on -loan," the teacher replied. At that moment, the donkey brayed loudly inside -the stable. "But I can hear it bray, over there." "Whom do you believe," -asked Nasrudin, "me or a donkey?" -% A new 'chutist had just jumped from the plane at 10,000 feet, and soon discovered that all his lines were hopelessly tangled. At about 5,000 feet, still struggling, he noticed someone coming up from the ground at about the @@ -7251,15 +6140,6 @@ same speed as he was going towards the ground. As they passed each other at The reply came, fading towards the end, "NO! DO YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT COLEMAN STOVES?" % -A new koan: - If you have some ice cream, I will give it to you. - If you have no ice cream, I will take it away from you. -It is an ice cream koan. -% -A new supply of round tuits has arrived and are available from Mary. -Anyone who has been putting off work until they got a `round tuit' -now has no excuse for further procrastination. -% A new taste had been acquired and a new appetite began to grow. The time had long since arrived to crush the technical intelligentsia, which had come to regard itself as too irreplaceable and had not gotten used to @@ -7309,13 +6189,6 @@ A newspaper is a circulating library with high blood pressure. A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore. -- Yogi Berra % -A Nixon [is preferable to] a Dean Rusk -- who will be -passionately wrong with a high sense of consistency. - -- J.K. Galbraith -% -A non-vegetarian anti-abortionist is a contradiction in terms. - -- Phyllis Schlafly -% A novice asked the Master: "Here is a programmer that never designs, documents or tests his programs. Yet all who know him consider him one of the bests programmer in the world. Why is this?" @@ -7346,10 +6219,8 @@ His Master is kind, Answering his FAQ quickly, With thought and sarcasm. % -A nuclear war can ruin your whole day. -% A pain in the ass of major dimensions. - -- C.A. Desoer, on the solution of non-linear circuits + -- C. A. Desoer, on the solution of non-linear circuits % A Parable of Modern Research: @@ -7363,9 +6234,6 @@ A paranoid is a man who knows a little of what's going on. % A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the pants. % -A pedestal is as much a prison as any small, confined space. - -- Gloria Steinem -% A pencil with no point needs no eraser. % "A penny for your thoughts?" @@ -7376,8 +6244,6 @@ A penny saved has not been spent. % A penny saved is a penny taxed. % -A penny saved is ridiculous. -% A penny saved kills your career in government. % A people living under the perpetual menace of war and invasion is very easy to @@ -7395,24 +6261,16 @@ unspoken admiration, what a monster, I say, would such a female be! % A person forgives only when they are in the wrong. % -A person is just about as big as the things that make him angry. -% -A person who has both feet planted firmly -in the air can be safely called a liberal. -% A person who has nothing looks at all there is and wants something. A person who has something looks at all there is and wants all the rest. % A person who is more than casually interested in computers should be well schooled in machine language, since it is a fundamental part of a computer. - -- Donald Knuth + -- Donald E. Knuth % A pessimist is a man who has been compelled to live with an optimist. -- Elbert Hubbard % -A physicist is an atoms way of knowing about atoms. - -- George Wald -% A pickup with three guys in it pulls into the lumber yard. One of the men gets out and goes into the office. "I need some four-by-two's," he says. @@ -7429,17 +6287,6 @@ check," he says. conversation. The guy comes back into the office. "A long time," he says, "we're building a house". % -A pig is a jolly companion, -Boar, sow, barrow, or gilt -- -A pig is a pal, who'll boost your morale, -Though mountains may topple and tilt. -When they've blackballed, bamboozled, and burned you, -When they've turned on you, Tory and Whig, -Though you may be thrown over by Tabby and Rover, -You'll never go wrong with a pig, a pig, -You'll never go wrong with a pig! - -- Thomas Pynchon, "Gravity's Rainbow" -% A pipe gives a wise man time to think and a fool something to stick in his mouth. % @@ -7477,7 +6324,7 @@ paycheck?" % A political man can have as his aim the realization of freedom, but he has no means to realize it other than through violence. - -- Jean Paul Sartre + -- Jean-Paul Sartre % A possum must be himself, and being himself he is honest. -- Walt Kelly @@ -7495,31 +6342,13 @@ A prediction is worth twenty explanations. A pretty foot is one of the greatest gifts of nature... please send me your last pair of shoes, already worn out in dancing... so I can have something of yours to press against my heart. - -- Goethe + -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe % A pretty woman can do anything; an ugly woman must do everything. % A priest advised Voltaire on his death bed to renounce the devil. Replied Voltaire, "This is no time to make new enemies." % -A priest asked: What is Fate, Master? - - And the Master answered: - It is that which gives a beast of burden its reason for existence. -It is that which men in former times had to bear upon their backs. - - It is that which has caused nations to build byways from City -to City upon which carts and coaches pass, and alongside which inns -have come to be built to stave off Hunger, Thirst and Weariness. - - And that is Fate? said the priest. - - Fate... I thought you said Freight, responded the Master. - - That's all right, said the priest. I wanted to know -what Freight was too. - -- Kehlog Albran -% A prig is a fellow who is always making you a present of his opinions. -- George Eliot % @@ -7530,24 +6359,12 @@ asks you not to kill him. A private sin is not so prejudicial in the world as a public indecency. -- Miguel de Cervantes % -A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep. -% -A programmer is a person who passes as an exacting expert on the basis of -being able to turn out, after innumerable punching, an infinite series of -incomprehensible answers calculated with micrometric precisions from vague -assumptions based on debatable figures taken from inconclusive documents -and carried out on instruments of problematical accuracy by persons of -dubious reliability and questionable mentality for the avowed purpose of -annoying and confounding a hopelessly defenseless department that was -unfortunate enough to ask for the information in the first place. - -- IEEE Grid newsmagazine -% A programming language is low level when its programs require attention to the irrelevant. % A prohibitionist is the sort of man one wouldn't care to drink with -- even if he drank. - -- Mencken + -- H. L. Mencken % A prominent broadcaster, on a big-game safari in Africa, was taken to a watering hole where the life of the jungle could be observed. As he @@ -7572,15 +6389,6 @@ A psychiatrist is a fellow who asks you a lot of expensive questions your wife asks you for nothing. -- Joey Adams % -A psychiatrist is a person who will give you expensive answers that -your wife will give you for free. -% -A putt that stops close enough to the cup to inspire such comments as -"you could blow it in" may be blown in. This rule does not apply if -the ball is more than three inches from the hole, because no one wants -to make a travesty of the game. - -- Donald A. Metz -% A rabbi and a priest are sitting together on a train, and the rabbi leans over and asks, "So, how high can you advance in your organization?" The priest replies, "Well, if I am lucky, I guess I could become a @@ -7598,10 +6406,6 @@ up from being the Pope?" "What?! I should be the Messiah himself?!" The rabbi leaned back and smiled. "One of our boys made it." % -A raccoon tangled with a 23,000 volt line today. The results -blacked out 1400 homes and, of course, one raccoon. - -- Steel City News -% A racially integrated community is a chronological term timed from the entrance of the first black family to the exit of the last white family. -- Saul Alinsky @@ -7625,15 +6429,7 @@ A real friend isn't someone you use once and then throw away. A real friend is someone you can use over and over again. % A real gentleman never takes bases unless he really has to. - -- Overheard in an algebra lecture. -% -A real patriot is the fellow who gets a parking -ticket and rejoices that the system works. -% -A recent study has found that concentrating on difficult off-screen -objects, such as the faces of loved ones, causes eye strain in computer -scientists. Researchers into the phenomenon cite the added concentration -needed to "make sense" of such unnatural three dimensional objects. + -- Overheard in an algebra lecture % A rich man told me recently that a liberal is a man who tells other people what to do with their money. @@ -7646,10 +6442,6 @@ A robin redbreast in a cage Puts all Heaven in a rage. -- Blake % -A rock pile ceases to be a rock pile the moment a single -man contemplates it, bearing within him the image of a cathedral. - -- Antoine de Saint-Exupery -% A rolling disk gathers no MOS. % A rolling stone gathers momentum. @@ -7733,30 +6525,11 @@ of this necessary reorganization of our lives. It is difficult to believe that this state of mind can be produced by the recognition of such facts as that unsupported stones always fall to the ground. - -- J.W.N. Sullivan -% -A sense of humor keen enough to show a man his own absurdities will keep -him from the commission of all sins, or nearly all, save those that are -worth committing. - -- Samuel Butler + -- J. W. N. Sullivan % A sequel is an admission that you've been reduced to imitating yourself. -- Don Marquis % -A Severe Strain on the Credulity - As a method of sending a missile to the higher, and even to the -highest parts of the earth's atmospheric envelope, Professor Goddard's rocket -is a practicable and therefore promising device. It is when one considers the -multiple-charge rocket as a traveler to the moon that one begins to doubt... -for after the rocket quits our air and really starts on its journey, its -flight would be neither accelerated nor maintained by the explosion of the -charges it then might have left. Professor Goddard, with his "chair" in -Clark College and countenancing of the Smithsonian Institution, does not -know the relation of action to re-action, and of the need to have something -better than a vacuum against which to react... Of course he only seems to -lack the knowledge ladled out daily in high schools. - -- New York Times Editorial, 1920 -% A sharper perspective on this matter is particularly important to feminist thought today, because a major tendency in feminism has constructed the problem of domination as a drama of female vulnerability victimized by male @@ -7773,9 +6546,6 @@ is to substitute moral outrage for analysis. % A shortcut is the longest distance between two points. % -A sine curve goes off to infinity, or at least the end of the blackboard. - -- Prof. Steiner -% A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic. -- Joseph Stalin % @@ -7870,25 +6640,8 @@ will be up to. Individuals vary, but percentages remain constant. So says the statistician." -- Sherlock Holmes, "The Sign of Four" % -A straw vote only shows which way the hot air blows. -% -A straw vote only shows which way the hot air blows. - -- O'Henry -% -A student, in hopes of understanding the Lambda-nature, came to Greenblatt. -As they spoke a Multics system hacker walked by. "Is it true", asked the -student, "that PL-1 has many of the same data types as Lisp?" Almost before -the student had finished his question, Greenblatt shouted, "FOO!", and hit -the student with a stick. -% -A student who changes the course of history is probably taking an exam. -% A stunning blonde, but probably all bean dip above the eyebrows. % -A successful tool is one that was used to do something -undreamed of by its author. - -- S.C. Johnson -% A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the word you first thought of. -- Burt Bacharach @@ -7904,12 +6657,12 @@ The Metamorphosis LITE(tm) A man turns into a bug and his family gets annoyed. Lord of the Rings LITE(tm) - -- by J.R.R. Tolkien + -- by J. R. R. Tolkien Some guys take a long vacation to throw a ring into a volcano. Hamlet LITE(tm) - -- by Wm. Shakespeare + -- by William Shakespeare A college student on vacation with family problems, a screwy girl-friend and a mother who won't act her age. @@ -7922,7 +6675,7 @@ A Tale of Two Cities LITE(tm) lady who knits. Crime and Punishment LITE(tm) - -- by Fyodor Dostoevski + -- by Fyodor Dostoyevsky A man sends a nasty letter to a pawnbroker, but later feels guilty and apologizes. @@ -7945,7 +6698,7 @@ of the Alamo, commented, "I'll bet you never had anyone that brave around help?" % A thing is not necessarily true because a man dies for it. - -- Oscar Wilde, "The Portrait of Mr. W.H." + -- Oscar Wilde, "The Portrait of Mr. W. H." % A timely marriage: one made before your children start nagging you about it. -- Diane Duane @@ -7954,9 +6707,6 @@ A total abstainer is one who abstains from everything but abstention, and especially from inactivity in the affairs of others. -- Ambrose Bierce % -A transistor protected by a fast-acting -fuse will protect the fuse by blowing first. -% A traveling salesman was driving past a farm when he saw a pig with three wooden legs executing a magnificent series of backflips and cartwheels. Intrigued, he drove up to the farmhouse, where he found an old farmer @@ -7979,7 +6729,8 @@ A true artist will let his wife starve, his children go barefoot, his mother drudge for his living at seventy, sooner than work at anything but his art. -- Shaw % -A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn. +A truly great man will neither trample on a worm nor sneak to an emperor. + -- Benjamin Franklin % A truly wise woman never plays leapfrog with a unicorn. % @@ -7987,14 +6738,6 @@ A truth that's told with bad intent Beats all the lies you can invent. -- William Blake % -A university is what a college becomes -when the faculty loses interest in students. - -- John Ciardi -% -A vacuum is a hell of a lot better -than some of the stuff that nature replaces it with. - -- Tennessee Williams -% A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on. -- Samuel Goldwyn % @@ -8012,9 +6755,6 @@ A waist is a terrible thing to mind. % A watched clock never boils. % -A well adjusted person is one who makes -the same mistake twice without getting nervous. -% A well-known friend is a treasure. % A well-used door needs no oil on its hinges. @@ -8041,18 +6781,6 @@ of a well than a fool can from a mountain top. A wise person makes his own decisions, a weak one obeys public opinion. -- Chinese proverb % -A witty saying proves nothing. - -- Voltaire -% -A wizard cannot do everything; a fact most magicians are reticent to admit, -let alone discuss with prospective clients. Still, the fact remains that -there are certain objects, and people, that are, for one reason or another, -completely immune to any direct magical spell. It is for this group of -beings that the magician learns the subtleties of using indirect spells. -It also does no harm, in dealing with these matters, to carry a large club -near your person at all times. - -- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Volume VIII -% A woman can look both moral and exciting -- if she also looks as if it were quite a struggle. -- Edna Ferber @@ -8086,13 +6814,9 @@ A woman is like your shadow; follow her, she flies; fly from her, she follows. -- Chamfort % -A woman may very well form a friendship with a man, but for this to endure, -it must be assisted by a little physical antipathy. - -- Nietzsche -% A woman may very well form a friendship with a man, but for this to endure, it must be assisted by a little physical antipathy. - -- Nietzsche + -- Friedrich Nietzsche % A woman of generous character will sacrifice her life a thousand times over for her lover, but will break with him for ever over a question of @@ -8152,9 +6876,7 @@ what he writes fiction. -- William Faulkner % A yawn is a silent shout. - -- G.K. Chesterton -% -A year spent in Artificial Intelligence is enough to make one believe in God. + -- G. K. Chesterton % A young girl once committed suicide because her mother refused her a new bonnet. Coroner's verdict: "Death from excessive spunk." @@ -8204,13 +6926,6 @@ A: "A symphony is a very complex musical form, perhaps you should begin with Q: "But Herr Mozart, you were writing symphonies when you were 8 years old." A: "But I never asked anybody how." % -A.A.A.A.A.: An organization for drunks who drive. -% -AAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaccccccccckkkkkk!!!!!!!!! -You brute! Knock before entering a ladies room! -% -Abandon the search for Truth; settle for a good fantasy. -% Abbott's Admonitions: 1: If you have to ask, you're not entitled to know. 2: If you don't like the answer, you shouldn't have asked @@ -8247,9 +6962,6 @@ About the only thing on a farm that has an easy time is the dog. About the only thing we have left that actually discriminates in favor of the plain people is the stork. % -About the time we think we can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends. - -- Herbert Hoover -% About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt ax. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead. -- Edsger W. Dijkstra @@ -8281,8 +6993,6 @@ it enkindles the great. % Absence makes the heart forget. % -Absence makes the heart go wander. -% Absence makes the heart grow fonder. -- Sextus Aurelius % @@ -8290,23 +7000,9 @@ Absence makes the heart grow fonder -- of somebody else. % Absence makes the heart grow frantic. % -ABSENT: - Exposed to the attacks of friends and - acquaintances; defamed; slandered. -% -ABSENTEE: - A person with an income who has had the forethought - to remove themselves from the sphere of exaction. -% -Absinthe makes the tart grow fonder. -% Absolutum obsoletum. (If it works, it's out of date.) -- Stafford Beer % -ABSTAINER: - A weak person who yields to the - temptation of denying himself a pleasure. -% Abstract: This study examined the incidence of neckwear tightness among a group of 94 white-collar working men and the effect of a tight business-shirt collar @@ -8317,19 +7013,11 @@ evaluated using a critical flicker frequency (CFF) test. Results of the CFF test indicated that tight neckwear significantly decreased the visual performance of the subjects and that visual performance did not improve immediately when tight neckwear was removed. - -- Langan, L.M. and Watkins, S.M. "Pressure of Menswear on the + -- Langan, L. M. and Watkins, S. M. "Pressure of Menswear on the Neck in Relation to Visual Performance." Human Factors 29, #1 (Feb. 1987), pp. 67-71. % -ABSURDITY: - A statement or belief manifestly - inconsistent with one's own opinion. -% -Academic politics is the most vicious and bitter form of politics, -because the stakes are so low. - -- Wallace Sayre -% -Academicians care, that's who. +Academics care, that's who. % ACADEMY: A modern school where football is taught. @@ -8343,21 +7031,6 @@ Accept people for what they are -- completely unacceptable. ACCEPTANCE TESTING: An unsuccessful attempt to find bugs. % -Acceptance without proof is the fundamental characteristic of Western -religion. Rejection without proof is the fundamental characteristic -of Western science. - -- Gary Zukav, "The Dancing Wu Li Masters" -% -Acceptance without proof is the fundamental characteristic of Western -religion; rejection without proof is the fundamental characteristic of -Western science. - -- Gary Zukav, "The Dancing Wu Li Masters" -% -Accident: - A condition in which presence of mind is good, - but absence of body is better. - -- Foolish Dictionary -% Accidentally Shot Colonel Gray, of Petaluma, came near losing his life a few days ago, in a singular manner. A gentleman with whom he was hunting attempted to @@ -8365,21 +7038,12 @@ bring down a dove, but instead of doing so put the load of shot through the Colonel's hat. One shot took effect in his forehead. -- Sacramento Daily Union, April 20, 1861 % -Accidents cause History. - -If Sigismund Unbuckle had taken a walk in 1426 and met Wat Tyler, the -Peasant's Revolt would never have happened and the motor car would not -have been invented until 2026, which would have meant that all the oil -could have been used for lamps, thus saving the electric light bulb and -the whale, and nobody would have caught Moby Dick or Billy Budd. - -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" -% According to a recent and unscientific national survey, smiling is something everyone should do at least 6 times a day. In an effort to increase the -national average (the US ranks third among the world's superpowers in +national average (the US ranks third among the world's superpowers in smiling), Xerox has instructed all personnel to be happy, effervescent, and most importantly, to smile. Xerox employees agree, and even feel strongly -that they can not only meet but surpass the national average... except for +that they can not only meet but surpass the national average... except for Tubby Ackerman. But because Tubby does such a fine job of racing around parking lots with a large butterfly net retrieving floating IC chips, Xerox decided to give him a break. If you see Tubby in a parking lot he may have @@ -8389,53 +7053,11 @@ sheepish grin" comes from. According to all the latest reports, there was no truth in any of the earlier reports. % -According to Arkansas law, Section 4761, Pope's Digest: "No person -shall be permitted under any pretext whatever, to come nearer than -fifty feet of any door or window of any polling room, from the opening -of the polls until the completion of the count and the certification of -the returns." -% According to convention there is a sweet and a bitter, a hot and a cold, and according to convention, there is an order. In truth, there are atoms and a void. -- Democritus, 400 B.C. % -According to my best recollection, I don't remember. - -- Vincent "Jimmy Blue Eyes" Alo -% -According to the latest official figures, -43% of all statistics are totally worthless. -% -According to the Rand McNally Places-Rated Almanac, the best place to live in -America is the city of Pittsburgh. The city of New York came in twenty-fifth. -Here in New York we really don't care too much. Because we know that we could -beat up their city anytime. - -- David Letterman -% -According to the Rand McNally Places-Rated Almanac, the best place to live in -America is the city of Pittsburgh. The city of New York came in twenty-fifth. -Here in New York we really don't care too much. Because we know that we could -beat up their city anytime. - -- David Letterman -% -ACCORDION: - A bagpipe with pleats. -% -ACCURACY: - The vice of being right. -% -Acid -- better living through chemistry. -% -Acid absorbs 47 times its own weight in excess Reality. -% -Acquaintance, n: - A person whom we know well enough to borrow from but not well - enough to lend to. A degree of friendship called slight when the - object is poor or obscure, and intimate when he is rich or famous. - -- Ambrose Bierce -% -Acting is an art which consists of keeping the audience from coughing. -% Acting is not very hard. The most important things are to be able to laugh and cry. If I have to cry, I think of my sex life. And if I have to laugh, well, I think of my sex life. @@ -8453,11 +7075,6 @@ Richard Burton Richard Jenkins Jr. Roy Rogers Leonard Slye Woody Allen Allen Stewart Konigsberg % -Actor: So what do you do for a living? -Doris: I work for a company that makes deceptively shallow serving - dishes for Chinese restaurants. - -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" -% Actresses will happen in the best regulated families. -- Addison Mizner and Oliver Herford, "The Entirely New Cynic's Calendar", 1905 @@ -8479,21 +7096,10 @@ QED. % Ad astra per aspera. (To the stars by aspiration.) % -ADA: - Something you need only know the name of to be an Expert in - Computing. Useful in sentences like, "We had better develop - an ADA awareness. - -- "Datamation", January 15, 1984 -% ADA: Something you need to know the name of to be an Expert in Computing. Useful in sentences like, "We had better develop an ADA awareness." % -ADA, n.: - Something you need only know the name of to be an Expert in -Computing. Useful in sentences like, "We had better develop an ADA -awareness." -% Adde parvum parvo manus acervus erit. [Add little to little and there will be a big pile.] -- Ovid @@ -8502,7 +7108,7 @@ Adding features does not necessarily increase functionality -- it just makes the manuals thicker. % Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later. - -- F. Brooks, "The Mythical Man-Month" + -- Frederick Brooks Jr., "The Mythical Man Month" Whenever one person is found adequate to the discharge of a duty by close application thereto, it is worse execute by two persons and @@ -8511,7 +7117,7 @@ scarcely done at all if three or more are employed therein. % Adding sound to movies would be like putting lipstick on the Venus de Milo. - -- actress Mary Pickford, 1925 + -- Mary Pickford, actress, 1925 % Adhere to your own act, and congratulate yourself if you have done something strange and extravagant, and broken the monotony of a @@ -8522,18 +7128,6 @@ Adler's Distinction: Language is all that separates us from the lower animals, and from the bureaucrats. % -ADMIRATION: - Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves. -% -ADOLESCENCE: - The stage between puberty and adultery. -% -ADORE: - To venerate expectantly. -% -ADULT: - One old enough to know better. -% Adults die young. % Advancement in position. @@ -8561,7 +7155,7 @@ African violet: Such worth is rare Apple blossom: Preference Bachelor's button: Celibacy Bay leaf: I change but in death -Camelia: Reflected loveliness +Camellia: Reflected loveliness Chrysanthemum, red: I love Chrysanthemum, white: Truth Chrysanthemum, other: Slighted love @@ -8591,13 +7185,6 @@ especially that which is prohibited. -- Newton Minow, Speech to the Association of American Law Schools, 1985 % -After a few boring years, socially meaningful rock 'n' roll died out. -It was replaced by disco, which offers no guidance to any form of life -more advanced than the lichen family. - -- Dave Barry -% -After a number of decimal places, nobody gives a damn. -% After a while you learn the subtle difference Between holding a hand and chaining a soul, And you learn that love doesn't mean security, @@ -8620,10 +7207,6 @@ And you learn and learn With every goodbye you learn. -- Veronic Shoffstall, "Comes the Dawn" % -After all, all he did was string together -a lot of old, well-known quotations. - -- H.L. Mencken, on Shakespeare -% After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said than done. % After all, it is only the mediocre who are always at their best. @@ -8635,47 +7218,13 @@ Need we say it was not love, Just because it perished? -- Edna St. Vincent Millay % -After all, what is your hosts' purpose in having a party? Surely not for -you to enjoy yourself; if that were their sole purpose, they'd have simply -sent champagne and women over to your place by taxi. - -- P.J. O'Rourke -% -After an instrument has been assembled, -extra components will be found on the bench. -% After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before. % -After [Benjamin] Franklin came a herd of Electrical Pioneers whose names -have become part of our electrical terminology: Myron Volt, Mary Louise Amp, -James Watt, Bob Transformer, etc. These pioneers conducted many important -electrical experiments. For example, in 1780 Luigi Galvani discovered (this -is the truth) that when he attached two different kinds of metal to the leg -of a frog, an electrical current developed and the frog's leg kicked, even -though it was no longer attached to the frog, which was dead anyway. -Galvani's discovery led to enormous advances in the field of amphibian -medicine. Today, skilled veterinary surgeons can take a frog that has been -seriously injured or killed, implant pieces of metal in its muscles, and -watch it hop back into the pond just like a normal frog, except for the fact -that it sinks like a stone. - -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?" -% -After his Ignoble Disgrace, Satan was being expelled from -Heaven. As he passed through the Gates, he paused a moment in thought, -and turned to God and said, "A new creature called Man, I hear, is soon -to be created." - "This is true," He replied. - "He will need laws," said the Demon slyly. - "What! You, his appointed Enemy for all Time! You ask for the -right to make his laws?" - "Oh, no!" Satan replied, "I ask only that he be allowed to make -his own." - It was so granted. -% After his legs had been broken in an accident, Mr. Miller sued for damages, claiming that he was crippled and would have to spend the rest of his life in a wheelchair. Although the insurance-company doctor testified that his -bones had healed properly and that he was fully capable of walking, the +bones had healed properly and that he was fully capable of walking, the judge decided for the plaintiff and awarded him $500,000. When he was wheeled into the insurance office to collect his check, Miller was confronted by several executives. "You're not getting away with @@ -8686,9 +7235,6 @@ perjury. Here's the money. What do you intend to do with it?" Stockholm, Berlin, Rome, Athens and, finally, to a place called Lourdes -- where, gentlemen, you'll see yourselves one hell of a miracle." % -After living in New York, you trust nobody, -but you believe everything. Just in case. -% ...[after the announcement of Vanguard] ... Secretary of Defense Charles Wilson (the same "Engine Charlie" who once told the Senate, "[F]or years I've thought that what was good for our country was good for General Motors, @@ -8708,9 +7254,6 @@ with which the shirts could be used as surrender flags. Some Iraqi soldiers carried bleach with them to make their dark shirts white. -- Chuck Shepherd, Funny Times, May 1991 % -After the last of 16 mounting screws has been removed from an access -cover, it will be discovered that the wrong access cover has been removed. -% After this was written there appeared a remarkable posthumous memoir that throws some doubt on Millikan's leading role in these experiments. Harvey Fletcher (1884-1981), who was a graduate student at the University of Chicago, @@ -8753,12 +7296,6 @@ indeed, arroz in Spanish Harlem. % After your lover has gone you will still have PEANUT BUTTER! % -AFTERNOON: - That part of the day we spend worrying - about how we wasted the morning. -% -Afternoon very favorable for romance. Try a single person for a change. -% Against Idleness and Mischief How doth the little busy bee How skillfully she builds her cell! @@ -8804,11 +7341,6 @@ Ahead warp factor one, Mr. Sulu. Ahhhhhh... the smell of cuprinol and mahogany. It excites me to... acts of passion... acts of... ineptitude. % -Aide to Raygun: Sir, the poor are outside protesting your budget cuts. -Raygun himself: Tell them they'll have to help themselves. -Aide to Raygun: Sir, the Pentagon wants another $30 billion. -Raygun himself: Tell them to help themselves. -% Aim for the moon. If you miss, you may hit a star. -- W. Clement Stone % @@ -8832,8 +7364,6 @@ AIR: Air Force Inertia Axiom: Consistency is always easier to defend than correctness. % -Air is water with holes in it. -% Air pollution is really making us pay through the nose. % Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value. @@ -8851,9 +7381,6 @@ as relevant as the question of whether submarines can swim. Alas, how love can trifle with itself! -- William Shakespeare, "The Two Gentlemen of Verona" % -Alas, I am dying beyond my means. - -- Oscar Wilde [as he sipped champagne on his deathbed] -% ALASKA: A prelude to "No." % @@ -8874,28 +7401,6 @@ The surest poison is time. Alcohol is the anesthesia by which we endure the operation of life. -- George Bernard Shaw % -Alden's Laws: - (1) Giving away baby clothes and furniture is the major cause - of pregnancy. - (2) Always be backlit. - (3) Sit down whenever possible. -% -Alden's Laws: - 1: Giving away baby clothes and furniture is the major cause - of pregnancy. - 2: Always be backlit. - 3: Sit down whenever possible. -% -Aleph-null bottles of beer on the wall, -Aleph-null bottles of beer, -You take one down, and pass it around, -Aleph-null bottles of beer on the wall. -% -Alex Haley was adopted! -% -Alexander Graham Bell is alive and well -in New York, and still waiting for a dial tone. -% Alexander Hamilton started the U.S. Treasury with nothing - and that was the closest our country has ever been to being even. -- The Best of Will Rogers @@ -8914,10 +7419,6 @@ ALGORITHM: % Alimony and bribes will engage a large share of your wealth. % -Alimony is a system by which, when two people -make a mistake, one of them continues to pay for it. - -- Peggy Joyce -% Alimony is like buying oats for a dead horse. -- Arthur Baer % @@ -8945,17 +7446,13 @@ All bad precedents began as justifiable measures. Catiline", by Sallust % All business is based on the mutual trust of one of the parts. - -- Poul Henningsen [1894-1967] + -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967) % All constants are variables. % All diplomacy is a continuation of war by other means. -- Chou En Lai % -All flesh is grass. - -- Isaiah -Smoke a friend today. -% All generalizations are false, including this one. -- Mark Twain % @@ -8964,7 +7461,7 @@ barely presentable. -- Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life" % All Gods were immortal. - -- Stanislaw J. Lem, "Unkempt Thoughts" + -- Stanislaw J. Lec, "Unkempt Thoughts" % All great discoveries are made by mistake. -- Young @@ -8981,8 +7478,6 @@ to the future. Never his mind on where he was, on what he was doing. All hope abandon, ye who enter here! -- Dante Alighieri % -All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy. -% All I kin say is when you finds yo'self wanderin' in a peach orchard, ya don't go lookin' for rutabagas. -- Kingfish @@ -9008,9 +7503,6 @@ I want a bottle of Red Eye that's always filled, I like to have a cattle ranch in Beverly Hills. -- Country Joe and the Fish, "Zachariah" % -All I want is a warm bed and a kind word and unlimited power. - -- Ashleigh Brilliant -% All intelligent species own cats. % All is fear in love and war. @@ -9026,19 +7518,19 @@ that said there were eleven countries, in the world this is I think, that have queens as sovereign rulers. That's probably my best shot. % All kings is mostly rapscallions. - --Mark Twain + -- Mark Twain % All laws are simulations of reality. -- John C. Lilly % All life evolves by the differential survival of replicating entities. - -- Dawkins + -- Richard Dawkins % All men have the right to wait in line. % All men know the utility of useful things; but they do not know the utility of futility. - -- Chuang-tzu + -- Chuang Tzu % All men profess honesty as long as they can. To believe all men honest would be folly. @@ -9054,17 +7546,11 @@ and exaggerated sense of their own importance. % All most people want is a little more than they'll ever get. % -All my friends and I are crazy. -That's the only thing that keeps us sane. -% All my friends are getting married, Yes, they're all growing old, They're all staying home on the weekend, They're all doing what they're told. % -All my life I wanted to be someone; I guess I should have been more specific. - -- Jane Wagner -% ALL NEW: Parts not interchangeable with previous model. % @@ -9108,26 +7594,12 @@ goal. Perhaps it is merely that computers are young, programmers are younger, and the young are always optimists. But however the selection process works, the result is indisputable: "This time it will surely run," or "I just found the last bug." - -- Frederick Brooks, "The Mythical Man Month" -% -All programmers are playwrights and all computers are lousy actors. -% -All progress is based upon a universal innate desire of every organism -to live beyond its income. - -- Samuel Butler, "Notebooks" -% -All science is either physics or stamp collecting. - -- Ernest Rutherford + -- Frederick Brooks Jr., "The Mythical Man Month" % All seems condemned in the long run to approximate a state akin to Gaussian noise. -- James Martin % -All snakes who wish to remain in Ireland will please raise their right hands. - -- Saint Patrick -% -All syllogisms have three parts, therefore this is not a syllogism. -% All that glitters has a high refractive index. % All that glitters is not gold; all that wander are not lost. @@ -9140,15 +7612,7 @@ From the ashes a fire shall be woken, A light from the shadows shall spring; Renewed shall be blade that was broken, The crownless again shall be king. - -- J.R.R. Tolkien -% -All the big corporations depreciate their possessions, and you can, too, -provided you use them for business purposes. For example, if you subscribe -to the Wall Street Journal, a business-related newspaper, you can deduct -the cost of your house, because, in the words of U.S. Supreme Court Chief -Justice Warren Burger in a landmark 1979 tax decision: "Where else are you -going to read the paper? Outside? What if it rains?" - -- Dave Barry + -- J. R. R. Tolkien % All the evidence concerning the universe has not yet been collected, so there's still hope. @@ -9177,9 +7641,6 @@ But none was as great as All the men on my staff can type. -- Bella Abzug % -...all the modern inconveniences... - -- Mark Twain -% All the really good ideas I ever had came to me while I was milking a cow. -- Grant Wood % @@ -9187,32 +7648,12 @@ All the simple programs have been written. % All the troubles you have will pass away very quickly. % -All the world's a stage and most of us are desperately un-rehearsed. - -- Sean O'Casey -% -All the world's a VAX, -And all the coders merely butchers; -They have their exits and their entrails; -And one int in his time plays many widths, -His sizeof being N bytes. At first the infant, -Mewling and puking in the Regent's arms. -And then the whining schoolboy, with his Sun, -And shining morning face, creeping like slug -Unwillingly to school. - -- A Very Annoyed PDP-11 -% All things are possible, except for skiing through a revolving door. % All things being equal, you are bound to lose. % All things that are, are with more spirit chased than enjoyed. - -- Shakespeare, "Merchant of Venice" -% -All this wheeling and dealing around, why, it isn't for money, -it's for fun. Money's just the way we keep score. - -- Henry Tyroon -% -All true wisdom is found on T-shirts. + -- William Shakespeare, "Merchant of Venice" % All warranty and guarantee clauses become null and void upon payment of invoice. @@ -9232,20 +7673,11 @@ All your files have been destroyed (sorry). Paul. Allen's Axiom: When all else fails, read the instructions. % -Alliance, n: - In international politics, the union of two thieves who - have their hands so deeply inserted in each other's pocket - that they cannot safely plunder a third. - -- Ambrose Bierce -% All's well that ends. % Almost anything derogatory you could say about today's software design would be accurate. - -- K.E. Iverson -% -ALONE: - In bad company. + -- K. E. Iverson % Also, the Scots are said to have invented golf. Then they had to invent Scotch whiskey to take away the pain and frustration. @@ -9274,20 +7706,6 @@ bought it because I figured it was safe to buy IBM,'" Mr. O'Neil says. "I said, 'No. Wrong. Game over. Next contestant, please.'" -- The Wall Street Journal, December 6, 1989 % -Although written many years ago, Lady Chatterley's Lover has just been -reissued by the Grove Press, and this pictorial account of the day-to-day -life of an English gamekeeper is full of considerable interest to outdoor -minded readers, as it contains many passages on pheasant-raising, the -apprehending of poachers, ways to control vermin, and other chores and duties -of the professional gamekeeper. Unfortunately, one is obliged to wade -through many pages of extraneous material in order to discover and savour -those sidelights on the management of a midland shooting estate, and in this -reviewer's opinion the book cannot take the place of J.R. Miller's "Practical -Gamekeeping." - -- Ed Zern, "Field and Stream", Nov., 1959 -% -Always borrow money from a pessimist; he doesn't expect to be paid back. -% Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest. -- Mark Twain % @@ -9310,23 +7728,9 @@ Always think of something new; this helps you forget your last rotten idea. -- Seth Frankel % -AMAZING BUT TRUE... - If all the salmon caught in Canada in one year were laid end to - end across the Sahara Desert, the smell would be absolutely awful. -% -AMAZING BUT TRUE... - There is so much sand in Northern Africa that if it - were spread out it would completely cover the Sahara Desert. -% -AMBIDEXTROUS: - Able to pick with equal skill a right-hand pocket or a left. -% AMBIGUITY: Telling the truth when you don't mean to. % -Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy. - -- Charlie McCarthy -% Ambition, n: An overmastering desire to be vilified by enemies while living and made ridiculous by friends when dead. @@ -9345,13 +7749,13 @@ and the scum rises to the top. -- Utah Phillips % America is a stronger nation for the ACLU's uncompromising effort. - -- President John F. Kennedy + -- John F. Kennedy The simple rights, the civil liberties from generations of struggle must not be just fine words for patriotic holidays, words we subvert on weekdays, but living, honored rules of conduct amongst us...I'm glad the American Civil Liberties Union gets indignant, and I hope this will always be so. - -- Senator Adlai E. Stevenson + -- Senator Adlai E. Stevenson The ACLU has stood foursquare against the recurring tides of hysteria that from time to time threaten freedoms everywhere... Indeed, it is difficult @@ -9364,23 +7768,8 @@ by the majority they were at the time. America is the country where you buy a lifetime supply of aspirin for one dollar, and use it up in two weeks. % -America may be unique in being a country which has leapt -from barbarism to decadence without touching civilization. - -- John O'Hara -% -America was discovered by Amerigo Vespucci and was named after him, until -people got tired of living in a place called "Vespuccia" and changed its -name to "America". - -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" -% America works less, when you say "Union Yes!" % -American business long ago gave up on demanding that prospective employees -be honest and hardworking. It has even stopped hoping for employees who -are educated enough that they can tell the difference between the men's room -and the women's room without having little pictures on the doors. - -- Dave Barry -% American by birth; Texan by the grace of God. % American cars are made shoddily... @@ -9395,10 +7784,6 @@ America is a large friendly dog in a small room. Every time it wags its tail it knocks over a chair. -- Arnold Toynbee -The United States is like the guy at the party who gives cocaine to -everybody and still nobody likes him. - -- Jim Samuels -% Americans are people who insist on living in the present, tense. % Americans' greatest fear is that America will turn out @@ -9407,8 +7792,6 @@ to have been a phenomenon, not a civilization. % America's best buy for a quarter is a telephone call to the right person. % -Amnesia used to be my favorite word, but then I forgot it. -% AMOEBIT: Amoeba/rabbit cross; it can multiply and divide at the same time. @@ -9425,7 +7808,7 @@ An actor's a guy who if you ain't talkin' about him, ain't listening. -- Marlon Brando % An Ada exception is when a routine gets -in trouble and says 'Beam me up, Scotty'. +in trouble and says "Beam me up, Scotty". % An adequate bootstrap is a contradiction in terms. % @@ -9438,7 +7821,7 @@ An alcoholic is someone you don't like who drinks as much as you do. -- Dylan Thomas % An algorithm must be seen to be believed. - -- D.E. Knuth + -- Donald E. Knuth % An ambassador is an honest man sent abroad to lie and intrigue for the benefit of his country. @@ -9479,19 +7862,6 @@ R: "We don't ever want go abroad." A: "Well, what if you really HAVE to go abroad?" R: "We take tanks." % -An American's a person who isn't afraid to criticize -the president but is always polite to traffic cops. -% -An anthropologist at Tulane has just come back from a field trip to New -Guinea with reports of a tribe so primitive that they have Tide but not -new Tide with lemon-fresh Borax. - -- David Letterman -% -An anthropologist at Tulane has just come back from a field trip to -New Guinea with reports of a tribe so primitive that they have Tide but -not new Tide with lemon-fresh Borax. - -- David Letterman -% An aphorism is never exactly true; it is either a half-truth or one-and-a-half truths. -- Karl Kraus @@ -9521,16 +7891,9 @@ with a vegetable love which would certainly not content me. Why, what a very pure young man this pure young man must be!" - -- W.S. Gilbert, "Patience" + -- W. S. Gilbert, "Patience" [The subject of the humour is, of course, Oscar Wilde] % -An attorney was defending his client against a charge of first-degree -murder. "Your Honor, my client is accused of stuff his lover's -mutilated body into a suitcase and heading for the Mexican border. -Just north of Tijuana a cop spotted her hand sticking out of the -suitcase. Now, I would like to stress that my client is *not* a -murderer. A sloppy packer, maybe..." -% An avocado-tone refrigerator would look good on your resume. % An economist is a man who would marry @@ -9539,11 +7902,9 @@ Farrah Fawcett-Majors for her money. An editor is one who separates the wheat from the chaff and prints the chaff. -- Adlai Stevenson % -An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible. -% An efficient and a successful administration manifests itself equally in small as in great matters. - -- W. Churchill + -- Winston Churchill % An egghead is one who stands firmly on both feet, in mid-air, on both sides of an issue. @@ -9560,8 +7921,6 @@ I've already paid them half of it." "You owe the U.W.C. a *quarter million*?" the woman exclaimed euphorically. "Don't worry, Harry, they'll find us! They'll find us!" % -An elephant is a mouse with an operating system. -% An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician find themselves in an anecdote, indeed an anecdote quite similar to many that you have no doubt already heard. After some observations and rough calculations the @@ -9575,31 +7934,8 @@ trivial a corollary to be significant, let alone funny. % An engineer is someone who does list processing in FORTRAN. % -An Englishman never enjoys himself, except for a noble purpose. - -- A.P. Herbert -% An evil mind is a great comfort. % -An excellence-oriented '80s male does not wear a regular watch. He wears -a Rolex watch, because it weighs nearly six pounds and is advertised -only in excellence-oriented publications such as Fortune and Rich -Protestant Golfer Magazine. The advertisements are written in -incomplete sentences, which is how advertising copywriters denote -excellence: - -"The Rolex Hyperion. An elegant new standard in quality excellence and -discriminating handcraftsmanship. For the individual who is truly able -to discriminate with regard to excellent quality standards of crafting -things by hand. Fabricated of 100 percent 24-karat gold. No watch -parts or anything. Just a great big chunk on your wrist. Truly a -timeless statement. For the individual who is very secure. Who -doesn't need to be reminded all the time that he is very successful. -Much more successful than the people who laughed at him in high -school. Because of his acne. People who are probably nowhere near as -successful as he is now. Maybe he'll go to his 20th reunion, and -they'll see his Rolex Hyperion. Hahahahahahahahaha." - -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence" -% ...an experienced, industrious, ambitious, and quite often picturesque liar. -- Mark Twain @@ -9659,8 +7995,6 @@ bought they stay bought. An honest tale speeds best being plainly told. -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI" % -An idea is not responsible for the people who believe in it. -% An idealist is one who helps the other fellow to make a profit. -- Henry Ford % @@ -9683,16 +8017,6 @@ by the corresponding row and column labels. An investment in knowledge always pays the best interest. -- Benjamin Franklin % -An old Jewish man reads about Einstein's theory of relativity -in the newspaper and asks his scientist grandson to explain it to him. - "Well, zayda, it's sort of like this. Einstein says that if -you're having your teeth drilled without Novocain, a minute seems like -an hour. But if you're sitting with a beautiful woman on your lap, an -hour seems like a minute." - The old man considers this profound bit of thinking for a -moment and says, "And from this he makes a living?" - -- Arthur Naiman -% An old man is lying on his deathbed with all his children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren gathered around, teary-eyed at the approaching finale of a deeply loved family member. The old man is in a light coma, and the doctors @@ -9748,28 +8072,6 @@ Give it clean water and feed it fresh air. Grow a forest -- protect it from axes that hack. Then the Lorax and all of his friends may come back!" % -And as we stand on the edge of darkness -Let our chant fill the void -That others may know - - In the land of the night - The ship of the sun - Is drawn by - The grateful dead. - -- Tibetan "Book of the Dead," ca. 4000 BC. -% -And Bezel saideth unto Sham: `Sham,' he saideth, `Thou shalt goest -unto the town of Begorrah, and there thou shalt fetcheth unto thine -bosom 35 talents, and also shalt thou fetcheth a like number of cubits, -provideth that they are nice and fresh.' - -- Dave Barry -% -And Bezel saideth unto Sham: "Sham," he saideth, "Thou shalt goest -unto the town of Begorrah, and there thou shalt fetcheth unto thine -bosom 35 talents, and also shalt thou fetcheth a like number of cubits, -provideth that they are nice and fresh." - -- Dave Barry, "Getting Religion" -% And did those feet, in ancient times, Walk upon England's mountains green? And was the Holy Lamb of God @@ -9858,9 +8160,6 @@ And it should be the law: If you use the word `paradigm' without knowing what the dictionary says it means, you go to jail. No exceptions. -- David Jones % -And malt does more than Milton can to justify God's ways to man. - -- A.E. Housman -% And miles to go before I sleep. % And now for something completely the same. @@ -9888,8 +8187,6 @@ You're on the right track. Dover, oh Dover, we've missed your clean % And on the eighth day, we bulldozed it. % -And on the seventh day, He exited from append mode. -% ...and report cards I was always afraid to show Mama'd come to school and as I'd sit there softly cryin' @@ -9925,7 +8222,7 @@ black males are primitive because the distance between their navel and penis remains small (relative to body height) throughout life, while white children begin with a small separation but increase it during growth -- the rising belly button as a mark of progress. - -- S.J. Gould, "Racism and Recapitulation" + -- S. J. Gould, "Racism and Recapitulation" % And the silence came surging softly backwards When the plunging hooves were gone... @@ -9934,12 +8231,6 @@ When the plunging hooves were gone... And they shall beat their swords into plowshares, for if you hit a man with a plowshare, he's going to know he's been hit. % -And this is a table ma'am. What in essence it consists of is a horizontal -rectilinear plane surface maintained by four vertical columnar supports, -which we call legs. The tables in this laboratory, ma'am, are as advanced -in design as one will find anywhere in the world. - -- Michael Frayn, "The Tin Men" -% And this is good old Boston, The home of the bean and the cod, Where the Lowells talk only to Cabots, @@ -9983,20 +8274,6 @@ in short, I should have liked, I do confess, to have had the lightest license of a child, and yet been man enough to know its value. -- Charles Dickens % -And yet, seasons must be taken with a grain of salt, for they too have a -sense of humor, as does history. Corn stalks comedy, comedy stalks tragedy, -and this too is historic. And yet, still, when corn meets tragedy face to -face, we have politics. - -- Dalglish, Larsen and Sutherland, "Root Crops and - Ground Cover" -% -And yet, seasons must be taken with a grain of salt, for they too have -a sense of humor, as does history. Corn stalks comedy, comedy stalks -tragedy, and this too is historic. And yet, still, when corn meets -tragedy face to face, we have politics. - -- Dalglish, Larsen and Sutherland, - "Root Crops and Ground Cover" -% And you can't get any Watney's Red Barrel, because the bars close every time you're thirsty... % @@ -10023,8 +8300,6 @@ Animals can be driven crazy by putting too many in too small a pen. Homo sapiens is the only animal that voluntarily does this to himself. -- Lazarus Long % -Ankh if you love Isis. -% Announcing the NEW VAX 11/782!! Be the envy of other major Communist Governments! @@ -10035,38 +8310,18 @@ cracking secret NATO codes and editing propaganda for your own people all at the same time with the other! (Well, you really can't, but the Americans think you can, and that's the point, right?) % -ANOINT: - To grease a king or other great - functionary already sufficiently slippery. -% Another day, another dollar. -- Vincent J. Fuller, defense lawyer for John Hinckley, upon Hinckley's acquittal for shooting President Ronald Reagan. % -Another good night not to sleep in a eucalyptus tree. -% Another megabytes the dust. % -Another possible source of guidance for teenagers is television, but -television's message has always been that the need for truth, wisdom and -world peace pales by comparison with the need for a toothpaste that offers -whiter teeth *and* fresher breath. - -- Dave Barry, "Kids Today: They Don't Know Dum Diddly" -% Another such victory over the Romans, and we are undone. -- Pyrrhus % Answer a fool according to his folly, lest he be wise in his own conceit. - -- Proverbs, 26:5 -% -Anthony's Law of the Workshop: - Any tool when dropped, will roll into the least accessible - corner of the workshop. - -Corollary: - On the way to the corner, any dropped tool will first strike - your toes. + -- Proverbs 26:5 % Antique fairy tale: Little Red Riding Hood. Modern fairy tale: Oswald, acting alone, shot Kennedy. @@ -10093,9 +8348,6 @@ And went off and hid Or I'm told that he did In the Antartical Zonio. % -ANTONYM: - The opposite of the word you're trying to think of. -% Anxious after the delay, Gruber doesn't waste any time getting the Koenig [a modified Porsche] up to speed, and almost immediately we are blowing off Alfas, Fiats, and Lancias full of excited Italians. These people love fast @@ -10108,9 +8360,6 @@ them at 130-plus -- to see if you're paying attention. Any circuit design must contain at least one part which is obsolete, two parts which are unobtainable, and three parts which are still under development. % -Any clod can have the facts, but having opinions is an art. - -- Charles McCabe -% Any coward can sit in his home and criticize a pilot for flying into a mountain in a fog. But I would rather, by far, die on a mountainside than in bed. What kind of man would live where there is no daring? @@ -10118,15 +8367,6 @@ And is life so dear that we should blame men for dying in adventure? Is there a better way to die? -- Charles Lindbergh % -Any excuse will serve a tyrant. - -- Aesop -% -Any father who thinks he's all important should remind himself that this -country honors fathers only one day a year while pickles get a whole week. -% -Any fool can paint a picture, but it takes a -wise person to be able to sell it. -% Any fool can tell the truth, but it requires a man of sense to know how to lie well. -- Samuel Butler @@ -10139,13 +8379,6 @@ Any given program, when running, is obsolete. % Any given program will expand to fill available memory. % -Any great truth can -- and eventually will -- be expressed as a cliche -- -a cliche is a sure and certain way to dilute an idea. For instance, my -grandmother used to say, "The black cat is always the last one off the -fence." I have no idea what she meant, but at one time, it was undoubtedly -true. - -- Solomon Short -% Any instrument when dropped will roll into the least accessible corner. % Any man can work when every stroke of his hand brings down the fruit @@ -10155,7 +8388,7 @@ requires a heroism which is transcendent. -- Henry Ward Beecher % Any man who hates dogs and babies can't be all bad. - -- Leo Rosten, on W.C. Fields + -- Leo Rosten, on W. C. Fields % Any member introducing a dog into the Society's premises shall be liable to a fine of one pound. Any animal leading a blind person shall @@ -10168,12 +8401,9 @@ qualified who is willing to accept the post." "Then I stay," said Dr. Fresh. "I'm not good for much, but I can at least make a decision." "Somewhere," he grumphed, "there must be a naive, opportunistic -young welp with a masochistic streak who would like to run the most +young whelp with a masochistic streak who would like to run the most up-and-down bureaucracy in the history of mankind." - -- R.L. Forward, "Flight of the Dragonfly" -% -Any philosophy that can be put "in a nutshell" belongs there. - -- Sydney Harris + -- R. L. Forward, "Flight of the Dragonfly" % Any president should have the right to shoot at least two people a year without explanation. @@ -10186,74 +8416,37 @@ Any program which runs right is obsolete. % Any programming language is at its best before it is implemented and used. % -Any road followed to its end leads precisely nowhere. Climb the mountain -just a little to test it's a mountain. From the top of the mountain, you -cannot see the mountain. - -- Bene Gesserit proverb -% Any road followed to its end leads precisely nowhere. Climb the mountain just a little to test it's a mountain. From the top of the mountain, you cannot see the mountain. -- Bene Gesserit proverb, "Dune" % -Any small object that is accidentally -dropped will hide under a larger object. -% Any sufficiently advanced bug becomes a feature. % -Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from a rigged demo. -% -Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic. - -- Arthur Clarke -% -Any two philosophers can tell each other all they know in two hours. - -- Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr. -% -Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry. -% Anybody has a right to evade taxes if he can get away with it. No citizen has a moral obligation to assist in maintaining his government. - -- J.P. Morgan + -- J. P. Morgan % Anybody that wants the presidency so much that he'll spend two years organizing and campaigning for it is not to be trusted with the office. -- David Broder % -Anybody who doesn't cut his speed at the -sight of a police car is probably parked. -% -Anybody with money to burn will easily find someone to tend the fire. -% Anyone can become angry -- that is easy; but to be angry with the right person, to the right degree, at the right time, for the right purpose and in the right way -- that is not easy. -- Aristotle % -Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is -supposed to be doing. -% -Anyone can hold the helm when the sea is calm. - -- Publilius Syrus -% "Anyone can say 'no'. It is the first word a child learns and often the first word he speaks. It is a cheap word because it requires no explanation, and many men and women have acquired a reputation for intelligence who know only this word and have used it in place of thought on every occasion." - -- Chuck Jones (Warner Bros. animation director.) + -- Chuck Jones (Warner Bros. animation director.) % Anyone stupid enough to be caught by the police is probably guilty. % -Anyone who cannot cope with mathematics is not fully human. -At best he is a tolerable subhuman who has learned to wear shoes, -bathe and not make messes in the house. - -- Lazarus Long -% Anyone who considers protocol unimportant has never dealt with a cat. - -- R. Heinlein -% -Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined. - -- Samuel Goldwyn + -- Robert A. Heinlein % Anyone who has attended a USENIX conference in a fancy hotel can tell you that a sentence like "You're one of those computer people, aren't you?" @@ -10269,10 +8462,6 @@ Anyone who imagines that all fruits ripen at the same time as the strawberries, knows nothing about grapes. -- Philippus Paracelsus % -Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President -should on no account be allowed to do the job. - -- The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy -% Anyone who knows history, particularly the history of Europe, will, I think, recognize that the domination of education or of government by any one particular religious faith is never a happy arrangement for the people. @@ -10286,10 +8475,6 @@ Anything anybody can say about America is true. % Anything cut to length will be too short. % -Anything free is worth what you'll pay for it. -% -Anything is good and useful if it's made of chocolate. -% Anything is good if it's made of chocolate. % Anything is possible on paper. @@ -10297,17 +8482,10 @@ Anything is possible on paper. % Anything is possible, unless it's not. % -Anything labeled "NEW" and/or "IMPROVED" isn't. -The label means the price went up. -The label "ALL NEW", "COMPLETELY NEW", or "GREAT NEW" -means the price went way up. -% Anything that is worth doing has been done frequently. Things hitherto undone should be given, I suspect, a wide berth. -- Max Beerbohm, "Mainly on the Air" % -Anything worth doing is worth overdoing. -% Anytime things appear to be going better, you've overlooked something. % Anyway, I keep picturing all these little kids playing some game in this @@ -10318,7 +8496,7 @@ over the cliff -- I mean if they're running and they don't look where they're going I have to come out from somewhere and catch them. That's all I'd do all day. I'd just be the catcher in the rye. I know it; I know it's crazy, but that's the only thing I'd really like to be. I know it's crazy. - -- J.D. Salinger, "Catcher in the Rye" + -- J. D. Salinger, "Catcher in the Rye" % Apathy Club meeting this Friday. If you want to come, you're not invited. @@ -10327,26 +8505,11 @@ APHASIA: Loss of speech in social scientists when asked at parties, "But of what use is your research?" % -aphorism, n.: - A concise, clever statement. -afterism, n.: - A concise, clever statement you don't think of until too late. - -- James Alexander Thom -% APL hackers do it in the quad. % -APL is a mistake, carried through to perfection. It is the language of the -future for the programming techniques of the past: it creates a new generation -of coding bums. - -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5 -% APL is a natural extension of assembler language programming; ...and is best for educational purposes. - -- A. Perlis -% -APL is a write-only language. I can write programs -in APL, but I can't read any of them. - -- Roy Keir + -- A. J. Perlis % Appearances often are deceiving. -- Aesop @@ -10361,22 +8524,6 @@ Applause, n: April is the cruelest month... -- Thomas Stearns Eliot % -AQUADEXTROUS: - Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub - faucet on and off with your toes. - -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends -% -aquadextrous, adj.: - Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off -with your toes. - -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" -% -AQUARIUS (Jan 20 - Feb 18) - You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. - You lie a great deal. On the other hand, you are inclined to be - careless and impractical, causing you to make the same mistakes over - and over again. People think you are stupid. -% AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 to Feb. 18) A friend will step forward and confide in you about your breath. Rely on your outgoing personality and winning smile to get you into a lot @@ -10505,9 +8652,6 @@ Are you making all this up as you go along? Are you sure the back door is locked? % "Are you sure you're not an encyclopedia salesman?" -"No, Ma'am. Just a burglar, come to ransack the flat." -% -"Are you sure you're not an encyclopedia salesman?" No, Ma'am. Just a burglar, come to ransack the flat." -- Monty Python % @@ -10535,14 +8679,7 @@ Argue for your limitations, and sure enough, they're yours. % Arguments are extremely vulgar, for everyone in good society holds exactly the same opinion. - -- O. Wilde -% -Arguments with furniture are rarely productive. -% -ARIES (Mar 21 - Apr 19) - You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt. You are - quick tempered, impatient, and scornful of advice. You are not - very nice. + -- Oscar Wilde % ARIES (Mar.21 - Apr.19) You are a wonderfully interesting, honest, hard-working person @@ -10553,16 +8690,10 @@ ARITHMETIC: An obscure art no longer practiced in the world's developed countries. % -Arithmetic is being able to count up to twenty without taking off your shoes. - -- Mickey Mouse -% -ARMADILLO: - To provide weapons to a Spanish pickle. -% Armenians and Azerbaijanis in Stepanakert, capital of the Nagorno-Karabakh autonomous region, rioted over much needed spelling reform in the Soviet Union. - -- P.J. O'Rourke + -- P. J. O'Rourke % Armor's Axiom: Virtue is the failure to achieve vice. @@ -10574,12 +8705,6 @@ Armstrong's Collection Law: Arnold's Addendum: Anything not fitting into these categories causes cancer in rats. % -Arnold's Laws of Documentation: - 1.) If it should exist, it doesn't. - 2.) If it does exist, it's out of date. - 3.) Only documentation for useless programs transcends the - first two laws. -% Around the turn of this century, a composer named Camille Saint-Saens wrote a satirical zoological-fantasy called "Le Carnaval des Animaux." Aside from one movement of this piece, "The Swan", Saint-Saens didn't allow this work @@ -10604,24 +8729,14 @@ Art is a jealous mistress. Art is a lie which makes us realize the truth. -- Picasso % -Art is anything you can get away with. - -- Marshall McLuhan. -% Art is Nature speeded up and God slowed down. -- Chazal % "Art" is the ability to separate the significant from the insignificant. - -- Poul Henningsen [1894-1967] + -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967) % Art is the tree of life. Science is the tree of death. % -Arthur's Laws of Love: - 1. People to whom you are attracted invariably think you - remind them of someone else. - 2. The love letter you finally got the courage to send will - be delayed in the mail long enough for you to make a fool - of yourself in person. -% Article the Third: Where a crime of the kidneys has been committed, the accused should enjoy the right to a speedy diaper change. Public announcements and @@ -10641,37 +8756,14 @@ Artificial intelligence has the same relation to intelligence as artificial flowers have to flowers. -- David Parnas % -Artistic ventures highlighted. Rob a museum. -% As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing. % -As a professional humorist, I often get letters from readers who are -interested in the basic nature of humor. "What kind of a sick perverted -disgusting person are you," these letters typically ask, "that you make -jokes about setting fire to a goat?" - -- Dave Barry -% -As an adolescent I aspired to lasting fame, I craved factual certainty, and I -thirsted for a meaningful vision of human life -- so I became a scientist. -This is like becoming an archbishop so you can meet girls. - -- M. Cartmill -% -As an adolescent I aspired to lasting fame, I craved factual certainty, and -I thirsted for a meaningful vision of human life -- so I became a scientist. -This is like becoming an archbishop so you can meet girls. - -- Matt Cartmill -% -As an adolescent I aspired to lasting fame, I craved factual certainty, -and I thirsted for a meaningful vision of human life -- so I became a -scientist. This is like becoming an archbishop so you can meet girls. - -- M. Cartmill -% As an Englishman, an Aussie and a Scotsman are sitting in a pub, quaffing a few, three flies buzz down from the ceiling and lazily circle each drinker. Suddenly "buzzzzzzzzplooop", each fly does a kamakazi dive into a different glass. The Englishman take a disgusted look at his pint, dips the fly out -with a spoon, flicks the fly over his shoulder, and drains the glass. +with a spoon, flicks the fly over his shoulder, and drains the glass. The Aussie notices the fly as he puts the glass to his lips. With a quick puff he blows the bug out in a cloud of foam, and tosses the beer down in one gulp. @@ -10688,15 +8780,8 @@ the meaning of existence. Both make one feel like a baby clutching at a basketball: one's palms keep sliding off. -- Joseph Brodsky % -As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not certain; -and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality. - -- Einstein -% -As far as we know, our computer has never had an undetected error. - -- Weisert -% As flies to wanton boys are we to the gods; they kill us for their sport. - -- Shakespeare, "King Lear" + -- William Shakespeare, "King Lear" % As for the women, though we scorn and flout 'em, We may live with, but cannot live without 'em. @@ -10704,7 +8789,7 @@ We may live with, but cannot live without 'em. % As Gen. de Gaulle occasionally acknowledges America to be the daughter of Europe, so I am pleased to come to Yale, the daughter of Harvard. - -- J.F. Kennedy + -- J. F. Kennedy % As goatherd learns his trade by goat, so writer learns his trade by wrote. % @@ -10729,25 +8814,6 @@ pleasurable - until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all, but A HUMAN HEAD!! As I thought, no better from this side. -- Eeyore % -As I was going up Punch Card Hill, - Feeling worse and worser, -There I met a C.R.T. - And it drop't me a cursor. - -C.R.T., C.R.T., - Phosphors light on you! -If I had fifty hours a day - I'd spend them all at you. - -- Uncle Colonel's Cursory Rhymes -% -As I was passing Project MAC, -I met a Quux with seven hacks. -Every hack had seven bugs; -Every bug had seven manifestations; -Every manifestation had seven symptoms. -Symptoms, manifestations, bugs, and hacks, -How many losses at Project MAC? -% As I was walking down the street one dark and dreary day, I came upon a billboard and much to my dismay, The words were torn and tattered, @@ -10783,23 +8849,10 @@ images may be tolerated by the luxurious cults, but the true IBM faith relies on the austerity of the word. -- Edward Mendelson, "The New Republic", February 22, 1988 % -As long as I am mayor of this city [Jersey City, New Jersey] the great -industries are secure. We hear about constitutional rights, free speech -and the free press. Every time I hear these words I say to myself, "That -man is a Red, that man is a Communist". You never hear a real American -talk like that. - -- Frank Hague, 1896-1956 -% -As long as the answer is right, who cares if the question is wrong? -% As long as there are ill-defined goals, bizarre bugs, and unrealistic schedules, there will be Real Programmers willing to jump in and Solve The Problem, saving the documentation for later. % -As long as war is regarded as wicked, it will always have its fascination. -When it is looked upon as vulgar, it will cease to be popular. - -- Oscar Wilde, "Intentions" -% As many of you know, I am taking a class here at UNC on Personality. One of the tests to determine personality in our book was so incredibly useful and interesting, I just had to share it. @@ -10871,8 +8924,6 @@ Please update your programs. As of next Tuesday, C will be flushed in favor of COBOL. Please update your programs. % -As of next week, passwords will be entered in Morse code. -% As part of an ongoing effort to keep you, the Fortune reader, abreast of the valuable information the daily crosses the USENET, Fortune presents: @@ -10893,28 +8944,12 @@ News articles that answer *your* questions, #1: it explicitly with the > character? Is there something else that must be done? % -As part of the conversion, computer specialists rewrote 1,500 programs; -a process that traditionally requires some debugging. - -- USA Today, referring to the Internal Revenue Service - conversion to a new computer system. -% As some day it may happen that a victim must be found I've got a little list -- I've got a little list Of society offenders who might well be underground And who never would be missed -- who never would be missed. -- Koko, "The Mikado" % -As soon as we started programming, we found to our surprise that it wasn't -as easy to get programs right as we had thought. Debugging had to be -discovered. I can remember the exact instant when I realized that a large -part of my life from then on was going to be spent in finding mistakes in -my own programs. - -- Maurice Wilkes, designer of EDSAC, on programming, 1949 -% -As the poet said, "Only God can make a tree" -- probably -because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on. - -- Woody Allen -% As the system comes up, the component builders will from time to time appear, bearing hot new versions of their pieces -- faster, smaller, more complete, or putatively less buggy. The replacement of a working component by a new @@ -10933,15 +8968,6 @@ divinity. As well look for a needle in a bottle of hay. -- Miguel de Cervantes % -As Will Rogers would have said, -"There is no such things as a free variable." -% -As with most fine things, chocolate has its season. There is a simple memory -aid that you can use to determine whether it is the correct time to order -chocolate dishes: Any month whose name contains the letter A, E, or U is the -proper time for chocolate. - -- Sandra Boynton, "Chocolate: The Consuming Passion" -% As you grow older, you will still do foolish things, but you will do them with much more enthusiasm. -- The Cowboy @@ -10949,8 +8975,6 @@ but you will do them with much more enthusiasm. As you will see, I told them, in no uncertain terms, to see Figure one. -- Dave "First Strike" Pare % -As Zeus said to Narcissus, "Watch yourself." -% ASCII: The control code for all beginning programmers and those who would become computer literate. Etymologically, the term has come down as @@ -10960,24 +8984,11 @@ ASCII: % ASCII a stupid question, you get an EBCDIC answer. % -ASHes to ASHes, DOS to DOS. -% Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, If God won't have you, the devil must. % -Ask five economists and you'll get five different explanations (six if -one went to Harvard). - -- Edgar R. Fiedler -% -Ask not for whom the Bell tolls, and you -will pay only the station-to-station rate. - -- Howard Kandel -% -Ask not for whom the telephone bell tolls... -if thou art in the bathtub, it tolls for thee. -% Ask not what's inside your head, but what your head's inside of. - -- J.J. Gibson + -- J. J. Gibson % Ask yourself whether you are happy and you cease to be so. -- John Stuart Mill @@ -11007,12 +9018,6 @@ Assembly language experience is [important] for the maturity and understanding of how computers work that it provides. -- D. Gries % -Associate with well-mannered persons and your manners will improve. Run -with decent folk and your own decent instincts will be strengthened. Keep -the company of bums and you will become a bum. Hang around with rich people -and you will end by picking up the check and dying broke. - -- Stanley Walker -% Astrology... just a bunch of Taurus. % Asynchronous inputs are at the root of our race problems. @@ -11045,23 +9050,12 @@ At first sight, the idea of any rules or principles being superimposed on the creative mind seems more likely to hinder than to help, but this is quite untrue in practice. Disciplined thinking focuses inspiration rather than blinkers it. - -- G.L. Glegg, "The Design of Design" -% -At Group L, Stoffel oversees six first-rate programmers, -a managerial challenge roughly comparable to herding cats. - -- "The Washington Post Magazine", June 9, 1985 + -- G. L. Glegg, "The Design of Design" % At last I've found the girl of my dreams. Last night she said to me, "Once more, Strange, and this time *I'll* be Donnie and *you* be Marie. -- Strange de Jim % -At least I thought I was dancing, 'til somebody stepped on my hand. - -- J.B. White -% -At no time is freedom of speech more precious than when a man hits his -thumb with a hammer. - -- Marshall Lumsden -% At once it struck me what quality went to form a man of achievement, especially in literature, and which Shakespeare possessed so enormously -- I mean negative capability, that is, when a man is capable of being @@ -11071,7 +9065,7 @@ after fact and reason. % At social gatherings, I would amuse everyone by standing uponst the coffee table and striking meself repeatedly upon the head with a brick. - -- H.R. Gumby + -- H. R. Gumby % At the end of your life there'll be a good rest, and no further activities are scheduled. @@ -11094,7 +9088,7 @@ field on track. At the hospital, a doctor is training an intern on how to announce bad news to the patients. The doctor tells the intern "This man in 305 is going to die in six months. Go in and tell him." The intern boldly walks into the -room, over to the man's bedisde and tells him "Seems like you're gonna die!" +room, over to the man's bedside and tells him "Seems like you're gonna die!" The man has a heart attack and is rushed into surgery on the spot. The doctor grabs the intern and screams at him, "What!?!? are you some kind of moron? You've got to take it easy, work your way up to the subject. Now this man in @@ -11105,9 +9099,6 @@ opens the drapes to let the sun in, walks over to the man's bedside, fluffs his pillow and wishes him a "Good morning!" "Wonderful day, no? Say... guess who's going to die soon!" % -At the source of every error which is blamed on the computer you will find -at least two human errors, including the error of blaming it on the computer. -% At these prices, I lose money -- but I make it up in volume. -- Peter G. Alaquon % @@ -11123,9 +9114,6 @@ Atheism is a non-prophet organization. ATLANTA: An entire city surrounded by an airport. % -Atlee is a very modest man. And with reason. - -- Winston Churchill -% Attorney General Edwin Meese III explained why the Supreme Court's Miranda decision (holding that subjects have a right to remain silent and have a lawyer present during questioning) is unnecessary: "You don't have many @@ -11137,7 +9125,7 @@ AUCTION: A gyp off the old block. % Audacity, and again, audacity, and always audacity. - -- G.J. Danton + -- G. J. Danton % audiophile, n: Someone who listens to the equipment instead of the music. @@ -11151,9 +9139,6 @@ AUTHENTIC: Authors are easy to get on with -- if you're fond of children. -- Michael Joseph, "Observer" % -AUTOMOBILE: - A four-wheeled vehicle that runs up hills and down pedestrians. -% Avec! % Avert misunderstanding by calm, poise, and balance. @@ -11163,14 +9148,6 @@ They're a dime a dozen. % Avoid gunfire in the bathroom tonight. % -Avoid Quiet and Placid persons unless you are in Need of Sleep. -% -Avoid reality at all costs. -% -Avoid revolution or expect to get shot. Mother and I will grieve, but -we will gladly buy a dinner for the National Guardsman who shot you. - -- Dr. Paul Williamson, father of a Kent State student -% Avoid strange women and temporary variables. % Awash with unfocused desire, Everett twisted the lobe of his one remaining @@ -11179,7 +9156,7 @@ to push through his nervous system like a flash flood roaring down the mid-fork of the Feather River before the completion of the Oroville Dam in 1959. -- Grand Panjandrum's Special Award, 1984 Bulwer-Lytton - bad fiction contest. + bad fiction contest % [Babe] Ruth made a big mistake when he gave up pitching. -- Tris Speaker, 1921 @@ -11205,7 +9182,7 @@ Business before pleasure." Back in the early 60's, touch tone phones only had 10 buttons. Some military versions had 16, while the 12 button jobs were used only by people who had "diva" (digital inquiry, voice answerback) systems -- mainly banks. -Since in those days, only Western Electric made "data sets" (modems) the +Since in those days, only Western Electric made "data sets" (modems) the problems of terminology were all Bell System. We used to struggle with written descriptions of dial pads that were unfamiliar to most people (most phones were rotary then.) Partly in jest, some AT&T engineering @@ -11228,17 +9205,9 @@ Bad men live that they may eat and drink, whereas good men eat and drink that they may live. -- Socrates % -Bagdikian's Observation: - Trying to be a first-rate reporter on the average American newspaper - is like trying to play Bach's "St. Matthew Passion" on a ukelele. -% Bahdges? We don't need no stinkin' bahdges! -- "The Treasure of Sierra Madre" % -Baker's First Law of Federal Geometry: - A block grant is a solid mass of money - surrounded on all sides by governors. -% BALLISTOPHOBIA: Fear of bullets; OTOPHOBIA: @@ -11257,17 +9226,10 @@ VESTIPHOBIA: BALTIMORE: A wharf-rat stealing Diogenes' lamp. % -Ban the bomb. Save the world for conventional warfare. -% Banacek's Eighteenth Polish Proverb: The hippo has no sting, but the wise man would rather be sat upon by the bee. % -Bank error in your favor. Collect $200. -% -Barach's Rule: - An alcoholic is a person who drinks more than his own physician. -% Barbara's Rules of Bitter Experience: (1) When you empty a drawer for his clothes and a shelf for his toiletries, the relationship ends. @@ -11277,16 +9239,9 @@ Barbara's Rules of Bitter Experience: Barker's Proof: Proofreading is more effective after publication. % -BAROMETER: - An ingenious instrument which indicates - what kind of weather we are having. -% Base 8 is just like base 10, if you are missing two fingers. -- Tom Lehrer % -Baseball is a skilled game. It's America's game -- it, and high taxes. - -- Will Rogers -% Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today? @@ -11295,10 +9250,6 @@ Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today? (3) Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin. -- David Letterman % -BASIC: - A programming language. Related to certain social diseases - in that those who have it will not admit it in polite company. -% Basic Definitions of Science: If it's green or wiggles, it's biology. If it stinks, it's chemistry. @@ -11320,13 +9271,8 @@ Battle, n: will not yield to the tongue. -- Ambrose Bierce % -Be a better psychiatrist and the world -will beat a psychopath to your door. -% BE A LOOF! (There has been a recent population explosion of lerts.) % -BE ALERT!!!! (The world needs more lerts...) -% Be both a speaker of words and a doer of deeds. -- Homer % @@ -11337,9 +9283,6 @@ Be careful! UGLY strikes 9 out of 10! Be careful how you get yourself involved with persons or situations that can't bear inspection. % -Be careful of reading health books, you might die of a misprint. - -- Mark Twain -% Be careful what you set your heart on -- for it will surely be yours. -- James Baldwin, "Nobody Knows My Name" % @@ -11357,14 +9300,9 @@ Be circumspect in your liaisons with women. It is better to be seen at the opera with a man than at mass with a woman. -- De Maintenon % -Be different: conform. -% Be frank and explicit with your lawyer ... it is his business to confuse the issue afterwards. % -Be free and open and breezy! Enjoy! -Things won't get any better so get used to it. -% Be incomprehensible. If they can't understand, they can't disagree. % Be independent. @@ -11388,8 +9326,6 @@ Be regular and orderly in your life, so that you may be violent and original in your work. -- Flaubert % -Be security conscious -- National Defense is at stake. -% Be self-reliant and your success is assured. % Be sociable. @@ -11432,7 +9368,7 @@ Because I do not hope to survive Injustice from the Palace, death from the air, Because I do, only do, I continue... - -- T.S. Pynchon + -- T. S. Pynchon % Because the wine remembers. % @@ -11493,7 +9429,7 @@ Behind every great computer sits a skinny little geek. Behind every successful man you'll find a woman with nothing to wear. % Behold the fool saith, "Put not all thine eggs in the one basket" -- which -is but a manner of saying, "Scatter your money and your attention"; but +is but a manner of saying, "Scatter your money and your attention"; but the wise man saith, "Put all your eggs in the one basket and -- watch that basket!" -- Mark Twain @@ -11503,9 +9439,6 @@ Behold the unborn foetus and All life is sacred (save, of course, An enemy civilian). % -Behold the warranty -- the bold print -giveth and the fine print taketh away. -% Being a mime means never having to say you're sorry. % Being a miner, as soon as you're too old and tired and sick and @@ -11526,7 +9459,7 @@ seven or eight periods now and it's beginning to worry me." Being conservative has never been regarded as old-fashioned. But if you fight for a sensible step in the right direction which others has deserted you will be branded "reactionary". - -- Poul Henningsen [1894-1967] + -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967) % Being frustrated is disagreeable, but the real disasters in life begin when you get what you want. @@ -11544,10 +9477,6 @@ slavery -- now it's called commitment. % Being popular is important. Otherwise people might not like you. % -Being stoned on marijuana isn't very -different from being stoned on gin. - -- Ralph Nader -% Being the #2 man in the Justice Department under Ed Meese is akin to standing next to a lamp post infested with pigeons. -- unnamed Justice Department official @@ -11559,18 +9488,11 @@ belief, n: % Believe everything you hear about the world; nothing is too impossibly bad. - -- Honore DeBalzac -% -Bell Labs Unix - Reach out and grep someone. + -- Honore de Balzac % Ben, why didn't you tell me? -- Luke Skywalker % -Bennett's Laws of Horticulture: - (1) Houses are for people to live in. - (2) Gardens are for plants to live in. - (3) There is no such thing as a houseplant. -% Benson's Dogma: ASCII is our god, and Unix is his profit. % @@ -11580,7 +9502,7 @@ none of his friends like him either. % Bernard was a young eighty-three, not a gomer, and able to talk. He'd been transferred from MBH (Man's Best Hospital), the House's Rival. Founded in -Colonial times by the WASPs, the insemination fo MBH by non-WASPs had taken +Colonial times by the WASPs, the insemination of MBH by non-WASPs had taken place only mid-twentieth century with the token multidextrous Oriental surgeon, and finally, with the token red-hot internal-medicine Jew. Yet, MBH was still Brooks Brothers, while the House was still the Garment District. @@ -11594,7 +9516,7 @@ after they got done, you wanted to be transferred here. Why?" "The test or the room?" "The tests or the room? Vell, nah, about them I can't complain." "The nurses? The food?" asked Fats, but Bernard shook his head no. -Fats laughed and said, "Listen , Bernie, you went to the MBH, they did this +Fats laughed and said, "Listen, Bernie, you went to the MBH, they did this great workup, and when I asked you shy you came to the House of God, all you tell me is, 'Nah, I can't complain.' So why did you come here? Why, Bernie, why?" @@ -11605,21 +9527,6 @@ Bershere's Formula for Failure: There are only two kinds of people who fail: those who listen to nobody... and those who listen to everybody. % -Besides the device, the box should contain: - * Eight little rectangular snippets of paper that say "WARNING" - * A plastic packet containing four 5/17 inch pilfer grommets and two - club-ended 6/93 inch boxcar prawns. - -YOU WILL NEED TO SUPPLY: a matrix wrench and 60,000 feet of tram cable. - -IF ANYTHING IS DAMAGED OR MISSING: You IMMEDIATELY should turn to your spouse -and say: "Margaret, you know why this country can't make a car that can get -all the way through the drive-through at Burger King without a major -transmission overhaul? Because nobody cares, that's why." - -WARNING: This is assuming your spouse's name is Margaret. - -- Dave Barry -% Best Beer: A panel of tasters assembled by the Consumer's Union in 1969 judged Coors and Miller's High Life to be among the very best. Those who doubt that beer is a serious subject might ponder its effect on American @@ -11644,9 +9551,6 @@ in the background. clearly visible on one of the leading characters. -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" % -Best of all is never to have been born. -Second best is to die soon. -% beta test, v: To voluntarily entrust one's data, one's livelihood and one's sanity to hardware or software intended to destroy all three. @@ -11680,30 +9584,17 @@ Better to use medicines at the outset than at the last moment. Better tried by twelve than carried by six. -- Jeff Cooper % -Between 1950 and 1952, a bored weatherman, stationed north of Hudson Bay, -left a monument that neither government nor time can eradicate. Using a -bulldozer abandoned by the Air Force, he spent two years and great effort -pushing boulders into a single word. - It can be seen from 10,000 feet, silhouetted against the snow. -Government officials exchanged memos full of circumlocutions (no Latin -equivalent exists) but failed to word an appropriation bill for the -destruction of this cairn, that wouldn't alert the press and embarrass both -Parliament and Party. - It stands today, a monument to human spirit. If life exists on other -planets, this may be the first message received from us. - -- The Realist, November, 1964. -% Between grand theft and a legal fee, there only stands a law degree. % Between infinite and short there is a big difference. - -- G.H. Gonnet + -- G. H. Gonnet % Between the idea And the reality Between the motion And the act Falls the Shadow - -- T.S. Eliot, "The Hollow Man" + -- T. S. Eliot, "The Hollow Man" [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when referring to system service dispatching.] @@ -11722,39 +9613,19 @@ a new wearer of clothes. % Beware of Bigfoot! % -Beware of bugs in the above code; -I have only proved it correct, not tried it. - -- D. Knuth -% -Beware of friends who are false and deceitful. -% Beware of geeks bearing graft. % -Beware of low-flying butterflies. -% Beware of mathematicians and all those who make empty prophecies. The danger already exists that the mathematicians have made covenant with the devil to darken the spirit and to confine man in the bonds of hell. -- St. Augustine % -Beware of Programmers who carry screwdrivers. - -- Leonard Brandwein -% Beware of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors -- and miss. -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough For Love" % Beware of the man who knows the answer before he understands the question. % -"Beware of the man who works hard to learn something, learns it, and finds -himself no wiser than before," Bokonon tells us. "He is full of murderous -resentment of people who are ignorant without having come by their -ignorance the hard way." - -- Vonnegut -% -Beware of the Turing Tar-pit in which everything -is possible but nothing of interest is easy. -% Beware the new TTY code! % Beware the one behind you. @@ -11782,7 +9653,7 @@ Bilbo's First Law: You cannot count friends that are all packed up in barrels. % Bill Dickey is learning me his experience. - -- Yogi Berra in his rookie season. + -- Yogi Berra in his rookie season % Billy: Mom, you know that vase you said was handed down from generation to generation? @@ -11798,19 +9669,12 @@ Bing's Rule: % Biology grows on you. % -Biology is the only science in which -multiplication means the same thing as division. -% Birds and bees have as much to do with the facts of life as black nightgowns do with keeping warm. -- Hester Mundis, "Powermom" % Birds are entangled by their feet and men by their tongues. % -birth, n: - The first and direst of all disasters. - -- Ambrose Bierce -% Birthdays are like busses, never the number you want. % Bistromathics is simply a revolutionary new way of understanding the @@ -11833,8 +9697,6 @@ Shower or suicide, what do I do? % Biz is better. % -Bizarreness is the essence of the exotic. -% Black people have never rioted. A riot is what white people think blacks are involved in when they burn stores. -- Julius Lester @@ -11872,29 +9734,21 @@ Blame Saint Andreas -- it's all his fault. % Blessed are the forgetful: for they get the better even of their blunders. - -- Nietzsche -% -Blessed are the meek for they shall inhibit the earth. -% -Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt. - -- Herbert Hoover + -- Friedrich Nietzsche % Blessed are they that have nothing to say, and who cannot be persuaded to say it. -- James Russell Lowell % -Blessed are they who Go Around in Circles, -for they Shall be Known as Wheels. -% Blessed is he who expects no gratitude, for he shall not be disappointed. - -- W.C. Bennett + -- W. C. Bennett % Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed. -- Alexander Pope % Blessed is he who has reached the point of no return and knows it, for he shall enjoy living. - -- W.C. Bennett + -- W. C. Bennett % Blessed is the man who, having nothing to say, abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact. @@ -11906,9 +9760,7 @@ Blinding speed can compensate for a lot of deficiencies. blithwapping: Using anything BUT a hammer to hammer a nail into the wall, such as shoes, lamp bases, doorstops, etc. - -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends -% -Blood is thicker than water, and much tastier. + -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets" % Bloom's Seventh Law of Litigation: The judge's jokes are always funny. @@ -11923,45 +9775,21 @@ Blutarsky's Axiom: % Body by Nautilus, Brain by Mattel. % -Boling's postulate: - If you're feeling good, don't worry. You'll get over it. -% -Bolub's Fourth Law of Computerdom: - Project teams detest weekly progress reporting because it so - vividly manifests their lack of progress. -% Bond reflected that good Americans were fine people and that most of them seemed to come from Texas. -- Ian Fleming, "Casino Royale" % Bondage maybe, discipline never! - -- T.K. + -- T. K. % Bones: "The man's DEAD, Jim!" % -Boob's Law: - You always find something in the last place you look. -% Booker's Law: An ounce of application is worth a ton of abstraction. % -Bore, n: - A person who talks when you wish him to listen. - -- Ambrose Bierce -% -boss, n: - According to the Oxford English Dictionary, in the Middle Ages the - words "boss" and "botch" were largely synonymous, except that boss, - in addition to meaning "a supervisor of workers" also meant "an - ornamental stud." -% -Boston: +Boston, n.: An outdoor Betty Ford Clinic. % -Boston: - Ludwig van Beethoven being jeered by 50,000 sports - fans for finishing second in the Irish jig competition. -% Both models are identical in performance, functional operation, and interface circuit details. The two models, however, are not compatible on the same communications line connection. @@ -11993,16 +9821,10 @@ And get the maximum pleasure from a minimum of love. Boy, I sure wish that I could be in the 'Advanced Systems Development' group! % -boy, n: - A noise with dirt on it. -% Boy, that crayon sure did hurt! % Boycott meat - suck your thumb. % -Boys will be boys, and so will a lot of middle-aged men. - -- Kin Hubbard -% Bozo is the Brotherhood of Zips and Others. Bozos are people who band together for fun and profit. They have no jobs. Anybody who goes on a tour is a Bozo. Why does a Bozo cross the street? Because there's a Bozo @@ -12021,30 +9843,10 @@ anti-Solemn, but also (shudder) takes sides. I tend to think of it as `Constructive Snottiness.' -- Mike Padlipsky, "Elements of Networking Style" % -Bradley's Bromide: - If computers get too powerful, we can organize - them into a committee -- that will do them in. -% -Brady's First Law of Problem Solving: - When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more - easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger - have handled this?" -% Brahma said: Well, after hearing ten thousand explanations, a fool is no wiser. But an intelligent man needs only two thousand five hundred. -- The Mahabharata % -Brain fried -- core dumped -% -brain, n: - The apparatus with which we think that we think. - -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" -% -brain, v: [as in "to brain"] - To rebuke bluntly, but not pointedly; to dispel a source - of error in an opponent. - -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" -% brain-damaged, generalization of "Honeywell Brain Damage" (HBD), a theoretical disease invented to explain certain utter cretinisms in Multics, adj: @@ -12094,9 +9896,6 @@ But we decide which is real, and which is an illusion." % Breeding rabbits is a hare raising experience. % -bride, n: - A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her. -% Bridge ahead. Pay troll. % briefcase, n: @@ -12115,7 +9914,6 @@ only to confirmatory instances, to be fallaciously confident of the validity of their judgments (Jahoda, 1969; Einhorn and Hogarth, 1978). In the analyzing of past events, these tendencies are exacerbated by failure to appreciate the pitfalls of post hoc analyses. - -- A. Benjamin % Brillineggiava, ed i tovoli slati girlavano ghimbanti nella vaba; @@ -12128,9 +9926,6 @@ fuggi l'uccello Giuggiolo, e nel sacco metti infine il frumioso Bandifante". -- "The Jabberwock" % -Bringing computers into the home won't change -either one, but may revitalize the corner saloon. -% Brisk talkers are usually slow thinkers. There is, indeed, no wild beast more to be dreaded than a communicative man having nothing to communicate. If you are civil to the voluble, they will abuse your patience; if @@ -12141,31 +9936,13 @@ British education is probably the best in the world, if you can survive it. If you can't there is nothing left for you but the diplomatic corps. -- Peter Ustinov % -British Israelites: - The British Israelites believe the white Anglo-Saxons of Britain to -be descended from the ten lost tribes of Israel deported by Sargon of Assyria -on the fall of Sumeria in 721 B.C. ... They further believe that the future -can be foretold by the measurements of the Great Pyramid, which probably -means it will be big and yellow and in the hand of the Arabs. They also -believe that if you sleep with your head under the pillow a fairy will come -and take all your teeth. - -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" -% -broad-mindedness, n: - The result of flattening high-mindedness out. -% Brogan's Constant: People tend to congregate in the back of the church and the front of the bus. % -brokee, n: +Brokee, n.: Someone who buys stocks on the advice of a broker. % -Brooke's Law: - Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool - discovers something which either abolishes the system or - expands it beyond recognition. -% BS: You remind me of a man. B: What man? BS: The man with the power. @@ -12181,18 +9958,10 @@ BS: The man with the power... % Buck-passing usually turns out to be a boomerang. % -Bucy's Law: - Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man. -% -Bug: - An elusive creature living in a program that makes it incorrect. - The activity of "debugging," or removing bugs from a program, ends - when people get tired of doing it, not when the bugs are removed. -% -bug, n: +Bug, n.: An elusive creature living in a program that makes it incorrect. - The activity of "debugging", or removing bugs from a program, ends - when people get tired of doing it, not when the bugs are removed. +The activity of "debugging," or removing bugs from a program, ends when +people get tired of doing it, not when the bugs are removed. -- "Datamation", January 15, 1984 % Build a system that even a fool can use @@ -12201,33 +9970,22 @@ and only a fool will want to use it. Building translators is good clean fun. -- T. Cheatham % -Bullwinkle: You just leave that to my pal. He's the brains of the outfit. -General: What does that make YOU? -Bullwinkle: What else? An executive. -% -Bumper sticker: - All the parts falling off this car are - of the very finest British manufacture. -% Bunker's Admonition: You cannot buy beer; you can only rent it. % BURBULATION: The obsessive act of opening and closing a refrigerator door in an attempt to catch it before the automatic light comes on. - -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends + -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets" % Bureau Termination, Law of: When a government bureau is scheduled to be phased out, the number of employees in that bureau will double within 12 months after the decision is made. % -bureaucracy, n: +Bureaucracy, n.: A method for transforming energy into solid waste. % -bureaucrat, n: - A politician who has tenure. -% Burke's Postulates: Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about. Don't create a problem for which you do not have the answer. @@ -12277,8 +10035,6 @@ I meant no harm; I just liked the explosions. And I was careful never to kill more than I could eat. -- Raoul Duke % -But I don't like Spam!!!! -% "But I don't want to go on the cart..." "Oh, don't be such a baby!" "But I'm feeling much better..." @@ -12300,27 +10056,10 @@ therefore becomes very important for the rule upholders to bring such arrogance down. -- Marilyn French, "The Woman's Room" % -But if we laugh with derision, we will never understand. Human -intellectual capacity has not altered for thousands of years so far as -we can tell. If intelligent people invested intense energy in issues -that now seem foolish to us, then the failure lies in our understanding -of their world, not in their distorted perceptions. Even the standard -example of ancient nonsense -- the debate about angels on pinheads -- -makes sense once you realize that theologians were not discussing -whether five or eighteen would fit, but whether a pin could house a -finite or an infinite number. - -- S.J. Gould, "Wide Hats and Narrow Minds" -% But if you wish at once to do nothing and to be respectable -nowdays, the best pretext is to be at work on some profound study. +nowadays, the best pretext is to be at work on some profound study. -- Leslie Stephen, "Sketches from Cambridge" % -But in our enthusiasm, we could not resist a radical overhaul of the -system, in which all of its major weaknesses have been exposed, -analyzed, and replaced with new weaknesses. - -- Bruce Leverett, - "Register Allocation in Optimizing Compilers" -% But it does move! -- Galileo Galilei % @@ -12338,82 +10077,37 @@ But, officer, he's not drunk, I just saw his fingers twitch! % But Officer, I stopped for the last one, and it was green! % -But scientists, who ought to know -Assure us that it must be so. -Oh, let us never, never doubt -What nobody is sure about. - -- Hilaire Belloc -% But sex and drugs and rock & roll, why, they'd bring our blackest day. % But since I knew now that I could hope for nothing of greater value than frivolous pleasures, what point was there in denying myself of them? -- M. Proust % -But soft you, the fair Ophelia: -Ope not thy ponderous and marble jaws, -But get thee to a nunnery -- go! - -- Mark "The Bard" Twain -% But these pills can't be habit forming; I've been taking them for years. % -But this has taken us far afield from interface, which is not a bad -place to be, since I particularly want to move ahead to the kludge. -Why do people have so much trouble understanding the kludge? What -is a kludge, after all, but not enough K's, not enough ROM's, not -enough RAM's, poor quality interface and too few bytes to go around? -Have I explained yet about the bytes? -% But you shall not escape my iambics. -- Gaius Valerius Catullus % But you who live on dreams, you are better pleased with the sophistical reasoning and frauds of talkers about great and uncertain matters than those who speak of certain and natural matters, not of such lofty nature. - -- Leonardo Da Vinci, "The Codex on the Flight of Birds" -% -Buzz off, Banana Nose; Relieve mine eyes -Of hateful soreness, purge mine ears of corn; -Less dear than army ants in apple pies -Art thou, old prune-face, with thy chestnuts worn, -Dropt from thy peeling lips like lousy fruit; -Like honeybees upon the perfum'd rose -They suck, and like the double-breasted suit -Are out of date; therefore, Banana Nose, -Go fly a kite, thy welcome's overstayed; -And stem the produce of thy waspish wits: -Thy logick, like thy locks, is disarrayed; -Thy cheer, like thy complexion, is the pits. -Be off, I say; go bug somebody new, -Scram, beat it, get thee hence, and nuts to you. + -- Leonardo da Vinci, "The Codex on the Flight of Birds" % buzzword, n: The fly in the ointment of computer literacy. % -By doing just a little every day, you can -gradually let the task completely overwhelm you. -% By failing to prepare, you are preparing to fail. % By long-standing tradition, I take this opportunity to savage other designers in the thin disguise of good, clean fun. - -- P.J. Plauger, "Computer Language", 1988, April + -- P. J. Plauger, "Computer Language", 1988, April Fool's column. % By nature, men are nearly alike; by practice, they get to be wide apart. -- Confucius % -By necessity, by proclivity, and by delight, we all quote. -In fact, it is as difficult to appropriate the thoughts of others -as it is to invent. - -- R. Emerson - -- Quoted from a fortune cookie program - (whose author claims, "Actually, stealing IS easier.") - [to which I reply, "You think it's easy for me to - misconstrue all these misquotations?!?" Ed.] -% By perseverance the snail reached the Ark. -- Charles Spurgeon % @@ -12431,10 +10125,6 @@ One of you is lying. By the yard, life is hard. By the inch, it's a cinch. % -By trying we can easily learn to endure adversity. -Another man's, I mean. - -- Mark Twain -% By working faithfully eight hours a day, you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve. -- Robert Frost @@ -12442,16 +10132,6 @@ you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve. byob, v: Believing Your Own Bull % -Bypasses are devices that allow some people to dash from point A to -point B very fast while other people dash from point B to point A very -fast. People living at point C, being a point directly in between, are -often given to wonder what's so great about point A that so many people -from point B are so keen to get there and what's so great about point B -that so many people from point B are so keen to get there. They often -wish that people would just once and for all work out where the hell -they wanted to be. - -- The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy -% BYTE editors are people who separate the wheat from the chaff, and then carefully print the chaff. % @@ -12470,35 +10150,14 @@ C makes it easy for you to shoot yourself in the foot. C++ makes that harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg. -- Bjarne Stroustrup % -C, n: - A programming language that is sort of like Pascal except more like - assembly except that it isn't very much like either one, or anything - else. It is either the best language available to the art today, or - it isn't. - -- Ray Simard -% -cabbage, n: - A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as - a man's head. - -- Ambrose Bierce -% Cache: A very expensive part of the memory system of a computer that no one is supposed to know is there. % -Cahn's Axiom: - When all else fails, read the instructions. -% -California is a fine place to live -- if you happen to be an orange. - -- Fred Allen -% Californians are a strange people. They'll put every chemical known to God and man up their nostrils and then laugh at you for putting sugar in your coffee. % -Call on God, but row away from the rocks. - -- Indian proverb -% Call things by their right names... Glass of brandy and water! That is the current but not the appropriate name: ask for a glass of fire and distilled damnation. @@ -12525,13 +10184,6 @@ Calvin: "I wonder where we go when we die." Hobbes: "Pittsburgh?" Calvin: "You mean if we're good or if we're bad?" % -Calvin Coolidge looks as if he had been weaned on a pickle. - -- Alice Roosevelt Longworth -% -Calvin Coolidge was the greatest man -who ever came out of Plymouth Corner, Vermont. - -- Clarence Darrow -% Campbell's Law: Nature abhors a vacuous experimenter. % @@ -12547,32 +10199,11 @@ Can you buy friendship? You not only can, you must. It's the only way to obtain friends. Everything worthwhile has a price. -- Robert J. Ringer % -Canada Bill Jones's Motto: - It's morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money. - -Canada Bill Jones's Supplement: - A Smith and Wesson beats four aces. -% -Canada Post doesn't really charge 32 cents for a stamp. -It's 2 cents for postage and 30 cents for storage. - -- Gerald Regan, Cabinet Minister, 12/31/83 Financial Post -% CANCER (June 21 - July 22) This is a good time for those of you who are rich and happy, - but a poor time for those of you born under this sign who are - poor and unhappy. To tell you the truth, any day is tough - when you're poor and unhappy. -% -Canonical, adj.: - The usual or standard state or manner of something. A true story: -One Bob Sjoberg, new at the MIT AI Lab, expressed some annoyance at the use -of jargon. Over his loud objections, we made a point of using jargon as -much as possible in his presence, and eventually it began to sink in. -Finally, in one conversation, he used the word "canonical" in jargon-like -fashion without thinking. - Steele: "Aha! We've finally got you talking jargon too!" - Stallman: "What did he say?" - Steele: "He just used `canonical' in the canonical way." +but a poor time for those of you born under this sign who are +poor and unhappy. To tell you the truth, any day is tough +when you're poor and unhappy. % Can't act. Slightly bald. Also dances. -- RKO executive, reacting to Fred Astaire's screen test. @@ -12598,23 +10229,8 @@ CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 to Jan. 19) else, such as think. Romance is in the air, but not for you, so forget it. That pimple on the end of your nose will get worse. % -CAPRICORN (Dec 23 - Jan 19) - You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You don't do - much of anything and are lazy. There has never been a Capricorn - of any importance. Capricorns should avoid standing still for - too long as they tend to take root and become trees. -% -Captain Penny's Law: - You can fool all of the people some of the time, and - some of the people all of the time, but you Can't Fool Mom. -% Captain's Log, star date 21:34.5... % -Carelessly planned projects take three times longer to complete than expected. -Carefully planned projects take four times longer to complete than expected, -mostly because the planners expect their planning to reduce the time it -takes. -% Carney's Law: There's at least a 50-50 chance that someone will print the name Craney incorrectly. -- Jim Canrey @@ -12623,12 +10239,6 @@ Carob works on the principle that, when mixed with the right combination of fats and sugar, it can duplicate chocolate in color and texture. Of course, the same can be said of dirt. % -carperpetuation, n: - The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string at least a dozen - times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting - it back down to give the vacuum one more chance. - -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" -% Carson's Consolation: Nothing is ever a complete failure. It can always be used as a bad example. @@ -12656,25 +10266,10 @@ a sled through the snow. % Cats, no less liquid than their shadows, offer no angles to the wind. % -Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education. - -- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson" -% -Caution: Breathing may be hazardous to your health. -% Caution: Keep out of reach of children. % CCI Power 6/40: one board, a megabyte of cache, and an attitude... % -Celebrate Hannibal Day this year. Take an elephant to lunch. -% -Celestial navigation is based on the premise that the Earth is the center -of the universe. The premise is wrong, but the navigation works. An -incorrect model can be a useful tool. - -- Kelvin Throop III -% -Census Taker to Housewife: -Did you ever have the measles, and, if so, how many? -% Center meeting at 4pm in 2C-543. % cerebral atrophy, n: @@ -12682,7 +10277,7 @@ cerebral atrophy, n: impair the brain's performance. An abundance of these "bad" cells can cause symptoms related to senility, apathy, depression, and overall poor academic performance. A certain small number of brain cells will deteriorate due to -everday activity, but large amounts are weakened by intense mental effort +everyday activity, but large amounts are weakened by intense mental effort and the assimilation of difficult concepts. Many college students become victims of this dread disorder due to poor habits such as overstudying. @@ -12696,24 +10291,6 @@ imbiber with a healthier, more vibrant brain, and increases mental capacity. Thus, the devastating effects of cerebral atrophy are reversed, and academic performance actually increases beyond previous levels. % -Cerebus: I'd love to lick apricot brandy out of your navel. -Jaka: Look, Cerebus -- Jaka has to tell you... something -Cerebus: If Cerebus had a navel, would you lick apricot brandy out - of it? -Jaka: Oooh. -Cerebus: You don't like apricot brandy? - -- Cerebus, #6, "The Secret" -% -Certain old men prefer to rise at dawn, taking a cold bath and a long -walk with an empty stomach and otherwise mortifying the flesh. They -then point with pride to these practices as the cause of their sturdy -health and ripe years; the truth being that they are hearty and old, -not because of their habits, but in spite of them. The reason we find -only robust persons doing this thing is that it has killed all the -others who have tried it. - -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" -% - Certain passages in several laws have always defied interpretation and the most inexplicable must be a matter of opinion. A judge of the Court of Session of Scotland has sent the editors of this book his candidate which @@ -12725,12 +10302,7 @@ nuts) by reason of their being nuts (unground)." % Certainly the game is rigged. Don't let that stop you; if you don't bet, you can't win. - -- Robert Heinlein, "Time Enough For Love" -% -Certainly there are things in life that money can't buy, -But it's very funny -- -did you ever try buying them without money? - -- Ogden Nash + -- Robert A. Heinlein, "Time Enough For Love" % C'est magnifique, mais ce n'est pas la guerre! % @@ -12746,10 +10318,6 @@ Chamberlain's Laws: 1: The big guys always win. 2: Everything tastes more or less like chicken. % -Champagne don't make me lazy. Cocaine don't drive me crazy. -Ain't nobody's business but my own. - -- Taj Mahal -% Chance is perhaps the work of God when He did not want to sign. -- Anatole France % @@ -12771,9 +10339,6 @@ a function that would continue to grow, but never reach unity. This equation can be applied to charging capacitors, over-damped springs, and the human race in general. % -character density, n.: - The number of very weird people in the office. -% Character is what you are in the dark! -- Lord John Whorfin % @@ -12799,25 +10364,15 @@ Cheap things are of no value, valuable things are not cheap. Check me if I'm wrong, Sandy, but if I kill all the golfers... they're gonna lock me up and throw away the key! % -checkuary, n: - The thirteenth month of the year. Begins New Year's Day and ends - when a person stops absentmindedly writing the old year on his checks. -% Cheer Up! Things are getting worse at a slower rate. % Cheese -- milk's leap toward immortality. -- Clifton Fadiman, "Any Number Can Play" % -Chef, n: - Any cook who swears in French. -% Cheit's Lament: If you help a friend in need, he is sure to remember you-- the next time he's in need. % -CHEMICALS: - Noxious substances from which modern foods are made. -% Chemist who falls in acid is absorbed in work. % Chemist who falls in acid will be tripping for weeks. @@ -12835,67 +10390,24 @@ Cheops' Law: % Chess tonight. % -CHICAGO: - Where the dead still vote... early and often! -% -Chicago Transit Authority Rider's Rule #36: - Never ever ask the tough looking gentleman wearing El Rukn -headgear where he got his "pyramid powered pizza warmer". - -- Chicago Reader 3/27/81 -% -Chicago Transit Authority Rider's Rule #84: - The CTA has complimentary pop-up timers available on request -for overheated passengers. When your timer pops up, the driver will -cheerfully baste you. - -- Chicago Reader 5/28/82 -% Chicagoan: "So, where're you from?" Hoosier: "What's wrong with Indiana?" % -Chicken Little was right. -% -Chicken Soup: - An ancient miracle drug containing equal parts of aureomycin, - cocaine, interferon, and TLC. The only ailment chicken soup - can't cure is neurotic dependence on one's mother. - -- Arthur Naiman -% Chihuahuas drive me crazy. I can't stand anything that shivers when it's warm. % Children are like cats, they can tell when you don't like them. That's when they come over and violate your body space. % -Children are natural mimics who act like their parents -despite every effort to teach them good manners. -% -Children are unpredictable. You never know what inconsistency they're -going to catch you in next. - -- Franklin P. Jones -% -Children aren't happy without something to ignore, -And that's what parents were created for. - -- Ogden Nash -% Children begin by loving their parents. After a time they judge them. Rarely, if ever, do they forgive them. -- Oscar Wilde % -Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually -repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said. -% Children's talent to endure stems from their ignorance of alternatives. -- Maya Angelou, "I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings" % Chinese saying: "He who speak with forked tongue, not need chopsticks." % -Chism's Law of Completion: - The amount of time required to complete a government project is - precisely equal to the length of time already spent on it. -% -Chisolm's First Corollary to Murphy's Second Law: - When things just can't possibly get any worse, they will. -% Chocolate Chip. % Choose in marriage only a woman whom you would choose as @@ -12925,10 +10437,6 @@ Drinking beer and playing cards neighbors, % Christ died for our sins, so let's not disappoint Him. % -Christianity has not been tried and found wanting; it has been found -difficult and not tried. - -- G.K. Chesterton -% Christianity might be a good thing if anyone ever tried it. -- George Bernard Shaw % @@ -12953,19 +10461,6 @@ Driving his reindeer across the sky, Don't stand underneath when they fly by! -- Tom Lehrer % -Churchill's Commentary on Man: - Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, - but most of the time he will pick himself up and continue on. -% -CIGARETTE: - A fire at one end, a fool at the other, - and a bit of tobacco in between. -% -CINEMUCK: - The combination of popcorn, soda, and melted chocolate - which covers the floors of movie theaters. - -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends -% Circumstances rule men; men do not rule circumstances. -- Herodotus % @@ -12978,11 +10473,6 @@ See SYSNOTE tomorrow for more information. Civilization is the limitless multiplication of unnecessary necessities. -- Mark Twain % -clairvoyant, n.: - A person, commonly a woman, who has the power of seeing that -which is invisible to her patron -- namely, that he is a blockhead. - -- Ambrose Bierce -% Claret is the liquor for boys; port for men; but he who aspires to be a hero... must drink brandy. -- Samuel Johnson @@ -13004,26 +10494,13 @@ Classical music is the kind we keep thinking will turn into a tune. Clay's Conclusion: Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster. % -Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling -the walk before it stops snowing. - -- Phyllis Diller - -There is no need to do any housework at all. After the first four years -the dirt doesn't get any worse. - -- Quentin Crisp -% Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely. - -- P.J. O'Rourke -% -Cleanliness is next to impossible. + -- P. J. O'Rourke % CLEVELAND: Where their last tornado did six million dollars worth of improvements. % -Cleveland? -Yes, I spent a week there one day. -% Climate and Surgery R C Gilchrist, who was shot by J Sharp twelve days ago, and who received a derringer ball in the right breast, and who it was supposed at @@ -13052,12 +10529,6 @@ clone, n: % Clones are people two. % -Cloning is the sincerest form of flattery. -% -Clothes make the man. -Naked people have little or no influence on society. - -- Mark Twain -% Clovis' Consideration of an Atmospheric Anomaly: The perversity of nature is nowhere better demonstrated than by the fact that, when exposed to the same atmosphere, @@ -13124,17 +10595,11 @@ COBOL: COBOL is for morons. -- Edsger W. Dijkstra % -Cobol programmers are down in the dumps. -% -COBOL programs are an exercise in Artificial Inelegance. +COBOL programmers are down in the dumps. % Coding is easy; All you do is sit staring at a terminal until the drops of blood form on your forehead. % -Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum -- -I think that I think, therefore I think that I am. - -- Ambrose Bierce -% Cohen's Law: There is no bottom to worse. % @@ -13143,32 +10608,14 @@ Cohn's Law: time you have to do anything. Stability is achieved when you spend all your time reporting on the nothing you are doing. % -Coincidences are spiritual puns. - -- G.K. Chesterton -% -COLD: - When the politicians walk around - with their hands in their own pockets. -% Cold hands, no gloves. % Cole's Law: Thinly sliced cabbage. % -COLLABORATION: - A literary partnership based on the false - assumption that the other fellow can spell. -% COLLEGE: The fountains of knowledge, where everyone goes to drink. % -College football is a game which would be much more interesting if the -faculty played instead of the students, and even more interesting if -the trustees played. There would be a great increase in broken arms, -legs, and necks, and simultaneously an appreciable diminution in the -loss to humanity. - -- H.L. Mencken -% COLORADO: Where they don't buy M & M's, 'cause they're so hard to peel. % @@ -13195,23 +10642,6 @@ one will have the remotest idea of what you're talking about," says Broughton, "but the important thing is that they're not about to admit it." -- Philip Broughton, "How to Win at Wordsmanship" % -Colvard's Logical Premises: - All probabilities are 50%. -Either a thing will happen or it won't. - -Colvard's Unconscionable Commentary: - This is especially true when - dealing with someone you're attracted to. - -Grelb's Commentary: - Likelihoods, however, are 90% against you. -% -Come, every frustum longs to be a cone, -And every vector dreams of matrices. -Hark to the gentle gradient of the breeze: -It whispers of a more ergodic zone. - -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" -% Come fill the cup and in the fire of spring Your winter garment of repentance fling. The bird of time has but a little way @@ -13228,12 +10658,6 @@ Tonight we will all merry be -- tomorrow we'll get sober. Come, let us hasten to a higher plane, Where dyads tread the fairy fields of Venn, Their indices bedecked from one to n, -Commingled in an endless Markov chain! - -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" -% -Come, let us hasten to a higher plane, -Where dyads tread the fairy fields of Venn, -Their indices bedecked from one to n, Commingled in an endless Markov chain! Come, every frustum longs to be a cone, @@ -13245,7 +10669,7 @@ In Riemann, Hilbert or in Banach space Let superscripts and subscripts go their ways. Our asymptotes no longer out of phase, We shall encounter, counting, face to face. - -- The Cyberiad + -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" % Come live with me, and be my love, And we will some new pleasures prove @@ -13278,7 +10702,7 @@ Come, muse, let us sing of rats! -- From a poem by James Grainger, 1721-1767 % Come quickly, I am tasting stars! - -- Dom Perignon, upon discovering champagne. + -- Dom Perignon, upon discovering champagne % Come, you spirits That tend on mortal thoughts, unsex me here, @@ -13295,7 +10719,7 @@ And pall the in the dunnest smoke of hell, That my keen knife see not the wound it makes, Nor heaven peep through the blanket of the dark, To cry `Hold, hold!' - -- Lady MacBeth + -- Lady Macbeth % Comedy, like Medicine, was never meant to be practiced by the general public. % @@ -13316,22 +10740,9 @@ Coming together is a beginning; Commit the oldest sins the newest kind of ways. -- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV" % -COMMITTMENT: - Committment can be illustrated by a breakfast of ham and eggs. - The chicken was involved, the pig was committed. -% -Common sense is instinct, and enough of it is genius. - -- Josh Billings - -Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen. - -- Albert Einstein -% -Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen. - -- Albert Einstein -% Common sense is the most evenly distributed quantity in the world. Everyone thinks he has enough. - -- Descartes, 1637 + -- Rene Descartes, 1637 % Commoner's three laws of ecology: 1) No action is without side-effects. @@ -13351,7 +10762,7 @@ characteristics of *software*, and not with hardware or management. % COMPASS [for the CDC-6000 series] is the sort of assembler one expects from a corporation whose president codes in octal. - -- J.N. Gray + -- J. N. Gray % Competence, like truth, beauty, and contact lenses, is in the eye of the beholder. @@ -13378,8 +10789,6 @@ COMPUTER: totally understandable, rigorously logical manner. If you believe this, see me about a bridge I have for sale in Manhattan. % -Computer programmers do it byte by byte. -% Computer programmers never die, they just get lost in the processing. % Computer programs expand so as to fill the core available. @@ -13401,32 +10810,18 @@ Computer Science is the only discipline in which we view adding a new wing to a building as being maintenance -- Jim Horning % -Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are. -% Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable. Any system which depends on human reliability is unreliable. -- Gilb % -Computers are useless. They can only give you answers. - -- Pablo Picasso -% Computers don't actually think. You just think they think. (We think.) % -Conceit causes more conversation than wit. - -- LaRouchefoucauld -% -CONCEPT: - Any "idea" for which an outside - consultant billed you more than $25,000. -% Conceptual integrity in turn dictates that the design must proceed from one mind, or from a very small number of agreeing resonant minds. -- Frederick Brooks Jr., "The Mythical Man Month" % -Condense soup, not books! -% CONFERENCE: A special meeting in which the boss gathers subordinates to hear what they have to say, so long as it doesn't conflict with what @@ -13438,10 +10833,6 @@ confess them to man and you will be laughed at. % Confession is good for the soul, but bad for the career. % -Confession is good for the soul only in the sense -that a tweed coat is good for dandruff. - -- Peter de Vries -% Confessions may be good for the soul, but they are bad for the reputation. -- Lord Thomas Dewar @@ -13454,8 +10845,6 @@ Confidence is simply that quiet, assured feeling you have before you fall flag on your face. -- Dr. L. Binder % -Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation. -% CONFIRMED BACHELOR: A man who goes through life without a hitch. % @@ -13470,7 +10859,7 @@ Conformity is the refuge of the unimaginative. Confucius say too damn much! % Confucius say too much. - -- Recent Chinese Proverb + -- Recent Chinese proverb % Confusion will be my epitaph as I walk a cracked and broken path @@ -13482,19 +10871,6 @@ Congratulations! You are the one-millionth user to log into our system. If there's anything special we can do for you, anything at all, don't hesitate to ask! % -Congratulations! You have purchased an extremely fine device that would -give you thousands of years of trouble-free service, except that you -undoubtably will destroy it via some typical bonehead consumer maneuver. -Which is why we ask you to PLEASE FOR GOD'S SAKE READ THIS OWNER'S MANUAL -CAREFULLY BEFORE YOU UNPACK THE DEVICE. YOU ALREADY UNPACKED IT, DIDN'T -YOU? YOU UNPACKED IT AND PLUGGED IT IN AND TURNED IT ON AND FIDDLED WITH -THE KNOBS, AND NOW YOUR CHILD, THE SAME CHILD WHO ONCE SHOVED A POLISH -SAUSAGE INTO YOUR VIDEOCASSETTE RECORDER AND SET IT ON "FAST FORWARD", THIS -CHILD ALSO IS FIDDLING WITH THE KNOBS, RIGHT? AND YOU'RE JUST NOW STARTING -TO READ THE INSTRUCTIONS, RIGHT??? WE MIGHT AS WELL JUST BREAK THESE DEVICES -RIGHT AT THE FACTORY BEFORE WE SHIP THEM OUT, YOU KNOW THAT? - -- Dave Barry -% Congratulations are in order for Tom Reid. He says he just found out he is the winner of the 2021 Psychic of the @@ -13511,22 +10887,17 @@ Conjecture: All odd numbers are prime. Engineer's Proof: 3 is prime. 5 is prime. 7 is prime. 9 is prime. 11 is prime. 13 is prime ... - Computer Scientists's Proof: + Computer Scientist's Proof: 3 is prime. 3 is prime. 3 is prime. 