You should test your car's horn at least once every hour,
and more often at night or in residential neighborhoods.
%
- Pittsburgh Driver's Test
-
-(7) The car directly in front of you has a flashing right tail light
- but a steady left tail light. This means
-
- (a) one of the tail lights is broken; you should blow your horn
- to call the problem to the driver's attention.
- (b) the driver is signaling a right turn.
- (c) the driver is signaling a left turn.
- (d) the driver is from out of town.
-
-The correct answer is (d). Tail lights are used in some foreign
-countries to signal turns.
-%
Pittsburgh driver's test
7: The car directly in front of you has a flashing right tail light
- but a steady left tail light.
+ but a steady left tail light. This means
a) One of the tail lights is broken. You should blow your
horn to call the problem to the driver's attention.
b) The driver is signaling a right turn.
The correct answer is d.
Tail lights are used in some foreign countries to signal turns.
%
- Pittsburgh Driver's Test
-
-(8) Pedestrians are
-
- (a) irrelevant.
- (b) communists.
- (c) a nuisance.
- (d) difficult to clean off the front grille.
-
-The correct answer is (a). Pedestrians are not in cars, so they are
-totally irrelevant to driving; you should ignore them completely.
-%
Pittsburgh driver's test
8: Pedestrians are
a) irrelevant.
bathroom supply outlets (or 99 cents at the table in front of
Papyrus Books).
%
- Answers to Last Fortunes' Questions:
-1) None. (Moses didn't have an ark).
-2) Your mother, by the pigeonhole principle.
-3) You don't know. Neither does your boss.
-4) Who cares?
-5) 6 (or maybe 4, or else 3). Mr. Alfred J. Duncan of Podunk, Montana,
- submitted an interesting solution to Problem 5. Unfortunately, I lost it.
-6) I know the answer to this one, but I'm not telling! Suffer! Ha-ha-ha!!
-7) There is an interesting solution to this problem on page 10,953 of my
- book, which you can pick up for $23.95 at finer bookstores and bathroom
- supply outlets (or 99 cents at the table in front of Papyrus Books).
-%
DETERIORATA
Go placidly amid the noise and waste,
Augmented ASCII, nine bits wide!
Double bucky, a half a thousand glyphs, plus a few!
+Oh, I sure wish that I,
+Had a couple of bits more!
+Perhaps a set of pedals to make the number of bits four.
+
Double bucky, left and right
OR'd together, outta sight!
Double bucky, I'd like a whole word of
Double bucky, I'm happy I heard of
Double bucky, I'd like a whole word of you!
-
-- Guy L. Steele, Jr., (C) 1978
+ (to Nicholas Wirth, who suggested that an extra bit
+ be added to terminal codes on 36-bit machines for use
+ by screen editors.)
%
Gimmie That Old Time Religion
We will follow Zarathustra, We will worship like the Druids,
William Safire's Rules for Writers:
Remember to never split an infinitive. The passive voice should never
-be used. Do not put statements in the negative form. Verbs have to
+be used. Do not put statements in the negative form. Verbs has to
agree with their subjects. Proofread carefully to see if you words
out. If you reread your work, you can find on rereading a great deal
of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing. A writer must
you should blame when you make a mistake.
Yes, I want the brochure describing this incredible offer.
- I enclose $1000 is small unmarked bills to cover the cost of
+ I enclose $1000 in small unmarked bills to cover the cost of
postage and handling. (No live poultry, please.)
*** Our Slogan: Top down programming for the masses. ***
The computer scientist, who had listened to all of this said,
"Yes, but where do you think the chaos came from?"
%
+ A domineering man married a mere wisp of a girl. He came back from
+his honeymoon a chastened man. He'd become aware of the will of the wisp.
+%
A farm in the country side had several turkeys, it was known as the
house of seven gobbles.
%
And suddenly the novice was enlightened.
-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
%
- A master was explaining the nature of Tao to one of his
+ A master was explaining the nature of the Tao to one of his
novices. "The Tao is embodied in all software -- regardless of how
insignificant," said the master.
The master coughed and shifted his position slightly. "The
lesson is over for today," he said.
- -- "The Tao of Programming"
+ -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
%
A MODERN FABLE
the death of composer Edward MacDowell. She played the elegy for the
pianist Josef Hoffman, then asked his opinion. "Well, it's quite
nice," he replied, but don't you think it would be better if ..."
- "If what?" asked the composer.
+ "If what?" asked the composer.
"If ... if you had died and MacDowell had written the elegy?"
%
A novel approach is to remove all power from the system, which
"They are alive within the Tao."
-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
%
+ A pushy romeo asked a gorgeous elevator operator, "Don't all these
+stops and starts get you pretty worn out?" "It isn't the stops and starts
+that get on my nerves, it's the jerks."
+%
A ranger was walking through the forest and encountered a hunter
carrying a shotgun and a dead loon. "What in the world do you think you're
doing? Don't you know that the loon is on the endangered species list?"
%
A sheet of paper crossed my desk the other day and as I read it,
realization of a basic truth came over me. So simple! So obvious we couldn't
-see it. John Knivlen, Chairman of Polamar Repeater Club, an amateur radio
+see it. John Knivlen, Chairman of Palomar Repeater Club, an amateur radio
group, had discovered how IC circuits work. He says that smoke is the thing
that makes ICs work because every time you let the smoke out of an IC circuit,
it stops working. He claims to have verified this with thorough testing.
from Don Quixote for a local TV show. "I'll play the title role," proposed
Tom. "Fred can portray Sancho Panza, and Cecil B. De Mille."
%
+ A woman was in love with fourteen soldiers, it was clearly platoonic.
+%
A woman was married to a golfer. One day she asked, "If I were
to die, would you remarry?"
After some thought, the man replied, "Yes, I've been very happy in
"Why not?"
"She's left handed."
%
- A women was in love with fourteen soldiers, it was clearly platoonic.
-%
A young honeymoon couple were touring southern Florida and happened
to stop at one of the rattlesnake farms along the road. After seeing the
sights, they engaged in small talk with the man that handled the snakes.
"Ma'am," answered the snake handler, "that will be the day I learn
who my real friends are."
%
+ A young husband with an inferiority complex insisted he was just a
+little pebble on the beach. The marriage counselor told him, "If you wish to
+save your marriage, you'd better be a little boulder."
+%
A young married couple had their first child. Their original pride
and joy slowly turned to concern however, for after a couple of years the
child had never uttered any form of speech. They hired the best speech
The Japanese astronaut says, "I've always wanted to learn Latin. I
want 100 lbs. of textbooks." The NASA board approves. The Russian astronaut
thinks for a second and says, "Two years... all right, I want 150 pounds of
-the best Cuban cigars ever made." Again, NASA okays it.
+the best Cuban cigars ever made." Again, NASA okays it.
Two years later, the shuttle lands and everyone is gathered outside
to welcome back the astronauts. Well, it's obvious what the American's been
up to, he and his wife are each holding an infant. The crowd cheers. The
the podium until his knuckles turn white, glares at the first row and
screams: "Anybody got a match?"
%
+ An airplane pilot got engaged to two very pretty women at the same
+time. One was named Edith; the other named Kate. They met, discovered they
+had the same fiancee, and told him. "Get out of our lives you rascal. We'll
+teach you that you can't have your Kate and Edith, too."
+%
An architect's first work is apt to be spare and clean. He
knows he doesn't know what he's doing, so he does it carefully and with
great restraint.
Thanks, Kathy. (front desk, x17)
-p.s. Also, anyone ever used Noxema on friction burns?
+p.s. Also, anyone ever used Noxzema on friction burns?
Or is Vaseline better?
%
Dr. Oliver Wendell Holmes of Harvard Medical School inhaled ether
During a fight, a husband threw a bowl of Jello at his wife. She had
him arrested for carrying a congealed weapon.
In another fight, the wife decked him with a heavy glass pitcher.
-She's a women who conks to stupor.
+She's a woman who conks to stupor.
Upon reading a story about a man who throttled his mother-in-law, a
man commented, "Sounds to me like a practical choker."
It's not the initial skirt length, it's the upcreep.
Replied the fourth professor, "`An Anthology of Prose.'"
%
Fred noticed his roommate had a black eye upon returning from a dance.
-"What happened?" "I was struck by the beauty of the place."
- A pushy romeo asked a gorgeous elevator operator, "Don't all these
-stops and starts get you pretty worn out?" "It isn't the stops and starts
-that get on my nerves, it's the jerks."
- An airplane pilot got engaged to two very pretty women at the same
-time. One was named Edith; the other named Kate. They met, discovered they
-had the same fiancee, and told him. "Get out of our lives you rascal. We'll
-teach you that you can't have your Kate and Edith, too."
- A domineering man married a mere wisp of a girl. He came back from
-his honeymoon a chastened man. He'd become aware of the will of the wisp.
- A young husband with an inferiority complex insisted he was just a
-little pebble on the beach. The marriage counselor told him, "If you wish to
-save your marriage, you'd better be a little boulder."
+"What happened?"
+ "I was struck by the beauty of the place."
%
Friends were surprised, indeed, when Frank and Jennifer broke their
engagement, but Frank had a ready explanation: "Would you marry someone who
Presently, they met Firmware, who was dressed in tattered rags, and
hobbled along propped on a thorny stick. Firmware said to them: "The Tao
lies beyond Yin and Yang. It is silent and still as a pool of water. It does
-not seek fame, therefore nobody knows its presence. It does not seeks fortune,
+not seek fame, therefore nobody knows its presence. It does not seek fortune,
for it is complete within itself. It exists beyond space and time."
Software and Hardware, ashamed, returned to their homes.
-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
"How did you spend the weekend?" asked the pretty brunette secretary
of her blonde companion.
"Fishing through the ice," she replied.
- "Fishing through the ice? Whatever for?"
+ "Fishing through the ice? Whatever for?"
"Olives."
%
"How many people work here?"
in traffic, is exchange phone numbers, so that later on, when we've had
time to think of witty and learned insults or look them up in the
library, we could call each other up:
-
You: Hello? Bob?
Bob: Yes?
You: This is Ed. Remember? The person whose parking space you
- took last Thursday? Outside of Sears?
+ took last Thursday? Outside of Sears?
Bob: Oh yes! Sure! How are you, Ed?
You: Fine, thanks. Listen, Bob, the reason I'm calling is:
"Madam, you may be drunk, but I am ugly, and ..." No, wait.
I made it a rule to forbear all direct contradictions to the sentiments
of others, and all positive assertion of my own. I even forbade myself the use
of every word or expression in the language that imported a fixed opinion, such
-as "certainly", "undoubtedly", etc. I adopted instead of them "I conceive",
+as "certainly", "undoubtedly", etc. I adopted instead of them "I conceive",
"I apprehend", or "I imagine" a thing to be so or so; or "so it appears to me
at present".
When another asserted something that I thought an error, I denied
So he showed me a nude picture of my wife.
-- Rodney Dangerfield
%
- If I kiss you, that is an psychological interaction.
+ If I kiss you, that is a psychological interaction.
On the other hand, if I hit you over the head with a brick,
that is also a psychological interaction.
The difference is that one is friendly and the other is not
At that moment, Sussman was enlightened.
%
In the east there is a shark which is larger than all other fish. It
-changes into a bird whose winds are like clouds filling the sky. When this
+changes into a bird whose wings are like clouds filling the sky. When this
bird moves across the land, it brings a message from Corporate Headquarters.
This message it drops into the midst of the programmers, like a seagull
making its mark upon the beach. Then the bird mounts on the wind and, with
%
It seems there's this magician working one of the luxury cruise ships
for a few years. He doesn't have to change his routines much as the audiences
-change over fairly often, and he's got a good life. The only problem is the
+change over fairly often, and he's got a good life. The only problem is the
ship's parrot, who perches in the hall and watches him night after night, year
after year. Finally, the parrot figures out how almost every trick works and
starts giving it away for the audience. For example, when the magician makes
reunited with his deceased relatives led on to the thought that they might
just feel the same way about him and, what's more, be able to do something
about helping to postpone this reunion.
- -- Douglas Adams
+ -- Douglas Adams, "The Restaurant at the End of the Universe"
%
"Oh sure, this costume may look silly, but it lets me get in and out
of dangerous situations -- I work for a federal task force doing a survey on
attacked the men. He continued to trample them until they were nothing but
bloody lumps of flesh. Then, strolling away, the elephant remarked, "It just
goes to show that you can't depend on first impressions. When I first saw
-them I didn't think they they'd be any fun at all."
+them I didn't think they'd be any fun at all."
%
Once upon a time there were three brothers who were knights
in a certain kingdom. And, there was a Princess in a neighboring kingdom
available to anyone.
-- Tom Weller, "Science Made Stupid"
%
+ Once you're safely in the mall, you should tie your children to you
+with ropes so the other shoppers won't try to buy them. Holiday shoppers
+have been whipped into a frenzy by months of holiday advertisements, and
+they will buy anything small enough to stuff into a shopping bag. If your
+children object to being tied, threaten to take them to see Santa Claus;
+that ought to shut them up.
+ -- Dave Barry
+%
One day a student came to Moon and said, "I understand how to make
a better garbage collector. We must keep a reference count of the pointers
to each cons."
be considered archaic in the light of new evidence about the way the human
body functions.
-- Norman Cousins,
- "Anatomy of an Illness as Perceived by the Patient"
+ "Anatomy of an Illness as Perceived by the Patient"
%
Penn's aunts made great apple pies at low prices. No one else in
town could compete with the pie rates of Penn's aunts.
Go to Africa, organize a safari, find an elephant in the jungle and shoot it.
That way you'll get it out of your system."
Sam immediately made arrangements for a safari hunt in Africa,
-inviting his best friend to join him. They arrived in Nairobi and lost no
+inviting his best friend to join him. They arrived in Nairobi and lost no
time getting out on the jungle trails. After they had been hunting for
several days, Sam's best friend grabbed him by the arm one morning and
yelled at him:
at his head!"
Sam whirled around, took aim, and killed his friend. He was put in
prison and his psychiatrist flew to Africa to visit him. "I sent you over
-here to kill and elephant and instead you shoot your best friend," the
+here to kill an elephant and instead you shoot your best friend," the
psychiatrist said. "Why?"
"Well," Sam replied, "there's only one thing in the world that I
hate more than elephants and that is a loudmouth know-it-all!"
of Santraginus V ... use it to sail a miniraft down the slow heavy River
Moth; wave your towel in emergencies, and, of course, dry yourself off
with it if it still seems to be clean enough.
+ -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
%
The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy has a few things to say on
the subject of towels.
hitch the length and breadth of the Galaxy, struggle against terrible odds,
win through and still know where his towel is, is clearly a man to be
reckoned with.
+ -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
%
The honeymooning couple agreed it was a fine day for horseback riding.
After a mile or so, the bride's mount cantered under a low tree and a
%
The master programmer moves from program to program without fear. No
change in management can harm him. He will not be fired, even if the project
-is canceled. Why is this? He is filled with the Tao.
+is canceled. Why is this? He is filled with the Tao.
-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
%
The men sat sipping their tea in silence. After a while the
"Not so," said the programmer, "when designing an accounting package,
the programmer operates as a mediator between people having different ideas:
how it must operate, how its reports must appear, and how it must conform to
-the tax laws. By contrast, an operating system is not limited my outside
-appearances. When designing an operating system, the programmer seeks the
-simplest harmony between machine and ideas. This is why an operating system
-is easier to design."
- The warlord of Wu nodded and smiled. "That is all good and well, but
-which is easier to debug?"
- The programmer made no reply.
- -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
-%
- There was once a programmer who was attached to the court of the
-warlord Wu. The warlord asked the programmer: "Which is easier to design:
-an accounting package or an operating system?"
- "An operating system," replied the programmer.
- The warlord uttered an exclamation of disbelief. "Surely an
-accounting package is trivial next to the complexity of an operating
-system," he said.
- "Not so," said the programmer, "when designing an accounting package,
-the programmer operates as a mediator between people having different ideas:
-how it must operate, how its reports must appear, and how it must conform to
tax laws. By contrast, an operating system is not limited by outward
appearances. When designing an operating system, the programmer seeks the
simplest harmony between machine and ideas. This is why an operating system
is easier to design."
- The warlord of Wu nodded and smiled. "That is all good and well,"
+ The warlord of Wu nodded and smiled. "That is all good and well,"
he said, "but which is easier to debug?"
The programmer made no reply.
-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
-- "National Lampoon", September, 1984
%
This is where the bloodthirsty license agreement is supposed to go,
-explaining that Interactive Easyflow is a copyrighted package licensed for
+explaining that Interactive EasyFlow is a copyrighted package licensed for
use by a single person, and sternly warning you not to pirate copies of it
and explaining, in detail, the gory consequences if you do.
We know that you are an honest person, and are not going to go around
-pirating copies of Interactive Easyflow; this is just as well with us since
+pirating copies of Interactive EasyFlow; this is just as well with us since
we worked hard to perfect it and selling copies of it is our only method of
making anything out of all the hard work.
If, on the other hand, you are one of those few people who do go
around pirating copies of software you probably aren't going to pay much
attention to a license agreement, bloodthirsty or not. Just keep your doors
locked and look out for the HavenTree attack shark.
- -- License Agreement for Interactive Easyflow
+ -- License Agreement for Interactive EasyFlow
%
Thompson, if he is to be believed, has sampled the entire
rainbow of legal and illegal drugs in heroic efforts to feel better
Why jog exquisite bulk, fond crazy vamp,
Daft buxom jonquil, zephyr's gawky vice?
Guy fed by work, quiz Jove's xanthic lamp --
-Zow! Qualms by deja vu gyp fox-kin thrice.
+Zow! Qualms by deja vu gyp fox-kin thrice.
-- Lazy Dog
%
To lose weight, eat less; to gain weight, eat more; if you merely
We didn't really want to include any disclaimer at all, but our
lawyers insisted. We tried to ignore them but they threatened us with the
attack shark at which point we relented.
- -- Haven Tree Software Limited, "Interactive EasyFlow"
+ -- HavenTree Software Limited, "Interactive EasyFlow"
%
"We friends, yes?" The shoe shine boy put on his hustling smile
and looked into the Sailor's dead, cold, undersea eyes, eyes without a
Bowman hesitates. "You aren't IBM compatible."
[...]
"The letters H, A, and L are alphabetically adjacent to the letters
-I, B, and M. That is a IBM compatible as I can be."
+I, B, and M. That is as IBM compatible as I can be."
"Not quite, HAL. The engineers have figured out a kludge."
"What kludge is that, Dave?"
"I'm going to disconnect your brain."
sure, little lady, it's eleven-thirty. Wanna get high?
Don't bother thinking that instant lust will turn into the real thing.
It may, but then you may also wake up one morning to find you're the Queen of
-Rumania.
+Romania.
-- Cynthia Hemiel, "Sex Tips for Girls"
%
"When you wake up in the morning, Pooh," said Piglet at last,
For those who have had too much of Esalen, Topanga, and Kairos.
Tired of being genuine all the time? Would you like to learn how
to be a little phony again? Have you disclosed so much that you're
-beginning to avoid people? Have you touched so many people that
-they're all beginning to feel the same? Like to be a little dependent?
-Are perfect orgasms beginning to bore you? Would you like, for once,
+beginning to avoid people? Have you touched so many people that
+they're all beginning to feel the same? Like to be a little dependent?
+Are perfect orgasms beginning to bore you? Would you like, for once,
not to express a feeling? Or better yet, not be in touch with it at
all? Come to us. We promise to relieve you of the burden of your
great potential.
to work on campus, you will have 1-2 hours between classes. If you commute,
there will be a minimum of 6 hours between the two classes.
%
-"... all the good computer designs are bootlegged; the formally planned
-products, if they are built at all, are dogs!"
+... all the good computer designs are bootlegged; the formally planned
+products, if they are built at all, are dogs!
-- David E. Lundstrom, "A Few Good Men From Univac",
MIT Press, 1987
%
Most of us just sit back and marvel at such a story; how could that terminal
know whether the poor guy was sitting or standing? Good debuggers, though,
know that there has to be a reason. Electrical theories are the easiest to
-hypothesize: was there a loose with under the carpet, or problems with static
+hypothesize: was there a loose wire under the carpet, or problems with static
electricity? But electrical problems are rarely consistently reproducible.
An alert IBMer finally noticed that the problem was in the terminal's keyboard:
the tops of two keys were switched. When the programmer was seated he was a
%
"... And remember: if you don't like the news, go out and make some of
your own."
- -- "Scoop" Nisker, KFOG radio reporter
+ -- "Scoop" Nisker, KFOG radio reporter
Preposterous Words
%
+... and the fully armed nuclear warheads are of course merely a
+courtesy detail.
+ -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
+%
... Another writer again agreed with all my generalities, but said that as an
inveterate skeptic I have closed my mind to the truth. Most notably I have
ignored the evidence for an Earth that is six thousand years old. Well, I
yet we have not advanced one inch towards uniformity.
-- Thomas Jefferson, "Notes on Virginia"
%
- Eat drink and be merry, for tomorrow they may make it illegal.
-%
<<<<< EVACUATION ROUTE <<<<<
%
... "fire" does not matter, "earth" and "air" and "water" do not matter.
(Haley's comment.)
%
-" I changed my headlights the other day. I put in strobe lights
-instead! Now when I drive at night, it looks like everyone else is
-standing still ..."
- -- Steven Wright
-%
"... I should explain that I was wearing a black velvet cape that was
supposed to make me look like the dashing, romantic Zorro but which
actually made me look like a gigantic bat wearing glasses ..."
sense of achievement you get from getting them to work at all. In other
words... their fundamental design flaws are completely hidden by their
superficial design flaws.
- -- "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy", on the products
- of the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation.
+ -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
+ on the products of the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation
%
... it still remains true that as a set of cognitive beliefs about the
existence of God in any recognizable sense continuous with the great
%
** MAXIMUM TERMINALS ACTIVE. TRY AGAIN LATER **
%
-... My pants just went on a wild rampage through a Long Island Bowling
-Alley!!
-%
-- Neophyte's serendipity.
-- Exclusive dedication to necessitous chores without interludes of
hedonistic diversion renders John a hebetudinous fellow.
1 Dog Pound = 16 oz. of Alpo
1000 beers served at a Twins game = 1 Killibrew
2.4 statute miles of surgical tubing at Yale U. = 1 I.V.League
-2000 pounds of chinese soup = 1 Won Ton
+2000 pounds of Chinese soup = 1 Won Ton
10 to the minus 6th power mouthwashes = 1 Microscope
Speed of a tortoise breaking the sound barrier = 1 Machturtle
8 Catfish = 1 Octo-puss
(6) Fungus trellis
(7) False eyelashes
(8) Prosthetic dog claws
- .
- .
- .
+ .
+ .
+ .
(99) Window garden harrow (pulled behind Tonka tractors)
(100) Killer velcro
(101) Currency
100 blocks of crud on the disk,
100 blocks of crud!
You patch a bug, and dump it again:
-101 blocks of crud on the disk! ...
+101 blocks of crud on the disk!
%
-A baby is an alimentary canal with a loud voice at one end and no
-responsibility at the other.
+A baby is an alimentary canal with a loud voice
+at one end and no responsibility at the other.
%
A baby is God's opinion that the world should go on.
-- Carl Sandburg
%
A bachelor is a man who never made the same mistake once.
%
-A bachelor is a selfish, undeserving guy who has cheated some woman out
-of a divorce.
+A bachelor is a selfish, undeserving guy
+who has cheated some woman out of a divorce.
-- Don Quinn
%
A bachelor is an unaltared male.
A billion here, a billion there -- pretty soon it adds up to real money.
-- Sen. Everett Dirksen, on the U.S. defense budget
%
-A billion here, a couple of billion there -- first thing you know it
-adds up to be real money.
- -- Senator Everett McKinley Dirksen
-%
A billion seconds ago Harry Truman was president.
A billion minutes ago was just after the time of Christ.
A billion hours ago man had not yet walked on earth.
deprives domestic felines of vital qualities.
%
A chubby man with a white beard and a red suit
-will approach you soon. Avoid him. He's a Commie.
+will approach you soon. Avoid him. He's a Commie.
%
A citizen of America will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, but
won't cross the street to vote in a national election.
a speed, if feels an impulsion... this is the place to go now. But the
sky knows the reasons and the patterns behind all clouds, and you will
know, too, when you lift yourself high enough to see beyond horizons.
- -- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul
+ -- Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul
%
A CODE OF ETHICAL BEHAVIOR FOR PATIENTS:
the woman proceeded bravely on. "Well, I'm wondering, then, how serious my
condition is. This prescription is marked `NO REFILLS'".
%
-A diva who specializes in risqu'\be arias is an off-coloratura soprano ...
+A diva who specializes in risqu'\be arias is an off-coloratura soprano.
%
A doctor calls his patient to give him the results of his tests. "I have
some bad news," says the doctor, "and some worse news." The bad news is
He was something of an animist, however, and felt that the car really ought
to have a name. This presented a problem, as he was not sure if the name
should be masculine or feminine.
- After considerable thought, he settled on an naming the car either
-Belchazar or Beaumadine, but remained in a quandary about the final choice.
+ After considerable thought, he settled on naming the car either
+Belchazar or Beaumadine, but remained in a quandry about the final choice.
"Is a Nissan male or female?" he began asking his friends. Most of
them looked at him peculiarly, mumbled things about urgent appointments, and
went on their way rather quickly.
A free society is one where it is safe to be unpopular.
-- Adlai Stevenson
%
-A freelance is one who gets paid by the word -- per piece or perhaps.
