MAINTAINER lines in Makefile's are no longer applicable, remove them.
[dragonfly.git] / games / fortune / datfiles / fortunes2-o
1This fortune brought to you by:
2$FreeBSD: src/games/fortune/datfiles/fortunes2-o,v 2002/08/09 20:40:27 fanf Exp $
1de703da 3$DragonFly: src/games/fortune/datfiles/fortunes2-o,v 1.2 2003/06/17 04:25:23 dillon Exp $
6 Philadelphia, Pa. 19369
7Dear Sir:
8 Your name has been submitted to us with your photo. I regret to
9inform you that we will be unable to use your body in our centerfold. On
10a scale of one to ten, your body was rated a minus two by a panel of women
11ranging in age from 60 to 75 years. We tried to assemble a panel in the
12age bracket of 25 to 35 years, but we could not get them to stop laughing
13long enough to reach a decision. Should the taste of the American woman
14ever change so drastically that bodies such as yours would be appropriate
15in our magazine, you will be notified by this office. Please, don't call
17 Sympathetically,
18 Amanda L. Smith
20p.s. We also want to commend you for your unusual pose. Were you
21 wounded in the war, or do you ride your bike a lot?
24I'm a lumberjack and I'm OK, He's a lumberjack and he's OK,
25I sleep all night and I work all day. He sleeps all night and he works
26 all day.
28I cut down trees, I eat my lunch, He cuts down trees, he eats his lunch,
29I go to the lavatory. He goes to the lavatory.
30On Wednesday I go shopping, On Wednesday he goes shopping,
31And have buttered scones for tea. And has buttered scones for tea.
33I cut down trees, I skip and jump, He cuts down trees, he skips and jumps,
34I like to press wild flowers, He likes to press wild flowers.
35I put on women's clothing, He puts on women's clothing,
36And hang around in bars. And hangs around in bars.
38I cut down trees, I wear high heels, He cuts down trees, he wears high heels,
39Suspenders and a bra. Suspenders? and a bra?
40I wish I'd been a girlie, That's rude...
41Just like my dear Pappa.
44 Snow White
46Dear Snow White:
48 Thanks for last night.
50 Sleepy, Doc, Grumpy, Sneezy, Happy, Dopey, Bashful
53Leprosy, all my skin is falling off of me.
54I'm not half the man I used to be.
55Oh, how did I get leprosy?
57Syphilis, it all started with a simple kiss.
58Now it even hurts to take a piss.
59Oh why did I get syphilis?
61Why'd she have VD? I don't know, she wouldn't say.
62I did something wrong, now I long for yesterday ....
63 -- To the tune of "Yesterday"
67An amalgamation of the Creation Science Research Foundation and the Flat Earth
68Society, The Church of Counterfactual Belief has been set up to cater to all
69who do not allow demonstrable truth to get in the way of their beliefs.
70In addition to creation science and the flatness of the earth, the following
71beliefs have been certified by Pope Duane as correct Church dogma:
73 --That there is a hole in the Earth at the North Pole from
74 which UFOs come.
75 --That pi equals precisely 3.000.
76 --That Billy Joe Wilson (Hoopla, Miss.) has successfully
77 squared the circle.
78 --That Harry Truman is still president, and doing a fine job.
80Several other important counterfactual beliefs are presently being studied,
81including Reaganomics and that the moon landings were done in a Hollywood
82special effects studio. These will be the subject of some forthcoming Papal
85 The Snack
86Oh my God, screamed Mommy, You went and ate the Baby.
88What baby? asked Daddy. You know that's just the last of the leftover donkey.
90Donkey, my ass! said Mommy with some sentience. Do you think I don't
91 recognize my own baby? Why I can still see his little privates
92 caught in the gap between your front teeth. How many times have
93 I told you to take only what's on the *top* two shelves of the freezer?
95But there wasn't a thing to eat, cried Daddy.
96 And am I not the master of my own?
98Nothing to eat?
99 What about the elephant testicles in aspic that I put up for you
100 just last week in the ball jar? Our very first baby, too, wailed
101 Mommy, that I was saving for Christmas dinner.
103Testicles, testicles, said Daddy. A man gets tired of testicles.
104 -- L.L. Zeiger
106 ... So this is a very confusing situation, and what makes it even
107worse is, our standards keep changing. Take Playboy magazine. Back in the
1081950s, when I started reading it strictly for the articles, Playboy was
109considered just about the raciest thing around, even though all it ever
110showed was women's breasts. Granted, any given one of these breasts would
111have provided adequate shelter for a family of four, but the overall effect
112was no more explicit than many publications we think nothing of today, such
113as Sports Illustrated's Annual Nipples Poking Through Swimsuits Issue.
114 -- Dave Barry, "Pornography"
116 A bear and a rabbit are taking a crap in the woods. The bear looks
117over at the rabbit and asks, "Say, does shit ever stick to your fur?"
118 "No."
119 So the bear wiped his ass with the rabbit.
121 A business executive is consumed by jealousy: he suspects his wife
122of cheating on him. The suspicion grows and grows, and one morning as he
123drives to work he can't take it any more. He thinks to himself, "she
124probably just waited until I left so she could meet with her lover."
125 When he gets to his office, he calls home. The maid answers. He
126says, "Hello. Is my wife there?"
127 "Yes, sir", the maid whispers.
128 "Is she with her lover?"
129 The maid pauses, and then says, "Yes, sir, she is, and I must say
130that I feel terrible about how she treats you."
131 The man yells, "That no good **#*&!!. If you feel as badly as you
132say you do, you must do this for me: go to my dresser and get my gun. Check
133to make sure that it's loaded. Then go upstairs and shoot both that cheating
134two-timing whore and her lover. Dispose of the gun, and then come back to
135the phone and tell me that it's over. Don't worry -- I'll protect you."
136The man hears footsteps, a drawer being opened, a click, more footsteps,
137silence... and then two shots. More footsteps. Finally the maid comes back
138to the phone and says "It's done."
139 The man asks, "What did you do with the gun?"
140 "I threw it behind the statue in the garden", the maid replies.
141 "Statue in the garden? Say, what number is this, anyway?"
143 A cowboy, his horse and his dog were captured by hostile Indians.
144This wasn't really a problem for the animals as the Indians can always use
145them, but the cowboy is informed that he will be burned at the stake the
146following sunrise. That evening, the Indian chief tells the cowboy that
147he can one last wish, within reason, of course, before meeting his fate
148the following morning. The cowboy replies that all he really wants is to
149see his faithful dog, Rex, one last time. When the dog is brought by the
150Indians, the cowboy hugs his companion and whispers something into his ear.
151At once the dog runs off over the hill. Amazingly enough, a few hours later,
152he returns, accompanied by some two dozen prostitutes from a nearby town.
153Needless to say, the braves are delighted and as a reward offer the cowboy
154his dog to keep him company through the rest of the night. When the dog is
155brought forth the cowboy again runs his hand over Rex's head and then bends
156down to whisper into his ear: "This may be my last chance, Rex, so get it
157right this time -- go into town and get the posse!"
159 A farmer decides that his three sows should be bred, and contacts a
160buddy down the road, who owns several boars. They agree on a stud fee, and
161the farmer puts the sows in his pickup and takes them down the road to the
162boars. He leaves them all day, and when he picks them up that night, asks
163the man how he can tell if it "took" or not. The breeder replies that if,
164the next morning, the sows were grazing on grass, they were pregnant, but if
165they were rolling in the mud as usual, they probably weren't.
166 Comes the morn, the sows are rolling in the mud as usual, so the
167farmer puts them in the truck and brings them back for a second full day of
168frolic. This continues for a week, since each morning the sows are rolling
169in the mud.
170 Around the sixth day, the farmer wakes up and tells his wife, "I
171don't have the heart to look again. This is getting ridiculous. You check
172today." With that, the wife peeks out the bedroom window and starts to laugh.
173 "What is it?" asks the farmer excitedly. "Are they grazing at last?"
174 "Nope." replies his wife. "Two of them are jumping up and down in
175the back of your truck, and the other one is honking the horn!"
177 A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did
178for a living. "Tim, you be first," she said. "What does your mother do
179all day?"
180 Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor."
181 "That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?"
182 Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a
184 "Thank you, Amie," said the teacher. "What about your father, Billy?"
185 Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a
187 The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography.
188Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father
189answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded
190an explanation.
191 Billy's father replied, "Well, I'm really an attorney. But how do
192you explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old child?"
194 A great American Olympic wrestler was receiving last-minute advice
195from his coach about the upcoming match with the Soviet Champion.
196 "This Russian guy is really good, very strong and quick. But I think
197you can take him. Remember, though, like I've told you before, don't let
198him get you in the Pretzel hold. With his strength you'd never get out."
199 The American leaps onto the mat, and within moments the two behemoths
200are going crazy, struggling to get each other pinned. The American slowly
201gains ground and appears that he might actually win on points alone, when, in
202the blink of an eye, the Russian reverses him and whips him into the fatal
203Pretzel hold.
204 The coach, off by the side, shakes his head in dismay, and sits down
205on the bench with his head between his hands. All of a sudden, there's a
206scream and the two wrestlers fly apart, the American regaining control and
207pinning the Russian. After the match, in the dressing room, the coach
208finally gets the winner alone. "Great job! But how the hell did you get out
209of the Pretzel Hold? I thought it was over for sure!"
210 "Well, I did too. I was in the hold, about to be pinned, when I saw
211this huge pair of testicles hanging right in front of my eyes. I figured
212what the hell, so I stretched forward and bit them as hard as I could. Coach,
213you just don't know your own strength 'til you've bitten your own balls!"
215 A group of soldiers being prepared for a practice landing on a tropical
216island were warned of the one danger the island held, a poisonous snake that
217could be readily identified by its alternating orange and black bands. They
218were instructed, should they find one of these snakes, to grab the tail end of
219the snake with one hand and slide the other hand up the body of the snake to
220the snake's head. Then, forcefully, bend the thumb above the snake's head
221downward to break the snake's spine. All went well for the landing, the
222charge up the beach, and the move into the jungle. At one foxhole site, two
223men were starting to dig and wondering what had happened to their partner.
224Suddenly he staggered out of the underbrush, uniform in shreds, covered with
225blood. He collapsed to the ground. His buddies were so shocked they could
226only blurt out, "What happened?"
227 "I ran from the beachhead to the edge of the jungle, and, as I hit the
228ground, I saw an orange and black striped snake right in front of me. I
229grabbed its tail end with my left hand. I placed my right hand above my left
230hand. I held firmly with my left hand and slid my right hand up the body of
231the snake. When I reached the head of the snake I flicked my right thumb down
232to break the snake's spine... did you ever goose a tiger?"
234 A guy finishes his 9 to 5, but, instead of going straight home, stops
235in at a local bar for a drink. He gets his beer, turns around to sit down,
236and finds himself face to face with a ravishing blonde. The two strike up a
237conversation, and really hit it off. After a couple drinks they leave the bar
238go back to her pad, to peruse her etchings. Which doesn't take long -- by
239seven they were happily engaged in intimate scratching.
240 'Round about midnight the guy rolled over in bed and spotted the clock:
241"Midnight! Already! I gotta get home! Honey, you have any baby powder?"
242He jumps out of bed and starts pulling his pants on, trying to find his shoes.
243 "Baby powder?" she asks. But she comes back from the bathroom and
244hands him the powder. He frantically shakes it all over his hands, kisses her
245goodbye, and runs out the front door.
246 He gets home, and sure enough, there's his wife, waiting in the
248 "Okay," she mutters, "let's have it."
249 "Well," he says sheepishly, looking down at his feet. "Okay. I went
250to a bar after work and met a gorgeous blonde and we really hit it off. We
251had a few drinks and went back to her place, and well, see..."
252 "Oh yeah?" she says, "let me see your hands... Don't you lie to me!
253You've been bowling again!"
255 A guy returns from a long trip to Europe, having left his beloved
256dog in his brother's care. The minute he's cleared customs, he calls up his
257brother and inquires after his pet.
258 "Your dog's dead," replies his brother bluntly.
259 The guy is devastated. "You know how much that dog meant to me,"
260he moaned into the phone. "Couldn't you at least have thought of a nicer way
261of breaking the news? Couldn't you have said, `Well, you know, the dog got
262outside one day, and was crossing the street, and a car was speeding around a
263corner...' or something...? Why are you always so thoughtless?"
264 "Look, I'm sorry," said his brother, "I guess I just didn't think."
265 "Okay, okay, let's just put it behind us. How are you anyway?
266How's Mom?"
267 His brother is silent a moment. "Uh," he stammers, "uh... Mom got
268outside one day..."
270 A guy walks into a pub and asks: "Does anyone here own a Doberman?
271I feel really bad about this, but my Chihuahua just killed it."
272 A man leaps to his feet and replies, "Yes, I do, but how can that
273be? I raised that dog from a pup to be a vicious killer."
274 "Yes, well, that's all well and good," replied the first, "but my
275dog's stuck in its throat."
277 A man came home from work and as he entered the house he yelled,
278"Hi, honey, I'm home."
279 There was no response. He walked through the house and saw a note
280on the refrigerator. It read "I'm out with the girls and I'll be home about
2818. Either fix yourself something to eat, or wait for me and we'll eat when
282I get home."
283 Well, he decided to wait until his wife returned. However, his
284stomach started to growl and he remembered that he had an apple left over
285from his lunch. He got the apple, polished it a little, and heard the
286doorbell ring. He went to the door and there stood a little blond haired
287girl holding out a little paper bag. "Trick or treat", she said.
288 He looked at the girl, looked at the apple, thought how hungry he
289was, looked at the girl again, and with a slight sigh dropped his apple in
290the bag. The little girl looked down in the bag, looked up again, and
291complained, "You stupid son-of-a-bitch. You broke my cookies!"
293 A man dies and is getting his tour of heaven. His guide is pointing
294out the various features and landmarks when the man asks, "What's that cliff?"
295 "Oh, you don't want to look down there. That's hell!"
296 The man creeps up to the edge and looks over. He sees lush, green
297valleys, verdant farmland and trees everywhere. "This doesn't look so bad,"
298he says.
299 Puzzled, the guide comes over and looks down. "Damn!" he snaps,
300"Those Mormons have been irrigating again!"
302 A man sank into the psychiatrist's couch and said, "I have a
303terrible problem, Doctor. I have a son at Harvard and another son at
304Princeton; I've just gifted each of them with a new Ferrari; I've got
305homes in Beverly Hills, Palm Beach, and a co-op in New York; and I've
306got a thriving ranch in Venezuela. My wife is a gorgeous young actress
307who considers my two mistresses to be her best friends."
308 The psychiatrist looked at the patient, confused. "Did I miss
309something? It sounds to me like you have no problems at all."
310 "But, Doctor, I only make $175 a week."
312 A man walks into a bar and orders 3 shots and 3 beers. The
313bartender, seeing that the man is distraught, asks what the problem is.
314 "I just found out that my brother is gay", he replies.
315 About a week later, the same man walks in and orders 6 shots and
3166 chasers. So the bartender inquires, "What's wrong this time?"
317 To which the man says, "I just found out that two of my brothers
318are lovers."
319 Another week goes by and the man comes back to the bar and orders
320NINE shots and NINE beers. The bartenders says "Damn, boy, doesn't anyone
321in your family like pussy?"
322 "Yeah. Me and my sister."
324 A man walks into a bar and says: "I'd like a shot of twelve-year-old
325Scotch". The bartender, who figures the guy is just being obnoxious, reaches
326down under the bar and pours him a shot of bar Scotch. The man takes one sip
327and says: "Hey, bartender, I asked you for some twelve-year-old Scotch -- this
328is eight-year-old Scotch."
329 The bartender reaches behind the bar for the twelve-year-old Scotch,
330pours a shot, hands it to the man and says "I've got to hand it to you --
331most guys who come in here asking for twelve-year-old Scotch have never even
332had it -- they're just being pricks. But you really know your Scotch -- this
333is on the house."
334 A drunk has been sitting at the other end of the bar watching this
335conversation. He walks up to the man, hands him a glass and says "Taste this."
336The man does -- and spits it out yelling, "This tastes like piss!" To which
337the drunk replies, "It is -- but how old am I?"
339 A man walks into a bar with a Leprechaun on his shoulder. He walks
340up to the bar and sits down, ordering a beer for himself and one for the
341little Leprechaun.
342 After a few beers, the Leprechaun jumps down off the guy's shoulder,
343struts down the bar and comes to a stop in front of a rather large construction
344worker. Looking the guy right in the eye, he gives him a rather large, damp,
345Bronx cheer. And trots back to sit on his buddy's shoulder. The worker is
346pretty upset, but decides to shine on this rather offensive breach of manners.
347 After another beer and a half though, the Leprechaun hops down and
348walks over to his previous victim and goes "PPPPHHHHHHHBBBBTTTTTT" again.
349Well, that's too much, and the victim knocks the Leprechaun off the bar and,
350after walking over to stand very close to the Leprechaun's escort, tells him
351in a rather overloud voice, that if it happens again, he's going to "cut off
352his little dick!"
353 Replies the escort, "Leprechauns don't have dicks."
354 "Yeah? Well, then," asks the big man, how does he take a piss?"
357 A man was just settling down into his seat for a cross-country
358flight when he noticed a beautiful woman sitting next to him, wearing a
359large button with the letters "NAA" on it.
360 "What's that?" he asked, pointing to her button.
361 "Nymphomaniacs Association of America" she replied.
362 After a moments thought he said, "Well, if you wouldn't mind my
363asking, but I've always wanted to know, who are the best, ummm, `endowed'
365 "Well, it's not what you think. Native Americans. They're better
366hung than *anybody*."
367 "And is it true that the French are the best lovers?"
368 "No, Jewish men. Once you finally get them going they can last
369all night. By the way, my name is Sue. What's yours?"
370 "Running Bear Sheldon."
372 A man was traveling cross-country one summer from New York to LA.
373He arrived in Needles, CA late one night and pulled into an Exxon for some
374gas. When he pulled up to the gas pumps, he noticed that all of the lights
375were off. Suddenly, he heard a faint sound from outside. He wasn't sure
376what he'd heard, so he rolled down his window and heard a faint cry,
377"Help... help... help". He got out of his car, and sure enough there was
378a guy stooped down in the corner, stark naked with his wrists tied to his
379ankles. He walked up to the guy and said, "Hey, man, what happened to you?"
380 "These guys pulled me out of my car, took my money, my wallet, my
381clothes, tied my wrists to my ankles, and then stole my car!!"
382 "Damn!", replied the first man as he unzipped his pants. "This just
383hasn't been your day, has it?"
385 A man went to a doctor to have his penis enlarged. Well, this
386particular procedure involved splicing a baby elephant's trunk onto the
387man's penis. Overjoyed, the man went out with his best girl to a very
388fancy restaurant. After cocktails, the man's penis crept out of his pants,
389felt around the table, grabbed a hard roll and quickly disappeared under
390the tablecloth. The girl was startled and exclaimed, "What was that?"
391 Suddenly the penis came back, took another hard roll and just as
392quickly disappeared. The girl was silent for a moment, then finally said,
393"I don't believe I saw what I think I just saw... can you do that again?"
394 With a bit of an uncomfortable smile the man replied, "Honey, I'd
395like to, but I don't think my ass can take another hard roll!"
397 A Mexican and a Texan worked together for a construction firm, and,
398while they were good friends, they had a friendly rivalry over whose wife
399was the better cook. One weekend, as the Texan's wife was out of town, the
400Mexican invited the Texan to have supper with his family.
401 The Texan accepted, and that evening sat down to some the best stew
402that he had ever eaten.
403 "Damn! That stew is fantastic!" he exclaimed to his host. "What
404kind of meat is it?"
405 "Rabbeet stew," replied the Mexican.
406 "Rabbit?" replied the Texan. "There aren't any rabbits around here."
407 "Si, my freend, the rabbeets make the beeg noise, and I shoot theem."
408 "Rabbits don't make any noise..."
409 "Si, my freend, they say meeyow, meeyow!"
411 A mother and her daughter came to the doctor's office. The mother
412asked the doctor to examine her daughter. "She has been having some strange
413symptoms and I'm worried about her," the mother said.
414 The doctor examined the daughter carefully. Then he announced,
415"Madam, I believe your daughter is pregnant."
416 The mother gasped. "That's nonsense!" she said. "Why, my little
417girl has never even been out with a man, let alone... let alone..." She
418turns to the girl and said, "Tell the doctor, Susie!"
419 "Yes, Mumsy," said the girl. "Doctor, I have never so much as
420kissed a man!"
421 The doctor looked from the mother to daughter, and back again. Then,
422silently he stood up and walked to the window. He stared out. He continued
423staring until the mother felt compelled to ask, "Doctor, is there something
424wrong out there?"
425 "No, Madam," said the doctor. "It's just that the last time anything
426like this happened, a star appeared in the East and I was looking to see if
427another one was going to show up."
429 A priest was walking along the cliffs at Dover when he came upon
430two locals pulling another man ashore on the end of a rope. "That's what
431I like to see", said the priest, "A man helping his fellow man".
432 As he was walking away, one local remarked to the other, "Well,
433he sure doesn't know the first thing about shark fishing."
435 A proper elderly English couple visiting Australia decided to hire a
436car to take a look at the outback. "We know it's rough country, but it's safe
437and decent, isn't it?" the husband inquired of the rental-agency manager.
