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[dragonfly.git] / games / fortune / datfiles / limerick
984263bc 1%% $FreeBSD: src/games/fortune/datfiles/limerick,v 2002/08/09 20:40:29 fanf Exp $
1de703da 2%% $DragonFly: src/games/fortune/datfiles/limerick,v 1.2 2003/06/17 04:25:24 dillon Exp $
3A bad little girl in Madrid,
4A most reprehensible kid,
5 Told her Tante Louise
6 That her cunt smelled like cheese,
7And the worst of it was that it did!
9A bather whose clothing was strewed
10By breezes that left her quite nude,
11 Saw a man come along
12 And, unless I am wrong,
13You expected this line to be lewd.
15A bather whose clothing was strewed
16By breezes that left her quite nude,
17 Saw a man come along
18 And, unless I'm quite wrong,
19You expected this line to be lewd.
21A beat schizophrenic said, "Me?
22I am not I, I'm a tree."
23 But another, more sane,
24 Shouted, "I'm a Great Dane!"
25And covered his pants leg with pee.
27A beautiful belle of Del Norte
28Is reckoned disdainful and haughty
29 Because during the day
30 She says: "Boys, keep away!"
31But she fucks in the gloaming like forty.
33A beautiful lady named Psyche
34Is loved by a fellow named Ikey.
35 One thing about Ike
36 The lady can't like
37Is his prick, which is dreadfully spikey.
39A beetling young woman named Pridgets
40Had a violent abhorrence of midgets;
41 Off the end of a wharf
42 She once pushed a dwarf
43Whose truncation reduced her to fidgets.
44 -- Edward Gorey
46A big-bosomed Bunny named Gression
47Sold cigars at a key-club concession.
48 When she swiveled about
49 Even strong men cried out,
50For her costume did not keep her flesh in.
52A bobby of Nottingham Junction
53Whose organ had long ceased to function
54 Deceived his good wife
55 For the rest of her life
56With the aid of his constable's truncheon.
58A broken-down harlot named Tupps
59Was heard to confess in her cups:
60 "The height of my folly
61 Was diddling a collie-
62But I got a nice price for the pups."
64A broken-down harlot named Tupps
65Was heard to confess in her cups:
66 "The height of my folly
67 Was fucking a collie --
68But I got a nice price for the pups."
70A burlesque dancer, a pip
71Named Virginia, could peel in a zip;
72 But she read science fiction
73 And died of constriction
74Attempting a Moebius strip.
75 -- Cyril Kornbluth, "The Unfortunate Topology"
77A busy young lady named Gloria
78Was had by Sir Gerald du Maurier
79 And then by six men,
80 Sir Gerald again,
81And the band at the Waldorf-Astoria.
83A cabin boy on an old clipper
84Grew steadily flipper and flipper.
85 He plugged up his ass
86 With fragments of glass
87And thus circumcised his old skipper.
89A cautious young fellow named Lodge
90Had seatbelts installed in his Dodge.
91 When his date was strapped in,
92 He committed a sin,
93Without even leaving his grodge.
95A cautious young fellow named Lodge,
96Had seatbelts installed in his Dodge.
97 With his date all strapped in
98 He committed a sin
99Without even leaving the garage.
100 -- "A Boy and His Dog"
102A cautious young fellow named Tunney
103Had a whang that was worth any money.
104 When eased in half-way,
105 The girl's sigh made him say,
106"Why the sigh?" "For the rest of it, honey."
108A certain young man, it was noted,
109Went about in the heat thickly-coated;
110 He said, "You may scoff,
111 But I shan't take it off;
112Underneath I am horribly bloated."
113 -- Edward Gorey
115A certain young person of Ghent,
116Uncertain if lady or gent,
117 Shows his organs at large
118 For a small handling charge
119To assist him in paying the rent.
121A certain young sheik of Algiers
122Said to his harem, "My dears,
123 Though you may think it odd of me,
124 I'm tired of just sodomy
125Let's try straight fucking." (loud cheers!)
127A chap down in Oklahoma
128Had a cock that could sing La Paloma,
129 But the sweetness of pitch
130 Couldn't put off the hitch
131Of impotence, size and aroma.
133A charmer from old Amarillo,
134Sick of finding strange heads on her pillow,
135 Decided one day
136 That to keep men away
137She would stuff up her crevice with Brillo.
139A chippy who worked in Black Bluff
140Had a pussy as large as a muff.
141 It had room for both hands
142 And some intimate glands,
143And was soft as a little duck's fluff.
145A clerical student named Pryne
146Through pain sought to reach the divine:
147 He wore a hair shirt,
148 Quite often ate dirt,
149And bathed every Friday in brine.
150 -- Edward Gorey
152A clever young man named Eugene
153Invented a jack-off machine.
154 On the twenty-third stroke
155 The fuckin' thing broke
156And beat both his balls to a creame.
158A clever young man named Eugene
159Invented a jack-off machine.
160 On the twenty-third stroke
161 The goddam thing broke
162And beat both his balls to a creame.
164A cocksucking steno named Beeman
165Remarked as she swallowed my semen :
166 "On my minuscule salary
167 I must watch every calorie,
168So I get `ahead' eating you he-men!"
170A computer called Illiac4
171Had a rather tough bug in its core.
172 It chewed up its cards
173 And spewed yards and yards
174Of illegible tape on the floor.
176A computer, to print out a fact,
177Will divide, multiply, and subtract.
178 But this output can be
179 No more than debris,
180If the input was short of exact.
181 -- Gigo
183A contortionist hailing from Lynch
184Used to rent out his tool by the inch.
185 A foot cost a quid --
186 He could and he did
187Stretch it to three in a pinch.
189A corpulent maiden named Kroll
190Had a notion exceedingly droll:
191 At a masquerade ball,
192 Dressed in nothing at all,
193She backed in as a Parker House roll.
195A couple was fishing near Clombe
196When the maid began looking quite glum,
197 And said, "Bother the fish!
198 I'd rather coish!"
199Which they did -- which was why they had come.
201A cowhand way out in Seattle
202Had a dooflicker flat as a paddle.
203 He said, "No, I can't fuck
204 A lamb or a duck,
205But golly! it just fits the cattle."
207A crusader's wife slipped from the garrison
208And had an affair with a Saracen.
209 She was not oversexed,
210 Or jealous or vexed,
211She just wanted to make a comparison.
213A CS student named Lin
214Had a prick the size of a pin
215 It was no good for girls
216 But just great for squirrels
217Who squealed with delight with it in.
219A cute little twerp from Samoa
220Had a cock of one inch and no moa.
221 It was good for keyholes
222 And debutantes' peeholes
223But not worth a damn on a whoa.
225A daredevil skater named Lowe,
226Leaps barrels arranged in the snow,
227 But is proudest of doing,
228 Some incredible screwing,
229Since he's jumped thirteen girls in a row!
231A deep-throated virgin named Netty
232Was sucking a cock on the jetty.
233 She said, "It tastes nice,
234 Much better than rice,
235Though not quite as good as spaghetti."
237A delighted, incredulous bride
238Remarked to her groom at her side :
239 "I never could quite
240 Believe till tonight
241Our anatomies would coincide."
243A dentist, young doctor Malone,
244Got a charming girl patient alone,
245 And, in his depravity,
246 Filled the wrong cavity.
247God, how his practice has grown.
249A despairing old landlord named Fyfe,
250With a frigid and quarrelsome wife,
251 Let his third-story front,
252 To a willing young cunt,
253Who supplied him a new lease on life!
255A desperate spinster from Clare
256Once knelt in the moonlight all bare,
257 And prayed to her God
258 For a romp on the sod--
259'Twas a passerby answered her prayer.
261A distinguished professor from Swarthmore
262Got along with a sexy young sophomore.
263 As quick as a glance
264 He stripped off his pants,
265But he found that the sophomore'd got off more.
267A doctoral student from Buckingham
268Wrote his thesis on cunts and on fucking'em.
269 But a dropout from paree
270 Taught him Gamahuchee
271- so he added a footnote on sucking 'em.
273A doctoral student from Buckingham
274Wrote his thesis on cunts and on fucking'em.
275 But a dropout from paree
276 Taught him Gamahuchee
277So he added a footnote on sucking 'em.
279A do-it-yourselfer named Alice,
280Used a dynamite stick for a phallus.
281 She blew her vagina
282 To South Carolina,
283And her tits landed somewhere in Dallas.
285A cute friend of hers, Fanny Hill,
286Used two dynamite sticks for a dil.
287 They found her vagina,
288 In South Carolina,
289And part of her ass in Brazil.
291A dolly in Dallas named Alice,
292Whose overworked sex is all callous,
293 Wore the foreskin away
294 On uncircumcised Ray,
295Through exuberance, tightness, and malice.
297A dreary young bank clerk named Fennis
298Wished to foster an aura of menace;
299 To make people afraid
300 He wore gloves of grey suede
301And white footgear intended for tennis.
302 -- Edward Gorey
304A dreary young bank clerk named Fennis
305Wished to foster an aura of menace.
306 To make people afraid
307 He wore gloves of grey suede
308And white footgear intended for tennis.
309 -- Edward Gorey, "Amphigorey"
311A dulcet-voiced callgirl named Shedd,
312Who's cultured, well-spoken, well-bred,
313 Had achieved some reknown
314 For her tone going down--
315There's a nice civil tongue in her head.
317A fair-haired young damsel named Grace
318Thought it very, very foolish to place
319 Her hand on your cock
320 When it turned hard as rock,
321For fear it would explode in your face.
323A farmer I know named O'Doole
324Had a long and incredible tool.
325 He can use it to plow,
326 Or to diddle a cow,
327Or just as a cue-stick at pool.
329A fellatrix's healthful condition
330Proved the value of spunk as nutrition.
331 Her remarkable diet
332 (I suggest that you try it)
333Was only her clients' emission.
335A fellow whose surname was Hunt
336Trained his cock to perform a slick stunt:
337 This versatile spout
338 Could be turned inside out,
339Like a glove, and be used as a cunt.
341A fisherman off of Cape Cod
342Said, "I'll bugger that tuna, by God!"
343 But the high-minded fish
344 Resented his wish,
345And nimbly swam off with his rod.
347A foolish geologist from Kissen
348Just didn't know what he was missin',
349 By studying rock
350 And neglecting his cock,
351And using it merely for pissin'.
353A Frenchman who lived in Alsace
354Had sex with a virgin named Grace.
355 When he popped her cherry,
356 She made things hairy
357By bleeding all over his face.
359A frustrated lady named Alice
360Used a dynamite stick for a phallus.
361 They found her vagina
362 In North Carolina
363And bits of her tits were in Dallas.
365A gay young prince from Morocco
366Made love in a manner rococco.
367 He painted his penis
368 To resemble a venus
369And flavored his semen with cocoa.
371A geneticist living in Delft
372Scientifically played with himself,
373 And when he was done
374 He labled it: son,
375And filed him away on a shelf.
377A geneticist living in Delft
378Scientifically played with himself,
379 And when he was done
380 He labled it: son,
381And filed him away on a shelf.
382A gentleman, otherwise meek,
383Detested with passion the leek;
384 When offered one out
385 He dealt such a clout
386To the maid, she was down for a week.
387 -- Edward Gorey
389A gentleman, otherwise meek,
390Detested with passion the leek;
391 When offered one out
392 He dealt such a clout
393To the maid, she was down for a week.
394 -- Edward Gorey
396A german composer named Bruckner
397Remarked to a lady while fuckener :
398 "Less lento, my dear,
399 With your cute little rear;
400I like a hot presto when muckener!"
402A gift was delivered to Laura
403From a cousin who lived in Gomorrah;
404 Wrapped in tissue and crepe,
405 It was peeled, like a grape,
406And emitted a pale, greenish aura.
407 -- Edward Gorey
409A gifted young fellow from Sparta
410Was widely renowned as a farta'.
411 He could fart anything
412 From "Of Thee I Sing,"
413To Beethoven's "Moonlight Sonata."
415A girl camper once had an affair
416With a fellow all covered with hair.
417 When she gave him his hat
418 She realized that
419She'd been had by Smokey the Bear.
421A girl of the Enterprise crew
422Refused every offer to screw.
423 But a Vulcan named Spock
424 Crawled under her smock,
425And now she is eating for two.
427A girl of uncertain nativity
428Had an ass of extreme sensitivity
429 While she sat on the lap
430 Of a German or Jap,
431She could sense Fifth Column activity.
433A graduate student named Zac
434Was said to be great in the sack.
435 An inch of his boner
436 Put girls in a coma
437And two gave them epileptic attacks.
439A graduate student named Zac
440Was said to be great in the sack.
441 An inch of his boner
442 Put girls in a coma
443And two gave them epileptic attacks.
445A greedy young lady from Sidney
446Liked it in up to her kidney,
447 Till a man from Quebec
448 Shoved it up to her neck--
449He really diddled her, didn' he?
451A green-thumbed young farmer from Leeds
452Once swallowed a package of seeds.
453 In a month, his ass
454 Was covered with grass
455And his balls were grown over with weeds.
457A guest in a household quite charmless
458Was informed its eccentric was harmless:
459 "If you're caught unawares
460 At the head of the stairs,
461Just remember, he's eyeless and armless."
462 -- Edward Gorey
464A habit depraved and unsavory
465Held the bishop of Bingham in slavery
466 Midst screeches and howls
467 He deflowered young owls
468Which he kept in an underground aviary
470A habit obscene and bizarre,
471Has taken a-hold of papa.
472 He brings home young camels
473 And other odd mammals,
474And gives them a go at mama.
476A habit obscene and unsavory,
477Holds a CS professor in slavery.
478 With maniacal howls,
479 He deflowers young owls,
480That he keeps in an underground aviary.
482A hacker who screwed a mag tape
483Was caught and convicted of rape.
484 To jail he did go,
485 From which, to his woe
486He couldn't get out with ESC.
488A hacker-turned-pervert named Fisk
489Made love to the drive of his disk.
490 The thing circumsized him,
491 Which rather suprised him.
492He wasn't aware of *that* risk.
494A handsome young rodent named Gratian
495As a lifeguard became a sensation.
496 All the lady mice waved
497 And screamed to be saved
498By his mouse-to-mouse resuscitation.
500A happy old hooker named Grace
501Once sponsored a cunt-lapping race.
502 It was hard for beginners
503 To tell who were winners :
504There were cunt hairs all over the place.
506A hardware debugger named Court
507Shoved his tool in an Ethernet port.
508 But its buffer array
509 Only handled 1K,
510So the port's driver cut it off short.
512A haughty young wench of Del Norte
513Would fuck only men over forty.
