1 %% $FreeBSD: src/games/fortune/datfiles/fortunes-o.real,v 1.4.2.5 2002/08/09 20:40:24 fanf Exp $
2 My Favorite Drugs [Sung to My Favorite Things]
3 Reefers and roach clips and papers and rollers
4 Cocaine and procaine for twenty year molars
5 Reds and peyote to work out your bugs
6 These are a few of my favorite drugs.
8 Uppers and downers and methedrine freakout
9 Take some amphetamines, watch your brains leak out
10 Acid and mescaline pull out your plugs
11 These are a few of my favorite drugs.
13 Backs that are perfect for carrying monkeys
14 Users of heroin, often called junkies
15 Methadone helps then to stop being thugs
16 Takes them off one of my favorite drugs.
21 I simply take more of my favorite drugs
22 And then I'm not sad -- I'm dead!
24 NEW ADDITION TO THE LIBRARY:
25 "Sally", the department's new inflatable doll, is available on a
26 short-term removal basis only -- please sign her out and return her
27 promptly to avoid extended waits. (We are still awaiting shipment of
30 ... But among the children of the Great Society there were
31 those whose skins were black. And lo! Their portion was niggardly,
32 and of the fatted calf they were sucking hind teat....
33 Now it came to pass that a prophet rose up amongst them, and
34 they called him King. And he went unto Pharaoh and said, "Let my
35 people go to the front of the bus."
36 But Pharaoh answered: "In the fullness of time and with all
37 deliberate speed shall this thing come to pass. When ye shall prove
38 yourselves worthy, shall ye have your just portion -- yea, verily, like
39 unto a snowball in Hell."
40 -- "The Begatting of a President"
42 And Jesus said unto them, "And whom do you say that I am?"
43 They replied, "You are the eschatological manifestation of the
44 ground of our being, the ontological foundation of the context of our
45 very selfhood revealed."
46 And Jesus replied, "What?"
48 "God built a compelling sex drive into every creature, no
49 matter what style of fucking it practiced. He made sex irresistibly
50 pleasurable, wildly joyous, free from fears. He made it innocent
52 "Needless to say, fucking was an immediate smash hit. Everyone
53 agreed, from aardvarks to zebras. All the jolly animals -- lions and
54 lambs, rhinoceroses and gazelles, skylarks and lobsters, even insects,
55 though most of them fuck only once in a lifetime -- fucked along
56 innocently and merrily for hundreds of millions of years. Maybe they
57 were dumb animals, but they knew a good thing when they had one."
58 -- Alan Sherman, "The Rape of the A*P*E*"
60 In the beginning was the DEMO Project. And the Project was
61 without form. And darkness was upon the staff members thereof. So
62 they spake unto their Division Head, saying, "It is a crock of shit,
65 And the Division Head spake unto his Department Head, saying,
66 "It is a crock of excrement and none may abide the odor thereof." Now,
67 the Department Head spake unto his Directorate Head, saying, "It is a
68 container of excrement, and is very strong, such that none may abide
69 before it." And it came to pass that the Directorate Head spake unto
70 the Assistant Technical Director, saying, "It is a vessel of fertilizer
71 and none may abide by its strength."
73 And the assistant Technical Director spake thus unto the
74 Technical Director, saying, "It containeth that which aids growth and
75 it is very strong." And, Lo, the Technical Director spake then unto
76 the Captain, saying, "The powerful new Project will help promote the
77 growth of the Laboratories."
79 And the Captain looked down upon the Project, and He saw that
83 Man: "Hey, Baby, I'd sure like to get in your pants!"
84 Woman: "No, thanks, I've already got one ass-hole in there now."
86 The big problem with pornography is defining it. You can't
87 just say it's pictures of people naked. For example, you have these
88 primitive African tribes that exist by chasing the wildebeest on foot,
89 and they have to go around largely naked, because, as the old tribal
90 saying goes: "N'wam k'honi soit qui mali," which means, "If you think
91 you can catch a wildebeest in this climate and wear clothes at the same
92 time, then I have some beach front property in the desert region of
93 Northern Mali that you may be interested in."
94 So it's not considered pornographic when National Geographic
95 publishes color photographs of these people hunting the wildebeest
96 naked, or pounding one rock onto another rock for some primitive reason
97 naked, or whatever. But if National Geographic were to publish an
98 article entitled "The Girls of the California Junior College System
99 Hunt the Wildebeest Naked," some people would call it pornography. But
100 others would not. And still others, such as the Spectacularly Rev.
101 Jerry Falwell, would get upset about seeing the wildebeest naked.
102 -- Dave Barry, "Pornography"
104 The defense attorney was hammering away at the plaintiff: "You
105 claim," he jeered, "that my client came at you with a broken bottle in
106 his hand. But is it not true, that you had something in YOUR hand?"
108 "Yes," he admitted, "his wife. Very charming, of course, but
109 not much good in a fight."
111 The Gray-haired Woman's Complaint
113 My back aches, my pussy is sore;
114 I simply can't fuck any more;
115 I'm covered with sweat,
116 And you haven't come yet,
117 And my God, it's a quarter to four!
121 How 'bout them toad suckers, ain't they clods?
122 Sittin' there suckin' them green toady frogs!
124 Suckin' them hop toads, suckin' them chunkers,
125 Suckin' them a leapy type, suckin' them flunkers.
127 Look at them toad suckers, ain't they snappy?
128 Suckin' them bog frogs sure make's 'em happy!
130 Them hugger mugger toad suckers, way down south,
131 Stickin' them sucky toads in they mouth!
133 How to be a toad sucker, no way to duck it,
134 Get yourself a toad, rear back, and suck it!
137 Two little kids, aged six and eight, decide it's time to learn
138 how to swear. So, the eight-year-old says to the six-year-old, "Okay,
139 you say `ass' and I'll say `hell'".
140 All excited about their plan, they troop downstairs, where
141 their mother asks them what they'd like for breakfast.
142 "Aw, hell," says the eight-year-old, "gimme some Cheerios."
143 His mother backhands him off the stool, sending him bawling out of the
144 room, and turns to the younger brother. "What'll you have?"
145 "I dunno," quavers the six-year-old, "but you can bet your ass
146 it ain't gonna be Cheerios."
148 "What the hell are you getting so upset about? I thought you
149 didn't believe in God."
150 "I don't," she sobbed, bursting violently into tears, "but the
151 God I don't believe in is a good God, a just God, a merciful God. He's
152 not the mean and stupid God you make Him out to be."
153 -- Joseph Heller, "Catch-22"
155 When the surgeon came to see her on the morning after her
156 operation, the young woman asked her somewhat hesitantly how long it
157 would be before she could resume her sex life. "I really haven't
158 thought about it," gulped the stunned surgeon. "You're the first
159 patient who's asked me that after a tonsillectomy!"
163 Gimme Twinkies, gimme wine,
164 Gimme jeans by Calvin Kline....
165 But if you split those atoms fine,
166 Mama keep 'em off those genes of mine!
168 Gimme zits, take my dough,
169 Gimme arsenic in my jelly roll....
170 Call the devil and sell my soul,
171 But Mama keep dem atoms whole!
172 -- Milo Bloom, "Bloom County"
174 ... And then there's the guy who bought 20,000 bras, cut them in half,
175 and sold 40,000 yamalchas with chin straps....
177 ... But the reward of a successful collaboration is a thing that cannot
178 be produced by either of the parties working alone. It is akin to the
179 benefits of sex with a partner, as opposed to masturbation. The latter
180 is fun, but you show me anyone who has gotten a baby from playing with
181 him or herself, and I'll show you an ugly baby, with just a whole bunch
186 69 with two fingers up your ass.
189 ... Let me tell you who the actual "front-runners" are. On one side,
190 you have George Bush, who is currently going through a sort of
191 fraternity hazing wherein he has to perform a series of humiliating
192 stunts to win the approval of the Republican Right. For example, they
193 had him make a speech oozing praise all over William Loeb, deceased
194 publisher of the Manchester (N.H.) Union Leader and Slime Journalist.
195 Loeb had dumped viciously all over George in the 1980 New Hampshire
196 primary. But when the Right held a big tribute for Loeb, George came
197 back to the fold, like a man with a bungee cord wrapped around his
199 -- Dave Barry, "The Twinkie and the Squid"
201 ... So this is a very confusing situation, and what makes it even worse
202 is, our standards keep changing. Take Playboy magazine. Back in the
203 1950s, when I started reading it strictly for the articles, Playboy was
204 considered just about the raciest thing around, even though all it ever
205 showed was women's breasts. Granted, any given one of these breasts
206 would have provided adequate shelter for a family of four, but the
207 overall effect was no more explicit than many publications we think
208 nothing of today, such as Sports Illustrated's Annual Nipples Poking
209 Through Swimsuits Issue.
210 -- Dave Barry, "Pornography"
212 ... The Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost would never throw the Devil
213 out of Heaven as long as they still need him as a fourth for bridge.