+A freelancer is one who gets paid by the word -- per piece or perhaps.
-- Robert Benchley
%
A friend in need is a pest indeed.
%
A joint is just tea for two.
%
-A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
-%
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance from Sam.
%
A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step.
%
A little kid went up to Santa and asked him, "Santa, you know when I'm bad
right?" And Santa says, "Yes, I do." The little kid then asks, "And you
-know when I'm sleeping?" To which Santa replies, "Every minute." So the
+know when I'm sleeping?" To which Santa replies, "Every minute." So the
little kid then says, "Well, if you know when I'm bad and when I'm good,
then how come you don't know what I want for Christmas?"
%
A lost ounce of gold may be found, a lost moment of time never.
%
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me. I'm afraid of widths.
- -- Steve Wright
+ -- Steven Wright
%
A lot of people I know believe in positive thinking,
and so do I. I believe everything positively stinks.
"My wife's first husband."
%
A man who cannot seduce men cannot save them either.
- -- Soren Kierkegaard
+ -- S. A. Kierkegaard
%
A man who carries a cat by its tail learns something he can learn
in no other way.
A myth is a religion in which no-one any longer believes.
-- James Feibleman, "Understanding Philosophy"
%
-A narcissist is anyone better-looking than you.
- -- Gore Vidal
-%
A narcissist is someone better looking than you are.
-- Gore Vidal
%
plus the weight of the banana, is one forth as much as the weight of the
weight and the weight of the rope. The monkey's mother is half as old as
the monkey will be when it is three times as old as its mother was when she
-she was half as old as the monkey will be when when it is as old as its mother
+was half as old as the monkey will be when it is as old as its mother
will be when she is four times as old as the monkey was when it was twice
as its mother was when she was one third as old as the monkey was when it
was old as is mother was when she was three times as old as the monkey was
A: "But I never asked anybody how."
%
A.A.A.A.A.:
- An organization for drunks who drive
+ An organization for drunks who drive.
%
\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\aAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaccccccccckkkkkk!!!!!!!!!\a
You brute! Knock before entering a ladies room!
%
Abraham Lincoln didn't die in vain. He died in Washington, D.C.
%
-ABSCOND:
- To be unexpectedly called away to the bedside
- of a dying relative and miss the return train.
-%
-abscond, v:
+Abscond, v.:
To be unexpectedly called away to the bedside of a dying relative
and miss the return train.
%
national average (the US ranks third among the world's superpowers in
smiling), Xerox has instructed all personnel to be happy, effervescent, and
most importantly, to smile. Xerox employees agree, and even feel strongly
-that they can not only meet but surpass the national average... except for
+that they can not only meet but surpass the national average... except for
Tubby Ackerman. But because Tubby does such a fine job of racing around
parking lots with a large butterfly net retrieving floating IC chips, Xerox
decided to give him a break. If you see Tubby in a parking lot he may have
%
Ad astra per aspera. (To the stars by aspiration.)
%
-ADA:
- Something you need to know the name of to be an Expert in Computing.
- Useful in sentences like, "We had better develop an ADA awareness."
-%
ADA, n.:
Something you need only know the name of to be an Expert in
Computing. Useful in sentences like, "We had better develop an ADA
functionality -- it just makes the manuals thicker.
%
Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later.
- -- Frederick Brooks Jr., "The Mythical Man Month"
+ -- Frederick Brooks Jr., "The Mythical Man-Month"
Whenever one person is found adequate to the discharge of a duty by
close application thereto, it is worse execute by two persons and
scarcely done at all if three or more are employed therein.
- -- George Washington, 1732-1799
+ -- George Washington (1732-1799)
%
Adding sound to movies would be like
putting lipstick on the Venus de Milo.
I would be busy too; Let my first years be passed,
For Satan finds some mischief still That I may give for every day
For idle hands to do. Some good account at last.
- -- Isaac Watts, 1674-1748
+ -- Isaac Watts (1674-1748)
%
Against stupidity the very gods Themselves contend in vain.
-- Friedrich von Schiller, "The Maid of Orleans", III, 6
That period of life in which we compound for the vices that we
still cherish by reviling those that we no longer have the enterprise
to commit.
- -- Ambrose Bierce
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
Agnes' Law:
Almost everything in life is easier to get into than out of.
-- Casey Stengel, informing outfielder Bob Cerv he'd
been traded.
%
-AIR:
- A nutritious substance supplied by
- a bountiful Providence for the fattening of the poor.
- -- Ambrose Bierce
-%
Air Force Inertia Axiom:
Consistency is always easier to defend than correctness.
%
Air is water with holes in it.
%
+Air, n.:
+ A nutritious substance supplied by a bountiful Providence for
+ the fattening of the poor.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
Air pollution is really making us pay through the nose.
%
Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value.
%
Aleph-null bottles of beer on the wall,
Aleph-null bottles of beer,
-You take one down, and pass it around,
+ You take one down, and pass it around,
Aleph-null bottles of beer on the wall.
%
Alex Haley was adopted!
synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to
rob a department store... with a pricing gun... She said, "Give me all
of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store."
- -- Stephen Wright
+ -- Steven Wright
%
All of the true things I am about to tell you are shameless lies.
-- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr., "The Book of Bokonon"
and the young are always optimists. But however the selection process works,
the result is indisputable: "This time it will surely run," or "I just found
the last bug."
- -- Frederick Brooks Jr., "The Mythical Man Month"
+ -- Frederick Brooks Jr., "The Mythical Man-Month"
%
All programmers are playwrights and all computers are lousy actors.
%
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy.
-- Charlie McCarthy
%
-Ambition, n:
+Ambition, n.:
An overmastering desire to be vilified by enemies while
living and made ridiculous by friends when dead.
- -- Ambrose Bierce
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
America: born free and taxed to death.
%
and divide at the same time.
%
Among all savage beasts, none is found so harmful as woman.
- -- St. John Chrysostom, 304-407.
+ -- St. John Chrysostom (304-407)
%
Among the lucky, you are the chosen one.
%
-- Marlon Brando
%
An Ada exception is when a routine gets
-in trouble and says "Beam me up, Scotty".
+in trouble and says "Beam me up, Scotty."
%
An adequate bootstrap is a contradiction in terms.
%
%
An ambassador is an honest man sent abroad
to lie and intrigue for the benefit of his country.
- -- Sir Henry Wotton, 1568-1639
+ -- Sir Henry Wotton (1568-1639)
%
An amendment to a motion may be amended, but an amendment to an amendment
to a motion may not be amended. However, a substitute for an amendment to
Was he to leave the world upon the shelf?
Let Andy have his labor to himself!
-- Chaucer
- [well, almost. Ed.]
+ [well, almost. Ed.]
%
An honest politician is one who when he is bought will stay bought.
-- Simon Cameron
of heaven... I smell my daughter Lisle's strudel."
"No, no, grandfather, you are not dreaming", he is reassured.
"Grandmother is baking strudel right now."
- A faint smile crosses the old man's face. "Go an get me a sliver of
+ A faint smile crosses the old man's face. "Go and get me a sliver of
strudel," he says, "she bakes the finest strudel in the world."
One of the grandchildren is immediately dispatched to honor the old
man's request, and, after what seems a long time, he returns empty-handed.
Give it clean water and feed it fresh air.
Grow a forest -- protect it from axes that hack.
Then the Lorax and all of his friends may come back!"
+ -- Dr. Seuss, "The Lorax"
%
And as we stand on the edge of darkness
Let our chant fill the void
them with you!" And the young kangaroo in her pouch said, "ME TOO! From
the sun in the summer. From rain when it's fall-ish, I'm going to protect
them. No matter how small-ish!"
- -- Dr. Seuss "Horton Hears a Who"
+ -- Dr. Seuss, "Horton Hears a Who"
%
And here I wait so patiently
Waiting to find out what price
growth -- the rising belly button as a mark of progress.
-- S. J. Gould, "Racism and Recapitulation"
%
-"...and the fully armed nuclear warheads, are, of course, merely a
-courtesy detail."
-%
And the silence came surging softly backwards
When the plunging hooves were gone...
-- Walter de La Mare, "The Listeners"
Be the envy of other major Communist Governments!
Defend yourself against the entire ICBM force of the imperialist USA with
-just one of the processors, at the same time you're designing missile IC's,
+just one of the processors, at the same time you're designing missile ICs,
cracking secret NATO codes and editing propaganda for your own people all
at the same time with the other! (Well, you really can't, but the Americans
think you can, and that's the point, right?)
Anyone can make an omelet with eggs. The trick is to make one with
none.
%
-"Anyone can say 'no'. It is the first word a child learns and often the
+Anyone can say "no." It is the first word a child learns and often the
first word he speaks. It is a cheap word because it requires no
explanation, and many men and women have acquired a reputation for
intelligence who know only this word and have used it in place of
-thought on every occasion."
+thought on every occasion.
-- Chuck Jones (Warner Bros. animation director.)
%
Anyone stupid enough to be caught by the police is probably guilty.
APPENDIX:
A portion of a book, for which nobody yet has discovered any use.
%
-Applause, n:
+Applause, n.:
The echo of a platitude from the mouth of a fool.
- -- Ambrose Bierce
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
April is the cruelest month...
-- Thomas Stearns Eliot
say in those awkward situations? Worry no more...
Go away. You bother me.
- Why? Because life is unfair.
+ Why? Because life is unfair.
That's a nice drawing. What is it?
Children should be seen and not heard.
You'll be the death of me.
Do you wear a "nerd-pack" in your shirt pocket to keep the dozen
or so pencils from marking the cloth?
Do you think Mary Jane is somebody's name?
-Is illegal fishing is something only a daring criminal would do?
+Is illegal fishing something only a daring criminal would do?
Is Batman your hero? Superman? Green Lantern? The Shadow?
Do you think girls who kiss on the first date are loose?
11+ -- Does suicide seem attractive?
%
Argue for your limitations, and sure enough, they're yours.
- -- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul
+ -- Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul
%
Arguments are extremely vulgar, for everyone
in good society holds exactly the same opinion.
%
As Gen. de Gaulle occasionally acknowledges America to be the daughter
of Europe, so I am pleased to come to Yale, the daughter of Harvard.
- -- J. F. Kennedy
+ -- John F. Kennedy
%
As goatherd learns his trade by goat, so writer learns his trade by wrote.
%
speech and the free press. Every time I hear these words I say to
myself, "That man is a Red, that man is a Communist". You never hear a
real American talk like that.
- -- Frank Hague, 1896-1956
+ -- Frank Hague (1896-1956)
%
As long as the answer is right, who cares if the question is wrong?
%
version requires the same systematic testing procedure that adding a new
component does, although it should require less time, for more complete and
efficient test cases will usually be available.
- -- Frederick Brooks Jr., "The Mythical Man Month"
+ -- Frederick Brooks Jr., "The Mythical Man-Month"
%
As the trials of life continue to take their toll, remember that there
is always a future in Computer Maintenance.
you're smart, just don't start. Remember, if any weirdo offers you
some UNIX,
- Just Say No!
+ Just Say No!
%
At first sight, the idea of any rules or principles being superimposed on
the creative mind seems more likely to hinder than to help, but this is
%
At Group L, Stoffel oversees six first-rate programmers, a managerial
challenge roughly comparable to herding cats.
- -- The Washington Post Magazine, June 9, 1985
+ -- "The Washington Post Magazine", June 9, 1985
%
At last I've found the girl of my dreams. Last night she said to me,
"Once more, Strange, and this time *I'll* be Donnie and *you* be Marie.
[Babe] Ruth made a big mistake when he gave up pitching.
-- Tris Speaker, 1921
%
-BACCHUS:
- A convenient deity invented by the ancients
- as an excuse for getting drunk.
-%
Bacchus, n.:
A convenient deity invented by the ancients as an excuse for
getting drunk.
BACKWARD CONDITIONING:
Putting saliva in a dog's mouth in an attempt to make a bell ring.
%
-Bacons not the only thing that's cured by hanging from a string.
+Bacon's not the only thing that's cured by hanging from a string.
%
BAD CRAZINESS, MAN!!!
%
If it doesn't work, it's physics.
%
Basic is a high level languish.
-%
-Basic is a high level languish.
APL is a high level anguish.
%
BASIC is the Computer Science equivalent of "Scientific Creationism."
%
Batteries not included.
%
-Battle, n:
+Battle, n.:
A method of untying with the teeth a political knot that
will not yield to the tongue.
- -- Ambrose Bierce
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
Be a better psychiatrist and the world
will beat a psychopath to your door.
-- Felton & Fowler's Best, Worst & Most Unusual
%
Best Mistakes In Films
- In his "Filgoer's Companion", Mr. Leslie Halliwell helpfully lists
+ In his "Filmgoer's Companion", Mr. Leslie Halliwell helpfully lists
four of the cinema's greatest moments which you should get to see if at all
possible.
In "Carmen Jones", the camera tracks with Dorothy Dandridge down a
time was not an absolute, but depended on the observer's movement in
time, so it is now realized that numbers are not absolute, but depend
on the observer's movement in restaurants.
- -- Douglas Adams
+ -- Douglas Adams, "Life, The Universe and Everything"
%
bit, n:
A unit of measure applied to color. Twenty-four-bit color
%
BLISS is ignorance.
%
-blithwapping:
+blithwapping, v.:
Using anything BUT a hammer to hammer a nail into the
wall, such as shoes, lamp bases, doorstops, etc.
-- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
of their judgments (Jahoda, 1969; Einhorn and Hogarth, 1978). In the
analyzing of past events, these tendencies are exacerbated by failure to
appreciate the pitfalls of post hoc analyses.
+ -- A. Benjamin
%
Brillineggiava, ed i tovoli slati
girlavano ghimbanti nella vaba;
Bunker's Admonition:
You cannot buy beer; you can only rent it.
%
-BURBULATION:
+Burbulation, v.:
The obsessive act of opening and closing a refrigerator door in
an attempt to catch it before the automatic light comes on.
-- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
system, in which all of its major weaknesses have been exposed,
analyzed, and replaced with new weaknesses.
-- Bruce Leverett,
- "Register Allocation in Optimizing Compilers"
+ "Register Allocation in Optimizing Compilers"
%
But it does move!
-- Galileo Galilei
By protracting life, we do not deduct one jot from the duration of death.
-- Titus Lucretius Carus
%
-"By the time they had diminished from 50 to 8, the other dwarves began
-to suspect 'Hungry' ..."
+By the time they had diminished from 50 to 8, the other dwarves began
+to suspect "Hungry" ...
-- Gary Larson, "The Far Side"
%
By the time you swear you're his,
[Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
referring to logical names.]
%
-"Calling J-Man Kink. Calling J-Man Kink. Hash missile sighted, target
-Los Angeles. Disregard personal feelings about city and intercept."
-%
Calling J-Man Kink. Calling J-Man Kink. Hash missle sighted, target
Los Angeles. Disregard personal feelings about city and intercept.
%
-- RKO executive, reacting to Fred Astaire's screen test.
Cerf/Navasky, "The Experts Speak"
%
-Can't open /usr/fortunes. Lid stuck on cookie jar.
+Can't open /usr/games/fortunes. Lid stuck on cookie jar.
%
-Can't open /usr/games/lib/fortunes.dat.
+Can't open /usr/share/games/fortune/fortunes.dat.
%
Capitalism is the extraordinary belief that the nastiest of men, for
the nastiest of reasons, will somehow work for the benefit of us all.
Clairvoyant, n.:
A person, commonly a woman, who has the power of seeing that
which is invisible to her patron -- namely, that he is a blockhead.
- -- Ambrose Bierce
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
Claret is the liquor for boys; port for men; but he who
aspires to be a hero... must drink brandy.
Because you'll be my POSSLQ.
%
Come, muse, let us sing of rats!
- -- From a poem by James Grainger, 1721-1767
+ -- From a poem by James Grainger (1721-1767)
%
Come quickly, I am tasting stars!
-- Dom Perignon, upon discovering champagne
That my keen knife see not the wound it makes,
Nor heaven peep through the blanket of the dark,
To cry `Hold, hold!'
- -- Lady Macbeth
+ -- Lady Macbeth, "Macbeth"
%
Comedy, like Medicine, was never meant to be practiced by the general public.
%
%
Conceptual integrity in turn dictates that the design must proceed
from one mind, or from a very small number of agreeing resonant minds.
- -- Frederick Brooks Jr., "The Mythical Man Month"
+ -- Frederick Brooks Jr., "The Mythical Man-Month"
%
Condense soup, not books!
%
the reputation.
-- Lord Thomas Dewar
%
-Confidant, confidante, n:
+Confidant, confidante, n.:
One entrusted by A with the secrets of B, confided to himself by C.
- -- Ambrose Bierce
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
Confidence is simply that quiet, assured feeling you have before you
-fall flag on your face.
+fall flat on your face.
-- Dr. L. Binder
%
Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.
Conscience is defined as the thing that hurts
when everything else feels great.
%
-Conscience is the inner voice that warns us somebody is looking
+Conscience is the inner voice that warns us somebody is looking.
-- H. L. Mencken
%
Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.
One who admires radicals centuries after they're dead.
-- Leo C. Rosten
%
-Conservative, n:
+Conservative, n.:
A statesman who is enamored of existing evils, as distinguished
from the Liberal who wishes to replace them with others.
- -- Ambrose Bierce
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
-"Consider a spherical bear, in simple harmonic motion..."
+Consider a spherical bear, in simple harmonic motion...
-- Professor in the UCB physics department
%
Consider the following axioms carefully:
if it were so, it would be; but as it isn't, it ain't. That's logic!"
-- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass"
%
-"Contrary to popular belief, penguins are not the salvation of modern
-technology. Neither do they throw parties for the urban proletariat."
+Contrary to popular belief, penguins are not the salvation of modern
+technology. Neither do they throw parties for the urban proletariat.
%
Convention is the ruler of all.
-- Pindar
There are two sides to every argument, unless a person
is personally involved, in which case there is only one.
%
-"Cutting the space budget really restores my faith in humanity. It
+Cutting the space budget really restores my faith in humanity. It
eliminates dreams, goals, and ideals and lets us get straight to the
-business of hate, debauchery, and self-annihilation."
+business of hate, debauchery, and self-annihilation.
-- Johnny Hart
%
-Cynic, n:
- A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are,
- not as they ought to be. Hence the custom among the
- Scythians of plucking out a cynic's eyes to improve his vision.
- -- Ambrose Bierce
-%
Cynic, n.:
A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not
as they ought to be. Hence the custom among the Scythians of plucking
Only it doesn't leave you much time to think about anything else.
%
-Death rays don't kill people, people kill people!!
+Death rays don't kill people, people kill people!
%
Death to all fanatics!
%
default, n.:
[Possibly from Black English "De fault wid dis system is you,
mon."] The vain attempt to avoid errors by inactivity. "Nothing will
-come of nothing: speak again." -- King Lear
+come of nothing: speak again." -- King Lear.
-- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
%
Defeat is worse than death because you have to live with defeat.
%
Do not underestimate the power of the Farce.
%
-Do not underestimate the power of the Force.
-%
Do not use that foreign word "ideals". We have that excellent native
word "lies".
-- Henrik Ibsen, "The Wild Duck"
%
Do unto others before they undo you.
%
-Do what comes naturally. Seethe and fume and throw a tantrum.
-%
Do what comes naturally now. Seethe and fume and throw a tantrum.
%
Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the Law.
%
Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he
just whipped out a quarter?
- -- Stephen Wright
+ -- Steven Wright
%
"Do you think there's a God?"
"Well, SOMEbody's out to get me!"
%
Don't let your status become too quo!
%
-Don't look back, the lemmings are gaining on you.
-%
Don't look back, the lemmings might be gaining on you.
%
Don't look now, but the man in the moon is laughing at you.
Dorothy: But how can you talk without a brain?
Scarecrow: Well, I don't know... but some people
without brains do an awful lot of talking.
- -- The Wizard of Oz
+ -- Judy Garland and Ray Bolger, "The Wizard of Oz"
%
Double!
%
-Double Bucky, you're the one,
-You make my keyboard so much fun,
-Double Bucky, an additional bit or two, (Vo-vo-de-o)
-Control and meta, side by side,
-Augmented ASCII, 9 bits wide!
-Double Bucky, a half a thousand glyphs, plus a few!
-
-Oh, I sure wish that I,
-Had a couple of bits more!
-Perhaps a set of pedals to make the number of bits four.
-
-Double Double Bucky! Double Bucky left and right
-OR'd together, outta sight!
-Double Bucky, I'd like a whole word of,
-Double Bucky, I'm happy I heard of,
-Double Bucky, I'd like a whole word of you!
- -- to Nicholas Wirth, who suggested that an extra bit
- be added to terminal codes on 36-bit machines for use
- by screen editors. [to the tune of "Rubber Ducky"]
-%
Double-Blind Experiment, n.:
An experiment in which the chief researcher believes he is
fooling both the subject and the lab assistant. Often accompanied by a
While they dance beneath the stars.
-- Jimmy Buffet, "Banana Republics"
%
-Down with categorical imperative!
-%
Down with the categorical imperative!
%
Dow's Law:
a man healthy and wealthy and dead.
-- James Thurber
%
-Earn cash in your spare time -- blackmail your friends
+Earn cash in your spare time -- blackmail your friends.
%
Earth Destroyed by Solar Flare -- film clips at eleven.
%
%
Eat, drink, and be merry! Tomorrow you may be in Utah.
%
+Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow they may make it illegal.
+%
Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow we diet.
%
Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow you may work.
%
Egotism, n.:
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle with a pen.
-
-Egotist, n.:
- A person of low taste, more interested in himself than me.
- -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
Egotist, n.:
A person of low taste, more interested in himself than me.
Every four seconds a woman has a baby. Our problem is to find this
woman and stop her.
%
-"Every group has a couple of experts. And every group has at least one
+Every group has a couple of experts. And every group has at least one
idiot. Thus are balance and harmony (and discord) maintained. It's
sometimes hard to remember this in the bulk of the flamewars that all
of the hassle and pain is generally caused by one or two
-highly-motivated, caustic twits."
+highly-motivated, caustic twits.
-- Chuq Von Rospach, about Usenet
%
Every gun that is made, every warship launched, every rocket fired
%
Every person, all the events in your life are there because you have
drawn them there. What you choose to do with them is up to you.
- -- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul
+ -- Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul
%
Every program has at least one bug and can be shortened by at least one
instruction -- from which, by induction, one can deduce that every
-- Alexander Woollcott
%
Everything in this book may be wrong.
- -- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul
+ -- Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul
%
Everything is controlled by a small evil group to which, unfortunately,
no one we know belongs.
%
Everything should be built top-down, except the first time.
%
-Everything should be built top-down, except this time.
-%
Everything should be made as simple as possible, but not simpler.
-- Albert Einstein
%
%
Famous, adj.:
Conspicuously miserable.
- -- Ambrose Bierce
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
Famous last words:
%
Father: Son, it's time we talked about sex.
Son: Sure, Dad, what do you want to know?
%
-Fats Loves Madelyn
+Fats Loves Madelyn.
%
Fay: The British police force used to be run by men of integrity.
Truscott: That is a mistake which has been rectified.
it happened according to his pet theory.
%
Finagle's First Law:
- If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
-%
-Finagle's First Law:
To study a subject best, understand it thoroughly before you start.
Finagle's Second Law:
Finagle's Sixth Law:
Don't believe in miracles -- rely on them.
%
-Finagle's Fourth Law:
- Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it only makes
-it worse.
-%
Finagle's Second Law:
No matter what the anticipated result, there will always be
someone eager to (a) misinterpret it, (b) fake it, or (c) believe it
Fishing, with me, has always been an excuse to drink in the daytime.
-- Jimmy Cannon
%
-Five bicycles make a volkswagen, seven make a truck.
+Five bicycles make a Volkswagen, seven make a truck.
-- Adolfo Guzman
%
Five is a sufficiently close approximation to infinity.
Flame on!
-- Johnny Storm
%
-FLANNISTER:
+Flannister, n.:
The plastic yoke that holds a six-pack of beer together.
-- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
%
commenting on rumors of womanizing.
%
Food for thought is no substitute for the real thing.
- -- Walt Kelly, "Putluck Pogo"
+ -- Walt Kelly, "Potluck Pogo"
%
Foolproof Operation:
No provision for adjustment.
you also want to use \skip12 for horizontal glue, whether in math mode or
not, the amount of skipping will be in points (e.g., 6pt). The rule is
that glue in math mode varies with the size only when it is an \mskip;
-when moving between an mskipand ordinary skip, the conversion factor
+when moving between an mskip and ordinary skip, the conversion factor
1mu=1pt is always used. The meaning of '\mskip\skip12' and
'\baselineskip=\the\thickmskip' should be clear.
-- Donald E. Knuth, TeX 82 -- Comparison with TeX80
get themselves filed.
-- Clifton Fadiman
%
-For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in
-the same room and let them fight it out.
- -- Stephen Wright
-%
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I
put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
-- Steven Wright
Dressing Up:
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the
-garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up
+garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up
for: weddings, funerals. Speaking of weddings, when reminiscing about
weddings, women talk about "the ceremony". Men laugh about "the bachelor
party".
Women wear strange socks. They are cut way below the ankles, have pictures
of clouds on them, and have a big fuzzy ball on the back.
%
-FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS! #6
-
-RAZORBACK: Paul Harbride, 1984, 2 hours 25 min.
- One of the great Australian films of the early 1980's, and
- arguably the best movie ever made about a large, man-eating
- hog. Some violence. With Gregory Harrison.