514 Said she, "It's too quick
515 With a young fellow's prick;
516I like it to last, and be warty."
518A headstrong young woman in Ealing
519Threw her two weeks' old child at the ceiling;
520 When quizzed why she did,
521 She replied, "To be rid
522Of a strange, overpowering feeling."
523 -- Edward Gorey
525A hearty young fellow named Yost
526Once had an affair with a ghost.
527 At the height of the spasm
528 The poor ectoplasm
529Cried, "Goodie, I feel it ... almost."
531A hearty young fellow named Yost
532Once had an affair with a ghost.
533 At the height of the spasm
534 The poor ectoplasm
535Cried, "Goodie, I feel it... almost."
537A hidebound young virgin named Carrie
538Would say, when the fellows got hairy :
539 "Keep your prick in your pants
540 Till the end of this dance--"
541Which is why Carrie still has her cherry.
543A highly aesthetic young Jew
544Had eyes of a heavenly blue;
545 The end of his dillie
546 Was shaped like a lilly,
547And his balls were too utterly two!
549A highway patrol buff named Claire,
550Once screwed half a troop on a dare,
551 And her parts grew so hot,
552 There was steam on her twat,
553So they nicknamed her Smokey the Bare!
555A horny young fellow named Reg,
556Was jerking off under a hedge.
557 The gardener drew near
558 With a huge pruning shear,
559And trimmed off the edge of his wedge.
561A huge-organed female in Dallas,
562Named Alice, who yearned for a phallus,
563 Was virgo intacto,
564 Because, ipso facto,
565No phallus in Dallas fit Alice.
567A joker who haunts Monticello
568Is really a terrible fellow.
569 In the midst of caresses
570 He fills ladies dresses
571With garter snakes, ice cubes, and jello.
573A lacklustre lady of Brougham
574Weaveth all night at her loom.
575 Anon she doth blench
576 When her lord and his wench
577Pull a chain in the neighbouring room.
579A lad, at his first copulation,
580Cried, "What a sensation! Inflation,
581 Gyration, elation
582 Throughout the duration,
583I guess I'll give up masturbation."
585A lad from far-off Transvaal
586Was lustful, but tactful withal.
587 He'd say, just for luck,
588 "Mam'selle, do you fuck?"
589But he'd bow till he almost would crawl.
591A lad of the brainier kind
592Had erogenous zones in his mind.
593 He got his sensations,
594 By solving equations,
595(Of course, in the end, he went blind.)
597A lady born under a curse
598Used to drive forth each day in a hearse;
599 From the back she would wail
600 Through a thickness of veil:
601"Things do not get better, but worse."
602 -- Edward Gorey
604A lady both callous and brash
605Met a man with a vast black moustache;
606 She cried, "Shave it, O do!
607 And I'll put it with glue
608On my hat as a sort of panache."
609 -- Edward Gorey
611A lady from Kalamazoo
612Once found she had nothing to do,
613 So she sat on the stairs
614 And she counted her hairs:
617A lady from Old Little Rock
618In fidelity took little stock,
619 And deserted her man
620 In the streets of Japan
621For a boy with a prehensile cock.
623A lady removing her scanties,
624Heard them crackle electrical chanties.
625 Said her beau, "Have no fear,
626 For the reason is clear:
627You simply have amps in your panties.
629A lady stockholder quite hetera
630Decided her fortune to bettera:
631 On the floor, quite unclad,
632 She successively had
633Merrill Lynch, Pierce, Fenner, et cetera...
635A lady was seized with intent
636To revise her existence misspent.
637 So she climbed up the dome
638 Of St. Peter's in Rome,
639Where she stayed through the following Lent.
640 -- Edward Gorey
642A lady while dining at Crewe
643Found an elephant's whang in her stew.
644 Said the waiter, "Don't shout,
645 And don't wave it about,
646Or the others will all want one too."
648A lady, while dining in Crewe,
649Found an elephant's whang in her stew.
650 Said the waiter, "Don't shout
651 Or wave it about
652Or the others will ask for one, too."
654A lady who signs herself "Vexed"
655Writes to say she believes she's been hexed:
656 "I don't mind my shins
657 Being stuck full of pins,
658But I fear I am coming unsexed."
659 -- Edward Gorey
661A lady with features cherubic
662Was famed for her area pubic.
663 When they asked her its size
664 She replied in surprise,
665"Are you speaking of square feet, or cubic?"
667A lass at the foot of her class
668Asked a brainier chick how to pass.
669 She replied, "With no fuss
670 You can get a B-plus,
671By letting the prof pat your ass."
673A lecherous barkeep named Dale,
674After fucking his favorite female,
675 Mixed Drambuie and scotch
676 With the cream in her crotch
677For a lustier, Rusty-er Nail.
679A licentious old justice of Salem
680Used to catch all the harlots and jail 'em.
681 But instead of a fine
682 He would stand them in line,
683With his common-law tool to impale 'em.
685A limerick packs laughs anatomical
686Into space that is quite economical.
687 But the good ones I've seen
688 So seldom are clean,
689And the clean ones so seldom are comical.
691A linguist thought it a farce
692That memory space was so sparse.
693 One day they increased it.
694 Said he as he seized it:
695"At last! Enough core for the parse".
697A lonely young lad of Eton
698Used always to sleep with the heat on,
699 Till he ran into a lass
700 Who showed him her ass --
701Now they sleep with only a sheet on.
703A lovely young diver named Nancy,
704Wore a bikini bottom quite chancy,
705 The fish of Bonaire,
706 Watched her Derriere,
707And the sea fans all tickled her fancy.
709A lovely young maid from St. Jude
710Once rode through the streets in the nude.
711 The police cried, "Whatam--
712 Agnificent bottom"
713And slapped it as hard as they could.
715A lovely young maid from St. Jude
716Once rode through the streets in the nude.
717 The police cried, "Whatam--
718 Agnificent bottom"
719And slapped it as hard as they cude.
721A lusty young maid from Seattle
722Got pleasure by sleeping with cattle;
723 Till she found a bull
724 Who filled her so full
725It made both her ovaries rattle.
727A lusty young woodsman of Maine
728For years with no woman had lain,
729 But he found sublimation
730 At a high elevation
731In the crotch of a pine -- God, the pain!
733A madam who ran a bordello
734Put come in her pineapple jello,
735 For the rich, sexy taste
736 And not wanting to waste
737That greasy kid stuff from a fellow.
739A maestro directing in Rome
740Had a quaint way of driving it home.
741 Whoever he climbed
742 Had to keep her tail timed
743To the beat of his old metronome.
745A maiden who lived in Virginny
746Had a cunt that could bark, neigh and whinny.
747 The horsey set rushed her,
748 But success finally crushed her
749For her tone soon became harsh and tinny.
751A maiden who travelled in France
752Once got on a train, just by chance.
753 The engineer fucked her,
754 The conductor sucked her,
755And the fireman came in his pants.
757A maiden who wrote of big cities
758Some songs full of love, fun and pities,
759 Sold her stuff at the shop
760 Of a musical wop
761Who played with her soft little titties.
763A man was once heard to boast,
764That he received a parcel by post,
765 It contained, so we heard,
766 A magnificent turd,
767And the balls of his grandfather's ghost.
769A marine being sent to Hong Kong
770Got a doctor to alter his dong.
771 He sailed off with a tool
772 Flat and thin as a rule -
773When he got there he found he was wrong.
775A mathematician named Hall
776Had a hexhedronical ball,
777 And the square of its weight
778 Times his pecker's, plus eight,
779Was four-fifths of five-eighths of fuck-all.
781A mathematician named Hall
782Has a hexahedronical ball,
783 And the cube of its weight
784 Times his pecker's, plus eight
785Is his phone number -- give him a call...
787A mathematician named Klein
788Thought the Mobius band was divine.
789 Said he, "If you glue
790 The edges of two,
791You'll get a weird bottle like mine!
793A middle-aged codger named Bruin
794Found his love life completely in ruin,
795 For he flirted with flirts
796 Wearing pants and no skirts,
797And he never got in for no screwin'.
799A milkmaid there was, with a stutter,
800Who was lonely and wanted a futter.
801 She had nowhere to turn,
802 So she diddled a churn,
803And managed to come with the butter.
805A mortician who practised in Fife
806Made love to the corpse of his wife.
807 "How could I know, Judge?
808 She was cold, did not budge--
809Just the same as she'd acted in life."
811A nasty old drunk in Carmel
812Thinks it funny to piss in the well.
813 He says, "Some don't favor
814 That unusual flavor,
815But I don't drink the stuff -- what the hell!"
817A nervous young fellow named Fred
818Took a charming young widow to bed.
819 When he'd diddled a while
820 She remarked with a smile,
821"You've got it all in but the head."
823A new dramatist of the absurd
824Has a voice that will shortly be heard.
825 I learn from my spies
826 He's about to devise
827An unprintable three-letter word.
829A newlywed couple from Goshen
830Spent their honeymoon sailing the ocean.
831 In twenty-eight days
832 They got laid eighty ways --
833Imagine such fucking devotion!
835A newly-wed man of Peru
836Found himself in a terrible stew:
837 His wife was in bed
838 Much deader than dead,
839And so he had no one to screw.
841A notorious whore named Ms. Hearst,
842In the pleasures of men was well-versed.
843 Reads the sign o'er the head
844 Of her well-rumpled bed
845"The customer always comes first."
847A novice was told by the Abbot:
848"Consider the goat and the rabbit.
849 While they roll in the hay
850 You just stay home and pray.
851You've got to get out of that habit."
853A nudist resort at Benares
854Took a midget in all unawares.
855 But he made members weep
856 For he just couldn't keep
857His nose out of private affairs.
859A nurse motivated by spite
860Tied her infantine charge to a kite;
861 She launched it with ease
862 On the afternoon breeze,
863And watched till it flew out of sight.
864 -- Edward Gorey
866A pansy who lived in Khartoum
867Took a lesbian up to his room.
868 They argued all night
869 Over who had the right
870To do what, with which, and to whom.
872A passionate red-haired girl
873When you kissed her, her senses would whirl,
874 And her twat would get wet,
875 And would wiggle and fret,
876And her cunt-lips would curl and unfurl.
878A pathetic old maid of Bordeaux
879Fell in love with a dashing young beau.
880 To arrest his regard
881 She would squat in his yard
882And longingly pee in the sneaux.
884A petulant man once said, "Pish,
885Your cunt is as big as a dish."
886 She replied, "Why, you fool,
887 With your limp little tool,
888It's like driving a pin with a fish."
890A physical fellow named Fisk
891Could screw at a rate very brisk.
892 So fast was his action
893 The Fitzgerald contraction
894Would shrink up his rod to a disk.
896A pious old woman named Tweak
897Had taught her vagina to speak.
898 It was frequently liable
899 To quote from the Bible,
900But when fucking -- not even a squeak!
902A pious young lady named Finnegan
903Would caution her friend, "Well, you're in again;
904 So time it aright,
905 Make it last through the night,
906For I certainly don't want to sin again!"
908A pious young lady of Chichester
909Made all of the saints in their niches stir
910 And each morning at matin
911 Her breast in pink satin
912Made the bishop of Chichester's breeches stir.
914A playful young chemist named Byrd
915Had an urge that could not be deferred.
916 So to irritate Knox
917 He shit in his sox,
918And plastered the walls with his turd.
920A plumber whose name was John Brink
921Plumbed the cook as she bent o'er the sink.
922 Her resistance was stout,
923 And John Brink petered out,
924With his pipe-wrench all limber and pink.
926A potter who lived in Bombay
927Once fashioned a cunt out of clay;
928 But the heat of his prick
929 Kilned the damn thing to brick
930And chafed all his foreskin away.
932A pretty wife living in Tours
933Demanded her daily amour.
934 But the husband said, "No!
935 It's to much. Let it go!
936My backsides are dragging the floor."
938A pretty young boy known as Kevin
939Was raped in a pasture by seven
940 Lascivious beasts
941 (Oh, those Anglican priests)
942And such is the Kingdom of Heaven.
944A pretty young lady named Vogel
945Once sat herself down on a molehill.
946 A curious mole
947 Nosed into her hole --
948Ms. Vogel's ok, but the mole's ill.
950A pretty young lady named Vogel
951Once sat herself down on a molehill.
952 A curious mole
953 Nosed into her hole --
954Ms. Vogel's okay, but the mole's ill.
956A pretty young lady named Vogel
957Once sat herself down on a molehill.
958 A curious mole
959 Nosed into her hole-
960Ms. Vogel's ok, but the mole's ill.
962A pretty young lady named Vogel
963Once sat herself down on a molehill.
964 A curious mole
965 Nosed into her hole --
966Ms. Vogel's okay, but the mole's ill.
968A pretty young maiden from France
969Decided she'd "just take a chance."
970 She let herself go
971 For an hour or so,
972And now all her sisters are aunts.
974A princess who lived near a bog
975Met a prince in the form of a frog.
976 Now she and her prince
977 Are the parents of quints,
978Four boys and one fine polliwog.
980A princess who reigned in Baroda
981Made her home on a purple pagoda.
982 She festooned the walls
983 Of her halls with the balls
984And the tools of the fools who be-stroda'.
986A programmer down in Moline
987Said, I'm the match for any machine.
988 My secret's aversion,
989 To loops and recursion,
990Just acres of in-line routine.
991 -- W.J. Wilson
993A progressive professor named Winners
994Held classes each evening for sinners.
995 They were graded and spaced
996 So the vile and debased
997Would not be held back by beginners.
999A rapist who reeked of cheap booze
1000Attempted to ravish Miss Hughes.
1001 She cried, "I suppose
1002 There's no time for my clothes,
1003But PLEASE let me take off my shoes!"
1005A rapturous young fellatrix
1006One day was at work on five pricks.
1007 With an unholy cry
1008 She whipped out her glass eye:
1009"Tell the boys I can now take on six."
1011A reckless young lady of France
1012Had no qualms about taking a chance,
1013 But she thought it was crude
1014 To get screwed in the nude,
1015So she always went home with damp pants.
1017A remarkable race are the Persians;
1018They have such peculiar diversions.
1019 They make love the whole day
1020 In the usual way
1021And save up the nights for perversions.
1023A remarkable race are the Persians,
1024They have such peculiar diversions.
1025 They screw the whole day
1026 In the regular way,
1027And save up the nights for perversions.
1029A responsive young girl from the East
1030In bed was an able artiste.
1031 She had learned two positions
1032 From family physicians,
1033And ten more from the old parish priest.
