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3 My Favorite Drugs [Sung to My Favorite Things]
4Reefers and roach clips and papers and rollers
5Cocaine and procaine for twenty year molars
6Reds and peyote to work out your bugs
7These are a few of my favorite drugs.
9Uppers and downers and methedrine freakout
10Take some amphetamines, watch your brains leak out
11Acid and mescaline pull out your plugs
12These are a few of my favorite drugs.
14Backs that are perfect for carrying monkeys
15Users of heroin, often called junkies
16Methadone helps then to stop being thugs
17Takes them off one of my favorite drugs.
19 On a bad trip
20 When the cops come
21 When I lose my head
22 I simply take more of my favorite drugs
23 And then I'm not sad -- I'm dead!
26"Sally", the department's new inflatable doll, is available on a
27short-term removal basis only -- please sign her out and return her
28promptly to avoid extended waits. (We are still awaiting shipment of
29our "Big John" doll.)
31 ... But among the children of the Great Society there were
32those whose skins were black. And lo! Their portion was niggardly,
33and of the fatted calf they were sucking hind teat....
34 Now it came to pass that a prophet rose up amongst them, and
35they called him King. And he went unto Pharaoh and said, "Let my
36people go to the front of the bus."
37 But Pharaoh answered: "In the fullness of time and with all
38deliberate speed shall this thing come to pass. When ye shall prove
39yourselves worthy, shall ye have your just portion -- yea, verily, like
40unto a snowball in Hell."
41 -- "The Begatting of a President"
43 And Jesus said unto them, "And whom do you say that I am?"
44 They replied, "You are the eschatological manifestation of the
45ground of our being, the ontological foundation of the context of our
46very selfhood revealed."
47 And Jesus replied, "What?"
49 "God built a compelling sex drive into every creature, no
50matter what style of fucking it practiced. He made sex irresistibly
51pleasurable, wildly joyous, free from fears. He made it innocent
53 "Needless to say, fucking was an immediate smash hit. Everyone
54agreed, from aardvarks to zebras. All the jolly animals -- lions and
55lambs, rhinoceroses and gazelles, skylarks and lobsters, even insects,
56though most of them fuck only once in a lifetime -- fucked along
57innocently and merrily for hundreds of millions of years. Maybe they
58were dumb animals, but they knew a good thing when they had one."
59 -- Alan Sherman, "The Rape of the A*P*E*"
61 In the beginning was the DEMO Project. And the Project was
62without form. And darkness was upon the staff members thereof. So
63they spake unto their Division Head, saying, "It is a crock of shit,
64and it stinks."
66 And the Division Head spake unto his Department Head, saying,
67"It is a crock of excrement and none may abide the odor thereof." Now,
68the Department Head spake unto his Directorate Head, saying, "It is a
69container of excrement, and is very strong, such that none may abide
70before it." And it came to pass that the Directorate Head spake unto
71the Assistant Technical Director, saying, "It is a vessel of fertilizer
72and none may abide by its strength."
74 And the assistant Technical Director spake thus unto the
75Technical Director, saying, "It containeth that which aids growth and
76it is very strong." And, Lo, the Technical Director spake then unto
77the Captain, saying, "The powerful new Project will help promote the
78growth of the Laboratories."
80 And the Captain looked down upon the Project, and He saw that
81it was Good!
83 Overheard in a bar:
84Man: "Hey, Baby, I'd sure like to get in your pants!"
85Woman: "No, thanks, I've already got one ass-hole in there now."
87 The big problem with pornography is defining it. You can't
88just say it's pictures of people naked. For example, you have these
89primitive African tribes that exist by chasing the wildebeest on foot,
90and they have to go around largely naked, because, as the old tribal
91saying goes: "N'wam k'honi soit qui mali," which means, "If you think
92you can catch a wildebeest in this climate and wear clothes at the same
93time, then I have some beach front property in the desert region of
94Northern Mali that you may be interested in."
95 So it's not considered pornographic when National Geographic
96publishes color photographs of these people hunting the wildebeest
97naked, or pounding one rock onto another rock for some primitive reason
98naked, or whatever. But if National Geographic were to publish an
99article entitled "The Girls of the California Junior College System
100Hunt the Wildebeest Naked," some people would call it pornography. But
101others would not. And still others, such as the Spectacularly Rev.
102Jerry Falwell, would get upset about seeing the wildebeest naked.
103 -- Dave Barry, "Pornography"
105 The defense attorney was hammering away at the plaintiff: "You
106claim," he jeered, "that my client came at you with a broken bottle in
107his hand. But is it not true, that you had something in YOUR hand?"
109 "Yes," he admitted, "his wife. Very charming, of course, but
110not much good in a fight."
112 The Gray-haired Woman's Complaint
114My back aches, my pussy is sore;
115I simply can't fuck any more;
116 I'm covered with sweat,
117 And you haven't come yet,
118And my God, it's a quarter to four!
120 Them Toad Suckers
122How 'bout them toad suckers, ain't they clods?
123Sittin' there suckin' them green toady frogs!
125Suckin' them hop toads, suckin' them chunkers,
126Suckin' them a leapy type, suckin' them flunkers.
128Look at them toad suckers, ain't they snappy?
129Suckin' them bog frogs sure make's 'em happy!
131Them hugger mugger toad suckers, way down south,
132Stickin' them sucky toads in they mouth!
134How to be a toad sucker, no way to duck it,
135Get yourself a toad, rear back, and suck it!
136 -- Mason Williams
138 Two little kids, aged six and eight, decide it's time to learn
139how to swear. So, the eight-year-old says to the six-year-old, "Okay,
140you say `ass' and I'll say `hell'".
141 All excited about their plan, they troop downstairs, where
142their mother asks them what they'd like for breakfast.
143 "Aw, hell," says the eight-year-old, "gimme some Cheerios."
144His mother backhands him off the stool, sending him bawling out of the
145room, and turns to the younger brother. "What'll you have?"
146 "I dunno," quavers the six-year-old, "but you can bet your ass
147it ain't gonna be Cheerios."
149 "What the hell are you getting so upset about? I thought you
150didn't believe in God."
151 "I don't," she sobbed, bursting violently into tears, "but the
152God I don't believe in is a good God, a just God, a merciful God. He's
153not the mean and stupid God you make Him out to be."
154 -- Joseph Heller, "Catch-22"
156 When the surgeon came to see her on the morning after her
157operation, the young woman asked her somewhat hesitantly how long it
158would be before she could resume her sex life. "I really haven't
159thought about it," gulped the stunned surgeon. "You're the first
160patient who's asked me that after a tonsillectomy!"
162 The Split-Atom Blues
164Gimme Twinkies, gimme wine,
165 Gimme jeans by Calvin Kline....
166But if you split those atoms fine,
167 Mama keep 'em off those genes of mine!
169Gimme zits, take my dough,
170 Gimme arsenic in my jelly roll....
171Call the devil and sell my soul,
172 But Mama keep dem atoms whole!
173 -- Milo Bloom, "Bloom County"
175... And then there's the guy who bought 20,000 bras, cut them in half,
176and sold 40,000 yamalchas with chin straps....
178... But the reward of a successful collaboration is a thing that cannot
179be produced by either of the parties working alone. It is akin to the
180benefits of sex with a partner, as opposed to masturbation. The latter
181is fun, but you show me anyone who has gotten a baby from playing with
182him or herself, and I'll show you an ugly baby, with just a whole bunch
183of knuckles.
184 -- Harlan Ellison
187 69 with two fingers up your ass.
188 -- George Carlin
190... Let me tell you who the actual "front-runners" are. On one side,
191you have George Bush, who is currently going through a sort of
192fraternity hazing wherein he has to perform a series of humiliating
193stunts to win the approval of the Republican Right. For example, they
194had him make a speech oozing praise all over William Loeb, deceased
195publisher of the Manchester (N.H.) Union Leader and Slime Journalist.
196Loeb had dumped viciously all over George in the 1980 New Hampshire
197primary. But when the Right held a big tribute for Loeb, George came
198back to the fold, like a man with a bungee cord wrapped around his
200 -- Dave Barry, "The Twinkie and the Squid"
202... So this is a very confusing situation, and what makes it even worse
203is, our standards keep changing. Take Playboy magazine. Back in the
2041950s, when I started reading it strictly for the articles, Playboy was
205considered just about the raciest thing around, even though all it ever
206showed was women's breasts. Granted, any given one of these breasts
207would have provided adequate shelter for a family of four, but the
208overall effect was no more explicit than many publications we think
209nothing of today, such as Sports Illustrated's Annual Nipples Poking
210Through Swimsuits Issue.
211 -- Dave Barry, "Pornography"
213... The Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost would never throw the Devil
214out of Heaven as long as they still need him as a fourth for bridge.
215 -- Letter in NEW LIBERTARIAN NOTES #19
217A bather whose clothing was strewed
218By breezes that left her quite nude,
219 Saw a man come along
220 And, unless I'm quite wrong,
221You expected this line to be lewd.
223A beat schizophrenic said, "Me?
224I am not I, I'm a tree."
225 But another, more sane,
226 Shouted, "I'm a Great Dane!"
227And covered his pants leg with pee.
229A bureaucracy is like a septic tank -- all the really big shits float
230to the top.
232A Christian is a man who feels repentance on Sunday for what he did on
233Saturday and is going to do on Monday.
234 -- Thomas Ybarra
236A conservative is a man who believes that nothing should be done for
237the first time.
