fortune(6): Add few fortunes.
[dragonfly.git] / games / fortune / datfiles / fortunes-o
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984263bc 1This fortune brought to you by:
9401d887 2 The DragonFly BSD Project
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3%
4 MOUNTIES:
5I'm a lumberjack and I'm OK, He's a lumberjack and he's OK,
6I sleep all night and I work all day. He sleeps all night and he works
7 all day.
8
9I cut down trees, I eat my lunch, He cuts down trees, he eats his lunch,
10I go to the lavatory. He goes to the lavatory.
11On Wednesday I go shopping, On Wednesday he goes shopping,
12And have buttered scones for tea. And has buttered scones for tea.
13
14I cut down trees, I skip and jump, He cuts down trees, he skips and jumps,
15I like to press wild flowers, He likes to press wild flowers.
16I put on women's clothing, He puts on women's clothing,
17And hang around in bars. And hangs around in bars.
18
19I cut down trees, I wear high heels, He cuts down trees, he wears high heels,
20Suspenders and a bra. Suspenders? and a bra?
21I wish I'd been a girlie, That's rude...
22Just like my dear Pappa.
23%
24 FROM THE DESK OF
25 Snow White
26
27Dear Snow White:
28
29 Thanks for last night.
30
31 Sleepy, Doc, Grumpy, Sneezy, Happy, Dopey, Bashful
32%
33 LEPROSY
34Leprosy, all my skin is falling off of me.
35I'm not half the man I used to be.
36Oh, how did I get leprosy?
37
38Syphilis, it all started with a simple kiss.
39Now it even hurts to take a piss.
40Oh why did I get syphilis?
41
42Why'd she have VD? I don't know, she wouldn't say.
5e79e90c 43I did something wrong, now I long for yesterday ...
984263bc 44 -- To the tune of "Yesterday"
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46 My Favorite Drugs [Sung to My Favorite Things]
47Reefers and roach clips and papers and rollers
48Cocaine and procaine for twenty year molars
49Reds and peyote to work out your bugs
50These are a few of my favorite drugs.
51
52Uppers and downers and methedrine freakout
53Take some amphetamines, watch your brains leak out
54Acid and mescaline pull out your plugs
55These are a few of my favorite drugs.
56
57Backs that are perfect for carrying monkeys
58Users of heroin, often called junkies
59Methadone helps then to stop being thugs
60Takes them off one of my favorite drugs.
61
62 On a bad trip
63 When the cops come
64 When I lose my head
65 I simply take more of my favorite drugs
66 And then I'm not sad -- I'm dead!
67%
68 NEW ADDITION TO THE LIBRARY:
69"Sally", the department's new inflatable doll, is available on a
70short-term removal basis only -- please sign her out and return her
71promptly to avoid extended waits. (We are still awaiting shipment of
72our "Big John" doll.)
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74 THE CHURCH OF COUNTERFACTUAL BELIEF
75
76An amalgamation of the Creation Science Research Foundation and the Flat Earth
77Society, The Church of Counterfactual Belief has been set up to cater to all
78who do not allow demonstrable truth to get in the way of their beliefs.
79In addition to creation science and the flatness of the earth, the following
80beliefs have been certified by Pope Duane as correct Church dogma:
81
82 --That there is a hole in the Earth at the North Pole from
83 which UFOs come.
84 --That pi equals precisely 3.000.
85 --That Billy Joe Wilson (Hoopla, Miss.) has successfully
86 squared the circle.
87 --That Harry Truman is still president, and doing a fine job.
88
89Several other important counterfactual beliefs are presently being studied,
90including Reaganomics and that the moon landings were done in a Hollywood
91special effects studio. These will be the subject of some forthcoming Papal
92Bull.
93%
94 The Snack
95Oh my God, screamed Mommy, You went and ate the Baby.
96
97What baby? asked Daddy. You know that's just the last of the leftover donkey.
98
99Donkey, my ass! said Mommy with some sentience. Do you think I don't
100 recognize my own baby? Why I can still see his little privates
101 caught in the gap between your front teeth. How many times have
102 I told you to take only what's on the *top* two shelves of the freezer?
103
104But there wasn't a thing to eat, cried Daddy.
105 And am I not the master of my own?
106
107Nothing to eat?
108 What about the elephant testicles in aspic that I put up for you
109 just last week in the ball jar? Our very first baby, too, wailed
110 Mommy, that I was saving for Christmas dinner.
111
112Testicles, testicles, said Daddy. A man gets tired of testicles.
113 -- L.L. Zeiger
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115 ... But among the children of the Great Society there were
116those whose skins were black. And lo! Their portion was niggardly,
5e79e90c 117and of the fatted calf they were sucking hind teat ...
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118 Now it came to pass that a prophet rose up amongst them, and
119they called him King. And he went unto Pharaoh and said, "Let my
120people go to the front of the bus."
121 But Pharaoh answered: "In the fullness of time and with all
122deliberate speed shall this thing come to pass. When ye shall prove
123yourselves worthy, shall ye have your just portion -- yea, verily, like
124unto a snowball in Hell."
125 -- "The Begatting of a President"
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126%
127 A bear and a rabbit are taking a crap in the woods. The bear looks
128over at the rabbit and asks, "Say, does shit ever stick to your fur?"
129 "No."
130 So the bear wiped his ass with the rabbit.
131%
132 A business executive is consumed by jealousy: he suspects his wife
133of cheating on him. The suspicion grows and grows, and one morning as he
134drives to work he can't take it any more. He thinks to himself, "she
135probably just waited until I left so she could meet with her lover."
136 When he gets to his office, he calls home. The maid answers. He
137says, "Hello. Is my wife there?"
138 "Yes, sir", the maid whispers.
139 "Is she with her lover?"
140 The maid pauses, and then says, "Yes, sir, she is, and I must say
141that I feel terrible about how she treats you."
142 The man yells, "That no good **#*&!!. If you feel as badly as you
143say you do, you must do this for me: go to my dresser and get my gun. Check
144to make sure that it's loaded. Then go upstairs and shoot both that cheating
145two-timing whore and her lover. Dispose of the gun, and then come back to
146the phone and tell me that it's over. Don't worry -- I'll protect you."
147The man hears footsteps, a drawer being opened, a click, more footsteps,
148silence... and then two shots. More footsteps. Finally the maid comes back
149to the phone and says "It's done."
150 The man asks, "What did you do with the gun?"
151 "I threw it behind the statue in the garden", the maid replies.
152 "Statue in the garden? Say, what number is this, anyway?"
153%
154 A cowboy, his horse and his dog were captured by hostile Indians.
155This wasn't really a problem for the animals as the Indians can always use
156them, but the cowboy is informed that he will be burned at the stake the
157following sunrise. That evening, the Indian chief tells the cowboy that
158he can one last wish, within reason, of course, before meeting his fate
159the following morning. The cowboy replies that all he really wants is to
160see his faithful dog, Rex, one last time. When the dog is brought by the
161Indians, the cowboy hugs his companion and whispers something into his ear.
162At once the dog runs off over the hill. Amazingly enough, a few hours later,
163he returns, accompanied by some two dozen prostitutes from a nearby town.
164Needless to say, the braves are delighted and as a reward offer the cowboy
165his dog to keep him company through the rest of the night. When the dog is
166brought forth the cowboy again runs his hand over Rex's head and then bends
167down to whisper into his ear: "This may be my last chance, Rex, so get it
168right this time -- go into town and get the posse!"
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169%
170 A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did
171for a living. "Tim, you be first," she said. "What does your mother do
172all day?"
173 Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor."
174 "That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?"
175 Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a
176mailman."
177 "Thank you, Amie," said the teacher. "What about your father, Billy?"
178 Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a
179whorehouse."
180 The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography.
181Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father
182answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded
183an explanation.
184 Billy's father replied, "Well, I'm really an attorney. But how do
185you explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old child?"
186%
187 A great American Olympic wrestler was receiving last-minute advice
188from his coach about the upcoming match with the Soviet Champion.
9401d887 189 "This Russian guy is really good, very strong and quick. But I think
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190you can take him. Remember, though, like I've told you before, don't let
191him get you in the Pretzel hold. With his strength you'd never get out."
192 The American leaps onto the mat, and within moments the two behemoths
193are going crazy, struggling to get each other pinned. The American slowly
194gains ground and appears that he might actually win on points alone, when, in
195the blink of an eye, the Russian reverses him and whips him into the fatal
196Pretzel hold.
197 The coach, off by the side, shakes his head in dismay, and sits down
198on the bench with his head between his hands. All of a sudden, there's a
199scream and the two wrestlers fly apart, the American regaining control and
200pinning the Russian. After the match, in the dressing room, the coach
201finally gets the winner alone. "Great job! But how the hell did you get out
202of the Pretzel Hold? I thought it was over for sure!"
9401d887 203 "Well, I did too. I was in the hold, about to be pinned, when I saw
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204this huge pair of testicles hanging right in front of my eyes. I figured
205what the hell, so I stretched forward and bit them as hard as I could. Coach,
206you just don't know your own strength 'til you've bitten your own balls!"
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207%
208 A guy finishes his 9 to 5, but, instead of going straight home, stops
209in at a local bar for a drink. He gets his beer, turns around to sit down,
210and finds himself face to face with a ravishing blonde. The two strike up a
211conversation, and really hit it off. After a couple drinks they leave the bar
212go back to her pad, to peruse her etchings. Which doesn't take long -- by
213seven they were happily engaged in intimate scratching.
214 'Round about midnight the guy rolled over in bed and spotted the clock:
215"Midnight! Already! I gotta get home! Honey, you have any baby powder?"
216He jumps out of bed and starts pulling his pants on, trying to find his shoes.
217 "Baby powder?" she asks. But she comes back from the bathroom and
218hands him the powder. He frantically shakes it all over his hands, kisses her
219goodbye, and runs out the front door.
220 He gets home, and sure enough, there's his wife, waiting in the
221doorway.
222 "Okay," she mutters, "let's have it."
223 "Well," he says sheepishly, looking down at his feet. "Okay. I went
224to a bar after work and met a gorgeous blonde and we really hit it off. We
225had a few drinks and went back to her place, and well, see..."
226 "Oh yeah?" she says, "let me see your hands... Don't you lie to me!
227You've been bowling again!"
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228%
229 A man came home from work and as he entered the house he yelled,
230"Hi, honey, I'm home."
231 There was no response. He walked through the house and saw a note
232on the refrigerator. It read "I'm out with the girls and I'll be home about
2338. Either fix yourself something to eat, or wait for me and we'll eat when
234I get home."
235 Well, he decided to wait until his wife returned. However, his
236stomach started to growl and he remembered that he had an apple left over
237from his lunch. He got the apple, polished it a little, and heard the
238doorbell ring. He went to the door and there stood a little blond haired
239girl holding out a little paper bag. "Trick or treat", she said.
240 He looked at the girl, looked at the apple, thought how hungry he
241was, looked at the girl again, and with a slight sigh dropped his apple in
242the bag. The little girl looked down in the bag, looked up again, and
243complained, "You stupid son-of-a-bitch. You broke my cookies!"
244%
245 A man dies and is getting his tour of heaven. His guide is pointing
246out the various features and landmarks when the man asks, "What's that cliff?"
247 "Oh, you don't want to look down there. That's hell!"
248 The man creeps up to the edge and looks over. He sees lush, green
249valleys, verdant farmland and trees everywhere. "This doesn't look so bad,"
250he says.
251 Puzzled, the guide comes over and looks down. "Damn!" he snaps,
252"Those Mormons have been irrigating again!"
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253%
254 A man walks into a bar and orders 3 shots and 3 beers. The
255bartender, seeing that the man is distraught, asks what the problem is.
256 "I just found out that my brother is gay", he replies.
257 About a week later, the same man walks in and orders 6 shots and
2586 chasers. So the bartender inquires, "What's wrong this time?"
259 To which the man says, "I just found out that two of my brothers
260are lovers."
261 Another week goes by and the man comes back to the bar and orders
262NINE shots and NINE beers. The bartenders says "Damn, boy, doesn't anyone
263in your family like pussy?"
264 "Yeah. Me and my sister."
265%
266 A man walks into a bar and says: "I'd like a shot of twelve-year-old
267Scotch". The bartender, who figures the guy is just being obnoxious, reaches
268down under the bar and pours him a shot of bar Scotch. The man takes one sip
269and says: "Hey, bartender, I asked you for some twelve-year-old Scotch -- this
270is eight-year-old Scotch."
271 The bartender reaches behind the bar for the twelve-year-old Scotch,
272pours a shot, hands it to the man and says "I've got to hand it to you --
273most guys who come in here asking for twelve-year-old Scotch have never even
274had it -- they're just being pricks. But you really know your Scotch -- this
275is on the house."
276 A drunk has been sitting at the other end of the bar watching this
277conversation. He walks up to the man, hands him a glass and says "Taste this."
278The man does -- and spits it out yelling, "This tastes like piss!" To which
279the drunk replies, "It is -- but how old am I?"
280%
281 A man walks into a bar with a Leprechaun on his shoulder. He walks
282up to the bar and sits down, ordering a beer for himself and one for the
283little Leprechaun.
284 After a few beers, the Leprechaun jumps down off the guy's shoulder,
285struts down the bar and comes to a stop in front of a rather large construction
286worker. Looking the guy right in the eye, he gives him a rather large, damp,
287Bronx cheer. And trots back to sit on his buddy's shoulder. The worker is
288pretty upset, but decides to shine on this rather offensive breach of manners.
289 After another beer and a half though, the Leprechaun hops down and
290walks over to his previous victim and goes "PPPPHHHHHHHBBBBTTTTTT" again.
291Well, that's too much, and the victim knocks the Leprechaun off the bar and,
292after walking over to stand very close to the Leprechaun's escort, tells him
293in a rather overloud voice, that if it happens again, he's going to "cut off
294his little dick!"
295 Replies the escort, "Leprechauns don't have dicks."
296 "Yeah? Well, then," asks the big man, how does he take a piss?"
297 "PPPPHHHHHHHBBBBTTTTTT!!!!"
298%
299 A man was just settling down into his seat for a cross-country
300flight when he noticed a beautiful woman sitting next to him, wearing a
301large button with the letters "NAA" on it.
302 "What's that?" he asked, pointing to her button.
303 "Nymphomaniacs Association of America" she replied.
304 After a moments thought he said, "Well, if you wouldn't mind my
305asking, but I've always wanted to know, who are the best, ummm, `endowed'
306men?"
307 "Well, it's not what you think. Native Americans. They're better
308hung than *anybody*."
309 "And is it true that the French are the best lovers?"
310 "No, Jewish men. Once you finally get them going they can last
311all night. By the way, my name is Sue. What's yours?"
312 "Running Bear Sheldon."
313%
314 A man was traveling cross-country one summer from New York to LA.
315He arrived in Needles, CA late one night and pulled into an Exxon for some
316gas. When he pulled up to the gas pumps, he noticed that all of the lights
317were off. Suddenly, he heard a faint sound from outside. He wasn't sure
318what he'd heard, so he rolled down his window and heard a faint cry,
319"Help... help... help". He got out of his car, and sure enough there was
320a guy stooped down in the corner, stark naked with his wrists tied to his
321ankles. He walked up to the guy and said, "Hey, man, what happened to you?"
322 "These guys pulled me out of my car, took my money, my wallet, my
323clothes, tied my wrists to my ankles, and then stole my car!!"
324 "Damn!", replied the first man as he unzipped his pants. "This just
325hasn't been your day, has it?"
326%
327 A man went to a doctor to have his penis enlarged. Well, this
328particular procedure involved splicing a baby elephant's trunk onto the
329man's penis. Overjoyed, the man went out with his best girl to a very
330fancy restaurant. After cocktails, the man's penis crept out of his pants,
331felt around the table, grabbed a hard roll and quickly disappeared under
332the tablecloth. The girl was startled and exclaimed, "What was that?"
333 Suddenly the penis came back, took another hard roll and just as
334quickly disappeared. The girl was silent for a moment, then finally said,
335"I don't believe I saw what I think I just saw... can you do that again?"
336 With a bit of an uncomfortable smile the man replied, "Honey, I'd
337like to, but I don't think my ass can take another hard roll!"
338%
339 A Mexican and a Texan worked together for a construction firm, and,
340while they were good friends, they had a friendly rivalry over whose wife
341was the better cook. One weekend, as the Texan's wife was out of town, the
342Mexican invited the Texan to have supper with his family.
343 The Texan accepted, and that evening sat down to some the best stew
344that he had ever eaten.
345 "Damn! That stew is fantastic!" he exclaimed to his host. "What
346kind of meat is it?"
347 "Rabbeet stew," replied the Mexican.
348 "Rabbit?" replied the Texan. "There aren't any rabbits around here."
349 "Si, my freend, the rabbeets make the beeg noise, and I shoot theem."
350 "Rabbits don't make any noise..."
351 "Si, my freend, they say meeyow, meeyow!"
352%
353 A mother and her daughter came to the doctor's office. The mother
354asked the doctor to examine her daughter. "She has been having some strange
355symptoms and I'm worried about her," the mother said.
356 The doctor examined the daughter carefully. Then he announced,
357"Madam, I believe your daughter is pregnant."
358 The mother gasped. "That's nonsense!" she said. "Why, my little
359girl has never even been out with a man, let alone... let alone..." She
360turns to the girl and said, "Tell the doctor, Susie!"
361 "Yes, Mumsy," said the girl. "Doctor, I have never so much as
362kissed a man!"
363 The doctor looked from the mother to daughter, and back again. Then,
364silently he stood up and walked to the window. He stared out. He continued
365staring until the mother felt compelled to ask, "Doctor, is there something
366wrong out there?"
367 "No, Madam," said the doctor. "It's just that the last time anything
368like this happened, a star appeared in the East and I was looking to see if
369another one was going to show up."
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370%
371 A proper elderly English couple visiting Australia decided to hire a
372car to take a look at the outback. "We know it's rough country, but it's safe
373and decent, isn't it?" the husband inquired of the rental-agency manager.
374Upon being assured that it was, the couple drove off.
375 Later that day, they returned, upset and angry. "You said it was
376decent country," the Englishwoman upbraided the rental agent, "but we hadn't
377driven too far when we saw a man in a field copulating with a kangaroo!"
378 "And not too long after that," complained her husband, "a one-legged
379aborigine leaning against a tree by the side of the road grinningly waved
380at us with one hand while he brazenly masturbated himself with the other!"
381 "Guv'nor," responded the Aussie, "yer wouldn't expect a poor bugger
382like that, with only one leg, to catch a 'roo, would you?"
383%
384 A secretary entered her boss's office with the announcement: "I have
385some good news and some bad news."
386 He muttered, "It's quarterly report day, Sally -- just the good news."
387 She replied, "You're not sterile."
388%
5e79e90c 389 A sociologist, a psychologist, and an engineer were discussing the
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390consequences and implications of a married man's having a mistress. The
391sociologist's opinion was that it is absolutely and categorically unforgivable
392for a married man to forfeit the bond of matrimony, and engage in such lowly
393and lustful pursuits.
394 The psychologist's opinion was that although morally reprehensible,
395if a man MUST have a mistress to achieve his full potential as a human being,
396then -- well -- he may go ahead and choose to have a mistress, as long as he
397is considerate enough to keep this secret from his wife.
398 The engineer then interjected: "I also believe that, if necessary,
399a married man is entitled to a mistress. However, I do not see why the
400affair should be concealed from the wife. On the contrary, if the affair
401is out in the open, then on Friday evenings he may tell his wife that he
402is going to see his mistress, tell his mistress that he is going to be with
403his wife, then go to his office and get some work done!"
404%
405 A strange looking white man came to the Indian reservation looking
406for a job. He asked to talk to the Chief of the tribe, so he might give his
407qualifications. The Chief strode forward from the group surrounding the
408white man and said: "You leave! No job!"
409 The man explained that this was no ordinary job he was seeking, but
410that of tribe Medicine-Man. He would convince him if the Chief would allow
411him to demonstrate his magic. "No magic!" said the disbelieving Chief.
412 "Oh, yeah?", said the stranger. "I'll prove it to you by making
413your dog, here, talk!"
414 "Dog, no talk!" responded the Chief, but before he could finish, he
415heard a voice coming out of the mouth of the dog saying, "The Chief treats me
416good. He feeds me, and keeps me in teepee when it snows!"
417 "If you still have doubts as to my magic," continued the stranger,
418"the next voice you'll hear will be that of your horse!"
419 "Horse, no talk!" argued the still-sceptical Chief, but again he
420heard a voice that said: "I am the Chief's favorite horse. He takes me up to
421the green pasture to eat and brushes my coat when I get dirty."
422 The stranger, still seeing some disbelieving faces, claimed for his
423final trick he would make the Chief's sheep talk.
424 "NO!" cried the Chief, "SHEEP LIE!"
425%
426 A ten-year-old kid came home from school one day, and when his mom
427asked how was school he says: "Gee, great, mom. I got laid!"
428 She's shocked and sends him upstairs, where his dad finds him after
429work. "Mommy told me about your day at school, Billy, and I think we men
430should keep it a secret. Women just don't understand these things."