-%
FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #10
CARTABLANCA:
- Bogart stars as the owner of a north african nightclub that sells
+ Bogart stars as the owner of a North African nightclub that sells
only Mexican beer. Of course, this policy gets him into no end of
trouble with the local French authorities who would really prefer
wine and the occupying Germans who believe that only their beer is
Lean's version of the Oxford Dictionary has been accused of
shallowness in its treatment of a complete work. Omar Sharif
- tends to overact as aardvark, but Alec Guiness is solid in
+ tends to overact as aardvark, but Alec Guinness is solid in
the role of abbacy. As usual, the photography is stunning.
With Julie Christie.
%
and to power small electrical appliances. Maureen Stapleton gives
a glowing performance.
%
+FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #6
+
+RAZORBACK: Paul Harbride, 1984, 2 hours 25 min.
+ One of the great Australian films of the early 1980's, and
+ arguably the best movie ever made about a large, man-eating
+ hog. Some violence. With Gregory Harrison.
+%
FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #7
OUT OF "OUT OF AFRICA":
Given the incredible advances in sociocybernetics and telepsychology over
the last few years, we are now able to completely understand everything that
-the author of an memo is trying to say. Thanks to modern developments
+the author of a memo is trying to say. Thanks to modern developments
in electrocommunications like notes, vnews, and electricity, we have an
incredible level of interunderstanding the likes of which civilization has
never known. Thus, the possibility of your misinterpreting someone else's
you have an excellent opportunity for a vicious ad hominem attack. In fact,
the only *inappropriate* times for an ad hominem attack are as follows:
- 1: When you agree completely with the author of an memo.
+ 1: When you agree completely with the author of a memo.
2: When the author of the original memo is much bigger than you are.
3: When replying to one of your own memos.
%
Three be the things I shall have till I die:
Laughter and hope and a sock in the eye.
- -- Inventory
-%
-Four be the things I'd been better without:
-Love, curiosity, freckles, and doubt.
--- Dorothy Parker, "Not So Deep as a Well"
+ -- Dorothy Parker, "Inventory"
%
Four fifths of the perjury in the world is expended on
tombstones, women and competitors.
%
From Italian tourist guide:
- "Non stop trains to Roma Termini Station leave from 7.38
- a.m. to 10.08 p.m., hourly."
+ "Non stop trains to Roma Termini Station leave from 7.38
+ a.m. to 10.08 p.m., hourly."
%
From listening comes wisdom and from speaking repentance.
%
%
Fundamentally, there may be no basis for anything.
%
-FURBLING:
- Having to wander through a maze of ropes at an airport or bank
- even when you are the only person in line.
- -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
-%
Furbling, v.:
Having to wander through a maze of ropes at an airport or bank
even when you are the only person in line.
tortoises).
-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
%
-GENEALOGY:
+Genealogy, n.:
An account of one's descent from an ancestor
who did not particularly care to trace his own.
- -- Ambrose Bierce
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
General notions are generally wrong.
-- Lady M. W. Montagu
Get Revenge! Live long enough to be a problem for your children!
%
Getting into trouble is easy.
- -- D. Winker and F. Prosser
+ -- D. Winkel and F. Prosser
%
Getting kicked out of the American Bar Association is liked getting kicked
out of the Book-of-the-Month Club.
I lift my disk beside the processor.
-- Inscription on a Word Processor
%
-Give thought to your reputation. Consider changing name and moving to
-a new town.
-%
Give thought to your reputation.
Consider changing your name and moving to a new town.
%
machine now permits LISP programmers to abandon bra and fig-leaf.
-- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
%
-GLEEMITES:
+Gleemites, n.:
Petrified deposits of toothpaste found in sinks.
-- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
%
impress people.
-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
%
-Go ahead... make my day.
- -- Dirty Harry
-%
Go ahead, make my day.
- -- Harry Callahan
+ -- (Dirty) Harry Callahan
%
Go away, I'm all right.
-- H. G. Wells' last words
Woman was God's second mistake.
-- Friedrich Nietzsche
%
-God did not create the world in 7 days; He screwed
-around for 6 days and then pulled an all-nighter.
-%
God did not create the world in seven days; he screwed around for six
days and then pulled an all-nighter.
%
(chorus)
-- to God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen
%
-God rest ye CS students now,
-Let nothing you dismay.
-The VAX is down and won't be up,
-Until the first of May.
-The program that was due this morn,
-Won't be postponed, they say.
-
- Oh, tidings of comfort and joy,
- Comfort and joy,
- Oh, tidings of comfort and joy.
-
-The bearings on the drum are gone,
-The disk is wobbling, too.
-We've found a bug in Lisp, and Algol
-Can't tell false from true.
-And now we find that we can't get
-At Berkeley's 4.2.
-
- (chorus)
-%
God runs electromagnetics by wave theory on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday,
and the Devil runs them by quantum theory on Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday.
-- William Bragg
%
Graduate life -- it's not just a job, it's an indenture.
%
-Graduate life: It's not just a job. It's an indenture.
-%
Graduate students and most professors are
no smarter than undergrads. They're just older.
%
%
Grandpa Charnock's Law:
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
-%
-Grandpa Charnock's Law:
- You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
[I thought it was when your kids learned to drive. Ed.]
%
(2) The strength of the turbulence
is directly proportional to the temperature of your coffee.
%
-GURMLISH:
+Gurmlish, n.:
The red warning flag at the top of a club sandwich which prevents
the person from biting into it and puncturing the roof of his mouth.
-- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
%
-Gurmlish, n.:
- The red warning flag at the top of a club sandwich which
-prevents the person from biting into it and puncturing the roof of his
-mouth.
- -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
-%
GURU:
A person in T-shirt and sandals who took an elevator ride with
a senior vice-president and is ultimately responsible for the
Martin's Extension:
Those who cannot teach -- administrate.
-%
-H. L. Mencken's Law:
- Those who can -- do.
- Those who can't -- teach.
-
-Martin's Extension:
- Those who cannot teach -- administrate.
[No, those who can't teach, teach here. Ed.]
%
%
Hacking's just another word for nothing left to kludge.
%
-"Had he and I but met
+Had he and I but met
By some old ancient inn, But ranged as infantry,
We should have sat us down to wet And staring face to face,
Right many a nipperkin! I shot at him as he at me,
Yes; quaint and curious war is!
You shoot a fellow down
You'd treat, if met where any bar is
-Or help to half-a-crown."
+Or help to half-a-crown.
-- Thomas Hardy
%
Had I been present at the creation, I would have given some
Half the world is composed of people who have something to say and can't,
and the other half who have nothing to say and keep on saying it.
%
-Half-done:
+Half-done, n.:
This is the best way to eat a kosher dill -- when it's still
crunchy, light green, yet full of garlic flavor. The difference
between this and the typical soggy dark green cucumber corpse is like
%
Hark, the Herald Tribune sings,
Advertising wondrous things.
- -- Tom Lehrer
-%
-Hark, the Herald Tribune sings,
-Advertising wondrous things.
Angels we have heard on High
Tell us to go out and Buy.
%
Hartley's Second Law:
Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
-%
-Hartley's Second Law:
- Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
My corollary:
The completely psychotic have all the fun.
unwed mothers and cheating on your income tax.
-- Mike Royko
%
-hatred, n:
- A sentiment appropriate to the occasion of another's superiority.
-%
Hatred, n.:
A sentiment appropriate to the occasion of another's
superiority.
He laughs at every joke three times... once when it's told,
once when it's explained, and once when he understands it.
%
-He looked at me as if I was a side dish he hadn't ordered.
-%
He looked at me as if I were a side dish he hadn't ordered.
-- Ring Lardner
%
up a chopped libber?
%
Hear about...
- the guru who refused Novocain while having a tooth pulled because
+ the guru who refused Novocaine while having a tooth pulled because
he wanted to transcend dental medication?
%
Hear about...
Guernsey cows? It's gonna be the herd shot 'round the world.
%
Hearts will never be practical until they can be made unbreakable.
- -- The Wizard of Oz
+ -- Frank Morgan as The Wizard, "The Wizard of Oz"
%
Heaven and earth were created all together in the same instant,
on October 23rd, 4004 B.C. at nine o'clock in the morning.
%
Help fight continental drift.
%
-HELP!!!! I'm being held prisoner in /usr/games/lib!
+HELP!!!! I'm being held prisoner in /usr/share/games/fortune!
%
Help me, I'm a prisoner in a Fortune cookie file!
%
-Help stamp out and abolish redundancy.
+Help stamp out and abolish redundancy!
%
Help stamp out Mickey-Mouse computer interfaces -- Menus are for Restaurants!
%
No stellar recognition's given.
There are not stars enough in heaven.
%
-"Here at the Phone Company, we serve all kinds of people; from
-Presidents and Kings to the scum of the earth ..."
+Here at the Phone Company, we serve all kinds of people;
+from Presidents and Kings to the scum of the earth ...
%
Here comes the orator, with his flood of words and his drop of reason.
%
%
Human cardiac catheterization was introduced by Werner Forssman in 1929.
Ignoring his department chief, and tying his assistant to an operating
-table to prevent her interference, he placed a ureteral catheter into
+table to prevent her interference, he placed a urethral catheter into
a vein in his arm, advanced it to the right atrium [of his heart], and
walked upstairs to the x-ray department where he took the confirmatory
x-ray film. In 1956, Dr. Forssman was awarded the Nobel Prize.
You're going to be roped! And you're going to be caged! And, as for your
dust speck... Hah! That we shall boil in a hot steaming kettle of Beezle-But
oil!"
- -- Dr. Seuss "Horton Hears a Who"
+ -- Dr. Seuss, "Horton Hears a Who"
%
Humpty Dumpty sat on the wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall!
What are our schools for if not indoctrination against Communism?
-- Richard Nixon
%
-I also believe that academic freedom should protect the right of a
-professor or student to advocate Marxism, socialism, communism, or any
-other minority viewpoint -- no matter how distasteful to the majority.
- -- Richard M. Nixon
-
-What are our schools for if not indoctrination against Communism?
- -- Richard M. Nixon
-%
I always choose my friends for their good looks and my enemies for their
good intellects. Man cannot be too careful in his choice of enemies.
-- Oscar Wilde, "The Picture of Dorian Gray"
was done by children. All the paintings were hung on refrigerators.
-- Steven Wright
%
-I am, in point of fact, a particularly haughty and exclusive person, of
-pre-Adamite ancestral descent. You will understand this when I tell you
-that I can trace my ancestry back to a protoplasmal primordial atomic
-globule. Consequently, my family pride is something inconceivable. I
-can't help it. I was born sneering.
- -- Pooh-Bah, "The Mikado"
-%
-"I am, in point of fact, a particularly haughty and exclusive person,
+I am, in point of fact, a particularly haughty and exclusive person,
of pre-Adamite ancestral descent. You will understand this when I tell
you that I can trace my ancestry back to a protoplasmal primordial
atomic globule. Consequently, my family pride is something
-inconceivable. I can't help it. I was born sneering."
+inconceivable. I can't help it. I was born sneering.
-- Pooh-Bah, "The Mikado", Gilbert & Sullivan
%
I am just a nice, clean-cut Mongolian boy.
a visit to a London veterans hospital
%
I bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house.
- -- Stephen Wright
+ -- Steven Wright
%
I brake for chezlogs!
%
true."
-- Harry S. Truman
%
-"I can resist anything but temptation."
+I can resist anything but temptation.
%
I can see him a'comin'
With his big boots on,
and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.
-- A. J. Liebling
%
-"I cannot and will not cut my conscience to fit this year's fashions."
+I cannot and will not cut my conscience to fit this year's fashions.
-- Lillian Hellman
%
I cannot believe that God plays dice with the cosmos.
%
I can't understand it. I can't even understand the people who can
understand it.
- -- Queen Juliana of the Netherlands.
+ -- Queen Juliana of the Netherlands
%
I can't understand why a person will take a year or two to write a
novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars.
I'm frightened of the old ones.
-- John Cage
%
+"I changed my headlights the other day. I put in strobe lights
+instead! Now when I drive at night, it looks like everyone else is
+standing still ..."
+ -- Steven Wright
+%
I collect rare photographs... I have two... One of Houdini locking his
keys in his car... the other is a rare picture of Norman Rockwell beating
up a child.
- -- Stephen Wright
+ -- Steven Wright
%
I come from a small town whose population never changed. Each time
a woman got pregnant, someone left town.
-- Chauncey Depew
%
I get up each morning, gather my wits.
- Pick up the paper, read the obits.
-If I'm not there I know I'm not dead.
- So I eat a good breakfast and go back to bed.
-%
-I get up each morning, gather my wits.
Pick up the paper, read the obits.
If I'm not there I know I'm not dead.
So I eat a good breakfast and go back to bed.
I'll give it to you straight. I gave all of the money to my friend Slick,
and with it he built a nuclear weapon... and I would appreciate it you never
called me again."
- -- Stephen Wright
+ -- Steven Wright
%
I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now
when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer and
I have a dog; I named him Stay. So when I'd go to call him, I'd say, "Here,
Stay, here..." but he got wise to that. Now when I call him he ignores me
and just keeps on typing.
- -- Stephen Wright
+ -- Steven Wright
%
I have a dream. I have a dream that one day, on the red hills of Georgia,
the sons of former slaves and the sons of former slaveowners will be able to
I have a friend whose a billionaire. He invented Cliff's notes. When
I asked him how he got such a great idea he said, "Well first I...
I just... to make a long story short..."
- -- Stephen Wright
+ -- Steven Wright
%
I have a hard time being attracted to anyone who can beat me up.
-- John McGrath, Atlanta sportswriter, on women weightlifters
Not at all like proper children, which is always very slow;
For he sometimes shoots up taller, like an india-rubber ball,
And he sometimes gets so little that there's none of him at all.
- -- R. L. Stevenson
+ -- Robert Louis Stevenson
%
I have a map of the United States. It's actual size.
I spent last summer folding it.
I do believe that is a record.
-- Dylan Thomas, his last words
%
-"I have just read your lousy review buried in the back pages. You
+I have just read your lousy review buried in the back pages. You
sound like a frustrated old man who never made a success, an
eight-ulcer man on a four-ulcer job, and all four ulcers working. I
have never met you, but if I do you'll need a new nose and plenty of
beefsteak and perhaps a supporter below. Westbrook Pegler, a
guttersnipe, is a gentleman compared to you. You can take that as more
-of an insult than as a reflection on your ancestry."
+of an insult than as a reflection on your ancestry.
-- Harry S. Truman
%
I have learned silence from the talkative,
Steve Jobs said two years ago that X is brain-damaged and it will be
gone in two years. He was half right.
- -- Dennis Ritchie
+ -- Dennis M. Ritchie
Dennis Ritchie is twice as bright as Steve Jobs, and only half wrong.
-- Jim Gettys
for the purpose of maturing an engine of almost intellectual power, and
after expending from my own private fortune a larger sum than the government
of England has spent on that machine, the execution of which it only
-commenced, I have received neither an acknowledgement of my labors, not even
+commenced, I have received neither an acknowledgement of my labors, nor even
the offer of those honors or rewards which are allowed to fall within the
reach of men who devote themselves to purely scientific investigations...
If the work upon which I have bestowed so much time and thought were
-- Charles Babbage, "The Life of a Philosopher"
%
I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.
- -- Kehlog Albran
-%
-"I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer."
-- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
%
I have seen the Great Pretender and he is not what he seems.
week sometimes to make it up."
-- Mark Twain, "The Innocents Abroad"
%
-I must have slipped a disk -- my pack hurts
+I must have slipped a disk -- my pack hurts!
%
I myself have dreamed up a structure intermediate between Dyson spheres
and planets. Build a ring 93 million miles in radius -- one Earth orbit
places they do today.
-- Will Rogers
%
-"I never fail to convince an audience that the best thing they could do
-was to go away."
-%
I never failed to convince an audience that the best thing they
could do was to go away.
%
will be happy.
-- Thomas Jefferson
%
-I played lead guitar in a band called The Federal Duck, which is the kind
-of name that was popular in the '60s as a result of controlled substances
-being in widespread use. Back then, there were no restrictions, in terms
-of talent, on who could make an album, so we made one, and it sounds like
-a group of people who have been given powerful but unfamiliar instruments
-as a therapy for a degenerative nerve disease.
- -- Dave Barry
-%
-"I played lead guitar in a band called The Federal Duck, which is the
+I played lead guitar in a band called The Federal Duck, which is the
kind of name that was popular in the '60s as a result of controlled
substances being in widespread use. Back then, there were no
restrictions, in terms of talent, on who could make an album, so we
made one, and it sounds like a group of people who have been given
powerful but unfamiliar instruments as a therapy for a degenerative
-nerve disease."
+nerve disease.
-- Dave Barry, "The Snake"
%
I pledge allegiance to the flag
%
I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats
on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
- -- Stephen Wright
+ -- Steven Wright
%
I put instant coffee in my microwave oven and almost went back in time.
- -- Stephen Wright
+ -- Steven Wright
%
I put the shotgun in an Adidas bag and padded it out with four pairs of
tennis socks, not my style at all, but that was what I was aiming for: If
flick that switch up and down... up and down... up and down...
Then one day I got a letter from a woman in Germany... it just said
"Cut it out."
- -- Stephen Wright
+ -- Steven Wright
%
I recognize terror as the finest emotion and so I will try to terrorize the
reader. But if I find that I cannot terrify, I will try to horrify, and if
-- Stephen Crane
%
I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
- -- Stephen Wright
+ -- Steven Wright
%
I saw Lassie. It took me four shows to figure out why the hairy kid
never spoke. I mean, he could roll over and all that, but did that
-- J. C. Fogerty, "Bad Moon Rising"
%
I see a good deal of talk from Washington about lowering taxes. I hope
-they do get 'em lowered enough so people can afford to pay 'em.
+they do get 'em lowered down enough so people can afford to pay 'em.
-- Will Rogers
%
I see the eigenvalue in thine eye,
it is plausible or not. The victor will not be asked afterwards whether
he told the truth or not. When starting and waging war it is not right
that matters, but victory.
- -- Adolph Hitler
+ -- Adolf Hitler
%
I shot an arrow in to the air, and it stuck.
-- graffito in Los Angeles
-- Oscar Wilde
%
I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
- -- Stephen Wright
+ -- Steven Wright
%
"I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full
house and four people died."
"When paying tolls, remember that it is necessary to release the
quarter a full 3 seconds before passing the basket if you are
traveling more than 60 MPH."
-
-[110.13]:
- "When traveling on a one-way street, stay to the right, so as not
- to interfere with oncoming traffic."
%
I suppose some of the variation between Boston drivers and the rest of the
country is due to the progressive Massachusetts Driver Education Manual which
But I will trick those dirty skunks
And write a brand new poem called "Trunks".
%
-"I think the sky is blue because it's a shift from black through purple
+I think the sky is blue because it's a shift from black through purple
to blue, and it has to do with where the light is. You know, the
farther we get into darkness, and there's a shifting of color of light
into the blueness, and I think as you go farther and farther away from
off this earth, uh, the darker it gets ... I think if you look at the
color scale, you start at black, move it through purple, move it on
out, it's the shifting of color. We mentioned before about the stars
-singing, and that's one of the effects of the shifting of colors."
+singing, and that's one of the effects of the shifting of colors.
-- Pat Robertson, The 700 Club
%
I think the world is ready for the story of an ugly duckling, who grew up to
One of them said, "So will you."
-- Rodney Dangerfield
%
-I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in
-twenty minutes. It's about Russia.
- -- Woody Allen
-%
I took a course in speed reading, learning to read straight down the middle
of the page, and I was able to go through "War and Peace" in twenty minutes.
It's about Russia.
I just bought a microwave fireplace... You can spend an evening in
front of it in only eight minutes.
- -- Stephen Wright
+ -- Steven Wright
%
I understand why you're confused. You're thinking too much.
-- Carole Wallach
I put a new engine in my car, but didn't take the old one out. Now
my car goes 500 miles an hour.
- -- Stephen Wright
+ -- Steven Wright
%
I used to think I was a child; now I think I am an adult -- not because
I no longer do childish things, but because those I call adults are no
Then a rattlesnake bit me and he walked off and died.
-- Bo Diddley
%
-"I was drunk last night, crawled home across the lawn. By accident I
+I was drunk last night, crawled home across the lawn. By accident I
put the car key in the door lock. The house started up. So I figured
what the hell, and drove it around the block a few times. I thought I
should go park it in the middle of the freeway and yell at everyone to
-get off my driveway."
+get off my driveway.
-- Steven Wright
%
I was eatin' some chop suey,
buy things they don't need to impress people they dislike.
-- Emile Henry Gauvreay
%
-"I was playing poker the other night ... with Tarot cards. I got a full
-house and four people died."
+I was playing poker the other night ... with Tarot cards. I got a full
+house and four people died.
-- Steven Wright
%
I was the best I ever had.
Great song.
-- Fred Reuss
%
-"I went to a job interview the other day, the guy asked me if I had any
+I went to a job interview the other day, the guy asked me if I had any
questions, I said yes, just one, if you're in a car traveling at the
speed of light and you turn your headlights on, does anything happen?
%
I went to a place to eat. It said `BREAKFAST ANYTIME.' So I ordered
French toast during the Renaissance.
- -- Stephen Wright
+ -- Steven Wright
%
I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time."
So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
There's a knob called "brightness", but it doesn't seem to work.
-- Gallagher
%
-"I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence.
-There's a knob called `brightness', but it doesn't work."
- -- Gallagher
-%
-I wish there was a knob on the TV where you could turn up the
-intelligence. They've got one called brightness, but it doesn't
-seem to work.
- -- Gallagher
-%
I wish you humans would leave me alone.
%
I wish you were a Scotch on the rocks.
%
Identify your visitor.
%
-idiot box, n:
- The part of the envelope that tells a person where to place
- the stamp when they can't quite figure it out for themselves.
- -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
-%
Idiot Box, n.:
The part of the envelope that tells a person where to place the
stamp when they can't quite figure it out for themselves.
-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
%
-idiot, n:
- A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence
- in human affairs has always been dominant and controlling.
-%
Idiot, n.:
A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in human
affairs has always been dominant and controlling.
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again.
-- W. E. Hickson
%
-If at first you don't succeed, try try again. Then quit.
+If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit.
No use being a damn fool about it.
%
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again.
%
If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice?
%
-If preceded by a '-' , the timezone shall be east of the Prime
+If preceded by a '-', the timezone shall be east of the Prime
Meridian; otherwise, it shall be west (which may be indicated by
-an optional preceding '+' ).
+an optional preceding '+').
-- POSIX 2001
The "+" or "-" indicates whether the time-of-day is ahead of
-- Rene de Visme Williamson
%
If the automobile had followed the same development as the computer, a
-Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per per gallon,
+Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon,
and explode once a year killing everyone inside.
-- Robert Cringely, InfoWorld
%
If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that
will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.
%
-If there is a possibility of several things going wrong,
-the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.
-
-If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which a procedure
-can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way will promptly develop.
-%
If there is a sin against life, it consists perhaps not so much in despairing
of life as in hoping for another life and in eluding the implacable grandeur
of this life.
have let me in on it by now. I contribute enough to the shule.
-- Saul Goodman
%
-If there was in justice in the world, "trust" would be a four-letter word.
+If there was any justice in the world, "trust" would be a four-letter word.
%
If there were a school for, say, sheet metal workers, that after three
years left its graduates as unprepared for their careers as does law
-- Attorney General William Saxbe
%
If things don't improve soon, you'd better ask them to stop helping you.
-It's not time yet.
%
If this fortune didn't exist, somebody would have invented it.
%
If this is timesharing, give me my share right now.
+It's not time yet.
%
If time heals all wounds, how come the belly button stays the same?
%
If two men agree on everything, you may be sure that one of them is
doing the thinking.
-- Lyndon B. Johnson
+%
+If two men agree on everything, you may be sure that one of them is
+doing the thinking.
+ -- Lyndon B. Johnson
Jerry Ford is a nice guy, but he played too much football with his
helmet off.
itself to going to bed each night by the light of a Communist moon.
-- Lyndon B. Johnson
%
-If two men agree on everything, you may be sure that one of them is
-doing the thinking.
- -- Lyndon Baines Johnson
-%
If two people love each other, there can be no happy end to it.
-- Ernest Hemingway
%
If you are afraid of loneliness, don't marry.
-- Anton Chekov
%
-If you are afraid of loneliness, don't marry.
- -- Chekhov
-%
If you are going to walk on thin ice, you may as well dance.
%
If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are real
words.
-- Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life"
%
-If you are of the opinion that the contemplation of suicide is
-sufficient evidence of a poetic nature, do not forget that actions
-speak louder than words.
- -- Fran Lebowitz
-%
If you are over 80 years old and accompanied
by your parents, we will cash your check.
%
%
If you think the United States has stood still, who built the largest
shopping center in the world?
- -- Richard M. Nixon
-%
-If you think the United States has stood still,
-who built the largest shopping center in the world?
-- Richard Nixon
%
If you think things can't get worse it's probably only because you
I'll burn my books.
-- Christopher Marlowe
%
-"I'll carry your books, I'll carry a tune, I'll carry on, carry over,
+I'll carry your books, I'll carry a tune, I'll carry on, carry over,
carry forward, Cary Grant, cash & carry, Carry Me Back To Old Virginia,
-I'll even Hara Kari if you show me how, but I will *not* carry a gun."
+I'll even Hara Kari if you show me how, but I will *not* carry a gun.