214 -- Letter in NEW LIBERTARIAN NOTES #19
216 A bather whose clothing was strewed
217 By breezes that left her quite nude,
219 And, unless I'm quite wrong,
220 You expected this line to be lewd.
222 A beat schizophrenic said, "Me?
223 I am not I, I'm a tree."
224 But another, more sane,
225 Shouted, "I'm a Great Dane!"
226 And covered his pants leg with pee.
228 A bureaucracy is like a septic tank -- all the really big shits float
231 A Christian is a man who feels repentance on Sunday for what he did on
232 Saturday and is going to do on Monday.
235 A conservative is a man who believes that nothing should be done for
239 A conservative is a man with two perfectly good legs who has never
241 -- Franklin D. Roosevelt
243 A friend with weed is a friend indeed.
245 A hard man is good to find.
247 A man needs a mistress, just to break the monogamy.
249 A mathematician named Hall
250 Has a hexahedronical ball,
251 And the cube of its weight
252 Times his pecker's, plus eight
253 Is his phone number -- give him a call.
255 "A Mormon is a man that has the bad taste and the religion to do what a
256 good many other people are restrained from doing by conscientious
257 scruples and the police."
260 A Nixon [is preferable to] a Dean Rusk -- who will be passionately
261 wrong with a high sense of consistency.
264 A non-vegetarian anti-abortionist is a contradiction in terms.
267 A nymph hits you and steals your virginity.
269 A person who has both feet planted firmly in the air can be safely
272 A pretty young lady named Vogel
273 Once sat herself down on a molehill.
275 Nosed into her hole --
276 Ms. Vogel's ok, but the mole's ill.
278 A pretty young maiden from France
279 Decided she'd "just take a chance."
282 And now all her sisters are aunts.
284 A Puritan is someone who is deathly afraid that someone, somewhere, is
287 A reactionary is a man whose political opinions always manage to keep
290 A remarkable race are the Persians;
291 They have such peculiar diversions.
292 They make love the whole day
294 And save up the nights for perversions.
296 A team playing baseball in Dallas
297 Called the umpire blind out of malice.
298 While this worthy had fits
299 The team made eight hits
300 And a girl in the bleachers named Alice.
302 A wanton young lady from Wimley
303 Reproached for not acting quite primly
304 Said, "Heavens above!
305 I know sex isn't love,
306 But it's such an entrancing facsimile."
308 A widow who fancied a man some
309 Was diddled three times in a hansome.
310 When she clamored for more
311 Her young man became sore
312 And exclaimed "My name's Simpson not Samson."
314 "A woman is like a dresser ... some man always goin' through her
316 -- Blind Lemon Pledge
318 A worried young man from Stamboul
319 Founds lots of red spots on his tool.
320 Said the doctor, a cynic,
321 "Get out of my clinic;
322 Just wipe off the lipstick, you fool!"
324 Absinthe makes the tart grow fonder.
326 "Acceptance without proof is the fundamental characteristic of Western
327 religion, Rejection without proof is the fundamental characteristic of
329 -- Gary Zukav, "The Dancing Wu Li Masters"
331 Achilles' Biological Findings:
332 (1) If a child looks like his father, that's heredity. If he
333 looks like a neighbor, that's environment.
334 (2) A lot of time has been wasted arguing over what came first
335 -- the chicken or the egg. It was undoubtedly the
338 A.I. hackers do it with robots.
340 Aide to Raygun: Sir, the poor are outside protesting your budget
342 Raygun himself: Tell them they'll have to help themselves.
343 Aide to Raygun: Sir, the Pentagon wants another $30 billion.
344 Raygun himself: Tell them to help themselves.
346 All a hacker needs is a tight PUSHJ, a loose pair of UUOs, and a warm
349 All the waters of the earth are in the armpit of the Great Frog.
352 All things dull and ugly, All creatures short and squat,
353 All things rude and nasty, The Lord God made the lot;
354 Each little snake that poisons, Each little wasp that stings,
355 He made their brutish venom, He made their horrid wings.
356 All things sick and cancerous, All evil great and small,
357 All things foul and dangerous, The Lord God made them all.
358 Each nasty little hornet, Each beastly little squid.
359 Who made the spikey urchin? Who made the sharks? He did.
360 All things scabbed and ulcerous, All pox both great and small.
361 Putrid, foul and gangrenous, The Lord God made them all.
362 -- Monty Python's Flying Circus
364 America is a large, friendly dog in a very small room. Every time it
365 wags its tail, it knocks over a chair.
366 -- Arnold Joseph Toynbee
368 An architect fellow named Yoric
369 Could, when feeling euphoric,
370 Display for selection
371 Three kinds of erection --
372 Corinthian, ionic, and doric.
374 An Army travels on her stomach.
376 An egg has the shortest sex-life of all: it gets laid once; it gets
377 eaten once. It also has to come in a box with 11 others, and the only
378 person who will sit on its face is its mother.
380 "And Bezel saideth unto Sham: `Sham,' he saideth, `Thou shalt goest
381 unto the town of Begorrah, and there thou shalt fetcheth unto thine
382 bosom 35 talents, and also shalt thou fetcheth a like number of cubits,
383 provideth that they are nice and fresh.'"
384 -- Dave Barry, "Getting Religion"
387 The first time you can't do it a second time.
390 The second time you can't do it the first time.
392 "Anything created must necessarily be inferior to the essence of the creator."
395 "Einstein's mother must have been one heck of a physicist."
398 "Approximately 80% of our air pollution stems from hydrocarbons
399 released by vegetation, so let's not go overboard in setting and
400 enforcing tough emissions standards from man-made sources."
403 As Rev. Spooner would say, you are a shining wit.
405 Back in the good ole days in Texas, when stagecoaches and the like was
406 popular, there were three people in a stagecoach one day: a true red-
407 blooded born-and-raised Texas gentleman, a tenderfoot city-slicker from
408 back East, and a beautiful and well-endowed Texas lady. The city-
409 slicker kept eyeing the lady, and finally he leaned forward and said,
410 "Lady, I'll give you $10 for a blow job." The Texas gentleman looked
411 appalled, pulled out his pistol, and killed the city-slicker on the
412 spot. The lady gasped and said, "Thank you, suh, for defendin' mah
413 honor!" Whereupon the Texan holstered his gun and said, "Your honor,
414 hell! No tenderfoot is gonna raise the price of women in Texas!"
417 Where the women wear turtleneck sweaters to hide their flea
420 Bankers do it with interest (penalty for early withdrawal).
422 "Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think
423 Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today?
425 (1) Writing his memoirs of the Civil War.
426 (2) Advising the President.
427 (3) Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin."
430 Be prepared... that's the Boy Scout's solemn creed.
431 Be prepared... to be clean in word and deed.
432 Don't solicit for your sister, that's not nice,
433 Unless you get a good percentage of her price ...
436 Behold the unborn fetus and
437 Weep salt tears crocodilian;
438 All life is sacred (save, of course,
441 Being stoned on marijuana isn't very different from being stoned on
445 Beneath this stone a virgin lies,
446 For her life held no terrors.
447 A virgin born, a virgin died:
448 No hits, no runs, no errors.
450 Beware of altruism. It is based on self-deception, the root of all
453 Blessed are the meek for they shall inhibit the earth.
455 Booze is the answer. I don't remember the question.
457 Build a better mousetrap, the saying goes -- and with the brassiere,
458 Yankee Ingenuity did exactly that. But their true stroke of genius was
459 the new bait. The old fashioned mousetrap was loaded with cheese;
460 nobody cares much about cheese, except mice. But when American
461 Know-How reloaded the brassiere with tits, every heterosexual male in
462 the country was hopelessly trapped.
463 -- Alan Sherman, "The Rape of the A*P*E*"
465 "California is proud to be the home of the freeway."
468 "Can you hammer a 6-inch spike into a wooden plank with your penis?"
472 "Tsk. A girl has to have some standards."
475 Captain Hook died of jock itch.
477 Champagne don't make me lazy.
478 Cocaine don't drive me crazy.
479 Ain't nobody's business but my own.
484 Chipmunks roasting on an open fire
485 Jack Frost ripping up your nose
486 Yuletide carolers being thrown in the fire
487 And folks dressed up like buffaloes
488 Everybody knows a turkey slaughtered in the snow
489 Helps to make the season right
490 Tiny tots with their eyes all gouged out
491 Will find it hard to see tonight
492 They know that Santa's on his way
493 He's loaded lots of guns and bullets on his sleigh
494 And every mother's child is sure to spy
495 To see if reindeer really scream when they die
496 And so I'm offering this simple phrase
497 To kids from one to ninety two
498 Although it's been said many times, many ways
499 Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Fuck you!!
502 One who believes that the New Testament is a divinely inspired
503 book admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbor. One who
504 follows the teachings of Christ in so far as they are not inconsistent
507 Christianity has not been tried and found wanting; it has been found
508 difficult and not tried.
512 Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from
516 In spite of all evidence to the contrary, the entire universe
517 is composed of only two basic substances: magic and bullshit.
520 There is no magic....
522 Claude believed that only smart attractive people had the right to
523 fuck, and it sincerely hurt him when he discovered evidence to the
527 CLONE OF MY OWN (to Home on the Range)
530 Of my own flesh and bone
531 With the Y chromosome changed to X.
532 And when she is grown,
534 We'll be of the opposite sex.
537 Clone, clone of my own,
538 With the Y chromosome changed to X.
539 And when we're alone,
540 Since her mind is my own,
541 She'll be thinking of nothing but sex.
544 Cocaine is nature's way of telling you you have too much money.
548 College is like a woman -- you work so hard to get in, and nine months
549 later you wish you'd never come.
