1 %% $FreeBSD: src/games/fortune/datfiles/limerick,v 1.3.2.1 2002/08/09 20:40:29 fanf Exp $
2 A bad little girl in Madrid,
3 A most reprehensible kid,
5 That her cunt smelled like cheese,
6 And the worst of it was that it did!
8 A bather whose clothing was strewed
9 By breezes that left her quite nude,
11 And, unless I am wrong,
12 You expected this line to be lewd.
14 A bather whose clothing was strewed
15 By breezes that left her quite nude,
17 And, unless I'm quite wrong,
18 You expected this line to be lewd.
20 A beat schizophrenic said, "Me?
21 I am not I, I'm a tree."
22 But another, more sane,
23 Shouted, "I'm a Great Dane!"
24 And covered his pants leg with pee.
26 A beautiful belle of Del Norte
27 Is reckoned disdainful and haughty
28 Because during the day
29 She says: "Boys, keep away!"
30 But she fucks in the gloaming like forty.
32 A beautiful lady named Psyche
33 Is loved by a fellow named Ikey.
36 Is his prick, which is dreadfully spikey.
38 A beetling young woman named Pridgets
39 Had a violent abhorrence of midgets;
40 Off the end of a wharf
41 She once pushed a dwarf
42 Whose truncation reduced her to fidgets.
45 A big-bosomed Bunny named Gression
46 Sold cigars at a key-club concession.
47 When she swiveled about
48 Even strong men cried out,
49 For her costume did not keep her flesh in.
51 A bobby of Nottingham Junction
52 Whose organ had long ceased to function
53 Deceived his good wife
54 For the rest of her life
55 With the aid of his constable's truncheon.
57 A broken-down harlot named Tupps
58 Was heard to confess in her cups:
59 "The height of my folly
60 Was diddling a collie-
61 But I got a nice price for the pups."
63 A broken-down harlot named Tupps
64 Was heard to confess in her cups:
65 "The height of my folly
66 Was fucking a collie --
67 But I got a nice price for the pups."
69 A burlesque dancer, a pip
70 Named Virginia, could peel in a zip;
71 But she read science fiction
72 And died of constriction
73 Attempting a Moebius strip.
74 -- Cyril Kornbluth, "The Unfortunate Topology"
76 A busy young lady named Gloria
77 Was had by Sir Gerald du Maurier
80 And the band at the Waldorf-Astoria.
82 A cabin boy on an old clipper
83 Grew steadily flipper and flipper.
85 With fragments of glass
86 And thus circumcised his old skipper.
88 A cautious young fellow named Lodge
89 Had seatbelts installed in his Dodge.
90 When his date was strapped in,
92 Without even leaving his grodge.
94 A cautious young fellow named Lodge,
95 Had seatbelts installed in his Dodge.
96 With his date all strapped in
98 Without even leaving the garage.
99 -- "A Boy and His Dog"
101 A cautious young fellow named Tunney
102 Had a whang that was worth any money.
103 When eased in half-way,
104 The girl's sigh made him say,
105 "Why the sigh?" "For the rest of it, honey."
107 A certain young man, it was noted,
108 Went about in the heat thickly-coated;
109 He said, "You may scoff,
110 But I shan't take it off;
111 Underneath I am horribly bloated."
114 A certain young person of Ghent,
115 Uncertain if lady or gent,
116 Shows his organs at large
117 For a small handling charge
118 To assist him in paying the rent.
120 A certain young sheik of Algiers
121 Said to his harem, "My dears,
122 Though you may think it odd of me,
123 I'm tired of just sodomy
124 Let's try straight fucking." (loud cheers!)
126 A chap down in Oklahoma
127 Had a cock that could sing La Paloma,
128 But the sweetness of pitch
129 Couldn't put off the hitch
130 Of impotence, size and aroma.
132 A charmer from old Amarillo,
133 Sick of finding strange heads on her pillow,
135 That to keep men away
136 She would stuff up her crevice with Brillo.
138 A chippy who worked in Black Bluff
139 Had a pussy as large as a muff.
140 It had room for both hands
141 And some intimate glands,
142 And was soft as a little duck's fluff.
144 A clerical student named Pryne
145 Through pain sought to reach the divine:
146 He wore a hair shirt,
147 Quite often ate dirt,
148 And bathed every Friday in brine.
151 A clever young man named Eugene
152 Invented a jack-off machine.
153 On the twenty-third stroke
154 The fuckin' thing broke
155 And beat both his balls to a creame.
157 A clever young man named Eugene
158 Invented a jack-off machine.
159 On the twenty-third stroke
160 The goddam thing broke
161 And beat both his balls to a creame.
163 A cocksucking steno named Beeman
164 Remarked as she swallowed my semen :
165 "On my minuscule salary
166 I must watch every calorie,
167 So I get `ahead' eating you he-men!"
169 A computer called Illiac4
170 Had a rather tough bug in its core.
171 It chewed up its cards
172 And spewed yards and yards
173 Of illegible tape on the floor.
175 A computer, to print out a fact,
176 Will divide, multiply, and subtract.
177 But this output can be
179 If the input was short of exact.
182 A contortionist hailing from Lynch
183 Used to rent out his tool by the inch.
184 A foot cost a quid --
186 Stretch it to three in a pinch.
188 A corpulent maiden named Kroll
189 Had a notion exceedingly droll:
190 At a masquerade ball,
191 Dressed in nothing at all,
192 She backed in as a Parker House roll.
194 A couple was fishing near Clombe
195 When the maid began looking quite glum,
196 And said, "Bother the fish!
198 Which they did -- which was why they had come.
200 A cowhand way out in Seattle
201 Had a dooflicker flat as a paddle.
202 He said, "No, I can't fuck
204 But golly! it just fits the cattle."
206 A crusader's wife slipped from the garrison
207 And had an affair with a Saracen.
208 She was not oversexed,
210 She just wanted to make a comparison.
212 A CS student named Lin
213 Had a prick the size of a pin
214 It was no good for girls
215 But just great for squirrels
216 Who squealed with delight with it in.
218 A cute little twerp from Samoa
219 Had a cock of one inch and no moa.
220 It was good for keyholes
221 And debutantes' peeholes
222 But not worth a damn on a whoa.
224 A daredevil skater named Lowe,
225 Leaps barrels arranged in the snow,
226 But is proudest of doing,
227 Some incredible screwing,
228 Since he's jumped thirteen girls in a row!
230 A deep-throated virgin named Netty
231 Was sucking a cock on the jetty.
232 She said, "It tastes nice,
233 Much better than rice,
234 Though not quite as good as spaghetti."
236 A delighted, incredulous bride
237 Remarked to her groom at her side :
240 Our anatomies would coincide."
242 A dentist, young doctor Malone,
243 Got a charming girl patient alone,
244 And, in his depravity,
245 Filled the wrong cavity.
246 God, how his practice has grown.
248 A despairing old landlord named Fyfe,
249 With a frigid and quarrelsome wife,
250 Let his third-story front,
251 To a willing young cunt,
252 Who supplied him a new lease on life!
254 A desperate spinster from Clare
255 Once knelt in the moonlight all bare,
256 And prayed to her God
257 For a romp on the sod--
258 'Twas a passerby answered her prayer.
260 A distinguished professor from Swarthmore
261 Got along with a sexy young sophomore.
263 He stripped off his pants,
264 But he found that the sophomore'd got off more.
266 A doctoral student from Buckingham
267 Wrote his thesis on cunts and on fucking'em.
268 But a dropout from paree
269 Taught him Gamahuchee
270 - so he added a footnote on sucking 'em.
272 A doctoral student from Buckingham
273 Wrote his thesis on cunts and on fucking'em.
274 But a dropout from paree
275 Taught him Gamahuchee
276 So he added a footnote on sucking 'em.
278 A do-it-yourselfer named Alice,
279 Used a dynamite stick for a phallus.
282 And her tits landed somewhere in Dallas.
284 A cute friend of hers, Fanny Hill,
285 Used two dynamite sticks for a dil.
286 They found her vagina,
288 And part of her ass in Brazil.
290 A dolly in Dallas named Alice,
291 Whose overworked sex is all callous,
292 Wore the foreskin away
293 On uncircumcised Ray,
294 Through exuberance, tightness, and malice.
296 A dreary young bank clerk named Fennis
297 Wished to foster an aura of menace;
298 To make people afraid
299 He wore gloves of grey suede
300 And white footgear intended for tennis.
303 A dreary young bank clerk named Fennis
304 Wished to foster an aura of menace.
305 To make people afraid
306 He wore gloves of grey suede
307 And white footgear intended for tennis.
308 -- Edward Gorey, "Amphigorey"
310 A dulcet-voiced callgirl named Shedd,
311 Who's cultured, well-spoken, well-bred,
312 Had achieved some reknown
313 For her tone going down--
314 There's a nice civil tongue in her head.
316 A fair-haired young damsel named Grace
317 Thought it very, very foolish to place
318 Her hand on your cock
319 When it turned hard as rock,
320 For fear it would explode in your face.
322 A farmer I know named O'Doole
323 Had a long and incredible tool.
324 He can use it to plow,
326 Or just as a cue-stick at pool.
328 A fellatrix's healthful condition
329 Proved the value of spunk as nutrition.
331 (I suggest that you try it)
332 Was only her clients' emission.
334 A fellow whose surname was Hunt
335 Trained his cock to perform a slick stunt:
337 Could be turned inside out,
338 Like a glove, and be used as a cunt.
340 A fisherman off of Cape Cod
341 Said, "I'll bugger that tuna, by God!"
342 But the high-minded fish
344 And nimbly swam off with his rod.
346 A foolish geologist from Kissen
347 Just didn't know what he was missin',
349 And neglecting his cock,
350 And using it merely for pissin'.
352 A Frenchman who lived in Alsace
353 Had sex with a virgin named Grace.
354 When he popped her cherry,
355 She made things hairy
356 By bleeding all over his face.
358 A frustrated lady named Alice
359 Used a dynamite stick for a phallus.
360 They found her vagina
362 And bits of her tits were in Dallas.
364 A gay young prince from Morocco
365 Made love in a manner rococco.
368 And flavored his semen with cocoa.
370 A geneticist living in Delft
371 Scientifically played with himself,
374 And filed him away on a shelf.
376 A geneticist living in Delft
377 Scientifically played with himself,
380 And filed him away on a shelf.
381 A gentleman, otherwise meek,
382 Detested with passion the leek;
384 He dealt such a clout
385 To the maid, she was down for a week.
388 A gentleman, otherwise meek,
389 Detested with passion the leek;
391 He dealt such a clout
392 To the maid, she was down for a week.
395 A german composer named Bruckner
396 Remarked to a lady while fuckener :
397 "Less lento, my dear,
398 With your cute little rear;
399 I like a hot presto when muckener!"
401 A gift was delivered to Laura
402 From a cousin who lived in Gomorrah;
403 Wrapped in tissue and crepe,
404 It was peeled, like a grape,
405 And emitted a pale, greenish aura.
408 A gifted young fellow from Sparta
409 Was widely renowned as a farta'.
410 He could fart anything
411 From "Of Thee I Sing,"
412 To Beethoven's "Moonlight Sonata."
414 A girl camper once had an affair
415 With a fellow all covered with hair.
416 When she gave him his hat
418 She'd been had by Smokey the Bear.
420 A girl of the Enterprise crew
421 Refused every offer to screw.
422 But a Vulcan named Spock
423 Crawled under her smock,
424 And now she is eating for two.
426 A girl of uncertain nativity
427 Had an ass of extreme sensitivity
428 While she sat on the lap
430 She could sense Fifth Column activity.
432 A graduate student named Zac
433 Was said to be great in the sack.
436 And two gave them epileptic attacks.
438 A graduate student named Zac
439 Was said to be great in the sack.
442 And two gave them epileptic attacks.
444 A greedy young lady from Sidney
445 Liked it in up to her kidney,
446 Till a man from Quebec
447 Shoved it up to her neck--
448 He really diddled her, didn' he?
450 A green-thumbed young farmer from Leeds
451 Once swallowed a package of seeds.
453 Was covered with grass
454 And his balls were grown over with weeds.
456 A guest in a household quite charmless
457 Was informed its eccentric was harmless:
458 "If you're caught unawares
459 At the head of the stairs,
460 Just remember, he's eyeless and armless."
463 A habit depraved and unsavory
464 Held the bishop of Bingham in slavery
465 Midst screeches and howls
466 He deflowered young owls
467 Which he kept in an underground aviary
469 A habit obscene and bizarre,
470 Has taken a-hold of papa.
471 He brings home young camels
472 And other odd mammals,
473 And gives them a go at mama.
475 A habit obscene and unsavory,
476 Holds a CS professor in slavery.
478 He deflowers young owls,
479 That he keeps in an underground aviary.
481 A hacker who screwed a mag tape
482 Was caught and convicted of rape.
484 From which, to his woe
485 He couldn't get out with ESC.
487 A hacker-turned-pervert named Fisk
488 Made love to the drive of his disk.
489 The thing circumsized him,
490 Which rather suprised him.
491 He wasn't aware of *that* risk.
493 A handsome young rodent named Gratian
494 As a lifeguard became a sensation.
495 All the lady mice waved
496 And screamed to be saved
497 By his mouse-to-mouse resuscitation.
499 A happy old hooker named Grace
500 Once sponsored a cunt-lapping race.
501 It was hard for beginners
502 To tell who were winners :
503 There were cunt hairs all over the place.
505 A hardware debugger named Court
506 Shoved his tool in an Ethernet port.
509 So the port's driver cut it off short.
511 A haughty young wench of Del Norte
512 Would fuck only men over forty.
513 Said she, "It's too quick
514 With a young fellow's prick;
515 I like it to last, and be warty."
517 A headstrong young woman in Ealing
518 Threw her two weeks' old child at the ceiling;
519 When quizzed why she did,
520 She replied, "To be rid
521 Of a strange, overpowering feeling."
524 A hearty young fellow named Yost
525 Once had an affair with a ghost.
526 At the height of the spasm
528 Cried, "Goodie, I feel it ... almost."
530 A hearty young fellow named Yost
531 Once had an affair with a ghost.
532 At the height of the spasm
534 Cried, "Goodie, I feel it... almost."
536 A hidebound young virgin named Carrie
537 Would say, when the fellows got hairy :
538 "Keep your prick in your pants
539 Till the end of this dance--"
540 Which is why Carrie still has her cherry.
542 A highly aesthetic young Jew
543 Had eyes of a heavenly blue;
544 The end of his dillie
545 Was shaped like a lilly,
546 And his balls were too utterly two!
548 A highway patrol buff named Claire,
549 Once screwed half a troop on a dare,
550 And her parts grew so hot,
551 There was steam on her twat,
552 So they nicknamed her Smokey the Bare!
554 A horny young fellow named Reg,
555 Was jerking off under a hedge.
556 The gardener drew near
557 With a huge pruning shear,
558 And trimmed off the edge of his wedge.
560 A huge-organed female in Dallas,
561 Named Alice, who yearned for a phallus,
564 No phallus in Dallas fit Alice.
566 A joker who haunts Monticello
567 Is really a terrible fellow.
568 In the midst of caresses
569 He fills ladies dresses
570 With garter snakes, ice cubes, and jello.
572 A lacklustre lady of Brougham
573 Weaveth all night at her loom.
575 When her lord and his wench
576 Pull a chain in the neighbouring room.
578 A lad, at his first copulation,
579 Cried, "What a sensation! Inflation,
581 Throughout the duration,
582 I guess I'll give up masturbation."
584 A lad from far-off Transvaal
585 Was lustful, but tactful withal.
586 He'd say, just for luck,
587 "Mam'selle, do you fuck?"
588 But he'd bow till he almost would crawl.
590 A lad of the brainier kind
591 Had erogenous zones in his mind.
592 He got his sensations,
593 By solving equations,
594 (Of course, in the end, he went blind.)
596 A lady born under a curse
597 Used to drive forth each day in a hearse;
598 From the back she would wail
599 Through a thickness of veil:
600 "Things do not get better, but worse."
603 A lady both callous and brash
604 Met a man with a vast black moustache;
605 She cried, "Shave it, O do!
606 And I'll put it with glue
607 On my hat as a sort of panache."
610 A lady from Kalamazoo
611 Once found she had nothing to do,
612 So she sat on the stairs
613 And she counted her hairs:
616 A lady from Old Little Rock
617 In fidelity took little stock,
619 In the streets of Japan
620 For a boy with a prehensile cock.
622 A lady removing her scanties,
623 Heard them crackle electrical chanties.
624 Said her beau, "Have no fear,
625 For the reason is clear:
626 You simply have amps in your panties.
628 A lady stockholder quite hetera
629 Decided her fortune to bettera:
630 On the floor, quite unclad,
632 Merrill Lynch, Pierce, Fenner, et cetera...
634 A lady was seized with intent
635 To revise her existence misspent.
636 So she climbed up the dome
637 Of St. Peter's in Rome,
638 Where she stayed through the following Lent.
641 A lady while dining at Crewe
642 Found an elephant's whang in her stew.
643 Said the waiter, "Don't shout,
644 And don't wave it about,
645 Or the others will all want one too."
647 A lady, while dining in Crewe,
648 Found an elephant's whang in her stew.
649 Said the waiter, "Don't shout
651 Or the others will ask for one, too."
653 A lady who signs herself "Vexed"
654 Writes to say she believes she's been hexed:
655 "I don't mind my shins
656 Being stuck full of pins,
657 But I fear I am coming unsexed."
660 A lady with features cherubic
661 Was famed for her area pubic.
662 When they asked her its size
663 She replied in surprise,
664 "Are you speaking of square feet, or cubic?"
666 A lass at the foot of her class
667 Asked a brainier chick how to pass.
668 She replied, "With no fuss
669 You can get a B-plus,
670 By letting the prof pat your ass."
672 A lecherous barkeep named Dale,
673 After fucking his favorite female,
674 Mixed Drambuie and scotch
675 With the cream in her crotch
676 For a lustier, Rusty-er Nail.
678 A licentious old justice of Salem
679 Used to catch all the harlots and jail 'em.
680 But instead of a fine
681 He would stand them in line,
682 With his common-law tool to impale 'em.
684 A limerick packs laughs anatomical
685 Into space that is quite economical.
686 But the good ones I've seen
688 And the clean ones so seldom are comical.
690 A linguist thought it a farce
691 That memory space was so sparse.
692 One day they increased it.
693 Said he as he seized it:
694 "At last! Enough core for the parse".