238 -- Alfred E. Wiggam
240A conservative is a man with two perfectly good legs who has never
241learned to walk.
242 -- Franklin D. Roosevelt
244A friend with weed is a friend indeed.
246A hard man is good to find.
248A man needs a mistress, just to break the monogamy.
250A mathematician named Hall
251Has a hexahedronical ball,
252 And the cube of its weight
253 Times his pecker's, plus eight
254Is his phone number -- give him a call.
256"A Mormon is a man that has the bad taste and the religion to do what a
257good many other people are restrained from doing by conscientious
258scruples and the police."
259 -- Mr. Dooley
261A Nixon [is preferable to] a Dean Rusk -- who will be passionately
262wrong with a high sense of consistency.
263 -- J. K. Galbraith
265A non-vegetarian anti-abortionist is a contradiction in terms.
266 -- Phyllis Schlafly
268A nymph hits you and steals your virginity.
270A person who has both feet planted firmly in the air can be safely
271called a liberal.
273A pretty young lady named Vogel
274Once sat herself down on a molehill.
275 A curious mole
276 Nosed into her hole --
277Ms. Vogel's ok, but the mole's ill.
279A pretty young maiden from France
280Decided she'd "just take a chance."
281 She let herself go
282 For an hour or so
283And now all her sisters are aunts.
285A Puritan is someone who is deathly afraid that someone, somewhere, is
286having fun.
288A reactionary is a man whose political opinions always manage to keep
289up with yesterday.
291A remarkable race are the Persians;
292They have such peculiar diversions.
293 They make love the whole day
294 In the usual way
295And save up the nights for perversions.
297A team playing baseball in Dallas
298Called the umpire blind out of malice.
299 While this worthy had fits
300 The team made eight hits
301And a girl in the bleachers named Alice.
303A wanton young lady from Wimley
304Reproached for not acting quite primly
305 Said, "Heavens above!
306 I know sex isn't love,
307But it's such an entrancing facsimile."
309A widow who fancied a man some
310Was diddled three times in a hansome.
311 When she clamored for more
312 Her young man became sore
313And exclaimed "My name's Simpson not Samson."
315"A woman is like a dresser ... some man always goin' through her
317 -- Blind Lemon Pledge
319A worried young man from Stamboul
320Founds lots of red spots on his tool.
321 Said the doctor, a cynic,
322 "Get out of my clinic;
323Just wipe off the lipstick, you fool!"
325Absinthe makes the tart grow fonder.
327"Acceptance without proof is the fundamental characteristic of Western
328religion, Rejection without proof is the fundamental characteristic of
329Western science."
330 -- Gary Zukav, "The Dancing Wu Li Masters"
332Achilles' Biological Findings:
333 (1) If a child looks like his father, that's heredity. If he
334 looks like a neighbor, that's environment.
335 (2) A lot of time has been wasted arguing over what came first
336 -- the chicken or the egg. It was undoubtedly the
337 rooster.
339A.I. hackers do it with robots.
341Aide to Raygun: Sir, the poor are outside protesting your budget
342 cuts.
343Raygun himself: Tell them they'll have to help themselves.
344Aide to Raygun: Sir, the Pentagon wants another $30 billion.
345Raygun himself: Tell them to help themselves.
347All a hacker needs is a tight PUSHJ, a loose pair of UUOs, and a warm
348place to shift.
350All the waters of the earth are in the armpit of the Great Frog.
351 -- R. Crumb
353All things dull and ugly, All creatures short and squat,
354 All things rude and nasty, The Lord God made the lot;
355Each little snake that poisons, Each little wasp that stings,
356 He made their brutish venom, He made their horrid wings.
357All things sick and cancerous, All evil great and small,
358 All things foul and dangerous, The Lord God made them all.
359Each nasty little hornet, Each beastly little squid.
360 Who made the spikey urchin? Who made the sharks? He did.
361All things scabbed and ulcerous, All pox both great and small.
362 Putrid, foul and gangrenous, The Lord God made them all.
363 -- Monty Python's Flying Circus
365America is a large, friendly dog in a very small room. Every time it
366wags its tail, it knocks over a chair.
367 -- Arnold Joseph Toynbee
369An architect fellow named Yoric
370Could, when feeling euphoric,
371 Display for selection
372 Three kinds of erection --
373Corinthian, ionic, and doric.
375An Army travels on her stomach.
377An egg has the shortest sex-life of all: it gets laid once; it gets
378eaten once. It also has to come in a box with 11 others, and the only
379person who will sit on its face is its mother.
381"And Bezel saideth unto Sham: `Sham,' he saideth, `Thou shalt goest
382unto the town of Begorrah, and there thou shalt fetcheth unto thine
383bosom 35 talents, and also shalt thou fetcheth a like number of cubits,
384provideth that they are nice and fresh.'"
385 -- Dave Barry, "Getting Religion"
387Anxiety, n.:
388 The first time you can't do it a second time.
390Panic, n.:
391 The second time you can't do it the first time.
393"Anything created must necessarily be inferior to the essence of the creator."
394 -- Claude Shouse
396"Einstein's mother must have been one heck of a physicist."
397 -- Joseph C. Wang
399"Approximately 80% of our air pollution stems from hydrocarbons
400released by vegetation, so let's not go overboard in setting and
401enforcing tough emissions standards from man-made sources."
402 -- Ronald Reagan
404As Rev. Spooner would say, you are a shining wit.
406Back in the good ole days in Texas, when stagecoaches and the like was
407popular, there were three people in a stagecoach one day: a true red-
408blooded born-and-raised Texas gentleman, a tenderfoot city-slicker from
409back East, and a beautiful and well-endowed Texas lady. The city-
410slicker kept eyeing the lady, and finally he leaned forward and said,
411"Lady, I'll give you $10 for a blow job." The Texas gentleman looked
412appalled, pulled out his pistol, and killed the city-slicker on the
413spot. The lady gasped and said, "Thank you, suh, for defendin' mah
414honor!" Whereupon the Texan holstered his gun and said, "Your honor,
415hell! No tenderfoot is gonna raise the price of women in Texas!"
417Baltimore, n.:
418 Where the women wear turtleneck sweaters to hide their flea
421Bankers do it with interest (penalty for early withdrawal).
423"Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think
424Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today?
426 (1) Writing his memoirs of the Civil War.
427 (2) Advising the President.
428 (3) Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin."
429 -- David Letterman
431Be prepared... that's the Boy Scout's solemn creed.
432Be prepared... to be clean in word and deed.
433Don't solicit for your sister, that's not nice,
434Unless you get a good percentage of her price ...
435 -- Tom Lehrer
437Behold the unborn fetus and
438 Weep salt tears crocodilian;
439All life is sacred (save, of course,
440 An enemy civilian).
442Being stoned on marijuana isn't very different from being stoned on
444 -- Ralph Nader
446Beneath this stone a virgin lies,
447For her life held no terrors.
448A virgin born, a virgin died:
449No hits, no runs, no errors.
451Beware of altruism. It is based on self-deception, the root of all
454Blessed are the meek for they shall inhibit the earth.
456Booze is the answer. I don't remember the question.
458Build a better mousetrap, the saying goes -- and with the brassiere,
459Yankee Ingenuity did exactly that. But their true stroke of genius was
460the new bait. The old fashioned mousetrap was loaded with cheese;
461nobody cares much about cheese, except mice. But when American
462Know-How reloaded the brassiere with tits, every heterosexual male in
463the country was hopelessly trapped.
464 -- Alan Sherman, "The Rape of the A*P*E*"
466"California is proud to be the home of the freeway."
467 -- Ronald Reagan
469"Can you hammer a 6-inch spike into a wooden plank with your penis?"
471"Uh, not right now."
473"Tsk. A girl has to have some standards."
474 -- "Real Genius"
476Captain Hook died of jock itch.
478Champagne don't make me lazy.
479Cocaine don't drive me crazy.
480Ain't nobody's business but my own.
481 -- Taj Mahal
483Chaste makes waste.
485Chipmunks roasting on an open fire
486Jack Frost ripping up your nose
487Yuletide carolers being thrown in the fire
488And folks dressed up like buffaloes
489Everybody knows a turkey slaughtered in the snow
490Helps to make the season right
491Tiny tots with their eyes all gouged out
492Will find it hard to see tonight
493They know that Santa's on his way
494He's loaded lots of guns and bullets on his sleigh
495And every mother's child is sure to spy
496To see if reindeer really scream when they die
497And so I'm offering this simple phrase
498To kids from one to ninety two
499Although it's been said many times, many ways
500Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Fuck you!!
502Christian, n.:
503 One who believes that the New Testament is a divinely inspired
504book admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbor. One who
505follows the teachings of Christ in so far as they are not inconsistent
506with a life of sin.
508Christianity has not been tried and found wanting; it has been found
509difficult and not tried.
510 -- G. K. Chesterton
512Clarke's Third Law:
513 Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from
516G's Third Law:
517 In spite of all evidence to the contrary, the entire universe
518is composed of only two basic substances: magic and bullshit.
520H's Dictum:
521 There is no magic....
523Claude believed that only smart attractive people had the right to
524fuck, and it sincerely hurt him when he discovered evidence to the
526 -- Tom Robbins
528CLONE OF MY OWN (to Home on the Range)
530Oh, give me a clone
531Of my own flesh and bone
532 With the Y chromosome changed to X.
533And when she is grown,
534My very own clone,
535 We'll be of the opposite sex.
538 Clone, clone of my own,
539 With the Y chromosome changed to X.
540 And when we're alone,
541 Since her mind is my own,
542 She'll be thinking of nothing but sex.
543 -- Randall Garrett
545Cocaine is nature's way of telling you you have too much money.