431 So every night Dad goes up to Billy's room after Mom tucks him in:
432"You get laid today, Billy?"
433 "Yeah, Dad."
434 "How was it?"
435 "Real neat, Dad, I liked it a lot."
436 "Good Boy!".
437 A month later: "You get laid today?"
438 "No, Dad."
439 "No? How come?"
440 "Gee, Dad, my ass is getting really sore."
441%
442 A white man was traveling with Indian (American) out West. The
443Indian stops, puts his ear to the ground, and says, "Buffalo come."
444 The white man looks around in all directions, sees nothing for
445miles and asks the Indian how the hell he knows that.
446 Replies the Indian, "Ear wet."
447 -- Lily Tomlin, "The Search for Signs of Intelligent
448 Life in the Universe"
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449%
450 A young couple jumped out of their car and dashed into the park.
451They hurriedly found a secluded spot and began to make frenzied, passionate
452love. Shortly thereafter, as they were driving away, the young man turned
453to her and said, "If I had known you were a virgin, I'd have taken more time."
454 She replied, "If I had known you had more time, I'd have taken off
455my pantyhose."
456%
457 A young man asked his father to lend him $50 for a blowjob,
458whereupon his father solemnly replied, "When I was young we used to
459settle for a kiss."
460 The son retorted, "OK, how about $50 for a long low kiss?"
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461%
462 All he did was take the ball and run every time they called his
463number -- which came to be more and more often, and in the Super Bowl Thomas
464was the whole show. But the season is now over; the purse is safe in the
465vault; and Duane Thomas is facing two to twenty for possession. Nobody really
466expects him to serve time, but nobody seems to think he'll be playing for
467Dallas next year either, and a few sporting people who claim to know how the
468NFL works say he won't be playing for ANYBODY next year; that the Commissioner
469is outraged at this mockery of all those Government-sponsored "Beware of Dope"
470TV shots that dressed up the screen last autumn.
471 We all enjoyed those spots, but not everyone found them convincing.
472Here was a White House directive saying several million dollars would be spent
473to drill dozens of Name Players to stare at the camera and try to stop grinding
474their teeth long enough to say they hate drugs of any kind... and then the best
475running back in the world turns out to be a goddamn uncontrollable drugsucker.
476 But not for long. There is not much room for freaks in the National
477Football League. Joe Namath was saved by the simple blind luck of getting
478drafted by a team in New York City, a place where social outlaws are not
479always viewed as criminals. But Namath would have had a very different trip
480if he'd been drafted by the St. Louis Cardinals.
481 -- Hunter S. Thompson
482%
483 An Aggie was appointed ambassador to Japan. Two weeks before
484officially reporting to the embassy, he went from geisha house to geisha
485house. While making love to a geisha girl, he heard her repeat, "Yaki-san,
486yaki-san."
487 Right away the Aggie thought to himself, "I've learned my first
488Japanese word. It must be an expression of joy."
489 When he reported to the embassy, he received his first assignment,
490which was to escort the prime minister of Japan around the golf course.
491After having played a couple of holes, the prime minister teed-off and made
492a hole-in-one. The prime minister jumped up and down shouting, "Bonsai!
493Bonsai!"
494 Quickly, thinking that this was the perfect chance to show off the
495new Japanese word that he'd learned, the Aggie exclaimed, "Yaki-san,
496yaki-san!"
497 The prime minister turned to the Aggie in surprise and exclaimed,
498"What do you mean, wrong hole?"
499%
500 An American tourist went into a restaurant in a Spanish provincial
501city and asked to be served the specialty of the house. When the dish
502arrived he asked what kind of meat it contained. "These, senor," explained
503the waiter in halting English, "are the cojones -- the, what you say, the
504testicles -- of the bull killed in the ring today.
505 The tourist gulped but tasted the dish and found it delicious.
506Returning the following evening, he asked for the same dish. When it was
507served, he commented to the waiter, "But these -- these cojones -- are
508much smaller than the ones I had yesterday."
509 "True, senor, but the bull -- he does not ALWAYS lose."
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510%
511 An Israeli soldier was checking travelers' papers on a road, when a
512man and a heavily pregnant woman on a donkey came by. "Your names please?"
5e79e90c 513said the soldier.
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514 "My name is Mary," said the woman.
515 "And mine is Joseph," said the man.
516 "Oh," said the soldier, a little taken aback, "And where are you
517going?"
518 "To Bethlehem."
519 "Your reason for going there?"
520 "To pay our taxes to the government."
521 "Tell me," said the soldier, "are you going to name the baby Jesus?"
522 "Of course not," said the woman, "What do you think we are, Puerto
523Ricans?"
524%
525 An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the
526remains of her cat. As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver,
527"I have a dead pussy."
528 The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said,
529"Sit with my wife. You two have a lot in common."
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530%
531 And Jesus said unto them, "And whom do you say that I am?"
532 They replied, "You are the eschatological manifestation of the
533ground of our being, the ontological foundation of the context of our
534very selfhood revealed."
535 And Jesus replied, "What?"
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536%
537 Are you a Young Urban Professional Woman? If so, you know how
538Yuppie women are; cold, ruthless bitches with no time for love, and only
539an occasional weekend for sex. Your one "hot date" with Joe Fastrack,
540rising corporate star, ended in disaster. Yesterday you heard him telling
43920920 541a friend over lunch, "The woman must masturbate with popsicles!" Well,
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542all is not lost! SofSqueeze can change your nickname to Electrolux in just
54315 minutes a day!
544 SofSqueeze is a pressure sensitive device (divided into appropriate
545sections) that plugs into the serial port of most home computers. Through
546the magic of biofeedback, SofSqueeze teaches you control over your vaginal
547muscles. With our exciting, easy-to-follow software you'll master the
548"Cincinnati Squeeze", the "Irresistible", the "California Crusher", and,
549of course, the perennial favorite, "Milking Time Down on the Farm". Or,
550using our exclusive Interactive Mode, invent your own!
551 SofSqueeze is made of sturdy ABS plastic, and is completely
552immersible for easy cleaning. SofSqueeze's flesh-toned exterior is finely
553textured for a realistic effect. Requires 4K RAM, a DB25 serial port and
554limited graphics capability. Comes fully assembled, with 4 AA batteries.
555%
556 Attracted by repeated newspaper advertisements, and realizing that
557his waist had gone both East and West despite his daily racquetball, a young
558executive appeared at a local health resort. Looking over the several weight
559loss plans offered, he selected one guaranteed to reduce his weight by two
5e79e90c 560pounds per day. After a light breakfast, and an almost non-existent lunch, he
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561was escorted to a large room, where a young, attractive woman told him that
562"if he caught her, he could have her". After an hour of hard running, he
563finally gave up; and weighing himself, was comforted to realize that he had
564lost just under three pounds. Returning the next week, he chose the plan that
565was to reduce his weight by four pounds per session. After following the same
566regimen, he was again escorted to a large room, but after two hours of running,
567he caught the young woman. Weight loss, just over four pounds. Returning the
568following week, he chose to lose eight pounds in a single day. He was shown
5e79e90c 569to the largest room he'd seen, by far, where he was confronted by an extremely
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570muscular, burly man, who looked him square in the eye, flung his towel into
571a corner, and snarled, "You know the rules. Start running!"
572%
573 Barbra Walters was doing a documentary on the customs of American
574Indians. After a tour of a reservation they were on, she was curious as to
575the number of feathers in the headdresses. She asked a brave who had only
576one feather in his headdress. His reply was, "Me have only one squaw, me
577have only one feather." She asked another brave, feeling the first fellow
578was only joking. This brave had four feathers in his headdress. He replied,
579"Me have four feathers, because me sleep with four squaws."
580 Still not convinced the number of feathers indicated the number of
581squaws involved, she decided to interview the Chief. Now the Chief had a
582headdress full of feathers which, needless to say, amused Ms. Walters.
583Ms. W: "Why do you have so many feathers in your headdress?"
584Chief: "Me Chief, me fuck-em all, big, small, fat, tall,
585 me fuck-em all."
586Ms. W: "You ought to be hung!"
587Chief: "You damned right, me hung. Big like buffalo, long like snake."
588Ms. W: "You don't have to be so hostile!"
589Chief: "Hoss-style, dog-style, wolf-style, any-style, me fuck-em all."
590Ms. W: "Oh, dear!"
591Chief: "No deer, me no fuck deer. Asshole too high and fuckers run
592 too fast."
593%
594 Before he went off to the wars, King Arthur locked his lovely wife,
595Guinevere, into her chastity belt. Then he summoned his loyal friend and
596subject Sir Lancelot. "Lancelot, noble knight," said Arthur, "within this
597sturdy belt is imprisoned the virtue of my wife. The key to this chaste
598treasure I will entrust to only one man in the world. To you."
599 Humbled before this great honor, Lancelot knelt, received his king's
600blessing and took charge of the key. Arthur mounted his steed and rode off.
601Not half a mile from his castle, he heard hoofbeats behind him and turned to
602see Sir Lancelot riding hard to catch up with him.
603 "What is amiss, my friend?" asked the king.
604 "My lord," gasped Lancelot, "you have given me the wrong key!"
605%
606 Bill had just returned from a week of honeymooning, and his best
607friend asked him how it went.
608 "The first night we did it nine times," Bill said. "The second
609night, eight times. The third night, seven times. The fourth night, six
610times. The fifth night, five times. The sixth night, four times, and the
611last night, nothing!"
612 "Nothing?" his pal asked. "How come?"
613 "Hey, you ever tried putting a marshmallow in a parking meter?"
984263bc 614%
43920920 615 "Can you hammer a 6-inch spike into a wooden plank with your
616penis?"
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617 "Uh, not right now."
618 "Tsk, tsk. A girl has to have *some* standards."
43920920 619 -- "Real Genius"
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620%
621 Churchill was known to drain a glass or two and, after one
622particularly convivial evening, he chanced to encounter Miss Bessie Braddock,
623a Socialist member of the House of Commons, who, upon seeing his condition,
624said, "Winston, you're drunk." Mustering all his dignity, Churchill drew
625himself up to his full height, cocked an eyebrow and rejoined, "Shove it up
626your ass, you ugly cunt."
627 When the noted playwright George Bernard Shaw sent him two tickets to
628the opening night of his new play with a note that read: "Bring a friend, if
629you have one," Churchill, not to be outdone, promptly wired back: "You and
630your play can go fuck yourselves."
631 At an elegant dinner party, Lady Astor once leaned across the table
632to remark, "If you were my husband, Winston, I'd poison your coffee." "And
633if you were my wife, I'd beat the shit out of you," came Churchill's
634unhesitating retort.
635 -- "The Churchill Wit", National Lampoon
636%
637 "Daddy?"
638 "Yes son."
639 "Wha-wha-wha-what does regret mean?"
640 "Well, son, a funny thing about regret is that it's better to regret
641something you have done, than to regret something you haven't done. And by
43920920 642the way, if you see your Mom this weekend, would you be sure and tell her,
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643`SATAN, SATAN, SATAN!!!'"
644 -- Butthole Surfers, "Sweat Loaf"
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645%
646 "Darling", said the young bride, "tell me what's bothering you.
647We promised to share all our joys and sorrows, remember?"
648 "But this is different," protested her husband.
649 "Together, darling," she insisted, "we will bear the burden.
650Now tell me what our problem is."
651 "Well," said the husband, "we've just become the father of a
652bastard child."
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653%
654 Desperate about the state of her social life, a young woman resorted
655to the Personal Ads in the back of her local paper. In the ad she made it
656quite clear that what she was advertising for was an expert lover; she already
657had plenty of sensitive friends and meaningful relationships and what she
658now wanted was to get laid, to put it bluntly. Phone calls started coming
659in, with each caller testifying to his sexual prowess, but none quite struck
660the young woman's fancy. Until one night her doorbell rang. Opening the door
661she found a man with no arms or legs, who informed her that he was there in
662response to her advertisement. "I'm terribly sorry," she stammered, "but my
663ad was quite explicit. I'm really looking for something of a sexual expert,
664and you... uh... don't have all the..."
665 "Listen," the man interrupted her, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
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666%
667 During a session with a marriage counselor, the wife snapped at her
668husband: "That's not true, I do enjoy sex!" Then, turning to the counselor,
669she added: "But this fiend expects it three or four times a year!"
670%
671 Ed, a traveling salesman, had his car break down in the middle of a
672blizzard. He trudged to a nearby farmhouse where the farmer told him that,
673while they were short of beds, he could sleep with his daughter. She proved
5e79e90c 674to be eighteen and beautiful. So they went to bed, and shortly, Ed made a
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675pass at the daughter. "Stop that!" she said. "I'll call my father."
676 He desisted. But half an hour later he made another attempt. "Uh,
677stop ... that," she said. "I'll call my father."
678 But she moved closer to him, so he made a third try. This time, no
679protest, no threat. Just as Ed, satisfied, was about to drowse off, she
680tugged at his pajama sleeve. "Could we do that again?" she asked.
681 Ed obliged, and this time fell asleep only to be awakened by the
682tug at his sleeve. "Again?"
683 And again Ed obliged. But when his sleep was once more interrupted
684by the tugging at his pajama sleeve, Ed indignantly pulled it away from her
685and mumbled, "Stop that! Or I'll call your father."
686%
687 Elroy stared at Barb and then leaned quietly over to Shake Tiller
688and stuck out his hand. "Son," he said. "Tell the truth. It ain't better
689than fried chicken, is it?"
690 Shake looked solemnly at Elroy, clasping his hand, and said:
691 "I got to be dead honest, Roy."
692 And Elroy said yeah, lay it on him.
693 Shake said slowly, "For a Lesbian who gave up the only real love she
694ever knew -- Sister Francis at Our Lady of Victory -- and for a person who
695can't make it any more with nothing but an electric toothbrush, she's the
696finest I've ever had."
697 -- Dan Jenkins, "Semi-Tough"
698%
699 Ever thought of putting a ferret down your pants? Yes, ferrets,
700those weasel-like animals originally trained to hunt rats and possessing
701needle sharp claws and razor sharp teeth. The English do it for sport.
5e79e90c 702 Ferret Legging involves the tying of a competitor's trousers at
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703the ankles and then dropping into the trousers a couple of vicious ferrets.
704No jockstraps or underwear allowed -- nothing but the bodies' own. The
705ferrets must be young and in good condition. Neither the ferret or the
706contestant may be drugged or drunk -- cold eyed sober only. The trousers
707should be loose fitting, to allow the ferret to scramble from one leg to
708the other, and are traditionally white, so that the blood shows better.
709 Normal contestants are able to keep them down for up to 40 seconds.
710The champion ferret legger, Reg Mellor, of Yorkshire, holds the world record
711of 5 hours and 26 minutes. Mr. Mellor's claims that being the champion is
712not so much heroism but, "You just got to be able to have your tool bitten
713and not care."
714%
715 Every morning, the crowd on Coney Island beach was startled to see
716a jogger with the build of a pro football player but a head the size of a
717baseball. Finally, some brave young man got up the nerve to stop him and
718ask, "What happened to give you such a small head?"
719 The jogger sadly told the story of finding a magic lamp on the beach,
720which produced a beautiful genie when rubbed. The genie said, "I now give
721you one wish. Do you want a quick fuck or a little head?"
722%
723 Everyone in the smart nightclub was amazed by the old gentleman,
724obviously pushing 70, tossing off manhattans and cavorting around the dance
725floor like a 20-year old. Finally curiosity got the best of the cigarette
726girl. "I beg your pardon, sir," she said, "but I'm amazed to see a gentleman
727of your age living it up like a youngster. Tell me, are all of your faculties
728unimpaired?"
729 The old fellow looked up at the girl sadly and shook his head. "Not
730all, I'm afraid." he said. "Just last evening I went nightclubbing with a
731girlfriend -- we drank and danced all night and finally rolled into her place
732about two A.M. We went to bed immediately, and I was asleep almost as soon
733as my head hit the pillow. I woke around three-thirty and nudged my girl."
734 "Why, George," she said in surprise, "we did that fifteen minutes ago."
735 "So you see," the old boy said sadly, "my memory is beginning to
736fail me."
737%
738 Farmer Johnson was drunk again.
739 "You know, Anna," he said to his long-suffering wife, "if you could
740only lay eggs we could get rid of all those damn chickens."
741 Anna said nothing. Farmer Johnson tried again. "You know, Anna, if
742only you could give milk we could get rid of that expensive herd of cows."
743 Anna looked at him coolly. "You know, Jack," she said, "if only you
744could get it up once in a while we could get rid of your brother Bob."
745%
746 "First, I'm going to buy you a few drinks and get you a little tight,"
747said the guy aggressively.
748 "Oh, no, you're not," said the girl.
749 "Then I'll take you to dinner at the most exclusive restaurant in
750town."
751 "Oh, no, you won't."
752 "Then I'll take you to my apartment and mix up a pitcher of daiquiris."
753 "Oh, no, you won't."
754 "Then I'm going to make violent, mad, passionate love to you."
755 "Oh, no, you're not."
756 "And I'm not going to take any precautions either!" said the guy.
757 "Oh, yes, you are!!" said the girl.
758%
759 For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief
760vacations at this country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an
761affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting
762few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped
763short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!
764 "Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?"
765he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married,
766and the baby would have my name!"
767 "Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition,
768we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and finally decided it would be
769better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."
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770%
771 "God built a compelling sex drive into every creature, no
772matter what style of fucking it practiced. He made sex irresistibly
773pleasurable, wildly joyous, free from fears. He made it innocent
774merriment.
775 "Needless to say, fucking was an immediate smash hit. Everyone
776agreed, from aardvarks to zebras. All the jolly animals -- lions and
777lambs, rhinoceroses and gazelles, skylarks and lobsters, even insects,
778though most of them fuck only once in a lifetime -- fucked along
779innocently and merrily for hundreds of millions of years. Maybe they
780were dumb animals, but they knew a good thing when they had one."
781 -- Alan Sherman, "The Rape of the A*P*E*"
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782%
783 Harry was delighted when he found a young woman who accepted his
784proposal of marriage as he was pretty sensitive about his artificial leg
785and afraid that no one would have him. In fact, he couldn't bring himself
786to tell his fiancee about his leg when he slipped the ring on her finger,
787nor when she bought the dress, nor when they picked the time and place.
788All he kept saying was, "Darling, I've got a big surprise for you," at which
789she blushed and smiled bewitchingly.
790 The wedding came and went, and the young couple were at last alone
791in their honeymoon suite. "Now don't forget, Harry, you promised me a big
792surprise," smiled the bride.
793 Unable to say a word, Harry turned out the lights, unstrapped his
794leg, slipped into bed, and placed his wife's hand on the stump.
795 "Hmmmmm," she said softly, "that IS a surprise. But pass me the
796Vaseline and I'll see what I can do!"
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797%
798 "Hello, Police Department."
799 "This is Thomas Parrish, 903 Sylvester Court. I've just been sexually
800molested by a pervert, right here in my own home. It was horrifying!"
801 "Just remain calm, sir, and tell me about it."
802 "Well, the man came in the window wearing a ski mask. I was napping
803on the bed, in just my pajamas, and the TV set was on so I didn't hear anything.
804Suddenly he had his great big old calloused hand over my mouth, holding me down.
805I tried to scream... he was pulling my pants off. I was so frightened! He
806held a knife to my throat and undressed so quickly. What could I do? I
807couldn't stop him. He was huge. A great, hairy, beefy man, more than fifty
808pounds heavier than I am, and hung like... Oh! it was terrible. He had an
809erection, and he knelt on my shoulders and forced the awful thing down my
810throat; forced me to suck it. Yes, officer! There was no escaping this man.
811Finally, when I thought I would faint, he got off me and turned me over on
812my tummy, forcing my legs apart with his knees, and oh! I'm so embarrassed to
813say it, he put that huge thing... It must have been a foot long, and I don't
814know how thick... into my... Just a minute."
815 "What's the matter, mister?"
816 "Listen, I have to hang up now, he's getting out of the shower."
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817%
818 "I know a life of crime led me to this sorry state. I blame
819society. Society made me what I am today!"
820 "That's bullshit Archie. You're just a young suburban punk
821like me."
822 "It still... hurts... auugghh!"
823 "You're going to be okay..."
824 "...gurgle..."
825 "... maybe not."
826 -- Repo Man
827%
828 "I need a camel that can go without water for at least three weeks,"
829the American said to an Algerian camel merchant. "Is it possible?"
830 "All things are possible," replied the merchant. He proceeded to
831take a camel out of his barn and lead him to a tank of water. After the
832camel had drunk its fill and was about to lift its head out of the tank,
833the merchant picked up two nearby bricks, one in each hand, stepped behind
834the camel, and smacked his testicles with the bricks.
835 The camel let out a gigantic "Whhoooosh!" and sucked up what seemed
836like twenty more gallons of water.
837 The American stared incredulously at the camel merchant. "My God,
838man!" he exclaimed, "doesn't that hurt?!"
839 The merchant shrugged. "Only if you get your thumbs in between the
840bricks."
841%
842 "I think my wife may be getting somewhat overweight.
843 "Oh, how can you tell?"
844 "Well, last night when she sat on my face, I couldn't
845hear the stereo."