438Upon being assured that it was, the couple drove off.
439 Later that day, they returned, upset and angry. "You said it was
440decent country," the Englishwoman upbraided the rental agent, "but we hadn't
441driven too far when we saw a man in a field copulating with a kangaroo!"
442 "And not too long after that," complained her husband, "a one-legged
443aborigine leaning against a tree by the side of the road grinningly waved
444at us with one hand while he brazenly masturbated himself with the other!"
445 "Guv'nor," responded the Aussie, "yer wouldn't expect a poor bugger
446like that, with only one leg, to catch a 'roo, would you?"
448 A secretary entered her boss's office with the announcement: "I have
449some good news and some bad news."
450 He muttered, "It's quarterly report day, Sally -- just the good news."
451 She replied, "You're not sterile."
453 A sociologist, a psychologist, and a engineer were discussing the
454consequences and implications of a married man's having a mistress. The
455sociologist's opinion was that it is absolutely and categorically unforgivable
456for a married man to forfeit the bond of matrimony, and engage in such lowly
457and lustful pursuits.
458 The psychologist's opinion was that although morally reprehensible,
459if a man MUST have a mistress to achieve his full potential as a human being,
460then -- well -- he may go ahead and choose to have a mistress, as long as he
461is considerate enough to keep this secret from his wife.
462 The engineer then interjected: "I also believe that, if necessary,
463a married man is entitled to a mistress. However, I do not see why the
464affair should be concealed from the wife. On the contrary, if the affair
465is out in the open, then on Friday evenings he may tell his wife that he
466is going to see his mistress, tell his mistress that he is going to be with
467his wife, then go to his office and get some work done!"
469 A strange looking white man came to the Indian reservation looking
470for a job. He asked to talk to the Chief of the tribe, so he might give his
471qualifications. The Chief strode forward from the group surrounding the
472white man and said: "You leave! No job!"
473 The man explained that this was no ordinary job he was seeking, but
474that of tribe Medicine-Man. He would convince him if the Chief would allow
475him to demonstrate his magic. "No magic!" said the disbelieving Chief.
476 "Oh, yeah?", said the stranger. "I'll prove it to you by making
477your dog, here, talk!"
478 "Dog, no talk!" responded the Chief, but before he could finish, he
479heard a voice coming out of the mouth of the dog saying, "The Chief treats me
480good. He feeds me, and keeps me in teepee when it snows!"
481 "If you still have doubts as to my magic," continued the stranger,
482"the next voice you'll hear will be that of your horse!"
483 "Horse, no talk!" argued the still-sceptical Chief, but again he
484heard a voice that said: "I am the Chief's favorite horse. He takes me up to
485the green pasture to eat and brushes my coat when I get dirty."
486 The stranger, still seeing some disbelieving faces, claimed for his
487final trick he would make the Chief's sheep talk.
488 "NO!" cried the Chief, "SHEEP LIE!"
490 A ten-year-old kid came home from school one day, and when his mom
491asked how was school he says: "Gee, great, mom. I got laid!"
492 She's shocked and sends him upstairs, where his dad finds him after
493work. "Mommy told me about your day at school, Billy, and I think we men
494should keep it a secret. Women just don't understand these things."
495 So every night Dad goes up to Billy's room after Mom tucks him in:
496"You get laid today, Billy?"
497 "Yeah, Dad."
498 "How was it?"
499 "Real neat, Dad, I liked it a lot."
500 "Good Boy!".
501 A month later: "You get laid today?"
502 "No, Dad."
503 "No? How come?"
504 "Gee, Dad, my ass is getting really sore."
506 A white man was traveling with Indian (American) out West. The
507Indian stops, puts his ear to the ground, and says, "Buffalo come."
508 The white man looks around in all directions, sees nothing for
509miles and asks the Indian how the hell he knows that.
510 Replies the Indian, "Ear wet."
511 -- Lily Tomlin, "The Search for Signs of Intelligent
512 Life in the Universe"
514 A woman was married to a golfer. One day she asked, "If I were
515to die, would you remarry?"
516 After some thought, the man replied, "Yes, I've been very happy in
517this marriage and I would want to be this happy again."
518 The wife asked, "Would you give your new wife my car?"
519 "Yes," he replied. "That's a good car and it runs well."
520 "Well, would you live in this house?"
521 "Yes, it is a lovely house and you have decorated it beautifully.
522I've always loved it here."
523 "Well, would you give her my golf clubs?"
524 "No."
525 "Why not?"
526 "She's left handed."
528 A young couple jumped out of their car and dashed into the park.
529They hurriedly found a secluded spot and began to make frenzied, passionate
530love. Shortly thereafter, as they were driving away, the young man turned
531to her and said, "If I had known you were a virgin, I'd have taken more time."
532 She replied, "If I had known you had more time, I'd have taken off
533my pantyhose."
535 A young man asked his father to lend him $50 for a blowjob,
536whereupon his father solemnly replied, "When I was young we used to
537settle for a kiss."
538 The son retorted, "OK, how about $50 for a long low kiss?"
540 After watching an extremely attractive maternity-ward patient
541earnestly thumbing her way through a telephone directory for several
542minutes, a hospital orderly finally asked if he could be of some help.
543 "No, thanks," smiled the young mother, "I'm just looking for a
544name for my baby."
545 "But the hospital supplies a special booklet that lists hundreds
546of first names and their meanings," said the orderly.
547 "That won't help," said the woman, "my baby already has a first
550 All he did was take the ball and run every time they called his
551number -- which came to be more and more often, and in the Super Bowl Thomas
552was the whole show. But the season is now over; the purse is safe in the
553vault; and Duane Thomas is facing two to twenty for possession. Nobody really
554expects him to serve time, but nobody seems to think he'll be playing for
555Dallas next year either, and a few sporting people who claim to know how the
556NFL works say he won't be playing for ANYBODY next year; that the Commissioner
557is outraged at this mockery of all those Government-sponsored "Beware of Dope"
558TV shots that dressed up the screen last autumn.
559 We all enjoyed those spots, but not everyone found them convincing.
560Here was a White House directive saying several million dollars would be spent
561to drill dozens of Name Players to stare at the camera and try to stop grinding
562their teeth long enough to say they hate drugs of any kind... and then the best
563running back in the world turns out to be a goddamn uncontrollable drugsucker.
564 But not for long. There is not much room for freaks in the National
565Football League. Joe Namath was saved by the simple blind luck of getting
566drafted by a team in New York City, a place where social outlaws are not
567always viewed as criminals. But Namath would have had a very different trip
568if he'd been drafted by the St. Louis Cardinals.
569 -- Hunter S. Thompson
571 An Aggie was appointed ambassador to Japan. Two weeks before
572officially reporting to the embassy, he went from geisha house to geisha
573house. While making love to a geisha girl, he heard her repeat, "Yaki-san,
575 Right away the Aggie thought to himself, "I've learned my first
576Japanese word. It must be an expression of joy."
577 When he reported to the embassy, he received his first assignment,
578which was to escort the prime minister of Japan around the golf course.
579After having played a couple of holes, the prime minister teed-off and made
580a hole-in-one. The prime minister jumped up and down shouting, "Bonsai!
582 Quickly, thinking that this was the perfect chance to show off the
583new Japanese word that he'd learned, the Aggie exclaimed, "Yaki-san,
585 The prime minister turned to the Aggie in surprise and exclaimed,
586"What do you mean, wrong hole?"
588 An American tourist went into a restaurant in a Spanish provincial
589city and asked to be served the specialty of the house. When the dish
590arrived he asked what kind of meat it contained. "These, senor," explained
591the waiter in halting English, "are the cojones -- the, what you say, the
592testicles -- of the bull killed in the ring today.
593 The tourist gulped but tasted the dish and found it delicious.
594Returning the following evening, he asked for the same dish. When it was
595served, he commented to the waiter, "But these -- these cojones -- are
596much smaller than the ones I had yesterday."
597 "True, senor, but the bull -- he does not ALWAYS lose."
599 An eighty-year-old woman is rocking away the afternoon on her
600porch when she sees an old, tarnished lamp sitting near the steps. She
601picks it up, rubs it gently, and lo and behold a genie appears! The genie
602tells the woman the he will grant her any three wishes her heart desires.
603 After a bit of thought, she says, "I wish I were young and
604beautiful!" And POOF! In a cloud of smoke she becomes a young, beautiful,
605voluptuous woman.
606 After a little more thought, she says, "I would like to be rich
607for the rest of my life." And POOF! When the smoke clears, there are
608stacks and stacks of money lying on the porch.
609 The genie then says, "Now, madam, what is your final wish?"
610 "Well," says the woman, "I would like for you to transform my
611faithful old cat, whom I have loved dearly for fifteen years, into a young
612handsome prince!"
613 And with another billow of smoke the cat is changed into a tall,
614handsome, young man, with dark hair, dressed in a dashing uniform.
615 As they gaze at each other in adoration, the prince leans over to
616the woman and whispers into her ear, "Now, aren't you sorry you had me
619 An Israeli soldier was checking travelers' papers on a road, when a
620man and a heavily pregnant woman on a donkey came by. "Your names please?"
621said the the soldier.
622 "My name is Mary," said the woman.
623 "And mine is Joseph," said the man.
624 "Oh," said the soldier, a little taken aback, "And where are you
626 "To Bethlehem."
627 "Your reason for going there?"
628 "To pay our taxes to the government."
629 "Tell me," said the soldier, "are you going to name the baby Jesus?"
630 "Of course not," said the woman, "What do you think we are, Puerto
633 An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the
634remains of her cat. As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver,
635"I have a dead pussy."
636 The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said,
637"Sit with my wife. You two have a lot in common."
639 And Jesus said unto them, "And whom do you say that I am?"
640 They replied, "You are the eschatological manifestation of the
641ground of our being, the ontological foundation of the context of our
642very selfhood revealed."
643 And Jesus replied, "What?"
645 "Anything else, sir?" asked the attentive bellhop, trying his best
646to make the lady and gentleman comfortable in their penthouse suite in the
647posh hotel.
648 "No. No, thank you," replied the gentleman.
649 "Anything for your wife, sir?" the bellhop asked.
650 "Why, yes, young man," said the gentleman. "Would you bring me
651a postcard?"
653 Are you a Young Urban Professional Woman? If so, you know how
654Yuppie women are; cold, ruthless bitches with no time for love, and only
655an occasional weekend for sex. Your one "hot date" with Joe Fastrack,
656rising corporate star, ended in disaster. Yesterday you heard him telling
657a friend over lunch, "The woman must masturbate with popsicles!" Well,
658all is not lost! SofSqueeze can change your nickname to Electrolux in just
65915 minutes a day!
660 SofSqueeze is a pressure sensitive device (divided into appropriate
661sections) that plugs into the serial port of most home computers. Through
662the magic of biofeedback, SofSqueeze teaches you control over your vaginal
663muscles. With our exciting, easy-to-follow software you'll master the
664"Cincinnati Squeeze", the "Irresistible", the "California Crusher", and,
665of course, the perennial favorite, "Milking Time Down on the Farm". Or,
666using our exclusive Interactive Mode, invent your own!
667 SofSqueeze is made of sturdy ABS plastic, and is completely
668immersible for easy cleaning. SofSqueeze's flesh-toned exterior is finely
669textured for a realistic effect. Requires 4K RAM, a DB25 serial port and
670limited graphics capability. Comes fully assembled, with 4 AA batteries.
672 Attracted by repeated newspaper advertisements, and realizing that
673his waist had gone both East and West despite his daily racquetball, a young
674executive appeared at a local health resort. Looking over the several weight
675loss plans offered, he selected one guaranteed to reduce his weight by two
676pounds per day. After a light breakfast, and a almost non-existent lunch, he
677was escorted to a large room, where a young, attractive woman told him that
678"if he caught her, he could have her". After an hour of hard running, he
679finally gave up; and weighing himself, was comforted to realize that he had
680lost just under three pounds. Returning the next week, he chose the plan that
681was to reduce his weight by four pounds per session. After following the same
682regimen, he was again escorted to a large room, but after two hours of running,
683he caught the young woman. Weight loss, just over four pounds. Returning the
684following week, he chose to lose eight pounds in a single day. He was shown
685to the largest room he'd seen, by far, where he was confronted by a extremely
686muscular, burly man, who looked him square in the eye, flung his towel into
687a corner, and snarled, "You know the rules. Start running!"
689 Barbra Walters was doing a documentary on the customs of American
690Indians. After a tour of a reservation they were on, she was curious as to
691the number of feathers in the headdresses. She asked a brave who had only
692one feather in his headdress. His reply was, "Me have only one squaw, me
693have only one feather." She asked another brave, feeling the first fellow
694was only joking. This brave had four feathers in his headdress. He replied,
695"Me have four feathers, because me sleep with four squaws."
696 Still not convinced the number of feathers indicated the number of
697squaws involved, she decided to interview the Chief. Now the Chief had a
698headdress full of feathers which, needless to say, amused Ms. Walters.
699Ms. W: "Why do you have so many feathers in your headdress?"
700Chief: "Me Chief, me fuck-em all, big, small, fat, tall,
701 me fuck-em all."
702Ms. W: "You ought to be hung!"
703Chief: "You damned right, me hung. Big like buffalo, long like snake."
704Ms. W: "You don't have to be so hostile!"
705Chief: "Hoss-style, dog-style, wolf-style, any-style, me fuck-em all."
706Ms. W: "Oh, dear!"
707Chief: "No deer, me no fuck deer. Asshole too high and fuckers run
708 too fast."
710 Before he went off to the wars, King Arthur locked his lovely wife,
711Guinevere, into her chastity belt. Then he summoned his loyal friend and
712subject Sir Lancelot. "Lancelot, noble knight," said Arthur, "within this
713sturdy belt is imprisoned the virtue of my wife. The key to this chaste
714treasure I will entrust to only one man in the world. To you."
715 Humbled before this great honor, Lancelot knelt, received his king's
716blessing and took charge of the key. Arthur mounted his steed and rode off.
717Not half a mile from his castle, he heard hoofbeats behind him and turned to
718see Sir Lancelot riding hard to catch up with him.
719 "What is amiss, my friend?" asked the king.
720 "My lord," gasped Lancelot, "you have given me the wrong key!"
722 Bill had just returned from a week of honeymooning, and his best
723friend asked him how it went.
724 "The first night we did it nine times," Bill said. "The second
725night, eight times. The third night, seven times. The fourth night, six
726times. The fifth night, five times. The sixth night, four times, and the
727last night, nothing!"
728 "Nothing?" his pal asked. "How come?"
729 "Hey, you ever tried putting a marshmallow in a parking meter?"
731 But among the children of the Great Society there were those whose
732skins were black. And lo! Their portion was niggardly, and of the fatted
733calf they were sucking hind teat...
734 Now it came to pass that a prophet rose up amongst them, and they
735called him King. And he went unto Pharaoh and said, "Let my people go to
736the front of the bus."
737 But Pharaoh answered: "In the fullness of time and with all
738deliberate speed shall this thing come to pass. When ye shall prove
739yourselves worthy, shall ye have your just portion -- yea, verily, like
740unto a snowball in Hell."
741 -- "The Begatting of a President"
743 But the reward of a successful collaboration is a thing that
744cannot be produced by either of the parties working alone. It is akin
745to the benefits of sex with a partner, as opposed to masturbation. The
746latter is fun, but you show me anyone who has gotten a baby from playing
747with him or herself, and I'll show you an ugly baby, with just a whole
748bunch of knuckles.
749 -- Harlan Ellison
751 "Can you hammer a 6-inch spike into a wooden plank with
752your penis?"
753 "Uh, not right now."
754 "Tsk, tsk. A girl has to have *some* standards."
755 -- Real Genius
757 Churchill was known to drain a glass or two and, after one
758particularly convivial evening, he chanced to encounter Miss Bessie Braddock,
759a Socialist member of the House of Commons, who, upon seeing his condition,
760said, "Winston, you're drunk." Mustering all his dignity, Churchill drew
761himself up to his full height, cocked an eyebrow and rejoined, "Shove it up
762your ass, you ugly cunt."
763 When the noted playwright George Bernard Shaw sent him two tickets to
764the opening night of his new play with a note that read: "Bring a friend, if
765you have one," Churchill, not to be outdone, promptly wired back: "You and
766your play can go fuck yourselves."
767 At an elegant dinner party, Lady Astor once leaned across the table
768to remark, "If you were my husband, Winston, I'd poison your coffee." "And
769if you were my wife, I'd beat the shit out of you," came Churchill's
770unhesitating retort.
771 -- "The Churchill Wit", National Lampoon
773 "Daddy?"
774 "Yes son."
775 "Wha-wha-wha-what does regret mean?"
776 "Well, son, a funny thing about regret is that it's better to regret
777something you have done, than to regret something you haven't done. And by
778the way, if you see your Mom this weekend, would be you sure and tell her,
780 -- Butthole Surfers, "Sweat Loaf"
782 Dallas Cowboys Official Schedule
784 Sept 14 Pasadena Junior High
785 Sept 21 Boy Scout Troop 049
786 Sept 28 Blind Academy
787 Sept 30 World War I Veterans
788 Oct 5 Brownie Scout Troop 041
789 Oct 12 Sugarcreek High Cheerleaders
790 Oct 26 St. Thomas Boys Choir
791 Nov 2 Texas City Vet Clinic
792 Nov 9 Korean War Amputees
793 Nov 15 VA Hospital Polio Patients
795 "Darling," he breathed, "after making love I doubt if I'll
796be able to get over you -- so would you mind answering the phone?"
798 "Darling", said the young bride, "tell me what's bothering you.
799We promised to share all our joys and sorrows, remember?"
800 "But this is different," protested her husband.
801 "Together, darling," she insisted, "we will bear the burden.
802Now tell me what our problem is."
803 "Well," said the husband, "we've just become the father of a
804bastard child."
806 "Darling," she whispered, "will you still love me after we are
808 He considered this for a moment and then replied, "I think so.
809I've always been especially fond of married women."
811 Desperate about the state of her social life, a young woman resorted
812to the Personal Ads in the back of her local paper. In the ad she made it
813quite clear that what she was advertising for was an expert lover; she already
814had plenty of sensitive friends and meaningful relationships and what she
815now wanted was to get laid, to put it bluntly. Phone calls started coming
816in, with each caller testifying to his sexual prowess, but none quite struck
817the young woman's fancy. Until one night her doorbell rang. Opening the door
818she found a man with no arms or legs, who informed her that he was there in
819response to her advertisement. "I'm terribly sorry," she stammered, "but my
820ad was quite explicit. I'm really looking for something of a sexual expert,
821and you... uh... don't have all the..."
822 "Listen," the man interrupted her, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
824 "Don't come back until you have him", the Tick-Tock Man said quietly,
825sincerely, extremely dangerously.
826 They used dogs. They used probes. They used cardio plate crossoffs.
827They used teepers. They used bribery. They used stick tites. They used
828intimidation. They used torment. They used torture. They used finks.
829They used cops. They used search and seizure. They used fallaron. They
830used betterment incentives. They used finger prints. They used the
831bertillion system. They used cunning. They used guile. They used treachery.
832They used Raoul-Mitgong but he wasn't much help. They used applied physics.
833They used techniques of criminology. And what the hell, they caught him.
834 -- Harlan Ellison, "Repent, Harlequin, said the Tick-Tock Man"
836 During a grouse hunt in North Carolina two intrepid sportsmen were
837blasting away at a clump of trees near a stone wall. Suddenly a red-face
838country squire popped his head over the wall and shouted, "Hey, you almost
839hit my wife."
840 "Did I?" cried one hunter, aghast. "Terribly sorry. Have a shot
841at mine, over there."
843 During a session with a marriage counselor, the wife snapped at her
844husband: "That's not true, I do enjoy sex!" Then, turning to the counselor,
845she added: "But this fiend expects it three or four times a year!"
847 Ed, a traveling salesman, had his car break down in the middle of a
848blizzard. He trudged to a nearby farmhouse where the farmer told him that,
849while they were short of beds, he could sleep with his daughter. She proved
850to be eighteen and beautiful. So they went to bed, and shortly, Ed made a
851pass at the daughter. "Stop that!" she said. "I'll call my father."
852 He desisted. But half an hour later he made another attempt. "Uh,
853stop ... that," she said. "I'll call my father."
854 But she moved closer to him, so he made a third try. This time, no
855protest, no threat. Just as Ed, satisfied, was about to drowse off, she
856tugged at his pajama sleeve. "Could we do that again?" she asked.
857 Ed obliged, and this time fell asleep only to be awakened by the
858tug at his sleeve. "Again?"
859 And again Ed obliged. But when his sleep was once more interrupted
860by the tugging at his pajama sleeve, Ed indignantly pulled it away from her
861and mumbled, "Stop that! Or I'll call your father."
863 Elroy stared at Barb and then leaned quietly over to Shake Tiller
864and stuck out his hand. "Son," he said. "Tell the truth. It ain't better
865than fried chicken, is it?"
866 Shake looked solemnly at Elroy, clasping his hand, and said:
867 "I got to be dead honest, Roy."
868 And Elroy said yeah, lay it on him.
869 Shake said slowly, "For a Lesbian who gave up the only real love she
870ever knew -- Sister Francis at Our Lady of Victory -- and for a person who
871can't make it any more with nothing but an electric toothbrush, she's the
872finest I've ever had."