-- Hawkeye, M*A*S*H
%
I'll defend to the death your right to say that, but I never said I'd
I'm a Lisp variable -- bind me!
%
I'm a lucky guy, and I'm happy to be with the Yankees. And I want to
- thank everyone for making this night necessary.
+thank everyone for making this night necessary.
-- Yogi Berra at a dinner in his honor
%
"I'm all for computer dating, but I wouldn't want one to marry my
-- Oscar Wilde, his last words, while sipping champagne
%
"I'm dying," he croaked.
-"My experiment was a success," the chemist retorted .
+"My experiment was a success," the chemist retorted.
"You can't really train a beagle," he dogmatized.
"That's no beagle, it's a mongrel," she muttered.
"The fire is going out," he bellowed.
I'm hungry, time to eat lunch.
%
I'm in Pittsburgh. Why am I here?
- -- Harold Urey
-%
-"I'm in Pittsburgh. Why am I here?"
-- Harold Urey, Nobel Laureate
%
I'm just as sad as sad can be!
I'm getting traversed by the parser next door,
She's traversed me seven times before.
And ev'ry time it was an N-ary (N-ary!)
-Never wouldn't ever do a binary. (No sir!)
+Never wouldn't ever do a binary. (No sir!)
I'm 'er eighth tree that was N-ary.
N-ary the tree I am, I am,
N-ary the tree I am.
- Stolen from Paul Revere and the Raiders
+ -- Stolen from Paul Revere and the Raiders
%
I'm not a lovable man.
-- Richard Nixon
I know the scientific names of beings animalculous;
In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral,
I am the very model of a modern Major-General.
- -- Gilbert & Sullivan, "Pirates of Penzance"
+ -- Gilbert & Sullivan, "The Pirates of Penzance"
%
I'm very old-fashioned. I believe that people should marry for life,
like pigeons and Catholics.
%
In just seven days, I can make you a man!
-- The Rocky Horror Picture Show
- [ (and seven nights...) Ed.]
+ [ (and seven nights...) Ed.]
%
In less than a century, computers will be making substantial
progress on ... the overriding problem of war and peace.
In specifications, Murphy's Law supersedes Ohm's.
%
In spite of everything, I still believe that people are good at heart.
- -- Ann Frank
+ -- Anne Frank
%
In success there's a tendency to keep on doing what you were doing.
-- Alan Kay
is dedicated to coffee, angst, potholes and coffee.
-- Carolyn Jones
%
-Indifference will be the downfall of mankind, but who cares?
-%
Indifference will certainly be the downfall of mankind, but who cares?
%
Individualists unite!
afterward.
-- Ambrose Bierce
%
-Infidel: In New York, one who does not believe in the
-Christian religion; in Constantinople, one who does.
- -- Ambrose Bierce
+Infidel, n.:
+ In New York, one who does not believe in the Christian religion;
+ in Constantinople, one who does.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
Inform all the troops that communications have completely broken down.
%
-Information Center:
- A room staffed by professional computer people whose job it is to
- tell you why you cannot have the information you require.
-%
Information Center, n.:
A room staffed by professional computer people whose job it is
to tell you why you cannot have the information you require.
best at, that's what I say.
-- Doctor Who
%
-INTERPRETER:
+Interpreter, n.:
One who enables two persons of different languages to understand
each other by repeating to each what it would have been to the
interpreter's advantage for the other to have said.
-%
-Interpreter, n.:
- One who enables two persons of different languages to
-understand each other by repeating to each what it would have been to
-the interpreter's advantage for the other to have said.
-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
Into love and out again,
It was sad, oh so sad.
-- Ted Nugent, "The Great White Buffalo"
%
-It happened that a fire broke out backstage in a theater. The clown came
-out to inform the public. They thought it was just a jest and applauded.
-He repeated his warning, they shouted even louder. So I think the world
-will come to an end amid general applause from all the wits, who believe
-that it is a joke.
-%
It happened that a fire broke out backstage in a theater. The clown
came out to inform the public. They thought it was just a jest and
applauded. He repeated his warning, they shouted even louder. So I
drawn the inference that the nose is devoid of the sense of smell.
-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
-It has been observed that one's nose is never so happy as when it
-is thrust into the affairs of another, from which some physiologists
-have drawn the inference that the nose is devoid of the sense of smell.
- -- Ambrose Bierce
-%
It has been said [by Anatole France], "it is not by amusing oneself
that one learns," and, in reply: "it is *____\b\b\b\bonly* by amusing oneself that
one can learn."
competence will be quite enough.
-- The Underground Grammarian
%
-It has long been an axiom of mine that the little things are infinitely
-the most important.
- -- Sherlock Holmes
-%
It has long been an axiom of mine that the
little things are infinitely the most important.
-- Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, "A Case of Identity"
it was. He was right on both counts. Moreover, the lack of conceptual
integrity made the system far more costly to build and change, and I would
estimate that it added a year to debugging time.
- -- Frederick Brooks Jr., "The Mythical Man Month"
+ -- Frederick Brooks Jr., "The Mythical Man-Month"
%
It is a wise father that knows his own child.
-- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"
%
It is difficult to legislate morality in the absence of moral legislators.
%
-It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both incisive
-and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by twelve dancing
-rabbits singing about toilet paper.
- -- R. Serling
-%
It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both
incisive and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by
twelve dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper.
lightly greased.
-- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
%
-It is easier for a camel to pass through the
-eye of a needle if it is lightly greased.
- -- Kehlog Albran
-%
It is easier to be a "humanitarian" than to render your own country its
proper due; it is easier to be a "patriot" than to make your community
a better place to live in; it is easier to be a "civic leader" than to
%
It is not enough that I should succeed. Others must fail.
-- Ray Kroc, founder of McDonald's
- [Also attributed to David Merrick. Ed.]
+ [Also attributed to David Merrick. Ed.]
It is not enough to succeed. Others must fail.
-- Gore Vidal
- [Great minds think alike? Ed.]
+ [Great minds think alike? Ed.]
%
It is not enough to have a good mind.
The main thing is to use it well.
-- Hawkwind
%
It is the nature of extreme self-lovers, as they will
-set an house on fire, and it were but to roast their eggs.
+set a house on fire, and it were but to roast their eggs.
-- Francis Bacon
%
It is the quality rather than the quantity that matters.
-- Aviation Week and Space Technology
%
It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing,
-but I couldn't give up because by that time I was too famous.
+but I couldn't give it up because by that time I was too famous.
-- Robert Benchley
%
It turned out that the worm exploited three or four different holes in the
It's all right letting yourself go as long as you can let yourself back.
-- Mick Jagger
%
-"It's all so painfully empty and lonesome... I don't think I can stand
+It's all so painfully empty and lonesome... I don't think I can stand
any more of it... the whole dreadful way we are born, die, and are
never missed. The fact there is *nobody*... nobody really... We come
out of a yawning tomb of flesh and sink back finally into another tomb.
flesh and blood? We come into the world bleeding and cut and our bones
half-crushed only to emerge and suffer more torment, mutilation, and
then at the last lie down in some hole in the ground forever. Who could
-have thought it up, I wonder?"
+have thought it up, I wonder?
-- James Purdy
%
It's always a long day; 86400 doesn't fit into a short.
-- Henny Youngman
%
I've got some powdered water, but I don't know what to add.
- -- Stephen Wright
+ -- Steven Wright
%
I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.
-- Groucho Marx
%
I've only got 12 cards.
%
-"I've seen better heads on half a pint of beer."
+I've seen better heads on half a pint of beer.
%
-"I've seen, I SAY, I've seen better heads on a mug of beer"
+I've seen, I SAY, I've seen better heads on a mug of beer.
-- Senator Claghorn
%
I've spent almost all of my life with highly intelligent men. They're not
Jone's Motto:
Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate.
%
-Jones's First Law:
- Anyone who makes a significant contribution to any field of
-endeavor, and stays in that field long enough, becomes an obstruction
-to its progress -- in direct proportion to the importance of their
-original contribution.
-%
Joshu: What is the true Way?
Nansen: Every way is the true Way.
J: Can I study it?
%
Just close your eyes, tap your heels together three times,
and think to yourself, `There's no place like home.'
- -- Glynda
+ -- Billie Burke as Glinda, "The Wizard of Oz"
%
Just give Alice some pencils and she will stay busy for hours.
%
That alone should encourage the crew.
Just the place for a Snark! I have said it thrice:
What I tell you three times is true.'
+ -- Lewis Carroll, "The Hunting of the Snark"
%
Just think -- blessed SCSI cables! Do a big enough sacrifice and create
a +5 blessed SCSI cable of connectivity.
Frisbee will invariably bounce out of your hand or hit you
in the head and knock you silly.
%
-Keep in mind always the two constant Laws of Frisbee:
- (1) The most powerful force in the world is that of a disc
- straining to land under a car, just out of reach (this
- force is technically termed "car suck").
- (2) Never precede any maneuver by a comment more predictive
- than "Watch this!"
-%
Keep it short for pithy sake.
%
Keep on keepin' on.
Open it and you remove all doubt.
%
Ken Thompson has an automobile which he helped design. Unlike most
-automobiles, it has neither speedometer, nor gas gage, nor any of the
+automobiles, it has neither speedometer, nor gas gauge, nor any of the
numerous idiot lights which plague the modern driver. Rather, if the
driver makes any mistake, a giant "?" lights up in the center of the
dashboard. "The experienced driver", he says, "will usually know
Kramer's Law:
You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the tracks.
%
-Kramer's Law:
-You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the track.
-%
-KROGT:
- (chemical symbol: Kr) The metallic silver coating found
- on fast-food game cards.
- -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
-%
Krogt, n. (chemical symbol: Kr):
The metallic silver coating found on fast-food game cards.
-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
One of the processes by which A acquires property for B.
-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
-Labor, n:
- One of the processes whereby A acquires property for B.
- -- Ambrose Bierce
-%
Lack of capability is usually disguised by lack of interest.
%
Lack of money is the root of all evil.
La-dee-dee, la-dee-dah.
%
Ladies and Gentlemen, Hobos and Tramps,
-Cross-eyed mosquitoes and bowlegged ants,
+Cross-eyed mosquitos and bowlegged ants,
I come before you to stand behind you
To tell you of something I know nothing about.
Next Thursday (which is good Friday),
%
Last night the power went out. Good thing my camera had a flash....
The neighbors thought it was lightning in my house, so they called the cops.
- -- Stephen Wright
+ -- Steven Wright
%
"Last week a cop stopped me in my car. He asked me if I had a police
record. I said, no, but I have the new DEVO album. Cops have no sense
Last year we drove across the country... We switched on the driving...
every half mile. We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip.
I don't remember what it was.
- -- Stephen Wright
+ -- Steven Wright
%
Last yeer I kudn't spel Engineer. Now I are won.
%
%
Let he who takes the plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.
%
-Let He who taketh the Plunge Remember to return it by Tuesday.
-%
Let him choose out of my files, his projects to accomplish.
-- William Shakespeare, "Coriolanus"
%
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
If this be error and upon me proved,
I never writ, nor no man ever loved.
+ -- William Shakespeare, Sonnet CXVI
%
Let me put it this way: today is going to be a learning experience.
%
-- Charles Dickens
%
Let the machine do the dirty work.
- -- "Elements of Programming Style", Kernighan and Ritchie
+ -- Kernighan and Plauger, "The Elements of Programming Style"
%
Let the meek inherit the earth -- they have it coming to them.
-- James Thurber
end. For the first time, I found that I really could change, and the
qualities I most admired in myself I gave up. I stopped being loud and
bossy ... Oh, all right. I was still loud and bossy, but only behind
-his back."
+his back.
-- Kate Hepburn, on Tracy and Hepburn
%
Let's love each other slowly,
unfortunately you won't be one of them. Consider not getting out
of bed today.
%
-LIE:
- A very poor substitute for the truth,
- but the only one discovered to date.
-%
Lie, n.:
A very poor substitute for the truth, but the only one
discovered to date.
Lieberman's Law:
Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
%
-Lieberman's Law:
-Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter, cuz nobody listens.
-%
Lies! All lies! You're all lying against my boys!
-- Ma Barker
%
one layer at a time, and sometimes you weep.
-- Carl Sandburg
%
-Life is like an onion: you peel off layer after layer, then you find
-there is nothing in it.
-%
Life is like an onion: you peel off layer after
layer and then you find there is nothing in it.
-- James Huneker
%
Live never to be ashamed if anything you do or say is
published around the world -- even if what is published is not true.
- -- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul
+ -- Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul
%
Live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so.
-- Josh Billings
Nibble at they tiny feet.
-- Kliban
%
-Love to eat them mousies,
-Mousies what I love to eat.
-Bite they little heads off,
-Nibble on they tiny feet.
- -- Kliban
-%
-Love to eat them mousies;
-Mousies what I love to eat.
-Bite they tiny heads off,
-Nibble on they tiny feet!
- -- Kilban
-%
Love, which is quickly kindled in a gentle heart,
seized this one for the fair form
that was taken from me-and the way of it afflicts me still.
Macho does not prove mucho.
-- Zsa Zsa Gabor
%
-MAD:
- Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence.
-%
Mad, adj.:
- Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence ...
+ Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence.
-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
Madam, there's no such thing as a tough child -- if you parboil them
%
Magic is always the best solution -- especially reliable magic.
%
-Magnet, n.: Something acted upon by magnetism.
-
-Magnetism, n.: Something acting upon a magnet.
-
-The two preceding definitions are condensed from the works of one
-thousand eminent scientists, who have illuminated the subject with a
-great white light, to the inexpressible advancement of human knowledge.
-%
-Magnet, n.: Something acted upon by magnetism.
+Magnet, n.: Something acted upon by magnetism
Magnetism, n.: Something acting upon a magnet.
knowledge.
-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
-MAGNOCARTIC:
- Any automobile that, when left unattended, attracts shopping carts.
- -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
-%
Magnocartic, adj.:
Any automobile that, when left unattended, attracts shopping
carts.
-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
%
-MAGPIE:
+Magpie, n.:
A bird whose thievish disposition suggested
to someone that it might be taught to talk.
- -- Ambrose Bierce
-%
-Magpie, n.:
- A bird whose thievish disposition suggested to someone that it
-might be taught to talk.
-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
MAIDEN AUNT:
the part of her that is audible, beaten out of the field by the
canary -- which, also, is more portable.
-Male, n:
+Male, n.:
A member of the unconsidered, or negligible sex. The male of the
human race is commonly known to the female as Mere Man. The genus
has two varieties: good providers and bad providers.
- -- Ambrose Bierce
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
Maier's Law:
If the facts do not conform to the theory, they must be disposed
all the dolphins had ever done was muck about in the water having a good
time. But, conversely, the dolphins had always believed that they were
far more intelligent than man -- for precisely the same reasons.
- -- Douglas Adams, "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
+ -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
%
Man has made his bedlam; let him lie in it.
-- Fred Allen
Matter cannot be created or destroyed, nor can it be returned without a
receipt.
%
+[Maturity consists in the discovery that] there comes a critical moment
+where everything is reversed, after which the point becomes to understand
+more and more that there is something which cannot be understood.
+ -- S. A. Kierkegaard
+%
Maturity is only a short break in adolescence.
-- Jules Feiffer
%
%
Meester, do you vant to buy a duck?
%
-Meeting:
- An assembly of computer experts coming together to decide what
- person or department not represented in the room must solve the
- problem.
-%
-Meeting, n.:
+meeting, n:
An assembly of people coming together to decide what person or
department not represented in the room must solve a problem.
%
%
Misfortunes arrive on wings and leave on foot.
%
-MISS:
+Miss, n.:
A title with which we brand unmarried
women to indicate that they are in the market.
-%
-Miss, n.:
- A title with which we brand unmarried women to indicate that
-they are in the market.
-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
-Mistakes are oft the stepping stones to utter failure.
-%
Mistakes are often the stepping stones to utter failure.
%
Mistrust first impulses; they are always right.
Any simple problem can be made insoluble if enough meetings are
held to discuss it.
%
-mittsquinter, adj:
+mittsquinter, adj.:
A ballplayer who looks into his glove after missing the ball, as
if, somehow, the cause of the error lies there.
-- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
woke the bruiser, and Moishe, his heart in his mouth, rose to the occasion.
"Feeling better now?" he asked solicitously.
%
-MOLECULE:
+Molecule, n.:
The ultimate, indivisible unit of matter. It is distinguished from
the corpuscle, also the ultimate, indivisible unit of matter, by a
closer resemblance to the atom, also the ultimate, indivisible unit
of matter... The ion differs from the molecule, the corpuscle and
the atom in that it is an ion...
-%
-Molecule, n.:
- The ultimate, indivisible unit of matter. It is distinguished
-from the corpuscle, also the ultimate, indivisible unit of matter, by a
-closer resemblance to the atom, also the ultimate, indivisible unit of
-matter ... The ion differs from the molecule, the corpuscle and the
-atom in that it is an ion ...
-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
Mollison's Bureaucracy Hypothesis:
When they finally do have to take you to the
hospital, your underwear won't be clean or new.
%
-MONDAY:
- In Christian countries, the day after the football game.
- -- Ambrose Bierce
-%
Monday is an awful way to spend one seventh of your life.
%
Monday, n.:
In Christian countries, the day after the baseball game.
-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
+Monday, n.:
+ In Christian countries, the day after the football game.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
Money and women are the most sought after and the least known of any two
things we have.
-- The Best of Will Rogers
Most people have a furious itch to talk about themselves and are restrained
only by the disinclination of others to listen. Reserve is an artificial
quality that is developed in most of us as the result of innumerable rebuffs.
- -- W. S. Maugham
+ -- W. Somerset Maugham
%
Most people have a mind that's open by appointment only.
%
But all too late, for they were gone, and he had started on his dong...
"Oh! foolish child!" the father mourns "You could have deep-fried that
with prawns,
-Some parsley and and some tartar sauce..."
+Some parsley and some tartar sauce..."
But H. was on his second course: his liver and his lights and lung,
His ears, his neck, his chin, his tongue; "To think I raised him from the cot,
And now he's going to scoff the lot!"
133,491,850,208,566,925,016,658,299,941,583,225!" An electronic
computer might do the job a little faster but it wouldn't be as much
fun to watch.
- -- James R. Newman (The World of Mathematics)
+ -- James R. Newman, "The World of Mathematics"
%
MUMMY:
An Egyptian who was pressed for time.
Must I hold a candle to my shames?
-- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"
%
-MUSTGO:
- Any item of food that has been sitting in the
- refrigerator so long it has become a science project.
- -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
-%
Mustgo, n.:
Any item of food that has been sitting in the refrigerator so
long it has become a science project.
- -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
+ -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
%
My advice to you, my violent friend, is to seek out gold and sit on it.
-- The Dragon to Grendel, in John Gardner's "Grendel"
My experience with government is when things are non-controversial,
beautifully co-ordinated and all the rest, it must be that not much
is going on.
- -- J. F. Kennedy
+ -- John F. Kennedy
%
My family history begins with me, but yours ends with you.
-- Iphicrates
%
My friend has a baby. I'm writing down all the noises he makes so
later I can ask him what he meant.
- -- Stephen Wright
+ -- Steven Wright
%
My geometry teacher was sometimes acute, and sometimes obtuse,
but always, always, he was right.
That's the funniest joke in the world.
-- Muhammad Ali
%
-"My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies"
+My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies.
%
Mystics always hope that science will some day overtake them.
-- Booth Tarkington
Sit on a potato pan, Otis.
-- The Mad Palindromist
%
-NAPOLEON: What shall we do with this soldier, Guiseppe? Everything he
+NAPOLEON: What shall we do with this soldier, Giuseppe? Everything he
says is wrong.
-GUISEPPE: Make him a general, Excellency, and then everything he says
+GIUSEPPE: Make him a general, Excellency, and then everything he says
will be right.
-- George Bernard Shaw, "The Man of Destiny"
%
-narcolepulacyi, n:
+Narcolepulacyi, n.:
The contagious action of yawning, causing everyone in sight
to also yawn.
-- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
%
New crypt. See /usr/news/crypt.
%
-New England Life, of course. Why?
-%
New England Life, of course. Why do you ask?
%
New Hampshire law forbids you to tap your feet, nod your head, or in
New York.
-- Simon and Garfunkel
%
-New York's got the ways and means, just won't let you be.
-%
New York's got the ways and means;
Just won't let you be.
-- The Grateful Dead
Your best dreams may not come true;
fortunately, neither will your worst dreams.
%
-Newpaper editors are men who separate the wheat from the chaff, and then
-print the chaff.
- -- Adlai Stevenson
-%
NEWS FLASH!!
Today the East German pole-vault champion became the West
German pole-vault champion.
1700 N. 17th St. this morning to see if the elevator was on its way down.
It was. Age 31.
%
+Newspaper editors are men who separate the wheat from the chaff, and then
+print the chaff.
+ -- Adlai Stevenson
+%
Newton's Fourth Law: Every action has an equal and opposite satisfaction.
%
Newton's Little-Known Seventh Law:
-- Sidney
%
"No job too big; no fee too big!"
- -- Dr. Peter Venkman, "Ghost-busters"
+ -- Dr. Peter Venkman, "Ghostbusters"
%
No line available at 300 baud.
%
No problem is insoluble in all conceivable circumstances.
%
No problem is so formidable that you can't just walk away from it.
-%
-No problem is so formidable that you can't just walk away from it.
-- C. Schulz
%
No problem is so large it can't be fit in somewhere.
"Just change one instruction." He's just working late."
-- The Perfect Programmer
%
-"No proper program contains an indication which as an operator-applied
+No proper program contains an indication which as an operator-applied
occurrence identifies an operator-defining occurrence which as an
indication-applied occurrence identifies an indication-defining
occurrence different from the one identified by the given indication as
-an indication-applied occurrence."
+an indication-applied occurrence.
-- ALGOL 68 Report
%
No question is so difficult as one to which the answer is obvious.
%
Noncombatant, n.:
A dead Quaker.
- -- Ambrose Bierce
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
Non-Determinism is not meant to be reasonable.
-- M. J. 0'Donnell
intentions. He had money as well.
-- Margaret Thatcher
%
-Norbert Weiner was the subject of many dotty professor stories. Weiner was, in
+Norbert Wiener was the subject of many dotty professor stories. Wiener was, in
fact, very absent minded. The following story is told about him: when they
moved from Cambridge to Newton his wife, knowing that he would be absolutely
useless on the move, packed him off to MIT while she directed the move. Since
had moved, that he had no idea where they had moved to, and that the piece of
paper with the address was long gone. Fortunately inspiration struck. There
was a young girl on the street and he conceived the idea of asking her where
-he had moved to, saying, "Excuse me, perhaps you know me. I'm Norbert Weiner
+he had moved to, saying, "Excuse me, perhaps you know me. I'm Norbert Wiener
and we've just moved. Would you know where we've moved to?" To which the
young girl replied, "Yes, Daddy, Mommy thought you would forget."
The capper to the story is that I asked his daughter (the girl in the
%
Nostalgia is living life in the past lane.
%
-Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
-%
Nostalgia just isn't what it used to be.
%
Not all men who drink are poets.
Not Hercules could have knock'd out his brains, for he had none.
-- William Shakespeare
%
-"Not only is this incomprehensible, but the ink is ugly and the paper
-is from the wrong kind of tree."
- -- Professor W., EECS, George Washington University
-%
Not only is this incomprehensible, but the ink is
ugly and the paper is from the wrong kind of tree.
- -- Professor, EECS, George Washington University
+ -- Professor W., EECS, George Washington University
I'm looking forward to working with you on this next year.
-- Professor, Harvard, on a senior thesis
repugnant to God as everything which is official; and why? because
the official is so impersonal and therefore the deepest insult
which can be offered to a personality.
- -- Soren Kierkegaard
+ -- S. A. Kierkegaard
%
Nothing recedes like success.
-- Walter Winchell
Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits.
-- Mark Twain
%
-Nothing succeeds like excess.
- -- Oscar Wilde
-%
Nothing succeeds like success.
-- Alexandre Dumas
%
When comes the revolution, things will be different --
not better, just different.
%
-Now and then an innocent man is sent to the legislature.
-%
Now and then an innocent person is sent to the legislature.
%
Now hatred is by far the longest pleasure;
We know his name and he mustn't get away.
We're on the road and we're gunning for the Buddha.
It would take one shot -- to blow him away...
- -- Shriekback, "Gunning for the Buddah"
+ -- Shriekback, "Gunning for the Buddha"
%
Nuclear powered vacuum cleaners will probably be a reality within 10 years.
-- Alex Lewyt (President of the Lewyt Corporation,
To grasp this sorry scheme of things entire,
Might we not smash it to bits
And mould it closer to our hearts' desire?
- -- Omar Khayyam, tr. FitzGerald
+ -- Omar Khayyam, tr. Fitzgerald
%
Oatmeal raisin.
%
The philosophical principle that even the simplest
solution is bound to have something wrong with it.
%
-OCCIDENT:
+Occident, n.:
The part of the world lying west (or east) of the Orient. It is
largely inhabited by Christians, powerful sub-tribe of the
Hypocrites, whose principal industries are murder and cheating,
which they are pleased to call "war" and "commerce." These, also,
are the principal industries of the Orient.
- -- Ambrose Bierce
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
OCEAN:
A body of water occupying about two-thirds
And of TV news, believe 25% -- make that 5% if the anchorman wears a
blazer.
%
-Office Automation:
+Office Automation, n.:
The use of computers to improve efficiency in the office
by removing anyone you would want to talk with over coffee.
%
-Office Automation, n.:
- The use of computers to improve efficiency by removing anyone
-you would want to talk with over coffee.