551 Communists do it without class.
553 Condoms are like listening to a symphony with cotton in your ears.
556 One who admires radicals centuries after they're dead.
559 Conserve energy -- make love more slowly.
561 Cunnilingus is next to godliness.
563 Dammit, how many times do I have to tell you? _____
\b\b\b\b\bFIRST you rape, ____
\b\b\b\bTHEN you
566 Dear Lord, observe this bended knee
567 This visage meek and humble,
568 And hear this confidential plea
569 Voiced in reverent mumble:
570 Give me Shylock, give me Fagin
571 But O God spare me Ronald Reagan!
574 "Dear Mr. Seldes: I cannot remember the exact wording of the statement
575 to which you allude; but what I meant was that ... a man who calls
576 himself a 100% American and is proud of it, is generally 150% an idiot
577 politically. But the designations may be good business for war
578 veterans. Having bled for their country in 1861 and 1918, they have
579 bled it all they could consequently. And why not?"
580 -- George Seldes, "The Great Quotations"
582 Democracy can learn some things from Communism: for example, when a
583 Communist politician is through, he is through.
585 Democracy means simply the bludgeoning of the people by the people for
589 Did you hear about the new German microwave oven?
593 Did you know that Spiro Agnew is an anagram of "Grow a Penis"?
595 Did you know that there are 71.9 acres of nipple tissue in the U.S.?
597 [District Attorneys] learn in District Attorney School that there are
598 two sure-fire ways to get a lot of favorable publicity:
600 (1) Go down and raid all the lockers in the local high school and
601 confiscate 53 marijuana cigarettes and put them in a pile and hold
602 a press conference where you announce that they have a street value
603 of $850 million. These raids never fail, because ALL high schools,
604 including brand-new, never-used ones, have at least 53 marijuana
605 cigarettes in the lockers. As far as anyone can tell, the locker
606 factory puts them there.
607 (2) Raid an "adult book store" and hold a press conference where you
608 announce you are charging the owner with 850 counts of being a
609 piece of human sleaze. This also never fails, because you always
610 get a conviction. A juror at a pornography trial is not about to
611 state for the record that he finds nothing obscene about a movie
612 where actors engage in sexual activities with live snakes and a
613 fire extinguisher. He is going to convict the bookstore owner, and
614 vote for the death penalty just to make sure nobody gets the wrong
616 -- Dave Barry, "Pornography"
618 Do something big -- fuck a giant
620 "Do you cheat on your wife?" asked the psychiatrist.
621 "Who else?" answered the patient.
623 Doctors take two aspirin and do it in the morning.
625 "Don't let your mouth write no check that your tail can't cash."
628 Dope will get you through times of no money better that money will get
629 you through times of no dope.
632 Draft beer, not people
634 Eat the rich -- the poor are tough and stringy.
636 Eisenhower was very nice,
637 Nixon was his only vice.
640 Eleven reasons a cucumber is better than a man:
641 (1) Cucumbers can stay up all night, and you won't have to
642 sleep in the wet spot.
643 (2) Cucumbers don't play the guitar and try to find
645 (3) You won't find out later that your cucumber (a) is
646 married, (b) is on penicillin, (c) likes you -- but loves
648 (4) A cucumber won't care what time of the month it is.
649 (5) A cucumber never wants to get it on when your nails are
651 (6) Cucumbers don't say "Let's keep trying until we have a
653 (7) Cucumbers won't tell you size doesn't count.
654 (8) A cucumber won't leave you for a cheerleader or an ex-nun.
655 (9) Cucumbers don't fall asleep on your chest or drool on the
657 (10) Cucumbers don't care if you make more money than they do.
658 (11) With a cucumber, the toilet seat is always the way you
661 Equality is not when a female Einstein gets promoted to assistant
662 professor; equality is when a female schlemiel moves ahead as fast as a
666 Evangelists do it with Him watching.
668 "Even nowadays a man can't step up and kill a woman without feeling
669 just a bit unchivalrous ..."
672 Feminists say 60 percent of the country's wealth is in the hands of
673 women. They're letting men hold the other 40 percent because their
677 Fie for shame, you lascivious, lewd, lecherous, libidinous, lustful,
678 licentious, dirty bum!!
680 Floppy now, hard later.
682 For those of you how have been looking for evidence that a working
683 version of "Star Wars" can be built, consider the following proof
684 offered by Caspar Weinberger:
686 "If such a system is so unattainable, why have the Soviets been
687 working desperately to get it for over 17 years?"
689 -- USA Today, 24 June 1986
692 Term used by people who don't have anybody to screw with.
694 Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #25:
696 Q: You say you had three men punching at you, kicking you, raping you,
697 and you didn't scream?
699 Q: Does that mean you consented?
700 A: No, ma'am. That means I was unconscious.
702 George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but
703 he also admitted doing it. Now, do you know why his father didn't
704 punish him? Because George still had the axe in his hand.
706 Getting an education at the University of California is like having
707 $50.00 shoved up your ass, a nickel at a time.
709 "Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company."
712 God gives us relatives; thank goodness we can chose our friends.
717 which is applied GOVERNMENT
718 which is applied POLITICS
719 which is applied ADVERTISING
720 which is applied SOCIOLOGY
721 which is applied PSYCHOLOGY
722 which is applied BIOLOGY
723 which is applied CHEMISTRY
724 which is applied PHYSICS
725 which is applied MATH
726 which is applied PHILOSOPHY
727 which is applied BULLSHIT
729 "God is as real as I am," the old man said. My faith was restored, for
730 I knew that Santa would never lie.
732 "God is big, so don't fuck with him."
734 God isn't dead -- he's been busted.
736 God isn't dead, He's just trying to avoid the draft.
738 God must love assholes -- She made so many of them.
740 God wanted to have a holiday, so He asked St. Peter for suggestions on
742 "Why not go to Jupiter?" asked St. Peter.
743 "No, too much gravity, too much stomping around," said God.
744 "Well, how about Mercury?"
745 "No, it's too hot there."
746 "Okay," said St. Peter, "What about Earth?"
747 "No," said God, "They're such horrible gossips. When I was
748 there 2000 years ago, I had an affair with a Jewish woman, and they're
749 still talking about it."
751 Good day for water sports. Take a bath with a friend.
753 Grain grows best in shit.
756 Gravity is an unforgiving motherfucker.
759 A man who can breathe through his ears.
761 Hackers do it with all sorts of characters.
763 Hackers do it with bugs.
765 Hackers do it with fewer instructions.
767 Hackers know all the right MOVs.
770 Haggis is a kind of stuff black pudding eaten by the Scots and
771 considered by them to be not only a delicacy but fit for human
772 consumption. The minced heart, liver and lungs of a sheep, calf or
773 other animal's inner organs are mixed with oatmeal, sealed and boiled
774 in maw in the sheep's intestinal stomach-bag and ... Excuse me a minute....
776 Hardly a pure science, history is closer to animal husbandry than it is
777 to mathematics, in that it involves selective breeding. The principal
778 difference between the husbandryman and the historian is that the
779 former breeds sheep or cows or such, and the latter breeds (assumed)
780 facts. The husbandryman uses his skills to enrich the future; the
781 historian uses his to enrich the past. Both are usually up to their
785 Having discovered the possibility that other creatures could be used
786 for sexual intercourse, early man was likely to have made many such
787 attempts ... though it is doubtful that he was so sexually carnivorous
788 as the Christian and Jewish Adam, who, rabbinical interpreters of the
789 Old Testament tell us, had intercourse with every creature before God
790 finally hit upon the idea of woman and created Eve.
793 "He could be a poster child for retroactive birth control."
795 He hated to mend, so young Ned
796 Called in a cute neighbor instead.
797 Her husband said, "Vi,
798 When you stitched up his torn fly,
799 Did you have to bite off the thread?"
801 He wasn't much of an actor, he wasn't much of a Governor -- Hell, they
802 _
\bH_
\bA_
\bD to make him President of the United States. It's the only job he's
806 He who findeth sensuous pleasures in the bodies of lush, hot, pink
807 damsels is not righteous, but he can have a lot more fun.
809 He who sneezes without a handkerchief takes matters into his own
812 Her figure described a set of parabolas that could cause cardiac arrest
816 Her kisses left something to be desired -- the rest of her.
818 Here is the problem: for many years, the Supreme Court wrestled with
819 the issue of pornography, until finally Associate Justice John Paul
820 Stevens came up with the famous quotation about how he couldn't define
821 pornography, but he knew it when he saw it. So for a while, the
822 court's policy was to have all the suspected pornography trucked to
823 Justice Stevens' house, where he would look it over. "Nope, this isn't
824 it," he'd say. "Bring some more." This went on until one morning when
825 his housekeeper found him trapped in the recreation room under an
826 enormous mound of rubberized implements, and the court had to issue a
827 ruling stating that it didn't know what the hell pornography was except
828 that it was illegal and everybody should stop badgering the court about
829 it because the court was going to take a nap.