547Coito ergo sum
549College is like a woman -- you work so hard to get in, and nine months
550later you wish you'd never come.
552Communists do it without class.
554Condoms are like listening to a symphony with cotton in your ears.
556Conservative, n.:
557 One who admires radicals centuries after they're dead.
558 -- Leo C. Rosten
560Conserve energy -- make love more slowly.
562Cunnilingus is next to godliness.
564Dammit, how many times do I have to tell you? _____\b\b\b\b\bFIRST you rape, ____\b\b\b\bTHEN you
567Dear Lord, observe this bended knee
568This visage meek and humble,
569And hear this confidential plea
570Voiced in reverent mumble:
571 Give me Shylock, give me Fagin
572 But O God spare me Ronald Reagan!
573 -- Ansel Adams
575"Dear Mr. Seldes: I cannot remember the exact wording of the statement
576to which you allude; but what I meant was that ... a man who calls
577himself a 100% American and is proud of it, is generally 150% an idiot
578politically. But the designations may be good business for war
579veterans. Having bled for their country in 1861 and 1918, they have
580bled it all they could consequently. And why not?"
581 -- George Seldes, "The Great Quotations"
583Democracy can learn some things from Communism: for example, when a
584Communist politician is through, he is through.
586Democracy means simply the bludgeoning of the people by the people for
587the people.
588 -- Oscar Wilde
590Did you hear about the new German microwave oven?
592 ... Seats 500.
594Did you know that Spiro Agnew is an anagram of "Grow a Penis"?
596Did you know that there are 71.9 acres of nipple tissue in the U.S.?
598[District Attorneys] learn in District Attorney School that there are
599two sure-fire ways to get a lot of favorable publicity:
601(1) Go down and raid all the lockers in the local high school and
602 confiscate 53 marijuana cigarettes and put them in a pile and hold
603 a press conference where you announce that they have a street value
604 of $850 million. These raids never fail, because ALL high schools,
605 including brand-new, never-used ones, have at least 53 marijuana
606 cigarettes in the lockers. As far as anyone can tell, the locker
607 factory puts them there.
608(2) Raid an "adult book store" and hold a press conference where you
609 announce you are charging the owner with 850 counts of being a
610 piece of human sleaze. This also never fails, because you always
611 get a conviction. A juror at a pornography trial is not about to
612 state for the record that he finds nothing obscene about a movie
613 where actors engage in sexual activities with live snakes and a
614 fire extinguisher. He is going to convict the bookstore owner, and
615 vote for the death penalty just to make sure nobody gets the wrong
616 impression.
617 -- Dave Barry, "Pornography"
619Do something big -- fuck a giant
621"Do you cheat on your wife?" asked the psychiatrist.
622"Who else?" answered the patient.
624Doctors take two aspirin and do it in the morning.
626"Don't let your mouth write no check that your tail can't cash."
627 -- Bo Diddley
629Dope will get you through times of no money better that money will get
630you through times of no dope.
631 -- Gilbert Shelton
633Draft beer, not people
635Eat the rich -- the poor are tough and stringy.
637Eisenhower was very nice,
638Nixon was his only vice.
639 -- C. Degen
641Eleven reasons a cucumber is better than a man:
642 (1) Cucumbers can stay up all night, and you won't have to
643 sleep in the wet spot.
644 (2) Cucumbers don't play the guitar and try to find
645 themselves.
646 (3) You won't find out later that your cucumber (a) is
647 married, (b) is on penicillin, (c) likes you -- but loves
648 your brother!
649 (4) A cucumber won't care what time of the month it is.
650 (5) A cucumber never wants to get it on when your nails are
651 wet.
652 (6) Cucumbers don't say "Let's keep trying until we have a
653 boy".
654 (7) Cucumbers won't tell you size doesn't count.
655 (8) A cucumber won't leave you for a cheerleader or an ex-nun.
656 (9) Cucumbers don't fall asleep on your chest or drool on the
657 pillow.
658 (10) Cucumbers don't care if you make more money than they do.
659 (11) With a cucumber, the toilet seat is always the way you
660 left it.
662Equality is not when a female Einstein gets promoted to assistant
663professor; equality is when a female schlemiel moves ahead as fast as a
664male schlemiel.
665 -- Ewald Nyquist
667Evangelists do it with Him watching.
669"Even nowadays a man can't step up and kill a woman without feeling
670just a bit unchivalrous ..."
671 -- Robert Benchley
673Feminists say 60 percent of the country's wealth is in the hands of
674women. They're letting men hold the other 40 percent because their
675handbags are full.
676 -- Earl Wilson
678Fie for shame, you lascivious, lewd, lecherous, libidinous, lustful,
679licentious, dirty bum!!
681Floppy now, hard later.
683For those of you how have been looking for evidence that a working
684version of "Star Wars" can be built, consider the following proof
685offered by Caspar Weinberger:
687 "If such a system is so unattainable, why have the Soviets been
688 working desperately to get it for over 17 years?"
690 -- USA Today, 24 June 1986
692Fornication, n.:
693 Term used by people who don't have anybody to screw with.
695Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #25:
697Q: You say you had three men punching at you, kicking you, raping you,
698 and you didn't scream?
699A: No ma'am.
700Q: Does that mean you consented?
701A: No, ma'am. That means I was unconscious.
703George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but
704he also admitted doing it. Now, do you know why his father didn't
705punish him? Because George still had the axe in his hand.
707Getting an education at the University of California is like having
708$50.00 shoved up your ass, a nickel at a time.
710"Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company."
711 -- Mark Twain
713God gives us relatives; thank goodness we can chose our friends.
715God is an atheist.
717GOD is applied POWER
718 which is applied GOVERNMENT
719 which is applied POLITICS
720 which is applied ADVERTISING
721 which is applied SOCIOLOGY
722 which is applied PSYCHOLOGY
723 which is applied BIOLOGY
724 which is applied CHEMISTRY
725 which is applied PHYSICS
726 which is applied MATH
727 which is applied PHILOSOPHY
728 which is applied BULLSHIT
730"God is as real as I am," the old man said. My faith was restored, for
731I knew that Santa would never lie.
733"God is big, so don't fuck with him."
735God isn't dead -- he's been busted.
737God isn't dead, He's just trying to avoid the draft.
739God must love assholes -- She made so many of them.
741God wanted to have a holiday, so He asked St. Peter for suggestions on
742where to go.
743 "Why not go to Jupiter?" asked St. Peter.
744 "No, too much gravity, too much stomping around," said God.
745 "Well, how about Mercury?"
746 "No, it's too hot there."
747 "Okay," said St. Peter, "What about Earth?"
748 "No," said God, "They're such horrible gossips. When I was
749there 2000 years ago, I had an affair with a Jewish woman, and they're
750still talking about it."
752Good day for water sports. Take a bath with a friend.
754Grain grows best in shit.
755 -- Ursula K. LeGuin
757Gravity is an unforgiving motherfucker.
759Great Lover, n.:
760 A man who can breathe through his ears.
762Hackers do it with all sorts of characters.
764Hackers do it with bugs.
766Hackers do it with fewer instructions.
768Hackers know all the right MOVs.
770Haggis, n.:
771 Haggis is a kind of stuff black pudding eaten by the Scots and
772considered by them to be not only a delicacy but fit for human
773consumption. The minced heart, liver and lungs of a sheep, calf or
774other animal's inner organs are mixed with oatmeal, sealed and boiled
775in maw in the sheep's intestinal stomach-bag and ... Excuse me a minute....
777Hardly a pure science, history is closer to animal husbandry than it is
778to mathematics, in that it involves selective breeding. The principal
779difference between the husbandryman and the historian is that the
780former breeds sheep or cows or such, and the latter breeds (assumed)
781facts. The husbandryman uses his skills to enrich the future; the
782historian uses his to enrich the past. Both are usually up to their
783ankles in bullshit.
784 -- Tom Robbins
786Having discovered the possibility that other creatures could be used
787for sexual intercourse, early man was likely to have made many such
788attempts ... though it is doubtful that he was so sexually carnivorous
789as the Christian and Jewish Adam, who, rabbinical interpreters of the
790Old Testament tell us, had intercourse with every creature before God
791finally hit upon the idea of woman and created Eve.
792 -- R. E. Masters
794"He could be a poster child for retroactive birth control."
796He hated to mend, so young Ned
797Called in a cute neighbor instead.
798 Her husband said, "Vi,
799 When you stitched up his torn fly,
800Did you have to bite off the thread?"
802He wasn't much of an actor, he wasn't much of a Governor -- Hell, they
803_\bH_\bA_\bD to make him President of the United States. It's the only job he's
804qualified for!
805 -- Michael Cain
807He who findeth sensuous pleasures in the bodies of lush, hot, pink
808damsels is not righteous, but he can have a lot more fun.
810He who sneezes without a handkerchief takes matters into his own
813Her figure described a set of parabolas that could cause cardiac arrest
814in a yak.
815 -- Woody Allen
817Her kisses left something to be desired -- the rest of her.
