From: Ulrich Spörlein Date: Sat, 6 Feb 2010 10:19:26 +0000 (+0100) Subject: fortune(6): fix more typos, whitespace, remove dupes X-Git-Url: https://gitweb.dragonflybsd.org/~uqs/games.git/commitdiff_plain/5e79e90c34d396496d36a8ca6eaa72f8415bbb3e fortune(6): fix more typos, whitespace, remove dupes Fixes are courtesy of FreeBSD. --- diff --git a/games/fortune/datfiles/fortunes b/games/fortune/datfiles/fortunes index 84bb3504dd..c1c6707695 100644 --- a/games/fortune/datfiles/fortunes +++ b/games/fortune/datfiles/fortunes @@ -279,24 +279,10 @@ you came from. Your kind are not welcome here.) The correct answer is d. You should test your car's horn at least once every hour, and more often at night or in residential neighborhoods. -% - Pittsburgh Driver's Test - -(7) The car directly in front of you has a flashing right tail light - but a steady left tail light. This means - - (a) one of the tail lights is broken; you should blow your horn - to call the problem to the driver's attention. - (b) the driver is signaling a right turn. - (c) the driver is signaling a left turn. - (d) the driver is from out of town. - -The correct answer is (d). Tail lights are used in some foreign -countries to signal turns. % Pittsburgh driver's test 7: The car directly in front of you has a flashing right tail light - but a steady left tail light. + but a steady left tail light. This means a) One of the tail lights is broken. You should blow your horn to call the problem to the driver's attention. b) The driver is signaling a right turn. @@ -304,18 +290,6 @@ countries to signal turns. d) The driver is from out of town. The correct answer is d. Tail lights are used in some foreign countries to signal turns. -% - Pittsburgh Driver's Test - -(8) Pedestrians are - - (a) irrelevant. - (b) communists. - (c) a nuisance. - (d) difficult to clean off the front grille. - -The correct answer is (a). Pedestrians are not in cars, so they are -totally irrelevant to driving; you should ignore them completely. % Pittsburgh driver's test 8: Pedestrians are @@ -446,18 +420,6 @@ Chorus: book, which you can pick up for $23.95 at finer bookstores and bathroom supply outlets (or 99 cents at the table in front of Papyrus Books). -% - Answers to Last Fortunes' Questions: -1) None. (Moses didn't have an ark). -2) Your mother, by the pigeonhole principle. -3) You don't know. Neither does your boss. -4) Who cares? -5) 6 (or maybe 4, or else 3). Mr. Alfred J. Duncan of Podunk, Montana, - submitted an interesting solution to Problem 5. Unfortunately, I lost it. -6) I know the answer to this one, but I'm not telling! Suffer! Ha-ha-ha!! -7) There is an interesting solution to this problem on page 10,953 of my - book, which you can pick up for $23.95 at finer bookstores and bathroom - supply outlets (or 99 cents at the table in front of Papyrus Books). % DETERIORATA @@ -492,13 +454,19 @@ Control and Meta side by side, Augmented ASCII, nine bits wide! Double bucky, a half a thousand glyphs, plus a few! +Oh, I sure wish that I, +Had a couple of bits more! +Perhaps a set of pedals to make the number of bits four. + Double bucky, left and right OR'd together, outta sight! Double bucky, I'd like a whole word of Double bucky, I'm happy I heard of Double bucky, I'd like a whole word of you! - -- Guy L. Steele, Jr., (C) 1978 + (to Nicholas Wirth, who suggested that an extra bit + be added to terminal codes on 36-bit machines for use + by screen editors.) % Gimmie That Old Time Religion We will follow Zarathustra, We will worship like the Druids, @@ -716,7 +684,7 @@ I found a thesis topic: William Safire's Rules for Writers: Remember to never split an infinitive. The passive voice should never -be used. Do not put statements in the negative form. Verbs have to +be used. Do not put statements in the negative form. Verbs has to agree with their subjects. Proofread carefully to see if you words out. If you reread your work, you can find on rereading a great deal of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing. A writer must @@ -765,7 +733,7 @@ computer is so important, what the words *fatal error* mean, and who and what you should blame when you make a mistake. Yes, I want the brochure describing this incredible offer. - I enclose $1000 is small unmarked bills to cover the cost of + I enclose $1000 in small unmarked bills to cover the cost of postage and handling. (No live poultry, please.) *** Our Slogan: Top down programming for the masses. *** @@ -931,6 +899,9 @@ that, the Garden and the world were created. So God must have been an architect." The computer scientist, who had listened to all of this said, "Yes, but where do you think the chaos came from?" +% + A domineering man married a mere wisp of a girl. He came back from +his honeymoon a chastened man. He'd become aware of the will of the wisp. % A farm in the country side had several turkeys, it was known as the house of seven gobbles. @@ -1190,7 +1161,7 @@ mysterious setting?" And suddenly the novice was enlightened. -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" % - A master was explaining the nature of Tao to one of his + A master was explaining the nature of the Tao to one of his novices. "The Tao is embodied in all software -- regardless of how insignificant," said the master. @@ -1206,7 +1177,7 @@ insignificant," said the master. The master coughed and shifted his position slightly. "The lesson is over for today," he said. - -- "The Tao of Programming" + -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" % A MODERN FABLE @@ -1239,7 +1210,7 @@ new theatrical season. "Who am I to stone the first cast?" the death of composer Edward MacDowell. She played the elegy for the pianist Josef Hoffman, then asked his opinion. "Well, it's quite nice," he replied, but don't you think it would be better if ..." - "If what?" asked the composer. + "If what?" asked the composer. "If ... if you had died and MacDowell had written the elegy?" % A novel approach is to remove all power from the system, which @@ -1369,6 +1340,10 @@ Without a care, they live only for their programs. Why should they bother with social conventions?" "They are alive within the Tao." -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" +% + A pushy romeo asked a gorgeous elevator operator, "Don't all these +stops and starts get you pretty worn out?" "It isn't the stops and starts +that get on my nerves, it's the jerks." % A ranger was walking through the forest and encountered a hunter carrying a shotgun and a dead loon. "What in the world do you think you're @@ -1429,7 +1404,7 @@ under the kilt, everything's in perfect workin' order!" % A sheet of paper crossed my desk the other day and as I read it, realization of a basic truth came over me. So simple! So obvious we couldn't -see it. John Knivlen, Chairman of Polamar Repeater Club, an amateur radio +see it. John Knivlen, Chairman of Palomar Repeater Club, an amateur radio group, had discovered how IC circuits work. He says that smoke is the thing that makes ICs work because every time you let the smoke out of an IC circuit, it stops working. He claims to have verified this with thorough testing. @@ -1458,6 +1433,8 @@ and I've been telling it to the Maureens." Three actors, Tom, Fred, and Cec, wanted to do the jousting scene from Don Quixote for a local TV show. "I'll play the title role," proposed Tom. "Fred can portray Sancho Panza, and Cecil B. De Mille." +% + A woman was in love with fourteen soldiers, it was clearly platoonic. % A woman was married to a golfer. One day she asked, "If I were to die, would you remarry?" @@ -1472,8 +1449,6 @@ I've always loved it here." "No." "Why not?" "She's left handed." -% - A women was in love with fourteen soldiers, it was clearly platoonic. % A young honeymoon couple were touring southern Florida and happened to stop at one of the rattlesnake farms along the road. After seeing the @@ -1490,6 +1465,10 @@ suck the poison from the wound." a rattler?" persisted the woman. "Ma'am," answered the snake handler, "that will be the day I learn who my real friends are." +% + A young husband with an inferiority complex insisted he was just a +little pebble on the beach. The marriage counselor told him, "If you wish to +save your marriage, you'd better be a little boulder." % A young married couple had their first child. Their original pride and joy slowly turned to concern however, for after a couple of years the @@ -1583,7 +1562,7 @@ wife. They approve. The Japanese astronaut says, "I've always wanted to learn Latin. I want 100 lbs. of textbooks." The NASA board approves. The Russian astronaut thinks for a second and says, "Two years... all right, I want 150 pounds of -the best Cuban cigars ever made." Again, NASA okays it. +the best Cuban cigars ever made." Again, NASA okays it. Two years later, the shuttle lands and everyone is gathered outside to welcome back the astronauts. Well, it's obvious what the American's been up to, he and his wife are each holding an infant. The crowd cheers. The @@ -1592,6 +1571,11 @@ perfect Latin. The crowd doesn't understand a word of it, but they're impressed and they cheer again. The Russian astronaut stomps out, clenches the podium until his knuckles turn white, glares at the first row and screams: "Anybody got a match?" +% + An airplane pilot got engaged to two very pretty women at the same +time. One was named Edith; the other named Kate. They met, discovered they +had the same fiancee, and told him. "Get out of our lives you rascal. We'll +teach you that you can't have your Kate and Edith, too." % An architect's first work is apt to be spare and clean. He knows he doesn't know what he's doing, so he does it carefully and with @@ -1923,7 +1907,7 @@ white electric blanket? I'm afraid to wash it in the machine. Thanks, Kathy. (front desk, x17) -p.s. Also, anyone ever used Noxema on friction burns? +p.s. Also, anyone ever used Noxzema on friction burns? Or is Vaseline better? % Dr. Oliver Wendell Holmes of Harvard Medical School inhaled ether @@ -1949,7 +1933,7 @@ The words were these (children may smile; the wise will ponder): During a fight, a husband threw a bowl of Jello at his wife. She had him arrested for carrying a congealed weapon. In another fight, the wife decked him with a heavy glass pitcher. -She's a women who conks to stupor. +She's a woman who conks to stupor. Upon reading a story about a man who throttled his mother-in-law, a man commented, "Sounds to me like a practical choker." It's not the initial skirt length, it's the upcreep. @@ -2118,19 +2102,8 @@ thoughts?" Replied the fourth professor, "`An Anthology of Prose.'" % Fred noticed his roommate had a black eye upon returning from a dance. -"What happened?" "I was struck by the beauty of the place." - A pushy romeo asked a gorgeous elevator operator, "Don't all these -stops and starts get you pretty worn out?" "It isn't the stops and starts -that get on my nerves, it's the jerks." - An airplane pilot got engaged to two very pretty women at the same -time. One was named Edith; the other named Kate. They met, discovered they -had the same fiancee, and told him. "Get out of our lives you rascal. We'll -teach you that you can't have your Kate and Edith, too." - A domineering man married a mere wisp of a girl. He came back from -his honeymoon a chastened man. He'd become aware of the will of the wisp. - A young husband with an inferiority complex insisted he was just a -little pebble on the beach. The marriage counselor told him, "If you wish to -save your marriage, you'd better be a little boulder." +"What happened?" + "I was struck by the beauty of the place." % Friends were surprised, indeed, when Frank and Jennifer broke their engagement, but Frank had a ready explanation: "Would you marry someone who @@ -2224,7 +2197,7 @@ to conquer the world. Presently, they met Firmware, who was dressed in tattered rags, and hobbled along propped on a thorny stick. Firmware said to them: "The Tao lies beyond Yin and Yang. It is silent and still as a pool of water. It does -not seek fame, therefore nobody knows its presence. It does not seeks fortune, +not seek fame, therefore nobody knows its presence. It does not seek fortune, for it is complete within itself. It exists beyond space and time." Software and Hardware, ashamed, returned to their homes. -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" @@ -2328,7 +2301,7 @@ these sometime around the middle of next week". "How did you spend the weekend?" asked the pretty brunette secretary of her blonde companion. "Fishing through the ice," she replied. - "Fishing through the ice? Whatever for?" + "Fishing through the ice? Whatever for?" "Olives." % "How many people work here?" @@ -2426,11 +2399,10 @@ leads to violence. What we ought to do, when we anger each other, say, in traffic, is exchange phone numbers, so that later on, when we've had time to think of witty and learned insults or look them up in the library, we could call each other up: - You: Hello? Bob? Bob: Yes? You: This is Ed. Remember? The person whose parking space you - took last Thursday? Outside of Sears? + took last Thursday? Outside of Sears? Bob: Oh yes! Sure! How are you, Ed? You: Fine, thanks. Listen, Bob, the reason I'm calling is: "Madam, you may be drunk, but I am ugly, and ..." No, wait. @@ -2481,7 +2453,7 @@ operation - namely, to remove those irritant bodies." I made it a rule to forbear all direct contradictions to the sentiments of others, and all positive assertion of my own. I even forbade myself the use of every word or expression in the language that imported a fixed opinion, such -as "certainly", "undoubtedly", etc. I adopted instead of them "I conceive", +as "certainly", "undoubtedly", etc. I adopted instead of them "I conceive", "I apprehend", or "I imagine" a thing to be so or so; or "so it appears to me at present". When another asserted something that I thought an error, I denied @@ -2555,7 +2527,7 @@ otherwise.'" So he showed me a nude picture of my wife. -- Rodney Dangerfield % - If I kiss you, that is an psychological interaction. + If I kiss you, that is a psychological interaction. On the other hand, if I hit you over the head with a brick, that is also a psychological interaction. The difference is that one is friendly and the other is not @@ -2741,7 +2713,7 @@ you close your eyes?" At that moment, Sussman was enlightened. % In the east there is a shark which is larger than all other fish. It -changes into a bird whose winds are like clouds filling the sky. When this +changes into a bird whose wings are like clouds filling the sky. When this bird moves across the land, it brings a message from Corporate Headquarters. This message it drops into the midst of the programmers, like a seagull making its mark upon the beach. Then the bird mounts on the wind and, with @@ -2888,7 +2860,7 @@ man. % It seems there's this magician working one of the luxury cruise ships for a few years. He doesn't have to change his routines much as the audiences -change over fairly often, and he's got a good life. The only problem is the +change over fairly often, and he's got a good life. The only problem is the ship's parrot, who perches in the hall and watches him night after night, year after year. Finally, the parrot figures out how almost every trick works and starts giving it away for the audience. For example, when the magician makes @@ -3283,7 +3255,7 @@ to be avoided than harped upon. reunited with his deceased relatives led on to the thought that they might just feel the same way about him and, what's more, be able to do something about helping to postpone this reunion. - -- Douglas Adams + -- Douglas Adams, "The Restaurant at the End of the Universe" % "Oh sure, this costume may look silly, but it lets me get in and out of dangerous situations -- I work for a federal task force doing a survey on @@ -3521,7 +3493,7 @@ perception of the elephant. attacked the men. He continued to trample them until they were nothing but bloody lumps of flesh. Then, strolling away, the elephant remarked, "It just goes to show that you can't depend on first impressions. When I first saw -them I didn't think they they'd be any fun at all." +them I didn't think they'd be any fun at all." % Once upon a time there were three brothers who were knights in a certain kingdom. And, there was a Princess in a neighboring kingdom @@ -3544,6 +3516,14 @@ obtaining even a dim, incoherent knowledge of science. Today all that has changed: a dim, incoherent knowledge of science is available to anyone. -- Tom Weller, "Science Made Stupid" +% + Once you're safely in the mall, you should tie your children to you +with ropes so the other shoppers won't try to buy them. Holiday shoppers +have been whipped into a frenzy by months of holiday advertisements, and +they will buy anything small enough to stuff into a shopping bag. If your +children object to being tied, threaten to take them to see Santa Claus; +that ought to shut them up. + -- Dave Barry % One day a student came to Moon and said, "I understand how to make a better garbage collector. We must keep a reference count of the pointers @@ -3671,7 +3651,7 @@ to treat most bodily diseases as though the mind were in no way involved must be considered archaic in the light of new evidence about the way the human body functions. -- Norman Cousins, - "Anatomy of an Illness as Perceived by the Patient" + "Anatomy of an Illness as Perceived by the Patient" % Penn's aunts made great apple pies at low prices. No one else in town could compete with the pie rates of Penn's aunts. @@ -3836,7 +3816,7 @@ them. The thought of an elephant fills me with loathing." Go to Africa, organize a safari, find an elephant in the jungle and shoot it. That way you'll get it out of your system." Sam immediately made arrangements for a safari hunt in Africa, -inviting his best friend to join him. They arrived in Nairobi and lost no +inviting his best friend to join him. They arrived in Nairobi and lost no time getting out on the jungle trails. After they had been hunting for several days, Sam's best friend grabbed him by the arm one morning and yelled at him: @@ -3847,7 +3827,7 @@ Be sure you don't jerk the trigger! Wait SAM! Don't let him see you! Aim at his head!" Sam whirled around, took aim, and killed his friend. He was put in prison and his psychiatrist flew to Africa to visit him. "I sent you over -here to kill and elephant and instead you shoot your best friend," the +here to kill an elephant and instead you shoot your best friend," the psychiatrist said. "Why?" "Well," Sam replied, "there's only one thing in the world that I hate more than elephants and that is a loudmouth know-it-all!" @@ -4150,6 +4130,7 @@ of Jaglan Beta; you can lie on it on the brilliant marble-sanded beaches of Santraginus V ... use it to sail a miniraft down the slow heavy River Moth; wave your towel in emergencies, and, of course, dry yourself off with it if it still seems to be clean enough. + -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" % The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy has a few things to say on the subject of towels. @@ -4162,6 +4143,7 @@ a dozen other items that he may have "lost". After all, any man who can hitch the length and breadth of the Galaxy, struggle against terrible odds, win through and still know where his towel is, is clearly a man to be reckoned with. + -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" % The honeymooning couple agreed it was a fine day for horseback riding. After a mile or so, the bride's mount cantered under a low tree and a @@ -4346,7 +4328,7 @@ right! Can I have a dollar?" % The master programmer moves from program to program without fear. No change in management can harm him. He will not be fired, even if the project -is canceled. Why is this? He is filled with the Tao. +is canceled. Why is this? He is filled with the Tao. -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" % The men sat sipping their tea in silence. After a while the @@ -4676,30 +4658,11 @@ system," he said. "Not so," said the programmer, "when designing an accounting package, the programmer operates as a mediator between people having different ideas: how it must operate, how its reports must appear, and how it must conform to -the tax laws. By contrast, an operating system is not limited my outside -appearances. When designing an operating system, the programmer seeks the -simplest harmony between machine and ideas. This is why an operating system -is easier to design." - The warlord of Wu nodded and smiled. "That is all good and well, but -which is easier to debug?" - The programmer made no reply. - -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" -% - There was once a programmer who was attached to the court of the -warlord Wu. The warlord asked the programmer: "Which is easier to design: -an accounting package or an operating system?" - "An operating system," replied the programmer. - The warlord uttered an exclamation of disbelief. "Surely an -accounting package is trivial next to the complexity of an operating -system," he said. - "Not so," said the programmer, "when designing an accounting package, -the programmer operates as a mediator between people having different ideas: -how it must operate, how its reports must appear, and how it must conform to tax laws. By contrast, an operating system is not limited by outward appearances. When designing an operating system, the programmer seeks the simplest harmony between machine and ideas. This is why an operating system is easier to design." - The warlord of Wu nodded and smiled. "That is all good and well," + The warlord of Wu nodded and smiled. "That is all good and well," he said, "but which is easier to debug?" The programmer made no reply. -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" @@ -4763,18 +4726,18 @@ your natural parents were Australian, would you want to meet them?" -- "National Lampoon", September, 1984 % This is where the bloodthirsty license agreement is supposed to go, -explaining that Interactive Easyflow is a copyrighted package licensed for +explaining that Interactive EasyFlow is a copyrighted package licensed for use by a single person, and sternly warning you not to pirate copies of it and explaining, in detail, the gory consequences if you do. We know that you are an honest person, and are not going to go around -pirating copies of Interactive Easyflow; this is just as well with us since +pirating copies of Interactive EasyFlow; this is just as well with us since we worked hard to perfect it and selling copies of it is our only method of making anything out of all the hard work. If, on the other hand, you are one of those few people who do go around pirating copies of software you probably aren't going to pay much attention to a license agreement, bloodthirsty or not. Just keep your doors locked and look out for the HavenTree attack shark. - -- License Agreement for Interactive Easyflow + -- License Agreement for Interactive EasyFlow % Thompson, if he is to be believed, has sampled the entire rainbow of legal and illegal drugs in heroic efforts to feel better @@ -4799,7 +4762,7 @@ This morning I don't have Hunter Thompson's disease. Why jog exquisite bulk, fond crazy vamp, Daft buxom jonquil, zephyr's gawky vice? Guy fed by work, quiz Jove's xanthic lamp -- -Zow! Qualms by deja vu gyp fox-kin thrice. +Zow! Qualms by deja vu gyp fox-kin thrice. -- Lazy Dog % To lose weight, eat less; to gain weight, eat more; if you merely @@ -4879,7 +4842,7 @@ packages, but ours is in plain English and theirs is in legalese. We didn't really want to include any disclaimer at all, but our lawyers insisted. We tried to ignore them but they threatened us with the attack shark at which point we relented. - -- Haven Tree Software Limited, "Interactive EasyFlow" + -- HavenTree Software Limited, "Interactive EasyFlow" % "We friends, yes?" The shoe shine boy put on his hustling smile and looked into the Sailor's dead, cold, undersea eyes, eyes without a @@ -5059,7 +5022,7 @@ they're not selling." Bowman hesitates. "You aren't IBM compatible." [...] "The letters H, A, and L are alphabetically adjacent to the letters -I, B, and M. That is a IBM compatible as I can be." +I, B, and M. That is as IBM compatible as I can be." "Not quite, HAL. The engineers have figured out a kludge." "What kludge is that, Dave?" "I'm going to disconnect your brain." @@ -5163,7 +5126,7 @@ invariably he can't speak English, and if he can, he always says, "Why, sure, little lady, it's eleven-thirty. Wanna get high? Don't bother thinking that instant lust will turn into the real thing. It may, but then you may also wake up one morning to find you're the Queen of -Rumania. +Romania. -- Cynthia Hemiel, "Sex Tips for Girls" % "When you wake up in the morning, Pooh," said Piglet at last, @@ -5619,9 +5582,9 @@ marked "450 volts", react as you would normally. For those who have had too much of Esalen, Topanga, and Kairos. Tired of being genuine all the time? Would you like to learn how to be a little phony again? Have you disclosed so much that you're -beginning to avoid people? Have you touched so many people that -they're all beginning to feel the same? Like to be a little dependent? -Are perfect orgasms beginning to bore you? Would you like, for once, +beginning to avoid people? Have you touched so many people that +they're all beginning to feel the same? Like to be a little dependent? +Are perfect orgasms beginning to bore you? Would you like, for once, not to express a feeling? Or better yet, not be in touch with it at all? Come to us. We promise to relieve you of the burden of your great potential. @@ -5704,8 +5667,8 @@ afford maximum inconvenience to the student. For example, if you happen to work on campus, you will have 1-2 hours between classes. If you commute, there will be a minimum of 6 hours between the two classes. % -"... all the good computer designs are bootlegged; the formally planned -products, if they are built at all, are dogs!" +... all the good computer designs are bootlegged; the formally planned +products, if they are built at all, are dogs! -- David E. Lundstrom, "A Few Good Men From Univac", MIT Press, 1987 % @@ -5721,7 +5684,7 @@ never when standing. Most of us just sit back and marvel at such a story; how could that terminal know whether the poor guy was sitting or standing? Good debuggers, though, know that there has to be a reason. Electrical theories are the easiest to -hypothesize: was there a loose with under the carpet, or problems with static +hypothesize: was there a loose wire under the carpet, or problems with static electricity? But electrical problems are rarely consistently reproducible. An alert IBMer finally noticed that the problem was in the terminal's keyboard: the tops of two keys were switched. When the programmer was seated he was a @@ -5742,9 +5705,13 @@ To justify God's ways to man % "... And remember: if you don't like the news, go out and make some of your own." - -- "Scoop" Nisker, KFOG radio reporter + -- "Scoop" Nisker, KFOG radio reporter Preposterous Words % +... and the fully armed nuclear warheads are of course merely a +courtesy detail. + -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" +% ... Another writer again agreed with all my generalities, but said that as an inveterate skeptic I have closed my mind to the truth. Most notably I have ignored the evidence for an Earth that is six thousand years old. Well, I @@ -5823,8 +5790,6 @@ attainable? Millions of innocent men, women, and children, since the introduction of Christianity, have been burnt, tortured, fined, imprisoned; yet we have not advanced one inch towards uniformity. -- Thomas Jefferson, "Notes on Virginia" -% - Eat drink and be merry, for tomorrow they may make it illegal. % <<<<< EVACUATION ROUTE <<<<< % @@ -5849,11 +5814,6 @@ and you would not have been informed. (Haley's comment.) % -" I changed my headlights the other day. I put in strobe lights -instead! Now when I drive at night, it looks like everyone else is -standing still ..." - -- Steven Wright -% "... I should explain that I was wearing a black velvet cape that was supposed to make me look like the dashing, romantic Zorro but which actually made me look like a gigantic bat wearing glasses ..." @@ -5910,8 +5870,8 @@ not a children's pastime like mere highway robbery. sense of achievement you get from getting them to work at all. In other words... their fundamental design flaws are completely hidden by their superficial design flaws. - -- "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy", on the products - of the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation. + -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" + on the products of the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation % ... it still remains true that as a set of cognitive beliefs about the existence of God in any recognizable sense continuous with the great @@ -5945,9 +5905,6 @@ legally ... impeccable! % ** MAXIMUM TERMINALS ACTIVE. TRY AGAIN LATER ** % -... My pants just went on a wild rampage through a Long Island Bowling -Alley!! -% -- Neophyte's serendipity. -- Exclusive dedication to necessitous chores without interludes of hedonistic diversion renders John a hebetudinous fellow. @@ -6281,7 +6238,7 @@ Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line 1 Dog Pound = 16 oz. of Alpo 1000 beers served at a Twins game = 1 Killibrew 2.4 statute miles of surgical tubing at Yale U. = 1 I.V.League -2000 pounds of chinese soup = 1 Won Ton +2000 pounds of Chinese soup = 1 Won Ton 10 to the minus 6th power mouthwashes = 1 Microscope Speed of a tortoise breaking the sound barrier = 1 Machturtle 8 Catfish = 1 Octo-puss @@ -6387,9 +6344,9 @@ increase to more than $100,000,000 -- by which time it will be worth nothing. (6) Fungus trellis (7) False eyelashes (8) Prosthetic dog claws - . - . - . + . + . + . (99) Window garden harrow (pulled behind Tonka tractors) (100) Killer velcro (101) Currency @@ -6564,18 +6521,18 @@ You patch a bug, and dump it again: 100 blocks of crud on the disk, 100 blocks of crud! You patch a bug, and dump it again: -101 blocks of crud on the disk! ... +101 blocks of crud on the disk! % -A baby is an alimentary canal with a loud voice at one end and no -responsibility at the other. +A baby is an alimentary canal with a loud voice +at one end and no responsibility at the other. % A baby is God's opinion that the world should go on. -- Carl Sandburg % A bachelor is a man who never made the same mistake once. % -A bachelor is a selfish, undeserving guy who has cheated some woman out -of a divorce. +A bachelor is a selfish, undeserving guy +who has cheated some woman out of a divorce. -- Don Quinn % A bachelor is an unaltared male. @@ -6610,10 +6567,6 @@ most delicate care that balances are correct. A billion here, a billion there -- pretty soon it adds up to real money. -- Sen. Everett Dirksen, on the U.S. defense budget % -A billion here, a couple of billion there -- first thing you know it -adds up to be real money. - -- Senator Everett McKinley Dirksen -% A billion seconds ago Harry Truman was president. A billion minutes ago was just after the time of Christ. A billion hours ago man had not yet walked on earth. @@ -6806,7 +6759,7 @@ A chronic disposition to inquiry deprives domestic felines of vital qualities. % A chubby man with a white beard and a red suit -will approach you soon. Avoid him. He's a Commie. +will approach you soon. Avoid him. He's a Commie. % A citizen of America will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, but won't cross the street to vote in a national election. @@ -6830,7 +6783,7 @@ A cloud does not know why it moves in just such a direction and at such a speed, if feels an impulsion... this is the place to go now. But the sky knows the reasons and the patterns behind all clouds, and you will know, too, when you lift yourself high enough to see beyond horizons. - -- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul + -- Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul % A CODE OF ETHICAL BEHAVIOR FOR PATIENTS: @@ -7098,7 +7051,7 @@ of her life?" the woman proceeded bravely on. "Well, I'm wondering, then, how serious my condition is. This prescription is marked `NO REFILLS'". % -A diva who specializes in risqu'e arias is an off-coloratura soprano ... +A diva who specializes in risqu'e arias is an off-coloratura soprano. % A doctor calls his patient to give him the results of his tests. "I have some bad news," says the doctor, "and some worse news." The bad news is @@ -7184,8 +7137,8 @@ A fellow bought a new car, a Nissan, and was quite happy with his purchase. He was something of an animist, however, and felt that the car really ought to have a name. This presented a problem, as he was not sure if the name should be masculine or feminine. - After considerable thought, he settled on an naming the car either -Belchazar or Beaumadine, but remained in a quandary about the final choice. + After considerable thought, he settled on naming the car either +Belchazar or Beaumadine, but remained in a quandry about the final choice. "Is a Nissan male or female?" he began asking his friends. Most of them looked at him peculiarly, mumbled things about urgent appointments, and went on their way rather quickly. @@ -7273,7 +7226,7 @@ dimension strictly exceeds the topological dimension." A free society is one where it is safe to be unpopular. -- Adlai Stevenson % -A freelance is one who gets paid by the word -- per piece or perhaps. +A freelancer is one who gets paid by the word -- per piece or perhaps. -- Robert Benchley % A friend in need is a pest indeed. @@ -7594,8 +7547,6 @@ Z is for zcat, which handles compression. % A joint is just tea for two. % -A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance. -% A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance from Sam. % A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step. @@ -7744,7 +7695,7 @@ A little inaccuracy sometimes saves tons of explanation. % A little kid went up to Santa and asked him, "Santa, you know when I'm bad right?" And Santa says, "Yes, I do." The little kid then asks, "And you -know when I'm sleeping?" To which Santa replies, "Every minute." So the +know when I'm sleeping?" To which Santa replies, "Every minute." So the little kid then says, "Well, if you know when I'm bad and when I'm good, then how come you don't know what I want for Christmas?" % @@ -7778,7 +7729,7 @@ exceptional ability in that particular field." A lost ounce of gold may be found, a lost moment of time never. % A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me. I'm afraid of widths. - -- Steve Wright + -- Steven Wright % A lot of people I know believe in positive thinking, and so do I. I believe everything positively stinks. @@ -7991,7 +7942,7 @@ Tell, me who is buried here?" "My wife's first husband." % A man who cannot seduce men cannot save them either. - -- Soren Kierkegaard + -- S. A. Kierkegaard % A man who carries a cat by its tail learns something he can learn in no other way. @@ -8145,9 +8096,6 @@ A musician, an artist, an architect: A myth is a religion in which no-one any longer believes. -- James Feibleman, "Understanding Philosophy" % -A narcissist is anyone better-looking than you. - -- Gore Vidal -% A narcissist is someone better looking than you are. -- Gore Vidal % @@ -8639,7 +8587,7 @@ monkey and its mother is thirty years. One half of the weight of the monkey, plus the weight of the banana, is one forth as much as the weight of the weight and the weight of the rope. The monkey's mother is half as old as the monkey will be when it is three times as old as its mother was when she -she was half as old as the monkey will be when when it is as old as its mother +was half as old as the monkey will be when it is as old as its mother will be when she is four times as old as the monkey was when it was twice as its mother was when she was one third as old as the monkey was when it was old as is mother was when she was three times as old as the monkey was @@ -9192,7 +9140,7 @@ Q: "But Herr Mozart, you were writing symphonies when you were 8 years old." A: "But I never asked anybody how." % A.A.A.A.A.: - An organization for drunks who drive + An organization for drunks who drive. % AAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaccccccccckkkkkk!!!!!!!!! You brute! Knock before entering a ladies room! @@ -9248,11 +9196,7 @@ Above all things, reverence yourself. % Abraham Lincoln didn't die in vain. He died in Washington, D.C. % -ABSCOND: - To be unexpectedly called away to the bedside - of a dying relative and miss the return train. -% -abscond, v: +Abscond, v.: To be unexpectedly called away to the bedside of a dying relative and miss the return train. % @@ -9358,7 +9302,7 @@ everyone should do at least 6 times a day. In an effort to increase the national average (the US ranks third among the world's superpowers in smiling), Xerox has instructed all personnel to be happy, effervescent, and most importantly, to smile. Xerox employees agree, and even feel strongly -that they can not only meet but surpass the national average... except for +that they can not only meet but surpass the national average... except for Tubby Ackerman. But because Tubby does such a fine job of racing around parking lots with a large butterfly net retrieving floating IC chips, Xerox decided to give him a break. If you see Tubby in a parking lot he may have @@ -9464,10 +9408,6 @@ QED. % Ad astra per aspera. (To the stars by aspiration.) % -ADA: - Something you need to know the name of to be an Expert in Computing. - Useful in sentences like, "We had better develop an ADA awareness." -% ADA, n.: Something you need only know the name of to be an Expert in Computing. Useful in sentences like, "We had better develop an ADA @@ -9482,12 +9422,12 @@ Adding features does not necessarily increase functionality -- it just makes the manuals thicker. % Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later. - -- Frederick Brooks Jr., "The Mythical Man Month" + -- Frederick Brooks Jr., "The Mythical Man-Month" Whenever one person is found adequate to the discharge of a duty by close application thereto, it is worse execute by two persons and scarcely done at all if three or more are employed therein. - -- George Washington, 1732-1799 + -- George Washington (1732-1799) % Adding sound to movies would be like putting lipstick on the Venus de Milo. @@ -9758,7 +9698,7 @@ In works of labour or of skill In books, or work, or healthful play, I would be busy too; Let my first years be passed, For Satan finds some mischief still That I may give for every day For idle hands to do. Some good account at last. - -- Isaac Watts, 1674-1748 + -- Isaac Watts (1674-1748) % Against stupidity the very gods Themselves contend in vain. -- Friedrich von Schiller, "The Maid of Orleans", III, 6 @@ -9775,7 +9715,7 @@ Age, n.: That period of life in which we compound for the vices that we still cherish by reviling those that we no longer have the enterprise to commit. - -- Ambrose Bierce + -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" % Agnes' Law: Almost everything in life is easier to get into than out of. @@ -9834,16 +9774,16 @@ Kansas City." -- Casey Stengel, informing outfielder Bob Cerv he'd been traded. % -AIR: - A nutritious substance supplied by - a bountiful Providence for the fattening of the poor. - -- Ambrose Bierce -% Air Force Inertia Axiom: Consistency is always easier to defend than correctness. % Air is water with holes in it. % +Air, n.: + A nutritious substance supplied by a bountiful Providence for + the fattening of the poor. + -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" +% Air pollution is really making us pay through the nose. % Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value. @@ -9898,7 +9838,7 @@ Alden's Laws: % Aleph-null bottles of beer on the wall, Aleph-null bottles of beer, -You take one down, and pass it around, + You take one down, and pass it around, Aleph-null bottles of beer on the wall. % Alex Haley was adopted! @@ -10108,7 +10048,7 @@ All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store... with a pricing gun... She said, "Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store." - -- Stephen Wright + -- Steven Wright % All of the true things I am about to tell you are shameless lies. -- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr., "The Book of Bokonon" @@ -10147,7 +10087,7 @@ goal. Perhaps it is merely that computers are young, programmers are younger, and the young are always optimists. But however the selection process works, the result is indisputable: "This time it will surely run," or "I just found the last bug." - -- Frederick Brooks Jr., "The Mythical Man Month" + -- Frederick Brooks Jr., "The Mythical Man-Month" % All programmers are playwrights and all computers are lousy actors. % @@ -10410,10 +10350,10 @@ AMBIGUITY: Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy. -- Charlie McCarthy % -Ambition, n: +Ambition, n.: An overmastering desire to be vilified by enemies while living and made ridiculous by friends when dead. - -- Ambrose Bierce + -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" % America: born free and taxed to death. % @@ -10494,7 +10434,7 @@ AMOEBIT: and divide at the same time. % Among all savage beasts, none is found so harmful as woman. - -- St. John Chrysostom, 304-407. + -- St. John Chrysostom (304-407) % Among the lucky, you are the chosen one. % @@ -10505,7 +10445,7 @@ An actor's a guy who if you ain't talkin' about him, ain't listening. -- Marlon Brando % An Ada exception is when a routine gets -in trouble and says "Beam me up, Scotty". +in trouble and says "Beam me up, Scotty." % An adequate bootstrap is a contradiction in terms. % @@ -10526,7 +10466,7 @@ An algorithm must be seen to be believed. % An ambassador is an honest man sent abroad to lie and intrigue for the benefit of his country. - -- Sir Henry Wotton, 1568-1639 + -- Sir Henry Wotton (1568-1639) % An amendment to a motion may be amended, but an amendment to an amendment to a motion may not be amended. However, a substitute for an amendment to @@ -10740,7 +10680,7 @@ As Andy bade and till the very soil? Was he to leave the world upon the shelf? Let Andy have his labor to himself! -- Chaucer - [well, almost. Ed.] + [well, almost. Ed.] % An honest politician is one who when he is bought will stay bought. -- Simon Cameron @@ -10789,7 +10729,7 @@ hours. Suddenly, the old man opens his eyes whispers: "I must be dreaming of heaven... I smell my daughter Lisle's strudel." "No, no, grandfather, you are not dreaming", he is reassured. "Grandmother is baking strudel right now." - A faint smile crosses the old man's face. "Go an get me a sliver of + A faint smile crosses the old man's face. "Go and get me a sliver of strudel," he says, "she bakes the finest strudel in the world." One of the grandchildren is immediately dispatched to honor the old man's request, and, after what seems a long time, he returns empty-handed. @@ -10840,6 +10780,7 @@ Plant a new truffula -- treat it with care. Give it clean water and feed it fresh air. Grow a forest -- protect it from axes that hack. Then the Lorax and all of his friends may come back!" + -- Dr. Seuss, "The Lorax" % And as we stand on the edge of darkness Let our chant fill the void @@ -10892,7 +10833,7 @@ on, you know what I'm planning to do? From now on, I'm going to protect them with you!" And the young kangaroo in her pouch said, "ME TOO! From the sun in the summer. From rain when it's fall-ish, I'm going to protect them. No matter how small-ish!" - -- Dr. Seuss "Horton Hears a Who" + -- Dr. Seuss, "Horton Hears a Who" % And here I wait so patiently Waiting to find out what price @@ -11023,9 +10964,6 @@ white children begin with a small separation but increase it during growth -- the rising belly button as a mark of progress. -- S. J. Gould, "Racism and Recapitulation" % -"...and the fully armed nuclear warheads, are, of course, merely a -courtesy detail." -% And the silence came surging softly backwards When the plunging hooves were gone... -- Walter de La Mare, "The Listeners" @@ -11131,7 +11069,7 @@ Announcing the NEW VAX 11/782!! Be the envy of other major Communist Governments! Defend yourself against the entire ICBM force of the imperialist USA with -just one of the processors, at the same time you're designing missile IC's, +just one of the processors, at the same time you're designing missile ICs, cracking secret NATO codes and editing propaganda for your own people all at the same time with the other! (Well, you really can't, but the Americans think you can, and that's the point, right?) @@ -11358,11 +11296,11 @@ Anyone can hold the helm when the sea is calm. Anyone can make an omelet with eggs. The trick is to make one with none. % -"Anyone can say 'no'. It is the first word a child learns and often the +Anyone can say "no." It is the first word a child learns and often the first word he speaks. It is a cheap word because it requires no explanation, and many men and women have acquired a reputation for intelligence who know only this word and have used it in place of -thought on every occasion." +thought on every occasion. -- Chuck Jones (Warner Bros. animation director.) % Anyone stupid enough to be caught by the police is probably guilty. @@ -11485,9 +11423,9 @@ Appearances often are deceiving. APPENDIX: A portion of a book, for which nobody yet has discovered any use. % -Applause, n: +Applause, n.: The echo of a platitude from the mouth of a fool. - -- Ambrose Bierce + -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" % April is the cruelest month... -- Thomas Stearns Eliot @@ -11574,7 +11512,7 @@ Are you a parent? Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to say in those awkward situations? Worry no more... Go away. You bother me. - Why? Because life is unfair. + Why? Because life is unfair. That's a nice drawing. What is it? Children should be seen and not heard. You'll be the death of me. @@ -11651,7 +11589,7 @@ Do you use the "greasy kid's stuff" to stick down your cowlick? Do you wear a "nerd-pack" in your shirt pocket to keep the dozen or so pencils from marking the cloth? Do you think Mary Jane is somebody's name? -Is illegal fishing is something only a daring criminal would do? +Is illegal fishing something only a daring criminal would do? Is Batman your hero? Superman? Green Lantern? The Shadow? Do you think girls who kiss on the first date are loose? @@ -11663,7 +11601,7 @@ Do you think girls who kiss on the first date are loose? 11+ -- Does suicide seem attractive? % Argue for your limitations, and sure enough, they're yours. - -- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul + -- Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul % Arguments are extremely vulgar, for everyone in good society holds exactly the same opinion. @@ -11837,7 +11775,7 @@ We may live with, but cannot live without 'em. % As Gen. de Gaulle occasionally acknowledges America to be the daughter of Europe, so I am pleased to come to Yale, the daughter of Harvard. - -- J. F. Kennedy + -- John F. Kennedy % As goatherd learns his trade by goat, so writer learns his trade by wrote. % @@ -11921,7 +11859,7 @@ industries are secure. We hear about constitutional rights, free speech and the free press. Every time I hear these words I say to myself, "That man is a Red, that man is a Communist". You never hear a real American talk like that. - -- Frank Hague, 1896-1956 + -- Frank Hague (1896-1956) % As long as the answer is right, who cares if the question is wrong? % @@ -12055,7 +11993,7 @@ or putatively less buggy. The replacement of a working component by a new version requires the same systematic testing procedure that adding a new component does, although it should require less time, for more complete and efficient test cases will usually be available. - -- Frederick Brooks Jr., "The Mythical Man Month" + -- Frederick Brooks Jr., "The Mythical Man-Month" % As the trials of life continue to take their toll, remember that there is always a future in Computer Maintenance. @@ -12243,7 +12181,7 @@ I'm lucky today, I've overcome my UNIX problem. It wasn't easy. If you're smart, just don't start. Remember, if any weirdo offers you some UNIX, - Just Say No! + Just Say No! % At first sight, the idea of any rules or principles being superimposed on the creative mind seems more likely to hinder than to help, but this is @@ -12253,7 +12191,7 @@ than blinkers it. % At Group L, Stoffel oversees six first-rate programmers, a managerial challenge roughly comparable to herding cats. - -- The Washington Post Magazine, June 9, 1985 + -- "The Washington Post Magazine", June 9, 1985 % At last I've found the girl of my dreams. Last night she said to me, "Once more, Strange, and this time *I'll* be Donnie and *you* be Marie. @@ -12396,10 +12334,6 @@ in 1959. [Babe] Ruth made a big mistake when he gave up pitching. -- Tris Speaker, 1921 % -BACCHUS: - A convenient deity invented by the ancients - as an excuse for getting drunk. -% Bacchus, n.: A convenient deity invented by the ancients as an excuse for getting drunk. @@ -12437,7 +12371,7 @@ uphill both ways and it was always snowing. BACKWARD CONDITIONING: Putting saliva in a dog's mouth in an attempt to make a bell ring. % -Bacons not the only thing that's cured by hanging from a string. +Bacon's not the only thing that's cured by hanging from a string. % BAD CRAZINESS, MAN!!! % @@ -12544,8 +12478,6 @@ Basic Definitions of Science: If it doesn't work, it's physics. % Basic is a high level languish. -% -Basic is a high level languish. APL is a high level anguish. % BASIC is the Computer Science equivalent of "Scientific Creationism." @@ -12568,10 +12500,10 @@ faucet is turned on to a certain point. % Batteries not included. % -Battle, n: +Battle, n.: A method of untying with the teeth a political knot that will not yield to the tongue. - -- Ambrose Bierce + -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" % Be a better psychiatrist and the world will beat a psychopath to your door. @@ -12915,7 +12847,7 @@ victuals being spent and especially our beer." -- Felton & Fowler's Best, Worst & Most Unusual % Best Mistakes In Films - In his "Filgoer's Companion", Mr. Leslie Halliwell helpfully lists + In his "Filmgoer's Companion", Mr. Leslie Halliwell helpfully lists four of the cinema's greatest moments which you should get to see if at all possible. In "Carmen Jones", the camera tracks with Dorothy Dandridge down a @@ -13136,7 +13068,7 @@ absolute, but depended on the observer's movement in space, and that time was not an absolute, but depended on the observer's movement in time, so it is now realized that numbers are not absolute, but depend on the observer's movement in restaurants. - -- Douglas Adams + -- Douglas Adams, "Life, The Universe and Everything" % bit, n: A unit of measure applied to color. Twenty-four-bit color @@ -13225,7 +13157,7 @@ Blinding speed can compensate for a lot of deficiencies. % BLISS is ignorance. % -blithwapping: +blithwapping, v.: Using anything BUT a hammer to hammer a nail into the wall, such as shoes, lamp bases, doorstops, etc. -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets" @@ -13487,6 +13419,7 @@ only to confirmatory instances, to be fallaciously confident of the validity of their judgments (Jahoda, 1969; Einhorn and Hogarth, 1978). In the analyzing of past events, these tendencies are exacerbated by failure to appreciate the pitfalls of post hoc analyses. + -- A. Benjamin % Brillineggiava, ed i tovoli slati girlavano ghimbanti nella vaba; @@ -13616,7 +13549,7 @@ Bumper sticker: Bunker's Admonition: You cannot buy beer; you can only rent it. % -BURBULATION: +Burbulation, v.: The obsessive act of opening and closing a refrigerator door in an attempt to catch it before the automatic light comes on. -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets" @@ -13730,7 +13663,7 @@ But in our enthusiasm, we could not resist a radical overhaul of the system, in which all of its major weaknesses have been exposed, analyzed, and replaced with new weaknesses. -- Bruce Leverett, - "Register Allocation in Optimizing Compilers" + "Register Allocation in Optimizing Compilers" % But it does move! -- Galileo Galilei @@ -13857,8 +13790,8 @@ By perseverance the snail reached the Ark. By protracting life, we do not deduct one jot from the duration of death. -- Titus Lucretius Carus % -"By the time they had diminished from 50 to 8, the other dwarves began -to suspect 'Hungry' ..." +By the time they had diminished from 50 to 8, the other dwarves began +to suspect "Hungry" ... -- Gary Larson, "The Far Side" % By the time you swear you're his, @@ -13958,9 +13891,6 @@ damnation. [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when referring to logical names.] % -"Calling J-Man Kink. Calling J-Man Kink. Hash missile sighted, target -Los Angeles. Disregard personal feelings about city and intercept." -% Calling J-Man Kink. Calling J-Man Kink. Hash missle sighted, target Los Angeles. Disregard personal feelings about city and intercept. % @@ -14047,9 +13977,9 @@ Can't act. Slightly bald. Also dances. -- RKO executive, reacting to Fred Astaire's screen test. Cerf/Navasky, "The Experts Speak" % -Can't open /usr/fortunes. Lid stuck on cookie jar. +Can't open /usr/games/fortunes. Lid stuck on cookie jar. % -Can't open /usr/games/lib/fortunes.dat. +Can't open /usr/share/games/fortune/fortunes.dat. % Capitalism is the extraordinary belief that the nastiest of men, for the nastiest of reasons, will somehow work for the benefit of us all. @@ -14486,7 +14416,7 @@ Civilization is the limitless multiplication of unnecessary necessities. Clairvoyant, n.: A person, commonly a woman, who has the power of seeing that which is invisible to her patron -- namely, that he is a blockhead. - -- Ambrose Bierce + -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" % Claret is the liquor for boys; port for men; but he who aspires to be a hero... must drink brandy. @@ -14790,7 +14720,7 @@ And that you'll be so glad to do, Because you'll be my POSSLQ. % Come, muse, let us sing of rats! - -- From a poem by James Grainger, 1721-1767 + -- From a poem by James Grainger (1721-1767) % Come quickly, I am tasting stars! -- Dom Perignon, upon discovering champagne @@ -14810,7 +14740,7 @@ And pall the in the dunnest smoke of hell, That my keen knife see not the wound it makes, Nor heaven peep through the blanket of the dark, To cry `Hold, hold!' - -- Lady Macbeth + -- Lady Macbeth, "Macbeth" % Comedy, like Medicine, was never meant to be practiced by the general public. % @@ -14974,7 +14904,7 @@ $25,000. % Conceptual integrity in turn dictates that the design must proceed from one mind, or from a very small number of agreeing resonant minds. - -- Frederick Brooks Jr., "The Mythical Man Month" + -- Frederick Brooks Jr., "The Mythical Man-Month" % Condense soup, not books! % @@ -14997,12 +14927,12 @@ Confessions may be good for the soul, but they are bad for the reputation. -- Lord Thomas Dewar % -Confidant, confidante, n: +Confidant, confidante, n.: One entrusted by A with the secrets of B, confided to himself by C. - -- Ambrose Bierce + -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" % Confidence is simply that quiet, assured feeling you have before you -fall flag on your face. +fall flat on your face. -- Dr. L. Binder % Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation. @@ -15085,7 +15015,7 @@ Conscience is a mother-in-law whose visit never ends. Conscience is defined as the thing that hurts when everything else feels great. % -Conscience is the inner voice that warns us somebody is looking +Conscience is the inner voice that warns us somebody is looking. -- H. L. Mencken % Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good. @@ -15105,12 +15035,12 @@ Conservative: One who admires radicals centuries after they're dead. -- Leo C. Rosten % -Conservative, n: +Conservative, n.: A statesman who is enamored of existing evils, as distinguished from the Liberal who wishes to replace them with others. - -- Ambrose Bierce + -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" % -"Consider a spherical bear, in simple harmonic motion..." +Consider a spherical bear, in simple harmonic motion... -- Professor in the UCB physics department % Consider the following axioms carefully: @@ -15166,8 +15096,8 @@ seduction, observable even in the animal kingdom. if it were so, it would be; but as it isn't, it ain't. That's logic!" -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass" % -"Contrary to popular belief, penguins are not the salvation of modern -technology. Neither do they throw parties for the urban proletariat." +Contrary to popular belief, penguins are not the salvation of modern +technology. Neither do they throw parties for the urban proletariat. % Convention is the ruler of all. -- Pindar @@ -15390,17 +15320,11 @@ Cutler Webster's Law: There are two sides to every argument, unless a person is personally involved, in which case there is only one. % -"Cutting the space budget really restores my faith in humanity. It +Cutting the space budget really restores my faith in humanity. It eliminates dreams, goals, and ideals and lets us get straight to the -business of hate, debauchery, and self-annihilation." +business of hate, debauchery, and self-annihilation. -- Johnny Hart % -Cynic, n: - A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, - not as they ought to be. Hence the custom among the - Scythians of plucking out a cynic's eyes to improve his vision. - -- Ambrose Bierce -% Cynic, n.: A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not as they ought to be. Hence the custom among the Scythians of plucking @@ -15784,7 +15708,7 @@ Death is only a state of mind. Only it doesn't leave you much time to think about anything else. % -Death rays don't kill people, people kill people!! +Death rays don't kill people, people kill people! % Death to all fanatics! % @@ -15845,7 +15769,7 @@ DEFAULT: default, n.: [Possibly from Black English "De fault wid dis system is you, mon."] The vain attempt to avoid errors by inactivity. "Nothing will -come of nothing: speak again." -- King Lear +come of nothing: speak again." -- King Lear. -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary" % Defeat is worse than death because you have to live with defeat. @@ -16401,8 +16325,6 @@ day as it comes. % Do not underestimate the power of the Farce. % -Do not underestimate the power of the Force. -% Do not use that foreign word "ideals". We have that excellent native word "lies". -- Henrik Ibsen, "The Wild Duck" @@ -16424,8 +16346,6 @@ Do students of Zen Buddhism do Om-work? % Do unto others before they undo you. % -Do what comes naturally. Seethe and fume and throw a tantrum. -% Do what comes naturally now. Seethe and fume and throw a tantrum. % Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the Law. @@ -16495,7 +16415,7 @@ Do you think that illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup? % Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter? - -- Stephen Wright + -- Steven Wright % "Do you think there's a God?" "Well, SOMEbody's out to get me!" @@ -16722,8 +16642,6 @@ Don't let your mind wander -- it's too little to be let out alone. % Don't let your status become too quo! % -Don't look back, the lemmings are gaining on you. -% Don't look back, the lemmings might be gaining on you. % Don't look now, but the man in the moon is laughing at you. @@ -16878,30 +16796,10 @@ Don't you wish you had more energy... or less ambition? Dorothy: But how can you talk without a brain? Scarecrow: Well, I don't know... but some people without brains do an awful lot of talking. - -- The Wizard of Oz + -- Judy Garland and Ray Bolger, "The Wizard of Oz" % Double! % -Double Bucky, you're the one, -You make my keyboard so much fun, -Double Bucky, an additional bit or two, (Vo-vo-de-o) -Control and meta, side by side, -Augmented ASCII, 9 bits wide! -Double Bucky, a half a thousand glyphs, plus a few! - -Oh, I sure wish that I, -Had a couple of bits more! -Perhaps a set of pedals to make the number of bits four. - -Double Double Bucky! Double Bucky left and right -OR'd together, outta sight! -Double Bucky, I'd like a whole word of, -Double Bucky, I'm happy I heard of, -Double Bucky, I'd like a whole word of you! - -- to Nicholas Wirth, who suggested that an extra bit - be added to terminal codes on 36-bit machines for use - by screen editors. [to the tune of "Rubber Ducky"] -% Double-Blind Experiment, n.: An experiment in which the chief researcher believes he is fooling both the subject and the lab assistant. Often accompanied by a @@ -16934,8 +16832,6 @@ Hustling the senoritas, While they dance beneath the stars. -- Jimmy Buffet, "Banana Republics" % -Down with categorical imperative! -% Down with the categorical imperative! % Dow's Law: @@ -17193,7 +17089,7 @@ Early to rise and early to bed makes a man healthy and wealthy and dead. -- James Thurber % -Earn cash in your spare time -- blackmail your friends +Earn cash in your spare time -- blackmail your friends. % Earth Destroyed by Solar Flare -- film clips at eleven. % @@ -17234,6 +17130,8 @@ Eat as much as you like -- just don't swallow it. % Eat, drink, and be merry! Tomorrow you may be in Utah. % +Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow they may make it illegal. +% Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow we diet. % Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow you may work. @@ -17334,10 +17232,6 @@ Egotism is the anesthetic which numbs the pain of stupidity. % Egotism, n.: Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle with a pen. - -Egotist, n.: - A person of low taste, more interested in himself than me. - -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" % Egotist, n.: A person of low taste, more interested in himself than me. @@ -17802,11 +17696,11 @@ Every dog has its day, but the nights belong to the pussycats. Every four seconds a woman has a baby. Our problem is to find this woman and stop her. % -"Every group has a couple of experts. And every group has at least one +Every group has a couple of experts. And every group has at least one idiot. Thus are balance and harmony (and discord) maintained. It's sometimes hard to remember this in the bulk of the flamewars that all of the hassle and pain is generally caused by one or two -highly-motivated, caustic twits." +highly-motivated, caustic twits. -- Chuq Von Rospach, about Usenet % Every gun that is made, every warship launched, every rocket fired @@ -17923,7 +17817,7 @@ Every path has its puddle. % Every person, all the events in your life are there because you have drawn them there. What you choose to do with them is up to you. - -- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul + -- Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul % Every program has at least one bug and can be shortened by at least one instruction -- from which, by induction, one can deduce that every @@ -18089,7 +17983,7 @@ Everything I like is either illegal, immoral or fattening. -- Alexander Woollcott % Everything in this book may be wrong. - -- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul + -- Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul % Everything is controlled by a small evil group to which, unfortunately, no one we know belongs. @@ -18114,8 +18008,6 @@ Everything new stalls because there is precedence for the old. % Everything should be built top-down, except the first time. % -Everything should be built top-down, except this time. -% Everything should be made as simple as possible, but not simpler. -- Albert Einstein % @@ -18442,7 +18334,7 @@ By becoming a Cabinet Minister % Famous, adj.: Conspicuously miserable. - -- Ambrose Bierce + -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" % Famous last words: % @@ -18517,7 +18409,7 @@ Fat people of the world unite, we've got nothing to lose! Father: Son, it's time we talked about sex. Son: Sure, Dad, what do you want to know? % -Fats Loves Madelyn +Fats Loves Madelyn. % Fay: The British police force used to be run by men of integrity. Truscott: That is a mistake which has been rectified. @@ -18666,9 +18558,6 @@ Finagle's Eleventh Law: No matter what occurs, someone believes it happened according to his pet theory. % -Finagle's First Law: - If an experiment works, something has gone wrong. -% Finagle's First Law: To study a subject best, understand it thoroughly before you start. @@ -18685,10 +18574,6 @@ Finagle's Fifth Law: Finagle's Sixth Law: Don't believe in miracles -- rely on them. % -Finagle's Fourth Law: - Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it only makes -it worse. -% Finagle's Second Law: No matter what the anticipated result, there will always be someone eager to (a) misinterpret it, (b) fake it, or (c) believe it @@ -18819,7 +18704,7 @@ Fishbowl, n: Fishing, with me, has always been an excuse to drink in the daytime. -- Jimmy Cannon % -Five bicycles make a volkswagen, seven make a truck. +Five bicycles make a Volkswagen, seven make a truck. -- Adolfo Guzman % Five is a sufficiently close approximation to infinity. @@ -18867,7 +18752,7 @@ Five rules for eternal misery: Flame on! -- Johnny Storm % -FLANNISTER: +Flannister, n.: The plastic yoke that holds a six-pack of beer together. -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets" % @@ -18955,7 +18840,7 @@ tail on me, go ahead. They'd be very bored." commenting on rumors of womanizing. % Food for thought is no substitute for the real thing. - -- Walt Kelly, "Putluck Pogo" + -- Walt Kelly, "Potluck Pogo" % Foolproof Operation: No provision for adjustment. @@ -19030,7 +18915,7 @@ For example, if \thinmskip = 3mu, this makes \thickmskip = 6mu. But if you also want to use \skip12 for horizontal glue, whether in math mode or not, the amount of skipping will be in points (e.g., 6pt). The rule is that glue in math mode varies with the size only when it is an \mskip; -when moving between an mskipand ordinary skip, the conversion factor +when moving between an mskip and ordinary skip, the conversion factor 1mu=1pt is always used. The meaning of '\mskip\skip12' and '\baselineskip=\the\thickmskip' should be clear. -- Donald E. Knuth, TeX 82 -- Comparison with TeX80 @@ -19086,10 +18971,6 @@ For most men life is a search for the proper manila envelope in which to get themselves filed. -- Clifton Fadiman % -For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in -the same room and let them fight it out. - -- Stephen Wright -% For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out. -- Steven Wright @@ -19344,7 +19225,7 @@ hurt." The man doubles over and actually FEELS the pain. Dressing Up: A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the -garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up +garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals. Speaking of weddings, when reminiscing about weddings, women talk about "the ceremony". Men laugh about "the bachelor party". @@ -19502,17 +19383,10 @@ Socks: Women wear strange socks. They are cut way below the ankles, have pictures of clouds on them, and have a big fuzzy ball on the back. % -FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS! #6 - -RAZORBACK: Paul Harbride, 1984, 2 hours 25 min. - One of the great Australian films of the early 1980's, and - arguably the best movie ever made about a large, man-eating - hog. Some violence. With Gregory Harrison. -% FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #10 CARTABLANCA: - Bogart stars as the owner of a north african nightclub that sells + Bogart stars as the owner of a North African nightclub that sells only Mexican beer. Of course, this policy gets him into no end of trouble with the local French authorities who would really prefer wine and the occupying Germans who believe that only their beer is @@ -19533,7 +19407,7 @@ O.E.D.: David Lean, 1969, 3 hours 30 min. Lean's version of the Oxford Dictionary has been accused of shallowness in its treatment of a complete work. Omar Sharif - tends to overact as aardvark, but Alec Guiness is solid in + tends to overact as aardvark, but Alec Guinness is solid in the role of abbacy. As usual, the photography is stunning. With Julie Christie. % @@ -19563,6 +19437,13 @@ THE ATOMIC GRANDMOTHER: and to power small electrical appliances. Maureen Stapleton gives a glowing performance. % +FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #6 + +RAZORBACK: Paul Harbride, 1984, 2 hours 25 min. + One of the great Australian films of the early 1980's, and + arguably the best movie ever made about a large, man-eating + hog. Some violence. With Gregory Harrison. +% FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #7 OUT OF "OUT OF AFRICA": @@ -20155,7 +20036,7 @@ Fortune's Rules for Memo Wars: #2 Given the incredible advances in sociocybernetics and telepsychology over the last few years, we are now able to completely understand everything that -the author of an memo is trying to say. Thanks to modern developments +the author of a memo is trying to say. Thanks to modern developments in electrocommunications like notes, vnews, and electricity, we have an incredible level of interunderstanding the likes of which civilization has never known. Thus, the possibility of your misinterpreting someone else's @@ -20165,7 +20046,7 @@ the memo in question, but have absolutely nothing of substance to say, then you have an excellent opportunity for a vicious ad hominem attack. In fact, the only *inappropriate* times for an ad hominem attack are as follows: - 1: When you agree completely with the author of an memo. + 1: When you agree completely with the author of a memo. 2: When the author of the original memo is much bigger than you are. 3: When replying to one of your own memos. % @@ -20190,11 +20071,7 @@ Envy, content, and sufficient champagne. Three be the things I shall have till I die: Laughter and hope and a sock in the eye. - -- Inventory -% -Four be the things I'd been better without: -Love, curiosity, freckles, and doubt. --- Dorothy Parker, "Not So Deep as a Well" + -- Dorothy Parker, "Inventory" % Four fifths of the perjury in the world is expended on tombstones, women and competitors. @@ -20342,8 +20219,8 @@ schizophrenia in mass genocide. % From Italian tourist guide: - "Non stop trains to Roma Termini Station leave from 7.38 - a.m. to 10.08 p.m., hourly." + "Non stop trains to Roma Termini Station leave from 7.38 + a.m. to 10.08 p.m., hourly." % From listening comes wisdom and from speaking repentance. % @@ -20442,11 +20319,6 @@ Function reject. % Fundamentally, there may be no basis for anything. % -FURBLING: - Having to wander through a maze of ropes at an airport or bank - even when you are the only person in line. - -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets" -% Furbling, v.: Having to wander through a maze of ropes at an airport or bank even when you are the only person in line. @@ -20533,10 +20405,10 @@ determine his or her designated restroom (e.g., turtles and tortoises). -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" % -GENEALOGY: +Genealogy, n.: An account of one's descent from an ancestor who did not particularly care to trace his own. - -- Ambrose Bierce + -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" % General notions are generally wrong. -- Lady M. W. Montagu @@ -20682,7 +20554,7 @@ Get in touch with your feelings of hostility against the dying light. Get Revenge! Live long enough to be a problem for your children! % Getting into trouble is easy. - -- D. Winker and F. Prosser + -- D. Winkel and F. Prosser % Getting kicked out of the American Bar Association is liked getting kicked out of the Book-of-the-Month Club. @@ -20801,9 +20673,6 @@ Give these, the homeless, typist-tossed to me. I lift my disk beside the processor. -- Inscription on a Word Processor % -Give thought to your reputation. Consider changing name and moving to -a new town. -% Give thought to your reputation. Consider changing your name and moving to a new town. % @@ -20839,7 +20708,7 @@ Languages whose use squanders machine cycles are sinful. The LISP machine now permits LISP programmers to abandon bra and fig-leaf. -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 % -GLEEMITES: +Gleemites, n.: Petrified deposits of toothpaste found in sinks. -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets" % @@ -20876,11 +20745,8 @@ Gnagloot, n.: impress people. -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" % -Go ahead... make my day. - -- Dirty Harry -% Go ahead, make my day. - -- Harry Callahan + -- (Dirty) Harry Callahan % Go away, I'm all right. -- H. G. Wells' last words @@ -20943,9 +20809,6 @@ but many other things ceased as well. Woman was God's second mistake. -- Friedrich Nietzsche % -God did not create the world in 7 days; He screwed -around for 6 days and then pulled an all-nighter. -% God did not create the world in seven days; he screwed around for six days and then pulled an all-nighter. % @@ -21081,26 +20944,6 @@ You've got another program due, tomorrow, by the way. (chorus) -- to God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen % -God rest ye CS students now, -Let nothing you dismay. -The VAX is down and won't be up, -Until the first of May. -The program that was due this morn, -Won't be postponed, they say. - - Oh, tidings of comfort and joy, - Comfort and joy, - Oh, tidings of comfort and joy. - -The bearings on the drum are gone, -The disk is wobbling, too. -We've found a bug in Lisp, and Algol -Can't tell false from true. -And now we find that we can't get -At Berkeley's 4.2. - - (chorus) -% God runs electromagnetics by wave theory on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, and the Devil runs them by quantum theory on Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday. -- William Bragg @@ -21333,8 +21176,6 @@ Grabel's Law: % Graduate life -- it's not just a job, it's an indenture. % -Graduate life: It's not just a job. It's an indenture. -% Graduate students and most professors are no smarter than undergrads. They're just older. % @@ -21344,9 +21185,6 @@ he exclaimed: or a machine dreaming that I am Turing!" -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" % -Grandpa Charnock's Law: - You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. -% Grandpa Charnock's Law: You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. @@ -21496,17 +21334,11 @@ Gunter's Airborne Discoveries: (2) The strength of the turbulence is directly proportional to the temperature of your coffee. % -GURMLISH: +Gurmlish, n.: The red warning flag at the top of a club sandwich which prevents the person from biting into it and puncturing the roof of his mouth. -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets" % -Gurmlish, n.: - The red warning flag at the top of a club sandwich which -prevents the person from biting into it and puncturing the roof of his -mouth. - -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets" -% GURU: A person in T-shirt and sandals who took an elevator ride with a senior vice-president and is ultimately responsible for the @@ -21539,13 +21371,6 @@ H. L. Mencken's Law: Those who can -- do. Those who can't -- teach. -Martin's Extension: - Those who cannot teach -- administrate. -% -H. L. Mencken's Law: - Those who can -- do. - Those who can't -- teach. - Martin's Extension: Those who cannot teach -- administrate. @@ -21606,7 +21431,7 @@ Hacker's Quicky #313: % Hacking's just another word for nothing left to kludge. % -"Had he and I but met +Had he and I but met By some old ancient inn, But ranged as infantry, We should have sat us down to wet And staring face to face, Right many a nipperkin! I shot at him as he at me, @@ -21619,7 +21444,7 @@ That's clear enough; although Was out of work -- had sold his traps Yes; quaint and curious war is! You shoot a fellow down You'd treat, if met where any bar is -Or help to half-a-crown." +Or help to half-a-crown. -- Thomas Hardy % Had I been present at the creation, I would have given some @@ -21663,7 +21488,7 @@ Half of being smart is knowing what you're dumb at. Half the world is composed of people who have something to say and can't, and the other half who have nothing to say and keep on saying it. % -Half-done: +Half-done, n.: This is the best way to eat a kosher dill -- when it's still crunchy, light green, yet full of garlic flavor. The difference between this and the typical soggy dark green cucumber corpse is like @@ -21790,10 +21615,6 @@ And use them for his mittens -- "The 13 Clocks" % Hark, the Herald Tribune sings, -Advertising wondrous things. - -- Tom Lehrer -% -Hark, the Herald Tribune sings, Advertising wondrous things. Angels we have heard on High @@ -21889,9 +21710,6 @@ Hartley's First Law: You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to float on his back, you've got something. % -Hartley's Second Law: - Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself. -% Hartley's Second Law: Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself. @@ -21965,9 +21783,6 @@ Hating the Yankees is as American as pizza pie, unwed mothers and cheating on your income tax. -- Mike Royko % -hatred, n: - A sentiment appropriate to the occasion of another's superiority. -% Hatred, n.: A sentiment appropriate to the occasion of another's superiority. @@ -22228,8 +22043,6 @@ He knows not how to know who knows not also how to unknow. He laughs at every joke three times... once when it's told, once when it's explained, and once when he understands it. % -He looked at me as if I was a side dish he hadn't ordered. -% He looked at me as if I were a side dish he hadn't ordered. -- Ring Lardner % @@ -22501,7 +22314,7 @@ Hear about... up a chopped libber? % Hear about... - the guru who refused Novocain while having a tooth pulled because + the guru who refused Novocaine while having a tooth pulled because he wanted to transcend dental medication? % Hear about... @@ -22528,7 +22341,7 @@ Heard that the next Space Shuttle is supposed to carry several Guernsey cows? It's gonna be the herd shot 'round the world. % Hearts will never be practical until they can be made unbreakable. - -- The Wizard of Oz + -- Frank Morgan as The Wizard, "The Wizard of Oz" % Heaven and earth were created all together in the same instant, on October 23rd, 4004 B.C. at nine o'clock in the morning. @@ -22610,11 +22423,11 @@ Help a swallow land at Capistrano. % Help fight continental drift. % -HELP!!!! I'm being held prisoner in /usr/games/lib! +HELP!!!! I'm being held prisoner in /usr/share/games/fortune! % Help me, I'm a prisoner in a Fortune cookie file! % -Help stamp out and abolish redundancy. +Help stamp out and abolish redundancy! % Help stamp out Mickey-Mouse computer interfaces -- Menus are for Restaurants! % @@ -22639,8 +22452,8 @@ Who'd give their lords to save their hair, No stellar recognition's given. There are not stars enough in heaven. % -"Here at the Phone Company, we serve all kinds of people; from -Presidents and Kings to the scum of the earth ..." +Here at the Phone Company, we serve all kinds of people; +from Presidents and Kings to the scum of the earth ... % Here comes the orator, with his flood of words and his drop of reason. % @@ -23503,7 +23316,7 @@ Human beings were created by water to transport it uphill. % Human cardiac catheterization was introduced by Werner Forssman in 1929. Ignoring his department chief, and tying his assistant to an operating -table to prevent her interference, he placed a ureteral catheter into +table to prevent her interference, he placed a urethral catheter into a vein in his arm, advanced it to the right atrium [of his heart], and walked upstairs to the x-ray department where he took the confirmatory x-ray film. In 1956, Dr. Forssman was awarded the Nobel Prize. @@ -23551,7 +23364,7 @@ Uncles and Wickersham Cousins and Wickersham In-Laws, whose help I've engaged, You're going to be roped! And you're going to be caged! And, as for your dust speck... Hah! That we shall boil in a hot steaming kettle of Beezle-But oil!" - -- Dr. Seuss "Horton Hears a Who" + -- Dr. Seuss, "Horton Hears a Who" % Humpty Dumpty sat on the wall, Humpty Dumpty had a great fall! @@ -23604,14 +23417,6 @@ viewpoint -- no matter how distasteful to the majority. What are our schools for if not indoctrination against Communism? -- Richard Nixon % -I also believe that academic freedom should protect the right of a -professor or student to advocate Marxism, socialism, communism, or any -other minority viewpoint -- no matter how distasteful to the majority. - -- Richard M. Nixon - -What are our schools for if not indoctrination against Communism? - -- Richard M. Nixon -% I always choose my friends for their good looks and my enemies for their good intellects. Man cannot be too careful in his choice of enemies. -- Oscar Wilde, "The Picture of Dorian Gray" @@ -23720,18 +23525,11 @@ I just think about it. I just went to an art museum where all of the art was done by children. All the paintings were hung on refrigerators. -- Steven Wright % -I am, in point of fact, a particularly haughty and exclusive person, of -pre-Adamite ancestral descent. You will understand this when I tell you -that I can trace my ancestry back to a protoplasmal primordial atomic -globule. Consequently, my family pride is something inconceivable. I -can't help it. I was born sneering. - -- Pooh-Bah, "The Mikado" -% -"I am, in point of fact, a particularly haughty and exclusive person, +I am, in point of fact, a particularly haughty and exclusive person, of pre-Adamite ancestral descent. You will understand this when I tell you that I can trace my ancestry back to a protoplasmal primordial atomic globule. Consequently, my family pride is something -inconceivable. I can't help it. I was born sneering." +inconceivable. I can't help it. I was born sneering. -- Pooh-Bah, "The Mikado", Gilbert & Sullivan % I am just a nice, clean-cut Mongolian boy. @@ -23896,7 +23694,7 @@ I bet you have fun chasing the soap around the bathtub. a visit to a London veterans hospital % I bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house. - -- Stephen Wright + -- Steven Wright % I brake for chezlogs! % @@ -23957,7 +23755,7 @@ I can relate to that. true." -- Harry S. Truman % -"I can resist anything but temptation." +I can resist anything but temptation. % I can see him a'comin' With his big boots on, @@ -23978,7 +23776,7 @@ I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better. -- A. J. Liebling % -"I cannot and will not cut my conscience to fit this year's fashions." +I cannot and will not cut my conscience to fit this year's fashions. -- Lillian Hellman % I cannot believe that God plays dice with the cosmos. @@ -24040,7 +23838,7 @@ forms. You've got to kill the people producing them. % I can't understand it. I can't even understand the people who can understand it. - -- Queen Juliana of the Netherlands. + -- Queen Juliana of the Netherlands % I can't understand why a person will take a year or two to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars. @@ -24050,10 +23848,15 @@ I can't understand why people are frightened of new ideas. I'm frightened of the old ones. -- John Cage % +"I changed my headlights the other day. I put in strobe lights +instead! Now when I drive at night, it looks like everyone else is +standing still ..." + -- Steven Wright +% I collect rare photographs... I have two... One of Houdini locking his keys in his car... the other is a rare picture of Norman Rockwell beating up a child. - -- Stephen Wright + -- Steven Wright % I come from a small town whose population never changed. Each time a woman got pregnant, someone left town. @@ -24441,11 +24244,6 @@ I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it. I get my exercise acting as pallbearer to my friends who exercise. -- Chauncey Depew % -I get up each morning, gather my wits. - Pick up the paper, read the obits. -If I'm not there I know I'm not dead. - So I eat a good breakfast and go back to bed. -% I get up each morning, gather my wits. Pick up the paper, read the obits. If I'm not there I know I'm not dead. @@ -24478,7 +24276,7 @@ would just like to know what happened to the money?' I said, 'Mr. Jones, I'll give it to you straight. I gave all of the money to my friend Slick, and with it he built a nuclear weapon... and I would appreciate it you never called me again." - -- Stephen Wright + -- Steven Wright % I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer and @@ -24629,7 +24427,7 @@ didn't know -- my calendar doesn't have any sevens. I have a dog; I named him Stay. So when I'd go to call him, I'd say, "Here, Stay, here..." but he got wise to that. Now when I call him he ignores me and just keeps on typing. - -- Stephen Wright + -- Steven Wright % I have a dream. I have a dream that one day, on the red hills of Georgia, the sons of former slaves and the sons of former slaveowners will be able to @@ -24639,7 +24437,7 @@ sit down together at the table of brotherhood. I have a friend whose a billionaire. He invented Cliff's notes. When I asked him how he got such a great idea he said, "Well first I... I just... to make a long story short..." - -- Stephen Wright + -- Steven Wright % I have a hard time being attracted to anyone who can beat me up. -- John McGrath, Atlanta sportswriter, on women weightlifters @@ -24658,7 +24456,7 @@ The funniest thing about him is the way he likes to grow-- Not at all like proper children, which is always very slow; For he sometimes shoots up taller, like an india-rubber ball, And he sometimes gets so little that there's none of him at all. - -- R. L. Stevenson + -- Robert Louis Stevenson % I have a map of the United States. It's actual size. I spent last summer folding it. @@ -24764,13 +24562,13 @@ I have just had eighteen whiskeys in a row. I do believe that is a record. -- Dylan Thomas, his last words % -"I have just read your lousy review buried in the back pages. You +I have just read your lousy review buried in the back pages. You sound like a frustrated old man who never made a success, an eight-ulcer man on a four-ulcer job, and all four ulcers working. I have never met you, but if I do you'll need a new nose and plenty of beefsteak and perhaps a supporter below. Westbrook Pegler, a guttersnipe, is a gentleman compared to you. You can take that as more -of an insult than as a reflection on your ancestry." +of an insult than as a reflection on your ancestry. -- Harry S. Truman % I have learned silence from the talkative, @@ -24820,7 +24618,7 @@ I have never seen anything fill up a vacuum so fast and still suck. Steve Jobs said two years ago that X is brain-damaged and it will be gone in two years. He was half right. - -- Dennis Ritchie + -- Dennis M. Ritchie Dennis Ritchie is twice as bright as Steve Jobs, and only half wrong. -- Jim Gettys @@ -24867,7 +24665,7 @@ advantage to myself. But, notwithstanding the sacrifice of these advantages for the purpose of maturing an engine of almost intellectual power, and after expending from my own private fortune a larger sum than the government of England has spent on that machine, the execution of which it only -commenced, I have received neither an acknowledgement of my labors, not even +commenced, I have received neither an acknowledgement of my labors, nor even the offer of those honors or rewards which are allowed to fall within the reach of men who devote themselves to purely scientific investigations... If the work upon which I have bestowed so much time and thought were @@ -24888,9 +24686,6 @@ be economized by the aid of machinery. -- Charles Babbage, "The Life of a Philosopher" % I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer. - -- Kehlog Albran -% -"I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer." -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit" % I have seen the Great Pretender and he is not what he seems. @@ -25224,7 +25019,7 @@ I must get out of these wet clothes and into a dry Martini. week sometimes to make it up." -- Mark Twain, "The Innocents Abroad" % -I must have slipped a disk -- my pack hurts +I must have slipped a disk -- my pack hurts! % I myself have dreamed up a structure intermediate between Dyson spheres and planets. Build a ring 93 million miles in radius -- one Earth orbit @@ -25265,9 +25060,6 @@ I never expected to see the day when girls would get sunburned in the places they do today. -- Will Rogers % -"I never fail to convince an audience that the best thing they could do -was to go away." -% I never failed to convince an audience that the best thing they could do was to go away. % @@ -25354,21 +25146,13 @@ wasting the labor of the people, under the pretense of caring for them, they will be happy. -- Thomas Jefferson % -I played lead guitar in a band called The Federal Duck, which is the kind -of name that was popular in the '60s as a result of controlled substances -being in widespread use. Back then, there were no restrictions, in terms -of talent, on who could make an album, so we made one, and it sounds like -a group of people who have been given powerful but unfamiliar instruments -as a therapy for a degenerative nerve disease. - -- Dave Barry -% -"I played lead guitar in a band called The Federal