873 -- Dan Jenkins, "Semi-Tough"
875 Ever thought of putting a ferret down your pants? Yes, ferrets,
876those weasel-like animals originally trained to hunt rats and possessing
877needle sharp claws and razor sharp teeth. The English do it for sport.
878 Ferret Legging involves the tying of a competitors's trousers at
879the ankles and then dropping into the trousers a couple of vicious ferrets.
880No jockstraps or underwear allowed -- nothing but the bodies' own. The
881ferrets must be young and in good condition. Neither the ferret or the
882contestant may be drugged or drunk -- cold eyed sober only. The trousers
883should be loose fitting, to allow the ferret to scramble from one leg to
884the other, and are traditionally white, so that the blood shows better.
885 Normal contestants are able to keep them down for up to 40 seconds.
886The champion ferret legger, Reg Mellor, of Yorkshire, holds the world record
887of 5 hours and 26 minutes. Mr. Mellor's claims that being the champion is
888not so much heroism but, "You just got to be able to have your tool bitten
889and not care."
891 Every morning, the crowd on Coney Island beach was startled to see
892a jogger with the build of a pro football player but a head the size of a
893baseball. Finally, some brave young man got up the nerve to stop him and
894ask, "What happened to give you such a small head?"
895 The jogger sadly told the story of finding a magic lamp on the beach,
896which produced a beautiful genie when rubbed. The genie said, "I now give
897you one wish. Do you want a quick fuck or a little head?"
899 Everyone in the smart nightclub was amazed by the old gentleman,
900obviously pushing 70, tossing off manhattans and cavorting around the dance
901floor like a 20-year old. Finally curiosity got the best of the cigarette
902girl. "I beg your pardon, sir," she said, "but I'm amazed to see a gentleman
903of your age living it up like a youngster. Tell me, are all of your faculties
905 The old fellow looked up at the girl sadly and shook his head. "Not
906all, I'm afraid." he said. "Just last evening I went nightclubbing with a
907girlfriend -- we drank and danced all night and finally rolled into her place
908about two A.M. We went to bed immediately, and I was asleep almost as soon
909as my head hit the pillow. I woke around three-thirty and nudged my girl."
910 "Why, George," she said in surprise, "we did that fifteen minutes ago."
911 "So you see," the old boy said sadly, "my memory is beginning to
912fail me."
914 Farmer Johnson was drunk again.
915 "You know, Anna," he said to his long-suffering wife, "if you could
916only lay eggs we could get rid of all those damn chickens."
917 Anna said nothing. Farmer Johnson tried again. "You know, Anna, if
918only you could give milk we could get rid of that expensive herd of cows."
919 Anna looked at him coolly. "You know, Jack," she said, "if only you
920could get it up once in a while we could get rid of your brother Bob."
922 "First, I'm going to buy you a few drinks and get you a little tight,"
923said the guy aggressively.
924 "Oh, no, you're not," said the girl.
925 "Then I'll take you to dinner at the most exclusive restaurant in
927 "Oh, no, you won't."
928 "Then I'll take you to my apartment and mix up a pitcher of daiquiris."
929 "Oh, no, you won't."
930 "Then I'm going to make violent, mad, passionate love to you."
931 "Oh, no, you're not."
932 "And I'm not going to take any precautions either!" said the guy.
933 "Oh, yes, you are!!" said the girl.
935 For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief
936vacations at this country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an
937affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting
938few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped
939short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!
940 "Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?"
941he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married,
942and the baby would have my name!"
943 "Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition,
944we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and finally decided it would be
945better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."
947 Four Oxford dons were taking their evening walk together and as
948usual, were engaged in casual but learned conversation. On this particular
949evening, their conversation was about the names given to groups of animals,
950such as a "pride of lions" or a "gaggle of geese."
951 One of the professors noticed a group of prostitutes down the block,
952and posed the question, "What name would be given to that group?" The four
953fell into silence for a moment, as they pondered the possibilities...
954 At last, one spoke: "How about 'a Jam of Tarts'?" The others nodded
955in acknowledgement as they continued to consider the problem. A second
956professor spoke: "I'd suggest 'an Essay of Trollops.'" Again, the others
957nodded. A third spoke: "I propose 'a Flourish of Strumpets.'"
958 They continued their walk in silence, until the first professor
959remarked to the remaining professor, who was the most senior and learned of
960the four, "You haven't suggested a name for our ladies. What are your
962 Replied the fourth professor, "'An Anthology of Prose.'"
964 Friends were surprised, indeed, when Frank and Jennifer broke their
965engagement, but Frank had a ready explanation: "Would you marry someone who
966was habitually unfaithful, who lied at every turn, who was selfish and lazy
967and sarcastic?"
968 "Of course not," said a sympathetic friend.
969 "Well," retorted Frank, "neither would Jennifer."
971 "Gentlemen of the jury," said the defense attorney, now beginning
972to warm to his summation, "the real question here before you is, shall this
973beautiful young woman be forced to languish away her loveliest years in a
974dark prison cell? Or shall she be set free to return to her cozy little
975apartment at 4134 Mountain Ave. -- there to spend her lonely, loveless hours
976in her boudoir, lying beside her little Princess phone, 962-7873?"
978 God built a compelling sex drive into every creature, no matter
979what style of fucking it practiced. He made sex irresistibly pleasurable,
980wildly joyous, free from fears. He made it innocent merriment.
981 Needless to say, fucking was an immediate smash hit. Everyone
982agreed, from aardvarks to zebras. All the jolly animals -- lions and
983lambs, rhinoceroses and gazelles, skylarks and lobsters, even insects,
984though most of them fuck only once in a lifetime -- fucked along
985innocently and merrily for hundreds of millions of years. Maybe they
986were dumb animals, but they knew a good thing when they had one.
987 -- Alan Sherman, "The Rape of the A*P*E*"
989 God decided to take the devil to court and settle their
990differences once and for all.
991 When Satan heard of this, he grinned and said, "And just
992where do you think you're going to find a lawyer?"
994 Harry, a golfing enthusiast if there ever was one, arrived home
995from the club to an irate, ranting wife.
996 "I'm leaving you, Harry," his wife announced bitterly. "You
997promised me faithfully that you'd be back before six and here it is almost
998nine. It just can't take that long to play 18 holes of golf."
999 "Honey, wait," said Harry. "Let me explain. I know what I promised
1000you, but I have a very good reason for being late. Fred and I tee'd off
1001right on time and everything was fine for the first three holes. Then, on
1002the fourth tee Fred had a stroke. I ran back to the clubhouse but couldn't
1003find a doctor. And, by the time I got back to Fred, he was dead. So, for
1004the next 15 holes, it was hit the ball, drag Fred, hit the ball, drag Fred...
1006 Harry constantly irritated his friends with his eternal optimism.
1007No matter how bad the situation, he would always say, "Well, it could have
1008been worse."
1009 To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a
1010situation so completely black, so dreadful, that even Harry could find no
1011hope in it. Approaching him at the club bar one day, one of them said,
1012"Harry! Did you hear what happened to George? He came home last night,
1013found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both, and then turned
1014the gun on himself!"
1015 "Terrible," said Harry. "But it could have been worse."
1016 "How in hell," demanded his dumfounded friend, "could it possibly
1017have been worse?"
1018 "Well," said Harry, "if it had happened the night before, I'd be
1019dead right now."
1021 Harry was delighted when he found a young woman who accepted his
1022proposal of marriage as he was pretty sensitive about his artificial leg
1023and afraid that no one would have him. In fact, he couldn't bring himself
1024to tell his fiancee about his leg when he slipped the ring on her finger,
1025nor when she bought the dress, nor when they picked the time and place.
1026All he kept saying was, "Darling, I've got a big surprise for you," at which
1027she blushed and smiled bewitchingly.
1028 The wedding came and went, and the young couple were at last alone
1029in their honeymoon suite. "Now don't forget, Harry, you promised me a big
1030surprise," smiled the bride.
1031 Unable to say a word, Harry turned out the lights, unstrapped his
1032leg, slipped into bed, and placed his wife's hand on the stump.
1033 "Hmmmmm," she said softly, "that IS a surprise. But pass me the
1034Vaseline and I'll see what I can do!"
1036 "Heard you were moving your piano, so I came over to help."
1037 "Thanks. Got it upstairs already."
1038 "Do it alone?"
1039 "Nope. Hitched the cat to it."
1040 "How would that help?"
1041 "Used a whip."
1043 "Hello, Mrs. Premise!"
1044 "Oh, hello, Mrs. Conclusion! Busy day?"
1045 "Busy? I just spent four hours burying the cat."
1046 "Four hours to bury a cat!?"
1047 "Yes, he wouldn't keep still: wrigglin' about, 'owlin'..."
1048 "Oh, it's not dead then."
1049 "Oh no, no, but it's not at all a well cat, and as we're
1050goin' away for a fortnight I thought I'd better bury it just to be
1051on the safe side."
1052 "Quite right. You don't want to come back from Sorrento
1053to a dead cat, do you?"
1054 -- Monty Python
1056 "Hello, Police Department."
1057 "This is Thomas Parrish, 903 Sylvester Court. I've just been sexually
1058molested by a pervert, right here in my own home. It was horrifying!"
1059 "Just remain calm, sir, and tell me about it."
1060 "Well, the man came in the window wearing a ski mask. I was napping
1061on the bed, in just my pajamas, and the TV set was on so I didn't hear anything.
1062Suddenly he had his great big old calloused hand over my mouth, holding me down.
1063I tried to scream... he was pulling my pants off. I was so frightened! He
1064held a knife to my throat and undressed so quickly. What could I do? I
1065couldn't stop him. He was huge. A great, hairy, beefy man, more than fifty
1066pounds heavier than I am, and hung like... Oh! it was terrible. He had an
1067erection, and he knelt on my shoulders and forced the awful thing down my
1068throat; forced me to suck it. Yes, officer! There was no escaping this man.
1069Finally, when I thought I would faint, he got off me and turned me over on
1070my tummy, forcing my legs apart with his knees, and oh! I'm so embarrassed to
1071say it, he put that huge thing... It must have been a foot long, and I don't
1072know how thick... into my... Just a minute."
1073 "What's the matter, mister?"
1074 "Listen, I have to hang up now, he's getting out of the shower."
1076 Here is the problem: for many years, the Supreme Court wrestled
1077with the issue of pornography, until finally Associate Justice John
1078Paul Stevens came up with the famous quotation about how he couldn't
1079define pornography, but he knew it when he saw it. So for a while, the
1080court's policy was to have all the suspected pornography trucked to
1081Justice Stevens' house, where he would look it over. "Nope, this isn't
1082it," he'd say. "Bring some more." This went on until one morning when
1083his housekeeper found him trapped in the recreation room under an
1084enormous mound of rubberized implements, and the court had to issue a
1085ruling stating that it didn't know what the hell pornography was except
1086that it was illegal and everybody should stop badgering the court about
1087it because the court was going to take a nap.
1088 -- Dave Barry, "Pornography"
1090 "How'd you get that flat?"
1091 "Ran over a bottle."
1092 "Didn't you see it?"
1093 "Damn kid had it under his coat."
1095 "I believe you have the wrong number," said the old gentleman into
1096the phone. "You'll have to call the weather bureau for that information."
1097 "Who was that?" his young wife asked.
1098 "Some guy wanting to know if the coast was clear."
1100 "I know a life of crime led me to this sorry state. I blame
1101society. Society made me what I am today!"
1102 "That's bullshit Archie. You're just a young suburban punk
1103like me."
1104 "It still... hurts... auugghh!"
1105 "You're going to be okay..."
1106 "...gurgle..."
1107 "... maybe not."
1108 -- Repo Man
1110 "I need a camel that can go without water for at least three weeks,"
1111the American said to an Algerian camel merchant. "Is it possible?"
1112 "All things are possible," replied the merchant. He proceeded to
1113take a camel out of his barn and lead him to a tank of water. After the
1114camel had drunk its fill and was about to lift its head out of the tank,
1115the merchant picked up two nearby bricks, one in each hand, stepped behind
1116the camel, and smacked his testicles with the bricks.
1117 The camel let out a gigantic "Whhoooosh!" and sucked up what seemed
1118like twenty more gallons of water.
1119 The American stared incredulously at the camel merchant. "My God,
1120man!" he exclaimed, "doesn't that hurt?!"
1121 The merchant shrugged. "Only if you get your thumbs in between the
1124 "I think my wife may be getting somewhat overweight.
1125 "Oh, how can you tell?"
1126 "Well, last night when she sat on my face, I couldn't
1127hear the stereo."
1129 I went into a bar feeling a little depressed, the bartender said,
1130"What'll you have, Bud"?
1131 I said," I don't know, surprise me".
1132 So he showed me a nude picture of my wife.
1133 -- Rodney Dangerfield
1135 "I'm looking for adventure, excitement, beautiful women," cried the
1136young man to his father as he prepared to leave home. "Don't try to stop me.
1137I'm on my way."
1138 "Who's trying to stop you?" shouted the father. "Take me along!"
1140 In the beginning, God created the Earth and he said, "Let there be
1142 And there was mud.
1143 And God said, "Let Us make living creatures out of mud, so the mud
1144can see what we have done."
1145 And God created every living creature that now moveth, and one was
1146man. Mud-as-man alone could speak.
1147 "What is the purpose of all this?" man asked politely.
1148 "Everything must have a purpose?" asked God.
1149 "Certainly," said man.
1150 "Then I leave it to you to think of one for all of this," said God.
1151 And He went away.
1152 -- Kurt Vonnegut, Between Time and Timbuktu"
1154 In the morning, laughing, happy fish heads
1155 In the evening, floating in the soup.
1157Fish heads, fish heads, roly-poly fish heads;
1158Fish heads, fish heads, eat them up. Yum!
1159 You can ask them anything you want to.
1160 They won't answer; they can't talk.
1162 I took a fish head out to see a movie,
1163 Didn't have to pay to get it in.
1165 They can't play baseball; they don't wear sweaters;
1166 They aren't good dancers; they can't play drums.
1168 Roly-poly fish heads are NEVER seen drinking cappucino in
1169 Italian restaurants with Oriental women.
1171 Fishy!
1173 -- Fish Heads
1175 In what can only be described as a surprise move, God has officially
1176announced His candidacy for the U.S. presidency. During His press conference
1177today, the first in over 4000 years, He is quoted as saying, "I think I have
1178a chance for the White House if I can just get my campaign pulled together
1179in time. I'd like to get this country turned around; I mean REALLY turned
1180around! Let's put Florida up north for awhile, and let's get rid of all
1181those annoying mountains and rivers. I never could stand them!"
1182 There apparently is still some controversy over the Almighty's
1183citizenship and other qualifications for the Presidency. God replied to
1184these charges by saying, "Come on, would the United States have anyone other
1185than a citizen bless their country?"
1187 It seems there were two young Marines walking down the street, and
1188they chanced upon a lady who was both very proper and very well endowed.
1189One of them said, "Wow! What tits! Hey lady, would I love to snuggle up with
1190them for awhile. What are you doing this afternoon?"
1191 Well, the other Marine thought that was just about the most shameful
1192thing he had ever witnessed, and felt that he had to restore the honor of the
1193Corps. "Pardon my friend, Ma'am," he apologized, "He's not been very well
1194brought up and don't know how to talk to cunt."
1196 It was April the 41st, being a quadruple leap year. I was driving
1197in downtown Atlantis. My Barracuda was in the shop, so I was in a rented
1198Stingray, and it was overheating. So I pulled into a Shell station. They
1199said I'd blown a seal. I said, "Fix the damn thing and leave my private
1200life out of it, okay, pal?" While they were doing that, I walked over to the
1201Oyster Bar. A real dive. But I knew the owner. He used to play for the
1202Dolphins. I said "Hi, Gil!" You have to yell -- he's hard of herring.
1203 -- Kip Addotta, "Wet Dream"
1205 It was in a bar in midtown Manhattan and the Frenchman and the
1206American were talking about love over some dry Martinis. "Deed you know,
1207sir," the Frenchman said, "that een my country thair are 79 different
1208ways how to make the REAL, passionate luff?"
1209 "Do tell?" said the American. "Well, that's amazing. In this
1210country there's only one."
1211 "Just one?" the Frenchman said, condescendingly. "And what eez
1213 "Well, there's a man and a woman, and --"
1214 "Sacre bleu!!" exclaimed the Frenchman. "Numbair 80!"
1216 "Jean, what is this attraction between Catholic girls and
1217Jewish men?"
1218 "You really want to know?"
1219 "Yeah."
1220 "Well, Carol, Jewish men are great in bed... right, Bob? And
1221Catholic girls fuck like bunnies."
1223 Joan, the rather well-proportioned secretary, spent almost all of
1224her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit
1225the frist day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her
1226way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan. She'd hardly
1227begun when she heard someone running up the stairs; she was lying on her
1228stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.
1229 "Excuse me, miss," said the flustered little assistant manager of
1230the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't
1231mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your
1232wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday."
1233 "What difference does it make," Joan asked rather calmly. "No one
1234can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel."
1235 "Not exactly," said the embarrassed little man. "You're lying on
1236the dining room skylight."
1238 Many lower life forms demonstrate qualities that, at first, just don't
1239seem survival oriented. For instance, the female praying mantis, after mating
1240with, well, her mate, will devour him. For the male praying mantis, however,
1241it's a catch-22. If he mates, he gets screwed out of an opportunity to mate
1242again. If he doesn't mate, he doesn't reproduce, ending his family tree. This
1243suicidal behavior is commonly called the Preying Mantis Syndrome -- and many
1244life forms are periodically subject to its wrath. How did the preying mantis
1245become stuck in such a awful, vicious cycle? This is probably what happened:
1246 The male mantis arrives at the residence of the female mantis. After
1247some courtship exercises (dinner, a movie, inserting the diaphragm) they mate.
1248The female mantis, her lust for... lust being satisfied, relaxes while the
1249male raids the refrigerator and returns home. This behavior continues until
1250the male and female (mantissas?) establish a permanent relationship. Then the
1251male establishes a new pattern of behavior: Football on Mondays, baseball on
1252Tuesdays, happy hour on Wednesdays, uh, well, uh, working-late-at-the-office
1253on Thursdays, etc. etc. The female tolerates this for awhile, then files for
1254a divorce. After a long court battle, she concludes one thing: It simplifies
1255matters tremendously to just eat him when you're done with him.
1256 Well, through the centuries of evolution, the Preying Mantis Syndrome
1257has been carried up to the highest life forms, as well as to humans. That is
1258why, one week out of every month, the female of the species will feel compelled
1259to bite the head off of the male. The Syndrome is inescapable, but when it
1260occurs in the female of our species, it's best to just avoid them for a while.
1262 Mr. Hersh came home to find his wife sitting naked in front of the
1263mirror, admiring her breasts.
1264 "And what do you think you're doing?" he asked.
1265 "I went to the doctor today and he said I have the breasts of a
1267 "Oh yeah? And what did he have to say about your forty-year-old
1269 "Nothing," she replied. "Your name didn't come up at all."
1271 Murray and Esther, a middle-aged Jewish couple, are touring Chile.
1272Murray just got a new camera and is constantly snapping pictures. One day,
1273without knowing it, he photographs a top-secret military installation. In
1274an instant, armed troops surround Murray and Esther and hustle them off to
1276 They can't prove who they are because they've left their passports
1277in their hotel room. For three weeks they're tortured day and night to get
1278them to name their contacts in the liberation movement... Finally they're
1279hauled in front of a military court, charged with espionage, and sentenced
1280to death.
1281 The next morning they're lined up in front of the wall where they'll
1282be shot. The sergeant in charge of the firing squad asks them if they have
1283any last requests. Esther wants to know if she can call her daughter in
1284Chicago. The sergeant says he's sorry, that's not possible, and turns to
1286 "This is crazy!" Murray shouts. "We're not spies!" And he
1287spits in the sergeants face.
1288 "Murray!" Esther cries. "Please! Don't make trouble."
1289 -- Arthur Naiman
1291 "My husband commits an inconceivable act of perversion with a
1292barnyard animal, and it's not central to my case?!"
1293 "Not in California."
1295 "My mother," said the sweet young steno, "says there are some things
1296a girl should not do before twenty."
1297 "Your mother is right," said the executive, "I don't like a large
1298audience, either."
1300 Never ask your lover if he'd dive in front of an oncoming train for
1301you. He doesn't know. Never ask your lover if she'd dive in front of an
1302oncoming band of Hell's Angels for you. She doesn't know. Never ask how many
1303cigarettes your lover has smoked today. Cancer is a personal commitment.
1304 Never ask to see pictures of your lover's former lovers -- especially
1305the ones who dived in front of trains. If you look like one of them, you are
1306repeating history's mistakes. If you don't, you'll wonder what he or she saw
1307in the others.
1308 While we are on the subject of pictures: You may admire the picture
1309of your lover cavorting naked in a tidal pool on Maui. Don't ask who took
1310it. The answer is obvious. A Japanese tourist took the picture.
1311 Never ask if your lover has had therapy. Only people who have had
1312therapy ask if people have had therapy.
1313 Don't ask about plaster casts of male sex organs marked JIMI, JIM, etc.
1314Assume that she bought them at a flea market.