830 -- Dave Barry, "Pornography"
832 "Here's the holiday schedule for Monday's observation of Martin Luther
833 King Jr.'s birthday, when the following will be closed:
835 * Governmental offices
840 * Parts of Palm Beach
842 and the mind of Senator Jesse Helms of North Carolina."
843 -- Dennis Miller, "Saturday Night Live"
845 "He's not pining, he's passed on! This parrot won't squawk! He's
846 ceased to be! He's expired, and gone to meet his maker! It's a
847 stiff! No breath of life, he may rest in peace! If you hadn't nailed
848 him to the perch, he'd be pushing up the daisies! He's off the twig!
849 He's kicked the bucket! He's curled up his tooties! He's shuffled off
850 this mortal world! He's run down the curtain, and joined the bleed'n
851 Choir Invincible! HE'S FUCKING SNUFFED IT! Vis-a-vi his metabolic
852 processes is head is lost. All statements concerning this parrot is no
853 longer a going concern, after from now on, Inoperative...
855 THIS IS AN EX-PARROT!!"
857 History has the relation to truth that theology has to religion --
858 i.e., none to speak of.
861 "How do you like the new America? We've cut the fat out of the
862 government, and more recently the heart and brain (the backbone was
863 gone some time ago). All we seem to have left now is muscle. We'll be
864 lucky to escape with our skins!"
866 Howard Cosell's biggest protrusion is his asshole.
869 Hugh Hefner is a virgin.
871 I am an atheist, thank God!
873 I believe that Ronald Reagan will someday make this country what it
874 once was ... an arctic wilderness
877 I came; I saw; I fucked up.
880 Who goes in and out with me
881 And everything that baby does
883 And everything that baby says,
884 My daddy's sure to tell.
885 You _
\bm_
\bu_
\bs_
\bt have read my daddy's verse.
886 I hope he fries in Hell.
889 I love this fucking University, and this University loves fucking me.
891 I once met a lassie named Ruth
892 In a long distance telephone booth.
893 Now I know the perfection
894 Of an ideal connection
895 Even if somewhat uncouth.
897 "I own my own body, but I share."
899 I realize that today you have a number of top female athletes such as
900 Martina Navratilova who can run like deer and bench-press Chevrolet
901 trucks. But to be brutally frank, women as a group have a long way to
902 go before they reach the level of intensity and dedication to sports
903 that enables men to be such incredible jerks about it.
904 -- Dave Barry, "Sports is a Drag"
906 I regret to say that we of the F.B.I. are powerless to act in cases of
907 oral-genital intimacy, unless it has in some way obstructed interstate
911 I think every good Christian ought to kick Falwell right in the ass.
914 I think pop music has done more for oral intercourse than anything else
915 that has ever happened, and vice versa.
918 I walked on toward Ploughwright, thinking about feces. What a lot we
919 had found out about the prehistoric past from the study of fossilized
920 dung of long-vanished animals. A miraculous thing, really; a recovery
921 from the past from what was carelessly rejected. And in the Middle
922 Ages, how concerned people who lived close to the world of nature were
923 with the feces of animals. And what a variety of names they had for
924 them: the Crotels of a Hare, the Friants of a Boar, the Spraints of
925 an Otter, the Werderobe of a Badger, the Waggying of a Fox, the Fumets
926 of a Deer. Surely there might be some words for the material so near
927 to the heart of Ozy Froats [an academic studying feces] than shit?
928 What about the Problems of a President, the Backward Passes of a
929 Footballer, the Deferrals of a Dean, the Odd Volumes of a Librarian,
930 the Footnotes of a Ph.D., the Low Grades of a Freshman, the Anxieties
931 of an Untenured Professor?
932 -- Robertson Davies, "The Rebel Angels"
934 I would like to suggest that you not use speed, and here's why: it is
935 going to mess up your heart, mess up your liver, your kidneys, rot out
936 your mind. In general this drug will make you just like your mother
940 I wouldn't mind dying -- it's that business of having to stay dead that
941 scares the shit out of me.
944 I'd like to meet the man who invented sex and see what he's working on
947 If a child annoys you, quiet him by brushing his hair. If this doesn't
948 work, use the other side of the brush on the other end of the child.
950 If all these sweet young things were laid end-to-end, I wouldn't be a
954 "If anyone wants to trade a couple of centrally located, well-cushioned
955 showgirls for an eroded slope 90 minutes from Broadway, I'll be on this
956 corner tomorrow at 11 with my tongue hanging out."
959 If clear thinking created sparks, we could safely store dynamite in
961 -- Wayne Shannon, KRON-TV
963 "If God had wanted us to use the metric system, Jesus would have had 10
966 If guns are outlawed, how will we shoot the liberals?
968 If Helen Keller is alone in a forest and falls, does she make a sound?
970 If men could get pregnant, abortion would be a sacrament.
972 If Reagan is the answer, it must have been a VERY silly question.
974 If someone were to ask me for a short cut to sensuality, I would
975 suggest he go shopping for a used 427 Shelby-Cobra. But it is only
976 fair to warn you that of the 300 guys who switched to them in 1966,
977 only two went back to women.
980 If the American dream is for Americans only, it will remain our dream
981 and never be our destiny.
982 -- Ren'
\be de Visme Williamson
984 If you can believe ten impossible things before breakfast, then you
987 THE CHURCH OF COUNTERFACTUAL BELIEF
989 The Church of Counterfactual Belief has been set up to cater to all who
990 don't allow demonstrable truth to get in the way of their beliefs. In
991 addition to creation science and the flatness of the earth, the
992 following beliefs have been certified by Pope Duane as Church dogma:
994 -- That there is a hole in the Earth at the North Pole from which
996 -- That pi equals precisely 3.000.
997 -- That sex can be enjoyed only by blacks and homosexuals.
998 -- That Billy Joe Wilson (Hoopla, Miss.) has successfully squared
1000 -- That Harry Truman is still president, and doing a fine job.
1001 -- That pi equals precisely 22/7.
1003 Several other important counterfactual beliefs are presently being
1004 studied, including Reaganomics, A.I., and that the moon landings were
1005 done in a Hollywood special effects studio. These will be the subject
1006 of a forthcoming Papal Bull ...
1008 If you meet somebody who tells you that he loves you more than anybody
1009 in the whole wide world, don't trust him. It means he experiments.
1011 If you think sex is a pain in the ass, try a different position.
1013 "If you're a real good kid, I'll give you a piggy-back ride on a
1017 Ignorance is the Mother of Devotion.
1020 I'm for peace -- I've yet to see a man wake up in the morning and say
1021 "I've just had a good war."
1024 I'm going to Iowa for an award. Then I'm appearing at Carnegie Hall,
1025 it's sold out. Then I'm sailing to France to be honored by the French
1026 government -- I'd give it all up for one erection.
1029 "In Christianity neither morality nor religion come into contact with
1030 reality at any point."
1031 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
1033 In the Garden of Eden sat Adam,
1034 Massaging the bust of his madam,
1035 He chuckled with mirth,
1036 For he knew that on earth,
1037 There were only two boobs and he had 'em.
1042 "Is it just me, or does anyone else read `bible humpers' every time
1043 someone writes `bible thumpers?'"
1044 -- Joel M. Snyder, jms@mis.arizona.edu
1046 It is a sad commentary on today's society that this fortune has to be
1047 classified as "offensive" simply because it contains the word "fuck".
1049 "It says he made us all to be just like him. So if we're dumb, then
1050 god is dumb, and maybe even a little ugly on the side."
1053 "It was a Roman who said it was sweet to die for one's country. The
1054 Greeks never said it was sweet to die for anything. They had no vital
1056 -- Edith Hamilton, "The Greek Way"
1058 "I've had one child. My husband wants to have another. I'd like to
1059 watch him have another."
1061 Jesus died for your sins. Make it worth his time.
1063 "Jesus saves... but Gretzky gets the rebound!"
1066 Jesus was killed by a Moral Majority.
1068 John Birch Society -- that pathetic manifestation of organized
1073 Kasha is always defined as "buckwheat groats". There's only
1074 one problem with this definition: what the fuck are "buckwheat
1075 groats"? *_
\bI* know what they are -- they're kasha. But that doesn't
1076 help *___
\b\b\byou* much.
1077 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
1079 Kill a commie for Christ!
1081 Laissez Faire Economics is the theory that if each acts like a vulture,
1082 all will end as doves.
1084 Large cats can be dangerous, but a little pussy never hurt anyone.
1086 LET Jesus be YOUR anchor!
1088 So when Satan rocks your boat, THROW Jesus overboard!
1090 Life is like a penis: when it's soft you can't beat it, and when it's
1091 hard you get fucked.
1093 Lisp hackers have to be bound (to-do 'it)....
1095 Living in Hollywood is like living in a bowl of granola. What ain't
1096 fruits and nuts is flakes.
1098 Love does not make the world go around, just up and down a bit.
1100 Mathematicians do it in theory.
1102 Mathematicians take it to the limit.
1104 May a diseased yak take a liking to your sister.
1106 May the fairy god-camel leave a lump on your pillow!
1108 Mayor Vincent J. `Buddy' Cianci on the ACLU's suit to have a city
1109 nativity scene removed:
1110 "They're just jealous because they don't have three wise men
1111 and a virgin in the whole organization."