1035A romantic attraction has clung
1036To a chap of whom damsels have sung:
1037 "'Tis the Scourge from the East,
1038 That lascivious beast
1039Who was known as Attila the Hung!"
1041A sailor who slept in the sun,
1042Woke to find his fly buttons undone,
1043 He remarked with a smile,
1044 "Good grief, a sun-dial!
1045And now it's a quarter-past one."
1047A savvy young hooker named Gail
1048Got busted and lodged in the jail.
1049 But the jailer got hot,
1050 To be lodged in her twat,
1051And so Gail made the bail with her tail.
1053A scandal involving an oyster
1054Sent the Countess of Clews to a cloister
1055 She preferred it, in bed,
1056 To the count (so she said)
1057'Cause it's longer and stronger and moister.
1059A scream from the crypt of St. Giles
1060Resounded for miles upon miles.
1061 Said the friar, "Good gracious,
1062 The brother Ignatious
1063Forgeteth the abbot hath piles."
1065A seafaring hacker named Slatey
1066Went to bed with a VAX/780.
1067 The thing's learned to swear
1068 With a nautical air,
1069And refers to its users as "matey".
1071A sex-loving coed named Bree
1072Caught the clap from her Apple IIE.
1073 The joystick, she found,
1074 Had been fooling around
1075With a neighboring student's PC.
1077A silly young man from Hong Kong
1078Had hands that were skinny and long.
1079 He ate rice with his fingers--
1080 The taste of it lingers,
1081But now all his fingers are gone.
1083A slick talking pirate named Bruce
1084To steal code, had a plan to seduce
1085 An Apple II+.
1086 Now Bruce wears a truss
1087And was jailed for computer abuse.
1089A software technician from Digital
1090Had hardware extremely prodigical.
1091 It's rumoured, I hear,
1092 That when he was near
1093He made the ladies all flustered and fidgital.
1095A space shuttle pilot named Ventry,
1096Made love to a lovely girl sentry.
1097 She started to pout,
1098 Because it fell out,
1099But the mission was saved by re-entry.
1101A sperm faced, alack and forsooth,
1102His moment of sexual truth.
1103 He'd expected to fall
1104 On a womb's spongy wall
1105But was dashed to his death on a tooth.
1107A spinster in Kalamazoo
1108Once strolled after dark by the zoo.
1109 She was seized by the nape,
1110 And fucked by an ape,
1111And she murmured, "A wonderful screw."
1113And she added, "You're rough, yes, and hairy,
1114But I hope -- yes I do -- that I marry
1115 A man with a prick
1116 Half as stiff and as thick
1117As the kind that you zoo-keepers carry."
1119A spunky young schoolboy named Fred
1120Used totoss off each night while in bed.
1121 Said his mother, "Dear lad,
1122 That's exceedingly bad--
1123Jump in here with your mamma instead."
1125A starship commander named Kirk
1126Emerged from his cabin berserk.
1127 He grabbed a girl yeoman
1128 Beneath the abdomen,
1129And gave her a physical jerk.
1131A stout Gaelic warrior, McPherson,
1132Was having a captive, a person
1133 Who was not averse
1134 Though she had the curse,
1135And he'd breeches of bristling furs on.
1137A structured programmer named Drew
1138Was intensely turned on by "goto".
1139 When he saw it in code
1140 He'd shoot off his load.
1141It's a good thing his shop used so few.
1143A studious professor named Nestor
1144Bet a whore all his books that he could best her.
1145 But she drained out his balls
1146 And skipped up the walls,
1147Beseeching poor Nestor to rest her.
1149A sweetheart named Teresa Arden
1150Went down on her beau in the garden.
1151 He said, "Good lord, Tess,
1152 Don't swallow that mess "
1153And she replied, "Ulp, beg your pardon?"
1155A sweetheart named Teresa Arden
1156Went down on her beau in the garden.
1157 He said, "Good lord, Tess,
1158 Don't swallow that mess!"
1159And she replied, "Ulp, beg your pardon?"
1161A systems programmer named Sprotic
1162Found his software intensely erotic.
1163 In jealous distress
1164 He wiped his OS.
1165It's possible that he's psychotic.
1167A talented fuckstress, Miss Chisholm,
1168Was renowned for her fine paroxysm.
1169 While the man detumesced
1170 She still spent on with zest,
1171Her rapture sheer anachronism.
1173A talented girl from Detroit
1174Could fuck you in ways quite adroit.
1175 She could squeeze her vagina
1176 To a pin-point or finer
1177Or open it out like a quoit.
1179A team playing baseball in Dallas
1180Called te umpire blind out of malice.
1181 While this worthy had fits
1182 The team made eight hits
1183And a girl in the bleachers named Alice.
1185A team playing baseball in Dallas
1186Called the umpire blind out of malice.
1187 While this worthy had fits
1188 The team made eight hits
1189And a girl in the bleachers named Alice.
1191A teenage protester named Lil
1192Cried, "Those watergate spies make me ill
1193 First they bugged our martinis,
1194 Our bras and bikinis,
1195And now they are bugging the pill."
1197A thrice-married gal from L.A.
1198Said, "My hymen's intact to this day,
1199 'Cause my first (a shrink) talked of it,
1200 The voyeur only gawked at it,
1201And my most recent man's a gourmet."
1203A tidy young lady of Streator
1204Dearly loved to nibble a peter.
1205 She always would say,
1206 "I prefer it this way.
1207I think it is very much neater."
1209A timid young woman named Jane
1210Found parties a terrible strain;
1211 With movements uncertain
1212 She'd hide in a curtain
1213And make sounds like a rabbit in pain.
1214 -- Edward Gorey
1216A tired young trollop of Nome
1217Was worn out from her toes to her dome.
1218 Eight miners came screwing,
1219 But she said, "Nothing doing;
1220One of you has to go home!"
1222A trapper named Francois Lefebrve
1223Once captured and buggered a beabrve.
1224 The result of this fuck
1225 Was a three titted duck,
1226A canoe, and an Irish retriebrve.
1228A tutor who tooted a flute
1229Tried to tutor two tutors to toot
1230 Said the two to the tutor:
1231 "Is it harder to toot or
1232To tutor two tutors to toot"
1234A vengeful technician named Schmitz
1235Caused a disk drive to go on the fritz.
1236 He covered the platter
1237 With bats' fecal matter.
1238Now it's seek time is really the pits.
1240A very intelligent turtle
1241Found programming UNIX a hurdle
1242 The system, you see,
1243 Ran as slow as did he,
1244And that's not saying much for the turtle.
1246A very odd pair are the Pitts:
1247His balls are as large as her tits,
1248 Her tits are as large
1249 As an invasion barge--
1250Neither knows how the other cohabits.
1252A wanton young lady from Wimley
1253Reproached for not acting quite primly
1254 Said, "Heavens above!
1255 I know sex isn't love,
1256But it's such an entrancing facsimile."
1258A water pipe suited miss Hunt;
1259She used it for many a bunt.
1260 But the unlucky wench
1261 Got it caught in her trench ---
1262It took twenty-two men and a big Stillson wrench,
1263To get the thing out of her cunt.
1265A water pipe suited miss Hunt;
1266She used it for many a bunt.
1267 But the unlucky wench
1268 Got it caught in her trench ---
1269It took twenty-two men and a big Stillson wrench,
1270To get the thing out of her cunt.
1272A weary old lecher named Blott
1273Took a luscious young blond to his yacht.
1274 Too lazy to rape her,
1275 He made darts out of paper,
1276Which he leisurely tossed at her twat.
1278A whimsical fellow named Bloch
1279Could beat the base drum with his cock.
1280 With a special erection
1281 He could play a selection
1282From Johann Sebastian Bach.
1284A wicked stone cutter named Cary
1285Drilled holes in divine statuary.
1286 With eyes full of malice
1287 He pulled out his phallus,
1288And buggered a stone Virgin Mary.
1290A wide-bottomed girl named Trasket
1291Had a hole as big as a basket.
1292 A spot, as a bride,
1293 In it now, you could hide,
1294And include with your luggage your mascot.
1296A widow whose singular vice
1297Was to keep her late husband on ice
1298 Said, "It's been hard since I lost him --
1299 I'll never defrost him!
1300Cold comfort, but cheap at the price."
1302A wonderful bird is the pelican.
1303His mouth can hold more than his belican.
1304 He can take in his beak
1305 Enough food for a week.
1306And I'm darned if I know how the helican.
1308A wonderful bird is the pelican.
1309His mouth can hold more than his belican.
1310 He can take in his beak
1311 Enough food for a week.
1312I'm darned if I know how the helican.
1314A wonderful tribe are the Sweenies,
1315Renowned for the length of their peenies.
1316 The hair on their balls
1317 Sweeps the floors of their halls,
1318But they don't look at women, the meanies.
1320A wood-fetish busboy named Gable
1321Is rapid, is thorough, is able;
1322 But when everything's cleared,
1323 He gives way to the weird,
1324As he lovingly busses each table.
1326A worn-out young husband named Lehr
1327Her daily his wife's plaintive prayer:
1328 "Slip on a sheath, quick,
1329 Then slip your big dick
1330Between these lips covered with hair."
1332A worried young man from Stamboul
1333Discovered red spots on his tool.
1334 Said the doctor, a cynic,
1335 "Get out of my clinic
1336Just wipe off the lipstick, you fool."
1338A worried young man from Stamboul
1339Founds lots of red spots on his tool.
1340 Said the doctor, a cynic,
1341 "Get out of my clinic;
1342Just wipe off the lipstick, you fool!"
1344A young bride and groom of Australia
1345Remarked as they joined genitalia :
1346 "Though the system seems odd,
1347 We are thankful that God
1348Developed the genus Mammalia."
1350A young fellow discovered through Freud
1351That although of penis devoid,
1352 He could practice coitus
1353 By eating a foetus,
1354And his parents were quite overjoyed.
1356A young Juliet of St. Louis
1357On a balcony stood acting screwy.
1358 Her Romeo climbed,
1359 But he wasn't well timed,
1360And half-way up, off he went -- blooey!
1362A young lad named Lester McGraw
1363Caught a stranger on top of his Maw.
1364 As he watched him stick her
1365 He said, with a snicker,
1366"You do it much faster than Paw."
1368A young lady sat by the sea,
1369Just as proper as proper could be.
1370 A young fellow goosed her,
1371 And roughly seduced her,
1372So she thanked him and went home to tea.
1374A young lady who lived by the Usk
1375Subsisted each day on a rusk;
1376 She ate the first bite
1377 Before it was light,
1378And the last crumb sometime after dusk.
1379 -- Edward Gorey
1381A young lass got married at Chester;
1382Her mother she kissed and she blessed her.
1383 Said she, "You're in luck --
1384 'E's a stunning good fuck,
1385For I've 'ad 'im meself down in Leicester."
1387A young maiden from France was no prude,
1388She decided to dive in the nude,
1389 But her buddy, behind,
1390 Went out of his mind,
1391When he noticed where she was tatooed.
1393A young man by a girl was desired
1394To give her the thrills she required,
1395 But he died of old age
1396 Ere his cock could assuage
1397The volcanic desire it inspired.
1399A young man from the banks of the Po
1400Found his cock had elongated so,
1401 That when he'd pee
1402 It was never he
1403But only his neighbors who'd know.
1405A young man grew increasingly peaky
1406In a house where the hinges were squeaky,
1407 The ferns curled up brown,
1408 The ceilings flaked down,
1409And all of the faucets were leaky.
1410 -- Edward Gorey
1412A young man maintained that his trigger
1413Was so big that there weren't any bigger.
1414 But this long and thick pud
1415 Was so heavy it could
1416Scarcely lift up its head. It lacked vigor.
1418A young man of acumen and daring,
1419Who'd amassed a great fortune in herring,
1420 Was left quite alone
1421 When it soon became known
1422That their use at his board was unsparing.
1423 -- Edward Gorey
1425A young man of Llanfairpwllgwyngyll
1426While bent over plucking a dingle
1427 Had the whole of Eisteddfod
1428 Taking turns at his pod
1429While they sang some impossible jingle.
1431A young man with passions quite gingery
1432Tore a hole in his sister's best lingerie.
1433 He slapped her behind
1434 And made up his mind
1435To add incest to insult and injury.
1437A young polo-player of Berkeley
1438Made love to his sweetheart beserkly.
1439 In the midst of each chukker
1440 He would break off and fuck her
1441Horizontally, laterally and verkeley.
1443A young systems programmer of Sprotic
1444Found his software intensely erotic.
1445 In jealous distress
1446 He wiped his OS.
1447It's possible that he's a psychotic.
1449A young violinist from Rio
1450Was seducing a woman named Cleo.
1451 As she took down her panties
1452 She said, "No andantes;
1453I want this allegro con brio!"
1455A young wife in the outskirts of Reims
1456Preferred frigging to going to mass.
1457 Said her husband, "Take Jacques,
1458 Or any young cock,
1459For I cannot live up to your ass."
1461A young woman got married at Chester,
1462Her mother she kissed her and blessed her.
1463 Says she, "You're in luck,
1464 He's a stunning good fuck,
1465For I've had him myself down in Leicester."
1467According to experts, the oyster
1468In its shell - a crustacean cloister -
1469 May frequently be
1470 Either he or a she
1471Or both, if it should be its choice ter.
1473Alas for the Countess d'Isere,
1474Whose muff wasn't furnished with hair.
1475 Said the Count, "Quelle surprise!"
1476 When he parted her thighs;
1477"Magnifique! Pourtant pas de la guerre."
1479All the female apes ran from King Kong
1480For his dong was unspeakably long.
1481 But a friendly giraffe
1482 Quaffed his yard and a half,
1483And ecstatically burst into song.
1485An aesthete from South Carolina
1486Had a cock that tickled like China,
1487 But while shooting his load
1488 It cracked like old Spode,
1489So he's bought him a Steuben vagina.
1491An agreeable girl named Miss Doves
1492Likes to jack off the young men she loves.
1493 She will use her bare fist
1494 If the fellows insist
1495But she really prefers to wear gloves.
1497An AI researcher named Bluth
1498Wrote, to find out the sexual truth,
1499 Eroticon VI,
1500 Which he taught certain tricks
1501Which I'm sure can't be found in Knuth.
1503An amazon giantess named Dunne
1504Let a midget screw her for fun.
1505 But the poor little runt
1506 Was engulfed in her cunt
1507And re-born as the twin of his son.
1509An ambitious lady named Harriet
1510Once dreamed she was raped in a chariot
1511 By seventeen sailors
1512 A monk and three tailors,
1513Mohammed and Judas Iscariot.