-%
Official Project Stages:
1. Uncritical Acceptance
2. Wild Enthusiasm
Tell you, I've been a-thinkin'
I could drive a shiny Lincoln,
If I dealt in good cocaine.
- -- To If I Only Had A Brain from "The Wizard of Oz"
+ -- To `If I Only Had A Brain' from "The Wizard of Oz"
%
Oh, I don't blame Congress. If I had $600 billion at my disposal, I'd
be irresponsible, too.
Indifferent to type of drink. Ex: "Oh, you can get me anything.
I'm omnibiblious."
%
-Omnibiblious, adj.:
- Indifferent to type of drink. "Oh, you can get me anything.
-I'm omnibiblious."
-%
OMNIVERSAL AWARENESS?? Oh, YEH!! First you need four GALLONS of
JELL-O and a BIG WRENCH!! ... I think you drop th' WRENCH in the JELL-O
as if it was a FLAVOR, or an INGREDIENT ... or ... I ... um ...
%
On Monday mornings I am dedicated to the proposition that all men are
created jerks.
- -- Avery
-%
-On Monday mornings I am dedicated to the proposition that all men are
-created jerks.
-- H. Allen Smith, "Let the Crabgrass Grow"
%
On Thanksgiving Day all over America, families sit down to dinner at the
Enough.
-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
-Once, adv.: Enough.
-%
Once again dread deed is done.
Canon sleeps,
his all-knowing eye shaded
The Herald regrets the errors."
-- "The Progressive", March, 1987
%
-Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each
-of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.
- In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians
-called it "Christmas" and went to church; the Jews called it "Hanukka" and
-went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People passing
-each other on the street would say "Merry Christmas!" or "Happy Hanukka!"
-or (to the atheists) "Look out for the wall!"
-...
- Once you're safely in the mall, you should tie your children to you
-with ropes so the other shoppers won't try to buy them. Holiday shoppers
-have been whipped into a frenzy by months of holiday advertisements, and
-they will buy anything small enough to stuff into a shopping bag. If your
-children object to being tied, threaten to take them to see Santa Claus;
-that ought to shut them up.
- -- Dave Barry
-%
Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that
each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his
choice.
Only kings, presidents, editors, and people with tapeworms have the right
to use the editorial "we".
%
-Only presidents, editors, and people with tapeworms have the right to
-use the editorial "we."
-%
Only someone with nothing to be sorry for
smiles back at the rear of an elephant.
%
to the light of disproof -- an intellectual disorder, yielding to no treatment
but death. It is hereditary, but not contagious.
%
-OPTIMIST:
+Optimist, n.:
+ A bagpiper with a beeper.
+%
+Optimist, n.:
A proponent of the belief that black is white.
A pessimist asked God for relief.
something -- the mortality of the optimist."
-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
-OPTIMIST:
+Optimist, n.:
Someone who goes down to the marriage
bureau to see if his license has expired.
%
-optimist, n:
- A bagpiper with a beeper.
-%
Optimization hinders evolution.
%
Or you or I must yield up his life to Ahrimanes. I would rather it were you.
Oregano, n.:
The ancient Italian art of pizza folding.
%
-OREGON:
- Eighty billion gallons of water with
- no place to go on Saturday night.
-%
Oregon, n.:
Eighty billion gallons of water with no place to go on Saturday
night.
(4) Pizza always burns the roof of your mouth.
%
paak, n: A stadium or inclosed playing field. To put or leave (a
- a vehicle) for a time in a certain location.
+ vehicle) for a time in a certain location.
patato, n: The starchy, edible tuber of a widely cultivated plant.
Septemba, n: The 9th month of the year.
shua, n: Having no doubt; certain.
Painting, n.:
The art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather, and
exposing them to the critic.
- -- Ambrose Bierce
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
Pandora's Rule:
Never open a box you didn't close.
in his grave if he knew about it.
-- "Datamation", January 15, 1984
%
-Pascal:
- A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his
- grave if he knew about it.
-%
Pascal is a language for children wanting to be naughty.
-- Dr. Kasi Ananthanarayanan
%
%
Peace is much more precious than a piece
of land... let there be no more wars.
- -- Mohammed Anwar Sadat, 1918-1981
+ -- Mohammed Anwar Sadat (1918-1981)
%
Peace, n.:
In international affairs, a period of cheating between two
sheet and one hanging off the edge of the bed.
-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
%
-pediddel:
+Pediddel, n.:
A car with only one working headlight.
-- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
%
%
People don't change; they only become more so.
%
-People don't make the same mistake twice -- they make it three times,
-four times...
-%
People don't usually make the same mistake twice -- they make it three
times, four time, five times...
%
-- R. W. Hamming
%
Pereant, inquit, qui ante nos nostra dixerunt.
-"Confound those who have said our remarks before us."
- -- Aelius Donatus
-%
-Pereant, inquit, qui ante nos nostra dixerunt.
[Confound those who have said our remarks before us.]
or
[May they perish who have expressed our bright ideas before us.]
(3) Things that tick are not always clocks.
(4) Suicide only works when you're bluffing.
%
-petribar:
+Petribar, n.:
Any sun-bleached prehistoric candy that has been sitting in
the window of a vending machine too long.
- -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
+ -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
%
Phasers locked on target, Captain.
%
Philadelphia is not dull -- it just seems so because it is next to
exciting Camden, New Jersey.
%
-Philadelphia is not dull -- it just seems so
-because it is next to exciting Camden, New Jersy.
-%
Philogyny recapitulates erogeny; erogeny recapitulates philogyny.
%
philosophy:
Photographing a volcano is just about
the most miserable thing you can do.
-- Robert B. Goodman
- [Who has clearly never tried to use a PDP-10. Ed.]
+ [Who has clearly never tried to use a PDP-10. Ed.]
%
Physically there is nothing to distinguish human society from the
farm-yard except that children are more troublesome and costly than
If Congress must do a painful thing,
the thing must be done in an odd-number year.
%
-"Picture the sun as the origin of two intersecting 6-dimensional
+Picture the sun as the origin of two intersecting 6-dimensional
hyperplanes from which we can deduce a certain transformational
-sequence which gives us the terminal velocity of a rubber duck ..."
+sequence which gives us the terminal velocity of a rubber duck ...
%
Piddle, twiddle, and resolve,
Not one damn thing do we solve.
Piece of cake!
-- G. S. Koblas
%
-pig, n:
- An animal (Porcus omnivorous) closely allied to the human race by
- the splendor and vivacity of its appetite, which, however, is
- inferior in scope, for it balks at pig.
- -- Ambrose Bierce
-%
Pig, n.:
An animal (Porcus omnivorous) closely allied to the human race
by the splendor and vivacity of its appetite, which, however, is
Please remain calm, it's no use both of
us being hysterical at the same time.
%
-Please stand for the Nation Anthem:
-
- O Canada
- Our home and native land
- True patriot love
- In all thy sons' command
- With glowing hearts we see thee rise
- The true north strong and free
- From far and wide, O Canada
- We stand on guard for thee
- God keep our land glorious and free
- O Canada we stand on guard for thee
- O Canada we stand on guard for thee
-
-Thank you. You may resume your seat.
-%
Please stand for the National Anthem:
Australian's all, let us rejoice,
%
Please stand for the National Anthem:
+ O Canada
+ Our home and native land
+ True patriot love
+ In all thy sons' command
+ With glowing hearts we see thee rise
+ The true north strong and free
+ From far and wide, O Canada
+ We stand on guard for thee
+ God keep our land glorious and free
+ O Canada we stand on guard for thee
+ O Canada we stand on guard for thee
+
+Thank you. You may resume your seat.
+%
+Please stand for the National Anthem:
+
Oh, say can you see by dawn's early light
What so proudly we hailed at the twilight's last gleaming?
Whose broad stripes and bright stars through the perilous fight
Politics makes strange bedfellows, and journalism makes strange politics.
-- Amy Gorin
%
-politics, n:
+Politics, n.:
A strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles.
The conduct of public affairs for private advantage.
- -- Ambrose Bierce
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
Pollyanna's Educational Constant:
The hyperactive child is never absent.
Half a pound of treacle
That's the way the chimney smokes
Pope Goestheveezl
-The square was finally cleared by armed carabineri with tears of
+The square was finally cleared by armed carabinieri with tears of
laughter streaming down their faces. The event set a record for
hilarious civic functions, smashing the previous record set when Baron
Hans Neizant B"\bompzidaize was elected Landburgher of K"\boln in 1653.
Potahto' Pictures Productions Presents:
THE TATERNATOR: Cyborg spud returns from the future to present-day
-McDonald's restaurant to kill the potatoess (girl 'tater) who will give birth
+McDonald's restaurant to kill the potatoes (girl 'tater) who will give birth
to the world's largest french fry (The Dark Powers of Burger King are clearly
behind this). Most quotable line: "Ah'll be baked..."
-- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967)
%
Power corrupts. Absolute power is kind of neat.
- -- John Lehman, Secretary of the Navy 1981-1987
+ -- John Lehman, Secretary of the Navy, 1981-1987
%
Power corrupts. And atomic power corrupts atomically.
%
Praise the sea; on shore remain.
-- John Florio
%
-pray, n:
- To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf
- of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.
- -- Ambrose Bierce
-%
Pray to God, but keep rowing to shore.
-- Russian proverb
%
+pray, v.:
+ To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf
+ of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
Predestination was doomed from the start.
%
Prediction is very difficult, especially of the future.
-- Niels Bohr
%
-Prejudice:
+Prejudice, n.:
A vagrant opinion without visible means of support.
- -- Ambrose Bierce
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
Premature optimization is the root of all evil.
-- Donald E. Knuth
Newell has now tossed 5 shutouts this quarter. Newell's earned exam average
has now dropped to a phenomenal 30%.
%
-Professor Gorden Newell threw another shutout in last week's Chem.
-Eng. 130 midterm. Once again no student received a single point on
-his exam. Newell has now tossed five shutouts this quarter. Newell's
-earned exam average has now dropped to a phenomenal 30%
-%
PROGRAM:
Any task that can't be completed in one telephone call or one
day. Once a task is defined as a program ("training program,"
%
Punning is the worst vice, and there's no vice versa.
%
-Puns are little "plays on words" that a certain breed of person loves to
-spring on you and then look at you in a certain self-satisfied way to indicate
-that he thinks that you must think that he is by far the cleverest person
-on Earth now that Benjamin Franklin is dead, when in fact what you are
-thinking is that if this person ever ends up in a lifeboat, the other
-passengers will hurl him overboard by the end of the first day even if they
-have plenty of food and water.
- -- Dave Barry
-%
Puns are little "plays on words" that a certain breed of person loves
to spring on you and then look at you in a certain self-satisfied way
to indicate that he thinks that you must think that he is by far the
%
Pushing 40 is exercise enough.
%
-Pushing forty is exercise enough.
-%
Put a pot of chili on the stove to simmer.
Let it simmer. Meanwhile, broil a good steak.
Eat the steak. Let the chili simmer. Ignore it.
Q: Are we not men?
A: We are Vaxen.
%
+Q: Do you know what the death rate around here is?
+A: One per person.
+%
Q: Have you heard about the man who didn't pay for his exorcism?
A: He got re-possessed!
%
A: With three more bullets.
%
Q: How can you tell if an elephant is having an affair with
- your wife?
+ your wife?
A: You have to wait 22 months.
%
Q: How can you tell if an elephant is sitting on your back
- in a hurricane?
+ in a hurricane?
A: You can hear his ears flapping in the wind.
%
Q: How can you tell when a Burroughs salesman is lying?
A: When his lips move.
%
Q: How did the elephant get to the top of the oak tree?
-A: He sat on a acorn and waited for spring.
+A: He sat on an acorn and waited for spring.
Q: But how did he get back down?
A: He crawled out on a leaf and waited for autumn.
%
+Q: How did you get into artificial intelligence?
+A: Seemed logical -- I didn't have any real intelligence.
+%
Q: How do you catch a unique rabbit?
A: Unique up on it!
Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three. One to screw in the lightbulb and two to fend off all
- those Californians trying to share the experience.
+ those Californians trying to share the experience.
%
Q: How many college football players does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Only one, but he gets three credits for it.
%
+Q: How many DEC repairmen does it take to fix a flat?
+A: Five; four to hold the car up and one to swap tires.
+
+Q: How long does it take?
+A: It's indeterminate. It will depend upon how many flats they've
+ brought with them.
+
+Q: What happens if you've got TWO flats?
+A: They replace your generator.
+%
Q: How many Democrats does it take to enjoy a good joke?
A: One more than you can find.
%
Q: How can you tell if four elephants are in your refrigerator?
A: There's a VW Bug in your driveway.
%
+Q: How many existentialists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
+A: Two. One to screw it in and one to observe how the lightbulb
+ itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective
+ reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward
+ a maudlin cosmos of nothingness.
+%
Q: How many hardware engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. We'll fix it in software.
Q: How many tech writers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. The user can figure it out.
%
-Q: How many Harvard MBA's does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
+Q: How many Harvard MBAs does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Just one. He grasps it firmly and the universe revolves around him.
%
-Q: How many IBM 370's does it take to execute a job?
+Q: How many heterosexual males does it take to screw in a light bulb
+ in San Francisco?
+A: Both of them.
+%
+Q: How many IBM 370s does it take to execute a job?
A: Four, three to hold it down, and one to rip its head off.
%
+Q: How many IBM CPUs does it take to do a logical right shift?
+A: 33. 1 to hold the bits and 32 to push the register.
+%
+Q: How many IBM CPUs does it take to execute a job?
+A: Four; three to hold it down, and one to rip its head off.
+%
+Q: How many IBM types does it take to change a light bulb?
+A: 100. Ten to do it, and 90 to write document number GC7500439-0001,
+ Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility, of which 10% of
+ the pages state only "This page intentionally left blank", and 20%
+ of the definitions are of the form "A ...... consists of sequences
+ of non-blank characters separated by blanks".
+%
Q: How many IBM types does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Fifteen. One to do it, and fourteen to write document number
GC7500439-0001, Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility,
left blank", and 20% of the definitions are of the form "A:.....
consists of sequences of non-blank characters separated by blanks".
%
+Q: How many journalists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
+A: Three. One to report it as an inspired government program to bring
+ light to the people, one to report it as a diabolical government
+ plot to deprive the poor of darkness, and one to win a Pulitzer
+ prize for reporting that Electric Company hired a lightbulb
+ assassin to break the bulb in the first place.
+%
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One. Only it's his light bulb when he's done.
%
Q: How many marketing people does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: I'll have to get back to you on that.
%
+Q: How many Martians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
+A: One and a half.
+%
Q: How many Marxists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: None: The lightbulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.
%
+Q: How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
+A: One. He gives it to six Californians, thereby reducing the problem
+ to the earlier joke.
+%
Q: How many members of the U.S.S. Enterprise does it take to change a
light bulb?
A: Seven. Scotty has to report to Captain Kirk that the light bulb in
given all lightbulbs they can carry. The new bulb is then inserted
and the Enterprise continues on its five year mission.
%
+Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
+A: Three. One to screw in the lightbulb and two to fend off all those
+ Californians trying to share the experience.
+%
Q: How many people from New Jersey does it take to change a light
- bulb?
+ bulb?
A: Three. One to do it, one to watch, and the third to shoot the
- witness.
+ witness.
%
Q: How many pre-med's does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Five: One to change the bulb and four to pull the ladder
A: Only one, but it takes a long time, and the light bulb has
to really want to change.
%
-Q: "How many Romulans does it take to screw in a light bulb?"
-A: "Twelve; one to screw the light-bulb in, and eleven to self-destruct
- the ship out of disgrace."
+Q: How many Romulans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
+A: Twelve. One to screw the light-bulb in, and eleven to
+ self-destruct the ship out of disgrace.
[Warning: do not tell this joke to Romulans or else be ready for
a fight. They consider it to be a disgrace, though it's
pretty good for a LBJ. Ed.]
%
Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
+A: Two. One to hold the giraffe and the other to fill the bathtub
+ with brightly colored machine tools.
+%
+Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two, one to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the bathtub
with brightly colored machine tools.
[Surrealist jokes just aren't my cup of fur. Ed.]
%
-Q: How many WASP's does it take to change a lightbulb?
+Q: How many WASPs does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One.
%
+Q: How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
+A: None. The Universe spins the bulb, and the Zen master stays out
+ of the way.
+%
Q: How much does it cost to ride the Unibus?
A: 2 bits.
%
A: 9 edge down.
%
Q: Know what the difference between your latest project
- and putting wings on an elephant is?
+ and putting wings on an elephant is?
A: Who knows? The elephant *might* fly, heh, heh...
%
Q: Minnesotans ask, "Why aren't there more pharmacists from Alabama?"
%
Q: Somebody just posted that Roman Polanski directed Star Wars.
What should I do?
-
A: Post the correct answer at once! We can't have people go on
believing that! Very good of you to spot this. You'll probably
be the only one to make the correction, so post as soon as you
enough to send the message by mail. Since you're the only one who
really knows that it was Francis Coppola, you have to inform the
whole net right away!
- -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette
+ -- Brad Templeton, "Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions
+ on Netiquette"
+%
+Q: Somebody just posted that Roman Polanski directed Star Wars. What
+ should I do?
+A: Post the correct answer at once! We can't have people go on
+ believing that! Very good of you to spot this. You'll probably be
+ the only one to make the correction, so post as soon as you can. No
+ time to lose, so certainly don't wait a day, or check to see if
+ somebody else has made the correction.
+
+ And it's not good enough to send the message by mail. Since you're
+ the only one who really knows that it was Francis Coppola, you have
+ to inform the whole net right away!
+ -- Brad Templeton, "Emily Postnews Answers Your
+ Questions on Netiquette"
%
Q: What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill?
A: "The elephants are coming over the hill."
Q: What did he say when saw them coming over the hill wearing
- sunglasses?
+ sunglasses?
A: Nothing, for he didn't recognize them.
%
Q: What do a blonde and your computer have in common?
Q: What do they call the alphabet in Arkansas?
A: The impossible dream.
%
-Q: What do WASP's do instead of making love?
+Q: What do WASPs do instead of making love?
A: Rule the country.
%
Q: What do Winnie the Pooh and John the Baptist have in common?
Q: Why do blondes put their hair in ponytails?
A: To cover up the valve stem.
-
-Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw
- puzzle in only 6 months?
-A: Because on the box it said "From 2-4 years".
%
Q: What do you call a blind pre-historic animal?
A: Diyathinkhesaurus.
[I got a dog with no legs -- I call him Cigarette.
Every night, I take him out for a drag. Ed.]
%
-Q: What do you call a group of kids with low IQ's, drinking diet cola,
+Q: What do you call a group of kids with low IQs, drinking diet cola,
eating fruit, and singing?
A: The Moron Tab and Apple Choir.
%
sheep bites you?
A: Ewe nicks.
%
+Q: What do you get when you cross a mobster with an international standard?
+A: You get someone who makes you an offer that you can't understand!
+%
Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with an attorney?
A: An offer you can't understand.
%
Q: What does a blonde do first thing in the morning?
A: She goes home.
-Q: Why does blonde have fur on the hem of her dress?
+Q: Why does a blonde have fur on the hem of her dress?
A: To keep her neck warm.
Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Monday?
Q: What goes: Sis! Boom! Baaaaah!
A: Exploding sheep.
%
-Q: What happens when four WASP's find themselves in the same room?
+Q: What happens when four WASPs find themselves in the same room?
A: A dinner party.
%
Q: What is green and lives in the ocean?
Q: What is purple and concord the world?
A: Alexander the Grape.
%
-Q: "What is the burning question on the mind of every dyslexic
- existentialist?"
-A: "Is there a dog?"
+Q: What is the burning question on the mind of every dyslexic
+ existentialist?
+A: Is there a dog?
%
Q: What is the difference between a duck?
A: One leg is both the same.
plays like a monkey?
A: Nothing.
%
+Q: What's a light-year?
+A: One-third less calories than a regular year.
+%
Q: What's black and white and red all over?
A: Two nuns in a chainsaw fight.
%
Q: What's the difference between Los Angeles and yogurt?
A: Yogurt has a living, active culture.
%
+Q: What's the difference between USL and the Graf Zeppelin?
+A: The Graf Zeppelin represented cutting edge technology for its time.
+%
+Q: What's the difference between USL and the Titanic?
+A: The Titanic had a band.
+%
Q: What's tiny and yellow and very, very, dangerous?
A: A canary with the super-user password.
%
Q: Why did the programmer call his mother long distance?
A: Because that was her name.
%
+Q: Why did the tachyon cross the road?
+A: Because it was on the other side.
+%
Q: Why did the WASP cross the road?
A: To get to the middle.
%
Q: Why do elephants have big flat feet?
A: To stamp out flaming ducks.
%
+Q: Why do ducks have flat feet?
+A: To stamp out forest fires.
+
+Q: Why do elephants have flat feet?
+A: To stamp out flaming ducks.
+%
Q: Why do firemen wear red suspenders?
A: To conform with departmental regulations concerning uniform dress.
%
+Q: Why do mountain climbers rope themselves together?
+A: To prevent the sensible ones from going home.
+%
Q: Why do people who live near Niagara Falls have flat foreheads?
A: Because every morning they wake up thinking "What *is* that noise?
Oh, right, *of course*!
Q: Why was Stonehenge abandoned?
A: It wasn't IBM compatible.
%
-Q: Do you know what the death rate around here is?
-A: One per person.
-%
-Q: How did you get into artificial intelligence?
-A: Seemed logical -- I didn't have any real intelligence.
-%
-Q: How many DEC repairmen does it take to fix a flat?
-A: Five; four to hold the car up and one to swap tires.
-
-Q: How long does it take?
-A: It's indeterminate. It will depend upon how many flats they've
- brought with them.
-
-Q: What happens if you've got TWO flats?
-A: They replace your generator.
-%
-Q: How many existentialists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
-A: Two. One to screw it in and one to observe how the lightbulb
- itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective
- reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a
- maudlin cosmos of nothingness.
-%
-Q: How many heterosexual males does it take to screw in a light bulb
- in San Francisco?
-A: Both of them.
-%
-Q: How many IBM CPUs does it take to do a logical right shift?
-A: 33. 1 to hold the bits and 32 to push the register.
-%
-Q: How many IBM CPUs does it take to execute a job?
-A: Four; three to hold it down, and one to rip its head off.
-%
-Q: How many IBM types does it take to change a light bulb?
-A: 100. Ten to do it, and 90 to write document number GC7500439-0001,
- Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility, of which 10% of
- the pages state only "This page intentionally left blank", and 20%
- of the definitions are of the form "A ...... consists of sequences
- of non-blank characters separated by blanks".
-%
-Q: How many journalists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
-A: Three. One to report it as an inspired government program to bring
- light to the people, one to report it as a diabolical government
- plot to deprive the poor of darkness, and one to win a Pulitzer
- prize for reporting that Electric Company hired a lightbulb
- assassin to break the bulb in the first place.
-%
-Q: How many Martians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
-A: One and a half.
-%
-Q: How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
-A: One. He gives it to six Californians, thereby reducing the problem
- to the earlier joke.
-%
-Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
-A: Three. One to screw in the lightbulb and two to fend off all those
- Californians trying to share the experience.
-%
-Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
-A: Two. One to hold the giraffe and the other to fill the bathtub
- with brightly colored machine tools.
-%
-Q: How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
-A: None. The Universe spins the bulb, and the Zen master stays out
- of the way.
-%
-Q: What's a light-year?
-A: One-third less calories than a regular year.
-%
-Q: Why did the tachyon cross the road?
-A: Because it was on the other side.
-%
-Q: Why do ducks have flat feet?
-A: To stamp out forest fires.
-
-Q: Why do elephants have flat feet?
-A: To stamp out flaming ducks.
-%
-Q: Why do mountain climbers rope themselves together?
-A: To prevent the sensible ones from going home.
-%
-Q: Somebody just posted that Roman Polanski directed Star Wars. What
- should I do?
-
-A: Post the correct answer at once! We can't have people go on
- believing that! Very good of you to spot this. You'll probably be
- the only one to make the correction, so post as soon as you can. No
- time to lose, so certainly don't wait a day, or check to see if
- somebody else has made the correction.
-
- And it's not good enough to send the message by mail. Since you're
- the only one who really knows that it was Francis Coppola, you have
- to inform the whole net right away!
-
- -- Brad Templeton, "Emily Postnews Answers Your
- Questions on Netiquette"
-%
-Q: What do you get when you cross a mobster with an international standard?
-A: You get someone who makes you an offer that you can't understand!
-%
-Q: What's the difference between USL and the Graf Zeppelin?
-A: The Graf Zeppelin represented cutting edge technology for its time.
-%
-Q: What's the difference between USL and the Titanic?
-A: The Titanic had a band.
-%
QED.
%
QOTD:
- "It's not the despair... I can stand the despair. It's the hope."
-%
-QOTD:
"A child of 5 could understand this! Fetch me a child of 5."
%
QOTD:
I go to work."
%
QOTD:
+ Everything I am today I owe to people, whom it is now
+ to late to punish.
+%
+QOTD:
Flash! Flash! I love you! ...but we only have fourteen hours to
save the earth!
%
"I haven't come far enough, and don't call me baby."
%
QOTD:
+ I looked out my window, and saw Kyle Pettys' car upside down,
+ then I thought, "One of us is in real trouble."
+ -- Davey Allison, on a 150 m.p.h. crash
+%
+QOTD:
I love your outfit, does it come in your size?