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846%
847 In the beginning was the DEMO Project. And the Project was
848without form. And darkness was upon the staff members thereof. So
849they spake unto their Division Head, saying, "It is a crock of shit,
850and it stinks."
851
852 And the Division Head spake unto his Department Head, saying,
853"It is a crock of excrement and none may abide the odor thereof." Now,
854the Department Head spake unto his Directorate Head, saying, "It is a
855container of excrement, and is very strong, such that none may abide
856before it." And it came to pass that the Directorate Head spake unto
857the Assistant Technical Director, saying, "It is a vessel of fertilizer
858and none may abide by its strength."
859
860 And the assistant Technical Director spake thus unto the
861Technical Director, saying, "It containeth that which aids growth and
862it is very strong." And, Lo, the Technical Director spake then unto
863the Captain, saying, "The powerful new Project will help promote the
864growth of the Laboratories."
865
866 And the Captain looked down upon the Project, and He saw that
867it was Good!
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868%
869 It seems there were two young Marines walking down the street, and
870they chanced upon a lady who was both very proper and very well endowed.
871One of them said, "Wow! What tits! Hey lady, would I love to snuggle up with
872them for awhile. What are you doing this afternoon?"
873 Well, the other Marine thought that was just about the most shameful
874thing he had ever witnessed, and felt that he had to restore the honor of the
875Corps. "Pardon my friend, Ma'am," he apologized, "He's not been very well
876brought up and don't know how to talk to cunt."
877%
878 It was April the 41st, being a quadruple leap year. I was driving
879in downtown Atlantis. My Barracuda was in the shop, so I was in a rented
880Stingray, and it was overheating. So I pulled into a Shell station. They
881said I'd blown a seal. I said, "Fix the damn thing and leave my private
882life out of it, okay, pal?" While they were doing that, I walked over to the
883Oyster Bar. A real dive. But I knew the owner. He used to play for the
884Dolphins. I said "Hi, Gil!" You have to yell -- he's hard of herring.
885 -- Kip Addotta, "Wet Dream"
886%
887 It was in a bar in midtown Manhattan and the Frenchman and the
888American were talking about love over some dry Martinis. "Deed you know,
889sir," the Frenchman said, "that een my country thair are 79 different
890ways how to make the REAL, passionate luff?"
891 "Do tell?" said the American. "Well, that's amazing. In this
892country there's only one."
893 "Just one?" the Frenchman said, condescendingly. "And what eez
894that?"
895 "Well, there's a man and a woman, and --"
896 "Sacre bleu!!" exclaimed the Frenchman. "Numbair 80!"
897%
898 "Jean, what is this attraction between Catholic girls and
899Jewish men?"
900 "You really want to know?"
901 "Yeah."
902 "Well, Carol, Jewish men are great in bed... right, Bob? And
903Catholic girls fuck like bunnies."
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904%
905 Many lower life forms demonstrate qualities that, at first, just don't
906seem survival oriented. For instance, the female praying mantis, after mating
907with, well, her mate, will devour him. For the male praying mantis, however,
908it's a catch-22. If he mates, he gets screwed out of an opportunity to mate
909again. If he doesn't mate, he doesn't reproduce, ending his family tree. This
910suicidal behavior is commonly called the Preying Mantis Syndrome -- and many
911life forms are periodically subject to its wrath. How did the preying mantis
5e79e90c 912become stuck in such an awful, vicious cycle? This is probably what happened:
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913 The male mantis arrives at the residence of the female mantis. After
914some courtship exercises (dinner, a movie, inserting the diaphragm) they mate.
915The female mantis, her lust for... lust being satisfied, relaxes while the
916male raids the refrigerator and returns home. This behavior continues until
917the male and female (mantissas?) establish a permanent relationship. Then the
918male establishes a new pattern of behavior: Football on Mondays, baseball on
919Tuesdays, happy hour on Wednesdays, uh, well, uh, working-late-at-the-office
920on Thursdays, etc. etc. The female tolerates this for awhile, then files for
921a divorce. After a long court battle, she concludes one thing: It simplifies
922matters tremendously to just eat him when you're done with him.
923 Well, through the centuries of evolution, the Preying Mantis Syndrome
924has been carried up to the highest life forms, as well as to humans. That is
925why, one week out of every month, the female of the species will feel compelled
926to bite the head off of the male. The Syndrome is inescapable, but when it
927occurs in the female of our species, it's best to just avoid them for a while.
928%
929 Mr. Hersh came home to find his wife sitting naked in front of the
930mirror, admiring her breasts.
931 "And what do you think you're doing?" he asked.
932 "I went to the doctor today and he said I have the breasts of a
933twenty-five-year-old."
934 "Oh yeah? And what did he have to say about your forty-year-old
935ass?"
936 "Nothing," she replied. "Your name didn't come up at all."
937%
938 Murray and Esther, a middle-aged Jewish couple, are touring Chile.
939Murray just got a new camera and is constantly snapping pictures. One day,
940without knowing it, he photographs a top-secret military installation. In
941an instant, armed troops surround Murray and Esther and hustle them off to
942prison.
943 They can't prove who they are because they've left their passports
944in their hotel room. For three weeks they're tortured day and night to get
945them to name their contacts in the liberation movement... Finally they're
946hauled in front of a military court, charged with espionage, and sentenced
947to death.
948 The next morning they're lined up in front of the wall where they'll
949be shot. The sergeant in charge of the firing squad asks them if they have
950any last requests. Esther wants to know if she can call her daughter in
951Chicago. The sergeant says he's sorry, that's not possible, and turns to
952Murray.
953 "This is crazy!" Murray shouts. "We're not spies!" And he
954spits in the sergeants face.
955 "Murray!" Esther cries. "Please! Don't make trouble."
956 -- Arthur Naiman
957%
958 "My husband commits an inconceivable act of perversion with a
959barnyard animal, and it's not central to my case?!"
960 "Not in California."
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961%
962 Never take a resume seriously. Resumes only make money for the
963people who write the resumes. No resume ever tells an employer how many
964times a job applicant has had the clap.
965 Why, indeed, would anyone hire a person based on a resume written
966by a professional liar?
967 If the applicant is a man, the employer must ask only one question:
968did the applicant go to TCU?
969 If the applicant is a woman, the employer may simply ask: does she
970have a tongue that can lick the paint off a dormitory wall?
971 -- Dan Jenkins, "Baja Oklahoma"
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972%
973 Once in a medieval times...there was a King who was getting sort of
974bored after dinner one night. He decided to hold a contest of who at the
975court had the mightiest "weapon". The first knight stood up and proclaimed
976that he had the mightiest weapon... he pulled down his pants and tied a 5
977pound weight around it. The weapon doth rose. The crowds cheered... the
978women swooned... the children waved multi-colored banners... and the band
979played appropriate music.
980 Another knight stood up and claimed that he had the mightiest weapon.
981He dropped his pants and tied a 10 pound weight to himself. The weapon doth
982rose. The crowds cheered... the women swooned... the children waved
983multi-colored banners... and the band played appropriate music.
984 After several more knights tried to prove their superiority... the
985King finally spoke out. "I have the mightiest weapon of them all!" He dropped
986his pants and tied, not a 10 pound, not a 20 pound, not ever a thirty pound,
987but a 40 pound weight, plus a coffee pot, to himself. The weapon doth rose.
988The crowds cheered... the women swooned... the children waved multi-colored
989banners... and the band played "God Save the Queen."
990%
991 One day a mother and daughter are walking around a farming community
992and they see a stallion mounting a mare. The daughter takes in the scene and
993turns to her mother. "Mommy, what are those two horses doing?"
994 Her mother hastily answered, "The horse on top hurt its hoof, and the
995one on the bottom is carrying him back to the stable."
996 The daughter shook her head and sadly replied, "Isn't that just the
997way it goes? Try to help someone and you get fucked."
998%
999 One night when his charge was pretty high, Micro-Farad decided to
1000seek out a cute little coil to let him discharge. He picked up Milli-Amp
1001and took her for a ride on his Megacycle. They rode across the Wheatstone
1002bridge, around the sine waves, and stopped in the magnetic field by the
1003flowing current. Micro-Farad, attracted by Milli-Amp's characteristic curves,
1004soon had her fully charged and excited, her resistance to a minimum. He laid
1005her on the ground potential, raised her frequency, and lowered her reluctance.
1006He pulled out his high voltage probe and inserted it into her socket,
1007connecting them in parallel and began short circuiting her resistance shunt.
1008Fully excited, Milli-Amp mumbled: "OHM-OHM-OHM."
1009 With his tube operating at a maximum and her field vibrating with
1010his current flow, it caused her shunt to overheat, and Micro-Farad was rapidly
1011discharged and drained of every electron. They Fluxed all night trying
1012various connections and sockets until his magnet had a soft core and lost
1013all of its field strength.
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1014 Afterwards, Milli-Amp tried self-induction and damaged her solenoids.
1015With his battery fully discharged, Micro-Farad was unable to excite his field,
1016so they spent the night reversing polarity and blowing each others fuses.
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1017 -- Eddie Currents, "The Sex Life of an Electron"
1018%
1019 One of my favorite Zoo jokes has to do with a woman who, while
1020visiting the zoo, decided to have a little fun with the Gorilla. She walks
1021up to his cage, reaches in, and begins to fondle the beast. Needless to
1022say, the animal becomes quite excited, and as he tries to reciprocate in
1023kind, the woman steps back and gives him a raspberry...!
1024 The gorilla becomes enraged. He rips the bars from his cage, grabs
1025the woman, drags her back into the cage, and ravishes her. While doing so,
1026he inflicts a great deal of harm upon her person.
1027 Later, at the hospital, a neighbor of the woman visits and exclaims,
1028"Oh, you poor dear...! Are you hurt?"
1029 "Hurt!", "Hurt!?" the injured lady sobs, "He doesn't phone. He
1030never writes..."
1031%
1032 One PAYDAY, MR. GOODBAR wanted a BIT O' HONEY. So he took his Miss
1033HERSHEY behind the POWERHOUSE on the corner of 5th AVENUE and CLARK where he
1034there began to feel her MOUNDS. And that was an ALMOND JOY which definitely
5e79e90c 1035made his TOOTSIE ROLL.
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1036 He let out a SNICKER as he slipped his BUTTERFINGER up her KIT KAT
1037which of course caused the MILKY WAY. She screamed "OH, HENRY!" as she
1038squeezed his PETER, PAUL and ZAGNUTS and said "you're better then the 3
1039MUSKETEERS."
1040 -- John Volby (Dr. Dirty), "The Candy Bar Poem"
1041%
1042 One spring evening, after a hard rain, grandpa and grandson were
1043sitting out on the porch, talking. Grandpa spied a worm crawling up out
1044of its hole and said to his grandson, "Sonny, if you can get that there
1045worm back down its hole, I'll give you five dollars."
1046 "Sure!", says sonny, and runs in the house. Out he runs an
1047instant later with a can of hairspray, grabs the worm, and sprays it with
1048the hairspray as it dangles earthward. He then slips the stiff worm back
1049into its hole and turns to his grandpa with a huge smile on his face.
1050 "Well, I'll be. That was pretty smart there, boy.", he says.
1051"Here's your fiver.", he adds as he fishes out a bill. By then it's almost
1052dark, and they say their goodnights and part.
1053 The next day sonny's playing out on the porch, and grandpa comes
1054out of the house and gives him a five. "But you gave me my five yesterday,
1055grandpa.", he remarks.
1056 "Yep, I know. This is from your Grandma."
1057%
1058 "Our school, madame, postulates, first of all, that since the
1059science of mathematics is an abstract science, it is best inculcated by
1060some concrete example."
1061 Said the Queen, "But that sounds rather complicated."
1062 "It occasionally leads to complications," Jurgen admitted, "through
1063a choice of the wrong example. But the axiom is no less true."
1064 "Come, then, and sit next to me on this couch if you can find it in
1065the dark; and do you explain to me what you mean."
1066 "Why, madame, by a concrete example I mean one that is perceptible
1067to any of the senses -- as to sight or hearing, or touch --"
1068 "Oh, oh!" said the Queen, "now I perceive what you mean by a concrete
1069example. And grasping this, I can understand that complications must of
1070course arise from a choice of the wrong example."
1071 -- James Branch Cabell, "Jurgen"
1072%
1073 Out on the great American desert one day, a bald eagle reached a
1074state of great libidal distress. Pickings were slim, but in time, he saw a
1075dove flying by. "Better than nothin'", he muttered (birds in jokes can mutter)
1076and swooped down, grabbed the dove and flew to his nest. Feathers flew, and
1077eventually the dove tottered to the edge of the cliff and shouted (yes, they
1078shout, too):
1079 "I'm a dove! I've been loved! And I LIKE it!"
1080 Well, this took care of the old boy for a while but soon enough he
1081was at it again. All he could find was a lark, so away he went, and feathers
1082flew and soon the lark tottered to the edge of the cliff and shouted:
1083 "I'm a lark! I've been sparked! And I LIKE it!"
1084 As you can guess, some time later our friend was again in need of
1085amor... lib... you know! This time, all that happened by was... a duck!
1086So down he swooped, and feathers flew, and the next thing seen is the duck
1087tottering to the cliffside and shouting:
1088 "I'M A DRAKE! THERE'S BEEN A MISTAKE! AND I DON'T LIKE IT!!!
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1089%
1090 Overheard in a bar:
1091Man: "Hey, Baby, I'd sure like to get in your pants!"
1092Woman: "No, thanks, I've already got one ass-hole in there now."
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1093%
1094 People who claim to know jackrabbits will tell you they are primarily
1095motivated by Fear, Stupidity and Craziness. But I have spent enough time in
1096jackrabbit country to know that most of them lead pretty dull lives; they are
1097bored with their daily routines: eat, fuck, sleep, hop around a bush now and
1098then... No wonder some of them drift over the line into cheap thrills once in
1099a while; there has to be a powerful adrenaline rush in crouching by the side of
1100a road, waiting for the next set of headlights to come along, then streaking
1101out of the bushes with split-second timing and making it across to the other
1102side just inches in front of the speeding front wheels.
1103 Why not? Anything that gets the adrenaline moving like a 440 volt
1104blast in a copper bathtub is good for the reflexes and keeps the veins free
1105of cholesterol ... but too many adrenaline rushes in any given time-span has
1106the same bad effect on the nervous system as too many electro-shock treatments
1107are said to have on the brain: after a while you start burning out the
1108circuits.
1109 When a jackrabbit gets addicted to road running, it is only a matter
1110of time before he gets smashed -- and when a journalist turns into a politics
1111junkie he will sooner or later start raving and babbling in print about things
1112that only a person who has Been There can possibly understand.
43920920 1113 -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing:
1114 On the Campaign Trail"
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1115%
1116 People who write position papers often find themselves in an
1117enviable position. They are hired to write papers for both sides of the
1118position.
1119 A good position paper will have many words in it like
1120"superincumbence," "egress," and "plurification."
1121 You will not often find the phrase "lightweight dropcase
1122limp-wristed motherfucker" in a serious position paper.
1123 Charts and multiplication tables should always be included in
1124position papers. They should look complicated enough to make Albert
1125Einstein stagger across the room for a Tylenol.
1126 A good position paper will never underestimate the value of a
1127semicolon.
1128 -- Dan Jenkins, "Baja Oklahoma"
1129%
1130 Santa Claus comes down the chimney and the nubile sixteen-year-old
1131has been waiting for him. Santa sees her, and in typically unflappable
1132Santa-style says, "And what do you want for Christmas, little girl?"
1133 The girl, and she's not so little, tells him. Well, Santa is
1134definitely flapped by this, but he manages to come out with, "Ho ho ho,
1135gotta go, gotta get the children their toys, you know."
1136 The girl, not to be daunted, takes off her robe. "Aw, please stay
1137Santa," she begs.
1138 He replies, "Ho ho ho, gotta go, gotta get the children their toys,
1139you know."
1140 She then takes off her pajama top, her firm pouting breasts pointing
1141at Santa like an accusation. "Aw, please stay Santa," she pleads.
1142 "Ho ho ho, gotta go, gotta get the children their toys, you know."
1143 Finally, she takes off her pajama bottoms, revealing to Santa her
1144warm mound of delight. "Aw, please stay, Santa," she begs.
1145 Being only mortal, Santa finally gives in, sighing, "Hey hey hey,
1146gotta stay, can't get up the chimney with my dick this way."
1147%
1148 Sentenced to two years hard labor (for sodomy), Oscar Wilde
1149stood handcuffed in driving rain waiting for transport to prison. "If
1150this is the way Queen Victoria treats her prisoners," he remarked, "she
1151doesn't deserve to have any."
1152
1153 James McNeill Whistler's (painter of "Whistler's Mother")
1154failure in his West Point chemistry examination once provoked him to
1155remark in later life, "If silicon had been a gas, I should have been a
1156major general."
1157
1158 (German philosopher) Georg Wilhelm Hegel, on his deathbed,
1159complained, "Only one man ever understood me." He fell silent for a
1160while and then added, "And he didn't understand me."
1161
1162 Driving through a Swiss city one day, Alfred Hitchcock suddenly
1163pointed out of the car window and said, "That is the most frightening
1164sight I have ever seen." His companion was surprised to see nothing
1165more alarming than a priest in conversation with a little boy, his hand
1166on the child's shoulder. "Run, little boy," cried Hitchcock, leaning
1167out of the car. "Run for your life!"
1168
1169 Grover Cleveland, though constantly at loggerheads with the
1170Senate, got on better with the House of Representatives. A popular
1171story circulating during his presidency concerned the night he was
1172roused by his wife crying, "Wake up! I think there are burglars in the
1173house."
1174 "No, no, my dear," said the president sleepily, "in the Senate
1175maybe, but not in the House."
1176
1177%
1178 Shortly after arriving at their honeymoon destination, the
1179still-nervous groom became worried about the state of his bride's innocence.
1180Deciding on a direct confrontation, he quickly undressed, pointed at his
1181exposed manhood and asked his mate, "Do you know what this is?"
1182 Without hesitation, she blushingly answered, "That's a wee-wee."
1183 Delighted at the idea of instructing his naive wife in the ways of
1184love, the husband whispered, "From now on, dearest, this will be called a
1185prick."
1186 "Oh, come now," the girl chided. "I've seen lots of pricks and I
1187assure you, that's a wee-wee."
1188%
1189 Shortly after Churchill had grown a moustache, he was accosted by a
1190certain young lady whose political views were in direct opposition to his
1191own. Fancying herself something of a wag, she exclaimed, "Mr. Churchill, I
1192care for neither your politics nor your moustache." Unabashed, the young
5e79e90c 1193statesman regarded her quietly for a moment, then wryly commented, "Suck my
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1194dick."
1195 While serving as a subaltern in the Boer War, the young Churchill was
1196asked by a superior officer to give his opinion of the Boers as soldiers.
1197 "They're assholes, sir," he ventured, then paused briefly and added, with a
1198whimsical smile, "They're assholes."
1199 Churchill was given to reading in the bathtub and, while staying at
1200the White House, he once became so engrossed in an account of the Battle of
1201Fonteney that he forgot President Roosevelt was due to drop by to discuss the
1202upcoming conference in Yalta. At the appointed hour, the President was
1203wheeled into Churchill's quarters only to be informed that the Prime Minister
1204had not finished bathing. Roosevelt was about to apologize for the intrusion
1205and depart when Churchill, puffing his customary cigar, strode into the room
1206stark naked and greeted the nonplussed world leader with a terse, "What are
1207you staring at, homo?"
1208 -- "The Churchill Wit", National Lampoon
1209%
1210 "Sir", said the beggar, "can you spare fifty dollars for a cup of
1211coffee?"
1212 "Fifty dollars for a cup of coffee, one should be sufficient!",
1213answered the gentleman, rather shortly.
1214 "I know", replied the beggar, "but coffee always makes me horny."
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1215%
1216 The big problem with pornography is defining it. You can't
1217just say it's pictures of people naked. For example, you have these
1218primitive African tribes that exist by chasing the wildebeest on foot,
1219and they have to go around largely naked, because, as the old tribal
1220saying goes: "N'wam k'honi soit qui mali," which means, "If you think
1221you can catch a wildebeest in this climate and wear clothes at the same
1222time, then I have some beach front property in the desert region of
1223Northern Mali that you may be interested in."
1224 So it's not considered pornographic when National Geographic
1225publishes color photographs of these people hunting the wildebeest
1226naked, or pounding one rock onto another rock for some primitive reason
1227naked, or whatever. But if National Geographic were to publish an
1228article entitled "The Girls of the California Junior College System
1229Hunt the Wildebeest Naked," some people would call it pornography. But
1230others would not. And still others, such as the Spectacularly Rev.
1231Jerry Falwell, would get upset about seeing the wildebeest naked.
1232 -- Dave Barry, "Pornography"
1233%
1234 The defense attorney was hammering away at the plaintiff: "You
1235claim," he jeered, "that my client came at you with a broken bottle in
1236his hand. But is it not true, that you had something in YOUR hand?"
1237
1238 "Yes," he admitted, "his wife. Very charming, of course, but
1239not much good in a fight."