1315 -- James Peterson and Kate Nolan
1317 Never take a resume seriously. Resumes only make money for the
1318people who write the resumes. No resume ever tells an employer how many
1319times a job applicant has had the clap.
1320 Why, indeed, would anyone hire a person based on a resume written
1321by a professional liar?
1322 If the applicant is a man, the employer must ask only one question:
1323did the applicant go to TCU?
1324 If the applicant is a woman, the employer may simply ask: does she
1325have a tongue that can lick the paint off a dormitory wall?
1326 -- Dan Jenkins, "Baja Oklahoma"
1328 On the occasion of Nero's 25th birthday, he arrived at the Colosseum
1329to find that the Praetorian Guard had prepared a treat for him in the arena.
1330There stood 25 naked virgins, like candles on a cake, tied to poles, burning
1331alive. "Wonderful!" exclaimed the deranged emperor, "but one of them isn't
1332dead yet. I can see her lips moving. Go quickly and find out what she is
1334 The centurion saluted, and hurried out to the virgin, getting as near
1335the flames as he dared, and listened intently. Then he turned and ran back
1336to the imperial box. "She is not talking," he reported to Nero, "she is
1338 "Singing?" said the astounded emperor. "Singing what?"
1339 "Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you..."
1341 Once in a medieval times...there was a King who was getting sort of
1342bored after dinner one night. He decided to hold a contest of who at the
1343court had the mightiest "weapon". The first knight stood up and proclaimed
1344that he had the mightiest weapon... he pulled down his pants and tied a 5
1345pound weight around it. The weapon doth rose. The crowds cheered... the
1346women swooned... the children waved multi-colored banners... and the band
1347played appropriate music.
1348 Another knight stood up and claimed that he had the mightiest weapon.
1349He dropped his pants and tied a 10 pound weight to himself. The weapon doth
1350rose. The crowds cheered... the women swooned... the children waved
1351multi-colored banners... and the band played appropriate music.
1352 After several more knights tried to prove their superiority... the
1353King finally spoke out. "I have the mightiest weapon of them all!" He dropped
1354his pants and tied, not a 10 pound, not a 20 pound, not ever a thirty pound,
1355but a 40 pound weight, plus a coffee pot, to himself. The weapon doth rose.
1356The crowds cheered... the women swooned... the children waved multi-colored
1357banners... and the band played "God Save the Queen."
1359 One day a mother and daughter are walking around a farming community
1360and they see a stallion mounting a mare. The daughter takes in the scene and
1361turns to her mother. "Mommy, what are those two horses doing?"
1362 Her mother hastily answered, "The horse on top hurt its hoof, and the
1363one on the bottom is carrying him back to the stable."
1364 The daughter shook her head and sadly replied, "Isn't that just the
1365way it goes? Try to help someone and you get fucked."
1367 One night when his charge was pretty high, Micro-Farad decided to
1368seek out a cute little coil to let him discharge. He picked up Milli-Amp
1369and took her for a ride on his Megacycle. They rode across the Wheatstone
1370bridge, around the sine waves, and stopped in the magnetic field by the
1371flowing current. Micro-Farad, attracted by Milli-Amp's characteristic curves,
1372soon had her fully charged and excited, her resistance to a minimum. He laid
1373her on the ground potential, raised her frequency, and lowered her reluctance.
1374He pulled out his high voltage probe and inserted it into her socket,
1375connecting them in parallel and began short circuiting her resistance shunt.
1376Fully excited, Milli-Amp mumbled: "OHM-OHM-OHM."
1377 With his tube operating at a maximum and her field vibrating with
1378his current flow, it caused her shunt to overheat, and Micro-Farad was rapidly
1379discharged and drained of every electron. They Fluxed all night trying
1380various connections and sockets until his magnet had a soft core and lost
1381all of its field strength.
1382 Afterwards, Milli-Amp tried self-induction and damaged her
1383solenoids. With his battery fully discharged, Micro-Farad was unable to
1384excite his field, so they spent the night reversing polarity and blowing
1385each others fuses.
1386 -- Eddie Currents, "The Sex Life of an Electron"
1388 One of my favorite Zoo jokes has to do with a woman who, while
1389visiting the zoo, decided to have a little fun with the Gorilla. She walks
1390up to his cage, reaches in, and begins to fondle the beast. Needless to
1391say, the animal becomes quite excited, and as he tries to reciprocate in
1392kind, the woman steps back and gives him a raspberry...!
1393 The gorilla becomes enraged. He rips the bars from his cage, grabs
1394the woman, drags her back into the cage, and ravishes her. While doing so,
1395he inflicts a great deal of harm upon her person.
1396 Later, at the hospital, a neighbor of the woman visits and exclaims,
1397"Oh, you poor dear...! Are you hurt?"
1398 "Hurt!", "Hurt!?" the injured lady sobs, "He doesn't phone. He
1399never writes..."
1401 One PAYDAY, MR. GOODBAR wanted a BIT O' HONEY. So he took his Miss
1402HERSHEY behind the POWERHOUSE on the corner of 5th AVENUE and CLARK where he
1403there began to feel her MOUNDS. And that was an ALMOND JOY which definitely
1404made his TOOSIE ROLL.
1405 He let out a SNICKER as he slipped his BUTTERFINGER up her KIT KAT
1406which of course caused the MILKY WAY. She screamed "OH, HENRY!" as she
1407squeezed his PETER, PAUL and ZAGNUTS and said "you're better then the 3
1409 -- John Volby (Dr. Dirty), "The Candy Bar Poem"
1411 One spring evening, after a hard rain, grandpa and grandson were
1412sitting out on the porch, talking. Grandpa spied a worm crawling up out
1413of its hole and said to his grandson, "Sonny, if you can get that there
1414worm back down its hole, I'll give you five dollars."
1415 "Sure!", says sonny, and runs in the house. Out he runs an
1416instant later with a can of hairspray, grabs the worm, and sprays it with
1417the hairspray as it dangles earthward. He then slips the stiff worm back
1418into its hole and turns to his grandpa with a huge smile on his face.
1419 "Well, I'll be. That was pretty smart there, boy.", he says.
1420"Here's your fiver.", he adds as he fishes out a bill. By then it's almost
1421dark, and they say their goodnights and part.
1422 The next day sonny's playing out on the porch, and grandpa comes
1423out of the house and gives him a five. "But you gave me my five yesterday,
1424grandpa.", he remarks.
1425 "Yep, I know. This is from your Grandma."
1427 "Our school, madame, postulates, first of all, that since the
1428science of mathematics is an abstract science, it is best inculcated by
1429some concrete example."
1430 Said the Queen, "But that sounds rather complicated."
1431 "It occasionally leads to complications," Jurgen admitted, "through
1432a choice of the wrong example. But the axiom is no less true."
1433 "Come, then, and sit next to me on this couch if you can find it in
1434the dark; and do you explain to me what you mean."
1435 "Why, madame, by a concrete example I mean one that is perceptible
1436to any of the senses -- as to sight or hearing, or touch --"
1437 "Oh, oh!" said the Queen, "now I perceive what you mean by a concrete
1438example. And grasping this, I can understand that complications must of
1439course arise from a choice of the wrong example."
1440 -- James Branch Cabell, "Jurgen"
1442 Out on the great American desert one day, a bald eagle reached a
1443state of great libidal distress. Pickings were slim, but in time, he saw a
1444dove flying by. "Better than nothin'", he muttered (birds in jokes can mutter)
1445and swooped down, grabbed the dove and flew to his nest. Feathers flew, and
1446eventually the dove tottered to the edge of the cliff and shouted (yes, they
1447shout, too):
1448 "I'm a dove! I've been loved! And I LIKE it!"
1449 Well, this took care of the old boy for a while but soon enough he
1450was at it again. All he could find was a lark, so away he went, and feathers
1451flew and soon the lark tottered to the edge of the cliff and shouted:
1452 "I'm a lark! I've been sparked! And I LIKE it!"
1453 As you can guess, some time later our friend was again in need of
1454amor... lib... you know! This time, all that happened by was... a duck!
1455So down he swooped, and feathers flew, and the next thing seen is the duck
1456tottering to the cliffside and shouting:
1459 People who claim to know jackrabbits will tell you they are primarily
1460motivated by Fear, Stupidity and Craziness. But I have spent enough time in
1461jackrabbit country to know that most of them lead pretty dull lives; they are
1462bored with their daily routines: eat, fuck, sleep, hop around a bush now and
1463then... No wonder some of them drift over the line into cheap thrills once in
1464a while; there has to be a powerful adrenaline rush in crouching by the side of
1465a road, waiting for the next set of headlights to come along, then streaking
1466out of the bushes with split-second timing and making it across to the other
1467side just inches in front of the speeding front wheels.
1468 Why not? Anything that gets the adrenaline moving like a 440 volt
1469blast in a copper bathtub is good for the reflexes and keeps the veins free
1470of cholesterol ... but too many adrenaline rushes in any given time-span has
1471the same bad effect on the nervous system as too many electro-shock treatments
1472are said to have on the brain: after a while you start burning out the
1474 When a jackrabbit gets addicted to road running, it is only a matter
1475of time before he gets smashed -- and when a journalist turns into a politics
1476junkie he will sooner or later start raving and babbling in print about things
1477that only a person who has Been There can possibly understand.
1478 -- Hunter Thompson, "Fear and Loathing: On the Campaign Trail"
1480 People who write position papers often find themselves in an
1481enviable position. They are hired to write papers for both sides of the
1483 A good position paper will have many words in it like
1484"superincumbence," "egress," and "plurification."
1485 You will not often find the phrase "lightweight dropcase
1486limp-wristed motherfucker" in a serious position paper.
1487 Charts and multiplication tables should always be included in
1488position papers. They should look complicated enough to make Albert
1489Einstein stagger across the room for a Tylenol.
1490 A good position paper will never underestimate the value of a
1492 -- Dan Jenkins, "Baja Oklahoma"
1494 Santa Claus comes down the chimney and the nubile sixteen-year-old
1495has been waiting for him. Santa sees her, and in typically unflappable
1496Santa-style says, "And what do you want for Christmas, little girl?"
1497 The girl, and she's not so little, tells him. Well, Santa is
1498definitely flapped by this, but he manages to come out with, "Ho ho ho,
1499gotta go, gotta get the children their toys, you know."
1500 The girl, not to be daunted, takes off her robe. "Aw, please stay
1501Santa," she begs.
1502 He replies, "Ho ho ho, gotta go, gotta get the children their toys,
1503you know."
1504 She then takes off her pajama top, her firm pouting breasts pointing
1505at Santa like an accusation. "Aw, please stay Santa," she pleads.
1506 "Ho ho ho, gotta go, gotta get the children their toys, you know."
1507 Finally, she takes off her pajama bottoms, revealing to Santa her
1508warm mound of delight. "Aw, please stay, Santa," she begs.
1509 Being only mortal, Santa finally gives in, sighing, "Hey hey hey,
1510gotta stay, can't get up the chimney with my dick this way."
1512 Sentenced to two years hard labor (for sodomy), Oscar Wilde
1513stood handcuffed in driving rain waiting for transport to prison. "If
1514this is the way Queen Victoria treats her prisoners," he remarked, "she
1515doesn't deserve to have any."
1517 James McNeill Whistler's (painter of "Whistler's Mother")
1518failure in his West Point chemistry examination once provoked him to
1519remark in later life, "If silicon had been a gas, I should have been a
1520major general."
1522 (German philosopher) Georg Wilhelm Hegel, on his deathbed,
1523complained, "Only one man ever understood me." He fell silent for a
1524while and then added, "And he didn't understand me."
1526 Driving through a Swiss city one day, Alfred Hitchcock suddenly
1527pointed out of the car window and said, "That is the most frightening
1528sight I have ever seen." His companion was surprised to see nothing
1529more alarming than a priest in conversation with a little boy, his hand
1530on the child's shoulder. "Run, little boy," cried Hitchcock, leaning
1531out of the car. "Run for your life!"
1533 Grover Cleveland, though constantly at loggerheads with the
1534Senate, got on better with the House of Representatives. A popular
1535story circulating during his presidency concerned the night he was
1536roused by his wife crying, "Wake up! I think there are burglars in the
1538 "No, no, my dear," said the president sleepily, "in the Senate
1539maybe, but not in the House."
1542 Shortly after arriving at their honeymoon destination, the
1543still-nervous groom became worried about the state of his bride's innocence.
1544Deciding on a direct confrontation, he quickly undressed, pointed at his
1545exposed manhood and asked his mate, "Do you know what this is?"
1546 Without hesitation, she blushingly answered, "That's a wee-wee."
1547 Delighted at the idea of instructing his naive wife in the ways of
1548love, the husband whispered, "From now on, dearest, this will be called a
1550 "Oh, come now," the girl chided. "I've seen lots of pricks and I
1551assure you, that's a wee-wee."
1553 Shortly after Churchill had grown a moustache, he was accosted by a
1554certain young lady whose political views were in direct opposition to his
1555own. Fancying herself something of a wag, she exclaimed, "Mr. Churchill, I
1556care for neither your politics nor your moustache." Unabashed, the young
1557statesman regarded her quietly for a moment, the wryly commented, "Suck my
1559 While serving as a subaltern in the Boer War, the young Churchill was
1560asked by a superior officer to give his opinion of the Boers as soldiers.
1561 "They're assholes, sir," he ventured, then paused briefly and added, with a
1562whimsical smile, "They're assholes."
1563 Churchill was given to reading in the bathtub and, while staying at
1564the White House, he once became so engrossed in an account of the Battle of
1565Fonteney that he forgot President Roosevelt was due to drop by to discuss the
1566upcoming conference in Yalta. At the appointed hour, the President was
1567wheeled into Churchill's quarters only to be informed that the Prime Minister
1568had not finished bathing. Roosevelt was about to apologize for the intrusion
1569and depart when Churchill, puffing his customary cigar, strode into the room
1570stark naked and greeted the nonplussed world leader with a terse, "What are
1571you staring at, homo?"
1572 -- "The Churchill Wit", National Lampoon
1574 "Sir", said the beggar, "can you spare fifty dollars for a cup of
1576 "Fifty dollars for a cup of coffee, one should be sufficient!",
1577answered the gentleman, rather shortly.
1578 "I know", replied the beggar, "but coffee always makes me horny."
1580 "That wife of mine is a liar," said the angry husband to a
1581sympathetic pal seated next to him in a bar.
1582 "How do you know?" the friend asked.
1583 "She didn't come home last night, and when I asked her where
1584she'd been she said she'd spent the night with her sister Shirley."
1585 "So?"
1586 "So, she's a liar. I spent the night with her sister Shirley."
1588 The big problem with pornography is defining it. You can't just
1589say it's pictures of people naked. For example, you have these
1590primitive African tribes that exist by chasing the wildebeest on foot,
1591and they have to go around largely naked, because, as the old tribal
1592saying goes: "N'wam k'honi soit qui mali," which means, "If you think
1593you can catch a wildebeest in this climate and wear clothes at the same
1594time, then I have some beach front property in the desert region of
1595Northern Mali that you may be interested in."
1596 So it's not considered pornographic when National Geographic
1597publishes color photographs of these people hunting the wildebeest
1598naked, or pounding one rock onto another rock for some primitive reason
1599naked, or whatever. But if National Geographic were to publish an
1600article entitled "The Girls of the California Junior College System
1601Hunt the Wildebeest Naked," some people would call it pornography. But
1602others would not. And still others, such as the Spectacularly Rev.
1603Jerry Falwell, would get upset about seeing the wildebeest naked.
1604 -- Dave Barry, "Pornography"
1606 The defense attorney was hammering away at the plaintiff:
1607"You claim," he jeered, "that my client came at you with a broken bottle
1608in his hand. But is it not true, that you had something in YOUR hand?"
1609 "Yes," the man admitted, "his wife. Very charming, of course,
1610but not much good in a fight."
1612 The devout Jew was beside himself because his son had been dating
1613a shiksa, so he went to visit his rabbi. The rabbi listened solemnly to
1614his problem, took his hand, and said, "Pray to God."
1615 So the Jew went to the synagogue, bowed his head, and prayed, "God,
1616please help me. My son, my favorite son, he's going to marry a shiksa, he
1617sees nothing but goyim..."
1618 "Your son," boomed down this voice from the heavens, "you think
1619you got problems. What about my son?"
1621 The doctor had just finished giving the young man a thorough
1622physical examination. "The best thing for you to do," the M.D. said,
1623"is give up drinking, give up smoking, get to bed early and stay away
1624from women."
1625 "Doc, I don't deserve the best," pleaded his patient. "What's
1626second best?"
1628 The famous Nell Gwynn, stepping one day from a house where she had
1629made a short visit into her coach, saw a great crowd assembled, and her
1630footman all bloody and dirty; the fellow being asked by his mistress, the
1631reason for his being in that condition, answered, "I have been fighting,
1632madam, with an impudent rascal who called your ladyship a whore."
1633 "You blockhead," replied Mrs. Gywnn, "at this rate you must fight
1634every day of your life; why, you fool, all the world knows it."
1635 "Do they?" cries the fellow, in a muttering voice, after he had shut
1636the coach door, "they shan't call me a whore's footman for all that."
1637 -- Henry Fielding, "Tom Jones"
1639 The foreman of a lumber camp put a new workman on the circular saw.
1640As he turned away, he heard the man say, "Ouch!".
1641 "What happened?"
1642 "Dunno," replied the man. "I just stuck out my hand like this, and
1643-- well, I'll be damned. There goes another one!"
1645 The honeymooning couple agreed it was a fine day for horseback riding.
1646After a mile or so, the bride's mount cantered under a low tree and a
1647branch scraped her forehead lightly. The groom dismounted, glared at his
1648wife's horse, and said, "That's number one."
1649 The ride then proceeded. After another mile or so, the bride's
1650horse stumbled over a pebble and the lady suffered a slight jostling.
1651Again, her man leapt from his saddle and strode over to the nervous animal.
1652"That's two," he said.
1653 Five miles later, the bride's horse became frightened when a rabbit
1654crossed its path, reared up and threw the girl. Immediately, the groom was
1655off his horse. "That's three!", he shouted, and, pulling out a pistol, he
1656shot the horse between the eyes.
1657 "You brute!" shrieked his bride. "Now I see the kind of man I
1658married! You're a sadist, that's what!"
1659 The groom turned to her coolly. "That's one," he said.
1661 The man standing at the bar (in court, unfortunately) was well-
1662dressed, alert and obviously intelligent. The judge asked him how he
1663pleaded to the charge of rape and, much to the magistrate's surprise, he
1664replied, "Not guilty by reason of insanity, your Honor."
1665 "Insanity?" exclaimed the judge.
1666 "Yes, sir," said the defendant. "I'm just crazy about it."
1668 The new patron was amazed by the cleanliness of the restaurant. A
1669waiter approached the table. "Good afternoon, sir. What may I serve you?"
1670 "I'll have the steak dinner," the man answered.
1671 As the waiter headed for the kitchen, the diner noticed that he
1672wore a spotless white apron and clean white gloves. Soon the waiter
1673returned, bearing a casserole dish on a cart which he uncovered to reveal
1674two tempting filet mignons. From a covered pocket in his apron he produced
1675a small pair of shining silver tongs and with them he transferred the meat
1676from the steaming casserole to the diner's plate. "We never touch anything
1677with our hands," he explained.
1678 The waiter continued serving. "Confidentially," he said, "we even
1679have a special set of rules about visiting the lavatory. Do you see this
1680little piece of string attached to my apron?"
1681 "Yes," the diner replied. "I noticed that all the aprons had one."
1682 The waiter put a large browned potato on the plate with his tongs.
1683"Well," he began, "if I should have to go to the bathroom, that string
1684comes in very handily. I simply unzip my pants and take it out with that
1685piece of string. That way everything stays sanitary."
1686 "But how do you put it back?"
1687 "Well, I don't know about the other guys," the waiter confided, "but
1688I use the tongs."
1690 The old mailman is making his last rounds; he retires at the end of
1691the week. As he approaches the Jones' house, Mrs. Jones greets him warmly at
1692the door. "Please come in! We're very grateful for your years of service to
1693us and our neighborhood. I've prepared something special for you."
1694 In walks the mailman, to a graciously appointed dining room, where
1695Mrs. Jones has prepared a sumptuous lunch. After dumping his letter satchel
1696on the couch, he and Mrs. Jones have a charming meal. As the mailman finished
1697his last glass of wine, thanking his hostess profusely, she stops him from
1698leaving and disappears upstairs. She returns in a moment, in a daring
1699negligee, and takes the astonished postman to the bedroom, where the elaborate
1700farewell is consummated between the sheets.
1701 As he's putting his pants on, Mrs. Jones reaches into her nightstand,
1702pulls out a dollar bill, and hands it to him. Reacting to his astonished
1703look, she says, "Well, I told my husband that you were retiring and that
1704we should do something for you. He said 'Fuck him. Give him a dollar!'"
1705She pauses and smiles proudly. "The lunch was MY idea."
1707 The other day my girlfriend and I were going to a party and on the
1708way there, we got a flat tire. We got out of the car and I pumped, she
1709jacked I pumped, she jacked, I pumped, she jacked and then we changed the
1710tire. Eventually we arrived at the party and when we walked in, everyone was
1711jumping for joy. What a sight seeing her hanging nude from the chandelier!
1712Well the party was OK, I guess, we just sat around drinking sherry and eating
1713candy. Everybody else started feeling merry. Those have got to be the three
1714wildest girls I know.