1515An anonymous woman we knew
1516Was dozing one day in her pew;
1517 When the preacher yelled "Sin!"
1518 She said, "Count me in
1519As soon as the service is through."
1521An architect fellow named Yoric
1522Could, when feeling euphoric,
1523 Display for selection
1524 Three kinds of erection-
1525Corinthian, ionic, and doric.
1527An architect fellow named Yoric
1528Could, when feeling euphoric,
1529 Display for selection
1530 Three kinds of erection-
1531Corinthian,ionic,and doric.
1533An ardent young man named Magruder
1534Once wooed a girl nude in Bermuda.
1535 She thought it quite lewd
1536 To be wooed in the nude,
1537But magruder was shrewder, he screwed her.
1539An Argentine gaucho named Bruno
1540Who said, "Fucking is one thing I do know.
1541 Women are fine
1542 And sheep are divine
1543But llamas are numero uno."
1545An ARPAnaut name of Corvette
1546Had a fetish involving the net.
1547 As he fondled his IMP
1548 His cock went from limp
1549To as hard as concrete which has set.
1551An arrogant wench from Salt Lake
1552Liked to tease all the boys on the make.
1553 She was finally the prize
1554 Of a man twice her size
1555And all she recalls is the ache.
1557An artist who lived in Australia
1558Once painted his ass like a Dahlia.
1559 The drawing was fine,
1560 The colour - devine,
1561The scent - ah, that was a failia.
1563An artist who lived in Australia
1564Once painted his ass like a Dahlia.
1565 The drawing was fine,
1566 The colour - divine,
1567The scent - ah, that was a failia.
1569An eager young hacker named Gus
1570Once buggered a VAX Unibus.
1571 The hardware went bad,
1572 But not the young lad
1573(Except for the toupee and truss).
1575An eager young hacker named Gus
1576Once buggered a VAX Unibus.
1577 The hardware went bad,
1578 But not the young lad
1579He didn't expect all that fuss!
1581An Edwardian father named Udgeon,
1582Whose offspring provoked him to dudgeon,
1583 Used on Saturday nights
1584 To turn down the lights,
1585And chase them around with a bludgeon.
1586 -- Edward Gorey
1588An envious girl named McMeanus
1589Was jealous of her lover's big penis.
1590 It was small consolation
1591 That the rest of the nation
1592Of women were with her in weeness.
1594An exotic young lady named Suki
1595Once danced in a troupe of kabuki
1596 When asked for a fuck
1597 She said, "Solly, no luck--
1598See here: looky looky, no nuki "
1600An impish young fellow named James
1601Had a passion for idiot games.
1602 He lighted the hair
1603 Of his lady's affair
1604And laughed as she pissed through the flames.
1606An impotent Scot named MacDougall
1607Had to husband his sperm and be frugal.
1608 He was gathering semen
1609 To gender a he-man,
1610By screwing his wife through a bugle.
1612An incautious young woman named Venn
1613Was seen with the wrong sort of men;
1614 She vanished one day,
1615 But the following May
1616Her legs were retrieved from a fen.
1617 -- Edward Gorey
1619An indefatigable woman named Bavel
1620Had often occasion to travel;
1621 On the way she would sit
1622 And furiously knit,
1623And on the way back she'd unravel.
1624 -- Edward Gorey
1626An ingenious young man in South Bend
1627Made a synthetic ass for a friend,
1628 But the friend shortly found
1629 Its construction unsound,
1630It was simply a bother -- no end.
1632An innocent maiden named Herridge
1633Was cruelly tricked ito marriage;
1634 When she later found out
1635 What her spouse was about,
1636She threw herself under a carriage.
1637 -- Edward Gorey
1639An inquisitive virgin named Dora
1640Asked the man who started to bore 'er :
1641 "Do you mean birds and bees
1642 Go through antics like these,
1643To suppy us our fauna and flora?"
1645An irate young lady named Booker
1646Told her husband, "You beast, I'm no hooker!
1647 If you want it queer ways,
1648 Go to whores for your lays!"
1649So he packed up his tool and forsook 'er.
1651An octagenerian Jew
1652To his wife remained steadfastly true.
1653 This was not from compunction,
1654 But due to dysfunction
1655Of his spermatic glands -- nuts to you.
1657An old couple just at Shrovetide
1658Were having a piece -- when he died.
1659 The wife for a week
1660 Sat tight on his peak,
1661And bounced up and down as she cried.
1663An old electronic designer
1664Had designs on a minor named Dinah.
1665 He couldn't carry them out
1666 For his prick was too stout,
1667And too small was the minor's vagina.
1669An old gentleman's crotchets and quibblings
1670Were a terrible trial to his siblings,
1671 But he was not removed
1672 Till one day it was proved
1673That the bell-ropes were damp with his dribblings.
1674 -- Edward Gorey
1676An old maid who had a pet ape
1677Lived in fear of perpetual rape.
1678 His red, hairy phallus
1679 So filled her with malice
1680That she sealed up her snatch with Scotch tape.
1682An old man at the Folies Bergere
1683Had a jock, a most wondrous affair:
1684 It snipped off a twat-curl
1685 From each new chorus girl,
1686And he had a wig made of the hair.
1688An organist playing in York
1689Had a prick that could hold a small fork,
1690 And between obbligatos
1691 He'd munch at tomatoes,
1692To keep up his strength while at work.
1694An orgasmic young sex star named Sue
1695Was a hit as she writhed to a screw.
1696 Her climatic fame spread
1697 With an ad blitz that said:
1698Coming soon at a theater near you!
1700An uptight young lady named Breerley
1701Who valued her morals too dearly
1702 Had sex, so I hear,
1703 Only once every year,
1704And she strained her vagina severely.
1706And earnest young woman in Thrace
1707Said, "Darling, that's not the right place!"
1708 So he gave her a thwack,
1709 And did on her back,
1710What he couldn't have done face to face.
1712And then there's the story that's fraught
1713With disaster -- of balls that got caught,
1714 When a chap took a crap
1715 In the woods, and a trap
1716Underneath... Oh, I can't bear the thought!
1718As for weirdness, the guy who's the tops
1719Is a kinky old butcher named Pops.
1720 Since he thinks it's effete
1721 To be beating his meat,
1722What he's into is licking his chops.
1724As he came in his chubby choirboy,
1725Father Burke said, "There's no greater joy!
1726 If no sodomy levens
1727 And possible heavens,
1728Existence will merely annoy."
1730As the breeches-buoy swing towards the rocks,
1731Its occupant cried, "Save my socks!
1732 I could not bear the loss,
1733 For with scarlet silk floss
1734My mama has embroidered their clocks."
1735 -- Edward Gorey
1737As tourists inspected the apse
1738An ominous series of raps
1739 Came from under the altar,
1740 Which caused some to falter
1741And others to shriek and collapse.
1742 -- Edward Gorey
1744Asked a supplicant priest of the pontiff,
1745"Do I sin if I do what I want, if
1746 I screw a young nun
1747 In the eastertide sun?"
1748His holiness murmured, "Gut yontiff."
1750At a contest for farting in Butte
1751One lady's exertion was cute :
1752 It won the diploma
1753 For fetid aroma,
1754And three judges were felled by the brute.
1756At a dance, a girl from Connecticut
1757Showed an absolute absence of etiquette
1758 Letting all comers press
1759 Through the skirt of her dress
1760And wiping the mess with her petticoat.
1762At the end of all civilization
1763Is the planet Terminus's location.
1764 There's a girl there whose feat,
1765 Without stone or concrete,
1766Nonetheless, was to lay the Foundation.
1768At the moment Japan declared war
1769A sailor was fucking a whore.
1770 He said, "After this poke
1771 `Long and hard' ain't no joke;
1772This means months 'til I get back ashore."
1774At the Villa Nemetia the sleepers
1775Are disturbed by a phantom in weepers;
1776 It beats all night long
1777 A dirge on a gong
1778As it staggers about in the creepers.
1779 -- Edward Gorey
1781At Vassar, sex isn't injurious,
1782Though of love we are never penurious.
1783 Thanks to vulcanized aids,
1784 Though we may die old maids,
1785At least we shall never die curious.
1787At whist drives and strawberry teas
1788Fan would giggle and show off her knees;
1789 But when she was alone
1790 She'd drink eau de cologne,
1791And weep from a sense of unease.
1792 -- Edward Gorey
1794Augustus, for slpashing his soup,
1795Was put for the night on the stoop;
1796 In the morning he'd not
1797 Repented a jot,
1798And next day he was dead of the croup.
1799 -- Edward Gorey
1801Augustus, for splashing his soup,
1802Was put for the night on the stoop;
1803 In the morning he'd not
1804 Repented a jot,
1805And next day he was dead of the croup.
1806 -- Edward Gorey
1808Back in the days of old Adam
1809The grass served as mattress for madam,
1810 And they spent the whole day
1811 On the sex that today
1812They would bounce on box springs, if they had 'em.
1814Each Friday his engines abort,
1815But Scotty is never caught short.
1816 He fills his machines
1817 With space-navy beans,
1818And farts the ship back into port.
1820Each night Father fills me with dread
1821When he sits on the foot of my bed;
1822 I'd not mind that he speaks
1823 In gibbers and squeaks,
1824But for the seventeen years he's been dead.
1825 -- Edward Gorey
1827Each night Father fills me with dread
1828When he sits on the foot ofmy bed;
1829 I'd not mind that he speaks
1830 In gibbers and squeaks,
1831But for the seventeen years he's been dead.
1832 -- Edward Gorey
1834From deep in the crypt at St. Giles
1835Came a bellow that echoed for miles.
1836 Said the rector, "My gracious,
1837 Has Father Ignatius
1838Forgotten the Bishop has piles!?"
1840From Number Nine, Penwiper Mews,
1841There is really abominable news;
1842 They've discovered a head
1843 In the box for the bread,
1844But nobody seems to know whose.
1845 -- Edward Gorey
1847From the bathing machine came a din
1848As of jollification within;
1849 It was heard far and wide,
1850 And the incoming tide
1851Had a definite flavour of gin.
1852 -- Edward Gorey
1854"Fucked by the finger of Fate!"
1855Bewailed a young fellow named Tate.
1856 "Since dating Miss Baugh,
1857 My whole tongue has been raw--
1858It must have been something I ate."
1860In the case of a lady named Frost,
1861Whose cunt's a good two feet acrost,
1862 It's the best part of valor
1863 To bugger the gal, or
1864You're apt to fall in and get lost.
1866In the Garden of Eden lay Adam,
1867Complacently stroking his madam,
1868 And loud was his mirth
1869 For on all of the earth
1870There were only two balls -- and he had 'em.
1872In the garden of Eden lay Adam,
1873Complacently stroking his madam
1874 And loud was his mirth
1875 For on all of the earth
1876There were only two balls and he had'em.
1878In the little French town of Le'Beau,
1879Lived a maiden exceedingly droll.
1880 At a masquerade ball,
1881 Clad in nothing at all,
1882She backed in as a Parker house roll.
1884It always delights me at Hank's
1885To walk up the old river banks.
1886 One time in the grass
1887 I stepped on an ass,
1888And heard a young girl murmur, "Thanks."
1890It had snowed, and the man in the drift,
1891Flagged her down and asked, "Give me a lift?"
1892 They sat in her Bentley,
1893 She fondled him gently,
1894And the lift that he'd asked for was swift!
1896The late Brigham Young was no neuter --
1897No faggot, no fairy, no fruiter.
1898 Where ten thousand virgins
1899 Succumbed to his urgin's
1900There now stands the great State of Utah.
1902The latest reports from Good Hope
1903State that apes there have pricks thick as rope,
1904 And fuck high, wide, and free,
1905 From the top of one tree
1906To the top of the next -- what a scope!
1908The limerick, a verse form iniquitous,
1909Has nonetheless been ubiquitous.
1910 Once Congress in session,
1911 Declared its suppression,
1912But people got around that by writing the last line with no rhyme or meter.
1914The limerick is furtive and mean;
1915You must keep her in close quarantine,
1916 Or she sneaks to the slums
1917 And promptly becomes
1918Disorderly, drunk, and obscene.
1919 -- Morris Bishop
1921The limerick is furtive and mean;
1922You must keep her in close quarantine,
1923 Or she sneaks to the slums
1924 And promptly becomes
1925Disorderly, drunk, and obscene.
1926 -- Morris Bishop
1928The old archeologist, Throstle,
1929Discovered a marvelous fossil.
1930 He knew from its bend
1931 And the knot on the end,
1932T'was the penis of Paul the Apostle.
1934There a young man from the Coast
1935Who had an affair with a ghost.
1936 At the height of orgasm
1937 Said the pallid phantasm,
1938"I think I can feel it -- almost!"
1940There once was a bishop from Birmingham
1941Who deflowered young girls while confirming 'em.
1942 As they knelt on the hassock
1943 He lifted his cassock
1944And slipped his episcopal worm in 'em.
1946There once was a boy named Carruthers
1947Who was busily fucking his mother
1948 "I know it's a sin,"
1949 He said, shoving it in,
1950"But it's better than blowing my brother."
1952There once was a chick named Longet,
1953Who went out to Aspen to play.
1954 Along came a Spyder,
1955 Who sat down beside her
1956And she blew the poor bastard away.
1958There once was a clergyman's daughter
1959Who detested the pony he bought her,
1960 Till she found that its dong
1961 Was as hard and as long
1962As the prayers her father had taught her.
1964She married a fellow named Tony
1965Who soon found her fucking the pony.
1966 Said he, "What's it got,
1967 My dear, that I've not?"
1968Sighed she, "Just a yard-long bologna."
1970There once was a couple named Kelley,
1971Who lived their life belly to belly.
1972 Because in their haste
1973 They used library paste,
1974Instead of petroleum jelly.
1976There once was a couple named Kelly
1977Who walked around belly-to-belly.
1978 It seems in their haste,
1979 They used Carter's paste
1980Instead of petroleum jelly.
1982There once was a dentist named Stone
1983Who saw all his patients alone.
1984 In a fit of depravity
1985 He filled the wrong cavity,
1986And my, how his practice has grown!
1988There once was a Duchess of Beever
1989Who slept with her golden retriever.
1990 Said the potted old Duke :
1991 "Such tricks make me puke!
1992Were it not for her money, I'd leave her."
1994There once was a Duchess of Bruges
1995Whose cunt was incredibly huge.
1996 Said the king to this dame
1997 As he thunderously came:
1998"Mon Dieu! Apres moi, le deluge!"
2000There once was a fag of Khartoom
2001Who spent the night in a Lesbians room.
2002 They argued all night,
2003 Over who had the right,
2004To do what, and with which, and to whom.