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1240%
1241 The famous Nell Gwynn, stepping one day from a house where she had
1242made a short visit into her coach, saw a great crowd assembled, and her
1243footman all bloody and dirty; the fellow being asked by his mistress, the
1244reason for his being in that condition, answered, "I have been fighting,
1245madam, with an impudent rascal who called your ladyship a whore."
5e79e90c 1246 "You blockhead," replied Mrs. Gwynn, "at this rate you must fight
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1247every day of your life; why, you fool, all the world knows it."
1248 "Do they?" cries the fellow, in a muttering voice, after he had shut
1249the coach door, "they shan't call me a whore's footman for all that."
1250 -- Henry Fielding, "Tom Jones"
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1251%
1252 The Gray-haired Woman's Complaint
1253
1254My back aches, my pussy is sore;
1255I simply can't fuck any more;
1256 I'm covered with sweat,
1257 And you haven't come yet,
1258And my God, it's a quarter to four!
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1259%
1260 The man standing at the bar (in court, unfortunately) was well-
1261dressed, alert and obviously intelligent. The judge asked him how he
1262pleaded to the charge of rape and, much to the magistrate's surprise, he
1263replied, "Not guilty by reason of insanity, your Honor."
1264 "Insanity?" exclaimed the judge.
1265 "Yes, sir," said the defendant. "I'm just crazy about it."
1266%
1267 The new patron was amazed by the cleanliness of the restaurant. A
1268waiter approached the table. "Good afternoon, sir. What may I serve you?"
1269 "I'll have the steak dinner," the man answered.
1270 As the waiter headed for the kitchen, the diner noticed that he
1271wore a spotless white apron and clean white gloves. Soon the waiter
1272returned, bearing a casserole dish on a cart which he uncovered to reveal
1273two tempting filet mignons. From a covered pocket in his apron he produced
1274a small pair of shining silver tongs and with them he transferred the meat
1275from the steaming casserole to the diner's plate. "We never touch anything
1276with our hands," he explained.
1277 The waiter continued serving. "Confidentially," he said, "we even
1278have a special set of rules about visiting the lavatory. Do you see this
1279little piece of string attached to my apron?"
1280 "Yes," the diner replied. "I noticed that all the aprons had one."
1281 The waiter put a large browned potato on the plate with his tongs.
1282"Well," he began, "if I should have to go to the bathroom, that string
1283comes in very handily. I simply unzip my pants and take it out with that
1284piece of string. That way everything stays sanitary."
1285 "But how do you put it back?"
1286 "Well, I don't know about the other guys," the waiter confided, "but
1287I use the tongs."
1288%
1289 The old mailman is making his last rounds; he retires at the end of
1290the week. As he approaches the Jones' house, Mrs. Jones greets him warmly at
1291the door. "Please come in! We're very grateful for your years of service to
1292us and our neighborhood. I've prepared something special for you."
9401d887 1293 In walks the mailman, to a graciously appointed dining room, where
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1294Mrs. Jones has prepared a sumptuous lunch. After dumping his letter satchel
1295on the couch, he and Mrs. Jones have a charming meal. As the mailman finished
1296his last glass of wine, thanking his hostess profusely, she stops him from
1297leaving and disappears upstairs. She returns in a moment, in a daring
1298negligee, and takes the astonished postman to the bedroom, where the elaborate
1299farewell is consummated between the sheets.
9401d887 1300 As he's putting his pants on, Mrs. Jones reaches into her nightstand,
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1301pulls out a dollar bill, and hands it to him. Reacting to his astonished
1302look, she says, "Well, I told my husband that you were retiring and that
1303we should do something for you. He said 'Fuck him. Give him a dollar!'"
1304She pauses and smiles proudly. "The lunch was MY idea."
1305%
1306 The other day my girlfriend and I were going to a party and on the
1307way there, we got a flat tire. We got out of the car and I pumped, she
1308jacked I pumped, she jacked, I pumped, she jacked and then we changed the
1309tire. Eventually we arrived at the party and when we walked in, everyone was
1310jumping for joy. What a sight seeing her hanging nude from the chandelier!
1311Well the party was OK, I guess, we just sat around drinking sherry and eating
1312candy. Everybody else started feeling merry. Those have got to be the three
1313wildest girls I know.
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1314%
1315 The radio was screaming: "Power to the People -- Right On!" John
1316Lennon's political song, ten years too late. "That poor fool should have
1317stayed where he was," said my attorney. "Punks like him only get in the
1318way when they try to be serious."
1319 "Speaking of serious," I said. "I think it's about time to get
1320into the ether and the cocaine."
1321 "Forget ether," he said. "Let's save it for soaking down the rug
1322in the suite. But here's this. Your half of the sunshine blotter. Just
1323chew it up like baseball gum."
1324 I took the blotter and ate it. My attorney was now fumbling with
1325the salt shaker containing the cocaine. Opening it. Spilling it. Then
1326screaming and grabbing at the air, as our fine white dust blew up and out
1327across the desert highway. A very expensive little twister rising up from
1328the Great Red Shark. "Oh, Jesus!" he moaned. "Did you see what God just
1329did to us?"
1330 -- Raoul Duke, "Rolling Stone", issue 95, Nov. 11, 1971
1331%
1332 THE TEN STAGES OF INTOXICATION
1333
1334 1. WITTY AND CHARMING: This is after one or two drinks. The tongue is
1335 loosened and can yet remain in step with the brain. In the "witty
5e79e90c 1336 and charming" state, one is likely to use foreign idioms and
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1337 phrases such as "au contraire" in place of "No way, Jose" or
1338 "Bullsheyet".
1339 2. RICH AND POWERFUL: By the third drink, you begin mentioning the little
1340 380 SL you've had your eye on down at the Mercedes place.
1341 3. BENEVOLENT: You'll buy her a Mercedes, too. It's only money.
1342 4. JUST ONE MORE AND THEN WE'LL EAT: Stall tactic.
1343 5. TO HELL WITH DINNER: Just one more and then we'll eat.
1344 6. PATRIOTIC: The war stories begin.
1345 7. CRANK UP THE "ENOLA GAY": "We could have won in Nam, but..."
1346 8. INVISIBLE: So this is what the Ladies' Room looks like.
1347 9. WITTY AND CHARMING PART II: You know, you don't sweat much for a fat girl.
134810. BULLETPROOF: Bull-sheyet, gimme them keys, I can drive.
1349 -- Lewis Grizzard, "My Daddy Was a Pistol and I'm a Son
1350 of a Gun".
1351%
1352 The young male race horse came from a long line of winners, and did
1353wonderfully in time trials. However, in actual races he proved a little too
1354romantic, and could never quite bring himself to pass a mare.
1355 So one day the trainer went to him and told him he'd have to be
1356castrated. The young horse, knowing that it was either this or the glue
1357factory, took it philosophically. After all, having the operation was
1358almost a certain guarantee of a long and illustrious racing career.
1359 After a short recovery period, the horse was again run in time
1360trials, and found to do as well as ever. But the first time he actually
1361ran in a race, he only went about ten paces, before getting a dejected look
1362on his face, turning around, and ambling back to the starting gates.
1363 "What's the matter?" asked the trainer, "you were doing great!"
1364 "Yeah, well how would you feel" replied the horse, "if five thousand
1365people took one look at you and shouted `they're off!'?"
1366%
1367 The young man took a blind date to the amusement park. They went
1368for a ride on the Ferris wheel. The ride completed, she seemed rather bored.
1369"What would you like to do next?" he asked.
1370 "I wanna get weighed," she said. So he took her over to the weight
1371guesser. Next they rode the roller coaster. After that he bought her some
1372popcorn and cotton candy, then he asked what else she would like to do.
1373 "I wanna get weighed," she said, bluntly.
1374 I really latched onto a square one tonight, thought the boy, and
1375using the excuse that he had developed a headache, he took the girl home.
1376The girl's mother was surprised to see her home so early, and asked, "What's
1377wrong, dear, didn't you have a nice time tonight?"
1378 "Wousy," said the girl.
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1379%
1380 Them Toad Suckers
1381
1382How 'bout them toad suckers, ain't they clods?
1383Sittin' there suckin' them green toady frogs!
1384
1385Suckin' them hop toads, suckin' them chunkers,
1386Suckin' them a leapy type, suckin' them flunkers.
1387
1388Look at them toad suckers, ain't they snappy?
1389Suckin' them bog frogs sure make's 'em happy!
1390
1391Them hugger mugger toad suckers, way down south,
1392Stickin' them sucky toads in they mouth!
1393
1394How to be a toad sucker, no way to duck it,
1395Get yourself a toad, rear back, and suck it!
1396 -- Mason Williams
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1397%
1398 There are two couples that want to convert to Catholicism. They go
1399and see a priest and he tells them that the first requirement is to abstain
1400from sex for thirty days.
1401 Thirty days later, the couples come back to see the priest. He asks
1402the first couple if they passed the test.
1403 "Father, we didn't so much as TOUCH one another during the last month.
1404 "Congratulations," the priest replies, "you are now qualified to enter
1405the Church." Then, the priests asked the second couple how they did.
1406 "Well, Father," the husband says, "everything was going just fine
1407until the 27th day. My wife bent over the freezer to get something out, and
1408I just happened to notice that she didn't have any panties on. I couldn't
1409stand it any more, so I walked over to her, dropped my pants, and slipped it
1410to her right there."
1411 "That's DISGUSTING!", the priest bellows. "I can never let you into
1412the Church after something like that."
1413 "I understand Father," the man replies sadly, "they won't let us
1414into Safeway anymore either."
1415%
1416 There was an Englishman, a Frenchman, and a Newfoundlander sitting in
1417a bar having a few drinks together.
1418 The Englishman turns to the Frenchman, "So tell me, what do you do to
1419drive your wife wild in bed?"
1420 "Well", replies the Frenchman, "After we make love, I go out to the
1421garden and pick some roses. Then I take the petals off and put them all over
1422her body. then I gently blow them off with a soft, even breath, and that drives
1423her wild with desire."
1424 "Interesting," the Englishman replies. "After my wife and I make love
1425I massage baby oil gently all over her body -- that works for me!"
1426Then the pair turn to the Newfie and ask him what he does.
1427 "Well...", he says, "when me and the old lady are through, I jump
1428out of bed and wipe my dick off on the curtain. And that REALLY drives
1429her wild."
1430%
1431 These two project managers were walking through a residential area
1432one day, when they saw a dog (also male) sitting on a lawn, licking its
1433cock. (Why do dogs do that? Because they can). Anyway, the first manager
1434nudged the second and said, "Hey, look at that! That really looks like fun
1435-- I wish I could do that!"
1436 Whereupon the second manager replied, "Well, I don't know... I tried
1437it once, and the damn dog bit me!"
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1438%
1439 This 600-pound guy decides he can't go on living this way, so he seeks
1440the help of a clinic and proceeds to go on a drastic diet. It works: four
1441months later he's down to 160 pounds and feeling great, except for one problem.
1442He's covered with great folds of flesh where the fat used to be. He calls
1443up the clinic, and the doctor tells him not to worry. "There's a special
1444surgical procedure to correct this condition," the doctor assures him. "Just
1445come on over to the clinic."
1446 "But doctor," the man pleads, "you don't understand. I'm too
1447embarrassed to be seen in public like this."
1448 "Don't give it another thought," says the doctor. "Simply pull up
1449all the folds as high as they'll go, pile the flesh on top of your head, put
1450on a top hat, and come on over."
1451 The guy follows the instructions and provokes no comments until he
1452reaches the clinic and is standing in front of the admitting nurse's desk,
1453dying of self-consciousness. "The doctor will be right with you," says the
1454nurse. "Say, what's that hole in the middle of your forehead?"
1455 "My navel," blurts out the guy, "how d'ya like my tie?"
1456%
1457 This guy is taking a leak in a public men's room when a man enters
1458with his arms held out from his sides, bent at the elbows with his hands
1459dangling awkwardly, and comes over to him.
1460 "Would you do me a favor and unzip my fly?" he asks.
1461 Figuring the man to be a poor cripple, perhaps an accident victim,
1462the guy obliges, not without a flush of embarrassment when the man next
1463requests that he take out his prick and hold it in the appropriate position.
1464 "Shake it off" is the next instruction, then "zip me up," and the
1465guy follows orders, wincing at his own embarrassment and at the shame of
1466being so helpless.
1467 "Say, thanks," says the man, flouncing to the door. "I can't do a
1468*thing* 'til my nails dry!"
1469%
1470 This guy is walking down the beach one fine sunny day, feeling
1471good, when suddenly he sees this woman with no arms or legs in a wheelchair,
1472sobbing like crazy. He decides to be gallant, "What's wrong, miss?"
1473 "I...<sob, sniffle>...I'm 21 and I <choke> I've never been kissed...
1474<sniffle>"
1475 So this guy, he decides, what the hell, let's cheer up the poor lady.
1476He leans over and gives her a long wonderful kiss. This does wonders, and
1477the woman's face lights up and she grins from ear to ear, and the guy wanders
1478away feeling wonderful.
1479 Well, next week, the same guy is walking along the same beach, and
1480sees the same girl who is once again sobbing her eyes out. Gallant to the
1481end, our hero says, "What's wrong, miss, can I help?"
1482 "I...I'm <sob, sniffle, sniffle> 21 and I've never been fucked..."
1483 The guy picks her up out of her chair, cuddles her close, and brings
1484her over to the shore, and throws her into the water. "Now you're fucked!"
1485%
1486 Three women and Feldstein were brought before the presiding judge.
1487The women had been arrested for soliciting and he'd been was arrested for
1488selling ties without a license. "What do you do for a living?" the judge
1489asked, pointing at the first girl.
1490 "Your honor, I'm a model," she replied.
1491 "Thirty days," was the sentence. The judge turned to the second
1492girl. "What do you do for a living?" he asked.
1493 "Your honor, I'm an actress."
1494 "Thirty days." Then he turned to the third girl. "And how about
1495you?" he demanded.
1496 "Well, your honor, I'm a prostitute. I'm not proud of it, but it's
1497the only way I can support my mother and my children since my husband's been
1498laid off."
1499 "For telling the truth," he said, "I'm going to suspend sentence.
1500Furthermore, here's $100 to help your family out." Now he turns to Feldstein,
1501arrested for selling ties illegally. "And you," he said, "what do you do
1502for a living?"
1503 "Your honor, I'm a prostitute. I'm not proud..."
1504%
1505 Two buddies had been out drinking for hours when their money finally
1506ran out. "I have an idea," croaked Al. "Lesh go over to my housh and borrow
1507shum money from my wife."
1508 The two of them reeled into Al's living room, snapped on the light,
1509and lo and behold, there was Al's wife making love on the sofa to another man.
1510This state of affairs considerably unnerved Al's friend but didn't seem to
1511affect the husband.
1512 "Shay, dear, you have any money for your ever-lovin' hushban?" he
1513asked.
1514 "Yes, yes," she snapped. "Take my purse from the mantle, and for
1515Pete's sake, turn off those lights."
1516 Outside they examined the purse, and Al proudly announced, "There's
1517enough here for a pint for you and a pint for me. Pretty good, eh, old buddy?"
1518 "But, Al," protested his friend, somewhat sobered by the spectacle
1519he'd just witnessed, "what about that fellow back there with your wife?"
1520 "The hell with him," replied Al. "Let him buy his own pint."
1521%
1522 Two Englishmen struck up a conversation with an American in the club
1523car of a train headed east out of Chicago.
1524 "I say," queried the younger Englishman, "have you ever been to
1525London?"
1526 The American laughed. "It was my home for two years during the war,"
1527he said. "Had some of the wildest times of my life in that old town."
1528 The older Englishman, a little hard of hearing, asked, "What did
1529he say, Reggie?"
1530 "He said he's been to London, father," the younger Englishman
1531replied.
1532 After a little lull in the conversation, the young man asked, "You
1533didn't, by any chance, meet a Hazel Wimbleton in London, did you?"
1534 The American almost fell off his chair. "Hot Pants Hazel!" he
1535exclaimed. "My God, I shacked up with that horny broad for three months
1536just before I came back to the States!"
1537 "What did he say, Reggie?" the older Englishman wanted to know.
1538 "He says he knows Mother," the younger Englishman responded.
1539%
1540 Two gay guys, Larry and Phil, were driving down the highway when they
1541were rear-ended by a huge semi. Somewhat shaken, they maneuvered over to the
1542side of the road, where Phil instructed Larry to get out and confront the truck
1543driver. "Tell him we're going to sue, sue, sue!" he shrieked.
1544 Obligingly, Larry got out and went around to the cab of the truck to
1545deliver this message to the huge, burly driver, whose response was to snarl,
1546"Ah, why doncha suck my cock."
1547 "Phil," said Larry, coming back to their car, "I think we're going
1548to be able to settle out of court."
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1549%
1550 Two little kids, aged six and eight, decide it's time to learn
1551how to swear. So, the eight-year-old says to the six-year-old, "Okay,
1552you say `ass' and I'll say `hell'".
1553 All excited about their plan, they troop downstairs, where
1554their mother asks them what they'd like for breakfast.
1555 "Aw, hell," says the eight-year-old, "gimme some Cheerios."
1556His mother backhands him off the stool, sending him bawling out of the
1557room, and turns to the younger brother. "What'll you have?"
1558 "I dunno," quavers the six-year-old, "but you can bet your ass
1559it ain't gonna be Cheerios."
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1560%
1561 Two longtime friends sipped Scotch in a local bar and talked about
1562their troubles. "And on top of everything else," said the first, "my wife
1563has cut me down to just once a week."
1564 "That's too bad," agreed his friend, "but it could be worse. I know
1565two guys she's cut off altogether.
1566%
1567 Two morticians alternated in sharing the responsibility of covering
1568the night shift. One early morning about 3:00 am, a body was brought into the
1569mortuary, and the mortician began work. When he had unclothed the corpse, he
1570noticed a cork in the anus. Removing it, the strains of "Hello, Dolly, well,
1571hello, Dolly...!" were plainly heard being sung. He put the cork back, and
1572the singing stopped. Pulling it out again, the same song started, "You're
1573lookin' swell, Dolly!". Amazed, he telephoned his partner, and insisted he
1574come immediately to see something very unusual. Roused from sleep, the partner
1575asked if it could wait until morning. It took great persistence, but finally
1576the partner agreed to dress and come down to the shop. When he got there, he
1577said, "Now what was it that was so important you had to get me out of bed at
1578this ungodly hour?"
1579 The man said, "Come into the embalming room."
1580 They go into the embalming room, and the first partner says, "Now
1581watch."
1582 He pulls out the cork, and the anus takes off singing again. The
1583partner looks at him disgustedly and says: "You brought me down here at
1584three in the morning just to hear some asshole sing Hello Dolly"?
1585%
1586 Two women were walking down the street, when one nudges the other
1587and says, "There's my husband coming out of the florist's with a dozen
1588roses, damn it. That means I'll have to keep my legs up in the air for
1589three days."
1590 Replies her friend, "Well, why don't you buy a vase?"
1591
1592%
1593 We were somewhere around Barstow on the edge of the desert when the
1594drugs began to take hold. I remember saying something like "I feel a bit
5e79e90c 1595lightheaded; maybe you should drive ..." And suddenly there was a terrible
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1596roar all around us and the sky was full of what looked like huge bats, all
1597swooping and screeching and diving around the car, which was going about a
1598hundred miles an hour with the top down to Las Vegas. And a voice was
1599screaming: "Holy Jesus! What are these goddamn animals?"
1600 Then it was quiet again. My attorney had taken his shirt off and
1601was pouring beer on his chest, to facilitate the tanning process. "What the
1602hell are you yelling about?" he muttered, staring up at the sun with his
1603eyes closed and covered with wraparound Spanish sunglasses. "Never mind,"
1604I said. "It's your turn to drive." I hit the brakes and aimed the Great
1605Red Shark toward the shoulder of the highway. No point in mentioning the
1606bats, I thought. The poor bastard will see them soon enough.
43920920 1607 -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas:
1608 A Savage Journey to the Heart of the American Dream"
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1609%
1610 Well, this woman went to the butcher shop to get some ham for dinner.
1611She asked the butcher what kind of ham he recommended, and the butcher said,
1612"Well ma'am, we got some Damn ham here for $3.50 a pound..." Needless to
1613say, she was surprised at the butcher's language! The butcher, who was
1614reasonably astute, noticed the alarmed look on the woman's face, and quickly
1615justified himself. "No, no, ma'am, I wasn't cursin', the NAME of this here
1616ham is "Damn ham". Amused, the woman requested some "Damn ham."
1617 That night, before dinner, the woman took her husband aside and
1618explained what had happened at the butcher shop. He also was amused, and
1619suggested that they play a joke on their son. So, at dinner, after grace,
1620the man turned to his wife and said, "Honey, pass the damn ham."
1621 Their son looked up, surprised. "WHOAH! Dad be gettin' hip!
1622How 'bout them mother-fuckin' potatoes?"
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1623%
1624 "What the hell are you getting so upset about? I thought you
1625didn't believe in God."
1626 "I don't," she sobbed, bursting violently into tears, "but the
1627God I don't believe in is a good God, a just God, a merciful God. He's
1628not the mean and stupid God you make Him out to be."