1716 The people of Halifax invented the trampoline. During the Victorian
1717period the tripe-dressers of Halifax stretched tripe across a large wooden
1718frame and jumped up and down on it to `tender and dress' it. The tripoline,
1719as they called it, degenerated into becoming the apparatus for a spectator
1721 The people of Halifax also invented the harmonium, a device for
1722castrating pigs during Sunday service.
1723 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
1725 The radio was screaming: "Power to the People -- Right On!" John
1726Lennon's political song, ten years too late. "That poor fool should have
1727stayed where he was," said my attorney. "Punks like him only get in the
1728way when they try to be serious."
1729 "Speaking of serious," I said. "I think it's about time to get
1730into the ether and the cocaine."
1731 "Forget ether," he said. "Let's save it for soaking down the rug
1732in the suite. But here's this. Your half of the sunshine blotter. Just
1733chew it up like baseball gum."
1734 I took the blotter and ate it. My attorney was now fumbling with
1735the salt shaker containing the cocaine. Opening it. Spilling it. Then
1736screaming and grabbing at the air, as our fine white dust blew up and out
1737across the desert highway. A very expensive little twister rising up from
1738the Great Red Shark. "Oh, Jesus!" he moaned. "Did you see what God just
1739did to us?"
1740 -- Raoul Duke, "Rolling Stone", issue 95, Nov. 11, 1971
1744 1. WITTY AND CHARMING: This is after one or two drinks. The tongue is
1745 loosened and can yet remain in step with the brain. In the "witty
1746 and charming" state, one is likely to use foreign idioms and and
1747 phrases such as "au contraire" in place of "No way, Jose" or
1748 "Bullsheyet".
1749 2. RICH AND POWERFUL: By the third drink, you begin mentioning the little
1750 380 SL you've had your eye on down at the Mercedes place.
1751 3. BENEVOLENT: You'll buy her a Mercedes, too. It's only money.
1752 4. JUST ONE MORE AND THEN WE'LL EAT: Stall tactic.
1753 5. TO HELL WITH DINNER: Just one more and then we'll eat.
1754 6. PATRIOTIC: The war stories begin.
1755 7. CRANK UP THE "ENOLA GAY": "We could have won in Nam, but..."
1756 8. INVISIBLE: So this is what the Ladies' Room looks like.
1757 9. WITTY AND CHARMING PART II: You know, you don't sweat much for a fat girl.
175810. BULLETPROOF: Bull-sheyet, gimme them keys, I can drive.
1759 -- Lewis Grizzard, "My Daddy Was a Pistol and I'm a Son
1760 of a Gun".
1762 The young male race horse came from a long line of winners, and did
1763wonderfully in time trials. However, in actual races he proved a little too
1764romantic, and could never quite bring himself to pass a mare.
1765 So one day the trainer went to him and told him he'd have to be
1766castrated. The young horse, knowing that it was either this or the glue
1767factory, took it philosophically. After all, having the operation was
1768almost a certain guarantee of a long and illustrious racing career.
1769 After a short recovery period, the horse was again run in time
1770trials, and found to do as well as ever. But the first time he actually
1771ran in a race, he only went about ten paces, before getting a dejected look
1772on his face, turning around, and ambling back to the starting gates.
1773 "What's the matter?" asked the trainer, "you were doing great!"
1774 "Yeah, well how would you feel" replied the horse, "if five thousand
1775people took one look at you and shouted `they're off!'?"
1777 The young man took a blind date to the amusement park. They went
1778for a ride on the Ferris wheel. The ride completed, she seemed rather bored.
1779"What would you like to do next?" he asked.
1780 "I wanna get weighed," she said. So he took her over to the weight
1781guesser. Next they rode the roller coaster. After that he bought her some
1782popcorn and cotton candy, then he asked what else she would like to do.
1783 "I wanna get weighed," she said, bluntly.
1784 I really latched onto a square one tonight, thought the boy, and
1785using the excuse that he had developed a headache, he took the girl home.
1786The girl's mother was surprised to see her home so early, and asked, "What's
1787wrong, dear, didn't you have a nice time tonight?"
1788 "Wousy," said the girl.
1790 There are two couples that want to convert to Catholicism. They go
1791and see a priest and he tells them that the first requirement is to abstain
1792from sex for thirty days.
1793 Thirty days later, the couples come back to see the priest. He asks
1794the first couple if they passed the test.
1795 "Father, we didn't so much as TOUCH one another during the last month.
1796 "Congratulations," the priest replies, "you are now qualified to enter
1797the Church." Then, the priests asked the second couple how they did.
1798 "Well, Father," the husband says, "everything was going just fine
1799until the 27th day. My wife bent over the freezer to get something out, and
1800I just happened to notice that she didn't have any panties on. I couldn't
1801stand it any more, so I walked over to her, dropped my pants, and slipped it
1802to her right there."
1803 "That's DISGUSTING!", the priest bellows. "I can never let you into
1804the Church after something like that."
1805 "I understand Father," the man replies sadly, "they won't let us
1806into Safeway anymore either."
1808 There was an Englishman, a Frenchman, and a Newfoundlander sitting in
1809a bar having a few drinks together.
1810 The Englishman turns to the Frenchman, "So tell me, what do you do to
1811drive your wife wild in bed?"
1812 "Well", replies the Frenchman, "After we make love, I go out to the
1813garden and pick some roses. Then I take the petals off and put them all over
1814her body. then I gently blow them off with a soft, even breath, and that drives
1815her wild with desire."
1816 "Interesting," the Englishman replies. "After my wife and I make love
1817I massage baby oil gently all over her body -- that works for me!"
1818Then the pair turn to the Newfie and ask him what he does.
1819 "Well...", he says, "when me and the old lady are through, I jump
1820out of bed and wipe my dick off on the curtain. And that REALLY drives
1821her wild."
1823 These two project managers were walking through a residential area
1824one day, when they saw a dog (also male) sitting on a lawn, licking its
1825cock. (Why do dogs do that? Because they can). Anyway, the first manager
1826nudged the second and said, "Hey, look at that! That really looks like fun
1827-- I wish I could do that!"
1828 Whereupon the second manager replied, "Well, I don't know... I tried
1829it once, and the damn dog bit me!"
1831 "They spend years searching for their natural parents, convinced their
1832parents will be happy to see them. I mean, really, can you imagine someone
1833being happy to see an orphan? Nobody wants them... that's why they're orphans!"
1834 The speaker is Anne Baker, founder and guiding force behind
1835Orphan-Off, an organization dedicated to keeping orphans confused about the
1836whereabouts of their natural parents. She is a woman with a mission:
1837 "Basically, what we do is band together to exchange information
1838about which orphans are looking for which parents in what part of the
1839country. We're completely computerized.
1840 "The idea is to throw the orphans as many red herrings and false
1841leads as possible. We'll tell some twenty-three-year-old loser that his
1842real parents can be found at a certain address on the other side of the
1843country. Well, by the time the kid shows up, the family is prepared. They
1844look over the kid's photos and information and they say, 'Oh, the Emersons...
1845yeah, they used to live here... I think they moved out about five years ago.
1846I think they went to Iowa, or maybe Idaho.'
1847 "Bam, the door shuts in the kid's face and he's back to zero again.
1848He's got nothing to go on but the orphan's pathetic determination to continue.
1849 "It's really amazing how much these kids will put up with. Last year
1850we even sent one kid all the way to Australia. I mean, really. Besides, if
1851your natural parents were Australian, would you want to meet them?"
1852 -- "National Lampoon", September, 1984
1854 This 600-pound guy decides he can't go on living this way, so he seeks
1855the help of a clinic and proceeds to go on a drastic diet. It works: four
1856months later he's down to 160 pounds and feeling great, except for one problem.
1857He's covered with great folds of flesh where the fat used to be. He calls
1858up the clinic, and the doctor tells him not to worry. "There's a special
1859surgical procedure to correct this condition," the doctor assures him. "Just
1860come on over to the clinic."
1861 "But doctor," the man pleads, "you don't understand. I'm too
1862embarrassed to be seen in public like this."
1863 "Don't give it another thought," says the doctor. "Simply pull up
1864all the folds as high as they'll go, pile the flesh on top of your head, put
1865on a top hat, and come on over."
1866 The guy follows the instructions and provokes no comments until he
1867reaches the clinic and is standing in front of the admitting nurse's desk,
1868dying of self-consciousness. "The doctor will be right with you," says the
1869nurse. "Say, what's that hole in the middle of your forehead?"
1870 "My navel," blurts out the guy, "how d'ya like my tie?"
1872 This guy is taking a leak in a public men's room when a man enters
1873with his arms held out from his sides, bent at the elbows with his hands
1874dangling awkwardly, and comes over to him.
1875 "Would you do me a favor and unzip my fly?" he asks.
1876 Figuring the man to be a poor cripple, perhaps an accident victim,
1877the guy obliges, not without a flush of embarrassment when the man next
1878requests that he take out his prick and hold it in the appropriate position.
1879 "Shake it off" is the next instruction, then "zip me up," and the
1880guy follows orders, wincing at his own embarrassment and at the shame of
1881being so helpless.
1882 "Say, thanks," says the man, flouncing to the door. "I can't do a
1883*thing* 'til my nails dry!"
1885 This guy is walking down the beach one fine sunny day, feeling
1886good, when suddenly he sees this woman with no arms or legs in a wheelchair,
1887sobbing like crazy. He decides to be gallant, "What's wrong, miss?"
1888 "I...<sob, sniffle>...I'm 21 and I <choke> I've never been kissed...
1890 So this guy, he decides, what the hell, let's cheer up the poor lady.
1891He leans over and gives her a long wonderful kiss. This does wonders, and
1892the woman's face lights up and she grins from ear to ear, and the guy wanders
1893away feeling wonderful.
1894 Well, next week, the same guy is walking along the same beach, and
1895sees the same girl who is once again sobbing her eyes out. Gallant to the
1896end, our hero says, "What's wrong, miss, can I help?"
1897 "I...I'm <sob, sniffle, sniffle> 21 and I've never been fucked..."
1898 The guy picks her up out of her chair, cuddles her close, and brings
1899her over to the shore, and throws her into the water. "Now you're fucked!"
1901 Three women and Feldstein were brought before the presiding judge.
1902The women had been arrested for soliciting and he'd been was arrested for
1903selling ties without a license. "What do you do for a living?" the judge
1904asked, pointing at the first girl.
1905 "Your honor, I'm a model," she replied.
1906 "Thirty days," was the sentence. The judge turned to the second
1907girl. "What do you do for a living?" he asked.
1908 "Your honor, I'm an actress."
1909 "Thirty days." Then he turned to the third girl. "And how about
1910you?" he demanded.
1911 "Well, your honor, I'm a prostitute. I'm not proud of it, but it's
1912the only way I can support my mother and my children since my husband's been
1913laid off."
1914 "For telling the truth," he said, "I'm going to suspend sentence.
1915Furthermore, here's $100 to help your family out." Now he turns to Feldstein,
1916arrested for selling ties illegally. "And you," he said, "what do you do
1917for a living?"
1918 "Your honor, I'm a prostitute. I'm not proud..."
1920 Two buddies had been out drinking for hours when their money finally
1921ran out. "I have an idea," croaked Al. "Lesh go over to my housh and borrow
1922shum money from my wife."
1923 The two of them reeled into Al's living room, snapped on the light,
1924and lo and behold, there was Al's wife making love on the sofa to another man.
1925This state of affairs considerably unnerved Al's friend but didn't seem to
1926affect the husband.
1927 "Shay, dear, you have any money for your ever-lovin' hushban?" he
1929 "Yes, yes," she snapped. "Take my purse from the mantle, and for
1930Pete's sake, turn off those lights."
1931 Outside they examined the purse, and Al proudly announced, "There's
1932enough here for a pint for you and a pint for me. Pretty good, eh, old buddy?"
1933 "But, Al," protested his friend, somewhat sobered by the spectacle
1934he'd just witnessed, "what about that fellow back there with your wife?"
1935 "The hell with him," replied Al. "Let him buy his own pint."
1937 Two Englishmen struck up a conversation with an American in the club
1938car of a train headed east out of Chicago.
1939 "I say," queried the younger Englishman, "have you ever been to
1941 The American laughed. "It was my home for two years during the war,"
1942he said. "Had some of the wildest times of my life in that old town."
1943 The older Englishman, a little hard of hearing, asked, "What did
1944he say, Reggie?"
1945 "He said he's been to London, father," the younger Englishman
1947 After a little lull in the conversation, the young man asked, "You
1948didn't, by any chance, meet a Hazel Wimbleton in London, did you?"
1949 The American almost fell off his chair. "Hot Pants Hazel!" he
1950exclaimed. "My God, I shacked up with that horny broad for three months
1951just before I came back to the States!"
1952 "What did he say, Reggie?" the older Englishman wanted to know.
1953 "He says he knows Mother," the younger Englishman responded.
1955 Two gay guys, Larry and Phil, were driving down the highway when they
1956were rear-ended by a huge semi. Somewhat shaken, they maneuvered over to the
1957side of the road, where Phil instructed Larry to get out and confront the truck
1958driver. "Tell him we're going to sue, sue, sue!" he shrieked.
1959 Obligingly, Larry got out and went around to the cab of the truck to
1960deliver this message to the huge, burly driver, whose response was to snarl,
1961"Ah, why doncha suck my cock."
1962 "Phil," said Larry, coming back to their car, "I think we're going
1963to be able to settle out of court."
1965 Two little kids, aged six and eight, decide it's time to learn how
1966to swear. So, the eight-year-old says to the six-year-old, "Okay, you say
1967`ass' and I'll say `hell'".
1968 All excited about their plan, they troop downstairs, where their
1969mother asks them what they'd like for breakfast.
1970 "Aw, hell," says the eight-year-old, "gimme some Cheerios."
1971His mother backhands him off the stool, sending him bawling out of the room,
1972and turns to the younger brother. "What'll you have?"
1973 "I dunno," quavers the six-year-old, "but you can bet your ass
1974it ain't gonna be Cheerios."
1976 Two longtime friends sipped Scotch in a local bar and talked about
1977their troubles. "And on top of everything else," said the first, "my wife
1978has cut me down to just once a week."
1979 "That's too bad," agreed his friend, "but it could be worse. I know
1980two guys she's cut off altogether.
1982 Two morticians alternated in sharing the responsibility of covering
1983the night shift. One early morning about 3:00 am, a body was brought into the
1984mortuary, and the mortician began work. When he had unclothed the corpse, he
1985noticed a cork in the anus. Removing it, the strains of "Hello, Dolly, well,
1986hello, Dolly...!" were plainly heard being sung. He put the cork back, and
1987the singing stopped. Pulling it out again, the same song started, "You're
1988lookin' swell, Dolly!". Amazed, he telephoned his partner, and insisted he
1989come immediately to see something very unusual. Roused from sleep, the partner
1990asked if it could wait until morning. It took great persistence, but finally
1991the partner agreed to dress and come down to the shop. When he got there, he
1992said, "Now what was it that was so important you had to get me out of bed at
1993this ungodly hour?"
1994 The man said, "Come into the embalming room."
1995 They go into the embalming room, and the first partner says, "Now
1997 He pulls out the cork, and the anus takes off singing again. The
1998partner looks at him disgustedly and says: "You brought me down here at
1999three in the morning just to hear some asshole sing Hello Dolly"?
2001 Two women were walking down the street, when one nudges the other
2002and says, "There's my husband coming out of the florist's with a dozen
2003roses, damn it. That means I'll have to keep my legs up in the air for
2004three days."
2005 Replies her friend, "Well, why don't you buy a vase?"
2008 We were somewhere around Barstow on the edge of the desert when the
2009drugs began to take hold. I remember saying something like "I feel a bit
2010lightheaded; maybe you should drive...." And suddenly there was a terrible
2011roar all around us and the sky was full of what looked like huge bats, all
2012swooping and screeching and diving around the car, which was going about a
2013hundred miles an hour with the top down to Las Vegas. And a voice was
2014screaming: "Holy Jesus! What are these goddamn animals?"
2015 Then it was quiet again. My attorney had taken his shirt off and
2016was pouring beer on his chest, to facilitate the tanning process. "What the
2017hell are you yelling about?" he muttered, staring up at the sun with his
2018eyes closed and covered with wraparound Spanish sunglasses. "Never mind,"
2019I said. "It's your turn to drive." I hit the brakes and aimed the Great
2020Red Shark toward the shoulder of the highway. No point in mentioning the
2021bats, I thought. The poor bastard will see them soon enough.
2022 -- Dr. Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas:
2023 A Savage Journey to the Heart of the American Dream"
2025 Well, there was this tiger, who woke up one morning, and just felt
2026great (yes, just like Tony the Tiger: GREAAAAAAT). Anyway, he just felt
2027so good, he went out and cornered a small monkey and roared at him: "WHO IS
2029 And this poor quaking little monkey replied: "You are of course, no
2030one is mightier than you."
2031 A little while later this tiger confronts a deer, and just bellows out:
2033 The deer is shaking so hard it can barely speak, but manages to
2034stammer: "Oh great tiger, you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle."
2035 The tiger, being on a roll, swaggered, up to an elephant that was
2036quietly munching on some weeds, and roared at the top of his voice: "WHO IS
2038 Well, this elephant grabs the tiger with his trunk, picks him up, slams
2039him down; picks him up again, and shakes him until the tiger is just a blur of
2040orange and black; and finally throws him violently into a nearby tree.
2041 The tiger staggers to his feet, looks at the elephant and says: "Man,
2042you don't have to get so pissed, just because you don't know the answer!"
2044 Well, this woman went to the butcher shop to get some ham for dinner.
2045She asked the butcher what kind of ham he recommended, and the butcher said,
2046"Well ma'am, we got some Damn ham here for $3.50 a pound..." Needless to
2047say, she was surprised at the butcher's language! The butcher, who was
2048reasonably astute, noticed the alarmed look on the woman's face, and quickly
2049justified himself. "No, no, ma'am, I wasn't cursin', the NAME of this here
2050ham is "Damn ham". Amused, the woman requested some "Damn ham."
2051 That night, before dinner, the woman took her husband aside and
2052explained what had happened at the butcher shop. He also was amused, and
2053suggested that they play a joke on their son. So, at dinner, after grace,
2054the man turned to his wife and said, "Honey, pass the damn ham."
2055 Their son looked up, surprised. "WHOAH! Dad be gettin' hip!
2056How 'bout them mother-fuckin' potatoes?"
2058 When the surgeon came to see her on the morning after her
2059operation, the young woman asked him somewhat hesitantly how long
2060it would be before she could resume her sex life.
2061 "I really haven't thought about it," gulped the stunned surgeon.
2062"You're the first patient who's asked me that after a tonsillectomy!"
2064 When you see someone across the room and suddenly know for a fact
2065that he's the most wonderful man on earth, you've got instant lust on your
2066hands. Something about the way his tie is knotted is infinitely intriguing
2067to you, and the swell of his bicep causes inner turmoil. This is a happy
2068but fleeting state of affairs. Usually your feelings die about thirty
2069seconds after you get up the courage to ask him for the time, since almost
2070invariably he can't speak English, and if he can, he always says, "Why,
2071sure, little lady, it's eleven-thirty. Wanna get high?
2072 Don't bother thinking that instant lust will turn into the real thing.
2073It may, but then you may also wake up one morning to find you're the Queen of
2075 -- Cynthia Hemiel, "Sex Tips for Girls"
2077 While hunting, a man saw a beautiful nude woman come running out of
2078the woods and disappear across the clearing. Just as she got out of sight,
2079three men dressed in white uniforms came running out of the same woods.
2080"Hey, you," yelled one of them, "did you see a woman come by here?"
2081 "Yes," replied the hunter. "What's the trouble?"
2082 "She's an inmate of the county asylum, and gets loose every now and
2083then. We're trying to catch her."
2084 "I can understand that," said the hunter, "But why is one of you
2085carrying a bucket of sand?"
2086 "That's his handicap," said the spokesman, "he caught her last time."
2088 While visiting our country, a lovely French maiden found herself
2089out of money just as her visa expired. Unable to pay her passage back to
2090France, she was in despair until an enterprising sailor made her a sporting
2091proposition. "My ship is sailing tonight," he said. "I'll smuggle you
2092aboard, hide you down in the hold and provide you with a mattress, blankets
2093and food. All it will cost you is a little love."
2094 The girl consented, and late that night the sailor sneaked her on
2095board his vessel. Twice each day thereafter, the sailor smuggled a large
2096tray of food below decks, took his pleasure with the little French stowaway
2097and departed. The days turned into weeks, and the weeks might have turned
2098into months if the captain hadn't noticed the sailor carrying food below one
2099evening and followed him. After witnessing this unique bit of barter, he
2100waited until the sailor had departed and then confronted the girl, demanding
2101an explanation. She told him the whole story.
2102 "Hmmm," mused the captain. "A clever arrangement, and I must say I
2103admire that young seaman's ingenuity. However, miss, I feel it is only fair
2104to tell you that this is the Staten Island Ferry."
2106 "Why did you spend so much time parked in that fellow's car last
2107night?" demanded the irate mother.
2108"I could hear the giggling and squealing for a good half hour."
2109 "But, Mom," answered her daughter, "if a fellow takes you to the
2110movies you ought to at least kiss him good night."