2006There once was a fairy named Avers
2007Who encircled his cock with lifesavers.
2008 Though buggers all claimed
2009 That their asses were maimed,
2010Sixy-niners all cheered the new flavors.
2012There once was a fellow named Bob
2013Who in sexual ways was a snob.
2014 One day he was swimmin'
2015 With twelve naked women
2016And deserted them all for a gob.
2018There once was a fellow named Brewster
2019Who said to his wife, as he goosed her,
2020 "It used to be grand
2021 But look at my hand
2022You're not wiping as clean as ya uster."
2024There once was a fellow named Howard,
2025Whose tool it was nuclear-powered,
2026 While grabbing some ass,
2027 He reached critical mass,
2028But think of the girl he deflowered!
2030There once was a fellow named Potts
2031Who was prone to having the trots
2032 But his humble abode
2033 Was without a commode
2034So his carpet was covered with spots.
2036There once was a fellow named Siegel
2037Who attempted to bugger a beagle,
2038 But the mettlesome bitch
2039 Turned and said with a twitch,
2040"It's fun, but you know it's illegal."
2042There once was a fellow named Sweeney
2043Who spilled gin all over his weenie.
2044 Not being uncouth,
2045 He added vermouth
2046And slipped his amour a martini.
2048There once was a fencer named Fisk,
2049Whose speed was incredibly brisk.
2050 So fast was his action,
2051 The Fitzgerald contraction,
2052Foreshortended his foil to a disk.
2054There once was a fiesty young terrier
2055Who liked to bite girls on the derriere.
2056 He'd yip and he'd yap,
2057 Then leap up and snap;
2058And the fairer the derriere the merrier.
2060There once was a floozie named Annie
2061Whose prices were cosy--but cannie:
2062 A buck for a fuck,
2063 Fifty cents for a suck,
2064And a dime for a feel of her fanny.
2066There once was a freshman named Lin,
2067Whose tool was as thin as a pin,
2068 A virgin named Joan
2069 From a bible belt home,
2070Said "This won't be much of a sin."
2072There once was a gangster named Brown
2073- the sneakiest bastard in town.
2074 He was caught by G-men
2075 Shooting his semen
2076Where the cops would slip and fall down.
2078There once was a gaucho named Bruno,
2079Who said, "About sex, well, I do know,
2080 Sheep are just fine,
2081 Chickens, divine,
2082But iguanas are Numero Uno."
2084There once was a gay young Parisian
2085Who screwed an appendix incision,
2086 And the girl of his choice
2087 Could hardly rejoice
2088At the horrible lack of precision.
2090There once was a girl from Cornell
2091Whose teats were shaped like a bell.
2092 When you touched them they shrunk,
2093 Except when she was drunk,
2094And then they got bigger than hell.
2096There once was a girl from Decatur,
2097Who got laid by a big alligator.
2098 Now nobody knew
2099 The result of that screw,
2100'Cause after he laid her, he ate her.
2102There once was a girl from Madras
2103Who had such a beautiful ass -
2104 It was not round and pink
2105 ( as you bastards think )
2106But had two ears, a tail, and ate grass.
2108There once was a girl from Madras
2109Who had such a beautiful ass -
2110 It was not round and pink
2111 (As you bastards think)
2112But had two ears, a tail, and ate grass.
2114There once was a girl from Spokane,
2115Went to bed with a one-legged man.
2116 She said, "I know you--
2117 You've really got two!
2118Why didn't you say so when we began?"
2120There once was a girl named Irene
2121Who lived on distilled kerosene
2122 But she started absorbin'
2123 A new hydrocarbon
2124And since then has never benzene.
2126There once was a girl named Louise
2127Who cunt hair hung down to her knees
2128 The crabs in her twat
2129 Tied the hairs in a knot
2130And constructed a flying trapeze
2132There once was a girl named Mcgoffin
2133Who was diddled amazingly often.
2134 She was rogered by scores
2135 Who'd been turned down by whores,
2136And was finally screwed in her coffin.
2138There once was a girl named Priscilla
2139Whose vagina was flavored vanilla.
2140 The taste was so fine
2141 Man and beast stood in line
2142(Including a stud armadilla).
2144There once was a girl so lovely,
2145Who wanted to make love in the bubbly,
2146 She strapped on her tanks,
2147 And started her pranks,
2148But the lobsters all thought she was ugly.
2150There once was a golfer named Leer,
2151Who got put in the clink for a year,
2152 For an action obscene,
2153 On the very first green.
2154Where the sign said "Enter course here."
2156There once was a gouty old colonel
2157Who grew glum when the weather grew vernal,
2158 And he cried in his tiffin
2159 For his prick wouldn't stiffen,
2160And the size of the thing was infernal.
2162There once was a guardsman from Buckingham
2163Who said, "As for girls, I hate fucking 'em.
2164 But when I meet boys,
2165 God! how I enjoys
2166Just licking their peckers and sucking 'em."
2168There once was a hacker named Ken
2169Who inherited truckloads of Yen.
2170 So he built him some chicks,
2171 Of silicon chips,
2172And hasn't been heard from since then.
2174There once was a handsome young seaman
2175Who with ladies was really a demon.
2176 In peace or in war,
2177 At sea or on shore,
2178He could certainly dish out the semen.
2180There once was a horny old bitch
2181With a motorized self-frigger which
2182 She would use with delight
2183 All day long and all night -
2184Twenty bucks: Abercrombie & Fitch.
2186There once was a horse named Lily
2187Whose dingus was really a dilly.
2188 It was vaginoid duply,
2189 And labial quadruply --
2190In fact, he was really a filly.
2192There once was a husky young Viking
2193Whose sexual prowess was striking.
2194 Every time he got hot
2195 He would scour the twat
2196Of some girl that might be to his liking.
2198There once was a jolly old bloke
2199Who picked up a girl for a poke.
2200 He took down her pants,
2201 Fucked her into a trance,
2202And then shit into her shoe for a joke.
2204There once was a kiddie named Carr
2205Caught a man on top of his mar.
2206 As he saw him stick 'er,
2207 He said with a snicker,
2208"You do it much faster than par."
2210There once was a lady from Exeter,
2211So pretty that men craned their necks at her.
2212 One was even so brave
2213 As to take out and wave
2214The distinguishing mark of his sex at her.
2216There once was a lady from Kansas
2217Whose cunt was as big as Bonanzas.
2218 It was nine inches deep
2219 And the sides were quite steep --
2220It had whiskers like General Carranza's.
2222There once was a lady named Carter,
2223Fell in love with a virile young Tartar.
2224 She stripped off his pants,
2225 At his prick quickly glanced,
2226And cried: "For that I'll be a martyr!"
2228There once was a lady named Clair,
2229Who posessed a magnificent pair.
2230 Or that's what I thought,
2231 Till I saw one get caught,
2232On a thorn and begin losing air.
2234There once was a lady named Myrtle
2235Who had an affair with a turtle.
2236 She had crabs, so they say,
2237 In a year and a day
2238Which proved that that turtle was fertile.
2240There once was a lawyer named Rex
2241With minuscule organs of sex.
2242 Arraigned for exposure,
2243 He maintained with composure,
2244"De minimis non curat lex."
2246 [Trans: the law does not concern itself with small things. Ed.]
2248There once was a lifeguard named Lee
2249Who rescued a girl from the sea
2250 She asked how to pay,
2251 And he said "Try this way,
2252Go down for the third time on me."
2254There once was a maid from Mobile
2255Whose cunt was made of blue steel.
2256 She only got thrills
2257 From pneumatic drills
2258And an off-centered emery wheel.
2260There once was a man from Bombay
2261He would do it all night and all day
2262 He soon became sore
2263 You shoulda' heard him roar
2264When his wife rubbed his balls with Ben-Gay!
2266There once was a man from Calcutta
2267Who used to beat off in the gutta
2268 The heat of the sun
2269 Affected his gun
2270And turned all his cream into butta!
2272There once was a man from Dunoon,
2273Who always ate soup with a fork.
2274 He said "When I eat
2275 Either fish, foul or flesh,
2276I otherwise finish too quick."
2278There once was a man from Exameter
2279Who had a prodigious diameter
2280 But it wasn't the size
2281 That brought forth the cries
2282'Twas his rythm, iambic pentameter.
2284There once was a man from Madras,
2285Whose balls were made out of brass.
2286 When they clanged together,
2287 They played "Stormy Weather",
2288And lightning shot out of his ass.
2290There once was a man from Nantee
2291Who buggered an ape in a tree.
2292 The results were most horrid
2293 All ass and no forehead
2294Three balls and a purple goatee.
2296There once was a man from Nantucket
2297Who kept all his cash in a bucket.
2298 His daughter, named Nan,
2299 Ran away with a man,
2300And as for the bucket, Nantucket.
2302The pair of them went to Manhasset,
2303(Nan and the man with the asset.)
2304 Pa followed them there,
2305 But they left in a tear,
2306And as for the asset, Manhasset.
2308Pa followed the pair to Pawtucket,
2309(Nan and the man with the bucket.)
2310 Pa said to the man,
2311 "You're welcome to Nan."
2312But as for the bucket, Pawtucket.
2314There once was a man from Nantucket,
2315Whose cock was so long he could suck it.
2316 He said with a grin,
2317 As he wiped off his chin,
2318If my ear were a cunt I could fuck it!
2320There once was a man from Nantucket
2321Whose dick was so long he could suck it.
2322 He said with a grin
2323 As he wiped off his chin,
2324"If my ear was a cunt, I could fuck it."
2326There once was a man from Racine,
2327Who invented a screwing machine.
2328 Both concave and convex,
2329 It could please either sex,
2330But, oh, what a bastard to clean!
2332There once was a man from Sandem
2333Who was making his girl on a tandem.
2334 At the peak of the make
2335 She jammed on the brake
2336And scattered his semen at random.
2338There once was a man from Sydney
2339Who could put it up to her kidney.
2340 But the man from Quebec
2341 Put it up to her neck;
2342He had a big one, now didn't he?
2344There once was a man named Lodge,
2345who had seatbelts installed in his Dodge.
2346 When his date was strapped in,
2347 He committed a sin,
2348without ever leaving the garage.
2350There once was a man named McGruder,
2351Who canoed with a girl in Bermuder.
2352 But the girl thought it crude,
2353 To be wooed in the nude,
2354So McGru took an oar and subduder.
2356There once was a man named McSweeny
2357Who spilled lots of gin on his weeney
2358 So just to be couth
2359 He added vermouth
2360And slipped his best girl a martini.
2362There once was a man named McSweeny
2363Who spilled some raw gin on his weeny.
2364 Just to be couth,
2365 He added vermouth,
2366And slipped his girlfriend a martini.
2368There once was a man named Parridge
2369With peculiar views on marriage.
2370 He sucked off his brother,
2371 Fucked his own mother,
2372And gobbled his sister's miscarriage.
2374There once was a man with a hernia
2375Who said to his doctor, "Gol dern ya,
2376 When you work on my middle
2377 Be sure you don't fiddle
2378With things that do not concern ya."
2380There once was a member of Mensa
2381Who was a most excellent fencer.
2382 The sword that he used
2383 Was his -- (line is refused,
2384And has now been removed by the censor).
2386There once was a miner named Dave,
2387Who kept a dead whore in his cave.
2388 She was ugly as shit,
2389 And missing one tit,
2390But think of the money he saves.
2392There once was a monk of Camyre
2393Who was seized with a carnal desire
2394 And the primary cause
2395 Was the abbess's drawers
2396Which were hung up to dry by the fire.
2398There once was a newspaper vendor,
2399A person of dubious gender.
2400 He would charge one-and-two
2401 For permission to view
2402His remarkable double pudenda.
2404There once was a plumber from Leigh
2405Who was plumbing his maid by the sea.
2406 Said she, "Please stop plumbing,
2407 I think someone's coming!"
2408Said he, "Yes, I know love, it's me."
2410There once was a pretty young Mrs.
2411Whose tearful but short story thrs.
2412 Her mind lost its grasp -
2413 Now she thinks she's an asp
2414And just sits in the corner and hrs.
2416There once was a queen of Bulgaria
2417Whose bush had grown hairier and hairier,
2418 Till a prince from Peru
2419 Who came up for a screw
2420Had to hunt for her cunt with a terrier.
2422There once was a reverend at Kings
2423Whose mind 'twas on heavenly things.
2424 But his heart was on fire
2425 For a boy in the choir
2426Whose buns were like jelly on springs.
2428There once was a sad Maitre d'hotel
2429Who said, "They can all go to hell!
2430 What they do to my wife --
2431 Why it ruins my life;
2432And the worst is they all do it well."
2434There once was a sailor named Gasted,
2435A swell guy, as long as he lasted,
2436 He could jerk himself off
2437 In a basket, aloft,
2438Or a breeches-buoy swung from the masthead.
2440There once was a Scot named McAmeter
2441With a tool of prodigious diameter.
2442 It was not the size
2443 That cause such surprise;
2444'Twas his rhythm -- iambic pentameter.
2446There once was a son-of-a-bitch,
2447Neither clever, nor handsome, nor rich,
2448 Yet the girls he would dazzle,
2449 And fuck to a frazzle,
2450And then ditch them, the son-of-a-bitch!
2452There once was a spaceman named Spock
2453Who had a huge Vulcanized cock.
2454 A girl from Missouri
2455 Whose name was Uhura
2456Just fainted away from the shock.
2458There once was a Swede in Minneapolis,
2459Discovered his sex life was hapless:
2460 The more he would screw
2461 The more he'd want to,
2462And he feared he would soon be quite sapless.
2464There once was a Usenetter named Mark,
2465Whose gender was kept in the dark.
2466 He/she/it said with a nod,
2467 "My ancestors were odd!"
2468Did Noah need two for the ark?
2470There once was a whore from Regina
2471Who had a stupendous vagina.
2472 To save herself time,
2473 She had six at a time,
2474And another one working behind her.
2476There once was a woman from Arden
2477Who sucked off a man in a garden.
2478 He said, "My dear Flo,
2479 Where does all that stuff go?"
2480And she said, "[Swallow hard] I beg pardon?"
2482There once was a yokel of Beaconsfield
2483Engaged to look after the deacon's field,
2484 But he lurked in the ditches
2485 And diddled the bitches
2486Who happened to cross that antique 'un's field.
2488There once was a young fellow named Blaine,
2489And he screwed some disgusting old jane.
2490 She was ugly and smelly,
2491 With an awful pot-belly,
2492But... well, they were caught in the rain.
2494There once was a young girl from Natches
2495Who chanced to be born with two snatches
2496 She often said, "Shit!
2497 I'd give either tit
2498For a guy with equipment that matches."