696 A lonely young lad of Eton
697 Used always to sleep with the heat on,
698 Till he ran into a lass
699 Who showed him her ass --
700 Now they sleep with only a sheet on.
702 A lovely young diver named Nancy,
703 Wore a bikini bottom quite chancy,
705 Watched her Derriere,
706 And the sea fans all tickled her fancy.
708 A lovely young maid from St. Jude
709 Once rode through the streets in the nude.
710 The police cried, "Whatam--
712 And slapped it as hard as they could.
714 A lovely young maid from St. Jude
715 Once rode through the streets in the nude.
716 The police cried, "Whatam--
718 And slapped it as hard as they cude.
720 A lusty young maid from Seattle
721 Got pleasure by sleeping with cattle;
722 Till she found a bull
723 Who filled her so full
724 It made both her ovaries rattle.
726 A lusty young woodsman of Maine
727 For years with no woman had lain,
728 But he found sublimation
730 In the crotch of a pine -- God, the pain!
732 A madam who ran a bordello
733 Put come in her pineapple jello,
734 For the rich, sexy taste
735 And not wanting to waste
736 That greasy kid stuff from a fellow.
738 A maestro directing in Rome
739 Had a quaint way of driving it home.
741 Had to keep her tail timed
742 To the beat of his old metronome.
744 A maiden who lived in Virginny
745 Had a cunt that could bark, neigh and whinny.
746 The horsey set rushed her,
747 But success finally crushed her
748 For her tone soon became harsh and tinny.
750 A maiden who travelled in France
751 Once got on a train, just by chance.
752 The engineer fucked her,
753 The conductor sucked her,
754 And the fireman came in his pants.
756 A maiden who wrote of big cities
757 Some songs full of love, fun and pities,
758 Sold her stuff at the shop
760 Who played with her soft little titties.
762 A man was once heard to boast,
763 That he received a parcel by post,
764 It contained, so we heard,
766 And the balls of his grandfather's ghost.
768 A marine being sent to Hong Kong
769 Got a doctor to alter his dong.
770 He sailed off with a tool
771 Flat and thin as a rule -
772 When he got there he found he was wrong.
774 A mathematician named Hall
775 Had a hexhedronical ball,
776 And the square of its weight
777 Times his pecker's, plus eight,
778 Was four-fifths of five-eighths of fuck-all.
780 A mathematician named Hall
781 Has a hexahedronical ball,
782 And the cube of its weight
783 Times his pecker's, plus eight
784 Is his phone number -- give him a call...
786 A mathematician named Klein
787 Thought the Mobius band was divine.
788 Said he, "If you glue
790 You'll get a weird bottle like mine!
792 A middle-aged codger named Bruin
793 Found his love life completely in ruin,
794 For he flirted with flirts
795 Wearing pants and no skirts,
796 And he never got in for no screwin'.
798 A milkmaid there was, with a stutter,
799 Who was lonely and wanted a futter.
800 She had nowhere to turn,
801 So she diddled a churn,
802 And managed to come with the butter.
804 A mortician who practised in Fife
805 Made love to the corpse of his wife.
806 "How could I know, Judge?
807 She was cold, did not budge--
808 Just the same as she'd acted in life."
810 A nasty old drunk in Carmel
811 Thinks it funny to piss in the well.
812 He says, "Some don't favor
814 But I don't drink the stuff -- what the hell!"
816 A nervous young fellow named Fred
817 Took a charming young widow to bed.
818 When he'd diddled a while
819 She remarked with a smile,
820 "You've got it all in but the head."
822 A new dramatist of the absurd
823 Has a voice that will shortly be heard.
824 I learn from my spies
826 An unprintable three-letter word.
828 A newlywed couple from Goshen
829 Spent their honeymoon sailing the ocean.
831 They got laid eighty ways --
832 Imagine such fucking devotion!
834 A newly-wed man of Peru
835 Found himself in a terrible stew:
837 Much deader than dead,
838 And so he had no one to screw.
840 A notorious whore named Ms. Hearst,
841 In the pleasures of men was well-versed.
842 Reads the sign o'er the head
843 Of her well-rumpled bed
844 "The customer always comes first."
846 A novice was told by the Abbot:
847 "Consider the goat and the rabbit.
848 While they roll in the hay
849 You just stay home and pray.
850 You've got to get out of that habit."
852 A nudist resort at Benares
853 Took a midget in all unawares.
854 But he made members weep
855 For he just couldn't keep
856 His nose out of private affairs.
858 A nurse motivated by spite
859 Tied her infantine charge to a kite;
860 She launched it with ease
861 On the afternoon breeze,
862 And watched till it flew out of sight.
865 A pansy who lived in Khartoum
866 Took a lesbian up to his room.
867 They argued all night
868 Over who had the right
869 To do what, with which, and to whom.
871 A passionate red-haired girl
872 When you kissed her, her senses would whirl,
873 And her twat would get wet,
874 And would wiggle and fret,
875 And her cunt-lips would curl and unfurl.
877 A pathetic old maid of Bordeaux
878 Fell in love with a dashing young beau.
880 She would squat in his yard
881 And longingly pee in the sneaux.
883 A petulant man once said, "Pish,
884 Your cunt is as big as a dish."
885 She replied, "Why, you fool,
886 With your limp little tool,
887 It's like driving a pin with a fish."
889 A physical fellow named Fisk
890 Could screw at a rate very brisk.
891 So fast was his action
892 The Fitzgerald contraction
893 Would shrink up his rod to a disk.
895 A pious old woman named Tweak
896 Had taught her vagina to speak.
897 It was frequently liable
898 To quote from the Bible,
899 But when fucking -- not even a squeak!
901 A pious young lady named Finnegan
902 Would caution her friend, "Well, you're in again;
904 Make it last through the night,
905 For I certainly don't want to sin again!"
907 A pious young lady of Chichester
908 Made all of the saints in their niches stir
909 And each morning at matin
910 Her breast in pink satin
911 Made the bishop of Chichester's breeches stir.
913 A playful young chemist named Byrd
914 Had an urge that could not be deferred.
917 And plastered the walls with his turd.
919 A plumber whose name was John Brink
920 Plumbed the cook as she bent o'er the sink.
921 Her resistance was stout,
922 And John Brink petered out,
923 With his pipe-wrench all limber and pink.
925 A potter who lived in Bombay
926 Once fashioned a cunt out of clay;
927 But the heat of his prick
928 Kilned the damn thing to brick
929 And chafed all his foreskin away.
931 A pretty wife living in Tours
932 Demanded her daily amour.
933 But the husband said, "No!
934 It's to much. Let it go!
935 My backsides are dragging the floor."
937 A pretty young boy known as Kevin
938 Was raped in a pasture by seven
940 (Oh, those Anglican priests)
941 And such is the Kingdom of Heaven.
943 A pretty young lady named Vogel
944 Once sat herself down on a molehill.
946 Nosed into her hole --
947 Ms. Vogel's ok, but the mole's ill.
949 A pretty young lady named Vogel
950 Once sat herself down on a molehill.
952 Nosed into her hole --
953 Ms. Vogel's okay, but the mole's ill.
955 A pretty young lady named Vogel
956 Once sat herself down on a molehill.
959 Ms. Vogel's ok, but the mole's ill.
961 A pretty young lady named Vogel
962 Once sat herself down on a molehill.
964 Nosed into her hole --
965 Ms. Vogel's okay, but the mole's ill.
967 A pretty young maiden from France
968 Decided she'd "just take a chance."
971 And now all her sisters are aunts.
973 A princess who lived near a bog
974 Met a prince in the form of a frog.
975 Now she and her prince
976 Are the parents of quints,
977 Four boys and one fine polliwog.
979 A princess who reigned in Baroda
980 Made her home on a purple pagoda.
981 She festooned the walls
982 Of her halls with the balls
983 And the tools of the fools who be-stroda'.
985 A programmer down in Moline
986 Said, I'm the match for any machine.
987 My secret's aversion,
988 To loops and recursion,
989 Just acres of in-line routine.
992 A progressive professor named Winners
993 Held classes each evening for sinners.
994 They were graded and spaced
995 So the vile and debased
996 Would not be held back by beginners.
998 A rapist who reeked of cheap booze
999 Attempted to ravish Miss Hughes.
1000 She cried, "I suppose
1001 There's no time for my clothes,
1002 But PLEASE let me take off my shoes!"
1004 A rapturous young fellatrix
1005 One day was at work on five pricks.
1007 She whipped out her glass eye:
1008 "Tell the boys I can now take on six."
1010 A reckless young lady of France
1011 Had no qualms about taking a chance,
1012 But she thought it was crude
1013 To get screwed in the nude,
1014 So she always went home with damp pants.
1016 A remarkable race are the Persians;
1017 They have such peculiar diversions.
1018 They make love the whole day
1020 And save up the nights for perversions.
1022 A remarkable race are the Persians,
1023 They have such peculiar diversions.
1024 They screw the whole day
1026 And save up the nights for perversions.
1028 A responsive young girl from the East
1029 In bed was an able artiste.
1030 She had learned two positions
1031 From family physicians,
1032 And ten more from the old parish priest.
1034 A romantic attraction has clung
1035 To a chap of whom damsels have sung:
1036 "'Tis the Scourge from the East,
1037 That lascivious beast
1038 Who was known as Attila the Hung!"
1040 A sailor who slept in the sun,
1041 Woke to find his fly buttons undone,
1042 He remarked with a smile,
1043 "Good grief, a sun-dial!
1044 And now it's a quarter-past one."
1046 A savvy young hooker named Gail
1047 Got busted and lodged in the jail.
1048 But the jailer got hot,
1049 To be lodged in her twat,
1050 And so Gail made the bail with her tail.
1052 A scandal involving an oyster
1053 Sent the Countess of Clews to a cloister
1054 She preferred it, in bed,
1055 To the count (so she said)
1056 'Cause it's longer and stronger and moister.
1058 A scream from the crypt of St. Giles
1059 Resounded for miles upon miles.
1060 Said the friar, "Good gracious,
1061 The brother Ignatious
1062 Forgeteth the abbot hath piles."
1064 A seafaring hacker named Slatey
1065 Went to bed with a VAX/780.
1066 The thing's learned to swear
1067 With a nautical air,
1068 And refers to its users as "matey".
1070 A sex-loving coed named Bree
1071 Caught the clap from her Apple IIE.
1072 The joystick, she found,
1073 Had been fooling around
1074 With a neighboring student's PC.
1076 A silly young man from Hong Kong
1077 Had hands that were skinny and long.
1078 He ate rice with his fingers--
1079 The taste of it lingers,
1080 But now all his fingers are gone.
1082 A slick talking pirate named Bruce
1083 To steal code, had a plan to seduce
1085 Now Bruce wears a truss
1086 And was jailed for computer abuse.
1088 A software technician from Digital
1089 Had hardware extremely prodigical.
1090 It's rumoured, I hear,
1091 That when he was near
1092 He made the ladies all flustered and fidgital.
1094 A space shuttle pilot named Ventry,
1095 Made love to a lovely girl sentry.
1096 She started to pout,
1097 Because it fell out,
1098 But the mission was saved by re-entry.
1100 A sperm faced, alack and forsooth,
1101 His moment of sexual truth.
1102 He'd expected to fall
1103 On a womb's spongy wall
1104 But was dashed to his death on a tooth.
1106 A spinster in Kalamazoo
1107 Once strolled after dark by the zoo.
1108 She was seized by the nape,
1109 And fucked by an ape,
1110 And she murmured, "A wonderful screw."
1112 And she added, "You're rough, yes, and hairy,
1113 But I hope -- yes I do -- that I marry
1115 Half as stiff and as thick
1116 As the kind that you zoo-keepers carry."
1118 A spunky young schoolboy named Fred
1119 Used totoss off each night while in bed.
1120 Said his mother, "Dear lad,
1121 That's exceedingly bad--
1122 Jump in here with your mamma instead."
1124 A starship commander named Kirk
1125 Emerged from his cabin berserk.
1126 He grabbed a girl yeoman
1127 Beneath the abdomen,
1128 And gave her a physical jerk.
1130 A stout Gaelic warrior, McPherson,
1131 Was having a captive, a person
1133 Though she had the curse,
1134 And he'd breeches of bristling furs on.
1136 A structured programmer named Drew
1137 Was intensely turned on by "goto".
1138 When he saw it in code
1139 He'd shoot off his load.
1140 It's a good thing his shop used so few.
1142 A studious professor named Nestor
1143 Bet a whore all his books that he could best her.
1144 But she drained out his balls
1145 And skipped up the walls,
1146 Beseeching poor Nestor to rest her.
1148 A sweetheart named Teresa Arden
1149 Went down on her beau in the garden.
1150 He said, "Good lord, Tess,
1151 Don't swallow that mess "
1152 And she replied, "Ulp, beg your pardon?"
1154 A sweetheart named Teresa Arden
1155 Went down on her beau in the garden.
1156 He said, "Good lord, Tess,
1157 Don't swallow that mess!"
1158 And she replied, "Ulp, beg your pardon?"
1160 A systems programmer named Sprotic
1161 Found his software intensely erotic.
1164 It's possible that he's psychotic.
1166 A talented fuckstress, Miss Chisholm,
1167 Was renowned for her fine paroxysm.
1168 While the man detumesced
1169 She still spent on with zest,
1170 Her rapture sheer anachronism.
1172 A talented girl from Detroit
1173 Could fuck you in ways quite adroit.
1174 She could squeeze her vagina
1175 To a pin-point or finer
1176 Or open it out like a quoit.
1178 A team playing baseball in Dallas
1179 Called te umpire blind out of malice.
1180 While this worthy had fits
1181 The team made eight hits
1182 And a girl in the bleachers named Alice.
1184 A team playing baseball in Dallas
1185 Called the umpire blind out of malice.
1186 While this worthy had fits
1187 The team made eight hits
1188 And a girl in the bleachers named Alice.
1190 A teenage protester named Lil
1191 Cried, "Those watergate spies make me ill
1192 First they bugged our martinis,
1193 Our bras and bikinis,
1194 And now they are bugging the pill."
1196 A thrice-married gal from L.A.
1197 Said, "My hymen's intact to this day,
1198 'Cause my first (a shrink) talked of it,
1199 The voyeur only gawked at it,
1200 And my most recent man's a gourmet."
1202 A tidy young lady of Streator
1203 Dearly loved to nibble a peter.
1204 She always would say,
1205 "I prefer it this way.
1206 I think it is very much neater."
1208 A timid young woman named Jane
1209 Found parties a terrible strain;
1210 With movements uncertain
1211 She'd hide in a curtain
1212 And make sounds like a rabbit in pain.
1215 A tired young trollop of Nome
1216 Was worn out from her toes to her dome.
1217 Eight miners came screwing,
1218 But she said, "Nothing doing;
1219 One of you has to go home!"
1221 A trapper named Francois Lefebrve
1222 Once captured and buggered a beabrve.
1223 The result of this fuck
1224 Was a three titted duck,
1225 A canoe, and an Irish retriebrve.
1227 A tutor who tooted a flute
1228 Tried to tutor two tutors to toot
1229 Said the two to the tutor:
1230 "Is it harder to toot or
1231 To tutor two tutors to toot"
1233 A vengeful technician named Schmitz
1234 Caused a disk drive to go on the fritz.
1235 He covered the platter
1236 With bats' fecal matter.
1237 Now it's seek time is really the pits.
1239 A very intelligent turtle
1240 Found programming UNIX a hurdle
1241 The system, you see,
1242 Ran as slow as did he,
1243 And that's not saying much for the turtle.
1245 A very odd pair are the Pitts:
1246 His balls are as large as her tits,
1247 Her tits are as large
1248 As an invasion barge--
1249 Neither knows how the other cohabits.
1251 A wanton young lady from Wimley
1252 Reproached for not acting quite primly
1253 Said, "Heavens above!
1254 I know sex isn't love,
1255 But it's such an entrancing facsimile."
1257 A water pipe suited miss Hunt;
1258 She used it for many a bunt.
1259 But the unlucky wench
1260 Got it caught in her trench ---
1261 It took twenty-two men and a big Stillson wrench,
1262 To get the thing out of her cunt.
1264 A water pipe suited miss Hunt;
1265 She used it for many a bunt.
1266 But the unlucky wench
1267 Got it caught in her trench ---
1268 It took twenty-two men and a big Stillson wrench,
1269 To get the thing out of her cunt.
1271 A weary old lecher named Blott
1272 Took a luscious young blond to his yacht.
1273 Too lazy to rape her,
1274 He made darts out of paper,
1275 Which he leisurely tossed at her twat.
1277 A whimsical fellow named Bloch
1278 Could beat the base drum with his cock.
1279 With a special erection
1280 He could play a selection
1281 From Johann Sebastian Bach.
1283 A wicked stone cutter named Cary
1284 Drilled holes in divine statuary.
1285 With eyes full of malice
1286 He pulled out his phallus,
1287 And buggered a stone Virgin Mary.
1289 A wide-bottomed girl named Trasket
1290 Had a hole as big as a basket.
1292 In it now, you could hide,
1293 And include with your luggage your mascot.
1295 A widow whose singular vice
1296 Was to keep her late husband on ice
1297 Said, "It's been hard since I lost him --
1298 I'll never defrost him!
1299 Cold comfort, but cheap at the price."
1301 A wonderful bird is the pelican.
1302 His mouth can hold more than his belican.
1303 He can take in his beak
1304 Enough food for a week.
1305 And I'm darned if I know how the helican.
1307 A wonderful bird is the pelican.
1308 His mouth can hold more than his belican.
1309 He can take in his beak
1310 Enough food for a week.
1311 I'm darned if I know how the helican.
1313 A wonderful tribe are the Sweenies,
1314 Renowned for the length of their peenies.
1315 The hair on their balls
1316 Sweeps the floors of their halls,
1317 But they don't look at women, the meanies.
1319 A wood-fetish busboy named Gable
1320 Is rapid, is thorough, is able;
1321 But when everything's cleared,
1322 He gives way to the weird,
1323 As he lovingly busses each table.
1325 A worn-out young husband named Lehr
1326 Her daily his wife's plaintive prayer:
1327 "Slip on a sheath, quick,
1328 Then slip your big dick
1329 Between these lips covered with hair."
1331 A worried young man from Stamboul
1332 Discovered red spots on his tool.
1333 Said the doctor, a cynic,
1334 "Get out of my clinic
1335 Just wipe off the lipstick, you fool."
1337 A worried young man from Stamboul
1338 Founds lots of red spots on his tool.
1339 Said the doctor, a cynic,
1340 "Get out of my clinic;
1341 Just wipe off the lipstick, you fool!"
1343 A young bride and groom of Australia
1344 Remarked as they joined genitalia :
1345 "Though the system seems odd,
1346 We are thankful that God
1347 Developed the genus Mammalia."
1349 A young fellow discovered through Freud
1350 That although of penis devoid,
1351 He could practice coitus
1353 And his parents were quite overjoyed.
1355 A young Juliet of St. Louis
1356 On a balcony stood acting screwy.
1358 But he wasn't well timed,
1359 And half-way up, off he went -- blooey!
1361 A young lad named Lester McGraw
1362 Caught a stranger on top of his Maw.
1363 As he watched him stick her
1364 He said, with a snicker,
1365 "You do it much faster than Paw."