819Here is the problem: for many years, the Supreme Court wrestled with
820the issue of pornography, until finally Associate Justice John Paul
821Stevens came up with the famous quotation about how he couldn't define
822pornography, but he knew it when he saw it. So for a while, the
823court's policy was to have all the suspected pornography trucked to
824Justice Stevens' house, where he would look it over. "Nope, this isn't
825it," he'd say. "Bring some more." This went on until one morning when
826his housekeeper found him trapped in the recreation room under an
827enormous mound of rubberized implements, and the court had to issue a
828ruling stating that it didn't know what the hell pornography was except
829that it was illegal and everybody should stop badgering the court about
830it because the court was going to take a nap.
831 -- Dave Barry, "Pornography"
833"Here's the holiday schedule for Monday's observation of Martin Luther
834King Jr.'s birthday, when the following will be closed:
836 * Governmental offices
837 * Post offices
838 * Libraries
839 * Schools
840 * Banks
841 * Parts of Palm Beach
843and the mind of Senator Jesse Helms of North Carolina."
844 -- Dennis Miller, "Saturday Night Live"
846"He's not pining, he's passed on! This parrot won't squawk! He's
847ceased to be! He's expired, and gone to meet his maker! It's a
848stiff! No breath of life, he may rest in peace! If you hadn't nailed
849him to the perch, he'd be pushing up the daisies! He's off the twig!
850He's kicked the bucket! He's curled up his tooties! He's shuffled off
851this mortal world! He's run down the curtain, and joined the bleed'n
852Choir Invincible! HE'S FUCKING SNUFFED IT! Vis-a-vi his metabolic
853processes is head is lost. All statements concerning this parrot is no
854longer a going concern, after from now on, Inoperative...
858History has the relation to truth that theology has to religion --
859i.e., none to speak of.
860 -- Lazarus Long
862"How do you like the new America? We've cut the fat out of the
863government, and more recently the heart and brain (the backbone was
864gone some time ago). All we seem to have left now is muscle. We'll be
865lucky to escape with our skins!"
867Howard Cosell's biggest protrusion is his asshole.
868 -- John Valby
870Hugh Hefner is a virgin.
872I am an atheist, thank God!
874I believe that Ronald Reagan will someday make this country what it
875once was ... an arctic wilderness
876 -- Steve Martin
878I came; I saw; I fucked up.
880I have a funny daddy
881Who goes in and out with me
882And everything that baby does
883Daddy's sure to see,
884And everything that baby says,
885My daddy's sure to tell.
886You _\bm_\bu_\bs_\bt have read my daddy's verse.
887I hope he fries in Hell.
888 -- Ogden Nash
890I love this fucking University, and this University loves fucking me.
892I once met a lassie named Ruth
893In a long distance telephone booth.
894 Now I know the perfection
895 Of an ideal connection
896Even if somewhat uncouth.
898"I own my own body, but I share."
900I realize that today you have a number of top female athletes such as
901Martina Navratilova who can run like deer and bench-press Chevrolet
902trucks. But to be brutally frank, women as a group have a long way to
903go before they reach the level of intensity and dedication to sports
904that enables men to be such incredible jerks about it.
905 -- Dave Barry, "Sports is a Drag"
907I regret to say that we of the F.B.I. are powerless to act in cases of
908oral-genital intimacy, unless it has in some way obstructed interstate
910 -- J. Edgar Hoover
912I think every good Christian ought to kick Falwell right in the ass.
913 -- Barry Goldwater
915I think pop music has done more for oral intercourse than anything else
916that has ever happened, and vice versa.
917 -- Frank Zappa
919I walked on toward Ploughwright, thinking about feces. What a lot we
920had found out about the prehistoric past from the study of fossilized
921dung of long-vanished animals. A miraculous thing, really; a recovery
922from the past from what was carelessly rejected. And in the Middle
923Ages, how concerned people who lived close to the world of nature were
924with the feces of animals. And what a variety of names they had for
925them: the Crotels of a Hare, the Friants of a Boar, the Spraints of
926an Otter, the Werderobe of a Badger, the Waggying of a Fox, the Fumets
927of a Deer. Surely there might be some words for the material so near
928to the heart of Ozy Froats [an academic studying feces] than shit?
929What about the Problems of a President, the Backward Passes of a
930Footballer, the Deferrals of a Dean, the Odd Volumes of a Librarian,
931the Footnotes of a Ph.D., the Low Grades of a Freshman, the Anxieties
932of an Untenured Professor?
933 -- Robertson Davies, "The Rebel Angels"
935I would like to suggest that you not use speed, and here's why: it is
936going to mess up your heart, mess up your liver, your kidneys, rot out
937your mind. In general this drug will make you just like your mother
938and father.
939 -- Frank Zappa
941I wouldn't mind dying -- it's that business of having to stay dead that
942scares the shit out of me.
943 -- R. Geis
945I'd like to meet the man who invented sex and see what he's working on
948If a child annoys you, quiet him by brushing his hair. If this doesn't
949work, use the other side of the brush on the other end of the child.
951If all these sweet young things were laid end-to-end, I wouldn't be a
952bit surprised.
953 -- Dorothy Parker
955"If anyone wants to trade a couple of centrally located, well-cushioned
956showgirls for an eroded slope 90 minutes from Broadway, I'll be on this
957corner tomorrow at 11 with my tongue hanging out."
958 -- S. J. Perelman
960If clear thinking created sparks, we could safely store dynamite in
961James Watt's office.
962 -- Wayne Shannon, KRON-TV
964"If God had wanted us to use the metric system, Jesus would have had 10
967If guns are outlawed, how will we shoot the liberals?
969If Helen Keller is alone in a forest and falls, does she make a sound?
971If men could get pregnant, abortion would be a sacrament.
973If Reagan is the answer, it must have been a VERY silly question.
975If someone were to ask me for a short cut to sensuality, I would
976suggest he go shopping for a used 427 Shelby-Cobra. But it is only
977fair to warn you that of the 300 guys who switched to them in 1966,
978only two went back to women.
979 -- Mort Sahl
981If the American dream is for Americans only, it will remain our dream
982and never be our destiny.
983 -- Ren'\be de Visme Williamson
985If you can believe ten impossible things before breakfast, then you
986should join
990The Church of Counterfactual Belief has been set up to cater to all who
991don't allow demonstrable truth to get in the way of their beliefs. In
992addition to creation science and the flatness of the earth, the
993following beliefs have been certified by Pope Duane as Church dogma:
995 -- That there is a hole in the Earth at the North Pole from which
996 UFOs come.
997 -- That pi equals precisely 3.000.
998 -- That sex can be enjoyed only by blacks and homosexuals.
999 -- That Billy Joe Wilson (Hoopla, Miss.) has successfully squared
1000 the circle.
1001 -- That Harry Truman is still president, and doing a fine job.
1002 -- That pi equals precisely 22/7.
1004Several other important counterfactual beliefs are presently being
1005studied, including Reaganomics, A.I., and that the moon landings were
1006done in a Hollywood special effects studio. These will be the subject
1007of a forthcoming Papal Bull ...
1009If you meet somebody who tells you that he loves you more than anybody
1010in the whole wide world, don't trust him. It means he experiments.
1012If you think sex is a pain in the ass, try a different position.
1014"If you're a real good kid, I'll give you a piggy-back ride on a
1016 -- W. C. Fields
1018Ignorance is the Mother of Devotion.
1019 -- Robert Burton
1021I'm for peace -- I've yet to see a man wake up in the morning and say
1022"I've just had a good war."
1023 -- Mae West
1025I'm going to Iowa for an award. Then I'm appearing at Carnegie Hall,
1026it's sold out. Then I'm sailing to France to be honored by the French
1027government -- I'd give it all up for one erection.
1028 -- Groucho Marx
1030"In Christianity neither morality nor religion come into contact with
1031reality at any point."
1032 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
1034In the Garden of Eden sat Adam,
1035Massaging the bust of his madam,
1036 He chuckled with mirth,
1037 For he knew that on earth,
1038There were only two boobs and he had 'em.
1040Incest, n.:
1041 Sibling revelry.
1043"Is it just me, or does anyone else read `bible humpers' every time
1044someone writes `bible thumpers?'"
1045 -- Joel M. Snyder,
1047It is a sad commentary on today's society that this fortune has to be
1048classified as "offensive" simply because it contains the word "fuck".
1050"It says he made us all to be just like him. So if we're dumb, then
1051god is dumb, and maybe even a little ugly on the side."
1052 -- Frank Zappa
1054"It was a Roman who said it was sweet to die for one's country. The
1055Greeks never said it was sweet to die for anything. They had no vital
1057 -- Edith Hamilton, "The Greek Way"
1059"I've had one child. My husband wants to have another. I'd like to
1060watch him have another."
1062Jesus died for your sins. Make it worth his time.
1064"Jesus saves... but Gretzky gets the rebound!"
1065 -- Daniel Hinojosa
1067Jesus was killed by a Moral Majority.
1069John Birch Society -- that pathetic manifestation of organized
1071 -- Edward P. Morgan
1073Kasha, n.:
1074 Kasha is always defined as "buckwheat groats". There's only
1075one problem with this definition: what the fuck are "buckwheat
1076groats"? *_\bI* know what they are -- they're kasha. But that doesn't
1077help *___\b\b\byou* much.
1078 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
1080Kill a commie for Christ!
1082Laissez Faire Economics is the theory that if each acts like a vulture,
1083all will end as doves.
1085Large cats can be dangerous, but a little pussy never hurt anyone.
1087LET Jesus be YOUR anchor!
1089So when Satan rocks your boat, THROW Jesus overboard!