3 is prime... % Conquering Russia should be done steppe by steppe. % Conscience doth make cowards of us all. - -- Shakespeare + -- William Shakespeare % Conscience is defined as the thing that hurts when everything else feels great. % -Conscience is the inner voice that warns us somebody may be looking. - -- H.L. Mencken, "A Mencken Chrestomathy" -% -Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good. -% CONSENT DECREE: A document in which a hapless company consents never to commit in the future whatever heinous violations of Federal law it @@ -13580,9 +10951,6 @@ CONSULTANT: Someone who'd rather climb a tree and tell a lie than stand on the ground and tell the truth. % -Consultants are mystical people who ask a -company for a number and then give it back to them. -% CONSULTATION: Medical term meaning "to share the wealth." % @@ -13593,26 +10961,12 @@ will be, part of the dangerous alluring courtship ritual of sex and seduction, observable even in the animal kingdom. -- Camille Paglia, NY Times, Dec. 14 1990, Op Ed. % -"Contrariwise," continued Tweedledee, "if it was so, it might be, and -if it were so, it would be; but as it isn't, it ain't. That's logic!" - -- Lewis Carroll -% Convention is the ruler of all. -- Pindar % -CONVERSATION: - A vocal competition in which the one who - is catching his breath is called the listener. -% Conversation enriches the understanding, but solitude is the school of genius. % -Conway's Law: - In any organization there will always be one person who knows - what is going on. - - This person must be fired. -% Cops never say good-bye. They're always hoping to see you again in the line-up. -- Raymond Chandler @@ -13628,24 +10982,12 @@ Coronation, n: -- Ambrose Bierce % Correction does much, but encouragement does more. - -- Goethe + -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe % Correspondence Corollary: An experiment may be considered a success if no more than half your data must be discarded to obtain correspondence with your theory. % -CORRUPT: - In politics, holding an office of trust or profit. -% -Corrupt, stupid grasping functionaries will make at least as big a muddle -of socialism as stupid, selfish and acquisitive employers can make of -capitalism. - -- Walter Lippmann -% -Corruption is not the No. 1 priority of the Police Commissioner. -His job is to enforce the law and fight crime. - -- P.B.A. President E.J. Kiernan -% Corry's Law: Paper is always strongest at the perforations. % @@ -13672,20 +11014,9 @@ Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear -- not absence of fear. % Courage is your greatest present need. % -court, n.: - A place where they dispense with justice. - -- Arthur Train -% Courtship to marriage, as a very witty prologue to a very dull play. -- William Congreve % -COWARD: - One who in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs. -% -[Crash programs] fail because they are based on the theory that, -with nine women pregnant, you can get a baby a month. - -- Wernher von Braun -% Crazee Edeee, his prices are INSANE!!! % Creating computer software is always a demanding and painstaking @@ -13717,18 +11048,6 @@ Crenna's Law of Political Accountability: you are going to be held responsible for acting on it, regardless of your formal duties. % -Crime does not pay... as well as politics. - -- A.E. Neuman -% -CRITIC: - A person who boasts himself hard to please - because nobody tries to please him. -% -critic, n.: - A person who boasts himself hard to please because nobody tries - to please him. - -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" -% Criticism comes easier than craftsmanship. -- Zeuxis % @@ -13739,9 +11058,6 @@ seen it done every day, but they're unable to do it themselves. Crito, I owe a cock to Asclepius; will you remember to pay the debt? -- Socrates' last words % -Croll's Query: - If tin whistles are made of tin, what are foghorns made of? -% Cropp's Law: The amount of work done varies inversely with the time spent in the office. @@ -13811,23 +11127,15 @@ Cutler Webster's Law: There are two sides to every argument, unless a person is personally involved, in which case there is only one. % -Cutting the space budget really restores my faith in humanity. It -eliminates dreams, goals, and ideals and lets us get straight to the -business of hate, debauchery, and self-annihilation." - -- Johnny Hart -% -CYNIC: - Experienced. -% -CYNIC: - One who looks through rose-colored glasses with a jaundiced eye. -% Cynic, n: A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not as they ought to be. Hence the custom among the Scythians of plucking out a cynic's eyes to improve his vision. -- Ambrose Bierce % +Cynic, n.: + Experienced. +% Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis. -- Jack Handey @@ -13875,8 +11183,6 @@ opposite sex whose name you cannot at the moment remember. Darth Vader! Only you would be so bold! -- Princess Leia Organa % -Darth Vader sleeps with a Teddywookie. -% DATA: An accrual of straws on the backs of theories. % @@ -13903,26 +11209,12 @@ Davis' Law of Traffic Density: Davis's Dictum: Problems that go away by themselves, come back by themselves. % -DAWN: - The time when men of reason go to bed. -% -Day of inquiry. You will be subpoenaed. -% DEADWOOD: Anyone in your company who is more senior than you are. % -Dealing with failure is easy: - Work hard to improve. -Success is also easy to handle: - You've solved the wrong problem. Work hard to improve. -% -Dealing with failure is easy: work hard to improve. -Success is also easy to handle: you've solved the wrong problem. Work -hard to improve. -% Dealing with the problem of pure staff accumulation, all our researches ... point to an average increase of 5.75% per year. - -- C.N. Parkinson + -- C. N. Parkinson % Dear Emily: How can I choose what groups to post in? @@ -14020,7 +11312,7 @@ well. (And post to comp.std.mumps, since they hardly get any articles there, and a "comp" group will propagate your article further.) You may also find it is more fun to post the article once in each group. If you list all the newsgroups in the same article, some newsreaders -will only show the the article to the reader once! Don't tolerate this. +will only show the article to the reader once! Don't tolerate this. -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette % Dear Emily: @@ -14056,24 +11348,9 @@ unknown to you we have something in common. We are both rather prone to mistakes. I was elected Student Government President by mistake, and you came to school here by mistake. % -Dear Lord: - I just want a one-armed manager so I - never have to hear "On the other hand", again. -% Dear Lord: Please make my words sweet and tender, for tomorrow I may have to eat them. % -Dear Miss Manners: - My home economics teacher says that one must never place one's -elbows on the table. However, I have read that one elbow, in between -courses, is all right. Which is correct? - -Gentle Reader: - For the purpose of answering examinations in your home -economics class, your teacher is correct. Catching on to this principle -of education may be of even greater importance to you now than learning -correct current table manners, vital as Miss Manners believes that is. -% Dear Miss Manners: I carry a big black umbrella, even if there's just a thirty percent chance of rain. May I ask a young lady who is a stranger to me to share its protection? @@ -14090,30 +11367,6 @@ attractive she is. In order not to give Good Samaritanism a bad name, Miss Manners asks you to allow her two or three rainy days of unmolested protection before making your attack. % -Dear Mister Language Person: I am curious about the expression, "Part of -this complete breakfast". The way it comes up is, my 5-year-old will be -watching TV cartoon shows in the morning, and they'll show a commercial for -a children's compressed breakfast compound such as "Froot Loops" or "Lucky -Charms", and they always show it sitting on a table next to some actual food -such as eggs, and the announcer always says: "Part of this complete -breakfast". Doesn't that really mean, "Adjacent to this complete breakfast", -or "On the same table as this complete breakfast"? And couldn't they make -essentially the same claim if, instead of Froot Loops, they put a can of -shaving cream there, or a dead bat? - -Answer: Yes. - -- Dave Barry -% -Dear Mister Language Person: What is the purpose of the apostrophe? - -Answer: The apostrophe is used mainly in hand-lettered small business signs -to alert the reader than an "S" is coming up at the end of a word, as in: -WE DO NOT EXCEPT PERSONAL CHECK'S, or: NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR ANY ITEM'S. -Another important grammar concept to bear in mind when creating hand- lettered -small-business signs is that you should put quotation marks around random -words for decoration, as in "TRY" OUR HOT DOG'S, or even TRY "OUR" HOT DOG'S. - -- Dave Barry, "Tips for Writer's" -% Dear Ms. Postnews: I couldn't get mail through to somebody on another site. What should I do? @@ -14139,12 +11392,12 @@ so post it as many places as you can. % Dear Sir, I am firmly opposed to the spread of microchips either to the home or -to the office, We have more than enough of them foisted upon us in public +to the office, we have more than enough of them foisted upon us in public places. They are a disgusting Americanism, and can only result in the farmers being forced to grow smaller potatoes, which in turn will cause massive un- employment in the already severely depressed agricultural industry. Yours faithfully, - Capt. Quinton D'Arcy, J.P. + Capt. Quinton D'Arcy, J. P. Sevenoaks -- Letters To The Editor, The Times of London % @@ -14167,17 +11420,6 @@ Death is a spirit leaving a body, sort of like a shell leaving the nut behind. -- Erma Bombeck % -Death is God's way of telling you not to be such a wise guy. -% -Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired. - -- R. Geis -% -Death is Nature's way of recycling human beings. -% -Death is nature's way of saying `Howdy'. -% -Death is nature's way of telling you to slow down. -% Death rays don't kill people, people kill people!! % DEATH WISH: @@ -14205,13 +11447,6 @@ DECISIONMAKER: The person in your office who was unable to form a task force before the music stopped. % -Decisions of the judges will be final unless shouted down by a really over- -whelming majority of the crowd present. Abusive and obscene language may -not be used by contestants when addressing members of the judging panel, -or, conversely, by members of the judging panel when addressing contestants -(unless struck by a boomerang). - -- Mudgeeraba Creek Emu-Riding and Boomerang-Throwing Assoc. -% Declared guilty... of displaying feelings of an almost human nature. -- Pink Floyd, "The Wall" % @@ -14219,25 +11454,12 @@ Decorate your home. It gives the illusion that your life is more interesting than it really is. -- C. Schultz % -"Deep" is a word like "theory" or "semantic" -- it implies all sorts of -marvelous things. It's one thing to be able to say "I've got a theory", -quite another to say "I've got a semantic theory", but, ah, those who can -claim "I've got a deep semantic theory", they are truly blessed. - -- Randy Davis -% DEFAULT: The hardware's, of course. % Defeat is worse than death because you have to live with defeat. -- Bill Musselman % -#define BITCOUNT(x) (((BX_(x)+(BX_(x)>>4)) & 0x0F0F0F0F) % 255) -#define BX_(x) ((x) - (((x)>>1)&0x77777777) \ - - (((x)>>2)&0x33333333) \ - - (((x)>>3)&0x11111111)) - --- Count the number of bits in a word. -% Deflector shields just came on, Captain. % (defun NF (a c) @@ -14270,10 +11492,10 @@ Delay is preferable to error. -- Thomas Jefferson % Delay not, Caesar. Read it instantly. - -- Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar" 3,1 + -- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar" 3,1 Here is a letter, read it at your leisure. - -- Shakespeare, "Merchant of Venice" 5,1 + -- William Shakespeare, "Merchant of Venice" 5,1 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when referring to I/O system services.] @@ -14295,20 +11517,14 @@ with meditation, then in the future this problem child could become a wonder child. -- Dr. Albert Hoffman % -DELIBERATION: - The act of examining one's bread - to determine which side it is buttered on. -% -Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow. -% Delores breezed along the surface of her life like a flat stone forever skipping along smooth water, rippling reality sporadically but oblivious to it consistently, until she finally lost momentum, sank, and due to an -overdose of flouride as a child which caused her to suffer from chronic +overdose of fluoride as a child which caused her to suffer from chronic apathy, doomed herself to lie forever on the floor of her life as useless as an appendix and as lonely as a five-hundred pound barbell in a steroid-free fitness center. - -- Winning sentence, 1990 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest. + -- Winning sentence, 1990 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest % Delusions are often functional. A mother's opinions about her children's beauty, intelligence, goodness, et cetera ad @@ -14318,47 +11534,24 @@ Democracy becomes a government of bullies, tempered by editors. -- Ralph Waldo Emerson % Democracy can only be measured on the existence of an opposition. - -- Poul Henningsen [1894-1967] -% -Democracy is a form of government in which it is permitted to wonder -aloud what the country could do under first-class management. - -- Senator Soaper + -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967) % Democracy is a process by which the people are free to choose the man who will get the blame. - -- Laurence J. Peter -% -Democracy is also a form of worship. -It is the worship of Jackals by Jackasses. - -- H.L. Mencken + -- Dr. Laurence J. Peter % Democracy is the name we give the people whenever we need them. -- Arman de Caillavet, 1913 % -Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half -of the people are right more than half of the time. - -- E.B. White -% Democracy is the theory that the common people know what they want, and deserve to get it good and hard. - -- H.L. Mencken, "Little Book in C major", 1916 + -- H. L. Mencken, "Little Book in C major", 1916 % Democracy is the worst form of government except all those other forms that have been tried from time to time. -- Winston Churchill % -Democracy, n: - A government of the masses. Authority derived through mass meeting -or any other form of direct expression. Results in mobocracy. Attitude -toward property is communistic... negating property rights. Attitude toward -law is that the will of the majority shall regulate, whether it is based -upon deliberation or governed by passion, prejudice, and impulse, without -restraint or regard to consequences. Result is demagogism, license, -agitation, discontent, anarchy. - -- U. S. Army Training Manual No. 2000-25 (1928-1932), - since withdrawn. -% -Democracy, n: +Democracy, n.: In which you say what you like and do what you're told. -- Gerald Barry @@ -14384,11 +11577,6 @@ windows by Democrats. % Dental health is next to mental health. % -Dentist: - A Prestidigitator who, putting metal in one's mouth, - pulls coins out of one's pockets. - -- Ambrose Bierce -% Denver, n: A smallish city located just below the `O' in Colorado. % @@ -14400,7 +11588,7 @@ Department chairmen never die, they just lose their faculties. % Depend on the rabbit's foot if you will, but remember, it didn't help the rabbit. - -- R.E. Shay + -- R. E. Shay % Deprive a mirror of its silver and even the Czar won't see his face. % @@ -14419,21 +11607,12 @@ prior to their emergence from the shell. Despite all appearances, your boss is a thinking, feeling, human being. % -Dessert is probably the most important stage of the meal, since it will -be the last thing your guests remember before they pass out all over -the table. - -- The Anarchist Cookbook -% Destiny is a good thing to accept when it's going your way. When it isn't, don't call it destiny; call it injustice, treachery, or simple bad luck. -- Joseph Heller, "God Knows" % Detroit is Cleveland without the glitter. % -DeVries' Dilemma: - If you hit two keys on the typewriter, - the one you don't want hits the paper. -% Dianetics is a milestone for man comparable to his discovery of fire and superior to his invention of the wheel and the arch. -- L. Ron Hubbard @@ -14502,18 +11681,12 @@ select a fortune at random from either the offensive or inoffensive set, and it is suggested that "fortune -a" is the command that you should have in your .profile or .cshrc. file. % -Did you know that clones never use mirrors? -% Did you know that for the price of a 280-Z you can buy two Z-80's? - -- P.J. Plauger + -- P. J. Plauger % Did you know the University of Iowa closed down after someone stole the book? % -Did you know.... - -That no-one ever reads these things? -% Didja' ever have to make up your mind, Pick up on one and leave the other behind, It's not often easy, and it's not often kind, @@ -14525,17 +11698,11 @@ Didja hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper who sold his soul to Santa? "Didn't I buy a 1951 Packard from you last March in Cairo?" -- Zippy the Pinhead % -Die? I should say not, dear fellow. No Barrymore -would allow such a conventional thing to happen to him. - -- John Barrymore's dying words -% Diet Mountain Dew has the same pH and density of urine. -- Newsweek, 31 July, 1989 % Dieters live life in the fasting lane. % -Different all twisty a of in maze are you, passages little. -% Digital circuits are made from analog parts. -- Don Vonada % @@ -14574,9 +11741,6 @@ Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else have your way. Diplomacy is the art of letting the other party have things your way. -- Daniele Vare % -Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggie" until you can find a rock. - -- Wynn Catlin -% Diplomacy is to do and say, the nastiest thing in the nicest way. -- Balfour % @@ -14593,16 +11757,12 @@ Dirksen's Three Laws of Politics: disbar, n: As distinguished from some other bar. % -Disc space -- the final frontier! -% DISCLAIMER: Use of this advanced computing technology does not imply an endorsement of Western industrial civilization. % Disclose classified information only when a NEED TO KNOW exists. % -Disco is to music what Etch-A-Sketch is to art. -% Disease can be cured; fate is incurable. -- Chinese proverb % @@ -14619,9 +11779,6 @@ Benchmarks, and Delivery dates. Distance doesn't make you any smaller, but it does make you part of a larger picture. % -DISTRESS: - A disease incurred by exposure to the prosperity of a friend. -% Distrust all those who love you extremely upon a very slight acquaintance and without any visible reason. -- Lord Chesterfield @@ -14638,12 +11795,8 @@ Do I like getting drunk? Depends on who's doing the drinking. % Do Miami a favor. When you leave, take someone with you. % -Do molecular biologists wear designer genes? -% Do more than anyone expects, and pretty soon everyone will expect more. % -Do not believe in miracles -- rely on them. -% Do not clog intellect's sluices with bits of knowledge of questionable uses. % Do not count your chickens before they are hatched. @@ -14660,12 +11813,8 @@ Do not do unto others as you would they should do unto you. Their tastes may not be the same. -- George Bernard Shaw % -Do not drink coffee in early A.M. It will keep you awake until noon. -% Do not handicap your children by making their lives easy. - -- Robert Heinlein -% -Do not meddle in the affairs of troff, for it is subtle and quick to anger. + -- Robert A. Heinlein % Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards, for they become soggy and hard to light. @@ -14675,10 +11824,6 @@ for they are subtle and quick to anger. % Do not overtax your powers. % -Do not read this fortune under penalty of law. -Violators will be prosecuted. -(Penal Code sec. 2.3.2 (II.a.)) -% Do not seek death; death will find you. But seek the road which makes death a fulfillment. -- Dag Hammarskjold @@ -14686,18 +11831,12 @@ But seek the road which makes death a fulfillment. Do not simplify the design of a program if a way can be found to make it complex and wonderful. % -Do not sleep in a eucalyptus tree tonight. -% Do not stoop to tie your laces in your neighbor's melon patch. % Do not take life too seriously; you will never get out of it alive. % Do not think by infection, catching an opinion like a cold. % -Do not try to solve all life's problems at once -- -learn to dread each day as it comes. - -- Donald Kaul -% Do not underestimate the power of the Farce. % Do not underestimate the power of the Force. @@ -14717,8 +11856,6 @@ Do, or do not; there is no try. % Do people know you have freckles everywhere? % -Do something unusual today. Pay a bill. -% Do students of Zen Buddhism do Om-work? % Do unto others before they undo you. @@ -14755,7 +11892,7 @@ think, for every one who does, and these people hate the thinkers like poison. Even if some thinkers are fanciful, it is wrong to make fun of them for it. Better to think about cucumbers even, than not to think at all. - -- T.H. White + -- T. H. White % Do you know Montana? % @@ -14772,7 +11909,7 @@ between Nixon and the White House. -- John F. Kennedy, in 1960 % Do you suffer painful elimination? - -- Don Knuth, "Structured Programming with Gotos" + -- Donald E. Knuth, "Structured Programming with Gotos" Do you suffer painful recrimination? -- Nancy Boxer, "Structured Programming with Come-froms" @@ -14793,11 +11930,6 @@ just whipped out a quarter? "Well, SOMEbody's out to get me!" -- Calvin and Hobbs % -"Do you think what we're doing is wrong?" -"Of course it's wrong! It's illegal!" -"I've never done anything illegal before." -"I thought you said you were an accountant!" -% Do you think your mother and I should have lived comfortably so long together if ever we had been married? % @@ -14806,7 +11938,7 @@ your business success? Here's a telling test: Look in the mirror. Is your skin smooth and lovely, your hair gleaming, your make-up glamorous? Are you slender enough for your height? Do you stand erect, confident? Yes? Then you are on your way to success as a woman. - -- Ladies Home Journal, 1947 advertisement + -- Ladies' Home Journal, 1947 advertisement % Do your otters do the shimmy? Do they like to shake their tails? @@ -14824,12 +11956,6 @@ Documentation: Instructions translated from Swedish by Japanese for English speaking persons. % -Documentation is the castor oil of programming. Managers know it must -be good because the programmers hate it so much. -% -Documentation is the castor oil of programming. -Managers know it must be good because the programmers hate it so much. -% Does a good farmer neglect a crop he has planted? Does a good teacher overlook even the most humble student? Does a good father allow a single child to starve? @@ -14838,8 +11964,6 @@ Does a good programmer refuse to maintain his code? % Does a one-legged duck swim in a circle? % -Does the name Pavlov ring a bell? -% Dogs just don't seem to be able to tell the difference between important people and the rest of us. % @@ -14849,17 +11973,6 @@ Doing gets it done. % Domestic happiness and faithful friends. % -Don -Ameche: I didn't know you had a cousin Penelope, Bill! - Was she pretty? -W.C.: Well, her face was so wrinkled it looked like seven miles of - bad road. She had so many gold teeth, Don, she use to have - to sleep with her head in a safe. She died in Bolivia. -Don: Oh Bill, it must be hard to lose a relative. -W.C.: It's almost impossible. - -- W.C. Fields, "The Further Adventures of Larson E. - Whipsnade and other Tarradiddles" -% Don't abandon hope. Your Captain Midnight decoder ring arrives tomorrow. % @@ -14871,32 +11984,19 @@ It's only me pursuing something I'm not sure of, Across my dreams, with neptive wonder, I chase the bright elusive butterfly of love. % -Don't be humble, you're not that great. - -- Golda Meir -% -Don't be humble, you're not that great. - -- Golda Meir -% -Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't -be replaced, you cannot be promoted. -% Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted. % Don't be overly suspicious where it's not warranted. % -Don't believe everything you hear or anything you say. -% Don't buy a landslide. I don't want to have to pay for one more vote than I have to. - -- Joseph P. Kennedy, on JFK's election strategy. + -- Joseph P. Kennedy, on JFK's election strategy % Don't compare floating point numbers solely for equality. % Don't confuse things that need action with those that take care of themselves. % -Don't cook tonight -- starve a rat today! -% Don't crush that dwarf, hand me the pliers! -- Firesign Theatre % @@ -14923,13 +12023,9 @@ Don't everyone thank me at once! Don't expect people to keep in step-- it's hard enough just staying in line. % -Don't feed the bats tonight. -% Don't force it, get a larger hammer. -- Anthony % -Don't get even, get odd. -% Don't get mad, get even. -- Joseph P. Kennedy @@ -14940,25 +12036,13 @@ Don't get mad, get interest. % Don't get stuck in a closet -- wear yourself out. % -Don't get suckered in by the comments -- they -can be terribly misleading. Debug only code. - -- Dave Storer -% Don't get to bragging. % -Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. -The world owes you nothing. It was here first. - -- Mark Twain -% -Don't go surfing in South Dakota for a while. -% Don't go to bed with no price on your head. -- Baretta % Don't guess - check your security regulations. % -Don't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep till noon. -% Don't have good ideas if you aren't willing to be responsible for them. % Don't hit the keys so hard, it hurts. @@ -14968,14 +12052,10 @@ Don't I know you? Don't interfere with the stranger's style. % Don't just eat a hamburger; eat the HELL out of it. - -- J.R. "Bob" Dobbs + -- J. R. "Bob" Dobbs % Don't kid yourself. Little is relevant, and nothing lasts forever. % -Don't kiss an elephant on the lips today. -% -Don't knock President Fillmore. He kept us out of Vietnam. -% Don't know what time I'll be back, Mom. Probably soon after she throws me out. % @@ -14991,12 +12071,8 @@ remember, if you don't follow your dreams, you'll never know what's on the other side of the rainbow... -- melba moore, "the other side of the rainbow" % -Don't let people drive you crazy when you know it's in walking distance. -% Don't let your status become too quo! % -Don't look back, the lemmings are gaining on you. -% Don't look back, the lemmings might be gaining on you. % Don't look now, but the man in the moon is laughing at you. @@ -15013,7 +12089,7 @@ Your brains are in it. Don't make a big deal out of everything; just deal with everything. % Don't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper. - -- Scottish Proverb + -- Scottish proverb % Don't mind him; politicians always sound like that. % @@ -15038,13 +12114,10 @@ Don't relax! It's only your tension that's holding you together. Don't remember what you can infer. -- Harry Tennant % -Don't say "yes" until I finish talking. - -- Darryl F. Zanuck -% Don't shoot until you're sure you both aren't on the same side. % Don't shout for help at night. You might wake your neighbors. - -- Stanislaw J. Lem, "Unkempt Thoughts" + -- Stanislaw J. Lec, "Unkempt Thoughts" % Don't smoke the next cigarette. Repeat. % @@ -15066,8 +12139,6 @@ Don't talk to me about naval tradition. It's nothing but rum, sodomy and the lash. -- Winston Churchill % -Don't tell any big lies today. Small ones can be just as effective. -% Don't tell me how hard you work. Tell me how much you get done. -- James J. Ling % @@ -15095,27 +12166,14 @@ Don't worry. Life's too long. % Don't worry -- the brontosaurus is slow, stupid, and placid. % -Don't worry about people stealing your ideas. If your ideas -are any good, you'll have to ram them down people's throats. - -- Howard Aiken -% -Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. -It's already tomorrow in Australia. - -- Charles Schultz -% Don't Worry, Be Happy. -- Meher Baba % Don't worry if you're a kleptomaniac, you can always take something for it. % -Don't worry over what other people are thinking about you. -They're too busy worrying over what you are thinking about them. -% Don't worry so loud, your roommate can't think. % -Don't you feel more like you do now than you did when you came in? -% "Don't you think what we're doing is wrong?" "Of course it's wrong! It's illegal!" "Well, I've never done anything illegal before." @@ -15126,10 +12184,6 @@ want to help you could agree with each other? % Don't you wish you had more energy... or less ambition? % -Dope will get you through times of no money better that money will get -you through times of no dope. - -- Gilbert Shelton -% Dorothy: But how can you talk without a brain? Scarecrow: Well, I don't know... but some people without brains do an awful lot of talking. @@ -15157,11 +12211,6 @@ Double Bucky, I'd like a whole word of you! be added to terminal codes on 36-bit machines for use by screen editors. [to the tune of "Rubber Ducky"] % -double-blind Experiment, n: - An experiment in which the chief researcher believes he is -fooling both the subject and the lab assistant. Often accompanied -by a strong belief in the tooth fairy. -% Doubt is a not a pleasant mental state, but certainty is a ridiculous one. -- Voltaire % @@ -15169,7 +12218,7 @@ Doubt is not a pleasant condition, but certainty is absurd. -- Voltaire % Doubt isn't the opposite of faith; it is an element of faith. - -- Paul Tillich, German theologian. + -- Paul Tillich, German theologian % Down to the Banana Republics, Down to the tropical sun. @@ -15224,22 +12273,14 @@ Dr. Jekyll had something to Hyde. Dr. Livingston? Dr. Livingston I. Presume? % -Draft beer, not people. -% Drakenberg's Discovery: If you can't seem to find your glasses, it's probably because you don't have them on. % -Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing. -% Dreams are free, but there's a small charge for alterations. % Dreams are free, but you get soaked on the connect time. % -Drew's Law of Highway Biology: - The first bug to hit a clean windshield - lands directly in front of your eyes. -% Drilling for oil is boring. % Drink and dance and laugh and lie @@ -15265,8 +12306,6 @@ Drinking when we are not thirsty and making love at all seasons, madam: that is all there is to distinguish us from the other animals. -- Pierre de Beaumarchais, "Le Marriage de Figaro" % -Drive defensively, buy a tank. -% Driving in Texas is simple. For the first 100 miles you swerve to avoid jackrabbits. For the second 100 miles you hit whatever jackrabbits get in the way. After that you chase off into the @@ -15291,8 +12330,6 @@ drug, n: A substance that, when injected into a rat, produces a scientific paper. % -Drugs may be the road to nowhere, but at least they're the scenic route! -% Drunks are rarely amusing unless they know some good songs and lose a lot a poker. -- Karyl Roosevelt @@ -15308,19 +12345,6 @@ Duckies are fun! % Ducks? What ducks?? % -Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, -and a dark side, and it holds the universe together. - -- Carl Zwanzig -% -Due to a shortage of devoted followers, the -production of great leaders has been discontinued. -% -Due to circumstances beyond your control, you are master of your -fate and captain of your soul. -% -Due to circumstances beyond your control, -you are master of your fate and captain of your soul. -% Dungeons and Dragons is just a lot of Saxon Violence. % During almost fifteen centuries the legal establishment of Christianity has @@ -15354,18 +12378,16 @@ Duty, n: % Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. My advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it. - -- W. Somerset Maughm, his last words + -- W. Somerset Maugham, his last words % Dying is easy. Comedy is difficult. - -- Actor Edmond Gween, on his deathbed. + -- Actor Edmond Gween, on his deathbed % Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. -- Woody Allen % E = MC ** 2 +- 3db % -E Pluribus UNIX. -% Each man is his own prisoner, in solitary confinement for life. % Each new user of a new system uncovers a new class of bugs. @@ -15429,17 +12451,10 @@ Early to rise and early to bed makes a man healthy and wealthy and dead. -- James Thurber % -Earn cash in your spare time -- blackmail your friends. -% Earth Destroyed by Solar Flare -- film clips at eleven. % /earth: file system full. % -/Earth is 98% full ... please delete anyone you can. -% -Earth is a great funhouse without the fun. - -- Jeff Berner -% Easiest Color to Solve on a Rubik's Cube: Black. Simply remove all the little colored stickers on the cube, and each of @@ -15459,9 +12474,9 @@ But I'm goin' to heaven in a flash of fire, Eat as much as you like -- just don't swallow it. -- Harry Secombe's diet % -Eat drink and be merry! Tomorrow you may be in Utah. +Eat, drink, and be merry! Tomorrow you may be in Utah. % -Eat drink and be merry, for tomorrow we diet. +Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow we diet. % Eat one live frog the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to either of you for the rest of the day. @@ -15473,17 +12488,8 @@ will happen to you the rest of the day. % Eat right, stay fit, and die anyway. % -Eat the rich, the poor are tough and stringy. -% Eating chocolate is like being in love without the aggravation. % -Economics is extremely useful as a form of employment for economists. - -- John Kenneth Galbraith -% -economics, n.: - Economics is the study of the value and meaning of J.K. Galbraith. - -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" -% Economies of scale: The notion that bigger is better. In particular, that if you want a certain amount of computer power, it is much better to buy one @@ -15496,14 +12502,6 @@ economist, n: Someone who's good with figures, but doesn't have enough personality to become an accountant. % -Economists can certainly disappoint you. One said that the economy would -turn up by the last quarter. Well, I'm down to mine and it hasn't. - -- Robert Orben -% -Economists state their GNP growth projections to the nearest tenth of a -percentage point to prove they have a sense of humor. - -- Edgar R. Fiedler -% Editing is a rewording activity. % Education and religion are two things not regulated by supply and @@ -15517,11 +12515,8 @@ time that nothing that is worth knowing can be taught. Education is learning what you didn't even know you didn't know. -- Daniel J. Boorstin % -Education is the process of casting false pearls before real swine. - -- Irwin Edman -% Education is what survives when what has been learnt has been forgotten. - -- B.F. Skinner + -- B. F. Skinner % Educational television should be absolutely forbidden. It can only lead to unreasonable disappointment when your child discovers that the letters @@ -15532,33 +12527,19 @@ royal-blue chickens. Eeny, Meeny, Jelly Beanie, The spirits are about to speak... % -Eggheads unite! You have nothing to lose but your yolks. - -- Adlai Stevenson -% Ego sum ens omnipotens % -Egotism is the anesthetic given by a kindly nature -to relieve the pain of being a damned fool. - -- Bellamy Brooks -% Egotism is the anesthetic which numbs the pain of stupidity. % -Egotism, n: +Egotism, n.: Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle with a pen. -Egotist, n: +Egotist, n.: A person of low taste, more interested in himself than me. - -- Ambrose Bierce + -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" % egrep -n '^[a-z].*\(' $ | sort -t':' +2.0 % -Ehrman's Commentary: - 1. Things will get worse before they get better. - 2. Who said things would get better? -% -Eighty percent of air pollution comes from plants and trees. - -- Ronald Reagan, famous movie star -% ...eighty years later he could still recall with the young pang of his original joy his falling in love with Ada. -- Nabokov @@ -15566,11 +12547,7 @@ original joy his falling in love with Ada. Einstein argued that there must be simplified explanations of nature, because God is not capricious or arbitrary. No such faith comforts the software engineer. - -- Fred Brooks -% -Eisenhower was very nice, -Nixon was his only vice. - -- C. Degen + -- Frederick Brooks % Either I'm dead or my watch has stopped. -- Groucho Marx' last words @@ -15578,23 +12555,27 @@ Either I'm dead or my watch has stopped. ELBONICS: The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theatre. - -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends + -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets" % Eleanor Rigby -Sits at the keyboard and waits for a line on the screen + Sits at the keyboard + And waits for a line on the screen Lives in a dream -Waits for a signal, finding some code that will - make the machine do some more. +Waits for a signal + Finding some code + That will make the machine do some more. What is it for? All the lonely users, where do they all come from? All the lonely users, why does it take so long? Hacker MacKensie -Writing the code for a program that no one will run + Writing the code for a program + that no one will run It's nearly done -Look at him working, fixing the bugs in the night when there's - nobody there. +Look at him working, + fixing the bugs in the night + when there's nobody there. What does he care? All the lonely users, where do they all come from? @@ -15623,19 +12604,12 @@ WARNING: Keep ingredients away from open flame. Not recommended for children under eight years of age. % -Electrical Engineers do it with less resistance. -% -Electrocution, n: - Burning at the stake with all the modern improvements. -% Elegance and truth are inversely related. -- Becker's Razor % Elephant, n: A mouse built to government specifications. % -Elevators smell different to midgets. -% Eleventh Law of Acoustics: In a minimum-phase system there is an inextricable link between frequency response, phase response and transient response, as they @@ -15664,23 +12638,9 @@ Barmaid: Why, we get both kinds of music, Country and Western. Emacs, n: A slow-moving parody of a text editor. % -Emersons' Law of Contrariness: - Our chief want in life is somebody who shall make us do - what we can. Having found them, we shall then hate them - for it. -% Encyclopedia for sale by father. Son knows everything. % -Encyclopedia Salesmen: - Invite them all in. Nip out the back door. Phone the police - and tell them your house is being burgled. - -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" -% -Endless Loop: n. see Loop, Endless. -Loop, Endless: n. see Endless Loop. - -- Random Shack Data Processing Dictionary -% Endless the world's turn, endless the sun's spinning Endless the quest; I turn again, back to my own beginning, @@ -15697,7 +12657,7 @@ Management: "When will this work?" Liberal Arts: "Do you want fries with that?" % English literature's performing flea. - -- Sean O'Casey on P.G. Wodehouse + -- Sean O'Casey on P. G. Wodehouse % Engram, n: 1. The physical manifestation of human memory -- "the engram." @@ -15725,8 +12685,6 @@ Entrepreneur, n: A high-rolling risk taker who would rather be a spectacular failure than a dismal success. % -Entropy isn't what it used to be. -% Entropy requires no maintenance. -- Markoff Chaney % @@ -15737,23 +12695,12 @@ Envy, n: Wishing you'd been born with an unfair advantage, instead of having to try and acquire one. % -Enzymes are things invented by biologists -that explain things which otherwise require harder thinking. - -- Jerome Lettvin -% -Equal bytes for women. -% Ere the cock crows thrice one of you will betray me. -- Early Jewish Resistance Leader % Ernest asks Frank how long he has been working for the company. "Ever since they threatened to fire me." % -Es brilig war. Die schlichte Toven - Wirrten und wimmelten in Waben; -Und aller-mumsige Burggoven - Dir mohmen Rath ausgraben. -% Eschew obfuscation. % Established technology tends to persist in the face of new technology. @@ -15761,26 +12708,15 @@ Established technology tends to persist in the face of new technology. % E.T. GO HOME!!! (And take your Smurfs with you.) % -Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it. - -- Woody Allen -% Eternity is a terrible thought. I mean, where's it going to end? -- Tom Stoppard % Etiquette is for those with no breeding; fashion for those with no taste. % -Etymology, n: - Some early etymological scholars came up with derivations that - were hard for the public to believe. The term 'etymology' was - formed from the Latin 'etus' ("eaten"), the root 'mal' ("bad"), - and 'logy' ("study of"). It meant "the study of things that are - hard to swallow." - -- Mike Kellen -% -Euch ist becannt, was wir beduerfen; +Euch ist bekannt, was wir beduerfen; Wir wollen stark Getraenke schluerfen. - -- Goethe, "Faust" + -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe, "Faust" % Eudaemonic research proceeded with the casual mania peculiar to this part of the world. Nude sunbathing on the back deck was combined with phone calls to @@ -15817,16 +12753,9 @@ Even God cannot change the past. Even God lends a hand to honest boldness. -- Menander % -Even if you do learn to speak correct -English, whom are you going to speak it to? - -- Clarence Darrow -% Even if you persuade me, you won't persuade me. -- Aristophanes % -Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there. - -- Will Rogers -% Even in the moment of our earliest kiss, When sighed the straitened bud into the flower, Sat the dry seed of most unwelcome this; @@ -15846,19 +12775,6 @@ I tell you this across the blackened vine. % Even moderation ought not to be practiced to excess. % -Even nowadays a man can't step up and kill a woman without feeling -just a bit unchivalrous... - -- Robert Benchley -% -Even the best of friends cannot attend each other's funeral. - -- Kehlog Albran -% -Even the best of friends cannot attend each other's funeral. - -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit" -% -Even though they raised the rate for first class mail in the United -States we really shouldn't complain -- it's still only 2 cents a day. -% Events are not affected, they develop. -- Sri Aurobindo % @@ -15871,9 +12787,6 @@ Ever get the feeling that the world's on tape and one of the reels is missing? -- Rich Little % -Ever notice that even the busiest people are -never too busy to tell you just how busy they are? -% Ever notice that the word "therapist" breaks down into "the rapist"? Simple coincidence? Maybe... @@ -15946,7 +12859,7 @@ Therefore fire engines are red. Ever wondered about the origins of the term "bugs" as applied to computer technology? U.S. Navy Capt. Grace Murray Hopper has firsthand explanation. The 74-year-old captain, who is still on active duty, was a pioneer in -computer technology during World War II. At the C.W. Post Center of Long +computer technology during World War II. At the C. W. Post Center of Long Island University, Hopper told a group of Long Island public school adminis- trators that the first computer "bug" was a real bug--a moth. At Harvard one August night in 1945, Hopper and her associates were working on the @@ -15974,8 +12887,6 @@ you should have sold it, and bought titanium. Every country has the government it deserves. -- Joseph De Maistre % -Every creature has within him the wild, uncontrollable urge to punt. -% Every day it's the same thing -- variety. I want something different. % Every day people are straying away from the church and going back to God. @@ -15983,18 +12894,6 @@ Every day people are straying away from the church and going back to God. % Every dog has its day, but the nights belong to the pussycats. % -Every gun that is made, every warship launched, every rocket fired -signifies in the final sense, a theft from those who hunger and are not -fed, those who are cold and are not clothed. This world in arms is not -spending money alone. It is spending the sweat of its laborers, the -genius of its scientists, the hopes of its children. This is not -a way of life at all in any true sense. Under the clouds of war, it -is humanity hanging on a cross of iron. - -- Dwight Eisenhower, 1953 -% -Every little picofarad has a nanohenry all its own. - -- Don Vonada -% Every love's the love before In a duller dress. -- Dorothy Parker, "Summary" @@ -16011,9 +12910,6 @@ but he would draw his notions from the fabric of the ship, and would find in the mind, sails, masts, rudder, and compass. -- Thomas Reid, "An Inquiry into the Human Mind", 1764 % -Every man is as God made him, ay, and often worse. - -- Miguel de Cervantes -% Every man takes the limits of his own field of vision for the limits of the world. -- Schopenhauer @@ -16058,7 +12954,7 @@ when they aren't. When a politician rubs his nose, he isn't lying. When a politician tugs on his ear, he isn't lying. - When a politician scratches his colar bone, he isn't lying. + When a politician scratches his collar bone, he isn't lying. When his mouth starts moving, that's when he's lying! % Every paper published in a respectable journal should have a preface by @@ -16072,10 +12968,6 @@ Every person, all the events in your life are there because you have drawn them there. What you choose to do with them is up to you. -- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul % -Every program has at least one bug and can be shortened by at least one -instruction -- from which, by induction, one can deduce that every program -can be reduced to one instruction which doesn't work. -% Every program has (at least) two purposes: the one for which it was written and another for which it wasn't. % @@ -16088,9 +12980,6 @@ bend a disk. commenting on the benefits of using computers in support of their movement. % -Every successful person has had failures -but repeated failure is no guarantee of eventual success. -% Every suicide is a solution to a problem. -- Jean Baechler % @@ -16098,17 +12987,12 @@ Every time I look at you I am more convinced of Darwin's theory. % Every time I lose weight, it finds me again! % -Every time I think I know where it's at, they move it. -% Every time you manage to close the door on Reality, it comes in through the window. % Every why hath a wherefore. -- William Shakespeare, "A Comedy of Errors" % -Every word is like an unnecessary stain on silence and nothingness. - -- Beckett -% Every young man should have a hobby: learning how to handle money is the best one. -- Jack Hurley @@ -16134,9 +13018,6 @@ Everybody has something to conceal. Everybody is given the same amount of hormones, at birth, and if you want to use yours for growing hair, that's fine with me. % -Everybody is somebody else's weirdo. - -- Dykstra -% Everybody knows that the dice are loaded. Everybody rolls with their fingers crossed. Everybody knows the war is over. Everybody knows the good guys lost. Everybody knows the fight was fixed: the poor stay @@ -16166,8 +13047,6 @@ Everybody likes a kidder, but nobody lends him money. Everybody needs a little love sometime; stop hacking and fall in love! % -Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die. -% Everyone can be taught to sculpt: Michelangelo would have had to be taught how not to. So it is with the great programmers. % @@ -16183,17 +13062,6 @@ Everyone is in the best seat. Everyone is more or less mad on one point. -- Rudyard Kipling % -Everyone knows that dragons don't exist. But while this simplistic -formulation may satisfy the layman, it does not suffice for the -scientific mind. The School of Higher Neantical Nillity is in fact -wholly unconcerned with what DOES exist. Indeed, the banality of -existence has been so amply demonstrated, there is no need for us -to discuss it any further here. The brilliant Cerebron, attacking -the problem analytically, discovered three distinct kinds of dragon: -the mythical, the chimerical, and the purely hypothetical. They were -all, one might say, nonexistent, but each nonexisted in an entirely -different way... -% Everyone wants results, but no one is willing to do what it takes to get them. -- Dirty Harry @@ -16222,9 +13090,6 @@ Everything I like is either illegal, immoral or fattening. Everything in this book may be wrong. -- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul % -Everything is controlled by a small evil group -to which, unfortunately, no one we know belongs. -% Everything is possible. Pass the word. -- Rita Mae Brown, "Six of One" % @@ -16232,9 +13097,7 @@ Everything might be different in the present if only one thing had been different in the past. % Everything new stalls because there is precedence for the old. - -- Poul Henningsen [1894-1967] -% -Everything should be built top-down, except the first time. + -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967) % Everything should be built top-down, except this time. % @@ -16251,26 +13114,10 @@ Everything that you know is wrong, but you can be straightened out. % Everything will be just tickety-boo today. % -Everything you know is wrong! -% Everything you read in newspapers is absolutely true, except for that rare story of which you happen to have first-hand knowledge. -- Erwin Knoll % -Everything you've learned in school as "obvious" becomes less and less -obvious as you begin to study the universe. For example, there are no -solids in the universe. There's not even a suggestion of a solid. -There are no absolute continuums. There are no surfaces. There are no -straight lines. - -- R. Buckminster Fuller -% -Everything you've learned in school as "obvious" becomes less and less -obvious as you begin to study the universe. For example, there are no -solids in the universe. There's not even a suggestion of a solid. There -are no absolute continuums. There are no surfaces. There are no -straight lines. - -- R. Buckminster Fuller -% Everything's great in this good old world; (This is the stuff they can always use.) God's in his heaven, the hill's dew-pearled; @@ -16294,7 +13141,7 @@ Well look again. % Evil is that which one believes of others. It is a sin to believe evil of others, but it is seldom a mistake. - -- H.L. Mencken + -- H. L. Mencken % Evolution is a million line computer program falling into place by accident. @@ -16306,23 +13153,16 @@ doubt it, it is customary for scientists to call it a fact. That all present life descended from earlier forms, over vast stretches of geologic time, is as firmly established as Copernican cosmology. Biologists differ only with respect to theories about how the process operates. - -- Martin Gardner, "Irving Kristol and the Facts of Life". + -- Martin Gardner, "Irving Kristol and the Facts of Life" % -Examinations are formidable even to the best prepared, for -even the greatest fool may ask more the the wisest man can answer. - -- C.C. Colton +Examinations are formidable even to the best prepared, for even +the greatest fool may ask more than the wisest man can answer. + -- C. C. Colton % Example is not the main thing in influencing others. It is the only thing. -- Albert Schweitzer % -Excellent day for drinking heavily. -Spike the office water cooler. -% -Excellent day to have a rotten day. -% -Excellent time to become a missing person. -% Exceptions prove the rule, and wreck the budget. -- Miller % @@ -16332,15 +13172,7 @@ customer working for a well-known military-affiliated research lab: Support: "You're not our only customer, you know." Customer: "But we're one of the few with tactical nuclear weapons." % -Excess on occasion is exhilarating. It prevents moderation from -acquiring the deadening effect of a habit. - -- W. Somerset Maugham -% -Excess on occasion is exhilarating. It prevents -moderation from acquiring the deadening effect of a habit. - -- W. Somerset Maugham -% -Excessive login messages is a sure sign of senility. +Excessive login messages are a sure sign of senility. % Execute every act of thy life as though it were thy last. -- Marcus Aurelius @@ -16356,13 +13188,8 @@ Expansion means complexity; and complexity decay. % Expect a letter from a friend who will ask a favor of you. % -Expect the worst, it's the least you can do. -% Expedience is the best teacher. % -Expense accounts, n: - Corporate food stamps. -% Experience is a good teacher, but she sends in terrific bills. -- Minna Antrim, "Naked Truth and Veiled Allusions" % @@ -16370,20 +13197,8 @@ Experience is not what happens to you; it is what you do with what happens to you. -- Aldous Huxley % -Experience is that marvelous thing that enables -you recognize a mistake when you make it again. - -- Franklin Jones -% -Experience is the worst teacher. It always -gives the test first and the instruction afterward. -% -Experience is what causes a person -to make new mistakes instead of old ones. -% Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted. % -Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else. -% Experience, n: Something you don't get until just after you need it. -- Olivier @@ -16392,8 +13207,6 @@ Experience teaches you that the man who looks you straight in the eye, particularly if he adds a firm handshake, is hiding something. -- Clifton Fadiman, "Enter Conversing" % -Experience varies directly with equipment ruined. -% Experiments must be reproducible; they should all fail in the same way. % External Security: @@ -16418,11 +13231,10 @@ Extremism in the defense of liberty is no vice... moderation in the pursuit of justice is no virtue. -- Barry Goldwater % -f u cn rd ths, itn tyg h myxbl cd. -% -f u cn rd ths, u cn gt a gd jb n cmptr prgrmmng. -% -F u cn rd ths u cnt spl wrth a dm! +F. S. Fitzgerald to Hemingway: + "Ernest, the rich are different from us." +Hemingway: + "Yes. They have more money." % f u cn rd ths, u r prbbly a lsy spllr. % @@ -16462,31 +13274,16 @@ Failure is more frequently from want of energy than want of capital. Fain would I climb, yet fear I to fall. -- Sir Walter Raleigh % -Fairy tale: - A horror story to prepare children for the newspapers. -% Faith goes out through the window when beauty comes in at the door. % Faith has never moved as much as a pin-head from the place it ought to be according to tradition and the scriptures. It is the doubt that moved all the mountains. - -- Poul Henningsen [1894-1967] -% -Faith is the quality that enables you to eat blackberry jam -on a picnic without looking to see whether the seeds move. + -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967) % Faith is under the left nipple. -- Martin Luther % -Faith, n: - That quality which enables us to - believe what we know to be untrue. -% -Fakir, n: - A psychologist whose charismatic data have inspired almost - religious devotion in his followers, even though the sources - seem to have shinnied up a rope and vanished. -% Falling in Love When two people have been on enough dates, they generally fall in love. You can tell you're in love by the way you feel: your head becomes @@ -16501,7 +13298,7 @@ You never get to do it enough to become good at it. % Falling in love makes smoking pot all day look like the ultimate in restraint. - -- Dave Sim, author of "Cerebus". + -- Dave Sim, author of "Cerebus" % Fame is a vapor; popularity an accident; the only earthly certainty is oblivion. @@ -16513,33 +13310,9 @@ autograph seeker handed me a pen and paper under the stall door. % Fame may be fleeting but obscurity is forever. % -Familiarity breeds attempt. -% Familiarity breeds contempt -- and children. -- Mark Twain % -Families, when a child is born -Want it to be intelligent. -I, through intelligence, -Having wrecked my whole life, -Only hope the baby will prove -Ignorant and stupid. -Then he will crown a tranquil life -By becoming a Cabinet Minister - -- Su Tung-p'o -% -Famous last words: -% -Famous last words: - 1: Don't unplug it, it will just take a moment to fix. - 2: Let's take the shortcut, he can't see us from there. - 3: What happens if you touch these two wires tog... - 4: We won't need reservations. - 5: It's always sunny there this time of the year. - 6: Don't worry, it's not loaded. - 7: They'd never (be stupid enough to) make him a manager. - 8: Don't worry! Women love it! -% Fanaticism consists of redoubling your effort when you have forgotten your aim. -- George Santayana @@ -16561,22 +13334,10 @@ was the Empire forged. % Far duller than a serpent's tooth it is to spend a quiet youth. % -Far out in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the Western -Spiral arm of the Galaxy lies a small unregarded yellow sun. Orbiting this -at a distance of roughly ninety-eight million miles is an utterly -insignificant little blue-green planet whose ape-descended life forms are -so amazingly primitive that they still think digital watches are a pretty -neat idea. - -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhicker's Guide to the Galaxy" -% Farmers in the Iowa State survey rated machinery breakdowns more stressful than divorce. -- Wall Street Journal % -Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter -it every six months. - -- Oscar Wilde -% Fashions have done more harm than revolutions. -- Victor Hugo % @@ -16595,8 +13356,6 @@ Fat people of the world unite, we've got nothing to lose! Father: Son, it's time we talked about sex. Son: Sure, Dad, what do you want to know? % -Fats Loves Madelyn. -% Fay: The British police force used to be run by men of integrity. Truscott: That is a mistake which has been rectified. -- Joe Orton, "Loot" @@ -16628,12 +13387,12 @@ Feeling amorous, she looked under the sheets and cried, "Oh, no, it's Microsoft!" % Felix Catus is your taxonomic nomenclature, -An endothermic quadroped, carniverous by nature. +An endothermic quadruped, carnivorous by nature. Your visual, olfactory, and auditory senses Contribute to your hunting skills and natural defenses. I find myself intrigued by your sub-vocal oscillations, A singular development of cat communications -That obviates your basic hedonistic predelection +That obviates your basic hedonistic predilection For a rhythmic stroking of your fur to demonstrate affection. A tail is quite essential for your acrobatic talents: You would not be so agile if you lacked its counterbalance; @@ -16648,7 +13407,7 @@ I nonetheless consider you a true and valued friend. Fellow programmer, greetings! You are reading a letter which will bring you luck and good fortune. Just mail (or UUCP) ten copies of this letter to ten of your friends. Before you make the copies, send a chip or -other bit of hardware, and 100 lines of 'C' code to the first person on the +other bit of hardware, and 100 lines of "C" code to the first person on the list given at the bottom of this letter. Then delete their name and add yours to the bottom of the list. @@ -16668,14 +13427,11 @@ Female rabbits: FENDERBERG: The large glacial deposits that form on the insides of car fenders during snowstorms. - -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends + -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets" % Ferguson's Precept: A crisis is when you can't say "let's forget the whole thing." % -Fertility is hereditary. If your parents -didn't have any children, neither will you. -% Fess: Well, you must admit there is something innately humorous about a man chasing an invention of his own halfway across the galaxy. Rod: Oh yeah, it's a million yuks, sure. But after all, isn't that the @@ -16696,11 +13452,6 @@ Drink and the devil had done for the rest, Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of rum! -- Stevenson, "Treasure Island" % -Fifth Law of Applied Terror: - If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book. -Corollary: - If you are given a take-home exam, you will forget where you live. -% File cabinet: A four drawer, manually activated trash compactor. % @@ -16710,9 +13461,6 @@ filibuster, n: Fill what's empty, empty what's full, scratch where it itches. -- Alice Roosevelt Longworth % -Finagle's Creed: - Science is true. Don't be misled by facts. -% Finagle's Eighth Law: If an experiment works, something has gone wrong. @@ -16747,15 +13495,6 @@ Finagle's Sixth Law: Finagle's Seventh Law: The perversity of the universe tends toward a maximum. % -Finagle's Third Law: - In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct, - beyond all need of checking, is the mistake. - -Corollaries: - 1. Nobody whom you ask for help will see it. - 2. The first person who stops by, whose advice you really - don't want to hear, will see it immediately. -% Finality is death. Perfection is finality. Nothing is perfect. @@ -16764,39 +13503,16 @@ There are lumps in it. Fine day for friends. So-so day for you. % -Fine day to throw a party. Throw him as far as you can. -% -Fine day to work off excess energy. Steal something heavy. -% Finster's Law: A closed mouth gathers no feet. % -First Law of Bicycling: - No matter which way you ride, it's uphill and against the wind. -% First law of debate: Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference. % -First Law of Procrastination: - Procrastination shortens the job and places the responsibility - for its termination on someone else (i.e., the authority who - imposed the deadline). - -Fifth Law of Procrastination: - Procrastination avoids boredom; one never has the feeling that - there is nothing important to do. -% -First Law of Socio-Genetics: - Celibacy is not hereditary. -% First love is only a little foolishness and a lot of curiosity, no really self-respecting woman would take advantage of it. -- George Bernard Shaw, "John Bull's Other Island" % -First Rule of History: - History doesn't repeat itself -- - historians merely repeat each other. -% First rule of public speaking. First, tell 'em what you're goin' to tell 'em; then tell 'em; @@ -16824,7 +13540,7 @@ telephone booth, and -- you guessed it -- another imprisoned wombat. and after questioning, released him to be charged on summons. Their problem ... they cannot find a law against placing wombats in telephone booths. - -- "Newcastle Morning Herald", NSW Australia, Aug 1980. + -- "Newcastle Morning Herald", NSW Australia, Aug 1980 % "First World" nations are the ones where people drive Japanese cars; "Second World" nations are where First World residents go on vacation; @@ -16842,9 +13558,6 @@ Fishing, with me, has always been an excuse to drink in the daytime. Five bicycles make a volkswagen, seven make a truck. -- Adolfo Guzman % -Five is a sufficiently close approximation to infinity. - -- Robert Firth -% Five names that I can hardly stand to hear, Including yours and mine and one more chimp who isn't here, I can see the ladies talking how the times is gettin' hard, @@ -16889,11 +13602,7 @@ Flame on! % FLANNISTER: The plastic yoke that holds a six-pack of beer together. - -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends -% -FLASH! -Intelligence of mankind decreasing. -Details at ... uh, when the little hand is on the .... + -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets" % Flattery is like cologne -- to be smelled, but not swallowed. -- Josh Billings @@ -16905,38 +13614,11 @@ Flee at once, all is discovered. Flirting is the gentle art of making a man feel pleased with himself. -- Helen Rowland % -Flon's Law: - There is not now, and never will be, a language in - which it is the least bit difficult to write bad programs. -% -flowchart, n. & v. - [From flow "to ripple down in rich profusion, as hair" + chart - "a cryptic hidden-treasure map designed to mislead the uninitiated."] - 1. n. The solution, if any, to a class of Mascheroni - construction problems in which given algorithms require geometrical - representation using only the 35 basic ideograms of the ANSI - template. 2. n. Neronic doodling while the system burns. - 3. n. A low-cost substitute for wallpaper. 4. n. The innumerate - misleading the illiterate. "A thousand pictures is worth ten lines - of code." --The Programmer's Little Red Vade Mecum, Mao Tse T'umps. - 5. v.intrans. To produce flowcharts with no particular object in mind. - 6. v.trans. To obfuscate (a problem) with esoteric cartoons. - -- S. Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary" -% -Flugg's Law: - When you need to knock on wood is when you realize - that the world is composed of vinyl, naugahyde and aluminum. -% Fly me away to the bright side of the moon ... % Flying is the second greatest feeling you can have. The greatest feeling? Landing... Landing is the greatest feeling you can have. % -Fog Lamps, n: - Excessively (often obnoxiously) bright lamps mounted on the fronts - of automobiles; used on dry, clear nights to indicate that the - driver's brain is in a fog. See also "Idiot Lights". -% "Follow me around. I don't care. I'm serious. If anybody wants to put a tail on me, go ahead. They'd be very bored." -- Gary Hart, announcing his presidential candidacy, @@ -16960,7 +13642,7 @@ Football is a game designed to keep coalminers off the streets. For a holy stint, a moth of the cloth gave up his woolens for lint. % For a light heart lives long. - -- Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost" + -- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost" % For adult education nothing beats children. % @@ -16973,9 +13655,6 @@ prejudice, to fear, to miracle, to slavery, to the unknown, and to misery hereafter. The few have said "Think". The many have said "Believe!" -- Robert Ingersoll, "Gods" % -For an idea to be fashionable is ominous, -since it must afterwards be always old-fashioned. -% For certain people, after fifty, litigation takes the place of sex. -- Gore Vidal % @@ -16991,12 +13670,9 @@ For every bloke who makes his mark, there's half a dozen waiting to rub it out. -- Andy Capp % -For every credibility gap, there is a gullibility fill. - -- R. Clopton -% For every human problem, there is a neat, plain solution -- and it is always wrong. - -- H.L. Mencken + -- H. L. Mencken % For example, if \thinmskip = 3mu, this makes \thickmskip = 6mu. But if you also want to use \skip12 for horizontal glue, whether in math mode or @@ -17005,7 +13681,7 @@ that glue in math mode varies with the size only when it is an \mskip; when moving between an mskipand ordinary skip, the conversion factor 1mu=1pt is always used. The meaning of '\mskip\skip12' and '\baselineskip=\the\thickmskip' should be clear. - -- Donald Knuth, TeX 82 -- Comparison with TeX80 + -- Donald E. Knuth, TeX 82 -- Comparison with TeX80 % For fast-acting relief, try slowing down. % @@ -17077,21 +13753,10 @@ FOR SALE: Parachute. Used once. Never opened. Slightly Stained. % -For some reason a glaze passes over people's faces when you say -"Canada". Maybe we should invade South Dakota or something. - -- Sandra Gotlieb, wife of the Canadian ambassador to the U.S. -% -For some reason, this fortune reminds everyone of Marvin Zelkowitz. -% -For that matter, compare your pocket computer with the -massive jobs of a thousand years ago. Why not, then, the -last step of doing away with computers altogether?" - -- Jehan Shuman -% For the fashion of Minas Tirith was such that it was built on seven levels, each delved into a hill, and about each was set a wall, and in each wall was a gate. - -- J.R.R. Tolkien, "The Return of the King" + -- J. R. R. Tolkien, "The Return of the King" [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when referring to system overview.] @@ -17163,19 +13828,6 @@ swelling. Boil for three hours, pricking regularly all over. If bag not available, steam in greased basin covered by greaseproof paper and cloth for four to five hours. % -For those who like this sort of thing, this is the sort of thing they like. - -- Abraham Lincoln -% -For three days after death hair and fingernails -continue to grow, but phone calls taper off. - -- Johnny Carson -% -For years a secret shame destroyed my peace-- -I'd not read Eliot, Auden or MacNiece. -But now I think a thought that brings me hope: -Neither had Chaucer, Shakespeare, Milton, Pope. - -- Justin Richardson. -% Force has no place where there is need of skill. -- Herodotus % @@ -17197,16 +13849,12 @@ Forecast, n: % Forest fires cause Smokey Bears. % -Forgetfulness, n: - A gift of God bestowed upon debtors in compensation for - their destitution of conscience. -% Forgive and forget. -- Cervantes % Forgive him, for he believes that the customs of his tribe are the laws of nature! - -- G.B. Shaw + -- George Bernard Shaw % Forgive, O Lord, my little jokes on Thee And I'll forgive Thy great big one on me. @@ -17228,7 +13876,7 @@ FORTRAN is for pipe stress freaks and crystallography weenies. % FORTRAN is not a flower but a weed -- it is hardy, occasionally blooms, and grows in every computer. - -- A.J. Perlis + -- A. J. Perlis % FORTRAN is the language of Powerful Computers. -- Steven Feiner @@ -17449,7 +14097,7 @@ CARTABLANCA: trouble with the local French authorities who would really prefer wine and the occupying Germans who believe that only their beer is fit to be sold. Wacky events ensue until the gripping climax in - which the much-hated German beer distributer is drowned in a vat. + which the much-hated German beer distributor is drowned in a vat. % FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #11 @@ -17495,13 +14143,6 @@ THE ATOMIC GRANDMOTHER: and to power small electrical appliances. Maureen Stapleton gives a glowing performance. % -FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #6 - -RAZORBACK: Paul Harbride, 1984, 2 hours 25 min. - One of the great Australian films of the early 1980's, - and arguably the best movie ever made about a large, - man-eating hog. Some violence. With Gregory Harrison. -% FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #7 OUT OF "OUT OF AFRICA": @@ -17794,7 +14435,7 @@ Fortune's Exercising Truths: 5. No matter what anyone tells you, isometric exercises cannot be done quietly at your desk at work. People will suspect manic tendencies as you twitter around in your chair. -6. Next to burying bones, the thing a dog enjoys mosts is tripping joggers. +6. Next to burying bones, the thing a dog enjoys most is tripping joggers. 7. Locking four people in a tiny, cement-walled room so they can run around for an hour smashing a little rubber ball -- and each other -- with a hard racket should immediately be recognized for what it is: a form of insanity. @@ -17830,7 +14471,7 @@ poothtick comes out crean. FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #1 A guinea pig is not from Guinea but a rodent from South America. A firefly is not a fly, but a beetle. - A giant panda bear is really a member of the racoon family. + A giant panda bear is really a member of the raccoon family. A black panther is really a leopard that has a solid black coat rather than a spotted one. Peanuts are not really nuts. The majority of nuts grow on trees @@ -17844,7 +14485,7 @@ Ruth, but after the oldest daughter of President Grover Cleveland. % FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #37 Can you name the seven seas? - Antartic, Artic, North Atlantic, South Atlantic, Indian, + Antarctic, Arctic, North Atlantic, South Atlantic, Indian, North Pacific, South Pacific. Can you name the seven dwarfs from Snow White? Doc, Dopey, Sneezy, Happy, Grumpy, Sleepy and Bashful. @@ -17969,29 +14610,6 @@ of some of Roosevelt's policies... directly traceable to the ... it is possible that we simply do Professor Mitchell is a not understand the Russian viewpoint... communist. % -Fortune's nomination for All-Time Champion and Protector of Youthful Morals -goes to Representative Clare E. Hoffman of Michigan. During an impassioned -House debate over a proposed bill to "expand oyster and clam research," a -sharp-eared informant transcribed the following exchange between our hero -and Rep. John D. Dingell, also of Michigan. - -Dingell: "There are places in the world at the present time where we are - having to artificially propagate oysters and clams." -Hoffman: "You mean the oysters I buy are not nature's oysters?" -Dingell: "They may or may not be natural. The simple fact of the matter is - that female oysters through their living habits cast out large - amounts of seed and the male oysters cast out large amounts of - fertilization." -Hoffman: "Wait a minute! I do not want to go into that. There are many - teenagers who read The Congressional Record." -% -FORTUNE'S PARTY TIPS: #14 - - Tired of finding that other people are helping themselves to -your good liquor at BYOB parties? Take along a candle, which you insert -and light after you've opened the bottle. No one ever expects anything -drinkable to be in a bottle which has a candle stuck in its neck. -% Fortune's Rules for Memo Wars: #2 Given the incredible advances in sociocybernetics and telepsychology over @@ -18047,20 +14665,7 @@ Yes, damn thing wouldn't keep still, kept mucking about, 'owling... Fourteen years in the professor dodge has taught me that one can argue ingeniously on behalf of any theory, applied to any piece of literature. This is rarely harmful, because normally no-one reads such essays. - -- Robert Parker, quoted in "Murder Ink", ed. D. Wynn -% -Fourth Law of Applied Terror: - The night before the English History mid-term, your Biology - instructor will assign 200 pages on planaria. - -Corollary: - Every instructor assumes that you have nothing else to do except - study for that instructor's course. -% -Fourth Law of Revision: - It is usually impractical to worry beforehand about - interferences -- if you have none, someone will make one - for you. + -- Robert Parker, quoted in "Murder Ink", ed. D. Wynn % Frankly, Scarlett, I don't have a fix. -- Rhett Buggler @@ -18068,8 +14673,8 @@ Frankly, Scarlett, I don't have a fix. Fraud is the homage that force pays to reason. -- Charles Curtis, "A Commonplace Book" % -Free Speech Is The Right To Shout 'Theater' In A Crowded Fire. - -- A Yippie Proverb +Free Speech Is The Right To Shout "Theater" In A Crowded Fire. + -- A Yippie proverb % Freedom begins when you tell Mrs. Grundy to go fly a kite. % @@ -18090,9 +14695,6 @@ Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose. % Fremen add life to spice! % -Fresco's Discovery: - If you knew what you were doing you'd probably be bored. -% Friction is a drag. % Fried's 1st Rule: @@ -18107,22 +14709,9 @@ Friends, n: People who know you well, but like you anyway. % -Friends, Romans, Hipsters, -Let me clue you in; -I come to put down Caeser, not to groove him. -The square kicks some cats are on stay with them; -The hip bits, like, go down under; so let it lay with Caeser. -The cool Brutus gave you the message: Caeser had big eyes; -If that's the sound, someone's copping a plea, -And, like, old Caeser really set them straight. -Here, copacetic with Brutus and the studs, -- for Brutus is a - real cool cat; -So are they all, all cool cats, -- -Come I to make this gig at Caeser's laying down. -% Friendships last when each friend thinks he has a slight superiority over the other. - -- Honore DeBalzac + -- Honore de Balzac % Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck. @@ -18154,10 +14743,6 @@ Your butt is on the menu And the check is in the mail. -- The Piranha Club Anthem, to the tune of "De Camptown Races" % -From the moment I picked your book up until I put it down I was -convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it. - -- Groucho Marx -% From the pages of Open Systems Today - October 13, 1994 .......... "The International Standards Organization (ISO) and the @@ -18168,23 +14753,6 @@ From the pages of Open Systems Today - October 13, 1994 .......... Day on October 11; Finland celebrated on October 13; and Italy celebrated on October 18." % -From too much love of living, -From hope and fear set free, -We thank with brief thanksgiving, -Whatever gods may be, -That no life lives forever, -That dead men rise up never, -That even the weariest river winds somewhere safe to sea. - -- Swinburne -% -F.S. Fitzgerald to Hemingway: - "Ernest, the rich are different from us." -Hemingway: - "Yes. They have more money." -% -Fudd's First Law of Opposition: - Push something hard enough and it will fall over. -% Fun experiments: Get a can of shaving cream, throw it in a freezer for about a week. Then take it out, peel the metal off and put it where you want... @@ -18207,26 +14775,13 @@ Fundamentally, there may be no basis for anything. FURBLING: Having to wander through a maze of ropes at an airport or bank even when you are the only person in line. - -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends -% -furbling, v: - Having to wander through a maze of ropes at an airport or bank - even when you are the only person in line. - -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" -% -Furious activity is no substitute for understanding. - -- H. H. Williams -% -Furious activity is no substitute for understanding. - -- H.H. Williams + -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets" % Furthermore, if we send something by car, it's a shipment... but if we send it by ship, it's cargo. % -Future looks spotty. You will spill soup in late evening. -% Future will arrive by its own means. Progress not so. - -- Poul Henningsen [1894-1967] + -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967) % Gaiety is the most outstanding feature of the Soviet Union. -- Joseph Stalin @@ -18235,62 +14790,19 @@ Galbraith's Law of Human Nature: Faced with the choice between changing one's mind and proving that there is no need to do so, almost everybody gets busy on the proof. % -Garbage In - Gospel Out. -% -Gauls! We have nothing to fear; except perhaps that the sky may fall on -our heads tomorrow. But as we all know, tomorrow never comes!! - -- Adventures of Asterix -% -Gay shlafen: Yiddish for "go to sleep". - -Now doesn't "gay shlafen" have a softer, more soothing sound than the -harsh, staccato "go to sleep"? Listen to the difference: - "Go to sleep, you little wretch!" ... "Gay shlafen, darling." -Obvious, isn't it? - Clearly the best thing you can do for you children is to start -speaking Yiddish right now and never speak another word of English as -long as you live. This will, of course, entail teaching Yiddish to all -your friends, business associates, the people at the supermarket, and -so on, but that's just the point. It has to start with committed -individuals and then grow.... - Some minor adjustments will have to be made, of course: those -signs written in what look like Yiddish letters won't be funny when -everything is written in Yiddish. And we'll have to start driving on -the left side of the road so we won't be reading the street signs -backwards. But is that too high a price to pay for world peace? -I think not, my friend, I think not. - -- Arthur Naiman -% GEMINI (May 21 - June 20) A day to take the initiative. Put the garbage out, for instance, and pick up the stuff at the dry cleaners. Watch the mail carefully, although there won't be anything good in it today, either. % -GEMINI (May 21 to Jun. 20) - Good news and bad news highlighted. Enjoy the good news while you - can; the bad news will make you forget it. You will enjoy praise - and respect from those around you; everybody loves a sucker. A short - trip is in the stars, possibly to the men's room. -% -GENDERPLEX: - The predicament of a person in a restaurant who is unable to - determine his or her designated restroom (e.g. turtles and tortoises). - -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends -% -genderplex, n: - The predicament of a person in a restaurant who is unable to - determine his or her designated restroom (e.g., turtles and - tortoises). - -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" -% GENEALOGY: An account of one's descent from an ancestor who did not particularly care to trace his own. -- Ambrose Bierce % General notions are generally wrong. - -- Lady M.W. Montagu + -- Lady M. W. Montagu % Generally speaking, the Way of the warrior is resolute acceptance of death. -- Miyamoto Musashi, 1645 @@ -18299,9 +14811,6 @@ Generic Fortune. % Generosity and perfection are your everlasting goals. % -Genetics explains why you look like your father, -and if you don't, why you should. -% GENIUS: A chemist who discovers a laundry additive that rhymes with bright. % @@ -18323,13 +14832,6 @@ Genius is ten percent inspiration and fifty percent capital gains. % Genius is the talent of a person who is dead. % -Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped. - -- Elbert Hubbard -% -genius, n: - A chemist who discovers a laundry additive that rhymes with - "bright". -% genlock, n: Why he stays in the bottle. % @@ -18345,7 +14847,7 @@ Each item and every farthing has been accounted for, with two regrettable exceptions for which I beg your indulgence. Unfortunately the sum of one shilling and ninepence remains unaccounted for in one infantry battalion's petty cash and there has been a hideous -confusion as the the number of jars of raspberry jam issued to one cavalry +confusion as to the number of jars of raspberry jam issued to one cavalry regiment during a sandstorm in western Spain. This reprehensible carelessness may be related to the pressure of circumstance, since we are war with France, a fact which may come as a bit of a surprise to you gentlemen in Whitehall. @@ -18371,12 +14873,6 @@ Churchill wrote back, returning the two tickets and excused himself as he had a previous engagement. He also attached the following: "Please send me two tickets for the next night, if there is one." % -George Orwell was an optimist. -% -George Washington was first in war, first in peace -- and the first to -have his birthday juggled to make a long weekend. - -- Ashley Cooper -% George's friend Sam had a dog who could recite the Gettysburg Address. "Let me buy him from you," pleaded George after a demonstration. "Okay," agreed Sam. "All he knows is that Lincoln speech anyway." @@ -18395,15 +14891,6 @@ gonna get on Labor Day." one man ever understood me." He fell silent for a while and then added, "And he didn't understand me." % -Gerrold's Laws of Infernal Dynamics: - 1) An object in motion will always be headed in the wrong direction. - 2) An object at rest will always be in the wrong place. - 3) The energy required to change either one of these states - will always be more than you wish to expend, but never so - much as to make the task totally impossible. -% -Get forgiveness now -- tomorrow you may no longer feel guilty. -% Get GUMMed ---------- @@ -18426,7 +14913,7 @@ Get in touch with your feelings of hostility against the dying light. -- Dylan Thomas % Getting into trouble is easy. - -- D. Winkel and F. Prosser + -- D. Winker and F. Prosser % Getting kicked out of the American Bar Association is liked getting kicked out of the Book-of-the-Month Club. @@ -18478,21 +14965,6 @@ in Mordor where the shadows are. % Ginger Snap % -Ginsberg's Theorem: - 1. You can't win. - 2. You can't break even. - 3. You can't even quit the game. - -Freeman's Commentary on Ginsberg's theorem: - - Every major philosophy that attempts to make life seem - meaningful is based on the negation of one part of Ginsberg's - Theorem. To wit: - - 1. Capitalism is based on the assumption that you can win. - 2. Socialism is based on the assumption that you can break even. - 3. Mysticism is based on the assumption that you can quit the game. -% Ginsburg's Law: At the precise moment you take off your shoe in a shoe store, your big toe will pop out of your sock to see what's going on. @@ -18506,7 +14978,7 @@ Teach a man to fish, and he'll invite himself over for dinner. Give a small boy a hammer and he will find that everything he encounters needs pounding. % -Give a woman an inch and she'll park a car in it. +Give a woman an inch and she'll park a car in it. % Give all orders verbally. Never write anything down that might go into a "Pearl Harbor File". @@ -18516,9 +14988,6 @@ Give him an evasive answer. Give me a fish and I will eat today. Teach me to fish and I will eat forever. % -Give me a Plumber's friend the size of the Pittsburgh -dome, and a place to stand, and I will drain the world. -% Give me a sleeping pill and tell me your troubles. % Give me chastity and continence, but not just now. @@ -18544,8 +15013,6 @@ Consider changing your name and moving to a new town. % GIVE UP!!!! % -Give your child mental blocks for Christmas. -% Give your very best today. Heaven knows it's little enough. % @@ -18561,27 +15028,13 @@ Given my druthers, I'd druther not. Given sufficient time, what you put off doing today will get done by itself. % -Given the choice between accomplishing something and just lying around, I'd -rather lie around. No contest. - -- Eric Clapton -% Giving money and power to governments is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys. -- P. J. O'Rourke % -Giving up on assembly language was the apple in our Garden of Eden: Languages -whose use squanders machine cycles are sinful. The LISP machine now permits -LISP programmers to abandon bra and fig-leaf. - -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 -% GLEEMITES: Petrified deposits of toothpaste found in sinks. - -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends -% -Glib's Fourth Law of Unreliability: - Investment in reliability will increase until it exceeds the - probable cost of errors, or until someone insists on getting - some useful work done. + -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets" % Gloffing is a state of mine. % @@ -18613,19 +15066,17 @@ Go ahead, make my day. -- Harry Callahan % Go away, I'm all right. - -- H.G. Wells' last words. + -- H. G. Wells' last words % Go away! Stop bothering me with all your "compute this ... compute that"! I'm taking a VAX-NAP. logout % -Go climb a gravity well. -% Go directly to jail. Do not pass Go, do not collect $200. % Go not to the elves for counsel, for they will say both yes and no. - -- J.R.R. Tolkien + -- J. R. R. Tolkien % Go out and tell a lie that will make the whole family proud of you. -- Cadmus, to Pentheus, in "The Bacchae" by Euripides @@ -18652,8 +15103,6 @@ on any other foundation than religious principle, nor any government be secure which is not supported by moral habits. -- Daniel Webster % -Go 'way! You're bothering me! -% Goals... Plans... they're fantasies, they're part of a dream world... -- Wally Shawn % @@ -18667,7 +15116,7 @@ God created woman. And boredom did indeed cease from that moment -- but many other things ceased as well. Woman was God's second mistake. - -- Nietzsche + -- Friedrich Nietzsche % God did not create the world in 7 days; He screwed around for 6 days and then pulled an all-nighter. @@ -18684,20 +15133,9 @@ saying; I can't find it anywhere. I'm sure he's telling the truth though; why would he lie about a thing like that? -- Arthur Naiman % -God gives us relatives; thank goodness we can chose our friends. -% God grant us the serenity to accept the things we cannot change, courage to change the things we can, and wisdom to know the difference. % -God has intended the great to be great and the little to be little... -The trade unions, under the European system, destroy liberty [...] I do -not mean to say that a dollar a day is enough to support a workingman... -not enough to support a man and five children if he insists on smoking -and drinking beer. But the man who cannot live on bread and water is -not fit to live! A family may live on good bread and water in the -morning, water and bread at midday, and good bread and water at night! - -- Rev. Henry Ward Beecher -% God help the troubadour who tries to be a star. The more that you try to find success, the more that you will fail. -- Phil Ochs, on the Second System Effect @@ -18706,7 +15144,7 @@ God help those who do not help themselves. -- Wilson Mizner % God helps them that helps themselves. - -- B. Franklin + -- Benjamin Franklin % God, I ask for patience -- and I want it right now! % @@ -18714,17 +15152,6 @@ God instructs the heart, not by ideas, but by pains and contradictions. -- De Caussade % -God is a comic playing to an audience that's afraid to laugh. -% -God is a polytheist. -% -God is Dead. - -- Nietzsche -Nietzsche is Dead. - -- God -Nietzsche is God. - -- Dead -% God is dead and I don't feel all too well either.... -- Ralph Moonen % @@ -18734,39 +15161,13 @@ God is love, but get it in writing. God is not dead. He is alive and well and working on a much less ambitious project. % -God is not dead! He's alive and autographing Bibles at Cody's! -% -God is real, unless declared integer. -% -God is really only another artist. He invented the giraffe, the -elephant and the cat. He has no real style, He just goes on trying -other things. - -- Pablo Picasso -% -God is the tangential point between zero and infinity. - -- Alfred Jarry -% God isn't dead. He just doesn't want to get involved. % -God isn't dead, he just couldn't find a parking place. -% God made everything out of nothing, but the nothingness shows through. -- Paul Valery % -God made machine language; all the rest is the work of man. -% -God made the integers; all else is the work of Man. - -- Kronecker -% -God made the world in six days, and was arrested on the seventh. -% -God may be subtle, but he isn't plain mean. - -- Albert Einstein -% God must have loved calories, she made so many of them. % -God must love the common man; He made so many of them. -% God rest ye CS students now, The bearings on the drum are gone, Let nothing you dismay. The disk is wobbling, too. The VAX is down and won't be up, We've found a bug in Lisp, and Algol @@ -18814,20 +15215,6 @@ Goda's Truism: % Going the speed of light is bad for your age. % -Going to church does not make a person religious, nor does going to school -make a person educated, any more than going to a garage makes a person a car. -% -Gold, n: - A soft malleable metal relatively scarce in distribution. It - is mined deep in the earth by poor men who then give it to rich - men who immediately bury it back in the earth in great prisons, - although gold hasn't done anything to them. - -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" -% -Goldenstern's Rules: - 1. Always hire a rich attorney. - 2. Never buy from a rich salesman. -% Goldfish... what stupid animals. Even Wayne Cody stops eating before he bursts. % @@ -18861,26 +15248,14 @@ Diary of a Young Girl LITE(tm) % Good advice is one of those insults that ought to be forgiven. % -Good advice is something a man gives -when he is too old to set a bad example. - -- La Rouchefoucauld -% -Good day for a change of scene. Repaper the bedroom wall. -% Good day for business affairs. Make a pass at that the new file clerk. % -Good day for overcoming obstacles. Try a steeplechase. -% -Good day to avoid cops. Crawl to school. -% Good day to avoid cops. Crawl to work. % Good day to deal with people in high places; particularly lonely stewardesses. % -Good day to let down old friends who need help. -% Good evening, gentlemen. I am a HAL 9000 computer. I became operational at the HAL plant in Urbana, Illinois, on January 11th, nineteen hundred ninety-five. My supervisor was Mr. Langley, and he taught me to sing a @@ -18902,37 +15277,22 @@ Good judgement comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgement. -- Jim Horning % -Good leaders being scarce, following yourself is allowed. -% Good morning. This is the telephone company. Due to repairs, we're giving you advance notice that your service will be cut off indefinitely at ten o'clock. That's two minutes from now. % -Good news. Ten weeks from Friday will be a pretty good day. -% Good news from afar can bring you a welcome visitor. % -Good news is just life's way of keeping you off balance. -% Good night, Austin, Texas, wherever you are! % Good night, Mrs. Calabash, wherever you are. % -Good night to spend with family, but avoid arguments with your mate's -new lover. -% -Good night to spend with family, -but avoid arguments with your mate's new lover. -% Good salesmen and good repairmen will never go hungry. - -- R.E. Schenk + -- R. E. Schenk % Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths good theatre. -- Gail Godwin % -Good-bye. I am leaving because I am bored. - -- George Saunders' dying words -% Goodbye, cool world. % Gordon's Law: @@ -18942,8 +15302,6 @@ gossip, n: Hearing something you like about someone you don't. -- Earl Wilson % -//GO.SYSIN DD *, DOODAH, DOODAH -% Got a complaint about the Internal Revenue Service? Call the convenient toll-free "IRS Taxpayer Complaint Hot Line Number": @@ -18972,9 +15330,6 @@ Don't make no difference what nobody says, Ain't nobody likes to be alone. -- Bruce Springsteen, "Hungry Heart" % -Got Mole problems? -Call Avogadro at 6.02 x 10^23. -% Gourmet, n: Anyone whom, when you fail to finish something strange or revolting, remarks that it's an acquired taste and that you're @@ -18988,11 +15343,6 @@ more about this thing than an economist does, and, God knows, he doesn't know much. -- The Best of Will Rogers % -Government spending? I don't know what it's all about. I don't know -any more about this thing than an economist does, and, God knows, he -doesn't know much. - -- Will Rogers -% Government's Law: There is an exception to all laws. % @@ -19001,11 +15351,6 @@ leash. I thought I recognized your foul stench when I was brought on board. -- Princess Leia Organa % -Grabel's Law: - 2 is not equal to 3 -- not even for large values of 2. -% -Graduate life -- it's not just a job, it's an indenture. -% Graduate students and most professors are no smarter than undergrads. They're just older. % @@ -19042,15 +15387,6 @@ GRAVITY: % Gravity brings me down. % -Gravity is a myth, the Earth sucks. -% -Gray's Law of Programming: - 'n+1' trivial tasks are expected to be - accomplished in the same time as 'n' tasks. - -Logg's Rebuttal to Gray's Law: - 'n+1' trivial tasks take twice as long as 'n' trivial tasks. -% Great acts are made up of small deeds. -- Lao Tsu % @@ -19064,7 +15400,7 @@ place of residence. % GREAT MOMENTS IN HISTORY (#7): April 2, 1751 -Issac Newton becomes discouraged when he falls up a flight of stairs. +Isaac Newton becomes discouraged when he falls up a flight of stairs. % GREAT MOMENTS IN HISTORY (#7): November 23, 1915 @@ -19079,16 +15415,9 @@ also laughed at Bozo the Clown. % Greatness is a transitory experience. It is never consistent. % -Green light in A.M. for new projects. -Red light in P.M. for traffic tickets. -% Green's Law of Debate: Anything is possible if you don't know what you're talking about. % -Grelb's Reminder: - Eighty percent of all people consider - themselves to be above average drivers. -% grep me no patterns and I'll tell you no lines. % Grief can take care of itself; but to get the full @@ -19141,9 +15470,6 @@ combining all these themes: it ends with its adolescent hero conquering the universe while straddling a giant worm. -- Arnold Klein % -Grub first, then ethics. - -- Bertolt Brecht -% GUILLOTINE: A French chopping center. % @@ -19162,13 +15488,7 @@ Gunter's Airborne Discoveries: GURMLISH: The red warning flag at the top of a club sandwich which prevents the person from biting into it and puncturing the roof of his mouth. - -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends -% -gurmlish, n.: - The red warning flag at the top of a club sandwich which - prevents the person from biting into it and puncturing the roof - of his mouth. - -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" + -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets" % GURU: A person in T-shirt and sandals who took an elevator ride with @@ -19178,21 +15498,19 @@ GURU: guru, n: A computer owner who can read the manual. % -gy-ro-scope: - A wheel or disk mounted to spin rapidly about an axis and also - free to rotate about one or both of two axes perpendicular to - each other and the axis of spin so that a rotation of one of the - two mutually perpendicular axes results from application of - torque to the other when the wheel is spinning and so that the - entire apparatus offers considerable opposition depending on - the angular momentum to any torque that would change the direction - of the axis of spin. - -- Webster's Seventh New Collegiate Dictionary +H. L. Mencken's Law: + Those who can -- do. + Those who can't -- teach. + +Martin's Extension: + Those who cannot teach -- administrate. + + [No, those who can't teach, teach here. Ed.] % hacker, n: Originally, any person with a knack for coercing stubborn inanimate things; hence, a person with a happy knack, later contracted by the mythical -philosopher Frisbee Frobenius to the common usage, 'hack'. +philosopher Frisbee Frobenius to the common usage, "hack". In olden times, upon completion of some particularly atrocious body of coding that happened to work well, culpable programmers would gather in a small circle around a first edition of Knuth's Best Volume I by candlelight, @@ -19211,8 +15529,8 @@ Hackers are just a migratory lifeform with a tropism for computers. % Hacker's Guide To Cooking: 2 pkg. cream cheese (the mushy white stuff in silver wrappings that doesn't - really come from Philadelphia after all; anyway, about 16 oz.) -1 tsp. vanilla extract (which is more alcohol than vanilla and pretty + really come from Philadelphia after all; anyway, about 16 oz.) +1 tsp. vanilla extract (which is more alcohol than vanilla and pretty strong so this part you *GOTTA* measure) 1/4 cup sugar (but honey works fine too) 8 oz. Cool Whip (the fluffy stuff devoid of nutritional value that you @@ -19224,21 +15542,13 @@ Hacker's Guide To Cooking: beater if you have a cat(1) that can climb wall(1s) to lick it off the ceiling(3m). "Pour into a graham cracker crust..." Aha, the BUGS section at last. You - just happened to have a GCC sitting around under /etc/food, right? + just happened to have a GCC sitting around under /etc/food, right? If not, don't panic(8), merely crumble a rand(3m) handful of innocent GCs into a suitable tempfile and mix in some melted butter. -"...and refrigerate for an hour." Leave the recipe's stdout in a fridge +"...and refrigerate for an hour." Leave the recipe's stdout in a fridge for 3.6E6 milliseconds while you work on cleaning up stderr, and by time out your cheesecake will be ready for stdin. % -Hacker's Law: - The belief that enhanced understanding will necessarily stir - a nation to action is one of mankind's oldest illusions. -% -Hacker's Law: - The belief that enhanced understanding will necessarily stir a - nation to action is one of mankind's oldest illusions. -% Hackers of the world, unite! % Hacker's Quicky #313: @@ -19246,8 +15556,6 @@ Hacker's Quicky #313: Microwave Egg Roll Chocolate Milk % -Hacking's just another word for nothing left to kludge. -% "Had he and I but met By some old ancient inn, But ranged as infantry, We should have sat us down to wet And staring face to face, @@ -19271,19 +15579,12 @@ useful hints for the better ordering of the universe. [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when referring to operating system initialization.] % -Had this been an actual emergency, we would have -fled in terror, and you would not have been informed. -% Hail to the sun god He's such a fun god -Ra! Ra! Ra! +Ra! Ra! Ra! % Hailing frequencies open, Captain. % -Hain't we got all the fools in town on our side? And hain't that -a big enough majority in any town? - -- Mark Twain, "Huckleberry Finn" -% Hale Mail Rule, The: When you are ready to reply to a letter, you will lack at least one of the following: @@ -19297,42 +15598,13 @@ But half the bee has got to be, vis-a-vis its entity. See? But can a bee be said to be or not to be an entire bee, When half the bee is not a bee, due to some ancient injury? % -Half Moon tonight. (At least its better than no Moon at all.) -% Half of being smart is knowing what you're dumb at. % Half the world is composed of people who have something to say and can't, and the other half who have nothing to say and keep on saying it. % -half-done, n: - This is the best way to eat a kosher dill -- when it's still crunchy, - light green, yet full of garlic flavor. The difference between this - and the typical soggy dark green cucumber corpse is like the - difference between life and death. - - You may find it difficult to find a good half-done kosher dill there - in Seattle, so what you should do is take a cab out to the airport, - fly to New York, take the JFK Express to Jay Street-Borough Hall, - transfer to an uptown F, get off at East Broadway, walk north on - Essex (along the park), make your first left onto Hester Street, walk - about fifteen steps, turn ninety degrees left, and stop. Say to the - man, "Let me have a nice half-done." Worth the trouble, wasn't it? - -- Arthur Naiman -% Halley's Comet: It came, we saw, we drank. % -Hall's Laws of Politics: - (1) The voters want fewer taxes and more spending. - (2) Citizens want honest politicians until they want - something fixed. - (3) Constituency drives out consistency (i.e., liberals defend - military spending, and conservatives social spending in - their own districts). -% -hand, n: - A singular instrument worn at the end of a human - arm and commonly thrust into somebody's pocket. -% Handel's Proverb: You can't produce a baby in one month by impregnating 9 women! % @@ -19347,18 +15619,6 @@ Hanging on in quiet desperation is the English way. hangover, n: The wrath of grapes. % -Hanlon's Razor: - Never attribute to malice - that which is adequately explained by stupidity. -% -Hanson's Treatment of Time: - There are never enough hours in a day, - but always too many days before Saturday. -% -Hanson's Treatment of Time: - There are never enough hours in a day, but always too many days - before Saturday. -% Happiness adds and multiplies as we divide it with others. % happiness, adv: @@ -19375,9 +15635,6 @@ Happiness is a positive cash flow. Happiness is good health and a bad memory. -- Ingrid Bergman % -Happiness is having a scratch for every itch. - -- Ogden Nash -% Happiness is just an illusion, filled with sadness and confusion. % Happiness is the greatest good. @@ -19386,9 +15643,6 @@ Happiness is twin floppies. % Happiness isn't having what you want, it's wanting what you have. % -Happiness isn't something you experience; it's something you remember. - -- Oscar Levant -% Happiness makes up in height what it lacks in length. % Happy feast of the pig! @@ -19407,9 +15661,6 @@ Hard work may not kill you, but why take the chance? Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance? -- Charlie McCarthy % -Hardware: - The parts of a computer system that can be kicked. -% Hardware met Software on the road to Changtse. Software said: "You are Yin and I am Yang. If we travel together we will become famous and earn vast sums of money." And so the set forth together, thinking to conquer the world. @@ -19420,20 +15671,12 @@ not seek fame, therefore nobody knows its presence. It does not seek fortune, for it is complete within itself. It exists beyond space and time." Software and Hardware, ashamed, returned to their homes. % -hardware, n: - The parts of a computer system that can be kicked. -% -Hark, Hark, the dogs do bark -The Duke is fond of kittens -He likes to take their insides out -And use them for his mittens - -- The Thirteen Clocks -% Hark, the Herald Tribune sings, Advertising wondrous things. Angels we have heard on High Tell us to go out and Buy. + -- Tom Lehrer % Harp not on that string. -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI" @@ -19463,16 +15706,9 @@ to the commonplace and practicable, "that there has been an earthquake." hadn't been carving that pie." -- Jerome K. Jerome, "Three Men In A Boat" % -Harrisberger's Fourth Law of the Lab: - Experience is directly proportional to the amount of - equipment ruined. -% Harrison's Postulate: For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism. % -Harris's Lament: - All the good ones are taken. -% Harry and Fred were playing their Sunday afternoon golf game. The game, as always, was close. They were at the treacherous 12th hole: a par three that required a perfect first shot over a large pond and onto a tiny green. There @@ -19505,28 +15741,16 @@ milk, rum and sugar and it's wonderful. The milk is for vitality and the sugar is for pep. They put in the rum so that people will know what to do with all that pep and vitality. % -Hartley's First Law: - You can lead a horse to water, but if you can - get him to float on his back, you've got something. -% Hartley's Second Law: Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself. -% -HARTLEY'S SECOND LAW: - Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself. My corollary: The completely psychotic have all the fun. % -Harvard Law: - Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure, - temperature, volume, humidity, and other variables, the - organism will do as it damn well pleases. -% HARVARD: Quarterback: Sophomore Dave Strewzinski... likes to pass. And pass he does, with -a record 86 attempts (three completions) in 87 plays.... Though Strewzinksi +a record 86 attempts (three completions) in 87 plays.... Though Strewzinski has so far failed to score any points for the Crimson, his jackrabbit speed has made him the least sacked quarterback in the Ivy league. Wide Receiver: @@ -19548,33 +15772,12 @@ coin toss. % Has anyone ever tasted an "end"? Are they really bitter? % -"Has anyone had problems with the computer accounts?" -"Yes; I don't have one." -"Okay, you can send mail to one of the tutors..." - -- E. D'Azevedo, CS, University of Washington -% -Has anyone realized that the purpose of the fortune cookie program is to -defuse project tensions? When did you ever see a cheerful cookie, a -non-cynical, or even an informative cookie? - Perhaps inadvertently, we have a channel for our aggressions. This -still begs the question of whether the cookie releases the pressure or only -serves to blunt the warning signs. - - Long live the revolution! - Have a nice day. -% -Has everyone noticed that all the letters of the word "database" are typed -with the left hand? Now the layout of the QWERTYUIOP typewriter keyboard -was designed, among other things, to facilitate the even use of both hands. -It follows, therefore, that writing about databases is not only unnatural, -but a lot harder than it appears. -% Has the great art and mystery of politics no apparent utility? Does it appear to be unqualifiedly ratty, raffish, sordid, obscene and low down, and its salient virtuosi a gang of unmitigated scoundrels? Then let us -not forget its high capacity to soothe and tickel the midriff, its +not forget its high capacity to soothe and tickle the midriff, its incomparable services as a maker of entertainment. - -- H.L. Mencken, "A Carnival of Buncombe" + -- H. L. Mencken, "A Carnival of Buncombe" % Haste makes waste. -- John Heywood @@ -19610,7 +15813,7 @@ somewhere else; this is not advice, it is merely custom. -- Mark Twain % Have a taco. - -- P.S. Beagle + -- P. S. Beagle % Have at you! % @@ -19637,17 +15840,10 @@ So here I am, Pickering, a confirmed old bachelor and very likely to remain so. -- Henry Higgins, "My Fair Lady" % -Have you ever noticed that the people who are always trying -to tell you `there's a time for work and a time for play' -never find the time for play? -% Have you flogged your kid today? % Have you locked your file cabinet? % -Have you noticed that all you need to grow healthy, -vigorous grass is a crack in your sidewalk? -% Have you seen the latest Japanese camera? Apparently it is so fast it can photograph an American with his mouth shut! % @@ -19693,7 +15889,7 @@ then takes off for warmer weather where she eats and eats and eats. For two months, the father stands stiff, without food, blind in the 24-hour dark, balancing the egg on his feet. After the little penguin is hatched, the mother sees fit to come home. - -- L.M. Boyd, "Austin American-Statesman" + -- L. M. Boyd, "Austin American-Statesman" % Having a wonderful wine, wish you were beer. % @@ -19735,11 +15931,11 @@ SHE: What?!? Science got enough trouble with their OWN brains. -- Walt Kelley % He asked me if I knew what time it was -- I said yes, but not right now. - -- S. Wright + -- Steven Wright % He didn't run for reelection. "Politics brings you into contact with all the people you'd give anything to avoid," he said. "I'm staying home." - -- Garrison Keillor, "Lake Wobegone Days" + -- Garrison Keillor, "Lake Wobegon Days" % He does it with a better grace, but I do it more natural. -- William Shakespeare, "Twelfth-Night" @@ -19750,18 +15946,6 @@ finer than the staple of his argument. % He gave her a look that you could have poured on a waffle. % -He had occasional flashes of silence that made his conversation -perfectly delightful. - -- Sydney Smith -% -He had that rare weird electricity about him -- that extremely wild -and heavy presence that you only see in a person who has abandoned -all hope of ever behaving "normally." - -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing '72" -% -He hadn't a single redeeming vice. - -- Oscar Wilde -% He has been known by many names; the Prince of Lies, the Director, Lucifer, Belial, and once, at a party, some obnoxious drunk kept calling him "Dude". -- Stig's Inferno @@ -19788,16 +15972,13 @@ He is no lawyer who cannot take two sides. He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others. -- Samuel Johnson % -He is now rising from affluence to poverty. - -- Mark Twain -% He is the best of men who dislikes power. -- Mohammed % He is truly wise who gains wisdom from another's mishap. % He jests at scars who never felt a wound. - -- Shakespeare, "Romeo and Juliet, II. 2" + -- William Shakespeare, "Romeo and Juliet, II. 2" % He keeps differentiating, flying off on a tangent. % @@ -19836,10 +16017,10 @@ had fallen to the ground. That my translation must be changed again. The spirit helps me. Now it is exact. I write: "In the beginning was the Act." - -- Goethe's Faust + -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe, "Faust" % [He] played the King as if afraid someone else might play the ace. - -- Unattributed review of a performance of King Lear. + -- Unattributed review of a performance of King Lear My tears stuck in their little ducts, refusing to be jerked. -- Peter Stack, movie review @@ -19847,21 +16028,18 @@ My tears stuck in their little ducts, refusing to be jerked. His performance is so wooden you want to spray him with Liquid Pledge. -- John Stark, movie review % -He played the king as if afraid someone else would play the ace. - -- John Mason Brown, drama critic -% He tells you when you've got on too much lipstick, And helps you with your girdle when your hips stick. - -- O. Nash, on the perfect husband + -- Ogden Nash, on the perfect husband % He that breaks a thing to find out what it is has left the path of wisdom. - -- J.R.R. Tolkien + -- J. R. R. Tolkien % He that bringeth a present, findeth the door open. - -- Scottish proverb. + -- Scottish proverb % He that composes himself is wiser than he that composes a book. - -- B. Franklin + -- Benjamin Franklin % He that is giddy thinks the world turns round. -- William Shakespeare, "The Taming of the Shrew" @@ -19876,13 +16054,6 @@ He thinks by infection, catching an opinion like a cold. He thinks the Gettysburg Address is where Lincoln lived. -- Wanda, "A Fish Called Wanda" % -He thought he saw an albatross -That fluttered 'round the lamp. -He looked again and saw it was -A penny postage stamp. -"You'd best be getting home," he said, -"The nights are rather damp." -% He thought of Musashi, the Sword Saint, standing in his garden more than three hundred years ago. "What is the 'Body of a rock'?" he was asked. In answer, Musashi summoned a pupil of his and bid him kill himself by @@ -19907,19 +16078,13 @@ He was part of my dream, of course -- but then I was part of his dream too. -- Lewis Carroll % -He was so narrow-minded he could see through a keyhole with both eyes. -% He was the sort of person whose personality would be greatly improved by a terminal illness. % He who always plows a straight furrow is in a rut. % -He who attacks the fundamentals of the American -broadcasting industry attacks democracy itself. - -- William S. Paley, chairman of CBS -% He who dares the wrong, acts right, that's how it happens! - -- Poul Henningsen [1894-1967] + -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967) % He who despairs over an event is a coward, but he who holds hopes for the human condition is a fool. @@ -19929,7 +16094,7 @@ He who despises himself nevertheless esteems himself as a self-despiser. -- Friedrich Nietzsche % He who enters his wife's dressing room is a philosopher or a fool. - -- Balzac + -- Honore de Balzac % He who fears the unknown may one day flee from his own backside. -- Sinbad @@ -20013,8 +16178,6 @@ He who laughs last probably doesn't understand the joke. % He who laughs last usually had to have joke explained. % -He who laughs, lasts. -% He who lives without folly is less wise than he believes. % He who loses, wins the race, @@ -20034,7 +16197,7 @@ He who slings mud generally loses ground. -- Adlai Stevenson % He who slings mud loses ground. - -- Chinese Proverb + -- Chinese proverb % He who spends a storm beneath a tree, takes life with a grain of TNT. % @@ -20044,7 +16207,7 @@ He who walks on burning coals is sure to get burned. -- Sinbad % He who wonders discovers that this in itself is wonder. - -- M.C. Escher + -- M. C. Escher % He who writes with no misspelled words has prevented a first suspicion on the limits of his scholarship or, in the social world, of his general @@ -20054,12 +16217,6 @@ education and culture. HEAD CRASH!! FILES LOST!! Details at 11. % -Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. -% -Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, -lying in hospitals dying of nothing. - -- Redd Foxx -% Hear about... the absent minded sculptor who put his model to bed and started chiseling on his wife? @@ -20090,6 +16247,9 @@ Hear about... Hear about the Californian terrorist that tried to blow up a bus? Burned his lips on the exhaust pipe. % +Hear about the young Chinese woman who just won the lottery? +One fortunate cookie... +% Hear me, my chiefs, I am tired; my heart is sick and sad. From where the sun now stands I Will Fight No More Forever. -- Chief Joseph of the Nez Perce @@ -20105,24 +16265,13 @@ on October 23rd, 4004 B.C. at nine o'clock in the morning. -- Dr. John Lightfoot, Vice-chancellor of Cambridge University % -heaven, n: - A place where the wicked cease from troubling you with talk of - their personal affairs, and the good listen with attention while - you expound your own. -% Heavier than air flying machines are impossible. -- Lord Kelvin, President, Royal Society, c. 1895 % -heavy, adj: - Seduced by the chocolate side of the force. -% Hedonist for hire... no job too easy! % Heisenberg may have been here. % -Hell hath no fury like a bureaucrat scorned. - -- Milton Friedman -% Hell hath no limits, nor is circumscribed in one self place, for where we are is Hell, and where Hell is there must we ever be. -- Christopher Marlowe, "Doctor Faustus" @@ -20131,21 +16280,11 @@ Hell, if you don't try to remake someone, how are they supposed to know you care? % Hell is empty and all the devils are here. - -- Wm. Shakespeare, "The Tempest" + -- William Shakespeare, "The Tempest" % hell, n: Truth seen too late. % -Heller's Law: - The first myth of management is that it exists. -% -Heller's Law: - The first myth of management is that it exists. - -Johnson's Corollary: - Nobody really knows what is going on anywhere within the - organization. -% Hello. Jim Rockford's machine, this is Larry Doheny's machine. Will you please have your master call my master at his convenience? Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. @@ -20161,27 +16300,15 @@ don't hear your girl screaming any more? You'll show the world; you'll tell them where to get off! You'll never give up, never give up, never give up -- that ship! % -"Hello," he lied. - -- Don Carpenter, quoting a Hollywood agent -% Hell's broken loose. -- Robert Greene % Help! I'm trapped in a Chinese computer factory! % -Help! I'm trapped in a PDP 11/70! -% HELP! Man trapped in a human body! % -HELP! MY TYPEWRITER IS BROKEN! - -- E. E. CUMMINGS -% -Help a swallow land at Capistrano. -% HELP!!!! I'm being held prisoner in /usr/games/lib! % -Help stamp out and abolish redundancy! -% Help stamp out Mickey-Mouse computer interfaces -- Menus are for Restaurants! % Hempstone's Question: @@ -20195,22 +16322,6 @@ them better, and whether helping, or reprimanding, or indulging them, without any power of engaging their respect. -- J. Austen % -Her locks an ancient lady gave -Her loving husband's life to save; -And men -- they honored so the dame -- -Upon some stars bestowed her name. - -But to our modern married fair, -Who'd give their lords to save their hair, -No stellar recognition's given. -There are not stars enough in heaven. -% -Here about the young Chinese woman who just won the lottery? -One fortunate cookie... -% -Here at the Phone Company, we serve all kinds of people; -from President's and Kings to the scum of the earth... -% Here comes the orator, with his flood of words and his drop of reason. % Here I am again right where I know I shouldn't be @@ -20224,67 +16335,9 @@ Here I am, fifty-eight, and I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up. -- Peter Drucker % -Here I sit, broken-hearted, -All logged in, but work unstarted. -First net.this and net.that, -And a hot buttered bun for net.fat. - -The boss comes by, and I play the game, -Then I turn back to net.flame. -Is there a cure (I need your views), -For someone trapped in net.news? - -I need your help, I say 'tween sobs, -'Cause I'll soon be listed in net.jobs. -% -Here in my heart, I am Helen; - I'm Aspasia and Hero, at least. -I'm Judith, and Jael, and Madame de Stael; - I'm Salome, moon of the East. - -Here in my soul I am Sappho; - Lady Hamilton am I, as well. -In me Recamier vies with Kitty O'Shea, - With Dido, and Eve, and poor Nell. - -I'm all of the glamorous ladies - At whose beckoning history shook. -But you are a man, and see only my pan, - So I stay at home with a book. - -- Dorothy Parker -% -Here is a simple experiment that will teach you an important electrical -lesson: On a cool, dry day, scuff your feet along a carpet, then reach your -hand into a friend's mouth and touch one of his dental fillings. Did you -notice how your friend twitched violently and cried out in pain? This -teaches us that electricity can be a very powerful force, but we must never -use it to hurt others unless we need to learn an important electrical lesson. - It also teaches us how an electrical circuit works. When you scuffed -your feet, you picked up batches of "electrons", which are very small objects -that carpet manufacturers weave into carpets so they will attract dirt. -The electrons travel through your bloodstream and collect in your finger, -where they form a spark that leaps to your friend's filling, then travels -down to his feet and back into the carpet, thus completing the circuit. - -- Dave Barry -% Here is a test to find whether your mission on earth is finished: if you're alive, it isn't. % -Here is the fact of the week, maybe even the fact of the month. According -to probably reliable sources, the Coca-Cola people are experiencing severe -marketing anxiety in China. - -The words "Coca-Cola" translate into Chinese as either (depending on the -inflection) "wax-fattened mare" or "bite the wax tadpole". - -Bite the wax tadpole. There is a sort of rough justice, is there not? - -The trouble with this fact, as lovely as it is, is that it's hard to get -a whole column out of it. I'd like to teach the world to bite a wax -tadpole. Coke -- it's the real wax-fattened mare. Not bad, but broad -satiric vistas do not open up. - -- John Carrol, San Francisco Chronicle -% HERE LIES LESTER MOORE SHOT 4 TIMES WITH A .44 NO LES @@ -20300,24 +16353,7 @@ Here there by tygers. HERE'S A GOOD JOKE to do during an earthquake. Straddle a big crack in the earth and if it opens wider, go, "Whoa! Whoa!" and flap your arms around as if you're going to fall. - -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. -% -Here's something to think about: How come you never see a headline like -`Psychic Wins Lottery.' - -- Jay Leno -% -Here's the holiday schedule for Monday's observation of Martin Luther -King Jr.'s birthday, when the following will be closed: - - * Governmental offices - * Post offices - * Libraries - * Schools - * Banks - * Parts of Palm Beach - -and the mind of Senator Jesse Helms of North Carolina. - -- Dennis Miller, "Saturday Night Live" + -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican", 1988. % Herth's Law: He who turns the other cheek too far gets it in the neck. @@ -20333,20 +16369,12 @@ He's dead, Jim. He's got the heart of a little child, and he keeps it in a jar on his desk. % -He's just a politician trying to save both his faces... -% He's just like Capistrano, always ready for a few swallows. % He's like a function -- he returns a value, in the form of his opinion. It's up to you to cast it into a void or not. -- Phil Lapsley % -He's the kind of guy, that, well, if you were ever in a jam he'd -be there... with two slices of bread and some chunky peanut butter. -% -Heuristics are bug ridden by definition. -If they didn't have bugs, then they'd be algorithms. -% Hewett's Observation: The rudeness of a bureaucrat is inversely proportional to his or her position in the governmental hierarchy and to the number of @@ -20423,10 +16451,6 @@ motto is: 'It is very difficult to disprove certain kinds of pain.' Hi Jimbo. Dennis. Really appreciate the help on the income tax. You wanna help on the audit now? % -Hi there! This is just a note from me, to you, to tell you, the person -reading this note, that I can't think up any more famous quotes, jokes, -nor bizarre stories, so you may as well go home. -% Hickery Dickery Dock, The mice ran up the clock, The clock struck one, @@ -20438,26 +16462,6 @@ Hideously disfigured by an ancient Indian curse? Call (511) 338-0959 for an immediate appointment. % -Hier liegt ein Mann ganz ohnegleich; -Im Leibe dick, an Suenden reich. -Wir haben ihn in das Grab gesteckt, Here lies a man with sundry flaws -Weil es uns duenkt er sei verreckt. And numerous Sins upon his head; - We buried him today because - As far as we can tell, he's dead. - - -- PDQ Bach's epitaph, as requested by his cousin Betty - Sue Bach and written by the local doggeral catcher; - "The Definitive Biography of PDQ Bach", Peter Schickele -% -Higgeldy Piggeldy, -Hamlet of Elsinore -Ruffled the critics by -Dropping this bomb: -"Phooey on Freud and his -Psychoanalysis, -Oedipus, Shmoedipus, -I just loved Mom." -% Higgins: Doolittle, you're either an honest man or a rogue. Doolittle: A little of both, Guv'nor. Like the rest of us, a little of both. @@ -20503,17 +16507,6 @@ Him: "Really? That's incredible... Hindsight is always 20:20. -- Billy Wilder % -Hindsight is an exact science. -% -hippogriff, n: - An animal (now extinct) which was half horse and half griffin. - The griffin was itself a compound creature, half lion and half - eagle. The hippogriff was actually, therefore, only one quarter - eagle, which is two dollars and fifty cents in gold. - The study of zoology is full of surprises. -% -Hire the morally handicapped. -% His designs were strictly honourable, as the phrase is: that is, to rob a lady of her fortune by way of marriage. -- Henry Fielding, "Tom Jones" @@ -20541,15 +16534,10 @@ Some of the monks doubted the orthodoxy of this prayer technique... His heart was yours from the first moment that you met. % His ideas of first-aid stopped short of squirting soda water. - -- P.G. Wodehouse + -- P. G. Wodehouse % His life was formal; his actions seemed ruled with a ruler. % -His mind is like a steel trap: full of mice. - -- Foghorn Leghorn -% -His super power is to turn into a scotch terrier. -% Historians have now definitely established that Juan Cabrillo, discoverer of California, was not looking for Kansas, thus setting a precedent that continues to this day. @@ -20570,11 +16558,6 @@ History has the relation to truth that theology has to religion -- i.e. none to speak of. -- Lazarus Long % -History is curious stuff - You'd think by now we had enough -Yet the fact remains I fear - They make more of it every year. -% History is nothing but a collection of fables and useless trifles, cluttered up with a mass of unnecessary figures and proper names. -- Leo Tolstoy @@ -20584,8 +16567,6 @@ History is on our side (as long as we can control the historians). History is the version of past events that people have decided to agree on. -- Napoleon Bonaparte, "Maxims" % -History repeats itself. That's one thing wrong with history. -% History repeats itself -- the first time as a tragi-comedy, the second time as bedroom farce. % @@ -20625,28 +16606,7 @@ Hitchcock's Staple Principle: Hitler used methods against white men in Europe, which by tacit agreement between the cultural European nations were only to be used against the coloured. - -- Poul Henningsen [1894-1967] -% -H.L. Mencken suffers from the hallucination that he is H.L. Mencken. -There is no cure for a disease of that magnitude. - -- Maxwell Bodenhein -% -H.L. Mencken suffers from the hallucination that he is H.L. -Mencken -- there is no cure for a disease of that magnitude. - -- Maxwell Bodenheim -% -H.L. Mencken's Law: - Those who can -- do. - Those who can't -- teach. - -Martin's Extension: - Those who cannot teach -- administrate. - - [No, those who can't teach, teach here. Ed.] -% -Hlade's Law: - If you have a difficult task, give it to a lazy person -- - they will find an easier way to do it. + -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967) % Hoaars-Faisse Gallery presents: An exhibit of works by the artist known only as Pretzel. @@ -20664,20 +16624,12 @@ the argument: that the alienation of the person/machine boundary has sapped the strength of our voices and must be destroyed for society to exist in a more fundamental sense. % -Hoare's Law of Large Problems: - Inside every large problem is a small - problem struggling to get out. -% Hodie natus est radici frater. % Hoffer's Discovery: The grand act of a dying institution is to issue a newly revised, enlarged edition of the policies and procedures manual. % -Hofstadter's Law: - It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take - Hofstadter's Law into account. -% HOGAN'S HEROES DRINKING GAME -- Take a shot every time: @@ -20731,9 +16683,6 @@ Home on the Range was originally written in beef-flat. Honesty is for the most part less profitable than dishonesty. -- Plato % -Honesty pays, but it doesn't seem to pay enough to suit some people. - -- F.M. Hubbard -% Honesty's the best policy. -- Miguel de Cervantes % @@ -20743,13 +16692,6 @@ honeymoon, n: % Honi soit la vache qui rit. % -Honk if you love peace and quiet. -% -honorable, adj: - Afflicted with an impediment in one's reach. In legislative - bodies, it is customary to mention all members as honorable; - as, "the honorable gentleman is a scurvy cur." -% Hope is a good breakfast, but it is a bad supper. -- Francis Bacon % @@ -20771,15 +16713,9 @@ as the mediocre verses of the young man she is in love with. Horner's Five Thumb Postulate: Experience varies directly with equipment ruined. % -Horngren's Observation: - Among economists, the real world is often a special case. -% Hors d'oeuvres -- a ham sandwich cut into forty pieces. -- Jack Benny % -Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people. - -- W.C. Fields -% HOST SYSTEM NOT RESPONDING, PROBABLY DOWN. DO YOU WANT TO WAIT? (Y/N) % HOST SYSTEM RESPONDING, PROBABLY UP... @@ -20797,16 +16733,10 @@ Household hint: Housework can kill you if done right. -- Erma Bombeck % -Houston, Tranquillity Base here. The Eagle has landed. - -- Neil Armstrong -% How apt the poor are to be proud. -- William Shakespeare, "Twelfth-Night" % -How can you be in two places at once -when you're not anywhere at all? -% -How can you do 'New Math' problems with an 'Old Math' mind? +How can you do "New Math" problems with an "Old Math" mind? -- Schulz % How can you govern a nation which has 246 kinds of cheese? @@ -20832,8 +16762,6 @@ claim they'll make you? % How come we never talk anymore? % -How come wrong numbers are never busy? -% How comes it to pass, then, that we appear such cowards in reasoning, and are so afraid to stand the test of ridicule? -- A. Cooper @@ -20871,9 +16799,6 @@ I wish I could tell you how it is in that dark, standing in the huge singing and the alien world. -- Jack Gilbert, "Don Giovanni on his way to Hell" % -How do you explain school to a higher intelligence? - -- Elliot, "E.T." -% "How do you know she is a unicorn?" Molly demanded. "And why were you afraid to let her touch you? I saw you. You were afraid of her." "I doubt that I will feel like talking for very long," the cat @@ -20888,34 +16813,12 @@ examined his claws. hers and not my own, not ever again." -- Peter S. Beagle, "The Last Unicorn" % -How doth the little crocodile - Improve his shining tail, -And pour the waters of the Nile - On every golden scale! - -How cheerfully he seems to grin, - How neatly spreads his claws, -And welcomes little fishes in, - With gently smiling jaws! -% -How doth the VAX's C-compiler - Improve its object code. -And even as we speak does it - Increase the system load. - -How patiently it seems to run - And spit out error flags, -While users, with frustration, all - Tear their clothes to rags. -% How is the world ruled, and how do wars start? Diplomats tell lies to journalists, and they believe what they read. -- Karl Kraus, "Aphorisms and More Aphorisms" % How kind of you to be willing to live someone's life for them. % -How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you're on. -% How many "coming men" has one known! Where on earth do they all go to? -- Sir Arthur Wing Pinero % @@ -20932,9 +16835,6 @@ How many priests are needed for a Boston Mass? % How many weeks are there in a light year? % -How much does it cost to entice a dope-smoking UNIX system guru to Dayton? - -- UNIX/WORLD's First Annual Salary Survey, Brian Boyle -% How much does she love you? Less than you'll ever know. % @@ -20960,14 +16860,8 @@ How to Raise Your I.Q. by Eating Gifted Children % How untasteful can you get? % -How wonderful opera would be if there were no singers. -% How you look depends on where you go. % -However, never daunted, I will cope with adversity -in my traditional manner... sulking and nausea. - -- Tom K. Ryan -% However, on religious issues there can be little or no compromise. There is no position on which people are so immovable as their religious beliefs. There is no more powerful ally one can claim in a debate than Jesus Christ, @@ -20989,14 +16883,6 @@ of the way if they try to dictate their moral convictions to all Americans in the name of "conservatism." -- Senator Barry Goldwater, Congressional Record % -HR 3128. Omnibus Budget Reconciliation, Fiscal 1986. Martin, R-Ill., motion -that the House recede from its disagreement to the Senate amendment making -changes in the bill to reduce fiscal 1986 deficits. The Senate amendment -was an amendment to the House amendment to the Senate amendment to the House -amendment to the Senate amendment to the bill. The original Senate amendment -was the conference agreement on the bill. Agreed to. - -- Albuquerque Journal -% Hubbard's Law: Don't take life too seriously; you won't get out of it alive. @@ -21008,8 +16894,6 @@ Never mind. % Huh? % -Human beings were created by water to transport it uphill. -% Human cardiac catheterization was introduced by Werner Forssman in 1929. Ignoring his department chief, and tying his assistant to an operating table to prevent her interference, he placed a ureteral catheter into @@ -21018,7 +16902,7 @@ walked upstairs to the x-ray department where he took the confirmatory x-ray film. In 1956, Dr. Forssman was awarded the Nobel Prize. % Human kind cannot bear very much reality. - -- T.S. Eliot, "Four Quartets: Burnt Norton" + -- T. S. Eliot, "Four Quartets: Burnt Norton" % Human resources are human first, and resources second. -- J. Garbers @@ -21034,11 +16918,6 @@ Humans are communications junkies. We just can't get enough. Humility is the first of the virtues -- for other people. -- Oliver Wendell Holmes % -Hummingbirds never remember the words to songs. -% -Humor is a drug which it's the fashion to abuse. - -- William Gilbert -% Humorists always sit at the children's table. -- Woody Allen % @@ -21062,10 +16941,6 @@ Had scrambled eggs for breakfast again! % Humpty Dumpty was pushed. % -Hurewitz's Memory Principle: - The chance of forgetting something is directly proportional - to... to... uh..... -% I: The best way to make a silk purse from a sow's ear is to begin with a silk sow. The same is true of money. @@ -21082,10 +16957,6 @@ V: output. -- Norman Augustine % -I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence. -There's a knob called "brightness", but it doesn't seem to work. - -- Gallagher -% I accept chaos. I am not sure whether it accepts me. I know some people are terrified of the bomb. But then some people are terrified to be seen carrying a modern screen magazine. Experience teaches us that silence @@ -21104,10 +16975,10 @@ and I allow myself to live as I choose. I also believe that academic freedom should protect the right of a professor or student to advocate Marxism, socialism, communism, or any other minority viewpoint -- no matter how distasteful to the majority. - -- Richard M. Nixon + -- Richard Nixon What are our schools for if not indoctrination against Communism? - -- Richard M. Nixon + -- Richard Nixon % I always choose my friends for their good looks and my enemies for their good intellects. Man cannot be too careful in his choice of enemies. @@ -21121,7 +16992,7 @@ It is never any good to oneself. -- Oscar Wilde, "An Ideal Husband" % I always say beauty is only sin deep. - -- Saki, "Reginald's Choir Treat" + -- H. H. Munro, a.k.a Saki, "Reginald's Choir Treat" % I always turn to the sports pages first, which record people's accomplishments. The front page has nothing but man's failures. @@ -21230,12 +17101,6 @@ I am not a politician and my other habits are also good. I am not afraid of tomorrow, for I have seen yesterday and I love today. -- William Allen White % -I am not an Economist. I am an honest man! - -- Paul McCracken -% -I am not now and never have been a girl friend of Henry Kissinger. - -- Gloria Steinem -% I am of the belief that catnip arrived on the planet in the same spaceship that delivered cats. It is the only thing they have from their home planet. Tuna, chicken, sparrow-brains, etc., these are all things of our @@ -21246,16 +17111,6 @@ I am professionally trained in computer science, which is to say (in all seriousness) that I am extremely poorly educated. -- Joseph Weizenbaum, "Computer Power and Human Reason" % -I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared -for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter. - -- W. Churchill -% -I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone -has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top. - -- Professor Lowd, English, Ohio University -% -I am the mother of all things, and all things should wear a sweater. -% I am the wandering glitch -- catch me if you can. % I am two fools, I know, for loving, and for saying so. @@ -21268,12 +17123,6 @@ I am very fond of the company of ladies. I like their beauty, I like their delicacy, I like their vivacity, and I like their silence. -- Samuel Johnson % -I appreciate the fact that this draft was done in haste, but some of the -sentences that you are sending out in the world to do your work for you are -loitering in taverns or asleep beside the highway. - -- Dr. Dwight Van de Vate, Professor of Philosophy, - University of Tennessee at Knoxville -% I asked the engineer who designed the communication terminal's keyboards why these were not manufactured in a central facility, in view of the small number needed [1 per month] in his factory. He explained that this @@ -21322,9 +17171,6 @@ because his religion differs from the president who might appoint him or the people who might elect him. -- John F. Kennedy % -I believe in getting into hot water; it keeps you clean. - -- G.K. Chesterton -% I believe in sex and death -- two experiences that come once in a lifetime. -- Woody Allen % @@ -21337,21 +17183,15 @@ thought, it will be possible to systematize confusion and contribute to the total discrediting of the world of reality. -- Salvador Dali % -I belong to no organized party. I am a Democrat. - -- Will Rogers -% -I bet the human brain is a kludge. - -- Marvin Minsky -% I BET WHAT HAPPENED was they discovered fire and invented the wheel on the same day. Then that night, they burned the wheel. - -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. + -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican", 1988. % I BET WHEN NEANDERTHAL KIDS would make a snowman, someone would always end up saying, "Don't forget the thick heavy brows." Then they would get embarrassed because they remembered they had the big hunky brows too, and they'd get mad and eat the snowman. - -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. + -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican", 1988. % I bet you have fun chasing the soap around the bathtub. -- Princess Diana, to a one-armed war veteran during @@ -21377,9 +17217,6 @@ apparent intention of having sex. Next thing you know, the forest burns down. If I were still eight, I think I'd prefer Rambo III. -- Townsend Davis % -I call them as I see them. If I can't see them, I make them up. - -- Biff Barf -% I called my parents the other night, but I forgot about the time difference. They're still living in the fifties. -- Strange de Jim @@ -21404,8 +17241,6 @@ and provide temporary relief to nymphomaniacs. % I can relate to that. % -I can resist anything but temptation. -% I can see him a'comin' With his big boots on, With his big thumb out, @@ -21423,10 +17258,7 @@ To find my way... In the dark! % I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better. - -- A.J. Liebling -% -I cannot and will not cut my conscience to fit this year's fashions. - -- Lillian Hellman + -- A. J. Liebling % I cannot believe that God plays dice with the cosmos. -- Albert Einstein, on the randomness of quantum mechanics @@ -21437,12 +17269,6 @@ If it be man's work I will do it. I can't believe that out of 100,000 sperm, you were the quickest. -- Steven Pearl % -I can't complain, but sometimes I still do. - -- Joe Walsh -% -I can't decide whether to commit suicide or go bowling. - -- Florence Henderson -% I can't die until the government finds a safe place to bury my liver. -- Phil Harris % @@ -21458,7 +17284,7 @@ I've Got Red Eyes From Your White Lies and I'm Blue All the Time -- proposed Country-Western song titles from "Wordplay" % I can't mate in captivity. - -- Gloria Steinem, on why she has never married. + -- Gloria Steinem, on why she has never married % I can't seem to bring myself to say, "Well, I guess I'll be toddling along." It isn't that I can't toddle. It's that I can't guess I'll toddle. @@ -21473,14 +17299,6 @@ forms. You've got to kill the people producing them. Building Works (near Moscow) in a speech to the Communist Party Conference % -I can't understand it. -I can't even understand the people who can understand it. - -- Queen Juliana of the Netherlands -% -I can't understand why a person will take a year or two to write a -novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars. - -- Fred Allen -% I can't understand why people are frightened of new ideas. I'm frightened of the old ones. -- John Cage @@ -21508,10 +17326,6 @@ except on a raft at sea with no other provisions in sight. % I couldn't possibly fail to disagree with you less. % -I couldn't remember when I had been so disappointed. Except perhaps the -time I found out that M&Ms really DO melt in your hand. - -- Peter Oakley -% I despise the pleasure of pleasing people whom I despise. % I didn't believe in reincarnation in any of my other lives. I don't see why @@ -21519,7 +17333,7 @@ I should have to believe in it in this one. -- Strange de Jim % I didn't do it! Nobody saw me do it! Can't prove anything! - -- Bart Simpson + -- Bart Simpson % I didn't get sophisticated -- I just got tired. But maybe that's what sophisticated is -- being tired. @@ -21527,9 +17341,6 @@ But maybe that's what sophisticated is -- being tired. % I didn't know he was dead; I thought he was British. % -I didn't like the play, but I saw it under adverse conditions. -The curtain was up. -% "I didn't order any WOO-WOO... Maybe a YUBBA... But no WOO-WOO!" -- Zippy the Pinhead % @@ -21551,14 +17362,6 @@ I do desire we may be better strangers. % I do enjoy a good long walk -- especially when my wife takes one. % -I do hate sums. There is no greater mistake than to call arithmetic an -exact science. There are permutations and aberrations discernible to minds -entirely noble like mine; subtle variations which ordinary accountants fail -to discover; hidden laws of number which it requires a mind like mine to -perceive. For instance, if you add a sum from the bottom up, and then again -from the top down, the result is always different. - -- Mrs. La Touche -% I do not believe in the creed professed by the Jewish Church, by the Roman Church, by the Greek Church, by the Turkish Church, by the Protestant Church, nor by any Church that I know of. My own mind is my own Church. @@ -21573,16 +17376,6 @@ and one citizen has as much right to play as another. Jackie Robinson took the field against St. Louis. The Cardinals backed down and played. % -I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them. - -- Isaac Asimov -% -I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with -sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use. - -- Galileo Galilei -% -I do not know myself and God forbid that I should. - -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe -% I do not know where to find in any literature, whether ancient or modern, any adequate account of that nature with which I am acquainted. Mythology comes nearest to it of any. @@ -21590,7 +17383,7 @@ comes nearest to it of any. % I do not know whether I was then a man dreaming I was a butterfly, or whether I am now a butterfly dreaming I am a man. - -- Chuang-tzu + -- Chuang Tzu % I do not remember ever having seen a sustained argument by an author which, starting from philosophical premises likely to meet with general acceptance, @@ -21639,24 +17432,14 @@ I don't get no respect. I don't have an eating problem. I eat. I get fat. I buy new clothes. No problem. % -I don't have any solution but I certainly admire the problem. - -- Ashleigh Brilliant -% I don't have any use for bodyguards, but I do have a specific use for two highly trained certified public accountants. -- Elvis Presley % -I don't have to take this abuse from you -- I've got -hundreds of people waiting to abuse me. - -- Bill Murray, "Ghostbusters" -% I don't kill flies, but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them above globes. They freak out and yell "Whooa, I'm *way* too high." -- Bruce Baum % -I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to. - -- Elvis Presley -% I don't know what Descartes' got, But booze can do what Kant cannot. -- Mike Cross @@ -21670,10 +17453,6 @@ I don't know why anyone would want a computer in their home. % I don't know why we're here, I say we all go home and free associate. % -I don't like spinach, and I'm glad I don't, -because if I liked it I'd eat it, and I'd just hate it. - -- Clarence Darrow -% I don't like the Dutchman. He's a crocodile. He's sneaky. I don't trust him. -- Jack "Legs" Diamond, just before a peace conference @@ -21691,10 +17470,6 @@ I don't mind arguing with myself. It's when I lose that it bothers me. -- Richard Powers % -I don't mind what Congress does, as long as they don't do it in the -streets and frighten the horses. - -- Victor Hugo -% I don't need no arms around me... I don't need no drugs to calm me... I have seen the writing on the wall. @@ -21713,7 +17488,7 @@ he starts to practice law. % I DON'T THINK I'M ALONE when I say I'd like to see more and more planets fall under the ruthless domination of our solar system. - -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. + -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican", 1988. % I don't think they are going to give a shit about the Republican Committee trying to bug the Democratic Committee's headquarters. @@ -21754,9 +17529,6 @@ I don't wish to appear overly inquisitive, but are you still alive? I dote on his very absence. -- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice" % -I drink to make other people interesting. - -- George Jean Nathan -% I either want less decadence or more chance to participate in it. % I enjoy the time that we spend together. @@ -21767,13 +17539,9 @@ I fear explanations explanatory of things explained. % I feel sorry for your brain... all alone in that great big head... % -I fell asleep reading a dull book, -and I dreamt that I was reading on, -so I woke up from sheer boredom. -% I figure that if God actually does exist, He's big enough to understand an honest difference of opinion. - - Isaac Asimov + -- Isaac Asimov % I finally went to the eye doctor. I got contacts. I only need them to read, so I got flip-ups. @@ -21801,28 +17569,14 @@ A building that's perfect, it has no flaw! A program with GOTOs, it has no end! I lied about the upgrade, with no cryin'! % -I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it. - -- Mae West -% I get my exercise acting as pallbearer to my friends who exercise. -- Chauncey Depew % -I get up each morning, gather my wits. -Pick up the paper, read the obits. -If I'm not there I know I'm not dead. -So I eat a good breakfast and go back to bed. - -Oh, how do I know my youth is all spent? -My get-up-and-go has got-up-and-went. -But in spite of it all, I'm able to grin, -And think of the places my get-up has been. - -- Pete Seeger -% I give you the man who -- the man who -- uh, I forgets the man who? -- Beauregard Bugleboy % I go on working for the same reason a hen goes on laying eggs. - -- H.L. Mencken + -- H. L. Mencken % "I got into an elevator at work and this man followed in after me... I pushed '1' and he just stood there... I said 'Hi, where you going?' He @@ -21873,12 +17627,12 @@ human emotions which is freaking out. Another emotion is greed, as when you kill someone for money or something like that. Another emotion is generosity, as when you pay someone double what he paid for his stupid puppet. - -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. + -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican", 1988. % I GUESS I'LL NEVER FORGET HER. And maybe I don't want to. Her spirit was wild, like a wild monkey. Her beauty was like a beautiful horse being ridden by a wild monkey. I forget her other qualities. - -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. + -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican", 1988. % I guess I've been so wrapped up in playing the game that I never took time enough to figure out where the goal line was -- what it meant to @@ -21892,14 +17646,14 @@ other people... Certainty is just an emotion. I GUESS OF ALL MY UNCLES, I liked Uncle Caveman the best. We called him Uncle Caveman because he lived in a cave and because sometimes he'd eat one of us. Later, we found out he was a bear. - -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. + -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican", 1988. % I guess the Little League is even littler than we thought. -- D. Cavett % I GUESS WE WERE ALL GUILTY, in a way. We shot him, we skinned him, and we all got a complimentary bumper sticker that said, "I helped skin Bob." - -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. + -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican", 1988. % I had a dream last night... I dreamt about 1976. @@ -21945,25 +17699,16 @@ I had the rare misfortune of being one of the first people to try and implement a PL/1 compiler. -- T. Cheatham % -I had to hit him -- he was starting to make sense. -% I hate babies. They're so human. - -- H.H. Munro + -- H. H. Munro % I hate dying. -- Dave Johnson % -I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day cause that means -it's going to be up all night. - -- Steven Wright -% I hate mankind, for I think myself one of the best of them, and I know how bad I am. -- Samuel Johnson % -I hate quotations. - -- Ralph Waldo Emerson -% I hate small towns because once you've seen the cannon in the park there's nothing else to do. -- Lenny Bruce @@ -21981,7 +17726,7 @@ of mine on the street the other day. He said why don't you give me a call. I told him I can't call everybody I want to anymore, my phone doesn't have a five. He asked how long had it been that way. I said I didn't know -- my calendar doesn't have any sevens. - -- S. Wright + -- Steven Wright % I have a dog; I named him Stay. So when I'd go to call him, I'd say, "Here, Stay, here..." but he got wise to that. Now when I call him he ignores me @@ -21999,7 +17744,7 @@ I just... to make a long story short..." -- Stephen Wright % I have a hard time being attracted to anyone who can beat me up. - -- John McGrath, Atlanta sportswriter, on women weightlifters. + -- John McGrath, Atlanta sportswriter, on women weightlifters % I have a hobby. I have the world's largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen @@ -22015,7 +17760,7 @@ The funniest thing about him is the way he likes to grow-- Not at all like proper children, which is always very slow; For he sometimes shoots up taller, like an india-rubber ball, And he sometimes gets so little that there's none of him at all. - -- R.L. Stevenson + -- R. L. Stevenson % I have a map of the United States. It's actual size. I spent last summer folding it. @@ -22025,19 +17770,12 @@ People ask me where I live, and I say, "E6". I have a rock garden. Last week three of them died. -- Richard Diran % -I have a simple philosophy: - - Fill what's empty. - Empty what's full. - Scratch where it itches. - -- A.R. Longworth -% I have a switch in my apartment that doesn't do anything. Every once in a while I turn it on and off. On and off. On and off. One day I got a call from a woman in France who said "Cut it out!" -- Steven Wright % -I have a terrible headache, I was putting on toilet water and the lid fell. +I have a terrible headache, I was putting on toilet water and the lid fell. % I have a theory that it's impossible to prove anything, but I can't prove it. @@ -22064,10 +17802,6 @@ I have an existential map. It has "You are here" written all over it. % I have become me without my consent. % -I have come up with a surefire concept for a hit television show, which -would be called "A Live Celebrity Gets Eaten by a Shark." - -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV" -% I have come up with a sure-fire concept for a hit television show, which would be called `A Live Celebrity Gets Eaten by a Shark'. -- Dave Barry @@ -22080,10 +17814,6 @@ I have discovered that all human evil comes from this, man's being unable to sit still in a room. -- Blaise Pascal % -I have discovered the art of deceiving diplomats. -I tell them the truth and they never believe me. - -- Camillo Di Cavour -% I have found it impossible to carry the heavy burden of responsibility and to discharge my duties as king as I would wish to do without the help and support of the woman I love. @@ -22104,9 +17834,6 @@ I have given two cousins to war and I stand ready to sacrifice my wife's brother. -- Artemus Ward % -I have great faith in fools -- self confidence my friends call it. - -- Edgar Allan Poe -% I have had my television aerials removed. It's the moral equivalent of a prostate operation. -- Malcolm Muggeridge @@ -22130,14 +17857,6 @@ The price of half a gallon Of Gallo extra bad And most of the bus fare home. % -I have made mistakes but I have never made the -mistake of claiming that I have never made one. - -- James Gordon Bennett -% -I have made this letter longer than usual -because I lack the time to make it shorter. - -- Blaise Pascal -% I have more hit points that you can possible imagine. % I have more humility in my little finger than you have in your whole BODY! @@ -22145,13 +17864,13 @@ I have more humility in my little finger than you have in your whole BODY! % I have never been one to sacrifice my appetite on the altar of appearance. - -- A.M. Readyhough + -- A. M. Readyhough % I have never let my schooling interfere with my education. -- Mark Twain % I have never seen anything fill up a vacuum so fast and still suck. - -- Rob Pike, on X. + -- Rob Pike, on X Steve Jobs said two years ago that X is brain-damaged and it will be gone in two years. He was half right. @@ -22216,7 +17935,7 @@ declare the construction of such machinery impracticable... And at a period when the progress of physical science is obstructed by that exhausting intellectual and manual labor, indispensable for its advancement, which it is the object of the Analytical Engine to relieve, I -think the application of machinery in aid of the most complicated and abtruse +think the application of machinery in aid of the most complicated and abstruse calculations can no longer be deemed unworthy of the attention of the country. In fact, there is no reason why mental as well as bodily labor should not be economized by the aid of machinery. @@ -22231,9 +17950,6 @@ I have that old biological urge, I have that old irresistible surge, I'm hungry. % -I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best. - -- Oscar Wilde -% I have to think hard to name an interesting man who does not drink. -- Richard Burton % @@ -22248,14 +17964,6 @@ authority that data processing is a fad and won't last out the year. I have ways of making money that you know nothing of. -- John D. Rockefeller % -I have yet to see any problem, however complicated, which, when -you looked at it in the right way, did not become still more complicated. - -- Poul Anderson -% -I haven't lost my mind -- it's backed up on tape somewhere. -% -I haven't lost my mind; I know exactly where I left it. -% I hear the sound that the machines make, and feel my heart break, just for a moment. % @@ -22299,14 +18007,11 @@ ever needed one. Needless to say, I readily agreed. % I just got out of the hospital after a speed reading accident. I hit a bookmark. - -- S. Wright + -- Steven Wright % I just know I'm a better manager when I have Joe DiMaggio in center field. -- Casey Stengel % -I just need enough to tide me over until I need more. - -- Bill Hoest -% "I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes." "Did you ever see a doctor?" "No, just spots." @@ -22337,17 +18042,9 @@ I know not how I came into this, shall I call it a dying life or a living death? -- St. Augustine % -I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but -World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones. - -- Albert Einstein -% I know on which side my bread is buttered. -- John Heywood % -I know the answer! The answer lies within the heart of all mankind! -The answer is twelve? I think I'm in the wrong building. - -- Charles Schulz -% I know the disposition of women: when you will, they won't; when you won't, they set their hearts upon you of their own inclination. -- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence) @@ -22411,26 +18108,15 @@ I learned to play guitar just to get the girls, and anyone who says they didn't is just lyin'! -- Willie Nelson % -I like being single. I'm always there when I need me. - -- Art Leo -% I like myself, but I won't say I'm as handsome as the bull that kidnapped Europa. -- Marcus Tullius Cicero % -I like to believe that people in the long run are going to do more to -promote peace than our governments. Indeed, I think that people want -peace so much that one of these days governments had better get out of -the way and let them have it. - -- Dwight D. Eisenhower -% I like work; it fascinates me; I can sit and look at it for hours. % I like young girls. Their stories are shorter. -- Tom McGuane % -I like your game but we have to change the rules. -% I live the way I type; fast, with a lot of mistakes. % I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts @@ -22484,9 +18170,6 @@ I may be getting older, but I refuse to grow up! I may kid around about drugs, but really, I take them seriously. -- Doctor Graper % -I may not be totally perfect, but parts of me are excellent. - -- Ashleigh Brilliant -% I met a wonderful new man. He's fictional, but you can't have everything. -- Cecelia, "The Purple Rose of Cairo" % @@ -22503,15 +18186,7 @@ I will not Reason and Compare; my business is to Create. -- William Blake, "Jerusalem" % I must get out of these wet clothes and into a dry Martini. - -- Alexander Woolcott -% -I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a -week sometimes to make it up. - -- Mark Twain, "The Innocents Abroad" -% -I must have slipped a disk -- my pack hurts! -% -I must have slipped a disk; my pack hurts. + -- Alexander Woollcott % I myself have dreamed up a structure intermediate between Dyson spheres and planets. Build a ring 93 million miles in radius -- one Earth orbit @@ -22571,8 +18246,6 @@ I thought I did once, but I was wrong. I never met a man I didn't want to fight. -- Lyle Alzado, professional football lineman % -I never met a piece of chocolate I didn't like. -% I never pray before meals -- my mom's a good cook. % I never said all Democrats were saloonkeepers; @@ -22588,7 +18261,7 @@ I've never seen a purple cow I never hope to see one But from the milk we're getting now There certainly must be one - -- Odgen Nash + -- Ogden Nash Ah, yes, I wrote "The Purple Cow" I'm sorry now I wrote it @@ -22599,10 +18272,7 @@ I'll kill you if you quote it. I never take work home with me; I always leave it in some bar along the way. % I never vote for anyone. I always vote against. - -- W.C. Fields -% -I often quote myself; it adds spice to my conversation. - -- G.B. Shaw + -- W. C. Fields % I only know what I read in the papers. -- Will Rogers @@ -22624,9 +18294,7 @@ toilet seat. -- Michael McShane % I owe the public nothing. - -- J.P. Morgan -% -I own my own body, but I share. + -- J. P. Morgan % I place economy among the first and most important virtues, and public debt as the greatest of dangers to be feared. To preserve our independence, we must @@ -22655,9 +18323,9 @@ and justice for all. -- Francis Bellamy, 1892 % I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone. - -- S. Wright + -- Steven Wright % -I prefer rogues to imbeciles because they sometimes take a rest. +I prefer rogues to imbeciles because they sometimes take a rest. -- Alexandre Dumas the Younger % I prefer the most unjust peace to the most righteous war. @@ -22666,9 +18334,6 @@ I prefer the most unjust peace to the most righteous war. Even peace may be purchased at too high a price. -- Poor Richard % -I profoundly believe it takes a lot of practice to become a moral slob. - -- William F. Buckley -% I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles. -- Stephen Wright @@ -22687,11 +18352,11 @@ aspire to crudeness. I put up my thumb... and it blotted out the planet Earth. -- Neil Armstrong % -I quite agree with you, said the Duchess; and the moral of that is -- 'Be -what you would seem to be' -- or, if you'd like it put more simply -- 'Never +I quite agree with you, said the Duchess; and the moral of that is -- "Be +what you would seem to be" -- or, if you'd like it put more simply -- "Never imagine yourself not to be otherwise than what it might appear to others that what you were or might have been was not otherwise than what you had -been would have appeared to them to be otherwise.' +been would have appeared to them to be otherwise." % I read a column by George Will that Scarface should be rated X because parents were taking their children to see it. So what? Why should the @@ -22708,25 +18373,13 @@ To see the sights I'm never going to visit. I read the newspaper avidly. It is my one form of continuous fiction. -- Aneurin Bevan % -I realize that today you have a number of top female athletes such as -Martina Navratilova who can run like deer and bench-press Chevrolet -trucks. But to be brutally frank, women as a group have a long way to -go before they reach the level of intensity and dedication to sports -that enables men to be such incredible jerks about it. - -- Dave Barry, "Sports is a Drag" -% I really had to act; 'cause I didn't have any lines. -- Marilyn Chambers % -I really hate this damned machine -I wish that they would sell it. -It never does quite what I want -But only what I tell it. -% I really look with commiseration over the great body of my fellow citizens who, reading newspapers, live and die in the belief that they have known -something of what has been passing in their time. - -- H. Truman +something of what has been passing in the world in their time. + -- Thomas Jefferson % I recently moved into a new apartment, and there was this switch on the wall that didn't do anything... so anytime I had nothing to do, I'd just @@ -22744,15 +18397,13 @@ I refuse to consign the whole male sex to the nursery. I insist on believing that some men are my equals. -- Brigid Brophy % -I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person. -% I remember once being on a station platform in Cleveland at four in the morning. A black porter was carrying my bags, and as we were waiting for the train to come in, he said to me: "Excuse me, Mr. Cooke, I don't want to invade your privacy, but I have a bet with a friend of mine. Who composed -the opening theme music of 'Omnibus'? My friend said Virgil Thomson." I +the opening theme music of `Omnibus'? My friend said Virgil Thomson." I asked him, "What do you say?" He replied, "I say Aaron Copeland." I said, -"You're right." The porter said, "I knew Thomson doesn't write counterpoint +"You're right." The porter said, "I knew Thomson doesn't write counterpoint that way." I told that to a network president, and he was deeply unimpressed. -- Alistair Cooke % @@ -22775,7 +18426,7 @@ I respect the institution of marriage. I have always thought that every woman should marry -- and no man. -- Benjamin Disraeli, "Lothair" % -I reverently believe that the maker who made us all makes everything in New +I reverently believe that the maker who made us all makes everything in New England, but the weather. I don't know who makes that, but I think it must be raw apprentices in the weather-clerks factory who experiment and learn how, in New England, for board and clothes, and then are promoted to make weather for @@ -22820,32 +18471,11 @@ It's bound to take your life. There's a bad moon on the rise. -- J. C. Fogerty, "Bad Moon Rising" % -I see a good deal of talk from Washington about lowering taxes. I hope -they do get 'em lowered down enough so people can afford to pay 'em. - -- The Best of Will Rogers -% I see where we are starting to pay some attention to our neighbors to the south. We could never understand why Mexico wasn't just crazy about us; for we have always had their good will, and oil and minerals, at heart. -- The Best of Will Rogers % -I sent a letter to the fish, I said it very loud and clear, -I told them, "This is what I wish." I went and shouted in his ear. -The little fishes of the sea, But he was very stiff and proud, -They sent an answer back to me. He said "You needn't shout so loud." -The little fishes' answer was And he was very proud and stiff, -"We cannot do it, sir, because..." He said "I'll go and wake them if..." -I sent a letter back to say I took a kettle from the shelf, -It would be better to obey. I went to wake them up myself. -But someone came to me and said But when I found the door was locked -"The little fishes are in bed." I pulled and pushed and kicked and - knocked, -I said to him, and I said it plain And when I found the door was shut, -"Then you must wake them up again." I tried to turn the handle, But... - - "Is that all?" asked Alice. - "That is all." said Humpty Dumpty. "Goodbye." -% I sent a message to another time, But as the days unwind -- this I just can't believe, I sent a message to another plane, @@ -22886,9 +18516,6 @@ There's so much pollution in the air now that if it weren't for our lungs there'd be no place to put it all. -- Robert Orben % -I shot an arrow into the air, and it stuck. - -- Los Angeles graffito -% I should have been a country-western singer. After all, I'm older than most western countries. -- George Burns @@ -22906,9 +18533,6 @@ ability. I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone. -- Stephen Wright % -I spilled spot remover on my dog and now he's gone. - -- Stephen Wright -% I steal. -- Sam Giancana, explaining his livelihood to his draft board @@ -22926,16 +18550,8 @@ Go on and give it a try, Why prolong the agony, all men must die. -- Roger Waters, "The Pros and Cons of Hitchhiking" % -I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to -see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph. - -- Shirley Temple -% -I stopped believing in Santa Claus when my mother took me to see him in a -department store, and he asked for my autograph. - -- Shirley Temple -% -I suggest a new strategy, Artoo: let the Wookiee win. - -- CP30 +I suggest a new strategy, R2: let the Wookiee win. + -- C-3PO % I suppose I could collect my books and get on back to school, Or steal my daddy's cue and make a living out of playing pool, @@ -23037,7 +18653,7 @@ kept the kid's picture that came with the wallet he bought. -- Rodney Dangerfield % I think... I think it's in my basement... Let me go upstairs and check. - -- Escher + -- M. C. Escher % I think a relationship is like a shark. It has to constantly move forward or it dies. Well, what we have on our hands here is a dead shark. @@ -23049,22 +18665,22 @@ sick and tired. I'm certainly not! But I'm sick and tired of being told that I am! -- Monty Python % -"I think he said 'Blessed are the cheesemakers.'" +"I think he said `Blessed are the cheesemakers.'" "Nonsense, he was obviously referring to all manufacturers of dairy products." -- The Life of Brian % I think I'll snatch a kiss and flee. - -- Shakespeare + -- William Shakespeare % I think I'm schizophrenic. One half of me's paranoid and the other half's out to get him. % I THINK MAN INVENTED THE CAR by instinct. - -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. + -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican", 1988. % I think she must have been very strictly brought up, she's so desperately anxious to do the wrong thing correctly. - -- Saki, "Reginald on Worries" + -- H. H. Munro, a.k.a. Saki, "Reginald on Worries" % I think that God in creating man somewhat overestimated his ability. -- Oscar Wilde @@ -23078,21 +18694,6 @@ Until my mem'ry melts away. Poems are made by fools, I fear But only Schlitz can make a beer. % -I think that I shall never see -A billboard lovely as a tree. -Indeed, unless the billboards fall -I'll never see a tree at all. - -- Nash -% -I think that I shall never see -A thing as lovely as a tree. -But as you see the trees have gone -They went this morning with the dawn. -A logging firm from out of town -Came and chopped the trees all down. -But I will trick those dirty skunks -And write a brand new poem called 'Trunks'. -% I think the world is ready for the story of an ugly duckling, who grew up to remain an ugly duckling, and lived happily ever after. -- Chick @@ -23104,7 +18705,7 @@ I THINK THERE SHOULD BE SOMETHING in science called the "reindeer effect." I don't know what it would be, but I think it'd be good to hear someone say, "Gentlemen, what we have here is a terrifying example of the reindeer effect." - -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. + -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican", 1988. % I think, therefore I am... I think. % @@ -23113,10 +18714,10 @@ I think there's a world market for about five computers. % I THINK THEY SHOULD CONTINUE the policy of not giving a Nobel Prize for paneling. - -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. + -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican", 1988. % I think we are in Rats Alley where the dead men lost their bones. - -- T.S. Eliot + -- T. S. Eliot % I think we're all Bozos on this bus. -- Firesign Theatre @@ -23126,7 +18727,7 @@ I think we're in trouble. % I think your opinions are reasonable, except for the one about my mental instability. - -- Psychology Professor, Farifield University + -- Psychology Professor, Fairfield University % "I thought that you said you were 20 years old!" "As a programmer, yes," she replied, @@ -23177,7 +18778,7 @@ and drown myself in the noise. -- Charles Schmid, the "Tucson Murderer" % I trust the first lion he meets will do his duty. - -- J.P. Morgan on Teddy Roosevelt's safari + -- J. P. Morgan on Teddy Roosevelt's safari % I try not to break the rules but merely to test their elasticity. -- Bill Veeck @@ -23197,7 +18798,7 @@ front of it in only eight minutes. -- Stephen Wright % I understand why you're confused. You're thinking too much. - -- Carole Wallach. + -- Carole Wallach % I use not only all the brains I have, but all those I can borrow as well. -- Woodrow Wilson @@ -23239,8 +18840,6 @@ And punched me in the nose, he said, He said "You're sick, you're obscene". -- Alice Cooper, "No More Mr. Nice Guy" % -I used to get high on life but lately I've built up a resistance. -% I used to have a drinking problem. Now I love the stuff. % @@ -23254,7 +18853,7 @@ I was pulled over for speeding today. The officer said, "Don't you know the speed limit is 55 miles an hour?" And I said, "Yes, but I wasn't going to be out that long." -I put a new engine in my car, but didn't take the ond one out. Now +I put a new engine in my car, but didn't take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles an hour. -- Stephen Wright % @@ -23262,32 +18861,11 @@ I used to think I was a child; now I think I am an adult -- not because I no longer do childish things, but because those I call adults are no more mature than I am. % -I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure. -% I used to think romantic love was a neurosis shared by two, a supreme foolishness. I no longer thought that. There's nothing foolish in loving anyone. Thinking you'll be loved in return is what's foolish. -- Rita Mae Brown % -I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in -my body. Then I realized who was telling me this. - -- Emo Phillips -% -I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near -the place. - -- Steven Wright -% -I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere -near the place. - -- Steven Wright -% -I value kindness to human beings first of all, and kindness to animals. I -don't respect the law; I have a total irreverence for anything connected -with society except that which makes the roads safer, the beer stronger, -the food cheaper, and old men and women warmer in the winter, and happier -in the summer. - -- Brendan Behan -% I waited and waited and when no message came I knew it must be from you. % I want to be the white man's brother, not his brother-in-law. @@ -23331,10 +18909,6 @@ Roll this rocker out some money, Or your daddy shoots a baddie to the floor." -- Mr. Miggle % -I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. -I said I didn't know. - -- Mark Twain -% I was in a bar and I walked up to a beautiful woman and said, "Do you live around here often?" She said, "You're wearing two different-color socks." I said, "Yes, but to me they're the same because I go by thickness." @@ -23344,7 +18918,7 @@ you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time..." -- Steven Wright, "Gentlemen's Quarterly" % -I was in a beauty contest one. I not only came in last, I was hit in +I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality. -- Phyllis Diller % @@ -23375,10 +18949,6 @@ was on the lam at the time and not able to work at my regular line. But I wouldn't consider it. "I'm a thief," I said. "I'm no lousy hoodlum." -- Alvin Karpis, "Public Enemy Number One" % -I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards. I got a -full house and four people died. - -- Steven Wright -% I was the best I ever had. -- Woody Allen % @@ -23413,18 +18983,6 @@ If people are disillusioned by that remark, I can't help it. It's the truth. -- Charlie Chaplin % -I went on to test the program in every way I could devise. I strained it to -expose its weaknesses. I ran it for high-mass stars and low-mass stars, for -stars born exceedingly hot and those born relatively cold. I ran it assuming -the superfluid currents beneath the crust to be absent -- not because I wanted -to know the answer, but because I had developed an intuitive feel for the -answer in this particular case. Finally I got a run in which the computer -showed the pulsar's temperature to be less than absolute zero. I had found -an error. I chased down the error and fixed it. Now I had improved the -program to the point where it would not run at all. - -- George Greenstein, "Frozen Star: - Of Pulsars, Black Holes and the Fate of Stars" -% I went over to my friend, he was eatin' a pickle. I said "Hi, what's happenin'?" He said "Nothin'." @@ -23514,7 +19072,11 @@ we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad. % I WISH I HAD A KRYPTONITE CROSS, because then you could keep both Dracula and Superman away. - -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. + -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican", 1988. +% +I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence. +There's a knob called "brightness", but it doesn't seem to work. + -- Gallagher % I wish there was a knob on the TV where you could turn up the intelligence. They've got one called brightness, but it doesn't @@ -23545,7 +19107,7 @@ I don't know yet and all kinds of adventures and battles." -- Bastian B. Bux % I wonder what the leash and collar set does for excitement? - -- Tramp, Lady and the Tramp + -- Tramp, "Lady and the Tramp" % I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me, "If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?" @@ -23583,7 +19145,7 @@ understanding, in mutuality of interest, in concern for the common good, our tasks will be solved. -- Warren G. Harding % -I would like to electrocute everyone who uses the word 'fair' in connection +I would like to electrocute everyone who uses the word "fair" in connection with income tax policies. -- William F. Buckley % @@ -23592,14 +19154,9 @@ What I was fencing in And what I was fencing out. -- Robert Frost % -I would like to suggest that you not use speed, and here's why: it is going -to mess up your heart, mess up your liver, your kidneys, rot out your mind. -In general this drug will make you just like your mother and father. - -- Frank Zappa -% I would much rather have men ask why I have no statue, than why I have one. - -- Marcus Procius Cato + -- Marcus Porcius Cato % I would not like to be a political leader in Russia. They never know when they're being taped. @@ -23610,7 +19167,7 @@ I love America. You always hurt the one you love. % I would rather be a serf in a poor man's house and be above ground than reign among the dead. - -- Achilles, "The Odessey", XI, 489-91 + -- Achilles, "The Odyssey", XI, 489-91 % I would rather say that a desire to drive fast sports cars is what sets man apart from the animals. @@ -23619,16 +19176,13 @@ I wouldn't be so paranoid if you weren't all out to get me!! % I wouldn't marry her with a ten foot pole. % -I wouldn't recommend sex, drugs or insanity -for everyone, but they've always worked for me. - -- Hunter S. Thompson -% I wrecked trains because I like to see people die. I like to hear them scream. -- Sylvestre Matuschka, "the Hungarian Train Wreck Freak", escaped prison 1937, not heard from since % -Iam +I +am not very happy @@ -23663,12 +19217,7 @@ IBM: % IBM Advanced Systems Group -- a bunch of mindless jerks, who'll be first against the wall when the revolution comes... - -- with regrets to D. Adams -% -IBM had a PL/I, -Its syntax worse than JOSS; -And everywhere this language went, -It was a total loss. + -- with regrets to Douglas Adams % IBM: It may be slow, but it's hard to use. % @@ -23683,8 +19232,6 @@ I'd be a poorer man if I'd never seen an eagle fly. [I saw an eagle fly once. Fortunately, I had my eagle fly swatter handy. Ed.] % -I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous. -% I'd horsewhip you if I had a horse. -- Groucho Marx % @@ -23694,7 +19241,7 @@ I'd just as soon kiss a Wookiee. I'D LIKE TO BE BURIED INDIAN-STYLE, where they put you up on a high rack, above the ground. That way, you could get hit by meteorites and not even feel it. - -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. + -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican", 1988. % I'd like to meet the guy who invented beer and see what he's working on now. % @@ -23713,7 +19260,7 @@ Yes life is fine when things combine, Like ham in beef chow mein... But lord, this time I think I mind, They've put acid in my rain. - --- Milo Bloom + -- Milo Bloom % I'd never join any club that would have the likes of me as a member. -- Groucho Marx @@ -23730,7 +19277,7 @@ I'd rather have a free bottle in front of me than a prefrontal lobotomy. [Also attributed to S. Clay Wilson. Ed.] % I'd rather have two girls at 21 each than one girl at 42. - -- W.C. Fields + -- W. C. Fields % I'd rather just believe that it's done by little elves running around. % @@ -23746,12 +19293,7 @@ Identify your visitor. idiot box, n: The part of the envelope that tells a person where to place the stamp when they can't quite figure it out for themselves. - -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends -% -idiot box, n: - The part of the envelope that tells a person where to place the - stamp when they can't quite figure it out for themselves. - -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" + -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets" % idiot, n: A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence @@ -23762,13 +19304,6 @@ IDLENESS: % Idleness is the holiday of fools. % -If A = B and B = C, then A = C, except where void or prohibited by law. - -- Roy Santoro -% -If a camel is a horse designed by a committee, then a consensus forecast -is a camel's behind. - -- Edgar R. Fiedler -% If a can of Alpo costs 38 cents, would it cost $2.50 in Dog Dollars? % If a child annoys you, quiet him by brushing their hair. If this doesn't @@ -23777,25 +19312,14 @@ work, use the other side of the brush on the other end of the child. If A fool persists in his folly he shall become wise. -- William Blake % -If a group of N persons implements a COBOL compiler, -there will be N-1 passes. Someone in the group has to be the manager. - -- T. Cheatham -% If a guru falls in the forest with no one to hear him, was he really a guru at all? -- Strange de Jim, "The Metasexuals" % -If a jury in a criminal trial stays out for more than twenty-four hours, it -is certain to vote acquittal, save in those instances where it votes guilty. - -- Joseph C. Goulden -% IF A KID ASKS YOU where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is, "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is, "Probably because of something you did." - -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. -% -If a listener nods his head when you're -explaining your program, wake him up. + -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican", 1988. % If a man has a strong faith he can indulge in the luxury of skepticism. -- Friedrich Nietzsche @@ -23829,12 +19353,6 @@ and (c) gets better, then no power of reasoning known to medical science can convince him that it may not have been the treatment that restored his health. -- Sir Peter Medawar, "The Art of the Soluble" % -If a putt passes over the hole without dropping, it is deemed to have dropped. -The law of gravity holds that any object attempting to maintain a position -in the atmosphere without something to support it must drop. The law of -gravity supersedes the law of golf. - -- Donald A. Metz -% If a shameless woman expects to be defiled and then dies of her fierce love because you do not consent, will chastity also be homicide? -- Saint Augustine @@ -23867,18 +19385,11 @@ that users can hear its key clicks and biff beeps, they are content to die of old age without ever having gone to see it. % -If a team is in a positive frame of mind, it will have a good attitude. -If it has a good attitude, it will make a commitment to playing the -game right. If it plays the game right, it will win -- unless, of -course, it doesn't have enough talent to win, and no manager can make -goose-liver pate out of goose feathers, so why worry? - -- Sparky Anderson -% If a thing's worth doing, it is worth doing badly. - -- G.K. Chesterton + -- G. K. Chesterton % If a thing's worth having, it's worth cheating for. - -- W.C. Fields + -- W. C. Fields % If a train station is a place where a train stops, what's a workstation? % @@ -23887,15 +19398,6 @@ to get a "fix" of something, to its own detriment, then I would conclude that netnews is far more addictive than cocaine. -- Rob Stampfli % -If all be true that I do think, -There be five reasons why one should drink; -Good friends, good wine, or being dry, -Or lest we should be by-and-by, -Or any other reason why. -% -If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular error. - -- John Kenneth Galbraith -% If all else fails, lower your standards. % If all men were brothers, would you let one marry your sister? @@ -23912,17 +19414,10 @@ These would not suffice To write down all the red tape Of this Government. % -If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door. - -- Paul Beatty -% -If all the world's economists were laid end to end, -we wouldn't reach a conclusion. - -- William Baumol -% If an average person on the subway turns to you, like an ancient mariner, and starts telling you her tale, you turn away or nod and hope she stops, not just because you fear she might be crazy. If she tells her tale on -camera, you might listen. Watching strangers on television , even +camera, you might listen. Watching strangers on television, even responding to them from a studio audience, we're disengaged - voyeurs collaborating with exhibitionists in rituals of sham community. Never have so many known so much about people for whom they cared so little. @@ -23931,16 +19426,6 @@ have so many known so much about people for whom they cared so little. % If an experiment works, something has gone wrong. % -If an S and an I and an O and a U -With an X at the end spell Su; -And an E and a Y and an E spell I, -Pray what is a speller to do? -Then, if also an S and an I and a G -And an HED spell side, -There's nothing much left for a speller to do -But to go commit siouxeyesighed. - -- Charles Follen Adams, "An Orthographic Lament" -% If any demonstrator ever lays down in front of my car, it'll be the last car he ever lays down in front of. -- George Wallace @@ -23954,25 +19439,21 @@ We're offering a substantial reward. He's a sable collie, with three legs, blind in his left eye, is missing part of his right ear and the tip of his tail. He's been recently fixed. Answers to "Lucky". % -If anything can go wrong, it will. -% If at first you do succeed, try to hide your astonishment. % If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. % If at first you don't succeed, quit; don't be a nut about success. % -If at first you don't succeed, redefine success. -% If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. - -- W.E. Hickson + -- W. E. Hickson % If at first you don't succeed, try try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it. % If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it. - -- W.C. Fields + -- W. C. Fields [Also attributed to Roy Mengot. Ed.] % @@ -23990,9 +19471,6 @@ I have no doubt, and I think few people doubt, that atheists are as plentiful as blackberries. -- Leslie Stephen % -If bankers can count, how come they have -eight windows and only four tellers? -% If Beethoven's Seventh Symphony is not by some means abridged, it will soon fall into disuse. -- Philip Hale, Boston music critic, 1837 @@ -24019,8 +19497,6 @@ If computers take over (which seems to be their natural tendency), it will serve us right. -- Alistair Cooke % -If dolphins are so smart, why did Flipper work for television? -% If England treats her criminals the way she has treated me, she doesn't deserve to have any. -- Oscar Wilde, reportedly while standing handcuffed in a @@ -24039,7 +19515,7 @@ no middleman. % If every kid had a funny tooth to bite down on whenever the world disappointed him, prussic acid could solve our population problems in one generation. - -- G.C. Edmonson's Albert, "The Man Who Corrupted Earth" + -- G. C. Edmonson's Albert, "The Man Who Corrupted Earth" % If everything on the road of life seems to be coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. @@ -24067,25 +19543,9 @@ If God had a beard, he'd be a UNIX programmer. % If God had intended Man to program, we'd be born with serial I/O ports. % -If God had intended Man to Smoke, He would have set him on Fire. -% If God had intended man to use the metric system, Jesus would have only had ten disciples. % -If God had intended Man to Walk, He would have given him Feet. -% -If God had intended Man to Watch TV, He would have given him Rabbit Ears. -% -If God had intended Men to Smoke, He would have put Chimneys in their Heads. -% -If God had meant for us to be in the Army, -we would have been born with green, baggy skin. -% -If God had meant for us to be naked, we would have been born that way. -% -If God had not given us sticky tape, -it would have been necessary to invent it. -% If God had really intended men to fly, he'd make it easier to get to the airport. -- George Winters @@ -24097,25 +19557,12 @@ have made them cute and furry. If God had wanted us to use the metric system, Jesus would have had only ten apostles. % -If God had wanted you to go around nude, -He would have given you bigger hands. -% If God hadn't wanted you to be paranoid, He wouldn't have given you such a vivid imagination. % -If God is dead, who will save the Queen? -% If God is One, what is bad? -- Charles Manson % -If God is perfect, why did He create discontinuous functions? -% -If God lived on Earth, people would knock out all His windows. - -- Yiddish saying -% -If God wanted us to be brave, why did he give us legs? - -- Marvin Kitman -% If God wanted us to have a President, He would have sent us a candidate. -- Jerry Dreshfield @@ -24123,8 +19570,6 @@ He would have sent us a candidate. If graphics hackers are so smart, why can't they get the bugs out of fresh paint? % -If guns are outlawed, how will we shoot the liberals? -% If happiness is in your destiny, you need not be in a hurry. -- Chinese proverb % @@ -24177,16 +19622,6 @@ Would it help to ease the pain? Ease your brain? -- Rolling Stones, "It's Only Rock'N Roll" % -If I don't drive around the park, -I'm pretty sure to make my mark. -If I'm in bed each night by ten, -I may get back my looks again. -If I abstain from fun and such, -I'll probably amount to much; -But I shall stay the way I am, -Because I do not give a damn. - -- Dorothy Parker -% If I had a formula for bypassing trouble, I would not pass it around. Trouble creates a capacity to handle it. I don't say embrace trouble; that's as bad as treating it as an enemy. But I do say meet it as a friend, for @@ -24197,14 +19632,7 @@ If *I* had a hammer, there'd be no more folk singers. % IF I HAD A MINE SHAFT, I don't think I would just abandon it. There's got to be a better way. - -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. -% -If I had a plantation in Georgia and a home in Hell, -I'd sell the plantation and go home. - -- Eugene P. Gallagher -% -If I had any humility I would be perfect. - -- Ted Turner + -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican", 1988. % If I had done everything I'm credited with, I'd be speaking to you from a laboratory jar at Harvard. @@ -24230,9 +19658,6 @@ earlier in the spring and stay that way later in the fall. I would play hooky more. I probably wouldn't make such good grades, but I'd learn more. I would ride on more merry-go-rounds. I'd pick more daisies. % -If I had only known, I would have been a locksmith. - -- Albert Einstein -% If I had to live my life again, I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner. -- Tallulah Bankhead % @@ -24270,10 +19695,7 @@ I would send a barrel or so to my other generals. -- Abraham Lincoln, on General Grant % If I love you, what business is it of yours? - -- Goethe -% -If I love you, what business is it of yours? - -- Johann van Goethe + -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe % If I made peace with Russia today, I'd only attack her again tomorrow. I just couldn't help myself. @@ -24284,16 +19706,10 @@ If I promised you the moon and the stars, would you believe it? % If I set here and stare at nothing long enough, people might think I'm an engineer working on something. - -- S.R. McElroy + -- S. R. McElroy % If I told you you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me? % -If I traveled to the end of the rainbow -As Dame Fortune did intend, -Murphy would be there to tell me -The pot's at the other end. - -- Bert Whitney -% If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary form. % If I were a grave-digger or even a hangman, there are some people I could @@ -24327,8 +19743,6 @@ If it happens once, it's a bug. If it happens twice, it's a feature. If it happens more than twice, it's a design philosophy. % -If it has syntax, it isn't user friendly. -% If it has syntax, it isn't user-friendly. % If it heals good, say it. @@ -24369,19 +19783,12 @@ If it doesn't work, it's physics. % If it's not in the computer, it doesn't exist. % -If it's Tuesday, this must be someone else's fortune. -% If it's worth doing, do it for money. % If it's worth doing, it's worth doing for money. % If it's worth hacking on well, it's worth hacking on for money. % -If Jesus Christ were to come today, people would not even crucify him. -They would ask him to dinner, and hear what he had to say, and make -fun of it. - -- Thomas Carlyle -% If just one piece of mail gets lost, well, they'll just think they forgot to send it. But if *two* pieces of mail get lost, hell, they'll just think the other guy hasn't gotten around to answering his mail. And if *fifty* pieces @@ -24397,17 +19804,11 @@ had made a lot of Capital, it would have been much better. % If life gives you lemons, make lemonade. % -If life is a stage, I want some better lighting. -% If life is merely a joke, the question still remains: for whose amusement? % If life isn't what you wanted, have you asked for anything else? % -If little green men land in your back yard, hide any little green women -you've got in the house. - -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" -% If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question? -- Lily Tomlin % @@ -24422,9 +19823,6 @@ If Machiavelli were a programmer, he'd have worked for AT&T. If man is only a little lower than the angels, the angels should reform. -- Mary Wilson Little % -If mathematically you end up with the wrong -answer, try multiplying by the page number. -% If men acted after marriage as they do during courtship, there would be fewer divorces -- and more bankruptcies. -- Frances Rodman @@ -24445,17 +19843,7 @@ If you try to cut wood like a master carpenter, % If more of us valued food and cheer and song above hoarded gold, it would be a merrier world. - -- J.R.R. Tolkien -% -If once a man indulges himself in murder, very soon he comes to think little -of robbing; and from robbing he next comes to drinking and Sabbath-breaking, -and from that to incivility and procrastination. - -- Thomas De Quincey (1785 - 1859) -% -If once a man indulges himself in murder, very soon he comes to think -little of robbing; and from robbing he next comes to drinking and -Sabbath-breaking, and from that to incivility and procrastination. - -- Thomas De Quincey + -- J. R. R. Tolkien % If one cannot enjoy reading a book over and over again, there is no use in reading it at all. @@ -24478,13 +19866,6 @@ If one tells the truth, one is sure, sooner or later, to be found out. If only Dionysus were alive! Where would he eat? -- Woody Allen % -If only God would give me some clear sign! -Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank. - -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" -% -If only one could get that wonderful feeling of -accomplishment without having to accomplish anything. -% If only you could be respected without having to be respectable. % If only you had a personality instead of an attitude. @@ -24495,7 +19876,7 @@ face the uncertainty of whether you love her. If opportunity came disguised as temptation, one knock would be enough. % If parents would only realize how they bore their children. - -- G.B. Shaw + -- George Bernard Shaw % If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed. @@ -24559,12 +19940,6 @@ pool cues, who would win? If sarcasm were posted on Usenet, would anybody notice? -- James Nicoll % -If scientific reasoning were limited to the logical processes of -arithmetic, we should not get very far in our understanding of the physical -world. One might as well attempt to grasp the game of poker entirely by -the use of the mathematics of probability. - -- Vannevar Bush -% If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to? -- Bette Midler @@ -24575,7 +19950,7 @@ Their romance might have flourished. But he built tetrahedral in his shape, His ions ferric, Love could not help but die, -Uncatylised, inert, and undernourished. +Uncatalyzed, inert, and undernourished. % If society fits you comfortably enough, you call it freedom. -- Robert Frost @@ -24583,10 +19958,6 @@ If society fits you comfortably enough, you call it freedom. If some people didn't tell you, you'd never know they'd been away on vacation. % -If someone had told me I would be Pope -one day, I would have studied harder. - -- Pope John Paul I -% If someone says he will do something "without fail", he won't. % If something has not yet gone wrong then it would @@ -24608,29 +19979,11 @@ If the church put in half the time on covetousness that it does on lust, this would be a better world. -- Garrison Keillor, "Lake Wobegon Days" % -If the code and the comments disagree, then both are probably wrong. - -- Norm Schryer -% -If the colleges were better, if they really had it, you would need to get -the police at the gates to keep order in the inrushing multitude. See in -college how we thwart the natural love of learning by leaving the natural -method of teaching what each wishes to learn, and insisting that you shall -learn what you have no taste or capacity for. The college, which should -be a place of delightful labor, is made odious and unhealthy, and the -young men are tempted to frivolous amusements to rally their jaded spirits. -I would have the studies elective. Scholarship is to be created not -by compulsion, but by awakening a pure interest in knowledge. The wise -instructor accomplishes this by opening to his pupils precisely the -attractions the study has for himself. The marking is a system for schools, -not for the college; for boys, not for men; and it is an ungracious work to -put on a professor. - -- Ralph Waldo Emerson -% If the designers of X-window built cars, there would be no fewer than five steering wheels hidden about the cockpit, none of which followed the same principles -- but you'd be able to shift gears with your car stereo. Useful feature, that. - -- From the programming notebooks of a heretic, 1990. + -- From the programming notebooks of a heretic, 1990 % If the ends don't justify the means, then what does? -- Robert Moses @@ -24674,9 +20027,6 @@ If the Nazi's had television with satellite technology, we'd all be goose-stepping. Americans are just as suggestible. -- Frank Zappa % -If the odds are a million to one against something -occurring, chances are 50-50 it will. -% If the path be beautiful, let us not ask where it leads. -- Anatole France % @@ -24700,14 +20050,6 @@ paper folding, or something. If the very old will remember, the very young will listen. -- Chief Dan George % -If the weather is extremely bad, church attendance will be down. -If the weather is extremely good, church attendance will be down. -If the bulletin covers are in short supply, however, -church attendance will exceed all expectations. - -- Reverend Chichester -% -If there are epigrams, there must be meta-epigrams. -% If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong. @@ -24726,9 +20068,6 @@ If there is any realistic deterrent to marriage, it's the fact that you can't afford divorce. -- Jack Nicholson % -If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex? - -- Art Hoppe -% If there is no wind, row. -- Polish proverb % @@ -24756,14 +20095,8 @@ him because they don't like his necktie. -- Attorney General William Saxbe % If things don't improve soon, you'd better ask them to stop helping you. -% -If this fortune didn't exist, somebody would have invented it. -% -If this is timesharing, give me my share right now. It's not time yet. % -If time heals all wounds, how come the belly button stays the same? -% If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library? -- Lily Tomlin % @@ -24833,18 +20166,13 @@ If what they've been doing hasn't solved the problem, tell them to do something else. -- Gerald Weinberg, "The Secrets of Consulting" % -If while you are in school, there is a shortage of qualified personnel -in a particular field, then by the time you graduate with the necessary -qualifications, that field's employment market is glutted. - -- Marguerite Emmons -% If wishes were horses, then beggars would be thieves. % If women are supposed to be less rational and more emotional at the beginning of our menstrual cycle, when the female hormone is at its lowest level, then why isn't it logical to say that in those few days women behave the most like the way men behave all month long? - -- Gloria Steinham + -- Gloria Steinem % If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning. -- Aristotle Onassis @@ -24908,33 +20236,18 @@ If you are what you eat, does that mean Euelle Gibbons really was a nut? If you aren't rich you should always look useful. -- Louis-Ferdinand Celine % -If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars. - -- J. Paul Getty -% If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs, then you clearly don't understand the situation. % -If you can lead it to water and force it to drink, it isn't a horse. -% -If you can survive death, you can probably survive anything. -% -If you cannot convince them, confuse them. - -- Harry S. Truman -% If you cannot in the long run tell everyone what you have been doing, your doing was worthless. - -- Edwim Schrodinger -% -If you can't be good, be careful. -If you can't be careful, give me a call. + -- Edwin Schrodinger % If you can't convince them, confuse them. -- Harry S. Truman % If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights. % -If you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly. -% If you can't read this, blame a teacher. % If you can't say anything good about someone, sit right here by me. @@ -24950,8 +20263,6 @@ If you continually give you will continually have. If you could only get that wonderful feeling of accomplishment without having to accomplish anything. % -If you didn't get caught, did you really do it? -% If you didn't have most of your friends, you wouldn't have most of your problems. % @@ -24967,8 +20278,6 @@ it; for the more men talk, the more likely they are to do nothing else. % If you do something right once, someone will ask you to do it again. % -If you don't care where you are, then you ain't lost. -% If you don't count some of Jehovah's injunctions, there are no humorists in the Bible. -- Mordecai Richler @@ -24980,9 +20289,6 @@ If you don't do the things that are not worth doing, who will? % If you don't drink it, someone else will. % -If you don't go to other men's funerals they won't go to yours. - -- Clarence Day -% If you don't have the time right now, will you have redo right time later? % @@ -25002,12 +20308,12 @@ If you don't strike oil in twenty minutes, stop boring. If you drink, don't park. Accidents make people. % If you ever want to have a lot of fun, I recommend that you go off and program -an imbedded system. The salient characteristic of an imbedded system is that +an embedded system. The salient characteristic of an embedded system is that it cannot be allowed to get into a state from which only direct intervention -will suffice to remove it. An imbedded system can't permanently trust anything +will suffice to remove it. An embedded system can't permanently trust anything it hears from the outside world. It must sniff around, adapt, consider, sniff around, and adapt again. I'm not talking about ordinary modular programming -carefulness here. No. Programming an imbedded system calls for undiluted +carefulness here. No. Programming an embedded system calls for undiluted raging maniacal paranoia. For example, our ethernet front ends need to know what network number they are on so that they can address and route PUPs properly. How do you find out what your network number is? Easy, you ask a @@ -25041,14 +20347,6 @@ enough, it will eventually break. % If you give a man enough rope, he'll claim he's tied up at the office. % -If you give Congress a chance to vote on -both sides of an issue, it will always do it. - -- Les Aspin, D, Wisconsin -% -If you go on with this nuclear arms race, -all you are going to do is make the rubble bounce. - -- Winston Churchill -% If you go out of your mind, do it quietly, so as not to disturb those around you. % @@ -25069,8 +20367,6 @@ Like another chance. If you hands are clean and your cause is just and your demands are reasonable, at least it's a start. % -If you have a procedure with 10 parameters, you probably missed some. -% If you have never been hated by your child, you have never been a parent. -- Bette Davis % @@ -25097,8 +20393,6 @@ If you have to ask how much it is, you can't afford it. If you have to ask what jazz is, you'll never know. -- Louis Armstrong % -If you have to hate, hate gently. -% If you have to think twice about it, you're wrong. % If you haven't enjoyed the material in the last few lectures then a career @@ -25110,14 +20404,6 @@ If you hype something and it succeeds, you're a genius -- it wasn't a hype. If you hype it and it fails, then it was just a hype. -- Neil Bogart % -If you just try long enough and hard enough, you can always manage to boot -yourself in the posterior. - -- A.J. Liebling, "The Press" -% -If you just try long enough and hard enough, you can always manage to -boot yourself in the posterior. - -- A.J. Liebling -% If you keep an open mind people will throw a lot of garbage in it. % If you keep your mind sufficiently open, people will throw a lot of @@ -25141,16 +20427,9 @@ If you learn one useless thing every day, in a single year you'll learn % If you liked the Earth you'll love Heaven. % -If you live in a country run by committee, be on the committee. - -- Graham Summer -% If you live long enough, you'll see that every victory turns into a defeat. -- Simone De Beauvoir % -If you live to the age of a hundred you have it made -because very few people die past the age of a hundred. - -- George Burns -% If you lived today as if it were your last, you'd buy up a box of rockets and fire them all off, wouldn't you? -- Garrison Keillor @@ -25168,9 +20447,6 @@ but there's only one Maltese Falcon. If you lose your temper at a newspaper columnist, he'll get rich, or famous or both. % -If you lose your temper at a newspaper columnist, -he'll get rich or famous or both. -% If you love someone, set them free. If they don't come back, then call them up when you're drunk. % @@ -25184,16 +20460,10 @@ If you make any money, the government shoves you in the creek once a year with it in your pockets, and all that don't get wet you can keep. -- The Best of Will Rogers % -If you make people think they're thinking, they'll love you; -but if you really make them think they'll hate you. -% If you marry a man who cheats on his wife, you'll be married to a man who cheats on his wife. -- Ann Landers % -If you meet somebody who tells you that he loves you more than anybody -in the whole wide world, don't trust him. It means he experiments. -% If you mess with a thing long enough, it'll break. -- Schmidt % @@ -25208,19 +20478,11 @@ Just put your lips together and blow. If you notice that a person is deceiving you, they must not be deceiving you very well. % -If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not -bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man. - -- Mark Twain -% -If you push the "extra ice" button on the soft drink vending machine, -you won't get any ice. If you push the "no ice" button, you'll get -ice, but no cup. -% If you put it off long enough, it might go away. % If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out but tomfoolery. But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine, -is somehow enobled and no-one dare criticise it. +is somehow ennobled and no-one dare criticise it. -- Pierre Gallois % If you put your supper dish to your ear you can hear the sounds of a @@ -25260,12 +20522,6 @@ If you stew apples like cranberries, they taste more like prunes than rhubarb does. -- Groucho Marx % -If you stick a stock of liquor in your locker, -It is slick to stick a lock upon your stock. -Or some joker who is slicker, -Will trick you of your liquor, -If you fail to lock your liquor with a lock. -% If you stick your head in the sand, one thing is for sure, you're gonna get your rear kicked. % @@ -25284,23 +20540,10 @@ If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything. % If you think before you speak the other guy gets his joke in first. % -If you think education is expensive, try ignorance. - -- Derek Bok, president of Harvard -% -If you think last Tuesday was a drag, -wait till you see what happens tomorrow! -% -If you think nobody cares if you're alive, -try missing a couple of car payments. - -- Earl Wilson -% If you think the pen is mightier than the sword, the next time someone pulls out a sword I'd like to see you get up there with your Bic. % -If you think the problem is bad now, just wait until we've solved it. - -- Arthur Kasspe -% If you think the system is working, ask someone who's waiting for a prompt. % @@ -25311,36 +20554,16 @@ who built the largest shopping center in the world? If you think things can't get worse it's probably only because you lack sufficient imagination. % -If you throw a New Year's Party, the worst thing that you can do would be -to throw the kind of party where your guests wake up today, and call you to -say they had a nice time. Now you'll be be expected to throw another party -next year. - What you should do is throw the kind of party where your guest wake - up several days from now and call their lawyers to find out if -they've been indicted for anything. You want your guests to be so anxious -to avoid a recurrence of your party that they immediately start planning -parties of their own, a year in advance, just to prevent you from having -another one ... - If your party is successful, the police will knock on your door, -unless your party is very successful in which case they will lob tear gas -through your living room window. As host, your job is to make sure that -they don't arrest anybody. Or if they're dead set on arresting someone, -your job is to make sure it isn't you ... - -- Dave Barry -% If you took all of the grains of sand in the world, and lined them up end to end in a row, you'd be working for the government! -- Mr. Interesting % -If you took all the students that felt asleep in class and laid them -end to end, they'd be a lot more comfortable. -% If you took all the women at the Harvard Prom and laid them end to end, I wouldn't be a bit surprised. -- Dorothy Parker % If you treat people right they will treat you right -- 90% of the time. - -- F.D. Roosevelt + -- F. D. Roosevelt % If you try to please everyone, somebody is not going to like it. % @@ -25355,7 +20578,7 @@ If you want to be ruined, marry a rich woman. -- Michelet % If you want to get rich from writing, write the sort of thing that's -read by persons who move their lips when the're reading to themselves. +read by persons who move their lips when they're reading to themselves. -- Don Marquis % If you want to know how old a man is, ask his brother-in-law. @@ -25372,21 +20595,6 @@ books. If you want to see card tricks, you have to expect to take cards. -- Harry Blackstone % -If you want to understand your government, don't begin by reading the -Constitution. It conveys precious little of the flavor of today's statecraft. -Instead, read selected portions of the Washington telephone directory -containing listings for all the organizations with titles beginning with -the word "National". - -- George Will -% -If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word -you say, talk in your sleep. -% -If you wants to get elected president, you'se got to think up some -memoraboble homily so's school kids can be pestered into memorizin' -it, even if they don't know what it means. - -- Walt Kelly -% If you waste your time cooking, you'll miss the next meal. % If you will practice being fictional for a while, you will understand that @@ -25397,7 +20605,7 @@ If you wish to be happy for one hour, get drunk. If you wish to be happy for three days, get married. If you wish to be happy for a month, kill your pig and eat it. If you wish to be happy forever, learn to fish. - -- Chinese Proverb + -- Chinese proverb % If you wish to succeed, consult three old people. % @@ -25420,7 +20628,7 @@ If you do that, you are loosening the tendrils that are holding you to the If you would keep a secret from an enemy, tell it not to a friend. % If you would know the value of money, go try to borrow some. - -- Ben Franklin + -- Benjamin Franklin % If you would understand your own age, read the works of fiction produced in it. People in disguise speak freely. @@ -25435,7 +20643,7 @@ If your bread is stale, make toast. % If your enemy is buried in quicksand up to his neck, pull him out. If he is buried up to his eyes, step on his head. - -- Niccoli Machiavelli, "The Prince" + -- Niccolo Machiavelli, "The Prince" % If your happiness depends on what somebody else does, I guess you do have a problem. @@ -25452,10 +20660,6 @@ If your sexual fantasies were truly of interest to others, they would no longer be fantasies. -- Fran Lebowitz % -If you're a real good kid, I'll give you a -piggy-back ride on a buzz-saw. - -- W.C. Fields -% If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's real embarrassing if someone tries to kill you. -- Jack Handey @@ -25472,41 +20676,19 @@ you're cooperating with the treatment. If you're crossing the nation in a covered wagon, it's better to have four strong oxen than 100 chickens. Chickens are OK but we can't make them work together yet. - -- Ross Bott, Pyramid U.S., on multiprocessors at AUUGM '89. + -- Ross Bott, Pyramid U.S., on multiprocessors at AUUGM '89 % If you're going to America, bring your own food. -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies" % -If you're going to do something tonight -that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late. - -- Henny Youngman -% If you're going to walk on thin ice, you might as well dance. % -If you're happy, you're successful. -% -If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate. -% -If you're not very clever you should be conciliatory. - -- Benjamin Disraeli -% If you're worried by earthquakes and nuclear war, As well as by traffic and crime, Consider how worry-free gophers are, Though living on burrowed time. -- Richard Armour, WSJ, 11/7/83 % -If you've done six impossible things before breakfast, why not round it -off with dinner at Milliway's, the restaurant at the end of the universe. -% -If you've seen one redwood, you've seen them all. - -- Ronald Reagan -% -ignisecond, n: - The overlapping moment of time when the hand is locking the car - door even as the brain is saying, "my keys are in there!" - -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" -% IGNORANCE: When you don't know anything, and someone else finds out. % @@ -25550,7 +20732,7 @@ in the right place, but their head is a thoroughly inefficient organ. -- W. Somerset Maugham, "The Summing Up" % I'll grant thee random access to my heart, -Thoul't tell me all the constants of thy love; +Thou'lt tell me all the constants of thy love; And so we two shall all love's lemmas prove And in our bound partition never part. @@ -25595,17 +20777,11 @@ Immigration is the sincerest form of flattery. Illegitimi non carborundum (translation: no carbonated drinks allowed.) % -Illinois isn't exactly the land that God forgot: -it's more like the land He's trying to ignore. -% Illiterate? Write today, for free help! % Illusion is the first of all pleasures. -- Voltaire % -I'm a creationist; I refuse to believe -that I could have evolved from man. -% "I'm a doctor, not a mechanic." -- "The Doomsday Machine", when asked if he had heard of the idea of a doomsday machine. @@ -25613,10 +20789,10 @@ that I could have evolved from man. -- "Friday's Child", when asked to help the very pregnant Ellen up a steep incline. "I'm a doctor, not a bricklayer." - -- Devil in the Dark", when asked to patch up the Horta. + -- "Devil in the Dark", when asked to patch up the Horta. "I'm a doctor, not an engineer." -- "Mirror, Mirror", when asked by Scotty for help in - Engineering aboard the ISS Enterprise. + Engineering aboard the USS Enterprise. "I'm a doctor, not a coalminer." -- "The Empath", on being beneath the surface of Minara 2. "I'm a surgeon, not a psychiatrist." @@ -25636,9 +20812,6 @@ I'm a lucky guy, and I'm happy to be with the Yankees. And I want to thank everyone for making this night necessary. -- Yogi Berra at a dinner in his honor % -I'm all for computer dating, but I -wouldn't want one to marry my sister. -% I'm also inclined to believe that if you wait long enough, you will eventually have more than 255 of almost *anything*.... -- A. Lyman Chapin @@ -25684,16 +20857,9 @@ I'm dying beyond my means. "Where did you get this meat?" he bridled hoarsely. -- Gyles Brandreth, "The Joy of Lex" % -I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in. - -- George McGovern -% I'm for bringing back the birch, but only for consenting adults. -- Gore Vidal % -I'm for peace -- I've yet to see a man wake up in the morning and say "I've -just had a good war. - -- Mae West -% I'm free -- and freedom tastes of reality. % I'm glad I was not born before tea. @@ -25719,9 +20885,6 @@ it with you. > In New York there are a million interesting people. > And in LA there are 72. % -I'm going to Boston to see my doctor. He's a very sick man. - -- Fred Allen -% I'm going to give my psychoanalyst one more year, then I'm going to Lourdes. -- Woody Allen % @@ -25743,23 +20906,8 @@ Please say that you're not mad at me My tax return is late. -- Modern Lines for Modern Greeting Cards % -I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be -living apart. - -- E.E. Cummings -% -I'm N-ary the tree, I am, -N-ary the tree, I am, I am. -I'm getting traversed by the parser next door, -She's traversed me seven times before. -And ev'ry time it was an N-ary (N-ary!) -Never wouldn't ever do a binary. (No sir!) -I'm 'er eighth tree that was N-ary. -N-ary the tree I am, I am, -N-ary the tree I am. - -- Stolen from Paul Revere and the Raiders -% I'm not a lovable man. - -- Richard Nixon. + -- Richard Nixon % I'm not a real movie star -- I've still got the same wife I started out with twenty-eight years ago. @@ -25795,10 +20943,6 @@ I'm not the person your mother warned you about... her imagination isn't that good. -- Amy Gorin % -I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol -that some thinkle peep I am. -It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get. -% I'm often asked the question, "Do you think there is extraterrestrial intelli- gence?" I give the standard arguments -- there are a lot of places out there, and use the word *billions*, and so on. And then I say it would be astonishing @@ -25809,13 +20953,6 @@ what's your gut feeling?" But I try not to think with my gut. Really, it's okay to reserve judgment until the evidence is in. -- Carl Sagan % -I'm prepared for all emergencies but -totally unprepared for everyday life. -% -I'm proud to be paying taxes in the United States. The only thing is --- I could be just as proud for half the money. - -- Arthur Godfrey -% I'm really enjoying not talking to you... Let's not talk again REAL soon... % @@ -25840,34 +20977,12 @@ a customer. "Let me wrap your head in a towel." "That's all right," said the customer. "I'll just take it home under my arm." % -I'm very good at integral and differential calculus, -I know the scientific names of beings animalculous; -In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral, -I am the very model of a modern Major-General. - -- Gilbert & Sullivan, "The Pirates of Penzance" -% I'm very old-fashioned. I believe that people should marry for life, like pigeons and Catholics. -- Woody Allen % Imagination is more important than knowledge. - -- A. Einstein -% -Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality. - -- Jules de Gaultier -% -Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual -way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of -complaining. - -- Jeff Raskin -% -Imagine that Cray computer decides to make a personal computer. It has a -150 MHz processor, 200 megabytes of RAM, 1500 megabytes of disk storage, a -screen resolution of 1024 x 1024 pixels, relies entirely on voice recognition -for input, fits in your shirt pocket and costs $300. What's the first -question that the computer community asks? - -"Is it PC compatible?" + -- Albert Einstein % Imagine there's no heaven... it's easy if you try. -- John Lennon, "Imagine" @@ -25894,24 +21009,13 @@ Immature artists imitate, mature artists steal. -- Lionel Trilling % Immature poets imitate, mature poets steal. - -- T.S. Eliot, "Philip Massinger" -% -Immigration is the sincerest form of flattery. - -- Jack Paar -% -Immortality -- a fate worse than death. - -- Edgar A. Shoaff + -- T. S. Eliot, "Philip Massinger" % Immutability, Three Rules of: (1) If a tarpaulin can flap, it will. (2) If a small boy can get dirty, he will. (3) If a teenager can go out, he will. % -IMPARTIAL: - Unable to perceive any promise of personal advantage from - espousing either side of a controversy or adopting either of two - conflicting opinions. -% Important letters which contain no errors will develop errors in the mail. Corresponding errors will show up in the duplicate while the Boss is reading it. Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by spontaneously moving @@ -25952,9 +21056,6 @@ humidifier for a mid-range computer but manages to tie it into the network anyway. -- The 5th Wave % -In a five year period we can get one superb programming language. -Only we can't control when the five year period will begin. -% In a gathering of two or more people, when a lighted cigarette is placed in an ashtray, the smoke will waft into the face of the non-smoker. % @@ -25971,7 +21072,7 @@ have not yet reached their level of incompetence. In a minimum-phase system there is an inextricable link between frequency response, phase response and transient response, as they are all merely transforms of one another. This combined with -minimalization of open-loop errors in output amplifiers and correct +minimization of open-loop errors in output amplifiers and correct compensation for non-linear passive crossover network loading can lead to a significant decrease in system resolution lost. However, this all means jack when you listen to Pink Floyd. @@ -25985,10 +21086,6 @@ superior to Tops10. In a whiskey it's age, in a cigarette it's taste and in a sports car it's impossible. % -In America any boy may become President, and I suppose that's just the -risk he takes. - -- Adlai Stevenson -% In America, it's not how much an item costs, it's how much you save. % In an age when the fashion is to be in love with yourself, confessing to @@ -26002,16 +21099,9 @@ In any country there must be people who have to die. They are the sacrifices any nation has to make to achieve law and order. -- Idi Amin Dada % -In any formula, constants (especially those obtained from handbooks) -are to be treated as variables. -% In any problem, if you find yourself doing an infinite amount of work, the answer may be obtained by inspection. % -In any world menu, Canada must be considered the vichyssoise of nations -- -it's cold, half-French, and difficult to stir. - -- Stuart Keate -% IN BOX: A catch basin for everything you don't want to deal with, but are afraid to throw away. @@ -26039,17 +21129,11 @@ it into television shows. % In case of atomic attack, all work rules will be temporarily suspended. % -In case of atomic attack, the federal ruling -against prayer in schools will be temporarily canceled. -% In case of fire, stand in the hall and shout "Fire!" -- The Kidner Report % In case of fire, yell "FIRE!" % -In case of injury notify your superior immediately. -He'll kiss it and make it better. -% In charity there is no excess. -- Francis Bacon % @@ -26063,9 +21147,6 @@ This is called Monotony. % In computing, the mean time to failure keeps getting shorter. % -In defeat, unbeatable; in victory, unbearable. - -- W. Churchill, on General Montgomery -% In dwelling, be close to the land. In meditation, delve deep into the heart. In dealing with others, be gentle and kind. @@ -26074,9 +21155,6 @@ In work, be competent. In action, be careful of your timing. -- Lao Tsu % -In English, every word can be verbed. Would that it were so in our -programming languages. -% In every country and every age, the priest has been hostile to Liberty. -- Thomas Jefferson % @@ -26144,13 +21222,8 @@ afterwards that causes the problems. In Hollywood, if you don't have happiness, you send out for it. -- Rex Reed % -In India, "cold weather" is merely a conventional phrase and has come into -use through the necessity of having some way to distinguish between weather -which will melt a brass door-knob and weather which will only make it mushy. - -- Mark Twain -% In Italy, for thirty years under the Borgias, they had warfare, terror, -murder, and bloodshed, but they produced Michaelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci +murder, and bloodshed, but they produced Michelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci and the Renaissance. In Switzerland, they had brotherly love, they had five hundred years of democracy and peace -- and what did they produce? The cuckoo-clock. @@ -26200,11 +21273,11 @@ your left leg, it's modern architecture. % IN MY OPINION anyone interested in improving himself should not rule out becoming pure energy. - -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. + -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican", 1988. % In Nature there are neither rewards nor punishments, there are consequences. - -- R.G. Ingersoll + -- R. G. Ingersoll % In olden times sacrifices were made at the altar -- a practice which is still continued. @@ -26220,14 +21293,6 @@ In order to get a loan you must first prove you don't need it. In order to live free and happily, you must sacrifice boredom. It is not always an easy sacrifice. % -In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence -is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office. - -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" -% -In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, -intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption -from the cares of office. -% In Oz, never say "krizzle kroo" to a Woozy. % In Pierre Trudeau, Canada has finally produced @@ -26245,8 +21310,8 @@ want the other person. In San Francisco, Halloween is redundant. -- Will Durst % -In science it often happens that scientists say, 'You know that's a really -good argument; my position is mistaken,' and then they actually change +In science it often happens that scientists say, "You know that's a really +good argument; my position is mistaken," and then they actually change their minds and you never hear that old view from them again. They really do it. It doesn't happen as often as it should, because scientists are human and change is sometimes painful. But it happens every day. I cannot @@ -26264,12 +21329,6 @@ In success there's a tendency to keep on doing what you were doing. In the beginning there was nothing. And the Lord said "Let There Be Light!" And still there was nothing, but at least now you could see it. % -In the beginning was the word. -But by the time the second word was added to it, -There was trouble. -For with it came syntax ... - -- John Simon -% In the course of reading Hadamard's "The Psychology of Invention in the Mathematical Field", I have come across evidence supporting a fact which we coffee achievers have long appreciated: no really creative, @@ -26333,28 +21392,6 @@ In the first place, God made idiots; this was for practice; then he made school boards. -- Mark Twain % -In the force if Yoda's so strong, construct a sentence with words in -the proper order then why can't he? -% -In the force if Yoda's so strong, construct a sentence with words in -the proper order then why can't he? - - -I met him in a swamp down in Dagobah -Where it bubbles all the time like a giant cabinet soda - S-O-D-A soda -I saw the little runt sitting there on a log -I asked him his name and in a raspy voice he said Yoda - Y-O-D-A Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda - -Well I've been around but I ain't never seen -A guy who looks like a Muppet but he's wrinkled and green - Oh my Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda -Well I'm not dumb but I can't understand -How he can raise me in the air just by raising his hand - Oh my Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda - -- The STAR WARS Song, to "Lola", by the Kinks -% In the future, there will be fewer but better Russians. -- Joseph Stalin % @@ -26368,13 +21405,6 @@ In the highest society, as well as in the lowest, woman is merely an instrument of pleasure. -- Tolstoy % -In the land of the dark the Ship of the -Sun is driven by the Grateful Dead. - -- Egyptian Book of the Dead -% -In the long run, every program becomes rococco, and then rubble. - -- Alan Perlis -% In the long run we are all dead. -- John Maynard Keynes % @@ -26411,14 +21441,6 @@ the sound of those drums." Suddenly, they hear a cry come from the Indian camp: "IT'S NOT OUR REGULAR DRUMMER." % -In the olden days in England, you could be hung for stealing a sheep or a -loaf of bread. However, if a sheep stole a loaf of bread and gave it to -you, you would only be tried for receiving, a crime punishable by forty -lashes with the cat or the dog, whichever was handy. If you stole a dog -and were caught, you were punished with twelve rabbit punches, although it -was hard to find rabbits big enough or strong enough to punch you. - -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" -% In the plot, people came to the land; the land loved them; they worked and struggled and had lots of children. There was a Frenchman who talked funny and a greenhorn from England who was a fancy-pants but when it came to the @@ -26426,25 +21448,12 @@ crunch he was all courage. Those novels would make you retch. -- Canadian novelist Robertson Davies, on the generic Canadian novel. % -In the space of one hundred and seventy-six years the Mississippi has -shortened itself two hundred and forty-two miles. Therefore ... in the Old -Silurian Period the Mississippi River was upward of one million three hundred -thousand miles long ... seven hundred and forty-two years from now the -Mississippi will be only a mile and three-quarters long. ... There is -something fascinating about science. One gets such wholesome returns of -conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact. - -- Mark Twain -% In the Spring, I have counted 136 different kinds of weather inside of 24 hours. -- Mark Twain, on New England weather % In the stairway of life, you'd best take the elevator. % -In the Top 40, half the songs are secret messages to the teen world to drop -out, turn on, and groove with the chemicals and light shows at discotheques. - -- Art Linkletter -% In the war of wits, he's unarmed. % In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. @@ -26464,7 +21473,7 @@ In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes. % In this world of sin and sorrow there is always something to be thankful for; as for me, I rejoice that I am not a Republican. - -- H.L. Mencken + -- H. L. Mencken % In this world some people are going to like me and some are not. So, I may as well be me. Then I know if someone likes me, they like me. @@ -26477,7 +21486,7 @@ In this world, truth can wait; she's used to it. % In time, every post tends to be occupied by an employee who is incompetent to carry out its duties. - -- Dr. L.J. Peter + -- Dr. Laurence J. Peter % In /users3 did Kubla Kahn A stately pleasure dome decree, @@ -26510,7 +21519,7 @@ And there were gardens bright with sinuous rills, Where blossomed many an incense-bearing tree; And here were forest ancient as the hills, Enfolding sunny spots of greenery. - -- S.T. Coleridge, "Kubla Kahn" + -- Samuel T. Coleridge, "Kubla Kahn" % In youth, it was a way I had To do my best to please, @@ -26535,15 +21544,12 @@ Include me out. Increased knowledge will help you now. Have mate's phone bugged. % -INCUMBENT: - Person of liveliest interest to the outcumbents. -% Indecision is the true basis for flexibility. % Indeed, the first noble truth of Buddhism, usually translated as `all life is suffering,' is more accurately rendered `life is filled with a sense of pervasive unsatisfactoriness.' - -- M.D. Epstein + -- M. D. Epstein % INDEX: Alphabetical list of words of no possible interest where an @@ -26556,17 +21562,10 @@ is dedicated to coffee, angst, potholes and coffee. % Indifference will certainly be the downfall of mankind, but who cares? % -Individualists unite! -% Indomitable in retreat; invincible in advance; insufferable in victory. -- Winston Churchill, on General Montgomery % -infancy, n: - The period of our lives when, according to Wordsworth, "Heaven lies -about us." The world begins lying about us pretty soon afterward. - -- Ambrose Bierce -% Infidel: In New York, one who does not believe in the Christian religion; in Constantinople, one who does. -- Ambrose Bierce @@ -26632,18 +21631,11 @@ Inglish Spocken Hier: some mangled translations -- Colin Bowles, San Francisco Chronicle % -ingrate, n: - A man who bites the hand that feeds him, - and then complains of indigestion. -% -Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere. - -- Martin Luther King, Jr. -% ink, n: A villainous compound of tannogallate of iron, gum-arabic, and water, chiefly used to facilitate the infection of idiocy and promote intellectual crime. - -- H.L. Mencken + -- H. L. Mencken % Innocence ends when one is stripped of the delusion that one likes oneself. @@ -26652,9 +21644,6 @@ likes oneself. INNOVATE: Annoy people. % -Innovation is hard to schedule. - -- Dan Fylstra -% INNUENDO: Italian enema. % @@ -26662,11 +21651,6 @@ Insanity is considered a ground for divorce, though by the very same token it is the shortest detour to marriage. -- Wilson Mizner % -Insanity is inherited, you get it from your kids! -% -Insanity is the final defense. It's hard to get a refund when -the salesman is sniffing your crotch and baying at the moon. -% INSECURITY: Finding out that you've mispronounced for years one of your favorite words. @@ -26788,9 +21772,6 @@ Iowans ask why Minnesotans don't drink more Kool-Aid. That's because they can't figure out how to get two quarts of water into one of those little paper envelopes. % -Iron Law of Distribution: - Them that has, gets. -% IRONY: A windy day, when, just as a beautiful girl with a short skirt approaches, dust blows in your eyes. @@ -26799,7 +21780,7 @@ Is a computer language with goto's totally Wirth-less? % Is a person who blows up banks an econoclast? % -"Is a tatoo real, like a curb or a battleship? +"Is a tattoo real, like a curb or a battleship? Or are we suffering in Safeway?" -- Zippy the Pinhead % @@ -26807,10 +21788,6 @@ Is a wedding successful if it comes off without a hitch? % Is death legally binding? % -Is it possible that software is not like anything else, that it is -meant to be discarded: that the whole point is to always see it as -a soap bubble? -% Is it weird in here, or is it just me? -- Steven Wright % @@ -26845,10 +21822,6 @@ Isn't it conceivable to you that an intelligent person could harbor two opposing ideas in his mind? -- Adlai Stevenson, to reporters % -Isn't it interesting that the same people who laugh at science fiction -listen to weather forecasts and economists? - -- Kelvin Throop III -% Isn't it ironic that many men spend a great part of their lives avoiding marriage while single-mindedly pursuing those things that would make them better prospects? @@ -26857,18 +21830,9 @@ Isn't it nice that people who prefer Los Angeles to San Francisco live there? -- Herb Caen % -Isn't it strange that the same people that -laugh at gypsy fortune tellers take economists seriously? -% ISO applications: A solution in search of a problem! % -Issawi's Laws of Progress: - The Course of Progress: - Most things get steadily worse. - The Path of Progress: - A shortcut is the longest distance between two points. -% It appears that PL/I (and its dialects) is, or will be, the most widely used higher level language for systems programming. -- J. Sammet @@ -26896,7 +21860,7 @@ then some x has property P] expresses a logical law, since P(x) could stand for, let us say "x is a better logician than I am", and the statement "It is necessary that if someone is a better logician than I am then someone is a better logician than I am" is false because there need not have been any me. - -- A.N. Prior, "Time and Modality" + -- A. N. Prior, "Time and Modality" % It destroys one's nerves to be amiable every day to the same human being. -- Benjamin Disraeli @@ -26982,8 +21946,6 @@ It has been said that Public Relations is the art of winning friends and getting people under the influence. -- Jeremy Tunstall % -It has just been discovered that research causes cancer in rats. -% It has long been an article of our folklore that too much knowledge or skill, or especially consummate expertise, is a bad thing. It dehumanizes those who achieve it, and makes difficult their commerce with just plain folks, in whom @@ -27061,11 +22023,6 @@ estimate that it added a year to debugging time. It is a wise father that knows his own child. -- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice" % -It is against the grain of modern education to teach children to program. -What fun is there in making plans, acquiring discipline in organizing -thoughts, devoting attention to detail, and learning to be self-critical? - -- Alan Perlis -% It is all right to hold a conversation, but you should let go of it now and then. -- Richard Armour @@ -27105,8 +22062,6 @@ It is better to have loved and lost -- much better. % It is better to have loved and lost than just to have lost. % -It is better to kiss an avocado than to get in a fight with an aardvark. -% It is better to live rich than to die rich. -- Samuel Johnson % @@ -27119,17 +22074,13 @@ and weight yourself down with invisible chains. % It is better to wear out than to rust out. % -It is by the fortune of God that, in this country, we have three benefits: -freedom of speech, freedom of thought, and the wisdom never to use either. - -- Mark Twain -% It is common sense to take a method and try it. If it fails, admit it frankly and try another. But above all, try something. -- Franklin D. Roosevelt % It is contrary to reasoning to say that there is a vacuum or space in which there is absolutely nothing. - -- Descartes + -- Rene Descartes % It is convenient that there be gods, and, as it is convenient, let us believe there are. @@ -27152,15 +22103,6 @@ It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle if it is lightly greased. -- Kehlog Albran % -It is easier to be a "humanitarian" than to render your own country its -proper due; it is easier to be a "patriot" than to make your community a -better place to live in; it is easier to be a "civic leader" than to treat -your own family with loving understanding; for the smaller the focus of -attention, the harder the task. - -- Sydney J. Harris -% -It is easier to change the specification to fit the program than vice versa. -% It is easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them. -- Alfred Adler % @@ -27172,8 +22114,6 @@ It is easier to resist at the beginning than at the end. % It is easier to run down a hill than up one. % -It is easier to write an incorrect program than understand a correct one. -% It is easy when we are in prosperity to give advice to the afflicted. -- Aeschylus % @@ -27208,15 +22148,11 @@ without your help. It is Fortune, not Wisdom, that rules man's life. % It is fruitless: - to become lacrymose over precipitately departed lactate fluid. + to become lachrymose over precipitately departed lactate fluid. to attempt to indoctrinate a superannuated canine with innovative maneuvers. % -It is generally agreed that "Hello" is an appropriate greeting because -if you entered a room and said "Goodbye," it could confuse a lot of people. - -- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot" -% It is idle to attempt to talk a young woman out of her passion: love does not lie in the ear. -- Walpole @@ -27239,13 +22175,6 @@ unless one has plenty of work to do. It is impossible to enjoy idling unless there is plenty of work to do. -- Jerome K. Jerome % -It is impossible to make anything -foolproof because fools are so ingenious. -% -It is impossible to travel faster than light, and -certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off. - -- Woody Allen -% IT IS IN PROCESS: So wrapped up in red tape that the situation is almost hopeless. % @@ -27266,9 +22195,6 @@ like a happy married life. It is much easier to be critical than to be correct. -- Benjamin Disraeli % -It is much easier to suggest solutions -when you know nothing about the problem. -% It is much harder to find a job than to keep one. % It is no wonder that people are so horrible when they start life as children. @@ -27278,10 +22204,10 @@ It is not a good omen when goldfish commit suicide. % It is not doing the thing we like to do, but liking the thing we have to do, that makes life blessed. - -- Goethe + -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe % It is not enough that I should succeed. Others must fail. - -- Ray Kroc, Founder of McDonald's + -- Ray Kroc, founder of McDonald's [Also attributed to David Merrick. Ed.] It is not enough to succeed. Others must fail. @@ -27310,13 +22236,13 @@ and he who makes haste with his feet misses his way. It is not necessary to inquire whether a woman would like something for dessert. The answer is yes, she would like something for dessert, but she would like you to order it so she can pick at it with your fork. She -does not want you to call attention to this by saying, 'If you wanted a -dessert, why didn't you order one?' You must understand, she has the +does not want you to call attention to this by saying, "If you wanted a +dessert, why didn't you order one?" You must understand, she has the dessert she wants. The dessert she wants is contained within yours. -- Merrill Marcoe, "An Insider's Guide to the American Woman" % It is not that polar co-ordinates are complicated, it is simply -that cartesian co-ordinates are simpler than they have a right to be. +that Cartesian co-ordinates are simpler than they have a right to be. -- Kleppner & Kolenhow, "An Introduction to Mechanics" % It is not the critic who counts, or how the strong man stumbled, or whether @@ -27329,10 +22255,6 @@ he'll never be with those cold and timid souls who never know either victory or defeat. -- Teddy Roosevelt % -It is not true that life is one damn thing after -another -- it's one damn thing over and over. - -- Edna St. Vincent Millay -% It is November first 1940; in the famous sound stage of THE WIZARD OF OZ on the MGM lot, a little man is lying face-up on the yellow brick road. His wide eyes stare upward into the blinding stage lights. He is wearing a @@ -27343,15 +22265,10 @@ kind of cute in the typical tinsel-town way if it wasn't for the knife sticking out of his chest. *Someone had murdered a Munchkin.* -- Stuart Kaminsky, "Murder on the Yellow Brick Road" % -It is now 10 p.m. Do you know where Henry Kissinger is? - -- Elizabeth Carpenter -% -It is now pitch dark. If you proceed, you will likely fall into a pit. -% It is now quite lawful for a Catholic woman to avoid pregnancy by a resort to mathematics, though she is still forbidden to resort to physics and chemistry. - -- H.L. Mencken + -- H. L. Mencken % It is often easier to ask for forgiveness than to ask for permission. -- Grace Murray Hopper @@ -27366,7 +22283,7 @@ is the only thing that makes the result come true. % It is only with the heart one can see clearly; what is essential is invisible to the eye. - -- The Fox, 'The Little Prince" + -- The Fox, "The Little Prince" % It is possible by ingenuity and at the expense of clarity... {to do almost anything in any language}. However, the fact that it is possible to push @@ -27398,11 +22315,7 @@ It is said an Eastern monarch once charged his wise men to invent him a sentence to be ever in view, and which should be true and appropriate in all times and situations. They presented him the words: "And this, too, shall pass away." - -- A. Lincoln -% -It is said that the lonely eagle flies to the mountain peaks while the -lowly ant crawls the ground, but cannot the soul of the ant soar as -high as the eagle? + -- Abraham Lincoln % It is so soon that I am done for, I wonder what I was begun for. -- Epitaph, Cheltenham Churchyard @@ -27414,23 +22327,9 @@ devil when he is the only explanation of it. It is so very hard to be an on-your-own-take-care-of- yourself-because-there-is-no-one-else-to-do-it-for-you grown up. % -It is something to be able to paint a particular picture, or to carve a -statue, and so to make a few objects beautiful; but it is far more glorious -to carve and paint the very atmosphere and medium through which we look, -which morally we can do. To affect the quality of the day, that is the -highest of arts. Every man is tasked to make his life, even in its details, -worthy of the contemplation of his most elevated and critical hour. - -- Henry David Thoreau, "Where I Live" -% It is sweet to let the mind unbend on occasion. -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace) % -It is the business of little minds to shrink. - -- Carl Sandburg -% -It is the business of the future to be dangerous. - -- Hawkwind -% It is the nature of extreme self-lovers, as they will set an house on fire, and it were but to roast their eggs. -- Francis Bacon @@ -27447,17 +22346,13 @@ It is through symbols that man consciously or unconsciously lives, works and has his being. -- Thomas Carlyle % -It is true that if your paperboy throws your paper into the bushes for five -straight days it can be explained by Newton's Law of Gravity. But it takes -Murphy's law to explain why it is happening to you. -% It is up to us to produce better-quality movies. -- Lloyd Kaufman, producer of "Stuff Stephanie in the Incinerator" % It is very vulgar to talk like a dentist when one isn't a dentist. It produces a false impression. - -- Oscar Wilde. + -- Oscar Wilde % It is when I struggle to be brief that I become obscure. -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace) @@ -27482,16 +22377,14 @@ unhappy. -- Groucho Marx % It isn't whether you win or lose, it's how much money you end up with. - -- Jack T. Shakespeare + -- Jack T. Shakespeare % It just doesn't seem right to go over the river and through the woods to Grandmother's condo. % It looked like something resembling white marble, which was probably what it was: something resembling white marble. - -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy" -% -It looks like blind screaming hedonism won out. + -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" % It looks like it's up to me to save our skins. Get into that garbage chute, flyboy! @@ -27502,7 +22395,7 @@ a hundred drumsticks, then the guy at Marineland says, "You can't throw that chicken to the dolphins. They eat fish." Sure they eat fish if that's all you give them! Man, wise up. - -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. + -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican", 1988. % It [marriage] happens as with cages: the birds without despair to get in, and those within despair of getting out. @@ -27516,9 +22409,6 @@ It may be better to be a live jackal than a dead lion, but it is better still to be a live lion. And usually easier. -- Lazarus Long % -It may be that your whole purpose in life -is simply to serve as a warning to others. -% It may or may not be worthwhile, but it still has to be done. % It must be remembered that there is nothing more difficult to plan, more @@ -27589,7 +22479,7 @@ It takes both a weapon, and two people, to commit a murder. % It takes less time to do a thing right than it does to explain why you did it wrong. - -- H.W. Longfellow + -- H. W. Longfellow % It takes two to tell the truth: one to speak and one to hear. % @@ -27602,10 +22492,6 @@ officers there of the perilous situation. The officers in turn called the Air Force, which sent in gunships to scatter the Cubans and relieve the unit. -- Aviation Week and Space Technology % -It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing, -but I couldn't give it up because by that time I was too famous. - -- Robert Benchley -% It turned out that the worm exploited three or four different holes in the system. From this, and the fact that we were able to capture and examine some of the source code, we realized that we were dealing with someone very @@ -27622,8 +22508,6 @@ I did it all for thrills. It usually takes more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech. -- Mark Twain % -It was a book to kill time for those who liked it better dead. -% It was a brave man that ate the first oyster. % It was a fine, sweet night, the nicest since my divorce, maybe the nicest @@ -27631,20 +22515,12 @@ since the middle of my marriage. There was energy, softness, grace and laughter. I even took my socks off. In my circle, that means class. -- Andrew Bergman "The Big Kiss-off of 1944" % -It was a Roman who said it was sweet to die for one's country. The Greeks -never said it was sweet to die for anything. They had no vital lies. - -- Edith Hamilton, "The Greek Way" -% It was all so different before everything changed. % It was kinda like stuffing the wrong card in a computer, when you're stickin' those artificial stimulants in your arm. -- Dion, noted computer scientist % -It was one of those perfect summer days -- the sun was shining, a breeze -was blowing, the birds were singing, and the lawn mower was broken ... - --- James Dent -% It was one time too many One word too few It was all too much for me and you @@ -27660,16 +22536,6 @@ It was pity stayed his hand. "Pity I don't have any more bullets," thought Frito. -- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings" % -It was pleasant to me to get a letter from you the other day. Perhaps -I should have found it pleasanter if I had been able to decipher it. I -don't think that I mastered anything beyond the date (which I knew) and -the signature (which I guessed at). There's a singular and a perpetual -charm in a letter of yours; it never grows old, it never loses its -novelty. Other letters are read and thrown away and forgotten, but -yours are kept forever -- unread. One of them will last a reasonable -man a lifetime. - -- Thomas Aldrich -% It was raining heavily, and the motorist had car trouble on a lonely country road. Anxious to find shelter for the night, he walked over to a farmhouse and knocked on the front door. No one responded. He could feel the water @@ -27694,9 +22560,6 @@ would have been more wonderful to miss it. It wasn't exactly a divorce -- I was traded. -- Tim Conway % -It wasn't that she had a rose in her teeth, exactly. -It was more like the rose and the teeth were in the same glass. -% It would be nice to be sure of anything the way some people are of everything. % @@ -27719,12 +22582,6 @@ It's a brave man who, when things are at their darkest, can kick back and party! -- Dennis Quaid, "Inner Space" % -It's a damn poor mind that can only think of one way to spell a word. - -- Andrew Jackson -% -It's a dog-eat-dog world out there, and I'm wearing Milkbone underwear. - -- Cheers -% It's a naive, domestic operating system without any breeding, but I think you'll be amused by its presumption. % @@ -27734,9 +22591,6 @@ It's a recession when your neighbor loses his job; it's a depression when you lose yours. -- Harry S. Truman % -It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it. - -- Steven Wright -% It's all in the mind, ya know. % It's all right letting yourself go as long as you can let yourself back. @@ -27772,9 +22626,6 @@ but why do the rats always have to win? It's better to be quotable than to be honest. -- Tom Stoppard % -It's better to be wanted for murder that not to be wanted at all. - -- Marty Winch -% It's better to burn out than it is to rust. % It's better to burn out than to fade away. @@ -27787,19 +22638,9 @@ It's clever, but is it art? % It's difficult to see the picture when you are inside the frame. % -"It's easier said than done." - -... and if you don't believe it, try proving that it's easier done than -said, and you'll see that "it's easier said that `it's easier done than -said' than it is done", which really proves that "it's easier said than -done". -% It's easier to be a liberal a long way from home. -- Don Price % -It's easier to get forgiveness for being -wrong than forgiveness for being right. -% It's easier to take it apart than to put it back together. -- Washlesky % @@ -27808,9 +22649,6 @@ it's much harder to forgive them for being right. % It's easy to make a friend. What's hard is to make a stranger. % -It's fabulous! We haven't seen anything like it in the last half an hour! - -- Macy's -% Its failings notwithstanding, there is much to be said in favor of journalism in that by giving us the opinion of the uneducated, it keeps us in touch with the ignorance of the community. @@ -27864,11 +22702,6 @@ It's more important that they know what you won't stand for. It's interesting to think that many quite distinguished people have bodies similar to yours. % -It's is not, it isn't ain't, and it's it's, not its, if you mean it is. -If you don't, it's its. Then too, it's hers. It isn't her's. It isn't -our's either. It's ours, and likewise yours and theirs. - -- Oxford University Press, "Edpress News" -% It's just apartment house rules, So all you 'partment house fools Remember: one man's ceiling is another man's floor. @@ -27883,16 +22716,6 @@ Russian-American space mission has already begun. It's like deja vu all over again. -- Yogi Berra % -It's Like This - -Even the samurai -have teddy bears, -and even the teddy bears -get drunk. -% -It's lucky you're going so slowly, because -you're going in the wrong direction. -% It's multiple choice time... What is FORTRAN? @@ -27916,27 +22739,14 @@ It's no use crying over spilt milk -- it only makes it salty for the cat. It's not against any religion to want to dispose of a pigeon. -- Tom Lehrer % -It's not an optical illusion, it just looks like one. - -- Phil White -% -It's not Camelot, but it's not Cleveland, either. - -- Kevin White, Mayor of Boston -% It's not easy being green. -- Kermit % -It's not enough to be Hungarian; you must have talent too. - -- Alexander Korda -% It's not hard to admit errors that are [only] cosmetically wrong. - -- J.K. Galbraith + -- J. K. Galbraith % It's not reality that's important, but how you perceive things. % -It's not that I'm afraid to die. -I just don't want to be there when it happens. - -- Woody Allen -% It's not the fall that kills you, it's the landing. % It's not the men in my life, but the life in my men that counts. @@ -27951,11 +22761,6 @@ It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you look playing the game. % It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you place the blame. % -It's odd, and a little unsettling, to reflect upon the fact that English is -the only major language in which "I" is capitalized; in many other languages -"You" is capitalized and the "i" is lower case. - -- Sydney J. Harris -% It's only by NOT taking the human race seriously that I retain what fragments of my once considerable mental powers I still possess. -- Roger Noe @@ -27972,9 +22777,7 @@ as a warning to others. % It's pretty hard to tell what does bring happiness; poverty and wealth have both failed. - -- Kim Hubbard -% -It's really quite a simple choice: Life, Death, or Los Angeles. + -- Kin Hubbard % It's reassuring to know that if you behave strangely enough, society will take full responsibility for you. @@ -27989,7 +22792,7 @@ results to humans. % It's so beautifully arranged on the plate -- you know someone's fingers have been all over it. - -- Julia Child on nouvelle cuisine. + -- Julia Child on nouvelle cuisine % It's so confusing choosing sides in the heat of the moment, just to see if it's real, @@ -27999,9 +22802,6 @@ So ask me just one question when this magic night is through, Could it have been just anyone or did it have to be you? -- Billy Joel, "Glass Houses" % -It's so stupid of modern civilization to have given up believing in the -Devil when he is the only explanation for it. -% It's sweet to be remembered, but it's often cheaper to be forgotten. % It's ten o'clock; do you know where your processes are? @@ -28009,10 +22809,6 @@ It's ten o'clock; do you know where your processes are? It's the good girls who keep the diaries, the bad girls never have the time. -- Tallulah Bankhead % -It's the opinion of some that crops could be grown on the moon. Which raises -the fear that it may not be long before we're paying somebody not to. - -- Franklin P. Jones -% It's the same old story; boy meets beer, boy drinks beer... boy gets another beer. -- Cheers @@ -28025,7 +22821,7 @@ madly in love, drunk, or running for office. % It's very glamorous to raise millions of dollars, until it's time for the venture capitalist to suck your eyeballs out. - -- Peter Kennedy, chairman of Kraft & Kennedy. + -- Peter Kennedy, chairman of Kraft & Kennedy % It's very inconvenient to be mortal -- you never know when everything may suddenly stop happening. @@ -28078,29 +22874,10 @@ A month ago. % I've been there. % -I've built a better model than the one at Data General -For data bases vegetable, animal, and mineral -My OS handles CPUs with multiplexed duality; -My PL/1 compiler shows impressive functionality. -My storage system's better than magnetic core polarity, -You never have to bother checking out a bit for parity; -There isn't any reason to install non-static floor matting; -My disk drive has capacity for variable formatting. - -I feel compelled to mention what I know to be a gloating point: -There's lots of room in memory for variables floating-point, -Which shows for input vegetable, animal, and mineral -I've built a better model than the one at Data General. - - -- Steve Levine, "A Computer Song", (To the tune of - "Modern Major General") -% I've finally learned what "upward compatible" means. It means we get to keep all our old mistakes. -- Dennie van Tassel % -I've given up reading books; I find it takes my mind off myself. -% I've got a very bad feeling about this. -- Han Solo % @@ -28110,14 +22887,8 @@ I've got all the money I'll ever need if I die by 4 o'clock. I've got some powdered water, but I don't know what to add. -- Stephen Wright % -I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it. - -- Groucho Marx -% -I've had one child. My husband wants to have another. -I'd like to watch him have another. -% I've looked at the listing, and it's right! - -- Joel Halpern. + -- Joel Halpern % I've never been canoeing before, but I imagine there must be just a few simple heuristics you have to remember... @@ -28138,7 +22909,7 @@ bad taste. -- Keith Richards % I've never struck a woman in my life, not even my own mother. - -- W.C. Fields + -- W. C. Fields % I've noticed several design suggestions in your code. % @@ -28155,10 +22926,6 @@ I've tried several varieties of sex. The conventional position makes me claustrophobic, and the others either give me a stiff neck or lockjaw. -- Tallulah Bankhead % -Jacquin's Postulate on Democratic Government: - No man's life, liberty, or property are safe while the - legislature is in session. -% jake hates all the girls(the shy ones, the bold paul scorns all @@ -28177,7 +22944,7 @@ all except ones; the mean the dead ones kind dirty clean) all except the green ones - -- e e cummings + -- e. e. cummings % James McNeill Whistler's (painter of "Whistler's Mother") failure in his West Point chemistry examination once provoked him to remark in later life, @@ -28202,9 +22969,6 @@ Japan, n: % Jealousy is all the fun you think they have. % -Jenkinson's Law: - It won't work. -% Jim, it's Grace at the bank. I checked your Christmas Club account. You don't have five-hundred dollars. You have fifty. Sorry, computer foul-up! % @@ -28228,9 +22992,6 @@ JOB INTERVIEW: The excruciating process during which personnel officers separate the wheat from the chaff -- then hire the chaff. % -job Placement, n: - Telling your boss what he can do with your job. -% Joe Cool always spends the first two weeks at college sailing his frisbee. -- Snoopy % @@ -28244,8 +23005,6 @@ your income-tax evasion to the I.R.S..." "That's all right, dearest, don't give it a second thought," whispered Joe. "I'm the one who poisoned you." % -Joe's sister puts spaghetti in her shoes! -% jogger, n: An odd sort of person with a thing for pain. % @@ -28255,10 +23014,6 @@ But Gerard Hopkins But John Greenleaf But Thornton Was Manley Was Whittier Was Wilder -- Willard Espy % -John Birch Society: - That pathetic manifestation of organized apoplexy. - -- Edward P. Morgan -% JOHN PAUL ELECTED POPE!! (George and Ringo miffed.) @@ -28278,16 +23033,9 @@ Johnny Carson's Definition: in Manhattan between the traffic signal turning green and the taxi driver behind you blowing his horn. % -Johnson's First Law: - When any mechanical contrivance fails, it will do so at the - most inconvenient possible time. -% Johnson's law: Systems resemble the organizations that create them. % -Join in the new game that's sweeping the country. It's called "Bureaucracy". -Everybody stands in a circle. The first person to do anything loses. -% Join the army, see the world, meet interesting, exciting people, and kill them. % @@ -28300,10 +23048,6 @@ Jones' First Law: obstruction to its progress -- in direct proportion to the importance of their original contribution. % -Jones' Second Law: - The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone - to blame it on. -% Joshu: What is the true Way? Nansen: Every way is the true Way. J: Can I study it? @@ -28326,7 +23070,7 @@ Juall's Law on Nice Guys: Judges, as a class, display, in the matter of arranging alimony, that reckless generosity which is found only in men who are giving away someone else's cash. - -- P.G. Wodehouse, "Louder and Funnier" + -- P. G. Wodehouse, "Louder and Funnier" % Just a few of the perfect excuses for having some strawberry shortcake. Pick one. @@ -28361,19 +23105,7 @@ And to the friendly skies. Just as I cannot remember any time when I could not read and write, I cannot remember any time when I did not exercise my imagination in daydreams about women. - -- G.B. Shaw -% -Just as most issues are seldom black or white, so are most good solutions -seldom black or white. Beware of the solution that requires one side to be -totally the loser and the other side to be totally the winner. The reason -there are two sides to begin with usually is because neither side has all -the facts. Therefore, when the wise mediator effects a compromise, he is -not acting from political motivation. Rather, he is acting from a deep -sense of respect for the whole truth. - -- Stephen R. Schwambach -% -Just because everything is different doesn't mean anything has changed. - -- Irene Peter + -- George Bernard Shaw % Just because he's dead is no reason to lay off work. % @@ -28384,19 +23116,14 @@ going to get hit. Just because the message may never be received does not mean it is not worth sending. % -Just