Duck, which is the +I played lead guitar in a band called The Federal Duck, which is the kind of name that was popular in the '60s as a result of controlled substances being in widespread use. Back then, there were no restrictions, in terms of talent, on who could make an album, so we made one, and it sounds like a group of people who have been given powerful but unfamiliar instruments as a therapy for a degenerative -nerve disease." +nerve disease. -- Dave Barry, "The Snake" % I pledge allegiance to the flag @@ -25400,10 +25184,10 @@ slob." % I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles. - -- Stephen Wright + -- Steven Wright % I put instant coffee in my microwave oven and almost went back in time. - -- Stephen Wright + -- Steven Wright % I put the shotgun in an Adidas bag and padded it out with four pairs of tennis socks, not my style at all, but that was what I was aiming for: If @@ -25469,7 +25253,7 @@ wall that didn't do anything... so anytime I had nothing to do, I'd just flick that switch up and down... up and down... up and down... Then one day I got a letter from a woman in Germany... it just said "Cut it out." - -- Stephen Wright + -- Steven Wright % I recognize terror as the finest emotion and so I will try to terrorize the reader. But if I find that I cannot terrify, I will try to horrify, and if @@ -25539,7 +25323,7 @@ and ran on. -- Stephen Crane % I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second. - -- Stephen Wright + -- Steven Wright % I saw Lassie. It took me four shows to figure out why the hairy kid never spoke. I mean, he could roll over and all that, but did that @@ -25557,7 +25341,7 @@ There's a bad moon on the rise. -- J. C. Fogerty, "Bad Moon Rising" % I see a good deal of talk from Washington about lowering taxes. I hope -they do get 'em lowered enough so people can afford to pay 'em. +they do get 'em lowered down enough so people can afford to pay 'em. -- Will Rogers % I see the eigenvalue in thine eye, @@ -25627,7 +25411,7 @@ I shall give a propagandist reason for starting the war, no matter whether it is plausible or not. The victor will not be asked afterwards whether he told the truth or not. When starting and waging war it is not right that matters, but victory. - -- Adolph Hitler + -- Adolf Hitler % I shot an arrow in to the air, and it stuck. -- graffito in Los Angeles @@ -25658,7 +25442,7 @@ ability. -- Oscar Wilde % I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone. - -- Stephen Wright + -- Steven Wright % "I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died." @@ -25735,10 +25519,6 @@ are worth considering, to wit: "When paying tolls, remember that it is necessary to release the quarter a full 3 seconds before passing the basket if you are traveling more than 60 MPH." - -[110.13]: - "When traveling on a one-way street, stay to the right, so as not - to interfere with oncoming traffic." % I suppose some of the variation between Boston drivers and the rest of the country is due to the progressive Massachusetts Driver Education Manual which @@ -25864,7 +25644,7 @@ Came and chopped the trees all down. But I will trick those dirty skunks And write a brand new poem called "Trunks". % -"I think the sky is blue because it's a shift from black through purple +I think the sky is blue because it's a shift from black through purple to blue, and it has to do with where the light is. You know, the farther we get into darkness, and there's a shifting of color of light into the blueness, and I think as you go farther and farther away from @@ -25872,7 +25652,7 @@ the reflected light we have from the sun or the light that's bouncing off this earth, uh, the darker it gets ... I think if you look at the color scale, you start at black, move it through purple, move it on out, it's the shifting of color. We mentioned before about the stars -singing, and that's one of the effects of the shifting of colors." +singing, and that's one of the effects of the shifting of colors. -- Pat Robertson, The 700 Club % I think the world is ready for the story of an ugly duckling, who grew up to @@ -25961,10 +25741,6 @@ I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own." One of them said, "So will you." -- Rodney Dangerfield % -I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in -twenty minutes. It's about Russia. - -- Woody Allen -% I took a course in speed reading, learning to read straight down the middle of the page, and I was able to go through "War and Peace" in twenty minutes. It's about Russia. @@ -25998,7 +25774,7 @@ I never have to go upstairs. I just bought a microwave fireplace... You can spend an evening in front of it in only eight minutes. - -- Stephen Wright + -- Steven Wright % I understand why you're confused. You're thinking too much. -- Carole Wallach @@ -26062,7 +25838,7 @@ to be out that long." I put a new engine in my car, but didn't take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles an hour. - -- Stephen Wright + -- Steven Wright % I used to think I was a child; now I think I am an adult -- not because I no longer do childish things, but because those I call adults are no @@ -26136,11 +25912,11 @@ Wild horses kicked me in my side Then a rattlesnake bit me and he walked off and died. -- Bo Diddley % -"I was drunk last night, crawled home across the lawn. By accident I +I was drunk last night, crawled home across the lawn. By accident I put the car key in the door lock. The house started up. So I figured what the hell, and drove it around the block a few times. I thought I should go park it in the middle of the freeway and yell at everyone to -get off my driveway." +get off my driveway. -- Steven Wright % I was eatin' some chop suey, @@ -26200,8 +25976,8 @@ their lives doing things they detest to make money they don't want to buy things they don't need to impress people they dislike. -- Emile Henry Gauvreay % -"I was playing poker the other night ... with Tarot cards. I got a full -house and four people died." +I was playing poker the other night ... with Tarot cards. I got a full +house and four people died. -- Steven Wright % I was the best I ever had. @@ -26266,7 +26042,7 @@ I went to a Grateful Dead Concert and they played for SEVEN hours. Great song. -- Fred Reuss % -"I went to a job interview the other day, the guy asked me if I had any +I went to a job interview the other day, the guy asked me if I had any questions, I said yes, just one, if you're in a car traveling at the speed of light and you turn your headlights on, does anything happen? @@ -26276,7 +26052,7 @@ for him then. % I went to a place to eat. It said `BREAKFAST ANYTIME.' So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance. - -- Stephen Wright + -- Steven Wright % I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time." So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance. @@ -26370,15 +26146,6 @@ I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence. There's a knob called "brightness", but it doesn't seem to work. -- Gallagher % -"I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence. -There's a knob called `brightness', but it doesn't work." - -- Gallagher -% -I wish there was a knob on the TV where you could turn up the -intelligence. They've got one called brightness, but it doesn't -seem to work. - -- Gallagher -% I wish you humans would leave me alone. % I wish you were a Scotch on the rocks. @@ -26651,20 +26418,11 @@ solitary confinement. % Identify your visitor. % -idiot box, n: - The part of the envelope that tells a person where to place - the stamp when they can't quite figure it out for themselves. - -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets" -% Idiot Box, n.: The part of the envelope that tells a person where to place the stamp when they can't quite figure it out for themselves. -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" % -idiot, n: - A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence - in human affairs has always been dominant and controlling. -% Idiot, n.: A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in human affairs has always been dominant and controlling. @@ -26901,7 +26659,7 @@ If at first you don't succeed, redefine success. If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. -- W. E. Hickson % -If at first you don't succeed, try try again. Then quit. +If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it. % If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. @@ -27520,9 +27278,9 @@ they'll never hurt you, nine times out of ten! % If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice? % -If preceded by a '-' , the timezone shall be east of the Prime +If preceded by a '-', the timezone shall be east of the Prime Meridian; otherwise, it shall be west (which may be indicated by -an optional preceding '+' ). +an optional preceding '+'). -- POSIX 2001 The "+" or "-" indicates whether the time-of-day is ahead of @@ -27610,7 +27368,7 @@ and never be our destiny. -- Rene de Visme Williamson % If the automobile had followed the same development as the computer, a -Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per per gallon, +Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year killing everyone inside. -- Robert Cringely, InfoWorld % @@ -27725,12 +27483,6 @@ If there are epigrams, there must be meta-epigrams. If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong. % -If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, -the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong. - -If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which a procedure -can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way will promptly develop. -% If there is a sin against life, it consists perhaps not so much in despairing of life as in hoping for another life and in eluding the implacable grandeur of this life. @@ -27753,7 +27505,7 @@ If there really was a Jewish conspiracy to run the world, my rabbi would have let me in on it by now. I contribute enough to the shule. -- Saul Goodman % -If there was in justice in the world, "trust" would be a four-letter word. +If there was any justice in the world, "trust" would be a four-letter word. % If there were a school for, say, sheet metal workers, that after three years left its graduates as unprepared for their careers as does law @@ -27777,11 +27529,11 @@ him because they don't like his necktie. -- Attorney General William Saxbe % If things don't improve soon, you'd better ask them to stop helping you. -It's not time yet. % If this fortune didn't exist, somebody would have invented it. % If this is timesharing, give me my share right now. +It's not time yet. % If time heals all wounds, how come the belly button stays the same? % @@ -27792,6 +27544,10 @@ If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library? -- Lily Tomlin % If two men agree on everything, you may be sure that one of them is +doing the thinking. + -- Lyndon B. Johnson +% +If two men agree on everything, you may be sure that one of them is doing the thinking. -- Lyndon B. Johnson @@ -27803,10 +27559,6 @@ I do not believe that this generation of Americans is willing to resign itself to going to bed each night by the light of a Communist moon. -- Lyndon B. Johnson % -If two men agree on everything, you may be sure that one of them is -doing the thinking. - -- Lyndon Baines Johnson -% If two people love each other, there can be no happy end to it. -- Ernest Hemingway % @@ -27900,9 +27652,6 @@ If you are a police dog, where's your badge? If you are afraid of loneliness, don't marry. -- Anton Chekov % -If you are afraid of loneliness, don't marry. - -- Chekhov -% If you are going to walk on thin ice, you may as well dance. % If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are real @@ -27924,11 +27673,6 @@ evidence of a poetic nature, do not forget that actions speak louder than words. -- Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life" % -If you are of the opinion that the contemplation of suicide is -sufficient evidence of a poetic nature, do not forget that actions -speak louder than words. - -- Fran Lebowitz -% If you are over 80 years old and accompanied by your parents, we will cash your check. % @@ -28372,10 +28116,6 @@ ask someone who's waiting for a prompt. % If you think the United States has stood still, who built the largest shopping center in the world? - -- Richard M. Nixon -% -If you think the United States has stood still, -who built the largest shopping center in the world? -- Richard Nixon % If you think things can't get worse it's probably only because you @@ -28640,9 +28380,9 @@ I'll be Grateful when they're Dead. I'll burn my books. -- Christopher Marlowe % -"I'll carry your books, I'll carry a tune, I'll carry on, carry over, +I'll carry your books, I'll carry a tune, I'll carry on, carry over, carry forward, Cary Grant, cash & carry, Carry Me Back To Old Virginia, -I'll even Hara Kari if you show me how, but I will *not* carry a gun." +I'll even Hara Kari if you show me how, but I will *not* carry a gun. -- Hawkeye, M*A*S*H % I'll defend to the death your right to say that, but I never said I'd @@ -28749,7 +28489,7 @@ a sports jacket and take off my brain. I'm a Lisp variable -- bind me! % I'm a lucky guy, and I'm happy to be with the Yankees. And I want to - thank everyone for making this night necessary. +thank everyone for making this night necessary. -- Yogi Berra at a dinner in his honor % "I'm all for computer dating, but I wouldn't want one to marry my @@ -28798,7 +28538,7 @@ I'm dying beyond my means. -- Oscar Wilde, his last words, while sipping champagne % "I'm dying," he croaked. -"My experiment was a success," the chemist retorted . +"My experiment was a success," the chemist retorted. "You can't really train a beagle," he dogmatized. "That's no beagle, it's a mongrel," she muttered. "The fire is going out," he bellowed. @@ -28865,9 +28605,6 @@ says a war isn't really a war without my jokes. I'm hungry, time to eat lunch. % I'm in Pittsburgh. Why am I here? - -- Harold Urey -% -"I'm in Pittsburgh. Why am I here?" -- Harold Urey, Nobel Laureate % I'm just as sad as sad can be! @@ -28885,11 +28622,11 @@ N-ary the tree, I am, I am. I'm getting traversed by the parser next door, She's traversed me seven times before. And ev'ry time it was an N-ary (N-ary!) -Never wouldn't ever do a binary. (No sir!) +Never wouldn't ever do a binary. (No sir!) I'm 'er eighth tree that was N-ary. N-ary the tree I am, I am, N-ary the tree I am. - Stolen from Paul Revere and the Raiders + -- Stolen from Paul Revere and the Raiders % I'm not a lovable man. -- Richard Nixon @@ -28990,7 +28727,7 @@ I'm very good at integral and differential calculus, I know the scientific names of beings animalculous; In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral, I am the very model of a modern Major-General. - -- Gilbert & Sullivan, "Pirates of Penzance" + -- Gilbert & Sullivan, "The Pirates of Penzance" % I'm very old-fashioned. I believe that people should marry for life, like pigeons and Catholics. @@ -29383,7 +29120,7 @@ The cuckoo-clock. % In just seven days, I can make you a man! -- The Rocky Horror Picture Show - [ (and seven nights...) Ed.] + [ (and seven nights...) Ed.] % In less than a century, computers will be making substantial progress on ... the overriding problem of war and peace. @@ -29518,7 +29255,7 @@ In seeking the unattainable, simplicity only gets in the way. In specifications, Murphy's Law supersedes Ohm's. % In spite of everything, I still believe that people are good at heart. - -- Ann Frank + -- Anne Frank % In success there's a tendency to keep on doing what you were doing. -- Alan Kay @@ -29838,8 +29575,6 @@ basketball. Berkeley, needless to say, is not nearly as athletic. Berkeley is dedicated to coffee, angst, potholes and coffee. -- Carolyn Jones % -Indifference will be the downfall of mankind, but who cares? -% Indifference will certainly be the downfall of mankind, but who cares? % Individualists unite! @@ -29854,16 +29589,13 @@ lies about us." The world begins lying about us pretty soon afterward. -- Ambrose Bierce % -Infidel: In New York, one who does not believe in the -Christian religion; in Constantinople, one who does. - -- Ambrose Bierce +Infidel, n.: + In New York, one who does not believe in the Christian religion; + in Constantinople, one who does. + -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" % Inform all the troops that communications have completely broken down. % -Information Center: - A room staffed by professional computer people whose job it is to - tell you why you cannot have the information you require. -% Information Center, n.: A room staffed by professional computer people whose job it is to tell you why you cannot have the information you require. @@ -30016,15 +29748,10 @@ Interfere? Of course we should interfere! Always do what you're best at, that's what I say. -- Doctor Who % -INTERPRETER: +Interpreter, n.: One who enables two persons of different languages to understand each other by repeating to each what it would have been to the interpreter's advantage for the other to have said. -% -Interpreter, n.: - One who enables two persons of different languages to -understand each other by repeating to each what it would have been to -the interpreter's advantage for the other to have said. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" % Into love and out again, @@ -30291,12 +30018,6 @@ He wanted all the buffalo dead It was sad, oh so sad. -- Ted Nugent, "The Great White Buffalo" % -It happened that a fire broke out backstage in a theater. The clown came -out to inform the public. They thought it was just a jest and applauded. -He repeated his warning, they shouted even louder. So I think the world -will come to an end amid general applause from all the wits, who believe -that it is a joke. -% It happened that a fire broke out backstage in a theater. The clown came out to inform the public. They thought it was just a jest and applauded. He repeated his warning, they shouted even louder. So I @@ -30314,11 +30035,6 @@ thrust into the affairs of another, from which some physiologists have drawn the inference that the nose is devoid of the sense of smell. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" % -It has been observed that one's nose is never so happy as when it -is thrust into the affairs of another, from which some physiologists -have drawn the inference that the nose is devoid of the sense of smell. - -- Ambrose Bierce -% It has been said [by Anatole France], "it is not by amusing oneself that one learns," and, in reply: "it is *____only* by amusing oneself that one can learn." @@ -30347,10 +30063,6 @@ and relating (to self and others), more than skill, in which minimum competence will be quite enough. -- The Underground Grammarian % -It has long been an axiom of mine that the little things are infinitely -the most important. - -- Sherlock Holmes -% It has long been an axiom of mine that the little things are infinitely the most important. -- Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, "A Case of Identity" @@ -30406,7 +30118,7 @@ but would also be three months late, and of much lower quality. I did, and it was. He was right on both counts. Moreover, the lack of conceptual integrity made the system far more costly to build and change, and I would estimate that it added a year to debugging time. - -- Frederick Brooks Jr., "The Mythical Man Month" + -- Frederick Brooks Jr., "The Mythical Man-Month" % It is a wise father that knows his own child. -- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice" @@ -30528,11 +30240,6 @@ remember. % It is difficult to legislate morality in the absence of moral legislators. % -It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both incisive -and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by twelve dancing -rabbits singing about toilet paper. - -- R. Serling -% It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both incisive and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by twelve dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper. @@ -30544,10 +30251,6 @@ It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle if it is lightly greased. -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit" % -It is easier for a camel to pass through the -eye of a needle if it is lightly greased. - -- Kehlog Albran -% It is easier to be a "humanitarian" than to render your own country its proper due; it is easier to be a "patriot" than to make your community a better place to live in; it is easier to be a "civic leader" than to @@ -30704,11 +30407,11 @@ that makes life blessed. % It is not enough that I should succeed. Others must fail. -- Ray Kroc, founder of McDonald's - [Also attributed to David Merrick. Ed.] + [Also attributed to David Merrick. Ed.] It is not enough to succeed. Others must fail. -- Gore Vidal - [Great minds think alike? Ed.] + [Great minds think alike? Ed.] % It is not enough to have a good mind. The main thing is to use it well. @@ -30871,7 +30574,7 @@ It is the business of the future to be dangerous. -- Hawkwind % It is the nature of extreme self-lovers, as they will -set an house on fire, and it were but to roast their eggs. +set a house on fire, and it were but to roast their eggs. -- Francis Bacon % It is the quality rather than the quantity that matters. @@ -31055,7 +30758,7 @@ Air Force, which sent in gunships to scatter the Cubans and relieve the unit. -- Aviation Week and Space Technology % It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing, -but I couldn't give up because by that time I was too famous. +but I couldn't give it up because by that time I was too famous. -- Robert Benchley % It turned out that the worm exploited three or four different holes in the @@ -31217,7 +30920,7 @@ It's all in the mind, ya know. It's all right letting yourself go as long as you can let yourself back. -- Mick Jagger % -"It's all so painfully empty and lonesome... I don't think I can stand +It's all so painfully empty and lonesome... I don't think I can stand any more of it... the whole dreadful way we are born, die, and are never missed. The fact there is *nobody*... nobody really... We come out of a yawning tomb of flesh and sink back finally into another tomb. @@ -31225,7 +30928,7 @@ What is the point of it all? Who thought up this sickening circle of flesh and blood? We come into the world bleeding and cut and our bones half-crushed only to emerge and suffer more torment, mutilation, and then at the last lie down in some hole in the ground forever. Who could -have thought it up, I wonder?" +have thought it up, I wonder? -- James Purdy % It's always a long day; 86400 doesn't fit into a short. @@ -31643,7 +31346,7 @@ I've got all the money I'll ever need if I die by 4 o'clock. -- Henny Youngman % I've got some powdered water, but I don't know what to add. - -- Stephen Wright + -- Steven Wright % I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it. -- Groucho Marx @@ -31679,9 +31382,9 @@ I've noticed several design suggestions in your code. % I've only got 12 cards. % -"I've seen better heads on half a pint of beer." +I've seen better heads on half a pint of beer. % -"I've seen, I SAY, I've seen better heads on a mug of beer" +I've seen, I SAY, I've seen better heads on a mug of beer. -- Senator Claghorn % I've spent almost all of my life with highly intelligent men. They're not @@ -31861,12 +31564,6 @@ to blame it on. Jone's Motto: Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate. % -Jones's First Law: - Anyone who makes a significant contribution to any field of -endeavor, and stays in that field long enough, becomes an obstruction -to its progress -- in direct proportion to the importance of their -original contribution. -% Joshu: What is the true Way? Nansen: Every way is the true Way. J: Can I study it? @@ -31968,7 +31665,7 @@ Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they AREN'T after you. % Just close your eyes, tap your heels together three times, and think to yourself, `There's no place like home.' - -- Glynda + -- Billie Burke as Glinda, "The Wizard of Oz" % Just give Alice some pencils and she will stay busy for hours. % @@ -32014,6 +31711,7 @@ Supporting each man on the top of the tide That alone should encourage the crew. Just the place for a Snark! I have said it thrice: What I tell you three times is true.' + -- Lewis Carroll, "The Hunting of the Snark" % Just think -- blessed SCSI cables! Do a big enough sacrifice and create a +5 blessed SCSI cable of connectivity. @@ -32138,13 +31836,6 @@ Keep in mind always the four constant Laws of Frisbee: Frisbee will invariably bounce out of your hand or hit you in the head and knock you silly. % -Keep in mind always the two constant Laws of Frisbee: - (1) The most powerful force in the world is that of a disc - straining to land under a car, just out of reach (this - force is technically termed "car suck"). - (2) Never precede any maneuver by a comment more predictive - than "Watch this!" -% Keep it short for pithy sake. % Keep on keepin' on. @@ -32183,7 +31874,7 @@ Keep your mouth shut and people will think you stupid; Open it and you remove all doubt. % Ken Thompson has an automobile which he helped design. Unlike most -automobiles, it has neither speedometer, nor gas gage, nor any of the +automobiles, it has neither speedometer, nor gas gauge, nor any of the numerous idiot lights which plague the modern driver. Rather, if the driver makes any mistake, a giant "?" lights up in the center of the dashboard. "The experienced driver", he says, "will usually know @@ -32397,14 +32088,6 @@ Knucklehead: "I didn't know you could yodel" Kramer's Law: You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the tracks. % -Kramer's Law: -You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the track. -% -KROGT: - (chemical symbol: Kr) The metallic silver coating found - on fast-food game cards. - -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets" -% Krogt, n. (chemical symbol: Kr): The metallic silver coating found on fast-food game cards. -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" @@ -32418,10 +32101,6 @@ Labor, n.: One of the processes by which A acquires property for B. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" % -Labor, n: - One of the processes whereby A acquires property for B. - -- Ambrose Bierce -% Lack of capability is usually disguised by lack of interest. % Lack of money is the root of all evil. @@ -32440,7 +32119,7 @@ that one has to resort to using the "illegal" side. La-dee-dee, la-dee-dah. % Ladies and Gentlemen, Hobos and Tramps, -Cross-eyed mosquitoes and bowlegged ants, +Cross-eyed mosquitos and bowlegged ants, I come before you to stand behind you To tell you of something I know nothing about. Next Thursday (which is good Friday), @@ -32596,7 +32275,7 @@ Gee how I wish he'd go away! % Last night the power went out. Good thing my camera had a flash.... The neighbors thought it was lightning in my house, so they called the cops. - -- Stephen Wright + -- Steven Wright % "Last week a cop stopped me in my car. He asked me if I had a police record. I said, no, but I have the new DEVO album. Cops have no sense @@ -32607,7 +32286,7 @@ Last week's pet, this week's special. Last year we drove across the country... We switched on the driving... every half mile. We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip. I don't remember what it was. - -- Stephen Wright + -- Steven Wright % Last yeer I kudn't spel Engineer. Now I are won. % @@ -32834,8 +32513,6 @@ Let a fool hold his tongue and he will pass for a sage. % Let he who takes the plunge remember to return it by Tuesday. % -Let He who taketh the Plunge Remember to return it by Tuesday. -% Let him choose out of my files, his projects to accomplish. -- William Shakespeare, "Coriolanus" % @@ -32858,6 +32535,7 @@ Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks, But bears it out even to the edge of doom. If this be error and upon me proved, I never writ, nor no man ever loved. + -- William Shakespeare, Sonnet CXVI % Let me put it this way: today is going to be a learning experience. % @@ -32887,7 +32565,7 @@ Let sleeping dogs lie. -- Charles Dickens % Let the machine do the dirty work. - -- "Elements of Programming Style", Kernighan and Ritchie + -- Kernighan and Plauger, "The Elements of Programming Style" % Let the meek inherit the earth -- they have it coming to them. -- James Thurber @@ -32959,7 +32637,7 @@ really care about the person, you do what's necessary, or that's the end. For the first time, I found that I really could change, and the qualities I most admired in myself I gave up. I stopped being loud and bossy ... Oh, all right. I was still loud and bossy, but only behind -his back." +his back. -- Kate Hepburn, on Tracy and Hepburn % Let's love each other slowly, @@ -33069,10 +32747,6 @@ LIBRA (Sept 23 - Oct 23) unfortunately you won't be one of them. Consider not getting out of bed today. % -LIE: - A very poor substitute for the truth, - but the only one discovered to date. -% Lie, n.: A very poor substitute for the truth, but the only one discovered to date. @@ -33080,9 +32754,6 @@ discovered to date. Lieberman's Law: Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens. % -Lieberman's Law: -Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter, cuz nobody listens. -% Lies! All lies! You're all lying against my boys! -- Ma Barker % @@ -33211,9 +32882,6 @@ Life is like an onion: you peel it off one layer at a time, and sometimes you weep. -- Carl Sandburg % -Life is like an onion: you peel off layer after layer, then you find -there is nothing in it. -% Life is like an onion: you peel off layer after layer and then you find there is nothing in it. -- James Huneker @@ -33578,7 +33246,7 @@ Live in a world of your own, but always welcome visitors. % Live never to be ashamed if anything you do or say is published around the world -- even if what is published is not true. - -- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul + -- Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul % Live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so. -- Josh Billings @@ -33948,18 +33616,6 @@ Bite they little heads off, Nibble at they tiny feet. -- Kliban % -Love to eat them mousies, -Mousies what I love to eat. -Bite they little heads off, -Nibble on they tiny feet. - -- Kliban -% -Love to eat them mousies; -Mousies what I love to eat. -Bite they tiny heads off, -Nibble on they tiny feet! - -- Kilban -% Love, which is quickly kindled in a gentle heart, seized this one for the fair form that was taken from me-and the way of it afflicts me still. @@ -34056,11 +33712,8 @@ macho, adj.: Macho does not prove mucho. -- Zsa Zsa Gabor % -MAD: - Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence. -% Mad, adj.: - Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence ... + Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" % Madam, there's no such thing as a tough child -- if you parboil them @@ -34097,15 +33750,7 @@ Magary's Principle: % Magic is always the best solution -- especially reliable magic. % -Magnet, n.: Something acted upon by magnetism. - -Magnetism, n.: Something acting upon a magnet. - -The two preceding definitions are condensed from the works of one -thousand eminent scientists, who have illuminated the subject with a -great white light, to the inexpressible advancement of human knowledge. -% -Magnet, n.: Something acted upon by magnetism. +Magnet, n.: Something acted upon by magnetism Magnetism, n.: Something acting upon a magnet. @@ -34115,23 +33760,14 @@ with a great white light, to the inexpressible advancement of human knowledge. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" % -MAGNOCARTIC: - Any automobile that, when left unattended, attracts shopping carts. - -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets" -% Magnocartic, adj.: Any automobile that, when left unattended, attracts shopping carts. -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" % -MAGPIE: +Magpie, n.: A bird whose thievish disposition suggested to someone that it might be taught to talk. - -- Ambrose Bierce -% -Magpie, n.: - A bird whose thievish disposition suggested to someone that it -might be taught to talk. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" % MAIDEN AUNT: @@ -34147,11 +33783,11 @@ Maiden, n: the part of her that is audible, beaten out of the field by the canary -- which, also, is more portable. -Male, n: +Male, n.: A member of the unconsidered, or negligible sex. The male of the human race is commonly known to the female as Mere Man. The genus has two varieties: good providers and bad providers. - -- Ambrose Bierce + -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" % Maier's Law: If the facts do not conform to the theory, they must be disposed @@ -34252,7 +33888,7 @@ he has achieved so much -- the wheel, New York, wars and so on -- while all the dolphins had ever done was muck about in the water having a good time. But, conversely, the dolphins had always believed that they were far more intelligent than man -- for precisely the same reasons. - -- Douglas Adams, "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" + -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" % Man has made his bedlam; let him lie in it. -- Fred Allen @@ -34752,6 +34388,11 @@ Matrimony is the root of all evil. Matter cannot be created or destroyed, nor can it be returned without a receipt. % +[Maturity consists in the discovery that] there comes a critical moment +where everything is reversed, after which the point becomes to understand +more and more that there is something which cannot be understood. + -- S. A. Kierkegaard +% Maturity is only a short break in adolescence. -- Jules Feiffer % @@ -34883,12 +34524,7 @@ Meekness is uncommon patience in planning a worthwhile revenge. % Meester, do you vant to buy a duck? % -Meeting: - An assembly of computer experts coming together to decide what - person or department not represented in the room must solve the - problem. -% -Meeting, n.: +meeting, n: An assembly of people coming together to decide what person or department not represented in the room must solve a problem. % @@ -35244,17 +34880,11 @@ Misfortune, n.: % Misfortunes arrive on wings and leave on foot. % -MISS: +Miss, n.: A title with which we brand unmarried women to indicate that they are in the market. -% -Miss, n.: - A title with which we brand unmarried women to indicate that -they are in the market. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" % -Mistakes are oft the stepping stones to utter failure. -% Mistakes are often the stepping stones to utter failure. % Mistrust first impulses; they are always right. @@ -35266,7 +34896,7 @@ Mitchell's Law of Committees: Any simple problem can be made insoluble if enough meetings are held to discuss it. % -mittsquinter, adj: +mittsquinter, adj.: A ballplayer who looks into his glove after missing the ball, as if, somehow, the cause of the error lies there. -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets" @@ -35373,19 +35003,12 @@ awakened? The sudden voice of the stewardess on the plane's intercom, finally woke the bruiser, and Moishe, his heart in his mouth, rose to the occasion. "Feeling better now?" he asked solicitously. % -MOLECULE: +Molecule, n.: The ultimate, indivisible unit of matter. It is distinguished from the corpuscle, also the ultimate, indivisible unit of matter, by a closer resemblance to the atom, also the ultimate, indivisible unit of matter... The ion differs from the molecule, the corpuscle and the atom in that it is an ion... -% -Molecule, n.: - The ultimate, indivisible unit of matter. It is distinguished -from the corpuscle, also the ultimate, indivisible unit of matter, by a -closer resemblance to the atom, also the ultimate, indivisible unit of -matter ... The ion differs from the molecule, the corpuscle and the -atom in that it is an ion ... -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" % Mollison's Bureaucracy Hypothesis: @@ -35401,16 +35024,16 @@ Mom's Law: When they finally do have to take you to the hospital, your underwear won't be clean or new. % -MONDAY: - In Christian countries, the day after the football game. - -- Ambrose Bierce -% Monday is an awful way to spend one seventh of your life. % Monday, n.: In Christian countries, the day after the baseball game. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" % +Monday, n.: + In Christian countries, the day after the football game. + -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" +% Money and women are the most sought after and the least known of any two things we have. -- The Best of Will Rogers @@ -35616,7 +35239,7 @@ Most people feel that everyone is entitled to their opinion. Most people have a furious itch to talk about themselves and are restrained only by the disinclination of others to listen. Reserve is an artificial quality that is developed in most of us as the result of innumerable rebuffs. - -- W. S. Maugham + -- W. Somerset Maugham % Most people have a mind that's open by appointment only. % @@ -35737,7 +35360,7 @@ First his legs and then his thighs, his arms, his nose, his hair, his eyes... But all too late, for they were gone, and he had started on his dong... "Oh! foolish child!" the father mourns "You could have deep-fried that with prawns, -Some parsley and and some tartar sauce..." +Some parsley and some tartar sauce..." But H. was on his second course: his liver and his lights and lung, His ears, his neck, his chin, his tongue; "To think I raised him from the cot, And now he's going to scoff the lot!" @@ -35757,7 +35380,7 @@ in an agony, until, in not more than one minute, said he, 133,491,850,208,566,925,016,658,299,941,583,225!" An electronic computer might do the job a little faster but it wouldn't be as much fun to watch. - -- James R. Newman (The World of Mathematics) + -- James R. Newman, "The World of Mathematics" % MUMMY: An Egyptian who was pressed for time. @@ -35825,15 +35448,10 @@ Must be getting close to town -- we're hitting more people. Must I hold a candle to my shames? -- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice" % -MUSTGO: - Any item of food that has been sitting in the - refrigerator so long it has become a science project. - -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets" -% Mustgo, n.: Any item of food that has been sitting in the refrigerator so long it has become a science project. - -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" + -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets" % My advice to you, my violent friend, is to seek out gold and sit on it. -- The Dragon to Grendel, in John Gardner's "Grendel" @@ -35936,7 +35554,7 @@ My doctorate's in Literature, but it seems like a pretty good pulse to me. My experience with government is when things are non-controversial, beautifully co-ordinated and all the rest, it must be that not much is going on. - -- J. F. Kennedy + -- John F. Kennedy % My family history begins with me, but yours ends with you. -- Iphicrates @@ -35975,7 +35593,7 @@ but they were there to meet the boat. % My friend has a baby. I'm writing down all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant. - -- Stephen Wright + -- Steven Wright % My geometry teacher was sometimes acute, and sometimes obtuse, but always, always, he was right. @@ -36166,7 +35784,7 @@ My way of joking is to tell the truth. That's the funniest joke in the world. -- Muhammad Ali % -"My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies" +My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies. % Mystics always hope that science will some day overtake them. -- Booth Tarkington @@ -36213,13 +35831,13 @@ Madam, I'm Adam. Sit on a potato pan, Otis. -- The Mad Palindromist % -NAPOLEON: What shall we do with this soldier, Guiseppe? Everything he +NAPOLEON: What shall we do with this soldier, Giuseppe? Everything he says is wrong. -GUISEPPE: Make him a general, Excellency, and then everything he says +GIUSEPPE: Make him a general, Excellency, and then everything he says will be right. -- George Bernard Shaw, "The Man of Destiny" % -narcolepulacyi, n: +Narcolepulacyi, n.: The contagious action of yawning, causing everyone in sight to also yawn. -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets" @@ -36636,8 +36254,6 @@ new, adj: % New crypt. See /usr/news/crypt. % -New England Life, of course. Why? -% New England Life, of course. Why do you ask? % New Hampshire law forbids you to tap your feet, nod your head, or in @@ -36673,8 +36289,6 @@ Where they say you should not wander after dark. New York. -- Simon and Garfunkel % -New York's got the ways and means, just won't let you be. -% New York's got the ways and means; Just won't let you be. -- The Grateful Dead @@ -36687,10 +36301,6 @@ Newman's Discovery: Your best dreams may not come true; fortunately, neither will your worst dreams. % -Newpaper editors are men who separate the wheat from the chaff, and then -print the chaff. - -- Adlai Stevenson -% NEWS FLASH!! Today the East German pole-vault champion became the West German pole-vault champion. @@ -36702,6 +36312,10 @@ NEWSFLASH!! 1700 N. 17th St. this morning to see if the elevator was on its way down. It was. Age 31. % +Newspaper editors are men who separate the wheat from the chaff, and then +print the chaff. + -- Adlai Stevenson +% Newton's Fourth Law: Every action has an equal and opposite satisfaction. % Newton's Little-Known Seventh Law: @@ -36886,7 +36500,7 @@ No is no negative in a woman's mouth. -- Sidney % "No job too big; no fee too big!" - -- Dr. Peter Venkman, "Ghost-busters" + -- Dr. Peter Venkman, "Ghostbusters" % No line available at 300 baud. % @@ -37060,8 +36674,6 @@ their wish has been granted. % No problem is insoluble in all conceivable circumstances. % -No problem is so formidable that you can't just walk away from it. -% No problem is so formidable that you can't just walk away from it. -- C. Schulz % @@ -37088,11 +36700,11 @@ Logic, deduction. Accepted his fate. "Just change one instruction." He's just working late." -- The Perfect Programmer % -"No proper program contains an indication which as an operator-applied +No proper program contains an indication which as an operator-applied occurrence identifies an operator-defining occurrence which as an indication-applied occurrence identifies an indication-defining occurrence different from the one identified by the given indication as -an indication-applied occurrence." +an indication-applied occurrence. -- ALGOL 68 Report % No question is so difficult as one to which the answer is obvious. @@ -37236,7 +36848,7 @@ nominal egg: % Noncombatant, n.: A dead Quaker. - -- Ambrose Bierce + -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" % Non-Determinism is not meant to be reasonable. -- M. J. 0'Donnell @@ -37274,7 +36886,7 @@ No-one would remember the Good Samaritan if he had only had good intentions. He had money as well. -- Margaret Thatcher % -Norbert Weiner was the subject of many dotty professor stories. Weiner was, in +Norbert Wiener was the subject of many dotty professor stories. Wiener was, in fact, very absent minded. The following story is told about him: when they moved from Cambridge to Newton his wife, knowing that he would be absolutely useless on the move, packed him off to MIT while she directed the move. Since @@ -37288,7 +36900,7 @@ old address in Cambridge, of course). When he got there he realized that they had moved, that he had no idea where they had moved to, and that the piece of paper with the address was long gone. Fortunately inspiration struck. There was a young girl on the street and he conceived the idea of asking her where -he had moved to, saying, "Excuse me, perhaps you know me. I'm Norbert Weiner +he had moved to, saying, "Excuse me, perhaps you know me. I'm Norbert Wiener and we've just moved. Would you know where we've moved to?" To which the young girl replied, "Yes, Daddy, Mommy thought you would forget." The capper to the story is that I asked his daughter (the girl in the @@ -37408,8 +37020,6 @@ their courses. % Nostalgia is living life in the past lane. % -Nostalgia isn't what it used to be. -% Nostalgia just isn't what it used to be. % Not all men who drink are poets. @@ -37443,13 +37053,9 @@ chipped at it a bit, and everything was just fine ... Not Hercules could have knock'd out his brains, for he had none. -- William Shakespeare % -"Not only is this incomprehensible, but the ink is ugly and the paper -is from the wrong kind of tree." - -- Professor W., EECS, George Washington University -% Not only is this incomprehensible, but the ink is ugly and the paper is from the wrong kind of tree. - -- Professor, EECS, George Washington University + -- Professor W., EECS, George Washington University I'm looking forward to working with you on this next year. -- Professor, Harvard, on a senior thesis @@ -37571,7 +37177,7 @@ Nothing, nothing, nothing, no error, no crime is so absolutely repugnant to God as everything which is official; and why? because the official is so impersonal and therefore the deepest insult which can be offered to a personality. - -- Soren Kierkegaard + -- S. A. Kierkegaard % Nothing recedes like success. -- Walter Winchell @@ -37583,9 +37189,6 @@ which the hearer is permitted to laugh. Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits. -- Mark Twain % -Nothing succeeds like excess. - -- Oscar Wilde -% Nothing succeeds like success. -- Alexandre Dumas % @@ -37658,8 +37261,6 @@ Novinson's Revolutionary Discovery: When comes the revolution, things will be different -- not better, just different. % -Now and then an innocent man is sent to the legislature. -% Now and then an innocent person is sent to the legislature. % Now hatred is by far the longest pleasure; @@ -37807,7 +37408,7 @@ You got nothing -- you got nothing at all... We know his name and he mustn't get away. We're on the road and we're gunning for the Buddha. It would take one shot -- to blow him away... - -- Shriekback, "Gunning for the Buddah" + -- Shriekback, "Gunning for the Buddha" % Nuclear powered vacuum cleaners will probably be a reality within 10 years. -- Alex Lewyt (President of the Lewyt Corporation, @@ -37884,7 +37485,7 @@ O love, could thou and I with fate conspire To grasp this sorry scheme of things entire, Might we not smash it to bits And mould it closer to our hearts' desire? - -- Omar Khayyam, tr. FitzGerald + -- Omar Khayyam, tr. Fitzgerald % Oatmeal raisin. % @@ -37922,13 +37523,13 @@ OCCAM'S ERASER: The philosophical principle that even the simplest solution is bound to have something wrong with it. % -OCCIDENT: +Occident, n.: The part of the world lying west (or east) of the Orient. It is largely inhabited by Christians, powerful sub-tribe of the Hypocrites, whose principal industries are murder and cheating, which they are pleased to call "war" and "commerce." These, also, are the principal industries of the Orient. - -- Ambrose Bierce + -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" % OCEAN: A body of water occupying about two-thirds @@ -37985,14 +37586,10 @@ Of what you see in books, believe 75%. Of newspapers, believe 50%. And of TV news, believe 25% -- make that 5% if the anchorman wears a blazer. % -Office Automation: +Office Automation, n.: The use of computers to improve efficiency in the office by removing anyone you would want to talk with over coffee. % -Office Automation, n.: - The use of computers to improve efficiency by removing anyone -you would want to talk with over coffee. -% Official Project Stages: 1. Uncritical Acceptance 2. Wild Enthusiasm @@ -38148,7 +37745,7 @@ Shooting up my veins, Tell you, I've been a-thinkin' I could drive a shiny Lincoln, If I dealt in good cocaine. - -- To If I Only Had A Brain from "The Wizard of Oz" + -- To `If I Only Had A Brain' from "The Wizard of Oz" % Oh, I don't blame Congress. If I had $600 billion at my disposal, I'd be irresponsible, too. @@ -38313,10 +37910,6 @@ omnibiblious, adj.: Indifferent to type of drink. Ex: "Oh, you can get me anything. I'm omnibiblious." % -Omnibiblious, adj.: - Indifferent to type of drink. "Oh, you can get me anything. -I'm omnibiblious." -% OMNIVERSAL AWARENESS?? Oh, YEH!! First you need four GALLONS of JELL-O and a BIG WRENCH!! ... I think you drop th' WRENCH in the JELL-O as if it was a FLAVOR, or an INGREDIENT ... or ... I ... um ... @@ -38363,10 +37956,6 @@ pulled forth the head, holding it at arm's length. "Is this your friend?" taller." % On Monday mornings I am dedicated to the proposition that all men are -created jerks. - -- Avery -% -On Monday mornings I am dedicated to the proposition that all men are created jerks. -- H. Allen Smith, "Let the Crabgrass Grow" % @@ -38409,8 +37998,6 @@ Once, adv.: Enough. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" % -Once, adv.: Enough. -% Once again dread deed is done. Canon sleeps, his all-knowing eye shaded @@ -38450,22 +38037,6 @@ vehicular homicide, and he made no comment about Flipper or George Wilson. The Herald regrets the errors." -- "The Progressive", March, 1987 % -Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each -of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice. - In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians -called it "Christmas" and went to church; the Jews called it "Hanukka" and -went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People passing -each other on the street would say "Merry Christmas!" or "Happy Hanukka!" -or (to the atheists) "Look out for the wall!" -... - Once you're safely in the mall, you should tie your children to you -with ropes so the other shoppers won't try to buy them. Holiday shoppers -have been whipped into a frenzy by months of holiday advertisements, and -they will buy anything small enough to stuff into a shopping bag. If your -children object to being tied, threaten to take them to see Santa Claus; -that ought to shut them up. - -- Dave Barry -% Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice. @@ -39094,9 +38665,6 @@ hot sugar, cold sugar, carbohydrates and grease. Ed.] Only kings, presidents, editors, and people with tapeworms have the right to use the editorial "we". % -Only presidents, editors, and people with tapeworms have the right to -use the editorial "we." -% Only someone with nothing to be sorry for smiles back at the rear of an elephant. % @@ -39174,7 +38742,10 @@ with the grin that apes a smile. Being a blind faith, it is inaccessible to the light of disproof -- an intellectual disorder, yielding to no treatment but death. It is hereditary, but not contagious. % -OPTIMIST: +Optimist, n.: + A bagpiper with a beeper. +% +Optimist, n.: A proponent of the belief that black is white. A pessimist asked God for relief. @@ -39185,13 +38756,10 @@ would justify them." something -- the mortality of the optimist." -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" % -OPTIMIST: +Optimist, n.: Someone who goes down to the marriage bureau to see if his license has expired. % -optimist, n: - A bagpiper with a beeper. -% Optimization hinders evolution. % Or you or I must yield up his life to Ahrimanes. I would rather it were you. @@ -39211,10 +38779,6 @@ mastery of a subject -- the actual enemy is the unknown. Oregano, n.: The ancient Italian art of pizza folding. % -OREGON: - Eighty billion gallons of water with - no place to go on Saturday night. -% Oregon, n.: Eighty billion gallons of water with no place to go on Saturday night. @@ -39440,7 +39004,7 @@ Ozman's Laws: (4) Pizza always burns the roof of your mouth. % paak, n: A stadium or inclosed playing field. To put or leave (a - a vehicle) for a time in a certain location. + vehicle) for a time in a certain location. patato, n: The starchy, edible tuber of a widely cultivated plant. Septemba, n: The 9th month of the year. shua, n: Having no doubt; certain. @@ -39467,7 +39031,7 @@ Pain is just God's way of hurting you. Painting, n.: The art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather, and exposing them to the critic. - -- Ambrose Bierce + -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" % Pandora's Rule: Never open a box you didn't close. @@ -39551,10 +39115,6 @@ Pascal: in his grave if he knew about it. -- "Datamation", January 15, 1984 % -Pascal: - A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his - grave if he knew about it. -% Pascal is a language for children wanting to be naughty. -- Dr. Kasi Ananthanarayanan % @@ -39688,7 +39248,7 @@ can only be achieved by understanding. % Peace is much more precious than a piece of land... let there be no more wars. - -- Mohammed Anwar Sadat, 1918-1981 + -- Mohammed Anwar Sadat (1918-1981) % Peace, n.: In international affairs, a period of cheating between two @@ -39717,7 +39277,7 @@ Pedaeration, n.: sheet and one hanging off the edge of the bed. -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" % -pediddel: +Pediddel, n.: A car with only one working headlight. -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets" % @@ -39781,9 +39341,6 @@ People are unconditionally guaranteed to be full of defects. % People don't change; they only become more so. % -People don't make the same mistake twice -- they make it three times, -four times... -% People don't usually make the same mistake twice -- they make it three times, four time, five times... % @@ -39886,10 +39443,6 @@ Per buck you get more computing action with the small computer. -- R. W. Hamming % Pereant, inquit, qui ante nos nostra dixerunt. -"Confound those who have said our remarks before us." - -- Aelius Donatus -% -Pereant, inquit, qui ante nos nostra dixerunt. [Confound those who have said our remarks before us.] or [May they perish who have expressed our bright ideas before us.] @@ -40016,19 +39569,16 @@ Peterson's Rules: (3) Things that tick are not always clocks. (4) Suicide only works when you're bluffing. % -petribar: +Petribar, n.: Any sun-bleached prehistoric candy that has been sitting in the window of a vending machine too long. - -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets" + -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" % Phasers locked on target, Captain. % Philadelphia is not dull -- it just seems so because it is next to exciting Camden, New Jersey. % -Philadelphia is not dull -- it just seems so -because it is next to exciting Camden, New Jersy. -% Philogyny recapitulates erogeny; erogeny recapitulates philogyny. % philosophy: @@ -40050,7 +39600,7 @@ phosflink: Photographing a volcano is just about the most miserable thing you can do. -- Robert B. Goodman - [Who has clearly never tried to use a PDP-10. Ed.] + [Who has clearly never tried to use a PDP-10. Ed.] % Physically there is nothing to distinguish human society from the farm-yard except that children are more troublesome and costly than @@ -40085,9 +39635,9 @@ Pickle's Law: If Congress must do a painful thing, the thing must be done in an odd-number year. % -"Picture the sun as the origin of two intersecting 6-dimensional +Picture the sun as the origin of two intersecting 6-dimensional hyperplanes from which we can deduce a certain transformational -sequence which gives us the terminal velocity of a rubber duck ..." +sequence which gives us the terminal velocity of a rubber duck ... % Piddle, twiddle, and resolve, Not one damn thing do we solve. @@ -40098,12 +39648,6 @@ Pie are not square. Pie are round. Cornbread are square. Piece of cake! -- G. S. Koblas % -pig, n: - An animal (Porcus omnivorous) closely allied to the human race by - the splendor and vivacity of its appetite, which, however, is - inferior in scope, for it balks at pig. - -- Ambrose Bierce -% Pig, n.: An animal (Porcus omnivorous) closely allied to the human race by the splendor and vivacity of its appetite, which, however, is @@ -40228,22 +39772,6 @@ Please, Mother! I'd rather do it myself! Please remain calm, it's no use both of us being hysterical at the same time. % -Please stand for the Nation Anthem: - - O Canada - Our home and native land - True patriot love - In all thy sons' command - With glowing hearts we see thee rise - The true north strong and free - From far and wide, O Canada - We stand on guard for thee - God keep our land glorious and free - O Canada we stand on guard for thee - O Canada we stand on guard for thee - -Thank you. You may resume your seat. -% Please stand for the National Anthem: Australian's all, let us rejoice, @@ -40269,6 +39797,22 @@ Please stand for the National Anthem: Long to reign o'er us! God save the Queen! +Thank you. You may resume your seat. +% +Please stand for the National Anthem: + + O Canada + Our home and native land + True patriot love + In all thy sons' command + With glowing hearts we see thee rise + The true north strong and free + From far and wide, O Canada + We stand on guard for thee + God keep our land glorious and free + O Canada we stand on guard for thee + O Canada we stand on guard for thee + Thank you. You may resume your seat. % Please stand for the National Anthem: @@ -40422,10 +39966,10 @@ torches of martyrdom to the reformers of error. Politics makes strange bedfellows, and journalism makes strange politics. -- Amy Gorin % -politics, n: +Politics, n.: A strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles. The conduct of public affairs for private advantage. - -- Ambrose Bierce + -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" % Pollyanna's Educational Constant: The hyperactive child is never absent. @@ -40450,7 +39994,7 @@ laughter, singing Half a pound of treacle That's the way the chimney smokes Pope Goestheveezl -The square was finally cleared by armed carabineri with tears of +The square was finally cleared by armed carabinieri with tears of laughter streaming down their faces. The event set a record for hilarious civic functions, smashing the previous record set when Baron Hans Neizant B"ompzidaize was elected Landburgher of K"oln in 1653. @@ -40501,7 +40045,7 @@ Except with sour cream. Potahto' Pictures Productions Presents: THE TATERNATOR: Cyborg spud returns from the future to present-day -McDonald's restaurant to kill the potatoess (girl 'tater) who will give birth +McDonald's restaurant to kill the potatoes (girl 'tater) who will give birth to the world's largest french fry (The Dark Powers of Burger King are clearly behind this). Most quotable line: "Ah'll be baked..." @@ -40529,7 +40073,7 @@ Power and ignorance is a detestable cocktail. -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967) % Power corrupts. Absolute power is kind of neat. - -- John Lehman, Secretary of the Navy 1981-1987 + -- John Lehman, Secretary of the Navy, 1981-1987 % Power corrupts. And atomic power corrupts atomically. % @@ -40578,22 +40122,22 @@ Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition. Praise the sea; on shore remain. -- John Florio % -pray, n: - To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf - of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy. - -- Ambrose Bierce -% Pray to God, but keep rowing to shore. -- Russian proverb % +pray, v.: + To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf + of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy. + -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" +% Predestination was doomed from the start. % Prediction is very difficult, especially of the future. -- Niels Bohr % -Prejudice: +Prejudice, n.: A vagrant opinion without visible means of support. - -- Ambrose Bierce + -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" % Premature optimization is the root of all evil. -- Donald E. Knuth @@ -40686,11 +40230,6 @@ midterm. Once again a student did not receive a single point on his exam. Newell has now tossed 5 shutouts this quarter. Newell's earned exam average has now dropped to a phenomenal 30%. % -Professor Gorden Newell threw another shutout in last week's Chem. -Eng. 130 midterm. Once again no student received a single point on -his exam. Newell has now tossed five shutouts this quarter. Newell's -earned exam average has now dropped to a phenomenal 30% -% PROGRAM: Any task that can't be completed in one telephone call or one day. Once a task is defined as a program ("training program," @@ -40918,15 +40457,6 @@ Pudder's Law: % Punning is the worst vice, and there's no vice versa. % -Puns are little "plays on words" that a certain breed of person loves to -spring on you and then look at you in a certain self-satisfied way to indicate -that he thinks that you must think that he is by far the cleverest person -on Earth now that Benjamin Franklin is dead, when in fact what you are -thinking is that if this person ever ends up in a lifeboat, the other -passengers will hurl him overboard by the end of the first day even if they -have plenty of food and water. - -- Dave Barry -% Puns are little "plays on words" that a certain breed of person loves to spring on you and then look at you in a certain self-satisfied way to indicate that he thinks that you must think that he is by far the @@ -40958,8 +40488,6 @@ Pushing 30 is exercise enough. % Pushing 40 is exercise enough. % -Pushing forty is exercise enough. -% Put a pot of chili on the stove to simmer. Let it simmer. Meanwhile, broil a good steak. Eat the steak. Let the chili simmer. Ignore it. @@ -41008,6 +40536,9 @@ Pyro's of the world... IGNITE !!! Q: Are we not men? A: We are Vaxen. % +Q: Do you know what the death rate around here is? +A: One per person. +% Q: Have you heard about the man who didn't pay for his exorcism? A: He got re-possessed! % @@ -41015,22 +40546,25 @@ Q: How can we get the Beatles to reunite for one more concert? A: With three more bullets. % Q: How can you tell if an elephant is having an affair with - your wife? + your wife? A: You have to wait 22 months. % Q: How can you tell if an elephant is sitting on your back - in a hurricane? + in a hurricane? A: You can hear his ears flapping in the wind. % Q: How can you tell when a Burroughs salesman is lying? A: When his lips move. % Q: How did the elephant get to the top of the oak tree? -A: He sat on a acorn and waited for spring. +A: He sat on an acorn and waited for spring. Q: But how did he get back down? A: He crawled out on a leaf and waited for autumn. % +Q: How did you get into artificial intelligence? +A: Seemed logical -- I didn't have any real intelligence. +% Q: How do you catch a unique rabbit? A: Unique up on it! @@ -41086,11 +40620,21 @@ A: Five. One to screw in the lightbulb and four to share the Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Three. One to screw in the lightbulb and two to fend off all - those Californians trying to share the experience. + those Californians trying to share the experience. % Q: How many college football players does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Only one, but he gets three credits for it. % +Q: How many DEC repairmen does it take to fix a flat? +A: Five; four to hold the car up and one to swap tires. + +Q: How long does it take? +A: It's indeterminate. It will depend upon how many flats they've + brought with them. + +Q: What happens if you've got TWO flats? +A: They replace your generator. +% Q: How many Democrats does it take to enjoy a good joke? A: One more than you can find. % @@ -41109,6 +40653,12 @@ A: The door won't shut. Q: How can you tell if four elephants are in your refrigerator? A: There's a VW Bug in your driveway. % +Q: How many existentialists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? +A: Two. One to screw it in and one to observe how the lightbulb + itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective + reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward + a maudlin cosmos of nothingness. +% Q: How many hardware engineers does it take to change a lightbulb? A: None. We'll fix it in software. @@ -41121,12 +40671,29 @@ A: None. We'll document it in the manual. Q: How many tech writers does it take to change a lightbulb? A: None. The user can figure it out. % -Q: How many Harvard MBA's does it take to screw in a lightbulb? +Q: How many Harvard MBAs does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Just one. He grasps it firmly and the universe revolves around him. % -Q: How many IBM 370's does it take to execute a job? +Q: How many heterosexual males does it take to screw in a light bulb + in San Francisco? +A: Both of them. +% +Q: How many IBM 370s does it take to execute a job? A: Four, three to hold it down, and one to rip its head off. % +Q: How many IBM CPUs does it take to do a logical right shift? +A: 33. 1 to hold the bits and 32 to push the register. +% +Q: How many IBM CPUs does it take to execute a job? +A: Four; three to hold it down, and one to rip its head off. +% +Q: How many IBM types does it take to change a light bulb? +A: 100. Ten to do it, and 90 to write document number GC7500439-0001, + Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility, of which 10% of + the pages state only "This page intentionally left blank", and 20% + of the definitions are of the form "A ...... consists of sequences + of non-blank characters separated by blanks". +% Q: How many IBM types does it take to change a light bulb? A: Fifteen. One to do it, and fourteen to write document number GC7500439-0001, Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility, @@ -41134,6 +40701,13 @@ A: Fifteen. One to do it, and fourteen to write document number left blank", and 20% of the definitions are of the form "A:..... consists of sequences of non-blank characters separated by blanks". % +Q: How many journalists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? +A: Three. One to report it as an inspired government program to bring + light to the people, one to report it as a diabolical government + plot to deprive the poor of darkness, and one to win a Pulitzer + prize for reporting that Electric Company hired a lightbulb + assassin to break the bulb in the first place. +% Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? A: One. Only it's his light bulb when he's done. % @@ -41173,9 +40747,16 @@ A: You won't find a lawyer who can change a light bulb. Now, if Q: How many marketing people does it take to change a lightbulb? A: I'll have to get back to you on that. % +Q: How many Martians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? +A: One and a half. +% Q: How many Marxists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: None: The lightbulb contains the seeds of its own revolution. % +Q: How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? +A: One. He gives it to six Californians, thereby reducing the problem + to the earlier joke. +% Q: How many members of the U.S.S. Enterprise does it take to change a light bulb? A: Seven. Scotty has to report to Captain Kirk that the light bulb in @@ -41197,10 +40778,14 @@ A: Seven. Scotty has to report to Captain Kirk that the light bulb in given all lightbulbs they can carry. The new bulb is then inserted and the Enterprise continues on its five year mission. % +Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb? +A: Three. One to screw in the lightbulb and two to fend off all those + Californians trying to share the experience. +% Q: How many people from New Jersey does it take to change a light - bulb? + bulb? A: Three. One to do it, one to watch, and the third to shoot the - witness. + witness. % Q: How many pre-med's does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Five: One to change the bulb and four to pull the ladder @@ -41210,23 +40795,31 @@ Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? A: Only one, but it takes a long time, and the light bulb has to really want to change. % -Q: "How many Romulans does it take to screw in a light bulb?" -A: "Twelve; one to screw the light-bulb in, and eleven to self-destruct - the ship out of disgrace." +Q: How many Romulans does it take to screw in a light bulb? +A: Twelve. One to screw the light-bulb in, and eleven to + self-destruct the ship out of disgrace. [Warning: do not tell this joke to Romulans or else be ready for a fight. They consider it to be a disgrace, though it's pretty good for a LBJ. Ed.] % Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb? +A: Two. One to hold the giraffe and the other to fill the bathtub + with brightly colored machine tools. +% +Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb? A: Two, one to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools. [Surrealist jokes just aren't my cup of fur. Ed.] % -Q: How many WASP's does it take to change a lightbulb? +Q: How many WASPs does it take to change a lightbulb? A: One. % +Q: How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb? +A: None. The Universe spins the bulb, and the Zen master stays out + of the way. +% Q: How much does it cost to ride the Unibus? A: 2 bits. % @@ -41234,7 +40827,7 @@ Q: How was Thomas J. Watson buried? A: 9 edge down. % Q: Know what the difference between your latest project - and putting wings on an elephant is? + and putting wings on an elephant is? A: Who knows? The elephant *might* fly, heh, heh... % Q: Minnesotans ask, "Why aren't there more pharmacists from Alabama?" @@ -41243,7 +40836,6 @@ A: Easy. It's because they can't figure out how to get the little % Q: Somebody just posted that Roman Polanski directed Star Wars. What should I do? - A: Post the correct answer at once! We can't have people go on believing that! Very good of you to spot this. You'll probably be the only one to make the correction, so post as soon as you @@ -41252,13 +40844,28 @@ A: Post the correct answer at once! We can't have people go on enough to send the message by mail. Since you're the only one who really knows that it was Francis Coppola, you have to inform the whole net right away! - -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette + -- Brad Templeton, "Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions + on Netiquette" +% +Q: Somebody just posted that Roman Polanski directed Star Wars. What + should I do? +A: Post the correct answer at once! We can't have people go on + believing that! Very good of you to spot this. You'll probably be + the only one to make the correction, so post as soon as you can. No + time to lose, so certainly don't wait a day, or check to see if + somebody else has made the correction. + + And it's not good enough to send the message by mail. Since you're + the only one who really knows that it was Francis Coppola, you have + to inform the whole net right away! + -- Brad Templeton, "Emily Postnews Answers Your + Questions on Netiquette" % Q: What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill? A: "The elephants are coming over the hill." Q: What did he say when saw them coming over the hill wearing - sunglasses? + sunglasses? A: Nothing, for he didn't recognize them. % Q: What do a blonde and your computer have in common? @@ -41284,7 +40891,7 @@ A: Coke. (Because Things go better with Coke.) Q: What do they call the alphabet in Arkansas? A: The impossible dream. % -Q: What do WASP's do instead of making love? +Q: What do WASPs do instead of making love? A: Rule the country. % Q: What do Winnie the Pooh and John the Baptist have in common? @@ -41295,10 +40902,6 @@ A: A dope ring. Q: Why do blondes put their hair in ponytails? A: To cover up the valve stem. - -Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw - puzzle in only 6 months? -A: Because on the box it said "From 2-4 years". % Q: What do you call a blind pre-historic animal? A: Diyathinkhesaurus. @@ -41324,7 +40927,7 @@ A: What does it matter? He can't come anyway. [I got a dog with no legs -- I call him Cigarette. Every night, I take him out for a drag. Ed.] % -Q: What do you call a group of kids with low IQ's, drinking diet cola, +Q: What do you call a group of kids with low IQs, drinking diet cola, eating fruit, and singing? A: The Moron Tab and Apple Choir. % @@ -41353,6 +40956,9 @@ Q: What do you call the scratches that you get when a female sheep bites you? A: Ewe nicks. % +Q: What do you get when you cross a mobster with an international standard? +A: You get someone who makes you an offer that you can't understand! +% Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with an attorney? A: An offer you can't understand. % @@ -41365,7 +40971,7 @@ A: Not enough sand. Q: What does a blonde do first thing in the morning? A: She goes home. -Q: Why does blonde have fur on the hem of her dress? +Q: Why does a blonde have fur on the hem of her dress? A: To keep her neck warm. Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Monday? @@ -41381,7 +40987,7 @@ A: Open other end. Q: What goes: Sis! Boom! Baaaaah! A: Exploding sheep. % -Q: What happens when four WASP's find themselves in the same room? +Q: What happens when four WASPs find themselves in the same room? A: A dinner party. % Q: What is green and lives in the ocean? @@ -41405,9 +41011,9 @@ A: An Abelian grape. Q: What is purple and concord the world? A: Alexander the Grape. % -Q: "What is the burning question on the mind of every dyslexic - existentialist?" -A: "Is there a dog?" +Q: What is the burning question on the mind of every dyslexic + existentialist? +A: Is there a dog? % Q: What is the difference between a duck? A: One leg is both the same. @@ -41437,6 +41043,9 @@ Q: What looks like a cat, flies like a bat, brays like a donkey, and plays like a monkey? A: Nothing. % +Q: What's a light-year? +A: One-third less calories than a regular year. +% Q: What's black and white and red all over? A: Two nuns in a chainsaw fight. % @@ -41481,6 +41090,12 @@ A: The Boy Scouts have adult supervision. Q: What's the difference between Los Angeles and yogurt? A: Yogurt has a living, active culture. % +Q: What's the difference between USL and the Graf Zeppelin? +A: The Graf Zeppelin represented cutting edge technology for its time. +% +Q: What's the difference between USL and the Titanic? +A: The Titanic had a band. +% Q: What's tiny and yellow and very, very, dangerous? A: A canary with the super-user password. % @@ -41532,6 +41147,9 @@ A: Because he left a residue at every pole. Q: Why did the programmer call his mother long distance? A: Because that was her name. % +Q: Why did the tachyon cross the road? +A: Because it was on the other side. +% Q: Why did the WASP cross the road? A: To get to the middle. % @@ -41541,9 +41159,18 @@ A: To stamp out forest fires. Q: Why do elephants have big flat feet? A: To stamp out flaming ducks. % +Q: Why do ducks have flat feet? +A: To stamp out forest fires. + +Q: Why do elephants have flat feet? +A: To stamp out flaming ducks. +% Q: Why do firemen wear red suspenders? A: To conform with departmental regulations concerning uniform dress. % +Q: Why do mountain climbers rope themselves together? +A: To prevent the sensible ones from going home. +% Q: Why do people who live near Niagara Falls have flat foreheads? A: Because every morning they wake up thinking "What *is* that noise? Oh, right, *of course*! @@ -41597,116 +41224,8 @@ A: 'Cause if you give him a bowl, he'll throw it away. Q: Why was Stonehenge abandoned? A: It wasn't IBM compatible. % -Q: Do you know what the death rate around here is? -A: One per person. -% -Q: How did you get into artificial intelligence? -A: Seemed logical -- I didn't have any real intelligence. -% -Q: How many DEC repairmen does it take to fix a flat? -A: Five; four to hold the car up and one to swap tires. - -Q: How long does it take? -A: It's indeterminate. It will depend upon how many flats they've - brought with them. - -Q: What happens if you've got TWO flats? -A: They replace your generator. -% -Q: How many existentialists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? -A: Two. One to screw it in and one to observe how the lightbulb - itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective - reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a - maudlin cosmos of nothingness. -% -Q: How many heterosexual males does it take to screw in a light bulb - in San Francisco? -A: Both of them. -% -Q: How many IBM CPUs does it take to do a logical right shift? -A: 33. 1 to hold the bits and 32 to push the register. -% -Q: How many IBM CPUs does it take to execute a job? -A: Four; three to hold it down, and one to rip its head off. -% -Q: How many IBM types does it take to change a light bulb? -A: 100. Ten to do it, and 90 to write document number GC7500439-0001, - Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility, of which 10% of - the pages state only "This page intentionally left blank", and 20% - of the definitions are of the form "A ...... consists of sequences - of non-blank characters separated by blanks". -% -Q: How many journalists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? -A: Three. One to report it as an inspired government program to bring - light to the people, one to report it as a diabolical government - plot to deprive the poor of darkness, and one to win a Pulitzer - prize for reporting that Electric Company hired a lightbulb - assassin to break the bulb in the first place. -% -Q: How many Martians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? -A: One and a half. -% -Q: How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? -A: One. He gives it to six Californians, thereby reducing the problem - to the earlier joke. -% -Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb? -A: Three. One to screw in the lightbulb and two to fend off all those - Californians trying to share the experience. -% -Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb? -A: Two. One to hold the giraffe and the other to fill the bathtub - with brightly colored machine tools. -% -Q: How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb? -A: None. The Universe spins the bulb, and the Zen master stays out - of the way. -% -Q: What's a light-year? -A: One-third less calories than a regular year. -% -Q: Why did the tachyon cross the road? -A: Because it was on the other side. -% -Q: Why do ducks have flat feet? -A: To stamp out forest fires. - -Q: Why do elephants have flat feet? -A: To stamp out flaming ducks. -% -Q: Why do mountain climbers rope themselves together? -A: To prevent the sensible ones from going home. -% -Q: Somebody just posted that Roman Polanski directed Star Wars. What - should I do? - -A: Post the correct answer at once! We can't have people go on - believing that! Very good of you to spot this. You'll probably be - the only one to make the correction, so post as soon as you can. No - time to lose, so certainly don't wait a day, or check to see if - somebody else has made the correction. - - And it's not good enough to send the message by mail. Since you're - the only one who really knows that it was Francis Coppola, you have - to inform the whole net right away! - - -- Brad Templeton, "Emily Postnews Answers Your - Questions on Netiquette" -% -Q: What do you get when you cross a mobster with an international standard? -A: You get someone who makes you an offer that you can't understand! -% -Q: What's the difference between USL and the Graf Zeppelin? -A: The Graf Zeppelin represented cutting edge technology for its time. -% -Q: What's the difference between USL and the Titanic? -A: The Titanic had a band. -% QED. % -QOTD: - "It's not the despair... I can stand the despair. It's the hope." -% QOTD: "A child of 5 could understand this! Fetch me a child of 5." % @@ -41734,6 +41253,10 @@ QOTD: "Every morning I read the obituaries; if my name's not there, I go to work." % +QOTD: + Everything I am today I owe to people, whom it is now + to late to punish. +% QOTD: Flash! Flash! I love you! ...but we only have fourteen hours to save the earth! @@ -41770,6 +41293,11 @@ QOTD: QOTD: "I haven't come far enough, and don't call me baby." % +QOTD: + I looked out my window, and saw Kyle Pettys' car upside down, + then I thought, "One of us is in real trouble." + -- Davey Allison, on a 150 m.p.h. crash +% QOTD: I love your outfit, does it come in your size? % @@ -41815,6 +41343,10 @@ QOTD: QOTD: "I used to jog, but the ice kept bouncing out of my glass." % +QOTD: + "I want a home, a family, an occasional spanking ..." + -- Kathy Ireland +% QOTD: "I won't say he's untruthful, but his wife has to call the dog for dinner." @@ -41872,6 +41404,9 @@ QOTD: "It was so cold last winter that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets." % +QOTD: + "It wouldn't have been anything, even if it were gonna be a thing." +% QOTD: "It's a cold bowl of chili, when love don't work out." % @@ -41891,6 +41426,9 @@ QOTD: QOTD: "It's men like him that give the Y chromosome a bad name." % +QOTD: + "It's not the despair... I can stand the despair. It's the hope." +% QOTD: "It's sort of a threat, you see. I've never been very good at them myself, but I'm told they can be very effective." @@ -41913,9 +41451,13 @@ QOTD: QOTD: "Just how much can I get away with and still go to heaven?" % +QOTD: + Lack of planning on your part doesn't constitute an emergency + on my part. +% QOTD: "Let's do it." - -- Gary Gilmore + -- Gary Gilmore, to his firing squad % QOTD: "Like this rose, our love will wilt and die." @@ -41952,12 +41494,18 @@ QOTD: QOTD: "Oh, no, no... I'm not beautiful. Just very, very pretty." % +QOTD: + On a scale of 1 to 10 I'd say... oh, somewhere in there. +% QOTD: "Our parents were never our age." % QOTD: "Overweight is when you step on your dog's tail and it dies." % +QOTD: + Sacred cows make great hamburgers. +% QOTD: "Say, you look pretty athletic. What say we put a pair of tennis shoes on you and run you into the wall?" @@ -41992,6 +41540,10 @@ QOTD: The forest may be quiet, but that doesn't mean the snakes have gone away. % +QOTD: + The only easy way to tell a hamster from a gerbil is that the + gerbil has more dark meat. +% QOTD: "There may be no excuse for laziness, but I'm sure looking." % @@ -42006,7 +41558,7 @@ QOTD: "Unlucky? If I bought a pumpkin farm, they'd cancel Halloween." % QOTD: - "What do you mean, you had the dog fixed? Just what made you + "What do you mean, you had the dog fixed? Just what made you think he was broken!" % QOTD: @@ -42034,39 +41586,6 @@ QOTD: QOTD: "You're so dumb you don't even have wisdom teeth." % -QOTD: -Everything I am today I owe to people, whom it is now -to late to punish. -% -QOTD: -I haven't come far enough and don't call me baby. -% -QOTD: -I looked out my window, and saw Kyle Pettys' car upside down, -then I thought, "One of us is in real trouble." - -- Davey Allison, on a 150 m.p.h. crash -% -QOTD: -"I want a home, a family, an occasional spanking ..." - -- Kathy Ireland -% -QOTD: -"It wouldn't have been anything, even if it were gonna be a thing." -% -QOTD: -Lack of planning on your part doesn't constitute an emergency -on my part. -% -QOTD: -On a scale of 1 to 10 I'd say... oh, somewhere in there. -% -QOTD: -Sacred cows make great hamburgers. -% -QOTD: -The only easy way to tell a hamster from a gerbil is that the -gerbil has more dark meat. -% Quack! Quack!! Quack!! % @@ -42145,7 +41664,7 @@ After what you all have done, I find being "inhuman" a compliment. % QUOTE OF THE DAY: - ` + ` % Qvid me anxivs svm? @@ -42297,9 +41816,6 @@ Real programmers don't bring brown-bag lunches. If the vending machine doesn't sell it, they don't eat it. Vending machines don't sell quiche. % -Real programmers don't comment their code. It was hard to write, it -should be hard to understand. -% Real programmers don't document; if it was hard to write, it should be hard to understand. % @@ -42420,7 +41936,7 @@ Reality must take precedence over public relations, for Mother Nature cannot be fooled. -- R. P. Feynman % -"Really ?? What a coincidence, I'm shallow too!!" +Really?? What a coincidence, I'm shallow too!! % Reappraisal, n: An abrupt change of mind after being found out. @@ -42428,10 +41944,6 @@ Reappraisal, n: Rebellion lay in his way, and he found it. -- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV" % -Receiving a million dollars tax free will make you feel better than being -flat broke and having a stomach ache. - -- Dolph Sharp -% Receiving a million dollars tax free will make you feel better than being flat broke and having a stomach ache. -- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot" @@ -42478,6 +41990,7 @@ Recipe for a Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster: (7) Sprinkle Zamphuor. (8) Add an olive. (9) Drink... but... very carefully... + -- Douglas Adams % Reclaimer, spare that tree! Take not a single bit! @@ -42586,7 +42099,7 @@ the first one. % "Remember, if it's being done correctly, here or abroad, it's *not* the U.S. Army doing it!" - -- Good Morning Vietnam + -- "Good Morning, Vietnam" % Remember kids, if there's a loaded gun in the room, be sure that you're the one holding it. @@ -42622,6 +42135,7 @@ That youth and observation copied there. Remember to say hello to your bank teller. % Remember, UNIX spelled backwards is XINU. + -- Mt. % Remember: use logout to logout. % @@ -42644,7 +42158,7 @@ Repartee is something we think of twenty-four hours too late. -- Mark Twain % Repel them. Repel them. Induce them to relinquish the spheroid. - -- Indiana University footbal cheer + -- Indiana University football cheer % Reply hazy, ask again later. % @@ -42764,9 +42278,9 @@ Review Questions Revolution, n: A form of government abroad. % -Revolution, n: +Revolution, n.: In politics, an abrupt change in the form of misgovernment. - -- Ambrose Bierce + -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" % revolutionary, adj: Repackaged. @@ -42791,7 +42305,7 @@ Richard Nixon was the most dishonest individual I have ever met in my life. He lied to his wife, his family, his friends, his colleagues in the Congress, lifetime members of his own political party, the American people, and the world. - -- Senator Barry Goldwater + -- Barry Goldwater % Riches cover a multitude of woes. -- Menander @@ -42890,10 +42404,6 @@ Rudin's Law: If there is a wrong way to do something, most people will do it every time. % -Rudin's Law: - If there is a wrong way to do something, most people will do it -every time. - Rudin's Second Law: In a crisis that forces a choice to be made among alternative courses of action, people tend to choose the worst possible course. @@ -43080,7 +42590,7 @@ got started one night when George came home and found one burning in the ashtray." % Sailing is fun, but scrubbing the decks is aardvark. - -- Heard on Noahs' ark + -- Heard on Noah's ark % Sailors in ships, sail on! Even while we died, others rode out the storm. @@ -43175,7 +42685,7 @@ San Francisco has always been my favorite booing city. I don't mean the people boo louder or longer, but there is a very special intimacy. When they boo you, you know they mean *you*. Music, that's what it is to me. One time in Kezar Stadium they gave me a standing boo. - -- George Halas, professional footbal coach + -- George Halas, professional football coach % San Francisco isn't what it used to be, and it never was. -- Herb Caen @@ -43402,7 +42912,7 @@ is a house. Science is facts; just as houses are made of stones, so is science made of facts; but a pile of stones is not a house and a collection of facts is not necessarily science. - -- Henri Poincar'e + -- Jules Henri Poincar'e % Science is to computer science as hydrodynamics is to plumbing. % @@ -43515,7 +43025,7 @@ SCRIBLINE: % Scrubbing floors and emptying bedpans has as much dignity as the Presidency. - -- Richard M. Nixon + -- Richard Nixon % 'Scuse me, while I kiss the sky! -- Robert James Marshall (Jimi) Hendrix @@ -43681,9 +43191,6 @@ Joy. But she sidestepped, and they missed. Seize the day, put no trust in the morrow! -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace) % -Seleznick's Theory of Holistic Medicine: - Ice Cream cures all ills. -% Seleznick's Theory of Holistic Medicine: Ice Cream cures all ills. Temporarily. % @@ -43712,7 +43219,7 @@ Frank Zappa: "I would say that a buzz saw blade between the guy's Senate, n.: A body of elderly gentlemen charged with high duties and misdemeanors. - -- Ambrose Bierce + -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" % Send some filthy mail. % @@ -43744,7 +43251,7 @@ Serfs up! Serocki's Stricture: Marriage is always a bachelor's last option. % -Serving coffee on aircraft causes turbulence. +Serving coffee on an aircraft causes turbulence. % Set the cart before the horse. -- John Heywood @@ -43981,7 +43488,7 @@ Shedenhelm's Law: All trails have more uphill sections than they have downhill sections. % -"Shelter", what a nice name for for a place where you polish your cat. +"Shelter", what a nice name for a place where you polish your cat. % Sheriff Chameleotoptor sighed with an air of weary sadness, and then turned to Doppelgutt and said 'The Senator must really have been on a @@ -44056,9 +43563,6 @@ Show me a good sportsman and I'll show you a player I'm looking to trade. Show me a man who is a good loser and I'll show you a man who is playing golf with his boss. % -Show me a man who is a good loser and I'll -show you a man who playing golf with his boss. -% Show respect for age. Drink good Scotch for a change. % Show your affection, which will probably meet with pleasant response. @@ -44111,7 +43615,7 @@ a walk would help, she put the baby in his carriage. Silly Sally pushed the carriage and pushed the carriage up this hill and down that one. She pushed the carriage up the highest hill in town, and ALL OF A SUDDEN! It slipped out of her hands (OH! NO!) and it was headed at high speed for the busiest -intersection in town. BUT! +intersection in town. BUT! Silly Sally just laughed and la.....ug.......h....e....d........... BECAUSE! SHE KNEW THERE WAS A STOP SIGN AT THE BOTTOM OF THE HILL! @@ -44269,7 +43773,7 @@ Slous' Contention: Slow day. Practice crawling. % -Slowly and surely the unix crept up on the Nintendo user ... +Slowly and surely the Unix crept up on the Nintendo user ... % SLURM: The slime that accumulates on the underside of a soap bar when it @@ -44317,18 +43821,12 @@ Smoking Prohibited. Absolutely no ifs, ands, or butts. Smuggling... It's not just a job, it's an adventure! -- paid for by your local Colombian recruiting office % -SNACKTREK: +Snacktrek, n.: The peculiar habit, when searching for a snack, of constantly returning to the refrigerator in hopes that something new will have materialized. -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets" % -Snacktrek, n.: - The peculiar habit, when searching for a snack, of constantly -returning to the refrigerator in hopes that something new will have -materialized. - -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" -% Snakes. Why did it have to be snakes? % SNAPPY REPARTEE: @@ -44385,10 +43883,10 @@ way, to do evil than to do nothing: at least we exist. -- T. S. Eliot, essay on Baudelaire % So from the depths of its enchantment, Terra was able to calculate a course -of action. Here at last was an opportunity to consort with Durbanu on a -friendly basis -- great Durbanu which, since it had force fields which Earth +of action. Here at last was an opportunity to consort with Dirbanu on a +friendly basis -- great Dirbanu which, since it had force fields which Earth could not duplicate, must of necessity have many other things Earth could -use; mighty Durbanu before whom we would kneel in supplication (with purely- +use; mighty Dirbanu before whom we would kneel in supplication (with purely- for-defense bombs hidden in our pockets) with lowered heads (making invisible the knife in our teeth) and ask for crumbs from their table (in order to extrapolate the location of their kitchens). @@ -44707,7 +44205,7 @@ Some parts of the past must be preserved, and some of the future prevented at all costs. % Some people are afraid of heights. I'm afraid of widths. - -- Stephen Wright + -- Steven Wright % Some people are born mediocre, some people achieve mediocrity, and some people have mediocrity thrust upon them. @@ -44783,9 +44281,6 @@ And that is why your Cousin May Fell through the parlor floor today. -- Ogden Nash % -Some programming languages manage to absorb change but withstand -progress. -% Some programming languages manage to absorb change, but withstand progress. -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 @@ -44870,8 +44365,6 @@ Bloomingdale's?" And three is, "Don't worry. It's just a flesh wound." -- David Letterman % Someone is speaking well of you. -% -Someone is speaking well of you. How unusual! % Someone is unenthusiastic about your work. @@ -45011,7 +44504,7 @@ Somewhere, something incredible is waiting to be known. Son, someday a man is going to walk up to you with a deck of cards on which the seal is not yet broken. And he is going to offer to bet you that he can make the Ace of Spades jump out of the deck and squirt cider in your ears. -But son, do not bet this man, for you will end up with a ear full of cider. +But son, do not bet this man, for you will end up with an ear full of cider. -- Sky Masterson's Father % Song Title of the Week: @@ -45021,9 +44514,6 @@ in me." Sooner or later you must pay for your sins. (Those who have already paid may disregard this fortune). % -Sooner or later you must pay for your sins. -(Those who have already paid may disregard this cookie). -% Sorry. I forget what I was going to say. % Sorry. Nice try. @@ -45183,18 +44673,14 @@ SPINSTER: % Spirtle, n.: The fine stream from a grapefruit that always lands right in -your eye. - -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" + your eye. + -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets" % Spock: The odds of surviving another attack are 13562190123 to 1, Captain. % Spock: We suffered 23 casualties in that attack, Captain. % -SPOUSE: - Someone who'll stand by you through all the - trouble you wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single. -% Spouse, n.: Someone who'll stand by you through all the trouble you wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single. @@ -45202,7 +44688,7 @@ wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single. Spring is here, spring is here, Life is skittles and life is beer. % -SQUATCHO: +Squatcho, n.: The button at the top of a baseball cap. -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets" % @@ -45291,7 +44777,7 @@ WHERE THE SMART NY WORK FORCE LIVES THE MOST OFTEN MISSPELLED STATE TEXAS FLORIDA 1-2-3 HIKE ZON KED - PLAY FOOTBALL OR DIE AMERICA'S DRUG DEALER +PLAY FOOTBALL OR DIE AMERICA'S DRUG DEALER % State license plates we'd like to see: @@ -45355,8 +44841,6 @@ Stealing a rhinoceros should not be attempted lightly. % Steckel's Rule to Success: Good enough is never good enough. - Everybody should believe in something -- - I believe I'll have another drink. % Steele's Plagiarism of Somebody's Philosophy: Everybody should believe in something -- I believe I'll have @@ -45458,7 +44942,7 @@ and have a nice day. Stuckness shouldn't be avoided. It's the psychic predecessor of all real understanding. An egoless acceptance of stuckness is a key to an understanding of all Quality, in mechanical work as in other endeavors. - -- R. Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance" + -- Robert Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance" % Stult's Report: Our problems are mostly behind us. What we have to do now is @@ -45635,6 +45119,8 @@ in your name and social security number. Please remember that leaving the room is punishable under law: Name # + + % Surprise due today. Also the rent. % @@ -45789,7 +45275,7 @@ T: One big monster, he called TROLL. -- The Roguelet's ABC % TACKY: - Serving grape kool-aid at religious functions. + Serving grape Kool-Aid at religious functions. % Tact consists in knowing how far to go in going too far. -- Jean Cocteau @@ -45926,10 +45412,6 @@ Tax reform means "Don't tax you, don't tax me, tax that fellow behind the tree." -- Russell Long % -TAXES: - Of life's two certainties, - the only one for which you can get an extension. -% Taxes are going up so fast, the government is likely to price itself out of the market. % @@ -45948,9 +45430,6 @@ of our community as the Galapagos of the English language. "Vogons may read you bad poetry, but bogons make you study obsolete RFCs." -- Dave Mills % -Teach children to be polite and courteous in the home, and, when they -grow up, they will never be able to edge a car onto a freeway. -% Teach children to be polite and courteous in the home, and, when they grow up, they won't be able to edge a car onto a freeway. % @@ -45961,14 +45440,14 @@ TEAMWORK: % Teamwork is essential -- it allows you to blame someone else. % -Technicality, n. In an English court a man named Home was tried for -slander in having accused a neighbor of murder. His exact words were: -"Sir Thomas Holt hath taken a cleaver and stricken his cook upon the -head, so that one side of his head fell on one shoulder and the other -side upon the other shoulder." The defendant was acquitted by -instruction of the court, the learned judges holding that the words did -not charge murder, for they did not affirm the death of the cook, that -being only an inference. +Technicality, n.: + In an English court a man named Home was tried for slander in having +accused a neighbor of murder. His exact words were: "Sir Thomas Holt hath +taken a cleaver and stricken his cook upon the head, so that one side of his +head fell on one shoulder and the other side upon the other shoulder." The +defendant was acquitted by instruction of the court, the learned judges +holding that the words did not charge murder, for they did not affirm the +death of the cook, that being only an inference. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" % "Technique?" said the programmer turning from his terminal, "What I follow @@ -46001,9 +45480,9 @@ already know, your fingers could walk themselves to death. Telephone, n.: An invention of the devil which abrogates some of the advantages of making a disagreeable person keep his distance. - -- Ambrose Bierce + -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" % -TELEPRESSION: +Telepression, n.: The deep-seated guilt which stems from knowing that you did not try hard enough to look up the number on your own and instead put the burden on the directory assistant. @@ -46090,7 +45569,7 @@ Ten years of rejection slips is nature's way of telling you to stop writing. -- R. Geis % -"Terence, this is stupid stuff: +Terence, this is stupid stuff: You eat your victuals fast enough; There can't be much amiss, 'tis clear, To see the rate you drink your beer. @@ -46103,7 +45582,7 @@ To hear such tunes as killed the cow. Pretty friendship 'tis to rhyme Your friends to death before their time. Moping, melancholy mad: -Come, pipe a tune to dance to, lad." +Come, pipe a tune to dance to, lad. -- A. E. Housman % Term, holidays, term, holidays, till we leave @@ -46180,7 +45659,7 @@ Thank you for observing all safety precautions. That all men should be brothers is the dream of people who have no brothers. -- Charles Chincholles, "Pensees de tout le monde" % -"That boy's about as sharp as a pound of wet liver" +That boy's about as sharp as a pound of wet liver. -- Foghorn Leghorn % That does not compute. @@ -46202,8 +45681,6 @@ I heard it once, It said "Good-bye. -- Richard Armour % -"That must be wonderful! I don't understand it at all." -% That must be wonderful: I don't understand it at all. -- Moliere % @@ -46213,8 +45690,6 @@ That segment of the community with which one has the greatest sympathy as a liberal, inevitably turns out to be one of the most narrow-minded and bigoted segments of the community. % -That that is is that that is not is not. -% That, that is, is. That, that is not, is not. That, that is, is not that, that is not. @@ -46373,7 +45848,7 @@ Film at 11:00. % The American nation in the sixth ward is a fine people; they love the eagle -- on the back of a dollar. - -- Finlay Peter Dunne + -- Finley Peter Dunne % The American system of ours, call it Americanism, call it Capitalism, call it what you like, gives each and every one of us a great @@ -46556,20 +46031,6 @@ The red ink was a sight of great awe! Their figures and mine might have balanced, But my wife was too quick on the draw. % -The basic idea behind malls is that they are more convenient than cities. -Cities contain streets, which are dangerous and crowded and difficult to -park in. Malls, on the other hand, have parking lots, which are also -dangerous and crowded and difficult to park in, but -- here is the big -difference -- in mall parking lots, THERE ARE NO RULES. You're allowed to -do anything. You can drive as fast as you want in any direction you want. -I was once driving in a mall parking lot when my car was struck by a pickup -truck being driven backward by a squat man with a tattoo that said "Charlie" -on his forearm, who got out and explained to me, in great detail, why the -accident was my fault, his reasoning being that he was violent and muscular, -whereas I was neither. This kind of reasoning is legally valid in mall -parking lots. - -- Dave Barry -% The basic idea behind malls is that they are more convenient than cities. Cities contain streets, which are dangerous and crowded and difficult to park in. Malls, on the other hand, have parking lots, @@ -46630,7 +46091,6 @@ Pretty good case: Get salary from England, build a house in America, live with a Chinese wife, and eat Japanese food. The worst case: Get salary from China, build a house in Japan, live with a British wife, and eat American food. - -- Bungei Shunju, a popular Japanese magazine % The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep. @@ -46834,9 +46294,6 @@ Eating peanuts by the peck. His father called him, but he could not go, For he loved those peanuts so. % -The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up -in the morning, and does not stop until you get to school. -% The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning, and does not stop until you get to work. % @@ -46940,10 +46397,10 @@ at the steam fitters' picnic. The chief cause of problems is solutions. -- Eric Sevareid % -The chief danger in life is that you may take too may precautions. +The chief danger in life is that you may take too many precautions. -- Alfred Adler % -The chief enemy of creativity is "good" sense +The chief enemy of creativity is "good" sense. -- Picasso % The church is near but the road is icy; the bar is far away but I will @@ -46973,9 +46430,6 @@ who could only plead the merits of abstinence and chastity. "The climate of Bombay is such that its inhabitants have to live elsewhere." % -The closest to perfection a person ever comes is when they fill out a -job application. -% The closest to perfection a person ever comes is when he fills out a job application form. -- Stanley J. Randall @@ -47128,8 +46582,7 @@ eat. % The Creation of the Universe was made possible by a grant from Texas Instruments. - -- Credits from the PBS program `The Creation of the Universe' - + -- Credits from the PBS program "The Creation of the Universe" % The Crown is full of it! -- Nate Harris, 1775 @@ -47168,7 +46621,7 @@ years arguing the Monty Hall and the three doors problem. % The day advanced as if to light some work of mine; it was morning, and lo! now it is evening, and nothing memorable is accomplished. - -- H. D. Thoreau + -- Henry David Thoreau % The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life. % @@ -47283,8 +46736,7 @@ is that reality has so little to recommend it. -- Allan Sherman % The difference between science and the fuzzy subjects is that science -requires reasoning while those other subjects merely require -scholarship. +requires reasoning while those other subjects merely require scholarship. -- Robert A. Heinlein % The difference between sentiment and being sentimental is the following: @@ -47389,22 +46841,22 @@ The earth is like a tiny grain of sand, only much, much heavier. The easiest way to figure the cost of living is to take your income and add ten percent. % -"The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly -teaches me to suspect that my own is also." +The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly +teaches me to suspect that my own is also. -"I would not interfere with any one's religion, either to strengthen it +I would not interfere with any one's religion, either to strengthen it or to weaken it. I am not able to believe one's religion can affect his hereafter one way or the other, no matter what that religion may be. But it may easily be a great comfort to him in this life -- hence it is a -valuable possession to him." +valuable possession to him. -"I do not see how eternal punishment hereafter could accomplish any good +I do not see how eternal punishment hereafter could accomplish any good end, therefore I am not able to believe in it. To chasten a man in order to perfect him might be reasonable enough; to annihilate him when he shall have proved himself incapable of reaching perfection might be reasonable enough; but to roast him forever for the mere satisfaction of seeing him roast would not be reasonable -- even the atrocious God imagined by the Jews -would tire of the spectacle eventually." +would tire of the spectacle eventually. -- Mark Twain % The economy depends about as much on economists as the weather does on @@ -47424,7 +46876,7 @@ Compute' -- I forget which." The Encyclopaedia Galactica defines a robot as a mechanical apparatus designed to do the work of a man. The marketing division of Sirius Cybernetics Corporation defines a robot as "Your Plastic Pal Who's Fun To Be With". -The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy defines the marketing division of the +The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy defines the marketing division of the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation as "a bunch of mindless jerks who'll be the first against the wall when the revolution comes", with a footnote to effect that the editors would welcome applications from anyone interested in taking @@ -47447,9 +46899,6 @@ civilization. The end of the world will occur at 3:00 p.m., this Friday, with symposium to follow. % -The end of the world will occur at three p.m., this Friday, -with symposium to follow. -% The ends justify the means. -- after Matthew Prior % @@ -47457,7 +46906,7 @@ The energy produced by the breaking down of the atom is a very poor kind of thing. Anyone who expects a source of power from the transformation of these atoms is talking moonshine. -- Ernest Rutherford, after he had split the atom for - the first time + the first time % The English country gentleman galloping after a fox -- the unspeakable in full pursuit of the uneatable. @@ -47631,9 +47080,9 @@ husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become lesbians." % The Feynman Problem-Solving Algorithm: - (1) write down the problem. - (2) think very hard. - (3) write down the answer. + (1) write down the problem. + (2) think very hard. + (3) write down the answer. -- Murray Gell-Mann % The Fifth Rule: @@ -47704,8 +47153,6 @@ by our children. The first marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence, and the second the triumph of hope over experience. % -The first myth of management is that it exists. -% The first myth of management is that it exists. The second myth of management is that success equals skill. -- Robert Heller @@ -47735,14 +47182,11 @@ hard." The first Rotarian was the first man to call John the Baptist "Jack." -- H. L. Mencken % -The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts. - -- Ehrlich -% The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts. -- Paul Erlich % -"The first rule of magic is simple. Don't waste your time waving your -hands and hoping when a rock or a club will do." +The first rule of magic is simple. Don't waste your time waving your +hands and hoping when a rock or a club will do. -- McCloctnik the Lucid % The First Rule of Program Optimization: @@ -47779,7 +47223,7 @@ The five rules of Socialism: ...the flaw that makes perfection perfect. % The flow chart is a most thoroughly oversold piece of program documentation. - -- Frederick Brooks Jr., "The Mythical Man Month" + -- Frederick Brooks Jr., "The Mythical Man-Month" % The flush toilet is the basis of Western civilization. -- Alan Coult @@ -47941,7 +47385,7 @@ man in the bonds of Hell." % The good die young -- because they see it's no use living if you've got to be good. - John Barrymore + -- John Barrymore % The good (I am convinced, for one) Is but the bad one leaves undone. @@ -48114,8 +47558,7 @@ The Great Movie Posters: HOT STEEL BETWEEN THEIR LEGS! -- The Cycle Savages (1969) -The Hand that Rocks the Cradle... Has no Flesh on It! - +The Hand that Rocks the Cradle... Has no Flesh on It! -- Who Slew Auntie Roo? (1971) TWO GREAT BLOOD HORRORS TO RIP OUT YOUR GUTS! @@ -48159,7 +47602,7 @@ MEETS HARRU IN SAN DIEGO!... FIRST -- HARLOW! THEN -- MONROE! NOW -- McCLANAHAN!!! - -- The Rotton Apple (1963), Rue McClanahan + -- The Rotten Apple (1963), Rue McClanahan *NOT FOR SISSIES! DON'T COME IF YOU'RE CHICKEN! A Horrifying Movie of Weird Beauties and Shocking Monsters... @@ -48324,7 +47767,7 @@ The greatest joy a man can know is to conquer his enemies and drive them before him. To ride their horses and take away their possessions. To see the faces of those who were dear to them bedewed with tears, and to clasp their wives and daughters to his arms. - -- Genghis Khan + -- Chinggis (Genghis) Khan % The greatest love is a mother's, then a dog's, then a sweetheart's. -- Polish proverb @@ -48355,9 +47798,6 @@ The groundhog is like most other prophets; it delivers its message and then disappears. % The happiest time in any man's life is just after the first divorce. - -- Galbraith -% -The happiest time of a person's life is after his first divorce. -- J. K. Galbraith % The hardest part of climbing the ladder of @@ -48428,7 +47868,7 @@ Sophistication, otherwise known as the How, Why, and Where phases. For instance, the first phase is characterized by the question "How can we eat?" the second by "Why do we eat?" and the third by "Where shall we have lunch?". - -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" + -- Douglas Adams, "The Restaurant at the End of the Universe" % The history of warfare is similarly subdivided, although here the phases are Retribution, Anticipation, and Diplomacy. Thus: @@ -48555,10 +47995,6 @@ has. Even when you make a tax form out on the level, you don't know when it's through if you are a crook or a martyr. -- Will Rogers % -The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than -golf has. - -- The Best of Will Rogers -% The individual choice of garnishment of a burger can be an important point to the consumer in this day when individualism is an increasingly important thing to people. @@ -48671,8 +48107,7 @@ A: "Those are their guys. And all those little red specks running the dust clears." K: "And?" A: "If there are more red specks left than black specks, we win." -K: "But what about the -^#!!$% battle plan?" +K: "But what about the ^#!!$% battle plan?" A: "So far, it seems to be going according to specks." % The knowledge that makes us cherish @@ -48708,10 +48143,6 @@ Cuomo is poetry. Dukakis is a word processor. The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong -- until the next person quits or is fired. % -The last person that quit or was fired will be the held responsible -for everything that goes wrong -- until the next person quits or is -fired. -% The last person who said that (God rest his soul) lived to regret it. % The last thing one knows in constructing a work is what to put first. @@ -48860,7 +48291,8 @@ The less time planning, the more time programming. % THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #14 -- VALGOL - VALGOL is enjoying a dramatic surge of popularity across the + From its modest beginnings in Southern California's San Fernando +Valley VALGOL is enjoying a dramatic surge of popularity across the industry. VALGOL commands include REALLY, LIKE, WELL, and Y*KNOW. Variables are assigned with the =LIKE and =TOTALLY operators. Other operators include the "California booleans", AX and NOWAY. Loops are @@ -48948,10 +48380,6 @@ The longest part of the journey is said to be the passing of the gate. we could with both of them." -- Joseph Heller, "Catch-22" % -The Lord gave us farmers two strong hands so we -could grab as much as we could with both of them. - -- Major Major's father -% The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away. Indian Giver be the name of the Lord. % @@ -48993,7 +48421,7 @@ bonds will eventually mature. The major sin is the sin of being born. -- Samuel Beckett % -The majority of husbands remind me of an orangutang trying to play +The majority of husbands remind me of an orangutan trying to play the violin. -- Honore de Balzac % @@ -49083,13 +48511,13 @@ while the mark of a mature man is that he wants to live humbly for one. The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the master calls a butterfly. - -- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul + -- Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul % The marriage of Marxism and feminism has been like the marriage of husband and wife depicted in English common law: Marxism and feminism -are one, and that one is marxism. +are one, and that one is Marxism. -- Heidi Hartmann, - "The Unhappy Marriage of Marxism and Feminism" + "The Unhappy Marriage of Marxism and Feminism" % The Martian Canals were clearly the Martian's last ditch effort! % @@ -49205,10 +48633,6 @@ The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get. % The more data I punch in this card, the lighter it becomes, and the lower the mailing cost. - -- S. Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary" -% -"The more data I punch in this card, the lighter it becomes, and the -lower the mailing cost." -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary" % The more he talked of his honor the faster we counted our spoons. @@ -49217,7 +48641,7 @@ The more he talked of his honor the faster we counted our spoons. The more I know men the more I like my horse. % The more I see of men the more I admire dogs. - -- Mme De Sevigne, 1626-1696 + -- Mme De Sevigne (1626-1696) % The more I want to get something done, the less I call it work. -- Richard Bach, "Illusions" @@ -49293,14 +48717,10 @@ the country is the one on which you resell it. The most difficult thing about surviving AIDS is trying to convince your parents that you're Haitian. % -"The most difficult thing in the world is to know how to do a thing and -to watch someone else do it wrong without comment." +The most difficult thing in the world is to know how to do a thing and +to watch someone else do it wrong without comment. -- Theodore H. White % -The most difficult thing in the world is to know how to do a -thing and to watch someone else doing it wrong, without commenting. - -- T. H. White -% The most difficult years of marriage are those following the wedding. % The most disagreeable thing that your worst enemy says to your face does @@ -49420,9 +48840,9 @@ The naked truth of it is, I have no shirt. The nation that controls magnetism controls the universe. -- Chester Gould/Dick Tracy % -"The National Association of Theater Concessionaires reported that in -1986, 60% of all candy sold in movie theaters was sold to Roger Ebert." - -- D. Letterman +The National Association of Theater Concessionaires reported that in +1986, 60% of all candy sold in movie theaters was sold to Roger Ebert. + -- David Letterman % The National Short-Sleeved Shirt Association says: Support your right to bare arms! @@ -49459,11 +48879,11 @@ in the form of an affirmation of the binary number system. whatsoever is more than these cometh of evil. -- Matthew 5:37 % -"The New York Times is read by the people who run the country. The +The New York Times is read by the people who run the country. The Washington Post is read by the people who think they run the country. The National Enquirer is read by the people who think Elvis is alive -and running the country ..." - -- Robert J Woodhead +and running the country ... + -- Robert J. Woodhead % The next person to mention spaghetti stacks to me is going to have his head knocked off. @@ -49523,7 +48943,7 @@ The number of UNIX installations has grown to 10, with more expected. -- The Unix Programmer's Manual, 2nd Edition, June 1972 % The NY Times is read by the people who run the country. The Washington Post -is read by the people who think they run the country. The National Enquirer +is read by the people who think they run the country. The National Enquirer is read by the people who think Elvis is alive and running the country. -- Robert Woodhead % @@ -49673,17 +49093,12 @@ The only people who make love all the time are liars. % The only perfect science is hind-sight. % -The only person to get all of his work done by Friday was Robinson Crusoe. -% The only person who always got his work done by Friday was Robinson Crusoe. % The only possible interpretation of any research whatever in the -`social sciences' is: some do, some don't. +"social sciences" is: some do, some don't. -- Ernest Rutherford % -The only possible interpretation of any research -whatever in the "social sciences" is: some do, some don't. -% The only problem with being a man of leisure is that you can never stop and take a rest. % @@ -49708,9 +49123,6 @@ for getting acquainted. -- Heywood Broun % The only real way to look younger is not to be born so soon. - -- C. Schultz -% -"The only real way to look younger is not to be born so soon." -- Charles Schulz, "Things I've Had to Learn Over and Over and Over" % @@ -49754,7 +49166,7 @@ the lessons that history has to teach. -- Aldous Huxley We learn from history that we do not learn from history. - -- Georg Hegel + -- Georg Wilhelm Friedrich Hegel HISTORY: Papa Hegel he say that all we learn from history is that we learn nothing from history. I know people who can't even learn from what happened @@ -49762,11 +49174,11 @@ this morning. Hegel must have been taking the long view. -- Chad C. Mulligan, "The Hipcrime Vocab" % The only thing we learn from history is that we learn nothing from -history." - -- Friedrich Hegel +history. + -- Georg Wilhelm Friedrich Hegel -"I know guys can't learn from yesterday ... Hegel must be taking the -long view." +I know guys can't learn from yesterday ... Hegel must be taking the +long view. -- John Brunner, "Stand on Zanzibar" % The only thing which separates man from child is all the values @@ -49786,7 +49198,7 @@ is to slip and fall on an icy pavement. The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it. -- Oscar Wilde % -The only way to keep you health is to eat what you don't want, +The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not. -- Mark Twain % @@ -50336,9 +49748,9 @@ infinite wisdom has given control of property interests of the country, and upon the successful management of which so much remains. -- George F. Baer, railroad industrialist % -"The rights you have are the rights given you by this Committee [the +The rights you have are the rights given you by this Committee [the House Un-American Activities Committee]. We will determine what rights -you have and what rights you have not got." +you have and what rights you have not got. -- J. Parnell Thomas % The ripest fruit falls first. @@ -50419,8 +49831,8 @@ The savior becomes the victim. % The scene: in a vast, painted desert, a cowboy faces his horse. -Cowboy: "Well, you've been a pretty good hoss, I guess. Hardworkin'. - Not the fastest critter I ever come acrost, but..." +Cowboy: "Well, you've been a pretty good hoss, I guess. Hardworkin'. +Not the fastest critter I ever come acrost, but..." Horse: "No, stupid, not feed*back*. I said I wanted a feed*bag*. % @@ -50511,7 +49923,7 @@ voice, sweet speech, wisdom, needlework, and chastity. % The Sixth Commandment of Frisbee: The greatest single aid to distance is for the disc to be going -in a direction you did not want. (Goes the wrong way = Goes a long +in a direction you did not want. (Goes the wrong way = Goes a long way.) -- Dan Roddick % @@ -50603,9 +50015,7 @@ sir, I know the answer is Jesus, but it sure sounds like a squirrel to me." money." -- Ed Bluestone, "The National Lampoon" % -The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up. -% -"The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up!" +The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up! % The sooner you make your first 5000 mistakes, the sooner you will be able to correct them. @@ -50664,7 +50074,7 @@ the scientific world by storm. So many mathematical conferences got held in such good restaurants that many of the finest minds of a generation died of obesity and heart failure, and the science of mathematics was put back by years. - -- Douglas Adams + -- Douglas Adams, "Life, The Universe and Everything" % The state law of Pennsylvania prohibits singing in the bathtub. % @@ -50704,8 +50114,6 @@ them unsafe. The streets were dark with something more than night. -- Raymond Chandler % -The strong give up and move away, while the weak give up and stay. -% The strong give up and move on, while the weak give up and stay. % The strong individual loves the earth so much he lusts for recurrence. He @@ -50827,26 +50235,6 @@ The telephone is a good way to talk to people without having to offer them a drink. -- Fran Lebowitz, "Interview" % -The temperature of Heaven can be rather accurately computed. Our -authority is Isaiah 30:26, "Moreover, the light of the Moon shall be as -the light of the Sun and the light of the Sun shall be sevenfold, as -the light of seven days." Thus Heaven receives from the Moon as much -radiation as we do from the Sun, and in addition 7*7 (49) times as much -as the Earth does from the Sun, or 50 times in all. The light we -receive from the Moon is one 1/10,000 of the light we receive from the -Sun, so we can ignore that ... The radiation falling on Heaven will -heat it to the point where the heat lost by radiation is just equal to -the heat received by radiation, i.e., Heaven loses 50 times as much -heat as the Earth by radiation. Using the Stefan-Boltzmann law for -radiation, (_H/_E)^4 = 50, where _E is the absolute temperature of the -earth (~300K), gives _H as 798K (525C). The exact temperature of Hell -cannot be computed ... [However] Revelations 21:8 says "But the -fearful, and unbelieving ... shall have their part in the lake which -burneth with fire and brimstone." A lake of molten brimstone means -that its temperature must be at or below the boiling point, 444.6C. We -have, then, that Heaven, at 525C is hotter than Hell at 445C. - -- From "Applied Optics" vol. 11, A14, 1972 -% The temperature of Heaven can be rather accurately computed from available data. Our authority is Isaiah 30:26, "Moreover, the light of the Moon shall be as the light of the Sun and the light of the Sun shall be sevenfold, @@ -50944,13 +50332,6 @@ The three laws of thermodynamics: (2) The most you can accomplish by working is to break even. (3) You can only break even at absolute zero. % -The Three Laws of Thermodynamics: - -The First Law: You can't get anything without working for it. -The Second Law: The most you can accomplish by working is to break - even. -The Third Law: You can only break even at absolute zero. -% THE THREE MOST COMMONLY-ASKED QUESTIONS AT DISNEYLAND: 1) Where's the bathroom? @@ -51147,7 +50528,7 @@ imprecisely few to warrant out certitude. % The United States also has its native Fascists who say that they are "100 percent American"... - -- U. S. Army (1945) + -- U.S. Army (1945) % The United States is like the guy at the party who gives cocaine to everybody and still nobody likes him. @@ -51399,7 +50780,7 @@ The world is not octal despite DEC. The world is your exercise-book, the pages on which you do your sums. It is not reality, although you can express reality there if you wish. You are also free to write nonsense, or lies, or to tear the pages. - -- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul + -- Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul % The world needs more people like us and fewer like them. % @@ -51481,7 +50862,7 @@ round in the worst cars available," he said. Of course they do. admit it, I tell him, `Forget it'. If they bring a car back late we overlook it. If they've had a crash and it doesn't involve another vehicle we might overlook that too." - "Where's the ashtray?" asked on Los Angeles wife, as she settled + "Where's the ashtray?" asked one Los Angeles wife, as she settled into the ripped interior. "Honey," said her husband, "the whole car's the ash tray." -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" @@ -51684,8 +51065,8 @@ right. % Then there was the Formosan bartender named Taiwan-On. % -Then there was the ScoutMaster who got a fantastic deal on this case of -Tates brand compasses for his troup; only $1.25 each! Only problem was, +Then there was the Scoutmaster who got a fantastic deal on this case of +Tates brand compasses for his troop; only $1.25 each! Only problem was, when they got them out in the woods, the compasses were all stuck pointing to the "W" on the dial. @@ -51917,10 +51298,10 @@ vagina, and all other occupations should be open to everyone. There are running jobs. Why don't you go chase them? % -"There are some micro-organisms that exhibit characteristics of both +There are some micro-organisms that exhibit characteristics of both plants and animals. When exposed to light they undergo photosynthesis; and when the lights go out, they turn into animals. But then again, -don't we all?" +don't we all? % There are strange things done in the midnight sun By the men who moil for gold; @@ -51949,14 +51330,9 @@ There are three kinds of lies: Lies, Damned Lies, and Statistics. % There are three kinds of people: men, women, and unix. % -"There are three possibilities: Pioneer's solar panel has turned away +There are three possibilities: Pioneer's solar panel has turned away from the sun; there's a large meteor blocking transmission; or someone -loaded Star Trek 3.2 into our video processor." -% -There are three possibilities: -Pioneer's solar panel has turned away from the sun; -there's a large meteor blocking transmission; -someone loaded Star Trek 3.2 into our video processor. +loaded Star Trek 3.2 into our video processor. % There are three possible parts to a date, of which at least two must be offered: entertainment, food, and affection. It is customary to begin @@ -51967,9 +51343,9 @@ When the affection IS the entertainment, we no longer call it dating. Under no circumstances can the food be omitted. -- Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior % -"There are three principal ways to lose money: wine, women, and +There are three principal ways to lose money: wine, women, and engineers. While the first two are more pleasant, the third is by far -the more certain." +the more certain. -- Baron Rothschild, ca. 1800 % There are three reasons for becoming a writer: the first is that you need @@ -51980,7 +51356,7 @@ long winter evenings. % There are three rules for writing a novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are. - -- Maugham + -- W. Somerset Maugham % There are three schools of magic. One: State a tautology, then ring the changes on its corollaries; that's philosophy. Two: Record many @@ -52033,7 +51409,7 @@ I have *never* heard them sound better. They are *wailing* up here." "The bad news is that God has this girlfriend that sings..." % There are two kinds of fool. One says, "This is old, and therefore good." -And one says, "This is new, and therefore better" +And one says, "This is new, and therefore better." -- John Brunner, "The Shockwave Rider" % There are two kinds of pedestrians... the quick and the dead. @@ -52058,10 +51434,10 @@ There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more. -- Woody Allen % -"There are two ways of constructing a software design: One way is to +There are two ways of constructing a software design: One way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious -deficiencies." +deficiencies. -- C. A. R. Hoare % There are two ways of disliking art. @@ -52271,13 +51647,6 @@ There is more simplicity in a man who eats caviar on impulse than in a man who eats Grapenuts on principle. -- G. K. Chesterton % -There is more simplicity in the man who eats caviar on impulse than in the -man who eats Grap-Nuts on principle. - -- G. K. Chesterton -% -There is more to life than increasing its speed. - -- Mahatma Gandhi -% There is more to life than increasing its speed. -- Mohandas K. Gandhi % @@ -52304,11 +51673,11 @@ There is no better way to exercise the imagination than the study of the law. No artist ever interpreted nature as freely as a lawyer interprets the truth. -- Jean Giraudoux % -"There is no choice before us. Either we must Succeed in providing +There is no choice before us. Either we must Succeed in providing the rational coordination of impulses and guts, or for centuries civilization will sink into a mere welter of minor excitements. We must provide a Great Age or see the collapse of the upward -striving of the human race" +striving of the human race. -- Alfred North Whitehead % There is no comfort without pain; thus @@ -52547,9 +51916,9 @@ And since then has never benzene. % There once was a king who ruled his country long, wisely, and well. The king had a son whom he hoped would someday rule the land. He also wished -in his heart that the son ould be wise and compassionate. One day he said +in his heart that the son would be wise and compassionate. One day he said to the prince: - "If you promised that you would give a certain women anything, even + "If you promised that you would give a certain woman anything, even half of your kingdom, and then she demanded the life of your best friend, what would your decision be, my son?" The young prince thought for a moment and then said, "I would tell @@ -52558,9 +51927,9 @@ her that she was my best friend, and cut her head off." % There once was a king who ruled his country long, wisely, and well. The king had a son whom he hoped would someday rule the land. He also wished -in his heart that the son ould be wise and compassionate. One day he said +in his heart that the son would be wise and compassionate. One day he said to the prince: - "If you promised that you would give a certain women anything, even + "If you promised that you would give a certain woman anything, even half of your kingdom, and then she demanded the life of your best friend, what would your decision be, my son?" The young prince thought for a moment and then said, "I would tell @@ -52583,8 +51952,7 @@ And now he's a College Professor. There seems no plan because it is all plan. -- C. S. Lewis % -"There was a boy called Eustace Clarence Scrubb, and he almost deserved -it." +There was a boy called Eustace Clarence Scrubb, and he almost deserved it. -- C. S. Lewis, "The Chronicles of Narnia" % There was a little girl @@ -52673,10 +52041,10 @@ Whose poetry never would scan. He said, "Yes, I know. It's because I try to put every possible syllable into that last line that I can." % -"There was an interesting development in the CBS-Westmoreland trial: +There was an interesting development in the CBS-Westmoreland trial: both sides agreed that after the trial, Andy Rooney would be allowed to talk to the jury for three minutes about little things that annoyed him -during the trial." +during the trial. -- David Letterman % There was an old Indian belief that by making love on the hide of @@ -52700,8 +52068,8 @@ necessary, family, hobbies, and friends -- if you had any of these left (and you might not, if you had signed up too many times before). -- Tracy Kidder, "The Soul of a New Machine" % -There was this New Yorker that had a lifelong ambition to be an Texan. -Fortunately, he had an Texan friend and went to him for advice. "Mike, +There was this New Yorker that had a lifelong ambition to be a Texan. +Fortunately, he had a Texan friend and went to him for advice. "Mike, you know I've always wanted to be a Texan. You're a *real* Texan, what should I do?" "Well," answered Mike, "The first thing you've got to do is look @@ -52731,9 +52099,6 @@ satellite. Guess which one got to tell the other how to run the telephone business? % There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when -the boss asks for a lift home from office. -% -There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a lift home from the office. % There will be big changes for you but you will be happy. @@ -52780,7 +52145,7 @@ There's a lot to be said for not saying a lot. There's a man deeply in debt, see, and he takes the money he has left and goes to Monte Carlo to try to recoup at the roulette tables. Won a little, lost a lot, and was down to his last franc. Prayed for help. -A voice whispered in his ear: "Le rouge..." Man looked around; nobody +A voice whispered in his ear: "Le rouge..." Man looked around; nobody there. What the hell -- he puts his last franc on the red, and it won. The voice immediately said, "Encore le rouge..." Played red again, and it won again. The voice said, "Impair..." Played odd, and it won. Voice @@ -52861,6 +52226,7 @@ There's no real need to do housework -- after four years it doesn't get any worse. % There's no room in the drug world for amateurs. + -- Raoul Duke % There's no saint like a reformed sinner. % @@ -53070,11 +52436,11 @@ They spell it Vinci and pronounce it Vinchy. Foreigners always spell better than they pronounce. -- Mark Twain % -"They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary -safety deserve neither liberty nor safety." +They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary +safety deserve neither liberty nor safety. -- Benjamin Franklin, 1759 % -"They told me I was gullible ... and I believed them!" +They told me I was gullible ... and I believed them! % They told me you had proven it When