1091Life is like a penis: when it's soft you can't beat it, and when it's
1092hard you get fucked.
1094Lisp hackers have to be bound (to-do 'it)....
1096Living in Hollywood is like living in a bowl of granola. What ain't
1097fruits and nuts is flakes.
1099Love does not make the world go around, just up and down a bit.
1101Mathematicians do it in theory.
1103Mathematicians take it to the limit.
1105May a diseased yak take a liking to your sister.
1107May the fairy god-camel leave a lump on your pillow!
1109Mayor Vincent J. `Buddy' Cianci on the ACLU's suit to have a city
1110nativity scene removed:
1111 "They're just jealous because they don't have three wise men
1112and a virgin in the whole organization."
1114Megaton Man: "LOOK at them! Helpless, tender creatures, relying on
1115 ME, waiting for ME to make my move!"
1117(from below): "Move your ASS, Fat-head!"
1119Megaton Man: "It is a MANDATE, and I am DUTY BOUND to OBEY!"
1121Missionary Position:
1122 The missionary on top.
1124"Most legislators are so dumb that they couldn't pour piss out of a
1125boot if the instructions were printed on the heel."
1127Motto of the Electrical Engineer:
1128 Working computer hardware is a lot like an erect penis: it
1129stays up as long as you don't fuck with it.
1131My brother-in-law has found a way to make ends meet. He goes around
1132with his head stuck up his ass.
1134"My country, right or wrong," is a thing that no patriot would think of
1135saying except in a desperate case. It is like saying, "My mother,
1136drunk or sober."
1137 -- G. K. Chesterton
1139My father was a creole, his father a Negro, and his father a monkey; my
1140family, it seems, begins where yours left off.
1141 -- Alexandre Dumas, pere
1143No woman can call herself free until she can choose consciously whether
1144she will or will not be a mother.
1145 -- Margaret H. Sanger
1147"Not only is God dead, but just try to find a plumber on weekends."
1148 -- Woody Allen
1150Nothing is better than Sex.
1151Masturbation is better than nothing.
1152Therefore, Masturbation is better than Sex.
1154Nuke the gay, unborn, baby whales for Jesus.
1156Obscenity is the crutch of inarticulate motherfuckers.
1158Occident, n.:
1159 The part of the world lying west (or east) of the Orient. It
1160is largely inhabited by Christians, powerful sub-tribe of the
1161Hypocrites, whose principal industries are murder and cheating, which
1162they are pleased to call "war" and "commerce." These, also, are the
1163principal industries of the Orient.
1164 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
1166Ocean, n.:
1167 A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for
1168man -- who has no gills.
1170Once a young gay from Khartoum
1171Took a lesbian up to his room.
1172 They argued all night
1173 Over who had the right
1174To do what, and with which, and to whom.
1176Once upon a time, there was a non-conforming sparrow who decided not to
1177fly south for the winter. However, soon after the weather turned cold,
1178the sparrow changed his mind and reluctantly started to fly south.
1179After a short time, ice began to form his on his wings and he fell to
1180earth in a barnyard almost frozen. A cow passed by and crapped on this
1181little bird and the sparrow thought it was the end, but the manure
1182warmed him and defrosted his wings. Warm and happy the little sparrow
1183began to sing. Just then, a large Tom cat came by and hearing the
1184chirping investigated the sounds. As Old Tom cleared away the manure,
1185he found the chirping bird and promptly ate him.
1187There are three morals to this story:
1189(1) Everyone who shits on you is not necessarily your enemy.
1190(2) Everyone who gets you out of shit is not necessarily your friend.
1191(3) If you are warm and happy in a pile of shit, keep your mouth shut.
1193One day President Reagan, Chairman Andropov, the Pope, and a boy scout
1194were flying together in an airplane. Right out in the middle of
1195nowhere the plane developed engine trouble and started to go down.
1196Unfortunately, only three parachutes could be found for the four
1197passengers! Andropov grabbed one of the parachutes and declared
1198"Comrades, as leader of the socialist workers revolution, my life must
1199be spared," and he jumped out of the plane. Then Reagan exclaimed "As
1200leader of the greatest nation on earth, I must keep the world safe for
1201democracy," and with that he too jumped to safety. Now if you are
1202following all this (or counting on your fingers) you must see that
1203there is only one parachute left for the two remaining passengers. The
1204Pope looked kindly upon the boy scout and said "I have had a long and
1205productive life, my son. You take the parachute and leave me in God's
1206hands." "That's very kind of you," the observant scout replied, "but
1207there is no need. Reagan just jumped out with my knapsack."
1209"One Saturday afternoon, during the campaign to decide whether or not
1210there should be a Coastal Commission, I took a helicopter ride from Los
1211Angeles to San Diego. We passed several state beaches, some crowded
1212and some virtually empty. They had the same facilities, and in some
1213cases the crowded and the empty beach were within a quarter mile of
1214each other. Obviously many beach-goers prefer to be crowded together.
1215Buying more beaches that people won't go to because they prefer to be
1216crowded together on one beach is a ridiculous waste of our natural
1217resources and our taxes."
1218 -- Ronald Reagan
1220One thing I have no worry about is whether God exists. But it has
1221occurred to me that God has Alzheimer's and has forgotten we exist.
1222 -- Jane Wagner, "The Search for Signs of Intelligent
1223 Life in the Universe"
1225Opinions are like assholes -- everyone's got one, but nobody wants to
1226look at the other guy's.
1227 -- Hal Hickman
1229O'Riordan's Theorem:
1230 Brains x Beauty = Constant.
1232Purmal's Corollary:
1233 As the limit of (Brains x Beauty) goes to infinity,
1234availability goes to zero.
1236"Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear -- kept us in
1237a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor -- with the cry of grave
1238national emergency... Always there has been some terrible evil to
1239gobble us up if we did not blindly rally behind it by furnishing the
1240exorbitant sums demanded. Yet, in retrospect, these disasters seem
1241never to have happened, seem never to have been quite real."
1242 -- General Douglas MacArthur, 1957
1244Our [softball] team usually puts the other woman at second base, where
1245the maximum possible number of males can get there on short notice to
1246help out in case of emergency. As far as I can tell, our second
1247basewoman is a pretty good baseball player, better than I am, anyway,
1248but there's no way to know for sure because if the ball gets anywhere
1249near her, a male comes barging over from, say, right field, to deal
1250with it. She's been on the team for three seasons now, but the males
1251still don't trust her. They know, deep in their souls, that if she had
1252to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she
1253probably would elect to save the infant's life, without ever
1254considering whether there were men on base.
1255 -- Dave Barry, "Sports is a Drag"
1257People who develop the habit of thinking of themselves as world
1258citizens are fulfilling the first requirement of sanity in our time.
1259 -- Norman Cousins
1261Physicists do it with charm.
1263Politicians do it to everyone.
1265Posterity will ne'er survey
1266A nobler grave than this;
1267Here lie the bones of Castlereagh;
1268Stop, traveler, and piss.
1269 -- Lord Byron, on Lord Castlereagh
1271Procrastinators do it tomorrow.
1273Prostitution is the only business where you can go into the hole and
1274still come out ahead.
1276Q: How do you play religious roulette?
1277A: You stand around in a circle and blaspheme and see who gets struck
1278 by lightning first.
1280Q: How do you tell if an elephant has been making love in your
1281 backyard?
1282A: If all your trashcan liners are missing....
1284Q: How do you tell if you're making love to a nurse, a schoolteacher,
1285 or an airline stewardess?
1286A: A nurse says: "This won't hurt a bit." A schoolteacher says:
1287 "We're going to have to do this over and over again until we get it
1288 right." An airline stewardess says: "Just hold this over your
1289 mouth and nose, and breath normally."
1291Q: How many right-to-lifers does it take to change a light bulb?
1292A: Two. One to screw it in and one to say that light started when the
1293 screwing began.
1295Q: How many supply-siders does it take to change a light bulb?
1296A: None. The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself.
1298Q: How much money do you give to a 900 foot Jesus?
1299A: As much as he wants.
1301Q: If Tarzan was Jewish, and Jane was a princess, what would Cheetah
1302 be?
1303A: A fur coat.
1305Q: What do you do with an elephant with three balls?
1306A: Walk him and pitch to the rhino.
1308Q: What do you get when you cross James Dean with Ronald Reagan?
1309A: A rebel without a clue.
1311Q: What is "SMOORPLAY"?
1312A: It's what SMURFS do before they SMUCK, of course!
1314Q: What is the worst story Helen Keller ever read?
1315A: A cheese grater.
1317Q: What's Jewish foreplay?
1318A: Two hours of begging.
1320Q: Where can you buy black lace crotchless panties for sheep?
1321A: Fredrick's of Ithaca, New York.
1323Q: Where does virgin wool come from?
1324A: Ugly sheep.
1326Q: Why does Helen Keller masturbate with one hand?
1327A: So she can moan with the other!
1329"Queensboro president Donald Mannis, charged with receiving bribes in
1330exchange for city contracts, resigned on Tuesday. Mannis feels he must
1331devote more time to impending litigation, some of which might emanate
1332from a recent statement he made comparing New York Mayor Ed Koch to
1333Nazi Martin Bormann. A spokesman from the Bormann estate said they are
1334weighing the odds of a slander suit. Mayor Koch could naturally be
1335reached for comment, but we chose not to listen."