1113 Megaton Man: "LOOK at them! Helpless, tender creatures, relying on
1114 ME, waiting for ME to make my move!"
1116 (from below): "Move your ASS, Fat-head!"
1118 Megaton Man: "It is a MANDATE, and I am DUTY BOUND to OBEY!"
1120 Missionary Position:
1121 The missionary on top.
1123 "Most legislators are so dumb that they couldn't pour piss out of a
1124 boot if the instructions were printed on the heel."
1126 Motto of the Electrical Engineer:
1127 Working computer hardware is a lot like an erect penis: it
1128 stays up as long as you don't fuck with it.
1130 My brother-in-law has found a way to make ends meet. He goes around
1131 with his head stuck up his ass.
1133 "My country, right or wrong," is a thing that no patriot would think of
1134 saying except in a desperate case. It is like saying, "My mother,
1138 My father was a creole, his father a Negro, and his father a monkey; my
1139 family, it seems, begins where yours left off.
1140 -- Alexandre Dumas, pere
1142 No woman can call herself free until she can choose consciously whether
1143 she will or will not be a mother.
1144 -- Margaret H. Sanger
1146 "Not only is God dead, but just try to find a plumber on weekends."
1149 Nothing is better than Sex.
1150 Masturbation is better than nothing.
1151 Therefore, Masturbation is better than Sex.
1153 Nuke the gay, unborn, baby whales for Jesus.
1155 Obscenity is the crutch of inarticulate motherfuckers.
1158 The part of the world lying west (or east) of the Orient. It
1159 is largely inhabited by Christians, powerful sub-tribe of the
1160 Hypocrites, whose principal industries are murder and cheating, which
1161 they are pleased to call "war" and "commerce." These, also, are the
1162 principal industries of the Orient.
1163 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
1166 A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for
1167 man -- who has no gills.
1169 Once a young gay from Khartoum
1170 Took a lesbian up to his room.
1171 They argued all night
1172 Over who had the right
1173 To do what, and with which, and to whom.
1175 Once upon a time, there was a non-conforming sparrow who decided not to
1176 fly south for the winter. However, soon after the weather turned cold,
1177 the sparrow changed his mind and reluctantly started to fly south.
1178 After a short time, ice began to form his on his wings and he fell to
1179 earth in a barnyard almost frozen. A cow passed by and crapped on this
1180 little bird and the sparrow thought it was the end, but the manure
1181 warmed him and defrosted his wings. Warm and happy the little sparrow
1182 began to sing. Just then, a large Tom cat came by and hearing the
1183 chirping investigated the sounds. As Old Tom cleared away the manure,
1184 he found the chirping bird and promptly ate him.
1186 There are three morals to this story:
1188 (1) Everyone who shits on you is not necessarily your enemy.
1189 (2) Everyone who gets you out of shit is not necessarily your friend.
1190 (3) If you are warm and happy in a pile of shit, keep your mouth shut.
1192 One day President Reagan, Chairman Andropov, the Pope, and a boy scout
1193 were flying together in an airplane. Right out in the middle of
1194 nowhere the plane developed engine trouble and started to go down.
1195 Unfortunately, only three parachutes could be found for the four
1196 passengers! Andropov grabbed one of the parachutes and declared
1197 "Comrades, as leader of the socialist workers revolution, my life must
1198 be spared," and he jumped out of the plane. Then Reagan exclaimed "As
1199 leader of the greatest nation on earth, I must keep the world safe for
1200 democracy," and with that he too jumped to safety. Now if you are
1201 following all this (or counting on your fingers) you must see that
1202 there is only one parachute left for the two remaining passengers. The
1203 Pope looked kindly upon the boy scout and said "I have had a long and
1204 productive life, my son. You take the parachute and leave me in God's
1205 hands." "That's very kind of you," the observant scout replied, "but
1206 there is no need. Reagan just jumped out with my knapsack."
1208 "One Saturday afternoon, during the campaign to decide whether or not
1209 there should be a Coastal Commission, I took a helicopter ride from Los
1210 Angeles to San Diego. We passed several state beaches, some crowded
1211 and some virtually empty. They had the same facilities, and in some
1212 cases the crowded and the empty beach were within a quarter mile of
1213 each other. Obviously many beach-goers prefer to be crowded together.
1214 Buying more beaches that people won't go to because they prefer to be
1215 crowded together on one beach is a ridiculous waste of our natural
1216 resources and our taxes."
1219 One thing I have no worry about is whether God exists. But it has
1220 occurred to me that God has Alzheimer's and has forgotten we exist.
1221 -- Jane Wagner, "The Search for Signs of Intelligent
1222 Life in the Universe"
1224 Opinions are like assholes -- everyone's got one, but nobody wants to
1225 look at the other guy's.
1228 O'Riordan's Theorem:
1229 Brains x Beauty = Constant.
1232 As the limit of (Brains x Beauty) goes to infinity,
1233 availability goes to zero.
1235 "Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear -- kept us in
1236 a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor -- with the cry of grave
1237 national emergency... Always there has been some terrible evil to
1238 gobble us up if we did not blindly rally behind it by furnishing the
1239 exorbitant sums demanded. Yet, in retrospect, these disasters seem
1240 never to have happened, seem never to have been quite real."
1241 -- General Douglas MacArthur, 1957
1243 Our [softball] team usually puts the other woman at second base, where
1244 the maximum possible number of males can get there on short notice to
1245 help out in case of emergency. As far as I can tell, our second
1246 basewoman is a pretty good baseball player, better than I am, anyway,
1247 but there's no way to know for sure because if the ball gets anywhere
1248 near her, a male comes barging over from, say, right field, to deal
1249 with it. She's been on the team for three seasons now, but the males
1250 still don't trust her. They know, deep in their souls, that if she had
1251 to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she
1252 probably would elect to save the infant's life, without ever
1253 considering whether there were men on base.
1254 -- Dave Barry, "Sports is a Drag"
1256 People who develop the habit of thinking of themselves as world
1257 citizens are fulfilling the first requirement of sanity in our time.
1260 Physicists do it with charm.
1262 Politicians do it to everyone.
1264 Posterity will ne'er survey
1265 A nobler grave than this;
1266 Here lie the bones of Castlereagh;
1267 Stop, traveler, and piss.
1268 -- Lord Byron, on Lord Castlereagh
1270 Procrastinators do it tomorrow.
1272 Prostitution is the only business where you can go into the hole and
1273 still come out ahead.
1275 Q: How do you play religious roulette?
1276 A: You stand around in a circle and blaspheme and see who gets struck
1279 Q: How do you tell if an elephant has been making love in your
1281 A: If all your trashcan liners are missing....
1283 Q: How do you tell if you're making love to a nurse, a schoolteacher,
1284 or an airline stewardess?
1285 A: A nurse says: "This won't hurt a bit." A schoolteacher says:
1286 "We're going to have to do this over and over again until we get it
1287 right." An airline stewardess says: "Just hold this over your
1288 mouth and nose, and breath normally."
1290 Q: How many right-to-lifers does it take to change a light bulb?
1291 A: Two. One to screw it in and one to say that light started when the
1294 Q: How many supply-siders does it take to change a light bulb?
1295 A: None. The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself.
1297 Q: How much money do you give to a 900 foot Jesus?
1298 A: As much as he wants.
1300 Q: If Tarzan was Jewish, and Jane was a princess, what would Cheetah
1304 Q: What do you do with an elephant with three balls?
1305 A: Walk him and pitch to the rhino.
1307 Q: What do you get when you cross James Dean with Ronald Reagan?
1308 A: A rebel without a clue.
1310 Q: What is "SMOORPLAY"?
1311 A: It's what SMURFS do before they SMUCK, of course!
1313 Q: What is the worst story Helen Keller ever read?
1316 Q: What's Jewish foreplay?
1317 A: Two hours of begging.
1319 Q: Where can you buy black lace crotchless panties for sheep?
1320 A: Fredrick's of Ithaca, New York.
1322 Q: Where does virgin wool come from?
1325 Q: Why does Helen Keller masturbate with one hand?
1326 A: So she can moan with the other!
1328 "Queensboro president Donald Mannis, charged with receiving bribes in
1329 exchange for city contracts, resigned on Tuesday. Mannis feels he must
1330 devote more time to impending litigation, some of which might emanate
1331 from a recent statement he made comparing New York Mayor Ed Koch to
1332 Nazi Martin Bormann. A spokesman from the Bormann estate said they are
1333 weighing the odds of a slander suit. Mayor Koch could naturally be
1334 reached for comment, but we chose not to listen."
1335 -- Dennis Miller, "Saturday Night Live"
1338 A nonsensical poem recited by Irish schoolboys as an apology
1339 for farting at a friend.
1340 -- Mrs. Byrne's Dictionary of Unusual, Obscure &
1343 Reagan can't _
\ba_
\bc_
\bt, either.
1345 Remember when you were a kid and the boys didn't like the girls? Only
1346 sissies liked girls? What I'm trying to tell you is that nothing's
1347 changed. You think boys grow out of not liking girls, but we don't
1348 grow out of it. We just grow horny. That's the problem. We mix up
1349 liking pussy for liking girls. Believe me, one couldn't have less to
1353 Republicans consume three-fourths of the rutabaga produced in this
1354 country. The remainder is thrown out.