%
QOTD:
"I used to jog, but the ice kept bouncing out of my glass."
%
QOTD:
+ "I want a home, a family, an occasional spanking ..."
+ -- Kathy Ireland
+%
+QOTD:
"I won't say he's untruthful, but his wife has to call the
dog for dinner."
%
hands in his own pockets."
%
QOTD:
+ "It wouldn't have been anything, even if it were gonna be a thing."
+%
+QOTD:
"It's a cold bowl of chili, when love don't work out."
%
QOTD:
"It's men like him that give the Y chromosome a bad name."
%
QOTD:
+ "It's not the despair... I can stand the despair. It's the hope."
+%
+QOTD:
"It's sort of a threat, you see. I've never been very good at
them myself, but I'm told they can be very effective."
%
"Just how much can I get away with and still go to heaven?"
%
QOTD:
+ Lack of planning on your part doesn't constitute an emergency
+ on my part.
+%
+QOTD:
"Let's do it."
- -- Gary Gilmore
+ -- Gary Gilmore, to his firing squad
%
QOTD:
"Like this rose, our love will wilt and die."
"Oh, no, no... I'm not beautiful. Just very, very pretty."
%
QOTD:
+ On a scale of 1 to 10 I'd say... oh, somewhere in there.
+%
+QOTD:
"Our parents were never our age."
%
QOTD:
"Overweight is when you step on your dog's tail and it dies."
%
QOTD:
+ Sacred cows make great hamburgers.
+%
+QOTD:
"Say, you look pretty athletic. What say we put a pair of tennis
shoes on you and run you into the wall?"
%
the snakes have gone away.
%
QOTD:
+ The only easy way to tell a hamster from a gerbil is that the
+ gerbil has more dark meat.
+%
+QOTD:
"There may be no excuse for laziness, but I'm sure looking."
%
QOTD:
"Unlucky? If I bought a pumpkin farm, they'd cancel Halloween."
%
QOTD:
- "What do you mean, you had the dog fixed? Just what made you
+ "What do you mean, you had the dog fixed? Just what made you
think he was broken!"
%
QOTD:
QOTD:
"You're so dumb you don't even have wisdom teeth."
%
-QOTD:
-Everything I am today I owe to people, whom it is now
-to late to punish.
-%
-QOTD:
-I haven't come far enough and don't call me baby.
-%
-QOTD:
-I looked out my window, and saw Kyle Pettys' car upside down,
-then I thought, "One of us is in real trouble."
- -- Davey Allison, on a 150 m.p.h. crash
-%
-QOTD:
-"I want a home, a family, an occasional spanking ..."
- -- Kathy Ireland
-%
-QOTD:
-"It wouldn't have been anything, even if it were gonna be a thing."
-%
-QOTD:
-Lack of planning on your part doesn't constitute an emergency
-on my part.
-%
-QOTD:
-On a scale of 1 to 10 I'd say... oh, somewhere in there.
-%
-QOTD:
-Sacred cows make great hamburgers.
-%
-QOTD:
-The only easy way to tell a hamster from a gerbil is that the
-gerbil has more dark meat.
-%
Quack!
Quack!! Quack!!
%
%
QUOTE OF THE DAY:
- `
+ `
%
Qvid me anxivs svm?
doesn't sell it, they don't eat it. Vending machines don't sell
quiche.
%
-Real programmers don't comment their code. It was hard to write, it
-should be hard to understand.
-%
Real programmers don't document; if it was
hard to write, it should be hard to understand.
%
cannot be fooled.
-- R. P. Feynman
%
-"Really ?? What a coincidence, I'm shallow too!!"
+Really?? What a coincidence, I'm shallow too!!
%
Reappraisal, n:
An abrupt change of mind after being found out.
Rebellion lay in his way, and he found it.
-- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV"
%
-Receiving a million dollars tax free will make you feel better than being
-flat broke and having a stomach ache.
- -- Dolph Sharp
-%
Receiving a million dollars tax free will make you feel better than
being flat broke and having a stomach ache.
-- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot"
(7) Sprinkle Zamphuor.
(8) Add an olive.
(9) Drink... but... very carefully...
+ -- Douglas Adams
%
Reclaimer, spare that tree!
Take not a single bit!
%
"Remember, if it's being done correctly, here or abroad, it's
*not* the U.S. Army doing it!"
- -- Good Morning Vietnam
+ -- "Good Morning, Vietnam"
%
Remember kids, if there's a loaded gun in the room, be sure
that you're the one holding it.
Remember to say hello to your bank teller.
%
Remember, UNIX spelled backwards is XINU.
+ -- Mt.
%
Remember: use logout to logout.
%
-- Mark Twain
%
Repel them. Repel them. Induce them to relinquish the spheroid.
- -- Indiana University footbal cheer
+ -- Indiana University football cheer
%
Reply hazy, ask again later.
%
Revolution, n:
A form of government abroad.
%
-Revolution, n:
+Revolution, n.:
In politics, an abrupt change in the form of misgovernment.
- -- Ambrose Bierce
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
revolutionary, adj:
Repackaged.
He lied to his wife, his family, his friends, his colleagues in the Congress,
lifetime members of his own political party, the American people, and the
world.
- -- Senator Barry Goldwater
+ -- Barry Goldwater
%
Riches cover a multitude of woes.
-- Menander
If there is a wrong way to do something, most people will do it
every time.
%
-Rudin's Law:
- If there is a wrong way to do something, most people will do it
-every time.
-
Rudin's Second Law:
In a crisis that forces a choice to be made among alternative
courses of action, people tend to choose the worst possible course.
the ashtray."
%
Sailing is fun, but scrubbing the decks is aardvark.
- -- Heard on Noahs' ark
+ -- Heard on Noah's ark
%
Sailors in ships, sail on!
Even while we died, others rode out the storm.
people boo louder or longer, but there is a very special intimacy. When
they boo you, you know they mean *you*. Music, that's what it is to me.
One time in Kezar Stadium they gave me a standing boo.
- -- George Halas, professional footbal coach
+ -- George Halas, professional football coach
%
San Francisco isn't what it used to be, and it never was.
-- Herb Caen
Science is facts; just as houses are made of stones, so is science made
of facts; but a pile of stones is not a house and a collection of facts
is not necessarily science.
- -- Henri Poincar'\be
+ -- Jules Henri Poincar'\be
%
Science is to computer science as hydrodynamics is to plumbing.
%
%
Scrubbing floors and emptying bedpans has as much dignity as the
Presidency.
- -- Richard M. Nixon
+ -- Richard Nixon
%
'Scuse me, while I kiss the sky!
-- Robert James Marshall (Jimi) Hendrix
-- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
%
Seleznick's Theory of Holistic Medicine:
- Ice Cream cures all ills.
-%
-Seleznick's Theory of Holistic Medicine:
Ice Cream cures all ills. Temporarily.
%
Self Test for Paranoia:
Senate, n.:
A body of elderly gentlemen charged with high duties and
misdemeanors.
- -- Ambrose Bierce
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
Send some filthy mail.
%
Serocki's Stricture:
Marriage is always a bachelor's last option.
%
-Serving coffee on aircraft causes turbulence.
+Serving coffee on an aircraft causes turbulence.
%
Set the cart before the horse.
-- John Heywood
All trails have more uphill sections
than they have downhill sections.
%
-"Shelter", what a nice name for for a place where you polish your cat.
+"Shelter", what a nice name for a place where you polish your cat.
%
Sheriff Chameleotoptor sighed with an air of weary sadness, and then
turned to Doppelgutt and said 'The Senator must really have been on a
Show me a man who is a good loser and I'll show you a man who is
playing golf with his boss.
%
-Show me a man who is a good loser and I'll
-show you a man who playing golf with his boss.
-%
Show respect for age. Drink good Scotch for a change.
%
Show your affection, which will probably meet with pleasant response.
carriage and pushed the carriage up this hill and down that one. She pushed
the carriage up the highest hill in town, and ALL OF A SUDDEN! It slipped out
of her hands (OH! NO!) and it was headed at high speed for the busiest
-intersection in town. BUT!
+intersection in town. BUT!
Silly Sally just laughed and la.....ug.......h....e....d...........
BECAUSE! SHE KNEW THERE WAS A STOP SIGN AT THE BOTTOM OF THE HILL!
Slow day.
Practice crawling.
%
-Slowly and surely the unix crept up on the Nintendo user ...
+Slowly and surely the Unix crept up on the Nintendo user ...
%
SLURM:
The slime that accumulates on the underside of a soap bar when it
Smuggling... It's not just a job, it's an adventure!
-- paid for by your local Colombian recruiting office
%
-SNACKTREK:
+Snacktrek, n.:
The peculiar habit, when searching for a snack, of constantly
returning to the refrigerator in hopes that something new will
have materialized.
-- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
%
-Snacktrek, n.:
- The peculiar habit, when searching for a snack, of constantly
-returning to the refrigerator in hopes that something new will have
-materialized.
- -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
-%
Snakes. Why did it have to be snakes?
%
SNAPPY REPARTEE:
-- T. S. Eliot, essay on Baudelaire
%
So from the depths of its enchantment, Terra was able to calculate a course
-of action. Here at last was an opportunity to consort with Durbanu on a
-friendly basis -- great Durbanu which, since it had force fields which Earth
+of action. Here at last was an opportunity to consort with Dirbanu on a
+friendly basis -- great Dirbanu which, since it had force fields which Earth
could not duplicate, must of necessity have many other things Earth could
-use; mighty Durbanu before whom we would kneel in supplication (with purely-
+use; mighty Dirbanu before whom we would kneel in supplication (with purely-
for-defense bombs hidden in our pockets) with lowered heads (making invisible
the knife in our teeth) and ask for crumbs from their table (in order to
extrapolate the location of their kitchens).
and some of the future prevented at all costs.
%
Some people are afraid of heights. I'm afraid of widths.
- -- Stephen Wright
+ -- Steven Wright
%
Some people are born mediocre, some people achieve mediocrity, and some
people have mediocrity thrust upon them.
Fell through the parlor floor today.
-- Ogden Nash
%
-Some programming languages manage to absorb change but withstand
-progress.
-%
Some programming languages manage to absorb change, but withstand
progress.
-- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
-- David Letterman
%
Someone is speaking well of you.
-%
-Someone is speaking well of you.
How unusual!
%
Someone is unenthusiastic about your work.
Son, someday a man is going to walk up to you with a deck of cards on which
the seal is not yet broken. And he is going to offer to bet you that he can
make the Ace of Spades jump out of the deck and squirt cider in your ears.
-But son, do not bet this man, for you will end up with a ear full of cider.
+But son, do not bet this man, for you will end up with an ear full of cider.
-- Sky Masterson's Father
%
Song Title of the Week:
Sooner or later you must pay for your sins. (Those who have already
paid may disregard this fortune).
%
-Sooner or later you must pay for your sins.
-(Those who have already paid may disregard this cookie).
-%
Sorry. I forget what I was going to say.
%
Sorry. Nice try.
%
Spirtle, n.:
The fine stream from a grapefruit that always lands right in
-your eye.
- -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
+ your eye.
+ -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
%
Spock: The odds of surviving another
attack are 13562190123 to 1, Captain.
%
Spock: We suffered 23 casualties in that attack, Captain.
%
-SPOUSE:
- Someone who'll stand by you through all the
- trouble you wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single.
-%
Spouse, n.:
Someone who'll stand by you through all the trouble you
wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single.
Spring is here, spring is here,
Life is skittles and life is beer.
%
-SQUATCHO:
+Squatcho, n.:
The button at the top of a baseball cap.
-- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
%
TEXAS FLORIDA
1-2-3 HIKE ZON KED
- PLAY FOOTBALL OR DIE AMERICA'S DRUG DEALER
+PLAY FOOTBALL OR DIE AMERICA'S DRUG DEALER
%
State license plates we'd like to see:
%
Steckel's Rule to Success:
Good enough is never good enough.
- Everybody should believe in something --
- I believe I'll have another drink.
%
Steele's Plagiarism of Somebody's Philosophy:
Everybody should believe in something -- I believe I'll have
Stuckness shouldn't be avoided. It's the psychic predecessor of all
real understanding. An egoless acceptance of stuckness is a key to an
understanding of all Quality, in mechanical work as in other endeavors.
- -- R. Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance"
+ -- Robert Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance"
%
Stult's Report:
Our problems are mostly behind us. What we have to do now is
the room is punishable under law:
Name #
+
+
%
Surprise due today. Also the rent.
%
-- The Roguelet's ABC
%
TACKY:
- Serving grape kool-aid at religious functions.
+ Serving grape Kool-Aid at religious functions.
%
Tact consists in knowing how far to go in going too far.
-- Jean Cocteau
the tree."
-- Russell Long
%
-TAXES:
- Of life's two certainties,
- the only one for which you can get an extension.
-%
Taxes are going up so fast, the government is likely to price itself
out of the market.
%
"Vogons may read you bad poetry, but bogons make you study obsolete RFCs."
-- Dave Mills
%
-Teach children to be polite and courteous in the home, and, when they
-grow up, they will never be able to edge a car onto a freeway.
-%
Teach children to be polite and courteous in the home, and,
when they grow up, they won't be able to edge a car onto a freeway.
%
%
Teamwork is essential -- it allows you to blame someone else.
%
-Technicality, n. In an English court a man named Home was tried for
-slander in having accused a neighbor of murder. His exact words were:
-"Sir Thomas Holt hath taken a cleaver and stricken his cook upon the
-head, so that one side of his head fell on one shoulder and the other
-side upon the other shoulder." The defendant was acquitted by
-instruction of the court, the learned judges holding that the words did
-not charge murder, for they did not affirm the death of the cook, that
-being only an inference.
+Technicality, n.:
+ In an English court a man named Home was tried for slander in having
+accused a neighbor of murder. His exact words were: "Sir Thomas Holt hath
+taken a cleaver and stricken his cook upon the head, so that one side of his
+head fell on one shoulder and the other side upon the other shoulder." The
+defendant was acquitted by instruction of the court, the learned judges
+holding that the words did not charge murder, for they did not affirm the
+death of the cook, that being only an inference.
-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
"Technique?" said the programmer turning from his terminal, "What I follow
Telephone, n.:
An invention of the devil which abrogates some of the
advantages of making a disagreeable person keep his distance.
- -- Ambrose Bierce
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
-TELEPRESSION:
+Telepression, n.:
The deep-seated guilt which stems from knowing that you did not try
hard enough to look up the number on your own and instead put the
burden on the directory assistant.
writing.
-- R. Geis
%
-"Terence, this is stupid stuff:
+Terence, this is stupid stuff:
You eat your victuals fast enough;
There can't be much amiss, 'tis clear,
To see the rate you drink your beer.
Pretty friendship 'tis to rhyme
Your friends to death before their time.
Moping, melancholy mad:
-Come, pipe a tune to dance to, lad."
+Come, pipe a tune to dance to, lad.
-- A. E. Housman
%
Term, holidays, term, holidays, till we leave
That all men should be brothers is the dream of people who have no brothers.
-- Charles Chincholles, "Pensees de tout le monde"
%
-"That boy's about as sharp as a pound of wet liver"
+That boy's about as sharp as a pound of wet liver.
-- Foghorn Leghorn
%
That does not compute.
It said "Good-bye.
-- Richard Armour
%
-"That must be wonderful! I don't understand it at all."
-%
That must be wonderful: I don't understand it at all.
-- Moliere
%
sympathy as a liberal, inevitably turns out to be one of the most
narrow-minded and bigoted segments of the community.
%
-That that is is that that is not is not.
-%
That, that is, is.
That, that is not, is not.
That, that is, is not that, that is not.
%
The American nation in the sixth ward is a fine people; they love the
eagle -- on the back of a dollar.
- -- Finlay Peter Dunne
+ -- Finley Peter Dunne
%
The American system of ours, call it Americanism, call it Capitalism,
call it what you like, gives each and every one of us a great
Their figures and mine might have balanced,
But my wife was too quick on the draw.
%
-The basic idea behind malls is that they are more convenient than cities.
-Cities contain streets, which are dangerous and crowded and difficult to
-park in. Malls, on the other hand, have parking lots, which are also
-dangerous and crowded and difficult to park in, but -- here is the big
-difference -- in mall parking lots, THERE ARE NO RULES. You're allowed to
-do anything. You can drive as fast as you want in any direction you want.
-I was once driving in a mall parking lot when my car was struck by a pickup
-truck being driven backward by a squat man with a tattoo that said "Charlie"
-on his forearm, who got out and explained to me, in great detail, why the
-accident was my fault, his reasoning being that he was violent and muscular,
-whereas I was neither. This kind of reasoning is legally valid in mall
-parking lots.
- -- Dave Barry
-%
The basic idea behind malls is that they are more convenient than
cities. Cities contain streets, which are dangerous and crowded and
difficult to park in. Malls, on the other hand, have parking lots,
live with a Chinese wife, and eat Japanese food.
The worst case: Get salary from China, build a house in Japan,
live with a British wife, and eat American food.
-
-- Bungei Shunju, a popular Japanese magazine
%
The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.
His father called him, but he could not go,
For he loved those peanuts so.
%
-The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up
-in the morning, and does not stop until you get to school.
-%
The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment
you get up in the morning, and does not stop until you get to work.
%
The chief cause of problems is solutions.
-- Eric Sevareid
%
-The chief danger in life is that you may take too may precautions.
+The chief danger in life is that you may take too many precautions.
-- Alfred Adler
%
-The chief enemy of creativity is "good" sense
+The chief enemy of creativity is "good" sense.
-- Picasso
%
The church is near but the road is icy; the bar is far away but I will
"The climate of Bombay is such that its inhabitants have to live
elsewhere."
%
-The closest to perfection a person ever comes is when they fill out a
-job application.
-%
The closest to perfection a person ever comes
is when he fills out a job application form.
-- Stanley J. Randall
%
The Creation of the Universe was made possible by a grant from Texas
Instruments.
- -- Credits from the PBS program `The Creation of the Universe'
-
+ -- Credits from the PBS program "The Creation of the Universe"
%
The Crown is full of it!
-- Nate Harris, 1775
%
The day advanced as if to light some work of mine; it was morning,
and lo! now it is evening, and nothing memorable is accomplished.
- -- H. D. Thoreau
+ -- Henry David Thoreau
%
The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life.
%
-- Allan Sherman
%
The difference between science and the fuzzy subjects is that science
-requires reasoning while those other subjects merely require
-scholarship.
+requires reasoning while those other subjects merely require scholarship.
-- Robert A. Heinlein
%
The difference between sentiment and being sentimental is the following:
The easiest way to figure the cost of living is to take your income and
add ten percent.
%
-"The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly
-teaches me to suspect that my own is also."
+The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly
+teaches me to suspect that my own is also.
-"I would not interfere with any one's religion, either to strengthen it
+I would not interfere with any one's religion, either to strengthen it
or to weaken it. I am not able to believe one's religion can affect his
hereafter one way or the other, no matter what that religion may be.
But it may easily be a great comfort to him in this life -- hence it is a
-valuable possession to him."
+valuable possession to him.
-"I do not see how eternal punishment hereafter could accomplish any good
+I do not see how eternal punishment hereafter could accomplish any good
end, therefore I am not able to believe in it. To chasten a man in order
to perfect him might be reasonable enough; to annihilate him when he shall
have proved himself incapable of reaching perfection might be reasonable
enough; but to roast him forever for the mere satisfaction of seeing him
roast would not be reasonable -- even the atrocious God imagined by the Jews
-would tire of the spectacle eventually."
+would tire of the spectacle eventually.
-- Mark Twain
%
The economy depends about as much on economists as the weather does on
The Encyclopaedia Galactica defines a robot as a mechanical apparatus designed
to do the work of a man. The marketing division of Sirius Cybernetics
Corporation defines a robot as "Your Plastic Pal Who's Fun To Be With".
-The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy defines the marketing division of the
+The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy defines the marketing division of the
Sirius Cybernetics Corporation as "a bunch of mindless jerks who'll be the
first against the wall when the revolution comes", with a footnote to effect
that the editors would welcome applications from anyone interested in taking
The end of the world will occur at 3:00 p.m., this Friday, with
symposium to follow.
%
-The end of the world will occur at three p.m., this Friday,
-with symposium to follow.
-%
The ends justify the means.
-- after Matthew Prior
%
of thing. Anyone who expects a source of power from the transformation
of these atoms is talking moonshine.
-- Ernest Rutherford, after he had split the atom for
- the first time
+ the first time
%
The English country gentleman galloping after a fox -- the unspeakable
in full pursuit of the uneatable.
and become lesbians."
%
The Feynman Problem-Solving Algorithm:
- (1) write down the problem.
- (2) think very hard.
- (3) write down the answer.
+ (1) write down the problem.
+ (2) think very hard.
+ (3) write down the answer.
-- Murray Gell-Mann
%
The Fifth Rule:
The first marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence,
and the second the triumph of hope over experience.
%
-The first myth of management is that it exists.
-%
The first myth of management is that it exists. The second myth of
management is that success equals skill.
-- Robert Heller
-- H. L. Mencken
%
The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts.
- -- Ehrlich
-%
-The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts.
-- Paul Erlich
%
-"The first rule of magic is simple. Don't waste your time waving your
-hands and hoping when a rock or a club will do."
+The first rule of magic is simple. Don't waste your time waving your
+hands and hoping when a rock or a club will do.
-- McCloctnik the Lucid
%
The First Rule of Program Optimization:
...the flaw that makes perfection perfect.
%
The flow chart is a most thoroughly oversold piece of program documentation.
- -- Frederick Brooks Jr., "The Mythical Man Month"
+ -- Frederick Brooks Jr., "The Mythical Man-Month"
%
The flush toilet is the basis of Western civilization.
-- Alan Coult
%
The good die young -- because they see it's no use living if you've got
to be good.
- John Barrymore
+ -- John Barrymore
%
The good (I am convinced, for one)
Is but the bad one leaves undone.
HOT STEEL BETWEEN THEIR LEGS!
-- The Cycle Savages (1969)
-The Hand that Rocks the Cradle... Has no Flesh on It!
-
+The Hand that Rocks the Cradle... Has no Flesh on It!
-- Who Slew Auntie Roo? (1971)
TWO GREAT BLOOD HORRORS TO RIP OUT YOUR GUTS!
FIRST -- HARLOW!
THEN -- MONROE!
NOW -- McCLANAHAN!!!
- -- The Rotton Apple (1963), Rue McClanahan
+ -- The Rotten Apple (1963), Rue McClanahan
*NOT FOR SISSIES! DON'T COME IF YOU'RE CHICKEN!
A Horrifying Movie of Weird Beauties and Shocking Monsters...
before him. To ride their horses and take away their possessions. To see
the faces of those who were dear to them bedewed with tears, and to clasp
their wives and daughters to his arms.
- -- Genghis Khan
+ -- Chinggis (Genghis) Khan
%
The greatest love is a mother's, then a dog's, then a sweetheart's.
-- Polish proverb
it delivers its message and then disappears.
%
The happiest time in any man's life is just after the first divorce.
- -- Galbraith
-%
-The happiest time of a person's life is after his first divorce.
-- J. K. Galbraith
%
The hardest part of climbing the ladder of
instance, the first phase is characterized by the question "How can we
eat?" the second by "Why do we eat?" and the third by "Where shall we
have lunch?".
- -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
+ -- Douglas Adams, "The Restaurant at the End of the Universe"
%
The history of warfare is similarly subdivided, although here the phases
are Retribution, Anticipation, and Diplomacy. Thus:
when it's through if you are a crook or a martyr.
-- Will Rogers
%
-The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than
-golf has.
- -- The Best of Will Rogers
-%
The individual choice of garnishment of a burger can be an important
point to the consumer in this day when individualism is an increasingly
important thing to people.
the dust clears."
K: "And?"
A: "If there are more red specks left than black specks, we win."
-K: "But what about the
-^#!!$% battle plan?"
+K: "But what about the ^#!!$% battle plan?"
A: "So far, it seems to be going according to specks."
%
The knowledge that makes us cherish
The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for
everything that goes wrong -- until the next person quits or is fired.
%
-The last person that quit or was fired will be the held responsible
-for everything that goes wrong -- until the next person quits or is
-fired.
-%
The last person who said that (God rest his soul) lived to regret it.
%
The last thing one knows in constructing a work is what to put first.
%
THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #14 -- VALGOL
- VALGOL is enjoying a dramatic surge of popularity across the
+ From its modest beginnings in Southern California's San Fernando
+Valley VALGOL is enjoying a dramatic surge of popularity across the
industry. VALGOL commands include REALLY, LIKE, WELL, and Y*KNOW.
Variables are assigned with the =LIKE and =TOTALLY operators. Other
operators include the "California booleans", AX and NOWAY. Loops are
we could with both of them."
-- Joseph Heller, "Catch-22"
%
-The Lord gave us farmers two strong hands so we
-could grab as much as we could with both of them.
- -- Major Major's father
-%
The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away.
Indian Giver be the name of the Lord.
%
The major sin is the sin of being born.
-- Samuel Beckett
%
-The majority of husbands remind me of an orangutang trying to play
+The majority of husbands remind me of an orangutan trying to play
the violin.
-- Honore de Balzac
%
The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice
and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the
master calls a butterfly.
- -- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul
+ -- Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul
%
The marriage of Marxism and feminism has been like the marriage of
husband and wife depicted in English common law: Marxism and feminism
-are one, and that one is marxism.
+are one, and that one is Marxism.