1336 -- Dennis Miller, "Saturday Night Live"
1338Randel, n.:
1339 A nonsensical poem recited by Irish schoolboys as an apology
1340for farting at a friend.
1341 -- Mrs. Byrne's Dictionary of Unusual, Obscure &
1342 Preposterous Words
1344Reagan can't _\ba_\bc_\bt, either.
1346Remember when you were a kid and the boys didn't like the girls? Only
1347sissies liked girls? What I'm trying to tell you is that nothing's
1348changed. You think boys grow out of not liking girls, but we don't
1349grow out of it. We just grow horny. That's the problem. We mix up
1350liking pussy for liking girls. Believe me, one couldn't have less to
1351do with the other.
1352 -- Jules Feiffer
1354Republicans consume three-fourths of the rutabaga produced in this
1355country. The remainder is thrown out.
1357Republicans raise dahlias, Dalmatians and eyebrows.
1358Democrats raise Airedales, kids and taxes.
1360Democrats eat the fish they catch.
1361Republicans hang them on the wall.
1363Republican boys date Democratic girls. They plan to marry Republican
1364girls, but feel they're entitled to a little fun first.
1366Democrats make up plans and then do something else.
1367Republicans follow the plans their grandfathers made.
1369Republicans consume three-fourths of the rutabaga produced in the USA.
1370The remainder is thrown out.
1372Republicans sleep in twin beds -- some even in separate rooms.
1373That is why there are more Democrats.
1374 -- The Official Rules, as compiled by Paul Dickson
1376Republicans tend to keep their shades drawn, although there is seldom
1377any reason why they should. Democrats ought to, but don't.
1379Ronald Reagan -- America's favorite placebo
1381Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life:
1383(1) The greatest threat to the human spirit is liberalism.
1385 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc.
1387Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life:
1389(10) Liberalism poisons the soul.
1391 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc.
1393Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life:
1395(11) Neither the United States, nor anyone else, "imposes" freedom on
1396 the people of other nations. Freedom is not an imposition.
1398 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc.
1400Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life:
1402(12) Freedom is God-given.
1404 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc.
1406Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life:
1408(13) To dictatorships, peace means the absence of opposition.
1410 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc.
1412Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life:
1414(14) To free people, peace means the absence of threat.
1416 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc.
1418Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life:
1420(15) The Peace Movement in the United States was, whether by accident or
1421 design, pro-communist.
1423 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc.
1425Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life:
1427(16) The collective knowledge and wisdom of seasoned citizens is the
1428 most valuable, yet untapped, resource our young people have.
1430 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc.
1432Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life:
1434(17) The greatest football team in the history of civilization was the
1435 Pittsburgh Steelers of 1975 through 1980.
1437 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc.
1439Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life:
1441(18) There is no such thing as "war atrocities." War is an atrocity.
1443 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc.
1445Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life:
1447(19) Regardless of the pain in our memories, nostalgia only reminds us
1448 of the good times in our past.
1450 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc.
1452Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life:
1454(2) The single greatest threat to the free people of the world is posed
1455 by the heinous idea of centralized government control.
1457 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc.
1459Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life:
1461(20) There is a God.
1463 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc.
1465Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life:
1467(21) Abortion is wrong.
1469 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc.
1471Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life:
1473(22) Morality is not defined by individual choice.
1475 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc.
1477Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life:
1479(23) Evolution cannot explain creation.
1481 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc.
1483Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life:
1485(24) Feminism was established so that unattractive women could have
1486 easier access to the mainstream of society.
1488 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc.
1490Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life:
1492(25) Love is the only human emotion which cannot be controlled. You
1493 either do or you don't. You can't fake it. (Except women, and
1494 thank God they can.)
1496 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc.
1498Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life:
1500(26) The only difference between Mikhail Gorbachev and previous Soviet
1501 leaders is that he is alive.
1503 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc.
1505Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life:
1507(27) Soviet leaders were actually left-wing dictators.
1509 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc.
1511Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life:
1513(28) Abraham Lincoln saved this nation.
1515 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc.
1517Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life:
1519(29) The Los Angeles Raiders will never be the team they were when they
1520 called Oakland home.
1522 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc.
1524Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life:
1526(3) Peace does not mean the elimination of nuclear weapons.
1528 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc.
1530Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life:
1532(30) The United States will again go to war.
1534 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc.
1536Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life:
1538(31) To more and more American intellectuals, a victorious United States
1539 is a sinful United States.
1541 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc.
1543Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life:
1545(32) The fact that American intellectuals rue a victorious United States
1546 is frightening and ominous.
1548 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc.
1550Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life:
1552(33) There will always be poor people.
1554 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc.
1556Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life:
1558(34) The fact that there will always be poor people is not the fault of
1559 the rich.
1561 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc.
1563Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life:
1565(35) Rather than feel guilty as some do, you should thank God for making
1566 you an American.
1568 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc.
1570Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life:
1572(4) Peace does not mean the absence of war.
1574 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc.
1576Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life:
1578(5) War is not obsolete.
1580 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc.
1582Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life:
1584(6) Ours is a world governed by the aggressive use of force.
1586 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc.
1588Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life:
1590(7) There is only one way to eliminate nuclear weapons. Use them.
1592 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc.
1594Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life:
1596(8) Peace cannot be achieved merely by developing an "understanding"
1597 among peoples.
1599 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc.
1601Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life:
1603(9) Americans opposing America is not always sacred nor courageous ...
1604 it is sometimes dangerous.
1606 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc.
1608Said a horny young girl from Milpitas,
1609"My favorite sport is coitus."
1610 But a fullback from State
1611 Made her period late,
1612And now she has athlete's fetus.
1614Said a swinging young chick named Lyth
1615Whose virtue was largely a myth,
1616 "Try as hard as I can,
1617 I can't find a man
1618That it's fun to be virtuous with."
1620Said Einstein, "I have an equation
1621Which to some may seem rabelaisian:
1622 Let _\bV be virginity
1623 Approaching infinity;
1624Let _\bP be a constant persuasion;
1626"Let _\bV over _\bP be inverted
1627With the square root of _\bM_\bu inserted
1628 _\bN times into _\bV....
1629 The result, Q.E.D.,
1630Is a relative!" Einstein asserted.
1632Save Soviet Jewry -- Win Valuable Prizes!!!!
1634Sex is like a bridge game -- If you have a good hand no partner is
1637Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation ... the other eight
1638are unimportant.
1639 -- Henry Miller
1641Sex is the poor man's opera.
1642 -- G. B. Shaw
1644She asked me if I loved her still. "Yes," I replied. "I've never had
1645you any other way."
1647She hates testicles, thus limiting the men she can admire to Democratic
1648candidates for president.
1649 -- John Greenway, "The American Tradition", on feminist
1650 Elizabeth Gould Davis
1652Sooner or later, generals will own you.
1654Statisticians do it with 95% confidence.
1656Statisticians probably do it.
1658Subpoena, n.:
1659 From the root "sub", below, and the Latin "poena" for male
1660organ or penis. Therefore, "below the penis" or "by the balls."
1662Support the right of unborn males to bear arms!
1663 -- A public service announcement from Phyllis Schlafly,
1664 the Catholic Church, and the National Rifle
1665 Association
1667Sure eating yogurt will improve your sex life. People know that if
1668you'll eat that stuff, you'll eat anything.
1670Sure, Reagan has promised to take senility tests. But what if he
1673"Taxes should hurt. I just mailed my own tax return last night and I
1674am prepared to say `ouch!' as loud as anyone."
1675 -- Ronald Reagan
1677"The Army is a place where you get up early in the morning to be yelled
1678at by people with short haircuts and tiny brains."
1679 -- Dave Barry
1681The computer is the ultimate polluter: its shit is indistinguishable
1682from the food it produces.
1684The difference between this school and a cactus plant is that the
1685cactus has the pricks on the outside.
1687The man who said "A bird in the hand's worth two in the bush" has been
1688putting his bird in the *WRONG* bushes.
1690THE MX IS GOOD FOR THE ECONOMY. One important reason we have a Defense
1691Department is that when we give it money, it spends it, which creates
1692jobs, whereas if we left the money in the hands of civilians, we don't
1693know what they'd do with it. Probably put it in open trenches and set
1694it on fire. The MX will create an especially large number of jobs
1695because of the number of warheads it carries. It carries a total of 10
1696warheads. This creates a great deal of employment, because you have
1697your Warhead Makers, your Warhead Lifters, your Persons Who Tap the
1698Warheads Gently with Rubber Mallets to Wedge Them All Snugly Into the
1699Nose Cone, your Persons Who Just Walk Around Playing Soothing Cassettes
1700by Recording Artists such as Perry Como So We Don't Have Any More
1701Episodes Where a Worker Who is Experiencing Some Strain Sticks a
1702Warhead in the Employee Cafeteria Microwave and Sets It On Roast, etc.
1703We are talking about a lot of jobs.
1704 -- Dave Barry, "At Last, the Ultimate Deterrent Against
1705 Political Fallout"
1707The other night I was having sex, but the girl hung up on me.
1709The owner of a large furniture store in the mid-west arrived in France
1710on a buying trip. As he was checking into a hotel he struck up an
1711acquaintance with a beautiful young lady. However, she only spoke
1712French and he only spoke English, so each couldn't understand a word
1713the other spoke. He took out a pencil and a notebook and drew a
1714picture of a taxi. She smiled, nodded her head and they went for a
1715ride in the park. Later, he drew a picture of a table in a restaurant
1716with a question mark and she nodded, so they went to dinner. After
1717dinner he sketched two dancers and she was delighted. They went to
1718several nightclubs, drank champagne, danced and had a glorious
1719evening. It had gotten quite late when she motioned for the pencil and
1720drew a picture of a four-poster bed. He was dumbfounded, and has never
1721been able to understand how she knew he was in the furniture business.