2500There once was a young man from Boston
2501Who drove around town in an Austin,
2502 There was room for his ass,
2503 And a gallon of gas,
2504So he hung out his balls and he lost 'em.
2506There once was a young man from France
2507Who waited ten years for his chance;
2508Then he muffed it...
2510There once was a young man from Yuma
2511Who attempted sex with a puma
2512 He gave up real quick
2513 Minus nose, toes, and prick
2514In obvious pain and ill huma.
2516There once was a young man from Yuma,
2517Who told an elephant joke to a puma.
2518 Now his dry bleached bones lie,
2519 Under hot Asian skies,
2520'Cause the puma had no sense of huma.
2522There once was a young man named Clyde
2523Who fell in an outhouse, and died.
2524 He had a twin brother
2525 Who fell in another
2526And now they're interred side by side.
2528There once was a young man named Gene,
2529Who invented a screwing machine.
2530 Concave and convex,
2531 It served either sex,
2532And it played with itself inbetween.
2534There once was a young man named Lancelot
2535Whom the townsfolk would look at askance a lot
2536 For when he should pass
2537 A desirable lass
2538The front of his pants would advance a lot.
2540There once was an Arpanet freak,
2541Who better response-time did seek.
2542 He searched coast to coast,
2543 For a reliable host,
2544Whose logger took less than a week.
2546There once was an old man from Esser,
2547Who's knowledge grew lesser and lesser.
2548 It at last grew so small,
2549 He knew nothing at all,
2550And now he's a College Professor.
2552There once were two brothers named Luntz
2553Who buggered each other at once.
2554 When asked to account
2555 For this intricate mount,
2556They said, "Ass-holes are tighter than cunts."
2558There once were two women from Birmingham.
2559And this is the story concerning 'em.
2560 They lifted the frock
2561 And fondled the cock
2562Of the bishop as he was confirming 'em.
2564There was a bluestocking in Florence
2565Wrote anti-sex pamphlets in torrents,
2566 Till a Spanish grandee,
2567 Got her off with his knee,
2568And she burned all her works with abhorrence.
2570There was a family named Doe,
2571An ideal family to know.
2572 As father screwed mother,
2573 She said, "You're heavier than brother."
2574And he said, "Yes, Sis told me so!"
2576There was a fat lady of China
2577Who'd a really enormous vagina,
2578 And when she was dead
2579 They painted it red,
2580And used it for docking a liner.
2582There was a fat man from Rangoon
2583Whose prick was much like a ballon.
2584 He tried hard to ride her
2585 And when finally inside her
2586She thought she was pregnant too soon.
2588There was a gay countess of Bray,
2589And you may think it odd when I say,
2590 That in spite of high station,
2591 Rank and education,
2592She always spelled cunt with a 'k'.
2594There was a gay countess of Bray,
2595And you may think it odd when I say,
2596 That in spite of high station,
2597 Rank and education,
2598She always spelled cunt with a 'k'.
2600There was a gay dog from Ontario
2601Who fancied himself a Lothario.
2602 At a wench's glance
2603 He'd snatch off his pants
2604And make for her Mons Venerio.
2606There was a gay parson of Norton
2607Whose prick, although thick, was a short 'un.
2608 To make up for this loss,
2609 He had balls like a horse,
2610And never spent less than a quartern.
2612There was a gay parson of Tooting
2613Whose roe he was frequently shooting,
2614 Till he married a lass
2615 With a face like my arse,
2616And a cunt you could put a top-boot in.
2618There was a girl from Aberystwyth
2619Who brought grain to the mill to get grist with.
2620 The miller's son Jack
2621 Laid her flat on her back
2622And united the organs they pissed with.
2624There was a lewd fellow named Duff
2625Who loved to dive deep in the muff.
2626 With his head in a whirl
2627 He said, "Spread it, Pearl;
2628I cunt get enough of the stuff!"
2630There was a man from Mich.
2631Who used to wish and wich.
2632 That spring would come
2633 So he could bum
2634Around and go out fich.
2636There was a pianist named Liszt
2637Who played with one hand while he pissed,
2638 But as he grew older
2639 His technique grew bolder,
2640And in concert jacked off with his fist.
2642There was a poor parson from Goring,
2643Who made a small hole in his flooring,
2644 Fur-lined it all round,
2645 Then laid on the ground,
2646And declared it was cheaper than whoring.
2648There was a strong man of Drumrig
2649Who one day did seven times frig.
2650 He buggered three sailors,
2651 Four dogs and two tailors,
2652And ended by fucking a pig.
2654There was a teenager named Donna
2655Who never said, "No, I don't wanna."
2656 Two days out of three
2657 She would shoot LSD,
2658And on weekends she smoked marijuana.
2660There was a young belle of old Natchez
2661Whose garments were always in patchez.
2662 When comment arose
2663 On the state of her clothes
2664She, drawled, "When ah itchez, ah scratchez."
2666There was a young blade from South Greece
2667Whose bush did so greatly increase
2668 That before he could shack
2669 He must hunt needle in stack.
2670'Twas as bad as being obese.
2672There was a young bride, a Canuck,
2673Told her husband, "Let's do more than suck.
2674 You say that I, maybe,
2675 Can have my first baby--
2676Let's give up this Frenchin' and fuck!"
2678There was a young bride of Antigua
2679Whose husband said, "Dear me, how big you are!"
2680 Said the girl, "What damn'd rot!
2681 Why, you've only felt my twot,
2682My legs and my arse and my figua!"
2684There was a young chap in Arabia
2685Who courted a widow named Fabia.
2686 "Yes, my tongue is as long
2687 As the average man's dong,"
2688He said, licking the lips of her labia.
2690There was a young cook with the art
2691Of making a delicious tart
2692 With a handful of shit,
2693 Some snot and some spit,
2694And he'd flavor the whole with a fart.
2696There was a young curate whose brain
2697Was deranged from the use of cocaine;
2698 He lured a small child
2699 To a copse dark and wild,
2700Where he beat it to death with his cane.
2701 -- Edward Gorey
2703There was a young damsel named Baker
2704Who was poked in a pew by a Quaker.
2705 He yelled, "My God! what
2706 Do you call this -- a twat?
2707Why, the entrance is more than an acre!"
2709There was a young dolly named Molly
2710Who thought that to frig was a folly.
2711 Said she, "Your pee-pee
2712 Means nothing to me,
2713But I'll do it just to be jolly."
2715There was a young fellow called Clyde
2716Who fell in an outhouse and died.
2717 He had a twin brother
2718 Who fell in another
2719So now they're interred side by side.
2721There was a young fellow from Cal.,
2722In bed with a passionate gal.
2723 He leapt from the bed,
2724 To the toilet he sped;
2725Said the gal, "What about me, old pal?"
2727There was a young fellow from Florida
2728Who liked a friend's wife, so he borrowed her.
2729 When they got into bed
2730 He cried, "God strike me dead!
2731This ain't a cunt -- it's a corridor!"
2733There was a young fellow from Kent
2734Whose cock was so long that it bent
2735 To save himself trouble
2736 He put it in double
2737And instead of coming, he went.
2739There was a young fellow from Leeds
2740Who swallowed a package of seeds.
2741 Great tufts of grass
2742 Sprouted out of his ass
2743And his balls were all covered with weeds.
2745There was a young fellow from Parma
2746Who was solemnly screwing his charmer.
2747 Said the damsel demure,
2748 "You'll excuse me, I'm sure,
2749But I must say you fuck like a farmer."
2751There was a young fellow name Tucker
2752Who, instructing a novice cock-sucker,
2753 Said, "Don't bow out your lips
2754 Like an elephant's hips,
2755The boys like it best when they pucker."
2757There was a young fellow named Ades
2758Whose favorite fruit was young maids.
2759 But sheep, nigger boys, whores,
2760 And the knot holes in doors
2761Were by no means exempt from his raids.
2763There was a young fellow named Babbitt
2764Who could screw nine times like a rabbit,
2765 But a girl from Johore
2766 Could do it twice more,
2767Which was just enough extra to crab it.
2769There was a young fellow named Bill,
2770Who took an atomic pill,
2771 His navel corroded,
2772 His asshole exploded,
2773And they found his nuts in Brazil.
2775There was a young fellow named Blaine,
2776And he screwed some disgusting old jane.
2777 She was ugly and smelly
2778 With an awful pot-belly,
2779But... well, they were caught in the rain.
2781There was a young fellow named Bliss
2782Whose sex life was strangely amiss,
2783 For even with Venus
2784 His recalcitrant penis
2785Would never do better than t
2786 h
2787 i
2788 s
2789 .
2791There was a young fellow named Bowen
2792Whose pecker kept growin' and growin'.
2793 It grew so tremendous,
2794 So long and so pendulous,
2795'Twas no good for fuckin' -- just showin'.
2797There was a young fellow named Brewer
2798Whose girl made her home in a sewer.
2799 Thus he, the poor soul,
2800 Could get into her hole,
2801And still not be able to screw her!
2803There was a young fellow named Case
2804Who entered a cunt-lapping race.
2805 He licked his way clean
2806 Through Number thirteen,
2807But then slipped and got pissed in the face.
2809There was a young fellow named Charteris
2810Put his hand where his young lady's garter is.
2811 Said she, "I don't mind,
2812 And higher up you'll find
2813The place where my fucker and farter is."
2815There was a young fellow named Cribbs
2816Whose cock was so big it had ribs.
2817 They were inches apart,
2818 And to suck it took art,
2819While to fuck it took forty-two trips.
2821There was a young fellow named dick
2822Who had a magnificent prick.
2823 It was shaped like a prism
2824 And shot so much gism
2825It made every cocksucker sick.
2827There was a young fellow named Feeney
2828Whose girl was a terrible meany.
2829 The hatch of her snatch
2830 Had a catch that would latch
2831- She could only be screwed by Houdini.
2833There was a young fellow named Fletcher,
2834Was reputed an infamous lecher.
2835 When he'd take on a whore
2836 She'd need a rebore,
2837And they'd carry him out on a stretcher.
2839There was a young fellow named Fyfe
2840Whose marriage was ruined for life,
2841 For he had an aversion
2842 To every perversion,
2843And only liked fucking his wife.
2845Well, one year the poor woman struck,
2846And she wept, and she cursed at her luck,
2847 And said, "Where have you gotten us
2848 With your goddamn monotonous
2849Fuck after fuck after fuck?
2851"I once knew a harlot named Lou --
2852And a versatile girl she was, too.
2853 After ten years of whoredom
2854 She perished of boredom
2855When she married a jackass like you!"
2857There was a young fellow named Gene
2858Who first picked his asshole quite clean.
2859 He next picked his toes,
2860 And lastly his nose,
2861And he never did wash in between.
2863There was a young fellow named Gluck
2864Who found himself shit out of luck.
2865 Though he petted and wooed,
2866 When he tried to get screwed
2867He found virgins just don't give a fuck.
2869There was a young fellow named Goody
2870Who claimed that he wouldn't, but would he?
2871 If he found himself nude
2872 With a gal in the mood
2873The question's not woody but could he?
2875There was a young fellow named Grant
2876Who was made like the sensitive plant.
2877 When they asked "Do you fuck?"
2878 He replied, "No such luck.
2879I would if I could, but I can't."
2881There was a young fellow named Grimes
2882Who fucked his girl seventeen times
2883 In the course of a week --
2884 And this isn't to speak
2885Of assorted venereal crimes.
2887There was a young fellow named Harry,
2888Had a joint that was long, huge and scary.
2889 He grabbed him a virgin,
2890 Who, without any urgin',
2891Immediately spread like a fairy.
2893There was a young fellow named Hatch
2894Who was fond of the music of Bach.
2895 He said: "It's not fussy
2896 Like Brahms and Debussy;
2897Sit down, and I'll play you a snatch."
2899There was a young fellow named Kimble
2900Whose prick was exceedingly nimble,
2901 But fragile and slender,
2902 And dainty and tender,
2903So he kept it encased in a thimble.
2905There was a young fellow named Meek
2906Who invented a lingual technique.
2907 It drove women frantic,
2908 And made them romantic,
2909And wore all the hair off his cheek.
2911There was a young fellow named Morgan
2912Who possessed an unusual organ:
2913 The end of his dong,
2914 Which was nine inches long,
2915Was tipped with the head of a gorgon.
2917There was a young fellow named Paul
2918Who confessed, "I have only one ball.
2919 But the size of my prick
2920 Is God's dirtiest trick,
2921For my girls always ask, 'Is that all?'"
2923There was a young fellow named Pell
2924Who didn't like cunt very well.
2925 He would finger or fuck one,
2926 But never would suck one--
2927He just couldn't get used to the smell.
2929There was a young fellow named Price
2930Who dabbled in all sorts of vice.
2931 He had virgins and boys
2932 And mechanical toys,
2933And on Mondays... he meddled with mice!
2935There was a young fellow named Prynne
2936Whose prick was so short and so thin,
2937 His wife found she needed
2938 A Fuckoscope -- she did --
2939To see if he'd gotten it in.
2941There was a young fellow named Skinner
2942Who took a young lady to dinner
2943 At a quarter to nine,
2944 They sat down to dine,
2945At twenty to ten it was in her.
2946The dinner, not Skinner -- Skinner was in her before dinner.
2948There was a young fellow named Tupper
2949Who took a young lady to supper.
2950 At a quarter to nine,
2951 They sat down to dine,
2952And at twenty to ten it was up her.
2953Not the supper -- not Tupper -- It was some son-of-a-bitch named Skinner!
2955There was a young fellow named Sweeney,
2956Whose girl was a terrible meanie,
2957 The hatch of her snatch,
2958 Had a catch that would latch,
2959She could only be screwed by Houdini.
2961There was a young fellow of Burma
2962Whose betrothed had good reason to murmur.
2963 But now that he's married he's
2964 Been using cantharides
2965And the root of their love is much firmer.
2967There was a young fellow of Greenwich
2968Whose balls were all covered with spinach.
2969 He had such a tool
2970 It was wound on a spool,
2971And he reeled it out inich by inich.
2973But this tale has an unhappy finich,
2974For due to the sand in the spinach
2975 His ballocks grew rough
2976 And wrecked his wife's muff,
2977And scratched up her thatch in the scrimmage.
2979There was a young fellow of Harrow
2980Whose john was the size of a marrow.
2981 He said to his tart,
2982 "How's this for a start?
2983My balls are outside in a barrow."
2985There was a young fellow of Kent
2986Whose prick was so long that it bent,
2987 So to save himself trouble
2988 He put it in double,
2989And instead of coming he went.