1356 Republicans raise dahlias, Dalmatians and eyebrows.
1357 Democrats raise Airedales, kids and taxes.
1359 Democrats eat the fish they catch.
1360 Republicans hang them on the wall.
1362 Republican boys date Democratic girls. They plan to marry Republican
1363 girls, but feel they're entitled to a little fun first.
1365 Democrats make up plans and then do something else.
1366 Republicans follow the plans their grandfathers made.
1368 Republicans consume three-fourths of the rutabaga produced in the USA.
1369 The remainder is thrown out.
1371 Republicans sleep in twin beds -- some even in separate rooms.
1372 That is why there are more Democrats.
1373 -- The Official Rules, as compiled by Paul Dickson
1375 Republicans tend to keep their shades drawn, although there is seldom
1376 any reason why they should. Democrats ought to, but don't.
1378 Ronald Reagan -- America's favorite placebo
1380 Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life:
1382 (1) The greatest threat to the human spirit is liberalism.
1384 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc.
1386 Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life:
1388 (10) Liberalism poisons the soul.
1390 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc.
1392 Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life:
1394 (11) Neither the United States, nor anyone else, "imposes" freedom on
1395 the people of other nations. Freedom is not an imposition.
1397 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc.
1399 Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life:
1401 (12) Freedom is God-given.
1403 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc.
1405 Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life:
1407 (13) To dictatorships, peace means the absence of opposition.
1409 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc.
1411 Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life:
1413 (14) To free people, peace means the absence of threat.
1415 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc.
1417 Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life:
1419 (15) The Peace Movement in the United States was, whether by accident or
1420 design, pro-communist.
1422 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc.
1424 Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life:
1426 (16) The collective knowledge and wisdom of seasoned citizens is the
1427 most valuable, yet untapped, resource our young people have.
1429 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc.
1431 Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life:
1433 (17) The greatest football team in the history of civilization was the
1434 Pittsburgh Steelers of 1975 through 1980.
1436 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc.
1438 Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life:
1440 (18) There is no such thing as "war atrocities." War is an atrocity.
1442 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc.
1444 Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life:
1446 (19) Regardless of the pain in our memories, nostalgia only reminds us
1447 of the good times in our past.
1449 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc.
1451 Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life:
1453 (2) The single greatest threat to the free people of the world is posed
1454 by the heinous idea of centralized government control.
1456 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc.
1458 Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life:
1460 (20) There is a God.
1462 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc.
1464 Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life:
1466 (21) Abortion is wrong.
1468 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc.
1470 Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life:
1472 (22) Morality is not defined by individual choice.
1474 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc.
1476 Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life:
1478 (23) Evolution cannot explain creation.
1480 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc.
1482 Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life:
1484 (24) Feminism was established so that unattractive women could have
1485 easier access to the mainstream of society.
1487 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc.
1489 Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life:
1491 (25) Love is the only human emotion which cannot be controlled. You
1492 either do or you don't. You can't fake it. (Except women, and
1493 thank God they can.)
1495 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc.
1497 Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life:
1499 (26) The only difference between Mikhail Gorbachev and previous Soviet
1500 leaders is that he is alive.
1502 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc.
1504 Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life:
1506 (27) Soviet leaders were actually left-wing dictators.
1508 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc.
1510 Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life:
1512 (28) Abraham Lincoln saved this nation.
1514 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc.
1516 Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life:
1518 (29) The Los Angeles Raiders will never be the team they were when they
1519 called Oakland home.
1521 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc.
1523 Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life:
1525 (3) Peace does not mean the elimination of nuclear weapons.
1527 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc.
1529 Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life:
1531 (30) The United States will again go to war.
1533 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc.
1535 Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life:
1537 (31) To more and more American intellectuals, a victorious United States
1538 is a sinful United States.
1540 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc.
1542 Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life:
1544 (32) The fact that American intellectuals rue a victorious United States
1545 is frightening and ominous.
1547 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc.
1549 Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life:
1551 (33) There will always be poor people.
1553 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc.
1555 Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life:
1557 (34) The fact that there will always be poor people is not the fault of
1560 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc.
1562 Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life:
1564 (35) Rather than feel guilty as some do, you should thank God for making
1567 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc.
1569 Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life:
1571 (4) Peace does not mean the absence of war.
1573 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc.
1575 Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life:
1577 (5) War is not obsolete.
1579 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc.
1581 Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life:
1583 (6) Ours is a world governed by the aggressive use of force.
1585 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc.
1587 Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life:
1589 (7) There is only one way to eliminate nuclear weapons. Use them.
1591 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc.
1593 Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life:
1595 (8) Peace cannot be achieved merely by developing an "understanding"
1598 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc.
1600 Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life:
1602 (9) Americans opposing America is not always sacred nor courageous ...
1603 it is sometimes dangerous.
1605 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc.
1607 Said a horny young girl from Milpitas,
1608 "My favorite sport is coitus."
1609 But a fullback from State
1610 Made her period late,
1611 And now she has athlete's fetus.
1613 Said a swinging young chick named Lyth
1614 Whose virtue was largely a myth,
1615 "Try as hard as I can,
1617 That it's fun to be virtuous with."
1619 Said Einstein, "I have an equation
1620 Which to some may seem rabelaisian:
1621 Let _
\bV be virginity
1622 Approaching infinity;
1623 Let _
\bP be a constant persuasion;
1625 "Let _
\bV over _
\bP be inverted
1626 With the square root of _
\bM_
\bu inserted
1627 _
\bN times into _
\bV....
1629 Is a relative!" Einstein asserted.
1631 Save Soviet Jewry -- Win Valuable Prizes!!!!
1633 Sex is like a bridge game -- If you have a good hand no partner is
1636 Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation ... the other eight
1640 Sex is the poor man's opera.
1643 She asked me if I loved her still. "Yes," I replied. "I've never had
1646 She hates testicles, thus limiting the men she can admire to Democratic
1647 candidates for president.
1648 -- John Greenway, "The American Tradition", on feminist
1649 Elizabeth Gould Davis
1651 Sooner or later, generals will own you.
1653 Statisticians do it with 95% confidence.
1655 Statisticians probably do it.
1658 From the root "sub", below, and the Latin "poena" for male
1659 organ or penis. Therefore, "below the penis" or "by the balls."
1661 Support the right of unborn males to bear arms!
1662 -- A public service announcement from Phyllis Schlafly,
1663 the Catholic Church, and the National Rifle
1666 Sure eating yogurt will improve your sex life. People know that if
1667 you'll eat that stuff, you'll eat anything.
1669 Sure, Reagan has promised to take senility tests. But what if he
1672 "Taxes should hurt. I just mailed my own tax return last night and I
1673 am prepared to say `ouch!' as loud as anyone."
1676 "The Army is a place where you get up early in the morning to be yelled
1677 at by people with short haircuts and tiny brains."
1680 The computer is the ultimate polluter: its shit is indistinguishable
1681 from the food it produces.
1683 The difference between this school and a cactus plant is that the
1684 cactus has the pricks on the outside.
1686 The man who said "A bird in the hand's worth two in the bush" has been
1687 putting his bird in the *WRONG* bushes.
1689 THE MX IS GOOD FOR THE ECONOMY. One important reason we have a Defense
1690 Department is that when we give it money, it spends it, which creates
1691 jobs, whereas if we left the money in the hands of civilians, we don't
1692 know what they'd do with it. Probably put it in open trenches and set
1693 it on fire. The MX will create an especially large number of jobs
1694 because of the number of warheads it carries. It carries a total of 10
1695 warheads. This creates a great deal of employment, because you have
1696 your Warhead Makers, your Warhead Lifters, your Persons Who Tap the
1697 Warheads Gently with Rubber Mallets to Wedge Them All Snugly Into the
1698 Nose Cone, your Persons Who Just Walk Around Playing Soothing Cassettes
1699 by Recording Artists such as Perry Como So We Don't Have Any More
1700 Episodes Where a Worker Who is Experiencing Some Strain Sticks a
1701 Warhead in the Employee Cafeteria Microwave and Sets It On Roast, etc.
1702 We are talking about a lot of jobs.
1703 -- Dave Barry, "At Last, the Ultimate Deterrent Against
1706 The other night I was having sex, but the girl hung up on me.
1708 The owner of a large furniture store in the mid-west arrived in France
1709 on a buying trip. As he was checking into a hotel he struck up an
1710 acquaintance with a beautiful young lady. However, she only spoke
1711 French and he only spoke English, so each couldn't understand a word
1712 the other spoke. He took out a pencil and a notebook and drew a
1713 picture of a taxi. She smiled, nodded her head and they went for a
1714 ride in the park. Later, he drew a picture of a table in a restaurant
1715 with a question mark and she nodded, so they went to dinner. After
1716 dinner he sketched two dancers and she was delighted. They went to
1717 several nightclubs, drank champagne, danced and had a glorious
1718 evening. It had gotten quite late when she motioned for the pencil and
1719 drew a picture of a four-poster bed. He was dumbfounded, and has never
1720 been able to understand how she knew he was in the furniture business.
1722 The problem with being best man at a wedding is that you never get a
1725 The real problem with fucking a sheep is that you have to walk around
1726 in front every time you want to kiss her.