1629 -- Joseph Heller, "Catch-22"
1630%
1631 When the surgeon came to see her on the morning after her
1632operation, the young woman asked her somewhat hesitantly how long it
1633would be before she could resume her sex life. "I really haven't
1634thought about it," gulped the stunned surgeon. "You're the first
1635patient who's asked me that after a tonsillectomy!"
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1636%
1637 While visiting our country, a lovely French maiden found herself
1638out of money just as her visa expired. Unable to pay her passage back to
1639France, she was in despair until an enterprising sailor made her a sporting
1640proposition. "My ship is sailing tonight," he said. "I'll smuggle you
1641aboard, hide you down in the hold and provide you with a mattress, blankets
1642and food. All it will cost you is a little love."
1643 The girl consented, and late that night the sailor sneaked her on
1644board his vessel. Twice each day thereafter, the sailor smuggled a large
1645tray of food below decks, took his pleasure with the little French stowaway
1646and departed. The days turned into weeks, and the weeks might have turned
1647into months if the captain hadn't noticed the sailor carrying food below one
1648evening and followed him. After witnessing this unique bit of barter, he
1649waited until the sailor had departed and then confronted the girl, demanding
1650an explanation. She told him the whole story.
1651 "Hmmm," mused the captain. "A clever arrangement, and I must say I
1652admire that young seaman's ingenuity. However, miss, I feel it is only fair
1653to tell you that this is the Staten Island Ferry."
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1654%
1655 "Yes, sir, the bowling ball nipple rings in black. Will there
1656be anything else?"
1657%
1658 You see, this girl wakes up one morning, rolls over and sees an
1659elephant in the bed with her. Almost in shock, she says, "Did I pick you
1660up in the bar last night?"
1661 "Uh-huh," the elephant replies.
1662 "Did I bring you home?"
1663 "Uh-huh."
1664 "Did we, uh, fool around?"
1665 "Uh-huh."
1666 "Lord, I must have been tight!"
1667 "Not any more."
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1668%
1669 The Split-Atom Blues
1670
1671Gimme Twinkies, gimme wine,
5e79e90c 1672 Gimme jeans by Calvin Kline ...
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1673But if you split those atoms fine,
1674 Mama keep 'em off those genes of mine!
1675
1676Gimme zits, take my dough,
5e79e90c 1677 Gimme arsenic in my jelly roll ...
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1678Call the devil and sell my soul,
1679 But Mama keep dem atoms whole!
1680 -- Milo Bloom, "Bloom County"
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1681%
1682... and no philosophy, sadly, has all the answers. No matter how assured
1683we may be about certain aspects of our belief, there are always painful
1684inconsistencies, exceptions, and contradictions. This is true in religion
1685as it is in politics, and is self-evident to all except fanatics and the
1686naive. As for the fanatics, whose number is legion in our own time, we
1687might be advised to leave them to heaven. They will not, unfortunately, do
1688us the same courtesy. They attack us and each other, and whatever their
1689protestations to peaceful intent, the bloody record of history makes clear
1690that they are easily disposed to restore to the sword. My own belief in
1691God, then, is just that -- a matter of belief, not knowledge. My respect
1692for Jesus Christ arises from the fact that He seems to have been the most
1693virtuous inhabitant of Planet Earth. But even well-educated Christians are
1694frustrated in their thirst for certainty about the beloved figure of Jesus
1695because of the undeniable ambiguity of the scriptural record. Such ambiguity
1696is not apparent to children or fanatics, but every recognized Bible scholar
1697is perfectly aware of it. Some Christians, alas, resort to formal lying to
1698obscure such reality.
1699 -- Steve Allen
1700%
9401d887 1701... And then there's the guy who bought 20,000 bras, cut them in half,
5e79e90c 1702and sold 40,000 yamalchas with chin straps ...
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1703%
1704... But the reward of a successful collaboration is a thing that cannot
1705be produced by either of the parties working alone. It is akin to the
1706benefits of sex with a partner, as opposed to masturbation. The latter
1707is fun, but you show me anyone who has gotten a baby from playing with
1708him or herself, and I'll show you an ugly baby, with just a whole bunch
1709of knuckles.
1710 -- Harlan Ellison
1711%
1712... Let me tell you who the actual "front-runners" are. On one side,
1713you have George Bush, who is currently going through a sort of
1714fraternity hazing wherein he has to perform a series of humiliating
1715stunts to win the approval of the Republican Right. For example, they
1716had him make a speech oozing praise all over William Loeb, deceased
1717publisher of the Manchester (N.H.) Union Leader and Slime Journalist.
1718Loeb had dumped viciously all over George in the 1980 New Hampshire
1719primary. But when the Right held a big tribute for Loeb, George came
1720back to the fold, like a man with a bungee cord wrapped around his
1721neck.
1722 -- Dave Barry, "The Twinkie and the Squid"
1723%
1724... So this is a very confusing situation, and what makes it even worse
1725is, our standards keep changing. Take Playboy magazine. Back in the
17261950s, when I started reading it strictly for the articles, Playboy was
1727considered just about the raciest thing around, even though all it ever
1728showed was women's breasts. Granted, any given one of these breasts
1729would have provided adequate shelter for a family of four, but the
1730overall effect was no more explicit than many publications we think
1731nothing of today, such as Sports Illustrated's Annual Nipples Poking
1732Through Swimsuits Issue.
1733 -- Dave Barry, "Pornography"
1734%
1735... The Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost would never throw the Devil
1736out of Heaven as long as they still need him as a fourth for bridge.
1737 -- Letter in NEW LIBERTARIAN NOTES #19
1738%
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1739... which the Minstrel was supposed by some authorities to have composed
1740beneath the gibbet at Elsdon on the occasion of his hanging, drawing and
1741quartering for misguidedly climbing into bed with Sir Oswald Capheughton's
1742wife, Lady Fleur, when that noble lord was not only in it, but in her at
1743the same time. Minstrel Flawse's introduction of himself into Sir Oswald
1744had met with that reaction known as dog-knotting on the part of all
1745concerned...
1746I gan noo wha ma organs gan
1747When oft I lay abed I should ha' known 'twas never Fleur
1748So rither hang me upside doon That smelt so mooch of sweat
1749Than by ma empty head. For she was iver sweet and pure
1750 And iver her purse was wet.
1751But old Sir Oswald allus stank
1752Of horse and hound and dung So hang me noo fra' Elsdon tree
1753And when I chose to breech his rank And draw ma innards out
1754Was barrel to my bung. That all the wald around may see
1755 What I have done without.
1756But ere ye come to draw ma heart
1757Na do it all so quick So prick 'em wet or prick 'em dry
1758But prise the arse of Oswald 'part 'Tis all the same to me
1759And bring me back ma prick. I canna wait for him to die
1760 Afore I have a pee.
1761 -- Tom Sharpe, "The Ballad of Prick 'Em Dry"
1762%
17631. The sport of choice for the low skill level employees is: BASKETBALL.
5e79e90c 17642. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is: BOWLING.
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17653. The sport of choice for front-line workers is: FOOTBALL.
17664. The sport of choice for supervisors is: BASEBALL.
17675. The sport of choice for middle management is: TENNIS.
17686. The sport of choice for corporate officers is: GOLF.
1769
1770AMAZING CONCLUSION: The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller
1771your balls.
1772%
177310 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Man:
1774
1775 1. A beer NEVER leaves the toilet seat up.
1776 2. A beer lasts longer than seven seconds.
1777 3. A beer doesn't want to watch pro wrestling.
1778 4. A beer won't expect you to cook dinner when you're not hungry.
1779 5. A beer will never leave dirty socks on the floor.
1780 6. A beer doesn't mind when your mother visits.
1781 7. A beer does as many chores as a man, with a LOT less complaining.
1782 8. A beer won't leave you for a younger woman.
1783 9. A beer won't leave you for a younger man either.
178410. A beer won't tease you because you once liked Barry Manilow.
1785%
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178610 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Man:
1787
1788 1. A beer will never invite friends home for dinner without calling.
1789 2. A beer won't think less of you if you can't name the Steelers'
1790 quarterback.
1791 3. A beer won't even act amazed if you can.
1792 4. You don't have to let a beer win.
1793 5. Just because you have dinner with a beer doesn't mean you have to
1794 sleep with it, too.
1795 6. A beer helps with the housework.
1796 7. A beer will never fumble with your bra.
1797 8. A beer will never take the newspaper apart before you've read it.
1798 9. A beer doesn't want you to raise its children.
179910. A beer wouldn't mind if you wanted it to wear a condom.
1800%
180110 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Man:
1802
1803 1. Having a beer can't make you pregnant.
5e79e90c 1804 2. A beer wouldn't trade you in on a sports car.
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1805 3. If a beer did have a sports car, it wouldn't love it more than you.
1806 4. A beer doesn't want to go out alone with the other beers.
1807 5. A beer wouldn't waste its money on Playbeer magazine.
1808 6. You don't have to worry about getting AIDS from a bisexual beer.
1809 7. A beer won't switch the TV channel.
1810 8. A beer doesn't snore.
1811 9. A beer doesn't care that you can't find your car's carburator.
181210. A beer doesn't think black leather bikinis are neat.
1813%
181410 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Woman:
1815
1816 1. Beer understands the difference between shooting down an unidentified
1817 aircraft in a war zone and blowing a Korean airliner out of the sky.
1818 2. A beer would never own a car with an automatic transmission.
1819 3. A beer never fishes for compliments.
1820 4. Beer tastes good.
1821 5. A beer can enjoy an evening of watching "Johnny-the-Wadd-Holmes' Greatest
1822 Hits" as much as you do.
1823 6. An ice-cold beer will nonetheless let you have your way with it.
1824 7. A beer won't ask you to pick up some tampons when you go to the store.
1825 8. Beer never asks you to change the station.
1826 9. A beer won't fill up your 'Vette with 85-octane gas because it's twenty
1827 cents less expensive.
182810. A beer won't make you eat experimental vegetarian meals that taste
1829 like grass.
1830%
183110 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Woman:
1832
1833 1. You can enjoy a beer all month.
1834 2. Beer stains wash out.
1835 3. Beer doesn't go crazy once a month.
1836 4. Beer never makes you wait.
1837 5. A beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer.
1838 6. Beer doesn't have a lawyer "in the family".
1839 7. A beer won't get upset if you come home with beer on your breath.
1840 8. Beer doesn't demand equality.
1841 9. Beer labels come off without a fight.
184210. Beer doesn't mind being in the "wet spot" that IT left.
1843%
184415 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Man:
1845
1846 1. A beer doesn't care that you don't balance your checkbook.
1847 2. Tall, dark, good-looking beers are common.
1848 3. A beer won't steal all the covers.
1849 4. A beer doesn't have friends who will drink all your beer.
1850 5. A beer wouldn't yell if you dented the car.
1851 6. A beer doesn't buy everything labeled "turbo".
1852 7. You don't have to laugh at a beer's jokes.
1853 8. A beer is not kinky unless you want it to be kinky.
1854 9. A beer always lets you read the Sunday comics first.
185510. A beer doesn't think poetry is queer.
185611. If the beer is finished before you are, you can have another beer.
185712. A beer won't talk about the women who had it before you.
185813. A beer's life does not revolve around the world series.
185914. A beer won't mind at all if you're not in the mood for beer.
186015. A beer will NEVER call you "Babe". Or "Sugar".
1861%
186218th Rule of Friendship:
1863 A friend will let you hold the ladder while he goes up on the roof
1864 to install your new aerial, which is the biggest son-of-a-bitch you
1865 ever saw.
1866 -- Esquire, May 1977
1867%
186820 REASONS WHY A BEER IS BETTER THAN A MAN
1869 1. A beer never leaves the toilet seat up.
1870 2. A beer doesn't want to watch pro wrestling.
1871 3. A beer does as many chores as a man, with a LOT less complaining.
1872 4. You don't have to worry about getting AIDS from a bisexual beer.
1873 5. A beer won't tease you because you once liked Barry Manilow.
1874 6. A beer doesn't want to go out alone with the other beers.
1875 7. A beer doesn't care that you can't find your car's carburator.
1876 8. A beer doesn't think black leather bikinis are neat.
1877 9. A beer won't steal the covers.
187810. A beer doesn't buy everything labeled "turbo".
187911. A beer doesn't think poetry is queer.
188012. A beer can't talk about the women who had it before you.
188113. A beer tastes good.
188214. A beer will never invite friends home for dinner without calling.
188315. A beer won't think less of you if you can't name the Steelers' quarterback.
188416. You don't have to let a beer win.
188517. A beer always lets you read the Sunday comics first.
188618. A beer will never call you "Babe". Or "Sugar-hips".
188719. A beer doesn't care that you don't balance your checkbook.
188820. You don't have to laugh at a beer's jokes.
1889%
1890667 -- The neighbor of the beast.
1891%
189268:
1893 Do me now and I'll owe you one.
1894%
18956802 hackers make great use of the SEX instruction.
1896%
189769 + 69 = dinner for 4.
1898%
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189971:
1900 69 with two fingers up your ass.
1901 -- George Carlin
1902%
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19037:30, Channel 5: The Bionic Dog (Action/Adventure)
1904 The Bionic Dog drinks too much and kicks over the National
1905 Redwood Forest.
1906
19077:30, Channel 8: The Bionic Dog (Action/Adventure)
1908 The Bionic Dog gets a hormonal short-circuit and violates the
1909 Mann Act with an interstate Greyhound bus.
1910%
19118 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Woman:
1912
1913 1. You rarely (if ever) find beer labels on the shower curtain rod.
1914 2. A beer doesn't care when you come.
1915 3. Beer doesn't have a mother.
1916 4. Beer doesn't need much closet space.
1917 5. A beer won't accuse you of lying when you say you read Playboy
1918 "just for the articles".
1919 6. Beer doesn't mind seeing Chuck Norris and Charles Bronson flicks.
1920 7. Beer doesn't always want to go to the 'powder room' with everyone
1921 else's beer.
1922 8. When you're through with a beer, the thought of another beer doesn't
1923 make you ill.
1924%
1925A '49er walked into the saloon at Bloody Gulch. He'd been prospecting for
1926more than a year.
1927 "Hey! Y'got any wimmen around here?"
1928 "Nope," the bartender replied, "But there's George in the back room."
1929 "I don't go for that kind of thing," the prospector scowled. He
1930downed his drink and left disgustedly.
1931A few months passed before the miner found his way down the mountain again.
1932He stumbled into the tavern and asked the bartender, "Any wimmen pass through
1933this part of town?"
1934 "Nope. Nary a one. But we still got George in the back room."
1935 Angry, the miner shouted, "I told you I don't go for that kind of
1936thing," and turned on his heel and left.
1937 Within a year he came back from his mine again. With a wild look on
1938his face he re-entered the saloon. Leaning over the bar he whispered to the
1939bartender, "If I was to go into the back room with George, how many people
1940'round here would know?"
1941 "Oh," the bartender said, scratching his chin, "'bout seven, I guess."
1942 "Seven!?"
1943 "Yep. You, me, George, and the four men holdin' him down. You see,
1944George don't go for that kind of thing neither."
1945%
1946A 6'8", 280-pound Southerner walked into a NY bar, sat down next to a
1947patron, and said, "Ah'm big, and ah'm bad, and I *loves* to fuck Northern
1948women!" The guy was so terrified that he put down his beer and ran out
1949of the bar.
1950 The Rebel moved over to the next guy and said, "Ah'm big and ah'm
1951bad and I *loves* to fuck New York women." The guy took one look at him,
1952blanched and ran out of the bar.
1953 The man then went over to a short little guy with "Bronx" written
1954all over him. "Ah'm big and ah'm bad and I *loves* to fuck your sister."
1955 The short guy looked him up and down and said, "I don't blame
1956you one bit. She's *got* to be an improvement on yours."
1957%
1958A bad little girl in Madrid,
1959A most reprehensible kid,
1960 Told her Tante Louise
1961 That her cunt smelled like cheese,
1962And the worst of it was that it did!
1963%
1964A bar patron returned from the men's room grumbling to himself.
1965 "What's the trouble, buddy?" the bartender inquired.
1966 "You got John Wayne toilet paper in there!"
1967 "What do you mean?" the barkeeper asked.
1968 "It's rough, it's tough, and it doesn't take shit from nobody."
1969%
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1970A bather whose clothing was strewed
1971By breezes that left her quite nude,
1972 Saw a man come along
1973 And, unless I'm quite wrong,
1974You expected this line to be lewd.
1975%
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1976A beachcomber of 25 had been shipwrecked on a desert island since the age of
1977six. One day, while in search of food, he stumbled across a beautifully
1978sensuous female lying on the beach nearly naked; she'd been washed ashore from
1979another shipwreck that morning. After they got over their initial surprise
1980at seeing each other, the girl wanted to know how long he had been alone on
1981this barren bit of land.
1982 "Almost twenty years," he answered.
1983 "Twenty years!" she exclaimed. "But how ever did you survive?"
1984 "Oh, I fish, dig for clams, and gather berries and coconuts," he
1985replied.
1986 "And what do you do for sex?" she asked.
1987 "What's that?" He looked puzzled.
1988 Whereupon the maiden pulled the innocent young man down onto the sand
1989beside her and proceeded to demonstrate. After they had finished, she asked
1990how he had enjoyed it.
1991 "Great!" was the reply. "But look what it did to my clamdigger!"
1992%
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1993A beat schizophrenic said, "Me?
1994I am not I, I'm a tree."
1995 But another, more sane,
1996 Shouted, "I'm a Great Dane!"
1997And covered his pants leg with pee.
1998%
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1999A beautiful belle of Del Norte
2000Is reckoned disdainful and haughty
2001 Because during the day
2002 She says: "Boys, keep away!"
2003But she fucks in the gloaming like forty.
2004%
2005A beautiful lady named Psyche
2006Is loved by a fellow named Ikey.
2007 One thing about Ike
2008 The lady can't like
2009Is his prick, which is dreadfully spikey.
2010%
2011A beautiful man is paradise for the eyes, hell for the soul, and
2012purgatory for the purse.
2013%
2014A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to see a gynecologist. The doctor takes
2015one look at this woman and his professionalism is a thing of the past. Right
2016away he tells her to undress. After she has disrobed he begins to stroke her
2017thigh. As he does this he says to the woman, "Do you know what I'm doing?"
2018 "Yes," she says, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological
2019abnormalities."
2020 "Correct," says the doctor. He then begins to fondle her breasts.
2021"Do you know what I'm doing now?" he says.
2022 "Yes," says the woman, "you're checking for any lumps or breast
2023cancer."
2024 "That's right," replies the doctor. He then gradually proceeds to
2025having sexual intercourse with her. "Do you know," he pants, "what I'm doing
2026now?"
2027 "Yes," she says. "You're getting herpes."
2028%
2029A beetling young woman named Pridgets
2030Had a violent abhorrence of midgets;
2031 Off the end of a wharf
2032 She once pushed a dwarf
2033Whose truncation reduced her to fidgets.
2034 -- Edward Gorey
2035%
2036A big store buyer had been on the road for nearly two months. Each week he
2037would send his wife a telegram saying,
2038 "Can't come home yet. Still buying."
2039His wife knew that these buying trips usually involved more than business.
2040She tolerated this particular jaunt for a while, but when the third month
2041rolled by and she'd still seen nothing of her husband but the weekly telegrams,
2042she wired him,
2043 "Better come home. I'm selling what you're buying."
2044%
2045A big-bosomed Bunny named Gression
2046Sold cigars at a key-club concession.
2047 When she swiveled about
2048 Even strong men cried out,
2049For her costume did not keep her flesh in.
2050%
2051A bisexual chap name of Lunt
2052Taught himself an unusual stunt.
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2053 He could peel back his spout
2054 Turn the skin inside out
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2055Like a glove, to be used as a cunt!
2056%
2057A bisexual is a man who likes girls as well as the next fellow.
2058%
2059A blind rabbit was hopping through the woods, tripping over logs and crashing
2060into trees. At the same time, a blind snake was slithering through the same
2061forest, with identical results. They chanced to collide head-on in a clearing.
2062 "Please excuse me, sir, I'm blind and I bumped into you accidentally,"
2063apologized the rabbit.
2064 "That's quite all right," replied the snake, "I have the same
2065problem!"
2066 "All my life I've been wondering what I am," said the rabbit, "Do
2067you think you could help me find out?"
2068 "I'll try," said the snake. He gently coiled himself around the
2069rabbit. "Well, you're covered with soft fur, you have a little fluffy tail
2070and long ears. You're... hmmm... you're probably a bunny rabbit!"
2071 "Great!" said the rabbit. "Thanks, I really owe you one!"
2072 "Well," replied the snake, "I don't know what I am, either. Do you
2073suppose you could try and tell me?"
2074 The rabbit ran his paws all over the snake. "Well, you're low, cold
2075and slimey..." And, as he ran one paw underneath the snake, "and you have
2076no balls. You must be an attorney!"
2077%
2078A bobby of Nottingham Junction
2079Whose organ had long ceased to function
2080 Deceived his good wife
2081 For the rest of her life
2082With the aid of his constable's truncheon.