2991There was a young fellow of Mayence
2992Who fucked his own arse in defiance
2993 Not only of custom
2994 And morals, dad-bust him,
2995But of most of the known laws of science.
2997There was a young fellow of Perth
2998Whose balls were the finest on earth.
2999 They grew to such size
3000 That one won a prize,
3001And goodness knows what they were worth.
3003There was a young fellow of Strensall
3004Whose prick was as sharp as a pencil.
3005 On the night of his wedding
3006 It went through the bedding,
3007And shattered the chamber utensil.
3009There was a young fellow of Warwick
3010Who had reason for feeling euphoric,
3011 For he could by election
3012 Have triune erection:
3013Ionic, Corinthian, and Doric.
3015There was a young fellow whose dong
3016Was prodigiously massive and long.
3017 On each side of his whang
3018 Two testes did hang
3019That attracted a curious throng.
3021There was a young gaucho named Bruno
3022Who said, "Screwing is one thing I do know.
3023 A woman is fine,
3024 And a sheep is divine,
3025But a llama is Numero Uno."
3027There was a young gaucho named Bruno
3028Who said, "There is one thing I do know,
3029 Women are fine
3030 And children devine,
3031But the llama is numero uno."
3033There was a young German named Ringer
3034Who was screwing an opera singer.
3035 Said he with a grin,
3036 "Well, I've sure got it in!"
3037Said she, "You mean that ain't your finger?"
3039There was a young girl from Annista
3040Who dated a lecherous mister.
3041 He fondled her titty,
3042 Got one finger shitty,
3043Then screwed up his courage and kissed 'er.
3045There was a young girl from Decatur
3046Who was raped by an alligator.
3047 But no one quite knew
3048 How she relished that screw,
3049For after he screwed her, he ate her.
3051There was a young girl from Dundee,
3052From her fanny there grew a plum tree.
3053 No one ate the nice fruit,
3054 To tell you the truth,
3055Because they knew it came from her tooty-toot-toot.
3057There was a young girl from East Lynn
3058Whose mother ( to save her from sin )
3059 Had filled up her crack
3060 With hard-setting shellac,
3061But the boys picked it out with a pin.
3063There was a young girl from Hong Kong
3064Who said, "You are utterly wrong
3065 To say my vagina
3066 Is the largest in China
3067Just because of your mean little dong."
3069There was a young girl from Hong Kong
3070Whose cervical cap was a gong.
3071 She said with a yell,
3072 As a shot rang her bell,
3073"I'll give you a ding for a dong!"
3075There was a young girl from Medina
3076Who could completely control her vagina.
3077 She could twist it around
3078 Like the cunts that are found
3079In Japan, Manchukuo and China.
3081There was a young girl from New York
3082Who plugged up her cunt with a cork.
3083 A woodpecker or two
3084 Made the grade it is true,
3085But it totally baffled the stork.
3087Till along came a man who presented
3088A tool that was strangely indented.
3089 With a dizzying twirl
3090 He punctured that girl,
3091And thus was the cork-screw invented.
3093There was a young girl from New York
3094Who plugged up her quim with a cork
3095 A woodpecker or two
3096 Made the grade, it is true,
3097But it totally baffled the stork.
3099There was a young girl from Peru,
3100Who had nothing whatever to do.
3101 So she sat on the stairs,
3102 And counted cunt hairs,
3103Four thousand, three hundred and two.
3105There was a young girl from Peru,
3106Who noticed her lovers were few;
3107 So she walked out her door
3108 With a fig leaf, no more,
3109And now she's in bed - with the flu.
3111There was a young girl from Samoa
3112Who pledged that no man would know her.
3113 One young fellow tried,
3114 But she wriggled aside,
3115And he spilled all his spermatozoa.
3117There was a young girl from Seattle,
3118Whose hobby was sucking off cattle.
3119 But a bull from the South
3120 Shot a wad in her mouth
3121That made both her ovaries rattle.
3123There was a young girl from Siam
3124Who said to her boyfriend Priam,
3125 "To seduce me, of course,
3126 You'll have to use force,
3127And thank goodness you're stronger than I am.
3129There was a young girl from St. Cyr
3130Whose reflex reactions were queer.
3131 Her escort said, "Mable,
3132 Get up off the table;
3133That money's to pay for the beer."
3135There was a young girl from St. Paul
3136Who went to a newspaper ball.
3137 Her dress caught on fire
3138 And burnt her entire
3139Front page and sport section and all.
3141There was a young girl from the Bronix
3142Who had a vagina of onyx.
3143 She had so much `tsoris'
3144 With her clitoris,
3145She traded it in for a Packard.
3147There was a young girl from the coast
3148Who, just when she needed it most,
3149 Lost her Kotex and bled
3150 All over the bed,
3151And the head and the beard of her host.
3153There was a young girl in Berlin
3154Who eked out a living through sin.
3155 She didn't mind fucking,
3156 But much preferred sucking,
3157And she'd wipe off the pricks on her chin.
3159There was a young girl in Berlin
3160Who was fucked by an elderly Finn.
3161 Though he diddled his best,
3162 And fucked her with zest,
3163She kept asking, "Hey, Pop, is it in?"
3165There was a young girl in Dakota
3166Had a letter from Ickes; he wrote her:
3167 "In addition to gas
3168 We are rationing ass,
3169And you've greatly exceeded your quota."
3171There was a young girl name McKnight
3172Who got drunk with her boy-friend one night.
3173 She came to in bed,
3174 With a split maidenhead--
3175That's the last time she ever was tight.
3177There was a young girl named Ann Heuser
3178Who swore that no man could surprise her.
3179 But Pabst took a chance,
3180 Found a Schlitz in her pants,
3181And now she is sadder Budweiser.
3183There was a young girl named Heather
3184Whose twitcher was made out of leather.
3185 She made a queer noise,
3186 Which attracted the boys,
3187By flapping the edges together.
3189There was a young girl named McCall
3190Whose cunt was exceedingly small,
3191 But the size of her anus
3192 Was something quite heinous --
3193It could hold seven pricks and one ball.
3195There was a young girl named O'Clare
3196Whose body was covered with hair.
3197 It was really quite fun
3198 To probe with one's gun,
3199For her quimmy might be anywhere.
3201There was a young girl named O'Malley
3202Who wanted to dance in the ballet.
3203 She got roars of applause
3204 When she kicked off her drawers,
3205But her hair and her bush didn't tally.
3207There was a young girl named Saphire
3208Who succumbed to her lovers desire.
3209 She said, "It's a sin,
3210 But now that it's in,
3211Could you shove it a few inches higher?"
3213There was a young girl named Sapphire
3214Who succumbed to her lover's desire.
3215 She said, "It's a sin,
3216 But now that it's in,
3217Could you shove it a few inches higher?"
3219There was a young girl of Aberystwyth
3220Who screwed every man that she kissed with.
3221 She tickled the balls
3222 Of the men in the halls,
3223And pulled on the prongs that they pissed with.
3225There was a young girl of Aberystwyth
3226Who took grain to the mill to get grist with.
3227 The miller's sun, Jack,
3228 Laid her flat on her back,
3229And united the organs they pissed with.
3231There was a young girl of Angina
3232Who stretched catgut across her vagina.
3233 From the love-making frock
3234 (With the proper sized cock)
3235Came Toccata and Fugue in D minor.
3237There was a young girl of Asturias
3238With a penchant for practices curious.
3239 She loved to bat rocks
3240 With her gentlemen's cocks --
3241A practice both rude and injurious.
3243There was a young girl of Batonger
3244who diddled herself with a conger,
3245 When asked how it feels
3246 To be pleasured by eels
3247She said, "Just like a man, only longer.
3249There was a young girl of Cah'lina,
3250Had a very capricious vagina:
3251 To the shock of the fucker
3252 "Twould suddenly pucker,
3253And whistle the chorus of "Dinah."
3255There was a young girl of Cape Cod
3256Who dreamt she'd been buggered by God.
3257 But it wasn't Jehovah
3258 That turned the girl over,
3259'Twas Roger the lodger, the dirty old codger,
3260 the bugger, the bastard, the sod!
3262There was a young girl of Cape Town
3263Who usually fucked with a clown.
3264 He taught her the trick
3265 Of sucking his prick,
3266And when it went up -- she went down.
3268There was a young girl of Coxsaxie
3269Whose skirt was more mini than maxi.
3270 She was fucked at the show
3271 In the twenty-third row,
3272And once more going home in the taxi.
3274There was a young girl of Darjeeling
3275Who could dance with such exquisite feeling
3276 There was never a sound
3277 For miles around
3278Save of fly-buttons hitting the ceiling.
3280There was a young girl of Des Moines
3281Whose cunt could be fitted with coins,
3282 Till a guy from Hoboken
3283 Went and dropped in a token,
3284And now she rides free on the ferry.
3286There was a young girl of Detroit
3287Who at fucking was very adroit:
3288 She could squeeze her vagina
3289 To a pin-point, or finer,
3290Or open it out like a quoit.
3292And she had a friend named Durand
3293Whose cock could contract or expand.
3294 He could diddle a midge
3295 Or the arch of a bridge --
3296Their performance together was grand!
3298There was a young girl of East Lynne
3299Whose mother, to save her from sin,
3300 Had filled up her crack,
3301 To the brim with shellac,
3302But the boys picked it out with a pin.
3304There was a young girl of Gibraltar
3305Who was raped as she knelt at the altar.
3306 It really seems odd
3307 That a virtuous God
3308Should answer her prayers and assault her.
3310There was a young girl of LLewellyn
3311Whose breasts were as big as a melon.
3312 They were big it is true,
3313 But her cunt was big too,
3314Like a bifocal, full-color, aerial view
3315Of Cape Horn and the Straits of Magellan.
3317There was a young girl of Mobile,
3318Who hymen was made of chilled steel,
3319 To give her a thrill,
3320 Took a rotary drill,
3321Or a number nine emery wheel.
3323There was a young girl of Moline
3324Whose fucking was sweet and obscene.
3325 She would work on a prick
3326 With every known trick,
3327And finish by winking it clean.
3329There was a young girl of Newcastle
3330Whose charms were declared universal.
3331 While one man in front
3332 Wired into her cunt,
3333Another was engaged at her arsehole.
3335There was a young girl of Pawtucket
3336Whose box was as big as a bucket.
3337 Her boy-friend said, "Toots,
3338 I'll have to wear boots,
3339For I see I must muck it, not fuck it."
3341There was a young girl of Penzance
3342Who boarded a bus in a trance.
3343 The passengers fucked her,
3344 Likewise the conductor,
3345While the driver shot off in his pants.
3347There was a young girl of Pitlochry
3348Who was had by a man in a rockery.
3349 She said, "Oh! You've come
3350 All over my bum;
3351This isn't a fuck -- it's a mockery."
3353There was a young girl of Rangoon
3354Who was blocked by the Man in the Moon.
3355 "Well, it has been great fun,"
3356 She remarked when he'd done,
3357"But I'm sorry you came quite so soon."
3359There was a young girl of Spitzbergen,
3360Whose people all thought her a virgin,
3361 Till they found her in bed
3362 With her twat very red,
3363And the head of a kid just emergin'.
3365There was a young girl, very sweet,
3366Who thought sailors' meat quite a treat.
3367 When she sat on their lap
3368 She unbuttoned their flap,
3369And always had plenty to eat.
3371There was a young girl who begat
3372Three babies named Nat, Pat and Tat.
3373 T'was fun in the breeding
3374 But hell in the feeding
3375When she found there's no tit for Tat.
3377There was a young girl who begat
3378Three brats, by name Nat, Pat, and Tat.
3379 It was fun in the breeding,
3380 But hell in the feeding,
3381When she found there was no tit for Tat.
3383There was a young harlot from Kew
3384Who filled her vagina with glue.
3385 She said with a grin,
3386 "If they pay to get in,
3387They'll pay to get out of it too."
3389There was a young harlot named Schwartz
3390Whose cock-pit was studded with warts,
3391 And they tickled so nice
3392 She drew a high price
3393From the studs at the summer resorts.
3395Her pimp, a young fellow named Biddle,
3396Was seldom hard up for a diddle,
3397 For according to rumor
3398 His tool had a tumor
3399And a fine row of warts down the middle.
3401There was a young hayseed from Tiffan
3402Whose cock would constantly stiffen.
3403 The knob out in front
3404 Attracted foul cunt
3405Which he greatly delighted in sniffin'.
3407There was a young idler named Blood,
3408Made a fortune performing at stud,
3409 With a fifteen-inch peter,
3410 A double-beat metre,
3411And a load like the Biblical Flood.
3413There was a young Jew of Far Rockaway
3414Whose screams could be heard for a block away.
3415 Perceiving his error,
3416 The Rabbi in terror
3417Cried, "God! I have cut his whole cock away!"
3419There was a young lad - name of Durcan
3420Who was always jerkin' his gherkin.
3421 His father said, "Durcan
3422 Stop jerkin' your gherkin
3423Your gherkin's for ferkin', not jerkin'.
3425There was a young lad from Nahant
3426Who was made like the Sensitve Plant.
3427 When asked, "Do you fuck?"
3428 He replied, "No such luck.
3429I would if I could but I can't."
3431There was a young lad from Siam,
3432Whose sexlife was caught in a jam.
3433 He loved them real small,
3434 'Cause they're funner to ball,
3435So he went out and bought him a lamb!
3437There was a young lad name of Durcan
3438Who was always jerkin' his gherkin.
3439 His father said, "Durcan!
3440 Stop jerkin' your gherkin!
3441Your gherkin's for ferkin', not jerkin'.
3443There was a young lad name of Ward
3444Who strung himself up with a cord
3445 Said he, of his work
3446 (Ere the rope snapped with a jerk)
3447"I am leaving because I am bored."
3448 - E.A. Guest
3450There was a young lad named McFee
3451Who was stung in the balls by a bee
3452 He made oodles of money
3453 By oozing pure honey
3454Every time he attempted to pee.
3456There was a young lady at sea
3457Who complained that it hurt her to pee.
3458 Said the brawny old mate,
3459 "That accounts for the state
3460Of the cook and the captain and me."
3462There was a young lady at sea
3463Who said, "God, how it hurts me to pee."
3464 "I see," said the mate,
3465 "That accounts for the state
3466Of the captain, the purser, and me."
3468There was a young lady called Ciss
3469Who went to the river to piss.
3470 A young man in a punt
3471 Put his hand on her cunt;
3472No wonder she thought it was bliss.
3474There was a young lady from Bangor
3475Who slept while the ship lay at anchor
3476 She woke in dismay
3477 When she heard the mate say:
3478"Let's lift up the topsheet and spanker!"