1728 The reason we need the MX missile system is that the missiles we
1729 currently have in the ground are the Minuteman model, which is very
1730 old. The Defense Department can't even remember where half of them
1731 are. Insects have built nests in them. People have built houses
1732 directly over the silos. What this means, of course, is that if we
1733 ever needed them to help obliterate all human life on the planet, they
1734 could be a real embarrassment. I mean, maybe YOU'RE comfortable with
1735 the prospect of missiles that are supposed to represent you barging
1736 over the North Pole trailing shreds of polyester carpeting from some
1737 recreation room in South Dakota, but your strategic defense planners
1739 -- Dave Barry, "At Last, the Ultimate Deterrent Against
1742 The sergeant walked into the shower and caught me giving myself a
1743 dishonorable discharge. Without missing a beat, I said, "It's my dick
1744 and I can wash it as fast as I want!"
1746 "The State of California has no business subsidizing intellectual
1750 The superpowers often behave like two heavily armed blind men feeling
1751 their way around a room, each believing himself in mortal peril from
1752 the other, whom he assumes to have perfect vision. Each tends to
1753 ascribe to the other side a consistency, foresight and coherence that
1754 its own experience belies. Of course, even two blind men can do
1755 enormous damage to each other, not to speak of the room.
1758 The United States Army:
1759 194 years of proud service,
1760 unhampered by progress.
1762 The United States is like the guy at the party who gives cocaine to
1763 everybody and still nobody likes him.
1766 "The voters have spoken, the bastards...."
1768 "The whole world is about three drinks behind."
1771 The word "spine" is, of course, an anagram of "penis". This is true in
1772 almost fifty percent of the languages of the Galaxy, and many people
1773 have attempted to explain why. Usually these explanations get bogged
1774 down in silly puns about "standing erect".
1776 The world is an 8000 mile in diameter spherical pile of shit.
1778 There are also a lot of nice buildings in Haiphong. What their
1779 contributions are to the war effort I don't know, but the desire to
1780 bomb a virgin building is terrific.
1781 -- Commander Henry Urban Jr.
1783 There are revolutions that are sweeping the world and we in America
1784 have been in a position of trying to stop them. With all the wealth of
1785 America, with all of the military strength of America, those
1786 revolutions are revolutions against a form of political and economic
1787 organization in the countries of Asia and the Middle East that are
1788 oppressive. They are revolutions against feudalism. [1952]
1789 -- Supreme Court Justice William O. Douglas
1791 There are three religious truths:
1792 1. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
1793 2. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the
1795 3. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or
1796 the adult book store.
1798 There are two sides to every divorce: yours and the shithead's.
1800 "There is a God, but He drinks."
1803 There once was a couple named Kelley,
1804 Who lived their life belly to belly.
1805 Because in their haste
1806 They used Library Paste,
1807 Instead of Petroleum Jelly.
1809 There once was a feisty young terrier
1810 Who liked to bite girls on the derriere.
1811 He'd yip and he'd yap,
1812 Then leap up and snap,
1813 And the fairer the derriere the merrier.
1815 There once was a freshman named Lin,
1816 Whose tool was as thin as a pin,
1818 From a bible belt home,
1819 Said, "This won't be much of a sin."
1821 There once was a hacker named Ken
1822 Who inherited truckloads of Yen
1823 So he built him some chicks
1825 And hasn't been heard from since then.
1827 There once was a lady from Exeter,
1828 So pretty that men craned their necks at her.
1829 One was even so brave
1830 As to take out and wave
1831 The distinguishing mark of his sex at her.
1833 There once was a man named Eugene
1834 Who invented a screwing machine
1836 It served either sex
1837 And it played with itself in between.
1839 There once was a plumber from Leigh,
1840 Who was plumbing his maid by the sea,
1841 Said she, "Please stop plumbing,
1842 I think someone's coming!"
1843 Said he, "Yes I know love, it's me."
1845 There once was a queen of Bulgaria
1846 Whose bush had grown hairier and hairier,
1847 Till a prince from Peru
1848 Who came up for a screw
1849 Had to hunt for her cunt with a terrier.
1851 There once was a Scot named McAmeter
1852 With a tool of prodigious diameter.
1854 That cause such surprise;
1855 'Twas his rhythm -- iambic pentameter.
1857 There was a bluestocking in Florence
1858 Wrote anti-sex pamphlets in torrents,
1859 Till a Spanish grandee,
1860 Got her off with his knee,
1861 And she burned all her works with abhorrence.
1863 There was a gay countess of Bray,
1864 And you may think it odd when I say,
1865 That in spite of high station,
1867 She always spelled cunt with a "k".
1869 There was a young fellow named Bliss
1870 Whose sex life was strangely amiss,
1872 His recalcitrant penis
1873 Would never do better than t
1879 There was a young girl from Hong Kong
1880 Whose cervical cap was a gong.
1881 She said with a yell,
1882 As a shot rang her bell,
1883 "I'll give you a ding for a dong!"
1885 There was a young girl named Sapphire
1886 Who succumbed to her lover's desire.
1887 She said, "It's a sin,
1888 But now that it's in,
1889 Could you shove it a few inches higher?"
1891 There was a young girl of Angina
1892 Who stretched catgut across her vagina.
1893 From the love-making frock
1894 (With the proper sized cock)
1895 Came Tocata and Fugue in D minor.
1897 There was a young girl of Darjeeling
1898 Who could dance with such exquisite feeling
1899 There was never a sound
1901 Save of fly-buttons hitting the ceiling.
1903 There was a young lad name of Durcan
1904 Who was always jerkin' his gherkin.
1905 His father said, "Durcan!
1906 Stop jerkin' your gherkin!
1907 Your gherkin's for ferkin', not jerkin'."
1909 There was a young lady from Maine
1910 Who claimed she had men on her brain.
1911 But you knew from the view,
1912 As her abdomen grew,
1913 It was not on her brain that he'd lain.
1915 There was a young lady named Clair
1916 Who possessed a magnificent pair;
1917 At least so I thought
1918 Till I saw one get caught
1919 On a thorn, and begin losing air.
1921 There was a young lady named Hall,
1922 Wore a newspaper dress to a ball.
1923 The dress caught on fire
1924 And burned her entire
1925 Front page, sporting section, and all.
1927 There was a young lady named Twiss
1928 Who said she thought fucking a bliss,
1929 For it tickled her bum
1930 And caused her to come
1931 .siht ekil gniyl ylbatrofmoc elihW
1933 There was a young lady of Norway
1934 Who hung by her toes in a doorway.
1935 She said to her beau
1936 "Just look at me, Joe;
1937 I think I've discovered one more way."
1939 There was a young man from Bel-Aire
1940 Who was screwing his girl on the stair,
1941 But the banister broke,
1942 So he doubled his stroke,
1943 And finished her off in mid-air.
1945 There was a young man named Crockett
1946 Whose balls got caught in a socket.
1947 His wife was a bitch,
1948 And she threw the switch,
1949 As Crockett went off like a rocket.
1951 There was a young man of Cape Horn
1952 Who wished he had never been born,
1953 And he wouldn't have been
1954 If his father had seen
1955 That the end of the rubber was torn.
1957 There was a young man of St. John's
1958 Who wanted to bugger the swans.
1959 But the loyal hall porter
1960 Said, "Pray take my daughter!
1961 Those birds are reserved for the dons."
1963 There was a young whore from Kaloo
1964 Who filled her vagina with glue.
1965 She said with a grin,
1966 "If they pay to get in,
1967 They can pay to get out again too!"
1969 There was an old man of the port
1970 Whose prick was remarkably short.
1971 When he got into bed,
1973 "This isn't a prick; it's a wart!"
1975 There was an old pirate named Bates
1976 Who was learning to rhumba on skates.
1977 He fell on his cutlass,
1978 Which rendered him nutless
1979 And practically useless on dates.
1981 There were the Scots
1982 Who kept the Sabbath
1983 And everything else they could lay their hands on.
1984 Then there were the Welsh
1985 Who prayed on their knees and their neighbors.
1986 Thirdly there were the Irish
1987 Who never knew what they wanted
1988 But were willing to fight for it anyway.
1989 Lastly there were the English
1990 Who considered themselves a self-made nation
1991 Thus relieving the Almighty of a dreadful responsibility.
1993 There's been no top authority saying what marijuana does to you. I
1994 really don't know that much about it. I tried it once but it didn't do
1998 There's more than one way to skin a cat:
1999 Way number 15 -- Krazy Glue and a toothbrush.
2001 There's more than one way to skin a cat:
2002 Way number 27 -- Use an electric sander.
2004 There's more than one way to skin a cat:
2005 Way number 32 -- Wrap it around a lonely frat man's pecker.
2007 There's nothing better than good sex. But bad sex? A peanut butter
2008 and jelly sandwich is better than bad sex.
2011 There's nothing wrong with America that a good erection wouldn't cure.
2014 This is a test of the emergency cunnilingus system. If this had been an
2015 actual emergency, you would have known it!
2017 This is National Smokers-Are-Shits Week.
2019 This limerick is **SO**FILTHY** that it would offend you. So I'll put
2020 "di-dah" for the filthy words:
2022 Di-dah, di-dah, di-dah di-dah,
2023 Di-dah di-dah di-dah, di-dah;
2024 di-dah di-dah di-dah?