1367 A young lady sat by the sea,
1368 Just as proper as proper could be.
1369 A young fellow goosed her,
1370 And roughly seduced her,
1371 So she thanked him and went home to tea.
1373 A young lady who lived by the Usk
1374 Subsisted each day on a rusk;
1375 She ate the first bite
1376 Before it was light,
1377 And the last crumb sometime after dusk.
1380 A young lass got married at Chester;
1381 Her mother she kissed and she blessed her.
1382 Said she, "You're in luck --
1383 'E's a stunning good fuck,
1384 For I've 'ad 'im meself down in Leicester."
1386 A young maiden from France was no prude,
1387 She decided to dive in the nude,
1388 But her buddy, behind,
1389 Went out of his mind,
1390 When he noticed where she was tatooed.
1392 A young man by a girl was desired
1393 To give her the thrills she required,
1394 But he died of old age
1395 Ere his cock could assuage
1396 The volcanic desire it inspired.
1398 A young man from the banks of the Po
1399 Found his cock had elongated so,
1402 But only his neighbors who'd know.
1404 A young man grew increasingly peaky
1405 In a house where the hinges were squeaky,
1406 The ferns curled up brown,
1407 The ceilings flaked down,
1408 And all of the faucets were leaky.
1411 A young man maintained that his trigger
1412 Was so big that there weren't any bigger.
1413 But this long and thick pud
1414 Was so heavy it could
1415 Scarcely lift up its head. It lacked vigor.
1417 A young man of acumen and daring,
1418 Who'd amassed a great fortune in herring,
1419 Was left quite alone
1420 When it soon became known
1421 That their use at his board was unsparing.
1424 A young man of Llanfairpwllgwyngyll
1425 While bent over plucking a dingle
1426 Had the whole of Eisteddfod
1427 Taking turns at his pod
1428 While they sang some impossible jingle.
1430 A young man with passions quite gingery
1431 Tore a hole in his sister's best lingerie.
1432 He slapped her behind
1433 And made up his mind
1434 To add incest to insult and injury.
1436 A young polo-player of Berkeley
1437 Made love to his sweetheart beserkly.
1438 In the midst of each chukker
1439 He would break off and fuck her
1440 Horizontally, laterally and verkeley.
1442 A young systems programmer of Sprotic
1443 Found his software intensely erotic.
1446 It's possible that he's a psychotic.
1448 A young violinist from Rio
1449 Was seducing a woman named Cleo.
1450 As she took down her panties
1451 She said, "No andantes;
1452 I want this allegro con brio!"
1454 A young wife in the outskirts of Reims
1455 Preferred frigging to going to mass.
1456 Said her husband, "Take Jacques,
1458 For I cannot live up to your ass."
1460 A young woman got married at Chester,
1461 Her mother she kissed her and blessed her.
1462 Says she, "You're in luck,
1463 He's a stunning good fuck,
1464 For I've had him myself down in Leicester."
1466 According to experts, the oyster
1467 In its shell - a crustacean cloister -
1470 Or both, if it should be its choice ter.
1472 Alas for the Countess d'Isere,
1473 Whose muff wasn't furnished with hair.
1474 Said the Count, "Quelle surprise!"
1475 When he parted her thighs;
1476 "Magnifique! Pourtant pas de la guerre."
1478 All the female apes ran from King Kong
1479 For his dong was unspeakably long.
1480 But a friendly giraffe
1481 Quaffed his yard and a half,
1482 And ecstatically burst into song.
1484 An aesthete from South Carolina
1485 Had a cock that tickled like China,
1486 But while shooting his load
1487 It cracked like old Spode,
1488 So he's bought him a Steuben vagina.
1490 An agreeable girl named Miss Doves
1491 Likes to jack off the young men she loves.
1492 She will use her bare fist
1493 If the fellows insist
1494 But she really prefers to wear gloves.
1496 An AI researcher named Bluth
1497 Wrote, to find out the sexual truth,
1499 Which he taught certain tricks
1500 Which I'm sure can't be found in Knuth.
1502 An amazon giantess named Dunne
1503 Let a midget screw her for fun.
1504 But the poor little runt
1505 Was engulfed in her cunt
1506 And re-born as the twin of his son.
1508 An ambitious lady named Harriet
1509 Once dreamed she was raped in a chariot
1510 By seventeen sailors
1511 A monk and three tailors,
1512 Mohammed and Judas Iscariot.
1514 An anonymous woman we knew
1515 Was dozing one day in her pew;
1516 When the preacher yelled "Sin!"
1517 She said, "Count me in
1518 As soon as the service is through."
1520 An architect fellow named Yoric
1521 Could, when feeling euphoric,
1522 Display for selection
1523 Three kinds of erection-
1524 Corinthian, ionic, and doric.
1526 An architect fellow named Yoric
1527 Could, when feeling euphoric,
1528 Display for selection
1529 Three kinds of erection-
1530 Corinthian,ionic,and doric.
1532 An ardent young man named Magruder
1533 Once wooed a girl nude in Bermuda.
1534 She thought it quite lewd
1535 To be wooed in the nude,
1536 But magruder was shrewder, he screwed her.
1538 An Argentine gaucho named Bruno
1539 Who said, "Fucking is one thing I do know.
1541 And sheep are divine
1542 But llamas are numero uno."
1544 An ARPAnaut name of Corvette
1545 Had a fetish involving the net.
1546 As he fondled his IMP
1547 His cock went from limp
1548 To as hard as concrete which has set.
1550 An arrogant wench from Salt Lake
1551 Liked to tease all the boys on the make.
1552 She was finally the prize
1553 Of a man twice her size
1554 And all she recalls is the ache.
1556 An artist who lived in Australia
1557 Once painted his ass like a Dahlia.
1558 The drawing was fine,
1559 The colour - devine,
1560 The scent - ah, that was a failia.
1562 An artist who lived in Australia
1563 Once painted his ass like a Dahlia.
1564 The drawing was fine,
1565 The colour - divine,
1566 The scent - ah, that was a failia.
1568 An eager young hacker named Gus
1569 Once buggered a VAX Unibus.
1570 The hardware went bad,
1571 But not the young lad
1572 (Except for the toupee and truss).
1574 An eager young hacker named Gus
1575 Once buggered a VAX Unibus.
1576 The hardware went bad,
1577 But not the young lad
1578 He didn't expect all that fuss!
1580 An Edwardian father named Udgeon,
1581 Whose offspring provoked him to dudgeon,
1582 Used on Saturday nights
1583 To turn down the lights,
1584 And chase them around with a bludgeon.
1587 An envious girl named McMeanus
1588 Was jealous of her lover's big penis.
1589 It was small consolation
1590 That the rest of the nation
1591 Of women were with her in weeness.
1593 An exotic young lady named Suki
1594 Once danced in a troupe of kabuki
1595 When asked for a fuck
1596 She said, "Solly, no luck--
1597 See here: looky looky, no nuki "
1599 An impish young fellow named James
1600 Had a passion for idiot games.
1602 Of his lady's affair
1603 And laughed as she pissed through the flames.
1605 An impotent Scot named MacDougall
1606 Had to husband his sperm and be frugal.
1607 He was gathering semen
1609 By screwing his wife through a bugle.
1611 An incautious young woman named Venn
1612 Was seen with the wrong sort of men;
1613 She vanished one day,
1614 But the following May
1615 Her legs were retrieved from a fen.
1618 An indefatigable woman named Bavel
1619 Had often occasion to travel;
1620 On the way she would sit
1622 And on the way back she'd unravel.
1625 An ingenious young man in South Bend
1626 Made a synthetic ass for a friend,
1627 But the friend shortly found
1628 Its construction unsound,
1629 It was simply a bother -- no end.
1631 An innocent maiden named Herridge
1632 Was cruelly tricked ito marriage;
1633 When she later found out
1634 What her spouse was about,
1635 She threw herself under a carriage.
1638 An inquisitive virgin named Dora
1639 Asked the man who started to bore 'er :
1640 "Do you mean birds and bees
1641 Go through antics like these,
1642 To suppy us our fauna and flora?"
1644 An irate young lady named Booker
1645 Told her husband, "You beast, I'm no hooker!
1646 If you want it queer ways,
1647 Go to whores for your lays!"
1648 So he packed up his tool and forsook 'er.
1651 To his wife remained steadfastly true.
1652 This was not from compunction,
1653 But due to dysfunction
1654 Of his spermatic glands -- nuts to you.
1656 An old couple just at Shrovetide
1657 Were having a piece -- when he died.
1659 Sat tight on his peak,
1660 And bounced up and down as she cried.
1662 An old electronic designer
1663 Had designs on a minor named Dinah.
1664 He couldn't carry them out
1665 For his prick was too stout,
1666 And too small was the minor's vagina.
1668 An old gentleman's crotchets and quibblings
1669 Were a terrible trial to his siblings,
1670 But he was not removed
1671 Till one day it was proved
1672 That the bell-ropes were damp with his dribblings.
1675 An old maid who had a pet ape
1676 Lived in fear of perpetual rape.
1677 His red, hairy phallus
1678 So filled her with malice
1679 That she sealed up her snatch with Scotch tape.
1681 An old man at the Folies Bergere
1682 Had a jock, a most wondrous affair:
1683 It snipped off a twat-curl
1684 From each new chorus girl,
1685 And he had a wig made of the hair.
1687 An organist playing in York
1688 Had a prick that could hold a small fork,
1689 And between obbligatos
1690 He'd munch at tomatoes,
1691 To keep up his strength while at work.
1693 An orgasmic young sex star named Sue
1694 Was a hit as she writhed to a screw.
1695 Her climatic fame spread
1696 With an ad blitz that said:
1697 Coming soon at a theater near you!
1699 An uptight young lady named Breerley
1700 Who valued her morals too dearly
1702 Only once every year,
1703 And she strained her vagina severely.
1705 And earnest young woman in Thrace
1706 Said, "Darling, that's not the right place!"
1707 So he gave her a thwack,
1708 And did on her back,
1709 What he couldn't have done face to face.
1711 And then there's the story that's fraught
1712 With disaster -- of balls that got caught,
1713 When a chap took a crap
1714 In the woods, and a trap
1715 Underneath... Oh, I can't bear the thought!
1717 As for weirdness, the guy who's the tops
1718 Is a kinky old butcher named Pops.
1719 Since he thinks it's effete
1720 To be beating his meat,
1721 What he's into is licking his chops.
1723 As he came in his chubby choirboy,
1724 Father Burke said, "There's no greater joy!
1726 And possible heavens,
1727 Existence will merely annoy."
1729 As the breeches-buoy swing towards the rocks,
1730 Its occupant cried, "Save my socks!
1731 I could not bear the loss,
1732 For with scarlet silk floss
1733 My mama has embroidered their clocks."
1736 As tourists inspected the apse
1737 An ominous series of raps
1738 Came from under the altar,
1739 Which caused some to falter
1740 And others to shriek and collapse.
1743 Asked a supplicant priest of the pontiff,
1744 "Do I sin if I do what I want, if
1746 In the eastertide sun?"
1747 His holiness murmured, "Gut yontiff."
1749 At a contest for farting in Butte
1750 One lady's exertion was cute :
1753 And three judges were felled by the brute.
1755 At a dance, a girl from Connecticut
1756 Showed an absolute absence of etiquette
1757 Letting all comers press
1758 Through the skirt of her dress
1759 And wiping the mess with her petticoat.
1761 At the end of all civilization
1762 Is the planet Terminus's location.
1763 There's a girl there whose feat,
1764 Without stone or concrete,
1765 Nonetheless, was to lay the Foundation.
1767 At the moment Japan declared war
1768 A sailor was fucking a whore.
1769 He said, "After this poke
1770 `Long and hard' ain't no joke;
1771 This means months 'til I get back ashore."
1773 At the Villa Nemetia the sleepers
1774 Are disturbed by a phantom in weepers;
1775 It beats all night long
1777 As it staggers about in the creepers.
1780 At Vassar, sex isn't injurious,
1781 Though of love we are never penurious.
1782 Thanks to vulcanized aids,
1783 Though we may die old maids,
1784 At least we shall never die curious.
1786 At whist drives and strawberry teas
1787 Fan would giggle and show off her knees;
1788 But when she was alone
1789 She'd drink eau de cologne,
1790 And weep from a sense of unease.
1793 Augustus, for slpashing his soup,
1794 Was put for the night on the stoop;
1795 In the morning he'd not
1797 And next day he was dead of the croup.
1800 Augustus, for splashing his soup,
1801 Was put for the night on the stoop;
1802 In the morning he'd not
1804 And next day he was dead of the croup.
1807 Back in the days of old Adam
1808 The grass served as mattress for madam,
1809 And they spent the whole day
1810 On the sex that today
1811 They would bounce on box springs, if they had 'em.
1813 Each Friday his engines abort,
1814 But Scotty is never caught short.
1815 He fills his machines
1816 With space-navy beans,
1817 And farts the ship back into port.
1819 Each night Father fills me with dread
1820 When he sits on the foot of my bed;
1821 I'd not mind that he speaks
1822 In gibbers and squeaks,
1823 But for the seventeen years he's been dead.
1826 Each night Father fills me with dread
1827 When he sits on the foot ofmy bed;
1828 I'd not mind that he speaks
1829 In gibbers and squeaks,
1830 But for the seventeen years he's been dead.
1833 From deep in the crypt at St. Giles
1834 Came a bellow that echoed for miles.
1835 Said the rector, "My gracious,
1837 Forgotten the Bishop has piles!?"
1839 From Number Nine, Penwiper Mews,
1840 There is really abominable news;
1841 They've discovered a head
1842 In the box for the bread,
1843 But nobody seems to know whose.
1846 From the bathing machine came a din
1847 As of jollification within;
1848 It was heard far and wide,
1849 And the incoming tide
1850 Had a definite flavour of gin.
1853 "Fucked by the finger of Fate!"
1854 Bewailed a young fellow named Tate.
1855 "Since dating Miss Baugh,
1856 My whole tongue has been raw--
1857 It must have been something I ate."
1859 In the case of a lady named Frost,
1860 Whose cunt's a good two feet acrost,
1861 It's the best part of valor
1862 To bugger the gal, or
1863 You're apt to fall in and get lost.
1865 In the Garden of Eden lay Adam,
1866 Complacently stroking his madam,
1867 And loud was his mirth
1868 For on all of the earth
1869 There were only two balls -- and he had 'em.
1871 In the garden of Eden lay Adam,
1872 Complacently stroking his madam
1873 And loud was his mirth
1874 For on all of the earth
1875 There were only two balls and he had'em.
1877 In the little French town of Le'Beau,
1878 Lived a maiden exceedingly droll.
1879 At a masquerade ball,
1880 Clad in nothing at all,
1881 She backed in as a Parker house roll.
1883 It always delights me at Hank's
1884 To walk up the old river banks.
1885 One time in the grass
1886 I stepped on an ass,
1887 And heard a young girl murmur, "Thanks."
1889 It had snowed, and the man in the drift,
1890 Flagged her down and asked, "Give me a lift?"
1891 They sat in her Bentley,
1892 She fondled him gently,
1893 And the lift that he'd asked for was swift!
1895 The late Brigham Young was no neuter --
1896 No faggot, no fairy, no fruiter.
1897 Where ten thousand virgins
1898 Succumbed to his urgin's
1899 There now stands the great State of Utah.
1901 The latest reports from Good Hope
1902 State that apes there have pricks thick as rope,
1903 And fuck high, wide, and free,
1904 From the top of one tree
1905 To the top of the next -- what a scope!
1907 The limerick, a verse form iniquitous,
1908 Has nonetheless been ubiquitous.
1909 Once Congress in session,
1910 Declared its suppression,
1911 But people got around that by writing the last line with no rhyme or meter.
1913 The limerick is furtive and mean;
1914 You must keep her in close quarantine,
1915 Or she sneaks to the slums
1916 And promptly becomes
1917 Disorderly, drunk, and obscene.
1920 The limerick is furtive and mean;
1921 You must keep her in close quarantine,
1922 Or she sneaks to the slums
1923 And promptly becomes
1924 Disorderly, drunk, and obscene.
1927 The old archeologist, Throstle,
1928 Discovered a marvelous fossil.
1929 He knew from its bend
1930 And the knot on the end,
1931 T'was the penis of Paul the Apostle.
1933 There a young man from the Coast
1934 Who had an affair with a ghost.
1935 At the height of orgasm
1936 Said the pallid phantasm,
1937 "I think I can feel it -- almost!"
1939 There once was a bishop from Birmingham
1940 Who deflowered young girls while confirming 'em.
1941 As they knelt on the hassock
1942 He lifted his cassock
1943 And slipped his episcopal worm in 'em.
1945 There once was a boy named Carruthers
1946 Who was busily fucking his mother
1947 "I know it's a sin,"
1948 He said, shoving it in,
1949 "But it's better than blowing my brother."
1951 There once was a chick named Longet,
1952 Who went out to Aspen to play.
1953 Along came a Spyder,
1954 Who sat down beside her
1955 And she blew the poor bastard away.
1957 There once was a clergyman's daughter
1958 Who detested the pony he bought her,
1959 Till she found that its dong
1960 Was as hard and as long
1961 As the prayers her father had taught her.
1963 She married a fellow named Tony
1964 Who soon found her fucking the pony.
1965 Said he, "What's it got,
1966 My dear, that I've not?"
1967 Sighed she, "Just a yard-long bologna."
1969 There once was a couple named Kelley,
1970 Who lived their life belly to belly.
1971 Because in their haste
1972 They used library paste,
1973 Instead of petroleum jelly.
1975 There once was a couple named Kelly
1976 Who walked around belly-to-belly.
1977 It seems in their haste,
1978 They used Carter's paste
1979 Instead of petroleum jelly.
1981 There once was a dentist named Stone
1982 Who saw all his patients alone.
1983 In a fit of depravity
1984 He filled the wrong cavity,
1985 And my, how his practice has grown!
1987 There once was a Duchess of Beever
1988 Who slept with her golden retriever.
1989 Said the potted old Duke :
1990 "Such tricks make me puke!
1991 Were it not for her money, I'd leave her."
1993 There once was a Duchess of Bruges
1994 Whose cunt was incredibly huge.
1995 Said the king to this dame
1996 As he thunderously came:
1997 "Mon Dieu! Apres moi, le deluge!"
1999 There once was a fag of Khartoom
2000 Who spent the night in a Lesbians room.
2001 They argued all night,
2002 Over who had the right,
2003 To do what, and with which, and to whom.
2005 There once was a fairy named Avers
2006 Who encircled his cock with lifesavers.
2007 Though buggers all claimed
2008 That their asses were maimed,
2009 Sixy-niners all cheered the new flavors.
2011 There once was a fellow named Bob
2012 Who in sexual ways was a snob.
2013 One day he was swimmin'
2014 With twelve naked women
2015 And deserted them all for a gob.
2017 There once was a fellow named Brewster
2018 Who said to his wife, as he goosed her,
2019 "It used to be grand
2021 You're not wiping as clean as ya uster."
2023 There once was a fellow named Howard,
2024 Whose tool it was nuclear-powered,
2025 While grabbing some ass,
2026 He reached critical mass,
2027 But think of the girl he deflowered!
2029 There once was a fellow named Potts
2030 Who was prone to having the trots
2031 But his humble abode
2032 Was without a commode
2033 So his carpet was covered with spots.
2035 There once was a fellow named Siegel
2036 Who attempted to bugger a beagle,
2037 But the mettlesome bitch
2038 Turned and said with a twitch,
2039 "It's fun, but you know it's illegal."
2041 There once was a fellow named Sweeney
2042 Who spilled gin all over his weenie.
2045 And slipped his amour a martini.
2047 There once was a fencer named Fisk,
2048 Whose speed was incredibly brisk.
2049 So fast was his action,
2050 The Fitzgerald contraction,
2051 Foreshortended his foil to a disk.
2053 There once was a fiesty young terrier
2054 Who liked to bite girls on the derriere.
2055 He'd yip and he'd yap,
2056 Then leap up and snap;
2057 And the fairer the derriere the merrier.
2059 There once was a floozie named Annie
2060 Whose prices were cosy--but cannie:
2062 Fifty cents for a suck,
2063 And a dime for a feel of her fanny.
2065 There once was a freshman named Lin,
2066 Whose tool was as thin as a pin,
2068 From a bible belt home,
2069 Said "This won't be much of a sin."
2071 There once was a gangster named Brown
2072 - the sneakiest bastard in town.