3480There was a young lady from Bright,
3481Whose speed was much faster than light.
3482 She went out one day
3483 In a relative way
3484And returned on the previous night.
3486There was a young lady from Bristol
3487Who went to the Palace called Crystal.
3488 Said she, "It's all glass,
3489 And as round as my ass,"
3490And she farted as loud as a pistol.
3492There was a young lady from Brussels
3493Who was proud of her vaginal muscles.
3494 She could easily plex them
3495 And so interflex them
3496As to whistle love songs through her bustles.
3498There was a young lady from Drew
3499Who ended her verse at line two.
3501There was a young lady from Dumfries
3502Who said to her boyfriend, "It's some freeze!
3503 My navel's all bare,
3504 So stick it in there,
3505Before both my legs and my bum freeze."
3507There was a young lady from Exeter,
3508So pretty that men craned their necks at her.
3509 One was even so brave
3510 As to take out and wave
3511The distinguishing mark of his sex at her.
3513There was a young lady from Hyde
3514Who ate a green apple and died.
3515 While her lover lamented
3516 The apple fermented
3517And made cider inside her inside.
3519There was a young lady from Maine
3520Who claimed she had men on her brain.
3521 But you knew from the view,
3522 As her abdomen grew,
3523It was not on her brain that he'd lain.
3525There was a young lady from Munich
3526Who had an affair with a eunuch.
3527 At the height of their passion
3528 He dealt her a ration
3530There was a young lady from Munich
3531Who had an affair with a eunuch.
3532 At the height of their passion
3533 He dealt her a ration
3534From a squirt gun concealed in his tunic.
3536There was a young lady from Norway
3537Who hung by her heels in a doorway.
3538 She told her young man,
3539 "Get off the divan,
3540I think I've discovered one more way "
3542There was a young lady from Prentice
3543Who had an affair with a dentist.
3544 To make things easier
3545 He used anesthesia,
3546And diddled her, `non compos mentis'.
3548There was a young lady from Rheims
3549Who amazingly pissed in four streams.
3550 A friend poked around
3551 And a fly-button found
3552Lodged tight in her hole so it seems.
3554There was a young lady from Rio
3555Who slept with the Fornier trio.
3556 As she dropped her panties
3557 She said, "No andanties
3558I want this allegro con brio."
3560There was a young lady from Siam
3561Who said to her lover, one Kiam,
3562 "You may kiss me of course,
3563 But you'll have to use force.
3564Though god knows you're stronger than I am."
3566There was a young lady from Spain
3567Who demurely undressed on a train.
3568 A helpful young porter
3569 Helped more than he orter,
3570And she promptly cried "Help me again"
3572There was a young lady from Spain
3573Who got sick as she rode on a train;
3574 Not once, but again,
3575 And again, and again,
3576And again, and again, and again.
3578There was a young lady from Spain
3579Whose face was exceedingly plain,
3580 But her cunt had a pucker
3581 That made the men fuck her,
3582Again, and again, and again.
3584There was a young lady from Troy
3585Had a moustache, just like a young boy
3586 Though it tickled to kiss
3587 'Twas a source of much bliss
3588When she used it to brush a man's toy.
3590There was a young lady from Wheeling
3591Who claimed to lack sexual feeling.
3592 But a cynic named Boris
3593 Just touched her clitoris
3594And she had to be scraped off the ceiling.
3596There was a young lady from Wheeling
3597Who had a peculiar feeling.
3598 She laid on her back
3599 And tickled her crack
3600And pissed all over the ceiling.
3602There was a young lady from Wooster
3603Who complained that too many men gooster.
3604 So she traded her scanties
3605 For sandpaper panties,
3606Now they goose her much less than they used 'ter.
3608There was a young lady in Reno,
3609Who lost all her dough playing Keno.
3610 But she lay on her back,
3611 And opened her crack,
3612So now she owns the Casino!
3614There was a young lady named Alice
3615Who was known to have peed in a chalice.
3616 'Twas the common belief
3617 It was done for relief,
3618And not out of protestant malice.
3620There was a young lady named Astor
3621Who never let any get past her.
3622 She finally got plenty
3623 By stopping twenty,
3624Which certainly ought to last her.
3626There was a young lady named Banker,
3627Who slept while the ship lay at anchor,
3628 She woke in dismay,
3629 When she heard the mate say,
3630"Now hoist up the topsheet and spanker."
3632There was a young lady named Blount
3633Who had a rectangular cunt.
3634 She learned for diversion
3635 Posterior perversion,
3636Since no one could fit here in front.
3638There was a young lady named Bower
3639Who dwelt in an Ivory Tower.
3640 But a poet from Perth
3641 Laid her flat on the earth,
3642And proceeded with penis to plough her.
3644There was a young lady named Brent
3645With a cunt of enormous extent,
3646 And so deep and so wide,
3647 The acoustics inside
3648Were so good you could hear when you spent.
3650There was a young lady named Bright
3651Who could travel much faster than light.
3652 She took off one day,
3653 In a relative way,
3654And returned on the previous night.
3656There was a young lady named Brook
3657Who never could learn how to cook.
3658 But on a divan
3659 She could please any man-
3660She knew every darn trick in the book!
3662There was a young lady named Cager
3663Who, as the result of a wager,
3664 Consented to fart
3665 The entire oboe part
3666Of Mozart's quartet in F major.
3668There was a young lady named Ciss
3669Who said, "I think skating's a bliss "
3670 But she'll never restate,
3671 For a wheel off her skate
3672.siht ekil gnihtemos pu hsinif reh edaM
3674There was a young lady named Clair
3675Who possessed a magnificent pair;
3676 At least so I thought
3677 Till I saw one get caught
3678On a thorn, and begin losing air.
3680There was a young lady named Dot
3681Whose cunt was so terribly hot
3682 That ten bishops of Rome
3683 And the Pope's private gnome
3684Failed to quench her Vesuvial twat.
3686There was a young lady named Duff
3687With a lovely, luxuriant muff.
3688 In his haste to get in her
3689 One eager beginner
3690Lost both of his balls in the rough.
3692There was a young lady named Etta
3693Who was constantly seen in a swetta.
3694 Three reasons she had:
3695 To keep warm wasn't bad,
3696But the other two reasons were betta.
3698There was a young lady named Fleager
3699Who was terribly, terribly eager
3700 To be all the rage
3701 On the tragedy stage,
3702Though her talents were pitifully meagre.
3703 -- Edward Gorey
3705There was a young lady named Flo
3706Whose lover had pulled out too slow.
3707 So they tried it all night,
3708 Till he got it just right...
3709Well, practice makes pregnant, you know.
3711There was a young lady named Flynn
3712Who thought fornication a sin,
3713 But when she was tight
3714 It seemed quite all right,
3715So everyone filled her with gin.
3717There was a young lady named Gilda
3718Who went on a date with a builder.
3719 He said that he would,
3720 And he could and he should,
3721And he did and it damn well near killed her.
3723There was a young lady named Gloria
3724Who was had by Sir Gerald Du Maurier,
3725 And then by six men,
3726 Sir Gerald again,
3727And the band at the Waldorf-Astoria.
3729There was a young lady named Gloria,
3730Whose boyfriend said, "May I explore ya?"
3731 She replied to the chap,
3732 "I'll draw you a map,
3733Of where others have been to before ya."
3735There was a young lady named Grace
3736Who would not take a prick in her "place."
3737 Though she'd kiss it and suck it,
3738 She never would fuck it--
3739She just couldn't relax face-to-face.
3741There was a young lady named Hall,
3742Wore a newspaper dress to a ball.
3743 The dress caught on fire
3744 And burned her entire
3745Front page, sporting section, and all.
3747There was a young lady named Hatch
3748Who would always come through in a scratch.
3749 If a guy wouldn't neck her,
3750 She'd grab up his pecker
3751And shove the damn thing up her snatch.
3753There was a young lady named Mable
3754Who liked to sprawl out on the table,
3755 Then cry to her man,
3756 "Stuff in all you can --
3757Get your ballocks in, too, if you're able."
3759There was a young lady named Mandel
3760Who caused quite a neighborhood scandal
3761 By coming out bare
3762 On the main village square
3763And frigging herself with a candle.
3765There was a young lady named Maud,
3766A terrible society fraud:
3767 In company, I'm told,
3768 She was distant and cold,
3769But if you got her alone, Oh God!
3771There was a young lady named May
3772Who strolled in a park by the way,
3773 And she met a youg man
3774 Who fucked her and ran --
3775Now she goes to the park every day.
3777There was a young lady named Nance
3778Who learned about fucking in France,
3779 And when you'd insert it
3780 She'd squeeze till she hurt it,
3781And shoved it right back in your pants.
3783There was a young lady named Nelly
3784Whose tits would jiggle like jelly.
3785 They could tickle her twat
3786 Or be tied in a knot,
3787And could even swat flies on her belly.
3789There was a young lady named Ransom
3790Who was raped three times in a hansom
3791 When she cried out for more
3792 Said a voice from the floor,
3793"My name, ma'am, is Simpson, not Samson
3795There was a young lady named Ransom
3796Who was rogered three times in a hansom.
3797 When she cried out for more
3798 A voice from the floor
3799Replied, "My name is Simpson, not Samson."
3801There was a young lady named Riddle
3802Who had an untouchable middle.
3803 She had many friends
3804 Because of her ends,
3805Since it isn't the middle you diddle.
3807There was a young lady named Rose
3808Who fainted whenever she chose;
3809 She did so one day
3810 While playing croquet,
3811But was quickly revived with a hose.
3812 -- Edward Gorey
3814There was a young lady named Rose
3815With erogenous zones in her toes.
3816 She remained onanistic
3817 Till a foot-fetishistic
3818Young man became one of her beaux.
3820There was a young lady named Schneider
3821Who often kept trysts with a spider.
3822 She found a strange bliss,
3823 In the hiss of her piss,
3824As it strained through the cobwebs inside her.
3826There was a young lady named Smith
3827Whose virtue was largely a myth.
3828 She said, "Try as I can
3829 I can't find a man
3830Who it's fun to be virtuous with."
3832There was a young lady named Twiss
3833Who said she thought fucking a bliss,
3834 For it tickled her bum
3835 And caused her to come
3836.siht ekil gniyl ylbatrofmoc elihW
3838There was a young lady named Wylde
3839Who kept herself quite undefiled
3840 By thinking of Jesus;
3841 Contagious diseases;
3842And the bother of having a child.
3844There was a young lady of Arden,
3845The tool of whose swain wouldn't harden.
3846 Said she with a frown,
3847 "I've been sadly let down
3848By the tool of a fool in a garden."
3850There was a young lady of Bicester
3851Who was nicer by far than her sister:
3852 The sister would giggle
3853 And wiggle and jiggle,
3854But this one would come if you kissed her.
3856There was a young lady of Brabant
3857Who slept with an impotent savant.
3858 She admitted, "We shouldn't,
3859 But it turned out he couldn't-
3860So you can't say we have when we haven't."
3862There was a young lady of Bude
3863Who walked down the street in the nude.
3864 A bobby said, "Whattum
3865 Magnificent bottom!"
3866And slapped it as hard as he could.
3868There was a young lady of Carmia
3869Whose housekeeping ways would alarm ya.
3870 At every cold snap
3871 She would climb in your lab,
3872So her little base burner could warm ya.
3874There was a young lady of Dee
3875Who went down to the river to pee.
3876 A man in a punt
3877 Put his hand on her cunt,
3878And God! how I wish it were me.
3880There was a young lady of Dee
3881Whose hymen was split into three.
3882 And when she was diddled
3883 The middle string fiddled :
3884"Nearer My God To Thee."
3886There was a young lady of Dexter
3887Whose husband exceedingly vexed her,
3888 For whenever they'd start
3889 He'd unfailingly fart
3890With a blast that damn nearly unsexed her.
3892There was a young lady of Dover
3893Whose passion was such that it drove her
3894 To cry, when you came,
3895 "Oh dear! What a shame!
3896Well, now we shall have to start over."
3898There was a young lady of Ealing
3899And her lover before her was kneeling.
3900 Said she, "Dearest Jim,
3901 Take your hands off my quim;
3902I much prefer fucking to feeling."
3904There was a young lady of fashion
3905Who had oodles and oodles of passion.
3906 To her lover she said,
3907 As they climbed into bed,
3908"Here's one thing the bastards can't ration!"
3910There was a young lady of Fez
3911Who was known to the public as "Jez."
3912 Jezebel was her name,
3913 Sucking cocks was the game
3914She excelled at (so everyone says).
3916There was a young lady of Gaza
3917Who shaved her cunt bare with a razor.
3918 The crabs, in a lump,
3919 Made tracks to her rump -
3920This passing parade did amaze her.
3922There was a young lady of Gaza
3923Who shaved her cunt bare with a razor.
3924 The crabs, in a lump,
3925 Made tracks to her rump -
3926This passing parade did amaze her.
3928There was a young lady of Gaza
3929Who shaved her cunt bare with a razor.
3930 The crabs, in a lump,
3931 Made tracks to her rump--
3932This passing parade did amaze her.
3934There was a young lady of Gloucester,
3935Met a passionate fellow who tossed her.
3936 She wasn't much hurt,
3937 But he dirtied her skirt,
3938So think of the anguish it cost her.
3940There was a young lady of Gloucester
3941Whose friends they thought they had lost her
3942 Till they found on the grass
3943 The marks of her arse,
3944And the knees of the man who had crossed her.
3946There was a young lady of Kent,
3947Who admitted she knew what it meant
3948 When men asked her to dine,
3949 And plied her with wine,
3950She knew, oh she knew -- but she went!
3952There was a young lady of Lee
3953Who scrambled up into a tree,
3954 When she got there
3955 Her arsehole was bare,
3956And so was her C U N T.
3958There was a young lady of Lincoln
3959Who said that her cunt was a pink'un,
3960 So she had a prick lent her
3961 Which turned it magenta,
3962This artful old lady of Lincoln.
3964There was a young lady of Natchez
3965Who chanced to be born with two snatches,
3966 And she often said, "Shit!
3967 Why, I'd give either tit
3968For a man with equipment that matches."
3970There was a young fellow named Locke
3971Who was born with a two-headed cock.
3972 When he'd fondle the thing
3973 It would rise up and sing
3974An antiphonal chorus by Bach.
3976But whether these two ever met
3977Has not been recorded as yet,
3978 Still, it would be diverting
3979 To see him inserting
3980His whang while it sang a duet.
3982There was a young lady of Norway
3983Who hung by her toes in a doorway.