1723The problem with being best man at a wedding is that you never get a
1724chance to prove it.
1726The real problem with fucking a sheep is that you have to walk around
1727in front every time you want to kiss her.
1729The reason we need the MX missile system is that the missiles we
1730currently have in the ground are the Minuteman model, which is very
1731old. The Defense Department can't even remember where half of them
1732are. Insects have built nests in them. People have built houses
1733directly over the silos. What this means, of course, is that if we
1734ever needed them to help obliterate all human life on the planet, they
1735could be a real embarrassment. I mean, maybe YOU'RE comfortable with
1736the prospect of missiles that are supposed to represent you barging
1737over the North Pole trailing shreds of polyester carpeting from some
1738recreation room in South Dakota, but your strategic defense planners
1739are not.
1740 -- Dave Barry, "At Last, the Ultimate Deterrent Against
1741 Political Fallout"
1743The sergeant walked into the shower and caught me giving myself a
1744dishonorable discharge. Without missing a beat, I said, "It's my dick
1745and I can wash it as fast as I want!"
1747"The State of California has no business subsidizing intellectual
1749 -- Ronald Reagan
1751The superpowers often behave like two heavily armed blind men feeling
1752their way around a room, each believing himself in mortal peril from
1753the other, whom he assumes to have perfect vision. Each tends to
1754ascribe to the other side a consistency, foresight and coherence that
1755its own experience belies. Of course, even two blind men can do
1756enormous damage to each other, not to speak of the room.
1757 -- Henry Kissinger
1759The United States Army:
1760194 years of proud service,
1761unhampered by progress.
1763The United States is like the guy at the party who gives cocaine to
1764everybody and still nobody likes him.
1765 -- Jim Samuels
1767"The voters have spoken, the bastards...."
1769"The whole world is about three drinks behind."
1770 -- Humphrey Bogart
1772The word "spine" is, of course, an anagram of "penis". This is true in
1773almost fifty percent of the languages of the Galaxy, and many people
1774have attempted to explain why. Usually these explanations get bogged
1775down in silly puns about "standing erect".
1777The world is an 8000 mile in diameter spherical pile of shit.
1779There are also a lot of nice buildings in Haiphong. What their
1780contributions are to the war effort I don't know, but the desire to
1781bomb a virgin building is terrific.
1782 -- Commander Henry Urban Jr.
1784There are revolutions that are sweeping the world and we in America
1785have been in a position of trying to stop them. With all the wealth of
1786America, with all of the military strength of America, those
1787revolutions are revolutions against a form of political and economic
1788organization in the countries of Asia and the Middle East that are
1789oppressive. They are revolutions against feudalism. [1952]
1790 -- Supreme Court Justice William O. Douglas
1792There are three religious truths:
17931. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
17942. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the
1795 Christian faith.
17963. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or
1797 the adult book store.
1799There are two sides to every divorce: yours and the shithead's.
1801"There is a God, but He drinks."
1802 -- Blore
1804There once was a couple named Kelley,
1805Who lived their life belly to belly.
1806 Because in their haste
1807 They used Library Paste,
1808Instead of Petroleum Jelly.
1810There once was a feisty young terrier
1811Who liked to bite girls on the derriere.
1812 He'd yip and he'd yap,
1813 Then leap up and snap,
1814And the fairer the derriere the merrier.
1816There once was a freshman named Lin,
1817Whose tool was as thin as a pin,
1818 A virgin named Joan
1819 From a bible belt home,
1820Said, "This won't be much of a sin."
1822There once was a hacker named Ken
1823Who inherited truckloads of Yen
1824 So he built him some chicks
1825 Of silicon chips
1826And hasn't been heard from since then.
1828There once was a lady from Exeter,
1829So pretty that men craned their necks at her.
1830 One was even so brave
1831 As to take out and wave
1832The distinguishing mark of his sex at her.
1834There once was a man named Eugene
1835Who invented a screwing machine
1836 Concave and convex
1837 It served either sex
1838And it played with itself in between.
1840There once was a plumber from Leigh,
1841Who was plumbing his maid by the sea,
1842 Said she, "Please stop plumbing,
1843 I think someone's coming!"
1844Said he, "Yes I know love, it's me."
1846There once was a queen of Bulgaria
1847Whose bush had grown hairier and hairier,
1848 Till a prince from Peru
1849 Who came up for a screw
1850Had to hunt for her cunt with a terrier.
1852There once was a Scot named McAmeter
1853With a tool of prodigious diameter.
1854 It was not the size
1855 That cause such surprise;
1856'Twas his rhythm -- iambic pentameter.
1858There was a bluestocking in Florence
1859Wrote anti-sex pamphlets in torrents,
1860 Till a Spanish grandee,
1861 Got her off with his knee,
1862And she burned all her works with abhorrence.
1864There was a gay countess of Bray,
1865And you may think it odd when I say,
1866 That in spite of high station,
1867 Rank and education,
1868She always spelled cunt with a "k".
1870There was a young fellow named Bliss
1871Whose sex life was strangely amiss,
1872 For even with Venus
1873 His recalcitrant penis
1874Would never do better than t
1875 h
1876 i
1877 s
1878 .
1880There was a young girl from Hong Kong
1881Whose cervical cap was a gong.
1882 She said with a yell,
1883 As a shot rang her bell,
1884"I'll give you a ding for a dong!"
1886There was a young girl named Sapphire
1887Who succumbed to her lover's desire.
1888 She said, "It's a sin,
1889 But now that it's in,
1890Could you shove it a few inches higher?"
1892There was a young girl of Angina
1893Who stretched catgut across her vagina.
1894 From the love-making frock
1895 (With the proper sized cock)
1896Came Tocata and Fugue in D minor.
1898There was a young girl of Darjeeling
1899Who could dance with such exquisite feeling
1900 There was never a sound
1901 For miles around
1902Save of fly-buttons hitting the ceiling.
1904There was a young lad name of Durcan
1905Who was always jerkin' his gherkin.
1906 His father said, "Durcan!
1907 Stop jerkin' your gherkin!
1908Your gherkin's for ferkin', not jerkin'."
1910There was a young lady from Maine
1911Who claimed she had men on her brain.
1912 But you knew from the view,
1913 As her abdomen grew,
1914It was not on her brain that he'd lain.
1916There was a young lady named Clair
1917Who possessed a magnificent pair;
1918 At least so I thought
1919 Till I saw one get caught
1920On a thorn, and begin losing air.
1922There was a young lady named Hall,
1923Wore a newspaper dress to a ball.
1924 The dress caught on fire
1925 And burned her entire
1926Front page, sporting section, and all.
1928There was a young lady named Twiss
1929Who said she thought fucking a bliss,
1930 For it tickled her bum
1931 And caused her to come
1932.siht ekil gniyl ylbatrofmoc elihW
1934There was a young lady of Norway
1935Who hung by her toes in a doorway.
1936 She said to her beau
1937 "Just look at me, Joe;
1938I think I've discovered one more way."
1940There was a young man from Bel-Aire
1941Who was screwing his girl on the stair,
1942 But the banister broke,
1943 So he doubled his stroke,
1944And finished her off in mid-air.
1946There was a young man named Crockett
1947Whose balls got caught in a socket.
1948 His wife was a bitch,
1949 And she threw the switch,
1950As Crockett went off like a rocket.
1952There was a young man of Cape Horn
1953Who wished he had never been born,
1954 And he wouldn't have been
1955 If his father had seen
1956That the end of the rubber was torn.
1958There was a young man of St. John's
1959Who wanted to bugger the swans.
1960 But the loyal hall porter
1961 Said, "Pray take my daughter!
1962Those birds are reserved for the dons."
1964There was a young whore from Kaloo
1965Who filled her vagina with glue.
1966 She said with a grin,
1967 "If they pay to get in,
1968They can pay to get out again too!"
1970There was an old man of the port
1971Whose prick was remarkably short.
1972 When he got into bed,
1973 The old woman said,
1974"This isn't a prick; it's a wart!"
1976There was an old pirate named Bates
1977Who was learning to rhumba on skates.
1978 He fell on his cutlass,
1979 Which rendered him nutless
1980And practically useless on dates.
1982There were the Scots
1983Who kept the Sabbath
1984And everything else they could lay their hands on.
1985Then there were the Welsh
1986Who prayed on their knees and their neighbors.
1987Thirdly there were the Irish
1988Who never knew what they wanted
1989But were willing to fight for it anyway.
1990Lastly there were the English
1991Who considered themselves a self-made nation
1992Thus relieving the Almighty of a dreadful responsibility.
1994There's been no top authority saying what marijuana does to you. I
1995really don't know that much about it. I tried it once but it didn't do
1996anything to me.
1997 -- John Wayne
1999There's more than one way to skin a cat:
2000 Way number 15 -- Krazy Glue and a toothbrush.
2002There's more than one way to skin a cat:
2003 Way number 27 -- Use an electric sander.
2005There's more than one way to skin a cat:
2006 Way number 32 -- Wrap it around a lonely frat man's pecker.
2008There's nothing better than good sex. But bad sex? A peanut butter
2009and jelly sandwich is better than bad sex.
2010 -- Billy Joel
2012There's nothing wrong with America that a good erection wouldn't cure.