-- Heidi Hartmann,
- "The Unhappy Marriage of Marxism and Feminism"
+ "The Unhappy Marriage of Marxism and Feminism"
%
The Martian Canals were clearly the Martian's last ditch effort!
%
%
The more data I punch in this card, the lighter it becomes, and the
lower the mailing cost.
- -- S. Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
-%
-"The more data I punch in this card, the lighter it becomes, and the
-lower the mailing cost."
-- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
%
The more he talked of his honor the faster we counted our spoons.
The more I know men the more I like my horse.
%
The more I see of men the more I admire dogs.
- -- Mme De Sevigne, 1626-1696
+ -- Mme De Sevigne (1626-1696)
%
The more I want to get something done, the less I call it work.
-- Richard Bach, "Illusions"
The most difficult thing about surviving AIDS
is trying to convince your parents that you're Haitian.
%
-"The most difficult thing in the world is to know how to do a thing and
-to watch someone else do it wrong without comment."
+The most difficult thing in the world is to know how to do a thing and
+to watch someone else do it wrong without comment.
-- Theodore H. White
%
-The most difficult thing in the world is to know how to do a
-thing and to watch someone else doing it wrong, without commenting.
- -- T. H. White
-%
The most difficult years of marriage are those following the wedding.
%
The most disagreeable thing that your worst enemy says to your face does
The nation that controls magnetism controls the universe.
-- Chester Gould/Dick Tracy
%
-"The National Association of Theater Concessionaires reported that in
-1986, 60% of all candy sold in movie theaters was sold to Roger Ebert."
- -- D. Letterman
+The National Association of Theater Concessionaires reported that in
+1986, 60% of all candy sold in movie theaters was sold to Roger Ebert.
+ -- David Letterman
%
The National Short-Sleeved Shirt Association says:
Support your right to bare arms!
whatsoever is more than these cometh of evil.
-- Matthew 5:37
%
-"The New York Times is read by the people who run the country. The
+The New York Times is read by the people who run the country. The
Washington Post is read by the people who think they run the country.
The National Enquirer is read by the people who think Elvis is alive
-and running the country ..."
- -- Robert J Woodhead
+and running the country ...
+ -- Robert J. Woodhead
%
The next person to mention spaghetti stacks
to me is going to have his head knocked off.
-- The Unix Programmer's Manual, 2nd Edition, June 1972
%
The NY Times is read by the people who run the country. The Washington Post
-is read by the people who think they run the country. The National Enquirer
+is read by the people who think they run the country. The National Enquirer
is read by the people who think Elvis is alive and running the country.
-- Robert Woodhead
%
%
The only perfect science is hind-sight.
%
-The only person to get all of his work done by Friday was Robinson Crusoe.
-%
The only person who always got his work done by Friday was Robinson Crusoe.
%
The only possible interpretation of any research whatever in the
-`social sciences' is: some do, some don't.
+"social sciences" is: some do, some don't.
-- Ernest Rutherford
%
-The only possible interpretation of any research
-whatever in the "social sciences" is: some do, some don't.
-%
The only problem with being a man of leisure is that you can never stop
and take a rest.
%
-- Heywood Broun
%
The only real way to look younger is not to be born so soon.
- -- C. Schultz
-%
-"The only real way to look younger is not to be born so soon."
-- Charles Schulz, "Things I've Had to Learn Over and
Over and Over"
%
-- Aldous Huxley
We learn from history that we do not learn from history.
- -- Georg Hegel
+ -- Georg Wilhelm Friedrich Hegel
HISTORY: Papa Hegel he say that all we learn from history is that we learn
nothing from history. I know people who can't even learn from what happened
-- Chad C. Mulligan, "The Hipcrime Vocab"
%
The only thing we learn from history is that we learn nothing from
-history."
- -- Friedrich Hegel
+history.
+ -- Georg Wilhelm Friedrich Hegel
-"I know guys can't learn from yesterday ... Hegel must be taking the
-long view."
+I know guys can't learn from yesterday ... Hegel must be taking the
+long view.
-- John Brunner, "Stand on Zanzibar"
%
The only thing which separates man from child is all the values
The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.
-- Oscar Wilde
%
-The only way to keep you health is to eat what you don't want,
+The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want,
drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not.
-- Mark Twain
%
upon the successful management of which so much remains.
-- George F. Baer, railroad industrialist
%
-"The rights you have are the rights given you by this Committee [the
+The rights you have are the rights given you by this Committee [the
House Un-American Activities Committee]. We will determine what rights
-you have and what rights you have not got."
+you have and what rights you have not got.
-- J. Parnell Thomas
%
The ripest fruit falls first.
%
The scene: in a vast, painted desert, a cowboy faces his horse.
-Cowboy: "Well, you've been a pretty good hoss, I guess. Hardworkin'.
- Not the fastest critter I ever come acrost, but..."
+Cowboy: "Well, you've been a pretty good hoss, I guess. Hardworkin'.
+Not the fastest critter I ever come acrost, but..."
Horse: "No, stupid, not feed*back*. I said I wanted a feed*bag*.
%
%
The Sixth Commandment of Frisbee:
The greatest single aid to distance is for the disc to be going
-in a direction you did not want. (Goes the wrong way = Goes a long
+in a direction you did not want. (Goes the wrong way = Goes a long
way.)
-- Dan Roddick
%
money."
-- Ed Bluestone, "The National Lampoon"
%
-The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up.
-%
-"The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up!"
+The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up!
%
The sooner you make your first 5000 mistakes, the sooner you will be
able to correct them.
in such good restaurants that many of the finest minds of a generation
died of obesity and heart failure, and the science of mathematics was put
back by years.
- -- Douglas Adams
+ -- Douglas Adams, "Life, The Universe and Everything"
%
The state law of Pennsylvania prohibits singing in the bathtub.
%
The streets were dark with something more than night.
-- Raymond Chandler
%
-The strong give up and move away, while the weak give up and stay.
-%
The strong give up and move on, while the weak give up and stay.
%
The strong individual loves the earth so much he lusts for recurrence. He
them a drink.
-- Fran Lebowitz, "Interview"
%
-The temperature of Heaven can be rather accurately computed. Our
-authority is Isaiah 30:26, "Moreover, the light of the Moon shall be as
-the light of the Sun and the light of the Sun shall be sevenfold, as
-the light of seven days." Thus Heaven receives from the Moon as much
-radiation as we do from the Sun, and in addition 7*7 (49) times as much
-as the Earth does from the Sun, or 50 times in all. The light we
-receive from the Moon is one 1/10,000 of the light we receive from the
-Sun, so we can ignore that ... The radiation falling on Heaven will
-heat it to the point where the heat lost by radiation is just equal to
-the heat received by radiation, i.e., Heaven loses 50 times as much
-heat as the Earth by radiation. Using the Stefan-Boltzmann law for
-radiation, (_\bH/_\bE)^4 = 50, where _\bE is the absolute temperature of the
-earth (~300K), gives _\bH as 798K (525C). The exact temperature of Hell
-cannot be computed ... [However] Revelations 21:8 says "But the
-fearful, and unbelieving ... shall have their part in the lake which
-burneth with fire and brimstone." A lake of molten brimstone means
-that its temperature must be at or below the boiling point, 444.6C. We
-have, then, that Heaven, at 525C is hotter than Hell at 445C.
- -- From "Applied Optics" vol. 11, A14, 1972
-%
The temperature of Heaven can be rather accurately computed from available
data. Our authority is Isaiah 30:26, "Moreover, the light of the Moon
shall be as the light of the Sun and the light of the Sun shall be sevenfold,
(2) The most you can accomplish by working is to break even.
(3) You can only break even at absolute zero.
%
-The Three Laws of Thermodynamics:
-
-The First Law: You can't get anything without working for it.
-The Second Law: The most you can accomplish by working is to break
- even.
-The Third Law: You can only break even at absolute zero.
-%
THE THREE MOST COMMONLY-ASKED QUESTIONS AT DISNEYLAND:
1) Where's the bathroom?
%
The United States also has its native Fascists who say that they are
"100 percent American"...
- -- U. S. Army (1945)
+ -- U.S. Army (1945)
%
The United States is like the guy at the party who gives cocaine to
everybody and still nobody likes him.
The world is your exercise-book, the pages on which you do your sums.
It is not reality, although you can express reality there if you wish.
You are also free to write nonsense, or lies, or to tear the pages.
- -- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul
+ -- Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul
%
The world needs more people like us and fewer like them.
%
admit it, I tell him, `Forget it'. If they bring a car back late we
overlook it. If they've had a crash and it doesn't involve another vehicle
we might overlook that too."
- "Where's the ashtray?" asked on Los Angeles wife, as she settled
+ "Where's the ashtray?" asked one Los Angeles wife, as she settled
into the ripped interior. "Honey," said her husband, "the whole car's the
ash tray."
-- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
%
Then there was the Formosan bartender named Taiwan-On.
%
-Then there was the ScoutMaster who got a fantastic deal on this case of
-Tates brand compasses for his troup; only $1.25 each! Only problem was,
+Then there was the Scoutmaster who got a fantastic deal on this case of
+Tates brand compasses for his troop; only $1.25 each! Only problem was,
when they got them out in the woods, the compasses were all stuck pointing
to the "W" on the dial.
There are running jobs.
Why don't you go chase them?
%
-"There are some micro-organisms that exhibit characteristics of both
+There are some micro-organisms that exhibit characteristics of both
plants and animals. When exposed to light they undergo photosynthesis;
and when the lights go out, they turn into animals. But then again,
-don't we all?"
+don't we all?
%
There are strange things done in the midnight sun
By the men who moil for gold;
%
There are three kinds of people: men, women, and unix.
%
-"There are three possibilities: Pioneer's solar panel has turned away
+There are three possibilities: Pioneer's solar panel has turned away
from the sun; there's a large meteor blocking transmission; or someone
-loaded Star Trek 3.2 into our video processor."
-%
-There are three possibilities:
-Pioneer's solar panel has turned away from the sun;
-there's a large meteor blocking transmission;
-someone loaded Star Trek 3.2 into our video processor.
+loaded Star Trek 3.2 into our video processor.
%
There are three possible parts to a date, of which at least two must be
offered: entertainment, food, and affection. It is customary to begin
Under no circumstances can the food be omitted.
-- Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior
%
-"There are three principal ways to lose money: wine, women, and
+There are three principal ways to lose money: wine, women, and
engineers. While the first two are more pleasant, the third is by far
-the more certain."
+the more certain.
-- Baron Rothschild, ca. 1800
%
There are three reasons for becoming a writer: the first is that you need
%
There are three rules for writing a novel.
Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.
- -- Maugham
+ -- W. Somerset Maugham
%
There are three schools of magic. One: State a tautology, then ring
the changes on its corollaries; that's philosophy. Two: Record many
"The bad news is that God has this girlfriend that sings..."
%
There are two kinds of fool. One says, "This is old, and therefore good."
-And one says, "This is new, and therefore better"
+And one says, "This is new, and therefore better."
-- John Brunner, "The Shockwave Rider"
%
There are two kinds of pedestrians... the quick and the dead.
sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.
-- Woody Allen
%
-"There are two ways of constructing a software design: One way is to
+There are two ways of constructing a software design: One way is to
make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the
other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious
-deficiencies."
+deficiencies.
-- C. A. R. Hoare
%
There are two ways of disliking art.
man who eats Grapenuts on principle.
-- G. K. Chesterton
%
-There is more simplicity in the man who eats caviar on impulse than in the
-man who eats Grap-Nuts on principle.
- -- G. K. Chesterton
-%
-There is more to life than increasing its speed.
- -- Mahatma Gandhi
-%
There is more to life than increasing its speed.
-- Mohandas K. Gandhi
%
No artist ever interpreted nature as freely as a lawyer interprets the truth.
-- Jean Giraudoux
%
-"There is no choice before us. Either we must Succeed in providing
+There is no choice before us. Either we must Succeed in providing
the rational coordination of impulses and guts, or for centuries
civilization will sink into a mere welter of minor excitements.
We must provide a Great Age or see the collapse of the upward
-striving of the human race"
+striving of the human race.
-- Alfred North Whitehead
%
There is no comfort without pain; thus
%
There once was a king who ruled his country long, wisely, and well. The
king had a son whom he hoped would someday rule the land. He also wished
-in his heart that the son ould be wise and compassionate. One day he said
+in his heart that the son would be wise and compassionate. One day he said
to the prince:
- "If you promised that you would give a certain women anything, even
+ "If you promised that you would give a certain woman anything, even
half of your kingdom, and then she demanded the life of your best friend,
what would your decision be, my son?"
The young prince thought for a moment and then said, "I would tell
%
There once was a king who ruled his country long, wisely, and well. The
king had a son whom he hoped would someday rule the land. He also wished
-in his heart that the son ould be wise and compassionate. One day he said
+in his heart that the son would be wise and compassionate. One day he said
to the prince:
- "If you promised that you would give a certain women anything, even
+ "If you promised that you would give a certain woman anything, even
half of your kingdom, and then she demanded the life of your best friend,
what would your decision be, my son?"
The young prince thought for a moment and then said, "I would tell
There seems no plan because it is all plan.
-- C. S. Lewis
%
-"There was a boy called Eustace Clarence Scrubb, and he almost deserved
-it."
+There was a boy called Eustace Clarence Scrubb, and he almost deserved it.
-- C. S. Lewis, "The Chronicles of Narnia"
%
There was a little girl
He said, "Yes, I know.
It's because I try to put every possible syllable into that last line that I can."
%
-"There was an interesting development in the CBS-Westmoreland trial:
+There was an interesting development in the CBS-Westmoreland trial:
both sides agreed that after the trial, Andy Rooney would be allowed to
talk to the jury for three minutes about little things that annoyed him
-during the trial."
+during the trial.
-- David Letterman
%
There was an old Indian belief that by making love on the hide of
(and you might not, if you had signed up too many times before).
-- Tracy Kidder, "The Soul of a New Machine"
%
-There was this New Yorker that had a lifelong ambition to be an Texan.
-Fortunately, he had an Texan friend and went to him for advice. "Mike,
+There was this New Yorker that had a lifelong ambition to be a Texan.
+Fortunately, he had a Texan friend and went to him for advice. "Mike,
you know I've always wanted to be a Texan. You're a *real* Texan, what
should I do?"
"Well," answered Mike, "The first thing you've got to do is look
telephone business?
%
There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when
-the boss asks for a lift home from office.
-%
-There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when
the boss asks for a lift home from the office.
%
There will be big changes for you but you will be happy.
There's a man deeply in debt, see, and he takes the money he has left
and goes to Monte Carlo to try to recoup at the roulette tables. Won a
little, lost a lot, and was down to his last franc. Prayed for help.
-A voice whispered in his ear: "Le rouge..." Man looked around; nobody
+A voice whispered in his ear: "Le rouge..." Man looked around; nobody
there. What the hell -- he puts his last franc on the red, and it won.
The voice immediately said, "Encore le rouge..." Played red again, and
it won again. The voice said, "Impair..." Played odd, and it won. Voice
any worse.
%
There's no room in the drug world for amateurs.
+ -- Raoul Duke
%
There's no saint like a reformed sinner.
%
Foreigners always spell better than they pronounce.
-- Mark Twain
%
-"They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary
-safety deserve neither liberty nor safety."
+They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary
+safety deserve neither liberty nor safety.
-- Benjamin Franklin, 1759
%
-"They told me I was gullible ... and I believed them!"
+They told me I was gullible ... and I believed them!
%
They told me you had proven it When they discovered our results
About a month before. Their hair began to curl
We quickly turned it into code
To see if it would run.
%
-They told me you had proven it
- About a month before.
-The proof was valid, more or less He sent them word that we would try
- But rather less than more. To pass where they had failed
- And after we were done, to them
- The new proof would be mailed.
-My notion was to start again
- Ignoring all they'd done
-We quickly turned it into code When they discovered our results
- To see if it would run. Their hair began to curl
- Instead of understanding it
- We'd run the thing through PRL.
-Don't tell a soul about all this
-For it must ever be
-A secret, kept from all the rest
-Between yourself and me.
-%
They took some of the Van Goghs, most
of the jewels, and all of the Chivas!
%
when the hostess has only twelve chops.
-- Groucho Marx
%
-"Thirty days hath Septober,
+Thirty days hath Septober,
April, June, and no wonder.
all the rest have peanut butter
-except my father who wears red suspenders."
+except my father who wears red suspenders.
%
Thirty white horses on a red hill,
First they champ,
speak of someone or something being flawed, impaired, marred, spoiled;
batty, bedlamite, bonkers, buggy, cracked, crazed, cuckoo, daft, demented,
deranged, loco, lunatic, mad, maniac, mindless, non compos mentis, nuts,
-Reaganite, screwy, teched, unbalanced, unsound, witless, wrong; senseless,
-spastic, spasmodic, convulsive; doped, spaced-out, stoned, zonked; {beef,
+Reaganite, screwy, teched, unbalanced, unsound, witless, wrong; senseless,
+spastic, spasmodic, convulsive; doped, spaced-out, stoned, zonked; {beef,
beetle,block,dung,thick}headed, dense, doltish, dull, duncical, numskulled,
-pinhead; asinine, fatuous, foolish, silly, simple; brute, lumbering, oafish;
+pinhead; asinine, fatuous, foolish, silly, simple; brute, lumbering, oafish;
half-assed, incompetent; backward, retarded, imbecilic, moronic; when we have
a whole precisely nuanced vocabulary of intellectual abuse to draw upon,
individually and in combination, isn't it a little <fill in the blank> to be
his bail is forfeit. That's the pink slip on your '74 Firebird, I believe.
Sorry, Jim, bring it on over.
%
-This is Marilyn Reed, I wanta talk to you... Is this a machine?
+This is Marilyn Reed, I wanta talk to you... Is this a machine?
I don't talk to machines! [Click]
%
This is National Non-Dairy Creamer Week.
largely concerned with the movements of small green pieces of paper,
which is odd because on the whole it wasn't the small green pieces of
paper that were unhappy.
- -- Douglas Adams
+ -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
%
"This process can check if this value is zero, and if it is, it does
something child-like."
will make violent revolution inevitable.
-- John F. Kennedy
%
-Those who profess to favor freedom, and yet deprecate agitation, are
+Those who profess to favor freedom, and yet depreciate agitation, are
men who want rain without thunder and lightning. They want the ocean
without the roar of its many waters.
-- Frederick Douglass
Time as he grows old teaches all things.
-- Aeschylus
%
-Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
-%
Time flies like an arrow, but fruit flies like a banana.
%
Time goes, you say?
Yes, you too can take advantage of the amazing properties of Dot-Product. Use
it to calculate forces, velocities, displacements, and virtually any vector
components. How much would you pay for it? But wait, it also calculates the
-work done in Joules, Ergs, and, yes, even BTU's. Divide Dot-Product by the
+work done in Joules, Ergs, and, yes, even BTUs. Divide Dot-Product by the
magnitude of the vectors and it becomes an instant angle calculator! Now, how
much would you pay? All this can be yours for the low, low price of $19.95!!
But that's not all! If you order before midnight, you'll also get "Famous
To a Californian, a person must prove himself criminally insane before he
is allowed to drive a taxi in New York. For New York cabbies, honesty and
stopping at red lights are both optional.
- -- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts
+ -- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts"
%
To a Californian, all New Yorkers are cold; even in heat they rarely go
above fifty-eight degrees. If you collapse on a street in New York, plan
to spend a few days there.
- -- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts
+ -- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts"
%
To a Californian, the basic difference between the people and the pigeons
in New York is that the pigeons don't shit on each other.
- -- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts
+ -- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts"
%
To a New Yorker, all Californians are blond, even the blacks. There are,
in fact, whole neighborhoods that are zoned only for blond people. The
only way to tell the difference between California and Sweden is that the
-Swedes speak better English."
- -- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts
+Swedes speak better English.
+ -- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts"
%
To a New Yorker, the only California houses on the market for less than
a million dollars are those on fire. These generally go for six hundred
thousand.
- -- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts
+ -- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts"
%
To accuse others for one's own misfortunes is a sign of want of education.
To accuse oneself shows that one's education has begun. To accuse neither
Yabba-Dabba-Doo!
-- F. Flintstone
%
-To be is to do.
- -- I. Kant
-To do is to be.
- -- A. Sartre
-Yabba-Dabba-Doo!
- -- F. Flintstone
-%
To be loved is very demoralizing.
-- Katharine Hepburn
%
%
To err is human, to forgive unusual.
%
-To err is human, to moo bovine.
-%
To err is human, to purr feline.
To err is human, two curs canine.
To err is human, to moo bovine.
as much as it is possible for you to receive of this thing, and which may
in some way be influenced by this ceremony.
Amen.
- -- Roger Zelazny, "Creatures of Light and Darkness"
+ -- Roger Zelazny, "Creatures of Light and Darkness", 1969
%
To understand a program you must become both the machine and the program.
%
%
Tomorrow will be canceled due to lack of interest.
%
-Tomorrow will be cancelled due to lack of interest.
-%
Tomorrow, you can be anywhere.
%
Tomorrow's computers some time next month.
I'm the person your mother warned you about.
%
Toto, I don't think we're in Kansas anymore.
- -- Judy Garland, "Wizard of Oz"
+ -- Judy Garland, "The Wizard of Oz"
%
Tourists -- have some fun with New York's hard-boiled cabbies. When you
get to your destination, say to your driver, "Pay? I was hitch-hiking."
Troubled day for virgins over 16 who are beautiful, wealthy, and live
in eucalyptus trees.
%
-Troubled day for virgins over 16 who are
-beautiful and wealthy and live in eucalyptus trees.
-%
Troubles are like babies; they only grow by nursing.
%
True happiness will be found only in true love.
-- Norman Augustine
%
Trust everybody, but cut the cards.
- -- Finlay Peter Dunne, "Mr. Dooley's Philosophy"
+ -- Finley Peter Dunne, "Mr. Dooley's Philosophy"
%
Trust in Allah, but tie your camel.
-- Arabian proverb
%
Truth will be out this morning. (Which may really mess things up.)
%
-Truth will out this morning. (Which may really mess things up.)
-%
Truthful, adj.:
Dumb and illiterate.
-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
And the red bank bayonne.
-- Paul Kieffer
%
-'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves And as in uffish thought he stood
-Did gyre and gimble in the wabe. The Jabberwock, with eyes aflame
-All mimsy were the borogroves Came whuffling through the tulgey wood
-And the mome raths outgrabe. And burbled as it came!
-
-"Beware the Jabberwock, my son! One! Two! One! Two!
-The jaws that bite, and through and through
- the claws that catch! The vorpal blade went snicker-snack.
-Beware the Jubjub bird, He left it dead, and took its head,
-And shun the frumious Bandersnatch!" And went galumphing back.
-
-He took his vorpal sword in hand "Hast thou slain the Jabberwock?
-Long time the manxome foe he sought. Come to my arms, my beamish boy!
-So rested he by the tumtum tree Oh frabjous day! Calooh! Callay!"
-And stood awhile in thought. He chortled in his joy.
-
- 'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
- Did gyre and gimble in the wabe.
- All mimsy were the borogroves
- -- Lewis Carroll
-%
'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe. "Beware the Jabberwock, my son!
All mimsy were the borogroves The jaws that bite, the claws
world.
-- Isaac Asimov
%
-Universe, n.:
+universe, n:
The problem.
%
Universities are places of knowledge. The freshman each bring a little
Like a software house, except the software's free, and it's
usable, and it works, and if it breaks they'll quickly tell you how to
fix it, and ...
-%
-University, n.:
- Like a software house, except the software's free, and it's
-usable, and it works, and if it breaks they'll quickly tell you how to
-fix it, and ...
[Okay, okay, I'll leave it in, but I think you're destroying
the credibility of the entire fortune program. Ed.]
User, n.:
A programmer who will believe anything you tell him.
%
-USER, n.:
- The word computer professionals use when they mean "idiot."
- -- Dave Barry, "Claw Your Way to the Top"
-%
-user, n:
+user, n.:
The word computer professionals use when they mean "idiot."
-- Dave Barry, "Claw Your Way to the Top"
(2) If a straight line fit is required, obtain only two data
points.
%
-Veni, Vidi, Visa.
-%
Veni, Vidi, VISA:
I came, I saw, I did a little shopping.
%
Alone's unhurt, so the blind man sees best.
-- Dylan Thomas, "Was There A Time"
%
-Washington, D.C. Wasting your money since 1810.
-%
Washington, D.C: Fifty square miles almost completely surrounded by reality.
%
Washington [D.C.] is a city of Southern efficiency and Northern charm.
the people -- the big, the bland and the banal.
-- Ada Louise Huxtable
%
+Washington, D.C: Wasting your money since 1810.
+%
Wasn't there something about a PASCAL programmer
knowing the value of everything and the Wirth of nothing?
%
We are what we are.
%
We are what we pretend to be.
- -- Kurt Vonnegut Jr.
+ -- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.
%
We can defeat gravity. The problem is the paperwork involved.
%
beautiful Universe, Our home.
-- "Gravitation", Misner, Thorne, and Wheeler
%
-"We demand rigidly defined areas of doubt and uncertainty!"
+We demand rigidly defined areas of doubt and uncertainty!
-- Vroomfondel
%
We don't believe in rheumatism and true love until after the first attack.
-- Marie Ebner von Eschenbach
%
-"We don't care. We don't have to. We're the Phone Company."
+We don't care. We don't have to. We're the Phone Company.
%
We don't care how they do it in New York.
%
If it's the last thing we ever do.