2073 He was caught by G-men
2075 Where the cops would slip and fall down.
2077 There once was a gaucho named Bruno,
2078 Who said, "About sex, well, I do know,
2079 Sheep are just fine,
2081 But iguanas are Numero Uno."
2083 There once was a gay young Parisian
2084 Who screwed an appendix incision,
2085 And the girl of his choice
2086 Could hardly rejoice
2087 At the horrible lack of precision.
2089 There once was a girl from Cornell
2090 Whose teats were shaped like a bell.
2091 When you touched them they shrunk,
2092 Except when she was drunk,
2093 And then they got bigger than hell.
2095 There once was a girl from Decatur,
2096 Who got laid by a big alligator.
2098 The result of that screw,
2099 'Cause after he laid her, he ate her.
2101 There once was a girl from Madras
2102 Who had such a beautiful ass -
2103 It was not round and pink
2104 ( as you bastards think )
2105 But had two ears, a tail, and ate grass.
2107 There once was a girl from Madras
2108 Who had such a beautiful ass -
2109 It was not round and pink
2110 (As you bastards think)
2111 But had two ears, a tail, and ate grass.
2113 There once was a girl from Spokane,
2114 Went to bed with a one-legged man.
2115 She said, "I know you--
2116 You've really got two!
2117 Why didn't you say so when we began?"
2119 There once was a girl named Irene
2120 Who lived on distilled kerosene
2121 But she started absorbin'
2123 And since then has never benzene.
2125 There once was a girl named Louise
2126 Who cunt hair hung down to her knees
2127 The crabs in her twat
2128 Tied the hairs in a knot
2129 And constructed a flying trapeze
2131 There once was a girl named Mcgoffin
2132 Who was diddled amazingly often.
2133 She was rogered by scores
2134 Who'd been turned down by whores,
2135 And was finally screwed in her coffin.
2137 There once was a girl named Priscilla
2138 Whose vagina was flavored vanilla.
2139 The taste was so fine
2140 Man and beast stood in line
2141 (Including a stud armadilla).
2143 There once was a girl so lovely,
2144 Who wanted to make love in the bubbly,
2145 She strapped on her tanks,
2146 And started her pranks,
2147 But the lobsters all thought she was ugly.
2149 There once was a golfer named Leer,
2150 Who got put in the clink for a year,
2151 For an action obscene,
2152 On the very first green.
2153 Where the sign said "Enter course here."
2155 There once was a gouty old colonel
2156 Who grew glum when the weather grew vernal,
2157 And he cried in his tiffin
2158 For his prick wouldn't stiffen,
2159 And the size of the thing was infernal.
2161 There once was a guardsman from Buckingham
2162 Who said, "As for girls, I hate fucking 'em.
2163 But when I meet boys,
2165 Just licking their peckers and sucking 'em."
2167 There once was a hacker named Ken
2168 Who inherited truckloads of Yen.
2169 So he built him some chicks,
2171 And hasn't been heard from since then.
2173 There once was a handsome young seaman
2174 Who with ladies was really a demon.
2177 He could certainly dish out the semen.
2179 There once was a horny old bitch
2180 With a motorized self-frigger which
2181 She would use with delight
2182 All day long and all night -
2183 Twenty bucks: Abercrombie & Fitch.
2185 There once was a horse named Lily
2186 Whose dingus was really a dilly.
2187 It was vaginoid duply,
2188 And labial quadruply --
2189 In fact, he was really a filly.
2191 There once was a husky young Viking
2192 Whose sexual prowess was striking.
2193 Every time he got hot
2194 He would scour the twat
2195 Of some girl that might be to his liking.
2197 There once was a jolly old bloke
2198 Who picked up a girl for a poke.
2199 He took down her pants,
2200 Fucked her into a trance,
2201 And then shit into her shoe for a joke.
2203 There once was a kiddie named Carr
2204 Caught a man on top of his mar.
2205 As he saw him stick 'er,
2206 He said with a snicker,
2207 "You do it much faster than par."
2209 There once was a lady from Exeter,
2210 So pretty that men craned their necks at her.
2211 One was even so brave
2212 As to take out and wave
2213 The distinguishing mark of his sex at her.
2215 There once was a lady from Kansas
2216 Whose cunt was as big as Bonanzas.
2217 It was nine inches deep
2218 And the sides were quite steep --
2219 It had whiskers like General Carranza's.
2221 There once was a lady named Carter,
2222 Fell in love with a virile young Tartar.
2223 She stripped off his pants,
2224 At his prick quickly glanced,
2225 And cried: "For that I'll be a martyr!"
2227 There once was a lady named Clair,
2228 Who posessed a magnificent pair.
2229 Or that's what I thought,
2230 Till I saw one get caught,
2231 On a thorn and begin losing air.
2233 There once was a lady named Myrtle
2234 Who had an affair with a turtle.
2235 She had crabs, so they say,
2237 Which proved that that turtle was fertile.
2239 There once was a lawyer named Rex
2240 With minuscule organs of sex.
2241 Arraigned for exposure,
2242 He maintained with composure,
2243 "De minimis non curat lex."
2245 [Trans: the law does not concern itself with small things. Ed.]
2247 There once was a lifeguard named Lee
2248 Who rescued a girl from the sea
2249 She asked how to pay,
2250 And he said "Try this way,
2251 Go down for the third time on me."
2253 There once was a maid from Mobile
2254 Whose cunt was made of blue steel.
2255 She only got thrills
2256 From pneumatic drills
2257 And an off-centered emery wheel.
2259 There once was a man from Bombay
2260 He would do it all night and all day
2262 You shoulda' heard him roar
2263 When his wife rubbed his balls with Ben-Gay!
2265 There once was a man from Calcutta
2266 Who used to beat off in the gutta
2269 And turned all his cream into butta!
2271 There once was a man from Dunoon,
2272 Who always ate soup with a fork.
2274 Either fish, foul or flesh,
2275 I otherwise finish too quick."
2277 There once was a man from Exameter
2278 Who had a prodigious diameter
2279 But it wasn't the size
2280 That brought forth the cries
2281 'Twas his rythm, iambic pentameter.
2283 There once was a man from Madras,
2284 Whose balls were made out of brass.
2285 When they clanged together,
2286 They played "Stormy Weather",
2287 And lightning shot out of his ass.
2289 There once was a man from Nantee
2290 Who buggered an ape in a tree.
2291 The results were most horrid
2292 All ass and no forehead
2293 Three balls and a purple goatee.
2295 There once was a man from Nantucket
2296 Who kept all his cash in a bucket.
2297 His daughter, named Nan,
2298 Ran away with a man,
2299 And as for the bucket, Nantucket.
2301 The pair of them went to Manhasset,
2302 (Nan and the man with the asset.)
2303 Pa followed them there,
2304 But they left in a tear,
2305 And as for the asset, Manhasset.
2307 Pa followed the pair to Pawtucket,
2308 (Nan and the man with the bucket.)
2310 "You're welcome to Nan."
2311 But as for the bucket, Pawtucket.
2313 There once was a man from Nantucket,
2314 Whose cock was so long he could suck it.
2315 He said with a grin,
2316 As he wiped off his chin,
2317 If my ear were a cunt I could fuck it!
2319 There once was a man from Nantucket
2320 Whose dick was so long he could suck it.
2322 As he wiped off his chin,
2323 "If my ear was a cunt, I could fuck it."
2325 There once was a man from Racine,
2326 Who invented a screwing machine.
2327 Both concave and convex,
2328 It could please either sex,
2329 But, oh, what a bastard to clean!
2331 There once was a man from Sandem
2332 Who was making his girl on a tandem.
2333 At the peak of the make
2334 She jammed on the brake
2335 And scattered his semen at random.
2337 There once was a man from Sydney
2338 Who could put it up to her kidney.
2339 But the man from Quebec
2340 Put it up to her neck;
2341 He had a big one, now didn't he?
2343 There once was a man named Lodge,
2344 who had seatbelts installed in his Dodge.
2345 When his date was strapped in,
2347 without ever leaving the garage.
2349 There once was a man named McGruder,
2350 Who canoed with a girl in Bermuder.
2351 But the girl thought it crude,
2352 To be wooed in the nude,
2353 So McGru took an oar and subduder.
2355 There once was a man named McSweeny
2356 Who spilled lots of gin on his weeney
2359 And slipped his best girl a martini.
2361 There once was a man named McSweeny
2362 Who spilled some raw gin on his weeny.
2365 And slipped his girlfriend a martini.
2367 There once was a man named Parridge
2368 With peculiar views on marriage.
2369 He sucked off his brother,
2370 Fucked his own mother,
2371 And gobbled his sister's miscarriage.
2373 There once was a man with a hernia
2374 Who said to his doctor, "Gol dern ya,
2375 When you work on my middle
2376 Be sure you don't fiddle
2377 With things that do not concern ya."
2379 There once was a member of Mensa
2380 Who was a most excellent fencer.
2381 The sword that he used
2382 Was his -- (line is refused,
2383 And has now been removed by the censor).
2385 There once was a miner named Dave,
2386 Who kept a dead whore in his cave.
2387 She was ugly as shit,
2388 And missing one tit,
2389 But think of the money he saves.
2391 There once was a monk of Camyre
2392 Who was seized with a carnal desire
2393 And the primary cause
2394 Was the abbess's drawers
2395 Which were hung up to dry by the fire.
2397 There once was a newspaper vendor,
2398 A person of dubious gender.
2399 He would charge one-and-two
2400 For permission to view
2401 His remarkable double pudenda.
2403 There once was a plumber from Leigh
2404 Who was plumbing his maid by the sea.
2405 Said she, "Please stop plumbing,
2406 I think someone's coming!"
2407 Said he, "Yes, I know love, it's me."
2409 There once was a pretty young Mrs.
2410 Whose tearful but short story thrs.
2411 Her mind lost its grasp -
2412 Now she thinks she's an asp
2413 And just sits in the corner and hrs.
2415 There once was a queen of Bulgaria
2416 Whose bush had grown hairier and hairier,
2417 Till a prince from Peru
2418 Who came up for a screw
2419 Had to hunt for her cunt with a terrier.
2421 There once was a reverend at Kings
2422 Whose mind 'twas on heavenly things.
2423 But his heart was on fire
2424 For a boy in the choir
2425 Whose buns were like jelly on springs.
2427 There once was a sad Maitre d'hotel
2428 Who said, "They can all go to hell!
2429 What they do to my wife --
2430 Why it ruins my life;
2431 And the worst is they all do it well."
2433 There once was a sailor named Gasted,
2434 A swell guy, as long as he lasted,
2435 He could jerk himself off
2437 Or a breeches-buoy swung from the masthead.
2439 There once was a Scot named McAmeter
2440 With a tool of prodigious diameter.
2442 That cause such surprise;
2443 'Twas his rhythm -- iambic pentameter.
2445 There once was a son-of-a-bitch,
2446 Neither clever, nor handsome, nor rich,
2447 Yet the girls he would dazzle,
2448 And fuck to a frazzle,
2449 And then ditch them, the son-of-a-bitch!
2451 There once was a spaceman named Spock
2452 Who had a huge Vulcanized cock.
2453 A girl from Missouri
2454 Whose name was Uhura
2455 Just fainted away from the shock.
2457 There once was a Swede in Minneapolis,
2458 Discovered his sex life was hapless:
2459 The more he would screw
2460 The more he'd want to,
2461 And he feared he would soon be quite sapless.
2463 There once was a Usenetter named Mark,
2464 Whose gender was kept in the dark.
2465 He/she/it said with a nod,
2466 "My ancestors were odd!"
2467 Did Noah need two for the ark?
2469 There once was a whore from Regina
2470 Who had a stupendous vagina.
2471 To save herself time,
2472 She had six at a time,
2473 And another one working behind her.
2475 There once was a woman from Arden
2476 Who sucked off a man in a garden.
2477 He said, "My dear Flo,
2478 Where does all that stuff go?"
2479 And she said, "[Swallow hard] I beg pardon?"
2481 There once was a yokel of Beaconsfield
2482 Engaged to look after the deacon's field,
2483 But he lurked in the ditches
2484 And diddled the bitches
2485 Who happened to cross that antique 'un's field.
2487 There once was a young fellow named Blaine,
2488 And he screwed some disgusting old jane.
2489 She was ugly and smelly,
2490 With an awful pot-belly,
2491 But... well, they were caught in the rain.
2493 There once was a young girl from Natches
2494 Who chanced to be born with two snatches
2495 She often said, "Shit!
2497 For a guy with equipment that matches."
2499 There once was a young man from Boston
2500 Who drove around town in an Austin,
2501 There was room for his ass,
2502 And a gallon of gas,
2503 So he hung out his balls and he lost 'em.
2505 There once was a young man from France
2506 Who waited ten years for his chance;
2507 Then he muffed it...
2509 There once was a young man from Yuma
2510 Who attempted sex with a puma
2511 He gave up real quick
2512 Minus nose, toes, and prick
2513 In obvious pain and ill huma.
2515 There once was a young man from Yuma,
2516 Who told an elephant joke to a puma.
2517 Now his dry bleached bones lie,
2518 Under hot Asian skies,
2519 'Cause the puma had no sense of huma.
2521 There once was a young man named Clyde
2522 Who fell in an outhouse, and died.
2523 He had a twin brother
2525 And now they're interred side by side.
2527 There once was a young man named Gene,
2528 Who invented a screwing machine.
2530 It served either sex,
2531 And it played with itself inbetween.
2533 There once was a young man named Lancelot
2534 Whom the townsfolk would look at askance a lot
2535 For when he should pass
2537 The front of his pants would advance a lot.
2539 There once was an Arpanet freak,
2540 Who better response-time did seek.
2541 He searched coast to coast,
2542 For a reliable host,
2543 Whose logger took less than a week.
2545 There once was an old man from Esser,
2546 Who's knowledge grew lesser and lesser.
2547 It at last grew so small,
2548 He knew nothing at all,
2549 And now he's a College Professor.
2551 There once were two brothers named Luntz
2552 Who buggered each other at once.
2553 When asked to account
2554 For this intricate mount,
2555 They said, "Ass-holes are tighter than cunts."
2557 There once were two women from Birmingham.
2558 And this is the story concerning 'em.
2559 They lifted the frock
2560 And fondled the cock
2561 Of the bishop as he was confirming 'em.
2563 There was a bluestocking in Florence
2564 Wrote anti-sex pamphlets in torrents,
2565 Till a Spanish grandee,
2566 Got her off with his knee,
2567 And she burned all her works with abhorrence.
2569 There was a family named Doe,
2570 An ideal family to know.
2571 As father screwed mother,
2572 She said, "You're heavier than brother."
2573 And he said, "Yes, Sis told me so!"
2575 There was a fat lady of China
2576 Who'd a really enormous vagina,
2577 And when she was dead
2578 They painted it red,
2579 And used it for docking a liner.
2581 There was a fat man from Rangoon
2582 Whose prick was much like a ballon.
2583 He tried hard to ride her
2584 And when finally inside her
2585 She thought she was pregnant too soon.
2587 There was a gay countess of Bray,
2588 And you may think it odd when I say,
2589 That in spite of high station,
2591 She always spelled cunt with a 'k'.
2593 There was a gay countess of Bray,
2594 And you may think it odd when I say,
2595 That in spite of high station,
2597 She always spelled cunt with a 'k'.
2599 There was a gay dog from Ontario
2600 Who fancied himself a Lothario.
2602 He'd snatch off his pants
2603 And make for her Mons Venerio.
2605 There was a gay parson of Norton
2606 Whose prick, although thick, was a short 'un.
2607 To make up for this loss,
2608 He had balls like a horse,
2609 And never spent less than a quartern.
2611 There was a gay parson of Tooting
2612 Whose roe he was frequently shooting,
2613 Till he married a lass
2614 With a face like my arse,
2615 And a cunt you could put a top-boot in.
2617 There was a girl from Aberystwyth
2618 Who brought grain to the mill to get grist with.
2619 The miller's son Jack
2620 Laid her flat on her back
2621 And united the organs they pissed with.
2623 There was a lewd fellow named Duff
2624 Who loved to dive deep in the muff.
2625 With his head in a whirl
2626 He said, "Spread it, Pearl;
2627 I cunt get enough of the stuff!"
2629 There was a man from Mich.
2630 Who used to wish and wich.
2631 That spring would come
2633 Around and go out fich.
2635 There was a pianist named Liszt
2636 Who played with one hand while he pissed,
2637 But as he grew older
2638 His technique grew bolder,
2639 And in concert jacked off with his fist.
2641 There was a poor parson from Goring,
2642 Who made a small hole in his flooring,
2643 Fur-lined it all round,
2644 Then laid on the ground,
2645 And declared it was cheaper than whoring.
2647 There was a strong man of Drumrig
2648 Who one day did seven times frig.
2649 He buggered three sailors,
2650 Four dogs and two tailors,
2651 And ended by fucking a pig.
2653 There was a teenager named Donna
2654 Who never said, "No, I don't wanna."
2655 Two days out of three
2656 She would shoot LSD,
2657 And on weekends she smoked marijuana.
2659 There was a young belle of old Natchez
2660 Whose garments were always in patchez.
2662 On the state of her clothes
2663 She, drawled, "When ah itchez, ah scratchez."
2665 There was a young blade from South Greece
2666 Whose bush did so greatly increase
2667 That before he could shack
2668 He must hunt needle in stack.
2669 'Twas as bad as being obese.
2671 There was a young bride, a Canuck,
2672 Told her husband, "Let's do more than suck.
2673 You say that I, maybe,
2674 Can have my first baby--
2675 Let's give up this Frenchin' and fuck!"
2677 There was a young bride of Antigua
2678 Whose husband said, "Dear me, how big you are!"
2679 Said the girl, "What damn'd rot!
2680 Why, you've only felt my twot,
2681 My legs and my arse and my figua!"
2683 There was a young chap in Arabia
2684 Who courted a widow named Fabia.
2685 "Yes, my tongue is as long
2686 As the average man's dong,"
2687 He said, licking the lips of her labia.
2689 There was a young cook with the art
2690 Of making a delicious tart
2691 With a handful of shit,
2692 Some snot and some spit,
2693 And he'd flavor the whole with a fart.
2695 There was a young curate whose brain
2696 Was deranged from the use of cocaine;
2697 He lured a small child
2698 To a copse dark and wild,
2699 Where he beat it to death with his cane.
2702 There was a young damsel named Baker
2703 Who was poked in a pew by a Quaker.
2704 He yelled, "My God! what
2705 Do you call this -- a twat?
2706 Why, the entrance is more than an acre!"
2708 There was a young dolly named Molly
2709 Who thought that to frig was a folly.
2710 Said she, "Your pee-pee
2711 Means nothing to me,
2712 But I'll do it just to be jolly."
2714 There was a young fellow called Clyde
2715 Who fell in an outhouse and died.
2716 He had a twin brother
2718 So now they're interred side by side.
2720 There was a young fellow from Cal.,
2721 In bed with a passionate gal.
2722 He leapt from the bed,
2723 To the toilet he sped;
2724 Said the gal, "What about me, old pal?"
2726 There was a young fellow from Florida
2727 Who liked a friend's wife, so he borrowed her.
2728 When they got into bed
2729 He cried, "God strike me dead!
2730 This ain't a cunt -- it's a corridor!"
2732 There was a young fellow from Kent
2733 Whose cock was so long that it bent
2734 To save himself trouble
2736 And instead of coming, he went.
2738 There was a young fellow from Leeds
2739 Who swallowed a package of seeds.
2740 Great tufts of grass
2741 Sprouted out of his ass
2742 And his balls were all covered with weeds.
2744 There was a young fellow from Parma
2745 Who was solemnly screwing his charmer.
2746 Said the damsel demure,
2747 "You'll excuse me, I'm sure,
2748 But I must say you fuck like a farmer."
2750 There was a young fellow name Tucker
2751 Who, instructing a novice cock-sucker,
2752 Said, "Don't bow out your lips
2753 Like an elephant's hips,
2754 The boys like it best when they pucker."
2756 There was a young fellow named Ades
2757 Whose favorite fruit was young maids.
2758 But sheep, nigger boys, whores,
2759 And the knot holes in doors
2760 Were by no means exempt from his raids.
2762 There was a young fellow named Babbitt
2763 Who could screw nine times like a rabbit,
2764 But a girl from Johore
2765 Could do it twice more,
2766 Which was just enough extra to crab it.
2768 There was a young fellow named Bill,
2769 Who took an atomic pill,
2771 His asshole exploded,
2772 And they found his nuts in Brazil.
2774 There was a young fellow named Blaine,
2775 And he screwed some disgusting old jane.
2776 She was ugly and smelly
2777 With an awful pot-belly,
2778 But... well, they were caught in the rain.
2780 There was a young fellow named Bliss
2781 Whose sex life was strangely amiss,
2783 His recalcitrant penis
2784 Would never do better than t
2790 There was a young fellow named Bowen
2791 Whose pecker kept growin' and growin'.
2792 It grew so tremendous,
2793 So long and so pendulous,
2794 'Twas no good for fuckin' -- just showin'.