they discovered our results About a month before. Their hair began to curl @@ -53091,23 +52457,6 @@ My notion was to start again We quickly turned it into code To see if it would run. % -They told me you had proven it - About a month before. -The proof was valid, more or less He sent them word that we would try - But rather less than more. To pass where they had failed - And after we were done, to them - The new proof would be mailed. -My notion was to start again - Ignoring all they'd done -We quickly turned it into code When they discovered our results - To see if it would run. Their hair began to curl - Instead of understanding it - We'd run the thing through PRL. -Don't tell a soul about all this -For it must ever be -A secret, kept from all the rest -Between yourself and me. -% They took some of the Van Goghs, most of the jewels, and all of the Chivas! % @@ -53214,10 +52563,10 @@ Thirteen at a table is unlucky only when the hostess has only twelve chops. -- Groucho Marx % -"Thirty days hath Septober, +Thirty days hath Septober, April, June, and no wonder. all the rest have peanut butter -except my father who wears red suspenders." +except my father who wears red suspenders. % Thirty white horses on a red hill, First they champ, @@ -53235,10 +52584,10 @@ This "brain-damaged" epithet is getting sorely overworked. When we can speak of someone or something being flawed, impaired, marred, spoiled; batty, bedlamite, bonkers, buggy, cracked, crazed, cuckoo, daft, demented, deranged, loco, lunatic, mad, maniac, mindless, non compos mentis, nuts, -Reaganite, screwy, teched, unbalanced, unsound, witless, wrong; senseless, -spastic, spasmodic, convulsive; doped, spaced-out, stoned, zonked; {beef, +Reaganite, screwy, teched, unbalanced, unsound, witless, wrong; senseless, +spastic, spasmodic, convulsive; doped, spaced-out, stoned, zonked; {beef, beetle,block,dung,thick}headed, dense, doltish, dull, duncical, numskulled, -pinhead; asinine, fatuous, foolish, silly, simple; brute, lumbering, oafish; +pinhead; asinine, fatuous, foolish, silly, simple; brute, lumbering, oafish; half-assed, incompetent; backward, retarded, imbecilic, moronic; when we have a whole precisely nuanced vocabulary of intellectual abuse to draw upon, individually and in combination, isn't it a little to be @@ -53353,7 +52702,7 @@ This is Maria, Liberty Bail Bonds. Your client, Todd Lieman, skipped and his bail is forfeit. That's the pink slip on your '74 Firebird, I believe. Sorry, Jim, bring it on over. % -This is Marilyn Reed, I wanta talk to you... Is this a machine? +This is Marilyn Reed, I wanta talk to you... Is this a machine? I don't talk to machines! [Click] % This is National Non-Dairy Creamer Week. @@ -53518,7 +52867,7 @@ solutions were suggested for this problem, but most of these were largely concerned with the movements of small green pieces of paper, which is odd because on the whole it wasn't the small green pieces of paper that were unhappy. - -- Douglas Adams + -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" % "This process can check if this value is zero, and if it is, it does something child-like." @@ -53685,7 +53034,7 @@ Those who make peaceful revolution impossible will make violent revolution inevitable. -- John F. Kennedy % -Those who profess to favor freedom, and yet deprecate agitation, are +Those who profess to favor freedom, and yet depreciate agitation, are men who want rain without thunder and lightning. They want the ocean without the roar of its many waters. -- Frederick Douglass @@ -53894,8 +53243,6 @@ Time and tide wait for no man. Time as he grows old teaches all things. -- Aeschylus % -Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. -% Time flies like an arrow, but fruit flies like a banana. % Time goes, you say? @@ -53983,7 +53330,7 @@ Gumbinowitz, mechanical engineer, in a hidden-camera interview... Yes, you too can take advantage of the amazing properties of Dot-Product. Use it to calculate forces, velocities, displacements, and virtually any vector components. How much would you pay for it? But wait, it also calculates the -work done in Joules, Ergs, and, yes, even BTU's. Divide Dot-Product by the +work done in Joules, Ergs, and, yes, even BTUs. Divide Dot-Product by the magnitude of the vectors and it becomes an instant angle calculator! Now, how much would you pay? All this can be yours for the low, low price of $19.95!! But that's not all! If you order before midnight, you'll also get "Famous @@ -54006,27 +53353,27 @@ And make the damn things run. To a Californian, a person must prove himself criminally insane before he is allowed to drive a taxi in New York. For New York cabbies, honesty and stopping at red lights are both optional. - -- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts + -- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts" % To a Californian, all New Yorkers are cold; even in heat they rarely go above fifty-eight degrees. If you collapse on a street in New York, plan to spend a few days there. - -- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts + -- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts" % To a Californian, the basic difference between the people and the pigeons in New York is that the pigeons don't shit on each other. - -- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts + -- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts" % To a New Yorker, all Californians are blond, even the blacks. There are, in fact, whole neighborhoods that are zoned only for blond people. The only way to tell the difference between California and Sweden is that the -Swedes speak better English." - -- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts +Swedes speak better English. + -- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts" % To a New Yorker, the only California houses on the market for less than a million dollars are those on fire. These generally go for six hundred thousand. - -- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts + -- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts" % To accuse others for one's own misfortunes is a sign of want of education. To accuse oneself shows that one's education has begun. To accuse neither @@ -54086,13 +53433,6 @@ Do be do be do! Yabba-Dabba-Doo! -- F. Flintstone % -To be is to do. - -- I. Kant -To do is to be. - -- A. Sartre -Yabba-Dabba-Doo! - -- F. Flintstone -% To be loved is very demoralizing. -- Katharine Hepburn % @@ -54222,8 +53562,6 @@ To err is human; to forgive is simply not our policy. % To err is human, to forgive unusual. % -To err is human, to moo bovine. -% To err is human, to purr feline. To err is human, two curs canine. To err is human, to moo bovine. @@ -54435,7 +53773,7 @@ yourself and that which may have an interest in the matter of your receiving as much as it is possible for you to receive of this thing, and which may in some way be influenced by this ceremony. Amen. - -- Roger Zelazny, "Creatures of Light and Darkness" + -- Roger Zelazny, "Creatures of Light and Darkness", 1969 % To understand a program you must become both the machine and the program. % @@ -54551,8 +53889,6 @@ but fortunately, it can still be changed today. % Tomorrow will be canceled due to lack of interest. % -Tomorrow will be cancelled due to lack of interest. -% Tomorrow, you can be anywhere. % Tomorrow's computers some time next month. @@ -54688,7 +54024,7 @@ TOTD (T-shirt Of The Day): I'm the person your mother warned you about. % Toto, I don't think we're in Kansas anymore. - -- Judy Garland, "Wizard of Oz" + -- Judy Garland, "The Wizard of Oz" % Tourists -- have some fun with New York's hard-boiled cabbies. When you get to your destination, say to your driver, "Pay? I was hitch-hiking." @@ -54756,9 +54092,6 @@ a brand new series of three. Troubled day for virgins over 16 who are beautiful, wealthy, and live in eucalyptus trees. % -Troubled day for virgins over 16 who are -beautiful and wealthy and live in eucalyptus trees. -% Troubles are like babies; they only grow by nursing. % True happiness will be found only in true love. @@ -54779,7 +54112,7 @@ Truly simple systems... require infinite testing. -- Norman Augustine % Trust everybody, but cut the cards. - -- Finlay Peter Dunne, "Mr. Dooley's Philosophy" + -- Finley Peter Dunne, "Mr. Dooley's Philosophy" % Trust in Allah, but tie your camel. -- Arabian proverb @@ -54814,8 +54147,6 @@ of him that brought her birth. % Truth will be out this morning. (Which may really mess things up.) % -Truth will out this morning. (Which may really mess things up.) -% Truthful, adj.: Dumb and illiterate. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" @@ -54914,27 +54245,6 @@ All jersey were the ocean groves, And the red bank bayonne. -- Paul Kieffer % -'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves And as in uffish thought he stood -Did gyre and gimble in the wabe. The Jabberwock, with eyes aflame -All mimsy were the borogroves Came whuffling through the tulgey wood -And the mome raths outgrabe. And burbled as it came! - -"Beware the Jabberwock, my son! One! Two! One! Two! -The jaws that bite, and through and through - the claws that catch! The vorpal blade went snicker-snack. -Beware the Jubjub bird, He left it dead, and took its head, -And shun the frumious Bandersnatch!" And went galumphing back. - -He took his vorpal sword in hand "Hast thou slain the Jabberwock? -Long time the manxome foe he sought. Come to my arms, my beamish boy! -So rested he by the tumtum tree Oh frabjous day! Calooh! Callay!" -And stood awhile in thought. He chortled in his joy. - - 'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves - Did gyre and gimble in the wabe. - All mimsy were the borogroves - -- Lewis Carroll -% 'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe. "Beware the Jabberwock, my son! All mimsy were the borogroves The jaws that bite, the claws @@ -55332,7 +54642,7 @@ Meanwhile, fears of universal disaster sank to an all-time low over the world. -- Isaac Asimov % -Universe, n.: +universe, n: The problem. % Universities are places of knowledge. The freshman each bring a little @@ -55341,11 +54651,6 @@ in with them, and the seniors take none away, so knowledge accumulates. University, n.: Like a software house, except the software's free, and it's usable, and it works, and if it breaks they'll quickly tell you how to -fix it, and ... -% -University, n.: - Like a software house, except the software's free, and it's -usable, and it works, and if it breaks they'll quickly tell you how to fix it, and ... [Okay, okay, I'll leave it in, but I think you're destroying @@ -55460,11 +54765,7 @@ User hostile. User, n.: A programmer who will believe anything you tell him. % -USER, n.: - The word computer professionals use when they mean "idiot." - -- Dave Barry, "Claw Your Way to the Top" -% -user, n: +user, n.: The word computer professionals use when they mean "idiot." -- Dave Barry, "Claw Your Way to the Top" @@ -55541,8 +54842,6 @@ Velilind's Laws of Experimentation: (2) If a straight line fit is required, obtain only two data points. % -Veni, Vidi, Visa. -% Veni, Vidi, VISA: I came, I saw, I did a little shopping. % @@ -55871,8 +55170,6 @@ Have cleanest hands, and, as the heartless ghost Alone's unhurt, so the blind man sees best. -- Dylan Thomas, "Was There A Time" % -Washington, D.C. Wasting your money since 1810. -% Washington, D.C: Fifty square miles almost completely surrounded by reality. % Washington [D.C.] is a city of Southern efficiency and Northern charm. @@ -55882,6 +55179,8 @@ Washington [D.C.] is a city of Southern efficiency and Northern charm. the people -- the big, the bland and the banal. -- Ada Louise Huxtable % +Washington, D.C: Wasting your money since 1810. +% Wasn't there something about a PASCAL programmer knowing the value of everything and the Wirth of nothing? % @@ -56045,7 +55344,7 @@ The order is not insignificant. We are what we are. % We are what we pretend to be. - -- Kurt Vonnegut Jr. + -- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr. % We can defeat gravity. The problem is the paperwork involved. % @@ -56080,13 +55379,13 @@ into the mysteries and marvelous simplicities of this strange and beautiful Universe, Our home. -- "Gravitation", Misner, Thorne, and Wheeler % -"We demand rigidly defined areas of doubt and uncertainty!" +We demand rigidly defined areas of doubt and uncertainty! -- Vroomfondel % We don't believe in rheumatism and true love until after the first attack. -- Marie Ebner von Eschenbach % -"We don't care. We don't have to. We're the Phone Company." +We don't care. We don't have to. We're the Phone Company. % We don't care how they do it in New York. % @@ -56149,13 +55448,13 @@ We gotta get out of this place, If it's the last thing we ever do. -- The Animals % -"We had it tough ... I had to get up at 9 o'clock at night, half an +We had it tough ... I had to get up at 9 o'clock at night, half an hour before I went to bed, eat a lump of dry poison, work 29 hours down mill, and when we came home our Dad would kill us, and dance about on our grave singing Hallelujah ... -- Monty Python % -We have a equal opportunity Calculus class -- it's fully integrated. +We have an equal opportunity Calculus class -- it's fully integrated. % We have art that we do not die of the truth. -- Friedrich Nietzsche @@ -56203,20 +55502,6 @@ hands for masturbation." % We have seen the light at the end of the tunnel, and it's out. % -We have the flu. I don't know if this particular strain has an official -name, but if it does, it must be something like "Martian Death Flu". You -may have had it yourself. The main symptom is that you wish you had another -setting on your electric blanket, up past "HIGH", that said "ELECTROCUTION". - Another symptom is that you cease brushing your teeth, because (a) -your teeth hurt, and (b) you lack the strength. Midway through the brushing -process, you'd have to lie down in front of the sink to rest for a couple -of hours, and rivulets of toothpaste foam would dribble sideways out of your -mouth, eventually hardening into crusty little toothpaste stalagmites that -would bond your head permanently to the bathroom floor, which is how the -police would find you. - You know the kind of flu I'm talking about. - -- Dave Barry -% We have the flu. I don't know if this particular strain has an official name, but if it does, it must be something like "Martian Death Flu". You may have had it yourself. The main symptom is that you wish @@ -56340,7 +55625,7 @@ respect their good judgement. ...we must be wary of granting too much power to natural selection by viewing all basic capacities of our brain as direct adaptations. I do not doubt that natural selection acted in building our oversized -brains -- and I am equally confidant that our brains became large as +brains -- and I am equally confident that our brains became large as an adaptation for definite roles (probably a complex set of interacting functions). But these assumptions do not lead to the notion, often uncritically embraced by strict Darwinians, that all major capacities @@ -56357,7 +55642,7 @@ We must die because we have known them. We must finish once and for all with the neutrality of chess. We must condemn once and for all the formula "chess for the sake of chess," like the formula "art for art's sake." We must organize shock-brigades of -chess-play ers, and begin the immediate realization of a Five-Year Plan +chess-players, and begin the immediate realization of a Five-Year Plan for chess. -- Nikolai V. Krylenko, People's Commissar for Justice (of RFSFR, later of USSR), speaking at a 1932 Congress @@ -56579,11 +55864,11 @@ WEAPON: Wedding is destiny, and hanging likewise. -- John Heywood % -Wedding, n: +Wedding, n.: A ceremony at which two persons undertake to become one, one undertakes to become nothing and nothing undertakes to become supportable. - -- Ambrose Bierce + -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" % Wedding rings are the world's smallest handcuffs. % @@ -56619,6 +55904,7 @@ sweeping on to the grand fallacy. Weinberg's Second Law: If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization. + -- Gerald Weinberg % Weiner's Law of Libraries: There are no answers, only cross references. @@ -56700,8 +55986,6 @@ no wiser, but an intelligent man requires only two thousand five hundred." -- The Mahabharata % -"We'll cross out that bridge when we come back to it later." -% We'll cross that bridge when we come back to it later. % Well, didja wake up grouchy or did you let her sleep? @@ -56729,19 +56013,6 @@ Well, he didn't know what to do, so he decided to look at the government, to see what they did, and scale it down and run his life that way. -- Laurie Anderson % -Well, here it is, 1983, so it won't be long before you start reading a lot -of boring stories about people like Vance Hartke. Hartke is a governor or -mayor or something from one of the flatter states, and the reason you'll be -reading about him is that he's one of the 50 top contenders for the 1984 -Democratic presidential nomination. These men will spend the next 18 months -going around the country engaging in the most degrading activities imaginable, -such as wearing idiot hats and appearing on "Meet the Press". "Meet the -Press" is one of those Sunday morning public interest shows that the public -is not the least bit interested in. It features a panel of reporters who -ask questions of a guest politician, who wins an Amana home freezer if he -can get through the entire show without answering a single question. - -- Dave Barry -% Well, here it is, 1983, so it won't be long before you start reading a lot of boring stories about people like Vance Hartke. Hartke is a governor or mayor or something from one of the flatter states, and the @@ -56785,10 +56056,6 @@ they couldn't afford it, that would hold them off. you believe?!" -- Bullwinkle J. Moose [Jay Ward] % -Well, if you can't believe what you read -in a comic book, what *can* you believe? - -- Bullwinkle J. Moose -% Well, I'm disenchanted too. We're all disenchanted. -- James Thurber % @@ -56961,7 +56228,7 @@ and myself are underprivileged, deprived and also college students. % We're happy little Vegemites, As bright as bright can be. -We all all enjoy our Vegemite +We all enjoy our Vegemite For breakfast, lunch and tea. % Were it not for the presence of the unwashed and the half-educated, the @@ -57056,7 +56323,7 @@ Cooper and Claudette Colbert, and to be beaten up by both of them! % What a misfortune to be a woman! And yet, the worst misfortune is not to understand what a misfortune it is. - -- Kierkegaard, 1813-1855 + -- S. A. Kierkegaard (1813-1855) % What a strange game. The only winning move is not to play. -- WOP, "War Games" @@ -57090,7 +56357,7 @@ What causes the mysterious death of everyone? % What color is a chameleon on a mirror? % -What did ya do with your burder and your cross? +What did ya do with your burden and your cross? Did you carry it yourself or did you cry? You and I know that a burden and a cross, Can only be carried on one man's back. @@ -57159,9 +56426,9 @@ What garlic is to food, insanity is to art. % What garlic is to salad, insanity is to art. % -"What George Washington did for us was to throw out the British, so +What George Washington did for us was to throw out the British, so that we wouldn't have a fat, insensitive government running our -country. Nice try anyway, George." +country. Nice try anyway, George. -- D. J. on KSFO/KYA % What goes up must come down. But don't expect it to come down @@ -57228,12 +56495,12 @@ flush one of the toilets. Perhaps several of them. What I mean (and everybody else means) by the word QUALITY cannot be broken down into subjects and predicates. This is not because Quality is so mysterious but because Quality is so simple, immediate, and direct. - -- R. Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance" + -- Robert Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance" % What I tell you three times is true. -- Lewis Carroll % -"What I think is that the F-word is basically just a convenient nasty- +What I think is that the F-word is basically just a convenient nasty- sounding word that we tend to use when we would really like to come up with a terrifically witty insult, the kind Winston Churchill always came up with when enormous women asked him stupid questions at @@ -57289,7 +56556,7 @@ What is love but a second-hand emotion? % What is mind? No matter. What is matter? Never mind. - -- Thomas Hewitt Key, 1799-1875 + -- Thomas Hewitt Key (1799-1875) % What is now proved was once only imagin'd. -- William Blake @@ -57327,9 +56594,6 @@ and the establishment of a Hilton on its peak. "I've just GOT to start labeling my software..." -- Bloom County % -"What is the robbing of a bank compared to the FOUNDING of a bank?" - -- Bertolt Brecht -% What is the sound of one hand clapping? % What is this line of duty, and suffering? You are not supposed to suffer @@ -57356,8 +56620,6 @@ which is the exact opposite." % What is worth doing is worth the trouble of asking somebody to do. % -What is worth doing is worth the trouble of asking somebody to do it. -% "What I've done, of course, is total garbage." -- R. Willard, Pure Math 430a % @@ -57411,9 +56673,6 @@ What passes for woman's intuition is often nothing more than man's transparency. -- George Nathan % -What passes for woman's intuition -is often nothing more than man's transparency. -% What publishers are looking for these days isn't radical feminism. It's corporate feminism -- a brand of feminism designed to sell books and magazines, three-piece suits, airline tickets, Scotch, cigarettes @@ -57603,8 +56862,6 @@ What this country needs is a good five cent nickel. % What this country needs is a good five dollar plasma weapon. % -What this world needs is a good five-dollar plasma weapon. -% What time is it? I don't know, it keeps changing. % @@ -57723,7 +56980,7 @@ What's a cult? It just means not enough people to make a minority. % What's all this bru-ha-ha? % -"What's another word for Thesaurus?" +What's another word for "thesaurus"? -- Steven Wright % What's done to children, they will do to society. @@ -57816,8 +57073,7 @@ travel is that it made it possible to go elsewhere. When a shepherd goes to kill a wolf, and takes his dog along to see the sport, he should take care to avoid mistakes. The dog has certain relationships to the wolf the shepherd may have forgotten. - -- Robert Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle - Maintenance" + -- Robert Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance" % When a woman gives me a present I have always two surprises: first is the present, and afterward, having to pay for it. @@ -57871,9 +57127,6 @@ When angry, count four; when very angry, swear. tactics *with* Gestapo tactics?" -- Reuben Flagg % -When arguments fail, use a blackjack. - -- Ed "Spike" O'Donnell -% When arguments fail, use a blackjack. -- Edward "Spike" O'Donnell, Al Capone associate % @@ -57903,9 +57156,6 @@ When confronted by a difficult problem, you can often solve it quite easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?" % -When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by -reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?" -% When Cthulhu calls, He calls collect! % When democracy granted democratic methods to us in times of opposition, this @@ -58035,7 +57285,7 @@ I'm beginning to believe it. % When I was a child... We had a quick-sand box in the backyard... I was an only child... eventually. - -- Stephen Wright + -- Steven Wright % When I was a kid I said to my father one afternoon, "Daddy, will you take me to the zoo?" He answered, "If the zoo wants you let them come @@ -58170,7 +57420,7 @@ When it is not necessary to make a decision, it is necessary not to make a decision. % When it's dark enough you can see the stars. - -- Ralph Waldo Emerson, + -- Ralph Waldo Emerson % When license fees are too high, users do things by hand. @@ -58265,7 +57515,7 @@ concerts, she paused to calculate and replied, "Forty-seven years -- and I find I mind it less and less." -- Louise Andrews Kent % -When oxygen Tech played Hydrogen U. +When Oxygen Tech played Hydrogen U. The Game had just begun, when Hydrogen scored two fast points And Oxygen still had none Then Oxygen scored a single goal @@ -58290,7 +57540,7 @@ was Yesterday: 1925-1939" by Janet Flanner, edited by Irving Drutman. "But what kind of chauffeur was it?" Having been told by his aides not that he had been shot but that he had been struck by a taxi, the President spent the last conscious moments of his life wondering how - how an automobile got into the charity book sale at the Maison + an automobile got into the charity book sale at the Maison Rothschild, where his assassination occurred. % When properly administered, vacations do not diminish productivity: @@ -58433,14 +57683,14 @@ When the President does it, that means it is not illegal. % When the revolution comes, count your change. % -When the saleman's car broke down, he walked to the nearest farmhouse to ask +When the salesman's car broke down, he walked to the nearest farmhouse to ask if he could stay the night. The farmer agreed to put him up. "I live alone," he continued, "you can have the bedroom at the top of the stairs, to the right." "Oh, never mind," the disappointed salesman said. "I think I'm in the wrong joke." % -When the speaker and he to whom he is speaks do not understand, that is +When the speaker and he to whom he is speaking do not understand, that is metaphysics. -- Voltaire % @@ -58526,9 +57776,6 @@ When we understand knowledge-based systems, it will be as before -- except our fingertips will have been singed. -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 % -When we understand knowledge-based systems, it will be -as before -- except our finger-tips will have been singed. -% When we write programs that "learn", it turns out we do and they don't. % @@ -58580,55 +57827,42 @@ When you die, you lose a very important part of your life. When you dig another out of trouble, you've got a place to bury your own. % -When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly. -% When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried. % When you don't know what you are doing, do it neatly. % -When you find yourself in danger, when you're threatened by a stranger, -When it looks like you will take a lickin'... -There is one thing you should learn, -When there is no one else to turn to, -Caaaall for Super Chicken (**bwuck-bwuck-bwuck-bwuck**) -Caaaall for Super Chicken!! -% When you find yourself in danger, When you're threatened by a stranger, When it looks like you will take a lickin'... There is one thing you should learn, When there is no one else to turn to, - Caaaall for Super Chicken!! (**bwuck-bwuck-bwuck-bwuck**) + Caaaall for Super Chicken!! (**bwuck-bwuck-bwuck-bwuck**) Caaaall for Super Chicken!! % -When you find yourself in danger, -When you're threatened by a stranger, -When it looks like you will take a lickin'... -There is one thing you should learn, -When there is no one else to turn to, -Caaaaaall for Super Chicken. -% -When you get what you want in your struggle for self -And the world makes you king for a day, -Just go to a mirror and look at yourself -And see what that man has to say. - For it isn't your father or mother or wife - Whose judgement upon you must pass; - The fellow whose verdict counts most in your life - Is the one staring back from the glass. -Some people may think you a straight-shootin' chum -And call you a wonderful guy, -But the man in the glass says you're only a bum -If you can't look him straight in the eye. - He's the fellow to please, never mind all the rest, - For he's with you clear up to the end, - And you've passed your most dangerous, difficult test - If the man in the glass is your friend. -You may fool the whole world down the pathway of life +When you get what you want in your struggle for pelf, +And the world makes you King for a day, +Then go to the mirror and look at yourself, +And see what that guy has to say. + For it isn't your Father, or Mother, or Wife, + Who judgement upon you must pass. + The feller whose verdict counts most in your life + Is the guy staring back from the glass. +He's the feller to please, never mind all the rest, +For he's with you clear up to the end, +And you've passed your most dangerous, difficult test +If the guy in the glass is your friend. + You may be like Jack Horner and "chisel" a plum, + And think you're a wonderful guy, + But the man in the glass says you're only a bum + If you can't look him straight in the eye. +You can fool the whole world down the pathway of years, And get pats on the back as you pass, But your final reward will be heartaches and tears -If you've cheated the man in the glass. +If you've cheated the guy in the glass. + -- Dale Wimbrow (1895-1954), "The Guy in the Glass" (1934) + [Pelf is a Middle English word for wealth or riches, + especially when acquired dishonestly. Ed.] % When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty. @@ -58720,14 +57954,8 @@ You're driving a Beamer. When you're away, I'm restless, lonely Wretched, bored, dejected, only Here's the rub, my darling dear, -I feel the same when you are hear. - -- Samuel Hoffenstein, "Poems in Praise of Practically Nothing" -% -When you're away, I'm restless, lonely, -Wretched, bored, dejected; only -Here's the rub, my darling dear I feel the same when you are near. - -- Samuel Hoffenstein, "When You're Away" + -- Samuel Hoffenstein, "Poems in Praise of Practically Nothing" % When you're bored with yourself, marry, and be bored with someone else. -- David Pryce-Jones @@ -58765,7 +57993,7 @@ laugh because the apes beat him to it by about a million years. Struggle to become a parrot or something. -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican", 1988. % -Whenever anyone says, "theoretically", they really mean, "not really". +Whenever anyone says, "theoretically," they really mean "not really". -- Dave Parnas % Whenever I date a guy, I think, is this the man I want my children @@ -58832,7 +58060,6 @@ Where am I? Who am I? Am I? I Where are the calculations that go with a calculated risk? % WHERE CAN THE MATTER BE - Oh, dear, where can the matter be When it's converted to energy? There is a slight loss of parity. @@ -58844,10 +58071,6 @@ Where do I find the time for not reading so many books? Where do you go to get anorexia? -- Shelley Winters % -where everything is reversed, after which the point becomes to understand -more and more that there is something which cannot be understood. - -- S. Kierkegaard -% Where humor is concerned there are no standards -- no one can say what is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will. -- John Kenneth Galbraith @@ -58915,9 +58138,6 @@ Do not cease your single-handed struggle. Go on, do not rest. -- An old Gujarati hymn % -Whether you can hear it or not, -The Universe is laughing behind your back. -% Whether you can hear it or not The Universe is laughing behind your back -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata" @@ -59021,9 +58241,6 @@ While your friend holds you affectionately by both your hands you are safe, for you can watch both of his. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" % -While your friend holds you affectionately by both -your hands you are safe, for you can watch both of his. -% Whip it, whip it good! % Whistler's Law: @@ -59136,8 +58353,6 @@ Whoever would lie usefully should lie seldom. % Whom computers would destroy, they must first drive insane. % -Whom computers would destroy, they must first drive mad. -% Whom the gods wish to destroy they first call promising. % Whom the mad would destroy, first they make Gods. @@ -59166,8 +58381,8 @@ Because they are burnt out. Having worked for poor management, they no longer value their jobs. -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" % -"Why are we importing all these highbrow plays like `Amadeus'? I could -have told you Mozart was a jerk for nothing." +Why are we importing all these highbrow plays like "Amadeus"? I could +have told you Mozart was a jerk for nothing. -- Ian Shoales % Why are you so hard to ignore? @@ -59196,10 +58411,6 @@ Why attack God? He may be as miserable as we are. "Why be a man when you can be a success?" -- Bertolt Brecht % -Why be difficult when, with a bit of effort, you could be impossible? -% -Why be difficult, when, with just a little effort, you can be impossible? -% Why be difficult, when, with just a little more effort, you can be impossible? % @@ -59348,20 +58559,6 @@ I'd LOVE to, but ... -- I've got a Friends of the Lowly Rutabaga meeting. -- I promised to help a friend fold road maps. % -Why I Can't Go Out With You: - -I'd LOVE to, but ... - -- I have to floss my cat. - -- I've dedicated my life to linguini. - -- I need to spend more time with my blender. - -- it wouldn't be fair to the other Beautiful People. - -- it's my night to pet the dog/ferret/goldfish/radio. - -- I'm going downtown to try on some gloves. - -- I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products. - -- I'm due at the bakery to watch the buns rise. - -- I have an appointment with a cuticle specialist. - -- I have some really hard words to look up. -% Why is it called a funny bone when it hurts so much? % Why is it taking so long for her to bring out all the good in you? @@ -59371,7 +58568,7 @@ because we are not the person involved" -- Mark Twain % Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song? - -- Stephen Wright + -- Steven Wright % "Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?" -- Lily Tomlin @@ -59501,7 +58698,7 @@ Winning isn't everything, but losing isn't anything. Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity... If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head... if you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick... - -- Stephen Wright + -- Steven Wright % Winter is nature's way of saying, "Up yours." -- Robert Byrne @@ -59521,13 +58718,9 @@ Wisdom is rarely found on the best-seller list. Wishing without work is like fishing without bait. -- Frank Tyger % -WIT: +Wit, n.: The salt with which the American Humorist spoils his cookery... by leaving it out. -% -Wit, n.: - The salt with which the American Humorist spoils his cookery -... by leaving it out. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" % With a gentleman I try to be a gentleman and a half, and with a fraud I @@ -59537,9 +58730,6 @@ try to be a fraud and a half. With a rubber duck, one's never alone. -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" % -With all the fancy scientists in the world, why can't they just once -build a nuclear balm? -% With all the fancy scientists in the world, why can't they just once build a nuclear balm. % @@ -59581,17 +58771,6 @@ your G.P.A.?" Grinning ear to ear, the jock boasted, "I get about twenty-five in the city and forty on the highway." % -With the end of the football season, a star player on the college team was -celebrating the relaxation of his curfew by attending a late-night campus -party. Soon after arriving, he was captivated by a beautiful coed and -eased into a conversation with her by asking if she met many dates at -parties. - "Oh, I have a three point eight, so I'm much more attracted to the -strong academic types than to the dumb party animals," she said. "What's -you G.P.A.?" - Grinning from ear to ear, the jock boasted, "I get at least -twenty-five in the city and forty on the highway!" -% With women, I've got a long bamboo pole with a leather loop on the end of it. I slip the loop around their necks so they can't get away or come too close. Like catching snakes. @@ -59644,11 +58823,6 @@ Hundred billion castaways looking for a call. WOLF: A man who knows all the ankles. % -WOMAN: - An animal usually living in the vicinity of Man, and - having a rudimentary susceptibility to domestication. - -- Ambrose Bierce -% Woman: "Is Yoo-Hoo hyphenated?" Yogi Berra: "No, ma'am, its not even carbonated." % @@ -59663,6 +58837,11 @@ Woman is generally so bad that the difference between a good and a bad woman scarcely exists. -- Tolstoy % +Woman, n.: + An animal usually living in the vicinity of Man, and + having a rudimentary susceptibility to domestication. + -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" +% Woman on Street: Sir, you are drunk; very, very drunk. Winston Churchill: Madame, you are ugly; very, very ugly. I shall be sober in the morning. @@ -60003,8 +59182,7 @@ in a nuclear war, would the electromagnetic pulses from exploding bombs damage my videotapes?" % Worst Vegetable of the Year: - The brussels sprout. This is also the worst vegetable of next -year. + Brussel sprout. This is also the worst vegetable of next year. -- Steve Rubenstein % Worth seeing? @@ -60017,11 +59195,6 @@ Worthless. "analytical engine" invented by Charles Babbage, September 15, 1842. % -WOTD: - - ` - -% Would it help if I got out and pushed? -- Princess Leia Organa % @@ -60269,7 +59442,7 @@ XV: % XIIdigitation, n.: The practice of trying to determine the year a movie was made -by deciphering the Roman numerals at the end of the credits. + by deciphering the Roman numerals at the end of the credits. -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" % XLI: @@ -60412,7 +59585,7 @@ unwillingness to learn how to do things my way has usually led to my doing things their way; most of the time, they have been right. -- Stephen C. Johnson, "Yacc guide acknowledgements" % -Ya'll hear about the geometer who went to the beach to catch some +Y'all hear about the geometer who went to the beach to catch some rays and became a tangent ? % Yawd [noun, Bostonese]: the campus of Have Id. @@ -60462,7 +59635,7 @@ Year Name James Bond Book 1983* Never Say Never Again Sean Connery 1985 A View To A Kill Roger Moore 1960 (novelette) 1987 The Living Daylights Timothy Dalton 1965 (novelette) - * -- Not a Broccoli production. + * -- Not a Broccoli production % Year, n.: A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments. @@ -60511,11 +59684,6 @@ Yield to Temptation ... it may not pass your way again. % Yield to temptation; it may not pass your way again. % -YINKEL: - A person who combs his hair over his bald spot, - hoping no one will notice. - -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets" -% Yinkel, n.: A person who combs his hair over his bald spot, hoping no one will notice. @@ -60601,7 +59769,7 @@ You are magnetic in your bearing. You are never given a wish without also being given the power to make it true. You may have to work for it, however. -- R. Bach, "Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for - the Advanced Soul" + the Advanced Soul" % You are not a fool just because you have done something foolish -- only if the folly of it escapes you. @@ -60802,11 +59970,7 @@ You can bear anything if it isn't your own fault. % You can bring any calculator you like to the midterm, as long as it doesn't dim the lights when you turn it on. - -- Hepler, CS, University of Washington -% -"You can bring any calculator you like to the midterm, as long as it -doesn't dim the lights when you turn it on." - -- Hepler, Systems Design 182 + -- Hepler, Systems Design 182, University of Washington % You can bring men from other parts of the world who are sane. And you know what happens? At the very moment they cross those mountains... @@ -60836,7 +60000,7 @@ Why do you find that funny?" % You can do this in a number of ways. IBM chose to do all of them. Why do you find that funny? - -- D. Taylor, CS, University of Washington + -- D. Taylor, Computer Science 350, University of Washington % You can do very well in speculation where land or anything to do with dirt is concerned. @@ -60869,7 +60033,7 @@ can with just a kind word. You can get much further with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone. -- Al Capone - [Also attributed to Johnny Carson. Ed.] + [Also attributed to Johnny Carson. Ed.] % You can get there from here, but why on earth would you want to? % @@ -60908,17 +60072,12 @@ You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance. -- Franklin P. Jones % -You can make it illegal, but can't make it unpopular. -% You can make it illegal, but you can't make it unpopular. % You can measure a programmer's perspective by noting his attitude on the continuing viability of FORTRAN. -- Alan Perlis % -You can measure a programmer's perspective by noting -his attitude on the continuing vitality of FORTRAN. -% You can move the world with an idea, but you have to think of it first. % @@ -60966,11 +60125,9 @@ You can tell the ideals of a nation by its advertisements. % You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish. % -"You can write a small letter to Grandma in the filename." - -- Forbes Burkowski, Computer Science 454 -% You can write a small letter to Grandma in the filename. - -- Forbes Burkowski, CS, University of Washington + -- Forbes Burkowski, Computer Science 454, + University of Washington % You canna change the laws of physics, Captain; I've got to have thirty minutes! @@ -61029,7 +60186,7 @@ You can't get there from here. % You can't go home again, unless you set $HOME. % -"You can't have everything. Where would you put it?" +You can't have everything. Where would you put it? -- Steven Wright % You can't have your cake and let your neighbor eat it too. @@ -61158,7 +60315,7 @@ form. % You first parent of the human race... who ruined yourself for an apple, what might you have done for a truffled turkey? - -- Brillat-Savarin, "Physiologie du Gout" + -- Brillat-Savarin, "Physiologie du go^ut" % You get along very well with everyone except animals and people. % @@ -61338,12 +60495,12 @@ Goodtime Charlie's got the blues. % You know, of course, that the Tasmanians, who never committed adultery, are now extinct. - -- M. Somerset Maugham + -- W. Somerset Maugham % You know that feeling you get when you are tipping your chair back and you almost go crashing back on the floor but you just catch yourself? I feel like that all the time. - -- Stephen Wright + -- Steven Wright % You know, the difference between this company and the Titanic is that the Titanic had paying customers. @@ -61551,8 +60708,8 @@ to his own concept of the obligations of manhood. All other loyalties are merely deputies of that one. -- Nero Wolfe % -"You must realize that the computer has it in for you. The irrefutable -proof of this is that the computer always does what you tell it to do." +You must realize that the computer has it in for you. The irrefutable +proof of this is that the computer always does what you tell it to do. % You need more time; and you probably always will. % @@ -61665,7 +60822,7 @@ the useful ones. You see things; and you say "Why?" But I dream things that never were; and I say "Why not?" -- George Bernard Shaw, "Back to Methuselah" - [No, it wasn't J. F. Kennedy. Ed.] + [No, it wasn't John F. Kennedy. Ed.] % You see, wire telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull his tail in New York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you @@ -61697,10 +60854,6 @@ You should never bet against anything in science at odds of more than about 10^12 to 1. -- Ernest Rutherford % -You should never bet against anything in science at -odds of more than about ten to the twelfth to one. - -- Ernest Rutherford -% You should never ride in an airplane with a sports team, because if the plane goes down, it's you they're gonna eat! -- Gordon Downie, singer for Tragically Hip @@ -61733,8 +60886,8 @@ In New York, tip the taxicab driver $40 if he does not mention his hemorrhoids. -- Dave Barry, "The Stuff of Etiquette" % -"You should, without hesitation, pound your typewriter into a -plowshare, your paper into fertilizer, and enter agriculture." +You should, without hesitation, pound your typewriter into a +plowshare, your paper into fertilizer, and enter agriculture. -- Business Professor, University of Georgia % You shouldn't have to pay for your love with your bones and your flesh. @@ -61757,7 +60910,7 @@ a lowly bit twiddler. Now with what I learned at MIT Tech I feel really important and can obfuscate and confuse with the best." Mr. Watkins had this to say: "Ten short days ago all I could look forward -to was a dead-end job as a engineer. Now I have a promising future and +to was a dead-end job as an engineer. Now I have a promising future and make really big Zorkmids." MIT Tech can't promise these fantastic results to everyone, but when @@ -62010,7 +61163,7 @@ Toss dynamite caps under a flamenco dancer's