2025 Di-dah di-dah di-dah.
2026 Di-dah di-dah, di-dah di-fuck.
2028 This test has been designed to evaluate reactions of management
2029 personnel to various situations.
2031 You are making a sales presentation to a group of corporate executives
2032 in the plushest office you've ever seen. The enchilada casserole and
2033 egg salad sandwich you had for lunch react, creating severe pressure.
2034 Your sphincter loses control and you break wind, causing the glass
2035 bookcase doors to shatter and a secretary to pass out.
2039 (a) Offer to come back next week when the smell has gone away.
2040 (b) Point to the Chief Executive and accuse him of the offense.
2041 (c) Challenge anyone in the room to do better.
2043 Thou shalt not omit adultery.
2045 To a Real Woman, every ejaculation is premature.
2047 "Tom Hayden is the kind of politician who gives opportunism a bad
2051 'Twas orgy, and the hip and mod And as in raffish thought he sprawled,
2052 Did groove and trip out at the pad: The Radcliffe girl, no idle flirt,
2053 All whimsy were the slamming chicks, Crept past the hippies getting balled
2054 And the Radcliffe undergrad. And doffed her miniskirt.
2056 "Beware the Radcliffe girl, my son! One, two! One, two! And through
2057 The looks that melt, the claws that and through
2058 catch! The venerable staff went snicker-snack!
2059 Beware the Byrn Mawr deb, and shun He left her bred, sans maidenhead,
2060 The uppity Wellesleysnatch!" And went galumphing back.
2062 He took his venerable staff in hand: "And hast thou laid the Radcliffe girl?
2063 Long time the cool young stuff he Come to my arms, my horny boy!
2064 sought -- O spaced-out day! Calooh! Callay!"
2065 So rested he among the spree He cackled in his joy.
2066 And paused to smoke some pot.
2067 'Twas orgy, and the hip and mod
2068 Did groove and trip out at the pad:
2069 All whimsy were the slamming chicks,
2070 And the Radcliffe undergrad.
2072 "Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under Communism, it's just the
2074 -- John Kenneth Galbraith
2076 Uppers are no longer stylish, methedrine is almost as rare as pure acid
2077 or DMT. "Consciousness Expansion" went out with LBJ and it is worth
2078 noting, historically, that downers came in with Nixon.
2079 -- Dr. Hunter S. Thompson
2081 Vegetarians for oral sex -- "The only meat that's fit to eat"
2084 (I saw, I conquered, I came.)
2087 An ugly third grader.
2089 War is menstruation envy.
2091 "Water? Never touch the stuff! Fish fuck in it."
2094 We call our dog Egypt, because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
2096 "We don't have to protect the environment -- the Second Coming is at
2100 We have reason to believe that man first
2101 walked upright to free his hands for masturbation.
2104 "We should declare war on North Vietnam. We could pave the whole
2105 country and put parking strips on it, and still be home by Christmas."
2108 Well, see, Joyce, there we were, trapped in the elevator. Now, I had
2109 my tennis racquet and the goldfish; she was holding the Crisco. Surely
2110 you can imagine how one thing naturally led to another!
2112 Well, there was this tiger, who woke up one morning, and just felt
2113 great (yes, just like Tony the Tiger: GREAAAAAAT). Anyway, he just
2114 felt so good, he went out and cornered a small monkey and roared at
2115 him: "WHO IS THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?" And this poor
2116 quaking little monkey replied: "You are of course, no one is mightier
2117 than you." A little while later this tiger confronts a deer, and just
2118 bellows out: "WHO IS THE GREATEST AND STRONGEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE
2119 ANIMALS?" The deer is shaking so hard it can barely speak, but manages
2120 to stammer: "Oh great tiger, you are by far the mightiest animal in the
2121 jungle." The tiger, being on a roll, swaggered, up to an elephant that
2122 was quietly munching on some weeds, and roared at the top of his voice:
2123 "WHO IS THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE ANIMALS IN THE JUNGLE?" Well, this
2124 elephant grabs the tiger with his trunk, picks him up, slams him down;
2125 picks him up again, and shakes him until the tiger is just a blur of
2126 orange and black; and finally throws him violently into a nearby tree.
2127 The tiger staggers to his feet and looks at the elephant and says:
2128 "Man, just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so
2131 WE'RE GOING TO THROW THE MX AWAY AFTER WE BUILD IT. The MX is really
2132 [Don't tell anybody!] just a "bargaining chip" in the nuclear-arms-
2133 reduction talks with the Russians. See, we have a problem with the
2134 Russians. They look at our leaders and they see, for example, George
2135 Bush, who is really a fine and brave man but who happens to have this
2136 unfortunate physical characteristic whereby when he talks he sounds as
2137 though he just inhaled a helium party balloon. If he ever becomes
2138 President, the Russians will deliberately create nuclear crises just so
2139 they can gather around the Hot Line with refreshments and listen to
2141 -- Dave Barry, "At Last, the Ultimate Deterrent Against
2144 What can you use used tampons for? Tea bags for vampires.
2146 What did Mickey Mouse get for Christmas?
2149 What is the difficulty with writing a PDP-8 program to emulate Jerry
2152 Figuring out what to do with the other 3K.
2154 When God created man, She was only testing.
2156 When God created two sexes, he may have been overdoing it.
2157 -- Charles Merrill Smith
2159 "When I grow up, I want to be an honest lawyer so things like that
2161 -- Richard Nixon as a boy (on the Teapot Dome scandal)
2163 When it all boils down to the essence of truth one must live by a dog's
2164 rule of life: if you can't eat it or fuck it, piss on it!
2166 While I, with my usual enthusiasm,
2167 Was exploring in Ermintrude's busiasm,
2168 She explained, "They are flat,
2169 But think nothing of that --
2170 You will find that my sweet sister Susiasm."
2172 "White House carpenters have reworked the master bedroom, remodeling it
2173 so that Ronnie can sleep with his head in the hall. That way, by the
2174 time he wakes up, somebody will have already shined his hair."
2176 Why is it that there are so many more horses' asses than there are
2180 Why marry a virgin? If she wasn't good enough for the rest of them
2181 then she isn't good enough for you.
2183 Women Unite! Make *___
\b\b\bhim* sleep in the wet spot tonight!
2185 Women who want to be equal to men lack imagination
2186 -- Graffito in a women's restroom
2188 Women's Libbers are OK. I just wouldn't want my sister to marry one.
2190 Would you mind terribly much if I asked you to take your silly-assed
2191 problem down the hall?
2193 "Yes, that was Richard Nixon. He used to be President. When he left
2194 the White House, the Secret Service would count the silverware."
2195 -- Woody Allen, "Sleeper"
2197 You always introduce the younger person to the older person, using the
2198 wording: "Miss Brown, I'd like to introduce you to an older person"
2199 (unless her name is not "Miss Brown"). If you do not know a person's
2200 age, ask for a driver's license and a major credit card. If you are
2201 introduced to a member of a minority group, use the "high-five" style
2202 handshake, followed by a remark designed to show you don't mind a bit,
2203 such as "I see you are a (name of a minority group)! Good!"
2204 -- Dave Barry, "The Stuff of Etiquette"
2206 "You and I as individuals can, by borrowing, live beyond our means, but
2207 only for a limited period of time. Why should we think that collectively,
2208 as a nation, we are not bound by that same limitation?"
2211 You are at a business lunch when you are suddenly overcome with an
2212 uncontrollable desire to pick your nose. Since this is definitely a
2215 (a) Pretend to wave to someone across the room and with one fluid
2216 motion, bury your forefinger in your nostril right up to the 4th
2219 (b) Get everyone drunk and organize a nose picking contest with a prize
2220 to the one who makes his nose bleed first.
2222 (c) Drop your napkin on the floor, and when you bend over to pick it up,
2223 blow your nose on your sock.
2225 You better believe that marijuana can cause castration. Just suppose
2226 your girlfriend gets the munchies!
2228 You can lead a whore to Vasser, but you can't make her think.
2229 -- Frederick B. Artz
2231 You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you can't
2232 pick your friend's nose.
2234 You can't underestimate the power of fear.
2237 You come out of a woman and you spend the rest of your life trying to
2239 -- Heathcote Williams
2241 You have just returned from a trip to Green Bay, Wisconsin in January
2242 and tell your boss that nobody but whores and football players live
2243 there. He mentions that his wife is from Green Bay. You:
2245 (a) Pretend you are suffering from amnesia and don't remember your
2248 (b) Ask what position she played.
2250 (c) Ask if she is still working the streets.
2252 You have prepared a proposal for your supervisor. The success of this
2253 proposal will mean increasing your salary 20%. In the middle of your
2254 proposal your supervisor leans over to look at your report and spits
2255 into your coffee. You:
2257 (a) Tell him you take your coffee black.
2259 (b) Ask him if he has any communicable diseases.
2261 (c) Show him who's in command; promptly take a leak in his "In"
2264 "You have to regard everything I say with suspicion -- I may be trying
2265 to bullshit you, or I may just be bullshitting you inadvertently."
2266 -- J. Wainwright, Mathematics 140b