2796 There was a young fellow named Brewer
2797 Whose girl made her home in a sewer.
2798 Thus he, the poor soul,
2799 Could get into her hole,
2800 And still not be able to screw her!
2802 There was a young fellow named Case
2803 Who entered a cunt-lapping race.
2804 He licked his way clean
2805 Through Number thirteen,
2806 But then slipped and got pissed in the face.
2808 There was a young fellow named Charteris
2809 Put his hand where his young lady's garter is.
2810 Said she, "I don't mind,
2811 And higher up you'll find
2812 The place where my fucker and farter is."
2814 There was a young fellow named Cribbs
2815 Whose cock was so big it had ribs.
2816 They were inches apart,
2817 And to suck it took art,
2818 While to fuck it took forty-two trips.
2820 There was a young fellow named dick
2821 Who had a magnificent prick.
2822 It was shaped like a prism
2823 And shot so much gism
2824 It made every cocksucker sick.
2826 There was a young fellow named Feeney
2827 Whose girl was a terrible meany.
2828 The hatch of her snatch
2829 Had a catch that would latch
2830 - She could only be screwed by Houdini.
2832 There was a young fellow named Fletcher,
2833 Was reputed an infamous lecher.
2834 When he'd take on a whore
2835 She'd need a rebore,
2836 And they'd carry him out on a stretcher.
2838 There was a young fellow named Fyfe
2839 Whose marriage was ruined for life,
2840 For he had an aversion
2841 To every perversion,
2842 And only liked fucking his wife.
2844 Well, one year the poor woman struck,
2845 And she wept, and she cursed at her luck,
2846 And said, "Where have you gotten us
2847 With your goddamn monotonous
2848 Fuck after fuck after fuck?
2850 "I once knew a harlot named Lou --
2851 And a versatile girl she was, too.
2852 After ten years of whoredom
2853 She perished of boredom
2854 When she married a jackass like you!"
2856 There was a young fellow named Gene
2857 Who first picked his asshole quite clean.
2858 He next picked his toes,
2859 And lastly his nose,
2860 And he never did wash in between.
2862 There was a young fellow named Gluck
2863 Who found himself shit out of luck.
2864 Though he petted and wooed,
2865 When he tried to get screwed
2866 He found virgins just don't give a fuck.
2868 There was a young fellow named Goody
2869 Who claimed that he wouldn't, but would he?
2870 If he found himself nude
2871 With a gal in the mood
2872 The question's not woody but could he?
2874 There was a young fellow named Grant
2875 Who was made like the sensitive plant.
2876 When they asked "Do you fuck?"
2877 He replied, "No such luck.
2878 I would if I could, but I can't."
2880 There was a young fellow named Grimes
2881 Who fucked his girl seventeen times
2882 In the course of a week --
2883 And this isn't to speak
2884 Of assorted venereal crimes.
2886 There was a young fellow named Harry,
2887 Had a joint that was long, huge and scary.
2888 He grabbed him a virgin,
2889 Who, without any urgin',
2890 Immediately spread like a fairy.
2892 There was a young fellow named Hatch
2893 Who was fond of the music of Bach.
2894 He said: "It's not fussy
2895 Like Brahms and Debussy;
2896 Sit down, and I'll play you a snatch."
2898 There was a young fellow named Kimble
2899 Whose prick was exceedingly nimble,
2900 But fragile and slender,
2901 And dainty and tender,
2902 So he kept it encased in a thimble.
2904 There was a young fellow named Meek
2905 Who invented a lingual technique.
2906 It drove women frantic,
2907 And made them romantic,
2908 And wore all the hair off his cheek.
2910 There was a young fellow named Morgan
2911 Who possessed an unusual organ:
2912 The end of his dong,
2913 Which was nine inches long,
2914 Was tipped with the head of a gorgon.
2916 There was a young fellow named Paul
2917 Who confessed, "I have only one ball.
2918 But the size of my prick
2919 Is God's dirtiest trick,
2920 For my girls always ask, 'Is that all?'"
2922 There was a young fellow named Pell
2923 Who didn't like cunt very well.
2924 He would finger or fuck one,
2925 But never would suck one--
2926 He just couldn't get used to the smell.
2928 There was a young fellow named Price
2929 Who dabbled in all sorts of vice.
2930 He had virgins and boys
2931 And mechanical toys,
2932 And on Mondays... he meddled with mice!
2934 There was a young fellow named Prynne
2935 Whose prick was so short and so thin,
2936 His wife found she needed
2937 A Fuckoscope -- she did --
2938 To see if he'd gotten it in.
2940 There was a young fellow named Skinner
2941 Who took a young lady to dinner
2942 At a quarter to nine,
2943 They sat down to dine,
2944 At twenty to ten it was in her.
2945 The dinner, not Skinner -- Skinner was in her before dinner.
2947 There was a young fellow named Tupper
2948 Who took a young lady to supper.
2949 At a quarter to nine,
2950 They sat down to dine,
2951 And at twenty to ten it was up her.
2952 Not the supper -- not Tupper -- It was some son-of-a-bitch named Skinner!
2954 There was a young fellow named Sweeney,
2955 Whose girl was a terrible meanie,
2956 The hatch of her snatch,
2957 Had a catch that would latch,
2958 She could only be screwed by Houdini.
2960 There was a young fellow of Burma
2961 Whose betrothed had good reason to murmur.
2962 But now that he's married he's
2963 Been using cantharides
2964 And the root of their love is much firmer.
2966 There was a young fellow of Greenwich
2967 Whose balls were all covered with spinach.
2969 It was wound on a spool,
2970 And he reeled it out inich by inich.
2972 But this tale has an unhappy finich,
2973 For due to the sand in the spinach
2974 His ballocks grew rough
2975 And wrecked his wife's muff,
2976 And scratched up her thatch in the scrimmage.
2978 There was a young fellow of Harrow
2979 Whose john was the size of a marrow.
2980 He said to his tart,
2981 "How's this for a start?
2982 My balls are outside in a barrow."
2984 There was a young fellow of Kent
2985 Whose prick was so long that it bent,
2986 So to save himself trouble
2987 He put it in double,
2988 And instead of coming he went.
2990 There was a young fellow of Mayence
2991 Who fucked his own arse in defiance
2993 And morals, dad-bust him,
2994 But of most of the known laws of science.
2996 There was a young fellow of Perth
2997 Whose balls were the finest on earth.
2998 They grew to such size
2999 That one won a prize,
3000 And goodness knows what they were worth.
3002 There was a young fellow of Strensall
3003 Whose prick was as sharp as a pencil.
3004 On the night of his wedding
3005 It went through the bedding,
3006 And shattered the chamber utensil.
3008 There was a young fellow of Warwick
3009 Who had reason for feeling euphoric,
3010 For he could by election
3011 Have triune erection:
3012 Ionic, Corinthian, and Doric.
3014 There was a young fellow whose dong
3015 Was prodigiously massive and long.
3016 On each side of his whang
3018 That attracted a curious throng.
3020 There was a young gaucho named Bruno
3021 Who said, "Screwing is one thing I do know.
3023 And a sheep is divine,
3024 But a llama is Numero Uno."
3026 There was a young gaucho named Bruno
3027 Who said, "There is one thing I do know,
3029 And children devine,
3030 But the llama is numero uno."
3032 There was a young German named Ringer
3033 Who was screwing an opera singer.
3034 Said he with a grin,
3035 "Well, I've sure got it in!"
3036 Said she, "You mean that ain't your finger?"
3038 There was a young girl from Annista
3039 Who dated a lecherous mister.
3040 He fondled her titty,
3041 Got one finger shitty,
3042 Then screwed up his courage and kissed 'er.
3044 There was a young girl from Decatur
3045 Who was raped by an alligator.
3046 But no one quite knew
3047 How she relished that screw,
3048 For after he screwed her, he ate her.
3050 There was a young girl from Dundee,
3051 From her fanny there grew a plum tree.
3052 No one ate the nice fruit,
3053 To tell you the truth,
3054 Because they knew it came from her tooty-toot-toot.
3056 There was a young girl from East Lynn
3057 Whose mother ( to save her from sin )
3058 Had filled up her crack
3059 With hard-setting shellac,
3060 But the boys picked it out with a pin.
3062 There was a young girl from Hong Kong
3063 Who said, "You are utterly wrong
3065 Is the largest in China
3066 Just because of your mean little dong."
3068 There was a young girl from Hong Kong
3069 Whose cervical cap was a gong.
3070 She said with a yell,
3071 As a shot rang her bell,
3072 "I'll give you a ding for a dong!"
3074 There was a young girl from Medina
3075 Who could completely control her vagina.
3076 She could twist it around
3077 Like the cunts that are found
3078 In Japan, Manchukuo and China.
3080 There was a young girl from New York
3081 Who plugged up her cunt with a cork.
3083 Made the grade it is true,
3084 But it totally baffled the stork.
3086 Till along came a man who presented
3087 A tool that was strangely indented.
3088 With a dizzying twirl
3089 He punctured that girl,
3090 And thus was the cork-screw invented.
3092 There was a young girl from New York
3093 Who plugged up her quim with a cork
3095 Made the grade, it is true,
3096 But it totally baffled the stork.
3098 There was a young girl from Peru,
3099 Who had nothing whatever to do.
3100 So she sat on the stairs,
3101 And counted cunt hairs,
3102 Four thousand, three hundred and two.
3104 There was a young girl from Peru,
3105 Who noticed her lovers were few;
3106 So she walked out her door
3107 With a fig leaf, no more,
3108 And now she's in bed - with the flu.
3110 There was a young girl from Samoa
3111 Who pledged that no man would know her.
3112 One young fellow tried,
3113 But she wriggled aside,
3114 And he spilled all his spermatozoa.
3116 There was a young girl from Seattle,
3117 Whose hobby was sucking off cattle.
3118 But a bull from the South
3119 Shot a wad in her mouth
3120 That made both her ovaries rattle.
3122 There was a young girl from Siam
3123 Who said to her boyfriend Priam,
3124 "To seduce me, of course,
3125 You'll have to use force,
3126 And thank goodness you're stronger than I am.
3128 There was a young girl from St. Cyr
3129 Whose reflex reactions were queer.
3130 Her escort said, "Mable,
3131 Get up off the table;
3132 That money's to pay for the beer."
3134 There was a young girl from St. Paul
3135 Who went to a newspaper ball.
3136 Her dress caught on fire
3137 And burnt her entire
3138 Front page and sport section and all.
3140 There was a young girl from the Bronix
3141 Who had a vagina of onyx.
3142 She had so much `tsoris'
3144 She traded it in for a Packard.
3146 There was a young girl from the coast
3147 Who, just when she needed it most,
3148 Lost her Kotex and bled
3150 And the head and the beard of her host.
3152 There was a young girl in Berlin
3153 Who eked out a living through sin.
3154 She didn't mind fucking,
3155 But much preferred sucking,
3156 And she'd wipe off the pricks on her chin.
3158 There was a young girl in Berlin
3159 Who was fucked by an elderly Finn.
3160 Though he diddled his best,
3161 And fucked her with zest,
3162 She kept asking, "Hey, Pop, is it in?"
3164 There was a young girl in Dakota
3165 Had a letter from Ickes; he wrote her:
3167 We are rationing ass,
3168 And you've greatly exceeded your quota."
3170 There was a young girl name McKnight
3171 Who got drunk with her boy-friend one night.
3173 With a split maidenhead--
3174 That's the last time she ever was tight.
3176 There was a young girl named Ann Heuser
3177 Who swore that no man could surprise her.
3178 But Pabst took a chance,
3179 Found a Schlitz in her pants,
3180 And now she is sadder Budweiser.
3182 There was a young girl named Heather
3183 Whose twitcher was made out of leather.
3184 She made a queer noise,
3185 Which attracted the boys,
3186 By flapping the edges together.
3188 There was a young girl named McCall
3189 Whose cunt was exceedingly small,
3190 But the size of her anus
3191 Was something quite heinous --
3192 It could hold seven pricks and one ball.
3194 There was a young girl named O'Clare
3195 Whose body was covered with hair.
3196 It was really quite fun
3197 To probe with one's gun,
3198 For her quimmy might be anywhere.
3200 There was a young girl named O'Malley
3201 Who wanted to dance in the ballet.
3202 She got roars of applause
3203 When she kicked off her drawers,
3204 But her hair and her bush didn't tally.
3206 There was a young girl named Saphire
3207 Who succumbed to her lovers desire.
3208 She said, "It's a sin,
3209 But now that it's in,
3210 Could you shove it a few inches higher?"
3212 There was a young girl named Sapphire
3213 Who succumbed to her lover's desire.
3214 She said, "It's a sin,
3215 But now that it's in,
3216 Could you shove it a few inches higher?"
3218 There was a young girl of Aberystwyth
3219 Who screwed every man that she kissed with.
3220 She tickled the balls
3221 Of the men in the halls,
3222 And pulled on the prongs that they pissed with.
3224 There was a young girl of Aberystwyth
3225 Who took grain to the mill to get grist with.
3226 The miller's sun, Jack,
3227 Laid her flat on her back,
3228 And united the organs they pissed with.
3230 There was a young girl of Angina
3231 Who stretched catgut across her vagina.
3232 From the love-making frock
3233 (With the proper sized cock)
3234 Came Toccata and Fugue in D minor.
3236 There was a young girl of Asturias
3237 With a penchant for practices curious.
3238 She loved to bat rocks
3239 With her gentlemen's cocks --
3240 A practice both rude and injurious.
3242 There was a young girl of Batonger
3243 who diddled herself with a conger,
3244 When asked how it feels
3245 To be pleasured by eels
3246 She said, "Just like a man, only longer.
3248 There was a young girl of Cah'lina,
3249 Had a very capricious vagina:
3250 To the shock of the fucker
3251 "Twould suddenly pucker,
3252 And whistle the chorus of "Dinah."
3254 There was a young girl of Cape Cod
3255 Who dreamt she'd been buggered by God.
3256 But it wasn't Jehovah
3257 That turned the girl over,
3258 'Twas Roger the lodger, the dirty old codger,
3259 the bugger, the bastard, the sod!
3261 There was a young girl of Cape Town
3262 Who usually fucked with a clown.
3263 He taught her the trick
3264 Of sucking his prick,
3265 And when it went up -- she went down.
3267 There was a young girl of Coxsaxie
3268 Whose skirt was more mini than maxi.
3269 She was fucked at the show
3270 In the twenty-third row,
3271 And once more going home in the taxi.
3273 There was a young girl of Darjeeling
3274 Who could dance with such exquisite feeling
3275 There was never a sound
3277 Save of fly-buttons hitting the ceiling.
3279 There was a young girl of Des Moines
3280 Whose cunt could be fitted with coins,
3281 Till a guy from Hoboken
3282 Went and dropped in a token,
3283 And now she rides free on the ferry.
3285 There was a young girl of Detroit
3286 Who at fucking was very adroit:
3287 She could squeeze her vagina
3288 To a pin-point, or finer,
3289 Or open it out like a quoit.
3291 And she had a friend named Durand
3292 Whose cock could contract or expand.
3293 He could diddle a midge
3294 Or the arch of a bridge --
3295 Their performance together was grand!
3297 There was a young girl of East Lynne
3298 Whose mother, to save her from sin,
3299 Had filled up her crack,
3300 To the brim with shellac,
3301 But the boys picked it out with a pin.
3303 There was a young girl of Gibraltar
3304 Who was raped as she knelt at the altar.
3307 Should answer her prayers and assault her.
3309 There was a young girl of LLewellyn
3310 Whose breasts were as big as a melon.
3311 They were big it is true,
3312 But her cunt was big too,
3313 Like a bifocal, full-color, aerial view
3314 Of Cape Horn and the Straits of Magellan.
3316 There was a young girl of Mobile,
3317 Who hymen was made of chilled steel,
3318 To give her a thrill,
3319 Took a rotary drill,
3320 Or a number nine emery wheel.
3322 There was a young girl of Moline
3323 Whose fucking was sweet and obscene.
3324 She would work on a prick
3325 With every known trick,
3326 And finish by winking it clean.
3328 There was a young girl of Newcastle
3329 Whose charms were declared universal.
3330 While one man in front
3331 Wired into her cunt,
3332 Another was engaged at her arsehole.
3334 There was a young girl of Pawtucket
3335 Whose box was as big as a bucket.
3336 Her boy-friend said, "Toots,
3337 I'll have to wear boots,
3338 For I see I must muck it, not fuck it."
3340 There was a young girl of Penzance
3341 Who boarded a bus in a trance.
3342 The passengers fucked her,
3343 Likewise the conductor,
3344 While the driver shot off in his pants.
3346 There was a young girl of Pitlochry
3347 Who was had by a man in a rockery.
3348 She said, "Oh! You've come
3350 This isn't a fuck -- it's a mockery."
3352 There was a young girl of Rangoon
3353 Who was blocked by the Man in the Moon.
3354 "Well, it has been great fun,"
3355 She remarked when he'd done,
3356 "But I'm sorry you came quite so soon."