heel. % You'll feel much better once you've given up hope. % -"You'll never be the man your mother was!" +You'll never be the man your mother was! % You'll never see all the places, or read all the books, but fortunately, they're not all recommended. @@ -62200,7 +61353,8 @@ Your lucky color has faded. % Your lucky number has been disconnected. % -Your lucky number is 3552664958674928. Watch for it everywhere. +Your lucky number is 3552664958674928. +Watch for it everywhere. % Your manuscript is both good and original, but the part that is good is not original and the part that is original is not good. @@ -62247,7 +61401,7 @@ mark of a fake messiah. The simplest questions are the most profound. Where were you born? Where is your home? Where are you going? What are you doing? Think about these once in awhile and watch your answers change. - -- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul + -- Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul % Your own qualities will help prevent your advancement in the world. % @@ -62336,8 +61490,8 @@ You're either part of the solution or part of the problem. You're growing out of some of your problems, but there are others that you're growing into. % -"You're just the sort of person I imagined marrying, when I was little... -except, y'know, not green... and without all the patches of fungus." +You're just the sort of person I imagined marrying, when I was little... +except, y'know, not green... and without all the patches of fungus. -- Swamp Thing % You're never too old to become younger. @@ -62403,12 +61557,12 @@ You've been telling me to relax all the way here, and now you're telling me just to be myself? -- The Return of the Secaucus Seven % -"You've got to have a gimmick if your band sucks." +You've got to have a gimmick if your band sucks. -- Gary Giddens % You've got to pity New Mexico... so far from heaven and so close to Texas. % -"You've got to think about tomorrow!" +You've got to think about tomorrow! "TOMORROW! I haven't even prepared for *_________yesterday* yet!" % diff --git a/games/fortune/datfiles/fortunes-o b/games/fortune/datfiles/fortunes-o index ea0e1f77e8..5a82a8f670 100644 --- a/games/fortune/datfiles/fortunes-o +++ b/games/fortune/datfiles/fortunes-o @@ -40,7 +40,7 @@ Now it even hurts to take a piss. Oh why did I get syphilis? Why'd she have VD? I don't know, she wouldn't say. -I did something wrong, now I long for yesterday .... +I did something wrong, now I long for yesterday ... -- To the tune of "Yesterday" % My Favorite Drugs [Sung to My Favorite Things] @@ -114,7 +114,7 @@ Testicles, testicles, said Daddy. A man gets tired of testicles. % ... But among the children of the Great Society there were those whose skins were black. And lo! Their portion was niggardly, -and of the fatted calf they were sucking hind teat.... +and of the fatted calf they were sucking hind teat ... Now it came to pass that a prophet rose up amongst them, and they called him King. And he went unto Pharaoh and said, "Let my people go to the front of the bus." @@ -386,7 +386,7 @@ some good news and some bad news." He muttered, "It's quarterly report day, Sally -- just the good news." She replied, "You're not sterile." % - A sociologist, a psychologist, and a engineer were discussing the + A sociologist, a psychologist, and an engineer were discussing the consequences and implications of a married man's having a mistress. The sociologist's opinion was that it is absolutely and categorically unforgivable for a married man to forfeit the bond of matrimony, and engage in such lowly @@ -510,7 +510,7 @@ much smaller than the ones I had yesterday." % An Israeli soldier was checking travelers' papers on a road, when a man and a heavily pregnant woman on a donkey came by. "Your names please?" -said the the soldier. +said the soldier. "My name is Mary," said the woman. "And mine is Joseph," said the man. "Oh," said the soldier, a little taken aback, "And where are you @@ -557,7 +557,7 @@ limited graphics capability. Comes fully assembled, with 4 AA batteries. his waist had gone both East and West despite his daily racquetball, a young executive appeared at a local health resort. Looking over the several weight loss plans offered, he selected one guaranteed to reduce his weight by two -pounds per day. After a light breakfast, and a almost non-existent lunch, he +pounds per day. After a light breakfast, and an almost non-existent lunch, he was escorted to a large room, where a young, attractive woman told him that "if he caught her, he could have her". After an hour of hard running, he finally gave up; and weighing himself, was comforted to realize that he had @@ -566,7 +566,7 @@ was to reduce his weight by four pounds per session. After following the same regimen, he was again escorted to a large room, but after two hours of running, he caught the young woman. Weight loss, just over four pounds. Returning the following week, he chose to lose eight pounds in a single day. He was shown -to the largest room he'd seen, by far, where he was confronted by a extremely +to the largest room he'd seen, by far, where he was confronted by an extremely muscular, burly man, who looked him square in the eye, flung his towel into a corner, and snarled, "You know the rules. Start running!" % @@ -671,7 +671,7 @@ she added: "But this fiend expects it three or four times a year!" Ed, a traveling salesman, had his car break down in the middle of a blizzard. He trudged to a nearby farmhouse where the farmer told him that, while they were short of beds, he could sleep with his daughter. She proved -to be eighteen and beautiful. So they went to bed, and shortly, Ed made a +to be eighteen and beautiful. So they went to bed, and shortly, Ed made a pass at the daughter. "Stop that!" she said. "I'll call my father." He desisted. But half an hour later he made another attempt. "Uh, stop ... that," she said. "I'll call my father." @@ -699,7 +699,7 @@ finest I've ever had." Ever thought of putting a ferret down your pants? Yes, ferrets, those weasel-like animals originally trained to hunt rats and possessing needle sharp claws and razor sharp teeth. The English do it for sport. - Ferret Legging involves the tying of a competitors's trousers at + Ferret Legging involves the tying of a competitor's trousers at the ankles and then dropping into the trousers a couple of vicious ferrets. No jockstraps or underwear allowed -- nothing but the bodies' own. The ferrets must be young and in good condition. Neither the ferret or the @@ -909,7 +909,7 @@ it's a catch-22. If he mates, he gets screwed out of an opportunity to mate again. If he doesn't mate, he doesn't reproduce, ending his family tree. This suicidal behavior is commonly called the Preying Mantis Syndrome -- and many life forms are periodically subject to its wrath. How did the preying mantis -become stuck in such a awful, vicious cycle? This is probably what happened: +become stuck in such an awful, vicious cycle? This is probably what happened: The male mantis arrives at the residence of the female mantis. After some courtship exercises (dinner, a movie, inserting the diaphragm) they mate. The female mantis, her lust for... lust being satisfied, relaxes while the @@ -1011,10 +1011,9 @@ his current flow, it caused her shunt to overheat, and Micro-Farad was rapidly discharged and drained of every electron. They Fluxed all night trying various connections and sockets until his magnet had a soft core and lost all of its field strength. - Afterwards, Milli-Amp tried self-induction and damaged her -solenoids. With his battery fully discharged, Micro-Farad was unable to -excite his field, so they spent the night reversing polarity and blowing -each others fuses. + Afterwards, Milli-Amp tried self-induction and damaged her solenoids. +With his battery fully discharged, Micro-Farad was unable to excite his field, +so they spent the night reversing polarity and blowing each others fuses. -- Eddie Currents, "The Sex Life of an Electron" % One of my favorite Zoo jokes has to do with a woman who, while @@ -1033,7 +1032,7 @@ never writes..." One PAYDAY, MR. GOODBAR wanted a BIT O' HONEY. So he took his Miss HERSHEY behind the POWERHOUSE on the corner of 5th AVENUE and CLARK where he there began to feel her MOUNDS. And that was an ALMOND JOY which definitely -made his TOOSIE ROLL. +made his TOOTSIE ROLL. He let out a SNICKER as he slipped his BUTTERFINGER up her KIT KAT which of course caused the MILKY WAY. She screamed "OH, HENRY!" as she squeezed his PETER, PAUL and ZAGNUTS and said "you're better then the 3 @@ -1111,7 +1110,7 @@ circuits. of time before he gets smashed -- and when a journalist turns into a politics junkie he will sooner or later start raving and babbling in print about things that only a person who has Been There can possibly understand. - -- Hunter Thompson, "Fear and Loathing: On the Campaign Trail" + -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing: On the Campaign Trail" % People who write position papers often find themselves in an enviable position. They are hired to write papers for both sides of the @@ -1190,7 +1189,7 @@ assure you, that's a wee-wee." certain young lady whose political views were in direct opposition to his own. Fancying herself something of a wag, she exclaimed, "Mr. Churchill, I care for neither your politics nor your moustache." Unabashed, the young -statesman regarded her quietly for a moment, the wryly commented, "Suck my +statesman regarded her quietly for a moment, then wryly commented, "Suck my dick." While serving as a subaltern in the Boer War, the young Churchill was asked by a superior officer to give his opinion of the Boers as soldiers. @@ -1243,7 +1242,7 @@ made a short visit into her coach, saw a great crowd assembled, and her footman all bloody and dirty; the fellow being asked by his mistress, the reason for his being in that condition, answered, "I have been fighting, madam, with an impudent rascal who called your ladyship a whore." - "You blockhead," replied Mrs. Gywnn, "at this rate you must fight + "You blockhead," replied Mrs. Gwynn, "at this rate you must fight every day of your life; why, you fool, all the world knows it." "Do they?" cries the fellow, in a muttering voice, after he had shut the coach door, "they shan't call me a whore's footman for all that." @@ -1333,7 +1332,7 @@ did to us?" 1. WITTY AND CHARMING: This is after one or two drinks. The tongue is loosened and can yet remain in step with the brain. In the "witty - and charming" state, one is likely to use foreign idioms and and + and charming" state, one is likely to use foreign idioms and phrases such as "au contraire" in place of "No way, Jose" or "Bullsheyet". 2. RICH AND POWERFUL: By the third drink, you begin mentioning the little @@ -1592,7 +1591,7 @@ three days." % We were somewhere around Barstow on the edge of the desert when the drugs began to take hold. I remember saying something like "I feel a bit -lightheaded; maybe you should drive...." And suddenly there was a terrible +lightheaded; maybe you should drive ..." And suddenly there was a terrible roar all around us and the sky was full of what looked like huge bats, all swooping and screeching and diving around the car, which was going about a hundred miles an hour with the top down to Las Vegas. And a voice was @@ -1669,12 +1668,12 @@ up in the bar last night?" The Split-Atom Blues Gimme Twinkies, gimme wine, - Gimme jeans by Calvin Kline.... + Gimme jeans by Calvin Kline ... But if you split those atoms fine, Mama keep 'em off those genes of mine! Gimme zits, take my dough, - Gimme arsenic in my jelly roll.... + Gimme arsenic in my jelly roll ... Call the devil and sell my soul, But Mama keep dem atoms whole! -- Milo Bloom, "Bloom County" @@ -1699,7 +1698,7 @@ obscure such reality. -- Steve Allen % ... And then there's the guy who bought 20,000 bras, cut them in half, -and sold 40,000 yamalchas with chin straps.... +and sold 40,000 yamalchas with chin straps ... % ... But the reward of a successful collaboration is a thing that cannot be produced by either of the parties working alone. It is akin to the @@ -1761,7 +1760,7 @@ And bring me back ma prick. I canna wait for him to die -- Tom Sharpe, "The Ballad of Prick 'Em Dry" % 1. The sport of choice for the low skill level employees is: BASKETBALL. -2. The sport of choice for maintainence level employees is: BOWLING. +2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is: BOWLING. 3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is: FOOTBALL. 4. The sport of choice for supervisors is: BASEBALL. 5. The sport of choice for middle management is: TENNIS. @@ -1783,21 +1782,6 @@ your balls. 9. A beer won't leave you for a younger man either. 10. A beer won't tease you because you once liked Barry Manilow. % -10 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Man: - - 1. A beer will never invite friends home for dinner without calling. - 2. A beer won't think less of you if you can't name the Steelers' - quarterback. - 3. A beer won't even act amazed if you can. - 4. You don't have to let a beer win. - 5. Just because you have dinner with a beer doesn't mean you have to - sleep with it beer, too. - 6. A beer helps with the housework. - 7. A beer will never fumble with your bra. - 8. A beer will never take the newspaper apart before you've read it. - 9. A beer doesn't want you to raise its children. -10. A beer wouldn't mind if you wanted it to wear a condom. -% 10 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Man: 1. A beer will never invite friends home for dinner without calling. @@ -1816,7 +1800,7 @@ your balls. 10 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Man: 1. Having a beer can't make you pregnant. - 2. A beer doesn't wouldn't trade you in on a sports car. + 2. A beer wouldn't trade you in on a sports car. 3. If a beer did have a sports car, it wouldn't love it more than you. 4. A beer doesn't want to go out alone with the other beers. 5. A beer wouldn't waste its money on Playbeer magazine. @@ -2065,8 +2049,8 @@ For her costume did not keep her flesh in. % A bisexual chap name of Lunt Taught himself an unusual stunt. -He could peel back his spout -Turn the skin inside out + He could peel back his spout + Turn the skin inside out Like a glove, to be used as a cunt! % A bisexual is a man who likes girls as well as the next fellow. @@ -2102,12 +2086,6 @@ Was heard to confess in her cups: Was diddling a collie- But I got a nice price for the pups." % -A broken-down harlot named Tupps -Was heard to confess in her cups: - "The height of my folly - Was fucking a collie -- -But I got a nice price for the pups." -% A bureaucracy is like a septic tank -- all the really big shits float to the top. % @@ -2144,16 +2122,10 @@ the road and into a telephone pole, totaling the car. The two stumbled out of the wreckage, both feeling quite fortunate to be alive. The Catholic crossed himself. Then the Protestant crossed himself in an accentuated manner. - "Hey," said the Catholic, "I why did you cross yourself, you're not + "Hey," said the Catholic, "Why did you cross yourself, you're not Catholic!" "Just checking," replied his friend, crossing himself again, -"spectacles, testicals, wallet, pen." -% -A cautious young fellow named Lodge -Had seatbelts installed in his Dodge. - When his date was strapped in, - He committed a sin, -Without even leaving his grodge. +"spectacles, testicles, wallet, pen." % A cautious young fellow named Lodge, Had seatbelts installed in his Dodge. @@ -2248,17 +2220,11 @@ Invented a jack-off machine. The fuckin' thing broke And beat both his balls to a creame. % -A clever young man named Eugene -Invented a jack-off machine. - On the twenty-third stroke - The goddam thing broke -And beat both his balls to a creame. -% A clitoris is a lot like Antarctica; most men know it's there, but few really care. % A cocksucking steno named Beeman -Remarked as she swallowed my semen : +Remarked as she swallowed my semen: "On my minuscule salary I must watch every calorie, So I get `ahead' eating you he-men!" @@ -2355,7 +2321,7 @@ A definition of teaching: casting fake pearls before real swine. -- Bill Cain, "Stand Up Tragedy" % A delighted, incredulous bride -Remarked to her groom at her side : +Remarked to her groom at her side: "I never could quite Believe till tonight Our anatomies would coincide." @@ -2483,16 +2449,16 @@ with one of the Scandinavian Air Forces. She invited him to come in and speak to the class. The guy was more than happy to talk, and began with a story about a morning patrol where he had been nearly shot down. "We had been up for about 20 minutes flying over enemy held -territory, when we noticed, just in time, 3 fokkers diving on us from above." -At the first mention of `fokkers' the class giggled a little bit. +territory, when we noticed, just in time, 3 Fokkers diving on us from above." +At the first mention of `Fokkers' the class giggled a little bit. "Our group broke formation, and began the dog-fighting. As we -fought, we noticed 2 more fokkers coming at us from above and 2 more -fokkers, fresh from the landing field, come to join the battle". -At this second and third mention of `fokkers' the class was almost laughing +fought, we noticed 2 more Fokkers coming at us from above and 2 more +Fokkers, fresh from the landing field, come to join the battle". +At this second and third mention of `Fokkers' the class was almost laughing openly, and the teacher interrupted the story to ask the pilot to explain -to the class that a 'fokker' was a particular type of plane flown by the +to the class that a 'Fokker' was a particular type of plane flown by the German Air Force. - He replied, "Ya, dat is true, but these fokkers were Messerschmidts". + He replied, "Ya, dat is true, but these Fokkers were Messerschmidts". % A group of scientists discovered an apelike creature in the jungle, which they hoped would prove to be the missing link. The proof of their theory, @@ -2643,7 +2609,7 @@ the word 'screw' in the courtroom. Say 'intercourse' instead." probably not aware of. Never mind. Please continue." "Well, like ah said, he had 'er shoved up agin' thet wall, an' he was... uh... intercoursin' 'er, an' he give 'er the crossjostle, the Chicago -Stroke, an she let out with a holler thet..." +Stroke, an' she let out with a holler thet..." "One moment," interrupted the Bench. "What is this, ah, Chicago Stroke, Mr. Bumpass?" "Well, thet's a technicality of screwin', Judge, thet you're probably @@ -3055,7 +3021,7 @@ you must have told the bitch to go fuck herself!" A Scotsman clad in a kilt walks up to the counter in an Apothecary. From his pocket he takes a plaid condom that has been heavily used, torn, patched, sewn, and is currently split down one side. He asks the proprietor, "How much -to replace this, Ian?" The proprietor says, "Why, Angus, that'l be four +to replace this, Ian?" The proprietor says, "Why, Angus, that'll be four pence." Then the Scotsman asks, "How much to repair?" The prop. looks the condom over carefully, and says "Three pence to repair." The Scotsman ponders for a moment, then says, "I'll be back." @@ -3083,7 +3049,7 @@ As a gift they left a blue ribbon tied into a bow, Around the bonny star of the Scot's kilt lifting show. The Scot awoke to nature's call and stumbled to the trees. -Behind a bush he lifts his kilt and gawks at what he see's. +Behind a bush he lifts his kilt and gawks at what he sees. Then in a startled voice he says to what's before his eyes, "Och, lad I dinna know whar' ya been, but I see ya won first prize." -- Mike Cross, "The Scotsman" @@ -3361,7 +3327,7 @@ received a telegram from their sister. It read: I liked the couch falling apart when we sat on it. I was amused when the shower went cold five minutes after it started. But I'm - going to kill whoever put the novicaine into the KY jelly... + going to kill whoever put the novocaine into the KY jelly... % Aboard the good ship Venus, The cabin boy, the captain's joy, The mast it was a penis, A cunning little nipper, @@ -3389,7 +3355,7 @@ Western science." -- Gary Zukav, "The Dancing Wu Li Masters" % AC/DC is a rock band. - -- Bisexuality, 101 + -- Bisexuality, 101 % Achilles' Biological Findings: (1) If a child looks like his father, that's heredity. If he @@ -3516,7 +3482,7 @@ Al Gore resembled a Vulcan desperately in need of a blow job. % Alaska, where Moosehead isn't a beer, it's a misdemeanor. -Q: You know how to figure out if your lover's been "invovlved"? +Q: You know how to figure out if your lover's been "involved"? A: Antler marks on their hips. % Alcohol is like love: the first kiss is magic, the second is intimate, @@ -3637,7 +3603,7 @@ must go to the same assay-room and be subjected to common tests. It is the essence of all dogmatic faiths to hold that any such "show-down" is sacrilegious and perverse. The characteristic of religion, from their point of view, is that it is intellectually secret, not public; peculiarly revealed, -not generall known; authoritatively declared, not communicated and tested +not generally known; authoritatively declared, not communicated and tested in ordinary ways...It is pertinent to point out that, as long as religion is conceived as it is now by the great majority of professed religionists, there is something self-contradictory in speaking of education in religion @@ -3814,10 +3780,10 @@ Managing Director (however bizarre an ambition this may seem to anyone who has seen the Managing Director face on). -- Katherine Whitehorn, "Roundabout" % -"And Bezel saideth unto Sham: `Sham,' he saideth, `Thou shalt goest +And Bezel saideth unto Sham: "Sham," he saideth, "Thou shalt goest unto the town of Begorrah, and there thou shalt fetcheth unto thine bosom 35 talents, and also shalt thou fetcheth a like number of cubits, -provideth that they are nice and fresh.'" +provideth that they are nice and fresh." -- Dave Barry, "Getting Religion" % And do you not think that each of you women is an Eve? The judgement of God @@ -3923,7 +3889,7 @@ daiquiri. The bartender looks him over with amusement and says: "We don't serve your kind, buddy, why don't you get out of here before the boys come in and kick your ass?" The guy whimpers a little and lisps, "Pleasse misssture I am soooo -thurstay...." +thurstay ..." Well, the bartender feels somewhat sorry for him and hands him a beer on the house on the condition that he drink it in the back and leave as soon as he's done. A little while later, a hulking cowboy walks in and up to the @@ -3945,7 +3911,7 @@ Any woman is a volume if one knows how to read her. "Anything created must necessarily be inferior to the essence of the creator." -- Claude Shouse -"Einstein's mother must have been one heck of a physicist." +Einstein's mother must have been one heck of a physicist. -- Joseph C. Wang % Anything more than three shakes is for fun. @@ -3957,7 +3923,7 @@ Apple owners do it with mice! APPOINTMENT BOOK: The reference of last resort when trying to duck undesired invitations ("Gee, the soonest I can pencil you in is - December, 2004"), or when trying to figure out what the hell + December, 2039"), or when trying to figure out what the hell it was you did during the past year. % "Approximately 80% of our air pollution stems from hydrocarbons @@ -3969,7 +3935,7 @@ Are there those in the land of the brave Who can tell me how I should behave When I am disgraced Because I erased - A file I intended to save? +A file I intended to save? % ARIES (Mar. 21 to Apr. 19) Be cheerful today. People who don't like you will outnumber those @@ -3994,7 +3960,7 @@ was possible not to follow through, you'd still be getting screwed. % As long as your ass is pointed at the ground, don't fuck with me. % -As my dear autie used to say, "Love makes the world go 'round, but sex +As my dear auntie used to say, "Love makes the world go 'round, but sex makes the ride fun." % As near as I can tell, you're not any crazier @@ -4160,7 +4126,7 @@ Beat me, bite me, whip me, fuck me, make me write bad checks! % Beauty, n: The power by which a woman charms a lover and terrifies a husband. - -- Ambrose Bierce + -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" % Beauty seldom recommends one woman to another. % @@ -4327,7 +4293,7 @@ week was cut short by an ingenious device designed by two computer science students. A three-foot bar of extruded aluminum was precisely machined, with a hole milled down the center of precisely the dimensions of one of the small Gideon bibles. The end capped off, a CO2 canister was connected -to provide up to 2,000 PSIG. Prelimary estimates during field testing +to provide up to 2,000 PSIG. Preliminary estimates during field testing revealed a muzzle velocity of approximately 120-150 MPH for bibles exiting the tube. Sufficient ammunition was obtained during a previous visit to campus by another religious organization, and the system was first used on @@ -4375,7 +4341,7 @@ CALIFORNIA: "fornication." Hence: Tierra de California, "the land of hot sex." -- Ed Moran, Covina, California % -"California is proud to be the home of the freeway." +California is proud to be the home of the freeway. -- Ronald Reagan % Call for Ms. Lingus, Ms. Connie Lingus... @@ -4422,7 +4388,7 @@ a hole in the ground." % Catholicism has changed tremendously in the recent years. Now when Communion is served there is also a salad bar. - -- Bill Marr + -- Bill Maher % Ce livre est dedie a Chagrin, This book is dedicated to Chagrin, Qui fit un petit mannequin: Who fashioned a small doll: @@ -4450,7 +4416,7 @@ CHASTITY BELT: Chastity is its own punishment. % Chicago has journalists' bars, ethnic bars, neighborhood bars, even midget -bars, hundreds, maybe thousands of bars, on on every neighborhood block. +bars, hundreds, maybe thousands of bars, on every neighborhood block. I was drinking on afternoon in O'Rourke's, a bar on the Near North side. It was dark and empty, which suited my mood. A fat, stubble-bearded, middle-aged man waddled in, took the stool next to mine, and ordered a @@ -4482,7 +4448,7 @@ Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Fuck you!! Chorus: I don't want to join the army, I don't want to go to war, I'd rather sit around, pickin' dillies off the ground, - And livin' off the favors of a 'igh-born lady. + And livin' off the favors of an 'igh-born lady. I don't want a bullet up me arse 'ole, I don't want me pecker blown away, I'd rather live in England, in jolly, sunny, England, @@ -4714,8 +4680,8 @@ Confucius say: man who marry girl with no bust has right to feel low down. man who sleeps with old hen finds it's better than pullet. man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day. - man who lie under car, get tired -- man who stand behind car, - get exhausted. + man who lie under car, get tired + man who stand behind car, get exhausted. % Confucius say: woman who put man in dog house find him in cat house. @@ -4834,7 +4800,7 @@ general understanding of science as an enterprise? crew, n: Eight big men and their cute little cox. % -Cried Miss Pratt : "What are you staring at? +Cried Miss Pratt: "What are you staring at? I know - you don't have to say that! All you guys want of me Is a poke where I pee, @@ -4881,9 +4847,6 @@ Dames lie about anything -- just for practice. Dammit, how many times do I have to tell you? _____FIRST you rape, ____THEN you pillage!! % -Dammit, how many times do I have to tell you? -FIRST you rape, THEN you pillage!! -% Damned if I know. And you can be fuckin' sure I'll never rent no car from Avis again. -- Herbie Sperling, on the meaning of two pistols and an @@ -5173,7 +5136,7 @@ idea that I'm knocking the American system. Don't knock masturbation -- it's sex with someone I love. -- Woody Allen % -"Don't let your mouth write no check that your tail can't cash." +Don't let your mouth write no check that your tail can't cash. -- Bo Diddley % Don't look now -- your office mate is a pederast!!! @@ -5182,11 +5145,8 @@ Don't look now, but your mother is having sex with a horse. % Dope will get you through times of no money better that money will get you through times of no dope. - -- Gilbert Shelton -% -Dope will get you through times of no money -better than money will get you through times of no dope! - -- Freewheelin' Franklin, "The Fabulous Furry Freak Brothers" + -- Freewheelin' Franklin, "The Fabulous Furry Freak + Brothers" by Gilbert Shelton % Down by the old model T, Where she first showed it to me. @@ -5310,8 +5270,8 @@ Evangelists do it with Him watching. % Even bytes get lonely for a little bit. % -"Even nowadays a man can't step up and kill a woman without feeling -just a bit unchivalrous ..." +Even nowadays a man can't step up and kill a woman without feeling +just a bit unchivalrous ... -- Robert Benchley % Evening hours "all clear" for romance! @@ -5381,7 +5341,7 @@ cats. about it. They keep reasonable hours. You *never* see a cat up before noon. They know how to relax. Ever heard of a cat with an ulcer? - What are the chances of a cat starting a nuclear war? Pretty neglible. + What are the chances of a cat starting a nuclear war? Pretty negligible. It's not that they can't, they just know that there are much better things to do with ones time. Like lie in the sun and sleep. Or go exploring the world. % @@ -5771,7 +5731,7 @@ Fortune's Rules for Memo Wars: #3 The proper time for a vicious ad hominem attack is when you have no logical recourse. If you have been arguing a point with a person or persons for -30 odd weeks, and an memo comes across that logically tears down the +30 odd weeks, and a memo comes across that logically tears down the final shred of evidence that you thought you had, that is the time to call the author of that memo: 1: a mindless twit who attacks other people's beliefs for no reason. @@ -5782,7 +5742,7 @@ the author of that memo: The OTHER proper time for an ad hominem attack is immediately after someone has posted something you don't understand. Given the current state of modern electronic communications technology your inability to comprehend the meaning -of an memo constitutes a violation of western moral tradition on the part of +of a memo constitutes a violation of western moral tradition on the part of the author of that memo, and the author should be taken to task publicly via a series of really nasty, name-calling oriented memos. % @@ -6003,9 +5963,7 @@ GOD is applied POWER "God is as real as I am," the old man said. My faith was restored, for I knew that Santa would never lie. % -"God is big, so don't fuck with him." -% -God is not dead -- he's been busted. +God is big, so don't fuck with him. % God is omnipotent, omniscient, and omnibenevolent -- it says so right here on the label. If you have a mind capable of believing all three of these @@ -6089,7 +6047,7 @@ able to get loose. Good day for water sports. Take a bath with a friend. % Good evening Ladies and Gentlemen! -Here's a little number I tossed up in the Carribean recently... +Here's a little number I tossed up in the Caribbean recently... Isn't it awfully nice to have a Penis, isn't it frightfully good to have a Dong. @@ -6110,7 +6068,7 @@ you can stick it in your sock! But, don't take it out in public, or they will stick you in the dock, and you won't come back. - -- The Meaning of Life, Monty Python + -- Monty Python, "The Meaning of Life" % good scout, n: Someone who knows the lay of the land and will take you to her. @@ -6261,7 +6219,7 @@ mean. The answer is hot tubs. A hot tub is a redwood container filled with water that you sit in naked with members of the opposite sex, none of whom is necessarily your spouse. After a few hours in their hot tubs, Californians don't give a damn about earthquakes or mass murderers. They don't give a -damn about anything , which is why they are able to produce "Laverne and +damn about anything, which is why they are able to produce "Laverne and Shirley" week after week. -- Dave Barry % @@ -6349,7 +6307,7 @@ But what was that bulge, small, oblong, solid, that might have been, say, a pocket camera? -- An Exciting Journey % -"He could be a poster child for retroactive birth control." +He could be a poster child for retroactive birth control. % He dove down overweighted with lead. Passed one hundred and flat lost his head. @@ -6490,7 +6448,7 @@ Hear about... wrong foot? % Hear about... - the doctor that prescribed sex for insommia? His patients didn't + the doctor that prescribed sex for insomnia? His patients didn't get any more sleep, but they had more fun staying awake. % Hear about... @@ -6514,7 +6472,7 @@ Hear about... fired them? % Hear about... - The fellow who chased his girlfriend up a tree and kissed + the fellow who chased his girlfriend up a tree and kissed her between the limbs? % Hear about... @@ -6669,7 +6627,7 @@ Hear about... the over-eager bride who came, walking down the aisle? % Hear about... - the perverted australian who left his wife and returned to Sydney? + the perverted Australian who left his wife and returned to Sydney? % Hear about... the poor Greek fisherman who got his upper torso wedged into @@ -6712,10 +6670,6 @@ Hear about... the woman who claimed that two martinis usually made her feel like a new man? % -Hear about... - the woman who says two martinis usually make her feel like a - new man? -% Hear about... the young lady attacked in San Francisco? By two men, one held her down while the other one did her hair. @@ -6796,7 +6750,7 @@ Hello, children!! the ******** ******* *** into six or seven pairs. % Help! I'm a lesbian trapped in a gay man's body! - -- Bisexuality, 101 + -- Bisexuality, 101 % Help Stamp Out Rape! (Say Yes.) % @@ -6845,7 +6799,7 @@ To find a woman with a spiral cunt. And when he did, he dropped stone dead, 'Cause the blasted thing had a left-hand thread! % -"Here's the holiday schedule for Monday's observation of Martin Luther +Here's the holiday schedule for Monday's observation of Martin Luther King Jr.'s birthday, when the following will be closed: * Governmental offices @@ -6855,7 +6809,7 @@ King Jr.'s birthday, when the following will be closed: * Banks * Parts of Palm Beach -and the mind of Senator Jesse Helms of North Carolina." +and the mind of Senator Jesse Helms of North Carolina. -- Dennis Miller, "Saturday Night Live" % Here's to the girl in little red shoes, @@ -6900,7 +6854,7 @@ read satisfaction guaranteed, or your virginity returned intact. He's learned about 50% of the rules of sex and conversation; he knows how to stick it in, but not how to stick it out. % -"He's not pining, he's passed on! This parrot won't squawk! He's +He's not pining, he's passed on! This parrot won't squawk! He's ceased to be! He's expired, and gone to meet his maker! It's a stiff! No breath of life, he may rest in peace! If you hadn't nailed him to the perch, he'd be pushing up the daisies! He's off the twig! @@ -6910,7 +6864,8 @@ Choir Invincible! HE'S FUCKING SNUFFED IT! Vis-a-vi his metabolic processes is head is lost. All statements concerning this parrot is no longer a going concern, after from now on, Inoperative... - THIS IS AN EX-PARROT!!" + THIS IS AN EX-PARROT!! + -- Monty Python % Hey baby! How 'bout a brutal face fuck? @@ -6953,7 +6908,7 @@ His shy bride admitted to Crandall That for years she'd worked off with a candle, But a cock like his dick Gave her ten times the kick, -Though it stained her wee peehole to handle! +Though it strained her wee peehole to handle! % Home is where the hurt is. -- Strange de Jim @@ -6990,10 +6945,10 @@ Jewish, when the sun's real name is Sol? % How come if you're horny it's lust, but if she's horny it's affection? % -"How do you like the new America? We've cut the fat out of the +How do you like the new America? We've cut the fat out of the government, and more recently the heart and brain (the backbone was gone some time ago). All we seem to have left now is muscle. We'll be -lucky to escape with our skins!" +lucky to escape with our skins! % How should they answer? -- Abigail Van Buren (Dear Abby) in reply to the question @@ -7016,7 +6971,7 @@ Hugh Hefner is a virgin. Hunters make the best lovers; they go deeper into the bush, shoot more often and *always* eat what they shoot. % -Hypocrisy is the vaseline of social intercourse. +Hypocrisy is the Vaseline of social intercourse. % hypocrite, n: A man who says he likes cats, but won't eat pussy. @@ -7095,12 +7050,11 @@ And we're set for a sexy soiree!" I don't care who you are, Fatso. Get those reindeer off my roof. % I don't discriminate on the basis of sex. - -- Bisexuality, 101 - - [An equal opportunity lover? Ed.] + -- Bisexuality, 101 + [An equal opportunity lover? Ed.] % I don't drink water; fish fuck in it. - -- W.C. Fields + -- W. C. Fields % I don't give a shit what happens. I want you all to stonewall it. Let them plead the Fifth Amendment, cover up, or anything else if it'll save @@ -7152,7 +7106,7 @@ Italians -- they're so Jewish. % I had a dream that all the victims of The Pill came back... boy, were they mad! - -- Stephen Wright + -- Steven Wright % I had a virgin once. I had to go to Florida for her. She was twelve years old, blind in one eye, and carried a stuffed alligator labeled @@ -7283,11 +7237,10 @@ Who made his intentions quite clear. But I'm already stewed, screwed, and tattooed." % I only date queers. - -- Bisexuality, 101 - - [I'm not queer, but my boyfriend is! Ed.] + -- Bisexuality, 101 + [I'm not queer, but my boyfriend is! Ed.] % -"I own my own body, but I share." +I own my own body, but I share. % I played over the music of that scoundrel Brahms. What a giftless bastard! It annoys me that this self-inflated mediocrity is hailed @@ -7326,9 +7279,6 @@ I think any man in business would be foolish to fool around with his secretary. If it's somebody else's secretary, fine. -- Barry Goldwater % -I think every good Christian ought to kick Falwell right in the ass. - -- Barry Goldwater -% I think every good Christian ought to kick Falwell's ass. -- Senator Barry Goldwater, commenting on Jerry Falwell's suggestion that all good Christians should be against @@ -7466,8 +7416,8 @@ With our cousin who's deranged ... I'd like to meet the man who invented sex and see what he's working on now. % -"I'd like to start a new religion. One that doesn't use a dead young -man as its logo." +I'd like to start a new religion. One that doesn't use a dead young +man as its logo. -- Bill Cain, "Stand Up Tragedy" % I'd rather have fingers than toes, @@ -7485,9 +7435,9 @@ If all these sweet young things were laid end-to-end, I wouldn't be a bit surprised. -- Dorothy Parker % -"If anyone wants to trade a couple of centrally located, well-cushioned +If anyone wants to trade a couple of centrally located, well-cushioned showgirls for an eroded slope 90 minutes from Broadway, I'll be on this -corner tomorrow at 11 with my tongue hanging out." +corner tomorrow at 11 with my tongue hanging out. -- S. J. Perelman % If being bi increases your chance of getting a date, @@ -7516,8 +7466,8 @@ If God had meant for us to have group sex, he'd have given us more organs. If God had wanted people to give blow jobs, he wouldn't have given them teeth. % -"If God had wanted us to use the metric system, Jesus would have had 10 -apostles." +If God had wanted us to use the metric system, Jesus would have had 10 +apostles. % If God hadn't intended man to eat pussy, would He have made it look like a taco? @@ -7815,10 +7765,10 @@ girlfriend's name. Yeah, I went down to the hall of records. I said, "I'd like to change it... I'd like to change it to... LYING LITTLE BITCH!" -- Sam Kinison % -I'm unbuttoning your shirt, unzipping your jeans.... +I'm unbuttoning your shirt, unzipping your jeans ... Oh, I can feel your fingers on the keys, baby, - I'm getting WARM.... + I'm getting WARM ... I am getting there, oh yes,. Oh, my. OH YES... OHHHH! ...!!!rrrrrgh!!!!! @@ -7988,7 +7938,7 @@ From: Doc Re: S. White If that bitch cleans one more thermometer with Ajax, I'm gonna kill -her. I'll give her apples, nice big apples. With surprises inside. Yeah, +her. I'll give her apples, nice big apples. With surprises inside. Yeah, surprises. % ==================== @@ -8290,7 +8240,7 @@ It's a bitch being butch. It's a funny thing that when a woman hasn't got anything on earth to worry about, she goes off and gets married. % -It's a question of Napleon brandy versus Ripple. +It's a question of Napoleon brandy versus Ripple. I am mellow and amber and I go down real smooth. -- Rita Moreno, commenting in Newsweek on the sex appeal of older women versus younger women @@ -8380,8 +8330,9 @@ Don't see 'em this big out here, do they? -- Lyndon B. Johnson, exposing himself to reporters in a public toilet during a tour of the Far East % -"I've had one child. My husband wants to have another. I'd like to -watch him have another." +I've had one child. My husband wants to have another. I'd like to +watch him have another. + -- Rita Rudner % Jack an Jill went up the hill. Jill went down, @@ -8702,7 +8653,8 @@ Lisp hackers have to be bound (to-do 'it) ... % Lisp programmers do it deeper and deeper and deeper. % -Little Boy Blew... he needed the money. +Little Boy Blue -- He needed the money. + -- Andrew "Dice" Clay % LITTLE DEATH: (la petite mort) Some women do indeed pass right out, the 'little death' of French poetry. Men occasionally do the same. The @@ -8749,6 +8701,7 @@ Eating her curds and whey. Along came a spider, Who sat down beside her, And said, "What's in the bowl, bitch?" + -- Andrew "Dice" Clay % Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet, Her knickers all tattered and torn. @@ -8797,9 +8750,7 @@ was because they wanted to make sure he was dead. -- Samuel Goldwyn % Love comes in spurts. -% -Love comes in spurts. - --Devo, "Please Please" + -- Devo, "Please Please" % Love does not make the world go around, just up and down a bit. % @@ -8996,8 +8947,8 @@ McQuillan was on the stand. The case involved a railroad and several of the passengers who were injured. "You say," thundered the counsel for the railroad, "that you saw the two trains crash head on while doing sixty miles an hour. What did you -think when you saw this happen ?" - I thought," replied the Irishman, "this is one *helluva* way to run +think when you saw this happen?" + "I thought," replied the Irishman, "this is one *helluva* way to run a railroad." % Me father makes book on the corner, @@ -9080,7 +9031,7 @@ billions of tiny units of protoplasm, called "cells"! And what is even more interesting, the ones on the outside are all dying! This is a fact. Your skin is like an aggressive modern corporation, where the older veteran cells, who have finally worked their way to the top and obtained offices with nice -views, are constantly being shoved out the window head first, without so +views, are constantly being shoved out the window head first, without so much as a pension plan, by younger hotshot cells moving up from below. -- Dave Barry % @@ -9091,17 +9042,16 @@ Mickey Mouse has a long talk one day with a psychiatrist, after which the psychiatrist interviews Minnie Mouse. A few days later Mickey meets with the psychiatrist, and the following conversation ensues: -Sigmund : I talked with Minnie after talking with you. -Mickey : Oh? -Sigmund : I couldn't find anything wrong with her -- she isn't insane. -Mickey : Idiot! I didn't say she was insane -- I said she was - fuckin' Goofy. +Sigmund: I talked with Minnie after talking with you. +Mickey: Oh? +Sigmund: I couldn't find anything wrong with her -- she isn't insane. +Mickey: Idiot! I didn't say she was insane -- I said she was fuckin' Goofy. % Miguel Cervantes wrote Donkey Hote. Milton wrote Paradise Lost, then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained. % -"Mind you, not as bad as the night Archie Pettigrew ate some sheep's -testicles for a bet... God, that bloody sheep kicked him!" +Mind you, not as bad as the night Archie Pettigrew ate some sheep's +testicles for a bet... God, that bloody sheep kicked him! -- Ripping Yarns % Missed the train at the railway station @@ -9188,14 +9138,14 @@ Mr. Kelly likes rye on the rocks. They can't get together, So others get into her box. % -Musing on her present and past professions as "dominant/sadomasichism +Musing on her present and past professions as "dominant/sadomasochism fantasy fulfiller" and dental hygienist, Sybil said, "I couldn't really understand why I wanted to be a dental hygienist, but years later, after being in the SM world a long time, I figured it out: I'm in uniform, they're not. I'm standing up, they're lying down. I'm doing painful -things to them for their own good. This is so ME." +things to them for their own good. This is so ME." -- The Daily Cal, September 29, 1992 In an article titled: - "Kinky sex remains alive and whipping despite threat + "Kinky sex remains alive and whipping despite threat of AIDS, book reveals" % My advice to the women's clubs of America is to raise more hell and fewer @@ -9205,9 +9155,9 @@ dahlias. My brother-in-law has found a way to make ends meet. He goes around with his head stuck up his ass. % -"My country, right or wrong," is a thing that no patriot would think of -saying except in a desperate case. It is like saying, "My mother, -drunk or sober." +"My country, right or wrong," is a thing that no patriot would +think of saying except in a desperate case. It is like saying, +"My mother, drunk or sober." -- G. K. Chesterton % My daddy's brains was so scrambled he thought he was Jesus. They put him @@ -9281,14 +9231,7 @@ And that's when I almost died, They nearly knocked me down to be the first in town To get their Elephant Shit On Rye! % -`My trip? It was vile. Balaclava -I loathed. Etna was crawling with lava. - The ship was all white - But it creaked in the night, -And the band, they did not know la java." - -- Edward Gorey -% -`My trip? It was vile. Balaclava +"My trip? It was vile. Balaclava I loathed. Etna was crawling with lava. The ship was all white But it creaked in the night, @@ -9447,7 +9390,7 @@ of God. The argument follows: "I refuse to prove that I exist," says God, by chance, thus proving that you exist, therefore by your own arguments, you don't. QED." "Oh, dear," says God, "I hadn't thought of that," and promptly vanishes in a puff of logic. - -- D. Adams + -- Douglas Adams % Now what would they do if I just sailed away? Who the hell really compelled me to leave today? @@ -9568,12 +9511,6 @@ He tried to make love to a puma. Tore his testes away - - An example of animal huma. % -Oh pity the prince, Montezuma -He tried to make love to a puma. - Seems the puma, in play, - Tore his testes away -- -An example of animal huma. -% Oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to conceive. -- Don Herold % @@ -9596,12 +9533,6 @@ It won a Bronze at the "Kings Cross Homosexuals Convention" of 1973 Warning: Avoid contact with eyes and open cuts. Keep away from open naked flames -- both old and new. % -Old King Cole was a merry old soul, -A merry old soul was he. -He called for his pipe, -And he called for his drums, -And he fiddled with his call girls three. -% Old King Cole Was a merry old soul, A merry old soul was he! @@ -9621,15 +9552,6 @@ Everywhere a chick-chick, Old McDonald lost his farm 'Cause he had too many chicks! % -Old McDonald had a farm, -E-I-E-I-O -And on this farm he had some chicks, -E-I-E-I-O -With a chickie-poo here, and a chickie-poo there, -Here a chick, there a chick, everywhere a whoop-ti-doo, -Old McDonald lost his farm, -'Cause he had too many chicks. -% Old mercenaries never die. They go to hell and regroup. % Old Mother Hubbard lived in a shoe, @@ -9638,7 +9560,7 @@ She didn't know what to do. So she moved to Atlanta. % Old Mother Hubbard, -Went to the cubbard, +Went to the cupboard, To get her poor doggie a bone. But when she stooped over, @@ -9650,7 +9572,7 @@ Olmstead's Law: % On a cannibal isle near Malaysia Lives a lady they call Anastasia. - Not russian elite- + Not Russian elite- She's eager to eat Whatever or whoever lays her. % @@ -9679,7 +9601,7 @@ On day a Monterey daughter Did scuba down under the water. She later turned up The mom of a pup, -And they say t'was a otter that gotter. +And they say t'was an otter that gotter. % On one hot dusty day in 1860, a lone Mexican bandit crossed the border into Texas. After robbing a small bank and shooting up the town, he led the posse @@ -9706,12 +9628,6 @@ Was tattooed the price of her tail. For the sake of the blind, Was the same information -- in Braille. % -On the breasts of a harlot from Yale -Was tattooed the price of her tail - And on her behind, - For the sake of the blind, -Was the same information in Braille. -% On the porch of a dude named Horatio, His girl got a yen for fellatio. As she sucked on his dingus @@ -9892,7 +9808,7 @@ and approached the farmer. "Hey, buddy," he asked, "how come you're not wearing any clothes?" Replied the farmer, "Well, boy, th' other day I was out a-workin' in the fields, an' I plum fergot t' wear mah shirt. Got back to th' house -that night, and mah neck was stiffer than a oak-wood board. This here's +that night, and mah neck was stiffer than an oak-wood board. This here's mah wife's idea." % One day a little polar bear cub says to his mother, "Mommy, am I really @@ -9924,7 +9840,7 @@ to show that if you've got a big dick, you don't need a Mercedes." One day Adam, while wandering around the Garden of Eden, noticed that all the animals seemed to come in pairs, male and female. He also noted that they seemed to enjoy being together a lot. So, he went to his special -place an reported to God what he'd noticed. +place and reported to God what he'd noticed. God, understanding his need, said, "Adam, the time has come for me to provide you with a mate. Go lie down and when you have fallen asleep, I will create your mate." @@ -9957,17 +9873,17 @@ inquired. Again he asked her how the unusual name had been chosen. "Because he likes to fuck pigs." % -"One day I got on the usual bus, and when I stepped in, I saw the most -gorgeous blond chinese girl... I sat beside her... I said 'Hi,' and she -said 'Hi,' and then I said 'Nice day, isn't it,' and she said 'Yeah, I -guess'... I said 'What do you mean "you guess"?'