2111 "I thought you went to the Stork Club?" countered the mother.
2112 "We did."
2114 With deep concern, if not alarm, Dick noted that his friend
2115Conrad was drunker than he'd ever seen him before. "What's the trouble,
2116buddy?", he asked, sliding onto the stool next to his friend.
2117 "It's a woman, Dick," Conrad replied.
2118 "I guessed that much. Tell me about it."
2119 "I can't," Conrad said. But after a few more drinks his tongue
2120and resolution both seemed to weaken and, turning to his buddy, he said,
2121"Okay. It's your wife."
2122 "My wife!!"
2123 "Yeah."
2124 "What about her?"
2125 Conrad pondered the question heavily, and draped his arm around
2126his pal. "Well, buddy-boy," he said, "I'm afraid she's cheating on us."
2128 "Yes, sir, the bowling ball nipple rings in black. Will there
2129be anything else?"
2131 You see, this girl wakes up one morning, rolls over and sees an
2132elephant in the bed with her. Almost in shock, she says, "Did I pick you
2133up in the bar last night?"
2134 "Uh-huh," the elephant replies.
2135 "Did I bring you home?"
2136 "Uh-huh."
2137 "Did we, uh, fool around?"
2138 "Uh-huh."
2139 "Lord, I must have been tight!"
2140 "Not any more."
2142... and no philosophy, sadly, has all the answers. No matter how assured
2143we may be about certain aspects of our belief, there are always painful
2144inconsistencies, exceptions, and contradictions. This is true in religion
2145as it is in politics, and is self-evident to all except fanatics and the
2146naive. As for the fanatics, whose number is legion in our own time, we
2147might be advised to leave them to heaven. They will not, unfortunately, do
2148us the same courtesy. They attack us and each other, and whatever their
2149protestations to peaceful intent, the bloody record of history makes clear
2150that they are easily disposed to restore to the sword. My own belief in
2151God, then, is just that -- a matter of belief, not knowledge. My respect
2152for Jesus Christ arises from the fact that He seems to have been the most
2153virtuous inhabitant of Planet Earth. But even well-educated Christians are
2154frustrated in their thirst for certainty about the beloved figure of Jesus
2155because of the undeniable ambiguity of the scriptural record. Such ambiguity
2156is not apparent to children or fanatics, but every recognized Bible scholar
2157is perfectly aware of it. Some Christians, alas, resort to formal lying to
2158obscure such reality.
2159 -- Steve Allen
2161... which the Minstrel was supposed by some authorities to have composed
2162beneath the gibbet at Elsdon on the occasion of his hanging, drawing and
2163quartering for misguidedly climbing into bed with Sir Oswald Capheughton's
2164wife, Lady Fleur, when that noble lord was not only in it, but in her at
2165the same time. Minstrel Flawse's introduction of himself into Sir Oswald
2166had met with that reaction known as dog-knotting on the part of all
2168I gan noo wha ma organs gan
2169When oft I lay abed I should ha' known 'twas never Fleur
2170So rither hang me upside doon That smelt so mooch of sweat
2171Than by ma empty head. For she was iver sweet and pure
2172 And iver her purse was wet.
2173But old Sir Oswald allus stank
2174Of horse and hound and dung So hang me noo fra' Elsdon tree
2175And when I chose to breech his rank And draw ma innards out
2176Was barrel to my bung. That all the wald around may see
2177 What I have done without.
2178But ere ye come to draw ma heart
2179Na do it all so quick So prick 'em wet or prick 'em dry
2180But prise the arse of Oswald 'part 'Tis all the same to me
2181And bring me back ma prick. I canna wait for him to die
2182 Afore I have a pee.
2183 -- Tom Sharpe, "The Ballad of Prick 'Em Dry"
21851. The sport of choice for the low skill level employees is: BASKETBALL.
21862. The sport of choice for maintainence level employees is: BOWLING.
21873. The sport of choice for front-line workers is: FOOTBALL.
21884. The sport of choice for supervisors is: BASEBALL.
21895. The sport of choice for middle management is: TENNIS.
21906. The sport of choice for corporate officers is: GOLF.
2192AMAZING CONCLUSION: The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller
2193your balls.
219510 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Man:
2197 1. A beer NEVER leaves the toilet seat up.
2198 2. A beer lasts longer than seven seconds.
2199 3. A beer doesn't want to watch pro wrestling.
2200 4. A beer won't expect you to cook dinner when you're not hungry.
2201 5. A beer will never leave dirty socks on the floor.
2202 6. A beer doesn't mind when your mother visits.
2203 7. A beer does as many chores as a man, with a LOT less complaining.
2204 8. A beer won't leave you for a younger woman.
2205 9. A beer won't leave you for a younger man either.
220610. A beer won't tease you because you once liked Barry Manilow.
220810 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Man:
2210 1. A beer will never invite friends home for dinner without calling.
2211 2. A beer won't think less of you if you can't name the Steelers'
2212 quarterback.
2213 3. A beer won't even act amazed if you can.
2214 4. You don't have to let a beer win.
2215 5. Just because you have dinner with a beer doesn't mean you have to
2216 sleep with it beer, too.
2217 6. A beer helps with the housework.
2218 7. A beer will never fumble with your bra.
2219 8. A beer will never take the newspaper apart before you've read it.
2220 9. A beer doesn't want you to raise its children.
222110. A beer wouldn't mind if you wanted it to wear a condom.
222310 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Man:
2225 1. A beer will never invite friends home for dinner without calling.
2226 2. A beer won't think less of you if you can't name the Steelers'
2227 quarterback.
2228 3. A beer won't even act amazed if you can.
2229 4. You don't have to let a beer win.
2230 5. Just because you have dinner with a beer doesn't mean you have to
2231 sleep with it, too.
2232 6. A beer helps with the housework.
2233 7. A beer will never fumble with your bra.
2234 8. A beer will never take the newspaper apart before you've read it.
2235 9. A beer doesn't want you to raise its children.
223610. A beer wouldn't mind if you wanted it to wear a condom.
223810 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Man:
2240 1. Having a beer can't make you pregnant.
2241 2. A beer doesn't wouldn't trade you in on a sports car.
2242 3. If a beer did have a sports car, it wouldn't love it more than you.
2243 4. A beer doesn't want to go out alone with the other beers.
2244 5. A beer wouldn't waste its money on Playbeer magazine.
2245 6. You don't have to worry about getting AIDS from a bisexual beer.
2246 7. A beer won't switch the TV channel.
2247 8. A beer doesn't snore.
2248 9. A beer doesn't care that you can't find your car's carburator.
224910. A beer doesn't think black leather bikinis are neat.
225110 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Woman:
2253 1. Beer understands the difference between shooting down an unidentified
2254 aircraft in a war zone and blowing a Korean airliner out of the sky.
2255 2. A beer would never own a car with an automatic transmission.
2256 3. A beer never fishes for compliments.
2257 4. Beer tastes good.
2258 5. A beer can enjoy an evening of watching "Johnny-the-Wadd-Holmes' Greatest
2259 Hits" as much as you do.
2260 6. An ice-cold beer will nonetheless let you have your way with it.
2261 7. A beer won't ask you to pick up some tampons when you go to the store.
2262 8. Beer never asks you to change the station.
2263 9. A beer won't fill up your 'Vette with 85-octane gas because it's twenty
2264 cents less expensive.
226510. A beer won't make you eat experimental vegetarian meals that taste
2266 like grass.
226810 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Woman:
2270 1. You can enjoy a beer all month.
2271 2. Beer stains wash out.
2272 3. Beer doesn't go crazy once a month.
2273 4. Beer never makes you wait.
2274 5. A beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer.
2275 6. Beer doesn't have a lawyer "in the family".
2276 7. A beer won't get upset if you come home with beer on your breath.
2277 8. Beer doesn't demand equality.
2278 9. Beer labels come off without a fight.
227910. Beer doesn't mind being in the "wet spot" that IT left.
228115 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Man:
2283 1. A beer doesn't care that you don't balance your checkbook.
2284 2. Tall, dark, good-looking beers are common.
2285 3. A beer won't steal all the covers.
2286 4. A beer doesn't have friends who will drink all your beer.
2287 5. A beer wouldn't yell if you dented the car.
2288 6. A beer doesn't buy everything labeled "turbo".
2289 7. You don't have to laugh at a beer's jokes.
2290 8. A beer is not kinky unless you want it to be kinky.
2291 9. A beer always lets you read the Sunday comics first.
229210. A beer doesn't think poetry is queer.
229311. If the beer is finished before you are, you can have another beer.
229412. A beer won't talk about the women who had it before you.
229513. A beer's life does not revolve around the world series.
229614. A beer won't mind at all if you're not in the mood for beer.
229715. A beer will NEVER call you "Babe". Or "Sugar".
229918th Rule of Friendship:
2300 A friend will let you hold the ladder while he goes up on the roof
2301 to install your new aerial, which is the biggest son-of-a-bitch you
2302 ever saw.
2303 -- Esquire, May 1977
2306 1. A beer never leaves the toilet seat up.
2307 2. A beer doesn't want to watch pro wrestling.
2308 3. A beer does as many chores as a man, with a LOT less complaining.
2309 4. You don't have to worry about getting AIDS from a bisexual beer.
2310 5. A beer won't tease you because you once liked Barry Manilow.
2311 6. A beer doesn't want to go out alone with the other beers.
2312 7. A beer doesn't care that you can't find your car's carburator.
2313 8. A beer doesn't think black leather bikinis are neat.
2314 9. A beer won't steal the covers.
231510. A beer doesn't buy everything labeled "turbo".
231611. A beer doesn't think poetry is queer.
231712. A beer can't talk about the women who had it before you.
231813. A beer tastes good.
231914. A beer will never invite friends home for dinner without calling.
232015. A beer won't think less of you if you can't name the Steelers' quarterback.
232116. You don't have to let a beer win.
232217. A beer always lets you read the Sunday comics first.
232318. A beer will never call you "Babe". Or "Sugar-hips".
232419. A beer doesn't care that you don't balance your checkbook.
232520. You don't have to laugh at a beer's jokes.
2327667 -- The neighbor of the beast.
2330 Do me now and I'll owe you one.
23326802 hackers make great use of the SEX instruction.
233469 + 69 = dinner for 4.
2337 69 with two fingers up your ass.
2338 -- George Carlin
23407:30, Channel 5: The Bionic Dog (Action/Adventure)
2341 The Bionic Dog drinks too much and kicks over the National
2342 Redwood Forest.
23447:30, Channel 8: The Bionic Dog (Action/Adventure)
2345 The Bionic Dog gets a hormonal short-circuit and violates the
2346 Mann Act with an interstate Greyhound bus.
23488 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Woman:
2350 1. You rarely (if ever) find beer labels on the shower curtain rod.
2351 2. A beer doesn't care when you come.
2352 3. Beer doesn't have a mother.
2353 4. Beer doesn't need much closet space.
2354 5. A beer won't accuse you of lying when you say you read Playboy
2355 "just for the articles".
2356 6. Beer doesn't mind seeing Chuck Norris and Charles Bronson flicks.
2357 7. Beer doesn't always want to go to the 'powder room' with everyone
2358 else's beer.
2359 8. When you're through with a beer, the thought of another beer doesn't
2360 make you ill.
2362A '49er walked into the saloon at Bloody Gulch. He'd been prospecting for
2363more than a year.
2364 "Hey! Y'got any wimmen around here?"
2365 "Nope," the bartender replied, "But there's George in the back room."
2366 "I don't go for that kind of thing," the prospector scowled. He
2367downed his drink and left disgustedly.
2368A few months passed before the miner found his way down the mountain again.
2369He stumbled into the tavern and asked the bartender, "Any wimmen pass through
2370this part of town?"
2371 "Nope. Nary a one. But we still got George in the back room."
2372 Angry, the miner shouted, "I told you I don't go for that kind of
2373thing," and turned on his heel and left.
2374 Within a year he came back from his mine again. With a wild look on
2375his face he re-entered the saloon. Leaning over the bar he whispered to the
2376bartender, "If I was to go into the back room with George, how many people
2377'round here would know?"
2378 "Oh," the bartender said, scratching his chin, "'bout seven, I guess."
2379 "Seven!?"
2380 "Yep. You, me, George, and the four men holdin' him down. You see,
2381George don't go for that kind of thing neither."
2383A 6'8", 280-pound Southerner walked into a NY bar, sat down next to a
2384patron, and said, "Ah'm big, and ah'm bad, and I *loves* to fuck Northern
2385women!" The guy was so terrified that he put down his beer and ran out
2386of the bar.
2387 The Rebel moved over to the next guy and said, "Ah'm big and ah'm
2388bad and I *loves* to fuck New York women." The guy took one look at him,
2389blanched and ran out of the bar.
2390 The man then went over to a short little guy with "Bronx" written
2391all over him. "Ah'm big and ah'm bad and I *loves* to fuck your sister."
2392 The short guy looked him up and down and said, "I don't blame
2393you one bit. She's *got* to be an improvement on yours."
2395A bad little girl in Madrid,
2396A most reprehensible kid,
2397 Told her Tante Louise
2398 That her cunt smelled like cheese,
2399And the worst of it was that it did!
2401A bar patron returned from the men's room grumbling to himself.
2402 "What's the trouble, buddy?" the bartender inquired.
2403 "You got John Wayne toilet paper in there!"
2404 "What do you mean?" the barkeeper asked.
2405 "It's rough, it's tough, and it doesn't take shit from nobody."
2407A bather whose clothing was strewed
2408By breezes that left her quite nude,
2409 Saw a man come along
2410 And, unless I am wrong,
2411You expected this line to be lewd.
2413A bather whose clothing was strewed
2414By breezes that left her quite nude,
2415 Saw a man come along
2416 And, unless I'm quite wrong,
2417You expected this line to be lewd.
2419A beachcomber of 25 had been shipwrecked on a desert island since the age of
2420six. One day, while in search of food, he stumbled across a beautifully
2421sensuous female lying on the beach nearly naked; she'd been washed ashore from
2422another shipwreck that morning. After they got over their initial surprise
2423at seeing each other, the girl wanted to know how long he had been alone on
2424this barren bit of land.
2425 "Almost twenty years," he answered.
2426 "Twenty years!" she exclaimed. "But how ever did you survive?"
2427 "Oh, I fish, dig for clams, and gather berries and coconuts," he
2429 "And what do you do for sex?" she asked.
2430 "What's that?" He looked puzzled.
2431 Whereupon the maiden pulled the innocent young man down onto the sand
2432beside her and proceeded to demonstrate. After they had finished, she asked
2433how he had enjoyed it.
2434 "Great!" was the reply. "But look what it did to my clamdigger!"
2436A beat schizophrenic said, "Me?
2437I am not I, I'm a tree."
2438 But another, more sane,
2439 Shouted, "I'm a great dane "
2440And covered his pants leg with pee.
2442A beat schizophrenic said, "Me?
2443I am not I, I'm a tree."
2444 But another, more sane,
2445 Shouted, "I'm a Great Dane!"
2446And covered his pants leg with pee.
2448A beautiful belle of Del Norte
2449Is reckoned disdainful and haughty
2450 Because during the day
2451 She says: "Boys, keep away!"
2452But she fucks in the gloaming like forty.
2454A beautiful lady named Psyche
2455Is loved by a fellow named Ikey.
2456 One thing about Ike
2457 The lady can't like
2458Is his prick, which is dreadfully spikey.
2460A beautiful man is paradise for the eyes, hell for the soul, and
2461purgatory for the purse.
2463A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to see a gynecologist. The doctor takes
2464one look at this woman and his professionalism is a thing of the past. Right
2465away he tells her to undress. After she has disrobed he begins to stroke her
2466thigh. As he does this he says to the woman, "Do you know what I'm doing?"
2467 "Yes," she says, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological
2469 "Correct," says the doctor. He then begins to fondle her breasts.
2470"Do you know what I'm doing now?" he says.
2471 "Yes," says the woman, "you're checking for any lumps or breast
2473 "That's right," replies the doctor. He then gradually proceeds to
2474having sexual intercourse with her. "Do you know," he pants, "what I'm doing
2476 "Yes," she says. "You're getting herpes."
2478A beetling young woman named Pridgets
2479Had a violent abhorrence of midgets;
2480 Off the end of a wharf
2481 She once pushed a dwarf
2482Whose truncation reduced her to fidgets.
2483 -- Edward Gorey
2485A big store buyer had been on the road for nearly two months. Each week he
2486would send his wife a telegram saying,
2487 "Can't come home yet. Still buying."
2488His wife knew that these buying trips usually involved more than business.
2489She tolerated this particular jaunt for a while, but when the third month
2490rolled by and she'd still seen nothing of her husband but the weekly telegrams,
2491she wired him,
2492 "Better come home. I'm selling what you're buying."
2494A big-bosomed Bunny named Gression
2495Sold cigars at a key-club concession.
2496 When she swiveled about
2497 Even strong men cried out,
2498For her costume did not keep her flesh in.
2500A bisexual chap name of Lunt
2501Taught himself an unusual stunt.
2502He could peel back his spout
2503Turn the skin inside out
2504Like a glove, to be used as a cunt!
2506A bisexual is a man who likes girls as well as the next fellow.
2508A blind rabbit was hopping through the woods, tripping over logs and crashing
2509into trees. At the same time, a blind snake was slithering through the same
2510forest, with identical results. They chanced to collide head-on in a clearing.
2511 "Please excuse me, sir, I'm blind and I bumped into you accidentally,"
2512apologized the rabbit.
2513 "That's quite all right," replied the snake, "I have the same
2515 "All my life I've been wondering what I am," said the rabbit, "Do
2516you think you could help me find out?"
2517 "I'll try," said the snake. He gently coiled himself around the
2518rabbit. "Well, you're covered with soft fur, you have a little fluffy tail
2519and long ears. You're... hmmm... you're probably a bunny rabbit!"
2520 "Great!" said the rabbit. "Thanks, I really owe you one!"
2521 "Well," replied the snake, "I don't know what I am, either. Do you
2522suppose you could try and tell me?"
2523 The rabbit ran his paws all over the snake. "Well, you're low, cold
2524and slimey..." And, as he ran one paw underneath the snake, "and you have
2525no balls. You must be an attorney!"
2527A bobby of Nottingham Junction
2528Whose organ had long ceased to function
2529 Deceived his good wife
2530 For the rest of her life
2531With the aid of his constable's truncheon.
2533A broken-down harlot named Tupps
2534Was heard to confess in her cups:
2535 "The height of my folly
2536 Was diddling a collie-
2537But I got a nice price for the pups."
2539A broken-down harlot named Tupps
2540Was heard to confess in her cups:
2541 "The height of my folly
2542 Was fucking a collie --
2543But I got a nice price for the pups."
2545A burlesque dancer, a pip
2546Named Virginia, could peel in a zip;
2547 But she read science fiction
2548 And died of constriction
2549Attempting a Moebius strip.
2550 -- Cyril Kornbluth, "The Unfortunate Topology"
2552A businessman was awe-struck by the beautiful redhead at the hotel bar.
2553Seeing his interest, she quietly informed him that she was a prostitute
2554and that her price was $500. He was taken aback by the price, but after
2555a few minutes of thought he took her up to his room. She spent a few
2556minutes in the bathroom and was shocked when she came out to see him
2557masturbating furiously on the bed. "What are you doing?", she asked.
2558 "Baby, for $500, you're not going to get the easy one!"
2560A busy young lady named Gloria
2561Was had by Sir Gerald du Maurier
2562 And then by six men,
2563 Sir Gerald again,
2564And the band at the Waldorf-Astoria.
2566A cabin boy on an old clipper
2567Grew steadily flipper and flipper.
2568 He plugged up his ass
2569 With fragments of glass
2570And thus circumcised his old skipper.
2572A Catholic and a Methodist were carpooling to work one morning, when a brick
2573fell out of the sky, which startled the driver and caused him to swerve off
2574the road and into a telephone pole, totaling the car.
2575 The two stumbled out of the wreckage, both feeling quite fortunate
2576to be alive. The Catholic crossed himself. Then the Protestant crossed
2577himself in an accentuated manner.
2578 "Hey," said the Catholic, "I why did you cross yourself, you're not
2580 "Just checking," replied his friend, crossing himself again,
2581"spectacles, testicals, wallet, pen."
2583A cautious young fellow named Lodge
2584Had seatbelts installed in his Dodge.
2585 When his date was strapped in,
2586 He committed a sin,
2587Without even leaving his grodge.
2589A cautious young fellow named Lodge,
2590Had seatbelts installed in his Dodge.
2591 With his date all strapped in
2592 He committed a sin
2593Without even leaving the garage.
2594 -- "A Boy and His Dog"
2596A cautious young fellow named Tunney
2597Had a whang that was worth any money.
2598 When eased in half-way,
2599 The girl's sigh made him say,
2600"Why the sigh?" "For the rest of it, honey."
2602A certain bartender decided to try to get a few new customers into his bar
2603by starting a gimmick involving a horse. His claim was that if anyone could
2604get the horse to laugh, he would give them drinks on the house. The idea
2605worked well and business improved until one night a young man walked in and
2606whispered in the horse's ear. The horse immediately burst into hysterical
2607laughter and the man won the contest. The next night the same thing
2608happened: the man whispered in the horse's ear and the horse burst out
2609laughing. The next night, the bartender decided to change the rules. Now,
2610a person had to get the horse to cry in order to win the drinks on the
2611house. Later on that night, the same guy came in and said "Can I take the
2612horse into the bathroom for a minute? I promise I'll make him cry." The
2613bartender agreed and sure enough, when the man came out leading the horse,
2614the horse was crying his eyes out. The bartender could take it no more and
2615said, "How did you make him laugh the other two nights?"