-- The Animals
%
-"We had it tough ... I had to get up at 9 o'clock at night, half an
+We had it tough ... I had to get up at 9 o'clock at night, half an
hour before I went to bed, eat a lump of dry poison, work 29 hours down
mill, and when we came home our Dad would kill us, and dance about on
our grave singing Hallelujah ...
-- Monty Python
%
-We have a equal opportunity Calculus class -- it's fully integrated.
+We have an equal opportunity Calculus class -- it's fully integrated.
%
We have art that we do not die of the truth.
-- Friedrich Nietzsche
%
We have seen the light at the end of the tunnel, and it's out.
%
-We have the flu. I don't know if this particular strain has an official
-name, but if it does, it must be something like "Martian Death Flu". You
-may have had it yourself. The main symptom is that you wish you had another
-setting on your electric blanket, up past "HIGH", that said "ELECTROCUTION".
- Another symptom is that you cease brushing your teeth, because (a)
-your teeth hurt, and (b) you lack the strength. Midway through the brushing
-process, you'd have to lie down in front of the sink to rest for a couple
-of hours, and rivulets of toothpaste foam would dribble sideways out of your
-mouth, eventually hardening into crusty little toothpaste stalagmites that
-would bond your head permanently to the bathroom floor, which is how the
-police would find you.
- You know the kind of flu I'm talking about.
- -- Dave Barry
-%
We have the flu. I don't know if this particular strain has an
official name, but if it does, it must be something like "Martian Death
Flu". You may have had it yourself. The main symptom is that you wish
...we must be wary of granting too much power to natural selection
by viewing all basic capacities of our brain as direct adaptations.
I do not doubt that natural selection acted in building our oversized
-brains -- and I am equally confidant that our brains became large as
+brains -- and I am equally confident that our brains became large as
an adaptation for definite roles (probably a complex set of interacting
functions). But these assumptions do not lead to the notion, often
uncritically embraced by strict Darwinians, that all major capacities
We must finish once and for all with the neutrality of chess. We must
condemn once and for all the formula "chess for the sake of chess," like
the formula "art for art's sake." We must organize shock-brigades of
-chess-play ers, and begin the immediate realization of a Five-Year Plan
+chess-players, and begin the immediate realization of a Five-Year Plan
for chess.
-- Nikolai V. Krylenko, People's Commissar for Justice
(of RFSFR, later of USSR), speaking at a 1932 Congress
Wedding is destiny, and hanging likewise.
-- John Heywood
%
-Wedding, n:
+Wedding, n.:
A ceremony at which two persons undertake to become one, one
undertakes to become nothing and nothing undertakes to become
supportable.
- -- Ambrose Bierce
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
Wedding rings are the world's smallest handcuffs.
%
Weinberg's Second Law:
If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs,
then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.
+ -- Gerald Weinberg
%
Weiner's Law of Libraries:
There are no answers, only cross references.
hundred."
-- The Mahabharata
%
-"We'll cross out that bridge when we come back to it later."
-%
We'll cross that bridge when we come back to it later.
%
Well, didja wake up grouchy or did you let her sleep?
to see what they did, and scale it down and run his life that way.
-- Laurie Anderson
%
-Well, here it is, 1983, so it won't be long before you start reading a lot
-of boring stories about people like Vance Hartke. Hartke is a governor or
-mayor or something from one of the flatter states, and the reason you'll be
-reading about him is that he's one of the 50 top contenders for the 1984
-Democratic presidential nomination. These men will spend the next 18 months
-going around the country engaging in the most degrading activities imaginable,
-such as wearing idiot hats and appearing on "Meet the Press". "Meet the
-Press" is one of those Sunday morning public interest shows that the public
-is not the least bit interested in. It features a panel of reporters who
-ask questions of a guest politician, who wins an Amana home freezer if he
-can get through the entire show without answering a single question.
- -- Dave Barry
-%
Well, here it is, 1983, so it won't be long before you start reading a
lot of boring stories about people like Vance Hartke. Hartke is a
governor or mayor or something from one of the flatter states, and the
you believe?!"
-- Bullwinkle J. Moose [Jay Ward]
%
-Well, if you can't believe what you read
-in a comic book, what *can* you believe?
- -- Bullwinkle J. Moose
-%
Well, I'm disenchanted too. We're all disenchanted.
-- James Thurber
%
%
We're happy little Vegemites,
As bright as bright can be.
-We all all enjoy our Vegemite
+We all enjoy our Vegemite
For breakfast, lunch and tea.
%
Were it not for the presence of the unwashed and the half-educated, the
%
What a misfortune to be a woman! And yet, the worst misfortune is not to
understand what a misfortune it is.
- -- Kierkegaard, 1813-1855
+ -- S. A. Kierkegaard (1813-1855)
%
What a strange game. The only winning move is not to play.
-- WOP, "War Games"
%
What color is a chameleon on a mirror?
%
-What did ya do with your burder and your cross?
+What did ya do with your burden and your cross?
Did you carry it yourself or did you cry?
You and I know that a burden and a cross,
Can only be carried on one man's back.
%
What garlic is to salad, insanity is to art.
%
-"What George Washington did for us was to throw out the British, so
+What George Washington did for us was to throw out the British, so
that we wouldn't have a fat, insensitive government running our
-country. Nice try anyway, George."
+country. Nice try anyway, George.
-- D. J. on KSFO/KYA
%
What goes up must come down. But don't expect it to come down
What I mean (and everybody else means) by the word QUALITY cannot be
broken down into subjects and predicates. This is not because Quality
is so mysterious but because Quality is so simple, immediate, and direct.
- -- R. Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance"
+ -- Robert Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance"
%
What I tell you three times is true.
-- Lewis Carroll
%
-"What I think is that the F-word is basically just a convenient nasty-
+What I think is that the F-word is basically just a convenient nasty-
sounding word that we tend to use when we would really like to come up
with a terrifically witty insult, the kind Winston Churchill always
came up with when enormous women asked him stupid questions at
%
What is mind? No matter.
What is matter? Never mind.
- -- Thomas Hewitt Key, 1799-1875
+ -- Thomas Hewitt Key (1799-1875)
%
What is now proved was once only imagin'd.
-- William Blake
"I've just GOT to start labeling my software..."
-- Bloom County
%
-"What is the robbing of a bank compared to the FOUNDING of a bank?"
- -- Bertolt Brecht
-%
What is the sound of one hand clapping?
%
What is this line of duty, and suffering? You are not supposed to suffer
%
What is worth doing is worth the trouble of asking somebody to do.
%
-What is worth doing is worth the trouble of asking somebody to do it.
-%
"What I've done, of course, is total garbage."
-- R. Willard, Pure Math 430a
%
more than man's transparency.
-- George Nathan
%
-What passes for woman's intuition
-is often nothing more than man's transparency.
-%
What publishers are looking for these days isn't radical feminism.
It's corporate feminism -- a brand of feminism designed to sell books
and magazines, three-piece suits, airline tickets, Scotch, cigarettes
%
What this country needs is a good five dollar plasma weapon.
%
-What this world needs is a good five-dollar plasma weapon.
-%
What time is it?
I don't know, it keeps changing.
%
%
What's all this bru-ha-ha?
%
-"What's another word for Thesaurus?"
+What's another word for "thesaurus"?
-- Steven Wright
%
What's done to children, they will do to society.
When a shepherd goes to kill a wolf, and takes his dog along to see the
sport, he should take care to avoid mistakes. The dog has certain
relationships to the wolf the shepherd may have forgotten.
- -- Robert Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle
- Maintenance"
+ -- Robert Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance"
%
When a woman gives me a present I have always two surprises:
first is the present, and afterward, having to pay for it.
-- Reuben Flagg
%
When arguments fail, use a blackjack.
- -- Ed "Spike" O'Donnell
-%
-When arguments fail, use a blackjack.
-- Edward "Spike" O'Donnell, Al Capone associate
%
When asked by an anthropologist what the Indians called America before
easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger
handle this?"
%
-When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by
-reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"
-%
When Cthulhu calls, He calls collect!
%
When democracy granted democratic methods to us in times of opposition, this
%
When I was a child... We had a quick-sand box in the backyard...
I was an only child... eventually.
- -- Stephen Wright
+ -- Steven Wright
%
When I was a kid I said to my father one afternoon, "Daddy, will you
take me to the zoo?" He answered, "If the zoo wants you let them come
it is necessary not to make a decision.
%
When it's dark enough you can see the stars.
- -- Ralph Waldo Emerson,
+ -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
%
When license fees are too high,
users do things by hand.
and I find I mind it less and less."
-- Louise Andrews Kent
%
-When oxygen Tech played Hydrogen U.
+When Oxygen Tech played Hydrogen U.
The Game had just begun, when Hydrogen scored two fast points
And Oxygen still had none
Then Oxygen scored a single goal
"But what kind of chauffeur was it?" Having been told by his aides
not that he had been shot but that he had been struck by a taxi, the
President spent the last conscious moments of his life wondering how
- how an automobile got into the charity book sale at the Maison
+ an automobile got into the charity book sale at the Maison
Rothschild, where his assassination occurred.
%
When properly administered, vacations do not diminish productivity:
%
When the revolution comes, count your change.
%
-When the saleman's car broke down, he walked to the nearest farmhouse to ask
+When the salesman's car broke down, he walked to the nearest farmhouse to ask
if he could stay the night. The farmer agreed to put him up. "I live alone,"
he continued, "you can have the bedroom at the top of the stairs, to the
right."
"Oh, never mind," the disappointed salesman said. "I think I'm in
the wrong joke."
%
-When the speaker and he to whom he is speaks do not understand, that is
+When the speaker and he to whom he is speaking do not understand, that is
metaphysics.
-- Voltaire
%
except our fingertips will have been singed.
-- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
%
-When we understand knowledge-based systems, it will be
-as before -- except our finger-tips will have been singed.
-%
When we write programs that "learn",
it turns out we do and they don't.
%
When you dig another out of trouble,
you've got a place to bury your own.
%
-When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly.
-%
When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
%
When you don't know what you are doing, do it neatly.
%
-When you find yourself in danger, when you're threatened by a stranger,
-When it looks like you will take a lickin'...
-There is one thing you should learn,
-When there is no one else to turn to,
-Caaaall for Super Chicken (**bwuck-bwuck-bwuck-bwuck**)
-Caaaall for Super Chicken!!
-%
When you find yourself in danger,
When you're threatened by a stranger,
When it looks like you will take a lickin'...
There is one thing you should learn,
When there is no one else to turn to,
- Caaaall for Super Chicken!! (**bwuck-bwuck-bwuck-bwuck**)
+ Caaaall for Super Chicken!! (**bwuck-bwuck-bwuck-bwuck**)
Caaaall for Super Chicken!!
%
-When you find yourself in danger,
-When you're threatened by a stranger,
-When it looks like you will take a lickin'...
-There is one thing you should learn,
-When there is no one else to turn to,
-Caaaaaall for Super Chicken.
-%
-When you get what you want in your struggle for self
-And the world makes you king for a day,
-Just go to a mirror and look at yourself
-And see what that man has to say.
- For it isn't your father or mother or wife
- Whose judgement upon you must pass;
- The fellow whose verdict counts most in your life
- Is the one staring back from the glass.
-Some people may think you a straight-shootin' chum
-And call you a wonderful guy,
-But the man in the glass says you're only a bum
-If you can't look him straight in the eye.
- He's the fellow to please, never mind all the rest,
- For he's with you clear up to the end,
- And you've passed your most dangerous, difficult test
- If the man in the glass is your friend.
-You may fool the whole world down the pathway of life
+When you get what you want in your struggle for pelf,
+And the world makes you King for a day,
+Then go to the mirror and look at yourself,
+And see what that guy has to say.
+ For it isn't your Father, or Mother, or Wife,
+ Who judgement upon you must pass.
+ The feller whose verdict counts most in your life
+ Is the guy staring back from the glass.
+He's the feller to please, never mind all the rest,
+For he's with you clear up to the end,
+And you've passed your most dangerous, difficult test
+If the guy in the glass is your friend.
+ You may be like Jack Horner and "chisel" a plum,
+ And think you're a wonderful guy,
+ But the man in the glass says you're only a bum
+ If you can't look him straight in the eye.
+You can fool the whole world down the pathway of years,
And get pats on the back as you pass,
But your final reward will be heartaches and tears
-If you've cheated the man in the glass.
+If you've cheated the guy in the glass.
+ -- Dale Wimbrow (1895-1954), "The Guy in the Glass" (1934)
+ [Pelf is a Middle English word for wealth or riches,
+ especially when acquired dishonestly. Ed.]
%
When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve
people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
When you're away, I'm restless, lonely
Wretched, bored, dejected, only
Here's the rub, my darling dear,
-I feel the same when you are hear.
- -- Samuel Hoffenstein, "Poems in Praise of Practically Nothing"
-%
-When you're away, I'm restless, lonely,
-Wretched, bored, dejected; only
-Here's the rub, my darling dear
I feel the same when you are near.
- -- Samuel Hoffenstein, "When You're Away"
+ -- Samuel Hoffenstein, "Poems in Praise of Practically Nothing"
%
When you're bored with yourself, marry, and be bored with someone else.
-- David Pryce-Jones
to become a parrot or something.
-- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican", 1988.
%
-Whenever anyone says, "theoretically", they really mean, "not really".
+Whenever anyone says, "theoretically," they really mean "not really".
-- Dave Parnas
%
Whenever I date a guy, I think, is this the man I want my children
Where are the calculations that go with a calculated risk?
%
WHERE CAN THE MATTER BE
-
Oh, dear, where can the matter be
When it's converted to energy?
There is a slight loss of parity.
Where do you go to get anorexia?
-- Shelley Winters
%
-where everything is reversed, after which the point becomes to understand
-more and more that there is something which cannot be understood.
- -- S. Kierkegaard
-%
Where humor is concerned there are no standards -- no one can say what
is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.
-- John Kenneth Galbraith
Go on, do not rest.
-- An old Gujarati hymn
%
-Whether you can hear it or not,
-The Universe is laughing behind your back.
-%
Whether you can hear it or not
The Universe is laughing behind your back
-- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
safe, for you can watch both of his.
-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
-While your friend holds you affectionately by both
-your hands you are safe, for you can watch both of his.
-%
Whip it, whip it good!
%
Whistler's Law:
%
Whom computers would destroy, they must first drive insane.
%
-Whom computers would destroy, they must first drive mad.
-%
Whom the gods wish to destroy they first call promising.
%
Whom the mad would destroy, first they make Gods.
Having worked for poor management, they no longer value their jobs.
-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
%
-"Why are we importing all these highbrow plays like `Amadeus'? I could
-have told you Mozart was a jerk for nothing."
+Why are we importing all these highbrow plays like "Amadeus"? I could
+have told you Mozart was a jerk for nothing.
-- Ian Shoales
%
Why are you so hard to ignore?
"Why be a man when you can be a success?"
-- Bertolt Brecht
%
-Why be difficult when, with a bit of effort, you could be impossible?
-%
-Why be difficult, when, with just a little effort, you can be impossible?
-%
Why be difficult, when, with just a
little more effort, you can be impossible?
%
-- I've got a Friends of the Lowly Rutabaga meeting.
-- I promised to help a friend fold road maps.
%
-Why I Can't Go Out With You:
-
-I'd LOVE to, but ...
- -- I have to floss my cat.
- -- I've dedicated my life to linguini.
- -- I need to spend more time with my blender.
- -- it wouldn't be fair to the other Beautiful People.
- -- it's my night to pet the dog/ferret/goldfish/radio.
- -- I'm going downtown to try on some gloves.
- -- I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products.
- -- I'm due at the bakery to watch the buns rise.
- -- I have an appointment with a cuticle specialist.
- -- I have some really hard words to look up.
-%
Why is it called a funny bone when it hurts so much?
%
Why is it taking so long for her to bring out all the good in you?
-- Mark Twain
%
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
- -- Stephen Wright
+ -- Steven Wright
%
"Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?"
-- Lily Tomlin
Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity...
If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your
head... if you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick...
- -- Stephen Wright
+ -- Steven Wright
%
Winter is nature's way of saying, "Up yours."
-- Robert Byrne
Wishing without work is like fishing without bait.
-- Frank Tyger
%
-WIT:
+Wit, n.:
The salt with which the American Humorist spoils his cookery...
by leaving it out.
-%
-Wit, n.:
- The salt with which the American Humorist spoils his cookery
-... by leaving it out.
-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
With a gentleman I try to be a gentleman and a half, and with a fraud I
With a rubber duck, one's never alone.
-- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
%
-With all the fancy scientists in the world, why can't they just once
-build a nuclear balm?
-%
With all the fancy scientists in the world,
why can't they just once build a nuclear balm.
%
Grinning ear to ear, the jock boasted, "I get about twenty-five in
the city and forty on the highway."
%
-With the end of the football season, a star player on the college team was
-celebrating the relaxation of his curfew by attending a late-night campus
-party. Soon after arriving, he was captivated by a beautiful coed and
-eased into a conversation with her by asking if she met many dates at
-parties.
- "Oh, I have a three point eight, so I'm much more attracted to the
-strong academic types than to the dumb party animals," she said. "What's
-you G.P.A.?"
- Grinning from ear to ear, the jock boasted, "I get at least
-twenty-five in the city and forty on the highway!"
-%
With women, I've got a long bamboo pole with a leather loop on the end of
it. I slip the loop around their necks so they can't get away or come too
close. Like catching snakes.
WOLF:
A man who knows all the ankles.
%
-WOMAN:
- An animal usually living in the vicinity of Man, and
- having a rudimentary susceptibility to domestication.
- -- Ambrose Bierce
-%
Woman: "Is Yoo-Hoo hyphenated?"
Yogi Berra: "No, ma'am, its not even carbonated."
%
between a good and a bad woman scarcely exists.
-- Tolstoy
%
+Woman, n.:
+ An animal usually living in the vicinity of Man, and
+ having a rudimentary susceptibility to domestication.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
Woman on Street: Sir, you are drunk; very, very drunk.
Winston Churchill: Madame, you are ugly; very, very ugly.
I shall be sober in the morning.
damage my videotapes?"
%
Worst Vegetable of the Year:
- The brussels sprout. This is also the worst vegetable of next
-year.
+ Brussel sprout. This is also the worst vegetable of next year.
-- Steve Rubenstein
%
Worth seeing?
"analytical engine" invented by Charles Babbage, September
15, 1842.
%
-WOTD:
-
- `
-
-%
Would it help if I got out and pushed?
-- Princess Leia Organa
%
%
XIIdigitation, n.:
The practice of trying to determine the year a movie was made
-by deciphering the Roman numerals at the end of the credits.
+ by deciphering the Roman numerals at the end of the credits.
-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
%
XLI:
doing things their way; most of the time, they have been right.
-- Stephen C. Johnson, "Yacc guide acknowledgements"
%
-Ya'll hear about the geometer who went to the beach to catch some
+Y'all hear about the geometer who went to the beach to catch some
rays and became a tangent ?
%
Yawd [noun, Bostonese]: the campus of Have Id.
1983* Never Say Never Again Sean Connery
1985 A View To A Kill Roger Moore 1960 (novelette)
1987 The Living Daylights Timothy Dalton 1965 (novelette)
- * -- Not a Broccoli production.
+ * -- Not a Broccoli production
%
Year, n.:
A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments.
%
Yield to temptation; it may not pass your way again.
%
-YINKEL:
- A person who combs his hair over his bald spot,
- hoping no one will notice.
- -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
-%
Yinkel, n.:
A person who combs his hair over his bald spot, hoping no one
will notice.
You are never given a wish without also being given the
power to make it true. You may have to work for it, however.
-- R. Bach, "Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for
- the Advanced Soul"
+ the Advanced Soul"
%
You are not a fool just because you have done
something foolish -- only if the folly of it escapes you.
%
You can bring any calculator you like to the midterm, as long as it
doesn't dim the lights when you turn it on.
- -- Hepler, CS, University of Washington
-%
-"You can bring any calculator you like to the midterm, as long as it
-doesn't dim the lights when you turn it on."
- -- Hepler, Systems Design 182
+ -- Hepler, Systems Design 182, University of Washington
%
You can bring men from other parts of the world who are sane. And you
know what happens? At the very moment they cross those mountains...
%
You can do this in a number of ways. IBM chose to do all of them.
Why do you find that funny?
- -- D. Taylor, CS, University of Washington
+ -- D. Taylor, Computer Science 350, University of Washington
%
You can do very well in speculation where
land or anything to do with dirt is concerned.
You can get much further with a kind word and a
gun than you can with a kind word alone.
-- Al Capone
- [Also attributed to Johnny Carson. Ed.]
+ [Also attributed to Johnny Carson. Ed.]
%
You can get there from here, but why on earth would you want to?
%
for instance.
-- Franklin P. Jones
%
-You can make it illegal, but can't make it unpopular.
-%
You can make it illegal, but you can't make it unpopular.
%
You can measure a programmer's perspective by noting his attitude on
the continuing viability of FORTRAN.
-- Alan Perlis
%
-You can measure a programmer's perspective by noting
-his attitude on the continuing vitality of FORTRAN.
-%
You can move the world with an idea,
but you have to think of it first.
%
%
You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish.
%
-"You can write a small letter to Grandma in the filename."
- -- Forbes Burkowski, Computer Science 454
-%
You can write a small letter to Grandma in the filename.
- -- Forbes Burkowski, CS, University of Washington
+ -- Forbes Burkowski, Computer Science 454,
+ University of Washington
%
You canna change the laws of physics, Captain;
I've got to have thirty minutes!
%
You can't go home again, unless you set $HOME.
%
-"You can't have everything. Where would you put it?"
+You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
-- Steven Wright
%
You can't have your cake and let your neighbor eat it too.
%
You first parent of the human race... who ruined yourself for an apple,
what might you have done for a truffled turkey?
- -- Brillat-Savarin, "Physiologie du Gout"
+ -- Brillat-Savarin, "Physiologie du go^\but"
%
You get along very well with everyone except animals and people.
%
%
You know, of course, that the Tasmanians, who never committed adultery,
are now extinct.
- -- M. Somerset Maugham
+ -- W. Somerset Maugham
%
You know that feeling you get when you are tipping your chair back and you
almost go crashing back on the floor but you just catch yourself? I feel
like that all the time.
- -- Stephen Wright
+ -- Steven Wright
%
You know, the difference between this company and
the Titanic is that the Titanic had paying customers.
are merely deputies of that one.
-- Nero Wolfe
%
-"You must realize that the computer has it in for you. The irrefutable
-proof of this is that the computer always does what you tell it to do."
+You must realize that the computer has it in for you. The irrefutable
+proof of this is that the computer always does what you tell it to do.
%
You need more time; and you probably always will.
%
You see things; and you say "Why?"
But I dream things that never were; and I say "Why not?"
-- George Bernard Shaw, "Back to Methuselah"
- [No, it wasn't J. F. Kennedy. Ed.]
+ [No, it wasn't John F. Kennedy. Ed.]
%
You see, wire telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull
his tail in New York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you
about 10^12 to 1.
-- Ernest Rutherford
%
-You should never bet against anything in science at
-odds of more than about ten to the twelfth to one.
- -- Ernest Rutherford
-%
You should never ride in an airplane with a sports team,
because if the plane goes down, it's you they're gonna eat!
-- Gordon Downie, singer for Tragically Hip
hemorrhoids.
-- Dave Barry, "The Stuff of Etiquette"
%
-"You should, without hesitation, pound your typewriter into a
-plowshare, your paper into fertilizer, and enter agriculture."
+You should, without hesitation, pound your typewriter into a
+plowshare, your paper into fertilizer, and enter agriculture.
-- Business Professor, University of Georgia
%
You shouldn't have to pay for your love with your bones and your flesh.
important and can obfuscate and confuse with the best."
Mr. Watkins had this to say: "Ten short days ago all I could look forward
-to was a dead-end job as a engineer. Now I have a promising future and
+to was a dead-end job as an engineer. Now I have a promising future and
make really big Zorkmids."
MIT Tech can't promise these fantastic results to everyone, but when
%
You'll feel much better once you've given up hope.
%
-"You'll never be the man your mother was!"
+You'll never be the man your mother was!
%
You'll never see all the places, or read all the
books, but fortunately, they're not all recommended.
%
Your lucky number has been disconnected.
%
-Your lucky number is 3552664958674928. Watch for it everywhere.
+Your lucky number is 3552664958674928.
+Watch for it everywhere.
%
Your manuscript is both good and original, but the part that is good is not
original and the part that is original is not good.
Where were you born? Where is your home? Where are you going? What
are you doing? Think about these once in awhile and watch your answers
change.
- -- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul
+ -- Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul
%
Your own qualities will help prevent your advancement in the world.
%
You're growing out of some of your problems,
but there are others that you're growing into.
%
-"You're just the sort of person I imagined marrying, when I was little...
-except, y'know, not green... and without all the patches of fungus."
+You're just the sort of person I imagined marrying, when I was little...
+except, y'know, not green... and without all the patches of fungus.
-- Swamp Thing
%
You're never too old to become younger.
and now you're telling me just to be myself?
-- The Return of the Secaucus Seven
%
-"You've got to have a gimmick if your band sucks."
+You've got to have a gimmick if your band sucks.
-- Gary Giddens
%
You've got to pity New Mexico... so far from heaven and so close to Texas.
%
-"You've got to think about tomorrow!"
+You've got to think about tomorrow!
"TOMORROW! I haven't even prepared for *_________\b\b\b\b\b\b\b\b\byesterday* yet!"
%
uqs's projects / games.git / commitdiff