... she said 'I saw my -analyst today and he says I have a problem.'... so I asked 'What's the -problem?'... she replied 'I can't tell you, I don't even know you.'... -I said 'Well sometimes it's good to tell your problems to a perfect -stranger on a bus.' So she said, 'Well, my analyst said I'm a nymphomaniac -and I only like Jewish cowboys... by the way, my name is Diane.' I said, -'Hello, Diane, my name is Bucky Goldstein.'" - -- Stephen Wright +One day I got on the usual bus, and when I stepped in, I saw the most +gorgeous blond Chinese girl... I sat beside her... I said "Hi," and she +said "Hi," and then I said "Nice day, isn't it," and she said "Yeah, I +guess"... I said "What do you mean `you guess'?"... she said "I saw my +analyst today and he says I have a problem."... so I asked "What's the +problem?"... she replied "I can't tell you, I don't even know you."... +I said "Well sometimes it's good to tell your problems to a perfect +stranger on a bus." So she said, "Well, my analyst said I'm a nymphomaniac +and I only like Jewish cowboys... by the way, my name is Diane." I said, +"Hello, Diane, my name is Bucky Goldstein." + -- Steven Wright % One day, in a bar, a young man walks in with a little dwarf about one foot tall on his shoulder and orders a beer. The bartender serves the man a beer; @@ -10008,12 +9924,6 @@ hands." "That's very kind of you," the observant scout replied, "but there is no need. Reagan just jumped out with my knapsack." % One evening a guru had coitus -With an actress, a whore and a poetess. - When asked what position - He used for coition, -He answered serenely, "the loetus." -% -One evening a guru had coitus With an actress, a whore and a poetess. When asked what position He used for coition, @@ -10103,7 +10013,7 @@ right handed. If she's sleeping on her left side, I play left handed." "What if she's lying on her back?" George said, "That's when I'm late." % -"One Saturday afternoon, during the campaign to decide whether or not +One Saturday afternoon, during the campaign to decide whether or not there should be a Coastal Commission, I took a helicopter ride from Los Angeles to San Diego. We passed several state beaches, some crowded and some virtually empty. They had the same facilities, and in some @@ -10111,7 +10021,7 @@ cases the crowded and the empty beach were within a quarter mile of each other. Obviously many beach-goers prefer to be crowded together. Buying more beaches that people won't go to because they prefer to be crowded together on one beach is a ridiculous waste of our natural -resources and our taxes." +resources and our taxes. -- Ronald Reagan % One should be cherry of virgins. @@ -10176,12 +10086,12 @@ What ho, you are smitten! Yo mosquito, fuck you. -- Mitchell Peck, "Ouch, Mosquito" % -"Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear -- kept us in +Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear -- kept us in a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor -- with the cry of grave national emergency... Always there has been some terrible evil to gobble us up if we did not blindly rally behind it by furnishing the exorbitant sums demanded. Yet, in retrospect, these disasters seem -never to have happened, seem never to have been quite real." +never to have happened, seem never to have been quite real. -- General Douglas MacArthur, 1957 % Our readers ask, "Why don't more WASPs go to orgies?" Well, it's really @@ -10285,7 +10195,7 @@ Philosophy is to the real world as masturbation is to sex. Physicists do it with charm. % Picking up a man in a bar is like a snowstorm, you never know when -he's coming, how many inches you'll get or how long'll he'll stay. +he's coming, how many inches you'll get or how long he'll stay. % pile driver, n: Local drink; two parts vodka, one part prune juice. @@ -10512,7 +10422,7 @@ A: A nurse says: "This won't hurt a bit." ... and bank tellers say "Substantial penalty for early withdrawal." ... and saleswomen say "Thank you, come again soon!" -... and WASP's say "Do you have that in a bigger size?" +... and WASPs say "Do you have that in a bigger size?" ... and piano teachers say "Keep those fingers arched! TEMPO! TEMPO!" % Q: How do you tell that your roommate's gay? @@ -10525,11 +10435,9 @@ Q: How does a mink get babies? A: The same way babies get minks. % Q: How does the Polish Constitution differ from the American? - A: Under the Polish Constitution citizens are guaranteed freedom of speech, but under the United States constitution they are guaranteed freedom after speech. - -- being told in Poland, 1987 % Q: How many Aggies does it take to eat an armadillo? @@ -10754,9 +10662,9 @@ Q: What's the last thing that goes through a grasshopper's mind when he hits your windshield? A: His ass. -Q. What's the second-to-last thing to go through a grasshopper's +Q: What's the second-to-last thing to go through a grasshopper's mind when he hits your windshield? -A. Oh, SHIT!! +A: Oh, SHIT!! % Q: What's white and crawls up your leg? A: Uncle Ben's Perverted Rice. @@ -10796,7 +10704,7 @@ Q: Why do dogs lick their private parts? A: Because they can. % Q: Why do ducks have webbed feet? -A: To stamp out forest firest. +A: To stamp out forest fires. Q: Why do elephants have big flat feet? A: To stamp out flaming ducks. @@ -10814,7 +10722,7 @@ Q: Why do Scotsmen wear kilts? A: Because a sheep can hear the sound of a zipper from fifty feet away. -- Iain MacKintosh, Glasgow folksinger % -Q: Why do WASP's play golf ? +Q: Why do WASPs play golf? A: So they can dress like pimps. % Q: Why do women have vaginas? @@ -10836,11 +10744,9 @@ Q: Why is it that Mexico isn't sending anyone to the '84 summer games? A: Anyone in Mexico who can run, swim or jump is already in LA. % Q: Why is Poland just like the United States? - A: In the United States you can't buy anything for zlotys and in Poland you can't either, while in the U.S. you can get whatever you want for dollars, just as you can in Poland. - -- being told in Poland, 1987 % Q: Why is Sister Pat the way she is? @@ -11079,13 +10985,13 @@ QOTD: QOTD: "You might as well say "yes", the sheets are messy already." % -"Queensboro president Donald Mannis, charged with receiving bribes in +Queensboro president Donald Mannis, charged with receiving bribes in exchange for city contracts, resigned on Tuesday. Mannis feels he must devote more time to impending litigation, some of which might emanate from a recent statement he made comparing New York Mayor Ed Koch to Nazi Martin Bormann. A spokesman from the Bormann estate said they are weighing the odds of a slander suit. Mayor Koch could naturally be -reached for comment, but we chose not to listen." +reached for comment, but we chose not to listen. -- Dennis Miller, "Saturday Night Live" % quickie, n: @@ -11094,7 +11000,7 @@ quickie, n: quickie, n: No sooner spread than done. % -Ralph: Lisa, you have no tits and a awful tight pussy. +Ralph: Lisa, you have no tits and an awful tight pussy. Lisa: Ralph... get off my back!! % Randel, n.: @@ -11496,7 +11402,7 @@ Said a dainty young whore named Ms. Meggs, If you know what I mean, And leave me the white of their eggs." % -Said a decadent wench of Bombay : +Said a decadent wench of Bombay: "This has been a most wonderful day. Three cherry tarts, At least twenty farts, @@ -11509,7 +11415,7 @@ Was attacked by a virile young man: And she fractured his wrist with her fan. -- Edward Gorey % -Said a happy young man of Fort Drum : +Said a happy young man of Fort Drum: "What care I for this shortage of gum? My favorite chew Is a condom or two, @@ -11557,14 +11463,14 @@ Whose virtue was largely a myth, I can't find a man That it's fun to be virtuous with." % -Said crew girl Angelica Bauer : +Said crew girl Angelica Bauer: "The captain's withdrawn, cold, and sour." Uhura said, "No, At night that's not so-- He doesn't withdraw for an hour." % Said Einstein, "I have an equation -Which to some may seem rabelaisian: +Which to some may seem Rabelaisian: Let _V be virginity Approaching infinity; Let _P be a constant persuasion; @@ -11582,20 +11488,20 @@ Is leading me straight to perdition; Of making an act of contrition." -- Edward Gorey % -Said President Jobcock one day : +Said President Jobcock one day: "War's better than love, I should say. Instead of a virgin, It's murder I'm urgin'-- You get lots more blood that-a-way." % -Said sneering Mohammed el-Din : +Said sneering Mohammed el-Din: "Only infidel dogs put it in. Back home in Arabia We nibble the labia Till the juice dribbles off of our chin." % Said the cunt-lapping Bey of Algiers, -In a cunt halfway up to his ears : +In a cunt halfway up to his ears: "This nautch is delicious, And without doubt nutritious. She's my best-tasting wife in ten years!" @@ -11613,7 +11519,7 @@ Said the nun as the bishop withdrew, And two inches longer than you." % Saint Peteer was once heard to boast -That he'd had all the heavenly host : +That he'd had all the heavenly host: The Father and Son, And then - just for fun - The hole in the Holy Ghost. @@ -11635,7 +11541,7 @@ San Francisco: San Francisco is my kind of city, Where the women are strong and the men are pretty. % -Save a forest - eat a beaver! +Save a forest -- eat a beaver! % Save a mouse, eat a pussy! % @@ -11826,6 +11732,7 @@ The shamus, deeply moved, follows suit and cries, "Oh, Lord, I am nobody!" The rabbi turns to the cantor and says, "Look who thinks he's nobody!" + -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" % Share and enjoy, share and enjoy. Journey through life with a plastic boy or girl by your side. @@ -11879,7 +11786,7 @@ She never liked zippers, she said, Until she opened one in bed. % She stood there and peeled off her clothes, -And begged for a bang : goodness knows +And begged for a bang: goodness knows I am surely impure And I sizzled to scrure, But the push had gone out of my hose. @@ -11972,7 +11879,7 @@ to attach a partner's hands. Don't pull down the fixture, however -- it isn't weightbearing. See Discipline. -- The Joy of Sex % -Sighed a neat little package named Annie : +Sighed a neat little package named Annie: "I've the tits and the twat and the fanny, Plus the yen, but the men Only call now and then-- @@ -11992,7 +11899,7 @@ Smoking a woman is like kissing a fish. Sniff sniff... Hey! Who farted? % Snow White: - "Gee guys, I've always dreamed of getting ten inches... + Gee guys, I've always dreamed of getting ten inches... but not an inch-and-a-half at a time! % "Snyder's got a stiff ticket," said Kay, @@ -12077,7 +11984,7 @@ Resigned to the situation, she went out into the warm night. She came staggering in early the next morning. "How did you do?" asked the husband. "Here," she said, "I've got four dollars and ten cents." - "Four dollars and ten cents," he said . "Who gave you the ten cents?" + "Four dollars and ten cents," he said. "Who gave you the ten cents?" "Everybody," she said. % So this is a very confusing situation, and what makes it even worse is, our @@ -12189,8 +12096,6 @@ I've all day sober to sunday up. % Statisticians do it with 95% confidence. % -Statisticians do it with 95 percent confidence. -% Statisticians probably do it. % Sticks and stones may break my bones but whips and chains excite me!!! @@ -12238,10 +12143,7 @@ Or when Pharaoh's daughter went into the bulrushes and came out with a little prophet? And it was Moses who led the Children of Israel to the Banks of the Jordan! % -Sure eating yoghurt will improve your sex life. People -know that if you'll eat that stuff, you'll eat anything. -% -Sure eating yogurt will improve your sex life. People know that if +Sure eating yoghurt will improve your sex life. People know that if you'll eat that stuff, you'll eat anything. % Sure, Reagan has promised to take senility tests. But what if he @@ -12279,8 +12181,8 @@ Protestantism: Shit happens, but it happens to someone else. Catholicism: Shit happens, but you deserved it. Judaism: Why does shit always happen to US? % -"Taxes should hurt. I just mailed my own tax return last night and I -am prepared to say `ouch!' as loud as anyone." +Taxes should hurt. I just mailed my own tax return last night and I +am prepared to say "ouch!" as loud as anyone. -- Ronald Reagan % TAXIDERMIST: @@ -12390,7 +12292,7 @@ Fell into the water baptismal; For the depth of the font was abysmal. -- Edward Gorey % -The bedsprings next door jounce and creak : +The bedsprings next door jounce and creak: They have kept me awake for a week. Why do newlyweds Select squeaky beds @@ -12519,7 +12421,7 @@ text of the first Jewish-Catholic prayer -- one that begins "Oy vay, Maria". The Enterprise crew when off work Will fuck like an Ottoman Turk. Uhura the Zulu - Is shcked up with Sulu, + Is shacked up with Sulu, And Spock shares a crew girl with Kirk. % The Enterprise girls, so one hears, @@ -12538,7 +12440,7 @@ The first child of a Mrs. Keats-Shelley Came to light with its face in its belly; Her second was born With a hump and a horn, -And her third was as shapeles as jelly. +And her third was as shapeless as jelly. -- Edward Gorey % The first time we slept together she drove a recreational vehicle into @@ -12648,7 +12550,7 @@ an extra-firm mattress. % The honest female orgasm is three to fifteen rhythmic contractions of the outer third of the vagina at .8 second intervals, which is approximately -the beat of Surfing Safari" by the Beach Boys. Unless these contractions +the beat of "Surfing Safari" by the Beach Boys. Unless these contractions occur, you can regard her groaning, moaning, clawing, kicking, begging for mercy, and shouting filthy religious epithets as bargain-basement histrionics. -- John Hughes, National Lampoon @@ -12681,7 +12583,7 @@ absolutely wild!" % The husband wired home that he had been able to wind up his business trip a day early and would be home on Thursday. When he walked into his apartment, -however, he found his wife in bed with another man. Furious,he picked up his +however, he found his wife in bed with another man. Furious, he picked up his bag and stormed out. He met his mother-in-law on the street, told her what had happened and announced that he was filing for divorce in the morning. "Give my daughter a chance to explain before you take any action," @@ -12861,7 +12763,7 @@ We are talking about a lot of jobs. Political Fallout" % The nervous young bride became irritated by her husband's lusty advances on -their wedding night and reprimanded him severly. +their wedding night and reprimanded him severely. "I demand proper manners in bed," she declared, "just as I do at the dinner table." Amused by his wife's formality, the groom smoothed his rumpled hair @@ -12901,7 +12803,7 @@ returned to the rectory to find a note from that worthy. % The new rooster caused a great stir in the barnyard. From resplendent comb to defiant spurs, he was the picture of young bantamhood. Almost immediately -upon arrival, he was greeted by and elderly rooster who took him behind the +upon arrival, he was greeted by an elderly rooster who took him behind the barn and whispered in his ear: "Young fellow, I'm long past my prime. All I want now is peace and solitude. So you take over right now as ruler of the roost with my blessings." @@ -12910,7 +12812,7 @@ a young rooster could. After several days, however, the elder rooster again took the young champion behind the barn. "Kid," he said, "the hens are after me for giving up my position so readily. So why don't we have a race, say, ten laps around the farmhouse? The winner becomes undisputed keeper of the -henhouse and the hens will stop nagging me. +henhouse and the hens will stop nagging me." The young rooster, with only contempt for his elder, agreed. Surprisingly, the older one jumped off to an early lead. His counterpart, weakened by the activities of the previous week, was never quite able to @@ -13022,7 +12924,7 @@ And his toes were inside of some towels. % The penis mightier than the sword. % -the perfect worman: +The perfect woman: Four feet tall, no teeth and a flat head so you can rest your drink. @@ -13106,7 +13008,7 @@ length of sheet you have to pull out of your ass. The randy old Bey of Algiers Who'd confined his cock-poking to queers, Tried a cunt for a change, - And remarked : "It felt strange ... + And remarked: "It felt strange ... Just think what I've missed all these years!" % The real problem with fucking a sheep is that you have to walk around @@ -13144,7 +13046,7 @@ Said, "Fuck that, you old Sunday School Teacher!" % The REVERSE function works on the opposite SEXPR. % -The rich man uses vaseline, +The rich man uses Vaseline, The poor man uses lard; The worker uses axle grease But gets it twice as hard. @@ -13364,7 +13266,7 @@ The whole religious complexion of the modern world is due to the absence from Jerusalem of a lunatic asylum. -- Havelock Ellis % -"The whole world is about three drinks behind." +The whole world is about three drinks behind. -- Humphrey Bogart % The wife of young Richard of Limerick @@ -13387,6 +13289,7 @@ The word "spine" is, of course, an anagram of "penis". This is true in almost fifty percent of the languages of the Galaxy, and many people have attempted to explain why. Usually these explanations get bogged down in silly puns about "standing erect". + -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" % The work of Mess Sergeant Potgieter Is not merely reading a meter. @@ -13408,7 +13311,7 @@ He lived on the cheese that he scraped from his dink. He ate it with glee- Was there ever a fellow so happy as he? -This charming old chap had a sister as well : +This charming old chap had a sister as well: She was ugly and gaunt, with a horrible smell. Her cunt was so dirty It stank like a beast, @@ -13551,7 +13454,7 @@ I've had my pecker in for a long time!" There is a definite parallel between shots of tequila and a woman's breasts. One is not enough and three are too many. % -"There is a God, but He drinks." +There is a God, but He drinks. -- Blore % There is a new model of car being sold in San Francisco -- @@ -13939,7 +13842,7 @@ Czech: Hey, out there in the street, a Swiss soldier knocked me down and Desk Sergeant: Come again? Czech: Right out there in the street, a Swiss soldier knocked me down and took my Russian watch. -DS: You're confused. Why would there be a Swiss soldier here? And who +DS: You're confused. Why would there be a Swiss soldier here? And who would want to own a Russian watch? It was a Russian soldier who knocked you down and took your Swiss watch, right? Czech: Well, maybe, but you said it, not me. @@ -14125,14 +14028,14 @@ Three women always hang their laundry out in the backyard. When it rains, however, the laundry always gets wet. All the laundry, that is, except for Laurie's. Laurie never seems to have her laundry out when it rains. So, one day, they are all out in the backyard putting their clothes -on the line when one of the women says to Laurie, "Laurie, how come when it +on the line when one of the women says to Laurie, "Laurie, how come it never rains when you have your laundry out?" "Well," replies Laurie, "when I wake up in the morning, I check out my husband Paul. If his penis is hanging over his right leg, I know it's going to be a great day. If his penis is hanging over his left leg, I know it might rain. I don't know why it works, but he's never been wrong!" "Laurie, what if he has an erection?" asks the other woman. - "Honey, on a day like *that*, you don't do the *laundry." + "Honey, on a day like *that*, you don't do the *laundry*." % Three young women were attending the same logic class given at one of the better universities. During a lecture the professor stated that he was @@ -14592,7 +14495,7 @@ Vidi, vici, veni. Viennese Oyster: Lady who can cross her feet behind her head, lying on her back, of course. When she has done so, you hold her tightly round each instep with your full hand and squeeze, lying on her full-length. Don't try to put -an unsupple partner into this position -- it can't be achieved by brute force. +an unsupple partner into this position -- it can't be achieved by brute force. You can get a very similar sensation -- unique rocking pelvic movement -- with less expertise if she crosses her ankles on her tummy, knees to shoulders, and you lie on her crossed ankles with your full weight. Why "Viennese" we don't @@ -14641,7 +14544,7 @@ But since I stuck your daughter, I've had trouble passin' water, So I guess we're kind of even all around! % -wasp, n: +WASP, n.: Someone who gets out of the shower to take a piss. % Watch out for a cold wave this week. (Or maybe a warm WAC.) @@ -14710,10 +14613,6 @@ We came, we saw, we kicked its ass! We don't have to protect the environment -- the Second Coming is at hand. -- James Watt, noted ecologist % -"We don't have to protect the environment -- the Second Coming is at -hand." - -- James Watt -% We drove to the hotel and said goodbye. How hypocritical to go upstairs with a man you don't want to fuck, leave the one you do sitting there alone, and then, in a state of great excitement, fuck the one you don't want to @@ -15040,8 +14939,8 @@ but promise to have it up in 15 minutes. What few people realize is that the poor man was in the bathroom all night, masturbating furiously, muttering "I just don't understand, it passes all the diagnostics!" % -"We've got things well in hand." - -- Master Byte Software, Los Gatos California. +We've got things well in hand. + -- Master Byte Software, Los Gatos California % We've just received the results of a survey conducted to ascertain the various reasons men get out of bed in the middle of the night. According @@ -15207,7 +15106,7 @@ Give me a moron My father's out of Harvard With talented hands My brother's out of Yale I go bar-hopping Well the guy I took home last night And they say "Last call" Just got out of jail -I start shopping The way he grabbed and threw me +I start shopping The way he grabbed and threw me For a Neanderthal Oooo, it really got me hot But the way he growled and bit me The bigger they come I hoped he had his shots @@ -15258,8 +15157,8 @@ When the naive young lady asked the clerk in Le Sex Shoppe to show her his selection of vibrators, he brought out the two most popular ones. "The basic white plastic one here is twenty dollars," the clerk said. "The flesh-toned rubber models are thirty." - "I'm just not sure," the woman said, Then she noticed an eye-catching -item on the back shelf. "How much is that plaid one over there? + "I'm just not sure," the woman said, then she noticed an eye-catching +item on the back shelf. "How much is that plaid one over there?" "Uh, well, that's a pretty special one," said the clerk. "I couldn't sell you that one for less than a hundred." "I'll take it." @@ -15517,9 +15416,9 @@ handshake, followed by a remark designed to show you don't mind a bit, such as "I see you are a (name of a minority group)! Good!" -- Dave Barry, "The Stuff of Etiquette" % -"You and I as individuals can, by borrowing, live beyond our means, but +You and I as individuals can, by borrowing, live beyond our means, but only for a limited period of time. Why should we think that collectively, -as a nation, we are not bound by that same limitation?" +as a nation, we are not bound by that same limitation? -- Ronald Reagan % You are a tower of strength in the office, but only so-so in bed. @@ -15547,7 +15446,7 @@ You are witty, charming, handsome and above average in length. You better believe that marijuana can cause castration. Just suppose your girlfriend gets the munchies! % -"You can beat my meat, but you can't lick my sauce!" +You can beat my meat, but you can't lick my sauce! -- Boss' Ribs, Portland, Oregon % You can find sympathy, in the dictionary, right near shit and suicide. @@ -15563,7 +15462,7 @@ You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you can't pick your friend's nose. % You can't underestimate the power of fear. - -- Tricia Nixon + -- Tricia Nixon Cox % You come out of a woman and you spend the rest of your life trying to get back inside. @@ -15598,8 +15497,8 @@ You have to be a bastard to make it, and that's a fact. And the Beatles are the biggest bastards on earth. -- John Lennon % -"You have to regard everything I say with suspicion -- I may be trying -to bullshit you, or I may just be bullshitting you inadvertently." +You have to regard everything I say with suspicion -- I may be trying +to bullshit you, or I may just be bullshitting you inadvertently. -- J. Wainwright, Mathematics 140b % You know the Norplant thing? It's a new birth control device for women. diff --git a/games/fortune/datfiles/limerick b/games/fortune/datfiles/limerick index 4fecc3e7a7..c1dcbdd2d0 100644 --- a/games/fortune/datfiles/limerick +++ b/games/fortune/datfiles/limerick @@ -144,7 +144,7 @@ Invented a jack-off machine. And beat both his balls to a creame. % A cocksucking steno named Beeman -Remarked as she swallowed my semen : +Remarked as she swallowed my semen: "On my minuscule salary I must watch every calorie, So I get `ahead' eating you he-men!" @@ -217,7 +217,7 @@ Was sucking a cock on the jetty. Though not quite as good as spaghetti." % A delighted, incredulous bride -Remarked to her groom at her side : +Remarked to her groom at her side: "I never could quite Believe till tonight Our anatomies would coincide." @@ -340,7 +340,7 @@ And flavored his semen with cocoa. A geneticist living in Delft Scientifically played with himself, And when he was done - He labled it: son, + He labeled it: son, And filed him away on a shelf. % A gentleman, otherwise meek, @@ -351,7 +351,7 @@ To the maid, she was down for a week. -- Edward Gorey % A german composer named Bruckner -Remarked to a lady while fuckener : +Remarked to a lady while fuckener: "Less lento, my dear, With your cute little rear; I like a hot presto when muckener!" @@ -451,7 +451,7 @@ By his mouse-to-mouse resuscitation. A happy old hooker named Grace Once sponsored a cunt-lapping race. It was hard for beginners - To tell who were winners : + To tell who were winners: There were cunt hairs all over the place. % A hardware debugger named Court @@ -480,7 +480,7 @@ Once had an affair with a ghost. Cried, "Goodie, I feel it... almost." % A hidebound young virgin named Carrie -Would say, when the fellows got hairy : +Would say, when the fellows got hairy: "Keep your prick in your pants Till the end of this dance--" Which is why Carrie still has her cherry. @@ -706,7 +706,7 @@ Got a doctor to alter his dong. When he got there he found he was wrong. % A mathematician named Hall -Had a hexhedronical ball, +Had a hexahedronical ball, And the square of its weight Times his pecker's, plus eight, Was four-fifths of five-eighths of fuck-all. @@ -718,7 +718,7 @@ Has a hexahedronical ball, Is his phone number -- give him a call... % A mathematician named Klein -Thought the Mobius band was divine. +Thought the Moebius band was divine. Said he, "If you glue The edges of two, You'll get a weird bottle like mine! @@ -1032,10 +1032,10 @@ But I hope -- yes I do -- that I marry As the kind that you zoo-keepers carry." % A spunky young schoolboy named Fred -Used totoss off each night while in bed. +Used to toss off each night while in bed. Said his mother, "Dear lad, That's exceedingly bad-- -Jump in here with your mamma instead." +Jump in here with your mama instead." % A starship commander named Kirk Emerged from his cabin berserk. @@ -1226,7 +1226,7 @@ Discovered red spots on his tool. Just wipe off the lipstick, you fool." % A young bride and groom of Australia -Remarked as they joined genitalia : +Remarked as they joined genitalia: "Though the system seems odd, We are thankful that God Developed the genus Mammalia." @@ -1272,7 +1272,7 @@ A young maiden from France was no prude, She decided to dive in the nude, But her buddy, behind, Went out of his mind, -When he noticed where she was tatooed. +When he noticed where she was tattooed. % A young man by a girl was desired To give her the thrills she required, @@ -1319,7 +1319,7 @@ Tore a hole in his sister's best lingerie. To add incest to insult and injury. % A young polo-player of Berkeley -Made love to his sweetheart beserkly. +Made love to his sweetheart berserkly. In the midst of each chukker He would break off and fuck her Horizontally, laterally and verkeley. @@ -1412,7 +1412,7 @@ An ardent young man named Magruder Once wooed a girl nude in Bermuda. She thought it quite lewd To be wooed in the nude, -But magruder was shrewder, he screwed her. +But Magruder was shrewder, he screwed her. % An Argentine gaucho named Bruno Who said, "Fucking is one thing I do know. @@ -1502,17 +1502,17 @@ Made a synthetic ass for a friend, It was simply a bother -- no end. % An innocent maiden named Herridge -Was cruelly tricked ito marriage; +Was cruelly tricked into marriage; When she later found out What her spouse was about, She threw herself under a carriage. -- Edward Gorey % An inquisitive virgin named Dora -Asked the man who started to bore 'er : +Asked the man who started to bore 'er: "Do you mean birds and bees Go through antics like these, -To suppy us our fauna and flora?" +To supply us our fauna and flora?" % An irate young lady named Booker Told her husband, "You beast, I'm no hooker! @@ -1620,7 +1620,7 @@ Asked a supplicant priest of the pontiff, His holiness murmured, "Gut yontiff." % At a contest for farting in Butte -One lady's exertion was cute : +One lady's exertion was cute: It won the diploma For fetid aroma, And three judges were felled by the brute. @@ -1826,7 +1826,7 @@ And my, how his practice has grown! % There once was a Duchess of Beever Who slept with her golden retriever. - Said the potted old Duke : + Said the potted old Duke: "Such tricks make me puke! Were it not for her money, I'd leave her." % @@ -1836,8 +1836,8 @@ Whose cunt was incredibly huge. As he thunderously came: "Mon Dieu! Apres moi, le deluge!" % -There once was a fag of Khartoom -Who spent the night in a Lesbians room. +There once was a fag of Khartoum +Who spent the night in a Lesbian's room. They argued all night, Over who had the right, To do what, and with which, and to whom. @@ -1846,7 +1846,7 @@ There once was a fairy named Avers Who encircled his cock with lifesavers. Though buggers all claimed That their asses were maimed, -Sixy-niners all cheered the new flavors. +Sixty-niners all cheered the new flavors. % There once was a fellow named Bob Who in sexual ways was a snob. @@ -1888,7 +1888,7 @@ There once was a fencer named Fisk, Whose speed was incredibly brisk. So fast was his action, The Fitzgerald contraction, -Foreshortended his foil to a disk. +Foreshortened his foil to a disk. % There once was a fiesty young terrier Who liked to bite girls on the derriere. @@ -2261,7 +2261,7 @@ Or a breeches-buoy swung from the masthead. There once was a Scot named McAmeter With a tool of prodigious diameter. It was not the size - That cause such surprise; + That caused such surprise; 'Twas his rhythm -- iambic pentameter. % There once was a son-of-a-bitch, @@ -2401,7 +2401,7 @@ Who'd a really enormous vagina, And used it for docking a liner. % There was a fat man from Rangoon -Whose prick was much like a ballon. +Whose prick was much like a balloon. He tried hard to ride her And when finally inside her She thought she was pregnant too soon. @@ -3341,7 +3341,7 @@ There was a young lady from Norway Who hung by her heels in a doorway. She told her young man, "Get off the divan, -I think I've discovered one more way " +I think I've discovered one more way" % There was a young lady from Prentice Who had an affair with a dentist. @@ -3358,8 +3358,8 @@ Lodged tight in her hole so it seems. There was a young lady from Rio Who slept with the Fornier trio. As she dropped her panties - She said, "No andanties -I want this allegro con brio." + She said, "No andantes, +I want this allegro con brio!" % There was a young lady from Siam Who said to her lover, one Kiam, @@ -3470,7 +3470,7 @@ Who, as the result of a wager, Of Mozart's quartet in F major. % There was a young lady named Ciss -Who said, "I think skating's a bliss " +Who said, "I think skating's a bliss" But she'll never restate, For a wheel off her skate .siht ekil gnihtemos pu hsinif reh edaM @@ -3574,7 +3574,7 @@ But if you got her alone, Oh God! % There was a young lady named May Who strolled in a park by the way, - And she met a youg man + And she met a young man Who fucked her and ran -- Now she goes to the park every day. % @@ -3684,7 +3684,7 @@ And God! how I wish it were me. There was a young lady of Dee Whose hymen was split into three. And when she was diddled - The middle string fiddled : + The middle string fiddled: "Nearer My God To Thee." % There was a young lady of Dexter @@ -4389,7 +4389,7 @@ There was a young physicist named Fisk Whose lovemaking was rather brisk. So quick was his action, The Lorentz Contraction -Shortened his rod to a disc !! +Shortened his rod to a disc! % There was a young plumber named Lee Who was plumbing his girl by the sea. @@ -4570,7 +4570,7 @@ Who would not pay a whore what he owed her. And pissed in his whiskey-and-soda. % There was an old curate of Hestion -Who'd errect at the slightest suggestion. +Who'd erect at the slightest suggestion. But so small was his tool He could scarce screw a spool, And a cunt was quite out of the question. @@ -4716,7 +4716,7 @@ And secretly finger his dong. There was an old man of St. Bees, Who was stung in the arm by a wasp. When asked, "Does it hurt?" - He relied, "No, it doesn't. + He replied, "No, it doesn't. I'm so glad that it wasn't a hornet." -- W. S. Gilbert % @@ -4775,7 +4775,7 @@ Who attempted an anthropoid ravish. And the anthropoid ravished McTavish. % There was an old whore from Silesia -Who'd croke: "If my box doesn't please ya, +Who'd croak: "If my box doesn't please ya, For a slight extra sum You can go up my bum But watchout or my tapeworm'll seize ya." @@ -4952,7 +4952,7 @@ Your cunt is as big as a dish!" With your limp little tool It's like driving a nail with a fish!" % -To his bride said a numskull named Clarence : +To his bride said a numskull named Clarence: "I trust you will show some forbearance. My sexual habits I picked up from rabbits, @@ -5002,7 +5002,7 @@ Fished, hidden in deep shore-grass, Your sinkers -- they're banging my ass." % Two eager young men from Cawnpore -Once buggared and fucked the same whore. +Once buggered and fucked the same whore. But her partition split And the blood and the shit Rolled out in a mess on the floor. @@ -5032,7 +5032,7 @@ Dispar modus testicularum: Jam fecerat altera clarum. % We dedicate this to the cunt, -The kind the broad-minded guys hunt : +The kind the broad-minded guys hunt: All hail to the twat, Willing, thrilling, and hot, That wears peckers down, limp and blunt! @@ -5050,7 +5050,7 @@ Who'd been bedded and banged in the palace, She replied, "He's a jolly good phallus!" % When you fuck little Annie in Anza -You get a great bossom bonanza: +You get a great bosom bonanza: Sucking Annie's soft tits Makes her throw fifty fits, And the fuck is a sextravaganza! @@ -5118,7 +5118,7 @@ To a guard he cried, "Hey, man, you're cute. And then I shall blow on your flute." % You've heard of the bishop of Birmingham, -Well, here's the new story concerning 'im : +Well, here's the new story concerning 'im: He buggers the choir As they sing "Ave Maria," And fucks all the girls whilst confirming 'em. diff --git a/games/fortune/datfiles/murphy b/games/fortune/datfiles/murphy index ed2dc62d8a..d1c5edc669 100644 --- a/games/fortune/datfiles/murphy +++ b/games/fortune/datfiles/murphy @@ -89,7 +89,7 @@ the conclusions aren't likely to be very good. The organization of any program reflects the organization of the people who developed it. % -There is no such thng as a "dirty capitalist", +There is no such thing as a "dirty capitalist", only a capitalist. % Anything is possible, but nothing is easy. @@ -166,7 +166,7 @@ If at first you don't succeed, transform your dataset. % Any given program, when running, is obsolete. % -Any given program cost more and take longer. +Any given program costs more and takes longer. % If a program is useful, it will be changed. % @@ -183,8 +183,8 @@ Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capability of the programmer who must maintain it. % Make it possible for programmers to write programs -in english and you will find that programmers cannot -write in english. +in English and you will find that programmers cannot +write in English. % When more and more people are thrown out of work, unemployment results. @@ -240,7 +240,7 @@ Real programmers don't grumble about the disadvantages of Cobol when they don't know any other language. % Definition of an elephant: -A mouse built to goverment specifications. +A mouse built to government specifications. % Real programmers are kind to rookies. % @@ -313,7 +313,7 @@ Real programmers don't write memos. Real programmers know what saad means. % Real programmers do not utter profanities at an elevated -decible level. +decibel level. % Where you stand on an issue depends on where you sit. % @@ -387,7 +387,7 @@ the narrower the seats. % If you have to ask, you are not entitled to know. % -If on an actuarial basis there is a 50 50 chance that +If on an actuarial basis there is a 50/50 chance that something will go wrong, It will actually go wrong nine times out of ten. % @@ -416,7 +416,7 @@ you shouldn't have asked the question. Do not believe in miracles -- rely on them. % You can't expect to hit the jackpot -if you don't put a few nickles in the machine. +if you don't put a few nickels in the machine. % Unless you intend to kill him immediately; never kick a man in the balls, not even symbolically or perhaps especially @@ -501,7 +501,7 @@ is in inverse proportion to the attendance. The sun goes down just when you need it the most. % Pure drivel tends to drive ordinary -drivel off the tv screen. +drivel off the TV screen. % Whatever creates the greatest inconvenience for the largest number must happen. @@ -579,7 +579,7 @@ screw it up. It is better for civilization to be going down the drain, than to be coming up it. % -A $300.00 picture tube will protect a 10› fuse by blowing +A $300.00 picture tube will protect a 10c fuse by blowing first. % Justice always prevails... diff --git a/games/fortune/datfiles/startrek b/games/fortune/datfiles/startrek index f29be56599..276b1e4719 100644 --- a/games/fortune/datfiles/startrek +++ b/games/fortune/datfiles/startrek @@ -78,7 +78,7 @@ the other side of the coin" Change is the essential process of all existence. -- Spock, "Let That Be Your Last Battlefield", stardate 5730.2 % -Compassion -- that's the one things no machine ever had. Maybe it's +Compassion -- that's the one thing no machine ever had. Maybe it's the one thing that keeps men ahead of them. -- McCoy, "The Ultimate Computer", stardate 4731.3 % @@ -268,7 +268,7 @@ hers. -- Spock, "Amok Time", stardate 3372.7 % It would be illogical to assume that all conditions remain stable. - -- Spock, "The Enterprise" Incident", stardate 5027.3 + -- Spock, "The Enterprise Incident", stardate 5027.3 % It would be illogical to kill without reason -- Spock, "Journey to Babel", stardate 3842.4