3358 There was a young girl of Spitzbergen,
3359 Whose people all thought her a virgin,
3360 Till they found her in bed
3361 With her twat very red,
3362 And the head of a kid just emergin'.
3364 There was a young girl, very sweet,
3365 Who thought sailors' meat quite a treat.
3366 When she sat on their lap
3367 She unbuttoned their flap,
3368 And always had plenty to eat.
3370 There was a young girl who begat
3371 Three babies named Nat, Pat and Tat.
3372 T'was fun in the breeding
3373 But hell in the feeding
3374 When she found there's no tit for Tat.
3376 There was a young girl who begat
3377 Three brats, by name Nat, Pat, and Tat.
3378 It was fun in the breeding,
3379 But hell in the feeding,
3380 When she found there was no tit for Tat.
3382 There was a young harlot from Kew
3383 Who filled her vagina with glue.
3384 She said with a grin,
3385 "If they pay to get in,
3386 They'll pay to get out of it too."
3388 There was a young harlot named Schwartz
3389 Whose cock-pit was studded with warts,
3390 And they tickled so nice
3391 She drew a high price
3392 From the studs at the summer resorts.
3394 Her pimp, a young fellow named Biddle,
3395 Was seldom hard up for a diddle,
3396 For according to rumor
3397 His tool had a tumor
3398 And a fine row of warts down the middle.
3400 There was a young hayseed from Tiffan
3401 Whose cock would constantly stiffen.
3402 The knob out in front
3404 Which he greatly delighted in sniffin'.
3406 There was a young idler named Blood,
3407 Made a fortune performing at stud,
3408 With a fifteen-inch peter,
3409 A double-beat metre,
3410 And a load like the Biblical Flood.
3412 There was a young Jew of Far Rockaway
3413 Whose screams could be heard for a block away.
3414 Perceiving his error,
3416 Cried, "God! I have cut his whole cock away!"
3418 There was a young lad - name of Durcan
3419 Who was always jerkin' his gherkin.
3420 His father said, "Durcan
3421 Stop jerkin' your gherkin
3422 Your gherkin's for ferkin', not jerkin'.
3424 There was a young lad from Nahant
3425 Who was made like the Sensitve Plant.
3426 When asked, "Do you fuck?"
3427 He replied, "No such luck.
3428 I would if I could but I can't."
3430 There was a young lad from Siam,
3431 Whose sexlife was caught in a jam.
3432 He loved them real small,
3433 'Cause they're funner to ball,
3434 So he went out and bought him a lamb!
3436 There was a young lad name of Durcan
3437 Who was always jerkin' his gherkin.
3438 His father said, "Durcan!
3439 Stop jerkin' your gherkin!
3440 Your gherkin's for ferkin', not jerkin'.
3442 There was a young lad name of Ward
3443 Who strung himself up with a cord
3444 Said he, of his work
3445 (Ere the rope snapped with a jerk)
3446 "I am leaving because I am bored."
3449 There was a young lad named McFee
3450 Who was stung in the balls by a bee
3451 He made oodles of money
3452 By oozing pure honey
3453 Every time he attempted to pee.
3455 There was a young lady at sea
3456 Who complained that it hurt her to pee.
3457 Said the brawny old mate,
3458 "That accounts for the state
3459 Of the cook and the captain and me."
3461 There was a young lady at sea
3462 Who said, "God, how it hurts me to pee."
3463 "I see," said the mate,
3464 "That accounts for the state
3465 Of the captain, the purser, and me."
3467 There was a young lady called Ciss
3468 Who went to the river to piss.
3469 A young man in a punt
3470 Put his hand on her cunt;
3471 No wonder she thought it was bliss.
3473 There was a young lady from Bangor
3474 Who slept while the ship lay at anchor
3476 When she heard the mate say:
3477 "Let's lift up the topsheet and spanker!"
3479 There was a young lady from Bright,
3480 Whose speed was much faster than light.
3481 She went out one day
3483 And returned on the previous night.
3485 There was a young lady from Bristol
3486 Who went to the Palace called Crystal.
3487 Said she, "It's all glass,
3488 And as round as my ass,"
3489 And she farted as loud as a pistol.
3491 There was a young lady from Brussels
3492 Who was proud of her vaginal muscles.
3493 She could easily plex them
3494 And so interflex them
3495 As to whistle love songs through her bustles.
3497 There was a young lady from Drew
3498 Who ended her verse at line two.
3500 There was a young lady from Dumfries
3501 Who said to her boyfriend, "It's some freeze!
3502 My navel's all bare,
3503 So stick it in there,
3504 Before both my legs and my bum freeze."
3506 There was a young lady from Exeter,
3507 So pretty that men craned their necks at her.
3508 One was even so brave
3509 As to take out and wave
3510 The distinguishing mark of his sex at her.
3512 There was a young lady from Hyde
3513 Who ate a green apple and died.
3514 While her lover lamented
3516 And made cider inside her inside.
3518 There was a young lady from Maine
3519 Who claimed she had men on her brain.
3520 But you knew from the view,
3521 As her abdomen grew,
3522 It was not on her brain that he'd lain.
3524 There was a young lady from Munich
3525 Who had an affair with a eunuch.
3526 At the height of their passion
3527 He dealt her a ration
3529 There was a young lady from Munich
3530 Who had an affair with a eunuch.
3531 At the height of their passion
3532 He dealt her a ration
3533 From a squirt gun concealed in his tunic.
3535 There was a young lady from Norway
3536 Who hung by her heels in a doorway.
3537 She told her young man,
3539 I think I've discovered one more way "
3541 There was a young lady from Prentice
3542 Who had an affair with a dentist.
3543 To make things easier
3545 And diddled her, `non compos mentis'.
3547 There was a young lady from Rheims
3548 Who amazingly pissed in four streams.
3549 A friend poked around
3550 And a fly-button found
3551 Lodged tight in her hole so it seems.
3553 There was a young lady from Rio
3554 Who slept with the Fornier trio.
3555 As she dropped her panties
3556 She said, "No andanties
3557 I want this allegro con brio."
3559 There was a young lady from Siam
3560 Who said to her lover, one Kiam,
3561 "You may kiss me of course,
3562 But you'll have to use force.
3563 Though god knows you're stronger than I am."
3565 There was a young lady from Spain
3566 Who demurely undressed on a train.
3567 A helpful young porter
3568 Helped more than he orter,
3569 And she promptly cried "Help me again"
3571 There was a young lady from Spain
3572 Who got sick as she rode on a train;
3573 Not once, but again,
3574 And again, and again,
3575 And again, and again, and again.
3577 There was a young lady from Spain
3578 Whose face was exceedingly plain,
3579 But her cunt had a pucker
3580 That made the men fuck her,
3581 Again, and again, and again.
3583 There was a young lady from Troy
3584 Had a moustache, just like a young boy
3585 Though it tickled to kiss
3586 'Twas a source of much bliss
3587 When she used it to brush a man's toy.
3589 There was a young lady from Wheeling
3590 Who claimed to lack sexual feeling.
3591 But a cynic named Boris
3592 Just touched her clitoris
3593 And she had to be scraped off the ceiling.
3595 There was a young lady from Wheeling
3596 Who had a peculiar feeling.
3597 She laid on her back
3598 And tickled her crack
3599 And pissed all over the ceiling.
3601 There was a young lady from Wooster
3602 Who complained that too many men gooster.
3603 So she traded her scanties
3604 For sandpaper panties,
3605 Now they goose her much less than they used 'ter.
3607 There was a young lady in Reno,
3608 Who lost all her dough playing Keno.
3609 But she lay on her back,
3610 And opened her crack,
3611 So now she owns the Casino!
3613 There was a young lady named Alice
3614 Who was known to have peed in a chalice.
3615 'Twas the common belief
3616 It was done for relief,
3617 And not out of protestant malice.
3619 There was a young lady named Astor
3620 Who never let any get past her.
3621 She finally got plenty
3623 Which certainly ought to last her.
3625 There was a young lady named Banker,
3626 Who slept while the ship lay at anchor,
3628 When she heard the mate say,
3629 "Now hoist up the topsheet and spanker."
3631 There was a young lady named Blount
3632 Who had a rectangular cunt.
3633 She learned for diversion
3634 Posterior perversion,
3635 Since no one could fit here in front.
3637 There was a young lady named Bower
3638 Who dwelt in an Ivory Tower.
3639 But a poet from Perth
3640 Laid her flat on the earth,
3641 And proceeded with penis to plough her.
3643 There was a young lady named Brent
3644 With a cunt of enormous extent,
3645 And so deep and so wide,
3646 The acoustics inside
3647 Were so good you could hear when you spent.
3649 There was a young lady named Bright
3650 Who could travel much faster than light.
3651 She took off one day,
3653 And returned on the previous night.
3655 There was a young lady named Brook
3656 Who never could learn how to cook.
3658 She could please any man-
3659 She knew every darn trick in the book!
3661 There was a young lady named Cager
3662 Who, as the result of a wager,
3664 The entire oboe part
3665 Of Mozart's quartet in F major.
3667 There was a young lady named Ciss
3668 Who said, "I think skating's a bliss "
3669 But she'll never restate,
3670 For a wheel off her skate
3671 .siht ekil gnihtemos pu hsinif reh edaM
3673 There was a young lady named Clair
3674 Who possessed a magnificent pair;
3675 At least so I thought
3676 Till I saw one get caught
3677 On a thorn, and begin losing air.
3679 There was a young lady named Dot
3680 Whose cunt was so terribly hot
3681 That ten bishops of Rome
3682 And the Pope's private gnome
3683 Failed to quench her Vesuvial twat.
3685 There was a young lady named Duff
3686 With a lovely, luxuriant muff.
3687 In his haste to get in her
3689 Lost both of his balls in the rough.
3691 There was a young lady named Etta
3692 Who was constantly seen in a swetta.
3693 Three reasons she had:
3694 To keep warm wasn't bad,
3695 But the other two reasons were betta.
3697 There was a young lady named Fleager
3698 Who was terribly, terribly eager
3700 On the tragedy stage,
3701 Though her talents were pitifully meagre.
3704 There was a young lady named Flo
3705 Whose lover had pulled out too slow.
3706 So they tried it all night,
3707 Till he got it just right...
3708 Well, practice makes pregnant, you know.
3710 There was a young lady named Flynn
3711 Who thought fornication a sin,
3712 But when she was tight
3713 It seemed quite all right,
3714 So everyone filled her with gin.
3716 There was a young lady named Gilda
3717 Who went on a date with a builder.
3718 He said that he would,
3719 And he could and he should,
3720 And he did and it damn well near killed her.
3722 There was a young lady named Gloria
3723 Who was had by Sir Gerald Du Maurier,
3724 And then by six men,
3726 And the band at the Waldorf-Astoria.
3728 There was a young lady named Gloria,
3729 Whose boyfriend said, "May I explore ya?"
3730 She replied to the chap,
3731 "I'll draw you a map,
3732 Of where others have been to before ya."
3734 There was a young lady named Grace
3735 Who would not take a prick in her "place."
3736 Though she'd kiss it and suck it,
3737 She never would fuck it--
3738 She just couldn't relax face-to-face.
3740 There was a young lady named Hall,
3741 Wore a newspaper dress to a ball.
3742 The dress caught on fire
3743 And burned her entire
3744 Front page, sporting section, and all.
3746 There was a young lady named Hatch
3747 Who would always come through in a scratch.
3748 If a guy wouldn't neck her,
3749 She'd grab up his pecker
3750 And shove the damn thing up her snatch.
3752 There was a young lady named Mable
3753 Who liked to sprawl out on the table,
3754 Then cry to her man,
3755 "Stuff in all you can --
3756 Get your ballocks in, too, if you're able."
3758 There was a young lady named Mandel
3759 Who caused quite a neighborhood scandal
3761 On the main village square
3762 And frigging herself with a candle.
3764 There was a young lady named Maud,
3765 A terrible society fraud:
3766 In company, I'm told,
3767 She was distant and cold,
3768 But if you got her alone, Oh God!
3770 There was a young lady named May
3771 Who strolled in a park by the way,
3772 And she met a youg man
3773 Who fucked her and ran --
3774 Now she goes to the park every day.
3776 There was a young lady named Nance
3777 Who learned about fucking in France,
3778 And when you'd insert it
3779 She'd squeeze till she hurt it,
3780 And shoved it right back in your pants.
3782 There was a young lady named Nelly
3783 Whose tits would jiggle like jelly.
3784 They could tickle her twat
3785 Or be tied in a knot,
3786 And could even swat flies on her belly.
3788 There was a young lady named Ransom
3789 Who was raped three times in a hansom
3790 When she cried out for more
3791 Said a voice from the floor,
3792 "My name, ma'am, is Simpson, not Samson
3794 There was a young lady named Ransom
3795 Who was rogered three times in a hansom.
3796 When she cried out for more
3797 A voice from the floor
3798 Replied, "My name is Simpson, not Samson."
3800 There was a young lady named Riddle
3801 Who had an untouchable middle.
3802 She had many friends
3803 Because of her ends,
3804 Since it isn't the middle you diddle.
3806 There was a young lady named Rose
3807 Who fainted whenever she chose;
3809 While playing croquet,
3810 But was quickly revived with a hose.
3813 There was a young lady named Rose
3814 With erogenous zones in her toes.
3815 She remained onanistic
3816 Till a foot-fetishistic
3817 Young man became one of her beaux.
3819 There was a young lady named Schneider
3820 Who often kept trysts with a spider.
3821 She found a strange bliss,
3822 In the hiss of her piss,
3823 As it strained through the cobwebs inside her.
3825 There was a young lady named Smith
3826 Whose virtue was largely a myth.
3827 She said, "Try as I can
3829 Who it's fun to be virtuous with."
3831 There was a young lady named Twiss
3832 Who said she thought fucking a bliss,
3833 For it tickled her bum
3834 And caused her to come
3835 .siht ekil gniyl ylbatrofmoc elihW
3837 There was a young lady named Wylde
3838 Who kept herself quite undefiled
3839 By thinking of Jesus;
3840 Contagious diseases;
3841 And the bother of having a child.
3843 There was a young lady of Arden,
3844 The tool of whose swain wouldn't harden.
3845 Said she with a frown,
3846 "I've been sadly let down
3847 By the tool of a fool in a garden."
3849 There was a young lady of Bicester
3850 Who was nicer by far than her sister:
3851 The sister would giggle
3852 And wiggle and jiggle,
3853 But this one would come if you kissed her.
3855 There was a young lady of Brabant
3856 Who slept with an impotent savant.
3857 She admitted, "We shouldn't,
3858 But it turned out he couldn't-
3859 So you can't say we have when we haven't."
3861 There was a young lady of Bude
3862 Who walked down the street in the nude.
3863 A bobby said, "Whattum
3864 Magnificent bottom!"
3865 And slapped it as hard as he could.
3867 There was a young lady of Carmia
3868 Whose housekeeping ways would alarm ya.
3870 She would climb in your lab,
3871 So her little base burner could warm ya.
3873 There was a young lady of Dee
3874 Who went down to the river to pee.
3876 Put his hand on her cunt,
3877 And God! how I wish it were me.
3879 There was a young lady of Dee
3880 Whose hymen was split into three.
3881 And when she was diddled
3882 The middle string fiddled :
3883 "Nearer My God To Thee."
3885 There was a young lady of Dexter
3886 Whose husband exceedingly vexed her,
3887 For whenever they'd start
3888 He'd unfailingly fart
3889 With a blast that damn nearly unsexed her.
3891 There was a young lady of Dover
3892 Whose passion was such that it drove her
3893 To cry, when you came,
3894 "Oh dear! What a shame!
3895 Well, now we shall have to start over."
3897 There was a young lady of Ealing
3898 And her lover before her was kneeling.
3899 Said she, "Dearest Jim,
3900 Take your hands off my quim;
3901 I much prefer fucking to feeling."
3903 There was a young lady of fashion
3904 Who had oodles and oodles of passion.
3905 To her lover she said,
3906 As they climbed into bed,
3907 "Here's one thing the bastards can't ration!"
3909 There was a young lady of Fez
3910 Who was known to the public as "Jez."
3911 Jezebel was her name,
3912 Sucking cocks was the game
3913 She excelled at (so everyone says).
3915 There was a young lady of Gaza
3916 Who shaved her cunt bare with a razor.
3917 The crabs, in a lump,
3918 Made tracks to her rump -
3919 This passing parade did amaze her.
3921 There was a young lady of Gaza
3922 Who shaved her cunt bare with a razor.
3923 The crabs, in a lump,
3924 Made tracks to her rump -
3925 This passing parade did amaze her.
3927 There was a young lady of Gaza
3928 Who shaved her cunt bare with a razor.
3929 The crabs, in a lump,
3930 Made tracks to her rump--
3931 This passing parade did amaze her.
3933 There was a young lady of Gloucester,
3934 Met a passionate fellow who tossed her.
3935 She wasn't much hurt,
3936 But he dirtied her skirt,
3937 So think of the anguish it cost her.
3939 There was a young lady of Gloucester
3940 Whose friends they thought they had lost her
3941 Till they found on the grass
3942 The marks of her arse,
3943 And the knees of the man who had crossed her.
3945 There was a young lady of Kent,
3946 Who admitted she knew what it meant
3947 When men asked her to dine,
3948 And plied her with wine,
3949 She knew, oh she knew -- but she went!
3951 There was a young lady of Lee
3952 Who scrambled up into a tree,
3954 Her arsehole was bare,
3955 And so was her C U N T.
3957 There was a young lady of Lincoln
3958 Who said that her cunt was a pink'un,
3959 So she had a prick lent her
3960 Which turned it magenta,
3961 This artful old lady of Lincoln.
3963 There was a young lady of Natchez
3964 Who chanced to be born with two snatches,
3965 And she often said, "Shit!
3966 Why, I'd give either tit
3967 For a man with equipment that matches."
3969 There was a young fellow named Locke
3970 Who was born with a two-headed cock.
3971 When he'd fondle the thing
3972 It would rise up and sing
3973 An antiphonal chorus by Bach.
3975 But whether these two ever met
3976 Has not been recorded as yet,
3977 Still, it would be diverting
3978 To see him inserting
3979 His whang while it sang a duet.
3981 There was a young lady of Norway
3982 Who hung by her toes in a doorway.
3983 She said to her beau
3984 "Just look at me Joe
3985 I think I've discovered one more way."
3987 There was a young lady of Rhyll
3988 In an omnibus was taken ill,
3989 So she called the conductor,
3990 Who got in and fucked her,
3991 Which did more good than a pill.
3993 There was a young lady of Spain
3994 Who took down her pants on a train.
3995 There was a young porter
3996 Saw more than he orter,
3997 And asked her to do it again.
3999 There was a young lady of Spain
4000 Who was fucked by a monk in a drain.
4002 And again and again,
4003 And again and again and again.
4005 There was a young lady of Twickenham
4006 Who thought men had not enough prick in 'em.
4007 On her knees every day
4008 To God she would pray
4009 To lengthen and strengthen and thicken 'em.
4011 There was a young lady of Wheeling
4012 Said to her beau, "I've a feeling
4014 Has need of a plug" --
4015 And straightaway she started to peeling.
4017 There was a young lady of Wheeling
4018 Who professed to lack sexual feeling.
4019 But a cynic named Boris
4020 Just touched her clitoris,
4021 And she had to be scraped off the ceiling.
4023 There was a young lady who said,
4024 As her bridegroom got into the bed,
4025 "I'm tired of this stunt,
4026 That they do with one's cunt,
4027 You can get up my bottom instead."
4029 There was a young lady whose cunt
4030 Could accomodate a small punt.
4031 Her mother said, "Annie,
4032 It matches your fanny,
4033 Which never was that of a runt."
4035 There was a young lady whose thighs,
4036 When spread showed a slit of such size,
4037 And so deep and so wide,
4038 You could play cards inside,
4039 Much to her bridegroom's surprise.
4041 There was a young lass from Surat.
4042 The cheeks of her ass were so fat
4043 That they had to be parted
4044 Whenever she farted,
4045 And also whenever she shat.
4047 There was a young lass from Surat.
4048 The cheeks of her ass were so fat
4049 That they had to be parted
4050 Whenever she farted,
4051 And also whenever she shat.
4053 There was a young laundress named Wrangle
4054 Whose tits tilted up at an angle.
4055 "They may tickle my chin,"
4056 She said with a grin,
4057 "But at least they keep out of the mangle."