because they are called 'forbidden' transitions does not mean that they +Just because they are called "forbidden" transitions does not mean that they are forbidden. They are less allowed than allowed transitions, if you see what I mean. - -- From a Part 2 Quantum Mechanics lecture. + -- From a Part 2 Quantum Mechanics lecture % Just because you like my stuff doesn't mean I owe you anything. -- Bob Dylan % -Just because your doctor has a name for your -condition doesn't mean he knows what it is. -% -Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they AREN'T after you. -% Just close your eyes, tap your heels together three times, and think to yourself, `There's no place like home.' -- Glynda @@ -28416,22 +23143,8 @@ What a beautiful world this will be, What a glorious time to be free. -- Donald Fagon, "What A Beautiful World" % -Just once, I wish we would encounter -an alien menace that wasn't immune to bullets. - -- The Brigader, "Dr. Who" -% Just remember, wherever you go, there you are. - -- Buckeroo Banzai -% -`Just the place for a Snark!' the Bellman cried, - As he landed his crew with care; -Supporting each man on the top of the tide - By a finger entwined in his hair. - -`Just the place for a Snark! I have said it twice: - That alone should encourage the crew. -Just the place for a Snark! I have said it thrice: - What I tell you three times is true.' + -- Buckaroo Banzai % Just to have it is enough. % @@ -28453,15 +23166,6 @@ But I always thought that I'd see you again. Thought I'd see you one more time again. -- James Taylor, "Fire and Rain" % -JUSTICE: - A decision in your favor. -% -Justice is incidental to law and order. - -- J. Edgar Hoover -% -Justice, n: - A decision in your favor. -% Kafka's Law: In the fight between you and the world, back the world. -- Franz Kafka, "RS's 1974 Expectation of Days" @@ -28476,7 +23180,7 @@ Karlson's Theorem of Snack Food Packages: For all P, where P is a package of snack food, P is a SINGLE-SERVING package of snack food. -Gibson the Cat's Corrolary: +Gibson the Cat's Corollary: For all L, where L is a package of lunch meat, L is Gibson's package of lunch meat. @@ -28487,8 +23191,8 @@ Ed: It's all any reasonable child can expect if the dad is present -- Joe Orton, "Entertaining Mr. Sloane" % Katz' Law: - Men and nations will act rationally when - all other possibilities have been exhausted. + Men and nations will act rationally when all other +possibilities have been exhausted. History teaches us that men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all other alternatives. @@ -28505,8 +23209,6 @@ Kaufman's Law: Keep a diary and one day it'll keep you. -- Mae West % -Keep America beautiful. Swallow your beer cans. -% Keep ancient lands, your storied pomp! cries she With silent lips. Give me your tired, your poor, Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, @@ -28514,13 +23216,6 @@ The wretched refuse of your teeming shore. Send these, the homeless, tempest-tossed to me... -- Emma Lazarus, "The New Colossus" % -Keep cool, but don't freeze. - -- Hellman's Mayonnaise -% -Keep emotionally active. Cater to your favorite neurosis. -% -Keep grandma off the streets -- legalize bingo. -% Keep in mind always the four constant Laws of Frisbee: 1) The most powerful force in the world is that of a disc straining to land under a car, just out of reach (this @@ -28558,13 +23253,6 @@ at the end of six months. % Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back. % -Keep your Eye on the Ball, -Your Shoulder to the Wheel, -Your Nose to the Grindstone, -Your Feet on the Ground, -Your Head on your Shoulders. -Now... try to get something DONE! -% Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards. -- Benjamin Franklin % @@ -28623,39 +23311,24 @@ Kilroe hic erat! Kime's Law for the Reward of Meekness: Turning the other cheek merely ensures two bruised cheeks. % -KIN: - An affliction of the blood. -% Kindness is a language which the deaf can hear and the blind can read. -- Mark Twain % Kindness is the beginning of cruelty. - -- Muad'dib + -- Muad'dib, "Dune" % Kington's Law of Perforation: If a straight line of holes is made in a piece of paper, such as a sheet of stamps or a check, that line becomes the strongest part of the paper. % -Kinkler's First Law: - Responsibility always exceeds authority. - -Kinkler's Second Law: - All the easy problems have been solved. -% Kirk to Enterprise... % -Kirk to Enterprise -- beam down yeoman Rand and a six-pack. -% Kiss a non-smoker; taste the difference. % Kiss me, Kate, we will be married o' Sunday. -- William Shakespeare, "The Taming of the Shrew" % -Kiss me twice. I'm schizophrenic. -% -Kiss your keyboard goodbye! -% Kissing a fish is like smoking a bicycle. % Kissing a smoker is like licking an ashtray. @@ -28677,11 +23350,6 @@ Klatu barada nikto. % Kleeneness is next to Godelness. % -Klein bottle for rent -- inquire within. -% -KLEPTOMANIAC: - A rich thief. -% Kliban's First Law of Dining: Never eat anything bigger than your head. % @@ -28737,11 +23405,6 @@ GOOD! % Know Thy User. % -Know thyself. If you need help, call the C.I.A. -% -Know what I hate most? Rhetorical questions. - -- Henry N. Camp -% KNOWLEDGE: Things you believe. % @@ -28768,7 +23431,7 @@ You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the track. KROGT: (chemical symbol: Kr) The metallic silver coating found on fast-food game cards. - -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends + -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets" % LA: Where the only way to determine that the seasons have changed @@ -28784,20 +23447,10 @@ Lack of capability is usually disguised by lack of interest. Lack of money is the root of all evil. -- George Bernard Shaw % -Lackland's Laws: - 1. Never be first. - 2. Never be last. - 3. Never volunteer for anything. -% -LACTOMANGULATION: - Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk carton so badly that - one has to resort to using the "illegal" side. - -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends -% La-dee-dee, la-dee-dah. % Ladies and Gentlemen, Hobos and Tramps, -Cross-eyed mosquitos and bowlegged ants, +Cross-eyed mosquitoes and bowlegged ants, I come before you to stand behind you To tell you of something I know nothing about. Next Thursday (which is good Friday), @@ -28857,21 +23510,6 @@ white meat or dark meat." Churchill apologized profusely. her guest of honor. The accompanying card read: "I would be most obliged if you would pin this on your white meat." % -Ladybug, ladybug, -Look to your stern! -Your house is on fire, -Your children will burn! -So jump ye and sing, for -The very first time -The four lines above -Have been put into rhyme. - -- Walt Kelly -% -Laetrile is the pits. -% -Laissez Faire Economics is the theory that if -each acts like a vulture, all will end as doves. -% Lake Erie died for your sins. % ((lambda (foo) (bar foo)) (baz)) @@ -28901,7 +23539,7 @@ he winked, drove his elbow into Lansdale's arm and slapped his own knee. % Large increases in cost with questionable increases in performance can be tolerated only in race horses and women. - -- Lord Kalvin + -- Lord Kelvin % Largest Number of Driving Test Failures By April 1970 Mrs. Miriam Hargrave had failed her test thirty-nine @@ -28913,9 +23551,6 @@ Yorkshire. Disappointingly, she passed at the fortieth attempt (3 August reported as saying that she still didn't like doing right-hand turns. -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" % -Larkinson's Law: - All laws are basically false. -% LASER: Failed death ray. % @@ -28935,9 +23570,6 @@ Last night the power went out. Good thing my camera had a flash.... The neighbors thought it was lightning in my house, so they called the cops. -- Stephen Wright % -Last week a cop stopped me in my car. He asked me if I had a police record. -I said, no, but I have the new DEVO album. Cops have no sense of humor. -% Last week's pet, this week's special. % Last year we drove across the country... We switched on the driving... @@ -28956,15 +23588,10 @@ Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone. % Laugh and the world thinks you're an idiot. % -Laugh at your problems: everybody else does. -% Laugh when you can; cry when you must. % Laughing at you is like drop kicking a wounded humming bird. % -Laughter is the closest distance between two people. - -- Victor Borge -% Laura's Law: No child throws up in the bathroom. % @@ -28973,34 +23600,16 @@ Don't buy any lavishes for a while. % Law enforcement officers should use only the minimum force necessary in dealing with disorders when they arise. - -- Richard M. Nixon -% -Law of Communications: - The inevitable result of improved and enlarged communications - between different levels in a hierarchy is a vastly increased - area of misunderstanding. + -- Richard Nixon % Law of Continuity: Experiments should be reproducible. They should all fail the same way. % -Law of Probable Dispersal: - Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed. -% Law of Procrastination: Procrastination avoids boredom; one never has the feeling that there is nothing important to do. % -Law of Selective Gravity: - An object will fall so as to do the most damage. - -Jenning's Corollary: - The chance of the bread falling with the buttered side - down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet. - -Law of the Perversity of Nature: - You cannot determine beforehand which side of the bread to butter. -% Law of the Jungle: He who hesitates is lunch. % @@ -29037,10 +23646,10 @@ Lawyer's Rule: When both are against you, call the other lawyer names. % Lay off the muses, it's a very tough dollar. - -- S.J. Perelman + -- S. J. Perelman % Lay on, MacDuff, and curs'd be him who first cries, "Hold, enough!". - -- Shakespeare + -- William Shakespeare % Lays eggs inside a paper bag; The reason, you will see, no doubt, @@ -29050,10 +23659,6 @@ Have failed to notice is that herds Of bears may come with buns And steal the bags to hold the crumbs. % -Lazlo's Chinese Relativity Axiom: - No matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your defeats -- - approximately one billion Chinese couldn't care less. -% LAZY: Marrying a pregnant woman. % @@ -29066,8 +23671,6 @@ Learn from other people's mistakes, you don't have time to make your own. % Learn to pause -- or nothing worthwhile can catch up to you. % -Learned men are the cisterns of knowledge, not the fountainheads. -% Learning at some schools is like drinking from a firehose. % LEARNING CURVE: @@ -29086,12 +23689,6 @@ Lee's Law: Mother said there would be days like this, but she never said that there'd be so many! % -Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse. -% -Leibowitz's Rule: - When hammering a nail, you will never hit your - finger if you hold the hammer with both hands. -% Lemma: All horses are the same color. Proof (by induction): Case n = 1: In a set with only one horse, it is obvious that all @@ -29125,17 +23722,6 @@ LEO (Jul. 23 to Aug. 22) Look over your shoulder; an ugly person may be following you. Be on your toes. Brush your teeth. Take Geritol. % -LEO (July 23 - Aug 22) - You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are pushy. - Most Leo people are bullies. You are vain and dislike honest - criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieves. -% -LEO (July 23 - Aug 22) - Your determination and sense of humor will come to the fore. Your - ability to laugh at adversity will be a blessing because you've got - a day coming you wouldn't believe. As a matter of fact, if you can - laugh at what happens to you today, you've got a sick sense of humor. -% Lesbian QOTD: I didn't give up sex, I just gave up premature ejaculation. % @@ -29145,12 +23731,7 @@ Let a fool hold his tongue and he will pass for a sage. Let he who takes the plunge remember to return it by Tuesday. % Let him choose out of my files, his projects to accomplish. - -- Shakespeare, "Coriolanus" -% -Let me assure you that to us here at First National, you're not just a -number. You're two numbers, a dash, three more numbers, another dash and -another number. - -- James Estes + -- William Shakespeare, "Coriolanus" % Let me not to the marriage of true minds Admit impediments. Love is not love @@ -29184,7 +23765,7 @@ around his neck. -- Dave Barry % Let no guilty man escape. - -- U.S. Grant + -- U. S. Grant % Let not the sands of time get in your lunch. % @@ -29205,7 +23786,7 @@ Let the people think they govern and they will be governed. % Let the worthy citizens of Chicago get their liquor the best way they can. I'm sick of the job. It's a thankless one and full of grief. - -- Capone + -- Al Capone % Let thy maid servant be faithful, strong, and homely. -- Benjamin Franklin @@ -29225,13 +23806,7 @@ Streets that follow like a tedious argument Of insidious intent To lead you to an overwhelming question... Oh, do not ask, "What is it?" - -- T.S. Eliot, "Love song of J. Alfred Prufrock" -% -Let us live!!! -Let us love!!! -Let us share the deepest secrets of our souls!!! - -You first. + -- T. S. Eliot, "Love song of J. Alfred Prufrock" % Let us never negotiate out of fear, but let us never fear to negotiate. @@ -29258,27 +23833,9 @@ L'etat c'est moi. Let's do it. -- Gary Gilmore, to his firing squad % -Let's just be friends and make no special effort to ever see each other again. -% Let's just be friends and make no special effort to ever see each other again. % -Let's just say that where a change was required, I adjusted. In every -relationship that exists, people have to seek a way to survive. If you -really care about the person, you do what's necessary, or that's the end. -For the first time, I found that I really could change, and the qualities -I most admired in myself I gave up. I stopped being loud and bossy ... -Oh, all right. I was still loud and bossy, but only behind his back. - -- Kate Hepburn, on Tracy and Hepburn -% -Let's just say that where a change was required, I adjusted. In every -relationship that exists, people have to seek a way to survive. If you -really care about the person, you do what's necessary, or that's the end. -For the first time, I found that I really could change, and the qualities -I most admired in myself I gave up. I stopped being loud and bossy... -Oh, all right. I was still loud and bossy, but only behind his back." - -- Kate Hepburn, on Tracy and Hepburn -% Let's love each other slowly, reaching for a plane, of exquisite pleasure, @@ -29293,39 +23850,15 @@ Let's organize this thing and take all the fun out of it. Let's remind ourselves that last year's fresh idea is today's cliche. -- Austen Briggs % -Let's say your wedding ring falls into your toaster, and when you stick your -hand in to retrieve it, you suffer Pain and Suffering as well as Mental -Anguish. You would sue: - -* The toaster manufacturer, for failure to include, in the instructions - section that says you should never never never ever stick you hand - into the toaster, the statement "Not even if your wedding ring falls - in there". - -* The store where you bought the toaster, for selling it to an obvious - cretin like yourself. - -* Union Carbide Corporation, which is not directly responsible in this - case, but which is feeling so guilty that it would probably send you - a large cash settlement anyway. - -- Dave Barry -% LEVERAGE: Even if someone doesn't care what the world thinks about them, they always hope their mother doesn't find out. % Leveraging always beats prototyping. % -Lewis's Law of Travel: - The first piece of luggage out of the - chute doesn't belong to anyone, ever. -% L'hazard ne favorise que l'esprit prepare. -- L. Pasteur % -LIAR: - A lawyer with a roving commission. -% Liar: one who tells an unpleasant truth. -- Oliver Herford % @@ -29339,11 +23872,6 @@ trouble. Conservatives are better. They never run out on you. Liberty don't work as good in practice as it does in speeches. -- The Best of Will Rogers % -LIBRA (Sep. 23 to Oct. 22) - Your desire for justice and truth will be overshadowed by your desire - for filthy lucre and a decent meal. Be gracious and polite. Someone - is watching you, so stop staring like that. -% LIBRA (Sept 23 - Oct 23) Major achievements, new friends, and a previously unexplored way to make a lot of money will come to a lot of people today, but @@ -29354,9 +23882,6 @@ LIE: A very poor substitute for the truth, but the only one discovered to date. % -Lieberman's Law: - Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens. -% Lieberman's Law: Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter, cuz nobody listens. % @@ -29428,7 +23953,7 @@ change his bed. -- Charles Baudelaire % Life is a series of rude awakenings. - -- R.V. Winkle + -- R. V. Winkle % Life is a serious burden, which no thinking, humane person would wantonly inflict on someone else. @@ -29436,8 +23961,6 @@ humane person would wantonly inflict on someone else. % Life is a sexually transferred disease with 100% mortality. % -Life is a yo-yo, and mankind ties knots in the string. -% Life is an exciting business, and most exciting when it is lived for others. % @@ -29459,8 +23982,6 @@ Life is knowing how far to go without crossing the line. Life is like a 10 speed bicycle. Most of us have gears we never use. -- C. Schultz % -"Life is like a buffet; it's not good but there's plenty of it." -% Life is like a diaper - short and loaded. % Life is like a sewer. @@ -29495,7 +24016,7 @@ Life is one long struggle in the dark. -- Titus Lucretius Carus % Life is the childhood of our immortality. - -- Goethe + -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe % Life is the living you do, Death is the living you don't do. @@ -29506,13 +24027,13 @@ Life is the urge to ecstasy. Life is to you a dashing and bold adventure. % Life is too short to be taken seriously. - -- O. Wilde + -- Oscar Wilde % Life is too short to stuff a mushroom. -- Storm Jameson % Life is wasted on the living. - -- The Restaurant at the Edge of the Universe. + -- Douglas Adams, "The Restaurant at the Edge of the Universe" % Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans. -- John Lennon, "Beautiful Boy" @@ -29540,11 +24061,8 @@ Life sucks, but death doesn't put out at all. Life without caffeine is stimulating enough. -- Sanka Ad % -Life would be so much easier if we could just look at the source code. - -- Dave Olson -% Life would be tolerable but for its amusements. - -- G.B. Shaw + -- George Bernard Shaw % Life's too short to dance with ugly women. % @@ -29640,14 +24158,6 @@ religions. % Like punning, programming is a play on words. % -Like so many Americans, she was trying to construct -a life that made sense from things she found in gift shops. - -- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr. -% -Like the ski resort of girls looking for husbands and husbands looking -for girls, the situation is not as symmetrical as it might seem. - -- Alan McKay -% Like the time I ran away... And turned around and you were standing close to me. -- YES, "Going For The One/Awaken" @@ -29661,7 +24171,7 @@ the earth, like because the first thing in saving this world, is getting rid of stupid and square attitudes and having fun. -- Senior Year Quote % -Like you, I am frequently haunted by profound questions related to man's +Like you, I am frequently haunted by profound questions related to man's place in the Scheme of Things. Here are just a few: Q -- Is there life after death? @@ -29678,13 +24188,7 @@ as you keep the television turned down and don't try to eat any solid foods. % Likewise, the national appetizer, brine-cured herring with raw onions, wins few friends, Germans excepted. - -- Darwin Porter "Scandinavia On $50 A Day" -% -Limericks are art forms complex, -Their topics run chiefly to sex. - They usually have virgins, - And masculine urgin's, -And other erotic effects. + -- Darwin Porter, "Scandinavia On $50 A Day" % "Lines that are parallel meet at Infinity!" Euclid repeatedly, heatedly, urged. @@ -29698,18 +24202,6 @@ Linus: Hi! I thought it was you. Snoopy: That's nice to know. The secret of life is to look good at a distance. % -Linus: I guess it's wrong always to be worrying about tomorrow. - Maybe we should think only about today. -Charlie Brown: - No, that's giving up. I'm still hoping that yesterday - will get better. -% -Linus: I guess it's wrong always to be worrying about tomorrow. Maybe - we should think only about today. -Charlie Brown: - No, that's giving up. I'm still hoping that yesterday will get - better. -% Linus' Law: There is no heavier burden than a great potential. % @@ -29749,7 +24241,7 @@ their desires, they're ready to buy, they're ready to spend, it is a thing that is too complex and too big to be affected adversely or advantageously just by a few words or any particular -- say, a little this and that, or even a panacea so alleged. - -- D.D. Eisenhower, in response to: "Has the government + -- Dwight D. Eisenhower, in response to: "Has the government been lacking in courage and boldness in facing up to the recession?" % @@ -29820,9 +24312,6 @@ you're on the lam like me, you appreciate a good cup of coffee. Living in California is like living in a bowl of granola. What ain't flakes and nuts is fruits. % -Living in Hollywood is like living in a bowl of granola. -What ain't fruits and nuts is flakes. -% Living in New York City gives people real incentives to want things that nobody else wants. -- Andy Warhol @@ -29830,57 +24319,12 @@ to want things that nobody else wants. Living in the complex world of the future is somewhat like having bees live in your head. But, there they are. % -Living on Earth may be expensive, but it -includes an annual free trip around the Sun. -% LIVING YOUR LIFE: A task so difficult, it has never been attempted before. % -Lizzie Borden took an axe, -And plunged it deep into the VAX; -Don't you envy people who -Do all the things YOU want to do? -% Lo! Men have become the tool of their tools. -- Henry David Thoreau % -Lobster: - Everyone loves these delectable crustaceans, but many cooks are -squeamish about placing them into boiling water alive, which is the only -proper method of preparing them. Frankly, the easiest way to eliminate your -guilt is to establish theirs by putting them on trial before they're cooked. -The fact is, lobsters are among the most ferocious predators on the sea -floor, and you're helping reduce crime in the reefs. Grasp the lobster -behind the head, look it right in its unmistakably guilty eyestalks and say, -"Where were you on the night of the 21st?", then flourish a picture of a -scallop or a sole and shout, "Perhaps this will refresh that crude neural -apparatus you call a memory!" The lobster will squirm noticeably. It may -even take a swipe at you with one of its claws. Incorrigible. Pop it into -the pot. Justice has been served, and shortly you and your friends will -be, too. - -- Dave Barry -% -Lobster: - Everyone loves these delectable crustaceans, but many cooks are squeamish - about placing them into boiling water alive, which is the only proper - method of preparing them. Frankly, the easiest way to eliminate your - guilt is to establish theirs by putting them on trial before they're - cooked. The fact is, lobsters are among the most ferocious predators on - the sea floor, and you're helping reduce crime in the reefs. Grasp the - lobster behind the head, look it right in its unmistakably guilty - eyestalks and say, "Where were you on the night of the 21st?", then - flourish a picture of a scallop or a sole and shout, "Perhaps this will - refresh that crude neural apparatus you call a memory!" The lobster will - squirm noticeably. It may even take a swipe at you with one of its claws. - Incorrigible. Pop it into the pot. Justice has been served, and shortly - you and your friends will be, too. - -- Cooking: The Art of Turning Appliances and Utensils - into Excuses and Apologies -% -Lockwood's Long Shot: - The chances of getting eaten up by a lion on Main Street - aren't one in a million, but once would be enough. -% Logic doesn't apply to the real world. -- Marvin Minsky % @@ -29893,12 +24337,6 @@ to the wrong conclusion with confidence. % Logic is the chastity belt of the mind! % -Logicians have but ill defined -As rational the human kind. -Logic, they say, belongs to man, -But let them prove it if they can. - -- Oliver Goldsmith -% LOGO for the Dead LOGO for the Dead lets you continue your computing activities from @@ -29920,7 +24358,7 @@ from NecroSoft inc., 6502 Charnelhouse Blvd., Cleveland, OH 44101. Loneliness is a terrible price to pay for independence. % Lonely is a man without love. - -- Englebert Humperdinck + -- Engelbert Humperdinck % Lonely men seek companionship. Lonely women sit at home and wait. They never meet. @@ -29937,7 +24375,7 @@ JUST SCREW-UP ONE MORE TIME!!!!!!! Long ago I proposed that unsuccessful candidates for the Presidency be quietly hanged, as a matter of public sanitation and decorum. The sight of their grief must have a very evil effect upon the young. - -- H.L. Mencken, "A Carnival of Buncombe" + -- H. L. Mencken, "A Carnival of Buncombe" % Long computations which yield zero are probably all for naught. % @@ -29968,8 +24406,6 @@ Look before you leap. Look ere ye leap. -- John Heywood % -Look out! Behind you! -% Look, we trade every day out there with hustlers, deal-makers, shysters, con-men. That's the way businesses get started. That's the way this country was built. @@ -29978,17 +24414,12 @@ country was built. Lookie, lookie, here comes cookie... -- Stephen Sondheim % -Loose bits sink chips. -% Lord, defend me from my friends; I can account for my enemies. -- Charles D'Hericault % Lord, what fools these mortals be! -- William Shakespeare, "A Midsummer-Night's Dream" % -Losing your drivers' license is just -God's way of saying "BOOGA, BOOGA!" -% Lost: gray and white female cat. Answers to electric can opener. % @@ -30041,11 +24472,6 @@ Love ain't nothin' but sex misspelled. % Love America - or give it back. % -Love and scandal are the best sweeteners of tea. -% -Love at first sight is one of the greatest -labor-saving devices the world has ever seen. -% Love conquers all things; let us too surrender to love. -- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil) % @@ -30059,32 +24485,10 @@ Love is a grave mental disease. Love is a slippery eel that bites like hell. -- Matt Groening % -Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra, which suddenly flips -over, pinning you underneath. At night the ice weasels come. - -- Matt Groening, "Love is Hell" -% -Love is a word that is constantly heard, -Hate is a word that is not. -Love, I am told, is more precious than gold. -Love, I have read, is hot. -But hate is the verb that to me is superb, -And Love but a drug on the mart. -Any kiddie in school can love like a fool, -But Hating, my boy, is an Art. - -- Ogden Nash -% Love is always open arms. With arms open you allow love to come and go as it wills, freely, for it will do so anyway. If you close your arms about love you'll find you are left only holding yourself. % -Love is an ideal thing, marriage a real thing; a confusion of the real -with the ideal never goes unpunished. - -- Goethe -% -Love is an ideal thing, marriage a real thing; a confusion of the -real with the ideal never goes unpunished. - -- Goethe -% Love is an obsessive delusion that is cured by marriage. -- Dr. Karl Bowman % @@ -30113,8 +24517,6 @@ Love is never asking why? % Love is not enough, but it sure helps. % -Love is sentimental measles. -% Love is staying up all night with a sick child, or a healthy adult. % Love is the answer; but while you are waiting for the answer, sex @@ -30122,7 +24524,7 @@ raises some pretty good questions. -- Woody Allen % Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another. - -- H.L. Mencken + -- H. L. Mencken % Love is the desire to prostitute oneself. There is, indeed, no exalted pleasure that cannot be related to prostitution. @@ -30132,10 +24534,7 @@ Love is the only game that is not called on account of darkness. -- M. Hirschfield % Love is the process of my leading you gently back to yourself. - -- Saint Exupery -% -Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. - -- H.L. Mencken + -- Antoine de Saint-Exupery % Love IS what it's cracked up to be. % @@ -30153,8 +24552,6 @@ momentum. Love may laugh at locksmiths, but he has a profound respect for money bags. -- Sidney Paternoster, "The Folly of the Wise" % -Love means having to say you're sorry every five minutes. -% Love means never having to say you're sorry. -- Eric Segal, "Love Story" @@ -30164,13 +24561,10 @@ That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. Love means nothing to a tennis player. % Love tells us many things that are not so. - -- Krainian Proverb + -- Krainian proverb % Love the sea? I dote upon it -- from the beach. % -Love thy neighbor as thyself, but choose your neighborhood. - -- Louise Beal -% Love thy neighbor, tune thy piano. % Love to eat them mousies, @@ -30200,21 +24594,9 @@ Love, which absolves no loved one from loving, Love brought us to one death. -- La Divina Commedia: Inferno V, vv. 100-06 % -Love your enemies: they'll go crazy -trying to figure out what you're up to. -% Love your neighbour, yet don't pull down your hedge. -- Benjamin Franklin % -Lowery's Law: - If it jams -- force it. If it - breaks, it needed replacing anyway. -% -LSD melts in your mind, not in your hand. -% -Lubarsky's Law of Cybernetic Entomology: - There's always one more bug. -% Lucas is the source of many of the components of the legendarily reliable British automotive electrical systems. Professionals call the company "The Prince of Darkness". Of course, if Lucas were to design and manufacture @@ -30226,7 +24608,7 @@ Luck can't last a lifetime, unless you die young. -- Russell Banks % Luck, that's when preparation and opportunity meet. - -- P.E. Trudeau + -- P. E. Trudeau % Lucky, adj: When you have a wife and a cigarette @@ -30244,14 +24626,9 @@ Snoopy: She is right! I think I had better think Luke, I'm yer father, eh. Come over to the dark side, you hoser. -- Dave Thomas, "Strange Brew" % -LUNATIC ASYLUM: - The place where optimism most flourishes. -% Lying is an indispensable part of making life tolerable. -- Bergan Evans % -Lysistrata had a good idea. -% Ma Bell is a mean mother! % MAC user's dynamic debugging list evaluator? Never heard of that. @@ -30279,10 +24656,6 @@ Macho does not prove mucho. MAD: Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence. % -Madam, there's no such thing as a tough child -- -if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender. - -- W.C. Fields -% Madison's Inquiry: If you have to travel on the Titanic, why not go first class? % @@ -30305,17 +24678,12 @@ great white light, to the inexpressible advancement of human knowledge. % MAGNOCARTIC: Any automobile that, when left unattended, attracts shopping carts. - -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends -% -magnocartic, adj: - Any automobile that, when left unattended, attracts shopping - carts. - -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" + -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets" % MAGPIE: A bird whose thievish disposition suggested to someone that it might be taught to talk. - -- A. Bierce + -- Ambrose Bierce % MAIDEN AUNT: A girl who never had the sense to say "uncle." @@ -30336,22 +24704,6 @@ Male, n: has two varieties: good providers and bad providers. -- Ambrose Bierce % -Maier's Law: - If the facts do not conform to the theory, they must be disposed of. - -- N.R. Maier, "American Psychologist", March 1960 - -Corollaries: - 1. The bigger the theory, the better. - 2. The experiment may be considered a success if no more than - 50% of the observed measurements must be discarded to - obtain a correspondence with the theory. -% -Main's Law: - For every action there is an equal and opposite government program. -% -Maintainer's Motto: - If we can't fix it, it ain't broke. -% Maj. Bloodnok: Seagoon, you're a coward! Seagoon: Only in the holiday season. Maj. Bloodnok: Ah, another Noel Coward! @@ -30370,9 +24722,6 @@ Secondary Conclusion: Majorities, of course, start with minorities. -- Robert Moses % -MAJORITY: - That quality that distinguishes a crime from a law. -% Make a wish, it might come true. % Make headway at work. Continue to let things deteriorate at home. @@ -30386,15 +24735,6 @@ Make sure your code does nothing gracefully. % Make war not sex. (It's safer.) % -Making files is easy under the UNIX operating system. Therefore, users -tend to create numerous files using large amounts of file space. It has -been said that the only standard thing about all UNIX systems is the -message-of-the-day telling users to clean up their files. - -- System V.2 administrator's guide -% -Malek's Law: - Any simple idea will be worded in the most complicated way. -% MALPRACTICE: The reason surgeons wear masks. % @@ -30404,7 +24744,7 @@ MAN: occupation is extermination of other animals and his own species, which, however, multiplies with such insistent rapidity as to infest the whole habitable earth and Canada. - -- A. Bierce + -- Ambrose Bierce % Man and wife make one fool. % @@ -30416,27 +24756,16 @@ he has achieved so much -- the wheel, New York, wars and so on -- while all the dolphins had ever done was muck about in the water having a good time. But, conversely, the dolphins had always believed that they were far more intelligent than man -- for precisely the same reasons. - -- D. Adams, "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" + -- Douglas Adams, "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" % Man has made his bedlam; let him lie in it. -- Fred Allen % Man has never reconciled himself to the ten commandments. % -Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain. - -- Lily Tomlin -% Man is a military animal, Glories in gunpowder, and loves parade. - -- P.J. Bailey -% -Man is a rational animal who always loses his temper when he is called upon -to act in accordance with the dictates of reason. - -- Oscar Wilde -% -Man is a rational animal who always loses his temper when he -is called upon to act in accordance with the dictates of reason. - -- Oscar Wilde + -- P. J. Bailey % Man is an animal that makes bargains: no other animal does this-- no dog exchanges bones with another. @@ -30445,20 +24774,9 @@ no dog exchanges bones with another. Man is by nature a political animal. -- Aristotle % -Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft... -and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor. - -- Wernher von Braun -% Man is the measure of all things. -- Protagoras % -Man is the only animal that blushes -- or needs to. - -- Mark Twain -% -Man is the only animal that can remain on friendly terms -with the victims he intends to eat until he eats them. - -- Samuel Butler, 1835-1902 -% Man is the only animal that laughs and weeps; for he is the only animal that is struck with the difference between what things are and what they ought to be. @@ -30470,10 +24788,6 @@ Man must shape his tools lest they shape him. Man proposes, God disposes. -- Thomas a Kempis % -Man usually avoids attributing cleverness to somebody else -- -unless it is an enemy. - -- A. Einstein -% Man who arrives at party two hours late will find he has been beaten to the punch. % @@ -30481,7 +24795,7 @@ Man who falls in blast furnace is certain to feel overwrought. % Man who falls in vat of molten optical glass makes spectacle of self. % -Man who sleep in beer keg wake up stickey. +Man who sleep in beer keg wake up sticky. % Man will never fly. Space travel is merely a dream. @@ -30540,12 +24854,6 @@ Man's unique agony as a species consists in his perpetual conflict between the desire to stand out and the need to blend in. -- Sydney J. Harris % -manual, n: - A unit of documentation. There are always three or more on a given - item. One is on the shelf; someone has the others. The information - you need in in the others. - -- Ray Simard -% Many a bum show has been saved by the flag. -- George M. Cohan % @@ -30643,12 +24951,6 @@ Many people write memos to tell you they have nothing to say. Many receive advice, few profit by it. -- Publilius Syrus % -Many years ago in a period commonly know as Next Friday Afternoon, -there lived a King who was very Gloomy on Tuesday mornings because he -was so Sad thinking about how Unhappy he had been on Monday and how -completely Mournful he would be on Wednesday.... - -- Walt Kelly -% Margaret, are you grieving Over Goldengrove unleaving? Leaves, like the things of man, @@ -30663,7 +24965,7 @@ Now no matter, child, the name Sorrow's springs are the same: It is the blight man was born for, It is Margaret you mourn for. - -- Gerard Manley Hopkins. + -- Gerard Manley Hopkins % Marigold: Jealousy Mint: Virute @@ -30696,10 +24998,6 @@ who now smoke pot will someday become congressmen and legalize it in order to protect themselves. -- Lenny Bruce % -Mark's Dental-Chair Discovery: - Dentists are incapable of asking questions - that require a simple yes or no answer. -% MARRIAGE: An old, established institution, entered into by two people deeply in love and desiring to make a commitment to each other expressing @@ -30749,13 +25047,10 @@ chopsticks. It looks easy until you try it. Marriage is low down, but you spend the rest of your life paying for it. -- Baskins % -Marriage is not merely sharing the fettucine, but sharing the -burden of finding the fettucine restaurant in the first place. +Marriage is not merely sharing the fettuccine, but sharing the +burden of finding the fettuccine restaurant in the first place. -- Calvin Trillin % -Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly. - -- Voltaire -% Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred. % @@ -30773,14 +25068,14 @@ MARTA SAYS THE INTERESTING thing about fly-fishing is that its two lives connected by a thin strand. Come on, Marta, grow up. - -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. + -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican", 1988. % MARTA WAS WATCHING THE FOOTBALL GAME with me when she said, "You know most of these sports are based on the idea of one group protecting its territory from invasion by another group." "Yeah," I said, trying not to laugh. Girls are funny. - -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. + -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican", 1988. % Martin was probably ripping them off. That's some family, isn't it? Incest, prostitution, fanaticism, software. @@ -30837,9 +25132,6 @@ Mate, this parrot wouldn't VOOM if you put four million volts through it! Mater artium necessitas. [Necessity is the mother of invention]. % -Maternity pay? Now every Tom, Dick and Harry will get pregnant. - -- Malcolm Smith -% MATH AND ALCOHOL DON'T MIX! Please, don't drink and derive. @@ -30848,26 +25140,12 @@ MATH AND ALCOHOL DON'T MIX! Drunk Deriving % -Math is like love -- a simple idea but it can get complicated. - -- R. Drabek -% mathematician, n: Some one who believes imaginary things appear right before your i's. % -Mathematicians are like Frenchmen: whatever you say to them they -translate into their own language and forthwith it is something -entirely different. - -- Goethe -% -Mathematicians are like Frenchmen: whatever you say to them they translate -into their own language, and forthwith it is something entirely different. - -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe -% Mathematicians practice absolute freedom. -- Henry Adams % -Mathematicians take it to the limit. -% Mathematics deals exclusively with the relations of concepts to each other without consideration of their relation to experience. -- Albert Einstein @@ -30887,35 +25165,20 @@ to be found in mathematics as surely as in poetry. % Matrimony is the root of all evil. % -Matrimony isn't a word, it's a sentence. -% -Matter cannot be created or destroyed, -nor can it be returned without a receipt. -% -Matter will be damaged in direct proportion to its value. -% -[Maturity consists in the discovery that] there comes a critical moment where everything is reversed, after which the point becomes to understand more and more that there is something which cannot be understood. -- S. Kierkegaard % -Maturity is only a short break in adolescence. - -- Jules Feiffer -% Matz's Law: A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. % May a hundred thousand midgets invade your home singing cheezy lounge-lizard versions of songs from The Wizard of Oz. % -May a Misguided Platypus lay its Eggs in your Jockey Shorts -% May all your PUSHes be POPped. % May the bluebird of happiness twiddle your bits. % -May the Fleas of a Thousand Camels infest one of your Erogenous Zones. -% May the fleas of a thousand camels infest your armpits. % May those that love us love us; and those that don't love us, may @@ -30939,16 +25202,10 @@ May your camel be as swift as the wind. % May your SO always know when you need a hug. % -May your Tongue stick to the Roof of your -Mouth with the Force of a Thousand Caramels. -% Maybe ain't ain't so correct, but I notice that lots of folks who ain't using ain't ain't eatin' well. -- Will Rogers % -Maybe Computer Science should be in the College of Theology. - -- R.S. Barton -% Maybe Jesus was right when he said that the meek shall inherit the earth -- but they inherit very small plots, about six feet by three. -- Lazarus Long @@ -30959,9 +25216,6 @@ earth -- but they inherit very small plots, about six feet by three. other, and loved each other... and then let each other go before anyone had to seek professional help." % -Maybe you can't buy happiness, but -these days you can certainly charge it. -% May's Law: The quality of correlation is inversely proportional to the density of control. (The fewer the data points, the smoother the curves.) @@ -30972,10 +25226,6 @@ McEwan's Rule of Relative Importance: When traveling with a herd of elephants, don't be the first to lie down and rest. % -Meader's Law: - Whatever happens to you, it will previously - have happened to everyone you know, only more so. -% Meade's Maxim: Always remember that you are absolutely unique, just like everyone else. @@ -31005,12 +25255,12 @@ moonlit night, some horrible persona has been jabbing away at, dragging magnets over, and surging these voodoo boxen. Fortunately, they seem to have gotten a bit bored and fallen asleep, for it looks like Cynthia may get to go home. However, she has made note to quickly put together a totem -of sweaty, sordid static straps, random bits of wire, flecks of once meaniful +of sweaty, sordid static straps, random bits of wire, flecks of once meaningful oxide, bus grant cards, gummy worms, and some bits of old pdp backplane to hang above the machine room. This totem must be blessed by the old and wise venerable god of unibus at once, before the idolatization of vme, q and pc bus drive him to bitter revenge. Alas, if this fails, and the voodoo boxen -aren't destroyed, there may be more than worms in the apple. Next, the +aren't destroyed, there may be more than worms in the apple. Next, the arrival of voodoo optico transmitigational magneto killer paramecium, capable of teleporting from cable to cable, screen to screen, ear to ear and hoof to mouth... @@ -31029,10 +25279,6 @@ Meeting: person or department not represented in the room must solve the problem. % -meeting, n: - An assembly of people coming together to decide what person or - department not represented in the room must solve a problem. -% MEETINGS: A place where minutes are kept and hours are lost. % @@ -31056,7 +25302,7 @@ played. I remember a bigger, older guy whom we called "Dad." We'd eat some stuff or not and then I think we went home. I guess some things never leave you. - -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. + -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican", 1988. % Memory fault -- brain fried % @@ -31099,11 +25345,11 @@ Men freely believe that what they wish to desire. % Men have a much better time of it than women; for one thing they marry later; for another thing they die earlier. - -- H.L. Mencken + -- H. L. Mencken % Men have as exaggerated an idea of their rights as women have of their wrongs. - -- E.W. Howe + -- E. W. Howe % Men live for three things, fast cars, fast women and fast food. % @@ -31111,7 +25357,7 @@ Men love to wonder, and that is the seed of science. % Men never do evil so completely and cheerfully as when they do it from religious conviction. - -- Blaise Pascal, "Pensées", 1670 + -- Blaise Pascal, "Pens'ees", 1670 % Men never make passes at girls wearing glasses. -- Dorothy Parker @@ -31134,7 +25380,7 @@ and tears. ... It is the same thing which makes us mad or delirious, inspires us with dread and fear, whether by night or by day, brings us sleeplessness, inopportune mistakes, aimless anxieties, absent-mindedness and acts that are contrary to habit... - -- Hippocrates "The Sacred Disease" + -- Hippocrates, "The Sacred Disease" % Men say of women what pleases them; women do with men what pleases them. -- DeSegur @@ -31150,12 +25396,6 @@ Men use thought only to justify their wrong doings, and speech only to conceal their thoughts. -- Voltaire % -Men were real men, women were real women, and small, furry creatures -from Alpha Centauri were REAL small, furry creatures from Alpha Centauri. -Spirits were brave, men boldly split infinitives that no man had split -before. Thus was the Empire forged. - -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" -% Men who cherish for women the highest respect are seldom popular with them. -- Joseph Addison @@ -31172,10 +25412,10 @@ Mencken and Nathan's Fifteenth Law of The Average American: Mencken and Nathan's Sixteenth Law of The Average American: Milking a cow is an operation demanding a special talent that - is possessed only by yokels, and no person born in a large city - can ever hope to acquire it. +is possessed only by yokels, and no person born in a large city can +ever hope to acquire it. % -Mene, mene, tekel, upharsen. +Mene, mene, tekel, upharsin. % Mental power tended to corrupt, and absolute intelligence tended to corrupt absolutely, until the victim eschewed violence entirely in @@ -31186,81 +25426,28 @@ Mental things which have not gone in through the senses are vain and bring forth no truth except detrimental. -- Leonardo % -MENU: - A list of dishes which the restaurant has just run out of. -% -Meskimen's Law: - There's never time to do it right, but there's always time to - do it over. -% Message from Our Sponsor on ttyTV at 13:58 ... % -Message will arrive in the mail. -Destroy, before the FBI sees it. -% METEOROLOGIST: One who doubts the established fact that it is bound to rain if you forget your umbrella. % Metermaids eat their young. % -Mickey Mouse wears a Spiro Agnew watch. -% MICRO: Thinker toys. % -Micro Credo: - Never trust a computer bigger than you can lift. -% Microbiology Lab: Staph Only! % Microwaves frizz your heir. % Mieux vaut tard que jamais! % -Might as well be frank, monsieur. It would take a miracle to -get you out of Casablanca and the Germans have outlawed miracles. - -- Casablanca -% -Miksch's Law: - If a string has one end, then it has another end. -% Militant agnostic: I don't know, and you don't either. % -Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms. - -- Groucho Marx -% -Military justice is to justice what military music is to music. - -- Groucho Marx -% Miller's Slogan: Lose a few, lose a few. % -millihelen, adj: - The amount of beauty required to launch one ship. -% -Millions long for immortality who do not know what -to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon. - -- Susan Ertz -% -Millions of sensible people are too high-minded to concede that politics is -almost always the choice of the lesser evil. "Tweedledum and Tweedledee," -they say. "I will not vote." Having abstained, they are presented with a -President who appoints the people who are going to rummage around in their -lives for the next four years. Consider all the people who sat home in a -stew in 1968 rather than vote for Hubert Humphrey. They showed Humphrey. -Those people who taught Hubert Humphrey a lesson will still be enjoying the -Nixon Supreme Court when Tricia and Julie begin to find silver threads among -the gold and the black. - -- Russel Baker, "Ford without Flummery" -% -Mind! I don't mean to say that I know, of my own knowledge, what there is -particularly dead about a door-nail. I might have been inclined, myself, -to regard a coffin-nail as the deadest piece of ironmongery in the trade. -But the wisdom of our ancestors is in the simile; and my unhallowed hands -shall not disturb it, or the Country's done for. You will therefore permit -me to repeat, emphatically, that Marley was as dead as a door-nail. -% "Mind if I smoke?" "I don't care if you burst into flames and die!" % @@ -31289,23 +25476,12 @@ Minnesota -- land of the ski and home of the crazed. land of 10,000 Petersons. % -Minnie Mouse is a slow maze learner. -% MIPS: Meaningless Indicator of Processor Speed % Mirrors should reflect a little before throwing back images. -- Jean Cocteau % -Misery loves company, but company does not reciprocate. -% -Misery no longer loves company. -Nowadays it insists on it. - -- Russell Baker -% -MISFORTUNE: - The kind of fortune that never misses. -% Misfortunes arrive on wings and leave on foot. % MISS: @@ -31319,14 +25495,10 @@ Mistrust first impulses; they are always right. MIT: The Georgia Tech of the North % -Mitchell's Law of Committees: - Any simple problem can be made insoluble - if enough meetings are held to discuss it. -% mittsquinter, adj: A ballplayer who looks into his glove after missing the ball, as if, somehow, the cause of the error lies there. - -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends + -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets" % Mix a little foolishness with your serious plans; it's lovely to be silly at the right moment. @@ -31342,26 +25514,8 @@ Mix's Law: % Mobius strippers never show you their back side. % -MOCK APPLE PIE (No Apples Needed) - - Pastry to two crust 9-inch pie 36 RITZ Crackers -2 cups water 2 cups sugar -2 teaspoons cream of tartar 2 tablespoons lemon juice - Grated rind of one lemon Butter or margarine - Cinnamon - -Roll out bottom crust of pastry and fit into 9-inch pie plate. Break -RITZ Crackers coarsley into pastry-lined plate. Combine water, sugar -and cream of tartar in saucepan, boil gently for 15 minutes. Add lemon -juice and rind. Cool. Pour this syrup over Crackers, dot generously -with butter or margarine and sprinkle with cinnamon. Cover with top -crust. Trim and flute edges together. Cut slits in top crust to let -steam escape. Bake in a hot oven (425 F) 30 to 35 minutes, until crust -is crisp and golden. Serve warm. Cut into 6 to 8 slices. - -- Found lurking on a Ritz Crackers box -% Modeling paged and segmented memories is tricky business. - -- P.J. Denning + -- P. J. Denning % modem, adj: Up-to-date, new-fangled, as in "Thoroughly Modem Millie." An @@ -31377,8 +25531,6 @@ Modern art is what happens when painters stop looking at girls and persuade themselves that they have a better idea. -- John Ciardi % -Modern man is the missing link between apes and human beings. -% Modern psychology takes completely for granted that behavior and neural function are perfectly correlated, that one is completely caused by the other. There is no separate soul or lifeforce to stick a finger into the @@ -31389,14 +25541,14 @@ is important also to see that we have not reached that day yet: the working assumption is a necessary one and there is no real evidence opposed to it. Our failure to solve a problem so far does not make it insoluble. One cannot logically be a determinist in physics and biology, and a mystic in psychology. - -- D.O. Hebb, "Organization of Behavior: A Neuropsychological + -- D. O. Hebb, "Organization of Behavior: A Neuropsychological Theory", 1949 % MODESTY: Being comfortable that others will discover your greatness. % Modesty is a vastly overrated virtue. - -- J.K. Galbraith + -- J. K. Galbraith % Modesty: the gentle art of enhancing your charm by pretending not to be aware of it. @@ -31412,10 +25564,6 @@ Joe: The usual gift -- she ate my heart out. % Moebius always does it on the same side. % -Mohandas K. Gandhi often changed his mind publicly. An aide once asked him -how he could so freely contradict this week what he had said just last week. -The great man replied that it was because this week he knew better. -% Moishe Margolies, who weighed all of 105 pounds and stood an even five feet in his socks, was taking his first airplane trip. He took a seat next to a hulking bruiser of a man who happened to be the heavyweight champion of @@ -31436,10 +25584,6 @@ MOLECULE: of matter... The ion differs from the molecule, the corpuscle and the atom in that it is an ion... % -Mollison's Bureaucracy Hypothesis: - If an idea can survive a bureaucratic review - and be implemented it wasn't worth doing. -% MOMENTUM: What you give a person when they are going away. % @@ -31453,8 +25597,6 @@ MONDAY: In Christian countries, the day after the football game. -- Ambrose Bierce % -Monday is an awful way to spend one seventh of your life. -% Money and women are the most sought after and the least known of any two things we have. -- The Best of Will Rogers @@ -31469,11 +25611,11 @@ To the man-in-the-street, who, I'm sorry to say, Is a keen observer of life, The word intellectual suggests right away A man who's untrue to his wife. - -- W.H. Auden, "Collected Shorter Poems" + -- W. H. Auden, "Collected Shorter Poems" % Money can't buy happiness, but it can make you awfully comfortable while you're being miserable. - -- C.B. Luce + -- C. B. Luce % Money can't buy love, but it improves your bargaining position. -- Christopher Marlowe @@ -31486,10 +25628,6 @@ Money is a powerful aphrodisiac. But flowers work almost as well. % Money is its own reward. % -Money is the root of all evil, and man needs roots. -% -Money is the root of all wealth. -% Money is truthful. If a man speaks of his honor, make him pay cash. -- Lazarus Long % @@ -31508,7 +25646,7 @@ Moneyliness is next to Godliness. -- Andries van Dam % Monogamy is the Western custom of one wife and hardly any mistresses. - -- H.H. Munro + -- H. H. Munro % MONOTONY: Marriage to one woman at a time. @@ -31524,42 +25662,20 @@ in California ... [it] is also a great place for cock-fighting, gambling of all sorts, fandangos, and various kinds of amusements and knavery. -- Richard Henry Dama, "Two Years Before the Mast", 1840 % -moon, n: - 1. A celestial object whose phase is very important to -hackers. See PHASE OF THE MOON. 2. Dave Moon (MOON@MC). -% Moore's Constant: Everybody sets out to do something, and everybody does something, but no one does what he sets out to do. % -mophobia, n: - Fear of being verbally abused by a Mississippian. -% More are taken in by hope than by cunning. -- Vauvenargues % More people are flattered into virtue than bullied out of vice. - -- R.S. Surtees + -- R. S. Surtees % More people died at Chappaquidick than at 3-mile island. % More people have died in Ted Kennedy's car than in nuclear power plants. % -MORE SPORTS RESULTS: -The Beverly Hills Freudians tied the Chicago Rogerians 0-0 last Saturday -night. The match started with a long period of silence while the Freudians -waited for the Rogerians to free associate and the Rogerians waited for -the Freudians to say something they could paraphrase. The stalemate was -broken when the Freudians' best player took the offensive and interpreted -the Rogerians' silence as reflecting their anal-retentive personalities. -At this the Rogerians' star player said "I hear you saying you think we're -full of ka-ka." This started a fight and the match was called by officials. -% -More than any time in history, mankind now faces a crossroads. One path -leads to despair and utter hopelessness, the other to total extinction. -Let us pray that we have the wisdom to choose correctly. - -- Woody Allen, "Side Effects" -% Morris had been down on his luck for months, and, though not a devoutly religious man, had begun to visit the local synagogue to ask God's help. One week, out of desperation, he prayed, "God, I've been a good and decent @@ -31578,10 +25694,6 @@ Mos Eisley Spaceport; you'll not find a more wretched collection of villainy and disreputable types... -- Obi-wan Kenobi, "Star Wars" % -Mosher's Law of Software Engineering: - Don't worry if it doesn't work right. - If everything did, you'd be out of a job. -% MOSQUITO: The state bird of New Jersey. % @@ -31633,7 +25745,7 @@ Most people are unable to write because they are unable to think, and they are unable to think because they congenitally lack the equipment to do so, just as they congenitally lack the equipment to fly over the moon. - -- H.L. Mencken + -- H. L. Mencken % Most people can do without the essentials, but not without the luxuries. % @@ -31644,14 +25756,14 @@ Most people don't need a great deal of love nearly so much as they need a steady supply. % Most people eat as though they were fattening themselves for market. - -- E.W. Howe + -- E. W. Howe % Most people feel that everyone is entitled to their opinion. % Most people have a furious itch to talk about themselves and are restrained only by the disinclination of others to listen. Reserve is an artificial quality that is developed in most of us as the result of innumerable rebuffs. - -- W.S. Maugham + -- W. S. Maugham % Most people have a mind that's open by appointment only. % @@ -31697,8 +25809,6 @@ there would be so many. Mother said there would be days like this, but she never said there would be so many. % -Mother told me to be good but she's been wrong before. -% Mothers all want their sons to grow up to be President, but they don't want them to become politicians in the process. -- John F. Kennedy @@ -31714,10 +25824,6 @@ MOUNT TAPE U1439 ON B3, NO RING Mountain Dew and doughnuts... because breakfast is the most important meal of the day. % -Mr. Cole's Axiom: - The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant; the - population is growing. -% Mr. Rockford? This is Betty Joe Withers. I got four shirts of yours from the Bo Peep Cleaners by mistake. I don't know why they gave me men's shirts but they're going back. @@ -31775,16 +25881,6 @@ None the less, since it *was* his, they ate it -- that's what haggis is. % Multics is security spelled sideways. % -"Multiply in your head" (ordered the compassionate Dr. Adams) "365,365,365, -365,365,365 by 365,365,365,365,365,365". He [ten-year-old Truman Henry -Safford] flew around the room like a top, pulled his pantaloons over the -tops of his boots, bit his hands, rolled his eyes in their sockets, sometimes -smiling and talking, and then seeming to be in an agony, until, in not more -than one minute, said he, 133,491,850,208,566,925,016,658,299,941,583,225!" -An electronic computer might do the job a little faster but it wouldn't be -as much fun to watch. - -- James R. Newman, "The World of Mathematics" -% MUMMY: An Egyptian who was pressed for time. % @@ -31820,14 +25916,6 @@ talk about after dinner. % Murphy was an optimist. % -Murphy's Law is recursive. Washing your car to make it rain doesn't work. -% -Murphy's Law of Research: - Enough research will tend to support your theory. -% -Murphy's Law, that brash proletarian restatement of Godel's Theorem. - -- Thomas Pynchon, "Gravity's Rainbow" -% Murphy's Laws: (1) If anything can go wrong, it will. (2) Nothing is as easy as it looks. @@ -31847,10 +25935,7 @@ Must I hold a candle to my shames? MUSTGO: Any item of food that has been sitting in the refrigerator so long it has become a science project. - -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends -% -My advice to you, my violent friend, is to seek out gold and sit on it. - -- The Dragon to Grendel, in John Gardner's "Grendel" + -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets" % My analyst told me that I was right out of my head, But I said, "Dear Doctor, I think that it is you instead. @@ -31882,7 +25967,7 @@ said, "So will you." My brain is my second favorite organ. -- Woody Allen % -My brother sent me a postcard the other day with this big sattelite photo +My brother sent me a postcard the other day with this big satellite photo of the entire earth on it. On the back it said: "Wish you were here". -- Steven Wright % @@ -31895,7 +25980,7 @@ Yea, tho I walk through the valley of surprise quizzes, I will fear no prof, for my calculator is there to hearten me. It prepareth a log table to comfort me, it prepareth an arc sin for me in the presence of my teachers. -It annoints my homework with correct solutions, my interpolations are +It anoints my homework with correct solutions, my interpolations are over. Surely, both precision and accuracy shall follow me all the days of my life, and I shall dwell in the house of Texas instruments forever. @@ -31913,11 +25998,11 @@ just as high and wild as I was: no doubt at all about that. "My country, right or wrong" is a thing that no patriot would think of saying, except in a desperate case. It is like saying "My mother, drunk or sober." - -- G.K. Chesterton, "The Defendant" + -- G. K. Chesterton, "The Defendant" % "My country right or wrong" is like saying, "My mother drunk or sober." - -- G.K. Chesterton + -- G. K. Chesterton % My cup hath runneth'd over with love. % @@ -31926,16 +26011,12 @@ I drowned her in a cask of rum, And so made sure that she would stay In better spirits night and day. % -My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. -Unless there are three other people. - -- Orson Welles -% My doctorate's in Literature, but it seems like a pretty good pulse to me. % My experience with government is when things are non-controversial, beautifully co-ordinated and all the rest, it must be that not much is going on. - -- J.F. Kennedy + -- J. F. Kennedy % My family history begins with me, but yours ends with you. -- Iphicrates @@ -31951,14 +26032,14 @@ My father taught me three things: % My father was a God-fearing man, but he never missed a copy of the New York Times, either. - -- E.B. White + -- E. B. White % My father was a saint, I'm not. -- Indira Gandhi % My favorite sandwich is peanut butter, baloney, cheddar cheese, lettuce and mayonnaise on toasted bread with catsup on the side. - -- Senator Hubert Humphrey + -- Hubert H. Humphrey % My first basename is George "Catfish" Metkovich from our 1952 Pittsburgh Pirates team, which lost 112 games. After a terrible series against the @@ -31986,12 +26067,6 @@ back and dig her up. "My God! Are we sure he was a liberal?" "Pretty sure. They pulled him from a Volvo." % -My God, I'm depressed! Here I am, a computer with a mind a thousand times -as powerful as yours, doing nothing but cranking out fortunes and sending -mail about softball games. And I've got this pain right through my ALU. -I've asked for it to be replaced, but nobody ever listens. I think it -would be better for us both if you were to just log out again. -% My, how you've changed since I've changed. % My idea of roughing it is when room service is late. @@ -32001,29 +26076,9 @@ My idea of roughing it turning the air conditioner too low. My interest is in the future because I am going to spend the rest of my life there. % -My love, he's mad, and my love, he's fleet, - And a wild young wood-thing bore him! -The ways are fair to his roaming feet, - And the skies are sunlit for him. -As sharply sweet to my heart he seems - As the fragrance of acacia. -My own dear love, he is all my dreams -- - And I wish he were in Asia. - -- Dorothy Parker, part 2 -% -My love runs by like a day in June, - And he makes no friends of sorrows. -He'll tread his galloping rigadoon - In the pathway or the morrows. -He'll live his days where the sunbeams start - Nor could storm or wind uproot him. -My own dear love, he is all my heart -- - And I wish somebody'd shoot him. - -- Dorothy Parker, part 3 -% My method is to take the utmost trouble to find the right thing to say. And then say it with the utmost levity. - -- G.B. Shaw + -- George Bernard Shaw % My mind can never know my body, although it has become quite friendly with my legs. @@ -32032,10 +26087,6 @@ it has become quite friendly with my legs. My mother drinks to forget she drinks. -- Crazy Jimmy % -My mother loved children -- she would -have given anything if I had been one. - -- Groucho Marx -% My mother once said to me, "Elwood," (she always called me Elwood) "Elwood, in this world you must be oh so smart or oh so pleasant." For years I tried smart. I recommend pleasant. @@ -32065,20 +26116,8 @@ My only love sprung from my only hate! Too early seen unknown, and known too late! -- William Shakespeare, "Romeo and Juliet" % -My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right. -% My own business always bores me to death; I prefer other people's. - -- O. Wilde -% -My own dear love, he is strong and bold - And he cares not what comes after. -His words ring sweet as a chime of gold, - And his eyes are lit with laughter. -He is jubilant as a flag unfurled -- - Oh, a girl, she'd not forget him. -My own dear love, he is all my world -- - And I wish I'd never met him. - -- Dorothy Parker, part 1 + -- Oscar Wilde % My own life has been spent chronicling the rise and fall of human systems, and I am convinced that we are terribly vulnerable. ... We should be @@ -32090,17 +26129,8 @@ from which we can explore and understand and utilize it. To turn back now would be to deny our history, our capabilities. -- James A. Michener % -"My pants just went on a wild rampage through a Long Island Bowling Alley!!" - -- Zippy the Pinhead -% My parents went to Niagra Falls and all I got was this crummy life. % -My pen is at the bottom of a page, -Which, being finished, here the story ends; -'Tis to be wished it had been sooner done, -But stories somehow lengthen when begun. - -- Byron -% My philosophy is: Don't think. -- Charles Manson % @@ -32112,7 +26142,7 @@ Any man who has $10,000 left when he dies is a failure. % My rackets are run on strictly American lines, and they're going to stay that way. - -- A. Capone + -- Al Capone % My religion consists of a humble admiration of the illimitable superior spirit who reveals himself in the slight details we are able to perceive @@ -32150,9 +26180,6 @@ I shudder at the thought of men I'm due to fall in love again. -- Dorothy Parker, "Enough Rope" % -My theology, briefly, is that the universe was dictated but not signed. - -- Christopher Morley -% My uncle was the town drunk -- and we lived in Chicago. -- George Gobel % @@ -32160,17 +26187,9 @@ My way of joking is to tell the truth. That's the funniest joke in the world. -- Muhammad Ali % -My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies. -% Mystics always hope that science will some day overtake them. -- Booth Tarkington % -mythology, n: - The body of a primitive people's beliefs, concerning its origin, - early history, heroes, deities and so forth, as distinguished - from the true accounts which it invents later. - -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" -% Naches (rhymes with Bach' us, with "Bach" pronounced like the composer) is what every Jewish parent wants from their children, lots of good returns, good grades, good spouse, good grandchildren. @@ -32206,39 +26225,7 @@ Sit on a potato pan, Otis. narcolepulacyi, n: The contagious action of yawning, causing everyone in sight to also yawn. - -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends -% -Nasrudin called at a large house to collect for charity. The servant said -"My master is out." Nasrudin replied, "Tell your master that next time he -goes out, he should not leave his face at the window. Someone might steal -it." -% -Nasrudin returned to his village from the imperial capital, and the villagers -gathered around to hear what had passed. "At this time," said Nasrudin, "I -only want to say that the King spoke to me." All the villagers but the -stupidest ran off to spread the wonderful news. The remaining villager -asked, "What did the King say to you?" "What he said -- and quite distinctly, -for everyone to hear -- was 'Get out of my way!'" The simpleton was overjoyed; -he had heard words actually spoken by the King, and seen the very man they -were spoken to. -% -Nasrudin walked into a shop one day, and the owner came forward to serve -him. Nasrudin said, "First things first. Did you see me walk into your -shop?" - "Of course." - "Have you ever seen me before?" - "Never." - "Then how do you know it was me?" -% -Nasrudin walked into a teahouse and declaimed, "The moon is more useful -than the sun." - "Why?", he was asked. - "Because at night we need the light more." -% -Nasrudin was carrying home a piece of liver and the recipe for liver pie. -Suddenly a bird of prey swooped down and snatched the piece of meat from -his hand. As the bird flew off, Nasrudin called after it, "Foolish bird! -You have the liver, but what can you do with it without the recipe?" + -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets" % National security is in your hands - guard it well. % @@ -32254,31 +26241,15 @@ for lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same in every country. -- Hermann Goering % -Nature abhors a hero. For one thing, he violates the law of conservation -of energy. For another, how can it be the survival of the fittest when the -fittest keeps putting himself in situations where he is most likely to be -creamed? - -- Solomon Short -% Nature abhors a virgin -- a frozen asset. -- Clare Booth Luce % Nature always sides with the hidden flaw. % -Nature and nature's laws lay hid in night, -God said, "Let Newton be," and all was light. - -It did not last; the devil howling "Ho! -Let Einstein be!" restored the status quo. -% Nature has given women so much power that the law has very wisely given them little. -- Dr. Samuel Johnson % -Nature is by and large to be found out of doors, a location where, -it cannot be argued, there are never enough comfortable chairs. - -- Fran Lebowitz -% Nature makes boys and girls lovely to look upon so they can be tolerated until they acquire some sense. -- William Phelps @@ -32316,10 +26287,6 @@ when the moon is out, he can feel it on his face" -- Barry Gifford % -Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you -want to test a man's character, give him power. - -- Abraham Lincoln -% Nearly every complex solution to a programming problem that I have looked at carefully has turned out to be wrong. -- Brent Welch @@ -32330,8 +26297,6 @@ Necessity has no law. Necessity hath no law. -- Oliver Cromwell % -Necessity is a mother. -% "Necessity is the mother of invention" is a silly proverb. "Necessity is the mother of futile dodges" is much nearer the truth. -- Alfred North Whitehead @@ -32340,9 +26305,6 @@ Necessity is the plea for every infringement of human freedom. It is the argument of tyrants; it is the creed of slaves. -- William Pitt, 1783 % -Neckties strangle clear thinking. - -- Lin Yutang -% Needs are a function of what other people have. % Negative expectations yield negative results. @@ -32404,8 +26366,6 @@ the one you are least interested, and say nothing about the other. Never be afraid to tell the world who you are. -- Anonymous % -Never be led astray onto the path of virtue. -% Never buy from a rich salesman. -- Goldenstern % @@ -32413,10 +26373,6 @@ Never buy what you do not want because it is cheap; it will be dear to you. -- Thomas Jefferson % -Never call a man a fool. Borrow from him. -% -Never count your chickens before they rip your lips off. -% Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour. % Never do today what you can put off until tomorrow. @@ -32434,9 +26390,6 @@ Never eat at a place called Mom's. Never play cards with a man named Doc. And never lie down with a woman who's got more troubles than you. -- Nelson Algren, "What Every Young Man Should Know" % -Never eat more than you can lift. - -- Miss Piggy -% Never, ever lie to someone you love unless you're absolutely sure they'll never find out the truth. % @@ -32467,8 +26420,6 @@ Never have children, only grandchildren. Never have so many understood so little about so much. -- James Burke % -Never hit a man with glasses; hit him with a baseball bat. -% Never insult an alligator until you've crossed the river. % Never invest your money in anything that eats or needs repainting. @@ -32480,7 +26431,7 @@ Never keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level. Never kick a man, unless he's down. % Never laugh at live dragons. - -- Bilbo Baggins + -- Bilbo Baggins, "The Hobbit" % Never leave anything to chance; make sure all your crimes are premeditated. @@ -32491,20 +26442,11 @@ Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth. Never let someone who says it cannot be done interrupt the person who is doing it. % -Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right. - -- Salvor Hardin, "Foundation" -% Never look a gift horse in the mouth. -- Saint Jerome % Never look up when dragons fly overhead. % -Never make anything simple and efficient when a -way can be found to make it complex and wonderful. -% -Never offend people with style when you can offend them with substance. - -- Sam Brown, "The Washington Post", January 26, 1977 -% Never offend with style when you can offend with substance. % Never pay a compliment as if expecting a receipt. @@ -32517,8 +26459,6 @@ Never promise more than you can perform. Never put off till run-time what you can do at compile-time. -- D. Gries % -Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid all together. -% Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after. % Never raise your hand to your children -- it leaves your midsection @@ -32568,20 +26508,15 @@ Never trust anyone who says money is no object. % Never try to explain computers to a layman. It's easier to explain sex to a virgin. - -- Robert Heinlein + -- Robert A. Heinlein (Note, however, that virgins tend to know a lot about computers.) % -Never try to outstubborn a cat. - -- Lazarus Long -% Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time and annoys the pig. % -Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes. -% Never underestimate the power of human stupidity. - -- Robert Heinlein + -- Robert A. Heinlein % Never use "etc." -- it makes people think there is more where there is not or that there is not space to list it all, etc. @@ -32589,33 +26524,18 @@ there is not or that there is not space to list it all, etc. Never volunteer for anything. -- Lackland % -Never worry about theory as long as the -machinery does what it's supposed to do. - -- R.A. Heinlein -% new, adj: Different color from previous model. % -New crypt. See /usr/news/crypt. -% New England Life, of course. Why? % New England Life, of course. Why do you ask? % -New members are urgently needed in the Society -for Prevention of Cruelty to Yourself. Apply within. -% New release: Abortions are becoming so popular in some countries that the waiting time to get one is lengthening rapidly. Experts predict that at this rate there will soon be an up to a one year wait. % -New systems generate new problems. -% -New Year's Eve is the time of year when a man most feels his -age, and his wife most often reminds him to act it. - -- Webster's Unafraid Dictionary -% New York now leads the world's great cities in the number of people around whom you shouldn't make a sudden move. -- David Letterman @@ -32625,14 +26545,10 @@ Flyin' in from London to your door New York-- lookin' down on Central Park Where they say you should not wander after dark. New York. - -- Simon and Garfunkle + -- Simon and Garfunkel % New York's got the ways and means, just won't let you be. % -Newlan's Truism: - An "acceptable" level of unemployment means that the - government economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job. -% Newman's Discovery: Your best dreams may not come true; fortunately, neither will your worst dreams. @@ -32641,10 +26557,6 @@ Newpaper editors are men who separate the wheat from the chaff, and then print the chaff. -- Adlai Stevenson % -NEWS FLASH!! - Today the East German pole-vault champion - became the West German pole-vault champion. -% news: gotcha % NEWSFLASH!! @@ -32652,15 +26564,6 @@ NEWSFLASH!! 1700 N. 17th St. this morning to see if the elevator was on its way down. It was. Age 31. % -Newton's Little-Known Seventh Law: - A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead. -% -Next Friday will not be your lucky day. -As a matter of fact, you don't have a lucky day this year. -% -Nice boy, but about as sharp as a sack of wet mice. - -- Foghorn Leghorn -% Nice guys don't finish nice. % Nice guys finish last. @@ -32682,54 +26585,9 @@ Nietzsche says that we will live the same life, over and over again. God -- I'll have to sit through the Ice Capades again. -- Woody Allen, "Hannah and Her Sisters" % -Nihilism should commence with oneself. -% -Niklaus Wirth has lamented that, whereas Europeans pronounce his -name correctly (Ni-klows Virt), Americans invariably mangle it into -(Nick-les Worth). Which is to say that Europeans call him by name, -but Americans call him by value. -% -Nine megs for the secretaries fair, -Seven megs for the hackers scarce, -Five megs for the grads in smoky lairs, -Three megs for system source; - -One disk to rule them all, -One disk to bind them, -One disk to hold the files -And in the darkness grind 'em. -% -Nine-track tapes and seven-track tapes -And tapes without any tracks; -Stretchy tapes and snarley tapes -And tapes mixed up on the racks -- - Take hold of the tape - And pull off the strip, - And then you'll be sure - Your tape drive will skip. - - -- Uncle Colonel's Cursory Rhymes -% Ninety percent of the politicians give the other ten percent a bad reputation. -- Henry Kissinger % -Ninety percent of the time things turn out worse than you thought they would. -The other ten percent of the time you had no right to expect that much. - -- Augustine -% -Ninety percent of the time things turn out worse than you thought they -would. The other ten percent of the time you had no right to expect -that much. - -- Augustine -% -Ninety-Ninety Rule of Project Schedules: - The first ninety percent of the task takes ninety percent of - the time, and the last ten percent takes the other ninety percent. -% -Nirvana? That's the place where the powers -that be and their friends hang out. - -- Zonker Harris -% Nitwit ideas are for emergencies. You use them when you've got nothing else to try. If they work, they go in the Book. Otherwise you follow the Book, which is largely a collection of nitwit ideas that worked. @@ -32767,9 +26625,6 @@ lectures which are really worth the attending. No doubt Jack the Ripper excused himself on the grounds that it was human nature. % -No, `Eureka' is Greek for `This bath is too hot.' - -- Dr. Who -% No evil can happen to a good man. -- Plato % @@ -32783,9 +26638,6 @@ No friendship is so cordial or so delicious as that of girl for girl; no hatred so intense or immovable as that of woman for woman. -- Landor % -No good deed goes unpunished. - -- Clare Booth Luce -% No group of professionals meets except to conspire against the public at large. -- Mark Twain @@ -32845,10 +26697,6 @@ No man can have a reasonable opinion of women until he has long lost interest in hair restorers. -- Austin O'Malley % -No man in the world has more courage than the man who can stop after eating -one peanut. - -- Channing Pollock -% No man is an Iland, intire of it selfe; every man is a peece of the Continent, a part of the maine; if a Clod bee washed away by the Sea, Europe is the lesse, as well as if a Promontorie were, as well as if @@ -32857,8 +26705,6 @@ me, because I am involved in Mankinde; And therefore never send to know for whom the bell tolls; It tolls for thee. -- John Donne, "No Man is an Iland" % -No man is an island, but some of us are long peninsulas. -% No man is an island if he's on at least one mailing list. % No man is useless who has a friend, @@ -32866,7 +26712,7 @@ and if we are loved we are indispensable. -- Robert Louis Stevenson % No man would listen to you talk if he didn't know it was his turn next. - -- E.W. Howe + -- E. W. Howe % No man's ambition has a right to stand in the way of performing a simple act of justice. @@ -32890,9 +26736,6 @@ No matter how old a mother is, she watches her middle-aged children for signs of improvement. -- Florida Scott-Maxwell % -No matter how subtle the wizard, a knife in the shoulder blades will seriously -cramp his style. -% No matter what happens, there is always someone who knew it would. % No matter where I go, the place is always called "here". @@ -32923,10 +26766,7 @@ No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish. % No one can have a higher opinion of him than I have, and I think he's a dirty little beast. - -- W.S. Gilbert -% -No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. - -- Eleanor Roosevelt + -- W. S. Gilbert % No one can put you down without your full cooperation. % @@ -32959,41 +26799,15 @@ It's risky enough when the weather is fine. But to have a pig soar when the monsoon doth roar Cast even more perils before swine. % -No plain fanfold paper could hold that fractal Puff -- -He grew so fast no plotting pack could shrink him far enough. -Compiles and simulations grew so quickly tame -And swapped out all their data space when Puff pushed his stack frame. - (refrain) -Puff, he grew so quickly, while others moved like snails -And mini-Puffs would perch themselves on his gigantic tail. -All the student hackers loved that fractal Puff -But DCS did not like Puff, and finally said, "Enough!" - (refrain) -Puff used more resources than DCS could spare. -The operator killed Puff's job -- he didn't seem to care. -A gloom fell on the hackers; it seemed to be the end, -But Puff trapped the exception, and grew from naught again! - (refrain) -Refrain: - Puff the fractal dragon was written in C, - And frolicked while processes switched in mainframe memory. - Puff the fractal dragon was written in C, - And frolicked while processes switched in mainframe memory. -% No poet or novelist wishes he was the only one who ever lived, but most of them wish they were the only one alive, and quite a number fondly believe their wish has been granted. - -- W.H. Auden, "The Dyer's Hand" + -- W. H. Auden, "The Dyer's Hand" % No problem is insoluble in all conceivable circumstances. % No problem is so formidable that you can't just walk away from it. % -No problem is so formidable that you can't just walk away from it. - -- C. Schulz -% -No problem is so large it can't be fit in somewhere. -% "No program is perfect," They said with a shrug. "The customer's happy-- @@ -33015,13 +26829,6 @@ Logic, deduction. Accepted his fate. "Just change one instruction." He's just working late." -- The Perfect Programmer % -No proper program contains an indication which as an operator-applied -occurrence identifies an operator-defining occurrence which as an -indication-applied occurrence identifies an indication-defining occurrence -different from the one identified by the given indication as an -indication-applied occurrence. - -- ALGOL 68 Report -% No question is so difficult as one to which the answer is obvious. % No rock so hard but that a little wave @@ -33030,13 +26837,13 @@ May beat admission in a thousand years. % No self-made man ever did such a good job that some woman didn't want to make some alterations. - -- Kim Hubbard + -- Kin Hubbard % No skis take rocks like rental skis! % No small art is it to sleep: it is necessary for that purpose to keep awake all day. - -- Nietzsche + -- Friedrich Nietzsche % No snowflake in an avalanche ever feels responsible. % @@ -33059,19 +26866,12 @@ No two persons ever read the same book. No use getting too involved in life -- you're only here for a limited time. % -No violence, gentlemen -- no violence, I beg of you! Consider the furniture! - -- Sherlock Holmes -% -No woman can call herself free until she can choose consciously whether -she will or will not be a mother. - -- Margaret H. Sanger -% No woman can endure a gambling husband, unless he is a steady winner. -- Lord Thomas Dewar % No woman ever falls in love with a man unless she has a better opinion of him than he deserves. - -- Edgar Watson Howe + -- Edgar W. Howe % No wonder Clairol makes so much money selling shampoo. Lather, Rinse, Repeat is an infinite loop! @@ -33080,34 +26880,8 @@ No wonder you're tired! You understood so much today. % No yak too dirty; no dumpster too hollow. % -Nobert Weiner was the subject of many dotty professor stories. Weiner was, in -fact, very absent minded. The following story is told about him: when they -moved from Cambridge to Newton his wife, knowing that he would be absolutely -useless on the move, packed him off to MIT while she directed the move. Since -she was certain that he would forget that they had moved and where they had -moved to, she wrote down the new address on a piece of paper, and gave it to -him. Naturally, in the course of the day, an insight occurred to him. He -reached in his pocket, found a piece of paper on which he furiously scribbled -some notes, thought it over, decided there was a fallacy in his idea, and -threw the piece of paper away. At the end of the day he went home (to the -old address in Cambridge, of course). When he got there he realized that they -had moved, that he had no idea where they had moved to, and that the piece of -paper with the address was long gone. Fortunately inspiration struck. There -was a young girl on the street and he conceived the idea of asking her where -he had moved to, saying, "Excuse me, perhaps you know me. I'm Norbert Weiner -and we've just moved. Would you know where we've moved to?" To which the -young girl replied, "Yes, Daddy, Mommy thought you would forget." - The capper to the story is that I asked his daughter (the girl in the -story) about the truth of the story, many years later. She said that it wasn't -quite true -- that he never forgot who his children were! The rest of it, -however, was pretty close to what actually happened... - -- Richard Harter -% Nobody can be as agreeable as an uninvited guest. % -Nobody can be exactly like me. Even I have trouble doing it. - -- Tallulah Bankhead -% Nobody ever died from oven crude poisoning. % Nobody ever forgets where he buried the hatchet. @@ -33115,8 +26889,6 @@ Nobody ever forgets where he buried the hatchet. % Nobody ever ruined their eyesight by looking at the bright side of something. % -NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION. -% Nobody is one block of harmony. We are all afraid of something, or feel limited in something. We all need somebody to talk to. It would be good if we talked to each other--not just pitter-patter, but real talk. We @@ -33154,20 +26926,12 @@ Only Capone kills like that. The only man who kills like that is Bugs Moran. -- Al Capone, on the Saint Valentine's Day Massacre % -Nobody suffers the pain of birth or the anguish of loving a child in order -for presidents to make wars, for governments to feed on the substance of -their people, for insurance companies to cheat the young and rob the old. - -- Lewis Lapham -% Nobody takes a bribe. Of course at Christmas if you happen to hold out your hat and somebody happens to put a little something in it, well, that's different. -- New York City Police Commissioner (Ret.) William P. O'Brien, instructions to the force. % -Nobody wants constructive criticism. -It's all we can do to put up with constructive praise. -% Nobody's gonna believe that computers are intelligent until they start coming in late and lying about it. % @@ -33184,14 +26948,8 @@ nolo contendere: nominal egg: New Yorkerese for expensive. % -Noncombatant: - A dead Quaker. - -- Ambrose Bierce -% Non-Determinism is not meant to be reasonable. - -- M.J. 0'Donnell -% -Nondeterminism means never having to say you are wrong. + -- M. J. 0'Donnell % None love the bearer of bad news. -- Sophocles @@ -33210,7 +26968,7 @@ Nonsense. Space is blue and birds fly through it. -- Heisenberg % Nonsense and beauty have close connections. - -- E.M. Forster + -- E. M. Forster % Noone ever built a statue to a critic. % @@ -33218,6 +26976,29 @@ No-one would remember the Good Samaritan if he had only had good intentions. He had money as well. -- Margaret Thatcher % +Norbert Weiner was the subject of many dotty professor stories. Weiner was, in +fact, very absent minded. The following story is told about him: when they +moved from Cambridge to Newton his wife, knowing that he would be absolutely +useless on the move, packed him off to MIT while she directed the move. Since +she was certain that he would forget that they had moved and where they had +moved to, she wrote down the new address on a piece of paper, and gave it to +him. Naturally, in the course of the day, an insight occurred to him. He +reached in his pocket, found a piece of paper on which he furiously scribbled +some notes, thought it over, decided there was a fallacy in his idea, and +threw the piece of paper away. At the end of the day he went home (to the +old address in Cambridge, of course). When he got there he realized that they +had moved, that he had no idea where they had moved to, and that the piece of +paper with the address was long gone. Fortunately inspiration struck. There +was a young girl on the street and he conceived the idea of asking her where +he had moved to, saying, "Excuse me, perhaps you know me. I'm Norbert Weiner +and we've just moved. Would you know where we've moved to?" To which the +young girl replied, "Yes, Daddy, Mommy thought you would forget." + The capper to the story is that I asked his daughter (the girl in the +story) about the truth of the story, many years later. She said that it wasn't +quite true -- that he never forgot who his children were! The rest of it, +however, was pretty close to what actually happened... + -- Richard Harter +% Norm: Gentlemen, start your taps. -- Cheers, The Coach's Daughter @@ -33311,7 +27092,7 @@ All: Anton! -- Cheers, The Two Faces of Norm Woody: What's going on, Mr. Peterson? -Norm: A flashing sign in my gut that says, ``Insert beer here.'' +Norm: A flashing sign in my gut that says, `Insert beer here.' -- Cheers, Call Me, Irresponsible Sam: What can I get you, Norm? @@ -33348,23 +27129,12 @@ Not every question deserves an answer. % Not everything worth doing is worth doing well. % -Not far from here, by a white sun, behind a green star, lived the -Steelypips, illustrious, industrious, and they hadn't a care: no spats -in their vats, no rules, no schools, no gloom, no evil influence of the -moon, no trouble from matter or antimatter -- for they had a machine, -a dream of a machine, with springs and gears and perfect in every -respect. And they lived with it, and on it, and under it, and inside -it, for it was all they had -- first they saved up all their atoms, -then they put them all together, and if one didn't fit, why they -chipped at it a bit, and everything was just fine... - -- Stanislaw Lem -% Not only is this incomprehensible, but the ink is ugly and the paper is from the wrong kind of tree. -- Professor, EECS, George Washington University I'm looking forward to working with you on this next year. - -- Professor, Harvard, on a senior thesis. + -- Professor, Harvard, on a senior thesis % Not only is UNIX dead, it's starting to smell really bad. -- Rob Pike @@ -33393,28 +27163,9 @@ and/or frogs falling from the sky. % Note to myself: use real bullets next time. % -Notes for a ballet, "The Spell:" ... Suddenly Sigmund hears the -flutter of wings, and a group of wild swans flies across the moon ... -Sigmund is astounded to see that their leader is part swan and part -woman -- unfortunately, divided lengthwise. She enchants Sigmund, who -is careful not to make any poultry jokes... - -- Woody Allen -% -Notes for a ballet, "The Spell": ... Suddenly Sigmund hears the flutter of -wings, and a group of wild swans flies across the moon ... Sigmund is -astounded to see that their leader is part swan and part woman -- -unfortunately, divided lengthwise. She enchants Sigmund, who is careful -not to make any poultry jokes. - -- Woody Allen -% -Nothing astonishes men so much as common sense and plain dealing. - -- Ralph Waldo Emerson -% Nothing can be done in one trip. -- Snider % -Nothing cures insomnia like the realization that it's time to get up. -% Nothing endures but change. -- Heraclitus [Yeah, yeah, "Everything changes but change itself." --JFK Ed.] @@ -33428,7 +27179,7 @@ Nothing in life is so exhilarating as to be shot at without result. Next to being shot at and missed, nothing is really quite as satisfying as an income tax refund. - -- F.J. Raymond + -- F. J. Raymond % Nothing in life is to be feared. It is only to be understood. % @@ -33442,22 +27193,10 @@ Nothing is but what is not. % Nothing is ever a total loss; it can always serve as a bad example. % -Nothing is faster than the speed of light. - -To prove this to yourself, try opening the -refrigerator door before the light comes on. -% Nothing is finished until the paperwork is done. % -Nothing is illegal if one hundred businessmen decide to do it. - -- Andrew Young -% Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself. - -- A.H. Weiler -% -Nothing is more admirable than the fortitude with which -millionaires tolerate the disadvantages of their wealth. - -- Nero Wolfe + -- A. H. Weiler % Nothing is more quiet than the sound of hair going grey. % @@ -33476,10 +27215,6 @@ Where do I find nothing? % Nothing makes a person more productive than the last minute. % -Nothing makes one so vain as being told that one is a sinner. -Conscience makes egotists of us all. - -- Oscar Wilde -% Nothing matters very much, and few things matter at all. -- Arthur Balfour % @@ -33492,9 +27227,6 @@ the official is so impersonal and therefore the deepest insult which can be offered to a personality. -- Soren Kierkegaard % -Nothing recedes like success. - -- Walter Winchell -% Nothing shortens a journey so pleasantly as an account of misfortunes at which the hearer is permitted to laugh. -- Quentin Crisp @@ -33511,13 +27243,6 @@ Nothing succeeds like success. Nothing succeeds like the appearance of success. -- Christopher Lascl % -Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love. - -- Charlie Brown -% -Nothing takes the taste out of peanut -butter quite like unrequited love. - -- Charlie Brown -% Nothing that's forced can ever be right, If it doesn't come naturally, leave it. That's what she said as she turned out the light, @@ -33544,7 +27269,7 @@ I said oh, you can leave it. -- Al Stewart, "If It Doesn't Come Naturally, Leave It" % Nothing will dispel enthusiasm like a small admission fee. - -- Kim Hubbard + -- Kin Hubbard % Nothing will ever be attempted if all possible objections must be first overcome. @@ -33572,9 +27297,6 @@ Tapas, n: Dim Sum, n: Chinese for more food than you've ever seen in your entire life. % -November: - The eleventh twelfth of a weariness. -% Novinson's Revolutionary Discovery: When comes the revolution, things will be different -- @@ -33592,11 +27314,6 @@ If he should stop before I wake, Give me a nudge for goodness' sake. -- Anonymous % -Now I lay me down to sleep -I pray the double lock will keep; -May no brick through the window break, -And, no one rob me till I awake. -% Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep, If I should die before I wake, @@ -33611,9 +27328,6 @@ Just lay my bones in the study hall. Tell my teacher I've done my best, Then pile my books upon my chest. % -Now is the time for all good men to come to. - -- Walt Kelly -% Now is the time for drinking; now the time to beat the earth with unfettered foot. -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace) @@ -33633,7 +27347,7 @@ And since to look at things in bloom Fifty springs are little room, About the woodlands I will go To see the cherry hung with snow. - -- A.E. Housman + -- A. E. Housman % Now that day wearies me, My yearning desire @@ -33651,25 +27365,6 @@ To live in night's magical sphere More profoundly, more variously. -- Hermann Hesse, "Going to Sleep" % -Now that you've read Fortune's diet truths, you'll be prepared the next time -some housewife or boutique owner turned diet expert appears on TV to plug -her latest book. And, if you still feel a twinge of guilt for eating coffee -cake while listening to her exhortations, ask yourself the following questions: - -1: Do I dare trust a person who actually considers alfalfa sprouts a food? -2: Was the author's sole motive in writing this book to get rich - exploiting the forlorn hopes of chubby people like me? -3: Would a longer life be worthwhile if it had to be lived as prescribed... - without French-fried onion rings, pizza with double cheese, or the - occasional Mai-Tai? (Remember, living right doesn't really make - you live longer, it just *seems* like longer.) - -That, and another piece of coffee cake, should do the trick. -% -Now the Lord God planted a garden East of Whittier in a place called -Yorba Linda, and out of the ground he made to grow orange trees that -were good for food and the fruits thereof he labeled SUNKIST... -% Now there's a violent movie titled, "The Croquet Homicide," or "Murder With Mallets Aforethought." -- Shelby Friedman, WSJ. @@ -33705,7 +27400,7 @@ Talking politics and nuclear fission We see him and he's all washed up -- Moving on into the body of a beetle Getting ready for a long long crawl -He ain't nothing -- he ain't nothing at all... +He ain't nothing -- he ain't nothing at all... Death and Money make their point once more In the shape of Philosophical assassins @@ -33721,31 +27416,18 @@ You got nothing -- you got nothing at all... It would take one shot -- to blow him away... -- Shriekback, "Gunning for the Buddah" % -Nuclear powered vacuuum cleaners will probably be a reality within 10 years. +Nuclear powered vacuum cleaners will probably be a reality within 10 years. -- Alex Lewyt (President of the Lewyt Corporation, manufacturers of vacuum cleaners), quoted in The New York Times, June 10, 1955. % -[Nuclear war] ... may not be desirable. - -- Edwin Meese III -% -Nuclear war would mean abolition of most comforts, and disruption of -normal routines, for children and adults alike. - -- Willard F. Libby, "You Can Survive Atomic Attack" -% -Nudists are people who wear one-button suits. -% Nuke the unborn gay female whales for Jesus. % Nuke them till they glow, then shoot them in the dark. % -(null cookie; hope that's ok) -% Nullum magnum ingenium sine mixtura dementiae fuit. -- Seneca % -Numeric stability is probably not all that important when you're guessing. -% Nurse Donna: Oh, Groucho, I'm afraid I'm gonna wind up an old maid. Groucho: Well, bring her in and we'll wind her up together. Nurse Donna: Do you believe in computer dating? @@ -33767,20 +27449,13 @@ They needn't flush after they pish! Yes, and life's just swish, swish, swish, For all the fish!!! % -O give me a home, -Where the buffalo roam, -Where the deer and the antelope play, -Where seldom is heard -A discouraging word, -'Cause what can an antelope say? -% O imitators, you slavish herd! -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace) % O, it is excellent To have a giant's strength; but it is tyrannous To use it like a giant. - -- Shakespeare, "Measure for Measure", II, 2 + -- William Shakespeare, "Measure for Measure", II, 2 % O Lord, grant that we may always be right, for Thou knowest we will never change our minds. @@ -33829,7 +27504,7 @@ OCCAM'S ERASER: % OCCIDENT: The part of the world lying west (or east) of the Orient. It is - largely inhabited by Christians, powerful sub-tribe of the + largely inhabited by Christians, powerful sub-tribe of the Hypocrites, whose principal industries are murder and cheating, which they are pleased to call "war" and "commerce." These, also, are the principal industries of the Orient. @@ -33848,15 +27523,6 @@ Of all men's miseries, the bitterest is this: to know so much and have control over nothing. -- Herodotus % -Of all the animals, the boy is the most unmanageable. - -- Plato -% -Of all the words of witch's doom -There's none so bad as which and whom. -The man who kills both which and whom -Will be enshrined in our Who's Whom. - -- Fletcher Knebel -% Of all things man is the measure. -- Protagoras % @@ -33867,20 +27533,11 @@ Of course it's possible to love a human being if you don't know them too well. -- Charles Bukowski % -Of course power tools and alcohol don't mix. Everyone knows power -tools aren't soluble in alcohol... - -- Crazy Nigel -% -Of course there's no reason for it, it's just our policy. -% Of course you can't flap your arms and fly to the moon. After awhile you'd run out of air to push against. % Of course you have a purpose -- to find a purpose. % -Of what you see in books, believe 75%. Of newspapers, believe 50%. And of -TV news, believe 25% -- make that 5% if the anchorman wears a blazer. -% Office Automation: The use of computers to improve efficiency in the office by removing anyone you would want to talk with over coffee. @@ -33899,19 +27556,11 @@ lampposts -- for support rather than illumination. % Often things ARE as bad as they seem! % -Ogden's Law: - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up. -% Oh, Aunty Em, it's so good to be home! % Oh, by the way, which one's Pink? -- Pink Floyd % -Oh don't the days seem lank and long -When all goes right and none goes wrong, -And isn't your life extremely flat -With nothing whatever to grumble at! -% Oh Father, my Father, Oh what must I do? They're burning our streets and beating me blue. "Listen my son, I'll tell you the truth: @@ -33948,7 +27597,7 @@ Oh, give me a locus where the gravitons focus Where the three-body problem is solved, Where the microwaves play down at three degrees K, And the cold virus never evolved. (chorus) -We eat algea pie, our vacuum is high, +We eat algae pie, our vacuum is high, Our ball bearings are perfectly round. Our horizon is curved, our warheads are MIRVed, And a kilogram weighs half a pound. (chorus) @@ -34006,11 +27655,6 @@ said Don Carlos was afraid the ducks might run away, and since he didn't know how to build a cage he put them in holes. He's a smart dog." -- R. Bradford, "Red Sky At Morning" % -Oh, I am a C programmer and I'm okay - I muck with indices and structs all day -And when it works, I shout hoo-ray - Oh, I am a C programmer and I'm okay -% Oh, I am just a typical American boy From a typical American town. I believe in God and Senator Dodd @@ -34039,28 +27683,6 @@ I could drive a shiny Lincoln, If I dealt in good cocaine. -- To If I Only Had A Brain from "The Wizard of Oz" % -Oh, I don't blame Congress. If I had $600 billion at my disposal, I'd -be irresponsible, too. - -- Lichty & Wagner -% -Oh, I have slipped the surly bonds of earth, -And danced the skies on laughter silvered wings; -Sunward I've climbed and joined the tumbling mirth -Of sun-split clouds and done a hundred things -You have not dreamed of -- -Wheeled and soared and swung -High in the sunlit silence. -Hovering there -I've chased the shouting wind along and flung -My eager craft through footless halls of air. -Up, up along delirious, burning blue -I've topped the wind-swept heights with easy grace, -Where never lark, or even eagle flew; -And, while with silent, lifting mind I've trod -The high untrespassed sanctity of space, -Put out my hand, and touched the face of God. - -- John Gillespie Magee Jr., "High Flight" -% Oh I'm just a typical American boy From a typical American town. I believe in God and Senator Dodd @@ -34109,28 +27731,13 @@ Oh wearisome condition of humanity! Born under one law, to another bound. -- Fulke Greville, Lord Brooke % -Oh, well, I guess this is just going to be one of those lifetimes. -% Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive. - -- Shakespeare -% -Oh, when I was in love with you, - Then I was clean and brave, -And miles around the wonder grew - How well did I behave. - -And now the fancy passes by, - And nothing will remain, -And miles around they'll say that I - Am quite myself again. - -- A.E. Housman -% -Oh, wow! Look at the moon! + -- William Shakespeare % Oh, ya doesn't have ta call me 'Johnson'! Well, you can call me 'Ray', or -you can call me 'Jay', or you can call me 'R.J.', or you can call me 'Ray -J.', or you can call me 'R.J.J.', or you can call me 'Ray J. Johnson', or -you can call me 'R.J. Johnson', but ya DOESN'T have to call me 'Johnson'... +you can call me 'Jay', or you can call me 'R. J.', or you can call me 'Ray +J.', or you can call me 'R. J. J.', or you can call me 'Ray J. Johnson', or +you can call me 'R. J. Johnson', but ya DOESN'T have to call me 'Johnson'... % Oh yeah? Well, I remember when sex was dirty and the air was clean. % @@ -34152,9 +27759,6 @@ Old age is always fifteen years old than I am. Old age is the harbor of all ills. -- Bion % -Old age is the most unexpected of things that can happen to a man. - -- Trotsky -% Old age is too high a price to pay for maturity. % Old Grandad is dead but his spirits live on. @@ -34180,18 +27784,11 @@ Old musicians never die, they just decompose. % Old programmers never die, they just become managers. % -Old programmers never die, they just branch to a new address. -% Old programmers never die, they just hit account block limit. % -Old soldiers never die. Young ones do. -% Old timer, n: One who remembers when charity was a virtue and not an organization. % -Oliver's Law: - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. -% omnibiblious, adj.: Indifferent to type of drink. Ex: "Oh, you can get me anything. I'm omnibiblious." @@ -34201,11 +27798,6 @@ On a clear day, U.C.L.A. On a clear disk you can seek forever. -- P. Denning % -On a paper submitted by a physicist colleague: - -"This isn't right. This isn't even wrong." - -- Wolfgang Pauli -% On a tous un peu peur de l'amour, mais on a surtout peur de souffrir ou de faire souffrir. @@ -34217,16 +27809,6 @@ On ability: a colossus keeps his height, even if he stands in a well. -- Lucius Annaeus Seneca, 4BC - 65AD % -On account of being a democracy and run by the people, we are the only -nation in the world that has to keep a government four years, no matter -what it does. - -- Will Rogers -% -On account of us being a democracy and run by the people, we are the only -nation in the world that has to keep a government four years, no matter -what it does. - -- The Best of Will Rogers -% On his way back from work, a driver came upon a horrible wreck in which one car looked exactly like his neighbor's. Stopping hurriedly on the side of the road, he ran toward the smoldering debris. @@ -34241,10 +27823,6 @@ pulled forth the head, holding it at arm's length. "Is this your friend?" "That's not him -- thank heavens," the man said. "Henry's much taller." % -On Monday mornings I am dedicated to the -proposition that all men are created jerks. - -- H. Allen Smith, "Let the Crabgrass Grow" -% On Thanksgiving Day all over America, families sit down to dinner at the same moment -- halftime. % @@ -34255,23 +27833,8 @@ girl knelt by her bed to say her prayers. "God bless Mommy and Daddy and Keith and Kim," she said. As she began to get up, she quickly added, "Oh, and God, this is goodbye. We're moving to Hollywood." % -On the road, ZIPPY is a pinhead without a purpose, but never without a POINT. -% -On the road, ZIPPY is a pinhead without -a purpose, but never without a POINT. -% On the whole, I'd rather be in Philadelphia. - -- W.C. Fields' epitaph -% -On two occasions I have been asked [by members of Parliament!], "Pray, Mr. -Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right answers -come out?" I am not able rightly to apprehend the kind of confusion of -ideas that could provoke such a question. - -- Charles Babbage -% -Once ... in the wilds of Afghanistan, I lost my corkscrew, -and we were forced to live on nothing but food and water for days. - -- W.C. Fields, "My Little Chickadee" + -- W. C. Fields' epitaph % Once a word has been allowed to escape, it cannot be recalled. -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace) @@ -34296,7 +27859,7 @@ held captive by his unblinking eye. Three golden orbs stand watch; one each to toll the day, hour, minute until predestiny decrees his reawakening. -When that feared moment arives, +When that feared moment arrives, "Ask not for whom the bell tolls, It tolls for thee." -- "I extended the loan on your Camera, at the Pine @@ -34333,11 +27896,6 @@ children object to being tied, threaten to take them to see Santa Claus; that ought to shut them up. -- Dave Barry % -Once at a social gathering, Gladstone said to Disraeli, "I predict, Sir, -that you will die either by hanging or of some vile disease". Disraeli -replied, "That all depends upon whether I embrace your principals or your -mistress". -% Once harm has been done, even a fool understands it. -- Homer % @@ -34345,7 +27903,7 @@ Once he had one leg in the White House and the nation trembled under his roars. Now he is a tinpot pope in the Coca-Cola belt and a brother to the forlorn pastors who belabor halfwits in galvanized iron tabernacles behind the railroad yards." - -- H.L. Mencken, writing of William Jennings Bryan, + -- H. L. Mencken, writing of William Jennings Bryan, counsel for the supporters of Tennessee's anti-evolution law at the Scopes "Monkey Trial" in 1925. % @@ -34364,28 +27922,8 @@ Three times is enemy action. Once it hits the fan, the only rational choice is to sweep it up, package it, and sell it as fertilizer. % -Once Law was sitting on the bench - And Mercy knelt a-weeping. -"Clear out!" he cried, "disordered wench! - Nor come before me creeping. -Upon you knees if you appear, -'Tis plain you have no standing here." - -Then Justice came. His Honor cried: - "YOUR states? -- Devil seize you!" -"Amica curiae," she replied -- - "Friend of the court, so please you." -"Begone!" he shouted -- "There's the door -- -I never saw your face before!" -% -Once the realization is accepted that even between the closest human beings -infinite distances continue to exist, a wonderful living side by side can -grow up, if they succeed in loving the distance between them which makes it -possible for each to see each other whole against the sky. - -- Rainer Rilke -% Once the toothpaste is out of the tube, it's hard to get it back in. - -- H.R. Haldeman + -- H. R. Haldeman % Once there was a little nerd who loved to read your mail, And then yank back the i-access times to get hackers off his tail, @@ -34411,7 +27949,7 @@ You must mind the file protections and not snoop around, Or the bio bug'll getcha and bring the system down! % Once there was this conductor see, who had a bass problem. You see, during -a portion of Beethovan's Ninth Symphony in which there are no bass violin +a portion of Beethoven's Ninth Symphony in which there are no bass violin parts, one of the bassists always passed a bottle of scotch around. So, to remind himself that the basses usually required an extra cue towards the end of the symphony, the conductor would fasten a piece of string around the @@ -34439,7 +27977,7 @@ While you pondered sentient and crystalline, Over many a broken and subordinate Volume of gnarly lore, While I pestered, nearly singing, -Sudddenly there came a hewing, +Suddenly there came a hewing, As of someone profusely skulking, Skulking at my chamber door. % @@ -34466,16 +28004,11 @@ One can search the brain with a microscope and not find the mind, and can search the stars with a telescope and not find God. -- J. Gustav White % -One cannot make an omelette without breaking eggs -- but it is amazing -how many eggs one can break without making a decent omelette. -% -One can't proceed from the informal to the formal by formal means. -% One could not be a successful scientist without realizing that, in contrast to the popular conception supported by newspapers and mothers of scientists, a goodly number of scientists are not only narrow-minded and dull, but also just stupid. - -- J.D. Watson, "The Double Helix" + -- J. D. Watson, "The Double Helix" % One day an elderly Jewish Pole, living in Warsaw, finds an old lamp in his attic. He starts to polish it and (poof!) a genie appears in a cloud of @@ -34510,18 +28043,6 @@ life, my son. You take the parachute and leave me in God's hands." "That's very kind of you," the observant scout replied, "but there is no need. Reagan just jumped out with my knapsack." % -One day the King decided that he would force all his subjects to tell the -truth. A gallows was erected in front of the city gates. A herald announced, -"Whoever would enter the city must first answer the truth to a question -which will be put to him." Nasrudin was first in line. The captain of the -guard asked him, "Where are you going? Tell the truth -- the alternative -is death by hanging." - "I am going," said Nasrudin, "to be hanged on that gallows." - "I don't believe you." - "Very well, if I have told a lie, then hang me!" - "But that would make it the truth!" - "Exactly," said Nasrudin, "your truth." -% One day this guy is finally fed up with his middle-class existence and decides to do something about it. He calls up his best friend, who is a mathematical genius. "Look," he says, "do you suppose you could find some @@ -34565,9 +28086,6 @@ Finally chose, To bring his mad poem, To some sort of close". % -One difference between a man and a machine -is that a machine is quiet when well oiled. -% One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you. -- Larry Gelbart % @@ -34590,7 +28108,7 @@ head. Her bloodshot eyes fell upon her husband, who says, "And all these years you've been thinkin' I've been enjoying meself." % One expresses well the love he does not feel. - -- J.A. Karr + -- J. A. Karr % One family builds a wall, two families enjoy it. % @@ -34605,9 +28123,6 @@ a rivalry of aim. One girl can be pretty -- but a dozen are only a chorus. -- F. Scott Fitzgerald, "The Last Tycoon" % -One good reason why computers can do more work than -people is that they never have to stop and answer the phone. -% One good suit is worth a thousand resumes. % One good thing about music, @@ -34631,9 +28146,6 @@ and end up with the atomic bomb. One hundred women are not worth a single testicle. -- Confucius % -One is not superior merely because one sees the world as odious. - -- Chateaubriand (1768-1848) -% One is often kept in the right road by a rut. -- Gustave Droz % @@ -34643,7 +28155,7 @@ ANOTHER WORLD all THE DAYS OF OUR LIVES. One man tells a falsehood, a hundred repeat it as true. % One man's constant is another man's variable. - -- A.J. Perlis + -- A. J. Perlis % One man's folly is another man's wife. -- Helen Rowland @@ -34654,8 +28166,6 @@ One man's "magic" is another man's engineering. One man's Mede is another man's Persian. -- George M. Cohan % -One man's theology is another man's belly laugh. -% One measure of friendship consists not in the number of things friends can discuss, but in the number of things they need no longer mention. -- Clifton Fadiman @@ -34666,17 +28176,8 @@ One must have a heart of stone to read the death of Little Nell by Dickens without laughing. -- Oscar Wilde % -One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people. -% One nuclear bomb can ruin your whole day. % -One of my less pleasant chores when I was young was to read the Bible from -one end to the other. Reading the Bible straight through is at least 70 -percent discipline, like learning Latin. But the good parts are, of course, -simply amazing. God is an extremely uneven writer, but when He's good, -nobody can touch him. - -- John Gardner, NYT Book Review, Jan. 1983 -% One of the chief duties of the mathematician in acting as an advisor... is to discourage... from expecting too much from mathematics. @@ -34690,17 +28191,13 @@ One of the large consolations for experiencing anything unpleasant is the knowledge that one can communicate it. -- Joyce Carol Oates % -One of the lessons of history is that nothing is often a good thing to -do and always a clever thing to say. - -- Will Durant -% One of the major difficulties Trillian experienced in her relationship with Zaphod was learning to distinguish between him pretending to be stupid just to get people off their guard, pretending to be stupid because he couldn't be bothered to think and wanted someone else to do it for him, pretending to be so outrageously stupid to hide the fact that he actually didn't understand what was going on, and really being genuinely stupid. He was -reknowned for being quite clever and quite clearly was so -- but not all the +renowned for being quite clever and quite clearly was so -- but not all the time, which obviously worried him, hence the act. He preferred people to be puzzled rather than contemptuous. This above all appeared to Trillian to be genuinely stupid, but she could no longer be bothered to argue about. @@ -34718,12 +28215,6 @@ One of the pleasures of reading old letters is the knowledge that they need no answer. -- George Gordon, Lord Byron % -One of the rules of Busmanship, New York style, is never surrender your -seat to another passenger. This may seem callous, but it is the best -way, really. If one passenger were to give a seat to someone who fainted -in the aisle, say, the others on the bus would become disoriented and -imagine they were in Topeka Kansas. -% One of the signs of Napoleon's greatness is the fact that he once had a publisher shot. -- Siegfried Unseld @@ -34767,32 +28258,9 @@ I think she'll know. Feed your head. Feed your head. -- Jefferson Airplane, "White Rabbit" % -One planet is all you get. -% One possible reason that things aren't going according to plan is that there never was a plan in the first place. % -One possible reason why things aren't going -according to plan is that there never was a plan. -% -One reason why George Washington -Is held in such veneration: -He never blamed his problems -On the former Administration. - -- George O. Ludcke -% -One Saturday afternoon, during the campaign to decide whether or not there -should be a Coastal Commission, I took a helicopter ride from Los Angeles -to San Diego. We passed several state beaches, some crowded and some -virtually empty. They had the same facilities, and in some cases the crowded -and the empty beach were within a quarter mile of each other. Obviously -many beach-goers prefer to be crowded together. Buying more beaches that -people won't go to because they prefer to be crowded together on one beach -is a ridiculous waste of our natural resources and our taxes. - -- Ronald Reagan -% -One seldom sees a monument to a committee. -% One should always be in love. That is the reason one should never marry. -- Oscar Wilde % @@ -34812,15 +28280,7 @@ cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late. - -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. -% -One thing the inventors can't seem to -get the bugs out of is fresh paint. -% -One thing they don't tell you about doing experimental physics is that -sometimes you must work under adverse conditions... like a state of sheer -terror. - -- W.K. Hartmann + -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican", 1988. % One thought driven home is better than three left on base. % @@ -34838,20 +28298,10 @@ Hopin' that the train is on time, Sittin' downtown in a railway station, One toke over the line. % -One way to stop a run away horse is to bet on him. -% -One, with God, is always a majority, but many a martyr has been burned at -the stake while the votes were being counted. - -- Thomas B. Reed -% One would like to stroke and caress human beings, but one dares not do so, because they bite. -- Vladimir Lenin % -One-Shot Case Study, n: - The scientific equivalent of the four-leaf clover, from which -it is concluded all clovers possess four leaves and are sometimes green. -% On-line: The idea that a human being should always be accessible to a computer. % @@ -34860,13 +28310,9 @@ Only a fool has no doubts. Only a mediocre person is always at his best. -- Laurence Peter % -Only adults have difficulty with childproof caps. -% Only fools are quoted. -- Anonymous % -Only God can make random selections. -% Only great masters of style can succeed in being obtuse. -- Oscar Wilde @@ -34942,7 +28388,7 @@ Oppernockity tunes but once. Opportunities are usually disguised as hard work, so most people don't recognize them. % -Oprah Winfrey has an incredible talent for getting the wierdest people to +Oprah Winfrey has an incredible talent for getting the weirdest people to talk to. And you just HAVE to watch it. "Blind, masochistic minority, crippled, depressed, government latrine diggers, and the women who love them too much on the next Oprah Winfrey." @@ -34976,8 +28422,6 @@ OPTIMIST: optimist, n: A bagpiper with a beeper. % -Optimization hinders evolution. -% Or you or I must yield up his life to Ahrimanes. I would rather it were you. I should have no hesitation in sacrificing my own life to spare yours, but we take stock next week, and it would not be fair on the company. @@ -34989,7 +28433,7 @@ Oral sex is like being attacked by a giant snail. Orcs really aren't so bad (if you use lots of catsup). % Order and simplification are the first steps toward -mastery of a subject -- the actual enemy is the unknown. +mastery of a subject -- the actual enemy is the unknown. -- Thomas Mann % OREGON: @@ -35001,17 +28445,10 @@ Cleanliness is next to impossible % Oreo % -Organic chemistry is the chemistry of carbon compounds. -Biochemistry is the study of carbon compounds that crawl. - -- Mike Adams -% Original thought is like original sin: both happened before you were born to people you could not have possibly met. -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies" % -Osborn's Law: - Variables won't; constants aren't. -% Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how did you like the play? % Other women cloy @@ -35021,12 +28458,6 @@ Where most she satisfies. % Others can stop you temporarily, only you can do it permanently. % -Others will look to you for stability, -so hide when you bite your nails. -% -O'Toole's commentary on Murphy's Law: - Murphy was an optimist. -% Ouch! That felt good! -- Karen Gordon % @@ -35042,13 +28473,13 @@ but to continue to fail in high spirits. -- Robert Louis Stevenson % Our congratulations go to a Burlington Vermont civilian employee of the -local Army National Guard base. He recently received a substational cash +local Army National Guard base. He recently received a substantial cash award from our government for inventing a device for optical scanning. His device reportedly will save the government more than $6 million a year by replacing a more expensive helicopter maintenance tool with his own, home-made, hand-held model. -Not suprisingly, we also have a couple of money-saving ideas that we submit +Not surprisingly, we also have a couple of money-saving ideas that we submit to the Pentagon free of charge: a. Don't kill anybody. @@ -35058,9 +28489,6 @@ to the Pentagon free of charge: We expect annual savings to be in the billions. -- Sojourners % -Our country has plenty of good five-cent cigars, -but the trouble is they charge fifteen cents for them. -% Our documentation manager was showing her 2 year old son around the office. He was introduced to me, at which time he pointed out that we were both holding bags of popcorn. We were both holding bottles of juice. But only @@ -35069,14 +28497,6 @@ holding bags of popcorn. We were both holding bottles of juice. But only Her reply: "He can have a lollipop any time he wants to. That's what it means to be a programmer." % -Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear -- kept us in a -continuous stampede of patriotic fervor -- with the cry of grave national -emergency... Always there has been some terrible evil to gobble us up if we -did not blindly rally behind it by furnishing the exorbitant sums demanded. -Yet, in retrospect, these disasters seem never to have happened, seem never -to have been quite real. - -- General Douglas MacArthur, 1957 -% Our houseplants have a good sense of humous. % Our informal mission is to improve the love life of operators worldwide. @@ -35087,18 +28507,11 @@ They have their day and cease to be; They are but broken lights of thee. -- Tennyson % -Our OS who art in CPU, UNIX be thy name. -Thy programs run, thy syscalls done, -In kernel as it is in user. -% Our parents were of Midwestern stock and very strict. They didn't want us to grow up to be spoiled and rich. If we left our tennis racquets in the rain, we were punished. -- Nancy Ellis (George Bush's sister), in the New Republic % -Our policy is, when in doubt, do the right thing. - -- Roy L. Ash, ex-president, Litton Industries -% Our problems are so serious that the best way to talk about them is lightheartedly. % @@ -35120,9 +28533,6 @@ And pray that there's intelligent life somewhere out in space, 'Cause there's bugger all down here on Earth! -- Monty Python % -Ours is a world of nuclear giants and ethical infants. - -- General Omar N. Bradley -% Ours is a world where people don't know what they want and are willing to go through hell to get it. % @@ -35134,17 +28544,6 @@ Out of the crooked timber of humanity no straight thing can ever be made. % Out of the mouths of babes does often come cereal. % -Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside a dog it's too -dark to read. -% -Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it is too -dark to read. - -- Groucho Marx -% -Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too -dark to read. - -- Groucho Marx -% Over the shoulder supervision is more a need of the manager than the programming task. % @@ -35156,7 +28555,7 @@ design is that now a system failure can usually be considered to be the result of two program errors: the first, in the program that started the problem; the second, in the recovery routine that could not protect the system. - -- A.L. Scherr, "Functional Structure of IBM Virtual Storage + -- A. L. Scherr, "Functional Structure of IBM Virtual Storage Operating Systems, Part II: OS/VS-2 Concepts and Philosophies," IBM Systems Journal, Vol. 12, No. 4. % @@ -35167,15 +28566,9 @@ victim may wail, `But who could have dreamt of such an idiotic-looking move?' -- Fred Reinfeld, "The Complete Chess Course" % -Overdrawn? But I still have checks left! -% -Overflow on /dev/null, please empty the bit bucket. -% Overheard: "How do I feel? Great! And I kiss pretty good, too!" % -Overload -- core meltdown sequence initiated. -% Owe no man any thing... -- Romans 13:8 % @@ -35206,12 +28599,6 @@ tasteless, so that its presence can not be readily detected until it is too late. -- Chemical & Engineering News February 6, 1956 % -Ozman's Laws: - (1) If someone says he will do something "without fail," he won't. - (2) The more people talk on the phone, the less money they make. - (3) People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't. - (4) Pizza always burns the roof of your mouth. -% paak, n: A stadium or inclosed playing field. To put or leave (a a vehicle) for a time in a certain location. patato, n: The starchy, edible tuber of a widely cultivated plant. @@ -35240,13 +28627,11 @@ Pain is just God's way of hurting you. Pandora's Rule: Never open a box you didn't close. % -panic: can't find / -% -panic: kernal segmentation violation. core dumped (only kidding) +panic: kernel segmentation violation. core dumped (only kidding) % Paprika Measure: - 2 dashes == 1smidgen + 2 dashes == 1 smidgen 2 smidgens == 1 pinch 3 pinches == 1 soupcon 2 soupcons == too much paprika @@ -35260,33 +28645,14 @@ Paranoia doesn't mean the whole world isn't out to get you. % Paranoia is heightened awareness. % -Paranoia is simply an optimistic outlook on life. -% Paranoid Club meeting this Friday. Now ... just try to find out where! % -Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems. It's easy -to criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid too. - -- D.J. Hicks -% Pardon me while I laugh. % Parents often talk about the younger generation as if they didn't have much of anything to do with it. % -Parkinson's Fifth Law: - If there is a way to delay in important decision, the good - bureaucracy, public or private, will find it. -% -Parkinson's Fourth Law: - The number of people in any working group tends to increase - regardless of the amount of work to be done. -% -Parsley is gharsley. - -- Ogden Nash -% -Parts that positively cannot be assembled in improper order will be. -% PARTY: A gathering where you meet people who drink so much you can't even remember their names. @@ -35294,7 +28660,7 @@ PARTY: Pascal: A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his grave if he knew about it. - -- Datamation, January 15, 1984 + -- "Datamation", January 15, 1984 % Pascal: A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his @@ -35303,20 +28669,10 @@ Pascal: Pascal is a language for children wanting to be naughty. -- Dr. Kasi Ananthanarayanan % -Pascal is not a high-level language. - -- Steven Feiner -% Pascal Users: The Pascal system will be replaced next Tuesday by Cobol. Please modify your programs accordingly. % -Pascal Users: - To show respect for the 313th anniversary (tomorrow) of the - death of Blaise Pascal, your programs will be run at half speed. -% -Passionate hatred can give meaning and purpose to an empty life. - -- Eric Hoffer -% Password: % Passwords are implemented as a result of insecurity. @@ -35353,7 +28709,7 @@ patent: "Pathetic," he said. "That's what it is. Pathetic." (crosses stream) "As I thought," he said, "no better from *this* side." - -- Eyeore + -- Eeyore % Patience is a minor form of despair, disguised as virtue. -- Ambrose Bierce, on qualifiers @@ -35382,15 +28738,6 @@ Patriotism is the virtue of the vicious. Pauca sed matura. (Few but excellent.) -- Gauss % -Paul Revere was a tattle-tale. -% -Paulg's Law: - In America, it's not how much an - item costs, it's how much you save. -% -Paul's Law: - You can't fall off the floor. -% Pause for storage relocation. % paycheck: @@ -35418,37 +28765,15 @@ Peace be to this house, and all that dwell in it. % Peace cannot be kept by force; it can only be achieved by understanding. - -- A. Einstein + -- Albert Einstein % Peace is much more precious than a piece of land... let there be no more wars. -- Mohammed Anwar Sadat, 1918-1981 % -Peace, n: - In international affairs, a period of cheating between two - periods of fighting. - -- Ambrose Bierce -% -Peanut Blossoms - -4 cups sugar 16 tbsp. milk -4 cups brown sugar 4 tsp. vanilla -4 cups shortening 14 cups flour -8 eggs 4 tsp. soda -4 cups peanut butter 4 tsp. salt - -Shape dough into balls. Roll in sugar and bake on ungreased -cookie sheet at 375 F. for 10-12 minutes. Immediately top -each cookie with a Hershey's kiss or star pressing down firmly -to crack cookie. Makes a hell of a lot. -% -Pecor's Health-Food Principle: - Never eat rutabaga on any day of - the week that has a "y" in it. -% pediddel: A car with only one working headlight. - -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends + -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets" % Pedro Guerrero was playing third base for the Los Angeles Dodgers in 1984 when he made the comment that earns him a place in my Hall of Fame. Second @@ -35480,10 +28805,7 @@ if he didn't understand people; and how could he have done that if people weren't easy to understand? You show me someone who can't understand people and I'll show you someone who has built up a false image of himself -- no offense intended." - -- Asimov, "Foundation's Edge" -% -Penguin Trivia #46: - Animals who are not penguins can only wish they were. + -- Isaac Asimov, "Foundation's Edge" % PENGUINICITY!! % @@ -35530,14 +28852,11 @@ People of privilege will always risk their complete destruction rather than surrender any material part of their advantage. -- John Kenneth Galbraith % -People often find it easier to be a -result of the past than a cause of the future. -% People respond to people who respond. % People say I live in my own little fantasy world... well, at least they *know* me there! - -- D.L. Roth + -- D. L. Roth % People seem to enjoy things more when they know a lot of other people have been left out on the pleasure. @@ -35554,18 +28873,6 @@ People that can't find something to live for always seem to find something to die for. The problem is, they usually want the rest of us to die for it too. % -People think love is an emotion. Love is good sense. - -- Ken Kesey -% -People usually get what's coming to them -- unless it's been mailed. -% -People who are funny and smart and return phone calls get -much better press than people who are just funny and smart. - -- Howard Simons, "The Washington Post" -% -People who claim they don't let little things bother -them have never slept in a room with a single mosquito. -% People who fight fire with fire usually end up with ashes. -- Abigail Van Buren % @@ -35574,14 +28881,6 @@ People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't. People who have no faults are terrible; there is no way of taking advantage of them. % -People who have what they want are very fond of telling people who haven't -what they want that they don't want it. - -- Ogden Nash -% -People who have what they want are very fond of telling -people who haven't what they want that they don't want it. - -- Ogden Nash -% People who make no mistakes do not usually make anything. % People who push both buttons should get their wish. @@ -35594,14 +28893,6 @@ cold baths. People who think they know everything greatly annoy those of us who do. % -People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that Benjamin -Franklin said it first. -% -People will accept your ideas much more readily if -you tell them that Benjamin Franklin said it first. -% -People will buy anything that's one to a customer. -% People with narrow minds usually have broad tongues. % People's Action Rules: @@ -35612,7 +28903,7 @@ People's Action Rules: (5) Some people who shouldn't, but try, will then blame others. % Per buck you get more computing action with the small computer. - -- R.W. Hamming + -- R. W. Hamming % Pereant, inquit, qui ante nos nostra dixerunt. [Confound those who have said our remarks before us.] @@ -35620,19 +28911,9 @@ or [May they perish who have expressed our bright ideas before us.] -- Aelius Donatus % -Perfect day for scrubbing the floor and other exciting things. -% perfect guest: One who makes his host feel at home. % -Perfection is finally attained, not when there is no longer -anything to add, but when there is no longer anything to take away. - -- Antoine de Saint-Exupery -% -Perfection is reached, not when there is no longer anything -to add, but when there is no longer anything to take away. - -- Antoine de Saint-Exupery -% Performance: A statement of the speed at which a computer system works. Or rather, might work under certain circumstances. Or was rumored @@ -35665,7 +28946,7 @@ Periphrasis is the putting of things in a round-about way. "The cost may be upwards of a figure rather below 10m#." is a periphrasis for The cost may be nearly 10m#. "In Paris there reigns a complete absence of really reliable news" is a periphrasis for There is no reliable news in Paris. "Rarely does -the 'Little Summer' linger until November, but at times its stay has been +the `Little Summer' linger until November, but at times its stay has been prolonged until quite late in the year's penultimate month" contains a periphrasis for November, and another for lingers. "The answer is in the negative" is a periphrasis for No. "Was made the recipient of" is a @@ -35689,8 +28970,6 @@ Personifiers of the world, unite! You have nothing to lose but Mr. Dignity! -- Bernadette Bosky % -Personifiers Unite! You have nothing to lose but Mr. Dignity! -% Persons attempting to find a motive in this narrative will be prosecuted; persons attempting to find a moral in it will be banished; persons attempting to find a plot in it will be shot. By Order of the Author @@ -35738,15 +29017,13 @@ Peterson's Rules: petribar: Any sun-bleached prehistoric candy that has been sitting in the window of a vending machine too long. - -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" + -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets" % Phasers locked on target, Captain. % Philadelphia is not dull -- it just seems so because it is next to exciting Camden, New Jersy. % -Philogyny recapitulates erogeny; erogeny recapitulates philogyny. -% philosophy: The ability to bear with calmness the misfortunes of our friends. % @@ -35758,7 +29035,7 @@ Phone call for chucky-pooh. phosflink: To flick a bulb on and off when it burns out (as if, somehow, that will bring it back to life). - -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends + -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets" % Photographing a volcano is just about the most miserable thing you can do. @@ -35803,7 +29080,7 @@ Not one damn thing do we solve. Pie are not square. Pie are round. Cornbread are square. % Piece of cake! - -- G.S. Koblas + -- G. S. Koblas % pig, n: An animal (Porcus omnivorous) closely allied to the human race by @@ -35811,7 +29088,7 @@ pig, n: inferior in scope, for it balks at pig. -- Ambrose Bierce % -Pilfering Treasure property is paticularly dangerous: big thieves are +Pilfering Treasure property is particularly dangerous: big thieves are ruthless in punishing little thieves. -- Diogenes % @@ -35828,24 +29105,11 @@ So I piped with merry cheer. So I piped: he wept to hear. -- William Blake, "Songs of Innocence" % -Pipo was born with few complications, but then the doctor accidently dropped +Pipo was born with few complications, but then the doctor accidentally dropped the infant on her head provoking her drunken father to drag the physician outside where he would beat him to death with a live ocelot. -- Love and Rockets % -PISCES (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20) - You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed - by the CIA or FBI. You have minor influence over your associates - and people resent your flaunting of your power. You lack confidence - and you are generally a coward. Pisces people do terrible things to - small animals. -% -PISCES (Feb. 19 to Mar. 20) - Take the high road, look for the good things, carry the American - Express card and a weapon. The world is yours today, as nobody - else wants it. Your mortgage will be foreclosed. You will probably - get run over by a bus. -% PISCES (Feb.19 - Mar.20) You will get some very interesting news of a promotion today. It will go to someone in the office you dislike and will be the @@ -35877,11 +29141,6 @@ Plastic... Aluminum... These are the inheritors of the Universe! Flesh and Blood have had their day... and that day is past! -- Green Lantern Comics % -Plato, by the way, wanted to banish all poets from his proposed Utopia -because they were liars. The truth was that Plato knew philosophers -couldn't compete successfully with poets. - -- Kilgore Trout, "Venus on the Half Shell" -% PLATONIC FRIENDSHIP: What develops when two people get tired of making love to each other. @@ -35906,8 +29165,6 @@ Please go away. % Please help keep the world clean: others may wish to use it. % -Please ignore previous fortune. -% Please keep your hands off the secretary's reproducing equipment. % Please, Mother! I'd rather do it myself! @@ -35971,15 +29228,6 @@ Please stand for the National Anthem: Thank you. You may resume your seat. % -Please take note: -% -Please try to limit the amount of "this room doesn't have any bazingas" -until you are told that those rooms are "punched out." Once punched out, -we have a right to complain about atrocities, missing bazingas, and such. - -- N. Meyrowitz -% -Please, won't somebody tell me what diddie-wa-diddie means? -% PL/I -- "the fatal disease" -- belongs more to the problem set than to the solution set. -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5 @@ -35987,15 +29235,12 @@ solution set. Plots are like girdles. Hidden, they hold your interest; revealed, they're of no interest except to fetishists. Like girdles, they attempt to contain an uncontainable experience. - -- R.S. Knapp + -- R. S. Knapp % PLUG IT IN!!! % Plus ca change, plus c'est le meme chose. % -Pohl's law: - Nothing is so good that somebody, somewhere, will not hate it. -% poisoned coffee, n: Grounds for divorce. % @@ -36003,7 +29248,7 @@ Poland has gun control. % Political history is far too criminal a subject to be a fit thing to teach children. - -- W.H. Auden + -- W. H. Auden % Political speeches are like steer horns. A point here, a point there, and a lot of bull inbetween. @@ -36012,16 +29257,6 @@ here, a point there, and a lot of bull inbetween. Political television commercials prove one thing: some candidates can tell all their good points and qualifications in just 30 seconds. % -POLITICIAN: - From the Greek 'poly' ("many") and the French 'tete' ("head" or - "face," as in 'tete-a-tete': head to head or face to face). - Hence 'polytetien', a person of two or more faces. - -- Martin Pitt -% -Politicians are the same everywhere. They promise -to build a bridge even where there is no river. - -- Nikita Khrushchev -% Politicians should read science fiction, not westerns and detective stories. -- Arthur C. Clarke % @@ -36046,9 +29281,6 @@ Politics, as a practice, whatever its professions, has always been the systematic organisation of hatreds. -- Henry Adams, "The Education of Henry Adams" % -Politics is like coaching a football team. You have to be smart -enough to understand the game but not smart enough to lose interest. -% Politics is not the art of the possible. It consists in choosing between the disastrous and the unpalatable. -- John Kenneth Galbraith @@ -36063,7 +29295,7 @@ explain why it didn't happen. -- Winston Churchill % Politics, like religion, hold up the -torches of matrydom to the reformers of error. +torches of martyrdom to the reformers of error. -- Thomas Jefferson % Politics makes strange bedfellows, and journalism makes strange politics. @@ -36080,30 +29312,11 @@ Pollyanna's Educational Constant: POLYGON: Dead parrot. % -Polymer physicists are into chains. -% Poorman's Rule: When you pull a plastic garbage bag from its handy dispenser package, you always get hold of the closed end and try to pull it open. % -Pope Goestheveezl was the shortest reigning pope in the history of the -Church, reigning for two hours and six minutes on 1 April 1866. The white -smoke had hardly faded into the blue of the Vatican skies before it dawned -on the assembled multitudes in St. Peter's Square that his name had hilarious -possibilities. The crowds fell about, helpless with laughter, singing - - Half a pound of tuppenny rice - Half a pound of treacle - That's the way the chimney smokes - Pope Goestheveezl - -The square was finally cleared by armed carabineri with tears of laughter -streaming down their faces. The event set a record for hilarious civic -functions, smashing the previous record set when Baron Hans Neizant -Bompzidaize was elected Landburgher of Koln in 1653. - -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" -% Populus vult decipi. [The people like to be deceived.] % @@ -36164,14 +29377,8 @@ Poverty must have its satisfactions, else there would not be so many poor people. -- Don Herold % -POWER: - The only narcotic regulated by the SEC instead of the FDA. -% Power and ignorance is a detestable cocktail. - -- Poul Henningsen [1894-1967] -% -Power corrupts. Absolute power is kind of neat. - -- John Lehman, Secretary of the Navy, 1981-1987 + -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967) % Power is poison. % @@ -36186,10 +29393,6 @@ Power tends to corrupt, absolute power corrupts absolutely. % PPRB -- Pillage, plunder, rape and burn. % -Practical people would be more practical if -they would take a little more time for dreaming. - -- J.P. McEvoy -% Practical politics consists in ignoring facts. -- Henry Adams % @@ -36207,7 +29410,7 @@ PRAIRIES: Vast plains covered by treeless forests. % Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition. - -- Stephen Coonts, "The Minotaur" + -- Stephen Coonts, "The Minotaur" % Praise the sea; on shore remain. -- John Florio @@ -36218,9 +29421,7 @@ pray, n: -- Ambrose Bierce % Pray to God, but keep rowing to shore. - -- Russian Proverb -% -Predestination was doomed from the start. + -- Russian proverb % Prediction is very difficult, especially of the future. -- Niels Bohr @@ -36230,7 +29431,7 @@ Prejudice: -- Ambrose Bierce % Premature optimization is the root of all evil. - -- D.E. Knuth + -- Donald E. Knuth % Preserve the old, but know the new. % @@ -36238,25 +29439,9 @@ Preserve wildlife -- pickle a squirrel today! % Preserve Wildlife! Throw a party today! % -President Reagan has noted that there are too many economic -pundits and forecasters and has decided on an excess prophets tax. -% -President Thieu says he'll quit if he doesn't get more than 50% -of the vote. In a democracy, that's not called quitting. - -- The Washington Post -% -Pretend to spank me -- I'm a pseudo-masochist! -% -Preudhomme's Law of Window Cleaning: - It's on the other side. -% Price's Advice: It's all a game -- play it to have fun. % -[Prime Minister Joseph] Chamberlain loves -the working man, he loves to see him work. - -- Winston Churchill -% [Prime Minister MacDonald] has the gift of compressing the largest amount of words into the smallest amount of thought. -- Winston Churchill @@ -36271,7 +29456,7 @@ And he did -- nine soliloquies later. Princeton's taste is sweet like a strawberry tart. Harvard's is a subtle taste, like whiskey, coffee, or tobacco. It may even be a bad habit, for all I know. - -- Prof. J.H. Finley '25 + -- Prof. J. H. Finley '25 % Priority: A statement of the importance of a user or a program. Often @@ -36286,14 +29471,6 @@ Prizes are for children. -- Charles Ives, upon being given, but refusing, the Pulitzer prize % -Pro is to con as progress is to Congress. -% -Probable-Possible, my black hen, -She lays eggs in the Relative When. -She doesn't lay eggs in the Positive Now -Because she's unable to postulate How. - -- Frederick Winsor -% PROBLEM DRINKER: A man who never buys. % @@ -36325,7 +29502,7 @@ Programmers do it bit by bit. % Programmers used to batch environments may find it hard to live without giant listings; we would find it hard to use them. - -- D.M. Ritchie + -- Dennis M. Ritchie % Programming Department: Mistakes made while you wait. @@ -36341,7 +29518,7 @@ PROGRESS: % Progress is impossible without change, and those who cannot change their minds cannot change anything. - -- G.B. Shaw + -- George Bernard Shaw % Progress means replacing a theory that is wrong with one more subtly wrong. @@ -36362,20 +29539,6 @@ PROMOTION FROM WITHIN: % Promptness is its own reward, if one lives by the clock instead of the sword. % -Proof techniques #1: Proof by Induction. - -This technique is used on equations with 'n' in them. Induction -techniques are very popular, even the military use them. - -SAMPLE: Proof of induction without proof of induction. - - We know it's true for n equal to 1. Now assume that it's true -for every natural number less than n. N is arbitrary, so we can take n -as large as we want. If n is sufficiently large, the case of n+1 is -trivially equivalent, so the only important n are n less than n. We can -take n = n (from above), so it's true for n+1 because it's just about n. - QED. (QED translates from the Latin as "So what?") -% Proper treatment will cure a cold in seven days, but left to itself, a cold will hang on for a week. -- Darrell Huff @@ -36403,7 +29566,7 @@ Pryor's Observation: % Psychiatry enables us to correct our faults by confessing our parents' shortcomings. - -- Laurence J. Peter, "Peter's Principles" + -- Dr. Laurence J. Peter, "Peter's Principles" % Psychics will soon lead dogs to your body. % @@ -36414,7 +29577,7 @@ a therapy. Psychiatry is the care of the id by the odd. Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you. - -- C.G. Jung + -- C. G. Jung % psychologist, n: Someone who watches everyone else when an attractive woman walks @@ -36465,12 +29628,12 @@ PURITAN: someone, somewhere, is having fun. % Puritanism -- the haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy. - -- H.L. Mencken, "A Book of Burlesques" + -- H. L. Mencken, "A Book of Burlesques" % PURPITATION: To take something off the grocery shelf, decide you don't want it, and then put it in another section. - -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends + -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets" % Push where it gives and scratch where it itches. % @@ -36509,24 +29672,13 @@ Or just call in and say you're sick. % Put your brain in gear before starting your mouth in motion. % -Put your Nose to the Grindstone! - -- Amalgamated Plastic Surgeons and Toolmakers, Ltd. -% Put your trust in those who are worthy. % -Putt's Law: - Technology is dominated by two types of people: - Those who understand what they do not manage. - Those who manage what they do not understand. -% Pyro's of the world... IGNITE !!! % Q: Are we not men? A: We are Vaxen. % -Q: Do you know what the death rate around here is? -A: One per person. -% Q: Have you heard about the man who didn't pay for his exorcism? A: He got re-possessed! % @@ -36558,8 +29710,8 @@ A: The tame way! % Q: How do you keep a moron in suspense? % -Q. How do you keep an Aggie busy at a terminal? -A. While he's not looking, switch it to "local". +Q: How do you keep an Aggie busy at a terminal? +A: While he's not looking, switch it to "local". % Q: How do you know when you're in the section of Vermont? A: The maple sap buckets are hanging on utility poles. @@ -36567,10 +29719,6 @@ A: The maple sap buckets are hanging on utility poles. Q: How do you make an elephant float? A: You get two scoops of elephant and some rootbeer... % -Q: How do you play religious roulette? -A: You stand around in a circle and blaspheme and see who gets - struck by lightning first. -% Q: How do you save a drowning lawyer? A: Throw him a rock. % @@ -36614,16 +29762,6 @@ A: Three. One to screw in the lightbulb and two to fend off all Q: How many college football players does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Only one, but he gets three credits for it. % -Q: How many DEC repairmen does it take to fix a flat? -A: Five; four to hold the car up and one to swap tires. - -Q: How long does it take? -A: It's indeterminate. - It will depend upon how many flats they've brought with them. - -Q: What happens if you've got TWO flats? -A: They replace your generator. -% Q: How many Democrats does it take to enjoy a good joke? A: One more than you can find. % @@ -36660,9 +29798,6 @@ A: Just one. He grasps it firmly and the universe revolves around him. Q: How many IBM 370's does it take to execute a job? A: Four, three to hold it down, and one to rip its head off. % -Q: How many IBM CPU's does it take to do a logical right shift? -A: 33. 1 to hold the bits and 32 to push the register. -% Q: How many IBM types does it take to change a light bulb? A: Fifteen. One to do it, and fourteen to write document number GC7500439-0001, Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility, @@ -36670,13 +29805,6 @@ A: Fifteen. One to do it, and fourteen to write document number left blank", and 20% of the definitions are of the form "A:..... consists of sequences of non-blank characters separated by blanks". % -Q: How many journalists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? -A: Three. One to report it as an inspired government program to bring - light to the people, one to report it as a diabolical government plot - to deprive the poor of darkness, and one to win a Pulitzer prize for - reporting that Electric Company hired a lightbulb-assassin to break - the bulb in the first place. -% Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? A: One. Only it's his light bulb when he's done. % @@ -36719,10 +29847,6 @@ A: I'll have to get back to you on that. Q: How many Marxists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: None: The lightbulb contains the seeds of its own revolution. % -Q: How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? -A: One. He gives it to six Californians, thereby reducing the problem - to the earlier joke. -% Q: How many members of the U.S.S. Enterprise does it take to change a light bulb? A: Seven. Scotty has to report to Captain Kirk that the light bulb in @@ -36734,7 +29858,7 @@ A: Seven. Scotty has to report to Captain Kirk that the light bulb in the next uncharted planet, Alpha Regula IV, to procure a light bulb from the natives, who, are friendly, but seem to be hiding something. Kirk, Spock, Bones, Yeoman Rand and two red shirt security officers - beam down to the planet, where the two security officers are promply + beam down to the planet, where the two security officers are promptly killed by the natives, and the rest of the landing party is captured. As something begins to develop between the Captain and Yeoman Rand, Scotty, back in orbit, is attacked by a Klingon destroyer and must @@ -36762,7 +29886,7 @@ A: "Twelve; one to screw the light-bulb in, and eleven to self-destruct the ship out of disgrace." [Warning: do not tell this joke to Romulans or else be ready for - a fight. They consider this it to be a discrace, though it's + a fight. They consider it to be a disgrace, though it's pretty good for a LBJ. Ed.] % Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb? @@ -36885,8 +30009,8 @@ Q: What do you call a principal female opera singer whose high C is lower than those of other principal female opera singers? A: A deep C diva. % -Q. What do you call a TV set that fixes itself? -A. A Christian Science Monitor. +Q: What do you call a TV set that fixes itself? +A: A Christian Science Monitor. % Q: What do you call a WASP who doesn't work for his father, isn't a lawyer, and believes in social causes? @@ -36909,7 +30033,7 @@ A: Hot cross bunnies! Q: What do you have when you have a lawyer buried up to his neck in sand? A: Not enough sand. % -Q: What does a blonde do first theing in the morning? +Q: What does a blonde do first thing in the morning? A: She goes home. Q: Why does blonde have fur on the hem of her dress? @@ -36991,7 +30115,7 @@ Q: What's bruised, bleeding, and lies in a ditch? A: Somebody who tells Aggie jokes. % Q: What's tan and black and looks great on a lawyer? -A: A doberman. +A: A Doberman. % Q: What's the Blonde's cheer? A: I'm blonde, I'm blonde, I'm B.L.O.N... ah, oh well.. @@ -37003,8 +30127,8 @@ A: Artificial intelligence. Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes light up? A: Shine a flashlight in their ear. % -Q. What's the capital of Canada? -A. American. +Q: What's the capital of Canada? +A: American. % Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road? @@ -37025,8 +30149,8 @@ A: One more drunk. Q: What's the difference between Bell Labs and the Boy Scouts of America? A: The Boy Scouts have adult supervision. % -Q. What's the difference between Los Angeles and yogurt? -A. Yogurt has a living, active culture. +Q: What's the difference between Los Angeles and yogurt? +A: Yogurt has a living, active culture. % Q: What's tiny and yellow and very, very, dangerous? A: A canary with the super-user password. @@ -37071,7 +30195,7 @@ Q: Why did the germ cross the microscope? A: To get to the other slide. % Q: Why did the lone ranger kill Tonto? -A: He found out what "kimosabe" really means. +A: He found out what "kemosabe" really means. % Q: Why did the mathematician name his dog "Cauchy"? A: Because he left a residue at every pole. @@ -37091,9 +30215,6 @@ A: To stamp out flaming ducks. Q: Why do firemen wear red suspenders? A: To conform with departmental regulations concerning uniform dress. % -Q: Why do mountain climbers rope themselves together? -A: To prevent the sensible ones from going home. -% Q: Why do people who live near Niagara Falls have flat foreheads? A: Because every morning they wake up thinking "What *is* that noise? Oh, right, *of course*! @@ -37150,7 +30271,7 @@ A: It wasn't IBM compatible. Q: What do you get when you cross a mobster with an international standard? A: You get someone who makes you an offer that you can't understand! % -Q: What's the difference betweeen USL and the Graf Zeppelin? +Q: What's the difference between USL and the Graf Zeppelin? A: The Graf Zeppelin represented cutting edge technology for its time. % Q: What's the difference between USL and the Titanic? @@ -37212,7 +30333,7 @@ QOTD: "I ain't broke, but I'm badly bent." % QOTD: - "I am not sure what this is, but an 'F' would only dignify it." + "I am not sure what this is, but an `F' would only dignify it." % QOTD: "I don't think they could put him in a mental hospital. On the @@ -37228,7 +30349,7 @@ QOTD: I love your outfit, does it come in your size? % QOTD: - "I may not be able to walk, but I drive from the sitting posistion." + "I may not be able to walk, but I drive from the sitting position." % QOTD: "I only touch base with reality on an as-needed basis!" @@ -37247,7 +30368,7 @@ QOTD: horse with one of the horns broken off." % QOTD: - "I treat her like a throughbred, and she's STILL a nag!" + "I treat her like a thoroughbred, and she's STILL a nag!" % QOTD: "I tried buying a goat instead of a lawn tractor; had to return @@ -37299,7 +30420,7 @@ QOTD: "I'll listen to reason when it comes out on CD." % QOTD: - "I'm just a boy named 'su'..." + "I'm just a boy named `su'..." % QOTD: I'm not a nerd -- I'm "socially challenged". @@ -37497,7 +30618,7 @@ I haven't come far enough and don't call me baby. % QOTD: I looked out my window, and saw Kyle Pettys' car upside down, -then I thought 'One of us is in real trouble'. +then I thought, "One of us is in real trouble." -- Davey Allison, on a 150 m.p.h. crash % QOTD: @@ -37508,7 +30629,7 @@ QOTD: "It wouldn't have been anything, even if it were gonna be a thing." % QOTD: -Lack of planning on your part doesn't consitute an emergency +Lack of planning on your part doesn't constitute an emergency on my part. % QOTD: @@ -37547,20 +30668,15 @@ Quark! Quark! Beware the quantum duck! % Queensboro president Donald Mannis, charged with receiving bribes in exchange for city contracts, resigned on Tuesday. Mannis feels he must -devote more time to impending litigation, some of which might eminate +devote more time to impending litigation, some of which might emanate from a recent statement he made comparing New York Mayor Ed Koch to Nazi Martin Bormann. A spokesman from the Bormann estate said they are weighing the odds of a slander suit. Mayor Koch could naturally be reached for comment, but we chose not to listen. -- Dennis Miller % -Question: - Man Invented Alcohol, - God Invented Grass. - Whom do you trust? -% question = ( to ) ? be : ! be; - -- Wm. Shakespeare + -- William Shakespeare % QUESTION AUTHORITY. @@ -37575,34 +30691,20 @@ Ask somebody something. Questions are never indiscreet, answers sometimes are. -- Oscar Wilde % -Quick!! Act as if nothing has happened! -% -Quidquid latine dictum sit, altum viditur. - -(Whatever is said in Latin sounds profound.) -% -Quigley's Law: - Whoever has any authority over you, - no matter how small, will attempt to use it. -% Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away. -- Robert Orben % Quite frankly, I don't like you humans. After what you all have done, I find being "inhuman" a compliment. % -Qvid me anxivs svm? -% Radicalism: The conservatism of tomorrow injected into the affairs of today. - -- A. Bierce + -- Ambrose Bierce % RADIO SHACK LEVEL II BASIC READY >_ % -Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives. -% Raffiniert ist der Herrgott aber boshaft ist er nicht. -- Albert Einstein % @@ -37632,33 +30734,6 @@ Rarely do people communicate; they just take turns talking. Rascal, am I? Take THAT! -- Errol Flynn % -Rattling around the back of my head is a disturbing image of something I -saw at the airport... Now I'm remembering, those giant piles of computer -magazines right next to "People" and "Time" in the airport store. Does it -bother anyone else that half the world is being told all of our hard-won -secrets of computer technology? Remember how all the lawyers cried foul -when "How to Avoid Probate" was published? Are they taking no-fault -insurance lying down? No way! But at the current rate it won't be long -before there are stacks of the "Transactions on Information Theory" at the -A&P checkout counters. Who's going to be impressed with us electrical -engineers then? Are we, as the saying goes, giving away the store? - -- Robert W. Lucky, IEEE president -% -Razors pain you; -Rivers are damp; -Acids stain you; -And drugs cause cramp. -Guns aren't lawful; -Nooses give; -Gas smells awful; -You might as well live. - -- Dorothy Parker, "Resume", 1926 -% -Re: Graphics: - A picture is worth 10K words -- but only those to describe - the picture. Hardly any sets of 10K words can be adequately - described with pictures. -% Reach into the thoughts of friends, And find they do not know your name. Squeeze the teddy bear too tight, @@ -37683,21 +30758,9 @@ Reading is to the mind what exercise is to the body. % Reagan can't act either. % -Real computer scientists despise the idea of actual hardware. Hardware has -limitations, software doesn't. It's a real shame that Turing machines are -so poor at I/O. -% -Real computer scientists don't write code. They occasionally tinker with -`programming systems', but those are so high level that they hardly count -(and rarely count accurately; precision is for applications). -% Real computer scientists like having a computer on their desk, else how could they read their mail? % -Real computer scientists only write specs for languages that might run on -future hardware. Nobody trusts them to write specs for anything homo sapiens -will ever be able to fit on a single planet. -% Real programmers admire ADA for its overwhelming aesthetic value but they find it difficult to actually program in it, as it is much too large to implement. Most computer scientists don't notice this because they are @@ -37706,44 +30769,16 @@ still arguing over what else to add to ADA. Real programmers don't document; if it was hard to write, it should be hard to understand. % -Real programmers don't draw flowcharts. Flowcharts are, after all, the -illiterate's form of documentation. Cavemen drew flowcharts; look how much -good it did them. -% Real Programmers don't eat quiche. They eat Twinkies and Szechwan food. % -Real Programmers don't play tennis, or any other sport that requires -you to change clothes. Mountain climbing is OK, and real programmers -wear their climbing boots to work in case a mountain should suddenly -spring up in the middle of the machine room. -% Real Programmers don't write in FORTRAN. FORTRAN is for pipe stress freaks and crystallography weenies. % -Real Programmers don't write in PL/I. PL/I is for -programmers who can't decide whether to write in COBOL or FORTRAN. -% -Real Programmers think better when playing Adventure or Rogue. -% Real programs don't eat cache. % -Real Programs don't use shared text. Otherwise, how can they -use functions for scratch space after they are finished calling them? -% Real wealth can only increase. -- R. Buckminster Fuller % -Real World, The n.: - 1. In programming, those institutions at which programming may be -used in the same sentence as FORTRAN, COBOL, RPG, IBM, etc. 2. To -programmers, the location of non-programmers and activities not related to -programming. 3. A universe in which the standard dress is shirt and tie -and in which a person's working hours are defined as 9 to 5. 4. The location -of the status quo. 5. Anywhere outside a university. "Poor fellow, he's -left MIT and gone into T.R.W." Used pejoratively by those not in residence -there. In conversation, talking of someone who has entered the real world -is not unlike talking about a deceased person. -% Reality -- what a concept! -- Robin Williams % @@ -37751,8 +30786,6 @@ Reality always seems harsher in the early morning. % Reality does not exist - yet. % -Reality is an obstacle to hallucination. -% Reality is for people who can't deal with drugs. -- Lily Tomlin % @@ -37763,9 +30796,7 @@ Reality is nothing but a collective hunch. % Reality must take precedence over public relations, for Mother Nature cannot be fooled. - -- R.P. Feynman -% -Really?? What a coincidence, I'm shallow too!! + -- R. P. Feynman % Reappraisal, n: An abrupt change of mind after being found out. @@ -37781,7 +30812,7 @@ Recent investments will yield a slight profit. % Recent research has tended to show that the Abominable No-Man is being replaced by the Prohibitive Procrastinator. - -- C.N. Parkinson + -- C. N. Parkinson % Recently deceased blues guitarist Stevie Ray Vaughan "comes to" after his death. He sees Jimi Hendrix sitting next to him, tuning his guitar. @@ -37800,25 +30831,6 @@ Reception area, n: while the receptionist blithely reads her own trade magazine -- Cosmopolitan. % -Recession is when your neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you -lose your job. These economic downturns are very difficult to predict, -but sophisticated econometric modeling houses like Data Resources and -Chase Econometrics have successfully predicted 14 of the last 3 recessions. -% -Recipe for a Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster: - (1) Take the juice from one bottle of Ol' Janx Spirit - (2) Pour into it one measure of water from the seas of - Santraginus V (Oh, those Santraginean fish!) - (3) Allow 3 cubes of Arcturan Mega-gin to melt into the - mixture (properly iced or the benzine is lost.) - (4) Allow four liters of Fallian marsh gas to bubble through it. - (5) Over the back of a silver spoon, float a measure of - Qualactin Hypermint extract. - (6) Drop in the tooth of an Algolian Suntiger. Watch it dissolve. - (7) Sprinkle Zamphuor. - (8) Add an olive. - (9) Drink... but... very carefully... -% Recipe for a Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster: (1) Take the juice from one bottle of Ol' Janx Spirit (2) Pour into it one measure of water from the seas of @@ -37833,15 +30845,6 @@ Recipe for a Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster: (8) Add an olive. (9) Drink... but... very carefully... % -Reclaimer, spare that tree! -Take not a single bit! -It used to point to me, -Now I'm protecting it. -It was the reader's CONS -That made it, paired by dot; -Now, GC, for the nonce, -Thou shalt reclaim it not. -% Recursion is the root of computation since it trades description for time. % @@ -37864,9 +30867,6 @@ Reichel's Law: Reinhart was never his mother's favorite -- and he was an only child. -- Thomas Berger % -Reisner's Rule of Conceptual Inertia: - If you think big enough, you'll never have to do it. -% Relations are simply a tedious pack of people, who haven't the remotest knowledge of how to live, nor the smallest instinct about when to die. -- Oscar Wilde, "The Importance of Being Earnest" @@ -37878,9 +30878,6 @@ has no need to put up a front of any kind. Reliable source, n: The guy you just met. % -Religion has done love a great service by making it a sin. - -- Anatole France -% Religion is a crutch, but that's okay... humanity is a cripple. % Religion is what keeps the poor from murdering the rich. @@ -37915,15 +30912,12 @@ the first one. % "Remember, if it's being done correctly, here or abroad, it's *not* the U.S. Army doing it!" - -- Good Morning VietNam + -- Good Morning Vietnam % Remember kids, if there's a loaded gun in the room, be sure that you're the one holding it. -- Mr. Greenfatigues % -Remember: Silly is a state of Mind, Stupid is a way of Life. - -- Dave Butler -% Remember that as a teenager you are in the last stage of your life when you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you. -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies" @@ -37945,13 +30939,10 @@ Yea, from the table of my memory I'll wipe away all trivial fond records, All saws of books, all forms, all pressures past, That youth and observation copied there. - -- William Shakespear, "Hamlet" + -- William Shakespeare, "Hamlet" % Remember to say hello to your bank teller. % -Remember, UNIX spelled backwards is XINU. - -- Mt. -% Remember: use logout to logout. % Remembering is for those who have forgotten. @@ -37966,9 +30957,6 @@ Yet kindly sells himself for nought; Removing the straw that broke the camel's back does not necessarily allow the camel to walk again. % -Renning's Maxim: - Man is the highest animal. Man does the classifying. -% Repartee is something we think of twenty-four hours too late. -- Mark Twain % @@ -37988,10 +30976,6 @@ Yogi Berra: "Closed." Reporter: "What would you do if you found a million dollars?" Yogi Berra: "If the guy was poor, I would give it back." % -Reporter (to Mahatma Gandhi): - Mr. Gandhi, what do you think of Western Civilization? -Gandhi: I think it would be a good idea. -% Republicans raise dahlias, Dalmatians and eyebrows. Democrats raise Airedales, kids and taxes. @@ -38018,9 +31002,6 @@ so you're still a valiant nerd. Research is to see what everybody else has seen, and think what nobody else has thought. % -Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing. - -- Wernher von Braun -% Research, n: Consider Columbus: He didn't know where he was going. @@ -38028,9 +31009,6 @@ Research, n: When he got back he didn't know where he had been. And he did it all on someone else's money. % -Resisting temptation is easier when you -think you'll probably get another chance later on. -% Responsibility: Everyone says that having power is a great responsibility. This is a lot of bunk. Responsibility is when someone can blame you if something @@ -38041,7 +31019,7 @@ is to take the blame for your mistakes. If they're smart, that is. Retirement means that when someone says "Have a nice day", you actually have a shot at it. % -Reunite Gondwondaland! +Reunite Gondwanaland! % Rev. Jim: What does an amber light mean? Bobby: Slow down. @@ -38053,23 +31031,6 @@ Revenge is a form of nostalgia. % Revenge is a meal best served cold. % -Review Questions - -1: If Nerd on the planet Nutley starts out in his spaceship at 20 KPH, - and his speed doubles every 3.2 seconds, how long will it be before - he exceeds the speed of light? How long will it be before the - Galactic Patrol picks up the pieces of his spaceship? - -2: If Roger Rowdy wrecks his car every week, and each week he breaks - twice as many bones as before, how long will it be before he breaks - every bone in his body? How long will it be before they cut off - his insurance? Where does he get a new car every week? - -3: If Johnson drinks one beer the first hour (slow start), four beers - the next hour, nine beers the next, etc., and stacks the cans in - a pyramid, how soon will Johnson's pyramid be larger than King - Tut's? When will it fall on him? Will he notice? -% Revolution, n: A form of government abroad. % @@ -38080,29 +31041,6 @@ Revolution, n: revolutionary, adj: Repackaged. % -Rhode's Law: - When any principle, law, tenet, probability, happening, circumstance, - or result can in no way be directly, indirectly, empirically, or - circuitously proven, derived, implied, inferred, induced, deducted, - estimated, or scientifically guessed, it will always for the purpose - of convenience, expediency, political advantage, material gain, or - personal comfort, or any combination of the above, or none of the - above, be unilaterally and unequivocally assumed, proclaimed, and - adhered to as absolute truth to be undeniably, universally, immutably, - and infinitely so, until such time as it becomes advantageous to - assume otherwise, maybe. -% -Rhode's Law: - When any principle, law, tenet, probability, happening, circumstance, -or result can in no way be directly, indirectly, empirically, or circuitously -proven, derived, implied, inferred, induced, deducted, estimated, or -scientifically guessed, it will always for the purpose of convenience, -expediency, political advantage, material gain, or personal comfort, or any -combination of the above, or none of the above, be unilaterally and -unequivocally assumed, proclaimed, and adhered to as absolute truth to be -undeniably, universally, immutably, and infinitely so, until such time as -it becomes advantageous to assume otherwise, maybe. -% Rich bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some men should be happier than others. -- Oscar Wilde @@ -38122,11 +31060,14 @@ Renault: "I'm shocked! Shocked! To find that gambling is Croupier (handing money to Renault): "Your winnings, sir." Renault: "Oh. Thank you very much." - -- Casablanca + -- "Casablanca" % Riffle West Virginia is so small that the Boy Scout had to double as the town drunk. % +Righteous people terrify me ... virtue is its own punishment. + -- Aneurin Bevan +% "Rights" is a fictional abstraction. No one has "Rights", neither machines nor flesh-and-blood. Persons... have opportunities, not rights, which they use or do not use. @@ -38148,10 +31089,6 @@ Robot, n: Robustness, adj: Never having to say you're sorry. % -Rocky's Lemma of Innovation Prevention - Unless the results are known in advance, - funding agencies will reject the proposal. -% Romance, like alcohol, should be enjoyed, but should not be allowed to become necessary. -- Edgar Friedenberg @@ -38193,13 +31130,12 @@ Rudd's Discovery: Rudeness is a weak man's imitation of strength. % Rudin's Law: - If there is a wrong way to do something, most people will - do it every time. + If there is a wrong way to do something, most people will do it +every time. Rudin's Second Law: In a crisis that forces a choice to be made among alternative - courses of action, people tend to choose the worst possible - course. +courses of action, people tend to choose the worst possible course. % rugby, n: Elegant violence. @@ -38225,34 +31161,11 @@ not necessarily consent, even the reluctant variety. They simply may sit in stunned silence and figure ways of sabotaging the plan after they regain their composure. % -Rule of Creative Research: - 1) Never draw what you can copy. - 2) Never copy what you can trace. - 3) Never trace what you can cut out and paste down. -% -Rule of Defactualization: - Information deteriorates upward through bureaucracies. -% -Rule of Feline Frustration: - When your cat has fallen asleep on your lap and looks utterly - content and adorable, you will suddenly have to go to the - bathroom. -% Rule of Life #1 -- Never get separated from your luggage. % -Rule of the Great: - When people you greatly admire appear to be thinking deep - thoughts, they probably are thinking about lunch. -% Rule the Empire through force. -- Shogun Tokugawa % -Rules for driving in New York: - 1) Anything done while honking your horn is legal. - 2) You may park anywhere if you turn your four-way flashers on. - 3) A red light means the next six cars may go through the - intersection. -% Rules for Good Grammar #4. 1: Don't use no double negatives. 2: Make each pronoun agree with their antecedents. @@ -38268,9 +31181,9 @@ Rules for Good Grammar #4. 12: Proofread your writing to see if you any words out. 13: Correct speling is essential. 14: A preposition is something you never end a sentence with. -15: While a transcendant vocabulary is laudable, one must be eternally +15: While a transcendent vocabulary is laudable, one must be eternally careful so that the calculated objective of communication does not - become ensconsed in obscurity. In other words, eschew obfuscation. + become ensconced in obscurity. In other words, eschew obfuscation. % Rules for Writers: Avoid run-on sentences they are hard to read. Don't use no double @@ -38288,24 +31201,6 @@ avoid awkward or affected alliteration. Don't string too many prepositional phrases together unless you are walking through the valley of the shadow of death. "Avoid overuse of 'quotation "marks."'" % -RULES OF EATING -- THE BRONX DIETER'S CREED - 1. Never eat on an empty stomach. - 2. Never leave the table hungry. - 3. When traveling, never leave a country hungry. - 4. Enjoy your food. - 5. Enjoy your companion's food. - 6. Really taste your food. It may take several portions to - accomplish this, especially if subtly seasoned. - 7. Really feel your food. Texture is important. Compare, for - example, the texture of a turnip to that of a brownie. - Which feels better against your cheeks? - 8. Never eat between snacks, unless it's a meal. - 9. Don't feel you must finish everything on your plate. You can - always eat it later. - 10. Avoid any wine with a childproof cap. - 11. Avoid blue food. - -- The Bronx Diet, "Richard Smith" -% Ruling a big country is like cooking a small fish. -- Lao Tsu % @@ -38338,19 +31233,6 @@ sadoequinecrophilia, n: % Safety Third. % -Safety Tips for the Post-Nuclear Existence - Tip #1: How to tell when you are dead. - - 1. Little things start bothering you: little things like worms, - bugs, ants. - 2. Something is missing in your personal relationships. - 3. Your dog becomes overly affectionate. - 4. You have a hard time getting a waiter. - 5. Exotic birds flock around you. - 6. People ignore you at parties. - 7. You have a hard time getting up in the morning. - 8. You no longer get off on cocaine. -% SAGDEEV CALLED ON THE U.S. TO MAKE A RECIPROCAL GESTURE: In a recent speech in London, the irrepressible former head of the @@ -38361,12 +31243,6 @@ violate the ABM treaty. Sagdeev suggested that the U.S. reciprocate by turning the unfinished U.S. embassy in Moscow into a nuclear crisis reduction center. The communication system, he pointed out, is already in place. % -SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22 - Dec 21) - You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless - tendency to rely on luck since you lack talent. The majority of - Sagitarians are drunks or dope fiends or both. People laugh at - you a great deal. -% SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 to Dec. 21) Move slowly today, be deliberate. Indications are for bleeding ulcers. Drink milk. Try not to be your usual offensive and @@ -38473,18 +31349,12 @@ SAN DIEGO: Four million people, where you can't get a good cheeseburger, no matter how hard you try. % -SAN FRANCISCO: - Marcel Proust editing an issue of Penthouse. -% San Francisco has always been my favorite booing city. I don't mean the people boo louder or longer, but there is a very special intimacy. When they boo you, you know they mean *you*. Music, that's what it is to me. One time in Kezar Stadium they gave me a standing boo. -- George Halas, professional footbal coach % -San Francisco isn't what it used to be, and it never was. - -- Herb Caen -% Sanity and insanity overlap a fine grey line. % Sank heaven for leetle curls. @@ -38526,9 +31396,6 @@ MICRO ARTISTS GANG! MAY 1988 BE A HAPPY YEAR! % Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses. % -Satellite Safety Tip #14: - If you see a bright streak in the sky coming at you, duck. -% Satire does not look pretty upon a tombstone. % Satire is tragedy plus time. @@ -38539,15 +31406,6 @@ Satire is what closes in New Haven. Satire is what closes Saturday night. -- George Kaufman % -Sattinger's Law: - It works better if you plug it in. -% -Saturday night in Toledo Ohio, -Is like being nowhere at all, -All through the day how the hours rush by, -You sit in the park and you watch the grass die. - -- John Denver, "Saturday Night in Toledo Ohio" -% Satyrs have more faun. % Savage's Law of Expediency: @@ -38562,16 +31420,12 @@ Save a tree -- kill an ISO working group today. % Save energy: Drive a smaller shell. % -Save energy: be apathetic. -% Save gas, don't eat beans. % Save gas, don't use the shell. % Save the bales! % -Save the whales. Collect the whole set. -% Save yourself! Reboot in 5 seconds! % Say! You've struck a heap of trouble-- @@ -38582,7 +31436,7 @@ Hard luck has of hope bereft you, Health is failing, wish you'd die-- Why, you've still the sunshine left you And the big blue sky. - -- R.W. Service + -- R. W. Service % Say it with flowers, Or say it with mink, @@ -38618,9 +31472,6 @@ Say something you'll be sorry for, I love receiving apologies. % Say "twenty-three-skiddoo" to logout. % -SCCS, the source motel! Programs check in and never check out! - -- Ken Thompson -% SCENARIO: An imagined sequence of events that provides the context in which a business decision is made. Scenarios always come in @@ -38637,21 +31488,10 @@ shoulder. His eyebrows are raised, matter-of-factly, as he spies the boy intently watching him. Caption: - "I'm sorry you've seen me, Billy. Now I'll have to kill you. -% -Schapiro's Explanation: - The grass is always greener on the other side -- - but that's because they use more manure. -% -Schizophrenia beats being alone. -% -schlattwhapper, n: - The window shade that allows itself to be pulled down, - hesitates for a second, then snaps up in your face. - -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" + "I'm sorry you've seen me, Billy. Now I'll have to kill you." % Schmidt's Observation: - All things being equal, a fat person uses more soap + All things being equal, a fat person uses more soap than a thin person. % Science and religion are in full accord but @@ -38674,8 +31514,6 @@ is a house. % Science is to computer science as hydrodynamics is to plumbing. % -Science is what happens when preconception meets verification. -% Science may someday discover what faith has always known. % Science! true daughter of Old Time thou art! @@ -38692,7 +31530,7 @@ To seek a shelter in some happier star? Hast thou not torn the Naiad from her flood, The Elfin from the green grass, and from me The summer dream beneath the tamarind tree? - -- Edgar Allen Poe, "Science, a Sonnet" + -- Edgar Allan Poe, "Science, a Sonnet" % Scientists still know less about what attracts men than they do about what attracts mosquitoes. @@ -38708,20 +31546,15 @@ was a loud crash, and a bolt of lightning came down from the sky, struck the computers, and welded all the connections permanently together. "There is now", came the reply. % -Scintilate, scintilate, globule vivific, +Scintillate, scintillate, globule vivific, Fain how I pause at your nature specific, Loftily poised in the ether capacious, Highly resembling a gem carbonaceous. -Scintilate, scintilate, globule vivific, +Scintillate, scintillate, globule vivific, Fain how I pause at your nature specific. % Scintillation is not always identification for an auric substance. % -SCORPIO (Oct 23 - Nov 21) - You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You will achieve - the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. Most - Scorpio people are murdered. -% SCORPIO (Oct. 23 to Nov. 21) Friends abound today, seeking repayment of past loans. Smile. Check for concealed weapons. Your natural cheerfulness makes others want @@ -38733,25 +31566,6 @@ SCORPIO (Oct.24 - Nov.21) subscribe, and you're just dumb enough to think you've got a chance to win. You never learn. % -Scott's First Law: - No matter what goes wrong, it will probably look right. - -Scott's Second Law: - When an error has been detected and corrected, it will be found - to have been wrong in the first place. -Corollary: - After the correction has been found in error, it will be - impossible to fit the original quantity back into the - equation. -% -Scotty: Captain, we din' can reference it! -Kirk: Analysis, Mr. Spock? -Spock: Captain, it doesn't appear in the symbol table. -Kirk: Then it's of external origin? -Spock: Affirmative. -Kirk: Mr. Sulu, go to pass two. -Sulu: Aye aye, sir, going to pass two. -% Scratch the disks, dump the core, Shut it down, pull the plug Roll the tapes across the floor, Give the core an extra tug And the system is going to crash. And the system is going to crash. @@ -38771,11 +31585,9 @@ Scratch the disks! Drop the core! Roll the tapes across the floor! % -Screw up your courage! You've screwed up everything else. -% SCRIBLINE: The blank area on the back of credit cards where one's signature goes. - -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends + -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets" % 'Scuse me, while I kiss the sky! -- Robert James Marshall (Jimi) Hendrix @@ -38784,14 +31596,6 @@ Sears has everything. % Seattle is so wet that people protect their property with watch-ducks. % -Second Law of Business Meetings: - If there are two possible ways to spell a person's name, you - will pick the wrong one. - -Corollary: - If there is only one way to spell a name, - you will spell it wrong, anyway. -% Second Law of Final Exams: In your toughest final -- for the first time all year -- the most distractingly attractive student in the class will sit next to you. @@ -38801,26 +31605,16 @@ Secrecy is the beginning of tyranny. Secretary's Revenge: Filing almost everything under "the". % -Security check: INTRUDER ALERT! -% Sed quis custodiet ipsos Custodes? [Who guards the Guardians?] % -Seduced, shaggy Samson snored. -She scissored short. Sorely shorn, -Soon shackled slave, Samson sighed, -Silently scheming, -Sightlessly seeking -Some savage, spectacular suicide. - -- Stanislaw Lem -% See, these two penguins walked into a bar, which was really stupid, 'cause the second one should have seen it. % Seeing a commotion in Harvard Square, a man strolled over and asked what was going on. One of the onlookers explained to him that there was a Mooney who had immersed himself in gasoline and was threatening to set fire to -himself to demonstrate his committment to the Rev. Moon. The man gasped and +himself to demonstrate his commitment to the Rev. Moon. The man gasped and asked what was being done to defuse the obviously dangerous situation. "Well", replied the onlooker, "we're taking up a collection -- so far I've got two Bics, four Zippos and eighteen books of matches." @@ -38885,8 +31679,8 @@ register. bears know yer there so's they can run away ... I'll take one fer black bears, and one fer them grizzlies. Say, how do you know yer in grizzly country, anyhow?" - "Look fer scatt. Grizzly scatt's different from black bear scatt." - "Well now, what's IN grizzly scatt that's different?" + "Look fer scat. Grizzly scat's different from black bear scat." + "Well now, what's IN grizzly scat that's different?" "Bear bells." % Seems that a pollster was taking a worldwide opinion poll. @@ -38956,11 +31750,6 @@ SERENDIPITY: Serfs up! -- Spartacus % -Serocki's Stricture: - Marriage is always a bachelor's last option. -% -Serving coffee on aircraft causes turbulence. -% Set the cart before the horse. -- John Heywood % @@ -39008,13 +31797,6 @@ Sex is good, but not as good as fresh sweet corn. Sex is like pizza -- when it's good, it's great; and when it's bad, it's still darn tasty! % -Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation... The other eight are -unimportant. - -- Henry Miller -% -Sex is the mathematics urge sublimated. - -- M.C. Reed -% Sex: the thing that takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble. -- John Barrymore @@ -39025,10 +31807,6 @@ repeated until infinity. Party), in a manual of the party's official sex guidelines, 1973. % -Sex without love is an empty experience, but, -as empty experiences go, it's one of the best. - -- Woody Allen -% Sexual enlightenment is justified insofar as girls cannot learn too soon how children do not come into the world. -- Karl Kraus @@ -39037,7 +31815,7 @@ Shah, shah! Ayatulla you so! % Shall we make a new rule of life from tonight: always to try to be a little kinder than is necessary? - -- J.M. Barrie + -- J. M. Barrie % Shame is an improper emotion invented by pietists to oppress the human race. @@ -39086,23 +31864,17 @@ She cried, and the judge wiped her tears with my checkbook. % She has an alarm clock and a phone that don't ring - they applaud. % -She is descended from a long line that her mother listened to. - -- Gypsy Rose Lee -% She just came in, pounced around this thing with me for a few years, enjoyed herself, gave it a sort of beautiful quality and left. Excited a few men in the meantime. -- Patrick Macnee, reminiscing on Diana Rigg's involvement in "The Avengers". % -She missed an invaluable opportunity to give him -a look that you could have poured on a waffle. -% She often gave herself very good advice (though she very seldom followed it). -- Lewis Carroll % -She ran the gamut of emotions from 'A' to 'B'. +She ran the gamut of emotions from "A" to "B". -- Dorothy Parker, on a Kate Hepburn performance % She say, Miss Colie, You better hush. God might hear you. @@ -39164,17 +31936,7 @@ bender this time -- he left a party in Cleveland, Ohio, at 11:30 last night, and they found his car this morning in the smokestack of a British aircraft carrier in the Formosa Straits.' -- Grand Panjandrum's Special Award, 1985 Bulwer-Lytton - bad fiction contest. -% -Sherry [Thomas Sheridan] is dull, naturally dull; but it must have taken -him a great deal of pains to become what we now see him. Such an excess of -stupidity, sir, is not in Nature. - -- Samuel Johnson -% -Sherry [Thomas Sheridan] is dull, naturally dull; but it must have taken -him a great deal of pains to become what we now see him. Such an excess -of stupidity, sir, is not in Nature. - -- Samuel Johnson + bad fiction contest % She's learned to say things with her eyes that others waste time putting into words. @@ -39199,11 +31961,6 @@ Shift to the right, Mask in, mask out, BYTE, BYTE, BYTE !!! % -SHIFT TO THE LEFT! -SHIFT TO THE RIGHT! -POP UP, PUSH DOWN, -BYTE, BYTE, BYTE! -% Ships are safe in harbor, but they were never meant to stay there. % Shirley MacLaine died today in a freak psychic collision today. Two freaks @@ -39236,8 +31993,6 @@ Show me a good sportsman and I'll show you a player I'm looking to trade. Show me a man who is a good loser and I'll show you a man who playing golf with his boss. % -Show respect for age. Drink good Scotch for a change. -% Show your affection, which will probably meet with pleasant response. % Showing up is 80% of life. @@ -39262,9 +32017,6 @@ Sight is a faculty; seeing is an art. % Sigmund's wife wore Freudian slips. % -Signs of crime: screaming or cries for help. - -- The Brown University Security Crime Prevention Pamphlet -% Silence can be the biggest lie of all. We have a responsibility to speak up; and whenever the occasion calls for it, we have a responsibility to raise bloody hell. @@ -39298,12 +32050,6 @@ And when your father gets home, you are going to get a good licking!" BUT! Silly Sally just laughed and la.....ug.......h....e....d........... BECAUSE! SHE KNEW HER FATHER WAS IN THE GARAGE WHEN SHE BURNED IT DOWN! % -Silverman's Law: - If Murphy's Law can go wrong, it will. -% -Simon's Law: - Everything put together falls apart sooner or later. -% Simplicity does not precede complexity, but follows it. % Simulations are like miniskirts, they show a lot and hide the essentials. @@ -39334,33 +32080,15 @@ having nothing to do with good or bad, acceptance or rejection, one may well burst out in laughter. -- Long Chen Pa % -Since I hurt my pendulum -My life is all erratic. -My parrot who was cordial -Is now transmitting static. -The carpet died, a palm collapsed, -The cat keeps doing poo. -The only thing that keeps me sane -Is talking to my shoe. - -- My Shoe -% Since we cannot hope for order, let us withdraw with style from the chaos. -- Tom Stoppard % -Since we have to speak well of the dead, let's knock them while they're -alive. - -- John Sloan -% Sink or Swim with Teddy! % Sinners can repent, but stupid is forever. % -Sir, it's very possible this asteroid is not stable. - -- CP30 -% -[Sir Stafford Cripps] has all the virtues -I dislike and none of the vices I admire. - -- Winston Churchill +Sir, it's quite possible this asteroid is not entirely stable. + -- C-3PO % Six days after the Creation, Adam was still alone in the Garden of Eden, and getting pretty desperate. "God!" he cried, "rescue me from @@ -39383,11 +32111,6 @@ objects such as wickerwork picnic baskets. Imagination without skill gives us modern art. -- Tom Stoppard % -Skinner's Constant (or Flannagan's Finagling Factor): - That quantity which, when multiplied by, divided by, added to, - or subtracted from the answer you got, gives you the answer you - should have gotten. -% skldfjkljklsR%^&(IXDRTYju187pkasdjbasdfbuil h;asvgy8p 23r1vyui135 2 kmxsij90TYDFS$$b jkzxdjkl bjnk ;j nk;<[][;-==-<<<<<';[, @@ -39397,31 +32120,11 @@ kmxsij90TYDFS$$b jkzxdjkl bjnk ;j nk;<[][;-==-<<<<<';[, Now look what you've gone and done! You've broken it! % -Slang is language that takes off its coat, -spits on its hands, and goes to work. -% -Slaves are generally expected to sing as well as to work ... I did not, when -a slave, understand the deep meanings of those rude, and apparently incoherent -songs. I was myself within the circle, so that I neither saw nor heard as -those without might see and hear. They told a tale which was then altogether -beyond my feeble comprehension: they were tones, loud, long and deep, -breathing the prayer and complaint of souls boiling over with the bitterest -anguish. Every tone was a testimony against slavery, and a prayer to God -for deliverance from chains. - -- Frederick Douglass -% Sleep -- the most beautiful experience in life -- except drink. - -- W.C. Fields + -- W. C. Fields % Sleep is for the weak and sickly. % -Slick's Three Laws of the Universe: - 1) Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check. - 2) A quarter-ounce of chocolate = four pounds of fat. - 3) There are two types of dirt: the dark kind, which is - attracted to light objects, and the light kind, which is - attracted to dark objects. -% Slous' Contention: If you do a job too well, you'll get stuck with it. % @@ -39431,7 +32134,7 @@ Practice crawling. SLURM: The slime that accumulates on the underside of a soap bar when it sits in the dish too long. - -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends + -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets" % Small change can often be found under seat cushions. % @@ -39461,9 +32164,6 @@ SMOKING IS NOW ALLOWED !!! the environment, and anticipated opposition. Statements must be filed 30 days in advance. % -Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics. - -- Fletcher Knebel -% Smoking Prohibited. Absolutely no ifs, ands, or butts. % Smuggling... It's not just a job, it's an adventure! @@ -39473,7 +32173,7 @@ SNACKTREK: The peculiar habit, when searching for a snack, of constantly returning to the refrigerator in hopes that something new will have materialized. - -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends + -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets" % Snakes. Why did it have to be snakes? % @@ -39510,10 +32210,10 @@ Theirs is a strength supreme... theirs is the strength -- to restore. So far as we are human, what we do must be either evil or good: so far as we do evil or good, we are human: and it is better, in a paradoxical way, to do evil than to do nothing: at least we exist. - -- T.S. Eliot, essay on Baudelaire + -- T. S. Eliot, essay on Baudelaire % So from the depths of its enchantment, Terra was able to calculate a course -of action. Here at last was an opportunity to consort with Dirbanu on a +of action. Here at last was an opportunity to consort with Durbanu on a friendly basis -- great Durbanu which, since it had force fields which Earth could not duplicate, must of necessity have many other things Earth could use; mighty Durbanu before whom we would kneel in supplication (with purely- @@ -39591,26 +32291,8 @@ on your mouth as you got me into this. -- "To Linda", from The Poetry Of H. Ross Perot, - composed for Linda Wertheimer of National Public - Radio. From SPY Magazine, November 1992 -% -So she went into the garden to cut a cabbage leaf to make an apple pie; and -at the same time a great she-bear, coming up the street pops its head into -the shop. "What! no soap?" So he died, and she very imprudently married -the barber; and there were present the Picninnies, and the Grand Panjandrum -himself, with the little round button at top, and they all fell to playing -the game of catch as catch can, till the gunpowder ran out at the heels of -their boots. - -- Samuel Foote -% -So she went into the garden to cut a cabbage leaf to make an apple pie; -and at the same time a great she-bear, coming up the street pops its head -into the shop. "What! no soap?" So he died, and she very imprudently -married the barber; and there were present the Picninnies, and the Grand -Panjandrum himself, with the little round button at top, and they all -fell to playing the game of catch as catch can, till the gunpowder ran -out at the heels of their boots. - -- Samuel Foote + composed for Linda Wertheimer of National Public Radio. + From SPY Magazine, November 1992 % So so is good, very good, very excellent good: and yet it is not; it is but so so. @@ -39645,9 +32327,6 @@ development, although clearly it is what they wanted all along. % So this it it. We're going to die. % -So, what's with this guy Gideon, anyway? -And why can't he ever remember his Bible? -% So, you better watch out! You better not cry! You better not pout! @@ -39700,7 +32379,7 @@ COMMUNISM: Give both to the government. The government gives you milk. CAPITALISM: You sell one cow and buy a bull. -FACISM: +FASCISM: You have two cows. Give milk to the government. The government sells it. NAZISM: @@ -39732,7 +32411,7 @@ Solipsists of the World... you are already united. % Solutions are obvious if one only has the optical power to observe them over the horizon. - -- K.A. Arsdall + -- K. A. Arsdall % Some books are to be tasted, others to be swallowed, and some few to be chewed and digested. @@ -39750,17 +32429,10 @@ Some husbands are living proof that a woman can take a joke. % Some marriages are made in heaven -- but so are thunder and lightning. % -Some men are alive simply because it is against the law to kill them. - -- Ed Howe -% Some men are all right in their place -- if they only the knew the right places! -- Mae West % -Some men are born mediocre, some men achieve mediocrity, -and some men have mediocrity thrust upon them. - -- Joseph Heller, "Catch-22" -% Some men are discovered; others are found out. % Some men are heterosexual, and some are bisexual, and some men don't think @@ -39846,17 +32518,11 @@ but at least you only have to climb it once. Some people have a great ambition: to build something that will last, at least until they've finished building it. % -Some people have a way about them that seems to say: "If I have -only one life to live, let me live it as a jerk." -% Some people have no respect for age unless it's bottled. % Some people have parts that are so private they themselves have no knowledge of them. % -Some people live life in the fast lane. -You're in oncoming traffic. -% Some people manage by the book, even though they don't know who wrote the book or even what book. % @@ -39869,7 +32535,7 @@ Some people pray for more than they are willing to work for. % Some people say a front-engine car handles best. Some people say a rear-engine car handles best. I say a rented car handles best. - -- P.J. O'Rourke + -- P. J. O'Rourke % Some peoples mouths work faster than their brains. They say things they haven't even thought of yet. @@ -39893,10 +32559,7 @@ Some scholars are like donkeys, they merely carry a lot of books. Some things have to be believed to be seen. % Somebody left the cork out of my lunch. - -- W.C. Fields -% -Somebody ought to cross ball point pens with coat hangers -so that the pens will multiply instead of disappear. + -- W. C. Fields % Somebody's moggy, by the side of the road, Somebody's pussy, who forgot his highway code, @@ -39962,8 +32625,6 @@ Someone is unenthusiastic about your work. % Someone whom you reject today, will reject you tomorrow. % -Someone will try to honk your nose today. -% Something better... 1 (obvious): Excuse me. Is that your nose or did a bus park on your face? @@ -39991,11 +32652,11 @@ Something unpleasant is coming when men are anxious to tell the truth. -- Benjamin Disraeli % Something's rotten in the state of Denmark. - -- Shakespeare + -- William Shakespeare % Sometime when you least expect it, Love will tap you on the shoulder... and ask you to move out of the way because it still isn't your turn. - -- N.V. Plyter + -- N. V. Plyter % Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar. -- Sigmund Freud @@ -40006,7 +32667,7 @@ fool is despised only because he is a lawyer. % Sometimes, at the end of the day, when I'm smiling and shaking their hands, I want to kick them. - -- Richard M. Nixon + -- Richard Nixon % Sometimes even to live is an act of courage. -- Seneca @@ -40026,16 +32687,10 @@ And sometimes I live in town. And sometimes I have a great notion, To jump in the river and drown. % -Sometimes I simply feel that the whole -world is a cigarette and I'm the only ashtray. -% Sometimes I wonder if I'm in my right mind. Then it passes off and I'm as intelligent as ever. -- Samuel Beckett, "Endgame" % -Sometimes I worry about being a success in a mediocre world. - -- Lily Tomlin -% Sometimes it happens. People just explode. Natural causes. -- Repo Man % @@ -40044,7 +32699,7 @@ Sometimes love ain't nothing but a misunderstanding between two fools. SOMETIMES THE BEAUTY OF THE WORLD is so overwhelming, I just want to throw back my head and gargle. Just gargle and gargle and I don't care who hears me because I am beautiful. - -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. + -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican", 1988. % Sometimes the best medicine is to stop taking something. % @@ -40073,8 +32728,6 @@ else is driving. % Sometimes you get an almost irresistible urge to go on living. % -Somewhere, just out of sight, the unicorns are gathering. -% Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped. -- Sam Levenson @@ -40095,11 +32748,6 @@ Sorry. Nice try. % Sorry never means having you're say to love. % -Space is big. You just won't believe how vastly, hugely, mind-bogglingly -big it is. I mean, you may think it's a long way down the road to the -drug store, but that's just peanuts to space. - -- The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy -% Space is to place as eternity is to time. -- Joseph Joubert % @@ -40113,33 +32761,7 @@ and new civilizations; to boldly go where no man has gone before. % SPAGMUMPS: Any of the millions of Styrofoam wads that accompany mail-order items. - -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends -% -Speak roughly to your little boy, - And beat him when he sneezes: -He only does it to annoy - Because he knows it teases. - - Wow! wow! wow! - -I speak severely to my boy, - And beat him when he sneezes: -For he can thoroughly enjoy - The pepper when he pleases! - - Wow! wow! wow! -% -Speak roughly to your little Vax, -And boot it when it crashes; -It knows that one cannot relax -Because the paging thrashes! - -I speak severely to my Vax, -And boot it when it crashes; -In spite of all my favorite hacks, -My jobs it always trashes! -% -Speak softly and carry a +6 two-handed sword. + -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets" % "Speak, thou vast and venerable head," muttered Ahab, "which, though ungarnished with a beard, yet here and there lookest hoary with mosses; speak, @@ -40161,25 +32783,6 @@ seen enough to split the planets and make an infidel of Abraham, and not one syllable is thine!" -- H. Melville, "Moby Dick" % -Speaking as someone who has delved into the intricacies of PL/I, I am sure -that only Real Men could have written such a machine-hogging, cycle-grabbing, -all-encompassing monster. Allocate an array and free the middle third? -Sure! Why not? Multiply a character string times a bit string and assign the -result to a float decimal? Go ahead! Free a controlled variable procedure -parameter and reallocate it before passing it back? Overlay three different -types of variable on the same memory location? Anything you say! Write a -recursive macro? Well, no, but Real Men use rescan. How could a language -so obviously designed and written by Real Men not be intended for Real Man use? -% -Speaking of love, one problem that recurs more and more frequently these -days, in books and plays and movies, is the inability of people to communicate -with the people they love; Husbands and wives who can't communicate, children -who can't communicate with their parents, and so on. And the characters in -these books and plays and so on (and in real life, I might add) spend hours -bemoaning the fact that they can't communicate. I feel that if a person can't -communicate, the very least he can do is to shut up! - -- Tom Lehrer, "That Was the Year that Was" -% Speaking of purchasing a dog, never buy a watchdog that's on sale. After all, everyone knows a bargain dog never bites! % @@ -40197,16 +32800,9 @@ when the driver will be permitted to make what he can. Spence's Admonition: Never stow away on a kamikaze plane. % -Spend extra time on hobby. Get plenty of rolling papers. -% SPINSTER: A bachelor's wife. % -SPIRTLE: - The fine stream from a grapefruit that always lands - right in your eye. - -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends -% Spock: The odds of surviving another attack are 13562190123 to 1, Captain. % @@ -40221,7 +32817,7 @@ Life is skittles and life is beer. % SQUATCHO: The button at the top of a baseball cap. - -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends + -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets" % Squirrels eating squirrels, my God, that's sick. % @@ -40265,7 +32861,7 @@ STANDARDS: The principles we use to reject other people's code. % Standards are different for all things, so the standard set by man is by -no means the only 'certain' standard. If you mistake what is relative for +no means the only "certain" standard. If you mistake what is relative for something certain, you have strayed far from the ultimate truth. -- Chuang Tzu % @@ -40274,14 +32870,8 @@ Standing on head makes smile of frown, but rest of face also upside down. Stanford women are responsible for the success of many Stanford men: they give them "just one more reason" to stay in and study every night. % -Star Wars is adolescent nonsense; Close Encounters is obscurantist drivel; -Star Trek can turn your brains to puree of bat guano; and the greatest -science fiction series of all time is Doctor Who! And I'll take you all -on, one-by-one or all in a bunch to back it up! - -- Harlan Ellison -% Start every day off with a smile and get it over with. - -- W.C. Fields + -- W. C. Fields % Start the day with a smile. After that you can be your nasty old self again. @@ -40334,10 +32924,6 @@ Statistics are no substitute for judgement. % Statistics means never having to say you're certain. % -Stay away from flying saucers today. -% -Stay away from hurricanes for a while. -% Stay the curse. % Stay together, drag each other down. @@ -40368,12 +32954,8 @@ hooks into, there is room for lateral movement. Once this begins, its rate is a matter of discretion. -- Corwin, "Prince of Amber" % -Stealing a rhinoceros should not be attempted lightly. -% Steckel's Rule to Success: Good enough is never good enough. -% -Steele's Plagiarism of Somebody's Philosophy: Everybody should believe in something -- I believe I'll have another drink. % @@ -40419,11 +33001,6 @@ on the credulity of human nature. % Stop me, before I kill again! % -Stop searching. Happiness is right next to you. -% -Stop searching. Happiness is right next to you. -Now, if they'd only take a bath... -% Stop searching forever. Happiness is just next to you. % Stop searching forever. Happiness is unattainable. @@ -40471,13 +33048,6 @@ real understanding. An egoless acceptance of stuckness is a key to an understanding of all Quality, in mechanical work as in other endeavors. -- R. Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance" % -Stult's Report: - Our problems are mostly behind us. - What we have to do now is fight the solutions. -% -STUPID: - Losing $25 on the tackle and $25 on the instant replay. -% Stupidity is its own reward. % Style may not be the answer, but at least it's a workable alternative. @@ -40485,16 +33055,6 @@ Style may not be the answer, but at least it's a workable alternative. Suaviter in modo, fortiter in re. Se non e vero, e ben trovato. % -Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very'; your -editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be. - -- Mark Twain -% -Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the -way before it is understood. -% -Subtlety is the art of saying what you think -and getting out of the way before it is understood -% Suburbia is where the developer bulldozes out the trees, then names the streets after them. -- Bill Vaughn @@ -40508,12 +33068,10 @@ Success is in the minds of Fools. % Success is relative: It is what we can make of the mess we have made of things. - -- T.S. Eliot, "The Family Reunion" + -- T. S. Eliot, "The Family Reunion" % Success is something I will dress for when I get there, and not until. % -Succumb to natural tendencies. Be hateful and boring. -% Such a fine first dream! But they laughed at me; they said I had made it up. @@ -40575,7 +33133,7 @@ Supervisee: Ah! Well, what do we mean by "to understand" in the context of Quantum Mechanics? Supervisor: You mean "No", don't you? Supervisee: Yes. - -- Overheard at a supervision. + -- Overheard at a supervision % Support Bingo, keep Grandma off the streets. % @@ -40587,10 +33145,6 @@ Don't wear your motorcycle helmet. Support the Girl Scouts! (Today's Brownie is tomorrow's Cookie!) % -Support the right of unborn males to bear arms! - -- A public service announcement from Phyllis Schlafly, - the Catholic Church, and the National Rifle Association -% Support your local church or synagogue. Worship at Bank of America. % @@ -40609,30 +33163,15 @@ were interested in miniaturization, you could place half a dozen of them on a pinhead. -- Christopher Evans % -Sure, Reagan has promised to take senility tests. -But what if he forgets? -% Sure there are dishonest men in local government. But there are dishonest men in national government too. - -- Richard M. Nixon + -- Richard Nixon % "Surely you can't be serious." "I am serious, and don't call me Shirley." % Surly to bed, surly to rise, makes you about average. % -Surprise! You are the lucky winner of random I.R.S Audit! -Just type in your name and social security number. -Please remember that leaving the room is punishable under law: - -Name # - - -% -Surprise due today. Also the rent. -% -Surprise your boss. Get to work on time. -% sushi, n: When that-which-may-still-be-alive is put on top of rice and strapped on with electrical tape. @@ -40641,7 +33180,7 @@ Sushido, n: The way of the tuna. % Suspicion always haunts the guilty mind. - -- Wm. Shakespeare + -- William Shakespeare % Swap read error. You lose your mind. % @@ -40660,9 +33199,6 @@ the rifled hearts of mountains, under torrents' beds, unerringly I rush! -- Captain Ahab, "Moby Dick" % -Swipple's Rule of Order: - He who shouts the loudest has the floor. -% Symptom: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, beer is unusually pale and clear. Problem: Glass empty. @@ -40724,7 +33260,7 @@ Fault: You have fallen forward. Action Required: See above. Symptom: Opposite wall covered with acoustic tile and several - flourescent light strips. + fluorescent light strips. Fault: You have fallen over backward. Action Required: If your glass is full and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to help @@ -40732,9 +33268,6 @@ Action Required: If your glass is full and no one is standing on your -- Bar Troubleshooting % -Syntactic sugar causes cancer of the semicolon. - -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 -% System checkpoint complete. % System going down at 1:45 this afternoon for disk crashing. @@ -40745,49 +33278,26 @@ System going down in 5 minutes. % System restarting, wait... % -System/3! System/3! -See how it runs! See how it runs! - Its monitor loses so totally! - It runs all its programs in RPG! - It's made by our favorite monopoly! -System/3! -% SYSTEM-INDEPENDENT: Works equally poorly on all systems. % -Systems have sub-systems and sub-systems have sub-systems and so on ad -infinitum -- which is why we're always starting over. - -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 -% Systems programmer: A person in sandals who has been in the elevator with the senior vice president and is ultimately responsible for a phone call you are to receive from your boss. % Systems programmers are the high priests of a low cult. - -- R.S. Barton -% -T: One big monster, he called TROLL. - He don't rock, and he don't roll; - Drink no wine, and smoke no stogies. - He just Love To Eat Them Roguies. - -- The Roguelet's ABC + -- R. S. Barton % TACKY: Serving grape kool-aid at religious functions. % -TACT: - The unsaid part of what you're thinking. -% Tact consists in knowing how far to go in going too far. -- Jean Cocteau % Tact in audacity is knowing how far you can go without going too far. -- Jean Cocteau % -Tact is the ability to tell a man he has -an open mind when he has a hole in his head. -% Tact is the art of making a point without making an enemy. % Take a lesson from the whale; the only time @@ -40802,21 +33312,12 @@ necessities will take care of themselves. Take Care of the Molehills, and the Mountains Will Take Care of Themselves. -- Motto of the Federal Civil Service % -Take everything in stride. -Trample anyone who gets in your way. -% TAKE FORCEFUL ACTION: Do something that should have been done a long time ago. % -Take it easy, we're in a hurry. -% Take me drunk, I'm home again! % -Take my word for it, the silliest woman can manage a clever man, -but it needs a very clever woman to manage a fool. - -- Kipling -% Take time to reflect on all the things you have, not as a result of your merit or hard work or because God or chance or the efforts of other people have given them to you. @@ -40824,11 +33325,6 @@ have given them to you. Take what you can use and let the rest go by. -- Ken Kesey % -Take your dying with some seriousness, however. -Laughing on the way to your execution is not generally understood -by less-advanced life-forms, and they'll call you crazy. - -- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul -% Take your Senator to lunch this week. % Take your work seriously but never take yourself seriously; and do not @@ -40845,18 +33341,9 @@ You do what you get paid to do. % Talk is cheap because supply always exceeds demand. % -Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish. - -- Euripides -% -Talkers are no good doers. - -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI" -% Talking about music is like dancing about architecture. -- Laurie Anderson % -Talking much about oneself can also be a means to conceal oneself. - -- Friedrich Nietzsche -% Tallulah Bankhead barged down the Nile last night as Cleopatra and sank. -- John Mason Brown, drama critic @@ -40874,12 +33361,7 @@ All together now... % Tart words make no friends; a spoonful of honey will catch more flies than a gallon of vinegar. - -- B. Franklin -% -TAURUS (Apr 20 - May 20) - You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination - and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bull - headed. You are a Communist. + -- Benjamin Franklin % TAURUS (Apr. 20 to May 20) Let your self-confidence and determination shine, and people will @@ -40894,23 +33376,15 @@ TAURUS (Apr.20 - May 20) TAX OFFICE: Den of inequity. % -Tax reform means "Don't tax you, don't -tax me, tax that fellow behind the tree." - -- Russell Long -% TAXES: Of life's two certainties, the only one for which you can get an extension. % -TAXES: - Of life's two certainties, the only one for - which you can get an extension. -% Taxes are not levied for the benefit of the taxed. % TCP/IP Slang Glossary, #1: -Gong, n: Medieval term for privvy, or what pased for them in that era. +Gong, n: Medieval term for privvy, or what passed for them in that era. Today used whimsically to describe the aftermath of a bogon attack. Think of our community as the Galapagos of the English language. @@ -40925,8 +33399,6 @@ Teachers have class. TEAMWORK: Having someone to blame. % -Teamwork is essential -- it allows you to blame someone else. -% Technicality, n. In an English court a man named Home was tried for slander in having accused a neighbor of murder. His exact words were: "Sir Thomas Holt hath taken a cleaver and stricken his cook upon the @@ -40937,7 +33409,7 @@ not charge murder, for they did not affirm the death of the cook, that being only an inference. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" % -Technique?" said the programmer turning from his terminal, "What I follow +"Technique?" said the programmer turning from his terminal, "What I follow is Tao -- beyond all technique! When I first began to program I would see before me the whole problem in one mass. After three years I no longer saw this mass. Instead, I used subroutines. But now I see nothing. My whole @@ -40947,11 +33419,7 @@ itself. True, sometimes there are difficult problems. I see them coming, I slow down, I watch silently. Then I change a single line of code and the difficulties vanish like puffs of idle smoke. I then compile the program. I sit still and let the joy of the work fill my being. I close my eyes for -a moment and then log off. -% -Technological progress has merely provided us -with more efficient means for going backwards. - -- Aldous Huxley +a moment and then log off." % Technology is dominated by those who manage what they do not understand. % @@ -40964,16 +33432,11 @@ but weren't sure. But if you're searching for something you don't already know, your fingers could walk themselves to death. -- Erma Bombeck % -telephone, n.: - An invention of the devil which abrogates some of the advantages of -making a disagreeable person keep his distance. - -- Ambrose Bierce -% TELEPRESSION: The deep-seated guilt which stems from knowing that you did not try hard enough to look up the number on your own and instead put the burden on the directory assistant. - -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends + -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets" % Television -- a medium. So called because it is neither rare nor well done. -- Ernie Kovacs @@ -41002,12 +33465,6 @@ Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he'll have to touch to be sure. % -Tell me, O Octopus, I begs, -Is those things arms, or is they legs? -I marvel at thee, Octopus; -If I were thou, I'd call me us. - -- Ogden Nash -% Tell me what to think!!! % Tell me why the stars do shine, @@ -41052,48 +33509,9 @@ and handed the others to Dutsky. Ten persons who speak make more noise than ten thousand who are silent. -- Napoleon I % -Ten years of rejection slips is nature's -way of telling you to stop writing. - -- R. Geis -% -Terence, this is stupid stuff: -You eat your victuals fast enough; -There can't be much amiss, 'tis clear, -To see the rate you drink your beer. -But oh, good Lord, the verse you make, -It gives a chap the belly-ache. -The cow, the old cow, she is dead; -It sleeps well the horned head: -We poor lads, 'tis our turn now -To hear such tunes as killed the cow. -Pretty friendship 'tis to rhyme -Your friends to death before their time. -Moping, melancholy mad: -Come, pipe a tune to dance to, lad. - -- A.E. Housman -% Term, holidays, term, holidays, till we leave school, and then work, work, work till we die. - -- C.S. Lewis -% -Termiter's argument that God is His own grandmother generated a surprising -amount of controversy among Church leaders, who on the one hand considered -the argument unsupported by scripture but on the other hand were unwilling -to risk offending God's grandmother. - -- Len Cool, "American Pie" -% -Tertullian was born in Carthage somewhere about 160 A.D. He was a pagan, -and he abandoned himself to the lascivious life of his city until about -his 35th year, when he became a Christian. [...] To him is ascribed the -sublime confession: Credo quia absurdum est (I believe because it is absurd). -This does not altogether accord with historical fact, for he merely said: - "And the Son of God died, which is immediately credible because it - is absurd. And buried he rose again, which is certain because it - is impossible." -Thanks to the acuteness of his mind, he saw through the poverty of -philosophical and Gnostic knowledge, and contemptuously rejected it. - -- C.G. Jung, "Psychological Types" - [Tertullian was one of the founders of the Catholic Church. Ed.] + -- C. S. Lewis % Test for paraquat: Take amount of grass used in one joint, and wash in 5 cc's @@ -41102,11 +33520,9 @@ Test for paraquat: bicarbonate and sodium dithionite. If paraquat is present, the solution will turn blue-green. % -Testing can show the presense of bugs, but not their absence. +Testing can show the presence of bugs, but not their absence. -- Edsger W. Dijkstra % -Test-tube babies shouldn't throw stones. -% TEUTONIC: Not enough gin. % @@ -41176,9 +33592,6 @@ REAL-TIME EXECUTIONER to delete liveware that adversely affects ... % That which is not good for the swarm, neither is it good for the bee. % -That woman speaks eight languages and can't say "no" in any of them. - -- Dorothy Parker -% That Xanthippe's husband should have become so great a philosopher is remarkable. Amid all the scolding, to be able to think! But he could not write: that was impossible. Socrates has not left us a single book. @@ -41200,10 +33613,10 @@ That's life for you, said McDunn. Someone always waiting for someone who never comes home. Always someone loving something more than that thing loves them. And after awhile you want to destroy whatever that thing is, so it can't hurt you no more. - -- R. Bradbury, "The Fog Horn" + -- Ray Bradbury, "The Fog Horn" % "That's no answer," Job said, "And for someone who's supposed to be -omnipotent, let me tell you 'tabernacle' has only one l." +omnipotent, let me tell you `tabernacle' has only one l." -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" % That's no moon... @@ -41234,28 +33647,17 @@ That's where the money was. It's a rather pleasant experience to be alone in a bank at night. -- Willie Sutton % -The White Rabbit put on his spectacles. - "Where shall I begin, please your Majesty ?" he asked. - "Begin at the beginning,", the King said, very gravely, -"and go on till you come to the end: then stop." - -- Lewis Carroll -% The 11 is for people with the pride of a 10 and the pocketbook of an 8. - -- R.B. Greenberg + -- R. B. Greenberg % The 357.73 Theory -- Auditors always reject expense accounts with a bottom line divisible by 5. % -The 80's -- when you can't tell hairstyles from chemotherapy. -% The 'A' is for content, the 'minus' is for not typing it. Don't ever do this to my eyes again. -- Professor Ronald Brady, Philosophy, Ramapo State College % -The Abrams' Principle: - The shortest distance between two points is off the wall. -% The absence of labels [in ECL] is probably a good thing. -- T. Cheatham % @@ -41287,7 +33689,7 @@ he is already degraded. % The aim of science is to seek the simplest explanations of complex facts. Seek simplicity and distrust it. - -- Whitehead. + -- Whitehead % The alarm clock that is louder than God's own belongs to the roommate with the earliest class. @@ -41328,12 +33730,6 @@ The Analytical Engine weaves Algebraical patterns just as the Jacquard loom weaves flowers and leaves. -- Ada Augusta, Countess of Lovelace, the first programmer % -The Anarchists' [national] anthem is an international anthem that consists -of 365 raspberries blown in very quick succession to the tune of "Camptown -Races". Nobody has to stand up for it, nobody has to listen to it, and, -even better, nobody has to play it. - -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" -% The Ancient Doctrine of Mind Over Matter: I don't mind... and you don't matter. @@ -41348,7 +33744,7 @@ with which you can threaten your enemies. % The Anglo-Saxon conscience does not prevent the Anglo-Saxon from sinning, it merely prevents him from enjoying his sin. - --Salvador De Madariaga + -- Salvador De Madariaga % The angry man always thinks he can do more than he can. -- Albertano of Brescia @@ -41360,15 +33756,15 @@ doctors nor lawyers. The annual meeting of the "You Have To Listen To Experience" Club is now in session. Our Achievement Awards this year are in the fields of publishing, advertising and industry. For best consistent contribution in the field of -publishing our award goes to editor, R.L.K., [...] for his unrivalled alle- +publishing our award goes to editor, R. L. K., [...] for his unrivalled alle- giance without variation to the statement: "Personally I'd love to do it, we'd ALL love to do it. But we're not going to do it. It's not the kind of book our house knows how to handle." Our superior performance award in the -field of advertising goes to media executive, E.L.M., [...] for the continu- +field of advertising goes to media executive, E. L. M., [...] for the continu- ally creative use of the old favorite: "I think what you've got here could be very exciting. Why not give it one more try based on the approach I've out- lined and see if you can come up with something fresh." Our final award for -courageous holding action in the field of industry goes to supervisor, R.S., +courageous holding action in the field of industry goes to supervisor, R. S., [...] for her unyielding grip on "I don't care if they fire me, I've been arguing for a new approach for YEARS but are we SURE that this is the right time--" I would like to conclude this meeting with a verse written specially @@ -41403,19 +33799,6 @@ and all spare parts are non-lethal. The plainest print cannot be read through a solid gold sovereign, or a ruble or a golden eagle. -- Sam Cummings, American arms dealer % -The Army has carried the American ... ideal to its logical conclusion. -Not only do they prohibit discrimination on the grounds of race, creed -and color, but also on ability. - -- T. Lehrer -% -The Army needs leaders the way a foot needs a big toe. - -- Bill Murray -% -The assertion that "all men are created equal" was of no practical use in -effecting our separation from Great Britain and it was placed in the -Declaration not for that, but for future use. - -- Abraham Lincoln -% The astronomer Francesco Sizi, a contemporary of Galileo, argues that Jupiter can have no satellites: @@ -41439,8 +33822,6 @@ The average, healthy, well-adjusted adult gets up at seven-thirty in the morning feeling just terrible. -- Jean Kerr % -The average income of the modern teenager is about 2AM. -% The average individual's position in any hierarchy is a lot like pulling a dogsled -- there's no real change of scenery except for the lead dog. % @@ -41454,7 +33835,7 @@ The average woman must inevitably view her actual husband with a certain disdain; he is anything but her ideal. In consequence, she cannot help feeling that her children are cruelly handicapped by the fact that he is their father. - -- Mencken + -- H. L. Mencken % The avocation of assessing the failures of better men can be turned into a comfortable livelihood, providing you back it up with a Ph.D. @@ -41494,7 +33875,7 @@ And meteors fright the fixed stars of heaven; The pale-faced moon looks bloody on the earth And lean-look'd prophets whisper fearful change. These signs forerun the death or fall of kings. - -- Wm. Shakespeare, "Richard II" + -- William Shakespeare, "Richard II" % THE BEATLES: Paul McCartney's old back-up band. @@ -41511,9 +33892,6 @@ The beer-cooled computer does not harm the ozone layer. The best audience is intelligent, well-educated and a little drunk. -- Maurice Baring % -The best book on programming for the layman is "Alice in Wonderland"; -but that's because it's the best book on anything for the layman. -% The best case: Get salary from America, build a house in England, live with a Japanese wife, and eat Chinese food. Pretty good case: Get salary from England, build a house in America, @@ -41521,12 +33899,7 @@ Pretty good case: Get salary from England, build a house in America, The worst case: Get salary from China, build a house in Japan, live with a British wife, and eat American food. - --Bungei Shunju, a popular Japanese magazine -% -The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep. - -- W.C. Fields -% -The best defense against logic is ignorance. + -- Bungei Shunju, a popular Japanese magazine % The best definition of a gentleman is a man who can play the accordion -- but doesn't. @@ -41577,8 +33950,6 @@ drifting side by side to our common doom. The best thing about being bald is, that, when unexpected company arrives, all you have to do is straighten your tie. % -The best thing about growing older is that it takes such a long time. -% The best thing that comes out of Iowa is I-80. % The best things in life are for a fee. @@ -41612,7 +33983,7 @@ The better part of valor is discretion. % The better the state is established, the fainter is humanity. To make the individual uncomfortable, that is my task. - -- Nietzsche + -- Friedrich Nietzsche % The Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals and 362 admonishments to heterosexuals. That doesn't mean that God doesn't love heterosexuals. @@ -41646,9 +34017,6 @@ hungry all the time? % The bigger they are, the harder they hit. % -The biggest difference between time and space is that you can't reuse time. - -- Merrick Furst -% The biggest mistake you can make is to believe that you are working for someone else. % @@ -41668,10 +34036,8 @@ containers in wild areas have been difficult, because as one biologist put it, "There is a considerable overlap between the intelligence levels of the smartest bears and the dumbest tourists." % -The bland leadeth the bland and they both shall fall into the kitsch. -% The bold youth of today is very lonely. - -- Poul Henningsen [1894-1967] + -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967) % The bomb will never go off. I speak as an expert in explosives. -- Admiral William Leahy, U.S. Atomic Bomb Project @@ -41683,7 +34049,7 @@ hadn't heard the scream at all, but not calm or balmy or even very nice for those who did hear the scream, discounting the little period of time during the actual scream itself when your ears might have been hearing it but your brain wasn't reacting yet to let you know. - -- Winning sentence, 1986 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest. + -- Winning sentence, 1986 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest % The boy stood on the burning deck, Eating peanuts by the peck. @@ -41693,11 +34059,6 @@ For he loved those peanuts so. The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning, and does not stop until you get to work. % -The Briggs - Chase Law of Program Development: - To determine how long it will take to write and debug a - program, take your best estimate, multiply that by two, add - one, and convert to the next higher units. -% The British are coming! The British are coming! % The brotherhood of man is not a mere poet's dream; it is a most depressing @@ -41737,10 +34098,10 @@ people, and don't come in clearly enough. % The camel died quite suddenly on the second day, and Selena fretted sullenly and, buffing her already impeccable nails -- not for the first -time since the journey begain -- pondered snidely if this would dissolve +time since the journey began -- pondered snidely if this would dissolve into a vignette of minor inconveniences like all the other holidays spent with Basil. - -- Winning sentence, 1983 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest. + -- Winning sentence, 1983 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest % The carbonyl is polarized, The delta end is plus. @@ -41755,25 +34116,15 @@ From C to shining C. The cart has no place where a fifth wheel could be used. -- Herbert von Fritzlar % -The Celts invented two things, Whiskey and self-distruction. +The Celts invented two things, Whiskey and self-destruction. % The chains of marriage are so heavy that it takes two to carry them, and sometimes three. -- Alexandre Dumas % -The chicken that clucks the loudest is the one most likely to show up -at the steam fitters picnic. -% -The chief cause of problems is solutions. - -- Eric Sevareid -% The chief enemy of creativity is "good" sense -- Picasso % -The church is near but the road is icy, -the bar is far away but I will walk carefully. - -- Russian Proverb -% The church saves sinners, but science seeks to stop their manufacture. -- Elbert Hubbard % @@ -41794,8 +34145,6 @@ and the soldiers' pay was lavished on the useless multitudes of both sexes who could only plead the merits of abstinence and chastity. -- Edward Gibbons, "The Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire" % -The climate of Bombay is such that its inhabitants have to live elsewhere. -% The closest to perfection a person ever comes is when they fill out a job application. % @@ -41804,7 +34153,7 @@ is when he fills out a job application form. -- Stanley J. Randall % The clothes have no emperor. - -- C.A.R. Hoare, commenting on ADA. + -- C. A. R. Hoare, commenting on ADA % The coast was clear. -- Lope de Vega @@ -41874,9 +34223,6 @@ The computer is to the information industry roughly what the central power station is to the electrical industry. -- Peter Drucker % -The computing field is always in need of new cliches. - -- Alan Perlis -% The concept seems to be clear by now. It has been defined several times by examples of what it is not. % @@ -41893,28 +34239,17 @@ The control of the production of wealth is the control of human life itself. -- Hilaire Belloc % -The correct way to punctuate a sentence that starts: "Of course it is -none of my business, but --" is to place a period after the word "but." -Don't use excessive force in supplying such a moron with a period. -Cutting his throat is only a momentary pleasure and is bound to get -you talked about. - -- Lazarus Long -% The cost of feathers has risen, even down is up! % The cost of living has just gone up another dollar a quart. - -- W.C. Fields -% -The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity. + -- W. C. Fields % -The cost of living is going up, and the chance of living is going down. -% -The countdown had stalled at 'T' minus 69 seconds when Desiree, the first +The countdown had stalled at "T" minus 69 seconds when Desiree, the first female ape to go up in space, winked at me slyly and pouted her thick, rubbery lips unmistakably -- the first of many such advances during what would prove to be the longest, and most memorable, space voyage of my career. - -- Winning sentence, 1985 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest. + -- Winning sentence, 1985 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest % The course of true anything never does run smooth. -- Samuel Butler @@ -41922,30 +34257,16 @@ The course of true anything never does run smooth. The courtroom was pregnant (pun intended) with anxious silence as the judge solemnly considered his verdict in the paternity suit before him. Suddenly, he reached into the folds of his robes, drew out a cigar and -cermoniously handed it to the defendant. +ceremoniously handed it to the defendant. "Congratulations!" declaimed the jurist. "You have just become a father!" % The covers of this book are too far apart. - -- Book review by Ambrose Bierce. -% -The cow is nothing but a machine which makes grass fit for us people to eat. - -- John McNulty + -- Ambrose Bierce, reviewing a book % The Creation of the Universe was made possible by a grant from Texas Instruments. - -- Credits from the PBS program ``The Creation of the Universe'' -% -The Crown is full of it! - -- Nate Harris, 1775 -% -The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should therefore -be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could hardly be -propagated. If the doctrine be admitted, rulers have only to declare war -and they are screened at once from scrutiny. ... In war, then, as in peace, -assert the freedom of speech and of the press. Cling to this as the bulwark -of all our rights and privileges. - -- William Ellery Channing + -- Credits from the PBS program `The Creation of the Universe' % The curse of the Irish is not that they don't know the @@ -41966,7 +34287,7 @@ The dangerous Lego Bomb, which targets shag rugs and scatters pieces of plastic that hurt like hell when you step on them is banned entirely.... Hiring David Copperfield to pretend to saw the missiles in half will not be permitted... In order to reduce risk of accidental war, both sides -agree to ban the popular but dangerous 'Simon Says' training drill at +agree to ban the popular but dangerous "Simon Says" training drill at nuclear launch sites... Under no circumstances will either side reveal that it hammered out the treaty in one afternoon, but spent the last nine years arguing the Monty Hall and the three doors problem. @@ -41974,7 +34295,7 @@ years arguing the Monty Hall and the three doors problem. % The day advanced as if to light some work of mine; it was morning, and lo! now it is evening, and nothing memorable is accomplished. - -- H.D. Thoreau + -- H. D. Thoreau % The day will come when the mystical generation of Jesus, by the Supreme Being as his Father, in the womb of a virgin will be classified with the fable of @@ -41989,12 +34310,6 @@ The days are all empty and the nights are unreal. The days just prior to marriage are like a snappy introduction to a tedious book. % -The day-to-day travails of the IBM programmer are so amusing to most of us -who are fortunate enough never to have been one -- like watching Charlie -Chaplin trying to cook a shoe. -% -The debate rages on: Is PL/I Bachtrian or Dromedary? -% "The deceased was killed by 1207.3557298 Volts AC RMS applied by accident when he brushed against the output terminal of a John B. Fluke Company High Voltage Calibrator." @@ -42027,7 +34342,7 @@ into a drawer. young man opened the first envelope, which said, "Blame it all on me." The next day, he held a press conference and did just that. The crisis passed. - Six months later, sales dropped precipitously. The beleagured + Six months later, sales dropped precipitously. The beleaguered manager opened the second envelope. It said, "Reorganize." He held another press conference, announcing that the division would be restructured. The crisis passed. @@ -42042,8 +34357,6 @@ The descent to Hades is the same from every place. The devil can cite Scripture for his purpose. -- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice" % -The devil finds work for idle circuits to do. -% The devil finds work for idle glands. % The die is cast. @@ -42057,17 +34370,12 @@ The difference between a Miracle and a Fact is exactly the difference between a mermaid and a seal. -- Mark Twain % -The difference between a misfortune and a calamity? If Gladstone fell into -the Thames, it would be a misfortune. But if someone dragged him out again, -it would be a calamity. - -- Benjamin Disraeli -% The difference between America and England is, the English think 100 miles is a long distance and the Americans think 100 years is a long time. % The difference between art and science is that science is what we understand well enough to explain to a computer. Art is everything else. - -- Donald Knuth, "Discover" + -- Donald E. Knuth, "Discover" % The difference between common-sense and paranoia is that common-sense is thinking everyone is out to get you. That's normal -- they are. Paranoia @@ -42086,10 +34394,6 @@ The difference between reality and unreality is that reality has so little to recommend it. -- Allan Sherman % -The difference between science and the fuzzy subjects is that science -requires reasoning while those other subjects merely require scholarship. - -- Robert Heinlein -% The difference between sentiment and being sentimental is the following: Sentiment is when a driver swerves out of the way to avoid hitting a rabbit on the road. Being sentimental is when the same driver, when @@ -42113,7 +34417,7 @@ The difference between us is not very far, cruising for burgers in daddy's new car. % The difference between waltzes and disco is mostly one of volume. - -- T.K. + -- T. K. % The difficult we do today; the impossible takes a little longer. % @@ -42141,32 +34445,18 @@ and whole carloads of other foolish trumpery that we find in Christianity. % The door is the key. % -The duck hunter trained his retriever to walk on water. Eager to show off -this amazing accomplishment, he asked a friend to go along on his next -hunting trip. Saying nothing, he fired his first shot and, as the duck fell, -the dog walked on the surface of the water, retrieved the duck and returned -it to his master. - "Notice anything?" the owner asked eagerly. - "Yes," said his friend, "I see that fool dog of yours can't swim." -% The duration of passion is proportionate with the original resistance of the woman. - -- Honore DeBalzac + -- Honore de Balzac % The eagle may soar, but the weasel never gets sucked into a jet engine. % The early bird gets the coffee left over from the night before. % -The early bird who catches the worm works for someone who comes in late -and owns the worm farm. - -- Travis McGee -% The early worm gets the bird. % The early worm gets the late bird. % -The earth is like a tiny grain of sand, only much, much heavier. -% "The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also." @@ -42174,12 +34464,12 @@ teaches me to suspect that my own is also." or to weaken it. I am not able to believe one's religion can affect his hereafter one way or the other, no matter what that religion may be. But it may easily be a great comfort to him in this life -- hence it is a -valuable posession to him." +valuable possession to him." "I do not see how eternal punishment hereafter could accomplish any good end, therefore I am not able to believe in it. To chasten a man in order to perfect him might be reasonable enough; to annihilate him when he shall -have proved himself incapable of reaching perfection mught be reasonable +have proved himself incapable of reaching perfection might be reasonable enough; but to roast him forever for the mere satisfaction of seeing him roast would not be reasonable -- even the atrocious God imagined by the Jews would tire of the spectacle eventually." @@ -42193,17 +34483,17 @@ The elder gods went to Yuggoth, and all you got was this lousy fortune. % The Encyclopaedia Galactica defines a robot as a mechanical apparatus designed to do the work of a man. The marketing division of Sirius Cybernetics -Corporation defines a robot as 'Your Plastic Pal Who's Fun To Be With'. +Corporation defines a robot as "Your Plastic Pal Who's Fun To Be With". The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy defines the marketing division of the -Sirius Cybernetics Corporation as 'a bunch of mindless jerks who'll be the -first against the wall when the revolution comes', with a footnote to effect +Sirius Cybernetics Corporation as "a bunch of mindless jerks who'll be the +first against the wall when the revolution comes", with a footnote to effect that the editors would welcome applications from anyone interested in taking over the post of robotics correspondent. Curiously enough, an edition of the Encyclopaedia Galactica that had the good fortune to fall through a time warp from a thousand years in the future defined the marketing division of the Sirius Cybernetics -Corporation as 'a bunch of mindless jerks who were the first against the -wall when the revolution came'. +Corporation as "a bunch of mindless jerks who were the first against the +wall when the revolution came". % The end move in politics is always to pick up a gun. -- Buckminster Fuller @@ -42230,7 +34520,7 @@ The English instinctively admire any man who has no talent and is modest about it. -- James Agate, British film and drama critic % -The entire work force of the Communist countries is sunjected to periodic +The entire work force of the Communist countries is subjected to periodic purges (called verifications in Newspeak). One of the most severe took place in 1957 when Novotny, rattled by the Hungarian Revolution the year before, tried hard to weed out "radishes" (red outside, white inside) from @@ -42307,9 +34597,6 @@ The fact that hitler was a politcal genius unmasks the nature of politics in general as no other can. -- Wilhelm Reich % -The fact that it works is immaterial. - -- L. Ogborn -% The fact that people are poor or discriminated against doesn't necessarily endow them with any special qualities of justice, nobility, charity or compassion. @@ -42350,7 +34637,7 @@ either a Q-KR5 check or the loss of his queen. -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" % The father, passing through his son's college town late one evening on a -business trip, thought he would pay his boy a suprise visit. Arriving at the +business trip, thought he would pay his boy a surprise visit. Arriving at the lad's fraternity house, dad rapped loudly on the door. After several minutes of knocking, a sleepy voice drifted down from a second-floor window, "Whaddaya want?" @@ -42386,10 +34673,7 @@ The Feynman Problem-Solving Algorithm: (1) write down the problem. (2) think very hard. (3) write down the answer. - -- Murray Gell-Mann -% -The Fifth Rule: - You have taken yourself too seriously. + -- Murray Gell-Mann % The final delusion is the belief that one has lost all delusions. -- Maurice Chapelain, "Main courante" @@ -42409,33 +34693,10 @@ to man are contained in it. -- Abraham Lincoln ... the Bible ... is the one supreme source of revelation of the meaning of -life, the nature of God and spirtual nature and need of men. It is the only +life, the nature of God and spiritual nature and need of men. It is the only guide of life which really leads the spirit in the way of peace and salvation. -- Woodrow Wilson % -The first duty of a revolutionary is to get away with it. - -- Abbie Hoffman -% -The first Great Steward, Parrafin the Climber, was employed in King -Chloroplast's kitchen as second scullery boy when the old King met a tragic -death. He apparently fell backward by accident on a dozen salad forks. -Simultaneously the true heir, his son Carotene, mysteriously fled the city, -complaining of some sort of plot and a lot of threatening notes left on his -breakfast tray. At the time, this looked suspicious what with his father's -death, and Carotene was suspected of foul play. Then the rest of the King's -relatives began to drop dead one after the other in an odd fashion. Some -were found strangled with dishrags and some succumbed to food poisoning. A -few were found drowned in the soup vats, and one was attacked by assailants -unknown and beaten to death with a pot roast. At least three appear to have -thrown themselves backward on salad forks, perhaps in a noble gesture of -grief over the King's untimely end. Finally there was no one left in Minas -Troney who was either eligible or willing to wear the accursed crown, and -the rule of Twodor was up for grabs. The scullery slave Parrafin bravely -accepted the Stewardship of Twodor until that day when a lineal descendant -of Carotene's returns to reclaim his rightful throne, conquer Twodor's -enemies, and revamp the postal system. - -- Bored of the Rings, "Harvard Lampoon" -% The first guy that rats gets a bellyful of slugs in the head. Understand? -- Joey Glimco, trade unionist % @@ -42447,10 +34708,6 @@ The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children. -- Clarence Darrow % -The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents, -and the second half by our children. - -- Clarence Darrow -% The first marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence, and the second the triumph of hope over experience. % @@ -42459,25 +34716,8 @@ The first myth of management is that it exists. The first requisite for immortality is death. -- Stanislaw Lem % -The first riddle I ever heard, one familiar to almost every Jewish child, -was propounded to me by my father: - - "What is it that hangs on the wall, is green, wet -- and whistles?" -I knit my brow and thought and thought, and in final perplexity gave up. - "A herring," said my father. - "A herring," I echoed. "A herring doesn't hang on the wall!" - "So hang it there." - "But a herring isn't green!" I protested. - "Paint it." - "But a herring isn't wet." - "If it's just painted it's still wet." - "But -- " I sputtered, summoning all my outrage, - "a herring doesn't whistle!!" - "Right, " smiled my father. "I just put that in to make it hard." - -- Leo Rosten -% The first Rotarian was the first man to call John the Baptist "Jack." - -- H.L. Mencken + -- H. L. Mencken % The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts. -- Ehrlich @@ -42485,19 +34725,12 @@ The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts. The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts. -- Paul Erlich % -The First Rule of Program Optimization: - Don't do it. - -The Second Rule of Program Optimization (for experts only!): - Don't do it yet. - -- Michael Jackson -% The first thing I do in the morning is brush my teeth and sharpen my tongue. -- Dorothy Parker % The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers. - -- Wm. Shakespeare, "Henry VI", Part IV + -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI", Part IV % The first version always gets thrown away. % @@ -42514,7 +34747,7 @@ The five rules of Socialism: ...the flaw that makes perfection perfect. % The flow chart is a most thoroughly oversold piece of program documentation. - -- Frederick Brooks, "The Mythical Man Month" + -- Frederick Brooks Jr., "The Mythical Man Month" % The flush toilet is the basis of Western civilization. -- Alan Coult @@ -42533,20 +34766,13 @@ The Force is what holds everything together. It has its dark side, and it has its light side. It's sort of like cosmic duct tape. % -The [Ford Foundation] is a large body of money -completely surrounded by people who want some. - -- Dwight MacDonald -% The forest is safe because a lion lives therein and the lion is safe because it lives in a forest. Likewise the friendship of persons rests on mutual help. - -- Laukikanyay. -% -The fortune program is supported, in part, by user contributions -and by a major grant from the National Endowment for the Inanities. + -- Laukikanyay % The founding fathers tried to set up a judicial system where the accused -received a fair trial, not a system to insure an acquittal on technicalities. +received a fair trial, not a system to ensure an acquittal on technicalities. % The founding fathers tried to set up a system where a man got a fair trial, not a system to get let him get off on technicalities. @@ -42559,14 +34785,11 @@ if the character does not have fire resistance. -- README file from the NetHack game % [The French Riviera is] a sunny place for shady people. - -- Somerset Maugham -% -The full impact of parenthood doesn't hit you until you multiply the -number of your kids by thirty-two teeth. + -- W. Somerset Maugham % The full potentialities of human fury cannot be reached until a friend of both parties tactfully interferes. - -- G.K. Chesterton + -- G. K. Chesterton % The function of the expert is not to be more right than other people, but to be wrong for more sophisticated reasons. @@ -42576,7 +34799,7 @@ The future is a myth created by insurance salesmen and high school counselors. % The future is a race between education and catastrophe. - -- H.G. Wells + -- H. G. Wells % The future isn't what it used to be. (It never was.) % @@ -42602,8 +34825,6 @@ And slowly Close her weary eyes. -- Hermann Hesse, "September" % -The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance. -% The genius of our ruling class is that it has kept a majority of the people from ever questioning the inequity of a system where most people drudge along paying heavy taxes for which they get nothing in return. @@ -42611,8 +34832,6 @@ drudge along paying heavy taxes for which they get nothing in return. % The gent who wakes up and finds himself a success hasn't been asleep. % -The gentlemen looked one another over with microscopic carelessness. -% The girl who remembers her first kiss now has a daughter who can't even remember her first husband. % @@ -42626,26 +34845,10 @@ That seemed to be so sweet Don't seem quite so amorous Over Shredded Wheat % -The goal of Computer Science is to build something -that will at least last until we've finished building it. -% -The goal of science is to build better mousetraps. -The goal of nature is to build better mice. -% -The gods gave man fire and he invented fire engines. -They gave him love and he invented marriage. -% The Golden Rule is of no use to you whatever unless you realize it is your move. -- Frank Crane % -The Golden Rule of Arts and Sciences: - He who has the gold makes the rules. -% -The good die young -- because they see it's no use living if you've got -to be good. - -- John Barrymore -% The good (I am convinced, for one) Is but the bad one leaves undone. Once your reputation's done @@ -42655,7 +34858,7 @@ You can live a life of fun. The good life was so elusive It really got me down I had to regain some confidence -So I got into camaflouge +So I got into camouflage % The good time is approaching, The season is at hand. @@ -42690,7 +34893,7 @@ for the Duke of Wellington, and asked his advice. He instantly replied, "But we have always understood that your Grace thought Lord Combermere a fool." "So he is a fool, and a damned fool; but he can take Rangoon." - -- G.W.E. Russell + -- G. W. E. Russell % The goys have proven the following theorem... -- Physicist John von Neumann, at the start of a classroom @@ -42737,7 +34940,7 @@ unimaginable hell. NEW -- SICKENING HORROR to make your STOMACH TURN and FLESH CRAWL! -- Frankenstein's Bloody Terror (1968) -LUST-MAD MEN AND LAWLESS WOMEN IN A VICIOUS AND SENTUOUS ORGY OF +LUST-MAD MEN AND LAWLESS WOMEN IN A VICIOUS AND SENSUOUS ORGY OF SLAUGHTER! -- Five Bloody Graves (1969) @@ -42820,7 +35023,7 @@ Do Native Women Live With Apes? JUNGLE KISS!! When she looked into his eyes, felt his arms around her -- she was no longer Tura, mysterious white goddess of the jungle tribes -- -she was no longer the frozen-harted high priestess under whose hypnotic +she was no longer the frozen-hearted high priestess under whose hypnotic spell the worshippers of the great crocodile god meekly bowed -- she was a girl in love! SEE the ravening charge of the hundred scared CROCODILES! @@ -42837,7 +35040,7 @@ POWERFUL! SHOCKING! RAW! ROUGH! CHALLENGING! SEE A LITTLE GIRL MOLESTED! She Sins in Mobile -- Marries in Houston -- Loses Her Baby in Dallas -- -Leaves Her Husband in Tuscon -- +Leaves Her Husband in Tucson -- MEETS HARRU IN SAN DIEGO!... FIRST -- HARLOW! THEN -- MONROE! @@ -42845,8 +35048,8 @@ NOW -- McCLANAHAN!!! -- The Rotton Apple (1963), Rue McClanahan *NOT FOR SISSIES! DON'T COME IF YOU'RE CHICKEN! -A Horrifying Movie of Wierd Beauties and Shocking Monsters... -1001 WIERDEST SCENES EVER!! MOST SHOCKING THRILLER OF THE CENTURY! +A Horrifying Movie of Weird Beauties and Shocking Monsters... +1001 WEIRDEST SCENES EVER!! MOST SHOCKING THRILLER OF THE CENTURY! -- Teenage Psycho meets Bloody Mary (1964) (Alternate Title: The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed Up Zombies) @@ -42945,7 +35148,7 @@ The nightmare terror of the slithering eye that unleashed agonizing horror on a screaming world! -- The Crawling Eye (1958) -SEE a female colossus... her mountainous torso, scyscraper limbs, +SEE a female colossus... her mountainous torso, skyscraper limbs, giant desires! -- Attack of the Fifty-Foot Woman (1958) @@ -42963,7 +35166,7 @@ SEE Man-Fish Battle Shark-Man-Killer! See Jane Russell in 3-D; She'll Knock Both Your Eyes Out! -- The French Line (1954) -See Jane Russell Shake Her Tamborines... and Drive Cornel WILDE! +See Jane Russell Shake Her Tambourines... and Drive Cornel WILDE! -- Hot Blood (1956) % The Great Movie Posters: @@ -43013,7 +35216,7 @@ The Greatest Mathematical Error July 1962 towards Venus. After 13 minutes' flight a booster engine would give acceleration up to 25,820 mph; after 44 minutes 9,800 solar cells would unfold; after 80 days a computer would calculate the final course -corrections and after 100 days the craft would cirlce the unknown planet, +corrections and after 100 days the craft would circle the unknown planet, scanning the mysterious cloud in which it is bathed. However, with an efficiency that is truly heartening, Mariner I plunged into the Atlantic Ocean only four minutes after takeoff. @@ -43026,7 +35229,7 @@ spokesman said. The greatest of faults is to be conscious of none. % The greatest productive force is human selfishness. - -- Robert Heinlein + -- Robert A. Heinlein % The greatest remedy for anger is delay. % @@ -43037,14 +35240,11 @@ The happiest time in any man's life is just after the first divorce. -- Galbraith % The happiest time of a person's life is after his first divorce. - -- J.K. Galbraith + -- J. K. Galbraith % The hardest part of climbing the ladder of success is getting through the crowd at the bottom. % -The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax. - -- Albert Einstein -% The hardest thing is to disguise your feelings when you put a lot of relatives on the train for home. % @@ -43060,9 +35260,6 @@ The health of a democratic society may be measured by the quality of functions performed by private citizens. -- Alexis de Tocqueville % -The hearing ear is always found close to the speaking tongue, a custom -whereof the memory of man runneth not howsomever to the contrary, nohow. -% The heart has its reasons which reason knows nothing of. -- Blaise Pascal % @@ -43074,17 +35271,11 @@ The heaviest object in the world is the body of the woman you have ceased to love. -- Marquis de Lac de Clapiers Vauvenargues % -The Heineken Uncertainty Principle: - You can never be sure how many beers you had last night. -% "The hell with the prime directive! Let's kill something!" % The help people need most urgently is help in admitting that they need help. % -The herd instinct among economists -makes sheep look like independent thinkers. -% The heroic hours of life do not announce their presence by drum and trumpet, challenging us to be true to ourselves by appeals to the martial spirit that keeps the blood at heat. Some little, unassuming, unobtrusive choice presents @@ -43103,7 +35294,7 @@ Sophistication, otherwise known as the How, Why, and Where phases. For instance, the first phase is characterized by the question "How can we eat?" the second by "Why do we eat?" and the third by "Where shall we have lunch?". - -- Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy + -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" % The history of warfare is similarly subdivided, although here the phases are Retribution, Anticipation, and Diplomacy. Thus: @@ -43129,32 +35320,10 @@ she's already left a note that it's in the refrigerator. % The horror... the horror! % -The human animal differs from the lesser -primates in his passion for lists of "Ten Best". - -- H. Allen Smith -% The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public. -- Sir George Jessel % -The human mind ordinarily operates at only ten percent of -its capacity -- the rest is overhead for the operating system. -% -The human mind treats a new idea the way the -body treats a strange protein: it rejects it. - -- P. Medawar -% -The human race has been fascinated by sharks for as long as I can remember. -Just like the bluebird feeding its young, or the spider struggling to weave -its perfect web, or the buttercup blooming in spring, the shark reveals to -us yet another of the infinite and wonderful facets of nature, namely the -facet that it can bite your head off. This causes us humans to feel a -certain degree of awe. - -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV" -% -The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter. - -- Mark Twain -% The human race never solves any of its problems. It merely outlives them. -- David Gerrold % @@ -43181,16 +35350,13 @@ no sex, no owner, and a message of importance for every housewife. The ideas of economists and political philosophers, both when