2083%
2084A broken-down harlot named Tupps
2085Was heard to confess in her cups:
2086 "The height of my folly
2087 Was diddling a collie-
2088But I got a nice price for the pups."
2089%
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2090A bureaucracy is like a septic tank -- all the really big shits float
2091to the top.
2092%
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2093A burlesque dancer, a pip
2094Named Virginia, could peel in a zip;
2095 But she read science fiction
2096 And died of constriction
2097Attempting a Moebius strip.
2098 -- Cyril Kornbluth, "The Unfortunate Topology"
2099%
2100A businessman was awe-struck by the beautiful redhead at the hotel bar.
2101Seeing his interest, she quietly informed him that she was a prostitute
2102and that her price was $500. He was taken aback by the price, but after
2103a few minutes of thought he took her up to his room. She spent a few
2104minutes in the bathroom and was shocked when she came out to see him
2105masturbating furiously on the bed. "What are you doing?", she asked.
2106 "Baby, for $500, you're not going to get the easy one!"
2107%
2108A busy young lady named Gloria
2109Was had by Sir Gerald du Maurier
2110 And then by six men,
2111 Sir Gerald again,
2112And the band at the Waldorf-Astoria.
2113%
2114A cabin boy on an old clipper
2115Grew steadily flipper and flipper.
2116 He plugged up his ass
2117 With fragments of glass
2118And thus circumcised his old skipper.
2119%
2120A Catholic and a Methodist were carpooling to work one morning, when a brick
2121fell out of the sky, which startled the driver and caused him to swerve off
2122the road and into a telephone pole, totaling the car.
2123 The two stumbled out of the wreckage, both feeling quite fortunate
2124to be alive. The Catholic crossed himself. Then the Protestant crossed
2125himself in an accentuated manner.
5e79e90c 2126 "Hey," said the Catholic, "Why did you cross yourself, you're not
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2127Catholic!"
2128 "Just checking," replied his friend, crossing himself again,
5e79e90c 2129"spectacles, testicles, wallet, pen."
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2130%
2131A cautious young fellow named Lodge,
2132Had seatbelts installed in his Dodge.
2133 With his date all strapped in
2134 He committed a sin
2135Without even leaving the garage.
2136 -- "A Boy and His Dog"
2137%
2138A cautious young fellow named Tunney
2139Had a whang that was worth any money.
2140 When eased in half-way,
2141 The girl's sigh made him say,
2142"Why the sigh?" "For the rest of it, honey."
2143%
2144A certain bartender decided to try to get a few new customers into his bar
2145by starting a gimmick involving a horse. His claim was that if anyone could
2146get the horse to laugh, he would give them drinks on the house. The idea
2147worked well and business improved until one night a young man walked in and
2148whispered in the horse's ear. The horse immediately burst into hysterical
2149laughter and the man won the contest. The next night the same thing
2150happened: the man whispered in the horse's ear and the horse burst out
2151laughing. The next night, the bartender decided to change the rules. Now,
2152a person had to get the horse to cry in order to win the drinks on the
2153house. Later on that night, the same guy came in and said "Can I take the
2154horse into the bathroom for a minute? I promise I'll make him cry." The
2155bartender agreed and sure enough, when the man came out leading the horse,
2156the horse was crying his eyes out. The bartender could take it no more and
2157said, "How did you make him laugh the other two nights?"
2158 "I told him that my dick was bigger than his", replied the man.
2159 "How did you make him cry tonight?"
2160 "I proved it."
2161%
2162A certain young man, it was noted,
2163Went about in the heat thickly-coated;
2164 He said, "You may scoff,
2165 But I shan't take it off;
2166Underneath I am horribly bloated."
2167 -- Edward Gorey
2168%
2169A certain young person of Ghent,
2170Uncertain if lady or gent,
2171 Shows his organs at large
2172 For a small handling charge
2173To assist him in paying the rent.
2174%
2175A certain young sheik of Algiers
2176Said to his harem, "My dears,
2177 Though you may think it odd of me,
2178 I'm tired of just sodomy
2179Let's try straight fucking." (loud cheers!)
2180%
2181A chap down in Oklahoma
2182Had a cock that could sing La Paloma,
2183 But the sweetness of pitch
2184 Couldn't put off the hitch
2185Of impotence, size and aroma.
2186%
2187A charmer from old Amarillo,
2188Sick of finding strange heads on her pillow,
2189 Decided one day
2190 That to keep men away
2191She would stuff up her crevice with Brillo.
2192%
2193A chippy who worked in Black Bluff
2194Had a pussy as large as a muff.
2195 It had room for both hands
2196 And some intimate glands,
2197And was soft as a little duck's fluff.
2198%
2199A chiseler is a man who goes stag to a wife-swapping party.
2200%
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2201A Christian is a man who feels repentance on Sunday for what he did on
2202Saturday and is going to do on Monday.
2203 -- Thomas Ybarra
2204%
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2205A clergical student named Simms
2206Hums liturgical tunes while he rims:
2207 A nice piece of ass
2208 Gets the B-Minor Mass ...
2209All the others get Anglican hymns.
2210%
2211A clerical student named Pryne
2212Through pain sought to reach the divine:
2213 He wore a hair shirt,
2214 Quite often ate dirt,
2215And bathed every Friday in brine.
2216 -- Edward Gorey
2217%
2218A clever young man named Eugene
2219Invented a jack-off machine.
2220 On the twenty-third stroke
2221 The fuckin' thing broke
2222And beat both his balls to a creame.
2223%
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2224A clitoris is a lot like Antarctica;
2225most men know it's there, but few really care.
2226%
2227A cocksucking steno named Beeman
5e79e90c 2228Remarked as she swallowed my semen:
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2229 "On my minuscule salary
2230 I must watch every calorie,
2231So I get `ahead' eating you he-men!"
2232%
2233A computer called Illiac4
2234Had a rather tough bug in its core.
2235 It chewed up its cards
2236 And spewed yards and yards
2237Of illegible tape on the floor.
2238%
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2239A contortionist hailing from Lynch
2240Used to rent out his tool by the inch.
2241 A foot cost a quid --
2242 He could and he did
2243Stretch it to three in a pinch.
2244%
2245A corpulent maiden named Kroll
2246Had a notion exceedingly droll:
2247 At a masquerade ball,
2248 Dressed in nothing at all,
2249She backed in as a Parker House roll.
2250%
2251A couple more shots of whiskey, women 'round here start looking good.
2252
2253 [something about a 10 being a 4 after a six-pack? Ed.]
2254%
2255A couple took their young son for his first visit to the circus, and by
2256chance their seats were next to the elephant pen. When his father left
2257to buy popcorn, the boy piped up,
2258 "Mom, what's that long thing on the elephant?"
2259 "That's the elephant's trunk, dear," she replied.
2260 "No, not that."
2261 "Oh, that's the elephant's tail."
2262 "No, Mom. Down underneath."
2263 His mother blushed and said, "Oh, that's nothing."
2264 Pretty soon the father returned, and the mother went off to get
2265a soda. As soon as she had left the boy repeated his question.
2266 "That's the elephant's trunk, son."
2267 "Dad, I know what an elephant's trunk is. The thing at the
2268other end."
2269 "Oh, that's the elephant's tail."
2270 "No. Down there."
2271 The father took a good look and explained, "That's the elephant's
2272penis."
2273 "Dad, how come when I asked Mom, she said it was nothing?"
2274 The man took a deep breath and replied, "Son, I've *spoiled*
2275that woman."
2276%
2277A couple was fishing near Clombe
2278When the maid began looking quite glum,
2279 And said, "Bother the fish!
2280 I'd rather coish!"
2281Which they did -- which was why they had come.
2282%
2283A cowhand way out in Seattle
2284Had a dooflicker flat as a paddle.
2285 He said, "No, I can't fuck
2286 A lamb or a duck,
2287But golly! it just fits the cattle."
2288%
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2289A CS student named Lin
2290Had a prick the size of a pin
2291 It was no good for girls
2292 But just great for squirrels
2293Who squealed with delight with it in.
2294%
2295A cute little twerp from Samoa
2296Had a cock of one inch and no moa.
2297 It was good for keyholes
2298 And debutantes' peeholes
2299But not worth a damn on a whoa.
2300%
2301A daredevil skater named Lowe,
2302Leaps barrels arranged in the snow,
2303 But is proudest of doing,
2304 Some incredible screwing,
2305Since he's jumped thirteen girls in a row!
2306%
2307A deep-throated virgin named Netty
2308Was sucking a cock on the jetty.
2309 She said, "It tastes nice,
2310 Much better than rice,
2311Though not quite as good as spaghetti."
2312%
2313A definition of teaching: casting fake pearls before real swine.
2314 -- Bill Cain, "Stand Up Tragedy"
2315%
2316A delighted, incredulous bride
5e79e90c 2317Remarked to her groom at her side:
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2318 "I never could quite
2319 Believe till tonight
2320Our anatomies would coincide."
2321%
2322A dentist, young doctor Malone,
2323Got a charming girl patient alone,
2324 And, in his depravity,
2325 Filled the wrong cavity.
2326God, how his practice has grown.
2327%
2328A despairing old landlord named Fyfe,
2329With a frigid and quarrelsome wife,
2330 Let his third-story front,
2331 To a willing young cunt,
2332Who supplied him a new lease on life!
2333%
2334A desperate spinster from Clare
2335Once knelt in the moonlight all bare,
2336 And prayed to her God
2337 For a romp on the sod--
2338'Twas a passerby answered her prayer.
2339%
2340A distinguished professor from Swarthmore
2341Got along with a sexy young sophomore.
2342 As quick as a glance
2343 He stripped off his pants,
2344But he found that the sophomore'd got off more.
2345%
2346A doctoral student from Buckingham
2347Wrote his thesis on cunts and on fucking'em.
2348 But a dropout from paree
2349 Taught him Gamahuchee
2350- so he added a footnote on sucking 'em.
2351%
2352A doctoral student from Buckingham
2353Wrote his thesis on cunts and on fucking'em.
2354 But a dropout from paree
2355 Taught him Gamahuchee
2356So he added a footnote on sucking 'em.
2357%
2358A do-it-yourselfer named Alice,
2359Used a dynamite stick for a phallus.
2360 She blew her vagina
2361 To South Carolina,
2362And her tits landed somewhere in Dallas.
2363
2364A cute friend of hers, Fanny Hill,
2365Used two dynamite sticks for a dil.
2366 They found her vagina,
2367 In South Carolina,
2368And part of her ass in Brazil.
2369%
2370A dolly in Dallas named Alice,
2371Whose overworked sex is all callous,
2372 Wore the foreskin away
2373 On uncircumcised Ray,
2374Through exuberance, tightness, and malice.
2375%
2376A dreary young bank clerk named Fennis
2377Wished to foster an aura of menace;
2378 To make people afraid
2379 He wore gloves of grey suede
2380And white footgear intended for tennis.
2381 -- Edward Gorey
2382%
2383A dreary young bank clerk named Fennis
2384Wished to foster an aura of menace.
2385 To make people afraid
2386 He wore gloves of grey suede
2387And white footgear intended for tennis.
2388 -- Edward Gorey, "Amphigorey"
2389%
43920920 2390A drunk was sitting at the end of the bar in a popular singles' place,
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2391watching a young, good-looking man working his way through the women. The
2392guy didn't appear to be having much luck, and he was only spending a few
2393moments with each woman. As he worked his way closer, while he couldn't
2394hear what the young man was saying, he realized that the women were somewhat
2395shocked at his approach. Finally, the man approaches a pretty brunette and
2396they hit it off immediately. After a bit of quiet conversation, she handed
2397the young man her hotel key and they started off for the elevators. As they
2398passed the drunk, he stopped the lucky one and asked him what his method was.
2399 "Well," the man replied, "It's simple. You say 'Tickle your ass
2400with a feather?' If she sounds interested, you take it from there. If she
2401sounds angry, you smile and say 'Typically nasty weather.'"
2402 The drunk says "Ohhhhh, got it, I got it!" and walks over to a woman
2403at the end of the bar to try out his new approach. Getting her attention,
2404he smiles and says "Fuck me!"
2405 "What?!?!?" she screams.
2406 "Raining like hell, isn't it?"
2407%
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2408A friend of mine received a note through the mail advising him,
2409 "If you don't stop making love to my wife, I'll kill you."
2410The trouble is, the note wasn't signed.
2411%
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2412A friend with weed is a friend indeed.
2413%
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2414A friendly message from your Internal Revenue Service: tax time is
2415coming again soon. Bend over.
2416%
2417A gambler was telling a friend about his first junket to Las Vegas and how
2418hard it was to get any sleep.
2419 "I was awakened at one, two and four in the morning by a
2420drunken chorus girl banging on the door and screaming," he recalled.
2421 "That's terrible," the friend said." How'd you ever get any sleep?"
2422 "At five o'clock I unlocked the door and let her out."
2423%
2424A game can by God repent or we'll punish it.
2425That's how they did it in Salem in the seventeenth century,
2426and that's how we'll do it now.
2427 -- Dick Hamlet
2428%
2429A genius is a queer who can whistle while he works.
2430 -- Bobby Knight
2431%
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2432A gorgeous young sophomore is having an affair with her English
2433professor. She goes home to visit her family for Christmas vacation
2434and when she gets back, she immediately invites him over for the
2435night. As soon as he walks through the door she hugs him and
2436asks, "Were you blue while I was away?"
2437 "Blown, my dear," the professor corrects her, "blown."
2438%
2439A grade school teacher, who was doing a unit on World War II heard that
2440the father of one of her students had been a fighter pilot during the war
2441with one of the Scandinavian Air Forces. She invited him to come in and
2442speak to the class. The guy was more than happy to talk, and began with
2443a story about a morning patrol where he had been nearly shot down.
2444 "We had been up for about 20 minutes flying over enemy held
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2445territory, when we noticed, just in time, 3 Fokkers diving on us from above."
2446At the first mention of `Fokkers' the class giggled a little bit.
984263bc 2447 "Our group broke formation, and began the dog-fighting. As we
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2448fought, we noticed 2 more Fokkers coming at us from above and 2 more
2449Fokkers, fresh from the landing field, come to join the battle".
2450At this second and third mention of `Fokkers' the class was almost laughing
984263bc 2451openly, and the teacher interrupted the story to ask the pilot to explain
5e79e90c 2452to the class that a 'Fokker' was a particular type of plane flown by the
984263bc 2453German Air Force.
43920920 2454 He replied, "Ya, dat is true, but these Fokkers were Messerschmitts."
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2455%
2456A group of scientists discovered an apelike creature in the jungle, which
2457they hoped would prove to be the missing link. The proof of their theory,
2458however, required that a human mate with the animal so that they could see
2459what characteristics the offspring would assume. Needing volunteers, the
2460scientists placed an ad in the paper: "$5000 to mate with ape."
2461 Almost immediately, they received response from a man who said he
2462would be willing to take part in the experiment, with three conditions.
2463 "First," he said, "my wife must never know. Second, any children
2464must be baptized. And, third, I'd have to pay in installments."
2465%
2466A guest in a household quite charmless
2467Was informed its eccentric was harmless:
2468 "If you're caught unawares
2469 At the head of the stairs,
2470Just remember, he's eyeless and armless."
2471 -- Edward Gorey
2472%
2473A guy comes into a bar with a frog and sets it down next to the prettiest
2474girl there.
2475 "This is a very special frog," he informs her. "His name is Charlie."
2476 "What's so special about this frog?" she asks.
2477He's reluctant to tell her, but when pressed, explains that,
2478 "This frog can eat pussy."
2479The girl slaps him, knocking him off his chair, and accuses him of telling her
2480a filthy lie. But no, he assures her, it's completely true. And after much
2481discussion, she agrees to come back to his apartment to see the frog in action.
2482She positions herself appropriately, the guy carefully takes out the frog, and
2483says, "Okay, Charlie, do your stuff!" The frog is immobile, despite his
2484owner's exhortations, and the girl starts to snicker.
2485 "Okay, Charlie, do your stuff!"
2486 "C'mon Charlie, do your stuff!"
2487By now, the girl is laughing openly.
2488 "Okay, Charlie," says the guy, moving the frog out of the way, "I'm
2489only going to show you one more time."
2490%
2491A guy walks into a bar, orders a beer, carries it to the bathroom and dumps it
2492into a urinal. Over the course of the next few hours, he goes back to the bar
2493and repeats this sequence -- several times. Finally the bartender got so
2494curious that he leaned over the bar and asked him what he was doing.
2495 Replied the customer, "Avoiding the middleman."
2496%
2497A habit depraved and unsavory
2498Held the bishop of Bingham in slavery
2499 Midst screeches and howls
2500 He deflowered young owls
2501Which he kept in an underground aviary
2502%
2503A habit obscene and bizarre,
2504Has taken a-hold of papa.
2505 He brings home young camels
2506 And other odd mammals,
2507And gives them a go at mama.
2508%
2509A habit obscene and unsavory,
2510Holds a CS professor in slavery.
2511 With maniacal howls,
2512 He deflowers young owls,
2513That he keeps in an underground aviary.
2514%
2515A hacker who screwed a mag tape
2516Was caught and convicted of rape.
2517 To jail he did go,
2518 From which, to his woe
2519He couldn't get out with ESC.
2520%
2521A hacker-turned-pervert named Fisk
2522Made love to the drive of his disk.
2523 The thing circumsized him,
2524 Which rather surprised him.
2525He wasn't aware of *that* risk.
2526%
2527A hand in a bird is worth two on 'er bush.
2528%
2529A hand in the bush is worth two on the bird.
2530%
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2531A hard man is good to find.
2532%
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2533A huge Rambolike fellow walked into a tavern and took a seat in the middle of
2534the bar. After downing a double in one gulp, he glared at the six men to his
2535right and said, "You're all no-good motherfuckers. Anyone have a problem with
2536that?"
2537 When no one said a word, the brawny fellow ordered another whiskey,
2538downed it in one gulp, turned to the five men on his left and said, "You're
2539all cocksuckers. Anyone have a problem with that?"
2540 Everybody on the left stared silently into his drink. Suddenly, a man
2541on the right stood up and started walking toward the big guy. "Hey, asshole!"
2542the thug bellowed. "You got a problem with what I said?"
2543 "No problem at all," came the reply. "I was just sitting at the wrong
2544end of the bar."
2545%
2546A hunter saved a native boy from a boa constrictor. In gratitude, the boy gave
2547the hunter a magic gorilla prick. The lad said the prick would do anything you
2548told it to do until you told it to do something else. When the hunter returned
2549home to England, he put the magic gorilla prick on the mantle along with some
2550of his other trophies. His wife thought it quaint and his story charming. But
2551soon, the hunter went a-safariing again. He was away for months. One evening,
2552the woman eyed the MGP carefully and whispered, "Gorilla Prick, fuck me."
2553Whereupon the thing jumped off the mantle and began to bang her with great
2554thoroughness and ferocity. For the first twenty minutes it was pure heaven,
2555but after the next few minutes it became fatiguing, and she said, "Stop it,
2556Gorilla Prick," but it didn't. After a bit more she was screaming "Stop!
2557Stop!" at the thing and trying to pull it out of her smoking hole. But nothing
2558worked. Finally, the butler bursts into the room, summoned by her screams.
2559 "Saunders, help me please!"
2560 "But what is it, Madame?"
2561 "It's a Magic Gorilla Prick!"
2562 "Gorilla prick, my ass!! ... AAAaaeeeeeeeeeiiiiiiiii!!!!!!"
2563%
2564A husky foreigner, looking for sex, accepted a prostitute's terms. When
2565she undressed, he noticed that she had no pubic hair. The man shouted,
2566"What, no wool? In my country all women have wool down there."
43920920 2567 The prostitute snapped back, "What do you want to do, knit or fuck?"
984263bc 2568%
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2569A lisping fag fell off a pleasure yacht and began to scream. "Help! Help, I
2570can't thwim!" One of the other passengers heard the caterwauling and leaned
2571over the rail, remarking, "Really, there's no need to scream. Just reach out
2572and grab that buoy near you." To which the floundering sodomite answered,
2573"Buoy! Oh, thith ith no time for thekth, you degenerate... I'm dwowning!"
2574%
2575A little bit of rape is good for a man's soul.
2576 -- Norman Mailer
2577%
2578A little Mexican boy comes home from school one day and says to his grand-
2579father, "Granddaddy, today my teacher said that Pancho Villa, the bandit
2580used to raid towns around here! Did you ever know him?"
2581 "Do *I* know Pancho Villa?" exclaims the man. "Why, boy, before
2582your father was born, I was riding into town on my horse. Suddenly, from
2583behind the bushes leaped Pancho with his six-guns drawn! He told me to get
2584down off the horse and to give him all my money. Then, he told me to scoop
2585some manure from the ground and eat it!"
2586 "I refused at first, but Pancho had the guns, so I ate the shit.
2587And he started laughing so hard that it scared his horse into rearing up --
2588I grabbed the guns from his hands! I said to Pancho, `Okay, Pancho, now
2589it's your turn -- you eat the shit!' I had the guns, so he ate the shit.
2590 "And you ask me, child, if I know Pancho Villa, the bandit! Why,
2591we had *lunch* together!"