4059 There was a young maiden from Osset
4060 Whose quim was nine inches across it.
4061 Said a young man named Tong,
4062 With tool nine inches long,
4063 "I'll put bugger-in if I loss it."
4065 There was a young man from Bear Ridge
4066 Who had strange ideas about marriage.
4067 He fucked his wife's mother
4068 And sucked off her brother
4069 And ate up her sister's miscarriage.
4071 There was a young man from Bel-Aire
4072 Who was screwing his girl on the stair.
4073 But the banister broke
4074 So he doubled his stroke
4075 And finished her off in mid-air.
4077 There was a young man from Bengal
4078 Who claimed he had only one ball,
4079 But two little bitches
4080 Pulled down this man's breeches
4081 And proved he had nothing at all.
4083 There was a young man from Biloxi
4084 Whose bowels responded to Moxie.
4085 Drinking glass after glass,
4086 He would tune up his ass,
4087 Till he played like the band at the Roxy.
4089 There was a young man from Bombay
4090 Who fashioned a cunt out of clay
4091 But the heat of his prick
4092 Turned it into a brick
4093 And rubbed all his foreskin away.
4095 There was a young man from Boston
4096 Who rode around in an Austin.
4097 There was room for his ass
4098 And a gallon of gas,
4099 But his balls hung out and he lost 'em.
4101 There was a young man from Calcutta
4102 Who was heard in his beard to mutter,
4103 "If her Bartholin glands
4104 Don't respond to my hands,
4105 I'm afraid I shall have to use butter."
4107 There was a young man from Dallas
4108 Who had an exceptional phallus.
4109 He couldn't find room
4111 Without rubbing it first with Vitalis.
4113 There was a young man from Dundee
4114 Who buggered an ape in a tree.
4115 The results were quite horrid:
4116 All ass and no forehead,
4117 Three balls and a purple goatee.
4119 There was a young man from East Lizes
4120 Whose balls were of two different sizes
4122 It was no ball at all
4123 The other was large and won prizes.
4125 There was a young man from East Wubley
4126 Whose cock was bifurcated doubly.
4127 Each quadruplicate shaft
4128 Had two balls hanging aft,
4129 And the general effect was quite lovely.
4131 There was a young man from Hong Kong
4132 Who had a trifurcated prong:
4133 A small one for sucking,
4134 A large one for fucking,
4135 And a `boney' for beating a gong.
4137 There was a young man from Glengozzle
4138 Who found a remarkable fossil.
4140 And the wart on the end,
4141 'Twas the peter of Paul the Apostle.
4143 There was a young man from Jodhpur
4144 Who found he could easily cure
4147 Served up in a sauce of manure.
4149 There was a young man from Kent
4150 Whose tool was so long that it bent.
4151 To save himself trouble
4153 And instead of coming, he went.
4155 There was a young man from Lynn
4156 Whose cock was the size of a pin.
4157 Said his girl with a laugh
4158 As she felt his staff,
4159 "This won't be much of a sin."
4161 There was a young man from Maine
4162 Whose prick was as strong as a crane;
4163 It was almost as long,
4164 So he strolled with his dong
4165 Extended in sunshine and rain.
4167 There was a young man from Nantucket
4168 Whose cock was so long he could suck it.
4169 But he looked in the glass,
4170 And saw his own ass,
4171 And broke his neck trying to fuck it.
4173 There was a young man from Nantucket
4174 Whose cock was so long he could suck it.
4175 He said with a grin,
4176 While wiping his chin,
4177 "If my ear was a cunt, I could fuck it."
4179 There was a young man from New Haven
4180 Who had an affair with a raven.
4182 As he wiped off his chin,
4185 There was a young man from Peru,
4186 Who took a long trip by canoe.
4187 While staring at Venus,
4188 And rubbing his penis,
4189 He wound up with a handful of goo.
4191 There was a young man from Purdue
4192 Who was only just learning to screw,
4193 But he hadn't the knack,
4194 And he got too far back --
4195 In the right church, but in the wrong pew.
4197 There was a young man from Racine
4198 Who invented a fucking machine.
4200 It served either sex,
4201 But oh what a bitch to keep clean.
4203 There was a young man from Rangoon
4204 Who used to lament 'neath the moon
4205 That he had the luck
4206 To be born of a fuck
4207 That was scraped off the sheets with a spoon.
4209 There was a young man from Salinas
4210 Who had an extremely long penis:
4212 When he lay on his cot
4213 It reached from Marin to Martinez.
4215 There was a young man from Seattle
4216 Whose testicles tended to rattle.
4217 He said as he fuck-ed
4218 Some stones in a bucket,
4219 "If Stravinsky won't deafen you -- that'll."
4221 There was a young man from Siam
4222 Who said, "I go in with a wham,
4223 But I soon lose my starch
4224 Like the mad month of March,
4225 And the lion comes out like a lamb."
4227 There was a young man from St. Paul's
4228 Who read "Harper's Bazaar" and "McCall's"
4229 Till he grew such a passion
4230 For feminine fashion
4231 That he knitted a snood for his balls.
4233 There was a young man from Stamboul
4234 Who boasted so torrid a tool
4235 That each female crater
4236 Explored by this satyr
4237 Seemed almost unpleasantly cool.
4239 There was a young man from Tibet-
4240 And this is the strangest one yet-
4241 Whose tool was so long,
4242 So pointed and strong,
4243 He could bugger six Greeks "en brochette".
4245 There was a young man in Havana,
4246 Banged his girl on a player-piana.
4247 At the height of their fever
4248 Her ass hit the lever
4249 And: yes, he has no banana.
4251 There was a young man in Norway,
4252 Tried to jerk himself off in a sleigh,
4253 But the air was so frigid
4254 It froze his cock rigid,
4255 And all he could come was frappe.
4257 There was a young man in the choir
4258 Whose penis rose higher and higher,
4259 Till it reached such a height
4260 It was quite out of sight --
4261 But of course you know I'm a liar.
4263 There was a young man, name of Fred,
4264 Who spent every Thursday in bed;
4265 He lay with his feet
4266 Outside of the sheet,
4267 And the pillows on top of his head.
4270 There was a young man, name of Saul,
4271 Who was able to bounce either ball,
4272 He could stretch them and snap them,
4273 And juggle and clap them,
4274 Which earned him the plaudits of all.
4276 There was a young man named Crockett
4277 Whose balls got caught in a socket.
4278 His wife was a bitch
4279 So she threw the switch,
4280 And Crockett went off like a rocket.
4282 There was a young man named Crockett
4283 Whose balls got caught in a socket.
4284 His wife was a bitch,
4285 Yeah, she threw the switch,
4286 And Crockett went off like a rocket.
4288 There was a young man named Hughes
4289 Who swore off all kinds of booze.
4290 He said, "When I'm muddled
4291 My senses get fuddled,
4292 And I pass up too many screws."
4294 There was a young man named Knute
4295 Who had warts all over his root.
4296 He put acid on these
4297 And now when he pees,
4298 He fingers the thing like a flute.
4300 There was a young man named Laplace
4301 Whose balls were made out of spun glass.
4302 When they banged together
4303 They played "Stormy Weather"
4304 And lightning shot out of his ass.
4306 There was a young man named McNamiter
4307 With a tool of prodigious diameter.
4308 But it wasn't the size
4309 Gave the girls a surprise,
4310 But his rythm -- iambic pentameter.
4312 There was a young man named Rex
4313 Who really was small for his sex.
4314 When tried for exposure
4315 The judge's disclosure
4316 Was "de minimus non curat lex."
4318 There was a young man named Zerubbabel
4319 Who had only one real, and one rubber ball.
4320 When they asked if his pleasure
4321 Was only half measure,
4322 He replied, "That is highly improbable."
4324 There was a young man named Zerubbabub
4325 Who belonged to the Block, Fuck & Bugger Club
4326 But the pride of his life
4327 Were the tits of his wife --
4328 One real, and one India-rubber bub.
4330 There was a young man of Arras
4331 Who stretched himself out on the grass,
4332 And with no little trouble,
4333 He bent himself double,
4334 And stuck his prick well up his ass.
4336 There was a young man of Australia
4337 Who went on a wild bacchanalia.
4340 And a bishop in fullest regalia.
4342 There was a young man of Belgrade
4343 Who remarked, "I'm a queer piece of trade.
4344 I will suck, without charge,
4345 Any cock, if it's large.
4346 If it's small, I expect to be paid."
4348 There was a young man of Belgrade
4349 Who slept with a girl in the trade.
4350 She said to him, "Jack,
4351 Try the hole in the back;
4352 The front one is badly decayed."
4354 There was a young man of Bengal
4355 Who swore he had only one ball,
4356 But two little bitches
4357 Unbuttoned his britches,
4358 And found he had no balls at all.
4360 There was a young man of Bombay
4361 Who buggered his dad once a day.
4362 He said, "I like, rather,
4363 Fucking my father --
4364 He's clean, and there's nothing to pay."
4366 There was a young man of Calcutta,
4367 Who tried to write "cunt" on a shutter.
4370 Knocked him ass-over-head in the gutter.
4372 There was a young man of Cape Horn
4373 Who wished he had never been born,
4374 And he wouldn't have been
4375 If his father had seen
4376 That the end of the rubber was torn.
4378 There was a young man of Coblenz
4379 Whose ballocks were simply immense:
4380 It took forty-four draymen,
4381 A priest and three laymen
4382 To carry them thither and thence.
4384 There was a young man of Darjeeling
4385 Whose cock reached up to the ceiling.
4386 In the electric light socket,
4387 He'd put it and rock it--
4388 Oh God! What a wonderful feeling!
4390 There was a young man of Devizes
4391 Whose balls were of different sizes.
4392 His tool when at ease,
4393 Hung down to his knees,
4394 Oh, what must it be when it rises!
4396 There was a young man of Devizes,
4397 Whose balls were of different sizes.
4399 It was nothing at all;
4400 The other took numerous prizes.
4402 There was a young man of Dumfries
4403 Who said to his girl, "If you please,
4404 It would give me great bliss
4405 If, while playing with this,
4406 You would pay some attention to these!"
4408 There was a young man of Greenwich
4409 Whose balls were all covered with spinach.
4410 So long was his tool
4411 That it wound round a spool,
4412 And he let it out inach by inach.
4414 There was a young man of high station
4415 Who was found by a pious relation
4416 Making love in a ditch
4417 To -- I won't say a bitch --
4418 But a woman of no reputation.
4420 There was a young man of Khartoum,
4421 The strength of whose balls was his doom.
4422 So strong was his shootin',
4423 The third law of Newton
4424 Propelled the poor chap to the Moon.
4426 There was a young man of Khartoum
4427 Who lured a poor girl to her doom.
4428 He not only fucked her,
4429 But buggered and sucked her--
4430 And left her to pay for the room.
4432 There was a young man of Kildare
4433 Who was fucking a girl on the stair.
4434 The bannister broke,
4435 But he doubled his stroke
4436 And finished her off in mid-air.
4438 There was a young man of Kutki
4439 Who could blink himself off with one eye.
4440 For a while though, he pined,
4441 When his organ declined
4442 To function, because of a stye.
4444 There was a young man of Lahore
4445 Whose prick was one inch and no more.
4446 It was all right for key-holes
4447 And little girl's pee-holes,
4448 But not worth a damn with a whore.
4450 There was a young man of Lake Placid
4451 Whose prick was lethargic and flaccid.
4452 When he wanted to sport
4453 He would have to resort
4454 To injections of sulphuric acid.
4456 There was a young man of Madras
4457 Whose balls were constructed of brass.
4458 When jangled together
4459 They played "Stormy Weather",
4460 And lightning shot out of his ass.
4462 There was a young man of Missouri
4463 Who fucked with a terrible fury.
4464 Till hauled into court
4465 For his beastial sport,
4466 And condemned by a poorly-hung jury.
4468 There was a young man of Natal
4469 And Sue was the name of his gal.
4470 One day, north of Aden,
4471 He got his hard rod in,
4472 And came clear up Suez Canal.
4474 There was a young man of Natal
4475 Who was fucking a Hottentot gal.
4476 Said she, "You're a sluggard!"
4477 Said he, "You be buggered!
4478 I like to fuck slow and I shall."
4480 There was a young man of Ostend
4481 Who let a girl play with his end.
4482 She took hold of Rover,
4483 And felt it all over,
4484 And it did what she didn't intend.
4486 There was a young man of Ostend
4487 Whose wife caught him fucking her friend.
4488 "It's no use, my duck,
4489 Interrupting our fuck,
4490 For I'm damned if I draw till I spend."
4492 There was a young man of Saskatchewan,
4493 Whose penis was truly gargantuan.
4494 It was good for large whores,
4495 And for small dinosaurs,
4496 And was rough enough to scratch a match upon.
4498 There was a young man of Seattle
4499 Who bested a bull in a battle.
4500 With fire and gumption
4501 He assumed the bull's function,
4502 And deflowered a whole herd of cattle.
4504 There was a young man of St. John's
4505 Who wanted to bugger the swans.
4506 But the loyal hall porter
4507 Said, "Pray take my daughter!
4508 Those birds are reserved for the dons."
4510 There was a young man of Tibet
4511 -- And this is the strangest one yet --
4512 His prick was so long,
4513 And so pointed and strong,
4514 He could bugger six sheep en brochette.
4516 There was a young man of Toulouse
4517 Who had a deficient prepuce,
4518 But the foreskin he lacked
4519 He made up in his sac;
4520 The result was, his balls were too loose.
4522 There was a young man who appeared
4523 To his friends with a full growth of beard;
4524 They at once said, "Although
4525 We can't say why it's so,
4526 The effect is uncommonly weird."
4529 There was a young man who said "God,
4530 I find it exceedingly odd,
4531 That the willow oak tree
4533 When there's no one about in the Quad."
4535 "Dear Sir, your astonishment's odd,
4536 For I'm always about in the Quad;
4537 And that's why the tree,
4539 Signed "Yours faithfully, God."
4541 There was a young man with a fiddle
4542 Who asked of his girl, "Do you diddle?"
4543 She replied, "Yes, I do,
4544 But prefer to with two --
4545 It's twice as much fun in the middle."
4547 There was a young man with a prick
4548 Which into his wife he would stick
4549 Every morning and night
4550 If it stood up all right --
4551 Not a very remarkable trick.
4553 His wife had a nice little cunt:
4554 It was hairy, and soft, and in front,
4555 And with this she would fuck him,
4556 Though sometimes she'd suck him --
4557 A charming, if commonplace, stunt.
4559 There was a young man with one foot
4560 Who had a very long root.
4563 Is a question exceedingly moot.
4565 There was a young miss from Johore
4566 Who'd lie on a mat on the floor;
4568 She'd wobble her fanny,
4569 And drain your nuts dry to the core.
4571 There was a young monk from Siberia
4572 Whose life got drearia' and drearia'
4573 Till he did to a nun
4574 What shouldn't be done
4575 And made her a mother superia'.
4577 There was a young monk from Tibet
4578 And this is the damnedest one yet
4579 His cock was so long
4580 And incredibly strong
4581 That he buggered six Greeks en brochette.
4583 There was a young monk in Siberia,
4584 Whose morals were very inferior,
4586 Which he shouldn't have done,
4587 And now she's a Mother Superior.
4589 There was a young monk of Dundee
4590 Who complained that it hurt him to pee,
4591 He said, "Pax vobiscum,
4592 Now why won't the piss come?
4593 I'm afraid I've the c-l-a-p."
4595 There was a young parson of Harwich,
4596 Tried to grind his betrothed in a carriage.
4597 She said, "No, you young goose,
4598 Just try self-abuse.
4599 And the other we'll try after marriage."
4601 There was a young peasant named Gorse
4602 Who fell madly in love with his horse.
4603 Said his wife, "You rapscallion,
4604 That horse is a stallion --
4605 This constitutes grounds for divorce."
4607 There was a young person of Kent
4608 Who was famous wherever he went.
4609 All the way through a fuck,
4610 He would quack like a duck,
4611 And he crowed like a cock when he spent.
4613 There was a young physicist named Fisk
4614 Whose lovemaking was rather brisk.
4615 So quick was his action,
4616 The Lorentz Contraction
4617 Shortened his rod to a disc !!
4619 There was a young plumber named Lee
4620 Who was plumbing his girl by the sea.
4621 She said, "Stop your plumbing,
4622 There's somebody coming"
4623 Said the plumber, still plumbing, "It's me."
4625 There was a young poet named Dan,
4626 Whose poetry never would scan.
4627 When told this was so,
4628 He said, "Yes, I know,
4629 It's because I try to put every possible syllable into that last line that I can."
4631 There was a young royal marine,
4632 Who tried to fart "God Save the Queen".
4633 When he reached the soprano
4635 And his britches weren't fit to be seen.
4637 There was a young sailor from Brighton,
4638 Who remarked to his girl, "You're a tight one."
4639 She replied, "'Pon my soul,
4640 You're in the wrong hole;
4641 There's plenty of room in the right one."
4643 There was a young sapphic named Anna
4644 Who stuffed her friend's cunt with banana,
4645 Which she sucked, bit by bit,
4646 From her partner's warm slit,
4647 In the most approved lesbian manner.
4649 There was a young Scot in Madrid
4650 Who got fifty-five fucks for a quid.
4651 When they said, "Are you faint?"
4652 He replied, "No, I ain't,
4653 But I don't feel as good as I did."
4655 There was a young soldier from Munich
4656 Whose penis hung down past his tunic,
4657 And their chops girls would lick
4658 When they thought of his prick,
4659 But alas! he was only a eunuch.
4661 There was a young sportsman named Peel
4662 Who went for a trip on his wheel;
4663 He pedalled for days
4664 Through crepuscular haze,
4665 And returned feeling somewhat unreal.
4668 There was a young squaw of Wohunt
4669 Who possessed a collapsible cunt.
4670 It had many odd uses,
4671 Produced no papooses,
4672 And fitted both giant and runt.
4674 There was a young student from Yale
4675 Who was getting his first piece of tail.
4676 He shoved in his pole,
4677 But in the wrong hole,
4678 And a voice from beneath yelled: "No sale!"
4680 There was a young trollop at Yale,
4681 Who had verses tattooed on her tail,
4683 For the sake of the blind,
4684 A duplicate version in Braille.
4686 There was a young whore from Kaloo
4687 Who filled her vagina with glue.
4688 She said with a grin,
4689 "If they pay to get in,
4690 They can pay to get out again too!"
4692 There was a young woman called Pearl
4693 Who quite resembled a churl;
4694 When she asked a young man named Tex
4695 Whether he would like to have sex,
4696 "Certainly," quoth he, "Who's the girl?"
4698 There was a young woman from Bude,
4699 Who went for a swim in the nude,
4700 But a man in a punt,
4701 Grabbed at her elbow,
4702 And said "Hey, lady, you can't swim here, it's private property."
4704 There was a young woman in Dee
4705 Who stayed with each man she did see.
4706 When it came to a test
4707 She wished to be best,
4708 And practice makes perfect, you see.
4710 There was a young woman named Alice
4711 Who peed in a Catholic chalice.
4712 She said, "I do this
4713 From a great need to piss,
4714 And not from sectarian malice."
4716 There was a young woman named Ells
4717 Who was subject to curious spells
4718 When got up very oddly,
4719 She'd cry out things ungodly
4720 by the palms in expensive hotels.