2616 "I told him that my dick was bigger than his", replied the man.
2617 "How did you make him cry tonight?"
2618 "I proved it."
2620A certain young man, it was noted,
2621Went about in the heat thickly-coated;
2622 He said, "You may scoff,
2623 But I shan't take it off;
2624Underneath I am horribly bloated."
2625 -- Edward Gorey
2627A certain young person of Ghent,
2628Uncertain if lady or gent,
2629 Shows his organs at large
2630 For a small handling charge
2631To assist him in paying the rent.
2633A certain young sheik of Algiers
2634Said to his harem, "My dears,
2635 Though you may think it odd of me,
2636 I'm tired of just sodomy
2637Let's try straight fucking." (loud cheers!)
2639A chap down in Oklahoma
2640Had a cock that could sing La Paloma,
2641 But the sweetness of pitch
2642 Couldn't put off the hitch
2643Of impotence, size and aroma.
2645A charmer from old Amarillo,
2646Sick of finding strange heads on her pillow,
2647 Decided one day
2648 That to keep men away
2649She would stuff up her crevice with Brillo.
2651A chippy who worked in Black Bluff
2652Had a pussy as large as a muff.
2653 It had room for both hands
2654 And some intimate glands,
2655And was soft as a little duck's fluff.
2657A chiseler is a man who goes stag to a wife-swapping party.
2659A Christian is a man who feels repentance on Sunday for what he did on
2660Saturday and is going to do on Monday.
2661 -- Thomas Ybarra
2663A clergical student named Simms
2664Hums liturgical tunes while he rims:
2665 A nice piece of ass
2666 Gets the B-Minor Mass ...
2667All the others get Anglican hymns.
2669A clerical student named Pryne
2670Through pain sought to reach the divine:
2671 He wore a hair shirt,
2672 Quite often ate dirt,
2673And bathed every Friday in brine.
2674 -- Edward Gorey
2676A clever young man named Eugene
2677Invented a jack-off machine.
2678 On the twenty-third stroke
2679 The fuckin' thing broke
2680And beat both his balls to a creame.
2682A clever young man named Eugene
2683Invented a jack-off machine.
2684 On the twenty-third stroke
2685 The goddam thing broke
2686And beat both his balls to a creame.
2688A clitoris is a lot like Antarctica;
2689most men know it's there, but few really care.
2691A cocksucking steno named Beeman
2692Remarked as she swallowed my semen :
2693 "On my minuscule salary
2694 I must watch every calorie,
2695So I get `ahead' eating you he-men!"
2697A computer called Illiac4
2698Had a rather tough bug in its core.
2699 It chewed up its cards
2700 And spewed yards and yards
2701Of illegible tape on the floor.
2703A computer, to print out a fact,
2704Will divide, multiply, and subtract.
2705 But this output can be
2706 No more than debris,
2707If the input was short of exact.
2708 -- Gigo
2710A contortionist hailing from Lynch
2711Used to rent out his tool by the inch.
2712 A foot cost a quid --
2713 He could and he did
2714Stretch it to three in a pinch.
2716A corpulent maiden named Kroll
2717Had a notion exceedingly droll:
2718 At a masquerade ball,
2719 Dressed in nothing at all,
2720She backed in as a Parker House roll.
2722A couple more shots of whiskey, women 'round here start looking good.
2724 [something about a 10 being a 4 after a six-pack? Ed.]
2726A couple took their young son for his first visit to the circus, and by
2727chance their seats were next to the elephant pen. When his father left
2728to buy popcorn, the boy piped up,
2729 "Mom, what's that long thing on the elephant?"
2730 "That's the elephant's trunk, dear," she replied.
2731 "No, not that."
2732 "Oh, that's the elephant's tail."
2733 "No, Mom. Down underneath."
2734 His mother blushed and said, "Oh, that's nothing."
2735 Pretty soon the father returned, and the mother went off to get
2736a soda. As soon as she had left the boy repeated his question.
2737 "That's the elephant's trunk, son."
2738 "Dad, I know what an elephant's trunk is. The thing at the
2739other end."
2740 "Oh, that's the elephant's tail."
2741 "No. Down there."
2742 The father took a good look and explained, "That's the elephant's
2744 "Dad, how come when I asked Mom, she said it was nothing?"
2745 The man took a deep breath and replied, "Son, I've *spoiled*
2746that woman."
2748A couple was fishing near Clombe
2749When the maid began looking quite glum,
2750 And said, "Bother the fish!
2751 I'd rather coish!"
2752Which they did -- which was why they had come.
2754A cowhand way out in Seattle
2755Had a dooflicker flat as a paddle.
2756 He said, "No, I can't fuck
2757 A lamb or a duck,
2758But golly! it just fits the cattle."
2760A crusader's wife slipped from the garrison
2761And had an affair with a Saracen.
2762 She was not oversexed,
2763 Or jealous or vexed,
2764She just wanted to make a comparison.
2766A CS student named Lin
2767Had a prick the size of a pin
2768 It was no good for girls
2769 But just great for squirrels
2770Who squealed with delight with it in.
2772A cute little twerp from Samoa
2773Had a cock of one inch and no moa.
2774 It was good for keyholes
2775 And debutantes' peeholes
2776But not worth a damn on a whoa.
2778A daredevil skater named Lowe,
2779Leaps barrels arranged in the snow,
2780 But is proudest of doing,
2781 Some incredible screwing,
2782Since he's jumped thirteen girls in a row!
2784A deep-throated virgin named Netty
2785Was sucking a cock on the jetty.
2786 She said, "It tastes nice,
2787 Much better than rice,
2788Though not quite as good as spaghetti."
2790A definition of teaching: casting fake pearls before real swine.
2791 -- Bill Cain, "Stand Up Tragedy"
2793A delighted, incredulous bride
2794Remarked to her groom at her side :
2795 "I never could quite
2796 Believe till tonight
2797Our anatomies would coincide."
2799A dentist, young doctor Malone,
2800Got a charming girl patient alone,
2801 And, in his depravity,
2802 Filled the wrong cavity.
2803God, how his practice has grown.
2805A despairing old landlord named Fyfe,
2806With a frigid and quarrelsome wife,
2807 Let his third-story front,
2808 To a willing young cunt,
2809Who supplied him a new lease on life!
2811A desperate spinster from Clare
2812Once knelt in the moonlight all bare,
2813 And prayed to her God
2814 For a romp on the sod--
2815'Twas a passerby answered her prayer.
2817A distinguished professor from Swarthmore
2818Got along with a sexy young sophomore.
2819 As quick as a glance
2820 He stripped off his pants,
2821But he found that the sophomore'd got off more.
2823A doctoral student from Buckingham
2824Wrote his thesis on cunts and on fucking'em.
2825 But a dropout from paree
2826 Taught him Gamahuchee
2827- so he added a footnote on sucking 'em.
2829A doctoral student from Buckingham
2830Wrote his thesis on cunts and on fucking'em.
2831 But a dropout from paree
2832 Taught him Gamahuchee
2833So he added a footnote on sucking 'em.
2835A do-it-yourselfer named Alice,
2836Used a dynamite stick for a phallus.
2837 She blew her vagina
2838 To South Carolina,
2839And her tits landed somewhere in Dallas.
2841A cute friend of hers, Fanny Hill,
2842Used two dynamite sticks for a dil.
2843 They found her vagina,
2844 In South Carolina,
2845And part of her ass in Brazil.
2847A dolly in Dallas named Alice,
2848Whose overworked sex is all callous,
2849 Wore the foreskin away
2850 On uncircumcised Ray,
2851Through exuberance, tightness, and malice.
2853A dreary young bank clerk named Fennis
2854Wished to foster an aura of menace;
2855 To make people afraid
2856 He wore gloves of grey suede
2857And white footgear intended for tennis.
2858 -- Edward Gorey
2860A dreary young bank clerk named Fennis
2861Wished to foster an aura of menace.
2862 To make people afraid
2863 He wore gloves of grey suede
2864And white footgear intended for tennis.
2865 -- Edward Gorey, "Amphigorey"
2867A drunk was sitting at the end of the bar in a popular single's place,
2868watching a young, good-looking man working his way through the women. The
2869guy didn't appear to be having much luck, and he was only spending a few
2870moments with each woman. As he worked his way closer, while he couldn't
2871hear what the young man was saying, he realized that the women were somewhat
2872shocked at his approach. Finally, the man approaches a pretty brunette and
2873they hit it off immediately. After a bit of quiet conversation, she handed
2874the young man her hotel key and they started off for the elevators. As they
2875passed the drunk, he stopped the lucky one and asked him what his method was.
2876 "Well," the man replied, "It's simple. You say 'Tickle your ass
2877with a feather?' If she sounds interested, you take it from there. If she
2878sounds angry, you smile and say 'Typically nasty weather.'"
2879 The drunk says "Ohhhhh, got it, I got it!" and walks over to a woman
2880at the end of the bar to try out his new approach. Getting her attention,
2881he smiles and says "Fuck me!"
2882 "What?!?!?" she screams.
2883 "Raining like hell, isn't it?"
2885A figure with curves always offers a lot of interesting angles.
2887A fisherman from Maine went to Alabama on his vacation. He rented a boat,
2888rowed out to the middle of the lake, and cast his line, but when he looked
2889down into the water he was horrified to see a man wrapped in chains lying
2890on the bottom of the lake. He quickly rowed to shore and ran to the police
2891station. "Sheriff, sheriff," he gasped, there's a guy wrapped in chains,
2892drowned in the lake!"
2893 "Now ain't that jest like a Yankee," drawled the sheriff, "to steal
2894more chain than he can swim with?"
2896A fool is a man who worries about whether or not his lover has integrity.
2897A wise man, on the other hand, busies himself with deeper attributes.
2899A friend of mine received a note through the mail advising him,
2900 "If you don't stop making love to my wife, I'll kill you."
2901The trouble is, the note wasn't signed.
2903A friendly message from your Internal Revenue Service: tax time is
2904coming again soon. Bend over.
2906A gambler was telling a friend about his first junket to Las Vegas and how
2907hard it was to get any sleep.
2908 "I was awakened at one, two and four in the morning by a
2909drunken chorus girl banging on the door and screaming," he recalled.
2910 "That's terrible," the friend said." How'd you ever get any sleep?"
2911 "At five o'clock I unlocked the door and let her out."
2913A game can by God repent or we'll punish it.
2914That's how they did it in Salem in the seventeenth century,
2915and that's how we'll do it now.
2916 -- Dick Hamlet
2918A genius is a queer who can whistle while he works.
2919 -- Bobby Knight
2921A girl's conscience doesn't really keep her from doing anything wrong--
2922it merely keeps her from enjoying it.
2924A gorgeous young sophomore is having an affair with her English
2925professor. She goes home to visit her family for Christmas vacation
2926and when she gets back, she immediately invites him over for the
2927night. As soon as he walks through the door she hugs him and
2928asks, "Were you blue while I was away?"
2929 "Blown, my dear," the professor corrects her, "blown."
2931A grade school teacher, who was doing a unit on World War II heard that
2932the father of one of her students had been a fighter pilot during the war
2933with one of the Scandinavian Air Forces. She invited him to come in and
2934speak to the class. The guy was more than happy to talk, and began with
2935a story about a morning patrol where he had been nearly shot down.
2936 "We had been up for about 20 minutes flying over enemy held
2937territory, when we noticed, just in time, 3 fokkers diving on us from above."
2938At the first mention of `fokkers' the class giggled a little bit.
2939 "Our group broke formation, and began the dog-fighting. As we
2940fought, we noticed 2 more fokkers coming at us from above and 2 more
2941fokkers, fresh from the landing field, come to join the battle".
2942At this second and third mention of `fokkers' the class was almost laughing
2943openly, and the teacher interrupted the story to ask the pilot to explain
2944to the class that a 'fokker' was a particular type of plane flown by the
2945German Air Force.
2946 He replied, "Ya, dat is true, but these fokkers were Messerschmidts".
2948A group of scientists discovered an apelike creature in the jungle, which
2949they hoped would prove to be the missing link. The proof of their theory,
2950however, required that a human mate with the animal so that they could see
2951what characteristics the offspring would assume. Needing volunteers, the
2952scientists placed an ad in the paper: "$5000 to mate with ape."
2953 Almost immediately, they received response from a man who said he
2954would be willing to take part in the experiment, with three conditions.
2955 "First," he said, "my wife must never know. Second, any children
2956must be baptized. And, third, I'd have to pay in installments."
2958A guest in a household quite charmless
2959Was informed its eccentric was harmless:
2960 "If you're caught unawares
2961 At the head of the stairs,
2962Just remember, he's eyeless and armless."
2963 -- Edward Gorey
2965A guy comes into a bar with a frog and sets it down next to the prettiest
2966girl there.
2967 "This is a very special frog," he informs her. "His name is Charlie."
2968 "What's so special about this frog?" she asks.
2969He's reluctant to tell her, but when pressed, explains that,
2970 "This frog can eat pussy."
2971The girl slaps him, knocking him off his chair, and accuses him of telling her
2972a filthy lie. But no, he assures her, it's completely true. And after much
2973discussion, she agrees to come back to his apartment to see the frog in action.
2974She positions herself appropriately, the guy carefully takes out the frog, and
2975says, "Okay, Charlie, do your stuff!" The frog is immobile, despite his
2976owner's exhortations, and the girl starts to snicker.
2977 "Okay, Charlie, do your stuff!"
2978 "C'mon Charlie, do your stuff!"
2979By now, the girl is laughing openly.
2980 "Okay, Charlie," says the guy, moving the frog out of the way, "I'm
2981only going to show you one more time."
2983A guy walks into a bar, orders a beer, carries it to the bathroom and dumps it
2984into a urinal. Over the course of the next few hours, he goes back to the bar
2985and repeats this sequence -- several times. Finally the bartender got so
2986curious that he leaned over the bar and asked him what he was doing.
2987 Replied the customer, "Avoiding the middleman."
2989A habit depraved and unsavory
2990Held the bishop of Bingham in slavery
2991 Midst screeches and howls
2992 He deflowered young owls
2993Which he kept in an underground aviary
2995A habit obscene and bizarre,
2996Has taken a-hold of papa.
2997 He brings home young camels
2998 And other odd mammals,
2999And gives them a go at mama.
3001A habit obscene and unsavory,
3002Holds a CS professor in slavery.
3003 With maniacal howls,
3004 He deflowers young owls,
3005That he keeps in an underground aviary.
3007A hacker who screwed a mag tape
3008Was caught and convicted of rape.
3009 To jail he did go,
3010 From which, to his woe
3011He couldn't get out with ESC.
3013A hacker-turned-pervert named Fisk
3014Made love to the drive of his disk.
3015 The thing circumsized him,
3016 Which rather surprised him.
3017He wasn't aware of *that* risk.
3019A hand in a bird is worth two on 'er bush.
3021A hand in the bush is worth two on the bird.
3023A hard man is good to find.
3025A huge Rambolike fellow walked into a tavern and took a seat in the middle of
3026the bar. After downing a double in one gulp, he glared at the six men to his
3027right and said, "You're all no-good motherfuckers. Anyone have a problem with
3029 When no one said a word, the brawny fellow ordered another whiskey,
3030downed it in one gulp, turned to the five men on his left and said, "You're
3031all cocksuckers. Anyone have a problem with that?"
3032 Everybody on the left stared silently into his drink. Suddenly, a man
3033on the right stood up and started walking toward the big guy. "Hey, asshole!"
3034the thug bellowed. "You got a problem with what I said?"
3035 "No problem at all," came the reply. "I was just sitting at the wrong
3036end of the bar."
3038A hunter saved a native boy from a boa constrictor. In gratitude, the boy gave
3039the hunter a magic gorilla prick. The lad said the prick would do anything you
3040told it to do until you told it to do something else. When the hunter returned
3041home to England, he put the magic gorilla prick on the mantle along with some
3042of his other trophies. His wife thought it quaint and his story charming. But
3043soon, the hunter went a-safariing again. He was away for months. One evening,
3044the woman eyed the MGP carefully and whispered, "Gorilla Prick, fuck me."
3045Whereupon the thing jumped off the mantle and began to bang her with great
3046thoroughness and ferocity. For the first twenty minutes it was pure heaven,
3047but after the next few minutes it became fatiguing, and she said, "Stop it,
3048Gorilla Prick," but it didn't. After a bit more she was screaming "Stop!
3049Stop!" at the thing and trying to pull it out of her smoking hole. But nothing
3050worked. Finally, the butler bursts into the room, summoned by her screams.
3051 "Saunders, help me please!"
3052 "But what is it, Madame?"
3053 "It's a Magic Gorilla Prick!"
3054 "Gorilla prick, my ass!! ... AAAaaeeeeeeeeeiiiiiiiii!!!!!!"
3056A husky foreigner, looking for sex, accepted a prostitute's terms. When
3057she undressed, he noticed that she had no pubic hair. The man shouted,
3058"What, no wool? In my country all women have wool down there."
3059 The prostitute snapped back, "What do you want to do, knit or fuck?"
3061A lanky Texan was mad because Texas had just become the second largest state in
3062the Union, so he made up his mind to move to Alaska. He drove for three days
3063and three nights to get there and finally he came to what looked like the state
3064line. He halted his car and walked up to the border guard. "Hi, there! How
3065do I become a resident of this here biggest state?" demanded the Texan.
3066 The guard looked him up and down and grinned. "Waal," he answered,
3067there are three things you gotta do to get in. First, drink down a quart of
3068110 proof corn liquor without blinkin'. Second, kill a grizzly bear, and
3069third, make love to an Eskimo woman."
3070 "Sounds easy enough," said the Texan. "Where can I get a quart of
3071this here corn liquor?"
3072 "Got one right here," replied the guard.
3073 The Texan gulped down the whiskey without batting an eyelash.
3074"Now, do you happen to know where I can find me a grizzly?"
3075 "Yep," answered the guard, "there's a big b'ar over that way, 'bout
3076a mile... lives in a cave on that cliff."
3077 The Texan lurched merrily off. About an hour later he returned
3078with his clothes almost torn off and his face scratched and bloody. He was
3079smiling happily. "Now," he roared, "where's that damn Eskimo woman you
3080want killed?"
3082A lisping fag fell off a pleasure yacht and began to scream. "Help! Help, I
3083can't thwim!" One of the other passengers heard the caterwauling and leaned
3084over the rail, remarking, "Really, there's no need to scream. Just reach out
3085and grab that buoy near you." To which the floundering sodomite answered,
3086"Buoy! Oh, thith ith no time for thekth, you degenerate... I'm dwowning!"
3088A little bit of rape is good for a man's soul.
3089 -- Norman Mailer
3091A little Mexican boy comes home from school one day and says to his grand-
3092father, "Granddaddy, today my teacher said that Pancho Villa, the bandit
3093used to raid towns around here! Did you ever know him?"
3094 "Do *I* know Pancho Villa?" exclaims the man. "Why, boy, before
3095your father was born, I was riding into town on my horse. Suddenly, from
3096behind the bushes leaped Pancho with his six-guns drawn! He told me to get
3097down off the horse and to give him all my money. Then, he told me to scoop
3098some manure from the ground and eat it!"
3099 "I refused at first, but Pancho had the guns, so I ate the shit.
3100And he started laughing so hard that it scared his horse into rearing up --
3101I grabbed the guns from his hands! I said to Pancho, `Okay, Pancho, now
3102it's your turn -- you eat the shit!' I had the guns, so he ate the shit.
3103 "And you ask me, child, if I know Pancho Villa, the bandit! Why,
3104we had *lunch* together!"
3106A lively case was in progress in the District Court at Lick Skillet. Judge
3107Flannery was presiding, and on the witness stand was Tush Bumpass.
3108 "From where ah was standin'", drawled Tush, "Ah could see he'd
3109backed 'er up agin' thet there wall, and ef Ah ever sawed a screwin' match,
3110thet one wuz!"
3111 "Mr. Bumpass," the Judge interrupted, "I'd prefer that you not use
3112the word 'screw' in the courtroom. Say 'intercourse' instead."
3113 Tush looked puzzled. "Intercourse? Whut's thet, Judge?"
3114 His Honor sighed. "It's a technicality of language that you're
3115probably not aware of. Never mind. Please continue."
3116 "Well, like ah said, he had 'er shoved up agin' thet wall, an' he
3117was... uh... intercoursin' 'er, an' he give 'er the crossjostle, the Chicago
3118Stroke, an she let out with a holler thet..."
3119 "One moment," interrupted the Bench. "What is this, ah, Chicago
3120Stroke, Mr. Bumpass?"
3121 "Well, thet's a technicality of screwin', Judge, thet you're probably
3122not aware of!"
3124A lover without indiscretion is no lover at all.
3125 -- Thomas Hardy
3127A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who has never owned a car.
3128 -- Carrie Snow
3130A man always needs to remember one thing about
3131a beautiful woman. Somewhere, somebody's tired of her.