2592%
2593A lively case was in progress in the District Court at Lick Skillet. Judge
2594Flannery was presiding, and on the witness stand was Tush Bumpass.
2595 "From where ah was standin'", drawled Tush, "Ah could see he'd
2596backed 'er up agin' thet there wall, and ef Ah ever sawed a screwin' match,
2597thet one wuz!"
2598 "Mr. Bumpass," the Judge interrupted, "I'd prefer that you not use
2599the word 'screw' in the courtroom. Say 'intercourse' instead."
2600 Tush looked puzzled. "Intercourse? Whut's thet, Judge?"
2601 His Honor sighed. "It's a technicality of language that you're
2602probably not aware of. Never mind. Please continue."
2603 "Well, like ah said, he had 'er shoved up agin' thet wall, an' he
2604was... uh... intercoursin' 'er, an' he give 'er the crossjostle, the Chicago
5e79e90c 2605Stroke, an' she let out with a holler thet..."
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2606 "One moment," interrupted the Bench. "What is this, ah, Chicago
2607Stroke, Mr. Bumpass?"
2608 "Well, thet's a technicality of screwin', Judge, thet you're probably
2609not aware of!"
2610%
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2611A man and a woman got married. Although it is the first time for the
2612husband, it is the woman's second marriage. As they go to bed on their
2613wedding night, the wife says to her husband:
2614
2615 "Dear, there's something I must tell you. I'm a virgin."
2616Naturally, the husband is surprised.
2617 "You've been married before!", he says, "How can you still be a
2618virgin?"
2619 "Well, it's all quite simple," she retorted, "my husband was a
2620computer programmer."
2621 "What's so odd about that?", he asked. "Why would you still be
2622a virgin after a marriage to a programmer?"
2623 "Well", she said, "all he did was sit on the edge of the bed and
2624tell me how great it was going to be."
2625%
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2626A man goes into a hospital for a routine appendectomy. When he wakes up
2627from the anesthesia, he sees a large group of doctors gathered anxiously
2628around his bed.
2629 "What happened?" he asks worriedly.
2630 "Well," says one of the doctors, "there was a small clerical error,
2631and you got mixed-up with another patient. Instead of an appendectomy, we
2632performed a sex-change operation. Your penis has been removed and a vagina
2633has been crafted into place."
2634 "WHAT!!!" screams the man. "That's horrible! What am I going to
2635tell my wife? Can't you reverse it? This means I'm never going to experience
2636another erection!"
2637 "Well, you will, you *will*," reassures the doctor, "but it will, of
2638course, have to be someone else's."
2639%
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2640A man is driving down the road on his way to Salerno. By the roadside he
2641sees a man hitchhiking and stops to pick him up. As the man gets into his
2642car he suddenly pulls out a gun and makes the driver get out of the car.
2643 "All right, buddy," says the man, "I want to you jerk off."
2644 "What!?" says the man, disbelievingly.
2645 "Go ahead, do it!" says the hitchhiker.
2646 So the driver masturbates, and when he is through, says, "All right,
2647I did what you wanted, can I go now?"
2648 "Nope," says the hijacker. "Do it again."
2649 "Again?" the driver exclaims. "I just did it."
2650 "Do it again."
2651 It takes a little longer this time, but he manages to come again.
2652Panting, he turns to his tormenter and again asks if he can leave.
2653 "Yes," the man replies, "but only after you've done it one more
2654time."
2655 The guy is really scared now; he's starting to sweat. It takes him
2656twenty minutes, this time, but he finally comes a third time.
2657 "Listen, buddy, can I please leave now?"
2658 "Yeah," says the man, lowering his gun. "And this is my daughter;
2659I want you to drive her into Salerno."
2660%
2661A man is marooned on a desert island with a female sheep and a male Doberman
2662for companionship. The animals soon get it on sexually, and all goes well
2663until the man becomes unbearably horny and makes his move for the ewe, at
2664which point the dog interposes himself, snarling, fangs bared. Months later,
2665a raft drifts into sight. The sailor swims out, finds a beautiful girl on it,
2666takes her to shore and feeds and comforts her.
2667 "You are so good to me," she responds gratefully. "I'd do absolutely
2668anything to show my gratitude."
2669 "Would you?" smiles the sailor as he unfastens the length of rope
2670that holds up his ragged pants. "Well, then, here -- use this as a leash
2671and take that damn dog for a walk!"
2672%
2673A man is playing golf at a very exclusive country club when he hits a hole-
2674in-one. As he takes his ball from the cup, a genie appears.
2675 "Since you've made a hole in one, you may have a single wish. What
2676is your heart's desire?"
2677 "Great!", replies the man. I want a longer penis."
2678 "Your wish is granted," says the genie, and promptly disappears.
2679 As the golfer continues through the rest of the course he can
2680feel his penis slowly growing, to an extent that it's becoming uncomfortable.
2681By the time he completes the 18th hole it's extended down his pants leg to
2682his knee. Thinking to himself that this isn't quite what he had in mind, he
2683grabs a bucket of balls and heads back out onto the course. Three weeks later,
2684he manages another hole-in-one and the genie reappears.
2685 "Since you've made a hole in one, you may have a single wish. What
2686is your heart's desire?"
2687 "Yeah, I know all that," replies the man. "Listen, could you make
2688my legs longer?"
2689%
2690A man is talking to his wife when he mentions that there's a "Big Dick"
2691contest at one of the bars in town and the prize for the winner is $1000.
2692 "Oh, honey," she exclaims, "I don't want you taking that thing
2693out in public!"
2694 "But baby," he says, "$1000 is a lot of money."
2695 "I don't care!" she says, stamping her foot. "I don't want you
2696showing that thing to everybody."
2697 And the subject isn't mentioned again, until the following evening
2698when he hands her $1000.
2699 "Did you enter the contest, even after I told you I didn't want
2700you to?" she asks.
2701 "Please forgive me, turtle dove," he says. "I thought we could use
2702the money."
2703 "You mean you took that thing out for everybody to see?" she says,
2704tears welling up in her eyes.
2705 "Only enough to win, honey, only enough to win."
2706%
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2707A man needs a mistress, just to break the monogamy.
2708%
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2709A man never minds being in the doghouse
2710as long as he can get his tail outside.
2711%
2712A man rushed into a bar and breathlessly asked the bartender to pour him
2713three straight scotches. The bartender complied, and watched as he downed
2714them one after another.
2715 "Why three scotches?" the bartender asked as he paused for breath.
2716 "Well, to be honest, I'm celebrating my first blow-job."
2717 "Hell, congratulations, the next one's on me."
2718 "No, thanks," the young man replied, "if the first three didn't get
2719the taste out of my mouth, I don't think another one will."
2720%
2721A man sat down next to another passenger on a train recently and couldn't
2722help overhearing his conversation out the window with a man standing on
2723the train platform.
2724 "Thanks for putting me up while I was here, Sam," said the passenger.
2725 "Glad to do it," said the other man.
2726 "Thanks for the food and the drinks -- everything was wonderful."
2727 "It was a pleasure," said the man.
2728 "And thank your wife, Sam, she was great," said the passenger,
2729"she was a truly great lay."
2730 The man was rather taken aback by this exchange and he later turned
2731to his fellow passenger and said: "Pardon me sir, but did I understand you
2732to say that your friend's wife was a great lay?"
2733 "Well," said the other passenger, "I didn't REALLY enjoy it. But
2734Sam is a helluva nice guy."
2735%
2736A man walks into the doctor's office and the doctor says to him, "I've got
2737some good news and some bad news."
2738 "Tell me the good news first" the patient replies.
2739 "The good news is that your penis is going to be about two inches
2740longer and about an inch wider," the doctor says.
2741 "That's great!" says his patient. "What's the bad news?"
2742 "Malignant."
2743%
2744A man was playing golf one day when a little frog hopped out the water at a
43920920 2745water hazard and croaked, "I am a magic frog, and since you are the 10,000th
984263bc
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2746person to play through here, I'm prepared to offer you one of two magic gifts:
2747First, for a whole year you can have the most fabulous sex life that anyone
2748ever had; beyond your wildest dreams. Or, second, for a whole year you can
2749be the best golfer the world has ever known. Which do you prefer?" The man
2750thought a bit and said that he'd take the golf. Well, the man holed his wood
2751shot from where he was, completed the course in an average of 2 per hole, and
2752went round in 22. Quickly he attracted the attention of the sports world,
2753and became the world's best-known golfer, setting course records wherever
2754he went. A year later he was playing the same course inhabited by the frog,
2755and at the water hazard the frog hopped out and said, "Well, the year is up,
2756and you now revert to the 18-handicap player you were before. But tell me, I
2757was a little surprised that you chose the golf -- I take it your sex life is
2758outstanding?" The man said, "Well, I have no complaints in that department
2759at all, which is why I chose the golf." "How many times did you engage in sex
2760last year?" inquired the frog. The man thought a little and said, "Oh, eight
2761or ten times, I guess." "Damn," said the frog, "that doesn't strike me as very
2762satisfactory." "Oh, I don't know," replied the man, "it doesn't seem so bad
2763for a Catholic priest from a little town in South Dakota."
2764%
2765A man was talking to his best friend about his married life. "You know," he
2766says, "I really trust my wife, and I think she has always been faithful to
2767me, but there's *always* that doubt. There's *always* that little doubt."
2768 "Yeah, I know what you mean," his friend replies.
2769 "Well, buddy, I've got to leave on a business trip this weekend,
2770and I wonder... well... would you watch my house while I'm gone? I trust
2771her, it's just that there's *always* that doubt."
2772 The friend agreed to help out and two weeks later gave his report.
2773 "I've got some bad news for you," says the friend. "The evening
2774after you left I saw a strange car pull up in front of your house. A man
2775got out of the car and went in the house and had dinner with your wife.
2776After dinner they went upstairs and I saw your wife kissing him. Then, he
2777took off his shirt and she took off her blouse. And then the light went
2778out."
2779 "*Then* what happened?" said the husband, his eyes opening wide.
2780 "Well, I don't know," replied the friend, "it was too dark to see."
2781 "Damn!" roared the husband. "You see what I mean? There's *always*
2782that doubt!"
2783%
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2784A man with no arms walked into a bar and asked for a beer. The bartender
2785shoved the foaming glass in front of him.
2786 "Look," said the customer, "I have no arms -- would you please hold
2787the glass for me?
2788 "Sure," said the bartender.
2789 "If," said the customer, "you'll reach in my right hand coat pocket,
2790you'll find the money for the beer."
2791 The bartender got the money and rang up the bill.
2792 "You've been very kind," said the customer. "Just one thing more.
2793Where is the men's room?"
2794 "Up the street to the light," said the bartender, "turn left, walk
2795two blocks, and there's a gas station on the corner."
2796%
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2797A man's father is very, very old, and the son can't afford very good treatment
2798for him, so he's in a rather shabby, run-down nursing home. One day the son
2799wins a lottery -- and the first thing he does is install his father in the best
2800old age home that money can buy.
2801 On the first day the old man is sitting watching TV, and he starts
2802to lean a little bit to one side. Right away a nurse runs over and gently
2803straightens the old man. A little later he's eating dinner, and when he
2804finishes, he begins to tip a little bit to one side. Another nurse runs
2805over and gently pushes him upright again.
2806 The son visits his father later that evening and asks him how he's
2807being treated.
2808 "It's a wonderful place, son," replies the father. "I really like
2809it here, gourmet food, color TV's in every room, the service is unbelievable,
2810there's just one little problem."
2811 "What's that, Dad?"
2812 "They won't let you fart."
2813%
9401d887
US
2814A mathematician named Hall
2815Has a hexahedronical ball,
2816 And the cube of its weight
2817 Times his pecker's, plus eight
2818Is his phone number -- give him a call.
2819%
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2820A midget had a date with a very tall girl. It was a quiff-hanger.
2821%
9401d887
US
2822"A Mormon is a man that has the bad taste and the religion to do what a
2823good many other people are restrained from doing by conscientious
2824scruples and the police."
2825 -- Mr. Dooley
2826%
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2827A mouse was sniffing around in a meadow, when an eagle swooped down,
2828swallowed him whole, and rose up in the air again. The mouse worked
2829his way through until his head was sticking out of the bird's asshole.
2830 "Say, good buddy," he squeaked, "how high up are we, anyway?"
2831 "Oh, about two thousand feet," answered the eagle.
2832 The mouse's eyes bugged out. "Hey, you wouldn't shit me, would you?"
2833%
2834A new lumberjack had just finished his first month in the lonely wilds of
2835Alaska, where there were no women for miles. He finally couldn't take it
2836anymore and nervously asked the foreman what the other men did to relieve
2837the pressure.
2838 "Try the hole in the barrel outside the shower," suggested the
2839foreman. "The other men swear by it."
2840 The lumberjack dubiously tried it out and had the experience of
2841his life. "That barrel is fantastic! Warm! Wet! I'm going to use it
2842every day!"
2843 "Every day but the third Wednesday of the month," one of the
2844other men replied.
2845 "Why not then?"
2846 "That's your day in the barrel."
2847%
9401d887
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2848A Nixon [is preferable to] a Dean Rusk -- who will be passionately
2849wrong with a high sense of consistency.
2850 -- J. K. Galbraith
2851%
2852A non-vegetarian anti-abortionist is a contradiction in terms.
2853 -- Phyllis Schlafly
2854%
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2855A Norse god decides to assume human form, come down from Valhalla, and check
2856out the local action. He finds himself in the piano bar of Caesar's Boardwalk
2857Regency in Atlantic City, and sits down to sip an Acquavit or two. After a few
2858minutes, an extremely attractive young woman, having been taken with his form
2859and features, sends a drink down to him, then joins him. The chemistry between
2860them is immediate and total. They have the next drink in her room, and spend
2861the night repeatedly making passionate love. The woman has no idea of her
2862partner's true identity; all she knows is he's driving her mad. In the
2863morning, the Norse god jumps into the shower. Reflecting on the previous
2864night he decides that he wants to be honest with his new lover. Without even
2865bothering to wrap himself in a towel, he leaps from the shower into the room,
2866where the woman is still in bed, exhausted. He kneels beside the bed, looks
2867deep into her eyes and says, "Honey, I have something very important to tell
2868you -- I'm Thor!".
2869 The woman looks at him. "You're Thor?", she says. "My inthides feel
2870like grated cheeth!"
2871%
2872A nubile female virtually never experiences difficulty in finding willing
2873sexual partners, and in a natural habitat nubile females are probably always
2874married. The basic female "strategy" is to obtain the best possible husband,
2875to be fertilized by the fittest available male (always, of course, taking
2876risk into account), and to maximize the returns on sexual favors bestowed:
2877to be sexually aroused by the sight of males would promote random matings,
2878thus undermining all of these aims, and would also waste time and energy
2879that could be spent in economically significant activities and in nurturing
2880children. A female's reproductive success would be seriously compromised
2881by the propensity to be sexually aroused by the sight of males.
2882 -- Donald Symons, "The Evolution of Human Sexuality",
2883 attempting to explain the lack of female interest in
2884 pornography.
2885%
2886A nubile female virtually never experiences difficulty in finding willing
2887sexual partners, and in a natural habitat nubile females are probably always
2888married. The basic female "strategy" is to obtain the best possible husband,
2889to be fertilized by the fittest available male (always, of course, taking
2890risk into account), and to maximize the returns on sexual favors bestowed:
2891to be sexually aroused by the sight of males would promote random matings,
2892thus undermining all of these aims, and would also waste time and energy
2893that could be spent in economically significant activities and in nurturing
2894children. A female's reproductive success would be seriously compromised
2895by the propensity to be sexually aroused by the sight of males.
2896 -- Donald Symons, "The Evolution of Human Sexuality",
2897 attempting to explain the lack of female interest in
2898 pornography.
2899%
2900A nuclear family is out golfing one day, when it becomes clear that Dad isn't
2901going to win any trophies, at least on this course. On the 3rd hole, after
2902two miserable bogies, he misses a two foot putt and exclaims, "Shit!"
2903 His wife glances over at their sixteen year old daughter and says
2904nothing.
2905 On the fourth hole Dad tees off with an incredible hook, and, after
2906the inevitable exclamation, his wife reproves him with "Honey!"
2907 This continues on, with his golfing getting worse and his wife getting
2908more and more upset about his language. Finally, on the 17th hole, he again
2909misses a very easy putt. Flinging his club down, he curses the hole, the
2910club, and the sunset, using the word "fuck" for the first time. His wife
2911whirls around and cries, "Honey! Our daughter is standing right next to you!"
2912 Feeling remorseful, but somewhat defensive, he turns to the
2913daughter and says, "Well, Cindy, you've heard that word before, haven't
2914you?"
2915 "Yes," the daughter replies, "but never in anger."
2916%
9401d887
US
2917A nymph hits you and steals your virginity.
2918%
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2919A pair of suburban couples who had known each other for quite some time
2920talked it over and decided to do a little conjugal swapping. The trade
2921was made the following evening and the newly arranged couples retired to
2922their respective houses. After about an hour of bedroom bliss, one of
2923the wives propped herself up on an elbow, looked at her new partner and
2924said: "Well, I wonder how the boys are getting along?"
2925%
2926A pederastic necrophiliac is a gentleman who is
2927true to the very end of the end of a friend.
2928%
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2929A performing octopus could play the piano, the zither and a piccolo, and his
2930trainer wanted him to add the bagpipe to his accomplishments. With this in
2931mind, a bagpipe was placed in the octopus's room, and the trainer awaited
2932results. Hours passed, but no bagpipe music was heard. Since the talented
2933octopus usually learned quickly, the trainer was disturbed. Opening the door
2934the next morning, he asked the octopus,
2935 "Have you learned to play that thing yet?"
2936 "Play it!" retorted the octopus. "I've been trying to lay it all
2937night!"
2938%
9401d887
US
2939A person who has both feet planted firmly in the air can be safely
2940called a liberal.
2941%
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2942A policeman is walking his beat when he finds an inebriated man collapsed
2943against a building, weeping uncontrollably and holding his car keys in his
2944hands. He's moaning something about how "They took my car!" Seeing that
2945the man is well-dressed, the officer suspects that he may have a real case
2946of theft on his hands and attempts to question the man.
2947 "What happened to your car?"
2948 "My car, it was right on the end of my key, and those bastards
2949stole it! Please officer, get my Porsche back. My God, it was right on
2950the end of my key! Where is it? They stole it and it was right here;
2951right on my key!"
2952 "OK, OK, stand up, we'll see what we can do. You'll have to come
2953down to the stat... Mister, your fly's unzipped and you're exposing
2954yourself!"
2955 "Oh my God, they stole my girlfriend!"
2956%
9401d887
US
2957A pretty young lady named Vogel
2958Once sat herself down on a molehill.
2959 A curious mole
2960 Nosed into her hole --
2961Ms. Vogel's ok, but the mole's ill.
2962%
2963A pretty young maiden from France
2964Decided she'd "just take a chance."
2965 She let herself go
2966 For an hour or so
2967And now all her sisters are aunts.
2968%
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2969A proctologist is a doctor who puts in a hard day at the orifice.
2970%
2971A programmer down in Moline
2972Said, I'm the match for any machine.
2973 My secret's aversion,
2974 To loops and recursion,
2975Just acres of in-line routine.
2976 -- W.J. Wilson
2977%
2978A progressive professor named Winners
2979Held classes each evening for sinners.
2980 They were graded and spaced
2981 So the vile and debased
2982Would not be held back by beginners.
2983%
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2984A Puritan is someone who is deathly afraid that someone, somewhere, is
2985having fun.
2986%
2987A reactionary is a man whose political opinions always manage to keep
2988up with yesterday.
2989%
2990A remarkable race are the Persians;
2991They have such peculiar diversions.
2992 They make love the whole day
2993 In the usual way
2994And save up the nights for perversions.
2995%
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2996A retired schoolteacher finally decided that she was tired of living alone
2997and wanted some companionship, so after a good deal of thought she decided
2998to visit the local pet shop. The owner suggested a parrot, with which she
2999could conduct a civilized conversation. This seemed to be an excellent
3000idea, so she bought a handsome parrot, sat him on a perch in her living room,
3001and said, "Say 'Pretty boy.'" Silence from the bird. "Come on now, say
3002'Pretty boy ... pretty boy.'"
3003 At long last, disgustedly, the bird said, "Oh, shit."
3004 Shocked, the schoolteacher said, "Just for that, you get five minutes
3005in the refrigerator." Five minutes later she put the shivering bird back on
3006its perch and said, "Now let's hear it: 'Pretty boy ... pretty boy.'"
3007 "Damn it, wouldja lay off, lady?" said the parrot.
3008 Outraged, the woman grabbed the bird, said, "That's it! Ten minutes
3009in the freezer," and slammed the door on him.
3010 Hopping about to keep warm, what does the parrot come across but a
3011big frozen turkey waiting for Thanksgiving. Startled, he squawks, "My God,
3012you must have told the bitch to go fuck herself!"