4723 There was a young woman named Florence
4724 Who for fucking professed an abhorrence,
4725 But they found her in bed
4726 With her cunt flaming red,
4727 And her poodle-dog spending in torrents.
4729 There was a young woman named Plunnery
4730 Who rejoiced in the practice of gunnery.
4731 Till one day unobservant,
4732 She blew up a servant,
4733 And was forced to retire to a nunnery.
4736 There was a young woman named Sutton
4737 Who said, as she carved up the mutton,
4738 "My father preferred
4739 The last sheep in the herd --
4740 This is one of his children I'm cuttin'."
4742 There was a young woman of Cheadle,
4743 Who once gave the clap to a beadle.
4744 Said she, "Does it itch?"
4745 "It does, you damned bitch,
4746 And it burns like hell-fire when I peedle."
4748 There was a young woman of Condover
4749 Whose husband had ceased to be fond of 'er.
4750 Her pussy was juicy,
4751 Her arse soft and goosey,
4752 But peroxide had now made a blonde of 'er.
4754 There was a young woman of Croft
4755 Who played with herself in a loft,
4756 Having reasoned that candles
4757 Could never cause scandals,
4758 Besides which they did not go soft.
4760 Said another young woman of Croft,
4761 Amusing herself in the loft,
4763 Is what I'd choose first --
4764 With bologna you know you've been boffed."
4766 There was a young woman, quite handsome,
4767 Who got stuck in a sleeping room transom.
4768 When she offered much gold
4769 For release, she was told
4770 That the view was worth more than the ransom.
4772 There was a young woman whose stammer
4773 Was atrocious, and so was her grammar;
4774 But they were not improved
4775 When her husband was moved
4776 To knock out her teeth with a hammer.
4779 There was an old abbess quite shocked
4780 To find nuns where the candles were locked.
4781 Said the abbess, "You nuns
4782 Should behave more like guns,
4783 And never go off till you're cocked."
4785 There was an old bishop from Buckingham
4786 Who fell in love with some oysters while shucking 'em.
4787 His wife with distain
4788 Could scarcely restrain
4789 That sprightly old bishop from * * *.
4791 There was an old count of Swoboda
4792 Who would not pay a whore what he owed her.
4793 So, with great savoir-faire,
4794 She stood on a chair
4795 And pissed in his whiskey-and-soda.
4797 There was an old curate of Hestion
4798 Who'd errect at the slightest suggestion.
4799 But so small was his tool
4800 He could scarce screw a spool,
4801 And a cunt was quite out of the question.
4803 There was an old fellow named Art
4804 Who awoke with a horrible start,
4805 For down by his rump
4807 Of what should have been just a fart.
4809 There was an old fellow named Skinner
4810 Whose prick, his wife said, had grown thinner.
4811 But still, by and large,
4812 It would always discharge
4813 Once he could just get it in her.
4815 There was an old feminine blighter
4816 Who trained a Chow dog to delight her.
4817 She would cream her own pool
4818 While she sucked off his tool --
4819 How his cock in her cunt would excite her!
4821 There was an old gent from Kentuck
4822 Who boasted a filigreed schmuck,
4824 For fear that one day
4825 He might put it in and get stuck.
4827 There was an old girl of Kilkenny
4828 Whose usual charge was a penny.
4829 For half of that sum
4830 You could finger her bum--
4831 A source of amusement to many.
4833 There was an old harlot from Dijon
4834 Who in her old age got religion.
4835 "When I'm dead & gone,"
4836 Said she, "I'll take on
4837 The Father, the Son, and the Pigeon."
4839 There was an old hermit named Dave
4840 Who kept a dead whore in his cave.
4842 I'm a bit of a shit,
4843 But look at the money I save."
4845 There was an old lady of Bingly
4846 Who wailed, "I do hate to sleep singly.
4848 A bloke for my twat,
4849 But he seems rather queenly than kingly."
4851 There was an old lady of Glascow,
4852 Whose party proved quite a fiasco.
4853 At nine-thirty, about,
4854 The lights all went out,
4855 Through a lapse on the part of the Gas Co.
4857 There was an old lady of Kewry
4858 Whose cunt was a `lusus naturae':
4859 The `introitus vaginae',
4860 Was unnaturally tiny,
4861 And the thought of it filled her with fury.
4863 There was an old lady who lay
4864 With her legs wide apart in the hay,
4865 Then, calling the ploughman,
4866 She said, "Do it now, man!
4867 Don't wait till your hair has turned gray."
4869 There was an old maid from Cape Cod
4870 Who thought all good things came from god.
4871 But it wasn't the almighty
4872 Who lifted her nighty,
4873 It was Roger, the lodger, by god.
4875 There was an old man from Bengal
4876 Who liked to do tricks in the hall.
4878 Was to stand on his dick
4879 While he rolled around on one ball.
4881 There was an old man from Duluth
4882 Whose cock was shot off in his youth.
4883 He fucked with his nose
4884 Or his fingers and toes
4885 And he came thru a hole in his tooth.
4887 There was an old man from Fort Drum
4888 Whose son was incredibly dumb.
4889 When he urged him ahead,
4890 He went down instead,
4891 For he thought to succeed meant succumb.
4893 There was an old man of Alsace
4894 Who played the trombone with his ass.
4896 To take out the crap,
4897 But the vapors corroded the brass.
4899 There was an old man of Brienz
4900 The length of whose cock was immense:
4901 With one swerve he could plug
4902 A boy's bottom in Zug,
4903 And a kitchen-maid's cunt in Coblenz.
4905 There was an old man of Cajon
4906 Who never could get a good bone.
4907 With the aid of a gland
4908 It grew simply grand;
4909 Now his wife cannot leave it alone.
4911 There was an old man of Calcutta
4912 Who spied through a chink in the shutter.
4913 But all he could see
4914 Was his wife's bare knee,
4915 And the back of the bloke who was up her.
4917 There was an old man of Connaught
4918 Whose prick was remarkably short.
4919 When he got into bed,
4921 "This isn't a prick, it's a wart."
4923 There was an old man of Duddee
4924 Who came home as drunk as could be.
4925 He wound up the clock
4926 With the end of his cock,
4927 And buggered his wife with the key.
4929 There was an old man of Duluth
4930 Whose cock was shot off in his youth.
4931 He fucked with his nose
4932 And with fingers and toes,
4933 And he came through a hole in his tooth.
4935 There was an old man of Hong Kong
4936 Who never did anything wrong.
4937 He would lie on his back
4938 With his head in a sack
4939 And secretly finger his dong.
4941 There was an old man of St. Bees,
4942 Who was stung in the arm by a wasp.
4943 When asked, "Does it hurt?"
4944 He relied, "No, it doesn't.
4945 I'm so glad that it wasn't a hornet."
4947 There was an old man of St. Bees,
4948 Who was stung in the arm by a wasp.
4949 When asked, "Does it hurt?"
4950 He relied, "No, it doesn't.
4951 I'm so glad that it wasn't a hornet."
4954 There was an old man of Tagore
4955 Whose tool was a yard long or more,
4956 So he wore the damn thing
4958 To keep it from wiping the floor.
4960 There was an Old Man of the Mountain
4961 Who frigged himself into a fountain
4962 Fifteen times had he spent,
4963 Still he wasn't content,
4964 He simply got tired of the counting.
4966 There was an old man of the port
4967 Whose prick was remarkably short.
4968 When he got into bed,
4970 "That isn't a prick; it's a wart!"
4972 There was an old man of the port
4973 Whose prick was remarkably short.
4974 When he got into bed,
4976 "This isn't a prick; it's a wart!"
4978 There was an old man of the port
4979 Whose prick was remarkably short.
4980 When he got into bed,
4982 "That isn't a prick; it's a wart!"
4984 There was an old man who said, "Tush!
4985 My balls always hang in the brush,
4987 Half in and half out,
4988 With a pecker as limber as mush."
4990 There was an old man with a beard
4991 Who said, "It is just what I feared!
4993 Four larks and a wren
4994 Have all built their nests in my beard!"
4996 There was an old person of Ware
4997 Who had an affair with a bear.
4998 He explained, "I don't mind,
4999 For it's gentle and kind,
5000 But I wish it had slightly less hair."
5002 There was an old pirate named Bates
5003 Who was learning to rhumba on skates
5004 He fell on his cutlass
5005 Which rendered him nutless
5006 And practically useless on dates.
5008 There was an old satyr named Mack
5009 Whose prick had a left handed tack.
5010 If the ladies he loves
5011 Don't spin when he shoves,
5012 Their cervixes frequently crack.
5014 There was an old Scot named McTavish
5015 Who attempted an anthropoid ravish.
5017 Was the wrong sex of ape,
5018 And the anthropoid ravished McTavish.
5020 There was an old whore from Silesia
5021 Who'd croke: "If my box doesn't please ya,
5022 For a slight extra sum
5023 You can go up my bum
5024 But watchout or my tapeworm'll seize ya."
5026 There was an old whore in the Azores
5027 Whose body was covered with festers & sores.
5028 Why the dogs in the street
5029 Wouldn't eat the green meat
5030 That hung in festoons from her drawers.
5032 There was an old woman of Ghent
5033 Who swore that her cunt had no scent.
5034 She got fucked so often
5035 At last she got rotten,
5036 And didn't she stink when she spent.
5038 There was once a mechanic named Bench
5039 Whose best tool was a sturdy gut-wrench.
5040 With this vibrant device
5041 He could reach, in a trice,
5042 The innermost parts of a wench.
5044 There was once a sad Maitre d'hotel
5045 Who said, "They can all go to hell!
5046 What they do to my wife--
5047 Why it ruins my life;
5048 And the worst is, they all do it well.
5050 There were three ladies of Huxham,
5051 And whenever we meets 'em we fucks 'em,
5052 And when that game grows stale
5054 And pulls out our pricks and they sucks 'em.
5056 There were three young ladies of Birmingham,
5057 And this is the scandal concerning 'em.
5058 They lifted the frock
5059 And tickled the cock
5060 Of the Bishop engaged in confirming 'em.
5062 Now, the Bishop was nobody's fool,
5063 He'd been to a good public school,
5064 So he took down their britches
5065 And buggered those bitches
5066 With his ten-inch episcopal tool.
5068 Then up spoke a lady from Kew,
5069 And said, as the Bishop withdrew,
5070 "The vicar is quicker
5071 And thicker and slicker,
5072 And longer and stronger than you."
5073 -- Abuses of the Clergy
5075 There's a charming young girl in Tobruk
5076 Who refers to her quiff as a nook.
5077 It's deep and it's wide,
5078 -- You can curl up inside
5079 With a nice easy chair and a book.
5081 There's a charming young lady named Beaulieu
5082 Who's often been screwed by yours truly,
5083 But now--it's appallin'--
5084 My balls always fall in!
5085 I fear that I've fucked her unduly.
5087 There's a dowager near Sweden Landing
5088 Whose manners are odd and demanding.
5089 It's one of her jests
5090 To suck off her guests --
5091 She hates to keep gentlemen standing.
5093 There's a lovely young lady named Shittlecock
5094 Who loves to play diddle and fiddle-cock,
5095 But her cunt's got a pucker
5096 That's best not to fuck, or
5097 When least you expect it to, it'll lock.
5099 There's a rather odd couple in Herts
5100 Who are cousins (or so each asserts);
5101 Their sex is in doubt
5102 For they're never without
5103 Their moustaches and long, trailing skirts.
5106 There's a sports-minded coed named Sue,
5107 Who's been coxing the varsity crew.
5108 In the shell Sue is great,
5109 But her boyfriend's irate,
5110 When she calls out the stroke as they screw.
5112 There's a tavern in London that's staffed,
5113 By a barmaid who's tops at her craft:
5114 In her striving to please,
5115 She serves ale on her knees,
5116 So the patrons get head with their draft.
5118 There's a very hot babe at the Aggies
5119 Who's to men what to bulls a red rag is.
5120 The seniors go round
5121 Hanging down to the ground,
5122 And one extra-large Soph has to drag his.
5124 There's a vicar who's classed as nefarious,
5125 Since his shocking perversions are various...
5126 He will bugger some lad
5127 With a dildo (the cad!)
5128 While exulting, "My pleasure's vicarious!"
5130 There's a young Yiddish slut with two cunts,
5131 Whose pleasure in life is to pruntz.
5132 When one pireg is shot,
5133 There's that alternate twat,
5134 But the ausgefuckt male merely grunts.
5136 There's an oversexed lady named Whyte
5137 Who insists on a dozen a night.
5138 A fellow named Cheddar
5139 Had the brashness to wed her-
5140 His chance of survival is slight.
5142 There's an unbroken babe from Toronto,
5143 Exceedingly hard to get onto,
5144 But when you get there,
5145 And have parted the hair,
5146 You can fuck her as much as you want to.
5148 They had come in the fugue to the stretto
5149 When a dark, bearded man from a ghetto
5150 Slipped forward and grabbed
5151 Her tresses and stabbed
5152 Her to death with a rusty stiletto.
5155 Though his plan, when he gave her a buzz,
5156 Was to do what man normally does,
5157 She declared, "I'm a Soul-
5159 So he shrugged and called someone who was.
5161 Though most of the crewmen are whites,
5162 Uhura has full equal rights.
5163 Her crewmates, you see,
5165 And the way that she fills out her tights.
5167 Though the invalid Saint of Brac
5168 Lay all of his life on his back,
5169 His wife got her share,
5170 And the pilgrims now stare
5171 At the scene, in his shrine, on a plaque.
5173 'Tis a custom in Castellamare
5174 To fuck in the back of a lorry.
5175 The chassis and springs
5176 Are like woodwinds and strings
5177 In the midst of a musical soiree.
5179 To a weepy young woman in Thrums
5180 Her betrothed remarked, "This is what comes
5181 Of allowing your tears
5182 To fall into my ears -
5183 I think they have rotted the drums."
5186 To bear offspring, Noah's snakes were unable.
5187 Their fertility was somewhat unstable.
5188 He constructed a bed
5189 Out of tree trunks and said,
5190 "Even adders can multiply on a log table."
5192 To his bride a young bridegroom said, "Pish!
5193 Your cunt is as big as a dish!"
5194 She replied, "Why, you fool,
5195 With your limp little tool
5196 It's like driving a nail with a fish!"
5198 To his bride said a numskull named Clarence :
5199 "I trust you will show some forbearance.
5201 I picked up from rabbits,
5202 And occasionally watching my parents."
5204 To his bride said economist Fife :
5205 "The semen you'll launch as my wife,
5206 We will salvage and freeze
5207 To resemble goat's cheese,
5208 And slice for hors d'oeuvres with a knife."
5210 To his bride said the keen-eyed detective,
5211 "Can it be that my eyesight's defective?
5212 Has the east tit the least bit
5213 The best of the west tit,
5214 Or is it the faulty perspective?"
5216 To his bride, said the sharp eyed detective,
5217 "Can it be that my eyesight's defective?
5218 Is your east tit the least bit
5219 The best of your west tit,
5220 Or is it a trick of perspective?"
5222 To his clubfooted child said Lord Stipple,
5223 As he poured his post-prandial tipple,
5224 "Your mother's behaviour
5225 Gave pain to Our Saviour,
5226 And that's why He made you a cripple."
5229 Two anglers were fishing off Wight
5230 And his bobber was dipping all night.
5231 Murmured she, with a laugh,
5232 "It's ready to gaff,
5233 But don't break your rod which is light."
5235 A couple was fishing near Clombe
5236 When the maid began looking quite glum,
5237 And said, "Bother the fish!
5239 Which they did -- which was why they had come.
5241 As two consular clerks in Madras
5242 Fished, hidden in deep shore-grass,
5243 "What a marvelous pole,"
5244 Said she, "but control
5245 Your sinkers -- they're banging my ass."
5247 Two eager young men from Cawnpore
5248 Once buggared and fucked the same whore.
5249 But her partition split
5250 And the blood and the shit
5251 Rolled out in a mess on the floor.
5253 Two roosters in one of our pens
5254 Found their pricks were no larger than wens.
5255 As they looked at their foreskins
5256 And wished they had more skins,
5257 They discovered they'd both become hens.
5259 Under the spreading chestnut tree
5260 The village smith he sat,
5263 And catching the load in his hat.
5265 Une joile epousetta a Tours
5266 Voulait de gig-gig tous le jours.
5267 Mais le mari disait, "Non!
5268 De trop n'est pas bon!
5269 Mon derriere exige du secours!"
5271 Visas erat: huic geminarum
5272 Dispar modus testicularum:
5275 Jam fecerat altera clarum.
5277 We dedicate this to the cunt,
5278 The kind the broad-minded guys hunt :
5279 All hail to the twat,
5280 Willing, thrilling, and hot,
5281 That wears peckers down, limp and blunt!
5283 When I was a baby, my penis
5284 Was as white as the buttocks of Venus.
5285 But now 'this as red
5286 As her nipples instead--
5287 All because of the feminie genus!
5289 When they asked a pert baggage name Alice,
5290 Who'd been bedded and banged in the palace,
5291 "Was he modest or vain?"
5292 "Was he regal or plain?"
5293 She replied, "He's a jolly good phallus!"
5295 When you fuck little Annie in Anza
5296 You get a great bossom bonanza:
5297 Sucking Annie's soft tits
5298 Makes her throw fifty fits,
5299 And the fuck is a sextravaganza!
5301 While his duchess lay practically dead,
5302 The Duke of Daguerrodargue said:
5303 "Can it be this is all?
5304 How puny! How small!
5305 Have destroyed this disgrace to my bed."
5308 While I, with my usual enthusiasm,
5309 Was exploring in Ermintrude's busiasm,
5310 She explained, "They are flat,
5311 But think nothing of that --
5312 You will find that my sweet sister Susiasm."
5314 While out on a date in his Fiat,
5315 The man exclaimed "Where's my key at?"
5316 As he bent down to seek,
5317 She let out a shriek:
5318 "That's not where it's likely to be at."
5320 While spending the winter at Pau
5321 Lady Pamela forgot to say "No."
5322 So the head-porter made her
5323 And the second-cook laid her;
5324 The waiters were all hanging low.
5326 While Titian was mixing rose madder,
5327 His model reclined on a ladder.
5328 Her position to Titian
5330 So he leapt up the ladder and had 'er.
5332 While travelling in farthest Tibet,
5333 Lord Irongate found cause to regret
5334 The buttered-up tea,
5336 And the frivolous tourists he met.
5339 Winter is here with his grouch,
5340 The time when you sneeze and you slouch.
5341 You can't take your women
5342 Canoein' or swimmin',
5343 But a lot can be done on a couch.
5345 With his penis in turgid erection,
5346 And aimed at woman's mid-section,
5347 Man looks most uncouth
5348 In that Moment of Truth,
5349 But she sheathes it with loving affection.
5351 You Women's Lib gals won't agree,
5352 But dependent on men you must be:
5354 With a rod firm and trim,
5355 To puggle your water-drains free!
5357 Young Frederick the great was a beaut.
5358 To a guard he cried, "Hey, man, you're cute.
5359 If you'll come to my palace,
5360 I'll finger your phallus,
5361 And then I shall blow on your flute."
5363 You've heard of the bishop of Birmingham,
5364 Well, here's the new story concerning 'im :
5365 He buggers the choir
5366 As they sing "Ave Maria,"
5367 And fucks all the girls whilst confirming 'em.