they are right and when they are wrong, are more powerful than is generally understood. Indeed, the world is ruled by little else. - -- John Maynard Keyes + -- John Maynard Keynes % The idle man does not know what it is to enjoy rest. % The idle mind knows not what it is it wants. -- Quintus Ennius % -The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a little longer. - -- Henry Kissinger -% The Illiterati Programus Canto 1: A program is a lot like a nose: Sometimes it runs, and sometimes it blows. @@ -43203,18 +35369,13 @@ The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf has. -- The Best of Will Rogers % -The individual choice of garnishment of a burger can be an important -point to the consumer in this day when individualism is an increasingly -important thing to people. - -- Donald N. Smith, president of Burger King -% The infliction of cruelty with a good conscience is a delight to moralists. That is why they invented hell. -- Bertrand Russell % The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of blessings; the inherent virtue of socialism is the equal sharing of misery. - -- Churchill + -- Winston Churchill % The instruments of science do not in themselves discover truth. And there are searchings that are not concluded by the coincidence of a @@ -43224,15 +35385,12 @@ pointer and a mark. The introduction of a new kind of music must be shunned as imperiling the whole state, for styles of music are never disturbed without affecting the most important political institutions. ... The new -style, gradually gaining a lodgement, quitely insinuates itself into +style, gradually gaining a lodgement, quietly insinuates itself into manners and customs, and from it ... goes on to attack laws and constitutions, displaying the utmost impudence, until it ends by overturning everything. -- Plato, "Republic", 370 B.C. % -The IQ of the group is the lowest IQ of a member of -the group divided by the number of people in the group. -% The Israelis are the Doberman pinschers of the Middle East. They treat the Arabs like postmen. -- Franklyn Ajaye @@ -43256,7 +35414,7 @@ Yet does he wonder, do you suppose, If, even in gods divine, The best and wisest may not be those Who have wallowed awhile with the swine? - -- R.W. Service + -- R. W. Service % The justifications for drug testing are part of the presently fashionable debate concerning restoring America's "competitiveness." Drugs, it has been @@ -43275,9 +35433,6 @@ drug-using worker is the purest of hypocrisy and the worst of rationalization. Tim Moore, Harvard Journal of Law & Public Policy, vol. 10, No. 3 (Summer 1987), pp. 762-768. % -The Kennedy Constant: - Don't get mad -- get even. -% The key elements in human thinking are not numbers but labels of fuzzy sets. -- L. Zadeh % @@ -43286,8 +35441,6 @@ an artist to the people can be to destroy him. It isn't to anyone's advantage to see the truth. -- Bob Ezrin, rock music producer % -The Killer Ducks are coming!!! -% The kind of danger people most enjoy is the kind they can watch from a safe place. % @@ -43319,21 +35472,9 @@ drinking Iron City Lite, and then I encountered the kosher dill pickle. I realized that there was far more to haute cuisine then I'd ever imagined. And now, just look at me." % -The ladies men admire, I've heard, -Would shudder at a wicked word. -Their candle gives a single light; -They'd rather stay at home at night. -They do not keep awake till three, -Nor read erotic poetry. -They never sanction the impure, -Nor recognize an overture. -They shrink from powders and from paints... -So far, I've had no complaints. - -- Dorothy Parker -% The language of politics is poetry, not prose. Jackson is poetry. Cuomo is poetry. Dukakis is a word processor. - -- Richard M. Nixon, on Meet the Press, April, 1988 + -- Richard Nixon, on Meet the Press, April, 1988 % The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong -- until the next person quits or is fired. @@ -43351,17 +35492,9 @@ The last time I saw him he was walking down Lover's Lane holding his own hand. -- Fred Allen % -The last time somebody said, "I find I can write much better with a word -processor.", I replied, "They used to say the same thing about drugs." - -- Roy Blount, Jr. -% The last vestiges of the old Republic have been swept away. -- Governor Tarkin % -The Law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich, as well as the poor, -to sleep under the bridges, to beg in the streets, and to steal bread. - -- Anatole France -% The Law of Probable Dispersal: That which hits the fan will not be evenly distributed. % @@ -43371,12 +35504,6 @@ The Law of the Letter: The Law of the Perversity of Nature: You cannot determine beforehand which side of the bread to butter. % -The lawgiver, of all beings, most owes the law allegiance. He of all men -should behave as though the law compelled him. But it is the universal -weakness of mankind that what we are given to administer we presently imagine -we own. - -- H.G. Wells -% The Least Perceptive Literary Critic The most important critic in our field of study is Lord Halifax. A most individual judge of poetry, he once invited Alexander Pope round to @@ -43419,7 +35546,7 @@ works of Shakespeare. legibility. Betsy had either burned them or used them as pie bottoms. The remaining three folios are now in the British Museum. The only comparable literary figure was the maid who in 1835 burned -the manuscript of the first volume of Thomas Carlyle's "The Hisory of the +the manuscript of the first volume of Thomas Carlyle's "The History of the French Revolution", thinking it was wastepaper. -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" % @@ -43482,33 +35609,6 @@ The less a statesman amounts to, the more he loves the flag. % The less time planning, the more time programming. % -THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #10 -- SIMPLE - - SIMPLE is an acronym for Sheer Idiot's Monopurpose Programming -Language Environment. This language, developed at the Hanover College -for Technological Misfits, was designed to make it impossible to write -code with errors in it. The statements are, therefore, confined to BEGIN, -END and STOP. No matter how you arrange the statements, you can't make a -syntax error. Programs written in SIMPLE do nothing useful, thus achieving -the results of programs written in other languages without the tedious, -frustrating process of testing and debugging. -% -THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #12 -- LITHP - - This otherwise unremarkable language, originally developed in San -Francisco, is distinguished by the absence of an "S" in its character set; -users must substitute "TH". LITHP is thaid to be utheful in protheththing -lithtth. -% -THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #13 -- SLOBOL - - SLOBOL is best known for the speed, or lack of it, of its compiler. -Although many compilers allow you to take a coffee break while they compile, -SLOBOL compilers allow you to travel to Bolivia to pick the beans. Forty- -three programmers are known to have died of boredom sitting at their terminals -while waiting for a SLOBOL program to compile. Weary SLOBOL programmers -often turn to a related (but infinitely faster) language, COCAINE. -% THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #14 -- VALGOL VALGOL is enjoying a dramatic surge of popularity across the @@ -43541,46 +35641,6 @@ SIT, STAY, HEEL, and ROLL OVER. An innovative feature of DOGO is "puppy graphics", a small cocker spaniel that occasionally leaves a deposit as it travels across the screen. % -THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #17 -- SARTRE - - Named after the late existential philosopher, SARTRE is an extremely -unstructured language. Statements in SARTRE have no purpose; they just are. -Thus SARTRE programs are left to define their own functions. SARTRE -programmers tend to be boring and depressed, and are no fun at parties. -% -THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #18 -- C- - - This language was named for the grade received by its creator when -he submitted it as a class project in a graduate programming class. C- is -best described as a "low-level" programming language. In fact, the language -generally requires more C- statements than machine-code statements to execute -a given task. In this respect, it is very similar to COBOL. -% -THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #18 -- FIFTH - - FIFTH is a precision mathematical language in which the data types -refer to quantity. The data types range from CC, OUNCE, SHOT, and JIGGER to -FIFTH (hence the name of the language), LITER, MAGNUM and BLOTTO. Commands -refer to ingredients such as CHABLIS, CHARDONNAY, CABERNET, GIN, VERMOUTH, -VODKA, SCOTCH, BOURBON, and WHATEVERSAROUND. - The many versions of the FIFTH language reflect the sophistication and -financial status of its users. Commands in the ELITE dialect include VSOP and -LAFITE, while commands in the GUTTER dialect include HOOTCH, THUNDERBIRD, -RIPPLE and HOUSERED. The latter is a favorite of frustrated FORTH programmers -who end up using this language. -% -THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #5 -- LAIDBACK - - LAIDBACK was developed at the (now defunct) Marin County Center for -T'ai Chi, Mellowness and Computer Programming, as an alternative to the more -intense languages of nearby Silicon Valley. - The Center was ideal for programmers who liked to soak in hot tubs -while they worked. Unfortunately, few programmers could survive there long, -since the Center outlawed pizza and RC Cola in favor of bean curd and Perrier. - Many mourn the demise of LAIDBACK because of its reputation as a -gentle and nonthreatening language. For example, LAIDBACK responded to -syntax errors with the message SORRY MAN, I JUST CAN'T DEAL BEHIND THAT. -% The liberals can understand everything but people who don't understand them. -- Lenny Bruce % @@ -43589,10 +35649,6 @@ The life which is unexamined is not worth living. % The light of a hundred stars does not equal the light of the moon. % -The lion and the calf shall lie down -together but the calf won't get much sleep. - -- Woody Allen -% The little girl expects no declaration of tenderness from her doll. She loves it -- and that's all. It is thus that we should love. -- DeGourmont @@ -43622,9 +35678,6 @@ for he seems to be passing a critical judgment on them, when he may be simply making a limiting statement about himself. -- Sidney Harris % -The longer I am out of office, the more infallible I appear to myself. - -- Henry Kissinger -% The longer the title, the less important the job. % The longest part of the journey is said to be the passing of the gate. @@ -43647,15 +35700,15 @@ The louder he talked of his honour, the faster we counted our spoons. The lovely woman-child Kaa was mercilessly chained to the cruel post of the warrior-chief Beast, with his barbarian tribe now stacking wood at her nubile feet, when the strong clear voice of the poetic and heroic -Handsomas roared, 'Flick your Bic, crisp that chick, and you'll feel my -steel through your last meal!' - -- Winning sentence, 1984 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest. +Handsomas roared, "Flick your Bic, crisp that chick, and you'll feel my +steel through your last meal!" + -- Winning sentence, 1984 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest % The luck that is ordained for you will be coveted by others. % The lunatic, the lover, and the poet, Are of imagination all compact... - -- Wm. Shakespeare, "A Midsummer Night's Dream" + -- William Shakespeare, "A Midsummer Night's Dream" % The Macintosh is Xerox technology at its best. % @@ -43667,7 +35720,7 @@ The main problem I have with cats is, they're not dogs. % The major advances in civilization are processes that all but wreck the societies in which they occur. - -- A.N. Whitehead + -- A. N. Whitehead % The major difference between bonds and bond traders is that the bonds will eventually mature. @@ -43677,18 +35730,13 @@ The major sin is the sin of being born. % The majority of husbands remind me of an orangutang trying to play the violin. - -- Honore DeBalzac + -- Honore de Balzac % The majority of the stupid is invincible and guaranteed for all time. The terror of their tyranny, however, is alleviated by their lack of consistency. -- Albert Einstein % -The makers may make, -And the users may use, -But the fixers must fix -With but minimal clues. -% The man she had was kind and clean And well enough for every day, But oh, dear friends, you should have seen @@ -43712,11 +35760,6 @@ that it was by the simple expedient of kneeling down, pursing his lips and sucking the back of an armchair. "I almost choked," he said afterwards. -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" % -The man who follows the crowd will usually get no further than the crowd. -The man who walks alone is likely to find himself in places no one has ever -been. - -- Alan Ashley-Pitt -% The man who has never been flogged has never been taught. -- Menander % @@ -43724,7 +35767,7 @@ The man who laughs has not yet been told the terrible news. -- Bertolt Brecht % The man who raises a fist has run out of ideas. - -- H.G. Wells, "Time After Time" + -- H. G. Wells, "Time After Time" % The man who runs may fight again. -- Menander @@ -43733,10 +35776,6 @@ The man who sees, on New Year's day, Mount Fuji, a hawk, and an eggplant is forever blessed. -- Old Japanese proverb % -The man who sets out to carry a cat by its tail learns something that -will always be useful and which never will grow dim or doubtful. - -- Mark Twain -% The man who understands one woman is qualified to understand pretty well everything. -- Yeats @@ -43775,14 +35814,10 @@ are one, and that one is marxism. % The Martian Canals were clearly the Martian's last ditch effort! % -The marvels of today's modern technology include the development of a -soda can, which, when discarded will last forever -- and a $7,000 car -which, when properly cared for, will rust out in two or three years. -% The mate for beauty should be a man and not a money chest. -- Bulwer % -The mature bohemian is one whose woman works full time. +The mature Bohemian is one whose woman works full time. % The means-and-ends moralists, or non-doers, always end up on their ends without any means. @@ -43795,13 +35830,11 @@ The meek don't want it. % The meek inherit the earth -- usually in small sections... about 6 by 3. % -The meek shall inherit the earth -- they are too weak to refuse. -% The meek shall inherit the earth; but by that time there won't be anything left worth inheriting. % The meek shall inherit the earth, but *not* its mineral rights. - -- J.P. Getty + -- J. P. Getty % The meek shall inherit the earth; the rest of us, the Universe. % @@ -43814,34 +35847,19 @@ The meek will inherit the earth -- if that's OK with you. % The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed. - -- Carl Jung + -- C. G. Jung % [The members of the Chamberlain government] are decided only to be undecided, resolved to be irresolute, adamant for drift, all-powerful for impotency. - -- W. Churchill -% -The men sat sipping their tea in silence. After a while the klutz said, - "Life is like a bowl of sour cream." - "Like a bowl of sour cream?" asked the other. "Why?" - "How should I know? What am I, a philosopher?" + -- Winston Churchill % The minute a man is convinced that he is interesting, he isn't. % The mirror sees the man as beautiful, the mirror loves the man; another mirror sees the man as frightful and hates him; and it is always the same being who produces the impressions. - -- Marquis D.A.F. de Sade -% -The misnaming of fields of study is so common as to lead to what might be -general systems laws. For example, Frank Harary once suggested the law that -any field that had the word "science" in its name was guaranteed thereby -not to be a science. He would cite as examples Military Science, Library -Science, Political Science, Homemaking Science, Social Science, and Computer -Science. Discuss the generality of this law, and possible reasons for its -predictive power. - -- Gerald Weinberg, "An Introduction to General Systems - Thinking" + -- Marquis D. A. F. de Sade % The Modelski Chain Rule: 1: Look intently at the problem for several minutes. Scratch your @@ -43860,19 +35878,14 @@ themselves," the old man said, no longer to me. "But what will become of the bicuspids?" -- The Old Man and his Bridge % -The mome rath isn't born that could outgrabe me. - -- Nicol Williamson -% The moon is made of green cheese. -- John Heywood % -The moon may be smaller than Earth, but it's further away. -% The Moral Majority is neither. % The more complex the mind, the greater the need for the simplicity of play. - -- Captain Kirk, "Shore Leave" + -- Captain James T. Kirk, "Shore Leave" % The more control, the more that requires control. % @@ -43896,10 +35909,6 @@ The more I see of men the more I admire dogs. The more I want to get something done, the less I call it work. -- Richard Bach, "Illusions" % -The more laws and order are made prominent, -the more thieves and robbers there will be. - -- Lao Tsu -% The more pretentious a corporate name, the smaller the organization. (For instance, The Murphy Center for Codification of Human and Organizational Law, contrasted to IBM, GM, AT&T ...) @@ -43913,13 +35922,8 @@ the easier it is to stop up the drain. The more things change, the more they remain the same. -- Alphonse Karr % -The more things change, the more they stay insane. -% The more things change, the more they'll never be the same again. % -The more we disagree, the more chance -there is that at least one of us is right. -% The more you complain, the longer God lets you live. % The more you sweat in peace, the less you bleed in war. @@ -43946,7 +35950,7 @@ of people in the world named Mohammad Chang? % The most costly of all follies is to believe passionately in the palpably not true. It is the chief occupation of mankind. - -- H.L. Mencken + -- H. L. Mencken % The most dangerous food is wedding cake. -- American proverb @@ -43966,7 +35970,7 @@ is trying to convince your parents that you're Haitian. % The most difficult thing in the world is to know how to do a thing and to watch someone else doing it wrong, without commenting. - -- T.H. White + -- T. H. White % The most difficult years of marriage are those following the wedding. % @@ -43974,10 +35978,6 @@ The most disagreeable thing that your worst enemy says to your face does not approach what your best friends say behind your back. -- Alfred De Musset % -The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new -discoveries, is not "Eureka!" (I found it!) but "That's funny ..." - -- Isaac Asimov -% The most exquisite peak in culinary art is conquered when you do right by a ham, for a ham, in the very nature of the process it has undergone since last it walked on its own feet, combines in its flavor the tang of smoky autumnal @@ -43986,7 +35986,7 @@ the wineyness of a late sun, the intimate kiss of fertilizing rain, and the bite of fire. You must slice it thin, almost as thin as this page you hold in your hands. The making of a ham dinner, like the making of a gentleman, starts a long, long time before the event. - -- W.B. Courtney, "Reflections of Maryland Country Ham", + -- W. B. Courtney, "Reflections of Maryland Country Ham", from "Congress Eate It Up" % ...the most exquisitely squalid hells known to middle-class man: @@ -43995,7 +35995,7 @@ freshman English at a Midwestern university. % The most happy marriage I can imagine to myself would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman. - -- Samuel Taylor Coleridge + -- Samuel T. Coleridge % The most hopelessly stupid man is he who is not aware that he is wise. % @@ -44042,7 +36042,7 @@ an ultimatum which demanded that they disband, this would-be successor to the radical student movements of the Sixties promptly voted itself out of existence. As del Borgo and Margaronis put it, "After much chaotic discussion and a confused voice vote, the convention suspended all its other work and -broke into regional groups to discuss 'outreach.'" +broke into regional groups to discuss `outreach.'" -- Libertarian Agenda, May 1988 % The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she @@ -44070,8 +36070,6 @@ The most winning woman I ever knew was hanged for poisoning three little children for their insurance money. -- Sherlock Holmes % -The moving cursor writes, and having written, blinks on. -% The Moving Finger writes; and, having writ, Moves on: nor all they Piety nor Wit Shall lure it back to cancel half a Line, @@ -44093,18 +36091,7 @@ The nearer to the church, the further from God. The net is like a vast sea of lutefisk with tiny dinosaur brains embedded in it here and there. Any given spoonful will likely have an IQ of 1, but occasional spoonfuls may have an IQ more than six times that! - -- James 'Kibo' Parry -% -The net of law is spread so wide, -No sinner from its sweep may hide. -Its meshes are so fine and strong, -They take in every child of wrong. -O wondrous web of mystery! -Big fish alone escape from thee! - -- James Jeffrey Roche -% -The new Congressmen say they're going to turn the government around. -I hope I don't get run over again. + -- James "Kibo" Parry % The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot. @@ -44112,14 +36099,6 @@ doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot. THE NEW RIGHT: A javelin team that elects to receive. % -The New Testament offers the basis for modern computer coding theory, -in the form of an affirmation of the binary number system. - - But let your communication be Yea, yea; nay, nay: - for whatsoever is more than these cometh of evil. - - -- Matthew 5:37 -% The next person to mention spaghetti stacks to me is going to have his head knocked off. -- Bill Conrad @@ -44130,10 +36109,6 @@ The last thing I said was false. The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people. -- Lucille S. Harper % -The nice thing about standards -is that there are so many of them to choose from. - -- Andrew S. Tanenbaum -% The nicest thing about the Alto is that it doesn't run faster at night. % The night passes quickly when you're asleep @@ -44149,11 +36124,7 @@ The notes blatted skyward as the rose over the Canada geese, feathered rumps mooning the day, webbed appendages frantically pedaling unseen bicycles in their search for sustenance, driven by cruel Nature's maxim, 'Ya wanna eat, ya gotta work,' and at last I knew Pittsburgh. - -- Winning sentence, 1987 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest. -% -The notion of a "record" is an obsolete -remnant of the days of the 80-column card. - -- D.M. Ritchie + -- Winning sentence, 1987 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest % The number of computer scientists in a room is inversely proportional to the number of bugs in their code. @@ -44172,24 +36143,10 @@ is read by the people who think they run the country. The National Enquirer is read by the people who think Elvis is alive and running the country. -- Robert Woodhead % -The objective of all dedicated employees should be to thoroughly analyze -all situations, anticipate all problems prior to their occurrence, have -answers for these problems, and move swiftly to solve these problems -when called upon. - However... -When you are up to your ass in alligators it is difficult to remind -yourself your initial objective was to drain the swamp. -% The odds are a million to one against your being one in a million. % The Official Colorado State Vegetable is now the "state legislator". % -The Official MBA Handbook on business cards: - - Avoid overly pretentious job titles such as "Lord of the - Realm, Defender of the Faith, Emperor of India" or "Director - of Corporate Planning." -% The Official MBA Handbook on doing company business on an airplane: Do not work openly on top-secret company cost documents unless @@ -44222,31 +36179,18 @@ to hang up the cue. When he did, all the other cues came crashing go the floor. "Sorry," he said with a smile. - -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. + -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican", 1988. % -The older a man gets, the farther he had to walk to school as a boy. -% -The older I grow, the less important the comma becomes. -Let the reader catch his own breath. - -- Elizabeth Clarkson Zwart -% -The older I grow, the more I distrust the -familiar doctrine that age brings wisdom. - -- H.L. Mencken -% -The one charm of marriage is that it makes a life of deception a neccessity. +The one charm of marriage is that it makes a life of deception a necessity. -- Oscar Wilde % The one day you'd sell your soul for something, souls are a glut. % -The one good thing about repeating your -mistakes is that you know when to cringe. -% The one L lama, he's a priest The two L llama, he's a beast And I will bet my silk pyjama There isn't any three L lllama. - -- O. Nash, to which a fire chief replied that occasionally + -- Ogden Nash, to which a fire chief replied that occasionally his department responded to something like a "three L lllama." % The One Page Principle: @@ -44295,15 +36239,15 @@ swift. Thinking of oneself gives little happiness. If, however, one feels much happiness in this, it is because at bottom one is not thinking of oneself but of one's ideal. This is far, and only the swift shall reach it and are delighted. - -- Nietzsche + -- Friedrich Nietzsche % The only "ism" Hollywood believes in is plagiarism. -- Dorothy Parker % The only justification for our concepts and systems of concepts is that they serve to represent the complex of our experiences; -beyond this they have not legitimacy. - -- Einstein. +beyond this they have no legitimacy. + -- Albert Einstein % The only one of your children who does not grow up and move away is your husband. @@ -44326,13 +36270,6 @@ The only person who always got his work done by Friday was Robinson Crusoe. The only possible interpretation of any research whatever in the "social sciences" is: some do, some don't. % -The only possible interpretation of any research -whatever in the 'social sciences' is: some do, some don't. - -- Ernest Rutherford -% -The only problem with being a man of leisure -is that you can never stop and take a rest. -% The only problem with seeing too much is that it makes you insane. -- Phaedrus % @@ -44377,10 +36314,6 @@ The only thing that stops God from sending a second Flood is that the first one was useless. -- Nicolas Chamfort % -The only thing to do with good advice is pass it on. -It is never any use to oneself. - -- Oscar Wilde -% The only thing we learn from history is that we do not learn. -- Earl Warren @@ -44398,7 +36331,7 @@ this morning. Hegel must have been taking the long view. % The only thing which separates man from child is all the values he has lost over the years. - -- Poul Henningsen [1894-1967] + -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967) % The only time a dog gets complimented is when he doesn't do anything. -- C. Schultz @@ -44410,9 +36343,6 @@ and guilt. The only way to amuse some people is to slip and fall on an icy pavement. % -The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it. - -- Oscar Wilde -% The only way to keep you health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not. -- Mark Twain @@ -44424,19 +36354,10 @@ The onset and the waning of love make themselves felt in the uneasiness experienced at being alone together. -- Jean de la Bruyere % -The opossum is a very sophisticated animal. It doesn't even get up -until 5 or 6 PM. -% -The opossum is a very sophisticated animal. -It doesn't even get up until 5 or 6 pm. -% The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. But the opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth. -- Niels Bohr % -The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth. - -- Bohr -% The opposite of talking isn't listening. The opposite of talking is waiting. -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies" @@ -44450,9 +36371,6 @@ almost gently. The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds; and the pessimist fears this is true. -- James Cabell, "The Silver Stallion" % -The optimum committee has no members. - -- Norman Augustine -% The opulence of the front office door varies inversely with the fundamental solvency of the firm. % @@ -44478,7 +36396,7 @@ dinner. After dinner he sketched two dancers and she was delighted. They went to several nightclubs, drank champagne, danced and had a glorious evening. It had gotten quite late when she motioned for the pencil and drew a picture of a four-poster bed. He was dumbfounded, and to this day has -never be able to understand how she knew he was in the furniture business. +never been able to understand how she knew he was in the furniture business. % The part of the world that people find most puzzling is the part called "Me". % @@ -44490,10 +36408,6 @@ she wanted from her rather dense boyfriend. Finally she asked, "Would you like to see where I was operated on for appendicitis?" "Gosh, no!" he replied. "I hate hospitals." % -The past always looks better than it was. -It's only pleasant because it isn't here. - -- Finley Peter Dunne (Mr. Dooley) -% The people sensible enough to give good advice are usually sensible enough to give none. % @@ -44534,23 +36448,11 @@ become soft. % The philosopher's treatment of a question is like the treatment of an illness. - -- Wittgenstein. + -- Wittgenstein % The Phone Booth Rule: A lone dime always gets the number nearly right. % -The Pig, if I am not mistaken, -Gives us ham and pork and Bacon. -Let others think his heart is big, -I think it stupid of the Pig. -% -The pitcher wound up and he flang the ball at the batter. The batter swang -and missed. The pitcher flang the ball again and this time the batter -connected. He hit a high fly right to the center fielder. The center -fielder was all set to catch the ball, but at the last minute his eyes were -blound by the sun and he dropped it. - -- Dizzy Dean -% The plural of spouse is spice. % The Poems, all three hundred of them, @@ -44583,7 +36485,7 @@ begged that his life be spared. When asked his reason, Sir John replied, worst poet in England." -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" % -The poetry of heroism appeals irresitably to those who don't go to a war, +The poetry of heroism appeals irresistibly to those who don't go to a war, and even more so to those whom the war is making enormously wealthy." -- Celine % @@ -44591,15 +36493,6 @@ The point is, you see, that there is no point in driving yourself mad trying to stop yourself going mad. You might just as well give in and save your sanity for later. % -The polite thing to do has always been to address people as they wish to be -addressed, to treat them in a way they think dignified. But it is equally -important to accept and tolerate different standards of courtesy, not -expecting everyone else to adapt to one's own preferences. Only then can -we hope to restore the insult to its proper social function of expressing -true distaste. - -- Judith Martin, "Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly - Correct Behavior" -% The politician is someone who deals in man's problems of adjustment. To ask a politician to lead us is to ask the tail of a dog to lead the dog. -- Buckminster Fuller @@ -44616,17 +36509,6 @@ prohibited by it to the States, are reserved to the States respectively, or to the people. -- U.S. Constitution, Amendment 10. (Bill of Rights) % -The Preacher, the Politician, the Teacher, - Were each of them once a kiddie. -A child, indeed, is a wonderful creature. - Do I want one? God Forbiddie! - -- Ogden Nash -% -The president publicly apologized today to all those offended by his brother's -remark, "There's more Arabs in this country than there is Jews!". Those -offended include Arabs, Jews, and English teachers. - -- Channel 11 News, Baltimore, on Billy Carter -% The prettiest women are almost always the most boring, and that is why some people feel there is no God. -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" @@ -44634,7 +36516,7 @@ boring, and that is why some people feel there is no God. The price of greatness is responsibility. % The price of success in philosophy is triviality. - -- C. Glymour. + -- C. Glymour % The price one pays for pursuing any profession, or calling, is an intimate knowledge of its ugly side. @@ -44643,23 +36525,6 @@ knowledge of its ugly side. The primary function of the design engineer is to make things difficult for the fabricator and impossible for the serviceman. % -The primary purpose of the DATA statement is to give names to constants; -instead of referring to pi as 3.141592653589793 at every appearance, the -variable PI can be given that value with a DATA statement and used instead -of the longer form of the constant. This also simplifies modifying the -program, should the value of pi change. - -- FORTRAN manual for Xerox Computers -% -The primary theme of SoupCon is communication. The acronym "LEO" -represents the secondary theme: - - Law Enforcement Officials - -The overall theme of SoupCon shall be: - - Avoiding Communication with Law Enforcement Officials - -- M. Gallaher -% The probability of someone watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action. % @@ -44667,10 +36532,6 @@ The problem that we thought was a problem was, indeed, a problem, but not the problem we thought was the problem. -- Mike Smith % -The problem with any unwritten law is that -you don't know where to go to erase it. - -- Glaser and Way -% The problem with graduate students, in general, is that they have to sleep every few days. % @@ -44683,12 +36544,6 @@ The problem with most conspiracy theories is that they seem to believe that for a group of people to behave in a way detrimental to the common good requires intent. % -The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can -be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues. - -- Elizabeth Taylor -% -The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard. -% The problem with this country is that there is no death penalty for incompetence. % @@ -44721,19 +36576,12 @@ horse. % The propriety of some persons seems to consist in having improper thoughts about their neighbours. - -- F.H. Bradley -% -The Psblurtex is an 18-inch long anaconda that hides in the gentlemen's -outfitting departments of Amazonian stores and is often bought by mistake -since its colors are those of the London Reform Club. Once tied around its -victim's neck, it strangles him gently and then claims the insurance before -running off to Germany where it lives in hiding. - -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" + -- F. H. Bradley % The public demands certainties; it must be told definitely and a bit raucously that this is true and that is false. But there are no certainties. - -- H.L. Mencken, "Prejudice" + -- H. L. Mencken, "Prejudice" % The Public is merely a multiplied "me." -- Mark Twain @@ -44746,10 +36594,6 @@ The purpose of Physics 7A is to make the engineers realize that they're not perfect, and to make the rest of the people realize that they're not engineers. % -"The pyramid is opening!" -"Which one?" -"The one with the ever-widening hole in it!" -% The quality of a pun is in the "Oy!" of the beholder. % The Queen is most anxious to enlist every one who can speak or write to @@ -44774,12 +36618,6 @@ The race is not always to the swift, nor the battle to the strong, but that's the way to bet. -- Damon Runyon % -The rain it raineth on the just -And also on the unjust fella: -But chiefly on the just, because -The unjust steals the just's umbrella. - -- Lord Bowen -% The Ranger isn't gonna like it, Yogi. % The rate at which a disease spreads through a corn field is a precise @@ -44790,7 +36628,7 @@ illiterates can read. -- Alberto Moravia % The real man's Bloody Mary: - Ingredients: vodka, tomato juice, Tobasco, Worcestershire + Ingredients: vodka, tomato juice, Tabasco, Worcestershire sauce, A-1 steak sauce, ice, salt, pepper, celery. Fill a large tumbler with vodka. @@ -44809,8 +36647,6 @@ psychologists are trying to do the impossible. % The real trouble with reality is that there's no background music. % -The reason computer chips are so small is computers don't eat much. -% The reason people sweat is so they won't catch fire when making love. -- Don Rose % @@ -44825,15 +36661,15 @@ The reason why worry kills more people than work is that more people worry than work. % The reasons that each of these countries has had to renege on its -financial committments were all somewhat different: Argentina because of +financial commitments were all somewhat different: Argentina because of a war, Poland because of its vast misguided overinvestment in heavy -industry, Honduras because the coffeee price went sour, Zaire because +industry, Honduras because the coffee price went sour, Zaire because nobody in the government there has a clue as to how to run a country. -- Paul Erdman's Money Book % The relative importance of files depends on their cost in terms of the human effort needed to regenerate them. - -- T.A. Dolotta + -- T. A. Dolotta % The requirements of romantic love are difficult to satisfy in the trunk of a Dodge Dart. @@ -44849,22 +36685,14 @@ And thus did the hen reward Beecher. The reverse side also has a reverse side. -- Japanese proverb % -The revolution will not be televised. -% The reward for working hard is more hard work. % -The reward of a thing well done is to have done it. - -- Emerson -% The rich get rich, and the poor get poorer. The haves get more, the have-nots die. % -The right half of the brain controls the left half of the body. -This means that only left handed people are in their right mind. -% The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be taken seriously. - -- Hubert Humphrey + -- Hubert H. Humphrey % The right to be let alone is indeed the beginning of all freedom. -- Justice Douglas @@ -44875,11 +36703,6 @@ infinite wisdom has given control of property interests of the country, and upon the successful management of which so much remains. -- George F. Baer, railroad industrialist % -The rights you have are the rights given you by this Committee [the -House Un-American Activities Committee]. We will determine what rights -you have and what rights you have not got. - -- J. Parnell Thomas -% The ripest fruit falls first. -- William Shakespeare, "Richard II" % @@ -44893,33 +36716,19 @@ The road to ruin is always in good repair, and the travellers pay the expense of it. -- Josh Billings % -The Roman Rule - The one who says it cannot be done should never interrupt the - one who is doing it. -% The root of all superstition is that men observe when a thing hits, but not when it misses. -- Francis Bacon % The rose of yore is but a name, mere names are left to us. % -The Ruffed Pandanga of Borneo and Rotherham spreads out his feathers in -his courtship dance and imitates Winston Churchill and Tommy Cooper on -one leg. The padanga is dying out because the female padanga doesn't -take it too seriously. - -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" -% The rule is, jam to-morrow and jam yesterday, but never jam today. -- Lewis Carroll % -The rule on staying alive as a forecaster is to give 'em a number or -give 'em a date, but never give 'em both at once. - -- Jane Bryant Quinn -% The rules are rather simple to understand: Under democracy you can defend any view, but only defend it. You can not try to realize it through power, violence or weapons. - -- Poul Henningsen [1894-1967] + -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967) % The rules: @@ -44960,17 +36769,10 @@ Cowboy: "Well, you've been a pretty good hoss, I guess. Hardworkin'. Horse: "No, stupid, not feed*back*. I said I wanted a feed*bag*. % -The Schwine-Kitzenger Institute study of 47 men over the age of 100 -showed that all had these things in common: - - 1) They all had moderate appetites. - 2) They all came from middle class homes. - 3) All but two of them were dead. -% The search for the perfect martini is a fraud. The perfect martini is a belt of gin from the bottle; anything else is the decadent trappings of civilization. - -- T.K. + -- T. K. % The second best policy is dishonesty. % @@ -45017,9 +36819,6 @@ The shifts of Fortune test the reliability of friends. % The shortest distance between any two puns is a straight line. % -The shortest distance between two points is under construction. - -- Noelie Altito -% The Shuttle is now going five times the sound of speed. -- Dan Rather, first landing of Columbia % @@ -45027,7 +36826,7 @@ The six great gifts of an Irish girl are beauty, soft voice, sweet speech, wisdom, needlework, and chastity. -- Theodore Roosevelt, 1907 % -The sixth shiek's sixth sheep's sick. +The sixth sheik's sixth sheep's sick. -- [just say that five times...] % The sky is blue so we know where to stop mowing. @@ -45059,17 +36858,12 @@ The so-called "desktop metaphor" of today's workstations is instead an "airplane-seat" metaphor. Anyone who has shuffled a lap full of papers while seated between two portly passengers will recognize the difference -- one can see only a very few things at once. - -- Fred Brooks + -- Frederick Brooks % The so-called lessons of history are for the most part the rationalizations of the victors. History is written by the survivors. -- Max Lerner % -The society which scorns excellence in plumbing as a humble activity and -tolerates shoddiness in philosophy because it is an exalted activity will -have neither good plumbing nor good philosophy... neither its pipes nor -its theories will hold water. -% The soldier came knocking upon the queen's door He said, "I am not fighting for you anymore" The queen knew she had seen his face someplace before @@ -45094,8 +36888,8 @@ The solution to a problem changes the nature of the problem. The somewhat old and crusty vicar was taking a well-earned retirement from his rather old and crusty parish. As is usual in these cases, a locum was sent to cover the transition period. This particular man was young and -active, and had the strange notion that church should also be avtive and -exciting. As a consequence he was more than a little dissapointed with the +active, and had the strange notion that church should also be active and +exciting. As a consequence he was more than a little disappointed with the dull and tradition-bound church. He decided to do something about it. For his first Sunday, he didn't wear the traditional robes and vestments, but lead the service wearing a nice 2-piece suit. The congregation @@ -45111,22 +36905,14 @@ the table as the children gathered around him. Eventually, one timid youngster put up his hand and said, "Please, sir, I know the answer is Jesus, but it sure sounds like a squirrel to me." % -The sooner all the animals are dead, the sooner we'll find their money. - -- Ed Bluestone, The National Lampoon -% -The sooner all the animals are extinct, the sooner we'll find their money. - -- Ed Bluestone -% The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up. % -The soul would have no rainbow had the eyes no tears. -% The sounds of the nouns are mostly unbound. In town a noun might wear a gown, or further down, might dress a clown. A noun that's sound would never clown, but unsound nouns jump up and down. -The sound of a noun could distrub the plowing, +The sound of a noun could disturb the plowing, and then, my dear, you'd be put in the pound. But please don't let that get you down, the renown of your gown is the talk of the town. @@ -45144,7 +36930,7 @@ The spirit of Plato dies hard. We have been unable to escape the philosophical tradition that what we can see and measure in the world is merely the superficial and imperfect representation of an underlying reality. - -- S.J. Gould, "The Mismeasure of Man" + -- S. J. Gould, "The Mismeasure of Man" % The star of riches is shining upon you. % @@ -45161,9 +36947,6 @@ back by years. The state of innocence contains the germs of all future sin. -- Alexandre Arnoux, "Etudes et caprices" % -The steady state of disks is full. - -- Ken Thompson -% The story of the butterfly: "I was in Bogota and waiting for a lady friend. I was in love, a long time ago. I waited three days. I was hungry but could not go @@ -45196,12 +36979,12 @@ The strong give up and move on, while the weak give up and stay. % The strong individual loves the earth so much he lusts for recurrence. He can smile in the face of the most terrible thought: meaningless, aimless -existance recurring eternally. The second characteristic of such a man is +existence recurring eternally. The second characteristic of such a man is that he has the strength to recognise -- and to live with the recognition -- that the world is valueless in itself and that all values are human ones. -He creates himself by fashoning his own values; he has the pride to live +He creates himself by fashioning his own values; he has the pride to live by the values he wills. - -- Nietzsche + -- Friedrich Nietzsche % The sudden sight of me causes panic in the streets. They have yet to learn - only the savage fears what he does not understand. @@ -45213,39 +36996,20 @@ The population is, of course, growing. The sun never sets on those who ride into it. -- RKO % -The sun was shining on the sea, -Shining with all his might: -He did his very best to make -The billows smooth and bright -- -And this was very odd, because it was -The middle of the night. - -- Lewis Carroll -% The sunlights differ, but there is only one darkness. -- Ursula K. LeGuin, "The Dispossessed" % -The superfluous is very necessary. - -- Voltaire -% The superior man understands what is right; the inferior man understands what will sell. -- Confucius % -The superpowers often behave like two heavily armed blind men feeling their -way around a room, each believing himself in mortal peril from the other, -whom he assumes to have perfect vision. Each tends to ascribe to the other -side a consistency, forsight and coherence that its own experience belies. -Of course, even two blind men can do enormous damage to each other, not to -speak of the room. - -- Henry Kissinger -% The Supreme Court does it with all deliberate speed. % The surest sign that a man is in love is when he divorces his wife. % The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently. - -- Nietzsche + -- Friedrich Nietzsche % The surest way to remain a winner is to win once, and then not play any more. @@ -45300,7 +37064,7 @@ it is the gateway to all wizardry. % The technician should never forget that he is an artist, the artist never that he is a technician. - -- Poul Henningsen [1894-1967] + -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967) % The telephone is a good way to talk to people without having to offer them a drink. @@ -45359,12 +37123,7 @@ and causes the most amount of trouble is sex. % The things that interest people most are usually none of their business. % -The Third Law of Photography: - If you did manage to get any good shots, they will be ruined - when someone inadvertently opens the darkroom door and all of - the dark leaks out. -% -The thought of being President fightens me and I do not think I +The thought of being President frightens me and I do not think I want the job. -- Ronald Reagan in 1973 @@ -45431,7 +37190,7 @@ The time is right to make new friends. % The time spent on any item of the agenda [of a finance committee] will be in inverse proportion to the sum involved. - -- C.N. Parkinson + -- C. N. Parkinson % The time was the 19th of May, 1780. The place was Hartford, Connecticut. The day has gone down in New England history as a terrible foretaste of @@ -45462,18 +37221,10 @@ but there has always been a limited number of Human Beings. % The trouble with a lot of self-made men is that they worship their creator. % -The trouble with being poor is that it takes up all your time. -% -The trouble with being punctual is that people -think you have nothing more important to do. -% The trouble with computers is that they do what you tell them, not what you want. -- D. Cohen % -The trouble with doing something right the first -time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was. -% The trouble with eating Italian food is that five or six days later you're hungry again. -- George Miller @@ -45491,10 +37242,6 @@ The trouble with opportunity is that it always comes disguised as hard work. -- Herbert V. Prochnow % -The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing -- -and then marry him. - -- Cher -% The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing -- and then marry him. -- Cher @@ -45528,9 +37275,6 @@ The truth about a man lies first and foremost in what he hides. The truth is rarely pure, and never simple. -- Oscar Wilde % -The truth of a proposition has nothing to do with its credibility. -And vice versa. -% The truth of a thing is the feel of it, not the think of it. -- Stanley Kubrick % @@ -45540,41 +37284,26 @@ The Truth Shall Rape You Over. The truth you speak has no past and no future. It is, and that's all it needs to be. % -The turtle lives 'twixt plated decks -Which practically conceal its sex. -I think it clever of the turtle -In such a fix to be so fertile. - -- O. Nash -% The two most beautiful words in the English language are "Cheque Enclosed." -- Dorothy Parker % -The two most common things in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity. -% -The two most common things in the Universe are hydrogen and stupidity. - -- Harlan Ellison -% The two oldest professions in the world have been ruined by amateurs. - -- G.B. Shaw + -- George Bernard Shaw % The two party system ... is a triumph of the dialectic. It showed that two could be one and one could be two and had probably been fabricated by Hegel for the American market on a subcontract from General Dynamics. - -- I.F. Stone + -- I. F. Stone % The two things that can get you into trouble quicker than anything else are fast women and slow horses. % -The typewriting machine, when played with expression, is no more -annoying than the piano when played by a sister or near relation. - -- Oscar Wilde -% The, uh, snowy mountains are like really cold, eh? And the, um, plains stretch out like my moms girdle, eh? There's lotsa beers and doughnuts for everyone, eh? So the last one to be peaceful and everything is a big idiot, Eh? -So shut yer face up and dry yer mucklucks by the fire, eh? +So shut yer face up and dry yer mukluks by the fire, eh? And dream about girls with their high beams on, eh? They may be cold, but that's okay! Beer's better that way! Eh? @@ -45588,8 +37317,6 @@ where somebody gets killed at the end. The unfacts, did we have them, are too imprecisely few to warrant out certitude. % -The United States Army; 194 years of proud service, unhampered by progress. -% The universe is all a spin-off of the Big Bang. % The universe is an island, @@ -45607,11 +37334,6 @@ It cannot be ruled by interfering. The universe seems neither benign nor hostile, merely indifferent. -- Sagan % -The University of California Bears announced the signing of Reggie -Philbin to a letter of intent to attend Cal next Fall. Philbin is -said to make up for no talent by cheating well. Says Philbin of -his decision to attend Cal, "I'm in it for the free ride." -% The University of California Statistics Department; where mean is normal, and deviation standard. % @@ -45622,13 +37344,6 @@ The urge to gamble is so universal and its practice so pleasurable that I assume it must be evil. -- Heywood Broun % -The USA is so enormous, and so numerous are its schools, colleges and -religious seminaries, many devoted to special religious beliefs ranging -from the unorthodox to the dotty, that we can hardly wonder at its -yielding a more bounteous harvest of gobbledegook than the rest of the -world put together. - -- Sir Peter Medawar -% The use of anthropomorphic terminology when dealing with computing systems is a symptom of professional immaturity. -- Edsger W. Dijkstra @@ -45638,16 +37353,10 @@ regarded as a criminal offence. -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5 % The use of money is all the advantage there is to having money. - -- B. Franklin + -- Benjamin Franklin % The value of a program is proportional to the weight of its output. % -The very powerful and the very stupid have one thing in common. Instead of -altering their views to fit the facts, they alter the facts to fit their -views ... which can be very uncomfortable if you happen to be one of the -facts that needs altering. - -- Doctor Who, "Face of Evil" -% The very remembrance of my former misfortune proves a new one to me. -- Miguel de Cervantes % @@ -45681,14 +37390,10 @@ The wages of sin are unreported. The War on Drugs is just a small part of the War on the United States Constitution. % -The warning message we sent the Russians was a -calculated ambiguity that would be clearly understood. - -- Alexander Haig -% The water was not fit to drink. To make it palatable, we had to add whiskey. By diligent effort, I learned to like it. - -- W. Churchill + -- Winston Churchill % The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks. @@ -45711,11 +37416,6 @@ The way to fight a woman is with your hat. Grab it and run. % The way to love anything is to realize that it might be lost. % -The way to make a small fortune in the -commodities market is to start with a large fortune. -% -The weather is here. Wish you were beautiful. -% The weather is here, I wish you were beautiful. My thoughts aren't too clear, but don't run away. My girlfriend's a bore; my job is too dutiful. @@ -45729,6 +37429,12 @@ The weed of crime bears bitter fruit... but the leaves are good to smoke! -- The Shadow % +The White Rabbit put on his spectacles. + "Where shall I begin, please your Majesty?" he asked. + "Begin at the beginning,", the King said, very gravely, +"and go on till you come to the end: then stop." + -- Lewis Carroll +% The white race is the cancer of history. -- Susan Sontag % @@ -45748,13 +37454,10 @@ The whole world is a scab. The point is to pick it constructively. The whole world is a tuxedo and you are a pair of brown shoes. -- George Gobel % -The whole world is about three drinks behind. - -- Humphrey Bogart -% The wise and intelligent are coming belatedly to realize that alcohol, and not the dog, is man's best friend. Rover is taking a beating -- and he should. - -- W.C. Fields + -- W. C. Fields % The wise man seeks everything in himself; the ignorant man tries to get everything from somebody else. @@ -45788,14 +37491,9 @@ The world is a comedy to those who think, and a tragedy to those who feel. -- Horace Walpole % -The world is coming to an end... SAVE YOUR BUFFERS!! -% -The world is coming to an end! -Repent and return those library books! -% The world is full of people who have never, since childhood, met an open doorway with an open mind. - -- E.B. White + -- E. B. White % The world is moving so fast these days that the man who says it can't be done is generally interrupted by someone doing it. @@ -45818,10 +37516,6 @@ The world wants to be deceived. % The world will end in 5 minutes. Please log out. % -The world's as ugly as sin, -And almost as delightful - -- Frederick Locker-Lampson -% The world's great men have not commonly been great scholars, nor its great scholars great men. -- Oliver Wendell Holmes @@ -45835,7 +37529,7 @@ pen. Whether death was by drowning, by fits or by runaway sleigh, the formula was the same: Have you heard of the dreadful fate - Of Mr. P.P. Bliss and wife? + Of Mr. P. P. Bliss and wife? Of their death I will relate, And also others lost their life (in the) Ashbula Bridge disaster, @@ -45894,7 +37588,7 @@ ash tray." -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" % The worst cliques are those which consist of one man. - -- G.B. Shaw + -- George Bernard Shaw % THE WORST HOMING PIGEON @@ -46011,7 +37705,7 @@ Santos Pais, claimed that the escape was "normal" and part of the % The worst sin towards our fellow creatures is not to hate them, but to be indifferent to them; that's the essence of inhumanity. - -- G.B. Shaw + -- George Bernard Shaw % The worst thing about some men is that when they are not drunk they are sober. @@ -46022,16 +37716,12 @@ wants and not give in to it, to spend years in silent hurt wondering if something could have materialized -- and never knowing. -- David Viscott % -The Wright Bothers weren't the first to fly. +The Wright Brothers weren't the first to fly. They were just the first not to crash. % The yankees, son, are up north. The damnyankees are down here. % -The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of -four and eighteen. At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all -the answers. -% The young Georgia miss came to the hospital for a checkup. "Have you been X-rayed?" asked the doctor. "Nope," she said, "but ah've been ultraviolated." @@ -46067,7 +37757,7 @@ acceptance, and peace. "'Bye for now," she said warmly. Then there was LSD, which was supposed to make you think you could fly. I remember it made you think you couldn't stand up, and mostly it was right. - -- P.J. O'Rourke + -- P. J. O'Rourke % Then there was the Formosan bartender named Taiwan-On. % @@ -46103,7 +37793,7 @@ Proceed by induction: So A = B. Assume that the theorem is true for some value k. Take A and B with - MAX(A, B) = k+1. Then MAX((A-1), (B-1)) = k. And hence + MAX(A, B) = k+1. Then MAX((A-1), (B-1)) = k. And hence (A-1) = (B-1). Consequently, A = B. % Theorem: All programs are dull. @@ -46127,6 +37817,9 @@ Theory of Selective Supervision: The one time in the day that you lean back and relax is the one time the boss walks through the office. % +There ain't no such thing as a free lunch. + -- Milton Friedman +% There appears before you a threatening figure clad all over in heavy black armor. His legs seem like the massive trunk of the oak tree. His broad shoulders and helmeted head loom high over your own puny frame and you @@ -46162,7 +37855,7 @@ than those who cannot endure to be thought so. % There are few virtues that the Poles do not possess -- and there are few mistakes they have ever avoided. - -- W. Churchill, Parliament, August, 1945 + -- Winston Churchill, Parliament, August, 1945 % There are four kinds of homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable, and praiseworthy... @@ -46233,12 +37926,6 @@ ordinary men are forced by circumstances to meet. There are no manifestos like cannon and musketry. -- The Duke of Wellington % -There are no physicists in the hottest parts of hell, because the existence -of a "hottest part" implies a temperature difference, and any marginally -competent physicist would immediately use this to run a heat engine and make -some other part of hell comfortably cool. This is obviously impossible. - -- Richard Davisson -% There are no rules for March. March is spring, sort of, usually, March means maybe, but don't bet on it. % @@ -46253,10 +37940,6 @@ There are only two things in this world that I am sure of, death and taxes, and we just might do something about death one of these days. -- shades % -There are people so addicted to exaggeration -that they can't tell the truth without lying. - -- Josh Billings -% There are people who find it odd to eat four or five Chinese meals in a row; in China, I often remind them, there are a billion or so people who find nothing odd about it. @@ -46284,11 +37967,6 @@ In my life I'll love you more. There are running jobs. Why don't you go chase them? % -There are some micro-organisms that exhibit characteristics of both -plants and animals. When exposed to light they undergo photosynthesis; -and when the lights go out, they turn into animals. But then again, -don't we all. -% There are strange things done in the midnight sun By the men who moil for gold; The Arctic trails have their secret tales @@ -46303,23 +37981,6 @@ There are ten or twenty basic truths, and life is the process of discovering them over and over and over. -- David Nichols % -There are those who claim that magic is like the tide; that it swells and -fades over the surface of the earth, collecting in concentrated pools here -and there, almost disappearing from other spots, leaving them parched for -wonder. There are also those who believe that if you stick your fingers up -your nose and blow, it will increase your intelligence. - -- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Volume VII -% -"There are those who claim that magic is like the tide; that it swells and -fades over the surface of the earth, collecting in concentrated pools here -and there, almost disappearing from other spots, leaving them parched for -wonder. There are also those who believe that if you stick your fingers up -your nose and blow, it will increase your intelligence." - -- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Volume VII -% -There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies and statistics. - -- Benjamin Disraeli -% There are three kinds of people: men, women, and unix. % There are three possibilities: @@ -46327,15 +37988,6 @@ Pioneer's solar panel has turned away from the sun; there's a large meteor blocking transmission; someone loaded Star Trek 3.2 into our video processor. % -There are three possible parts to a date, of which at least two must be -offered: entertainment, food, and affection. It is customary to begin a -series of dates with a great deal of entertainment, a moderate amount of -food, and the merest suggestion of affection. As the amount of affection -increases, the entertainment can be reduced proportionately. When the -affection IS the entertainment, we no longer call it dating. Under no -circumstances can the food be omitted. - -- Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behaviour -% There are three reasons for becoming a writer: the first is that you need the money; the second that you have something to say that you think the world should know; the third is that you can't think what to do with the @@ -46346,16 +37998,6 @@ There are three rules for writing a novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are. -- Maugham % -There are three schools of magic. One: State a tautology, then ring the -changes on its corollaries; that's philosophy. Two: Record many facts. -Try to find a pattern. Then make a wrong guess at the next fact; that's -science. Three: Be aware that you live in a malevolent Universe controlled -by Murphy's Law, sometimes offset by Brewster's Factor; that's engineering. -% -There are three things I always forget. Names, faces -- the third I -can't remember. - -- Italo Svevo -% There are three things I have always loved and never understood -- art, music, and women. % @@ -46363,15 +38005,6 @@ There are three things men can do with women: love them, suffer for them, or turn them into literature. -- Stephen Stills % -There are three ways to get something done: - - 1: Do it yourself. - 2: Hire someone to do it for you. - 3: Forbid your kids to do it. -% -There are three ways to get something done: -do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it. -% There are twenty-five people left in the world, and twenty-seven of them are hamburgers. -- Ed Sanders @@ -46397,15 +38030,11 @@ I have *never* heard them sound better. They are *wailing* up here." "The bad news is that God has this girlfriend that sings..." % There are two kinds of fool. One says, "This is old, and therefore good." -And one says "This is new, and therefore better." - -- John Brunner, "The Shockwave Rider" -% -There are two kinds of fool. One says, "This is old, and therefore good." And one says, "This is new, and therefore better" -- John Brunner, "The Shockwave Rider" % There are two kinds of pedestrians... the quick and the dead. - -- Lord Thomas Rober Dewar + -- Lord Thomas Robert Dewar % There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don't believe this to be a coincidence. @@ -46417,26 +38046,11 @@ like you are going to die and you're afraid that you won't. There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman -- before marriage and after marriage. % -There are two ways of constructing a software design. One way is to make -it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies and the other is to -make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. - -- C.A.R. Hoare -% There are two ways of disliking art. One is to dislike it. The other is to like it rationally. -- Oscar Wilde % -There are two ways of disliking poetry; -one way is to dislike it, the other is to read Pope. - -- Oscar Wilde -% -There are two ways to write error-free -programs; only the third one works. -% -There are very few personal problems that cannot be -solved through a suitable application of high explosives. -% There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman? -- Woody Allen @@ -46448,25 +38062,18 @@ together we'll face the world. -- Andy Stewart, "After the Hush" % There but for the grace of God, goes God. - -- Winston Churchill, speaking of Sir Stafford Cripps. + -- Winston Churchill, speaking of Sir Stafford Cripps % There can be no daily democracy without daily citizenship. -- Ralph Nader % -There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full. - -- Henry Kissinger -% There comes a time in the affairs of a man when he has to take the bull by the tail and face the situation. - -- W.C. Fields + -- W. C. Fields % There comes a time to stop being angry. -- A Small Circle of Friends % -There exist tasks which cannot be done -by more than 10 men or fewer than 100. - -- Steele's Law -% There goes the good time that was had by all. -- Bette Davis, remarking on a passing starlet % @@ -46492,9 +38099,6 @@ was the result of a long debate, spread over several meetings.) There has been a little distress selling on the stock exchange. -- Thomas W. Lamont, October 29, 1929 % -There has been an alarming increase in the -number of things you know nothing about. -% There is a 20% chance of tomorrow. % There is a building with four floors. On the first floor, there @@ -46509,11 +38113,7 @@ A: The elevator would be full. There is a certain frame of mind to which a cemetery is, if not an antidote, at least an alleviation. If you are in a fit of the blues, go nowhere else. - -- Robert Louis Stevenson: Immortelles -% -There is a certain impertinence in allowing oneself to be burned for an -opinion. - -- Anatole France + -- Robert Louis Stevenson, "Immortelles" % There is a fly on your nose. % @@ -46522,11 +38122,6 @@ and labour. As matters stand, their only common interest is that of cutting each other's throat. -- Brooks Atkinson, "Once Around the Sun" % -There is a great discovery still to be made in Literature: -that of paying literary men by the quantity they do NOT write. -% -There is a green, multi-legged creature crawling on your shoulder. -% There is a limit to the admiration we may hold for a man who spends his waking hours poking the contents of chickens with a stick. -- Tom Robbins, "Jitterbug Perfume" @@ -46536,16 +38131,10 @@ wooden toilet seats. It's called the Birch John Society. % -There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly -what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear -and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There -is another theory which states that this has already happened. - -- The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy -% There is a time in the tides of men, Which, taken at its flood, leads on to success. On the other hand, don't count on it. - -- T.K. Lawson + -- T. K. Lawson % There is a vast difference between the savage and civilized man, but it is never apparent to their wives until after breakfast. @@ -46584,9 +38173,6 @@ most wonderful have been, and are being, evolved. There is hardly a thing in the world that some man can not make a little worse and sell a little cheaper. % -There is hopeful symbolism in the fact that flags do not wave in a vacuum. - -- Arthur C. Clarke -% There is in certain living souls A quality of loneliness unspeakable, So great it must be shared @@ -46601,7 +38187,7 @@ Soon or late the laws governing the production of life itself will be discovered in the laboratory, and man may set up business as a creator on his own account. The thing, indeed, is not only conceivable; it is even highly probable. - -- H.L. Mencken, 1930 + -- H. L. Mencken, 1930 % There is is no reason for any individual to have a computer in their home. -- Ken Olsen (President of Digital Equipment Corporation), @@ -46613,17 +38199,17 @@ and we will conquer. Follow me. % There is more simplicity in a man who eats caviar on impulse than in a man who eats Grapenuts on principle. - -- G.K. Chesterton + -- G. K. Chesterton % There is more simplicity in the man who eats caviar on impulse than in the man who eats Grap-Nuts on principle. - -- G.K. Chesterton + -- G. K. Chesterton % There is more to life than increasing its speed. -- Mahatma Gandhi % There is more to life than increasing its speed. - -- Mohandis K. Gandhi + -- Mohandas K. Gandhi % There is much Obi-Wan did not tell you. -- Darth Vader @@ -46638,7 +38224,7 @@ is not capable; for in politics there is no honour. -- Benjamin Disraeli, "Vivian Grey" % There is no bad taste. There is only good taste, and that is bad. - -- Poul Henningsen [1894-1967] + -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967) % There is no better way of exercising the imagination than the study of law. No poet ever interpreted nature as freely as a lawyer interprets truth. @@ -46646,7 +38232,7 @@ No poet ever interpreted nature as freely as a lawyer interprets truth. % There is no better way to exercise the imagination than the study of the law. No artist ever interpreted nature as freely as a lawyer interprets the truth. - -- Jean Giradoux + -- Jean Giraudoux % "There is no choice before us. Either we must Succeed in providing the rational coordination of impulses and guts, or for centuries @@ -46664,16 +38250,13 @@ There is no cure for birth and death other than to enjoy the interval. % There is no delight the equal of dread. As long as it is somebody else's. - --Clive Barker + -- Clive Barker % There is no distinction between any AI program and some existent game. % -There is no distinctly native American criminal class except Congress. - -- Mark Twain -% There is no doubt that my lawyer is honest. For example, when he filed his income tax return last year, he declared half of his salary -as 'unearned income.' +as "unearned income." -- Michael Lara % There is no education that is not political. An apolitical @@ -46702,6 +38285,10 @@ armed men long enough and liked it, never care for anything else thereafter. There is no likelihood man can ever tap the power of the atom. -- Robert Millikan, Nobel Prize in Physics, 1923 % +There is no need to do any housework at all. After the first four years +the dirt doesn't get any worse. + -- Quentin Crisp +% There is no ox so dumb as the orthodox. -- George Francis Gillette % @@ -46715,12 +38302,6 @@ That no longer exists. There is no proverb that is not true. -- Cervantes % -There is no realizable power that man cannot, in time, fashion the tools -to attain, nor any power so secure that the naked ape will not abuse it. -So it is written in the genetic cards -- only physics and war hold him in -check. And also the wife who wants him home by five, of course. - -- Encyclopadia Apocryphia, 1990 ed. -% There is no royal road to geometry. -- Euclid % @@ -46737,8 +38318,6 @@ There is no sincerer love than the love of food. % There is no statute of limitations on stupidity. % -There is no substitute for good manners, except, perhaps, fast reflexes. -% There *is* no such thing as a civil engineer. % There is no such thing as a free lunch. @@ -46756,11 +38335,6 @@ Any attempt to prove otherwise constitutes unacceptable behaviour. There is no such thing as pure pleasure; some anxiety always goes with it. % -There is no time like the pleasant. -% -There is no time like the present -for postponing what you ought to be doing. -% There is not a man in the country that can't make a living for himself and family. But he can't make a living for them *and* his government, too, the way his government is living. What the government has got to do is @@ -46775,7 +38349,7 @@ There is not opinion so absurd that some philosopher will not express it. -- Marcus Tullius Cicero, "Ad familiares" % There is nothing more exhilarating than to be shot at without result. - -- Churchill + -- Winston Churchill % There is nothing more silly than a silly laugh. -- Gaius Valerius Catullus @@ -46790,14 +38364,6 @@ when you do it reluctantly. There is nothing stranger in a strange land than the stranger who comes to visit. % -There is nothing which cannot be answered by means of my doctrine," said -a monk, coming into a teahouse where Nasrudin sat. - "And yet just a short time ago, I was challenged by a scholar with -an unanswerable question," said Nasrudin. - "I could have answered it if I had been there." - "Very well. He asked, 'Why are you breaking into my house in -the middle of the night?'" -% There is nothing wrong with abstinence, in moderation. % There is nothing wrong with writing ... as long as it @@ -46811,15 +38377,11 @@ There is one way to find out if a man is honest -- ask him. If he says "Yes" you know he is crooked. -- Groucho Marx % -There is only one thing in the world worse than being -talked about, and that is not being talked about. - -- Oscar Wilde -% There is only one way to be happy by means of the heart -- to have none. -- Paul Bourget % There is only one way to console a widow. But remember the risk. - -- Robert Heinlein + -- Robert A. Heinlein % There is only one way to kill capitalism -- by taxes, taxes, and more taxes. @@ -46834,11 +38396,7 @@ it would be amusing to know, could we have it authentically communicated. -- James Boswell % There is plenty of time before progress goes too far. - -- Poul Henningsen [1894-1967] -% -There is something fascinating about science. One gets such wholesale -returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact. - -- Mark Twain + -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967) % There is something in the pang of change More than the heart can bear, @@ -46861,7 +38419,7 @@ There must be more to life than having everything. -- Maurice Sendak % There never was a good war or a bad peace. - -- B. Franklin + -- Benjamin Franklin % There once was a king who ruled his country long, wisely, and well. The king had a son whom he hoped would someday rule the land. He also wished @@ -46887,10 +38445,7 @@ that I had promised." The king knew that his son would be a great king. % There seems no plan because it is all plan. - -- C.S. Lewis -% -There was a boy called Eustace Clarence Scrubb, and he almost deserved it." - -- C.S. Lewis, "The Chronicles of Narnia" + -- C. S. Lewis % There was a little girl Who had a little curl @@ -46899,7 +38454,7 @@ When she was good, she was very, very good And when she was bad, she was very, very popular. -- Max Miller, "The Max Miller Blue Book" % -There was a man who enjoyed playing golf, and could occasionallly put up +There was a man who enjoyed playing golf, and could occasionally put up with taking in a round with his wife. One time (with his wife along) he was having an extremely bad round. On the 12th hole, he sliced a drive over by a grounds-keepers' shack. Although he did not have a clear shot @@ -46920,16 +38475,6 @@ to hit through, if he was to open both doors. % There was a phone call for you. % -There was a plane crash over mid-ocean, and only three survivors were -left in the life-raft: the Pope, the President, and Mayor Daley. -Unfortunately, it was a one-man life-raft, and quickly sinking, so -they started debating who should be allowed to stay. The Pope pointed -out that he was the spiritual leader of millions all over the world, -the President explained that if he died then America would be stuck -with the Vice-President, and so forth. Then Mayor Daley said, "Look! -We're not solving anything like this! The only fair thing to do is -to vote on it." So they did, and Mayor Daley won by 97 votes. -% There was a writer in 'Life' magazine ... who claimed that rabbits have no memory, which is one of their defensive mechanisms. If they recalled every close shave they had in the course of just an hour life would become @@ -46955,7 +38500,7 @@ There was a young man from Verdunne. There was an old Indian belief that by making love on the hide of their favorite animal, one could guarantee the health and prosperity of the offspring conceived thereupon. And so it goes that one Indian -couple made love on a buffalo hide. Nine months later, they were +couple made love on a buffalo hide. Nine months later, they were blessed with a healthy baby son. Yet another couple huddled together on the hide of a deer and they too were blessed with a very healthy baby son. But a third couple, whose favorite animal was a hippopotamus, @@ -47015,12 +38560,6 @@ Josh Gibson. Only one thing is keeping them out of the big leagues, the pigmentation of their skin. They happen to be colored. -- Shirley Povich, 1941 % -There's a fine line between courage and foolishness. Too bad it's not -a fence. -% -There's a fine line between courage and foolishness. -Too bad it's not a fence. -% There's a lesson that I need to remember When everything is falling apart In life, just like in loving @@ -47055,7 +38594,7 @@ There's a thrill in store for all for we're about to toast The corporation that we represent. We're here to cheer each pioneer and also proudly boast, Of that man of men our sterling president -The name of T.J. Watson means +The name of T. J. Watson means A courage none can stem And we feel honored to be here to toast the IBM. -- Ever Onward, from the 1940 IBM Songbook @@ -47077,42 +38616,12 @@ along -- quite gracefully. There's a whole WORLD in a mud puddle! -- Doug Clifford % -There's always free cheese in a mouse trap. -% There's always free cheese in a mousetrap. % -There's an old proverb that says just about whatever you want it to. -% -There's been no top authority saying what marijuana does to you. I really -don't know that much about it. I tried it once but it didn't do anything -to me. - -- John Wayne -% -There's been no top authority saying what marijuana does to you. -I really don't know that much about it. I tried it once but it -didn't do anything to me. - -- John Wayne -% There's got to be more to life than compile-and-go. % There's just something I don't like about Virginia; the state. % -There's little in taking or giving, - There's little in water or wine: -This living, this living, this living, - Was never a project of mine. -Oh, hard is the struggle, and sparse is - The gain of the one at the top, -For art is a form of catharsis, - And love is a permanent flop, -And work is the provence of cattle, - And rest's for a clam in a shell, -So I'm thinking of throwing the battle -- - Would you kindly direct me to hell? - -- Dorothy Parker -% -There's no future in time travel. -% There's no heavier burden than a great potential. % There's no justice in this world. @@ -47120,11 +38629,6 @@ There's no justice in this world. New York district attorney Thomas Dewey after Luciano had saved Dewey from assassination by Dutch Schultz (by ordering the assassination of Schultz instead) -% -There's no point in being grown up if you can't be childish sometimes. - -- Dr. Who -% -There's no room in the drug world for amateurs. -- Raoul Duke % There's no saint like a reformed sinner. @@ -47133,9 +38637,6 @@ There's no sense in being precise when you don't even know what you're talking about. -- John von Neumann % -There's no such thing as a free lunch. - -- Milton Friendman -% There's no such thing as an original sin. -- Elvis Costello % @@ -47143,20 +38644,12 @@ There's no such thing as pure pleasure; some anxiety always goes with it. % There's no time like the pleasant. % -There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government -working for you. - -- Will Rodgers -% There's no use being precise about something when you don't even know what you're talking about. -- John von Neumann % There's no use in having a dog and doing your own barking. % -There's nothing in the middle of the road but yellow stripes and dead -armadillos. - -- Jim Hightower, Texas Agricultural Commissioner -% There's nothing like a girl with a plunging neckline to keep a man on his toes. % @@ -47170,7 +38663,7 @@ There's nothing like the face of a kid eating a Hershey bar. % There's nothing remarkable about it. All one has to do is hit the right keys at the right time and the instrument plays itself. - -- J.S. Bach + -- J. S. Bach % There's nothing to writing. All you do is sit at a typewriter and open a vein. @@ -47183,9 +38676,6 @@ There's nothing worse for your business than extra Santa Clauses smoking in the men's room. -- W. Bossert % -There's nothing wrong with teenagers that -reasoning with them won't aggravate. -% There's one consolation about matrimony. When you look around you can always see somebody who did worse. -- Warren H. Goldsmith @@ -47194,17 +38684,9 @@ There's one fool at least in every married couple. % There's only one everything. % -There's only one way to have a happy marriage -and as soon as I learn what it is I'll get married again. - -- Clint Eastwood -% There's small choice in rotten apples. -- William Shakespeare, "The Taming of the Shrew" % -There's so much plastic in this culture that -vinyl leopard skin is becoming an endangered synthetic. - -- Lily Tomlin -% There's so much to say but your eyes keep interrupting me. % There's something different about us -- different from people of Europe, @@ -47224,21 +38706,16 @@ These activities have their own rules and methods of concealment which seek to mislead and obscure. -- Dwight D. Eisenhower, 1960 % -These days the necessities of life cost you about three times what -they used to, and half the time they aren't even fit to drink. -% They also serve who only stand and wait. -- John Milton % -They also surf who only stand on waves. -% They are called computers simply because computation is the only significant job that has so far been given to them. % They are cold-blooded. They are completely ruthless about protecting what they have. The only thing they connect to is the money aspect of life. Let's face it: That's the American way. - -- Jeffery M. Johnson, regional chairman of the District + -- Jeffrey M. Johnson, regional chairman of the District of Columbia United Way, speaking of drug dealers. % They are ill discoverers that think there is no land, @@ -47322,21 +38799,6 @@ They spell it Vinci and pronounce it Vinchy. Foreigners always spell better than they pronounce. -- Mark Twain % -They told me you had proven it When they discovered our results -About a month before. Their hair began to curl -The proof was valid, more or less Instead of understanding it -But rather less than more. We'd run the thing through PRL. - -He sent them word that we would try Don't tell a soul about all this -To pass where they had failed For it must ever be -And after we were done, to them A secret, kept from all the rest -The new proof would be mailed. Between yourself and me. - -My notion was to start again -Ignoring all they'd done -We quickly turned it into code -To see if it would run. -% They told me you had proven it About a month before. The proof was valid, more or less He sent them word that we would try @@ -47373,7 +38835,7 @@ And it was life in the fast lane. -- Eagles, "Life in the Fast Lane" % They will only cause the lower classes to move about needlessly. - -- The Duke of Wellington, on early steam railroads. + -- The Duke of Wellington, on early steam railroads % They wouldn't listen to the fact that I was a genius, The man said "We got all that we can use", @@ -47395,16 +38857,12 @@ wise men and a virgin in the whole organization. -- Mayor Vincent J. `Buddy' Cianci, on the ACLU's suit to have a city nativity scene removed. % -They're only trying to make me LOOK paranoid! -% Thieves respect property; they merely wish the property to become their property that they may more perfectly respect it. - -- G.K. Chesterton, "The Man Who Was Thursday" + -- G. K. Chesterton, "The Man Who Was Thursday" % Things are more like they are today than they ever were before. - -- Dwight Eisenhower -% -Things are more like they used to be than they are new. + -- Dwight D. Eisenhower % Things are not always what they seem. -- Phaedrus @@ -47416,32 +38874,17 @@ Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold. Things past redress and now with me past care. -- William Shakespeare, "Richard II" % -Things will be bright in P.M. -A cop will shine a light in your face. -% Things will get better despite our efforts to improve them. -- Will Rogers % Things worth having are worth cheating for. % -Think big. -Pollute the Mississippi. -% -Think honk if you're a telepath. -% Think lucky. If you fall in a pond, check your pockets for fish. -- Darrell Royal % -Think of it! With VLSI we can pack 100 ENIACs in 1 sq. cm.! -% -Think of your family tonight. -Try to crawl home after the computer crashes. -% Think sideways! -- Ed De Bono % -Think twice before speaking, but don't say "think think click click". -% Thinking you know something is a sure way to blind yourself. -- Frank Herbert, "Chapterhouse: Dune" % @@ -47474,10 +38917,10 @@ This "brain-damaged" epithet is getting sorely overworked. When we can speak of someone or something being flawed, impaired, marred, spoiled; batty, bedlamite, bonkers, buggy, cracked, crazed, cuckoo, daft, demented, deranged, loco, lunatic, mad, maniac, mindless, non compos mentis, nuts, -Reaganite, screwy, teched, unbalanced, unsound, witless, wrong; senseless, -spastic, spasmodic, convulsive; doped, spaced-out, stoned, zonked; {beef, +Reaganite, screwy, teched, unbalanced, unsound, witless, wrong; senseless, +spastic, spasmodic, convulsive; doped, spaced-out, stoned, zonked; {beef, beetle,block,dung,thick}headed, dense, doltish, dull, duncical, numskulled, -pinhead; asinine, fatuous, foolish, silly, simple; brute, lumbering, oafish; +pinhead; asinine, fatuous, foolish, silly, simple; brute, lumbering, oafish; half-assed, incompetent; backward, retarded, imbecilic, moronic; when we have a whole precisely nuanced vocabulary of intellectual abuse to draw upon, individually and in combination, isn't it a little to be @@ -47497,8 +38940,6 @@ random characters, and, given enough time, will undoubtedly come up with something profound. It will, however, take it no time at all to be more profound than THIS program has ever been. % -This fortune intentionally not included. -% This fortune intentionally says nothing. % This fortune is dedicated to your mother, without whose @@ -47506,8 +38947,6 @@ invaluable assistance last night would never have been possible. % This fortune is encrypted -- get your decoder rings ready! % -This fortune is inoperative. Please try another. -% This fortune soaks up 47 times its own weight in excess memory. % This fortune was brought to you by the people at Hewlett-Packard. @@ -47524,9 +38963,6 @@ bags! I just won the California lottery!" "I don't care," responds the husband. "just so long as you're out of the house by dinner!" % -This is a country where people are free to practice their religion, -regardless of race, creed, color, obesity, or number of dangling keys... -% This is a good time to punt work. % This is a test of the emergency broadcast system. @@ -47539,12 +38975,6 @@ and mushroom. Jim, come and get me! This is clearly another case of too many mad scientists, and not enough hunchbacks. % -This is for all ill-treated fellows - Unborn and unbegot, -For them to read when they're in trouble - And I am not. - -- A.E. Housman -% This is Jim Rockford. At the tone leave your name and message; I'll get back to you. % @@ -47555,8 +38985,6 @@ Sorry, Jim, bring it on over. This is Marilyn Reed, I wanta talk to you... Is this a machine? I don't talk to machines! [Click] % -This is National Non-Dairy Creamer Week. -% This is NOT a repeat. % This is not the age of pamphleteers. It is the age of the engineers. The @@ -47573,21 +39001,7 @@ and come alone. I'm serious! % This is the first age that's paid much attention to the future, which is a little ironic since we may not have one. - -- Arthur Clarke -% -This is the first numerical problem I ever did. It demonstrates the -power of computers: - -Enter lots of data on calorie & nutritive content of foods. Instruct the -thing to maximize a function describing nutritive content, with a minimum -level of each component, for fixed caloric content. The results are that -one should eat each day: - - 1/2 chicken - 1 egg - 1 glass of skim milk - 27 heads of lettuce. - -- Rev. Adrian Melott + -- Arthur C. Clarke % This is the sort of English up with which I will not put. -- Winston Churchill @@ -47603,7 +39017,7 @@ This is the way the world ends, This is the way the world ends, This is the way the world ends, Not with a bang but with a whimper. - -- T.S. Eliot, "The Hollow Men" + -- T. S. Eliot, "The Hollow Men" % This isn't right. This isn't even wrong. -- Wolfgang Pauli, on a colleague's paper @@ -47611,7 +39025,7 @@ This isn't right. This isn't even wrong. This isn't true in practice -- what we've missed out is Stradivarius's constant. And then the aside: "For those of you who don't know, that's been called by others the fiddle factor..." - -- From a 1B Electrical Engineering lecture. + -- From a 1B Electrical Engineering lecture % This land is my land, and only my land, I've got a shotgun, and you ain't got one, @@ -47619,15 +39033,9 @@ If you don't get off, I'll blow your head off, This land is private property. -- Apologies to Woody Guthrie % -This life is a test. It is only a test. Had this been an -actual life, you would have received further instructions as -to what to do and where to go. -% This life is yours. Some of it was given to you; the rest, you made yourself. % -This login session: $13.76, but for you $11.88. -% This login session: $13.99 % This must be morning. I never could get the hang of mornings. @@ -47635,10 +39043,6 @@ This must be morning. I never could get the hang of mornings. This night methinks is but the daylight sick. -- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice" % -This novel is not to be tossed lightly aside, but to be hurled with -great force. - -- Dorothy Parker -% This one is for all you military types. For those who don't know, Rangers are *extremely* well trained members of the U.S. Army. Marines are people who start out as normal soldiers and then are made to believe that bullets @@ -47663,14 +39067,6 @@ replies, "Sir, it's a... a trap, sir. They're two of them!" This place just isn't big enough for all of us. We've got to find a way off this planet. % -This planet has -- or rather had -- a problem, which was this: most of -the people living on it were unhappy for pretty much of the time. Many -solutions were suggested for this problem, but most of these were -largely concerned with the movements of small green pieces of paper, -which is odd because on the whole it wasn't the small green pieces of -paper that were unhappy. - -- Douglas Adams -% This process can check if this value is zero, and if it is, it does something child-like. -- Forbes Burkowski, CS, University of Washington @@ -47686,7 +39082,7 @@ or failure to perform. Slippery when wet. For office use only. Substantial penalty for early withdrawal. Do not write below this line. Your cancelled check is your receipt. Avoid contact with skin. Employees and their families are not eligible. Beware of dog. Driver does not carry cash. Limited time -offer, call now to insure prompt delivery. Use only in well-ventilated area. +offer, call now to ensure prompt delivery. Use only in well-ventilated area. Keep away from fire or flame. Some equipment shown is optional. Price does not include taxes, dealer prep, or delivery. Penalty for private use. Call toll free before digging. Some of the trademarks mentioned in this product @@ -47738,8 +39134,6 @@ This was terrible with raisins in it. % This week only, all our fiber-fill jackets are marked down! % -This will be a memorable month -- no matter how hard you try to forget it. -% This yuppie, see, was in a car wreck. His BMW was mangled, and so was he. The paramedic was leaning over him getting his vitals, and all the yup could groan was "My BMW! My BMW!" @@ -47766,37 +39160,24 @@ at are called software. % Those who are mentally and emotionally healthy are those who have learned when to say yes, when to say no and when to say whoopee. - -- W.S. Krabill + -- W. S. Krabill % Those who believe in astrology are living in houses with foundations of Silly Putty. -- Dennis Rawlins % -Those who can, do; those who can't, simulate. -% Those who can, do; those who can't, write. Those who can't write work for the Bell Labs Record. % Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it. -- George Santayana % -Those who can't write, write manuals. -% Those who claim the dead never return to life haven't ever been around here at quitting time. % -Those who do not do politics will be done in by politics. -% -Those who do not understand Unix are condemned to reinvent it, poorly. - -- Henry Spencer -% Those who do things in a noble spirit of self-sacrifice are to be avoided at all costs. - -- N. Alexander. -% -Those who educate children well are more to be honored than -parents, for these only gave life, those the art of living well. - -- Aristotle + -- N. Alexander % Those who have had no share in the good fortunes of the mighty Often have a share in their misfortunes. @@ -47806,22 +39187,11 @@ Those who have some means think that the most important thing in the world is love. The poor know that it is money. -- Gerald Brenan % -Those who in quarrels interpose, must often wipe a bloody nose. -% -Those who make peaceful revolution impossible -will make violent revolution inevitable. - -- John Fitzgerald Kennedy -% -Those who profess to favor freedom, and yet depreciate agitation, are -men who want rain without thunder and lightning. They want the ocean -without the roar of its many waters. - -- Frederick Douglass -% Those who sweat in flames of hell, Leaden eared, some thought their bowels Here's the reason that they fell: Lispeth forth the sweetest vowels. While on earth they prayed in SAS, These they offered up in praise PL/1, or other crass, Thinking all this fetid haze -Vulgar tongue. A rapsody sung. +Vulgar tongue. A rhapsody sung. Some the lord did sorely try Jabber of the mindless horde Assembling all their pleas in hex. Sequel next did mock the lord @@ -47840,8 +39210,6 @@ Those who talk don't know. Those who don't talk, know. Thou hast seen nothing yet. -- Miguel de Cervantes % -Thou shalt not omit adultery. -% Though a program be but three lines long, someday it will have to be maintained. -- The Tao of Programming @@ -47866,13 +39234,6 @@ Make a little birdhouse in your soul % Thrashing is just virtual crashing. % -Three great scientific theories of the structure of the universe are -the molecular, the corpuscular and the atomic. A fourth affirms, with -Haeckel, the condensation or precipitation of matter from ether -- -whose existence is proved by the condensation or precipitation... -A fifth theory is held by idiots, but it is doubtful if they know any -more about the matter than the others. -% Three hours a day will produce as much as a man ought to write. -- Trollope % @@ -47889,12 +39250,12 @@ all appearing on a quiz program, were asked to complete this sentence: service station," said the Missourian. "Wrong." "Old MacDonald had a farm," said the Iowan. - "CORRECT!" shouts the quizmaster. "Now for $100,000, spell 'farm.'" + "CORRECT!" shouts the quizmaster. "Now for $100,000, spell `farm.'" "Easy," said the Iowan. "E-I-E-I-O." % Three minutes' thought would suffice to find this out; but thought is irksome and three minutes is a long time. - -- A.E. Houseman + -- A. E. Housman % Three o'clock in the afternoon is always just a little too late or a little too early for anything you want to do. @@ -47908,7 +39269,7 @@ In the Land of Mordor where the Shadows lie. One Ring to rule them all, One Ring to find them, One Ring to bring them all and in the darkness bind them In the Land of Mordor where the Shadows lie. - -- J.R.R. Tolkien, "The Lord of the Rings" + -- J. R. R. Tolkien, "The Lord of the Rings" % Three rules for sounding like an expert: 1. Oversimplify your explanations to the point of uselessness. @@ -48032,12 +39393,6 @@ Time stays, *we* go. Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils. -- Hector Berlioz % -Time is an illusion; lunch-time doubly so. - -- Ford Prefect -% -Time is an illusion, lunchtime doubly so. - -- The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy -% Time is an illusion perpetrated by the manufacturers of space. % Time is but the stream I go a-fishing in. @@ -48071,7 +39426,7 @@ Time will end all my troubles, but I don't always approve of Time's methods. % Time-sharing is the junk-mail part of the computer business. - -- H.R.J. Grosch (attributed) + -- H. R. J. Grosch (attributed) % timesharing, n: An access method whereby one computer abuses many people. @@ -48122,7 +39477,7 @@ available through stores and is void where prohibited by law. Tis man's perdition to be safe, when for the truth he ought to die. % 'Tis more blessed to give than receive; for example, wedding presents. - -- H.L. Mencken + -- H. L. Mencken % To a Californian, a person must prove himself criminally insane before he is allowed to drive a taxi in New York. For New York cabbies, honesty and @@ -48189,10 +39544,10 @@ weaknesses, vanities, appetites, and aversions -- can be so happy as he can be in the United States. Going further, I lay down the doctrine that it is a sheer physical impossibility for such a man to live in the United States and not be happy. - -- H.L. Mencken, "On Being An American" + -- H. L. Mencken, "On Being An American" % To be is to be related. - -- C.J. Keyser. + -- C. J. Keyser % To be is to do. -- I. Kant @@ -48214,12 +39569,12 @@ to make you like everybody else means to fight the hardest battle any human being can fight and never stop fighting. - -- e.e. cummings + -- e. e. cummings % To be nobody-but-yourself in a world which is doing its best to, night and day, to make you everybody else -- means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting. - -- E.E. Cummings, "A Miscellany" + -- E. E. Cummings, "A Miscellany" % To be or not to be. -- Shakespeare @@ -48242,9 +39597,6 @@ To be successful, a woman has to be much better at her job than a man. To be successful, a woman must do her job ten times as well as a man. Fortunately, this is not difficult. % -To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first -and, whatever you hit, call it the target. -% To be trusted is a greater compliment than to be loved. % To be who one is, is not to be someone else. @@ -48316,10 +39668,8 @@ To err is human, to forgive, infrequent. % To err is human, to forgive is against company policy. % -To err is human, to forgive is not company policy. -% To err is human; to forgive is simply not our policy. - -- MIT Assasination Club + -- MIT Assassination Club % To err is human, to forgive unusual. % @@ -48339,7 +39689,7 @@ To purr feline. % To err is humor. % -To everything there is a season, a time for every pupose under heaven: +To everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven: A time to be born, and a time to die; A time to plant, and a time to pluck what is planted; A time to kill, and a time to heal; @@ -48371,9 +39721,6 @@ To get back on your feet, miss two car payments. To get something clean, one has to get something dirty. To get something dirty, one does not have to get anything clean. % -To get something done, a committee should consist of no more than three -persons, two of them absent. -% To give happiness is to deserve happiness. % To give of yourself, you must first know yourself. @@ -48384,14 +39731,8 @@ To have died once is enough. To hell with the Prime Directive; Let's KILL something! % -To invent, you need a good imagination and a pile of junk. - -- Thomas Edison -% -To iterate is human, to recurse, divine. - -- Robert Heller -% To jaw-jaw is better than to war-war. - -- W. Churchill, on Korean War negotiations + -- Winston Churchill, on Korean War negotiations % To keep your friends treat them kindly; to kill them, treat them often. @@ -48421,11 +39762,11 @@ To many, total abstinence is easier than perfect moderation. TO ME, CLOWNS AREN'T FUNNY. In fact, they're kinda scary. I've wondered where this started, and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus and a clown killed my dad. - -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. + -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican", 1988. % To one large turkey add one gallon of vermouth and a demijohn of Angostura bitters. Shake. - -- F. Scott Fitzgerald, recipe for turkey cocktail. + -- F. Scott Fitzgerald, recipe for turkey cocktail % To our sweethearts and wives. May they never meet. -- 19th century toast @@ -48456,7 +39797,7 @@ There was nothing savage in the act, although the knife was large and keen; it was a piece of art, high art; there was delicacy of touch, clearness of tone, skilful handling of the subject, fine shading. It was the triumph of mind over matter; quite. - -- Dickens, "Martin Chuzzlewit" + -- Charles Dickens, "Martin Chuzzlewit" % To see you is to sympathize. % @@ -48498,28 +39839,18 @@ To think contrary to one's era is heroism. But to speak against it is madness. -- Eugene Ionesco % -To those accustomed to the precise, structured methods of conventional -system development, exploratory development techniques may seem messy, -inelegant, and unsatisfying. But it's a question of congruence: -precision and flexibility may be just as disfunctional in novel, -uncertain situations as sloppiness and vacillation are in familiar, -well-defined ones. Those who admire the massive, rigid bone structures -of dinosaurs should remember that jellyfish still enjoy their very -secure ecological niche. - -- Beau Sheil, "Power Tools for Programmers" -% TO THOSE OF YOU WHO DESIRE IT, I GRANT YOU MADRAK'S BLESSING: Insofar as I may be heard by anything, which may or may not care what I say, I ask, if it matters, that you be forgiven for anything you may have done or failed to do which requires forgiveness. Conversely, if not forgiveness but something else be required -to insure any possible benefit for which you may be eligible after the +to ensure any possible benefit for which you may be eligible after the destruction of your body, I ask that this, whatever it may be, be granted -or withheld, as the case may be, in such a manner as to insure your -receving said benefit. +or withheld, as the case may be, in such a manner as to ensure your +receiving said benefit. I ask this in my capacity as your elected intermediary between -yourself and that which may have an interest in the matter of your receving +yourself and that which may have an interest in the matter of your receiving as much as it is possible for you to receive of this thing, and which may in some way be influenced by this ceremony. Amen. @@ -48552,9 +39883,6 @@ and choose more docile words to take its part. A well-trained sonnet lives to entertain, by making love directly to the brain. % -To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the loyal opposition. - -- Woody Allen -% Tobacco is a filthy weed, That from the devil does proceed; It drains your purse, it burns your clothes, @@ -48567,16 +39895,8 @@ TODAY: Today is a good day for information-gathering. Read someone else's mail file. % -Today is a good day to bribe a high-ranking public official. -% -Today is National Existential Ennui Awareness Day. -% -Today is the first day of the rest of the mess. -% Today is the first day of the rest of your life. % -Today is the first day of the rest of your lossage. -% Today is the last day of your life so far. % Today is what happened to yesterday. @@ -48587,24 +39907,11 @@ boarder. % Today you'll start getting heavy metal radio on your dentures. % -Today's thrilling story has been brought to you by Mushies, the great new -cereal that gets soggy even without milk or cream. Join us soon for more -spectacular adventure starring... Tippy, the Wonder Dog! - -- Bob & Ray -% -Todays weirdness is tomorrows reason why. +Today's weirdness is tomorrow's reason why. -- Hunter S. Thompson % Toddlers are the stormtroopers of the Lord of Entropy. % -toilet toupee, n: - Any shag carpet that causes the lid to become top-heavy, thus - creating endless annoyance to male users. - -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" -% -Tom Hayden is the kind of politician who gives opportunism a bad name. - -- Gore Vidal -% Tomorrow, this will be part of the unchangeable past but fortunately, it can still be changed today. % @@ -48620,8 +39927,6 @@ Tom's hungry, time to eat lunch. Tonight you will pay the wages of sin; Don't forget to leave a tip. % -Tonight's the night: Sleep in a eucalyptus tree. -% Toni's Solution to a Guilt-Free Life: If you have to lie to someone, it's their fault. % @@ -48631,10 +39936,7 @@ driving cabs and cutting hair. % TOO BAD YOU CAN'T BUY a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin real fast and freak everybody out. - -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. -% -Too clever is dumb. - -- Ogden Nash + -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican", 1988. % Too cool to calypso, Too tough to tango, @@ -48657,9 +39959,6 @@ Too much is just enough. % Too much is not enough. % -Too much of a good thing is WONDERFUL. - -- Mae West -% Too often people have come to me and said, "If I had just one wish for anything in all the world, I would wish for more user-defined equations in the HP-51820A Waveform Generator Software." @@ -48683,7 +39982,7 @@ Top Ten Things Overheard At The ANSI C Draft Committee Meetings: 4: How many times do we have to tell you, "No prior art!" 3: Ha, ha, I can't believe they're actually going to adopt this sucker. 2: Thank you for your generous donation, Mr. Wirth. - 1: Gee, I wish we hadn't backed down on 'noalias'. + 1: Gee, I wish we hadn't backed down on "noalias". % Topologists are just plane folks. Pilots are just plane folks. @@ -48722,12 +40021,12 @@ TRANSFER: TRANSPARENT: Being or pertaining to an existing, nontangible object. "It's there, but you can't see it" - -- IBM System/360 announcement, 1964. + -- IBM System/360 announcement, 1964 VIRTUAL: Being or pertaining to a tangible, nonexistent object. "I can see it, but it's not there." - -- Lady Macbeth. + -- Lady Macbeth % TRANSVESTITE: Someone who spends his junior year at college abroad. @@ -48737,8 +40036,6 @@ Trap full -- please empty. TRAVEL: Something that makes you feel like you're getting somewhere. % -Travel important today; Internal Revenue men arrive tomorrow. -% Traveling through hyperspace isn't like dusting crops, boy. -- Han Solo % @@ -48781,9 +40078,6 @@ True to our past we work with an inherited, observed, and accepted vision of personal futility, and of the beauty of the world. -- David Mamet % -Truly great madness can not be achieved without significant intelligence. - -- Henrik Tikkanen -% Truly simple systems... require infinite testing. -- Norman Augustine % @@ -48814,24 +40108,14 @@ Truth is hard to find and harder to obscure. % "Truth is stranger than fiction, because fiction has to make sense." % -Truth is the most valuable thing we have -- so let us economize it. - -- Mark Twain -% Truth never comes into the world but like a bastard, to the ignominy of him that brought her birth. -- Milton % Truth will out this morning. (Which may really mess things up.) % -TRUTHFUL: - Dumb and illiterate. -% try again % -Try not to have a good time ... -This is supposed to be educational. - -- Charles Schulz -% Try not. Do. Or do not. @@ -48841,19 +40125,8 @@ Try `stty 0' -- it works much better. % Try the Moo Shu Pork. It is especially good today. % -Try to be the best of whatever you are, even if what you are is no good. -% Try to divide your time evenly to keep others happy. % -Try to find the real tense of the report you are reading: Was it done, is -it being done, or is something to be done? Reports are now written in four -tenses: past tense, present tense, future tense, and pretense. Watch for -novel uses of CONGRAM (CONtractor GRAMmer), defined by the imperfect past, -the insufficient present, and the absolutely perfect future. - -- Amrom Katz -% -Try to get all of your posthumous medals in advance. -% Try to have as good a life as you can under the circumstances. % Try to relax and enjoy the crisis. @@ -48861,15 +40134,6 @@ Try to relax and enjoy the crisis. % Try to value useful qualities in one who loves you. % -Trying to be happy is like trying to build a machine for which the only -specification is that it should run noiselessly. -% -Trying to be happy is like trying to build a machine for -which the only specification is that it should run noiselessly. -% -Trying to define yourself is like trying to bite your own teeth. - -- Alan Watts -% Trying to get an education here is like trying to take a drink from a fire hose. % @@ -48886,19 +40150,9 @@ Turn on, tune in, and take over. Turn the other cheek. -- Jesus Christ % -Turnaucka's Law: - The attention span of a computer is only as long as its - electrical cord. -% -Tussman's Law: - Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come. -% -TV is chewing gum for the eyes. - -- Frank Lloyd Wright -% 'Twas a woman who drove me to drink, and I never even had the decency to thank her. - -- R.B. Gossling + -- R. B. Gossling % "Twas bergen and the eirie road Did mahwah into patterson: "Beware the Hopatcong, my son! @@ -48977,7 +40231,7 @@ And stood awhile in thought. The Jabberstock, with clothes of tweed, Chip Black! Chip Blue! And through And yuppied great with greed! and through The forecast blade went snicker-snack! "And hast thou slain the Jabberstock? -It bit the dirt, and with its shirt, Come to my firm, V.P.ish boy! +It bit the dirt, and with its shirt, Come to my firm, V.P.ish boy! He went rebounding back. O big bucks day! Moolah! Good Play!" He bought him a Mercedes Toy. 'Twas panic, and the slithy brokers @@ -48986,16 +40240,6 @@ All flimsy were the Dow Jones stokers And mammon's wrath them bash! -- Peter Stucki, "Jabberstocky" % -'Twas midnight, and the UNIX hacks -Did gyre and gimble in their cave -All mimsy was the CS-VAX -And Cory raths outgrave. - -"Beware the software rot, my son! -The faults that bite, the jobs that thrash! -Beware the broken pipe, and shun -The frumious system crash!" -% 'Twas midnight on the ocean, Her children all were orphans, Not a streetcar was in sight, Except one a tiny tot, So I stepped into a cigar store Who had a home across the way @@ -49035,7 +40279,7 @@ Only programmed for battle, it hadn't a heart; It couldn't be tested, and no one could tell, If the crazy contraption would work very well. So after a trillion or two had been spent -The system thought Santa a Red missle sent. +The system thought Santa a Red missile sent. So kids dry your tears now, and get off to bed, There won't be a Christmas -- since Santa is dead. % @@ -49068,9 +40312,6 @@ battleship, change course 20 degrees." We changed course. -- The Naval Institute's "Proceedings" % -Two can Live as Cheaply as One for Half as Long. - -- Howard Kandel -% Two cars in every pot and a chicken in every garage. % Two Finns and a penguin are sitting on the front porch of a large house. The @@ -49121,15 +40362,6 @@ You're lost!" "For three reasons. First, he took a long time to answer, second, he was absolutely correct, and, third, his answer was absolutely useless." % -Two men came before Nasrudin when he was magistrate. The first man said, -"This man has bitten my ear -- I demand compensation." The second man said, -"He bit it himself." Nasrudin withdrew to his chambers, and spent an hour -trying to bite his own ear. He succeeded only in falling over and bruising -his forehead. Returning to the courtroom, Nasrudin pronounced, "Examine -the man whose ear was bitten. If his forehead is bruised, he did it himself -and the case is dismissed. If his forehead is not bruised, the other man -did it and must pay three silver pieces." -% Two men look out through the same bars; one sees mud, and one the stars. % Two men were sitting over coffee, contemplating the nature of things, @@ -49143,8 +40375,6 @@ dry side. % Two peanuts were walking through the New York. One was assaulted. % -Two percent of zero is almost nothing. -% Two rights don't make a wrong, they make an airplane. % Two Russian friends happen to meet in Red Square. One of them says, "By @@ -49192,18 +40422,10 @@ Were thy eyes of fury roll'd? % Type louder, please. % -U: There's a U -- a Unicorn! - Run right up and rub its horn. - Look at all those points you're losing! - UMBER HULKS are so confusing. - -- The Roguelet's ABC -% Udall's Fourth Law: Any change or reform you make is going to have consequences you don't like. % -UFO's are for real: the Air Force doesn't exist. -% Uh-oh -- I've let the cat out of the bag. Let me, then, straightforwardly state the thesis I shall now elaborate: Making variations on a theme is really the crux of creativity. @@ -49222,21 +40444,13 @@ coughing and drops dead. Uncle Cosmo, why do they call this a word processor? It's simple, Skyler. You've seen what food processors do to food, right? % -Uncle Ed's Rule of Thumb: - Never use your thumb for a rule. - You'll either hit it with a hammer or get a splinter in it. -% Under any conditions, anywhere, whatever you are doing, there is some ordinance under which you can be booked. -- Robert D. Sprecht, Rand Corp. % Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under communism, it's just the opposite. - -- J.K. Galbraith -% -Under deadline pressure for the next week. -If you want something, it can wait. -Unless it's blind screaming paroxysmally hedonistic... + -- J. K. Galbraith % Under every stone lurks a politician. -- Aristophanes @@ -49260,9 +40474,6 @@ These be the words that tell the way: Brought down the machine for nearly a day, And Rogue playing to an awful standstill." % -Underlying Principle of Socio-Genetics: - Superiority is recessive. -% understand, v: To reach a point, in your investigation of some subject, at which you cease to examine what is really present, and operate on the @@ -49270,14 +40481,7 @@ understand, v: % Understanding is always the understanding of a smaller problem in relation to a bigger problem. - -- P.D. Ouspensky -% -Unfair animal names: - --- tsetse fly -- bullhead --- booby -- duck-billed platypus --- sapsucker -- Clarence - -- Gary Larson + -- P. D. Ouspensky % UNFAIR COMPETITION: Selling cheaper than we do. @@ -49294,26 +40498,13 @@ Unhappy the land that needs heroes. UNION: A dues-paying club workers wield to strike management. % -United Nations, New York, December 25. The peace and joy of the Christmas -season was marred by a proclamation of a general strike of all the military -forces of the world. Panic reigns in the hearts of all the patriots of -every persuasion. Meanwhile, fears of universal disaster sank to an all-time -low over the world. - -- Isaac Asimov -% -UNIVERSE: - The problem. -% -universe, n: - The problem. -% Universities are places of knowledge. The freshman each bring a little in with them, and the seniors take none away, so knowledge accumulates. % -UNIVERSITY: +University, n.: Like a software house, except the software's free, and it's - usable, and it works, and if it breaks they'll quickly tell - you how to fix it, and... +usable, and it works, and if it breaks they'll quickly tell you how to +fix it, and ... [Okay, okay, I'll leave it in, but I think you're destroying the credibility of the entire fortune program. Ed.] @@ -49328,7 +40519,7 @@ of more feet, just to be sure. -- Eric Allman ... We make rope. - -- Rob Gingell on Sun Microsystem's new virtual memory. + -- Rob Gingell on Sun Microsystems' new virtual memory % Unix is a lot more complicated (than CP/M) of course -- the typical Unix hacker can never remember what the PRINT command is called this week -- @@ -49336,7 +40527,7 @@ but when it gets right down to it, Unix is a glorified video game. People don't do serious work on Unix systems; they send jokes around the world on USENET or write adventure games and research papers. -- E. Post - "Real Programmers Don't Use Pascal", Datamation, 7/83 + "Real Programmers Don't Use Pascal", "Datamation", 7/83 % Unix is a Registered Bell of AT&T Trademark Laboratories. -- Donn Seeley @@ -49356,8 +40547,6 @@ Unix, n: impotent, that now shows a surprising interest in making off with the workstation harem. % -unix soit qui mal y pense -% UNIX was not designed to stop you from doing stupid things, because that would also stop you from doing clever things. -- Doug Gwyn @@ -49377,21 +40566,14 @@ time waste me. -- William Shakespeare % Unless you love someone, nothing else makes any sense. - -- E.E. Cummings -% -Unnamed Law: - If it happens, it must be possible. + -- E. E. Cummings % Unprovided with original learning, unformed in the habits of thinking, unskilled in the arts of composition, I resolved to write a book. -- Edward Gibbon % -Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American now -pays out twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages. - -- H.L. Mencken -% Until Eve arrived, this was a man's world. - -- Richard Amour + -- Richard Armour % UNTOLD WEALTH: What you left out on April 15th. @@ -49401,11 +40583,6 @@ Mother who has raised your son so well; He's seventeen and hackin' on a Macintosh, Flaming spelling errors and raisin' hell... % -Uppers are no longer stylish, methedrine is almost as rare as pure acid -or DMT. "Consciousness Expansion" went out with LBJ and it is worth -noting, historically, that downers came in with Nixon. - -- Dr. Hunter S. Thompson -% Usage: fortune -P [-f] -a [xsz] Q: file [rKe9] -v6[+] file1 ... % Use a pun, go to jail. @@ -49421,9 +40598,6 @@ USENET would be a better laboratory is there were more labor and less oratory. -- Elizabeth Haley % -USER: - A programmer who will believe anything you tell him. -% User hostile. % user, n: @@ -49433,9 +40607,6 @@ user, n: [I always thought "computer professional" was the phrase hackers used when they meant "idiot." Ed.] % -Using TSO is like kicking a dead whale down the beach. - -- S.C. Johnson -% Using [Windows] for any sort of serious work is like playing an old text-based adventure game. You're five feet from making it to your goal, when bup-POW! a ten ton rock falls on your head. Because you @@ -49457,9 +40628,6 @@ VACATION: it takes another 50 weeks of your restrained workaday life-style to recuperate. % -Van Roy's Law: - An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys. -% Van Roy's Law: Honesty is the best policy - there's less competition. @@ -49476,11 +40644,7 @@ Fish are fast moving vegetables. Mushrooms are what grows on vegetables when food's done with them. -- Meat Eater's Credo, according to Jim Williams % -Vegeterians beware! You are what you eat. -% -Velilind's Laws of Experimentation: - 1. If reproducibility may be a problem, conduct the test only once. - 2. If a straight line fit is required, obtain only two data points. +Vegetarians beware! You are what you eat. % Veni, Vidi, VISA: I came, I saw, I did a little shopping. @@ -49488,15 +40652,13 @@ Veni, Vidi, VISA: Verba volant, scripta manent! % Vermouth always makes me brilliant unless it makes me idiotic. - -- E.F. Benson + -- E. F. Benson % Very few people do anything creative after the age of thirty-five. The reason is that very few people do anything creative before the age of thirty-five. -- Joel Hildebrand % -Very few profundities can be expressed in less than 80 characters. -% Very few things actually get manufactured these days, because in an infinitely large Universe, such as the one in which we live, most things one could possibly imagine, and a lot of things one would rather not, grow @@ -49554,9 +40716,6 @@ Violence is a sword that has no handle -- you have to hold the blade. % Violence is molding. % -Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent. - -- Salvador Hardin -% Violence stinks, no matter which end of it you're on. But now and then there's nothing left to do but hit the other person over the head with a frying pan. Sometimes people are just begging for that frypan, and if we @@ -49569,28 +40728,10 @@ VIRGINIA: A group of beautifully mounted hunters galloping behind baying hounds in pursuit of a union organizer. % -VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept 22) - You are the logical type and hate disorder. This nitpicking is -sickening to your friends. You are cold and unemotional and sometimes -fall asleep while making love. Virgos make good bus drivers. -% -VIRGO (Aug.23 - Sept.22) - Learn something new today, like how to spell or how to count - to ten without using your fingers. Be careful dressing this - morning. You may be hit by a car later in the day and you - wouldn't want to be taken to the doctor's office in some of - that old underwear you own. -% Virtue does not always demand a heavy sacrifice -- only the willingness to make it when necessary. -- Frederick Dunn % -Virtue is its own punishment. - -- Denniston - -Righteous people terrify me ... virtue is its own punishment. - -- Aneurin Bevan -% Virtue is not left to stand alone. He who practices it will have neighbors. -- Confucius @@ -49610,7 +40751,7 @@ VMS, n: % VMS version 2.0 ==> % -Voicless it cries, +Voiceless it cries, Wingless flutters, Toothless bites, Mouthless mutters. @@ -49623,7 +40764,7 @@ And earthquakes only terrify the dolts, And to him who's scientific There is nothing that's terrific In the pattern of a flight of thunderbolts! - -- W.S. Gilbert, "The Mikado" + -- W. S. Gilbert, "The Mikado" % Volley Theory: It is better to have lobbed and lost @@ -49636,8 +40777,6 @@ how to solve problems. One time one of his students tried to get more helpful information by asking if there was another way to solve the problem. Von Neumann looked blank for a moment, thought, and then answered, "Yes.". % -Vote anarchist. -% Vote early and vote often. -- Al Capone's slogan for Big Bill Thompson's anti-reform campaign for Mayor of Chicago, 1926. Big Bill won. @@ -49649,18 +40788,9 @@ Wad some power the giftie gie us To see oursels as others see us. -- R. Browning % -Wagner's music is better than it sounds. - -- Mark Twain -% Wait for that wisest of all counselors, Time. -- Pericles % -Waiter: "Tea or coffee, gentlemen?" -1st customer: "I'll have tea." -2nd customer: "Me, too -- and be sure the glass is clean!" - (Waiter exits, returns) -Waiter: "Two teas. Which one asked for the clean glass?" -% Wake up all you citizens, hear your country's call, Not to arms and violence, But peace for one and all. Crush out hate and prejudice, fear and greed and sin, @@ -49708,19 +40838,16 @@ Wanna tell you all a story 'bout a man named Jed, A poor mountaineer, barely kept his family fed. But then one day he was shootin' at some food, When up through the ground come a bubblin' crude -- oil, that is; - black gold; 'Texas tea' ... + black gold; "Texas tea" ... Well the next thing ya know, old Jed's a millionaire. -The kinfolk said, 'Jed, move away from there!' -They said, 'Californy is the place ya oughta be', +The kinfolk said, "Jed, move away from there!" +They said, "Californy is the place ya oughta be", So they loaded up the truck and they moved to Beverly -- Hills, that is; swimmin' pools; movie stars. % War doesn't prove who's right, just who's left. % -War hath no fury like a non-combatant. - -- Charles Edward Montague -% War is an equal opportunity destroyer. % War is delightful to those who have had no experience of it. @@ -49735,12 +40862,6 @@ War is much too serious a matter to be entrusted to the military. War spares not the brave, but the cowardly. -- Anacreon % -WARNING: - Reading this fortune can affect the dimensionality of your - mind, change the curvature of your spine, cause the growth - of hair on your palms, and make a difference in the outcome - of your favorite war. -% WARNING! This system is subject to breakdowns during periods of critical need! A special circuit in the computer called a "critical detector" senses the @@ -49783,9 +40904,6 @@ Washington, D.C. Wasting your money since 1810. % Washington, D.C: Fifty square miles almost completely surrounded by reality. % -Washington [D.C.] is a city of Southern efficiency and Northern charm. - -- John F. Kennedy -% [Washington, D.C.] is the home of... taste for the people -- the big, the bland and the banal. -- Ada Louise Huxtable @@ -49796,10 +40914,6 @@ knowing the value of everything and the Wirth of nothing? Waste not fresh tears over old griefs. -- Euripides % -Waste not, get your budget cut next year. -% -Wasting time is an important part of living. -% Watch all-night Donna Reed reruns until your mind resembles oatmeal. % Watch your mouth, kid, or you'll find yourself floating home. @@ -49811,10 +40925,6 @@ Water, taken in moderation cannot hurt anybody. Watership Down: You've read the book. You've seen the movie. Now eat the stew! % -Watson's Law: - The reliability of machinery is inversely proportional to the - number and significance of any persons watching it. -% WE: The single most important word in the world. % @@ -49824,7 +40934,7 @@ when it's necessary to compromise. % We all declare for liberty, but in using the same word we do not all mean the same thing. - -- A. Lincoln + -- Abraham Lincoln % We all dream of being the darling of everybody's darling. % @@ -49838,11 +40948,6 @@ We all live in a state of ambitious poverty. We all live under the same sky, but we don't all have the same horizon. -- Dr. Konrad Adenauer % -We are all agreed that your theory is crazy. The question which divides us is -whether it is crazy enough to have a chance of being correct. My own feeling -is that it is not crazy enough. - -- Niels Bohr -% We are all born charming, fresh and spontaneous and must be civilized before we are fit to participate in society. -- Judith Martin, "Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly @@ -49855,26 +40960,14 @@ We are all born mad. Some remain so. % We are all dying -- and we're gonna be dead for a long time. % -We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. - -- Oscar Wilde -% We are all so much together and yet we are all dying of loneliness. - -- A. Schweitzer -% -We are all worms. But I do believe I am a glowworm. - -- Winston Churchill + -- Albert Schweitzer % We are anthill men upon an anthill world. -- Ray Bradbury % -We ARE as gods and might as well get good at it. - -- Whole Earth Catalog -% -We are confronted with unsurmountable opportunities. - -- Pogo -% We are drowning in information but starved for knowledge. - -- John Naisbitt, Megatrends + -- John Naisbitt, "Megatrends" % We are each entitled to our own opinion, but no one is entitled to his own facts. @@ -49887,18 +40980,7 @@ We are experiencing system trouble -- do not adjust your terminal. % We are giving instruction to FBI agents in the various Chinese dialects ... to handle present and likely future contingencies. - -- J.Hoover -% -We are going to give a little something, a few little years more, to -socialism, because socialism is defunct. It dies all by itself. The bad -thing is that socialism, being a victim of its ... Did I say socialism? - -- Fidel Castro -% -We are going to give a little something, a few little years more, to -socialism, because socialism is defunct. It dies all by itself. The -bad thing is that socialism, being a victim of its... -Did I say socialism? - -- Fidel Castro + -- J. Hoover % We are going to have peace even if we have to fight for it. -- Dwight D. Eisenhower @@ -49925,7 +41007,7 @@ Manual. We are simple killers of people and destroyers of property. % We are so fond of each other because our ailments are the same. - -- Jonathon Swift + -- Jonathan Swift % We are sorry. We cannot complete your call as dialed. Please check the number and dial again or ask your operator for assistance. @@ -49946,14 +41028,12 @@ to do the unnecessary... for the ungrateful... % We are unavoidably drawn towards conservatism and death. The order is not insignificant. - -- Poul Henningsen [1894-1967] + -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967) % We are what we are. % We are what we pretend to be. - -- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr. -% -We can defeat gravity. The problem is the paperwork involved. + -- Kurt Vonnegut Jr. % We can embody the truth, but we cannot know it. -- Yates @@ -49973,7 +41053,7 @@ We could do that, but it would be wrong, that's for sure. % We could nuke Baghdad into glass, wipe it with Windex, tie fatback on our feet and go skating. - -- Fred Reed, Air Force Times columnist. + -- Fred Reed, Air Force Times columnist % We dedicate this book to our fellow citizens who, for love of truth, take from their own wants by taxes and gifts, and now and then send @@ -49985,8 +41065,6 @@ beautiful Universe, Our home. We don't believe in rheumatism and true love until after the first attack. -- Marie Ebner von Eschenbach % -We don't care. We don't have to. We're the Phone Company. -% We don't care how they do it in New York. % We don't have to protect the environment -- the Second Coming is at hand. @@ -49994,8 +41072,6 @@ We don't have to protect the environment -- the Second Coming is at hand. % We don't know one millionth of one percent about anything. % -We don't know who discovered water, but we're certain it wasn't a fish. -% We don't know who it was that discovered water, but we're pretty sure that it wasn't a fish. -- Marshall McLuhan @@ -50044,7 +41120,7 @@ If it's the last thing we ever do. We have a equal opportunity Calculus class -- it's fully integrated. % We have art that we do not die of the truth. - -- Nietzsche + -- Friedrich Nietzsche % We have ears, earther...FOUR OF THEM! % @@ -50061,9 +41137,6 @@ redundancy of such grotesque dimensions as to defy rational understanding. We have lingered long enough on the shores of the Cosmic Ocean. -- Carl Sagan % -We have met the enemy, and he is us. - -- Walt Kelly -% We have more to fear from the bungling of the incompetent than from the machinations of the wicked. % @@ -50098,7 +41171,7 @@ police would find you. % We interrupt this fortune for an important announcement... % -"We invented a new protocol and called it Kermit, after Kermit the Frog, +We invented a new protocol and called it Kermit, after Kermit the Frog, star of "The Muppet Show." [3] [3] Why? Mostly because there was a Muppets calendar on the wall when we @@ -50118,9 +41191,6 @@ was kindly granted, and now the real story can be told. I resisted the temptation, however, to call the present work "Kermit the Book." -- Frank da Cruz, "Kermit - A File Transfer Protocol" % -We is confronted with insurmountable opportunities. - -- Walt Kelly, "Pogo" -% We know next to nothing about virtually everything. It is not necessary to know the origin of the universe; it is necessary to want to know. Civilization depends not on any particular knowledge, but on the disposition @@ -50169,17 +41239,9 @@ We may eventually come to realize that chastity is no more a virtue than malnutrition. -- Alex Comfort % -We may hope that machines will eventually compete with men in all purely -intellectual fields. But which are the best ones to start with? Many people -think that a very abstract activity, like the playing of chess, would be -best. It can also be maintained that it is best to provide the machine with -the best sense organs that money can buy, and then teach it to understand -and speak English. - -- Alan M. Turing -% We may not be able to persuade Hindus that Jesus and not Vishnu should govern their spiritual horizon, nor Moslems that Lord Buddha is at the center of -their spiritual universe, nor Hebrews that Mohammed is a major prohpet, nor +their spiritual universe, nor Hebrews that Mohammed is a major prophet, nor Christians that Shinto best expresses their spiritual concerns, to say nothing of the fact that we may not be able to get Christians to agree among themselves about their relationship to God. But all will agree on a @@ -50199,9 +41261,6 @@ of jurisprudence, but rather precedents, objections, appeals, stays, filings and forms, motions and counter-motions, all at $250 an hour. -- Nolo News, summer 1989 % -We may not return the affection of those who like us, -but we always respect their good judgement. -% ...we must be wary of granting too much power to natural selection by viewing all basic capacities of our brain as direct adaptations. I do not doubt that natural selection acted in building our oversized @@ -50210,7 +41269,7 @@ an adaptation for definite roles (probably a complex set of interacting functions). But these assumptions do not lead to the notion, often uncritically embraced by strict Darwinians, that all major capacities of the brain must arise as direct products of natural selection. - -- S.J. Gould, "The Mismeasure of Man" + -- S. J. Gould, "The Mismeasure of Man" % We must believe that it is the darkest before the dawn of a beautiful new world. We will see it when we believe it. @@ -50220,8 +41279,8 @@ We must die because we have known them. -- Ptah-hotep, 2000 B.C. % We must finish once and for all with the neutrality of chess. We must -condemn once and for all the formula 'chess for the sake of chess,' like -the formula 'art for art's sake.' We must organize shock-brigades of +condemn once and for all the formula "chess for the sake of chess," like +the formula "art for art's sake." We must organize shock-brigades of chess-play ers, and begin the immediate realization of a Five-Year Plan for chess. -- Nikolai V. Krylenko, People's Commissar for Justice @@ -50240,18 +41299,14 @@ the front is always propaganda and what is said on our side of the front is truth and righteousness, the cause of humanity and a crusade for peace. -- Walter Lippmann % -We must remember the First Amendment which -protects any shrill jackass no matter how self-seeking. - -- F.G. Withington -% We must respect the other fellow's religion, but only in the sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart. - -- H.L. Mencken, "Minority Report" + -- H. L. Mencken, "Minority Report" % We only acknowledge small faults in order to make it appear that we are free from great ones. - -- LaRouchefoucauld + -- La Rochefoucauld % We prefer to believe that the absence of inverted commas guarantees the originality of a thought, whereas it may be merely that the utterer has @@ -50269,15 +41324,12 @@ content with his life, can retire from the world like a satisfied guest. % We read to say that we have read. % -We really don't have any enemies. -It's just that some of our best friends are trying to kill us. -% We secure our friends not by accepting favors but by doing them. -- Thucydides % We seem to have forgotten the simple truth that reason is never perfect. Only non-sense attains perfection. - -- Poul Henningsen [1894-1967] + -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967) % We seldom repent talking too little, but very often talking too much. -- Jean de la Bruyere @@ -50303,7 +41355,7 @@ Each one serves until they screw up, at which point they rotate. -- Dennis Miller % We should keep the Panama Canal. After all, we stole it fair and square. - -- S.I. Hayakawa + -- S. I. Hayakawa % We should realize that a city is better off with bad laws, so long as they remain fixed, then with good laws that are constantly being altered, that @@ -50382,7 +41434,7 @@ borders to interstate commerce, and garbage is a form of interstate commerce. -- Ohio Lt. Governor Paul Leonard % [We] use bad software and bad machines for the wrong things. - -- R.W. Hamming + -- R. W. Hamming % We warn the reader in advance that the proof presented here depends on a clever but highly unmotivated trick. @@ -50408,47 +41460,10 @@ We were so poor we couldn't afford a watchdog. If we heard a noise at night, we'd bark ourselves. -- Crazy Jimmy % -We were young and our happiness dazzled us with its strength. But there was -also a terrible betrayal that lay within me like a Merle Haggard song at a -French restaurant. [...] - I could not tell the girl about the woman of the tollway, of her milk -white BMW and her Jordache smile. There had been a fight. I had punched her -boyfriend, who fought the mechanical bulls. Everyone told him, "You ride the -bull, senor. You do not fight it." But he was lean and tough like a bad -rib-eye and he fought the bull. And then he fought me. And when we finished -there were no winners, just men doing what men must do. [...] - "Stop the car," the girl said. - There was a look of terrible sadness in her eyes. She knew about the -woman of the tollway. I knew not how. I started to speak, but she raised an -arm and spoke with a quiet and peace I will never forget. - "I do not ask for whom's the tollway belle," she said, "the tollway -belle's for thee." - The next morning our youth was a memory, and our happiness was a lie. -Life is like a bad margarita with good tequila, I thought as I poured whiskey -onto my granola and faced a new day. - -- Peter Applebome, International Imitation Hemingway - Competition -% We who revel in nature's diversity and feel instructed by every animal tend to brand Homo sapiens as the greatest catastrophe since the Cretaceous extinction. - -- S.J. Gould -% -We will have solar energy as soon as the utility companies solve -one technical problem -- how to run a sunbeam through a meter. -% -we will invent new lullabies, new songs, new acts of love, -we will cry over things we used to laugh & -our new wisdom will bring tears to eyes of gentle -creatures from other planets who were afraid of us till then & -in the end a summer with wild winds & -new friends will be. -% -We wish you a Hare Krishna -We wish you a Hare Krishna -We wish you a Hare Krishna -And a Sun Myung Moon! - -- Maxwell Smart + -- S. J. Gould % WEAPON: An index of the lack of development of a culture. @@ -50482,24 +41497,6 @@ question, "NOW what's the least popular vegetable?" Law: Once you eliminate your #1 problem, #2 gets a promotion. -- Gerald Weinberg, "The Secrets of Consulting" % -Weinberg's First Law: - Progress is only made on alternate Fridays. -% -Weinberg's Principle: - An expert is a person who avoids the small errors while sweeping - on to the grand fallacy. -% -Weinberg's Second Law: - If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, - then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization. -% -Weiner's Law of Libraries: - There are no answers, only cross references. -% -Welcome thy neighbor into thy fallout shelter. -He'll come in handy if you run out of food. - -- Dean McLaughlin. -% Welcome to boggle - do you want instructions? D G G O @@ -50587,7 +41584,7 @@ Well, they've no idea what money's for -- Ten to one they'll start another war. I've heard a lot of silly things, but, Lor'! Fancy giving money to the Government! - -- A.P. Herbert + -- A. P. Herbert % We'll have solar energy when the power companies develop a sunbeam meter. % @@ -50627,12 +41624,6 @@ Take my advice, take the next flight, And grow some funk, grow your funk at home. -- Elton John, "Grow Some Funk of Your Own" % -Well, I would -- if they realized that we -- again if -- if we led them -back to that stalemate only because our retaliatory power, our seconds, -or strike at them after our first strike, would be so destructive they -they couldn't afford it, that would hold them off. - -- Ronald Reagan, on the MX missile -% Well, if you can't believe what you read in a comic book, what *can* you believe? -- Bullwinkle J. Moose @@ -50670,26 +41661,10 @@ Sitting at a table, dealing stud, Sat that dirty (bleep) that named me Sue. ... Now, I knew that snake was my own sweet Dad, -From a wornout picture that my Mother had, +From a worn-out picture that my Mother had, And I knew that scar on his cheek and his evil eye... -- Johnny Cash, "A Boy Named Sue" % -Well, my terminal's locked up, and I ain't got any Mail, -And I can't recall the last time that my program didn't fail; -I've got stacks in my structs, I've got arrays in my queues, -I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues. - -If you think that it's nice that you get what you C, -Then go : illogical statement with your whole family, -'Cause the Supreme Court ain't the only place with : Bus error views. -I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues. - -On a PDP-11, life should be a breeze, -But with VAXen in the house even magnetic tapes would freeze. -Now you might think that unlike VAXen I'd know who I abuse, -I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues. - -- Core Dumped Blues -% Well, of course it worked. You made the ritual blood sacrifice. If you bleed on a machine while working on it, it will work. Unless it doesn't. In which case, you need someone else to bleed on it as well. @@ -50785,7 +41760,7 @@ We're all in this alone. % We're constantly being bombarded by insulting and humiliating music, which people are making for you the way they make those Wonder Bread products. -Just as food can be bad for your system, music can be bad for your spirtual +Just as food can be bad for your system, music can be bad for your spiritual and emotional feelings. It might taste good or clever, but in the long run, it's not going to do anything for you. -- Bob Dylan, "LA Times", September 5, 1984 @@ -50793,7 +41768,7 @@ it's not going to do anything for you. We're fantastically incredibly sorry for all these extremely unreasonable things we did. I can only plead that my simple, barely-sentient friend and myself are underprivileged, deprived and also college students. - -- Waldo D.R. Dobbs + -- Waldo D. R. Dobbs % We're happy little Vegemites, As bright as bright can be. @@ -50804,7 +41779,7 @@ Were it not for the presence of the unwashed and the half-educated, the formless, queer and incomplete, the unreasonable and absurd, the infinite shapes of the delightful human tadpole, the horizon would not wear so wide a grin. - -- F.M. Colby, "Imaginary Obligations" + -- F. M. Colby, "Imaginary Obligations" % We're Knights of the Round Table We dance whene'er we're able @@ -50823,7 +41798,7 @@ I have to push the pram a lot. -- Monty Python % We're living in a golden age. All you need is gold. - -- D.W. Robertson. + -- D. W. Robertson % We're mortal -- which is to say, we're ignorant, stupid, and sinful -- but those are only handicaps. Our pride is that nevertheless, now and @@ -50840,21 +41815,11 @@ learn to make every act count, since you are going to be here for only a short while, in fact, too short for witnessing all the marvels of it." -- Don Juan % -We're only in it for the volume. - -- Black Sabbath -% Were there no women, men might live like gods. -- Thomas Dekker % Wernher von Braun settled for a V-2 when he coulda had a V-8. % -Westheimer's Discovery: - A couple of months in the laboratory can - frequently save a couple of hours in the library. -% -Wethern's Law: - Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups. -% We've tried each spinning space mote And reckoned its true worth: Take us back again to the homes of men @@ -50878,7 +41843,7 @@ And the cool, green hills of Earth. Wharbat darbid yarbou sarbay? % What!? Me worry? - -- A.E. Neuman + -- A. E. Neuman % What a bonanza! An unknown beginner to be directed by Lubitsch, in a script by Wilder and Brackett, and to play with Paramount's two superstars, Gary @@ -50887,7 +41852,7 @@ Cooper and Claudette Colbert, and to be beaten up by both of them! % What a misfortune to be a woman! And yet, the worst misfortune is not to understand what a misfortune it is. - -- Kierkegaard, 1813-1855. + -- Kierkegaard, 1813-1855 % What a strange game. The only winning move is not to play. -- WOP, "War Games" @@ -50907,8 +41872,6 @@ We are as gods, but know it not. % What causes the mysterious death of everyone? % -What color is a chameleon on a mirror? -% What did ya do with your burder and your cross? Did you carry it yourself or did you cry? You and I know that a burden and a cross, @@ -50938,8 +41901,6 @@ What does education often do? It makes a straight cut ditch of a free meandering brook. -- Henry David Thoreau % -What does it mean if there is no fortune for you? -% What does it take for Americans to do great things; to go to the moon, to win wars, to dig canals linking oceans, to build railroads across a continent? In independent thought about this question, Neil Armstrong and I concluded @@ -50958,7 +41919,7 @@ and their young frontiersmen, will require to lead us onward and upward. -- Dr. Harrison H. Schmidt % What does not destroy me, makes me stronger. - -- Nietzsche + -- Friedrich Nietzsche % What ever happened to happily ever after? % @@ -50972,23 +41933,12 @@ What fools these morals be! What fools these mortals be. -- Lucius Annaeus Seneca % -What garlic is to salad, insanity is to art. -% What goes up must come down. But don't expect it to come down where you can find it. Murphy's Law applied to Newton's. % -What good is a ticket to the good life, -if you can't find the entrance? -% What good is an obscenity trial except to popularize literature? -- Nero Wolfe, "The League of Frightened Men" % -What good is having someone who can walk on water if you don't follow -in his footsteps? -% -What good is having someone who can walk -on water if you don't follow in his footsteps? -% What good is it if you talk in flowers, and they think in pastry? -- Ashleigh Brilliant % @@ -51026,27 +41976,11 @@ broken down into subjects and predicates. This is not because Quality is so mysterious but because Quality is so simple, immediate, and direct. -- R. Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance" % -What I tell you three times is true. - -- Lewis Carroll -% -What I want is all of the power and none of the responsibility. -% -What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? -In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet. - -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" -% -What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? -Or what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists? - -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" -% What if there had been room at the inn? -- Linda Festa on the origins of Christianity % -What is a magician but a practising theorist? - -- Obi-Wan Kenobi -% What is algebra, exactly? Is it one of those three-cornered things? - -- J.M. Barrie + -- J. M. Barrie % What is comedy? Comedy is the art of making people laugh without making them puke. @@ -51076,10 +42010,6 @@ an accomplice. What is love but a second-hand emotion? -- Tina Turner % -What is mind? No matter. -What is matter? Never mind. - -- Thomas Hewitt Key, 1799-1875 -% What is now proved was once only imagin'd. -- William Blake % @@ -51101,13 +42031,6 @@ Uh, that still ain't right... and the phone rings. The President picks it up, listens for a minute, and hands it to you, saying, "It's for you." % -What is the difference between a Turing machine and the modern computer? -It's the same as that between Hillary's ascent of Everest and the -establishment of a Hilton on its peak. -% -What is the robbing of a bank compared to the founding of a bank? - -- Bertold Brecht -% What is the sound of one hand clapping? % What is this line of duty, and suffering? You are not supposed to suffer @@ -51134,9 +42057,6 @@ What kind of sordid business are you on now? I mean, man, whither goest thou? Whither goest thou, America, in thy shiny car in the night? -- Jack Kerouac % -What makes the Universe so hard to comprehend -is that there's nothing to compare it with. -% What makes us so bitter against people who outwit us is that they think themselves cleverer than we are. % @@ -51155,13 +42075,13 @@ A man can be happy with any woman so long as he doesn't love her. % What on earth would a man do with himself if something did not stand in his way? - -- H.G. Wells + -- H. G. Wells % What one believes to be true either is true or becomes true. -- John Lilly % What one fool can do, another can. - -- Ancient Simian Proverb + -- Ancient Simian proverb % What orators lack in depth they make up in length. % @@ -51183,15 +42103,6 @@ more than man's transparency. What passes for woman's intuition is often nothing more than man's transparency. % -What publishers are looking for these days isn't radical feminism. -It's corporate feminism -- a brand of feminism designed to sell books -and magazines, three-piece suits, airline tickets, Scotch, cigarettes -and, most important, corporate America's message, which runs: Yes, -women were discriminated against in the past, but that unfortunate -mistake has been remedied; now every woman can attain wealth, prestige -and power by dint of individual rather than collective effort. - -- Susan Gordon -% What really shapes and conditions and makes us is somebody only a few of us ever have the courage to face: and that is the child you once were, long before formal education ever got its claws into you -- that @@ -51204,11 +42115,8 @@ discovery in life, because they are trying to achieve what lay beyond their grasp before they were five years old. -- Robertson Davies, "The Rebel Angels" % -What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy? - -- U.K. LeGuin -% What scoundrel stole the cork from my lunch? - -- J.D. Farley + -- J. D. Farley % What segment's this, that, laid to rest On FHA0, is sleeping? @@ -51252,8 +42160,6 @@ What the hell is it good for? Division of IBM), to colleagues who insisted that the microprocessor was the wave of the future, c. 1968 % -What the large print giveth, the small print taketh away. -% What the scientists have in their briefcases is terrifying. -- Nikita Khruschev % @@ -51273,7 +42179,7 @@ a long way with his skills." (We hoped he'd go as far as possible.) "You won't find many people like her." (In fact, most people can't stand being around her.) -"I cannot reccommend him too highly." +"I cannot recommend him too highly." (However, to the best of my knowledge, he has never committed a felony in my presence.) % @@ -51320,7 +42226,7 @@ What they say: What they mean: A major technological breakthrough... Back to the drawing board. Developed after years of research Discovered by pure accident. Project behind original schedule due We're working on something else. - to unforseen difficulties + to unforeseen difficulties Designs are within allowable limits We made it, stretching a point or two. Customer satisfaction is believed So far behind schedule that they'll be assured grateful for anything at all. @@ -51358,22 +42264,12 @@ Meets Tough Quality Standards It compiles without errors. Satisfaction Guaranteed We'll send you another pack if it fails. Stock Item We shipped it before and can do it again. % -What this country needs is a dime that will buy a good five-cent bagel. -% -What this country needs is a good 5 dollar plasma weapon. -% -What this country needs is a good five cent ANYTHING! -% -What this country needs is a good five cent microcomputer. -% -What this country needs is a good five-cent nickel. -% What time is it? I don't know, it keeps changing. % What upsets me is not that you lied to me, but that from now on I can no longer believe you. - -- Nietzsche + -- Friedrich Nietzsche % What we Are is God's give to us. What we Become is our gift to God. @@ -51416,14 +42312,6 @@ something to occur to you. [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when referring to AST's.] % -Whatever became of eternal truth? -% -Whatever became of Strange de Jim? Well, he found a substitute for -cocaine: "You cover Q-tips with sandpaper and ram them up your -nostrils as far as they will go. Then you sniff talcum powder while -shredding hundred dollar bills." - -- Herb Caen -% Whatever doesn't succeed in two months and a half in California will never succeed. -- Rev. Henry Durant, founder of the University of California @@ -51451,11 +42339,7 @@ as good. Luckily this is not difficult. % Whatever you do will be insignificant, but it is very important that you do it. - -- Ghandi -% -Whatever you do will be insignificant, -but it is very important that you do it. - -- Gandhi + -- Mahatma Gandhi % Whatever you may be sure of, be sure of this: that you are dreadfully like other people. @@ -51468,9 +42352,6 @@ What's a cult? It just means not enough people to make a minority. % What's all this bru-ha-ha? % -What's another word for "thesaurus"? - -- Steven Wright -% What's done to children, they will do to society. % What's page one, a preemptive strike? @@ -51492,18 +42373,10 @@ But I think it's your mind. What's this stuff about people being "released on their own recognizance"? Aren't we all out on own recognizance? % -When a Banker jumps out of a window, -jump after him -- that's where the money is. - -- Robespierre -% When a camel flies, no one laughs if it doesn't get very far! % When a cow laughs, does milk come out of its nose? % -When a fellow says, "It ain't the money but -the principle of the thing," it's the money. - -- Kim Hubbard -% When a girl can read the handwriting on the wall, she may be in the wrong rest room. % @@ -51511,13 +42384,9 @@ When a girl marries she exchanges the attentions of many men for the inattentions of one. -- Helen Rowland % -When a girl marries, she exchanges the attentions -of many men for the inattentions of one. - Helen Rowland -% When a lion meets another with a louder roar, the first lion thinks the last a bore. - -- G.B. Shaw + -- George Bernard Shaw % When a lot of remedies are suggested for a disease, that means it can't be cured. @@ -51551,16 +42420,6 @@ liar who has broken his promises. % When a person goes on a diet, the first thing he loses is his temper. % -When a place gets crowded enough to require ID's, social collapse is not -far away. It is time to go elsewhere. The best thing about space travel -is that it made it possible to go elsewhere. - -- R.A. Heinlein, "Time Enough For Love" -% -When a shepherd goes to kill a wolf, and takes his dog along to see -the sport, he should take care to avoid mistakes. The dog has certain -relationships to the wolf the shepherd may have forgotten. - -- Robert Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance" -% When a woman gives me a present I have always two surprises: first is the present, and afterward, having to pay for it. -- Donnay @@ -51582,7 +42441,7 @@ poor. In that lawsuit, you will lose. If, on the other hand, you kill him, the most that you can expect is that a relative will bring a wrongful death action. You will have two advantages: first, there be only your story; forget Mother Teresa. Second, even if you lose, how much could -the bum's life be worth anyway? A Lot less than 50 years worth of +the bum's life be worth anyway? A lot less than 50 years worth of paralysis. Don't play George Bush and Saddam Hussein. Finish the job. -- G. Gordon Liddy's Forbes column on personal security % @@ -51602,8 +42461,6 @@ When all else fails, read the instructions. % When all else fails, try Kate Smith. % -When all other means of communication fail, try words. -% When among apes, one must play the ape. % When angry, count four; when very angry, swear. @@ -51613,7 +42470,7 @@ When arguments fail, use a blackjack. -- Ed "Spike" O'Donnell % When arguments fail, use a blackjack. - -- Edward "Spike" O'Donnell, Al Capone associate. + -- Edward "Spike" O'Donnell, Al Capone associate % When asked the definition of "pi": The Mathematician: @@ -51654,18 +42511,12 @@ When Dexter's on the Internet, can Hell be far behind?" % When does later become never? % -When does summertime come to Minnesota, you ask? -Well, last year, I think it was a Tuesday. -% When eating an elephant take one bite at a time. -- Gen. C. Abrams % When forecasting, give them a number or give them a date, but never both. % -When God endowed human beings with brains, -He did not intend to guarantee them. -% When God saw how faulty was man He tried again and made woman. As to why he then stopped there are two opinions. One of them is woman's. -- DeGourmont @@ -51705,19 +42556,6 @@ When I first arrived in this country I had only fifteen cents in my pocket and a willingness to compromise. -- Weber cartoon caption % -When I get real bored, I like to drive down town and get a great -parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me -if i'm leaving. - -- Steven Wright -% -When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, -then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving. - -- Steven Wright -% -When I grow up, I want to be an honest -lawyer so things like that can't happen. - -- Richard Nixon, as a boy, on the Teapot Dome scandal -% When I have one foot in the grave I will tell the truth about women. I shall tell it, jump into my coffin, pull the lid over me, and say, "Do what you like now." @@ -51725,13 +42563,10 @@ what you like now." % When I hear a man applauded by the mob I always feel a pang of pity for him. All he has to do to be hissed is to live long enough. - -- H.L. Mencken, "Minority Report" + -- H. L. Mencken, "Minority Report" % When I kill, the only thing I feel is recoil. % -When I said "we", officer, I was referring to -myself, the four young ladies, and, of course, the goat. -% When I saw a sign on the freeway that said, "Los Angeles 445 miles," I said to myself, "I've got to get out of this lane." -- Franklyn Ajaye @@ -51766,10 +42601,6 @@ When I think about my folks. When I was 16, I thought there was no hope for my father. By the time I was 20, he had made great improvement. % -When I was a boy I was told that anyone could become President. -Now I'm beginning to believe it. - -- Clarence Darrow -% When I was a child... We had a quick-sand box in the backyard... I was an only child... eventually. -- Stephen Wright @@ -51787,10 +42618,6 @@ When I was a young man, I vowed never to marry until I found the ideal woman. Well, I found her -- but alas, she was waiting for the ideal man. -- Robert Schuman % -When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if -I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?" - -- Steven Wright -% When I was growing up my mother kept telling me we're just friends. I tell ya I was an ugly kid. I was so ugly that my Dad kept the kid's @@ -51800,34 +42627,13 @@ picture that came with the wallet he bought. When I was in college, there were a lot of four-letter words you couldn't say in front of girls. Now you can say them. But you can't say "girls". % -When I was in school, I cheated on my metaphysics exam: -I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me. - -- Woody Allen -% When I was little, I went into a pet shop and they asked how big I'd get. -- Rodney Dangerfield % -When I was seven years old, I was once reprimanded by my mother for an act -of collective brutality in which I had been involved at school. A group of -seven-year-olds had been teasing and tormenting a six-year-old. "It is -always so," my mother said. "You do things together which not one of you -would think of doing alone." ... Wherever one looks in the world of human -organization, collective responsibility brings a lowering of moral standards. -The military establishment is an extreme case, an organization which seems -to have been expressly designed to make it possible for people to do things -together which nobody in his right mind would do alone. - -- Freeman Dyson, "Weapons and Hope" -% When I was young we didn't have MTV; we had to take drugs and go to concerts. -- Steven Pearl % -When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it had happened -or not; but my faculties are decaying now and soon I shall be so I cannot -remember any but the things that never happened. It is sad to go to -pieces like this but we all have to do it. - -- Mark Twain -% When I woke up this morning, my girlfriend asked if I had slept well. I said, "No, I made a few mistakes." -- Steven Wright @@ -51855,8 +42661,6 @@ When in doubt, do it. It's much easier to apologize than to get permission. -- Grace Murray Hopper % -When in doubt, do what the President does -- guess. -% When in doubt, follow your heart. % When in doubt, have a man come through the door with a gun in his hand. @@ -51867,12 +42671,6 @@ When in doubt, lead trump. When in doubt, mumble; when in trouble, delegate; when in charge, ponder. -- James H. Boren % -When in doubt, tell the truth. - -- Mark Twain -% -When in doubt, use brute force. - -- Ken Thompson -% When in Rome, live in the Roman way. -- St. Ambrose % @@ -51908,12 +42706,6 @@ users lose their spirit. Hack for the user's benefit. Trust them; leave them alone. % -When love is gone, there's always justice. -And when justice is gone, there's always force. -And when force is gone, there's always Mom. -Hi, Mom! - -- Laurie Anderson -% When man calls an animal "vicious", he usually means that it will attempt to defend itself when he tries to kill it. % @@ -51931,12 +42723,6 @@ solved. Truly, this is the Tao of Programming. % -When Marriage is Outlawed, -Only Outlaws will have Inlaws. -% -When more and more people are thrown out of work, unemployment results. - -- Calvin Coolidge -% When my brain begins to reel from my literary labors, I make an occasional cheese dip. -- Ignatius Reilly @@ -51957,7 +42743,7 @@ Behind blue eyes. No one knows what its like to be hated, to be fated, To telling only lies. - -- The Who + -- The Who, "Behind Blue Eyes" % When my freshman roommate at Cornell found out I was Jewish, she was, at her request, moved to a different room. She told me she didn't @@ -51987,11 +42773,6 @@ but when one studies men, one excuses women. When one wants to get rid of an unsupportable pressure, one needs hashish. -- Friedrich Nietzsche % -When one woman was asked how long she had been going to symphony concerts, -she paused to calculate and replied, "Forty-seven years -- and I find I mind -it less and less." - -- Louise Andrews Kent -% When oxygen Tech played Hydrogen U. The Game had just begun, when Hydrogen scored two fast points And Oxygen still had none @@ -52020,13 +42801,8 @@ was Yesterday: 1925-1939" by Janet Flanner, edited by Irving Drutman. how an automobile got into the charity book sale at the Maison Rothschild, where his assassination occurred. % -When properly administered, vacations do not diminish productivity: for -every week you're away and get nothing done, there's another when your boss -is away and you get twice as much done. - -- Daniel B. Luten -% -When smashing monuments, save the pedstals -- they always come in handy. - -- Stanislaw J. Lem, "Unkempt Thoughts" +When smashing monuments, save the pedestals -- they always come in handy. + -- Stanislaw J. Lec, "Unkempt Thoughts" % When some people decide it's time for everyone to make big changes, it means that they want you to change first. @@ -52053,9 +42829,6 @@ Till somebody we like can be elected. We hate that expression! So when in doubt, send the Marines! -- Tom Lehrer, "Send The Marines" % -When someone says "I want a programming language in -which I need only say what I wish done," give him a lollipop. -% When speculation has done its worst, two plus two still equals four. -- S. Johnson % @@ -52085,9 +42858,6 @@ When the ax entered the forest, the trees said, "The handle is one of us!" When the blind lead the blind they will both fall over the cliff. -- Chinese proverb % -When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking -about themselves. -% When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves. % @@ -52097,7 +42867,7 @@ When the candles are out all women are fair. When the cup is full, carry it level. % When the doubt vanishes and the issue becomes evident, stupidity reigns. - -- Poul Henningsen [1894-1967] + -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967) % When the English language gets in my way, I walk over it. -- Billy Sunday @@ -52115,12 +42885,6 @@ When the going gets tough, the tough go shopping. When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro. -- Hunter S. Thompson % -When the government bureau's remedies do not match -your problem, you modify the problem, not the remedy. -% -When the government bureau's remedies don't match your problem, you modify -the problem, not the remedy. -% When the Guru administers, the users are hardly aware that he exists. Next best is a sysop who is loved. @@ -52150,11 +42914,6 @@ I take my place among the sellers. When the lights are out, all women are fair. -- Plutarch % -When the Ngdanga tribe of West Africa hold their moon love ceremonies, -the men of the tribe bang their heads on sacred trees until they get a -nose bleed, which usually cures them of that. - -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" -% When the only tool you have is a hammer, every problem starts to look like a nail. % @@ -52173,13 +42932,6 @@ the wrong joke." When the sun shineth, make hay. -- John Heywood % -When the Universe was not so out of whack as it is today, and all the -stars were lined up in their proper places, you could easily count them -from left to right, or top to bottom, and the larger and bluer ones were -set apart, and the smaller yellowing types pushed off to the corners as -bodies of a lower grade... - -- Stanislaw Lem -% When the usher noticed a man stretched across three seats in a movie theatre, he walked over and whispered, "I'm sorry, sir, but you're allowed only a single seat." The man moaned, but did not budge. "Sir," the user said more loudly, @@ -52200,7 +42952,7 @@ is to believe the one in which people appear at their worst. -- H. Allen Smith, "Let the Crabgrass Grow" % When there is an old maid in the house, a watch dog is unnecessary. - -- Balzac + -- Honore de Balzac % When things go well, expect something to explode, erode, collapse or just disappear. @@ -52226,10 +42978,6 @@ acts but doesn't expect. When his work is done, he deletes it. That is why it lasts forever. % -When we are planning for posterity, -we ought to remember that virtue is not hereditary. - -- Thomas Paine -% When we jumped into Sicily, the units became separated, and I couldn't find anyone. Eventually I stumbled across two colonels, a major, three captains, two lieutenants, and one rifleman, and we secured the bridge. Never in the @@ -52245,28 +42993,20 @@ When we write programs that "learn", it turns out we do and they don't. % When women kiss it always reminds one of prize fighters shaking hands. - -- H.L. Mencken, "Sententiae" + -- H. L. Mencken, "Sententiae" % When women love us, they forgive us everything, even our crimes; when they do not love us, they give us credit for nothing, not even our virtues. - -- Balzac + -- Honore de Balzac % When you are about to die, a wombat is better than no company at all. -- Roger Zelazny, "Doorways in the Sand" % -When you are about to do an objective and scientific piece of investigation -of a topic, it is well to have the answer firmly in hand, so that you can -proceed forthrightly, without being deflected or swayed, directly to the -goal. - -- Amrom Katz -% When you are at Rome live in the Roman style; when you are elsewhere live as they live elsewhere. -- St. Ambrose % -When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut. -% When you are working hard, get up and retch every so often. % When you are young, you enjoy a sustained illusion that sooner or later @@ -52350,26 +43090,13 @@ When you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth. -- Sherlock Holmes, "The Sign of Four" % -When you have shot and killed a man you have in some measure -clarified your attitude toward him. You have given a definite -answer to a definite problem. For better or worse you have -acted decisively. In a way, the next move is up to him. - -- R.A. Lafferty -% -When you have to kill a man it costs nothing to be polite. - -- W. Churchill, on formal declarations of war -% When you jump for joy, beware that no-one moves the ground from beneath your feet. - -- Stanislaw Lem, "Unkempt Thoughts" + -- Stanislaw J. Lec, "Unkempt Thoughts" % When you live in a sick society, just about everything you do is wrong. % -When you make your mark in the world, -watch out for guys with erasers. - -- The Wall Street Journal -% When you meet a master swordsman, show him your sword. When you meet a man who is not a poet, @@ -52399,9 +43126,6 @@ you have not the slightest intention of carrying it out in practice. When you speak to others for their own good it's advice; when they speak to you for your own good it's interference. % -When you try to make an impression, the -chances are that is the impression you will make. -% When you were born, a big chance was taken for you. % When your conscious becomes unconscious, you are drunk. @@ -52449,13 +43173,11 @@ you're living with someone it's fantastic ... they're so frightened of losing you they've got to keep you satisfied all the time. -- Nell Dunn, "Poor Cow" % -When you're not looking at it, this fortune is written in FORTRAN. -% When you're ready to give up the struggle, who can you surrender to? % WHEN YOU'RE RIDING IN A TIME MACHINE way far into the future, don't stick your elbow out the window or it'll turn into a fossil. - -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. + -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican", 1988. % When you've seen one nuclear war, you've seen them all. % @@ -52466,10 +43188,7 @@ abolishes the system or expands it beyond recognition. WHENEVER ANYBODY SAYS he's struggling to become a human being I have to laugh because the apes beat him to it by about a million years. Struggle to become a parrot or something. - -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. -% -Whenever anyone says, "theoretically," they really mean "not really". - -- Dave Parnas + -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican", 1988. % Whenever I date a guy, I think, is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with? @@ -52477,18 +43196,11 @@ to spend their weekends with? % Whenever I feel like exercise, I lie down until the feeling passes. % -Whenever I hear anyone arguing for slavery, I feel -a strong impulse to see it tried on him personally. - -- A. Lincoln -% Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny. -- Jack Handey % -Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong. - -- Oscar Wilde -% Whenever Richard Cory went downtown, We people on the pavement looked at him: He was a gentleman from sole to crown, @@ -52505,7 +43217,7 @@ So on we worked, and waited for the light, And went without the meat, and cursed the bread; And Richard Cory, one calm summer night, Went home and put a bullet through his head. - -- E.A. Robinson, "Richard Cory" + -- E. A. Robinson, "Richard Cory" % Whenever someone tells you to take their advice, you can be pretty sure that they're not using it. @@ -52515,35 +43227,21 @@ is the last you are going to see of him until he emerges on the other side of his Atlantic with his verb in his mouth. -- Mark Twain % -Whenever you find that you are on the -side of the majority, it is time to reform. - -- Mark Twain -% -Where a calculator on the ENIAC is equpped with 18,000 vaccuum tubes and -weighs 30 tons, computers in the future may have only 1,000 vaccuum tubes -and perhaps weight 1 1/2 tons. +Where a calculator on the ENIAC is equipped with 18,000 vacuum tubes and +weighs 30 tons, computers in the future may have only 1,000 vacuum tubes +and perhaps weigh 1 1/2 tons. -- Popular Mechanics, March 1949 % Where am I? Who am I? Am I? I % Where are the calculations that go with a calculated risk? % -WHERE CAN THE MATTER BE - Oh, dear, where can the matter be - When it's converted to energy? - There is a slight loss of parity. - Johnny's so long at the fair. -% Where do I find the time for not reading so many books? -- Karl Kraus % Where do you go to get anorexia? -- Shelley Winters % -Where humor is concerned there are no standards -- no one can say what -is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will. - -- John Kenneth Galbraith -% Where is John Carson now that we need him? -- RLG % @@ -52583,8 +43281,6 @@ Where there's a whip there's a way. % Where there's a will, there's a relative. % -Where there's a will, there's an Inheritance Tax. -% Where will it all end? Probably somewhere near where it all began. % @@ -52614,29 +43310,6 @@ Which would you rather have, a bursting planet or an earthquake here and there? -- John Joseph Lynch % -While anyone can admit to themselves they were -wrong, the true test is admission to someone else. -% -While Europe's eye is fix'd on mighty things, -The fate of empires and the fall of kings; -While quacks of State must each produce his plan, -And even children lisp the Rights of Man; -Amid this mighty fuss just let me mention, -The Rights of Woman merit some attention. - -- Robert Burns, - Address on "The Rights of Woman", November 26, 1792 -% -While Europe's eye is fix'd on mighty things, -The fate of empires and the fall of kings; -While quacks of State must each produce his plan, -And even children lisp the Rights of Man; -Amid this mighty fuss just let me mention, -The Rights of Woman merit some attention. - -- Robert Burns, Address on "The Rights of Woman", 1792 -% -While having never invented a sin, -I'm trying to perfect several. -% While he was in New York on location for _Bronco Billy_ (1980), Clint Eastwood agreed to a television interview. His host, somewhat hostile, began by defining a Clint Eastwood picture as a violent, ruthless, @@ -52659,14 +43332,6 @@ The very pulse of the machine. [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when referring to software interrupts.] % -While money can't buy happiness, it certainly -lets you choose your own form of misery. -% -While money doesn't buy love, it puts you in a great bargaining position. -% -While most peoples' opinions change, -the conviction of their correctness never does. -% While passing a vacant lot late one night, a jogger was stopped by a man who held a gun to his head. "Who are you for," the gunman snarled, "Bush or Dukakis?" @@ -52701,9 +43366,6 @@ Dat his mudder t'inks he is." Your mother thinks you are. While we are sleeping, two-thirds of the world is plotting to do us in. -- Dean Rusk % -While you don't greatly need the outside world, it's -still very reassuring to know that it's still there. -% While you recently had your problems on the run, they've regrouped and are making another attack. % @@ -52712,17 +43374,10 @@ your hands you are safe, for you can watch both of his. % Whip it, whip it good! % -Whistler's Law: - You never know who is right, but you always know who is in charge. -% Whistler's mother is off her rocker. % White dwarf seeks red giant for binary relationship. % -White House carpenters have reworked the master bedroom, remodeling it -so that Ronnie can sleep with his head in the hall. That way, by the -time he wakes up, somebody will have already shined his hair. -% Whitehead's Law: The obvious answer is always overlooked. % @@ -52740,9 +43395,6 @@ Who are you? Who can take the demands of the SDS seriously? -- Nathan Pusey % -Who cares if it doesn't do anything? It was made with -our new Triple-Iso-Bifurcated-Krypton-Gate-MOS process... -% Who dat who say "who dat" when I say "who dat"? -- Hattie McDaniel % @@ -52756,11 +43408,11 @@ Who does not trust enough will not be trusted. Who goeth a-borrowing goeth a-sorrowing. -- Thomas Tusser % -Who is D.B. Cooper, and where is he now? +Who is D. B. Cooper, and where is he now? % Who is John Galt? % -Who is W.O. Baker, and why is he saying those terrible things about me? +Who is W. O. Baker, and why is he saying those terrible things about me? % Who loves me will also love my dog. -- John Donne @@ -52771,12 +43423,6 @@ But he whose love is thin and wise Will view John Knox in Paradise. -- Dorothy Parker % -Who made the world I cannot tell; -'Tis made, and here am I in hell. -My hand, though now my knuckles bleed, -I never soiled with such a deed. - -- A.E. Housman -% Who needs companionship when you can sit alone in your room and drink? % @@ -52803,21 +43449,16 @@ It must be the NEGATIVE IONS!!" Whoever dies with the most toys wins. % Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the process he does not -become a monster. And when you look into an abyss, the abyss also looks -into you. - -- Friedrich Nietzsche -% -Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the process he does not become a monster. And when you look long into an abyss, the abyss also looks into you. - -- Nietzsche + -- Friedrich Nietzsche % Whoever named it "necking" was a poor judge of anatomy. -- Groucho Marx % Whoever tells a lie cannot be pure in heart -- and only the pure in heart can make a good soup. - -- Ludwig Van Beethoven + -- Ludwig van Beethoven % Whoever would lie usefully should lie seldom. % @@ -52826,8 +43467,6 @@ Whom computers would destroy, they must first drive insane. Whom the mad would destroy, first they make Gods. -- Bernard Levin % -Who's on first? -% Who's scruffy-looking? -- Han Solo % @@ -52872,9 +43511,6 @@ implications. Why attack God? He may be as miserable as we are. -- Erik Satie % -Why be a man when you can be a success? - -- Bertolt Brecht -% Why be difficult when, with a bit of effort, you could be impossible? % Why be difficult, when, with just a little effort, you can be impossible? @@ -52882,15 +43518,6 @@ Why be difficult, when, with just a little effort, you can be impossible? Why be difficult, when, with just a little more effort, you can be impossible? % -Why bother building anymore nuclear -warheads until we use the ones we have? -% -Why did the Lord give us so much quickness of -movement unless it was to avoid responsibility with? -% -Why did the Roman Empire collapse? -What's the Latin for office automation? -% Why do mathematicians insist on using words that already have another meaning? "It is the complex case that is easier to deal with." "If it doesn't happen at a corner, but at an edge, it nonetheless happens at a @@ -52914,10 +43541,6 @@ Why does a hearse horse snicker, hauling a lawyer away? % Why does a ship carry cargo and a truck carry shipments? % -Why does man kill? He kills for food. -And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage. - -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" -% Why doesn't everybody leave everybody else the hell alone? -- Jimmy Durante % @@ -52929,7 +43552,7 @@ pay the fiddler. -- The Best of Will Rogers % Why don't you fix your little problem... and light this candle? - -- Alan Shepherd, the first man into space, Gemini program + -- Alan Shepard, the first American into space, Gemini program % Why, every one as they like; as the good woman said when she kissed her cow. @@ -52972,20 +43595,6 @@ I'd LOVE to, but... % Why I Can't Go Out With You: -I'd LOVE to, but... - -- I have to floss my cat. - -- I've dedicated my life to linguini. - -- I need to spend more time with my blender. - -- It wouldn't be fair to the other Beautiful People. - -- It's my night to pet the dog/ferret/goldfish/radio. - -- I'm going downtown to try on some gloves. - -- I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products. - -- I'm due at the bakery to watch the buns rise. - -- I have an appointment with a cuticle specialist. - -- I have some really hard words to look up. -% -Why I Can't Go Out With You: - I'd LOVE to, but... -- I'm trying to see how long I can go without saying yes. -- I'm attending the opening of my garage door. @@ -53012,26 +43621,30 @@ I'd LOVE to, but... -- I'm teaching my ferret to yodel. -- My crayons all melted together. % +Why I Can't Go Out With You: + +I'd LOVE to, but ... + -- I have to floss my cat. + -- I've dedicated my life to linguini. + -- I need to spend more time with my blender. + -- it wouldn't be fair to the other Beautiful People. + -- it's my night to pet the dog/ferret/goldfish/radio. + -- I'm going downtown to try on some gloves. + -- I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products. + -- I'm due at the bakery to watch the buns rise. + -- I have an appointment with a cuticle specialist. + -- I have some really hard words to look up. +% Why is it called a funny bone when it hurts so much? % Why is it taking so long for her to bring out all the good in you? % -Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral? -It is because we are not the person involved. - -- Mark Twain -% -Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song? - -- Stephen Wright -% -Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet? - -- Lily Tomlin -% Why isn't there some cheap and easy way to prove how much she means to me? % Why my thoughts are my own, when they are in, but when they are out they are another's. - -- Susanna Martin, executed for witchcraft, 1681 + -- Susanna Martin, executed for witchcraft, 1681 % Why not? -- What? -- Why not? -- Why should I not send it? -- Why should I not dispatch it? -- Why not? -- Strange! I don't know why I shouldn't -- @@ -53048,9 +43661,6 @@ Isn't that where the fruit is? Why on earth do people buy old bottles of wine when they can get a fresh one for a quarter of the price? % -Why was I born with such contemporaries? - -- Oscar Wilde -% Why, when no honest man will deny in private that every ultimate problem is wrapped in the profoundest mystery, do honest men proclaim in pulpits that unhesitating certainty is the duty of the most foolish and ignorant? Is it @@ -53060,7 +43670,7 @@ incessantly repeated blunders, obtaining a glimmering of truth by falling into every conceivable error, dimly discerning light enough for our daily needs, but hopelessly differing whenever we attempt to describe the ultimate origin or end of our paths; and yet, when one of us ventures to declare that -we don't know the map of the universe as well as the map of our infintesimal +we don't know the map of the universe as well as the map of our infinitesimal parish, he is hooted, reviled, and perhaps told that he will be damned to all eternity for his faithlessness. -- Leslie Stephen, "An Agnostic's Apology", @@ -53074,10 +43684,6 @@ Why would anyone want to be called "Later"? Why you say you no bunny rabbit when you have little powder-puff tail? -- The Tasmanian Devil % -Wiker's Law: - Government expands to absorb all - available revenue and then some. -% Wilcox's Law: A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the pants. @@ -53091,29 +43697,6 @@ Will your long-winded speeches never end? What ails you that you keep on arguing? -- Job 16:3 % -William Safire's Rules for Writers: - Remember to never split an infinitive. The passive voice -should never be used. Do not put statements in the negative form. -Verbs have to agree with their subjects. Proofread carefully to see if -you words out. If you reread your work, you can find on rereading a -great deal of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing. A -writer must not shift your point of view. And don't start a sentence -with a conjunction. (Remember, too, a preposition is a terrible word -to end a sentence with.) Don't overuse exclamation marks!! Place -pronouns as close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of 10 -or more words, to their antecedents. Writing carefully, dangling -participles must be avoided. If any word is improper at the end of a -sentence, a linking verb is. Take the bull by the hand and avoid -mixing metaphors. Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky. Everyone -should be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in -their writing. Always pick on the correct idiom. The adverb always -follows the verb. Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague; -seek viable alternatives. -% -Williams and Holland's Law: - If enough data is collected, - anything may be proven by statistical methods. -% Willie in the cauldron fell; Willie saw some dynamite, See the grief on mother's brow; Couldn't understand it quite; Mother loved her darling well -- Curiosity never pays: @@ -53127,7 +43710,7 @@ Mother cried, "Now, William, stop!" I haven't the heart to poke poor Billy. William with a thirst for gore, Little Willie mean as hell, Nailed the baby to the door. Threw his sister in the well! Mother said, with humor quaint: Said his mother when drawing water, -"Careful, Will, don't mar the paint." 'sure is hard to raise a daughter.' +"Careful, Will, don't mar the paint." "sure is hard to raise a daughter." -- Harry Graham, "Ruthless Rhymes for Heartless Homes", 1899 % Wilner's Observation: @@ -53146,9 +43729,6 @@ head... if you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick... Winter is nature's way of saying, "Up yours." -- Robert Byrne % -Winter is the season in which people try to keep the house -as warm as it was in the summer, when they complained about the heat. -% [Wisdom] is a tree of life to those laying hold of her, making happy each one holding her fast. -- Proverbs 3:18, NSV @@ -53165,8 +43745,6 @@ WIT: The salt with which the American Humorist spoils his cookery... by leaving it out. % -With a rubber duck, one's never alone. -% With all the fancy scientists in the world, why can't they just once build a nuclear balm. % @@ -53180,12 +43758,6 @@ With Congress, every time they make a joke it's a law; and every time they make a law it's a joke. -- W. Rogers % -With every passing hour our solar system comes forty-three thousand -miles closer to globular cluster M13 in the constellation Hercules, -and still there are some misfits who continue to insist that there -is no such thing as progress. - -- Ransom K. Ferm -% With her body, woman is more sincere than man; but with her mind she lies. And when she lies, she does not believe herself. -- Tolstoy @@ -53248,8 +43820,6 @@ important to him than his table or his white robe. % Without fools there would be no wisdom. % -Without ice cream life and fame are meaningless. -% Without life, Biology itself would be impossible. % Without love intelligence is dangerous; @@ -53274,14 +43844,14 @@ WOLF: WOMAN: An animal usually living in the vicinity of Man, and having a rudimentary susceptibility to domestication. - -- Bierce + -- Ambrose Bierce % Woman: "Is Yoo-Hoo hyphenated?" Yogi Berra: "No, ma'am, its not even carbonated." % Woman are like elephants to me: I like to look at them, but I wouldn't want to own one. - -- W.C. Fields + -- W. C. Fields % Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them. -- Dumas @@ -53295,7 +43865,7 @@ Winston Churchill: Madame, you are ugly; very, very ugly. I shall be sober in the morning. % Woman was God's second mistake. - -- Nietzsche + -- Friedrich Nietzsche % Woman was taken out of man -- not out of his head, to rule over him; nor out of his feet, to be trampled under by him; but out of his side, to be @@ -53327,7 +43897,7 @@ Women are just like men, only different. % Women are like elephants to me: I like to look at them, but I wouldn't want to own one. - -- W.C. Fields + -- W. C. Fields % Women are not much, but they are the best other sex we have. -- Herold @@ -53367,7 +43937,7 @@ crying, a little dying -- and a good deal of lying. Women of genius commonly have masculine faces, figures and manners. In transplanting brains to an alien soil God leaves a little of the original earth clinging to the roots. - -- Bierce + -- Ambrose Bierce % Women reason with the heart and are much less often wrong than men who reason with the head. @@ -53388,15 +43958,15 @@ than being slapped is when you get on your knees and say you're sorry. % Women waste men's lives and think they have indemnified them by a few gracious words. - -- Balzac + -- Honore de Balzac % Women, when they are not in love, have all the cold blood of an experienced attorney. - -- Balzac + -- Honore de Balzac % Women, when they have made a sheep of a man, always tell him that he is a lion with a will of iron. - -- Balzac + -- Honore de Balzac % Women who desire to be like men, lack ambition. % @@ -53407,8 +43977,6 @@ not because they are pretty, or good, or well-bred, or graceful, or intelligent, but because they are themselves. -- Amiel % -Women's Libbers are OK, I just wouldn't want my sister to marry one. -% Women's virtue is man's greatest invention. -- Cornelia Otis Skinner % @@ -53567,7 +44135,7 @@ a valentine. -- Christopher Plummer % World tensions have, if anything, increased in the quarter century -since H.G. Wells uttered his glum warning: "There is no more evil +since H. G. Wells uttered his glum warning: "There is no more evil thing on earth than race prejudice, none at all. I write deliberately -- it is the worst single thing in life now. It justifies and holds together more baseness, cruelty and abomination than any other sort of @@ -53577,20 +44145,6 @@ error in the world." Worrying is like rocking in a rocking chair-- It gives you something to do, but it doesn't get you anywhere. % -Worst Month of 1981 for Downhill Skiing: - August. The lift lines are the shortest, though. - -- Steve Rubenstein -% -Worst Month of the Year: - February. February has only 28 days in it, which means that if - you rent an apartment, you are paying for three full days you - don't get. Try to avoid Februarys whenever possible. - -- Steve Rubenstein -% -Worst Vegetable of the Year: - Brussel sprout. This is also the worst vegetable of next year. - -- Steve Rubenstein -% Worth seeing? Yes, but not worth going to see. % @@ -53629,10 +44183,6 @@ Would you people stop playing these stupid games?!?!?!!!! Would you *really* want to get on a non-stop flight? -- George Carlin % -"Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?" -"That depends a good deal on where you want to get to," said the Cat. - -- Lewis Carroll -% Wouldn't this be a great world if being insecure and desperate were a turn-on? -- "Broadcast News" @@ -53645,20 +44195,6 @@ Write a wise saying and your name will live forever. % Write yourself a threatening letter and pen a defiant reply. % -WRITE-PROTECT TAB: - A small sticker created to cover the unsightly notch carelessly - left by disk manufacturers. The use of the tab creates an error - message once in a while, but its aesthetic value far outweighs - the momentary inconvenience. - -- Robb Russon -% -write-protect tab, n: - A small sticker created to cover the unsightly notch carelessly left - by disk manufacturers. The use of the tab creates an error message - once in a while, but its aesthetic value far outweighs the momentary - inconvenience. - -- Robb Russon -% Writers who use a computer swear to its liberating power in tones that bear witness to the apocalyptic power of a new divinity. Their conviction results from something deeper than mere gratitude for the computer's conveniences. @@ -53679,7 +44215,7 @@ paper until drops of blood form on your forehead. -- Gene Fowler % Writing is turning one's worst moments into money. - -- J.P. Donleavy + -- J. P. Donleavy % Writing software is more fun than working. % @@ -53819,12 +44355,6 @@ X windows: Incompatibility. Shoddiness. Uselessness. X windows. % -Xerox does it again and again and again and... -% -Xerox never comes up with anything original. -% -XEROX never does anything original. -% XI: If the Earth could be made to rotate twice as fast, managers would get twice as much done. If the Earth could be made to rotate twenty @@ -53884,9 +44414,6 @@ LII: There remains the possibility that it may someday be valuable again. -- Norman Augustine % -X-rated movies are all alike -- the only thing -they leave to the imagination is the plot. -% XVI: In the year 2054, the entire defense budget will purchase just one aircraft. This aircraft will have to be shared by the Air Force and @@ -53978,13 +44505,6 @@ XL: % Ya know, Quaker Oats make you feel good twice! % -Yacc owes much to a most stimulating collection of users, who have -goaded me beyond my inclination, and frequently beyond my ability in -their endless search for "one more feature". Their irritating -unwillingness to learn how to do things my way has usually led to my -doing things their way; most of the time, they have been right. - -- Stephen C. Johnson, "Yacc guide acknowledgements" -% Ya'll hear about the geometer who went to the beach to catch some rays and became a tangent ? % @@ -54008,9 +44528,6 @@ a private eye. Yeah, there are more important things in life than money, but they won't go out with you if you don't have any. % -YEAR: - A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments. -% Year Name James Bond Book ---- -------------------------------- -------------- ---- 50's James Bond TV Series Barry Nelson @@ -54033,10 +44550,6 @@ Year Name James Bond Book 1987 The Living Daylights Timothy Dalton 1965 (novelette) * -- Not a Broccoli production. % -Yes, but every time I try to see things your way, I get a headache. -% -Yes, but which self do you want to be? -% Yes, I've now got this nice little apartment in New York, one of those L-shaped ones. Unfortunately, it's a lower case l. -- Rita Rudner @@ -54049,29 +44562,10 @@ Than to have to have a frontal lobotomy. I might be drunk but at least I'm not insane. -- Randy Ansley M.D. (Dr. Rock) % -Yes, that was Richard Nixon. He used to be President. When he left -the White House, the Secret Service would count the silverware. - -- Woody Allen, "Sleeper" -% Yes, we will be going to OSI, Mars and, Pluto, but not necessarily in that order. -- George Michaelson % -Yesterday I was a dog. Today I'm a dog. -Tomorrow I'll probably still be a dog. -Sigh! There's so little hope for advancement. - -- Snoopy -% -Yesterday upon the stair -I met a man who wasn't there. -He wasn't there again today -- -I think he's from the CIA. -% -Yesterday upon the stair -I met a man who wasn't there. -He wasn't there again today. -I think he's from the CIA. -% Ye've also got to remember that ... respectable people do the most astonishin' things to preserve their respectability. Thank God I'm not respectable. @@ -54086,7 +44580,7 @@ Yield to temptation; it may not pass your way again. YINKEL: A person who combs his hair over his bald spot, hoping no one will notice. - -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends + -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets" % You ain't learning nothing when you're talking. % @@ -54173,48 +44667,6 @@ Please set your clocks back 200 years. % You are number 6! Who is number one? % -"You are old, father William," the young man said, - "And your hair has become very white; -And yet you incessantly stand on your head -- - Do you think, at your age, it is right?" - -"In my youth," father William replied to his son, - "I feared it might injure the brain; -But, now that I'm perfectly sure I have none, - Why, I do it again and again." - -"You are old," said the youth, "as I mentioned before, - And have grown most uncommonly fat; -Yet you turned a back-somersault in at the door -- - Pray what is the reason of that?" - -"In my youth," said the sage, as he shook his grey locks, - "I kept all my limbs very supple -By the use of this ointment -- one shilling the box -- - Allow me to sell you a couple?" -% -"You are old," said the youth, "and your jaws are too weak - For anything tougher than suet; -Yet you finished the goose, with the bones and the beak -- - Pray, how did you manage to do it?" - -"In my youth," said his father, "I took to the law, - And argued each case with my wife; -And the muscular strength which it gave to my jaw, - Has lasted the rest of my life." - -"You are old," said the youth, "one would hardly suppose - That your eye was as steady as ever; -Yet you balanced an eel on the end of your nose -- - What made you so awfully clever?" - -"I have answered three questions, and that is enough," - Said his father. "Don't give yourself airs! -Do you think I can listen all day to such stuff? - Be off, or I'll kick you down stairs!" -% -You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely. -% You are scrupulously honest, frank, and straightforward. Therefore you have few friends. % @@ -54238,7 +44690,7 @@ chewing on your leg, a troglodyte is bashing your brains out with a gold nugget, a crocodile is removing large chunks of flesh from you, a rhinoceros is goring you with his horn, a sabre-tooth cat is busy trying to disembowel you, you are being trampled by a large mammoth, a -vampire is sucking you dry, a Tyranosaurus Rex is sinking his six inch +vampire is sucking you dry, a Tyrannosaurus Rex is sinking his six inch long fangs into various parts of your anatomy, a large bear is dismembering your body, a gargoyle is bouncing up and down on your head, a burly troll is tearing you limb from limb, several dire wolves @@ -54250,9 +44702,6 @@ You scored 0 out of 250 possible points. That gives you a ranking of junior beginning adventurer. To achieve the next higher rating, you need to score 32 more points. % -You are wise, witty, and wonderful, -but you spend too much time reading this sort of trash. -% You ask what a nice girl will do? She won't give an inch, but she won't say no. -- Marcus Valerius Martialis @@ -54266,8 +44715,6 @@ You auto buy now. "Sure. Whaddya got?" -- Marlon Brando, "The Wild Ones" % -You buttered your bread, now lie in it! -% You buy a judge by weight, like iron in a junk yard. A justice of the peace or a magistrate can be had for a five-dollar bill. In the municipal courts, he will cost you ten. In the circuit or superior @@ -54288,7 +44735,7 @@ They're the ones with arrows sticking out of their backs. % You can approach truth, but never capture it. Lies can be had 'round the corner. - -- Poul Henningsen [1894-1967] + -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967) % You can be replaced by this computer. % @@ -54299,10 +44746,6 @@ You can bring any calculator you like to the midterm, as long as it doesn't dim the lights when you turn it on. -- Hepler, CS, University of Washington % -You can bring any calculator you like to the midterm, as long as it -doesn't dim the lights when you turn it on. - -- Hepler, Systems Design 182 -% You can bring men from other parts of the world who are sane. And you know what happens? At the very moment they cross those mountains... they go mad. Instantaneously and automatically, at the very moment @@ -54319,17 +44762,10 @@ Girl, bathing on Bikini, eyeing boy, A man, a plan, a canal -- Panama! -- The Palindromist % -You can create your own opportunities this week. -Blackmail a senior executive. -% You can destroy your now by worrying about tomorrow. -- Janis Joplin % You can do this in a number of ways. IBM chose to do all of them. -Why do you find that funny? - -- D. Taylor, Computer Science 350 -% -You can do this in a number of ways. IBM chose to do all of them. Why do you find that funny? -- D. Taylor, CS, University of Washington % @@ -54395,14 +44831,8 @@ You can imagine my embarrassment when I killed the wrong guy. You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to float on his back, you've got something. % -You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, -for instance. - -- Franklin P. Jones -% You can make it illegal, but can't make it unpopular. % -You can make it illegal, but you can't make it unpopular. -% You can measure a programmer's perspective by noting his attitude on the continuing vitality of FORTRAN. % @@ -54437,15 +44867,6 @@ You can observe a lot just by watching. % You can rent this space for only $5 a week. % -You can take all the impact that science considerations have on funding -decisions at NASA, put them in the navel of a flea, and have room left -over for a caraway seed and Tony Calio's heart. - -- F. Allen -% -You can tell how far we have to go, -when Fortran is the language of supercomputers. - -- Steven Feiner -% You can tell the ideals of a nation by its advertisements. -- Norman Douglas % @@ -54455,8 +44876,6 @@ You can write a small letter to Grandma in the filename. You canna change the laws of physics, Captain; I've got to have thirty minutes! % -You cannot achieve the impossible without attempting the absurd. -% You cannot choose your battlefield, the gods do that for you. But you can plant a standard where a standard never flew. -- Nathalia Crane @@ -54464,10 +44883,6 @@ But you can plant a standard where a standard never flew. You cannot have a science without measurement. -- R. W. Hamming % -You cannot kill time without injuring eternity. -% -You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back. -% You cannot see the wood for the trees. -- John Heywood % @@ -54478,11 +44893,9 @@ You cannot use your friends and have them too. % You can't break eggs without making an omelet. % -You can't carve your way to success without cutting remarks. -% You can't cheat an honest man, never give a sucker an even break or smarten up a chump. - -- W.C. Fields + -- W. C. Fields % You can't cheat the phone company. % @@ -54495,7 +44908,7 @@ You can't erase a dream, you can only wake me up. -- Peter Frampton % You can't expect a boy to be vicious till he's been to a good school. - -- H.H. Munro + -- H. H. Munro % "You can't expect a mother to be with a small child all the time", Margaret Mead once remarked, with her usual good sense, but in 1978 @@ -54509,16 +44922,11 @@ You can't get there from here. % You can't go home again, unless you set $HOME. % -You can't have everything. Where would you put it? - -- Steven Wright -% You can't have your cake and let your neighbor eat it too. -- Ayn Rand % You can't hug a child with nuclear arms. % -You can't judge a book by the way it wears its hair. -% You can't kiss a girl unexpectedly -- only sooner than she thought you would. % @@ -54541,19 +44949,11 @@ You can't say civilization don't advance... in every war they kill you a new way. -- Will Rogers % -You can't start worrying about what's going to happen. -You get spastic enough worrying about what's happening now. - -- Lauren Bacall -% You can't take damsel here now. % You can't take it with you -- especially when crossing a state line. % -You can't teach people to be lazy -- -either they have it, or they don't. - -- Dagwood Bumstead -% You can't underestimate the power of fear. -- Tricia Nixon Cox % @@ -54561,24 +44961,15 @@ You climb to reach the summit, but once there, discover that all roads lead down. -- Stanislaw Lem, "The Cyberiad" % -You could get a new lease on life -- if only you -didn't need the first and last month in advance. -% You could live a better life, if you had a better mind and a better body. % -You couldn't even prove the White House -staff sane beyond a reasonable doubt. - -- Ed Meese, on the Hinckley verdict -% You definitely intend to start living sometime soon. % You dialed 5483. % You display the wonderful traits of charm and courtesy. % -You do not have mail. -% You don't become a failure until you're satisfied with being one. % You don't have to be nice to people on the way up @@ -54591,16 +44982,9 @@ You don't have to explain something you never said. You don't have to know how the computer works, just how to work the computer. % -You don't have to think too hard when you talk to teachers. - -- J.D. Salinger -% You don't move to Edina, you achieve Edina. -- Guindon % -You don't sew with a fork, so I see no -reason to eat with knitting needles. - -- Miss Piggy, on eating Chinese Food -% You enjoy the company of other people. % You feel a whole lot more like you do @@ -54610,11 +44994,7 @@ You fill a much-needed gap. % You first parent of the human race... who ruined yourself for an apple, what might you have done for a truffled turkey? - -- Brillat-savarin, "Physiologie du Gout" -% -You first parents of the human race... who ruined yourself for -an apple, what might you not have done for a truffled turkey? - -- Brillat-Savarin + -- Brillat-Savarin, "Physiologie du Gout" % You get along very well with everyone except animals and people. % @@ -54676,8 +45056,6 @@ You have a strong appeal for members of your own sex. You have a strong desire for a home and your family interests come first. % -You have a tendency to feel you are superior to most computers. -% You have a truly strong individuality. % You have a will that can be influenced @@ -54725,9 +45103,6 @@ and few words in your sleep to get divorced. % You have taken yourself too seriously. % -You have the capacity to learn from mistakes. -You'll learn a lot today. -% You have the power to influence all with whom you come in contact. % You have to run as fast as you can just to stay where you are. @@ -54737,7 +45112,7 @@ If you want to get anywhere, you'll have to run much faster. You humans are all alike. % You just know when a relationship is about to end. My girlfriend called me -at work and asked me how you change a lightbulb in the bathroom. "It's very +at work and asked me how you change a lightbulb in the bathroom. "It's very simple," I said. "You start by filling up the bathtub with water..." % You just wait, I'll sin till I blow up! @@ -54801,7 +45176,7 @@ meet Cecil," we shout, "You're late again with the child support!" -- Cynthia Heimel, "A Girl's Guide to Chaos" % You know you are getting old when you think you should drive the speed limit. - -- E.A. Gilliam + -- E. A. Gilliam % You know your apartment is small... when you can't know its position and velocity at the same time. @@ -54871,8 +45246,6 @@ when you go out to the junk food machine and start wondering how to make it give you the CADR of Item H so you can get that yummie chocolate cupcake that's stuck behind the disgusting vanilla one. % -You know you've landed gear-up when it takes full power to taxi. -% You learn to write as if to someone else because NEXT YEAR YOU WILL BE "SOMEONE ELSE". % @@ -54889,7 +45262,7 @@ You love peace. You love your home and want it to be beautiful. % You may already be a loser. - -- Form letter received by Rodney Dangerfield. + -- Form letter received by Rodney Dangerfield % You may be gone tomorrow, but that doesn't mean that you weren't here today. @@ -54897,8 +45270,6 @@ doesn't mean that you weren't here today. You may be infinitely smaller than some things, but you're infinitely larger than others. % -You may be recognized soon. Hide. -% You may be right, I may be crazy, But maybe it's a lunatic you're looking for? -- Billy Joel @@ -54909,10 +45280,6 @@ That a young man married is a young man marred. % You may get an opportunity for advancement today. Watch it! % -You may have heard that a dean is -to faculty as a hydrant is to a dog. - -- Alfred Kahn -% You may my glories and my state dispose, But not my griefs; still am I king of those. -- William Shakespeare, "Richard II" @@ -54931,8 +45298,6 @@ obvious facts that you are a bachelor, a solicitor, a freemason, and an asthmatic, I know nothing whatever about you. -- Sherlock Holmes, "The Norwood Builder" % -You might have mail. -% You must dine in our cafeteria. You can eat dirt cheap there!!!! % @@ -54951,14 +45316,8 @@ to his own concept of the obligations of manhood. All other loyalties are merely deputies of that one. -- Nero Wolfe % -You must realize that the computer has it in for you. The irrefutable -proof of this is that the computer always does what you tell it to do. -% You need more time; and you probably always will. % -You need no longer worry about the future. -This time tomorrow you'll be dead. -% You need not worry about your future. % You never gain something but that you lose something. @@ -55008,15 +45367,9 @@ You own a dog, but you can only feed a cat. You plan things that you do not even attempt because of your extreme caution. % -You possess a mind not merely twisted, but actually sprained. -% You prefer the company of the opposite sex, but are well liked by your own. % -You probably wouldn't worry about what people -think of you if you could know how seldom they do. - -- Olin Miller -% You recoil from the crude; you tend naturally toward the exquisite. % You roll my log, and I will roll yours. @@ -55050,7 +45403,7 @@ the useful ones. You see things; and you say "Why?" But I dream things that never were; and I say "Why not?" -- George Bernard Shaw, "Back to Methuselah" - [No, it wasn't J.F. Kennedy. Ed.] + [No, it wasn't J. F. Kennedy. Ed.] % You see, wire telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull his tail in New York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you @@ -55077,16 +45430,12 @@ incest and folk-dancing. % You should never bet against anything in science at odds of more than about ten to the twelfth to one. - -- E. Rutherford + -- Ernest Rutherford % You should never ride in an airplane with a sports team, because if the plane goes down, it's you they're gonna eat! -- Gordon Downie, singer for Tragically Hip % -You should never wear your best trousers -when you go out to fight for freedom and liberty. - -- Henrik Ibsen -% You shouldn't have to pay for your love with your bones and your flesh. -- Pat Benatar, "Hell is for Children" % @@ -55131,8 +45480,6 @@ You will always have good luck in your personal affairs. % You will attract cultured and artistic people to your home. % -You will be a winner today. Pick a fight with a four-year-old. -% You will be advanced socially, without any special effort on your part. % @@ -55181,16 +45528,12 @@ You will be singled out for promotion in your work. % You will be successful in love. % -You will be surprised by a loud noise. -% You will be surrounded by luxury. % You will be the last person to buy a Chrysler. % You will be the victim of a bizarre joke. % -You will be Told about it Tomorrow. Go Home and Prepare Thyself. -% You will be traveling and coming into a fortune. % You will be winged by an anti-aircraft battery. @@ -55203,12 +45546,10 @@ You will engage in a profitable business activity. % You will experience a strong urge to do good; but it will pass. % -You will feel hungry again in another hour. -% You will find me drinking gin In the lowest kind of inn, Because I am a rigid Vegetarian. - -- G.K. Chesterton + -- G. K. Chesterton % You will forget that you ever knew me. % @@ -55282,16 +45623,6 @@ You will receive a legacy which will place you above want. % You will remember something that you should not have forgotten. % -You will remember, Watson, how the dreadful business of the Abernetty family -was first brought to my notice by the depth which the parsley had sunk into -the butter upon a hot day. - -- Sherlock Holmes -% -You will remember, Watson, how the dreadful business of the Abernetty -family was first brought to my notice by the |depth which the parsley -had sunk into the butter upon a hot day. - -- Sherlock Holmes -% You will soon forget this. % You will soon meet a person who will play an important role in your life. @@ -55314,9 +45645,6 @@ You won't skid if you stay in a rut. % You work very hard. Don't try to think as well. % -You worry too much about your job. -Stop it. You are not paid enough to worry. -% "You would do well not to imagine profundity," he said. "Anything that seems of momentous occasion should be dwelt upon as though it were of slight note. Conversely, trivialities must be attended to with the greatest of care. @@ -55353,8 +45681,6 @@ Toss dynamite caps under a flamenco dancer's heel. % You'll feel much better once you've given up hope. % -You'll never be the man your mother was! -% You'll never see all the places, or read all the books, but fortunately, they're not all recommended. % @@ -55391,9 +45717,6 @@ Your aim is high and to the right. % Your aims are high, and you are capable of much. % -Your analyst has you mixed up with another patient. -Don't believe a thing he tells you. -% Your best consolation is the hope that the things you failed to get weren't really worth having. % @@ -55430,7 +45753,7 @@ listed 10 signs to watch for: a microwave oven is turned on," said Steiger. The experts pointed out that a co-worker would have to display most if not all of these traits before you can positively identify him as a space alien. - -- National Enquirer, Michael Cassels, August, 1984. + -- National Enquirer, Michael Cassels, August, 1984 [I thought everybody laughed at company training films. Ed.] % @@ -55450,8 +45773,6 @@ Your domestic life may be harmonious. % Your education begins where what is called your education is over. % -Your fault - core dumped -% Your files are now being encrypted and thrown into the bit bucket. EOF % @@ -55464,7 +45785,7 @@ AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) You have nothing better to think about than what to wear and what type of champagne to take to the neighbors Halloween Party. Just take beer! Don't try to copy the "Joneses", pull them up to your level and remember, in -California Hoalloween is redundant anyhow. +California Halloween is redundant anyhow. PISCES (Feb. 19 - March 20) Focus on strengthening friendships this Fall. You find others are @@ -55476,7 +45797,7 @@ YOUR FOAMY FUTURE by Miss Fortune ARIES (March 21 - April 19) - Matters are not good, where you health is concerned. This Fall, be + Matters are not good, where your health is concerned. This Fall, be sure to "walk groundly, talk profoundly, drink roundly, and sleep soundly" and you will live all the days of your life. @@ -55528,21 +45849,12 @@ Your heart is pure, and your mind clear, and your soul devout. % Your ignorance cramps my conversation. % -Your life would be very empty if you had nothing to regret. -% Your love life will be happy and harmonious. % Your love life will be... interesting. % Your lover will never wish to leave you. % -Your lucky color has faded. -% -Your lucky number has been disconnected. -% -Your lucky number is 3552664958674928. -Watch for it everywhere. -% Your manuscript is both good and original, but the part that is good is not original and the part that is original is not good. -- Samuel Johnson @@ -55622,8 +45934,6 @@ Your talents will be recognized and suitably rewarded. Your temporary financial embarrassment will be relieved in a surprising manner. % -Your true value depends entirely on what you are compared with. -% Your wig steers the gig. -- Lord Buckley % @@ -55660,12 +45970,8 @@ You're always thinking you're gonna be the one that makes 'em act different. -- Woody Allen, "Manhattan" % -You're at the end of the road again. -% You're at Witt's End. % -You're being followed. Cut out the hanky-panky for a few days. -% You're currently going through a difficult transition period called "Life." % You're definitely on their list. @@ -55681,14 +45987,8 @@ but there are others that you're growing into. except, y'know, not green... and without all the patches of fungus." -- Swamp Thing % -You're never too old to become younger. - -- Mae West -% You're not Dave. Who are you? % -You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on. - -- Dean Martin -% You're reasoning is excellent -- it's only your basic assumptions that are wrong. % @@ -55736,17 +46036,12 @@ You've always made the mistake of being yourself. % You've been Berkeley'ed! % -You've been leading a dog's life. Stay off the furniture. -% You've been telling me to relax all the way here, and now you're telling me just to be myself? -- The Return of the Secaucus Seven % You've got to pity New Mexico... so far from heaven and so close to Texas. % -"Yow! Am I having fun yet?" - -- Zippy the Pinhead -% "Yow! Am I in Milwaukee?" -- Zippy the Pinhead % @@ -55779,9 +46074,6 @@ Zall's Laws: zeal, n: Quality seen in new graduates -- if you're quick. % -ZERO DEFECTS: - The result of shutting down a production line. -% Zero Mostel: That's it baby! When you got it, flaunt it! Flaunt it! -- Mel Brooks, "The Producers" % @@ -55790,10 +46082,3 @@ Zeus gave Leda the bird. Zisla's Law: If you're asked to join a parade, don't march behind the elephants. % -Zounds! I was never so bethumped with words -since I first called my brother's father dad. - -- William Shakespeare, "Kind John" -% -Zymurgy's Law of Volunteer Labor: - People are always available for work in the past tense. -% diff --git a/games/fortune/datfiles/fortunes2-o b/games/fortune/datfiles/fortunes2-o index 758aa5ecff..6ae5f2d8d1 100644 --- a/games/fortune/datfiles/fortunes2-o +++ b/games/fortune/datfiles/fortunes2-o @@ -1,24 +1,6 @@ This fortune brought to you by: $FreeBSD: src/games/fortune/datfiles/fortunes2-o,v 1.6.2.3 2002/08/09 20:40:27 fanf Exp $ $DragonFly: src/games/fortune/datfiles/fortunes2-o,v 1.2 2003/06/17 04:25:23 dillon Exp $ -% - PLAYGIRL, Inc. - Philadelphia, Pa. 19369 -Dear Sir: - Your name has been submitted to us with your photo. I regret to -inform you that we will be unable to use your body in our centerfold. On -a scale of one to ten, your body was rated a minus two by a panel of women -ranging in age from 60 to 75 years. We tried to assemble a panel in the -age bracket of 25 to 35 years, but we could not get them to stop laughing -long enough to reach a decision. Should the taste of the American woman -ever change so drastically that bodies such as yours would be appropriate -in our magazine, you will be notified by this office. Please, don't call -us. - Sympathetically, - Amanda L. Smith - -p.s. We also want to commend you for your unusual pose. Were you - wounded in the war, or do you ride your bike a lot? % MOUNTIES: I'm a lumberjack and I'm OK, He's a lumberjack and he's OK, @@ -102,16 +84,6 @@ Nothing to eat? Testicles, testicles, said Daddy. A man gets tired of testicles. -- L.L. Zeiger -% - ... So this is a very confusing situation, and what makes it even -worse is, our standards keep changing. Take Playboy magazine. Back in the -1950s, when I started reading it strictly for the articles, Playboy was -considered just about the raciest thing around, even though all it ever -showed was women's breasts. Granted, any given one of these breasts would -have provided adequate shelter for a family of four, but the overall effect -was no more explicit than many publications we think nothing of today, such -as Sports Illustrated's Annual Nipples Poking Through Swimsuits Issue. - -- Dave Barry, "Pornography" % A bear and a rabbit are taking a crap in the woods. The bear looks over at the rabbit and asks, "Say, does shit ever stick to your fur?" @@ -155,24 +127,6 @@ his dog to keep him company through the rest of the night. When the dog is brought forth the cowboy again runs his hand over Rex's head and then bends down to whisper into his ear: "This may be my last chance, Rex, so get it right this time -- go into town and get the posse!" -% - A farmer decides that his three sows should be bred, and contacts a -buddy down the road, who owns several boars. They agree on a stud fee, and -the farmer puts the sows in his pickup and takes them down the road to the -boars. He leaves them all day, and when he picks them up that night, asks -the man how he can tell if it "took" or not. The breeder replies that if, -the next morning, the sows were grazing on grass, they were pregnant, but if -they were rolling in the mud as usual, they probably weren't. - Comes the morn, the sows are rolling in the mud as usual, so the -farmer puts them in the truck and brings them back for a second full day of -frolic. This continues for a week, since each morning the sows are rolling -in the mud. - Around the sixth day, the farmer wakes up and tells his wife, "I -don't have the heart to look again. This is getting ridiculous. You check -today." With that, the wife peeks out the bedroom window and starts to laugh. - "What is it?" asks the farmer excitedly. "Are they grazing at last?" - "Nope." replies his wife. "Two of them are jumping up and down in -the back of your truck, and the other one is honking the horn!" % A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. "Tim, you be first," she said. "What does your mother do @@ -211,25 +165,6 @@ of the Pretzel Hold? I thought it was over for sure!" this huge pair of testicles hanging right in front of my eyes. I figured what the hell, so I stretched forward and bit them as hard as I could. Coach, you just don't know your own strength 'til you've bitten your own balls!" -% - A group of soldiers being prepared for a practice landing on a tropical -island were warned of the one danger the island held, a poisonous snake that -could be readily identified by its alternating orange and black bands. They -were instructed, should they find one of these snakes, to grab the tail end of -the snake with one hand and slide the other hand up the body of the snake to -the snake's head. Then, forcefully, bend the thumb above the snake's head -downward to break the snake's spine. All went well for the landing, the -charge up the beach, and the move into the jungle. At one foxhole site, two -men were starting to dig and wondering what had happened to their partner. -Suddenly he staggered out of the underbrush, uniform in shreds, covered with -blood. He collapsed to the ground. His buddies were so shocked they could -only blurt out, "What happened?" - "I ran from the beachhead to the edge of the jungle, and, as I hit the -ground, I saw an orange and black striped snake right in front of me. I -grabbed its tail end with my left hand. I placed my right hand above my left -hand. I held firmly with my left hand and slid my right hand up the body of -the snake. When I reached the head of the snake I flicked my right thumb down -to break the snake's spine... did you ever goose a tiger?" % A guy finishes his 9 to 5, but, instead of going straight home, stops in at a local bar for a drink. He gets his beer, turns around to sit down, @@ -251,28 +186,6 @@ to a bar after work and met a gorgeous blonde and we really hit it off. We had a few drinks and went back to her place, and well, see..." "Oh yeah?" she says, "let me see your hands... Don't you lie to me! You've been bowling again!" -% - A guy returns from a long trip to Europe, having left his beloved -dog in his brother's care. The minute he's cleared customs, he calls up his -brother and inquires after his pet. - "Your dog's dead," replies his brother bluntly. - The guy is devastated. "You know how much that dog meant to me," -he moaned into the phone. "Couldn't you at least have thought of a nicer way -of breaking the news? Couldn't you have said, `Well, you know, the dog got -outside one day, and was crossing the street, and a car was speeding around a -corner...' or something...? Why are you always so thoughtless?" - "Look, I'm sorry," said his brother, "I guess I just didn't think." - "Okay, okay, let's just put it behind us. How are you anyway? -How's Mom?" - His brother is silent a moment. "Uh," he stammers, "uh... Mom got -outside one day..." -% - A guy walks into a pub and asks: "Does anyone here own a Doberman? -I feel really bad about this, but my Chihuahua just killed it." - A man leaps to his feet and replies, "Yes, I do, but how can that -be? I raised that dog from a pup to be a vicious killer." - "Yes, well, that's all well and good," replied the first, "but my -dog's stuck in its throat." % A man came home from work and as he entered the house he yelled, "Hi, honey, I'm home." @@ -298,16 +211,6 @@ valleys, verdant farmland and trees everywhere. "This doesn't look so bad," he says. Puzzled, the guide comes over and looks down. "Damn!" he snaps, "Those Mormons have been irrigating again!" -% - A man sank into the psychiatrist's couch and said, "I have a -terrible problem, Doctor. I have a son at Harvard and another son at -Princeton; I've just gifted each of them with a new Ferrari; I've got -homes in Beverly Hills, Palm Beach, and a co-op in New York; and I've -got a thriving ranch in Venezuela. My wife is a gorgeous young actress -who considers my two mistresses to be her best friends." - The psychiatrist looked at the patient, confused. "Did I miss -something? It sounds to me like you have no problems at all." - "But, Doctor, I only make $175 a week." % A man walks into a bar and orders 3 shots and 3 beers. The bartender, seeing that the man is distraught, asks what the problem is. @@ -425,12 +328,6 @@ wrong out there?" "No, Madam," said the doctor. "It's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the East and I was looking to see if another one was going to show up." -% - A priest was walking along the cliffs at Dover when he came upon -two locals pulling another man ashore on the end of a rope. "That's what -I like to see", said the priest, "A man helping his fellow man". - As he was walking away, one local remarked to the other, "Well, -he sure doesn't know the first thing about shark fishing." % A proper elderly English couple visiting Australia decided to hire a car to take a look at the outback. "We know it's rough country, but it's safe @@ -510,20 +407,6 @@ miles and asks the Indian how the hell he knows that. Replies the Indian, "Ear wet." -- Lily Tomlin, "The Search for Signs of Intelligent Life in the Universe" -% - A woman was married to a golfer. One day she asked, "If I were -to die, would you remarry?" - After some thought, the man replied, "Yes, I've been very happy in -this marriage and I would want to be this happy again." - The wife asked, "Would you give your new wife my car?" - "Yes," he replied. "That's a good car and it runs well." - "Well, would you live in this house?" - "Yes, it is a lovely house and you have decorated it beautifully. -I've always loved it here." - "Well, would you give her my golf clubs?" - "No." - "Why not?" - "She's left handed." % A young couple jumped out of their car and dashed into the park. They hurriedly found a secluded spot and began to make frenzied, passionate @@ -536,16 +419,6 @@ my pantyhose." whereupon his father solemnly replied, "When I was young we used to settle for a kiss." The son retorted, "OK, how about $50 for a long low kiss?" -% - After watching an extremely attractive maternity-ward patient -earnestly thumbing her way through a telephone directory for several -minutes, a hospital orderly finally asked if he could be of some help. - "No, thanks," smiled the young mother, "I'm just looking for a -name for my baby." - "But the hospital supplies a special booklet that lists hundreds -of first names and their meanings," said the orderly. - "That won't help," said the woman, "my baby already has a first -name." % All he did was take the ball and run every time they called his number -- which came to be more and more often, and in the Super Bowl Thomas @@ -595,26 +468,6 @@ Returning the following evening, he asked for the same dish. When it was served, he commented to the waiter, "But these -- these cojones -- are much smaller than the ones I had yesterday." "True, senor, but the bull -- he does not ALWAYS lose." -% - An eighty-year-old woman is rocking away the afternoon on her -porch when she sees an old, tarnished lamp sitting near the steps. She -picks it up, rubs it gently, and lo and behold a genie appears! The genie -tells the woman the he will grant her any three wishes her heart desires. - After a bit of thought, she says, "I wish I were young and -beautiful!" And POOF! In a cloud of smoke she becomes a young, beautiful, -voluptuous woman. - After a little more thought, she says, "I would like to be rich -for the rest of my life." And POOF! When the smoke clears, there are -stacks and stacks of money lying on the porch. - The genie then says, "Now, madam, what is your final wish?" - "Well," says the woman, "I would like for you to transform my -faithful old cat, whom I have loved dearly for fifteen years, into a young -handsome prince!" - And with another billow of smoke the cat is changed into a tall, -handsome, young man, with dark hair, dressed in a dashing uniform. - As they gaze at each other in adoration, the prince leans over to -the woman and whispers into her ear, "Now, aren't you sorry you had me -fixed?" % An Israeli soldier was checking travelers' papers on a road, when a man and a heavily pregnant woman on a donkey came by. "Your names please?" @@ -635,20 +488,6 @@ remains of her cat. As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver, "I have a dead pussy." The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said, "Sit with my wife. You two have a lot in common." -% - And Jesus said unto them, "And whom do you say that I am?" - They replied, "You are the eschatological manifestation of the -ground of our being, the ontological foundation of the context of our -very selfhood revealed." - And Jesus replied, "What?" -% - "Anything else, sir?" asked the attentive bellhop, trying his best -to make the lady and gentleman comfortable in their penthouse suite in the -posh hotel. - "No. No, thank you," replied the gentleman. - "Anything for your wife, sir?" the bellhop asked. - "Why, yes, young man," said the gentleman. "Would you bring me -a postcard?" % Are you a Young Urban Professional Woman? If so, you know how Yuppie women are; cold, ruthless bitches with no time for love, and only @@ -727,26 +566,6 @@ times. The fifth night, five times. The sixth night, four times, and the last night, nothing!" "Nothing?" his pal asked. "How come?" "Hey, you ever tried putting a marshmallow in a parking meter?" -% - But among the children of the Great Society there were those whose -skins were black. And lo! Their portion was niggardly, and of the fatted -calf they were sucking hind teat... - Now it came to pass that a prophet rose up amongst them, and they -called him King. And he went unto Pharaoh and said, "Let my people go to -the front of the bus." - But Pharaoh answered: "In the fullness of time and with all -deliberate speed shall this thing come to pass. When ye shall prove -yourselves worthy, shall ye have your just portion -- yea, verily, like -unto a snowball in Hell." - -- "The Begatting of a President" -% - But the reward of a successful collaboration is a thing that -cannot be produced by either of the parties working alone. It is akin -to the benefits of sex with a partner, as opposed to masturbation. The -latter is fun, but you show me anyone who has gotten a baby from playing -with him or herself, and I'll show you an ugly baby, with just a whole -bunch of knuckles. - -- Harlan Ellison % "Can you hammer a 6-inch spike into a wooden plank with your penis?" @@ -778,22 +597,6 @@ something you have done, than to regret something you haven't done. And by the way, if you see your Mom this weekend, would be you sure and tell her, `SATAN, SATAN, SATAN!!!'" -- Butthole Surfers, "Sweat Loaf" -% - Dallas Cowboys Official Schedule - - Sept 14 Pasadena Junior High - Sept 21 Boy Scout Troop 049 - Sept 28 Blind Academy - Sept 30 World War I Veterans - Oct 5 Brownie Scout Troop 041 - Oct 12 Sugarcreek High Cheerleaders - Oct 26 St. Thomas Boys Choir - Nov 2 Texas City Vet Clinic - Nov 9 Korean War Amputees - Nov 15 VA Hospital Polio Patients -% - "Darling," he breathed, "after making love I doubt if I'll -be able to get over you -- so would you mind answering the phone?" % "Darling", said the young bride, "tell me what's bothering you. We promised to share all our joys and sorrows, remember?" @@ -802,11 +605,6 @@ We promised to share all our joys and sorrows, remember?" Now tell me what our problem is." "Well," said the husband, "we've just become the father of a bastard child." -% - "Darling," she whispered, "will you still love me after we are -married?" - He considered this for a moment and then replied, "I think so. -I've always been especially fond of married women." % Desperate about the state of her social life, a young woman resorted to the Personal Ads in the back of her local paper. In the ad she made it @@ -820,25 +618,6 @@ response to her advertisement. "I'm terribly sorry," she stammered, "but my ad was quite explicit. I'm really looking for something of a sexual expert, and you... uh... don't have all the..." "Listen," the man interrupted her, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?" -% - "Don't come back until you have him", the Tick-Tock Man said quietly, -sincerely, extremely dangerously. - They used dogs. They used probes. They used cardio plate crossoffs. -They used teepers. They used bribery. They used stick tites. They used -intimidation. They used torment. They used torture. They used finks. -They used cops. They used search and seizure. They used fallaron. They -used betterment incentives. They used finger prints. They used the -bertillion system. They used cunning. They used guile. They used treachery. -They used Raoul-Mitgong but he wasn't much help. They used applied physics. -They used techniques of criminology. And what the hell, they caught him. - -- Harlan Ellison, "Repent, Harlequin, said the Tick-Tock Man" -% - During a grouse hunt in North Carolina two intrepid sportsmen were -blasting away at a clump of trees near a stone wall. Suddenly a red-face -country squire popped his head over the wall and shouted, "Hey, you almost -hit my wife." - "Did I?" cried one hunter, aghast. "Terribly sorry. Have a shot -at mine, over there." % During a session with a marriage counselor, the wife snapped at her husband: "That's not true, I do enjoy sex!" Then, turning to the counselor, @@ -943,80 +722,6 @@ and the baby would have my name!" "Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and finally decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer." -% - Four Oxford dons were taking their evening walk together and as -usual, were engaged in casual but learned conversation. On this particular -evening, their conversation was about the names given to groups of animals, -such as a "pride of lions" or a "gaggle of geese." - One of the professors noticed a group of prostitutes down the block, -and posed the question, "What name would be given to that group?" The four -fell into silence for a moment, as they pondered the possibilities... - At last, one spoke: "How about 'a Jam of Tarts'?" The others nodded -in acknowledgement as they continued to consider the problem. A second -professor spoke: "I'd suggest 'an Essay of Trollops.'" Again, the others -nodded. A third spoke: "I propose 'a Flourish of Strumpets.'" - They continued their walk in silence, until the first professor -remarked to the remaining professor, who was the most senior and learned of -the four, "You haven't suggested a name for our ladies. What are your -thoughts?" - Replied the fourth professor, "'An Anthology of Prose.'" -% - Friends were surprised, indeed, when Frank and Jennifer broke their -engagement, but Frank had a ready explanation: "Would you marry someone who -was habitually unfaithful, who lied at every turn, who was selfish and lazy -and sarcastic?" - "Of course not," said a sympathetic friend. - "Well," retorted Frank, "neither would Jennifer." -% - "Gentlemen of the jury," said the defense attorney, now beginning -to warm to his summation, "the real question here before you is, shall this -beautiful young woman be forced to languish away her loveliest years in a -dark prison cell? Or shall she be set free to return to her cozy little -apartment at 4134 Mountain Ave. -- there to spend her lonely, loveless hours -in her boudoir, lying beside her little Princess phone, 962-7873?" -% - God built a compelling sex drive into every creature, no matter -what style of fucking it practiced. He made sex irresistibly pleasurable, -wildly joyous, free from fears. He made it innocent merriment. - Needless to say, fucking was an immediate smash hit. Everyone -agreed, from aardvarks to zebras. All the jolly animals -- lions and -lambs, rhinoceroses and gazelles, skylarks and lobsters, even insects, -though most of them fuck only once in a lifetime -- fucked along -innocently and merrily for hundreds of millions of years. Maybe they -were dumb animals, but they knew a good thing when they had one. - -- Alan Sherman, "The Rape of the A*P*E*" -% - God decided to take the devil to court and settle their -differences once and for all. - When Satan heard of this, he grinned and said, "And just -where do you think you're going to find a lawyer?" -% - Harry, a golfing enthusiast if there ever was one, arrived home -from the club to an irate, ranting wife. - "I'm leaving you, Harry," his wife announced bitterly. "You -promised me faithfully that you'd be back before six and here it is almost -nine. It just can't take that long to play 18 holes of golf." - "Honey, wait," said Harry. "Let me explain. I know what I promised -you, but I have a very good reason for being late. Fred and I tee'd off -right on time and everything was fine for the first three holes. Then, on -the fourth tee Fred had a stroke. I ran back to the clubhouse but couldn't -find a doctor. And, by the time I got back to Fred, he was dead. So, for -the next 15 holes, it was hit the ball, drag Fred, hit the ball, drag Fred... -% - Harry constantly irritated his friends with his eternal optimism. -No matter how bad the situation, he would always say, "Well, it could have -been worse." - To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a -situation so completely black, so dreadful, that even Harry could find no -hope in it. Approaching him at the club bar one day, one of them said, -"Harry! Did you hear what happened to George? He came home last night, -found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both, and then turned -the gun on himself!" - "Terrible," said Harry. "But it could have been worse." - "How in hell," demanded his dumfounded friend, "could it possibly -have been worse?" - "Well," said Harry, "if it had happened the night before, I'd be -dead right now." % Harry was delighted when he found a young woman who accepted his proposal of marriage as he was pretty sensitive about his artificial leg @@ -1032,26 +737,6 @@ surprise," smiled the bride. leg, slipped into bed, and placed his wife's hand on the stump. "Hmmmmm," she said softly, "that IS a surprise. But pass me the Vaseline and I'll see what I can do!" -% - "Heard you were moving your piano, so I came over to help." - "Thanks. Got it upstairs already." - "Do it alone?" - "Nope. Hitched the cat to it." - "How would that help?" - "Used a whip." -% - "Hello, Mrs. Premise!" - "Oh, hello, Mrs. Conclusion! Busy day?" - "Busy? I just spent four hours burying the cat." - "Four hours to bury a cat!?" - "Yes, he wouldn't keep still: wrigglin' about, 'owlin'..." - "Oh, it's not dead then." - "Oh no, no, but it's not at all a well cat, and as we're -goin' away for a fortnight I thought I'd better bury it just to be -on the safe side." - "Quite right. You don't want to come back from Sorrento -to a dead cat, do you?" - -- Monty Python % "Hello, Police Department." "This is Thomas Parrish, 903 Sylvester Court. I've just been sexually @@ -1072,30 +757,6 @@ say it, he put that huge thing... It must have been a foot long, and I don't know how thick... into my... Just a minute." "What's the matter, mister?" "Listen, I have to hang up now, he's getting out of the shower." -% - Here is the problem: for many years, the Supreme Court wrestled -with the issue of pornography, until finally Associate Justice John -Paul Stevens came up with the famous quotation about how he couldn't -define pornography, but he knew it when he saw it. So for a while, the -court's policy was to have all the suspected pornography trucked to -Justice Stevens' house, where he would look it over. "Nope, this isn't -it," he'd say. "Bring some more." This went on until one morning when -his housekeeper found him trapped in the recreation room under an -enormous mound of rubberized implements, and the court had to issue a -ruling stating that it didn't know what the hell pornography was except -that it was illegal and everybody should stop badgering the court about -it because the court was going to take a nap. - -- Dave Barry, "Pornography" -% - "How'd you get that flat?" - "Ran over a bottle." - "Didn't you see it?" - "Damn kid had it under his coat." -% - "I believe you have the wrong number," said the old gentleman into -the phone. "You'll have to call the weather bureau for that information." - "Who was that?" his young wife asked. - "Some guy wanting to know if the coast was clear." % "I know a life of crime led me to this sorry state. I blame society. Society made me what I am today!" @@ -1125,64 +786,6 @@ bricks." "Oh, how can you tell?" "Well, last night when she sat on my face, I couldn't hear the stereo." -% - I went into a bar feeling a little depressed, the bartender said, -"What'll you have, Bud"? - I said," I don't know, surprise me". - So he showed me a nude picture of my wife. - -- Rodney Dangerfield -% - "I'm looking for adventure, excitement, beautiful women," cried the -young man to his father as he prepared to leave home. "Don't try to stop me. -I'm on my way." - "Who's trying to stop you?" shouted the father. "Take me along!" -% - In the beginning, God created the Earth and he said, "Let there be -mud." - And there was mud. - And God said, "Let Us make living creatures out of mud, so the mud -can see what we have done." - And God created every living creature that now moveth, and one was -man. Mud-as-man alone could speak. - "What is the purpose of all this?" man asked politely. - "Everything must have a purpose?" asked God. - "Certainly," said man. - "Then I leave it to you to think of one for all of this," said God. - And He went away. - -- Kurt Vonnegut, Between Time and Timbuktu" -% - In the morning, laughing, happy fish heads - In the evening, floating in the soup. -(chorus): -Fish heads, fish heads, roly-poly fish heads; -Fish heads, fish heads, eat them up. Yum! - You can ask them anything you want to. - They won't answer; they can't talk. -(chorus): - I took a fish head out to see a movie, - Didn't have to pay to get it in. -(chorus): - They can't play baseball; they don't wear sweaters; - They aren't good dancers; they can't play drums. -(chorus): - Roly-poly fish heads are NEVER seen drinking cappucino in - Italian restaurants with Oriental women. -(chorus): - Fishy! -(chorus): - -- Fish Heads -% - In what can only be described as a surprise move, God has officially -announced His candidacy for the U.S. presidency. During His press conference -today, the first in over 4000 years, He is quoted as saying, "I think I have -a chance for the White House if I can just get my campaign pulled together -in time. I'd like to get this country turned around; I mean REALLY turned -around! Let's put Florida up north for awhile, and let's get rid of all -those annoying mountains and rivers. I never could stand them!" - There apparently is still some controversy over the Almighty's -citizenship and other qualifications for the Presidency. God replied to -these charges by saying, "Come on, would the United States have anyone other -than a citizen bless their country?" % It seems there were two young Marines walking down the street, and they chanced upon a lady who was both very proper and very well endowed. @@ -1219,21 +822,6 @@ Jewish men?" "Yeah." "Well, Carol, Jewish men are great in bed... right, Bob? And Catholic girls fuck like bunnies." -% - Joan, the rather well-proportioned secretary, spent almost all of -her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit -the frist day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her -way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan. She'd hardly -begun when she heard someone running up the stairs; she was lying on her -stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear. - "Excuse me, miss," said the flustered little assistant manager of -the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't -mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your -wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday." - "What difference does it make," Joan asked rather calmly. "No one -can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel." - "Not exactly," said the embarrassed little man. "You're lying on -the dining room skylight." % Many lower life forms demonstrate qualities that, at first, just don't seem survival oriented. For instance, the female praying mantis, after mating @@ -1291,28 +879,6 @@ spits in the sergeants face. "My husband commits an inconceivable act of perversion with a barnyard animal, and it's not central to my case?!" "Not in California." -% - "My mother," said the sweet young steno, "says there are some things -a girl should not do before twenty." - "Your mother is right," said the executive, "I don't like a large -audience, either." -% - Never ask your lover if he'd dive in front of an oncoming train for -you. He doesn't know. Never ask your lover if she'd dive in front of an -oncoming band of Hell's Angels for you. She doesn't know. Never ask how many -cigarettes your lover has smoked today. Cancer is a personal commitment. - Never ask to see pictures of your lover's former lovers -- especially -the ones who dived in front of trains. If you look like one of them, you are -repeating history's mistakes. If you don't, you'll wonder what he or she saw -in the others. - While we are on the subject of pictures: You may admire the picture -of your lover cavorting naked in a tidal pool on Maui. Don't ask who took -it. The answer is obvious. A Japanese tourist took the picture. - Never ask if your lover has had therapy. Only people who have had -therapy ask if people have had therapy. - Don't ask about plaster casts of male sex organs marked JIMI, JIM, etc. -Assume that she bought them at a flea market. - -- James Peterson and Kate Nolan % Never take a resume seriously. Resumes only make money for the people who write the resumes. No resume ever tells an employer how many @@ -1324,19 +890,6 @@ did the applicant go to TCU? If the applicant is a woman, the employer may simply ask: does she have a tongue that can lick the paint off a dormitory wall? -- Dan Jenkins, "Baja Oklahoma" -% - On the occasion of Nero's 25th birthday, he arrived at the Colosseum -to find that the Praetorian Guard had prepared a treat for him in the arena. -There stood 25 naked virgins, like candles on a cake, tied to poles, burning -alive. "Wonderful!" exclaimed the deranged emperor, "but one of them isn't -dead yet. I can see her lips moving. Go quickly and find out what she is -saying." - The centurion saluted, and hurried out to the virgin, getting as near -the flames as he dared, and listened intently. Then he turned and ran back -to the imperial box. "She is not talking," he reported to Nero, "she is -singing." - "Singing?" said the astounded emperor. "Singing what?" - "Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you..." % Once in a medieval times...there was a King who was getting sort of bored after dinner one night. He decided to hold a contest of who at the @@ -1576,54 +1129,6 @@ coffee?" "Fifty dollars for a cup of coffee, one should be sufficient!", answered the gentleman, rather shortly. "I know", replied the beggar, "but coffee always makes me horny." -% - "That wife of mine is a liar," said the angry husband to a -sympathetic pal seated next to him in a bar. - "How do you know?" the friend asked. - "She didn't come home last night, and when I asked her where -she'd been she said she'd spent the night with her sister Shirley." - "So?" - "So, she's a liar. I spent the night with her sister Shirley." -% - The big problem with pornography is defining it. You can't just -say it's pictures of people naked. For example, you have these -primitive African tribes that exist by chasing the wildebeest on foot, -and they have to go around largely naked, because, as the old tribal -saying goes: "N'wam k'honi soit qui mali," which means, "If you think -you can catch a wildebeest in this climate and wear clothes at the same -time, then I have some beach front property in the desert region of -Northern Mali that you may be interested in." - So it's not considered pornographic when National Geographic -publishes color photographs of these people hunting the wildebeest -naked, or pounding one rock onto another rock for some primitive reason -naked, or whatever. But if National Geographic were to publish an -article entitled "The Girls of the California Junior College System -Hunt the Wildebeest Naked," some people would call it pornography. But -others would not. And still others, such as the Spectacularly Rev. -Jerry Falwell, would get upset about seeing the wildebeest naked. - -- Dave Barry, "Pornography" -% - The defense attorney was hammering away at the plaintiff: -"You claim," he jeered, "that my client came at you with a broken bottle -in his hand. But is it not true, that you had something in YOUR hand?" - "Yes," the man admitted, "his wife. Very charming, of course, -but not much good in a fight." -% - The devout Jew was beside himself because his son had been dating -a shiksa, so he went to visit his rabbi. The rabbi listened solemnly to -his problem, took his hand, and said, "Pray to God." - So the Jew went to the synagogue, bowed his head, and prayed, "God, -please help me. My son, my favorite son, he's going to marry a shiksa, he -sees nothing but goyim..." - "Your son," boomed down this voice from the heavens, "you think -you got problems. What about my son?" -% - The doctor had just finished giving the young man a thorough -physical examination. "The best thing for you to do," the M.D. said, -"is give up drinking, give up smoking, get to bed early and stay away -from women." - "Doc, I don't deserve the best," pleaded his patient. "What's -second best?" % The famous Nell Gwynn, stepping one day from a house where she had made a short visit into her coach, saw a great crowd assembled, and her @@ -1635,28 +1140,6 @@ every day of your life; why, you fool, all the world knows it." "Do they?" cries the fellow, in a muttering voice, after he had shut the coach door, "they shan't call me a whore's footman for all that." -- Henry Fielding, "Tom Jones" -% - The foreman of a lumber camp put a new workman on the circular saw. -As he turned away, he heard the man say, "Ouch!". - "What happened?" - "Dunno," replied the man. "I just stuck out my hand like this, and --- well, I'll be damned. There goes another one!" -% - The honeymooning couple agreed it was a fine day for horseback riding. -After a mile or so, the bride's mount cantered under a low tree and a -branch scraped her forehead lightly. The groom dismounted, glared at his -wife's horse, and said, "That's number one." - The ride then proceeded. After another mile or so, the bride's -horse stumbled over a pebble and the lady suffered a slight jostling. -Again, her man leapt from his saddle and strode over to the nervous animal. -"That's two," he said. - Five miles later, the bride's horse became frightened when a rabbit -crossed its path, reared up and threw the girl. Immediately, the groom was -off his horse. "That's three!", he shouted, and, pulling out a pistol, he -shot the horse between the eyes. - "You brute!" shrieked his bride. "Now I see the kind of man I -married! You're a sadist, that's what!" - The groom turned to her coolly. "That's one," he said. % The man standing at the bar (in court, unfortunately) was well- dressed, alert and obviously intelligent. The judge asked him how he @@ -1712,15 +1195,6 @@ jumping for joy. What a sight seeing her hanging nude from the chandelier! Well the party was OK, I guess, we just sat around drinking sherry and eating candy. Everybody else started feeling merry. Those have got to be the three wildest girls I know. -% - The people of Halifax invented the trampoline. During the Victorian -period the tripe-dressers of Halifax stretched tripe across a large wooden -frame and jumped up and down on it to `tender and dress' it. The tripoline, -as they called it, degenerated into becoming the apparatus for a spectator -sport. - The people of Halifax also invented the harmonium, a device for -castrating pigs during Sunday service. - -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" % The radio was screaming: "Power to the People -- Right On!" John Lennon's political song, ten years too late. "That poor fool should have @@ -1827,29 +1301,6 @@ nudged the second and said, "Hey, look at that! That really looks like fun -- I wish I could do that!" Whereupon the second manager replied, "Well, I don't know... I tried it once, and the damn dog bit me!" -% - "They spend years searching for their natural parents, convinced their -parents will be happy to see them. I mean, really, can you imagine someone -being happy to see an orphan? Nobody wants them... that's why they're orphans!" - The speaker is Anne Baker, founder and guiding force behind -Orphan-Off, an organization dedicated to keeping orphans confused about the -whereabouts of their natural parents. She is a woman with a mission: - "Basically, what we do is band together to exchange information -about which orphans are looking for which parents in what part of the -country. We're completely computerized. - "The idea is to throw the orphans as many red herrings and false -leads as possible. We'll tell some twenty-three-year-old loser that his -real parents can be found at a certain address on the other side of the -country. Well, by the time the kid shows up, the family is prepared. They -look over the kid's photos and information and they say, 'Oh, the Emersons... -yeah, they used to live here... I think they moved out about five years ago. -I think they went to Iowa, or maybe Idaho.' - "Bam, the door shuts in the kid's face and he's back to zero again. -He's got nothing to go on but the orphan's pathetic determination to continue. - "It's really amazing how much these kids will put up with. Last year -we even sent one kid all the way to Australia. I mean, really. Besides, if -your natural parents were Australian, would you want to meet them?" - -- "National Lampoon", September, 1984 % This 600-pound guy decides he can't go on living this way, so he seeks the help of a clinic and proceeds to go on a drastic diet. It works: four @@ -1961,17 +1412,6 @@ deliver this message to the huge, burly driver, whose response was to snarl, "Ah, why doncha suck my cock." "Phil," said Larry, coming back to their car, "I think we're going to be able to settle out of court." -% - Two little kids, aged six and eight, decide it's time to learn how -to swear. So, the eight-year-old says to the six-year-old, "Okay, you say -`ass' and I'll say `hell'". - All excited about their plan, they troop downstairs, where their -mother asks them what they'd like for breakfast. - "Aw, hell," says the eight-year-old, "gimme some Cheerios." -His mother backhands him off the stool, sending him bawling out of the room, -and turns to the younger brother. "What'll you have?" - "I dunno," quavers the six-year-old, "but you can bet your ass -it ain't gonna be Cheerios." % Two longtime friends sipped Scotch in a local bar and talked about their troubles. "And on top of everything else," said the first, "my wife @@ -2021,25 +1461,6 @@ Red Shark toward the shoulder of the highway. No point in mentioning the bats, I thought. The poor bastard will see them soon enough. -- Dr. Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas: A Savage Journey to the Heart of the American Dream" -% - Well, there was this tiger, who woke up one morning, and just felt -great (yes, just like Tony the Tiger: GREAAAAAAT). Anyway, he just felt -so good, he went out and cornered a small monkey and roared at him: "WHO IS -THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?" - And this poor quaking little monkey replied: "You are of course, no -one is mightier than you." - A little while later this tiger confronts a deer, and just bellows out: -"WHO IS THE GREATEST AND STRONGEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?" - The deer is shaking so hard it can barely speak, but manages to -stammer: "Oh great tiger, you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle." - The tiger, being on a roll, swaggered, up to an elephant that was -quietly munching on some weeds, and roared at the top of his voice: "WHO IS -THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE ANIMALS IN THE JUNGLE?" - Well, this elephant grabs the tiger with his trunk, picks him up, slams -him down; picks him up again, and shakes him until the tiger is just a blur of -orange and black; and finally throws him violently into a nearby tree. - The tiger staggers to his feet, looks at the elephant and says: "Man, -you don't have to get so pissed, just because you don't know the answer!" % Well, this woman went to the butcher shop to get some ham for dinner. She asked the butcher what kind of ham he recommended, and the butcher said, @@ -2054,36 +1475,6 @@ suggested that they play a joke on their son. So, at dinner, after grace, the man turned to his wife and said, "Honey, pass the damn ham." Their son looked up, surprised. "WHOAH! Dad be gettin' hip! How 'bout them mother-fuckin' potatoes?" -% - When the surgeon came to see her on the morning after her -operation, the young woman asked him somewhat hesitantly how long -it would be before she could resume her sex life. - "I really haven't thought about it," gulped the stunned surgeon. -"You're the first patient who's asked me that after a tonsillectomy!" -% - When you see someone across the room and suddenly know for a fact -that he's the most wonderful man on earth, you've got instant lust on your -hands. Something about the way his tie is knotted is infinitely intriguing -to you, and the swell of his bicep causes inner turmoil. This is a happy -but fleeting state of affairs. Usually your feelings die about thirty -seconds after you get up the courage to ask him for the time, since almost -invariably he can't speak English, and if he can, he always says, "Why, -sure, little lady, it's eleven-thirty. Wanna get high? - Don't bother thinking that instant lust will turn into the real thing. -It may, but then you may also wake up one morning to find you're the Queen of -Rumania. - -- Cynthia Hemiel, "Sex Tips for Girls" -% - While hunting, a man saw a beautiful nude woman come running out of -the woods and disappear across the clearing. Just as she got out of sight, -three men dressed in white uniforms came running out of the same woods. -"Hey, you," yelled one of them, "did you see a woman come by here?" - "Yes," replied the hunter. "What's the trouble?" - "She's an inmate of the county asylum, and gets loose every now and -then. We're trying to catch her." - "I can understand that," said the hunter, "But why is one of you -carrying a bucket of sand?" - "That's his handicap," said the spokesman, "he caught her last time." % While visiting our country, a lovely French maiden found herself out of money just as her visa expired. Unable to pay her passage back to @@ -2102,28 +1493,6 @@ an explanation. She told him the whole story. "Hmmm," mused the captain. "A clever arrangement, and I must say I admire that young seaman's ingenuity. However, miss, I feel it is only fair to tell you that this is the Staten Island Ferry." -% - "Why did you spend so much time parked in that fellow's car last -night?" demanded the irate mother. -"I could hear the giggling and squealing for a good half hour." - "But, Mom," answered her daughter, "if a fellow takes you to the -movies you ought to at least kiss him good night." - "I thought you went to the Stork Club?" countered the mother. - "We did." -% - With deep concern, if not alarm, Dick noted that his friend -Conrad was drunker than he'd ever seen him before. "What's the trouble, -buddy?", he asked, sliding onto the stool next to his friend. - "It's a woman, Dick," Conrad replied. - "I guessed that much. Tell me about it." - "I can't," Conrad said. But after a few more drinks his tongue -and resolution both seemed to weaken and, turning to his buddy, he said, -"Okay. It's your wife." - "My wife!!" - "Yeah." - "What about her?" - Conrad pondered the question heavily, and draped his arm around -his pal. "Well, buddy-boy," he said, "I'm afraid she's cheating on us." % "Yes, sir, the bowling ball nipple rings in black. Will there be anything else?" @@ -2333,10 +1702,6 @@ your balls. % 69 + 69 = dinner for 4. % -71: - 69 with two fingers up your ass. - -- George Carlin -% 7:30, Channel 5: The Bionic Dog (Action/Adventure) The Bionic Dog drinks too much and kicks over the National Redwood Forest. @@ -2404,18 +1769,6 @@ A bar patron returned from the men's room grumbling to himself. "What do you mean?" the barkeeper asked. "It's rough, it's tough, and it doesn't take shit from nobody." % -A bather whose clothing was strewed -By breezes that left her quite nude, - Saw a man come along - And, unless I am wrong, -You expected this line to be lewd. -% -A bather whose clothing was strewed -By breezes that left her quite nude, - Saw a man come along - And, unless I'm quite wrong, -You expected this line to be lewd. -% A beachcomber of 25 had been shipwrecked on a desert island since the age of six. One day, while in search of food, he stumbled across a beautifully sensuous female lying on the beach nearly naked; she'd been washed ashore from @@ -2433,18 +1786,6 @@ beside her and proceeded to demonstrate. After they had finished, she asked how he had enjoyed it. "Great!" was the reply. "But look what it did to my clamdigger!" % -A beat schizophrenic said, "Me? -I am not I, I'm a tree." - But another, more sane, - Shouted, "I'm a great dane " -And covered his pants leg with pee. -% -A beat schizophrenic said, "Me? -I am not I, I'm a tree." - But another, more sane, - Shouted, "I'm a Great Dane!" -And covered his pants leg with pee. -% A beautiful belle of Del Norte Is reckoned disdainful and haughty Because during the day @@ -2656,10 +1997,6 @@ And was soft as a little duck's fluff. % A chiseler is a man who goes stag to a wife-swapping party. % -A Christian is a man who feels repentance on Sunday for what he did on -Saturday and is going to do on Monday. - -- Thomas Ybarra -% A clergical student named Simms Hums liturgical tunes while he rims: A nice piece of ass @@ -2700,13 +2037,6 @@ Had a rather tough bug in its core. And spewed yards and yards Of illegible tape on the floor. % -A computer, to print out a fact, -Will divide, multiply, and subtract. - But this output can be - No more than debris, -If the input was short of exact. - -- Gigo -% A contortionist hailing from Lynch Used to rent out his tool by the inch. A foot cost a quid -- @@ -2757,12 +2087,6 @@ Had a dooflicker flat as a paddle. A lamb or a duck, But golly! it just fits the cattle." % -A crusader's wife slipped from the garrison -And had an affair with a Saracen. - She was not oversexed, - Or jealous or vexed, -She just wanted to make a comparison. -% A CS student named Lin Had a prick the size of a pin It was no good for girls @@ -2882,20 +2206,6 @@ he smiles and says "Fuck me!" "What?!?!?" she screams. "Raining like hell, isn't it?" % -A figure with curves always offers a lot of interesting angles. -% -A fisherman from Maine went to Alabama on his vacation. He rented a boat, -rowed out to the middle of the lake, and cast his line, but when he looked -down into the water he was horrified to see a man wrapped in chains lying -on the bottom of the lake. He quickly rowed to shore and ran to the police -station. "Sheriff, sheriff," he gasped, there's a guy wrapped in chains, -drowned in the lake!" - "Now ain't that jest like a Yankee," drawled the sheriff, "to steal -more chain than he can swim with?" -% -A fool is a man who worries about whether or not his lover has integrity. -A wise man, on the other hand, busies himself with deeper attributes. -% A friend of mine received a note through the mail advising him, "If you don't stop making love to my wife, I'll kill you." The trouble is, the note wasn't signed. @@ -2918,9 +2228,6 @@ and that's how we'll do it now. A genius is a queer who can whistle while he works. -- Bobby Knight % -A girl's conscience doesn't really keep her from doing anything wrong-- -it merely keeps her from enjoying it. -% A gorgeous young sophomore is having an affair with her English professor. She goes home to visit her family for Christmas vacation and when she gets back, she immediately invites him over for the @@ -3020,8 +2327,6 @@ A hand in a bird is worth two on 'er bush. % A hand in the bush is worth two on the bird. % -A hard man is good to find. -% A huge Rambolike fellow walked into a tavern and took a seat in the middle of the bar. After downing a double in one gulp, he glared at the six men to his right and said, "You're all no-good motherfuckers. Anyone have a problem with @@ -3058,27 +2363,6 @@ she undressed, he noticed that she had no pubic hair. The man shouted, "What, no wool? In my country all women have wool down there." The prostitute snapped back, "What do you want to do, knit or fuck?" % -A lanky Texan was mad because Texas had just become the second largest state in -the Union, so he made up his mind to move to Alaska. He drove for three days -and three nights to get there and finally he came to what looked like the state -line. He halted his car and walked up to the border guard. "Hi, there! How -do I become a resident of this here biggest state?" demanded the Texan. - The guard looked him up and down and grinned. "Waal," he answered, -there are three things you gotta do to get in. First, drink down a quart of -110 proof corn liquor without blinkin'. Second, kill a grizzly bear, and -third, make love to an Eskimo woman." - "Sounds easy enough," said the Texan. "Where can I get a quart of -this here corn liquor?" - "Got one right here," replied the guard. - The Texan gulped down the whiskey without batting an eyelash. -"Now, do you happen to know where I can find me a grizzly?" - "Yep," answered the guard, "there's a big b'ar over that way, 'bout -a mile... lives in a cave on that cliff." - The Texan lurched merrily off. About an hour later he returned -with his clothes almost torn off and his face scratched and bloody. He was -smiling happily. "Now," he roared, "where's that damn Eskimo woman you -want killed?" -% A lisping fag fell off a pleasure yacht and began to scream. "Help! Help, I can't thwim!" One of the other passengers heard the caterwauling and leaned over the rail, remarking, "Really, there's no need to scream. Just reach out @@ -3121,15 +2405,6 @@ Stroke, Mr. Bumpass?" "Well, thet's a technicality of screwin', Judge, thet you're probably not aware of!" % -A lover without indiscretion is no lover at all. - -- Thomas Hardy -% -A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who has never owned a car. - -- Carrie Snow -% -A man always needs to remember one thing about -a beautiful woman. Somewhere, somebody's tired of her. -% A man and a woman got married. Although it is the first time for the husband, it is the woman's second marriage. As they go to bed on their wedding night, the wife says to her husband: @@ -3145,33 +2420,6 @@ a virgin after a marriage to a programmer?" "Well", she said, "all he did was sit on the edge of the bed and tell me how great it was going to be." % -A man arrived home early to find his wife in the arms of his best friend, -who swore how much they were in love. To quiet the enraged husband, the -lover suggested, "Friends shouldn't fight, let's play gin rummy. If I win, -you get a divorce so I can marry her. If you win, I promise never to see -her again. Okay?" - "Alright," agreed the husband. "But how about a quarter a point -on the side to make it interesting?" -% -A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen -or twenty mistakes she's a tramp. - -- Joan Rivers -% -A man goes into a bar and begins to tell a Polish joke. The man sitting -next to him, a big hulking powerhouse, turns and says menacingly, "*I'm* -Polish." - He then calls out, "Ivan! Come over here and bring your brother." -Two men, bigger than the first, appear from the back room. - "Josef!" the man calls out, "come here a second, and bring Lendl -with you." Two more men appear, and all five men crowd around the man with -the joke. - "Now," says the first Polish man, "do you want to finish that joke?" - "Nah," says the man. - "Oh, no? And why not? I'm sure it was very funny," says the Polish -man, opening and closing his fist. "Are you scared?" - "No," replies the man. "I just don't feel like having to explain it -five times." -% A man goes into a hospital for a routine appendectomy. When he wakes up from the anesthesia, he sees a large group of doctors gathered anxiously around his bed. @@ -3186,9 +2434,6 @@ another erection!" "Well, you will, you *will*," reassures the doctor, "but it will, of course, have to be someone else's." % -A man is as old as the woman he feels. - -- Groucho Marx -% A man is driving down the road on his way to Salerno. By the roadside he sees a man hitchhiking and stops to pick him up. As the man gets into his car he suddenly pulls out a gun and makes the driver get out of the car. @@ -3256,42 +2501,6 @@ the money." tears welling up in her eyes. "Only enough to win, honey, only enough to win." % -A man is walking along when he sees a funeral procession going by, the -longest procession he's ever seen. It seems to consist of the hearse, -followed by a man with a Doberman on a leash, followed by several hundred -other men. After watching for a few minutes, he can restrain his curiosity -no longer, and walks up to one of the mourners. - "Excuse me, sir, I don't mean to bother you in your moment of grief, -but this is the strangest procession I've ever seen. What happened, who is -the funeral for?" - "Well, it's nothing special, really, the funeral is for the mother- -in-law of the man at the front of the procession. You see, his Doberman -attacked and killed her." - "That's awful!", replies the onlooker. "But... um... tell me, you -don't think he'd let me borrow that dog, do you?" - "Get in line, buddy," replies the mourner, "get in line." -% -A man is walking down the street when he sees a man with four arms, and -antennae coming out of his head. He goes up to him and says, "You're not -from around here, are you?" - "No," replies the man with the antennae. - "You know," continues the man, "I don't think you're an American, -either. In fact, I bet you don't even come from this planet!" - "Right again," says the man with four arms. "I'm from Mars." - "Well," says the man, "that's quite some configuration you've got -there, with those four arms and those antennae and everything." - "We Martians all have four arms and antennae." - "Well, that's just amazing," replies the man, "and how about that -big gold colored plate in the middle of your chest, what's that, do all -Martians have that?" - "Well, no," says the Martian. "Not the *goyim*." -% -A man marries to have a home, but also because he doesn't want to be -bothered with sex and all that sort of thing. - -- W. Somerset Maugham, "The Circle" -% -A man needs a mistress, just to break the monogamy. -% A man never minds being in the doghouse as long as he can get his tail outside. % @@ -3367,9 +2576,6 @@ out." "Damn!" roared the husband. "You see what I mean? There's *always* that doubt!" % -A man who likes to lie in bed can usually -find a girl willing to listen to him. -% A man with no arms walked into a bar and asked for a beer. The bartender shoved the foaming glass in front of him. "Look," said the customer, "I have no arms -- would you please hold @@ -3383,10 +2589,6 @@ Where is the men's room?" "Up the street to the light," said the bartender, "turn left, walk two blocks, and there's a gas station on the corner." % -A man without a God is like a fish without a bicycle. -% -A man without a woman is like a statue without pigeons. -% A man's father is very, very old, and the son can't afford very good treatment for him, so he's in a rather shabby, run-down nursing home. One day the son wins a lottery -- and the first thing he does is install his father in the best @@ -3406,11 +2608,6 @@ there's just one little problem." % A midget had a date with a very tall girl. It was a quiff-hanger. % -A Mormon is a man that has the bad taste and the religion to do what a good -many other people are restrained from doing by conscientious scruples and -the police. - -- Mr. Dooley -% A mouse was sniffing around in a meadow, when an eagle swooped down, swallowed him whole, and rose up in the air again. The mouse worked his way through until his head was sticking out of the bird's asshole. @@ -3432,36 +2629,6 @@ other men replied. "Why not then?" "That's your day in the barrel." % -A New Yorker is riding down the road in his new Mercedes. So intent is he -on the cocaine in his hand he completely misses a turn and his car plunges -over the five-hundred-foot cliff to be smashed into pieces at the bottom. -As the on-lookers rush to the edge of the cliff they see him fifty feet -from the top of the cliff clinging to a stunted bush with all his strength. -"Dear Lord," he prays, "I never asked you for nothin' before, but I'm askin' -you now: Save me, Lord, save me." - Booms the Lord: "LET GO OF THE BRANCH." - "But Lord, if I do that, I'll fall!" - "TRUST ME, LET GO OF THE BRANCH." - "But Lord, I'm gonna fall and die..." - "TRUST ME TO SAVE YOU. LET GO OF THE BRANCH." - Okay, Lord, I'll trust you, here I... here I go!" And he falls -to his death. - "DUMB YANKEE." -% -A New Yorker was driving through Berkeley when he saw a big crowd gathered -by the side of the street. Curiosity got the better of him and he leaned -out of his window to ask an onlooker what was going on. The fellow explained -that a protestor against the U.S. position in South America had doused -himself with gasoline and set himself on fire. "That's terrible," gasped -the man. "But why is everyone still standing around?" - "Well, they're taking up a collection for his wife and kids," the -onlooker explained. "Would you be willing to help?" - "Well, sure," replied the New Yorker. "I suppose I could spare a -gallon or two." -% -A non-vegetarian anti-abortionist is a contradiction in terms. - -- Phyllis Schlafly -% A Norse god decides to assume human form, come down from Valhalla, and check out the local action. He finds himself in the piano bar of Caesar's Boardwalk Regency in Atlantic City, and sits down to sip an Acquavit or two. After a few @@ -3524,8 +2691,6 @@ daughter and says, "Well, Cindy, you've heard that word before, haven't you?" "Yes," the daughter replies, "but never in anger." % -A nymph hits you and steals your virginity. -% A pair of suburban couples who had known each other for quite some time talked it over and decided to do a little conjugal swapping. The trade was made the following evening and the newly arranged couples retired to @@ -3536,12 +2701,6 @@ said: "Well, I wonder how the boys are getting along?" A pederastic necrophiliac is a gentleman who is true to the very end of the end of a friend. % -A perfectly honest woman, a woman who never flatters, who never manages, -who never cajoles, who never conceals, who never uses her eyes, who never -speculates on the effect which she produces, who never is conscious of -unspoken admiration, what a monster, I say, would such a female be! - -- Thackeray -% A performing octopus could play the piano, the zither and a piccolo, and his trainer wanted him to add the bagpipe to his accomplishments. With this in mind, a bagpipe was placed in the octopus's room, and the trainer awaited @@ -3552,9 +2711,6 @@ the next morning, he asked the octopus, "Play it!" retorted the octopus. "I've been trying to lay it all night!" % -A person who has both feet planted firmly -in the air can be safely called a liberal. -% A policeman is walking his beat when he finds an inebriated man collapsed against a building, weeping uncontrollably and holding his car keys in his hands. He's moaning something about how "They took my car!" Seeing that @@ -3570,8 +2726,6 @@ down to the stat... Mister, your fly's unzipped and you're exposing yourself!" "Oh my God, they stole my girlfriend!" % -A pretty woman can do anything; an ugly woman must do everything. -% A proctologist is a doctor who puts in a hard day at the orifice. % A programmer down in Moline @@ -3587,34 +2741,6 @@ Held classes each evening for sinners. So the vile and debased Would not be held back by beginners. % -A rabbi and a priest are sitting together on a train, and the rabbi leans -over and asks, "So, how high can you advance in your organization?" - The priest replies, "Well, if I am lucky, I guess I could become a -Bishop." - "Well, could you get any higher than that?" - "I suppose that if my works are seen in a very good light that I -might be made an Archbishop." - "Is there any way that you might go higher than that?" - "If all the Saints should smile, I guess I could be made a Cardinal." - "Could you be anything higher than a Cardinal?" - Hesitating a little bit, the priest said, "I supose that I could -be elected Pope, but only if it's God's will." - "And could you be anything higher than that, is there any way to go -up from being the Pope?" - "What?! I should be the Messiah himself?!" - The rabbi leaned back and smiled. "One of our boys made it." -% -A real estate agent, looking over a farmer's house for possible sale, -commented to the farmer how sturdy the house looked. - The farmer replied, "Yep, built it with my bare hands... did it -the hard way. The steps to the front door, here, carved 'em out of -field stones... did it the hard way. That hardwood floor in the living -room, dovetailed the pieces myself... did it the hard way. The ceiling -beams, made 'em out of my own oak trees... did it the hard way." - Just then, the farmer's gorgeous daughter walked in. The farmer -looks over at the real estate agent who is trying not to stare too -obviously and smiles. "Yep... standing up in a canoe." -% A retired schoolteacher finally decided that she was tired of living alone and wanted some companionship, so after a good deal of thought she decided to visit the local pet shop. The owner suggested a parrot, with which she @@ -3735,8 +2861,6 @@ quiet. In the embarrassing hush, all eyes were upon him. "What's the matter? I thought all you fellows did this!" "Yeah, but that's Black Bart's girl," replied the barkeep. % -A stunning blonde, but probably all bean dip above the eyebrows. -% A sweet young schoolteacher who had always been virtuous was invited to go for a ride in the country with the gym instructor, whom she admired. Under a tree on the bank of a quiet lake, she struggled with her conscience and @@ -3797,28 +2921,12 @@ A virtuous abstinence from the joys of pederasty comes most easily to those who have no taste for it. -- Oscar Wilde % -A widow is more sought after than an old maid of the same age. - -- Addison -% -A wife lasts only for the length of the marriage, but an ex-wife is there -*for the rest of your life*. - -- Jim Samuels -% A witty writer, K. Kraus in the Vienna "Fackel", has as it were, expressed this truth paradoxically in the cynical saying: "Coitus is merely an unsatisfactory substitute for onanism!" -- Sigmund Freud, attempting to explain why masturbation is "by no means harmless" % -A woman can never be too rich or too thin. -% -A woman employs sincerity only when every other form of deception has failed. - -- Scott -% -A woman forgives the audacity of which -her beauty has prompted us to be guilty. - -- LeSage -% A woman had a followup visit with her doctor after his prescribing fairly high dosages of testosterone (a male hormone) for her. She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing. @@ -3829,10 +2937,6 @@ much. I've started growing hair in places that I've never grown hair before!" side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?" "On my balls." % -A woman has got to love a bad man once or twice in her life to be -thankful for a good one. - -- Marjorie Kinnan Rawlings -% A woman is driving down the street, her ten-year-old daughter belted into the passenger seat. The daughter asks "Mommy, how old are you?" The mother says "That's a personal question. It's not nice to ask @@ -3854,13 +2958,6 @@ her mother returns they drive off. The little girl comments: "You *do*?" "Yes," said the daughter. "Because you flunked sex!" % -A woman is like a dresser... some man always goin' through her drawers. - -- Blind Lemon Pledge -% -A woman is like your shadow; follow her, -she flies; fly from her, she follows. - -- Chamfort -% A woman must be a cute, cuddly, naive little thing -- tender, sweet, and stupid. -- Adolf Hitler @@ -3869,11 +2966,6 @@ A woman occasionally is quite a serviceable substitute for masturbation. It takes an abundance of imagination, to be sure. -- Karl Kraus, "Die Fackel" % -A woman of generous character will sacrifice her life a thousand times -over for her lover, but will break with him for ever over a question of -pride -- for the opening or the shutting of a door. - -- Stendhal -% A woman takes off her claim to respect along with her garments. -- Herodotus % @@ -3886,12 +2978,6 @@ love, without virtue, without sex. A woman who is unfaithful deserves to be shot. -- Pancho Villa % -A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle. - -- Gloria Steinem -% -A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle. -Therefore, a man without a woman is like a bicycle without a fish. -% A woman's a woman until the day she dies, but a man's only a man as long as he can. -- Moms Mabley @@ -3956,8 +3042,6 @@ received a telegram from their sister. It read: when the shower went cold five minutes after it started. But I'm going to kill whoever put the novicaine into the KY jelly... % -A.A.A.A.A.: An organization for drunks who drive. -% Aboard the good ship Venus, The cabin boy, the captain's joy, The mast it was a penis, A cunning little nipper, Her figurehead They filled his ass, @@ -3979,12 +3063,6 @@ Carter the farter would start her! For conking in the brandy! AC/DC is a rock band. -- Bisexuality, 101 % -Achilles' Biological Findings: - (1) If a child looks like his father, that's heredity. - If he looks like a neighbor, that's environment. - (2) A lot of time has been wasted arguing over what came first - -- the chicken or the egg. It was undoubtedly the rooster. -% Adam's Law: (1) Women don't know what they want; they don't like what they have got. @@ -4029,8 +3107,6 @@ be my own daughter." He smiled into the young girl's deep blue eyes. like you doing in a hotel like this?" "Oh, about $2000 a week, with tips." % -After I run your program, let's make love like crazed weasels, OK? -% After Joan and Max had been married for 25 years, Max became disinterested in sex, and his libido began to wan dramatically. In desperation, Joan hauled him to a marriage counselor, who listened patiently to Joan's complaints @@ -4092,8 +3168,6 @@ Ah spring, when a fancy young man lightly turns his lover over. % AI hackers do it robotically. % -AI hackers do it with robots. -% Al Gore resembled a Vulcan desperately in need of a blow job. -- Bobcat Goldthwait % @@ -4124,9 +3198,6 @@ the popularity of this field of study in computer science. alimony, n: Having an ex you can bank on. % -All a hacker needs is a tight PUSHJ, -a loose pair of UUOs, and a warm place to shift. -% All husbands are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell them apart. % @@ -4355,8 +3426,6 @@ Saw sartorial changes ahead. Soft fruit also filled him with dread. -- J. Walker, "The Love Song Of J. Alfred Prufrock" % -An Army travels on her stomach. -% An encounter with a beautiful woman is good medicine for the well organized logical mind -- a little jolt never hurt. Note that the anarchists have been saying this for years about the A-bomb and civilization. @@ -4479,12 +3548,6 @@ bar. He slams his fist on the bar and hollers, "I'm so thirsty, I could lick the sweat off of a bulls' balls!" From the back of the bar comes the cry... "Moo, moo, buckaroooooo!!!" % -anxiety, n: - The first time you can't do it a second time. - -panic, n: - The second time you can't do it the first time. -% Any girl who believes that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach is obviously setting her standards too high. % @@ -4592,14 +3655,6 @@ brakes." % As they say about Dungeons and Dragons, "Life's a die, and then you bitch." % -Ask your boss to reconsider -- -It's so difficult to take "Go to hell" for an answer. -% -Asked by reporters about his upcoming marriage to a forty-two-year-old -woman, director Roman Polanski told reporters, "The way I look at it, -she's the equivalent of three fourteen-year-olds." - -- David Letterman -% ASS: The masculine of "lass". % @@ -4666,18 +3721,6 @@ B4 I4Q, RU/18 QT 3.14 Bachelors' wives and old maids' children are always perfect. -- Nicolas Chamfort % -Back in the good ole days in Texas, when stagecoaches and the like was -popular, there were three people in a stagecoach one day: a true red- -blooded born and bred Texas gentleman, a tenderfoot city-slicker from -back East, and a beautiful and well-endowed Texas lady. The city-slicker -kept eyeing the lady, and finally he leaned forward and said, "Lady, I'll -give you $10 for a blow job." - The Texas gentleman looked appalled, pulled out his pistol, and -killed the city-slicker on the spot. The lady gasped and said, "Thank -you, suh, for defendin' mah honor!" - Whereupon the Texan holstered his gun and said, "Your honor, hell! -No tenderfoot is gonna come 'round here raisin' the price of women in Texas!" -% Balls Law: The angle of the dangle is directly proportional to the heat of the meat provided that the thrusts of the busts are constant. @@ -4686,14 +3729,6 @@ BALTIMORE: Where the women wear turtleneck sweaters to hide their flea collars. % -Bankers do it with interest (penalty for early withdrawal). -% -Be prepared... that's the Boy Scout's solemn creed. -Be prepared... to be clean in word and deed. -Don't solicit for your sister, that's not nice, -Unless you get a good percentage of her price. - -- Tom Lehrer -% BEAT ME, BITE ME, WHIP ME, FUCK ME!!! % Beat me, bite me, whip me, fuck me, make me write bad checks! @@ -4743,11 +3778,6 @@ To actual women it is merely a good excuse not to play football. % Bend over and take it like a man! % -Beneath this stone a virgin lies, -For her life held no terrors. -A virgin born, a virgin died: -No hits, no runs, no errors. -% Beneath this stone lies Murphy, They buried him today, He lived the life of Riley, @@ -4805,11 +3835,6 @@ Ever since the dog ate the baby, % Blow it out your ass! % -Board the windows, up your car insurance, and don't leave any booze in plain -sight. It's St. Patrick's day in Chicago again. The legend has it that St. -Patrick drove the snakes out of Ireland. In fact, he was arrested for drunk -driving. The snakes left because people kept throwing up on them. -% BOHICA: Bend over, here it comes again. % @@ -4869,13 +3894,6 @@ brunette bush, n: bug, n: A son of a glitch. % -Build a better mousetrap, the saying goes -- and with the brassiere, Yankee -Ingenuity did exactly that. But their true stroke of genius was the new bait. -The old fashioned mousetrap was loaded with cheese; nobody cares much about -cheese, except mice. But when American know-how reloaded the brassiere with -tits, every heterosexual male in the country was hopelessly trapped. - -- Alan Sherman, "The Rape of the A*P*E*" -% "But if it's 80% glucose, then why does it taste salty?" -- Anonymous med school student. % @@ -4908,9 +3926,6 @@ Call for Ms. Lingus, Ms. Connie Lingus... callgirl, n: A negotiable blond. % -Calvin Coolidge looks as if he had been weaned on a pickle. - -- Alice Roosevelt Longworth -% Camille's Axiom: If you haven't asked yourself, "Why the hell did I go to college anyway?", you must be teaching. @@ -4934,8 +3949,6 @@ Fortune updates the great quotes: #53. Candy is dandy; but liquor is quicker, and sex won't rot your teeth. % -Captain Hook died of jock itch. -% "Carefully study these two enlarged photographs on display, Mr. Rafferty," the attorney for a politician suing a newspaper for libel instructed his client on the witness stand, "and indicate which is your ass and which is @@ -4952,8 +3965,6 @@ Qui fit un petit mannequin: Who fashioned a small doll: En effet, absolument la fin. In effect, the absolute end. -- Edward Gorey % -Chaste makes waste. -% Chastity: The most unnatural of the sexual perversions. -- Aldous Huxley @@ -4978,23 +3989,6 @@ yeah." He silently finished his drink and left. The bartender said, "You know, even the transvestites in this town have five o'clock shadows." % -Chipmunks roasting on an open fire -Jack Frost ripping up your nose -Yuletide carolers being thrown in the fire -And folks dressed up like buffaloes -Everybody knows a turkey slaughtered in the snow -Helps to make the season right -Tiny tots with their eyes all gouged out -Will find it hard to see tonight -They know that Santa's on his way -He's loaded lots of guns and bullets on his sleigh -And every mother's child is sure to spy -To see if reindeer really scream when they die -And so I'm offering this simple phrase -To kids from one to ninety two -Although it's been said many times, many ways -Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Fuck you!! -% Chorus: I don't want to join the army, I don't want to go to war, I'd rather sit around, pickin' dillies off the ground, @@ -5016,18 +4010,10 @@ Oh, blimey... [chorus] % -CHRIST: - A man who was born at least 5,000 years ahead of his time. -% Christ died for our sins. Dare we make his martyrdom meaningless by not committing them? -- Jules Feiffer % -CHRISTIAN: - One who believes that the New Testament is a divinely inspired - book, admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbor. - -- Ambrose Bierce -% CHRISTIAN: One who follows the teachings of Christ in so far as they are not inconsistent with a life of sin. @@ -5057,17 +4043,6 @@ Cinderella 10: % Clark Kent is a transvestite. % -Clarke's Third Law: - Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from - magic. - -G's Third Law: - In spite of all evidence to the contrary, the entire universe - is composed of only two basic substances: magic and bullshit. - -H's Dictum: - There is no magic ... -% Claude believed that only smart attractive people had the right to fuck, and it sincerely hurt him when he discovered evidence to the contrary. -- Tom Robbins, "Jitterbug Perfume" @@ -5077,31 +4052,8 @@ Cleveland still lives. God MUST be dead. clitoris, n: A haired trigger. % -CLONE OF MY OWN (to Home on the Range) - -Oh, give me a clone -Of my own flesh and bone - With the Y chromosome changed to X. -And when she is grown, -My very own clone, - We'll be of the opposite sex. -Chorus: - Clone, clone of my own, - With the Y chromosome changed to X. - And when we're alone, - Since her mind is my own, - She'll be thinking of nothing but sex. - -- Randall Garrett -% Close the door, let me give you what you've been waiting for!! % -COCAINE: - The thinking man's Dristan. -% -Cocaine -- the thinking man's Dristan. -% -Cocaine is nature's way of telling you you have too much money. -% Cocaine isn't habit forming. I should know -- I've been using it for years. -- Tallulah Bankhead % @@ -5117,8 +4069,6 @@ Coffee without caffeine. Beer without alcohol. Milk without fat. What's next? Bridal suites with bunk beds? -- Orben's Current Comedy % -Coito ergo sum -% coitus interruptus, n: A jerky movement following the words (by either sex partner) "I want to have your child." @@ -5140,9 +4090,6 @@ COLD: cold, adj: When your dog sticks to the fire hydrant. % -College is like a woman -- you work so hard to get in, -and nine months later you wish you'd never come. -% Come along and sing a song and join our family. B & D S & M @@ -5187,8 +4134,6 @@ COMMENT: six months later. Only the weak-minded need them, according to those who think they aren't. % -Communists do it without class. -% Computer scientists are programmed to do it by macro insertion. % computerfirm nymphomaniac, n: @@ -5372,8 +4317,6 @@ From beating my meat, against the seat, Of a bicycle built for two. -- "Daisy, Daisy", "The Dirty Song Book" % -Dallas still lives. God MUST be dead. -% Dame Catherine of Ashton-on-Lynches Got on with her grooms and her wenches: She went down on the gents, @@ -5468,14 +4411,6 @@ one minister said there are 350 different sins. My husband wants to know if you can get the list. He thinks he is missing something. -- E.J. Mayfield % -Dear Lord, observe this bended knee -This visage meek and humble, -And hear this confidential plea -Voiced in reverent mumble: - Give me Shylock, give me Fagin - But O God spare me Ronald Reagan! - -- Ansel Adams -% Dear Miss Manners: Please list some tactful ways of removing a man's saliva from your face. @@ -5557,10 +4492,6 @@ Found the body. Did you know that some people your age have sex thirty-seven times in a week? And die immediately after? % -Did you know that Spiro Agnew is an anagram of "Grow a Penis"? -% -Did you know that there are 71.9 acres of nipple tissue in the U.S.? -% Dig it, first they killed those pigs, then they ate dinner in the same room with them, then they even shoved a fork in a victim's stomach. Wild! -- Bernadine Dohrn, on the Manson killings @@ -5585,8 +4516,6 @@ UP PERISCOPE!!! divorce, n: A change of wife. % -Do infants have as much fun in infancy as adults do in adultery? -% Do married women make the best wives? % Do not permit a woman to ask forgiveness, for that is only the first @@ -5599,20 +4528,9 @@ And stopped the bastard, The bitch that bore him is in heat again. -- Bertolt Brecht % -Do something big -- fuck a giant. -% -"Do you cheat on your wife?" asked the psychiatrist. -"Who else?" answered the patient. -% Do you smoke after sex? Why, do you know, I've never looked! % -Doctors take two aspirin and do it in the morning. -% -Documentation is like sex: when it is good, it is very, -very good; and when it is bad, it is better than nothing. - -- Dick Brandon -% Does he treat your breasts like unripe grapefruit? Who needs him? -- `J', "The Sensuous Woman" % @@ -5641,9 +4559,6 @@ idea that I'm knocking the American system. Don't knock masturbation -- it's sex with someone I love. -- Woody Allen % -Don't let your mouth write no check that your tail can't cash. - -- Bo Diddley -% Don't look now -- your office mate is a pederast!!! % Don't look now, but your mother is having sex with a horse. @@ -5715,31 +4630,9 @@ Eighteen goddess-like daughters are not equal to one son with a hump. Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe. -- Jackie Mason % -Eleven reasons a cucumber is better than a man: - 1) Cucumbers can stay up all night, - and you won't have to sleep in the wet spot. - 2) Cucumbers don't play the guitar and try to find themselves. - 3) You won't find out later that your cucumber - ...is married - ...is on penicillin - ...likes you -- but loves your brother! - 4) A cucumber won't care what time of the month it is. - 5) A cucumber never wants to get it on when your nails are wet. - 6) Cucumbers don't say "Let's keep trying until we have a boy". - 7) Cucumbers won't tell you size doesn't count. - 8) A cucumber won't leave you for a cheerleader or an ex-nun. - 9) Cucumbers don't fall asleep on your chest or drool on the pillow. - 10) Cucumbers don't care if you make more money than they do. - 11) With a cucumber, the toilet seat is always the way you left it. -% embarrassment, n: Finding out your German Shepherd has the clap. % -Equality is not when a female Einstein gets promoted to assistant -professor; equality is when a female schlemiel moves ahead as fast -as a male schlemiel. - -- Ewald Nyquist -% Erogenous zone, n: The skin you touch to love. % @@ -5758,8 +4651,6 @@ Wired home for two punts, one canoe. Said, "Girls on the way, But what the hell's a `panoe'?" % -Evangelists do it with Him watching. -% Even bytes get lonely for a little bit. % Evening hours "all clear" for romance! @@ -5896,15 +4787,6 @@ Feminism, n: % Feminists just want the human race to be a tie. % -Feminists say 60 percent of the country's wealth is in the hands of -women. They're letting men hold the other 40 percent because their -handbags are full. - -- Earl Wilson -% -Fie for shame, -you lascivious, lewd, lecherous, -libidinous, lustful, licentious, dirty bum!! -% Fig Newton. % Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity. @@ -5968,8 +4850,6 @@ A circus performer named Blair, To the end of his cock, And shattered a balcony chair. % -Floppy now, hard later. -% Folks, what can I tell you about my next guest. This cat allowed himself to be adored, but not loved. And his success in show business was matched by failure in his personal relationship bag, now that's where he really @@ -6031,21 +4911,12 @@ That failed; he gave Lava a trial. For contagious V.D. Is the wonder drug sulfa-denial. % -For the sores on his prick he used Dial. -That failed; he gave Lava a trial. - But the one remedy - For contagious V.D. -Is the wonder drug sulfa-denial. -% "For the tenth time, dull Daphnis," said Chloe, "You have told me my bosom is snowy; You have made much fine verse on Each part of my person, Now do something -- there's a good boy!" % -fornication, n: - Term used by people who don't have anybody to screw with. -% FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #15 Sex: @@ -6175,18 +5046,6 @@ there. He mentions that his wife is from Green Bay. You: (c) Pull a pair of lacey underwear from your pocket and ask if he recognizes the label. % -FORTUNE TESTS THE GREAT MANAGERS: #9 - -You are making a sales presentation to a group of corporate executives -in the plushest office you've ever seen. The enchillada casserole and -egg salad sandwich you had for lunch react, creating severe pressure. -Your sphincter loses control and you break wind, causing the glass -bookcase doors to shatter and a secretary to pass out. You: - - (a) Offer to come back next week when the smell has gone away. - (b) Point to the Chief Executive and accuse him of the offense. - (c) Challenge anyone in the room to do better. -% Fortune understands that the vote on a bill to legalize bisexuality could go either way. % @@ -6305,11 +5164,6 @@ Donna Rice home. GAY: One who'd rather swish than fight. % -GEMINI (May 21 - June 20) - You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because -you are bisexual. However, you are inclined to expect too much for too -little. This means you are cheap. Geminis are known for committing incest. -% Gentlemen prefer blondes, but who says blondes prefer gentlemen? -- Mae West % @@ -6323,10 +5177,6 @@ foot of the bed, he felt a tug at his trouser leg. Glancing down, he saw another female even homelier than the one he'd left in bed. She gazed up at him soulfully, and asked, "Nothing for the bridesmaid?" % -George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but he -also admitted doing it. Now, do you know why his father didn't punish him? -Because George still had the axe in his hand. -% GEORGIA: Where kinky sex means getting laid. % @@ -6359,9 +5209,6 @@ GET OFF THE FUCKING SYSTEM THIS INSTANT, YOU ASSHOLE!!!! Get your bytes from our backend! -- Britton Lee % -Getting an education at the University of California -is like having $50.00 shoved up your ass, a nickel at a time. -% Getting Cheryl to shed her apparel Is like shooting goldfish in a barrel. But her genital area @@ -6423,8 +5270,6 @@ Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you. % Give me Librium or give me Meth. % -Give me the Luxuries, and the Hell with the Necessities! -% GLEE CLUB GROUPIE: A girl into choral sex. % @@ -6437,12 +5282,6 @@ maintainers). Go out with girls Dutch treat -- pay for dinner, drinks, and the movie, and the rest of the evening is on her. % -God is a polytheist. -% -God is an atheist. -% -God is not dead! He's alive and autographing bibles at Cody's. -% God is not dead -- he's been busted. % God is omnipotent, omniscient, and omnibenevolent -- it says so right here @@ -6451,25 +5290,6 @@ divine attributes simultaneously, I have a wonderful bargain for you. No checks, please. Cash and in small bills. -- Lazarus Long % -God isn't dead, he just couldn't find a parking place. -% -God isn't dead, He's just trying to avoid the draft. -% -God made the world in six days, and was arrested on the seventh. -% -God must love assholes -- She made so many of them. -% -God wanted to have a holiday, so He asked St. Peter for suggestions on -where to go. - "Why not go to Jupiter?" asked St. Peter. - "No, too much gravity, too much stomping around," said God. - "Well, how about Mercury?" - "No, it's too hot there." - "Okay," said St. Peter, "What about Earth?" - "No," sighed God, "They're such horrible gossips. When I was -there 2000 years ago, I had an affair with a Jewish woman, and they're -still talking about it." -% God wants us to know that if we see a bumper sticker saying "Honk if you love Jesus" it is a bad idea to honk to express an opinion about Jesus because it will annoy the turkey who put the bumper sticker on as well as everyone else @@ -6526,8 +5346,6 @@ Don't both tie yourselves, even if you can manage it -- you might not be able to get loose. -- The Joy of Sex % -Good day for water sports. Take a bath with a friend. -% Good evening Ladies and Gentlemen! Here's a little number I tossed up in the Carribean recently... @@ -6572,26 +5390,6 @@ Gorbachev threw up the sash and again addressed the sun, "Good evening to you, Comrade Sun!". Once more the great voice boomed out, "Fuck you, asshole! I'm in the West now!" % -Grain grows best in shit. - -- U.K. LeGuin -% -Gravity is a myth, the Earth sucks. -% -Gravity is an unforgiving motherfucker. -% -great lover, n: - A man who can breathe through his ears. -% -GREAT MOMENTS IN AMERICAN HISTORY (#21): July 30, 1917 - -On this day, New York City hotel detectives burst in and caught then -Senator Warren G. Harding in bed with an underage girl. He bought -them off with a $20 bribe, and later remarked thankfully, "I thought -I wouldn't get out of that under $1000!" Always one to learn from -his mistakes, in later years President Harding carried on his affairs -in a tiny closet in the White House Cabinet Room while Secret Service -men stood lookout. -% Gross, adj.: When your bloody mary still has the string in it. % @@ -6607,16 +5405,8 @@ HACKER: % Hackers do it bottom-up. % -Hackers do it with all sorts of characters. -% -Hackers do it with bugs. -% -Hackers do it with fewer instructions. -% Hackers have kernel knowledge. % -Hackers know all the right MOVs. -% Half the posts to this group are about masturbation and the other half are about penis size. And what I want to know is, if all you're doing is jerking off, why do you care how big it is? @@ -6642,14 +5432,6 @@ Hangover, n: HAPPINESS: Having your Herpes (Type II) test come back negative. % -Hardly a pure science, history is closer to animal husbandry than it is to -mathematics, in that it involves selective breeding. The principal difference -between the husbandryman and the historian is that the former breeds sheep -or cows or such, and the latter breeds (assumed) facts. The husbandryman uses -his skills to enrich the future; the historian uses his to enrich the past. -Both are usually up to their ankles in bullshit. - -- Tom Robbins -% Harold had never wanted a woman so much in his life, upon overhearing the 22- year-old beauty remark that he was too old and out of shape for her. The determined septuagenarian immediately embarked upon a rigorous self-improvement @@ -6739,14 +5521,6 @@ He lights up the proceedings, And raises the temperature. -- The Birthday Party, "Sonny's Burning" % -Having discovered the possibility that other creatures could be used -for sexual intercourse, early man was likely to have made many such -attempts... though it is doubtful that he was so sexually carnivorous -as the Christian and Jewish Adam, who, rabbinical interpreters of the -Old Testament tell us, had intercourse with every creature before God -finally hit upon the idea of woman and created Eve. - -- R.E. Masters -% Having lost his potency years before, the octogenarian was desperate to satisfy his new 18-year-old wife. He visited a gypsy woman with magical powers. @@ -6839,12 +5613,6 @@ great!" The man replied, "Man, it ain't nothin'! You shoulda been here a week ago and seen the guy with the chicken!" % -He hated to mend, so young Ned -Called in a cute neighbor instead. - Her husband said, "Vi, - When you stitched up his torn fly, -Did you have to bite off the thread?" -% He played smooch and stinkfinger with Daisy Till this virgin was gotch-eyed and hazy. Then his gargantuan pole in @@ -6864,18 +5632,8 @@ He was the world's only armless sculptor. He put the chisel in his mouth and his wife hit him on the back of the head with a mallet. -- Fred Allen % -He wasn't much of an actor, he wasn't much of a Governor -- -Hell, they HAD to make him President of the United States. -It's the only job he's qualified for! - -- Michael Cain -% He who farts in church must sit in his own pew. % -He who findeth sensuous pleasures in the bodies of lush, hot, -pink damsels is not righteous, but he can have a lot more fun. -% -He who sneezes without a handkerchief takes matters into his own hands. -% He who trains his tongue to quote the learned sages, will be known far and wide as a smart ass. -- Howard Kandel @@ -6892,10 +5650,6 @@ Hear about... the absent minded nurse who made the patient without disturbing the bed? % -Hear about... - the absent minded sculptor who put his model to bed and - started chiseling on his wife? -% Hear about... the absent-minded exhibitionist who was arrested for exposing his whatchamacalit? @@ -7260,24 +6014,9 @@ Had morals the city might soften. Are you living in sin?" Lynn said, "No -- but I visit there often." % -Her kisses left something to be desired: the rest of her. -% Here I sit, my cheeks a flexin', Just gave birth to another Texan. % -Here is the problem: for many years, the Supreme Court wrestled with the issue -of pornography, until finally Associate Justice John Paul Stevens came up with -the famous quotation about how he couldn't define pornography, but he knew it -when he saw it. So for a while, the court's policy was to have all the -suspected pornography trucked to Justice Stevens' house, where he would look it -over. "Nope, this isn't it," he'd say. "Bring some more." This went on until -one morning when his housekeeper found him trapped in the recreation room under -an enormous mound of rubberized implements, and the court had to issue a ruling -stating that it didn't know what the hell pornography was except that it was -illegal and everybody should stop badgering the court about it because the -court was going to take a nap. - -- Dave Barry, "Pornography" -% Here's a toast to Screwy Dick, The man who was born with a corkscrew prick. He spent his life in a futile hunt, @@ -7405,11 +6144,6 @@ Jewish, when the sun's real name is Sol? % How come if you're horny it's lust, but if she's horny it's affection? % -How do you like the new America? We've cut the fat out of the -government, and more recently the heart and brain (the backbone was -gone some time ago). All we seem to have left now is muscle. -We'll be lucky to escape with our skins! -% How should they answer? -- Abigail Van Buren (Dear Abby) in reply to the question "Why do Jews always answer a question with a question?" @@ -7423,11 +6157,6 @@ HOW TO REMOVE STAINS -- #28 be sure to turn the power off if you have to clean between the keys. % -Howard Cosell's biggest protrusion is his asshole. - -- John Valby -% -Hugh Hefner is a virgin. -% Hunters make the best lovers; they go deeper into the bush, shoot more often and *always* eat what they shoot. % @@ -7436,10 +6165,6 @@ Hypocrisy is the vaseline of social intercourse. hypocrite, n: A man who says he likes cats, but won't eat pussy. % -I believe that Ronald Reagan will someday make this -country what it once was... an arctic wilderness. - -- Steve Martin -% I bet you think you're pretty cool driving around without auto insurance. You're probably saying to yourself, "I'm beating the system." But what's going to happen when you get pulled over and lose your license because @@ -7460,13 +6185,6 @@ about Communism. We can't restrain him when he's angry -- and he has his hand on the nuclear button." -- Richard Nixon % -I came; I saw; I fucked up. -% -I can feel for her because, although I have never been an Alaskan prostitute -dancing on the bar in a spangled dress, I still get very bored with washing -and ironing and dishwashing and cooking day after relentless day. - -- Betty MacDonald -% I can understand companionship. I can understand bought sex in the afternoon. I cannot understand the love affair. -- Gore Vidal @@ -7577,16 +6295,6 @@ years old, blind in one eye, and carried a stuffed alligator labeled "Made in Taiwan". -- The Stunt Man % -I have a funny daddy -Who goes in and out with me -And everything that baby does -Daddy's sure to see, -And everything that baby says, -My daddy's sure to tell. -You must have read my daddy's verse. -I hope he fries in Hell. - -- Ogden Nash -% "I have credit with this madam who runs a string of super callgirls," the executive reminisced at his club bar, "but when I got the bill for the great head session one of them pleasured me with, I must say that @@ -7647,8 +6355,6 @@ I know why the sun never sets on the British Empire -- God wouldn't trust an Englishman in the dark. -- Duncan Spaeth % -I love this fucking University, and this University loves fucking me. -% I married an Italian girl; the way you marry an Italian girl in my family is to bring a New Yorker home first. % @@ -7688,12 +6394,6 @@ Seven times while the Dean was out skiin'. "Not bad for the laiety, Though the Bishop once managed thirteen." % -I once met a lassie named Ruth -In a long distance telephone booth. - Now I know the perfection - Of an ideal connection -Even if somewhat uncouth. -% I once was annoyed by a queer Who made his intentions quite clear. Said I, "I'm no prude, @@ -7710,10 +6410,6 @@ bastard! It annoys me that this self-inflated mediocrity is hailed as a genius. Why, in comparison with him, Riff is a genius. -- Tchaikovsky, October 9, 1886, diary entry % -I regret to say that we are powerless to act in cases of oral-genital -intimacy, unless it has in some way obstructed interstate commerce. - -- J. Edgar Hoover -% I shot a query into the net. I haven't got an answer yet, A posted message called me rotten But seven people gave me hell For ignoring mail I'd never gotten; @@ -7733,22 +6429,12 @@ I haven't got an answer yet... I think any man in business would be foolish to fool around with his secretary. If it's somebody else's secretary, fine. -- Barry Goldwater - -I think every good Christian ought to kick Falwell right in the ass. - -- Barry Goldwater -% -I think every good Christian ought to kick Falwell right in the ass. - -- Barry Goldwater % I think every good Christian ought to kick Falwell's ass. -- Senator Barry Goldwater, commenting on Jerry Falwell's suggestion that all good Christians should be against Sandra Day O'Connor's nomination to the Supreme Court % -I think pop music has done more for oral intercourse -than anything else that has ever happened, and vice versa. - -- Frank Zappa -% I think the Mormon prophet Was a very funny man. I wonder how his wives enjoyed @@ -7757,22 +6443,6 @@ His Prophet Sharing Plan. I thought Jackie O. was something you did in the bathroom. -- Strange de Jim % -I walked on toward Ploughwright, thinking about faeces. What a lot we -had found out about the prehistoric past from the study of fossilized -dung of long-vanished animals. A miraculous thing, really; a recovery -from the past from what was carelessly rejected. And in the Middle -Ages, how concerned people who lived close to the world of nature were -with the faeces of animals. And what a variety of names they had for -them: the Crotels of a Hare, the Friants of a Boar, the Spraints of -an Otter, the Werderobe of a Badger, the Waggying of a Fox, the Fumets -of a Deer. Surely there might be some words for the material so near -to the heart of Ozy Froats [an academic studying feces] than shit? -What about the Problems of a President, the Backward Passes of a -Footballer, the Deferrals of a Dean, the Odd Volumes of a Librarian, -the Footnotes of a Ph.D., the Low Grades of a Freshman, the Anxieties -of an Untenured Professor? - -- Robertson Davies, "The Rebel Angels" -% I want a girl that can swallow my pride. -- Frank Zappa, "Jewish Princess" % @@ -7827,13 +6497,6 @@ I don't so much care for a door, Is getting to be quite a bore! -- Gelett Burgess % -I wish that my room had a floor; -I don't so much care for a door, - But this walking around - Without touching the ground -Is getting to be quite a bore! - -- Gelett Burgess -% I wonder what my wife will want tonight; Wonder if the wife will fuss and fight? I wonder can she tell @@ -7860,10 +6523,6 @@ So why leave her to me, you big dunce? % I wouldn't fuck her with your prick. % -I wouldn't mind dying -- it's that business of -having to stay dead that scares the shit out of me. - -- R. Geis -% I'd like to give the world a hug And tell it jokes and stuff And pull its pants down to its knees @@ -7875,8 +6534,6 @@ Then leave it out at Moose Grin Hall With our cousin who's deranged ... -- National Lampoon, to an old Coke commercial % -I'd like to meet the man who invented sex and see what he's working on now. -% "I'd like to start a new religion. One that doesn't use a dead young man as its logo." -- Bill Cain, "Stand Up Tragedy" @@ -7914,8 +6571,6 @@ jobs, he wouldn't have given them teeth. If God hadn't intended man to eat pussy, would He have made it look like a taco? % -If Helen Keller is alone in a forest and falls, does she make a sound? -% If I could reach, I'd never leave the house. -- George Carlin % @@ -7967,8 +6622,6 @@ Net Mail ... % If life's a piece of shit, Calculus III is the spoon. % -If men could get pregnant, abortion would be a sacrament. -% If men couldn't fuck there'd be a bounty on their heads. % If only is was as easy to banish hunger by rubbing the belly as it is to @@ -7980,12 +6633,6 @@ If Presidents don't do it to their wives, they do it to the country. % If sex is a pain in the ass, you may be doing it wrong. % -If someone were to ask me for a short cut to sensuality, I would -suggest he go shopping for a used 427 Shelby-Cobra. But it is -only fair to warn you that of the 300 guys who switched to them -in 1966, only two went back to women. - -- Mort Sahl -% If they can't take a joke, then fuck 'em. If they can, then fuck 'em. % @@ -8110,11 +6757,6 @@ Very few blacks will take up golf until the requirement for plaid pants is dropped. -- Franklyn Ajaye % -I'm going to Iowa for an award. Then I'm appearing at Carnegie Hall, -it's sold out. Then I'm sailing to France to be honored by the French -government -- I'd give it all up for one erection. - -- Groucho Marx -% I'm Jewish. Count Basie's Jewish. Ray Charles is Jewish. Eddie Cantor's goyish. The B'nai Brith is goyish. The Hadassah is Jewish. Marine Corps -- heavy goyish, dangerous. Kool-Aid is goyish. All Drake's Cakes are @@ -8267,26 +6909,6 @@ that "If I had wanted to ice the little toad, I would have done it a long time ago." -- Dennis Miller, SNL News % -In the beginning was the DEMO Project. And the Project was without form. -And darkness was upon the staff members thereof. So they spake unto -their Division Head, saying, "It is a crock of shit, and it stinks." - -And the Division Head spake unto his Department Head, saying, -"It is a crock of excrement and none may abide the odor thereof." -Now, the Department Head spake unto his Directorate Head, saying, -"It is a container of excrement, and is very strong, such that none -may abide before it." And it came to pass that the Directorate Head -spake unto the Assistant Technical Director, saying, "It is a vessel -of fertilizer and none may abide by its strength." - -And the assistant Technical Director spake thus unto the Technical -Director, saying, "It containeth that which aids growth and it is -very strong." And, Lo, the Technical Director spake then unto the -Captain, saying, "The powerful new Project will help promote the -growth of the Laboratories." - -And the Captain looked down upon the Project, and He saw that it was Good! -% In the romantic days of Warsaw, Viennese whores were known for their beauty and delicacy. A gallant officer picked up one such lady of the evening, who took him to her apartment. They made delicious love all @@ -8361,14 +6983,6 @@ in second," Palmer replied. "You mean to tell me Shamir beat you?" "No, Your Holiness. Rabbi Nicklaus did." % -It is a sad commentary on today's society that this fortune has to be -classified as "offensive" simply because it contains the word "fuck". -% -It is amusing that a virtue is made of the vice of chastity; and -it's a pretty odd sort of chastity at that, which leads men straight -into the sin of Onan, and girls to the waning of their color. - -- Voltaire -% It is better to have a positive Wasserman than never to have loved at all. % It is better to have Uranus in Cancer than to have Cancer in Uranus. @@ -8383,17 +6997,9 @@ Half of them don't believe that it can physically be done, and the other half are doing it. -- Winston Churchill % -It is not true that life is one damn thing after another -- it is one -damn thing over and over. - -- Edna St. Vincent Millay -% It is not wise to make love more than once in the morning. You never know who you'll meet later in the day. % -It is one of the superstitions of the human mind -to have imagined that virginity could be a virtue. - -- Voltaire -% It is only the man whose intellect is clouded by his sexual impulse that could give the name of the fair sex to that undersized, narrow-shouldered, broad-hipped, and short-legged race. @@ -8772,8 +7378,6 @@ So Jack's in the hospital, with a burned up dick! % Jehovah is an alien and still threatens this planet! % -Jesus died for your sins... make it worth his time. -% Jesus has just stopped the crowd from stoning Mary Magdalene to death and is berating the self-pious with the famous speech, "Let the one among you who is without sin cast the first stone..." @@ -8794,12 +7398,6 @@ Jesus Saves! (And Esposito scores on the rebound!) % -Jesus Saves, -Moses Invests, -But only Buddha pays Dividends. -% -Jesus was killed by a Moral Majority. -% Jews always know two things: suffering and where to find great Chinese food. -- From the movie "My Favorite Year". % @@ -8823,12 +7421,6 @@ Johnny Carson's Observation on Geriatrics: Sex in the sixties is great, but it improves if you pull over to the side of the road. % -Just go with the flow control, roll with the crunches, and, when you get -a prompt, type like hell. -% -Just go with the flow control, roll with the -crunches, and, when you get a prompt, type like hell. -% Just once I would like to persuade the audience not to wear any article of blue denim. If only they could see themselves in a pair of brown corduroys like mine instead of this awful, boring blue denim. I don't enjoy the sky @@ -8841,17 +7433,6 @@ crucified in the morning. Kansas, where the men are men, the sheep are scared and the women are grateful. % -kasha, n: - Kasha is always defined as "buckwheat groats". There's only one - problem with this definition: what the fuck are "buckwheat groats"? - I know what they are -- they're kasha. But that doesn't help you - much. - -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" -% -Kerr's Three Rules for a Successful College: - Have plenty of football for the alumni, sex - for the students, and parking for the faculty. -% King Louis gave a lesson in class, One time while enjoying a lass. When she used the word "Damn" @@ -8941,8 +7522,6 @@ Pro: "That's going to real tough to treat." lagnaf, n: Let's All Get Naked And Fuck! % -Large cats can be dangerous, but a little pussy never hurt anyone. -% "Last night," said a lassie named Ruth, "In a long-distance telephone booth, I enjoyed the perfection @@ -9002,12 +7581,6 @@ parakeet with black trim." "Hey, listen, you must be thinking of Ozzy Osbourne, " Liberace replied. "Now, I might have had a cockatoo..." % -LIBRA (Sept 23 - Oct 22) - You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with -reality. If you are a man, you are more than likely gay. Chances for -employment and monetary gains are excellent. Most Libra women are -prostitutes. All Libra people die of Venereal disease. -% Lick-a-dee-clit! % Life is a bitch, but the puppies can be cute. @@ -9021,9 +7594,6 @@ Life is having a mother-in-law that sucks and a wife that don't. Life is like a cucumber -- one moment it's in your hand, the next it's up your ass. % -Life is like a penis: when it's soft you -can't beat it, and when it's hard you get fucked. -% Life is like a shit sandwich. The more bread you have, the less shit you have to eat. % @@ -9036,12 +7606,6 @@ Like private parts to the Gods are we, they play with us for their sport. -- Lord Melchett (Blackadder 2) % -Limericks are art forms complex, -Their topics run chiefly to sex. - They usually have virgins, - And masculine urgin's, -And other erotic effects. -% Lipstick on your dipstick told a tale on you, Lipstick on your dipstick said you were untrue. Bet your bottom dollar you and I are through, @@ -9056,8 +7620,6 @@ Lisp hackers ... have to be bound to do it. ... have Moby dicks. % -Lisp hackers have to be bound (to-do 'it) ... -% Lisp programmers do it deeper and deeper and deeper. % Little Boy Blew... he needed the money. @@ -9313,16 +7875,12 @@ described as being n-dimensional. Like modern sex, any number can play. May a deranged midget on a pogo stick take refuge in your sister's hoop skirt. % -May a diseased yak take a liking to your sister. -% May all the boys you fall in love with fall in love with boys themselves. % May all the girls you fall in love with fall in love with girls themselves. % May Allah blow sand in your Preparation H. % -May the fairy god-camel leave a lump on your pillow! -% Maybe if the guy who developed Twinkies hadn't had such a low opinion of himself they would have been an inch or two longer! % @@ -9382,13 +7940,6 @@ Afflicted with psychotic warps. Is to bugger a nun, And then vomit all over the corpse. % -Megaton Man: "LOOK at them! Helpless, tender creatures, relying on - ME, waiting for ME to make my move!" - -(from below): "Move your ASS, Fat-head!" - -Megaton Man: "It is a MANDATE, and I am DUTY BOUND to OBEY!" -% Men -- can't live with 'em, can't leave 'em by the curb when you're done. % @@ -9453,9 +8004,6 @@ Oh hell, blast, and damnation! Asked a lady in there if she had the time, She said "Yes", and a strong inclination. % -Missionary position: - The missionary on top. -% Mistress Mary, quite contrary, How does your garden grow? With silver bells and cockle shells, @@ -9486,24 +8034,14 @@ her, reached out, and squeezed her breast. "Leave only one quart of milk," she said. "Morris won't be here for breakfast tomorrow." % -Most legislators are so dumb that they couldn't pour piss -out of a boot if the instructions were printed on the heel. -% Most men would never get laid if it weren't for the pity fuck. % -Most people wouldn't know music if it came up and bit them on the ass. - -- Frank Zappa -% Most plain girls are virtuous because of the scarcity of opportunity to be otherwise. -- Maya Angelou, "I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings" % Most women look for a man who is tall, dark and hung some. % -Motto of the Electrical Engineer: - Working computer hardware is a lot like an erect penis: - it stays up as long as you don't fuck with it. -% Moustache rides, 50 cents. % Mr. Rection, Mr. Hugh G. Rection, please pick up a white courtesy telephone! @@ -9535,12 +8073,6 @@ Mr. Kelly likes rye on the rocks. They can't get together, So others get into her box. % -Murphy's Discovery: - Do you know Presidents talk to the country the way men talk - to women? They say, "Trust me, go all the way with me, and - everything will be all right." And what happens? Nine - months later, you're in trouble! -% Musing on her present and past professions as "dominant/sadomasichism fantasy fulfiller" and dental hygienist, Sybil said, "I couldn't really understand why I wanted to be a dental hygienist, but years later, after @@ -9555,18 +8087,11 @@ My advice to the women's clubs of America is to raise more hell and fewer dahlias. -- William Allen White % -My brother-in-law has found a way to make ends meet. -He goes around with his head stuck up his ass. -% My daddy's brains was so scrambled he thought he was Jesus. They put him in a nut house for 5 years and when he got out, he didn't think he was Jesus, he thought he was *God*! ... Which made me Jesus. -- T. Bywater % -My father was a creole, his father a Negro, and his father a monkey; my -family, it seems, begins where yours left off. - -- Alexandre Dumas -% My girlfriend's favorite erotic position is bending over my credit cards. % My godda bless, never I see sucha people. @@ -9650,9 +8175,6 @@ She's up to three packs a day. My wife has breast cancer. She told me to start dating. -- Howard Stern % -Naeser's Law: - You can make it foolproof, but you can't make it damnfoolproof. -% Naked children are so perfectly pure and lovely. I confess I do not admire naked boys. They always seem to me to need clothes -- whereas one hardly sees why the lovely forms of girls should ever be covered up. @@ -9694,12 +8216,6 @@ Never fly under a seagull - they'll shit on your airplane. % Never try to keep up with the Joneses; they might be newlyweds. % -NEW ADDITION TO THE LIBRARY: - "Sally", the department's new inflatable doll, is available on -a short-term removal basis only -- please sign her out and return her -promptly to avoid extended waits. (We are still awaiting shipment of -our "Big John" doll.) -% New book out from Gary Hart; "Six Inches from the White House". % New Jersey is not the armpit of the nation; @@ -9767,9 +8283,6 @@ Non Illegitemus Carborundum. Not everyone has a one-track mind. -- From a Bisexuality 101 talk % -Not only is God dead, but just try to find a plumber on weekends. - -- Woody Allen -% nothing, adj: A man with an erection who walks into a wall and breaks his nose. % @@ -9835,8 +8348,6 @@ because it's obscene. % Obscenity is a crutch for lazy Motherfuckers. % -Obscenity is the crutch of inarticulate motherfuckers. -% Oden the bardling averred His muse was the bum of a bird, And his Lesbian wife @@ -10072,12 +8583,6 @@ Once a woman has given you her heart you can never get rid of the rest of her. -- Vanbrugh % -Once a young gay from Khartoum, -Took a lesbian up to his room. - They argued all night - Over who had the right -To do what, and with which, and to whom. -% Once I belonged to a group that really had THE WORD. I fought like hell for them. But another group came along and exposed the word of my group as shallow and degenerate. They had a better word. So I quit the first @@ -10139,21 +8644,6 @@ down." So Little Red Riding Hood whipped out the .357 and said, "Oh, no, you're not! You're going to eat me just like the story says!" % -Once upon a time, there was a non-conforming sparrow who decided not to -fly south for the winter. However, soon after the weather turned cold, -the sparrow changed his mind and reluctantly started to fly south. -After a short time, ice began to form his on his wings and he fell to -earth in a barnyard almost frozen. A cow passed by and crapped on this -little bird and the sparrow thought it was the end, but the manure -warmed him and defrosted his wings. Warm and happy the little sparrow -began to sing. Just then, a large Tom cat came by and hearing the -chirping investigated the sounds. As Old Tom cleared away the manure, -he found the chirping bird and promptly ate him. -There are three morals to this story: -1) Everyone who shits on you is not necessarily your enemy. -2) Everyone who gets you out of shit is not necessarily your friend. -3) If you are warm and happy in a pile of shit, keep your mouth shut. -% Once upon a time there was a sperm named Stanley. He'd do pushups and somersaults and limber up all the time, while the other sperm just lay around on their fat asses not doing a thing. One day, one of them became curious @@ -10441,10 +8931,6 @@ Ooops. Gotta run. My dog wants sex. Later. % Operators mount anything! % -Opinions are like assholes -- everyone's got one, -but nobody wants to look at the other guy's. - -- Hal Hickman -% OPTIMIST: A man who makes a motel reservation before a blind date. % @@ -10454,13 +8940,6 @@ ORAL CONTRACEPTIVE: oral sex, n: The taste of things to come. % -O'Riordan's Theorem: - Brains x Beauty = Constant. - -Purmal's Corollary: - As the limit of (Brains x Beauty) goes to infinity, - availability goes to zero. -% Other people don't give you orgasms; you have them, and they help you cash them in. % @@ -10480,49 +8959,12 @@ Yo mosquito, fuck you. Our readers ask, "Why don't more WASPs go to orgies?" Well, it's really quite simple. They don't want to have to write all those thank-you notes. % -Our [softball] team usually puts the other woman at second base, where the -maximum possible number of males can get there on short notice to help out -in case of emergency. As far as I can tell, our second basewoman is a pretty -good baseball player, better than I am, anyway, but there's no way to know -for sure because if the ball gets anywhere near her, a male comes barging -over from, say, right field, to deal with it. She's been on the team for -three seasons now, but the males still don't trust her. They know, deep in -their souls, that if she had to choose between catching a fly ball and saving -an infant's life, she probably would elect to save the infant's life, without -ever considering whether there were men on base. - -- Dave Barry, "Sports is a Drag" -% Our staff proctologist, Dr. Barr, Has invented a new kind of car. With a tank full of shit There's no stopping it -- For short trips, two poots take you far. % -Our team usually puts the other woman at second base, where the maximum -possible number of males can get there on short notice to help out in case -of emergency. As far as I can tell, our second basewoman is a pretty good -baseball player, better than I am, anyway, but there's no way to know for -sure because if the ball gets anywhere near her, a male comes barging over -from, say, right field, to deal with it. She's been on the team for three -seasons now, but the males still don't trust her. They know, deep in their -souls, that if she had to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an -infant's life, she probably would elect to save the infant's life, without -ever considering whether there were men on base. - -- Dave Barry, "Sports is a Drag" -% -Our team usually puts the other woman at second base, where the maximum -possible number of males can get there on short notice to help out in -case of emergency. As far as I can tell, our second basewoman is a -pretty good baseball player, better than I am, anyway, but there's no -way to know for sure because if the ball gets anywhere near her, a male -comes barging over from, say, right field, to deal with it. She's been -on the team for three seasons now, but the males still don't trust -her. They know, deep in their souls, that if she had to choose between -catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she probably would -elect to save the infant's life, without ever considering whether there -were men on base. - -- Dave Barry, "Sports is a Drag" -% Our universe itself keeps on expanding and expanding, In all of the directions it can whiz; As fast as it can go, that's the speed of light, you know, @@ -10595,8 +9037,6 @@ philadelphia flying fuck, n: Philosophy is to the real world as masturbation is to sex. -- Karl Marx % -Physicists do it with charm. -% Picking up a man in a bar is like a snowstorm, you never know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get or how long'll he'll stay. % @@ -10612,14 +9052,6 @@ He announced as he folded with flair, But those aces combined, Don't stack up, I'm afraid, with your pair." % -PLUNDERER'S THEME - (to Supercalifragilisticexpialidocius) - -Pillage, rape, and loot and burn, but all in moderation. -If you do the things we say, then you'll soon rule the nation. -Kill your foes and enemies and then kill your relations. -Pillage, rape, and loot and burn, but all in moderation. -% pocket pool, n: Well, for guys, it's two-ball in the side pocket. For women, it's playing the slots. @@ -10627,8 +9059,6 @@ pocket pool, n: polish fly, n: You put it in her drink and she begs you to take her bowling. % -Politicians do it to everyone. -% Pompoir: The most sought-after feminine sexual response of all. 'She must... close and constrict the Yoni until it holds the Lingam as with @@ -10652,12 +9082,6 @@ Had heard of, but not seen, the male phallus. She started to run, And last was seen sprinting through Dallas. % -Posterity will ne'er survey -A nobler grave than this; -Here lie the bones of Castlereagh; -Stop, traveler, and piss. - -- Lord Byron, on Lord Castlereagh -% Postulate #1: Nothing is better than sex. Postulate #2: Masturbation is better than nothing. Conclusion: Masturbation is better than sex. @@ -10711,12 +9135,6 @@ in... He said, 'Look at this, I'm pissing with Johnny Cash. We need a picture of this.' I said, 'No, Keith, we *don't* need a picture of this.'" -- Rolling Stone interview with Johnny Cash. % -Procrastinators do it tomorrow. -% -Programmers do it bit by bit. -% -Programmers do it until it goes down. -% Programmers get overlaid. % PROMOTION: @@ -10728,9 +9146,6 @@ Qui virginem ingrediebatur. Audivi progressus: Est mihi inquit tubulator. % -Prostitution is the only business where you -can go into the hole and still come out ahead. -% Psychiatrists say that one out of four people are mentally ill. Check three friends. If they're okay, you're it. % @@ -10823,10 +9238,6 @@ A: With 2 scoops of dead baby and some rootbeer. Q: How do you pick up a quarter off of Polk Street? A: Kick it over to Van Ness. % -Q: How do you play Religious Roulette? -A: You stand around in a circle and blaspheme and see who gets struck - by lightning first. -% Q: How do you tell if two elephants have been making love in your backyard? A: Your Hefty trashcan liners are missing. @@ -10880,10 +9291,6 @@ A: "I'm afraid we don't know, but make my stipend tax-free, give my can tell me how to do the shit work for him so he can take the credit for answering this incredibly vital question." % -Q: How many heterosexual males does it take to screw in a light - bulb, in San Francisco? -A: Both of them. -% Q: How many lesbians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Ten. One to do it, and nine to talk about how gratifying it was without a man. @@ -10934,12 +9341,6 @@ A: Parents. Q: What do you do if an Irishman throws a pin at you? A: Run like hell, he's got a grenade in his mouth!! % -Q: What do you do with an elephant with three balls? -A: Walk him and pitch to the rhino. -% -Q: What do you get when cross a lawyer with a sorority girl?? -A: A woman that, when she goes down on you, gets blood. -% Q: What do you get when you cross a computer and a JAP? A: A computer that won't go down. % @@ -11106,9 +9507,6 @@ A: Getting fingered by Captain Hook! Q: Where does Catwoman go for a good time? A: To the batpoles, Robin! % -Q: Where does virgin wool come from? -A: Ugly sheep. -% Q: Why are babies born with soft spots on their heads? A: So you can pick 'em up five at a time. % @@ -11291,10 +9689,6 @@ QOTD: "I'd drag my dick a mile over broken glass just to masturbate in her shadow!" % -QOTD: - "I'd never marry a woman who didn't like pizza... I might play - golf with her, but I wouldn't marry her!" -% QOTD: It *was* wonderfully polite of me. Usually I call the kind of cretinous dipshit that pisses me off a ``fucking asshole.'' @@ -11378,23 +9772,9 @@ quickie, n: quickie, n: No sooner spread than done. % -QWERT (kwirt) n. [MW < OW qwertyuiop, a thirteenth] 1. a unit of weight -equal to 13 poiuyt avoirdupois (or 1.69 kiloliks), commonly used in -structural engineering 2. [Colloq.] one thirteenth the load that a fully -grown sligo can carry. 3. [Anat.] a painful irritation of the dermis -in the region of the anus 4. [Slang] person who excites in others the -symptoms of a qwert. - -- Webster's Middle World Dictionary, 4th ed. -% Ralph: Lisa, you have no tits and a awful tight pussy. Lisa: Ralph... get off my back!! % -randel, n: - A nonsensical poem recited by Irish schoolboys as an - apology for farting at a friend. - -- Mrs. Byrne's Dictionary of Unusual, Obscure & - Preposterous Words -% Raquel Welch: 36-24-36 Bo Derek: 35-24-36 Ann-Margaret: 37-25-36 @@ -11441,28 +9821,6 @@ real class, adj: % Real fur: the ultimate sadist symbol. % -Reefers and roach clips and papers and rollers -Cocaine and procaine for twenty year molars -Reds and peyote to work out your bugs -These are a few of my favorite drugs. - -Uppers and downers and methedrine freakout -Take some amphetamines, watch your brains leak out -Acid and mescaline pull out your plugs -These are a few of my favorite drugs. - -Backs that are perfect for carrying monkeys -Users of heroin, often called junkies -Methadone helps then to stop being thugs -Takes them off one of my favorite drugs. - - On a bad trip - When the cops come - When I lose my head - I simply take more of my favorite drugs - And then I'm not sad -- I'm dead! - -- My Favorite Drugs, sung to "My Favorite Things" -% Reformed, n: A synagogue that closes for the Jewish holidays. % @@ -11477,14 +9835,6 @@ Remember, there's a big difference between kneeling down and bending over. Remember, when preparing a dish for bedtime, champagne is the best tenderizer. % -Remember when you were a kid and the boys didn't like the girls? Only -sissies liked girls? What I'm trying to tell you is that nothing's -changed. You think boys grow out of not liking girls, but we don't grow -out of it. We just grow horny. That's the problem. We mix up liking -pussy for liking girls. Believe me, one couldn't have less to do with -the other. - -- Jules Feiffer -% Returning from the men's room, a bar customer was sadly, shaking his head. "What's the matter, buddy?", inquired the bartender. "Well," replied the customer, "while I was in the men's room, I saw @@ -11529,10 +9879,6 @@ In Ireland, in Lebanon, in Palestine, in Berkeley, Patty Hearst... heard the burst... of Roland's Thompson gun, and bought it. -- Warren Zevon, "Roland the Headless Thompson Gunner" % -ROMEO: Courage, man; the hurt cannot be much. -MERCUTIO: No, 'tis not so deep as a well, nor so wide - as a church-door; but 'tis enough, 'twill serve. -% Rosenberg wanted to leave the country. "And what is *your* reason?" asks the official at the Passport Office. "I am told a pogrom is being prepared. Against the Jews and the barbers," @@ -11577,12 +9923,6 @@ Said a happy young man of Fort Drum : Is a condom or two, With a goodly amount of fresh come." % -Said a horny young girl from Milpitas, -"My favorite sport is coitus." - But a fullback from State, - Made her period late, -And now she has athlete's fetus. -% Said a lecherous fellow named Shea, When his prick wouldn't rise for a lay, "You must seize it, and squeeze it, @@ -11613,30 +9953,12 @@ Said a pornographistic young poet Is wearing quite thin, And I'll soon tell those fuckers to stow it." % -Said a swinging young chick named Lyth -Whose virtue was largely a myth, - "Try as hard as I can, - I can't find a man -That it's fun to be virtuous with!" -% Said crew girl Angelica Bauer : "The captain's withdrawn, cold, and sour." Uhura said, "No, At night that's not so-- He doesn't withdraw for an hour." % -Said Einstein, "I have an equation -Which to some may seem Rabelaisian: - Let V be virginity - Approaching infinity; -Let P be a constant persuasion; - -"Let V over P be inverted -With the square root of Mu inserted - N times into V ... - The result, Q.E.D., -Is a relative!" Einstein asserted. -% Said Francesca, "My lack of volition Is leading me straight to perdition; But I haven't the strength @@ -11701,8 +10023,6 @@ Save a forest - eat a beaver! % Save a mouse, eat a pussy! % -Save Soviet Jewry -- Win Valuable Prizes!!!! -% Save the whales. Club a seal instead. % Says an airlining wanton named Vi: @@ -11711,11 +10031,6 @@ Says an airlining wanton named Vi: I'll take head on a flight, So the guy can have pie in the sky." % -schnuffel, n.: - A dog's practice of continuously nuzzling in your crotch in mixed - company. - -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" -% "Scott, baby," the sexually aggressive girl murmured as she guided her date's finger to her clitoris, "This bud's for you." % @@ -11823,17 +10138,6 @@ Self-abuse is the most certain road to the grave. SEMINARS: From 'semi' and 'arse', hence, any half-assed discussion. % -Sen. Danforth: "There is nothing on the face of the album which would - notify you if the record has pornographic material or - material glorifying violence?" -Tipper Gore: "No, there is nothing that would suggest that to me." -Frank Zappa: "I would say that a buzz saw blade between the guy's legs on - the album cover is good indication that it's not for little - Johnny." - - -- The Senate Commerce Committee hearing on rock - lyrics, from The Village Voice, 6 Oct 1985 -% Send lawyers, guns, and money, The shit has hit the fan. -- Warren Zevon @@ -11867,18 +10171,12 @@ Is mostly by hand. % Sex is just one damp thing after another. % -Sex is like a bridge game -- -If you have a good hand no partner is needed. -% Sex is low in calories, and *oooh* that aftertaste! % Sex is nobody's business but the three people involved. % Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer. % -Sex is the poor man's opera. - -- G.B. Shaw -% Sex is what women have and men want. % Sex; it's always best when one partner is at least a little bit desperate. @@ -11888,7 +10186,7 @@ SEX-CHANGE NUN BECOMES TV WRESTLER!!! % Shamus: A shamus is a guy who takes care of handyman tasks around the temple, and makes sure everything is in working order. A shamus is at -the bottom of the pecking order of synagog functionaries, and there's +the bottom of the pecking order of synagogue functionaries, and there's a joke about that: A rabbi, to show his humility before God, cries out in the middle of a @@ -11926,9 +10224,6 @@ Don't Cut Any More Wood, Baby, 'Cause I'll Be Comin' Home With A Load I Loved Her Face, But I Left Her Behind For You -- proposed Country-Western song titles % -She asked me if I loved her still. -"Yes," I replied. "I've never had you any other way." -% She begged and she pleaded for more. I said, "We've already had four, And I'm sure that you've heard, @@ -11938,11 +10233,6 @@ That eros spelt backwards is sore." She called her parakeet Onan, because he spilled his seed. -- Dorothy Parker % -She hates testicles, thus limiting the men she can admire to Democratic -candidates for president. - -- John Greenway, "The American Tradition", - on feminist Elizabeth Gould Davis -% She made a thing of soft leather, And topped off the end with a feather. When she poked it inside her @@ -12261,8 +10551,6 @@ I've all day sober to sunday up. % Statisticians do it with 95 percent confidence. % -Statisticians probably do it. -% Sticks and stones may break my bones but whips and chains excite me!!! % Stockmayer's Theorem: @@ -12277,10 +10565,6 @@ stress, n: desire to choke the living shit out of some asshole who desperately needs it. % -subpoena, n: - From the root "sub", below, and the Latin "poena" for male organ - or penis. Therefore, "below the penis" or "by the balls." -% Success has many fathers, but failure is a bastard. % Success is like a fart -- only your own smells nice. @@ -12525,9 +10809,6 @@ By the grace of a fortunate vowel. % The butcher, the baker, the candlestick make her, why can't I? % -The computer is the ultimate polluter: -Its shit is indistinguishable from the food it produces. -% The country girl who became a city madam has obviously gone from rags to rigids. % @@ -12551,9 +10832,6 @@ went down on the Titanic. The difference between like and love is the same as the difference between a spit and a swallow. % -The difference between this school and a cactus plant -is that the cactus has the pricks on the outside. -% The difference between women and girls is as much as twenty years in some states. % @@ -12564,8 +10842,6 @@ Collapsed at the height of a rout; "I should never have taken the trout." -- Edward Gorey % -The early worm gets the bird. -% The ecumenical movement has reached a milestone with the agreement on the text of the first Jewish-Catholic prayer -- one that begins "Oy vay, Maria". % @@ -12581,10 +10857,6 @@ Have chased Spock for several years. Has spared them great pain, For his prick is as sharp as his ears. % -The Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost would never throw the Devil -out of Heaven as long as they still need him as a fourth for bridge. - -- New Libertarian Notes, #19 -% The fearless old bishop of Brest Put his faith in the Lord to the test. He fucked whores in the apse @@ -13029,8 +11301,6 @@ once, thousands upon thousands of data bits flowing from diskette to disk in a torrent of torrid transfer, as the helpless legs of the 32 strained to remain on the floor. % -The other night I was having sex, but the girl hung up on me. -% The outraged husband discovered his wife in bed with another man. "What is the meaning of this?" he demanded. "Who is this fellow?" "That seems like a fair question," said the wife, rolling over. @@ -13113,9 +11383,6 @@ you've been such a great friend of mine, I have a question I need to ask you. What is a blow job?" Mother Agatha replied, "Oh, twelve dollars, same as downtown." % -The problem with being best man at a wedding -is that you never get a chance to prove it. -% The problems with "Medflies" may have hurt Jerry Brown's chances to become a Senator. After all, if they won't allow California fruit out of the state, how is Brown going to get to Washington? @@ -13132,9 +11399,6 @@ Who'd confined his cock-poking to queers, And remarked : "It felt strange ... Just think what I've missed all these years!" % -The real problem with fucking a sheep is that you have -to walk around in front every time you want to kiss her. -% The real trouble with women is that they have *all* the pussy. % The reason big companies have lots and lots of meetings is because @@ -13151,13 +11415,6 @@ Called a girl a most elegant creature. And, exposing her crack, Said, "Fuck that, you old Sunday School Teacher!" % -The Reverend Henry Ward Beecher -Called a hen a most elegant creature. - The hen, pleased with that, - Laid an egg in his hat -- -And thus did the hen reward Beecher. - -- Oliver Wendell Holmes -% The REVERSE function works on the opposite SEXPR. % The rich man uses vaseline, @@ -13177,10 +11434,6 @@ certain his charming words and manner would win her as they had many others. The San Francisco police are nothing if not sensitive to the mood of the community. The word is that Dirty Harry has been replaced by Bitchy Gerald. % -The sergeant walked into the shower and caught me giving myself a -dishonorable discharge. Without missing a beat, I said... - "It's my dick and I can wash it as fast as I want!" -% The sex act is the funniest thing on the face of this earth. -- Diana Rigg % @@ -13344,8 +11597,6 @@ herself for a few moments and then snapped, "I'd rather commit adultery than smoke in public." "So would I," said the girl, "but I only have half an hour for lunch." % -The voters have spoken, the bastards... -% The wages of sin are high -- unless you know someone who does it for nothing. % The warden of the De Luxington preparatory school for boys was holding a @@ -13382,19 +11633,12 @@ The woman you buy -- and she is the least expensive -- takes a great deal of money. The woman who gives herself takes all your time. -- Balzac % -The word `spine' is, of course, an anagram of `penis'. This is true in -almost fifty percent of the languages of the Galaxy, and many people have -attempted to explain why. Usually these explanations get bogged down in -silly puns about "standing erect". -% The work of Mess Sergeant Potgieter Is not merely reading a meter. By orders of Kirk A part of his work Is dosing the food with saltpeter. % -The world is an 8000 mile in diameter spherical pile of shit. -% The world is so full of a number of things, I'm sure we should all be as happy as kings. I'll tell you a story-- @@ -13509,8 +11753,6 @@ desks. #1 returns it to him immediately. #2 pockets it. #3 invests in the market and returns $1,500 to him in the morning. Who gets the promotion? The one with the big tits! % -There are two sides to every divorce: yours and the shithead's. -% There are two trees in the forest. They are very proud trees. One day they notice a sapling half-way between them. One tree proclaims, "That is a son of beech!" @@ -13639,18 +11881,6 @@ toothbrush?" There was something about her I liked, but I couldn't put my finger on it. % -There were the Scots -Who kept the Sabbath -And everything else they could lay their hands on. -Then there were the Welsh -Who prayed on their knees and their neighbors. -Thirdly there were the Irish -Who never knew what they wanted -But were willing to fight for it anyway. -Lastly there were the English -Who considered themselves a self-made nation -Thus relieving the Almighty of a dreadful responsibility. -% There's a handsome boy who tells me how I've changed his past. He buys me a brandy... Could it be he's really just after my ass? -- Pete Townshend, "How Many Friends" @@ -13691,13 +11921,6 @@ There's more than one way to skin a cat: Way #32 -- Wrap it around a lonely frat man's pecker. Way #33 -- A bicycle pump. % -There's nothing better than good sex. But bad sex? -A peanut butter and jelly sandwich is better than bad sex. - -- Billy Joel -% -There's nothing wrong with America that a good erection wouldn't cure. - -- David Mairowitz -% They ought to make butt-flavored cat food. -- Gallagher % @@ -13813,20 +12036,6 @@ tail and planting a demure kiss on its asshole. "Wait a minute," said the old guy. "Whaddaya mean, chapped lips?" "Keeps ya from lickin' 'em," explained the cowboy. % -This is a test of the emergency cunnilingus system. -If this had been an actual emergency, you would have known it! -% -This is National Smokers-Are-Shits Week. -% -This limerick is **SO**FILTHY** that it would offend you. -So I'll put in "di-dah" for the filthy words. - - Di-dah, di-dah, di-dah di-dah, - Di-dah di-dah di-dah, di-dah; - Di-dah di-dah di-dah? - Di-dah di-dah di-dah. - Di-dah di-dah, di-dah di-fuck. -% This story concerns a man who, after putting his son to bed each night, would stand by his boy's door and listen to his son saying his prayers. One night, the boy ended his prayers with, "God specially bless Granddad, who won't be @@ -13855,8 +12064,6 @@ This time it's for love; next time it's $100.00. THORNY: A thailor at thea. % -Thou shalt not omit adultery. -% Thought: Girls get minks the same way minks get minks! % @@ -13940,13 +12147,6 @@ As they were three, and we were two, I bucked one and Timbuktu. -- the only known poem using the word "Timbuktu" % -'Tis the dream of each programmer, -Before his life is done, -To write three lines of APL, -And make the damn things run. -% -To a Real Woman, every ejaculation is premature. -% To be the kind of girl designed to be kissed between the thighs. % To win a woman in the first place one must please her, then undress her, and @@ -14206,13 +12406,6 @@ Et se poignarda dans les fesses. And stabbed himself in the ass. Uncle Sam comes off as the perverted relative who'll offer you a bit of candy, but if you won't bend over for him, you get a beating. % -Unfair animal names: - --- tsetse fly -- bullhead --- booby -- duck-billed platypus --- sapsucker -- Clarence - -- Gary Larson -% Unitarians pray "To whom it may concern". % Unix programmers do it with pipes. @@ -14331,9 +12524,6 @@ it is a waste of time, and hazardous, to marry them. It leaves one open to a rival. Husbands, good or bad, always have rivals. Lovers, never. -- Helen Lawrenson, "Esquire" % -Vidi, vici, veni. -(I saw, I conquered, I came.) -% Viennese Oyster: Lady who can cross her feet behind her head, lying on her back, of course. When she has done so, you hold her tightly round each instep with your full hand and squeeze, lying on her full-length. Don't try to put @@ -14345,9 +12535,6 @@ know. Tolerable for short periods only but gives tremendous genital pressure for both. -- The Joy of Sex % -virgin, n: - An ugly third grader. -% Virginity is a bubble on the sea of life, which takes but one prick to break. -- Jordan Sand @@ -14365,15 +12552,11 @@ in unusual sex practices?" "No, he doesn't," replied the woman, "and neither does the little queer." % -VYARZERZOMANIMORORSEZASSEZANSERAREORSES? -% W. Lafayette may not be the asshole of the universe... but you sure as hell can see it from there! % Waldheimers disease is what you have when you can't remember you were a Nazi. % -War is menstruation envy. -% Was it you that did the pushin', Left the stains upon the cushion, The footprints on the dashboard upside-down? @@ -14411,9 +12594,6 @@ I need someone to protect But I'm not waiting on a lady I'm just waiting on a friend -- Rolling Stones, "Waiting on a Friend" % -Water? Never touch the stuff! Fish fuck in it. - -- W.C. Fields -% We ... make the modern error of dignifying the Individual. We do everything we can to butter him up. We give him a name, assure him that he has certain inalienable rights, educate him, let him pass on his name to his brats and @@ -14449,8 +12629,6 @@ Gorge yourselves from moon till noon Ever gay, we'll never grow up, Sing: GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE! -- Bored of the Rings, "The Hobbits National Anthem" % -We call our dog Egypt, because in every room he leaves a pyramid. -% We came, we saw, we kicked its ass! -- Bill Murray, "Ghostbusters" % @@ -14464,10 +12642,6 @@ fuck while pretending he's the one you do. That's called fidelity. That's called civilization and its discontents. -- Erica Jong, "Fear of Flying" % -We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free -his hands for masturbation. - -- Lily Tomlin -% We must! We must! We must increase our bust! The bigger the better! @@ -14700,10 +12874,6 @@ Well, see, I was out with this chick last night, and we were in bed, and she groaned to me, "Give me nine inches, and make it hurt!" So, I fucked her twice and slapped her. % -Well, see, Joyce, there we were, trapped in the elevator. Now, I had -my tennis racquet and the goldfish; she was holding the Crisco. Surely -you can imagine how one thing naturally led to another! -% Well, you almost got it right. The only problem is, you're doing it exactly backwards! Just reverse the motions you described and your partner will experience an incredibly intense orgasm. One trouble with this technique, @@ -14785,8 +12955,6 @@ sex than you are. % What the fuck, over? % -What the hell, go ahead and put all your eggs in one basket. -% What this department needs is a really good inflatable doll. % What with chromodynamics and electroweak too @@ -14933,9 +13101,6 @@ But sure as the devil, that word with a hiss It's only in Shakespeare that characters ____. -- Ogden Nash % -When it all boils down to the essence of truth one must live by -a dog's rule of life: If you can't eat it or fuck it, piss on it! -% When Snow White turns on with the dwarfs she probably winds up feeling Dopey. % When somebody protested at [Pope Alexander VI's] wholesale distribution of @@ -14948,9 +13113,6 @@ Judas sold Christ for 30 denari, this man [Pope Alexander VI] would sell him for 29. -- Ottaviano Ubaldini, chamberlain to Pope Alexander VI % -When the candles are out all women are fair. - -- Plutarch -% When the naive young lady asked the clerk in Le Sex Shoppe to show her his selection of vibrators, he brought out the two most popular ones. "The basic white plastic one here is twenty dollars," the clerk said. @@ -15088,19 +13250,9 @@ Why I am an atheist: 4. We should all strive to be like God. 5. We should all be atheists. % -Why is it that there are so many more horses' asses than there are horses? - -- G. Gordon Liddy -% -Why is it that there are so many more -horses' asses than there are horses? - -- G. Gordon Liddy -% Why is Mrs. Carter always on top when she and Jimmy make love? Because all Jimmy Carter can do is fuck up. % -Why marry a virgin? If she wasn't good enough for the rest of them -then she isn't good enough for you. -% Why not, for example, offer a brand-new Mustang convertible to every girl who consents to having her Fallopian tubes tied in a Gordian knot? ... It would have the additional benefit of eliminating from the gene pool those @@ -15192,9 +13344,6 @@ thrice double-damned, no-good son-of-a-bitch. % You are witty, charming, handsome and above average in length. % -You better believe that marijuana can cause castration. -Just suppose your girlfriend gets the munchies! -% "You can beat my meat, but you can't lick my sauce!" -- Boss' Ribs, Portland, Oregon % @@ -15204,13 +13353,6 @@ You can get used to living at a nudist camp. The first three days are the hardest. -- R. Dreiser % -You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose; -but you can't pick your friend's nose. -% -You come out of a woman and you spend the rest -of your life trying to get back inside. - -- Heathcote Williams -% You have been bitchy since Tuesday and you'll probably get fired today. % You have to be a bastard to make it, and that's a fact. And the Beatles @@ -15305,4 +13447,3 @@ I just gave my sister's cherry away! To a couple of truckers from Erie P.A., Zippity doo dah, zippity ay. -- John Valby -% diff --git a/games/fortune/datfiles/limerick b/games/fortune/datfiles/limerick index 4f9dc20ccc..4fecc3e7a7 100644 --- a/games/fortune/datfiles/limerick +++ b/games/fortune/datfiles/limerick @@ -7,12 +7,6 @@ A most reprehensible kid, And the worst of it was that it did! % A bather whose clothing was strewed -By breezes that left her quite nude, - Saw a man come along - And, unless I am wrong, -You expected this line to be lewd. -% -A bather whose clothing was strewed By breezes that left her quite nude, Saw a man come along And, unless I'm quite wrong, @@ -56,12 +50,6 @@ Whose organ had long ceased to function With the aid of his constable's truncheon. % A broken-down harlot named Tupps -Was heard to confess in her cups: - "The height of my folly - Was diddling a collie- -But I got a nice price for the pups." -% -A broken-down harlot named Tupps Was heard to confess in her cups: "The height of my folly Was fucking a collie -- @@ -155,12 +143,6 @@ Invented a jack-off machine. The fuckin' thing broke And beat both his balls to a creame. % -A clever young man named Eugene -Invented a jack-off machine. - On the twenty-third stroke - The goddam thing broke -And beat both his balls to a creame. -% A cocksucking steno named Beeman Remarked as she swallowed my semen : "On my minuscule salary @@ -265,12 +247,6 @@ Got along with a sexy young sophomore. But he found that the sophomore'd got off more. % A doctoral student from Buckingham -Wrote his thesis on cunts and on fucking'em. - But a dropout from paree - Taught him Gamahuchee -- so he added a footnote on sucking 'em. -% -A doctoral student from Buckingham Wrote his thesis on cunts and on fucking'em. But a dropout from paree Taught him Gamahuchee @@ -295,13 +271,6 @@ Whose overworked sex is all callous, Through exuberance, tightness, and malice. % A dreary young bank clerk named Fennis -Wished to foster an aura of menace; - To make people afraid - He wore gloves of grey suede -And white footgear intended for tennis. - -- Edward Gorey -% -A dreary young bank clerk named Fennis Wished to foster an aura of menace. To make people afraid He wore gloves of grey suede @@ -374,18 +343,6 @@ Scientifically played with himself, He labled it: son, And filed him away on a shelf. % -A geneticist living in Delft -Scientifically played with himself, - And when he was done - He labled it: son, -And filed him away on a shelf. -A gentleman, otherwise meek, -Detested with passion the leek; - When offered one out - He dealt such a clout -To the maid, she was down for a week. - -- Edward Gorey -% A gentleman, otherwise meek, Detested with passion the leek; When offered one out @@ -436,12 +393,6 @@ Was said to be great in the sack. Put girls in a coma And two gave them epileptic attacks. % -A graduate student named Zac -Was said to be great in the sack. - An inch of his boner - Put girls in a coma -And two gave them epileptic attacks. -% A greedy young lady from Sidney Liked it in up to her kidney, Till a man from Quebec @@ -488,7 +439,7 @@ He couldn't get out with ESC. A hacker-turned-pervert named Fisk Made love to the drive of his disk. The thing circumsized him, - Which rather suprised him. + Which rather surprised him. He wasn't aware of *that* risk. % A handsome young rodent named Gratian @@ -523,12 +474,6 @@ Of a strange, overpowering feeling." -- Edward Gorey % A hearty young fellow named Yost -Once had an affair with a ghost. - At the height of the spasm - The poor ectoplasm -Cried, "Goodie, I feel it ... almost." -% -A hearty young fellow named Yost Once had an affair with a ghost. At the height of the spasm The poor ectoplasm @@ -645,12 +590,6 @@ Found an elephant's whang in her stew. And don't wave it about, Or the others will all want one too." % -A lady, while dining in Crewe, -Found an elephant's whang in her stew. - Said the waiter, "Don't shout - Or wave it about -Or the others will ask for one, too." -% A lady who signs herself "Vexed" Writes to say she believes she's been hexed: "I don't mind my shins @@ -712,12 +651,6 @@ Once rode through the streets in the nude. Agnificent bottom" And slapped it as hard as they could. % -A lovely young maid from St. Jude -Once rode through the streets in the nude. - The police cried, "Whatam-- - Agnificent bottom" -And slapped it as hard as they cude. -% A lusty young maid from Seattle Got pleasure by sleeping with cattle; Till she found a bull @@ -945,24 +878,6 @@ A pretty young lady named Vogel Once sat herself down on a molehill. A curious mole Nosed into her hole -- -Ms. Vogel's ok, but the mole's ill. -% -A pretty young lady named Vogel -Once sat herself down on a molehill. - A curious mole - Nosed into her hole -- -Ms. Vogel's okay, but the mole's ill. -% -A pretty young lady named Vogel -Once sat herself down on a molehill. - A curious mole - Nosed into her hole- -Ms. Vogel's ok, but the mole's ill. -% -A pretty young lady named Vogel -Once sat herself down on a molehill. - A curious mole - Nosed into her hole -- Ms. Vogel's okay, but the mole's ill. % A pretty young maiden from France @@ -988,7 +903,7 @@ Said, I'm the match for any machine. My secret's aversion, To loops and recursion, Just acres of in-line routine. - -- W.J. Wilson + -- W. J. Wilson % A progressive professor named Winners Held classes each evening for sinners. @@ -1147,12 +1062,6 @@ Bet a whore all his books that he could best her. Beseeching poor Nestor to rest her. % A sweetheart named Teresa Arden -Went down on her beau in the garden. - He said, "Good lord, Tess, - Don't swallow that mess " -And she replied, "Ulp, beg your pardon?" -% -A sweetheart named Teresa Arden Went down on her beau in the garden. He said, "Good lord, Tess, Don't swallow that mess!" @@ -1177,12 +1086,6 @@ Could fuck you in ways quite adroit. Or open it out like a quoit. % A team playing baseball in Dallas -Called te umpire blind out of malice. - While this worthy had fits - The team made eight hits -And a girl in the bleachers named Alice. -% -A team playing baseball in Dallas Called the umpire blind out of malice. While this worthy had fits The team made eight hits @@ -1255,14 +1158,7 @@ Reproached for not acting quite primly I know sex isn't love, But it's such an entrancing facsimile." % -A water pipe suited miss Hunt; -She used it for many a bunt. - But the unlucky wench - Got it caught in her trench --- -It took twenty-two men and a big Stillson wrench, -To get the thing out of her cunt. -% -A water pipe suited miss Hunt; +A water pipe suited Miss Hunt; She used it for many a bunt. But the unlucky wench Got it caught in her trench --- @@ -1305,12 +1201,6 @@ His mouth can hold more than his belican. Enough food for a week. And I'm darned if I know how the helican. % -A wonderful bird is the pelican. -His mouth can hold more than his belican. - He can take in his beak - Enough food for a week. -I'm darned if I know how the helican. -% A wonderful tribe are the Sweenies, Renowned for the length of their peenies. The hair on their balls @@ -1324,7 +1214,7 @@ Is rapid, is thorough, is able; As he lovingly busses each table. % A worn-out young husband named Lehr -Her daily his wife's plaintive prayer: +Heard daily his wife's plaintive prayer: "Slip on a sheath, quick, Then slip your big dick Between these lips covered with hair." @@ -1335,12 +1225,6 @@ Discovered red spots on his tool. "Get out of my clinic Just wipe off the lipstick, you fool." % -A worried young man from Stamboul -Founds lots of red spots on his tool. - Said the doctor, a cynic, - "Get out of my clinic; -Just wipe off the lipstick, you fool!" -% A young bride and groom of Australia Remarked as they joined genitalia : "Though the system seems odd, @@ -1524,12 +1408,6 @@ Could, when feeling euphoric, Three kinds of erection- Corinthian, ionic, and doric. % -An architect fellow named Yoric -Could, when feeling euphoric, - Display for selection - Three kinds of erection- -Corinthian,ionic,and doric. -% An ardent young man named Magruder Once wooed a girl nude in Bermuda. She thought it quite lewd @@ -1555,12 +1433,6 @@ Liked to tease all the boys on the make. And all she recalls is the ache. % An artist who lived in Australia -Once painted his ass like a Dahlia. - The drawing was fine, - The colour - devine, -The scent - ah, that was a failia. -% -An artist who lived in Australia Once painted his ass like a Dahlia. The drawing was fine, The colour - divine, @@ -1791,13 +1663,6 @@ Fan would giggle and show off her knees; And weep from a sense of unease. -- Edward Gorey % -Augustus, for slpashing his soup, -Was put for the night on the stoop; - In the morning he'd not - Repented a jot, -And next day he was dead of the croup. - -- Edward Gorey -% Augustus, for splashing his soup, Was put for the night on the stoop; In the morning he'd not @@ -1824,13 +1689,6 @@ When he sits on the foot of my bed; But for the seventeen years he's been dead. -- Edward Gorey % -Each night Father fills me with dread -When he sits on the foot ofmy bed; - I'd not mind that he speaks - In gibbers and squeaks, -But for the seventeen years he's been dead. - -- Edward Gorey -% From deep in the crypt at St. Giles Came a bellow that echoed for miles. Said the rector, "My gracious, @@ -1869,12 +1727,6 @@ Complacently stroking his madam, For on all of the earth There were only two balls -- and he had 'em. % -In the garden of Eden lay Adam, -Complacently stroking his madam - And loud was his mirth - For on all of the earth -There were only two balls and he had'em. -% In the little French town of Le'Beau, Lived a maiden exceedingly droll. At a masquerade ball, @@ -1918,13 +1770,6 @@ You must keep her in close quarantine, Disorderly, drunk, and obscene. -- Morris Bishop % -The limerick is furtive and mean; -You must keep her in close quarantine, - Or she sneaks to the slums - And promptly becomes -Disorderly, drunk, and obscene. - -- Morris Bishop -% The old archeologist, Throstle, Discovered a marvelous fossil. He knew from its bend @@ -1973,12 +1818,6 @@ Who lived their life belly to belly. They used library paste, Instead of petroleum jelly. % -There once was a couple named Kelly -Who walked around belly-to-belly. - It seems in their haste, - They used Carter's paste -Instead of petroleum jelly. -% There once was a dentist named Stone Who saw all his patients alone. In a fit of depravity @@ -2100,12 +1939,6 @@ Who got laid by a big alligator. 'Cause after he laid her, he ate her. % There once was a girl from Madras -Who had such a beautiful ass - - It was not round and pink - ( as you bastards think ) -But had two ears, a tail, and ate grass. -% -There once was a girl from Madras Who had such a beautiful ass - It was not round and pink (As you bastards think) @@ -2226,7 +2059,7 @@ Fell in love with a virile young Tartar. And cried: "For that I'll be a martyr!" % There once was a lady named Clair, -Who posessed a magnificent pair. +Who possessed a magnificent pair. Or that's what I thought, Till I saw one get caught, On a thorn and begin losing air. @@ -2311,17 +2144,11 @@ Pa followed the pair to Pawtucket, "You're welcome to Nan." But as for the bucket, Pawtucket. % -There once was a man from Nantucket, -Whose cock was so long he could suck it. - He said with a grin, - As he wiped off his chin, -If my ear were a cunt I could fuck it! -% There once was a man from Nantucket Whose dick was so long he could suck it. He said with a grin As he wiped off his chin, -"If my ear was a cunt, I could fuck it." +"If my ear was a cunt, I could fuck it!" % There once was a man from Racine, Who invented a screwing machine. @@ -2354,12 +2181,6 @@ Who canoed with a girl in Bermuder. So McGru took an oar and subduder. % There once was a man named McSweeny -Who spilled lots of gin on his weeney - So just to be couth - He added vermouth -And slipped his best girl a martini. -% -There once was a man named McSweeny Who spilled some raw gin on his weeny. Just to be couth, He added vermouth, @@ -2589,13 +2410,7 @@ There was a gay countess of Bray, And you may think it odd when I say, That in spite of high station, Rank and education, -She always spelled cunt with a 'k'. -% -There was a gay countess of Bray, -And you may think it odd when I say, - That in spite of high station, - Rank and education, -She always spelled cunt with a 'k'. +She always spelled cunt with a "k". % There was a gay dog from Ontario Who fancied himself a Lothario. @@ -2918,7 +2733,7 @@ There was a young fellow named Paul Who confessed, "I have only one ball. But the size of my prick Is God's dirtiest trick, -For my girls always ask, 'Is that all?'" +For my girls always ask, `Is that all?'" % There was a young fellow named Pell Who didn't like cunt very well. @@ -3204,12 +3019,6 @@ Who wanted to dance in the ballet. When she kicked off her drawers, But her hair and her bush didn't tally. % -There was a young girl named Saphire -Who succumbed to her lovers desire. - She said, "It's a sin, - But now that it's in, -Could you shove it a few inches higher?" -% There was a young girl named Sapphire Who succumbed to her lover's desire. She said, "It's a sin, @@ -3445,7 +3254,7 @@ Who strung himself up with a cord Said he, of his work (Ere the rope snapped with a jerk) "I am leaving because I am bored." - - E.A. Guest + -- E. A. Guest % There was a young lad named McFee Who was stung in the balls by a bee @@ -3523,11 +3332,6 @@ Who claimed she had men on her brain. It was not on her brain that he'd lain. % There was a young lady from Munich -Who had an affair with a eunuch. - At the height of their passion - He dealt her a ration -% -There was a young lady from Munich Who had an affair with a eunuch. At the height of their passion He dealt her a ration @@ -3904,7 +3708,7 @@ I much prefer fucking to feeling." There was a young lady of fashion Who had oodles and oodles of passion. To her lover she said, - As they climbed into bed, + As they climbed into bed, "Here's one thing the bastards can't ration!" % There was a young lady of Fez @@ -3914,18 +3718,6 @@ Who was known to the public as "Jez." She excelled at (so everyone says). % There was a young lady of Gaza -Who shaved her cunt bare with a razor. - The crabs, in a lump, - Made tracks to her rump - -This passing parade did amaze her. -% -There was a young lady of Gaza -Who shaved her cunt bare with a razor. - The crabs, in a lump, - Made tracks to her rump - -This passing parade did amaze her. -% -There was a young lady of Gaza Who shaved her cunt bare with a razor. The crabs, in a lump, Made tracks to her rump-- @@ -4045,12 +3837,6 @@ The cheeks of her ass were so fat Whenever she farted, And also whenever she shat. % -There was a young lass from Surat. -The cheeks of her ass were so fat - That they had to be parted - Whenever she farted, -And also whenever she shat. -% There was a young laundress named Wrangle Whose tits tilted up at an angle. "They may tickle my chin," @@ -4171,12 +3957,6 @@ Whose cock was so long he could suck it. And saw his own ass, And broke his neck trying to fuck it. % -There was a young man from Nantucket -Whose cock was so long he could suck it. - He said with a grin, - While wiping his chin, -"If my ear was a cunt, I could fuck it." -% There was a young man from New Haven Who had an affair with a raven. He said with a grin @@ -4280,12 +4060,6 @@ Whose balls got caught in a socket. So she threw the switch, And Crockett went off like a rocket. % -There was a young man named Crockett -Whose balls got caught in a socket. - His wife was a bitch, - Yeah, she threw the switch, -And Crockett went off like a rocket. -% There was a young man named Hughes Who swore off all kinds of booze. He said, "When I'm muddled @@ -4944,13 +4718,7 @@ Who was stung in the arm by a wasp. When asked, "Does it hurt?" He relied, "No, it doesn't. I'm so glad that it wasn't a hornet." -% -There was an old man of St. Bees, -Who was stung in the arm by a wasp. - When asked, "Does it hurt?" - He relied, "No, it doesn't. -I'm so glad that it wasn't a hornet." - -- W.S. Gilbert + -- W. S. Gilbert % There was an old man of Tagore Whose tool was a yard long or more, @@ -4970,18 +4738,6 @@ Whose prick was remarkably short. The old woman said, "That isn't a prick; it's a wart!" % -There was an old man of the port -Whose prick was remarkably short. - When he got into bed, - The old woman said, -"This isn't a prick; it's a wart!" -% -There was an old man of the port -Whose prick was remarkably short. - When he got into bed, - The old woman said, -"That isn't a prick; it's a wart!" -% There was an old man who said, "Tush! My balls always hang in the brush, And I fumble about, @@ -5202,7 +4958,7 @@ To his bride said a numskull named Clarence : I picked up from rabbits, And occasionally watching my parents." % -To his bride said economist Fife : +To his bride said economist Fife: "The semen you'll launch as my wife, We will salvage and freeze To resemble goat's cheese, @@ -5283,9 +5039,9 @@ That wears peckers down, limp and blunt! % When I was a baby, my penis Was as white as the buttocks of Venus. - But now 'this as red + But now 'tis as red As her nipples instead-- -All because of the feminie genus! +All because of the feminine genus! % When they asked a pert baggage name Alice, Who'd been bedded and banged in the palace, diff --git a/games/fortune/datfiles/murphy b/games/fortune/datfiles/murphy index 2a7eef1c39..ed2dc62d8a 100644 --- a/games/fortune/datfiles/murphy +++ b/games/fortune/datfiles/murphy @@ -125,8 +125,6 @@ please don't. % Everything tastes more or less like chicken. % -People don't change; they only become more so. -% I finally got it all together... but I forgot where I put it. % @@ -1018,8 +1016,6 @@ else must become dirty. ... but you can get everything dirty without getting anything clean. % -Things equal to nothing else are equal to each other. -% The first place to look for anything is the last place you would expect to find it. % @@ -1035,8 +1031,6 @@ whole thing". % Washing your car to make it rain doesn't work. % -When the going gets tough, everyone leaves. -% The time it talkes to rectify a situation is inversely proportional to the time it took to do the damage. @@ -1170,8 +1164,6 @@ In any organization there will always be one person who knows what is going on. This person must be fired. % -It is easier to get forgiveness than permission. -% Far-way talent always seems better than home-developed talent. % @@ -1260,8 +1252,6 @@ If you leave the room, you're elected. The cream rises to the top. So does the scum. % -You can never do just one thing. -% There's no time like the present for postponing what you don't want to do. % @@ -1528,8 +1518,6 @@ exceeding the greatness of the idea. Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity. % -New systems generate new problems. -% Systems should not be unnecessarily multiplied. % Systems tend to grow and as they grow they encroach. @@ -2014,7 +2002,7 @@ make a fool of yourself in person. % Other people's romantic gestures seem novel and exciting. -Your own romantic gestures seem fooolish and clumsy. +Your own romantic gestures seem foolish and clumsy. % The length of a marriage is inversely proportional to the amount spent on the wedding. @@ -2025,8 +2013,6 @@ when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with. If you help a friend in need, he is sure to remember you - the next time he's in need. % -Virtue is its own punishment. -% If you do something right once, someone will ask you to do it again. % diff --git a/games/fortune/datfiles/murphy-o b/games/fortune/datfiles/murphy-o index 4f54c2d179..76bc03db1c 100644 --- a/games/fortune/datfiles/murphy-o +++ b/games/fortune/datfiles/murphy-o @@ -2,26 +2,11 @@ %%$DragonFly: src/games/fortune/datfiles/murphy-o,v 1.2 2003/06/17 04:25:24 dillon Exp $ You can lead a horticulture, but you can't make her think. % -When you're up to your nose in shit, -be sure to keep your mouth shut. -% One's life tends to be like a beaver's, one dam thing after another. % -Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself. -% -Old Scottish prayer: O Lord, grant that we may always be -right, for thou knowest we will never change our minds. -% -All probabilities are 50%: either a thing will -happen or it won't. - -This is especially true when dealing with women. - -Likelihoods, however, are 90% against you. -% Sow your wild oats on Saturday night - then on Sunday pray for crop failure. % -Early to rise and early to bed makes a male -healthy and wealthy and dead. +When you're up to your nose in shit, +be sure to keep your mouth shut. diff --git a/games/fortune/datfiles/startrek b/games/fortune/datfiles/startrek index eb6eaff542..f29be56599 100644 --- a/games/fortune/datfiles/startrek +++ b/games/fortune/datfiles/startrek @@ -70,7 +70,6 @@ dent in it. % "Can you imagine how life could be improved if we could do away with jealousy, greed, hate ..." - "It can also be improved by eliminating love, tenderness, sentiment -- the other side of the coin" -- Dr. Roger Corby and Kirk, "What are Little Girls Made Of?", @@ -91,13 +90,13 @@ man. And nothing can replace it or him. Conquest is easy. Control is not. -- Kirk, "Mirror, Mirror", stardate unknown % -Death, when unnecessary, is a tragic thing. - -- Flint, "Requiem for Methuselah", stardate 5843.7 -% Death. Destruction. Disease. Horror. That's what war is all about. That's what makes it a thing to be avoided. -- Kirk, "A Taste of Armageddon", stardate 3193.0 % +Death, when unnecessary, is a tragic thing. + -- Flint, "Requiem for Methuselah", stardate 5843.7 +% Do you know about being with somebody? Wanting to be? If I had the whole universe, I'd give it to you, Janice. When I see you, I feel like I'm hungry all over. Do you know how that feels? @@ -142,12 +141,12 @@ Every living thing wants to survive. Extreme feminine beauty is always disturbing. -- Spock, "The Cloud Minders", stardate 5818.4 % -Fascinating is a word I use for the unexpected. - -- Spock, "The Squire of Gothos", stardate 2124.5 -% Fascinating, a totally parochial attitude. -- Spock, "Metamorphosis", stardate 3219.8 % +Fascinating is a word I use for the unexpected. + -- Spock, "The Squire of Gothos", stardate 2124.5 +% First study the enemy. Seek weakness. -- Romulan Commander, "Balance of Terror", stardate 1709.2 % @@ -173,7 +172,7 @@ He's dead, Jim History tends to exaggerate. -- Col. Green, "The Savage Curtain", stardate 5906.4 % -Humans do claim a great deal for that particular emotion (love). +Humans do claim a great deal for that particular emotion [love]. -- Spock, "The Lights of Zetar", stardate 5725.6 % I am pleased to see that we have differences. May we together become @@ -205,15 +204,6 @@ they see it is easier than trading. And it has its pleasures. I feel it myself. Like the hunt, but with richer rewards. -- Apella, "A Private Little War", stardate 4211.8 % -I'm a soldier, not a diplomat. I can only tell the truth. - -- Kirk, "Errand of Mercy", stardate 3198.9 -% -I'm frequently appalled by the low regard you Earthmen have for life. - -- Spock, "The Galileo Seven", stardate 2822.3 -% -I've already got a female to worry about. Her name is the Enterprise. - -- Kirk, "The Corbomite Maneuver", stardate 1514.0 -% If a man had a child who'd gone anti-social, killed perhaps, he'd still tend to protect that child. -- McCoy, "The Ultimate Computer", stardate 4731.3 @@ -227,6 +217,12 @@ If some day we are defeated, well, war has its fortunes, good and bad. If there are self-made purgatories, then we all have to live in them. -- Spock, "This Side of Paradise", stardate 3417.7 % +I'm a soldier, not a diplomat. I can only tell the truth. + -- Kirk, "Errand of Mercy", stardate 3198.9 +% +I'm frequently appalled by the low regard you Earthmen have for life. + -- Spock, "The Galileo Seven", stardate 2822.3 +% Immortality consists largely of boredom. -- Zefrem Cochrane, "Metamorphosis", stardate 3219.8 % @@ -271,7 +267,7 @@ It is undignified for a woman to play servant to a man who is not hers. -- Spock, "Amok Time", stardate 3372.7 % -It would be illogical to assume that all conditions remain stable +It would be illogical to assume that all conditions remain stable. -- Spock, "The Enterprise" Incident", stardate 5027.3 % It would be illogical to kill without reason @@ -282,11 +278,13 @@ It would seem that evil retreats when forcibly confronted % "It's hard to believe that something which is neither seen nor felt can do so much harm." - "That's true. But an idea can't be seen or felt. And that's what kept the Troglytes in the mines all these centuries. A mistaken idea." -- Vanna and Kirk, "The Cloud Minders", stardate 5819.0 % +I've already got a female to worry about. Her name is the Enterprise. + -- Kirk, "The Corbomite Maneuver", stardate 1514.0 +% Killing is stupid; useless! -- McCoy, "A Private Little War", stardate 4211.8 % @@ -325,7 +323,7 @@ Madness has no purpose. Or reason. But it may have a goal. -- Spock, "The Alternative Factor", stardate 3088.7 % Many Myths are based on truth - -- Spock, "The Way to Eden", stardate 5832.3 + -- Spock, "The Way to Eden", stardate 5832.3 % Men don't talk peace unless they're ready to back it up with war. -- Col. Green, "The Savage Curtain", stardate 5906.4 @@ -389,7 +387,7 @@ advice without necessarily having to take it. -- Kirk, "Dagger of the Mind", stardate 2715.2 % Only a fool fights in a burning house. - -- Kank the Klingon, "Day of the Dove", stardate unknown + -- Kang the Klingon, "Day of the Dove", stardate unknown % Our missions are peaceful -- not for conquest. When we do battle, it is only because we have no choice. @@ -475,6 +473,7 @@ The joys of love made her human and the agonies of love destroyed her. % The man on tops walks a lonely street; the "chain" of command is often a noose. + -- McCoy, "The Conscience of the King," stardate 2818.9 % The more complex the mind, the greater the need for the simplicity of play. @@ -496,8 +495,7 @@ deeply -- life in every form from fetus to developed being. to know each other. -- Kirk, "Elaan of Troyius", stardate 4372.5 % -"The release of emotion is what keeps us health. Emotionally healthy." - +"The release of emotion is what keeps us healthy. Emotionally healthy." "That may be, Doctor. However, I have noted that the healthy release of emotion is frequently unhealthy for those closest to you." -- McCoy and Spock, "Plato's Stepchildren", stardate 5784.3 @@ -509,7 +507,7 @@ The sooner our happiness together begins, the longer it will last. -- Miramanee, "The Paradise Syndrome", stardate 4842.6 % ... The things love can drive a man to -- the ecstasies, the -the miseries, the broken rules, the desperate chances, the glorious +miseries, the broken rules, the desperate chances, the glorious failures and the glorious victories. -- McCoy, "Requiem for Methuselah", stardate 5843.7 % @@ -532,7 +530,7 @@ There is a multi-legged creature crawling on your shoulder. % There is an old custom among my people. When a woman saves a man's life, he is grateful. - -- Nona, the Kanuto which woman, "A Private Little War", + -- Nona, the Kanuto witch woman, "A Private Little War", stardate 4211.8. % There is an order of things in this universe. @@ -602,12 +600,6 @@ Vulcans worship peace above all. Wait! You have not been prepared! -- Mr. Atoz, "Tomorrow is Yesterday", stardate 3113.2 % -War is never imperative. - -- McCoy, "Balance of Terror", stardate 1709.2 -% -War isn't a good life, but it's life. - -- Kirk, "A Private Little War", stardate 4211.8 -% [War] is instinctive. But the instinct can be fought. We're human beings with the blood of a million savage years on our hands! But we can stop it. We can admit that we're killers ... but we're not going @@ -615,6 +607,12 @@ to kill today. That's all it takes! Knowing that we're not going to kill today! -- Kirk, "A Taste of Armageddon", stardate 3193.0 % +War is never imperative. + -- McCoy, "Balance of Terror", stardate 1709.2 +% +War isn't a good life, but it's life. + -- Kirk, "A Private Little War", stardate 4211.8 +% We do not colonize. We conquer. We rule. There is no other way for us. -- Rojan, "By Any Other Name", stardate 4657.5 @@ -631,7 +629,7 @@ We have phasers, I vote we blast 'em! -- Bailey, "The Corbomite Maneuver", stardate 1514.2 % "We have the right to survive!" -"Not be killing others." +"Not by killing others." -- Deela and Kirk, "Wink of An Eye", stardate 5710.5 % We Klingons believe as you do -- the sick should die. Only the strong @@ -644,7 +642,6 @@ be different. -- McCoy, "The Ultimate Computer", stardate 4729.4 % "What happened to the crewman?" - "The M-5 computer needed a new power source, the crewman merely got in the way." -- Kirk and Dr. Richard Daystrom, "The Ultimate Computer", @@ -658,7 +655,7 @@ What kind of love is that? Not to be loved; never to have shown love. "There are no good ways." -- Sulu and Kirk, "That Which Survives", stardate unknown % -When a child is taught ... its programmed with simple instructions -- +When a child is taught ... it's programmed with simple instructions -- and at some point, if its mind develops properly, it exceeds the sum of what it was taught, thinks independently. -- Dr. Richard Daystrom, "The Ultimate Computer", @@ -691,7 +688,7 @@ sheer horror than the male of the species. -- Spock, "Wolf in the Fold", stardate 3615.4 % Women professionals do tend to over-compensate. - -- Dr. Elizabeth Dehaver, "Where No Man Has Gone Before", + -- Dr. Elizabeth Dehner, "Where No Man Has Gone Before", stardate 1312.9. % Worlds are conquered, galaxies destroyed -- but a woman is always a @@ -705,6 +702,9 @@ woman. Yes, it is written. Good shall always destroy evil. -- Sirah the Yang, "The Omega Glory", stardate unknown % +You! What PLANET is this?! + -- McCoy, "The City on the Edge of Forever", stardate 3134.0 +% You are an excellent tactician, Captain. You let your second in command attack while you sit and watch for weakness. -- Khan Noonian Singh, "Space Seed", stardate 3141.9 @@ -737,9 +737,6 @@ soldiers. -- Kor, the Klingon Commander, "Errand of Mercy", stardate 3201.7 % -You! What PLANET is this! - -- McCoy, "The City on the Edge of Forever", stardate 3134.0 -% You'll learn something about men and women -- the way they're supposed to be. Caring for each other, being happy with each other, being good to each other. That's what we call love. You'll like that a lot. diff --git a/games/fortune/datfiles/zippy b/games/fortune/datfiles/zippy index 6224e601a8..d19bd8c070 100644 --- a/games/fortune/datfiles/zippy +++ b/games/fortune/datfiles/zippy @@ -113,7 +113,7 @@ LEFT at th'HOLIDAY INN!! JOIN the CREDIT WORLD!! MAKE me an OFFER!!! CONGRATULATIONS! Now should I make thinly veiled comments about DIGNITY, self-esteem and finding TRUE FUN in your RIGHT VENTRICLE?? % -Content: 80% POLYESTER, 20% DACRONi ... The waitress's UNIFORM sheds +Content: 80% POLYESTER, 20% DACRON ... The waitress's UNIFORM sheds TARTAR SAUCE like an 8" by 10" GLOSSY ... % Could I have a drug overdose? @@ -135,7 +135,7 @@ DIDI ... is that a MARTIAN name, or, are we in ISRAEL? % Didn't I buy a 1951 Packard from you last March in Cairo? % -Disco oil bussing will create a throbbing naugahide pipeline running +Disco oil bussing will create a throbbing naugahyde pipeline running straight to the tropics from the rug producing regions and devalue the dollar! % @@ -229,7 +229,7 @@ He is the MELBA-BEING ... the ANGEL CAKE ... XEROX him ... XEROX him -- % He probably just wants to take over my CELLS and then EXPLODE inside me like a BARREL of runny CHOPPED LIVER! Or maybe he'd like to -PSYCHOLIGICALLY TERRORISE ME until I have no objection to a RIGHT-WING +PSYCHOLOGICALLY TERRORISE ME until I have no objection to a RIGHT-WING MILITARY TAKEOVER of my apartment!! I guess I should call AL PACINO! % HELLO KITTY gang terrorizes town, family STICKERED to death! @@ -290,7 +290,7 @@ MOUSTACHE ... Have you ever noticed th' way it radiates SINCERITY, HONESTY & WARMTH? It's a MOUSTACHE you want to take HOME and introduce to NANCY SINATRA! % -How many returned bricklayers from FLORIDA are out purchasing PENCIL +How many retired bricklayers from FLORIDA are out purchasing PENCIL SHARPENERS right NOW?? % How's it going in those MODULAR LOVE UNITS?? @@ -507,8 +507,6 @@ I want to kill everyone here with a cute colorful Hydrogen Bomb!! % I want to perform cranial activities with Tuesday Weld!! % -... I want to perform cranial activities with Tuesday Weld!! -% I want to read my new poem about pork brains and outer space ... % I want to so HAPPY, the VEINS in my neck STAND OUT!! @@ -694,7 +692,7 @@ if it GLISTENS, gobble it!! % If our behavior is strict, we do not need fun! % -If Robert Di Niro assassinates Walter Slezak, will Jodie Foster marry +If Robert De Niro assassinates Walter Slezak, will Jodie Foster marry Bonzo?? % In 1962, you could buy a pair of SHARKSKIN SLACKS, with a "Continental @@ -775,7 +773,7 @@ ASHTRAYS ... % Let me do my TRIBUTE to FISHNET STOCKINGS ... % -Let's all show human CONCERN for REVERAND MOON's legal difficulties!! +Let's all show human CONCERN for REVEREND MOON's legal difficulties!! % Let's send the Russians defective lifestyle accessories! % diff --git a/games/fortune/datfiles/zippy.sp.ok b/games/fortune/datfiles/zippy.sp.ok index 67c616bce1..87927a63fd 100644 --- a/games/fortune/datfiles/zippy.sp.ok +++ b/games/fortune/datfiles/zippy.sp.ok @@ -179,7 +179,7 @@ manicurist matic meatball meltdown -naugahide +naugahyde obstetrician poindexter pre -- 2.41.0