3013%
3014A Scotsman clad in a kilt walks up to the counter in an Apothecary. From
3015his pocket he takes a plaid condom that has been heavily used, torn, patched,
3016sewn, and is currently split down one side. He asks the proprietor, "How much
5e79e90c 3017to replace this, Ian?" The proprietor says, "Why, Angus, that'll be four
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3018pence." Then the Scotsman asks, "How much to repair?" The prop. looks the
3019condom over carefully, and says "Three pence to repair." The Scotsman ponders
3020for a moment, then says, "I'll be back."
3021 Later in the day, the Scotsman returns with a smile on his face and
3022says, "Ian, the Regiment has voted to repair!"
3023%
3024A Scotsman clad in kilts left a bar one evening fair.
3025One could tell by how he walked, he'd drunk more than his share.
3026He staggered on until he could no longer keep his feet.
3027So he stumbled off into the grass to sleep beside the street.
3028
3029Later on two young and lovely girls just happened by.
3030One says to the other, with a twinkle in her eye.
3031"See yon sleeping Scotsman so young and handsome built?"
3032"I wonder if it's true what they don't wear beneath their kilts?"
3033
3034They stepped up to the Scotsman, so young and fancy free.
3035They lifted up his kilt above the waist so they could see.
3036And there behold for them the view beneath his Scottish skirt,
3037Was nothing more than God had graced him with upon his birth.
3038
3039They marveled for a moment, then one said, "Best be gone."
3040"Let's leave a present for our friend before we move along."
3041As a gift they left a blue ribbon tied into a bow,
3042Around the bonny star of the Scot's kilt lifting show.
3043
3044The Scot awoke to nature's call and stumbled to the trees.
5e79e90c 3045Behind a bush he lifts his kilt and gawks at what he sees.
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3046Then in a startled voice he says to what's before his eyes,
3047"Och, lad I dinna know whar' ya been, but I see ya won first prize."
3048 -- Mike Cross, "The Scotsman"
3049%
3050A sheriff arrived at the scene of the horrible accident just as his deputy,
3051all alone, was climbing down from the controls of a bulldozer. "Say,
3052Junior, what's goin' on?" asked the sheriff.
3053 "A bus full of migrant workers went out of control and over the
3054cliff, and I just finished buryin' 'em," explained the deputy.
3055 "Good work, boy," replied the sheriff. "Pretty gory work -- were
3056all of 'em dead?"
3057 Junior nodded sadly and said, "Some of them said they weren't, but
3058you know how them Mex'cans lie."
3059%
3060A shy young man, preparing himself for what he hoped would be the ultimate sex
3061act with a pretty young lady, went into a drugstore to inquire about sizes and
3062styles of condoms. The lusty proprietress, a buxom widow, saw an opportunity
3063for fun at the lad's expense.
3064 "Come in the back and try some on for size," she said, taking his hand.
3065The widow unzipped the youth's fly and watched the small instrument grow in
3066her hand as she measured it. When the weapon had unfurled to a rosy seven and
3067a half inches, the young man, unable to contain himself, had an orgasm with a
3068tremendous discharge. After recovering, he asked the widow if she could now
3069give him the proper size.
3070 "I'll do more than that," she said. "I'll give you free meals and a
3071half interest in the store."
3072%
3073A son takes his Italian immigrant father to his first baseball game. It
3074happens that it's Old Timer's Day at Yankee stadium and all the baseball
3075greats are there. The son escorts his father to box seats right on the
3076third base line and seats him with beer and a Yankees cap.
3077 The first batter up is Mickey Mantle. On the second pitch he
3078swings that bat and CRACK! The ball ricochets off the wall for a double.
3079The crowd goes crazy and the father stands up and yells, "Runna Mickey!
3080Runna Mickey!"
3081 The next batter up is Joe DiMaggio. The pitcher, pitching him
3082carefully, works him to a 3-2 count and just misses the outside corner.
3083 "Ball four!" yells the umpire and Joe tosses his bat aside and begins
3084to walk to first base.
3085 The father yells out, "Runna Joe! Runna Joe!"
3086 "No, no, Pop," corrects his son. "He got four balls. He walks."
3087 And the old man clenches his fist and says solemnly, "Walka proud
3088Joe. Walka proud."
3089%
3090A stately-looking matron was walking through the Bronx Zoo, studying the
3091animals. When she passed the porcupine enclosure she beckoned to a nearby
3092attendant.
3093 "Young man," she began, "do North American porcupines have sharper
3094pricks than those raised in Africa?"
3095 The attendant hesitated for a moment. "Well, ma'am," he answered,
3096"the African porcupine's quills are sharper... but I think their pricks are
3097about the same."
3098%
3099A stranger had just arrived in the mining town and was spending the evening at
3100the local saloon. After a few drinks, he mentioned to the bartender that he
3101hadn't seen a single woman in the entire town.
3102 The bartender replied, "Nope. Ain't no women in this town!"
3103 "No women? What do the men do for... er..."
3104 "Oh, for sex? Did you see all those pigs in the street? That's the
3105answer, right there."
3106 Shaking his head incredulously, the stranger settled back to his
3107drinking. Within a short time, however, the liquor had convinced him that he
3108wanted to try out a pig himself. He had watched several miners walk upstairs
3109to the trysting rooms with squealing piglets under their arms. Now, he was
3110game to make his move. He wandered out to the back of the saloon and chose
3111a nice fat, pink sow. As he walked to the stairs, the entire saloon went
3112quiet. In the embarrassing hush, all eyes were upon him.
3113 "What's the matter? I thought all you fellows did this!"
3114 "Yeah, but that's Black Bart's girl," replied the barkeep.
3115%
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3116A sweet young schoolteacher who had always been virtuous was invited to go
3117for a ride in the country with the gym instructor, whom she admired. Under
3118a tree on the bank of a quiet lake, she struggled with her conscience and
3119with the gym instructor and finally gave in to the latter. Sobbing
3120uncontrollably she asked her seducer,
3121 "How can I ever face my students again, knowing I have sinned twice?"
3122 "Twice?" asked the young man, confused.
3123 "Why, yes," said the sweet teacher, wiping a tear from her eye.
3124"You're going to do it again, aren't you?"
3125%
3126A teacher announces to her class, "Children, the student who can name the
3127greatest man who ever lived will win a shiny red apple."
3128 Immediately an Italian boy raises his hand.
3129 "Yes, Tony?"
3130 "Christopher Columbus!" says Tony.
3131 "Well," says the teacher, "Christopher Columbus was a very great man,
3132but I don't think he was the greatest man who ever lived."
3133 From the back of the room little Bernie Goldstein raises his hand.
3134 "Yes, Bernie?"
3135 "Jesus Christ", says Bernie.
3136 "That is correct, Bernie," pronounces the teacher. "And here is
3137your apple."
3138 When Bernie gets up to the front of the room to claim his prize,
3139the teacher says, "Bernie, given the fact that you're Jewish, I'm surprised
3140that you thought Jesus was the greatest man who ever lived."
3141 "Well, actually," replies Bernie, "I do think Moses had the edge,
3142but business is business."
3143%
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3144A team playing baseball in Dallas
3145Called the umpire blind out of malice.
3146 While this worthy had fits
3147 The team made eight hits
3148And a girl in the bleachers named Alice.
3149%
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3150A toast to the kisses you've snatched and vice-versa.
3151%
3152A trapper named Francois Lefebrve
3153Once captured and buggered a beabrve.
3154 The result of this fuck
3155 Was a three titted duck,
3156A canoe, and an Irish retriebrve.
3157%
3158A traveling circus was performing in a small town, around the turn of the
3159century, when many of the circus animals were still considered to be very
3160rare and exotic. One night one of the elephants escaped. It was hungry
3161and found a garden in a little old lady's backyard. The woman, who had
3162never before seen an elephant, was hysterical and called the police.
3163
3164Little Old Lady: "There's a *huge* monster in my garden!
3165Police: "Calm down, ma'am, everything will be all right. Now exactly what
3166 does it look like?"
3167LOL: "It's a dark color and it's tremendous! It's pulling up my
3168 vegetables with its tail!"
3169Police: "With its tail? Then what's it doing?"
3170LOL: "You wouldn't believe me if I told you!"
3171%
3172A vasectomy means never having to say you're sorry.
3173%
3174A virgin is chaste.
3175%
3176A virginal is a harpsichord that has never been plucked.
3177%
3178A virtuous abstinence from the joys of pederasty
3179comes most easily to those who have no taste for it.
3180 -- Oscar Wilde
3181%
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3182A wanton young lady from Wimley
3183Reproached for not acting quite primly
3184 Said, "Heavens above!
3185 I know sex isn't love,
3186But it's such an entrancing facsimile."
3187%
3188A widow who fancied a man some
3189Was diddled three times in a hansom.
3190 When she clamored for more
3191 Her young man became sore
3192And exclaimed "My name's Simpson not Samson."
3193%
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3194A witty writer, K. Kraus in the Vienna "Fackel", has as it were, expressed
3195this truth paradoxically in the cynical saying: "Coitus is merely an
3196unsatisfactory substitute for onanism!"
3197 -- Sigmund Freud, attempting to explain why
43920920 3198 masturbation is "by no means harmless"
984263bc 3199%
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3200A woman had a followup visit with her doctor after his prescribing fairly high
3201dosages of testosterone (a male hormone) for her. She was a little worried
3202about some of the side effects she was experiencing.
3203 "Doctor Keyes, the hormones you've been giving me have helped a lot
3204with my menopausal symptoms, but I'm really afraid that you're giving me too
3205much. I've started growing hair in places that I've never grown hair before!"
3206 The doctor reassured her. "A little hair growth is a perfectly normal
3207side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?"
3208 "On my balls."
3209%
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3210A woman is driving down the street, her ten-year-old daughter belted into
3211the passenger seat. The daughter asks "Mommy, how old are you?"
3212 The mother says "That's a personal question. It's not nice to ask
3213people personal questions."
3214 The daughter thinks a while, then asks "Mommy, how much do you weigh?"
3215 The mother replies "That's a personal question too. I'm not going
3216to tell you."
3217 Chastised, the daughter asks no more questions. The mother parks the
3218car. "I'm going to see Mrs. Tristan for a couple of minutes. You stay here in
3219the car and watch my purse."
3220 After the mother leaves, the daughter removes her mother's driver's
3221license from the purse, studies it for a few minutes and replaces it. When
3222her mother returns they drive off. The little girl comments:
3223 "Mommy, I know how old you are. You're 32."
3224 "That's right! How did you know?"
3225 "And you weigh 119 pounds."
3226 "Did you look in my purse?"
3227 "And I know why you and Daddy divorced."
3228 "You *do*?"
3229 "Yes," said the daughter. "Because you flunked sex!"
3230%
43920920 3231A woman is like a dresser ... some man always goin' through her
3232drawers.
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3233 -- Blind Lemon Pledge
3234%
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3235A woman occasionally is quite a serviceable substitute for masturbation.
3236It takes an abundance of imagination, to be sure.
3237 -- Karl Kraus, "Die Fackel"
3238%
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3239A woman takes off her claim to respect along with her garments.
3240 -- Herodotus
3241%
3242A woman who is guided by the head and not by the heart is a social
3243pestilence: she has all the defects of the passionate and affectionate
3244woman, with none of her compensations; she is without pity, without
3245love, without virtue, without sex.
43920920 3246 -- Honore de Balzac
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3247%
3248A woman who is unfaithful deserves to be shot.
3249 -- Pancho Villa
3250%
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3251A woman's a woman until the day she dies, but a man's only a man as long
3252as he can.
3253 -- Moms Mabley
3254%
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3255A worried young man from Stamboul
3256Founds lots of red spots on his tool.
3257 Said the doctor, a cynic,
3258 "Get out of my clinic;
3259Just wipe off the lipstick, you fool!"
3260%
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3261A young boy is told by his puritanical father than he should never have
3262sex with a woman, because a woman has teeth in her vagina and will bite
3263off his penis.
3264 The years go by, and the boy finally marries. After a rather
3265uninspiring honeymoon his wife finally confronts him and demands that he
3266tell her why he won't make love to her.
3267 "Well, honey," he replies. "You have... teeth... down there."
3268 "What!?" she replies unbelievingly. "No I don't! Honest, darling,
3269come here and look for yourself."
3270 The man rather hesitantly examines her very thoroughly.
3271 "There!" his wife says triumphantly. "Now do you believe me?"
3272 "Yes," replied her husband. "And your gums are in *terrible*
3273condition."
3274%
3275A young lady friend of mine just swallowed a razor blade...
3276She performed a tonsillectomy, an appendectomy, a hysterectomy,
3277three circumcisions, and cut off the finger of a casual friend.
3278%
3279A young man walks into a bus station, and goes into the men's room to relieve
3280himself. When he steps in he sees a leprechaun with the most enormous penis
3281he has ever seen. As he urinates, he cannot avoid spying on the giant member
3282of the tiny man dressed in green. The leprechaun zips up and the man asks him
3283if he is indeed a real leprechaun.
3284 The little man says, "Aye, me laddie, I'm a leprechaun, and I can
3285grant you three wishes."
3286 "Oh, wow!" comes the reply, "What do I need to do?"
3287 "Well, havin' such a large cock makes it a bit awkward with the
3288ladies, the thing not fittin' and all... I'll grant you your three wishes
3289if you wouldn't mind suckin' me dick 'til I come." The man is a bit taken
3290aback, but agrees, realizing that the three wishes will be priceless. After
3291the tiny fellow has come, he starts to walk away.
3292 The man exclaims, "Hey, what about my three wishes?"
3293 Replies the leprechaun, "How old are you, me boy?"
3294 "25."
3295 "Aren't you a wee bit old to be believin' in leprechauns?"
3296%
3297A young New York housewife was shocked by some of the language used by her
3298daughter. When asked about it, the daughter said she had learned it from
3299a small girl she played with in the park. The next day, the mother sought
3300out the little girl as she played in the park. "Are you the little girl
3301who uses bad words?"
3302 "Who told you?"
3303 "A little bird," answered the mother.
3304 "Well, I like that!" exclaimed the small girl. "And I've been
3305feeding the little bastards, too!"
3306%
3307A young woman was afflicted with three brothers who had a friendly competition
3308as to who was the best practical joker. When she announced her marriage,
3309like all good brothers, they immediately found out where the honeymoon would
3310be and repaired there to do their worst, er, best. The brother who was a
3311carpenter went first, and came back out in five minutes. The brother who
3312worked as a plumber went second and was out in about half an hour. Finally,
3313the brother employed as a dentist went inside and came out almost immediately.
3314A few days after the start of their sister's honeymoon the brothers each
3315received a telegram from their sister. It read:
3316
3317 I liked the couch falling apart when we sat on it. I was amused
3318 when the shower went cold five minutes after it started. But I'm
5e79e90c 3319 going to kill whoever put the novocaine into the KY jelly...
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3321Aboard the good ship Venus, The cabin boy, the captain's joy,
3322The mast it was a penis, A cunning little nipper,
3323 Her figurehead They filled his ass,
3324 A whore in bed, With broken glass,
3325Good grief you should have seen us! And circumcised the skipper.
3326
3327The first mate's name was Higgins, The captain's daughter Mabel,
3328And Higgins was a biggins, They screwed when they were able,
3329 Once round the deck, They nailed her tits,
3330 Twice up the mast, Those nasty shits,
3331And the rest was used for riggins'! Right to the captain's table.
3332
3333The engineer's name was Carter, The second mate's name was Andy,
3334And Carter was a farter, By God, he was a dandy,
3335 When the wind wouldn't blow, They broke his cock,
3336 And the ship couldn't go, With chunks of rock,
3337Carter the farter would start her! For conking in the brandy!
3338%
9401d887
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3339Absinthe makes the tart grow fonder.
3340%
43920920 3341Acceptance without proof is the fundamental characteristic of Western
9401d887 3342religion, Rejection without proof is the fundamental characteristic of
43920920 3343Western science.
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3344 -- Gary Zukav, "The Dancing Wu Li Masters"
3345%
984263bc 3346AC/DC is a rock band.
5e79e90c 3347 -- Bisexuality, 101
984263bc 3348%
9401d887
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3349Achilles' Biological Findings:
3350 (1) If a child looks like his father, that's heredity. If he
3351 looks like a neighbor, that's environment.
3352 (2) A lot of time has been wasted arguing over what came first
3353 -- the chicken or the egg. It was undoubtedly the
3354 rooster.
3355%
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3356Adam's Law:
3357 (1) Women don't know what they want;
3358 they don't like what they have got.
3359 (2) Men know very well what they want;
3360 having got it, they begin to lose interest.
3361%
3362Admittedly, there are a lot of things that are better than sex,
3363and a lot more that are worse; but there's nothing quite like it...
3364%
3365Adopting the metric system would have certain psychological advantages --
3366such as being able to claim 18 centimeters instead of seven inches.
3367%
3368ADULTERY:
3369 Putting yourself in someone else's position.
3370%
3371Advertising is the most fun of anything you can do with your clothes on.
3372 -- Mary Wells, advertising executive
3373%
3374After a few steamy dances and a few more drinks, the pickup couple
3375are back at his place tearing their clothes off. Things are really
3376starting to heat up when he leaps out of bed and starts frantically
3377rummaging through a dresser drawer.
3378 "What are you doing?" she asks.
3379 "Just a second, honey, I'm trying to find my lucky rubber."
3380%
3381After an evening at the theatre and several nightcaps at an intimate little
3382bistro, the young man whispered to his date, "How do you feel about making
3383love to men?"
3384 "That's MY business," she snapped.
3385 "Ah," he said. "A professional."
3386%
3387After cocktails in the Oak Room, the graying millionaire took the blond,
3388attractive, wholesome, winning young woman up to his suite. They chatted
3389for a while, and then kissed on the couch. A little fondling, some feeling
3390and petting ... to which the young lady lent herself shyly ... and then they
3391were in the wide, cool bed, naked together. They chatted more, established
3392a communion, a rapport the older man considered remarkably gratifying. The
3393girl seemed sympatico, innocent, good.
3394 "Yes, that was it," he thought, "essentially good. Why, she could
3395be my own daughter." He smiled into the young girl's deep blue eyes.
3396 "Tell me," he asked, his hand on her breast, "What's a nice girl
3397like you doing in a hotel like this?"
3398 "Oh, about $2000 a week, with tips."
3399%
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3400After Joan and Max had been married for 25 years, Max became disinterested
3401in sex, and his libido began to wan dramatically. In desperation, Joan
3402hauled him to a marriage counselor, who listened patiently to Joan's complaints
3403and Max's protestations. Max claimed that he was being nagged unmercifully
3404to fulfill Joan's needs, and that after awhile every marriage tended to
3405become less physical. Joan said that that wasn't true and that she had
3406needs and desires that he, as her husband, was expected to fulfill. Finally,
3407the counselor issued the verdict. "Max," he said, "Everybody has to give a
3408little for a marriage to work. From now on, no matter how you feel at the
3409time, you must give Joan her conjugal rights at least semi-annually. And,
3410remember, do it in a loving, considerate manner; after all, you and your
3411wife are a partnership of love." Joan was delighted, and floated out of the
3412counselor's offices. On the way downstairs, she nudged Max.
3413 "So, honey, tell me... how many times a week is semi-annually?"
3414%
3415After making a daring escape from the penitentiary, the convict eluded
3416bloodhounds and police roadblocks and dodged helicopter searchlights on
3417his way to see his wife. Finally sneaking in the back entrance, he knocked
3418on the door and smiled triumphantly as she opened it. "Where the hell have
3419you been?" she blared. "You busted out more than six hours ago!"
3420%
3421After repeatedly warding off her date's amorous advances during the evening,
3422the pretty young thing decided to put her foot down: "See here," she shouted
3423indignantly. "This is positively the last time I'm going to tell you `no'."
3424 "Splendid!" exclaimed her date. "Now we can start making some
3425progress."
3426%
3427After rushing into a drugstore, the nervous young man was obviously
3428embarrassed when a prim thirty-ish woman asked if she could serve him.
3429 "N-no," he stammered, "I'd like to see the druggist."
3430 "I'm the druggist", she replied cheerfully.
3431 "Oh.. well, uh, it's nothing important," he said, and turned to leave.
3432 "Young man," said the woman, "my sister and I have been running this
3433drugstore for nearly ten years. There is nothing you can tell us that will
3434embarrass us.
3435 "Well, all right," he said. "I have this awful sexual hunger that
3436nothing will appease. No matter how many times I make love, I still want to
3437make love again and again. Is there anything you can give me for it?"
3438 "Just a moment," said the woman, "I'll have to discuss this with my
3439sister."
3440 A few minutes later, she returned. "The best we can do," she said,
3441"is room and board and a half-interest in the business."
3442%
3443After spending a forbidden night on the town, two young nuns were trying
3444to sneak through the fence surrounding their Convent.
3445 "You know," giggled one as she held the wire apart for the other
3446to crawl through, "I feel like a Marine."
3447 "So do I," the other nun sighed, "but where are we going to
3448find one at three in the morning?"
3449%
3450After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that
3451brought tears to my eyes. He said, "No hablo ingles."
3452 -- Ronnie Shakes
3453%
3454After we made love he took a piece of chalk and made an outline of my body.
3455 -- Joan Rivers
3456%
3457Ah spring, when a fancy young man lightly turns his lover over.
3458%
3459AI hackers do it robotically.