2013 -- David Mairowitz
2015This is a test of the emergency cunnilingus system. If this had been an
2016actual emergency, you would have known it!
2018This is National Smokers-Are-Shits Week.
2020This limerick is **SO**FILTHY** that it would offend you. So I'll put
2021"di-dah" for the filthy words:
2023 Di-dah, di-dah, di-dah di-dah,
2024 Di-dah di-dah di-dah, di-dah;
2025 di-dah di-dah di-dah?
2026 Di-dah di-dah di-dah.
2027 Di-dah di-dah, di-dah di-fuck.
2029This test has been designed to evaluate reactions of management
2030personnel to various situations.
2032You are making a sales presentation to a group of corporate executives
2033in the plushest office you've ever seen. The enchilada casserole and
2034egg salad sandwich you had for lunch react, creating severe pressure.
2035Your sphincter loses control and you break wind, causing the glass
2036bookcase doors to shatter and a secretary to pass out.
2040(a) Offer to come back next week when the smell has gone away.
2041(b) Point to the Chief Executive and accuse him of the offense.
2042(c) Challenge anyone in the room to do better.
2044Thou shalt not omit adultery.
2046To a Real Woman, every ejaculation is premature.
2048"Tom Hayden is the kind of politician who gives opportunism a bad
2050 -- Gore Vidal
2052'Twas orgy, and the hip and mod And as in raffish thought he sprawled,
2053Did groove and trip out at the pad: The Radcliffe girl, no idle flirt,
2054All whimsy were the slamming chicks, Crept past the hippies getting balled
2055And the Radcliffe undergrad. And doffed her miniskirt.
2057"Beware the Radcliffe girl, my son! One, two! One, two! And through
2058The looks that melt, the claws that and through
2059 catch! The venerable staff went snicker-snack!
2060Beware the Byrn Mawr deb, and shun He left her bred, sans maidenhead,
2061The uppity Wellesleysnatch!" And went galumphing back.
2063He took his venerable staff in hand: "And hast thou laid the Radcliffe girl?
2064Long time the cool young stuff he Come to my arms, my horny boy!
2065 sought -- O spaced-out day! Calooh! Callay!"
2066So rested he among the spree He cackled in his joy.
2067And paused to smoke some pot.
2068 'Twas orgy, and the hip and mod
2069 Did groove and trip out at the pad:
2070 All whimsy were the slamming chicks,
2071 And the Radcliffe undergrad.
2073"Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under Communism, it's just the
2075 -- John Kenneth Galbraith
2077Uppers are no longer stylish, methedrine is almost as rare as pure acid
2078or DMT. "Consciousness Expansion" went out with LBJ and it is worth
2079noting, historically, that downers came in with Nixon.
2080 -- Dr. Hunter S. Thompson
2082Vegetarians for oral sex -- "The only meat that's fit to eat"
2084Vidi, vici, veni.
2085(I saw, I conquered, I came.)
2087Virgin, n.:
2088 An ugly third grader.
2090War is menstruation envy.
2092"Water? Never touch the stuff! Fish fuck in it."
2093 -- W. C. Fields
2095We call our dog Egypt, because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
2097"We don't have to protect the environment -- the Second Coming is at
2099 -- James Watt
2101We have reason to believe that man first
2102walked upright to free his hands for masturbation.
2103 -- Lily Tomlin
2105"We should declare war on North Vietnam. We could pave the whole
2106country and put parking strips on it, and still be home by Christmas."
2107 -- Ronald Reagan
2109Well, see, Joyce, there we were, trapped in the elevator. Now, I had
2110my tennis racquet and the goldfish; she was holding the Crisco. Surely
2111you can imagine how one thing naturally led to another!
2113Well, there was this tiger, who woke up one morning, and just felt
2114great (yes, just like Tony the Tiger: GREAAAAAAT). Anyway, he just
2115felt so good, he went out and cornered a small monkey and roared at
2117quaking little monkey replied: "You are of course, no one is mightier
2118than you." A little while later this tiger confronts a deer, and just
2120ANIMALS?" The deer is shaking so hard it can barely speak, but manages
2121to stammer: "Oh great tiger, you are by far the mightiest animal in the
2122jungle." The tiger, being on a roll, swaggered, up to an elephant that
2123was quietly munching on some weeds, and roared at the top of his voice:
2125elephant grabs the tiger with his trunk, picks him up, slams him down;
2126picks him up again, and shakes him until the tiger is just a blur of
2127orange and black; and finally throws him violently into a nearby tree.
2128The tiger staggers to his feet and looks at the elephant and says:
2129"Man, just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so
2133[Don't tell anybody!] just a "bargaining chip" in the nuclear-arms-
2134reduction talks with the Russians. See, we have a problem with the
2135Russians. They look at our leaders and they see, for example, George
2136Bush, who is really a fine and brave man but who happens to have this
2137unfortunate physical characteristic whereby when he talks he sounds as
2138though he just inhaled a helium party balloon. If he ever becomes
2139President, the Russians will deliberately create nuclear crises just so
2140they can gather around the Hot Line with refreshments and listen to
2141George talk.
2142 -- Dave Barry, "At Last, the Ultimate Deterrent Against
2143 Political Fallout"
2145What can you use used tampons for? Tea bags for vampires.
2147What did Mickey Mouse get for Christmas?
2148A Dan Quayle watch.
2150What is the difficulty with writing a PDP-8 program to emulate Jerry
2153Figuring out what to do with the other 3K.
2155When God created man, She was only testing.
2157When God created two sexes, he may have been overdoing it.
2158 -- Charles Merrill Smith
2160"When I grow up, I want to be an honest lawyer so things like that
2161can't happen."
2162 -- Richard Nixon as a boy (on the Teapot Dome scandal)
2164When it all boils down to the essence of truth one must live by a dog's
2165rule of life: if you can't eat it or fuck it, piss on it!
2167While I, with my usual enthusiasm,
2168Was exploring in Ermintrude's busiasm,
2169 She explained, "They are flat,
2170 But think nothing of that --
2171You will find that my sweet sister Susiasm."
2173"White House carpenters have reworked the master bedroom, remodeling it
2174so that Ronnie can sleep with his head in the hall. That way, by the
2175time he wakes up, somebody will have already shined his hair."
2177Why is it that there are so many more horses' asses than there are
2179 -- G. Gordon Liddy
2181Why marry a virgin? If she wasn't good enough for the rest of them
2182then she isn't good enough for you.
2184Women Unite! Make *___\b\b\bhim* sleep in the wet spot tonight!
2186Women who want to be equal to men lack imagination
2187 -- Graffito in a women's restroom
2189Women's Libbers are OK. I just wouldn't want my sister to marry one.
2191Would you mind terribly much if I asked you to take your silly-assed
2192problem down the hall?
2194"Yes, that was Richard Nixon. He used to be President. When he left
2195the White House, the Secret Service would count the silverware."
2196 -- Woody Allen, "Sleeper"
2198You always introduce the younger person to the older person, using the
2199wording: "Miss Brown, I'd like to introduce you to an older person"
2200(unless her name is not "Miss Brown"). If you do not know a person's
2201age, ask for a driver's license and a major credit card. If you are
2202introduced to a member of a minority group, use the "high-five" style
2203handshake, followed by a remark designed to show you don't mind a bit,
2204such as "I see you are a (name of a minority group)! Good!"
2205 -- Dave Barry, "The Stuff of Etiquette"
2207"You and I as individuals can, by borrowing, live beyond our means, but
2208only for a limited period of time. Why should we think that collectively,
2209as a nation, we are not bound by that same limitation?"
2210 -- Ronald Reagan
2212You are at a business lunch when you are suddenly overcome with an
2213uncontrollable desire to pick your nose. Since this is definitely a
2214no-no, you:
2216(a) Pretend to wave to someone across the room and with one fluid
2217 motion, bury your forefinger in your nostril right up to the 4th
2218 joint.
2220(b) Get everyone drunk and organize a nose picking contest with a prize
2221 to the one who makes his nose bleed first.
2223(c) Drop your napkin on the floor, and when you bend over to pick it up,
2224 blow your nose on your sock.
2226You better believe that marijuana can cause castration. Just suppose
2227your girlfriend gets the munchies!
2229You can lead a whore to Vasser, but you can't make her think.
2230 -- Frederick B. Artz
2232You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you can't
2233pick your friend's nose.
2235You can't underestimate the power of fear.
2236 -- Tricia Nixon
2238You come out of a woman and you spend the rest of your life trying to
2239get back inside.
2240 -- Heathcote Williams
2242You have just returned from a trip to Green Bay, Wisconsin in January
2243and tell your boss that nobody but whores and football players live
2244there. He mentions that his wife is from Green Bay. You:
2246(a) Pretend you are suffering from amnesia and don't remember your
2247 name.
2249(b) Ask what position she played.
2251(c) Ask if she is still working the streets.
2253You have prepared a proposal for your supervisor. The success of this
2254proposal will mean increasing your salary 20%. In the middle of your
2255proposal your supervisor leans over to look at your report and spits
2256into your coffee. You:
2258(a) Tell him you take your coffee black.
2260(b) Ask him if he has any communicable diseases.
2262(c) Show him who's in command; promptly take a leak in his "In"
2263 basket.
2265"You have to regard everything I say with suspicion -- I may be trying
2266to bullshit you, or I may just be bullshitting you inadvertently."
2267 -- J. Wainwright, Mathematics 140b