3133A man and a woman got married. Although it is the first time for the
3134husband, it is the woman's second marriage. As they go to bed on their
3135wedding night, the wife says to her husband:
3137 "Dear, there's something I must tell you. I'm a virgin."
3138Naturally, the husband is surprised.
3139 "You've been married before!", he says, "How can you still be a
3141 "Well, it's all quite simple," she retorted, "my husband was a
3142computer programmer."
3143 "What's so odd about that?", he asked. "Why would you still be
3144a virgin after a marriage to a programmer?"
3145 "Well", she said, "all he did was sit on the edge of the bed and
3146tell me how great it was going to be."
3148A man arrived home early to find his wife in the arms of his best friend,
3149who swore how much they were in love. To quiet the enraged husband, the
3150lover suggested, "Friends shouldn't fight, let's play gin rummy. If I win,
3151you get a divorce so I can marry her. If you win, I promise never to see
3152her again. Okay?"
3153 "Alright," agreed the husband. "But how about a quarter a point
3154on the side to make it interesting?"
3156A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen
3157or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.
3158 -- Joan Rivers
3160A man goes into a bar and begins to tell a Polish joke. The man sitting
3161next to him, a big hulking powerhouse, turns and says menacingly, "*I'm*
3163 He then calls out, "Ivan! Come over here and bring your brother."
3164Two men, bigger than the first, appear from the back room.
3165 "Josef!" the man calls out, "come here a second, and bring Lendl
3166with you." Two more men appear, and all five men crowd around the man with
3167the joke.
3168 "Now," says the first Polish man, "do you want to finish that joke?"
3169 "Nah," says the man.
3170 "Oh, no? And why not? I'm sure it was very funny," says the Polish
3171man, opening and closing his fist. "Are you scared?"
3172 "No," replies the man. "I just don't feel like having to explain it
3173five times."
3175A man goes into a hospital for a routine appendectomy. When he wakes up
3176from the anesthesia, he sees a large group of doctors gathered anxiously
3177around his bed.
3178 "What happened?" he asks worriedly.
3179 "Well," says one of the doctors, "there was a small clerical error,
3180and you got mixed-up with another patient. Instead of an appendectomy, we
3181performed a sex-change operation. Your penis has been removed and a vagina
3182has been crafted into place."
3183 "WHAT!!!" screams the man. "That's horrible! What am I going to
3184tell my wife? Can't you reverse it? This means I'm never going to experience
3185another erection!"
3186 "Well, you will, you *will*," reassures the doctor, "but it will, of
3187course, have to be someone else's."
3189A man is as old as the woman he feels.
3190 -- Groucho Marx
3192A man is driving down the road on his way to Salerno. By the roadside he
3193sees a man hitchhiking and stops to pick him up. As the man gets into his
3194car he suddenly pulls out a gun and makes the driver get out of the car.
3195 "All right, buddy," says the man, "I want to you jerk off."
3196 "What!?" says the man, disbelievingly.
3197 "Go ahead, do it!" says the hitchhiker.
3198 So the driver masturbates, and when he is through, says, "All right,
3199I did what you wanted, can I go now?"
3200 "Nope," says the hijacker. "Do it again."
3201 "Again?" the driver exclaims. "I just did it."
3202 "Do it again."
3203 It takes a little longer this time, but he manages to come again.
3204Panting, he turns to his tormenter and again asks if he can leave.
3205 "Yes," the man replies, "but only after you've done it one more
3207 The guy is really scared now; he's starting to sweat. It takes him
3208twenty minutes, this time, but he finally comes a third time.
3209 "Listen, buddy, can I please leave now?"
3210 "Yeah," says the man, lowering his gun. "And this is my daughter;
3211I want you to drive her into Salerno."
3213A man is marooned on a desert island with a female sheep and a male Doberman
3214for companionship. The animals soon get it on sexually, and all goes well
3215until the man becomes unbearably horny and makes his move for the ewe, at
3216which point the dog interposes himself, snarling, fangs bared. Months later,
3217a raft drifts into sight. The sailor swims out, finds a beautiful girl on it,
3218takes her to shore and feeds and comforts her.
3219 "You are so good to me," she responds gratefully. "I'd do absolutely
3220anything to show my gratitude."
3221 "Would you?" smiles the sailor as he unfastens the length of rope
3222that holds up his ragged pants. "Well, then, here -- use this as a leash
3223and take that damn dog for a walk!"
3225A man is playing golf at a very exclusive country club when he hits a hole-
3226in-one. As he takes his ball from the cup, a genie appears.
3227 "Since you've made a hole in one, you may have a single wish. What
3228is your heart's desire?"
3229 "Great!", replies the man. I want a longer penis."
3230 "Your wish is granted," says the genie, and promptly disappears.
3231 As the golfer continues through the rest of the course he can
3232feel his penis slowly growing, to an extent that it's becoming uncomfortable.
3233By the time he completes the 18th hole it's extended down his pants leg to
3234his knee. Thinking to himself that this isn't quite what he had in mind, he
3235grabs a bucket of balls and heads back out onto the course. Three weeks later,
3236he manages another hole-in-one and the genie reappears.
3237 "Since you've made a hole in one, you may have a single wish. What
3238is your heart's desire?"
3239 "Yeah, I know all that," replies the man. "Listen, could you make
3240my legs longer?"
3242A man is talking to his wife when he mentions that there's a "Big Dick"
3243contest at one of the bars in town and the prize for the winner is $1000.
3244 "Oh, honey," she exclaims, "I don't want you taking that thing
3245out in public!"
3246 "But baby," he says, "$1000 is a lot of money."
3247 "I don't care!" she says, stamping her foot. "I don't want you
3248showing that thing to everybody."
3249 And the subject isn't mentioned again, until the following evening
3250when he hands her $1000.
3251 "Did you enter the contest, even after I told you I didn't want
3252you to?" she asks.
3253 "Please forgive me, turtle dove," he says. "I thought we could use
3254the money."
3255 "You mean you took that thing out for everybody to see?" she says,
3256tears welling up in her eyes.
3257 "Only enough to win, honey, only enough to win."
3259A man is walking along when he sees a funeral procession going by, the
3260longest procession he's ever seen. It seems to consist of the hearse,
3261followed by a man with a Doberman on a leash, followed by several hundred
3262other men. After watching for a few minutes, he can restrain his curiosity
3263no longer, and walks up to one of the mourners.
3264 "Excuse me, sir, I don't mean to bother you in your moment of grief,
3265but this is the strangest procession I've ever seen. What happened, who is
3266the funeral for?"
3267 "Well, it's nothing special, really, the funeral is for the mother-
3268in-law of the man at the front of the procession. You see, his Doberman
3269attacked and killed her."
3270 "That's awful!", replies the onlooker. "But... um... tell me, you
3271don't think he'd let me borrow that dog, do you?"
3272 "Get in line, buddy," replies the mourner, "get in line."
3274A man is walking down the street when he sees a man with four arms, and
3275antennae coming out of his head. He goes up to him and says, "You're not
3276from around here, are you?"
3277 "No," replies the man with the antennae.
3278 "You know," continues the man, "I don't think you're an American,
3279either. In fact, I bet you don't even come from this planet!"
3280 "Right again," says the man with four arms. "I'm from Mars."
3281 "Well," says the man, "that's quite some configuration you've got
3282there, with those four arms and those antennae and everything."
3283 "We Martians all have four arms and antennae."
3284 "Well, that's just amazing," replies the man, "and how about that
3285big gold colored plate in the middle of your chest, what's that, do all
3286Martians have that?"
3287 "Well, no," says the Martian. "Not the *goyim*."
3289A man marries to have a home, but also because he doesn't want to be
3290bothered with sex and all that sort of thing.
3291 -- W. Somerset Maugham, "The Circle"
3293A man needs a mistress, just to break the monogamy.
3295A man never minds being in the doghouse
3296as long as he can get his tail outside.
3298A man rushed into a bar and breathlessly asked the bartender to pour him
3299three straight scotches. The bartender complied, and watched as he downed
3300them one after another.
3301 "Why three scotches?" the bartender asked as he paused for breath.
3302 "Well, to be honest, I'm celebrating my first blow-job."
3303 "Hell, congratulations, the next one's on me."
3304 "No, thanks," the young man replied, "if the first three didn't get
3305the taste out of my mouth, I don't think another one will."
3307A man sat down next to another passenger on a train recently and couldn't
3308help overhearing his conversation out the window with a man standing on
3309the train platform.
3310 "Thanks for putting me up while I was here, Sam," said the passenger.
3311 "Glad to do it," said the other man.
3312 "Thanks for the food and the drinks -- everything was wonderful."
3313 "It was a pleasure," said the man.
3314 "And thank your wife, Sam, she was great," said the passenger,
3315"she was a truly great lay."
3316 The man was rather taken aback by this exchange and he later turned
3317to his fellow passenger and said: "Pardon me sir, but did I understand you
3318to say that your friend's wife was a great lay?"
3319 "Well," said the other passenger, "I didn't REALLY enjoy it. But
3320Sam is a helluva nice guy."
3322A man walks into the doctor's office and the doctor says to him, "I've got
3323some good news and some bad news."
3324 "Tell me the good news first" the patient replies.
3325 "The good news is that your penis is going to be about two inches
3326longer and about an inch wider," the doctor says.
3327 "That's great!" says his patient. "What's the bad news?"
3328 "Malignant."
3330A man was playing golf one day when a little frog hopped out the water at a
3331water hazard and croaked, "I am a magic frog, and since you are the 10,000th
3332person to play through here, I'm prepared to offer you one of two magic gifts:
3333First, for a whole year you can have the most fabulous sex life that anyone
3334ever had; beyond your wildest dreams. Or, second, for a whole year you can
3335be the best golfer the world has ever known. Which do you prefer?" The man
3336thought a bit and said that he'd take the golf. Well, the man holed his wood
3337shot from where he was, completed the course in an average of 2 per hole, and
3338went round in 22. Quickly he attracted the attention of the sports world,
3339and became the world's best-known golfer, setting course records wherever
3340he went. A year later he was playing the same course inhabited by the frog,
3341and at the water hazard the frog hopped out and said, "Well, the year is up,
3342and you now revert to the 18-handicap player you were before. But tell me, I
3343was a little surprised that you chose the golf -- I take it your sex life is
3344outstanding?" The man said, "Well, I have no complaints in that department
3345at all, which is why I chose the golf." "How many times did you engage in sex
3346last year?" inquired the frog. The man thought a little and said, "Oh, eight
3347or ten times, I guess." "Damn," said the frog, "that doesn't strike me as very
3348satisfactory." "Oh, I don't know," replied the man, "it doesn't seem so bad
3349for a Catholic priest from a little town in South Dakota."
3351A man was talking to his best friend about his married life. "You know," he
3352says, "I really trust my wife, and I think she has always been faithful to
3353me, but there's *always* that doubt. There's *always* that little doubt."
3354 "Yeah, I know what you mean," his friend replies.
3355 "Well, buddy, I've got to leave on a business trip this weekend,
3356and I wonder... well... would you watch my house while I'm gone? I trust
3357her, it's just that there's *always* that doubt."
3358 The friend agreed to help out and two weeks later gave his report.
3359 "I've got some bad news for you," says the friend. "The evening
3360after you left I saw a strange car pull up in front of your house. A man
3361got out of the car and went in the house and had dinner with your wife.
3362After dinner they went upstairs and I saw your wife kissing him. Then, he
3363took off his shirt and she took off her blouse. And then the light went
3365 "*Then* what happened?" said the husband, his eyes opening wide.
3366 "Well, I don't know," replied the friend, "it was too dark to see."
3367 "Damn!" roared the husband. "You see what I mean? There's *always*
3368that doubt!"
3370A man who likes to lie in bed can usually
3371find a girl willing to listen to him.
3373A man with no arms walked into a bar and asked for a beer. The bartender
3374shoved the foaming glass in front of him.
3375 "Look," said the customer, "I have no arms -- would you please hold
3376the glass for me?
3377 "Sure," said the bartender.
3378 "If," said the customer, "you'll reach in my right hand coat pocket,
3379you'll find the money for the beer."
3380 The bartender got the money and rang up the bill.
3381 "You've been very kind," said the customer. "Just one thing more.
3382Where is the men's room?"
3383 "Up the street to the light," said the bartender, "turn left, walk
3384two blocks, and there's a gas station on the corner."
3386A man without a God is like a fish without a bicycle.
3388A man without a woman is like a statue without pigeons.
3390A man's father is very, very old, and the son can't afford very good treatment
3391for him, so he's in a rather shabby, run-down nursing home. One day the son
3392wins a lottery -- and the first thing he does is install his father in the best
3393old age home that money can buy.
3394 On the first day the old man is sitting watching TV, and he starts
3395to lean a little bit to one side. Right away a nurse runs over and gently
3396straightens the old man. A little later he's eating dinner, and when he
3397finishes, he begins to tip a little bit to one side. Another nurse runs
3398over and gently pushes him upright again.
3399 The son visits his father later that evening and asks him how he's
3400being treated.
3401 "It's a wonderful place, son," replies the father. "I really like
3402it here, gourmet food, color TV's in every room, the service is unbelievable,
3403there's just one little problem."
3404 "What's that, Dad?"
3405 "They won't let you fart."
3407A midget had a date with a very tall girl. It was a quiff-hanger.
3409A Mormon is a man that has the bad taste and the religion to do what a good
3410many other people are restrained from doing by conscientious scruples and
3411the police.
3412 -- Mr. Dooley
3414A mouse was sniffing around in a meadow, when an eagle swooped down,
3415swallowed him whole, and rose up in the air again. The mouse worked
3416his way through until his head was sticking out of the bird's asshole.
3417 "Say, good buddy," he squeaked, "how high up are we, anyway?"
3418 "Oh, about two thousand feet," answered the eagle.
3419 The mouse's eyes bugged out. "Hey, you wouldn't shit me, would you?"
3421A new lumberjack had just finished his first month in the lonely wilds of
3422Alaska, where there were no women for miles. He finally couldn't take it
3423anymore and nervously asked the foreman what the other men did to relieve
3424the pressure.
3425 "Try the hole in the barrel outside the shower," suggested the
3426foreman. "The other men swear by it."
3427 The lumberjack dubiously tried it out and had the experience of
3428his life. "That barrel is fantastic! Warm! Wet! I'm going to use it
3429every day!"
3430 "Every day but the third Wednesday of the month," one of the
3431other men replied.
3432 "Why not then?"
3433 "That's your day in the barrel."
3435A New Yorker is riding down the road in his new Mercedes. So intent is he
3436on the cocaine in his hand he completely misses a turn and his car plunges
3437over the five-hundred-foot cliff to be smashed into pieces at the bottom.
3438As the on-lookers rush to the edge of the cliff they see him fifty feet
3439from the top of the cliff clinging to a stunted bush with all his strength.
3440"Dear Lord," he prays, "I never asked you for nothin' before, but I'm askin'
3441you now: Save me, Lord, save me."
3442 Booms the Lord: "LET GO OF THE BRANCH."
3443 "But Lord, if I do that, I'll fall!"
3445 "But Lord, I'm gonna fall and die..."
3447 Okay, Lord, I'll trust you, here I... here I go!" And he falls
3448to his death.
3451A New Yorker was driving through Berkeley when he saw a big crowd gathered
3452by the side of the street. Curiosity got the better of him and he leaned
3453out of his window to ask an onlooker what was going on. The fellow explained
3454that a protestor against the U.S. position in South America had doused
3455himself with gasoline and set himself on fire. "That's terrible," gasped
3456the man. "But why is everyone still standing around?"
3457 "Well, they're taking up a collection for his wife and kids," the
3458onlooker explained. "Would you be willing to help?"
3459 "Well, sure," replied the New Yorker. "I suppose I could spare a
3460gallon or two."
3462A non-vegetarian anti-abortionist is a contradiction in terms.
3463 -- Phyllis Schlafly
3465A Norse god decides to assume human form, come down from Valhalla, and check
3466out the local action. He finds himself in the piano bar of Caesar's Boardwalk
3467Regency in Atlantic City, and sits down to sip an Acquavit or two. After a few
3468minutes, an extremely attractive young woman, having been taken with his form
3469and features, sends a drink down to him, then joins him. The chemistry between
3470them is immediate and total. They have the next drink in her room, and spend
3471the night repeatedly making passionate love. The woman has no idea of her
3472partner's true identity; all she knows is he's driving her mad. In the
3473morning, the Norse god jumps into the shower. Reflecting on the previous
3474night he decides that he wants to be honest with his new lover. Without even
3475bothering to wrap himself in a towel, he leaps from the shower into the room,
3476where the woman is still in bed, exhausted. He kneels beside the bed, looks
3477deep into her eyes and says, "Honey, I have something very important to tell
3478you -- I'm Thor!".
3479 The woman looks at him. "You're Thor?", she says. "My inthides feel
3480like grated cheeth!"
3482A nubile female virtually never experiences difficulty in finding willing
3483sexual partners, and in a natural habitat nubile females are probably always
3484married. The basic female "strategy" is to obtain the best possible husband,
3485to be fertilized by the fittest available male (always, of course, taking
3486risk into account), and to maximize the returns on sexual favors bestowed:
3487to be sexually aroused by the sight of males would promote random matings,
3488thus undermining all of these aims, and would also waste time and energy
3489that could be spent in economically significant activities and in nurturing
3490children. A female's reproductive success would be seriously compromised
3491by the propensity to be sexually aroused by the sight of males.
3492 -- Donald Symons, "The Evolution of Human Sexuality",
3493 attempting to explain the lack of female interest in
3494 pornography.
3496A nubile female virtually never experiences difficulty in finding willing
3497sexual partners, and in a natural habitat nubile females are probably always
3498married. The basic female "strategy" is to obtain the best possible husband,
3499to be fertilized by the fittest available male (always, of course, taking
3500risk into account), and to maximize the returns on sexual favors bestowed:
3501to be sexually aroused by the sight of males would promote random matings,
3502thus undermining all of these aims, and would also waste time and energy
3503that could be spent in economically significant activities and in nurturing
3504children. A female's reproductive success would be seriously compromised
3505by the propensity to be sexually aroused by the sight of males.
3506 -- Donald Symons, "The Evolution of Human Sexuality",
3507 attempting to explain the lack of female interest in
3508 pornography.
3510A nuclear family is out golfing one day, when it becomes clear that Dad isn't
3511going to win any trophies, at least on this course. On the 3rd hole, after
3512two miserable bogies, he misses a two foot putt and exclaims, "Shit!"
3513 His wife glances over at their sixteen year old daughter and says
3515 On the fourth hole Dad tees off with an incredible hook, and, after
3516the inevitable exclamation, his wife reproves him with "Honey!"
3517 This continues on, with his golfing getting worse and his wife getting
3518more and more upset about his language. Finally, on the 17th hole, he again
3519misses a very easy putt. Flinging his club down, he curses the hole, the
3520club, and the sunset, using the word "fuck" for the first time. His wife
3521whirls around and cries, "Honey! Our daughter is standing right next to you!"
3522 Feeling remorseful, but somewhat defensive, he turns to the
3523daughter and says, "Well, Cindy, you've heard that word before, haven't
3525 "Yes," the daughter replies, "but never in anger."
3527A nymph hits you and steals your virginity.
3529A pair of suburban couples who had known each other for quite some time
3530talked it over and decided to do a little conjugal swapping. The trade
3531was made the following evening and the newly arranged couples retired to
3532their respective houses. After about an hour of bedroom bliss, one of
3533the wives propped herself up on an elbow, looked at her new partner and
3534said: "Well, I wonder how the boys are getting along?"
3536A pederastic necrophiliac is a gentleman who is
3537true to the very end of the end of a friend.
3539A perfectly honest woman, a woman who never flatters, who never manages,
3540who never cajoles, who never conceals, who never uses her eyes, who never
3541speculates on the effect which she produces, who never is conscious of
3542unspoken admiration, what a monster, I say, would such a female be!
3543 -- Thackeray
3545A performing octopus could play the piano, the zither and a piccolo, and his
3546trainer wanted him to add the bagpipe to his accomplishments. With this in
3547mind, a bagpipe was placed in the octopus's room, and the trainer awaited
3548results. Hours passed, but no bagpipe music was heard. Since the talented
3549octopus usually learned quickly, the trainer was disturbed. Opening the door
3550the next morning, he asked the octopus,
3551 "Have you learned to play that thing yet?"
3552 "Play it!" retorted the octopus. "I've been trying to lay it all
3555A person who has both feet planted firmly
3556in the air can be safely called a liberal.
3558A policeman is walking his beat when he finds an inebriated man collapsed
3559against a building, weeping uncontrollably and holding his car keys in his
3560hands. He's moaning something about how "They took my car!" Seeing that
3561the man is well-dressed, the officer suspects that he may have a real case
3562of theft on his hands and attempts to question the man.
3563 "What happened to your car?"
3564 "My car, it was right on the end of my key, and those bastards
3565stole it! Please officer, get my Porsche back. My God, it was right on
3566the end of my key! Where is it? They stole it and it was right here;
3567right on my key!"
3568 "OK, OK, stand up, we'll see what we can do. You'll have to come
3569down to the stat... Mister, your fly's unzipped and you're exposing
3571 "Oh my God, they stole my girlfriend!"
3573A pretty woman can do anything; an ugly woman must do everything.
3575A proctologist is a doctor who puts in a hard day at the orifice.